SHOEMAKER'S 
 
 EST SELECTIONS 
 
 For Redwdin^s and Recita^tions 
 
 Nos. I to 27 Now Issued 
 
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 This series was formerly called ''The Elocutionist's 
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 Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, ' or mailed 
 ispon receipt of price. 
 
 The Penn Publishing Company 
 
 923 Arch Street^ Philadelphia 
 
THE ICEMAN 
 
 A Farce in One Act 
 
 BY 
 
 LAWRENCE DITTO YOUNG 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 1909 
 
T^ 
 
 o ! 
 
 v^ 
 
 Xfe-I 
 
 Copyright 1909 by The Pbkn Puilishing Company 
 
 ^^if0^5"^ 
 
 The Iceman 
 
 LiBRAHY of CONGRESS 
 Two Copies Received 
 
 APR 17 \m 
 
 — Copyriifnt Lntry 
 (fuss JJ aAc. No, 
 «JOPY 3- 
 
J 
 
 The Iceman 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 George, ) , returning from college with a surprise* 
 
 The Iceman, j played by same person, 
 
 Lucile's Father. ' 
 
 LuciLE, almost engaged to George, 
 
 The Cook. 
 
 Time in Representation : — One hour and a quarter. 
 
 NOTICE TO PROFESSIONALS 
 
 This play is published for amateur production only. Pro- 
 fessionals are forbidden the use of it in any form or under 
 any title without the consent of the author, who may be ad- 
 dressed in care of the publishers. 
 
PROPERTIES 
 
 Drop painted to represent the back of a house, with a 
 back door and a window on each side of the door. A hole 
 big enough to permit the passage of a man is cut in it 
 where refrigerator stands against it. 
 
 A refrigerator at least five feet high, by four wide and 
 three deep. A lid at top, a door in front, and a door with 
 spring hinges at back. A hole in bottom so voice may be 
 heard from inside. A barrel three feet high and four wide 
 with ashes in it. A skillet with a handle. A large spoon 
 in skillet. A clothes-line and pair of trousers. A mop, a 
 broom, a washboard, and a small carpet-sweeper. An en- 
 gagement ring. One other ring. A cream pitcher. An 
 imitation pineapple. A set of red-covered foot forms. A 
 mess of broken crockery. A piece of ice, size of teacup. 
 A rolUng-pin. 
 
 COSTUMES 
 
 George. Black college suit, trousers a little short, 
 small brown felt hat, low shoes, red stockings, a false beard 
 and moustache to look as ridiculous as possible, and a 
 dickey collar with necktie attached. As The Iceman, he 
 wears same trousers and stockings ; huge pair of rubber 
 boots one or two sizes too large, so as to slip easily on and 
 off; large black felt hat, and large blue flannel shirt; car- 
 ries a pair of ice-tongs. 
 
 Cook. Stout, Irish, wears a red wig, green dress, large 
 shoes. 
 
 LuciLE. Natural hair, white dress, small shoes. Lucile 
 and Cook may easily be played by the same person if de- 
 sired, by making a quick change of wig, dress, and shoes, 
 and omitting the cook's lines at the end of the sketch. 
 
 Lucile's Father. Black frock suit, portly figure, gray 
 wig. This character may be omitted, and the sketch played 
 by either two or three persons. 
 
The Iceman 
 
 SCENE. — Af the rear of any hofue, opening from the kitchen 
 to a back yard. The drop shows the back of a house with 
 two kitchen windows and a practicable door ivhich opens 
 on small back porch or platfor?n and a flight of four 
 steps down to yard. Beside steps, at the right, is a large 
 refrigerator with a lid at the top to put in ice, a?id a door 
 in front. At the left of steps there is a low ash barrel. 
 On upper step is a skillet to look as much as possible like 
 a cup, and in it is a large spoon. A clothes-litie holding 
 a pair of trousers extends across stage, one end of it at- 
 tached to a hook over refrigerator a?id dangling down. 
 A mop, a broom, a washboard, and a baby carpet-sweeper 
 stand at the side of steps. 
 
 {From iiiside kitchen door is heard a scream in Cook's 
 voice: '■'•Soak him! Soak him good !^^ Then a shout 
 in masculine tones : ** Confound your impudence ! Get 
 out l^'' George comes sailing through the kitchen door 
 as though he had been kicked, and a man' s foot appears 
 behind him. He lands sitting on the stage, slides, fold- 
 ing his arms as he goes, and co?nes to a standstill. He 
 is dressed in a rakish college suit of black, with a little 
 brown felt hat turned up in front. He has on a false 
 beard and moustache which he now takes off. He is 
 boyishly petulant. ) 
 
 George. Mercy, how blusterous ! (^Turtiing his head 
 back toward the door.) And what a lovely welcome I did get. 
 You little know who you kick, you old ruffian. He kicks 
 me out of the back door. He wouldn't even honor me by 
 kicking me out of the front door. (^Gloomily.') I wrote 
 and told them I'd be home from college to-day, and I dis- 
 guised myself to give them a surprise. I got the surprise. 
 {Meditating, and then with strong emphasis as he shakes 
 
 5 
 
6 THE ICEMAN 
 
 his head,) And worst of all, I dropped the ring in the 
 cream pitcher. I absolutely must get hold of that cream 
 pitcher. {Shaking his finger,) I shall never speak to 
 Lucile again. She's false. 
 
 {Enter Cook at back door. Before she sees him, George 
 claps on his beard and moustache, and as she catches 
 sight of him, he picks up broom on the defensive.') 
 
 Cook {carrying tray containing cream pitcher, etc. 
 Espying George, she starts back in fright, and remains 
 close to the stoop for safety). Oh, you robber ! Oh, you 
 thief ! How dare you hang around here ? Help ! Mas- 
 ter, master ! Come quick. 
 
 {At her call there is a stamping in kitchen of hurrying feet, 
 «//^ Lucile' s father pops out on stoop. His face is red ; 
 he is old and gray, but active. He is angry and puffs 
 irately. ) 
 
 Father. What's the trouble? 
 
 Cook {pointing at G'EO'kg'e). Look there. 
 
 Father {at sight of George gives indications of in- 
 cipient apoplexy. He is so full of rage that he shakes, but 
 cannot speak. He splutters, making a hissing noise). 
 S-s-s-s-s-s. 
 
 George {to Cook). He ought to have a muffler with 
 that exhaust. 
 
 Father {who has brought with hitn from the kitchen a 
 rolling-pin, which he raises over his head, shaking it at 
 George. Still he can make no sound except) S-s-s-s-s-s. 
 
 George. Can't I get you some sarsaparilla? 
 
 Father {finding his voice, and with a howl). Scoun- 
 drel ! 
 
 George. Me ? 
 
 Father {disregarding question). I kicked you, sir. 
 
 George {taith a rejniniscent look skyward). Yes, now 
 you mention it, I seem to remember the incident. 
 
 Father. I shall kick you again, sir, and then hand you 
 over to the police, sir. {Descends fro7n stoop.) 
 
 George {with deprecating raise of his hand). Now let 
 me explain 
 
 Father {in a towering fury as he advances and George 
 retreats). Explain the insults you heaped upon my daugh- 
 
THE ICEMAN 7 
 
 ter? Explain entering rny house, you burglar? You shall 
 explain yourself to a magistrate. 
 
 George. One moment. Only just one moment, and I 
 can make everything plain. 
 
 Father. You deserve hanging, sir. 
 
 George. Paper hanging, or strap hanging? 
 
 Father Qnaking ponderous pass at George wifh the 
 rolling-pin, which he dodges narrowly). It's lucky for you 
 I can control my temper or I would strike you. Get out 
 of here ! 
 
 (^He has been edging George toward exit afid now he makes 
 a rush for him.') 
 
 George (as he runs off ). All right for you, crosspatch ! 
 
 Father (returriing to c. of stage afid speaking to Cook). 
 There, if you see anything more of that burglar, call me and 
 I will have him arrested. I must go to Lucile for she's very 
 frightened. (As he goes i?i through kitchen door, he ?nutters 
 to himself.) The wretch ! The puppy ! 
 
 Cook. That man ought to be behind the bars ; he's 
 bad. (She doesnU see George, who now peeks around the 
 corner, and seeing nothing of Father, covies back onto 
 stage and tiptoes up behind Cook. He is just in the act 
 of reaching for the cream pitcher when she sees him.) 
 Ouch ! (She Jumps.) 
 
 George {following her with mincing steps, and inspect- 
 ing contents of tray curiously). Is that a cream pitcher on 
 your tray ? 
 
 Cook (in terror). Don't come near me ! Don't come 
 near me ! You got the evil eye. I'm afraid of you. 
 
 George. You better be, for I eat little girls like you. 
 If that's the cream pitcher (scowling), give it to me at once 
 or I'll do some work on you. 
 
 (Zr<f commences to make hypnotic passes at her with his 
 hands, and little kicks, watching to see how they affect 
 her. For a moment she looks at him in horror ; then 
 becomes satisfied that she can't be hurt, afid descends 
 from the stoop.) 
 
 Cook. Pooh ! I don't believe you could hurt any one. 
 I ain't afraid of you. 
 
8 THE ICEMAN 
 
 {She picks up the hroonc which he has dropped^ andiwhile 
 he is still passing at her, she taps him over the head 
 with it.') 
 
 George (desists and retreats^. You're a bum subject. 
 
 Cook {accusingly and motioning back at the house). If 
 I had been the master, I wouldn't have kicked you. 
 (George gives a little Jump ; feeling of himself, and look- 
 ing behind him. He does this each time the word ** kick^* 
 is spoken.) I would have shot you. 
 
 George (looking at the tray again). That is a cream 
 pitcher, isn't it? Yes, of course it is. 
 
 Cook. Yes, and you would have stolen it, if you hadn't 
 been caught. I never see a man with eyes the color of 
 yours that wasn't a crook. It's lucky for you that Mr. 
 George, that's coming home to-day, wasn't around to see 
 what you did, or he would have fixed you. You cruel, 
 wicked man ! 
 
 George {not noticing her). It's a silver cream pitcher, 
 isn't it ? 
 
 Cook. Never you mind what it is, and don't look at it 
 like that or I'll call the master again. (Gets strenuous and 
 shakes her fist at him.) You great hulking brute, to 
 frighten that poor innocent girl so ! 
 
 George {unconcerned). I should like to buy that cream 
 pitcher. 
 
 Cook. Buy it ! Yes, but you'd rather steal it. ( Curi- 
 ously.) What do you want with it, anyway? 
 
 George. Well, what do you do with cream when you 
 get tired of it ? 
 
 Cook. Oh, I make pancakes and such. 
 
 George. Then I want to make a few pancakes. (Reach- 
 ing into his pocket.) Here's five dollars 
 
 Cook (coming close to him). If you were to offer me a 
 thousand dollars for it, I wouldn't give it to you. 
 
 George. Oh, I wouldn't offer you that much, you know. 
 It isn't worth it. 
 
 Cook. What isn't ? 
 
 George. The ring. (Confusion.) I mean the pitcher. 
 
 Cook (suspiciously). What ring? 
 
 George (airily). Mere chaff of mine. (She commences 
 to put articles in at top of refrigerator, a?id as she goes to 
 put in cream pitcher, he comes forward and says .•) Let me 
 
THE ICEMAN 9 
 
 put it in for you. {She frightens him away. He picks up 
 skillet, goes through the motions of stirring it and tasting 
 it, upon which he goes back to her afid says, extending the 
 skillet toward her ;) I would like a little more cream in my 
 coffee, please. 
 
 Cook {angrily). You villain ! I'll bet you're a burglar. 
 You tried to choke Miss Lucile. 
 
 George. No, I didn't, but she deserves it. I say, you 
 know I must have that cream pitcher. 
 
 Cook. Well, you're not going to get it, and if you don't 
 get out of this yard at once, I'll call the master, and he 
 won't be so easy with you this time. 
 
 George {giving a little jump and looking apprehensively 
 around). Not so easy this time ! 
 
 Cook. You might as well go, for there won't any one 
 get into this refrigerator to-day, except the iceman, and I'm 
 going to stay right here and watch for him. 
 
 George. Oh, you let the iceman look in your refrigera- 
 tor, do you ? 
 
 Cook. Of course. 
 
 George {brightening). Do you let him walk right up to 
 the refrigerator, and open it, and put in the ice himself? 
 
 Cook. Certainly, and he'll go for you when he hears 
 how you've talked to me. He likes me, does Bill, and 
 {quizzically) he's over six feet tall. (George looks nerv- 
 ous. A click of ice-tongs is heard ifi wings, and the rattle 
 of a wagon, while a strong voice commands, ** Whoa ! Do 
 ye want any ice ? ") That's him, just next door. 
 
 George. The iceman ! [Afi expansive smile spreads 
 over his face, and taking a bill from his pocket, he looks 
 7neani7igly from the direction of the noise to the refrigerator.) 
 I guess I had better go before Bill comes. 
 
 {Exit.) 
 
 Cook {chuckling). I never see such goings-on. Miss 
 Lucile and her father was at breakfast, when through the 
 back door, and into the dining-room walks this tramp with 
 the beard. {Motioning after George.) First thing he 
 reaches across the table and takes Miss Lucile by the hand, 
 and she is too surprised to do anything. Father, he says: 
 {puffing) " How dare you, sir? " The tramp looks at Miss 
 Lucile' s hand and says : '' False woman ! I shall never see 
 
10 THE ICEMAN 
 
 you more." Then something happened I couldn't see, and 
 the tramp made a grab at the cream pitcher. He reached 
 into it and got his hand caught, and he commenced dancing 
 around the table like a wild man, trying to get his hand out. 
 {Laughing.') '*Are you crazy?" says Father. ** Don't 
 speak lo me," says the tramp, and he starts to walk out with 
 the cream pitcher still on his hand. Father roars at him : 
 "Bring back that cream pitcher," but he don't stop, and 
 Father, spry as a cricket, jumps out of his chair, snatches 
 the cream pitcher off the tramp's hand, takes him by the 
 collar, rushes him to the back door, and kicks him out. 
 (^Kicking with glee.) ** Get out, you shrimp ! " 
 
 George (as iceman, in wings atid at the top of his lungs). 
 Ice! 
 
 Cook {jumps and looks around). Goodness! {Then 
 as George backs onto stage with a small piece of ice which 
 he drags in ice-tongs as though it were a great burden, she 
 says :) It's a new iceman. Are you the iceman? 
 
 George {still trailing ice. He wears a huge pair of rub- 
 ber boots, a big black felt hat, a handkerchief knotted around 
 his throat, and a blue flannel shirt. He adopts a hoarse, 
 gruff voice, dropping into his natural tone when excited). 
 No. I'm High Speed Harry, the Motor Maniac. Scatter, 
 Birdie; my clutch is slipping. {He backs into her.) 
 
 Cook {getting out of the way). Where's Bill ? 
 
 George. Bill's sick. 
 
 Cook. What's the matter with him ? 
 
 George {still leaning over ice, and turning his head 
 toward her). He's got appendicitis. He ate a keg of wire 
 nails and he didn't notice they were rusty. 
 
 Cook. You're pretty fresh, ain't you? 
 
 George. So fresh I'm always early. 
 
 Cook {indicating ice). Be them twenty pound ? 
 
 George {nodding emphatically). Twenty pounds, six 
 ounces. Lift the lid before it shrinks. 
 
 Cook. Say, who are you ? 
 
 George. What's it to you ? 
 
 Cqok. Well, you don't look like a real iceman. 
 
 George. Of course not. I'm Jack Frost, the substitute. 
 
 Cook. Oh {holding tip lid), be careful where you put it. 
 
 George {puts in ice and looks warily over the contents 
 of refrigerator. His head inside, he asks in muffled tones). 
 Is that a cream pitcher ? 
 
THE ICEMAN II 
 
 Cook {starting back and releasing lid, which comes down 
 with a slant). Another man after that cream pitcher ! 
 
 George {escapes falling lid by a hair, and then wobbles 
 his head ifi fright. He screams in /lis natural voice). Do 
 you want to mash me ? 
 
 Cook {apologetically). You scared me about that cream 
 pitcher. When the master kicked out the tramp 
 
 George {tvith grim interest). He kicked him out, did 
 he? 
 
 Cook {kicking). Get out, you shrimp ! 
 
 George {Jumps attd catches at his after anatomy. Then 
 in a falsetto scream). Don't say that. I can't stand it. 
 
 Cook. What's the matter? A burglar walked right into 
 the dining-room to-day, and tried to steal that cream pitcher. 
 Is it any wonder I'm excited about it ? {Fearsomely.) He 
 was a big, tall man, with long, yellow teeth, and a beard, 
 and his hands were like claws. He looked like an escaped 
 convict. Did you see anything of him as he was leaving ? 
 It was just before you came. 
 
 George. Yes, I saw him. He had horns and a tail, 
 didn't he? 
 
 Cook {seriously). I didn't see them ; but I guess he 
 did. (George backs into clothes-line with trousers on it.) 
 Look out for those trousers. 
 
 George {he looks at them vengefully a moment, and then 
 asks). Are they Father's? 
 
 Cook. Yes. 
 
 George (^i- he hears this, he makes a spring at them and 
 lets them have a strong kick in the seat). That pays you 
 back, you coward ! 
 
 Cook. What are you trying to do? 
 
 George. I'll show him. {Indicatitig refrigerator i) 
 Open it up. I want a look. 
 
 Cook. What do you want in there? 
 
 George. I want to move the ice. I think I put it on a 
 huckleberry. 
 
 Cook {advancing threateningly ivith mop). Get away 
 from there. 
 
 George. Now, Penelope, don't be cross. I'm only 
 going to look. 
 
 Cook {with an angry shake of her head). Oh, no; 
 you're not. 
 
 George {as a repritnand). You're annoying me. {Hi 
 
12 THE ICEMAN 
 
 contemplates refrigerator in a businesslike manner.^ Don't 
 get overheated. {Lifts lid again.) 
 
 Cook (makes vicious pass at him with mop which he 
 cleverly dodges). No, you don't. 
 
 George {backs away and calls). Help ! Help ! The 
 dog is loose ! {Then pacificatingly .) Be quiet, Queenie, 
 or you'll bend your bangs. There, keep that pose. {In 
 explanation.^ I just love to look at an angry woman. 
 
 Cook {raising mop for another blow). Get out of here ! 
 
 George {walks up to her on tiptoe^ and shaking his 
 finger under her nose, says). Don't you dare frown at me, 
 or I'll cry. 
 
 Cook (^goes for him). Get out. I think you're after 
 that cream pitcher. 
 
 George (raising his hands and falling to his knees, 
 says piteously). Oh, kind sir. 'Tis me child. Me only 
 child in yon burning mansion. {Indicating refrigerator .) 
 Won't you bring her forth in safety ? 
 
 Cook {kicking at him). Get out, you shrimp ! 
 
 George {jumps up a^id grabs washboard which he 
 holds behind him as a protector. Then screams). Don't 
 say that to me. I can't stand it. 
 
 Cook {pursuing). Get out of this yard. 
 
 George {he crouches^ holds ice-tongs in front of his face, 
 and working them like jaws, he growls). Brrr 1 Brrr ! 
 I'm a lion. Brrr ! If you come one step closer I'll chew 
 thee into a lionized potato. {Drops tongs, and falling to 
 his knees, holds washboard in front of him, and hiding be- 
 hind it, says :) Hit me where you will, but don't kick me. 
 
 Cook {swinging mop). Get out 1 
 
 (^She chases him madly around the stage.) 
 
 George {nimble in spite of rubber boots, and pointing). 
 Look out behind you, Buttercup. Look out ! 
 
 {During the instant her back is turned, he jumps into ash 
 barrel, drops out of sight, and when she turns again she 
 can't find him.) 
 
 Cook. Hey, you. Where are you? {Frightened.) 
 Where did that feller go ? (Looking around in amazement, 
 she becomes more bewildered, and filially thoroughly scared, 
 she runs off the stage calling :) Miss Lucile ! Miss Lucile ! 
 
THE ICEMAN I3 
 
 George {bobbifig top of his head out of barrel, and in 
 a still small whisper'). Ice! (Cook's shouts of ^^ Miss 
 Lucile " are still to be heard and he calls after her .•) Say, 
 tell Miss Lucile there's a nail in this barrel and it's full of 
 ashes. i^His clothes have become covered with ashes. He 
 looks around and his whole expression changes. Still stand- 
 ing in the barrel, he begins .•) My ! What a busy day ! 
 {Feeling hitnself tenderly.) Lucile told me she would wait 
 to marry me even if it was twenty years, and when I came 
 home I was going to surprise her with an engagement ring. 
 But {his voice raises) she has married some one else. {Ex- 
 citedly and with a screech.) I tell you I saw the wedding 
 ring on her finger. False, fickle girl ! I'll never trust a 
 woman again. I'm going down to the Panama Canal, and 
 get killed with fever. That'll fix ^ler. {Musing.) I won- 
 der who she married? Perhaps she married the iceman. 
 That's me. Perhaps she married me. {Ruefully.) Oh, 
 it was terrible ! I wrote and told them I'd be home to-day, 
 and just for a joke, just a little fun, you know, I thought 
 I'd disguise myself with a beard and give them a surprise. 
 I'm president of the college dramatic society, and I guess I 
 can act if anybody can. When I got in the dining-room — 
 {shakes his head) then {with a despairing gasp) I saw — I 
 saw — there upon her finger a wedding ring. I was so 
 startled I dropped the engagement ring, and it fell into the 
 cream pitcher. I tried to fish it out, and then the trouble 
 started. I gave the iceman two dollars to let me take his 
 clothes, and now {shaking his fist at the house) I don't 
 want anything more to do with that family; they're too 
 rough. Lucile scorned me and {with a little jump) Father 
 kicked me. I hope he hurt his foot. So there. I'm never 
 going to speak to any of them again. All I want is my 
 ring. I had to save up for three months to buy that ring, 
 and {half sob bi Tig) it cost me sixty-five dollars. It's in that 
 refrigerator. {Getting out of barrel, and approaching re- 
 frigerator.) I saw the cream pitcher when I looked in. 
 {Lifting lid of refrigerator, he reaches down and feels 
 among contents, raising his head to make each declaration.) 
 That's lard. Isn't it slippery ? Those are peaches. That 
 might be clothes-pins, or maybe it's sausage. {Shrieks.) 
 Ouch ! That was a porcupine, or a pincushion. {Reach- 
 ing farther.) There, it bit me again. I'll get it into a 
 corner and take it by the neck. {Gruntifig.) You can't 
 
14 THE ICEMAN 
 
 get away from me. It's a rabbit. No. It's a flat-iron. 
 And he stuck me again. Now I got you. {In great dis- 
 gust he produces a pineapple. He drops it back, and again 
 reaches down. From iiotv on his tones are muffled, while 
 he puts his head farther aiid farther into refrigerator, as 
 he obviously feels about for the cream pitcher,') What has 
 become of that pitcher? There it is. No, that's a jelly 
 roll. I smell fish. What's that? Let go my hand. It's 
 that pineapple again. {All this time he has been crawling 
 farther and farther into refrigerator.) That must be it. 
 Where the deuce is it ? 
 
 {At this he reaches too far and falls in out of sight, ac- 
 companied by a tremendous crash of crockery.) 
 
 {Enter Lucile. She wears white, is young and pretty, and 
 looks her extreme innocence.) 
 
 Lucile {looks around inquiringly for a mo?nent, and then 
 although she does not see any one, says firmly but a little 
 nervously). Get out of this yard ! 
 
 {In the meantime, George, unknown to audience, g^ts out 
 of refrigerator through a concealed door at the back and 
 through a hole in the drop. He removes the rubber boots, 
 puts them on foot forms covered with red socks, and 
 then crawling back into refrigerator, sits doivn and 
 holds the boots so they fust show over the top aiid look as 
 though he was standing on his head. He waves them 
 convulsively as though he were struggling to get out. His 
 voice is heard through hole in bottom of refrigerator.) 
 
 George. I don't think I care to look any more for that 
 old pitcher. I think I shall get out. {He waves and kicks 
 with the boots, and gives all the evidences of a fearful and 
 ineffectual effort to escape.) Help ! 
 
 Lucile. How familiar that sounds. {Seeiftg the waving 
 boots and looking dubiously at them.) Are you the iceman ? 
 
 George {the boots 7iod in the affirmative). Is that you, 
 Cook ? 
 
 Lucile {with a negative shake of her head but in a tone 
 which he cannot be expected to hear). No, this is not the 
 cook. This is Miss Lucile. Please come out. I wish to 
 speak to you. 
 
THE ICEMAN I5 
 
 George. Hello, Bridget. I've scrambled some eggs for 
 you. I'm just dead stuck on this refrigerator. 
 
 LueiLE. Please come out. I wish to speak to you. 
 
 George. What's that ? Did you say pork and beans ? 
 
 LuciLE. Please come out. {Angrily.) 
 
 George. Speak louder. I can't hear you. Say, Cook, 
 do something to get me out of here. Pve been upside down 
 for twenty minutes. 
 
 lu\5C\\JL (timidly and half to herself ). Why! Perhaps 
 he can't get out. 
 
 George. Hurry up ! You handsome gorilla ! Why 
 don't you do something ? 
 
 LuciLE. The poor man is caught. What shall I do ? 
 
 {She looks wildly around for some means of assisting him.) 
 
 George (with a roar). Take me out. 
 
 LuciLE {from now on all her talk to hifn is shouted). 
 I don't see how I can. 
 
 George. Well, then, take out the pineapple. There 
 ain't room for both of us in here. 
 
 LuciLE. I can't. 
 
 George. You red-nosed old mummy ! Do something. 
 I'm getting cold. 
 
 LuciLE {corning close to refrigerator). I should like to 
 help you, sir. 
 
 George. What did you say ? 
 
 LuciLE. I should like to help you. 
 
 George. If you're not going to let me out, Sibyl, you 
 might at least pull the icicles out of my ears. 
 
 LuciLE {wringing her hands in despair). What can 
 I do? 
 
 George. You bunghead ! Are you going to leave me 
 in here all day ? 
 
 LuciLE. What can I do ? 
 
 George. Get hold of my legs and heave. 
 
 LuciLE {looking nervously at the boots). I don't like to. 
 
 George. Well, I don't like standing on my head in this 
 butter crock. Hurry up ! I think I'm dying. 
 
 LuciLE. He says he's dying. I must do something. 
 (^Goes close to boots which continue to wave, so that she can^t 
 catch them.) Please be still a moment. 
 
 George. Hustle up, and when I get out I'll mop up the 
 yard with you. 
 
l6 THE ICEMAN 
 
 LuciLE {she gets hold of one boot and tugs at it with" 
 out success). Oh, dear ! I'm not strong enough. 
 
 George. Of course you are, you old hod-carrier. Put 
 your mind on it. 
 
 LuciLE (she tries again. In despair). I can't do it. 
 I'll call Father. 
 
 George {frantic wavings of boots, and shrieks). No. 
 No! Don't. Don't! 
 
 LuciLE {astonished). I won't, then. 
 
 George. Say, out there. 
 
 LuciLE. Well ? 
 
 George. Isn't there a washboard on the steps ? 
 
 LuciLE. Yes. 
 
 George. Well, get it and pry me out. 
 
 LuciLE {she takes up the washboard, and inserts the end 
 of it between the refrigerator and his boots. She gives a 
 strong pry). Oh ! 
 
 George {with a roar). Stop it I You'll break my leg. 
 
 LuciLE {she desists). I'm so sorry. 
 
 George. Hello, McGinnis I 
 
 LuciLE. Well ? 
 
 George. I'm cold. Look here, Bedelia. Didn't I see 
 a clothes-line out there? 
 
 LuciLE {looking at it). Yes. 
 
 George. Tie the end around my feet and heave me out. 
 
 LuciLE {she does this, using the line as a block and tackle 
 over hook. But she only succeeds in removing boots from 
 the forms afid lifting them to the hook where they hang. 
 She has her back to her work and thinks she is dragging 
 him out). My ! What a small man to come out so easily. 
 {She turns and contemplates the result with horror. The 
 stocking feet are red.) Gracious ! What have I done? 
 
 {She commences to run about the stage in excitement.) 
 
 George {raging). What are you doing ; trying to hang 
 me? Now my feet are getting cold. {Pause.) Well, why 
 don't you do something ? 
 
 LuciLE {dancing up and down). What can I do ? What 
 can I do ? 
 
 George. Is there a door in front ? 
 
 LuciLE. Yes. 
 
 George. Well, open it. Maybe that'll do some good. 
 
 LuciLE {as she opens the door at fronts George rolls out 
 
THE ICEMAN IJ 
 
 onto stage, dragging with him all the contents of refrigerator ^ 
 except cream pitcher; a miscellaneous array of broken 
 dishes, etc. The front door remains opefi, a?id the cream 
 pitcher is plainly to be seen inside. George is in red stock- 
 ings. He is very, very mad). Heavens I 
 
 George {standing tip, blinking, and not seeitig her). 
 You carrot-headed old pickle ! Did you think I could stay 
 in there forever? {Seeing Lucile, he says aside, with a 
 gasp :) Lucile ! {Jlis tone changes, and froi7i now on his 
 talk is part in his owti voice, ajid part ifi iceman' s grow li?ig. 
 He pulls his hat over his eyes, and is still unrecognizable. 
 He roams dizzily around for a tnoment, blows on his hands 
 to get them warm, and then simpers ;) Excuse me. I 
 thought you were the green beetle. Aren't we having a 
 chilly summer ? {She looks at him doubtfully while he re- 
 moves the jnilk which he has accumulated, nervously rufis 
 the carpet-sweeper over his trousers to brush them, and gen- 
 erally tries to straighteft his disorderly apparel.) Very 
 frosty, I assure you. 
 
 {He gets down on all fours and puts his head down to the 
 stage as though he were going to stand on his head.) 
 
 Lucile. What's the matter ? 
 
 George. I've been wrong side up so long that it's not 
 natural for me to stand on my feet. 
 
 Lucile. Are you an iceman? 
 
 George. You bet I'm an ice — man. {Slapping himself 
 for warmth, and then puttifig his hands ofi the various por- 
 tions of his body.) I had no idea a refrigerator could hold 
 so many different things. {Sniffing.) The cheese was the 
 worst, though. 
 
 Lucile. Who are you ? You remind me of some one I 
 used to know, and I can't think who it is. 
 
 George {striking a pose). I'm Chilblain Charley, and 
 I'm full of quicksilver. 
 
 Lucile {solicitously). Are you cold? 
 
 George. Well {with a shudder, while his teeth chatter), 
 I don't feel as though I were likely to burst into flame. 
 {Feels of his nose.) My nose is loose. I tried to cut a 
 slice of jelly roll with it. {He looks at boots, and motioning 
 to clothes-line, says :) Work your aeroplane, and bring 
 back my pumps. 
 
 Lucile {she releases the clothes-line^ and the boots come 
 
l8 THE ICEMAN 
 
 down to stage with one end of the line tied to them). 
 There. 
 
 George {as he puts them on). They fit a little often, 
 don't they ? {He is sitting on stage.) 
 
 LuciLE {very sternly). What were you doing in that re- 
 frigerator ? 
 
 George {he springs up in fright at her ^ forgets about the 
 clothes-line tied to his boots ^ becomes all mixed up with the 
 line and trousers ^ then trips and falls ^ upon which he fights 
 and worries the trousers around the stage like a puppy). 
 Take that, Father's trousers. 
 
 LuciLE {watching and judging him crazy). What were 
 you doing in that refrigerator? 
 
 George {airily). Oh, I thought I was going to spoil, so 
 I tried cold storage. {Feels of his mouth and brings tobasco 
 sauce bottle from his pocket.) Have you got a fire extin- 
 guisher handy ? I ate some of this to keep from freezing, 
 and now my teeth are smoking. 
 
 {He approaches refrigerator and looks in.) 
 
 LuciLE. Did you drop anything? 
 
 George. Yes. My temperature. 
 
 LuciLE. You poor man. You must be very weak. 
 Shall I get you something to warm you ? 
 
 George {drily). Got a gas stove? {He looks at her 
 with a mournful shake of his head.) False, traitorous girl ! 
 
 LuciLE {incredulously). What ? 
 
 George. Am I your husband ? 
 
 LuciLE {in abject and patent surprise). What ! 
 
 George {vehemently). Shame on you ! 
 
 LuciLE. What for ? 
 
 George {sternly). For wrecking a good man's heart. 
 
 LuciLE {in explanation; tapping her forehead). His 
 brain, I guess. 
 
 George {shouting). Perhaps your brain would be numb 
 too, if you had been standing on your head on a cake of ice 
 for half an hour. {Approaching her and shaking his finger 
 at her.) Oh, you bad, wicked woman ! I met him. I 
 heard what he said. 
 
 LuciLE. Met whom ? Heard what who said ? 
 
 George. That grand, fine, handsome young man with 
 the intelligent face that your father kicked {jump) out of 
 the house. You — you — married woman — you. 
 
THE ICEMAN I9 
 
 LuciLE {with decision). The cook said you were. 
 
 George. Were what ? 
 
 LuciLE {painfully'). Drunk and crazy, or crazy drunk, 
 or crazy or drunk. I couldn't understand which. 
 
 George (melodraf?iatically). Young lady, be careful ! 
 Even an iceman has feelings. 
 
 LuciLE {stamps her foot and thefi says angrily). You 
 mustn't tell such lies. 
 
 George. Oh, dear ! 
 
 ( With a sad shake of his head he starts to climb back into 
 
 refrigerator.) 
 
 LuciLE. What are you doing now ? 
 
 George. I'm going to put myself on ice again ; it's too 
 warm for me out here. ( Whimpering.) If you could see 
 my poor hungry wife and children 
 
 LuciLE {relenting). The poor man ! Here, take these. 
 
 {She picks up the provisions which rolled from the refrig- 
 erator, and piles them into his arms.) 
 
 George {peering at front door of refrigerator). The 
 youngest child is just at the age when she likes cream. 
 
 LuciLE. Perhaps there is some in the refrigerator. 
 
 George. Perhaps. 
 
 LuciLE. No, you spilled.it all. 
 
 George {going close and looking in at lower door). The 
 second youngest likes cream pitchers pretty well. 
 
 LuciLE {she takes out the cream pitcher, extends it 
 toward him and he snatches at it with avidity). Here, take 
 this one. {Something in his haste frightefis her for she 
 draws it back suddenly and says .•) No. I can't give you 
 this ; it's solid silver. 
 
 George {with a groan of disappointmerit). Oh, rats ! 
 
 (He half starts to take it away from her, but she puts it 
 back in refrigerator , closes the door and begins :) 
 
 LuciLE. You bold, bad man. You would steal it, 
 wouldn't you? Cook said you were not to be trusted. 
 Get out of this yard or I shall immediately report you to 
 your company. 
 
 George {hoarsely). He said his name was George. 
 
 LuciLE {forgetting everything, runniftg to him, and 
 
20 THE iCEMAN 
 
 shaking him so that all the provisions fall out of his arms'). 
 What ! Who said that ? 
 
 George. The man I met coming out of here. {As she 
 still holds him from sheer surprise, he jerks angrily away, 
 saying :) Let me alone ! 
 
 LuciLE. It couldn't be George. It was an old man 
 with a beard. 
 
 George (approachifig her on tiptoe, and 171 a fearful 
 ivhisper). The beard was false. He learned it at college ! 
 
 LuciLE {excitedly and taki?ig George by the arm'). 
 What did he say ? 
 
 George {motioning her away). Get away from me. 
 He said he had been insulted and kicked. (^Jumps and 
 looks behind him.) And he never wanted to see any of you 
 again. So he was going to commit suicide 
 
 LuciLE. Horrors ! 
 
 George {waxing a^tgry). Yes, and he went clear to the 
 top of an awful high building, and he walked right to the 
 edge of the roof, and he looked over, and 
 
 ( Working his arms furiously as though he were about to 
 
 Jump.) 
 
 LuciLE {horror-stricken). Yes ! 
 
 George. But just as he was going to jump, his foot 
 slipped and he — came down in the elevator. 
 
 Ia^cilk {in great relief ). Oh! {Meditatively.) Could 
 it — could it have been — George ? 
 
 George. Of course it was. {Intensely.) He was dis- 
 guised. He was going to give you a surprise, and {tvhttn- 
 pering) he saw something which broke his heart. 
 
 LuciLE. Poor George {Softly.) Where is he 
 
 now? 
 
 George. He has gone to Panama. 
 
 LuciLE {with a start). Panama ! 
 
 George {glibly). Yes. I saw him get on the train. 
 He's gone there to dig a canal or something. {Digging at 
 the stage with the mop.) And he's going to catch fever 
 and die. {He extends his hand, shakes an imaginary handy 
 and says :) Hello, Fever ! 
 
 {Then he puts o?i a doleful expression and looks around for 
 a convenie?it death-bed.) 
 
THE ICEMAN 21 
 
 LuciLE {^ jumping forivard). Goodness, don't ! It's 
 too terrible. 
 
 George (with an accusing shake of his Jinger). Now 
 see what you've done. 
 
 LuciLE. Poor George. What did he say ? 
 
 George. Like this, (^Marching up and down the stage 
 and with fierce vehefnence.) False, wretched, lying, cheat- 
 ing, disloyal girl ! My heart is broken ! All my life is 
 wrecked. There is nothing left to live for. (^To Lucile.) 
 Now aren't you sorry? {^Kicking pineapple toward her.) 
 Ssss — sick her, Piney ! 
 
 Lucile {in despair). What have I done? (^Weeping 
 afid approaching him.) What have I done? 
 
 George {backing away). Keep away from me. {She 
 drops her handkerchief, and stands with her hands over her 
 face. He mi?ices around her, plainly averse to touching 
 the handkerchief y and finally picking it up with the carpet- 
 sweeper , he extends it to her at arm' s lefigth.) Here's 
 your handkerchief. 
 
 Lucile {fiot noticing. Boohooi?ig). When Father turned 
 him out, I heard him say: "You know not whom you 
 kick." (George jumps and looks behind him.) That 
 sounds like George. {IVith conviction.) 
 
 George. Of course it was George. But he didn't stay 
 on that train that was going to Panama. 
 
 Lucile {brightenifig). No ! 
 
 George. No, he got off, and he says to me : *' What 
 would you do if the only girl you ever cared for married 
 some one else? " {Shouting.) I says to him : ** Catch the 
 false wife and make her confess." {^Approaching Lucile 
 and taking her by the wrist.) '• Make her show you her 
 husband, and then kill him." {This ^' kiir* i?i a screech.) 
 *' I'll do it," says he. ( Watches her narrowly during these 
 disclosures to see what effect they will have on her, but she 
 does not under sta7id.) How would you prefer to have him 
 die? 
 
 Lucile {still iveeping). And George always called me 
 honey. 
 
 George {caustically). Then why didn't you stick ? 
 
 (He holds the skillet under her head for her to weep in.) 
 Lucile. Father was too hasty. 
 
22 THE ICEMAN 
 
 George. Hasty ! He ought to be arrested for exceed- 
 ing the speed limit. (^Jump.) 
 
 LuciLE. Do you know where George is now ? 
 
 George. You bet I do. 
 
 LuciLE. You are very kind, sir, and you seem to have 
 taken a great interest in me. Will you do something for 
 me ? 
 
 George {looking around apprehensively^. To meet your 
 father ? 
 
 LuciLE. I beg your pardon. 
 
 George. I said glad to favor. 
 
 LuciLE. Will you take a message to George? 
 
 George (^gruffly). Yes, and I'll bring the answer, and 
 all I will ask in return is a certain cream pitcher in that re- 
 frigerator. 
 
 LuciLE. You shall have it. Tell George that Father's 
 heart is broken 
 
 George. Are you sure it's his heart? 
 
 LuciLE. Yes, of course. Why? 
 
 George. I thought perhaps it was his foot. 
 
 LuciLE. Oh, no. And tell George to come back and I 
 will explain everything. Ask him if he won't forgive us. 
 
 George {shaking his head emphatically). No, he won't. 
 
 LuciLE. Won't what? 
 
 George. Forgive you. 
 
 LuciLE. How do you know ? 
 
 George {pulling off his hat and speaking in his natural 
 tone). I'm George. 
 
 LuciLE (rushing to him). Oh, George ! 
 
 George {backing away and shouting wrathfully). Keep 
 away from me. {Then dolefully.) Doesn't your husband 
 
 object to your wearing that pin {Pointing.) That 
 
 fraternity pin. {Whimpering.) That I gave you. 
 
 LuciLE. My husband ? 
 
 George. Certainly, your husband. 
 
 LuciLE. But George, dear, I have no husband. 
 
 George. You have so. {Pointing accusingly.) Haven't 
 you got on a wedding ring ? 
 
 LuciLE. That isn't a wedding ring. That's the ring of 
 our girls' club. 
 
 George. Then why is it of plain gold and on your wed- 
 ding ring finger? 
 
 LuciLE {beginning to cry). That's one of the club 
 
THE ICEMAN 23 
 
 secrets. If you don't like it, I'll throw the horrid thing 
 away. (^She takes it off and drops it.') 
 
 George {picks up ring and looks it carefully over). 
 What does this inside mean? {Spelling slowly.) S-t-u-n-g? 
 
 LuciLE. That's another one of the club secrets. 
 
 George {looks at her doubtfully ^ shakes his head, and 
 then brightening, asks). Say, Lucile. Aren't you really 
 married ? 
 
 Lucile. Of course not. 
 
 George. That being the case, I shall continue a cere- 
 mony which your father recently interrupted. 
 
 {He goes to refrigerator, opens lower part, produces cream 
 pitcher, and from it takes engagetnent ring, which he car- 
 ries to Lucile, and removing his hat, he takes her left 
 hand, and places ring upon it,) 
 
 Lucile {lookittg at new ring). Oh, George ! 
 
 George {they fall into each other's arms). Oh, Lucile ! 
 
 Cook {she enters at this point through kitchen door and 
 stands on porch. Catching sight of George atid Lucile 
 embracing, she is paralyzed zvith fear for a moment, and 
 then screams). Master ! The burglar's choking Miss Lucile 
 again ! 
 
 {There is an unintelligible roar from ifi the house, and then 
 enter Father with his rolling-pin, through kitchen 
 door.) 
 
 Father. Where ? Where ? 
 
 Cook. There. Look at him; he's killing her. She 
 can't speak. 
 
 (Lucile is looking at George with an adoring gaze, and 
 they are too engrossed in each other to realize they are 
 being watched.) 
 
 Father. Capture him. Cook. 
 
 {They tiptoe stealthily up behind the pair of lovers, and 
 Cook puts her arms around George's waist, while 
 Father brandishes the rolliiig-pin over his head.) 
 
 George. I surrender. 
 
 Lucile. Father ! 
 
 Father. It's all right, Lucile. We'll save you. Hang 
 
24 THE ICEMAN 
 
 on to him, Cook. {To George.) Move one step, sir, and 
 I will strike you down. 
 
 George. Glad to oblige you, General Cornwallis, but 
 please don't kick me, for I'm very sensitive. 
 
 LuciLE. Father ! 
 
 Father. Take your hands off that girl ! 
 
 (Georg : releases Lucile from his einbracty but she keeps 
 her arms around his neck. Cook moves her hands to get 
 a better grip.^ 
 
 George. Ouch ! She's tickling me ! 
 
 Lucile. Father, can't you see who it is? 
 
 Father {peers into George's face). Certainly, I can. 
 It's the burglar. 
 
 Lucile. No, it's not. It's George. 
 
 Father {looks again). Well, bless my soul! {All his 
 animosity disappears ^ and he slaps his knee.) A thousand 
 pardons, George. Let him go. Cook. (Cook does so, and 
 Father asks rapidly .•) Why ? When ? What ? 
 
 Lucile {archly). And Father, we're engaged. 
 
 Father. God bless you, my children ! {He looks at 
 George with a bewildered air, and wants to know testily .•) 
 But George, my boy, what on earth are you doing in 
 those clothes ? 
 
 George {he looks from them to the club ring, which he 
 still holds, and then, imitating Lucile, he says). Oh ! 
 That's another of the secrets of our girls' club ! 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
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