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The Wit and Wisdom of 
 Safed the Sage 
 
// you Like this Book You Will 
 Be Glad to Read the earlier volume 
 of " The Parables of Safed the 
 Sage" Contains the Same Number 
 of Parables as this Book, 
 
 Price $1.25 
 
 Order from 
 
 THE PILGRIM PRESS 
 
 BOSTON or CHICAGO 
 
The Wit and Wisdom 
 of Safed the Sage 
 
 BY 
 WILLIAM E. BARTON 
 
 THE PILGRIM PRESS 
 
 BOSTON CHICAGO 
 
^b^\%^ 
 
 *$. 
 
 Copyright 1919 
 By ALBERT W. FELL 
 
 NOV 20 i 9 i3 
 
 THE PILGRIM PRESS 
 BOSTON 
 
 ©CI.A5366'<7 
 
FOREWORD 
 
 The constant request of readers who enjoy these 
 little chapters of popular philosophy, good sense 
 and fun as they appear from week to week has led 
 the publishers to issue this book. We are confident 
 that wherever it goes it will not only stimulate the 
 cultivation of Safed's favorite flower, the Holly- 
 hock, and promote the appreciation of good dough- 
 nuts and cherry pie, but will carry the spirit of mirth 
 and wholesome good cheer which have made these 
 parables popular. 
 
 Many readers have inquired the origin of the 
 name Safed. So far as we know, no man except 
 the author of these Parables bears or has borne that 
 name. He did not wish to choose a name either 
 from the Bible or from the Arabian Nights, and so 
 invented one. The name was not, however, invented 
 wholly out of nothing. There is in Northern Galilee 
 a village called Safed or Sefet, lying north and a 
 little west from the Sea of Galilee, and plainly 
 visible from the traditional site of the Sermon on 
 the Mount, and believed to be the "city set on a hill, 
 which cannot be hid." The author visited this site 
 some years ago, and the name came to him some- 
 
FOREWORD 
 
 what spontaneously as a convenient one for the 
 character which he has assumed in these chapters. 
 
 We commend these chapters to all who enjoy- 
 either good fun or good sense or both. 
 
 The Publishers. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 I wish to express my own appreciation, and that 
 of Keturah, for the very gracious words that come 
 to us from readers of these Parables. If they are 
 fitted to add to the enjoyment of life, that in itself 
 is worth while. If they teach some wholesome les- 
 sons, and discover in common things suggestions 
 of things spiritual, the author is doubly glad. 
 Written week by week, and made, like Keturah' s 
 suppers on the day the maid goes out, out of such 
 things as are found in the cupboard, they are in- 
 tended to teach their homely lessons of kindness, 
 faith and courage in terms that are easily intel- 
 ligible. 
 
 If now and then they contain a word too new to 
 be found in the dictionary, and popularly known as 
 slang, it is to be remembered that Safed and 
 Keturah are the parents of children who continue to 
 contribute something to the education of their 
 parents; and there is thought to be a value in re- 
 lieving a style that might easily become monoto- 
 nously solemn with a little element of piquancy. But 
 it will not need to be said that no word is used that 
 is known to have any coarse association. Many now 
 thoroughly reputable words were once slang. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 In these parables the sins and follies of life are 
 intended to be treated with charity, and the simple 
 and sterling qualities that make life worth living 
 are sought to be constantly commended. If now 
 and then these lessons provoke a smile, so much 
 the better. 
 
 We have been needlessly afraid of the word 
 "parable." All true teaching is by means of par- 
 ables. We live in a world that would be totally dark 
 but for five narrow windows of sight, hearing, 
 touch, taste and smell. Our emotions and aspira- 
 tions and spiritual perceptions must all be expressed 
 in words which were originally words of the five 
 senses. We have constant need to be told not what 
 the kingdom of heaven is, but what it is like unto. 
 Any homely little incident that gives us a glimpse of 
 spiritual realities is worth to us all that it can be 
 made to express of truth and beauty. The kingdom 
 of heaven is within. 
 
 The sources of joy in human life lie close about us 
 and inhere in common things. Some of their mean- ' 
 ings lie plainly on the surface and are immediately 
 available. But there are deeper joys and larger 
 lessons in common experiences if we know how to 
 find them. 
 
 Safed. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Dog and the Limited 3 
 
 The Man from Jonesville 5 
 
 The Curves and the Tangents 7 
 
 The High Cost of Living 9 
 
 The Doughnut io 
 
 The Man in the Upper Berth 12 
 
 When Business Was Really Good 15 
 
 The Coffee and the Doughnut 16 
 
 Having Enough 18 
 
 The Women and Their Carfare 20 
 
 The Windmill and the Pump 22 
 
 The New Recipe 24 
 
 The Grindstone That Dulled the Scythe . . 26 
 
 The Bad Boy 28 
 
 The River and the Flood 30 
 
 The Crossing-Tender 32 
 
 The Bay Rum 34 
 
 The Collection of Geniuses 36 
 
 On Being Independent 38 
 
 The Time for Weariness 40 
 
 The Home of the Sparrow 43 
 
 Crumbs and Bubbles 45 
 
 The Barber-Shop . 47 
 
 On Duty Half Done 50 
 
 The Catalogue of Flowers 51 
 
 The Different Kinds of Seed 53 
 
 The Easter Bonnet 55 
 
 Hollyhocks I Did Not Plant 56 
 
 Hollyhocks I Transplanted 59 
 
 Parable of the Shore Dinner 60 
 
 Heaven and the Steamboat 62 
 
 The River Current : 64 
 
 The First Robin 66 
 
x CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Robin and the Cherries 68 
 
 The Height of the Sky 70 
 
 Concerning Rest 72 
 
 The Quick and the Dead 74 
 
 The Scrub Team 76 
 
 The Next Time 79 
 
 The Moving Pictures 81 
 
 Eden and the Serpent 83 
 
 Hollyhocks and the Storm 86 
 
 The Signal Tower 88 
 
 The June Christmas Tree 90 
 
 The Circus Procession 92 
 
 The Bumble Bee 94 
 
 The Potato Bug 95 
 
 The Pulloon 98 
 
 The Button and the Plus 100 
 
 Things One Wants To Know 103 
 
 The End of the War 104 
 
 The Four-Cent Birthday 106 
 
 The New Suit of Clothes 108 
 
 The Panama Hat no 
 
 The Recoil 112 
 
 Concerning Extremes 114 
 
 Out and In 115 
 
 Magnanimity 117 
 
 The Two Inn Keepers 120 
 
 The Inn and the Eating House 121 
 
 Golf Ball and Earthquake 123 
 
 The Lost Affections 125 
 
 Sympathy and Helpfulness 127 
 
 The Piece Cut Out of the Paper 129 
 
 The Needs of Great Men 130 
 
 On Growing Old 132 
 
The Wit and Wisdom of 
 Safed the Sage 
 
The Wit and Wisdom of 
 Safed the Sage 
 
 THE DOG AND THE LIMITED 
 
 NOW I rode on a Fast Express Train called 
 the Limited. And we went through a Coun- 
 try where there were Many Farms. And 
 the Train went like the Driving of Jehu. 
 
 And there was a Farmhouse that stood near unto 
 the track but back, as it were, about the space of a 
 Furlong. And in the Farmhouse dwelt a Farmer. 
 And the Farmer had a Dog. And when the Train 
 drew Nigh, the Dog started from the Farmhouse 
 toward the Train. And he Barked Furiously, and 
 he Ran Swiftly. And I marveled that he could run 
 so Swiftly, and that at the same time he could Bark 
 so Furiously. But with all his barking he could 
 not make so much Noise as the Train, neither with 
 all his Running could he overtake it. 
 
 And the path that he made in his Running was a 
 Great Parabolic Curve. For he started before the 
 Train entered the Farm, running toward the Train, 
 
THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 and going East, for the Train was toward the West. 
 But as the Train ran on and stopped not, the Dog 
 ran South, and when the Train was going By and 
 not even Hesitating, he Curved so that he ran 
 Southwest and then West. And at the west side 
 of the Farm he fell into a Ditch, and rolled over 
 and over and got up, and shook himself, and stood 
 for a moment and cursed the Train, and then Re- 
 turned Home. 
 
 And the Train went on. 
 
 And a month thereafter I rode on the same Train, 
 and behold, the Same Dog did all the Things that 
 he had done before. 
 
 And three months thereafter I rode again on the 
 Same Train, and the Same Fool Dog was still Get- 
 ting Experience in the Same Manner, but Learning 
 Nothing Therefrom. 
 
 And I saw that he was even like unto some Men, 
 who might be Brayed in a Mortar with a ,Pestle, yet 
 would not their Folly depart from them. 
 
 For even as that Dog watcheth daily for that 
 Train, rising every morning and listening for it, 
 and chasing it through the Farm, and Tumbling in 
 the Ditch on the West Line of the Farm, so there 
 are Men who Chase their Follies Continually, and 
 learn Nothing from their Tumbles. 
 
 And what would the Dog have Done with the 
 Train if he had Caught it? 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 
 
 THE MAN FROM JONESVILLE 
 
 Now, there was among my Neighbors a man 
 whose name was Smith, and he was from Jones- 
 ville. And he told me often of Jonesville, what a 
 Lovely Place it was, and how every one who lived 
 there was Happy and Virtuous, and how sorry he 
 was that he ever had left there, and how he wanted 
 to go back to Jonesville. And when the men in the 
 city where I lived failed to clean the Snow off their 
 Sidewalks, or the City Council indulged in Graft, 
 or the children were Rude, or there was an Early 
 Frost, he told me that Such Things did not happen 
 in Jonesville. And this continued for nigh unto 
 Twenty Years ; and the older he grew the more he 
 talked about Jonesville. And I told him I hoped 
 that when he died he would go to Jonesville. 
 
 Now it came to pass that he prospered, so that 
 he retired from Business. And he sold his House 
 and Lot in the City wherein I dwell, and went back 
 to Jonesville that he might Spend his Last Years in 
 Peace, and Die in Jonesville. And we all Bade him 
 Farewell, with something of Sorrow, and Some- 
 thing of Relief. 
 
 And it came to pass that at the end of Six Months, 
 he and his Wife moved back again, and bought back 
 their Old House for a Thousand Dollars more than 
 they sold it for. And they were Tenfold more 
 
THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Happy to get back than they had been to go 
 away. 
 
 And it came to pass on an Evening that Keturah 
 and I called on them, I said, Old Fellow, tell me on 
 the Level, what was the matter with Jonesville? 
 
 And he said to me, Speak not to me of Jonesville, 
 lest I do thee Harm. It is the toughest Joint this 
 side of States Prison. The dear people we knew 
 have all died or moved away, and they who are in 
 their places are Unneighborly and Snobbish. And 
 they Tango and do other Outrageous Stunts, and 
 their Kids are the Limit. We have come back to 
 Dwell in the place where we have spent Twenty 
 Happy Years, and we have but one favor to ask of 
 our old Neighbors, and that is, that they never speak 
 to us of Jonesville. 
 
 And as Keturah and I walked home, I spake to 
 her, and said, Keturah. 
 
 And Keturah answered, I know what thou art 
 about to say; and I suspected all the time that it 
 would be just so. 
 
 And I said, There are many men and women who 
 sigh for some Jonesville or other, who might be 
 Decently Happy where they are if they would make 
 it their business. 
 
 And Keturah said, Our Jonesville is right here. 
 
 And I said, Amen. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 
 
 THE CURVES AND THE TANGENTS 
 
 I rode in the Cab of a Locomotive, and I spake 
 with the man who drave the Engine, and we went 
 at High Speed. And High Speed is one thing from 
 the rear end of the Observation Car, and Quite 
 Another Thing from the Cab of a Locomotive ; and 
 it giveth a man the Impression that he is not run- 
 ning a Sewing Machine. 
 
 And I looked out upon the Track. 
 
 And I spake unto the Engineer, and I said, Be- 
 hold, how many are the Curves; whereas, the Map 
 which this Company doth print with its Time Table 
 doth shew the Road to be a Straight Line Joining 
 every Great City in America to every other Great 
 City. 
 
 And he said, That is how it looketh on the map ; 
 but to the engineer every railroad is a Double Sys- 
 tem of Curves, the Curves on the Surface and the 
 Curves Up and Down. A railroad curves to get a 
 better approach to a bridge, or to enter a town, or 
 to avoid a swamp or an hill, or to go around the 
 land of some Farmer who tried to sell his land at 
 four prices, so there is a Curve to the right and a 
 Tangent, and then a Curve to the left; and some- 
 times there is a Reverse Curve with no Tangent 
 between, in which case the Passenger doth think 
 Unkind Thoughts of the Engineer without knowing 
 
8 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 why he is jerked Galley- West. Believe me, the 
 business of running an air ship like this is something 
 more than opening and shutting the Throttle, for 
 there are always the Curves to pull around and see 
 around, and thou dost never know what doth lie in 
 wait around the rim of the Curve, nor how strongly 
 the Train will be tempted to disregard the Curve 
 and survey a new Tangent of its own. 
 
 And I said, What is the other system of Curves? 
 
 And he said, No roadbed is level. Even in a 
 Prairie Country, the roadbed descendeth to a little 
 stream, and ascendeth to a little hill, and then de- 
 scendeth to a larger stream, and ascendeth to a 
 larger hill; and it must all be considered in terms 
 of Coal Consumption, and Steam Pressure, and the 
 Weight of the Train, and the Condition of the 
 Track whether it be Dry or Wet or Frosty. 
 
 And I said, Thou hast many things to trouble thee 
 that I wot not of. 
 
 And he said, Passengers mostly think that all an 
 Engineer hath to do is to keep the train between the 
 Fences of the Right of Way, and get in on Time. 
 Behold, they consider not the Curves of either class. 
 For a Railway is not all Tangents. 
 
 And I considered and said, Thy business is like 
 unto mine. For there be Railroad men who think 
 that I have only to stand in the Pulpit one day in 
 seven, and open my mouth and the Lord will fill it. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 
 
 Behold, there are Curves as well as Tangents on my 
 Right of Way, yea, Reverse Curves, and some 
 Heavy Grades. 
 
 And he said, I reckon it is so with every man's 
 business. Though to another man it looketh like 
 a Straight Line surveyed across the Map, yet to 
 him that is on the inside, every business hath not 
 only its Tangents but its Curves. 
 
 And we took each other by the Right Hand, and 
 we bowed low and said our Salaams, and I bade him 
 Farewell and Departed. And each of us knew that 
 the other man's job was like unto his own. 
 
 THE HIGH COST OF LIVING 
 
 Now the word of Keturah came unto me saying, 
 Hie thee unto the shop of the Grocer, and buy thou 
 for me a Pound of Butter, and certain Other Things 
 whereof I have written down a List. 
 
 So I went unto the shop of the Grocer. And 
 there entered an Husbandman with Money in his 
 Pocket and more in the Bank. And he spake unto 
 the Grocer, and he boasted, and he said, Behold, I 
 have sold my Wheat at the Government Price, and 
 Believe Me, it was Some Price. Yea, and I got 
 Eighty Three for my Oats, and One Twenty Seven 
 for my Corn. And he was Very Proud of what he 
 supposed he had done. 
 
io THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And he spake to the Grocer, and said, Give unto 
 me a Package of Oatmeal, and behold here is thy 
 Dime. 
 
 And the Grocer said, The Oatmeal which was 
 once a Dime is now Fifteen Cents. 
 
 And the Husbandman said, It is an Outrage; I 
 will not pay it. Give me a Breakfast Food made of 
 Wheat. 
 
 And the Grocer said, That will cost thee more. 
 
 And he said, Let me have Corn Flakes. 
 
 And the Grocer said, That also is Fifteen Cents. 
 
 And the Husbandman said, The Grocers are Rob- 
 bers, and the Millers are Thugs ; and they are in a 
 Conspiracy to Rob the Poor Farmer, whose indus- 
 try feedeth them all. 
 
 And he was wroth, and he departed. 
 
 And he considered not the price at which Ihe had 
 sold his Wheat and his Corn and his Oats. 
 
 THE DOUGHNUT 
 
 Now I entered the Kitchen, and would have 
 passed through. But Keturah was there; so I 
 waited: and she cast Divers Things into a Great 
 Bowl, and did stir them with a Great Spoon. 
 
 And I asked her, saying, What hast thou in the 
 Bowl? 
 
 And she said, Sugar and Spice, and all that's nice. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE n 
 
 And I said, That is what God used when He 
 made thee. 
 
 And she took the Dough out of the Bowl, when 
 she had stirred it, and she rolled it with a Rolling- 
 Pin; and she cut it into round cakes. And in the 
 midst of every several cake was there an Hole. And 
 a great Caldron hung above the Fire, and there was 
 Fat therein and it boiled furiously. 
 
 And Keturah took the round Cakes of Dough, 
 and cast them into the Caldron ; and she poked them 
 with a Fork, and she turned them, and wftien they 
 came forth, behold I knew then what they were. 
 And the smell of them was inviting, and the appear- 
 ance of them was exceeding good. And Keturah 
 gave me one of the Doughnuts, and Believe Me, 
 they were Some Doughnuts. 
 
 And I said, To what purpose is the Hole? If the 
 Doughnut be so good with a part Punched Out, 
 how much better had it been if the Hole also had 
 been Doughnut ! 
 
 And Keturah answered and said, Thou speakest 
 as a Foolish Man, who is never content with the 
 goodness that is, but always complaineth against 
 God for the lack of the Goodness which he thinketh 
 is not. If there were no Hole in the Doughnut, 
 then were it like unto Ephraim, a cake not turned. 
 For, though the Cake were Fried till the Edges 
 thereof were burnt and hard as thy Philosopher's 
 
12 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Stone, yet would there be uncooked Dough in the 
 middle. Yea, thou sihouldest then break thy teeth 
 on the outer rim of every Several Doughnut, and 
 the middle part thereof would be Raw Dough. 
 
 And I meditated much on what Keturah had told 
 me. And I considered the Empty Spaces in Human 
 life; and the Desolation of its Vacancies; and how 
 men's hearts break over its Blank Interstices. Arid 
 I pondered in my soul whether God doth not know 
 that save for these our lives would be like unto 
 Ephraim. 
 
 And I spake of these things to Keturah, and she 
 said, My lord, I know not the secret of these mys- 
 teries. Yea, mine own heart acheth over some of 
 the Empty Places. But say unto the sons of men 
 that he who useth not the good things which he 
 hath but complaineth against his God for those he 
 lacketh, is like unto a man who rejecteth a Dough- 
 nut because he Knoweth not the Mystery of the 
 Hole. 
 
 THE MAN IN THE UPPER BERTH 
 
 There was a day when I took a journey, and I 
 rode in a Car of Juggernaut, even a Sleeping Car. 
 And I had bought my Railway Ticket and my Pull- 
 man Ticket, and paid the War Tax. And I had a 
 Lower Berth, and was content. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 13 
 
 And there came into the Car a Passenger who 
 had a Ticket for an Upper Berth. And he was 
 wroth. And he Spake much concerning it, so that 
 all that were in the Car heard what he said. And 
 he spake saying : 
 
 I'd like to know what kind of a One Horse Road 
 this is that can't put on Cars enough to give its 
 Patrons Decent Service. For I have never slept 
 before in an Upper Berth, and I like it not. 
 
 Now, the man who hath never slept in an Upper 
 Berth hadi not slept many times in a Lower Berth. 
 And I looked at the Passenger, and I suspected that 
 it was from Motives of Economy he had taken the 
 Upper Berth, and that if he had bought a Lower 
 Berth he would have gone Without Breakfast. 
 
 Wherefore I let him talk till he had told all who 
 were in the car how sad he was at having to sleep in 
 an Upper Berth. And I said to him : 
 
 I have a ticket for a Lower Berth, and it cost me 
 One Dollar more than an Upper Berth, and the War 
 Tax is another Dime. I will Exchange Berths with 
 thee, and thou mayest give to me a Dollar and Ten 
 Cents. 
 
 And he began with shame to Side Step mine offer. 
 And he said, — 
 
 I could not think of accepting a Favor at the 
 expense of thy Comfort. 
 
 And I said, I shall be Comfortable in the Upper 
 
14 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Berth, and the more so for the Comfort thou art 
 to have in the Lower One. 
 
 And I called to the Ethiopian who accompanied 
 that Chariot, and I said, Move my things to Upper 
 Seven, and give this man Lower Six ; and come thou 
 with thy Fire Escape, and I will go up. 
 
 But the Passenger began to Sweat, so that Cold 
 Drops stood on his Forehead, and he said, 
 
 I thank thee just as much, but I am Running a 
 Little Short on my Expense Account; and if it is 
 all the same to thee, I will Go Up Stairs and save 
 my Dollar Ten. 
 
 And I said, Peace go with thee. 
 
 And the other Passengers began to Snigger. 
 
 And he Went Up Very Soon, and was glad to go. 
 
 And one of the Other Passengers came nigh unto 
 me, and he Laughed, and said, 
 
 Thou didst Sure Get His Number. 
 
 And I said, The man who hath Little at home is 
 the man who Kicketh when he goeth abroad. And 
 he who Complaineth Loudly at the Small Discom- 
 forts of Travel is he who is Getting all he is paying 
 for, and more than he can afford. 
 
 And he said, I had not thought of it on this wise, 
 but I verily believe thou art right. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 15 
 
 WHEN BUSINESS WAS REALLY GOOD 
 
 I have a friend who is a Manufacturer. And I 
 met him on a Certain Day, and I said, How doth it 
 fare with thee in thy Business ? 
 
 And he answered and said, I have more Business 
 than I can do. Men Stand in Line to give me or- 
 ders, and ask no Questions about Price. 
 
 And I said, Thou oughtest to be an Happy Man, 
 but thou wearest a Look of Care. 
 
 And he said, This thing of getting orders Too 
 Easily is not What it is Cracked Up to be. I De- 
 sire again the Good Old Days when Business was 
 Business. 
 
 And I said, Tell me more about it. 
 
 And he said, There be many things about it that 
 I like not. One thing is this, that it hath Disor- 
 ganized my Selling Force so that not in Ten Years 
 shall I have it back in its old time Efficiency. 
 There was a time when my Traveling men Covered 
 the Land from Dan to Beersheba and from Boston 
 to Denver, and they were known in every Whole- 
 sale House in the Land. They laughed at Fatigue, 
 and at Competition did they Mock. They taught 
 reluctant buyers to Eat out of Our Hand, and they 
 Practiced the Painless Extraction of Orders from 
 Merchants till their Salesmanship became a Fine 
 Art. Now do those same Traveling Men sit in 
 
16 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 mine office with their feet on their desks, and treat 
 Insolently the same Merchants who come in to 
 Plead with them for Goods. It is Not Good for a 
 Salesman nor for a Business that it should be on this 
 wise. Therefore do I desire the good old days when 
 Business was Business, when we knew we had the 
 Goods and Had to Get Rid of them, and our Sales- 
 men had to Get Up and Dust or Get off the Payroll. 
 
 And I meditated much of these things. And I 
 said, 
 
 I am well persuaded that the Good God knew 
 that it was not well for men to Achieve Success Too 
 Easily. Therefore will I the more Patiently Per- 
 form my Part in the Struggle of Life. For God 
 hath put us in a world where he who achieveth 
 Success must Go Out on the Road and Do Business. 
 
 THE COFFEE AND THE DOUGHNUT 
 
 Keturah saved a Little Mess of Fat without pro- 
 faning any of the ordinances of Mr. Hoover, and 
 she made Doughnuts. And she gave them to me at 
 Breakfast, and she said, Make much of them, for 
 I know not when there will be more. 
 
 And I said, Unto him that hath for his Breakfast 
 Coffee and Sinkers, sufficient unto the day is the 
 evil thereof. 
 
 And as I was eating of the Doughnuts, Keturah 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE ly 
 
 said, My lord, all my Married Life have I endeav- 
 ored to teach thee not to dip thy Doughnut in thy 
 Coffee. And thou doest it still, yea, and every one 
 of thy sons doeth it also, as he hath learned it from 
 thee. And the same is not permitted in Polite 
 Society. 
 
 And I said, O thou fairest among women, and at 
 times the most Unreasonable, why wilt thou mar a 
 Sufficiently Satisfactory husband with overmuch 
 of Perfectness? 
 
 I neither Drink nor Swear nor Smoke nor Chew, 
 and Heaven is my home. I covet no other man's 
 wife, though I wish that thou hadst been born 
 Twins that I might marry thee both. Thou well 
 mightest tremble at thy husband's approach to 
 Faultlessness. 
 
 And Keturah answered, I have noticed no ap- 
 proach either to the Faultlessness or to the 
 Trembling. 
 
 And I said, Then pay thou the more strict notice. 
 For it were not well for thee that thy husband 
 should be an overgrown Fauntleroy. I know a 
 Machinist who declareth that the Ideally Perfect 
 Machine would not run, but must have a Saving 
 Element of Ramshackleness ; therefore must the 
 Great Drive Wheels of the Locomotive be geared 
 to an Eccentric. Behold now this Doughnut, that 
 it doth attain to perfection by having in its center 
 
18 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 an Hole. Wherefore, be glad that thy husband 
 hath the saving merit of a few small faults. 
 
 And she said, My lord, I took thee for better and 
 for worse. If then, thou must dip thy Doughnut 
 in thy Coffee, I will make the best of it. 
 
 HAVING ENOUGH 
 
 There spake to me a man who said, My income 
 is not enough. 
 
 And I said, Thou art a Fortunate Man. 
 
 And he said, Why dost thou say so ? 
 
 And I said, Because thou hast the choice either 
 of Earning More or Spending Less ; and when there 
 be two ways of solving a problem, a man is For- 
 tunate. Whereas I know a Poor Man who Owneth 
 a Railroad and Earnestly Coveth Another; he is 
 Poor, for he cannot get it. 
 
 And he said, When I was a lad, I drove my 
 father's cow to an Hired Pasture, for we lived in a ' 
 Little Town. And other men in the same town be- 
 sought me to drive their cows, and they gave me 
 every one of them Ten Cents a Week; and their 
 Cows were Five. And I thought How Happy I 
 should be if there were Ten Cows and I could earn 
 Every Week an Whole Dollar. And when I be- 
 came older, of about the age of Fourteen, then did 
 I hire myself in the springtime to a Farmer to Plant 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 19 
 
 Potatoes ; and we cut the Seed Potatoes so that on 
 Every Piece there were Two Eyes, and we planted 
 Forty Acres of them. And we dropped the potatoes 
 where the Marker had crossed the soft furrow, one 
 potato for every step as we walked, and with the 
 eyes up, and we stepped on each potato as we walked 
 to press it firmly into the soft earth. And I worked 
 for him Eleven Days, and received Five Dollars 
 and the Half of a Dollar; and I reflected that if 
 Potato Planting could last All Summer then might 
 I earn Thirteen Dollars every Month. And the 
 year I was Seventeen, I hired myself to an Hus- 
 bandman from the eighteenth day of the sixth 
 month to the first day of the eleventh month for 
 Eighty Dollars, which was almost Sixteen Dollars 
 a month. And when the eleventh month came, I 
 drew my money, and bought me a New Suit of 
 Clothes with a pair of Gorgeous Suspenders and a 
 Beautiful Necktie, yea and a wondrous Overcoat 
 and a pair of Dogskin Gloves which I called Kid. 
 And I had Forty Seven Dollars left, and it was too 
 much to trust to Any One Bank, lest it Break. 
 
 And I said to him, What is thine Income Now ? 
 
 And he said, The Government of the United 
 States hath lately asked me the Same Question, and 
 when I told them, they struck me for a sum that 
 made mine Hair Stand on End. I knew not till then 
 how Poor is the man who is as Rich as I. 
 
THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And I said, The Holy Scriptures call down a 
 Blessing on the man who Considereth the Poor; I 
 will bless also the man who, however Poor he is, 
 Considereth himself Rich. For thou wast Rich 
 when thou dravest cows to Pasture, and hast been 
 rich ever since if thy Mind hath been at peace with 
 God and man and thou hast had enough to pay thine 
 Honest Debts. 
 
 And I spake to him this proverb of the men of 
 Arabia, Who is richer, he that hath a Million Dol- 
 lars or he that hath Seven Daughters? 
 
 And he said, Tell me the answer. 
 
 And I said, The man who hath Seven Daughters 
 is the Richer ; for he hath enough, and knoweth it. 
 
 THE WOMEN AND THEIR CARFARE 
 
 There runneth through the City wherein I reside, 
 a System of Trolley Cars, and there be those 
 wherein one shall Pay as he Entereth, and some 
 there be of the Other Kind. And I was riding in 
 one of the Other Kind. And over against where I 
 sat were Two Women. 
 
 And as they entered, they began both of them 
 Diving deep, each one of them into her Bag, to find 
 her Purse, or to Appear to be Trying to Find it. 
 And as they Dove, each into her own Bag, thus they 
 spake one to another, saying, Let me pay, I pray 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 
 
 thee; Nay, but thou shalt let me pay; I am sure 
 thou didst pay the last time ; It is my Turn. 
 
 And with many such words spake they one to 
 another. 
 
 But they found neither of them her Purse. 
 
 So they Dove both of them, and talked fast, say- 
 ing, Let me pay. 
 
 And one of them ceased to Dive, but spake unto 
 the other, saying, Oh well, thou mayest pay, and I 
 will pay the next time. 
 
 And the other one was Disappointed, for that was 
 what she had intended to say, but the first one Beat 
 Her To It. 
 
 Then the one who had been permitted to pay 
 quickly found her purse, and it was Very Small and 
 Very Flat. And she opened it, and took out One 
 Lone Nickel. And she began with a Very Red Face 
 to say, 
 
 I have enough for Myself; I have not enough 
 for Both of Us. 
 
 Then the first also grew Red in the Face, and 
 she also found her Purse without any more Deep 
 Diving, and she also produced a Nickel. 
 
 And they paid each of them Her Own Fare. 
 
 And there came a Coldness over the Meeting; 
 neither did they speak much thereafter to each 
 other. 
 
22 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And when I had gone to mine own house, I told 
 this Event unto Keturah. 
 
 And Keturah said, Wherefore shouldest thou de- 
 light in beholding the follies of women ? Have men 
 no follies? 
 
 And I held my peace. 
 
 THE WINDMILL AND THE PUMP 
 
 I have a friend who is an Husbandman, and I 
 visited him upon his Farm, and tarried with him 
 one night. And upon his Farm are Cattle and 
 Swine and Horses. And he watereth them from a 
 Deep Well wherein is a Pump, and the Pump 
 runneth by a Windmill. 
 
 And it came to pass after Supper that he spake 
 unto a Swede that labored upon the farm, and he 
 said, Ole, there is a Good Breeze tonight ; start thou 
 the Windmill. 
 
 And the Swede went forth into the Night, and 
 loosened a Rod that runneth up to the Mill, and that 
 holdeth the Tail against the Wheel so that the Wind 
 driveth it not. But when the Rod is loosened, then 
 the Tail swingeth around, and the Wheel cometh 
 into the Wind, and the Wheel turneth to Beat the 
 Band. And ere the Swede had returned to the 
 house, we heard the Wheel running, and my friend 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 23 
 
 said, On the morrow we shall have a Tank full of 
 Water for the Livestock. 
 
 Now the room where I slept was on the side of 
 the house toward the Windmill, and when I 
 wakened in the night, it was Running like the Wind, 
 and I said, Verily it will pump the well dry at that 
 rate. 
 
 But when we went out in the morning, behold, 
 there was no water. For the Pump had been Dis- 
 connected from the Mill, and the Swede saw not in 
 the Darkness that the Connecting Pin was out; 
 wherefore he connected it not. And the mill had 
 run all night and the Tank was empty. 
 
 Now when I beheld this, I thought of many men 
 whom I know, whose Windmill goeth around con- 
 tinually, and who are always Creaking their Boots 
 to show that they are Among Those Present, and 
 who talk long and earnestly about Earnestness and 
 Efficiency and the Rest, but it Cutteth no Ice, and it 
 Draweth no Water. Now these be good men, whose 
 minds are Responsive to the Winds of God, and 
 their Capacity for doing something is as Excellent 
 as that of the Pump, but between the Wheels that 
 God driveth and the Pump of their own endeavor, 
 there lacketh an adjustment. 
 
 And I have often wondered how it should be that 
 in the mechanism of some good men there would 
 seem to have been evidenced the blunder of some 
 
24 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Sleepy Swede, fumbling in the dark, and putting 
 the Wheel in Gear, but failing to connect the Pump. 
 And this is the word that I spake in the ears of men, 
 Count it not a sure sign of efficiency that the Wheel 
 goeth round and the Pump is in order ; be thou sure 
 the Wheels of thy Head are hitched to the Pump of 
 thy Performance. 
 
 THE NEW RECIPE 
 
 There was a morning when I rose from my bed, 
 and looked at the sunrise, and thanked God that 
 I was alive, even as I do each day. And I descended 
 and came down, and ate my breakfast. And behold 
 upon the table there were Doughnuts. Now if 
 there be Doughnuts, I eat of them, but they minish 
 not in any wise the other things that I eat, for I eat 
 of them last. 
 
 And I said unto Keturah, Hast thou bought 
 Sinkers from the Market? For I had not smelled 
 the cooking of them. 
 
 And she said, I have not; for I value my peace 
 of mind and the good will of my husband. I made 
 these. Yea, and I made them by a New Recipe. 
 
 And I said, Wherefore wilt thou try New Recipes 
 when already thy Doughnuts are perfect? 
 
 And she said, It is not thus that thou dost preach, 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 25 
 
 for thou dost ever exhort men to do better and 
 better. 
 
 And I said, Thine aspiration to have things better 
 and better is thine only fault. Thou dost even try 
 to have it so with thy Husband. 
 
 And she said, Yea, and thus far I have done very 
 well in the matter of his improvement. 
 
 So I ate of the Doughnuts, and I said, Behold, 
 these are just like all of thy Doughnuts. 
 
 And she said, I am glad that thou dost think so. 
 For they are so made that they absorb less Fat; 
 therefore are they the more Wholesome. 
 
 And I said, Go not too far with me in that 
 Wholesome stunt ; I do not want things too Whole- 
 some; I can digest anything save it be Health 
 Foods. 
 
 And she said, My lord, when I try a New Recipe, 
 thus do I try it. I consider all the things that I have 
 been wont to use that I know are good, and if I 
 find in the New Recipe some other good thing, that 
 also do I put in. 
 
 And I said, Keturah, thou hast the finest idea of 
 Progress to be found in any cook on earth. For 
 thou goest ahead, but thou playest not far from thy 
 Base. 
 
 And I said, If all reformers would learn of thee, 
 then would the Millennium come sooner. 
 
26 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And she said, I am glad that thou dost like the 
 new Doughnuts. 
 
 And I verily did like them. For they had one 
 ingredient that change th not, and that is Keturah. 
 
 For, believe me, her Doughnuts are Some 
 Doughnuts. 
 
 GRINDSTONE AND SCYTHE 
 
 There came to me one of the sons of the prophets. 
 And I bade him enter, and he came in and made 
 obeisance and sat down. And he said unto me, I 
 have need of thy wisdom. For I minister to a 
 Little Congregation, and behold they are Stiff- 
 necked and Hard of Heart. And albeit I preach to 
 them Faithfully, yet do they not heed. Yea, and 
 the more earnestly I preach, the fewer of them come 
 to hear me. 
 
 And his heart was hot and sore, and I looked on 
 him and mine heart was sad for him. 
 
 And I asked him what he had been preaching 
 about, and what were the duties that he had been 
 exhorting his people to attain unto. 
 
 And I discovered that he had an Hobby, which 
 he rode incessantly, so that in nearly every Sermon 
 he did mount it and make at least one circle round 
 the ring. And it did not happen to be the Hobby 
 of his people. Nay, it was of such a nature that 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 27 
 
 they Disliked it and Resented it. And the more he 
 preached on that subject the less they cared to do 
 that duty or any other. 
 
 And I said unto him, When I was a lad, I visited 
 my Grandsire, who did live on a farm. And he 
 was an aged man. And he had a Scythe which he 
 desired to sharpen, that he might cut Thistles in 
 the Pasture. And he desired to Grind the Scythe. 
 
 And he commanded me to Turn the Grindstone, 
 which I did, but I liked it not. 
 
 And my Grandsire was aged, and his sight was 
 not good, and he had left his Glasses in the house. 
 
 Now after we had ground the Scythe until it 
 should have been sharp, he took it and looked at 
 the edge thereof, and behold, the edge was like unto 
 that of a Saw. 
 
 And he sent me unto the House that I might 
 bring unto him his Glasses, and he examined the 
 Grindstone, and there was in the surface of it a 
 Small Flinty Stone, as large as the head of a Pin. 
 And every time that stone came around, it made a 
 nick in the thin edge of the Scythe. And he took 
 an Hammer and a Cold Chisel, and Cut Out the 
 Small Flinty Stone. Then did we grind the Scythe 
 again, and the stone ground all parts of the edge 
 evenly so that it was sharp. And it cut the Thistles 
 good and plenty. 
 
 And I said unto the son of the prophets, The 
 
28 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 preacher who hath in his mind any one Notion or 
 Idea or Doctrine or Duty which he feeleth called 
 upon to air in every sermon, behold he is like unto 
 a Grindstone with a Small Flint that maketh a Nick 
 whenever he turneth the Crank. 
 
 And I said unto him, Go thou back, and as for the 
 doctrine and duty which thou hast preached so un- 
 remittingly, take thy Cold Chisel and from thy 
 sermons of the next year, Cut It Out. 
 
 And he had sense enough to follow my Advice; 
 which is not true of all people who come to me that 
 they may obtain it 
 
 And he and his people lived happily ever after. 
 
 THE BAD BOY 
 
 There came to me a Mother, and she said, O 
 Safed, thou great and wise man, have pity on thine 
 handmaiden, for I am in sorrow. Thou knowest 
 my Boy. He is fourteen years old. When he was 
 a Baby, he was the Cutest Little Thing thou didst 
 ever see. 
 
 And I said, I remember. 
 
 And she said, And when he was a Little Boy he 
 was lovely. 
 
 And I said, Thou speakest truly. 
 
 And she said, But now I hardly know him. He 
 is Noisy, and Rude, and Inattentive, and Heedless; 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 29 
 
 and he Learneth not his Lessons, and when I re- 
 prove him he laugheth, and saith, I Should Worry. 
 Tell me, O Safed, what shall I do? 
 
 And I said, Worry not. 
 
 And she said, I cannot help it. Was there ever 
 such a boy? 
 
 And I said, George Washington, when he was 
 fourteen, did not always wash himself behind his 
 ears. And Julius Caesar when he was fourteen was 
 not always reverent in Sunday School. And Wil- 
 liam Shakespeare when he was fourteen got excused 
 from his work to attend the funeral of his grand- 
 mother, and on that day watched a ball-game. And 
 Simon Peter when he was fourteen was one day 
 absent from school on account of Serious Illness, 
 but recovered sufficiently to watch the bobbing of a 
 cork upon the water of a little creek what runneth 
 into the Sea of Galilee hard by Capernaum. 
 
 And she said, Do the books tell of that? 
 
 And I said, Nay, but I know that it is so, for 
 I know boys. 
 
 And she said, O Safed, it doeth me great good to 
 hear thee ; and it restoreth my faith in my boy. 
 
 And she rose to go. But she turned back, and she 
 said, 
 
 O Safed, when thou wast fourteen, what kind 
 of a boy wast thou ? 
 
 And I said, If I tell thee that I was a Model thou 
 
30 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 wilt be sorry to think I was not like other boys; 
 and if I tell thee that I was like other boys thou 
 wilt think I was not a Model. But if I tell thee not, 
 then canst thou have the joy of thinking either of 
 those" things or both. 
 
 So I bade her Salaam, and she went out. 
 
 And it was Lucky for me that she did not ask 
 Keturah. 
 
 THE RIVER AND THE FLOOD 
 
 I have a friend who dwelleth in a City that is 
 builded beside a Great River, even the Ohio. And 
 there are times when the Bottom of that River get- 
 teth upon the Top so that the Boats have Hard 
 Work not to Puncture their Tires. But there are 
 other times when the River Riseth as Jordan over- 
 floweth all his Banks, and then there is Something 
 Doing. 
 
 Now I visited my friend as the Winter drew to an 
 end, and the River began to Rise. And the Ice 
 went out in Great Cakes that swam in the Yellow 
 Water, and the Backwaters were in all the Valleys 
 and over the Lowlands, and the Morning Papers 
 told every day that it was Two Feet higher at Pitts- 
 burgh. And I stood beside the stream, and it flowed 
 in a Wide Yellow Flood that no man could turn 
 aside, and when I went away and came again, be- 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 31 
 
 hold it washed the bank at a Higher Level. And 
 the water came into the Street of the Town where 
 I was, and still it rose. 
 
 And I looked that the men of that city should 
 have showed Fear. But they showed it not. And 
 certain of them whose places of Business were near 
 the Wharfboat spake of the water that was putting 
 out the fires in their Basement, but they Stuck to 
 Business on the Ground Floor, and when the water 
 rose to the Ground Floor, they moved their Papers 
 Upstairs and locked up and Took a Vacation for a 
 few days. 
 
 And day by day the Water Rose, till they did 
 little Business in that town save the moving of 
 property Upstairs and Waiting. 
 
 Now I was Anxious, for it seemed as if the River 
 would never Cease Rising. But there came a Morn- 
 ing when the Paper said that the River had fallen 
 Four Inches at Pittsburgh. Now behold it still was 
 rising where we were, and it grew higher all that 
 day and that night, so that the friend whom I visited 
 moved out of his home and took me to the Hotel 
 where he had reserved Rooms for us, and we lodged 
 there. But all men spake cheerfully for they said, 
 Though it rise another foot tonight, and put out 
 the fires in the Hotel and the Printing Office and the 
 Bank, yet tomorrow will it begin to Go Down. 
 
 And it was even as they said. 
 
32 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 For I stood next day upon the Bank, and the 
 River was miles in Width, but there was a Streak 
 of Mud as it were an handbreadth wide above the 
 water on the Shore. And the people began to 
 Assemble their Mops, and prepare to Clean Up. 
 
 Now it was a New Experience to me, but to them 
 it was Familiar. And they knew the power of the 
 water, and they knew the raging of the flood, and 
 they knew that they could not stop it. But they 
 possessed their souls with patience, for they said, 
 It cannot rise forever, and its pride and fury will 
 soon pass. 
 
 And I prayed to my God that I might accept 
 life's inevitable trials even as the men of that 
 town accepted the flood. 
 
 But if I go to live in that town, I want a Little 
 Rainbow of Mine own. 
 
 THE CROSSING-TENDER 
 
 Now there is a Railway that runneth through the 
 Town where I live, and there are Gates that are 
 pulled down when a Train Goeth by. And one day 
 when I would have crossed the Tracks, the Gates 
 went down, so that I stopped. And I spake unto 
 the man who keepeth the crossing, and I said, Lovest 
 thou thy Job? 
 
 And he said, I count myself lucky to have this 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 33 
 
 Job, for I am neither young nor strong; neverthe- 
 less mine is an Hard Job. 
 
 And I said, Wherefore should thy Job be Hard ? 
 
 And he said, Because I save people's lives, and 
 they turn and curse me. 
 
 And I said, That is strange, for they should love 
 thee. 
 
 And he said, They come down the Street break- 
 ing the Speed Limit, and Honking for me to Lift 
 the gates; or if they be on Foot they Duck Under. 
 And when I warn them not to cross the Tracks lest 
 they die, they act as if I were their Enemy. 
 
 And I took him by the Hand, and I said, Thou 
 art my Brother, and my Job is like unto thine. 
 
 And he said, Not So You Could See It. Art thou 
 not a Minister and a Philosopher ? 
 
 And I answered, I am a Crossing-Tender. 
 Where thou seest Yonder Spire, I tend a Crossing; 
 and I say unto the Wicked, Go not in thine Evil 
 Way, lest thou Die, but they continue to go as they 
 did before. And I say unto the Heedless, Duck not 
 under the Gate, lest evil befall thee ; but they Duck 
 as they were wont to do. 
 
 Now I had on my Best Clothes and the Crossing- 
 Tender had on his Overalls, but we clasped hands, 
 and he knew that we were Brothers. For my lot 
 in life is even as his, and my Job hath the same 
 Trials. 
 
34 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 
 Nevertheless, his is a good Job, and so is Mine. 
 And every now and then we keep people on the 
 Right Side of the Gate. 
 
 So I considered this, and I thanked my God for 
 my Job, and I resolved to do it as well as I could. 
 
 THE BAY RUM 
 
 I sat in the shop of a Barber, and the Barber cut 
 my Hair, and trimmed my Beard. And there came 
 a Seller of Barbers' Supplies and spake unto the 
 Barber while the Barber did things unto me. And 
 the Seller of Barbers' Supplies spake thus : 
 
 Behold, I have brought unto thee a Sample of 
 our New Brand of Bay Rum, which I wish thee to 
 try, and see if it be not More Mild than any Bay 
 Rum thou hast ever used. 
 
 And the Barber spake unto me, saying, Shall I 
 try it on thee ? 
 
 And I said, Go to it. I will Try Anything Once. 
 
 And he put the New Brand of Bay Rum upon my 
 Face and upon my Neck. 
 
 And he said to me, How dost thou find it? Is it 
 indeed Mild? 
 
 And I answered, Thou hast said it. It is so mild 
 that I know not if it be Bay Rum or Rain Water. 
 
 And the Seller of Barbers' Supplies answered 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 35 
 
 and said, If thou must have it Bite, I might have 
 put in Red Pepper. 
 
 And I said, Nay, I care not for the Bite in Itself, 
 but it seemeth to me that the High Cost of Living 
 had Hit the Bay Rum Industry, so that the New 
 Brand hath come from Lake Michigan. 
 
 And I said, Mildness is All Right in Its Place. 
 A little mildness now and then is relished by the 
 Best of Men; but if I pay Real Money unto the 
 Barber, I desire that there be some evidence that 
 he giveth me the Real Stuff, and not something out 
 of the Rain Water Barrel. I would rather be hurt 
 with something that is to do Me Good than be 
 mollified by that which shall Harm me or Profit me 
 Nothing. 
 
 So I left the shop of the Barber, and I went to 
 mine House, and I sat me down to prepare Wise 
 Words to speak to the people on the Sabbath. 
 
 And it was in mine heart to speak unto them in 
 all Gentleness, for I love them, and they are very 
 good to me. But I heard the voice of God saying 
 unto me, Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like 
 a trumpet, and show my people their transgressions, 
 and this congregation their sins. 
 
 And I did as God spake unto me, and I called 
 them to repentance and a new life. 
 
 And they said unto me, Now that was the way to 
 
36 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 preach. We desire sermons that have Some Punch 
 in them. 
 
 And I reflected that they would rather be hurt 
 by that which was to do them good than be pleased 
 with that which would harm them or profit them 
 nothing. 
 
 THE COLLECTION OF GENIUSES 
 
 There came to our city a Woman who called often 
 at the house where we abide, and she counted her- 
 self a friend of Keturah. And I asked of Keturah, 
 saying, Is this Susie person married or single? 
 
 And Keturah answered, Both. 
 
 And I said, It is just about what I should have 
 expected. 
 
 And Keturah said, She hath many of the marks 
 of Genius, and she knoweth many persons who are 
 Geniuses. Yea, and she hath invited us to spend an 
 evening with her and meet a Group of her Friends, 
 all of whom are Geniuses in their way. 
 
 So we went, I and Keturah, and we spent an 
 evening in the Flat of Susie. And she trotted out 
 her Geniuses. 
 
 And there was a Poetess who wrote Vers Libre 
 so wonderful that it could not be told from Prose. 
 And there was a Musician who played his Violin 
 after a new theory which maintained that Music 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 37 
 
 should have neither Melody nor Harmony nor Key 
 nor Time, but reach the Higher Levels of the Soul 
 through Free Interpretation. And there was an 
 Author, who had writ a Great Book, so profound 
 that no Publisher could understand it or see the need 
 of publishing it. And there was a woman who had 
 a New Theory of Thought-Transmission, and an- 
 other who would Revolutionize Education by In- 
 terpreting Morals in terms of Music, and Music in 
 terms of Color. 
 
 And Susie introduced them to us, one by one, and 
 I and Keturah were about the only people there who 
 were not Geniuses. So they began every man and 
 woman of them to tell us their Theories. 
 
 And when we came away, we were that weary, 
 we walked not, but ordered a Taxi. 
 
 And Keturah said, It was a Great Social Triumph 
 for Susie. 
 
 And I answered, Yea. 
 
 And Keturah said, And I was Bored. 
 
 And I said, So was I, unless there be in the Dic- 
 tionary some word which meaneth the same and 
 then some. 
 
 And I said, Keturah, Thou art no Genius, 
 neither am I. But thou art mighty Good and Won- 
 drous Sensible, and I am a Philosopher, which is, 
 being interpreted, a man with Good Ordinary 
 Common Sense. 
 
38 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And Keturah said, An evening with a Choice 
 Assortment of Geniuses is like unto a Feast in a 
 Pickle Factory. 
 
 And I said unto her, God hath need of mighty- 
 few Geniuses; and as for a job lot like that we 
 have met, it is of the Lord's mercies that they are 
 not consumed. Let us be thankful that in this 
 world are so large a number of Commonplace 
 Sensible Folk. 
 
 ON BEING INDEPENDENT 
 
 The Ethiopian maiden who worketh in the 
 Kitchen of Keturah sometimes singeth. And when 
 she singeth not, then we know that something hath 
 Gone Wrong. 
 
 And there came a time when she sang not. And 
 Keturah said, Peradventure she hath had another 
 Hard Luck Letter from her home in the land of 
 the South, and she must send them all her wages 
 again. 
 
 And the maiden came unto Keturah and she wept 
 much, and she said: 
 
 Alas, my Mistress. I must leave thee. For I am 
 to be Married. 
 
 And Keturah asked her, Wherefore dost thou 
 marry? 
 
 And she said, I know not. For thou hast been 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 39 
 
 most kind to me, and I never was so Happy before. 
 Yea, and my lord Safed, I shall miss him for I help 
 him to hoe among the Hollyhocks in the place where 
 we go in the Summer, where the Lake is and the 
 Great Pine Trees. But this man loveth me. Yea, 
 his mother and his sisters have besought him not 
 to marry me, for I am black and comely, but to 
 marry a Yaller Gal instead. And there is no Nigger 
 in these Newnited States worth Seven Dollars a 
 week to me. Yet hath he chosen me in preference 
 to the Yaller Gal, and I have promised to marry 
 him. 
 
 Now when we heard this, I and Keturah, we 
 wished that his mother and his sisters had let him 
 alone, for then peradventure he had married the 
 Yaller Girl. 
 
 So Keturah gave the maiden her blessing, and 
 she departed very sorrowful. 
 
 Then did Keturah go to a place called an In- 
 telligence Office, though I know not why they called 
 it so, and they sent unto her a Long Procession of 
 Maidens. And we suffered many things from many 
 of them and were nothing better but rather worse. 
 
 And Keturah sat down and mourned for the days 
 when we were first married, when she did her Own 
 Cooking, and when I Split the Wood for the 
 Kitchen Stove. 
 
 And I meditated much on how our Prosperity 
 
40 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 had made us Dependent upon Servants and upon 
 the Fragile Comforts of these Less Strenuous 
 Years. 
 
 Now I have traveled in far lands, even in Egypt 
 and in Arabia, and in the lands that border upon 
 the Great Sea. And in Arabia they have a Proverb 
 which saith: 
 
 He that hath a Partner hath a Master. 
 
 So I gave heed and made another proverb like 
 unto it, and I Pasted it Upon the Mirror of Keturah. 
 
 And the Proverb pertaineth not to women only, 
 but to All who seek to be free from the cares of life 
 by the Possession of Greater Abundance. For it 
 worketh not so. 
 
 And this is the proverb that I made in the days 
 when the Ethiopian had left us, and we had many 
 Candidates for her place — 
 
 She that hath a Servant hath a Mistress. 
 
 For no man can ever be Independently Rich ; but 
 a man might perchance be Independently Poor. 
 
 THE TIME FOR WEARINESS 
 
 There came to me the Notable Men of the Con- 
 gregation where I serve, and they said unto me, 
 
 Safed, thou dwellest too far from the Synagogue. 
 Behold, we have prepared for thee an House hard 
 by the Synagogue. Come thou and Keturah and 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 41 
 
 thine Household, and all that thou hast, and dwell 
 in the House that we have prepared for thee. 
 
 Then were our hearts glad. For we had lived 
 for the space of three years in an Hired House; and 
 for all it had been Comfortable, it had not been 
 Home. And we found it a place of Weeds, and we 
 left it with an Hedge of Hollyhocks round about it. 
 
 Now there was an Ethiopian maiden in the 
 kitchen of Keturah, and at that time her Sister-in- 
 law's mother fell Sick. And she left us for a Sea- 
 son. And while she was gone, even during the time 
 of the Moving, Keturah hired another Ethiopian, 
 whose name was Lottie. And she was in her stature 
 a Giantess, and in her disposition a Mule. And 
 Keturah was as a Child beside her. And Lottie was 
 Insolent, and Idle; and the more Idle she was per- 
 mitted to be the more Insolent she became. And 
 Keturah stood in fear of her. 
 
 And the children of Keturah said, 
 
 Fire her; and let her not have dominion over 
 thee ; for she is an Ogress and a Savage. 
 
 But Keturah said, Not till after the Moving, 
 lest a worse thing befall me. 
 
 And the days of the moving came. There came 
 likewise the days of the Packing. There came like- 
 wise the days of the Unpacking. And men came 
 and, did what they could be hired to do; for the Men 
 of my Congregation are generous men, and they 
 
42 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 said, Labor not thou nor Keturah, but Hire it Done, 
 and we will Pay for it. 
 
 And we sought to do even as they said, for they 
 are Generous Men. But there was much hard work 
 to be done. 
 
 And I spake harshly to Lottie, and said, Take 
 thou hold of this box and lift with me. 
 
 And she said, Yassir. 
 
 And she lifted. 
 
 And I said, Go thou to the Basement and bring 
 me hither an Hammer and see that thou hasten. 
 
 And she said, Yassir. 
 
 And she went and came again. 
 
 And the more harshly I spake, the More Meek 
 she became. And I was minded to be harsh with 
 her, for being Insolent to Keturah. And the harder 
 she worked, the more Amiable she got. 
 
 And this continued for the space of Two Weeks, 
 till we were settled in the new home. And Lottie 
 was Gentle, and Obedient, and Mighty Useful. 
 
 And Keturah beheld with great admiration. 
 
 And it came to pass on the Afternoon of the Sec- 
 ond Saturday, that I spake kindly to Lottie, and I 
 said, Lottie, art thou not Tired? 
 
 And she Laughed Loud and Long, and she said, 
 
 I Nebbah Gits Tard Till I Sets Down. 
 
 Now when she thus spake I almost loved Lottie. 
 For I have known so many good people who Start 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 43 
 
 Something, and Get Tired Almost Immediately. 
 And I composed a Blessing for those who are like 
 Lottie in this, that Hard Work appalleth them not, 
 and they are Not Quitters. And this the blessing : 
 Blessed are they who having begun a Good Work 
 Do Not Get Tired till the Work is Done, and They 
 Sit Down. 
 
 THE HOME OF THE SPARROW 
 
 There is a Great City, and there runneth a Street 
 through the midst thereof, and on this side of the 
 Street and on that are High Buildings. And some 
 of them are like unto the Tower of Babel. And 
 one of those buildings is named for the man who 
 Discovered America. And upon the front of the 
 building, even above the Main Entrance, and High 
 above the Sidewalk, is a Graven Image of Chris- 
 topher Columbus. 
 
 And I sat in that Building, beside a Window that 
 looketh out as if Christopher Columbus had stepped 
 through it to where his Image standeth. 
 
 And it was Winter. And the wind was Cold, and 
 the snow Blew down the street. 
 
 And under the garment of Christopher Colum- 
 bus, and hard by one of his legs, was a Sparrow. 
 And he had found for himself a place About as 
 Snug and Comfortable as any bird could find out 
 
44 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 of doors on That Kind of a day. And he was 
 sheltered from the Wind and from the Snow. 
 
 And the Sparrow was nigh unto the Window, so 
 that I might almost have put forth my hand and 
 taken him inside, but he was better off where he 
 was. And the Sparrow saw me, and I saw the 
 Sparrow, and we looked long at each other, and 
 neither of us was afraid of the other. 
 
 And the Sparrow said within his heart, It is for 
 Me that this building hath been erected, and this 
 Statue lifted high, with this cozy place for a Shelter 
 from the Storm. To this end did Christopher 
 Columbus cross the Ocean, that he might have this 
 Building named for him, and that I might have 
 shelter. 
 
 Now when the bird spake thus in his heart, and 
 I saw and understood the intent thereof, I did not 
 chide the Sparrow, for I myself have had Just as 
 Little Thoughts of the Providence of God and the 
 Answer of my Prayers as the Sparrow. And while 
 it was all Very Foolish, I am not so sure that it 
 was as Foolish as it would have been to Stay out in 
 the Storm till the Sparrow had learned For What 
 Other Purpose Christopher Columbus crossed the 
 Ocean, or for me to question too curiously What 
 Larger Meaning there may be in the Providence of 
 God. 
 
 Then said I, Oh, my God, I am of more value 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 45 
 
 than many Sparrows, but I do not know much 
 more than they, and some men know less. The 
 Sparrow hath found her an House, and the Swallow 
 a Nest in the Protecting Shelter of Thine Altars, 
 and they know not that those Altars have any Other 
 use. I do not know much more about thy Provi- 
 dences than that Sparrow knoweth about Chris- 
 topher Columbus, but I know that when the Blast 
 of the Terrible ones is as a Storm Against the Wall, 
 Thou dost keep him in Perfect Peace whose mind 
 is stayed on Thee. 
 
 CRUMBS AND BUBBLES 
 
 Now I was meditating on the things that seem to 
 be Trivial and how when they are many, they be- 
 come an Heap so that they Block the Amenities of 
 Life. 
 
 And I listened and I heard the Patter of Little 
 Feet, and I stopped my work, and the daughter of 
 the daughter of Keturah ran into mine arms, and 
 pulled my Beard, and kissed me upon both of my 
 cheeks and once beside, and she said : 
 
 Grandpa, on this day I am Three Years Old, and 
 behold there hath been given unto me a Doll, and a 
 Cake with Three Candles thereupon. 
 
 And I said unto her, It was a glad day when God 
 sent thy Mother unto us, and another glad day 
 
46 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 three years ago when He did send thee ; and behold 
 the years have gone so fast that when I hold thee in 
 mine arms, I know not if it be thee or thy mother. 
 
 And she said, Grandpa, Behold it Snoweth. Take 
 me out that I may behold the Snow. 
 
 So I took her out, wrapped in her Double Gar- 
 ments, and she rejoiced in the Snow. And she 
 beheld how it came down in her face in what she 
 called Little Bubbles, for they melted straightway, 
 and how it fell upon my coat in what she called 
 Little Crumbs. 
 
 For it is on this manner that she fitteth the words 
 that she knoweth to her New Experiences, and oft 
 do I marvel at the way in which she findeth a word 
 for the thing she hath not known. And I considered 
 her use of the words Bubbles and Crumbs of Snow. 
 And we went within the house, and watched through 
 the window, and we saw the Snow strike the win- 
 dow in Bubbles, and fall outside in Crumbs. And 
 the Crumbs and the Bubbles were both Very Little 
 Things. 
 
 Now when the morning was come, Behold the 
 Snow was piled at my door in a Great Drift. And 
 I listened, and behold there were no Trains, and I 
 waited, and behold there were no Mails. And cer- 
 tain of my neighbors had no Coal and could not 
 get it. 
 
 And I considered, and said, Behold the Crumbs 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 47 
 
 of Snow and the Bubbles of Snow that fell in the 
 face of the Little Maiden, and on the Overcoat of 
 her Grandfather. How small were they one by one, 
 and behold they Stop the Trains. 
 
 And I considered that it is even so with many 
 things in life that are small in themselves, but when 
 multiplied they become Habits that men cannot 
 break, or Grievances that rend Friendships Asunder, 
 even as Great Drifts are made of Bubbles and 
 Crumbs of Snow. 
 
 THE BARBER-SHOP 
 
 I was grieved by the Follies and Sins of men. 
 And it seemed to me that all men were Wicked and 
 all women were Foolish. And there were certain 
 days wherein there came to me men and women 
 whose deeds merited reproof. And I reproved them 
 sharply; yea, I told them every one his Sin. 
 
 And there followed a day which was the Sabbath. 
 And the thing had Got on my Nerve. And I went 
 into the Sanctuary, and I stood up in the sight of 
 the Whole Congregation, and I rebuked the people 
 for their Backslidings and their Transgressions. 
 And I feared not their faces ; neither spared I them 
 in my chastisement. 
 
 And certain of the congregation spake to me, 
 
48 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 saying, Thou didst Rub it In a Little Too Vigor- 
 ously. 
 
 And I said, Nay. I speak as the prophets of God 
 must speak. I will not prophesy smooth things. I 
 will Cry Aloud and Show the people their Trans- 
 gressions. Yea, the Word of God in my mouth 
 shall not be as it were a Mouth of Meal, but as a 
 two-edged Sword, dividing asunder the Joints and 
 Marrow, and Discerning the Thoughts and Intents 
 of the Heart. 
 
 Now on the morrow I said to Keturah, I go to 
 the Barber-Shop. 
 
 And Keturah said, Go, my lord. But another 
 time go thou on the day that precedeth the Sabbath ; 
 for thy hair and thy beard showed yesterday that 
 they needed to be Trimmed. 
 
 So I went to the Barber-Shop. And I sat on a 
 Great Throne, with a Bib about me, while the 
 Barber did his Duty. And I beheld, and there 
 hung before me a Leathern Case wherein were 
 many Razors ; and they were exceeding sharp. And 
 upon the Shelf were many pairs of Shears. And 
 beside these were certain pairs of Clippers. 
 
 And I said to myself, Here also is a man who 
 needeth Sharp Instruments in his Business, even as 
 I do. 
 
 And I Spake to the Barber, and I said, Behold, 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 49 
 
 thou dost use in thy Business only the things that 
 are Sharp. 
 
 And the Barber answered and said, Not on thy 
 Life. Thou hast another Think Coming. The 
 Razor and the Shears and the Clippers represent 
 only a small part of my Equipment. I use Cold 
 Cream that sootheth; and Bay Rum that feeleth 
 Mighty Good after a Shave; and Ointment that 
 healeth wheresoever the Razor goeth over a place 
 where the Skin hath any manner of Hurt. Yea, 
 and I have Lotions and Talcum Powder, and Lots 
 of Stuff to make a Fellow feel Good. Otherwise 
 must I go out of Business. I could never Run this 
 Shop with Sharp Instruments Alone. 
 
 And I meditated much on what the Barber said 
 to me. 
 
 And I said to my soul, If the Barber needeth 
 Healing Lotions and Emollients in his Business, 
 much more do I. I will not attempt hereafter to 
 run my business with Sharp Instruments only. 
 
 And I knew that God had sent me to the Barber- 
 Shop that I might learn this lesson. Yea, and also 
 because I needed an Hair Cut. 
 
 And I told it to Keturah. And Keturah spake to 
 me and said, Tell it to all men who Preach : for 
 among them are Many Men who possess as Little 
 Wisdom as doth my lord. Yea, and there may be a 
 few who know even less. 
 
5Q THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 ON DUTY HALF DONE 
 
 It was winter, and at Time of Snow. And some 
 men Cleaned their Walks, and some did not. 
 
 And the Sun shone out, and some of the Snow 
 Melted, and some did not. And then straightway 
 did it Freeze again. 
 
 Now I have a neighbor who is always first to 
 clean his walk. And I suspect that it is not because 
 he feareth God or doth regard man, but that he 
 may have wherewith to boast, and to vaunt himself 
 against his neighbor. 
 
 And I came to his walk, and behold, the water 
 had melted and run down upon it, and frozen so 
 that it was like Glass. And I did very nearly break 
 my neck in that place. 
 
 And on the next day I did meet him, and he spake 
 ill concerning his neighbors. And he said, They 
 have no Publick Spirit, neither do they clean their 
 walks; but my walk is clean. 
 
 And I said, Yea, it is clean, and it is the most 
 Dangerous Walk in town. For they that left the 
 snow, there may men walk safely; for that men's 
 feet have trodden it roughly, and when it freezeth, 
 then is it indeed a Hobbly Place, but men's feet 
 slide not. But before a man setteth foot on thy 
 walk, then should he buy more Accident Insurance, 
 or a Gun. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 51 
 
 And he said, What, dost thou reprove me for 
 doing my duty, and for cleaning my walk? 
 
 And I said, For a good deed I reprove thee not. 
 But know this, that the reward for the doing of one 
 duty is the privilege of doing another; and he who 
 cleaneth his walk so that it is slippery, should keep 
 a Coal-hod of Sand wherewith to sprinkle the walk. 
 
 And he said, Dost thou make a virtue of the 
 conduct of those who Lie in their Beds while I 
 shovel my walk? 
 
 And I said, I praise them not, neither do I think 
 them virtuous. But there is no Vice like the half 
 of a Virtue, nor any sin like a Duty half done. 
 
 THE CATALOGUE OF FLOWERS 
 
 Now there came to Keturah a Woman's Maga- 
 zine. And it cometh once in Every Month. And 
 the leaves of the Magazine bear Twelve Manner 
 of Advertisements, one for every month. 
 
 And it came to pass that while the snow was deep 
 upon the ground, behold she was reading advertise- 
 ments of Flowers and Seeds. And there was one 
 advertisement which said, 
 
 Send unto us a Dime and we will send to thee Six 
 Packages of Seed, and a Wondrous Catalogue, and 
 a Book that telleth thee All About the Garden. And 
 Keturah sent the dime. 
 
52 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 
 And when the Catalogue came, behold it was 
 covered on the inside and on the outside with 
 Flowers of Wondrous Beauty. And it told of 
 many kinds of Flowers, yea, and of Vegetables that 
 may be grown in the Back Yard and reduce the 
 High Cost of Living. And there was a Coupon 
 that said, Buy from us the value of a Dollar, and 
 this Coupon shall be as it were Twenty Five Cents 
 of the Same. 
 
 And Keturah did that also. 
 
 And I said, Behold the ground is white with 
 Snow, and deeply Frozen underneath it. 
 
 And she said, Yea, I know that the ground is 
 white with Snow, and that there is deep Frost 
 underneath it. But the Seed Catalogue is a Sign of 
 Spring. Yea, and Spring beginneth in mine own 
 heart when I begin to plan for the Garden. 
 
 And I considered the Hollyhocks that I tiad 
 planted, and which lay deep under the snow. And 
 I wondered how it fared with them, and whether 
 there were Any New Kinds. 
 
 And I said, Behold, there be many weary weeks 
 before the Spring shall come, but I will send a 
 Dollar with that of Keturah, and I will plant 
 Hollyhocks in mine heart this day. 
 
 So will I not wait till Spring to possess mine 
 Hollyhocks : for behold they are mine already ; 
 those in the Seed Catalogue, and those that be 
 under the Snow. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 53 
 
 THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEED 
 
 We made a Garden, I and Keturah, for so have 
 our forefathers done, even from the First of them, 
 who was Fired from his Job. And we made a 
 place for Flowers, and a Place for Vegetables. And 
 wherever there was Room, there did I plant an 
 Hollyhock. 
 
 And we made a Bed, with Straight Rows across 
 it, three hand-breadths apart, which is two parts 
 of a Cubit. And in the Rows I planted Seed which 
 I had bought from the Vendor. And when the 
 Envelope wherein the seed came was Empty, then 
 did I drive a Stake at the end of the Row, and 
 thereon I Stuck the Envelope. 
 
 And Keturah asked me, saying, Canst thou not 
 remember that there be Three Rows of Radishes, 
 and Two of Lettuce, and one of Onions, and the 
 Rest? 
 
 And I said, The Seeds are many, and they are 
 very Small. We must expect not Too Much of 
 them. How can each Seed know what it is to be? 
 But now shall it know. For if it cannot Read Eng- 
 lish, then may it look on the Envelope, and say, 
 Behold I am to be like unto that Picture, and my 
 name is Turnip. 
 
 And Keturah said, It is for thyself thou dost place 
 
54 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 the Envelope so, that thou mayest know the plants 
 from the Label and conceal thine own Ignorance. 
 
 And I said, O Keturah, what is all the wisdom 
 in the world save this, that by some tag or label 
 placed here and there at the end of the Row, they 
 that are wise conceal their Ignorance? For that 
 Ignorance is very Vast, and it Shutteth Down about 
 us on every side. There be men who know more 
 about Seed than I do, so that they can tell a Radish 
 Seed from a Lettuce Seed before they plant it. But 
 who of them knoweth on the Law of Chances, that 
 what seed Produced Radish last year shall not of 
 the same kind of Seed produce this year Pumpkin 
 Vines, each bearing in every Blossom a Pumpkin 
 Pie? 
 
 So I entered into mine House, and I sat me down, 
 for I was weary, and I meditated much that God 
 needeth not the Labels to remind Him what each 
 Seed shall produce. And I marveled at the Miracle 
 of Life, that every seed doth bring forth after its 
 kind, so that even the Grain of Mustard Seed hath 
 in it a Great Tree, and every package of Seed doth 
 contain the Memory of God, yea, and every tiniest 
 seed the Veracity of God. 
 
 Now this human life is an Envelope, containing 
 the Seed of a Nature which though it be mine own 
 I understand but little. And I dimly Comprehend 
 the Implications of Mine Own Soul when it seeketh 
 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 55 
 
 to rise a little space above the Ground, and put forth 
 Blossoms and Fruit. But I have felt within me 
 Strong Impulses which Lift me Upward, and 
 fashion Better Hopes in ways Higher than mine 
 own understanding. And it doth not yet appear 
 what I shall be, but some things I know. 
 
 THE EASTER BONNET 
 
 Keturah spake unto me, saying, The Spring hath 
 come. 
 
 And I answered, I have heard the Lark, and seen 
 the Robin, and I have some Hollyhock seed that I 
 intend to plant. 
 
 And Keturah said, It is time for me to select a 
 Spring Hat. 
 
 And I said, Thou hast a Spring Hat. 
 
 And she said, It is All Out of Style. 
 
 And I said, What should that matter, so long as 
 it becometh thee? 
 
 And she said, It becometh me no more; it is not 
 becoming in me to wear an Hat that is no longer 
 in Style. 
 
 And I said, The Styles are Ridiculous. 
 
 And she said, Nay, they are fine ; yet if they were 
 Ridiculous, that were no good reason for not wear- 
 ing them. Wearest thou not Stiff Bosomed Shirts 
 
56 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 and an Hat a Cubit in height, the same being the 
 most ridiculous things that humanity ever wore? 
 
 And I said, Yea; but I wear my shirts until they 
 are worn out; and my Hat requireth but one Iron- 
 ing in a Year, and it lasteth alway. 
 
 And I said unto her, Last season's hats were 
 ridiculous, and the year is well spent in that it 
 showed to women how ridiculous they were. And 
 next year's styles are ridiculous, as every man 
 knoweth who seeth a new fashion plate before he 
 seeth the apparel on the women folk he loveth to 
 see Dolled Out. And the present year's fashions 
 are ridiculous, but thou knowest it not. 
 
 And Keturah said, It is not knowing it that pre- 
 venteth it from being ridiculous. 
 
 And she bought the Hat, and it is Ridiculous; 
 but on her it is Mighty Becoming. 
 
 HOLLYHOCKS I DID NOT PLANT 
 
 We lived three years in an hired house, both I and 
 Keturah, while they builded the synagogue. And 
 it was a new house wherein never man had lived, 
 and the Land about it was Untilled, and grown to 
 Weeds. But we caused the Grass to grow, and 
 Divers Flowers. Yea, and I brought thither Holly- 
 hocks, even the Hollyhocks which the Municipal 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 57 
 
 Mower cut down, and the Three Hollyhocks which 
 it spared, and divers other Hollyhocks. And three 
 sides of the Garden were walled about with 
 them, so that when a Stranger came and asked, 
 Where is the house of Saf ed the Sage ? they would 
 say unto him, Behold he dwelleth in the Place of 
 the Hollyhocks. 
 
 Now the building of the Synagogue was finished, 
 and the men of my congregation purchased an 
 House that joined hard to the Synagogue, and I and 
 Keturah we came there and abode. And it was 
 Winter, so that we knew not what manner of flowers 
 were planted there. 
 
 And when the Spring drew nigh, I spake often to 
 Keturah, and said, The Hollyhocks that we planted 
 where once the weeds were, behold they are ours no 
 more. 
 
 And the warm winds blew from the South, and 
 the rains watered the earth, and there began to grow 
 in the Garden of the house hard by the Synagogue 
 Little Young Things that yet shall be flowers. Yea, 
 and at the outer side of the Garden, lo, there were 
 Hollyhocks growing. And there is a Window that 
 openeth from the Room that is mine own, and be- 
 side it I beheld that Young Hollyhocks were spring- 
 ing. 
 
 And I called unto Keturah, and she came, and I 
 said, Behold the People who lived here before us 
 
58 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 were Good People, who Feared God and loved 
 Beautiful Things. Behold the Hollyhocks whereon 
 we have spent no labor. 
 
 And Keturah answered and said, Verily, this is 
 the reward of right living, that one passeth on to 
 those who follow the fruits of the good which he 
 doeth. For others shall enjoy the Hollyhocks of 
 our planting, and we shall enjoy the Hollyhocks 
 that were planted by those who were here before us. 
 
 And I said, It is even so. And there are certain 
 Good People who have Hollyhock seed, and they 
 will send of it to me. And we will plant that also, 
 and by the time we are through, this place shall 
 have Hollyhocks that grow as Bulrushes grow in 
 the land of Egypt. 
 
 For the Hollyhocks grew in Palestine, even in the 
 land where Jesus lived. And the seed thereof was 
 brought into the lands on the hither side of the 
 Mediterranean by the men who fought in the Cru- 
 sades that they might win back the Sepulchre of 
 Jesus. And they called it the Holy Hock. 
 
 Wherefore after I am dead and gathered to my 
 fathers shall men say when they come where I have 
 lived, Behold these are the Hollyhocks that were 
 planted by Safed, whom some men called the Sage. 
 And others will know nothing of Safed, but the 
 Flowers will be there. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 59 
 
 HOLLYHOCKS I TRANSPLANTED 
 
 The Winter was long and cold, and the Spring 
 came timidly. Divers were sick of the people whom 
 I loved, and some of them died. And we took the 
 Easter Lilies from the House of God and laid them 
 upon the new graves of those who were dear to us. 
 And I went often to the place appointed for the 
 dead, and beside every grave did I speak words of 
 comfort, and in every grave did I bury a part of 
 mine own heart. 
 
 And I was weary and sad. And I said, Where- 
 fore doth God take men away in the midst of their 
 years? Why hath life so many sorrows? 
 
 And it was the first Spring in our new home. And 
 I went to the house where formerly we did live, and 
 I said unto the people that dwell there, Give me, I 
 pray, of the Hollyhocks that I have planted here; 
 for there be enough for me and for you. 
 
 And they said, Take what thou wilt ; are they not 
 thine own? And for what thou dost leave we are 
 grateful. 
 
 So I digged among the Hollyhocks where they 
 were thick, and took up those that were too 
 Crowded. And I carried them carefully, and I 
 brought them to the New Home that is hard by the 
 House of God. 
 
 But the Hollyhocks wot not what I did, and they 
 
60 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 complained. And I listened to them, and they an- 
 swered me, saying : 
 
 Behold thou didst plant us here, and we have 
 grown and done well. Wherefore dost thou remove 
 us? Do we not make this place Beautiful, so that 
 we are instead of Weeds in this spot ? And behold 
 our Roots, how thou dost rend them, and lay them 
 bare, and do them Violence. Why are thy ways un- 
 equal, and wherefore dost thou destroy the Holly- 
 hocks of thine own planting? 
 
 And the Hollyhocks knew not that I had a place 
 prepared for them, neither did they understand that 
 they were to blossom more abundantly in my garden 
 hard by the House of God. 
 
 PARABLE OF THE SHORE DINNER 
 
 The Winter went out like a Lamb, but the Spring 
 came in like a Lion. And there came a day that 
 blustered, and the night was Furious. And we went 
 to a Restaurant for Dinner. For the Ethiopian 
 maiden had married the man who chose her instead 
 of the Yellow Gal. 
 
 And I said, Keturah, let us not flee from the cold, 
 for next summer that is what we shall be seeking; 
 yea, we will then rejoice whenever we shiver. For 
 this is the great folly of mankind that in Winter 
 they are happy when they Swelter and in Summer 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 61 
 
 they are thankful when they Freeze. Now will we 
 reverse the process. It is a fine, large night. Let 
 us go down to the Beach and have a Shore Dinner. 
 Behold, this is Friday. 
 
 Now we came to the Restaurant, and we looked 
 over the Bill of Fare. And I spake to the Waitress, 
 and I said, Bring unto us Clam Chowder. 
 
 And as we ate, we said, This is the Real Thing. 
 Behold how the sunlight doth play across the waters 
 of Narragansett Bay. 
 
 And I said unto the Waitress, Bring unto us 
 Planked Whitefish. 
 
 And she brought in a Whitefish on a Plank, with 
 mashed Potatoes all around it Ringwise. 
 
 And as we ate it, I said, Beautiful is the Island 
 of Mackinac. Here blow the winds from Three 
 Lakes, and tonight I feel no Oppressive Heat. How 
 lovely it is to escape hither and have a Good Cool 
 Time. 
 
 And I said unto the Waitress, Bring unta us now 
 two plates of Ice Cream. 
 
 And I said, How cool it is beside the little lake 
 where we go in summer, and how good is the sound 
 of the maul as our sons pound the Ice ; yea, and how 
 delicious is the Cream when it is frozen. 
 
 And I said unto the waitress, Bring unto us two 
 small cups of Coffee. 
 
 And I said, I will drink it without sugar or cream, 
 
62 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 for these cost extra in Venice. Yea, and here at the 
 Lido, after a dip in the waters of the Adriatic, how 
 lovely it is to sit on the great wide Verandah and 
 drink a Thimbleful of good Black Coffee that 
 picketh one up after a Plunge. 
 
 And as we walked home, I said, That is a great 
 old breeze that is sweeping in from the ocean across 
 these Isles of Shoals where now we are. 
 
 And so we came to our house. And Keturah said, 
 Where do we go from Here? 
 
 And I said, We go to the best place of all. For 
 the night without is black and stormy, and I have 
 no Committee Meeting, and the Telephone wire is 
 Broken. Where is that Interesting Book which 
 thou didst begin to read aloud to me last summer 
 when I lay on the Pine Needles with my head in 
 thy lap ? 
 
 And she read to me. And I said, This has been a 
 fine Summer Evening. And Keturah said so, too. 
 
 HEAVEN AND THE STEAMBOAT 
 
 We sought rest, I and Keturah, and we went 
 South to meet the Spring and bring it back with 
 us. And we eschewed Railroads, but sailed upon a 
 Steamboat. For this is a country of Majestic 
 Rivers, and few there be that know it. And the 
 Purser of the Steamboat spake unto me, saying, 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 63 
 
 Behold, here are threescore and four Staterooms : 
 take thou thy choice, and he gave unto us two State- 
 rooms, in the most Desirable Part of the Ship : and 
 the rooms opened together so that we had each of 
 us a Lower Berth. And I slept at night in the 
 Lower Berth, and by day I lay in the Upper Berth 
 when I desired, and did read, and at other times we 
 sat on deck, I and Keturah, and beheld a wondrous 
 Moving Picture Show. And there were only two 
 other First Class Passengers, and they were Good 
 People. 
 
 And the Steward said, Behold, I have a Rattling 
 Good Cook, yea and a Pastry Cook also, and we 
 must keep them Busy: whatsoever thine heart de- 
 sireth, that will they cook. 
 
 And the Bath Room Man said, When thou de- 
 sir eth to Bathe, behold the Tub shall be Clean, and 
 there will be no lack of Hot Water or of Towels. 
 And the Barber and the Porter and the Bootblack 
 spake in like manner. And Aunt Ellen, who keep- 
 eth the Linen, and who was born a Slave and hath 
 been on the River forty years, she also gave us 
 Everything in sight, and the Captain took me unto 
 his Cabin, and showed me many things about a 
 Steamboat. And I and Keturah, we owned the 
 Boat, and the Shore and the Sky. 
 
 Now at this same time certain of our friends were 
 fleeing from the Cold Winds of early Spring, and 
 
64 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 were paying High Prices in Popular Southern 
 Hotels where the Limit in Prices is the Sky; and 
 they traveled by Rail, where the throng was so great 
 that it was difficult to get a Lower Berth. 
 
 And I spake unto Keturah, and said, This world 
 hath few people as Sensible as thee and me: I am 
 glad that I married so Sensible a woman and thou 
 so wise a man. 
 
 And I said, It is lucky that the way to Heaven is 
 not reserved for the Wise, but that wayfaring men 
 though Fools may not err therein : for there are few 
 others traveling. For the way of the Sinner is 
 Expensive and Disappointing : and I sometimes fear 
 that we shall have more Room than we need in 
 Heaven. 
 
 THE RIVER CURRENT 
 
 We sailed on the River, I and Keturah, yea, upon 
 two Rivers, and even Three. For we entered into a 
 Ship and sailed down the Mississippi, and up the 
 Ohio, and then up the Tennessee. And we sailed 
 for Eight Days, and we sailed for a Thousand 
 Miles. And the waters in all these rivers were high, 
 and the Current was swift. And we ascended the 
 Tennessee slowly by reason of the Current. And 
 I grew anxious, for I must needs return for the 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 65 
 
 next Sabbath, and one Sabbath I had already been 
 away. 
 
 And the Captain spake unto me saying, Fear not. 
 We ascend slowly, but we shall go down the River 
 like a Bat escaping out of Perdition. 
 
 And that was the way we came down. 
 
 And we neared a City the name whereof was 
 Paducah, where three great rivers meet, even the 
 Tennessee and the Cumberland and the Ohio. And 
 I and Keturah we were to leave the boat there. 
 
 And the Captain came unto me, and he said, 
 Behold, I was Mistaken. We shall hardly make thy 
 Train. 
 
 And I said, Behold how fast we go, and Paducah 
 is but Twenty Miles Away. 
 
 And he said, Paducah is indeed but Twenty Miles 
 away, but we are not Going Fast. We are burning 
 Just as Much Coal, and the Wheels are Going 
 around Just as Fast. But we are no longer in the 
 waters of the Tennessee, but in the Backwaters of 
 the Ohio. For the Ohio is rising More Rapidly 
 than the Tennessee, wherefore the Mighty Current 
 that bore us down hath ceased, and a Mightier Cur- 
 rent all unseen doth Hold Us Back. 
 
 And I thought of the men who begin their Re- 
 ligious Life with a Strong Current of Love and 
 Devotion moving with their Will and Mightily 
 sweeping them forward toward their Desired 
 
66 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Haven, but of the Unseen Currents of Worldliness 
 that Imperceptibly retard them, and even cause 
 them to drift the Other Way. 
 
 And on the Sabbath I stood before my congrega- 
 tion, and I said, Oh men and women, think not 
 because the Wheels still Go Around and thou art 
 Puffing and Making Much Smoke that thou shalt 
 surely go to Heaven. Behold there is an Undertow, 
 and a Mighty Inflooding that may Hold thee Back, 
 or even Drift thee whither thou wouldest not go. 
 
 These things I spake on the Sabbath, because in 
 Spite of the Backwater, I and Keturah we Got 
 There. 
 
 THE FIRST ROBIN 
 
 Now the Winter had been Long, and Very Cold, 
 and the Snow had been deep, and Spring was not 
 yet come. And I rose early in the morning, and I 
 looked out of mine Window, and Behold a Robin. 
 
 And I called unto Keturah, and said, Come 
 quickly, and see thou hasten thine arrival at the 
 Window. For here is a Friend of ours that is 
 Come from a Far Country to Visit us. 
 
 And Keturah came to the Window, and she also 
 beheld the Robin. 
 
 Now the Robin looked at us, and hopped about 
 upon the Cold and Bare Ground, and looked for the 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 67 
 
 Early Worm, but the Bird was Earlier than the 
 Worm. And Keturah went to her Kitchen to see 
 what she might find that the Robin would eat. 
 
 And I spake to the Robin, and said : 
 
 Behold thou hast been where it was Warm, and 
 the Sun did Shine. And thou couldest have stayed 
 there. But here thou art. And thou comest while 
 it is yet Winter, for the Prophecy of Spring is in 
 thy Blood. Thy faith is the substance of things 
 hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. 
 Thou hast come many miles, yea hundreds of miles, 
 to a land that lies desolate, because thou hast within 
 thy soul the assurance that Spring is near. Oh, that 
 there were in human life some assurance that would 
 send men forth to their High Destiny with as com- 
 pelling a Conviction! 
 
 And I thought of the Eye, that it is formed in 
 darkness, but formed for the light ; and the Ear that 
 is wondrously shaped in Silence, but made for the 
 hearing of Music; and of the Human Soul that is 
 born into a world where Sin is, yet born with an 
 assurance of Righteousness. 
 
 And I blessed the Little Bird that had caused me 
 to think of these things. 
 
 And I went forth among men that day, and they 
 said, Salaam, Safed. Behold is it not a cold and 
 long Winter? 
 
 And I said, Speak to me no more of Winter. 
 
68 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And they said, Wherefore should we not speak 
 of Winter? Behold the Thermometer and the 
 Empty Coal Bin. 
 
 But I held mine Head Proudly and I said : 
 Speak to me not of Winter. Behold, on this 
 morning I did see the First Robin. For me hence- 
 forth it is Spring. 
 
 THE ROBIN AND THE CHERRIES 
 
 There groweth a Cherry Tree hard by the house 
 where I dwell, and in the Spring it was full of 
 Blossoms, so that I wondered not at the people of 
 Japan who rejoice with great joy in the Cherry 
 Blossom time. And I was glad that George Wash- 
 ington did not pass that way in his boyhood. 
 
 And after the blossoms came the Cherries, and 
 they grew Wondrous Fast. And I said unto 
 Keturah, We shall have no lack of Cherries. 
 
 And she said, Be not too sure. There be things 
 that can happen to Cherries ere thou dost eat them. 
 
 Now ere the Cherries were ripe, I went to the 
 window, and behold a Robin in the Cherry Tree. 
 And he sat so that he was nigh unto me, and he 
 moved not away when I came nigh. 
 
 And I spake, saying, Behold, these Cherries are 
 mine; moreover they are not yet ripe; and the 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 69 
 
 Ground is full of Nice Juicy Worms; go thither 
 and eat, and disturb not my Cherries. 
 
 And the Robin turned his head on one side, and 
 pecked at a Cherry that was beginning to be Red, 
 and then he turned his head the other way, and 
 pecked at another. 
 
 And I said, Hast thou not heard of Mr. Hoover, 
 and how he desireth that we eat all of us Substi- 
 tutes ? Eat thou not of my Cherries, but eat Bugs ; 
 they are Excellent Substitutes ; so shalt thou please 
 Mr. Hoover, yea, and me also. 
 
 And the Robin spake unto me saying, Dost thou 
 not remember the morning in Early Spring when 
 first I came, and how thy heart did rejoice in me? 
 And behold, I have builded my nest, and reared my 
 young and fed them with worms which I took from 
 thy Garden; and Now I am ready for Cherries. 
 
 And Keturah she came, and we stood there and 
 talked unto the Bird, both of us, and the Robin was 
 not affrighted, but listened to all we had to say, and 
 still continually did he peck at the unripe Cherries. 
 
 And Keturah answered and said, There will be 
 Cherries left for us, if we get out and pick them 
 when they be first ripe; some of them will I can. 
 Yea, and I will make for thee a Wondrous Cherry 
 Pie, with all the Stones taken out. And as for the 
 Robins, let them have their share. If I had to live 
 
70 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 on Worms for the Most Part of the Year, I should 
 welcome the ripening of the Cherries. 
 
 And I looked at the red that was coming on the 
 cheek of the Cherries and then at that on the breast 
 of the Robin, and I said, Old fellow, Go To It. We 
 will go Fifty-Fifty on those Cherries. There is no 
 joy in life but doth cost something, and the Robin 
 is worth the Cherries he doth eat. 
 
 THE HEIGHT OF THE SKY 
 
 I have a little Granddaughter, and she is the 
 daughter of the daughter of Keturah. And on 
 many days last summer she spake to me, saying, 
 Grandpa, I want to Swing. And whatsoever I was 
 doing I did it no more, but I went and Swung her. 
 
 Now on one of those days she looked up into the 
 great Pine Trees where the Swing was hung, and 
 she asked me Questions. And I showed her how the 
 Trees divided into Limbs, and the Limbs separated 
 into smaller Branches, and the Branches into Twigs, 
 and the Twigs feathered out into Delicate Pine 
 Needles. 
 
 And all this she saw. And she saw that there was 
 Blue Beyond the Tops of the Trees, which showeth 
 in Marvellous Beauty through the Tracery of the 
 Pine Needles. And she asked, Grandpa, what is 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 71 
 
 that? And I told her that the Blue above the tops 
 of the Trees was the Sky. 
 
 And she looked long at the Sky, and it appeared 
 Very High as she saw it through the Treetops. And 
 when she saw How High it was, she considered, and 
 she said : 
 
 But I can hardly reach it. 
 
 That was all she said of it, and she is not yet 
 three years old. 
 
 She could hardly reach it ; even as the man of God 
 in olden time thought the Heaven and the knowl- 
 edge of God too wonderful for him and said, It is 
 high ; I cannot attain unto it. 
 
 And yet she did not say she could not entirely 
 reach it. For the Sky beginneth not far above the 
 tree tops, but at the very ground; and the little 
 damsel toucheth it with her finger tips all the day 
 long. And they are such delicate little finger tips. 
 
 O my God, as the heaven is high above the earth, 
 so are Thy ways above our ways, and we can hardly 
 reach Thee ; yet do I thank Thee that Thou art not 
 wholly out of reach. Thou art as near unto me as 
 the Sky is nigh unto the little Maiden, and that is 
 not quite out of reach. 
 
72 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 CONCERNING REST 
 
 There was a day when I was weary. For my 
 days had been full of cares, and my nights had been 
 broken. And I spake unto Keturah, saying, 
 
 I would fain Lay me down upon my Couch and 
 rest. Trouble me not for the Space of One Hour. 
 
 So I laid me down. 
 
 And I heard the Patter of Little Feet, and there 
 were Little Hands pushing at my door. And there 
 came unto me the daughter of the daughter of 
 Keturah. And the little maiden is not yet three 
 years old. 
 
 And she said, Grandpa, I want to lie down with 
 you. 
 
 And I said, Come, and we will rest together. 
 Close thine eyes Tightly and be Very Still. So shall 
 we rest both of us. 
 
 And the way she rested was this. She crept 
 under the Blanket that covered me, so that her 
 head and all the rest of her were Covered, and she 
 said, Grandpa, you have losed your little girl. 
 
 Then did I seek my little girl whom I had losed, 
 and I said, Where is my little girl? Where is my 
 little girl? And I felt all over the Blanket, and I 
 found her not. 
 
 Then did she cry, Here I am. 
 
 And she threw off the Blanket, and laughed. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 73 
 
 And she hid from me the Second Time, and the 
 Third Time, and Many Times beside. And every 
 time I found her again, hiding under the Blanket. 
 
 And when this had wearied her, she Sat Astride 
 me, so that One Foot was on the Right Side and one 
 was on the Left, and she held me by the thumbs, and 
 her little hands could not quite reach around my 
 two thumbs. And she rocked back so that her head 
 touched the couch between my knees, and she sat 
 up with a Bump upon my Stomach. And she rode 
 me to Banbury Cross and to many other places. 
 
 And she said, You are having a good time with 
 me, aren't you, Grandpa? 
 
 And I told her that it was true. 
 
 Now at the end of One Hour, I came forth lead- 
 ing the little damsel by the hand, and Keturah said, 
 Thou art rested. I behold that thy weariness is 
 gone. 
 
 And it was even so. For the joy of playing with 
 the little damsel had driven away my care, and I 
 was rested. 
 
 Now I thought of this, and I remembered that 
 my Lord had said unto me and not to me only but 
 to all mankind, Come unto me, ye weary and heavy- 
 laden, and I will give you rest. And I remembered 
 that He said that in resting I should bear a yoke and 
 find it easy, and carry a burden and find it light. 
 And, behold, I knew what He meant. 
 
74 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 
 
 We went, I and Keturah, unto the Great Hall 
 where the Symphony Orchestra of an hundred men 
 who have skill play on Instruments of Musick. 
 
 And one said, This day there is to be a First Per- 
 formance of a New Overture, and the Composer 
 is a man of this City. Come and meet him. 
 
 So I went and had speech with him. 
 
 And he was Nervously Awaiting his own number, 
 which was the Third, and the first two were long 
 and seemed to him longer. 
 
 And he opened his heart and told me many things. 
 
 And he said, I have lived all my life in hope of 
 this day. In my boyhood I loved Musick, and I 
 worked hard to earn money that I might study it. 
 Then did I begin to teach Piano and Violin and 
 Voice. But now I teach only Harmony. And all 
 the years I have waited for the time when a piece 
 of mine own composing should be played by the 
 Symphony Orchestra, and I would lead it. 
 
 And he told me how long it took him to compose 
 the Overture, and how many times he wrote it ; and 
 how he labored nights for Four Months to copy the 
 scores for the Orchestra Parts. 
 
 And it came to pass that his piece was rendered, 
 and he conducted it. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 75 
 
 And it required Twelve Minutes. And for that 
 he had worked Forty Years ! 
 
 And at the end he was applauded. And they 
 called him back thrice. And after all other men and 
 women had ceased still did I applaud him, and 
 Keturah she also applauded, so that those about us 
 joined in, and so we gave him one more come-back 
 than the law required. 
 
 And Keturah said, I have never known thee to 
 applaud so much. 
 
 And I said, This man is of mine own city and 
 treadeth the same hard pavements that jar me. And 
 he hath long taught reluctant pupils to play on the 
 Psaltery and the Sackbut and the Dulcimer and the 
 Jewsharp, all the while dreaming of this day. And 
 his triumph lasteth just Twelve Minutes. Now the 
 Lord do so to me and more also if I give him not all 
 that is coming to him. 
 
 And Keturah said, But the rest of the program 
 is of the Great Composers, even Liszt and Mozart 
 and Mendelssohn. And thou didst applaud them 
 but little. 
 
 And I said, If the Great Composers were living 
 in this town and walked the floor nights with the 
 baby, then would I applaud them more. 
 
 And I said, I also am in daily competition with 
 the Mighty Dead. For men say, Why should we 
 pay a Dollar and the Fourth Part of a Dollar for 
 
76 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 the Parables of Safed the Sage when we can buy- 
 Shakespeare and Bacon for an half dollar each? 
 And Shakespeare and Bacon can now live on smaller 
 royalties than I, and their wives need not new Easter 
 Bonnets. Even so hath this man been all his life 
 in competition with Liszt and Mendelssohn and 
 Mozart. And he liveth in my town, and hath a 
 name that is spelled like unto the way that it is 
 pronounced. 
 
 And I said, I honor the Mighty Dead for their 
 works' sake; but I will not blister my hands for 
 them. I would rather applaud a Living American 
 than a Dead Dutchman. 
 
 And the Intermission ended, and we heard a Sym- 
 phonic Poem by Liszt. And him I applauded some 
 and sufficient, but Liszt hath been dead some time, 
 and there was another man who came back one time 
 more because I and Keturah kept clapping. 
 
 THE SCRUB TEAM 
 
 There was a Day in Spring when I walked in the 
 City, and I came to a Base Ball Park. And the Gate 
 was open, and I entered. And I sat on the Bleachers 
 where were only a Few Men. For the time of 
 Base Ball was not yet. But the Team was prac- 
 ticing. 
 
 And the Team was arrayed in New Uniforms, 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 77 
 
 but the men against whom they played had no uni- 
 forms. 
 
 And I asked one who sat nigh unto me, and I 
 inquired, saying, 
 
 Who are these, and whence came they ? 
 
 And he said, These are the Scrub Team. Behold, 
 the Home Team will not Do a Thing to Them but 
 to skin them alive. 
 
 And it was even as he said. The Home Team 
 did wipe up the earth with the Scrub Team. For 
 they were better players. 
 
 And I said, Wherefore doth not the Scrub Team 
 play with another Scrub Team, that it may stand a 
 chance to Win, and have whereof to Glory? 
 
 And he said, Because it hath greater glory in 
 helping to get the Home Team in Good Condition. 
 
 And he said, Behold the boys of the Scrub Team 
 are from this same neighborhood, and they are 
 themselves Near-Good players. And next Saturday 
 doth the season open between the Home Team and 
 the Team from the other side of Town. Therefore 
 doth the Scrub Team rejoice to be licked to a 
 frazzle, that it may promote the welfare of the 
 Home Team, and get it into good shape for the 
 Game. Yea, and on the other side of town at this 
 very minute doth the Home Team of that side play 
 against another Scrub Team, that doth take its 
 Walloping with Glee for the like Cause. 
 
78 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And I came away rejoicing. 
 
 And I said, Declare unto me no more that Altru- 
 ism is dead, and that we live in a world where every 
 man is for himself and the devil doth take the hind- 
 most. There be many signs that it is not so. 
 
 And I said, I will never lose my faith that men 
 are capable of Heroic Unselfishness so long as there 
 is a Vacant Lot with Eighteen Boys Playing 
 thereon, the one Nine in Uniform going forth to 
 glory, and the other Nine laboring in Obscurity and 
 taking its Licking with glee. 
 
 And I said, I have played on the Diamond, and I 
 have known the joy that thrilleth the arms of a lad 
 when the Bat doth strike the ball; yea, I have heard 
 the plaudit of the multitude when I have come in 
 over the Home Plate. But I recall from the memo- 
 ries of my youth that I was not always a member 
 of the Uniformed Team; and that it was joy and 
 not pain to be Gloriously Licked by the Home Team 
 that it might go forth and lick the other fellows. 
 
 And I said to myself that I liked to see Good Ball 
 played by professionals; but that nothing revived 
 my faith in human nature more than to see a prac- 
 tice game in which the Home Team was licking the 
 Scrub Team, and the Scrubs rejoicing thereat. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 79 
 
 THE NEXT TIME 
 
 There lived in the Town of my Boyhood a Dam- 
 sel, whose name was Dinah. And I liked her, and 
 knew not but that I could like her more if I were 
 to Drop Everything Else and give her my Exclusive 
 Attention. 
 
 And I went away and abode for certain months 
 in another place. And Dinah came thither to visit, 
 and I determined to Show her a Good Time, for 
 she was from my Home Town. And Dinah was 
 willing, but also was pursuing a policy of Watchful 
 Waiting in certain other Directions. 
 
 And there came the Fourth Day of July, and 
 Sunday School Picnic. And some rode thither in 
 Buggies, but the most part on Hayracks, or any old 
 way. But I stood in with a man who had two 
 Saddle Horses, and he was particular to whom he 
 loaned them. 
 
 And when I came unto the house where she 
 lodged, leading one horse and riding one, Dinah's 
 countenance fell. 
 
 And she said, Safed, it is good of thee to take me 
 to places, and I like it, but thou art only a boy from 
 the Home Town, and I would fain ride in one of 
 the loads, that I may meet others as well as thee. 
 
 And I went to a friend, who was driving his own 
 two horses, that were hitched to an Hayrack. And 
 
80 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 beside him was his best girl, and her name was 
 Ruth. And upon the Hayrack were young men and 
 maidens. 
 
 And I said, Sam, wilt thou do me a Favor? 
 
 And he said, I will give thee anything, save Ruth 
 only. 
 
 And I said, Take thou my two saddle horses for 
 thee and Ruth, and let me drive thy team. 
 
 And he said, Let us hasten, Ruth, and climb down 
 from here and mount the horses. 
 
 Now when Dinah saw that Ruth and Sam were 
 glad, then was she more snippy than ever. 
 
 But that day was not wholly lost. For there rode 
 on the Hayrack two maidens whom I had not met 
 before. 
 
 And one of them was Keturah. 
 
 Now after fourteen years, Dinah wrote to 
 Keturah, and said, I would visit thee. 
 
 And Keturah wrote and said, Come. 
 
 So she lodged with us four days. And she was 
 still unmarried. 
 
 And on one night was a lecture. And Keturah 
 cared not to go, but stayed with her Five Children, 
 and I took Dinah to the lecture. 
 
 And as we were returning, Dinah spake to me, 
 saying, Dost thou remember the Fourth Day of 
 July, fourteen years ago? 
 
 And I told her that I had not forgotten. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 81 
 
 And she said, When thou didst take me home 
 that night thou didst say to me, I am sorry that thou 
 hast not enjoyed this day, and I hope it will fare 
 better the Next Time I invite thee. 
 
 And I said, I remember. 
 
 And she said, Safed, This is the Next Time. 
 
 And I considered that some people who wait for 
 the Next Time will have a long time to wait. 
 
 THE MOVING PICTURES 
 
 We took a journey, I and Keturah, and we 
 Changed Cars in a certain city, and we lodged there 
 One Night in an Inn. And we walked abroad after 
 that we had Dined, and it was evening. And the 
 Shops were closed, but the Movies were open. And 
 we gave Two Dimes unto a Damsel in a Glass 
 Cage, and we went in and sat down. 
 
 And we beheld a Moving Picture, the theme 
 whereof was The Reward of Virtue. And it was 
 concerning a Young Woman who loved Art with a 
 Capital A, and who appeared not to love Dishwash- 
 ing. And she left her Home and went to a Great 
 City and Studied Art. And she was subject to 
 Great Temptations, all of which were Shown to 
 us, and the w»ay she was Tempted was A Plenty. 
 But nothing tempted her to go Back Home and 
 help her mother Wash the Dishes in the Kitchen 
 
82 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Sink. So she Came to the Very Brink. And the 
 man who Tempted her Most was a Millionaire in 
 Disguise. And the More he Tempted her the more 
 he Loved her. And when he found that he could 
 not have her without Marrying her, he offered to 
 Marry her. And they were Married. So the Re- 
 ward of Virtue was Cash in the Bank. And we Sat 
 Through this Highly Moral Movie. And we 
 Yawned, both of us. 
 
 Then spake I to Keturah, and said, There are 
 Two More Films. Shall we stay for them? 
 
 And she said, This stuff doth not amuse me. 
 
 And I said, It is not up to Our Speed. Let us go. 
 
 So we went while the Going was Good. 
 
 And as we wandered, we came to a Down Town 
 Church, where the rich had moved away, and the 
 poor remained. And the door was open and we 
 went in. And there was a Prayer Meeting. And 
 there were Not as Many people there as there were 
 at the Movies. And they who loved the Lord spake 
 there to each other, and comforted one another, and 
 lifted their prayers to God for Courage for the 
 Day's Job. 
 
 And we saw in their Faces, and heard in their 
 Words such Dramas and Tragedies as No Movie 
 Man ever invented. And the Reward of Virtue for 
 them was in Faith to go on, and the Approval of 
 Conscience, and the Peace of God. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 83 
 
 And we Returned unto the Inn, and I answered 
 Keturah, and said, 
 
 That also was a Moving Picture, and it was Great 
 Stuff. 
 
 And Keturah said, That was the Real Thing. 
 That was Life. 
 
 And when we knelt beside our Bed that Night, 
 we Prayed for Both Companies of People. 
 
 EDEN AND THE SERPENT 
 
 Now the manner of my wooing of Keturah was 
 on this wise. After that Dinah had been rude to me, 
 I saw Keturah now and again, but I was minded 
 that I would Avoid Entangling Alliances, for I was 
 laboring hard that I might gain an Education, and 
 silver and gold had I none. But there came a night 
 in June when I and the stars looked down on 
 Keturah, and mine heart told me that I loved her. 
 Yet spake I not to her of love that night. But I 
 went to my room, and I regarded mine empty 
 Pocket Book, and I said to it that it might Go Hang, 
 for I would not let another night descend on earth 
 till I should have her as mine own. 
 
 And on the next day I sought her, and I was on 
 Horseback, and I led another horse. And I en- 
 treated her that she would ride with me far into the 
 Hills. And she did so. 
 
84 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And when we were far from the habitations of 
 men, our horses stopped that they might drink at a 
 Mountain Stream, and there I asked her if she 
 would ride with me down the long road till the end 
 of life. And she told me that she would. 
 
 Then rode we forward, and our horses climbed 
 up a Little Hill, and there ran across the Road be- 
 fore us a Rattlesnake. 
 
 Now, in the Region where we then were, if a man 
 start upon a Journey, and there cross his path a 
 Rabbit, then will he return unto his House, and go 
 not forth again that day, but begin his journey again 
 upon the Morrow. And albeit I care not for such 
 like Superstitions, yet was it an Uncanny Thing 
 that a Rattlesnake should cross before us on the 
 very first Mile of the road whereon we traveled 
 into our Eden. For the world was bright with the 
 sunlight of June, but the Venomous Beast fled not 
 away, but Coiled himself by the Roadside, with his 
 Head Erect, and his Forked Tongue out, and his 
 Rattles making an Unpleasant Noise. 
 
 And I cast my Bridle Rein into the hand of 
 Keturah, and I leaped from my Saddle. And I said, 
 
 Whether it be a Portent of Evil, I know not, but 
 the Lord do so to me and more also if there shall 
 live a Rattlesnake that can cross our Path this day 
 and Get Away With It. 
 
 And Keturah said, Go not nigh unto him, but 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 85 
 
 return and let us ride on. For he is Dangerous, and 
 his Bite is Fatal. 
 
 But I heeded not the word that she spake, and I 
 did as I said that I would do. And somewhere 
 among the Memorials of my early days are there 
 the Rattles of a Snake. Thus did I change an omen 
 of evil into a Prophecy of Good. 
 
 And I mounted my Horse, and Keturah said, 
 Thou art an Ardent Lover and a Fierce Fighter. 
 I would rather thou wouldest love me than fight me. 
 
 And I told her that that also was My Preference. 
 
 Now since that day the road hath been long, and 
 the milestones of our journey have been thirty and 
 three, and our pathway hath been crossed often and 
 by many things good, and a Fair Assortment of 
 things evil; but the good have been more than the 
 evil. And that old Serpent, which is the Devil, hath 
 never pulled off on us any of his Adam and Eve 
 stuff. 
 
 And I have meditated often on that first Serpent 
 that came into our Eden on the day when God made 
 Keturah from one of my Ribs and sent her back 
 to her place nigh unto mine heart, and I have 
 reflected that that Snake could not have suspected 
 what Combination he was Up Against, or he would 
 have Departed Elsewhere. 
 
 For no Serpent can do very much harm in the 
 
86 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Eden of an Husband and Wife who do continually 
 love one another. 
 
 Now I know not why Patrick should have been 
 able to get the Snakes out of Ireland and the Lord 
 God should have permitted them to be in Eden. But 
 this have I discovered, that if we may not have 
 Edens with fences that are Snake-proof, the next 
 best thing is to Strafe the Serpents when they first 
 appear, and dispose of them forever. And this 
 would make almost any Eden happy. 
 
 HOLLYHOCKS AND THE STORM 
 
 There grow Hollyhocks at the home where we 
 abode while they made ready for us the house hard 
 by the Synagogue, for I planted them, and they will 
 grow for many years. And now, after two years 
 there grow Hollyhocks at the house hard by the 
 Synagogue. For I planted them, and when any 
 friend of mine did send me seed, saying, Behold, 
 here are Hollyhocks of a Choice Variety, then did 
 I dig up another place for them and plant them 
 there. And the time of blossoming drew nigh. And 
 there came a mighty Rain, with a great Wind, and 
 the Hollyhocks were Beaten down so that they lay 
 flat. 
 
 And I walked among them, I and Keturah, and 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 87 
 
 she said, Behold how they begin to lift themselves 
 again. 
 
 And I said, Yea, but I fear that they will not 
 grow straight. 
 
 And Keturah put her hand under one of them, 
 and lifted it gently, as she would have lifted a little 
 child that had stumbled and fallen upon its face, and 
 the Hollyhock stood up, albeit with soiled face and 
 fingers, and was erect. And she lifted another like- 
 wise. And she did it gently. 
 
 And she said, Behold, they desire to rise, for God 
 made them upright. But when they get so far 
 down, they must be helped. 
 
 And Keturah said, My lord, it is even so with 
 Folks. 
 
 And I said, Keturah, thou hast well said. It is 
 hard enough to stand erect when one hath never 
 fallen. And there are men and women who are 
 down and think that they are out, but are not, who 
 need just the little lift which thou art giving to 
 these Hollyhocks. 
 
 And Keturah said, It is a sad thing for a flower 
 that hath the nature of a thing erect and beautiful, 
 to be beaten down so that it lieth in the mud, and 
 hath no comeliness or beauty; and it is only a little 
 thing to lift it up that it may grow. Yea, and if it 
 need a stake that it may have something to tie to, 
 it is good use of timber. 
 
88 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Therefore did I and Keturah make a covenant 
 with each other and the Lord, that as we walk where 
 the storms of life have beaten, we would Lift Up 
 every flower of God that hath fallen across our 
 path, and not trample upon it nor despise it, but 
 seek to make it fit to bloom in the Garden of God. 
 
 THE SIGNAL TOWER 
 
 The train whereon I rode drew nigh unto a City, 
 and it Slowed Up in the outermost parts thereof till 
 the man in the Signal Tower bade it go on. For he 
 lived in a place High and Lifted up, with Levers on 
 this side of him and on that, and with Electric Sig- 
 nals and many Strange Devices. And when he 
 dropped the Semaphore, then did we go forward, 
 not on a straight track, but we curved to the Right, 
 and again to the Left, and we Smelled out, as it 
 were, the way that he desired us to go among the 
 tracks till we came at length into a Great Terminal 
 where a place had been prepared for us. And all 
 the way, though we no longer saw him, his hand 
 did guide the way whither we went, so that we 
 smashed into no other train, though many were 
 coming and going, but we came safely to our De- 
 sired Destination. 
 
 Now as we pulled slowly past the Signal Tower, 
 
OF SAFED. THE SAGE 89 
 
 I took note, and behold, it was in a Desolate Spot, 
 where the Signal Man had Very Little Companion- 
 ship. But he had climbed down in the hours when 
 no trains were going, and had planted seeds about 
 the Signal Tower. And there were Larkspurs to 
 match the sky, and Poppies that grew red. And 
 beside all these were Hollyhocks, yea and many of 
 them. 
 
 There were Hollyhocks of Brown, like unto the 
 eyes of Keturah, and Hollyhocks of pink, like her 
 cheeks when first God gave her to me, and others 
 white as the snow, and others red as the rose. And 
 they grew ever upward as if they would mount to 
 the Signal Tower and smile in at its windows at the 
 man who planted them. 
 
 And as we went on our way, I thought of the 
 man in the Signal Tower, and I said to him in my 
 heart : 
 
 "Thou art my brother. I also have a tower like 
 unto thine, which appertaineth unto my Church, and 
 there do I spend long hours in a place of mine own, 
 apart from men and lifted up, that I may catch if so 
 it may be the messages which I shall transmit into 
 signals for them to keep them on the right track, 
 and I also grow Hollyhocks." 
 
 So I climb again to my Signal Tower, and I seek 
 if I may give unto men the right Signals that they 
 
90 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 go aright on life's course to their safe place in its 
 Terminal ; but also will I brighten the earth beneath 
 with Hollyhocks. 
 
 THE JUNE CHRISTMAS TREE 
 
 The daughter of the daughter of Keturah stood 
 at the door of the Synagogue, and waited for me. 
 And it was the Sabbath day. 
 
 And I spake unto her, but she answered me sor- 
 rowfully. And her countenance was fallen. 
 
 And I said, What is the matter with my little 
 girl? 
 
 And she said, They told me that it would be a 
 Tree, and it was not a Tree. 
 
 And I said unto her, Tell me about it, that I may 
 know when a Tree is not a Tree. 
 
 And she said, They did tell me in the Sunday 
 School to bring a Present that I might hang it upon 
 a June Christmas Tree. 
 
 And I said, I know about that. It is for the 
 little children in China. And because the Box must 
 be packed long beforehand in order that it may 
 reach the little Chinese children in time for Christ- 
 mas, therefore do they gather the presents in June. 
 And they intended that on this day they would hang 
 the Presents upon the Elm Tree that groweth hard 
 by the Synagogue, and that the children should sing 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 91 
 
 about it here, and then send the presents to China. 
 But it rained in the Night, and the Sod is wet. 
 Therefore did they hold the Exercises in the Sun- 
 day School Room, and because they had no tree 
 therein, therefore did they stretch a Cord whereon 
 Presents might be hung. 
 
 And she lamented much, and she said, They told 
 me that there would be a June Christmas Tree, and 
 that we must bring Picture Books and Toys for 
 the Little Chinese Children in the Hospital, and 
 hang them upon the Tree. And there was not a 
 Tree, but only a String. 
 
 And I sought to comfort her, but she said, They 
 told me that it would be a Tree, and it was nothing 
 save only a String. 
 
 Now I was once a Child, and I remember that 
 my disappointments were not many, but they were 
 very keen. And there are some of them that I re- 
 member still. And I wonder if the little maiden 
 will not remember as long as she shall live the June 
 Christmas Tree that was nothing but a String. 
 
 And I took her by the hand, and I walked with 
 her to the Elm that was to have been the Christmas 
 Tree, and I told her how beautiful the Tree would 
 be in China. But she said, They told me that it 
 would be a Tree, and it was not a Tree, nor was it 
 anything save only a String. 
 
 And I thought of the Garden of Eden, and of 
 
92 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Eve, and how she had been told of the Tree of Life 
 and had thought to eat thereof ; but how life as she 
 knew it was just a string, with one perplexing thing 
 after another. 
 
 Indeed, there have been days when mine own 
 Tree of Life yielded to me the same bitter fruit. It 
 was naught save a String, which might be pulled and 
 pulled, and it came to no end, but to many a tangle. 
 
 But I have learned that even upon such a string 
 there may be hung those precious gifts of Sacrifice 
 and Love, which I verily believe in some Celestial 
 Kingdom will shine among the fruits of a Tree 
 whose leaves are for the healing of the nations. 
 Therefore do I seek this day to fasten the ends of 
 my String of Life a little tighter, and to pin upon 
 it each several day some gift of Kindness or good 
 deed; for who knoweth whether my String be not 
 one of the Roots of God's Tree of Life? 
 
 THE CIRCUS PROCESSION 
 
 Now the daughter of Keturah spake unto me, 
 saying, Father, behold, there cometh a Circus to 
 town. Wilt thou borrow my Little Daughter and 
 take her thereto? 
 
 And I said, Among the many uses of little chil- 
 dren, one is this, that by reason of them it becometh 
 the duty of Grandfathers to attend the Circus. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 93 
 
 And we went early, but we did not avoid the 
 Rush. 
 
 Now, we went behind the tents to where they 
 made ready for the Great Parade. And there were 
 Famous Characters of History in their Chariots, 
 and there was a Calliope that played Keep the Home 
 Fires Burning on Steam Whistles, and there were 
 Very Funny Clowns, but not so Funny as Clowns 
 were when I was a Lad. And there were Wild 
 Beasts, as many as went into the Ark. 
 
 And there were Nine Elephants. 
 
 Now, the Elephants were Timid, and they liked 
 not to go in Procession. Therefore did their 
 Trainer take an Old Elephant, and set him in the 
 front with a Mahout on his head; and he com- 
 manded another Elephant to come forward and 
 take with his Trunk the Tail of the First Elephant. 
 Then did he bring forward the Third Elephant, and 
 command him to take hold of the Tail of the Second 
 Elephant. Likewise did he with all. 
 
 And the Elephants were no longer Timid, but 
 walked, every one of them in the big, broad foot- 
 steps of the one before him, and held every Elephant 
 to another's tail. 
 
 Now when the daughter of the Daughter of 
 Keturah saw this, she was Greatly Amused ; and she 
 Laughed, and I laughed with her. For the Ele- 
 
94 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 phants were so large and the tails which they clung 
 to were so small. 
 
 And I said, My little maiden, what thou seest is a 
 Parable, and even such is Life. Men and Women 
 who are Old Enough and Big Enough and ought to 
 Know Better, stand trembling even like those Great 
 Beasts till they have some Slender Thing to Cling 
 to whereby they may follow in the Procession, not 
 knowing whither they go. 
 
 But the little maiden listened not to my Moral. 
 Wherefore did we go and buy Peanuts to feed the 
 Elephants when they returned, and some Pink 
 Lemonade and a Red Balloon for ourselves. 
 
 And it was a Good Show, but not such as they 
 had when I was a Lad. 
 
 THE BUMBLE BEE 
 
 We came, I and Keturah, to the place where we 
 are wont to spend our Summers. And we walked 
 under the great Pine Trees, and I went with un- 
 covered head, for I reverence them. And we came 
 nigh unto the nest of a Bumble Bee, and I knew it 
 not. And a Bumble Bee flew at me Furiously, and 
 he assailed my Head, and he thrust out his Sting. 
 
 And Keturah saw him, and she cried out, Alas, 
 my husband, for he hath stung thee on the Forehead. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 95 
 
 And I answered, and said, I am very grateful to 
 that Bumble Bee. 
 
 And she said, Hasten, and put something on it, 
 ere it swell. 
 
 And I said, My head is not Swelled, neither shall 
 that Bumble Bee swell it. He stung me not, and I 
 am very thankful to him. 
 
 And she said, If he stung thee not, I am glad. 
 But I know not why I should be thankful. For it 
 was in his heart to sting. 
 
 And I said, My hair groweth thin, and my friends 
 say, Safed groweth toward Baldness. But this Bee 
 got Tangled in my Hair. He that hath hair enough 
 to entangle a Bumble Bee is not Bald. 
 
 And I considered how many are the annoyances 
 of life, and even of its threatened dangers, that 
 afford us ground for joy, if we only know how to 
 interpret them. 
 
 THE POTATO BUG 
 
 There came unto me a man, who sat him down 
 before I asked him to do so. And he inquired of 
 me, saying, 
 
 Dost thou believe in Prayer? 
 
 Now, I am a man of Prayer, neither hath there 
 been a day since my childhood when I have not 
 prayed unto my God. But I answered him not, for 
 
96 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 I knew that he had not come to learn what I be- 
 lieved about Prayer, but to tell me what he believed, 
 and that he would Never Notice whether I answered 
 him or no. 
 
 And he took up his parable and said, I was on the 
 train, on my way to a Very Important Business 
 Engagement; and if I made it, I should make Good 
 Money, and give unto the Lord a tenth thereof. 
 And my train was late. And I approached a Junc- 
 tion. And if the other train had gone, I had Missed 
 my Appointment. So I took the matter to God in 
 prayer, and behold, the other train was later than 
 mine own. So did I meet the appointment, and I 
 sold the Goods, and the Treasury of the Lord shall 
 prosper. 
 
 And he thought not of the many people on the 
 Connecting Train who suffered by the delay which 
 his Prayer had Seemed to Produce. 
 
 And I said unto him, There is a place where I go 
 in Summer, where there are Trees and a Lake and 
 Streams. And there grew a Great Tree by the side 
 of a stream, and the waters washed under the roots 
 upon the one side thereof, so that the Tree grew 
 out over the Stream. And it was a Beautiful Tree, 
 and it grew for an Hundred Years. And the Cattle 
 rested under the shade thereof, and the Birds of 
 Heaven did build their Nest in the branches thereof. 
 
 Now, upon the one side of the Stream was there 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 97 
 
 a Potato Patch, and within the Patch there grew a 
 Potato Vine, and upon the Potato Vine there 
 Crawled a Potato Bug. And when the Potato Bug 
 had filled his Belly with the leaves of the Potato 
 Vine, he looked across the Stream, and behold there 
 was another Potato Patch, fairer than the one 
 wherein he abode. And he said, I will go forth, 
 even into that other Potato Patch, and there shall 
 my soul Delight itself in Fatness. So he came to the 
 Stream, and he could not get across. And he tar- 
 ried there that night. And in the night there arose 
 a Great Wind, and it smote the Tree, so that it fell, 
 and its Mighty Trunk lay across the stream. And 
 when the morning was come, the Potato Bug 
 climbed upon a root of the Tree, and he crossed 
 over, and came unto the other side, and he went to 
 the other Potato Patch. And he said, Now do I 
 behold the Goodness of God who hath made a 
 Bridge for me, and brought me safe over the 
 Stream ; for this is an answer to my Prayer. And 
 while the Potato Bug gave thanks to God, the Cattle 
 mourned for the Shade which had sheltered them, 
 and the Birds were Sorrowing over their Broken 
 Eggs, and over their Little Birds that were Crushed, 
 and over their Homes that were Desolate. But the 
 Potato Bug knew it not, nor regarded it, but 
 thanked his God for the answer of the Prayer of the 
 Potato Bug. 
 
98 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Now the man who had come to tell me that he 
 believed in Prayer heard this parable, and he was 
 wroth. And he said, Dost thou compare me to a 
 Potato Bug? 
 
 And I said unto him, I speak the truth in parables ; 
 for the good God hath made the outer world and 
 the things therein that they may be as a Mirror to 
 the Souls of men. I do not compare thee to a Potato 
 Bug, but if thou seest any Points of Similarity, that 
 is thine own affair. 
 
 And he departed. 
 
 THE PULLOON 
 
 The daughter of the daughter of Keturah sat on 
 the Curb, and she looked like a Small Sized Picture 
 of Dejection. She lifted not her head when I drew 
 near, and when I spake to her, she answered as it 
 were in a Whisper that was nigh unto Tears. And 
 she tried hard, and she could not Produce the Tears. 
 
 And I took her in my arms to comfort her. 
 
 And she laid her head against my shoulder, and 
 her little warm face did she rub against my face. 
 And she tried hard to cry. 
 
 And I said, Wherefore is my little maiden sad? 
 And why hath her countenance fallen? 
 
 And she answered me with a Near-sob. And she 
 said, We have no Money. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 99 
 
 And I said, At the Present Price of almost every- 
 thing, Money is not quite a Superfluity. Wherefore 
 dost thou desire Money? 
 
 And she said, I desire a Pulloon. 
 
 And I understood her not. And I said, Speak 
 not to me in that sobbing voice. What is that thou 
 desirest? Is it a Prune? 
 
 And she told me that it was not a Prune. 
 
 And I asked her, What is a Pulloon like unto? 
 
 And she said, It is a Round Ball, of Red, or Blue, 
 or Gold, and it Saileth High in the air, but it hath 
 a String to Pull, lest it ascend to Heaven. Then 
 understood I why she thought the name was 
 Pulloon. For the name of a thing must have a 
 meaning to her. 
 
 And I said, Come with me into the House, and 
 let us see Baby Brother, and as for the Pulloon, 
 forget it. I have not seen a man that selleth 
 Pulloons in Many a Moon. 
 
 And we went into the house. And the daughter 
 of Keturah laid her young son in mine arms, whom 
 she hath named for me. And he is a Goodly Child. 
 
 And even as we stood there, behold I heard the 
 sound of a whistle. And I caught the hand of the 
 little maiden, and I said, Let us hasten. Behold, 
 there is such a thing as a Special Providence. And 
 we hailed the seller of Pulloons. And he had Red 
 
ioo THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 ones and Blue ones and Green ones. And she was 
 hard put to it to determine which she would take. 
 
 And the man watched her warily, for he knew 
 what Grandfathers less wise than I did at such 
 times. And he said, 
 
 One for Fifteen centa; two for Quarta. 
 
 And I said, Pulloons have Gone up. Neverthe- 
 less, even if they were cheaper I would buy but one. 
 For I know the folly of supposing that a child's life 
 consisteth in the multitude of the Pulloons which 
 she possesseth. 
 
 And we selected one. And the little maiden took 
 it, and ran with it, and laughed, and it sailed above 
 her Golden Curls; but her heart rose higher and 
 danced more merrily than did the Pulloon. And 
 mine heart went up with hers. 
 
 For we all sail our Pulloons. Yea, my heart is 
 in the air with one of them, wherein rideth a Son of 
 mine that saileth over the Ships to warn them of 
 perils. 
 
 Yea, I have invested Rather Heavily in Pulloons. 
 
 Pulloons cost more than they did. 
 
 THE BUTTON AND THE PLUS 
 
 There were two men who lived in a certain city, 
 and they were neighbors and partners. And what- 
 soever of Prosperity came to their business, that 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 
 
 did they divide, so that the one and the other did 
 share alike. And there came a Great War. And 
 there was a Committee which waited on these two 
 men, and said unto each of them, Lend of thy money 
 to thy Government, for it hath need; and in so 
 doing thou shalt gain for thyself Four and One 
 Fourth Per Cent and make the World Safe for 
 Democracy. 
 
 And one of them considered, and said, God hath 
 prospered me with a moderate prosperity; I will 
 subscribe all I can afford. And he subscribed for 
 a bond that cost him a Thousand Shekels. 
 
 And the other asked him, How much hast thou 
 subscribed ? 
 
 And he said, A thousand shekels. 
 
 Then said he, That is Going Some, but I will go 
 thee Fifty-Fifty. I also will subscribe for a Thou- 
 sand Shekels. 
 
 But he thought within himself, Peradventure 
 they raise it not all the First Crack out of the Box, 
 then will they come around again ; and if I subscribe 
 a Thousand Shekels, then shall I have nothing left 
 wherewith to come back at them again. So he sub-; 
 scribed Five Hundred Shekels. And he said unto 
 the Chairman of the Committee, If thou lackest, 
 come back; for thou canst always count on Yours 
 Truly to do his share, and Then Some. 
 
 And the Committee gave to each of them a But- 
 
102 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 ton, whereon was written, Trouble me not, for I 
 have Subscribed for the Liberty Loan. 
 
 Now when the Committee had canvassed the 
 town, behold, they were short of their Quota. 
 
 And they said, We must hustle around and make 
 it up, lest they tell in Gath that we are Slackers, and 
 publish in the streets of Ashkelon that we be Pikers. 
 
 Then came the Committee back to these two men. 
 And the one who had subscribed for a Thousand 
 Shekels said, I have Gone the Limit. 
 
 But the other said, Sure Thing. And he sub- 
 scribed an Hundred Shekels. 
 
 And the Committee gave unto him another sign to 
 fasten on with his Button, whereon was written, I 
 have given Plus. 
 
 But the other man had only his button. 
 
 And all men did honor the man who had given 
 Six Hundred, because he had given Plus; but they 
 honored not the man who had given a Thousand. 
 
 And the man who had given Six Hundred, he 
 talked much about how the men who gave the Plus 
 subscriptions had Put the Loan Across and enabled 
 the town to Go Over the Top, but in his soul he 
 knew that he was a Piker and a Cheap Skate and 
 that his Middle Name was Ananias. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 103 
 
 THINGS ONE WANTS TO KNOW 
 
 Now there came to me two men, who were clad in 
 Gay Apparel, and they Drave up to my Door in a 
 Chariot, and they Honked, and they spake unto the 
 Maid, and asked, Doth Safed live here, and is the 
 Old Prophet at Home? 
 
 And the maid answered and said, He is at Home, 
 but he is Busy; I will ask if he can see you. 
 
 And they answered, Sayest thou he is Busy? 
 Now would not that Jar thee ? What hath he to be 
 busy about? 
 
 And they entered, and they said, Canst thou tell 
 us what we want to know ? 
 
 And I said, I cannot. 
 
 And one spake to the other, and said, It is just as 
 I expected, only I did not think he would admit it. 
 
 And I answered, I can tell some men what they 
 want to know, but not you; because the things ye 
 want to know are not the things best worth knowing. 
 
 And one of them spake and said, The old fellow 
 hath Some Punch in him, and Cometh Back right 
 well. 
 
 And they consulted together and said to me, We 
 want to know whether to Buy Stocks or Sell, now 
 that the end of the War approacheth ; and if thou art 
 a Prophet thou canst advise us to our Advantage. 
 
 And I said, I have already given you your Answer. 
 
104 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Ye seek me because ye wish not to know the things 
 that are of the most worth. 
 
 And they said to me, O Come Off. Cut out all 
 that Stuff. Hast thou power to tell how the Market 
 will go? We think not, otherwise thou wouldst 
 gather in the Coin for thyself, whereas thou art a 
 poor man. Nevertheless, if thou art a Prophet, 
 here is thy Chance. Put us Wise to the Market, and 
 if thou givest us a Right Tip, we will give thee Ten 
 Talents of Silver. 
 
 And I answered in the words of the Apostle, Thy 
 money perish with thee ; because thou hast thought 
 to purchase the Gift of God for money. 
 
 And one of them looked at the other, and tapped 
 his forehead with one finger, and looked at me, and 
 then at his Companion, and winked ; and he said, 
 
 There is No One at Home. 
 
 THE END OF THE WAR 
 
 I and Keturah we go away in the Good Old Sum- 
 mer-time, and we sojourn for Two Months beside 
 a Little Lake. And there is a tree that groweth close 
 down by the Lake whereon every year the Leaves 
 turn Red at the beginning of the last week in Au- 
 gust. Then know we that it is time to Pack our 
 Baggage. 
 
 And on the first day of September in this present 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 105 
 
 year did we return to our home. And our Daughter 
 greeted us at the door. For she had come to set the 
 house in order, and she brought with her the small 
 Grandson who is named for me, and her little 
 daughter also. And when the little damsel knew 
 that we were there, for she was playing in the gar- 
 den, then did she come running. And I went to 
 meet her with my arms outstretched, and she also 
 spread her arms so that all of her little pink fingers 
 spread out. And her eyes were sparkling, and her 
 Golden Hair was dancing as she came. 
 
 And these were the words wherewith she greeted 
 me, saying, 
 
 O, Grandpa ! Is the War over ? 
 
 The little maiden hath a Service Flag, and it con- 
 taineth Six Stars. For there be three brothers of her 
 father in the Army, and three brothers of her 
 mother, yea my sons and the sons of Keturah, in 
 the Navy, including them that ride above the ships 
 in what the little damsel doth call Pulloons. And 
 her thought of absence and of homecoming was all 
 of the war. Therefore did she inquire, saying, O, 
 Grandpa ! Is the War over ? 
 
 Now there came a day when the War was over. 
 And the bell rang in the Synagogue ; yea, with mine 
 own hands did I ring it, while it was yet night. 
 And the people thronged the streets so that all that 
 day and far into the night the streets were Im- 
 
106 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 passable for the Multitude. And I took the little 
 maiden, and I carried her on my shoulder where 
 the crowd was great, that she might see and remem- 
 ber all her life the wild tumult of them that cheered 
 when Peace came again from Heaven upon Earth. 
 And I mingled with the throng, and I rejoiced with 
 them. And I saw the Mirth and the Rejoicing. 
 
 But when I think of the coming of Peace, there 
 riseth before my mind the vision, not of the Crowd, 
 neither of the sound of the Musick of the Bands, 
 neither the Noise of them that blow Horns and 
 Pound upon Pans, but the vision everywhere of 
 Little Children who run, one by one, to meet return- 
 ing men, and crying in their Childish Joy, Is the 
 War over? 
 
 And I thank God for the answer that shall be 
 made unto them. 
 
 THE FOUR-CENT BIRTHDAY 
 
 The daughter of the daughter of Keturah is three 
 years of age, and she goeth upon the Sabbath Day 
 unto the Sunday School. And on every Sabbath 
 she taketh with her a Nickel, the value whereof is 
 Five Cents. 
 
 And it came to pass upon a Sabbath morning that 
 she spake to her mother, and she said, Give me not 
 Five Cents, I pray thee, but rather give me Four. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 107 
 
 And her mother did even as she desired. 
 
 And upon that day she came home from the Sun- 
 day School in Great Glee. 
 
 And on the next Sabbath her mother gave unto 
 her a Nickel, but she said, Nay, for I desire Four 
 Cents. 
 
 And her mother said unto her, Wherefore dost 
 thou desire Four Cents? 
 
 And she said, In order that I may have a Birth- 
 day. 
 
 And her mother said, Thou art but Three, and 
 thy Birthday is not long past. It will be many 
 months before thou shalt have a Birthday. 
 
 But she said, Nay, I had one last Sunday, and I 
 must have another today. 
 
 Then said her mother, Didst thou indeed tell the 
 Teacher that last Sabbath was thy Birthday? 
 
 And she answered, Verily I told her so, and I had 
 the Four Cents. For whatsoever little girl doth 
 bring Four Cents, she shall have a Birthday. 
 
 And her mother said, Nay, my daughter, it is 
 not thus. Birthdays come not so often, and when 
 they come thou must take them, even though the time 
 shall come when thou wouldest give Four Cents not 
 to have them. Take thy Five Cents. 
 
 And the Little Damsel answered, and said, If I 
 take Five Cents the Teacher doth accept it and say 
 nothing. But if I take Four Cents, then may I drop 
 
108 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 them one by one while all the children count thus, 
 One, Two, Three, Four. Yea, and they join hand 
 to hand and march around me, and sing a little 
 Song concerning me. But if I take Five Cents they 
 do none of those things. Wherefore will I take 
 Five Cents no more, but rather will I take Four 
 Cents and have a Birthday every Sabbath. 
 
 Now when I heard these things I smiled. For 
 verily I have seen many people older than the 
 daughter of the daughter of Keturah who work 
 the same Stunt successfully. Yea, they go 
 through life making their Meager Contribution 
 but causing the Pennies to be counted so con- 
 spicuously that the Great Overgrown Kindergarten 
 which is called The World doth join hand to hand 
 and sing a song around them. 
 
 But no man hath attained to Real Nobility of 
 Soul till he hath learned to drop- in his Nickel and 
 go on about his business unpraised rather than enjoy 
 the Cheap Fame of the Four-Cent Birthday. 
 
 THE NEW SUIT OF CLOTHES 
 
 We journeyed toward the South, both I and 
 Keturah, and we came to the Land of Cotton. And 
 we lighted on a Plantation, and we Lodged there. 
 
 And the Corn Pone of that land is Good, likewise 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 109 
 
 the Honey that they spread thereon, and there is 
 Milk such as Cows yield, and not such as the Milk- 
 man Bringeth. 
 
 And the Cook was an aged Mammy, who had Ac- 
 cumulated a Large family of Children. And mine 
 Host spake much of the skill of his Cook, and how 
 she could make Beaten Biscuits such as I had never 
 eaten. 
 
 So he sent to the Store and bought a fresh Sack 
 of Flour for Mammy to use in making Beaten Bis- 
 cuits. And there rode a Lad to the Kitchen Door, 
 having on the horse behind him a Sack of Flour. 
 And Mammy received it at his hand, and Emptied 
 it into the Bin. 
 
 And she came to the door with the Sack in her 
 hand. And she called to one of her Offspring, and 
 she said, 
 
 "Mammy gwine to make you-all a New Suit ob 
 Cloes; dem does you got on is done wore to Rib- 
 bons." 
 
 And she spake truly concerning the clothes that 
 her child wore. 
 
 And she took the Shears, and she cut Three Holes 
 in the Flour Sack, and she put it upon the Child, 
 so that out of one hole came His Head, and out of 
 the other Holes came his arms. And his Black Face 
 was streaked with Flour, and so were his Legs. 
 
 And upon his Back was the Advertisement of the 
 
no THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Memphis Milling Company's XXX Flour in colors 
 of Blue and of Red. 
 
 And his companions looked upon him with Great 
 Admiration. 
 
 And as I looked upon the child with his New 
 Suit of Clothes, and beheld how Simple and Suf- 
 ficient it was, and how Ornamental withal, and I 
 saw the children playing and heard Mammy singing 
 the while she Beat the Biscuits, I answered Keturah, 
 and said, 
 
 "We pay too high a Price for our Civilization. ,, 
 
 THE PANAMA HAT 
 
 I went when the summer began, and I found a 
 man who sold Hats. And I said unto him, I desire 
 a Straw Hat. 
 
 And he said, It is not seemly in a man of thy 
 standing that he should wear an ordinary Straw 
 Hat ; behold, I have here a fine lot of Panamas, and 
 they are Cheap. 
 
 And he showed me Panamas at Six Dollars, but 
 I found none that I desired. Then did he show me 
 Panamas at Eight Dollars and at Ten, but they 
 fitted me not. 
 
 And he said, Behold, here is a Bang-up, First 
 Class Panama that should sell at Twenty Four Dol- 
 lars, and thou shalt have it at Sixteen. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 
 
 And I said, That is more than I have ever paid 
 for an Hat. Yea, my Two Gallon Stovepipe Hat 
 did cost me less than half of that. 
 
 And he said, It is an Economy. For it will wear 
 thee forever, only thou shalt have it cleaned once in 
 the year. 
 
 And I bought it. 
 
 Now I have read how Human Conduct is the 
 result of Reactions of External Stimuli, which are 
 Uniform in their result. But this have I Noticed, 
 that my Sixteen Dollar Panama doth make other 
 men Absent Minded, and it doth make me Very 
 Vigilant. For there is not a man who owneth a 
 Two Dollar Near-Panama but he straightway mis- 
 taketh my Hat for his ; but I promote his Presence 
 of Mind and keep mine own Hat. 
 
 I have read in one of the Books that falleth be- 
 tween the Old Testament and the New how that a 
 King of the race of Antiochus did greatly horrify the 
 people of God by compelling them to wear the Hat, 
 and I do not wonder ; albeit I know not the price of 
 Hats in that day, nor whether men with Cheap 
 Panamas were then Absent Minded. 
 
 This have I observed, that all experiences and all 
 tangible things that men employ or suffer have two 
 Aspects. The gun hath two meanings to the man 
 behind it and the man in front of it, and much that 
 is in life dependeth f or its meaning on which of its 
 
THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 two aspects we behold, even as the hat meaneth one 
 thing to the man who owneth it and another to the 
 man who owneth it not. For to him that owneth it 
 not it is an Opportunity of Absent Mindedness, and 
 to him that owneth it it is a reminder that Eternal 
 Vigilance must be added to Sixteen Dollars as the 
 price of a Panama Hat that one shall keep. 
 
 The process of being in love is Intelligible if not 
 Intelligent; but there is a distinction between being 
 in Love as the two young people concerned experi- 
 ence it and the appearance of the same experience 
 in the eyes of other people. 
 
 There was once a wise man named Immanuel 
 Kant who taught that the conduct of every man 
 should be such that all men might profitably do like- 
 wise. But when all other men wipe their hands and 
 faces on the Outside of a Roller Towel, then do I 
 use the Inside. 
 
 THE RECOIL 
 
 There came to me a man who is my neighbor, and 
 he said, 
 
 Browning is a genius. 
 
 And I said, He wrote some great poetry. 
 
 And my friend said, I spake not of the Poet. 
 Neither did I speak of Peter Browning, though he 
 was wont to play great ball. The Browning I refer 
 to is John. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 113 
 
 And I said, What hath he written? 
 
 And he answered, He hath written the Doom of 
 Autocracy by means of the Machine Gun. 
 
 And I said, There have been Machine Guns this 
 long time. 
 
 And he said, Yea, but this is a New Principle. 
 Didst thou ever shoot ? 
 
 And I answered, In my youth I could Shoot 
 rather better than Moderately Well. 
 
 And he said, Dost thou know about the Kick of a 
 Gun? 
 
 And I answered, In the days of the Civil War 
 the Government of Belgium sold to this nation cer- 
 tain old muskets till the armories in this land could 
 make Springfield and Enfield rifles. In my boyhood 
 I once owned a Belgian musket, and if I had been 
 consulted then, I should have said that Belgium 
 deserved all that the Kaiser hath done to it. 
 
 And he said, John Browning hath measured the 
 Kick of a gun, and utilized it in providing power 
 for the reload. Therefore have we the best and 
 most rapid firing machine guns. 
 
 And I spake to my friend, and I said, When this 
 Cruel War is over, then shall I move that John, 
 Browning be made chairman of a committee to 
 utilize the energy of all Kickers. For there is a 
 whole lot of Kicking that serveth no-present good, 
 and if it cannot be stopped it should be utilized. 
 
ii 4 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And my friend said, If Browning can do that, 
 he will do better than write a Poem that few people 
 understand, and almost as well as he shall do if 
 he licketh the Kaiser. 
 
 CONCERNING EXTREMES 
 
 There came unto me a man who said, Thou art a 
 man of Blood. For when the War was on, thou 
 verily didst pray for the Armies and the Navies. 
 And thy sons did go to War and thou didst wear a 
 Service Pin with Three or Four Stars. The Blood 
 of men is upon thy hands. 
 
 And with many like words did he speak unto me. 
 
 And I said unto him, I like not a man who is 
 Lukewarm, but one who is Hot or Cold. 
 
 And he said, There is nothing Lukewarm about 
 me. 
 
 And I answered, Thou hast well said. Neverthe- 
 less, we live in a world wherein Extremes Meet, and 
 the Mean Result of Two Extremes of Hot and Cold 
 is Lukewarm. And a Freeze is one with a Scald. 
 
 And he said, I know not what thou art talking 
 about. 
 
 And I said, Thou art a Pacifist, but thou art a 
 Vindictive Fighter, and thy Pacifism doth Camou- 
 flage thy Militarism. 
 
 And I said, In this world of Extremes I have 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 115 
 
 known lecturers on Personal Purity to be run into 
 court by the Cop for doing the things they lectured 
 against, and I have seen Temperance Lecturers tak- 
 ing the Keeley Cure, and I behold Pacifists smelling 
 the Battle afar and hitting every head in sight. 
 Thus do men take into their own system the very 
 evils which they oppose. Thou dost Skim the Pot 
 and Lick the Ladle. 
 
 And I said unto him, I am a man of Peace, who 
 will have peace though he fight for it. Thou art a 
 man of Strife, and will have war though thou be- 
 come a Pacifist to obtain it. 
 
 And I said, It grieveth me to the heart that in this 
 world children of the same God do fight and devour 
 one another, and I have no ill words for any lover 
 of peace. But let the lover of peace pursue peace, 
 and let him not with his tongue stir up strife which 
 other men must settle with the sword. 
 
 OUT AND IN 
 
 There came to see me a man from another city, 
 and it is a Goodly City. And it lieth toward the 
 Rising of the Sun. And I met him on the Threshold 
 of my House. And he said, 
 
 Doth Safed the Sage live here? 
 
 And I told him that it would do him no good to 
 seek farther. 
 
n6 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And he said, I have read of thee, and I had busi- 
 ness out here, and I have come to see thee. 
 
 And I asked him, Where didst thou say thou 
 hadst business? 
 
 And he said, I have business in thy city. 
 
 And I said, I understood thee to say that thou 
 didst have Business Out Here. 
 
 And he said, I believe I did say so. In the city 
 where I live, if a man come toward this point of the 
 Compass, he speaketh of it as Out. 
 
 And I said, That form of speech showeth an Un- 
 fortunate Mental Attitude. 
 
 And he said, It is only a Form of Speech. 
 
 And I said, Nay, it is a Trait of Mind. The 
 Chinese do teach in their Schools a science called 
 Geography, wherein China is shown as the Middle 
 Kingdom, with all other nations Outside, so that 
 whithersoever a Chinaman goeth, he goeth Out, and 
 whosover cometh to China, he cometh In. It is 
 more than a Form of Speech ; it is a Mental Habit, 
 and a Bad One. 
 
 And I said, God's sun knoweth no Out or In any- 
 where in the Temperate Zone, for every land hath 
 its Morning and Noon and Night. He who thinketh 
 of himself as going Out when he goeth to another 
 city shutteth his Soul against some possibility of 
 Instruction. 
 
 And he said, I do not think it is so bad as that. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 117 
 
 It is just our habit of speech. Nevertheless, I do 
 verily believe that thou art right, and that no man 
 in going from the East to the West or from the 
 West to the East should speak of it as Going Out, 
 lest he give offense. 
 
 And I said, That is not the Principal Reason ; he 
 should not speak thus, because it conduces a Mental 
 Limitation. East and West are both alike to the 
 Sun, and each spot hath its own High Noon midway 
 between Sunrise and Sunset. 
 
 And I said, This is In. 
 
 And he said, I verily believe that thou art right. 
 
 And I opened my door wide, and I said, Come In. 
 
 And he came In, and we had Sweet Fellowship 
 together. 
 
 For he was a Fine Man, and all he needed to know 
 was that he had not come Out but In. 
 
 MAGNANIMITY 
 
 I sat in a Restaurant, and one of the sons of Ham 
 did serve the table. And there sat nigh unto me a 
 very Unreasonable Man who complained of the 
 Service, and the Food, and the Prices, and of much 
 beside. And to the Ethiopian he was abusive. And 
 the Ethiopian took it Very Courteously. 
 
 And after the man had gone out, I commended 
 the Ethiopian. And I said unto him, That man 
 
n8 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 was most unreasonable, and thou didst show Rare 
 Patience. 
 
 And he said, Yassah, he sho was mighty Vigor- 
 ous in de Language dat he used. 
 
 And I said again, And thou didst do well to 
 govern thy Temper. 
 
 And he said, Yassah. Thank you, sah. 
 
 And I said, It is a rare and fine quality, that of 
 holding one's Temper under such conditions. 
 
 Now when I had said this, the Ethiopian waiter 
 grew confidential. 
 
 And he said, When a man is in my Position ob 
 Superiority, sah, he kin afTohd to be Magnanimous. 
 
 And I wondered what he considered his Position 
 of Superiority. 
 
 And I said, Any man who can control his Temper 
 is in a Position of Superiority. 
 
 And he said, Yassah. But I has de Exceptional 
 Advantage, and I kin afTohd to overlook sech things 
 as dat man said. 
 
 And I was interested. And I besought him that 
 he should tell me about his Position of Superiority 
 which enabled him to control his Temper and to 
 exhibit Magnanimity. 
 
 And for a time he would not. But when I de- 
 sired him much, he told me in what manner he made 
 proof of his superiority. 
 
 And he spake thus privately unto me, 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 119 
 
 I did put Dishwater in his Coffee. 
 
 Now when I heard these words, I considered 
 many things. 
 
 For I saw that indeed the Ethiopian possessed a 
 Position of Superiority, and could avail himself of 
 many expedients that might assist him in the Dis- 
 cipline of Self-Control. And I resolved that I 
 would be Very Considerate of the feelings of Ethi- 
 opian Waiters. For I am not fond of Dishwater, 
 and I have had much Coffee that tasted Magnan- 
 imously like unto it. 
 
 And I considered yet farther, and I said, If this 
 humble son of Ham can establish within his own 
 Soul, either with or without the aid of Dishwater, a 
 sufficient Assurance of Superiority so that he can 
 rise to a Place of Magnanimity, so may every man. 
 And it might be that most could achieve Mag- 
 nanimity that would make the Dishwater superflu- 
 ous. 
 
 Nevertheless, I smiled within myself to think how 
 the Abusive Man had gotten what he deserved. But 
 no quantity of Dishwater would make him mag- 
 nanimous. 
 
THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 THE TWO INN KEEPERS 
 
 There was in the olden time a city where two Inns 
 stood the one over against the other. And each of 
 them did advertise a Room and a Bath for a Dollar 
 and a Half. 
 
 Now the High Cost of Living did hit that town, 
 and the Cost of Operating an Inn did increase. And 
 one of the Inn Keepers said within himself, I must 
 needs mark up my Prices, but I fear the Competi- 
 tion of my Competitor. And he marked up his 
 rooms to Two Dollars. And he skimped on his 
 Linen, and he put but one Cake of Soap in the room, 
 which had to serve both the Washbowl and the Tub. 
 For he said, We must Hooverize. 
 
 But the Other Considered, and said within Him- 
 self, 
 
 When the Elevator starteth up, why stop at the 
 Mezzanine ? But we must make it up in service. 
 
 Therefore did he buy a better quality of Soap, 
 which cost him One Cent Extra for each Cake. And 
 he put Two Cakes in each room. Likewise did he 
 invest another Cent in a Portable Wash Rag for 
 every guest to drop in his bag along with one of the 
 two cakes of Soap. 
 
 And all the Traveling Publick, which knoweth a 
 Good Thing When it seeth the same, did go to his 
 Inn. And he charged them Two Fifty and Up. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 121 
 
 And now and then he smiled to himself when he 
 considered that for the Extra Half Dollar and Up, 
 he had invested Two Cents in the Soap and a cent 
 in the Wash Rag. 
 
 This Parable teacheth that a Wise and Discrim- 
 inating Publick demandeth Good Value for its 
 money, and that some men are Wise in their genera- 
 tion. 
 
 Now when I considered this matter, I said, if the 
 investment of Three Cents in Better Soap and a 
 Wash Rag doth give unto the Guest a sense of hav- 
 ing Gotten the Worth of his Money, behold, I will 
 consider what small investments there may be that 
 in my business shall give unto those that come to 
 me the like conviction. 
 
 For there is no advertisement like unto a Pleased- 
 Customer. 
 
 THE INN AND THE EATING HOUSE 
 
 There came to me a friend of mine who inquired 
 of me whether I had any money that I could lend 
 unto him. And I said, I have an hundred shekels : 
 take it : it is thine. 
 
 And he thanked me, and he said, Thus am I bor- 
 rowing from all my friends, for I have opportunity 
 for a great investment. 
 
 And he told me of the great new Five Million 
 
THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 Shekel Hotel that had just been opened, which 
 people of wealth did inhabit, and he said, I have 
 rented the great room next door, and therein will 
 I open a Cheap but attractive Restaurant. 
 
 And I said, Thou wilt surely lose all thy money. 
 
 But he did as he had said that he would do. And 
 he furnished a good meal at about the price which 
 the Waiters next door expected as a Tip. 
 
 And it came to pass that all the High Toned 
 Guests who came to town and registered at the 
 Hotel, and wrote their letters on its Stationery — 
 they did buy every man his meals at the Restaurant 
 of my friend. 
 
 Then did my friend prosper, and he paid me back 
 my hundred shekels with usury. And besides this 
 did he serve me now and then a Good Square Meal 
 and took no silver therefor. And he went from city 
 to city, and wherever a great hotel was builded, 
 there did he put in a Cheap Restaurant. And he 
 now hath great Wealth. 
 
 And I considered the matter, and I remembered 
 that the man who spendeth his money for one thing 
 doth not have it to spend for another. And this is 
 what wise men have called The Law of Compensa- 
 tion. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 123 
 
 GOLF BALL AND EARTHQUAKE 
 
 There came one to me and said, O Safed, I am 
 told that thou art a wise man and also a righteous 
 man. 
 
 And I answered, The two are not wholly incom- 
 patible; if men say such things concerning me I 
 must be the more unmindful of my folly and my 
 unworthiness. 
 
 And he said, Dost thou believe in the power of 
 prayer ? 
 
 Forasmuch as he knew very well what I believed, 
 I answered him as I answer men when I desire that 
 they shall make the Next Move. And I said unto 
 him, Whether thou hast come to be enlightened, or 
 hast come to enlighten me, say on, for the sunlight 
 is scarce. 
 
 And he said, I believe that God answereth every 
 true prayer. Dost thou so believe? 
 
 And I answered, Yea ; and sometimes He answer- 
 eth Yea, and sometimes He answereth Nay. 
 
 And he said, There is no Nay with the Almighty 
 when the prayer of faith is answered. 
 
 And I said, It is well that all men pray, and that 
 they pray the prayer of faith. But the prayer of 
 faith is still the prayer of human understanding; 
 and although the faith be perfect, the wisdom may 
 be scant. Wherefore, if God must needs say Yea to 
 
i2 4 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 every fool prayer, then would I desire to move into 
 Some Other Universe. For I do verily believe that 
 God doth not loan his Rubber Stamp to every 
 strong-faithed and weak-minded Christian. 
 
 And he said, Cannot God turn our folly into 
 wisdom ? 
 
 And I answered, God can do everything that 
 denieth not his own nature and that involveth no 
 contradiction of terms. But some things that God 
 can do, God is too good and too wise to do, even 
 though all the foolish Christians on earth do tease 
 Him. 
 
 And I said, There was a great game of Golf, 
 wherein the two players came to the Eighteenth 
 Hole with an even score. And one struck with his 
 Putter and knocked the ball so that it stopped just 
 at the edge of the Hole. And the other took his 
 Putter and lifted it that he might Put, when there 
 came a very small Earthquake, and the ball of the 
 other player Rolled In. And the question was Much 
 Discussed whether he did thereby win the game. 
 And they who were wise in matters of Golf decided 
 that a player may not Shake the Earth in order to 
 Jar his Ball into the Hole. And they gave the Game 
 unto the other man. 
 
 And I said, So is it with God. He hath placed 
 this Earth on the Tee, and hath knocked it over a 
 Rocky Course of Eighteen Holes with an hundred 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 125 
 
 years to each and then some. And He will yet land 
 it in the Last Hole by a Clean and Fair Stroke, and 
 not by Violating the Laws which He Himself hath 
 made. 
 
 THE LOST AFFECTIONS 
 
 Now there came unto me a Middle Aged Woman ; 
 and she said, Hast thou a Philosopher's Stone 
 wherein thou dost look, and tell Unhappy People 
 what to do? 
 
 And I told her that I had. 
 
 And she seated herself before me, and I looked at 
 the Rings on her left hand and I looked also into the 
 Philosopher's Stone, and I said, Thou art Married. 
 
 And she answered and said, I am. 
 
 And I looked again, and I said, Thou art unhappy. 
 
 And she said, O Safed, thou art indeed a man of 
 Great Discernment. 
 
 And I said, Thy husband, who once was most 
 fond, now Tendeth to his Business, and seemeth to 
 thee to be Inconsiderate. 
 
 And she gently Sobbed her Assent. 
 
 And she said, O Safed, I simply must tell some 
 one ! And I have come to thee, for thou art Wise 
 and Sympathetic. My husband once loved me De- 
 votedly; it was Just Too Sweet for Anything, the 
 Way he Loved me. But now I am Losing his 
 Affections. 
 
126 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And she said, O Safed, dost thou not know some 
 Philter, which I may cunningly concoct and give 
 to him, that he may Partake Thereof and Love me 
 Like he Used to ? 
 
 And I answered, I know a Potent Love Potion, 
 and I can impart it to thee. 
 
 And she said, O Safed, Deceive me not, neither 
 keep me Waiting! 
 
 And I said, This is the Potion. Go thou to the 
 Market, and there get thee a Beefsteak An Inch 
 Thick, and be sure that it is Tender. Rub it gently 
 with an Onion, and put it in the Broiler, and be sure 
 that the Broiler is Hot. Place it over an Hot Fire 
 and Cook it upon the one side : then turn thou it and 
 Cook it upon the Other Side. And be sure thou 
 cook it Quickly that thou cook the Juice into it and 
 not out. 
 
 And she said, I will tell the Maid to do it so. 
 
 And I said, Nay, but do it with thine own hands. 
 
 And she said, Is that all ? 
 
 And I said, Sprinkle it lightly with salt, and yet 
 more lightly with Pepper; and place on the top 
 thereof a Good Big Lump of Butter. And take thou 
 a Great Potato, and Bake it with the Cover on ; and 
 when it is baked, open it upon the Top Side, and put 
 therein a Lump of Butter, and some Salt, and 
 sprinkle the edges with Red Paprika. And bake 
 the Potato first that thy Steak cool not while it 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 127 
 
 baketh. And have on thy Good Dress, which thou 
 mayest cover with a Big Gingham Apron; and when 
 thou seest thy husband coming, slip off thine Apron, 
 and come to the table in thy Best Bib and Tucker, 
 and Smile at him while he eateth thy Magic Potion. 
 
 And she said, Will that assuredly give me back 
 my husband's affections? 
 
 And I said, It is warranted never to fail. 
 
 And she said, But what about the High Cost of 
 Living? 
 
 And I said, The High Cost of Living is justified 
 by the High Cost of Loving. Beefsteak and Baked 
 Potatoes, though they come high, are cheaper than 
 Divorce and Alimony. Yea, and they yield their 
 Peaceable Fruits. 
 
 And she went and concocted the Magic Potion 
 even as I told her. And she administered it to her 
 husband Many Times. 
 
 And they lived together Happily Ever After. 
 
 SYMPATHY AND HELPFULNESS 
 
 There came to our City a Great Plague, even the 
 Spanish Influenza. 
 
 And people that I knew not sent for me, saying, 
 There lieth one dead in our house. Come, and speak 
 to us a Word of Comfort, and pray to God on our 
 behalf. 
 
128 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And I went to a House where the man had died. 
 And his wife wept bitterly. And the women, her 
 neighbors, gathered about her and sought to com- 
 fort her. Now the house was in Disorder; for the 
 woman had never been a good housekeeper, though 
 she loved her husband, and Lamented him sore. 
 
 And she cried, saying, Alas, my husband! He 
 was all that I had! And we were very happy to- 
 gether, and now I am Desolate and Alone! 
 
 And the other women crowded about her, and 
 essayed to comfort her. And they said, Weep not 
 so sorrowfully, for verily thou shalt grieve thyself 
 unto Sickness. 
 
 And she said, I care not that I should be sick ; yea, 
 I desire that I may be sick and die, and lie down 
 beside him whom I loved. 
 
 And they said, Speak not thus Despairingly, nor 
 be overcome of Grief. 
 
 But none of them Made up the Beds, nor Washed 
 the Dishes, nor Dusted the Parlor Table. 
 
 And I spake of it to Keturah. 
 
 And I said, Sympathy is one of the most blessed 
 things in life; yet do I prefer a sympathy that is 
 helpful. 
 
 And Keturah said, Those neighbor women gave 
 to her what she most needed. The unmade beds and 
 the unwashed dishes did offend thine eye, but not 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 129 
 
 hers nor theirs. The soul hath its deeper needs than 
 dishwashing. 
 
 And I answered, Verily thou hast spoken truly. 
 Nevertheless, I like better the sympathy that know- 
 eth how to help. 
 
 THE PIECE CUT OUT 
 
 There is a way that I have learned whereby I 
 may fool Keturah; and because there be so few 
 things in which I can fool her, and so many in which 
 I should like to do so, and because there be few men 
 who know even one such way, therefore do I record 
 it. 
 
 There cometh to our door every morning a lad 
 who bringeth unto us a Daily Paper; save that on 
 the Sabbath he bringeth it not. For on that day do 
 I desire to have rest from some of the things of the 
 week. And there cometh to our door twice every 
 day a Postman, and he bringeth many other papers. 
 And I read them with Shears, so that when I read 
 something that I would read again, then do I cut 
 it out. 
 
 And Keturah hath no more than her share of 
 Curiosity, yet is there nothing which she hath so 
 keen a desire to know as what was in the Piece that 
 I have Cut Out. And sometimes she careth for 
 
130 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 nothing else in the Paper, but she fain would know 
 what was the Article which I have cut out. 
 
 Therefore have I learned this, that when I would 
 cut out an Article, I will cut out the Whole Page. 
 And from the page do I clip out the Piece that I 
 want, and throw the rest into the Wastebasket. 
 Then doth Keturah read the paper and Miss Noth- 
 ing. So do I keep Peace with her, and save the 
 Piece that I cut out. For even though she misseth a 
 page, and therewith the end of an article, yet doth 
 it not offend her like the cutting out of a Little 
 Square from the middle of the page. 
 
 Now I have considered this, and I have reflected 
 that it is often possible to do a Large Thing and get 
 away with it, whereas a Small Thing of the like kind 
 doth only irritate. 
 
 THE NEEDS OF GREAT MEN 
 
 We went, both I and Keturah, unto another city; 
 and there we attended a Convention. And the peo- 
 ple of that City were given to hospitality, and they 
 received us into their homes, hoping to entertain 
 Angels unawares. 
 
 And the Hostess of the Home where I and 
 Keturah lodged spake privately unto Keturah, and 
 she said — 
 
 Behold, all that we have is thine, and thy hus- 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 131 
 
 band's. And I stand much in fear lest we be not 
 able to do for thy husband what should be done unto 
 him. For we have heard that he is a man of Dis- 
 tinction. 
 
 Now no one knoweth how little Distinction I have 
 so well as Keturah, nor how little I deserve that 
 little ; but Keturah will never divulge that unto an- 
 other, though she remind me of it in private. 
 
 And this woman spake unto Keturah, and told 
 her what things that she had heard concerning the 
 husband of Keturah. And she said, I fear lest I be 
 not able to do for him what should be done for so 
 Distinguished a man. 
 
 And Keturah spake unto her comfortingly. And 
 Keturah said, A Distinguished man needeth a bed 
 no longer nor wider than any other man, nor a bath 
 tub any more commodious. As among women the 
 Colonel's lady and Judy O' Grady have all the essen- 
 tials of their nature in common, so it is with men. 
 Give unto a man three things, and he will do very 
 well. Give him a comfortable place to sleep, and 
 feed him well three times in the day, and make not 
 too much fuss over him, and he will think that he 
 is having a good time. 
 
 And our hostess said, Why that is exactly what 
 I do for mine own husband. 
 
 And she did even as Keturah said. And we were 
 very happy in that place. 
 
132 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 ON GROWING OLD 
 
 Keturah spake unto me, and inquired of me, say- 
 ing, Wilt thou love me when I am old ? 
 
 And I answered, I will not. 
 
 And Keturah said, Verily thou didst promise. 
 
 And I said, I promised nothing of the kind, 
 neither will I perform it. I promised to love the 
 woman whom I married, and she was a young 
 woman, and thou art that woman. Wherefore then 
 should I love a woman who is old ? 
 
 And she said, But, alas, my husband, I am not 
 young as when I married thee. 
 
 And I said, If the years have done anything to 
 thee, they have done the same to me, and I see thee 
 no different, only more dear and more fair. Yea, 
 and when many women are gathered in any place, 
 then do I look around till I find the fairest of them 
 all, and that is thee. For I have always loved fair 
 women and no others, and I am too old to want any 
 other kind. Therefore do I love thee more than all 
 else. 
 
 And Keturah said, Thou speakest like the foolish 
 lover whom thou hast ever been ; and inasmuch as I 
 have thee fooled, it were greater folly to seek to 
 make thee wise. God grant thou be ever as foolish 
 as thou art now. 
 
OF SAFED THE SAGE 133 
 
 And I said, O Keturah, I am not unmindful of 
 what the years have wrought in both of us. Thou 
 art the mother of soldiers, of men tall and strong, 
 and a daughter who is older than thou wert when 
 first God gave thee to me. Thou didst not wear 
 glasses when first I knew thee, neither was there a 
 gray hair in thy brown and waving hair, and thy 
 dark eyes looked at me from under a smooth brow. 
 I do verily see in thee some marks of physical 
 change, and I welcome them not either in me or in 
 thee, for mine is an heart of youth, and I delight 
 not in anything that diminisheth strength. Yea, I 
 dread the time when I shall have to be careful what 
 I eat, and when I shall be admonished to take life 
 less strenuously, for that I am no longer young. 
 And I rejoice now as a strong man to run a race, 
 neither do I know sickness nor weariness nor pain. 
 But I suspect that the years have left some mark 
 upon us both, only I see it not in either of us. And 
 thou art more fair to me than ever, yea, and ten 
 thousand times more dear. 
 
 And I said, Age dependeth not on how long a man 
 hath been born, for some men were old from their 
 birth. The angel that rolled the stone away from 
 the tomb of the dear Lord Christ had been in heaven 
 ten thousand years, but the women saw him, and 
 had he been old they would have noticed it ; but he 
 was a young man. 
 
134 THE WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 And I said, Keturah, if thou art any older than 
 when I married thee, I do not suspect it. 
 
 And Keturah said, Just for that I will make thee 
 a Cherry Pie; and my Cherry Pies are as good as 
 when we first were married. 
 
 And I said, yea, and I thank God that my appetite 
 for them is as good as it was then. 
 
 And I might just mention that it was Some Pie. 
 
 
 RD 44 
 
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