A PAIR OF PANT S HARRY L NEWTON'S One-Act Comedy Sketches, Monologues and Dramatic Episodes ; A Rose of Mexico A Pair Of Pants A Jack And His Queen A Drama Talking Act A Comedietta An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch Chatter Monologue for Males Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch Family Secrets Monologue Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode Keep Your Eye On The Ball Comedy Sketch Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch What Every Woman Thinks She Knows Suffragette Monologue "n^ M. WITMARK & SONS, Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York A PAIR OF PANTS A RAPID-FIRE TALKING ACT. By HARRY L. NEWTON Copyright 1913 by M. MtiTMARK & SONS International Copyright Secured M. WITMARK Sc SONS Publishers Witmark Building, 144-146 W, 37th Street, New York CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS Professional performing rights reserved A PAIR OF PANTS. Note. — The acting rights of this Act are expressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom Pro- fessionals who wish to use ti should apply. Amateur representation may be made with- out such application and without charge. ©ao 34013 I A PAIR OF PANTS CHARACTERS. Straight Man. Comedian. Scene. — A street in *'One" with practical doors in flat R. and L. Sign over door R., reading, "Ted- dy the Tailor." Characters — Straight Man and Comedian Cos- tumes ad lib. (At rise Straight enters from L. i E., Comedian enters from door, above which is the sign, ''Teddy the Tailor!') Straight — Say, you're the fellow I've been look- ing for. Comedian — Yes, and you're the fellow I want to see. Straight — I want my pants. Comedian — I want my three dollars. Straight — I haven't got three. I'm so short that a dwarf is a giant alongside of me. Comedian — Yes, and I'm so short that my sore corn gives me a toothache. Straight — Well, I want to know if my pants are ready. A PAIR OF PANTS Comedian — And I want to know if my three dol- lars are ready. Straight — Oh, forget your three! Comedian — Then forget your pants. Straight — Now, that's enough. Do you suppose I could ever forget my pants ? Comedian — You had better not. Straight (Angrily) — Are my pants ready? Comedian — I will go and see. (Goes to door R^) Straight (Follows him to door) — If you haven't got my pants ready I'll scold you plenty. You are a first-class specimen of the Tribe of Nothingness^ — and will never happen. Your father was a rag- picker, and you know it. Why, say, 1 bought some old clothes of your father twenty years ago. Un- derstand? Twenty years ago I bought some old clothes from your father. Get me? Comedian— Yes, I get you — and you're still wearing 'em. (Exits quickly through door.) Straight (Shakes fist at closed door) — Oh, I am, am I? Now let me tell you right here, you block- head — Comedian (Enters quickly from door L. Has a very small pair of pants over one arm, rolled up) — Say, I'd like three for these, please. (Holds up pants, hut not unrolled.) Straight (Turns to him) — Oh, there you are, are you ? Comedian — No. Here I am, am I. Straight — Are my pants ready ? A PAIR OF PANTS Comedian — Sure. {Unrolls trousers and holds them up.) Straight— Ready ? Why, man, they're not half ready. (Takes them and holds them up in front of him. They are about two feet long.) Those pants won't half fit me. CoMFpiAN — Yes, they will fit you. Straight — I say they won't fit me. Comedian — Didn't you say you was short? Straight — Yes, financially, but not physically. Comedian — Well, they'll be long enough before you get another pair. Do I get my three? Straight — You do — Comedian — Thanks — Straight — Not. Comedian {Takes piece of chalk from pocket and makes Hgure 3 on Straight's coat, then exits into door L.) Straight {Follows him to door, angrily) — You bring back my pants ! Comedian {Opening door, R.) — Which pants? Straight {Turning to Comedian) — Those pants. Comedian {Holding them up) — These pants? Straight — Yes, my pants. Comedian — You're too short for your pants. About three too short. {Marks with chalk a iigure on door and exits.) Straight {Rushing to door where Comedian ^,ri/.s-)— Well, what do you think of that guy, any- way? {Raps on door three times.) Come out here, you ! ' A PAIR OF PANTS Comedian (Opening door L.) — Did you knock? Straight {Turns an^nVy)— Certainly. I knocked three times. Comedian — That's a dollar a knock. {Marks 3 on side of door.) Straight {Coming to Comedian) — Say, there's no use getting angry with you. {Laughs.) Let me ask you something. Are you married? Comedian — Yes. Straight — Where is your wife ? Comedian {Marks figure 2 in front of 3 on side of door.) Straight {Laughs) — Twenty-three for her, eh? Whom did you marry? Comedian — A woman. Straight — Oh, I know that ! Comedian — ^What did you ask for, then? Straight — I heard you married "a. grass widow. Comedian — I did. I married a grass widow. Straight — Then do you know what that*makes you? Comedian — No. What does it make me? Straight — If you married a grass widow, then it makes you a lawn mower. Ha, ha, ha ! Comedian {Stands motionless and looks serious.) Straight — Isn't that funny? {Laughs heartily.) Comedian — It is for three dollars. I'd laugh at anything for three. Straight — Well, you don't get three. Comedian — Oh, very well ! I got my wife's life insured yesterday. A PAIR OF PANTS Straight — That so ? In what company ? Comedian — The Glens Falls. Straight — The Glens Falls ? Why, that's a fire insurance company! Comedian — I know it. I got inside information. Straight — Inside information about what? Comedian — About where she's going when she dies. Straight — You're a smart boy. Comedian — Yes, but do I get my three ? Straight — You do not. Comedian — Stingy, stingy! (Marks 3 on Straight's hat.) Straight — Pants are made for men. Comedian — And men for pants. Straight — But women — Comedian — Are not made for — Do I get my three ? Straight — A man pants for a woman, and a woman pants for a man. Comedian — Then in that case they are a pair of pants. Straight — But men are often mistaken in pants. Comedian — Such mistakes are breaches of prom- ise. Straight — Now there has been much discussion as to whether pants is singular or plural. What do you think ? Comedian — Well, when men wear pants they are plural. When they don't wear them it is singular. Straight — Very good. A PAIR OF PANTS Comedian — I'll take my three, please. Yes ? Straight — No. Comedian — Oh, very well! (Marks ''three" on Straight.) Straight — Say, do you know the Tall family? Comedian — Sure. They live next to the Short family. Straight — What, in that tall building? {Points.) Comedian — No; in that Short building. Straight — You mean that the Short family owns the tall building? Comedian — No. How could a short family own any kind of a building? Straight — You just said the Tall folks lived in the short building. Comedian — That's what they do. Straight — Oh, now I understand you ! The Tall family live in that short building, right next to the Short building. Comedian — Say, how can anybody live next door to themselves? Straight — They can't. Comedian — But you just said they did. Straight — No, I didn't. Comedian — Yes, you did. Straight — No, T didn't. Now you listen to me. Comedian — I have listened to you, and I'm still short three. Straight — Do you see that short building right next to the corner? {Points off R.) Comedian — Yes, that's the Tall building. A PAIR OF PANTS Straight — I said the short building. Comedian— Well, the short building is the Tall building. Straight— Say, how can a building be short and tall, too ? Comedian — Dead easy. Straight — It's impossible. Comedian— That short building is owned by the Tall family. That makes it both short and Tall. Now, slip me three. Straight — Not yet — Comedian — But soon. Straight— I v/ant a little further information re- garding those Tall and Short families. Both of the Tall and Short families have pretty girls in them, have they not ? Comedian — Yes. Straight — Well, do you know Lucy Tall? Comedian — The short girl ? Straight— No, the Tall girl, Lucy. Comedian— Oh, the big, lengthy Tall girl? Straight— No, no ; the short girl. Comedian— Say, quit it. A minute ago you asked me if I knew the Tall girl, and now you say you mean the short girl. V/hich do you mean, anyhow? Straight — I mean the Tall girl. Comedian — But you said the Short girl. Straight— Say, I'm getting short of breath talk- ing to you. Comedian— Yes, and I'm short three dollars yet. Straight — Never mind your three. This girl I 10 A PAIR OF PANTS mean is a short Tall girl. Comedian— And the one I mean is a tall Short girl. Straight — No, no; that's a Short girl you are thinking of. I know her. The one I mean is Lucy Tall. A little, short girl, see ? About so high. (Il- lustrates.) Comedian — Oh, the short Tall girl? Straight — That's what I said at first. What's become of Lucy Tall ? Comedian — Why, she's married. She married a man by the name of Long. Straight^ — How long? Comedian — Eh ? Straight — How long? Comedian — No, just plain Long. Straight — I understand, you blockhead. How long have Mr. and Mrs. Long been married ? Comedian — Oh, about so long. (Holds hands about two feet apart.) SONG FINALE. NOVEL ENTERTAINMENTS AND SKETCHES 'THE EARTH CHILD." By Jessie Gertrude Criste. . A Novel Pantomine Play for Children. The charm of the fairy tale, which held us its will- ing captives as children, is reproduced in the Earth Child. The principal character, Hilda, is willfully diso- bedient, and when overtaken by the Brownies, is res- cued from a deep sleep by the Fairies; and Golden Hair, reprimanding her for her disobedience, starts her on her homeward way. The situations are very pleasing and original, and it is a delightful entertain- ment that may be given very easily. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "CHATTERTON." A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male. This is the life story of Chatterton, the poet, who died about 1770. It is a very beautiful and pathetic story, full of dramatic possibilities. It is easily played, and can be enacted in evening clothes v/ith almost as much success as in costume and with all the stage accessories. Entirely different in style and treatment from the ordi- nary "dramatic recitation," and may v/ell be termed a classic. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "BARBARA'S DILEMLMA." Comedy in one act for 1 Female and 1 Boy. (Can also be used as monologue without boy.) A pretty little story of the caprices of a coquette who has three beaux on a string, and who, when she finally imagines she is going to lose all of them, makes her choice of the one she really loves the best and all ends happily. Full of dainty, delightful comedy touches, and a splendid opportunity for a comedienne. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE BIRTH OF OLD GLORY." A Betsy Ross Sewing Party. This original dramatic sketch represents the nativity of the "Stars and Stripes" in the eventful year of 1776. The characters are the Goddess of Liberty, Betsy Ross, Uncle Sam, Columbia, and the Thirteen Original States, all of whom meet to sew and dedicate the first flag of the nation. This pietty entertairument, with its patriotic symbolism and musical and decorative features, is very desirable for young people of both sexes. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmark Bldg. New York AUG 5 1913 NEW MINSTREL MATERIAL By Frank Dumont, the Shakespeare of Minstrelsy. FINALES, INTERLUDES, SPEECHES, ETC. "SCOTTY, THE COWBOY." An up-to-date minute finale. For 3 persons — 2 comedians and 1 "straight" character. Dealing in most laughable fashion with the absurd adventures of a genuine cowboy, who finds himself regarded as a real millionaire from the "Wild and Woolly West." The finish is a red-hot one, and will leave the audience in roars of uncontrollable laughter. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "BOYHOOD PRANKS." A ludicrous interlude or finale. Requires 10 char- acters, all comedians. A "rip-roaring" finale reminiscent of the good old school days. W;e all played 'em — and we all recognize them when played again. Charmingly adapted for boy minstrels, and excruciatingly funny for the "big boys" to take part in. Imagine a 220- pounder playing Fatty Felix in knickerbockers. That's all Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE RIVAL SPEAKERS," Or THE JUDGE AND THE MAJOR. for 2 comedians and a funny policeman, A sketch introducing two rival political speakers who address the audience in spite of the interruptions of ea&h other. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. • - *'THE DOOLITTLE TWINS," Or THE PARSON'S VISIT, for 7 comedians and 1 "straight" character. A char- acteristic sketch or finale, introducing a marriage cere- mony — and a chritening. The funny bride and bride- groom, with the extravagant parson, are splendid char- acters, while the old colored mammy and two real colored babies afford no end of amusement and ample chances for a half-dozen comedians in addition to the "guests." Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "SIM DIMPSEY'S VISIT." Three in this — all comedians. A comic finale for first part, in which a countryman turns the tables on the smart city darkeys. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "MARCONFS WIRELESS TELEGRAPHY." Calls for 2 principal and 4 secondary comedians and 1 "straight" part. A funny sketch or finale with a scientific background. The colored Marconi engages a confederate to represent the "wireless" in a demon- litration given before a group of scientific men, with sensational results. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmarl: Bldg. New York LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 017 401 113 8„ •