*° a v <*> °wmw.>* ^^ - i ^S^° a v "^. * •»X •" n'' .♦• ^ °"° \* t.„ ^ •»' a^ .•• & ^ -J V- r^ -« a* c° 4 ..-^i*>o jf.ilikfSr c°*-^it.% 9 H Q xV V * 1 \»* C3L8 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND BY THE SAME AUTHOR A House-boat on the Styx Coffee and Repartee Mollie and the Unwiseman Proposal Under Difficulties Worsted Man; A Musical Play for Amateurs The Enchanted Typewriter Ghosts ! Have Met Mrs. Raffles Olympian Nights R. Holmes & Co. And Many Other Short Stories Alice in Blunderland An Iridescent Dream By JOHN KENDRICK BANGS Illustrated by ALBERT LEVERING > New York Doubleday, Page & Company 1907 LionARYtf'CONGReSs! lwo Copies Received 190*' -a, Cooyncht Bntry /£€3*7 COPY 5.' 7v MADE OFF WITH THE AGILITY OF AN ANTELOPE jig. " I've collected $800 since eleven o'clock this morning." Whereupon, forget- ting his crutches, he made off up the street with the agility of an antelope. Alice gazed after him in wonder. "I — I didn't suppose you had any beggars in Blunderland," said she. "He's the only one," replied the Dor- mouse. "He's the official Beggar of the 7o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND Town. He gets $25,000 in Tenth De- ferred Reorganisation Certificates a year — which, if the Certificates pay ten cents on the dollar, as we hope, will turn out to be a good salary in the end." " But why does he beg? Who gets the money ?" asked Alice. ' ' The City, ' ' said the Dormouse. ' 'Once in a while when the Printing Plant gets clogged up with large orders of Bonds for our various enterprises, the City has to get hold of a few dollars of real money, so they send Simpkins out for it. I believe he's out to-day trying to raise the inter- est on the Sixteenth Mortgage Extension Bonds on the Municipal Cigarette Plant purchased year before last. It's ten months overdue and the former owners have asked the Government to smoke up." "Oh!" said Alice. "Is the Printing Plant clogged up?" "Unmercifully," said the Dormouse. 11 Not to say teetotally. They're prepar- THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 71 ing their Christmas issues in Magazine form, and that means a terrible lot of extra work. I don't believe the way things look now that the City will be able to print the money for last January's pay- roll until somewhere around the next Fourth of July, and if that's the case poor old Simpkins will either have to work overtime or get a half-dozen Deputy Assistant Beggars to put the town in funds. I'm expecting to have the Police put on that job at any minute." Alice was silent for a moment, and the Dormouse went on. " What do you think of the Municipal Ownership of the Police idea?" he asked. "It's fine," said Alice. "But I thought all Cities owned their police force." "A great many people think that," laughed the Dormouse. "But it isn't so." "It is in New York and Chicago — I heard my Papa say so once," said Alice. 72 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND Again the Dormouse laughed. "Well," he said. "I don't want to cast any asparagus on your father's intelligence, but he's wrong. The Police may own New York and Chicago, but New York and Chicago don't own the police — not by a long shot." "Who does, then?" demanded Alice. "The Lord only knows," laughed the Dormouse. " Some people say John Doe, and other people say the Man Higher Up, but which it is, or who either of 'em may be, I haven't the slightest idea. Maybe they belong to the Copper Trust." And then with a sly wink at the little maid the Dormouse turned over and went to sleep. CHAPTER V THE MUNICIPAPHONE ARMED with the Copperation Coun- sel's opinion authorising him to do whatever he pleased next, the Hatter decided that he would give Alice a demonstration of the workings of the Municipaphone. 73 74 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 1 Which/ ' said he proudly, " I consider to be the most Democraticising thing I have ever invented. You can talk all you please about Universal Brotherhood, Unlimited Sisterhood, and the Infinity of Unclehood, but all of these movements put together haven't done as much to promote the equality of everybody as that Municipaphone idea of mine." Alice thought the Cheshire Cat's grin expanded slightly as the Hatter spoke, but she was not sure, although he most assuredly did wink at her. "I should admire to see it," she said. "What is it, just?" "It is the result of the Municipal Ownership of the Telephone," returned the Hatter proudly. "We have taken over everything that works by electricity — electric lighting, the telegraph, the telephone " "Even the thunder and lightning," interrupted the White Knight. "And under our management everything runs THE MUNICIPAPHONE 75 so smoothly that even the lightning doesn't strike any more. That's a great thing in Municipal Ownership. There aren't any more strikes under it." "What he says is true, my child," said the Hatter, " and in time we expect to get the thunder itself under control so that it will serve some useful purpose — I don't know yet exactly what, but I am having experiments made in storage batteries which will catch and hold the thunder with the idea of saving the noise it makes for fire-crackers, or Presidential salutes, or other things and occasions where the fracturing of silence seems desirable. Surely if we can take elec- tricity and under suitable Municipal supervision make it serve as a substitute for a tallow dip, why shouldn't we extract the reverberance with which it is fraught to add to the general clangour of joyous occasions?" "No reason at all," said Alice. "I wonder no one has ever thought of that 76 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND before. Just think of all the magnificent noises that go to waste in a thunder- storm." "You will discover in time, my dear child, that only under the Municipal Ownership of Brains such as we have here, can such great ideas be seized from the infinity of nothingness and turned into an irresistible propaganda," said the Hatter loftily. "He's the biggest gander of the bunch," whispered the March Hare. " But it isn't what we are going to do, but what we have done that we propose to show you," continued the Hatter, eyeing the March Hare coldly. "And as I have said, the Municipaphone is my crowning achievement. Just come here and I will show you." The Hatter led Alice to a nearby lamp- post, and pointing to a little box fastened to the middle of the pillar explained to her that that was the Municipaphone. "We have them in every room in THE MUNICIPAPHONE 77 every house in the City, on all the lamp- posts, hydrants, telegraph poles, in fact everywhere where there is a chance or room enough to hang one," the Hatter explained. "It's just like a telephone, isn't it?" said Alice. "Only it looks like a hat instead of a funnel." "Exactly," said the Hatter, "but we don't call it a telephone any more. The word telephone struck me as being a misnomer. You don't tell the 'phone anything when you talk into it. You tell the person at the other end of the line, and so, I changed its name to the Muni- cipaphone, which shows that it's a 'phone that belongs to the City. Just to sort of moralise the thing I had the mouth-piece changed to look like a hat instead of a funnel, because funnels are apt to suggest alcoholic beverages and sometimes people who aren't at all thirsty are made so by the mere power of suggestion. The hat, however, has always commended itself 78 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND to our greatest statesmen as a vehicle best suited for the transmission of ideas, and I therefore adopted it." " It is very pretty/' commented Alice. "Only I think a few ribbons would improve it a little." "Possibly," said the Hatter. "We haven't had time yet to look after the millinery aspect of the situation, but we'll take that up at our next Cabinet meeting. I thank you for the suggestion. But you see how the thing works. This little book here has a list of the names of everybody in town with their Municipa- phone numbers attached. The lowly as well as the highly, from the newsboy up to the Bridge Whist set, are all repre- sented here, so that all are connected in one way or another with each other. There is no man, woman, or child so poor and humble of birth, that he or she cannot get into immediate relations with the haughty and proud. Everybody is on speaking terms with everybody else, and THE MUNICIPAPHONE 79 we have thereby reached socially a con- dition wherein all men though not re- lated are nevertheless connected. You frequently hear a wash-lady remark that while she has not met Mrs. Van Varick Van Astorbilt or Mrs. Willieboy de Crud- oil personally, they are nevertheless connections of hers if not by blood or marriage at least by wire, which is stronger than either. Some day instead of having Societies of the Cincinnati, and Sons and Daughters of the Revolution I hope to see associations of Brothers and Sisters of the Municipaphone which shall become a factor of overwhelming solidar- ity in all social and political affairs." " It's a splendid scheme," said Alice. " It is a tie of material strength which binds together our first and last families, increasing the pride of the latter, and diminishing that of the former until we have at last reached an average of self- satisfaction which knows no barriers of class distinction, ' ' said the Hatter. " But 8o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND it wouldn't have worked if we hadn't formulated strict rules by which every household in town is governed. One of our rules is that the person called upon must answer immediately and truthfully any question which the person at the other end asks, and of course in perfectly polite language. For instance, suppose you try it yourself. Just ring up Number 831 15, Bloomingdale, and ask for Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe. She's the biggest swell in town. Ask her anything that comes into your head, and you'll see how it works. Tell her you are Mrs. O' Flaherty, the Head Wash-Lady of the Municipal Laundry. ' ' Alice took her place at the Municipa- phone and called 831 15 Bloomingdale, as instructed. "Hello!" she said. "Hush! Don't say that — say Ah there!" interrupted the Hatter. "Hello comes under the head of profanity, which is against the law." THE MUNICIPAPHONE 81 " Excuse me," said Alice. "Ah there ! ' : she added. ' ' Give me 8 3 1 1 5 Bloomingdale, please, Central/ ' "Name, please/ ' said Central. "Bridget O'Flaherty," replied Alice " Address ?" asked Central. "Tub 37, Municipal Laundry," said Alice. " Occupation? " continued the other. "Wringer," laughed Alice. "All right, there you are," said Central, making the desired connection. " Is this Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe?" asked Alice. "Yes," said a sweet voice from the other end of the line. " What is it ? " "I am Bridget O'Flaherty," said Alice, "of the Municipal Laundry, and I wanted to ask was your grand- father ever a monkey ?" It was not a very polite question, but under the excitement of the moment Alice could think of nothing better to ask. 82 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND " I don't believe so, Mrs. O'Flaherty," came the sweet voice in answer. "I have looked over every branch of our family tree and there isn't a cocoanut on it. Why, are you looking for a missing grandfather of your own?" "No," smiled Alice, "but I've read all the books in the public library and I thought he might have a tail to tell that I would find amusing." "Well, I'm very sorry," said the sweet voice. "Grandfather died forty years ago, so I don't believe he can help you. I would advise you to go up to the Monkeyhouse and ask one of your own brothers. Good-bye. ' ' " Good-bye," said Alice. " Well? " asked the Hatter with a grin. " What do you think of it? " " Why — it's perfectly wonderful," said Alice. " If that were to happen in New York or even in Brooklyn or Binghamton Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe would have been very indignant, not only over THE MUNICIPAPHONE 83 the question, but for the mere fact that the— er — wash-lady dared ring her up at all." "Exactly," said the Hatter, with a bland smile of satisfaction. " This Muni- cipaphone controlled by strict rules which people must obey is a great social leveller. ' ' " But why did Central want my name and address ?" asked Alice. " Because Central has to keep a record of all that everybody says for the Inspec- tor of Personal Communications,"- ex- plained the Hatter. "Every word you and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded at the Central Office, and if either of you had used any expression stronger than Fudge, or O Tutt you would have been fined five dollars for each expression and repetition thereof. We expect to estab- lish Civic Control of Public and Private Speech within the next year, and we have begun it with supervision of the Muni- cipaphone." "But, cried Alice, "If I had said 84 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND something that required a fine, wouldn't Mrs. O' Flaherty, who is innocent, have had to pay?" " Yes," said the Hatter. " But in all cases where the public welfare is con- c e r n e d , private in- terests must yield how- ever great the hard- ship. That is one of the fundamen- tal princi- p 1 e s of Municipal Ownership. Mrs. O'Flaherty would have to suffer in order that the great prin- ciple involved in Polite Speech for all Classes might prevail. The strict en- forcement of our anti-Gosh legislation has resulted almost in the complete elimination of profane speech in Blunder- 1 FINED FIVE DOLLARS" THE MUNICIPAPHONE 85 land — so much so in fact that in the new Dictionary we are compiling such words as Golramit, Dodgastit, and Goshallhemlocks are being left out alto- gether. " "It is a great moral agency,' ' said the White Knight. " It increases the self-respect of the submerged, curbs the pride of the rich, and holds in complete subjection those evil communications which corrupt good manners/ ' "And nothing but the result of Municipal Owner- ship," put in the March Hare enthusi- astically, for- getting his grouch for a moment. "It has other advan- tages, too," said the Hatter, tuwnicn 1 THE DICTI0NARY ^ ARE compjlujq .» 86 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND feel I should call your attention. These phones be- ing in every room in town with which anybody may be con- nected at any mo- ment and thus over- hear what " ALICE TRANSFIXED AT THE PHONE " OXtli^T pCO - ple are say- ing, gossip is gradually dying out, and people everywhere are more careful of what they say even in private, for now- adays the walls literally have ears. To give you an example, I will connect you at once with the home of the Duchess whom you met, if you remember, in your journey through Wonderland and you may judge for yourself of how useful THE MUNICIPAPHONE 87 this Municipaphone is to us in ascertain- ing the general trend of public opinion." The Hatter gave the order to Central and in a minute Alice stood transfixed at the phone listening intently. She recognised the voice of the Duchess immediately. m "As for that old fool of a Hatter/ ' she was saying, "he is the biggest jack- ass from Dan to Beersheba." " Well? " said the Hatter. " Can you hear her?" " Yes," giggled Alice. " Very plainly." "What does she say?" asked the Hatter, simpering. 88 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND "Why," said Alice reddening, "she — she's talking about you." "The dear Duchess," ejaculated the Hatter, with a foolish smirk. "I'm very much afraid — ahem — that the Duchess has her eye on me." " She has," said Alice. " She is refer- ring to you in the warmest tones — she thinks you're big — great — the very great- est from Dan to Beersheba." " Ah me! " sighed the Hatter. " If I were only a younger man! " "They'll make a match of it yet," said the White Knight in a soft whisper to Alice. "Yes," sneered the March Hare, who had overheard, jealously, " and a fine old sulphur-headed lucifer of a match it will be too." "Well, it's all very nice," said Alice, very anxious to change the subject. " But I can't say that I'm sure I'd like it. Why, you can't have any secrets from anybody." THE MUNICIPAPHONE 89 "And why should you wish to, my dear child ?" asked the Hatter, coming out of his dream of romance. "Why not so order your life that you have no need for secrecy ?" "Yes," said Alice. "I suppose that is better, but then, Mr. Hatter, isn't there to be any more private life? " "Not under Municipal Ownership," said the Hatter. "Carried to its logical conclusion that with all other so-called private rights will be merged in the glorious culmination of a complete well rounded Municipal Life. It is toward that Grand Civic Eventuation that I and my associates in this noble move- ment are constantly striving." "Are you going to have Municipal Control of Marriage? " asked Alice, slyly. The Hatter blushed and smiled fool- ishly. ' ' I — ah — am thinking about that, ' ' he said with a funny little laugh. " It would be a most excellent thing to do, for in my opinion a great many people nowadays go ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND get married too thoughtlessly. Just be- cause they happen to love each other they go off and get married, but under Municipal Control it would be much more difficult for a man or a woman to take so serious a step. For instance, if I had my way the Common Council would have to be asked for permission for a man to marry. The question would come up in the form of a bill, which would immediately be referred to the Committee on Matrimony, who would discuss it very thoroughly before bringing it before the Council. If a majority of the Committee considered that the application should be granted, then the matter should be placed before the whole Council, by which it should be debated in open public ses- sions, the applicant having been invited to appear and under cross-examination by the District Attorney demonstrate his fitness to be married. All others knowing any reason why he should not be married should also have the oppor- THE MUNICIPAPHONE 91 tunity to appear and state their reasons for opposing the granting of the appli- cation. I am inclined to believe that this would put a stop to these hasty marriages which have given rise to that beautiful proverb, Married in Camden, Repent at South Dakota." " I should think it would," said Alice. " And when do you propose to start this plan along?" 11 Well, you see," said the Hatter with a giggle, "before I take final steps in the matter I wish to have a few words with — er — well — you know who — I " "The Duchess, " Alice ventured. "Ah, you precocious child! " cried the Hatter, tapping Alice on the shoulder coyly. "You must not believe all you overhear the Duchess say about me. She is so prejudiced, and blind to my faults. I — I'm almost sorry I connected you with her over the Municipaphone." CHAPTER VI THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC VERSE I THINK," said the Hatter, "that be- fore we go any further we would better show Miss Alice our Municipal Poetry Factory. The whistle will blow very shortly and our Divine Afflatus Dynamo will shut down, so if she is to see that feature of our work now is the time to do it." "Yes," said the March Hare, " al- though the office is in some confusion owing to your recent Municipal Order Number 20,367 making Alabazam rhyme with Mulligatawney, and extending the number of lines in the municipal quat- rains from four to twenty-three. The employees are finding considerable diffi- culty in making twenty- three-line quat- rains and at least half the force have 92 PUBLIC VERSE 93 gone home suffering from acute attacks of brainstormitis. ,, "It'll do 'em good," laughed the Hatter. " A good brain storm may result in a few of them being struck. Come along, Miss Alice, and well show you our City Poets at work." "I don't think I understand," said Alice. "What is a city poet?" " He bears the same relation to Muni- cipal Poetry that a White Wing bears to the Street Cleaning Department," ex- plained the Hatter. "Two years ago the City took over all the Verse-making enterprises of Blunderland, appointed a Municipalaureat, otherwise a Commis- sioner of Public Verse, and started him along with a Department. He employs 16,743 poets who provide all the poetry that is consumed by our people. It has resulted in great good for everybody. Poetry is cheaper by eight cents a line than it used to be, and, as you may have guessed from what the March Hare has 94 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND just said, we give larger measure than was the custom under the private owner- ship of Pegasus. Quatrains have been increased from four lines to twenty- three, and the old stingy fourteen-line sonnet has been enlarged to fifty- four lines. We have also passed an ordinance requiring that poems shall say what they mean, which is a vast im- provement on the old private control meth- od whereunder any- body was allowed to write rhymes which nobody could under- stand — like that thing of Miss Arethusa Spink's, for instance, called Aspiration. Remember that?" "I don't think I ever heard it," said Alice. "Well it went this way," said the LARGER MEASURE THAN WAS THE CUSTOM" PUBLIC VERSE 95 Hatter, and striking a graceful attitude he recited the following lines called: ASPIRATION By Arethusa Spink Down by the purple opalescent sea, Flung like a ribbon limp athwart the sky, A rose lay blooming on the restless lea, While sundry birds came chattering sweetly by. Twas then my soul that all too long had slept, Awoke from out its iridescent nap, [crept Down where the pink-cheeked crocus blossoms From out fair Nature's over-bounteous lap, And cried aloud ''Alas! What hath betode? What dream is this that like the ambient brook Forbids the mind to face the solemn goad And know itself forsook! The Hatter paused. "Well?" said Alice, slightly puzzled. "That's all there was to it," said the Hatter. " It was printed in one of our Magazines and within forty-eight hours the ambulance from the Insane Asylum 96 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND was called out 737 times by people who had gone crazy trying to find out what it meant. It capped the climax. I called a special meeting of the Common Council to take the matter up purely as a matter of public health, and before I went to bed that night they had passed and I had signed an Act giving the con- trol of the Verse Industry to the City and taking it out of the hands of irre- sponsible, unlicensed independent poets." "And a good job it was too," said the March Hare. "And you chose one of the best poets in town for the Commissioner, I suppose?" suggested Alice. " No we didn't," said the Hatter. " I didn't want any Moonshine in a City Department and no poet is a good busi- ness man. I picked out a very suc- cessful Haberdasher in the Sixth Ward for the delicate business of organising the Department, and he has done most excel- lent work. We found that just as a first PUBLIC VERSE 97 class confectioner made a splendid mana- ger of our Gas plant, and a successful Hoki-Poki merchant had the required push to keep our trolley systems going, so the Haberdasher had the precise kind of genius to manage the poets. He won't stand any nonsense from them, and any poem that he can't understand is imme- diately thrown into the Civic Waste- Basket, taken to the Municipal Ferry and used for fuel to run the boats. I guess we burn nineteen tons of refuse verse a day, don't we, Alderman ?" " About that — on the average, "said the March Hare. " Sometimes it gets as high as twenty tons and occasionally it falls off to sixteen — but using these rejected manuscripts in place of coal has reduced the loss on the Ferry about thirty-eight dollars a year in real money.' ' " How much is that in bonds? " asked Alice slyly. "O — let's see," said the Hatter, his face getting very red, "well — I should 98 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND say on a basis of 43-3-% to one, thirty- eight dollars would come to about $97,347.83 in third debenture ten per cent, certificates, exclusive of the cost of printing, advertising, and the number we give away as sample copies." " Quite a saving," said Alice. "Yes," said the Hatter. "We save all we can. Economy in real money is our watchword. We never spend a cent where a bond will serve the purpose." By this time Alice and her hosts had reached the building occupied by the Department of Public Verse, and upon entering its spacious doorway the party were greeted by the Commissioner, the Haberdasher, to whom Alice was prompt- ly introduced. He reminded her very forcibly of her old acquaintance Bill the Lizard, but she was not sure enough on this point to recall their previous meeting when she had so tactlessly kicked him up through the chimney flue of the Wonderland Cottage. PUBLIC VERSE 99 "Well, Mr. Commissioner," said the Hatter, "how are you getting along?" "Pretty well, Mr. Mayor," replied the Commissioner. "We've just finished the Of PflftTMSWir in- PUSUC " GREETED BY THE COMMISSIONER, THE HABERDASHER" six line couplet for the new Chewing Gum Bonds." "Good," said the Hatter. "How does it go?" ioo ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND " Rather neatly I think," said the Commissioner, and he read the following : We promise to pay This bond some day If of the stuff We've got enough. And if we haven't, pray don't despond, For well pay it off with another bond. "Fine," said the Hatter. "You strike a very lofty note in that. And how do the new Limericks work?" " We've finished number 3907 of series XZV," said the Commissioner. "I'll send for Wiggins who wrote it and let him read it to you himself/ ' A pressure of an electric button brought the smil- ing Wiggins into the office. "Wiggins, the •it runs this way, your honour" Mayor would like PUBLIC VERSE 101 to hear that new Limerick of yours/ ' said the Commissioner. "Thanky sir/' said Wiggins. "It runs this way, your honour. There was an old lady named Jane Who sat on a fence at Schoharie. A rooster came by And crew like the deuce But T ane never scared for a cent. " That's great," said the Hatter. " Don't you think so, Miss Alice? " "Why yes," said Alice, " but— does it rhyme ?" " Perfectly," replied the Hatter, " that is, under our system. When we organ- ised this Department to facilitate busi- ness and avoid the waste of time looking for rhymes we legalised such rhymes as Schoharie and cent and by and deuce. By that act we found that where one man could only turn out 800 Limericks a day under the old system, any ablebodied- poet can write 3,000 in the same number io2 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND of hours. That's very good, Wiggins/' he added turning to the workman. "I shall recommend the Commissioner to promote you to an Inspectorship in the Sonnet works." "Thanky sir," said the Poet, as he blushingly bowed himself out. "Here," said the Commissioner, opening a door leading into a long, darkened chamber, " here, young lady, is our Thinking Department." Alice passed into the darkness and dimly made out a half a hundred long- haired individuals sitting in comfortable Morris chairs, their forefingers pressed hard against their brows and their eyes gazing fixedly out into space. " These men and women think the thoughts which our municipal poetry is designed to express," the Commissioner " OUR THINKING DEPARTMENT PUBLIC VERSE 103 continued. "A thought once seized by any one of them is written down upon a pad, and then taken into this next room where it is classified and assigned to the line cutters who turn out the first draft in the rough. Then when this is done it is sent to the rhyming room where the lines are made to end in rhymes, and finally it goes to the Polishing room where the poem is made ready for publication/ ' "It's a wonderful system," said the Hatter. " It not only improves the quality of our poetry, but in campaign times it is a great help, since we control absolutely all the campaign poetry. When I run for mayor next fall to succeed myself there won't be a single poem written on the other side." "That ought to be a great help," said Alice. "Yes," said the Hatter. "It will be. Every employee in this Department will not only vote for me but will work for me as well. Same way in the gas plant io 4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND and the trolley — in fact in all the City Departments. It is only another evi- dence of the very great value of Municipal Ownership. It is uncertainty in political times that upsets business, but with the Municipality in control of all these De- partments from Gas to Poetry there is no uncertainty about who will win, so that business is not unsettled by it." " Wonderful/ ' said Alice. " By the way, Mr. Commissioner, you'd better start the Rhyming Bureau on the search for rhymes to Hatter at once," said the Mayor. " We don't want to be caught unprepared at the last minute/ ' "The list is being compiled now," replied the Commissioner. " We already have, Matter, Batter, Tatter, Smatter Patter, Ratter, Spatter and Scatter." " Fine! " chortled the Hatter. "Don't forget Chatter," put in Alice. "Thank you — I'll make a note of it," said the Commissioner. PUBLIC VERSE 105 "And Snatter," growled the March Hare gloomily, who evidently felt that somebody ought to be looking for rhymes to March Hare as w r ell. "What does snatter mean?" de- manded the Hatter frowning. "It's a corrupt form for snatcher," retorted the March Hare. "One who snatches everything he can lay his hands on, without regard to whether it's his by divine right or not. I guess they can use it in poems calling attention to your Civic Virtues." " Except by unanimous vote of the Common Council over my veto Snatter stays out of the Municipal Vocabulary," returned the Hatter coldly. "Your own confession that it is corrupt is enough to condemn it with me." "I wouldn't use batter either, Mr. Mayor," said the Commissioner. "Bat- ter is dough and we haven't got any worth mentioning." "It is also to whack, slam, bang, io6 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND bust, smack," retorted the Hatter, "so your recommendation is not accepted. Seems to me I can almost hear the cam- paign clubs singing as they march : O the noble, noble Hatter, Ain't he grand! How his enemies do scatter Thro the land! How his foemen he doth batter With their idle gloomy chatter On this Muni — cipal Matter Beats the band! " O Gee! " ejaculated the March Hare. "Do you call that poetry ?" "Sir, I call it truth," returned the Hatter, " and poetry is truth just as art is truth, and if you don't believe it all you've got to do is to try and run against me next fall on that issue. I'll beat you to a stand- still." "Of course you will," sighed the March Hare. "But you wouldn't but for that last ordinance you jammed through while I was off on my vacation." PUBLIC VERSE 107 "What was that?" demanded the Hatter. "Giving the Election Commission ab- solute control over the votes, and then appointing yourself Election Commis- sioner ex-officio," said the March Hare. " I don't believe that Municipal Control of the ballot is constitutional. " "Well, it will be constitutional," said the Hatter drily. " When? " demanded the March Hare. "When we secure Municipal Control of the Constitution," said the Hatter. "I'll make it Constitutional if I have to rewrite the whole blessed Constitution myself." Whereupon the Hatter walked ma- jestically forth into the street once more, and Alice and the March Hare together with the White Knight followed meekly in his train. CHAPTER VII OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN WHAT time is it?" asked the Hat- ter, suddenly turning to the White Knight. "Six o'clock," replied the White Knight, looking at his watch. " Mercy !" cried Alice. "I had no idea it was so late! I shall have to run along home — it's supper time." The Hatter laughed. "O, as for that," he said, "there's no hurry. Under our present system of Municipal Ownership of Everything, I can issue, as Mayor, a general order postponing the Municipal Supper Hour to seven or eight o'clock. Still — if you'd prefer to go home " "I don't want to," said Alice cour- teously, "but I think I'd better. My 1 08 OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 109 mother would be worried not finding me in the nursery. You see, I left home without telling anybody where I was going." Again the Hatter laughed. "What foolishness! " he ejaculated. " That's the great trouble with the private ownership of children. It worries their poor mothers, keeps 'em from their daily Bridge parties, interferes with that free- dom of action which is guaranteed to the individual by the contravention of the United States " "Constitution, I guess you mean," suggested Alice. "It used to be the Constitution," re- turned the Hatter, " but now it's the Contravention. It has been contravened so often in the past few years that our Reformed Language Commission at Wash- ington has named it accordingly." "It simply bears out what you said in your message approving the Public Ownership of Children Act passed by no ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND the Common Council last November, which I wrote for you, and conse- quently consider a very able document/ ' said the White Knight. " The Public Ownership of Children? " cried Alice, with a look of alarm on her face. "Yes," said the Hatter. "Just as the Nation has gone in for paternalism, we here in Blunderland have gone in for maternalism. The children here belong to the city " "But— " Alice began. " Now, don't bother," said the Hatter kindly. " It works very well. It has reduced children to a state of scientific control which is as careful and as effective as that of the street cleaning department or the public parks, and it has emanci- pated the mothers as well as materially decreased the financial obligations of the fathers." Alice's lip quivered slightly, and she began to feel a little bit afraid of the Hatter. OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN in " I want to go home/' she whimpered. " Certainly — as you wish," said the Hatter. " We'll take you there at once. Come along." Reassured by the Hatter's kindly manner Alice took her companion's out- stretched hand and they walked along the highway together until they came to a handsome apartment house fronting upon a beautiful park, where the Hatter pressed an electric button at one side of the massive entrance. The response to the bell was immediate, and Alice was pleased to find that the person to answer was none other than the Duchess herself. " Why, how-di-doo," said the Duchess affably. " Glad to see you again, Miss Alice." "Thank you," said Alice. "It is very nice to be here. Do you live in this beautiful building?" " Yes," said the Duchess. "You see, I've just been appointed Commissioner ii2 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND of Maternity. I'm what you might call the official mother of the town. Since that great Statesman, the Hatter " — here the Duchess winked graciously at the March Hare — " devised his crowning achievement in the Municipal Control of the Children and appointed me to be the Head of the Department, I have been stationed here." "And a mighty good old mother she is!' 5 ejaculated the Hatter with fervour. " Palaverer! " said the Duchess coyly. "Not at all," said the Hatter. "I speak not as a man, but as a Mayor, and what I say is to be construed as an official tribute to a faithful and deserving public servant." "Servant, sir?" repeated the Duchess haughtily. "In the American sense," said the Hatter with a low bow. " In the sense that the servant is as good as, if not better than the employer, Madam." OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 113 "That man's a perfect Dipsomaniac," said the March Hare. ' ' Diplomat, man — diplomat, ' ' cor- rected the White Knight. "A dipso- maniac is a very different thing from a Diplomat. Consuls may be dipsomaniacs, but a Diplomat is a man worthy of Am- bassadorial honours." "Oh — I see," said the March Hare. "Well — he's a Diplomat all right, all right." : ' How are things going to-day, Duchess ? ' ' asked the Hatter. ' ' Children happy ?" 'They will be in time," said the Duchess. " So many of them have been brought up so far on the Ladies' Home Journal system that it is hard to intro- duce the new Blunderland method with- out friction." "I was afraid of that," said the Hatter. " How does the compulsory soda-water regulation work?" "Splendidly," said the Duchess. ii 4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND "Since I started in in January to make the children drink five glasses of Vanilla Cream soda every day as a matter of routine and duty, sixty per cent, of them have come to hate it. I think that by the end of the year we shall have stamped out the love of soda almost entirely. The same way with caramels and other can- dies in place of beef. We have caramels for breakfast, gum-drops for dinner and marshmallows for tea, regularly, and last night seventeen of the children presented a petition asking for beef- steak, mutton chops and boiled rice. I have a firm conviction that when the new law, requiring beef to be sold at candy stores, and compelling those in charge of the young to teach them that boiled rice and hominy are bad for the teeth, goes into effect, we shall find the children clamouring for wholesome food as eagerly as they do now for things that ruin their little tummies." "It's a splendid system — and how OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 115 are you meeting the matinee problem ?" asked the March Hare. ! 'Same way," said the Duchess. " Every Wednesday and Saturday after- noon we make 'em go to a matinee, rain or shine, whether they want to or not, and really it's pathetic to see how some of the little dears pine for a half-holiday with a hoople, and since I forbade the youngsters to even look at the back of a geography, or a spelling book, it is most amusing to see how they sneak into the library and devour the contents of those two books when they think nobody's looking. I caught one of the boys reading an Arithmetic in bed last night, wholly neglecting his Jack Hark- away books that I had commanded him to read, and leaving his 'Bim, the Broncho Buster of Buffalo/ absolutely uncut." " Fine! " chuckled the Hatter. " And now, my dear Duchess, will you oblige me by taking charge of Miss Alice? She n6 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND has expressed a desire to go home and so I have brought her here." 11 Certainly," said the Duchess. " I'll look after her." " You'll excuse us, Alice," said the "when they think nobody's looking" Hatter, politely. "We'd escort you fur- ther ourselves, but a question has come before the Municipal Ownership Caucus that we must settle before the meeting of the Common Council to-night. Cer- tain of our members claim that they OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 117 have a right to sell their votes for $500 apiece " "Mercy!" cried Alice. "Why, that is — that is terrible." " It certainly is," said the March Hare ruefully. "It's more than terrible, it's rotten. Here I've been holding out for $1,250 for mine, and these duffers want to go in for a cut rate that will absolutely ruin the business." "It's a very important matter," said the Hatter. "After all our striving to elevate the people we don't want them to make themselves too cheap. For my part I don't think they should let go of a vote on any question for less than $2,500." "That's all right, Mr. Mayor," said the White Knight. "But you don't want to frighten capital,' you know." "Well, you and I disagree on that point," said the Mayor. "Capital isn't at all necessary to the success of our schemes. My watchword is Bonds, and as long as I have a printing press to print n8 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 'em, and a fountain pen to sign 'em I'm not going to be influenced one way or another by a feeling of subserviency to the capitalist class. Good night, Miss Alice. Glad to have met you and I hope you will have a pleasant time with the Duchess. Here," he added, taking a beautifully printed green and gold paper from his pocket, "here is a Blanket Mortgage 18% Deferred Debenture Bond on the Main Street Ferry of a par value of $100,000 payable in 3457, as a souvenir of your visit." "A hundred thousand dollars," cried Alice. "For me?" "No," corrected the Hatter. "A hundred thousand dollar bond. You don't get the money until 3457, and not then unless you present it in person to the City Treasurer." With which munificent gift the Hatter respectfully bowed himself away and made off, followed by the March Hare. "Good-bye, Alice," said the White OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 119 Knight sympathetically; and then thrusting a paper in her hand, he leaned forward and whispered into the little girl's ear, "If you get into trouble, use this." "Thank you," said Alice. "What is it?" "It's a temporary injunction issued by the Chief Justice restrain- ing anybody from interfering with you," said the White Knight. " You may need it." And the kindly old knight ran mad- IF YOU GET INTO TROUBLE, USE THIS ly off up the street after the Mayor and the March Hare, and shortly after disappeared around the corner. "Now, my little dear," said the Duchess, " we'll take you home." i2o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND Seizing Alice by the hand the Duchess led the little traveller into the Municipal Nursery. Entering the elevator, they went up and up and up and up until Alice thought they would never stop. Finally on the 117th floor the elevator stopped. Alice and the Duchess alighted and entered a funny little flat, singularly enough labelled with Alice's own name. " This is it," said the Duchess. " There is your bedroom, here is your parlour, and that is the bath-room. The apart- ment has running soda-water, hot and cold; you will find a refrigerator stocked with peanut brittle, molasses candy, and sugared fruits in the pantry. Your read- ing will consist of Lucy the Lace Vendor, or How the Laundress Became a Lady ; the works of Marie Corelli ; Factory Fanny, the Forger's Daughter, and any other un- wholesome book you may want from the House of Correction Library. Play- time will begin at seven every morning and you will be compelled to dress and OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 121 undress dolls until one, when your caramel will be given to you, after which you will skip the rope and read fairy stories until six. You must drink five glasses of soda-water every day and will not be allowed to go to bed before eleven o'clock at night. Hurry now, and get your hair mussed and your hands dirty for dinner. The first course of whipped cream and roasted chestnuts will be served promptly at six-thirty." "But," cried Alice, "I don't want to stay here — I want to go home." "You are home," said the Duchess. "This is the Municipal Home of the Children of Blunderland." "But I want my father and mother," whimpered Alice. "The City is your father, my child, and I am officially your mother," said the Duchess. "You are not!" cried Alice. "You are trying to kidnap me! — I'll — I'll call the police." i22 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND " The police can't arrest a city, my dear child, and as for me, as the Com- missioner of Maternity I am immune from arrest," laughed the Duchess. "Well, I just won't stay, that's all," cried Alice, stamping her foot angrily. "I don't want a city for a father, and I shan't »su~ , » have an "seizing her by the arm" r r . . n ofiicial mother in place of a real one." The child ran toward the door, but the Duchess was too quick for her, seizing her by the arm. Let me go!" shrieked Alice. Never," snapped the Duchess. n a OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 123 And then the little girl thought of the piece of paper the White Knight had given her. " I guess that will make you change your mind/' she said, handing the in- junction to her captor. The Duchess read it carefully; her face paled, and she too stamped her foot. "I'll see about this," she roared angrily, and in a moment she had gone, slamming the door so hard behind her that the building fairly shook. A mo- ment later Alice followed, and in a short time was bounding down the stairway as fast as her little legs would carry her toward freedom, when all of a sudden she tripped and began to fall — down, down, down — O, would she never stop! And then, bump! Her fall was over, and strange to relate the little maid found herself sitting on the floor back in her own nursery in her own real home, with her mother bending over her. i2 4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND "Dear me, Alice," said her mother. " I hope you haven't hurt yourself." "No," said Alice. "Why— have I —I really fallen?" "You most certainly have — off the sofa," laughed her mother. "Where '^ WHY — HAVE I — I REALLY FALLEN ? have you been?' 3 she added. "In Wonderland again ?" "No," said Alice. "In Blunderland — this time." Which struck her father, when he heard the story of her adventures later, as a very apt and descriptive title for the M. O. 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