I 
 
 I 
 
^ CI. A. '5023^8 
 
*»..1 
 
 
 IN looking over this col- 
 lection of anecdotes 
 concerning the sayings 
 and doings of the 
 Mirthful Knights, the 
 author wishes to explain that they 
 are funny. This is because a 
 Knight is, or was, a funny thing 
 anyway. You may not be able to 
 realize how funny the anecdotes 
 are until you think how funny a 
 Knight is — or was, and when you 
 do, you'll think how funny it is you 
 did*nt think it was funny before. 
 
 This little work is designed to 
 display to those familiar with King 
 Arthur and the bunch of scrappers 
 that surrounded him the awful 
 diflSiculties and the unrecorded 
 ventures and quests of a number 
 of these gentlemen whose names 
 heretofore have been suppressed 
 by political influence and knightly 
 jealousies and such-like things, 
 that justice may be done them and 
 that history may be made complete. 
 
 Author. 
 

IR OOFTY GOOF, of 
 
 whom you Ve heard — 
 
 that famed and noble 
 
 knight — 
 
 Went forth one day some mutt to 
 
 slay, to keep his hand in right, 
 
 And as his charger trod the *pil^e 
 
 that from his castle led, 
 Behold, upon a stump there sat a 
 maid with drooping head. 
 
 Fair maid," *quoth he, "thy wrongs 
 
 are mine; why sittest thou with 
 
 weeps? 
 Tell me, prithee, who caused those 
 
 tears; I'll fix his clock for keeps." 
 "Alas Sir," sighed the maiden fair, 
 
 "no man hath caused me hurt; 
 i sat me down and can't get up in 
 
 this new hobble skirt." 
 
 "Canst walk?" the knight asked, as 
 
 with speed from off his steed 
 
 he dumb. 
 "Alas, I fear me, not," said she, 
 
 "because my . . . toes are 
 
 numb." 
 
"^^PT" 
 
 ( 
 
 Wherefore the knight clanked to 
 
 her side, and hauled her by 
 
 the hand; 
 But all in vain, the fact was plain 
 
 the lady could not stand. 
 But fell about and skinned her 
 
 nose; then sat with sudden 
 
 thump 
 That caused the faithful steed to 
 
 snort, and in his terror jump. 
 
 Sir Oofty Goof he scratched his 
 
 ear; "Odzooks, a way I see," 
 Quoth he, "I'll drag you to yon grove, 
 
 and prop you gainst a tree. 
 I go, fair maid, but I return; HI 
 
 bring the ambulance; 
 Fear not, fair one, I'll rush it here — 
 
 or fetch a pair of pants. 
 And on the road his charger's 
 
 hoofs made thuds of fearful 
 
 speed. 
 As spurred the knight in eager 
 
 haste to do a knightly deed 
 
ACK in the Gauntstark 
 hills there stood a cas- 
 tle old and gray, 
 Built like a battercake 
 because they liked 'em 
 built that way, 
 And in it dwelt old Hangerfrost, 
 
 a Baron shy on looks 
 But just the sort oi feudal lord you 
 read about in books 
 
 A score or more of able knights 
 
 chock full of life and fignt 
 Lived on old Baron Hangerfrost^ 
 
 and nearly every night 
 You'd hear them talk of pots and 
 
 straights amid the nighttime's 
 
 hush, 
 And sometimes speak of houses 
 
 full, or maybe, of a flush. 
 
 The supposition was, of course, 
 
 that if some neighbor rose 
 And wilfully, maliciously trod on 
 
 the Baron's toes. 
 These knights would slam their 
 
 armor on, rejoiced to do or 
 
 dare 
 And lug the fool disturbers out and 
 
 bury *em somewhere. 
 
 But all the time they ate and drank 
 all that their skins could hold, 
 
 And every week old Hangerfrost 
 must pay 'em off in gold. 
 
r^^ 
 
 I 
 
 And so the old maxi tired of it; the 
 
 game was not a joke; 
 Their salaries and table board 
 
 were keeping him flat broke. 
 
 He called his knights and to them 
 
 spake. "Sir Rattlebones, with 
 
 speed" 
 Quoth he, "go chase thyself, it 
 
 were a good and knightly 
 
 deed." 
 "And you, Sir Wishywash 5 pray. 
 
 thy weekly stipend earn 
 By hieing to the dairy barn to help 
 
 *em with the churn. 
 To thee, Sir Mortimer de Guff in 
 
 confidence I look 
 To earn thy salt and cigarettes by 
 
 helping out the cook." 
 
 All down the line he made his 
 
 way, and when he reached 
 
 the last 
 A long parade of clanking forms 
 
 across the drawbridge passed 
 With angry fists and muttered 
 
 oaths and faces sternly white 
 To jangle out into the world and 
 
 vanish from his sight. 
 
 And on the pancake battlement in 
 
 his contentment deep 
 The Baron gazed into the night 
 
 where shadows 'gan to creep. 
 **They swiped the spoons, I guess" 
 
 he said, "but gee, I got off 
 
 cheap." 
 
 1^ 
 
 .#1 
 
 y^. 
 
f 
 
 I HE knights, with features 
 set and stern, rose in 
 the banquet hall; 
 Against gold-threaded tapestries 
 their shields hung on the wall; 
 A task for them their lord had set 
 that might have daunted 
 some — 
 The Lady Geraldine, some way, 
 had lost her chewing gum. 
 
 Across the board their swords 
 struck fire, and each with 
 noble air 
 
 Declared he'd find that gum or 
 bust, and swore a mighty 
 swear 
 
 He'd neither bathe nor brush his 
 teeth nor turn his cuffs around 
 
 Until the quest had brought suc- 
 cess — the ladys gum be 
 found. 
 
 Then trusty sqires with Polishine 
 their masters* pants made 
 bright; 
 
 Their plumes becurled with curling 
 
'^^ 
 
 J^ 
 
 ^'7' 
 
 rc 
 
 tongs were pleasing to the 
 
 sight. 
 And to the north and east and west 
 
 and south in armor dressed 
 Some twenty knights with twenty 
 
 squires rode on the noble 
 
 quest. 
 
 But one was left; Sir Muckamuck; 
 
 he did not leave his seat» 
 But as they swore terrific swears 
 
 continued, calm, to eat. 
 And on him turned his feudal lord, 
 
 his lady by his side — 
 "Sirrah!" quoth he, "why sit you 
 
 there while others questing 
 
 ride 
 To find your lady's chewing gum? 
 
 A caitiff knight, I trow!" 
 "Why fore," the knight asked 
 
 "should I seek? Fm sittin' on 
 
 it now." 
 
 i - — 
 
IIR ANSELAM DE 
 TURNVEREIN of 
 Good King Arthur's 
 court, 
 Sat up in bed and called 
 his squire. "Get thou a move 
 on, Sport," 
 Quoth he; "A day hath just began 
 — a day that we must spend 
 Ere we can sleep again and know 
 that it hath reached its end." 
 
 "True, Sire," the faithful squire re- 
 plied, and shook a shirt of 
 mail; 
 
 "A day of deeds, and knightly dope 
 knows no sich word as fail.*' 
 
 Behold out in the courtyard dim 
 
 the goodly charger stands; 
 Upon his back with clashing leap 
 
 the good knight swiftly lands; 
 And out upon the high-road gray 
 
 he rides serene and strong. 
 Prepared to meet adventure or 
 
 whatever comes along. 
 
 An aged dame sat on a stump — 
 
 a crone, devoid of grace 
 Perceiving which the good knight 
 
 growled and groaned and 
 
 made a face. 
 But just behind him rode his squire, 
 
 a young apprentice knight, 
 And it was up to him to see the 
 
 job was handled right. 
 
^ 
 
 r 
 
 C 
 
 "What ails thee?" asked Sir Turn- 
 
 verein; "Why sittest thou 
 
 apart? 
 What worries, Ma, be on thy chest, 
 
 and fill thy withered heart?" 
 "Alas," quoth she, "grim trouble 
 
 youth and feeble age connects, 
 Some evils come and soaked me, 
 
 for I have gone and lost my 
 
 specs." 
 
 "Where lost thou them?" the knight 
 
 inquired, "oh, dame of somber 
 
 face; 
 I don't care when you lost *em, but 
 
 I'll have to know the place.*' 
 And then he thought a happy think, 
 
 a thought of glad surprise — 
 "Accept my knightly help," he cried; 
 
 "you go and advertise." 
 And springing on his gallant steed, 
 
 the knight turned to his squire 
 And asked: "Now what you think 
 
 of that?" Quoth he, "You Ve 
 
 fixed it. Sire: 
 She'll advertise, and though she'll 
 
 have the paper's charge to pay, 
 'Twill keep her busy, and she don't 
 
 need glasses, any way. 
 
 "King Arthur couldn't kick on that, 
 the knight said merrily; 
 
 "He said to be a helpful knight— 
 a helpful knight; that's me. 
 
ITHIN his castle sat a 
 knight and gnawed his 
 fingernails; 
 His eyes were small, his 
 nose was large, his ears stood 
 out like sails. 
 "Oddzooks!" quoth he, "sure as 
 my name is Algernon de Beak, 
 ril sit right here where all is calm, 
 nor go out for a week. 
 
 In all my life I never saw the like 
 
 of the distress; 
 They stop me on the street for help, 
 
 expecting I'll say yes, 
 And blame it all, I've struck some 
 
 jobs from which a knight 
 
 should run. 
 But like a chump I butt right in and 
 
 tackle every one. 
 
 I met a woman yesterday— it may 
 
 be I was tricked — - 
 She wanted more than anything to 
 
 have her husband licked; 
 And day before, another came and 
 
 hard luck stories told, 
 
Desiring me to hold her kid and 
 lend a Httle gold. 
 
 What do they think Tm made of, 
 
 huh? Why, one hit me today 
 To come out to her house and drive 
 
 a drunken cook away. 
 Fd like to help *em all, of course; 
 
 I'm chivalrous all right, 
 But seems to me I'd rather be a 
 
 farmer than a knight. 
 A farmer's work is never done, if 
 
 that old saw be true. 
 But what do people know about the 
 
 work a knight must do?" 
 
LD BUMBLERIGG, 
 
 the Armorer, was 
 working in his shop; 
 The ancient oak trees 
 shivered when he let his ham- 
 mer drop; 
 The sparks were yeilow, flashing 
 streaks that glimmered as they 
 
 lit. 
 
 For Bumblerigg the Armorer was 
 earnest when he hit. 
 
 Then came a young and callow 
 
 Knight, and called him to the 
 
 door, 
 And many a full, round knightly 
 
 oath in savage tones he swore. 
 "These pants of mail," he said, 
 
 "don't fit; Great Arthur, how 
 
 they pinch! 
 You made these pants, doggone it, 
 
 now you let 'em out an inch." 
 
 The armorer he heaved a sigh; 
 
 such doings made him sore, 
 "Go take em off at once," he 
 
 growled, "and get behind the 
 
 door. 
 No man shall say my work is poor; 
 
 ril fix 'em right away. 
 And there will be no further charge 
 
 — no second bill to pay." 
 
r>. 
 
 ^^^'* 
 
 ^s'-^j*.*. 
 
 Then in the fire he threw those 
 pants, and heated them bright 
 red; 
 
 He whirled his mighty hammer 
 far above his sooty head, 
 
 And from behind the door the 
 knight yelled at his awful state, 
 
 For seven seconds later they were 
 flatter than a plate. 
 
 "Go take your pants," the old man 
 said; "I guess they'll fit you now; 
 
 YouVe built much like a paper 
 knife; I should have known, I 
 vow. 
 
 And with a sigh of utter joy he let 
 his hammer drop, 
 
 Threw off his apron, washed his 
 hands, and straightway left his 
 shop. 
 
 "Why rides that knight so fast?" 
 asked some, awakened in the 
 town. 
 
 When night had shut the daylight 
 out and pulled her curtain 
 down. 
 
 "No telling," some one said; "they 
 ride like people had no rights; 
 
 They ought to lock *em up in 
 jail — they make me tired, those 
 knights." 
 
 '7a 
 
 h- 
 
 'l: 
 
 ifHi 
 
» 
 
 .^ 
 
 IR MONTMORENCY 
 
 DUB BALONG one 
 
 day chanced to espy 
 
 A maiden with a basket 
 
 and some bundles, passing by, 
 
 And with his knightly soul aflame 
 
 and blessings on his luck 
 He stopped her and inquired if he 
 might help her with the truck. 
 
 **rm going shopping," said the maid; 
 
 "I fear me much, Sir Knight, 
 I'll have me packages galore, some 
 
 of them scarcely light." 
 But bravely did the knight protest 
 
 that he must go along. 
 Because his soul was wiHing and 
 
 his knightly arm was strong. 
 
 And when night fell upon the town 
 
 and shadows dimmed the 
 
 street. 
 Behind the lady dragged the knight 
 
 with slow discouraged feet. 
 And in his arms were many things 
 
 — a ham, three loaves of 
 
 bread. 
 
 Ej 
 
A baby chair, two curtain poles, a 
 
 little folding bed, 
 A hat box and a sack of ilour, a 
 
 can of kerosene, 
 A clothes line and some poultry 
 
 wire, an Oriental screen — 
 
 And when the lady disappeared he 
 
 stood without her door, 
 His hand upraised, and as he stood 
 
 a solemn oath he swore — 
 No matter be she white or black, 
 
 or plain or passing fair. 
 If she have brown or red or green 
 
 or white or purple hair, 
 He*d never lug a woman's things, 
 
 but let her go her way. 
 No matter what the bunch might 
 
 think, or knightly rules might 
 
 say 
 For never did a knightly oath 
 
 sworn on the bended knees 
 Embrace, or even contemplate such 
 
 awful jobs as these 
 
ll»*"_--^---i^='— 
 
 — ^ f-1 ,1 **""- ^^:-^-^"* 
 
 
 ifS^^ 
 
 HE NIGHT was dark 
 and growing old, when 
 in her chamber dim 
 The fair Matildalina, she 
 by custom termed The Slim, 
 Spake to the Lady Antifat, who 
 
 shared her tower room 
 Also her rats and chewing gum; 
 her hairpins and perfume. 
 
 "Oh dear," she sighed; "oh woe Is 
 
 is me. Fm sick as anything. 
 For I could only eat today a single 
 
 pigeon wing. 
 Because the knights stared at me 
 
 so it curbed my appetite — 
 Why CANT they let us eat 
 
 enough in presence of a 
 
 knight?" 
 
 Go easy, dear," her roommate said, 
 
 "Fli sneak down in the hall; 
 It may be they have left some beer 
 
 and pretzels, after all." 
 "And fetch a ham," the lady said, 
 
 "and get a loaf or so; 
 I'd go with you, but oh my love, 
 
 Fm far to weak to go." 
 
•"You'll find a meat-pie somewhere 
 hid upon the pantry shelf; 
 
 I knov/ it's there, because I went 
 and hid that pie myself; 
 
 And if you see some fat or brawn 
 or pastry hid away 
 
 Fetch it along — oh hurry, dear- 
 it's fatal to delay." 
 
 Then crept the faithful roommate 
 
 down, and lit a lightwood knot 
 And lugged up to the tower room 
 
 the goodly spoils she got— 
 Two hams, a game and mutton pie, 
 
 a massive leg of veal; 
 Nine loaves of bread, a bacon flitch 
 
 left over from the meal, 
 Six apple dumplings, large and fat, 
 
 and half a peck of greens. 
 A roasted haunch of venison, a 
 
 bucketful of beans. 
 
 And as they finished off the lunch 
 
 the lady sighed full sore — 
 Dear heart, go down and see if you 
 
 can find a litde more 
 We'll have to eat, because you 
 
 know it is not meet or right 
 A lady should show appetite in 
 
 presence of a knight. 
 
 
milR AMBROSE RUE DE 
 BAG A, he whose 
 height was six feet three. 
 Was built upon the Hnes no knight 
 
 had any right to be. 
 Below the waist his limbs were 
 warped — in semicircles 
 sprung, 
 Perhaps from riding horseback 
 when he was a squire, and 
 young. 
 
 It chanced one day Sir Ambrose 
 
 sat upon a grassy mound 
 And idly picked to nothingness a 
 
 daisy that he found, 
 When came a maiden down the 
 
 road, and as she neared the 
 
 knight 
 He rose, because to sit before a 
 
 maid was not polite. 
 
 The maiden shrieked in mad af- 
 fright and did a song and 
 dance; 
 
 She saw what seemed to her a pair 
 of huge ice-tongs advance, 
 
 And so astonished was the knight 
 
"!'. 
 
 ^^*jk } t^ 
 
 % 
 
 ^ 
 
 .*»BOflt 
 
 his outspread knees did meet* 
 And like a miracle of old, increased 
 his height three feet. 
 
 Whereat the maiden swooned away, 
 
 and to her sorry plight 
 Sir Ambrose left her, for he was 
 
 a badly rattled knight. 
 "Odspoons!" quoth he, "What ailed 
 
 the chit? But I will let her be; 
 Forsooth she was quite overcome 
 
 by such a knight as me, 
 My grandeur made her faint away; 
 
 I must have touched her heart. 
 And as I have a girl or so, I guess 
 
 I*d best depart." 
 
 3 
 
 wffo I 
 
 \ 
 
 '/: 
 
 ,/ 
 
/^ 
 
 -__f I -^.A >> 
 
 ^^ 
 
 |RIM visaged was Sir 
 
 Gadabout; his manner 
 
 was of silk, 
 
 But unkind friends were 
 
 wont to say his face would 
 
 sour milk. 
 
 He kept his visor down always to 
 
 hide his lantern jaws, 
 And when he drank his Spanish 
 wine he took the dope through 
 straws. 
 
 L^'^* 
 
 Twas on a bridge he met his Fate 
 
 — a lissome gentlemaid. 
 She stood upon the rail and yelled, 
 
 for she was sore afraid, 
 While on the shore there pawed a 
 
 bull — a brindled beast of sin 
 Which feared to set foot on the 
 
 bridge, lest he should bust it in. 
 
 "Oh save me!" cried the maiden 
 
 fair; "1 trust thy knightly oath. 
 "Fear not," Sir Gadabout declaimed; 
 
 "the world can't hold us both." 
 He put his lance in rest and 
 
 charged, and, proving he was 
 
 game, 
 The brindle bull took chances on 
 
 the bridge, and did the same. 
 
They came together with a smash 
 
 that echoed for a week, 
 And, plunging through the broken 
 
 bridge, the bull fell in the 
 
 creek, 
 But from his charger plunged the 
 
 knight, the buffet was so sore; 
 "Have you seen Kelly?** murmured 
 
 he, and fainted on the floor. 
 
 The maiden fluttered to his side 
 
 and, weeping, bent above, 
 Her heart, accustomed to such 
 
 stunts, was brimming full of 
 
 love. 
 She gently raised his helmet-front, 
 
 and with a piercing shriek, 
 Leaped madly o'er the rail to where 
 
 the bull pawed in the creek. 
 
 And passing teamsters hauled the 
 knight aside with bitter curse, 
 
 For knights were scarce, and wagon 
 wheels might damage this one 
 worse; 
 
 And on the planks the knight sat 
 up and scratched his ringing 
 ear 
 
 "Dear me," he said, "from all the 
 signs there's been some dis- 
 cord here." 
 
^5;r::^y^ 
 
 HE night was still at 
 Castle W r u ff, and 
 snoring loud and deep 
 Some sixteen knights, all saddle- 
 galled, lay heavily in sleep 
 When on the postern came a 
 knock. "What ho?" the 
 warder said. 
 **A weary minstrel" said a voice, 
 "who fain would crave a bed.'* 
 
 ^'fj 
 
 ^=^ 
 
 v^^- V' 
 
 ,€ 
 
 With groans the warder shot the 
 
 bolts with rusty, jarring din. 
 And passing through the armored 
 
 door the minstrel ambled in. 
 "Good evening, sirs' he said. The 
 
 knights each sat up in his 
 
 bunk 
 And wondered if he were awake, 
 
 or if he still were drunk, 
 For sitting by the blazing fire whose 
 
 flames made shadows sharp 
 The minstrel cleared his throat and 
 
 tuned a battered six-foot 
 
 harp. 
 
 **Aw cut it out!" they cried as one; 
 "we want no tuneful rhymes." 
 

 The minstrel smiled and shook his 
 
 head; 'twas custom o[ the 
 
 times 
 To play wherever he sat down, or 
 
 try to, anyhow, 
 And he could see no reason for a 
 
 change of program now. 
 
 His searching fingers found the 
 
 strings; his voice rose to its 
 
 height 
 While sixteen bunks were torn 
 
 apart, and from each rolled a 
 
 knight, 
 And sitting on the minstreFs form, 
 
 they put it to a vote 
 Which proved to be unanimous to 
 
 drop him in the moat. 
 
 "What was that splash?" the war- 
 der asked. The knights 
 swore low and deep. 
 
 **That minstrel" one of them re- 
 plied, "was walking in his 
 
ui s m^ \ ^^^.-^ 
 
 |IR Gumshoo, known as 
 Wot dm a noble 
 Knight from Spain 
 Was one who was so strong a Pro 
 
 he'd water on the brain. 
 He would not drink a dram at all^ 
 
 or even sniff at it, 
 And just the sight of lager beer 
 would throw him in a fit. 
 
 It chanced one day Sir Gumshoo 
 rode upon a noble quest — 
 
 His lady had acquired a cold that 
 setded on her chest, 
 
 And to the rural districts he re- 
 paired, for it was plain 
 
 He must secure some goosegrease 
 that she might get well again. 
 
 He found a rude, bucolic rube who 
 
 had goosegrease to sell; 
 Sir Gumshoo bought about a quart 
 
 and all was going well 
 When he who rendered geese to 
 
 grease made him a stealthy 
 
 sign 
 And led him to a bottle filled with 
 
 elderberry wine. 
 
SSt^ 
 
 t 
 
 C 
 
 :>^' -^2;^ 
 
 The Knight declined; he was a 
 
 Pro, which fact he did explain; 
 The farmer, sore disgusted, took 
 
 his goosegrease back again, 
 Whereat the Knight in anguish 
 
 sore gave up himself for lost 
 And took a fierce and fiery drink 
 
 with all his fingers crossed. 
 
 That night he rode as rides a pig 
 
 upon a circus steed; 
 He clutched his charger Vound the 
 
 neck, for he was stewed 
 
 indeed. 
 And, bowing to his lady fair, as 
 
 bows the wind-tossed pine, 
 He handed her part of a quart of 
 
 elderberry wine. 
 
7/ 
 
 T chanced that Mande- 
 ville de Bunk, Sir 
 Knight by Arthur's 
 grace 
 Stood with his polished shield be- 
 fore his densely-whiskered 
 face, 
 And to his squire he made remark 
 
 — "Now Algernon, I see 
 Why every maid I run across must 
 stop to look at me." 
 
 "True, Sire" the loyal squire re- 
 plied; "Ah, very, very true, 
 
 IVe seen 'em look just that-a-way 
 when visiting the Zoo/ 
 
 "Bring forth my favors" quoth the 
 
 knight; "The whole endurin* 
 
 lot; 
 IVe got to wear one of *em sure, I 
 
 swear I don't know what. 
 This mitt I got from fair Casein; 
 
 this dinky picture card 
 As I recall it, was a gift from lovely 
 
 Hildegarde. 
 But here's that shoe — consarn my 
 
 ^1 
 
 J 
 
i^:?- 
 
 ( 
 
 I wore this dust-pan at the joust at 
 
 Castle Vonderhilt, 
 And at the field of Rubberneck I 
 
 wore this bloomin quilt, 
 But where did I acquire this 
 
 placque? Whence came this 
 
 faded rose? 
 And who in thunder gave me these 
 
 — this pair of speckled hose? 
 
 Oh well ril wear *em all at once — 
 just tie on all you can; 
 
 It's mighty tough, upon my oath, to 
 be a ladies' man. 
 

 IM 
 
 ffl^^4i 
 
 IIRBUGHAUS, famed in 
 
 many lands for courtly, 
 
 knightly deeds, 
 
 Before whose might full 
 
 many a knight found lances 
 
 were but reeds, 
 
 Rode on his way to Goose's Nest, 
 
 a castle perched on high. 
 When by the road a maiden fair 
 fell on his eagle eye. 
 
 The maiden sat perched in a tree; 
 
 it was no time to laugh. 
 For underneath in anger raved a 
 
 frowsy litde calf, 
 "Sir Knight," spake she; *Tm up 
 
 a tree; oh help me down, 1 
 
 pray, 
 
 I do beseech thee in thy might to 
 drive this brute away." 
 
 Whereat the knight, in anger sore, 
 dismounted from his steed 
 
 And made toward the calf to aid 
 the lady in her need. 
 
 The calf turned tail, the knight 
 took hold — or, properly, took 
 holt. 
 
 And as they whirled, ths critter's 
 tail caught in an armor bolt, 
 
 Ife^^ 
 
 ^ 
 
•^a^rp- 
 
 r 
 
 c 
 
 When lo, before the maid's popped 
 
 eyes, around the field there 
 
 raced 
 A blatting calf by yelping knight 
 
 in clashing" armor chased. 
 Around the field full twenty times 
 
 the chased and chaser sped, 
 But though the knight was close 
 
 behind, the calf was just ahead. 
 
 Then as a brand new lap began, 
 
 the knight began to lag; 
 The calf slowed up beneath the 
 
 weight of such a cast-iron drag. 
 And to the maid the knight roared 
 
 forth, "Get down and be some 
 
 use! 
 Doggone it, can't you see Fm caught? 
 
 Slide down and turn me loose!" 
 But then the calf with sudden 
 
 speed pulled loose and fled in 
 
 rout, 
 And, sitting down with mighty force, 
 
 the knight jarred things about. 
 
 And when he clambered to his 
 
 feet, his faithful steed to find, 
 He galloped on his knightly way, 
 
 and didn't look behind, 
 For though no knight in all his set 
 
 e'er did a deed by halves, 
 The code showed nothing — not a 
 
 word, about knights chasing 
 
 calves. 
 
T WAS a wintry win- 
 ter's eve, when in his 
 castle hall 
 Sir Monkeyfayce sat at 
 his meal, and on the panelled 
 wall 
 His harness hung, by loyal hands 
 
 made free of rust and bright, 
 For he was (oolish on such things, 
 becoming in a knight. 
 
 "Come hither, Rollo!" called the 
 
 knight unto his faithful squire; 
 By Merlin, it's your turn to put 
 
 some wood upon the fire. 
 My feet are cold, and by my sword, 
 
 it is not fit or meet 
 A knight should try to hold his 
 
 job when he has freezing feet. 
 
 "I mind me of one winter's day 
 
 when 1 was sore beset 
 By twenty false and faithless 
 
 knights, and would be fighting 
 
 yet 
 Had not a thought flashed through 
 
 my mind — a plan both wise 
 
 and bold — 
 
/ 
 
 n 
 
 I poured some water on their feet 
 and straightway made *em cold; 
 
 And soon I held the field alone, 
 the hero of the fight, 
 
 Because cold feet are fatal to the 
 valor of a knight. . 
 
 He turned — his squire was not at 
 
 hand, but in his place and stead 
 A message scrawled upon the wall 
 
 by frantic hand he read — 
 "I've heard that yarn two hundred 
 
 times; and I can't stand for it. 
 Go tell it to another squire, and 
 
 not to me — I've quit." 
 
^ 
 
 w 
 
 ill 
 
 IR ARCHIBALD DE 
 BLATHERSCOOP 
 
 lay on his knightly bed; 
 His tongue was like a scrubbing 
 
 brush; his eyes were swelled 
 
 and red; 
 He*d celebrated something, sure; 
 
 this fact he knew quite well. 
 But what it was, or where, or when, 
 
 he found it hard to tell. 
 
 A bump sized like a croquet ball 
 stuck out above his ear; 
 
 His lower jaw swung to one side 
 five inches in the clear; 
 
 His nose was shifted out of line 
 three inches to the right — 
 
 "Great Grief!" Sir Archibald re- 
 marked, "there must have 
 been a fight!" 
 
 His shield lay underneath the bed; 
 
 his shirt of polished mail 
 Was thrown into the washbowl and 
 
 had soapsuds on the tail; 
 His helmet on the gas jet hun^ 
 
 red-hot from gas alight — 
 "Great Arthur!" groaned the knight. 
 
 ^^i^ i 
 
 
 Ls 
 
■ ■ '% 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 "Forsooth, it was a goodly 
 
 fight!** 
 
 Then came to him his trusty squire, 
 a sad, disgruntled dub, 
 
 And brought his morning toast, also 
 some bromide in a tub. 
 
 -Who did I kill?" the knight in- 
 quired; "how many have I 
 slain!" 
 
 "Oh, rats!" the trusty squire re- 
 plied, "you give a man a pain. 
 
 "When you had drunk most every- 
 thing within the alphabet, 
 
 You took a stroll and tried to flirt 
 — and with a suffragette; 
 
 The doctors say you may be saved 
 with proper dope and food. 
 
 But you can hire another squire — 
 Tm done with knights for 
 good." 
 
T was a merry knight of 
 old who ambled down 
 the road; 
 The spirit of his joy 
 made glad the charger 
 he bestrode; 
 His trusty squire lagged far behind 
 — he would not take a chance 
 Of being close enough to have his 
 
 slats pushed with a lance; 
 For as he rode the knight was gay; 
 
 who could be otherwise 
 When he is framing up a verse 
 about his lady's eyes? 
 
 The verse was working very well 
 beneath his helmet barred; 
 
 No ragged lines flowed from his 
 brain; no wordy discords 
 jarred 
 
 Until at length he struck a snag 
 that left him in the air — 
 
 The lady's name! Odds rats for- 
 sooth! It stuck out lonely 
 there. 
 
 Her name was Metempyschosis; 
 
 the Muse was laid out flat, 
 For who could ever find a word to 
 
 rhyme with one like that? 
 So on the knight in savage mood 
 
 rode, bitter with the blame 
 Of those who tacked that on a maid 
 
 to answer for a name. 
 

 yvn^ 
 
 fc 
 
 OMETIMES there's a 
 longing comes to me to 
 ride on a border foray; 
 To live with my distant 
 ancestors in some cas- 
 tle, ancient and gray; 
 To glow with the gladness of con- 
 flict; to battle with armor-clad 
 men, 
 But ever I thrust the dream from 
 me — I weigh just one hun- 
 dred and ten. 
 
 The armor they wore wouldn't fit 
 
 me, and had I 
 
 afraid 
 I couldn t have gone to a dealer and 
 
 purchased a suit ready-made. 
 For those I have seen at museums 
 
 where relics and curios are 
 Would fit me about as is fitted a 
 
 pea in a three gallon jar. 
 
 I'd like a great blade with cross- 
 handle, but, lifting one over 
 my head, 
 
 I've felt I would choose for a weapon 
 a thirty-pound crowbar in- 
 stead. 
 
 For times and the people are chang- 
 ing; we're not quite as husky 
 as then. 
 
 But stil! Tm no weakling, remem- 
 ber, for I weigh one hundred 
 and ten. 
 
 ■^i 
 
 \ me'^^ 
 
Y love" quoth Lady Ban- 
 doline, Sir Ketchan- 
 killum s bride, 
 "From you I have no secrets, love; 
 
 no evil thoughts I hide; 
 And to you I would like to say 
 what you perchance, may 
 guess^ — 
 You'll have to stop this chasing 
 'round for maidens in distress. 
 
 When you were not a married 
 
 man, no doubt it had to be, 
 But stunts like that Fll have you 
 
 know, won't ever go with me; 
 You'll have to learn to stay at home 
 
 and help me boil the kraut, 
 And as (or maidens in distress, 
 
 you'll have to cut 'em out." 
 
 The Knight sighed deep. "But 
 
 what" quoth he, "about my 
 
 knightly oath?" 
 "Not much you don't " the lady said; 
 
 "you did'nt swear for both. 
 You swore it as a single man — 
 
 now get thee over there 
 
lr:(o-0!if" y 
 
 And shell those peas and wipe the 
 
 forks and those potatoes pare. 
 I'm running things, Til have you 
 
 know, and running em just 
 
 right; 
 You need'nt think you'll loaf about 
 
 because you are a Knight." 
 
 The Knight uncrossed his steel- 
 clad legs and scratched his 
 burning ear. 
 
 "Oh what a wife I have" he said; 
 "you're always right my dear 
 
» 
 
HCV 6 i^i'. 
 
One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
 
 NOV ■" '''''. ^ 
 
 NOV 
 
iiiiiiilt 
 
 015 940 735 ** ^ 
 
 mm^t 
 
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