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 TESTIMONIAL FROM COLONEL HEWETT, J.P. & D.L., 3rd Brigade Cardiff Artillery Volunteers. 
 
 Ter. Mab. Ellis, Pontypridd, Glamorgan, May, 1866. — 
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^ 
 
 EODERICK RANDOM, 
 
 THE AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 OF all kinds of satire, there is none so 
 entertaining and universally improving', as 
 that which is introduced, as it were occasion- 
 ally, in the course of an interesting story, 
 which brings every incident home to life, and 
 by representing familiar scenes in an uncom- 
 mon and amusing point of view, invests them 
 with all the graces of novelty, while nature is 
 appealed to in every particular. 
 
 The reader gratifies his curiosity in pur- 
 suing the adventures of a person in whose 
 favour he is prepossessed ; he espouses his 
 cause, he sympathises with him in his dis- 
 tress, his indignation is heated against the 
 authors of his calamity : the humane passions 
 are inflamed; the contrast between dejected 
 virtue and insulting vice appears with greater 
 aggravation, and every impression having a 
 double force on tho imagination, the memory 
 retains the circumstance, and the heart im- 
 proves by the example. The attention is not 
 tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but 
 agreeably diverted with all the variety of in- 
 vention ; and the vicissitudes of life appear 
 in their peculiar circumstances, opening an 
 ample field for wit and humour. 
 
 JJomance, no doubt, owes its origin to 
 ignorance, vanity, and superstition. In the 
 dark ages of the world, when a man had ren- 
 dered himself famous for wisdom or valour, 
 his family and adherents availed themselves 
 of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, 
 and represented his character and person as 
 5acrod and supernatural. The vulgar easily 
 swallowed the bait, implored his protection, 
 and yielded the tribute of homage and praise, 
 even to adoration ; his exploits were handed 
 down to posterity with a thousand exaggera- 
 tions ; they were repeated as incitements to 
 virtue ; divine honours Avere paid, and altars 
 erected to his memory, for the encouragement 
 of th(3se who attempted to imitate his ex- 
 ample ; and hence arose the heathen mytho- 
 logy, which is no other than a collection of 
 extravagant romances. As learning advanced, 
 and genius received cultivation, these stories 
 were embellished with the graces of poetry, 
 that they might the better recommend them- 
 selves to the attention ; they were sung in 
 public, at festivals, for the instruction and 
 delight of the audience ; and rehearsed before 
 battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus 
 trageily and the epic muse were born, and, in 
 the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. 
 It is no wonder that the ancients could not 
 relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so 
 many remarkable events celebrated in verse 
 by t cir best poets; we therefore find no 
 roma- ce among them, during the era of their 
 ^xceL-jnce, unless the Oyropeedia of Xenophon 
 
 may be so called ; and it was not till arts and 
 sciences began to revive, after the irruption 
 of the barbarians into Europe, that anything 
 of this kind appeared. But when the minds 
 of men were debauched by the imposition of 
 priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of cre- 
 dulity, the authors of romance arose, and 
 losing sight of probability, filled their i^er- 
 formances with the most monstrous hyper- 
 boles. If they could not equal the ancient 
 poets in point of genius, they were resolved 
 to excel them in fiction, and apply to the 
 wonder, rather than the judgment, of their 
 readers. Accordingly, they brought necro- 
 mancy to their aid, and instead of supportuig 
 the character of their heroes by dignity of sen- 
 timent and practice, distinguished them by 
 their bodily strength, activity, and extrava- 
 gance of behaviour. Although nothing could 
 be more ludicrous and unnatural than the 
 figures they drew, they did not want patrons 
 and admirers ; and the world actually began 
 to be infected with the spirit of knight- 
 errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable 
 piece of ridicule, reformed the taste of man- 
 kind, representing chivalry in the right point 
 of view, and converting romance to purposes 
 far more useful and entertaining, by making 
 it assume the sock, and point out the follies 
 of ordinary life. 
 
 The same method hasbeen practised by other 
 Spanish and French authors, and by none 
 more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, 
 who, in his Adventures of Gil Bias, has de- 
 scribed the knavery and foibles of life, Avith 
 infinite humour and sagacity. The following 
 sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking 
 the liberty, however, to differ from him in the 
 execution, where I thought his particular situ- 
 ations Vt'ero uncommon, extravagant, or pecu- 
 liar to the country in which the scene is 
 laid. The disgraces of GU Bias are, for the 
 most part, such as rather excite mirth than 
 compassion ; he himself laughs at them ; and 
 his transitions from distress to happiness, or 
 at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the 
 reader has time to pity him, nor himself to 
 be acquainted with affliction. This conduct, 
 in my opinion, not only deviates from proba- 
 bility, but prevents that generous indigna- 
 tion, which ought to animate^ the_ reader 
 against the sordid and vicious disposition of 
 the world. 
 
 I have attempted to represent modest merit 
 struggling with every difficidty to which a 
 friendless orphan is exposed, from his own 
 want of experience, as well as from the sel- 
 fishness, envy, malice, and base indifference of 
 mankind. To secure a favourable preposses- 
 sion, I have allowed him the advantages of 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 birth and education, which in the series of his 
 mist'of tunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous 
 more warmly in his behalf; and though I 
 foresee, that some i^eople will be offended at 
 the mean scenes in Avhich he is involved, I 
 persuade myself that the judicious will not 
 only perceive the necessity of describing those 
 situations to which he must of course be con- 
 fined, in his low estate, but also find enter- 
 tainment in viewing those parts of life, where 
 the humours and passions are undisguised by 
 affectation, ceremony, or education ; and the 
 whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear 
 as nature has implanted them. But I believe 
 I need not trouble myself in vindicating a 
 practice authorized by the best writers in this 
 way, some of whom I have already named. 
 
 Vvery intelligent reader will, at first sight, 
 porceive I have not deviated from nature in 
 the facts, which are all true in the main, al- 
 though the circumstances are altered and dis- 
 guised, to avoid personal satire. 
 
 It now remains to give my reasons for mak- 
 ing the chief x^orsonage of this work a North 
 Briton, which are chiefiy these : I could, at a 
 small expense, bestow on him such education 
 as I thought the dignity of his birth and cha- 
 racter required, which could not possibly be 
 obtained in England, by such slender means 
 as the nature of my plan would aflbrd. In 
 the next place, I could represent simplicity of 
 manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with 
 more propriety than in any place near the capi- 
 tal ; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, 
 addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in 
 deriving an adventurer from that country. 
 
 That the delicate reader may not be offended 
 at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from 
 the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, 
 I beg leave to premise, that I imagined no- 
 thing could more effectually expose the absur- 
 dity of such miserable expletives, than a 
 natural and verbal representation of the dis- 
 course in which they occur. 
 
 APOLOGUE. 
 
 A YOTTNG painter, indulging a vein of plea- 
 santry, sketched a kind of conversation piece, 
 representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an 
 ass ; and to render it more striking, humor- 
 ous, and moral, distinguished every figure by 
 some emblem of human life. 
 
 J^ruin was exhibited iu the garb and atti- 
 tude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier ; 
 the owl perched upon the handle of a coffee- 
 pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed to con- 
 template a newspaper ; and the ass, orna- 
 mented with a huge tia-wig (which, however, 
 could not conceal his long ears), sat for his 
 picture to the monkey, who appeared with 
 the implements of painting. This v/himsical 
 group afforded some mirth, and met with 
 general approbation, until some mischievous 
 wag hinted that the whole was a lampoon 
 upon the friends of the performer; an in- 
 sinuation which was no sooner circulated 
 than those very people who applauded it be- 
 fore began to be alarmed, and even to fancy 
 themselves signified by the several figures of 
 the piece. 
 
 Among others, a worthy personage in years, 
 who had served in the army with reputation, 
 being incensed at the supposed outrage, re- 
 paired to the lodging of the painter, and find- 
 ing him at home, ' Hark ye, Mr. Monkey,' 
 said he, ' I have a gooil mind to con\-ince you, 
 that_ though the bear has lost his teeth, he 
 retaius his paws, and that he is not so drunk 
 but he can perceive your impertinence. 
 ' Sblood ! sir, that toothless jaw is a d — ned 
 scandalous libel — biit don't you imagine me 
 so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the 
 cud of resentment.' Here he was interrupted 
 by the arrival of a learned phj^sician, who, 
 advancing to the culprit with fury in his as- 
 pect, exclaimed, ' Suppose the augmentation 
 of the ass's ears shoul»i prove the diminution 
 
 of the baboon's — nay, seek not to prevari- 
 cate, for, by the beard of jEsculapius ! there 
 is not one hair in this periwig that will 
 not stand up in judgment to cnvict thee 
 of personal abuse. Do but observe, cap- 
 tain, how this pitiful little fellow has 
 copied the very curls — the colour, indeed, is 
 different, but then the form and foretop are 
 quite similar.' While he thus remonstrated 
 in a strain of vociferation, a venei-able sena- 
 tor entered, and waddling up to the delin- 
 quent, ' Jackanapes ! ' cried he, ' I will now let 
 thee see I can read something else than a 
 newspaper, and that without the help of spec- 
 tacles : here is your own note of hand, sir- 
 rah, for money, which if I had not advanced, 
 you yourself would have resembled an owl, in 
 not daring to show your face by day, you mi- 
 grateful slanderous knave ! ' 
 
 In vain the astonished painter declared that 
 he had no intention to give offence, or to cha- 
 racterise particular persons : they aflirmed the 
 resemblance was too palpable to be over- 
 looked ; they taxed him with insolence, ma- 
 lice, and ingratitude ; and their clamours 
 being overheard by the public, the captain 
 was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator 
 an owl, to his dying day. 
 
 Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the 
 bowels of the Lord, remember this example 
 while thou art employed in the perusal of the 
 following sheets ; and seek not to appropriate 
 to thyself that which equally belongs to five 
 hundred different people. If thou shouldst 
 meet with a character that reflects thee in 
 some ungracious particular, keep thy own 
 counsel ; consider that one feature makes not 
 a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, 
 distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy 
 neighbours may be in the same predicament. 
 
THE ADVENTUPtES OP •EODEPiICK lUNBOM. 
 
 CHAPTEE I. 
 Of vny Birth and Education. 
 
 I WAS born in the northern part of this 
 united kingdom, in the house of my grand- 
 father, a gentleman of considerable fortune 
 and influence, who had on many occasions sig- 
 nalised himself in behalf of his country ; and 
 was remarkable for his abilities in the law, 
 which he exercised with great success in the 
 station of a judge, particularly against beggars, 
 for whom he had a singular aversion. 
 
 My father (his youngest son) falling in 
 love with a j)oor relation, who lived with the 
 old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, 
 espoused her privately; and I was the first 
 fruit of that marriage. Diiring her preg- 
 nancy, a dream discomposed my mother so 
 much that her husband, tired with her impor- 
 tunity, at last consulted a highland seer, 
 whose favourable interpretation he would 
 have secured beforehand by a bribe, but found 
 him incorruptible. She dreamed she was de- 
 livered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, 
 to her great surprise, acted the part of a 
 midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that 
 it disappeared in an instant ; and she was for 
 some time inconsolable for the loss of her off- 
 spring ; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it 
 return with equal violence, and enter the 
 earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately 
 sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, 
 the scent of which operated so strongly on 
 her nerves that she awoke. The attentive 
 sage, after some deliberation, assured my 
 parents, that their firstborn would be a great 
 traveller ; that he would undergo many dan- 
 gers and difficulties, and at last return to his 
 native land, where ho would flora-ish in happi- 
 ness and reputation. How truly this was 
 foretold will appear in the sequel. It was not 
 long before some officious person informed 
 my grandfather of certain familiarities that 
 passed between his son and housekeeper, 
 which alarmed him so much that, a few days 
 after, he told my father it was high time for 
 him to think of settling; and that he had 
 provided a match for him, to which he could 
 in justice have no objections. My father, 
 finding it would bo impossible to conceal his 
 situation much longer, frankly o'wned what 
 he had done ; and excused himself for not 
 having asked the consent of his father, by 
 saying, he knew it would have been to no 
 purpose ; and that, had his inclination been 
 known, my grandfather might have taker, 
 siich measures as would have effectually put 
 the gratification of it out of his power : he 
 added, that no exceptions could be taken to 
 tia wile's virtue, birth, beauty, and good 
 
 sense, and as for fortune, it was bene.ith his 
 care. The old gentleman, . who kept all his 
 passions, except one, in excellent order, heard 
 him to an end with great temper, and then 
 calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain 
 himself and spouse ? He replied, he coiild be 
 in no danger of wanting while his father's 
 tenderness remained, which he and his wife 
 should always cultivate with the utmost 
 veneration ; and he was persuaded his allow- 
 ance would be suitable to the dignity and 
 circumstances of his family, and to the provi- 
 sion already made for his brothers and sisters, 
 who were happily settled under his protection. 
 ' Your brothers and sisters,' said my grand- 
 father, ' did not think it beneath them to 
 consult me in an affair of such importance as 
 matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you 
 have omitted that piece of duty, had you not 
 some secret fund in reserve ; to the comforts 
 of which I leave you, with a desire that you 
 will this night seek out another habitation 
 for yourself and wife, whither, in a short 
 time, I will send you an account of the ex- 
 pense I have been at in your education, wif h 
 a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have 
 made the grand tour — jou are a polite gen- 
 tleman — a very pretty gentleman — I wish you 
 a great deal of joy, and am your very humble 
 servant.' 
 
 So saying, he left my father in a situation 
 easily imagined. However, ho did not long 
 hesitate ; for, being perfectly well acquainted 
 with his father's disposition, he did not doubt 
 that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of 
 him ; and his resolves being as in^'ariable as 
 the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew 
 it would be to no purpose to attempt him by 
 prayers and entreaties ; so without any far- 
 ther application, he betook himself, with his 
 disconsolate bedfellow, to a farm-house, Avherc 
 an old servant of his mother dwelt : there 
 they remained some time in a situation but 
 ill adapted to the elegance of their desires 
 and tenderness of their love ; which never- 
 theless my father chose to endure, rather than 
 supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent : 
 but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences 
 to which she must have been exposed, had 
 she been delivered in this place (and her 
 lare.gnancy was very far advanced), without 
 communicating her design to her husband, 
 went in disguise to the house of my grand- 
 father, hoping that her tears and condition 
 would move him to compassion, and reconcile 
 him to an event which was now irrecoverably 
 past. 
 
 She found means to deceive the servants, 
 and get introduced as an unfortunate lady, 
 who wanted to complain of some matrimonial 
 
4 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 grievances, it being my grandfather's par- 
 ticular province to decide in all cases of 
 scandal. She was accordingly admitted into 
 his presence, where, discovering herself, she 
 fell at his feet, and in the most affecting 
 manner implored his forgiveness ; at the same 
 time renresenting the danger that threatened 
 not only her life, but that of his own grand- 
 child, which was about to see the light, He 
 told her he was soriy that the indiscretion of 
 her and his son had compelled him to make a 
 vow, which put it out of his power to give 
 them any assistance; that he had already 
 imparted his thoughts on that subject to her 
 husband, and was surprised that they should 
 disturb his peace with any farther importu- 
 nity. This said, he retired. 
 
 The violence of my mother's afHiction had 
 such an effect on her constitution that she 
 was immediately seized with the pains of 
 childbed; and had not an old maidservant, 
 to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity 
 and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my 
 grandfather's displeasure, she and the inno- 
 cent fruit of her womb must have fallen 
 miserable victims to his rigour and inhu- 
 manity. By the friendship of this poorwoman, 
 she was carried up to a garret, and imme- 
 diately delivered of a man child, the story of 
 whose unfortunate birth he himself now 
 relates. My father, being informed of what 
 had happened, flew to the embraces of his 
 darling spouse, and while he loaded his 
 offspring with paternal embraces, could not 
 forbear shedding a flood of tears on beholding 
 the dear partner of his heart (for whose ease 
 he would have sacrificed the treasures of the 
 east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a miserable 
 apartment, unable to protect her from the 
 inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be 
 supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant 
 of what passed, though he affected to know- 
 nothing of the matter, and pretended to be 
 very much surprised, when one of his grand- 
 children, by his eldest son deceased, who 
 lived with him as his heirapparent, acquainted 
 him with the affair ; he determined therefore 
 to observe no medium, but immediately (on 
 the third day after her delivery) sent her a 
 peremptory order to be gone, and turned off 
 the servant who had preserved her life. 
 This behaviour so exasperated my father that 
 he had recourse to the most dreadful impre- 
 cations ; and on his bare knees implored that 
 Heaven would renounce him if ever he should 
 forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire. 
 
 The injuries which this unhappy mother 
 received from her removal in such circum- 
 stances, and the want of necessaries whore 
 she lodged, together with her grief and anxiety 
 of mind, soon threw her into a languishing 
 disorder, which put an end to her life. My 
 father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected 
 with her death that he remained six weeks 
 deprived of his senses; during which time, 
 the people where he lodged carried the infant 
 to the old man who relented so far, oil hear- 
 
 ing the melancholy story of his daughter-in- 
 law's death, and the deplorable condition of 
 his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he 
 ordered my father to be carried home to his 
 house, where he soon recovered the use of 
 his reason. 
 
 Whether this hardhearted judge felt any 
 remorse for his cruel treatment of his son 
 and daughter, or (which is more probable) 
 was afraid his character would suffer in the 
 neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for 
 his conduct to my father, whose delirium was 
 succeeded by a profound melancholy and 
 reserve. At length he disappeared, and, not- 
 withstanding all imaginable inquiry, could ' 
 not be heard of; a circumstance which con- 
 firmed most people in the opinion of his 
 having made away with himself in a fit of 
 despair, H )w I understood the particulars 
 of my birlu will appear in the course of these 
 memoirs. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 I groiv up — am hated ?)i/ my Relaiions — sent 
 to ScJiool — neglected by my Grandfather — 
 maltreated hy my Master — seasoned to 
 Adversity — I form Cabals against the 
 Pedant— am debarred Access to my rand- 
 father — hunted by his Heir — I demolish the 
 Teeth of his Tutor. 
 
 THERE were not wanting some who sus- 
 pected my uncles of being concerned in 
 my father's fate, on the supposition that they 
 would all share in the p.atrimony destined for 
 him ; and tliis conjecture was strengthened 
 by reflecting, that in all his calamities they 
 never discovered the least inclination to serve 
 him ; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices 
 in their power, fed his father's resentment, 
 and supported his resolution of leaving him to 
 misery and want. But people of judgment 
 treated this insinuation as an idle chimera ; 
 because, had my relations been so wicked as 
 to consult their interest by committing such 
 an atrocious crime, the fate of my father 
 would have extended to me too, whose life 
 was another obstacle to their expectation. 
 Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly 
 resembled my father, who was the darling of 
 the tenants, I wanted nothing which their 
 indigent circumstances could afford : but 
 their favour was a weak resource against the 
 jealous enmity of my cousins : who, the more 
 my infancy promised, conceived the more im- 
 ]ilacable hatred against mo : and before I was 
 six years of age, had so effectually blockaded 
 my grandfatlier that I never s.av/ him but by 
 stealth, when I sometimes made up to his 
 chair as he sat to view his labourers in the 
 field : on which occasion he would stroke my 
 head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to 
 take care of me. 
 
 I was soon after sent to school at a village 
 hard by, of which he had been dictator time 
 out of mind ; but, as he never paid for my 
 board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, 
 
aud other neoc s varies I reqiiired, my condition 
 was very rag-g-eil and contemptible, and the 
 schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grand- 
 father, taught mo (jratis, gave himself no con- 
 cern about the progress I made under hiS 
 instruction. In spite of all these difficulties 
 and disgraces, I became a good proficient in 
 the La.tin tongue ; and, as soon as I could 
 write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with 
 letters to such a degree that he sent for my 
 master, and chid him severely for bestowing 
 such pains on my education, telling liim that, 
 if ever I should be brought to the gallows for 
 forgery, which he had taught me to commit, 
 my blood would lie on his head. 
 
 The pedant, who dreaded nothing more 
 than the displeasure of his patron, assured 
 his honour that the boy's ability was more 
 owing to his own genius and application than 
 to any instruction or encouragement he re- 
 ceived; that, although he could not divest 
 him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, 
 unless he would empower him to disable his 
 fingers, he should endeavour, with God's h.olp, 
 to prevent his future improvement. And, in- 
 deed, he punctually perlormed what he had 
 undertaken ; for, on pretence that I had 
 written impertinent letters to my grandfather, 
 he caused a board to be made with five holes 
 in it, through which ho thrust the fingers and 
 thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by 
 whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as 
 ett'ectually debarred mo the use of my pen. 
 But this restraint I was freed from in a few 
 days, by an accident which happened in a 
 quarrel between me and another boy ; who, 
 taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was 
 so incensed at his ungenerous reproach that 
 with one stroke with my machine I cut him 
 to the skull, to the great terror of myself and 
 schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the 
 ground, and ran to inform the master of what 
 had happened. I was so severely punished 
 for this trespass that, were I to live to the 
 age of Metlmsalem, the impression it made 
 on me would not bo effaced ; no more than 
 the antipathy and horror I conceived for the 
 merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The con- 
 tempt which my appearance naturally pro- 
 duced ill all who saw me, the continual wants 
 to whi( h T was exposed, and my own haiighty 
 disposi ion, impatient of affronts, involved 
 me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by 
 which I was at length inured in adversity, 
 and emboldened to undertakings far above 
 my years. I was often inhumanly scourged 
 for crimes I did not commit, because, having 
 the character of a vagabond in the village, 
 every piece of mischief, whose author lay un- 
 known, was charged upon me. I have been 
 found guilty of robbing orchards I never 
 entered, of killing cats I never hnrted, of 
 stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of 
 abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a 
 stammering carpenter had eloquence cnoiigh 
 to persuade my master that I fired a pistol 
 loaded with small shot into his v.'indow; 
 
 though my landlady and the whole family 
 bore v/itness that I was abed fast asleep at 
 the time when this outrage was committed. 
 I was once flogged for having narrowly es- 
 caped dro\\^ling, V>_y the sinking of a ferry 
 boa,t in which I was passenger. Another 
 time, for having recovered of a bruise occa- 
 sioned by a horse and cart running over me. 
 A third time, for being bitten by a baker's 
 dog. In short, whether I was guilty or un- 
 fortunate, the correction and sympathy oi' 
 this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. 
 
 Far from being subdued by this infernal 
 usage, my indignation triumphed over that 
 slavisla awe which had hitherto enforced my 
 obedience ; and the more my years and know- 
 ledge increased, the more I perceived the in- 
 justice and barb;irity of his behaviour. T!y 
 the help of an uncommon genius, and the 
 advice and dii-ection of our usher, who had 
 served my father in his travels, I made a sur- 
 prising progress in the classics, wi-iting, and 
 arithmetic ; so that, before I was twelve years 
 old, I was allowed by everybody to be the 
 best scholar in the school. This qualification, 
 together with a boldness of temper and 
 strength of make which had subjected almost 
 all my contemporaries, gave me such influ- 
 ence o\CT them that I began to form cabals 
 against my persecutor ; and was in hope of 
 being able to bid him defiance in a verj^ short 
 time. Being at the head of a faction, con- 
 sisting of thirty boj's, most of them of my 
 own age, I was determined to put their mettle 
 to trial, that I might know how far they were 
 to be depended upon, before I put my grand 
 scheme in execution : with this view, we at- 
 tacked a body of stout apprentices, who had 
 taken possession of a part of the ground al- 
 lotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, 
 and who were then playing at ninepins on 
 the spot ; but I had the mortification to seo 
 my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg 
 of one of them broke in his flight by tho 
 bowl, which oko of our adversai'ies had de- 
 tached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture 
 did not hinder us from engaging them after- 
 wards in frequent skirmishes, which we main- 
 tained by throwing stones at a distance, 
 wherein I received many wounds, the scars 
 of which still remain. Our enemies were so 
 harassed and interrupted by these alarms that 
 they at last abandoned their conqiiest, and 
 left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own 
 territories. 
 
 It would be endless to enumerate the ex- 
 ploits wo performed in the course of this 
 confederacy, which became the terror of tho 
 whole village ; insomuch that, when dift'erent 
 interests divided it, one of the parties cobi- 
 monly courted tho assistance of Roderick 
 Random (by whioh name I was known) to 
 cnst the balance, and keep the opposite fac- 
 tion in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advan- 
 tage of every play-day to present myseU' 
 before my grandfather, to whom I seldcui 
 found access, by reason of his being closely 
 
besieged by a numerous family of his female 
 grandchildren, who, though they perpetually 
 quarrelled among themselves, never failed to 
 join against me, as the common enemy of aU. 
 His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, 
 minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed 
 was qualified for nothing else, notwithstand- 
 ing his grandfather's indulgence in enter- 
 taining a tutor for him at home ; who at the 
 same time performed the office of parish 
 clerk. This young Acta3on, who inherited 
 his grandfather's antipathy to everything in 
 distress, never sat eyes on me Avithout un- 
 coupling his beagles, and hunting me into 
 some cottage or other, whither I generally 
 fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement 
 he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no 
 doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate 
 himself with the rising sun, observing, that 
 the old gentleman, according to the course 
 of nature, had not long to live, for he was 
 already on the verge of fourscore. 
 
 The behaviour of this rascally sycophant 
 incensed me so much, that one day, when I 
 was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a 
 farmer's house, where I had found protection, 
 I took aim at him (being an excellent marks- 
 man) Avith a large pebble, which struck out 
 four of his foreteeth, and effectually incapaci- 
 tated him from doing the office of a clerk. 
 
 CHAPTEE III. 
 
 My Mother's Brother arrives— relieves me — 
 a Description of him — he goes along with 
 me to the House of my Grandfather — is 
 encountered by his Dogs — defeats them, after 
 a bloody Engagemeni-r^s admitted to the 
 old Gentleman — a Dialogue between tliem. 
 
 ABOUT this time my mother's onlj' brother, 
 who had boon long abroad, lieutenant of a 
 man-of-war, arrived in his own country ; 
 where being informed of my condition, ho 
 came to see me, and out of his slender 
 finances not only supplied me with what 
 necessaries I wanted for the present, but re- 
 solved not to leave the country until ho had 
 prevailed on my grandfather to settle some- 
 thing handsome for tiie future. This was a 
 task to which he was by no means equal, 
 being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge's 
 disposition, but also of the ways of men in 
 general, to which his education on board had 
 kept him an utter stranger. 
 
 Ho was a strong built man, somewhat 
 bandy legged, with a neck like that of a bull, 
 and a face which (you might easily perceive) 
 had withstood the most obstinate assaults of 
 thp weather. His dress consisted of a sol- 
 dier's coat altered for him by the ship's tailor, 
 a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches 
 japanned with pitch, clean gray worsted 
 stockings, large silver buckles that covered 
 three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, 
 whoso crown overlooked the brims about an 
 inch .^nd a half, a black bobwig in buckle, a 
 
 check shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, 
 with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a 
 tarnished lace belt, and a good oak j)lant 
 under his arm. Thus equipped, he set out 
 with me (who by his bounty made a very de- 
 cent appearance) for my grandfather's house, 
 where we were saluted by Jowler and Ca3sar, 
 whom my cousin, young master, had let loose 
 at our approach. Being well acquainted with 
 the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to 
 betake myself to my heels, when my uncle 
 seized me with one hand, brandished his 
 cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid 
 Cassar sprawling on the ground ; but, finding 
 himself attacked at the same time in the rear 
 by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, 
 he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and by a 
 lucky stroke severed Jowler' s head from his 
 body. By this time, the young foxhunter 
 and three servants, armed with pitchforks and 
 flails, were come to the assistance of the 
 dogs, whom they found breathless upon the 
 field ; and my cousin was so provoked at the 
 death of his favourites, that he ordered his 
 attendants to advance, and take vengeance 
 on their executioner, whom he loaded with 
 aU the curses and reproaches his anger could 
 suggest. Upon which my uncle stepped for- 
 wards with an undaunted air, at the sight of 
 whose bloody weapons his antagonists fell 
 back with precipitation, when ho accosted 
 their leader thus : 
 
 ' Lookee, brother, your dogs haAring boarded 
 me without provocation, what I did was in 
 my OAvn defence. So you had best be civil, 
 and let us shoot a head, clear of you.' 
 
 Whether the young squire misinterpreted 
 my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at 
 the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch 
 of resolution, I know not ; but ho snatched 
 a flail from one of his followers, and came up 
 with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, 
 putting himself in a posture of defence, pro- 
 ceeded thus : ' Lookee, you lubberly son of a 
 w — e, if you come athwart me. 'ware your 
 gingerbread work. I'll be foul of your quarter, 
 d — n me.' 
 
 This declaration, followed by a flourish of 
 his hanger, seemed to check the progress of 
 the young gentleman's choler, who, looking 
 behind him, perceived his attendants had 
 slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left 
 him to decide the contention by himself. 
 
 Here a parley ensued, which was introduced 
 by my cousins asking, 'Who the devil are 
 you r' Wliat do you want ? Some scoundrel 
 of a seaman, I suppose, who has deserted and 
 turned thief. But don't think you shall escape, 
 sirrah — I'll have you hang'd, you dog, I will. 
 Your blood shall pay for that of my two 
 hoimds, you ragamuffin. I would not have 
 parted with them to save your whole genera- 
 tion from the gallows, you ruffian, you !' 
 ' None of your jaw, you swab — none of your 
 jaw,' replied my uncle, ' else I shall trim your 
 laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down 
 with an oaken towel, my boy — I shall.' So 
 
sayinj?, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped 
 his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the 
 house being alarmed, one of my female cousins 
 opened a window, and asked what was the 
 matter. 'The matter!' answered the lieu- 
 tenant ; ' no great matter, young woman ; I 
 have business with the old gentleman, and 
 this spark, belike, won't allow me to come 
 alongside of him, that's all.' After a few 
 minutes' pause we were admitted, and con- 
 ducted to my grandfather's chamber through 
 a lane of my relations, who honoured me with 
 very significant looks as I passed along. When 
 we came into the judge's presence, my uncle, 
 after two or three sea-bows, expressed him- 
 self in this manner; 'Your servant, your 
 servant. What cheer, father ? what cheer ? 
 I suppose you don't know me — mayhap you 
 don't. My name is Tom Bowling, and this 
 here boy, you look as if you did not know 
 him neither ; 'tis like you mayn't. He's new 
 rigged, i'faith ; his cloth don't shake in the 
 wind so much as it wont to do. 'Tis my 
 nephew, d"y see, Roderick Random — j'our 
 own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don't 
 lag a-stern, you dog,' pulling me forward. 
 My grandfather (who was laid up with the 
 gout) received this relation, after his long 
 absence, with that coldness of civility which 
 was peculiar to him ; told him he was glad 
 to see him, and desired him to sit down. 
 ' Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand,' 
 said my uncle; 'for my own part, I desire 
 nothing of you; but, if you have any con- 
 science at all, do something for this poor boy, 
 who has been used at a very tinchristian rate. 
 Unchristian, do I call it? I am snre the 
 Moors in Barbary have more humanity than 
 to leave their little ones to want. I v/ould 
 fain know why my sister's son is more ne- 
 glected than that there fair-weather Jack' 
 (pointing to the young squire, who with the 
 rest of my cousins had followed us into i ho 
 room). ' Is not he as near akin to you as the 
 other ? Is he not much handsomer and better 
 built than that great chucklehead? Come, 
 come, consider, old gentleman, you are going 
 in a short time to give an account of your 
 evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did 
 his father, and make all the satisfaction in 
 your poT^r before it be too late. The least 
 thing yc f can do is to settle his father's por- 
 tion on him.' The young ladies, who thought 
 themselves too much concerned to contain 
 themselves any longer, set up their throats 
 all together against my protector — ' Scurvy 
 companion — .«aucy tarpaulin — rude, imperti- 
 nent fellow, did he think to prescribe to grand- 
 papa ? His sister's brat had been too well 
 taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not 
 to make a diiforence between an unnatural, 
 rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children, 
 who took his advice in all things ;' and such 
 expressions were vented against him with 
 great violence; until the judge at length 
 commanded silence. He calmly rebuked my 
 uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, whicU 
 
 he said he would excuse on account of his 
 education : he told him he had been very 
 kind to the boy, whom ho had kept at school 
 seven or eight years, although he was in- 
 formed he made no progress in his learning, 
 but was addicted to all manner of vice, which 
 he rather believed, because he himself was 
 witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he 
 had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. 
 But, however, he woidd see what the lad was 
 fit for, and buid him apprentice to some 
 honest tradesman or other, provided he would 
 mend his manners, and behave for the future 
 as became him. The honest tar (whose pride 
 and indignation boiled within him) answered 
 my grandfather, that it was true he had sent 
 him to school, but it had cost him nothing, 
 for he had never been at one shilling expense 
 to furnish him ^vith food, raiment, books, or 
 other necessaries ; so that it was not much to 
 be wondered at, if the boy made small pro- 
 gress; and yet whoever told him so was a 
 lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to bo 
 keel-haul'd ; for thof he (the lieutenant) did 
 not understand those matters himself, he was 
 well informed as how Rory was^the best 
 scholar of his age in all the country; the 
 t»ith of which ho would maintain, by laying 
 a wager of his whole half-year's pay on the 
 boy's head — with these words he pulled out 
 his purse, and challenged the companj^ : 
 ' Neither is he predicted to vice, as you allirm, 
 but rather left like a wi-eck, d'ye see, at the 
 mercy of the wind and weather, by your 
 neglect, old gentleman. As for what hap- 
 pened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that 
 he did not knock out the scoimdrel's brains 
 instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I 
 come up with him, he had better bo in Green- 
 land, that's all. Thank you for your courte- 
 ous offer of binding the lad apprentice to a 
 tradesman. I suppose you would make a 
 tailor of him — woidd you ? I had rather see 
 him hang'd, d'j'o see. Come along, Rory, I 
 perceive how the land lies, my boy — let's 
 tack about, i'faith — while I have a shilling 
 you shan't want a tester. B'we, old gentle- 
 man ; you're bound for the other world, but I 
 believe damnably ill-provided for the voyage.' 
 Thus ended our visit; and we returned to 
 the village, my uncle muttering curses all 
 tho way against the old shark and the young 
 fry that surrounded him. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Jfi/ Grandfather makes hii^ Will — mir second 
 Visit — he Dies — his Will is read in Presence 
 of all his living Descendants — the Disap- 
 2)ointment of my female Cousins — nvyUncle's 
 Behaviour. 
 
 A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were 
 informed that the old judge, at the end 
 of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three 
 days, had sent for a notary and made his will ; 
 that the distemper had mounted from his legs 
 
to his stomach, and, being conscious of his 
 approaching end, he had desired to see all his 
 descendants without exception. In obedience 
 to this summons, my uncle set out with me a 
 second time, to receive the last benediction 
 of my grandfather : often repeating by the 
 road, ' Ej% ey, we have brought iip the old 
 hulk at last. You shall see — you shaU see the 
 effect of my admonition.' When we entered 
 his chamber, which was crowded with his re- 
 lations, we advanced to the bedside, where 
 we found him in his last agonies, supported 
 by two of his granddaughters, who sat on each 
 side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wip- 
 ing away the froth and slaver as it gathered 
 on his lips, which they frequently kissed with 
 a show of great anguish and affection. My 
 imcle approached him vnth these words, 
 ' What I he's not a-weigh. How fare ye ? how 
 fare ye, old gentleman .'' Lord have mercy 
 upon j'our poor sinful soul I' Upon which, 
 the dying man turned his languid eyes to- 
 wards us, and Mr. Bowling went on — ' Here's 
 poor Rory come to see you before you die, 
 <ind^ to receive your blessing. What, man! 
 don't despair, you have been a great sinner, 
 'tis true, — what then ? There's a righteous 
 judge above, an't there? He minds me no 
 more than a porpoise. Yes, yes, he's a-going ; 
 the land crabs Avill have him, I see that ! his 
 anchor's a-peak, i'faith.' This homely conso- 
 lation scandalised the company so much, and 
 especially the parson, who probably thought 
 his province invaded, tliat we were obliged to 
 retire into another room, where, in a few mi- 
 nutes, we were convinced of my grandfather's 
 decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the youn^ 
 ladies in his apartment ; whither we immedi- 
 ately hastened, and found his heir, who had 
 retired a little before into a closet, under pre- 
 tsnce of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, 
 with a countenance beslubbered with tears, 
 if his grandpapa was certainly dead ? ' Dead !' 
 (says my imole, looking at the body) ' ay, ay, 
 id warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd's 
 iish ! now my dream is out for all the world. 
 I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and 
 .saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead 
 .shark that floated alongside, and the devil 
 perching upon our spritsail yard, in the like- 
 ni'ss of a blue bear — who, d'ye see, jumped 
 o/erboard upon the carcass, and carried it to 
 tlie bottom in his claws.' ' Out upon thee, 
 reprobate' (cries the parson), ' out upon thee, 
 blasphemous wretch ! Dost thoii think his 
 honour's soul is in the possession of Satan ?' 
 The clamour immediately arose, and my poor 
 imcle, being shouldered from one corner of 
 the room to the other, was obliged to lug out 
 in his own defence, and swear he would turn 
 ou : for no man, till such time as he knew who 
 hcui the title to send him adrift. ' None of 
 y^ur tricks upon travellers,' said he ; ' may- 
 hap old Bluff has left my kinsman here his 
 heir : if he has, it will be the better for his 
 miserable soid. Odds bob ! I'd desire no better 
 news. I'd soon make him a clear ship, I war- 
 
 rant you.' To avoid any further disturbance, 
 one of my grandfather's executors, avIio was 
 present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew 
 should have all manner of justice ; that a day 
 should be appointed after the funeral for ex- 
 amining the papers of the deceased, in pre- 
 sence of all his relations ; till which time every 
 desk and cabinet in the house should remain 
 close sealed ; and that he was very welcome 
 to be witness to this ceremonj^, which was 
 immediately performed to his satisfaction. In 
 the meantime, orders were given to provide 
 mourning for all the relations, in which num- 
 ber I was included ; but my uncle would not 
 suffer me to accept of it, until 1 should bo 
 assured whether or no [ had reason to honour 
 his memory so far. During this interval, the 
 conjectures of people, with regard to the old 
 gentleman's will, were various . as it was well 
 known, he had, besides his landed estate, 
 which was worth =£700 per annum, six or seven 
 thousand pounds at interest, some imagined 
 that the whole real estate (which he had 
 greatly improved) would go to the young man 
 whom he always entertained as his heir ; and 
 that the money would be equally divided be- 
 tween my female cousins (five in number) and 
 me. Others were of opinion, that, as the rest 
 of the children had been already provided for, 
 he would only bequeath two or three hundred 
 pounds to each of his granddaughters, and 
 leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for 
 his unnatural usage of my father. At length 
 the important hour arrived, and the wiU was 
 produced in the midst of the expectants, whose 
 looks and gestures formed a group that would 
 have been very entertaining to an uncon- 
 cerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce 
 conceive the astonishment and mortification 
 that appeared, when an attorney pronounced 
 aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his 
 grandfather's estate, personal and real. My 
 Tinclc, who had listened with great attention, 
 sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, 
 accompanied these words of the attorney with 
 a stare, and ivhew, that alarmed the whole 
 assembly. The eldest and pertest of my fe- 
 male competitors, who had been always very 
 officious about my grandfather's person, in- 
 quired, with a faltering accent and visage as 
 yellow as an orange, ' if there were no lega- 
 cies r' and was answered, ' None at all.' — Upon 
 which she fainted away. The rest, whose ex- 
 pectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, 
 supported their disappointment with more 
 resolution, though not without giving evident 
 marks of indignation, and grief at least as 
 genuine as that which appeared in them at 
 the old gentleman's death. My conductor, 
 after having kicked with his heel for some 
 time against the wainscot, began : ' So there's 
 no legacy, friend, ha I — here's an old succubus ; 
 but somebody's soul howls for it, d — n me !' 
 The parson of the parish, who was one of the 
 executors, and had acted as ghostl3' director 
 to the old man, no sooner heard this excla- 
 mation than he cried out, ' Avaiint, unchris- 
 
RODEEICK EANBOM. 
 
 tian rcviler ! avaunt ! wilt thou not allow the 
 soul of his honour to rest in peace ?' But this 
 zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly 
 seconded, as formerly, by the young: ladies, 
 who now joined my uncle against him, and 
 accused him of having acted the part of a 
 busybody with their grandpapa, whose ears 
 he had certain]}' abused by false stories to 
 their prejudice, or else he would not have 
 neglected them in such an unnatural manner. 
 The young squire was much diverted with 
 this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if 
 he had not murdered his dogs, he would have 
 shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black 
 badger (so he termed the clergyman). The 
 surly lieutenant, who was not in a humour to 
 relish this amusement, replied, ' You and your 
 dogs may be damn'd. I suppose you'll find 
 them with your old dad, in the latitude of 
 hell. Come, Eory, — about ship, my lad, wo 
 must steer another course, I think.' And away 
 we went. 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 TJie Sclwolmaster uses me barbarously — I form 
 a Project of Revenge, in which lam assisted 
 by my Uncle — Heave tlte Village — amsettled 
 at a University by his Generosity. 
 
 ON our way back to the village, my uncle 
 spoke not a word during tlie space of a 
 whole hour, but whistled with great vehe- 
 mence the tunc of ' Why should we quarrel 
 for riches,' &c., his visage being contracted 
 aU the while into a most formidable frown. 
 At length his pace increased to such a degree 
 that I was loft behind a considerable way : 
 then he waited for me ; and when I was 
 almost up ydth him, called out in a surly tone, 
 ' Bear a hand, damme ! must I bring to every 
 minute for you, you lazy dog.' Then, laying 
 hold of me by the arm, hauled me along, 
 until his good nature (of which he had a great 
 share) and reflection getting the better of his 
 passion, ho said, ' Come, my boy, don't be 
 cast down, — the old rascal is in hell, that's 
 some satisfaction ; you shall go to sea with 
 me, my lad. " A light heart and a thin pair 
 of breeches goes through the world, brave 
 boys ;" as the song goes — eh I' Though this 
 proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I 
 was afraid of discovering my aversion to it, 
 lest I should disoblige the only friend I had 
 in the world ; and he was so much a seaman 
 that he never dreamt I could have had any 
 objection to his design ; consequently gave 
 himself no trouble in consulting my approba- 
 tion. But this resolution was soon dropped, 
 by the advice of our usher, who assured 
 Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities 
 to balk my genius, which would certainly 
 one day make my fortune on shore, provided 
 it received due cultivation. Upon which, this 
 generous tar determined (though he could ill 
 afford it) to give me university education ; 
 and accordingly settled my board and other 
 
 expenses, at a town not many mUes distant, 
 famous for its colleges, whither we repaireil 
 in a short time. But, before the day of our 
 departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer 
 had the fear of my grandfather before his 
 eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and 
 not only abused me in the grossest language 
 his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, pro- 
 fligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had 
 taught out of charity ; but also inveighed in 
 the most bitter manner against the memorj- 
 of the judge (who by the by had procured 
 that settlement for him), hinting, ui pretty 
 plain terms, that the old gentleman's soul 
 was damned to all eternity for his injustice 
 in neglecting to pay for my learning. This 
 brutal behaviour, added to the sufterings I had 
 formerly undergone made me think it high 
 time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue. 
 Having consulted my adherents, I found them 
 all staunch in then- promises to stand by me ; 
 and our scheme was this : — In the afternoon 
 preceding the day of our departure for the Uni- 
 versity, I resolved to take the advantage of the 
 usher's going out to make water (whichheregu- 
 larly did at four o'clock), and shut the great 
 door, that he might not come to the assistance of 
 his superior. This being done, the assault was 
 to bebegun,by myadvancingto my master and 
 spitting in his face. I was to bo seconded by 
 two of the strongest boys in the school, who 
 were devoted to me ; their business was to 
 join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, 
 over which he was to be laid, and his bare 
 posteriors heartily flogged with his own biivh, 
 which we proposed to wrest from him in his 
 struggle ; but if we should find him too many 
 for us all three, we were to demand the assis- 
 tance of our competitors, who should be ready 
 to enforce us, cr oppose anything that might 
 be undertaken for the master's relief. One of 
 my principal assistants was called Jeremy 
 Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentle- 
 man in the neighbourhood ; and the name 
 of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a 
 family which had given shoemakers to the 
 village time out of mind. I had once saved 
 Gawky's life, by plunging into a river and 
 dragging him on shore, when he was on the 
 point of being drowned. I had often rescued 
 him from the clutches of those whom his 
 insufi"erable arrogance had provoked to a re- 
 sentment he was not able to sustain ; and 
 many time saved his reputation and pos- 
 teriors, by performing his exercises at school ; 
 so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had 
 a particular regard for me and my interests. 
 The attachment of Strap flowed from a volun- 
 tary, disinterested inclination, which had 
 manifested itself on many occasions in my 
 behalf, he having once rendered me the same 
 service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving 
 my life at the risk of his own ; and often 
 fathered offences that I had committed, for 
 which he suffered severely, rather than I 
 should feel the weight of the punishment I 
 deserved. These two champions were the • 
 
10 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 more •wining to engage in this enterprise, be- 
 cause they intended to leave the school next 
 day, as well as I ; the first being ordered by 
 his father to return into the country, and the 
 other being bound apprentice to a barber, at 
 a market tovni not far off. 
 
 In the meantime, my uncle, being informed 
 of my master's behaviour to me, was enraged 
 at his rasolence, and vowed revenge so heartily 
 that I could not refrain from telling him the 
 scheme I had concerted, which he heard with 
 great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting 
 out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with to- 
 bacco, of which he constantly chewed a large 
 quid. At last, puUiug up his breeches, he 
 cried, ' No, no, z — ds ! that won't do neither ; 
 howsomever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad, 
 that I must say, i'faith ; but lookee, lookee, 
 how do you propose to get clear off — won't 
 the enemy give chase, my boy ? — ay, ay, that 
 he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast ; 
 ah ! God help thee, more sail than ballast, 
 Eory . Let me alone for that — leave the whole 
 to me. I'll show him the foretopsaU, I wUl. 
 If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and 
 won't flinch, you shall see, you shall see ; 
 egad, I'll play him such a salt-water trick — 
 I'll bring him to the gangway, and anoint him 
 with a cat-and-nine-tails ; he shall have a 
 round dozen doubled, my lad, he shall — and 
 bo left lashed to his meditations.' We were 
 very proud of our associate, who immediately 
 went to work, and prepared the instrument 
 of his revenge with great skill and expedition; 
 after which, he ordered our baggage to be 
 packed up and sent off, a day before our at- 
 tempt, and got hor.ses ready to be mounted, 
 as soon as the affair should be over. At 
 length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, 
 seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, 
 bolted in, secured the door, and immediately 
 laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who 
 bawled out, ' Murder, Thieves I' with the 
 voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled all 
 over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no 
 time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and 
 summoned our associates to our assistance. 
 Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the 
 signal, and seeing mo leap upon the master's 
 back, ran immediately to one of his legs, 
 which pulling with all his force, this dreadful 
 adversary was humbled to the ground ; upon 
 which Gawk.y, who had hitherto remained iia 
 his place, under the influence of a universal 
 trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, 
 and insulted the fallen tj'rant with a loud 
 huzza, in which the whole school joined. The 
 noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself 
 shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and 
 partly by entreaties, to procure admission. 
 My uncle bade him have a little patience, and 
 he would let him in presently ; but if he pre- 
 tended to stir from that place, it should fare 
 the worse with the son of a bitch his superior, 
 on whom he intended only to bestow a little 
 wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous 
 usage of Eory, ' to which,' said he, ' you are 
 
 no stranger.' By this time we had dragged 
 the criminal to a post; to which BowUng tied 
 him with a rope he had provided on purpose; 
 after having secured his hands and stripped 
 his back. In this ludicrous posture he stood 
 (to the no small entertainment of the boys, 
 who crowded about him, and shouted with 
 great exultation at the novelty of the siglit), 
 venting bitter imprecations against the lieu- 
 tenant, and reproaching his scholars with 
 treachery and rebellion ; when the usher was 
 admitted, whom my tmcle accosted in this 
 manner : ' Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you 
 are an honest man, d'ye see — and I have a 
 respect for you — but for all that, we must, for 
 our own security, d'ye see, belay you for a 
 short time.' With these words, ho pulled out 
 some fathoms of cord, which the honest man 
 no sooner saw than he protested with great 
 earnestness he would allow no violence to be 
 offered to him, at the same time accusing mo 
 of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling re- 
 presenting that it was in vain to resist, and 
 that ho did not mean to use him with violence 
 and indecency, but only to hinder him from 
 raising the hue and cry against us before we 
 should be out of their power, he allowed him- 
 self to be bound to his own desk, where he 
 sat a spectator of the pimishment inflicted on 
 his principal. My uncle, having upbraided 
 this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to 
 me, told him, that he proposed to give him a 
 little discipline for the good of his soul, which 
 he immediately put in practice, with great 
 vigour and dexterity. This smart application 
 to the pedant's ^vithered posteriors gave him 
 such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad 
 btill, danced, cursed, and blasphemed, like 
 a frantic bedlamite. Wlicn the lieutenant 
 thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took 
 his leave of him in these words : ' Now, friend, 
 you'll remember me the longest day you have 
 to live; I have given you a lesson that will 
 let you know what flogging is, and teach you 
 to have more sympathy for the future. Shout, 
 boys, shout !' 
 
 This ceremony was no sooner over than my 
 uncle proposed they should quit the school, 
 and convey their old comrade Rory to a 
 public-house, about a mile from the village, 
 where he would treat thorn all. His offt^r 
 being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself 
 to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany 
 us ; but this invitation he refused with great 
 disdain, telling my benefactor he was not the 
 man he took him to be. ' Well, well, old 
 surly,' replied my uncle, shaking his hand, 
 ' thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding ; 
 and if ever I have the command of a ship, 
 thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i' faith.' So 
 saying he dismissed the boys, and locking the 
 door, left the two preceptors to console one 
 another; while we moved forwards on our 
 journey, attended by a numerous retinue, 
 whom he treated according to his promise. 
 
 We parted with many tears, and lay that 
 night at an inn on the road, about ten miles 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 II 
 
 Bhort of tlie town -where I wfis to remain, at 
 which we arrived next day, and I found I had 
 no cause to complain of the accommodations 
 provided for me, in being boarded at the 
 house of an apothecary, who had married a 
 distant relation of my mother. In a few days 
 after, my uncle set out for his ship, having 
 settled the necessary funds for my mainte- 
 nance and education. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 I malce great progress in. my Studies — am 
 caressed by Everybody — my female Cmisuis 
 take Notice of me — I reject their Inintation 
 — they are incensed, and coyispire against 
 me — am left destitute by a Misfortune that 
 befalls my Uncle — Gau'ky's Treachery — my 
 Revenge, 
 
 AS I was now capable of reflection, I began 
 to consider my precarious situation ; 
 that I was utterly abandoned by those whose 
 duty it was to protect me ; and that my sole 
 dependence was on the generosity of one 
 man, who was not only exposed by his pro- 
 fession to continual dangers, which might 
 one day deprive me of him for ever ; but also 
 (no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of 
 disposition which a change of fortune usually 
 creates, or which a better acquaintance with 
 the world might produce; for I always 
 ascribed liis benevolence to the dictates of a 
 heart as yet undebauched by a commerce 
 with mankind. Alarmed at these considera- 
 tions, I resolved to apply myself A^ath great 
 care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity 
 in my power : this I did with such success 
 that, in the space of three years, I understood 
 Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in 
 the mathematics, and no stranger to moral 
 and natural philosophy : logic I made no 
 account of; but, above all things, I valued 
 myself on my taste in the belles lettres, and a 
 talent for poetry, which ha<l already produced 
 some pieces that had met with a favotirablo 
 reception. These qualifications, added to a 
 good face and shape, acquired the esteem and 
 acquaintance of the most considerable people 
 in town, and I had the satisfaction to find 
 myself in some degree of favour with the 
 ladies ; an intoxicating piece of good fortune 
 to one of my amorous complexion ! which I 
 obtained, or at least preserved, by prratifying 
 their propensity to scandal, in lampooning 
 their rivals. 
 
 Two of my female cousins lived in this 
 place, with their mother, since the death of 
 their father, who left his whole fortune 
 equally divided between them ; so that, if 
 they were not the most beautiful, they were 
 at least the richest toasts in town ; and re- 
 ceived daily the addresses of all the beaux 
 and cavaliers of the country. Although I 
 had hitherto been looked vipon by them with 
 the most supercilious contempt, my character 
 xiow attracted their notice so much that I 
 
 was given to understand I might be honoiired 
 with their acquaintance, if I pleased. 
 
 The reader wiU easily perceive that this 
 condescension either flowed from the hope of 
 making my poetical Cipacity subservient to 
 their malice, or at least of screening them- 
 selves from the lash of my resentment, which 
 they had efiFectually provoked. I enjoyed this 
 triumph with great satisfaction, and not only 
 rejected their ofi'er with disdain, but in all 
 my performances, whether satire or pane- 
 gyric, industriously avoided mentioning their 
 names, even while I celebrated those of their 
 intimates : this neglect mortified their pride 
 exceedingly, and incensed them to such a 
 degree that they were resolved to make me 
 repent of my indifference. The first stroke 
 of their revenge consisted in their hiring a 
 poor collegian to write verses against me, 
 the subject of which was my own poverty, 
 and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents ; 
 but, besides the badness of the composition 
 (of which they themselves were ashamed), 
 they did not find their account in endeavour- 
 ing to reproach me with those misfortunes 
 which they and their relations had brought 
 upon me ; and which consequently reflected 
 much more dishonour on themselves than on 
 me, who was the innocent victim of their 
 barbarity and avarice. 
 
 Finding this plan miscarry, they found 
 means to irritate a young gentleman against 
 mo, by telling him I had lampooned his 
 mistress ; and so effectually succeeded in the 
 quality of incendiaries that this enraged lover 
 determined to seize mo next night, as I re- 
 turned to my lodgings from a friend's house 
 that I frequented : with this view, he waited 
 in the street, attended by two of his com- 
 panions, to whom he had imparted his design 
 of carrying mo down to the river, in which 
 he proposed to have me heartily ducked, not- 
 withstanding the severity of the weather, it 
 being then about the middle of December. 
 But this stratagem did not succeed; for, 
 being apprised of their ambush, I got home 
 another way, and by the help of my land- 
 lord's apprentice, discharged a volley from 
 the garret window, which did great execution 
 upon them, and next day occasioned so much 
 mirth at their expense that they found them- 
 selves under a necessity of leaving the 
 to-\vn, until the adventure should be entirely 
 forgotten. 
 
 My cousins (though twice baffled in their 
 expectation) did not, however, desist from 
 persecuting mo, who had now enraged them 
 beyond a possibility of forgiveness by detect- 
 ing their maUce and preventing its effects : 
 neither should I have foimd them more hu- 
 mane, had I patiently submitted to their ran- 
 cour, and borne without murmuring the rigour 
 of their unreasonable hate ; for I have found 
 by experience, that though small favours may 
 be acknowledged and slight injuries atoned, 
 there is no -wretch so ungrateful as he whom 
 you have most generously obliged, and no 
 
12 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 enemy so implacable as those who have done 
 you the greatest ■wrong. These good-natured 
 creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme 
 which conspired with a piece of bad news I 
 soon after received, to give them all the satis- 
 faction they desired : this plan was to debauch 
 the faith of my companion and confidant, who 
 betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by im- 
 parting to them the particulars of my small 
 amours, which they published with such exag- 
 gerations that I suffered very much in tha 
 opinion of everybody, and was utterly discard- 
 ed by the dear creatures whose names had 
 been called in question. 
 
 While I was busy in tracing out the author 
 of this treachery, that I might not only be 
 revenged on him, but also vindicate my cha- 
 racter to ray friends, I one day perceived the 
 looks of my landlady much altered, when I 
 went home to my dinner, and inquiring into 
 the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fix- 
 ing her eyes on the ground, told me her hus- 
 band had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, 
 with one inclosed for me. She was very sorry 
 for what had happened, both for my sake and 
 his own — people should bo more cautious of 
 their conduct — she was always afraid his bru- 
 tal behaviour would bring him into some mis- 
 fortune or other. As for her part, she should bo 
 very ready to befriend me ; but she had a small 
 family of her own to maintain. The world 
 would do nothing for her if she should come to 
 Avant — charity begins at homo : she wished I 
 had been bound to some substantial handicraft, 
 such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather than 
 loiter away my time in learning foolish non- 
 sense, that would never bring me in a penny — 
 but some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. 
 
 I was listening to this mysterious discourse 
 with great amazement, when her husband en- 
 tered, and, without speaking a syllable, put 
 both the letters into my hand. I received 
 them trembling, and read what follows : 
 ' To Mr. Roger Potion. 
 
 ♦Sir, 
 
 ' This is to let you know that I have quitted 
 the Thxinder man of war, being obliged to 
 Siicer olf for killing my captain, which I did 
 fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the 
 Island of Hispaniola ; having received his fire 
 and returned it, which went through his body : 
 and I would serve the best man so that over 
 stepped between stem and stern, if so be that 
 ho struck mo, as Captain Oakum did. I am 
 (tliank God) safe among the French, who are 
 very civil, thof I don't understand their lingo ; 
 and I hope to be restored in a little time, for 
 all the great friends and parliamentary inte- 
 rest of the captain, for I have sent over to my 
 landlord in Deal an account of the whole af- 
 fair, with our bearings and distances while wo 
 were engaged, whereby I have desired him to 
 lay it before his majesty, who (God bless him) 
 will not suffer an honest tar to bo wronged. 
 My love to your spouse, and am your loving 
 Mend and servant to command, while 
 
 'Thomas Bowling.' 
 
 ' To Roderick Random. 
 
 ' Dear Rory, 
 
 ' Don't be grieved at my misfortune, but 
 mind your book, my lad. I have got no money 
 to send you, but what of that P Mr. Potion 
 will take care of you for the love he bears to 
 me, and let you want for nothing ; and it 
 shall go hard but 1 will see him one day re- 
 paid. No more at present, but rests 
 ' Your dutiful imcle 
 
 ' and servant, till death, 
 
 'Thomas Bowling.' 
 
 This letter (which, with the other, was dated 
 from Port Louis, in Hispaniola) I had no 
 sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his 
 head, began : ' I have a very great regard for 
 Mr. Bowling that's certain ; and could be well 
 content — but times are very hard. There's no 
 such thing as money to be got ; I believe 'tis 
 all vanished under ground, for my part. Be- 
 sides, I have been out of pocket already, having 
 entertained you since the beginning of this 
 month, without receiving a sixpence, and God 
 knov.^s if ever I shall ; for I believe it will go 
 hard with your uncle. And more than that, 
 I was thinking of giving you warning, for I 
 want your apartment for a new 'prentice, 
 whom I expect from the country every hour. 
 So I desire you will this week ^jrovide your- 
 self .with another lodging.' 
 
 The indignation which this harangue in- 
 spired gave me spirits to support my reverse 
 of fortune, and to tell him I despised his 
 mean selfish disposition so much that I would 
 rather starve than be beholden to him for one 
 single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket 
 money, I paid him to the last farthing of 
 what I owed, and assured him, I Avould not 
 sleep another night under his roof. 
 
 This said, I sallied out in a transport of 
 rage and sorrow, without knowing whither 
 to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the 
 world capable of relieving me, and only three 
 shillings in my purse. After giving way for 
 a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I 
 went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate 
 of one shilling and sixpence per week, which 
 I was obliged to pay per advance, before the 
 landlord would receive me : thither I removed 
 my luggage ; and next morning got up, with 
 a view of craving the advice and assistance 
 of a person who had on all occasions loaded 
 me with caresses and made frequent offers of 
 friendship, while I was under no necessity of 
 accepting them. He received me with his 
 wonted affability, and insisted on my break- 
 fasting with him, a favour which I did not 
 think fit to refuse. But when I communicated 
 the occasion of my visit, he appeared so dis- 
 concerted that I concluded him wonderfully 
 atfcctod with the misery of my contlition, and 
 looked upon him as a man of the most exten- 
 sive sympathy and benevolence. He did not 
 leave me long under this mistake; for, re- 
 covering himself fr«m his confusion, he told 
 me he was grieved at my misfortune, and 
 desired to know Vr^hat had passed between 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 13 
 
 mj' landlord, Mr. Potion, and me. Wliere- 
 npon I recounted tho conversation ; and, 
 ■when I repeated the answer I made to his un- 
 generous reujonstrance with regard to my 
 leaving his house, this pretended friend 
 atfected a stare, and exclaimed, ' Is it possible 
 you could behave so ill to the man who had 
 treated you so kindly all along ? ' 
 
 My surprise at hearing this was not at all 
 affected, whatever his might be ; and I gave 
 him to understand with some warmth, that T 
 did not imagine he would so unreasonably 
 espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought 
 to be expelled from every social community. 
 This heat of mine gave him all the a Ivantago 
 he desired over me, and our discourse, after 
 much altercation, concluded in his desiring 
 never to see me again in that place ; to which 
 desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, 
 that, had I been as well acquainted with his 
 principles formerly as I was now, he never 
 should have had an opportunity of making 
 tljat request. And thus we parted. 
 
 Un my return, I met my comrade. Squire 
 Gawky, whom his father had sent, some time 
 ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, 
 dancing, fencing, and other modish qualifi- 
 cations. As I had lived with him since his 
 arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I 
 made no scruple of informing him of the 
 lowncss of my circumstances, and asking a 
 small supjjly of money, to answer my present 
 expense ; upon which ho pidlod out a hand- 
 ful of halfpence with a shilling or two 
 among them, and swore that was all he had 
 to keep his jiocket till next quarter-day, he 
 having lost the greatest part of his allowance 
 tho night before at billiards. Though this 
 assertion might very well bo true, I wius ex- 
 tremely mortitted at his indifference ; for he 
 neither expressed any sympathy for my mis- 
 hap nor desire of alleviating my disti'oss ; and 
 accordingly I left him without uttering one 
 word : but, when I afterwards understood 
 that he was the person who had formerly 
 betrayed me to tho malice of my cousins, to 
 whom likewise ho had carried the tidings of 
 my forlorn situation, which afforded them 
 great matter of triumph and exultation, I de- 
 termined Avith myself to call him to a severe 
 account : for which purpose I borrowed a 
 sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him 
 to meet me at a certain time and place, that 
 I might have an opportunity of punishing 
 his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. Ho 
 accepted the invitation, and I betook myself 
 to the field, though not without feeling con- 
 siderable repugnance to the combat, which 
 frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the 
 way ; but the desire of revenge, the shame of 
 retracting, and hope of conquest, conspii-ed 
 to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear; and 
 I appeared on the plain with a good grace : 
 there I waited an hour beyond the time 
 appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he 
 had no mind to meet me, because I should 
 have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, 
 
 displaying my own courage, and of beating 
 him soundly wheresoever 1 should find, with- 
 out any dread of tho consequence. 
 
 Elevated with these sugf^estions, which en- 
 tirely banished all thoiights of my dci>lorablo 
 condition, I wont directly to Gawky's lodgings, 
 where I was informed of his precipitate 
 retreat, he having set out for the counti-y in 
 less than an hour after ho had received my 
 billet; and I was vain enough to have tho 
 whole story inserted in the news, although I 
 was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my land- 
 lord for less than half-price, to defray tho 
 expenses and contribute to my subsistence. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 I am entertained by Mr. Crah — a desa-iplion 
 of . him — I acquire the Art of Surgery — 
 consult Crab's Disposition — become neces- 
 sary to him — an Accident happens — he 
 advises me to launch out into the world — 
 assists me xoith Money — I set out for London. 
 
 THE fumes of my resentment being dissi- 
 pated, as well as the vanity of my success, 
 I found myself deserted to all the horrors of 
 extreme want, and avoided by mankind as a 
 creature of a difl'erent species, or rather as a 
 solitary being, no ways comprehended within 
 the scheme or protection of Providence. My 
 despair had rendered me almost quite stulti- 
 fied, when I was one tlay told, that a gontlcmau 
 desired to see mo at a certain public-house, 
 whither immediately I repaired ; and was in- 
 troduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon 
 in town, who was engaged with two moro 
 in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed 
 by mixing a cpiartern of brandy with a quart 
 of small beer. Before I relate the occasion 
 of this message, I believe it will not bo dis- 
 agreeable to the reader, if I describe tho 
 gentleman who sent for me, and mention 
 some circumstances of his character and con- 
 duct which may illustrate what follows, and 
 account for his behaviour to me. 
 
 This member of tho faculty was aged fifty, 
 about five feet high, and ten round the belly ; 
 his face was as capacious as a full moon, and 
 much of tho complexion of a mulberry : his 
 nose, resembling a powder-horn, was swelled 
 fro an enormous size, and studded all over 
 with carbuncles ; and his little gray eyes re- 
 flected tho rays in such an oblique manner 
 that, while he looked a person full in the face, 
 one would have imagined ho was admiring 
 the buckle of his shoe. Ho had long enter- 
 tained an implacable resentment against 
 Potion, who, though a younger practitioner, 
 was better employed than he, and once had 
 the assurance to perform a cure, whereby ho 
 disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of 
 the said Crab. This quarrel, which was at 
 one time upon the point of being made up, by 
 the interposition and mediation of friends, 
 had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility 
 of reconciliation by the respective wives of 
 
14 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a 
 christening, disagreed about precedence, pro- 
 ceeded from invectives to blows, and were 
 Avith great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented 
 from converting the occasion of joy into a 
 scene of lamentation. 
 
 The difference betAveen these rivals was in 
 the height of rancour, when I received the 
 message of Crab, who received mo as civilly 
 as I could have expected from one of his dis- 
 position ; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired 
 into the particulars of my leaving the house 
 of Potion ; which when I had related, he said, 
 with a malicious grin, ' There's a sneaking 
 dog ! I always thought him a fellow without 
 a soul, d — n me, — a canting scoundrel, who 
 has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and 
 kissing the a — e of ev^ery body.' — 'Ay, ay,' 
 says another, ' one might see with half an eye 
 that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his 
 going so regularly to church.' 
 
 This sentence was confirmed by a third, 
 who assured his companions that Potion was 
 never kno\vn to be disguised in liquor but 
 once, at a meeting of the godly, where he 
 had distinguished himself by an extempore 
 prayer an hour long. After this preamble, 
 Crab addressed himself to me in these words : 
 ' Well, my lad, I have heard a good character 
 of you, and I'll do for j-ou. You may send 
 your tilings to my house when you please. 
 I have given orders for your reception. 
 Zounds ! What docs the booby stare at ? If 
 you have no mind to embrace my courteous 
 offer, you may lot it alone, and be d — d.' I 
 answered with a submissive bow, that I was 
 far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I 
 would immediately accept, as soon as he 
 shoLild inform mo on what footing I was to 
 be entertained. ' What footing ! d — n my 
 blood,' cried he, ' d'ye expect to have a foot- 
 man and a couple of horses kept for you P' — 
 ' No, sir,' I replied, ' my expectations are not 
 quite so sanguine. That I may be as little 
 burthensome as possible, I woidd willingly 
 serve in your shop, by which means I may 
 save you the expense of a journeyman, or 
 porter at least, for I understand a little phar- 
 macy, having employed some of my leisure 
 hours in the practice of that art, while I lived 
 with Mr. Potion ; neither am I altogether 
 ignorant of surgery, which I have studied 
 witli great pleasure and application.' — ' Oho I 
 you did,' says Crab. ' Gentlemen, here is a 
 comjilete artist ! Studied surgery ! what ? in 
 books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing 
 with me one of these days on points of my 
 profession. You can already account for mus- 
 cular motion, I warrant, and explain the 
 myst(5ry of the brain and nerves — ha ! You 
 are too learned for me, d — n me. But let's 
 have no more of this stuff. Can you bleed 
 and give a clj-ster, spread a plaster, and pre- 
 pare a potion !-' Upon my answering in the 
 atHrmative, he shook his head, telling me, he 
 believed lie should have little good of me, for 
 all my promises ; but, however, he would take 
 
 me in for the sake of charity. I was accord- 
 ingly that very night admitted to his house, 
 and had an apartment assigned to me in the 
 garret, which I was fain to put up with, not- 
 withstanding the mortification my pride suf- 
 fered in this change of circumstances. 
 
 I was soon convinced of the real motives 
 which induced Crab to receive me in this 
 mtmner ; for, besides the gratification of his 
 revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his 
 antagonist, in opposition to his own gene- 
 rosity, which was all affectation, he had occa- 
 sion for a young man who understood some- 
 thing of the profession, to fill up the place of 
 his eldest apprentice, latelj' dead, not Avithout 
 violent suspicion of foul play from his mas- 
 ter's brutality. The knowledge of this cir- 
 : cumstance, together with his daily behaviour 
 to his wife and the young apprentice, did not 
 at all contribute to my enjoying my new 
 situation with ease ; however, as I did not 
 perceive how I could bestow myself to better 
 advantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper 
 with all the application, and manage it Avith 
 all the address in my poAver. And it Avas not 
 long before I found out a strange peculiarity 
 of humour Avhich governed his beliaviour to- 
 Avards all his dependents. I observed, Avhen 
 he was pleased, he Avas such a niggard of his 
 satisfaction that, if his Avife or servants be- 
 trayed the least symptom of participation, 
 he was offended to an insupportable degree of 
 choler and fury, the effects of which they sel- 
 dom failed to feel. And when his indignation 
 was roused, submission and soothing always 
 exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason 
 and humanity. I therefore pursued a con- 
 trary plan ; and one day, when he honoured 
 me AA'ith the names of ignorant whelp and lazy 
 ragamuflin, I boldly replied, I was neither ig- 
 noi'ant nor lazy, since I both understood and 
 performed my business as Avell as he could do 
 for his soul ; neither was it just to call me 
 ragamuffin, for I had a Avhole coat on my liack, 
 and was descended from a better family than 
 any he could boast an alliance with. 
 
 lie gave tokens of great amazement at this 
 assurance of mine, and shook his cane over 
 my head, regarding me all the time Avith a 
 countenance truly diabolical. Although I 
 was terribly startled at his menacing looks 
 and posture. I yet had reflection enough left 
 to couAance me I had gone too far to retract, 
 and that this was the critical minute which 
 must decide my future lot in his serAice ; I 
 therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, 
 and swore, if he offered to strike me Avithout 
 a cause, I should see whether his skull or my 
 weapon was hardest. 
 
 He continued silent for some time, and at 
 last broke forth into these ejaculations : ' This 
 is fine usage from a servant to his master — 
 very fine ! damnation ! but no matter, you 
 shall pay for this, you dog, you shall ; I'll do 
 your business — yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift 
 your hand against me.' So saying, he retired, 
 and left mo under dreadful apprehensions, 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 15 
 
 which vanished entirely at our next meeting, 
 when ho behaved with unusual complacency, 
 and treated mo with a glass of punch after 
 dinner. 
 
 By this conduct I got the ascendancy over 
 him in a short time, and became so necessary 
 to him, in managing his business while he was 
 engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to 
 wear a kinder aspect ; and I consoled myself 
 for the disregard of my former acquaintance, 
 with the knowlede"e I daily imbibed by a close 
 application to the duties of my employment, 
 in which I succeeded beyond my own expec- 
 tation. I was on very good terms with my 
 master's wife, Avhose esteem I acquireil and 
 cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the 
 most ridiculous lights my satirical talents 
 coixld invent, as well as by rendering her 
 some Christian offices, when she had been to© 
 familiar with the dram bottle, to which she 
 had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under 
 the affliction she suffered from a barbarous 
 husband. 
 
 In this manner I lived, without hearing the 
 least tidings of my uncle for the space of two 
 years, during which time I kept Uttle or no 
 company, being neither in a humour to relish 
 nor in a capacity to maintain much acquain- 
 tance; for the Nabal my master allowed me 
 no wages, and the small perquisites of my 
 station scarcely supplied me with the common 
 necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert 
 unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular ap- 
 plause, and elevated with the extravagance of 
 hope : my misfortunes had taught me how 
 little the caresses of the world, diu-ing a mau's 
 prosperitj', are to be valued by him ; and how 
 seriou-sly and expeditiously he ought to set 
 about making himself independent of them. 
 My present appearance, therefore, was the 
 least of my care, which was wholly engrossed 
 in laying up a stock of instruction that might 
 secure me against the caprice of fortune for 
 the future. I became such a sloven, and con- 
 tracted such an air of austerity, tliat every- 
 body pronounced mo crestfallen ; and Gawky 
 retiu-ned to town without ruiming any risk 
 from my resentment, which was by this time 
 pretty much cooled, and restrained by pru- 
 dential reasons so effectually that I never so 
 much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for 
 the injuries he had done me. 
 
 When I deemed myself sufficiently master 
 of my business I began to cast about for an 
 opportunity of launching into the world, in 
 hoi>o of finding some provision that might 
 make amends for the difficulties I had under- 
 gone ; but, as this could not be effected with- 
 out a small sum of money to equip mo for the 
 field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to 
 raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own 
 sake, would never put mo in a condition to 
 leave him, when his interest was so much con- 
 cerned in my stay. Biat a small accident, 
 which happened aXout this time, determined 
 him in my favour. This was no other than 
 the pregnancy of his maidservant, who de- 
 
 clared her situation to me, assuring mo at the 
 same time that I was the occasion of it. 
 
 Although I had no reason to question the 
 truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant 
 of the familiarities which had passed between 
 her master and her, taking the advantage of 
 which I represented to her the folly of laying 
 the biu'don at my door, when she might dis- 
 pose of it to much better purpose with 
 Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and 
 next day acquainted him with the pretended 
 success of their mutual endeavours. Ho was 
 far from being overjoyed at this proof of his 
 vigour, which he foresaw might have very 
 troublesome consequences ; not that he dread- 
 ed any domestic grumblings and reproaches 
 trom his wife, whom he kept in perfect sub- 
 jection ; but because he knew it would furnish 
 his rival Potion with a handle for insulting 
 and undermining his reputation, there being 
 no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in 
 the opinion of those who inhabit the part of 
 the island where ho lived. He therefore took 
 a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to 
 persuade the girl that she was not with child, 
 but only afflicted with a disorder incidental 
 to young women, which he coidd easily re- 
 move: with this view (as he pretended) ho 
 prescribed for her such medicines as ho 
 thought would infallibly procure abortion ; 
 but in this scheme ho was disappointed, for 
 tho maid, being advertised by me of his de- 
 sign, and at tlio same time well acquainted 
 with her own condition, absolutely refused to 
 follow his directions ; and threatened to pub- 
 lish her situation to the worW if ho would 
 not immediately take some method of pro- 
 viding for the important occasion, which she 
 expected in a few months. It was not long 
 before I guessed the result of his deliberation, 
 by his addressing himself to me one day in 
 this manner : ' I am surprised that a young 
 fellow like you discovers no inclination to 
 push his fortune in the world. Before I was 
 of your ago I was broiling on the coast of 
 Guinea. l3 — e ! what's to hinder you from 
 profiting by the war which will certainly be 
 declared in a short time against Sjiaiu ? You 
 may easily get on board of a king's ship in 
 quality of surgeon's nuite, where you will 
 certainly see a great deal of practice, and 
 stand a good chance of getting prize-money.' 
 
 I laid hold of this declaration, which I had 
 long wished for, and assured him I would fol- 
 low his advice with pleasure, if it were in my 
 power ; but that it was impossible for me to 
 embraco an opportunity of that kind, as I 
 had no friend to advance a little money to 
 supply me with what necessaries I should want, 
 and defray the expenses of my journey to 
 London. He told me that few necessaries 
 were required ; and, as for the expense of my 
 journey, he would lend mo money, sufficient 
 not only for that purpose, but also to main- 
 tain me comfortably in London until I should 
 procure a warrant for my provision on board 
 of some ship. 
 
16 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 I gave liim a thousand thanks for his 
 obliging offer (although I Avas very well ap- 
 prised of his motive, which was no other than 
 a design to lay the bastard to my charge a,fter 
 my departiu-e), and accordingly set out in a 
 few weeks for London ; my whole fortune 
 consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen 
 ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of 
 w^orsted and a like number of thread stock- 
 ings ; a case of pocket instruments, a small 
 edition of Horace, Wiseman's Surgery, and 
 ten guineas in cash ; for which Crab took my 
 bond, iDearing five per cent interest ; at the 
 same time giving mo a letter to a member of 
 parliament for our town, which he said would 
 do my business effectually. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 I arrive nt Newcastle — meet with my old 
 Hchoolfellotv Strap — ivc determine to ivalk 
 together to London — set out on our Journeij 
 — q)ut up at a solitary Aleliouse — are dis- 
 twrbed by a strange Adventure in the Night. 
 
 THERE is no snch convenience as a wag- 
 gon in this country, and my finances 
 were too weak to support the expense of 
 hiring a horse : I determined therefore to set 
 out with the carriers, Avho transport goods 
 from one place to another on horseback ; and 
 this scheme I accordinglj' put in execution on 
 the 1st day of September, 1739, sitting upon 
 a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of 
 which contained my goods in a knapsack. 
 But by the time we arrived at Newcastle- 
 upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the te- 
 diousness of the carriage, and benumbed 
 with the coldness of the weather, that I re- 
 solved to travel the rest of my journey on 
 foot, rather than proceed in such a disagree- 
 able manner. 
 
 The ostler of the inn at which wo put up, 
 undcrstanling I was bound for London, ad- 
 vised nio to take my passage in a collier, 
 which would be both cheap and expeditious, 
 and withal much easier than to walk upwards of 
 three hundred miles through deep roads in the 
 winter time, a journey which he liclievcd I 
 ha<l not strength enough to perform. I was 
 almost persuaded to take his advice, when one 
 day, stepping into a barber's shop to bo 
 shaved, the young man, wliilo he lathered my 
 face, accosted me thus : ' Sir, I presume you 
 are a Scotchman.' I answered in the affir- 
 mative. ' Pray,' continued he, ' from what 
 part of Scotland 'f ' I no sooner told him 
 than lie discovered great emotion, and, not 
 confining his operation to my chin and upper 
 lip, besmeared my whole face with groat agi- 
 tation. I was so offended at this profusion 
 that, starting up, I asked him what the d — 1 
 he meant by using me so F He begged par- 
 don, telling me his joy at meeting with a 
 countryman had occasioned some confusion 
 in him, and craved my name. But, when I 
 declar. d my name was Random, he exclaimed 
 
 in rapture, ' How ! Rory Random ? ' ' The 
 same,' I replied, looking at him with as- 
 tonishment. ' What ! ' cried he, ' don't you 
 know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap ? ' 
 
 At that instant recollecting his face, I flew 
 into his arms, and in the transport of my joy, 
 gave him back one-half of the suds ho had so 
 lavishly l)Cstowed on my countenance; so 
 that we made a very ludicrous appearance, 
 and furnished a great deal of mirth for his 
 master and shopmates, who were witnesses 
 of this scene. When our mutual caresses 
 were over I sat down again to be shaved, but 
 the poor fellow's nerves were so discomposed 
 by this unexpected meeting that his hand 
 could scarcely hold the razor, with which, 
 nevertheless, he found means to cut me in 
 three places in as many strokes. His master, 
 perceiving his disorder, bade another supply 
 his place, and after the operation was per- 
 formed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of 
 the day with mo. 
 
 We retired immediately to my lodgings, 
 where, calling for some beer, I desired to bo 
 informed of his adventures, which contained 
 nothing more than that, his master dying 
 before his time was out, ho had come to New- 
 castle about a year ago, in expectation of 
 joumeywork, along with three young fellows 
 of his acquaintance, who worked in tlio keels ; 
 that he had the good fortune of being cm- 
 ployed by a very civil master, with whom ho 
 intended to stay till the spring, at which timo 
 he proposed to go to London, where ho did 
 not doubt of finding encouragement. When 
 I communicated to liim my situation and 
 design, ho did not approve of my taking a 
 passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a 
 winter voyage, which is very hazardous along 
 that coast, as well as the procariousness of 
 the wind, which might possibly detain me a 
 great while, to the no small detriment of my 
 fortune ; whereas, if I would venture by land, 
 ho would bear mo company, carry my basigago 
 all the way, and, if we should bo fatigued 
 before we could perform tlie journey, it wotild 
 be no hard matter for us to find on the road 
 either return horses or waggons, of which we 
 might take the advantage for a very trilling 
 expense. 
 
 I was so ravished at this proposal that I 
 embraced him afTcction.atcly, and assured 
 him ho might command my purse to the 
 last farthing: but ho gave me to under- 
 stand he had saved money snfRcieiit to 
 answer his own occasions ; and that he had 
 a friend in London who would soon in- 
 troduce him into business in that capital, and 
 might possibly have it in his power to serve 
 me also. 
 
 Having concerted the plan and settled our 
 affairs that night, we departed next morning 
 by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each 
 (my companion being charged with the furni- 
 ture of us both, ci-ammed into one knapsack), 
 and our money sewed between the lining and 
 waistbands of our breeches, except some loose 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 17 
 
 silver for onr imme(3iate expenses on the road, 
 We travellerl all d;iy at a round pace, but, 
 bein>? ignorant of the proper stages, were be- 
 nighted at a good distance from any inn, so 
 that we wore compelled to take up our lodging 
 at a small hudgo alehouse, that stood on a by- 
 road, about half-a-mile from the highway : 
 there we found a pedlar of our own country', 
 in whose company we regaled ourselves with 
 bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before 
 a comfortable fire, conversing all the while 
 very sociably with the landlord and his 
 daughter, a hale buxom lass, who entertained 
 us with great good humour, and in whose affec- 
 tion I was vain enough to believe I had made 
 someprogress. About eight o'clock we wereall 
 three, at our own desire, shown into an apart- 
 ment furnished with two beds, in one of 
 which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, 
 and the pedlar occupied the other, though not 
 before he had prayed a considerable time 
 extempore, searched into every comer of the 
 room, and fastened the door on the inside with 
 a strong iron screw, which ho carried about 
 with him for that use. 
 
 I slept very sound till midnight, when I was 
 disturbed by a -tnolent motion of the bed, 
 which shook under mo with a continual tre- 
 mor. Alarmed at this jihenomenon, I jogged 
 my companion, whom, to my no small amaze- 
 ment, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking 
 throuirh every limb ; he told me, -svith a low 
 faltering voice, that we were undone ; for 
 there was a bloody highwayman, loaded with 
 pistols, in the next room ; then, bidding mo 
 make as little noise as jiossible, ho directed 
 mo to a small chink in the board partition, 
 through which I could see a thick-set brawny 
 fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a 
 table with our young landlady, having a bottle 
 of ale and a brace of pistols before him 
 
 I listened with great attention, and hoard 
 him say, in a tcrril)Io tone, ' D — n that son of 
 a b — h. Smack, the coachman ; he has served 
 me a fine trick, indeed ! but d — tion seize me, 
 if I <l<mt make him repent it ! I'll teach the 
 scoundrel to give intelligence to others while 
 he is under articles ^vith me.' 
 
 Our landlady endeavoured to appease this 
 exasperated robber, by saj-ing he might be 
 mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no 
 correspondence with the other gentleman that 
 robbed his coach ; and that, if an accident 
 had disappointed him to-day, he might soon 
 find opportunities enough to atone for his 
 lost trouble. ' I'll tell thee what, my dear 
 Bet,' replied he, ' I never had, nor ever shall, 
 while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious 
 booty as I missed to-day. Z — ds ! there was 
 .£400 in cash to recruit men for the king's 
 service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, 
 and money belonging to the passengers. 
 Had it been my fortune to have got clear off 
 with so much treasure, I would have pur- 
 chased a commission in the army, and made 
 yon an officer's lady, yon jade, I would.' 
 ' Well, well,* cries Betty, ' we must trust to 
 
 Providence for that. But did you find nothing 
 worth taking which escaped the other gentle- 
 men of the road ? ' ' Not much, faith,' said 
 the lover ; ' I gleaned a few things, such as a 
 pair of pops, silver mounted (hei-e they are) ; 
 I took them loaded from the captain who had 
 the charge of the money, together with a 
 gold watch which ho had concealed in his 
 breeches. I likewise found ten Portugal 
 pieces in the shoes of a quakcr, whom tlio 
 spirit moved to revile mo with great bitter- 
 ness and devotion ; but what I value myself 
 mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuff- 
 box, my girl, with a picture on the inside of 
 the lid ; which I untied out of the tail of a 
 pretty lady's smock.' 
 
 Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar 
 snored so loud, that the highAvayman, snatch- 
 ing his pistols, started up, crying, ' Hell and 
 d — n — n ! I am betrayed ! Who's that in tho. 
 next room ? ' Mrs. Betty told him ho need 
 not bo uneasy ; there were only three poor 
 wearied travellers, Avho, missing the road, 
 had taken up their lodgings in the house, and 
 were asleep long ago. ' Travellers,' says he, 
 ' spies, you b — ch ! But no matter : I'll send 
 them all to hell in an instant.' He accord- 
 ingly ran towards our door ; when his sweet- 
 heart interposing, assured him, there was 
 only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who 
 were too raw and ignorant to give him tho 
 least cause of suspicion ; and the third was a 
 Presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who 
 had often lodged in tho house before. 
 
 This declaration satisfied the thief, who 
 .swore he was glatl there was a pedlar, for ho 
 wanted somo linen. Then, in a jovial manner, 
 he put about the glass, mingling his discourse 
 to Betty with caresses and familiarities, that 
 spoke him very happy in his amours. During 
 that part of tho conversation which regarded 
 us, Strap had crept under tho bed, where ho 
 lay in the agonies of fear ; so that it was with 
 greatdifficulty I persuaded him our danger was 
 over, and prevailed on him to awake the pedlar, 
 and inform him of what he had seen and 
 heard. 
 
 Tho itinerant merchant no sooner felt 
 somebody shaking him by the shoulder, than 
 he started up, called, as loud as he could, 
 ' Thieves, thieves! Lord have mercy upon us ! ' 
 And Rifle, alarmed at thisexclamation, jumped 
 up, cocked one of his pi.stols, and turned 
 towards tho door to kill the first man that 
 should enter ; for he verily believed himself 
 beset ; when his Dulcinea, after an immo- 
 derate fit of laughter, persuaded him that tho 
 poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had oidy 
 cried out in his sleep. 
 
 Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our 
 fellow-lodger, and informed him of his reason 
 for disturbing him ; upon which, getting up 
 softly, he peeped through the hole, and was so 
 terrified with what ho saw, that, falling dow!i 
 on his bare knees, he put up a long petition 
 to Heaven to deliver him from the hands of 
 that rufiian, and promised never to defraud a 
 
18 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 customer for tho future of the value of a pin's 
 point, provided ho might be rescued from the 
 present danger. Whether or not his dis- 
 burthening his conscience afforded him any 
 ease I knew not, but he slipped into bed 
 again, and lay very quiet until the robber and 
 his mistress were asleep, and snored in con- 
 cert ; then, rising softly, he untied a rope 
 that was round his pack, which making fast 
 to one end of it, he opened the window with 
 as little noise as possible, and lowered his 
 goods into the yard with great dexterity : 
 then he moved gently to our bedside and bade 
 us farewell, telling us that, as we ran no risk, 
 we might take our rest with great confidence, 
 and in the morning assure the landlord that 
 we knew nothing of his escape ; and, lastly, 
 shaking us by the hands, and AAdshing us all 
 manner of success, he let himself drop from 
 the window without any danger, for the 
 ground was not above a yard from his feet as 
 he hung on the outside. 
 
 Although I did not think proper to accom- 
 pany him in his flight, I was not at all free 
 fi-om apprehension when 1 reflected on what 
 might be the effect of the highwayman'sdisap- 
 pointment ; as he certainly intended to make 
 free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my 
 companion at more ease in his mind, but, on 
 the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful 
 idea of Eifle, that ho solicited me strongly to 
 follow our countryman's example, and so 
 elude the fatal resentment of that terrible 
 adventurer, who would certainly WTcak his 
 vengeance on us as accomplices of tho pedlar's 
 elopement. But I represented to him tho 
 danger of giving Rifle cause to think wo 
 knew his profession, and suggested that, if 
 ever he should meet us again on the road, ho 
 would look upon us as dangerous acquaint- 
 ance, and find it his interest to put us out of 
 the way. I told him, withal, my confidence 
 in Betty's good nature, in which he acqui- 
 esced ; and during the remaining part of tho 
 night we concerted a proper method of 
 behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the 
 morning. 
 
 It was no sooner day than Betty, entering 
 our chamber, and perceiving our mndow 
 open, cried out, ' Odds-bobs ! sure you Scotch- 
 men must have hot constitutions to lie all 
 night with the window open in such cold 
 weather.' I feigned to start out of sleep, and, 
 Vy-ithdrawing tho curtain, called, ' What's the 
 matter ? ' When she showed me, I affected 
 surprise, and said, ' Bless me ! tho window 
 was shut when we went to bed.' ' 111 be 
 hanged,' said she, 'if Sawiiey Waddle, the 
 pedlar, has not got up in a dream and done 
 it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his 
 sleep. Sure I put a chamberpot under hia 
 bod ! ' 
 
 With those words she advanced to the bed 
 in wliieh ho lay, and, finding the sheets cold, 
 exclaimed, ' Good lackadaisy ! tlie rogue is 
 ilcd ! ' ' Pled ! ' cried I, with feigned amaze- 
 ment, ' God forbid ! Sure he has not robbed us !' 
 
 Then, springing^up, I laid hold of my breeches, 
 and emptied all my loose money into my 
 hand ; which having reckoned, I said, ' Heaven 
 be praised, our money is all safe ! Strap, 
 look to tho knapsack.' He did so, and found 
 all was right. Upon which we asked, with 
 seeming concern, if he had stolen nothing be- 
 longing to the house. ' No, no,' replied she, 
 *he has stole nothing but his reckoning;' 
 which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot 
 to discharge in the midst of his devotio:i. 
 
 Betty, after a moment's pause, withdrew, 
 and immediately we could hear her waken 
 Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight, 
 than he jumped out of bed and di*essed, vent- 
 ing a thousand execrations, and vowing 
 to murder the pedlar if ever he should set 
 eyes on him again : ' For,' said he, ' the 
 scoundrel has by this time raised the hue 
 and cry against me.' 
 
 Having dressed himself in a hurry, he 
 mounted his horse, and for that time rid us 
 of his company and a thousand feao that 
 were the consequence of it. 
 
 WhUe we were at breakfast, Betty endea- 
 voured, by all the cunning she was mistress 
 of, to learn whether or no wo suspected our 
 fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse ; but, 
 as we were on our guard, we answered her 
 sly questions with a simplicity she could not 
 distrust ; when, aU of a sudden, we heard tho 
 trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This 
 noiso alarmed Strap so much, whose imagina- 
 tion was wholly engrossed by the imago of 
 Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as 
 milk, he cried, ' Lord ! there is the high- 
 wayman returned !' 
 
 Our landlady, staring at these words, said, 
 ' What higlnvajTiian, young man ? i)o you 
 think any highwaymen harbour here ?' 
 
 Though I was very much disconcerted at 
 this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had 
 presence of mind enough to tell her W9 had 
 met a horseman the day before, whom Strap 
 had foolishly supposed to bo a highwayman, 
 because he rode with pistols ; and tliat ho 
 had been terrified at the sound of a horse's 
 feet ever since. 
 
 She forced a smile at the ignorance and 
 timidity of my comrade ; but I could per- 
 ceive, not without great concern, that this 
 account was not at till satisfactory to her. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Wc 2)rocced on our Journey — are overtal^en by 
 a Highwayman, who Jires at Straj:) — is pre- 
 vented from slwoting me hy a Comjiany oj 
 Horsemen, v:ho ride in pnrs^dt of him — 
 Strap is put to Bed at an Inn — Adventures 
 at that Inn. 
 
 AFTER having paid our score and taken 
 leave of our hostess, who embraced me 
 tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our 
 journey, blessing ourselves that we had como 
 off so well. We had not walked above five 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 19 
 
 miles, when we observed a man on horseback 
 galloping after us, whom we in a short time 
 recognised to be no other than this formida- 
 ble hero who had already given us so much 
 vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked 
 if I knew who he was ? My astonishment 
 had disconcerted me so much that I did not 
 hear his question, which he repeated with a 
 volley of oaths and threats ; but I remained 
 as mute as before. 
 
 Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon 
 his knees in the mud, uttering, with a lamen- 
 table voice, these words : ' For Ch — st's sake, 
 have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle ! we know you 
 very well.' ' Uho !' cried the thief, ' you do ! 
 But you never shall be evidence against me 
 in this world, you dog !' So saying, he drew 
 a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate 
 shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without 
 speaking one word. 
 
 My comrade's fate and my own situation 
 riveted me to the place where I stood, de- 
 prived of all sense and reflection ; so that I 
 did not make the least attempt either to run 
 away or deprecate the wrath of this bar- 
 barian, who snapped a second pistol at me; 
 but, before ho had time to prime again, per- 
 ceiving a company of horsemen coming up, 
 he rodo otf", and left mo standing motionless 
 as a statue, in which iiosture I was found by 
 those whose appearance hatl saved my life. 
 This company consisted of three men in 
 livery, well armed, with an ofiicer, who (as I 
 afterwards learned,) was the person from 
 whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the 
 day before ; and who, making known his mis- 
 fortune to a nobleman he met on the roatl, 
 and assuring him his non-resistance was 
 altogether owing to his consideration for the 
 ladies in the coach, procured the assistance 
 of his lordship's servants'to go in quest of the 
 plunderer. This holiday captain scamjiorod 
 uj) to me witli groat address, and asked who 
 fired the pistol which he ha<^l heard. 
 
 As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, 
 Itefore 1 could answer, observed a body lying 
 on the ground, at which sight his colour 
 changed, and 'he pronounced, with a faltering 
 tongue, ' Gentlemen, here's murder com- 
 mitted ! Let us alight.' ' No, no,' said one 
 of his followers, ' let us rather pursue the 
 murderer. Which way went he, young 
 man ?' 
 
 By this time I had recollected myself so far 
 as to tell them that ho conld not be a quarter 
 of a mile before ; and to beg one of them to 
 assist me in convoying the corpse of my friend 
 to the next house, in order to its being in- 
 terred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case 
 he should pursue, he must soon come to ac- 
 tion, began to curb his horse, and gave him 
 the spur at the same time, which treatment 
 making the creature rear up and snort, he 
 called out, his horse was frightened, and 
 would not proceed ; at the same time wheel- 
 ing him round and round, stroking his neck, 
 whistling and wheedling him with ' Sirrah, 
 
 sirrah — gently, gently,' <fec. ' Z — ds ! ' cried 
 one of the servants, ' sure my lord's Sorrel 
 is not resty !' 
 
 With these words he bestowed a lash on 
 his buttocks, and Sorrol, disdaining the rein, 
 sprang forward with the captain at a pace 
 that would have soon brought him up with 
 the robber, had not the girth (happily for him) 
 given way, by which means he landed in the 
 dirt; and two of his attendants continued 
 their pursuit, without minding his situation. 
 Meanwhile one of the three who remained at 
 my desire, turning the body of Strap, in order 
 to see the wound which had killed him, found 
 him still warm and breathing : upon which I 
 immediately let him blood, and saw him, with 
 inexpressible joy, recover ; ho having received 
 no other wound than what his fear had in- 
 flicted. Having rai.'sed him upon his legs, we 
 walked together to an inn, about half a mile 
 from the place, where Strap, who was not 
 quite recovered, went to bed ; and in a little 
 time the thicd servant returned with the cap- 
 tain's horse and furniture, leaving him to 
 crawl after as well as he could. 
 
 This gentleman of the sword, upon his 
 arrival, complained grievou.sly of the bruiso 
 occasioned by his fall ; and, on the recom- 
 mendation of the servant, who warranted my 
 ability, I was employed to bleed him, for 
 which service ho rewarded mo with half-a- 
 crown. 
 
 The time between this event and dinner I 
 passed in observing a game at cards between 
 two farmers, an exciseman, and a young 
 fellow in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as 
 I afterwards understood, was curate of a 
 neighbouring parish. It was easy to per- 
 ceive that the match was not equal ; and that 
 the two farmers, who were partners, had to 
 do with a couple of shar]iers, who stripped 
 them of all their cash in a very short time, 
 liut what surprised mo very much, was to 
 hear this clergj'man reply to one of the coun- 
 trymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in 
 these words : * D — n me, friend, d'ye question 
 my honour ?' 
 
 I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in 
 canonicals, this being a character frequent in 
 my own country ; but I was scandalised at 
 the indecency of his behaviour, which ap- 
 peared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy 
 songs which ho sung. At last, tomakeamends, 
 in some sort, for the damage he had done to 
 the unwary boors, ho puUed out a fiddle from 
 the lining of his gown, and, promising to 
 treat them at dinner, began to play most me- 
 lodiously, singing in concert all the while. 
 This good humour of this parson inspired the 
 company with so much glee that the farmers 
 soon forgot their losses, and all present went 
 to dancing in the yard. 
 
 While we were agreeably amused in this 
 manner, our musician, spying a horseman 
 riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sud- 
 den, crying out, ' Gad so ! gentlemen, I beg 
 your pardon, there's ojir dog of a doctor 
 
20 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 coming into the inn.' Ho immediately con- 
 cealed his instrument, and ran towards the 
 gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle, 
 and helped him off, inquiring very cordially 
 into the state of his health. 
 
 This rosy son of the church, Avho might be 
 about the age of fifty, having aUghted and 
 entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked, 
 with great solemnity, into the kitchen, where, 
 sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle 
 of ale and a pipe ; scarce deigning an answer 
 to the submissive questions of those who in- 
 quired about the welfare of his family. "VVhile 
 he indulged himself in this state, amidst a 
 profound silence, the curate, approaching him 
 with great reverence, asked him if he would 
 not be pleased to honour us with his company 
 at dinner ? To which interrogation he an- 
 swered in the negative, saying, he had been 
 to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank him- 
 self into a high fever at the last assizes ; and 
 that he had, on leaving his own house, told 
 Betty he should dine at home. Accordingly, 
 when he had made an end of his bottle and 
 pipe, he rose, and moved with prelatical dig- 
 nity to the door, where his journeyman stood 
 ready Avith his nag. He had no sooner mounted 
 than the facetious curate, coming into the 
 kitchen, held forth in this manner : ' There 
 the old rascal goes, and the d — 1 go with him. 
 You sec how the world wags, gentlemen. 
 By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve 
 to live : and yet ho has two livings worth four 
 hundred pounds 2'C/' annum, while poor I am 
 lain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty 
 miles every Sunday to preach — for what ? 
 why, truly, for twenty pounds a year. I 
 scorn to boast of my own qualifications, but 
 — comparisons are odious. I should be glad 
 to know how this swag-bollied doctor deserves 
 to be more at ease than me. He can loll in 
 liis elbow chair at homo, indulge himself in 
 the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy the 
 conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You 
 understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the 
 doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl 
 she is ; but no matter for that ; ay, and a 
 dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits 
 regularly every year, though I must o\vn I 
 could never learn in what county thoy live. 
 My service t'ye, gentlemen.' 
 
 By this time dinner being ready, I waked 
 my companion, and we ate altogether with 
 preat cheerfulness. When our meal was 
 ended, and every man's share of the reckon- 
 ing adjusted, the curate went out on pre- 
 ience of some necessary occasion, and, mount- 
 ing his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy 
 the host in the best manner they could. We 
 were no sooner informed of this piece of 
 finesse, than the exciseman, who had been 
 silent hitherto, began to open with a mali- 
 cious grin : ' Ay, ay, this is an old trick of 
 Shuffle; I could not help smiling when he 
 talked of treating. You must know, this is a 
 very curious fcUow. He picked up some 
 scraps of learning wliile he served young 
 
 Lord Trifle at the university. But what he 
 most excels in is pimping. No man knows 
 his talents better than I, for I was valet-de- 
 chambre to Squire Tattle, an iiitimatc com- 
 panion of Shuffle's lord. He got himself into 
 a scrape by pawning some of his lordship's 
 clothes, on which account he was turned 
 away ; but, as he was acquainted with some 
 particular circumstances of my lord's con- 
 duct, he did not care to exasperate him too 
 much, and so made interest for his receiving 
 orders, and afterwards recommended him to 
 the curacy which he now enjoys. However, 
 the fellow cannot be too much admired for 
 his dexterity in making a comfortable liveli- 
 hood, in spite of such a small allowance. 
 You hear he plays a good stick, and is really 
 diverting company ; these ciualifications make 
 him agreeable wherever he goes ; and, as for 
 playing at cards, there is not a man within 
 three counties a match for him. The truth 
 is, he is a d — able cheat, and can shift a card 
 with such address that it is impossible to dis- 
 cover him.' 
 
 Hero he was interrupted by one of the far- 
 mers, who asked, why he had not justice 
 enough to acquaint them with these particu- 
 lars before they engaged in play. The excise- 
 man' replied, without any hesitation, that it 
 was none of his business to intermeddle be- 
 tween man and man ; besides, he did not 
 know they were ignorant of Shuffle's charac- 
 ter, which Wiis notorious to the whole coun- 
 try. This did not satisfy the other, who 
 taxed him with abetting and assisting the 
 curates kjiavery, and insisted on luiving his 
 share of the winnings returned ; this demand 
 the exciseman as positively refused, affirming 
 that, whatever sleights Shuffle might i)rac- 
 tise on other occasions, he was very certain 
 that he had played on the square with them, 
 and would answer it before any bench in 
 Christendom ; so saying, he got up, and, 
 having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. 
 
 The Landlord, thrusting his neck into tho 
 passage to see if he was gone, shook his 
 head, saying, ' Ah ! Lord help us ! if every 
 sinner was to have his fleserts. Well, we 
 victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen. 
 But I know what ; if parson Shuffle and he 
 were weighed together, a straw thrown into 
 either scale would make the balance kick the 
 beam. But, masters, this is under tho rose,' 
 continued Boniface, with a whisper. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Tlie Highwayman is fal-cn — ice are detained as 
 Eindence against him — proceed fo the next 
 village — he escapes — v:e arrive at anotlier 
 Inn, where we go to Bed — in tlie Night we 
 are awaked by a dreadful Adventure — 
 next night we lodge at the House of a School- 
 master — our Treatment there. 
 
 STRAP and I were about to depart on our 
 journey, when we perceived a crowd on 
 the roftd cociing towards us, shouting and hal-. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 21 
 
 looin^ all tho -way. As it approached, we 
 could discern a man on horseback in the mid- 
 dle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we 
 soon knew to be Kifle. The highwayman, 
 not being so well mounted as the two ser- 
 vants who went in pursuit of him, was soon 
 overtaken, and, after having discharged his 
 pistols, made prisonTjr without any further 
 opposition. They were carrying him in tri- 
 umph, amidst the acclamations of the country 
 people, to a justice of peace in a neighbour- 
 ing village, but stopped at our inn to joiu 
 their companion and take refreshment. 
 
 When Kifle was dismounted and placed in 
 the yard, within a circle of peasants, armed 
 with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a 
 pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who 
 had but a few hours before tilled mo with such 
 terror and confusion. My companion was so 
 much encouraged by this alteration in his 
 appearance that, going up to the thief, ho 
 presented his clenched fists to his nose, ajid 
 declared he would either cudgel or box with 
 tho prisoner lor a guinea, which he imme- 
 diately produced, and began to strip, but 
 was dissuaded from this adventure by mo, 
 who rei)resented to him tho folly of tho under- 
 taking, as Riflo was novr in the hands of 
 justice, which would, no doubt, give us all 
 satisfaction enough. 
 
 But what made mo repent of our imperti- 
 nent curiossity was our being detained by tho 
 captors, as evidence against him, when we 
 were just going to sot forward. However, 
 there was no remedy ; wo were obliged to 
 comply, and accordingly joined in the caval- 
 cade, which luckily took the same road that 
 we had proposed to follow. About the twi- 
 light we arrived at the place of our destina- 
 tion, but as the justice was gone to visit a 
 gentleman in the country, with whom (wo 
 understood) he would probably stay all night, 
 tho robber was confined in an empty garret, 
 three stories high, from which it seemed im- 
 possible for him to escape ; this, nevertheless, 
 was the case ; for next morning, when they 
 wont up stairs to bring him before tho jus- 
 tice, the bird was flown, having got out at 
 the window upon the roof, from whence he 
 continued his route along tho tops of the ad- 
 joining houses, and entered another garret 
 window, where ho skulked until the family 
 were asleep, at which time ho ventured down 
 stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, 
 which was found open. 
 
 This event was a great disappointment to 
 those that apprehended him, who were flushed 
 witli hopes of the reward ; but gave me great 
 joy, as I was permitted now to continue my 
 journey, without any further molestation. 
 Resolving to make up for the small progress 
 we had hitherto made, we this day travelled 
 with groat vigour, and before night reached a 
 market to\ra, twenty miles from the place 
 from whence we set out in the morning, with- 
 out meeting any adventure worth notice. 
 Here, having taken up our lodging at an inn, 
 
 I found myself so fatigued that I began to 
 despair of performing our journey on foot, 
 and desired Strap to inquire if there Avcre any 
 waggon, return h irses, or any cheap carriage 
 in this place, to depart for London next day. 
 He was informed that tho waggon from New- 
 castle to London had halted there two nights 
 ago, and that it would be an easy matter to 
 overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, 
 the day after the next. 
 
 This piece of news gave us some satisfac- 
 tion ; and, after having made a hearty supper 
 on hashed mutton, wo were shown to our 
 room, which contained two beds, the one 
 allotted for us, and the other for a very honest 
 gentleman, who, we were told, was then drink- 
 ing below. Though we could have very well 
 dispensed with his company, wo were glad to 
 submit to this disposition, as there was uoti 
 another bed empty in tho house ; and accor- 
 dingly went to rest, after having secured our 
 baggage under tho bolster. About two or 
 three o'clock in tho morning I wns awaked 
 out of a very profound sleep by a dreadful 
 noise in the chamber, which did not fail to 
 throw me into an agony of consternation, 
 when I heard these words pronounced with a 
 terrible voice : ' Blood and wounds ! run tho 
 halbort into the guts of him that's next you, 
 and I'll blow the other's brains out presently.' 
 This dreadful salutation had no sooner 
 re:vched the ears of Strap than, starting out 
 of bed, ho ran against somebody in the dark, 
 and overturned him in an instant ; at tho 
 same time bawling out, ' Fire ! murder ! fire ! ' 
 a cry which in a moment alarmed tiie whole 
 house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of 
 naked people. When lights were brought, 
 the occasion of all this disturbance soon ap- 
 peared ; which was no other than a fellow 
 lodger, whom we found lying on the floor, 
 scratching his head, with a look testifying 
 the utmost astonislunent at the concourse of 
 ajjparitions that surrounded him. 
 
 This honest gentleman was, it seems, a re- 
 cruiting sergeant, who, having listed two 
 country fellows over night, dreamed they had 
 mutinied, and threatened to murder him and 
 the drummer who was along vaih him. This 
 made such an impression on his imagination, 
 that he got up m his sleep and expressed him- 
 self as above. When our apprehension of 
 danger vanished, the company bclield one 
 another with great sur])rise and mirth ; but 
 what attracted tho notice of every one was 
 our landlady, with nothing on her but her 
 shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches, 
 with the backside before, which she had 
 slipped on in the hurry, and her husband with 
 her petticoat about his shoulders: one had 
 wrapped himself in a blanket, another was 
 covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who 
 had given his only shii-t to be washed, ap- 
 peared in cue/-j>o, \\-ith the bolster rolled about 
 his middle. 
 
 WTien this affair was discussed, everybody 
 retired to his own apartment ; the sergeant 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 slipped into bed, and my companion and I 
 slept without any further disturbance till 
 morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, 
 paid our reckoning, and set forward in expec- 
 tation of overtaking the waggon ; in which 
 hope, however, we were disappointed for that 
 day. As we exerted ourselves more than 
 usual, I found myself quite spent with fa- 
 tigue, when we entered a small village in the 
 twilight. We inquired for a pubKc-house, 
 and were directed to one of a very sorry ap- 
 pearance. At our entrance the landlord, who 
 seemed to be a venerable old man, with long 
 gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large 
 fire in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a 
 cheerful countenance accosted us in these 
 words : ' Salvete, j^ueri — ingredimini.' I was 
 not a little pleased to hear our host speak 
 Latin, because I was in hope of recommend- 
 ing myself to him by my knowledge in that 
 language ; I therefore answered, without hesi- 
 tation, ^Dissolve frig us, ligna super foco — large 
 reponens.' I had no sooner pronounced these 
 words, than the old gentleman, running to- 
 wards me, shook me by the hand, crying, 
 ' Fili mi dileciissime! unde venis? — a superis, 
 ni fallor ? ' In short, finding we were both 
 read in the classics, he did not know how to 
 testify his regard enough ; but ordered his 
 daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel who 
 was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of 
 his quadrimuni; repeating from Horace at 
 the same time, ' Deprome quadnmum sahina, 
 Thaliarche, merum diota.' This quadrirmim 
 was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which 
 he told us he had always an nmpliora four 
 years old, for the use of himself and friends. 
 
 In the course of our conversation, which 
 was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we un- 
 derstood that this facetious person was a 
 schoolmaster, whose income being small, ho 
 was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for 
 the entertainment of passengers, by which ho 
 made shift to make the two ends of the year 
 meet. ' I am this day,' said he, ' the happiest 
 old fellow in his majesty's dominions. My 
 wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter 
 is to be married next week ; but the two chief 
 pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the 
 bottle and a largo edition of Horace that lay 
 on the table). I am old, 'tis true — what then? 
 the more reason I should enjoy the small 
 share of . life that remains, as my friend 
 Flaccus advises : ' Tu ne quaisieris (scire nefasj 
 q\icm onihi, quern tibi finem dii dedennt. 
 Carpe diem, quam minimum credula posfero.' 
 As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, 
 we made no scrui)lo of acquainting him with 
 our situation, which when he had learned, he 
 enriched us with advices how to behave in 
 the world, telling us that he was no stranger 
 to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime 
 he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the 
 fire for supper, for he was resolved this night 
 to ri^gale his friends — permittens divis ccetera. 
 Wliile our entertainment was preparing, oiir 
 host recounted the adventures of his o^vn life. 
 
 which, as they contained nothing remarkable, 
 I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared 
 sumptuously, and dru^k several bottles of his 
 quadrimum, I expressed a desire of going to 
 rest, which was with some difficulty complied 
 with, after he had informed us that we should 
 overtake the waggon by noon next day ; and 
 that there was room enough in it for half-a- 
 dozen, for there were only four passengers as 
 yet in that convenience. 
 
 Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had 
 some conversation about the good humour of 
 our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea 
 of his benevolence, that he positively be- 
 lieved we should pay nothing for our lodging 
 and entertainment. ' Don't you observe,' 
 said he, ' that he has conceived a particu- 
 lar affection for us — nay, even treated us 
 at supper with extraordinary fare, which, 
 to be sure, we should not of ourselves have 
 called for ? ' 
 
 I was partly of Strap's opinion ; but the 
 experience I had of the world made me sus- 
 pend my belief till the morning, when, getting 
 up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and 
 his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and 
 desired to know what we had to pay. ' Biddy 
 will let you know, gentlemen,' said he ; ' for I 
 never mind these matters. Money matters 
 are beneath the concern of one who lives upon 
 the Horatian plan — Crescentum sequitur cura 
 2)ccuniam.' Meanwhile, Biddy, having con- 
 sulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us 
 our reckoning came to 8s. 7t7. ' Eight shil- 
 lings and seven pence ! ' cried Strap, ' 'tis 
 impossible! you must be mistaken, young 
 woman.' ' Reckon again, child,' says her 
 father, very deliberately ; ' perhaps you have 
 miscounted.' ' No, indeed, father,' replied she, 
 ' I know my business better.' I could contain 
 my indignation no longer, but said it was 
 an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know 
 the particulars ; upon which the old man got 
 up, muttering, ' Ay, ay, let ns see the parti- 
 culars — that's but reasonable.' And, taking 
 pen, ink, uud paper, -ttTToto the following 
 items : 
 
 To bread and beer . . .06 
 To a fowl and sausages . .26 
 To four bottles of quadmn. . 2 
 To fire and tobacco . . .07 
 To lodging . . , .20 
 To breakfast . . . .10 
 
 8 7 
 
 As he had not the appearance of a common 
 publican, and had raised a sort of veneration 
 in me by his demeanour the preceding night, 
 it was not in my power to upbraid him as he 
 deseiwed ; therefore, I contented myself with 
 saying I was sure he did not learn to be an 
 extortioner from Horace. He answered, I 
 was but a young man and did not know the 
 world, or I would not tax him with extor- 
 tion, whose only aim was to live coiitentus 
 parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 23 
 
 My fellow traveller could not so easily put 
 ■up with this imposition ; but swore he 
 should either take one-third of the money or 
 go without. 
 
 While we were engaged in this dispute, I 
 perceived the daughter go out, and, conjectu- 
 ring the occasion, immediately paid the exor- 
 bitant demand, which was no sooner done 
 than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, 
 who came in on pretence of taking their 
 morning draught, but in reality to frighten 
 us into compliance. Just as we departed. 
 Strap, who was half- distracted ou account of 
 this piece of expense, went up to the school- 
 master, and, grinning in his face, pronounced 
 with great emphasis — ' Semper avarus eget.' 
 To which the pedant replied, with a mali- 
 cious smile — ^ Animam rege, qui, nisi jparet, 
 imperat.' 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 We descry the Waggon — get into it — arrive at 
 an Inn — our Fellow Travellers described — 
 a Mistake is committed by Strap, which 
 Xrroduces strange Things. 
 
 WE travelled half-a-mile without exchang- 
 ing one word ; my thoughts being en- 
 grossed by the knavery of the world, to which 
 I must be daily exposed, and the contempla- 
 tion of my finances, which began sensibly to 
 diminish. At length. Strap, who could hold 
 no longer, adressed me thus : ' Well, fools and 
 their money are soon parted. If my advice 
 had been taken, that old skin-flint should have 
 been d — n'd before ho had got more than the 
 third of his demand. 'Tis a sure sign you 
 came easily by your money, when you squan- 
 der it away in this manner. Ah ! God help 
 you, how many bristly beards must I have 
 mowed before I earned four shillings and 
 threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to 
 the dogs I How many days have I sat weav- 
 ing hair till my toes were numbed by the 
 cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as 
 blue as the sign of the periwig that hung 
 over the door! What the devil was you 
 afraid of? I would have engaged to box 
 with any one of those fellows who came in 
 for a guinea — I'm sure I have beat stouter 
 men than either of them.' And, indeed, ray 
 companion would have fought anybody when 
 his life was in no danger ; but he had a mortal 
 aversion to fire-arms and all instruments of 
 death. In order to appease him, I assured 
 him no part of this extraordinary expense 
 should fall upon his shoulders; at which 
 declaration he was affronted, and told me he 
 would have me to know that, although he 
 was a poor barber's boy, j^et ho had a soid 
 to spend his money with the best squire of 
 the land. 
 
 Having walked all day at a great pace, 
 without halting for a refreshment, we de- 
 scried, toward the evening, to our inexpres- 
 sible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a 
 
 mile before us ; and, by that time we reached 
 it, were both of us so weary that I verily 
 believe it would have been impracticable for 
 us to have walked one mile farther. We, 
 therefore, bargained with the driver, whose 
 name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next 
 stage for a shilling ; at which place we should 
 meet the master of the waggon, with whom 
 we might agree for the rest of the journey, 
 
 Accordingly the convenience stopped, and 
 Joey having placed the ladder. Strap (being 
 loaded with our baggage) mounted fii-st ; but, 
 just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice 
 assailed his ears in these words : ' God's fury ! 
 there shall no passengers come here.' 'Ihe 
 poor shaver was so disconcerted at this ex- 
 clamation, which both he and I imagined 
 Ijroceeded from the mouth of a giant, that 
 ho descended with great velocity and a coun- 
 tenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving 
 our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, 
 'Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sootier 
 the poorwaggoneer to meake a penny ? Coom, 
 coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never 
 moind the coptain ; I'se not afeard of the 
 coptain.' 
 
 This was not encouragement sufSciout to 
 Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to 
 venture up again ; upon which I attempted, 
 though not without a quaking heart, wJien I 
 heard the same voice muttering, Idco distant 
 thiinder — 'Hell and the devil confound mo, 
 if I don't make you smart for this !' How- 
 ever, I crept in, and by accident got an empty 
 place in the straw, which I immediately took 
 possession of, without being able to discern 
 the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. 
 Strap following, with the knapsack on his 
 back, chanced to take the other side, and, by 
 a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon 
 the stomach of the captain, who bellowed 
 out, in a most dreailful manner, ' Blood and 
 thunder ! where's my sword ?' At these 
 words my frighted comrade started up, and, 
 at one spring, bounced against me with such 
 force that I thought he was the supposed son 
 of Anak, who intended to press mo to death. 
 In the meantime a female voice cried, ' Bless 
 me ! what is the matter, my dear r' ' The 
 matter,' replied the captain ! ' d — n my blood ! 
 my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that 
 Scotchman's hump.' Strap, trembling all the 
 while ab my back, asked him pardon, and laid 
 the blame of what had happened upon the 
 jolting of the waggon ; and the woman who 
 spoke before went on : ' Ay, ay, my dear, it 
 is our own fault; we may thank ourselves 
 for all the inconveniences we meet with. I 
 thank God I never travelled so before. I am 
 sure if my lady or Sir .John were to know 
 where we are they would not sleep this night 
 for vexation. I wish to God we had writ for 
 the chariot ; I know we shaU never be for- 
 given.' ' Come, come, my dear,' replied the 
 captain, 'it don't signify frettuig now; we 
 shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope you 
 will not suffer in your health. I shall make 
 
24 
 
 Roderick: random. 
 
 my lord very merry with our adventures in 
 the diligence.' 
 
 This discourse gave me such a high notion 
 of the captain and his lady that I durst not 
 venture to join in the conversation ; but im- 
 mediately after another female voice began : 
 ' Some people give themselves a great many 
 needless airs ; better folks than any here 
 have travelled in waggons before now. Some 
 of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with 
 three footmen behind them, w ithout making 
 so much fuss about it. What then ? We are 
 now all upon a footing ; therefore let us be 
 sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac ? 
 Is not this a good motion, you doting rogue ? 
 Speak, you old cent i:ier cent fornicator ? 
 What desperate debt are you thinking of? 
 What mortgage arc you planning ? Well, 
 Isaac, positively you shall never gain my 
 favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow 
 honest, and live like a gentleman. In the 
 meantime give me a kiss, you old fumbler.' 
 These woi'ds, accompanied with a hearty 
 smack, enlivened the person to whom they 
 were addressed to such a degree that he cried, 
 in ti'ansport, though with a faltering voice, 
 ' Ah ! you wanton baggage — upon my credit, 
 you are a waggish girl — he, he, he !' This 
 laugh introduced a fit of coiighing, which 
 almost suffocated the poor usurer (such we 
 afterwards found was the profession of this 
 our fellow-traveller). 
 
 About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed 
 a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived 
 at the inn where we put up. Here, having 
 alighted from the waggon, I had an oppor- 
 tunity of viewing the passengers in order as 
 they entered. The first who appeared was a 
 brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, Avith 
 a silver-laced hat on her head instead of a 
 cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed Avith 
 silver veiw much tarnished, and a whip in her 
 hand. After her came, limping, an old man, 
 with a worsted nightcap buttoned imder his 
 chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over 
 it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, 
 under which appeared a brown surtout, that 
 covered a threiKlbare coat atid waistcoat, and, 
 as he afterwards discerned, a dirty fiiannel 
 jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and 
 gummy ; his face was shrivelled into a thou- 
 sand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of 
 teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin 
 peaked and prominent, so that, when he 
 mumped or spoke, they approached one 
 another like a pair of nutcrackers : he sup- 
 ported himself on an ivory-headed cane, and 
 his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, 
 famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, 
 when I beheld the formidable captain in the 
 shape of a little thin creature, about the age 
 of forty, with a long withered visage, very 
 much resembling that of a baboon, through 
 the upper part of which two little gray eyes 
 peeped : he wore his own hair in a queue 
 that reached to his rump, which immoderate 
 length, I suppose, was the occasion of a bald- 
 
 ness that appeared on the crown of his head 
 when he deigned to take off his hat, which 
 was very much of the size and cock of 
 Pistol's. 
 
 Having laid aside his great-coat, I could 
 not help admiring the extraordinary make 
 of this man of war : he was about five 
 feet and three inches high, sixteen inches of 
 which went to his face and long scraggy 
 neck : his thighs were about six inches in 
 length, his legs resembling spindles or drum- 
 sticks, two feet and a half, and his body, 
 which put me in mind of extension without 
 substance, engrossed the remainder : so that 
 on the whole, he appeared like a spider or 
 grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et 
 prcetcrea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock 
 of what is called bearskin, the skirts of which 
 were about half a foot long, an hussar waist- 
 coat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down, 
 his thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost 
 to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at 
 least two inches high ; he carried a sword 
 very near as long as himself in one hand, and 
 with the other conducted his lady, who 
 seemed to be a woman of his own age, and 
 still retained some remains of an agreeable 
 person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had 
 I not been a novice in the Avorld, I might 
 have easily perceived in her the deplorable 
 vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's 
 woman. 
 
 We were all assembled in the kitchen, 
 when Captain Weazel (for that was his name) 
 desired a room with a fire for himself and 
 spouse, and told the landlord they would sup 
 by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he 
 could not aS'ord them a room by themselves ; 
 and as for supping, he had prepared victuals 
 for the passengers in the waggon, without 
 respect of persons, but if he could prevail on 
 the rest to let him have his choice in a 
 separate manner, he should be very well 
 pleased. This was no .sooner said than all of 
 us declared against the proposal, and Miss 
 Jenny (our other female passenger) observed 
 that, if Captain AVeazel and his lady had a 
 mind to sup by themselves, they might wait 
 until wo should have done. At this hint the 
 captain put on a martial frown, and looked 
 very big, without speaking ; while his yoke- 
 follow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, 
 muttered something about ' Creature ! ' which 
 Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, 
 saying, 'None of j^our names, good Mrs. 
 Abigail. Creature, quotha— I'll assure you — 
 no such creature as you neither — no ten- 
 pound sneaker — no quality-conpler.' Hero 
 the captain interposed, with a ' D — e, madam, 
 what do you mean by that ? ' ' D — n you, sir, 
 who are you?' replied Miss Jenny, 'who 
 made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher- 
 scraping, pimping curler ? 'Sdeath ! the army 
 is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as 
 you get commissions. What, I suxjpose you 
 think I don't know you ? Egad, you and 
 your helpmate are well met — a cast-off 
 
mistress and a baJd valet-de-chambre are well 
 yoked together.' ' Blood and wounds ! ' cried 
 Weazel, ' d'ye question the honour of my 
 wife, madam ? Hell and d — tion ! No man 
 in England durst say so much — I would flay 
 him, carbonado him ! Fury and destruction I 
 I would have his liver for my supper.' So 
 saying, he drew his sword and flourished with 
 it, to the great terror of Strap ; Avhile Miss 
 Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him she did 
 not value his resentment a louse. 
 
 In the midst of this quarrel the master of 
 the waggon alighted, who, understanding the 
 cause of the disturbance, and fearing the 
 captain and his lady would take umbrage and 
 leave his carriage, was at great pains to have 
 everything made up, which he at last accom- 
 plished, and we sat down to supper altogether. 
 At bedtime we were shown to our apari^- 
 ments; the old usurer. Strap, and I, to one 
 room ; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, 
 to another. About midnight, my companion's 
 bowels being disordered, he got up, in order 
 to go backward ; but in his return, mistaking 
 one door for another, entered Weazel's 
 chamber, and without any hesitation went 
 to bed to his wife, who Avas fast asleep, the 
 captain being at another end of the room, 
 groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of 
 his own chamberpot, which was leaky : as he 
 did not perceive Strap coming in, he went 
 towards his own bed, after having found a 
 convenience ; but no sooner did he feel a 
 rough head, covered with a cotton nightcap, 
 than it came into his mind that he had mis- 
 taken Miss Jenny's bed instead of his owti, 
 and that the head he felt was that of some 
 gallant, with whom she had made an assig- 
 nation. Full of his conjecture, and scan- 
 dalised at the prostitution of his apartment, 
 he snatched up tlie vessel ho had just before 
 filled, and emptied it at once on the asto- 
 nished barber and his own wife, who waking 
 at that instant, broke forth into lamentable 
 cries, which not only alarmed the husband 
 beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap 
 almost out of his senses ; for ho verily be- 
 lieved himself bewitched, especially when 
 the incensed captain seized him by the throat, 
 with a volley of oaths, asking him how he 
 durst have the presumption to attempt the 
 chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so 
 amazed and confounded, that he could .say 
 nothing but — ' I take God to witness she's a 
 virgin for me.' 
 
 Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in 
 such a pickle through the precipitation of 
 her husband, arose in her shift, and with the 
 heel of her shoe, which she found by the bed- 
 side, belaboured the captain's bald pate -till 
 he roared ' Murder.' ' I'll teach you to 
 empty your stinkpots on me,' cried she, ' you 
 pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I 
 warrant you're jealous, j'ou man of lath. Was 
 it for this I condescended to take you to my 
 bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig ? ' 
 
 The noise occasioned by this adventure 
 had brought the master of the waggon and 
 me to the door, where we overheard all that 
 passed with great satisfaction. In the mean- 
 time we were alarmed with the cry of ' Eape ! 
 Murder ! Kape ! ' which Miss Jenny pro- 
 nounced with great vociferation. ' Oh ! you 
 vile abominable old villain,' said she, 'would 
 you rob me of my virtue ? But I'll be re- 
 venged of you, you old goat ! I will i Help ! 
 for heaven's sake ! help ! I shall be ravished ! 
 ruined ! help ! ' Some servants of the inn, 
 hearing this cry, came running upstairs with 
 lights, and such weapons as chance afforded ; 
 when we beheld a very diverting scene. lu 
 one corner stood the poor captain shivering 
 in his shirt, which was all torn to rags ; with 
 a woful visage, scratched all over by his wife, 
 who had by this time wrapt the counterpane 
 about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her 
 bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, 
 sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his 
 flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny 
 meagre limbs exposed to the air ; while she 
 held him fast by the two ears, and loaded 
 him with execrations. When ho asked what 
 was the matter, she affected to weep, told us 
 she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined 
 her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of 
 what we saw, for she intended to make use 
 of our evidence against him. The poor wretch 
 looked like one more dead than alive, and 
 begged to be released ; a favour which ho 
 had no sooner obtained than he protested she 
 was no woman, but a devil incarnate — that 
 she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and 
 then betrayed him. ' Yes, cockatrice,' con- 
 tinued he, ' you know you laid this snare for 
 me— but you shan't succeed — for I will hang 
 myself before you shall get a farthing of me.' 
 So saying, he crawled to his own bed, gi-oan- 
 ing all the wa3^ We then advanced to the 
 captain, who told us, ' Gentlemen, here has 
 been a d — d mistake ; but I'll be revenged on 
 him wlio was the cause of it. That Scotch- 
 man who carries the knapsack shall not 
 breathe this vital air another day, if my name 
 be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand 
 pardons ; you are sensible I could mean no 
 harm to you.' ' I know not what you meant,' 
 replied she, sighing, ' but I know I have got 
 enough to send me to my grave.' At length 
 they were reconciled. The wife was compli- 
 mented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed 
 (her own being overflowed), and the master 
 of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the 
 remaining part of the night with him. I 
 retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally 
 afraid, he having stolen away in the dark 
 while the captain and his lady were at 
 loggerheads. 
 
26 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Captain Wea&el challenges Sto-ap, who declines 
 the Combat— an Affair between the Captain 
 and me— the Usurer is fain to give Miss 
 Jenny five Guineas for a Release— loe are in_ 
 Danger of losing a Meal — the Behaviour of 
 Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion 
 — an Account of Captain Weazel and his 
 Lady— the Captain's Courage tried— Isaac' s 
 Mirth at the Captain's Expense. 
 
 NEXT morning I agreed to give the master 
 of the waggon ten shillings for my pas- 
 sage to London, provided Strap should be 
 allowed to take my place when I should be 
 disposed to walk. At the same time I desired 
 him to appease the incensed captain, who had 
 entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in 
 his hand, and threatened with many oaths to 
 sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate 
 his bed; biit it was to no purpose for the 
 master to explain the mistake, and assure 
 him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood 
 trembling behind me all the while : the more 
 submission that appeared in Strap, the more 
 implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, 
 who swore he must either fight him or he 
 would instantly put him to death. I was 
 extremely provoked at this insolence, and 
 told him, it could not be supposed that a poor 
 barber lad would engage a man of the sword 
 at his own weapon ; but I was persuaded he 
 would wrestle or box with him. To which 
 proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by 
 saying, 'ho would box with him for a guinea.' 
 Weazel replied with a look of disdain, that 
 it was beneath any gentleman of his cha- 
 racter to fight like a porter, or even to 
 put himself on a footing, in any respect, 
 with such a fellow as Strap. 'Odds bodi- 
 kins !' cries Joe J'', 'sure, coptain, yaw would 
 not commit moorder ! Here's a poor lad that 
 is willing to make atonement for his offence ; 
 and an that woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight 
 yaw fairly. And yaw woan't box, I dare say, 
 he will coodgel with yaw. Woan't yaw, my 
 lad ?' Strap, after some hesitation, answered, 
 ' Yes, yes, I'll cudgel with him.' But this 
 expedient being also rejected by the captain, 
 I began to smell his character, and, tipping 
 Strap the wink, told the captain that I had 
 always heard it said, the person who receives 
 a challenge should have the choice of the 
 weapons; this therefore being the rule in 
 point of honour, I would venture to promise 
 on the head of my companion, that he would 
 even fight Captain Weazel at sharps ; but it 
 should be with such sharps as Strap was best 
 acquainted with, namely, razors. At my men- 
 tioning razors, I could perceive the captain's 
 colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the 
 sleeve, whispered with great eagerness : ' No, 
 no, no ; for the love of God, don't make any 
 such bargain.' At length, Weazel, recover- 
 ing himself, turned towards me, and with a 
 ferocious countenance asked, ' Who the devil 
 
 are you ? Will you fight me ?' With those 
 words, putting himself in a posture, I was 
 grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a 
 sword within half a foot of my breast ; and, 
 springing to one side, snatched up a spit that 
 stood in the chimney-corner, with which I 
 kept my formidable adversary at bay, who 
 made a great many half-ionges, skipping back- 
 ward at every push, till at last I pinned him 
 up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the 
 company. While he was in this situation his 
 wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these 
 dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful 
 scream : in this emergency, Weazel demanded 
 a cessation, which was immediately granted ; 
 and at last was contented with the submission 
 of Strap, wlio, falling on his knees before him, 
 protested the innocence of his intention, and 
 asked pardon for the mistake he had com- 
 mitted. This affair being ended without 
 bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed 
 two of our company, namely. Miss Jenny and 
 the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel in- 
 formed IIS, that she had kept her awake all 
 night with her groans ; and that when she 
 rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much 
 indisposed that she could not proceed on her 
 journey. At that instant, a message came 
 from her to the master of the waggon, who 
 immediately went into her chamber, followed 
 by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, 
 that she Avas afraid of a miscarriage, owing 
 to the fright she received last night from the 
 brutality of Isaac ; and, as the event was un- 
 certain, desired the usurer might be detained 
 to answer for the consequence. Accordingly, 
 this ancient Tarquin was found in .the waggon, 
 whither he had retired to avoid the shame of 
 last night's disgrace, and brought by force 
 into her presence. He no sooner appeared 
 than she began to weep and sigh most pite- 
 onsly, and told us, if she died, she would leave 
 her blood upon the head of that ravisher. 
 Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to 
 heaven, prayed that God would deliver him 
 from the machinations of that Jezebel ; and 
 assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his 
 being found in bed with her was the result of 
 her own invitation. The waggoner, under- 
 standing the case, advised Isaac to make it 
 up, by giving her a sum of money : to which 
 advice he replied with great vehemence, ' A 
 sum of money ! — a halter for the cockatrice !' 
 ' Oh ! 'tis very well,' said Miss Jenny ; ' I see 
 it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of 
 his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go 
 to the justice, and tell him there is a sick 
 person here, who wants to see him on an affair 
 of consequence.' At the name of justice Isaac 
 trembled, and bidding .Joey stay, asked with 
 a quavering voice, ' What she would have ?' 
 She told him that, as he had not perpetrated 
 his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied 
 with a small matter. And though the damage 
 she might sustain in her health might be irre- 
 parable, she would give him a release for a 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 27 
 
 hundred guineas. ' A hundred guineas !' cried 
 he iu an ecstacy, ' a hundred furies ! Where 
 should a poor old wretch like me have a hun- 
 dred guineas ? If I had so much money, d'je 
 think I should be found travelling in a wag- 
 gon, at this season of the year ?' ' Come, 
 come,' replied Jenny, ' none of your miserly 
 artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac 
 Eapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. 
 Ah ! you old rogue ! many a pawn have you 
 had of me and my acquaintance, which was 
 never redeemed.' Isaac, finding it was in 
 vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shil- 
 lings for a discharge, which she absolutely re- 
 fused under fifty pounds: at last, however, 
 she was brought down to five, which he i^aid 
 with great reluctancy, rather than be prose- 
 cuted for a rape. After which accommodation, 
 the sick person made a shift to get into the 
 waggon, and we set forward in great tran- 
 quillity ; Strap being accommodated with 
 Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to 
 walk. The morning and forenoon we were 
 entertained with an account of the valour of 
 Captain Weazel, who told us he had once 
 knocked down a soldier that made game of 
 him ; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who 
 found fault with his picking his teeth with a 
 fork, at another time ; and that he had more- 
 over challenged a cheesemonger, who had the 
 presumiDtion to be his rival : for the truth of 
 which exploits he ajipealed to his wife. She 
 confirmed whatever he said, and observed, 
 ' The last affair happened that very day on 
 which I received a love-letter from Squire 
 Gobble , and don't you remember, my dear, I 
 was prodigiously sick that very night with 
 eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took 
 notice of my complexion's being altered, and 
 my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh 
 fainted ?' 'Yes, my dear,' replied the captain, 
 ' you know my lord said to me, with a sneer, 
 "Billy, Mrs.Weazeliscertainly breeding." And 
 I answered cavalierly, " My lord, I wish I could 
 return the compliment." Upon which the 
 whole company broke out into an immoderate 
 fit of laughter ; and my lord, who loves a 
 repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.' 
 We travelled in this manner five days, with- 
 out interruption or meeting anything worth 
 notice : Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her 
 spirits, entertaining us every day with di- 
 verting songs, of which she could sing a great 
 number; and rallying her own gallant, 
 who, notwithstanding, would never be re- 
 conciled to her. On the sixth day, while we 
 were about to sit down to dinner, the inn- 
 keeper came and told us, that three gentle- 
 men, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to 
 be carried to their apartment, although he 
 had informed them that they were bespoke 
 by the passengers in the waggon. To which 
 information they had replied, • the passengers 
 in the waggon might be d— d, their betters 
 must be served before them ; they STipposed 
 it would be no hardship on such travellers to 
 
 dine iipon bread and cheese for one day.' 
 This was a terrible disappointment to us all ; 
 and we laid our heads together how to remedy 
 it ; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain 
 Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought 
 in this case to protect and prevent us trom 
 being insulted. But the Captain excused 
 himself, saying, he would not for all the 
 world be known to have travelled in a wag- 
 gon ! swearing at the same time, that could 
 he appear with honour, they should eat his 
 sword sooner than his provision. Upon this 
 declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his wea- 
 pon, drew it, and ran immediately into the 
 kitchen, where she threatened to put the 
 cook to death if he did not send the victuals 
 into our chamber immediately. The noise 
 she made brought the three strangers down, 
 one of whom no sooner perceived her than he 
 cried, ' Ha ! Jenny Ramper ! what the devil 
 brought thee hither ?' ' My dear Jack Rattle !' 
 replied she, running into his arms, ' is it you F 
 Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner — I 
 shall dine with you.' 
 
 They consented to this proposal with a 
 great deal of joy ; and we were on the point 
 of being reduced to a very uncomfortable 
 meal, when Joey, understanding the whole 
 affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork 
 in his hand, and swore he would be the death 
 of any man who should pretend to seize the 
 victuals prepared for the waggon. The me- 
 nace had like to have produced fatal conse- 
 quences ; the three strangers drawing their 
 swords, and being joined by their servants, 
 and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; 
 when the landlord, interposing, offered to 
 part with his own dinner to keep the peace, 
 which was accepted by the strangers ; and 
 we sat down at table without any further 
 molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to 
 walk along with Joey, and Strap took my 
 place. Having entered into a conversation 
 with this driver, I soon found him to be a 
 merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and 
 withal very arch ; he informed me, that Miss 
 Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who, 
 falling into company with a recruiting officer, 
 he carried her down in the stage coach from 
 London to Newcastle, where he had been 
 arrested for debt, and was now in prison; 
 upon which she was fain to return to her 
 former way of life, by this conveyance. He 
 told me likewise, that one of the gentleman's 
 servants, who were left at the inn, having 
 accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew 
 him, and acquainted Joey with some particu- 
 lars of his character. That he had served my 
 Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambro 
 many years, while he lived separate from his 
 lady ; but, upon their reconciliation, she ex- 
 pressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned 
 off, as well as the woman he kept : when his 
 lordship, to get rid of them both with a good 
 grace, proposed that he should marry his 
 mistress, and he would procure a commission 
 
28 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 for liim in tlio army : this expedient was 
 agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lord- 
 ship's interest, ensign in 's regiment. I 
 
 found he and I had the same sentiments with 
 regard to Weazel's courage, which he resolved 
 to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers 
 with the cry of a 'highwayman!' as soon as 
 a horseman should appear. 
 
 This scheme we put in practice towards the 
 dusk, when we descried a man on horseback 
 approaching us. Joey had no sooner inti- 
 mated to the people in the waggon, that ho 
 was afraid we sliould be all robbed than a 
 general consternation arose : Strap jumped 
 out of the waggon, and hid himself beh'^id a 
 hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, 
 and made a rustling among the straw, which 
 made us conjecture he had hid something 
 under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands, 
 uttered lamentable cries : and the captain, to 
 our great amazement, began to snore ; but 
 this artifice did not succeed ; for Miss Jenny, 
 shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, 
 ' 'Sdeath ! captain, is this a time to snore, 
 when we are going to be robbed ? Get up, 
 for shame, and behave like a soldier and man 
 of honour !' Weazel pretended to be in a 
 great passion for being disturbed, and swore 
 he would have his nap out if all the highway- 
 men in England surrounded him. ' 1) — n my 
 blood ! what are you afraid of ?' continued 
 he ; at the same time trembling with such 
 agitation that the whole carriage shook. 
 This singular piece of behaviour incensed 
 Miss Ramper so much that she cried, ' D — n 
 your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon 
 as ever was drummed out of a regiment. 
 Stop the waggon, Joey — let me get out, 
 and by G — d, if I have* rhetoric enough, the 
 thief shall not only take your purse, but 
 your skin also.' So saying she leaped out 
 witJi great agility. By this time the horse- 
 man came up with lis, and happened to 
 be a gentleman's servant well known to 
 Joey, who communicated the scheme, and 
 desired him to carry it on a little further, by 
 going 1 p to the waggon, and questioning 
 those wiuhin. The stranger, consenting for 
 the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a 
 terrible tone demanded, ' Who have we got 
 here ?' Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, 
 ' Here's a poor miserable sinner, who has got 
 a small family to maintain, and nothing in the 
 world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings, 
 which if you rob me of, we must all starve 
 together.' ' Who's that sobbing in the other 
 corner r' said the supposed highwayman. ' A 
 poor unfortunate woman,' answered Mrs. 
 Weazle, ' upon whom I beg you, for Christ's 
 sake, to have compassion.' ' Are you maid or 
 wife,' said he._ 'Wife, to my sorrow,' said 
 she. ' Who, or where is your husband r' con- 
 tinued he. 'My husband,' replied Mrs. Weazel, 
 ' is an oflicer in the army, and was left sick at 
 the last inn where we dined.' ' You must be 
 mistaken, madam,' said he, ' for I myself saw 
 
 him get into the waggon this afternoon. But 
 pray what smell is that ? Sure your lapdog 
 has befouled himself ; let me catch hold of the 
 nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners.' 
 Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and 
 l^ulled him out from xindcr his wife's petti- 
 coats, where he had concealed himself. The 
 poor trembling captain, being detected in his 
 inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and 
 aft'ecting to wake out of sleep, cried, ' What's 
 the matter? What's the matter.?' 'The 
 matter is not much,' answered the horseman ; 
 ' I only called in to inquire after your health, 
 and so adieu, most noble captain.' So saying, 
 he clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of 
 sight in a moment. 
 
 It was some time before Weazel could recol- 
 lect himself, but at length reassuming the big 
 look, he said, ' D — n the fellow ! why did he 
 ride away before I had time to ask him how 
 his lord and lady do ? Don't you remember 
 Tom, my dear ?' addressing himself to his 
 wife. ' Yes,' replied she, ' I think I do re- 
 member something of the fellow, but you 
 know I seldom converse with people of his 
 station.' 'Hey-day!' cried Joey, 'do yaw 
 knaw the young mon, coptain P' ' Know him,' 
 said AVeazol, ' many a time has he filled a glass 
 of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett's 
 table.' 'And what may his neame be, cop- 
 tain P' said Joey. ' His name I — his name,' 
 replied Weazel, ' is Tom Einser.' ' Waunds,' 
 cried Joey, ' a has changed his own neame 
 then ! for I'se lay a wager he was christened 
 John Trotter.' This observation raised a 
 laugh against the captain, wlio seemed very 
 much disconcerted ; when Isaac broke silence, 
 and said, ' It is no matter who or what he was, 
 since he has not proved the robber we sus- 
 pected, and we ought to bless God for our 
 narrow escape.' 'Bless God,' said Weazel, 
 ' bless the devil ! for what ? Had he been a 
 highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, 
 body, and guts, before he had robbed me, or 
 any one in this diligence.' ' Ha, ha, ha !' cried 
 Miss Jenny, ' I believe you will eat all you 
 kill, indeed, captain.' The usurer was so well 
 pleased at the event of this adventure, that 
 he could not refrain from being severe, and I 
 took notice that Captain Weazel seemed to bo / 
 a good Christian, for he had armed himself ' 
 with patience and resignation, instead of car- > 
 nal weapons; and worked out his salvation ] 
 with fear and trembling. This piece of satire 
 occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's 
 expense, who muttered a great many oaths, 
 and threatened to cut Isaac's throat. The 
 usurer, taking hold of this menace, said, 
 ' Gentlemen and ladies, I take yoii all to wit- 
 ness, that my life is in danger from this bloody- 
 minded officer ; I'U have him bound over to 
 the peace.' This second sneer procured ano- 
 ther laugh against him, and he remained 
 crestfallen during the remaining part of our 
 journey. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM^ 
 
 20 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Btrop and I are terrified hy an Apparition — 
 Strap's Conjecture — the Mystery explained 
 hy Joey — we arrive at London — our Dress 
 and Appearance described — ice are insulted 
 in the Street— an Adventure in an Alehouse 
 — ice are imposed upon hy a waggish Foot- 
 man — Set to rights fcij a Tobacconist — take 
 Lodgings — dive for a Dinner — an Accident 
 at our Ordinary. 
 
 WE arrived at our inn, supped, and went 
 to bed ; but Strap's distemper conti- 
 nuing, he "was obliged to rise in the middle of 
 Lhe night, and taking the candle in his hand, 
 which he had left burning for the purpose, he 
 went down to the house of ofRce, whence in a 
 short time he returned in a great hurry, with 
 his hair standing on end, and a look betoken- 
 ing horror and astonishment. Without speak- 
 ing a word, he set down the light and jumped, 
 into bed behind me, where he lay and trem- 
 bled with great violence. When I asked liim 
 what was the matter, he replied, with a broken 
 accent, ' God have mercy on us ! I have seen 
 the devil!' Though my prejudice was not 
 quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed 
 at this exclamation, and much more so when 
 I heard the sound of bells approaching our 
 chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to 
 me, uttering these words, ' (Jhrist have mercy 
 upon us ; there he comes !' At that instant a 
 monstrous overgrown raven entered our cham- 
 ber, with bells at his feet, and made directly 
 towards our bed. As this creature is reck- 
 oned in our country a common vehicle for 
 the devil and witches to play their pranks in, 
 I verily believed we were haunted ; and, in a 
 violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. 
 , This terrible apparition leaped upon the bed, 
 and after giving us several severe dabs with 
 its beak through the blankets, hopped away, 
 and vanished. Strap and I recommended 
 ourselves to the protection of Heaven with 
 great devotion, and, when we no longer 
 heard the noise, ventured to peep iip and take 
 breath. But we had not been long freed from 
 this phantom, when another appeared, that 
 had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. 
 We perceived an old man enter the room, 
 with a long white beard that reached to his 
 middle; there was a certam wild peculiarity 
 in his eyes and countenance that did not savour 
 of this world ; and his dress consisted of a 
 brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the 
 wrists, with an odd-fashiojied cap of the same 
 stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I 
 had not i:)ower to move n?y e.yes from such a 
 ghastly object, but lay niotioidess, and saw 
 him come straight up to me . when he reached 
 the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with 
 a voice that did not seem to belong to a human 
 creature, ' Where is Ralph 1' ' I made no reply : 
 upon which he repeated, in an accent still 
 more preternatural, ' Where is Ralpho ? ' He 
 had no sooner pronounced these words than I 
 heard the sound of the b?lls at a distance ; 
 
 which the apparition, having listened to, 
 tripped away, and left me almost petrified 
 with fear. It was a good while before I could 
 recover myself so far as to speak ; and, when 
 at length I turned to Strap, I found him in r„ 
 fit, which, however, did not last long. Whcr. 
 he came to himself, I asked his Ofjinion of 
 what had happened ; and he assured mo that 
 the first must certainly be the soul of some 
 person damned, which appeared by the chain::, 
 about his legs (for his fears had magnified the 
 creature to the bigness of a horse, and the 
 sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of 
 massy chains). As for the old man, he took 
 it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long- 
 ago in this place, which had power granted 
 it to torment the assassin in the shape of a 
 raven, and that Ealpho was the name of the 
 said murderer. Although I had not much 
 faith in this interpretation, I was too much 
 troubled to enjoy any sleep : and in all my 
 future adventures never passed a night so ill. 
 In the morning Strap imparted the whole 
 affair to Joey, who, after an immoderate fit 
 of laughter, explained the matter, by telling 
 him that the old man was the landlord's 
 father, who had been an idiot some years, and 
 divei-ted himself with a tame raven, which, it 
 seems, had hopi^ed away from his apartmcnfi 
 in the night, and induced him to follow it to 
 our chamber ; where he had inquired after it 
 under the name of Ealpho. 
 
 Nothing remarkable happened during the 
 remaining part of our journey, which conti- 
 nued six or seven days longer : at length wo 
 entered the great city, and lodged all night at 
 the inn where the waggon put up. Next 
 morning all the passengers parted different 
 ways, while my companion and I sallied out 
 to inquire for the member of parliament, to 
 whom I had a letter of recommendation from 
 Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging 
 at the inn. Strap took up our baggage and 
 marched behind me in the street with the 
 knapsack on his back, as usual, so that we 
 made a very whimsical appearance. I had 
 dressed myselfto the greatest advantage ; that 
 is, put on a clean ru filed sh irt, and my best thread 
 stockings : my hair (which was of the deepest 
 red) hung down uiDon my shoulders, as lank 
 and straight as a pound of candles ; and the 
 skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my 
 leg ; my waistcoat and breeches were of the 
 same piece, and cut in the same taste ; and 
 my hat very much resembled a barber's basin, 
 in the shallowness of the croAvni and nar- 
 rowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a 
 much less awkward manner : but a short 
 crop-eared wig, that very much resembled 
 Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his 
 back,_added to what is called a queer phiz, 
 occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and 
 high cheekbones, rendered him, on the whole, 
 a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As 
 he walked along. Strap, at my desire, inquired 
 of a carman, whom wo mot, whereabouts 
 Mr. Cringer Jived ; and was answered by a 
 
30 
 
 rod:emck random. 
 
 stcare, accompanied witli the word ' Anan ! ' 
 Upon which I came np, in order to explain 
 the question, bnt had the misfortune to be 
 iminteliigible likewise, the carman damning 
 us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping his 
 horses with a ' Gee ho ! ' which nettled me to 
 the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap 
 so far that, after the fellow was gone a good 
 way, he told me he would fight him for a 
 farthing. 
 
 While we were deliberating upon what was 
 to be done, a hackney coachman, driving 
 softly along, and perceiving us standing by 
 the kennel, came up close to us, and calling, 
 ' A coach, master !' by a dexterous manage- 
 ment of the reins made his horses stumble in 
 the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. 
 After which exploit he drove on, applauding 
 himself with a hearty laugh, in which several 
 people joined, to my great mortification ; but 
 one, more compassionate than the rest, seeing 
 us strangers, advised me to go into an ale- 
 house, and dry myself. I thanked him for his 
 advice, which I immediately complied with ; 
 and, going into the house he pointed out, 
 called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a 
 fire in the public room, where Ave cleaned our- 
 selves as well as we could. In the meantime, 
 a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, 
 understanding, by our dialect, that we were 
 from Scotland, came up to mo. and, with a 
 grave countenance, asked how long I had 
 been caught. As I did not know the meaning 
 of this question, I made no answer ; and he 
 went on, saying it could not be a great while, 
 for my tail was not yet cut ; at the same time 
 taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink 
 to the rest of the company, who seemed 
 highly entertained Avith his wit. I was 
 incensed at this usage, but afraid of resent- 
 ing it, because I happened to be in a strange 
 place, and perceived the person who spoke to 
 me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought 
 myself by no means a match. However, Strap, 
 having either more courage or less caution, 
 could not put up with the insults I suffered, 
 but told him in a peremptory tone, ' Ho Avas 
 an micivd felloAV for making so free Avith his 
 betters.' Then the Avit going toward him, 
 asked him Avhat he had got in his knapsack ? 
 ' Is it oatmeal or brimstone, SaAVTiey r'' said 
 he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, 
 to the inexpressible diversion of all present. 
 My companion, feeling himself assaulted in 
 such an opprobrious manner, disengage<l him- 
 self in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a 
 box on the ear as made him stagger to the 
 other side of the room ; and, in a moment, a 
 ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing 
 Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being 
 heated Avith indignation, which banished all 
 other thoughts, I undressed myself to the 
 skin in an instant, and declared, that as the 
 affront that occasioned the quarrel Avas offered 
 to m»j I Avould fight it out myself; upon 
 ■which one or tAVO cried out, ' That's a brave 
 Scotch boy ; you shall have fair play.' This 
 
 assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up 
 to my adversary, Avho by his pale counte- 
 nance did not seem much inclined to the 
 battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, 
 that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the 
 ground. Then I attempted to keep him doAvn, 
 in order to improve my success, according to 
 the manner of my oAvn country, but was re- 
 strained by the spectators, one of AA'hom en- 
 deavoured to raise up my opponent, but in 
 vain ; for he protested he would not fight, for 
 he was not quite recovered of a late illness. 
 I was very well pleased with this excuse, and 
 immediately dressed myself, having acquired 
 the good opinion of the company for my 
 bravery, as Avell as of my comrade Strap, Avho 
 shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of 
 the victory. 
 
 After having drunk our pot, and dried our 
 clothes, Ave inquired of the landlord if he 
 knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, 
 and were amazed at his replying in the nega- 
 tive; for we imagined he must be altogether 
 as conspicuous here as in the borough he re- 
 presented ; but he told us Ave might possibly 
 hear of him as Ave jiassed along. We betook 
 ourselves therefore to the street, where see- 
 ing a footman standing at the door, avo made 
 lip to him, and asked if he knew Avhere our 
 patron lived ? This member of the parti- 
 coloured fraternity, survejdng us both very 
 minutely, said he kncAv Mr. Cringer A-ery well, 
 and bade us turn down the first street on our 
 left, then turn to the right, and then to the 
 left again, after Avhich perambulation we 
 would observe a lane, through Avhich avc must 
 pass, and at the other end Ave should find an 
 alley that leads to another street, Avhere avo 
 should see the sign of the Thistle and Three 
 Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked 
 him for his information, and went forAvards, 
 Strap telling me, that he knew this person to 
 be an honest friendly man by his countenance, 
 before he opened his mouth ; in Avhich opinion 
 I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to 
 the company he daily saAV in the house Avhere 
 he served. 
 
 We folloAved his directions punctually, in 
 turning to the left, and to the right, and to 
 the left again ; but instead of seeing a lane 
 before us, found ourselves at the side of the 
 river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a 
 little ; and my fellow-traveller ventured to 
 pronounce, that we had certainly missed our 
 way. By this time Ave Avere pretty much 
 fatigued Avith our walk, and not knoAving hovv- 
 to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop 
 hard by, encouraged by the sign of the Higli- 
 lander, where I found, to my inexpressible 
 satisfaction, the shopkeeper Avas my country- 
 man. Ho was no sooner informed of our 
 peregrination, and the directions we had re- 
 ceived from the footman, than he informed 
 us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. 
 Cringer liA'ed in the other end of the toAvn ; 
 and that it Avoidd bo to no purpose for us to 
 go thither to-day, for by that time ho was 
 
EOBERICK RANDOM. 
 
 31 
 
 gone to tho House. I then asked, if he could 
 recommend us to a lodging-. He readily gave 
 us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept 
 a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's 
 Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two 
 pair of stairs, at the rate of two shillings 
 per week, so very small, that when the 
 bed was let down, we were obliged to carry 
 out every other piece of furniture that be- 
 longed to the apartment, and use the bedstead 
 by way of chairs. About dinner-time, our 
 landlord asked how we proposed to live ? to 
 which interrogation we answered, that we 
 would be directed by him. ' Well, then,' says 
 he, ' there are two ways of eating in this town 
 for people of your condition — the one more 
 creditable and expensive than the other : the 
 first is to dine at an eating-house frequented 
 by well-dressed people only ; and the other 
 is called diving, practised by those who are 
 either obliged or inclined to live frugally.' I 
 gave him to understand that, provided the 
 last was not infamous, it would suit much 
 better ■with our circumstances than the other. 
 ' Infamous !' cried he, ' not at all ; there are 
 many creditable people, rich people, ay, and 
 fine people, that dive every day. I have seen 
 , many a pretty gentleman with a laced waist- 
 coat dine in that manner very comfortably for 
 three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to 
 the coffeehouse, where he made a figure with 
 the best lord in tho land ; but your own eyes 
 shall bear witness — I will go along with you 
 to-day and introduce you.' 
 
 He accordingly conducted us to a certain 
 lane, where stopping, he bade us observe him, 
 and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, 
 dived into a cellar and disappeared in an in- 
 stant. I followed his example, and descending 
 very successfully, found myself in the middle 
 of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with tho 
 steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a 
 company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, 
 draymen, and a few footmen out of X'l'T'Ce or 
 on board-wages ; who sat eating shin of beef, 
 tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate 
 boards, covered with cloths which turned my 
 stomach. "While I stood iq amaze, undeter- 
 mined whether to sit down or walk upwards 
 again. Strap, in his descent, missing one of 
 the steps, tumbled headlong into this infernal 
 ordinary, and overturned the cook as she 
 carried a porringer of soup to one of the 
 guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole 
 mess against the legs of a drummer belonging 
 to tho foot-guards, who happened to be in 
 her way, and scalded him so miserably, that 
 he started up, and danced up and down, ut- 
 tering a volley of execrations that made my 
 hair stand on end. 
 
 While he entertained the company in this 
 manner, with an eloquence peculiar to him- 
 self, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse 
 on the poor author of this mischance, who 
 lay under the table with a woful countenance, 
 emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping 
 down the patient's stocking, which brought 
 
 the skin along with it, applied the contents to 
 the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, 
 when the drummer, who had begun to abate 
 of his exclamations, broke forth into such a 
 hideous yell as made the whole company 
 tremble ; then, seizing a pewter pint pot that 
 stood by him, squeezed tho sides of it to- 
 gether, as if it had been made of pliant lea- 
 ther, grindmg his teeth at the same time with 
 a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of 
 this violent transport, I bade the woman 
 wash off the salt, and bathe the part with 
 oil, which she did, and procured him immediate 
 ease. But here another difficulty occurred, 
 which was no other than the landlady's in- 
 sisting on his paying for the pot he had 
 rendered useless. He said, he would pay for 
 nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her 
 be thankful for his moderation, or else he 
 would prosecute her for damages. Strap, 
 foreseeing the whole aft'air would lie at his 
 door, promised to satisfy the cook, and called 
 for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, 
 which entirely appeased him, and composed 
 all animosities. After this accommodation, 
 our landlord and we sat down at a board, and 
 dined upon shin of beef most deliciously ; our 
 reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny 
 each, bread and small beer included. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 We visit Strap' s friend — a description of liim 
 — his advice — we go to Mr. Cringer's house 
 — are deiued admittance — an Accident^ he- 
 falls Strap — his hehavtoicr therewpon — an 
 extraordinary adventure occurs,in the course 
 of which I lose all my money. 
 
 IN the afternoon my companion proposed to 
 call at his friend's house, which, we were 
 informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither 
 we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to 
 find him at home. This gentleman, who had 
 come from Scotland three or four years before, 
 kept a school in to-wTi, where he taught the 
 Latin, French, and Italian languages ; but 
 what ho chiefly professed was the pronuncia- 
 tion of tho English tongue, after a method 
 more speedy and uncommon than any prac- 
 tised heretofore ; and, indeed, if his scholars 
 spoke like their master, the latter part of his 
 undertaking was certainly performed to a 
 tittle : for although I could easily iinderstand 
 every word of what I had heard hitherto 
 since I entered England, three parts in four 
 of his dialect wore as unintelligible to me as 
 if he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was 
 a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, 
 though not above the age of forty ; his face 
 was frightfully pitted with the small-pox, 
 and his mouth extended from ear to ear. Ho 
 was dressed in a nightgown of plaid, fastened 
 about his middle with a sergeant's old sash, 
 and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches 
 high, in the fashion of King Charles tho 
 Second's reign. 
 
32 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 After he had received Strap, who was re- 
 lated to him, very courteously, he inquired of 
 him who I was ; and being informed, he took 
 me by the hand, telling me he was at school 
 with my father. Wlien he understood my 
 situation, he assured me that he would do me 
 all the service in his power, both by his ad- 
 vice and otherwise ; and while he_ spoke these 
 words eyed me with great attention, walking 
 j-ound me several times, and muttering, ' Oh, 
 dear ! oh, dear ! fat a saight is here ! ' I soon 
 guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and 
 said, ' I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with 
 my dress.' ' Dress ! ' answered he, ' you may 
 caal it fat you please in your country, but I 
 vow to Gad 'tis a masquerade here. No 
 Christian will admit such a figure into his 
 Loose. Upon my conscience, I wonder the 
 dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through 
 St. James's market ? Bless my eyesaight ! 
 you look like a cousin-german of an ourang- 
 outang.' I began to be a little serious at this 
 discourse, and asked him, if he thought I 
 should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house 
 of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended 
 for an introduction into business ? ' Mr. Crin- 
 ger, Mr. Cringer,' replied he, scratching his 
 cheek, 'may be a very honest gentleman 
 —I know nothing to the contrary ; but is 
 your sole dependence upon him? Who re- 
 commended you to him ? ' I pulled out Mr. 
 Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of 
 my hopes, at which he stared at me, and re- 
 peated ' Oh dear ! Oh dear ! ' I began to con- 
 ceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, 
 and begged he would assist me with his ad- 
 vice, which he promised to give very frankly ; 
 and as a specimen, directed us to a periwig 
 warehouse in the neighbourhood, in order to 
 be accommodated ; laying strong injunctions 
 on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I 
 had parted with my carroty locks, which, ho 
 said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy 
 against me in all mankind. And as we were 
 going to pursue this advice, he called me back 
 and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into 
 Mr. Cringer's oAvn hand. 
 
 As we walked along. Strap triumphed 
 greatly in our reception with his friend, who, 
 it seems, had assured him he would in a day 
 or two provide for him with some good master ; 
 ' and now,' says he, ' you will see how I will 
 fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber in 
 London (and that's a bold word) can palm a 
 rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair, 
 upon me.' And, indeed, this zealous ad- 
 liercnt did wrangle so long with the mer- 
 chant, that he was desired twenty times to 
 leave the shop, and see if he could get one 
 cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice 
 of a good handsome bob, for which I paid ten 
 shillings, and returned to our lodging, where 
 Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which 
 had given the schoolmaster so much offence. 
 
 We got up next day betimes, having been 
 informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by 
 candle-light to all his dependents, he hiiQself 
 
 being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord 
 Terrier at break of day, because his lordship 
 made one at the minister's between eight and 
 nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's 
 door. Strap, to give me an instance of his 
 politeness, ran to the knocker, which he em- 
 ployed so loud and so long, that he alarmed 
 the whole street ; and a window oi^ening in 
 the second story of the next house, a vessel 
 was discharged upon him so successfully, 
 that the poor barber was wet to the skin ; 
 while I, being luckily r± som.e distance, es- 
 caped the unsavoury deluge. In the mean- 
 time, a footman opening the door, and seeing 
 nobody in the street but us, asked, Avith a 
 stern countenance, if it was I who made such 
 a noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had 
 business with his master, whom I desired to 
 see. Upon which he slappea the door in my 
 face, telling me T must learn better manners 
 before I could Lave access to his master. 
 Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my 
 resentment against Strap, whom I sharply 
 reprimanded for his presumption ; but he, 
 not in the least regarding what I said, wrung 
 the wet out of his periwig, and lifting up a 
 large stone, flung it with such force against 
 the street door of that house from whence he 
 had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, 
 it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, 
 leaving me to follow him as I could. Lideed, 
 there was no time for deliberation ; I there- 
 fore pursued him with all the speed I could 
 exert, until we found ourselves about the 
 dawn in a street we did not know. Here, as 
 we wandered along gaping about, a very de- 
 cent sort of a man, passing by me, stopped of 
 a suddea and took up something, which hav- 
 ing examined, he turned and presented to me 
 Avith these words : ' Sir, you have dropped 
 half-a-crown.' I was not a little surprised at 
 this instance of honesty, and told him it did 
 not belong to me ; but he bade me recollect, 
 and see if all my money was safe ; upon 
 which I pulled out my purse, for I had bought 
 one since I came to town, and, reckoning my 
 money in my hand, which was now reduced 
 to five guineas seven shillings and twopence, 
 assured him I had k st nothing. ' Well, then,' 
 says he, ' so much the better ; this is a god- 
 send, and as you two were present when I 
 l^icked it up, you are entitled to equal shares 
 with me.' I was astonished at these words, 
 and looked upon this person to be a prodigy 
 of integrity, but absolutely refused to take 
 any part of the sum. ' Come, gentlemen,' 
 said he, ' you are too modest — I see you are 
 strangers; but you shall give mc leave to 
 treat you with a whet this cold raw morning.' 
 I would have declined the invitation, but 
 Strap whispered to me that the gentleman 
 would be affronted, and I complied. ' Where 
 shall we go ? ' said the stranger ; ' I am quite 
 ignorant of this part of the town.' I in- 
 formed him that we were in the same situa- 
 tion ; upon which he proposed to go into the 
 first public-house we should find open; and 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 r>3 
 
 as we walked together, he bogan in this man- 
 ner : ' I timl by your tongues you are from 
 Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by 
 the father's side was of your country, and I 
 am so prepossessed in its favour, that I never 
 meet a Scotchman but my heart -warms. The 
 Scots are very brave people. There is scarce 
 a great family in the kingdom that cannot 
 boast of some exploits performed by its an- 
 cestors many hundred years ago. There's your 
 Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. 
 We have no such ancient families here in Eng- 
 land. Then you are all very well educated. I 
 have known a pedlar talk in Greek and He- 
 brew as well as if they had been his mother- 
 tongue. And for honesty — I once had a ser- 
 vant, hisname wasGregor Macgregor, I would 
 have trusted him with untold gold.' 
 
 This eulogium on my native country gained 
 my affections so strongly, that I believe I 
 could have gone to death to serve the author ; 
 and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, 
 as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we 
 perceived a public-house, which we entered, 
 and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking 
 a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our 
 new acquaintance asked us if ever we had 
 drunk egg-flip ? To which question we an- 
 swering in the negative, he assured us of a 
 regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, 
 calling for pipes and tobacco at the same 
 time. We found this composition very palate- 
 able, and drank heartily; the conversation, 
 Avhich was introduced by the gentleman, turn- 
 ing upon the snares that young inexperienced 
 people are exposed to in this metropolis. He 
 described a thousand cheats that are daily 
 practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and 
 warned us of them with so much good nature 
 and concern, that we blessed the opportunity 
 which threw us in his way. After we had 
 put the can about for some time, our new 
 friend began to yawn, telling us he had been 
 up all night with a sick person ; and proposed 
 we should have recourse to some diversion to 
 keep him awake. ' Suppose,' said he, ' we 
 should take a hand at whist for pastime. 
 But let me see ; that won't do, there's only 
 three of us ; and I cannot play at any other 
 game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, 
 but out of complaisance, or at such a time as 
 this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.' 
 
 Although I was not much inclined to 
 gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour 
 or two at cards with a friend ; and knowing 
 that Strap understood as much of the matter 
 as I, made no scruple of saying, ' I wish we 
 could find a fourth hand.' While we were in 
 this perplexity, the person whom we found in 
 the house at our entrance, overhearing our 
 discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very 
 gravely, and accosted us thus : ' Gentlemen, 
 my pipe is out, you see,' shaking the ashes 
 into the fire, ' and rather than you should be 
 balked, I don't care if I take a hand with 
 you for a trifle— but remember I won't play 
 for anything of consequence.' We accepted 
 
 his profTur with pleasure. Having cut for 
 partners, it fell to my lot to jday with him 
 against our friend and Strap, for threepence 
 a game. We were so successful, that in a 
 short time I was half-a-crown gainer ; when 
 the gentleman whom we had met iu the street 
 observing he had no luck to-day, proposed i „■ 
 leave ofl", or change partners. By this tiir --i 
 I was inflamed with my good fortune and tl>e 
 expectation of impro^dug it, as I perceived tho 
 two strangers played but indiflferently; there- 
 fore I voted for giving him his revenge : and 
 cutting again. Strap and I, to our mutuf.I 
 satisfaction, happened to be partners. My 
 good fortune attended me still, and in le?« 
 than an hour we had got thirty shillings 
 of their money ; for as they lost they gro '.v 
 the keener, and doubled stakes every time. 
 At last the inconstant goddess began to veer 
 about, and we were very soon stripped of all 
 our gains, and about forty shillings of our 
 own money. This loss mortified me ex- 
 tremely, and had a visible efiect on tho 
 muscles of Strap's face, which lengthened 
 apace ; but our antagonists perceiving our 
 condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve 
 our loss, and console ourselves with a new 
 acquisition. Then my companion wisely sug- 
 gested it was time to be gone ; upon which 
 the person who had joined us in the house 
 began to curse the cards, and muttered that 
 v/e were indebted to fortune only for what 
 we had got, no part of our success being 
 owing to our good play. This insinuation 
 nettled me so much that I challenged him to 
 a game at piquet for a crown : and he was 
 with difiiculty persuaded to accept the invi- 
 tation. This contest ended in less than an 
 hour to my inexpressible aflliction, who lost 
 every shilling of my own money. Strip abso- 
 lutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence. 
 The gentleman at whose request we had 
 come in, perceiving by my disconsolate looks 
 the situation of my heart, which well nigh 
 burst with grief and resentment, when the 
 other stranger got up, and went away with 
 my money, began in this manner : — ' I am 
 truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would 
 willingly repair it, were it in my power. But 
 what in the name of goodness could provoke 
 you to tempt your fate so long ? It is always 
 a maxim ^vdth gamesters to pursue success as 
 far as it will go, and to stop whenever for- 
 tune shifts about. You are a young man, 
 and your passions are too impetuous ; you 
 must learn to govern them better. However, 
 there is no experience like that which is 
 bought ; you will be the better for this the 
 longest day you have to live. As for the 
 fellow who has got your money, I don't half 
 like him. Did not you observe me tip you 
 the wink to leave off in time >' I answered, 
 ' No.' ' No,' continued he ; ' you was too 
 eager to mind anything but the game. But, 
 harkee,' said he in a whisper, ' are you satis- 
 fied of that young man's honesty ? his looks 
 are a little suspicious — but I may be mi?- 
 
RODERICK RANDOMo 
 
 taken ; he made a groat many grimaces while 
 he stood behind you : this is a very wicked 
 town.' I told him I was very well convinced 
 of my comrade's integ'rity, and that the gri- 
 maces he mentioned were doubtless owing to 
 his anxiety at my loss. 'Oh ho ! if that be 
 the case, "^I ask his pardon. Landlord, see 
 what's to pay.' The reckoning amounted to 
 eighteenpence, which, having discharged, the 
 gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, 
 sayinp: he should be very glad to see us again, 
 departed. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Strap moralises — presents his purse to me — 
 we inform our landlord of my misfortune — 
 Jia unravels the mystery — I present myself 
 to Cringer — he recommends and turns me 
 over to Mr. Staytape — I become acquainted 
 with a fellow dependent, who explains the 
 character of Cringer and Staytape — and 
 informs me of the 'method to be pursued at 
 the Navy Office and Surgeons' Hall— Strap 
 is employed. 
 
 IN our way to our lodging, after a profound 
 silence on both sides. Strap, with a hid- 
 eous groan, observed that we had brought our 
 pigs to a fine market. To this observation I 
 made no reply, and he went on : ' God send 
 us well out of this place ; we have not been in 
 London eight and forty hours, and I believe 
 we have met with eight and forty thousand 
 misfortunes. Wo have been jeered, re- 
 proached, buffeted, and at last stript of our 
 noney ; and I suppose by and bye we shall 
 oe stript of our skins. Indeed, as to the 
 money part of it, that was owing to our 
 own folly. Solomon says, " Bray a fool in a 
 mortar, and he will never be wise." Ah ! 
 Tod help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a 
 jound of gold.' This was no time for him to 
 a.mper with my disposition, already mad with 
 my loss, and inflamed with resentment against 
 him for having refused me a little money to 
 attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned 
 towards him with a stem countenance, and 
 asked, who he called fool ? Being altogether 
 unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood 
 still, and stared in my face for some time ; 
 then, with some confusion, uttered, ' Fool ! I 
 called nobody fool but myself ; I am sure I am 
 the greatest fool of the two, for being so much 
 concerned at other people's misfortunes ; but 
 Nemo onnibiis IwHs sapit — that's all — that's 
 all.' Upon which a silence ensued that brought 
 us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon 
 the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to 
 perish rather than apply to my companion, or 
 any other body, for relief; but Strap, who 
 knew my temper, and whose heart bled ^vithin 
 him at my distress, after some pause came to 
 the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse 
 into my hand, burst into tears, crying, ' I 
 know what you think ; but I scorn your 
 tlioughts. There's all I have in the world, 
 
 take it, and I'll perhaps get more for yon 
 before that be done. If not, I'll beg for you, 
 steal for you, go through the wide world with 
 you, and starve with you ; for though I be a 
 poor cobbler's son, I am no scout.' I was so 
 touched with the generous passion of this 
 poor creature, that 1 could not refrain frdm 
 weeping also, and we mingled our tears to- 
 gether for some time. Upon examining the 
 purse, I found in it two half-guineas and half- 
 a-crown, which I would have returned to him, 
 sajdng, he knew better than I how to manage 
 it, but he absolutely refused my proposal, and 
 told me, it was more reasonable and decent 
 that he should depend upon me, who was a 
 gentleman, than that I should be controlled 
 by him. 
 
 After this friendly contest was over, and 
 our minds more at ease, we informed our land- 
 lord of what had happened to us, taking care 
 to conceal the extremity to which we were re- 
 duced. He no sooner heard the story, than 
 he assured us we had been grievously imposed 
 upon by a couple of sharpers, who were asso- 
 ciates ; and that this polite, honest, friendly, 
 humane person, who had treated us so civilly, 
 was no other than a rascally money-dropper, 
 who made it his business to decoy strangers 
 in that manner to one of his own haunts, 
 where an accomplice or two were always wait- 
 ing to assist in pillaging the prey he had run 
 down. Here the good man recounted a great 
 many stories of people who had been seduced, 
 cheated, pilfered, beat — nay, even murdered, 
 by such villams. I was confounded at the 
 artifice and wickedness of mankind ; and 
 Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to hea- 
 ven, prayed that God would deliver him from 
 such scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil 
 had set up his throne in London. Our land- 
 lord being- curious to know what reception we 
 had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted 
 him with the particulars, at which he shook 
 his head, and told us we had not gone the 
 right way to work ; that there was nothing to 
 be done with a member of parliament without 
 a bribe ; that the servant was commonly in- 
 fected with the master's disease, and expected 
 to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. 
 He therefore advised me to give the footman 
 a shilling the next time I should desire admit- 
 tance to my patron, or else I should scarce 
 find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Ac- 
 cordingly, next morning, when the door was 
 opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and 
 told him I had a letter for his master. I found 
 the good effects of my liberality ; for the fel- 
 low let me in immediately, and, taking the 
 letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in 
 a kind of passage for an answer. In this 
 place I continued standing for three-quarters- 
 of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great 
 many young fellows whom I formerly knew in 
 Scotland pass and repass, with an air of fami- 
 liarity, in their way to and from the audience- 
 chamber ; while I was fain to stand shivering 
 in the cold, and turn my back to them, that 
 
RVDERIUK RANDOM. 
 
 .•3S 
 
 they might not perceive the lo'wiiess of my 
 condition. At length, Mr. Cringer came out 
 to see a young gentleman to the door, who 
 was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a 
 very gay suit of clothes ; at parting, Mr. Cringer 
 shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped 
 to have the pleasure of his company at din- 
 ner. Then, turning about towards me, asked 
 what were my commands ? AVheu he under- 
 stood I was the person who had brought the let- 
 ter from Mr. Crab, ho affected to recollect my 
 name, which, however, he pretended he could 
 not do till he had consulted the letter again ; 
 to save him the trouble, I told him my name 
 was Random. Upon which he went on, ' Ay 
 ay, Random, Random, Random — I think I 
 remember the name : ' and very well he might, 
 for this very individual, Mr. Cringer, had 
 many a time rode before my grandfather's 
 cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. ' Well,' 
 says he, ' you propose to go on board a man- 
 of-war as surgeon's mate.' I replied by a low 
 bow. ' I believe it will be a difficult matter,' 
 continued he, 'to procure a wan-ant, there 
 being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons 
 at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next 
 vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of 
 being torn to pieces, and have actually applied 
 for a guard to protect them. However, some 
 ships will soon bo put in commission, and 
 then we shall see what's to be done.' So saj-- 
 ing, he left me, exceedingly mortified at the 
 difl'crent reception Mr. Gawky and I had met 
 with from this upsiart, proud, mean member, 
 who, I imagined, would have been glad of an 
 opportunity to be grateful for the obligations 
 he owed to my family. 
 
 At my return, I was surprised with the agree- 
 able news of Strap's being employed, on the re- 
 commendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, 
 by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, 
 who allowed him five shillings per week, 
 besides bed and board. I continued to dance 
 attendance every other morning at the levee 
 of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight ; in which 
 time I became acquainted with a young fellow 
 of my own country and profession, who also 
 depended on the member's interest, but was 
 treated with much more respect than I, both 
 by the servants and master, and often ad- 
 mitted into a parlour, where there was a fire 
 for the convenience of the better sort of those 
 who waited for him. Thither I was never 
 permitted to penetrate, on account of my 
 appearance, which was not at all fashionable ; 
 but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers 
 in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity 
 of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak 
 with him. 
 
 One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a 
 person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no 
 sooner saw, than, running towards him, he 
 saluted him with a low bow to the very ground, 
 and afterwards shaking him by the hand with 
 great heartiness and familiarity, called him 
 his good friend, and asked very kindly after 
 Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then, 
 
 after a whisper, which continued some 
 minutes, wherein I overheard the word honour 
 repeated sevei-al times with great emphasis, 
 Ml". Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, 
 as to a person whoso advice and as.sistanco I 
 might depend upon ; and having given me 
 his direction, followed me to the door, where 
 he told me 1 need not give myself the trouble 
 to call at his house any more, for Mr. Stay- 
 tape would do my business. At that instant, 
 my fellow-dependent, coming out after me, 
 overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, 
 making up to me in the street, accosted me 
 very civilly : this address I looked upon as no 
 small honour, considering the figure he made; 
 for ho was dressed in a blue frock with a gold 
 button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed witli 
 gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stock- 
 ings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a 
 spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with 
 a fine clouded cane in his hand. ' I perceive,' 
 says he, ' you are but lately come from Scot- 
 land ; pray what may your business with Mr. 
 Cringer be ? I suppose it is no secret, and I 
 may possibly give you some advice that will 
 be serviceable ; for I have been surgeon's 
 second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, 
 and consequently know a good deal of the 
 world.' 
 
 I made no scruple to disclose my situation, 
 which, when he had learned, he shook his 
 head, and told mc he had been pretty much 
 in the same circumstances about a year ago ; 
 that he had relied on Cringer's promises, until 
 his money (which was considerable) as well as 
 his credit, was quite exhausted ; and when he 
 wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, in- 
 stead of money he received nothing but re- 
 proaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched 
 fellow. That after he had waited at the 
 Navj' Office many months for a warrant to no 
 purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his 
 clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith 
 he bribed the secretary. Mho soon procured a 
 warrant for him, notwithstanding he had 
 affirmed the same day, that there \\as not 
 one vacancy. That he had gone on board, 
 where he remained nine months, at the end 
 of which the ship was put out of commission ; 
 and he said the company were to be paid off 
 in Broad Street the very next day. That his 
 relations being reconciled to him, had charged 
 him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. 
 Cringer, who had informed them by letter 
 that his interest alone had procured the 
 warrant; in obedience to which command, 
 he came to his levee every morning; as 1 
 saw, though he looked upon him to be a very 
 pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked 
 me if I had yet passed at Surgeons' Hall ? 
 To which question I answered, I did not so 
 much as know it was necessary. ' Necessary ! ' 
 cried he, ' Oh then I find I must instruct you ; 
 come along with me, and I'll give you some 
 information about that matter.' So saying, 
 he carried me into an ale-house, where ho 
 called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on 
 
36 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 which we breakfasted. While wo sat in this 
 place, he told me I must first go to tlie Navy 
 Office, and write to the Board, desiring them 
 tj order a letter for me to Surgeon's Hall, 
 that I might be examined, toucliing my skill 
 in surgery. That the surgeons, after having 
 examined me, would give me my qualification 
 sealed up in form of a letter directed to the 
 commissioners, which qualification I must de- 
 liver to t'iC secretary of the Board, who would 
 open it in my presence, and read the contents ; 
 after which! must employ my interest to be 
 provided for as soon as possible. That the 
 expense of his qualification for second mate 
 of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, 
 exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half-a- 
 guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to 
 the secretary, which consistedof a three-pound- 
 twelve piece. Tliis calcidation was like a 
 thunderbolt to me, whoso whole fortune did 
 not amount to twelve shillings. I accordingly 
 made him acquainted with this part of my dis- 
 tress, after having thanked him for his informa- 
 tion and advice. He condoled me on this occa- 
 sion ; but bade me be of good cheer, for he 
 had conceived a friendship for mo, and would 
 make all things easy. Ho was run out at 
 present, but to-morrow or next day, he was 
 certain of receiving a considerable sum ; of 
 which he would lend me what would be suffi- 
 cient to answer my exigencies. This frank 
 declaration pleased me so much, that 1 pulled 
 out my purse and emptied it before him, 
 begging him to take what he pleased for 
 pocket-expense, until he should receive his 
 own money. With a good deal of pressing, 
 he was prevailed upon to take five shillings, 
 telling me that he might have what money 
 he wanted at any time for the trouble of 
 going into the city ; but as he had mot with 
 me, he would defer his going thither till to- 
 morrow, wlicn I should go along with him, 
 and he would put mo in the way of acting for 
 myself, without a ser\-ile dependence on that 
 rascal Cringcr, much less on the tailor to 
 whom he heard him turn mo over. ' How !' 
 cried I, ' is Mr. Staytape a tailor ?' ' No less, I 
 assure you,' answered he, ' and, I confess, more 
 likely to serve you than the member; for, 
 provided you can entertain him with politics 
 and conumdrums, you may have credit with 
 him for as many and as rich clothes as you 
 please.' I told him, I was utterly ignorant 
 of both, and so incensed at Cringer's usage, 
 that I would never set foot within his door 
 again. 
 
 After a good deal more conversation, my 
 new acquaintance and I parted, having made 
 an appointment to meet next day at the same 
 place, in order to set out for the city. I went 
 immediately to Strap, and related everything 
 which had happened, but he did not at all 
 approve of my being so forward to lend money 
 to a stranger, especially as we had already 
 been so much imposed upon by appearances. 
 ' However,' said he, ' if you are sure he is a 
 Scotchman, I believe you are safe.' 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 My new acquaintance hrealis an aiopointmeni 
 — I proceed, by myself, to the NoAnj Office — ■ 
 address myself to a person there, who assist 
 me ifith his advice — write to the Board, they 
 grant me a letter io the Surgeons at tlie 
 Hall — am, xnformed of the beau's name and 
 character — find Mm — he makes me his con- 
 fidant m ayi amour — desires me to pawn 
 my li7ien for his occasions — recover what I 
 lent him — some curious observations of Strap 
 on that occasion — his vanity. 
 
 IN the morning I rose and went to the place 
 of rendezvous, where I waited two hours 
 in vain ; and Avas so exasperated against him 
 for breaking his appointment, that I set out 
 for the city by myself, in hope of finding the 
 villain, and being revenged on him for hia 
 breach of promise. At length I found myself 
 at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw 
 crowds of young fellows walking below, many 
 of whom made no better appearance than 
 myself. I consulted the physiognomy of each, 
 and at last made up to one whose countenance 
 I liked, and asked, if he could instruct me in 
 the form of the letter which was to be sent to 
 the Board to obtain an order for examination ? 
 He answered me in broad Scotch, that he 
 would show me the copy of what he had writ 
 for himself, by direction of another who knew 
 the form, and accordingly pulled it out of his 
 pocket for my perusal ; and told me that if 
 I was expeditious, I might send it in to tne 
 Board before dinner, for they did no business 
 in the afternoon. He then went with me to 
 a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the 
 letter, which was immediately delivered to 
 the messenger, who told me I might expect 
 an order to-morrow about the same time. 
 
 Having transacted this piece of business, my 
 mind was a good deal composed ; and as I had 
 met with so much civility from the stranger, 
 I desired further acquaintance with him, 
 fully resolved, however, not to bo deceived 
 by him so much to my prejudice as I had 
 been by the beau. He agreed to dine with 
 me at the cook's shop which I frequented; 
 and on our way thither carried me to 'Change, 
 where I was in hopes of finding Mr. Jackson 
 (for that was the name of the person who had 
 broke his appointment). I sought him there 
 to no purpose, and on our way towards the 
 other end of the town imparted to mj' com- 
 panion his behaviour towards me; upon 
 w^hich he gave me to understand, that he was 
 no stranger to the name of Beau Jackson (so 
 he was called at the Navy Office), although ho 
 did not know him personally ; that he had the 
 character of a good-natured careless fellow, 
 who made no scruple of borrowing from any 
 that would lend ; that most people who knew 
 liim believed he had a good principle at bot- 
 tom, but his extravagance was such, he would 
 probably never have it in his power to mani- 
 fest the honesty of his intention. This made 
 me sw-eat for my five shillings, which I never- 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 37 
 
 theloss did not altog:other despair of recover- 
 ing, provided I could find out the debtor. 
 
 This young man likewise added another 
 circumstance of Squire Jackson's history, 
 which was, that being destitute of all means 
 to equip himself for sea, when he received 
 his last warrant, he had been recommended 
 to a person who lent him a little money, after 
 he had signed a will entitling that person to 
 lift his wages when they should become due, 
 as also to inherit his effects in case of his 
 death. That he was still under the tutorage 
 and direction of that gentleman, who ad- 
 vanced him small sums from time to time 
 upon this security, at the rate of fifty per 
 cent. But at present his credit was very low, 
 because his funds would do little more than 
 pay what he had already received, this mode- 
 rate interest included. After the stranger 
 (whose name was Thompson) had entertained 
 me with this account of Jackson, he informed 
 me that he himself had passed for third mate 
 of a third-rate, about four months ago ; 
 since which time he had constantly attended 
 at the Navy Office, in hope of a warrant, 
 having been assured from the beginning, both 
 by a Scotch member, and one of the commis- 
 sioners to whom the member recommended 
 him, that he should be put into the first 
 vacancy ; notwithstanding which promise, ho 
 had the mortification to see six or seven ap- 
 pointed in the same station almost every 
 week — that now, being utterly impoverished, 
 his sole hope consisted in the promise of a 
 friend lately come to town, to lend him a 
 small matter, for a present to the secretary ; 
 without which he was persuaded ho might 
 wait a thousand years to no purpose. I con- 
 ceived a mighty liking for this young fcilow, 
 whicli (I believe) proceeded from the simili- 
 tude of our fortunes. We spent the wholo 
 day together ; and as he lived at Wapping, 
 I desired him to take a share of my bed. 
 
 Next day we returned to the Navy Ofiico, 
 where, after being called before the Board, 
 and questioned about the place of my nativity 
 and education, they ordered a letter to bo 
 made out for me, which, upon paying half-a- 
 crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered 
 into the hands of the clerk at Surgeon's Hall, 
 together with a shilling for his trouble in 
 registering my name. By this time my whole 
 stock was diminished to two shillings, and I 
 saw not the least prospect of relief, even for 
 present subsistence, much less to enable me 
 to pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my ex- 
 amination, which would come on in a fort- 
 night. In this state of perplexity, I consulted 
 Strap, who assured me he would pawn every- 
 thing he had in the world, even to his razors, 
 before I should want ■ but this expedient I 
 absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a 
 thousand times rather Ust for a soldier, of 
 which I had some thoughts, than be any longer 
 a burden to him. At the word soldier, he 
 grew pale as death, and begged on his knees 
 I would think no more of that scheme. ' God 
 
 Reserve ns in all our right wits !' cried he, 
 ' would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent 
 abroad against the Spaniards, where j'ou 
 must stand and be shot at like a woodcock ? 
 Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcase, and 
 let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my 
 forefathers have done ? "What signifies all 
 earthly riches and honours, if one enjoys not 
 content ? and, hereafter, there is no respect 
 of persons. Better be a poor honest barber 
 with a good conscience, and time to repent of 
 my sins upon my death-bed, than bo cut off 
 (God bless us !) bj' a musket-shot, as it were 
 in the very flower of one's age, in the pursuit 
 of riches and fame. What signify riches, my 
 dear friend P do they not make unto them- 
 selves wings and fly away ? as the wise man 
 saith. I could also mention many other 
 sayings in contempt of riches, both from the 
 Bible and other good books ; but as I know 
 you are not very fond of those things, I shall 
 only assure you, that if you take on to bo a 
 soldier, I will do the same ; and then if we 
 should both be slain, you will not only have 
 your own blood to answer for, but mine also : 
 and peradventure the lives of all those whom 
 we shall kill in battle. Therefore I pray you, 
 consider whether you will sit down contented 
 with smal .things, and share the fruits of my 
 industry in peace, till Providence shall send 
 better tidings ; or, by your despair, i)lunge 
 both our souls and bodies into everlasting / 
 perdition, which God of his infinite mercy 
 forbid !' I could not help smiling at this 
 haranprue, which was delivered with great 
 earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes all 
 the time, and promised to do nothing of that 
 sort without his consent and concurrence. 
 He was much comforted with this declara- 
 tion ; and told me in a few days he should re- 
 ceive a v/eek's wapes, which should be at my 
 service, but advised me in the meantime to go 
 in quest of Jack.son, an I recover, if possible, 
 what he had borrowed of me. I accordingly 
 trudged about/rom one end of the town to the 
 other, for several days, without being able to 
 learn anything certain concerning him : and, 
 one day being extremely hungry, and allured 
 by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a 
 boiling cellar, I went down with an intention 
 to prratify my appetite with a twopennyworth 
 of beef ; when, to my no small surpri.se, I 
 found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a 
 footman. He no sooner perceived me than 
 he got up and shook me by the hand, saying, 
 ' He was glad to see me, for he intended 
 to have called at my lodgings in the after- 
 noon.' I was so well pleased at this ren- 
 counter, and the apologies he made for not 
 keeping his appointment, that I forgot my 
 resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the 
 happy expectation of not only recovering my 
 own money before we should part, but also of 
 reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me 
 wherewithal to pass examination ; and this 
 hope my sanguine complexion suggested, 
 though the account Thompson gave me of 
 
36 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 him ought to have moderated my expecta- 
 tion. 
 
 AVhenwe had feasted sumptuously, he took 
 his leave of the footman, and adjourned with 
 me to an ale-house hard by, where, after 
 shaking me by the hand again, he began thus : 
 ' I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Ran- 
 dom, and I do confess that appearances are 
 against me. But I dare say you will forgive 
 me when I tell you, my not coming at the 
 time appointed was owing to a peremptory 
 message I received from a certain lady, whom, 
 harkeo ! (but this is a groat secret) I am to 
 marry vci-y soon. You think this strange, 
 perhaps, but it is not less true for all that— 
 a five thousand pounder, I'll assure you, be- 
 sides expectations. For my own part, devil 
 take me if I know what any woman can see 
 engaging about me — but a whim, you know 
 — and then one would not balk one's good 
 fortune. You saw that footman who dined 
 with us — he's one of the honestest fellows 
 that ever wore livery. You must know it 
 was by his means I was introduced to her, 
 for he made me first acquainted with her 
 woman, who is his mistress — ay, many a 
 crown has he and his sweetheart had of my 
 money — but what of that? things are now 
 brought to a bearing. I have — (come a httle 
 this way) I have proposed marriage, and the 
 day is fixed — she's a charming creature, and 
 writes like an angel ! She can repeat all the 
 English tragedies as well as e'er a player in 
 Drury Lane ! — and, indeed, is so fond of plays, 
 that to bo near the stage she has taken lodg- 
 ings in a court hard by the theatre ; but you 
 shall see — you shall see — here's the last letter 
 she sent me.' AVith these words, he put it 
 into my hand, and I read (to the best of my 
 remembrance) as follows : 
 
 ' Deer Creeter — As you are the animablo 
 hopjack of my contemplayshins, your aydear 
 is infernally skimming before my kej'merycal 
 fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the 
 heys of slipping mortals ; and when Febus 
 shines from his merrj' dyuig throne ; where- 
 upon I shall canseif old time has lost his 
 pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou 
 enjoy sweet propose in the loaf seek harms of 
 thy very faithfool to commend, 
 
 ' Clayrender. 
 ' Wingar Yeard, Droory Lane, January 12th.' 
 
 While I was reading, he seemed to bo in an 
 ecstacy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out 
 into fits of laughter ; at last he caught hold 
 of my hand, and squeezing it, cried, ' There 
 is a style for you ! What do you think of 
 this billet-doux ?' I answered, ' It might be 
 sublime for aught I knew, for it was alto- 
 gether above my comprehension.' ' Oh, ho !' 
 said he, ' I believe it is — both tender and su- 
 blime ; .she's a di\'ine creature ! and so doats 
 upon me ! Let me see — what shall I do with 
 this money, when I have once got it into my 
 hands ? In the first place, I shall do for you. 
 I'm a man of few words — but say no more — 
 that's determined ; whether would you advise 
 
 me to purchase some post, by which I may 
 rise in the state, or lay out my wife's fortune 
 in land, and retire to the country at once P' 
 I gave my opinion without hesitation, that 
 he could not do better than buy an estate 
 and improve ; especially since he had already 
 seen so much of the world. Then I launched 
 out into the praises of a country life, as de- 
 scribed by the poets whose works I had read. 
 He seemed to relish my advice, but withal 
 told me, that although he had seen a great 
 deal of the world, both at land and sea, having 
 cruised three whole months in the Channel, 
 yet he should not be satisfied luitil ho had 
 visited France, which he proposed to do be- 
 fore he should settle ; and to carry his wife 
 along with him. I had nothing to object to 
 his proposal ; and asked how soon he hoped 
 to be happy. ' As to that,' he replied, ' no- 
 thing obstructs my happiness but the want 
 .of a little ready cash ; for you must know, 
 my friend in the city has gone out of town 
 for a week or two, but I unfortunately missed 
 my pay at Broad Street, by being detained 
 too long by the dear charmer — but there will 
 be a recall at Chatham next week, whither 
 the ship's books are sent, and I have com- 
 missioned a friend in that place to receive 
 the money.' ' it' that be all,' said I, 'there's 
 no great harm in deferring your marriage a 
 few days.' ' Yes, faith ! but there is,' said 
 he ; ' you don't know how many rivals I have, 
 who would take all advantages against me. 
 I would not balk the impatience of her 
 passion for the world — the least appearance 
 of coldness or indifference would ruin all; 
 and such offers don't occur every day.' 
 
 I acquiesced in this observation, and in- 
 quired how he intended to proceed. At this 
 question ho rubbed his chin, and said, ' Why, 
 truly, I must be obliged to some friend or 
 other — do you know nobody that would lend 
 me a small sum for a day or two ?' I assured 
 him, I was such an utter stranger in London, 
 that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea 
 if my life depended upon it. ' No I' said he, 
 ' that's hard — that's bard ! 1 wish I had any- 
 thing to pawn— upon my soul, yovi have got 
 excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt) ; 
 how many shirts of that kind have you got P' 
 I answered, ' Six ruffled, and six plain.' At 
 which he testified great surprise, and declared 
 that no gentleman ought to have more than 
 four. 'How many d'ye think I have got r' 
 continued he ; ' but this and another, as I 
 hope to be saved ! and I dare say we shall be 
 able to raise a good sum out of your super- 
 fluity : let me sec — let me see — each of these 
 shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a mode- 
 rate compiitation — now, suppose we pawn 
 them for half-price — eight times eight is 
 sixty-four, that's three pounds four; that 
 will do — give mo your hand.' ' Softly, softly, 
 Mr. Jackson,' said I ; ' don't dispose of my 
 linen without my consent : fir.st pay me the 
 crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of 
 other matters.' He protested that he had 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 39 
 
 not above one shilling in his pocket, but that 
 he would pay me out of the first of the 
 money raised from the shirts. This piece of 
 assurance incensed me so much that I swore 
 I would not part with him until I had re- 
 ceived satisfaction for what I had lent him ; 
 and as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of 
 them to save him from the gallows. 
 
 At this expression he laughed aloud, and 
 then complained it was very hard that I 
 should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly 
 enable him not only to make his own fortune 
 but mine also. ' You talk of pawning my 
 shirts,' said I ; ' suppose you should sell this 
 hanger, Mr. Jackson ? I believe it would fetch 
 a good round sum.' ' No, hang it ! ' said he, 
 ' I can't appear decently without my hanger, 
 lest it should go.' However, seeing me in- 
 flexible with regard to my linen, he at length 
 unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me tho 
 three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither 
 and pawn it for two guineas. This office I 
 would by no means "have performed, had I 
 seen any likeUhood of having my money 
 otherwise ; but not willing, out of a piece of 
 false delicacy, to neglect tho only opportu- 
 nity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured 
 into a pawnbroker's shop, where I demanded 
 two guineas on the pledge, in the name of 
 Thomas Williams. ' "Two guineas ! ' said the 
 pawnbroker, looking at the hanger ; ' this 
 piece of goods has been here several times 
 before for thirty shillings : however, since I 
 believe the gentleman to whom it belongs 
 will redeem it, he shall have what he wants ; ' 
 and accordingly he paid me the money, which 
 I caiTicd to the house where I had left Jack- 
 son ; and, calling for change, counted out to 
 him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the 
 other five for myself. A fter looking at the 
 money some time, he said, ' Well ! it don't 
 signify — this won't do my business ; so you 
 may as well take half-a-iruinea, or a whole 
 one, as the five shillings you have kept.' I 
 thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of 
 any more than was mj' duo, because I had no 
 prospect of repaying it. Upon which decla^ 
 ration, he stared in my face, and told me, I 
 was excessively raw, or I would not talk in 
 that manner. ' Upon my word,' cried he, ' I 
 have a very bad opinion of a young feUow 
 who won't borrow of his friend when he is in 
 want — 'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. 
 Come, come, Eandom, give me back the five 
 shillings, and take tliis half-guinea; and if 
 ever you are able to pay me, I believe you 
 will : if not, I shall never ask it.' 
 
 When I reflected upon my present necessity, 
 I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after 
 making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, 
 who offered to treat mo with a play, I re- 
 turned to my lodgings with a much better 
 opinion of this gentleman than I had in the 
 morning; and at night imparted my day's 
 adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at mj' good 
 luck, saying, ' I told you if he was a Scotch- 
 man, you was safe enough — and who knows 
 
 but this marriage may make us all. You 
 have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman 
 of ovirs, a journeyman baker, ran away with 
 a great lady of this town, and now keeps his 
 coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morn- 
 ing as I was shaving a gentleman at his own 
 house, there was a young lady in the room, 
 and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a cer- 
 tain person whom I shall not name, that my 
 heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling 
 mill, and my hand sh — sh — shook so much 
 that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentle- 
 man's nose ; whereby he uttered a deadly 
 oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when 
 ehe prevented him, and made my peace. Is 
 not a journeyman barber as good as a jour- 
 neyman baker? The oniy difference is, tho 
 baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber 
 uses it for the head : and as the head is a 
 more noble member than the belly, so is a 
 barber more noble than a baker — for what's 
 the belly without the head ? Besides, I am 
 told, he could neither read nor write ; now 
 you know I can do both, and moreover, spoak 
 Latin — but I -will say no more, for I despise 
 vanity — nothing is more vain than vanity.' " 
 With these words, he pulled out of his pocket 
 a wax-candle's end, which he applied to his 
 forehead ; and upon examination, I found he 
 had combed his own hair over the toupee of 
 his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, 
 become a very smart shaver. I congratulated 
 him on his prospect with a satirical smile, 
 which he understood very well ; and, shaking 
 his head, observed, I had very little faith, but 
 the truth would come to light in spite of my 
 incredulity. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 I go to Surgeons' Hall, when I meet loitli 
 Mr. Jackson — am examined — afie^-ce dispute 
 arises hetuwentivo of the examiners — Jackson 
 disguises himself to attract respect — is de- 
 tected — in hazard of being sent to Bridewell 
 — he treats \is at a Tavern — carries us to a 
 Night-house — A troublesome adventure there 
 — we are committed to tlie Round-house — ■ 
 carried before a Justice — his behaviour. 
 
 WITH the assistance of this faithful ad- 
 herent, who gave me almost all the 
 money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea 
 entire till the day of examination, when I 
 went with a quaking heart to Surgeons' HaU, 
 in order to undergo that ceremony. Among 
 a crowd of young fellows who walked in tho 
 outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to 
 whom I immediately went up ; and, inquiring 
 into the state of his love afi"air, understood 
 it was still undetermined, by reason of his 
 friend's absence, and the delay of the recall 
 at Chatham, which put it out of his power to 
 bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what 
 his business was in this place ; he replied, he 
 was resolved to have two strings to his bow, 
 that in case the one failed, he might use the 
 other ; and, with this view, he was to pass 
 
40 
 
 RODERICK RANDOTJ. 
 
 that night for a hitrhcr qualification. At that 
 instant, a j'ounp fellow came out from the 
 place of examination, with a pale countenance, 
 his lip quivering, ami his looks as wild as if he 
 had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, 
 than we all flocked about hira with the utmost 
 eagerness to know what reception he had met 
 with ; which, after some pause, he described, 
 recounting all the questions they had asked, 
 with the answers he made. In this manner 
 we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, 
 which, now the danger was past, they did 
 with pleasure, before it fell to my lot : at 
 length the beadle called my name, with a 
 voice tliat made me tremble. However, there 
 was no remedy. I was conducted into a largo 
 hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces 
 sitting at a long table : one of whom bade mo 
 come forward, in such an imperio;is tone, 
 that I waa actually for a minute or two 
 bereft of my senses. The first question ho 
 ])ut to me was, ' Where was you bom ? ' To 
 which I answered, ' In Scotland." ' In Scot- 
 land,' said he ; 'I know that very well — wo 
 have scarce any other countrymen to examine 
 here — jou Scotchmen have overspread us of 
 late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in 
 what part of Scotland was you born ? ' I 
 named the place of my nativity, which ho ha4l 
 never heard of ; he then proceeded to inter- 
 rogate me about my age, the town where I 
 served my time, with the term of my ap- 
 prenticesliip : and when I informed him that 
 I served tlirce years only, he fell into a violent 
 po-ssion, swore it was a shame and a scandal 
 to send such raw boys into the world as sur- 
 geons ; that it was great ]tresumption in me, 
 and an affront upon the English, to pretend 
 sufficient skill in my business, having served 
 so short a time, when every apprentice in 
 England was bound seven years at least: 
 that my friends would have done better if 
 they had made me a weaver or shoemaker ; 
 but their pride would have mo a gentleman, 
 he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty 
 could not afford the necessary education. 
 This cxonlium did not at all contribute to 
 the recovery of my spirits ; but on the con- 
 trary, reduced me to such a situation that I 
 was scarcely able to stand ; which being per- 
 ceived by a plump gentleman who sat oppo- 
 site to me with a skull before him, ho said, 
 Mr. Snarler wivs too .severe upon the young 
 man ; and, turning towards mo, told me I 
 need not bo afraid, for nobody would do me 
 any harm : then, bidding me take time to 
 recollect myself, ho examiue<l me, touching 
 the operation of the trepan, and waa very well 
 satisfied with my answers. The next person 
 who (juestioned me was a wag, who began by 
 asking if I had over seen amputation per- 
 formed ; and I replying in the affirmative, ho 
 shook his liead and said, ' What I upon a deivl 
 subject, I suppose ? If,' continued he, 'dur- 
 ing an engagement at sea, a man should bo 
 brought to you with his liead shot off, how 
 wouiJ you behave ? ' After some hesiUition, I 
 
 owned such a case had never como under my 
 observation, neither did I i-cmembor to have 
 seen any method of cure projiosed for such 
 an accident, in any of the systems of surgery 
 I had perused. 
 
 Whether it was owing to the simplicity of 
 my answer, or the archness of the question, 
 I know not, but every member at the board 
 deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who 
 seemed to have very little of the animal 
 risible in his constitution. The fiicetioua 
 member, enconragcd by the success of his last 
 joke, went on thus : ' Suppose you was called 
 to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had 
 been bruised by a fall, what would you do ? ' 
 I answered, ' I would bleed him immediately.' 
 ' What I ' said he, ' before you had tied up 
 his arm F ' But this stroke of wit not 
 answering his expectation, he desired mo to 
 advance to the gentleman who sat next 
 him ; and who, with a pert air, asked what 
 method of euro I would follow in wounds of 
 the intestines. I repeated the method of 
 cure as it is prescribed by the best chirur- 
 gical writers, which ho heard to an end, and 
 then said with a supercilious smile, ' So you 
 think with such treatment the patient might 
 recover r ' I told him I saw nothing to make 
 me think otherwise. ' Tliat may be,' resumed 
 he ; 'I won't answer for your foresight ; but 
 did vouever know a case of this kind succeed?' 
 I acknowledged I did not, and was about to 
 tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine ; 
 but he stopt me, by saying, with some pre- 
 cipitation. ' Nor never will I I affirm that all 
 wounds of the intestines, whether great or 
 small, are mortal.' ' Pardon me, brother,' 
 says the fat gentleman, ' there is very good 
 authorit}- — ' Hero he was interrupted by tho 
 other, with — ' Sir, excuse me, I despise all 
 authority — XulUusin verba — I stand upon my 
 own bottom.' ' But sir, sir,' replied his an- 
 tagonist, ' tho reason of tho thing shows — ' 
 ' A fig for reason, cries this sufficient member ; 
 ' I laugh at reason ; give me ocular demon- 
 stration.' The corpulent gentleman began to 
 wax warm, and observed, that no man ac- 
 quainted with the anatomy of the parts would 
 advance such an extravagant assertion. Tliia 
 inucndo enraged the other so much, that he 
 started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed : 
 I What, Sir I do you question my knowledge 
 in anatomy .' ' 
 
 By this time, all the examiners had espoused , 
 the opinion of one or other of the disputants, I 
 and raised their voices altogether, when tho 
 chairman commanded silence, and ordered mo 
 to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an 
 hour, I was called in again, received my 
 qualification sealed up, and was ordered to 
 pay five shillings. I laid down my half-guinea 
 upon the table, and stood some time, until 
 one of them batie me begone ; to this I re- 
 plied, ' I will when I have got my change : ' 
 upon which another throw mo five shillings 
 and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true 
 Scotchman if I wont away without mychan;;e. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 41 
 
 I was afterwards obliged to give throe shil- 
 linffs uud sixpence to the beadles, and a 
 shillinn to an old woman who swept the hall: 
 this disbursement sank my tinanco.s to thir- 
 teen-pence halfpenny, with which I was 
 sneaking cS', wiien Jackson, perceiving it, 
 came up to me, and begged I would tarry for 
 him, and he would accompany me to the other 
 end of the town, as soon as his examination 
 should be over. I could not refuse this to a 
 person that was so much my friend ; but I 
 was astonished at the change of his dress, 
 which Wius varied in half-an-hour from what 
 I have alro:uly described to a very grotesquo 
 fashion. His head was covered with an old 
 smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked 
 hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would 
 have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or 
 a dustman ; his neck was adorned with a 
 black,crapo, the ends of which he ha<l twisted, 
 and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great- 
 coat that wrajiped up hia whole body ; his 
 white silk stockings wero converted into 
 black worste<l hoso ; and his countenance was 
 rendered vonenililo by wrinkles, and a beard 
 of his own painting. When I expressed my 
 surprise at this mctaraorphosi.s, he hiughed, 
 and t<)Ul me it was done by the advice and 
 assistance of a frioml, who lived over the 
 way, and would certainly produce something 
 very muc^h to his advantage ; for it gave him 
 the appearance of age, which never fails of 
 attracting resjiect. I applauded his sagacity, 
 and waited with impatience for the effects 
 of it. At length he was called in ; but 
 whether the oddness of his appearance excited 
 a curiosity more than usual in the board, or 
 his behaviour was not suitable to his figure. I 
 know not, he was discovered to bo an im- 
 postor, and put into the hands of the bejulle, 
 in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that, 
 instejvl of seeing him come out with a cheer- 
 ful countenance, and a surgeon's qualification 
 in his hand, I perceived hira led through the 
 outwanl hall as a prisoner ; and was very 
 much alarmed, and anxious to know the 
 occasion ; when he called with a lamentable 
 voice, and a piteous aspect to mo, and some 
 others who knew him, ' For God's sake, gen- 
 tlemen, bear witness that I am the same 
 individual John Jackson who served as sur- 
 geon's secon<l mate on board the Elizabeth, 
 or else I shall go to Bridewell !' 
 
 It would have been impossible for the most 
 austere hermit that ever lived to have re- 
 frained from laughing at his appearance and 
 address : wo therefore indulged ourselves a 
 good while at his expen.se, and afterwards 
 
 E leaded hLs cause so effectually with the 
 eadle, who was gratified with half-a-crown, 
 that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few 
 moments renewed his former gaiety — swear- 
 ing, since the board ha-l refused his money, 
 he would spend every shilling before he went 
 to bed, in treating his friends ; at the same 
 time inviting ns all to favour him vntli our 
 
 company. It was now ten o'clock at night, 
 and, as I had a groat way to walk through 
 streets that were utterly unknown to mo, I 
 was prevailed on to bo of their party, in 
 hopes he would afterwards accompany mo to 
 my lodgings, according to his promise. He 
 conducted us to his friend's house, who kept 
 a tavern over the way, whoro wo continued 
 drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up 
 to our heads, and made us all extremely frolic- 
 some. I, in particular, was so much elevated, 
 that nothing would serve me but a wench ; 
 at which demand Jackson expressed much 
 joy, and assured me I should have my desire 
 before we parted. Accordingly, when he had 
 paid the reckonmg, we sallie<l out, roaring 
 and singing ; and were conducted by our 
 leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, 
 where Mr. Jackson's dress attracted the 
 assiduities of two or three nymphs, who 
 loa<.led him with caresses, in return for the 
 arrack punch with which he treated them, 
 till at length sleep began to exert his power 
 over us all, anil our conductor called ' To paj'.' 
 "When the bill was brought, which amounted 
 to twelve sliillings, ho put his hand in his 
 pocket, but might have saved himself the 
 trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident 
 disconcerted him a good deal at first ; but, 
 after somo recollection, ho seized the two 
 ladies who sjit by him, one in each hand, and 
 swore if they did not immediately restore hia 
 money, he would charge a constable with 
 them. The good lady at the bar, secingwhat 
 passed, whispered something to the drawer, 
 who went out , and then, with great com- 
 posure, asked what was the matter ? Jackson 
 toM her ho was robbed, and swore if she re- 
 fuseil him satisfaction, ho would have her 
 an<l herfemalo friends committed to Bridewell. 
 ' Robbed !' cried she, ' robbed in my house ! 
 Gentlemen and ladies, I take j'ou all to wit- 
 ness, this person has scandalised my reputa- 
 tion.' At that instant, seeing the constable 
 and watck enter, she proceeded, ' What ! you 
 must not only endeavour by your false as- 
 persions to ruin my character, but even com- 
 mit an assault upon my family I Mr. Con- 
 stable, I charge you with this uncivil person, 
 who has been guilty of a riot here ; I sliall 
 take care and bring an action against him for 
 defamation.' 
 
 While I was reflecting on this melancholy 
 event, which liad made me quite sober, one of 
 the ladies, b.ing piqued at somo repartee that 
 passed between us, cried, ' They are all con- 
 cerned !' and desired the constable to take us 
 all into custody; an arrest which was per- 
 formed instantly, to tho utter astoni.=hmont 
 and despair of us all, except Jackson, who 
 having been often in such scrapes, was very 
 little concerned, and charged the constable, 
 in his turn, with the landlfidy and her whole 
 bevy ; upon which wo wore carried altogether 
 prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson, 
 after a word of comfort to ug, informed tho 
 
42 
 
 RODERICK RAND03T. 
 
 constable of his being robbed, to which he 
 said he would swear next morning before the 
 justice. In a little time tiie constable, call- 
 ing Jackson into another room, spoke to him 
 thus : ' I perceive that you and your company 
 are strangers, and am very sorry for your 
 being inTolved in such an ugly business. I 
 have known this woman a great while ; she 
 has kept a notorious house in the neighbour- 
 hood this many years ; and although often 
 complained of as a nuisance, still escapes 
 through her interest with the justices, to 
 whom she and all of her employment pay 
 contribution quarterly for protection. As she 
 charged mo with j^ou first, her complaint will 
 have the preference, and she can procure evi- 
 dence to swear whatsoever she shall please to 
 desire of them ; so that, imlcss you can make 
 it up before morning, you and your compa- 
 nions may think yourselves happily quit for 
 a month's hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if 
 she should swear a robbery or an assault 
 against you, you will be cofnmitted to New- 
 gate, and tried at the next session at the Old 
 Bailey for your life.' This last piece of infor- 
 mation had such an effect upon Jackson, that 
 he agreed to make it up, provided his money 
 might be restored. The constable told him, 
 that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, 
 ho was pretty certain it would cost him some 
 more before they could come to any compo- 
 sition. But, however, he had compassion on 
 him, and would, if he pleased, sound them 
 about a mutual release. I'ho unfortunate beau 
 thanked him for his friendship, and returning 
 to us, acquainted us with the substance of 
 this dialogue ; while the constable, desiring 
 to speak in private with our lulvorsary, car- 
 ried her into the next room, and pleaded our 
 cause so etfcctually, that she condescended to 
 make him umpire : he accordingly proposed 
 an arbitration, to which we gsive our assent ; 
 and ho fined each party in three shiUinps, to 
 bo laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein wo 
 drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible 
 jov of my two late acquaintances and mo, 
 who had been extremely uneasy over since 
 Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. 
 By the time wo hiui finished our bowl — to 
 which, by the bye, I ha<J contributed my laat 
 shilling — it was morning, and 1 proposed to 
 move homeward, when the constable gave mo 
 to understand, ho could discharge no pri- 
 soners but by order of the justice, before 
 whom wo must appear. This renewed my 
 chagrin, and I cursed the hour in whioh I 
 hatl yioldotl to Jackson's inviUition. 
 
 About nine o'clock, wo wi ri escort<>d to the 
 liouso of a certain justice not miuiy miles dis- 
 tant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw 
 the constable enter with a train of prisoners 
 at his heels, than he sainted him iw follows : 
 ' So, Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. 
 What den of rogues have yon been scouring ? ' 
 Then looking at us, who appcaretl very much 
 d^ectcd, ho continued: 'Ay. ay. thieves. I 
 
 see — old oflFenders ; oh, your humble servant, 
 Mrs. Harridan ! I suppose these fellows have 
 been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, 
 here's an old acquaintance of mine. You 
 have used expedition,' said he to me, ' in re- 
 turning from transportation ; but we shall 
 save you that trouble for the future — the sur- 
 geons will fetch you from your next trans- 
 portation, at their expense.' I assured his 
 worship he was mistaken in me, for ho had 
 never seen me in his life before. To this de- 
 claration he replied, • How I you impudent 
 rascal, dare you say so to my face ? Do you 
 think I am to be imposed upon by that 
 northern accent which you have assumed ? 
 But it shan't avail you — you shall find me too 
 far north for you. Here, clerk, write this 
 fellow's mittimus. His name is Patrick Gag- 
 hagan.' Here Mr. Jackson interjwsed, and 
 told him I was a Scotchman lately come to 
 town, descendc"! of a good family, ami that 
 my name was Random. The justice looked 
 upon thia assertion as an outrage upon his 
 memory, on which he valued himself exceed- 
 ingly ; and strutting up to Jackson, with a 
 fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, 
 and said, ' Who are you, sir? Do you give 
 me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here's 
 a ft How who affronts me upon the bench ; 
 but I'll lay you fast, sirrah, I will — for not- 
 withstanding your laced jacket, I believe yoa 
 are a notorious felon.' My friend was so 
 much abashed at this menace, which was 
 thundered out with prrcat vociferation, that 
 he changed colour, and remained speechless. 
 This confusion his worship took for a symp- 
 tom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, 
 continued his threats. ' Now, I am con- 
 vinced you are a thief — your face discovers it, 
 you tremble all over, your conscience won't 
 lie still — you'll be hanged, sirrah,' raising his 
 voice, 'you'll be hanged; and happy had it 
 been for the world, n.s well as for your own 
 miserable soul, if you had been detected, and 
 cut off in the beginning of your career. Come 
 hither, clerk, and tjiko this man's confession.' 
 I was in an a^fony of consternation, when the 
 constable, going into another room with his 
 worship, acfinainto«l him with the truth of 
 the story ; whioh having le4i.mod,he returned 
 with a smiling countenance, and, addressing 
 himself to us all, said, it was always his way 
 to terrify young people when they came bo- 
 fore him, that his threats might make a strong 
 impression on their minds, and deter them 
 from engaging in scenes of riot and debauch- 
 ery, which commonly ended before the judge. 
 Thus, having cloaked his own want of dis- 
 cernment under the disguise of patem.al 
 care, wo were dismissed, .and I found mvself 
 iva much lightened as if a mountain had been 
 lifted off my breast. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 CHAPTER XVin. 
 
 I rarr\i tni/ qunlificaiion to the Navy Office — 
 tlu- nature uf it — tJie beliafiour of tlie Secre- 
 tary — Sli^ip's concern for my absence — 
 a batt'- ''( him and a blacksmith — 
 
 the ti-' .■ consequences of if — his 
 
 hv lilt — his fi-iend the SI '■ '• /• 
 
 re" < ine to a French o,' rj, 
 
 who entertains me as a journeyman. 
 
 I'WOiVTJ) most willingly have pone home to 
 >i< 1-1 , but was told by my comi>anions, 
 tliat wo must deliver our letters of qualifica- 
 tion at tlio Navy Utfice, before one o'cloi-lc. 
 Acoordiii<,'lj-, we wont thither, and g»ve them 
 to the seiTctary, who opened and read them, 
 and I was mightily pleased to find myself 
 qualified for second mate of a third-rate. 
 Wlien he had stuck them all together on a 
 tile, one of our company asked if there were 
 any vacancies , to which interrogation he an- 
 swered ' No ! ' Then 1 ventured to incjuire if 
 any ship^ wer»» to be put in commission soon. 
 At \s ' ■. he surveyed me with a look 
 
 ofini- ii'pt; and, pushing us out of 
 
 his Dttici^, locked the door without deigning 
 us another word. We went down stairs, and 
 conferred together on our exjicctations, when 
 I understood that each of them had been re- 
 commended to one or other of the commis- 
 sioners, and each of thom i>romise<l the first 
 va«inoy that. «hr>uld full : but that none of 
 tl t interest, without 
 
 a , . with whom some 
 
 of liio c ricrs went snacks. For 
 
 whifh roa h of them had provided a 
 
 small purse ; and I was a.sked what I pro- 
 posed to give ? Tliis was a vexatious ques- 
 tion to mo who (far from being in a capacity 
 to gratify a ravenous secretary) htu\ not 
 wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I there- 
 fore answered, I had not yet d'' 1 what 
 to givo ; nii'l sticakol ofT towar' i lodg- 
 ii; - my fate all thc^ •• iid in- 
 v. 1 rnnt^h bittorno-- a-ui:>t tho 
 barliarity of i 'father, and tho sordid 
 avarire of my : . . ;.>, who left me a jircy to 
 contemiit and indigence. 
 
 Full of those disagreeable reflections, I 
 arrived at the house where I lodged, and re- 
 lieved my landlord from great anxiety on my 
 account ; for this honest man believed I h.od 
 met \vith '• ■ idont, and that he 
 
 never sh" Straji. who had 
 
 cbmeto vioit iiic in tlie morning, u- ■ 1- 
 
 ing I ha<l been abroail all night, v. -t 
 
 distracted, and after having obtaineti leave of 
 his master, had gone in quest of me, though 
 ho was even more ignorant of the town than 
 I. Not being willing to inform the landlord 
 of my adventure, I told him, I hatl met an 
 acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall, with whom I 
 spent the evening and night ; bat being very 
 much infested with bugs. I had not slept 
 mucli, and therefore intended to take a little 
 repose ; so saying, I went to bed. and desired 
 to be awakened if Straxi should happen to 
 
 come while I should be asleep. I was accord- 
 ingly roused by my friend himself, who on- 
 teri'tl my chamber about three o'clock in tho 
 afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes 
 that I could scarce believe real. In short, thia 
 oli'ectionato sliaver, setting out towards Sur- 
 geons' Hall, had inquired for me there to no 
 purpose : from whence ho found his way to 
 the Navy OtBce, where he could hoar no tid- 
 ings of me, because I was unknown to every- 
 body then present ; he afterwards went upon 
 "Change, in hopes of seeing me upon tho 
 Scotch walk, but without success. At last, 
 being almost in despair of finding me, ho rc- 
 solve*.! to ask everybody he mot in tho street, 
 if perchance anyone could give him informa- 
 tion about me ! and actually put his resolu- 
 tion in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, 
 and reproaches with which ho was answered ; 
 until a blacksmith's prentice seeing him stop 
 a porter with a burden on his back, and hear- 
 ing his question, for which he re-Joived a 
 hearty curse, called to him, and asked if tho 
 person he inquired after was not a Scotch- 
 man i' Strap replied with great eagerness, 
 ' Y'es, and had on a brown coat, with long 
 skirts.' ' The same,' said the blacksmith ! ' I 
 saw him pass by an hour ago.' ' Did you so '(' 
 cried Strap, rubbing his hands, 'Odd! I am 
 very glad of that^which way went ho ? ' 
 ' Towards Tyburn in a cart,' said ho ; 'if you 
 make good speed, you may got thither time 
 enough to see him hanged.' This piece of 
 wit infonsod my friend to such a degree, that 
 ' i the blacksmith scoundrel, and i)ro- 
 
 I .' would fight him for half-a-farthing. 
 
 'No, no!' said tho other, stripping; 'I'll 
 have none of your monev — you Scotchmen 
 seldom carry anything about you ; but I'll 
 fight you for love.' There was a ring immo- 
 diat<'ly formed by the mob : and Strap, finding 
 ho could not get off honourably without fight- 
 ing, at the same time burning with resentment 
 lis adversary, quitted his clothes to 
 ; of the multitude, and the battle be- 
 
 g!in with great violence on the side of Strap, 
 who in a few minutes exhausted his breath 
 and spirits on his patient antagonist, who 
 su.stained the assault with great coolness, till 
 finding the barber quite spent, ho returned 
 the blows he had lent him, with such interest, 
 that Strap, after having received three falls 
 on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed tho 
 blacksmith to be the better man. 
 
 Tho victory Itoing thus decided, it was pro- 
 pose<l to adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink 
 friends. But when my friend began to gather 
 up his clothes, he perceived that some honest 
 person or other had made free with his shirt, 
 neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried 
 off; and probably his coat and waistcoat 
 would have met with tho same fate, had they 
 been worth stealing. It was in vain for him 
 to make a noi.se, which only yielded mirth to 
 the spectators ; ho was lain to get off in thia 
 manner, which ho accomplished with much 
 difficulty and appeared before ine all be- 
 
4-1 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 smeared with blood and dirt. Notwith- 
 stamling this misfortune, such was his trans- 
 port at finding me safe and sound, that he 
 had almost stifled and stunk me to death with 
 his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, 
 and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen 
 nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars 
 of my night's campaign, which filled him with 
 admiration, and made him repeat with great 
 energy an observation which was often in his 
 mouth, namely, ' that surely London is the 
 devil's drawing-room.' As neither of us had 
 dined, he desired me to get up, and the milk- 
 woman coming round at that instant, he went 
 downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a 
 penny loaf, on which we made a comfortable 
 meal. He then shared his money with me, 
 which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left 
 me with an intention to borrow an old wig 
 and hat of his friend the schoolmaster. 
 
 He was no sooner gone, than I began to 
 consider my situation with great uneasiness, 
 and revolved all the schemes my imagination 
 coulil suggest, in order to choose and pursue 
 some one that would procure me bread ; for 
 it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, 
 when I reflected on the miserable dependence 
 in which I lived at the expense of a poor 
 barber's boy, My pride took the alarm, and 
 having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy 
 Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in 
 the foot-guards next day, be the event what 
 it would. This extravagant design, by flat- 
 tering my disposition, gave groat .satisfaction ; 
 and 1 was charging the enemy at the head of 
 my own regiment, when Strap's return inter- 
 rupted my reverie. The schoolmxstor had 
 made him "a present of tlio tie-wig which he 
 wore, when I was introduced to him, together 
 with an old liat, whose brims would have 
 overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had 
 ventured to wear them in the dusk, ho did not 
 choose to entertain the mob by day ; therefore 
 went to work immediately, and reduced them 
 botli to a moderate size. While he was om- 
 ploycil in this office, he addressed me thus : 
 ' To bo sure, Mr. Random, you are born a 
 gentleman, and have a great deal of learning 
 — and, indeed, look like a gentleman ; for, i-s 
 to poison, you may hold up your head with 
 the best of them. On the other hand, I am a 
 poor but honest cobbler's son : my mother 
 •was as industrious a woman as ever broke 
 broad, till such time as she took to drinkuig, 
 which you very well know ; but everybody 
 has failings — humanum fst o-rarc. Now, for 
 myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tole- 
 rably well made, and understand some Latin, 
 and have a smattering of Greek ; but what of 
 that y Perhaps I mijrht also say, that I know 
 a littlo of the world ; but that is to no pur- 
 pose, — though you be gentle, and I simple, it 
 does not follow, but that I who am simple may 
 do a good office to j-ou who are gentle. Now 
 this is the case : my kinsman, the school- 
 master — perhaps you did not know how nearly 
 he is related to me— I'll satisfy you in that 
 
 presently ; his mother and my grandmother's 
 sister's nephew — no, that's not it ! — my grand- 
 father's brother's daughter — rabbit it ! I have 
 forgot the degree ; but this I know, he and I 
 are cousins seven times removed.' My impa- 
 tience to know the good office he had done 
 me, got the better of my temper, and I inter- 
 rupted him at this place with the exclamation, 
 ' If the schoolmaster or you can be of any 
 advantage to me, why don't you tell me with- 
 out all this preamble ? ' When I pronounced 
 these words with some vehemence. Strap 
 looked at me for some time with a grave 
 countenance, and then went on : ' I am very 
 sorr3' to see such an alteration in your temper 
 of late ; you were always fiery, but now you 
 are grown as crabbed ;is old Periwinkle the 
 drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God 
 forgive us '.) playeil so many unlucky tricks 
 while we were at school — but 1 will no louger 
 detain you in suspense, because (do .b.less) no- 
 thing IS more uneasy tlian duubt — di-Oio piocuL 
 dubio ml dubiHS. My Inend or relation, or 
 which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, 
 being informed of the regard I liave for you ; 
 for you may be sure I did not fail to let him 
 know of your good qualities — by the bye, ho 
 has luidertakeu to teach you the pronuncia- 
 tion of the English tongue, without which, ho 
 says, you will bo unlit for business in this 
 country — I say my relation has spoke in your 
 behalf to a French aiiothecary who wants a 
 journej-man; and on his recommendation you 
 may have fifteen puuuda a-year, bed and 
 board, whenever you please.' I was too much 
 interested in this piece of news to entertain it 
 with indifference ; but, jumping up, insisted 
 on Strap's immediately accompanying me to 
 the house of his friend, that I might not loso 
 this opportunity through the least delay or 
 neglect on ni}- jiart. 
 
 We were informed, that the schoolmaster 
 was in company at a public-house in the 
 neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and 
 found him drmking with the very individual 
 apothecary in question. When he was called 
 to the door at our desire, and observed my 
 impatience, he broke out into his usual term 
 of ai^lmiration : — ' Oh '. I suppose, when you 
 hoard of this offer, you did not take leisure 
 enough to come downstairs, but leaped out 
 of the window: did you overturn no porter 
 nor oyster-woman iu your way ? It was a 
 mercy of God you did not knock your brains 
 out against some post in your career. Oh, my 
 conscience ! I believe, had I been in the inmost 
 recessesof my habitation— the very ^fcnefraHa 
 — your eagerness would have surmounted 
 bolts, bars, decency, and everything. Tho 
 den of Cacus, or sanctum saiirtorum, could 
 not have hid me from you. But come along 
 — the gentleman of whom I spoke is in tho 
 house ; I will present you to him forthwith.' 
 When I entered the room, I perceived four or 
 five people smoking, one of whom the school- 
 master accosted thus : ' Mr. Lavement, here's 
 the young man of whom I spoke to you.' 
 
RODERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 The apothecary, who was a little old withered 
 man, with a forehead about an inch high, a 
 nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones 
 that helped to form a pit for his little pray 
 eyes, a great bag' of loose skin hanging down 
 on each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of 
 a baboon, and a mouth so much accustomed 
 to that contraction which produces grinning, 
 that he could not pronounce a syllable with- 
 out discovering the remains of his teeth, 
 which consisted of four yellow fangs, not im- 
 properly, by anatomists, called canine. This 
 person, I say, after having eyed me some 
 time, said, ' Oho, 'tis ver well. Monsieur 
 Concordance ; young man, you arc vcr wel- 
 come, take one coup of biorro — and come to 
 mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur 
 Concordance vil show you de way.' Upon 
 tins I made my bow, and as I went out of 
 the room could hear him scy, ' Ma Joi ! ccst 
 ttn beau garron ; c'est un g-nllard.' 
 
 As I had by mv own ajiplication, while I 
 served Crab, a*^qiiired the French tongue well 
 enough to read authors written in that 
 language, and uiulerstand anything that 
 occurred in conversiition, I determined to 
 pretend ignorance to my now master, that ho 
 and his family, whom I supposed to bo of the 
 same country, not being on the reserve 
 before me, 1 might possibly discover some- 
 thing in discourse, which would either yield 
 me amusement or advantage. Next morning 
 Mr. Concoribince carried mo to the apothe- 
 cary's house, whcro the bargain was made, 
 and orders given to provide an apartment for 
 mo immediately. But before I entered upon 
 business, the schoolmaster recommended mo 
 to his tailor, who gave mo credit for a suit of 
 clothes, to be mid out of the first moioty of 
 my wages, and they were begun upon that 
 very day ; he afterwards accommodated mo 
 with a new hat on the same terms : so that 
 in a few days I hoped to make a very fashion- 
 able ai>peaninco. In the meantime. Strap 
 conveyed my baggage to the place allotted 
 Jjdr me, which was a back room up two pair 
 Vb{ stairs, furnished with a jiallet for mo to 
 lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by 
 way of candlestick, and a triangular pieeo 
 of gliuss instead of a mirror ; the rest of its 
 ornaments having been lately removed to cno 
 of the garrets, for the convenience of the 
 serN'ant of an Irish captain, who lodged in tho 
 first lloor. 
 
 CHAPTEU XEX. 
 
 TJie charaders of Mr. Lavement, his wife and 
 daughter — some anecdotes of the family — 
 the mother and daughter 7'ivah — / am 
 guilty of a mistake that gives me present 
 satisfaction, biA is attended with trouble- 
 some consequences. 
 
 NEXT day, while I was at work in the shop, 
 a bouncing damsel well dressed came in, 
 on pretence of finding a vial for some use or 
 other ; and taking an opportunity, when she 
 
 thought I did not mind her, of obson-ing me 
 narrowly, went away 'vs'ith a silent look of 
 disdain. I easilj' guessed her sentiments, and 
 my pride took the resolution of entertaining 
 the same in<liffereneo and neglect towards 
 her. At dinner tlio maids, with whom I 
 dined in the kitchen, gave mo to understand 
 that this was my master's only daughter, who 
 would have a very handsome fortune, on ac- 
 count of which, and her beautj', a great many 
 young gentleman made their addresses to her 
 — that she had been twice on tho brink of 
 marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess 
 of her father, who refused to part with a 
 shilling to promote tho match ; for which 
 reason tho young lady did not behuve to her 
 father with all tho filial veneration tha'j 
 might be expected. In particular she har- 
 boured tho most perfect hatred for his 
 countrymen ; in which disposition she re- 
 sembled her mother, who was an Englijh- 
 woman ; and by the hints they dropped, I 
 learned tho gray mare was tho bettor horso^ 
 that she was a matron of a high spirit, which 
 was often manifested at tho expense of her 
 dependents ; that she loved diversions, and 
 looked upon miss as her rival iu all parties — 
 which was indeed the true cause of her dis- 
 appointments ; for had tho mother been 
 hearty in her interest, tho father would not 
 have ventured to refuse her demands. Over 
 and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon 
 made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement's 
 significant grins at his wife, while she looked 
 another way, convinced me that ho was not 
 at all content with his lot ; and his behaviour 
 in presence of tho captain made mo believe 
 his chief torment was jealousy. As for my 
 own part, I was considered in no other light 
 than that of a menial servant, and had been 
 alreafly six days in tho house without being 
 honoured with one word from either mother 
 or daughter; tho latter (as I imderstood from 
 the maids) having at table one day expressed 
 some surprise that her papa should entertain 
 such an awkward mean-looking journeynnm. 
 I was nettled at this piece of information, 
 and next Sunday (it being my turn to take 
 my diversion), dressed myself in my now 
 clothes to tho greatest advantage, and, vanity 
 apart, made no contemptible figure. 
 
 After having spent most part of tho day in 
 company with Strap and some of his acquai^v- 
 tance, I came home in the afternoon, and was 
 let in by miss, who not knowmg me, dropped 
 alow courtsey as I advanced, which I returned 
 with a profound bow, and shut tho door. Hy 
 the time I had turned about, she had per- 
 ceived her mistake, and changed colour, but 
 did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, 
 I could not get away without jolting her ; so 
 I was forced to remain where I was with my 
 eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing 
 with blushes. At length, her vanity coming 
 to her a.ssistanco, she went away tittering, 
 and I could hoar her pronounce the word 
 ' creature I ' From this day forward, she came 
 
46 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 into the shop fifty times every day npon vari- 
 ous pretences, and put in practice so many 
 ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive 
 her opinion of mo was chanifcd, and that she 
 did not think me altogether an unworthy 
 conquest. But my heart was so steeled 
 against her charms by pride and resentment, 
 Avhich were two chief ingredients in my dis- 
 position, that I remained insensible to all her 
 arts ; and notwithstanding some advances she 
 made, could not be prevailed upon to yield 
 her the least attention. This neglect soon 
 banished all the favourable impressions she 
 felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman 
 took place in her heart ; this she manifested 
 not only in all the suggestions her malice 
 could invent to my prejudice with her father, 
 but also in procuring for me such servile 
 employments as she hoped would sufficiently 
 humble my spirit. One day in particular, she 
 ordered me to brush my master's coat ; but I 
 refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which 
 ended in her bursting into tears of rage ; 
 when her mother interposing, and examining 
 into the merits of the cause, determined it in 
 my favour : and this good office I owed not 
 to any esteem or consideration she had for 
 me, but solely to the desire of mortifying 
 her daughter, who on this occasion observed, 
 that let people be never so much in the right, 
 there were some folks who would never do 
 them justice, but, to be sure, they had their 
 reasons for it, which some people were not 
 ignorant of, although they despised their 
 litth' arts. This in.«inuation of some people 
 and some folks put me upon observing the 
 behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for 
 the future : and it was not long before I had 
 reason to believe that she looked upon her 
 daughter a.s a rival in the affections of Captain 
 O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. 
 
 In the meantime, my industiy and know- 
 ledge gained mo the goodwill of my master, 
 who would often say in French, ' Manhj ! 
 cesf un bon garc^on.' He had a great deal of 
 business ; but as ho was mostly employed 
 among his fellow refugees, his profits were 
 small. However, his expense for medicines 
 was not great ; for he was the most expert 
 man at a succedaneum of any apothecary 
 in London, so that I have been sometimes 
 amazed to see him, without the least hesi- 
 tation, make up a physician's prescription, 
 though he had not in his shop one medicine 
 mentioned in it. Oyster-shells ho could con- 
 vert into crab's eyes ; common oil into oil of 
 sweet almonds ; syrup of sugar into balsamic 
 syrup; Thames water into n<y!trt cinaamoni ; 
 and a hundred more costly preparations were 
 produced in an instant, from the cheapest and 
 coarsest drugs of the materia viedicn : and 
 when any common thing was ordered for a 
 patient, he always took care to disguise it in 
 colour or taste, or both, in such a manner as 
 that it could not possibly be known ; for 
 which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves 
 wore of ffreat service. Mr. Lavement had 
 
 attempted more than once to introduce a 
 vegetable diet into his family, by launching 
 out into the praise of roots and greens, 
 and decrying the use of flesh, both as a 
 physician and philosopher ; but all his rhe- 
 toric could not make one proselyte to his 
 opinion, and even the wife of his bosom 
 declared against the proposal. 
 
 One afternoon, when her husband was 
 abroad, and her daughter gone to visit, this 
 lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in 
 which she and the captain drove towards 
 Covent Garden. Miss came home in the 
 evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went 
 to bed. About eleven o'clock my master en- 
 tered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: 
 upon which I told him, my mistress went out 
 in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. 
 This was like a clap of thunder to the poor 
 apothecary, who starting back, cried, ' Mort 
 de ma I'ie ! vat you tell a me r My vife not at 
 home ! ' At that instant a patient's servant 
 arrived with a prescription for a draught, 
 which my master taking, went into the shop 
 to make it up with his own hand. While he 
 rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he 
 inquired of me whether or no his wife went 
 out alone ; and no sooner heard tiiat she was 
 in company with the captain, than with ono 
 blow he split the mortar into a thousand 
 pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass 
 viol, exclaimed, ' Ah, traitre.sso ! ' It would 
 have been impossible for me to have pre- 
 served my gravity a minute longer, when I 
 was happily relieved by n rap at the door, 
 which 1 opened, and perceived my mistress 
 coming out of the coach. She flounced im- 
 mediately into the shop, and addrosse<l her 
 husband thus : ' I suppose you thought I was 
 lost, my dear. Captain ODonnell has boon 
 so good as to treat mo with a play.' The re- 
 ply, it may be siipposed, was anj-thing but 
 courteous; but the captain, who had been all 
 the time at the door discharging the coach, 
 entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, 
 saluted him with all the usual politesse of a 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Shortly after this event, by the knowledge 
 which I acquired of the family secrets, my 
 life became much more agreeable ; and as I 
 cverj' day improved in my knowle<lge of the 
 town, I sho'ik off my awkward air by degrees, 
 and acquired the character of o polite jour- 
 neyman apothecary. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 lam assaulted and dangerously icounrlcd — 
 suspect O'Donnell, and am cojxjirmrd in my 
 opinion — concert a scheme of revenge, and 
 put it in execution — O'Donnell rnhs hia oum 
 seii'ant, and disappears — make my ad- 
 dresses 1o a lady, nnd am viiraculousl/y 
 delivered from her snare. 
 
 ONE night, about twelve o'clock, ns I re- 
 turned from visiting a pal icnt at Chelsea, 
 I received a blow oa my head from au unseen 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 47 
 
 hand, that stretched me senseless on the 
 ground ; and wjia left for desid with three 
 stabs of a sword in my h>dy. The ^oans I 
 utterol when I recovered the nso of my 
 reason ahirmod the people of a solitary ale- 
 house that stood near the spot where I lay : 
 and they were humane enough to take me in, 
 and send for a surgeon, who dressed my 
 wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. 
 One of them penetrated through the skin and 
 muscles of one side of my belly in such a 
 manner, that doubtless the asstissin imagined 
 he had run me through the entrails. Tne 
 second slanted along one of my ribs ; and the 
 last, which was intended for the finishing 
 stroke, having been directed to my heart, t:ie 
 sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and the 
 point remained sticking in the skin. When 
 I reflected upon this event, I could not per- 
 suade myself that I had been assaulted by a 
 common footpad, because it is not usual for 
 such people to murder those they rob, es- 
 pecially when they meet with no resistance ; 
 and I found my money, and everj'thing else 
 about me but my carcase, safe. I concluded, 
 therefore, that I must either have been mis- 
 taken for another, or obliged to the private 
 resentment of some secret enemy for what 
 had happened ; and as I could remember no- 
 body who had the least cause of complaint 
 against me, except Captain O'DonneU and 
 my master's daughter, my suspicion settled 
 upon them, though I took care to conceal 
 it, that I might the sooner arrive at con- 
 firmation. 
 
 With this view, I went home in the chair 
 about ten o'clock in the morning ; and as the 
 chairman supported me into the house, met 
 the captain in the passage, who no sooner saw 
 mo than he started back and gave evident 
 signs of guilty confusion, which he would 
 have accounted for from surprise occasioned 
 by the seeing mo in such a condition. My 
 master having heard ray story, condoled me 
 with a good deal of sympathy, and when he 
 understood my wounds were not dangerous, 
 ordered mo to be carried upstairs to bed ; 
 though not without somo opposition from his 
 wife, who was of opinion that it would bo 
 bettor for mo to go to an hospital, where I 
 should be more carefully attended. My me<ii- 
 tation wjis employed in concerting with my- 
 self some method of revenge against Squiro 
 O'DonneU and his inamorata, whom I looked 
 upon lus the author of my misfortune ; when 
 miss, who was not at home at my arrival, 
 entered my chamber, and saying she was sorry 
 for the accident that had befallen me, asked 
 if I suspected anybody to be the assassin ; 
 upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly upon 
 her, and answered, ' Yes.' She discovered no 
 symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, ' If 
 that be the case, why don't you take out a 
 warrant to have him apprehended ? It will 
 cost but a trifle — if you have no money, I'll 
 lend you.' This frankness not only cured mo 
 of my suspicion with respect to her, but oven 
 
 staggered my belief with regard to f ho captain, 
 of who^;e guilt 1 resolved to have further proof 
 before 1 should eiiterpri.<e anything in the 
 way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for 
 her generous ott'er, which, however. 1 h:id no 
 occasion to accept, being determined to do 
 nothing rashly : for though I could plainly 
 perceive the person who attacked me to be a 
 soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to 
 me, I could not swear with a safe conscience 
 to any particular man ; and, gnuiting I could, 
 my prosecution of him would not much avail. 
 
 This uncertainty I pretended, lest the cap- 
 tain, hearing from her that I knew the person 
 who wounded me, might think proper to with- 
 draw before I coidd be in a condition to re- 
 quite him. In two days I was up and able to 
 do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement 
 made shift to carry on his practice without 
 hiring another journeyman in my room. 
 
 The first thing I attempted towards a cer- 
 tain discovery of my secret enemy, was to get 
 into O'Donnell's apartment, while he was 
 abroad in an undress, and examine his sword, 
 the point of which being broken off, I applied 
 the fragment that was found sticking in my 
 body, and fountl it answered the fractured 
 part exactly. There was no room left for 
 doubt ; and all that remained was to fix upon 
 a scheme of revenge, which almost solely en- 
 grossed my thoughts during the space of 
 eight nights and days. Sometimes I was 
 tempted to fall upon him in the same manner 
 as he had practised upon me, and kill him 
 outright. But this assault my honour opposed 
 as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which 
 he was not to be imitated. At other times I 
 entertained thoughts of demanding satisfac- 
 tion in an honourable way ; but was diverted 
 from this undertaking by considering the un- 
 certainty of the event, and the nature of tho 
 injury he had done me, which did not entitle 
 him to such easy terms. At last I deter- 
 minetl to pursue a middle course, and actually 
 put my design in execution after this manner. 
 Ha^nng secured the assistance of Strap and 
 two of his acquaintance whom he could de- 
 pond upon, wo provided ourselves with dis- 
 guises, and I caused the following letter to 
 be delivered to him by one of our associates 
 in livery, one Sunday evening : — 
 
 'Sir — If I may be allowed to judge from 
 appearance, it will not be disagreeable for 
 you to hear that my husband is gone to 
 Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not 
 return till to-morrow night ; so that, if you 
 have anything to propose to me (as your 
 behaviour on many occasions has seemed to 
 insinuate), you will do well to embrace tho 
 present opportunity of seeing. Yours, &c.' 
 
 This letter was signed with tho name of an 
 apothecary's wife who lived in Chelsea, of 
 whom I had heard O'DonneU was an ad- 
 mirer. Everything succeeded to oit wish. 
 The hero hastened towards the place of 
 a]ipointmcnt, and Avas encountered by us in 
 the very place where he bad assaulted m9. 
 
48 
 
 RODERICK random: 
 
 We rushed upon him all nt once, secured his 
 sword, stripped off his clothes even to the 
 skin, ■which was scourged with nettles till he 
 was blistered from head to foot, notwith- 
 standing all the eloquence of his tears and 
 supplications. When I was satisfied with 
 the .-itripes I had bestowed, we carried off his 
 clothes, which we hid in a hedge near the 
 place, and left him stark naked to find his 
 way home in the best manner ho could, while . 
 I took care to be there before him. I after- 
 wards understood that, in his way to the 
 lodgings of a friend, who lived in the skirts of 
 the toA\Ti. he was picked up by the watch, 
 who carried him to the round-house, from 
 whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and 
 next morning arrived at the door in a chair, 
 wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed ; for 
 his body was so sore and swelled, that ho 
 could not boar to be confined in his wearing 
 apparel. He wa.s treated with the utmost 
 tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, 
 who vied with each other in their care and 
 attendance of him ; but Lavement himself 
 could not forbear expressing his joy, by 
 several malicious grins, while he ordered meto 
 prepare animgucnt forhiasores. Asto myself, 
 nobody can doubt my gratification, when I 
 had every day an opportunity of seeing my 
 revenge protracted on the body of my ad- 
 versary, by the ulcers of which I had been 
 the cause ; and, indeed, I not only cnjoved 
 tlio satisfaction of having flea'd him alive, 
 but another also which I had not foreseen. 
 The story of his being attacked and stripped 
 in such a place having been inserted in the 
 news, gave information to those who found 
 his clothes next day, whither to bring them ; 
 and accordingly he retrieved everj-thing he 
 had lost except a few letters, among which 
 was that which I had writ to him in the name 
 of the apothecary's wife. 'ITiis, and the 
 others, whioh were all on the subject of love 
 (for this Hibernian hero was one of those 
 people who are called fortune-hunters), fell 
 int<i the liands of a certain female author, 
 famous for the scandal she has published ; 
 who, after having embellished them with some 
 ornaments of her own invention, gave them 
 to the to.\n in print. I was very much 
 shocked on reflection, that I might possibly 
 be the occasion of a whole family's unhap- 
 piness on account of the letter I had written ; 
 but was eased of that apprehension, when I 
 understood that the Chelsea apothecary had 
 commenced a lawsuit against the printer for 
 defamation, and looked upon the wholo as a 
 piece of forgery committed by the author, 
 who had disappeared. But whatever might 
 be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies 
 seemed to entertain a different idea oi it : for 
 as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could 
 perceive their care of their patient con- 
 siderably diminish, till at last it ended in a 
 total neglect. It was impossible for him to 
 be ignorant of this change, any more than of 
 the occasion of it ; but as ho was conscious 
 
 to himself of having deserved worse than con- 
 tempt at their hands, he was glad to come off 
 so cheaply, and contented himself with mut- 
 tering curses and threats against the apothe- 
 cary, who, as he imagined, having got an 
 inkling of the appointment with his wife, had 
 taken revenge of him in the manner de- 
 scribed. By the time he had got anew scarf skin, 
 his character was become so notorious, that ho 
 thought it high time for him todecami) ; and 
 his retreat lie performed in one night, without 
 beat of drum, after having robbed his own 
 servant of everything that belonged to him 
 except the clothes he had on his back. 
 
 A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lave- 
 ment, for his own security, took into his 
 custody a large old trunk which he had left ; 
 and as it was very heavy, made no question 
 that the contents were sufficient to indemnify 
 him for what O'Donnell owed in loilging. But 
 a month being elapsed without hearing any 
 tidings of this adventurer, and my m.-vstei* 
 being impatient to know what the trunk con- 
 tained, he ordered mo to break it open in his 
 presence, which task I performed with the 
 
 Eestlo of our great mortar, and discovered, to 
 is inexpressible astonishment and mortifi- 
 cation, a heap of stones. 
 
 About this time, my friend Strap informed 
 me of an offer ho had to go abroad with a 
 gentleman in quality of valet ile chamhre, 
 and at the same time assured me, that, what- 
 ever advantage he might propose to himself 
 from this prospect, ho could not bear the 
 thoughts of parting from mo, so much was ho 
 attached to my fortune. In spite of all tho 
 obligations I owed to this poor, honest fellow, 
 ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, 
 that I began to be tired of his acquaintance : 
 and now that I had contracted other friend- 
 ships which appeared more creditable, was 
 even ashamed to see a journeyman barber in- 
 quiring after me with the familiarity of a 
 companion. I therefore, on pretence of con- 
 sulting his welfare, insisted upon his accept- 
 ing the proposal, which he at last determined 
 to embrace, with great reluctance ; and in a 
 few days, took his leave of me, shedding a 
 flood of tears, which I could not behold with- 
 out emotion. I now began to look upon 
 mj'solf as a gentleman in reality; learned to 
 (lance ; frecjuented plays during the holidays; 
 became the oracle of an ale-house, where every 
 dispute was referred to my decision ; and at 
 length contracted an acquaintance with a 
 young lady, who found means to make a con- 
 quest of my heart, and upon whom I pre- 
 vailed, after much attendance and solicita- 
 tion, to give me a promise of marriage. As 
 this beautiful creature passed for a rich 
 heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was 
 actually on the point of crowning all ray 
 wishes by matrimony, when I ma<:le such a 
 discovery as effectually turned me from my 
 design, and I abandoned all thoughts of mar- 
 riage for the future. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 'iO 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Sqnire Gaxrhj comes to lodge %cith my master 
 — is inrolvrd in a trouhh:some affair, out of 
 u-hich he is extricated h^j mc — he marnes 
 viy mn st er' s daughter — tlicy eoii^pirc against 
 me — / am found guilty of theft, and dis- 
 charged — deserted by vvy fi-icnds, I hire a 
 room in St. Giles's — where, by accident, I 
 find thclady to vhom I paid my addresses 
 in a mise'able condition — I relieve her. 
 
 WHEN I enjoyed myself at largo in this 
 temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his 
 first floor to my countryman and acquaint- 
 ance, Squire Gawky, who by this time had 
 got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a 
 martial ferocity in his appearance, tliat I was 
 afraid ho would remember what liappened be- 
 tween us in Scotland, and atone for his breach 
 of appointment then by his punctuality now ; 
 but whether ho had actually forpot me, or was 
 willing to make mo bclicvo so, ho betrayed 
 not tho least symptom of recognition at sight 
 of me, and I remainwl quite cured of my ap- 
 prehension ; though I had occasion not long 
 after to be conyinced, that howsoever his ex- 
 ternals might be altered, he was at bottom 
 the same individual Gawkj', whom I have al- 
 ready described. For coming home late one 
 night from tho house of a patient, I heard a 
 noise in tho street, and as 1 approached, per- 
 ceived two gentlemen in cu.stody of threo 
 watchmen. The prisoners, who were miser- 
 ably disfigurc<l with dirt, complained bitterly 
 of the loss of their hats and wigs ; and one of 
 them, whom by his tongue, I knew to bo a 
 Scotchman, lamented mo.^t pitonu.'sly, oflFering 
 a guinea for his liberty, which tho watchman 
 refusetl, alleging that ono of his companions 
 was wounded grievouslj", and that ho must 
 stand to tho consequence. My prejudice in 
 favour of my native country was so strong, 
 that I could not bear to see anybody belong- 
 ing to it in distress, and therefore, with one 
 blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the 
 watchman who had hold of tho person for 
 whom I was chiefly concerned. Ho wa.s no 
 Booner disengaged, than he betook himself to 
 his heels, and left mo to maintain the dispute 
 as I should think proper; and, indeed, I came 
 off but scurvily, for, before I could avail my- 
 self of my speed, I received a blow on the 
 eye, from one of the other two, that had well 
 nigh deprived mo of tho use of that organ. 
 However, I made shift to get home, where I 
 was informed of Captain Gawky's being rob- 
 bed and abused by a company of footpads, 
 and wivs ordered by my master to prepare an 
 emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in 
 order to allay and compose the ferment of his 
 spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment 
 he harl undergone, while he took twelve 
 ounces of blood from him immediately. 
 
 When I inquired into the particulars of this 
 adventure, and understood by the servant 
 that he came in just before me, without hat 
 and wig, I made no scruple of believing him 
 
 to be tho person I had released, and was con- 
 firmed in my belief upon hearing his voice, 
 to which (before that event) I had been so 
 long a stranger. 
 
 My eye being considerably swelled and in- 
 flamed, I could not reflect upon my enter- 
 prise without cursing my own folly, and even 
 resolving to declare the truth of tho whole 
 story, in order to bo revenged on the cowardly 
 wretch for whom I had sulfered : accordingly, 
 next da.v after he had told, in presence of my 
 master, his wife and daughter, who came to 
 visit him, a thousand lies concerning the 
 prowess he had shown in making his escape, 
 I ventured to explain the mystery, and, call- 
 ing in the evidence of my contused eye, up- 
 braided him with cowardice and ingratitude. 
 Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, 
 that he could not answer one wonl, and tho 
 rest of the company stared at one another ; 
 till at length my mistress reprimanded me for 
 my insolent behaviour, and threatened to 
 turn mo away for my presumption. Upon 
 which. Gawky (having recollected himself) 
 observed, as the young man might have mis- 
 taken another person for him, ho could for- 
 give his insinuations, more especially as ho 
 seemed to have suffered for his civility ; but 
 advised me to bo more certain in my con- 
 jectures for tho future, before I ventured to 
 publish them to the prejudice of any man. 
 Miss applauded the Captain's generosity in 
 pardoning one who had so villanously as- 
 persed him, and I began to imagine her praise 
 was not at all disinterested. But tho apothe- 
 cary, who perhaps had more penetration or 
 less partiality than his wife and daughter, 
 differed from them in their sentiments of tho 
 matter, and expressed himself to me in tho 
 shop in this manner : ' Ah mon pan v re Ro- 
 denque ! you have more of do veracite dan of | 
 do prudence — bot mine vife and dater be 
 diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine 
 un fanfaron, pardieu!' 
 
 This eulogium on his wife and daughter, 
 though spoken ironically by him, was never- 
 theless literally just; by espousing tho cause 
 of Gawky, the ono obliged a valuable lodger, 
 and tho other acquired a husband at a junc- 
 ture when one was absolutely necessary. Tho 
 young lady insinuated herself so artfully into 
 tho a8"ection of this new lodger, that in less 
 than a fortnight, on pretence of going to tho 
 play, they drove away together to tho Fleet, 
 where they were married ; and in the morning 
 came homo, where they asked her father's 
 and mother's blessing. The prudent parents, 
 notwithstanding the precipitation with which 
 tho match was earned on, did not think 
 fit to refuse their approbation ; for the apo- 
 thecary was not ill pleased to find his 
 daughter married to a young man of a good 
 prospect, who had not mentioned one syllable 
 on the article of her dowry ; and his wife was 
 rejoiced at being rid of a rival and a spy upon 
 her. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, 
 my discovery of the adventure before related, 
 
50 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 and the reproaches I vented against him, had 
 stung him to the soul, and cherished the 
 seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, 
 that he imparted his indignation to his wife, 
 Avho being as desirous as himself to accom- 
 plish the ruin of one that not only slighted 
 her caresses, but "was able on any occasion to 
 discover particulars not at all advantageous to 
 her character, readily joined in a conspiracy 
 against me, which (had it taken effect as they 
 expected) would infallibly have brought me 
 to an ignominious death. 
 
 My master having several times missed 
 large quantities of medicines, of which I could 
 give no account, at last lost all patience, and 
 in plain terms taxed me with having embezzled 
 them for my own use. As I could only op- 
 pose my single asseveration to his suspicion, 
 he told me one day, ' Your vord not be give 
 me de satisfaction— me find necessaire to 
 chercher for my medicine ; pardonnez moi — 
 il faut chercher — me demand le clef of your 
 coffre a cette heure.' Tlien raising his voice 
 to conceal the fright be was in lest T should 
 make any opposition, he went on, ' Oui ! I 
 charge you rendez le clef of your coffre— moi 
 — si, moi qui vous parle.' I was fired with so 
 much resentment and disdain at this accusa- 
 tion, that I burst into tears, which he took 
 for a sign of guilt ; and pulling out my key, 
 told him he might satisfy himself immediately, 
 though he would not find it so easy to satisfy 
 me for the injury my reputation had suffered 
 from his unjust suspicion. He took the key 
 and mounted up to my chamber, attended by 
 the whole family, saying, ' Eh bien, nous ver- 
 rons — nous verrons.' But what was my hor- 
 ror and amazement, when, opening my chest, 
 he pulled out a handful of the very things 
 that were missing, and pronounced, ' Ah, ha , 
 vous etes bienvenu — mardy, Mons. Eoderique, 
 you be fort innocent !' I had not power to 
 utter one word in my own vindication, but 
 stood motionless and silent, while everybody 
 present made their respective remarks on 
 what appeared against me. The servants 
 said they were sorry for my misfortune, and 
 went away repeating ' Who would have 
 thought it ?' My mistress took occasion 
 from this detection to rail against the prac- 
 tice of employing strangers in general ; and 
 Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she 
 never had a good opinion of my fidelity, pro- 
 posed to have me carried before the justice, 
 and committed to Newgate immediately. 
 Her husband was actually upon the stairs in 
 his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement 
 knowing the cost and trouble of a prosecution 
 to which he must bind himself, and at the same 
 time dreading lest some particulars of my 
 confession might affect his practice, called 
 out. ' Restez, mon fils ! restez, it be veritable- 
 ment one grand crime which dis pauvre diable 
 have committed— bot peut-etre de good God 
 give him de penitence, and me vill not have 
 upon mine head de blood of one sinner.' The 
 captain and hia lady used all the Christian 
 
 arguments their zeal could suggest to prevail 
 upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruc- 
 tion, and represented the injustice he did to 
 the community of which he was a member, in 
 letting a villain escape, who would not fail of 
 doing more mischief in the world when he 
 should reflect on his coming off so easily 
 now ; but their eloquence made no impression 
 on my master, who turning to me said, ' Go, 
 miserable, go from mine house quick, quick ! 
 — and make reparation for your mauvaiso ac- 
 tions.' By this time my indignation had 
 roused me from the stupefaction in which I 
 had hitherto remained, and I began in this 
 manner : — ' Sir, appearances I own condemn 
 me ; but you are imposed upon as much as I 
 am abused : I have fallen a sacrifice to the 
 rancour of that scoundrel' (pointing to 
 Gawky,) 'who has found means to convey 
 your goods hither, that the detection of them 
 might blast my reputation, and accomplish 
 my destruction. His hatred to me is owing 
 to a consciousness of his having wronged me 
 in my own country — for which injury he, in 
 a cowardly manner refused me the satisfac- 
 tion of a gentleman ; he knows, moreover, 
 that I am no stranger to his dastardly be- 
 haviour in this town, which I have recounted 
 before, and he is unwilling that such a testi- 
 mony of his ingratitude and pusillanimity 
 should live upon the earth ; for this reason 
 he is guilty of the most infernal malice to 
 bring about my ruin. And I am afraid, 
 madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky,) you have 
 too easily entered into the sentiments of your 
 husband. I have often found you my enemy, 
 and am well acquainted with the occasion of 
 your being so, which I don't at ijresent think 
 proper to declare ; but I would advise you, 
 for your own sake, not to drive me to ex- 
 tremity.' This address enraged her so much, 
 that with a face as red as scarlet, and the eyes 
 of a fury, she strutted up to me, and putting 
 her hands in her sides, spat in my face, say- 
 ing, I was a scandalous villain, but she defied 
 my malice ; and that unless her papa would 
 prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would 
 not stay another night under his roof. At 
 the same time. Gawky assuming a big 
 look, told me, he scorned what lies I could 
 invent against him; but that, if I pre- 
 tended to asperse his wife, he would put 
 mo to death. To this threat I answered, 
 ' I wish I could meet with thee in a de- 
 sort, that I might have an opportunity of 
 punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, 
 and rid the world of such a rascal. What 
 hinders me this moment,' said I, seizing an 
 old bottle that stood by, ' from doing myself 
 that justice ?' I had no sooner armed myself 
 in this manner, than Gawky and his father- 
 in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one 
 overturned the other, and they rolled together 
 down stairs, while my mistress swooned away 
 with fear, and her daughter asked if I in- 
 tended to murder her. I gave her to under- 
 stand, that nothing was farther from my 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 51 
 
 intention, that I would leave her to the stings 
 of her own conscience ; but was firmly re- 
 solved to slit her husband's nose, whenever 
 fortune should offer a convenient opportu- 
 nity. Then going down stairs, I met Lave- 
 ment coming up trembling with the pestle in 
 his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his 
 sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a 
 parley : and having assured him of my pa- 
 cific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, ' Ah, 
 villain ! you have killed my dear wife.' And 
 the apothecary cried, ' Ah, coquin ! vere is 
 my shild ?' ' The lady,' said I, ' is above 
 stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months 
 hence, 1 believe reward your concern.' Here 
 she called to them, and desired they would 
 let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no 
 further about him. To which request her 
 father consented, observing, nevertheless, 
 that my conversation was ' very mysterious.' 
 
 Finding it impossible to vindicate my in- 
 nocence, I left the house immediately, and 
 went to the schoolmaster, with an intention 
 of clearing myself to hmi, and asking his ad- 
 vice with regard to my future conduct; but, 
 to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone to 
 the country, where he would stay two or 
 three days. I returned with a design of con- 
 sulting some acquaintance I had acquired in 
 the neighbourhood ; but my story had taken 
 air through the officionsness of the servants, 
 and not one of my friends would vouchsafe 
 me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the 
 iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplo- 
 rable condition than ever : for though I had 
 been formerly as poor, my reputation was 
 without blemish, and my health unimpaired 
 till now ; but at present my good name was 
 lost, my money gone, my frien^ls were alien- 
 ated, my body was infected by an odious dis- 
 temper ; and my faithful Strap, who alone 
 could yield me pity and assistance, absent I 
 knew not where. 
 
 The first resolution I could take in this 
 melancholy conjuncture, was to remove my 
 clothes to the house of the person with whom 
 I had formerly lodged, where I remained two 
 days in hopes of getting another place by the 
 interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I 
 made no doubt of being able to vindicate my 
 character ; but in this supposition I reckoned 
 without my host, for Lavement took care to 
 be beforehand with me ; and when I attempted 
 to explain the whole affair to the schoolmas- 
 ter, I found him so prepossessed against me, 
 that he would scarce hear me to an end ; but 
 when I had finished my justification, shook 
 his head, and beginning with his usual excla- 
 mation said, ' That won't go down with me. 
 I am very sorry I should have the misfortune 
 of being concerned in the affair, but, how- 
 ever, shall be more cautious for the future — 
 I will trust no man from henceforward — no, 
 not my father who begat me, nor the brother 
 who lay with me in my mother's womb : 
 should Daniel rise I'rom the dead. I would 
 
 think him an impostor ; and were the genius 
 of truth to appear, would question its vera- 
 city!' I told him, that one day it was pos- 
 sible he might be convinced of the injury I 
 had suffered, and repent of his premature 
 determination. To which remark he an- 
 swered, the proof of my innocence would 
 make his bowels vibrate with joy; ' but till 
 that shall happen,' continued he, ' I must beg 
 to have no manner of connection with you — 
 my reputation is at stake. I shall be looked 
 upon as your accomplice and abettor — 
 people will say Jonathan Wild was but a 
 type of me — boys will hoot nt me as I pass 
 along; and the cinder-wenches belch forth 
 reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with 
 gin : I shall be notorious — the very butt of 
 slander, and sink of infamy!' I was not in 
 a humour to relish the climax of expressions 
 upon which this gentleman valued himself in 
 all his discourses ; but, without any ceremony, 
 took my leave, cursed with every sentiment 
 of horror which my situation could suggest. 
 I considered, however, in the intervals of my 
 despondence, that I must in some shape suit 
 my expense to my calamitous circumstances, 
 and with that view hired an apartment in a 
 garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine- 
 pence per week. 
 
 One day, when I sat in this solitary retreat, 
 musiag upon the unhappiness of my fate, I 
 was alarmed by a groan that issued from a 
 chamber contiguous to mine, into which I 
 immediately ran, and found a woman stretched 
 on a miserable truckle bed, without any visi- 
 ble signs of life. Having applied a smelling- 
 bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit 
 her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good 
 heaven ! what were the emotions of my soul, 
 when I discovered her to be the same indi- 
 vidual lady who had triumphed over my heart, 
 and to whose fate I had almost been insepa- 
 rably joined ! Her deplorable situation filled 
 my breast with compassion. She knew me 
 immediately ; and, straining me gently inker 
 arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could 
 not help increasing. At length, casting a 
 languishing look at me, she pronounced with 
 a feeble voice, 'Dear Mr. Eandom, I do not 
 deserve this concern at your hands. I am a 
 vile creature, who had a base design upon 
 your person — suffer me to expiate that", and all 
 my other crimes, by a miserable death, which 
 wiU not fail to overtake me in a few hours.' 
 I encouraged her as much as I could, told her 
 I forgave aU her intentions with regard to me ; 
 and that, although my circumstances were 
 extremely low, I would share my last farthing 
 with her. I begged in the meantime to know 
 the immediate cause of that fit from which 
 she had just recovered, and said, I would en- 
 deavour by my skill to prevent any more such 
 attacks. She seemed very much affected with 
 this expression, took my hand, and pressed it 
 to her lijDS, saying, ' You are too generous ! I 
 wish I could live to express my gratitude — 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 but alas I I perish for want.' Then shutting 
 her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. 
 Such extremity of distress must have waked 
 the most obdurate heart to sympathy and 
 compassion ; what effect then must it have 
 had on mine, that was naturally prone to 
 every tender passion ? I ran downstairs, and 
 sent my landlady to a chepiist's shop for some 
 cinnamon water, while I, returning to this 
 unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the 
 means in my power to bring her to herself ; 
 this aim with much difficulty I accomplished, 
 and made her drink a glass of the cordial to 
 recruit her spirits : then I prepared a little 
 mulled red wine and a toast, which having 
 taken, she found herself thorouglily revived, 
 and informed me, that she had not tasted food 
 for eight and forty hours before. As I was 
 impatient to know the occasion and nature of 
 her calamity, she gave me to understand, that 
 she was a woman of the town by profession ; 
 that in the course of her adventures she found 
 herself dangerously infected with a distem- 
 per, to which all of her class are particularly 
 subject ; that her malady gaining ground 
 every day, she became loathsome to herself, 
 and offensive to others : when she resolved to 
 retire to some obscure corner, where she might 
 be cured with as little noise and expense as 
 possible ; that she had accordingly chosen 
 this ])laco of retreat, and jiut herself into the 
 hands of an advertising doctor, who having 
 fleeced her of all the money she had, or could 
 procure, left her three days ago in a worse 
 condition than that in which ho found her ; 
 that except the clothes on her back, she had 
 pawned or sold everything that belonged to 
 her to satisfy that rapacious quack, and quiet 
 the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted 
 in lier threats to turn her out into the street. 
 After having moralised upon these particu- 
 lars, I proposed that she should lodge in the 
 same room with me, an expedient that would 
 save some money : and assured her, I would 
 undertake to cure her as well as my own, dur- 
 ing which she should partake of all the con- 
 veniences that I could afford to myself. She 
 embraced my offer with unfeigned acknow- 
 ledgment, and I began to put it in practice 
 immediately. I found her not only an agree- 
 able companion, whoso conversation greatly 
 alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful 
 nurse, who served me with the utmost fide- 
 lity and affection. One day, while I testified 
 my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good 
 sense, and education (for she had a large por- 
 tion of each), could be reduced to such an 
 infamous and miserable way of life, she an- 
 swered with a .sigh, ' These very advantages 
 were the cause of my undoing.' This remark- 
 able reply inflamed my curiosity to such a de- 
 gree, that I begged she would favour me with 
 the particulars of her story, and she complied 
 in those words. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 The History of Miss Williams, 
 
 ' lyr Y father was an eminent merchant in the 
 ItJ. city, who having, in the course of 
 trade, suffered very considerable losses, re- 
 tired in his old age with his Avife to a small 
 estate in the country, which he had purchased 
 with the remains of his fortune. At that time, 
 I being but eight years of age, was left in town 
 for the convenience of education, boarded with 
 an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian, and 
 confined me so closeh' to what she called the 
 duties of religion, that in time I grew weary 
 of her doctrines, and by degrees conceived an 
 aversion for the good books she daily recom- 
 mended to my perusal. As I increased in age, 
 and appeared with a person not disagreeable, 
 I contracted a good de.al of acquaintance 
 among my own sex ; one of whom, after hav- 
 ing lamented the restraint I was under from 
 the narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told 
 me T must now throw otf the prejudices of 
 opinion imbibed under her influence and ex- 
 ample, and learn to think for myself; for 
 which purpose she atlvised me to read Shafts- 
 bury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the authors that 
 arc remarkable for their deviation from the 
 old way of thinking, and by comparing one 
 with the other, I should soon bo aide to form 
 a system of my own. I followed her advice ; 
 and whether it was owing to my preposses- 
 sion against what I had formerly read, or tho 
 clearness of argument in these my new in- 
 structors, I know not ; but I studied them 
 with pleasure, and in a short time became a 
 professed freethinker. Proud of my new im- 
 provement, I argued in all companies, and 
 that with such success, that I soon acquired 
 the rcputation-of a philosopher, and few peo- 
 ple durst undertake me in a dLspute. I grew 
 vain upon my good fortune, and at length 
 pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my 
 opinion ; but she no sooner perceived my 
 drift, than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my 
 father an account of my heresy, and conjured 
 him, as he tendered tho good of my soul, to 
 remove me immediately from the dangerous 
 place where I had contracted such sinful prin- 
 ciples. Accordingly, my father ordered mo 
 into tho country, where I arrived in tho fif- 
 teenth year of my age, and, by his command, 
 gave him a detail of all thoarticlesof my faith, 
 which he did not find so unreasonable as thoy 
 had been represented. Finding myself sud- 
 denly deprived of the company and pleasures 
 ofthetown, I grew mclancnoly, and it was 
 some time before I could relish my situation. 
 But solitude became every day more and 
 more familiar to me, and I consoled myself 
 in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good 
 library, at such times as wore not employed 
 in the management of the family (for my 
 mother had been dead three years), in visiting, 
 or some other party of rural diversion. Hav- 
 ing more imagination than judgment, I ad- 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 dieted myself too much to poetry and romance; 
 and, in short, was looked upon as a very 
 extraordinary person by everybody in the 
 country where I resided. 
 
 ' I had one evening strayed, with a book 
 in my hand, into a wood that bordered 
 on the high road, at a little distance from my 
 father's house, when a certain drunken squire, 
 riding by, perc:ived me, and crying, *' Holloa, 
 there's a charming creature ! " alighted in a 
 moment, caught me in his arms, and treated 
 mo so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I 
 could, and in the meantime opposed his 
 violence with all the strength that rage and 
 resentment could inspire. Duringthis struggle, 
 another horseman came up, who, seeing a 
 lady so unworthily used, dismounted, and 
 flew to ray assistance. The squire, mad with 
 disappointment, or provoked with the re- 
 proaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, 
 and, running to his horse, drew a j)istol from 
 the saddle, and fired it at my protector, who 
 happily receiving no damage, went up, and, 
 with the butt-end of his whip laid him pros- 
 trate on the ground before ho could use the 
 other, which his antagonist immediately seized, 
 and, clapping to the squire's breast threatened 
 to put him to death for his cowardice and 
 treachery. In this dilemma I interposed 
 and begged his life, which was granted to my 
 request, after ho had asked pardon, and sworo 
 his intention was only to obtain a kiss. 
 However, my defender thought proper to 
 unload the other pistol, and throw away tho 
 flints, before ho gave him his liberty. This 
 courteous stranger conducted mo home, where 
 my father having learned tho signal scrvico 
 ho had done me, loaded him with, caresses, 
 and insisted on his lodging that night at our 
 house. If the obligation ho had conferred 
 upon me justly inspired mo with sentiments 
 of gratitude, his appearance and conversation 
 seemed to entitle him to somewhat more. 
 Ho was about tho ago of two-and-twunty, 
 among the tallest of tho middle size ; had 
 chesnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied 
 up in a ribbon ; a liigh i)olished forehead, a 
 no.se mclining to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, 
 red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and 
 a certain openness of countenance — but why 
 neotl I describe any more particulars of his 
 person ? I hope you will do mo the justice to 
 believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the 
 exact resemblance of j-ou ; and if I had not 
 been well acquainted with his family and 
 pedigree, I should have made no scruple of 
 concluding that you was his brother. Ho 
 spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve ; 
 for what he said was ingenuous, sensible, and 
 uncommon. In short,' said she, bursting into 
 tears, ' he was formed for the ruin of our sex. 
 His liehaviour was modest and respectful, 
 but his looks were so significant, that I could 
 easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion 
 that introduced him to my acquaintance. We 
 learned from his discourse that he was the 
 eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the 
 
 neighbourhood, to whose name wo were no 
 strangers — that he had been to visit an 
 acquaintance in the country, from whoso 
 house he was returning homo, when my 
 shrieks brought him to my rescue. 
 
 ' All night long my imagination formed a 
 thousand ridiculous expectations : there was 
 so much of knight-errantry in this gentle- 
 man's coming to the relief of a damsel in 
 distress, with whom he immediately became 
 enamoured, that ail I had read of love and 
 chivalry recurred to my fancy ; and I looked 
 upon myself as a princess in some region of 
 romance, who being delivered from the power 
 of some brutal giant or satyr, by a generous 
 Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well 
 as led by inclination, to yield up my affections 
 to him without reserve. In vain did I en- 
 deavour to chastise these foolish conceits by 
 reflections more reasonable and severe : tho 
 amusing images took full possession of my 
 mind, and my dreams represented my»horo 
 sighing at my feet, in tho language of a de- 
 spairing lover. Next morning after brcakfa.'-t 
 ho took his leave, when my father begged tho 
 favour of further acquaintance with him ; to 
 which request ho replied by a compliment to 
 him, and a look to mo so full of eloquence ami 
 tenderness, that my whole soul received tho 
 soft impression. In a short time ho re- 
 peated his visit; and as a recital of the par- 
 ticular steps ho pursued to ruin me would bo 
 tedious and imiicrtinent, let it suffice to say, 
 ho made it his business to insinuate himself 
 into my esteem, by couA-incing mo of his own 
 good sense, and at tho same time flatterinj^' 
 my understan<ling. This ta.sk ho performcil 
 in the most artful manner, by seeming to co: - 
 tradict me often through misapprehension, 
 that I might have an opportunity of clearing 
 myself the more to my own honour. Having; 
 thus secured my good opinion, he began to 
 give me some tokens of a particular passion, 
 founded on a veneration of the qualities of mr 
 mind, and, as an accidental ornament, admirod 
 the beauties of my person ; till at length, 
 being fully persuaded of his conquest, ho 
 chose a i)roper season for the theme, and dis- 
 closed his love in terms so ardent and sincere, 
 that it was impo.ssible for mo to disguise tho 
 sentiments of my heart, and he received my 
 approbation with the most lively transporl. 
 After this mutual declaration, wo contrived 
 to meet more frequently in private interviews, 
 where we enjoyed tho conversation of ono 
 another, in all the elevation of fancy and im- 
 patience of hope that reciprocal adoration 
 can inspire. Ho professed his honourabla 
 intentions, of which I matle no question ; 
 lamented the avaricious disposition of hi-; 
 father, who had destined him for the arms of 
 another; and vowed eternal fidelity with 
 such an appearance of candour and devotinii, 
 that I became a dupe to his deceit. Cursed 
 be the day on which I gave away my inno- 
 cence and peace ! Cursed be my beauty tli.it 
 first attracted the attention of the seducer ! 
 
54 
 
 RODERICK random: 
 
 Cursed be my education, that, by refining my 
 sentiments, made my heart the more suscep- 
 tible ! Cursed be my good sense, that fixed 
 me to one object, and taught me the prefe- 
 rence I enjoyed was but my due ! Had I been 
 ugly, nobody would have tempted me ; had I 
 been ignorant, the charms of my person would 
 not have atoned for the coarseness of my 
 conversation ; had I been giddy, my vanity 
 would have divided my inclinations, and my 
 ideas would have been so difi'used, that I 
 should never have listened to the enchant- 
 ments of one alone. 
 
 ' But to return to my unfortunate story. 
 After some months, the visits of my lover be- 
 came less frequent, and his behaviour less 
 warm: I perceived his coldness, my heart 
 took the alarm, my tears reproached him, 
 and I insisted upon the performance of his 
 promise to espouse me, that, whatever 
 should happen, my reputation might bo 
 safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my pro- 
 posal, and left me on pretence of finding a 
 proper clergj-man to unite us in the bands of 
 wedlock. But alas ! the inconstant had no in- 
 tention to return. I waited a whole week 
 Avith the utmost impatience ; sometimes 
 doubting his honour, at other times invent- 
 ing excuses for him, and condemning mj'self 
 for harbouring suspicions of his faith. At 
 length I understood from a gentleman who 
 dinod at our house, that this perfidious wretch 
 was on the point of setting out for London 
 with his bride, to buy clothes for their ap- 
 proaching nuptials. This information dis- 
 tracted me ! Rage took possession of my 
 soul ; I denounced a thousand imprecations, 
 and formed as many schemes of revenjro 
 again-t the traitor who hatl luulono me ! 
 Then my resentment would subside to silent 
 sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I had 
 lost, I wept over my infatuation, and some- 
 times a ray of hope would intervene, and for 
 n moment cheer my drooping heart ; I would 
 revolve all the favourable circumstances of 
 his character, repeat the vows ho made, 
 ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a sus- 
 picious father who compelled liim to a match 
 his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with 
 the expectation of seeing him before the thing 
 shoidd bo brought to any terms of agreement. 
 But how vain was my imagination! The 
 villain left me without remorse, and in a few 
 days the news of his marriage were spread all 
 over the country. My horror was then in- 
 conceivable ; and had not the desire of revenge 
 diverted the resolution, I should infallibly 
 have put an end to my miserable life. My 
 father observed the sj-mptoms of my despair ; 
 and though I have good reason to believe he 
 guessed the cause, was at a great deal of 
 pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while 
 he endeavoured with parental fondness to 
 alleviate my distress. T saw his concern, 
 which inoroasod my anguish, and raised my 
 fury against the author of my calamity to an 
 implacable degree. 
 
 'Having funiished raysoif with a little 
 money, I made an elopement from this un- 
 happy parent in the night-time, and about 
 break of day arrived at a small town, from 
 whence a stage coach set out for London, in 
 which I embarked, and next day alighted in 
 town ; the spirit of revenge having supported 
 m« aU the way against every other reflection. 
 My first care was to hire a lodging, in which 
 I kept myself very retired, having assimied a 
 feigned name, that my character and situation 
 might be better concealed. It was not long 
 before I found out the house of my lover, 
 whither I immediately repaired m a transport 
 of rage, determined to act some desperate 
 deed for the satisfaction of my despair, 
 though the hurry of my spirits would not 
 permit me to concert or resolve upon a parti- 
 cular plan. When I demanded admission to 
 Lothario (so let me call him), I was desired to 
 send up my name and business ; but this I 
 refused, telling the porter I had business for 
 his master's private ear; upon which I was 
 conducted into a parlour until ho should be 
 informed of my request. There I remained 
 about a quarter of an hour, when a servant 
 entered and told me his master was engaged 
 with company, and begged to bo excused at 
 that time. My temper could hold out no 
 longer: I pulled out a poniard from my 
 bosom, where I had concealed it, and rushing 
 out, How up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, 
 *' Where's thia perfidious villain r could I 
 plunge this dagger into his false heart, I 
 should then die satisfied I" The noise I made 
 alarmed not only the servants, but the com- 
 pany also, who hearing my threats came for- 
 ward to the staircase to see what was the 
 matter. I was seized, disarmed, and with- 
 held by two footmen ; and in this situation 
 felt the most exquisite torture in beholding 
 my undoer approach with liis j'oung wife. I 
 could not endure the sight, was deprived of 
 my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during 
 which I know not how I was treated ; but 
 when I recovered the use of reflection, found 
 m3-sc'lf on a bed in a paltry apartment, where 
 I was attended by an old woman, who asked 
 a thousand imi)ertinent questions relating to 
 my condition, and informed mo that my be- 
 haviour had thro^s-n the whole family into 
 confusion ; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, 
 and proposed to have mo sent to Bedlam ; 
 but my lady persuaded herself there was 
 more in my conduct than ho cared should bo 
 known, and had taken to her bed on bare 
 suspicion, having first ordered that I should 
 be narrowly looked to. T hearil all she said 
 without making any other reply than desir- 
 ing she would do me the favour to call a 
 chair; but this she told me could not be done 
 without her master's consent, which, liow- 
 ever, was easily procured, and I was conveyed 
 to my own lodgings in a state of mind that 
 bafiles all description. The agitation of my 
 thoughts produced a fever, which brought on 
 a miscarriage; and I believe it is well lor my 
 
nCDERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 55 
 
 oonscienco that heaven thus disposed of my 
 burden; for let me own to j'ou with penitence 
 and horror, if I had brought a living child into 
 the world, my frenzy would have prompted 
 me to sacrifice the little innocent to my 
 resentment of the father's infidelitj*. 
 
 'After this event my rage abated, and my 
 hate became more deliberate and calm : when 
 one day my landlady informed me that there 
 was a gentleman below who desired to see 
 me, he having something of consequence to 
 icpart, which he was sure would contribute 
 to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly 
 alarmed at this declaration, which I at- 
 tempted to interpret a thousand ways ; and 
 before I came to any determination he entered 
 my room, with an apology for intruding with- 
 out my knowledge or consent. I surveyed 
 him some time, and not being able to recol- 
 lect his face, demanded, with a faltering ac- 
 cent, what his business was with me ? Upon 
 which he desired I would give him a particular 
 audience, and he did not doubt of communi- 
 cating something that would conduce to my 
 satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself 
 suihcicntly guarded against any violence, I 
 granted his request, and bade the woman 
 withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, 
 gave me to understand that he was well ac- 
 quainted with the particulars of my story, 
 having been informed of them from Lothario's 
 own mouth — that from the time he knew my 
 misfortunes he had entertained a detestation 
 for the author of them, which had of late been 
 increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, 
 by a piece of dishpnourable conduct towards 
 him — that hearing of my melancholy situa- 
 tion, he had come with an intention of offer- 
 ing his assistance and comfort, and was ready 
 to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith take 
 vengeance on my seducer, provided I would 
 
 rrant him one consideration, which, ho hoped, 
 should see no reason to refuse. Had all the 
 artifice of hell been employed in composing 
 a persuasive, it could not have had a more 
 instantaneous or favourable effect than this 
 discourse had upon me. I was transported 
 with a delirium of gloomy joy. The contract 
 was made ; he devoted himself to my revenge, 
 undertook to murder Lothario that very night, 
 and to bring mo an account of his death be- 
 fore morning. Accordingly, about two of the 
 clo(!k, he was introduced to my chamber, and 
 assured mo that my perfidious lover was no 
 more: that although he was not entitled to 
 such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly 
 challenged him to the field, where he up- 
 braided him with his treachery towards me, 
 for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, 
 and after a few passes left him weltering in 
 his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs, 
 that I delighted in the recital of this adven- 
 ture, made him repeat the particulars, and 
 feasted my eyes on the blood that remained 
 on his clothes and sword. My imagination 
 was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my 
 sleep I dreamed Lothario aiixieared before roe. 
 
 pale, mangled, and bloody; blamed my rash- 
 ness, protested his innocence, and jilcadcd his 
 cause so patheticallj', that I was convinced of 
 his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and 
 remorse. I dropped asleep again, and the 
 same apparition recurred to my fancy. In 
 short, I passed the night in great misery, and 
 looked upon my avenger with such abhor- 
 rence, that in the morning, perceiving my 
 aversion, ho insinuated there was still a pos- 
 sibility of Lothario's recovery: it was quite 
 true he left him wounded on the ground, but 
 not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might 
 not be mortal. At these words I started up, 
 bade him fly for intelligence, and if he could 
 not bring mo tidings of Lothario's safety, at 
 least consult his own, and never return ; for 
 I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, 
 and declare all I knew of the affair, that, if 
 possible, I might expiate my own guilt, by 
 incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance 
 and ignominious death. He very coolly re- 
 presented the unreasonableness of my preju- 
 dice against him, who had done nothing but 
 what his love of me inspired, and honour jua- 
 titied : that now he had, at the risk of his life, 
 been subservient to my revenge, I was about 
 to discard him as an infamous agent, occasion- 
 ally necessary ; and that, even if he should be 
 so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, 
 it was probable my former resentment might 
 revive, and I would upbraid him with having 
 failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that 
 on the contrary, he should be dearer to me 
 than ever, as 1 then should bo convinced he 
 acted more on the principles of a man of 
 honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, 
 and scorned to take away the life of an adver- 
 eary, how inveterate soever, which fortune 
 had put in his power. " "Well, then, madam," 
 said he, " whatever may have happened, I 
 shall find it no difficult matter to ac<iuit my- 
 self in point of honour ;" and took his leave 
 in order to inquire into the consequences of 
 his duel. I was now more sensible than ever 
 of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the 
 affliction I liad sutt'ercd hitherto was owing 
 to my own credulity and weakness, and my 
 conscience could only accuse me of venial 
 crimes; but now that I looked upon myself 
 OS a murderer, it is impossible to express the 
 terrors of my imagination, which was inces- 
 santly haunted by the image of the deceased, 
 and my bosom stung with the most exquisite 
 agonies, of which I saw no end. At length, 
 H ratio (for so I shall call my new friend) 
 returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, 
 delivered into my hands a billet containing 
 these words . 
 
 " Madam, 
 
 " As I understand it is of consequence to 
 your peace, I take this liberty to inform you, 
 that the wounds I received from Horatio are 
 not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity 
 could not deny, even to a person who has en- 
 deavoured to disturb the repose as well aa 
 destroy the life of " Lothario.' 
 
50 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ' Being: well acquainted with this hand, I 
 had no reason to suspect an imposition in 
 this letter, which I read over and over with 
 a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so 
 much that he appeared the happiest man 
 alive. Thus was I won from despair by the 
 menaces of a prreater misfortune than that 
 which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers 
 — the most powerful deposes all the rest. 
 But my raptures were not lasting : that very 
 letter which in a manner re-established my 
 tranquillity, in a little time banished my 
 peace. His unjust reproaches, while they 
 waked my resentment, recalled my former 
 happiness, and filled my soul ■with rage and 
 sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of 
 my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, 
 by treating me with all the amusements and 
 entertainments of the town. I was gratified 
 with every indulgence I could desire ; intro- 
 duced into the company of women in my 
 own situation, by whom an uncommon defe- 
 rence was paid to me ; and I began to lose 
 all remembrance of my former condition, 
 when an accident brought it back to my 
 view with all its interesting circumstances. 
 Diverting myself one day with some news- 
 papers, which I had not l)cfore perused, 
 the following advertisement attracted my 
 attention : 
 
 ' " Whereas a young gentlewoman disap- 
 peared from her father's house, in the county 
 of , about the end of September, on ac- 
 count (as is supposed) of some uneasiness of 
 mind, and has not been as yet heard of. Who- 
 ever will give any information about her to 
 
 Mr. of Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely 
 
 rewarded ; or if she will return to the arms 
 of her disconsolate parent, she will be re- 
 ceived with the utmost tenderness, whatever 
 reason she may have to think otherwise, and 
 may be the means of prolonging the life 
 of a father already weighed down almost to 
 the grave with age and sorrow." 
 
 ' This pathetic remonstrance had such an 
 effect on me, that I was fidly resolved to re- 
 turn, like the prodigal son, and implore the 
 forgiveness of him who gave me life ; but, 
 alas ! upon inquiry, I found he had paid his 
 debt to nature a month before, lamenting my 
 absence to his last hour, having left his for- 
 tune to a stranger, as a mark of his resent- 
 ment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. 
 Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I 
 .sank into the most profound melancholy, and 
 considered myself as the immediate cause of 
 his death. I lost all relish for company ; and, 
 indeed, most of my acquaintances no sooner 
 perceived my change of temper, than they 
 abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my 
 insensibility, or from some other cause, be- 
 came colder and colder every day, till at last 
 he left me altogether, without making any 
 apology for his conduct, or securing me 
 against the miseries of want, as a man of 
 honour ought to have done, considering the 
 sharo he had in my ruin ; for I afterwards 
 
 learned, that the quarrel between Lothario 
 and him was a story trumped up to rid the 
 one of my importunities, and give the other 
 a recommendation to me, which, it seems, he 
 desired, upon seeing me at the house of my 
 seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I cursed 
 my own simplicity, uttered horrid impreca- 
 tions against the treachery of Horatio ; and, 
 as I became every day more and more fami- 
 liarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to 
 be revenged on the sex in general, by pra"- 
 tising their own arts upon themselves. Nor 
 was an opportunity long wanting: an old 
 gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, 
 visited me, and after having condoled me on 
 my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested 
 friendship, began to display the art of her 
 occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and 
 invectives against the wretch who had for- 
 saken me ; insinuating withal, that it would 
 be my own fault if I did not still make my 
 fortune by the extraordinary qualifications 
 with which nature had endowed me. I soon 
 understood her drift, and gave her such encou- 
 ragement to exjAain herself, that we came to 
 an agreement immediately to divide what- 
 ever profits might accrue from such gallants 
 as she should introduce to my acquain- 
 tance. The first stroke of my dissimulation 
 was practised upon a certain judge, to 
 whom I was recommended by this matron 
 as an innocent creature just arrived from tho 
 country.' 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 Miss Williams interr\iptcd by a bailiff, who 
 carries her to the Marshalsea — I accompany 
 her — proi'c she is not the person named in 
 the writ— the bailiff is fain to discharge her 
 — u-e shift our lodging — her story, and my 
 reflections thereupon — progress of a common 
 iroman of the toxni — resolves to quit tliat 
 way of life. 
 
 HER story was here interrupted by a rap 
 at the door, which I no sooner opened, 
 than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, 
 one of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus : 
 ' Madam, your servant — you must do me the 
 favour to come along with me ; I have got a 
 writ against you.' While tho bailiff (for so he 
 was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the 
 prisoner, and began to handle her very 
 roughly. This treatment incensed me so 
 much, that I snatched np the poker, and 
 would certainly have used it in defence of the 
 lady, without any regard to the strength and 
 number of her adversaries, had she not beg- 
 ged me, with a composure of countenance for 
 which I could not account, to use no violence 
 in her behalf, which could be of no service te 
 her, but might be very detrimental to myself. 
 Then turning to the leader of this formidable 
 troop, she desired to see the writ, and having 
 perused it, said with a faltering voice, ' I am 
 not the Bcrson whose name is hero in°a« 
 
RODERICK RAND05T. 
 
 tioncd ; arrest mo at your peril.' ' Ay, ay, 
 maclam,' replied the catchpole, ' we shall 
 prove your identity. In the meantime, whi- 
 ther will you be pleased to be carried, to my 
 house, or to jail ? ' ' If I must bo confined,' said 
 she, ' I would rather be in your house than 
 in a common jail.' ' Well, well,' answered he, 
 ' if you have money enouph in your pocket, 
 you shall be entertained like a princess.' But 
 when she acquainted him with her poverty, 
 he swore ho never gave credit, and ordered 
 one of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry 
 her to the Marshalsea at once. While they 
 waited for the convenience, she took me 
 aside, and bade me be under no concern on 
 her account, for she knew how to extricate 
 herself from this difficulty very soon, and 
 perhaps gain something by the occasion. Al- 
 though her discourse was a mystery to me, I 
 was very well pleased with her assurance ; 
 and when tho coach came to the door, I 
 offered to accompany her to prison, to which 
 proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. 
 When we arrived at the gate of the Mar- 
 shalsea, our conductor alighted, and having 
 demanded entrance, presented tho writ to 
 the turnkey, who no sooner perceived tho 
 name of Elizabeth Gary than he cried, ' Ah, 
 ah ! my old acquaintance Bet ! I'm glad to 
 see thee with all my heart.' So saying, ho 
 opened the coach door, and helped her to dis- 
 mount ; but when he observed her face, ho 
 started back, saying, ' Who have wo got 
 here?" The bailiff, alarmed at this interro- 
 gation, cried with some emotion, ' Wlio should 
 it bo but tho prisoner, Elizabeth Gary ? ' Tho 
 turnkey replied, ' That Elizabeth Gary ! I'll 
 bo hanged if that's Elizabeth Gary more than 
 my grandmother.' Hero tho lady thought fit 
 to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had 
 taken her word for it at first, ho might have 
 saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. 
 ' It may be so,' answered he, ' but I'll have 
 further evidence that you are not tho person, 
 before you and I part.' ' Yes, yes,' said she, 
 'you shall have further evidence, to your 
 cost.' Then wo adjourned into the lodge, 
 and called for a bottle of wine, where my 
 companion wrote a direction to two of her 
 acquaintance, and begged the favour of mo 
 to go to their lodgings, and request them to 
 come to her immediately. I found them to- 
 gether at a house in Brydges Street, Drury 
 Lane, and as they were luckily unengaged, 
 they set out with me in a hackney-coach 
 without hesitation, after I had related the 
 circumstances of tho affair, which flattered 
 them with hopes of seeing a bailiff troun- 
 ced ; for there is an antipathy as natural be- 
 tween women of that class and bailiffs, as 
 that subsisting between mice and cats. Ac- 
 cordingly, when they entered the lodge, they 
 embraced the prisoner very affectionately, by 
 the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how 
 long she had been nabbed, and for what ? On 
 hearing tho particulars of her adventure re- 
 peated, they offered to swear before a justice 
 
 of peace that sho was not tho person men- 
 tioned in tho writ, whom, it seems, they all 
 knew ; but the bailiff, who was by this time 
 convinced of his mistake, told thorn he would 
 not put them to that trouble. ' Ladies,' said 
 he, ' there's no harm done — you shall give me 
 leave to treat you with another bottle, and 
 then we'll part friends.' ' This proposal was 
 not at all relished by tho sisterhood ; and 
 Miss Williams told him, sure he did not ima- 
 gine her such a fool as to be satisfied with a 
 paltry glass of sour wine ? Here the turnkey 
 interrupted her by affirming with an oatli, 
 that tho wino was as good as ever was tipjjed 
 over tongue. ' Well,' continued she, ' that 
 may bo ; but wore it the best of champagne, 
 it is no recompense for tho damage I have 
 suffered both in character and health, by 
 being wrongfully dragged to jail; at this 
 rate, no mnocent person is safe, since an 
 officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, 
 or mistake, may injure and oppress the sub- 
 ject with impunity ; but, thank heaven, I live 
 under tho protection of laws that will not 
 suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I 
 know very well how to procure redress.' 
 Mr. Vulture, for that was tho bailiff's name, 
 finding ho had to deal with one who would 
 not be imposed upon, began to look very sul- 
 len and perplexed, and, leaning his forehead 
 on his hand, entered into a deliberation with 
 himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then 
 broke out in a volley of dreadful curses 
 against tho old jade, our landladj', as ho 
 called her, for having misinformed him. After 
 much wrangling and swearing, tho matter 
 was referred to the decision of the turnkey, 
 who calling for the other bottle, mulcted tho 
 bailiff in all the liquor that had been drunk, 
 coach hire, and a couple of guineas for tho 
 use of the plaintiff. "The money was imme- 
 diately deposited ; Miss Williams gratified 
 tho two evidences with one half, and putting 
 the other in her pockot, drove home with me, 
 leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, 
 yet pleased in tho main, for having so cheaply 
 got clear of a business that might have cost 
 him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. 
 This guinea was a very seasonable relief to 
 us, who were reduced to great necessity, six 
 of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except 
 those on my back, having been either pawned 
 or sold for our maintenance before this 
 happened. As we resented the bchavion ? of 
 our landlady, our first care was to proi ido 
 ourselves with another lodging, whither -A'o 
 removed next day, with an intention to kesji 
 ourselves as retired as possible, until o. r 
 cure should bo completed. When wo wo: ? 
 fixed in our new habitation, I entreated ht • 
 to finish the story of her life, which she pur 
 sued in this manner : — 
 
 ' The success of our experiment on tho 
 judge encouraged us to practice the same 
 deceit on others ; but this harvest lasted not 
 long, my character taking air, and my direc- 
 tress deserting me for some new game. Tlicn 
 
•■^s 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 I took lodgings near Charing-cross, at two 
 guineas a week, and began to entertain com- 
 pany in a public manner ; but my income 
 being too small to defray my expenses, I 
 was obliged to retrench, and enter into 
 articles with the porters of certain taverns, 
 who undertook to find employment enough 
 for me, provided I would share my profits 
 with them. Accordingly, I was almost every 
 night engaged "v^-ith company, among whom 
 I was exposed to every mortification, danger, 
 and abuse, that flow from drunkenness and 
 brutality. As my spirit was not suflaciently 
 humbled to the -w-ill, nor my temper calcu- 
 lated for the conversation of my gallants, it 
 was impossible for me to overcome an aver- 
 sion I felt for my profession, which manifested 
 itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, 
 and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so 
 much, that I was frequently used in a shock- 
 ing manner, and kicked down stairs Avith 
 disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disa- 
 greeable to their benefactors and employers, 
 seldom troubled me with a call, and I began 
 to find my.self almost totally neglected. 
 
 'To contribute towards my support, I was 
 fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets, -vvith 
 the best part of my clothes ; and I was one 
 eyening musing by myself on the misery 
 before mo, when I received a message from a 
 tavern, whither I repaired in a chair, and 
 Was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an 
 officer, with whom 1 supped in a, sumptuous 
 manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I 
 found my gallant had got up, and, drawing 
 aside the curtain, could not perceive him in 
 the room. I waited a full hour for his return, 
 and then in the greatest perplexity, rose up 
 and rang the bell. "WTien the waiter came to 
 the door, he found it locked, and desired atlmit- 
 tance, which I granted, after observing, with 
 gieat surprise, that the key remained on the in- 
 side, as when we went to bod. I no sooner in- 
 quired for the captain, than the fellow, staring 
 with a distracted look, cried, ' How, madam, 
 is ho not a-bed ?' And when he was sati.^fied 
 as to that particular, ran into a closet adjoin- 
 ing to the chamber, the window of which he 
 found open. Through this the adventurer 
 had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped 
 down into a court and escajied, leaving mc to 
 be answerable, not only for the reckoning, 
 but also for a large silver tankard and posset- 
 bowl, which he had carried off with him. 
 
 ' It is impossible to describe the conster- 
 nation I was under, when I saw myself de- 
 tained as a thief s accomplice ; for I was 
 looked upon in that light, and carried before 
 a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a 
 sign of guilt, committed me, after a short 
 examination, to Bridewell, ha^^ng advised me, 
 as the only means to save my life, to turn 
 evidence, and impeach my confederate. I 
 now concluded the vengeance of Heaven had 
 overtaken me, and th.-it I must soon finish my 
 career by an ignominious death. This re- 
 flection sank so deep into my souL that I was 
 
 for some days deprived of my reason, and 
 actually believed myself in hell, tormented 
 by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very 
 extravagant imagination to form tliat idea ; 
 for of all the scenes on earth, that of Bride- 
 well approaches nearest the notion I had 
 always entertained of the infernal regions. 
 Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and 
 impiety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, 
 and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish 
 crew, I was subjected to the tjTanny of a 
 barbarian, who imposed upon mo tasks that 
 I could not possibly perform, and then pun- 
 ished my incapacity Avith the utmost rigour 
 and inhumanity. I was often whipped into 
 a swoon, and lashed out of it, during which 
 miserable intervals I was robbed bymyfellow- 
 jjrisoners of everything about me, even to my 
 cap, shoes, and stockings : I was not only 
 destitute of necessaries, out even of food, so 
 that my wretchedness was extreme. Not 
 one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted 
 my situation, would grant mo theleast succour 
 or regard, on pretence of my being commit- 
 ted for theft ; and my landlord refused to part 
 with some of my own clothes which I sent 
 for, because I was indebted to him for a 
 week's lodgfing. 
 
 ' Overwhelmed with calamity, I grow des- 
 perate, and rc.«olvcd to put an end to my 
 grievances and life together : for this purpose 
 I got up in the middle of the night, when I 
 thought everybody around mo asleep, am;, 
 fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large 
 hook in the ceiling, that s«upported the scales 
 on which the hemp i.s weighed, I stood upon 
 a chair, and making a noose on the other end, 
 put my nock into it, with an intention to . 
 iuang myself; but before I could adjust the 1 
 knot, I was 8nrpri.«!ed and prevented by two ' 
 women, wlio hiid been awake all the while, 
 and Busiiectod my design. In the morning, 
 my attempt was published among the prisoners 
 nnd punished with thirty stripes, the pain of 
 whicn, co-operating with my disappointment 
 And di.-<grace, bereft mo of my senses, and 
 throw me into an ocstacy of madness, during 
 which I tore the flesh from my bones with my 
 teeth, and dashed my heml against the pave- 
 ment ; so that they were oViliged to set a 
 watch over me, to restrain me from doing 
 further mischief to myself and others. This 
 fit of frenzy oontinucKl three days, at the end 
 of which I grow calm and sullen : but as tho 
 desire of making away with myself still re- 
 mained, I camo lio ftdetf'rmination of starving 
 myself to death, and with that view refused 
 all sustenance. 
 
 ' WTiether it was owing to the want of 
 opposition, or to the weakness of nature, I 
 know not : but on the second day of my fast, 
 I found mv resolution considerably impaired, 
 and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. 
 At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought 
 into the prison, with whom I had contracted 
 an acquaintance while I live<l ■^^•ith Horatio; 
 she was then on the same footing aa I wa«. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 99 
 
 Imt afterwards quaiTclling with her gallant, 
 and not finding another to her mind, iute.'ed 
 her scheme of life, and set up a cofFee-hoase 
 amon? the hundreds of Drury, where she en- 
 tertained gentlemen with claret, arrack, and 
 the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived 
 in her house. This servicablo matron having 
 ne|,'lccted to gratify a certain justice for the 
 connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the 
 quarter sessions, in consequence of which her 
 bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to 
 Bridewell. She had 'not been long there 
 before she learned my disaster, and coming 
 up to me, after a compliment of condolence, 
 imjuired into the particulars of my fate. 
 While we were engaged in discourse together, 
 the ma.ster came and told mo, that the fulluw 
 on wliose account I had suffered was taken, 
 that he had confessed the theft, and cleared 
 mo of any concern in the affair ; for which 
 reason ho, the master, had orders to dis- 
 charge me, and that I was from that moment 
 free. 
 
 ' This piece of news soon banislied all 
 thoughts of death, and had such :ui iiistan- 
 tancou-s effect on my countenance, that Mrs. 
 Coupler (the lady then present), hoping to 
 find her account in mo, very generously offered 
 to furnish mo with what necessaries I wanted, 
 and take mo into her own house, as soon as 
 she could compromise matters ^"ith the jus- 
 tices. Tho conditions of her offer were, that 
 I should pay three guinotis weekly for my 
 board, and a reasonable consideration besides, 
 for tho uso of such clothes and omaraouts as 
 she should supply mo with, to be deducted 
 from tho first i)rotit3 of my occujiation. Tlieso 
 were hard terms, but not to bo rejected by 
 ono who was turned out helple.-5a and naked 
 into tho wide world, without a friend to pity 
 or assist her. I therefore embraced hor pro- 
 posal, and she beuig bailed in a few hours, 
 took me homo with her in a coach. As I was 
 by this time conscious of having formerly 
 disgusted my afhnirers by my reserved and 
 haughty behaviour, I ^ow endeavoured to 
 conipier that disposition, anil tho sudden 
 chan'j-o of my furtune giving me a flow of 
 Bpirti-'^, I appeared in tho most winning and 
 gay manner I coidd assume. Having the ad- 
 vantafre of a good voice and education, I 
 ext'rted my talents to the uttermost, .ind soon 
 became the favourite with all company. This 
 success alarmed tho ]>ride and jealousy of 
 Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thcjughts 
 of being eclipse<l : she therefore made a 
 merit of her envy, and whisjiered among tho 
 customers that I was xmsouTid. There needed 
 no more to ruin my reputation and blast my 
 prosperity; everybody shunned me with 
 marks of aversion an<i disdain, and in a very 
 short time I was as solitary as ever. . Want 
 of gallants was attended with want of money 
 to satisfy my malicious landlady, who having 
 purposely given me credit to the amount of 
 eleven pounds, took out a writ against me, 
 and I was arrested in her own house. Though 
 
 tho room was crowded witli people when the 
 bailiff entered, not one of them had compassion 
 enough to mollify my prosecutrix, far less to 
 pay tho debt ; they even laughed at my tears, 
 and one of them bade mo bo of good cheer, for 
 I should not want admirers in Newgate. 
 
 ' At this instant a sea-licutcnant camo in, 
 and seeing my plight, began to inquire into 
 the circumstancesof my misfortune. "Harkco, 
 my girl," he inquired, '" how far have j'ou 
 overrun tho constable ? " I told him that the 
 debt amounted to cloven pounds, besides tho 
 expenses of the writ. " An that bo all," said 
 he, " you shan't go to tho bilboes this bout." 
 And taking out his purse, he paid tho money, 
 discharged tho bailiff, and tolling mo I had 
 got into tho wron^ port, advised mo to sock 
 out a more convenient harbour, where I could 
 be safely hove down ; for which purpose he 
 made mo a present of five guineas more. I 
 was BO touched with this singular piece of 
 generosity, that for some time I had not 
 power to thank him. However, as soon as I 
 had recollected myself, I begged tho favour of 
 him to go with mo to tho ne.xt tavern, where 
 I explained tho nature of my disaster, and 
 convinced him of tho falsehood of what was 
 reported to my prejudice so effectually, that 
 he from that moment attached himself to mo, 
 and we lived iu groat harmony together, until 
 ho was obliged to go to sea, where ho perished 
 iu a storm. 
 
 ' Having lost my benefactor, and almost con- 
 sumed tho remains of his bounty, I saw 
 myself in danger of relapsing into my former 
 necessity, and began to bo very uneasy at the 
 prospect of bailiffs and jails ! when ono of tho 
 sisterhood advise<l ^no to take lodgings in a 
 part of the town where I was unknown, and 
 pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might 
 outran somebody to bo my husband, who 
 woula possibly bo able to allow mo a hand- 
 some maintenance, or at worst screen me 
 from tho dread and danger of a prison, by 
 becoming liable for whatever dcbti I should 
 contract. I approved of this scheme, towards 
 tho execution of which my companion clubbed 
 her wardrobe, and undertook to live with mo 
 in quality of my maid, with tho proviso that 
 she should be reimbursed, and handsomely 
 considered out of the profits of my success. 
 She was immediately detached to look out 
 for a convenient place, and that very day 
 hired a genteel apartment in Park l.treet, 
 whithor I moved in a coach loaded wi i hor 
 baggage, and my own. I made my fir. ; ap- 
 pearance in a blue riding habit trimmed 7ith 
 silver; and my maid acted her part so irt- 
 full^-, that in a day or two my fame ^ 'as 
 spread all over the neighbourhood, and I M as 
 said to be a rich heiress just arrived from t.'o 
 country. This report brought a swarm ( f 
 gay young fellows about me ; but I sooi' 
 found them to be all indigent adventurers 
 like myself, who crowded to me like crows to 
 a carrion, vfith a view of preying upon my 
 fortune. I maintained, however- the a*i)ear- 
 
60 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes 
 of guimng some admirer more for ray purpose, 
 and at length attracted the regard of one who 
 would have satisfied my wishes, and managed 
 matters so well, that a day was actually fixed 
 for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged 
 leave to introduce an intimate friend to me, 
 which request, as I could not refuse, I had 
 the extreme mortification and surprise to see, 
 next night, in that friend, my old keeper 
 Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he 
 changed colour, but had presence of mind to 
 advance and salute me, bidding me (with a 
 low voice) be under no apprehension, for he 
 would not expose me. In spite of his assurance, 
 I could not recover myself so far as to enter- 
 tain them, but withdrew to my chamber on 
 pretence of a severe headache, to the no small 
 concern of my adorer, who took his leave in 
 the tenderest manner, and went off with his 
 friend. 
 
 ' Having imparted my situation to my com- 
 panion, she found it high time for us to de- 
 camp, and that without any noise, because we 
 were not only indebted to our landlady, but 
 also to several tradesmen in the neighbour- 
 hood. Oar retreat, therefore, was concerted 
 and executed in this manner : Having packed 
 up all our clothes and moveables in small 
 parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials 
 for me) carried them at several times to the 
 house of an acquaintance, where she likewise 
 procured a lodging, to which we retired in the 
 middle of the night, when every other body 
 in the house was asleep. I was now obliged 
 to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread 
 my nets among tradespeople, but found them 
 all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and 
 attractions, till at last I became acquainted 
 with you, on whom I practised all my dex- 
 terity ; not that I believed you had any for- 
 tune, or expectation of one, but that I might 
 transfer the burden of such debts as I had in- 
 curred, or should contract, from myself to 
 another, and at the same time avenge myself 
 of your sex, by rendering miserable one who 
 bore such resemblance to the wretch who 
 ruined me ; but Heaven preserved you from 
 my snares by the discovery you made, which 
 was owing to the negligence of my maid in 
 leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she 
 went to buy sugar for breakfast. When I 
 found myself detected and forsaken by you, 
 I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell 
 two pair of stairs higher than before. My 
 companion, being disappointed in her expec- 
 tations, left me, and I had no other resource 
 than to venture forth, like the owls in the 
 dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfor- 
 able subsistence. I have often sauntered be- 
 tween Ludgate Hill and Charing Cross a whole 
 winter night, exposed not only to the incle- 
 mency of the weather, but likewise to the 
 rage of hunger and thirst, without being so 
 happy as to meet with one dupe ; then creep 
 up to my garret, in a deplorable draggled 
 condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my 
 
 appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I 
 lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling 
 home drunk, I frequently suffered the most 
 brutal treatment, in spite of which I was 
 obliged to affect gaiety and good-humour, 
 though my soul was stung with resentment 
 and disdain, and my heart loaded with grief 
 and affliction. In the course of these noctur- 
 nal adventures, I was infected with the dis- 
 ease, that in a short time rendered me the 
 object of my own abhorrence, and drove me 
 to the retreat where your benevolence rescued 
 me from the jaws of death.' 
 
 So much candour and good sense appeared 
 in this lady's narration, that I made no scruple 
 of believing every syllable of what she said, 
 and expressed my astonishment at the variety 
 of miseries she had undergone in so little 
 time, for all her misfortunes had happened 
 within the compass of two years ; I compared 
 her situation with my own, and found it a 
 thousand times more wretched. I had en- 
 dured hardships, 'tis true — my whole life had 
 been a series of such ; and when I looked for- 
 ward, the prospect was not much bettered, 
 but then they were become habitual to me, 
 and conseqviently I could bear them with less 
 difficulty. If one scheme of life should not 
 succeed, I could have recourse to another, 
 and so to a third, veering about to a thousand 
 different shifts, according to the emergencies 
 of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of 
 my character beyond a power of retrieving 
 it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice 
 and barbarity of the world. On the other 
 hand, she had known and relished the sweets 
 of prosperity, .she had been brought up under 
 the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the 
 delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled 
 her ; and without any extravagance of hope, 
 entertained herself with the view of uninter- 
 rupted happiness through the whole scene of 
 life. How fatal then, how tormenting, how 
 intolerable, must her reverse of fortune be ! 
 — a reverse, that not only robs her of these 
 external comforts, and plunges her into all 
 the miseries of want, but also murders her 
 peace of mind, and entails upon ner the curse 
 of eternal infamy ! Of all professions I pro- 
 nounced that of a courtesan the most deplor- 
 able, and her of all courtesans the most un- 
 happy. She allowed my observation to be 
 just in the main, but at the same time affirmed 
 that notwithstanding the disgraces which had 
 fallen to her share, she had not been so un- 
 lucky in the condition of a prostitute as many 
 others of the same community. ' I have often 
 seen,' said she, ' while I strolled about the 
 streets at midnight, a number of naked 
 wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled 
 together like swine, in the corner of a dark 
 alley, -some of whom, but eighteen months 
 before, I had known the favourites of the 
 town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all 
 the pomp of equipage and dress. Miserable 
 wretch that I am ! perhaps the same horrors 
 are decreed for me ! No ! ' cried she, after 
 
RODERICK RAND03r. 
 
 61 
 
 some pause, ' I shall never live to such extre- 
 mity of distress ; my own hand shall open a 
 way for my deliverance, before I arrive at 
 that forlorn period ! ' Her condition filled me 
 with sympathy and compassion : I revered 
 her qualifications, looked upon her as unfor- 
 tunate, not criminal ; and attended her with 
 such care and success, that in less than two 
 months her health, as well as my own, was 
 perfectly re-established. As we often con- 
 ferred upon our mutual affairs, and inter- 
 changred advice, a thousand different projects 
 were formed, which, upon further canvassing, 
 appeared impracticable. We would have 
 gladly gone to service, but who would take 
 us in without recommendation ? At length 
 an expedient occurred to her, of which she 
 intended to lay hold ; and this was, to pro- 
 cure with the first money she should earn, the 
 homely garb of a country wench, go to some 
 village at a good distance from town, and 
 come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for ser- 
 vice : by which means she might be provided 
 for, in a manner much more suitable to her 
 inclination than her present way of life. 
 
 ' CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 I am reduced to a great misery — assaulted on 
 Toiver Hill hy a press-gang, who put me on 
 board a tender — my usage there —my arrival 
 on board a man-of-war, where I am put in 
 irons, and released by the good offices of Mr. 
 
 ,' Thompson, who recommends me as assistant 
 to the surgeon — he relates his otvn story — 
 characters of the captain, surgeon, and first 
 
 i mate. 
 
 I APPLAUDED the resolution of Miss 
 Williams, who a few days after, was hired 
 in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies 
 who had witnessed in her behalf at the 
 Marshalsea, and who since that time had got 
 credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite 
 she was, to set up a convenient house of her 
 own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, 
 after having taken leave of me, with a tor- 
 rent of tears, and a thousand protestations of 
 eternal gratitude ; assuring me she would re- 
 main in this situation no longer than she could 
 pick up money sufficient to put her other de- 
 sign in execution. 
 
 As for my own part, I saw no resource but 
 the army or navy, between which I hesitated 
 so long that I found myself reduced to a 
 starving condition. My spirit began to ac- 
 commodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I 
 became so mean as to go down towards Wap- 
 ping, with an intention to inquire for an old 
 schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the 
 command of a small coasting vessel then in 
 the river, and implore his assistance. But 
 my destiny prevented this abject piece of be- 
 haviour ; for as I crossed Tower Wliarf, a 
 squat tawny fellow with a hanger by his side, 
 and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, call- 
 ing, ' Yo ho ! brother, you must coma along 
 
 with me.' As I did not like his appearance, 
 instead of answering his salutation, I quick- 
 ened my pace, in hope of cidding myself of 
 his company ; upon which he whistled aloud, 
 and immediately another sailor appeared be- 
 fore me, who laid hold of me by the collar, 
 and began to drag me along. Not being in. 
 a humour to relish such treatment, I disen- 
 gaged myself of the assailant, and, with one 
 blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the 
 ground ; and perceiving myself surrounded in 
 a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself 
 with such dexterity and success, that some of 
 my opponents were fain to attack me with 
 drawn cutlasses ; and after an obstinate en- 
 gagement, in which I received a large wound 
 on my head, and another on my left cheek, I 
 was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on 
 board a pressing tender, where, after being 
 pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down 
 into the hold among a parcel of miserable 
 wretches, the sight of whom well nigh dis- 
 tracted me. As the commanding officer had 
 not humanity enough to order my wounds to 
 be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, 
 I desired one of my fellow captives who was 
 unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my 
 pocket, and tie it roimd my head, to stop the 
 bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, 
 'tis true, but instead of applying it to the use 
 for which I designed it, went to the grating 
 of the hatchway, and, with astonishing com- 
 posure, sold it before my face to a bumboat 
 woman* then on board, for a quart of gin, 
 with which he treated his companions, re- 
 gardless of my circumstances and entreaties. 
 I complained bitterly of this robbery to the 
 midshipman on deck, telling him at the same 
 time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I 
 should bleed to death. But compassion was 
 a weakness of which no man could justly ac- 
 cuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful 
 of dissolved tobacco upon me through the 
 gratings, told me ' I was a miitinous dog, and 
 that I might die for anything he cared ! ' 
 Finding there was no other remedy, I ap- 
 pealed to patience, and laid up this usage, 
 in my memory, to be called at a more fitting 
 opportunity. In the meantime, loss of blood, 
 vexation, and want of food, contributed, with 
 the noisome stench of the place, to throw me 
 into a swoon, out of which I was recovered 
 by a tweak of the nose, administered by the 
 tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the 
 same time regaled me with a draught of flip, 
 and comforted me with the hopes of being 
 put on board of the Thunder next day, 
 where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and 
 cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no 
 sooner heard him name the Thunder, than 
 I asked if he had belonged to that ship long; 
 and he giving me to understand he had be- 
 longed to her five years, I inquired if he knew 
 Lieutenant Bowling ? ' Know Lieutenant 
 
 • A bumhoat woman is onp who soils bread, cheese, 
 greens, liquor, and fresh provisions to the sailors, in a 
 small boat that lies alongside the ship. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 Bowling ! ' said he, ' odds my life ! and that 
 I do ; and a good seaman he is as ever stepped 
 upon forecastle, and a brave fellow as ever 
 cracked biscuit — none of your Guinea pigs, 
 nor your fresh water, wish- washy, fair-wea- 
 ther fowls. Many a taugt gale of wind have 
 honest Tom Bowling and I weathered to- 
 gether. Here's his health, with all my heart : 
 wherever he is, a-loft or a-low, the lieutenant 
 needs not be ashamed to show himself.' I 
 was so much affected with this eulogium, 
 that I could not refrain from tellmg him that 
 I was Lieutenant Bowling's kinsman ; in con- 
 sequence of which connection, he expressed 
 an inclination to serve me,, and when he was 
 relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a 
 platter, and biscuit, on which we supped 
 plentifully, and afterwards drank another can 
 of flip together. While we were thus en- 
 gaged, he recounted a great many exploits of 
 my uncle, who, I found, was very much be- 
 loved by the ship's company, and pitied for 
 the misfortune that had happened to him in 
 Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be in- 
 formed was not so great as I imagined ; for 
 Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, 
 and actually at that time commanded the 
 ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my 
 uncle's letter, written from Port Louis, I gave 
 it my beiaefactor (whose name was Jack 
 Eattlin) for his periisal ; but honest Jack told 
 me frankly he could not read, and desired to 
 know the contents, which I immediately com- 
 municated. When he heard that part of ifc 
 in which he says he had written to his land- 
 lord in Deal, he cried, ' Body o' mo ! that was 
 old Ben Block ; he was dead before the letter 
 came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive. 
 Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occa- 
 sion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the 
 first man that taught him to hand, reef, and 
 steer. Well, well, we must all die, that's 
 certain — we must all come to port sooner or 
 later, at sea or on shore — we must be fast 
 moored one day : death's like the best bower 
 anchor, as the saying is — it will bring us all 
 up.' I could not but signify my approbation 
 of the justness of Jack's reflections, and in- 
 quired into the occasion of the quarrel be- 
 tween Captain Oakum and my uncle, which 
 he explained in this manner : ' Captain Oakum, 
 to be sure, is a good man enough — besides, 
 he's my commander ; but what's that to me F 
 I do my duty, and value no man's anger of a 
 rope's end. Now the report goes, as how he's 
 a lord, or baron knight's brother, whereby 
 (d'ye see me,) he carries a straight arm, and 
 keeps aloof from his officers, thof mayhap 
 they may be as good men in the main as he. 
 Now we lying at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieu- 
 tenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as 
 he always kept a good look out, he made (d'ye 
 see) three lights in the offing, whereby he ran 
 down to the great cabin for orders, and found 
 the captain asleep ; whereupon he waked him, 
 which put him in a main high passion, and he 
 swore woundi].y at the lieutenant, and called 
 
 him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for, I being 
 then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and 
 swab, and lubber, whereby the lieutenant re- 
 turned the salute, and they j awed together 
 fore and aft a good spell, till at last the cap- 
 tain turned out, and, laying hold of a rattan, 
 came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter : whereby 
 he told the captain that, if he was not his 
 commander, he would heave him overboard, 
 and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby 
 in the morning watch, the captain went ashore 
 in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant 
 carried the cutter ashore ; and so they, leaving 
 the boats' crews on their oars, went away to- 
 gether ; and so (d'ye see) in less than a quar- 
 ter of an hour we heard firing, whereby wo 
 made for the place, and found the captain 
 lying wounded on the beach, and so brought 
 him on board to the doctor, who cured him 
 in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant ] 
 clapped on all the sail he could bear, and had ; 
 got far enough ahead before we knew any- 
 thing of the matter ; so that we could never ' 
 after get sight of him, for which we were not 
 sorry, because the captain Avas mainly wrath, \ 
 and would certainly have done him a mis- 
 chief; for he afterwards caused him to be 
 run on the ship's books, whereby he lost all 
 his pay, and, if he should be taken, would be 
 tried as a deserter.' 
 
 This account of the captain's behaviour gave 
 me no advantageous idea of his character; 
 and I could not help lamenting my own fate, 
 that had subjected me to such a commander. 
 However, making a virtue of necessity, I put 
 a good face on the matter, and next daj% was, 
 with the other pressed men, put on board of 
 the ' Thunder,' lying at the Nore. When we 
 came alongside, the mate, who guarded us 
 thither, ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, 
 that I might get on board the easier ; this 
 circumstance being perceived by some of the 
 company who stood upon the gangboards 
 to see us enter, one of them called to Jack 
 Eattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly 
 office for me, ' Hey, Jack, what Newgate 
 galley have you boarded in the river as you 
 came along ? Have we not thieves enowamong 
 us already ? ' Another, observing my wounds, 
 which remained exposed to the air, told me, 
 xay seams were uncaulked, and that I must 
 be new payed. A third, seeing my hair 
 clotted together with blood, as it were into 
 distinct cords, took notice, that my bows 
 were manned with the red ropes, instead ot 
 my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not 
 keep my yards sqiiare without iron braces ? 
 And, in short, a thousand witticisms of the 
 same nature were passed upon me before I 
 could get up the ship's side. 
 
 After we had been all entered upon the 
 ship's books, I inquired of one of my ship- 
 mates where the surgeon was, that I might 
 have my wounds dressed, and had actually 
 got as far as the middle deck (for our ship 
 carried eighty guns), in my way to the cock- 
 pit, when I was met by the game rnidshipman 
 
BOBERICK RANDOM. 
 
 63 
 
 •frho liaA used 016 so barbarously in the tender : 
 he, seeing me free from my chains, asked, 
 ■with an insolent air, who had released me ? 
 To this question, I foolishly answered, with a 
 countenance that too plainly declared the 
 state of my thoughts, ' Whoever did it, I am 
 persuaded did not consult you in the affair.' 
 I had no sooner uttered these words, than he 
 cried, ' Damn you, you saucy son of a bitch, 
 I'll teach you to talk so to your officer.' So 
 saying, he bestowed on me several severe 
 stripes, with a supple jack he had in his 
 hand : and, going to the commanding officer, 
 made such a report of me, that I was imme- 
 diately put in irons by the master-at-arms, 
 and a sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, 
 as soon as he heard of my condition, came to 
 me, and administered aU the consolation he 
 could, and then went to the surgeon in my 
 behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress 
 my wounds. This mate was no other than 
 my old friend Thompson, with whom I became 
 acquainted at the Navy Office, as before 
 mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, 
 it was not easy for him to recognise me, dis- 
 figiired -with blood and dirt, and altered by 
 the misery I had undergone. Unknown as I 
 was to him, he surveyed me with looks of 
 compassion, and handled my sores with great 
 tenderness. When he had applied what he 
 thought proper, and was about to leave me, 
 I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised 
 me so much that he could not recollect my 
 face ? Upon this address he observed me 
 with great earnestness for some time, and at 
 length protested he could not recollect one 
 feature of my countenance. To keep him no 
 longer in suspense, I told him my name, 
 which when he heard, he embraced me \s ith 
 affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing 
 me in such a disagreeable situation. I made 
 him acquainted with my story, and, when he 
 heard how inhumanly I had been used in the 
 tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I 
 should see him again soon. I had scarce time 
 to wonder at his sudden departiire, when the 
 master-at-arms came to the place of my con- 
 finement, and bade me follow him to the 
 quarter-deck, where I was examined by the 
 first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in 
 the absence of the captain, touching the 
 treatment I had received in the tender from 
 my friend the midshipman, who was present 
 to confront me. 
 
 I recounted the particulars of his behaviour 
 to me, not only in the tender, but since my 
 being on board the ship, part of which being 
 proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and 
 others, who had no great devotion for my 
 oppressor, I was discharged from confine- 
 ment, to make way for him, who was delivered 
 to the master-at-arms to take his turn in the 
 bilboes. And this was not the only satis- 
 faction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of 
 the surgeon, exempted from all other duty 
 than that of assisting his mates, in making 
 and administerins: medicines to the sick. This 
 
 good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. 
 Thompson, who had represented me in such a 
 favourable light to the surgeon, that he de- 
 manded me of the lieutenant to supply the 
 place of his third mate, who was lately dead. 
 \Vhen I had obtained this favour, my friend 
 Thompson carried me down to the cockpit, 
 which is the place allotted for the habitation 
 of the surgeon's mates ; and when he had 
 shown me their berth (as he called it), I was 
 fiUed with astonishment and horror. We de- 
 scended by divers ladders to a space as dark 
 as a dungeon, which, I understood, was im- 
 mersed several feet under water, being im- 
 mediately above the hold. I had no sooner 
 approached this dismal gulph, than my nose 
 was saluted with an intolerable stench of 
 putrified cheese and rancid butter, that issued 
 from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, 
 resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the 
 faint glimmering of a candle, I could perceive 
 a man with a pale, meagre countenance, 
 sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles 
 on his nose, and a pen in his hand. This (I 
 learned of Mr. Thompson) was the ship's 
 steward, who sat there to distribute pro- 
 vision to the several messes, and to mark 
 what each received. He therefore presented 
 my name to him, and desired I might be 
 entered in his mess ; then, taking a light in 
 his hand, conducted me to the place of his 
 residence, which was a square of about six 
 feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest, 
 that of the firstmate, his own, and a board by 
 way of table fastened to the after powder 
 room ; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed 
 round to the beams of the ship, to screen us 
 from the cold, as well as from the view of the 
 midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged 
 within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In 
 this gloomy mansion he entertained me with 
 some cold salt pork, which he brought from a 
 sort of locker, fixed above the table : and 
 calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can 
 of beer, of which he made excellent flip to 
 crown the banquet. 
 
 By this time I began to recover my spirits, 
 which had been exceedingly depressed with 
 the appearance of everything about me, and 
 could no longer refrain from asking the par- 
 ticulars of Mr. Thompson's fortune since I 
 had seen him in London. He told me, that 
 being disappointed in his expectations of bor- 
 rowing money to gratify the rapacious 
 s — t — ry at the Navy Office, he found himself 
 utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, 
 and had actually offered his service, in quality 
 of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant ship, 
 bound to Guinea on the slaving trade ; when, 
 one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had 
 some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and 
 informed him that he had seen a waiyant 
 made out in his name at the Navy Office, for 
 surgeon's second mate of a third-rate. This 
 unexpected piece of good news he could 
 scarcely believe to be true, more especially as 
 he had been found dualified at Surgeons' Hall 
 
C4 
 
 RODSniCK RANDOM. 
 
 for third mate only ; but that he might not 
 be wanting to himself, he went thither to be 
 assured, and actually found it so : where- 
 upon, demanding his warrant, itwas delivered 
 to him, and the oaths administered imme- 
 diately. That very afternoon he went to 
 Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he 
 took place in the tide-coach for Rochester ; 
 n3'.it morning got on board the ' Thunder,' 
 foL" which he was appointed, then lying in the 
 harbour at Chatham ; and the same day was 
 mustered by the clerk of the checque. And 
 well it was for him that such expedition was 
 used ; for, in less than twelve hours after his 
 arrival, another William Thompson came on 
 board, affirming that he was the person for 
 whom the warrant was expedited, and that 
 the other was an impostor. 
 
 My friend was grievously alarmed at this 
 accident, the more so, as his namesake had 
 very much the advantage over him both in 
 assurance and dress. However, to acquit 
 himself of the suspicion of imposture, he 
 produced several letters written from Scot- 
 land to him in that name, and, recollecting 
 that his indentures were in a box on board, 
 he brought thepi up, and convinced all pre- 
 sent that he had not assumed a name which 
 did not belong to him. His competitor, en- 
 raged that they should hesitate in doing him 
 justice, (for to be sure the warrant had been 
 designed for him), behaved with so much in- 
 decent heat, that the commanding officer 
 (who was the same gentleman I had seen) 
 and the surgeon were oifended at his pre- 
 sumption, and making a point of it with their 
 friends in town, in less than a week got the 
 first confirmed in his station. ' I have been 
 on board,' said he, ' ever since ; and, as this 
 way of life is becoming familiar to me, have 
 no cause to complain of my situation. The 
 surgeon is a good-natured, indolent man ; the 
 first mate (who is now on shore on duty) is 
 indeed a little proud and choleric, as all 
 Welshmen are, but in the main a fiiendly 
 honest fellow. The lieutenants I have no 
 concern with ; and, as for the captain, he is 
 too much of a gentleman to know a sur- 
 geon's mate, even by sight. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 The hehav^o^lr of Mr. Morgan — his pride, dis- 
 pleasure, and generosity — the economy of 
 our mess described — Tiiompson's further 
 friendship — the nature of my duty explained 
 — the situation of the sick. 
 
 WHILE he was thus discoursing to me, 
 we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder 
 pronounce with great vehemence, in a 
 strange dialect, ' The devil and his dam blow 
 me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to 
 him before there is something in my peUy : 
 let his nose be as yellow ai satTron, or as plue 
 as a pell (loak you), or as gx'eeu as a leek, 'tis 
 all one.' To this declaration somebody an- 
 
 swered, ' So it seems my poor messmate must 
 part his cable for want of a little assistance. 
 His foretopsail is loose already ; and besides 
 the doctor ordered you to overhaul him ; — 
 but I see you don't mind what your master 
 says.' Here he was interrupted with, 'Splut- 
 ter and oons ! you lousy tog, who do you call 
 my master ? Get you gone to the doctor, and 
 tell him my birth, and education, and my abi- 
 lities ; and moreover, my behaviour is as 
 good as his, or any shontleman's (no dispa- 
 ragement to him,) in the whole world. Cot 
 pless my soul ! does he think, or conceive, or 
 imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a 
 goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and 
 upwards and downwards, and by sea and by 
 land, at his will and pleasure ? Go your 
 ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins 
 that I desire and request that he will give a 
 look upon the tying man, and order something 
 for him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see 
 him take it by and by, when my craving sto- 
 mach is satisfied, look you.' At this, the 
 other went away, saying, ' that if they should 
 serve him so when he was dying, by God he 
 would be foul of them in the other world.' 
 Here Mr. Thompson let me know, that the 
 person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first 
 mate, who was just come on board from the 
 hospital, whither he had attended some of the 
 sick in the morning ; at the same time I saw 
 him come into the berth. He was a short 
 thick man, with a flice garnished with pim- 
 ples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an 
 excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, 
 surrounded with skin puckered up in innu- 
 merable wrinkles. My friend immediately J 
 made him acquainted with my case; when he 1 
 regarded me with a very lofty look, but with- 
 out speaking, set down a bundle he had in his 
 hand, and approached the cupboard, which, 
 when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great 
 passion, ' Cot is my life, all the pork is gone, 
 as I am a Christian ! ' Thompson then gave 
 him to urderstaud, that, as I had been 
 brought on board half famished, he could 
 do no less than to entertain me with what 
 was in the locker, and the rather as he 
 had bid the steward enter me in the 
 mess. Whether this disapijointment made 
 Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or 
 he really thought himself too little regarded 
 by his fellow mate, I know not, but after 
 some pause, he went on in this manner: 
 ' Mr. "Thompson, perhaps you do not use me 
 with all the good manners, and complaisance, 
 and respect (look you,) that becomes you, 
 because you have not vouchsafed to advise 
 with me in this affair. I have in my time 
 (look you,) been a man of some weight, and 
 substance, and consideration, and have kept 
 house and home, and paid scot and lot, and 
 the king's taxes ; ay, and maintained a 
 family to boot. And moreover, also, I am 
 your senior, and your older, and your potter, ^ 
 Mr. Thompson.' ^' My elder, I'll allow you to i 
 be, but not my better!' cried Thompson, withj 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 soniG heat. ' Cot is my Saviour, and witness 
 too,' said Morgan, with great vehemence, 
 ' that I am more elder, and therefore more 
 petter by many years than you.' Fearing 
 this dispute might be attended with some bad 
 consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Mor- 
 gan I was very sorry for having been the 
 occasion of any difference between him and 
 the second mate ; and that, rather than cause 
 the least breach in their good understanding, 
 I would eat my allowance to myself, or seek 
 admission into some other company. But 
 Thompson, with more spirit than discretion 
 I (as I thought), insisted upon my remaining 
 where he had appointed me; and observed 
 that no man, possessed of generosity and 
 compassion, would have any objection to 
 it, considering my birth and talents, and 
 the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly 
 undergone. 
 
 This was touching Mr. Morgan on the 
 ' right key, who protested with great earnest- 
 i ness, that he had no objection to my being 
 i received in the mess ; but only complained 
 that the ceremony of asking his consent was 
 not observed. ' As for a sheltenman in 
 ' distress,' said he, shaking me by the hand, 'I 
 lofe him as I lofe my own powels : for, Cot 
 i help me ! I have had vexations enough upon 
 ; my own pack.' And as I afterwards learned, 
 : in so saying, he spoke no more than what was 
 : true ; for he had been once settled in a very 
 I good situation in Glamorganshire, and was 
 ' mined by being security for an acquaintance. 
 All differences being composed, he untied his 
 bundle, which consisted of three bunches of 
 I onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese, 
 I wrap j)cd up in a handkerchief : and, taking 
 I some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with 
 I a keen aj)petite, inviting us to share of the 
 repast. When he had fed heartily on his 
 ' homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a 
 cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and, drinking it 
 ' off, told us, ' Prandy was the best menstruum 
 for onions and sheese.' His hunger being 
 appeased, he began to be in better humour ; 
 and, being inquisitive about my birth, no 
 sooner understood that I was descended of a 
 good family, than he discovered a particular 
 good-will to me on that account, deducing 
 his own pedigree in a direct line from the 
 famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who 
 was first the prisoner, and afterwards the 
 friend of Claudius CiBsar. Perceiving how 
 much I was reduced in point of linen, he 
 made me a present of two good ruffied shirts, 
 which, with two more of check which I re- 
 ceived from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to 
 appear with decency. 
 
 Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan 
 had sent to the doctor, brought a prescription 
 for his messmate, which when the Welshman 
 had read, he got xip to prepare it, and asked, 
 'if the man was dead or alive.' 'Dead!' 
 replied Jack ; ' if he was dead, he would have 
 no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, thank 
 God, death han't as yet boarded him, but 
 
 D 
 
 they have been yard-arm and yard-arm these 
 three glasses.' ' Are his eyes open ?' con- 
 tinued the mate. ' His starboard eye,' said 
 the sailor, ' is open, but fast jammed in his 
 head : and the haulyards of his under jaw 
 have given way.' ' Passion of my heart !' 
 cried Morgan, ' the man is as pad as one 
 would desire to be ! Did you feel his pulses !' 
 To this the other replied with 'Aiai!' 
 Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great 
 earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to 
 run to his messmate, and keep him alive till 
 he should come with the medicine, ' and 
 then,' said he, 'you shall peradventure pe- 
 hold what you shall see.' 
 
 The poor fell»w, with great simplicity, ran 
 to the place where the sick man lay, but in 
 less than a minute returned with a woful 
 countenance, and told us his comrade had 
 struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, 
 ' Mercy upon my salvation ! why did you not 
 stop him till I came ?' ' Stop him !' said the 
 other ; ' I hailed him several times, but he 
 was too far on his way, and the enemy had 
 got possession of his close quarters ; so that 
 he did not mind me.' ' Well, well,' said he, 
 ' we all owe heaven a teath. Go j'our ways, 
 you ragamuffin, and take an example and a 
 warning, look j-^ou, and repent of your mis- 
 teets.' So saying, he pushed the seaman out 
 of the berth. 
 
 While he entertained us with reflections 
 suitable to this event, we heard the boatswain 
 jjipe to dinner ; and immediately the boy be- 
 longing to our mess ran to the locker, from 
 whence he carried off a large wooden platter, 
 and, in a few minutes, returned with it full 
 of boiled peas, crying ' Sealdings ' all the 
 way as he came. "The cloth, consisting of a 
 piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered 
 with three plates, which by the colour I could 
 with difficulty discern to be metal, and as 
 many spoons of the same composition, two 
 of which were curtailed in the handles, and 
 the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan 
 himself enriched this mess with a lump of 
 salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and 
 a handful of onions shorn, with some 
 pounded pepper. I was not very much 
 tempted with the appearance of this dish, of 
 which, nevertheless, my messmates ate hear- 
 tily, advising me to follow their example, as 
 it was banyan day, and we could have no 
 meat till next noon. But I had already laid 
 in sufficient for the occasion, and therefore 
 desired to be excused : expressing a curiosity 
 to know the meaning of banyan day. They 
 told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and 
 Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance 
 of meat, and that these meagre days were 
 called banyan days, the reason of which they 
 did not know ; but I have since learned they 
 take their denomination from a sect of devo- 
 tees in some parts of the East Indies, who 
 never taste flesh. 
 
 After dinner Thompson led me round the 
 ship, showed me the different parts, described 
 
66 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 their uses, and, as far as he could, made me 
 acquainted with the particulars of the disci- 
 pline and economy practised on board. He 
 then demanded of the boatswain a hammock 
 for me, which was shmgin avcry neat manner 
 by my friend Jack Kattlin ; and, as I had no 
 bed-clothes, procured credit for me with the 
 jnirser, for a mattress and two blankets. At 
 seven o'clock in the evening Morgan visited 
 the sick, and, having ordered what was proper 
 for each, I assisted Thompson in making up 
 his prescriptions : but when I followed him 
 with the medicines into the sick berth, or 
 hospital, and observed the situation of 
 the patients, I was much less surprised 
 that people should die on board, than that 
 any sick person should recover. Here I saw 
 about fifty miserable distempered wretches, 
 suspended in rows, so huddled one upon an- 
 other, that not more than fourteon inches 
 ppace Avas allotted for each with his bed and 
 bedding ; and deprived of the light of the day, 
 as weU as of fresh air ; breathing nothing but 
 a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams 
 exhaling from their own excrements and dis- 
 eased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched 
 in the filth that surrounded them, and desti- 
 tute of every convenience necessary for people 
 in that helpless condition. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 A disagreeable accident happens to me in the 
 discharge of my office — Morgan's nose is 
 offended — a dialogue between hhn a7id the 
 Ship's steward — upon examination, I find 
 more causes of complaint than one — my liair 
 is cut off — Morgan's cookery — the manner of 
 sleeping on board — I am xvaked in the night 
 by a dreadful noise, 
 
 I COULD not comprehend how it was pos- 
 sible for the attendants to come near 
 those who himg on the inside towards the 
 sides of the ship, in order to assist them, as 
 they seemed barricadowi by those who lay on 
 tlie outside, and entirely out of the reach of 
 all visitation ; much less could I conceive how 
 my friend Thompson would be able to admi- 
 nister clysters, that were ordered for some, in 
 that situation ; when I saw him thrust his wig 
 in his pocket, and strip himself to his waist- 
 coat in a moment, then creep on all fours 
 imder the hammocks of the sick, and, forcing 
 up his bare pate between two, keep them 
 asunder with one shoulder, until he had done 
 his duty. Eager to learn the service, I de- 
 sired he wovdd give me leave to perform the 
 next operation of that kind ; and he con- 
 senting, I imdressed myself after his example, 
 and crawling along, the ship happened to roll : 
 this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the 
 first thing that came within my grasp with 
 such violence, that I overturned it, and soon 
 found, by the smell that issued upon me, 
 I had unlocked a box of the most delicious 
 perfume. It was well for mo that my nose 
 
 was none of the most delicate, else I know not 
 how I might have been affected by this vapour, 
 which diffused itself all over the ship, to the 
 utter discomposure of everybody who tarried 
 on the same deck ! neither was the conse- 
 quence of this disgrace confined to my sense 
 of smelling only; for I felt my misfortune 
 more Avays than one. That I might not, how- 
 ever, appear altogether disconcerted in this 
 my first essay, I got up, and, pushing my head 
 with gi-eat force between two hammocks, 
 towards the middle, where the greatest resis- 
 tance was, I made an opening indeed, but. not 
 understanding the knack of dexterously turn- 
 ing my shoulder to maintain my advantage, 
 had the mortification to find myself stuck up, 
 as it were, in a pillory, and the weight of 
 three or four people bearing on each side of 
 my neck, so that I was in danger of strangu- 
 lation. While I remained in this defenceless 
 posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish 
 by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell 
 I had occasioned, and the rude shook he had 
 received from me in my elevation, that, with 
 many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the 
 nose, wliich he tweaked so unmercifully, that 
 I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving 
 my condition, ordered one of the Avaiters to 
 my assistance, Avho,Avith much difficulty, dis- 
 engaged mo from this situation, and hindered 
 me from taking vengeance on the sick man, 
 whose indisposition Avould not have screened 
 him from the effects of my indignation. 
 
 After having made an end of our ministry 
 for that time, we descended to the cockpit, 
 my friend comforting mo for what had hap- 
 pened Avith a homely proverb, Avliich I do not 
 choose to repeat. AVheu Ave had descended i 
 half-Avay doAvn the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before 1 
 ho saw us, Iiaving intelligence by his nose of 
 the approach of somethingextraordinai-y, cried, 
 ' Cot have mercy upon my senses ! I pelicA'e 
 the eftemy has poarded us in a stinkpot ! ' 
 Then, directing his discourse to the steward, 
 from Avhence ho imagined the odour pro- 
 ceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the 
 freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, 
 and threatened to smoke him like a padger 
 with sulphur, if ever he should presume to 
 offend his neighbours Avith such smells for 
 the future. The stcAvard, conscious of his 
 own innocence, replied with some Avarmth, 
 ' I know of no smells but those of your oAvn 
 making.' This repartee introduced a smart 
 dialogue, in Avhich the Welshman undertook 
 to prove, that, though the stench he com- 
 plained of did not floAV from the steward's 
 own body, he was nevertheless the author of 
 it, by serAring out damaged provisions to tho 
 ship's company ; and, in particidar, putrified 
 cheese, from the use of Avhich only, he 
 affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. 
 Then he launched out into tho praiso of good 
 cheese, of which he gave the analysis ; ex- 
 plained the different kinds of that commodity, 
 Avith the methods practised to make and pre- 
 serve it ; and concluded with observing, that, 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 C7 
 
 in yieldincf pood cheese, the county of Gla- 
 morgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and 
 was mncli superior to it in tho produce of 
 goats and putter. 
 
 I gathered from this conversation, that, if 
 I entered in my present pickle, I should be 
 no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. 
 Thompson to go before, and represent my 
 calamity ; at which the first mate, expressing 
 some concern, went upon deck immediately, 
 taking his way through the cable-tier and by 
 the main hatchway, to avoid encountering 
 me ; desiring me to clean myself as soon as 
 possible : for he intended to regale himself 
 with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Ac- 
 cordingly, I set about this disagreeable busi- 
 ness, and soon found I had more causes of 
 complaint than I at first imagined ; for I 
 perceived some guests had honoured me with 
 their company, whose visit I did not think 
 seasonable : neither did they seem inclined to 
 leave me in a hurry, for they were in pos- 
 session of my chief quarters, where they fed 
 without reserve at the expense of my blood. 
 But, considering it would bo easier to extir- 
 pate the ferocious colony in the infancy of 
 their settlement, than after they should be 
 multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took 
 the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such 
 misfortunes, went always close shaved, and 
 made the boy of our mess cut off my hau% 
 which had been gromng since I left tho ser- 
 vice of Lavement ; and the second mate lent 
 me an old bobwig to supply the loss of that 
 covering. This affair being ended, and everj'- 
 thing adjusted in the best manner my circum- 
 stancJes would permit, tho descendant of 
 Caractacus returned, and, ordering the boy 
 to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, 
 cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal 
 quantity of onions, whicji seasoning with a 
 moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he 
 brought it to a consistence with oil and 
 vinegar ; then, tasting the dish, assured us 
 it was the best salmaguudy that ever he 
 made, and recommended it to our palate with 
 such heartiness that I could not help doing 
 honour to liis preparation. But I had no 
 sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought 
 my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured 
 with a deluge of small-beer to allay the heat 
 it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan 
 having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied 
 the moisture he had expended with as many 
 cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain 
 yawning began to admonish me that it was 
 high time to repair by sleep the injury I had 
 suffered from want of rest the preceding 
 night ; which being perceived by my com- 
 panions, whose time of repose was now 
 arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or 
 in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, 
 which hung parallel to one another, on the 
 outside of the berth, were immediately un- 
 lashed, and I beheld my messmates spring 
 with groat agility into their respective nests, 
 where they seemed to lijo concealed, very much 
 
 at their ease. But it was some time before 
 I could prevail upon myself to trust my car- 
 case at such a distance from tho ground, in v.. 
 narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should 
 be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to 
 tumble down at the hazard of breaking my 
 bones. I suffered myself, however, to be 
 persuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw 
 myself quite over, with such violence, that 
 had I not luckily got hold of Thompson's 
 hammock, I should have pitched upon my 
 head on the other side, and in all likelihood 
 fractured my skull. 
 
 After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at 
 last ; but the apprehension of the jeopardy in 
 which I believed myself withstood all tho 
 attacks of sleep till towards the morning- 
 watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was over- 
 powered with slumber, though I did not long 
 enjoy this comfortable situation ; being 
 aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that 
 I thought the drums of my ears were burst by 
 it ; this was followed by a dreadful summons 
 pronounced by a hoarse voise, which I could 
 not understand. While I was debating with 
 myself, whether or not I should wake my 
 companion, and inquire into the occasion of 
 this disturbance, I was informed by one of 
 the quartermasters who passed by me with a 
 lantern in his hand, that the noise which 
 alarmed me was occasioned by tho boatswain's 
 mates who called up the larboard watch, and 
 that I must lay my account with such inter- 
 ruption every morning at the same hour. 
 Being now more assured of my safety, I ad- 
 dressed myself again to rest, and slept till 
 eight o'clock, when rising, and breakfasting 
 with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, tho 
 sick were visited and assisted as before; 
 after which visitation my good friend Thomp- 
 son explained and performed another piece of 
 duty, to which I was a stranger. At a certain 
 hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went 
 round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, 
 and, in rhymes composed for the occasion, 
 in-^'ited all those who had sores to repair beforo 
 the mast, where one of the doctor's mates 
 attended, with applications to dress them. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 I acquire the friendship of tlie Sttrgeon, who 
 jirocures a warrant for me, and malces me a 
 present of clotlies — a battle between a Mid- 
 shiinnaii and me — the Surgeon leaves the 
 ship — the Captain comes on board with 
 another Surgeon — a dialogue between the 
 Captain and Morgan — the sick are ordered 
 to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and 
 exoAnined — tJie consequences of that order — 
 a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at 
 liberty by command of the Captain, whom 
 he iTistantly attacks, and pummels witlwut 
 mercy, 
 
 WHILE I was busied with my friend in 
 this practice, the doctor chanced to pass 
 by the place where we were, and stopping to 
 
68 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 observe me, appeared very vcell satisfied with 
 my method of application ; and afterwards sent 
 for me to his cabin, where, having examined 
 me touching my skill in surgery, and the par- 
 ticulars of my fortune, he intei'ested himself 
 so far in my behalf, as to promise his assist- 
 ance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I 
 had been already found qualified at Surgeons' 
 Hall for the station I filled on board ; and in 
 this good office he the more cordially engaged 
 when he understood I was nephew to Lieu- 
 tenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a 
 particular regard. In the meantime, I could 
 learn from his discourse, that he did not in- 
 tand to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, 
 having, as he thought, been indifferently 
 used by him during the last voyage. 
 
 While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation 
 of preferment, I was not altogether without 
 mortifications, which I not only sufi'ered from 
 the rude insults of the sailors and potty offi- 
 cers, among whom I was known by the name 
 of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition 
 of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, 
 was often very troublesome ■with his pride, 
 which expected a good deal of submission 
 from me, and delighted in recapitulating the 
 favours I had received at his hands. 
 
 About six weeks after my arrival on board, 
 the surgeon, bidding mo follow him into his 
 cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I 
 was appointed surgeon's third mate on board 
 the Thunder. This he had procured by his 
 interest at the Navy Office ; as also another 
 for himself, by virtue of which he was re- 
 moved into a second-rate. I acknowledged 
 his kindness in the strongest terms my grati- 
 tude could suggest, and professed my sorrow 
 at the prospect of losing so valuable a friend, 
 to whom I hoped to have Tecommended my- 
 self still further, by my respectful and diligent 
 behaviour. But his generosity rested not 
 here ; for before he left the ship he made me 
 a pi'csent of a chest and some clothes, that 
 enabled me to support the rank to which he 
 had raised me. 
 
 I found my spirit revive with my good 
 fortune ; and, now I was an officer, resolved 
 to maintain the dignity of my station, against 
 all opposition or affronts; nor was it long 
 before I had occasion to exert my resolution. 
 My old enemy, the midshipman (whose name 
 was Cramploy), entertaining an implacable 
 animosity against me, for the disgrace he had 
 suffered on my account, had since that time 
 taken all ofiportunities of reviling and ridi- 
 culing me, when I was not entitled to retort 
 this bad usage ; and, even after I had been 
 rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon's 
 mate, did not think fit to restrain his inso- 
 lence. In particular, being one day present 
 while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he 
 began to sing a song, which I thought highly 
 injurious to the honour of my country, and 
 therefore sigidfied my resentment, by observ- 
 ing, that the Scots always laid their account 
 with finding enemies amongf the ignorant, in- 
 
 significant, and malicious. This unexpected 
 piece of assurance enraged him to such a 
 degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, 
 which I verily thought had demolished my 
 cheek-bone. I was not slow in returning the 
 obligation, and the affair began to be very 
 serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and 
 one of the master's mates, coming that way, 
 interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, en- 
 deavoured to promote a reconciliation ; but, 
 finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, 
 and bent against accommodation, they ad- 
 vised us either to leave our dift'erence unde- 
 cided, till we should have an opportunity of 
 terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or 
 else choose a proper place on board, and 
 bring it to an issue by boxing. The last ex- 
 pedient was greedily embraced by us both ; 
 and, being forthwith conducted to the ground 
 proposed, we stripped in a moment, and be- 
 gan a furious contest, in which I soon found 
 myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much 
 in strength and agility, as in skill, which he 
 had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the- 
 Hole at Tottenham-court. Many cross but- 
 tocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach 
 without number, till at last, my breath being 
 quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I 
 grow desperate, and collecting all my strength 
 in one eiibrt, threw in at once, head, hands, 
 and feet, with such violence, that I drove my 
 antagonist three paces backward into the 
 main hatchway, down which he fell, and 
 pitching upon his head and right shoulder, 
 remained without sense and motion. Morgan, 
 looking do^vn, and seeing him lie in that con- 
 dition, cried, ' Upon my conscience, as 
 I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I 
 believe his patties are all ofer ; but I take 
 you all to witness that there was no 
 treachery in the case, and that ho has 
 suffered by tho chance of war.' So saying 
 he descended to the deck below, to ex- 
 amine into the situation of my adversary, 
 and left mo very little pleased with my vic- 
 tory, as I found myself not only terribly 
 bruised, but likewise in danger of being called 
 to account for the death of Crauipley ; but 
 this fear vanished when my fellow-mate hav- 
 ing, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought 
 him to himself, and inquired into the state of 
 his body, called up to me to be under no con- 
 cern, for tho midshipman had received no 
 other damage than as pretty a luxation of the 
 OS humeri as one woiild desire to see on a 
 summer's day. Upon this information I 
 crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted 
 Thompson with the affair, who, providing 
 himself with bandages, &c., necessary for the 
 occasion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the 
 reduction of the dislocation. When this was 
 successfully performed, they wished me joy 
 of the event of the combat ; and the Welsh- 
 man, after observing, that, in all likelihood, 
 tho ancient Scots and Britons were the same 
 people, bade me ' praise Cot for putting mottle 
 m my pelly, and strength in my limbs to sup- 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 port it.' I acquired such reputation by this 
 rencontre, which lasted twenty minutes, that 
 everybody became more cautious in behaviour 
 towards me ; thougli Crampley, with his arm 
 in a sling, talked very high, and threatened 
 to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on 
 shore the honour he had lost by an accident, 
 from which I could justly claim no merit. 
 
 About this time, Captain Oakum, ha\Tng 
 received sailing orders, came on board, and 
 brought along with him a surgeon of his own 
 country, who soon made us sensible of the loss 
 we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; 
 for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably 
 assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving ; 
 a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject 
 sycophant to those above him. In the morn- 
 ing after the captain came on board, our first 
 mate, according to custom, went to wait on 
 him with a sick list, which, when this grim 
 commander had perused, he cried with a stem 
 countenance, ' Blood and oons ! sixty-one sick 
 people on board of my ship ! Harkee, you sir, 
 I'll have no sick in my ship, by G — d.' The 
 Welshman replied, ' he should be very glad to 
 find no sick people on board : but, while it 
 was otherwise,, he did no more than his duty 
 in presenting him with a list.' ' You and 
 your list may be d — n'd,' said the captain, 
 throwing it at him ; ' I say, there shall be no 
 Bick in this ship while I have the command 
 of her.' Mr. Morgan, being nettled at this 
 treatment, told him his indignation ought to 
 be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his 
 people with distempers, and not to him, who 
 contributed all in his power towards their 
 cure. The bashaw, not being used to such 
 behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged 
 to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, 
 stamping •with his foot, called him insolent 
 scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned 
 to the deck, if he should presume to utter 
 another syllable. But the blood of Carac- 
 tacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to 
 be restricted by such a command, and began 
 to manifest itself in, ' Captain Oakum, I am 
 a shentlcman of birth and parentage (look 
 you), and peradventure I am moreover ' — 
 Here his harangue was broken off by the 
 captain's steward, who, being Morgan's 
 countryman, hurried him out of the cabin 
 before he had time to exasperate his master 
 to a greater degree ; and this would certainly 
 have been the case ; for the indignant Welsh- 
 man could hardly be hindered by his friend's 
 arguments and entreaties from re-entering the 
 presence-chamber, and defjang Captain Oakum 
 to his teeth. He was, however appeased at 
 length, and came down to the berth, where, 
 finding Thompson and me at work preparing 
 medicines, he bade us leave off our lapour to 
 go to play, for the captain, by his sole word, 
 and power, and command, had driven sick- 
 ness a pegging to the tevil, and there was no 
 more malady on board. So saying, he drank 
 off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three 
 times, poured forth an ejaculation of ' Cot 
 
 pless my heart, liver, and lungs ! ' and then 
 began to sing a Welsh song with great earnest- 
 ness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could 
 not conceive the meaning of this singular 
 phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thomp- 
 son, who at the same time shook his head, 
 that he suspected poor Cadwallader's brains 
 were unsettled. He, perceiving our amaze- 
 ment, told us he would explain the mystery ; 
 but at the same time bade us take notice, 
 that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, 
 and widower, almost forty years, and in all 
 that_ time there was no man, nor mother's 
 son in the whole world who durst use him so 
 ill as Captain Oakum had done. Then he 
 acquainted us with the dialogue that passed 
 between them, as I have already related it ; 
 and had no sooner finished this narration than 
 he received a message from the surgeon, to 
 bring the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the 
 captain had ordered all the patients thither 
 to be reviewed. 
 
 This inhuman order shocked us extremely, 
 as we knew it would be impossible to carry 
 some of them on the deck, without imminent 
 danger of their lives : but, as we lilcewise knew 
 it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate 
 against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in 
 a body, to see this extraordinary muster ; 
 Morgan observing by the way, that the cap- 
 tain was going to send to the other world a 
 great maiay evidences to testify against him- 
 self. When we appeared upon deck, the cap- 
 tain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at 
 his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly 
 eons of bitches, who were good for nothing 
 on board but to eat the king's provision, and. 
 encourage idleness in the skulkers. The sur- 
 geon grinned approbation, and, taking the 
 list, began to examine the complaints of each 
 as they could crawl to the place appointed. 
 The first who came under his cognizance was 
 a peer fellow just freed of a fever, which had 
 weakened him so much that ho could hardly 
 stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the 
 doctor's name), having felt his pulse, pro- 
 tested he was as well as any man in the world ; 
 and the captain delivered him over to the 
 boatswain's mate, with orders that he should 
 receive a round dozen at the gangway imme- 
 diately, for counterfeiting himself sick ; but, 
 before the discipline could be executed, t^e 
 man dropped down on the deck, and had well 
 nigh perished under the hands of the execu- 
 tioner. The next patient to bo considered, 
 laboured under a quartan ague, and, being 
 then in his interval of health, discovered no 
 other symptoms of distemper t'nan a pale 
 meagre countenance and emaciated body; 
 upon which he was declared fit for duty, and 
 turned over to the boatswain ; but, being re- 
 solved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the 
 forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The 
 third complained of a pleuritic stitch, and 
 spitting of blood, for which Doctor Mack- 
 shane prescribed exercise at the pump to 
 promote expectoration ! but whether this 
 
70 
 
 HODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ■was improper for one in his situation, or that 
 it was used to excess, I know not, but in less 
 than half-an-hour, he was suft'ocatod with a 
 dehv!?e of blood that issued from his lung's. 
 A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the 
 quarter-deck, being' loaded with a monstrous 
 ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his chest so 
 much, he could scarce fetch his breath ; but 
 his disease being interpreted into fat, occa- 
 sioned by idleness and excess of eating, he 
 was ordered, with a view to promote perspi- 
 ration and enlarge his chest, to go aloft imme- 
 diately. It wp-3 in vain for this unwieldy 
 wretch to allege his utter incapacity; the 
 boatswain's driver was commanded to whip 
 him up with the cat-and-nine-tails ; the smart 
 of this application made him exert himself so 
 much, that he actually arrived at the puttock 
 shrouds ; but when the enormous weight of 
 his body had nothing else to support it than 
 his weakened arms, either out of spite or ne- 
 cessity, he quitted his hold, and plumped into 
 the sea, where he must have been drowned, 
 had not a sailor, who was in a boat alongside, 
 saved his life, by keeping him afloat till ho 
 was hoisted on board by a tackle. 
 
 It would be tedious and disagreeable to 
 describe the fate of every miserable object 
 that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance 
 of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly 
 sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. 
 Many were brought up in the height of fevers, 
 and rendered delirious by the injuries they 
 received in the way. Some gave up the ghost 
 in the pre-sence of their inspectors ; and otherS, 
 who were ordered to their duty, languished a 
 few days at work among their fellows, and 
 then departed without any ceremony. On 
 the Avhole, the number of the sick was re- 
 duced to less than a dozen ; and the authors 
 of this reduction were applauding themselves 
 for the se^^^ces they had done to their king 
 and country, when the boatswain's mate in- 
 formed his honour, that there was a man 
 below lashed to his hammock, by direction of 
 the doctor's mate, and that he begged hard 
 to be released; affirming, he had been so 
 maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan 
 bore him, and that he was as much in his 
 senses as any man aboard. . The captain 
 hearing this, darted a severe look at the 
 Welsliman, and ordered the man to be brought 
 up immediately; upon which, Morgan pro- 
 tested with great fervency, that the person 
 in question was as mad as a March hare ; and 
 begged for the love of Cot, they would at least 
 keep his arms pinioned during his examina- 
 tion, to i>revent him from doing mischief. This 
 request the commander granted for his own 
 sake, and the patient was prodiiced, who in- 
 sisted upon his being in his right vnts with 
 such calmness and strength of argument, 'that 
 everybody present was inclined to believe 
 him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was 
 no trusting to appearances; for he himself 
 had been so much imposed upon by his be- 
 haviour two days before, that he had actually 
 
 unbound him with his own hands, and had 
 well nigh been murdered for his pains : this 
 was confirmed by the evidence of one of the 
 •waiters, who declared he had pulled this 
 patient from the doctor's mate, whom he had 
 gotten down, and almost strangled. To this 
 the man answered, that the witness w^as a 
 creature of Morgan's, and was suborned to 
 give his testimony against him by the malice of 
 the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, 
 by discovering to the people on board, that 
 Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in Rag- 
 fair. This anecdote produced a laugh at tho 
 expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his 
 head with seme emotion, said, ' Ay, ay, 'tis 
 no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant false- 
 hood.' Captain Oakum, without any farther 
 hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfet- 
 tered ; at the same time, threatening to make 
 Morgan exchange situations with him for his 
 spite ; but the Briton no sooner heard the 
 decision in favour of the madman, than ho 
 got up to the mizon-shrouds, crying to Thomp- 
 son and me to get out of his reach, for wo 
 should see him play the devil with a ven- 
 geance. We did not think fit to disregard 
 his caution, and accordingly got up on tho 
 poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as soon 
 as he was released) fly at the captain like a 
 fury, crying, ' I'll let you know, you scoun- 
 drel, that I am commander of this vessel,' and 
 pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, 
 who went to the assistance of his patron, 
 shared the same fate ; and it was with the 
 utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, 
 after having done great execution among those 
 who opposed him. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVni. 
 
 Tlie Captain enraged, threatens to X'ut the 
 Madman to death with his oivnhand — is 
 diverted from that resolution hy the argu- 
 ments and2yersxiasion of the first Lieutenant 
 and Surgeon — %cc set sail for St. Helen's, 
 
 join thefi.eet ^mder the command of Sir C 
 
 gle, and proceed for tlie West Indies — 
 
 are overtaken by a terrible tempest — my 
 friend Jack BattJin has his leg broken by a 
 fall from the mainyard — the behaviour of 
 Dr. Mackshane — Jack opposes the amputa- 
 tion of his limb, in which he is seconded by 
 Morgan and me, who xmdertake the cure and 
 perform it successfully. 
 
 THE captain was carried into his cabin, so 
 enraged with the treatment he had re- 
 ceived, that he ordered the fellow to bo 
 brought before him, that he might have tho 
 pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand ; 
 and would certainly have satisfied his revenge 
 in this manner, had not the first lieutenant re- 
 monstrated against it, by observing that, in 
 all appearance, the fellow was not mad, but 
 desperate ; that he had been hired by some 
 enemy of the captain's to assassinate him, 
 and therefore ought to be kept in irons till ho 
 
RODERICK RANDOSr. 
 
 71 
 
 could be brouprht to a court-martial, •which, 
 no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom 
 (by which means important discoveries mi^ht 
 be made), and then sentence the criminal to 
 a death adequate to his demerits. This sug- 
 gestion, improbable as it was, had the desired 
 effect upon the captain, beingr exactly calcu- 
 lated for the meridan of his intellects ; more 
 especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused this 
 opinion, in consequence of his previous decla- 
 ration that the man was not mad. Morgan 
 finding there was no more damage done, could 
 not help discovering by his countenance the 
 pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion ; and, 
 while he bathed the doctor's face with an em- 
 brocation, ventured to ask him, Avhether ho 
 thought there were more fools or madmen on 
 board ? But he would have been wiser in 
 containing this sally, which Ids patient care- 
 fully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice 
 of at a more fit season. Meanwhile we 
 weighed anchor, and, on our way to the 
 Downs, the madman, who was treated as a 
 prisoner, took an opportunity, wliile the sen- 
 tinel attending him was at the head, to leap 
 overboard, and frustrate the revenge of the 
 captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, 
 but took the benefit of the first easterly wind 
 to go round to Spithead : where, having received 
 provisions "n board for six months, we sailed 
 from St. Helen's in the grand fleet bound for 
 the West Indies, on the ever-memorable expe- 
 dition of Carthagena. 
 
 It was not without great mortification I 
 saw myself on the point of being transported 
 to such a distant and unhealthy climate, 
 destitute of every convenience that could 
 render sucli a voyage supportable, and under 
 the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whoso 
 command was almost intolerable ; however, 
 as these complaints were common to a great 
 many on board, I resolved to submit patiently 
 to my fate, and contrive to make myself as 
 easy as the nature of the case would allow. 
 We got out of the channel with a prospei'ous 
 breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed 
 about fifty leagues to the westward of the 
 Lizard : but this state of inaction did not 
 last long ; for next night our maintop-sail 
 was split by the wind, which, in the morning 
 increased to a hurricane. I was awakened 
 by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play 
 of the gun carriages upon the decks above, 
 the cracking of cabins, the howling of the 
 wind through the shrouds, the confused noise 
 of the ship's crew, the pipes of the boatswain 
 and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, 
 and the clanking of the chain pumps. Mor- 
 gan who had never been at sea before, turned 
 out in a great hurry, crying, ' Cot have mercy 
 and compassion upon us ! I believe we have 
 cot upon the confines of Lucifer and the 
 d — n'd ! ' while poor Thompson lay quaking 
 in his hammock, putting up petitions to 
 heaven for our safety, I rose and joined the 
 Welshman, with whom (after having fortified 
 ourselves with brandy) I went above ; but if 
 
 my sense of hearing was startled before, how 
 must my sight have been apalled in behold- 
 ing the effects of the storm I The sea was 
 swelled into billows mountain-high, on the 
 top of which our ship sometimes hung as if 
 it were about to be precipitated to the abyss 
 below ! Sometimes wo sank between two 
 waves that rose on each side higher than our 
 topmast-head, and threatened by dashing to- 
 gether to overwhelm us in a moment ! Of all 
 our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty 
 sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving 
 under then* bare poles, at the mercy of the 
 tempest. At length the mast of one of them 
 gave way, and tumbled overboard with a 
 hideous crash ! Nor was the prospect in our 
 own ship much more agreeable ; a number 
 of officers and sailors ran backward and for- 
 ward with distraction in their looks, halloaing 
 to one another, and undetermined what they 
 should attend to first. Some clung to the 
 yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that 
 were split into a thousand pieces flapping in 
 the wind; others tried to furl those which 
 were yet whole, while the masts, at every 
 pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if 
 they would have shivered into innumerable 
 splinters ! While I considered this scene 
 with equal terror and astonishment, one of 
 the main braces broke, by the shock whereof 
 two sailors were flung from the yard's arm 
 into the sea, where they perished, and poor 
 Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at 
 the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I 
 i-an immediately to his assistance, and found 
 a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the 
 violence of the fall through the skin ; as this 
 was a case of too great consequence to bo 
 treated without the authority of the doctor 
 I went down to his cabin to inform him of the 
 accident, as well as to bring up dressings 
 which we always kept ready prepared. I en- 
 tered his apartment witliout any ceremony, 
 and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived 
 him on his Knees before something that very 
 much resembled a crucifix; but this I will 
 not insist upon, that I may not seem too much 
 a slave to common report, which indeerl as- 
 sisted my conjecture on this occasion, by re- 
 presenting Dr. Mackshane as a member of the 
 church of Rome. Be this as it ■will, he got up 
 in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) 
 by his being disturbed in his devotion, and in 
 a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion 
 from my sight. 
 
 After making an apology for my intrusion, 
 I acquainted him with the situatien of Eat- 
 tlin, but could by no means prevail upon him 
 to visit him on deck, where he lay ; he bade 
 mo desire the boatswain to order some of the 
 men to carry him down to the cockpit, ' and 
 in the meantime,' said he, ' I vdU. direct Thomp- 
 son to get ready the dressings.' When I sig- 
 nified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he 
 swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare 
 one man from deck, because he expected the 
 mast would go by the board every minute. 
 
72 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 This piece of information did not at all con- 
 tribute to my peace of mind ; however, as my 
 friend Eattlin complained very much, with 
 the assistance of Morgan I supported him to 
 the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane, after 
 much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by 
 Thompson, with a box full of dressings, and 
 his own servant, who carried a whole set of 
 capital instruments. He examined the frac- 
 ture and the wound, and concluding, from a 
 livid colour extending itself upon the limb, 
 that mortification would ensue, resolved to 
 amputate the leg immediately. This was a 
 dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruit- 
 ing himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced 
 with a woful countenance, 'What! is there no 
 remedy, doctor ! must I be dock'd ? can't you 
 splice it ? ' ' Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,' 
 said the first mate, ' with submission, and de- 
 ference, and veneration, to your superior 
 apilities, and opportunities, and stations, look 
 you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and aver, 
 that there is no occasion nor necessity to 
 smite oft' this poor man's leg.' ' God Almighty 
 bless you, dear Welshman ! ' cried Rattlin, 
 ' may you have fair wind and weather where- 
 soever you're bound, and come to an anchor 
 in the road of heaven at last ! ' Mackshane, 
 very much incensed at his mate's differing in 
 opinion from him, so openly, answered, that 
 he was not bound to give an account of his 
 practice to him ; and in a peremptory tone, 
 ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At tho 
 sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, 
 ' Avast, avast ! d — n my heart, if you clap 
 vnur nippers on me, till I know wherefore ! 
 iMi-r Eandom, Avon't you lend a hand towards 
 saving my precious limb ! Odd's heart, if 
 Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not 
 suffer Jack Rattlin'sleg to bo chopped off like 
 a piece of old junk.' 
 
 This pathetic address to me, joined to my 
 inclination to serve my honest friend, and tho 
 reasons I had to believe there was no danger 
 in delaying tho amputation, induced mo to 
 declare myself of the first mate's opinion, and 
 aifirm that the preternatural colour of tho 
 skin was owing to an inflammation, occa- 
 sioned by a contusion, and common in all 
 such cases, without any indication of an ap- 
 proaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a 
 great opinion of my skill,' manifestly exulted 
 in my fellowship, and asked Thompson's sen- 
 timents in the matter, in hopes of strengthen- 
 ing our association with him too ; but he, 
 being of a meek disposition, and either dread- 
 ing the enmity of the surgean, or speaking 
 the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest 
 manner espoused the opinion of Mackshane, 
 who by this time having consulted with him- 
 self, determined to act in such a manner as 
 to screen himself from censure, and at the 
 same time revenge himself on us, for our arro- 
 gance in contradicting him. With this view, 
 he asked, if we would undertake to cure the 
 leg at our peril -. that is, be answerable for 
 tho consequence. To this question, Morgan 
 
 replied, that the lives of his creatures are in 
 the hands of Cot alone ; and it would be great 
 presumption in him to undertake for an event 
 that was in the power of his Maker, no more 
 than the doctor could promise to cure all the 
 sick to whom he administered his assistance ; 
 but if the patient w-ould put himself under 
 our direction, we would do our endeavour to 
 bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to 
 which at present we saw no obstruction. 
 
 I signified my concurrence ; and Kattlin 
 was so overjoyed that, shaking us both by the 
 hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, 
 and, if he died, his blood should be upon his 
 own head. ]\Ir. Mackshane, flattering himself 
 with the prospect of our miscarriage, went 
 away, and left us to manage it as wo should 
 think proper j accordingly, having sawed off 
 part of the splinter that stuck through the 
 skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the 
 wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, 
 and put the leg in a box, secundem artem. 
 Everything succeeded according to our wish, 
 and we had the satisfaction of not only pre- 
 serving the poor fellow's leg, but likewise of 
 rendering the doctor contemptible among the 
 ship's company, who had all their eyes on ns 
 during the course of this euro, wi-ich was 
 completed in six weeks. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 MacJcshane's malice — I am tal-coi np and im- 
 ^nsoned for a sjyy — Morgan meets ivith the 
 same fate — Tlwmj'ison is tampered Acith to 
 turn evidence against its — disdains the pro- 
 posal, and is m,altreatedfor his integrity — 
 Morgan is released to assist the Hurgeon 
 during an engagement u-ith some French 
 ships of war — I remain fettered on the pioop, 
 exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow de- 
 lirious ivith fear — am comforted ajter the 
 battle by Morgan, u-lw speaks freely of the 
 ca2ytain, is overheard by the sentiyiel, ulio 
 informs agaitist him, and again imprisoned 
 — Thompson grows desperate, and, noticith- 
 standing the remonstrances of Morgan and 
 me, goes overboard in the night. 
 
 TN" the meantime tho storm subsided into a 
 I brisk gale, that carried us into tho warm 
 latitudes, where the weather became intole- 
 raV)le, and tho crew very sickly. The doctor 
 left nothing unattempted towards the com- 
 pletion of his vengeance against tho Welsh- 
 man and me. He went among the sick, 
 under pretence of inquiring into their grie- 
 vances, with a view of picking up complaints i 
 to our prejudice; but, finding himself fru.s- ^ 
 trated in that expectation by the good-will 
 we had procured from the patients by our 
 diligence and humanity, he took the resolu- 
 tion of listening to our conversation, by 
 hiding himself behind tho canvas tliat sur- 
 rounded our berth ; here too he was detected 
 by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us 
 with this piece of behaviour, and one night, 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 whilo we wore picking a large bone of salt 
 beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the 
 outside of our hangings, which immediately 
 interpreting to be the doctor, he tipped me 
 the wink, and pointed to the place, where I 
 could perceive somebody standing ; upon 
 which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled 
 it with all my force at him, saying, ' Whoever 
 you are, take that for your curiosity.' It had 
 the desired effect, for we heard the listener 
 tumble do^vn, and afterwards crawl to his 
 own cabin. I applauded myself much for 
 this feat, which turned out one of the most 
 unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from 
 that time, marking me out for destruction. 
 
 About a week after this exploit, as I was 
 going my rounds among the sick, I was 
 taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by 
 the master-at-arms, where I was loaded with 
 irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence 
 that I was a spy on board, and had conspired 
 against the captain's life. How ridiculous 
 soever this imputation was, I did not fail to 
 sutfer by it all the rigour that could be shown 
 to the worst of crimnals, being exposed in 
 this miserable condition to the scorching 
 heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome 
 damps by night, during the space of twelve 
 days, in which I was neither brought to trial, 
 nor examined touching the probability of the 
 charge. I had no sooner recovered the use 
 of my reflection, which had been quite over- 
 thrown by this accident, than I sent for 
 Thompson, vsho, after condoling jne on the 
 occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune 
 to the hatred of the doctor, who had given 
 an information against me to the captain, in 
 consequence of which I was arrested, and all 
 my papers seized. While I was cursing my 
 capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the 
 
 Eoop, guarded by two corporals, who made 
 im sit down by me, that he might bo pin- 
 ioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding 
 my situation, I could scarce refrain from 
 laughing at the countenance of my fellow 
 prisojier, who, without speaking one word, 
 allowed his feet to be inclosed in the rings 
 provided for that purpose ; but, when they 
 pretended to fasten him on his back, ho grew 
 outrageous, and dra^ving a large couteau 
 from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the 
 belly of the first man that should approach 
 him, in order to treat him in such an un- 
 worthy manner. They were prepared to use 
 him very roughly, when the lieutenant on 
 the quarter-deck called up to them to let him 
 remain as he was. He then crept towards 
 me, and, taking me by the hand, bade me 
 *put my trust in Cot.' And looking at 
 Thompson, who sat by us trembling, with a 
 pale visage, told him, there were two more 
 rings for his fi et, and he should be glad to 
 find him in such good company. But it was 
 not the intention of our adversary to include 
 the second mate in our fate : him he expected 
 to be his drudge in attending the sick, and, 
 if possible, his evidence against us : with thia 
 
 view he sounded him afar off, but, finding his 
 integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much 
 out of spite, that in a short time this mild 
 creature grew weary of his life. 
 
 While I and my fellow prisoner comforted 
 each other in our tribulation, the admiral dis- 
 covered four sail to leeward, and made signal 
 for our ship and four more to chase ; here- 
 upon everything was cleared for an engage- 
 ment, and Mackshane, foreseeing he should 
 have occasion for more assistants than one, 
 obtained Morgan's liberty, while I was left 
 in this deplorable posture to the chance of 
 battle. It was almost dark when we came 
 up with the stemmost chase, which we hailed, 
 and inquired who thoy were. They gave us 
 to understand they were French men-of-war, 
 upon which Captain Oakum commanded them 
 to send their boat on board of him ! but they 
 refused, telling him, if he had any business 
 with them, to come on board of their ship : 
 he then threatened to pour in a broadside 
 upon them, which they promised to return. 
 Both sides were as good as their word, and 
 the engagement began •with great fury. The 
 reader may guess how I passed my time, 
 lying in this helpless situation, amidst tho 
 terrors of a sea-tight ; expecting every mo- 
 ment to be cut asunder, or dashed in pieces 
 by the enemy's shot ! I endeavoured to com- 
 pose myself as much as possible, by reflecting 
 that I was not a whit more exposed than 
 those who were stationed about me ; but, 
 when I beheld them employed without inter- 
 mission in annoying tho foe, and enoouraged 
 hj the society and behaviour of one another, 
 I could easily perceive a wide difference be- 
 tween their condition and mine : however, I 
 concealed my agitation as well as I could, till 
 the head of the officer of marines, who stood 
 near me, being shot off, bounced from tho 
 deck athwart my face, leaving me well nigh 
 blinded with brains. I could contain my- 
 self no longer, but began to bellow with all 
 the strength of my lungs ; when a drummer, 
 coming towards me, asked if I was wounded, 
 and, before I could answer, received a great 
 shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, 
 and he fell flat on my breast. This accident 
 entirely bereft me of all discretion ; I re- 
 doubled my cries, which were drowned in tho 
 noiso of the battle ; and, finding myself dis- 
 regarded, lost all patience, and became frantic. 
 I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, 
 till my spirits, being quite exhausted, I re- 
 mained quiet, as insensible of the load that 
 oppressed me. 
 
 "The engagement lasted till broad day, when 
 Captain Oakum, finding ho was like to gain 
 neither honour nor advantage by the affair, 
 pretended to be undeceived by seeing their 
 colours ; and, hailing the ship whom he had 
 fought all night, protested he believed them 
 Spaniards ; and the guns being silenced on 
 each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, 
 and went on board the French commodore. 
 Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen 
 
74 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. 
 My fellow-mates had no sooner despatched 
 their business in the cock-pit, than, full of 
 friendly concern, they came to visit me, 
 Morgan, ascending first, and seeing my face 
 almost covered with brains and blood, con- 
 cluded I was no longer a man for this world ; 
 and, calling to Thompson with great emotion, 
 bade him come up, and take his last farewell 
 of his comrade and countryman, who was 
 posted to a better place, where there were no 
 Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and tor- 
 ment him. ' No,' said he, taking me by the 
 hand, ' you are going to a country where there 
 is more respect shown to unfortunate shen- 
 tlemen, and where you will have the satisfac- 
 tion of peholding your adversaries tossing 
 upon pillows of puming primstone.' Thomp- 
 son, alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste 
 to the place where I lay, and sitting down by 
 me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the na- 
 ture of my calamity. By this time I had recol- 
 lected myself so far as to be able to converse 
 rationally with my friends, whom, to their 
 g^eat satisfaction, I immediately undeceived 
 with regard to their apprehension of my 
 being mortally wounded. 
 
 After I had got myself disengaged from the 
 carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken 
 of a refreshment which my friends brought 
 along with them, we entered into discourse 
 upon the hardships we sustained, and spoko 
 very freely of the authors of our misery ; but 
 our discourse being overheard by the sentinel 
 who guarded mo, he was no sooner relieved 
 than he reported to the captain every syllable 
 of our conversation, according to the orders 
 he had received. The effect of this informa- 
 tion soon appeared in the arrival of the 
 master-at-arms, who replace! Morgan in his 
 former station, and gave the second mate a 
 caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, 
 if he did not choose to accompany us in our 
 confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the 
 whole slavery of attending the sick and 
 wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, 
 must now f.xll upon his shoulders, grew des- 
 
 Eerate at the prospect, and, though I never 
 eard him swear before, imprecated dreadful 
 curses on the heads of his oppressors, declar- 
 ing that he would rather quit life altogether 
 than be much longer under the power of such 
 barbarians. I was not a little startled at his 
 vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his 
 complaints, by representing the subject of 
 my own, with as much aggravation as it 
 would boar, by which comparison he might 
 BOO tho balance of misfortune lay on ray side, 
 and take an example from me of fortitude 
 and submission, till such time as we could 
 procure redress, which I hoped was not far off, 
 considering that we should probably be in a 
 harbour in less than three days, where we 
 should have an opportunity of preferring our 
 complaints to tho admiral. Tlie Welshman 
 joined in my remonstrance, and was at groat 
 pains to demonstrate that it was every man's 
 
 duty as well as interest to resign himself to 
 the divine will, and look upon himself as a 
 sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at 
 liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. 
 Thompson listened attentively to what he 
 said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, 
 shook his head, and left us without making 
 any reply. About eleven at night he came to 
 see us again with a settled gloom on his 
 countenance, and gave us to understand that 
 he had undergone exces5sive toil since he saw 
 us, and in recompense had been grossly abused 
 by the doctor, who taxed him with being con- 
 federate with us, in a design of taking away 
 his life and that of the captain. After some 
 time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, 
 and squeezing me by the hand with an un- 
 common fervour, cried, ' God bless you both!' 
 and left us to wonder at his singular manner 
 of parting with lis, which did not fail to make 
 a deep impression on us both. 
 
 Next morning, when the hour of visitation 
 came round, this unhappy young man was 
 missing, and, after strict scareli, supposed to 
 have gone overboard in tho night j and this 
 was certainly the case. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 We lament the fate of our coyyipanion — the 
 captain offers Morgan his liberty, icliich lie 
 refuses to accept — ice arc brought before 
 him and examined — Morgan is sent back 
 into custodi/, whither also I am remanded 
 after a curious trial. 
 
 THE news of this event affected my fellow 
 prisoner and mo extremely, as our un- 
 fortunate companion had justly acquired by 
 liis amiable disposition the love and esteem of 
 lis both ; and tho more we regretted his un- 
 timely fate, the greater horror we conceived 
 for the villain who was undoubtedly tho 
 occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did 
 not discover the least symptom of concern for 
 Thompson's death, although he must have 
 been conscious to himself of having driven 
 him by ill usage to tho fatal resolution, but 
 desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty 
 again to look after the patients. Accordingly 
 one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter 
 him ; but he protested he would not be re- 
 leased until he should know for wh.at he was 
 confined ; nor would ho be a tennis-ball, nor a 
 shuttlecock, nor a tnidge, nor a scullion, to 
 any captain under tho sim. Oakum, finding 
 him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in 
 his power to exercise his tyranny much longer 
 with impunity, was willing to show aomo 
 appearance of justice, and therefore ordered 
 us both to be brought before him on tho 
 quarter-deck, where ho sat in state, with his 
 clerk on one side, and his counsellor Mack- 
 shane on the other. When we approached, 
 he honoured us ■with this salutation : ' So, 
 gentlemen, d — n my blood ! many a captain 
 in the navy would have ordered you both tO' 
 bo tucked up to the yard's arm, without 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 75 
 
 either ju(l<?o or jnry, for the crimes yon have 
 been guilty of; bnt, d — n my blood, I have 
 too much good nature, in allowing such dogs 
 as you to make your defence.' ' Captain 
 Oakum,' said my fellow-suS'erer, ' certainly 
 it is in your power (Cot help the while) to 
 tuck us all up at your wiil, desire, and 
 pleasures. And perhaps it would bo petter 
 for some of us to be tucked up than undergo 
 the miseries to which we have been exposed. 
 So may the farmer hang his kids for his 
 diversion, and amusement, and mirth ; but 
 there is such a tiling as justice, if not upon 
 earth, surely in heaven, that wdl punish with 
 fire and primstone all those who take away 
 the lives of innocent people out of wanton- 
 ness and parparity (look you). In the mean- 
 time I shall be glad to know the crimes laid 
 to my charge, and see the person who accuses 
 me.' ' That you shall,' said the captain ; 
 ' here, doctor, what have you to say r ' Mack- 
 shane, stepping forward, hemmed a good 
 while, in order to clear his throat, and, before 
 ho began, Morgan accosted him thus : ' Doctor 
 Mackshane, look in my face — look in the face 
 of an honest man, who abhors a false witness 
 as ho abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge 
 between you and me.' The doctor, not mind- 
 ing this conjuration, made the following 
 Bjiecch, asnearas I can remember: 'I'll tell you 
 what, Mr. Morgan ; to be sure what you say ia 
 just, in regard to an honest man, and if so bo 
 it appears as how yon are an honest man, then 
 it is my opinion that you deserve to bo 
 acquitted, in relation to that there aflfair ; for 
 I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved 
 for to do everybody justice. As for my own 
 
 tart, all that I have to allege is, that I have 
 cen informed you have spoken disrespectful 
 words against j'oiir captain, who, to be sure, is 
 the most honourable and gonerous commander 
 in the king's service, without asparagcmont 
 or accei)tion of man, woman, or child.' 
 
 Having uttered this elegant harangue, on 
 which he seemed to plume himself, Morgan 
 replied, ' I do partly giiess, and conceive, and 
 imderstand your moaning, which I ^vi8h could 
 be more cxplicitV but, however, I do sup- 
 
 !>oso, I am not to be condemned upon bare 
 learsay ; or, if I am convicted of speaking 
 disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope 
 there is no treason in my words.' ' But 
 there's mutiny, by G — d, and that's death by 
 the articles of war ! ' crio<l Oakum : ' In the 
 meantime, lot the witnesses be called.' Here- 
 upon Mackshane' s servant appeared, and the 
 boy of our mess, whom they had seduce<i and 
 tutored for the purpose. "The first declared, 
 that Morgan, as ho descended the cockpit- 
 ladder one day, ctirsed the captain, and called 
 him a savage beast, sayiiig, he ought to be 
 hunted down as an enemy to mankind. ' This,' 
 said the clerk, ' is a strong presumption of a 
 design, formed against the captain's life. For 
 why P It presupposes malice aforethought, 
 and a criminal intention a j^rioi-i.' ' Right,' 
 said the captain to this miserable grub, who 
 
 had been an attorney's boy, ' you shall have 
 law enough : here's Cook and Littlejohn for 
 it.' This evidence was confirmed by the boy, 
 who afiirmed, he heard the first mate say, 
 that the captain had no more bowels than a 
 bear, and the surgeon had no more brains 
 than an ass. Then the sentinel who heard 
 our discourse on the poop was examined, and 
 informed the court that the Welshman assured 
 me. Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane 
 would toss upon billows of burning brimstone 
 in hell for their barbarity. The clerk ob- 
 served, that there was an evident prejudi- 
 cation, which confirmed the former suspicion 
 of a conspiracy against the life of Captain 
 Oakiun ; for, because, how could Morgan so 
 positively pronounce that the captain and 
 surgeon would be d — n'd, unless he had inten- 
 tion to make away with them before they could 
 have time to repent ? This sage explanation 
 had great weight with our noble commander, 
 who exclaimed, ' What have you to say to this, 
 TaflFy P you seem to be taken all a-back, 
 brother, ha ! ' Morgan was too much of a 
 gentleman to disown the text, although he 
 absolutely denied the truth of the comment. 
 Upon which the captain, strutting up to him 
 with a ferocious countenance, said, ' So Mr. 
 son of a bitch, you confess you honoured me 
 with the names of bear and beast, and pro- 
 nounced my damnation ? D — n my heart ! I 
 have a good mind to have you brought to a 
 court-martial and hang'd, you dog. Here 
 Mackshane, having occasion for an assistant, 
 intcr])oscd, and begged the captain to pardon 
 Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon 
 condition that ho the delinquent shoidd make 
 such submission as the nature of his misde- 
 meanour demanded. Upon which the Cam- 
 bro-Briton, who on this occasion would have 
 made no submission to the Great Mogul, sur- 
 rounded with his guards, thanked the doctor 
 for his mediation, and acknowledged himself 
 in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a 
 pcast ; ' but,' said ho, ' I spoke by metaphor, 
 and parable, and comparison, and types ; as 
 wo signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a 
 goat, and craftiness by a fox ; so we liken ig- 
 norance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, 
 and fury to a tiger ; therefore I made use of 
 those similes to express my sentiments (look 
 you), and what I said before Cot, I will not 
 unsay V)efore man nor peast neither.' 
 
 Oakum was so provoked at this insolence 
 (as he termed it,) that he ordered him forth- 
 with to be carried to the place of his confine- 
 ment, and his clerk to proceed on the exami- 
 nation of me. The first question put to mo 
 was touching the place of my nativity, which 
 I declared to be the north of Scotland. ' The 
 north of Ireland more like ! ' cried the cap- 
 tain ; * but we shall bring you up presently.' 
 He then asked what religion I professed ; and 
 when I answered ' the Protestant,' swore I 
 was as arrant a Roman as ever went to mass. 
 * Come, come, clerk,' continued he, ' catechise 
 him a little on this subject,' But before I re- 
 
76 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 late the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, 
 it will not be amiss to inform the reader that 
 our commander himself was an Hibernian, 
 and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic 
 to boot. • You say, you are a Protestant,' 
 said the clerk ; ' make the sij^ of the cross 
 with your finger, so, and swear upon it to 
 that affirmation.' When I was about to per- 
 form the ceremony, the captain cried with 
 some emotion, ' No, no, d — me ! I'll have no 
 profanation neither. But go on with your 
 interrogations.' Well then,' proceeded my 
 examiner, ' how many sacraments are there F' 
 To which I replied, ' Two. 'What are they ':•' 
 said he. I answered, ' Baptism and the Lord's 
 Supper.' ' And so you would explode confirma- 
 tion and marriage altogether ? ' said Oakum. 
 ' I thought this fellow was a rank Roman.' 
 The clerk, though ho was bred under an 
 attorney, could not refrain from blushing at 
 this blunder, which he endeavoured to con- 
 ceal, by observing, that these decoys would 
 not do with me, who seemed to be an old of- 
 fender. He went on with asking, if I believed 
 in transubstantiation ; but I treated the no- 
 tion of real presence with such disrespect, 
 that his patron was scandalised at my im- 
 piety, and commanded him ■ to proceed to the 
 plot. Whereupon this miserable pettifogger 
 told me, there was great reason to suspect me 
 of being a spy on board, and that I had en- 
 tered into a conspiracy ^\-ith Thompson, and 
 others not jet detected, against the life of 
 Captain Oakum, which accusation they pre- 
 tended to support by the evidence of our boy, 
 who declared he had often heard the deceased 
 Thompson and me whispering together, and 
 could distinguish the words, ' Oakum, rascal, 
 poison, pistol ; ' by which expressions it ap- 
 peared, we did intend to use sinister means to 
 accomplish his destruction. ^ That the death 
 of Thompson seemed to confirm this con- 
 jecture, who, either feeling the stings of re- 
 morse for being engaged in such a horrid 
 confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which 
 he must have infallibly sufl"ered an ignomi- 
 nious death, had put a fatal period to his own 
 existence. But what established the truth of 
 the whole was, a book in cyphers found among 
 my papers, which exactly tallied vrith one 
 found in his chest, after his disappearance. 
 This, he observed, was a presumption very 
 near positive proof, and would determine any 
 jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In 
 my o^vn defence, I alleged, that I had been 
 dragged on board at first very much against 
 my inclination, as I could prove by the evi- 
 dence of some people now in the ship, conse- 
 quently could have no design of becoming 
 spy at that time ; and ever since had been 
 entirely out of the reach of any correspon- 
 dence that could justly entail that suspicion 
 upon me. As for conspiring against my cap- 
 tain's lifo, it could not be .supposed that any 
 man in his right wits would harbour the least 
 thought of such an undertaking, which he 
 could not possibly perform without certain 
 
 infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all 
 the inclination in the world. That, allowing 
 the boy's evidence to be true (which I affirmed 
 was false and malicious), nothing conclusive 
 could be gathered from a few incoherent 
 words ; neither was the fate of Mr. Thomp- 
 son a circumstance more favourable for the 
 charge ; for I had in my pocket a letter which 
 too well explained that mystery, in a very 
 different manner from that which was sup- 
 posed. With these words, I produced the 
 following letter, which Jack RattUn brought 
 to me the very day after Thompson disan- 
 peared ; and told me it was committed to his 
 care by the deceased, who made him promise 
 not to deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking 
 it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, 
 which were these ; 
 
 ' Dear Friend, — I am so much oppressed 
 with the fatigue I daily and nightly undergo, 
 and the barbarous usage of Doctor Mack- 
 shane, who is bent on your destruction as 
 well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself 
 from this miserable life, and, before you 
 receive this, shall be no more. I could have 
 wished to die in your good opinion, which I 
 am afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my 
 life ; but, if you cannot acquit me, I know 
 you will at least preserve some regard for the 
 memory of an unfortunate young man who 
 loved you. I recommend it to you, to beware 
 of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. 
 I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, 
 to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg 
 to be remembered as your unhappy friend and 
 countryman, 
 
 ' William Thompson.' 
 
 This letter was no sooner read, than ^lack- 
 shane, in a transport of rage, snatched it out 
 of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thou- 
 sand pieces, saying, it was a villanous forgery, 
 contrived and executed by myself. The cap- 
 tain and clerk declared themselves of the 
 same opinion, although I insisted of having 
 the remains of it compared with other wri- 
 tings of Thompson, which they had in their 
 possession ; and I was ordered to answer the 
 last article of my accusation, namely, the book 
 of ciphers found among mj' papers. ' That is 
 easily done,' said I. ' What you are pleased 
 to call ciphers, are no other than the Greek 
 characters, in which, for my amusement, I 
 keep a diary of everything remarkable that 
 has occurred to my observation since the 
 beginning of the voyage, till the day in 
 which I was put in irons ; and the same me- 
 thod was practised by Mr. Thompson, who 
 copied mine.' ' Avery likely story,' cried Mack- 
 shane ; ' what occasion was there for using 
 Greek characters, if you were not afraid of 
 discovering what you had wrote ? But what 
 d'ye talk of Greek characters ? D'ye think I 
 am so ignorant of the Greek language, as not 
 to distinguish its letters from these, which 
 are no more Greek than Chinese ? No, no, I 
 will not give up my knowledge of the Greek 
 for you, nor nonQ that ever cajns from youi; 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 77 
 
 country.' So sayinj?', -vvlth an unparalleled 
 effrontery, ho repeated some pribberish, which 
 by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it 
 pass for Greek with the captain, who, looking 
 at mo with a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed, 
 'Ah, ah I have you caught a tartar ? ' I could 
 not help smiling at the consummate assurance 
 of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the 
 dispute to anybody on board who understood 
 the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan 
 was brought back, and, being made acquainted 
 with the affair, took the book, and read a 
 whole page in English, without hesitation, 
 deciding the controversy in my favour. The 
 doctor was so far from being out of counte- 
 nance at this detection, that he affirmed Mor- 
 gan was in the secret, and repeated from his 
 own invention. Oakum said. ' Ay, ay, I see 
 they are both in a story ; and dismissed my 
 fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I pro- 
 
 f)osed that ho and I should read and trans- 
 ate, separately, any chapter or verse in the 
 Greek Testament in his possession, by which 
 it would appear whether we or tho surgeon 
 spoke truth. Not being endued with elo- 
 quence enough to convince the captain that 
 there could be no juggle nor confederacy in 
 this expedient, I begged to bo examined by 
 some unconcerned person on board, who un- 
 derstood Greek. Accordingly, the whole 
 ship's company, ofTicers and all, were culled 
 upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed 
 that, if anyone of them could speak Greek, 
 ho or they so qualified should ascend the 
 quarter-deck iramediatelj'. 
 
 After some pause, two foremast men camo 
 up. and professed their skill in that language, 
 which, they said, they acquired during seve- 
 ral voyages to tho Levant, among the Greeks 
 of the Morea. The captain exulted much in 
 this declaration, and juit my journal book 
 into the hands of one of them, who candidly 
 owned ho could neither read nor write; the 
 other acknowlcdgo<l tho same degree of igno- 
 rance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo 
 with any man on board ; and, addressing him- 
 self to me, pronounced some sentences of a 
 barbarous corrupted language, which I did 
 not understand. I asserted that the modem 
 Greek was as different from that spoken and 
 WTitteu by tho ancients, as the English used 
 now from tho old Saxon spoke in tho time of 
 Hengist : and, as I had only learned the true 
 original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the 
 Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity 
 wrote, it could not be supposed that I should 
 know anything of an imperfect Gothic dialect 
 that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce 
 retained any traces of the old expression : 
 but, if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to 
 be master of the Greek language, could main- 
 tain a conversation with these seamen, I would 
 retract what I had said, and bo content to 
 suffer any punishment he should think proper 
 to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these 
 words than the surgeon, knowing one of the 
 fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in 
 
 Irish, and was answered in tho same brogue ; 
 then a dialogue ensiied between them, which 
 they affirmed to be in Greek, after having se- 
 cured the secrecy of tho other tar, who had 
 his cue in the language of the Morea from his 
 companion, before they would venture to 
 assert such an intrepid falsehood. ' I thought,' 
 said Oakum, ' we should discover the impos- 
 ture at last. Let the rascal bo carried back 
 to his confinement. I find he must dangle.' 
 Having nothing further to urge in my own 
 behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, 
 and fortified with ignorance against truth, I 
 suffered myself to bo reconducted peaceably 
 to my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the par- 
 ticulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and 
 eyes to Heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan : 
 and, not daring to disburden his thoughts 
 to me by speech, lest ho might be over- 
 heard by the sentinel, burst forth into a 
 Welsh song, which he accompanied with a 
 thou.sand contortions of face and violent 
 gestures of body. * 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 I discover a subornation against me, by means 
 of a qiiarrel between two of the evidences ; in. 
 consequence of vMch I am set at liberty, and 
 prevail upon Morgan to accept of Ms free- 
 dom on the same terms — Mackshane's malice 
 — we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a 
 short time we beat up to Hispaniola, in 
 conjunction unth the West India squadron 
 — we take in water, sail again, and. arrive 
 at Carthagena — Reflections on our conduct 
 there. 
 
 MEANWHILE, a quarrel happening be- 
 tween tho two modern Greeks, tho one, 
 to be revenged of the other, camo and disco- 
 vered to us tho niysteiy of Mackshane's dia- 
 logue, as I have explained it above. This 
 detection coming to tho cars of the doctor, 
 who was sensible that (now we wore in sight 
 of Jamaica) wo should have an opportunity 
 of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, 
 an<l, at tho same time, of making his nialico 
 and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for 
 us with the captain so effectually, that iu a 
 few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered 
 to return to our duty. This was a hajjpy 
 event for me, my whole body being blistered 
 by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want 
 of motion : but I could scarce persuade the 
 Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he 
 persisted in his obstinacy to remain in irons, 
 until he should be discharged by a court- 
 martial, which, ho believed, would also do him 
 justice on his enemies. At length I repre- 
 sented to him tho precarious issue of a trial, 
 the power and interest of his adversaries, and 
 flattered his revenge with the hope of wreak- 
 ing his resentment with his own hands upon 
 Mackshane after our return to England. This 
 last argument had more weight with him 
 tha.n all tJ}2 rest, and pvQVftUed upon hipi to 
 
78 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 repair -with me to the cockpit, which I no 
 sooner entered, than the idea of my departed 
 friend presented itself to my remembrance, 
 and filled my eyes with tears. We discharged 
 from our mess the boy who had acted so per- 
 fidiously, notwithstandinghis tears, intrkiaties, 
 and professions of penitence for what he had 
 done ; bnt not before he had confessed that 
 the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence 
 against us, with a pair of stockings and a 
 couple of old check shirts, of which his ser- 
 vant had since plundered him. 
 
 The keys of our chests and lockers being 
 sent to us by the doctor, we detained the mes- 
 senger until we had examined the contents ; 
 and my fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire 
 cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy ex- 
 hausted, and his onions gone, was seized with 
 a tit of choler, which he discharged on Mack- 
 shane's man in oaths and execrations, threat- 
 ening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow 
 swore in his turn, that he never had the keys 
 in his possession till that time, when he re- 
 ceived them from his master, with orders to 
 deliver them to us. ' As Cot is my judge,' 
 cried Morgan, ' and my aalfation, and my wit- 
 ness, Avhosoever has pilfered my provisions is 
 a lousy, pcggarly, rascally knave ! and by tho 
 Boul of my grandsiro, I will impeach, and ac- 
 cuse, and indict him of a roppory, if I did but 
 know who ho is.' Had this misfortune hap- 
 pened at sea, where wo could not repair the 
 loss, in all probability this descendant of 
 Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely ; 
 but, when I observed how easy it would be to 
 remedy this paltry mi.schance, he became 
 more calm, and reconciled himself to tho 
 occasion. 
 
 A little while after this transport the sur- 
 geon came into the birth, under pretence of 
 taking something out of the medicine chest, 
 and, with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of 
 our deliverance, which, he said, he had been 
 at great pains to obtain of tho captain, who 
 was very justly incensed at our behaviour ; 
 but he, the doctor, had passed his word for our 
 future conduct, and he hoped we should give 
 him no cause to repent of his kindness. Ho 
 expected, no doubt, an acknowledgment from 
 us for this pretended piece of service, as well 
 as a general amnesty of what was past ; but 
 he had to do with people who were not quite 
 so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or 
 to forget that, if our deliverance was owing 
 to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned 
 by his malice ; I therefore sat silent, while my 
 companion answered, ' Ay, ay, 'tis no matter, 
 Cot knows the heart ; there is a time for all 
 things, as the wise man saith ; there is a time 
 for throwing away stones, and to gather them 
 up again.' He seemed to be disconcerted at 
 this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering 
 something about' Ingratitude,' and ' Fellows," 
 of which we did not think fit to take any 
 notice. 
 
 Our fleet, having joined another that waited 
 for us, lay at anchor about a month in the 
 
 harbour of Port Royal In Jamaica, during 
 which time somethmg of consequence was 
 certainly transacted ; notwithstanding tho in- 
 sinuations of some, who affirmed we had no 
 business at all in that place ; that, in order to 
 take the advantage of the season proper for 
 our enterprise, the West India squadron, 
 which had previous notice of our coming, 
 ought to have joined us at the west end of 
 Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refresh- 
 ments, from whence we could have sailed di- 
 rectly for Carthagena, before the enemy could 
 put themselves in a good posture of defence, 
 or, indeed, have an inkling of our design. Bo 
 this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in 
 ten days or a fortnight, beat up against tho 
 wind as far as the Isle of Vache, Avith an inten- 
 tion, as was said,to attack theFrench fleet.then 
 supposed to be lying near that place ; but be- 
 fore we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, 
 having first disjiatched an advice-boat to Car- 
 thagena, with an acccount of our being in 
 those seas, as also of our strength and desti- 
 nation. We loitered here some days longer, 
 taking in wood and brackish water, in the uso 
 whereof, however, our admirid seemed to con- 
 sult the health of tho men, by restricting each 
 to a quart a day. 
 
 At length wo set sail, and arrived in a bay 
 to tho windward of Carthagena, where wo 
 came to an anchor, and lay at our case ten 
 days longer. Here, again, certain malicious 
 jieoiile took occasion to blame the conduct of 
 their superiors, by saying, that in so doing 
 they not only unprofitably wasted time, 
 which was very precious, considering the 
 approach of the rainy season, but also allowed 
 tho Spaniards to recollect themselves from a 
 terror occasioned by tho approach of an 
 English fleet, at least three times as numerous 
 as ever appeared in that part of tho world 
 before. But if I might be allowed to give my 
 opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this 
 delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who 
 scorned to take any advantage that fortune 
 might give them even over an enemy. At 
 last, however, we weighed, and anchored 
 again somewhat nearer the harbour's mouth, 
 where we made shift to land our marines, who 
 encamped on the beach, in despite of tho 
 enemy's shot, which knocked a good many of 
 them on tlio head. This piece of conduct, 
 in choosing a camp under the walls of an ene- 
 my'? fortification, which I believe never hap- 
 pened before, was practised, I presume, with 
 a view of accustoming tho soldiers to stand 
 fire, who were not as yet much used to dis- 
 cipline, most of them having been taken from 
 the plough-tail a few months before. This 
 expedient, again, has furnished matter for 
 censure against the ministry, for sending a 
 few raw recruits on such an important enter- 
 prise, while so many veteran regiments lay 
 inactive at home. But surely our governors 
 had their reasons for so doing, which possibly 
 may be disclosed with other secrets of tho 
 deep. Perhaps they wore loth to risk theic 
 
\ 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM, 
 
 best troops on such desperate service, or tho 
 colonel and field officers of the old corps, 
 who, generally speaking, enjoyed their com- 
 missions as sinecures or pensions, for some 
 domestic services rendered to the court, 
 refused to embark in such a dangerous 
 and precarious undertaking; for which re- 
 fusal, no doubt, they are to bo much com- 
 mended. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 Our Land Forces beiiig disembarked, erect a 
 fascine hatterij — our ship is ordered, with 
 Jour more, to latter the FortofBocca Chica 
 — Mackshane's cmvardice — the Chaplain s 
 fri-nzy — honest Rattlin loses one hand — 
 Ids heroism and rcjlections on the battle — 
 CramjAey's belmviour to me during the 
 lieat of the Fight 
 
 OUR forces being landed and stationed as 
 I have already mentioned, sot about 
 erecting a fascine battery to cannonade tho 
 principal fort of the enemy ; and in something 
 more than three weeks, it was ready to open. 
 That we might do tho Spaniards as much 
 honour as possible, it was determined, in a 
 council of war, that five of our largest ships 
 should attack the fort on one side, while tho 
 battery, strengthened by two mortars and 
 twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the 
 other. 
 
 Accordingly, the signal for our ship 
 to engage, among others, was hoisted, we 
 being advertised, tho night before, to make 
 everything clear for that purpose; and, in 
 so doing, a difference happened between 
 Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin 
 and counsellor Mackshano, which had well 
 nigh terminated in an open ruptufe. Tho 
 doctor, who had imagined there was no more 
 danger of being hurt by tho enemy's shot in 
 tho cockpit than in tho centre of the earth, 
 was lately informed tjiat a surgeon's mate 
 had been killed in that part of tho ship by a 
 cannon-ball from two small redoubts that 
 were destroyed before the disembarkation of 
 our soldiers ; and therefore insisted upon 
 having a platform raised for the convenience 
 of the sick and wounded in the after-hold, 
 where he deemed himself more Bccure than 
 on tho deck above. Tho captain, offended at 
 this extraordinary proposal, accused him of 
 pusillanimity, and told him, there was no 
 room in tho hold for such an occasion ; or, if 
 there was, he could not expect to be indulged 
 more than the rest of the surgeons of the 
 navy, who used the cockpit for that puii^ose. 
 Fear rendering Maokshane obstinate, he per- 
 sisted in his demand, and showed his instruc- 
 tions, by which it was authorised ; tho cap- 
 tain swore these instructions wcro dictated 
 by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never 
 at sea ; nevertheless he was obliged to comply, 
 and sent for the carpenter to give him orders 
 about it. But, before any such measui-e could 
 
 be taken, our signal was thrown out, and tho 
 doctor compelled to trust his carcass in the 
 cockpit, where Morgan and I were busy iu 
 putting our instruments and dressings in 
 order. 
 
 Our ship, with others destined for this ser- 
 vice, immediately weighed, and in less than 
 half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castlo 
 of Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable, 
 and the cannonading (which indeed was 
 dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having 
 crossed himself, fell flat on the deck ; and the 
 chaplain and purser, who were stationed with 
 us in quality of assistants, followed his ex- 
 ample, while tho Welshman and I sat upon a 
 chest looking at one another with great dis- 
 composure, scarce able to refrain from tho 
 like prestation. And that tho reader may 
 know it was not a common occasion that 
 alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the 
 particulars of this dreadful din that asto- 
 nished us. Tiio fire of the Spaniards proceeded 
 from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar 
 and small arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six 
 iu Fort St. Joseph ; twenty in two fascine bat- 
 teries, and four men-of-war, mounting ^xty- 
 four guns each. This was answered by our 
 land-battery mounted with twenty-one can- 
 non, two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, 
 and five great ships of seventy or eighty guns, 
 that fired without intermission. 
 
 Wo hail not been many minutes engaged, 
 when one of tho sailors brought another on 
 his back to the cockpit, where he tossed 
 him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out 
 his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his 
 mouth Avithout speaking a word. Morgan 
 immediately examined the condition of tho 
 wounded man, and cried out, ' As I shall 
 answer now, the man is as tead as my great 
 grandfathei'.' ' Dead,' said his comrade ; ' ho 
 may bo dead noAv, for aught I know, but I'll 
 be d — d if he was not alive when I took him 
 up.' So saying, he was about to return to his 
 quarters, when 1 bade him carry the body 
 along with him, and throw it overboard. 
 ' D — n the body ! ' said he, ' I think 'tis fair 
 enough if I take care of my own.' My fellow 
 mate, siiatcliing up the amputation knife, 
 pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, 
 crying, ' You lousy rascal, is this the church- 
 yard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, 
 or the golgotha, of the ship r' — but was 
 stopped in his career by one calling, ' Yo ho, 
 avast there — scaldings ! ' ' Scaldings ! ' an- 
 swered Morgan ; ' Cot knows 'tis hot enough 
 indeed : who are you 'f' ' Here's one !' re- 
 plied tho voice ; and I immediately knew 
 it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rat- 
 tlin, who coming towards me, told me, with 
 great deliberation, he was come to be docked 
 at last, and discovered llie remains of one 
 hand, which had been shattered to pieces 
 with a grape ?hot. I lamented with un- 
 feigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore 
 with heroic courage, observing, that every 
 shot had its commission : ' It was well it did 
 
80 
 
 RODERICK' MANDOM. 
 
 not take him in the head ! or if it had, what 
 then ? ho should have died bravely, fighting 
 for his king and country. Death was a debt 
 which every man owed, and must pay ; and 
 that now was as well as another time.* I 
 was much pleased and edified with the max- 
 ims of this sea-philosopher, who endured the 
 amputation of liis left hand without shrink- 
 ing, the operation being performed (at his 
 request) by me, after Mackshane, who was 
 with difficultj' ])revailed to lift his head from 
 the ilecfc, had declared there was a necessity 
 for his losing the limb. 
 
 While I was employed in dressing the 
 stump, I asked Jack's opinion of the battle, 
 who, shaking his head, frankly told me, lie 
 believed we should do no good : ' For why ? bo- 
 cause, instead of dropping anchor close under 
 shore, where we should have to deal with 
 one corner of Bocca Chica only, wo had 
 opened the harboiir, and exposed ourselves 
 to the whole fire of the enemy from their 
 shipping and Foi-t St. Joseph, as well as from 
 the castle we intended to cannonaile ; that, 
 besides, we lay at too g^eat a distance to 
 damage the walls, and three parts in four of 
 our shot did not take i)laoe ; for there wtis 
 scarce anybody on board who understood the 
 pointing of a gun. Ah ! God help us ! ' con- 
 tinued he, ' if your kinsman, Lieutenant 
 Bowling, had been here, we should have had 
 other guess work.' By this time, our patients 
 had increa.sed to such a number, that wo did 
 not know which to begin with ; and the first 
 mate plainly told the surgeon, that if ho did 
 not got up immediately and perform his duty, 
 he would complain of his behaviour to the 
 admiral, and make application for his war- 
 rant. This remonstrance effectually roused 
 Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argu- 
 ment in which he thought his interest was 
 concerned ; he therefore rose up, and in order 
 to strengthen his resolution, had recourse 
 more than once to a case-bottlo of rum, which 
 ho freely communicated to the chaplain, and 
 purser, who hatl as much need of such extra- 
 ordinary inspiration as himself. Being thus 
 supported, ho went to work, and arms and 
 logs were hewed down without mercy. The 
 fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's 
 brain, conspired, with his former agitation of 
 spirits, to make him quite delirious ; ho 
 stripped himself to the skin ; and, besmear- 
 ing his bsdy with blood, could scarce bo 
 withheld from running upon deck in that 
 condition. Jack llattlin, scandalised at this 
 deportment, endeavoured to allay his tran- 
 sports with reason ; but finding all he said 
 ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned 
 by his frolics, he knocked him down with his 
 right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in 
 that state of humiliation. But it was not 
 In the power of rum to elevate the purser, 
 who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and 
 cursing the hour in which ho left his peace- 
 able profession of a brewer in Rochester, 
 
 to engage in such a life of terror and dis* 
 quiet. 
 
 While wo diverted ourselves at the ex- 
 pense of this poor devil, a shot happened to 
 take us between wind and water, and (its 
 course being through the purser's store room) 
 made a terrible havoc and noise amcng 
 the jars and bottles in its way, and dis- 
 concerted Mackshane so much, that he 
 dropped his scalpel, and falling down on hi.'5 
 knees, pronounced his /'nfer-jios/fT aloud: the 
 purser fell backward, and lay without sense 
 or motion ; and the chaplain grew so outra- 
 geous, that Rattlin with one hand could not 
 keep him under ; so that we were obliged to 
 confine him in the surgeon's cabin, where 
 ho was no doubt guilty of a thousand ex- 
 travagancies. Much about this time, my 
 old antagonist, Cramploy, camo down, witli 
 express orders, as he said, to bring me up to 
 the quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the 
 captain had received by a splinter : his rea.son 
 for honouring mo in particular with this 
 piece of service, being, that in case I should 
 be killed or disabled by tho way, my death 
 or mutilation woidd ho of less consequence 
 to tho ship's company than that of the doctor 
 or his first mate. At iuiother time, perhaps, 
 I might have disputed this order, to which I 
 was not bound to pay the least regard ; but 
 as I thought my reputation depended upon 
 my compliance, I was resolved to convince 
 my rival that I was no more afraid than he 
 of exposing myself to danger. With this view 
 I provided myself with dressings, and fol- 
 lowed him immediately to tlie (juarter-dock, 
 through a most infernal scone of slaughter, 
 fire, smoke, and uproar I Captain Oakum, 
 who leaned against the mizen-mast, no sooner 
 saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves 
 tucked up to my armpits, and my hands dyed 
 with blood, than he signified his displeasure 
 by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself 
 did not come ? I told him that Cramploy had 
 singled me out, as if by express command ; at 
 which reply he seemed surprised, and threat- 
 ened to puni^^h the midshipman for his pre- 
 sumption, after tho engagement. In tho 
 meantime, I was sent back to my station, 
 and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the cap- 
 tain expected him immediately. I got safo 
 back, and delivered my commission to tho 
 doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post as- 
 signed to him by his instructions ; whereupon 
 Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my re- 
 putation for courage, undertook the affair, 
 and ascended with great intrepidity. Tho 
 captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suf- 
 fered himself to be dressed, and swore he 
 would confine Mackshane as soon as the ser- 
 vice should be over. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 81 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers 
 gii\' the assault, and take the place without 
 Opposition — our sailors at the same tintc 
 &come masters of all the other strengths 
 mar Bocca Chica, and talce possession of 
 the harbour — the good consequence of this 
 success — u'e moi-e nearer the toum — find two 
 forte deserted, and tfie Channel blocked up 
 u'it\ sunk vessels ; which however we find 
 tneans to clear— land our soldiers at La 
 Quinta — repulse a body of militia — attack 
 the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to 
 retreat xdth great loss — the remains of our 
 anw) are re-emharked — an effort of the 
 Admiral to take the town— the economy of 
 ottr expedition described. 
 
 HAVING cannonaded tho fort during the 
 space of four hours, wo were all ordered 
 to slip our cables, and sheer off ; but next day 
 the engajjeinont was renewed, and continued 
 from the morning till tho afternoon, when tho 
 enemy's fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and 
 towards evening was quite silenced. A broach 
 being made on the other side, by our land bat- 
 tery, large enough to admit a middle-sized 
 baboon, provided he could find means to 
 climb up to it, our general proposed to give 
 the assault that very night, and actually or- 
 dered a detachment on that duty. Providence 
 stood our friend upon this occasion, and put 
 it into the hearts of tho Spaniards to abandon 
 the fort, which might have been maintained 
 by resolute men till tho day of judgment 
 against all the force we could exert in tho 
 attack. And while our soldiers took posses- 
 sion of the enemy's ramparts without resis- 
 tance, tho same good luck attended a body of 
 sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort 
 St. Joseph, the faacuio batteries, and ono 
 Spanish man-of-war ; tho other three being 
 burnt or sunk by the foo, that they might 
 not fall into our hands. Tho taking of those 
 forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards 
 chiefly confided, made us masters of tho out- 
 ward harbour, and occasioned great joy among 
 us, as wo laid our accounts at finding little or 
 no opposition from the town : and indeed, if 
 a few great ships had sailed up immediately, 
 before they had recovered from tho confusion 
 and despair that our unexpected success had 
 produced among them, it is not impossible 
 that wo might have finished the affair to our 
 satisfaction, without any moro bloodshed ; 
 but this step our heroes disdained as a bar- 
 barous insult over tho enemy's distress, and 
 gave them all tho respite they could desire, 
 in order to recollect themselves. 
 
 In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the 
 advantage of this general exultation, waited 
 on our captain, and ploa<.led his own cause so 
 effectually that he was re-established in his 
 good graces ; and as for Crampley, there was 
 no more notice taken of his behaviour to- 
 wards me during the action. But of all the 
 consequences of tho victory, none was more 
 
 grateful than plenty of fresh water, after wo 
 had languished five weeks on tho allowauoo 
 of a purser's quart per dicni, for each man in . 
 the Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, 
 and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that 
 a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the 
 waste of twenty-four hours ; especially as our 
 provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to 
 which tho sailors gave tho name of Irish 
 horso; salt pork, of New England, which, 
 though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of 
 both ; bread from the same countrj-, every 
 biscuit whereof, like a piece of clockwork, 
 moved bj' its own internal impulse, occasioned 
 by tho myriads of insects that dwelt within 
 it ; and butter served out by tho gill, that | 
 tasted like train oil thickened with salt. In- 
 stead of small boor, each man was allowed 
 three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which 
 wore distributed every morning, diluted with 
 a certain quantity of his water, without either 
 8ug;ir or fruit to render it palatable, for which 
 reason, this composition was by tho sailors 
 not inaptly styled Xccesi^ity. Nor was this 
 limitation of simple element owing to a scar- 
 city of it on board, for there was at this time 
 water enough in the ship for a voyage of six 
 months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day to 
 each man: but this fast must, I supi)Ose, have 
 been enjoined by way of penance on tho ship's 
 company for their sins ; or rather wich a view 
 to mortify them into a contempt of life, that 
 they might thereby become moro resolute and 
 regardless of danger. How simply then do 
 those people argue, who ascribe tho groat 
 mortality among us, to our bad provision and 
 •want of water ; and affirm, that a groat many 
 valuable lives might have been saved, if tho 
 usoloss transports had boon employed in fetch- 
 ing fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refresh- 
 ments from Jamaica and other adjacent islands, 
 for tho use of tho army and fleet ! seeing it is 
 to be hoped, that those who died wont to a 
 better place, and those who survived were 
 the moro easily maintained. After all, a suffi- ^ 
 cient number remained to fall before tho walls 
 of St. Lazar, where they behaved lik» their 
 own country mastiffs, which shut their oyos, 
 run into tho jaws of a bear, and have their 
 heads crushed for their valour. 
 
 But to return to my narration. After having 
 put garrisons into tho forts we had taken, and 
 re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece 
 of service that detained us moro than a week), 
 we ventured up to the mouth of tho inner 
 harbour, guarded by a largo fortification on 
 ono side, and a small redoubt on tho other, 
 both of which wore deserted befoi-o our ap- 
 
 E roach, and tho entrance of tho harbour 
 locked up by several old galleons, and two 
 men-of-war that tho enemy had sunk in tho 
 channel. We made shift, however, to open a 
 passage for some ships, that favoured a second 
 landing of our troops at a place called La 
 Quinta, not far from tho town, where, after a 
 faint resistance from a body of Spaniards, 
 who opposed their disembarkation, they en- 
 
82 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 camped with a design of besieging the castle 
 of St. Lazar, which overlooked and com- 
 manded the city. Whether our renowned 
 general had nobody in his army who knew 
 how to approach'it in form, or that he trusted 
 entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not 
 determine ; but, certain it is, a resolution was 
 taken in a comicil of war, to attack the place 
 with musketiy only. This was put in execu- 
 tion, and succeeded accordingly ; the enemy 
 giving them such a hearty reception, that the 
 greatest part of their detachment took up 
 their everlasting residence on the spot. 
 
 Our chief, not relishing this kind of com- 
 plaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough 
 to retreat on board with the remains of his 
 army, which, from eight thousand able men 
 landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was 
 now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. 
 The sick and wounded were squeezed into 
 certain vessels, which vthence obtained the 
 name of hospital ships, though methinks they 
 scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing 
 few of them could boast of their surgeon, 
 nurse, or cook ; and the space between decks 
 was so confined that the miserable patients 
 had not room to sit upright in their beds. 
 Their wounds and stumps, being neglected, 
 contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions 
 of maggots were hatched amidst the corrup- 
 tion of their sores. This inhuman disregard 
 was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons ; 
 though it is well known that every great ship 
 in the fleet could have spared one at least for 
 this duty, an expedient which would have 
 been more than sufficient to remove this 
 shocking inconvenience. But perhaps the 
 general was too much of a gentleman to ask 
 a favour of this kind from his fellow chief, 
 who, on the other hand, would not derogate 
 so much from his own dignitj', as to offer 
 such assistance unasked ; for, I may venture 
 to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Dis- 
 cord, with her sooty wings, had breathed her 
 influence upon our councils ; and it might bo 
 said of these great men (I hope they will par- 
 don the comparison) as of Ca3sar and Pompcy, 
 the one could not brook a superior, and the 
 other was impatient of an equal ; so that, be- 
 tween the pride of one and insolence of 
 another, the enterprise miscarried, according 
 to the proverb, ' Between two stools the back- 
 side falls to the ground.' Not that I would 
 be thought to liken any public concern to 
 that opprobrious part of the human body, 
 though I might with truth assert, if I durst 
 use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did 
 hang on arse at its disappointment on this 
 occasion ; neither would I presume to com- 
 pare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any 
 such wooden convenience as a joint-stool or a 
 close-stool ; but only to signify by this simile, 
 the mistake the people committed in trusting 
 to the union of two instruments that were 
 never joined. 
 ' A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, 
 the admiral ordered one of the Spanish men- 
 
 of-war we had taken to be mounted with six- 
 teen guns, and manned with detachments 
 from our great ships, in order to batter t'le 
 town; accordingly, she was towed into the 
 inner harbour in the night, and moored witain 
 half a mile of the walls, against which she 
 began to fire at daybreak ; and continued 
 about six hours exposed to the oppositijn of 
 at least thirty pieces of cannon, whijh at 
 length obliged our men to set her on fiie, and 
 get off as well as they could in their boats. 
 This piece of conduct afforded matter of spe- 
 culation to all the wits, either in the srmy or 
 navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge 
 it a stroke of policy above their conprehen- 
 sion. Some entertained such an irreverent 
 opinion of the admiral's understanding, as to 
 think he expected the tovm would surrender 
 to his floating battery of sixteen guns : othei-a 
 imagined his sole intention was to try the 
 enemy's strength, by which he should be able 
 to compute the number of great ships that 
 would be necessary to force the town to a 
 capitulation. But this last conjecture soon 
 appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of 
 any kind whatever were afterwards employed 
 on that service. A third sort swore, that no 
 other cause could be assigned for this under- 
 taking than that which induced Don Quixoto 
 to attack the "wdndmill. A fourth class (and 
 that the most numerous, though, without 
 doubt, composed of the sanguine and mali- 
 cious), plainly taxed this commander with 
 want of honesty as well as sense ; and alleged 
 that ho ought to have sacrificed private pique 
 to the interest of his country ; that, where 
 the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were 
 concerned, he ought to have concurred with 
 the general, without being solicited or even 
 desired, towards their preservation and ad- 
 vantage ; that, if his argumenis could not 
 dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it 
 was his duty to have rendered it as practicable 
 as possible, without running extreme hazard ; 
 that this could have been done, with a good 
 prospect of success, by ordering five or six 
 large ships to batter the town, while the land 
 forces stormed the castle ; by these means a 
 considerable diversion would have been made 
 in favour of those troops, who, in their march 
 to the assault and in the retreat, suffered 
 much more from the town than from the 
 castle ! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves 
 vigorously attacked on all hands, wonld have 
 been divided, distracted, and confus(!d,andin 
 all probability, unable to resist the assailants. 
 But all these suggestions surely proceeded 
 from ignorance or malevolence, or else the 
 admiral would not have found it such an easy 
 matter, at his return to PJngland, to justify his 
 conduct to a ministry at once so upright and 
 discerning. True it is, that those who under- 
 took to vindicate him on the spot, asserted, 
 that there was not water enough for our great 
 ships near the town : though this was a little 
 unfortunately urged, because there happened 
 to bo pilots in the fleet perfectly well ac- 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 83 
 
 quainted with the eoundings of the harbour, 
 ■w^o affirmed there was water enough for five 
 oishty-gun ships to lie abreast almost up to 
 thft very walls. The disappointments we 
 suffered occasioned a universal dejection, 
 whieh was not at all alleviated by the objects 
 that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor 
 by the prospect of what must have inevitably 
 happened, had we remained much longer in 
 tl*is place. Such was the economy in some 
 ships that, rather than be at the trouble of 
 interring the dead, their commanders ordered 
 their men to throw their bodies overboard, 
 many without either ballast or winding, 
 sheet ; so that numbers of human carcases 
 floated in the harbour, untU they were de- 
 voured by sharks and carrion crows, which 
 aftbrded no agreeable spectacle to those who 
 survived. At the same time the wet season 
 began, during which a deluge of rain falls, 
 from the rising to the setting of the sun, with- 
 out intermission ; and that no sooner ceases 
 than it begins to thunde, and lighten with 
 such continued flashing, that one can see to 
 read a very small print by the iUumiuation. ^ 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 An epidemic Fever rarjcs among us — we aban- 
 - don our Conquests — I am seized with 
 IHstempcr — write a Petition to the Captain, 
 which is rejected — I am in danger of Suffo- 
 cation through the Malice of Crampley, and 
 relieved by a Serjeant — my Fever increases 
 — the Cluiplain wants to confess me — / ob- 
 tain a favourable Crisis — Morgan's Affection 
 for me proved — the Behavioxir ofMackshane 
 and Crampley to^vards me — Captain Oakum 
 is removed into another Ship vAth his he- 
 loved Doctor — our netw Captain described — 
 An Adventure of Morgan. 
 
 THE change of the atmosphere, occasioned 
 by this phenomenon, conspired, with the 
 stench that surrounded us, the heat of the 
 climate, our own constitutions, impoverished 
 by bad provisions, and our despair, to intro- 
 duce the bilious fever among us, which raged 
 with such violence, that three-fourths of those 
 whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner ; 
 the colour of their skin being, by the extreme 
 putrefaction of the juices, changed into that 
 of soot. 
 
 Our conductors, finding things in this situa- 
 tion, perceived it was high time to relinquish 
 our conquests ; and thi.s Ave did, after having 
 rendered their artillery useless, and blown up 
 their walls with gunpowder. Just as we 
 sailed from Bocca Ohica, on our return to 
 Jamaica, I found myself threatened vnth the 
 symptoms of this terrible distemper ; and 
 knowing very well that I stood no chance for 
 my life, if I should be obliged to lie in the 
 cockpit, which by this time was grown into- 
 lerable, even to people in health, by reason of 
 the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed 
 provision, I wrote a petition to the captain, 
 
 representing my case, and humbly imploring 
 his permission to lie among the soldiers in the 
 middle deck, for the benefit of the air : .but I 
 might have spared myself the trouble ; for 
 this humane commander refused my request, 
 andordered me tocontinuein the place allotted 
 for the surgeon's mates, or else be contented 
 to lie in the hospital, which, by the by, was 
 three degrees more off'ensive and more suffo- 
 cating than our own berth below. Another, 
 in my condition, perhaps, would have sub- 
 mitted to his fate, and died in a pet ; but I 
 could not brook the thought of perishing so 
 pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales 
 of hard fortune : I therefore, without minding 
 Oakum's injunction, prevailed upon the sol- 
 diers (whose good-will I had acquired) to 
 admit my hammock among them ; and ac- 
 tually congratulated myself upon my comfort- 
 able situation ; which Crampley no sooner 
 understood, than he signified to the captain 
 my contempt of his orders, and was invested 
 with power to turn me down again into my 
 proper habitation. 
 
 This barbarous piece of revenge incensed 
 me so much against the author, that I vowed, 
 with bitter imprecations, to call him to a 
 severe account, if ever it should be in my 
 power; and the agitation of my spirits in- 
 creased my fever to a violent degree. Wliilo 
 I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, 
 I was visited by a sergeant, the bones of 
 whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, 
 after they had been demolished by a splinter 
 during our last engagement; he, being in- 
 formed of my condition, ofi'ered me the use 
 of his berth in the middle deck, which was 
 enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a 
 port-hole that remained open within it. I 
 embraced this proposal with joy, and was 
 immediately conducted to the place, where I 
 was treated, while my illness lasted, ■with the 
 utmost tenderness and care by this grateful 
 halberdier, who had no other bed for hinjself 
 than a hencoop during the whole passage. 
 Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwith- 
 standing which my malady gained ground, 
 and at length my life was despaired of, 
 though I never lost hopes of recovery, even 
 when I had the mortification to see, from my 
 cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard 
 every day, who died of the same distemper. 
 This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a 
 great deal to the preservation of my life, 
 especially when joined to another resolution 
 I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse aU 
 medicine, which I could not help thinking co- 
 operated with the disease, and, instead of 
 resisting putrefaction, promoted a total de- 
 generacy of the vital fluid. When my friend 
 Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic 
 boluses, I put them into my mouth, 'tis true, 
 but without any intention of swallowing 
 them : and, when he went away, spit them 
 out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. 
 I seemingly complied in this matter, that I 
 might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by 
 
84 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 a refusal which might have intimated a diffi- 
 denco of his physical capacity, for he acted 
 as my physician ; Doctor Mackshane never 
 once inquiring about me, or even knowing 
 where I was." When my distemper -was at 
 the height, Morgan thought my case despe- 
 rate, and, after having applied a blister to 
 the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bid- 
 ding me, with a woful countenance, recom- 
 mend myself to Cot and my Eeteemer ; then, 
 taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come 
 and administer some spiritual consolation to 
 me ; but, before he arrived, I made shift to 
 rid myself of the troublesome application the 
 Welshman had bestowed on my back. The 
 person, having felt my pulse, inqiiired into 
 the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, 
 and began thus : ' Mr. Random, God out of 
 his infinite mercy has been pleased to visit 
 you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of 
 which no man knows. You may be permitted 
 to recover and live many days on the face of 
 the earth ; and, which is more probable, you 
 may be taken away, and cut off in the flower 
 of your youth. It is incumbent on you, 
 therefore, to prepare for the great change, by 
 repenting sincerely of your sins ; of this there 
 cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous 
 confession, which I conjure you to make 
 without hesitation or mental reservation ; 
 and, when I am convinced of your sincerity, 
 I wiU then give you such comfort as the situ- 
 ation of your soul will admit of. Without 
 doubt, you have been guilty of numberless 
 transgressions to which youth is subject, as 
 swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adul- 
 tery : tell me therefore, without reserve, the 
 particulars of each, especially of the last, 
 that I may be acquainted with the true state 
 of your conscience ; for no physician will 
 prescribe for his patient until he knows the 
 circumstances of his disease.' 
 
 As I was not under any apprehensions of 
 death, I could not help smiling at the chap- 
 lain's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told 
 him savoured more of the Roman than of the 
 Protestant church, in recommending auricu- 
 lar confession ; a thing, in my opinion, not 
 at all necessary to salvation, and which, for 
 that reason, I declined. This reply discon- 
 certed him a little ; however, he explained 
 away his meaning, in making learned distinc- 
 tions between what was absolutely necessary 
 and what was only convenient; then pro- 
 ceeded to ask what religion I professed. I 
 answered, that I had not as yet considered 
 the difference of religions, consequently had 
 not fixed on any one in particular, but that I 
 was bred a jiresbyterian. At this word the 
 chaplain expressed great astonishment, and 
 said, he could not comprehend how a presby- 
 terian was entitled to any post under the 
 English government. Then he asked if I 
 had ever received the sacrament, or taken 
 the oaths ; to which questions, I replying in 
 the negative, he held up his hands, assured 
 me he oould do me no service, ■wished I might 
 
 not be in a state of reprobation, and returned 
 to his messmates, who were malring merry 
 in the ward-room, round a table well stored 
 with bumbo* and wine. This insinuation, 
 terrible as it was, had not such an eft'ect 
 upon me as the fever, which, soon after he 
 had left me, grew outrageous. I began to 
 see strange chimeras, and concluded myself 
 upon the point of being delirious ; in the 
 meantime, being in great danger of suffoca- 
 tion, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, 
 with an intention to plunge myself into the 
 sea ; and, as my friend the sergeant was not 
 present, would certainly have cooled myself 
 to some purpose, had I not perceived a mois- 
 ture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get 
 out of my hammock : the appearance of this 
 revived my hopes, and I had reflection and 
 resolution enough to take the advantage of 
 this favourable symptom, by tearing the 
 shirt from my body, and the sheets from my 
 bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, 
 in which inclosure, fer about a quarter 
 of an hour, felt all the pains of hell : but it 
 was not long before I was recompensed for 
 my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, burst- 
 ing from the whole surface of my skin, in less 
 than two hovirs, relieved me from all my 
 complaints except that of weakness ; and left 
 me as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very com- 
 fortable nap, after which I was regaling 
 myself with the agreeable reverie of future 
 happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the out- 
 side of the curtain, ask the sergeant if I was 
 alive still ? ' Alive ! ' cried the other, ' God 
 forbid he should be otherwise ! he has lain 
 quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to 
 disturb him, for sleep will do him great 
 service.' ' Ay,' said my fellow-mate, ' he 
 sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not 
 waken till the great trump plows — Cot be 
 merciful to his soul. He has paid his debt 
 like an honest man — ay, and moreover, he is 
 at rest from all persecutions, and troubles, 
 and afflictions, of Avhich, Cot knows, and I 
 know, he had his own share • — • Ochree ! 
 Ochree ! he was a promising youth indeed ! ' 
 So saying he groaned grievously, and began to 
 whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he 
 had a real friendship for me. The sergeant, 
 alarmed at his words, came into the berth, 
 and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and 
 tipped him the wink : he immediately guessed 
 my meaning and remaining silent, Morgan 
 was confirmed in his opinion of my being 
 dead ; whereupon ho approached, with tears 
 in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with 
 a sight of the object : and I counterfeited 
 death so well, by fixing my eyes and dropping 
 my under-jaw, that ho said, ' There he lies, 
 no petter than a lump of clay. Cot help me ! ' 
 and observed, by the distortion of my face, 
 that I must have had a strong struggle. 
 I should not have been able to contain 
 
 • Bumbo is a liquor Qoniposed of rum, sugai-, water, and. 
 nutmeg, 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 85 
 
 myself much longer, wlien he began to per- 
 form the last duty of a friend, in closing my 
 eyes and my mouth ; upon which I suddenly 
 snapped at his lingers, and discomposed him 
 so much that he started back, turned pale as 
 ashes, and stared like the picture of horror ; 
 although I could not help laughing at his 
 appearance, I was concerned for his situation, 
 and stretched out my hand, telling him I 
 hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of 
 his making in England. It was some time 
 before he could recollect himself so far as to 
 feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars 
 of my disease ; but when he found 1 had 
 enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated 
 me upon my good fortune ; not failing to 
 ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had 
 applied to my back, at his last visit ; which, 
 by the bye, said he, must now be removed 
 and dressed ; he was actually going to fetch 
 dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, 
 said, ' Bless me ! sure you never applied a 
 blister to me — there is nothing on my back, I 
 assure you.' But he could not be convinced 
 tiU. he had examined it, and then endeavoured 
 to conceal his confusion, by expressing his 
 surprise in finding the skin untouched and 
 the plaster missing. In order to excuse 
 myself for paying so little regard to his pre- 
 scription, I pretended to have been insensible 
 when it was put on, and to have pulled it off 
 afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology 
 satisfied my friend, who, on this occasion, 
 abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard 
 to punctilio ; and as we were now safely 
 arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit 
 of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I 
 recovered strength every day, and, in a short 
 time, my health and vigour were perfectly re- 
 established. 
 
 When I got up at first, and was just able 
 to crawl about the deck with a staff in my 
 hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed 
 by me with a disdainful look, and did not 
 vouchsafe to honour me with one word. After 
 him came Crampley, who, strutting up to 
 me with a fierce countenance, pronounced, 
 ' Here's fine discipline on-board, when such 
 lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are 
 allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at 
 your ease, while your betters are kept to 
 hard duty ! ' The sight and behaviour of this 
 malicious scoundrel enraged me so much that 
 I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel 
 across his pate ; but when I considered my 
 present feebleness, and the enemies I had in 
 the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin 
 me, I restrained my passion, and contented 
 myself with telling him, I had not forgot his 
 insolence and malice, and that I hoped we 
 should meet one day on shore. At this de- 
 claration he grinned, shook his fist, and 
 swore he longed for nothing more than such 
 an opportunity. 
 
 Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be 
 heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her 
 returpu to England ; an^ our oaptain, for some 
 
 reason or other, not thinking it convenient 
 for him to revisit his native country at this 
 time, exchanged with a gentleman, who, on 
 the other hand, wished for nothing so much 
 as to be safe without the tropic : all his care 
 and tenderness of himself being insufficient to 
 preserve his complexion from the injuries of 
 the sun and weather. 
 
 Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried 
 his favourite Mackshane along with him, to 
 my inexpressible satisfaction, our new com- 
 mander came on board in a ten-oared barge, 
 overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and ap- 
 peared in everything the reverse of Oakum, 
 being a tall, thin young man, dressed in this 
 manner : a white hat, garnished with a red 
 feather, adorned his head, from whence his 
 hair flowed upon his shoidders, in ringlets 
 tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, consist- 
 ing of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by 
 the elegance of the cut retired backward, as 
 it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat 
 embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the 
 upper part to display a brooch set with 
 garnets, that glittered in the breast of his 
 shirt, which was of the finest cambric, edged 
 with right Mechlin : the knees of his crimson 
 velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to 
 meet his silk stockings, which rose without 
 spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes 
 of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond 
 buckles that flamed forth rivals to the sun ! 
 A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and 
 decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down 
 in a rich tassel, equipped his side ; and an 
 amber-headed cane hung dangling from his 
 wrist. But the most remarkable parts of his 
 furniture were, a mask on his face, and white 
 gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be 
 put on with an intention to be pulled off occa- 
 sionally, but were fixed with a curious ring 
 on the little finger of each hand. 
 
 In this garb. Captain Whiffle, for that was 
 his name, took possession of the ship, sur- 
 rounded with a crowd of attendants, all of 
 whom, in their different degrees, seemed to be 
 of their patron's disposition ; and the air was 
 so impregnated with perfumes, that one may 
 venture to affirm the climate of Arabia Felix 
 was not half so sweet-scented. My fellow- 
 mate, observing no surgeon among his train, 
 thought he had found an occasion too favour- 
 able for himself to be neglected ; and, remem- 
 bering the old proverb, ' Spare to speak, and 
 spare to speed,' resolved to solicit the new 
 captain's interest immediately, before any 
 other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. 
 With this view he repaired to the cabin in his 
 ordinary dress, consisting of a check shirt and 
 trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a 
 nightcap of the same (neither of them very 
 clean,) which, for his further misfortune, hap- 
 pened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering 
 without any ceremony into this sacred place, 
 he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a 
 couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about 
 his body, and a muslin cap bordered with 
 
86 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 lace about his head; and after several low 
 congees began in this manner : ' Sir, I hope 
 you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the 
 presumption of one who has not the honour 
 of being known to you, but who is, never- 
 theless, a shentleman porn and pred, and 
 moreover, has had misfortunes, Cot help me, 
 in the world.' 
 
 Here he was interrupted by the captain, 
 who, on seeing him, had started up with great 
 amazement, at the novelty of the apparition ; 
 and, having recollected himself, pronounced 
 with a look and tone signifying disdain, curio- 
 sity, and surprise, ' Zauns ! who art thou ? ' 
 ' I am surgeon's first mate on board of this 
 ship,' replied Morgan : ' and I most vehe- 
 mently desire and beseech you, with all sub- 
 mission, to be pleased to condescend and 
 vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and 
 my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under 
 Cot, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of 
 surgeon.' As he proceeded in his speech, he 
 continued advancing towards the captain, 
 whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with 
 the aromatic iiavour that exhaled from him, 
 than ho cried with great emotion, ' Heaven 
 preserve me ! I am suffocated ! Fellow, fellow, 
 away with thee I Curse thee, fellow ! get thee 
 gone ! I shaU be stunk to death ! ' At the 
 noise of his outcries, his servants ran into 
 his apartment, and he accosted them thus : 
 ' Villains ! cut-throats ! traitors ! I am be- 
 trayed ! I am sacrificed ! WiU you not carry 
 that monster away ? or must I be stifled Avith 
 the stench of him ? oh, oh ! ' With these in- 
 terjections ho sank down upon his settee in a 
 fit : his valet-de-chambre plied him with a 
 smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his tem- 
 ples with Hungary water, another sprinkled 
 the floor with spirits of lavender, a third 
 pushed Morgan out of the cabin ; who 
 coming to the place where I was, sat down 
 with a demure countenance, and, according 
 to his custom, when he received any indignity 
 which he durst not revenge, began to sing a 
 Welsh ditty. 
 
 I guessed he was under some agitation of 
 spirits, and desired to know the cause ; but, 
 instead of answering me directly, he asked 
 with groat emotion, if I thought him a mon- 
 ster and a stinkard ? ' A monster and a- 
 stinkard ! ' said I, with some surprise : ' did 
 anybody call you so ? ' ' Cot is my judge,' 
 replied he, ' Captain Fiflo did call me both ; 
 ay, and all the waters in the Tawy will not 
 wash it out of my remembrance. I do afiirm 
 and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and 
 my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have 
 no smells apout me, but such as a Christian 
 ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, 
 which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic 
 herb ; and he is a son of a mountain goat who 
 says otherwise. As for my being a monster, 
 let that be as it is : I am as Cot was pleased 
 to create mo, which, peradventure, is more 
 than I shall ever aver of him who gave me 
 that title j for I will proclaim it before tho 
 
 world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, 
 and transmogrified, with aflectation and 
 whimseys ; and that he is more like a papoon 
 than one of the human race.' 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 Ca/ptain Whiffle sends for me — Ms situation 
 described — his surgeon arrives, prescribes for 
 him, and pit^ts him to bed — a bed is put up 
 for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, 
 which, with other parts of the captain's be- 
 haviour, gives the ship's company a iiery 
 unfavourable idea of their commander — I 
 am detained in the West Indies by the ad- 
 miral, and go on board of the Lizard sloop 
 of tear in quality of surgeon's mate, where I 
 inake myself known to the surgeon, who 
 treats me very kindly — I go on shore, sell 
 my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my 
 return on hoard, am sur2msed at the sight 
 of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of 
 the sloop — we sail on a cridse — take a prize 
 in which I arrive at Port Morant under the 
 command of my messmate, ivith whom I live 
 in great harmony, 
 
 HE Avas going on with an eulogium upon 
 the captain, when I received a message 
 to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin : 
 and with this command I instantly complied, 
 sweetening myself with rose-water from the 
 medicine chest. When I entered the room, I 
 was ordered to stand by the door, until Captain 
 Whiflle had reconnoitered me at a distance 
 with a spy-glass. He, having consulted one 
 sense in this manner, bade me advance gradu- 
 ally, that his nose might have intelligence 
 before it could be much offended : I therefore 
 approached with great caution and success, 
 and he was pleased to say, ' Ay, this creature 
 is tolerable.' I found him lolling on hia 
 couch with a languishing air, his head sup- 
 ported by his valet-de-chambre, who from 
 time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his 
 nose. ' Vergette,' said he in a squeaking tone, 
 ' dost think this wretch (meaning me) will do 
 me no injury ? May I venture to submit my 
 arm to him ?' ' Pon my vord,' replied the 
 valet, ' I do tink dat dere be great occasion 
 for your honour losing one small quantite of 
 blodt ; and the young man ave quelque chose 
 of de bonne mine.' ' Well, then,' said his 
 master, ' I think I must venture.' Then, ad- 
 dressing himself to me, ' Hast thou ever 
 blooded anybody but brutes ? But I need not 
 ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most d — able 
 lie.' ' Brutes, sir !' answered I, pulling down 
 his glove, in order to feel his piilse, ' I never 
 meddle with brutes.' ' What the devil art 
 thou about ?' cried he, ' dost thou intend to 
 twist oS" my hand ?' Gad's curse ! my arm is 
 benumbed up to the very shoulder ! Heaven 
 have mercy upon me ! must I perish under 
 tho hands of savages ? What an unfortunate 
 dog was I to come on board without my own 
 surgeon, Mr. Simper.' I craved pardon for 
 
RODERICK BANDOMi 
 
 87 
 
 having handled him so roughly, and, with the 
 utmost care and tenderness, tied up his arm 
 with a fillet of silk. WhUe I was feeling for 
 the vein, he desired to know how much blood I 
 intended to take from him, and, when I an- 
 swered, ' not above twelve ounces,' started up 
 with a look full of horror, and bade me be 
 gone, swearing I had a design upon his life. 
 Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and, 
 opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, 
 in one of which was placed a small cup ; 
 and, putting them into my hand, told me, the 
 captain never lost above an ounce and three 
 drams at one time. 
 
 While I prepared for this important evacu- 
 ation, there came into the cabin a young man 
 gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion, 
 with a kind of languid smile on his face, 
 which seemed to have been rendered habitual 
 by a long course of affectation. The captain 
 no sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, 
 he flew into his arms, crying, ' 0, my dear 
 Simper, I am excessively disordered ! I have 
 been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the 
 negligence of my servants, who suffered a 
 beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and 
 stink me into convulsions with the fumes of 
 tobacco.' Simper, who by this time, I found, 
 was obliged to art for the clearness of his 
 complexion, assumed an air of softness and 
 sympathy, and lamented with many tender 
 expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that 
 had thrown him into that condition; then, 
 feeling his patient's pulse on the outside of 
 his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his dis- 
 order was entirely nervous, and that some 
 drops of tincture of castor, and liquid lauda- 
 num, would be of more service to him than 
 bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of 
 his spirits, and composing the fermentation 
 of his bile, I was therefore sent to prepare 
 this prescription, which was administered in 
 a glass of sack posset, after the captain had 
 been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers 
 on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on 
 that side under which he lay. 
 
 While the captain enjoyed his repose, the 
 doctor watched over him, and indeed became 
 so necessary, that a cabin was made for him 
 contiguous to the state room where Whiffle 
 slept, that he might be at hand in case of 
 accidents in the night. Next day, our com- 
 mander being happily recovered, gave orders 
 that none of the lieutenants should appear 
 upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles ; 
 nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, 
 bo seen with a check shirt or dirty linen. He 
 also prohibited any person whatever, except 
 Simper and his own servants, from coming 
 into the great cabin without first sending in 
 to obtain leave. These singular regulations 
 did not prepossess the ship's company in his 
 favour : but, on the contrary, gave scandal an 
 opportunity to be very busy with his charac- 
 ter, and accuse him of maintaining a cor- 
 respondence with his surgeon not fit to bo 
 named. 
 
 In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing 
 orders, I was in hope of revisiting my native 
 country, in a very short time, when tlie ad- 
 miral's surgeon came on board, and, sending 
 for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave 
 us to understand there was a great scarcity 
 of surgeons in the West Indies ; that he was 
 commanded to detain one mate out of every 
 great ship that was bound for England ; and 
 desired us to agree between ourselves, before 
 the next day at that hour, which of us should 
 stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this 
 proposal, and stared at one another some 
 time without speaking ; at length the Welsh- 
 man broke silence, and offered to remain in 
 the West Indies, provided the admiral would 
 give him a surgeon's warrant immediately ; 
 but he was told there was no want of chief 
 surgeons, and that he must be contented with 
 the station of mate, till he should be further 
 provided for in due course. Whereupon 
 Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for 
 which the commissioners of the navy had ap- 
 pointed him ; and the other told him as 
 plainly, that if we could not determine 
 the afi"air by ourselves before to-morrow 
 morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his 
 chance. 
 
 ^Vhen I recalled to my remembrance the 
 miseries I had undergone in England, where 
 I had not one friend to promote my interest, 
 or favour my advancement in the navy, and 
 at the same time reflected on the present 
 dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and 
 the unhealthiness of the climate, which every 
 day almost reduced the number, I could not 
 help thinking my success would be much more 
 certain and expeditious by my staj'ing where 
 I was, than by returning to Europe. I there- 
 fore resolved to comply with a good grace, 
 and next day, when we were ordered to throw 
 dice, told Morgan he needed not trouble him- 
 self, for I would voluntarily submit to the 
 admiral's pleasure. This frank declaration 
 was commended by the gentleman, who as- 
 sured me, it should not fare the worse with 
 me for my resignation. Indeed he was as 
 good as his word, and that very afternoon 
 procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon's 
 mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war, which put 
 me on a footing with every first mate in the 
 service. 
 
 My ticket being made out, I put my chest 
 and bedding on board a canoe that lay along- 
 side, and, having shook hands with my trusty 
 friend the sergeant, and honest Jack Eattlin, 
 who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I 
 took my leave of Morgan with many tears, 
 after we had exchanged our sleeve buttons as 
 remembrances of each other. Having pre- 
 sented my new warrant to the captain of the 
 Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no 
 sooner saw than I recollected him to be one of 
 those young fellows with whom I had been 
 committed to the round-house, during our fro- 
 lic with Jackson, as I have related before. He 
 received me with a ffood deal of courtesy, and, 
 
88 
 
 -ROBERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ■when I put him in mind of our former ac- 
 quaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me 
 again, and recommended me to an exceeding 
 good mess, composed of the gunner and mas- 
 ter's mate. As there was not one sick person 
 in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day 
 with the gunner, who recommended me to a 
 Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate of 
 forty per cent discount ; and, having furnished 
 myself with the necessaries I wanted, returned 
 on board in the evening, and, to my surprise, 
 found my old antagonist Crampley walking 
 upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, 
 I was shocked at his appearance, and commu- 
 nicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. 
 Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Cramp- 
 ley, by dint of some friends about the admiral, 
 had procured a commission, constituting him 
 lieutenant on board the Lizard ; and advised 
 me, now he was my superior officer, to behave 
 with some respect towards him, or else he 
 would find a thousand opportunities of using 
 me ill. This advice was a bitter potion to me, 
 whom pride and resentment had rendered ut- 
 terly incapable of the least submission to, or 
 even of a reconciliation with, the ■wretch who 
 had, on many occasions, treated me so inhu- 
 manly : however, I resolved to have as little 
 connection as possible with him, and to ingra- 
 tiate myself as much as I could with the rest 
 of the officers, whose friendship might bo a 
 bulwark to defend me from the attempts of 
 his malice. 
 
 In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, 
 and having weathered the east end of the is- 
 land, had the good fortune to take a Spanish 
 barcolongo, with her prize, which was an 
 English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed 
 from Jamaica a fortnight before, without 
 convoy. All the prisoners who were well, 
 we put on shore on the north side of the is- 
 land ; the prizes were manned with English- 
 men, and the command of the barcolongo 
 given to my friend the master's mate, with 
 orders to carry them into Port Morant, and 
 there to remain until the Lizard's cruise should 
 be ended, at which time she would touch at the 
 same place in her way to Port Eoyal. With 
 him I was sent to attend the wounded Spa- 
 niards as well as Englishmen, who amounted 
 to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore 
 in a house that was to be hired as an hospital. 
 This destination gave me a great deal of plea- 
 sure, as I should, for some time, be freed from 
 the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy 
 against me had already broken out on two or 
 three occasions since he was become a lieu- 
 tenant. My messmate, who very much re- 
 sembled my uncle, both in figure and disposi- 
 tion, treated me on board of the prize with 
 the utmost civility and confidence : and, 
 among other favours, made me a present of 
 a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols 
 mounted with the same metal, which fell to 
 his share in plundering the enemy. We ar- 
 rived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, 
 pitched upon an empty storehouse, which we 
 
 hired for the reception of the wounded, who 
 were brought to it next day, with beds and 
 other necessaries ; and four of the ship's com- 
 pany appointed to attend them and obey me. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 A strange adventure — in consequence of which 
 I am extremely happy — Crampley does me i 
 ill offices with the Captain ; hut his malice ' 
 *is defeated by the good-nature and friend- 
 ship of the surgeon — rve return to Port 
 Royal — our Captain gets the command of a 
 larger ship, and is succeeded by an old man 
 — Brayl is provided for — we receive orders 
 to sail for England. 
 
 WHEN my patients were all in a fair way, 
 my companion and commander, whose 
 name was Brayl, carried me up the country 
 to the house of a rich planter, with whom he 
 was acquainted, where we were sumptuously 
 entertained, and in the evening set out on our 
 return to the ship. When we had walked i 
 about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a " 
 horseman behind us, who coming up, wished 
 us good even, and asked which way we went ? 
 His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no 
 sooner struck my ear, than in spite of all my 
 resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up, 
 and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, 
 which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be 
 under no concern. I told him he was mis- j 
 taken in the cause of my disorder ; and, ad- 
 dressing myself to the person on horseback, J 
 said, ' I could have sworn by your voice, that 1 
 you were a dear friend of mine, if I had not 
 been certain of his death.' To this address, 
 after some pause, he replied, ' There are many 
 voices as well as faces that resemble one an- 
 other; but, pray, what was your friend's 
 name?' I satisfied him in that particular, 
 and gave a short detail of the melancholy 
 fate of Thompson, not without many sierhs 
 and some tears. A silence ensued, which 
 lasted some minutes, and then the conversa- 
 tion turned on different subjects, till we 
 arrived at a house on the road, where the 
 horseman alighted, and bogged with so much 
 earnestness that we would go in and drink a 
 bowl of punch with him, that we could not 
 resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, 
 what must my amazement be, when I dis- 
 covered by the light the very per.son of my 
 lamented friend ! Perceiving my confusion, 
 which was extreme, he clasped me in his 
 arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It 
 was some time ere I recovered the use of my 
 reason, overpowered with this event, and 
 longer still before I could speak. So that all 
 I was capable of was to return his embraces, 
 and to mingle the overflowings of my joy 
 with his ; whilst honest Brayl, aS"ected with 
 the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and , 
 signified his participation of our happiness I 
 by hugging us both, and capering about the 
 room like a madman. At length, I retrieved 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 89 
 
 the use of my tongue, and cried, ' Is ib pos- 
 sible ! you can be my friend Thompson ? No 
 certainly, alas ! he was drowned ; and I am 
 now under the deception of a dream !' He 
 was at great pains to convince me of his 
 being the individual person whom I regretted, 
 and bidding me sit down and compose myself, 
 promised to explain his sudden disappearance 
 from the Thunder, and to account for his 
 being at present in the land of the living. 
 This task he acquitted himself of, after I had 
 drunk a glass of punch, and recollected my 
 spirits, by informing us, that with a determi- 
 nation to rid himself of a miserable existence, 
 he had gone in the night-time to the head, 
 while the ship was on her way, from whence 
 he slipped down as softly as he could, by the 
 bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily 
 ducked, he began to repent of his precipita- 
 tion ; and, as he could swim very well, kept 
 himself above water, in hopes of being taken 
 up by some of the ships astern ; that, in this 
 situation, ho hailed a large vessel, and begged 
 to be taken in, but was answered that she was 
 a heavy sailer, and therefore they did not 
 choose to lose time bj' bringing to ; however, 
 they threw an old chest overboard for his 
 convenience, and told him, that some of the 
 ships astern would certainly save him ; that 
 no other vessel came within sight or cry of 
 him for the space of three hours, during 
 which time he had the mortification to find 
 himself in the middle of the ocean alone, 
 without other support or resting-place, but 
 what a few crazy boards afforded ; till at last 
 he discerned a small sloop steering towards 
 him, upon whi«h ho set up his throat, and 
 had the good fortune to be heard and 
 rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, 
 which was hoisted out on purpose. 
 
 ' I was no sooner brought on board,' con- 
 tinued he, ' than I fainted, and, when I reco- 
 vered my senses, found myself in bed, re- 
 galed with a most noisome smell of onions 
 and cheese, which made me think at first that I 
 was in my own hammock, alongside of honest 
 Morgan, and that all which had passed was 
 no more than a dream. Upon inquiry, I 
 understood that I was on board of a schooner 
 belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, 
 with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and 
 cheese, and that the master's name was 
 Eobcrtson, by birth a North Briton, whom I 
 knew at first sight to be an old schoolfellow 
 of mine. When I discovered myself to him, 
 he was transported with surprise and joy, 
 and begged to know the occasion of my mis- 
 fortune, which I did not think fit to disclose, 
 because I knew his notions with regard to 
 religion were very severe and confined ; 
 therefore contented myself with telling him 
 I fell overboard by accident ; but made no 
 scruple of explaining the nature of my dis- 
 agreeable station, and of acquainting him 
 with my determined purpose never to return 
 to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he 
 was not of my opinion in that particular, 
 
 knowing that I must lose my clothes and 
 what pay was due to me, unless I went back 
 to my duty ; yet, when I described the cir- 
 cumstances of the hellish life I led under the 
 tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; 
 and, among other grievances, hinted a dis- 
 satisfaction at the irreligious deportment of 
 my shipmates, and the want of the true 
 presbyterian gospel doctrine ; he changed his 
 sentiments, and conjured me with great 
 vehemence and zeal to lay aside all thought 
 of rising in the navy ; and, that he might 
 show how much he had my interest at heart, 
 undertook to provide for me in some shape or 
 other, before he should leave Jamaica. This 
 promise he performed to my heart's desire, 
 by recommending me to a gentleman of for- 
 tune, with whom I have lived ever since in 
 quality of surgeon and overseer to his plan- 
 tations. Ho and his lady are now at Kings- 
 ton, so that I am, for the present, master of 
 this house, to which, from my soul, I bid you 
 welcome, and hope you will favour me with 
 your company during the remaining part of 
 the night.' 
 
 I needed not a second invitation ; but Mr. 
 Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent offi- 
 cer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of 
 the ship ; however, ho supped with us, and, 
 after having drunk a cheerful glass, set out 
 for the vessel, which was not above three 
 miles from the place, escorted by a couple of 
 stout negroes, whom Mr. Thompson ordered 
 to conduct him. Never were two friends 
 more happy in the couversation of each other 
 than we, for the time it lasted. I related to 
 him the particulars of our attempt upon Car- 
 thagena, of which ho had heard but an im- 
 perfect account ; and he gratified me with a 
 narration of every little incident of his life 
 since we parted. He assured me, it was with 
 the utmost difficulty he could resist his incli- 
 nation of coming down to Port Royal, to see 
 Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no 
 tidings since the day of our separation : but 
 that he was restrained by the fear of being 
 detained as a deserter. He told me that, 
 when ho heard my voice in the dark, he was 
 almost as much surprised as I was at seeing 
 him afterwards : and, in the confidence of 
 friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained 
 for the only daughter of the gentleman with 
 whom he lived, who, by his description, was 
 a very amiable young lady, and did not dis- 
 dain his addresses ; that ho was very much 
 favoured by her parents, and did not despair 
 of obtaining their consent to the nvatch, 
 which would at once render him independent 
 of the world. I congratulated him on his 
 good fortune, which he protested should never 
 make him forget his friends ; and, towi^rds 
 morning, we betook ourselves to rest. 
 
 Next day he accompanied me to the ship, 
 where Mr. Brayl entertained him at diuher, 
 and we having spent the afternoon together, 
 he took his leave of us in the wening, after 
 he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small 
 
90 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM-. 
 
 token of his affection. In short, while he 
 stayed here, we saw one another every day, 
 and g'enerally ate at the same table, which 
 was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds 
 of poultry, butcher's meat, orang'es, limes, 
 lemons, pine-apples, Madeira wine, and ex- 
 cellent rum ; so that this small interval of ten 
 days was by far the most agreeable period of 
 my life. 
 
 At length the Lizard arrived ; and my pa- 
 tients being all fit for duty, they and I were 
 ordered on board of her, where I understood 
 from Mr. Tomlins that there was a shyness 
 between the lieutenant and him on my ac- 
 count ; the rancorous villain having taken 
 the opportunity of my absence, to fill the 
 captain's ears with a thousand scandalous 
 stories to my prejudice ; among other things 
 affirming, that I had been once transported 
 for theft, and that when I was in the Thun- 
 der man-of-war, I hiul been whipped for the 
 same crime. The surgeon, on the other 
 hand, having heard my whole story from my 
 own mouth, defended me strenuously, and, in 
 the course of that good-natured office recounted 
 all the instances of Crampley's malice against 
 me while I remained on board of that ship. 
 Which declaration, while it satisfied the cap- 
 tain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as 
 much my defender's enemy as mine. Tlio in- 
 fernal behaviour of Cramplcy, with reijard to 
 me, added such fuel to my former resentment, 
 tfiat, at certain times, I was quite beside my- 
 self with the desire of revenge, and wjm oven 
 tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, 
 though an infamous death must inevitably 
 have been my reward. But the surgeon, who 
 was my confidant, argued against such a des- 
 perate action so effectually, that I stified the 
 flame which consumed mo for the present, 
 and resolved to wait for a more convenient 
 opportunity. In the meantime, that Mi\ 
 Tomlins mipht be the more convinced of the 
 wrongs I suftored by this fellow's slander, I 
 begged he would go and visit Mr. Thompson, 
 whose wonderful escape I ha/l made him ac- 
 quainted with, and inquire of him into the 
 particulars of my conduct, while he was my 
 fellow-mate. 
 
 This request the surgeon complied with, 
 more through curiosity to see a person whoso 
 fate had been so extraordinary, than to con- 
 firm his good opinion of me, which he assured 
 mo was already firmly established. Ho there- 
 fore set outfor the dwelling-place of my friend, 
 with a letter of introduction from me ; and, 
 being received with all the civiUty and kind- 
 ness I expected, returned to the ship, not only 
 satisfied with my character beyond the power 
 of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed 
 with the affability and conversation of 
 Thompson, who loaded him and me with pre- 
 sents of fresh stock, liquors, and fruit. As 
 he would not venture to come and see us on 
 boardj.lest Crampley should know and detain 
 him ; when the time of our departure ap- 
 proached, I obtained leave to go and bid him 
 
 farewell. After wo had vowed an everlasting 
 friendship, he pressed upon me a purse, Avith 
 four doubloons, which I refused as long as I 
 could without giving umbrage ; and, having 
 cordially embraced each other, I returned on 
 board, where I found a small box, with a let- 
 ter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tom- 
 lins. Knowing the superscription to be of 
 Thompson's handwriting, I opened it with 
 some surprise, and learned that this generous 
 friend, not content with loading me with the 
 presents already mentioned, had sent, for my 
 use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, 
 and as many linen waistcoats and caps, with 
 twelve pair of new thread stockings. Being 
 thus provided with money and all necessaries 
 for the comfort of life, I began to look upon 
 myself as a gentleman of some consequence, 
 and felt my pride dilate a jiacc. 
 
 Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where 
 wo arrived s.afely with our jirizes ; and, us 
 there was nothing to do on board, I wont 
 ashore, and ha^-ing purchased a laced waist- 
 coat, with some other clothes, at a sale, made 
 a swaggering figure for some days among the 
 taverns, where I ventured to play a little at 
 hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my 
 pocket. Meanwhile our captain was pro- 
 moted to a ship of twenty guns, and the 
 command of the Lizard given to a man turned 
 of fourscore, who had been lieutenant sinco 
 the reign of King ^Villiam, and, notwith- 
 stan<ling his long service, would have prob.a- 
 bly died in that station, had ho not applied 
 some prize-money he had lately received, to 
 make interest with his superiors. My friend 
 Brayl was also made an olhccr about the 
 same time, after he had served in quality of a 
 midshipman and mato for five and twenty 
 years. Soon after thoso alterations, the ad- 
 miral pitched upon our ship to carry homo 
 dispatches for tho ministry ; and we set sail 
 for England, having first scrubbed her bot- 
 tom, and taken in provision and water for the 
 occasion. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 Wc depart for Europe — a misunderstanding 
 aHscs between tlie Captain and Surgeon, 
 through the scandalous aspersions of Cramp- 
 ley — the Captaindies — Cramplcy tyrannises 
 over the Surgeon, who falls a Victim to his 
 Cruelty — I cm also ill-used — the Ship 
 strikes — the bcliaviour of Crampley and 
 the Seamen on that occasion — / get on 
 shore, challenge the Cajytain to single 
 Combat — am trca/'hcrously knocked down, 
 vounded, and robbed. 
 
 NOW that I could return to my native 
 country in a creditaljlo way, I felt exces- 
 sive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of 
 that fatal island, which has been tho grave of 
 so many Europeans : and, as I was accommo- 
 dated with everything to render the passage 
 agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much 
 as the insolence of Crampley would permit. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 91 
 
 This insidious slanderer had found means al- 
 ready to cause a misunderstanding between 
 the surgeon and captain, who, by his age and 
 infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, 
 his disposition having also been soured by a 
 long course of disappointments. He had a 
 particular aversion to all young men, especi- 
 ally to surgeons, whom he considered unne- 
 cessary animals on board of a ship ; and, in 
 consequence of these sentiments, never con- 
 sulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being 
 seized with a violent fit of the gout and 
 gravel ; but applied to a cask of Holland gin, 
 which was his sovereign prescription against 
 all distempers : whether ho was at this time 
 too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, 
 certain it is, he departed in the night, without 
 any ceremony, which indeed was a thing ho 
 always despised, and was found stiff next 
 I morning, to the no small satisfaction of 
 ; Crampley, who succeeded to the command of 
 ; the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tom- 
 lins and I had no causo to rejoice at this 
 event, fearing thftt the tyranny of our new 
 commander would now be as unlimited as his 
 power. The first day of his command justi- 
 fied our apprehensions : for, on pretence that 
 the decks were too much crowded, he ordered 
 the surgeon's hencoops, with all his fowls, to 
 bo thrown overboard ; and at tho same time 
 prohibited him and mo from w^alking on tho 
 quarter-deck. 
 
 Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of 
 those injuries, and in tho course of his expos- 
 tulation tlropped son;o hasty words, of which 
 Crampley taking hold, confined him to his 
 cabin, where, in a few day.s, for want of air, 
 he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an 
 end to his life, after ho had made his will, by 
 which ho bequeathed all his estate, personal 
 and real, to his sister, and left to mo his 
 watch and instruments as memorials of his 
 friendship. I was penetrated with grief on 
 this melancholy occasion ; the more because 
 there was nobody on board to whom I could 
 communicate my sorrows, or of whom I could 
 receive the least consolation or advice. Cramp- 
 ley was so far from discovering tho lea.st 
 remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the 
 surgeon's death, that he insulted his memory 
 in the most abusive manner, and affirmed ho 
 had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dread- 
 ing to be brought to a court-martial for mu- 
 tiny ; for whioh reason, he would not suff"er 
 tho service of tho dead to be read over his 
 body before it was thrown overboard. 
 
 Nothing but a speedy deliverance could 
 have supported me under the brutal sway of 
 this bashaw, who, to render my life the more 
 irksome, signified to my messmates a desiro 
 that I should be expelled from their society. 
 This was no sooner hinted, than they granted 
 his request; and I was fain to eat in a 
 solitary manner by myself during the rest 
 of the passage, which, however, soon drew to 
 a period. 
 Wo had been seren weeks at eea, when tho 
 
 gunner told tho captain that, by his reckon- 
 ing, we must be in soundings, and desired he 
 would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley 
 swore ho did not know how to keep tho ship's 
 way, for we were not within a hundred leagues 
 of soundings, and therefore he would not give 
 himself tho trouble to cast tho lead. Accord- 
 ingly we continued our course all that aftei*- 
 noon and night, without shortening sail, 
 although the gunner pretended to discover 
 SciUy iigrht ; and next morning protested in 
 form.against the captain's conduct ; for which 
 he was put in confinement. We discovered 
 no land all that day, and Crampley vv'as still 
 so infatuated as to neglect sounding ; but at 
 three o'clock in the morning the ship struck, 
 and remained fast on a sand-bank. This 
 accident alarmed the whole crew ; the boat 
 was immediately hoisted out, but as we could 
 not discern which way the shore lay, we 
 were obliged to wait for daylight. In tho 
 meantime, tho wind increased, and tho waves 
 beat against the sloop with such violence, 
 that we expected she would have gone to 
 pieces. The gimner was released and con- 
 sulted : he advised tho captain to cut away 
 the mast, in order to lighten her; this ex- 
 pedient was performed without success : tho 
 sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, 
 according to custom, broke up the chests 
 belonging to tho ofliccrs, dressetl themselves 
 in their clothes, drank their liquors without 
 ceremony, and drunkenness, tumult, and 
 confusion ensued. 
 
 In the midst of this uproar, I went below 
 to secure my own cff"ect.'>, and found tho 
 carpenter's mato hewing down tho purser's 
 cabin with his hatchet, whistling all the 
 while with great composure. When I asked 
 his intention in so doing, he replied, very 
 calmly, ' I only want to taste the purser's 
 rum, that's all, master.' At that instant tho 
 purser coming down, and seeing his efl"octs 
 going to wreck, complained bitterly of tho 
 injustice done to him, and asked the fellow 
 what occasion ho had for liquor, when, in all 
 likelihood, ho woidd bo in eternity in a few 
 minutes. ' All's one for that,' said tho 
 plunderer, ' let us live while we can.' ' Mise- 
 rable wretch that thou art ! ' cried the purser, 
 ' what must be thy lot in another world, if 
 thou diest in tho commission of robbery?' 
 ' Why, hell, I suppose,' replied the other, with 
 great deliberation, while tho purser fell on 
 his knees, and begged of Heaven that wo 
 might not all perish for the sake of one 
 Jonas. 
 
 During this dialogue I clothed myself in 
 my best apparel, girded on my hanger, stuck 
 my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all 
 my valuable moveables about my person, and 
 came upon deck with a resolution of taking 
 the first opportunity to get on shore, which, 
 when the day broke, appeared at the distance 
 of three miles ahead. Crampley, finding his 
 efforts to get the ship off ineffectual, deter- 
 mined to consult his own safety, by going into 
 
92 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 tho boat, •which he had no sooner done, than 
 the ship's company followed so fast, that she 
 would have sunk along'side, had not some one 
 wiser than the rest cut the rope and put off. 
 But before this happened, I had made several 
 attempts to get in, and was always balked 
 by the captain, who was so eager in excluding 
 me, that he did not mind the endeavours of 
 any other body. Enraged at this inhuman 
 partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled 
 one of my pistols from my belt, and cooking 
 it, swore I would shoot any man who would 
 presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, 
 I leaped with my full exertion, and got on 
 board of the boat with the loss of tho skin of 
 my shins. I chanced in my descent to over- 
 turn Crampley, who no sooner got up than 
 he struck at me several times with a cutlass, 
 and ordered the men to throw me overboard ; 
 but they were too anxious about their own 
 safety to mind what he said. ITiough the 
 boat was very deeply loaded, and tho sea 
 terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry 
 land in less than an hour after wo parted from 
 tho sloop. As soon as I set my foot on trrra 
 firma, my indignation, which had boiled so 
 long within me, broke out against Crampley, 
 whom I immediately challenged to single 
 combat, presenting my pistols, that ho might 
 take his choice : he took one without hesi- 
 tation, and, before I could cock the other, 
 fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the 
 shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining 
 tho bullet had entered my brain, discharged 
 mine as quick as possible, that I might not 
 die unrovunged : then flying upon my anta- 
 gonist, knocked out several of his fore-tcetli 
 with the butt-end of the piece, and would 
 certainly have made an end of him with that 
 instrument, had he not disengaged himself, 
 and seized his cutlass, which he hafl given to 
 his servant when ho received the pistol. 
 Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my 
 hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his 
 head, closed with him in a transport of fury, 
 and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which 
 it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether 
 the smart of this wound disconcerted liim, or 
 the unevenncss of the ground made him reel, 
 I know not, but he staggered some paces back : 
 I followed close, and with one stroke cut tho 
 tendons of tho back of his hand, upon which 
 his cutlass dropped, and he remained defence- 
 less. I know not with what cruelty my rage 
 might have inspired me, if I had not at tliat 
 instant been felled to tho ground by a blow 
 on tho back part of my head, which deprived 
 nie of all sensation. In this deplnrablo situ- 
 ation, exposed to the rage of an incensed 
 barbarian, and tho rapine of an inhuman 
 crew, I remained for some time ; and whether 
 any disputes arose among them during the 
 state of my annihilation, I cannot pretend to 
 determine ; but in one particular they seemed 
 to have boon unanimous, and acted with equal 
 dexterity and dispatch ; for when I recovered 
 the use of my understauding, I fouud myself 
 
 alone in a desolate placC, stripped of my 
 clothes, money, watch, buckles, and every- 
 thing but my shoes, stockings, breeches and 
 shirt. AVhat a discovery must this have 
 been to me, who, but an hour before, was 
 worth sixty guineas in cash ! I cursed the 
 hour of my birth, the parents that gave mo 
 being, the sea that did not swallow me up, 
 the poniard of the enemy, which could not 
 find the way to my heart, the villany of those 
 who had left me in that miserable condition ; 
 and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to lie 
 still where I was, and perish. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 I get np and crawl into a ham, where I am 
 •in danger of perishing, through the fear of 
 the country people — their inhumanity — / 
 am succoured by a reputed u-itch — her story 
 — her advice — she recommends me as a I'alct 
 to a single lady, wJwse clMracter she ex- 
 plains. 
 
 BUT as I lay ruminating, my passion in- 
 sensibly abated ; I considered my situation 
 in quite another light, from that in which it 
 appeared to me at first, and the result of my 
 deliberation was to rise if I could, and crawl 
 to the next inhabited place for assistance. 
 With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and 
 having examined my body, found I hatl re- 
 ceived no other injury than two large con- 
 tused wounds, one on tho fore and another 
 on tho hinder part of my head, which seemed 
 to be occasioned by the same weapon— 
 namely, the butt-end of a pistol. I looked 
 towards tho sea, but could discern no remains 
 of the ship ; so that I concluded she was 
 gone to pieces, and that those who remained 
 in her had perished : but, as I afterwards 
 learned, the gunner, wlio had more sjxgacity 
 than Crampley, observing that it was flood 
 when he left her, and that she would probably 
 float at high water, made no noise about 
 getting on shore, but continued on deck, in 
 liopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, 
 after her commander should have deserted 
 her, for which piece of service ho expected, 
 no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This 
 scheme ho accordingly executed, and was 
 promised great things by tho Admiralty for 
 saving his Majesty's ship : but I never heard 
 he reaped the fruits of his expectation. As 
 for my o\vn part, I directed my course towards 
 a small cottage I perceived, and in the road 
 picked up a seaman's old jacket, which I sup- 
 pose tho thief who dressed himself in my 
 clothes had thrown away: this was a very 
 comfortable acquisition to me, who was 
 almost stiff with cold : I therefore put it on, 
 and, as my natural heat revived, my wounds, 
 which had left off bleeding, burst out afresh ; 
 so that, finding myself excessively exhausted, 
 I was about to lie down in tho fields, when I 
 discovered a bam on my left hand, within 
 a few yards of me ; thither I made shift to 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 93 
 
 stajjger, and finding' the door open, went in, 
 but saw nobody ; however, I threw myself 
 upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon re- 
 lieved by some person or other. I had not 
 lain hero many minutes, when I saw a coun- 
 tryman come m with a pitchfoik in his hand, 
 which he was upon the point of thrusting 
 into the straw that concealed me, and in all 
 probability would have done my business, 
 hatl I not uttered a dreadful groan, after 
 having essayed in vain to speak. This melan- 
 choly note alarmed the clown, who started 
 back, and discovering a body all besmeared 
 with blood, stood trembling, with the pitch- 
 fork extended before him, his hair bristling 
 up, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and 
 his mouth wide open. At another time I 
 should have been much diverted by this figure, 
 which presen'ed the same attitude very near 
 ten minutes, during which time I made many 
 unsuccessful cffort.s to implore hLs compassion 
 and assistance; but my tongue failed mo, 
 and my language was only a repetition of 
 groans. At length an old man arrived, who, 
 seeing the other in such a posture, cried, 
 ' Mercy upon en ! the leaad's bewitched ! — ■ 
 why, Dick, beest thou besayd thyself!' Dick, 
 without moving his eyes from the object that 
 terrified him, replied, 'O vather! vather ! 
 here bo either the devil or a dead mon : I 
 doant know which o'en, but a groans 
 woundily.' The father, whoso eyesight was 
 none of the best, puUed out his spectacles, 
 and, having applied them to his nose, recon- 
 noitered mo over his son's shoulder : but no 
 sooner did ho behold me, than he was seized 
 with a fit of shaking, even more violent than 
 Dick's, and, with a broken accent, atldros-sod 
 mo thus : ' In the namo of the Vather, Zun, 
 and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been 
 Satan, to bo gone to the Red Zea ; bnt an j'ou 
 bo a moordered mon, speak, that you may 
 liave a Christum burial.' 
 
 As I was not in a condition to satisfy him 
 in thi.s particular, ho repeated his conjura- 
 tion to no purpose ; and they continued a 
 pood while in the agonies of fear. At length 
 the father proposed that the son should 
 draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of 
 the apparition ; but Dick was of opinion that 
 Ilia father should advance first, as beinj 
 an old man past his labour, and, if ho received 
 any mischief, the loss would bo the smaller; 
 wherea.s ho himself might escape, and bo 
 useful, in his generation. This prudential 
 reason had no effect upon the senior, who 
 still kept Dick between me and him. In the 
 meantime I endeavoured to raise ono hand 
 as a signal of distress, but had only strength 
 sufficient to produce a rustling among the 
 straw, which discomposed the young peasant 
 so much, that he sprang out at the door, and 
 overthrew his father in his flight. The old 
 gentleman would not spend time in getting 
 up, but crawled backwards liko a crab, with 
 groat speed, till he had got over the threshold, 
 mumbling exorcisms all the way. I was 
 
 exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger 
 of perishing through the ignorance and 
 cowardice of these clowns ; and felt my 
 spirits decay apace, when an old woman en- 
 tered the barn, fellowed by the two fugitives, 
 and with great intrepidity advanced to the 
 place where I lay, saying, ' If it bo the devil 
 I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can do us 
 no harm.' When sho saw my condition, sho 
 cried, ' Hero be no devil, but in j'our en 
 fool's head. Here be a poor miserable wretch 
 bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must bo 
 at the charge of burying him ; therefore, 
 Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put 
 en in, and carry en to goodman Hodge's back- 
 door ; ho is more able than wo to lay out 
 money upon poor vagrants.' Her advice was 
 taken, and immediately put in execution ; I 
 W!vs rolled to the other farmer's door, whcro 
 I was tumbled out liko a heap of dung ; and 
 should certainly have fallen a jirey to the 
 hogs, if my groans had not disturbed tho 
 family, and brought some of them out to view 
 my situation. But Hodge resembled the Jew 
 more than tho good Samaritan, and ordered 
 mo to bo carried to tho house of the parson, 
 whoso business it was to practise as well as to 
 preach charity ; observing that it was suffi- 
 cient for him to pay his quota towards tho 
 maintenance of tho poor belonging to his own 
 parish. When I was set down at tho vicar's 
 gate, ho fell into a mighty j a-^sion, and threat- 
 ened to excommunicato him who sent, as well 
 as those who brought me, unless they would 
 move mo immodiatolj' to another place. About 
 this time I fainted with the fatigue I had un- 
 dergono, and afterwards understood that I 
 was bandied from door to door through a 
 whole village, nobody having humanity enough 
 to administer tho least relief to mo, until an 
 old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft 
 by the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, 
 received mo into her house, and, having dressed 
 my wounds, brought mo to myself with cor- 
 dials of her own preparing. I was treated 
 with great caro and tenderness by this grave 
 matron, who, after I had recovered some 
 strength, desired to know the particulars of 
 my last disa.ster. This piece of satisfaction I 
 could not refuse to one who had saved my life, 
 therefore related all my adventures witl.')ut 
 exaggeration or reserve. She seemed sur- 
 prised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, 
 and drew a happy presage of my future lifo 
 from my past suffering, then launched out 
 into tho praise of adversity, with so much ar- 
 dour and good sense, that I concluded she was 
 a person who had seen better days, and con- 
 ceived a longing desire to hear her story. She 
 perceived my drift by some words I dropped, 
 and smiling told mo, there was nothing either 
 entertaining or extraordinary in the course of 
 her fortune; but, however, sho would com- 
 municate it to me, in consideration of the 
 confidence I had reposed in her. ' It is of lit- 
 tle consequence,' said she, ' to tell the names 
 of my parents, who are dead many yoai's ago; 
 
94 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, 
 and had no other child than me ; so that I 
 was looked upon as heiress to a considerable 
 estate, and teased with addresses on that ac- 
 count. Amon^ the number of my admirers, 
 there was a young gentleman of no fortune, 
 whose sole dependence was on his promotion 
 in the army, in which, at that time, he bore a 
 lieutenant's commission. I conceived an affec- 
 tion for this amiable officer, which, in a short 
 time, increased to a violent passion, and with- 
 out entering into minute circumstances, mar- 
 ried him privately. We had not enjoyed one 
 another long in stolen interviews, when he 
 was ordered with his regiment to Flanders ; 
 but, before he set out, it was agreed between 
 us, that we should declare our marriage to my 
 father by letter, and implore his pardon for 
 the step we had taken -svithout his approba- 
 tion. This discovery was made while I was 
 abroad visiting, and just as I was about to re- 
 turn home, I received a letter from my father, 
 importing that, since I had acted so unduti- 
 fully and meanly as to marry a beggar, with- 
 out his privity or consent, to the disgrace of 
 his family, as well as the disappointment of 
 his hopes, he renotmced me to the miserable 
 fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged 
 me never to set foot within his doors ag^in. 
 This rigid sentence was confirmed by my 
 motlier, who, in a postscript, gave me to un- 
 derstand that her sentimeuta were exactly 
 conformable to those of my father, and that 
 I might save myself the trouble of making 
 any aiiplicatious, for her resolutions were un- 
 alterable. Thunderstruck with my evil fortune 
 I called a coach, and drove to my husbands 
 lodgings, where I found him waiting the event 
 of his letter. Though ho could easily divine 
 by my looks the issue of his declaration, ho 
 read with great steadiness the epistle I had 
 received ; and with a smile full of tenderness, 
 which I shiill never forget, embraced me, say- 
 ing, I believe the good lady your mother might 
 have spared herself tlu: trauhle of the last part 
 of lier postscript. Well, my dear Betty, you, 
 must lay aside all tltoughts of a coach, till I 
 can j>rocure the command of a regiment. This 
 unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled mo 
 to support my reverse of fortune, at the same 
 time endeared him to mo the more, by convin- 
 cing me of his disinterested views in espous- 
 ing me. I was next day boarded in company 
 with the wife of another officef, who had long 
 been the friend and confidant of my husband, 
 at a viUago not far from London, where they 
 parted with us in the most melting manner, 
 went to Flanders, and were killed in sight of 
 one another at the battle of the "Wood. 
 
 ' Why should I tiro you with a description 
 of our unutterable sorrow at the fatal news 
 of this event, the remembrance of which now 
 fills my aged eyes witli tears ! When our 
 grief subsided a" little, and reflection came to 
 our aid, wo found ourselves deserted by the 
 whole world, and in danger of perishing by 
 want ; whereupon we made application for 
 the pension, and were put upon the list. 
 
 Then, vowing eternal friendship, sold our 
 jewels and superfluous clothes, retii-ed to this 
 place (which is in the county of Sussex) 
 bought this little house, where wo lived many 
 years in a solitary manner, indulging our mu- 
 tual sorrow, till it pleased Heaven to call away 
 my companion two years ago ; since which 
 time I have lingered out an unhappy being, 
 in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I pro- 
 mise myself the eternal reward of all my cares. 
 In the meantime,' continued she, ' I must in- 
 form you of the character I bear among my 
 neighbours. My conversation being ditt'erent 
 from that of the inliabitants of the village, 
 my recluse way of life, mj- skill in curing dis- 
 tempers, which I acquired from books since 
 I settled here, and lastly, my age having 
 made the common people look upon me as 
 something preternatural, and I am actually, 
 at this hour, believed to bo a witch. The 
 parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I 
 have not ])ecn at much pains to cultivate, 
 taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, 
 has contributed not a little towards the con- 
 firmation of this opinion, by dropping certain 
 hints to my prejudice among the vulgar, who 
 are also very much scandalised at my enter- 
 taining this poor tabby cat witli the collar 
 about her neck, which was a favourite of my 
 deceased companion.' 
 
 The whole behaviour of this venerable per- 
 son was so primitive, innocent, sensible, and 
 humane, that I contracted a filial respect for 
 her, and begged her advice with regard to my 
 future conduct, as soon as I was in a condi- 
 tion to act for myself. She dissuaded mo 
 from a design I had formed of travelling to 
 London, in hopes of retrieving my clothes 
 and pay, by returning to my ship, which by 
 this time I read in the newspaper was safely 
 arrived in the River Thames : ' because,' said 
 she, ' you run the hazard of being treated not J 
 only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but \ 
 also as a mutineer, in assaulting your com- 
 manding officer, to the malice of whoso re- 
 venge you will moreover bo exposed.' Sho 
 then promised to recommend mo as ser\'aut 
 to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived 
 in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who 
 was a young foxhunter of great fortune, 
 where I might be very happy, provided I j 
 could bear with the disposition and manners 1 
 of my mistress, which were somewhat whim- 
 sical and particular. But, above all things, 
 she counselled mo to conceal my story, tho 
 knowledge of which would effectually poison 
 my entertainment ; for it was a maxim among 
 most people of condition, that no gentleman 
 in distress ought to be admitted into a family 
 as a domestic, lest he become proud, lazy, and 
 insolent. I was fain to embrace this humblo 
 proposal, because my affairs were desperate ; 
 and in a few days was hired by this lady, to 
 serve in quality of her footman, having been 
 represented by my hostess as a young man 
 who was bred up to the sea by his relations 
 against his will, and had suffered shipwreck, 
 which had increased hia disgust to that way 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 of life so much, that ho rather chose to go to 
 eervico on shore, than enter himself on board 
 of any other ship. Before I took possession 
 of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my 
 mistress's character, that I might know better 
 how to regulate my conduct. 
 
 ' Your lady,' said she, ' is a maiden of forty 
 years, not so remarkable for her beauty as 
 her learning and taste, which is famous all 
 over the country. Indeed, she is a perfect 
 female virtuoso, and so eager after the pursuit 
 of knowledge that she neglects her person 
 even to a de<jree of sluttishnoss ; this negli- 
 gence, together with her contempt of the 
 male part of tlio creation, gives her nephew 
 no great concern, aa by these means he will 
 probably keep her fortune, which is consider- 
 able, in the family. Ho therefore permits her 
 to live in her own way, which is something 
 extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her 
 whimsical desires. Her apartment is at some 
 distance from the other inhabited parts ot the 
 house; and consists of a dining-room, bod- 
 chamher, and study; she keeps a cook maid, 
 a waiting-woman, and footman, of her own, 
 and seldom eats or converses with any of the 
 family but her niece, who is a very lovely 
 crwiture, and humours her aunt often to the 
 prejudice of her own health, by sitting up 
 with her whole nights together ; for your 
 mistress is too much of a philosopher to bo 
 swayed by the customs ot tho world, and 
 never sleeps nor oats like other peojtlo. 
 Among other odd notions, she professes the 
 princiides of Rosicrucius, and believes tlio 
 earth, air, and sea, are inhabited by invisible 
 beiag.s, -Nntli whom it Ls possible for tho hu- 
 man speiics to eulertaiu correspondence and 
 intimacy, on tho easy condition of living 
 chaste. As she hopes ono day to bo admitted 
 into an acqu;untance of this kind, she no 
 Booner lioard of mo and my cat, than she paid 
 mo a visit, with a view, as she has since 
 owned, to bo introduced to my familiar; and 
 was greatly mortified to find herself disap- 
 pointed in her expectation. Being, by this 
 visionary turn of mind, abstracted as it were 
 from tho world, sho cannot advert to tho 
 common occurrences of life; and therefore is 
 frciiuontlysoabsentas to commit very strange 
 mistakes and extravagancies, which you will 
 do well to rectify and repair, as your prudence 
 shall suggest.' 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 My Reception by that Ladu—I become aia- 
 moured of No ret ssa— recount the pariicii- 
 lars of my lastviisfortimc — acquire the ijood 
 opinion of my Mistress— an Account of the 
 young Squire— I am made arquaiatcd with 
 more particulars of Narcissa's Situation- 
 conceive a mortal hatred against Sir 
 Timothy — examine my Lady's library and 
 performances— lier extravagant behaviour. 
 
 FKAUGHT with these useful instructions, I 
 repaired to the place of her habitation, 
 and was introduced by the waiting- woman to 
 
 95 
 
 the presence of my lady, who had not before 
 seen mo. She sat in her study, with one foot 
 on tho ground, and tho other upon a high 
 stool at somo distance from her seat ; her 
 Bandy locks hung down, in a disorder I can- 
 not call beautiful, from her head, which was 
 deprived of its coif, for the benefit of scratch- 
 ing with one hand, while sho held tho stump 
 of a pen m tho other. Her forehead was 
 high and wrinkled ; her eyes were large, gray, 
 and prominent; her nose was long, sharp, 
 and aciuiline; her mouth of vast capacity 
 her visage meagre and freckled, and her dim 
 peaked like a shoemaker's paring knife: her 
 upper lip contained a large quantity of plain 
 bpanish, which, by continual falling, had em- 
 broidered her neck, that was not naturally 
 very white, and the breast of her gown, that 
 flowed loose about her with a negUgence truly 
 poetic, discovering linen that was very fine, 
 and, to all appearance, never u-ashed but in 
 Lastahan streams. Around her lay heaps of 
 books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and 
 other learned apparatus ; her snnft"-box stood 
 at her right hand ; at lier left hand lay her 
 handkerchief, sulKciently used, and a" con- 
 venience to spit in appeared on one side of 
 her chair. Sho being in a reverie when wo 
 entered, tho maid did not think proj)er to 
 distui'b her ; so that we waited some minutes 
 unobserved, during which time sho bit tho 
 qudl several times, altered her position, made 
 UKuiy wry laces, and, at length, with an air 
 ot triumph, repeated aloud : 
 
 ' Nor dare th' immortal gods my rape oppose !' 
 
 Having committed her success to paper, 
 she turned towards tho door, and perceiving 
 us, cried, ' Wliat's tho matter r' ' Here's the 
 young man,' replied my conductress, ' whom 
 JMrs. Sagely recommouded as a footman to 
 your la.lyship.' On this information she stared 
 in my face for a considerable time, and then 
 asked my name, which I thouirht proper to 
 conceal under that of John Brawn. After 
 having surveyed me with a curious eye, she 
 broke out into ' O ! ay, thou wiust shipwrecked 
 I remember. Whether didst thou como on 
 shore on tho back of a whale or a dolphin ?' 
 To this I answered, I had swam ashoro with- 
 out any assistance. Then she demanded to 
 know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, 
 and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I rei)lied 
 in the negative ; upon which she bade tho 
 maid order a suit of new livery for me, and 
 instruct mo in the articles of my duty : so 
 saying, she spit in her snulf-box, and wiped 
 her nose with her cap, which lay on tho table, 
 instead of a handkerchief. 
 
 We returned to tho kitchen, whore I was 
 regaled by the maids, who seemed to vie with 
 each other in expressing their regard for mo; 
 and from them I understood, that my business 
 <!onsisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying 
 the cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, 
 and attending my lady when she went abroad! 
 1 here was a very good suit of livery in the 
 
06 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 house, which had belonged to my predecessor 
 deceased, and it fitted mo exactly ; so that 
 there was no occasion for employing a tailor 
 on my account. I had not been long equipped 
 in this manner, when my lady's bell rung ; 
 upon which, I ran up stairs, and found her 
 stalking about the room in her shift and 
 under petticoat only ; I would immediately 
 have retired as became me, but she bade me 
 come in, and air a clean shift for her ; which 
 operation I having performed ■\vith some 
 backwardness, she put it on before me with- 
 out any ceremony, and I verily believe was 
 ignorant of my sex all that time, as being 
 quite absorbed in contemplation. About four 
 o'clock in the afternoon I was ordered to lay 
 the cloth, and place two covers, which I 
 imderstood were for my mistress and her 
 niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though 
 I wixs not very dexterous at this work, I per- 
 formed it pretty well for a beginner, and, 
 when dinner was upon the table, saw my 
 mistress approach, accompanied by the young 
 lady, whose name for the present shall be 
 Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in 
 the countenance and carriage of this amiable 
 ai)parition, that my heart was captivated at 
 hrst sight, and while dinner lasted, I gazeil 
 upon her without intermission. Her ago 
 seemed to bo seventeen, her stature tall, her 
 shape unex,ceptionable, her hair, that fell down 
 upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet ; 
 her arched eyebrows of the same colour ; her 
 eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the 
 consistence and hue of cherries ; her com- 
 plf'xion clear, delicate and healthy ; her aspect 
 noble, ingenuous, and humane ; and the whole 
 ])Cr8on so ravisJiingly delightful, that it was 
 impossible for any creature endued with 
 sensibility, to see without admiring, and ad- 
 mire ■without loving her to excess. I began 
 to curse the servile station that placed mo so 
 far beneath the regard of this idol of my 
 adoration ! and j'ot I blessed my fate, that 
 enabled mo to enjoy daily the sight of so 
 much perfection ! When she spoke I listened 
 with pleasure ; but when she spoke to me, 
 my soul was thrilled with an ettacy of tumul- 
 tuous joy. I was oven so happy as to bo the 
 subject of their conversation ; for Narcissa, 
 having obser\-ed me, said to her aunt, ' I see 
 your new footman is come.' Then addressing 
 herself to me, asked, with ineffable compla- 
 cency, if I was the person who had been bo 
 cruelly used by robbers? When I had satisfied 
 her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing 
 the other particulars of my fortune, both 
 before and since my being ship^vrecked : 
 hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely ha<:l conn8elle<i me) 
 I told her that I had been bound apprentice 
 to the master of a ship, contrary to my incli- 
 nation, which ship had foundered at sea; 
 that I and four more, who chanced to be on 
 deck when she went down, made shift to 
 swim to the shore, when my companions, 
 after having overpowered me, stripped me to 
 the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead 
 
 of tho wounds I received in my own defence. 
 Then I related tho circumstances of being 
 found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment 
 I met with from the country people and par- 
 son ; the description of which, I perceived, 
 drew tears from the charming creature's eyes. 
 When I had finished my recital, my mistress, 
 said, ' 3f a /oi .' le c/arron est bicn fnit !' To 
 which opinion Narcissa assented, with a com- 
 pliment to my understanding, in the same 
 language, that flattered my vanity extremely. 
 
 ■The conversation, among other subjects, 
 turned upon the young squire, whom mj' lady 
 inquired after under the title of the Savage ; 
 and was informed by her niece that he was 
 still in bed, repairing the fatigiie of last 
 night's debauch, and recruiting strength and 
 spirits to undergo a fox chase to-morrow 
 morning, in company with Sir Timothy 
 Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many 
 other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom 
 he had invited on that occasion ! so that by 
 daybreak tho whole house woiihl be in an 
 uproar. This was a very disagreeable piece 
 of news to tho riVh(oso, who protested sho 
 would stuff her ears with cotton when sho 
 went to bed, and take a dose of opium to 
 make her sleep the more sound, tluit sho 
 might not be disturbed and distracted by tho 
 clamour of the brutes. 
 
 When their dinner was over, I and mj' fel- 
 low servants sat down to ours in the kitchen, 
 where I undersi ood that Sir Timothy Thicket 
 was a wealthy kjiight in the neighbourhood, 
 between whom and Narcissa a match had 
 been projeote<l by her brother, who promised 
 at tho same time to espouse Sir Timothy's 
 sister; by which means, as their fortunes 
 wore pretty equal, the young Lxdies would bo 
 provided for, and their brothers be never tho 
 poorer ; but that tho ladies did not concur in 
 the scheme, eaoh of them entertaining a 
 hearty contempt for tho j)erson allotte<l to 
 her for a husband by this agreement. This 
 information begat in me a mortal aversion to 
 Sir Timothy, whom I looked ujion as my rival, 
 and cursed in my heart for his presumption. 
 
 Nextmoming.by daybreak, beingawakenod 
 by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I 
 rose to view the cavalcade, and luyl a sight 
 of my competitor, whose accomjilishmenta 
 (the estate excluded) did not seem brilliant 
 enough to give mo much uneasiness with 
 respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, 
 was not to be won by such qualifications as 
 he was m-^^torof, either as to person or mind. 
 My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, 
 was so much disturbed by her nephews com- 
 pany, that she did not rise till five o'clock in 
 the afternoon ; so that I had an opportunity 
 of examining her study at leisure, to which 
 examination I was stronglj' prompted by my 
 curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of 
 her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, 
 twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity of 
 Kubjocts, which, as whim inspired, she had 
 begun, without constancy or capacity to 
 
RODERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 !)7 
 
 bring to any ilegroo of composition : but, what 
 was very extraordinary in a female poet, 
 there was not the least mention made of lore 
 in any of her performances. I counted fragr- 
 monts of five tragodios, the titles of which 
 were, 'The Stern Philosopher,' 'The Double 
 Murder,' 'The Sacrilegious 'fraitor,' 'The 
 Fall of Lucifer,' and ' The Last Day.' t'rom 
 whence I prathered, that her disposition was 
 gloomy, and her imar^ination delighted with 
 object:* of horror. Her library was composed 
 of the best Ens^lish historians, poets, and 
 philosophers ; of all the French critics and 
 poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly 
 poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and 
 Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, 
 translations of the cla.ssic3 into French, but 
 not one book in Greek or Latin ; a circum- 
 stance that discovered her ignorance in these 
 languages. 
 
 After having taken a full view of this col- 
 lection, I retired, and at the usual time was 
 l)reparing to lay the cloth, when I was told 
 by the maid that her mistress wa-s still in bed, 
 and had been so affected with the notes of 
 the hounds in the morning, that she actually 
 believed herself a hare beset by the hunters, 
 and begcred a few greens to munch for break- 
 fast. When I expressed my surprise at this 
 unaccountable inia?ination, she gave mo to 
 understand that her lady was very much sub- 
 ject to whims of this nature ; sometimes 
 fancying herself m\ animal, sometimes a pieco 
 of furniture, daring which conceited trans- 
 formations it was very dangerous to como 
 near her, especially when she represented a 
 beast ; for tliat lately, in the character of a 
 cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her 
 face in a terrible manner: that somo months 
 ago, she prophcsicil tlie general conflagration 
 was at hand, and nothing would be able to 
 quench it but her water, which therefore she 
 kept so long, that her life was in danger ; and 
 she must needs have died of the retention, 
 had they not found an expedient to make her 
 evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her 
 chamber window, and persuading her that 
 the house was in flames : upon which, with 
 great deliberation, she bade them bring all 
 the tubs and vessels they could find to be filled 
 for the preservation of the house, into one of 
 which she immediately discharged the cause 
 of her distemper. I was also informed that 
 nothing contributed so much to the recovery 
 of her reason as music, which was always ad- 
 ministered on those occasions by Narcissa, 
 who played perfectly well on the harpsichord, 
 and to whom she (the maid) was just then 
 going to intimate her aunt's di.sorder. 
 
 She was no sooner gone than I was sum- 
 moned by the bell to my lady's chamber, 
 where I found her sitting squat on her hams 
 on the floor, in the manner of puss when she 
 listens to the outcries of her pursuers. When 
 I appeared, she started up with an alarmed 
 look, and sprang to the other side of the room 
 to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mis- 
 
 took for a beagle thirsting after her life. 
 Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, 
 and on the staircase met the adorable Narcissa 
 coming up, to whom I imparted the situation 
 of my mistress ; she said not a word, but 
 smiling with unspeakable grace, went into 
 her aunfs apartment, and in a little time my 
 ears were ravished with the eff'ects of her 
 skill. She accompanied the instrument with 
 a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not 
 wonder at the surprising change it produced 
 on the spirits of my mi.stress which were soon 
 composed to peace and sober reflection. 
 
 About seven o'clock, the hunters arrived 
 with the skins of* two foxes and one badger, 
 carried before them as trophies of their 
 success ; and when they were about to sit 
 down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy 
 Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour 
 the table with her presence ; but this request, 
 notwithstanding her brother's threats and en- 
 treaties, she refused, on pretence of attending 
 her aunt, who was indisposed ; so I enjoj-ed 
 the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified : 
 but this disappointment made no great im- 
 pression on him, who consoled himself with 
 the bottle, of which the whole company be- 
 came so enamoured that, after a most horrid 
 uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, 
 and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a 
 state of utter oblivion. My duty being alto- 
 gether detached from the squire and hia 
 family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable 
 life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of 
 love from the charms of Narcissa, which 
 brightened on my contemplation every day 
 more and more. Inglorious as my station 
 was, I became blind to my own unworthinesa, 
 and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying 
 this amiable creature, whose aff'ability greatly 
 encouraged these presumptuous thoughts. 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 My mistress is surprised at my learning — com- 
 municates her performances to me — Ii7nj)art 
 some of mine to her — am mortified at her 
 faint praise — Narcissa approves of my con- 
 duct — I gain an involuntary conquest over 
 tlie cookwenchand dairymaid — their mutual 
 rcsentmeiit ctkZ insinuations — the jealousy 
 of their lovers. 
 
 DURING this season of love and tranquillity, 
 my muse, which had lain dormant so 
 long, awoke, and produced several small per- 
 formances on the subject of my flame. But, 
 as it concerned me nearly to remain undis- 
 covered in my character and sentiments, I 
 was under a necessity of mortifying my desire 
 of praise, by confining my works to my own 
 perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove 
 to insinviate myself into the good opinion of 
 both ladies ; and succeeded so well, by my dili- 
 gence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little 
 time I was at least a favourite servant ; and 
 frequently enjoyed the satisfaction of hearing 
 
98 
 
 RODERICK RANDOIL 
 
 myself mentioned in French and Italian, -with 
 some de^ee of warmth and surprise by the 
 dear object of all my wishes, as a person who 
 had so much of the gentleman in my appear- 
 ance and discourse, that she could not for her 
 soul treat me like a common lacquey. My 
 prudence and modesty were not long proof 
 against these bewitching compliments. One 
 day, while I waited at dinner, the conver- 
 sation turned upon a knotty passage of 
 Tasso's Gierusalem, which, it seems, had 
 puzzled them both : after a great many un- 
 satisfactorj' conjectures, my mistress, taking 
 the book out of her pocket, turned up the 
 place in question, and read the sentence over 
 and over without success ; at length, de- 
 spairing of finding the author's meaning, she 
 turned to me, saying ' Come hither, Bruno ; 
 let us see what fortune will do for us : I will 
 interpret to thee what goes before, and what 
 follows this obscure paragraph, the particular 
 words of which I will also explain, that thou 
 mayst, by comparing one with another, guess 
 the sense of that which perplexes us.' I was 
 too vain to let slip this opportunity of dis- 
 playing my talents ; therefore, without hesi- 
 tation, read and explained the whole of that 
 which had disconcerted them, to the utter 
 astonishment of both. Narcissa's face and 
 lovely neck were ovcrspreatl with blushes, 
 from which I drew a favourable omen, while 
 her aunt, after having stared at me a good 
 while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, 
 ' In the name of heaven who art thou ? ' I 
 told her I hatl picked up a smattering of 
 Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At 
 this explanation she shook her head, and 
 observed that no smattorer could road as I 
 had done. She then desired to know if I 
 imderstood French. To which (juoslion I an- 
 swered in the affirmative. Slie asked if I 
 was acquainted with the Latin and Greek P I 
 replied, ' A little.' ' Oho ! ' continued she, 
 'and with philosophy and mathematics, I 
 suppose '( ' I o^vned I knew something of 
 each. Then she repeated her stare and inter- 
 rogation. I began to repent of my vanity, 
 and in order to repair the fault I committed, 
 said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a 
 tolerable education, for learning was so cheap 
 in my country, that every peasant was a 
 scholar ; but I hoped her ladyship would 
 think my understanding no exception to my 
 character. She was pleased to answer, ' No, 
 no, God forbid.' But during the rest of the 
 time they sat at table, they behaved with 
 remarkable reserve. 
 
 'J'his alteration gave me great uneasiness ; 
 and I passed the night without sleep, in 
 melancholy reflections on the vanity of young 
 men, Avhich prompts them to commit so many 
 foolish actions, contrary to their own sober 
 judj^'ment. Next day, however, instead of 
 profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded 
 still more to the dictates of the principle I 
 had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune 
 had not befriended me more than prudence 
 
 could expect, I should have been treated with 
 the contempt it deserved. After breakfast 
 my lady, who was a true author, bade me 
 follow lier into the study, where she expressed 
 herself thus : ' Since you are so learned, you 
 cannot be void of taste ; therefore I aiii to 
 desire your opinion of a small performance in 
 poetry, which I lately composed. You must 
 know tliat I have planned a tragedy, the 
 subject of which shall be, the murdeV of a 
 prince before the altar, where he is busy at 
 his devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, 
 the regicide -will harangue the people with 
 the bloody dagger in his hand ; and I have 
 already composed a speech, which, I think, 
 will suit the character extremely. Here it 
 is.' Then, taking up a scrap of papex-, she 
 read, with violent emphasis and gesture, as 
 
 follows : — 
 
 ' Thus have I sent the simple Kin? to hell, 
 AVithout or eotUii. shroud, or passini; IkU : 
 To me wliat arj- divine and human laws ? 
 I court no sanetion but nij- own applause ! 
 Rapes', roblierios, treasons, yield mv soul delight, 
 And human carnage pratifles my si^ht : 
 I draj; the parent hv the hoary iiair. 
 And toss the sprawlini; infant <m my spe.ir, 
 "While the fond mother's eries n j-ale mine ear. 
 1 liRht, I vanijuish, murder friends and foes ; 
 Nor dare the immortal UDds my ra(;e oppose." 
 
 Though I did great violence to my under- 
 standing in praising thi,s vmnatural rhapsody, 
 I nevertheless extolled it as a production that 
 of itself deserved immortal fame; and be- 
 sought her ladyship to bless the world with 
 the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven 
 had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a 
 look of self-complacency, and encouraged liy 
 the incense I had offered, communicated all 
 her poetical works, which I apjilaurled, one by 
 one, with as little candour as I had shown at 
 first. Satiated with my flattery, which I 
 hope my situation justified, she could not in 
 conscience refuse me an opportunityof shining 
 in my turn ; an<l, therefore, after a compli- 
 ment to my nice discernment and taste, ob- 
 served, that doubtless I must have produced 
 something in that way myself, which she 
 desired to sec. This was temptation I coidd 
 by no means resist. I owned that while I 
 was at college I WToto some small detached 
 pieces, at the desire of a friend who was in 
 love ; and at her request repeated the follow- 
 ing verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa 
 had inspired : — 
 
 ox CTLIA, 
 
 PLiYINO ON TUr. lllRPSKHOBn AND f!I;<OISO. 
 
 When Sappho stniek the quivering wire, 
 The throbbini; breast was all on fire: 
 
 And whi M slif r.ii-cil the voral lay. 
 The laptlvo soul wa~ eliann'il away 
 
 Itut had the nymph pn>.<;p»«rd with those 
 Thy softer, chaster, power to please i 
 Thy beauteous air of spritrhtly youth, 
 Thy native smiles of artli«» truth ; 
 
 The worm of crief had never preyed 
 On the forsaken lovesick maid : ' 
 Nor had she mourn 'd a hapless tiamp, 
 Kor dash'd on roi'ks her tender frame. 
 
 My mistress paid me a cold compliment on 
 the versification, which, .she said, was elegant 
 enough, but the subject beneath the pen of a 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 99 
 
 true poet. I was extremely nettled at her 
 indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by 
 this time hatl joined us, for her approbation ; 
 but she declined giving her opinion, protest- 
 ing she was no judge of these matters ; so 
 that I was forced to retire very mucli balked 
 in my expectation, which was generally a 
 little too sanguine. In the afternoon, how- 
 ever, the waiting-maid assured mo that Nar- 
 cissa had expressed her approbation of my 
 performance \vith great warmth, and desired 
 her to procure a copy of it as for herself, that 
 she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity to 
 peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an ex- 
 travagant pitch at this intelligence, and im- 
 mediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, 
 which was carried to the dear charmer, 
 together with another on the same subject, 
 as follows : — 
 
 Tlr. '•••'• 
 I I" 
 
 If" 
 
 GliiiL' s» ifi thiuugU all mj viul frame ! 
 
 Tor while I (fare my bo^nni clows. 
 My blooj in til ws ; 
 
 llopo. fi ar, iiji ,11, 
 
 Anu Moods of !■ a my soul I 
 
 My faltorinK fonttuo attpmpts in vain 
 In MMithinK murmurs to romplnin ; 
 -My tcmuuc «iini' s<trpt muKic ties, 
 My niurmuPi sink in lirukcu >i8hs. 
 
 Conilomn'd to ■ re, 
 
 And rvcr drop 
 
 I nlii-artl I m'.\ : >igh, 
 
 I'nfrioadcd live, luiidlifU dii : 
 
 Whether or not Narcissa discovered my 
 passion, I could not learn from her behaviour, 
 whioli, though alv^'ays benevolent t<j me, was 
 henceforth more reserved and less choorful. 
 "While my tlioughts aspired to a sphere so far 
 above me, I ha<l unwittingly madea com juest of 
 the cookwcnch and dairymaid, who became so 
 jealous of each other that, if their sentiments 
 had been refined by education, it is probable 
 one or otlicr of them woidd have had recourse 
 to poison or steel, to be avenged of her rival ; 
 but, as their minds were happily adapted to 
 their humble station, their mutual enmity was 
 confined to scolding and fisticuffs, in which 
 exercise they were both well skilled. My 
 good fortune did not long remain a secret ; for 
 it was disclosed by the frequent broils of these 
 heroines, who kept no decorum in their en- 
 counters. The coachman and gardener, who 
 paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his 
 respective choice, alarmed at my success, laid 
 their hoiuls together, in order to concert a 
 plan of revenge ; and the former, having been 
 educated at the academy at Tottenham Court, 
 undertook to challenge me to single combat. 
 Ho accordingly, with many opprobrious in- 
 vectives, bade mo defiance, and offered to box 
 me for twenty guineas. I told him that, 
 although I believed myself a match for him 
 even at that work, I would not descend so far 
 below the dignity of a geutlciiian as to fight 
 like a porter ; but if he had anything to say 
 to me, 1 was his man at blundei'bu.ss, musket, 
 pistol, Bword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or 
 ueedle ; nay, I swore, that, should he give his 
 
 tongue any more saucy liberties at my ex- 
 pense, I would crop his cars without any 
 ceremony. This rhodomontade, delivered with 
 a stern countenance and resolute tone, had 
 the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, 
 with some confusion, sneaked off, and gave 
 his friend an account of his reception. 
 
 The story, taking air among the servants, 
 procured for me the title of Gentleman John, 
 with which I was sometimes honoured, oven 
 by my mistress and Narcissa, who hatl been 
 informed of the whole affair by the chiimber- 
 maid. In the meantime, the rival queens 
 expressed their passion by all the Avays in 
 their power: the cook entertained me with 
 choice bits, the dairymaid with strokings: 
 the first would often encourage mo to declare 
 myself, by complimenting me upon my courage 
 and learning, and observing, that, if she had 
 a husband, like me, to maintain order and 
 keep accounts, she could make a great deal 
 of money, by setting up an eating-house in 
 London for gentlemen's servants on board 
 wages. The other courted my affecfion by 
 .showing her own importance, and telling mo 
 that many a substantial farmer in the neigh- 
 bourhood would bo glad to marry her, but 
 she was resolved to jileaso her eye, if she 
 should plague her heart. Then .she would 
 launch out into the praise of my proper per- 
 son, and say, slio was sure I would make a 
 pood husband, for I was very good-natured. 
 1 began to be uneasy at the importunities of 
 the.<o inamoratas, whom, at anotlior time, 
 lU'rhaps, I might have pleased witliout the 
 disagreeable sauce of matrimony ; but, atpr&- 
 .'^'•iif, my whole soul wius engrossed by Nar- 
 cissa, an<l I could not bear the thoughts of 
 doing anything derogatory to the paseion I 
 entertained for her. 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 Narcissa bcintj in danger from the hrutality 
 of Sir TitiKilliy, is rescued by me, wlw re- 
 venge myself on my rival — I declare my 
 passion, and retreat to the seaside — am 
 surrounded by smugglers, and carried to 
 Boulogne— find my uncle Lieutenant Bow- 
 ling in great distress, and relieve him — oitr 
 conversation. 
 
 AT certain intervals my ambition would 
 revive ; I would despise myself for my 
 tamo resignation to my sordid fate, and re- 
 volve a hundred schemes for assuming the 
 character of a gentleman, to which I thought 
 myself entitled by birth aud education. In 
 tliese fruitless suggestions time stole away 
 unperceived, and I had already remained 
 eiglit months in the station of a footman, 
 when an accident happened that put an end 
 to my servitude, and, for the present, banished 
 all hopes of succeeding in my love. 
 
 Narci-ssa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, 
 who lived with her brother within less than 
 a mile of oiu- house, and was persuaded to 
 
100 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 walk home in the cool of the eveninf», accom- 
 panied by Sir Timothy, wlio, having a good 
 deal of the brute in him, was instigrated to use 
 some unbecoming familiarities with her, en- 
 couraged by the solitariness of a field through 
 which they passed. The lovely creature was 
 incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she 
 reproached him in such a manner that he lost 
 all regard to decency, and actually oflfered 
 violence to this i)attem of innocence and 
 beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so 
 much goodness to be violated, and sent me, 
 who, passing by accident near the place, was 
 alarmed with her cries, to her succour. What 
 were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld 
 IS'arcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal 
 force of this satyr ! I flow like lightning to 
 her rescue, and ho, perceiving me, quitted his 
 prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my 
 presumption. My indignation was too high 
 to admit one thought of fear, so that, rushing 
 mpon him, I struck his weapon out of his 
 hand, and used my cudgel so successfully that 
 he fell to the ground, and lay, to all appear- 
 ance, without sense. Then I turned to Nar- 
 cissa, who had swooned, and sitting do^\-n by 
 her, gently raised lier head, and supported it 
 on my bosom, while, with my hand around 
 her waist, I kept her in that position. My 
 soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at 
 feoUng the object of my dearest wishes within 
 my arms ; and, while she lay insensible, I 
 could not refrain from applying my cheeks to 
 hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a little time 
 the blood began to revisit her face, she opened 
 her enchanting eyes, and, having recollected 
 her late situation, said, with a look full ot 
 tender acknowledgment, ' Dear John, I am 
 eternally obliged to you ! ' So saying, she 
 made an effort to ri.^e, in which I assisted hor, 
 and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon 
 mo all the way. I was a thousand times 
 tempted by thLs opportunity to declare my 
 passion, but the dread of disobliging her 
 restrained my tongue. Wo had not moved a 
 hundred paces from the scene of her distress, 
 when I perceived Sir Timothy rise and walk 
 homeward — a circumstance which, though it 
 pave mo some satisfaction, inasmuch as I 
 thereby knew I had not killed him, filled mo 
 with just .apprehension of his resentment, 
 which 1 found my.self in no condition to with- 
 stand; especially when I considered his inti- 
 macy with our squire, to whom I knew he 
 could justify himself for what he had done, 
 by imputing it to his love, and desiring his 
 bi'other liDiin to take the same liberty with 
 his sister, without imy fear of offence. 
 
 When wo arrived at the house, Narcissa 
 assured mo she would exert all hor influence 
 in protecting me from the reveniro of Thicket, 
 and likewise engage her aunt in my favour, 
 At the same time, pulling out her purse, 
 offered it as .1 small consideration for the ser- 
 vice I had done her. But I stood too much 
 upon the punctilios of love to incur the least 
 suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the 
 
 present, by saying I had merited nothing by 
 barely doing my duty. She seemed astonished 
 at my disinterestedness, and blushed -. I felt 
 the same suffusion, and, \%'ith a downcast eye 
 and broken accent, told her I had one request 
 to make, which, if her generosity would 
 grant, I should think myself fully recompensed 
 for an age of misery. She changed colour at 
 this preamble, and, with great confusion, 
 replied, she hoped my good sense would 
 hinder me from asking anything she waa 
 bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade 
 me signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, 
 and begged to kiss her hand. She immedi- 
 ately, with an averted look, stretched it out : 
 I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing 
 it with my tears, cried, ' Dear Madam, I am 
 an unfortunate gentleman, and love you to 
 distraction, but would have died a thousand 
 deaths rather than make this declaration 
 imder such a servile appearance, were I not 
 determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, 
 to fly from your bewitching presence, and 
 bury my presumptuous passion in eternal 
 silence.' With these words I rose, and went 
 away before she could recover her spirits so 
 far as to make any reply. 
 
 ISIy first care was to go and consult Mrs. 
 Sagol}', with whom I had maintaincdafriendly 
 correspondence ever since I left her house. 
 When she understood my situation, the good 
 woman, with real concern, condoled with me 
 on my unhappy fate, and approved of my re- 
 solution to leave the country, as being per- 
 fectly well acquainted with the barbarous 
 disposition of my rival, 'who, by this time, 
 said she, ' has no doubt meditated a scheme 
 of revenge. Indeed, I cannot see how you 
 will be able to elude his vengeance; being 
 himself in the commission, he will immediately 
 grant warrants for apprehending you ; and, 
 as almost all the people in this country are 
 dependent on him or his friend, it will bo im- 
 possible for you to find shelter among them. 
 If you should be apprehended, he will 
 commit you to jail, whore you may pos- 
 sibly in great mi.-;ery languish till the next 
 assizes, and then be tnuisportcd for assaulting 
 a magistrate.' 
 
 While she thus warned mc of my danger, 
 we hoard a knocking at the door, which 
 threw us both into great consternation, as, in 
 all probability, it was occasioned by my pur- 
 suers ; whereupon this generous old lady, 
 jiutting two guineas into my hand, with tears 
 in her eyes, bade me, for God's sake, get out 
 at the back-floor, and consult my safety as 
 Providence should direct me. There was no 
 time for deliberation. I followed her advice, 
 .ind escaped by the benefit of a dark night to 
 the seaside, where, while I ruminated on my 
 next excursion, I was all of a sudden siur- 
 rounded by armed men, who, having boimd 
 my hands and feet, bade me make no noise 
 on pain of being shot, and carried mo on 
 board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to 
 1 3 a smugsrling cutter. This discovery gave 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 101 
 
 me some satisfaction at first, because I con- 
 cludeil myself safe from the resentment of Sir 
 Timothy; but, when I found myself in the 
 hands of ruffians, who threatened to execute 
 me for a spy, 1 would have thought myself 
 happily quit for a year's imprisonment, or 
 even transportation. It was in vain for me 
 to protest my innocence : I could not persuade 
 them that I had taken a solitary walk to their 
 haunt, at suth an hour, merely for my own 
 amusement ; and I did not think it my inte- 
 rest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, 
 because I was afraid they would have made 
 their peace with justice by surrenderinj^ me 
 to the penalty of the law. What confirmed 
 their suspicion was, the appearance of a 
 custom-house yacht, which gave them chase, 
 and had well nijjh m ule a prize of their ves- 
 sel ; when they were delivered from their fears 
 by a thick fog', which effectually screened them, 
 and favoured their arrival at I3oulo^'ue. But, 
 before they got out of sight of their pursuer, 
 they held a council of war about me, and 
 some of the most ferocious among them would 
 have thrown me overboard as a traitor who 
 ha<l betrayed them to their enemies ; but 
 others, more considerate, alleged, that if they 
 pnt me to death, and should afterwards bo 
 taken, they could expect no mercy from the 
 legislature, which would never pardon out- 
 lawry aiz'jravatod by murder. It was there- 
 fore di'f cniiincd by a plurality of votes, that 
 I should bo set on shore in Frauce, and left 
 to find my way back to England, as I should 
 think proper, this being punishment suttioient 
 for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not 
 capital. 
 
 Although this favourable determination 
 gave me great pleasure, the apprehension of 
 being robbed would not suffer mo to be per- 
 fectly at ease. To prevent this calamity, aa 
 soon as I was untied, in consequence of the 
 aforesaid decision, I tore a small hole in one 
 of my stockings, into which I dropped six 
 guineas, reserving half a ])ioce and some sil- 
 ver in my pocket, that, finding sometliing, 
 they might not be tempted to make any fur- 
 ther inquiry. This was a very necessary pro- 
 caution, for, when we came within sight of 
 the French shore, one of the smugglers told 
 me, I must pay for my passage. To this de- 
 claration I replied, that my passage was none 
 of my own seeking ; therefore they could not 
 expect a reward from me for transporting mo 
 into a strange country by force. ' D — me ! ' 
 said the outlaw, ' none of your palaver ; but 
 let me see what money you have got.' So 
 saying, ho thrust his hand into my pocket 
 without any ceremony, and emptied it of the 
 contents ; then, casting an eye at my hat 
 and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took 
 them off, and, clapping his own on my head, 
 declared, that a fair exchange was no rob- 
 bery. I wa."", fain to put up with the bargain, 
 which was by no means favourable to me ; 
 and a little while after wo went all on shore 
 together. 
 
 I resolved to take my leave of these despe- 
 radoes without much ceremony, when one of 
 them cautioned me against appearing to their 
 prejudice if ever I returned to England, un- 
 less I had a mind to be murdered ; for which 
 service, he assured me, the gang never wanted 
 agents. I promised to observe his advice, and 
 departed for the Upper Town, where I in- 
 quired for a cabaret, or public-house, into 
 wliich I went, with an intention of taking 
 some refreshment. In the kitchen, five Dutch 
 sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a 
 firkin of butter, and a keg of brandy, the 
 bung of which they often applied to their 
 mouths with great perseverance and satisfac- 
 tion. At some distance from them I per- 
 ceived another person in the same garb, sit- 
 ting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining 
 himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the 
 stump of a pipe as black as jet. The appear- 
 ance of distress never failed to attract my 
 regard and compassion. I approached this 
 forlorn t<'ir with a view to offer him my as- 
 sistance, and, notwithstanding the alteration 
 of dress and disguise of a long beard, I dis- 
 covered in him my long 16st and lamented 
 uncle and benefactor. Lieutenant Bowling ! 
 Good Heaven ! what were the agitations of 
 my soul, between the joy of finding again 
 such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of 
 seeing him in such a low condition ! Tho 
 tears gushed down my cheeks ; I stood mo- 
 tionless and silent for some time. At length, 
 recovering the use of speech, I exclaimed, 
 ' Gracious God I Mr. Bowling ! ' My uncle 
 no sooner heard his name mentioned, than 
 he started up, crying, with some surprise, 
 'Holla!' and, after having looked at me 
 steadfastly, without being able to recollect 
 me, said, ' Did you call me, brother ? ' I told 
 him I had something extraordinary to com- 
 municate, and desired him to give me the 
 hearing for a few minutes in another room ; 
 but he would by no means consent to this pro- 
 posal, saying, ' Avast there, friend : none of 
 your tricks upon travellers ; — if you have any- 
 thing to say to me, do it above board ; — you 
 need not be afraid of being overheard ; — here 
 are none who understand our lingo.' Though 
 I was loth to discover myself before com- 
 pany, I could no longer refrain from telling 
 him I was his own nephew, Roderick Random. 
 On this information, he considered me with 
 great earnestness and aistonishment, and, re- 
 calling my features, which, though enlarged, 
 were not entirely altered since he had seen 
 me, came up, and shook mo by the hand very 
 cordially, protesting ho was glad to see me 
 well. After some pause, he went on thus : 
 ' And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you imder 
 such colours ; the more so, as it is not in my 
 power, at present, to change them for the 
 better, times being very hard with me.' With 
 these words I could perceive a tear trickle down 
 his furrowed cheek, which affected me so 
 much that I wept bitterly. 
 
 Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my 
 
102 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 own misfortunes, he comforted me with observ- 
 ing, that life was a voyage in which we must 
 expect to meet with all weathers; sometimes 
 it was calm, sometimes rough ; that a fair 
 gale often succeeded a storm ; that the wind 
 did not always sit one way, and that despair 
 signified nothing; but that resolution and 
 skill were better than a stout vessel : for 
 why ? because they require no carpenter, and 
 grow stronger the more labour they undergo. 
 I dried up my tears, which I assured him were 
 not shed for my own distress, but for his, and 
 begged leave to accompany him into another 
 room, where we could converse more at our 
 ease. There I recounted to him the ungene- 
 rous usage I had met with from Potion ; at 
 which relation ho started up, stalked across 
 the room three or four times in a great hurry, 
 and, grasping his cudgel, cried, ' I would I 
 were alongside of him — that's all — I would I 
 were alongside of him ! ' I then gave him a 
 detail of my adventures and sufferings, which 
 affected him more than I could have imagined ; 
 and concluded with telling him that Captain 
 Oakum was still alive, and that he might re- 
 turn to England when he would to solicit his 
 affairs, without danger or molestation. He 
 was wonderfully pleased with this piece of in- 
 formation, of which, however, he said he could 
 not at present avail himself, for want of money 
 to pay for his passage to London. Tliis objec- 
 tion I soon removed, by putting five guineas 
 into his hand, and telling him I thought my. 
 self extremely happy in having an opportu- 
 nity of manifesting my gratitude to him in 
 his necessity. But it was with the utmost 
 difHculty I could prevail upon him to accept 
 of two, which he affirmed were more than 
 sufficient to defray the necessary expense. 
 
 After this friendly contest was over, ho pro- 
 posed we should have a mess of something ; 
 ' For,' said he, ' it has been banyan day with 
 me a great while. You must know I was 
 shipwrecked, five days ago, near a place called 
 Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen 
 who are now drinking below ; and having but 
 little money when I came ashore, it was soon 
 spent, because I let them have share and 
 share while it lasted. Howsomever, 1 should 
 have remeniliero 1 the old saying, tJrcry ho(i 
 his own apple ; for when they fonnd my hold 
 unstowcd, they Avont all hands to shooling 
 and begging ; and, because I would not take 
 a spell at the same duty, refused to give mo 
 the least assistance ; so that I have not broke 
 bread these two days. I was shocked at the 
 extremity of his distress, and ordered some 
 bread, cheese, and wine, to be brought imme- 
 diately, to allay his hunger, until a fricasee of 
 chickens could bo prepared. WTien he had re- 
 cruited his spirits with this homely fare, I 
 desired to know the particulars of his pere- 
 grination sisce the accident at Capo Tiberoon, 
 which were briefly these : The money he had 
 about him being all spent at Port Louis, the 
 civility and hospitality of the French cooled 
 to such a degi-ee, that ho was obliged to list 
 
 on board one of their king's ships as a com- 
 mon foremast man, to prevent himself from 
 starving on shore. In this situation he con- 
 tinued two years, during which time he had 
 acquired some knowledge of their language, 
 and the reputation of a good seaman ; tho 
 ship he belonged to was ordered home to 
 France, where she was laid up as unfit for 
 service, and he was received on board one of 
 Monsieur D'Antin's squadron, in quality of 
 quartermaster ; which office he performed in 
 a voyage to the West Indies, where he engaged 
 with our ship, as before related ; but his con- 
 science upbraiding him for serving the ene- 
 mies of his country, ho quitted tho ship at tho 
 same place where he first listed, and got to 
 Cura<^oa in a Dutch vessel ; there he bar- 
 gained with a skipper, bound to Europe, to 
 work for his passage to Holland, from whence 
 he was in hopes of hearing from his friends 
 in England ; but was cast away, as he men- 
 tioned before, on the French coast, and must 
 have been reduced to the necessity of travel- 
 ling on foot to Holland, and begging for his 
 subsistence on the road, or of entering on 
 board of another French man-of-war, at tho 
 hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Pro- 
 vidence had not sent mo to his succour. 'And 
 now, my lad,' continued he, ' I think I shall 
 steer my course directly to London, whore I 
 do not doubt of being replaced, and of having 
 the R taken off me l)y tho Lords of the Ad- 
 miralty, to whom I intend to write a petition, 
 setting forth my case ; if I succeed, I shall 
 have wherewithal to give you some assistance, 
 because, when I left the ship, I had two years' 
 pay due to me, therefore I desire to know 
 whither you are bound : and besides, perhaps, 
 I may have interest enough to procure a war- 
 rant appointing you surgeon's mate of tho 
 ship to which I shall belong — for the bcadlo 
 of the Admiralty is my good friend : and he 
 and one of the under clerks aro sworn bro- 
 thers, and that under clerk has a good deal 
 to say with one of the upper clerks, who is 
 very well known to the under secretary, who, 
 upon his recommendation, I hope, will recom- 
 mend my affair to tho first secretary ; and ho 
 again will speak to one of the lords in my be- 
 half ; so that you see I do not want friends to 
 assist me on occasion. As for the fellow 
 Crampley, thof I know him not, I am suro 
 he is neither seaman nor officer, by what you 
 have told me, or else he could never be so 
 much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run tho 
 ship on shore on the coast of Sussex before ho 
 believed him.self in .soundings ; neither, when 
 that accident happened, would ho have left 
 the ship until she had been stove to pieces, 
 especially when the tide was making ; where- 
 fore, by this time, I do suppose, he has been 
 tried by a court-martial, and executed for his 
 cowardice and misconduct.' 
 
 I could not hi'lp smiling at the description 
 of my uncle's ladder, by which he proposed to 
 climb to the attention of the board of admi- 
 ralty ; and, though I knew the world too well 
 
RODERICK RANDOif. 
 
 103 
 
 to confide in such dependence myself, I would 
 not discourage him with doubts, but asked 
 if he had no friend in London, who would 
 advance a small sum of money to enable him 
 to appear as he ought, and make a small pre- 
 sent to the under secretary, who might pos- 
 sibly dispatch his business the sooner on that 
 account. He scratched his head, and after 
 some recollection, replied, ' "WTij', yes, I be- 
 lieve Daniel Whipcord, the ship-chandler in 
 Wapping, would not refuse me such a small 
 matter. I know I can have what credit I 
 want for lodging, liquor, and clothes ; but as 
 to money, I won't be positive. Had honest 
 Block been living, I should not have been at 
 a loss.' I was heartily sorry to find a worthy 
 man so destitute of friends, when he had such 
 need of them, and looked upon my own situ- 
 ation as less miserable than his, because I was 
 bettor acquainted with the selfishness and 
 roguery of mankind, consequently less liable 
 to disappointment and imposition. 
 
 CHAPTEE XLH. 
 
 He takes his passage in a cxtfler for Deal — we 
 are accosted b\i a Priest, who proves to he a 
 Scotchman — his profession of fnendship — 
 he is affronted hy the Lieutenant, u'ho afler- 
 •irards appeases him !>)/ submission — »uj/ 
 Uncle embarks — I am introduced by a Priest 
 to a Capuchin, in ichose company I set out 
 for Paris — the cluiracter of my fellow tra- 
 veller — an adventure on the road — I am 
 shocked at his beliaviour. 
 
 WHEN our repast was ended, wo walked 
 down to the harbour, whore we found 
 a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the 
 evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his 
 passjige. In the meantime, we sauntered about 
 the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conver- 
 sation turning on the subject of my design>-, 
 which were not as yet fixed : neither can it bo 
 supposed that my mind was at ease, when I 
 foujid myself reduced almost to extreme po- 
 verty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom 
 I hatl not one acquaintance to ailvise or be- 
 friend me. My uncle was sensible of my 
 forlorn condition, and pressed me to accom- 
 pany him to England, where he did not doubt 
 of finding some sort of provision for me ; but 
 besides tiie other reasons I had for avoiding 
 that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, 
 as the worst country in the universe for 
 a poor honest man to live in ; and there- 
 fore determined to remain in France, at all 
 events. 
 
 I was confirmed in this resolution by a 
 reverend priest, who, passing by at this time, 
 and overhearing us speak English, accosted 
 us in the same language, telling us he was 
 our countryman, and wisliing it might be in 
 his power to do us any service. We thanked 
 this grave person for his courteous oflFer, and 
 invited him to drink a glass with us, which he 
 did not think proper to refuse, and wo went 
 
 altogether into a tavern of his recommending. 
 After having drunk to our healths in a bum- 
 per of good Burgundy, he began to inquire 
 into our situation, particularly the place of 
 our nativity, which we no sooner named than 
 he started up, and, wringing our hands with 
 great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, 
 ' I come from the same part of the country ! 
 perhaps you are my own relations.' I was on 
 my guard against his caresses, which I sus- 
 pected very much, when I remembered the 
 adventure of the money-dropper ; but, with- 
 out any appearance of diffidence, observed, 
 that, as he was born in that part of the 
 country, he must certainly know our families, 
 which (howsoever mean our present appear- 
 ance might be) were none of the most obscure 
 or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our 
 names, to which I found he was no stranger ; 
 he had known my grandfather personally; 
 and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty 
 years from Scotland, recounted so many par- 
 ticulars of the families in the neighbourhood, 
 that my scruples were entirely removed, and 
 I thought myself happy in his acquaintance. 
 In the course of our conversation, I disclosed 
 my condition without reserve, and displayed 
 my talents to such advantage, that the old 
 father looked upon me with admiration, and 
 assured me, that, if I stayed in France, and 
 listened to reason, I could not fail of making 
 my fortune, to which ho would contribute all 
 in his power. 
 
 My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's 
 insinuation, and very abruptly declared, that 
 if over I should renounce my religion, ho 
 would break off all connection and corre- 
 spondence with me ; for it was his opinion, 
 that no honest man would swerve from the 
 principles in which, he was bred, whether 
 Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The father, 
 affronted at this declaration, with great ve- 
 hemence began along discourse, setting forth 
 the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one's _^ 
 eyes against the light. Ho said, that igno- 
 rance would be no plea towards justification, 
 when wo had opportunities of being better 
 informed ; and, that, if the minds of people ' 
 had not been open to conviction, the Chri.stian 
 religion could not have been propagated in 
 the world, and we should now be in a state of 
 Pagan darkness and barbarity : he endea- 
 voured to prove, by some texts of Scripture 
 and many quotations from the Fathers, that 
 the Pope was the successor of St. Peter, and 
 vicar of Jesus Christ ; that the church of 
 Rome was the true, holy, catholic church ; \ 
 and that the Protestant faith was an impious 
 heresy and damnable schism, by which many l 
 millions of sonls would suffer everlasting 
 perdition. 
 
 When he had finished his sermon, which I 
 thought he pronounced with more zeal than 
 discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, 
 aad desired to know his objections to what 
 had been said. The lieutenant, whose atten- 
 tion had been wholly engrossed by his own 
 
104 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 affairs, took the pipe out of his month, and 
 ' replied, ' As for me, friend, d'j'e see, I have 
 no objection to what you saj^; it may bo 
 either truth or false, for what I know ; I med- 
 dle with nobody's affairs but my own ; the 
 gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to 
 the helm, as the Siiying is. I trust to no 
 creed but the compass, and do unto every 
 man as I would be done by; so that I defy 
 the Pope, the Devil, and the Pretender ; and 
 hope to be saved as well as another.' This 
 ^ association of persons gave great offence 
 to the friar, who protested, in a mighty 
 passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been 
 his countryman, he would have caused him 
 to be imprisoned for his insolence ; I ven- 
 tured to disapprove of my uncle's rash- 
 ness, and appeased the old gentleman, by 
 assuring him there was no offence in- 
 tended by my kinsman, who, by this 
 time sensible of his error, shook the in- 
 jured party by the hand, and asked pardon 
 for the freedom ho had taken. Matters being 
 amicably compromised, ho invited us to come 
 and see him in the afternoon at the convent 
 to which he belonged, and took his leave for 
 the present ; when my uncle recommended it 
 stronglj' to mo to persevere in tlie religion of 
 my forefathers, whatever advantages I might 
 propose to myself by a change, which could 
 not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonour- 
 ing my family. I assured liim no consideration 
 should induce me to forfeit his friend-ship and 
 good opinion on that score ; at which lussur- 
 ance ho discovered great satisfaction, and 
 put me in mind of dinner, wliich wo imme- 
 diately bespoke, and when it was ready ate 
 together. 
 
 I imagined my acquaintance Avith the 
 Scottish priest, if properly managed, might 
 turn out to my advantage, and therefore re- 
 polved to cultivate it a.s much as I could. 
 With this view we visitt><l him at his convent, 
 according to his invitation, where he treated 
 us with wine and sweetmeats, and showed us 
 everything "'.hat wa.s remarkable in the 
 monastery. Having been thus entertained, 
 wo took our leave, though not before I had 
 promised to we him next day; and the time 
 fixed for my I'ucle's embarking being come, 
 I accompanied him to the harbour, and saw 
 him on board. "^Vo parted not without tears, 
 after we had eml'-aced and wished one ano- 
 ther all manner ^f prosperity: and ho en- 
 treated me to writ i to him often, directing to 
 Lieutenant Bowlinpr, at the sign of the Union 
 Flag, near the HcruMtage, London. 
 
 I returned to the house in which wo had 
 met, where I passed I'lo night in a very soli- 
 tary manner, reflectrnj; on the severity of my 
 fate, and endeavouring ''o project some likely 
 scheme of life for tne fn'^ure ; but my inven- 
 tion failed me : I saw nothing but insur- 
 mountable difficulties in my way, and was 
 ready to desjiair at the miserable prospect ! 
 That I mii^'ht not, however, neglect any i)ro- 
 bable moans, I gut up in \ be morning, and 
 
 went directly to the father, whose advice and 
 assistance I implored. He received me very 
 kindly, and gave me to understand, that 
 there was one way of life in which a person 
 of my talents could not fail of making a 
 great figure. I guessed his meaning, and told 
 him, once for all, I was fully determined 
 against any alteration in point of religion ; 
 therefore, if his propos.al regarded the church, 
 he might save himself the trouble of explain- 
 ing it. He shook his head, and .sighed, saying, 
 ' Ah ! son, son, what a glorious prospect is 
 here spoiled by your stubborn prejudice! 
 Suffer yourself to be persuaded by rea-son, 
 and consult your temporal welfare, as well as 
 the concerns of your eternal .soul. I can, by 
 my interest, pmcure, your admission as a 
 noviciate into this convent, where I will su- 
 perintend and direct you with a truly paternal 
 affection.' Then he launched out into tho 
 praises of a monastic life, which no noise ms- 
 turbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades 
 — where the heart is weaned from carnal at- 
 tachments, tho grosser appetite subdued and 
 chastised, and the soul waftcil to divine re- 
 gions of philosophy and truth, on the wings 
 of studious contemplation. But his eloquence 
 w;us lost upon me, wliom two considerations 
 enabled to withstand his temptation; namely, 
 my promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an 
 ecclesiastical life ; for, as to the difference of 
 religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too 
 small moment to come in competition with n 
 man's fortune. Finding me immovable on 
 this liciul, he told me, ho was more sorry 
 than offended at my noncompliance, and still 
 ready to employ his goo<l offices in mj* behalf. 
 'The same erroneous maxims,' said he, ' that 
 obstruct your promotion in the church, will 
 infallil>ly prevent your advancement in tho 
 army ; but, if you can brook the condition of 
 a servant, I am acquainted ^vith some people 
 of rank at Ver.-iailles, to whom I can give 5'ou 
 letters of recommendation, that you may be 
 entertained by some one of them in quality 
 ofmaitre d'Jtolrl ; and I do not doubt that 
 j"our qualifications will soon entitle you to a 
 better provision.' I ombrar-eil his otf'er with 
 great eagerness, and he apjjointed mo to come 
 back in tho afternoon, when he would not 
 only give me letters, but likewise introduce 
 me to a capuchin of his ocqmiintance, who 
 intended to set out for Paris next morning in 
 whose company I might travel, without being 
 at the ciponsc of one livro during tho whole 
 journey. This piece of good news gave mo 
 infinite pleasure ; I acknowledged my obliga- 
 tion to the benevolent father in the most 
 grateful expressions ; and lio performed his 
 promise to a tittle, in delivering tho letters, 
 and making me acquainted with tho capuchin, 
 with whom I departed next morning by break 
 of day. 
 
 It was not long before I discovered my 
 fellow traveller to be a merry facetious fellow, 
 who, notwithstanding his profession and ap- 
 pearance of mortification, loved good eating 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 105 
 
 and drinking better than his rosary, and paid 
 moro adoration to a pretty girl than to the 
 Virgin Mary, or St. Genevieve. He was a thick 
 brawny young man, with red eyebrows, a 
 hook nose, a face covered with freckles ; and 
 his name was Fro re Balthazar. His order did 
 not permit him to wear linen, so that, having 
 little occasion to undi-ess himself, he was none 
 of the cleanliest animals in the world ; and his 
 constitution was naturally so stronglj' scouted 
 that I always thought it convenient to keep 
 to the windward of him in our march. As ho 
 was perfectly well known on the road, we 
 fared sumptuously without any cost, and the 
 fatigue of our journey was much alleviated 
 by the good humour of my companion, who 
 sang an infinite number of catches on the 
 subjects of love and wine. We took up our 
 lodging the first night at a peasant's house 
 not far from Abbeville, where we were enter- 
 tained with an excellent ragout, cooked by 
 our landlord's daughters, one of whom was 
 very liandsome. After hav ing eaten he rtily 
 and drank a sutRcicnt quantity of smidl wine, 
 •wo were conducted to a barn, whore we found 
 a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw 
 for our reception. Vn'c had not lain in this 
 situation above half-.in-hour, when we heard 
 somebody knock softly at the door, u|)on 
 which Balthazar got u]), and let in our host's 
 two daughters, who wante<l to have some 
 private conversation with him in the dark. 
 Wien they had whispered together some 
 time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if 
 I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted 
 as to refuse a share o{ my bed to a pretty 
 maid, who had a tciidro for me? I must own, 
 to my shame, that I suffered myself to bo 
 overcome by mv passion, and with great 
 eagornofls soi/.ol tl',- ' ti, when I under- 
 
 stood tiiut tilt! umia Lto was to be my 
 
 betlfellow. In vain did ujy reason suggest 
 the respect that I owed to my dear mistress 
 Narcissa ; tlio idea of that lovely charmer 
 rather increased than allayed the ferment of 
 my spirits ; and the young jjaj/saiinc had no 
 reason to complain of my remembrance. 
 Early in the morning, tho kind creatures left 
 ns to our repose, whidi lasted till eight 
 o'clock, when we got up, and wore treated at 
 breakfaist with chocolate and I'can-de-vie by 
 our paramours, of whom we took a tender 
 leave, after my companion had confessed and 
 given them absolution. 
 
 AVhile we proceeded on our journey, tho 
 conversation turned upon tho night's adven- 
 ture, being introduced by tho capuchin, who 
 asked me how I liked my lodging ; I declared 
 my satisfaction, and talked in rapture of the 
 agreeable Nanette ; at which he shook his 
 head, and smiling said, she was a morceau 
 pour la bonne bouche. ' I never valued my- 
 self,' continued he, ' upon anything so much 
 as the conquest of Nanette ; and, vanity 
 apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my 
 amours.' This information shocked me not a 
 little, as I was well convinced of his inticiacy 
 
 with her sister ; and, though I did not care 
 to tax him with downriglit incest, I jirofessed 
 my astonishment at his last night's choice, 
 when, I supposed, the other was at his devo- 
 tion. To this hint he answered, that, besides 
 his natural complaisance to the sex, he had 
 another reason to distribute Ids favours 
 equally between them, namelj', to preserve 
 peace in the family, which could not other- 
 wise be maintained ; that, moreover, Nanette 
 had conceived an affection for me, and he 
 loved her too well to balk her inclination ; 
 more especially, when he had an opportunity 
 of obliging his friend at the same time. I 
 thanked him for this instance of his friend- 
 ship, though I was extromly disgusted at his 
 want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion 
 that threw me in his way Libertine as I was, I 
 could not bear to see a man behave so wide of 
 tho character he assumed. I looked upon 
 him as a person of very little worth or 
 honesty, and should even have kept a wary 
 eye ui>on my pocket, if I had thought he 
 coulil have had any temptation to steal. But 
 I could not conceive the use of money to a 
 cajiuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his 
 onler, to appear like a beggar, and enjoy all 
 other necessaries of life i/)'(i^i,s- ; besides, my 
 fellow traveller seemed to be o{ a complexion 
 too careless and sanguine to give me any 
 apprehension on that score ; so that I pro- 
 ceeded with great conlidence, in expectation 
 of being soon at my journey's epd. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am 
 robbed by the Capuchin, who escapes while 
 I am aslecji — / go to Noyons in search of 
 him, but wit}u>ut Success — make my Con- 
 dition hiou'ii to several People, but find no 
 Relief — <jrow desperate^oin a Company of 
 Soldiers — Enlist m </w Regiment of I'icardy 
 — we are ordered into Gci'mavy — 1 find the 
 Fatigues of the March ahnost intolerable — 
 Quarrel witli my Comrade in a disptite 
 about Politics — he challenges me to the 
 Field — wounds and disar7)is tne. 
 
 THE third night of our pilgrimage we 
 passed at a house near Amiens, where 
 Balthazar being unknown, we supped upon 
 indifferent fare and sour wine, and were fain 
 to lie in a garret upon an old mattress, which, 
 I believe, had been in the posse.«sion of ten 
 thousand myriads of fleas time out of mind. 
 We did not invade their territory with im- 
 punity; in less than a minute wo were at- 
 tacked by stings innumerable, in spite of 
 which, however, I fell fast asleep, being ex- 
 cessively fatigued with our day's march, and 
 did not wake till nine next morning, when, 
 seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible 
 fright, and, examining my pockets, found my 
 presaging fear too true ! My companion had 
 made free with my cash, and left me to seek 
 my way to Paris by myself! I ran down 
 
lOG 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 stairs immediately ; and, with a look full of 
 prief and amazement, inquired for the mendi- 
 cant, who, they gave me to understand, had set 
 out four hours before, after having told them 
 I was a little indisposed, and desired I might 
 not be disturbed, but be informed when I 
 should wake, that he had taken the road to 
 Noyons, where he would wait for my coming, 
 at the Coq d'Or. I spoke not a word, but 
 with a hea\'y heart directed my course to that 
 place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, 
 fainting with weariness and hunger ; but 
 learned, to my utter confusion, that no such 
 person had been there ! It was happy for me 
 that I had a good deal of resentment in my 
 constitution, which animated me on such oc- 
 casions against the villany of mankind, and 
 enabled me to bear misfortunes, otherwise in- 
 tolerable. Boiling with indignation, I dis- 
 covered to the host my deplorable condition, 
 and inveighed with great bitterness against 
 the treachery of Balthazar; at which he 
 shrugged up his shoulders, and with a pecu- 
 liar grimace on his covmtenancc, said, he was 
 sorry for my misfortune, but there was no 
 remedy like patience. At that instant some 
 guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer 
 his service, leaving me mortified at his indif- 
 ference, and fully persuaded that an inn- 
 keeper is the same sordid animal all the 
 world over. 
 
 While I stood in the porch forlorn and un- 
 determined, venting ejaculations of curses 
 against the thief who had robbed me, and the 
 old priest who recommended him to my 
 friendship, a young gentleman richly dressed, 
 attended by a valet dc chamhrc and two 
 servants in livcrj", arrived at the inn. I 
 thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness 
 and good-nature in his countenance ; there- 
 fore, he had no sooner alighted than I accosted 
 him, and, in a few words, erplained my situ- 
 ation : he listened with great politeness, and, 
 when I made an end of my story, said, ' Well, 
 monsieur, what would you have me to do ? ' 
 I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, 
 which, I believe, no man of common sense or 
 generosity could make, and made no other 
 compliment than a low bow : he returned the 
 compliment still lower, and tripped into an 
 apartment, while the landlord let mc know 
 that my standing there to interrupt company 
 gave offence, and might do him mfinito pre- 
 judiee. Ho had no occasion to repeat his 
 insinuation ; I moved from the place imme- 
 diately, and was so much transported with 
 grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of 
 blood gushed from my nostrils. In this 
 ccstacy, I quitted Noyons, and betook mjsolf 
 to the field.^, where I wandered about like 
 one distracted, till my spirits were quite 
 exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself 
 down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied 
 limbs. Hero my rage forsook mo : I began to 
 feel the importunate cravings of nature, and 
 relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy 
 reflection. I rcTolved all the crimes I bad 
 
 been guilty of, and found them so few and 
 venial, that I could not comprehend the j ustice 
 of that Providence, which, after having ex- 
 posed me to so much wretchedness and danger, 
 left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign 
 country, where I had not one friend or ac- 
 quaintance to close my eyes, and do the last 
 offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. 
 A thousand times I -Nnshed myself a bear, 
 that I might retreat to woods and deserts, far 
 from the inhospitable haunts of man, where 
 I could live by my own talents, indepen- 
 dent of treacherous friends and supercilious 
 scorn. 
 
 As I lay in this manner, groaning over my 
 hapless fate, I heard the sound or a vioUn, 
 and raising my head, perceived a company of 
 men and women dancing on the grass at some 
 distance from me. I looked upon this to be 
 a favourable season for distress to attract 
 compassion, when every selfish thought is 
 banished, and the heart dilated with mirth 
 and social joy ; wherefore I got up, and ap- 
 proached those happy people, whom I soon 
 discovered to be a party of soldiers, with 
 their wives and children, unbending and di- 
 verting themselves at this rate, after the 
 fatigue of a march. I had never before seen 
 such a parcel of scarecrows together, neither 
 could I reconcile their meagre and gaunt 
 looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and 
 every other external sjTnptom of extreme woe, 
 with thLs appearance of festivity. I saluted 
 them, however, and was received with great 
 politeness ; after which they formed a ring, 
 and danced around me. This jollity had a 
 wonderful effect upon my spirits. I was in- 
 fected with their gaiety, and in spite of my 
 dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined 
 in their extravagance. When we had recre- 
 ated ourselves a good while at this diversion, 
 the ladies .spread their manteaus on the 
 ground, upon which they emptied their knap- 
 sacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few 
 flasks of poor wine : being invited to a share 
 of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and, 
 in the whole course of my life, never made a 
 more comfortable meal. When our repast 
 was ended, wo got up again to dance ; and, 
 now that I found myself refreshed, I behaved 
 to the admiration of everybody ; I was loaded 
 with a thou.iand compliments and professions 
 of friendship .- the men commended my person 
 and agility, and the women were loud in the 
 praise of my bonne grace; the sergeant in 
 particular expressed so much regard for me, 
 and described the plca.surcs of a soldier's life 
 with so much art, that I l)Ogan to listen to 
 his proposal cf enlisting me in the service ; 
 and the more I considered my own condition, 
 the more I was convinceil of the necessity I 
 was under to come to a speedy determination. 
 
 Having, therefore, maturely weighed tho 
 circumstances j)'>'o 'md am, I signified my 
 consent, and was admitted into the regiment 
 of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in 
 Europe. The company to which this cow 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 107 
 
 mander hclonpred was quartered at a village 
 not far oft', whither we marched next day, and 
 I was presented to my captain, who seemed 
 very well pleased with my appearance, gave 
 me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be 
 accommodated with clothes, arms, and ac- 
 coutrements. Then I sold my livery suit, 
 purchased linen, and, as I was at groat pains 
 to learn the exercise, in a very short time be- 
 came a complete soldier. 
 
 It was not long before we received orders 
 to join several more regiments, and march 
 with all expedition into Germany, in order to 
 reinforce Mareschal Due de Noailles, who 
 was then encamped with his army on the side 
 of the River Mayne, to watch the motions 
 of the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and 
 Hessians, under the command of the Earl of 
 Stair. We began our march accordingly, and 
 then I became acquainted with that part of a 
 soldier's life to which I had been hitherto a 
 stranger. It is impo.-ssiblo to dcsrribe tho 
 hunger and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue 
 I underwent in a march of so many hundred 
 miles ; during which, I was so much chafed 
 with the heat and motion of my limbs, that 
 in a very short time the inside of my thighs 
 and legs were deprived of skin, and I pro- 
 ceeded in the utmost torture. This misfor- 
 tune I owe<l to the plumpness of my consti- 
 tution, which I cursed, and envied tho withered 
 condition of my oomnules, whose bodies 
 could not spare juice enough to supply a 
 common issue, and wore indeed proof ag'ainst 
 all manner of friction. The continual pain I 
 felt miulo mo fretful, and my peevishness was 
 increased by the mortification of my pride 
 in seeing those miserable wretches, whom 
 a hard gale of wind would have scattered 
 through tho air like chaff, bear those 
 toils with alacrity under which I was ready 
 to sink. 
 
 One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and tho 
 soldiers with their wives had gone out to 
 dance, according to custom, my comrade 
 stayed at home witli me on pretence of frieml- 
 ship, and insulted me with his pity and con- 
 solation ! He told me that, though I was 
 young and tender at present, I should soon 
 be seasoned to the service ; and he did not 
 doubt but I should have the honour to con- 
 tribute in some measure to tho glory of the 
 king. 'Have courage, therefore, my child,' 
 said he, ' and pray to the good God, that you 
 may be as happy as I am, who have had tho 
 honour of serving Louis the Great, and of re- 
 ceiving many wounds in helping to establish 
 his glory.' When I looked upon the contempti- 
 ble object that pronounced these words, I 
 was amazed at the infatuation that possessed 
 him ; and could not help expressing my as- 
 tonishment at the absurdity of a rational 
 being, who thinks himself highly honoured 
 in being permitted to encounter abject po- 
 verty, oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, 
 and evident death, merely to gratify the 
 vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his 
 
 sufferings were disregarded, and his name I 
 utterly unknown. I observed that, if his 
 situation were the consequence of compulsion, 
 I would praise his patience and fortitude in ) 
 bearing his lot : if he had taken up arms in 
 defence of his injured country, ho was to bo 
 applauded for his patriotism : or if ho had . 
 fled to this way of life as a refuge from a ^ 
 greater evil, he was justifiable in his own con- 
 science (though I could have no notion of 
 misery more extreme than ho suffered) ; but to 
 put his condition on the footing of conducing 
 to the glory of his prince, was no more than 
 professing himself a desperate slave, who 
 voluntarily underwent the utmost wretched- 
 ness and peril, and committed tho most fla- 
 grant crimes, to soothe the barbarous prido 
 of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing 
 but the power ho derived from the submission 
 of such wretches as him. The soldier was 
 very much affronted at the liberty I took with 
 his king, which, he said, nothing but my igno- 
 rance could excuse : he atHrmed that tho 
 characters of princes were sacred, and ought 
 not to bo profaned by the censure of their 
 subjects, who were bound by their allegiance 
 to obey their commands, of what naturo 
 soever, without scruple or repining ; and ad- 
 vised me to correct tho rebellious principles I 
 ha<l imbibed among the English, who, for 
 their insolence to their kings, were notorious 
 all over the world, even to a proverb. 
 
 In vindication of my countrymen, I re- 
 peated all tho arguments commonly used to 
 prove that every man has a natural right to 
 liberty ; that allegiance and protection aro 
 reciprocal ; that, when tho mutual tie is 
 broken by tho tyraimy of the king, he is 
 accountable to the people for his breach of 
 contract, and subject to the penalties of the 
 law ; and that those insurrections of tho 
 Engli.sh, which are branded with tho name 
 of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, 
 were no other than glorious efforts to rescue 
 that independence which was their birthright, 
 from tho ravenous claws of usurping ambi- 
 tion. Tho Frenchman, provoked at the little 
 deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all 
 patience, and reproached me in such a manner 
 that my temper forsook me, and I clenched 
 my fist, with an intention to give him a 
 hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my de- 
 sign, he started back and demanded a parley; 
 upon which I checked my indignation, and ho 
 gav« mo to understand that a Frenchman 
 never forgave a blow ; therefore, if I were 
 not weary of my life, I would do well to spare 
 him that mortification, and do him the honour 
 of measuring his sword with mine, like a 
 gentleman. I took his advice and followed 
 him to a field hard by, where indeed I was 
 ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, 
 who was a poor little shivering creature, 
 decrepid with age, and blind of one eye. But 
 I soon found the folly of judging from appear- 
 ances ; being at the second pass wounded in 
 the sword hand, and immediately disarmed 
 
108 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was 
 dislocated. I was no less confounded than 
 enraged at this event, especially as my adver- 
 sary did not bear his success with all the 
 moderation that might have been expected ; 
 for he insisted upon my asking pardon for 
 affronting his king and him. This proposal 
 I would by no means comply with, but told 
 him, it was a mean condescension, which no 
 gentleman in his circumstances ought to pro- 
 pose, nor any in my situation ought to per- 
 form; and that, if ho persisted in his 
 ungenerous demand, I would in my turn 
 claim satisfaction with my musket, when 
 we should be more upon a par than with 
 the sword, of which he seemed so much 
 master. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIV. 
 
 In order to he revenged, I learn the Science of 
 Defence — %vejoin Mareschal Due de Noailles 
 are engaged icith tlie Allies at Dettingeu, 
 and put to fiigM — the behaviour of the 
 French Soldiers on that occasion — I indus. 
 triously seek another conibat vith the old 
 Gascon, and vanquish him in my turn — our 
 regiment is put into Winter Quarters at 
 Bheims, where I find my friend Strap — oxir 
 Recognition — he supplies me nnth Mone\i, 
 and procures my Discluirge — xce take a trip 
 to Paris; from tchence, by the v:ay of 
 Flanders, we set out for London ; where we 
 safely arrive. 
 
 HE was disconcerted at this declaration, to 
 which he made no reply, but repaired 
 to the dancers, among whom he recounted 
 his victory with many exaggerations and 
 gasconades ; while I, taking up my sword, 
 went to my quarters, and examined my wound, 
 which I found was of no consequence. The 
 same day an Irish drummer, having heard of 
 my misfortune, visited me, and after having 
 condoled me on the chanee of war, gave mo 
 to understand, that ho was master of the 
 sword, and would in a very short time in- 
 struct me 80 thoroughly in that noble science, 
 that I should be able to chastise the old 
 Gascon for his insolent boasting at my ex- 
 pense. This friendly office he proffered on 
 pretence of the regard he had for his country- 
 men ; but I afterwards learned the true motive 
 was no other than a jealousy he entertained 
 of a correspondence between the Frenchman 
 and his wife, which he did not think proper 
 to resent in person. Be this as it will, I 
 accepted his offer and practised his lessons 
 with such application, that I soon believed 
 myself a match for my conqueror. In the 
 meantime we continued our march, and ar- 
 rived at the Camp of Mareschal Noailles 
 the night before the battle at Dettingen. 
 Notwithstanding the fatigue we had under- 
 gone, our regiment was one of those that were 
 ordered next day to cro<s the river, under the 
 command of the Due de Grammont, to take 
 
 possession of a narrow defile, through which 
 the allies must of necessity have passed at a 
 great disadvantage, or remain where they 
 were, and perish for want of provision, if they 
 would not condescend to surrender at dis- 
 cretion. How they suffered themselves to be 
 pent up in this manner it is not my province 
 to relate : I shall only observe that, when we 
 had taken possession of our ground, I heard 
 an old officer in conversation with another 
 express a surprise at the conduct of Lord 
 Stair, who had the reputation of a good 
 general. But it seems, at this time, that 
 nobleman was overruled, and only acted iu 
 an inferior character ; so that no part of the 
 blame could be imputed to him, who declared 
 his disapprobation of the step, in consequence 
 of which the whole army was in the utmost 
 danger ; but Providence or destiny acted 
 miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Due 
 de Grammont to quit his advantageous post, 
 pass the defile, and attack the English, who 
 were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, 
 and who handled us so roughly that, after 
 having lost a great number of men, we turned 
 our backs without ceremony, and fled with .such 
 precipitation that many hundreds perished 
 iu the river through pure fear and confusion: 
 for the enemy were so generous that tliey did 
 not pursue us one inch of ground ; and, if our 
 consternation would have permitted, we might 
 have retreated with great order and delibe- 
 ration. But, notwithstanding the royal cle- 
 mency of the king of Great Britain, who 
 headed the allies in person, and, no doubt, 
 put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted 
 to five thousand men, among whom wore many 
 officers of distinction. Our miscarriage opened 
 a passage for the foe to Haynan, whither they 
 immediately marched, leaving their sick and 
 wounded to the care of the French, wlio next 
 day took pos.'^ession of the field of battle, 
 ViuVicd the dead, and treated the living with 
 humanity. 
 
 Thi.s circumstance was a great consolation 
 to us, who thence took occasion to claim the 
 victory ; and the genius of the French nation 
 never appeared more conspicuous than now, 
 in the rhodomont-adcs they uttered on the 
 subject of thoir generosity and coura^je. 
 Every man (by his own account) performed 
 feats that eclipsed all the heroes of antiquity. 
 One comj.ared himself to a lion retiring at 
 leisure from his cowardly pursuers, wlio keep 
 at a wary distance, and gall him with their 
 darts. Another likened himself to a bear that 
 retreats with his face to the enemy, who dare 
 not assail him ; and the third assumed the 
 character of a desperate stag, that turns upon 
 the hounds and keeps them at bay. There 
 was not a private soldier engaged, wh© had 
 not by the prowess of his single arm demo- 
 lished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of 
 horse to flight ; and, among others, the meagre 
 Gascon extolled his exploits above those of 
 Hercules or Charlemagne. As I still retained 
 my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in 
 
RODERICK RANDOM, 
 
 109 
 
 my last renoontro with him, and, now that I 
 thoTipht myself qualified, longed for an oppor- 
 tunity to retrieve my honour, I mapmified the 
 valour of the English with all the hyperboles 
 I could imaf^ine, and described the pusilla- 
 nimity of the French in the same style, com- 
 pariDfr them to hares flyingbefore greyhounds, 
 or mice pursueil by cats; and passed an 
 ironical compliment on the speed he exerted 
 in his flight, which, considering his age and 
 intirmitie.'*, I said was surprising. He was 
 stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with 
 an air of threatening disdain, bade me know 
 myself better, and remember the correction 
 I had already received from him for my inso- 
 lence ; for he might not always be in the 
 humour of sparing a wretch who abused his 
 goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply 
 but by a kick on the breech, which overturned 
 him in an instant. Ho started up with 
 wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, 
 atta<:ked mo with great fury. Several people 
 interposed, but, when ho unformed them of 
 its being an affair of honour, they retired, and 
 left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I 
 sustained his onset with little damage, having 
 only received a small scratch on my right 
 shoulder, and, seeing his breath and vigour 
 almost exhausted, a.«saulted him in my turn, 
 closed with him, and wrested his sword out 
 of his hand in tlio struggle. Having thus 
 acquired the victory, I desired hira to beg 
 his life ; to which demand ho made no answer, 
 but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, 
 expanded his hands, elevated the skin on his 
 forehead and eyebrows, and depressed tho 
 comers of his moutli in such a manner, that 
 I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at 
 his grotesque appearance. That I might, 
 however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed 
 without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust 
 his sword up to the hilt in something (it was 
 was not a tansy), that lay smoking on tlio 
 plain, and joined tho rest of tho soldiers with 
 an air of tranquillity and indifference. 
 
 There was nothing more of moment at- 
 tempted by either of tho armies during tho 
 remaining part of tho campaign, which being 
 ended, tho English marched back to the Ne- 
 therlands ; i)art of our army was detached to 
 French Flanders, and our regiment ordered 
 into winter (|uarters in Champagne. It was 
 tho fate of tho grenadier company, to which 
 I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I 
 found myself in tho utmost want of everj'- 
 thing, my pay, which amounted to five sols a 
 day, far from supplying mo with necessaries, 
 being scarce sufficient to procure a wretched 
 subsistence to keep soul and body together ; 
 so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, 
 brought down to the meagre condition of my 
 fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from 
 three tolerable skirts to two pair of sleeves 
 and necks, the bodies having been long ago 
 converted into spatterdashes ; and after all, 
 I was bettor provided than any private man 
 in the regiment. lu this urgency of my 
 
 affairs, I WTote to my undo in England, 
 though my hopes from that quarter wero not 
 at all sanguine, for the reasons I have already 
 explained ; and in the meantime had recourse to 
 my old remedy patience, consoling myself with 
 tho flattering suggestions of a lively imagina- 
 tion, that never abandoned mo in my distress. 
 One daj', while I stood sentinel at tho gate 
 of a general officer, a certain nobleman came 
 to the door, followed by a gentleman in 
 mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him 
 say, ' You may depend upon my good offices.' 
 This assurance was answered by a low bow 
 of the person in black, who, turning to go 
 away, discovered to mo tho individual coun- 
 tenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. 
 I was so much astonished at tho sight, that 
 I lost tho power of utterance, and, befbro I 
 could recollect myself, ho was gone without 
 taking any notice of mo. Indeed, had ho 
 stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to 
 accost him ; because, though I was perfectly 
 well acquainted with tho features of hia face, 
 I could not be positively certain as to the 
 rest of his person, which was very much 
 altered for tho bettor since ho loft mo at 
 London, neither could I conceive by what 
 means he was enabled to appear in the sphere 
 of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, 
 he had not even tho ambition to aspire. But 
 I was too much concerned in the affair to 
 neglect further information, and tlioroforo 
 took the first opportunity of asking the porter 
 if ho know tho gentleman to whom tho mar- 
 quis spoke. Tho Swiss told mo his name was 
 Monsieur d'Estrapes, tliat ho had been valot- 
 de-chambre to an English gentleman lately 
 deceased, and that ho was very much regarded 
 by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, 
 between whom and that nobleman a very 
 intimate friendship had subsisted. Nothing 
 could bo more agreeable to mo than this piece 
 of intelligence, which banished all doubt of 
 its being my friend, who had found means to 
 frenchify his name as well as his behaviour 
 since wo parted. As soon, therefore, as I was 
 relieved, I went to his lodging, according to a 
 direction given mo by tho Swiss, and had tho 
 good fortune to find him at home. That I 
 might surprise hira the more, I concealed my 
 name and business, and only desired tho 
 servant of tho house to tell Monsieur d'Es- 
 trapes that I begged tho honour of half-an- 
 hour's conversation with him. Ho was con- 
 founded and di.sma3'ed at this message, when 
 he understood it was sent by a soldier ; though 
 he was conscious to himself of no crime, all 
 thiit he had heard of the Ba.stille appeared to 
 his imagination with aggravated horror, and 
 it was not before I had waited a considerable 
 time that he had resolution enough to bid 
 the servant show mo up-stairs. 
 
 When I entered his chamber, he returned 
 my bow with great civility, and endeavoured, 
 with forced complaisance, to disguise his 
 fear, which appeared in the paleness of his 
 face, the wildness of his looks, and the shak- 
 
no 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ing of hig limbs. I was diverted at hi3 con- 
 sternation, which redoubled, when I told hira 
 in French, I had business for his private ear, 
 and demanded a particular audience. The 
 valet being withdrawn, I asked in the same 
 language if his name was d'Estrapes, to which 
 he answered with a faltering tongue, ' The 
 same, at your ser^nco.' ' Are you a French- 
 man ?' said I. ' I have not the honour of 
 being a Frenchman bom,' replied he, ' but I 
 haVe an infinite veneration for the country.' 
 I then desired he would' do mo the honour to 
 look at me, which he no sooner did than, 
 struck with my appearance, he started back, 
 and cried in English, ' O Jesus ! — sure it can't ! 
 — No 'tis impossible !' I smiled at his inter- 
 jections, saying, ' I suppose you are too much 
 of a gentleman to own your friend in adver- 
 sity.' When he hoard me pronounce these 
 words in our own language, ho leaped upon 
 mo in a transport of joy, hung about my neck, 
 kissed mo from car to ear, and blubbered 
 like a great schoollioy who ha<l been whipped. 
 Then, observing my Jre.«s, ho set up his 
 throat, crying, ' O Lord ! O Lord ! that ever 
 I should live to see my dearest friend reduced 
 to the condition of a foot soldier in the 
 Frencli service ! Why did you consent to my 
 leaving you 'f — but I know the reason — you 
 thought you had got more creditable friends, 
 and grow ashameil f)f my aciinaintance. Ah! 
 Lord help us ! thougli I was a little short- 
 sighted, I was not altogether ])lind : and 
 though I did not complain, I wa.s not the less 
 sensible of your uiikiudness, which was in- 
 deed tlio only thing that induced me to 
 ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither ; but 
 I must own it lias been a lucky ramble for 
 me, and so I forgive you, and may God 
 forgive you ! O Lord I O lA)rd ! is it come to 
 this r' I was nettled at the charge, which, 
 though just, I could not lielji thinking unsea- 
 sonable, and told him with some tnrtness 
 that, whether liis suspicions were well or ill 
 grouniled, ho might have chosen a more con- 
 venient t)pportunity of introducing them; 
 and that the (luestion now was whether or no 
 ho found himself disposed to lend mo any 
 assistance. ' Disposed !' replied he with great 
 emotion ; ' I thought you had known me so 
 well as to assure yourself without a.sking, 
 that I, and all that belongs to me, are at your 
 <;onimand. In tlio meantime you shall dine 
 with me, and I will tell you something that, 
 perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you.' 
 Then, w^ringing my hand, he said, ' It makes 
 my heart bleed to see you in that garb I' I 
 thanked hira for his invitation, which, I 
 observed, could not be unwelcome to a person 
 who had not eaten a comfortable meal these 
 seven months ; but I had another request to 
 make, which I begged he would grant before 
 dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt ; for 
 although my back had been many weeks a 
 stranger to any comfort of tliat kind, my 
 skin was not yet familiarised to the want of 
 it. He stared in my face, -ft-ith a woful coun- 
 
 tenance, at this declaration, which ho could 
 scarce believe, until I explained it by unbut- 
 toning my coat and disclosing my naked 
 body — a circumstance which shocked the 
 tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his 
 eyes, ran to a chest of drawers, and taking 
 out some linen, presented to me a very fine 
 ruffled Holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, 
 assuring me he had three dozen of the same 
 kind at my service. 
 
 I was ra\-ished at this piece of good news, 
 and, having accommodated myself in a 
 moment, hugged my benefactor for his gene- 
 rous offer, saj-ing, I was oveijoycd to find 
 him nndeliauehed by prosperity, which seldom 
 fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for 
 dinner some soup and bouilli, a couple of 
 pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and 
 in the interim entertained me with biscuit 
 and Burgundy ; after which repast he en- 
 treated me to gratify his longing desire of 
 knowing evorj* circumstance of my fortune 
 since his departure from London. This 
 request I complied with, lieginning at the 
 adventure of Gawky, and relating every par- 
 ticular event in which I ha<l been concerned 
 from that day to the present Iiour. During 
 the recit.-il. my friend was strongly affectccl, 
 according to the various situations described. 
 He stared with surprise, glowed with indig- 
 nation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with jilea- 
 sure, trembled with fear, and wept with 
 sorrow, as the vicissitndes of my life inspired 
 these different passions ; and. when my st<>ry 
 wius ended, signified his amazement on tho 
 whole, by lifting uji his eyes and hands, and 
 
 I)rotesting that, though I wiis a yotmg man, I 
 lad suffered more than all the blessed martyrs. 
 After dinner, I desired in my turn to knovr 
 the particulars of his peregrination, and ho 
 satisfied me in a few words, by giving mo to 
 imderstand that he had lived a year at Paris 
 with his master, who, in that time having 
 acquired the Ian - wel! a.s the fivshion- 
 
 able exercises, t 'ion, made a tour of 
 
 Franco and Holland, during which excursion 
 he was so unfortunate as to meet with throe 
 of his own countrymen on their travels, in 
 whose company he committed such excesses, 
 that his constitution failed, and he fell into a 
 consumption ; that by the advice of physicians, 
 he went to Monti)elier for tho benefit of good 
 air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that 
 he returned to Ilheims seemingly in good 
 health, where he had not continued above a 
 month, when he was seized with a looseness- 
 that carried him off in ten days, to the un- 
 speakable sorrow of all who knew him, and 
 especially of Strap, who had been very 
 happy in Ids ser^^ce, and given such satisfac- 
 tion, that his master, on his death-bed, re- 
 commended him to several persons of dis- 
 tinction for his diligence, sobriety, and 
 affection, and left him by will his wearing 
 apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready 
 monej", and all tho moveables he had in 
 France, to tho value of three hundred pounds 
 
RODERICK RjiyDOM. 
 
 Ill 
 
 ' wliicli I now,' said he, ' in the sight of God 
 and n»:in, surrender to your absohite disposal : 
 V.-re are my keys ; take them, I beseech you, 
 
 1 God j,dvo you joy of the possession.' My 
 i.i.iin was almost 'tnrne<l by this sudden 
 change of fortune, which I could scarce 
 believe real : however, I positivelj^ refused 
 this extravagant proffer of my friend, and 
 put him in mind of my being a soldier ; at 
 which hint he started, crying, ' Odso ! that's 
 true! we must procure your discharge. I 
 have some interest with a nobleman who is 
 able to do me that favour.' 
 
 We consulted about thi3 affair, and it was 
 determined that Monsieur d'Estrapes should 
 wait upon the Marquis in the nioniing, and tell 
 him he had by accident found his brother, whom 
 ho had not seen for many years before, a pri- 
 vate soldier in the regiment of Picanly, and 
 implore that nobleman's interest for his dis- 
 charge. In the meantime, we enjoye<l our- 
 selves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and 
 spent the evening in concerting s'-hemes for 
 our future conduct, in case I .«hould Ijo so 
 lucky as to get rid of the army. The business 
 was to make ourselves easy for life hy means 
 of his legacy, a ta.sk very difBcult, and, in the 
 usual methods of laying out money, altogether 
 impracticable ; so that, after much canvassing, 
 we couM come to no resolution that night ; 
 l)ut when weiwirteil, recommende<l the matter 
 to the serious attention of ciu-h other. As for 
 my own part. I puzzltxl my imagination to no 
 punwse. When I thought of tumuig mer- 
 chant, the smallness of our .stock, and the ri.nk 
 of seas, encniitt.'", and markets, deterretl mo 
 from that scheme. If I should settle ti» a 
 surgeon in my own country, I would find the 
 busiiu'ss alrca<ly ovorstocKod : or, if I pre- 
 tended to sot up in England, must labour 
 under want of friends and powerful opposi- 
 tion, obstacles insurmountable by the most 
 shining merit : neither should I succeed in my 
 endeavours to ri.*e in the state, inasmuch as 
 I could neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, 
 nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked 
 and contemptible sulministration. Before I 
 could form any feasible project, I fell asleep, 
 and my fancy was blest witJi the imago of the 
 dear Narcis.sa, who seemed to smile ujion mv 
 passion, and offer her hand as a reword for ail 
 my toiU. 
 
 Early in the morning I went to the lodgings 
 of my friend, whom I found exulting over his 
 happy invention I for I no sooner ontere<l his 
 apartment, than ho iuMresse<l him.self t<i mo 
 in these words, with a smile of self-applause : 
 'Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come 
 into a fool's head sometimes. I have hit it — 
 I'll hold you a button my plan is better than 
 
 Sours, for all your learning. But you shall 
 avo the preference in this as in all other 
 things; therefore proceed, and let us know 
 the effects of your meditation ; and then I 
 will impart my own simple excogitations.' I 
 told him, that not one thought had occurred 
 to me which deserved the least notice, aad 
 
 signified my impatience to bo acquainted with 
 the fruits of his reflection. ' As wo have not,' 
 siiid he, ' money sufhcient to maintain us dur- 
 ing a tedious expectation, it is my opinion 
 that a bold push must bo made ; and I see 
 none so likely to succeed as your uppoiiring in 
 the character of a gentleman (which is your 
 due), and m;iking your addresses to some lady 
 of fortune, who can render you independent 
 at once. Nay, don't stare — I affirm that this 
 scheme is both prudent and honourable ; for 
 I would not have you throw yourself away 
 upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whoso 
 breath would stink you into a consumption in 
 less than three months ; neithfcr would I iul- 
 viso you to a.ssume the character of a wealthy 
 s<iuire, tvs your common fortune-hunters do, 
 by which means many a poor lady is cheated 
 into matrimony, and instead of enjoying the 
 
 !>omp and grandeur that was promised, sees 
 ler dowry seized by her husband's rapacious 
 creditors, and herself reduced to misery and 
 despair. No, I know you have a soul that 
 iV' ' -uch imposition; and are master of 
 
 i| ;oiis, both of mind and body, which 
 
 alone entitle you to a match that will set you 
 above the world. I have clothes in my pos- 
 session that a duke need not bo ashamed to 
 wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, 
 if not there are plenty of tailors in France. 
 liot us take a short trip to Paris, and provide 
 ourselves with all other noces.saries, then sot 
 out for England, whore I intend to do myself 
 the honour of attending you iu quality of a 
 valet. This expedient will save you the ox- 
 l>en.so of a servant, shaving, and dressing ; 
 and I doubt not but, by the blessing of God, 
 we shall bring matters to a si)ce<ly and fortu- 
 nate issue.' Extnivagant as this proposal 
 was, I listened to it with jileasuro, b(ioauso it 
 flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous 
 hope I began to entertain of inspiring Nar- 
 cis«a with a mutual flame. 
 
 After breakfast, Mon.siour d'Estrapes went 
 to ]>ay his devoirs to the manpiis, and was so 
 successful in his ajiplication, that I obtained 
 a discharge in a few days, upon which wo set 
 out for Paris. Hero I had time to reflect and 
 congratulato myself upon this sudden transi- 
 tionOf fate, which to bear with moderation 
 ro<iuired some degree of philosophy and self- 
 denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I 
 girve a detail of tlie particulars, to the quiet 
 possession of which I was raised in an instant, 
 from the most abject misery and contempt, 
 Jly wardrobe ctmsisted of five fashionable 
 coats full mounted, two of which wore plain, 
 one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and 
 another with silver lace ; two frocks, one of 
 white drab, with large plate buttons, the other 
 of blue with gold binding ; ono waistcoat of 
 golil brocade ; ono of blue satin, embroidered 
 with silver ; one of green silk, trimmed with 
 figured broad gold lace ; one of black silk, 
 with fringes ; one of white satin, one of black 
 cloth, and one of scarlet ; six pair of cloth 
 breeches; ono pair of crimson, and another 
 
112 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM 
 
 of black velvet ; twelve pair of white silk 
 stockings, as many of black silk, and the same 
 number of white cotton ; one hat, laced with 
 gold point d'Espagne, another with silver lace 
 scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a 
 fourth plain ; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, 
 as many neckcloths ; one dozen of cambric 
 handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. 
 The other moveables, which I possessed by 
 the generosity and friendship of Strap, were 
 a gold watch with a chased case, two valu- 
 able diamond rings, two mourning swords, 
 one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut 
 steel inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, 
 and a set of stone buckles for the knees and 
 shoes ; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with 
 rich housings ; a gold-headed cane, and a 
 snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, 
 having the picture of a lady in the top. The 
 gentleman left many other things of value, 
 which my friend had converted into cash be- 
 fore I met with him ; so that, over and above 
 these particulars, our stock in ready money 
 amounted to something more than two hun- 
 dred pounds. 
 
 Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of 
 figure, and, attended by my honest friend, 
 who was contented with the station of my 
 valet, visited the Louvre, examined the gal- 
 lery of Luxembourg, and api)cared at Ver- 
 sailles, where I had the honour of seeing his 
 Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable 
 qnantitj' of olives. During the month I spent 
 at Paris, I went several times to court, the 
 Italian comedy, opera, and playhouse, danced 
 at a masquerade, and, in short, saw every- 
 thing remarkable in and about that capital. 
 Then wo set out for England by the way of 
 Flanders, passed throngli Brussels, Ghent, 
 and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, 
 from whence, in fourteen hours, wo arrived 
 at Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve 
 hours more got safe to London, having 
 disposed of our heavy baggage in the 
 waggon. 
 
 CHAPTER XLV. 
 
 I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is 
 gone to sea — take Lodgings at Chariny Cross 
 — go to the PlAy, uhere I meet with an 
 1 adventure — Dineat anordinary — the Guests 
 described — become acquainted loith Medlar 
 and Doctor Wagtail. 
 
 AS soon as we alighted at the inn, I dis- 
 patched Strap to inquire for my uncle at 
 the Union Flag in Wajjpinp ; and he returned 
 in a little time, with an account of Mr. Bow- 
 ling's having gone to sea, mate of a merchant 
 ship, after a long and unsncco.s.«ful application 
 and attendance at tlie Admiralty ; where, it 
 seems, the interest he depended upon was 
 not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the 
 pay that was due to him when he quitted the 
 Thunder. 
 
 Next day I hired very handsome lodgings 
 not far from Charing Cross ; and in the even- 
 
 ing dressed myself in a plain suit of the 
 true Paris cut, and appeared in a front box 
 at the play, where I saw a pood deal of com- 
 pany, and was vain enough to believe that 
 I was observed with an uncommon degree of 
 attention and applause. This silly conceit 
 intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of 
 a thousand ridiculous coquetries ; and I dara 
 say, how favourable soever the thoughts of 
 the company might be at my first appearance, 
 they were soon changed by my absurd be- 
 haviour into pity or contempt. I rose and 
 sat down, covered and uncovered my head 
 twenty times between the acts ; pulled out 
 my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it 
 up, set it, gave it the hearing again ; dis- 
 played my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, 
 that I might have an opportunity of showing 
 my brilliant, and wiped my nose with a per- 
 fumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, 
 and adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many 
 more fooleries of the same kijid, in hopes of 
 obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, 
 in the acquiring of which I found two con- 
 siderable obstructions in my disposition — 
 namely, a natural reserve and jealous sensi- 
 bility. Fain would I have entered into con- 
 versation with the people around me : but I 
 was restrained by the fear of being censured 
 for my a.ssuranco, as well as by reflecting that 
 I was more entitled to a, compliment of this 
 kind from them, than they to such conde- 
 scension from a stranger like me. How often 
 did I redden at the fre<iuent whispers and 
 loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I 
 imagined wore excited by me ; and how often 
 did I envy the hajijiy intiifferenco of those 
 choice spirits, who beheld the distr ss of the 
 scene without discovering the least symptom 
 of approbation or concern. My attention was 
 engaged in spite of mj'self, and I could not 
 help weeping with the heroine of the stage, 
 though I practised a great many shifts to 
 conceal this piece of unpolito weakness. 
 
 When the play was ended, I sat waiting for 
 an opportunity of luinding some lady to her 
 coach ; but everj-one was attended by such a 
 number of officious gallants, that for a long 
 time I was biriked in my cxi)ectation. At 
 length, however, I perceived a very hand- 
 some creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by 
 herself in a box, at some distance from me ; 
 upon which I went up to her, and offered my 
 service. She seemed to be iu some confusion, 
 thanked me for my complaisance, and with a 
 tender look declined giving me the trouble : 
 looking at her watch, and testifying her sur- 
 prise at the negligence of hnr footman, whom 
 slie had ordered to have a chair ready for her 
 at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with 
 all the elofjuence and compliment I va^ mas- 
 ter of; and, in the event, she was prevailed 
 upon to accept of a proposal I made, to send 
 my ."servant for a chair or coach : accord- 
 inu'ly, Strap was detached for that purpose, 
 and returned without success. By this time 
 the playhouse was quite empty, and we were 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 113 
 
 obliffod to retire. As I led her through the 
 jvissii^e, I observed five or six youngr fellows 
 fiLshion standing in a comer, one of whom, 
 I thougfht, tipped my charmer the wink, 
 1 wlion we were passed, I heard them set 
 a loud lauj,'h. This note aroused my 
 •^ntion, and I was resolved to be fully 
 idfied of this lady's character, before I 
 uld have any nearer connection with her. 
 As no convenience appeared, I proposed lo 
 conduct her to a tavern, where we mifjht stay 
 a few minutes, until my servant could fetch 
 a coach from the Strand. She seemed parti- 
 cularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern with 
 a stranjjcr ; but at last yielded to my pathetic 
 remdnstraiiccs, rather than endanij^er her 
 health by remaining in a cold, damp thorou|,'h- 
 fare. Having thus far succeeded, I be?ged 
 to know what wine she would bo pleased to 
 drink a glass of; but she professed the great- 
 est aversion to all sorts of strong liquors, and 
 it was with much dilKculty that I could per- 
 8ua<le her to eat a jelly. 
 
 In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate 
 the uneasiness she disi-overed, by saying all 
 the iigrcoablo things I oonld think of; at which 
 she would often sigh, and rcijnrd mo with a 
 languishing look, that seemed, however, too 
 near akin to the lewd leer of a courtesan. This 
 discovery added to my former suspicion, while 
 it put me upon my guard against her arts, di- 
 Tostcd me of reserve, and enabled me to enter- 
 tain her with gaiety and freedom. In the 
 course of our conversation, I pressed her to 
 allow me the honour of waiting upon her next 
 day at her lodgings, a request which .«he, with 
 many apologiiM, refused, lest it should pivo 
 umbrage to Sir John, who was of adisposition 
 apt to bo fretted with trifles. This informa- 
 tion, by which I was to understand that her 
 hustiand was a knight, did not check my ad- 
 dresses, which became more and more importu- 
 nate, and I was oven hardy ^ough to ravish a 
 kiss. But, O heavens I instead! of banqueting 
 on the ambrosial flavour, that her delicacy of 
 complexion promised, I was almost suffocated 
 with the steams of Geneva ! An exhalation 
 of this kind, from a mouth which had just 
 before doi;lare<l an utter abhorrence of all spi- 
 rituous liquors, not only changed my doubts 
 into certainty, but my raptures into loathing ; 
 and it would have been impossible for me to 
 have preserved common complaisance fivo 
 minutes longer, when my servant returned 
 with a coach. I took the a<lvantago of this 
 occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, 
 who put in practice against me the whole ar- 
 tillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, 
 sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve, 
 that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rub- 
 bed his hands with joy as he followed us to 
 the door ; but I was proof against all her en- 
 dearments, and handed her into the coach 
 with an intention to take my leave immedi- 
 atel}'. She guessed my design, and invited 
 me to her house, whispering, that now Sir 
 John was gone to bed, she could have the plea- 
 
 sure of my conversation for half-an-hour with- 
 out interruption. I told her there was no 
 mortification I would not undergo, rather 
 than endanger the repose of her ladyship ; 
 and, bidding the coachman drive on, wished 
 her a good night. She lost all temper at my 
 indiff"erence, and, stopping the coach, at the 
 distance of about twenty yards from me. pop- 
 ped out her head, and bawled with the lungs 
 of a fishwoman, ' D— n you, you dog, won't 
 you pay the coach-hire ?' As I made no 
 answer, she held forth against me with an 
 elofjuenco peculiar to herself; calling me piti- 
 ful fellow, scoundrel, and a hundred such ap- 
 pellations ; concluding with an oath, that, for 
 all my apjjearance, she believed I had get no 
 money in my pocket. 
 
 Having thus vented her indignation, she 
 ordered her coachman to proceed, and I re- 
 turned to the tavern, where I bespoke some- 
 thing for supper, very well pleased at the 
 issue of this adventure. I disnensed with the 
 attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence 
 that my own servant was present, and, when 
 wo were alone, said to Strap, ' Well, Monsieur 
 d'Estrapcs, what d'ye think of this huly?' 
 My friend, who had not opened his mouth 
 since her departure, could make no other 
 reply than the monosyllable ' Think !' which 
 he pronounced with a note of tear and asto* 
 nishmont. Surprised at this empha.sis, I sur- 
 veyed my valet, and, perceiving a wildness in 
 his looks, asked if he had seen his grandfather's 
 ghost ? ' Ghost I' said he, ' I am sure I have 
 seen a devil incarnate ! Who would have 
 thought that so much devilish malice and 
 Billingsgate could lurk under so much sweet- 
 ness of countenance and modesty of beha- 
 viour ? Ah ! Gotl help us ! Fronii nnUaJides 
 — nimium ne crcde colori — but we ought to 
 down on our knees, and bless God for deliver- 
 ing us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre!' 
 I was pretty much of Strap's opinion, and, 
 though I dirl not believe myself in any danger 
 from the allurements of that sisterhood, I de- 
 termiuetl to act with great circumspection for 
 the future, and shun all commerce of that 
 kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and 
 constitution. 
 
 My next care was to introduce myself into 
 a set of good acquaintance : for which purpose 
 I frequented a certain coff"ee-house. noted for 
 the resort of good company, English as well 
 as foreigners, where my appearance procured 
 all the civilities and advances I could desire. 
 As there was an ordinary in the same hous^ 
 I went upstairs to dinner with the other 
 guests, and found myself at a table with thir- 
 teen people, the greatest part of whom were 
 better dressed than myself. The conversa- 
 tion, which was mostly carried on in French, 
 turned chiefly on politics ; and I soon found tho 
 whole company were in the French interest, 
 myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, 
 who contradicted everything that was ad- 
 vanced in favour of his Most Christian Ma- 
 jesty, with a surliness truly English. But 
 
114 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 this trusty patriot, who had never been out of 
 his own country, and drew all his maxims and 
 notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very 
 unequal to his antagonists, who were superior 
 to him in learning and experience, and often 
 took the liberty of travellers in asserting 
 tilings which were not strictly true, be- 
 cause they thought themselves in no dan- 
 ger of being detected by him. The claim 
 of the Queen of Spain to the Austrian 
 dominions in Italy was fully explained and 
 vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to 
 me, and, by the solemnity of his manner and 
 the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a 
 foreign ambassador. This dissertation pro- 
 duced another on the Pragmatic Sanction, 
 handled with great warmth by a young 
 gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a 
 green frock, trimmed with gold, who justified 
 the French king for his breach of that con- 
 tract ; and affirmed that he could not have 
 observed it without injuring his own glorj'. 
 Although I was not at all convinced by this 
 gentleman's arguments, I could not help ad- 
 miring his vivacity, which, I imagined, must 
 be the effect of his illustrious birth and noble 
 education, and accordingly rated him, in my 
 conjecture, as a young prince on liis travels. 
 The discourse was afterwards .shifted by an 
 old gentleman, of a very martial appearance, 
 to the last campaign, when the battle of 
 Dettingen was fought over again, with so 
 many circumstances to the honour of the 
 French and disadvantage of the Allies, that 
 I began to entertain some doubts of my 
 having been there in person, and took the 
 liberty to mention some objections to wh»t 
 ho advanced. This freedom introduced a 
 dispute, which livstcd a good wliile, to the 
 mortification of all present ; and was at last 
 referred to the determination of a grave 
 person,*whom they styled Doctor, and who, 
 under a show of great moderation, decided it 
 against me, with so little regard to truth, 
 that I taxed him Avith partiality in pretty 
 severe terms, to the no small entertainment 
 of the true English politician, who rejoiced at 
 my defence of a cause ho had so often 
 espoused without success. 
 
 My opponent, pleased with the victoir he 
 had gained, affected a great deal of candour, 
 and told me, he should not have been so 
 positive, if he had not been at great pains to 
 inform himself of each particular. ' Indeed,' 
 said he, ' I am convinced that, the previous 
 steps considered, things could not happen 
 otherwise; for we generals who have seen 
 service, though we may not be on the spot 
 ourselves, know by the least sketch of the 
 disposition what must be the event.' Ho 
 then censured, with great freedom, every cir- 
 cumstance of the conduct of those who com- 
 manded the Allies; from thence made a 
 transition to the ministry, which he honoured 
 with many invectives, for employing people 
 who had neither experience nor capacity, to 
 the prejudice of old officers, who had been 
 
 distinguished for both ; dropped many hints ■ 
 of his own importance, and concluded with ■ 
 observing, that the French and Spauiurda 
 knew better how to value generals of merit; 
 the good effects of which are seen in the con- 
 quests they gain, and the admirable discipline 
 of their troops, which are at the same time 
 better clothed and paid than any soldiers in 
 the universe. These remarks furnished the 
 green knight with an opportunity of launch- 
 ing out in the praise of the French govern- 
 ment in general, civil as w^ell as military ; on 
 which occasion he made many odious com- 
 parisons to the disadvantage of the English. 
 Everybody, almost, assented to the observa- 
 tions he made, and the doctor gave his sanc- 
 tion, by saying, the peojJe of France wore 
 undoubted]}- the happiest subjects in the 
 world. I was so much astonished and con- 
 founded at their infatuation and effrontery, 
 that I had not power to utter one word in 
 opposition to their assertions ; but my morose 
 associate could not put up with the indignity 
 that was offered to Old England, and there- 
 fore with a satirical grin addressed himself to 
 the general in these words : ' Sir, sir, I have 
 often heard it said, SJic's a rilUnunis hird 
 that licj'inds her ou-n nest. As for what those 
 people who are foreigners say, I don't mind 
 it ; they know no better ; but you who were 
 bred and liom, and have got your bread, 
 under the English government, should havo 
 more regard to gratitude, as well as truth, 
 in censuring your native country. If the 
 ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I 
 suppose they have their own reasons for so 
 doing ; and you ought to remember, that you 
 still live on the bounty of this nation. As for 
 these gentlemen (meaning the i>rinco and am- 
 bassador), who make so free with our consti- 
 tution, laws, and genius of our people, I 
 think they might show a little more respect 
 for their benefactors, who, I must own, are 
 to blame in harbouring, protecting, and en- 
 couraging, such ungrateful vagrants as they 
 are.' At these words, the chevalier in green 
 started up in a great passion, and laying his 
 hand on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, 
 ' Ah ! foxtrc ! ' The Englishman on the other 
 hiind, grasping his cane, cried, ' Don't foutn 
 me, sirrah, or by Gr— d 111 knock you down.' 
 The company interposed, the Frenchman sat 
 down again, and his antagonist proceeded — 
 ' Lookye, Monsieur ; you know very well 
 that, had you dared to speak so freely of the 
 administration of your own country in Paris, 
 as you have done of ours in London, you 
 would havo been sent to the Bastille without 
 ceremony, where you might have rotted in a 
 dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun 
 again. Now. sir, take my word for it, although 
 our con.stitution screens us from such oppres- 
 sion, wo want not laws to chastise the 
 authors of seditious discourse ; and, if I hear 
 another syllable out of your mouth in con- 
 tempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will 
 give you Sk convincing proof of what I ad^ 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ni 
 
 Tanoe, and havo yon laid by the heels for 
 your presumption.' This declaration had an 
 effect on the company as sudden as surprising. 
 The young prince became as supple as a 
 
 Eaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general 
 t silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it 
 iecms, had felt the rod of power, grew pale as 
 (death, and assured us all, that he had no 
 intention to affront any person or people. 
 
 * Your principles, doctor,' resumed ttio old 
 gentleman, 'are no secret — I have nothing 
 to say ui)on that head ; but am very much 
 Buri'riscd, that a man who despises us so much, 
 should notwithstanding live among us, when 
 he has no visible motive for so doing. A\Tiy 
 don't you take np your habitation in your be- 
 loved France, where you may rail at England 
 without censure ? ' To this remonstrance the 
 doctor thought proper to make no reply, and 
 an unsocial silence ensnofl ; which I perceiving, 
 took notice, that it was pity such idle dis- 
 putes, maintained very often through whim 
 or diversion, should create any mi.»an<lerstand- 
 ing among gentlemen of good sense, and pro- 
 
 , posed to drink down all animosity in another 
 bottle. 
 
 Tliis motion was applauded by the whole 
 comjiany. The wine was brought, and the 
 English champion, declaring he had no spleen 
 against any man for differing in opinion from 
 him, any more than for difference of com- 
 plexion, drank to the good health of all pre- 
 sent ; the compliment was returned, and tho 
 conversation once more became unreserved 
 though more general than before. Among 
 other topics, the subject of war was intro- 
 duced, on which the general declaimed with 
 (freat el()(|nence, recounting many of his own 
 exjiloits by way of illustration. In the course 
 of his harangue he happened to mention tho 
 word ^piiiili'ment, n\)on which the testy gen- 
 tleman asked the meaning of that term. ' I'll 
 tell you what an epaulement is,' replied he, 
 ' I never saw an epaulement but once, and 
 that was at the siege of Namur. In a coun- 
 cil of war. Monsieur Cohorn, the famous 
 engineer, affirmed that the place could not be 
 t' ion.' ' Yes,' said the Prince of Vandcmont, 
 ' it may bo taken by an epaulement.' ' This 
 was immediately put into execution, and in 
 twenty-four hours Marcschal Boufflcrs was 
 fain to cajiitulate.' Here he made a full stop, 
 
 I and the old gentleman repeated tho question, 
 
 * But pray what is an epaulement ? ' To this 
 interrogation the officer made no immediate 
 reply, hnt rang tho bell, and called for tho 
 bill, which being l)rought, ho threw down his 
 proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the 
 company he would show them an epaule- 
 ment when his majesty should think fit to en- 
 trust him with the command of our army 
 abroad, strutted away witli gi-oat dignitj-. I 
 could not imagine why he was so shj* of ex- 
 plaining one of the most simple terms of 
 fortification, which I forthwith described as 
 a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or 
 fascines ; but I was very much surprised when 
 
 I afterwards understood that his reserve pro- 
 ceeded from his ignorance. 
 
 Having paid our bill, we adjourned to fhe 
 coffee-room, where my fellow-labourer insisted 
 on treating me with a dish, giving me to un- 
 derstand, at the same time, that I had ac- 
 quired his good opinion, both with respect to 
 my principles and understanding. I thanked 
 him for his compliment, and, professing myself 
 an utter stranger in this part of tho world, 
 begged he would have the goodness to inform 
 me of the quality and characters of tho peo- 
 ple who dined above. This re(^uest was a 
 real favour to one of his disposition, which 
 was no loss communicative than curious ; he 
 therefore complied with great satisfaction, 
 and told me, to my extreme astonishment, 
 that the supposed young prince was a dancer 
 at one of the theatres, and tho amba.?sador 
 no other than a fiddler belonging to tho 
 opera. ' Tho doctor,' said ho ' is a Roman 
 Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in tho 
 character of an officer, and assumes tlio name 
 of captain ; but more generally takes the 
 garb, title, and behaviour of a i)hysician, in 
 which capacity he wheedles himself into the 
 confidence of weak-minded people, and by 
 arguments no less specious than false converts 
 them from their religion and allegiance. He 
 has been in the hands of justice more than 
 once for such practices, but he is a sly dog, 
 and manages matters with so much craft, 
 that hitherto ho has escaped for a short im- 
 prisonment. As for tho general, you may see 
 he has owed his promotion more to his inte- 
 rest than his capacity ; and, now that tho 
 eyes of the ministry aro opened, his friends 
 dead or become inconsiderable, he is struck 
 off tho list, and obliged to put up with a 
 yearly pension. In consequence of this re- 
 duction, he is become malcontent, and in- 
 veighs against the government in all com- 
 panies, with so little discretion, that I am 
 surprised at the lenity of the administration, 
 in overlooking his insolence; but the truth of 
 the matter is, he owes his safety to his weak- 
 ness and want of importance. He has seen a 
 little, and but a little, service ; and yet, if 
 you will take his word for it, there has not 
 been a great action performed in the field 
 since the Revolution, in which ho was not 
 principally concerned. When a story is told 
 of any great general, he immediately matches 
 it with one of himself, though he is often un- 
 happy in his invention, and commits such 
 gross blunders in tho detail, that everybody 
 is in pain for him. Cajsar, Pompey, and 
 Alexander tho Great, are continually in his 
 mouth ; and, as he reads a good deal without 
 any judgment to digest it, his ideas are con- 
 fused, and his harangues as unintelligible as 
 infinite ; for, if once he begin, there is no 
 chance of his leaving off speaking while one 
 person remains to yield attention ; therefore 
 the only expedient I know, for putting a 
 stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some 
 incongruity he has uttered, and demand an 
 
116 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 explanation; or ask the meaning of some 
 difficult term that ho knows by name only ; 
 this method will effectually put him to si- 
 lence, if not to fligrht, as it happened when 
 I inquired about an dpaulemenf. Had he 
 been ac:iuainted with the signification of 
 that word, his triumph would have been in- 
 tolerable, and we must have quitted the field 
 first, or been worried with impertinence.' 
 
 Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old 
 gentleman began to discover his own, in ques- 
 tions relating to myself, to which I thought 
 proper to return ambiguous answers. ' I pre- 
 sume, sir,' said he, 'you have travelled.' I 
 answered, ' Yes.' ' I dare say you have found 
 it verj' expensive,' said he. I replied, ' To be 
 sure, one cannot travel without money.' ' That 
 I know by experience,' said he, 'for I myselt 
 take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every sea- 
 son ; and one must pay sauce for what he has 
 on the road, as well in other countries as in 
 this. That's a pretty stone in your ring — give ' 
 me leave, sir — the French have attained to a 
 wonderful skill in making compositions of this 
 kind. Why, now, this looks almost as well as 
 a diamond.' ' Almost as well, sir ! ' said I, 
 ' why not altogether ? I am sure, if you un- 
 derstand anything of jewels, you must per- 
 ceive, at first sight, that this stone is a real 
 diamond, and that of a very tine water. Take 
 it in your hand and examine it." Ho did so 
 with some confusion, and returned it, saying, 
 * I ask your pardon ; I see it is a true brilliant 
 of immense value.' I imagined his respect for 
 me increased after this inquiry ; therefore, to 
 captivate his esteem the more, I told him, I 
 ■would show him a seal of composition, en- 
 graved after a vor\' valuable antique ; upon 
 which I pulled out my watch with a rich gold 
 chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, 
 and an opal ring. He viewed each of them 
 with great eagerness, handled the chain, a<l- 
 mired the chased case, and observed that the 
 whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. 
 I affected indifference, and replied in a care- 
 less manner, ' Some trifle of sixty or seventy 
 guineas.' Ho stared in my face for some time, 
 and then asked if 1 was an Englishman ? I 
 answered in the negative. ' You are from 
 Ireland then, sir, I presume,' said he. I made 
 the same reply. ' Oh ! perhaps,' said he, 'you 
 were born in one of our settlements abroad.' 
 I still answered No. He seemed very much 
 surprised, and said, he was sure I was not a 
 foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon 
 the tenter-hooka of impatient uncertainty. 
 He could not contain his anxiety, but asked 
 pardon for the liberties he had taken, and, to 
 encourage me the more to disclose my situa- 
 tion, displayed his own without reserve. ' I 
 am,' said he, ' a single man, have a consider- 
 able annuity, on which I live according to my 
 inclination, and make the ends of the year 
 meet very Comfortably, As I have no estate 
 to leave behind. I am not troubled with the 
 importunate oflficiousness of relations or le- 
 gacy hunters, and I consider the world as 
 
 made for me, not me for the world ; it is my 
 maxim, therefore, to enjoy it while I can, and 
 let futurity shift for itself.' 
 
 While he thus indulged his own talkative 
 vein, and at the same time, no doubt, expected 
 a retaliation from me, a young man entered, 
 dressed in black velvet and an enormous tie- 
 wig, with an air in which natural levity and 
 affected solemnity were so jumbled together, 
 that on the whole he appeared a burlesque on 
 all decorum. This ridicuJous oddity danced up 
 to the table at which we sat, and, after a thou- 
 sand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of 
 Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged upon bu.Ki- 
 ness. My companion put on a surly counte- 
 nance, and replied ' No great business, doctor 
 —but however' — ' Oh ! then,' cried the physi- 
 cian, ' I must beg your indulgence a little ; pray 
 pardon me, gentlemen. ' Sir,' said he, address- 
 ing himself to me, 'your most humble servant ; 
 I hope you will forgive me, sir — I must beg the 
 favour to sit — .«ir — sir — I have something of 
 consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Med- 
 lar — sir, I hope you will excuse my frcedofti in 
 whispering, sir.' Before I had time to give 
 this complaisant person my permission, Mr. 
 Medlar cried, ' I'll have no whispering — if you 
 have anything to say to me, speak with an 
 audible voice.' The doctor seemed a little 
 disconcerted at this exclamation, and, turning 
 again to me, ma<ie a thousand ajjologies for 
 pretending to make a mystery of anything, a 
 piece of caution which he said was owing to 
 his ignorance of my connection with Mr. 
 Medlar ; but now he understood I was a 
 friend, he would communicate what he had 
 to say in my hearing. He then began, after 
 two or three hems, in this manner : ' You 
 must know, sir, I am just come from dinner 
 at my Lady Flareit's (then addressing him.self 
 to me), a lady «f quality, sir, at whose table I 
 have the honour of dining sometimes. There 
 was Lady Stately and my Lady Larum, and 
 Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy Giggler, upon 
 my word, a very good-natured young lady, 
 with a very pretty fortune, sir. There was 
 also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and 
 Master Billy Chatter, who is actually a voi \ 
 facetious young gentleman. So, sir, her lady- 
 ship 'seeing me excessively fatigued, for sho 
 was the last of fifteen patients (people of dis- 
 tinction, sir) whom 1 had visited this forenoon, 
 insisted upon my staying dinner, though upon 
 my word I protest 1 had no appetite ; how- 
 ever, in compliance with her ladyship's re- 
 quest, sir, I .sat down, and the conversation 
 turning on different subjects, among other 
 things, Mr. Chatter asked very earnestly wlien 
 I saw Mr. Medlar. 1 told him I had not had 
 the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen 
 hours and a half ; for you may remember, sir, 
 it was nearly about that time ; I won't be 
 positive as to a minute.' ' No,' says he, ' then 
 I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately 
 after dinner, and see what's the matter with 
 him, for he must certainly be very bad from 
 ha^•ing eaten last night such a vast quan- 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 117 
 
 _ity of raw oysters.' Tho crusty gentleman, 
 Who, from the solemnity of his delivery, ex- 
 pcted something extraordinary, no sooner 
 heard his conclusion, than he started up 
 in a testy humour, crying, ' Pshaw, pshaw ! 
 d— n your oysters !' and walked away, after 
 a short compliment of, ' Your servant sir,' to 
 me. The doctor got up also, saying, ' I tow 
 and protest, upon my word, I am actually 
 amazed ;' and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, 
 which was hard by, where ho was paying for 
 his coffee : there he whispered so loud that I 
 could overhear, 'Pray, who is this gentle- 
 man:-' His friend replied hastily, *I might 
 have known that before now, if it had not 
 loeen for your impertinent intrusion,' — and 
 walked off very much disappointed. Tho 
 ceremonious phyeician returned immediately 
 and sat down by me, asking a thousand par- 
 dons for leaving me alone ; and giving mo to 
 understand that what he had communicated 
 to Mr. Me<Uar at the bar, was an affair of the 
 last importance, that would admit of no delay. 
 He then called for some coffee, and launched 
 out into the virtues of that berry, which, ho 
 said, in cold phlegmatic constitutions, like 
 his, dried up tho superfluous moisture, and 
 i)raced the relaxed nerves. He told mo it 
 was utterly unknown to tho ancients ; and 
 derived its name from an Arabian word, which 
 I might easily perceive by the sound and ter- 
 mination. From this topic he transferred his 
 disquisitions to the verb drink, which ho 
 affirmed was improperly applied to tho taking 
 of coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink, 
 but sip or sipjile that liquor ; that the genuine 
 meaning of ilriiiking is to quench one's thirst, 
 or commit a debauch by swallowing wine ; 
 that the Latin word, which conveyed tho 
 same idea, was hihere or potnre, and that of 
 tho Greeks pincin or poteeiu, though ho was 
 apt to believe they were differently useil on 
 different occasions : for example — to drink a 
 vast quantity, or, as tho vulgar express it, to 
 drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin potare, 
 ami in Greek poteein ; and, on tho other hand, 
 to use it moderately, was Inhere and pinein ; 
 — that this was only a conjecture of his own, 
 which, however, seemed to bo supported by 
 the word hihuhnis, which is particularly ap- 
 plifd to tho pores of the skin, and can only 
 drink a very small quantity of tho circumam- 
 bient moisture, by reason of the smallness of 
 their diameters; — wherea.s, from the verb 
 poteein is derived the substantive j)otnmos, 
 which signifies a river, or vast quantity of 
 liquor. I could not help smiling at this 
 learned and important investigation ; and, to 
 recommend myself the more to my new ac- 
 quaintance, whose disposition I was by this 
 time well informed of, I observed that, what 
 he alleged did not, to ihe best of my remem- 
 brance, appear in the writings of the ancients ; 
 for Horace uses the words poto and biho in- 
 differently for the same purpose, as in the 
 twentieth Ode of his first Book, 
 
 ' Vile potabit moditit tnbinum enntharh— 
 — Et pr<rlo dnmitum rtiUito tii bibrt uvam. 
 
 That I had never heard of the verb poteein, 
 but that potamos, potenia, and potos, were 
 derived from pino, poso, pepoka ; in conse- 
 quence of which, the Greek poets never use 
 any other word for festal drinking. Homer 
 describes Nestor at his cups in these words : 
 
 ' Xestora <f ouk tlathmjacht piaonta ptrtmpti.' 
 
 And Anacreon mentions it on the samo occa- 
 sion always in every page. 
 
 ' Pinonti de oinon hrdun. 
 Otnn pino ton oinon. 
 0;Vi:' tgiidt pino.' 
 
 And in a thousand other places. Tho doctor, 
 who doubtless intended by his criticism to 
 give me a high idea of his erudition, was infi- 
 nitely surprised to find hiinself schooled by 
 one of my appearance ; and after a consider- 
 able pause cried, ' Upon my word, you are in 
 the right, sir — I find I have not consi- 
 dered this affair with my usual accuracy.' 
 Then, accosting me in Latin, which he spoke 
 very well, the conversation was maintained 
 full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in 
 that language ; and indeed he spoko so judi- 
 ciously, that I was convinced, notwithstand- 
 ing his whimsical appearance and attention 
 to trifles, that ho was a man of extensive 
 knowledge, especially in books ; ho looked 
 upon me. as I afterwards understood from 
 Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and 
 proposed that very night, if I wcro not en- 
 gaged, to introduce me to several young gen- 
 tlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom ho 
 had an appointment at tho Bedford coffee- 
 house. 
 
 CHAPTER XLVL 
 
 Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine Gentle- 
 men ^cith whom I spend the Evening at a 
 Tavern — our Conversation — the Character's 
 of ni]) new Companions — the Doctor is roasted 
 — the Issue of our Debauch. 
 
 I ACCEPTED his offer with pleasure, and 
 we went thither in a hackney coach, 
 where I saw a great number of gay figures 
 fluttering about, most of whom spoko to 
 tho doctor with great familiarity. Among 
 the rest stood a group of them round the fire, 
 whom I immediately knew to bo tho very 
 persons who had the night before, by their 
 laughing, alarmed ray suspicion of the lady 
 who had put herself under my i)rotcction. 
 They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. 
 Wagtail (for that was my companion's name) 
 than they tittered and whispered one to 
 another ; and I was not a littlo surprised ta 
 find thaf; they were the gentlemen to whose 
 acquaintance he designed to recommend me : 
 for, when he observed them together, he told 
 me who they were, and desired to know by 
 what name he should introduce me. I satisfied 
 hiin in that particular, and ho advanced with 
 
118 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 great gravity, saying, ' Gentlemen, yonr most 
 obeilient servant : — give me leave to introduce 
 my friend Mr. Kandom to yotir society.* 
 Then, turning to me, ' Mr. Random, thi.s is 
 Mr. Bragwell— Mr. Banter, sir— Mr. Chatter 
 — my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, 
 sir.' I saluted each of them in order, and 
 •when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, 
 I perceived him thrust his tongue in his 
 cheek, to the no small entertainment of the 
 company ; but I did not think proper to take 
 any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter 
 too (who I afterwards learned was a player) 
 displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, 
 features, and voice, while he returned my 
 complimeut : this feat I should not have been 
 80 sensible of, had I not seen him behave in 
 the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when 
 he made up to them at first. But for once I 
 let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity with- 
 out question or control, resolved however to 
 chastise his insolence at a more convenient 
 opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a 
 stranger, asked if I had been lately in Franco ? 
 and when I answered in the affirmative, 
 inijuired if I had seen the Luxembourg Gallery i" 
 I told him I had considered it more than once 
 with great attention : uuon this a conversa- 
 tion ensued, in which I aiscovorcd him to be 
 a painter. 
 
 While wo were discoursing upon the parti- 
 culars of this famous ])erformance, I over- 
 heard Banter a.sk Dr. Wagtail, whore he hati 
 picked up this Mr. Random. To which 
 question the physician answered, ' Upon my 
 word, a mighty i)rotty sort of a gentleman — 
 a man of fortune, sir — he luis miule the grand 
 tour, and seen the best company in f^uropo, 
 sir.' ' What, he told you so, I suppose ?' said 
 the other : ' I take him to be neither more nor 
 less than a French valel-dc-chamhrc' ' O bar- 
 barous, barbarous ! ' cried the doctor ; ' this is 
 actually, upon my word, altogether unac- 
 countable. I know all his family perfectly 
 well, sir ; he is of the Randoms of the north 
 — a very ancient house, sir, and a distant 
 relation of mine.' I was extremely nettled at 
 the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to 
 entertain a very indifferent opinion of my 
 company in general ; but, as I might po.ssibly 
 by their moans acqxiire a more extensive and 
 agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear 
 these little mortifications as long as I could, 
 without injuring the dignity of my character. 
 After having talked for some time on the 
 weather, plays, politics, and other cotfee-house 
 subjects, it was proposed that we should 
 spend the evening at a noted taveni in the 
 neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a 
 body. 
 
 Having taken possession of a room, called 
 for French wine, and bespoke supper, the 
 glass went about pretty freely, and the cha- 
 racters of my associates opened upon me 
 more and more. It soon appeared that the 
 doctor was entertained as a butt for the 
 
 painter and player to exorciije their wit upon, • 
 for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter, 
 began the game by asking him what was good ' 
 for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and indi- 
 gestion, for he was troubled with all these 
 complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail 
 immediately undertook to explain the nature 
 of his case, and in a very prolix manner lia- 
 rangued upon prognostics, dia^ostics, symp- 
 tomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and reple- 
 tion ; then calculated the force of the stomach 
 and lungs in their respective operations ; 
 ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in 
 these organs, proceeding from hard drinkings 
 and vociferations, and prescribed a course of 
 stomachics, with abstinence from venerj', 
 wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, cough- 
 ing, sneezing, or hallooing. ' Pah, pah I ' 
 cried Ranter, interrupting him, ' the remedy 
 is worse than the disease — I wish I knew 
 where to find some tinder water.' ' Tinder 
 water ! ' said the doctor ; ' upon my word, 1 
 don't apprehend you, Mr. Rnnt<?r.' ' Water 
 extracted from tinder,' rejilied the other; 'a 
 universal specific for all di.-' incident 
 
 toman. It was invented by :. 'Jerman 
 
 monk, who, for a valuable consideration, im- 
 parted the secret to Paracelsus.' ' Pardon me,' 
 cried the painter, ' it was first used by Solomon, 
 as appears by a Greek manuscript in his own 
 handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount 
 Lebanon, by a peasant who was di^giufr for 
 potatoes.' ' Well.' said Wagtail, ' in all my 
 vast residing, I never met with such a prcjia- 
 ration ! neither did I know till this minute, 
 that Solomon understood Greek, or that 
 potatoes grew in Palestine.' 
 
 Here Banter interposed, saying, he was 
 Burjiriscd that Dr. Wagtail should make the 
 least doubt of Solomon's understundingGreok, 
 when he is reprtsented to us as the wisest 
 and best-educated prince in the world ; tmd 
 as for potatoes, they were transplanted tliither 
 from Ireland, in the time of the C'ru.sades by 
 some knights of that country. ' I pn>l'o-s,' 
 said the doctor, 'there is nothing more likely. 
 I would actually give a vast sum for a sight 
 of that manuscrii)t, which must be ine.eti- 
 mal)le ; and, if I understood the jirocess, 
 would set about it immediately.' The player 
 assured him the process was very simple — 
 that ho must cram a hundred-wcijrht of dry 
 tinder into a glass retort, and, distilling it by 
 the forco of animal heat, it would yield half 
 a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which 
 is a full dose. ' Upon my integrity I' exclaimed 
 the incredulous doctor, ' this is very amazingand 
 extraordinary! that a crt/m/ jnw^fMoi should 
 j-ield anv water at all. I must, own I have 
 always been an enemy to specifics, which I 
 thought inconsistent with the nature of the 
 animal economy ; but certainly the authority 
 of Solomon is not to be questioned. I won- a 
 der where I shall find a glass retort large ■ 
 enough to contain such a vast quantity of 
 tinder, the consumption of which must un- 
 
KCTDERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 119 
 
 ' 'lonbtedly raise tho price of paper, or where 
 .ill I find animal heat sufficient even to warm 
 Mich a mass!-' Slyboots informed him, that 
 he mi.rht have a retort blowTi for him as big 
 as a church : and, that the easiest method of 
 raisinij the vapour by animal heat, would be 
 to place it in the middle of an infirmary for 
 feverish patients, who might lie upon mat- 
 tresses around and in contact with it. Ho 
 had no sooner pronotinced these words, than 
 Wafftail exclaimed in a rapture, ' An admi- 
 rable cxi)cdient, as I hope to be saved ! I will 
 positively put it in practice.' 
 
 This simplicity of tho physician furnished 
 excellent diversion for the company, who, in 
 their turns, sneered at him in ironical com- 
 pliments, which his vanity swallowed as the 
 genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. 
 Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now 
 broke out and entertained us with a catalopuo 
 of all the people who danced at tho last 
 Hamp.stcad assembly, with a most circum- 
 stantial account of the dress and ornaments 
 of each, from the lappets of the la<iie3 to the 
 shoc-backles of tho men ; concluding with 
 telling Bragwell, that his mi.stress Melinda 
 was there, and seemed to miss him : and 
 Boliciting his company at tho ne\t occasion 
 of that kind. 
 
 ' No, d — mo,' said Bragwell, ' I have some- 
 thing else to miiul than dangling after a 
 Carcel of giddy-he;ulod girls; besides, you 
 now my temper is so unruly, that I am apt 
 to involve myself in scnipos when a woman 
 is concerned. The last time I was there, I 
 had an affair with Tom Trippit." 'Oh! I 
 romeml)or that !' cried Banter ; ' you luggeil 
 out before the latlies ; and I commend j-ou 
 for so doing, because you had an opportunity 
 of showing your manhood without nuining 
 any risk." ' Ki.sk !' said the other with a fierce 
 countenance, ' d — n my blood I I fear no risks. 
 I an't afraid of lugging out against any man 
 that wears a head, d — me ! 'Tis well known 
 that I have drawn blood more than once, and 
 lost some too ; but what does that aignifv ?' 
 The player begged this champion to employ 
 him as his second the next time he intended 
 to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a 
 stab, that he might know how to act such a 
 part the more naturally on tho stage. ' Die !' 
 replied the hero : ' No, by G — ! I know bet- 
 ter things than to incur tho venlict of a 
 Middlesex jury — I should look upon my 
 fencing- master to bo an ignorant son of a 
 b — h, if he had not taught me to prick any 
 part of my antagonist's body that I please to 
 disable.' ' Oho !' cried Slyboot, ' if that bo 
 the case, I have a favour to ask. You must 
 know I am emplo.ved to paint a Jesus on the 
 cross ; and my purpose is to represent him 
 at that point of time when the spear is thrust 
 into his side. Now I should lie glad if you 
 would, in my presence, pink some imperti- 
 nent feUow into convulsions, without en- 
 dangerinj^ his life, that I may have an 
 opportunity of taking a good clever agony 
 
 from nature : the doctor will direct you whoro 
 to enter, and how far to go ; but pray let it 
 be as near the left side as possible.' Wagtail, 
 who took this proposal seriously, observed, 
 that it would be a verj* difficult matter to 
 penetrate into the left side of tho thorax 
 without hurting the heart, and of consequence 
 killing the patient ; but ho believed it was 
 possible for a man of a very nice hand and 
 exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the 
 diaphragma somewhere about tho skirts, 
 which might induce a singiJtus, without 
 being attended with death : that he was 
 ready to demonstrate the insertion of that 
 muscle to Mr. Bragwell ; but desired to have 
 no concern with the experiment, which might 
 essentially prejudice his reputation, in case 
 of a miscarriage. Bragwell was as much 
 imposed upon by tho painter's waggery as 
 the doctor, and declined engaging in the 
 affair, saying he had a very great regard for 
 Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, 
 never to fight except when his honour was 
 engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind 
 were uttered ; the wine circulated, supper 
 was served in, we ate heartily, returned to 
 the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and trouble- 
 some. Banter grew more and more severe, 
 Rnntor rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the 
 wholo company, I sang French catches, and 
 Chatter kissed me with groat affection ; whilo 
 the doctor, with a woful countenance, sat 
 silent like a discii)le of Pythagoras. At 
 length, it was proposed by Bragwell, that we 
 should scour the hundreds, sweat the con- 
 stable, maul tho watch, and then reel soberly 
 to bed. 
 
 Wliile wo deliberated upon this expedition, 
 the waiter came into the room, and a.sked for 
 Doctor Wagtail : when he understood ho 
 was present, he told him there was a lady 
 below to inquire for him, at which message 
 tho physician started from his melancholy 
 contemplation, and, with a look of extreme 
 confusion, assured the company he could not 
 possibly be tho person wanted, for ho had no 
 connection with any lady whatever, and bado 
 the drawer tell her so. ' For shame !' cried 
 Banter ; ' would you bo so impolite as to re- 
 fu.se a lady a hearing ? perhaps she comes for 
 a consultation. It mu.st be some extraordinary 
 affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this 
 time o'night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the 
 doctor's ba.se-mains to the Imly, and squire 
 her hither.' The player immediately stag- 
 gered out, and returned, le.iding in with 
 much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, 
 whoso appearance proclaimed her occupa- 
 tion. We received her with tho utmost solem- 
 nity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was 
 persuaded to ait, when a profound silence en- 
 sned, during which she fixed her eyes, with a 
 disconsolate look, upon the doctor, who was 
 utterly confounded at her behaviour, and 
 returned her melancholy fourfold ; at length, 
 after a good many piteous sighs, .she wiped 
 her eyea, wX accosted him thus : ' What ! not 
 
120 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 one word of comfort ? Will nothing' soften 
 that stony heart of thine ? Not all my tears ! 
 not all my affliction ! not the inevitable ruin 
 thou has brought upon me ! Where are thy 
 vows, thou faithless, perjured man ? Hast 
 thou no honour — no conscience — no remorse 
 for thy perfidious conduct towards me ? 
 Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, 
 or must I have recourse to heaven or hell for 
 my revenge ? ' If poor Wagtail was amazed 
 before she spoke, what must his confusion be 
 on hearing this address ! His natural pale- 
 ness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his 
 eyes rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered 
 in an accent not to be described, ' Upon my 
 word, honour, and salvation, madam, you are 
 actually mistaken in my person. I have a 
 most particular veneration for your sex, and 
 am actually incapable of injuring any lady in 
 the smallest degree, madam ; besides, madam, 
 to the best of my recollection, I never had the 
 honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be 
 saved, madam ! ' ' How, traitor ! ' cried she, 
 ' dost thou disown me then ? Mistaken ! no, 
 too well I know that fair bewitching face ! 
 too well I know that false enchanting tongue ! 
 Alas ! gentlemen, since the villain compels 
 me by his unkindness, to expose myself and 
 him, know that this betrayer, under the spe- 
 cious pretence of honourable addresses, won 
 my heart, and taking advantage of his con- 
 quest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and 
 afterwards abandoned me to my fate ! I am 
 now four months gone with child by him, 
 turned out of doors by my relations, and left 
 a prey to misery and want ! Yes, thou bar- 
 barian,' said she, turning to Wagtail, ' thou 
 tiger, thou succubus ! too well thou knowest 
 my situation. But I will tear out thy faith- 
 less heart, and deliver the world from such a 
 monster.' So saying, she sprang forward at 
 the doctor, who with incredible agility, jumped 
 over the table, and ran behind BragweU, while 
 the rest of us endeavoured to appease the 
 furious heroine. Although everybody in the 
 company affected the utmost surprise, I 
 could easily perceive it was a scheme con- 
 certed among them to produce diversion at 
 the doctor's expense; and being under no 
 concern about the consequence, I entered into 
 the confederacy, and. enjoyed the distress of 
 Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged 
 the protection of the company, declaring him- 
 self as innocent of the crime laid to his charge 
 as the foetus in utero ; and hinting at the 
 same time, that nature had not put it in his 
 powerto be guilty of such atrespass. ' Nature !' 
 cried the lady, 'there was no nature in the 
 case ; he abused me by the help of charms and 
 spells ; else how is it possible that any woman 
 could have listened to the addresses of such a 
 scarecrow ? Were these owlish eyes made 
 for ogling; that carrion complexion to be 
 admired ; or that mouth, like a horse-shoe, 
 to be kissed? No, no, you owe your suc- 
 cess to your philtres, to your drugs and 
 incantations; and not to your natural talents, 
 
 which are, in every respect, mean and con- 
 temptible.' 
 
 The doctor thought he had got an oppor- 
 tunity of vindicating himself eflectually ; and 
 desired the complainant to compose "herself 
 but for half-an-hour, in which he undertook 
 to prove the absurdity of believing in the 
 power of incantations, which were only idle 
 dreams of ignorance and superstition. He 
 accordingly pronounced a very learned dis- 
 course upon the nature of ideas, the power 
 and independence of the mind, the properties 
 of stimulating medicines, the difference be- 
 tween a proneness to venery, which many 
 simples would create, and a passion limited to 
 one object, which can only be the result of 
 sense and reflection ; and concluded with a 
 pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his un- 
 happiness in being persecuted with the resent- 
 ment of a lady whom he had never injured, 
 nor even seen before that occasion, and whose 
 faculties were, in all likelihood, so much im- 
 paired by her misfortunes that an innocent 
 person was in danger of being ruined by her 
 disorder. He had no sooner finished his 
 harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed 
 her lamentations, and cautioned the company 
 against his eloquence, which, she said, was 
 able to bias the most impartial bench in 
 Christendom. Ranter advised him to espouse 
 her immediately, as the only means to salve 
 his reputation, and offered to accompany him 
 to the Fleet for that purpose ; but Slyboot 
 proposed that a father should be purchased 
 for the child, and a comfortable alimony 
 settled on the mother. Ranter promised to 
 adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready 
 to worship him for his generosity; and, though 
 he persisted in protesting his innocence, con- 
 descended to everything rather than his un- 
 blemished character should be called in ques- 
 tion. The lady rejected the proposal, and 
 insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the 
 cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to rid 
 him of her importunity for half-a-guinea ; upon 
 which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled 
 out his purse, and put it into the hand of his 
 friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave 
 it to the plaintiff, and bade her thank God for 
 her good fortune. When she had received this 
 bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, 
 since the physician had renounced her, he 
 would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss ; 
 this he was prevailed upon to grant with great 
 reluctance, and went up with his usual 
 solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of 
 his cheek with her teeth, and held fast, while 
 he roared with anguish, to the unspeakable 
 diversion of all present. When she thought 
 proper to release him, she dropped a low 
 courtesy to the company, and quitted the 
 room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, 
 not so much on account of the pain, as the 
 apprehension of the consequence of the bite ; 
 for, by this time, he was convinced of her 
 being mad. Banter prescribed the actual cau- 
 tery, and put the poker in the fire to be 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 121 
 
 heated, in order to sear the place. The player 
 was of opinion that Braf^well should scoop 
 out the part affected with the point of his 
 sword ; but the painter prevented both these 
 dreadful operations, by recommending a bal- 
 sam he had in his pocket, which never failed 
 to cure the bite of a mad dog ; so saying, he 
 pulled out a small bladder of black paint, 
 with which he instantly anointed not only 
 the sore, but the greatest part of the patient's 
 face, and left it in a frightful condition. In 
 short, the poor creatiire was so harassed with 
 fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, 
 and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the 
 inclination of everybody present. 
 
 This freedom of mine gave umbrage to 
 Bragwell, who testified his displeasure by 
 swearing a few threats, without making any 
 application ; which, being perceived by Sly- 
 boot, who sat by me, he, with a view of pro- 
 , moting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he 
 thought Bragwell used me very ill, but every 
 man was the best judge of his own affairs. I 
 answered aloud, that I would neither suffer 
 Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me iU with 
 , , impunity ; and that I stood in no need of his 
 : counsel in regard to the regulation of my 
 1 conduct. He thought proper to ask a thou- 
 ! sand pardons, and assure me he meant 
 : no offence ; while Bragwell feigned himself 
 I asleep, that he might not be obliged to take 
 notice of what passed. But the player, who 
 , had more animal spirits and less discretion 
 than Slyboot, imwiUing to let the affair 
 rest where he had dropped it, jogged Mr. 
 Bragwell, and told him softly that I had called 
 him names, and threatened to cudgel him. 
 This particular I understood by his starting 
 up and crying, ' Blood and wounds, you lie ! 
 No man durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr. 
 li Random, did you call me names, and threaten 
 I to drub me ?' I denied the imputation, and 
 i proposed te punish the scoundrel who endea- 
 voured to foment disturbance in the company. 
 Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew 
 his sword ; I did the same, and accosted the 
 actor in these words : ' Lookee, Mr. Ranter ; 
 I know you possess all the mimicry and mis- 
 chievous qualities of an ape, because I have 
 observed you put them all in practice more 
 than once to-night, on me and others ; now I 
 want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness 
 also ; therefore, I desire you leap over this 
 ' sword without hesitation.' So saying, I held 
 it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of 
 about three feet from the floor, and called, 
 ' Once — twice— thrice — and away !' but, in- 
 stead of complying with my demand, he 
 snatched his hat and hanger, and, assuming 
 the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst 
 out into the following exclamation, ' Ha ! 
 must I then perform inglorious prank of 
 - sylvan ape in mountain forest caught ! Death 
 rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and 
 , lay my head in fury's lap — Have we not 
 Hiren here ?' This buffoonery did not answer 
 his expectation, for, by this time, the com- 
 
 pany was bent on seeing him in a new cha- 
 racter. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my 
 sword a foot or two higher, that he might 
 have the better opportunity of exerting him- 
 self. The painter told him, if he performed 
 well, he would recommend him as a vaulter 
 to the proprietors of Sadler's Wells ; and 
 Bragwell crying, 'Leap for the King !' applied 
 the point of his sword to the player's poste- 
 riors with such success, that he sprang over 
 in a trice, and, finding the door rmguarded, 
 vanished in a twinkling ; glad, no doubt, of 
 having paid his share of the reckoning so 
 easily. 
 
 It being now near two o'clock in the morn- 
 ing, we discharged the bill, and sallied out 
 into the street. The painter slunk away 
 without taking his leave. Billy Chatter, being 
 unable to speak or stand, was sent to a bagnio ; 
 and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to 
 Moll King's coffee-house, where after he had 
 kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we left 
 him asleep on a bench, and directed our course 
 towards Charing-cross, near which place both 
 he and I lodged. 
 
 The natural dryness of my companion being 
 overcome by Hquor, he honoured me by the 
 way %vith many compliments and professions 
 of friendship, for which I made suitable ac- 
 knowledgments, and told him I thought myself 
 happy in having, by my behaviour, removed 
 the unfavourable opinion he entertained of 
 me at first sight. He was surprised at this 
 declaration, and begged me to explain myself; 
 upon which I mentioned what I had over- 
 heard him say of me to Wagtail in the coffee- 
 house. He laughed, and made an apology for 
 his freedom, assuring me, that my appearance 
 had very much prepossessed him in my 
 favour ; and what he said was only intended 
 as a joke on the doctor's solemnity. I was 
 highly pleased at being undeceived in this 
 particular, and not a little proud of the good 
 opinion of this wit, who shook me by the 
 hand at parting, and promised to meet me the 
 next day at the ordinary. 
 
 CHAPTER XLVIT. 
 
 Strap communicates to me a conquest he had 
 made of a Chandler's Widow— finds himself 
 miserahly mistaken — I go to the Opera — 
 admire Melinda — am^ cautioned hy Banter 
 — go to the Assembly at Hampstead — dance 
 with that young la.dy — receive an insolent 
 message from Bragwell, whose mettle is soon 
 cooled — am, in favour with my Mistress, 
 ivhom I visit next day, and am hxihhied out 
 of eighteen guineas at cards — Strap tn- 
 umphs at my success, hut is astonished at 
 iny expense — Banter comes to m,y lodging, is 
 very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows 
 five guineas from me, as a proof of his 
 friendship. 
 
 IN the morning, before I got up, Strap came 
 into my chamber, and, finding me awake, 
 hemmed several times, scratched his head, 
 
 \ 
 
122 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 cast his eyes upon the ground, and, with a 
 very foolish kiad of simper upon his face, 
 gave me to understand he had something 
 to communicate. ' By your countenance,' 
 said I, ' I expect to hear good tidings.' ' In- 
 different,' replied he, tittering, ' that is, here- 
 after as it shall be. You must know, I have 
 some thoughts of altering my condition.' 
 ' What ! ' cried I, astonished, ' a matrimonial 
 scheme ? O rare Strap ! thou hast got the 
 heels of me at last.' ' N — no less, I assure 
 you,' said he, bursting into a laugh of self- 
 approbation : 'a tallow chandler's widow, 
 that lives hard by, has taken a liking to me 
 — a fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. 
 She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, 
 and a good deal of the ready. I may have 
 her for the asking. She told a friend of mine, 
 a brother footman, that she would take me 
 out of a stinking clout. But I refused to give 
 my final answer, till I knew your opinion 
 of the matter.' I congratulated Monsieur 
 d'Estrapes upon his conquest, and approved 
 of the scheme, provided he could be assured 
 of those circumstances of her fortune ; but 
 advised him to do nothing rashly, and give 
 me an opportunity of seeing the lady before 
 matters should be brought to a conclusion. 
 He assured me he would do nothing without 
 my consent and approbation, and that very 
 morning, while I was at breakfast, introduced 
 his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was 
 a short thick woman, about the age of thirty- 
 six, and had a particular prominence of beUy, 
 which I x^erceived at first sight, not without 
 some suspicion of foul play. I desired her, 
 however, to sit, and treated her with a dish 
 of tea ; the discourse turning on the good 
 qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a 
 prodigy of sobriety, industry and virtue. 
 When she took her leave, he followed her to 
 the door, and returned licking his lips, and 
 asking if I did not think she was a luscious 
 creature. I made no mystery of my appre- 
 hension, but declared my sentiments of her 
 without reserve ; at which he was not sur- 
 prised, telling me had observed the same 
 symptom, but was informed by his friend 
 that she was only livergrown, and would in 
 a few months bo as small in the waist as ever. 
 ' Tes,' said I, ' a few weeks, I believe, will 
 do the business. In. short, Strap, it is my 
 opinion, that you are egregiously imposed 
 upon ; and that this friend is no other than a 
 rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you 
 for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself 
 from the importunities of the mother and the 
 expense of her bantling ; for which reason 
 I would not have you trust implicitly to the 
 report he makes of her wealth, which is in- 
 consistent with his behaviour ; nor run your 
 head precipitately into a noose, that you may 
 afterwards wish exchanged forthehangman's.' 
 He seemed very much startled at my insiniia- 
 tion, and promised to look twice before he 
 leaped ; saying, with some heat, ' Odds, if I 
 find his intention is to betray me, we shall 
 
 see which of us is the better man.' My pre- 
 diction was verified in less than a fortnight ; 
 her great belly producing an -infant, to the 
 unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was, 
 before this happened, inclinable to believe I 
 had refined a little too much in my penetra- 
 tion. His false friend disappeared ; and in a 
 few days after an execution was issued against 
 her goods a.nd household furniture, which 
 were seized by the creditors. 
 
 MeanwhUe I met my friend Banter at the 
 ordinary, and in the evening went to the 
 Opera with him and Mr. Chatter, who pointed 
 out Melinda in one of the boxes, and offered 
 to introduce me to her, observing at the same 
 time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten 
 thousand pounds. This piece of information 
 made my heart bound with joy, and I dis- 
 covered great eagerness to accept the propo- 
 sal; upon which he assured me I should 
 dance with her at the next assembly, if ho 
 had any influence in that quarter : so saying, 
 he went round, spoke to her some minutes, 
 and, as I imagined, pointed at me ; then 
 returning, told me, to my inexpressible plea- 
 sure, that I might depend upon what he had 
 promised, for she was now engaged as my 
 partner. Banter, in a whisper, gave me to 
 imderstand that she was an incorrigible 
 coquette, who would grant the same favour 
 to any young fellow in England of a tolerable 
 appearance, merely to engage him among the 
 herd of her admirers, that she might have the 
 pleasure of seeing them daily increase ; that 
 she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead 
 to every passion but vanity, and so blind to 
 merit, that he would lay any wager the 
 wealthiest fool would carry her at last. I 
 attributed a good deal of this intelligence to 
 the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment 
 for having himself suffered a rebuff from 
 the lady in question ; and, at any rate, trusted 
 so much to my own accomplishments, as to 
 believe no woman could resist the ardour of 
 my addresses. 
 
 Pull of this confidence I repaired to Hamp- 
 stead, in company with Billy Chatter, my 
 Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I 
 saw a very brilliant assembly, before whom I 
 had the honour to walk a minuet with Me- 
 linda, who charmed me with her frank manner 
 and easiness of behaviour. Before the coun- 
 try dances began. I received a message by a 
 person I did not know from Bragwell, who 
 was present, importing that nobody who knew 
 him presumed to dance with Melinda while 
 he was there in person, and that I woiUd do 
 well to relinquish her without noise, because 
 he had a mind to lead vip a country dance 
 with her. This extraordinary intimation, 
 which was delivered in the lady's hearing, 
 did not at all discompose me, who, by this 
 time, was pretty well acquainted with the 
 character of my rival. I therefore, without 
 the least symptom of concern, bade the gen- 
 tleman toll Mr. Bragwell, that, since I was 
 so happy as to obtain the lady's consent, I 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 123 
 
 should not be solicitous about his; and de- 
 sired the bearer himself to bring me no such 
 impertinent messages for the future. Melinda, 
 affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to 
 wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give himself 
 such liberties with regard to her, who had no 
 manner of connection with the fellow. I laid 
 hold of this opportunity to display my valour, 
 and offered to call him to an account for his 
 insolence, a proposal which she absolutely re- 
 fused, under pretence of consulting my safety; 
 though I could perceive, by the sparkling of 
 her eyes, that she would not have thought 
 herself affronted by being the subject of a 
 duel. I was by no means pleased with this 
 discovery of her thoughts, which not only 
 argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but like- 
 wise the most barbarous indifference; how- 
 ever, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved 
 to gratify her pride, in making her the occa- 
 sion of a public quarrel between me and Brag- 
 well, who, I was pretty certain, would never 
 drive matters to a dangerous extremity. 
 
 While we danced together, I observed this 
 formidable rival at one end of the room, en- 
 circled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he 
 talked with great vehemence, casting many 
 big looks at me from time to time. I guessed 
 the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I 
 had handed my partner to her seat, strutted 
 up to the place where ho stood, and, cocking 
 my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had 
 anything to say to me. He answered with a 
 sullen tone, ' Nothing, at present, sir ;' and 
 turned about upon his heel. ' Well,' said I, 
 'you faiow where I am to be found at any 
 time.' His cumpEinions stared at one another, 
 and I returned to the lady, whose features 
 brightened at my approach, and immediately 
 a whisper ran through the whole room ; after 
 which, so many eyes were turned upon me 
 that I Avas ready to sink with confusion. 
 When the ball broke up, I led her to her 
 coach, and, like a true French gallant, would 
 have got up behind it, in order to protect her 
 from violence on the road, but she absolutely 
 refused my offer, and expressed her concern 
 that there was not an empty seat for me 
 within the vehicle. 
 
 Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her 
 at her lodgings, by permission, in company 
 with Chatter, and was very civiUy received 
 by her mother, with whom she lived. There 
 were a good many fashionable people present, 
 chiefly young fellows, and immediately after 
 tea a couple of card tables were set, at one of 
 which I had the honour to play with Melinda, 
 who in less than three hours, made shift to 
 plunder me of eight guineas. I was well 
 enough content to lose a little money with a 
 good grace, that I might have an opportunity 
 in the meantime to say soft things, which are 
 stiU most welcome when attended with good 
 luck ; but I was by no means satisfied of her 
 fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not 
 a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of 
 her disinterestedness and delicacy. However, 
 
 I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, 
 and treat her in my turn with less ceremony ; 
 accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and, 
 finding her not at aU disgusted with the gross 
 incense I offered, that very night made a de- 
 claration of love in plain terms. She received 
 my addresses with great gaiety, and pretended 
 to laugh them off, but at the same time treated 
 me with such particular complacency that I 
 was persuaded I had made a conquest of her 
 heart, and concluded myself the happiest man 
 alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I 
 sat down again to cards after supper, and 
 with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be 
 cheated of ten guineas more. 
 
 It was late before I took my leave, after be- 
 ing favoured with a general invitation ; and, 
 when I got into bed, the adventures of the 
 day hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes 
 I pleased myself with the hopes of possessing 
 a fine woman with ten thousand pounds ; then 
 I would ruminate on the character I had heard 
 of her from Banter, and compare it with the 
 circumstances of her conduct towards me, 
 which seemed to bear too great a resemblance 
 to the picture he had drawn. This intro- 
 duced a melancholy reflection on the expense 
 I had undergone, and the smaUness of my 
 funds to support it, which, by-the-by, were 
 none of my own. In short, I found myself 
 involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept 
 me awake the greatest part of the night. 
 
 In the morning, Strap, with whom I had 
 not conversed for two days, presented him- 
 self with the utensils for shaving me ; upon 
 which, I asked his opinion of the lady whom 
 he had seen me conduct to her coach at Hamp- 
 stead. ' Odds ! she's a delicious creature !' 
 cried he, ' and, as I am informed, a great for- 
 tune. I am sorry you did not insist on going 
 home with her. I dare say, she would not 
 have refused your company ; for she seems to 
 be a good-humoured soul.' ' There's a time 
 for all things,' said I. ' You must know, 
 Strap, I was in company with her till one 
 o'clock this morning.' I had no sooner pro- 
 nounced these words than he began to caper 
 about the room, and snap his fingers, crying 
 in a transport, ' The day's our own ! — the 
 day's our own !' I gave him to understand 
 that his triumph was a little premature, and 
 that I had more difficulties to surmount than 
 he was aware of; then I recounted to him the 
 intelligence I had received frem Banter. At 
 which he changed colour, shook his head, and 
 observed there was no faith in woman. I told 
 him I was resolved to make a bold push not- 
 withstanding, although I foresaw it would 
 lead me into a great expense ; and bade him 
 guess the sum I had lost last night at cards. 
 He scratched his chin, and protested his ab- 
 horrence of cards, the very name of which 
 being mentioned, made him sweat with vexa- 
 tion, as it recalled the money-dropper to his 
 remembrance. ' But, however,' said he, ' you 
 have to do with other guess people now. 
 Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run lasi 
 
124 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 niglit, you would scarce come off for less than 
 ten or twelve shillings.' I was mortified at 
 this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at 
 that time, was all affected by way of repri- 
 mand for my folly ; and asked with some heat, 
 if he thought I had spent the evening in a 
 cellar with chairmen and hunters ; giving 
 him to know, at the same time, that my ex- 
 pense had amounted to eighteen guineas. 
 
 It would require the pencil of Hogarth to 
 express the astonishment and concern of 
 Strap, on hearing this piece of news ; the 
 basin, in which he was preparing the lather 
 for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he 
 remained some time immovable in that ludi- 
 crous attitude, with his mouth open, and his 
 eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their 
 station; but, remembering my disposition, 
 which was touchy and impatient of control, he 
 smothered his chagrin, and attempted to re- 
 collect himself, With this view he endea- 
 voured to laugh, but, in spite of his teeth, 
 broke out into a whimper, took up his wash- 
 ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed my beard with 
 the one, and discharged the other upon my 
 face. I took no notice of this confusion, but, 
 after he had fuUy recovered himself, put him 
 in mind of his right, and assured him of my 
 readiness to surrender his effects whenever 
 he should think proper to demand them. He 
 was nettled at my insinuation, which he 
 thought proceeded from my distrust of his 
 friendship ; and begged I would never talk to 
 him in that strain again, unless I had a mind 
 to break his heart. 
 
 This good creature's unalterable friendship 
 for me affected me with the most grateful 
 sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resola- 
 tion of acquiring a fortune, that I might have 
 it in my power to manifest my generosity in 
 my turn. For this purpose, I determined to 
 bring matters to a speedy conclusion with 
 Melinda ; well knowing that a few such nights 
 as the last would effectually incapacitate me 
 from prosecuting that or any other advanta- 
 geous amour. 
 
 While my meditation was busied in plan- 
 ning out my future conduct, Mr. Banter fa- 
 voured me with a visit, and after breakfast 
 asked me how I had passed the preceding 
 evening. I answered, I was very agreeably 
 entertained at a private house. ' Yes,' said 
 he, with a sarcastic smile, ' you deserve some- 
 thing extraordinary for the price you paid.' 
 I was surprised at this remark, and pretended 
 ignorance of his meaning. ' Come, come, 
 Random,' continued he, ' you need not make 
 a mystery of it to me ; the whole town has 
 it. I wish that foolish affair between you and 
 Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. 
 It has set all the busybodies at work to find 
 out your real character and situation ; and 
 you cannot imagine what conjectures have 
 already circulated at your expense. One sus- 
 pects you to be a Jesuit in disguise ; another 
 thinks you are an agent from the Pretender ; 
 a third believes you to be an upstart game- 
 
 ster, because nobody knows anything of your 
 family or fortune ; a fourth is of opinion that i 
 you are an Irish fortune-hunter.' This last 
 hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to con- 
 ceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his 
 detail, and damn the world for an envious 
 meddling community, that would not suffer a 
 gentleman to live without molestation. He 
 took no notice of this apostrophe, but went 
 on. ' For my own part, I neither know nor 
 desire to know who or what you are. This I 
 am certain of, that few people make a mystery 
 of their origin or situation, who can boast of 
 anything advantageous in either; and my 
 own opinion of the matter is, that you have 
 raised yourself, by your industry, from 
 nothing to the appearance you now maintain, 
 and which you endeavour to support by some 
 matrimonial scheme.' Here he fixed his eyes 
 steadfastly upon me, and perceiving my face 
 covered with blushes, told me, now he was 
 confirmed in his opinion. ' Look ye, Random,' 
 said he, ' I have divined your plan, and am 
 confident it will never succeed. You are too 
 honest and too ignorant of the town to prac- 
 tise the necessary cheats of your profession, 
 and detect the conspiracies that will be formed 
 against you. Besides, you are downright 
 bashful. What the devil ! set up for a fortune 
 hunter before you have conquered the sense 
 of shame ! Perhaps you are entitled by your 
 merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a 
 better wife than Melinda ; but, take my word 
 for it, she is not to be won at that rate ; — or, 
 if you are so lucky as to carry her, between 
 you and me, you may say, as Teague did, By 
 my soul, I have gained a loss ! She would 
 take care to spend her fortune in a twink- 
 ling, and soon make you sick of her extrava- 
 gaftice.' 
 
 I was alarmed by his discourse, while I re- 
 sented the freedom of it, and expressed my dis- 
 gust by telling him he was mistaken in my 
 intentions, and desiring he would give me 
 leave to regulate my conduct according to the 
 dictates of my own reason. He made an apo- 
 logy for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed 
 it to the warmth of his friendship for me ; as 
 an uncommon instance of Avhich, he borrowed 
 five guineas, assuring me, there were very few 
 people in the Avorld whom he could so far fa- 
 vour with his confidence. I gave him the 
 money, and professed myself so well convinced 
 of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put 
 it to such extraordinary proofs for the future. 
 ' I thought,' said he, ' to have asked five pieces 
 more, but hearing you were bubbled of eight- 
 een last night, I presumed you might bo out 
 of cash, and resolved to model my demand 
 accordingly.' I could not help admiring the 
 cavalier behaviour of this spark, of w hom I 
 desired to know his reason for saying I was 
 bubbled. He then gave me to understand, 
 that before he came to my lodgings, he had 
 beat up Tom Tossle, who, having been pre- 
 sent, informed him of the particulars, re- 
 hearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 125 
 
 with which he proposed to entertain the town, 
 and among other circumstances assured him 
 my mistress cheated with so little art, that 
 nobody but a mere novice could be imposed 
 upon. 
 
 The thoughts of becoming a subject of rail- 
 lery for coxcombs, and losing my money to 
 boot, stung me to the quick ; but I made a 
 virtue of my indignation, and swore that no 
 man should with impunity either asperse the 
 character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour 
 into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, 
 that I would find it a Herculean task to chas- 
 tise everybody who should laugh at my ex- 
 pense ; and, as for the character of Melinda, 
 he did not see how it could suffer by what was 
 laid to her charge ; for that cheating at cards, 
 far from being reckoned a blemish among peo- 
 ple of fashion, was looked upon as an honoui-- 
 able indication of superior genius and address. 
 ' But let us waive this subject,' said he, ' and 
 go to the coffee-house, in order to make a 
 party for dinner.' 
 
 CHAPTER XLVIII. 
 
 We repair to the coffee-house, where we over- 
 hear a curious dispute between Wagtail and 
 Medlar, which is referred to our decision — 
 the Doctor gives an account of his experi- 
 ment — Medlar is roasted by Banter at the 
 ordinary — the old gentleman's advice to me. 
 
 BEING as willing to drop the theme as he 
 to propose it, I accompanied him thither, 
 where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail 
 disputing upon the word Custard, which the 
 physician affirmed should be spelt with a G, 
 observing that it was derived from the Latin 
 verb gustare, ' to taste ; ' but Medlar pleaded 
 custom in behalf of C, observing, that, by the 
 Doctor's rule, we ought to change pudding 
 into budding, because it is derived from the 
 French word boudin ; and in that case Avhy 
 not retain the original orthography and pro- 
 nunciation of all the foreign words we have 
 adopted, by which means our language would 
 become a dissonant jargon without standard 
 or propriety ? The controversy was referred 
 to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real 
 opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour 
 of Wagtail ; upon which the peevish annui- 
 tant arose, and uttering the monosyllable 
 pif'h ! with great emphasis, removed to ano- 
 ther table. 
 
 Wo then inquired of the doctor, what pro- 
 gress he had made in the experiment of dis- 
 tilling tinder-water; and he told us ho had 
 been at all the glass-houses about town, but 
 could find nobody who would undertake to 
 blow a retort lai-ge enough to hold the third 
 part of the quantity prescribed; but he in- 
 tended to try the process on as much as woiald 
 produce five drops, which would be sufficient 
 to prove the specific, and then he would make 
 it a parliamentary affair ; that he had already 
 purchased a considerable weight of rags, in 
 
 reducing which to tinder, he had met with a 
 misfortune, which had obliged l^im to change 
 his lodgings ; for he had gathered them in a 
 heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a 
 candle, on the supposition that the boards 
 would sustain no damage, because it is the 
 nature of flame to ascend ; but, by some very 
 extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, 
 and began to blaze with great violence, which 
 disordered him so much, that he had not the 
 presence of mind enough to caU for assistance, 
 and the whole house must have been con- 
 sumed with him in the midst of it, had not 
 the smoke that rolled out of the windows 
 in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, and 
 brought people to his succour : that he had 
 lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tie- 
 wig in the hurry, besides the expense of the 
 rags, which were rendered useless by the 
 water used to quench the flame, and the 
 damageof the floor, which he was compelled 
 to repair ; that his landlord, believing him 
 distracted, had insisted on his quitting his 
 apartment at a minute's warning, and he was 
 put to incredible inconvenience ; but now he 
 was settled in a very comfortable house, and 
 had the use of a large paved yard for pre- 
 paring his tinder ; so that he hoped in a very- 
 short time to reap the fruits of his labour. 
 
 After having congratulated the doctor on 
 his prospect, and read the papers, we repaired 
 to an auction of pictures, where we enter- 
 tained ourselves an hour or two ; from thence 
 we adjourned to the Mall, and, after two or 
 three turns, went back to dinner. Banter as- 
 suring us, thai; he intended to roast Medlar at 
 the ordinary ; and, indeed, we were no sooner 
 set than this cynic began to execute his pur- 
 pose, by telling the old gentleman that he 
 looked extremely well, considering the little 
 sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this com- 
 pliment Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, 
 accompanied with a significant grin ; and Ban- 
 ter went on thus ; ' I don't know whether 
 most to admire the charity of your mind, or 
 the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. 
 Medlar, you do generous things with the best 
 taste of any man I know ! You extend your 
 compassion to real objects, and exact only 
 such returns as they are capable of making. 
 You must know, gentlemen,' said he, turning 
 to the company, ' I had been up most part of 
 the night with a friend who is ill of a fever, 
 and, on my return j^ome this morning, 
 chanced to pass by a gin shop still open, 
 whence issued a confused sound of mirth and 
 jollity : upon which, I popped in my head, 
 and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing bare- 
 headed in the midst of ten or twenty ragged 
 bunters, who rejoiced at his expense. But 
 indeed, Mr. Medlar, you ought not to sacrifice 
 your constitution to your benevolence. Con- 
 sider, you groAV old apace; and, therefore, 
 have a reverend care of your health, which 
 must certainly be very much impaired by 
 these nocturnal expeditions.' The testy se- 
 nior could no longer contain himself, but cried 
 
126 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 hastily, ' 'Tia well known that your tongue is 
 no slander.' ' I think,' said the other, ' you 
 might spare 1*iat observation, as you are very 
 sensible, that my tongue has done you signal 
 service on many occasions. You may re- 
 member, that, when you made your addresses 
 to the fat widow who kept a public-house at 
 Islington, there was a report spread very 
 much to the prejudice of your manhood, 
 which coining to the ears of your mistress, 
 you were discarded immediately: and I 
 brought matters to a reconciliation, by assur- 
 ing her you had three bastards at nurse in 
 the country. How you ruined your own 
 affair afterwards, it is neither my business 
 nor inclination to relate.' 
 
 This anecdote, which had no other founda- 
 tion than in Banter's own invention, afforded 
 a good deal of mirth to everybody present, 
 and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond aU suffer- 
 ance ; so that he started up in a mighty pas- 
 sion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, 
 bespattered those who sat next to him, while_ 
 he discharged his indignation in a voUey of 
 oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, 
 impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such 
 appellations ; telling the company he had in- 
 vented these false and malicious aspersions, 
 because he would not lend him money to 
 squander away upon rooks and whores. ' A 
 very likely story,' said Banter, ' that I should 
 attempt to borrow money of a man who is 
 ol)liged to practise a thousand shifts to make 
 his weekly allowance hold out till Saturday 
 night. Sometimes he sleeps four-and-twenty 
 hours at a stretch, by which iroans he saves 
 three meals, besides coffee-house expense. 
 Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread 
 and cheese and small beer for dinner; and 
 sometimes he regales on twopennyworth of 
 ox cheek in a cellar.' ' You are a lying mis- 
 creant!' cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; 
 ' I can always command money enough to 
 pay your tailor's bill, which I am sure is no 
 trifle ; and I have a good mind to give you a 
 convincing proof of my circumstances, by 
 prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.' By 
 this time the violence of his \vrath had de- 
 prived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, 
 unable to swallow one mouthful, while his 
 tormentor enjoyed his mortification, and in- 
 creased his chagrin, by advising him to lay 
 in plentifully for his next day's fast. 
 
 l)inncr being ended, we came down stairs 
 to the coffee room, and Banter went away to 
 keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he 
 should see Wagtail and mo in the evcnmg at 
 the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no sooner 
 gone than the old gentleman took me aside, 
 and said, he was sorry to see me so intimate 
 with that fellow, who was one of the most 
 graceless rakes about town, and had already 
 wasted a good estate and constitution upon 
 hai-lots : that he had been the ruin of many 
 a young man, by introducing them into de- 
 bauched company, and setting a lewd exam- 
 ple of all manner of wickedness ; and that, 
 
 unless I were on my guard, he would strip 
 me in a short time both of my money and re- 
 putation. I thanked him for his information, 
 and promised to conduct myself accordingly, 
 wishing, however, his caution had been a few 
 hours more early, by which means I might have 
 saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this in- 
 telligence, I was inclinable to impute some 
 part of the charge to Medlar's revenge for 
 the liberties taken with him at dinner ; and 
 therefore, as soon as I could disengage my- 
 self, applied to "Wagtail for his opinion of the 
 character in question, resolved to compare 
 their accoimts, allowing for the prejudice of 
 each, and to form my judgment upon 
 both, without adhering strictly to either. 
 The doctor assured me, that he was a very 
 pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a 
 scholar, a wit, a critic, and perfectly well ac- 
 quainted with the town ; that his honour and 
 courage were unquestionable, though some 
 extravagances ho had been guilty of, and his 
 talents for satire had procured him enemies, 
 and made some people shy of his acquaintance. 
 From these different sketches, I concluded 
 that Banter was a young fellow of some parts, 
 who had spent his fortune, but retained his 
 appetites, and fallen out with the world, be- 
 cause he could not enjoy it to his wish. 
 
 I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the 
 evening, where I met my friends, fi'om tlicjun 
 proceeded to the plaj% and afterwards carricl 
 them home to my lodgings, where wo supped 
 in gi'eat good humour. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIX. 
 
 I receive a Ch<illeuge — the Consequence of it — 
 the Quarrel being made uj), am put ia 
 An-cst by the Care and Affection of Strap — 
 bxit immediately released upon explaining 
 my Affair — tlie Behaviour of Mr. Oregon o <- ' 
 his two Friends — I visit Melinda, whom / 
 divert mth an account of the Dtiel—prop' 
 Marriage — she refers the Matter to I 
 Mother, ofvjliom I make a solemn dcma,! 
 of her Daughter — the old Lady's behaviour — 
 I am discarded — res&nt tlieir Disdain. 
 
 WHEN I was ready to go abroad next day, 
 Sti-ap brought me a letter. To Mr. 
 Randojn, Esq., these; which, upon opening. T 
 found contained a challenge conceived iu 
 these very extraordinary terms : 
 
 ' Sir, — "VVliereas I am informed that you make 
 love to Miss Melimla Goosetrap, this is to lot 
 you know that she is under i)romiso of mar- 
 riage to mo ; and that I am at this present 
 waiting at the back of Montague House, with 
 a pair of good pistols in my hand ; and if you 
 will keep your appointment, I will make your 
 tongue confess (after the breath is out of your 
 body) that you do not deserve her so well as 
 ' Yours, &c. EouRK Oregax.' 
 
 I guessed, from the style and superscription 
 of this billet, that my rival was a true Milesian, 
 and was not a little imeasy at the contents; 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 127 
 
 especially that part, in which he asserted his 
 right to my mistress by promise, a circum- 
 stance I did not know how to reconcile to her 
 good sense and penetration. However, this 
 was no time for me to decline the defiance, 
 because th« success of my addresses in a 
 great measure depended upon my behaviour 
 in that affair. I therefore immediately loaded 
 my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney 
 coach to the place appointed, where I found 
 a tall raw-boned man, with a hard-featured 
 countenance and black bushy beard, walking 
 by himself, wrapped up in a shabby green 
 coat, over which his own hair descended in 
 leathern queue from his head, that was covered 
 with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished 
 poinfe iVEspagne. He had no sooner per- 
 ceived me advancing than he pulled a pistol 
 from his bosom, and, presenting it at 
 me, snapped it without the least preamble. 
 Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a 
 stand, and, before he could adjust his other 
 piece, fired one of mine at him, without doing 
 any damage. By this time ho was ready with 
 his second, that flashed in the pan without 
 going off ; upon which ho called, with a true 
 Tipperary cadence, ' Fire away, honey ! ' and 
 began to hammer his flint with great deli- 
 beration. But I was resolved to make use of 
 the advantage fortune had given me, and 
 therefore stepped up without throwing away 
 my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or pre- 
 pare for another world ; but this stout Hi- 
 bernian refused to conilescend,andcomi)lained 
 bitterly of my having quitted my ground before 
 ho could return my shot : saying I ought to 
 go back to my .station, and let him have an 
 equal chance with me. I endeavoured to per- 
 Buaflo him that I had given him a douldo 
 chance alreatly -. ami it was my business to 
 prevent him from enjoying a third; but now, 
 since I had an opportunity, I demanded a 
 parley, and desired to know his condition and 
 reason for calling me to the field, who, to the 
 best of my remembrance, far from having 
 done him any injury, had never before seen 
 him. He told me that ho was a gentleman of 
 fortune, who had spent all ho haS, and, hear- 
 ing that Mclinda had got ten thousand pounds, 
 he intended to make himself master of that 
 sum by espousing her, and he was determined, 
 in an honourable way, to cut the throats of 
 all those who stood between him and his 
 hopes. 
 
 I then demanded to know the foundation 
 of his hopes; and now that I had seen 
 him, being more and more astonished at the 
 circumstance of the promise, desired that ho 
 would explain that mystery. He gave me to 
 understand, that he trusted entirely to his 
 birth and personal merit ; that he had fre- 
 quently written to Melinda, setting forth his 
 claim and pretensions, but she was never kind 
 enough to send an answer, or even to admit 
 him into her presence ; and that the promise 
 he mentioned in his letter was made by his 
 friend Mr. Gahagan, who assured him that no 
 
 woman could resist a man of his appearance. 
 I could not forbear laughing to excess at the 
 simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to 
 relish my mirth, but began to be very serious : 
 upon which I endeavoured to appease him, 
 by giving him my word and honour that, far 
 from prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I 
 would represent him to her in the most favour- 
 able light I could with any regard to truth ; 
 but he must not be surprised if she should 
 remain blind to his deserts, for nothing was 
 more capricious than a woman's mind, and 
 the affection of that sex was seldom purchased 
 with virtue alone. That my declaration might 
 have the better eff"ect, I took notice of his 
 deshabiUe, and, professing sorrow at seeing a 
 gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into 
 his hand, at sight of which he threw away his 
 pistols, and hugging me in his arms, cried, 
 ' Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend 
 I have met with these seven long years ! ' 
 Wlien I had suffered some minutes in his 
 embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his 
 rusty arms, wished the devil might burn him 
 if ever he should give me any further trouble 
 about womankind. 
 
 The quarrel being thus amicably composed, 
 I bogged leave to look at his pistols, which I 
 found so crazy and so foul, that I believe it 
 was happy for him neither of them was dis- 
 charged, for one of them would certainly 
 have split in the going off, and he would, in 
 all probability, have lost his hand in the ex- 
 plosion ; but what gave me a lively idea of 
 the man's character was, to find, upon exami- 
 nation, that one of them had been loaded 
 without being primed, and the other primed 
 without a charge. 
 
 While wo walked home together, I ex- 
 pressed a desire of knowing my new friend's 
 history ; and he informed mo of his having 
 served in the German army as a volunteer 
 against the Turks ; that for his behaviour at 
 the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured 
 with an ensign's commission, and afterwards 
 promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in which 
 station it was his misfortune to affront his 
 captain, who challenged him to the field, and 
 was killed in the duel , upon which he was 
 obliged to retreat ; that he had been in Eng- 
 land some years soliciting his friends for 
 provision in the British army; but being 
 hitherto unsuccessful, was desired by Mr. 
 Gahagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, 
 and make his fortune by an advantageous 
 match ; in consequence of which advice, he 
 had made up to Melinda: and, having 
 heard by means of an Irish footman in the 
 family, that I was her chief favourite, had 
 called me out in hopes of removing by my 
 death the greatest obstruction to his desires ; 
 but now he was convinced of my honour and 
 generosity, he swore by the blessed Virgin, 
 he would think of her no more, if there were 
 not another woman in the world. As a 
 further proof of his veracity, which I did 
 not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff- 
 
128 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM, 
 
 box, and pulled out his commission in the 
 Imperial army, and his captain's challenge, 
 which he preserved as testimonials of his 
 character. I was so well con^■inced of this 
 poor man's honesty and courajje, that I de- 
 termined to speak in his behalf to some of 
 my acquaintance, who might recommend his 
 case to the consideration of those who could 
 provide for him ; and in the meantime to 
 accommodate him with a few clothes, by 
 which his appearance woidd be much mended, 
 and himself enabled to renew his solicitations 
 in person. 
 
 As we walked along conversing socially 
 together, we were met by a file of musketeers, 
 and Strap at their head, who no sooner ap- 
 proached than, with a frantic look, he cried, 
 ' Seize them ! In the name of God seize 
 them !' We were accordingly surrounded, 
 and I put in arrest by the corporal, who was 
 commanding officer ; but Captain Oregan 
 disengaged himself, and ran with such speed 
 towards Tottenham Court Road that he was 
 out of sight in a moment. When my arms 
 were delivered up, and myself secured. Strap 
 became a little more composed, and asked 
 pardon for the liberty he had taken, which 
 ho hoped I would excuse, as it proceeded from 
 his affection. He then told me that, suspect- 
 ing the letter (v/hich by the by was brought 
 by the author himself) contained something 
 extraordinary, he had peeped through the 
 keyhole, and seen me load my pistols ; upon 
 which he ran down to Whitehall, and applied 
 to the officer on guard for a party to put me 
 in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone 
 in a coach ; that he had inquired which way 
 I went, and, having heard that duels were 
 commonly fought at the back of Montague 
 House, he conducted the guard to this place, 
 whore ho thanked God for having found me 
 safe and sound. I gave him to understand 
 that I forgave his officious concern for once, 
 but cautioned him in pretty severe terms for 
 making me the subject of idle conversation 
 for the future ; then turning to the corporal, 
 thanked him for his care, and gave him a 
 crown to drink with his men, assuring him 
 that the rencontre was over long before he 
 came up, and everything compromised, as he 
 might have observed by our behaviour ; as a 
 farther jjroof of which, he would find upon 
 examination that one of my pistols had been 
 discharged : but this civil person, without 
 giving himself or me any farther trouble, re- 
 ceived the bounty with a thousand bows and 
 acknowledgments, and, returning the pistols, 
 released me immediately. 
 
 He was not gone a hundred yards, when 
 my friend Oregan came uj) in order to rescue 
 me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had 
 engaged for that purpose about the purlieus 
 of St. Giles's. One of them wafe armed with 
 a musket that wanted a lock, and another 
 with a rusty broadsword ; but their dress 
 surpassed all description. When he umlor- 
 stood I was already free, he made an apology 
 
 for his abrupt departure, and introduced me 
 to his two companions : First, to Counsellor 
 Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then em- 
 ployed in compiling a history of the kings of 
 Muuster, from Irish manuscripts ; and then 
 to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a pro- 
 found philosopher and politician, and had 
 projected many excellent schemes for the 
 good of his coimtry. But it seems these 
 literati had been very ill rewarded for their 
 ingenious labours ; for, between them both, 
 there was but one shirt, and half a pair of 
 breeches. I thanked them very kiuidly for 
 their readiness to assist me, and, having 
 offered my service in my turn, bade them 
 good morrow, desiring Oregan to accompany 
 me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with 
 decent clothes from my wardrobe, so much 
 to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal 
 gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my 
 request, recounted all the adventures of his 
 life. 
 
 In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, 
 who received me with great kindness and 
 familiarity, and laughed excessively at my 
 adventure with the Irishman, to whose wishes 
 she was no stranger, having more than a 
 dozen letters in her possession, which he 
 had -written to her on the subject of love, and 
 which, for my entertainment, she submitted 
 to my perusal. Having made ourselves merry 
 at the expense of this poor admirer, I seized 
 the opportunity of her mother's going out of 
 the room, and introduced my own passion, 
 which I recommended to her with all the 
 ardour and eloquence I was master of. I 
 flattered, sighed, swore, entreated, and acted 
 a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of making 
 some impression on her heart ; but she heard 
 everything I said without discovering the 
 least emotion ; and other company came in 
 before she would vouchsafe one serious reply. 
 After tea, the cards were brought in accord- 
 ing to custom, and it was my good fortune to 
 have Melinda for my partner; by which means, 
 instead of losing, I came off with five guineas 
 clear gain. 
 
 I soon became acquainted with a good many 
 people of fashion, and spent my time in the 
 modish diversions of the town, sucli as plays, 
 operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies, and 
 puppet-shows; chiefly in company with ]\lo- 
 iinda, whom I cultivated with all tlie eagor- 
 ness and address that my prospect could 
 inspire, and my education afford. I spared 
 neither my person nor my purse to gratify 
 her vanity and pride ; my rivals were intimi- 
 dated, and indeed outshone ; and, after all, I 
 began to fear that the dear creature had not a 
 heart to lose. 
 
 At last, finding myself unable to support 
 the expense of this amour much longer, I was 
 determined to bring the matter to a crisis ; 
 and one evening, while we were together by 
 ourselves, complained of her indifference, de- 
 scribed the tortures of suspense t« a love-sick 
 mind, and pressed her to disclose her sen- 
 
nODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 120 
 
 timents of niatrimony and mo "with such 
 earnestness, that she could not, Avith all her 
 art, shift the subject, but was obliged to come 
 to an oclaircissement. She told me, with a 
 careless air, that she had no objection to my 
 person, and if I could satisfy her mother in 
 other particulars, I shouldnot find her averse to 
 the match ; but she was resoh^ed to do nothing 
 in such a momentous concern without the ad- 
 \ice and consent of her parent. This was no 
 very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim 
 had been to win her inclination first, and then 
 secure my conquest by a private marriage, to 
 which I flattered myself she would express no 
 reluctance. That I might not, however, desert 
 my cause before it was desperate, I waited o«i 
 her mother ; and, with great formality, de- 
 manded the daughter in marriage. The good 
 lady, Avho was a very notable woman, behaved 
 with gieat state and civility ; thanked me for 
 the honour I intended her family; and said, 
 she did not doubt that I was in all respects 
 qualified to make a woman happy ; but it 
 concerned her as a parent anxious about the 
 welfare of her child, to inquire into the parti- 
 culars of my fortune, and know what settle- 
 ment I proposed to make. To this intimation, 
 which would have utterly disconcerted mo if 
 I had not expected it, I replied, without hesi- 
 tation that, though my fortune was very 
 small, I was a gentleman by birth and educa- 
 tion, would maintain her daugliter in the 
 sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own 
 dowry on her and her heirs lor over. This 
 careful matron did not seem to relish my pro- 
 posal, but observed, with a demure counte- 
 nance, that there was no necessity for settling 
 that upon her child which was her own 
 already ; however, if I pleased, her lawyer 
 shoidd confer with mine upon the matter ; 
 and, in the meantime, she dcsirod I would 
 favour her with a perusal of my rent-roll. 
 Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, 1 
 could scarce forbear laughing in her face at 
 the mention of my rent-roll, whioli was indeed 
 a severe piece of satire upon my pretensions. 
 I frankly owned I had no landed estate ; and 
 told her that I could not exactly specify the 
 sum I was master of, until I had regulated my 
 affairs, which were at present in some dis- 
 order ; but that I would take an opportimity 
 of satisfying her on that head very soon. 
 
 It was not long before I took my leave, and 
 returned to my lodgings in a very melancholy 
 moorl, persuaded that I had nothing more to 
 expect from that quarter. I was confirmed in 
 this opinion next day, when I went back with 
 a view of explaining myself more fully to the 
 old gentlewoman ; and was told by the foot- 
 man that his ladies were not at home, although 
 I had seen Melinda through the blinds at a 
 parlour window, as I went up to the door. 
 Incensed at this affront, I quitted the door 
 without saying one word, and as I repassed 
 the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained 
 in the same situation, securely screened, as 
 she thought, from my view. 
 
 F 
 
 This disappointment gave mo more uneasi- 
 ness on Strap's account than my own, for 
 I was in no danger of dying for lovo of 
 Melinda ; on the contrary, the remembranco 
 of my charming Narcissa was a continual 
 check upon my conscience during the whole 
 course of my addresses ; and perhaps contri- 
 buted to the bad success of my scheme, by 
 controlling my raptures and condemning my 
 design. 
 
 There was a necessity for informing mj' 
 companion of everything that happened to 
 me and I performed this piece of duty in an 
 affected passion, swcarmg I would bo hi.s 
 pack-horse no longer, and desiring him to 
 take the management of his affairs into his 
 ovra hands. This finesse had the desired 
 effect, for, instead of grumbling over my mis- 
 carriage, Strap was frightened at the passion 
 I feigned, and begged me, for the love of God, 
 to be appeased ; observing that, although wo 
 had suffered a great loss, it was not irrepa- 
 rable ; and if I'ortune frowned to day, she 
 might perhaps smile to-morrow. I i>rctendcd 
 to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equa- 
 nimity, and promised to improve my mis- 
 fortune. Ho, on the other hand, pretended 
 to bo perfectly well satisfied with my con- 
 duct, and conjured me to follow the dictates 
 of mj' own reflection ; but, in spite of all his 
 affectation, I could perceive his inward afllic- 
 tion, and his visage sensibly increased in 
 longitude from that day. 
 
 CHAPTER L. 
 
 I lovg to be revenged on Melinda — apply to 
 Jinnter for his Assistance — lie contrives n, 
 s'*/iome for that ^mrpofc — which is put in 
 Execution unth great Success — / «ioAc an 
 Attempt upon the Heart of Miss Gripenxll, 
 but am disnjjpointed — grow melanchohj at 
 Di;/ Disappointment, and have recourse to 
 the Bottle — receive a Billet-doux — am ro,- 
 visJied with the Contents — -find myself in- 
 7-olved in an Intrigue, xvhich I imagined, 
 would make my Fortune — am confounded at 
 my mistake, ivhich banishes all Thoughts of 
 Matrimony. 
 
 IN the meantime, my attention was wholly 
 engrossed in search of another mistress, 
 and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, 
 in both which schemes I was very much 
 assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a 
 necessary creature among the ladies, that in 
 all private dances ho engaged the men. To 
 him therefore I applied, desiring he would 
 introduce me to a partner of some figure, at 
 the next private assembly, for the sake of a 
 frolic, the intention of which I would after- 
 wards communicate. Billy, who had heard 
 something of a difference between Mehnda 
 and me, immediately smoked part of my de- 
 sign, and, thinking I only wanted to alarm 
 her jealousy a little, promised to gratify my 
 desire, by matching me with a partner worth 
 
130 
 
 nODERlCK RANDOM. 
 
 thirty thousand poumls, whom tho ladies of 
 this end of tho town had lately taken under 
 their inana<jemeut and protection. Ui>on 
 further inquiry, I found this person's namo 
 was Miss Eiddy Gripewell ; that her father, 
 who had been a jjawnibroker, died intestate, 
 by which means all his substance descended 
 to his daughter, who was so little a favourite 
 that, could the old man have prevailed with 
 his own rapacious disposition to jiart with 
 as much money as would have paid the ex- 
 
 fense of a will, she would not have inherited 
 he sixth part of his fortune; that during his 
 life, far from bein{j educated in a way suitable 
 to such great expectations, she was obliged 
 to live like a servant wench, and do the most 
 menial offices in tho family. But his funeral 
 was no sooner performed, than she assumed 
 tho fine lady, and found so many peojde of 
 both sexes to flatter, caress, and instruct her, 
 tliat, for want of discretion and experience, 
 she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, 
 and pretended to no less than a duke or earl 
 at least for her husband ; that she had tho 
 misfortune to be neglected by tho EnglL«h 
 <iuality, but a certain poor Scottish lord wai< 
 then making interest to be introduced to her 
 aciitiaiutance. In the mcautimo, she was 
 fallen into the hands of a notable la<ly, who 
 ]i;ul alrejuly disposed of her to a lieutenant 
 of foot, a ilistant relation of her ladyship's, 
 liiough Miss JUS yet knew nothing of tho 
 affair ; and lastly that, if I proposed to donco 
 with her, I must give him leave to represent 
 me as a knight, or foreign count at lea«t. I 
 was ravished at this jiiece of i: " ion, 
 
 and consented, for one night, to j o a 
 
 French marquis, that I might tho caaier fulfil 
 my revenge. 
 
 Having made tho appointment with Chatter 
 I went to JJantcr's lodgings, as I had by this 
 iinio conceivod a great opinion of liis pene- 
 tration and knowledge; and, after I had 
 t iijoined secrecy, told him every circumstanco 
 of my disgrace with Melinda.'and imparted 
 the plan I had projected to mortify that 
 l)roud coquette, desiring his advice in impro- 
 ving, and assistance in executing tho scheme. 
 Nothing could bo more agreeable to his mis- 
 antliroj.icul temper than an accoimt of her 
 behaviour and my resentment : ho applauded 
 my resolution, and proposed that I should 
 not only provide myself with a proper partner, 
 but also procure such a one for Miss Goose- 
 traji, as should infallibly entail upon her the 
 ridicule of all her acquaintance, for this 
 luir])osc he mentioned his bnrb-r. who he 
 said, was an exceeding coxcoi ■• come 
 
 from Paris, who.^o absurd ;. n and 
 
 grimace, would easily pass upon her for the 
 spriglitly politesse of a gentleman improved 
 by travel. I hugged him for this hint; and 
 he lussured me it would l>e no difficult matter 
 to make him believe, that Melinda, having 
 seen him by accident, was captivated by his 
 appoaranco, and longed for his .io.iuaiiit.anee. 
 lie actually engaged him on this pretence, 
 
 and i>ainted his good fortune in such colours 
 that the poor shaver was quite beside himself 
 with joy. He was immediately fitted with a 
 tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, 
 and by him recommended to Chatter as a 
 very pretty fellow, just returned from his 
 travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentle- 
 man usher to a great many of tho fair sex in 
 and about town, undertook at once to bespeak 
 Melinda in his behalf ; and everything 
 happened according to my wish. 
 
 At the time appointo'l I appeared dressed 
 to tho best advantage ; and, in the character 
 of a ilarquis, had the honour of opening tho 
 ball witli the rich heiress, who attracted the 
 eyes of the whole company by tho prodigious 
 number of jewels witli which she was adorncl. 
 Among others I perceived Melinda. who could 
 no more conceal her cn^y than astonishment 
 at my success ; her curiosity was still more 
 flagrant and tormenting, for she had never 
 seen Miss Gripewell before ; and Chatter, 
 who alone could give her any satisfaction on 
 that head, was engaged in conversation at 
 the other end of tho room. I ob;^ci"\ ed her 
 impatience, and exulted in her cliagrin ; and 
 after my jnirtner was set, took the ojipor- 
 tunity of jKissing by her to make a slight 
 bow without stojiping. which c(»mpletcd my 
 triumph and her indignation. She changi-Il 
 colour, bridled up, assumed an air of disdain, 
 and flirted her fan witli such a fury, that it 
 went to pieces in a moment, to tho no small 
 cn'> "ut of those who sat near and 
 
 ob r. 
 
 At k iigtU thf ■ ! l)arbcr took 
 
 her out. :iiid :i .tli such ri<ii- 
 
 culous :;uice that tho mirth of tho 
 
 whole ' , ..V was oxcitol at his expense, 
 amd his j)artner Wii8 so much ashamed tli:it, 
 before the country dances began, she retired 
 in groat confusiim, under pretence of being 
 taken suddenly ill, and waa followo<l by her 
 gallant, who no donht imaarined her indisi)o- 
 sition was noth' and laid hold of 
 
 the occasion ol ..er homo, to mm- 
 
 fort her, with an ii.->unin<-e of his cut' 
 a reciproc:U pjission. They were ii- 
 gone than on inquisitive whisper of ' Who is 
 he r' ran round tho room ; and Chatter could 
 give them no other intelligence about him 
 than that ho was a man of fortune just re- 
 turned from his travels; I, who alone wa- 
 ac^i . ' : witii his real qunlitv, affect cil 
 ign ..ell knowinir that female curio-ily 
 
 would not rest : with such a general 
 
 acooimt. and ti .iisi-overy would jiro- 
 
 ceed with a better grace from anybody than 
 me. 
 
 Meanwhile, I was tempted by tho richness 
 of the prize to practise upon Miss Gripowoll's 
 heart, out soon found it too well fortifici 
 with pride and indifference to yield to any 
 efforts in my own character, and I neither 
 would nor could preserve the title I had 
 borrowed longer than that ni;rht. 
 
 As I expected, everything came to light 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 131 
 
 next day. Tho barber, in pure eimplicity of 
 heart, detected himself to Molinda, and dis- 
 covered tho foujidntion of his hopes ; she 
 sickened at tho affront, and was aslmnicd to 
 shove her face in public for many weeks after 
 this accident. Poor Chatter fouml it impos- 
 fiblo to justify himself to her satisfaction ; 
 was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, 
 lor having imposed mo upon her as a noble- 
 man ; and suffered very much in his character 
 and infltioiK'p amf)ng tho lajlics in general. 
 
 Findini^ my finnncos (limiiii.-=hed more than 
 one-half, and my project as little advanccil as 
 on th<' first day of niy;i!-rival in towTi. I botran 
 t'> despair of my melan- 
 
 choly at tho pri'-, . . -' want. 
 
 To dispel the horrors of this Hend I had re- 
 course to tho bottle, and k'^"t ni.,r.> .•..innrniy 
 than over. I became p;i ..'d 
 
 to tho jilayhou.se, convert.-' i .. ,,ii in.- ,!■ lora 
 behind the scones, grew acquainted with a 
 body of templars, and in a short time <'om- 
 monced a proffsarnl wit and critic. Indeed, 
 I may say, v. • 'nity, that I was much 
 
 hottf-r f;n;i!i' anv one <if niy com- 
 
 ] ■ '. of all 
 
 i ! ■ 10 most 
 
 i^fU'Tant and a-^-iniming. Hy means of these 
 avocations I p.)t tho better of care, and 
 loanied to •)<|i!irate my idea.s in stich a man- 
 ner that, whciiorer 1 was attacked by a 
 (gloomy rcHoctiuii, I could shove it a.side, and 
 •rail in some a;,'roi'ablo reverie to my a.'isist- 
 nnco. 'I'hi.-* wim not the c.oso witli Strap, 
 who : •al 
 
 tho ^ ,:.ld 
 
 V aim to tho rv^emblaueo ui a mc^o 
 
 While I thus posto<l. in a thoughtless man- 
 ner, toward-* povei-ty, I ono day receive<l, by 
 the penny \«>-<t, a letter written in a woman's 
 
 hanti. containing a ' * • high-Hown 
 
 comj)limoiit-«, warm -i of love, 
 
 couohed in a ve: a .siyi •, an earnest 
 
 desire of knowii: r or not mj* heart 
 
 wius oii;,':i,'i'd, bv loiiviiig an answer at a 
 certain place, directed to H. M., and the 
 
 wh..l.' 
 
 riliod ' Your 
 
 * I.' I was 
 traii-i'oit. 1 with joy on !• ^ ao contents 
 of this billet-doux, which 1 admired as a 
 masterpiece of tenderness and elegance, and 
 was alrea<ly up to my ears in lovo with tho 
 author, whom my imagination represented 
 as a lady of fortune, iu tho bloom of youth 
 and beauty. Klevated with this conjecture, 
 I wont to work, and exhausted my invention 
 in composing an answer suitable to the sub- 
 limity of her -tylo and the ardour of her 
 sentiments. I expresscii my admiration of 
 her wit in tenns the most hyperbolical, and 
 while I acknowloflgeil myself unworthy of 
 her regard, declared myself enamoured of her 
 understanding ; and in the most pathetic 
 manner implored the honour of an interview. 
 Having finished this performance, and com- 
 municated it to Strap, who skipped about for 
 joy, I dispatched him with it to tho place 
 
 appointed, which was the honse of a milliner 
 not far from Bond Street, and desired him to 
 keep watch near the door for some time, that 
 ho might discover the pei-son who should call 
 for it. In less than an hour he returned with 
 n joyful coimtonance, and told me that, soon 
 after ho had delivered tho letter, a chairman 
 was called, to whom it was given, with direc- 
 tions to carry it to tho house of a rich gentle- 
 man in thoncighbourhood, whither ho (Strap) 
 followed him, and saw him put itintotho hands 
 of a waiting- woman, who paid tho messenger, 
 and shut tho door ; that, upon iiuiuiry tit an 
 alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint 
 of beer, he u 1 tho gentleman to whom 
 
 the house bi- ii ad an only daughter, very 
 
 hand.some, who would inherit his whole estate: 
 and who certainly was tho autlior of tho billot 
 I hiul received, I was of tho samn opinion, 
 and, hugging myself m tho happy pros- 
 pect, dressed immediately, and pa-ssoil in gre.at 
 state tho house that containoil my unknown 
 admirer. Nor was my vanity disappointed ; 
 for I perceive<l a beautiful j'oung crcaturo 
 standing at one of tho windows of tho dining- 
 room, who, 1 imagined, observed me with 
 more than common curiosity. Tluit 1 mighfc 
 indulge her view, and at tho same time feast 
 my o\ni, I affected to fctop, and gave orders 
 to .Strap, in tho street, jist opposite to her 
 station, by which means 1 had an opportunity 
 of seeing her more distinctly, and of congratu- 
 lating i: ' II having made a concpiest of 
 BO muc! ion. In a few moments sho 
 
 retired, auil 1 l<otook myself to tho ordinary 
 in a njpturo of hope, which deprived mo of 
 my for that meal, and sent me homo 
 
 in 1 ;iig to indulge my contemplation. 
 
 Karly next day, I was favoured with an- 
 other epistle fi-om my unknown charmer, 
 signifying her unutterable joy at tho receipt 
 of mine, which, while it made a tender of my 
 heart, convinced her of the value of it. Above 
 all things, she professed her extreme jiloiLsuro 
 in finding me so much attached to hor under- 
 standing, a circumstance tliat not only flat- 
 tered her in tho most sonsiblo part, !«utat tho 
 same time argued my own sagsicity. As for 
 the interview I flesirod, sho iissur«<l me, that 
 I could not 1)6 more eager for such an occasion 
 than she ; but sho must not only sacrifico a 
 little more to decorum, but bo satisfied of my 
 honourable intentions, before sho could grant 
 that request. Meanwhile she gave mo to 
 rmderstanrl that, although sho might owe 
 some deference to the opinion of certain 
 ])0rsons, she was resolved, in an affair that 
 BO nearly concerned her happiness, to consult 
 her own inclination, prcforalile to the advice 
 of the whole world ; especially as she wa.<» 
 urged to such condescension by no considera- 
 tion of fortune, what fhe depended upon 
 being her own without restriction or control. 
 Struck with admiration at the philosophy 
 and self-denial of my mistres.s, wha seemed 
 insensible of the beauty sl.e possessed ; and 
 in particular ravisho I with that piece of inteU 
 
132 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ligence, by which I learned her fortune was 
 independent ; I resumed the pen, launched 
 out into encomiums on the dignity of her 
 sentiments, affected to undcrvahie the charms 
 of external beauty, pretended to ground my 
 passion on the qualities of her mind, com- 
 plained of her rigour in sacrificing my repose 
 to an overscrupulous regard to decorum, 
 and declared the purity of my designs in 
 the most solemn and pathetic vows. This 
 performance being sealed and directed, was 
 sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that 
 wo mis^ht be still the more confirmed in our 
 belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time 
 brought back the same information as before, 
 with this addition, that Miss Sparkle (the 
 name of my correspondent), looking out at 
 the window, no sooner saw the messenger 
 arrive, than she shut the casement in a sort 
 of beautiful confusion, and disappeared, eager 
 no doubt to hear from the dear object of her 
 love. 
 
 My doubts now vanished, the long-expected 
 port appeared, and I looked upon my.'^elf as 
 perfectly secure of that happiness I had been 
 in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered 
 in company witli Dr. Wagtail, to that part of 
 the town in which my inamorata lived ; and, 
 as ho was a mere register, inquired of him 
 into the name, character, and fortune of 
 everybody who jiossessed a good house in the 
 streets through which we pas.sed. \Mien it 
 came to his turn to mention Sir John Sjiurkle, 
 lie represented him us a man of an inimen.se 
 estate and narrow disposition, who mewed 
 up his only cliild, a tine young lady, from tlic 
 conversation of mankind, under the strict 
 watch and inspection of an old governante, 
 who was either so honest, envious, or insa- 
 tiable, that noViody luid been as yet able to 
 make her a friend, or get access to her charge, 
 though numbers attemi)tcd it every day ; not 
 so much on account of lier expectations from 
 her fatlicr. who, being a widower, might 
 marry again and have sons, as for a fi>rtune 
 of twelve thousand jionnds left her by an 
 uncle, of which she could not be deprived, 
 This piece of news, exactly tallying with the 
 last part of the letter I had been honoured 
 with in the morning, had such an effect on 
 me, that any man except Wagtail might have 
 observed my emotion ; but his attention was 
 too much engrossed by the contomplation of 
 his own importance to suffer him to be affected 
 with the deportment of any otlier body, unless 
 it happened to be so particular that ho could 
 not help taking notice of it. 
 
 '\\lien I had disengaged myself from him, 
 whose conver.sation grew insipid to me, I 
 went home, and made Strap acquainted with 
 tlie fruit of my researches. This faithful 
 squire was almost choked with transport, 
 and even wept with joy ; but whether on 
 account of himself or mc, I shall not pretend 
 to determine. A'ext day a third billet-doux 
 Avas brought to me, containing many expres- 
 sions of teuderaes8, mingled with some affect- 
 
 ing doubts about the artifice of man, the 
 inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often 
 attending the most sincere passion ; witlial 
 desiring I would excuse her, if she should try 
 me a little longer, before she declared herself 
 beyond the power of retracting. These inte- 
 resting scruples added fuel to my flame and 
 impatience to my hope ; I redoubled my com- 
 plaints of her indifference, and pressedher to 
 an assignation with such fervent entreaties, 
 that in a few days she consented to meet me 
 at the house of that milliner who had for- 
 warded all my letters. During the interval 
 between the date of her promise and the hour 
 of appointment, my jiride soared beyond all 
 reason and description ; I lost all remembrauco 
 of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts wei*o 
 wholly employed in planning triumphs over 
 the malice and contempt of the world. 
 
 At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to 
 the place of rendezvous, and was conducteil 
 into an apartment, where I had not waited 
 ten minutes, when I heard the rustling of 
 silk, and the sound of feet ascending the 
 stairs ; my lieart took the alarm, and beat 
 quick ; mj- cheeks glowed, my nerves thi-illed, 
 and my knees shook with ecstacy ! I per- 
 ceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade 
 petticoat advance, and sprang forward to em- 
 brace my charmer. Heaven and earth ! how 
 shall I paint my situation, when I found 
 Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled hag 
 turned of seventj- ! I waa struck dumb with 
 amazement, and petrified with horror ! Tliis 
 ancient Urganda perceived my disorder, and, 
 approaching with a languishing air, seized 
 my hand, asking in a squeaking tone, if I was 
 indispose<l. Her monstx'cns affectation com- 
 plete*! the disgust I had conceived for her at 
 her first apiioarance, and it was a long time 
 before I could command my.self so much as 
 to behave witli common civility : at length, 
 however, I recollected myself, and j)ronounced 
 an ajiology for my behaviour, which I saiil 
 l)roceede<l from a dizziness that seized mo all 
 of a sudden. My lioary Dulcinea, who, no 
 doubt, had been alarmed at my confusion, no 
 sooner learned tlio cause to which I now 
 Jiscribed it, than she discovered her joy in a 
 thousand amorous coquetries, and assumed 
 the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One 
 while she ogled me with her dim eyes, 
 quenched in rheum ; tlien, as if she was 
 ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look 
 down, blush, and play with her fan ; then 
 to.ss her hcarl that I might not perceive a 
 palsy that shook it, ask some childish ques- 
 tions with a lisping accent, giggle and grin 
 with her mouth shut to conceal the ravages 
 of time upon her teeth, leer upon me again, 
 sigh piteously, fling herself about in her 
 chair to show her agility, and act a great 
 many more absurdities that youth and beauty 
 can alone excuse. Shocked as I w;i3 at my 
 disappointment, ray disposition was incapa- 
 ble of affronting any person who loved me ; 
 I therefore endeavoured to put a good face 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 133 
 
 on the matter for the prosont, resolved to 
 drop the whole aflfair as soon as I should 
 got clear of her company ; with this view, I 
 uttered some civil things, and in particular 
 desired to know the name and condition of 
 the lady who had honoured me so much. She 
 told mo her name was Withers, that she lived 
 with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governess 
 to his only daughter, in which situation she 
 ha<l picked up a comfortable sufficiency to 
 make her easy for life ; that she had the plea- 
 sure of seeing me at church, where my ap- 
 pearance and deportment made such an im- 
 pression upon her heart, that she could enjoy 
 no ease until she had inquired into my cha- 
 racter, which slie found so amiable in all re- 
 spects, that she yielded to the violence of her 
 inclination, and ventured to declare her pas- 
 sion witli too little regard perhaps to the 
 decorum of her sex ; but she hoped I would 
 forgive a trespass of which I myself was in 
 some measure the cause, and impute her in- 
 trusion to the irresistible dictates of love. 
 No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with 
 more reluctance than I felt in making a reply 
 suitable to this compliment, when, instead of 
 the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in 
 my i)ower ; and yet my hopes began to revive 
 a little, when I considered, tliat, by carrying 
 on the appearance of an intrigue with" the 
 duenna, I might possibly obtain access to her 
 charge. Encouraged by this suggestion, my 
 temper grew more serene, ray reserve wore 
 off, I talked en cavalier, and even made love 
 to this antiquated coquette, who .leemed ex- 
 tremely hapjjy in her adorer, and spreail all 
 her allurements to make her imagined con- 
 quest more secure. Tlie good woman of the 
 house treated us with tea and swoetmeata, 
 and afterwards withdrew, like a civil oxperi- 
 enced matron as she was. 
 
 L<>ft thus to our mutual endearments. Miss 
 Withers (for she was still a maiden) began to 
 tjvlk of matrimony, and expressed so much 
 impatience in all her behaviour that, had she 
 been fifty years younger, I might possibly 
 have gratified her longing without having re- 
 course to the church ; but this step my virtue 
 as well as interest forbade. When the incli- 
 nations of an old maid settle upon a young 
 fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses ; 
 but, should ho once grant her the favour, he 
 will never bo able to disentangle himself 
 from her importimities and reproaches. It 
 was my business to defer the ceremony as 
 long as possible, under the most specious 
 pretences, with a view of becoming acquainted 
 with Miss Sparkle in the meantime; and I 
 did not despair of success, when I considered, 
 that, in tho course of our correspondence, I 
 should in all probability be invited to visit 
 my mistress in her own apartment, and by 
 these means have an opportunity of con- 
 versing with her charming ward. Pleased 
 with this prospect, my heart dilated with 
 joy; I talked in raptures to the state go- 
 vernante, and kissed her shrivelled hand 
 
 with great devotion. She was so much trans- 
 ported with her good fortune, that she 
 could not contain her ecstacy, but flow upon 
 me like a tigress, and pressed hor skinny 
 lips to mine ; when (as it was^o doubt con- 
 certed by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she 
 had swallowed that morning, to dispel wind, 
 I suppose, began to operate with such a 
 sudden explosion, that human nature, circum- 
 st.anced as I was, could not endure the shock 
 with any degree of temper. I lost all pa- 
 tience and reflection, flung away from her 
 in an instant, snatched my hat and cano, 
 and ran downstairs as if tho devil had me in 
 pursuit, and coiild scarce! j' retain tho convul- 
 sion of my bowels, which were grievously of- 
 fended by tho perfume that assaulted me. 
 Strap, who waited my return with impatience, 
 seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood 
 motionless with apprehension, and durst not 
 inquire into the cause. 
 
 After I had washed my mouth, more than 
 once, and recruited mv spirits with a glass of 
 wine, I recounted to him every jiarticular of 
 what had happened ; to which ho miulo no 
 other reply for some time than lifting uji his 
 eyes, claspinjr his hands, and uttering a hollow 
 groan. At length ho observed, in a melan- 
 choly tone, that it was a thousand pities my 
 organs were so delicate as to be offended with 
 the smell of garlic. ' Ah ! God help us,' s.aid 
 he, ' 'tis not the steams of garlic, no, nor of 
 something else, that would give me tho least 
 uneasiness — see what it is to bo a coblor'a 
 son ! ' I replied hastily, ' I wish then you 
 would go and retrieve my miscarriage.' At 
 this suggestion he started, forced a smile, 
 and left the room, shaking his head. Whether 
 tho old gentlewoman resented my al)rui)t de- 
 l)arture so much that her love changed into 
 disdain, or was ashan\od to see mo on account 
 of her infirmity, I know not ; but I was never 
 troubled again with her passion. 
 
 CHAPTER LI. 
 
 I cuUivate an Acquaintance tvilh two Noble- 
 men— am introduced to Earl Strut well— his 
 kind Promise and Invitation — the beha- 
 viour of his Porter and Lacquey — he re- 
 ceives me irith an Appearance of uncommon 
 Affection — Undertakes to sjieakin my BchalJ 
 to the Minister — informs me of his Success, 
 and wishes me Joy — introduces a Conver- 
 sntion about Petronis Arbiter— falls in Love 
 irith my Watch, v:hich I jiress upon him — I 
 make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord 
 Straddle — impart my good Fortune to Strap 
 and Banter, who disabuses me, to my fitter 
 Mortification. 
 
 BAFFLED hitherto in my matrimonial 
 schemes, I began to question my talents 
 for tho science of fortune-hunting, and to 
 bend my thoughts towards some employment 
 under the government. With the view of 
 procuring whichj I cultivated the acquaint- 
 
13't 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 ance of Lords Stracldlo and Swillpot, whose 
 fathers were men of interest at court. I 
 found these young noblemen as open to my 
 ailvanccs as I could desire ; I accompanied 
 them in their midnight rambles, and often 
 dined with them at taverns, where 1 had the 
 honour of paying the reckoning. 
 
 I one day took the opportunity, while I was 
 loaded with protestations of friendship, to 
 disclose my desire of being f=ettled in some 
 sinecure, and to solicit their influence in my 
 behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my hand, said, I 
 might depend upon his service by G — . Tho 
 other swore that no man would be more 
 proud than ho to run my errands. Encou- 
 raged by these declarations, I ventured to 
 express an inclination to be introduced to 
 their fathers, who wore able to do my business 
 at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not 
 spoken to his father these throe years ; and 
 Straddle assured mo, his father, having lately 
 disobliged the minister by subscribing his 
 name to a protest in the house of peers, was 
 thereby rendered incapable of serving his 
 friends at present ; but ho undfertook to mako 
 me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was 
 hand and glove with a certain person who 
 ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with 
 many acknowledgments, and plied him so 
 closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that 
 he found himself under a necosisity of keeping 
 his word, and actually carried me to tho leveo 
 of this great man, where ho left me in a 
 crowd of follow-dopcndonts, and was ushered 
 to a particular clo.sct audience ; from whence, 
 in a few minutes, he returned with his lord- 
 ship, who took mo by tho hand, assured mo 
 he would do me all the service ho could, and 
 desired to see me often. I was charmed with 
 my reception, and, although I hod heard that 
 a courtier's promise is not to be depended 
 upon, I thought I discovered so much sweet- 
 ness of temper and candour in this earl's 
 countenance, that I did not doubt of finding 
 my account in his protection. I resolved 
 therefore to profit by this permission, and 
 waited on him next audience day, when I was 
 favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of 
 the hand, and a whisper, signifying that lie 
 wanted half-un-hour's conversation with n!0 
 in private, when he should bo disengageil, 
 and for that purpose desired me to come and 
 drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow 
 morning. 
 
 This invitation, which did not alittle flatter 
 my vanity and expectation, I took care to ob- 
 serve, and Avent to his lordship's house at the 
 time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, 
 the porter unbolted and kept it half open, 
 placing himself in the gap, like soldiers 
 in the breach, to dispute my passage. I 
 asked if his lord was stirring? Ho answered 
 with a surly aspect, 'No.' 'At what hour 
 does he commonly rise ? ' said I. ' Some- 
 times sooner, sometimes later,' said he, closing 
 the door upon me by degrees. I then told 
 him, I was come by his lordship's own ap- 
 
 pointment, to which intimation this Cerberus 
 replied, ' I havo received no orders about the 
 matter,' and was upon tho point of .shutting 
 me out, when I recollected myself all of a 
 sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, 
 begged as a favour that he would inquire, and 
 let mo know whether or not the carl was up. 
 The grim janitor relented at tho touch of my 
 money, which he took with all theindiifercnco 
 of a tax-gatherer, and showed me into a par- 
 lour, where, he said, I might amuse myself 
 till such time as his lord should be awake. 
 I had not sat ten minutes in this jdace, when 
 a footman entered, and, without speaking, 
 started at mo ; I interpreted this piece of his 
 behaviour into, ' Pray, sir, what is your busi- 
 ness F ' and asked tho same question I had put 
 to the porter, when I accosted him first. The 
 lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared 
 before I could get any further intelligence. 
 In a little time he returned, on i)retonco of 
 poking the fire, and looked at me again with 
 great earnestness ; upon which I began to 
 perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with 
 half-a-orown, desired ho would be so pood aa 
 to fall npon some method of letting the earl 
 know that I was in the house. Ho made a 
 low bow, said, ' Yes, sir,' and vanished. This 
 boimty was not thrown away, for in an instant 
 he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, 
 whore I was received with great kindness 
 and famili.arity by his lordship, whom 1 found 
 just risen, in his morning-gown and nlijjpers. 
 After breakfa-st, ho enteretl into a particidar 
 conversation with me about my travels, the 
 remarks I had made abroad, and examined mo 
 to the full extent of my understanding. Sly 
 answers Eoemed to please him very much, he 
 frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking at 
 me with a singular complacency in his coun- 
 tenance, bade me depend upon his good offices 
 with the ministry in my behalf. ' '^oung men 
 of your qualifications,' said he, ' ought to bo 
 cherished by every administration. For my 
 ovm part, I see so little merit in the world, 
 that I have laid it down as a maxim, to en- 
 courage tho least appearance of genius and 
 virtue to the utmost of my power : you havo 
 a great deal of both ; and will not fail of 
 making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken ; 
 but you must lay your account with mount- 
 ing by gradual stops to the summit of jour 
 fortune. Rome iras not built in a thiy. As 
 j'ou understand the languages perfectly well, 
 how would you like to cross the sea as se- 
 cretary to an embassy .- ' I assured his lord- 
 ship, ■with great eagerness, that nothing could 
 be more agreeable to my inclination ; upon 
 which he bade me mako mj'solf easy, my busi- 
 ness was done, for he ha^l a place of that kind 
 in his view. This piece of generosity affected 
 me so much, that I was unable for some time 
 to express my gratitude, which at length broke 
 out in acknowledgments of my own unwor- 
 thiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. 
 I could not even help shedding tears at tho 
 goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner 
 
nODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 136 
 
 porccivod them than, ho caught me in his 
 arms, and hu{,'ged and kissed me with a seem- 
 ingly paternal affection. Confounded at this 
 uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, 
 I remained a few moments silent and ashamed ; 
 then rose and took my leave, after he liad as- 
 sured me that he would speak to the minister 
 in my favour that very day ; and desired that 
 I would not for the future give myself the 
 trouble of attending at hia levee, but. come 
 at the same hour every day, when he should 
 be at leisure, that is, three times a week. 
 
 Though my hopes were now very sanguine, 
 I determined to conceal my prospect from 
 everybody, even from Strap, until I should be 
 nioro certain of success : and in the meantime 
 give my patron no respite from my solici- 
 tations. Wien I renewed my visit, I found 
 the street-door opened to me as if bj' enchant- 
 ment ; but in my passage towards the pre- 
 sence-room, I was met by the valot-de-f hiunbre, 
 who cast .some furiou'j looks at mo, the mean- 
 ing of which I could not comprehend. The 
 curl saluted mo at entrance witn a tender em- 
 brace, and wished mo joy of his success with 
 the Premier, who, ho said, had prefenml his 
 recommendation to that of two other noble- 
 men very urgent in behalf of thoir respective 
 friends, and absolutely promised that I should 
 go to a certain foreign court in quality of 80- 
 crotary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary, 
 who was to set out in a few wcek.s on an affair 
 of viust imixntanco to the nation. I wa,"} 
 thunderstruck with my good fortune, an<l 
 could make no other reply than kneel and 
 attempt to kiss my Ijcnefactor's hand, which 
 submission he would not jiormit ; but, raising 
 mo up, pressed mo to his breast with surjiris- 
 ing emotion, and told mo ho had now taken 
 upon himself the care of making my fortune. 
 AV'liaK^iiIianced the value of the benefit still 
 the more, was his making light of the favour, 
 and shiftijig tho cunversutiou to another sub- 
 ject. 
 
 Among other topics of discourse, that of 
 tho Jivllcs Lcttrrs w;u5 introduced, upon which 
 Ilia lordship held forth with great taste and 
 erudition, and discovered an intimate know- 
 ledge of the authors of anti(iuity. 'Here's a 
 book,' said he, taking one from his bosom, 
 ' written with prreat elegance and spirit; and, 
 thougli the subject may give offence to some 
 narrow-minded people, tho autlior will always 
 be held in esteem by every person of wit and 
 learning.' So saying, ho put into my hand 
 Pctronius Arbiter, and luskcd my opinion of 
 his wit and manner. I told him, that, in my 
 opinion, ho wrote with great case and vivacity, 
 but was with.al so lewd and indecent that ho 
 ought to find no quarter or protection among 
 IKJoplo of morals and tjisto. ' I own,' replied 
 tho earl, ' that his taste in love is geuei-ally 
 decried, and indeed condemned by our laws ; 
 but perhaps that may be more owing to pre- 
 judice and misapprehension than to true rea- 
 son and deliberation. Tho best man among _ 
 
 tho ancients is said to have entertained that 
 passion ; one of the wisest of their legislators 
 has permitted tho indulgence of it in his com- 
 monwealth ; the most celebrated poets have 
 not scrupled to avow it. At this day it pro- 
 vails not only over all tho Eiist, but in most 
 parts of Europe ; in our own country, it gains 
 ground apace, and in all probability Avill bo- 
 come in a short time a more fashionable vice 
 than simple fornication. Indeed, there is 
 something to be said in \nndication of it ; for, 
 notwithstanding the severity of tlio law 
 against offenders in this way, it must be con- 
 fessed that the practice of this passion is un- 
 attended with that curse and burthen upon 
 society which proceeds from a race of miser- 
 able and deserted bastards, who aro either 
 murdered by their parents, deserted to the 
 utmost want and \\Tetchodness, or bred up to 
 proy upon tho commonwealth : and it like- 
 wise prevents tho debauchery of mau^' a 
 young maiden, and the prostitution of honest 
 men's wives ; not to mention tho consideration 
 of health, which is much less liable to bo im- 
 paired in tho gratification of this appetite 
 than in the exorcise of common vencry, which, 
 by ruining tho constitutions of our young 
 men, has produced a puny progeny that de- 
 generates from generation to generation, 
 Naj-, I have been told, that there is another 
 motive perhaps more powerful than all these, 
 that induces people to cultivate tlus inclina- 
 tion ; namely, tho exquisite pleasure attend- 
 ing its success.' 
 
 From this discourse, I began to bo appro- 
 hoiisivo that his lordship, finding I had tra- 
 velled, was afraid I might have been infected 
 with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, 
 and took this method of sounding my senti- 
 ments on tho subject. Fired at this supposed 
 suspicion, I argued against it with great 
 wurnith, as an appetite unnatural, absurd, and 
 of pernicious consofjucnco ; and declared my 
 litter detestation find abhorrence of it in those 
 lines of the satirist : — 
 
 Ktrmiil Inramr tho wrptoh ronfnund 
 
 Wlici pliiiitrd llr«t that vko mi Ilrltlsh Rroiind 1 
 A viic: flint spite of HpiiM iiuil nature reiv'tis. 
 And iM>i'i(jiis seiilul liivp, iiiitl miuihiMiil staliut. 
 
 The earl smiled at my indignation, told me 
 ho was glad to find my opinion of tho matter 
 so conformable to his own, and that what ho 
 hatl atlvanccd was only to provoke me to an 
 answer, with which ho professed himself per- 
 fectly well pleased. 
 
 After I had enjoyed a long audience, I hap- 
 pened to look at my watch, in order to regu- 
 late my motions by it ; and his lordship, ob- 
 serving the chased case, desired to see tho 
 device, and examine tho execution, which ho 
 approved with some expressions of atlmira- 
 tion. Considering tho ol)ligations I lay under 
 to his lordship, 1 thought there could not bo 
 a fitter opportunity than the present to mani- 
 fest, in some shape, my gratitude ; I t'herefore 
 begged he would do me the honour to accept 
 
13d 
 
 nODEPJCK RANDOM. 
 
 of tlio watch as a small testimony of the 
 sense I had of his lordship's generosity ; but 
 he refused it in a peremptory manner, and 
 said he was sorry I should entertain such a 
 mercenary opinion of him ; observing at the 
 same time, that it was the most beautiful 
 piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and 
 desiring to know where he could have such 
 another. I bogged a thousand pardons for the 
 freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would 
 impute to nothing else than the highest vene- 
 ration for his person — told him, that, as it 
 came to my hand by accident in France, I 
 could give him no information about the 
 maker, for there was no name on the inside ; 
 and once more humbly entreated that ho 
 ■would indulge mo so far as to use it for my 
 sake. He was still positive in refusing it ; 
 but was pleased to thank mo for my generous 
 offer, saying, it was a present that no noble- 
 man need be ashamed of receiving : though 
 he was resolved to show his disinterestedness 
 with regard to me, for whom he had conceived 
 a particular friendship ; and insisted (if I were 
 willing to part with the watch) upon knowing 
 what it had cost, that ho might at least in- 
 demnify me, by refunding the money. On 
 the other hand, I assured his lordship, that I 
 should look upon it as an uncommon mark of 
 distinction, if he would take it without fur- 
 ther question ; and, rather than disoblige me, 
 ho was at last persuaded to put it in his 
 pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who took 
 my leave immediately, after having received 
 a kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend 
 upon his promise. 
 
 Buoyed up with this reception, my heart 
 opened ; I gave away a guinea among the 
 lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew 
 to the lodgings of Lord Stratldle, upon whom 
 I forced mj' diamond ring as an acknowlclg- 
 ment for the great .soi-vice ho had done me, and 
 from thence hied mo home, with an intent of 
 sharing my hiipjiincss with honest Strap. I 
 determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, 
 by depressing his spirits at first, and tlicn 
 bringing in good news with double relish. 
 For this purpose, I affected the appearance 
 of disappointment and chagrin, and told him 
 in an abrupt manner that I had lost the 
 watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who ha<l 
 been already harassed into a consumption by 
 intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these 
 words, than, unable to contain himself, ho 
 cried, with distraction in his looks, " God in 
 heaven forbid !' I could carry on the farce 
 no longer ; but, laughing in his face, told him 
 everything that had i)assed, as above recited. 
 His features were immediately unbended, and 
 the transition was so affecting, that he wept 
 with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the 
 appellations of Jewel, Phoenix, Rara ovii^; and 
 praising God, that there was still some virtue 
 left among our nobility. Our mutual con- 
 grattilations being over, we gave way to our 
 imagination, and anticipated our happiness 
 
 by prosecuting our success through the dif- 
 ferent steps of promotion, till I arrived at the 
 rank of a prime minister, and ho to that of 
 my first secretary. 
 
 Intoxicated with these ideas, I wont to the 
 ordinary, where, meeting with Banter, I com- 
 municated the whole affair in confidence to 
 him, concluding with an assurance that I 
 would do him all the service in my power. 
 He heard me to an end with great patience, 
 then regarding me a good while with a look of 
 disdain, pronounced, ' So your business is done, 
 you think P ' 'As good as done, I believe,' 
 f aid I. ' I'll tell you,' replied he, ' what will 
 do it still more effectually — a halter! 'Sdeath ! 
 if I hiid been such a gull to two such scoun- 
 drels as Strutwell and Straddle, I would, with- 
 out any more ado, tuck myself up.' Shocked 
 at this exclamation, I desired him with some 
 confusion to explain himself; upon which he 
 gave me to understand that Straddle was a 
 poor contemptible wretch, who lived by bor- 
 rowing and pimping for his fellow-peers ; that 
 in consequence of this last capacitj-, he had 
 doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who 
 was so notorious for a passion for his own sex 
 that ho was amazed his character had never 
 reached my ears ; and that, far from being able 
 to obtain for me the post ho had promised, 
 his interest at court was so low, that he could 
 scarce i)rovide for a superannuated footman 
 once a year in the customs or excise ; that it 
 was a common thing for him to amuse stran- 
 gers, wliom his jackals ran down, with such 
 assurances and caresses as he had bestowed 
 on me, until ho had stripped them of their 
 cash, and everything valuable about them — 
 very often of their chastity, and then leave 
 them a prey to want and infamy ; that he al- 
 lowed his servants no other wages than that 
 l)art of the spoil Avhieh they coidd glAn l)y 
 their industrj' ; and the whole of his conduct 
 towards me was so glaring, that nobody who 
 knew anything of mankind could have been 
 imposed upon by his insinuations. 
 
 I leave the reader to judge how I relished 
 this piece of information, which precipitated 
 me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to 
 the lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh 
 determined mo to take Banter's advice and 
 finish my chagrin with a lialtcr. I had no 
 room to suspect the veracity of my friend, 
 because, upon recollection, I found every cir- 
 cumstance of Strutwell's behaviour exactly 
 tallying with the character he had described ; 
 his hugs, embraces, squeezes, and eager looks, 
 were now no longer a mystery ; no more than 
 his defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown 
 of his valet-de-chambrc, who, it seems, had 
 been the favourite pathic of his lord. 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 137 
 
 CHAPTER LII. 
 
 lalfempf to recover- my Watch and Jewel, hut 
 to no Purpose — resolve to revenge myself on 
 Strutwell hy my Importunity — am reduced 
 to my last Guinea — obliged to inform Strap 
 of my Necessity, u-lw is almost distracted 
 ■icith the Ne}cs — hut nevertheless obliged to 
 pau'n my best Sword for 2)resent Subsistoicc 
 — tluit small Supply being crhousted, I am 
 almost stupijied with my Misfortaiws — go 
 to the Gaming Table by the Advice of Ban- 
 ter, and come off with unexpected Success — 
 Strap's Ecstacy — Mrs. Gawky v;aits upon 
 me, professes Remorse for her Perfidy, and 
 implores my Assistance — I do myself a Piece 
 of Justice by /wr Means, and afterwards 
 reconcile lier to her Father. 
 
 I WAS so coufoundcJ that I coulil make no 
 reply to Banter, who roproacheil me with 
 great indignation for havinj,' thrown away 
 upon rascals that which, had it boon converted 
 into ready money, would have supported the 
 rank of a gentleman for some months, and 
 enabled me, at the same time, to oVdige my 
 friends. Stupified as I was, I could easily 
 divine the source of his concern, but sneaked 
 away in a solitary manner, without yielding 
 the least answer to his expostulations; and 
 began to deliberate ^vithin myself in what 
 manner I should attempt to retrieve the mov- 
 ables I had so foolishly lost. I should have 
 thought it no robbery to take them again by 
 force, could I have done it without anj' danger 
 of being detected ; but, as I could have no 
 such opportunity, I resolved to work by fi- 
 nesse, and go immediately to the lodgings of 
 Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find 
 him. ' My Lord,' said I, ' I have just now re- 
 collected, that the diamond I had the honour 
 of presenting to you is loosened a little in 
 the socket, and there is a young fellow just 
 arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best 
 jeweller in Europe; I knew him in France; 
 and, if your lordship -vvill give me leave, will 
 carry the ring to him to be set to riglits.' His 
 lordship was not to be caught in this snare ; 
 he thanked mo for my offer, and told mo, that, 
 having himself observed the defect, ho had 
 alreatly sent it to his own jeweller to bo 
 mended ; and, indeed, by this timo I believe 
 it wiis in the jeweller's hands, though not in 
 order to be mended, for it stood in need of 
 no alteration. 
 
 Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed 
 my simplicity ; but resolved to play a surer 
 game with the earl, which I thus devised. J 
 did not doubt of being admitted into familiar 
 conversation with him, as before, and hoped 
 by some means to get the watch into my hand ; 
 then, on pretence of winding or plaj-ing with 
 it, drop it on the floor, when, in all probabi- 
 lity, the fall would disorder the work so as to 
 stop its motion ; this event would furnish 
 me with an opportunity of insisting upon 
 carrying it away in order to be repaired, and 
 then I should be in no hurry to bring it back, 
 
 "VVTiat pity it was I could not find an occasion 
 of putting this tine scheme in execution ! 
 "NVlien I went to renew my visit to his lord- 
 ship, my access to the parlour was as free as 
 ever ; but after I had waited for some time, 
 the valet-de-chambre came in with his lord's 
 compliments, and a desire to see mo to-mor- 
 row at his levee, he being at present so much 
 indisposed that he could not ^ company. I 
 interpreted this message into a bad omen, 
 and came away muttering curses against his 
 lordship's politeness, and ready to go to log- 
 gerheads with myself for being so egregiously 
 Qupcd. But, that 1 might have some satis- 
 faction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged 
 him so closely at his levee, and persecuted 
 him with my solicitations ; not without faint 
 hopes, indeed, of reaping something more 
 from my industry than the bare pleasure of 
 making him uneasy; though I could never 
 obtain another private hearing during the 
 whole course of my attendance ; neither had 
 I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whoso 
 looks in a little timo were so whetted with 
 impatience, that whenever I came home, his 
 eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness 
 of attention. 
 
 At length, however, finding myself reduced 
 to my last guinea, I was compelled to disclose 
 my necessity, though I endeavoured to 
 sweoten tho discovery by rehearsing to him 
 the daily assurances I received from my 
 patron. But these promises were not of 
 elticacy sufficient to support tho spii-its of my 
 friend, who no sooner understood the lowness 
 of my finances, than, uttering a dreadful groan, 
 ho exclaimed, ' In tho name of God, what shall 
 we do 'f' In order to comfort him, I said, that 
 many of my acquaintances, who were in a 
 worse condition than we, supported, notwith- 
 standing, tho character of gentlemen; and 
 advising him to thank God that as yet wo had 
 incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn 
 my sword of steel, inlaid with gold, and trust 
 to my discretion for the rest. This expedient 
 was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, 
 in spite of his invincible affection for me, still 
 retained notions of economy and expense suit- 
 able to the narrowness of his education ; 
 nevertheless he complied with my request, 
 and raised seven pieces on the sword in a 
 twinkling. This supply, inconsiderable as it 
 was, made mo as happy for the present, as if 
 I liad kept five hundred pounds in bank ; for 
 by this time I was so well skilled in procras- 
 tinating every troublesome reflection, that 
 the prospect of want seldom affected me very 
 muclx, let it bo ever so near. And now in- 
 deed it was nearer than I imagined. My 
 landlord, having occasion for money, put mo in 
 mind of my being indebted to him five guineas 
 in lodging ; and, telling mo he had a sum to 
 make up, begged I would excuse his importu- 
 nity, and discharge the debt. Though I could 
 ill spare so much cash, my pride took tho 
 resolution of disbursing it. This I did in a 
 cavalier manner, after he had written a dig- 
 
If^S 
 
 RODERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 charge, telling him with an air of scorn and 
 resentment, I saw he was resolved that I 
 should not bo long in his books ; wliile Strap, 
 who stood by, and knew my circumstances, 
 wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his nether 
 lip, and turned yellow with despair. What- 
 ever appearance of indifference my vanity 
 enabled mo tj^.put on, I was thunderstruck 
 with this demand, which I had no sooner 
 satisfied, than I hastened into company, with 
 a view of beguiling my cares with conversa- 
 tion, or drowning them with wine. 
 
 After dinner, a party was accordingly made 
 in the coffee-house, from whence we ad- 
 journed to the tavern, where, instead of 
 sharing the mirth of the companj", I was as 
 much chagrined at their good humour as a 
 damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of 
 heaven. In vain did I swallow bumper after 
 bumper! the wine had lost its effect upon 
 me, and, far from raising my dejected spirits, 
 could not oven lay me asleep. Banter, who 
 was the only ijitimate I had (Strap excepted), 
 perceived my anxiety, and, when wo broke 
 up, reproached mo with pusillanimity^ for 
 being cast down at any disappointment that 
 such a rascal as Strutwell could be the occa- 
 sion of. I told him I did not at all see how 
 Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my mis- 
 fortune; and gave him to understand that 
 my present grief did not so much proceed 
 from that disappointment, as from the low 
 ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to some- 
 thing less than two guineas. At this decla- 
 ration, ho cried, ' Psha 1 is that all r' and 
 assured me, there wore a thousand ways of 
 living in town without a fortune, he liimsclf 
 having subsisted many years entirely by liia 
 wit. I expressed an eager desire of l)cing 
 acquainted with some of these methods, and 
 he, without further expostulation, bade mo 
 follow him. He conducted me to a house 
 under the piazzas in Covent Garden, whi(!h 
 we entered, and having delivered our swords 
 to a grim follow who demanded them at the 
 foot of the staircase, ascended to the second 
 story, whore I saw multitudes of people 
 standing round two gaming-tables, loaded, in 
 a manner, with gold and silver. My con- 
 ductor told mo this was the house of a 
 worthy Scotch lord, who, using tho privilege 
 of his peerage, had sot up public gaming- 
 tables, from the profits of which he drew a 
 
 ; comfortable livelihood. Ho then explained 
 tho difference between the sillers and tho 
 
 I hetlors; characterised the first as old rooks, 
 and the last as bubbles; and advised mo to ti-y 
 my fortune at the silver table, by betting a 
 crown at a time. Before I would venture any- 
 thing, I considered the company more pai-;i- 
 cularly, and there appeared such a gi'oup of 
 villanous faces, that I was struck with horror 
 and astonishment at the sight ! I signified my 
 surprise to JUnter, who whispered iu my ear, 
 that tho bulk of those present were sharpers, 
 highwaymen, and apprentices, who, having 
 embezzled their master's cash, made a despe- 
 
 rate push in this place to make up their defi- 
 ciencies. This account did not cncoui-age mo 
 to hazard any part of my small pittance : but, 
 at length, being teased by the importunities 
 of my friend, who assured me there was no 
 danger of being ill-used, because people 
 were hired by the owner to see justice done 
 to everybody, I liogan by risking one shilling, 
 and, in less than an honr, my wiunin<» 
 amounted to thirty. Convinced by this time 
 of the fairness of the game, and animated 
 with success, there was no need of further 
 persuasion to continue the play : I lent Banter 
 (who seldom had any money in liis pocket) a 
 guinea, which he carried to the gold table, 
 and lost in a moment. Ho would have bor- 
 rowed another, but finding me deaf to his 
 arguments, went away in a pet. Meanwhile 
 my gain advanced to six pieces, and my 
 desire of more increased in proportion : so 
 that I moved to tho higher table, whore I laid 
 half-a-guinca on every throw, and fortune 
 still favouring me, I became a sitter, in 
 which capacity I remained until it was broatl 
 day ; when I found myself, after many vicis- 
 situdes, one hundred and fifty guineas in 
 pocket. 
 
 Thinking it now high time to retire with 
 my booty, I a.sked if anybody would take my 
 place, and made a notion to rise ; upon which 
 an old Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and 
 of whom I had won a little money, started up 
 with fury in his looks, crying, ' Rcstcz,fo>tfrc, 
 rcstci! it f ant doiuicr vwi inon rai'nnchio I ' 
 At the same time, a Jew, who sat near the 
 other, insinuated that I was more beholden 
 to art than fortime for what I had got ; that 
 lie had observed mo wijio the table very often, 
 and that some of the divisions appeared to 
 bo greasy. This intimation produced a great 
 deal of clamour nguiust mo, especially among 
 tho losers, who thro.itoned with manj' oaths 
 and imprecations, to take me uj) by a warrant 
 as a sharper, unless I would compromise tho 
 affair by refunding tho greatest part of my 
 winning. Tliough I was far from being ea.sy 
 under this accusation, I relied upon my iimo- 
 cence, threatened in my tnm to prosecute tho 
 Jew for defamation, and boldly offered to 
 submit my cause to the examination of any 
 justice in Westminster ; but they knew them- 
 selves too well to put their characters on 
 that issue, and finding that I was not to bo 
 intimidated into any concession, dropped 
 their ]ilea, and made way for mo to v.'ithdraw. 
 I would not, however, stir from the table until 
 tho Israelite had retracted what he had said 
 to m3' disadvantage, and asked pardon before 
 the whole assembly. 
 As I marohed out with my prize, I hap- 
 
 f>ened to tread on tho toes of a tall raw-boned 
 ellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black 
 thick eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same 
 colour, and a formidable h.at pulled over his 
 forehead, who stood gnawing his finders in 
 the crowd, and no sooner felt tho application 
 of my shoo heel, than he roared out in a tre- 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 130 
 
 mendous voice, ' Blood and wounds ! you son 
 of a whoro, what's that for ? ' I asked pardon 
 ■with a great deal of submission, and pro- 
 tested I had no intention of hurting him ; 
 but the more I humbled myself the more ho 
 stormed, and insisted on gentlemanly satis- 
 faction, at the same time provoking mo with 
 .•scandalous names that I could not put up 
 with ; so that I gave loose to my passion, 
 returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him 
 down to the piazzas. His indignation cooling 
 us mine warmed, he refused ray invitation, 
 saying he would choose his own time, and 
 returned towards the table muttering threats, 
 which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard ; 
 but, descending with great deliberation, re- 
 ceived my sword from the door-keeper, whom 
 I gratified with a guinea, according to tho 
 custom of tho place, and went home in a. 
 rapture of joy. 
 
 My faithful valet, who had sot up all night 
 in the utmost uneiiainess on my account, let 
 me in with his face beslubbered with tears, 
 :iud followed mo to my chamber, where ho 
 .^tood silent like a condemned crimimd, in ex- 
 jicctation of hejiring that every shilling was 
 spent. I guessed tho situation of his thoughts, 
 and, iissnming a sullen look, ba<lo him fetch 
 me some water to wash. l£o replied, without 
 lifting his eyes from tho ground, ' In my sim- 
 ple conjecture, you have moro occasion for 
 rest, not having (I suppose) slept these four- 
 and-twenty-hours.' ' Bring mo some water !' 
 said I, in a peremptory tone ; upon which ho 
 sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Be^ 
 fore ho returned, 1 hiul spread my wholo 
 stork on the table in the most ostentatious 
 nianuer; so that, when it first saluted his 
 vie\y, ho stood like one entranced ; and, 
 having rubbed his eyes moro than once, to 
 juHsuro himself of his being awake, broke out 
 into, ' Lord havo mcrcj' upon us, what a vaat 
 treasure is hero ! ' ' "lis all our own. Strap, 
 said I ; ' take what is necessary, and redeem 
 tho sword immediately.' He advanced to- 
 wards the table, stopped short by tho way, 
 looked at the money and me by turns, and 
 with a wildness in his countenance, produced 
 from joy checked by distrust, cried, ' I daro 
 say it is honestly come by.' To remove his 
 scruples, I made him acquaijitcd with tho 
 whole story of my success, which, when ho 
 heard, he danced about the room in an 
 ecstacy, crying, ' God bo praised !— a white 
 ^louc !— God bo praised I — a white stone ! ' So 
 that I was afraid tho change of fortune had 
 disordered his intellects, and that he was 
 run mad with joy. Extremely concerned 
 at this event, I attempted to reason him 
 out of hi? frenzy, but to no purpose ; for 
 without regarding what I said, ho continued 
 to frisk up and down, and repeat his rhajisodv, 
 of ' God be praised !— a white stone ! ' At 
 last, I rose in tho utmost consternation, and, 
 laying violent h;«uds upon him, put a stop to 
 his extravagance by fixing him down to a 
 Bctteo that was in tho room. This constraioit 
 
 banished his delirium ; ho started as if just 
 awoko, and terrified at my behaviour, cried, 
 ' What is tho matter !' AVhcn he learned tho 
 cause of my apprehension, he was ashamed 
 of his transports, and told me, that in men- 
 tioning tho white stone, he alluded to tho Dies 
 J'asii of the Romans, alba lapide notati. 
 
 Having no inclination to sleep, I secured 
 my cash, dressed, and was just going abroad, 
 when tho servant of tho house told mc, thcro 
 wa:3 a gentlewoman at tho door who wanted 
 to speak with mo. Surprised at this infor- 
 mation, I made Sti-ap show her up, and in 
 less than a minute, saw a young woman of a 
 shabby decayed appearance enter my room. 
 After half-a-dozen cui-tsics, she began to sob, 
 and told mo her name was Gawky ; upon 
 which information I immediately recollected 
 tho features of Miss Lavement, who had been 
 tho first occasion of my misfortunes. "Though 
 I had all the reason in tho world to resent her 
 treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at 
 hor distress, and professing my sorrow at 
 seeing her so reduced, desired her to sit, and 
 iiKiuired into the particulars of her situation. 
 She fell upon her knees and implored my for- 
 giveness for tho injuries she had dono mo, 
 protcdtuig before God, that sho was forced, 
 against Jicr inclination, into that hellish con- 
 spiracy which had almost deprived mo of my 
 life, by the entreaties of her husband, who, 
 having been afterwards renounced by his 
 father on account of his marriage with her, 
 and unablo to support a family on his pay, 
 left his wife at her fathers house, and went 
 with the regiment to Germany, where he was 
 broke for misbehaviour at tho battle of Det- 
 tingon ; sineo which time sho had heard no 
 tidings of him. She then gave me to under- 
 stand, with many symptoms of penitence, 
 that it vfiia her misfortune to bear a child 
 four months after marriage, by which event 
 her parents were so incensed, that sho was 
 turned out of doors with the infant, that died 
 soon after: and had hitherto subsisted in a 
 miscrablo indigent manner, on tho extorted 
 charity of a fow friends, who were now quito 
 tired of giving; that, not knowing where or 
 how to support herself ono day longer, sho 
 had fled for succour even to mo, who, of all 
 mankind, had the least cause to assist her, 
 relying upon the generosity of my disposition, 
 which, sho hoped, would bo pleased with this 
 opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest 
 manner on tho wretch who had wronged me. 
 I was very much affected with her discourse, 
 and, having no cause to suspect tho sincerity 
 of her repentance, raised hor up, freely par- 
 doned all she had dono against mo, and pro- 
 mised to befriend her as much as lay in my 
 1 lower. 
 
 .Since my last arrival in London, I had 
 made no advances to the apothecary, imagin- 
 ing it woidd bo impossible for mo to mako 
 my innocence appear, so unhappily was my 
 accusation circumstanced : Strap indeed had 
 laboured to jupstify mo to the bchoolmastor ; 
 
140 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 but, far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. 
 Concordance dropped all correspondence with 
 him, because he refused to quit his connec- 
 tion with me. Things being in this situation, 
 I thoiight a fairer opportunity of vindicat- 
 ing my character could not offer than that 
 which now presented itself ; I therefore 
 stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, that, before I 
 would yield her the least assistance, she 
 should do me the justice to clear my reputa- 
 tion, by explaining upon oath before a magis- 
 trate the whole of the conspiracy, as it had 
 been executed against me. "When she had 
 given me this satisfaction, I presented her 
 with five guineas, a sum so much above her 
 expectation, that she could scarce believe the 
 evidence of her senses, and was ready to 
 worship me for my benevolence. The decla- 
 ration, signed with her own hand, I sent to 
 her father, who, upon recollecting and com- 
 paring the circumstances of my charge, was 
 convinced of my integrity, and waited on 
 me next day, in company Avith his friend the 
 schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated 
 my vindication. After mutual salutation, 
 Monsieur Lavement began a long apology 
 for the unjust treatment I had received ; but 
 I saved him a good deal of breath, by inter- 
 rupting his harangue, and assuring him that, 
 far from entertaining a resentment against 
 him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, 
 which allowed me to escape, after such strong 
 presumptions of guilt appeared against me. 
 Mr. Concordance, thinking it now his turn 
 to speak, observed that Mr. Random had too 
 much candour and sagacity to be disobliged 
 at their conduct, which, all things considered, 
 could not have been otherwise, with any 
 honesty of intention. 'Indeed,' said he, 'if 
 the plot had been unravelled to us by any 
 supernatural intelligence ; if it had been 
 whispered by a genio, communicated by a 
 dream, or revealed by an angel from on high, 
 we should have been to blame in crediting 
 ocular demonstration j but as we were left 
 in the mist of mortalitj', it cannot be ex- 
 pected we should be incapable of imposition. 
 I do assure you, Mr. Random, no man on 
 earth is more pleased than I am at this 
 triumph of your character : and, as the news 
 of your misfortune panged me to the very en- 
 trails, this manifestation of your innocence 
 makes my midriff quiver "with j oy. ' I thanked 
 him for this concern, desired them to undeceive 
 those of their acquaintance who judged 
 harshly of me, and, having treated them with 
 a glass of Avine, represented to Lavement the 
 deplorable condition of his daughter, and 
 pleaded her cause so effectuallj', that ho con- 
 sented to settle a small annuity on her for 
 life : but could not be persuaded to take her 
 home, because her mother was so much 
 incensed, that she would never see her. 
 
 CHAPTER LlII. 
 
 I purchase new Clothes — rex)rimand Struhvell 
 and Straddle — Banter 'proi^oses another ma- 
 trimonial Scheme — I accept of his Terms — 
 set out for Bath in a Stage-coach with the 
 young Lady and her Mother — the Behaviour 
 of an Officer _ and Lawyer — our fellow Tra- 
 vellers described — n. smart dialogue bettueen 
 my Mistress and the Captain. 
 
 HAVING finished this affair to my satis- 
 faction, I found myself perfectly at 
 ease ; and, looking upon the gambling- table 
 as a certain resource for a gentleman in 
 want, became more gay than ever. Although 
 my clothes were almost as good as new, I 
 grew ashamed of wearing them, because I 
 thought everybody by this time had got an 
 inventory of my wardrobe. For which rea- 
 son I disposed of a good part of my apparel to 
 a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the 
 value, and bought two new suits with the 
 money. I likewise purchased a plain gold 
 watch, despairing of recovering that which I 
 had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, 
 notwithstanding. I still continued to visit at his 
 levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned 
 set out with a secretary of his own choosing. 
 I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate 
 with his lordship, whom I treated with great 
 freedom in a, letter, for amusing me with vain 
 hopes, when he neither had the power nor 
 inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less 
 reserved with Straddle, whom I in person re- 
 proached for misrepresenting to me the cha- 
 racter of Strutwell, which I did not scruple 
 to aver was infamous in every respect. He 
 seemed very much enraged at my freedom, 
 talked a great deal about his quality and 
 honour, and began to make some comparisons 
 which I thought so injurious to mine, that I 
 demanded an explanation with gi-eat warmth, 
 and he was mean enough to equivocate, and 
 condescend in such a manner that I left 
 him with a hearty contempt of his behaviour. 
 About this time. Banter, who had observed 
 a surprising and sudden alteration in my ap- 
 pearance and disposition, began to inquire 
 very minutely into the cause ; and, as I did 
 not think fit to let him know the true state of 
 the affair, lest ho might make free with my 
 purse, on the strength of having proposed 
 the schemra that filled it, I told him that I 
 had received a small supply from a relation 
 in the country, who at the same time had 
 promised to use all his interest (which was 
 not small) in soliciting some post for me that 
 should make me easy for life. ' If that bo 
 the case,' said Banter, 'perhaps you won't 
 care to mortify yourself a little in making 
 your fortune another way. I have a relation 
 who is to set out for Bath next week, with 
 an only daughter, who being sickly and de- 
 crepit, intends to drink the waters for the 
 recovery of her health. Her father, who was 
 a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year 
 ago, and left her, with a fortune of twenty 
 
nODEBICIi BiJVDOlf. 
 
 141 
 
 tiiou.-and pounds, under the sole management 
 of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I 
 would have put in for the plate myself, but 
 there is a breach at present between the old 
 woman and me. You must know, that some 
 time ago I borrowed a small sum of her,' and 
 promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain 
 time ; but being disappointed in my expecta- 
 tion of money from the country, the day 
 elapsed without my being able to take up my 
 note ; upon which she wrote a peremptory 
 letter, threatening to arrest me, if I did not 
 pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this 
 precise behaviour, I sent a d — d severe an- 
 swer, which enraged her so much that she 
 actuallj' took out a v/rit against mo. Where- 
 upon, finding ;he thing grow serious, I got a 
 friend to advance tho money for me, dis- 
 charged the debt, went to her house, and 
 abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She 
 was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded 
 in her turn. The little deformed urchin 
 joined her mother with such virulence and 
 volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make 
 a retreat, after having been honoured with a 
 great many scandalous epithets, which gave 
 me plainly to understand that I had nothing 
 to hope from the esteem of the one, or 
 the affection of the other. As they are both 
 utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one 
 that the girl will be picked up by some 
 scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't provide 
 for her otherwise. You are a well-looking 
 fellow, Eandom, and can behave as demurely 
 as a quaker. Now, if you will give me an 
 obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid 
 six months after your marriage, I will put you 
 in a method of carrying her in spite of all 
 opposition.' 
 
 This proposal was too advantageous for me 
 to be refused. The writing Avas immediately 
 drawn up and executed ; and Banter, giving 
 me notice of the time when, and tho stage 
 coach in which thej' were to set out, I bespoke 
 a place in the same convenience ; and, having 
 hired a horse for Strap, who was charmed 
 with the prospect, set forward accordingly. 
 
 As we embarked before day, I had not tho 
 pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper 
 (that was the name of my mistress), nor even 
 of perceiving the number and sex of my fel- 
 low travellers, although I guessed that the 
 coach was full, by the difficulty I found in 
 seating myself. The first five minutes passed 
 in a general silence, when, all of a sudden, 
 the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous 
 voice pronounced, ' To the right and left, 
 cover your flanks, d — me ! whiz ! ' I easily 
 discovered by tho tone and matter of this ex- 
 clamation that it was uttered by a son of 
 Mars ; neither was it hard to conceive the 
 profession of another person who sat opposite 
 to me, and observed that, we ought to have 
 been well satisfied of the security before wo 
 entered ixpon the premises. These two sallies 
 had not the desired efiect. We continued a 
 good while as mute as before, till at length 
 
 the gentleman of the sword, impatient of 
 longer silence, made a second effort, by swear- 
 ing he had got into a meeting of quakers. ' I 
 believe so too,' said a shrill female voice at 
 my left hand, ' for the spirit of folly begins to 
 move.' ' Out with it then, madam P' replied 
 the soldier. ' You seem to have no occasion 
 for a midwife,' cried the lady. ' D — mn my 
 blood !' exclaimed the other, ' a man can't talk 
 to a woman, bi\t she immediately thinks of a 
 midwife.' ' True sir,' said she ' I long to bo 
 delivered.' ' What of— a mouse, madam ?' 
 said he. ' No, sir,' said she, ' of a fool.' ' Aro 
 you far gone with a fool P' said he. ' Little 
 more than two miles,' said she. 'By Gad, 
 you're a wit, madam,' cried the officer. ' I 
 wish I could with any justice return the com- 
 pliment,' said the lady. ' Zounds, I have 
 done,' said ho. ' Your bolt is soon shot, ac- 
 cording to the old proverb,' said she. The 
 warrior's powder was quite spent ; the lawyer 
 advised him to drop the prosecution, and a 
 grave matron, who sat on the left hand of tho 
 victorious wit, told her she must not let her 
 tongue run so fast among strangers. This 
 reprimand, softened with the ajipellation of 
 child, convinced me that the satirical lady 
 was no other than Miss Snapper, and I re- 
 solved to regulate my conduct accordinglj-. 
 The champion, finding himself so smartly 
 handled, changed his battery, and began to 
 expatiate on his own exploits. ' You talk of 
 shot, madam,' said he ; ' d — me ! I have I Ouh 
 given and received some shot in my time — I 
 was wounded in the shouliler by a pistol ball 
 at Dettingen, where — I say nothing — but by 
 G — d ! if it had not been for me — all's one for 
 that — I despise boasting, d — me ! whiz !' So 
 sajdng, he whistled one part, and hummed an- 
 other, of the Black Joke ; then, addressing him- 
 self to the lawyer, went on thus ; ' Wouldn't 
 you think it d — d hard, after having, at tho 
 risk of your life, recovered the standard of a 
 regiment that had been lost, to receive no pre- 
 ferment for your pains P I don't choose to 
 name no names, sink me ! but, howsome- 
 ever, this I will refer, by G — d ! and that is 
 this — a musketeer of the French guards, 
 having taken a standard from a certain comet 
 of a certain regiment, d — o ! was retreating 
 with his prize as fast as his horse's heels could 
 carry him, sink me ! Upon which, I snatched 
 up a firelock that belonged to a dead man, 
 d — me ! whiz ! and shot his horse under him, 
 d — n my blood ! The fellow got upon his feet, 
 and began to repose me, upon which I charged 
 my bayonet breast high, and ran him through 
 tho body by G— d ! One of his comrades, 
 coming to his assistance, shot me in the 
 shoulder, as I told you before ; and another 
 gave me a contusion on the head with the 
 butt-end of his carbine ; but, d — me, that did 
 not signify. I killed one, put the other to 
 flight, and taking up the standard, carried it 
 off very deliberately. But the best joke of all 
 was the son of a b — ch of a cornet, who had 
 surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing 
 
1^ 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM 
 
 it in my possession, demanded it from me in 
 the front of the line. ' D — u my blood !' says 
 he, ' where did you find my standard r' says 
 he. ' D — n my blood !' said I, ' where,' said I, 
 ' did you loso it r' said I. ' That's nothing to 
 you,' says he, ' 'tis my standard,' saj-s he, ' and 
 by G — d I'll have it,' says he. ' D — nation 
 seize me,' says I, ' if you shall,' says I, ' till I 
 have first delivered it to the general,' says I; and 
 accordingly I went to the head-quarters after 
 the battle, and delivered it to my Lord Stair, 
 who promised to do for me ; but I am no more 
 than a poor lieutenant stiU, d — n my blood.' 
 
 Having vented this repetition of expletives, 
 the lawyer owned he had not been requited 
 according to his deserts; observed that the 
 labourer is always worthy of his hire, and 
 asked if the jjromise was made before wit- 
 nesses, because in that case the law would 
 compel the general to perform it ; but, vmder- 
 standing that the promise was made over a 
 bottle, without being restricted to time or 
 terms, he pronounced it not valid in law, 
 proceeded to inquire into the particulars of 
 the battle, and affirmed that, although the 
 English had drawn themselves into a pro- 
 munirc at first, the French managed their 
 cause so lamely in the coiurso of the dispute, 
 that they would have been utterly nonsuited, 
 had they not obtained a tioUi prosequi. In 
 spite of these enlivenuig touches, the conver- 
 sation was like to suffer another long inter- 
 ruption, when the lieutenjint, unwilling to 
 conceal any of his accomplishments that 
 could be displayed in his present situation, 
 oflForcd to regale the companj' with a song ; 
 and, interpreting our silence into a desire of 
 hearing, began to warble a fashionable air 
 the first stanza of wliich he pronounced thus • 
 
 ' Would yiju ta«k the mnoii-tiile hair. 
 To you ila^'iant beau repair . 
 AVlitre waving with the poplin vow, 
 The bantling line will shelter you,' .Jtc. « 
 
 The sense of the rest he perverted as he went 
 on with such surprising facility that I coidd 
 not help thinking he had been at some pains 
 to burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper 
 ascribed it to the true cause, namely igno- 
 rance ; and, when ho asked her how she re- 
 lished his music, answered that, in her opinion, 
 the music and the words were much of a piece. 
 ' Oh, d — n my blood I' said ho, ' I take that as 
 a high compliment ; for everybody allows the 
 Avords are d — able fine.' ' They may be so,' 
 replied the lady, ' for aught I know, but they 
 are above my comprehension.' ' I an't 
 obliged to find you comprehension, madam, 
 cur§e mo !' cried he. ' No, nor to speak sense 
 neither,' said she. ' D — n my heart,' said he, 
 * I'll speak what I please.' Here the lawyer 
 interposed, by telling him, tliere were some 
 things he must not speak ; and upon being 
 defied to give an instance, mentioned treason 
 and defamation. ' As for the king,' cried the 
 soldier, ' God bless him — I eat his bread, and 
 have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have 
 nothing to say to him — but, by G — d, I dare 
 
 say anything to any other man.' ' No,' said 
 the lawyer, 'you dare not call me rogue.' 
 'D— me, for what?' said the other. 'Be- 
 cause,' replied the counsellor, ' I should have 
 a good action against you, and recover,' 
 ' Well, well,' cried the officer, ' if I dare not 
 caU you rogue, I dare think you one, d— me !' 
 This stroke of wit he accompanied with a 
 loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily 
 did not affect the audience, but effectually 
 silenced his antagonist, who did not open 
 his mouth for the space of an hour, except to 
 clear his pipe with three hems, which, how- 
 ever, produced nothing. 
 
 CHAPTER LIV. 
 
 Day hrealcing, Iliave the Pleasure of viewinri 
 the Person of Miss Snapper, v:hom I had 
 not seen before — the Soldier is nitty upon 
 me — isoffended — talks muchof his Valoitr — is 
 reprimanded by a grave Gcntlcivoman — we 
 are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen — I 
 get out of the Coach, and stand in my ov:n 
 defence — they ride off toithout having at- 
 tacked vs — I pursue them — ono of them is 
 thrown from his Horse and taken — I return 
 to the Coach — am complimented by Miss 
 »S)iaj)j)C)" — the Captain's Behaviour on this 
 Occasion — the Prude reproaches me in a 
 Soliloquy — I upbraid her in the same Man- 
 ner — the ISeliaviour of Mrs. Snapip)er, at 
 Breakfast, disobliges mo — the Lawyer is 
 witty upon tlie Officer, who threatens him. 
 
 IN the meantime, the day breaking in upon 
 us, discovered to one another the faces of 
 their fellow travellers: and I had the good 
 fortune to find my mistress not quite so de- 
 formed nor disagreeable as she had been re- 
 presented to me. Her head, indeed, bore 
 some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being 
 rcpi-csentcd by her face ; but she had a cer- 
 taiji delicacy in her complexion, and a great 
 deal of vivacity in her eyes, which were very 
 large and black; and, though the protuber- 
 ance of her breast, when considered alone, 
 seemed to drag her forwards, it was e.asy 
 to perceive an equivalent on her back which 
 balanced the other, and kept her body in 
 equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should 
 have great reason to congi'atulate mj'self, if 
 it should be my fate to possess twenty thou- 
 sand pounds encumbered with such a wife. 
 I began therefore to deliberate about the 
 most probable means of acquiring tlie con- 
 quest, and Avas so much engrossed by this 
 idea, that I scarce took any notice of the 
 rest of the people in the coach, but revolved 
 my project in silence ; while the conversa- 
 tion was maintained as before by the object 
 of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the bar- 
 rister, who by this time recollected himself, 
 and talked in terms as much as ever. At 
 length a dispute happened, which ended in a 
 wager, to be determined Ijy me, who was so 
 much absorbed in contemplation, that I 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 143 
 
 neither heard the reference nor the question 
 which was put to mo by each in his turn. 
 Aifronted at ray supposed contempt, the sol- 
 dier with great vociferation swore I was 
 either dumb or deaf, if not both, and that I 
 looked as if I could not say Bo to a goose. 
 Aroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes 
 upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the 
 interjection Bo ! Upon which he cocked his 
 hat in a fierce manner, and cried, ' D — me, 
 sir, what d'ye mean by that r' Had I intended 
 to answer him, Avhich by the by was not my 
 tlesign, I should have been anticipated by 
 Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show, 
 that I could cry Bo to a goose ; and laughed 
 very heartily at my laconic reproof. Her ex- 
 planation and mirth did not help to appease 
 his wrath, which broke out in several martial 
 insinuations, such as — ' I do not understand 
 such freedoms, d — me ! D — n my blood ! I'm 
 a gentleman, and bear the king's commission. 
 'Sblood! some people deserve to have their 
 noses pulled for their impertinence.' I thought 
 to have checked these ejaculations by a 
 frown ; because he had talked so much of his 
 valour that I had long ago rated him as an 
 ass in a lion's skin ; but this expedient did 
 not answer my expectation ; he took umbrago 
 at the contraction of my brow, swore he did 
 not value my sulky looks a fig's end, and pro- 
 tested he feared no man breathing. Miss 
 Snapper said, she was very glad to find her- 
 self in company with a man of so much 
 courage, who, she did not doubt, would pro- 
 tect us from all the attempts of highwaymen 
 during our journey. ' Make yourself perfect- 
 ly easy on that head, madam,' replied the 
 officer ; ' I have got a pair of pistols (here they 
 are), which I took from a horse officer 
 at the battle of Dettingen ; they are double 
 loaded, and if any highwajanan in England 
 robs you of the value of a pin while I have the 
 honour of being in your company, d— n my 
 heart.' When ho had expressed himself in 
 this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had 
 sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and 
 said, she wondered how any man could be 
 so rude as to pull out such weapons be- 
 fore ladies. 'D — me, madam,' cried the 
 champion, ' if you are so much afraid at 
 the sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose 
 to stand fire if there should be occasion ? ' 
 She then told him that, if she thought 
 he could bo so unmannerly as to use fire-arms 
 in her presence, whatever might be the occa- 
 sion, she would get out of the coach imme- 
 diately, and walk to the next village, where 
 she might procure a convenience to henself. 
 Before he could make anyanswer,myDuloinea 
 interposed, and observed that, far from being 
 offended at a gentleman's using his arms in 
 his own defence, she thought herself very 
 lucky in being along with one by whose valour 
 she stood a good chance of saving herself from 
 being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look 
 at Miss, and said that people, who have but 
 
 little to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous 
 about •preserving it. Tiie old lady was af- 
 fronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that 
 people ought to be very well informed before 
 they speak slightingly of other people's for- 
 tune, lest they discover their own envj', and 
 make themselves ridiculous. Tlie daughter 
 declared, that she did not pretend to vie with 
 anybody in point of riches ; and if the ladj% 
 who insisted upon non-resistance, would pro- 
 mise to indemnify us all for the loss we should 
 sustain, she would be one of the first to per- 
 suade the captain to submission, in case wo 
 should be attacked. To this proposal, reason- 
 able as it was, the reserved lady made no 
 other reply than a scornful glance and a toss 
 of her head. I was very well pleased with 
 the spirit of my young mistress, and even 
 wished for an opportunity of distinguishing 
 my courage under her eye, which I believed 
 could not fail ofprepossessing her in my favour, 
 when all of a sudden Strap rode up to tho 
 coach door, and told us in a great fright, that 
 two men on horseback Avere crossing the heath 
 (for by this time we had passed Hounslow), 
 and made directly towards us. 
 
 This piece of information was no sooner de- 
 livered, than Mrs. Snapper began to scream, 
 her daughter grew pale, the other lad}' pulled 
 out her purse to Ijp in readiness, the lawyer's 
 teeth chattered, while he pronounced, ' Tis no 
 matter — we'll sue tho county and recover.' 
 The captain gave evident signs of confusion : 
 and I, after having commanded the coachman 
 to stop, opened the door, iumped out, and in- 
 vited the warrior to follow me. But, finding 
 him backward and astonished, I took his pis- 
 tols, and, giving them to Strap, who had by 
 this time alighted and trembled very much, I 
 mounted on horseback ; and, taking my own 
 (which I could better depend upon) from the 
 holsters, cocked them both, and faced the 
 rofcbors, who were now very near us. Seeing 
 mo ready to oppose them on horseback, and 
 another man armed a-foot, they made a halt 
 at some distance to reconnoitre us : and after 
 having rode round us twice, myself still facing 
 about as they rode, went off tho same way 
 they came, at a hand gallop. A gentleman's 
 servant coming up with a horse at the samo 
 time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pur- 
 suing them, which he no sooner accepted, than 
 I armed him with the officer's pLstols, and we 
 galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to 
 the swiftness of their horses, stopped till wo 
 came within shot of them, and then, firing at 
 us, put their nags to the full speed. We fol- 
 lowed them as fast as our beasts could carry 
 lis ; bat, not being so well mounted as they, 
 our efforts would have been to little purpose, 
 had not the horse of one of them stumbled, 
 and thrown his rider with such violence over 
 his head, that he lay senseless when we came 
 up, and was taken without the least oppo- 
 sition ; while his comrade consulted his own 
 safety in flight, without regarding the distress 
 
144 
 
 BOBERICK RANDOM. 
 
 of hi3 friend. We scarce had time to make 
 ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his 
 hands together, before he recovered his senses, 
 when, learning his situation, he affected sur- 
 prise, demanded to know by A\hat authority 
 we used a gentleman in that manner, and had 
 the impudence to threaten us with a prose- 
 cution for robbery. In the meantime, we 
 perceived Strap comin<? up with a crowd of 
 people, armed with different kinds of wea- 
 pons ; and among the rest a farmer, who no 
 sooner perceived the thief, whom we had 
 secm-ed, than he cried with great emotion, 
 ' There's the fellow who robbed me an hour 
 ago of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.' He 
 was immediately searched, and the money 
 found exactly as it had been described ; upon 
 which, we committed him to the charge of 
 the countrj'man, who carried him to the town 
 of Hounslow, which, it seems, tlic farmer had 
 alarmed ; and I, having satisfied the footman 
 for his trouble, according to promise, returned 
 with Strap to the coach, where I found the 
 captain and lawyer busy in administering 
 smelling bottles and cordials to the grave 
 lady, who had gone into a lit at the noise of 
 the tiring. 
 
 \Vh en I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who 
 from the coach had seen everything that hap- 
 pened, made me a compliment on m j' behaviour, 
 and said she was glad to see me returned with- 
 out having received any injur}' ; her mother too 
 owned herself obliged to my resolution : and 
 the lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act 
 of pai-liament to a rewai-d of forty pounds, 
 for having apprehended a highwayman. The 
 soldier observed, with a countenance in which 
 impudence and shame struggling, i)roduccd 
 some disorder, that if I had not been in such 
 a d — d hurry to get out of the coach, he would 
 have secured the rogues effectually, without 
 all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme 
 which my heat and precipitation ruined. ' IJpr 
 my own part,' continued he, ' I am always ex- 
 tremely cool on these occasions.' ' So it ap- 
 peared, by your trembling,' said the young 
 lady. ' Death and d — tion ! ' cried he, ' your 
 sex protects you, madam ; if any man on earth 
 durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, 
 d — n my heart ! in an instant.' So saying, 
 he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked if I had 
 seen him tremble ? I answered without hesi- 
 tation, ' Yes.' ' D — me, sir,' said he, ' d'ye 
 doubt my courage ?' I replied, ' Very much.' 
 This declaration quite disconcerted him. He 
 looked blank, and pronounced with a falter- 
 ing voice, 'Oh! it's very well: d — n my 
 blood ! I sh.all find a time.' I signified my 
 contempt of him, by thrusting my tongue in 
 my cheek, which humbled him so much, that 
 he scarce sworo another oath aloud during 
 the whole journey. 
 
 The precise lady, having recruited her 
 spirits by the help of some strong w.aters, 
 began a soliloquy, in wliieh she wondered 
 that any man, who pretended to maintain 
 
 the character of a gentleman, could, for the 
 sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of 
 honour into such quandaries as might en- 
 danger their lives ; and professed her surjirise 
 that women were not ashamed to commend 
 such brutality. At the same time vowing, 
 that for the future she would never set foot 
 in a stage coach, if a private convenience 
 could be had for love or money. 
 
 Nettled at her remarks, I took the same 
 method of conveying my sentiments, and 
 wondered in my turn, that any woman of 
 common sense should be so unreasonable as 
 to expect that people, who had neither ac- 
 quaintance nor connection with her, would 
 tamely allow themselves to be robbed and 
 maltreated, merely to indulge her capricious 
 humour. I likewise confessed my astonish- 
 ment at her insolence and ingratitude in 
 taxing a person with brutality, who deserved 
 her approbation and acknowledgment ; and 
 vowed that, if ever shi-- should be assaulted 
 again, I would leave her to the mercy of the 
 spoiler, that she might know the value of 
 my protection. 
 
 This person of honour did not think fit to 
 carry on the altercation anj' further, but 
 seemed to chew the cud of her resentment 
 with the crestfallen captain, while I entered 
 into discoui-se with my charmer, who was the 
 more plciused with my conversation, as she 
 had conceived a very indifferent oi)inion of 
 my intellects from my former silence. I 
 should have had cause to bo equally satisfied 
 with the sprightliness of her genius, could 
 she have curbed her imagination with judg- 
 ment ; but she laboured under such a profu- 
 sion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly tongue, 
 and felt by anticipation the horrors of an 
 eternal clack ! However, when I considered, 
 on the other hand, the joys attending the 
 possession of twenty thousand pounds, I for- 
 got her imperfections, seized occasion by the 
 forelock, and endeavoured to insinuate my- 
 self into her affection. The careful mother 
 kept a strict watch over her, and, though she 
 could not help behaving civilly to me, took 
 frequent opportunities of discouraging our 
 communication, by reprimanding her for 
 being so free with strangers, and telling her 
 she must learn to spealv less and think more. 
 Abridged of the use of sjieech, we conversed 
 with our eyes, and I found the young lady 
 very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In 
 short, I had reason to believe that she was 
 sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and 
 that I should find it no difficult matter to 
 supersede her authority. 
 
 When we arrived at the place where wo 
 were to breakfast, I alighted, and helped my 
 mistress out of the coach, as well as her 
 mother, who called for a priv.ate room, to 
 which they withdrew, in order to cat by 
 themselves. As they retired together, I per- 
 ceived that Miss had got more twists from 
 nature than I had before observed for she 
 
BODERICK EAND03T. 
 
 145 
 
 was bent sideways into the figure of an S, so 
 that her progrossion very much resembled 
 that of a crab. The prude also chose the 
 captain for her messmate, and ordered break- 
 fast for two only, to be brought into another 
 separate room : while the lawyer and 1, de- 
 serted by the rest of the company, were fain 
 to put up with each other. I was a pood 
 deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. 
 Snapper, who, I thought, did not use me with 
 all the complaisance I deserved ; and my com- 
 panion declared that he had been a traveller 
 for twenty years, and never knew the stage 
 coach rules so much infringed before. As for 
 the honorable gentlewoman, I could not con- 
 ceive the meaning of her attachment to the 
 lieutenant ; and asked the lawyer if he knew 
 for which of the soldier's virtues she admired 
 him ? The counsellor facetiously replied, ' I 
 suppose the lady knows him to be an able 
 conveyancer, and wants him to make a settle- 
 ment in tail.' I could not help laughing at 
 the archness of the barrister, who entertained 
 me during breakfast with a great deal of wit 
 of the same kind, at the expense of our fellow- 
 travellers ; and among other things said, he 
 was sorry to find the young lady satldled with 
 such incumbrances. 
 
 When we had made an end of our repast, 
 and paid our reckoning, we went into the 
 coach, took our places, and bribed the driver 
 ■with sixpence to revenge us on the rest of 
 his fare, by hun-ying them away in the midst 
 of their meal. This task he performed to 
 our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their 
 enjoyment with his importunate clamour. 
 The mother and daughter obeyed the sum- 
 mons first, and, coming to the coach door, 
 were obliged to desire the coachman's assist- 
 ance to get in, because the lawyer and I had 
 agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. 
 They were no sooner seated, than the captain 
 appeared, as much heated as if he had been 
 pursued a dozen miles by an enemy ; and im- 
 mediately after him came the lady, not with- 
 out some marks of disorder. Having helped 
 her up, ho entered himself, growling a few 
 oaths against the coachman for his imperti- 
 nent interruption ; and the lawyer comforted 
 him by saying, that if he had sutfered a nisi 
 2)n«s through the obstinacy of the defendant, 
 he might have an opportunity to join issue at 
 the next stage. This last expression gave 
 offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told 
 him, if she was a man, she would make him 
 repent of such obscenity, and thanked God 
 r.he had never been in such company before. 
 At this insinuation the captain thought him- 
 self under a necessity of espousing the lady's 
 cause ; and accordingly threatened to cut 
 off the lawyer's ears, if he should give his 
 tongue any such liberties for the future. The 
 poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal 
 silence ensued. 
 
 CHAPTER LV. 
 
 I resolve to ingratiate myself with the Mother, 
 and am favoured by accident — the precise 
 Lady finds tier Husband, and quits the 
 Coach — the Captain is disappinnted. of his 
 dinner — we arrive at Bath — / accompany 
 Miss Snapper to the Long-room, vhere she 
 is attacked by Beau, Naslt., and turns the 
 Laui/h against him — I make love to her, and 
 receive a Check — Squire her to an Assembly, 
 where I am blessed with a Sight af my dear 
 Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, 
 tJiat Miss Snapper, obse)-viiuj my disorder, 
 is at j)ains to discover the Cause — isjJi^ut'tl 
 at the Occasion, and, in our Way home, 
 2)ays me a sarcastic Compliment— I am met 
 by Miss Williams, who is the Maid and Con- 
 fiiUintc of Narcissa — she acquaints me with 
 her Lady's regard for me while under the 
 disguise of a Servant, and describes the 
 Transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the 
 Assembly, in the Character of a Gentleman 
 — / am surpnsed with an Account of her 
 AunVs Marriage, andmake an Appointment 
 to meet Miss Williams nt'a'f day. 
 
 DURING this unsocial interval, my pride 
 and interest maintained a severe conflict 
 on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one 
 represented as unworthy of notice, and the 
 other proposed as the object of my whole at- 
 tention : the advantages and disadvantages 
 attending such a match were opposed to one 
 another by my imagination ; and, at length, 
 my judgment gave it so much in favour of 
 the first, that I resolved to prosecute my 
 scheme with all the address in my power. I 
 thought I perceived some concern in her coun- 
 tenance, occasioned by my silence, which she, 
 no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her mo- 
 ther's behaviour ; and, as I believed the old 
 woman could not fail of ascribing my mute- 
 ness to the same motive, I determined to con- 
 tinue that sullen conduct towards her, and 
 fall upon some other method of manifesting 
 my esteem for the daughter ; nor was it diffi- 
 cult for me to make her acquainted with my 
 sentiments by the expression of my looks, 
 which I modelled into the character of humi- 
 lity and love ; and which were answered by 
 her with all the sympathy and approbation I 
 could desire. But when I began to consider, 
 that, without further opportunities of improv- 
 ing my success, all the progress I had hitherto 
 made would not much avail, and that such 
 opportunities could not be enjoyed without 
 the mother's permission, I concluded it would 
 be requisite to vanquish her coldness and sus- 
 picion by my assiduities and respectful beha- 
 viour on the road ; and she would, in all like- 
 lihood, invite me to visit her at Bath, where 
 I did not fear of being able to cultivate her 
 acquaintance as much as would be necessary 
 to the accomplishment of my purpose. And 
 indeed accident furnished me with an oppor- 
 tunity of obliging her so piucU that she coulcl 
 
14G 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 not, with any appearance of good manners, 
 forbear to gratify my inclination. 
 
 When we arrived at our dining-place, wo 
 found all the eatables at the inn bespoke by a 
 certain nobleman, who had got the start of us, 
 and, in all likelihood, my mistress and her 
 mother must have dined -with Doke Hum- 
 phrej', had I not exerted myself in their be- 
 half, and bribed the landlord with a glass of 
 wine to curtail his lordship's entertainment 
 of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I 
 Bent with my compliments to the ladies. They 
 accepted mj'^ treat -nath a great many thanks, 
 and desired I would favour them with my com- 
 pany at dinner, where I amused the old gentle- 
 woman so successfully, by maintaining a seem- 
 ingly disinterested ease in the midst of my 
 civility, that she signified a desire of being 
 better acquainted, and hoped I would be so 
 kind as to see her sometimes at Bath. While 
 I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise 
 lady had the good fortune to meet with her 
 husband, who was no other than gentleman, 
 or, in other words, valet-de-chamhre, to the 
 very nobleman whose coach stood at the door. 
 Proud of the interest she had in the house, 
 she affected to show her power by introducing 
 the captain to her spouse as a person who had 
 treated her with great civility, upon which ho 
 was invited to a share of their dinner ; while 
 the poor lawyer, finding himselt utterly aban- 
 doned, made application to me, and was 
 through my intercession admitted into our 
 company. Having satisfied our a]ipetites, and 
 made ourselves merry at the expense of the 
 person of honour, the civil captain, and com- 
 plaisant husband, I <lid myself the pleasure of 
 discharging the liill by stealth, for which I 
 received a great many apologies and acknow- 
 ledgments from my guests, and we rc-eni- 
 barked at the first warning. The officer was 
 obligeil, at last, to appease his hunger with a 
 luncheon of l>read and cheese, and a pint 
 bottle of brandy, whicli ho dispatched in the 
 coach, cursing the inappetence of his lordship, 
 who had ordered dinner to be put back a 
 whole hour. 
 
 Nothing remarkable happened during the 
 remaining part of our journey, which was 
 finished next day, when I waited on the 
 ladies to the house of a relation, in which 
 they intended to lodge, and, pas?injf that 
 night at the inn, took lodgings in the morning 
 for myself. 
 
 The forenoon was spent in visiting every- 
 thing that was worth seeing in the place, in 
 company with a gentleman to whom Banter 
 had given me a letter of introduction ; and 
 in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and 
 found Miss a good deal indisposed with the 
 fatigue of the journey. As they foresaw they 
 should have occasion for a male acquaintance 
 to squire them at all public places, I was re- 
 ceived with great cordiality, and had the 
 mother's permission to conduct them next 
 d.ay to tho Long Eoom, which wo no sooner 
 entered, than tlae eyes of everybody present 
 
 were turned upon us ; and, when we had 
 suffered tlie martyrdom of their looks for 
 some time, a whisper circulated at our ex- 
 pense, which was accompanied with many 
 contemptuous smiles and tittering observa- 
 tions, to my utter shame and confusion. I 
 did not so much conduct as follow. my charge 
 to a place where she seated her mother and 
 herself with astonishing composure, notwith- 
 standing the unmannerly behanour of the 
 whole company, which seemed to be assumed 
 merely to put her out of countenance. Tlie 
 celebrated Mr. Nash, who commonly attends 
 in this place, as master of the ceremonies, 
 perceiving tlio disposition of the assembly, 
 took uj oa himself the task of gratifying their 
 ill-natuie still further, by exposing my mis- 
 tress to the edge of his wit. With this view 
 he approached us, with many bows and 
 grimaces, and, after having welcomed Miss 
 Snapper to the place, asked her, in the hearing 
 of all present, if she could inform him of tho 
 name of Tobit's dog. I was so much in- 
 censed at his insolence, that I should certainly 
 have kicked him where ho stood, without cere- 
 mony, had not the young lady prevented tho 
 cfi'ccts of ray indignation, by replj'ing with 
 the utmost vivacity, ' His -name was Nash, 
 and an impudent dog he was.' This repartee, 
 so unexpected and just, raised such a uni- 
 versal laugh at the aggressor, that all his 
 assurance was insufficient to support him 
 under their dei'ision; so tliat, after he had 
 endeavoured to compose himself by taking 
 snuff and forcing a smile, he was obliged to 
 sneak off in a very ludicrous attitude ; while 
 my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies for 
 the brilliancy of her wit, and her acquain- 
 tance immediately courted by tho best people 
 of both sexes in the room. 
 
 This event, with which I was infinitely 
 pleased at first, did not fail of alarming me, 
 upon farther reflection, when I considered, 
 that the more she was caressed by persons of 
 distinction, the more her pride would bo in- 
 flamed, and consequently, tho obstacles to my 
 success multiplied and enlarged. Nor were 
 my presaging fears untrue. That very night 
 I perceived her a little intoxicated with the 
 incense she had received, and, though, she 
 still behaved with a particular civility to mo, 
 I foresaw, that, as soon as her fortune should 
 be known, she would be surrounded with a 
 swarm of admirers, some one of whom might 
 possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, 
 or in the arts of flattery and scandal, sup- 
 plant mo in her esteem, and find means to 
 make tho mother of his party. I resolved 
 therefore to lose no time, and, being invited 
 to spend tho evening with them, found an op- 
 portunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's 
 vigilance, to explain the meaning of my 
 glances in the coach, by paying homage to 
 her wit, and professing myself enamoured of 
 her person. She blu.shed at my declaration, 
 and in a flxvourablo manner disapproved of 
 the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind 
 
nODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 W 
 
 of our being strangers to each other, and 
 desiring I would not be the means of inter- 
 rupting our acquaintance, by any such un- 
 seasonable strokes of gallantry for the future. 
 My ardour was effectually checked by this re- 
 primand, which was, however, delivered in 
 such a gentle manner, that I had no cause to 
 be disobliged ; and the arrival of her motlier 
 relieved me from a dilemma in which I should 
 not have known how to demean myself a 
 minute longer. Neither could I resume the 
 easiness of carriage with which I came in ; 
 my mistress acted on the rcscr%'e, and tho 
 conversation beginning to flag, the old lady 
 introduced her kinswoman of the house, and 
 proposed a hand at whist. 
 
 While we amused ourselves at this diver- 
 sion, I understood from the gentlewoman, 
 that there was to be an assembly next night, 
 at which I begged to have tho honour of 
 dancing with Miss. She thanked me for tho 
 favour I intended her, assured me slio never 
 did dance, but signified a desire of seeing 
 the company, when I offered my service, 
 wliich was accepted, not a little proud of 
 being exempted from appearing with her in a 
 situation, that,notwitb.->tandingmy profession 
 to tho contrary, was not at all agreeable to 
 my inclination. 
 
 Having suj)pcd, and continued tho game, 
 till such time as tho successive yawns of tho 
 mother warned mo to bo gone, I took my 
 leave, and wont homo, where I made Strap 
 very happy with an account of my progress. 
 Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and 
 went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, accord- 
 ing to appointment, when I found, to my Ln- 
 exjjressiblo satisfaction, that sho was laid up 
 with the toothache, and that Miss wivs to bo 
 intruste<l to my care. Accordingly, we set out 
 for the ball-room jjretty early in tho evening, 
 and took possession of a commodious place, 
 where we had not sat longer than a quarter of 
 an hour, when a gentleman, dressed in a 
 gi-een frock, came in, leading a young lady, 
 whom I immediately discovered to ho tho 
 adorable Narcissa ! Good heaven ! what were 
 tho thrillings of my soul at that instant! my 
 reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent of 
 agitation ! my heart throbbed with surprisuig 
 violence ! a sudden mist oversprcafl my eyes ! 
 my ears were invaded with a dreadful sound! 
 I panted for want of breath, and, in short, 
 was for some moments entranced ! This first 
 tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering 
 ideas rushed upon my imagination. Every- 
 thing that was soft, sensible, and engaging, 
 in the character of that dear creatiu-o re- 
 curred to my remembrance, and every favour- 
 able circumstance of my own qualifications 
 appeared in all tho aggravation of self-con- 
 ceit, to heighten my expectation I Neither 
 was this transport of long duration. The 
 dread of her being already disposed of inter- 
 vened, and overcast my enchanting reverie ! 
 My presaging apprehension represented her 
 encircled in the arms of some happy rival, 
 
 and of consequence for ever lost to me. I 
 was stung with this suggestion, and, beliov 
 ing the person who conducted her to be tho 
 husband of this amiable young lady, already 
 devotod him to my fury, and stood up to 
 mark him for my vengeance ; when I re- 
 collected, to my unspeakable joy, her 
 brother the fox-hunter, in the person of her 
 gallant. 
 
 Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in 
 this particular, I gazed in a frenzy of de- 
 light on the irresistible charms of his sister, 
 who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, 
 than her evident confusion afforded a happy 
 omen to my flame. At sight of mo sho 
 started, the roses instantly vanished from 
 her polished cheeks, and returned in a mo- 
 ment with a double glow, that overspread 
 her lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom 
 heaved with strong emotion. I hailed theso 
 favourable symptoms, and, lying in wait for 
 her looks, did homage with my eyes. Sho 
 seemed to approve mj- declaration, by tho 
 complacency of her aspect ; and I was so 
 transported with the discovery, that more than 
 once I was on the point of making up to her, 
 to disclose tho throbbings of my heart in 
 persoft, had not that profound veneration, 
 which her presence always inspired, restrained 
 fho unseasonable impiilsc. All my powers 
 being engrossed in this manner, it may easily 
 bo imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snap- 
 per, on whom I could not now turn iny eyes, 
 without making comparisons very little to 
 her advantage. It was not even in my power 
 to return distinct answers to the questions 
 sho asked from time to time, so that she could 
 not help observing my absence of mind ; and 
 having a turn for observation, watched my 
 jjlances, and, tracing them to tho divine ob- 
 ject, discovered the cau.so of my disorder. 
 That she might, however, bo convinced of tho 
 truth of her conjecture, she began to intci"- 
 rojjato mo with regard to Narcissa, and, not- 
 withstanding all my endeavours to disguise 
 my sentiments, perceived my attachment by 
 my confusion : upon which, she assumed a 
 stateliness of behaviour, and sat silent during 
 tho remaining part of tho entertainment. At 
 any other time, her suspicion Avonld havo 
 alarmed me : but now I wiis elevated by my 
 passion above eveiy other consideration. 
 The mistress of my soul having retired with 
 her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness 
 at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed 
 to go homo ; and, while I conducted her to a 
 chair, told mo she had too gi'cat a regard for 
 mc to keep me any longer in torment. I 
 feigned ignorance of her meaning, and, hav- 
 ing seen her safely at her lodgings, took 
 my leave, and went home iii an ecstasy, where 
 I disclosed everything that had happened to 
 my confidant and humble servant, Strap, 
 who did not relish the accident so well a:? I 
 expected ; and observed, that a bird in the 
 hand is worth two in the bush. But, how- 
 ever,' said he, 'you know best — ^you know 
 
148 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 best.' Next day, as I Avent to the Pump 
 Room, in hopes of seeing or hearing some 
 tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met by a 
 gentlewoman, who, having looked hard at 
 me, cried, ' O Christ, Mr. Random !' surprised 
 at this exclamation, I examined the counte- 
 nance of the person who spoke, and immedi- 
 ately recognised my old sweetheart and fellow 
 sufferer. Miss \Villiam3. 
 
 I was mightily pleased to find this unfortu- 
 nate woman under such a decent appearance, 
 professed my joy at seeing her so well, 
 and desired to know where I should have 
 the pleasure of her conversation. She was as 
 heartily rejoiced at the apparent easiness of 
 my fortune, and gave me to know that she, 
 as yet, had no habitation that she could 
 properly caU her own ; but would wait on me 
 at any place I should please to a.ppoint. Un- 
 derstanding that she was unengaged for the 
 present, I showed her the way to my own lodg- 
 ings, where, after a very affectionate salutation , 
 she informed me of her being very happy in 
 the service of a young lady, to whom she 
 was recommended by a former mistress de- 
 ceased, into whose family she had recommended 
 herself by the honest deceit she had con- 
 certed, wiiile she lived with me in the garret 
 at London. She then expressed a vehement 
 desire to bo acquainted with the vicissitudes 
 of my life since we parted, and excused her 
 curiosity on account of the concern she had 
 for my interest. I forthwith gratified her 
 request, and, when I described my situation 
 in Sussex, perceived her to attend to my 
 story with particular eagerness. She inter- 
 rupted me, when I had finished that period, 
 with, ' Good God ! is it possible ?' and then 
 begged I would be so good as to continue my 
 relation ; which I did as briefly as I could, 
 burning with impatience to know the cause 
 of her surprise, about which I had already 
 formed a verj' interesting conjecture. 
 
 When I had brought my adventures down 
 to th<3 present day, she seemed very much 
 affected with the different circumstances 
 of my fortune ; and saying, with a smile, 
 she believed my distresses were now at a 
 period, proceeded to inform me, that the 
 lady Avhom she served was no other than the 
 charming Narcissa, who had honoured her 
 with her confidence for some time ; in conse- 
 quence of which trust, she had often repeated 
 the story of John Brown with great admira- 
 tion and regard; that she loved to dwell upon 
 the particulars of his character, and did not 
 scruple to own a tender approbation of his 
 flame. I became delirious at this piece of 
 intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my 
 embraco, called her the angel of my happiness, 
 and acted such extravagances, that she might 
 have been convinced of my sincerity, had she 
 not been satisfied of my honour before. As 
 soon as I was in condition to yield attention, 
 she described the present situation of her 
 mistress, who had no sooner reached her lodg- 
 ings the night before, than she closeted her, 
 
 and in a rapture of joy gave her to know 
 that she had seen me at the ball, where I 
 appeared in the character which she always 
 thought my due, with such advantage of 
 transformation that, unless my image had 
 been engraven on her heart, it would have 
 been impossible to know me for the person 
 who had worn her aunt's livery ; that by the 
 language of my eyes, she was assured of the 
 continuance of my passion for her, and con- 
 sequently of my being unengaged to any 
 other ; and that, though she did not doubt I 
 would speedily fall xipon some method of 
 being introduced, she was so impatient to 
 hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) had 
 been sent abroad this very morning, on pur- 
 pose to learn the name and character I at 
 present bore . My bosom had been hitherto 
 a stranger to such a flood of joy as now 
 rushed upon it ; my faculties were overborne 
 by the tide ; it was some time before I could 
 open ni}^ mouth, and much longer ere I could 
 utter a coherent sentence. At length, I fer- 
 vently requested her to lead me immediately 
 to the object of my adoration ; but she 
 resisted my importunity, and explained the 
 danger of such premature conduct. ' How 
 favourable soever,' said she, ' my lady's incli- 
 nation towards you may be, you may depend 
 upon it, she will not commit the smallest 
 trespass on decorum, either in disclosing her 
 own, or in receiving a declaration of your 
 passion : and, although the great A'eneration 
 I have for you has prompted me to reveal 
 what she communicated to me in confidence, 
 I know so well the severity of her sentiments 
 with respect to the punctilios of her sex that, 
 if she should learn the least surmise of it, 
 she would not only dismiss me as a wretch 
 unworthy of her benevolence, but also for 
 ever shun the efforts of your love.' I assented 
 to the justness of her remonstrance, and 
 desired she would assist me with her advice 
 and direction -. upon which it was concerted 
 between us, that for the present I should be 
 contented Avith her telling Narcissa that, in 
 the course of her inquiries, she could only 
 learn my name : and that, if, in a day or tAVO, 
 I could fall upon no other method of being 
 introduced to hor mistress, she would deliver 
 a letter from me, on pretence of consulting 
 her happiness ; and say that I met her in the 
 streets, and bribed her to this piece of service. 
 Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my old 
 acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from 
 her conversation, thn,t my rival Sir Timothy 
 had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of which 
 he died five months ago ; that the savage was 
 still unmarried ; and that his aunt had been 
 seized Avith a Avhim Avhich he little expected, 
 and chosen the schoolmaster of the parish 
 for her lord and hiisband : but matrimony 
 not agreeing Avith her constitution, she had 
 been hectic and dropsical a good Avhile, and 
 was now at Bath, in order to drink the Avaters 
 for the recoA'cry of her health; that her niece 
 had accompanied her thither at her request, 
 
 I 
 
RODMtCK kANDOM. 
 
 149 
 
 and attended her with the same affection as 
 before, notwithstanding the mistake she had 
 committed : and that the nephew, who had 
 been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, 
 did not give his attendance out of good will, 
 but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest 
 she should likewise throw herself away with- 
 out his consent or approbation. Having 
 enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made 
 an assignation to meet next day at a certain 
 place. Miss Williams took her leave ; and 
 Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the 
 nature of the communication subsisting 
 between us, I made him acquainted with the 
 whole affair, to his great astonishment and 
 satisfaction. 
 
 CHAPTER LVI. 
 
 I become acquainted with Narcissa's Brother, 
 who invites me to his House, where I am 
 introduced to that adorable Creature — after 
 Dinner, the Squire retires to ta1;e his nap — 
 Freeman, guessing the Situation of my 
 Thoughts, icithdraus lilcc^vise on jjretencc of 
 Busiiiess — I declare my passion to Narcissa 
 — am well received— charmed with her Con- 
 versation — the Squire detains us to Su^jjjci- 
 — I elude his design by a Stratagem, and 
 get home sober, 
 
 IN the afternoon, I drank tea at the house 
 of Mr. Freeman, to whom I had been 
 recommended by Banter ; where I had not 
 sat five minutes, till the foxhunter came in, 
 and by his familiar behaviour appeared to be 
 intimate with my friend. I was, at first, 
 imder some concern, lest he should recollect 
 my features ; but when I found myself intro- 
 duced to him as a gentleman from London, 
 A\athout being discovered, I blessed the oppor- 
 tunity that brought me into his company ; 
 hoping that, in the coiirse of my acquaintance, 
 he would invite me to his house ; nor were my 
 hopes frustrated, for, as we spent the evening 
 together, he grew extremely fond of my conver- 
 sation, asked a great many childish questions 
 about France and foreign parts ; and seemed 
 so highly entertained with my answers, that 
 in his cups he shook me often by the hand, 
 pronounced me an honest fellow, and in fine 
 desired our company at dinner next day, at 
 his own house. My imagination was so much 
 employed in anticipating the happiness I was 
 to enjoy next day, that I slept very little that 
 night ; but, rising early in the morning, went 
 to the place appointed, where I met my she- 
 friend, and imparted to her my success with 
 the squire. She was very much pleased at 
 the occasion, ' which,' she said, ' could not fail 
 of being agreeable to Narcissa, who, in spite 
 of her passion for me, had mentioned some 
 scruples relating to my true situation and 
 character, which the delicacy of her senti- 
 ments suggested, and which she believed I 
 would find it necessary to remove, though she 
 did not know how.' I was a good deal startled 
 
 at this insinuation, because 1 foresaw tho 
 difficulty I should find in barely doing myself 
 justice : for, although it never was my inten- 
 tion to impose myself upon any woman, much 
 less on Narcissa, as a man of fortune, I laid 
 claim to the character of a gentleman by 
 birth, education, and behaviour ; and yet (so 
 unlucky had the circumstances of my life 
 fallen out) I should find it a very hard matter 
 to make good my pretensions even to these, 
 especially to the last, which was the most 
 essential. Miss Williams was as sensible as I 
 of this my disadvantage, but comforted me with 
 observing that, when once a wonian has be- 
 stowed her affections on a man, she cannot 
 help judging of him in all respects with a 
 partiality easily influenced in his favour : she 
 remarked that, although some situations of 
 my life had been low, yet none of them had 
 been infamous ; that my indigence had been 
 the crime not of me, but of fortune ; and that 
 the miseries I had undergone, by improving 
 the faculties both of mind and body, qualified 
 me the more for any dignified station ; and 
 would of consequence recommend me to the 
 good graces of any sensible woman : she 
 therefore advised me to be always open and 
 unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, 
 without unnecessarily betraying the meanest 
 occurrences of my fate ; and trust to the 
 strength of her love and reflection for the 
 rest. 
 
 The sentiments of this sensible young wo- 
 man on this, as well as on almost every other 
 subject,perfectly agreed "vWth mine. I thanked 
 her for the care she took of my interests, and, 
 promising to behave mj'self according to her 
 directions, we parted, after she had assured 
 me that I might depend iipon her best offices 
 with her mistress, and that she would from 
 time to time communicate to me such intelli- 
 gence as she could procure, relating to my 
 flame. Having dressed myself to the best 
 advantage, I waited for the time of dinner 
 with the most fearful impatience ; and, as the 
 hour drew nigh, my heart beat with such 
 increased velocity, and my spirits contracted 
 such disorder, that I began to suspect my 
 resolution, and even to wish myself disen- 
 gaged. At last Mr. Freeman called at my 
 lodgings in his way, and I accompanied him 
 to the house where all my happiness was 
 deposited. We were very kindly received by 
 the squire, who sat smoking his pipe in a 
 parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any- 
 thing before dinner : though I never had more 
 occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to 
 accept his offer, which was also refused by 
 mj^ friend. We sat down, however, and en- 
 tered into conversation, which lasted half-an- 
 hour, so that I had time to recollect myself ; 
 and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to 
 hope that Narcissa would not appear — when, 
 all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave u.s 
 notice that dinner was upon the table, and 
 my perturbation returned with such violence 
 that I could scarcely conceal it from the com- 
 
150 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 pauy, as I ascended the staircase. When I 
 entered the dining-room, the first object that 
 sall^ted my ravished eyes was the divine 
 Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned vk'ith 
 all the graces that meekness, innocence, and 
 beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a 
 giddmess, my knees tottered, and I scarce 
 had strength enough to perform the ceremony 
 of salutation, when her brother, slapping me 
 on the shoulder, cried, ' Measter Eandam 
 that there is my sister.' I approached her with 
 eagerness and fear ; but in the moment of our 
 embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture ' 
 It was a lucky circumstance for us both, that 
 my entertainer was not endued with an un- 
 common stock of penetration; for our mutual 
 confusion was so manifest, that Mr. Freeman 
 perceived it, and as we went home together, 
 congratulated me on my good fortune. But 
 so far was Bruin from entertaining the least 
 suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a 
 conversation with my mistress in a languao-e 
 unknown to him, by telling her, that he had 
 brought agentleman who could jabberwith her 
 in French and other foreign lingos as fast as 
 she pleased ; then, turning to me, said, ' Odds 
 bobs ! I wish you would hold discourse with 
 her in your French or Italiano, and tell me if 
 she understands it as well as she woiUd bo 
 thought to do. There's her aunt and she will 
 chatter together Avhole days in it, and I can't 
 have a mouthful of English for love or money.' 
 I consulted the look of my amiable mistress, 
 and found her averse to his proposal, which 
 indeed she declined with a sweetness of denial 
 peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to 
 that part of the company which did not tui- 
 derstand the language in question. As I hatl 
 the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I 
 feasted my eyes much more than my palate, 
 which she tempted in vain Avith the most deli- 
 cious bits carved by her fair hand, and recom- 
 mended by her persuasive tongue ; but all my 
 other appetites were swallowed up in the im- 
 mensity of my love, which I fed by gazing inces- 
 santly on the delightful object. Dinner was 
 scarcely ended, when .the squire became very 
 drowsy, and after several dreadful yawns, got 
 up, stretched himself, took two or three turns 
 across the room, begged wo would allow him 
 totakea short nap, and, having laid a strong 
 injunction on his sister to detain us till his 
 return, went to his repose without further 
 ceremony. He had not been gone many 
 minutes, Avhen Freeman, guessing the situa- 
 tion of my heart, and thinking he could not 
 do me a greater favour than to leave me alone 
 with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself 
 all of a sudden, and, starting up, begged the 
 iady s pardon for half-an-hour, for he had 
 unluckily remembered an engagement of some 
 consequence, that he must perform at that 
 instant: so saying, he took his leave, pro- 
 mising to come back time enough for tea, 
 leaving my mistress and me in great con- 
 tusion. 
 
 Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of dis- 
 
 closing the pantings of my soul, I had not 
 power to use it. I studied many pathetic 
 declarations, but, when I attempted to give 
 them utterance, my tongue denied its office, 
 and she sat silent with a downcast look full 
 ot anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with 
 expectation of some great event. At length 
 i endeavoured to put an end to this solemn 
 pause, and began with, ' It is very surprising 
 madam madam'— Here the sound dying 
 away, I made a full stop ; while Narcissa, 
 starting, blushed, and, with a timid accent 
 answered, "Sir?" Confounded at this note 
 ot interrogation, I pronounced with the most 
 sheepish bashfulness, ' Madam !' To which 
 she replied, ' I beg pardon— I thought you 
 had spoken to me.' Another pause ensued— 
 i made another effort, and, though my voice 
 faltered very much at the beginning, made 
 shift to express myself in this manner: 'I 
 ^^'' i'?^*^^"^' it is very surprising that love : 
 should act so inconsistently with itself, as to > 
 deprive its votaries of the use of their facul- 
 ties, when they have most need of them, 
 bmce the happy occasion of being alone with 
 you presented itself, I have made many un- 
 successful attempts to declare a passion for 
 the loveliest of her sex— a passion which took 
 possession of my soul, while my cruel fate 
 compelled mo to wear a servile disguise so • 
 unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let 
 me add, my deserts; yet favourable in one 
 respect, as it furnished me with opportunities 
 of seeing and adoring your perfections. Yes, 
 madam, it was then your dear idea entered 
 my bosom, where it has lived unimpaired ia 
 the midst of numberless cares, and ani- 
 mated me against a thousand dangers and 
 calamities!' 
 
 While I spoke thus, she concealed her face ! 
 with her fan, and when I ceased speaking, 
 recovering herself from the most beautiful 
 confusion, told me she thought herself very 
 much obliged by mj favourable opinion of 
 her, and that she was very sorry to hear I 
 had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this 
 gentle reply, I proceeded, owned myself suffi- 
 ciently recompensed by her kind compassion 
 lor what I had undergone, and declared that 
 the future happiness of my life depended 
 solely upon her. ' Sir,' said she, ' I should be 
 very ungrateful, if after the signal protection 
 you once afforded me, I should refuse to con- 
 tribute towards your happiness in any reason- 
 able condescension.' Transported at this 
 acknowledgment, I threw myself at her feet, 
 and begged she would regard my passion 
 with a favourable eye : she was alarmed at 
 my behaviour, entreated me to rise lest her 
 brother should discover me in that postm-e, 
 and to spare her for the present upon a sub- 
 ject for which she was altogether unprepared. 
 In consequence of this remonstrance, I rose, 
 assuring her I would rather die than disobey 
 her : but in the meantime begged her to con- 
 sider how precious the minutes of this oppor- 
 tunity Avcre, and what restraint I put upon 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 151 
 
 my inclinations, in sacrificing them to her 
 desire. She smiled with imspeak'able sweet- 
 ness, and said there would be no want of 
 opportunities, provided I could maintain the 
 good opinion her brother had conceived of 
 me; and I, enchanted by her charms, seized 
 her hand, which I well nigh devoured with 
 kisses. But she checked my boldness with a 
 severity of countenance, and desired I would 
 not so far forget myself to her, as to endanger 
 the esteem she had for me ; she reminded me 
 of our being almost strangers to each other, 
 and of the necessity there was for her knowing 
 me better, before she could take any reso- 
 lution in my favour ; and, in short, mingled 
 so much good sense and complacency in her 
 reproof, that I became as much enamoured of 
 her understanding as I had been before of 
 her beauty, and asked pardon for my pre- 
 sumption with the utmost reverence of con- 
 viction. She forgave my offence with her 
 usual affability, and sealed my pardon with a 
 look so full of bewitching tenderness, that, 
 for some minutes, my senses were lost in 
 ecstacy ! I afterwards endeavoured to regu- 
 late my behaviour according to her desire, 
 and turn the conversation upon a more in- 
 different subject ; Jput her presence was an 
 insurraoiintable obstacle to my design ; wliUe 
 I beheld so much excellence, I found it im- 
 possilile to call my attention from the con- 
 templation of it ! I gazed with unutterable 
 fondness ! I grew mad with admiration ! 
 'My condition is insupportable !' cried I : ' I 
 am distracted with passion ! Why are you 
 so exquisitely fair ? — why are yoii so enchant- 
 ingly good ? — why has nature dignified you 
 with charms so much above the standard of 
 woman ? and, wretch that I am, how dares 
 my unworthiness aspire to the enjoyment of 
 such perfection !' 
 
 She was startled at my ravings, reasoned 
 down my transport, and by her irresistible 
 eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of 
 tranquil felicity ; but, lest I might siiffer a re- 
 lapse, industriously promoted other subjects 
 to entertain my imagination. She chid me 
 for having omitted to inquire about her aunt, 
 who (she assured me), in the midst of all her 
 absence of temper, and detachment from com- 
 mon affairs, often talked of me with uncom- 
 mon warmth. I professed my veneration for 
 the good lady, excused my omission, by im- 
 puting it to the violence of ray love, which 
 engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know 
 the situation of her health. Upon which, the 
 amiable Narcissa repeated what I had heard 
 before of her marriage, with all the tender- 
 ness for her reiDutation that the subject would 
 admit of ; told me she lived with her husband 
 hard by, and was so much afflicted with the 
 dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that 
 she had small hopes of her recovery. Having 
 expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I 
 questioned her about my good friend, Mrs. 
 Sagel}'', who, I learned to my great satisfac- 
 tion, was still in good liealtli, and who had, 
 
 by the encomiums she bestowed upon me after 
 I was gone, confirmed the favourable impres- 
 sion my behaviour at parting had made on 
 Narcissa's heart. This circumstance intro- 
 duced an inquiry into the conduct of Sir 
 Timothy Thicket who (she informed me) had 
 found means to incense her brother so much 
 against me that she found it impossible to 
 undeceive him : but, on the contrary, suffered 
 very much in her own character by his scan- 
 dalous insinuations ; that the whole parish 
 was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me ; 
 so that she had been in the utmost conster- 
 nation on my account, well knowing how little 
 my own innocence and her testimony would 
 have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice, 
 and brutality of those who must have judged 
 me, had I been apprehended ; that Sir Timothy, 
 having been seized with a fit of apoplexy, from 
 which with great difficulty he was recovered, 
 began to be apprehensive of death, and to 
 prepare himself accordingly for that great 
 event ; as a step to which lie sent for her 
 brother, owned with great contrition the 
 brutal design he had upon her, and of con- 
 sequence acquitted me of the assault, rob- 
 bery, and correspondence with her, which he 
 had laid to my charge ; after which confession 
 he lived about a month in a languishing con- 
 dition, and was carried oft' by a second assault. 
 
 Every word that this dear creature spoke, 
 riveted the chains with which she held me 
 enslaved ! My mischievous fancy began to 
 work, and the tempest of my passion to wake 
 again, when the return of Freeman destroj'ed 
 the tempting opiDortunity, and enabled me to 
 quell tl:e rising tumult. A little while after, 
 the squire staggered into the room, rubbing 
 his eyes, and called for his tea, which he drank 
 out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy ; 
 while we took it in the usual way, Narcissa 
 left us in order to visit her aunt ; and when 
 Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, 
 the foxhunter insisted on our spending the 
 evening at his house with such obstinacy of 
 affection, that we were obliged to comply. 
 For my own part, I should have been glad of 
 the invitation, by which, in aU likelihood, I 
 should be blessed with more of his sister's 
 company, had I not been afraid of risking her 
 esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking 
 with him, which, from the knowledge of his 
 character, I foresaw would happen : but there 
 was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon the 
 strength of my constitution, which I hoped 
 would resist intoxication longer than the 
 squire's, and to trust to the good nature and 
 discretion of my mistress for the rest. 
 
 Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, 
 ordered the table to be furnished with liquor 
 and glasses immediately after tea, but we ab- 
 solutely refused to set in for drinking so soon ; 
 and prevailed upon him to pass away an hour 
 or two at whist, in which we engaged as soon 
 as Narcissa returned. The savage and I hap- 
 pened to be partners at first, and, as my 
 thoughts were -vyholly employed in a more 
 
152 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 interesting game, I played so ill that he lost 
 all patience, swore bitterly, and threatcnod to 
 call for wine, if they would not grant him 
 another associate. This desire was gratified, 
 and Narcissa and I were of a side ; he won for 
 the same reason that made him lose before ; I 
 was satisfied, my lovely partner did not re- 
 pine, and the time slipped away very agree- 
 ablj', nntil w« were told, that supper was 
 served in another room. 
 
 The squire was enraged to find the evening 
 so unprofitably spent, and wreaked his ven- 
 geance on the cards, which he tore, and com- 
 mitted to the flames with many execrations ; 
 threatening to make us redeem our loss with 
 a large glass and quick circulation ; and indeed 
 we had no sooner supped, and my charmer 
 withdrawn, than he began to put his threats 
 in execution. Three bottles of port (for he 
 drank no other sort of wine) were placed 
 before ns, with as many water glasses, which 
 were immediately filled to the brim, after his 
 example, by each out of his respective allow- 
 ance, and emptied in a trice to the best in 
 C'hristcndoiii. Though I swallowed this, and 
 the next, as fast as the glass could be re- 
 plenished, without hesitation or show of re- 
 luctance, I perceived that my brain would not 
 be able to bear many bumpers of this sort ; 
 and dreading the perseverance of a champion 
 who began with such vigour, I determined to 
 make up for the deficiency of my strength by 
 a stratagem, which I actually put in practice 
 when the second course of bottles was called 
 for. The wine being strong and head}', I was 
 already a good deal discomposed by the dis- 
 patch we had made. Freeman's eyes began 
 to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a 
 song, which he uttered with great vocife- 
 ration. When I therefore saw the second 
 round brought in, I assumed a gay air, enter- 
 tained him with a French catch on the subject 
 of drinking, which, though he did not under- 
 stand it, delighted him highly; and, telling 
 him that your choice spirits at Paris never 
 troubled themselves with glasses, asked if he 
 had not a bowl or cup in the house that would 
 contain a whole quart of wine. ' Odds nig- 
 gers !' cried he, ' i have a silver caudle cup 
 that holds just the quantity, for all the world ; 
 fetch it hither, Numps.' The vessel being 
 produced, I bade him decant his bottle into 
 it, which he having done, I nodded in a very 
 deliberate manner, and said, ' Pledge you.' 
 He stared at me for some time, and crying, 
 ' Wliat ! all at one pull, measter Randan ?' I 
 answered, ' At one puU, sir, you are no milk- 
 sop — we shall do you justice.' ' Shall you ?' 
 said he, shaking me by the hand ; ' odds then, 
 I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom. 
 Here's to our better acquaintance, measter 
 Randan.' So saying, he applied it to his lips, 
 and emptied it in a breath. I knew the eff'ect 
 of it would be almost instantaneous ; there- 
 fore, taking the cup, began to discharge my 
 bottle into it, telling him he was now quali- 
 fied to drink ^vith the Chaip of Tartary. I 
 
 had no sooner pronounced these words than 
 he took umbrage at them, and after several 
 attempts to spit, made shift to stutter out, 
 ' A f— t for your Cliams of T— Tartary ! I 
 am a f — f — freebom Englishman, worth 
 th — three thousand a-year, and v — value no 
 man, d— me.' Then, dropping his jaw, and 
 fixing his eyes, he hiceuped aloud, and fell 
 upon the floor as mute as a flounder. Mr. 
 Freeman, heartily glad at his defeat, assisted 
 me in carrying him to bed, where we left him 
 to the care of his servants, and went home to 
 our respective habitations, congratulating 
 each other on our good fortune. 
 
 CHAPTER LVII. 
 
 Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's Ap- 
 'probation of m.y Flame — I appease the Squire 
 — write to ray Mistress — am blessed with an 
 Ans^ver — beg Leare of her Brother to dance 
 vAtlo her at a Ball — obtain his Consent and 
 hers — enjoy a private Conversation with her 
 — am perplexed with Reflections — have the 
 Honour of appearinf) her Partner at a Ball 
 — we are complimented by a certain Noble- 
 man — he discovei's some Symi^toms of a Pas- 
 sion for Narcissa — lam st.ung with Jealousy 
 — Narcissa, alarmed, retires — I observe 
 Melinda in the Company — the Squire is 
 captivated by her Beauty. 
 
 I WAS met next morning at the usual place 
 by Miss Williams, who gave me joy of the 
 progress I had made in the atfection of her mis- 
 tress, and blessed me with an account of that 
 dear creature's conversation with her, after 
 she had retired the night before from our 
 company. I could scarce believe her infor- 
 mation, when she recounted her expressions 
 in my favour, so much more warm and pas- 
 sionate were they than my most sanguine 
 hopes had presaged; and was particularly 
 pleased to hear that she approved of my be- 
 haviour to her brother after she withdrew. 
 Transported at the news of my happiness, I 
 presented my ring to the messenger as a tes- 
 timony of my gratitude and satisfaction ; but 
 she was above such mercenary considerations, 
 and refused my compliment with some resent- 
 ment, saying, she was not a little mortified to 
 see my opinion of her so low and contemptible. 
 I did myself a piece of justice by explaining 
 my behaviour on this head, and to convince 
 her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her 
 directions in the prosecution of the whole 
 afi^air, which I had so much at heart, that the 
 repose of my life depended upon the conse- 
 quence. 
 
 As I fervently wished for another interview, 
 where I might pour out the effusions of my 
 love without danger of being interrupted, and 
 perhaps reap some endearing return from the 
 queen of my desires, I implored her advice 
 and assistance in promoting this event : but 
 she gave me to understand, that Narcissa 
 would make no precipitate coinj)liances of 
 
nODMlClC RANDOM. 
 
 153 
 
 this kind, and that I would do well to culti- 
 vate her brother's acquaintance, in the course 
 of which I should not want opportunities of 
 removing that reserve which my mistress 
 thought herself obliged to maintain during 
 the infancy of our correspondence. In the 
 meantime she promised to tell her lady that 
 I had endeavoured by X3resents and jiersua- 
 sions, to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to 
 deliver a letter from me, which she had re- 
 fused to charge herself with, until she should 
 know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter ; 
 and said, by these means she did not doubt 
 of being able to open a literary communica- 
 tion between us, which could not fail of 
 introducing more intimate connections. 
 
 I approved of her counsel, and, our appoint- 
 ment being renewed for the next day, left her 
 with an intent of falling upon some method 
 of being reconciled to the squire, who, I sup- 
 posed, would be offended with the trick we 
 had put upon him. With this view I con- 
 sulted Freeman, who, from his knowledge of 
 the foxhunter's disposition, assured me there 
 was no other method of pacifying him, than 
 that of sacrificing ourselves for one night to 
 an equal match with him in drinking. This 
 expedient I found myself necessitated to com- 
 ply with for the interest of my passion, and 
 therefore determined to commit the debauch 
 at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk 
 of being discovered by Narcissa in a state of 
 brutal degeneracy. Mr. Freeman, who was 
 to be of the party, went, at my desire, to the 
 squire, in order to engage him, while I took 
 care to furnish myself for his reception. My 
 invitation was accepted, my guests honoured 
 me with their company in the evening, when 
 Bruin gave me to understand that he had 
 drunk many tuns of wine in his life, but was 
 never served such a trick as I had played 
 upon him the night before. I promised to 
 atone for my trespass, and, having ordered to 
 every man his bottle, began the contest with 
 a bumper to the health of Narcissa. The 
 toasts circulated with great devotion, the 
 liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, 
 and, as Freeman and 1 had the advantage of 
 drinking small French claret, the savage was 
 effectually tamed before our senses were in 
 the least affected, and carried home in an 
 apoplexy of drunkenness. 
 
 I was next morning, as iisual, favoured 
 with a visit from my kind and punctual 
 confidante, who, telling me she was per- 
 mitted to receive my letters for her mistress, 
 I took up the pen immediately, and, follow- 
 ing the ffrst dictates of my passion, wrote as 
 follows : 
 
 ' Dear Madam, 
 
 ' Were it possible for the powers of utterance 
 to reveal the soft emotions of my soul, the 
 fond anxietj', the glowing hopes, the chilling 
 fears, that rule my breast by turns, I should 
 need no other witness than this paper, to 
 evince the purity and ardour of that flame 
 your charms have kindled in my heart. But, 
 
 alas ! expression wrongs my love ! I am in- 
 spired with conceptions that no language can 
 convey ! Your beauty fills me with wonder, 
 your understanding with ravishment, and 
 your goodness with adoration I I am trans- 
 ported with desire, distracted with doubts, 
 and tortured Avith impatience. Suffer me 
 then, lovely arbitress of my fate, to approach 
 you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my 
 passion to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a 
 heart overflowing with the most genuine and 
 disinterested love, to gaze with ecstacy on 
 the divine object of my wishes, to hear the 
 music of her enchanting tongue, and to re- 
 joice in her smiles of approbation, which will 
 banish the most intolerable suspense from the 
 bosom of 
 
 ' Your enraptured, E, — E — .' 
 
 Having finished this effusion, I committed 
 it to the care of my faithful friend, with an 
 injunction to second my entreaty with all 
 her eloquence and influence ; and in the mean- 
 time went to dress, with an intention of 
 visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had 
 utterly neglected, and indeed almost forgotten, 
 since my dear Narcissa had resumed the em- 
 pire of my soul. The old gentlewoman re- 
 ceived me very kindly, and Miss affected a 
 frankness and gaiety which, however, I could 
 easily perceive -was forced and dissembled ; 
 among other things, she pretended to joke me 
 upon my passion for Narcissa, which she 
 averred was no secret, and asked if I intended 
 to dance with her at the next assembly. I 
 was a good deal concerned to find myself 
 beconiD the town talk on this subject, lest the 
 squire, having notice of my inclinations, 
 should disapprove of thein, and, by breaking 
 oft' all correspondence with me, deprive me of 
 the opportunities I now enjoj'ed. But I re- 
 solved to use the interest I had Avitli him, 
 while it lasted ; and that very night, meet- 
 ing him occasionally, asked his permission 
 to solicit her company at the ball, which 
 he very readily granted, to my inexpressible 
 satisfaction. 
 
 Having been kept awake the greatest part 
 of the night by a thousand delightful reveries 
 that took possession of my fancy, I got up 
 by times, and, flying to tlie place of rendez- 
 vous, had in a little time the pleasure of 
 seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile 
 on her countenance, which I interpreted into 
 a good omen. Neither was I mistaken in my 
 presage. She presented me with a letter 
 from the idol of my soul, which, after having 
 kissed it devoutlj^ I oijened with the iitmost 
 eagerness, and was blessed with her api^roba- 
 tion in these terms : 
 
 ' Sir, 
 
 ' To say I look upon you with indifference 
 would he a piece of dissimulation which I 
 think no decorum requires, and no custom 
 canjustifj'. As my heart never felt an im- 
 pression that my tongue was ashamed to de- 
 cliire, I will not scruple to own mj'self pleased 
 withyourpassion; confident of your integrity, 
 
154 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 and so well convinced of my own discretion, 
 that I should not hesitate in granting you the 
 interview you desire, were I not overawed by 
 the prying curiosity of a malicious world, the 
 censure of which might be fatally prejudicial 
 to the reputation of 
 
 Your Narcissa.' 
 
 No anchorite in the ccstacy of devotion 
 ever adored a relic with more fervour than 
 that with which I kissed this inimitable proof 
 of my charmer's candour, generosity, and 
 affection ! I read it over a hundred times, 
 was ravished with her confession in the be- 
 ginning ; but the subscription of Your Nar- 
 cissa yielded me such delight as I had never 
 felt before ! My happiness was still increased 
 by Miss Williams, who blessed me with a 
 repetition of her lady's tender expressions in 
 my favour, when she received and read my 
 letter. In short, I had all the reason in the 
 world to believe that this gentle creature's 
 bosom was possessed by a j)assion for me, 
 as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous as 
 mine for her. 
 
 I informed my friend of the squire's con- 
 sent to my dancing with Narcissa at the ball, 
 and desired her to tell her mistress, that I 
 Avould do myself the honour of visiting her 
 in tlie afternoon, in consequence of his per- 
 mission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent 
 as her brother had been complaisant ia that 
 particular. Miss Williams expressed a good 
 deal of joy at hearing I was so much in 
 favour with the foxhunter, and ventured 
 to assure me, that my visit would be very agree- 
 able to my mistress, the rather because Bruin 
 was engaged to dine abroad. This was a cir- 
 cumstance which, I scarce need say, pleased 
 me. I went immediately to the Long Room, 
 where I found him, and, affecting to know 
 nothing of his engagement, told him, I would 
 do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in 
 the afternoon, and to i^resent his sister with 
 a ticket for the ball. He shook me by the 
 hand, according to custom, and, giving me to 
 understand that he was to dine abroad, de- 
 sired me to go and and drink tea with Nar- 
 cissa notwithstanding, and i^romised to pre- 
 pare her for my visit in the meantime. 
 
 Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I 
 waited with incredible impatience for the 
 time, which no sooner arrived than I hastened 
 to the scene, which my fancy had iDreoccupied 
 long before. I was introduced accordingly to 
 the dear enchantress, whom I found accom- 
 jianied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of 
 ordering tea, retired at my approach. This 
 fixvourable accident, which alarmed my whole 
 soul, disordered her also. I found myself ac- 
 tuated by an irresistiljle impulse ; I advanced 
 to her with ear/rerncss and awe ; and, profiting 
 by the confusion that prevailed over her, 
 clasped the fair angel in my arms, and im- 
 printed a glowing kiss upon her lips, more 
 soft and fragrant than the dewy rosebud just 
 bursting from the stem ! Her face was in an 
 instant covered with blushes, her eyes 
 
 sparkled ■^^dth resentment ; 1 threw my- 
 self at her feet, and implored her pardon. 
 Her love became advocate in my cause ; liei 
 look softened into forgiveness ; she raised me ' 
 up, and chid me with so much sweetness of 
 displeasm-e, thati should have been tempted 
 to repeat the ofl'ence, had not the coming ini 
 of the servant with the tea-board prevented 
 my presumption. While we were subject to 
 be interrupted or overlieard, wo conversed 
 about the approaching ball, at which shec 
 promised to grace me as a partner ; but, whenii' 
 the equipage was removed, and we werec 
 left alone, I resumed the more interesting; 
 theme, and expressed myself with such trans- i^ 
 port and agitation, that my mistress, fearing,'' 
 I should commit some extravagance, rang the ; 
 bell for her maid, whom she detained in the ■ 
 room, as a check upon my vivacity. I was -, 
 not sorry for this precaution, because I could 1 
 unbosom myself without reserve before Miss ^ 
 Williams, who was the confidante of us both. , 
 I therefore gave a loose to the inspirations of ( 
 my passion, which operated so successfully 
 upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that 
 she laid £^side the constraint she had hitherto • 
 worn, and blessed me with the most melting 
 declaration of her mutual flame ! It Avas im- 
 possible for me to forbear taking the advan- 
 tage of this endearing condescension. She 
 now gently yielded to my embraces : Avhile I, 
 encircling all that I held dear within my arms, 
 tasted in advance the joys of that paradise I 
 hoped in a little time wliolly to possess ! We 
 spent the afternoon in all the ecstacy of hope 
 that the most fervent love exchanged by mu- 
 tual vows could inspire ; and Miss Williams 
 was so much affected with our chaste caresses, 
 which recalled the sad remembrance of what 
 she was, that her eyes were filled with 
 tears. 
 
 The evening being pretty far advanced, I 
 forced myself from the dear object of my 
 flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace 
 at parting, and, repairing to my lodgings, 
 communicated to my friend Strap every cir- 
 cumstance of my happiness, which filled him 
 with so much pleasure, that it ran over at his 
 eyes ; and he prayed heartily, that no envious 
 devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of 
 blessing from my lip. When I reflected on 
 what had happened, and especially on the un- 
 reserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I 
 could not help being y^mazed at her omitting 
 to inqjiire into the particular circumstances 
 of life and fortune of one Avhom she had fa- 
 voured with her affection, and I began to bo 
 a little anxious about the situation of her 
 finances ; well knowing that I slioidd do an 
 irreparable injury to the person my soul held 
 most dear, if I should espouse her without 
 being able to support her in the rank which 
 was certainly her due. I had heard, indeed, 
 while I served her aunt, that her father had 
 left her a considerable sum; and that every- 
 body believed she v/ould inherit the greatest 
 part of licr kinswoman's dowry, but I did not 
 
BODEPJCK BANVOM. 
 
 155 
 
 know how far she might be restricted by the 
 old g-entleman'swillinthe enjoyment of what 
 he left her: and I was too well informed of 
 jthe virtuoso's lato conduct, to think my mis- 
 stress could have any expectation from that 
 I quarter. I confided, however, in the good 
 sense and policy of my charmer, who, I %vas 
 sure, would not consent to unite her fate with 
 mine, before she had fully considered and 
 provided for the consequence. 
 
 The ball night being arrived, I dressed my- 
 self in a suit I had reserved for some grand 
 occasion ; and, having drunk tea with Nar- 
 pissa and her brother, conducted my angel to 
 the scene, where she, in a moment, eclipsed 
 all her female competitors for beauty, and at- 
 tracted the admiration of the whole assembly. 
 My heart dilated with prideonthisoccasion,and 
 my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after we 
 had danced together, a certain nobleman, re- 
 markable for his figure, and influence in the 
 heau monde, came up, and in the hearing of 
 all present, honoured us with a very particu- 
 lar compliment upon our accomplishments 
 and appearance ; but this transport was soon 
 checked, when I perceived his lordship attach 
 himself with great assiduity to my mistress, 
 and say some warm things, which, I thought, 
 I savoured too much of passion. It was then 
 il began to feel the pangs of jealousy; I 
 I dreaded the power and address of my rival; 
 i I sickened at his discoirrse ; when she opened 
 her lips to answer, my heart died within me ; 
 when she smiled, I felt the pains of the 
 damned ! I was enraged at his presumption : 
 I cursed her complaisance : at length he 
 quitted her, and went to the other side of 
 the room. Narcissa, suspecting nothing of 
 the rage that inflamed me, put some questions 
 to me as soon as he was gone, to which I 
 made no reply, but assumed a gTim look, 
 which too well denoted the agitation of my 
 breast, and surprised her not a little. She no 
 sooner observed my emotion than she changed 
 colour, and asked what ailed me ? but before 
 I could make answer, her brother, puUing me 
 by the sleeve, bade me take notice of a lady 
 who sat fronting us, whom I immediately, to 
 my vast astonishment, distinguished to be 
 Melinda, accompanied by her mother, and an 
 elderly gentleman, whom I did not know. 
 ' Wounds ! Mr. Eandan,' cried the squire, ' is 
 she not a delicate piece of stuff? 'Sdeath! 
 I have a good mind — if I thought she was a 
 single person.' 
 
 Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I 
 had reflection enough to foresee that my pas- 
 sion might suffer greatly by the presence of 
 this lady, who, in all probability, would re- 
 venge herself upon me, for having formerly 
 disgraced her, by spreading reports to my 
 prejudice. I was therefore alarmed at these 
 symptoms of the Squire's admiration; and 
 for some time did not know what reply to 
 make, when he asked my opinion of her 
 beauty ; at length I came to a determination, 
 and told him that her name was Melinda. 
 
 that she had a fortune 'of ten thousand 
 pounds, and was said to be raider promise of 
 marriage to a certain lord, who deferred his 
 nuptials a few months until he should be of 
 age. I thought this piece of intelhgence, 
 which I had myself invented, would have 
 hindered him elfectually from entertaining 
 any further thoughts of her ; but I was egre- 
 giously mistaken. The foxhunter had too 
 much self-sufficiency to despair of success 
 against any competitor on earth. He there- 
 fore made light of her engagement, saying, 
 with a smile of self-approbation, 'Mayhap 
 she will change her mind ; what signifies his 
 being a lord ? I think myself as good a man 
 as e'er a lord in Christendom, and I'll see if 
 a commoner worth three thousand a year 
 won't serve her turn.' This determination 
 startled mo not a little; I knew he would 
 soon discover the contrary of what I ad- 
 vanced ; and, as I believed he would find her 
 ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of 
 meeting with every obstacle in my amour 
 that her malice could invent, and her in- 
 fluence execute. This reflection increased my 
 chagrin — my vexation was evident. Narcissa 
 insisted on going home immediately : and, as 
 I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with 
 a look full of languishment, directed to her a 
 profound bow, which stung me to tho soul. 
 Before she went into the chair, she asked, 
 with an appearance of concern, what was tho 
 matter with me ? and I could pronounce no 
 more than ' By heaven, I am distracted ! ' 
 
 CHAPTER LVIII. 
 
 Tortured with Jealousy , I go Home, and cdiuse 
 Strap — receive a Message from Narcissa, in 
 Conseqxience of whicli I hasten to her Apart- 
 ment, where her endearing Assurances hanisli 
 all my Doubts and Apprehensions — in my 
 Retreat discover Somebody in the Dark, 
 whom, suspecting to be a Spy, I resolve to 
 hill ; but, to ony great Surprise, am con- 
 vinced of his being no other than Strap — 
 Melinda slanders me — I become acquainted 
 with Lord Quiverwit, wlio endeavours io 
 sound me vntli regard to Narcissa — the 
 Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and 
 gro^vs cold towards me — I learn from my 
 Confidante, that this Nobleman professes 
 honourable Love to my Mistress, who con- 
 tinues faithful to me, notivithstanding the 
 scandcdoiis Reports she had heard to my 
 Prejudice — I am moriified with an Assur- 
 ance that her ichole Fortune depends upon 
 the Pleasure of her Brother — 3Ir. Freeman 
 condoles me on the Decline of my Character, 
 which I vindicate so much to his satisfac- 
 tion, that he undertakes to combat Fame in 
 my behalf. 
 
 HAVING uttered this exclamation, at 
 which she sighed, I went home in tho 
 condition of a frantic Bedlamite : and, finding 
 tho fire in my apartment almost extinguished, 
 
15G 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 vented my fury itpon poor Strap, whose ear I 
 pinched v/ith such violenco, that he roared 
 hideously with pain ; and, when I quitted my 
 hold, looked so foolishly aghast, that no un- 
 conconiel spectator could have scon him 
 without being seized with an immoderate fit 
 of laughter. It is true, I was soon sensible of 
 the injury I had done, and asked pardon for 
 the outrage I had committed ; upon which 
 my faitliful valet, shaking his head, said, ' I 
 forgive you, and may God forgive you !' But 
 he could not help shedding somo tears at my 
 unkindness. I felt iinspeakable remorse for 
 what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, 
 and considered his tears as a reproach that 
 my soul, in its present disturbance, could not 
 bear. It set all my passions into a ferment : 
 I swore horrible oaths without meaning or 
 application. I foamed at the mouth, kicked 
 the chairs about the room, and played abun- 
 dance of mad pranks that frightened my friend 
 almost out of his senses. At length my 
 transport subsided, I become melancholy, 
 and wept insensibly. 
 
 During this state of dejection, I was sur- 
 prised with the appearance of Miss Williams, 
 whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had 
 conducted into the chamber without giving 
 me previous notice of her approach. She 
 was extremely affected with my condition, 
 which she had learned from him, begged me to 
 moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, 
 and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see 
 me forthwith. That dear name operated upon 
 me like a charm ! I started up, and, without 
 opening my lips, was conducted into her 
 apartment through the garden, which wo en- 
 tered by a private door. I found the adorable 
 creature in tears ; I was melted at the sight — 
 Ave continued silent for some time — my heart 
 was too fall to speak — her snowy bosom 
 heaved with fond resentment ; at last she 
 sobbing cried, ' What have I done to disoblige 
 you ? ' My heai-t was pierced with the tender 
 question. I drew near with the utmost re- 
 verence of affection. I fell upon my knees 
 before her, and, kissing her hand, exclaimed, 
 ' Oh ! thou art all goodness and perfection ! I 
 am undone by want of merit ; I am unworthy 
 to possess thy charms, which heaven hath de- 
 stined for the arms of some more favourite 
 being.' She guessed the cause of my disquiet, 
 upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and 
 gave me such flattering assurances of her 
 eternal fidelity, that all my doubts and fears 
 forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned 
 within my breast. 
 
 At midnight I left the fair nymph to her 
 repose, and, being lot out by Miss Williams at 
 the garden gate by which I entered, began to 
 explore my way homeward in the dark, when 
 I heard at my back a noise like that of a ba- 
 boon when he mews and chatters. I turned 
 instantly, and, perceiving something black, 
 concluded I was discovered by some spy, em- 
 ployed to watch for that purpose ; aroused 
 at this conjecture, by which the reputation of 
 
 \ 
 
 the virtuous Narcissa appeared in jeopardy, 
 drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him 
 to her fame, had not the voice of Strap re- 
 strained my arm ; it was with great difficulty 
 he could pronounce, ' D — d — d — do ! mum — 
 um — um — murder me if you please.' Such 
 an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his 
 teeth rattled like a pair of castanets. Pleased 
 to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his con- 
 sternation , and asked what brought him thi- 
 ther ? Upon which he gave me to understand, 
 that his concern for me had induced him to 
 follow me to that place, where the same rea- 
 son had detained him till now, and he frankly 
 owned, that, in spite of the esteem he had for 
 Miss Williams, he began to be very uneasy 
 about me, considering the disposition in which 
 I went abroad ; and, if I had stayed much 
 longer, would certainly have alarmed the 
 neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge 
 of this his intention confounded me. I repre- 
 sented to him the mischievous consequences 
 that would have attended such a rash action, 
 and, cautioning him severely against any such 
 design for the future, concluded my admoni- 
 tion, with an assurance, that, in case he should 
 ever act so madly, I would, without hesitation, 
 put him to death. ' Have a little patience,' 
 cried he, in a lamentable tone ; ' your displea- 
 sure will do the business, without your com- 
 mitting murder.' I was touched with this 
 reproach ; and, as soon as we got home, made 
 it my business to appease him, by explaining 
 the cause of that transport during which I 
 had used him so unworthily. 
 
 Next day when I went into the Long Room, 
 I observed several whispers circulate all of a 
 sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had 
 been busy with my character ; but I consoled 
 myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which 
 I rested with the most perfect confidence ; 
 and going up to the rowly-powly table, won a 
 fow pieces from my suspected rival, who, with 
 an easy politeness, entered into conversation 
 with me, and, desiring my company to the 
 coffee-house, treated me with tea and choco- 
 late. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded 
 against his insinuating behaviour; nor was 
 my suspicion wrong placed ; he artfully turned 
 the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured 
 by hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be 
 engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connec- 
 tion there was between her and me. But all 
 his finesse was ineffectual ; I was convinced 
 of his dissimulation, and gave such general 
 answers to his inquiries, that he was forced 
 to drop the subject, and talk of something 
 else. 
 
 While we conversed in this manner, the 
 savage came in with another gentleman, who 
 introduced him to his lordship ; and he was 
 received with such peculiar marks of distinc- 
 tion, that I was persuaded the courtier in- 
 tended to use him in some shape or other; 
 and from thence I drew an iinlucky omen. 
 But I had more cause to be dismayed the fol- 
 lowing day, when I saw the squire in company 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 157 
 
 with Melinda and her mothei', who honoured 
 '■ me with several disdainful glances ; and when 
 I I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead 
 
 ■ of the cordial shake of the hand, he returned 
 my salute with a cold repetition of ' Servant, 
 
 ■ servant ! ' which he pronounced with such in- 
 difference, or rather contempt, that if he had 
 
 ■ not been Narcissa's brother, I should have 
 
 ■ affronted him in public. 
 
 These occurrences disturbed me not a.little ; 
 I foresaw the brooding storm, and armed my- 
 
 ■ self with resolution for the occasion ; but 
 ' Narcissa being at stake, I was far from being 
 
 resigned. I could have renounced every other 
 
 comfort of life with some degree of fortitude ; 
 
 ' but the prospect of losing her disabled all 
 
 ■ my philosophy, and tortured my soul into 
 madness. 
 
 ; Miss Williams found me, next morning, full 
 ' of anxious tumult, which did not abate when 
 
 ■ she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having 
 professed honourable intentions, had been in- 
 troduced to my lovely mistress by her bro- 
 ther, who had at the same time, from the 
 information of Melinda, spoken of me as an 
 Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or 
 estate ; who supported myself in the appear- 
 ance of a gentleman by sharping and other 
 infamous practices ; and who was of such an 
 obscure origin, that I did not even know my 
 own extraction. Though I expected all this 
 malice, I could not hear it with temper, 
 especially as truth was so blended with false- 
 hood in the assertion, that it would be almost 
 impossible' to separate the one from the other 
 in my vindication. But I said nothing on 
 this head, being impatient to know how 
 Narcissa had been affected with the discovery. 
 That generous creature, far from believing 
 these imprecations, was no sooner withdrawn 
 with her confidante, than she inveighed with 
 great warmth against the malevolence of the 
 world, to which only she ascribed the whole 
 of what had been said to my disadvantage ; 
 and, calling every circumstance of my be- 
 haviour to her into review before her, found 
 everything so polite, honourable, and dis- 
 interested, that she could not harbour the 
 least doubt of my being the gentleman I 
 assumed. ' I have indeed,' said she, ' pur- 
 posely forborne to ask the particulars of his 
 
 i life, lest the recapitulation of some misfor- 
 tunes, which he has undergone, should give 
 him pain ; and, as to the article of his fortune, 
 I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into 
 it, and of discovering the state of my own, 
 lest we should find ourselves both unhappy 
 in the explanation ; for, alas ! my provision ■ 
 is conditional, and depends entirely on my 
 marrying with my brother's consent.' 
 
 I was thunderstruck with this intelligence , 
 the light forsook my eyes, the colour vanished 
 from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of 
 universal trepidation ! My female friend, 
 perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with 
 assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the 
 hope of some accident favourable to our love ; 
 
 and, as a further consolation, gave mo to 
 understand, that she had acquainted my 
 mistress with the outlines of my life : and 
 that, although she was no stranger to the 
 present low state of my finances, her love 
 and esteem were rather increased than di- 
 minished by the knowledge of my circum- 
 stances. I was greatly comforted by this 
 assurance, which saved me a world of con- 
 fusion and anxiety ; for I must have imparted 
 my situation one day to Narcissa, and this 
 task I could not have performed without 
 shame and disorder. 
 
 As I did not doubt that by this time the 
 scandalous aspersions of Melinda were dif- 
 fused all over the town, I resolved to collect 
 my whole strength of assurance, to browbeat 
 the efforts of her malice, and to publish her 
 adventure with the frenchified barber by way 
 of reprisal. In the meantime, having pro- 
 mised to be at the garden-gate about mid- 
 night. Miss Williams took her leave, bidding 
 me repose myself entirely on the affection of 
 my dear Narcissa, which was as perfect as 
 inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was 
 visited by Freeman, Avho came on purpose to 
 inform me of the infamous stories that were 
 raised at my expense. I heard them with great 
 temper, and in my turn disclosed everything 
 that had happened between Melinda and me ; 
 and among other circumstances entertained 
 him with the story of the barber, letting hiin 
 know what share his friend Banter had in 
 that affair. He was convinced of the injury 
 my reputation had suffered ; and, no longer 
 doubting the fountain from whence this de- 
 luge of slander had flowed upon me, under- 
 took to undeceive the town in my behalf, and 
 roll the stream back upon its source ; but in 
 the meantime, cautioned me from appearing 
 in public, while the prepossession was so 
 strong against me, lest I should meet with 
 some affront that might have bad conse- 
 quences. 
 
 CHAPTER LIX. 
 
 I receive an extraordinary Message at (he 
 Door of the Long Room, which I, however, 
 enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens 
 to take the Law of me — Rehul;e Melinda for 
 her Malice — she weeps ivith Vexation — Lord 
 Quiverwit is severe upon me — I retort Ids 
 Sarcasm — am received vjith the utmost Ten- 
 derness hij Narcissa, tvho desires to hear the 
 Story of my Life — ive vow eternal Constancy 
 to each other — J retire — am waksd ly a 
 Messenger, who brings a Challenge from 
 Quiverwit, ivhom I meet, engage, and 
 vanquish. 
 
 I THANKED him for his advice, which, 
 however, my pride and resentment would 
 not permit me to follow ; for he no sooner 
 left me, in order to do justice to my character 
 among his friends and acquaintance, than I 
 sallied out, and went directly to the Long 
 Room. I wag met at the door by a servant. 
 
158 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 f 
 
 who presented a billet to me without a sub- 
 scription, importing that my presence was 
 disagreeable to the company, and desiring I 
 would take the hint without further dis- 
 turbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for 
 the future. This pererai)tory message filled 
 me witli indignation. I followed the feUow 
 who delivered it, and, seizing him by the 
 collar in presence of all the company, 
 threatened to put him instantly to death, if 
 he did not discover the scoundrel who had 
 charged him with such an impudent commis- 
 sion, that I might punish him as he deserved. 
 The messenger, affrighted at my menaces 
 and furious looks, fell upon his knees, and 
 told me, that the gentleman who ordered him 
 to deliver the letter was no other than 
 Narcissa's brother, who, at that time, stood 
 at the other end of the room, talking to 
 Melinda. I went up to him immediately, 
 and in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted 
 him in these words ; ' Lookee, squire, were 
 it not for one consideration that protects you 
 from my resentment, I would cane you 
 where you stand, for having had the 
 presumption to send me this scurrilous 
 intimation ; ' which I tore to pieces and 
 threw in his face : at the same time darting 
 an angry regard at his mistress, I told her, I 
 was sorry she had put it out of my power to 
 compliment her upon her invention, but at 
 the expense of her good nature and veracity. 
 Her admirer, whose courage never rose, but 
 in proportion to the wine he had swallowed, 
 instead of resenting my address in what is 
 called an honourable way, threatened to pro- 
 secute me for an assault, and took witnesses 
 accordingly : while she, piqued at his pusil- 
 lanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sar- 
 casm I had uttered against her, endeavoured 
 to make her quarrel a public cause, and wept 
 aloud with spite and vexation. 
 
 The tears of a lady could not fail of attract- 
 ing the notice and concern of the spectators, 
 to whom she complained of my rudeness with 
 great bitterness, saying, if she were a man, I 
 durst not use her so. The greatest part of 
 the gentlemen, already prejudiced against 
 me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, 
 as appeared from their looks ; though none 
 of them signified their disgust any other way, 
 except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to 
 say, with a sneer, that I was in the right to 
 establish my own character, of which he had 
 now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this 
 severe equivoque, which raised a laugh at my 
 expense, I replied with some warmth, ' I am 
 proud of having in that particular got the 
 start of your lordship.' He made no answer 
 to my repartee, but with a contemptuous 
 smile walked off, leaving me in a very dis- 
 agreeable situation. In vain did I make up 
 to several people of my acquaintance, whose 
 conversation, I hoped, would banish my con- 
 fusion ; everybody shiinned me like a person 
 infected, and I should not have been able to 
 bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the 
 
 ever faithful and fond Narcissa come to my 
 relief. I quitted the scene of my mortifica- 
 tion, and, sauntering about the town, hap- 
 pened to wake from my contemplation, when 
 I found myself just opposite to a toy-sliop, 
 which I entered, and purchased a ring set 
 with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded 
 by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten 
 guineas, iiitending it for a present to the 
 charmer of my soul. 
 
 I was introduced, at the hour appointed, 
 to this divine creature, who, notwithstanding 
 what she had heard to my disadvantage, re- 
 ceived me with the utmost confidence and 
 tenderness ; and, having been informed of 
 the general sketches of my life by Miss 
 Williams, expressed a desire of knowing 
 the particular circumstances, which I re- 
 lated with great candour, omitting, how- 
 ever, some things which I concluded alto- 
 gether improper for her ear, and which the 
 reader's reflection will easUy suggest. As 
 my story was little else than a recital of mis- 
 fortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to 
 trickle from her enchanting eyes during the 
 whole of the narration, which, when I had 
 finished, she recompensed me for my trouble 
 with the most endearing protestations of 
 eternal love. She bewailed her restricted 
 condition, as it was the means of retarding 
 my happiness ; told me that Lord Quiverwit, 
 by her brother's permission, had been to 
 drink tea with her that very afternoon, and 
 actually proposed marriage ; and, seeing mo 
 extremely affected with this piece of informa- 
 tion, offered to give me a convincuig i^roof of 
 her affection, by espousing mo in private, 
 and leaving the rest to fate. I was pene- 
 trated with this instance of her regard, but, . 
 that I might not be outdone in generosity, I 
 resisted the bewitching temptation in con- ' 
 sideration of her honour and interest ; at the 
 same time I presented my ring as a pledge ] 
 of my inviolable attaclunent, and, on my ] 
 knees, implored Heaven to shower its curses I 
 on my head, if ever my heart should enter- \ 
 tain one thought unworthy of the passion I 
 then avowed. She received my token, gave 
 me in return her picture in miniature, exqui- 
 sitely drawn and set in gold; and, in the 
 same posture, called Heaven to witness and 
 to judge her flame. Our vows being thus 
 reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope 
 ensued, and our mutual fondness becoming 
 as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew 
 insensible of the progress of time, and it was 
 morning before I coiild tear myself from this 
 darling of my soul ! My good angel foresaw 
 what would happen, and permitted me to 
 indulge myself on this occasion, in considera- 
 tion of the fatal absence I was doomed to 
 suffer. 
 
 I went to bed immediately on my retiu-n 
 to my lodging, and, having slept about two 
 hours, was waked by Strap, who in great 
 confusion told me there was a footman below 
 with a letter, which he would deliver to 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 m 
 
 nobody but myself. Alarmed at this piece 
 of news, I desired my friend to show him np 
 to my chamber, and received the following 
 letter, which, he said, reqviired an immediate 
 answer : 
 
 ' Sir, — -Wlien any man injures my honour, 
 let the difference of rank between us be ever 
 so great, I am contented to wave the privi- 
 lege of my quality, and to seek reparation 
 from him on equal terms. The insolence of 
 your reply to me yesterday, in the Long 
 Room, I might have overlooked, had not your 
 presumptive emulation in a much more in- 
 teresting affair, and a discovery which I made 
 this morning, concurred in persuading me to 
 chastise you.r audacity with my sword. If 
 you therefore have spirit enough to support 
 the character you assume, you will not faO. 
 to follow the bearer immediately to a con- 
 venient place, where you shall be met by 
 
 ' QUIVEBWIT.' 
 
 Whether I was enervated by the love and 
 favour of Narcissa, or awed by the superior 
 ■ station of my antagonist, I know not, but I 
 never had less inclination to fight than at 
 this time. However, finding there was a ne- 
 cessity for vindicating the reputation of my 
 mistress, as well as for asserting my own 
 honour, I forthwith rose, and, dressing in a 
 hurry, put on my sword, bade Strap attend 
 me, and set out with my conductor, cursing 
 my bad fortune all the way, for having been 
 observed in my return from my angel ; for so 
 I interpreted his lordship's discovery. Wlien 
 I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey 
 told me he had orders to stop ; upon which I 
 commanded Strap to halt also, while I Avalked 
 forward ; resolving, if possible, to come to 
 an explanation with my challenger, before we 
 should come to battle. Nor was an oppor- 
 tunity wanting ; for I no sooner approached 
 than he asked, with a stern countenance, 
 what business I had in Mr. Topehall's garden 
 so early in the morning ? ' I don't know, my 
 lord,' said I, ' how to answer a question put 
 to me with such magisterial haiightiness. If 
 your lordship will please to expostulate calmly, 
 you will have no cause to repent of your con- 
 descension ; otherwise I am not to be intimi- 
 dated into any confession.' ' There is no 
 room for denial,' answered he ; 'I saw you 
 come out with my o^\ti eyes.' ' Did any other 
 person see me ? ' said I. ' I neither know 
 nor care,' said he ; 'I want no other evidence 
 than that of my own senses.' Pleased to hear 
 that the suspicion was confined to him alone, 
 I endeavoured to appease his jealousy, by 
 owning an intrigue with the waiting maid : 
 but he had too much discernment to be so 
 easily imposed upon, and told mo there was 
 only one way to convince him of the truth of 
 what I alleged, which was no other than re- 
 nouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, 
 and promising, upon honour, never to speak 
 to her for the future. Exasperated at this 
 proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying, 
 'Heavens ! what title have yon. or any man 
 
 on earth, tp impose such terms on me ? ' He 
 
 did the same, and making towards me with a 
 contracted brow, said I was a villain, and had 
 dishonoured Narcissa. ' He's a scandalous 
 villain,' I replied, in a transport of fury, ' who 
 brands me with that imputation ! She is a 
 thousand times more chaste than the mother 
 that bore you ; and I will assert her honour 
 with my heart's blood ! ' So saying, I rushed 
 upon hini with more eagerness than address, 
 and, endeavouring to get within his point, 
 received a wound in my neck, which redoubled 
 my rage. He excelled me in temper as well 
 as in skill, by which means he parried my 
 thrusts with great calmness, untU I had almost 
 exhausted my spirits ; and, when he perceived 
 me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in 
 his turn. Finding himself, however, better 
 opposed than he expected, he resolved to 
 follow his lounge, and close with me ; accord- 
 inglj^, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the 
 side of the breast bone, and, running up be- 
 tween my shirt and skin, appeared over my 
 left shoulder. I imagined that his weapon 
 had perforated my lungs, and of consequence 
 that the wound was mortal ; therefore, deter- 
 mined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell, 
 Avhich was close to my breast, before he 
 could disentangle his point, and, keeping it 
 fast with my left hand, shortened my own 
 sword with my right, iikending to run him 
 through the heart ; but he received the thrust 
 in the left arm, which penetrated up to the 
 shoulder blade. Disappointed in this expec- 
 tation, and afraid still that death would frus- 
 trate my revenge, I grappled with him, and, 
 being much the stronger, threw him upon the 
 ground, where I wrested his sword out of his 
 hand, and, so great was my confusion, instead 
 of turning the point upon him, struck out 
 three of his foreteeth with the hilt. In the 
 meantime, our servants, seeing us fall, ran up 
 to separate and assist us ; but before their 
 approach I was upon my feet, and had dis- 
 covered that my supposed mortal wound was 
 only a slight scratch. The knowledge of my 
 own safety disarmed me of a good deal of my 
 resentment, and I began to inquire with some 
 concern into the situation of my antagonist, 
 who remained on the ground bleeding plenti- 
 fully at his mouth and arm. I helped his 
 footman to raise him, and, having bound up 
 his wound with my handkerchief, assured 
 him it was not dangerous ; I likewise restored 
 his sword, and offered to support him to his 
 house. He thanked me with an air of sullen 
 dignity : and whispering that I should hear 
 from him soon, went away, leaning on his 
 servant's ehoulcler. 
 
 I was sm-prised at this promise, which I con- 
 strued into a threat, and resolved, if ever he 
 should call me out again, to use whatever ad- 
 vantage fortune might give me over him in 
 another manner. In the meantime, I had 
 leisure ta take noticfe ot Sti-ap, whft seemed 
 quite stupified with horror : I comforted him 
 with an assurance that I had received no 
 
IGO 
 
 nODBRICK BANDOM. 
 
 damage, and explained the nature of this 
 affair as we walked homeward. By the time 
 I had got into my apartment, I found the 
 wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a 
 good deal of clotted blood ran do\\Ti upon my 
 shirt ; upon which I pulled off my coat and 
 waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I 
 might dress it with more ease. My friend no 
 sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with 
 blood, than, imagining I had got at least 
 twenty thousand wounds, he cried, ' O Jesus I ' 
 and fell flat on the floor. I stopped the bleed- 
 ing with a little dry lint, and, applying a 
 plaster over it, cleaned myself from the gore, 
 shifted, and dres.sed, while he lay senseless at 
 my feet, so that when he recovered, and saw 
 me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his 
 own eyes. Now that the danger was passed, 
 I was very well pleased with what had hap- 
 pened, hoping that it would soon become 
 known, and consequently dignify my character 
 not a little in this place. I was also proud of 
 liaving shown myself, in some shape, worthy 
 of thn love of Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, 
 would not think the worse of me for what I 
 had done. 
 
 CHAPTER LX. 
 
 I am visited 61/ Frecriian, withwiiom I appear 
 in Pahlic, and am caressed — am sent for hij 
 Lord Qaivcrn-it, wlwse Presence I quit in a 
 Passion — yarcissa is carried cjfhy her Bry 
 titer — / intend to pursue him, and am dis- 
 suaded by m]i Friend — oij/nfyc in Play, and 
 lose nil my Money — set ont/or London — try 
 my Fortune at the Gnminy Table without 
 Success — receive a Letter J'ram Narcissa — 
 bilk my Tailor. 
 
 WHILE I entertained myself with these 
 reflections, the news of the duel, being 
 communicated by some unknown channel, 
 spread all over the town. I was visited by 
 Freeman, who testified his surprise at finding 
 me ; for he was told, that Lord Quivcrwit 
 being dead of his wounds, I IiikI absconded, 
 in order to avoid the cognizance of the law. 
 I asked, if people guessed the occasion of 
 the quarrel ; anil, understanding it was attri- 
 buted to his lordship's resentment of my 
 reply in the Long Room, confirmed tliat con- 
 jecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected. 
 My friend, after I had assured him that my 
 antagonist was in no danger, wished me 
 joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing 
 could happen more opportunely to support 
 the idea he had given of my character to his 
 friends, among whom he had been very assi- 
 duous in my behalf. 
 
 On the strength of this assurance, I wont 
 Avith him to the coffee-houso, where I was 
 saluted by a great many of those very jiersons 
 who liad shunned me the preceding day ; and 
 I found evorybody making merry with the 
 story of Melinda's French gallant. While I 
 remained in this place, I received a message 
 
 from Lord Quivcrwit, desiring, if I were not 
 engaged, to see me at his house. 
 
 Thither I immediately repaired, and was 
 conducted to an apartment where I was re- 
 ceived by his lordship in bed. "When we were 
 left by ourselves, he thanked me in vei-y 
 polite terms for having used the advantage 
 fortune had given mo over him with such 
 moderation, and asked pardon for .any offence 
 his resentment might liave prompted him to 
 commit. ' I would willinglj',' said he, ' make 
 you my friend ; but, as it is impossible for 
 me to divest myself of my passion for Nar- 
 cissa, I am too well convinced of your senti- 
 ments, to thiidv we shall ever agree on that 
 subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of 
 sending for j'ou, in order to own candidly, 
 that I cannot help opposing your success 
 with that young lady ; though, at the same 
 time, I promise to regulate my opposition by 
 the dictates of justice and honour. This, 
 however, I think proper to advertise you of, 
 that she has no independent fortune ; and, if 
 you should even succeed in your addresses, 
 you will have the mortification to see her re- 
 duced to indigence, unless you have Vihere- 
 withal to support her — and I am credibly 
 informed of your incapacity that way — nay, 
 I will confess, tliat, urged by this considera- 
 tion, I have actually sent notice to her bro- 
 ther of the progress I suspect you have made 
 in her affection, and desired him to take his 
 precautions accordingly.' Alarmed and pro- 
 voked at this information, I told his lord- 
 ship, that I did not see how ho could recon- 
 cile that piece of conduct with his profession 
 of open dealing, and flung away from him in 
 a passion. 
 
 As I walked homeward, in liopc of hearing 
 from my mistress ivs usual by means of Miss 
 Williams, I was surprised with the waving of 
 a liandkerchicf from the window of a coach- 
 and-six that passed by me at full speed ; and 
 upon further observation, I saw a servant on 
 horseback riding after it, who, I knew by his 
 livery, belonge<l to the squire. Thunderstruck 
 with this discovery, the knowledgeof my mi.s- 
 fortuno rushed all at once upon my refleiition ! 
 I guessed immediately that the signal was 
 nnulc by the dear hand of Narcissa, who, be- 
 ing hurried away in consc(iuence of Lord 
 Qiiiverwit's message to her brother, liad no 
 other method of relating her distress, and 
 imploring my assistance. Frantic with this 
 conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my 
 pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses, 
 with such incoherence of speech and disorder, 
 tliat the poor valet, terrified with the sus- 
 picion of another duel, instead of providing 
 what I desired, went forthAvith to Freeman, 
 wlio, being informed of my behaviour, came 
 straight to my apartment, and conjured me 
 so pathetically to make him acquainted witli 
 the cause of my uneasiness, that I could not 
 refuse tolling him my happiness was fled with 
 Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or 
 perish. He represented the madness of such 
 
RODERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 161 
 
 an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert 
 me from it witli ^-eat strength of friendship 
 and reason. But all his arg^iiments would 
 have been inett'ectual, had he not put me in 
 mind of the dependence I ought to have on 
 tho lovo of Narcissa, and the attachment of 
 her maid, who could not fail of finding oppor- 
 tunities to advertise mo of their situation ; 
 and at the same timo demonstrated the in- 
 jury my charmer's reputation must suffer 
 from my precipitate retreat. I was convinced 
 and composed by these considerations : I ap- 
 peared iu public with an air of tranquillity, 
 was well received by the best company in 
 town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled 
 accordingly : while I had the satisfaction of 
 seeing Melinda ro universally discountenanced 
 that she was fain .to return to London, in ■ 
 order to avoid the scoffs and censuro of the 
 ladies at Bath. But, though the hope of hear- 
 ing from the darling of my soul supported 
 my spirits a littlo while, I began to be very 
 imeasy, when, at the end of several weeks, 
 1 found that expectation disappointed. In 
 short, melancholy and despondence took pos- 
 session of my soul ; and, repining at that 
 providence which, by acting the stepmother 
 towards me, kept mo from the fruition of my 
 wishes. I determined, in a fit of despair, to 
 risk all I had at the gaming table, with a 
 view of acquiring a fortune sufficient to render 
 mo independent for life ; or of plunging my- 
 self into such a state of miscrj', as would 
 effectually crush every ambitious hope that 
 now tortured my imagination. 
 
 Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged 
 in play, and, after some turns of fortune, 
 found myself, at the end of three days, worth 
 a thousand pounds ; but it was not my inten- 
 tion to stop there, for which cause I kept 
 Strap ignorant of my success, and continued 
 my career until I was reduced to five guineas, 
 ■which I would have hazarded also, had I not 
 been ashamed to fall from a bet of two hun- 
 dred pounds to such a petty sum. 
 
 Having thus executed my scheme, I wont 
 home, amaaed to find myself so much at case, 
 and informed my friend Strap of my mis- 
 chance mth such calmness, that he, imagining 
 I joked, affected to receive the tidings with 
 great oquanimitj-. But both he and I found 
 ourselves mistaken very soon. I had misin- 
 terpreted my own stupidity into deliberate 
 resignation, and he had reason to believe me 
 in earnest when ho saw mo next morning 
 agitated with the most violent despair, which 
 he endeavoured to alleviate with all the con- 
 solation in his power. 
 
 In one of my lucid intervals, however, I 
 charged him to take a place in the stage coach 
 j for London ; and, in tho meantime, paid my 
 I debts in Bath, which amounted to thirty shil- 
 lings onlj-. Without taking leave of my 
 friends, I embarked. Strap having the good 
 fortune to find a return horse, and arrived in 
 town, without having met A^ath anything re- 
 markable on tho road. While we crossed 
 
 Bagshot Heath, I waa seized with a sort of 
 inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying 
 passengers under contribution in some such 
 place. My thoughts were so circumstanced 
 at this time, that I should have digested the 
 crime of robbery, so righteously had I con- 
 certed my plan, and ventured my life in tho 
 execution, had I not been deterred by re- 
 flecting upon the infamy that attends de- 
 tection. 
 
 Tho apartment I formerly lived in being 
 unengaged, I took possession of it, and next 
 day went in quest of Banter, who received 
 mo with open arms, in expectation of having 
 his bond discharged to his liking: but when 
 wo understood what had happened, his coun- 
 tenance changed of a sudden, and he told me, 
 with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to him- 
 self, that, if he were in my place, he would 
 put it out of fortune's power to play him such 
 another trick, and be avenged of his own in- 
 discretion at once. Wien I desired him to 
 explain his meaning, he pointed to his neck, 
 raised himself on his tiptoes, and was going 
 away without any further ceremony, when I 
 put him in mind of my indigence, and de- 
 manded tho live guineas I had formerly lent 
 him. ' Five guineas !' cried he ; ' zounds ! had 
 j'on acted with common prudence, you might 
 have ha<l twenty thousand in your pocket by 
 this time. I depended upon five hundred from 
 you, as much as if I had had notes for it in 
 tho bank ; and by all tho rules of equity, you 
 are indebted to me for that sum.' I was 
 neither pleased nor convinced by this com- 
 putation, and insisted on my right with such 
 determined obstinacy, that ho was fain to 
 alter his tone, and appease my clamour, by 
 assui-ing me, that ho was not master of fivo 
 shillings. Society in distress generally pro- 
 motes good understanding among people ; 
 from being a dun I descended to be a client, 
 and asked his advice about repairing my 
 losses. Ho counselled mo to have recourse 
 again to tho gaming table, whcro 1 succeeded 
 80 well before, and put myself in a condition 
 by selling my watch. I followed his direc- 
 tions, and, having accommodated him with a 
 few pieces, went to tho place, where I lost 
 every shilling. 
 
 Then I returned to my lodgings full of des- 
 perate resolution, and having made Strap 
 acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn 
 my sword immediately, that I might bo en- 
 abled to make another effort. This affectionate 
 creature no sooner understood my purpose, 
 than, seized with insupportable sorrow at the 
 prospect of my miser}', he burst into tears, 
 and asked what I proposed to do after the 
 small sum ho could raise on the sword should 
 bo spent. ' On my o^vn account,' said he, ' I 
 am quite unconcerned ; for, while God spares 
 me health and theso ten fingers, I can earn a 
 comfortable subsistence anywhere ; but what 
 must become of you, who have less humility 
 to stoop, and more appetites to gratify?' 
 Here I interrupted him, by saying, with a 
 
162 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 gloomy aspect, T shoiild never want a resource 
 while I had a loaded pistol in possession. 
 Stupified with horror at this dreadfid insinu- 
 ation, ho stood mute for some time, and then 
 broke out into ' God of his infinite mercy- 
 enable you to withstand that temptation of 
 the devil ! Consider your immortal soul — 
 there's no repentance in the grave ! O Lord ! 
 that we ever should have come to this ! Are 
 we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the 
 wUl of Heaven ? — where is your patience F — 
 Durum patentia Jranijo — you are but a young 
 man — there may be many good things in store 
 for you — accidit iiiinmctoquid non spcralur 
 in anno — remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; 
 perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, 
 pleasing himself with the hopes of seeing and 
 relieving you ; nay, peradventure, he has al- 
 ready arrived, for the ship was expected about 
 this time.' A ray of hope shot athwart my 
 soul at this suggestion ; I thanked my friend 
 for this seasonable recollection, and, after 
 having promised to take no resolution till his 
 return, dismissed him to Wapping for intel- 
 ligence. 
 
 In his absence I was visited by Banter, 
 who, being informed of my bad luck at play, 
 told me that fortune would probably be one 
 day weary of xjersecuting me. ' In the mean- 
 time,' said he, ' here's a letter for you, which 
 I received just now inclosed in one from 
 Freeman.' I snatched it with eagerness, and 
 knowing the superscription to be of Narcissa's 
 handwriting, kissed it with transport, and, 
 having opened it, read, 
 
 ' It is -with great difficulty that I have 
 stolen, from the observation of those spies 
 who are set over me, this opportunity of 
 telling you, that I was suddenly carried away 
 from Bath by my brother, who was informed 
 of our correspondence by Lord Quiverwit, 
 whom, I since understand, j'ou have wounded 
 in a duel on my account. As I am fully con- 
 vinced of your honour and love, I hope I 
 shall never hear of such desperate proofs of 
 either for the future. I am so strictly 
 watched, that it will be impossible for yoai 
 to see me, until my brother's suspicion shall 
 abate, or Heaven contrive some other unfor- 
 seen event in our behalf. In the meantime, 
 you may depend on the constancy and affec- 
 tion of — 
 
 ' Your ovra Naecissa. 
 
 ' P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow 
 prisoner, desires to bo remembered to you. 
 We are both in good health, and only in pain 
 for you, especially as it will be impracticable 
 for you to convey any message or letter to 
 the place of our confinement ; for which 
 reason, pray desist from the attempt, that, by 
 miscarrying, might prolong our captivitj'. 
 
 'N .' 
 
 This kind letter afforded me great con- 
 .solation : I communicated it to Banter, and, 
 at the same time, showed him her picture : 
 he a])provcd of her beaufy and good sense, 
 and oituld not liclp owning tliat my neglect 
 
 of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such 
 a fine creature engrossed my attention. 
 
 I began to be reconciled to my fate, and 
 imagined, that, if I could contrive means of 
 subsisting untU my rmcle should arrive, in 
 case he were not already at home, he would 
 enable me to do something effectual in behalf 
 ofmy love and fortune; I therefore consulted 
 Banter about a present supply, who no sooner 
 understood that I had creclit with a tailor, 
 than he advised me to take off two or three 
 suits of rich clothes, and convert them into 
 cash, by selling them at half-price to a sales- 
 man in Monmouth Street. I was startled at 
 this proposal, which I thought savoured a little | 
 of fraud ; but he rendered it palatable, by ' 
 observing that, in a few months, I might be 
 in a condition to do everybody justice ; and, 
 in the meantime, I was acquitted by the 
 honesty of my intention. I suffered myself 
 to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my 
 necessity, rather than my judgment, was 
 convinced ; and, when I found there were 
 no accounts of the ship in which my 
 uncle embarked, actually put the scheme in 
 practice, and raised by it five-and-twenty 
 guineas, paying him for his advice with the 
 odd five. 
 
 CHAPTER LXI. 
 
 I am arrested — carried to the Marshalsea — 
 find my old Acquaintance Beau Jackson in 
 that Jail — he informs me of his Adventures 
 — Strap arrives, and with difficulty is com- 
 forted — Jackson introduces me to a Poet — 
 / admire his Conversation and Capacity — 
 am deeply affected tvith my Misfortune- 
 Strap hires himself as a Journeyman 
 Barber. 
 
 BUT this expedient was in a few weeks 
 attended with a consequence I did not 
 foresee. A player, having purchased one of 
 the suits which were exposed to sale, ajri- 
 peared in it on the stage one night, while my 
 tailor unfortunately happened to be present. 
 He knew it immediately, and, inquiring mi- 
 nutely into the affair, discovered my whole 
 contrivance : upon which he came to my lodg- 
 ings, and telling me that he was very mueli 
 straightened for want of money, presented 
 his bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Sur- 
 prised at which unexpected address, I affected 
 to treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, 
 asked if ho doubted my honour, and telling 
 him I should take care wliom I dealt with for 
 the future, bade him come again in three 
 days. He obeyed mo punctually, demanded 
 his money, and, finding himself amused with 
 bare promises, arrested me that very da.y in 
 the street. I was not much shocked at this 
 adventure, which, indeed, put an end to a 
 state of horrible expectation : but I refused 
 to go to a sponging-house, where I heard 
 there Avas notliing but the most flagrant im- 
 position : and, a coach being called, was 
 carried to tho Marshalsea, attended by a 
 
ttODMlCH: RANDOM. 
 
 m 
 
 bailiff and his follower, who were very much 
 disappointed and chagrined at my resolution. 
 The turnkey, guessing from my appearance 
 that I had money in my pocket, received me 
 with the repetition of the Latin VfovA depone, 
 and gave me to imderstand, that I must pay 
 beforehand for the apartment I should choose 
 to dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, 
 and hired a small paltry bed-chamber for a 
 crown a week, which, in any other place, 
 woidd not have letfor half the money. Having 
 taken possession of this dismal habitation, I 
 sent for Strap, and my thoughts were busied 
 in collecting matter of consolation to that 
 faithful squire, when somebody knocked at 
 my door, which I no sooner opened, than a 
 young fellow entered in very shabby clothes 
 and marvellous fonl linen. After a low bow, 
 he called me by name, and asked if I had 
 forgotten him. His voice assisted me in re- 
 collecting his person, v^^hom i soon recognised 
 to be my old acquaintance, Jackson, of whom 
 mention is made in the first part of my me- 
 moirs. I saluted him cordially, expressed my 
 satisfaction at finding him alive, and condoled 
 him on his present situation, which, however, 
 did not seem to affect him much, foi; he 
 laughed very heartily at the occasion of our 
 meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Our 
 mutual compliments being past, I inquired 
 about his amour with the lady of fortune, 
 which seemed to be so near a happy conclu- 
 sion when I had the pleasure of seeing him 
 last : and, after an immoderate fit of laughter, 
 he gave nie to understand that he had been 
 egregiously bit in that affair. ' You must 
 know,' said he, ' that a few days after our 
 adventure with the bawd and her b — clies, I 
 found means to be married to that same fine 
 lady you speak of, and passed the night with 
 her at her lodgings, so much to her satisfac- 
 tion, that early in the morning, after a good 
 deal of snivelling and sobbing, she owned, 
 that far from being an heiress of great for- 
 tune, she was no other than a common woman 
 of the town, who had decoyed me into matri- 
 mony, in order to enjoy the privilege of a 
 fcmme couverte ; and that, unless I made my 
 escape immediatelj', I should be arrested for 
 a debt of her contractmg, by bailiffs employed 
 and instructed for that purpose. Startled at 
 tills intimation, I rose in a twinkling, and 
 taking leave of my spouse with several hearty 
 damns, got safe into the verge of the court, 
 where I kept snug, until T was appointed 
 surgeon's mate of a man-of-war at Ports- 
 mouth ; for which place I set out on Sundaj% 
 went on board of my ship, in whicli I sailed to 
 the Straits, where I had the good fortune to 
 be made siirgeon of a sloop that came home 
 a few months after, and was put out of com- 
 mission : whereupon I came to London, ima- 
 gining myself forgotten, and freed from my 
 wife and her creditors ; but had not been in 
 town a week, before I was arrested for a debt of 
 hers, amounting to twenty pounds, and brought 
 to thisplace, where I have been fixed by another 
 
 action since that time. However, you know 
 my disposition, I defy care and anxiety; and 
 being on the half-pay list, make shift to live 
 here tolerably easy.' I congratulated him on his 
 philosophy, and, remembering that I was in 
 his debt, repaid the money he formerly lent 
 me, which, 1 believe, Avas far from being un- 
 seasonable. I then inquired about the econo- 
 my of the place, which he explained to my 
 satisfaction ; and, after we had agreed to 
 mess together, he was just now going to give 
 orders for dinner when Strap arrived. 
 
 I never in my life saw sorrow so extrava- 
 gantly expressed in any countenance as in 
 thatof my honest friend, which was, indeed, 
 l^articularly adapted by nature for such im- 
 pressions. When we were left by ourselves, 
 I comniuncated to him my disaster, and en- 
 deavoxired to console him with the same ar- 
 guments he had formerly used to me, withal 
 representing the fair chance I had of being 
 relieved in a short time by Mr. Bowling. But 
 his grief was unutterable : he seemed to give 
 attention withoiit listening, and wrung his 
 hands in silence ; so that I was in a fair way 
 of b-^ing infected by his behaviour, when 
 Jackson returned, and, perceiving the defe- 
 rence I paid to Strap, although in a footman'.s 
 hpJ)it, distributed his crumbs of comfort with 
 such mirth, jollity, and unconcern, that the 
 featui'es of the distressed squire relaxed by 
 dcgTces ; he recovered the use of speech, and 
 began to be a little more reconciled to this 
 lamentable event. We dined together on 
 boiled beef and greens, brought from a cook's 
 shop in the neighbourhood; and, although 
 this meal was served up in a manner little 
 corresponding with the sphere of life in which 
 I had lately lived, I made a virtue of neces- 
 sity, ate with good appetite, and treated my 
 friends with a bottle of wine, which had the 
 desired effect of increasing the good humour 
 of my fellow prisoner, and exhilarating the 
 spirits of Strap, Avho now talked cavalierly of 
 my misfortune. 
 
 After dinner Jackson left xis to oiir private 
 affairs ; when I desired my friend to pack up 
 all our things, and carry them to some cheap 
 lodgings he should choose for himself in the 
 neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he 
 had discharged my lodgings, for which pur- 
 pose I gave him money. I likewise recom- 
 mended to him the keeping my misfor- 
 tune secret, and saying to my landlord, 
 or any other who shovild inquire for me, 
 that I was gone into the country for a few 
 Aveeks : at the same time I laid strong injunc- 
 tions upon him to call every second daj' upon 
 Banter, in case he should receive any letter 
 for me from Narcissa, by the channel of Free- 
 man ; and by all means to leave a direction 
 for himself at my uncle's lodgings in Wapping, 
 by Avhich I might be found when my kinsman 
 should arrive. 
 
 When he departed to execute those orders 
 (AA'hich by the bye Avere punctually performed 
 that very night), I found m^/self ko little sea- 
 
1C4 
 
 nODERiCK RANDOM. 
 
 soncd to m3' situition, that I dreaded reflec- 
 tion, and souj^lit shelter from it in the com- 
 pany of the beau, ■\vho, promising to regale 
 me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me 
 to the common side, where I saw a number 
 of naked miserable wretches assembled to- 
 gether. We had not been here many minutes, 
 Avhon a figure appeared, wrapped in a dii-ty 
 rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of 
 list, of different colours, knotted together; 
 having a black bushy beard, and hw head 
 covered with a huge mass cf l)rown perriwig, 
 which seems to have been ravished from the 
 crown of some scarecrow. This apparition, 
 stalking in with great solemnity, made a pro- 
 found bow to the audience, who signified their 
 approbation by a general response of 'How 
 d'ye do, doctor ! ' Ho then turned towar^ls 
 us, and honoured Jackson with a particular 
 salutation : ujjon which my friend, in a formal 
 manner, introduced him to mo by tlie name of 
 Mr. Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, ho 
 a<lvanced into the middle of the congregation, 
 Avhich crowdcdaroundhim.and hemmingthreo 
 times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced 
 with great significance of voice and gesture, 
 a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon 
 the difference between genius and taste, illus- 
 trating his assertions with apt quotations 
 from the best authors, ancient as well as 
 modern. When ho had finished his harangue, 
 which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to 
 the spectators; not one of whom (I was in- 
 formoil) un<ler3toofl so jnuch as a sentence of 
 what he had utterctl. Thoy manifested, how- 
 ever, their a<lmiration and esteem by volun- 
 tary contributions, whicli Jack.son told mo, 
 one week with another, amounted to eighteen 
 pence. This moderate stipend, together wiLh 
 some sm.all presents that ho received for mak- 
 ing up ditfercnces and deciding eausesamongst 
 the prisoners, pist enabled him to breathe and 
 w-alk about in the grotescpie figure I have de- 
 scribed. I understood also, that ho Avas an 
 exci'llcnt poet, and had comiiosed a tragedy, 
 which was allowed by everybody who had 
 seen it to be a perfomianco of groat merit : 
 that his learning was infinite, his morals un- 
 exceptionable, and his modesty invincible. 
 Such a character couM not fail of attracting 
 my regard ; I longed impatiently to bo ac- 
 (Hiainteil with him, ami desired Jackson would 
 engage him to spend the evening in my a])art- 
 uient. My request was granted ; he favoured 
 us with his company, and. in the course of our 
 conversation iierceiving tliat I had a strong 
 p:is.>^ion for the Hi'llrx Lrllri'n, acquittfd liim- 
 sclf so well on that subject, that 1 expressed 
 H fervent desire of seeing his iiroductions. In 
 this point too he gi-atified my inclination ; he 
 promised to bring his fragedy to my room 
 next day, and in the meantime entertamed 
 mo with some detacheil pieces, which gave mo 
 a very advantageous idea of his jjoetical ta- 
 lent. Among other things I was i)articnlarly 
 pleased with some elegies, in imitation of 
 Tibullus ; one of which I beg leave to submit 
 
 to the reader, as a specimen of his complexion 
 and capacity : — 
 
 Whrrr now iiro all my flattrrins drriims or.joy ? 
 
 Moniiiiia, give iny soul her wonted rest ■■,— 
 Since lir>t thy heaiity flxetl niv roving eye, 
 
 lleart-Knawins tares corrode my pensive hrcast ! 
 
 Let happy lovers fly where plrasiires call, 
 With tV stive sonis hciriiile the flrotins hour; 
 
 Lead beauty thrciu:.-h the mazes of the l>all, 
 Or pros her wanton in love's roseate hower: 
 
 For me, no more I'll ranse the empurpled mead, 
 Where shepherd's pipe, nnd virgins dance around. 
 
 Nor wander through the woodbine's frasrant shade, 
 To hear the music of the (.-rove resound. 
 
 I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall. 
 Where fancy piints th'- ilimmirinL' tapiT blue, 
 
 AVlieri' damps hang mouldering' on the ivv'd «i>|l, 
 .Vnd sheeted irhosts drink up the midnight dew. 
 
 There, leaftiu-d with hopeless anpiish <ind despair, 
 
 Awhile in silence o'er my fate repine : 
 Tiien, with a louft fari'well to love and enrp, 
 
 'lo kindred dust my weary limbs consi;;ii. 
 
 ■Wilt thou, Moniuna, shed n (rmcioiis tear 
 Oil the cold ;;rave where all nir sorr(i«s rest ? 
 
 Strew vernal dowers, applaud my hive sincere, 
 And bid the turf lie easy on my breast ? 
 
 I was wonderfully affected with this pathe- 
 tic complaint, which seemed so well calculated 
 for myowndisajipointment inlove,that I could 
 not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to Iho 
 name of Monimia, and of forming such melan- 
 choly presages of my passion, that I could 
 not recover my tranquillity : and was fain to 
 liave recourse to the bottle, which prepared 
 nio for a profotind sleep that I could not 
 otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these im- 
 lircssions invited and intro<luced a train of 
 other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude 
 was all exhausted in the effort I m.adf against 
 despondence, during the fli'*t day of my im- 
 prisoiiinent, I cannot dotorniine; but lawoko 
 in the horrors, and found my imagination 
 haunted with such dismal apparitions, that I 
 •was ready to despair : and 1 believe the render 
 will own, I had no great cause to congratiUate 
 myself, when I considered my situation. I 
 wa-s interruptc<l in the midst of these gloomy 
 apprehensions by the arriv.al of Strap, who 
 contribute<l not a little to tlio re-establish- 
 ment of my peace, by letting me kiio->v that lie 
 ha<l hired hinuself ius a journeyman barber; 
 by which means lie would be able not only to 
 save me a considerable expense, but even 
 make shift to lay up something for my sub- 
 sistence, after my money should be spent, in 
 ca.se I should not be relieved before. 
 
 CHArTER LXII. 
 
 I rend Mrlopniin'f! Trnrjnhj, arid cnnccii'f o, 
 rost Opinion i\f ^li"^ C, ,i'it<< — 7/,- .•.•.mu;,/.? /a'^ 
 ,Ji/rf)j/wrcs, • 
 
 WHILE wo ate our breaki'ast together. I 
 made him accpiainted with thi* chain c- 
 tcr and conilition of the poet, who came in 
 with his play at that instant, and, imagining 
 •wo Avcrc engaged about bnsines.", could not 
 be })revailed upon to sit ; but, leaving his per- 
 formance, went away. ISIy friend's tender 
 heart was melted at the sight of a gentleman 
 and Christian (tor he had a great veneration 
 
nODERICiC RAND02t. 
 
 105 
 
 for belli thcoc epithets) iu sucli misery ; and 
 assented with great cheerfulness to a proposal 
 I ma<io of clothiucr him with our superfluities ; 
 a task with wliioh he charjred himself, and 
 departed immediately to perform it. 
 
 He was no sooner gone than I locked my 
 door, and sat down to the tragedy ; which I 
 rcatl to the end with vast pleasure, not a little 
 amazed at the conduct of the managers who 
 had rejected it. Tlio fable, in my opinion, 
 was well chosen and naturally conducted, the 
 incidents interesting, the characters beauti- 
 fully contrasted, strongly marked, and well 
 supported ; the diction poetical, spirited, and 
 correct ; the unities of the drama maintained 
 with the most scrupulous exactness; the open- 
 ing gradual ami engaging, the peripeteia sur- 
 prising, and the cat i strophe affecting. In 
 short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and 
 Horace, and could (ind nothing in it exception- 
 able, but a littlo too much embellishment in 
 some few jil.ices, which objection he removed 
 to my sati.sfacti(m, by a quotation of Aris- 
 totle's Poetics, importing, that the least inte- 
 resting parts of a poem ought to bo raised 
 and digailicd by the charms and energy of 
 diction. 
 
 I revered his genius, and was seized with 
 an eager cariositj' to know the particular 
 events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. 
 At that instant Strap roturne<l with a bundle 
 of clothes, which I sent with my compliments 
 to Mr. Melojjojni, as a small token of my 
 regard, and desired the favour of his company 
 to dinner. He accepted my present and invi- 
 tation, and in less than half-an-hour made his 
 ai)pr:vranco iu a decent dress, which altered 
 his figure very much to his advantage. I per- 
 ceived by his countenance, that his heart was 
 big with gr.ititudo, and endeavoured to pre- 
 vent his aekuowledgmeuls, by asking pardon 
 for the liberty I had taken ; ho made no reply, 
 but, with an aspect full of a<Uniration and es- 
 teem, bowe<l to tho ground, while tho tears 
 gushed from his eyes. . AlTectcd with these 
 symptom.-; of an ingenuous miml, I shifted tho 
 convor.sation, and complimented him on his 
 performance, which I assured him afforded 
 me inlinite plciisure. My approbation made 
 him happy. Dinner being served, and Jackson 
 arrived, I begged their jiermission for Straji 
 to sit at table with us, after having informed 
 them that he Wius a person to whom I was 
 extremely obliged : they were kind enough to 
 grant that favour, and wo ato together with 
 groat harmony and satisfaction. 
 
 Our meal being ended, I expressed my won- 
 der at tho littlo regard Mr. Molopojni had 
 mot with from tho world : and signified a de- 
 sire of hc'iring how ho had been treated by 
 the managers of tho playhouses, to whom I 
 understood from Jackson, ha had offere<l his 
 tragedy without success. ' Tliero is so little 
 ,cnterlaiuing iu the incidents of my life,' said 
 he ' that I am sure tho recit.al will not re- 
 compense yonr attention ; but, since you 
 discover an inclination to know them, I 
 
 tindcrstand my duty too well to disappoint 
 your desire. 
 
 ' My father, who was a curate in tho country, 
 being by the narrowness of his circumstances 
 hindered from maintaining mo at tho univer- 
 sity, took tho charge of my education upon 
 himself, and laboured with such industry and 
 concern in the undertaking, that I had littlo 
 cause to regret tho want of public masters. 
 Being at great pains to consult my natural 
 bias, he discovered in mo betimes an inclina- 
 tion for poetry ; upon which ho recommended 
 to me an intimate acquaintance with tho 
 classics, in the cultivation of which ho assisted 
 mo with a paternal zeal and uncommon eru- 
 dition. When ho thought mo sufficiently 
 acquainted \fH\\ tho ancients, he directed my 
 studies to the best modern authors, French 
 and Italian, as well as English, and laid a par- 
 ticular injunction upon mo to make myself 
 master of mj' mother tongue. 
 
 • About the age of eighteen, T grow .ambitious 
 of undertaking a work of some consequence ; 
 and, with my father's approbation, actually 
 planned tho tragedy you have read ; but, be- 
 fore I had finished four acts, that indulgent 
 parent died, and left my mother and mo in 
 very indigent circumstances. A near relation, 
 compassionating our distress, took us into his 
 family, where I brouglit my fable to a conclu- 
 sion ; and soon after that period my mother 
 quitted this life. A\nien my sorrow for this 
 melancholy event h.id subsided, I told my 
 kinsman, who was a farmer, th.at, having paid 
 my last duty to my parent, I had now no at- 
 tachment to detain me in the country, and 
 thorefore was resolved to set out for London, 
 and offer mj' play to tho stage, where I did 
 not doubt of acipiiring a largo share of famo 
 as well as fortune ; in which case I should not 
 bo unmindful of my friends and benefactors. 
 My cousin was ravished with tho prospect 
 of my felicitj-, ami willingly contributed to- 
 wards tho expense of fitting mo out for my 
 expedition. 
 
 ' Accordingly I took a place in tho waggon, 
 and arrived in toA\Ti, where I hired an apart- 
 ment in a garret, willing to live as frugally as 
 possible, until I shoidd know what I had to 
 exi)ect froni tho manager, to whom I intended 
 to offer my plaj*. For, though I looked upon 
 myself as perfectly secure of a good reception, 
 imagining that a patentee would bo as eager 
 to receive as I to present my production, I 
 did not know whether or not he miglit bo 
 pre-engaged in favour of another author, a 
 circumstance that would certainly retard my 
 success. On this consideration, too. I deter- 
 termined to be speedy in my application, and 
 even to w.ait upon one of the managers the 
 very next day. For thus purpose, I inquired 
 of my landlonl if he knew where either or 
 both of them lived : and he, being curious to 
 know my business, and at tho samo time ap- 
 jioaring to be a very honest friendly man (a 
 tallow chandler), I made him acquainted with 
 my design ; upon which he told me that I went 
 
1G6 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 tho wrong way to work; that I would not 
 find such easy access to a manager as I ima- 
 gined ; and that if I delivered my performance 
 without proper recommendation, it would be 
 as one to a thousand if ever it would be 
 minded. "Take my advice," said he, "and 
 your business is done. One of the patentees 
 is a good catholic, as I am, and uses the same 
 father who confesses me. I will make_ you 
 acquainted with this good priest, who is an 
 excellent scholar, and if he should approve of 
 your play, his recommendation will go a 
 great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring 
 it on the stage." I applauded his expedient, 
 and was introduced to the friar, who, having 
 perused the tragedy, was pleased to signify 
 his approbation, and commend^! me in par- 
 ticular for having avoided all reflections upon 
 religion. He promised to use all his influence 
 with his son Supple in my behalf, and to 
 inform himself that very day at what time it 
 would be proper for mo to wait upon him 
 •\\'ith the piece. He was punctual in perform- 
 ing his engagement, and next morning gave 
 me to understand that he had mentioned my 
 aff"air to tho manager, and that I had no more 
 to do than to go to his house any time in the 
 forenoon, and make use of his name, upon 
 which I should find immediate admittance. 
 I took his advice, put my performance in my 
 bosom, and, having received directions, went 
 immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and 
 knocked at tho door, which had a wicket in 
 tho middle, faced with a net-work of iron. 
 Through this a servant having viewed me for 
 some time, demanded to know my business. 
 I told him my business M'as with Mr. Supple, 
 and that I came from Mr. O'Varnish. He ex- 
 amined my appearance once more, then went 
 away, returned in a few minutes, and said his 
 master was busy, and could not bo seen. Al- 
 though I was a little mortified at my disap- 
 pointment, I was ])ersuadod that my reception 
 was owing to Mr. Supplo's ignorance of my 
 errand : and, that I might meeb with no more 
 obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. 
 O'Varnish to be my introductor tho next 
 time. He complied with my rc(iuest, and ob- 
 tuined iuuncdiate admittance to the manager, 
 who received mo with tho utmost civility, 
 and i)romised to read my play with the first 
 convenience. By his own appointment I called 
 again in a fortnight, but ho was gone out : I 
 returned in a week after, and tlie poor gentle- 
 man was extremely ill : I renewed my visit in 
 a fortnight after that, and ho assured me he 
 had been so much fatigued with business, that 
 ho had not been able as yet to read it to an 
 end, but he would take the first opportunity ; 
 and, in the meantime, observed that what ho 
 had yet seen of it was very entertaining. I 
 comforted myself ANith this declaration a few 
 weeks longer, at tho end of which I appeared 
 iig.'iin before Ins wicket, was let in, and found 
 liiui laid up wii.h tho gout. I no sooner en- 
 tered his chamber than, looking at me with a 
 languishing eye, he said, '■ Mr. Melopojm, I'm 
 
 heartily sorry for an accident that has hap- 
 pened during my illness. You must know 
 that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript 
 upon the table in the dining-room, where I 
 used to read it, carried it into tho kitchen, 
 and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a 
 cook-maid, mistaking it for waste paper, has 
 expended it all but a few leaves in singing 
 fowls upon the spit. But I hope the misfor- 
 tune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you 
 have several copies." 
 
 ' I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Ran- 
 dom, I wa-s extremely shocked at this informa- 
 tion ; but the good-natured gentleman seemed 
 to be so much affected with my misfortune, 
 that I suppressed my concern, and told him 
 that, although I had not another copv, I 
 should bo able to retrieve the loss by -writing 
 another from my memory, which was very te- 
 nacious. You cannot imagine hov/ well jileased 
 Mr. Supple was at this assurance ; ho begged 
 I would set about it immediately, and carefully 
 revolve and recollect every circumstance be- 
 fore I pretended to commit it to paper, that 
 it might be the same individual play that ho 
 had perused. Encouraged by this injunction, 
 which plainly demonstrated how much he in- 
 terested himself in the affair. I tasked my re- 
 membrance and industry, and in three weeks 
 produced the exact image of the former, which 
 was conveyed to him by my good friend Father 
 O'Varnish, who told me next day, that Mr. 
 Supple would revise it superficially, in order 
 to judge of its sameness with tho other, and 
 then give his final answer. For this examina- 
 tion I allotted a week : and, in full confidence 
 of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded 
 an au<lienco of the manager, when that term 
 was expired. But, alas ! the season had slip- 
 ped away insensibly. Ho convinced me, that 
 if my play had been put into rohoar.sal at that 
 time, it could not have been ready for perform- 
 ing until the end of March, when the benefit 
 nights came on ; consequently, it would have 
 interfered with the interest of tho players, 
 whom it was not my business to disoblige. 
 
 ' I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, 
 which, to bo sure, were extremely just; and 
 to reserve my performance for the next season, 
 when ho hoped I would not bo so unlucky. 
 Although it was a grievous disappointment 
 to mo, who, by this time, began to want both 
 money and necessaries ; having on the strength 
 of my expectation from the theatre, launched 
 out into some extravagances, by which the 
 sum I brought to town was already almost 
 consumed. Indeed, I ought to be ashamed 
 at this circumstance of my conduct ; for my 
 finances were sufficient, with good economy, 
 to have maintained me comfortably a whole 
 year. You will perhaps be amazed when I 
 tell you that, in six months, I expended not a 
 farthing loss than ten guineas : but, when ono 
 considers the temptations to which a young 
 man is exposed in this great city, especially 
 if he be addicted to pleasure, as I am, the 
 wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 1G7 
 
 was the cause of my concern limited to my 
 own situation entirely : I had written an ac- 
 count of uiy good reception to my kinsman 
 the farmer, and desirod him to depend upon 
 me for the tnonoy he had kindly accommodatcil 
 me with about the end of February, which 
 promise I now found myself imable to per- 
 form. However, there v.as no remedy but 
 patience : I applied to my landlord, who was 
 a very good-natured man, candidly owned my 
 distress, and begged his atlvico in laying downi 
 some plan for my subsistence ; he readily pro- 
 mised to consult his confessor on this subject, 
 and, in the meantime, told me, I was welcome 
 to lodge and board with him luitil fortune 
 should put it in my power to make restitution. 
 
 ' Mr. O' Varnish, being informed of my ne- 
 cessity, offered to introduce mo to the author 
 of a weekly paper, who, ho did not doubt, 
 would employ mo in that way, provided ho 
 should find mo duly qualified ; but, upon in- 
 quiry, I imderstood that this journal was cal- 
 culated to foment divisions in the common- 
 wealth, and therefore I desired to be excused 
 from engaging in it. Ho then proposed that 
 I should write something in tho iiootical way, 
 which I might dispose of to a bookseller for 
 a pretty sum of rciuly money, and, perhaps, 
 establish my own character into the bargain. 
 This event would infallibly procure friends, 
 and my tragedy Avould appear next season to 
 the best advantage, by being supported both 
 by interest and reputation. I was charmed 
 •with this prospect, and having heard what 
 friends Mr. Pope acquired by his Piistorals, 
 set about a work of that kind, and in less 
 than six weeks composed as many eclogues, 
 which I forthwith olfered to an eminent book- 
 seller, who desired me to leave them for his 
 Semsal, and he would givo an answer in two 
 ays. At the end of that time, I went to him, 
 when heretumed the poems, telling mo, they 
 woiUd not answer his purpose, and sweetened 
 his refusal by saying there were some good 
 olever lines iii them. Not a little dejected at 
 this rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. 
 O'Vamish, was owing to tho opinion of 
 another author, whom this bookseller always 
 consulted on these occasions, I applied to 
 another person of the same profession, who 
 told mo the town was cloyed with pastorals, 
 and advised mo, if I intended to profit by my 
 talents, to write something satirical or lus- 
 cious, such as the Button Hole, Shockey and 
 Towzer, Tlie Lcahj Vessel, &c., and yet this 
 was a man in years, who wore a reverend 
 periwig, looked like a senator, and went regu- 
 larly to church. Bo that as it will, I scorned 
 to prostitute my pen in tho manner he pro- 
 posed, and carried my papers to a third, who 
 assured me that poetry was entirely out of 
 his way ; and asked me if I had got never a 
 piece of secret history, thrown into a series 
 of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as 
 those of Robinson Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, 
 or a collection of Conundrums, wherewith to 
 
 Btertain the plantations. Being quite un- 
 
 furnished for this dealer, I had recourse to 
 another with as littlo success ; and I verily 
 believe, was rejected by the whole trade. 
 
 ' I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself 
 an a translator, and acconlingly repaired to a 
 person who was said to entertain nuHibers of 
 that class in his pay : he assured me, he had 
 already a great deal of that work on his hands, 
 which he did not know what to do with ; ob- 
 served that translations were a mere drug, 
 that branch of literature being overstocked 
 with an inundation of authors from North 
 Britain ; and asked what I would expect per 
 sheet for rendering the Latin classics into 
 English. That I might not make myself too 
 cheap, I determined to set a high price upon 
 my qualifications, and demanded half-a-guinea 
 for every translated sheet. " Half-a-guinoa !" 
 cried he, staring at mo ; then paused a little, 
 and said, ho had no occasion for my service 
 at present. 1 found my error, and, resolving 
 to make amends, fell one-half in my demand j 
 upon which ho stared at me again, and told 
 me his hands were full. I attempted others 
 without finding employment, and was actually 
 reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, 
 when I bethought myself of offering my 
 talents to the printers of halfpenny ballads, 
 and other such occasional essays, as are 
 hawked about the streets. With this view, 
 I applied to one of the most noted and vocife- 
 rous of this tribe, who directed mo to a person 
 whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of 
 them with gin, bread, and cheese ; he carried 
 mo into a little back parlour, very neatly 
 furnished, where I signified my desire of being 
 enrolled among his writers ; and was asked 
 what kind of composition I professed. Under- 
 standing that my inclination leaned towards 
 poetry, ho expressed his satisfaction, telling 
 mo one of his poets had lost his sen.ses, and 
 was confined in Bedlam, and tho other was 
 become dozed with drinking drams ; so that 
 ho had not done anything tolerable thcso 
 many weeks. When I proposed that wo 
 should enter into terms of agreement, he gave 
 mo to understand that his bargains were 
 always conditional, and his authors paid in 
 proportion to the sale of their works. 
 
 ' Having therefore settled those conditions, 
 which (I do assure you) were not very advan- 
 tageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a 
 ballad, which was to be finished in two hours ; 
 and I retired to my garret in order to perform 
 his injunction. As the theme happened to 
 suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of an 
 ode within tho time prescribed, and brought 
 it to him, big with hope of profit and applause. 
 He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter 
 astonishment, told me it Avould not do ; though 
 indeed ho owned I wrote a good hand, and 
 speUod very well, but my language was too 
 high flo%vn, and of consequence not at all 
 adapted to the capacity and taste of his cus- 
 tomers. I promised to rectify that mistake, 
 and in half an hour humbled my style to tho 
 comprehension of vulgar readers ; he approved 
 
1C8 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of 
 succeeding in time, though he observed that 
 my ijerformance was very deficient in tlie 
 quaintness of expression that pleases the mul- 
 titude : however, to encourage me, he ventured 
 the expense of printing and paper, and, if I re- 
 member aright, my shareof the sale amounted 
 to fourpence halfpenny. 
 
 ' From that day I studied the Grub Street 
 manner with great diligence, and at length 
 became such a proficient, that my works were 
 in great request among the most polite of the 
 chairmen, draymen, hackney-coachmen, foot- 
 men, and servant maids : nay, I have enjoyed 
 the pleasure of seeing my pi-oductions adorned 
 with cuts, pasted upon the wall as ornaments 
 in beer cellars and cobblers' stalls ; and have 
 actually heard them sung in clubs of sub- 
 stantial tradesmen — but empty praise (you 
 know, my dear friend) will not supply the 
 cravings of nature. I found myself in danger 
 of starving in the midst of all my fame ; for 
 of ten songs I composed, it was well it" two 
 had the good fortuno to please. For this rea- 
 son I turned my thoughts to prose, and, during 
 a tract of gloomy weather, published an ap- 
 l)arition, on the substance of which I subsisted 
 very comfortably a whole month ; I have made 
 many a good meal upon a monster ; a rapdflia^ 
 often afforded mo great satisfaction ; but a 
 murder, well timed, was my never-faUing re- 
 source. What then :- I w.as a most miserable 
 slave to my employers, who expected to be 
 furnished at a minute's warning with proso 
 and verse, just as they tliought the circum- 
 stances of the times required, whether the in- 
 (;lination was absent or present. Upon my 
 sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much 
 ])estercd and besieged by those children of 
 clamour, that life became a bui'deu to me.' 
 
 CHAPTER LXIII. 
 
 The Continuation and Conclusion of 
 Mr. Melopoi/n's Story. 
 
 ' r MADE shift, notwithstanding, to maintain 
 X myself till the beginning of next winter, 
 when I renewed my addresses to my friend 
 Mr. Supple, and was most graciously received. 
 " I have been thinlcing of your affair, Mr. Me- 
 lopoyn," said he, " and am determined to show 
 how far I have your interest at heart, by 
 introducing you to a young nobleman of my 
 acquaintance, wlio is remarkable for his fine 
 taste in dramatic writings, and is besides a 
 man of such influence that, if once ho should 
 approve of your play, his jiatronago will sup- 
 port it against all the etforts of envy and 
 ignorance ; for, I do assure you, that merit 
 alone will not bring success. I have already 
 spoken of your performance to Lord Rattle, 
 audit you will call at my house in a day or 
 two, you shall have a letter of introduction to 
 his lordship." I was sensibly touched with 
 this mark of Mr. Supple's friendship ; and 
 looking upon my affair as already done, went 
 
 home and imparted my good fortuno to my 
 landlord, who, to render my appearance more 
 acceptable to my p?.tron, procured a suit of 
 new clothes for mo on his own credit. 
 
 ' Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I 
 carried my tragedy to his lordship's lodgings, 
 and sent it up along with Mr. Supple's letter 
 by one of his servants, who desired me, by his 
 lord's order, to return in a week. I did so, 
 and was admitted to his lordship, who received 
 me very courteously, told me he had perused 
 my play, which he thought, on the whole, 
 was the best coup-d'essa i he had ever seen ; 
 but that he had marked some places in the 
 margin, which he imagined might be altered 
 for the better. I was transported with this 
 reception, and promised (with many acknow- 
 ledgments of his lordship's generosity) to be 
 governed solely by his advice and dii-ection. 
 
 " Well, then," said he, " write another fair 
 copy with the alterations I have proposed, 
 and bring it to me as soon as possible ; for I 
 am resolved to have it brought on the stage 
 this winter." You may be sure I set about 
 this tuiik with alacrity ; and although I found 
 his lordship's remarks much more numerous 
 and of less importance than I expected, I 
 thought it was not my interest to dispute 
 upon trifles with my patron ; therefore new 
 modelled it according to his desire in less 
 than a month. 
 
 ' When I waited upon him with the manu- 
 script, I found one of the actors at breakfast 
 with his lordship, who immediately introduced 
 him to my acquaintance, and desired him 
 to read a scene of my play. This task ho 
 performed very much to my satisfaction, with 
 regard to emphasis and pronunciation ; but 
 he signified his disgust at several words in 
 every page, which I presuming to defend. 
 Lord Rattle told me, with a peremptory look, I 
 must not pretend to dispute with him, who 
 had been a player these twenty years, and 
 understood the economy of the stage bettor 
 than any man living. I was forced to submit; 
 and his lordship proposed the same actor 
 should read the whole play in the evenuig, 
 before some gentlemen of his acquaintance, 
 whom he would convene to his lodgings for 
 that purpose. 
 
 ' I was present at the rep-ding ; and I protest 
 to you, my dear friend, I never underwent 
 such a severe trial in the whole course of my 
 life, as at that juncture ; for although the 
 player might be a very honest man and a good 
 performer, he was excessively illiterate and 
 assuming, and made a thousand frivolous ob- 
 jections, which I was not permitted to answer. 
 However, the piece was very much applauded 
 on the whole ; the gentlemen present, who, I 
 understood, were men of fortune, promised to 
 countenance and support it as mucli as they 
 could ; and Lord Rattle, assuring me that he 
 would act the part of a careful nurse to it, 
 desired me to carry it home, and alter it im- 
 mediately according to their remarks. I was 
 fain to acquiesce in his determination, and 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 1G9 
 
 fulfilled his injunctions with all the expedition 
 in my power ; bat, before I could present the 
 new copy, my good friend Mr. Supple had 
 disposed of his property and patent to one Mr. 
 Braycr ; so that fresh interest was to bo made 
 with the new manager. This task Lord Rattle 
 undertook, having some acquaintance with 
 him, and recommended my performances so 
 strongly that it was received. 
 
 ' I looked upon my.s'elf now as upon the oto 
 of reaping the fruits of all my labour. I 
 waited a few days in expectation of its being 
 put in rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, 
 applied to my worthy patron, who excused 
 Mr. Brayer on account of tho multiplicity of 
 business in which he Avas involved, and bado 
 mo beware of teasing the patentee. I trea- 
 sured up this caution, and exortcl my patience 
 three weeks longer ; at the end of which his 
 lordship gave mo to understand that Mr. 
 Braj'or had read my play, ond owned it had 
 indubitable merit ; but, as he had long been 
 pre-engaged to anotlior author, ho could not 
 possibly represent it that season ; though, if 
 I woidd reserve it for the next, and in the 
 interim make such alterations as ho had pro- 
 posed by ob.servations on the margin, I might 
 depend upon his compliance. 
 
 'Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I 
 could not, for some minutes, utter one syllable. 
 At length, however, I complained bitterly of 
 the manager's insincerity in amusing mo so 
 long, when ho knew from the beginning that 
 he could not gratify my desire. But hi.s lord- 
 ship reprimanded mo for my freedom, said 
 Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and im- 
 puted his behaviour with respect to mo to 
 nothing olso but forgetfulnoss. And indeed I 
 have had some reason, since that time, to be 
 convinced of his bad memory ; for, in spite of 
 appearances, I will not allow myself to in- 
 terpret his conduct in any other way. Lord 
 Rattle observing mo vcrj' much affected with 
 my disappointment, offered his interest to 
 bring on my play at tho other house, which I 
 eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter 
 of recommendation to Mr. Bcllower, actor and 
 prime minister to Mr. Vandal, proprietor of 
 that theatre, and desired mo to deliver it with 
 my tragedy, without loss of timo. Accord- 
 ingly, I hastened to his house, where, after 
 having waited a wholo hour in tho lobby, I 
 was admitted to hi.s presence, and my per- 
 formance received with great state. He told 
 me ho was extremely busy at present, but ho 
 would peruse it as soon as possible ; and bado 
 me call again in a week. I took my leave, not 
 a little ii.stonislied at the pert and superci- 
 lious behaviour of this stago player, who ha<l 
 not treated mo ^Wth good manners ; and began 
 to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired 
 since the days of Euripides and Sophocles ; 
 but all this M'as nothing in comparison of 
 what I have since observed. 
 
 ' Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the ap- 
 pointed time, and was told that Mr. Bellower 
 was engaged, and could not see me. I re- 
 
 peated my visit a few days after, and having 
 waited a considerable time was favoured with 
 an audience, during which, he said, ho had 
 not as yet read my play. Nettled at this 
 usage, I could contain myself no longer, but, 
 telling him, I imagined he would have paid 
 moi-e deference to Lord Rattle's recommen- 
 dation, demanded my manuscript with somo 
 expression of resentment. " Ay," said he, in a 
 theatrical tone, " with all my heart." Then 
 pulling out the drawer of the bureau at •which 
 ho sat, he took out a bundle, and throw it 
 upon a table that was near him, pronouncing 
 tho word, " There ! " with great disdain. I 
 took it up, and percei\-ing with some surprise, 
 that it was a comedy, told him it did not 
 belong to me : upon which he ofFei'ed mo 
 another, which I also disclaimed. A third 
 was produced, and rejected for the samo 
 reason. At length he pulled out a wholo 
 handful, and spreaxl them before me, saying, 
 " There are seven- — take which you please — or 
 take them all." I singled out my own, and 
 went away, struck dumb with admiration at 
 what T had seen — not so much on account of 
 his insolence, as of tho number of new plays 
 which from this circumstanco I concluded 
 were yeaily offered to the stage. You may 
 bo sure, I did not fail to carry my complaint 
 to my patron, who did not receive it with all 
 tho indignation I expected ; but taxed mo 
 with precipitation, and told mo I must lay 
 my account with bearing tho humours of tho 
 players, if I intended to write for tho stage. 
 "There is now no other remedy," said he, "but 
 to keep it till the next se.isou for Mr. Braj'cr, 
 and alter it at your leisure, in tho summer, 
 accoriling to his directions." I was now re- 
 duced to a terrible altomativo, cither to quit 
 all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had 
 all along promised myself a large share of 
 fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight 
 long months of adversity in preparing for and 
 expecting its ajipearanco. This last penance, 
 painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my 
 reflection at that time, and therefore I resolved 
 to undergo it. 
 
 ' Why should I tire you with particulars of 
 no consequence ':' I wrestled with extremo 
 poverty until the time of my probation was 
 expired ; and went to my Lord Rattle, in order 
 to remind him of my aft'air, when I understood, 
 to my great concern, that his lordship was 
 just on the point of going abroad, and which 
 was still more unfortunate for me, Mr. Brayer 
 had gone into tho counti-y ; so that my gene- 
 rous patron had it not in his power to intro- 
 duce mo personally, as ho intended : however, 
 ho wrote a very strong letter to tho ma- 
 nager in my favour, and put him in mind 
 of the promise he had made in behalf of my 
 play. 
 
 ' As soon as I was certified of Brayer's re- 
 turn, I went to his house with this letter, but 
 was told he was gone out, I called again 
 next day early in the morning, received the 
 same answer, and was desired to leave my 
 
l^o 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 namo and business : 1 did so, and rotumed 
 the day after, -when tlie servant still ailirmed 
 that his master was gone abroad ; though I 
 perceived him, as I retired, observing me 
 tiirough a window. Incensed at this dis- 
 covery, I went to a coflfee-house hard by, and, 
 inclosing his lordship's letter in one from 
 myself, demanded a categorical answer. I 
 sent it to his house by a porter, who returned 
 in a few minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer 
 would be glad to see me at that instant. I 
 obeyed the summons, and was received with 
 such profusion of compliments and apologies, 
 that my resentment immediately subsided, 
 and I was even in pain for tlie concern which 
 this honest man showed at the mistake of his 
 servant, who, it seems, had been ordered to 
 deny him to everybody but me. Ho ex- 
 pressed the utmost veneration for his good 
 and noble friend, Lord Rattle, whom he should 
 always be proud to serve ; promised to peruse 
 the play with all dispatch, and give me a 
 meeting upon it : and, as a testimony of his 
 esteem, made me a present of a general order 
 for the season, by which I should be admitted 
 to any part of the theatre. This was a very 
 agreeable compliment to mo, whose greatest 
 pleasure consisted in seeing dramatic perform- 
 ances, and you need not doubt that I often 
 availed myself of my privilege. As I had an 
 npportunitj" of being behind the scones when 
 I pleased, I frequently conversed with Mr. 
 Brayer about my play, an<l asked when lio 
 meant to put it into rehearsal ; but he had 
 always so much business ".ipon his hands, 
 that it remained with him unopened a con- 
 siderable while; and I became very uneasy 
 about the season, tliat wasted apace, when I 
 saw in the papers another new play advertised, 
 which had been written, oftered, accepted, 
 and rehearsed, in the compass of three months. 
 You may easily guess how much I was con- 
 founded at this event ! I own to you that, 
 in the first transports of my anger, I sus- 
 pected Mr. Brayer of having acted towards 
 me in the most pitiful perfidious manner ; and 
 was actually glad at his disappointment in 
 the success of his favourite piece, wliich, by 
 the strength of art, lingered till the third 
 night, and then died in a deplorable manner. 
 But now that passion has no share in my 
 reflection, I am willing to ascribe his be- 
 haviour to his want of memory or want of 
 .iudgment, which, you know, are natural de- 
 fects, that are more worthy of compassion 
 than reproach. 
 
 'About this time I happened to be in com- 
 pany with a gentlewoman, who, having heard 
 of my trixgedy, told me, she was well ac- 
 quainted with the wife of a gentleman who 
 was very well known to a lady, who had great 
 interest with a person who was intimate with 
 Earl Sheorwit : and that, if I pleased, she 
 would use her influence in my behalf. As 
 this nobleman bad the character of aMiucenas 
 in the nation, and could stam]! a value upon 
 any work bj' his sole couutenauco and appro- 
 
 bation, I accepted her o&er with eagerness, 
 in full confidence of seeing my reputation 
 established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very 
 short time, provided that I should have the 
 good fortune to please his lordship's taste. 
 I withdrew the manuscript ti'om the hands of 
 Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the care of 
 this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually 
 in my interest, that in less than a month it 
 was conveyed to the earl, and in a few weeks 
 after, I had the satisfaction to hear that he 
 had read and approved it verj' much. Trans- 
 ported with this piece of intelJigence, I flat- 
 tered mj'self with the hopes of his interesting 
 himself in its favour; but, hearing no more 
 of this matter in three whole months, I began 
 (God forgive me !) to suspect the veracity of 
 the person who brought me the good tidings ; 
 for I thought it impossible that a man of 
 his rank and character, who knew the 
 difficulty of ^VTiting a good tragedy, and 
 understood the dignity of the work, should 
 read and applaud an essay of this kind, with- 
 out feeling an inclination to befriend the 
 author, whom his countenance alone could 
 raise above dependence. But it was not long 
 before I found my friend very much wronged 
 by my opinion. 
 
 ' You must know, that the civilities I had 
 received from Lord llattle, and the desire ho 
 manifested to promote the success of my play, 
 encouraged me to write an account of my bad 
 fortune to Lis lordship, who condescended so 
 far as to desire, lij' letter, a young squire of a 
 great estate, with whom he was intimate, to 
 espouse my cause, and, in particular, make 
 me accjuainied with one Mr. Marmozet, a 
 celebrated player, who had lately appeared on 
 the stage with astonishing dclaf, and boro 
 such sway in the house where he acted, that 
 the managers durst not refuse anything he 
 recommended. The young gentleman, whom 
 Lord Rattle liad employed for this purpose, 
 being difiident of his own interest with Mr. 
 Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his 
 acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so 
 good as to introduce mo to him ; and the 
 conversation turning upon my performance, 
 I was not a little surprised, as well as pleased, 
 to hear that Earl Shcerwit hail spoken very 
 much in its praise, and even sent Mr. Marmozet 
 the co])y, with a message, expressing a desire 
 that lie would act in it next season. Nor was 
 this favourite autor backward in commending 
 the piece, which ho mentioned with some 
 expressions of regai-d, that I do not choose to 
 repeat : assuring me that lie would appear in 
 it, provided he should he engaged to play at 
 all during the ensuing .season. In the mean- 
 time, he desired I would give him leave to 
 peruse it in the country, whither ho intended 
 to remove next day, that ho might have 
 Icisui-e to consider and point out such altera- 
 tions as might, perhaps, be necessary for its 
 representation ; and took my direction, that 
 he might communicate by letter the observa- 
 tions ho should make. Trusting to these 
 
RODERICK RAXDOM. 
 
 171 
 
 assurances, and the interest wlxicli had been 
 made in my behalf, I hugged myself in the 
 oipeotatlon of seeing it, not only acted, but 
 acted to the greatest advantage, and this I 
 thought could not fail of recompensing mo in 
 an ample manner for the anxiety and afllic- 
 tion I had undergone ; but six weeks being 
 elapsed, I did not know how to reconcile 
 Mr. Marniozet's silence with his promise of 
 writing to me in ten days after he set out for 
 the country ; however, I was at last favoured 
 with a letter, importing that he had made 
 some remarks on my tragedy, which he would 
 freely impart at meeting, and advised mo to 
 put it, without loss of time, into the hands of 
 that manager, who had the best company ; aa 
 he himself was quite uncertain whether or 
 not he should be engaged that winter. I was 
 a good deal alarmed at this last part of his 
 letter, and advised about it with a fi-iend, 
 who told me, it was a plain indication of 
 Mr. Marmozet'a desire to get rid of his jn-o- 
 mise ; that his pretended uncertainty about 
 acting next winter was no other than a scan- 
 dalous evasion ; for, to his certain knowledge, 
 ho was already engaged, or at least in terms, 
 with Mr. Vandal ; and that his design was to 
 disappoint mo, in favour of a new comedy, 
 which he had purchased of the author, and 
 intended to bring upon the stage for his own 
 advantage. 
 
 ' In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I 
 must own, is if a sanguine complexion, han- 
 dled the nigral eharaf-ter of Mr. Marmozet with 
 such severity, that I began to suspect him of 
 some particular ))rejudico, and put myself 
 upon my guard against his insinuations. I 
 ought to crave pardon for this tedious narra- 
 tion of trivial circumstances, which, however 
 interesting tlioy may be to me, must certainly 
 be very dry and insipid to the ear of one 
 unconcerned in the alfair. But I understand 
 the meaning of your looks, and will proceed. 
 ' Well, sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return 
 to town, treated me with uncommon com- 
 plaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, 
 where he proposed to communicate his re- 
 marks, which, I confess, were more unfavour- 
 able than I expected ; but I answered his 
 objections, and, as I thought, brought him 
 over to ray opinion ; for, on the whole, ho 
 signified the highest approbation of the per- 
 formance. In the course of our dispute, I 
 was not a little surprised to find this poor 
 gentleman's memory so treacherous, as to let 
 him forget what he had said to me, before ho 
 went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit's 
 opinion of my plaj% which he now professed 
 himself ignorant of; and I Wiis extremely 
 mortified at hearing from his own mouth, 
 that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very 
 low as to be insufficient of itself to bring a 
 new piece upon the stage. I then begged his 
 advice, and he counselled me to apply to 
 Earl Slieerwit, for a message in my favour to 
 the manager, who would not presume to refuse 
 anything recommended by so great a man ; 
 
 and lie was so kind as to promise to second 
 this message with all his power. I had imme- 
 diate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman 
 my friend, already mentioned, who opened 
 the channels of her conveyance with such 
 expedition, that in a few days I had a promise 
 of the message, provided I could assure myself 
 of Mr. Vandal's being unengaged to any other 
 author; for his lordship. did not choose to 
 condescend so far, until he should understand 
 that there was a probability (at least) of suc- 
 ceeding ; at the same time that blessed mo 
 with this piece of news, I was startled at an- 
 other, by the same channel of communication ; 
 which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before ho 
 advised me to this application, had informed 
 the earl that he had rciid my play, and found 
 it altogether xmfit for the stage. Though I 
 could not doubt the certainty of this intelli- 
 gence, I believed there was some misapi)ro- 
 hension in the case ; and, without taking any 
 notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I 
 had been favoured with ; and ho promised to 
 ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed. I 
 waited upon him in a day or two, when he 
 gave mo to understand, that Mr. Vandal 
 having professed himself free of all engage- 
 ments, ho hod put my play into liis hands, 
 and represented it as a piece strongly recom- 
 mended by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured 
 him) would honour him with a message in its 
 favour ; and he desired me to call for an an- 
 swer at Mr. Vandal's house in three days. 1 
 followed his directions, and foinid the mana- 
 ger, who being made accjuainted with my 
 business, o^vned that Mr. Marmozet had given 
 him a manuscript play, but denied that ho 
 had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name. "When 
 I infoi-med him of the circumstances of the 
 afl'air, he said, he had no engagement with 
 any author; that he would read my tragedy 
 forthwith ; and did not believe he should ven- 
 ture to reject it in contradiction to his lord- 
 ship's opinion, for which he hail the utmost 
 veneration, but put it into rehearsal without 
 I0.SS of time. I was so much intoxicated with 
 this encouragement, that I overlooked the 
 mysterious conduct of Mr. Marmozet, and 
 attended the manager at the time appointed, 
 when, to my infinite confusion, he pronounced 
 my play improper for the stage, and rejected 
 it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect 
 myself from the disorder into which this un- 
 expected refusal had thrown me, I expressed 
 a desire of hearing his objections, which were 
 so groundless, indistinct, and unintelligible, 
 that I persuaded myself he had not at all 
 perused the piece, but had been prompted by 
 somebody whose lessons he had not rightly 
 retained. However, I have been since in- 
 formed that the poor man's head, which was 
 not naturally very clear, had been disordered 
 with superstition, and that he laboured under 
 the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of hell- 
 fire at the same time. 
 
 ' Precipitated in this manner from the highest 
 pinnacle of hope to the abyss of despondence, 
 
172 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 I was ready to sink under the bnrden of my 
 affliction, and, in the bitteniess of my ang^uish, 
 could not help entertaininf? some doubts of 
 Mr. Marmozet's intei^rity, when I recollected 
 and compared the circumstances of his con- 
 duct towards me. I was encouraged in this 
 suspicion by bcinfr told that my Lord Sheer- 
 wit had spoken of his character with great 
 contempt : and, iu particular, resented his 
 insolence in opposing his own t:iste to that of 
 his lordshij), concerninpr my tra{,'edy. While 
 I hesitated between ditt'erent opinions of the 
 matter, that friend, who (as I told you before) 
 was a little hotheaded, favoured me with a 
 vi.-5it, and, having heard a circumstantial ac- 
 count of the whcjlo affair, could not contain 
 his indignation, but affirmed without cere- 
 mony that Mr. Marmozet was the sole occa- 
 sion of my disappointment ; that he acted 
 from first to last with the most perfidious 
 dissimulation, cajoling me with insinuating 
 civilities, while he underhand em])loyed all 
 his art and influence to prejudice the ignorant 
 manager against my performance ; that no- 
 thing could equal his hypocrisy lint his ava- 
 rice, which engrossed the faculties of his soul 
 so much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of 
 the meanest practices to gratify that sordid 
 appetite ; that, in consequence of this dispo- 
 sition, he had prostituted his honour in be- 
 traying my inexperience, and in undermining 
 the interest of another author of established 
 reputation, whf) had also offereil a tragedy to 
 the stage, which he thought would interfere 
 with the success of the comedy he h;ul bought, 
 and determined to bring ou at all events. 
 
 ' I was shocked at the description of such a 
 moustei-, which I could not believe existed iu 
 the world, bad as it is, and argued against 
 the asseverations of my friend, by demon- 
 strating the bad policy of such behaviour, 
 which could not fail of entailing infamy upon 
 the author ; and the small temptation that a 
 man of Mr. Marmozet's figure and success 
 could have to consult his interest in such a 
 grovelling manner, which mu.st create con- 
 tempt and abhorrence of him in his patrons, 
 and effectually dejirivo him of the counte- 
 nance and protection ho now enjoys in such an 
 eminent degree. Ho pretended to laugh at 
 my simplicity, and asked, if I know for which 
 of his virtues he was so much caressed by the 
 people of fashion. " It is not," said he, "for 
 the qualities of his heart, that this little paiu- 
 site is invited to the tables of dukos and 
 lords, who hire extraordinary cooks for his 
 entertainment. His avarice they see not, his 
 ingratitude they feel not, his hypocrisy accom- 
 modates itself to their huniours. and is of 
 consequence pleasing: but he is chiefly courted 
 for his buffoonery, and will bo admitted into 
 the choicest parties of quality for his talent 
 of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when 
 a poet of the most excellent genius is not able 
 to attract the least regard." God forbid. Mr. 
 Random, that I should crt-dit assertions that 
 degrade tlie dignity of our superiors so much, 
 
 and represent that poor man as the most ab- 
 ject of all beings ! No. I looked upon them 
 as the hJ^)erboles of passion ; and though that 
 comedy of Avhich he spoke did actually ap- 
 pear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr. 
 Marmozet, who. I am told, is iis much as ever 
 in favour with the earl ; a circumstance that, 
 surely, could not be, unless he had vindicated 
 his character to the satisfaction of his lord- 
 ship. Pray forgive this long digression, and 
 give me the hearing a little longer ; for, thank 
 heaven ! I am now near the goal. 
 
 ' Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of 
 seeing my play acted ; and bethought niviself 
 of choosing some employment that might 
 afford a sure, though mean subsistence ; but 
 my landlord, to whom I was by this time con- 
 siderably indebted, and who had laid liis ac- 
 count with having his money paid all in a 
 heap from the profits of my third night, could 
 not brook his disajiiiointment, therefore made 
 another effort in my behalf, and, by dint of 
 interest, procured a mes.sage from a lady of 
 fashion to Mr. Braver, who had always jiro- 
 fessod a great veneration for her, desiring that 
 he would sot uji my play fortliwith, and a.ssur- 
 ing him that she and all her friends would 
 sujiport it in the ))erformanee. To strengthen 
 my interest, siie engaged his best actors iu 
 my cause ; and, in short, exerted lierself so 
 much, that it wa.s agaui received, and my 
 liDpos began to revive. But Mr. Brajcr, 
 honest man, was so much cngrosseil by busi- 
 ness of vast consequence, though to appear- 
 ance he lijvd nothing at all to do, that ho 
 could not find time to read it until the seasou 
 was pretty far advanced ; and read it ho nmst, 
 for notwithstanding his having perused it be- 
 fore, his memory did not retain one circum- 
 stance of the matter. 
 
 * At length he favoured it with his attention, 
 and having proposed certain alterations, sent 
 liis duty to the lady who patronised it, and 
 promised, on his honour, to bring it on next 
 winter, i>rovided these alterations should bo 
 mtule, and the copy delivered to him before 
 the end of Ajiril. With au aching heart, I 
 submitted to these conditions, and i)erfornied 
 them accordingly: but fortune owed mo 
 another luiforscen mortification ; Mr. Mar- 
 mozet, during the sunmier, became joint 
 patentee with Mr. Braver, so that, when I 
 claimed performaiu'e of articles, I was told 
 ho could do nothing without the consent of 
 his partner, who was pre-engaged to another 
 author. 
 
 ' My condition was rendered desperate by 
 the death of my good friend and landlord, 
 whose executors obtained a judgment against 
 my effects, which they seized, turned me out 
 into the streets naked, friendless, and forlorn : 
 there I was arrested at the suit of m}' tailor, 
 and thrown into this prison, where I have 
 made shift to live these five weeks on the 
 bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope, 
 are not the worse for the instruction and 
 good olliccs hy which I manifest my (jrati- 
 
RODERICK RAyDOJJ:. 
 
 173 
 
 tudo : bnt in spite of "all tlioir charitable 
 endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable, until 
 your uncommon benevolence enabled ine to 
 enjoy it with comfort.' 
 
 CHAFIER LXIV. 
 
 I nm seized with a deep Mdaudu>Jij, and J>c- 
 come a Sloucn — am relieved by wi/ Uncle — 
 /mj precails xipon me to eiir/age u-ith ]tis 
 Oivners, as a Surgeon of the Ship uhich he 
 coinmanda — he makes me a considerable 
 Present — entertains Strap as his Slen.'ard 
 — I tnk<' /citiv of my Friends, and <jo an 
 Board — the Ship arrives iii the Downs. 
 
 I SHALL not make any reflection on this 
 Btory, in the course of which the reader 
 must perooivo how ej^-oj^iously the simplicity 
 ami milky disposition of this wortliy man had 
 been duped and abused by a set of scoundrels, 
 wlio wore so habituated to fiiLschood and 
 equivocation, that I verily believed they 
 would have found the utmost diJfioulty in 
 uttering' one syllable of truth, though their 
 lives h:ui depended upon their sincerity. Xot- 
 witlistandinff all I had suffered from the 
 knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was 
 amazed and incensed at the base indiffcrenco 
 which suiV ' h uncommon merit as ho 
 possessed ; -h in obscurity, and stru?- 
 
 f»lo with all lliu miseries of a lo •■ lmmI ; 
 
 and should have Idossed the ■ . that 
 
 secluded mo from such a perfidious world, 
 had not the remombraii^ of the amiable 
 Narcissa preserved my attachment to that ■ 
 society of which she constituted a part. The 
 picture of that lovely creature was the con- 
 stant companion of my solitude. How often 
 did I contomplate the resemblance of those 
 enchantinj,' features that first captivate<l my 
 heart I how often tlid 1 weep over those en- 
 deariiifj' scenes which her imapre recalled ! and 
 how often did I curse my perfidious fate for 
 ha\'ini; robbed me of the fair orij^inul I In vain 
 did my imaj.nn!i'-i'"'n flatter mo with schemes 
 of future happiness : surly reason ahvaj's inter- 
 posed, and in a moment overthrew the unsub- 
 stantial fabric, by chastising^ the oxtravapanco 
 of ray hope, and representing my unhappy 
 situation in the right point of view. In 
 vain did I fly for rofug'e to the amusements of 
 the place, and en'.j:i;jo in the parties of Jack- 
 son at cai'ds, billiards, nine-pins, and fives; 
 a train of melancholy thou<jhts took posses- 
 sion of my soul, which even the conversation 
 of Molopoyn could not divert. I ordered 
 Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodg- 
 ings, in expectation of hearing' again from my 
 charmer ; and my disappointment consi<ler- 
 ably augmented my chagrin. My affectionate 
 valet was infected with my sorrow, and often 
 sat with mo whole hours without speaking, 
 uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for 
 tear. This fellowship increased our distem- 
 per ; lie became incapable of business, and 
 
 was discarded by his master ; while I, seeing 
 my money melt away without any certainty 
 of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes 
 frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all ap- 
 petite, and degenerated into such a sloven, 
 tb.at during the space of three months I was 
 neither washed, shifted, nor shaved ; so that 
 my face, rendered meagre with alistinenco, 
 was obscured with dirt, and ovorshadowed 
 with hair, aud my whole appearance squalid 
 and even frightful ; when, one day. Strap 
 brought mo notice, that there was a man be- 
 low who wanted to speak with me. Roused 
 at this intelligence, ami in full hopes of re- 
 ceiving a letter from the dear object of my 
 love, I ran downstairs with the utmost pre- 
 cipitation, and found to my infinite surprise 
 my generous uncle, Mr. Bowling I Trans- 
 ported at the sight, I sprang forward to em- 
 brace him. Upon which he started aside with 
 great agilitj', drew his hanger, and i>ut himself 
 ujjon his guard, crying, 'Avast, brother, avast! 
 sheer off. Yo ho ! you ttimkey, why don't you 
 keej) a lietter look out ? Here's one of yoiir 
 crazy prisonei*s broke from his lashings, I do 
 suppose.' I could not help laughii.g henrtiiy 
 at his mistake: but this I soon rectifietl by 
 my voice, whifh he instantly recollected, and 
 fihook me by the haml with great affection, 
 testifying his concern at seeing mo in such a 
 mi-icruble condition. 
 
 I conducted him to my apai-tment, where, 
 in presence of Strap, whom I introduced to 
 him as one of my best friends, he gave mo to 
 understand, that he was just arrived from the 
 Coast of ( luinea, after having made a pretty 
 successful voy.ige, in which ho had acted aa 
 mate, until the sliip was attacked by a P'rench 
 jirivatecr; that the captain being killed dur- 
 iiig the engagement,' ho had taken tho com- 
 maml, ami was so fortunate as to sink tho 
 enemy ; after whi>di exjdoit he fell in with a 
 morcliaiit ship from Martinico, laden wirh 
 sugar, indigo, and some silver; and by virtue 
 of his letter of mai-rpje, attacked, took, and 
 carried her safe into Kinsale in Ireland, whero 
 she was condemned as a lawful prize ; by 
 which means he had not only got a pretty sum 
 of money, but also acquired tho favour of his 
 owners, who had already conferred upon him 
 cho command of a large ship, mounted with 
 twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a 
 very advantageous voyage, which ho was not 
 at liberty to discover, And he assured mo 
 that it 'vi-us with tho greatest ditticulty ho 
 /ound me, in consequence of a direction left 
 for him at his lodgings at Wapping. 
 
 I was rejoiced beyond measure at this 
 account of his good fortune ; a:id, at his 
 desire, recounted all the adventures that had 
 ha;>poned to mo since wo parted. When ho 
 understood the particulars of Strap's attach- 
 ment to me, ho squeezed his hand very cor- 
 dially, and promised to mako a man of him ; 
 then, giving mo ten guineas for my prescjit 
 occasion, took a direction for tho tailor who 
 arrested mo, and went away in order to dis- 
 
174 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 charge the debt, telling me at parting, that 
 he would soon fetch up all my leeway with a 
 wet sail. 
 
 I was utterly confounded at this sudden 
 transition, which atfected me more than any 
 reverse I had formerly felt ; and a crowd of 
 incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon 
 iiiy imagina,tion, that mj' reason could neither 
 separate nor connect them ; when Strap, whoso 
 joy had manifested itself in a thousand fool- 
 eries, came into my room witli his shaving 
 iitensils, and without any previous intimation, 
 began to lather my beard, whistling with great 
 emotion all the while. I started from my 
 reverie, and, being too well acquainted with 
 Strap to trust mysef in his hands while ho 
 was under such agitation, desired to be ex- 
 cused, sent for another barber, and suffered 
 myself to be trimmed. Hnving performed the ' 
 cei'emony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing 
 in my gayest apparel, waited for the return of 
 my uncle, who was agreeably surjirised at my 
 suddeu transformation. 
 
 This boueficent kinsman had satisfied my 
 ci-cditor, and obtained an order for my dis- 
 charge, so that I v.-as no longer a prisoner ; 
 but, as I had some reluctance to part with my 
 friends and fellows in distress, I i)rovailed 
 111)011 Mr. Bowling to favour us with his com- 
 pany, and invited Mr. Molopoyn and Jackson 
 to spend the evening at my apai"tment, where 
 I regaled them with a supi)er, good wine, and 
 the news of my release, on which they heartily 
 congi-atulutcd me, notwithstanding the loss 
 of my company, whicli, they were pleased to 
 say, they should severely feel. As for Jackson, 
 his misfortune made so little impression on 
 himself, and he was altogether so loose, indif- 
 ferent, and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity 
 his situation : but I had conceived a vene- 
 ration and friendsliip for the poet, who was, 
 in all respects, an object much more worthy 
 of compassion and regard. "Wlien our guests 
 witlidrow, and my uncle had retired, witli an 
 intention of visiting me next morning, I made 
 up a bimdlo of some linen and other neces- 
 saries ; and, bidding Strap carry them to Mr. 
 Melopoyn's lodgings, went thither myself, and 
 pressed it upon his acceptance, with five 
 guineas, whicli, witli much difficulty, ho re- 
 ceived, assurini^ me at the same time, that ho 
 should never liave it in his power to make 
 satisfaction. I then asked if I could servo 
 him in any other way ; to which he answered, 
 ' You have already done too much ; ' and, un- 
 able to contain the emotions of his soul any 
 longer, burst into tears, and wept aloud.' 
 Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his re- 
 pose ; and, when my imclo retunied in the 
 morning, represented his character in such a 
 favourable light, that tlie honest seaman was 
 affected with his distress, and determined to 
 follow my example, in presenting him with 
 five pieces more ; upon which, that I might 
 save him some confusion, I advised Mr. Bow- 
 ling to inclose it in a letter to be delivered by 
 Strap, after wo should be gone. 
 
 This was accordingly done. I took a formal 
 leave of all my acquaintance in the gaol ; and, 
 just as I was about to step into a hackney 
 coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I re- 
 turned, and he asked me in a whisper, if I 
 could lend him a shilling ! His demand being 
 so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he 
 ^Nould make upon me, I slipped a guinea into 
 his hand, which he no sooner ])erceived, than 
 he cried, ' O Jesus, a guinea ! ' then laying 
 hold of a button of my coat, bi'oke out into 
 an immoderate fit of laughter ; and when his 
 convulsion v/as ended, told mo I was an honest 
 fellow, and let me go. The coachman was 
 ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings, 
 where, when we arrived, he entered into a 
 serious discourse with me, on the subject of 
 my situation, and proposed that I should sail 
 with him in quality of his surgeon ; in which 
 case he would put me in a method of getting 
 n fortune in a few years by my o^vn industry ; 
 and assured me, that I might expect to inherit 
 all that he should die i^ossesscd of, provided I 
 should survive him. Thougli I was ])enetratcd 
 with a sense of his generosity, I was startled 
 at a proposal that offered violence to my love, 
 and signified my sentiments on that head, 
 which ho did not seem to relish ; but observeil 
 that love was the finiit of idleness ; that when 
 once I should be omploye<l in business, and 
 my mind engaged in makuig money, I should 
 be no more troubled with these silly notions, 
 which none but your fair-weather Jacks, who 
 have nothing but their pleasure to mind, 
 ought to entertain. I wsis piciued at this in- 
 sinuation, which I U>okcd upon as a reproach, 
 and, without giving myself time to deliberate, 
 accepted his offer. Ho was overjoyed at my 
 compliance, carried me immediately to his 
 chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck ; 
 so that then I could not retract with honour, 
 had I been ever so much averse to the agree- 
 ment. Tliat I might not have time to cool, 
 ho batle me draw out u list of medicines for a 
 comjilement of five hundred men, adapted to 
 the distempers of hot climates, and sufficient 
 for a voyage of eighteen months ; and carry 
 it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who 
 would also provide mo in two well-qualified 
 mates, ^\^lilo I was thus employed Strap 
 came in, and looked very blank, when ho un- 
 dei-stood my resolution : however, after a 
 pause of some minutes, he insisted upon 
 going along with me ; and at my desire was 
 made ship's steward by Captain Bowling, 
 who promised to be at the expense of fitting 
 liim out, and to lend him two hundred pound* 
 to purchase an adventure. 
 
 AVheu I had delivered my list of medicines, 
 chosen a couple of my own countrymen for 
 mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instru- 
 ments, my uncle told me, that by his last 
 voyage he l^'ul cleai-ed almost three thousand 
 pounds, one-third of which he would immedi- 
 ately make over and put into my hands ; that 
 he would procure for me credit to the value 
 of a.s much more in such goods as would tm"n 
 
nODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 173 
 
 to befit account is the country to ishioh we 
 wore bound ; and thai, althou*,'!! ho looked 
 tipon my interest as his own, he Avould keep 
 ; iho rcmainiuf^ ]xirt of his fortmio in his own 
 ^disposal, with a view of preservinpr his indo- 
 nendencc, and the i)ower of pnnisliing' me, in 
 case I should not make a good use of what 
 ^c had already bestowed. 
 
 Without troublinfT tho reader with an ac- 
 count of the eflFect which this surprising 
 generosity had upon my mind, I shall only 
 say, that his promises were instantly per- 
 formed, and an invoice of merchandise pro- 
 per for tho voyage presented to mo, that I 
 mi;:ht purcliase the goods, and ship them 
 with all expedition. In the midst of this 
 hurry, the rcniombraneo of my charming 
 Nareissa often interposed, and made mc tho 
 most miserable of all mortals. 1 was dis- 
 tracted with the thought of being torn from 
 her, perhaps for ever ; and though the hope 
 of seeing her again might havo supported mo 
 under the torments of separation, I could not 
 rellect upon the anguish she must feel at part- 
 ing with me, and tho incessant sorrows to 
 which her tender bosom would be exposed 
 during my absence, without being pierced 
 with the deepest affliction ! As my imagina- 
 tion was daily and nightly upon tho rack to 
 invent some method of mitigating this cruel 
 stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and 
 honour in tho opinion of thi.s gentle creature, 
 I at length .stumbled upon an exi)ediont, witli 
 which the reader will bo made nc(|uainted in 
 duo time ; and, in consequence of my deter- 
 mination, became less uneasy and disturbed. 
 
 My business being fini.shed, and the ship 
 ready to sail, I resolved to make my last ap- 
 pearance among my acquaintance at the f>ther 
 end of the town, wlu'ro I ha<l not been since 
 my impi-isonment ; and as I hail, liy the a<lvico 
 of my uncle, taken off some very rich clothes 
 for sale, I put on tho gayest suit in my i)08- 
 session, and wont in a chair to tho cotfec- 
 house I used to frequent, where I found my 
 friend Banter so confounded at tho magni- 
 ficence of my dress, that, when I made up to 
 him, he gazed at mo with a look of astonish- 
 ment, without being able, for some minutes, 
 to open his lips ; then pulling me aside l)y 
 the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, ac- 
 costed me thus: 'Random, where the devil 
 have you been ! eh 'f What is tho meaning of 
 all tliis finery P ( )ho ! I understand you. You 
 arc ju.st arrived from tlio country ! what, tho 
 roads are good, eh :-' Well, Random, you are 
 a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow ! but take 
 care, the pitcher goes often to the well, but 
 is broke at last.' So saying, he pointed to his 
 collar; by which gesture, and tho broken 
 hints he had ejaculated, I found ho suspected 
 me of haviu'; ri>l>lied on the hij-'hway : and I 
 laughed very heartily at his supposition. 
 Without explaining myself any further, T told 
 him lie was mistaken in his cimjecture ; that 
 I ha<l been for some time past with the rel.a- 
 tiou of whom ho had frequently heard me 
 
 speak ; and that, as I should set out next day 
 upon my travels, I had come to lake my 
 leave of my friends, and to receive of liim tho 
 money he had borrowed from me, which, now 
 that I Avas going abroad, 1 shoidd certainly 
 have occasion for. Ho wiis a little discon- 
 certed at this demand ; but, recollecting him- 
 self in a moment, swore in an affected passion, 
 that I had used him extremely ill, and ho 
 would never forgive me for haA'ing, l\y this 
 short Avarning, put it out of his power to free 
 himself of an obligation he could no longer 
 boar. I could not help smiling at this pro- 
 tended delicacy, which I commended highly, 
 tolling him he needed not to bo uneasy on 
 that score, for I would give him a direc- 
 tion to a merchant in tho city, with 
 Avhom I would leave a discharge for tho 
 sum, to be delivered upon payment. Ho 
 professed much J03' at this expedient, and 
 with great eagerness asked the jicrson's name 
 and jjlace of abode, which ho forthwith wrote 
 in his pocket-book, assuring me, that ho 
 should not bo long in my debt. This affair, 
 which I knew he would never after think of, 
 being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards 
 to all my friends, desiring tho favour of their 
 company at a tavern in the evening, when 
 they honoured my invitation, and I luid tho 
 I)leasure of treating them in a very elegant 
 manner, at which they expressed equal admi- 
 ration as applause. Having enjoyed oiu-solves 
 till midnight, I took my leave of thorn, and 
 was well nigh stifled with caresses : next day, 
 I set out with Strap in a postchaiso for 
 rSravesend, where we went on board ; and tho 
 wind serving, weighed anchor in less than 
 twelvo hours. Without meeting with any 
 accident, we reached tho Downs, where wo 
 were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait 
 for an easterly wind to carry us out of tho 
 Channel. 
 
 CHAPTER LXV. 
 I set out for Sussex — consult Mrs. Sageley — 
 rchicve nn Intci-ricw with Nareissa — return. 
 In Ihc Ship — ire fjct clear of the Channel — I 
 learn our Destination — tec are chased by a, 
 larije Ship — the company are dismayed, and. 
 encouraged by the Captain's speech — our 
 pnrsuer happens to he an English Man of 
 War — u-c arri^•e at the Coast of Guinea, 
 purchase four hundred Negroes — sail for 
 Paraguay, get safe into the Hirer of Plate, 
 and stll uur Cargo to great Aduantage. 
 
 IT was now I put in execution the scheme I 
 had projected at London ; and asking 
 leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay 
 on shore till the wind should become favour- 
 able, my request was granted, because he had 
 oriiersto remain in the Downs until ho should 
 receive some dispatchc's from London, which 
 he did not expect in less than a week. Having 
 imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, 
 who (though ho endeavoured to dissuade me 
 from such a rash undertaking) would not quit 
 
176 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 me in the enterprise, I liired liorses, and set 
 out immediately for that part of Sussex 
 •where my charmer was confined, which was 
 not above thirty miles distant from Deal, 
 where Ave mounted. As I was perfectly well 
 acqiiainted with the extent of the squire's 
 estate and influence, I halted within five 
 miles of his house, where we remained till 
 the twilight, at which time we set forward, 
 and, by the favour of a dark nig-ht, reached a 
 copse about half-a-mile from the village where 
 Mrs. Sagely lived. Here Ave left our horses 
 tied to a tree, and Avent directly to the house 
 of my old benefactress. Strap trembling all 
 the way, and venting ejaculatory petitions to 
 heaven for our safety. Her habitation being 
 quite solitary, we arrived at the door without 
 being observed, AAdien I ordered my companion 
 to enter by himself; and, in case there should 
 be company with her, deliver a letter which 
 I had writ for that purpose, and say that a 
 friend of hers in London, understanding that 
 he intended to travel this road, had committed 
 it to his care. He rapped at the door, to 
 Avhich the good old matron coming, told him 
 that, being a lone Avoman, he must excuse 
 her, if she did not open it, until ho had 
 declared his name and business. He an- 
 SAvercd, that his name was unknoAvn to her, 
 and that his business Avas to deliver a letter, 
 Avhich (to free her from all apprehension) he 
 Avould convey to her through the space be- 
 tAveen the door and threshold. This he in- 
 stantly performed : and she no sooner read 
 the contents, Avhich specified my being pre- 
 sent, than she cried, ' If the ijcrson Avho Avroto 
 this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I 
 may be assured by his voice Avhether or not I 
 may safely admit him.' I forthAvith applied 
 my moutla to the keyhole, and pronounced, 
 ' Dear mother, you need not be afraid, it is I, 
 so much indebted to your goodness, who noAV 
 crave admittance.' She knev\^ my voice, and 
 opening the door immediately, received me 
 Avith a truly maternal affection, manifesting, 
 by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I 
 should be discoA^ered, for she had been in- 
 formed of everything that had happened 
 between Narcissa and me from the dear cap- 
 tive's OAvn mouth. When I explained the 
 motive of my journey, Avhich Avas no other 
 than a desire of seeing the object of my love 
 before I should quit the kingdom, that I 
 might in person convince her of the necessity 
 I Avas imder to leave her, reconcile her to that 
 event, by describing the advantages that in 
 all probaljility Avould attend it, repeat my 
 voAv.s of eternal constancy, and enjoy the me- 
 lancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at 
 parting. I say, when I had thus signified my 
 intention, Mrs. Sagely told me, that Narcissa, 
 upon her return from Bath, had been so 
 strictly Avatched, that nobody but one or tAVO 
 of the servants, devoted to her brother, Avas 
 admitted to her presence ; that afterAvards she 
 had been a little enlarged, and Avas permitted 
 to see company; during Avhich indulgence, 
 
 she had been several times at the cottage ; but 
 of late she had been betrayed by one of the 
 servants, Avho discovered to the squire, that 
 he had once carried a letter from her to the 
 post-house directed to me ; upon Avhich in- 
 formation she was noAV more confined than 
 ever, and that I could have no chance of see- 
 ing her, unless I Avould run the risk of getting 
 into the garden, Avhero she and her maid were 
 every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid 
 until I should have an opportunity of speaking 
 to them — an adventure attended Avith such 
 danger, that no man in his right wits Avould 
 attempt it. This enterprise, hazardous as it 
 was, I resolved to perform, in spite of all the 
 arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, 
 chid, and entreated by turns ; and the tears 
 and prayers of Strap, Avho conjured me on 
 his knees, to have more regard to myself as 
 Avell as to him, than to attempt my own de- 
 struction in such a precipitate manner. I 
 Avas deaf to everything but the suggestions 
 of my loA'e ; and ordering him to return 
 immediately Avith the horses to the inn from 
 Avhonce we set out, and Avait for my coming 
 in that place, he at first peremptorily refused 
 to leaA^e me, until I persuaded him, that if 
 our horses should remain Avhcre they Avero 
 till daylight, they Avould certainly be dis- 
 covered, and the Avhole country alarmed. On 
 this consideration, ho took his leave in a 
 sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and, Aveep- 
 ing, cried, ' God knows if ever I shall see 
 you again.' My kind landlady, finding me 
 obstinate, gave me her best advice how to 
 behave in the execution of my project : and 
 after liaA'ing persuaded me to take a little 
 refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, 
 and left me to my repose. Early in the morn- 
 ing I arose, and armed with a couple of loaded 
 pistols and a hanger, Avent to the back piart 
 of the squire's garden, climbed over the Avail, 
 and, according to Mrs. Sagely's direction, 
 concealed myself in a thicket, hard by an al- 
 coA'e that terminated a walk at a good dis- 
 tance from the house, which (I was told) my 
 mistress mostly frequented. Here I absconded 
 from five o'clock in the morning to six in 
 the evening, Avithoiit seeing a human crea- 
 ture ; at last I perceived tAvo AVoman ap- 
 proaching, Avhom, by my throbbing heart, I 
 soon recognised to be the adorable Narcissa 
 and Miss Williams. I felt the strongest 
 agitation of soul at the sight ; and guessing 
 that they Avould repose themselves in the 
 alcove, stepped into it unperceived, and laid 
 upon the stone table a picture of myself in '■ 
 miniature, for Avliich I had sat in London, 
 purposing to leave it Avith Narcissa before I 
 shoidd go abroad. I exposed it in this man- 
 ner, as an introduction to my oAvn appearance, 
 Avhich, Avithout some previous intimation, I 
 Avas afraid might have an unlucky effect upon 
 the delicate nerves of my fair enslaA^er ; and 
 then withdrcAV into the thicket, Avhere I 
 could hear their discourse, and suit myself 
 to the circumstances of the occasion. As 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 177 
 
 they advanced, I observed an air of melan- 
 \ choly in the countenance of Narcissa, blended 
 \with such unspeakable sweetness, that I 
 \could scarce refrain from flying into her arms, 
 Wd kissing away the pearly drop that stood 
 collected in each bewitching eye. According 
 b my expectation, she entered the alcove, 
 md perceiving something on the table, took 
 i\up. No sooner did she cast her eye upon 
 tfc features, than, startled at the rcsein- 
 blbce, she cried, ' Good God !' and the roses 
 ini^ntly vanished from her cheeks. Her 
 conVlante, alarmed at this exclarnation, 
 loolifd at the picture ; and, struck with the 
 lilveiipss, exclaimed, ' O Jesus ! the very 
 features of Mr. Eandoni !' Narcissa, having 
 recoll\cted herself a little, said, ' AVhatover 
 angel brought it hither as a comfort to me 
 in my tfHiction, I am thankful for the benefit, 
 and wili preserve it as the dearest object of 
 my card So saying, she kissed it with sur- 
 prising ardour, shed a flood of tears, and 
 then depoiited the lifeless imago in her lovely 
 bosom. Ivansported at these symptoms of 
 her unaltered attection, I was about to throw 
 myself at ^er feet, when Miss Williams, 
 Avhose reflection was less engaged than that 
 of her misti'sss, observed that the picture 
 could not transport itself hither, and that 
 she could not l,elp thinking I was not far off. 
 The gentle Narcissa, starting at this con- 
 jecture, answered, ' Heaven forbid ! for al- 
 though nothing in the universe could yield 
 me satisfaction equal to that of his presence 
 for one poor moment, in a proper place, I 
 would rather forfeit his comjiany — almost for 
 ever, than see him here, where his life would 
 be exposed to so much danger.' I coirld no 
 longer restrain the impulse of my passion, 
 but, brealdng from my concealment, stood 
 before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek, 
 and fainted in the arms of her companion. I 
 flew towards the treasure of my soul, clasped 
 her in my embrace, and with the warmth of 
 my kisses, brought her again to life. Oh that 
 I were endowetl with the expression of a 
 Raphael, the graces of a Guide, the magic 
 touches of a Titian, that I might represent 
 the fond concern, the chastened rapture, and 
 ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beau- 
 teous face, when she opened her eyes upon 
 me, and pronounced, ' O heavens ! is it you ?' 
 I am afraid I have already encroached 
 upon the reader's patience vnth the par- 
 ticulars of this amour, on which (I own) I 
 cannot help being impertinently circumstan- 
 tial. I shall therefore omit the less material 
 passages of this interview, during which I 
 Convinced her reason, though I could not 
 appease the sad presages of her love, with 
 regard to the long voyage and dangers I must 
 undergo. When we had spent an hour 
 (which was all she could spare from the bar- 
 barity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting 
 •ver our hard fate, and in repeating our reci- 
 procal vows. Miss Williams reminded us of 
 the necessity there was for 'Our immediate 
 
 parting ; and, sure, lovers never parted with 
 such sorrow and reluctance as we. But be- 
 cause my words are incapable of doing justice 
 to this affecting circumstance, I am obliged 
 to draw a veil over it, and observe, that I 
 returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. 
 Sagely, who was overjoyed to hear of my 
 success, and opposed the tumults of my grief 
 with such strength of reason, that my mind 
 regained, in some measure, its tranquillity ; 
 and that very night, after having forced upon 
 the good gentlewoman a purse of twenty 
 guineas, as a token of my gratitude and 
 esteem, I took my leave of her, and set out 
 on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed 
 honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable 
 dread. 
 
 We took horse immediately, and alighted 
 early ne^t morning at Deal, where I found 
 my uncle in great concern on account of my 
 absence, because he had received his des- 
 patches, and must have weighed with the first 
 fair wind, whether I had been on board or 
 not. Nest day, a brisk easterly gale springing 
 up, we set sail, and in eight and forty hours 
 got clear of the Channel. 
 
 Wlien we were about two hundred leagues 
 to westward of the Land's End, the captain, 
 taking me apart into the cabin, told me that, 
 now he v.'as permitted by his instructions, ho 
 would disclose the intent and destination of 
 our voyage. ' The shiii,' said he, ' which has 
 been fitted out at a great expense, is bound 
 for the coast of Guinea, where wo shall ex- 
 change part of our cargo for slaves and gold 
 dust ; from whence we will transport our 
 negroes to Buenos Aja-es in New Spain, where 
 (by virtue of passports, obtained from our 
 own court, and that of Madrid) we will dis- 
 pose of them and the goods that remain on 
 board for silver, by means of our supercargo, 
 who is perfectly well acquainted with the 
 coast, the lingo, and inhabitants.' Being thus 
 let into the secret of our expedition, I bor- 
 rowed of the supercargo a Spanish grammar, 
 dictionary, and some other books of the samo 
 language, which I studied with such applica- 
 tion that, before we arrived in New Spain, I 
 could maintain a conversation with him in 
 that tongue. Being ai-rived in the warm 
 latitudes, I ordered (with the captain's con- 
 sent) the whole ship's company to be blooded 
 and purged, myself undergoing the same eva- 
 cuation, in order to prevent those dangerous 
 fevers to which northern constitutions are 
 subject in hot climates ; and I have reason to 
 believe, that this precaiition was not unser- 
 viceable, for we lost but one sailor during our 
 whole passage to the coast. 
 
 One day, when we had been about five 
 weeks at sea, we descried to windward a largo 
 ship bearing down upon us with all the sail 
 .she could carry. Upon which, my uncle or- 
 dered the studding-sails to be hoisted, and the 
 ship to bo cleared for engaging ; but, finding 
 that (to use the seaman's phrase) we were 
 very mi^ch wronged by the ship which had us 
 
178 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 1 
 
 iu chase, and which by this time had hoisted 
 French colours, he comniaiided the studdiiig'- 
 sails to bo taken in, the courses to be clewed 
 up, the main topsail to be backed, the tom- 
 pions to ho taken out of the guns, and every 
 man to roi^air to his quarters. While every- 
 body was busied in the performance of these 
 orders. Strap came upon the quarter-deck, 
 trembling nnd looking aghast, and, with a 
 voice half-suppressed by fear, asked if I 
 thought we were a match for the vessel in 
 pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, 
 I said, ' What ! are you afraid. Strap ?' 'Afraid ! 
 (ho replied) ; n-n-no ; what should I be afraid 
 of? I thank God I have a clear conscience ; 
 but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I 
 wish you may not have occasion for another 
 hand to assist you in the cock-pit.' I imme- 
 diately perceived his drift, and making the 
 captain acquainted with his situation, desired 
 he might be stationed below with me and my 
 mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillani- 
 mity, bade me send him down instantly, that 
 his fear might not infect the ship's company ; 
 whereupon, I told the poor steward that I 
 had begged him for my assistant, and desired 
 him to go down and help my mates to get 
 ready the instruments and dressings. Not- 
 withstanding the satisfaction he must have 
 felt at these tidings, he affected a shyness of 
 quitting the upper deck ; and said, he hoped 
 I did not imagine he was afraid to do his 
 duty above board ; for he believed himself as 
 well prepared for death as any man in the 
 ship, no disparagement to me or the captain. 
 I Avas disgusted at this affectation ; and, in 
 order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him he 
 might take his choice, either of going down 
 to the cockpit with me, or of staying \ipon 
 deck during the engagement. Alarmed at 
 this indifference, he replied, ' Well, to oblige 
 you, I'll go down, but remember it is more 
 for your sake than my own.' So saying, he 
 disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting 
 for an answer. 
 
 By this time, we could observe two tier of 
 guns in the ship Avhich pursued us, and which 
 was now but two short miles astern. This 
 discovery had an evident effect upon the 
 sailors, who did not scruple to say, that we 
 should be torn to pieces, and blown out of 
 the Avater, and that, if in ease any of them 
 should lose their precious limbs, they must 
 go a begging for life, for there was no provi- 
 sion made by the merchants for those poor 
 souls who are maimed in their service. The 
 captain, understanding this backwardness, 
 ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them 
 thus : ' My lads, I am told you hang an 
 a — se. I have gone to sea thirty years, a man 
 and a boy, and never saw English sailors 
 afraid boForr-. ]\Iayliap you may think I want 
 to expose you for the lucre of gain. Whosoever 
 thinks so, thinks a d — ncd lie, for my whole 
 cargo is insured ; so that, in case I should be 
 taken, my loss would not be great. The 
 enemy is stronger than we, to be sure. What 
 
 then ? have we not a chance for carrying 
 away one of her masts, and so get clear ofj 
 her ? If we find her too hard for us, 'tis bufi 
 striking at last. If any man is hurt in th( 
 engagement, I promise on tlio word of ai 
 honest seaman, to make him a rccompcnie 
 according to his loss. So now, you tbt 
 are iazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get awi.V 
 and skulk in the hold and bread-room ; 3id 
 you, that are jolly boys, stand by me, ind 
 let us give one broadside for the honoir of 
 Old England.' This eloquent haranr^ue Av^s so 
 well adapted to the disposition of his he;rors, 
 that one and all of them, pulling off theiihats, 
 waved them over their heads, and sJutecl 
 him with three cheers ; upon which h3 sent 
 his boy for two large case-bottles of kandy : 
 and, having treated every man with t dram, 
 they repaired to their quarters, anc" waited 
 impatiently for the word of command I must 
 do my ixncle the justice to say, thit in the 
 whole of his disposition, he behavei with the 
 utmost intrepidity, conduct, and deliberation. 
 The enemy being very near, he oriiered me to 
 my station, and Avas just going to give the 
 word for hoisting the colours and firing, 
 when the supposed Frenchman hauled down 
 his Avhite pennant, jack, and ensign, hoisted 
 English ones, and fired a gur a-head of lis. 
 This Avas a joyful event to Captain BoAvling, 
 Avho immediately shoAved his colours, and fired 
 a gun to leew^ard ; upon Avhich the other ship 
 ran alongside of us, hailed him, and, giving 
 him to know that she Avas aa English man-of- 
 war of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his 
 boat and come on board. This command he 
 obeyed Avith the more alacrity, because, upon 
 inquiry, he found that slie was commanded 
 by an old messmate of his. who was overjoyed 
 to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent 
 his barge for the supercargo and me, Avho Avere 
 very much caressed on his account. As this 
 commander Avas destined to cruise upon the 
 French in the latitude of Martinico, his stem 
 and quarters were adorned Avith white fleurs- 
 de-lis, and the Avhole shell of the ship so much 
 disguised for a decoy to the enemy, that it 
 was no wonder my uncle did not knoA\' her, 
 although he had sailed on board of her many 
 years. We kept company with her four days. 
 during Avhich time the captains were never 
 asunder, and then parted, our course lying 
 different from hers. 
 
 In less than a fortnight after our separation, 
 Ave made the land of Guinea, nqar the mouth 
 of the Eiver Gambia ; and trading along the 
 coast as far to the sonthAvard of the Line as 
 Angola and Eengula, in less than six months 
 disposed of the greatest part of our cargo, and 
 purchased four hundred negroes, my adven- 
 ture having been laid out in gold dust. 
 
 Our complement being made up, Ave tnok our 
 departure from Cape Ncgroe, and arrived in 
 the Kio de la Plata in six weeks, having met 
 with nothing remarkable in our vo3'age, ex- 
 cept an eijidemic fcA'er, not unlike the jail 
 distemper, Avhich broke out among our slaves, 
 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 179 
 
 'fnd carried off a good many of the ship's com- 
 any ; among whom I lost one of my mates, 
 lid poor Strap had well nigh given up the 
 .giost. Having produced our passport to the 
 Skauish governor, wo were received with 
 ri^at courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few 
 daVs, and could have put off five times the 
 nubber at our own price ; thovigh we Avere 
 oblted to smuggle the rest of our merchan- 
 dise! consisting of European bale-goods, which 
 how\ver we made shift to dispose of at a 
 greatiad vantage . 
 
 CHAPTER LXVI. 
 
 I am h.vited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, 
 V}lic'r\'ive meet vHth an English Oentleman, 
 and ni^ke a very interesting discovery — we 
 leave Buenos Ayres, and airive at Jamaica. 
 
 OUE ship being freed from the disagreeable 
 lading of negroes, to whom indeed I 
 had been a miserable slave since our leaving 
 the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, 
 and breathe with pleasure the pure air of 
 Paraguay, this part of which is reckoned the 
 Montpelier of South America, and has ob- 
 tained, on account of its climate, the name 
 of Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious 
 place that I gave myself entirely up to the 
 thoughts of my dear Nareissa, whose image 
 still kept possession of my breast, and whose 
 charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to 
 my imagination, if possible, more engaging 
 than ever ! I calculated the profits of my 
 voyage, which even exceeded my expecta- 
 tion ; resolved to purchase a liandsome 
 sinecure upon my arrival in England, and 
 if I should find the squire as averse to 
 me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; 
 and in case our family should increase, rely 
 upon the generosity of my uncle, who was 
 by this time worth a considerable sum. 
 
 While I amiised myself with these agree- 
 able projects, and the transporting hopes of 
 enjoyinj<- Nareissa, we were very much ca- 
 ressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who fre- 
 quently formed parties of pleasure for our 
 entertainment, in which we made excursions 
 a good way into the country. Among those 
 who signalised themselves by their civility to 
 us, was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very 
 polite young gentleman, with whom I had 
 contracted an intimate friendship, who in- 
 vited us one day to his country house, and, 
 as a fiu'ther inducement to our compliance, 
 promised to procure for us the company of 
 an English Signer, who had been settled in 
 those parts many years, and acquired the 
 love and esteem of the whole province by his 
 affability, good sense, and honourable beha- 
 viour. 
 
 We accepted his invitation, and set out for 
 his villa, where we had not been longer than 
 an hour, when the person arrived, in whose 
 favour I had been so much prepossessed. He 
 was a tall man, remarkably well shaped, of 
 
 a fine mien and appearance, commanding re- 
 spect, and seemed to be turned of forty ; the 
 features of his face were saddened with a 
 reserve and gra^-ity, which in other countries 
 would have been thought the effect of melan- 
 choly ; but here appeared to have been con- 
 tracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, 
 who are remarkable for that severity of 
 countenance. Understanding from Don An- 
 tonio that we were his countrymen, he 
 saluted us all round very complacently, and 
 fixing his eyes very attentively on me, uttered 
 a deep sigh. I had been struck with a pro- 
 found veneration for him at liis first coming 
 into the room ; and no sooner observed this 
 expression of his sorrow, directed, as it were, 
 in a particular manner to me, than my heart 
 took part in his grief ; I sympathised involun- 
 tarily, and sighed in my turn. Having asked 
 leave of our entertainer, he accosted us in 
 English, professed his satisfaction at seeing 
 so many of his countrymen in such a remote 
 place, and asked the captain, who went by the 
 name of Signer Thoma, from what part of 
 Britain he had sailed, and whither he was 
 bound. My uncle told him that we had sailed 
 from the River Thames, and were bound for 
 the same place by the way of Jamaica, where 
 we intended to take in a lading of sugar. 
 
 Having satisfied himself in these and other 
 jDarticulars about the state of the war, he 
 gave us to understand, that he had a longing 
 desire to revisit his native country, in conse- 
 quence of which he had already transmitted 
 to Europe the gi-eatest part of his fortune in 
 neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark 
 the rest of it with himself in our ship, pro- 
 vided the captain had no objection to such a 
 passenger. My uncle very prudently rejjlied, 
 that for his part he should be glad of his 
 company, if he could procure the consent of 
 the governor, without which he durst not 
 admit him on board, Avhatever inclination he 
 had to oblige him. The gentleman approved 
 of his discretion, and telling him that there 
 would be no difficulty in obtaining the con- 
 nivance of the governor, who Avas his good 
 friend, shifted the conversation to another 
 subject. 
 
 I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and 
 already interested myself so much in his 
 favour that, had he been disappointed, I should 
 have been very unhappy. In the course of 
 our entertainment, he eyed me with uncom- 
 mon attachment ; I felt a surprising attraction 
 towards him ; when he spoke, I listened with 
 attention and reverence ; the dig-nity of his 
 deportment filled me with affection and awe'; 
 and, in short, the emotions of my soul, in 
 presence of this stranger, were strong and un- 
 accountable. 
 
 Having spent the best part of the day with 
 us, he took his leave, telling Captain Thoma, 
 that he should hear from him in a short time. 
 He was no sooner gone than I asked a thou- 
 sand questions about him of Don Antonio, 
 who could give me no other satisfaction than 
 
180 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 I 
 
 that his name was Don Rodrigo, that he had 
 lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts, 
 M^as reputed rich, and supposed to have been 
 imfoi'tunate in his younger years, because lie 
 •\vas observed to nourish a pensive melancholy, 
 even from the time of his first settlement 
 among them ; but that nobody had ventured 
 to inquire into the cause of his sorrow, in 
 consideration of his peace, which might suffer 
 in the recapitulation of his misfortunes. 
 
 I was seized with an irresistible desire ot 
 knowing the particulars of his fate, and enj oy ed 
 not one hour of repose during the whole night, 
 by reason of the eager conceptions that inspired 
 mo with regard to his story, which I resolved 
 (if possible) to learn. Next morning, while 
 wo were at breakfast, three mules, richly ca- 
 parisoned, arrived with a message from Don 
 liodrigo, desiring our company, and tliat of 
 Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated 
 about ten miles farther up in the country. I 
 was pleased with this invitation, in conse- 
 quence of which we mounted the mules which 
 he had provided for us, and alighted at his 
 house before noon. Here we were splendidly 
 entertained by the generous stranger, who 
 still seemed to show a particular regard for 
 me, and after dinner made me a present of a 
 ring, set with a beautiful amethyst, the pro- 
 duction of that country, saying, at the same 
 time, that ho was once blessed with a son, 
 who, had he lived, would have been nearly of 
 niy age. This observation, delivered with a 
 profound sigh, made my heart throb with vio- 
 lence : a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon 
 my imagination, which, while I endeavoured 
 to unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of 
 thought, and tapping mo on the shoulder, 
 said, ' Oons, are you asleep, Eory ?' Before 
 I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with un- 
 common eagerness of voice and look, pro- 
 nounced, ' Pray, captain, what is the young 
 gentleman's name?' 'His name,' said my 
 nncle, • is Roderick Random.' ' Gracious 
 Powers ! ' cried the stranger, starting up — 
 ' And his mother's ? ' ' His mother,' answered 
 the captain, amazed, ' was called Charlotte 
 Bowling.' '0 bounteous Heaven !' exclaimed 
 Don Rodrigo, springing across tho table, and 
 clasping me in his arms, ' my son ! my son ! 
 have I found thee again ? do I hold theo in 
 my embrace, after having lost and despaired 
 of seeing thee so long?' So saying, hefell 
 upon my neck, and wept aloud with joy ; 
 while the power of nature operating strongly 
 in my breast. I was lost in rapture, and while 
 Jie pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower 
 of tears in his bosom. His utterance was 
 choked up a good while by the agitation of 
 his soul ; at length he broke out into ' Mys- 
 terious Providence ! — O my dear Charlotte, 
 there yet remains a pledge of our love ! and 
 suchapledge ! — so found! O infinite Goodness, 
 let me adore thy all-wise decrees ! ' Having 
 thus expressed himself, he kneeled upon the 
 floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to heaven, 
 and remained some minutes in a silent ecstacy 
 
 i 
 
 of devotion. I put myself in the samo posture, 
 adored the all-good Dispenser in a prayer o: 
 mental thanksgiving : and when his ejacv 
 lation was ended, did homage to my fathe', 
 and craved his paternal blessing. He hugged 
 me again withnnutterable fondness, and havi ig 
 implored the protection of Heaven upon ny 
 head, raised me from the ground, and pre- 
 sented me as his son to the company, vho* 
 wept in concert over this aft'ecting scene. 
 Among the rest, my uncle did not foil to 
 discover the goodness and joy of his leart. 
 Albeit unused to tlto mcltiuij mood, he blub-' 
 bered with great tenderness, and wringing my 
 father's hand, cried, ' Brother Random, I'm 
 rejoiced to see you — God be praised I'or this 
 happy meeting!' Don Rodrigo, nnderscanding 
 that he was his brother-in-law, embraced him 
 affectionately, saying ' Are you my Ckarlotte'a 
 brother ? Alas ! unhappy Charlotte ! but 
 why should I repine ? we shall meet again, 
 never more to part ! Brother, you are truly 
 welcome. Dear son, I am transported with 
 unspeakable joy ! This day is a jubilee — 
 my friends and servants shall share my 
 satisfaction.' 
 
 While he dispatched messengers to the 
 gentlemen in the neighbourhood, to announce 
 this event, and gave orders for a grand 
 entertainment, I was so much affected with 
 the tumults of passion, which assailed mo 
 on this great, sudden, and unexpected occa- 
 sion, that I fell sick, fevered, and in less than 
 three hours became quite delirious ; so that 
 the i^reparations were countermanded, and 
 the joy of the family converted into grief 
 and despair. Physicians were instantly called, 
 I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my 
 lower extremities were bathed in a decoction 
 of salutiferous herbs : in ten hours after I 
 was taken ill I enjoyed a critical sweat, and 
 next day felt no remains of the distemper, 
 but an agreeable lassitude, which did not i 
 hinder me from getting up. During the l| 
 progress of this fever, which, from the term ' 
 of its duration, is called ephemera, my father 
 never once quitted my bedside, but adminis- J j 
 tered the prescriptions of the physicians with 1| 
 the most pious care ; while Captain Bowling 
 manifested his concern by the like attendance. 
 I no sooner found myself delivered from the 
 disease, than I bethought myself of my honest 
 friend Strap ; and resolving to make him 
 happy forthwith in the knowledge of my good 
 fortune, told my father in general, that I had 
 been iniinitely obliged to this faithful adherent, 
 and begged he would indulge me so far as to 
 send for him, without letting him know my 
 happiness, until he could receive an account 
 of it from my own mouth. 
 
 My request was instantly complied with, 
 and a messenger with a spare mule despatched \ 
 to tho ship, carrying orders from the captain 
 to the mate, to send the steward by the ^ 
 bearer. My health being, in the meantime, 
 re-established, and my mind composed, I 
 began to relish this important turn of my 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 181 
 
 brttine, in reflecting; upon tlie advantafres 
 ivitli wliicli it must be attended ; and, as the 
 lea of my lovely Narcissa always joined 
 liself to eveiy scene of happiness I could 
 imagine, I entertained myself now with the 
 pMspect of possessing her in that distin- 
 gitshed sphere to which she was entitled by 
 hei, birth and qualifications. Having often 
 mei^tioned her name while I was deprived of 
 my senses, my father guessed that there was 
 an ii^timate connection between lis, and dis- 
 covering the picture which hung in my 
 bosom by a ribbon, did not doubt that it was 
 the resemblance of my amiable mistress. In 
 this belief he was confirmed by my uncle, who 
 told him that it was the picture of a young- 
 woman, to whom I was under promise of 
 marriage. Alarmed at this piece of informa- 
 tion, Ddii Rodrigo took the first opportunity 
 of questioning mo about the particulars of 
 this affair, which when I had candidly re- 
 counted, he approved of my xjassion, and 
 promised to contribute all in his power 
 towards its success. ThoLighl never doubted 
 ■ his generosity, I was transported on this 
 occasion, and, throwing myself at his feet, 
 told him, he had now completed my happiness, 
 for, Avithout the possession of Narcissa, I 
 should be miserable among all the pleasures 
 of life. He raised me with a smile of paternal 
 fondness ; said he knew what it was to be in 
 love ; and observed that, if he had been as 
 tenderly beloved by his father as I was by 
 mine, he should not now perhaps have cause 
 — Here he was interrupted by a sigh, the tear 
 rushed mto his eye, suppressed the dictates 
 of his grief, and, the time being opportune, 
 desired me to relate the passages of my life, 
 which my uncle had told him were manifold 
 and surprising. I recounted the most material 
 circumstances of my fortune, to which he 
 listened with wonder and attention, mani- 
 festing from time to time those diflerent 
 emotions which my different situations may 
 be supposed to have raised in a parent's 
 breast; and, when my detail was ended, 
 blessed God for the adversity I had under- 
 gone, which, he said, enlarged the under- 
 standing, improved the heart, steeled the 
 constitution, and qualified a young man for 
 all the duties and enjoyments of life much 
 better than any education which afiluence 
 could bestow. 
 
 When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I 
 discovered an inclination to hear the par- 
 ticulars of his story, whicli he gratified by 
 beginning with his marriage, and proceeded 
 to the day of his disappearing, as I have 
 related in the first part of my memoirs. 
 ' Careless of life,' continued he, ' and unable 
 to live in a place where every object recalled 
 the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I 
 had lost through the barbarity of an unnatural 
 parent, I took my leave of you, my child, 
 then an infant, witli a heart full of unutterable 
 woe, but little suspecting that my father's 
 unkindness would liave descended to my 
 
 innocent orphan; and setting out alone at 
 midnight for the nearest seaport, early next 
 morning got on board a ship, bound, as I had 
 heard, for France ; and, bargaining with the 
 master for my passage, bade a long adieu to 
 my native country, and put to sea with the 
 first fair wind. The place of our destination 
 was Granville, but we had the misfortune to 
 run upon a ridge of rocks near the Island of 
 Alderney, called the Caskets, where the sea 
 running high, the ship went to pieces, the 
 boat sunk alongside, and every soul on board 
 perished, except myself, who, by the assis- 
 tance of a grating, got ashore on the coast of 
 Normandy. I went directly to Caen, where 
 I was so lucky as to meet with a count, whom 
 I had formerly known in my travels : with 
 this gentleman I set out for Paris, where I 
 was recommended b}^ him and other friends, 
 as tutor to a young nobleman, whom I accom- 
 panied to the court of Spain. There we re- 
 mained a whole year, at the end of which, my 
 pupil being recalled by liis father, I quitted 
 my ofiice, and .stayed behind, by the advice of 
 a certain Spanish grandee, who took me into 
 his protection, and introduced me to another 
 nobleman, who was afterwards created vice- 
 roy of Peru. He insisted on my attending 
 him to his government of the Indies, where, 
 however, by reason of my religion, it was not 
 in his power to make my fortune any other 
 way than by encouraging me to trade, which 
 I had not long prosecuted when my patron 
 died, and I found myself in the midst of 
 strangers, without one friend to support or 
 protect me. Urged by this consideration, I 
 sold my efli'ects, and removed to this country, 
 the governor of which, having- been appointed 
 by the viceroy, was my intimate acquaintance. 
 Hero has heaven prospered my endeavours, 
 during a residence of sixteen years, in Avhich 
 my tranquillity was never invaded but by the 
 remembrance of your mother, whose death I 
 have in secret mourned Avithout ceasing, and 
 the reflection of you, whoso fate I could never 
 learn, notwithstanding all my inquiries by 
 means of my friends in France, who, after 
 the most strict examination, could give me no 
 other account than that you went abroad six 
 j'ears ago, and was never after heard of. I 
 could not rest satisfied with this imperfect in- 
 formation, and, though my hope of fijiding- 
 you Vfas but languid, resolved to go in quest 
 of you in person ; for which pui-pose, I have 
 remitted to Holland the value of twenty thou- 
 sand pounds, and am in possession of fifteen 
 thousand more, with which I intended to em- 
 bark myself on board of Captain Bowling, 
 before I discovered this amazing stroke of 
 Providence, which, you may be sure, has not 
 altered my intention.' 
 
 My father, having entertained us with this 
 agreeable sketch of his life, withdrew in order 
 to relieve Don Antonio, who, in his absence, 
 had done the honours of his house ; and I 
 was just dressed for my appearance among 
 the guests, when Strap arrived from the shiii. 
 
1S2 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 He no sooner entered the grand apartment 
 in which I was, and saw the magnificence of 
 my apparel, than his speech was lost in amaze- 
 ment, and he gapod in silence at the objects 
 that surrounded him. I took him by the hand, 
 observed that I had sent for him to be a wit- 
 ness and shaver of my hajjpiuess, and told 
 him I had found a father. At these words he 
 started, and, after having- continued some mi- 
 nutes with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, 
 ' Ah ! — odd, I know what ! go thy ways, poor 
 Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else — ■ 
 well — Lord, what a thing is love ! God help 
 us ! are all our mad pranks and protestations 
 come to this ? And have you fixed your habi- 
 tation in this distant land ? God prosper you 
 — I find we must part at last — for I would not 
 leave my poor carcase so far from my native 
 home, for all the wealth of the universe ! ' 
 Witli those ejaculations, he began to sob and 
 make wry faces ; upon which I assiired him 
 of his mistake, both in regard to Narcissa and 
 my staying in Paraguay, and informed him, 
 as briefly as I could, of the great event that 
 had happened. Never was rapture more ludi- 
 ci'ously expressed than in the behaviour of 
 this worthy creature, who cried, lau;.;hed, 
 whistled, sung, and danced, all in a breath. 
 His transport was scarce over, when my fa- 
 ther entered, who no sooner understood that 
 this was Strap, than he took him by the hand, 
 saying, ' Is this the honest man who befriended 
 you so much in your distress ? You are wel- 
 come to my house, and I will soon put it in 
 the power of my son to reward yoa for your 
 good offices in his behalf ; in the meantime go 
 with us, and partake of the repast that is pro- 
 vided.' Strap, wild as he was with joy, would 
 by no means accept of the proffered honour, 
 crying, ' God forbid ! I know my distance — 
 your worship shall excuse me.' And Don 
 Rodrigo, firiding his modesty invincible, re- 
 commended him to his major-domo, to be 
 treated with the utmost respect ; wdiile he 
 carried me in a large saloon, where I was pre- 
 sented to a nunieroiis company, who loaded 
 me with compliments and caresses, and con- 
 gratulated my father in terms not proper for 
 me to repeat. 
 
 Without specifying the particulars of our 
 entertainment, let it suffice to say, it was at 
 the same time elegant and sumptuous, and 
 the rejoicings lasted two days ; after which, 
 Don Rodrigo settled his aft'airs, converted his 
 effects into silver and gold, visited and took 
 leave of all his friends, who were grieved at 
 his departure, and honoured me with conside- 
 rable presents ; and, coming on board of my 
 uncle's ship, with the first fair wind we sailed 
 from the Rio de la Plata, and in two months 
 came safe to an anchor in the harbour of 
 Kingston, in the Island of Jamaica. 
 
 k 
 
 CHAPTER LXVII. 
 
 I visit my old Friend Thompson — we set sa 
 
 for Europe — me,et with an odd Adventure- 
 arrive in England — J ride across the Coiin'')-^ 
 from Portsmoidh to Sussex — converse u-'d% 
 Mrs. Sagely, who informs nie of NarcisM'a 
 being in London — in consequence of thi^ In- 
 telligence, I proceed to Canterhury — meei 
 with my old friend Morgan — arrive in Lon- 
 don — visit Narcissa — introduce my Faihef 
 to her — he is charmed tvith her good sense 
 and beauty — we come to a Determinatioi^ 
 of demanding her Brother's Consent to oiw', 
 Marriage. 
 
 I INQUIRED, as soon as I got ashore, 
 about my generous companion, Mr. Thomp- 
 son, and hearing that he lived in a flou-'- 
 rishing condition upon the estate left him by 
 his wife's father, who had been dead some 
 years, I took horse immediatelj'', with the 
 consent of Don Rodrigo, who had heard 
 me mention him with great regard, and 
 in a few hours reached the place of his 
 habitation. 
 
 I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. 
 Thompson's sentiments to say barely he was 
 glad to see me : he felt all that the most sen- 
 sible and disinterested friendship could feel 
 on this occasion, introduced me to his wife, 
 a very amiable young lady, who had already 
 blessed him with two fine children, and being 
 as yet ignorant of my circumstances, frankly 
 offered me the assistance of his purse and 
 interest. I thanked him for his generous in- 
 tention, and made him acquainted with my 
 situation, on which he congratulated me with 
 great joy, and, after I had stayed with him a 
 whole day and night, accompanied me back 
 to Kins'ston, to wait upon my father, whom 
 he invited to his house. Don Rodrigo com- 
 plied with his request, and, having been hard- 
 somely entertained during the space of a 
 week, returned extremely well satisfied with 
 the behaviour of my friend and his lady, to 
 whom, at parting, he presented a very valu- 
 able diamond ring, as a token of his esteem. 
 During the course of my conversation witli 
 Mr. Thompson, he gave me to understand, 
 that his old commander Captain Oakum was 
 dead some months, and that, immediately 
 after his death, a discovery had been made of 
 some valuable effects that he had feloniously 
 secreted out of a prize by the assistance of 
 Dr . Mackshane, who was now actually in 
 prison on that account, and, being destitute 
 of friends, subsisted solely on the charity of 
 my friend, whose bounty he had implored in 
 the most abject manner, after having been 
 the barbarous occasion of driving him to that 
 terrible extremity on board of the Thunder, 
 which we have formerly related. Whatsoever 
 this wretch had been guilty of, I applauded 
 Mr. Thompson's generosity towards him in 
 his distress, which wrought so much upon mo 
 jvlso, that I sent him ten pistoles, in such r- 
 
liODMiCK UANDOM. 
 
 183 
 
 ttrivate manner that he could never ]:now his 
 Ijcnefactor. 
 
 ^ While my father and I wore caressed 
 among the gentlemen on shore, Captain 
 Eowling had written to his owners, by the 
 packet, which sailed a few days alter our 
 arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage 
 hitherto, and desiring them to insure his ship 
 and cavgo homeward bound ; after which pre- 
 caution he applied himself so heartily to the 
 task of loading his ship that, with the assis- 
 tance of Mr. Thompson, she was full in less 
 than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise 
 procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London 
 for the greatest part of his gold and silver, by 
 which means it was secured against the risk 
 of the seas and the enemy ; and, before we 
 sailed, supplied us with such large quantities 
 of all kinds of stock, that not only we, but 
 the ship's company, fared sumptuously during 
 the voyage. 
 
 Eveiything being ready, we took our leave 
 of our kind entertainers, and, going on board 
 at Port Royal, set sail for England on the 
 first day of June. "We beat up to windward, 
 with fine easy weather, and one night be- 
 lieving ourselves near Cape Tiberon, lay to, 
 with an intention to wood and water next 
 morning in the bay. While Ave remained in 
 this situation, a sailor, having drunk more 
 new rum than he could carry, staggered over- 
 board, and, notwithstanding all the means 
 that could be used to preserve him, went to 
 the bottom, and disappeared. About two 
 hours after this melancholy accident happened, 
 as I enjoyed the cool air on the quarter-deck, 
 I heard a voice rising as it were out of the 
 sea, and calling, ' Ho, the ship ahoy ! ' Upon 
 which one of the men upon the forecastle 
 cried, ' I'll be d — n'd if that an't Jack Marlin- 
 spike, who went overboard ! ' Not a little 
 surprised at this event, I jumped into the 
 boat that lay alongside, with the second mate 
 and four men, and rowing towards the place 
 from whence the voice (which repeated the 
 hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived some ■ 
 thing floating upon the water. When avo 
 had roAved a little further, Ave discerned it to 
 be a man riding upon a hencoop, who, seeing 
 us approach, pronounced Avith a hoarse voice, 
 ' D— n your bloods ! Avhy did you not answer 
 when I hailed ? ' Our mate, Avho was a 
 veritable seaman, hearing his salute, said, 
 ' By G — , my lads, this is none of our man. 
 This is the devil — pull aAvay for the ship.' 
 The felloAVS obeyed his command Avithout 
 question, and were already some fathoms 
 on our return, Avhen I insisted on their 
 taking up the poor creature, and prevailed 
 iipon them to go back to the wreck, which 
 Avhcn Ave came near the second tim_e, and 
 signified our intention, we received an an- 
 SAver of ' Avast, avast — what ship, brother 'f' 
 Being satisfied in this particular, he cried, 
 ' D — n the ship, I Avas in hopes it had been my 
 OAvn — where are you bound ?' We satisfied 
 his curiosity in this particular too ; upon 
 
 Avhich ho suffpred himself to be taken on 
 board, and, after having been comforted with 
 a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio 
 man-of-Avar, upon a cruise off the island of 
 Hispaniola ; that ha had fallen overboard 
 about four-and-twenty hours ago, and the 
 ship being imder sail, they did not choose to 
 bring to, but tossed a hencoop overboard 
 for his convenience, upon Avhich ho Avas in 
 good hopes of reaching the Capo next morn- 
 ing : howsomever, he AA'as as well content to 
 be aboard of us, because he did not doubt 
 that Ave should meet his ship ; and if he had 
 gone ashore in the bay, he might haA'e been 
 taken prisoner by the French. My uncle and 
 father Avere very much diverted Avith the ac- 
 count of this fellow's iinconcerncd behaviour; 
 and, in tAvo days, meeting with the Vesuvio, 
 as he expected, sent him on board of her, 
 according to his desire. 
 
 Having beat up successfully the windAvard 
 passage, we stretched to the northAvard, and 
 falling in with a westerly wind, in eight Aveeks 
 arrived in soundings, and in tAvo days after 
 made the Lizard. It is impossible to express 
 the joy I felt at the sight of English ground ! 
 Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and Strap 
 shed tears of gladness. The sailors profited 
 by our satisfaction, the shoe that was nailed 
 to the mast being quite filled Avith our libe- 
 rality. My uncle resolved to run up into the 
 DoAvns at once, but the wind shifting when 
 we were abreast of the Isle of Wight, he waa 
 obliged to turn into St. Helen's, and come to 
 Spithead, to the great mortification of the 
 croAV, thirty of Avhom were immediately 
 pressed on board a man-of-war. 
 
 My father and I went ashore immediately 
 at_ Portsmouth, leaving Strap with the cap- 
 tain to go round with the ship and take care 
 of our efi'ects ; and I discovered so much im- 
 patience to see my charming Narcissa, that 
 my father permitted me to ride across the 
 country to her brother's house ; Avhile he 
 should hire a post-chaise for London, where 
 he Avould wait for mo at a place to Avhich I 
 directed him. 
 
 Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I 
 took post that very night, and in the morning 
 reached an inn about three miles from the 
 squire's habitation ; here I remained till next 
 morning, allaying the torture of my impa- 
 tience with the rapturous hope of seeing that 
 divine creature after an absence of eighteen 
 months, Avhioh, far from impairing, had raised 
 my love to the most exalted pitch ! Neither 
 were my reflections free from apprehensions, 
 that sometimes intervened in spite of all my 
 hope, and represented her as having yielded 
 to the importunity of her brother and blessed 
 the arras of a happy rivnl. My thoughts Avere 
 oven maddened Avith the fear of her death ; 
 and, Avheu I arrived in the dark at the house 
 of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time 
 courage to desire admittance, lest my soul 
 should be shocked Avith dismal tidings. At 
 length, hoAvever, I knocked, and no sooner 
 
18'1 
 
 nonmiGic random. 
 
 certified the good gentlewoman of my voice, 
 than she opened the door, and received me 
 with the most all'octionate embrace, that 
 brought tears into her aged eyes : ' For 
 heaven's sake, dear mother,' cried I, ' tell mo 
 how is Narcissa ? is she the same that I left 
 her F' She blessed my ears with saying, ' She 
 is ::s beautiful, in as good health, and as much 
 j^ours as ever.' Transported at this assur- 
 ance, I begged to know if I could not see her 
 that very night ; when this sage matron gave 
 mc to understand that my mistress was in 
 London, and that things were strangely al- 
 tered in the squire's house since ray departure ; 
 that ho had been married a whole year to 
 Mclintla, who at first found means to wean 
 his attention so much from Narcissa, that he 
 became quite careless of that lovely sister, 
 comforting himself with the clause in his 
 father's will, by which she should forfeit her 
 fortune, by marrying without his consent ; 
 that my mistress, being but indifl'erently 
 treated by her sister-in-law, had made use of 
 her freedom some months ago, and gone to 
 town, where she was lodged with Miss Wil- 
 liams, in exijectation of my arrival ; and had 
 been pestered with the addresses of Lord 
 Quivcrwit, who, finding her heart engaged, 
 had fallen upon a great many shifts to per- 
 siiade her that I was dead ; but, finding all 
 his artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of 
 gaining her affection, he had consoled him- 
 self for her indifference, by marrying another 
 Lady some weeks ago, who had already left 
 him on account of some family' uneasiness. 
 Besides this interesting information, she 
 told me there was not a great deal of harmony 
 between Melinda and the squire, who was so 
 much disgusted at the number of gallants 
 who continiicd to hover about her even after 
 her marriage, that hehadhuri'iedher down into 
 the country, much against her own inclina- 
 tion, where their mutual animosities had 
 risen to such a height, that they preserved 
 no decency before company or servants, but 
 abused one another in the grossest terms. 
 
 This good old gentlewoman, to give me a 
 convincing proof of my dear Narcissa's unal- 
 terable love, gratified mo with a sight of the 
 last letter she had favoured her with, in 
 which I was mentioned with so much honour, 
 tenderness, and concern, that my soul was 
 fired with impatience, and I determined to 
 ride all niglit, that I might have it the 
 sooner in my power to make her happy. 
 Mrs. Sagely, perceiving my eagerness, and 
 her maternal afTection being equally divided 
 between Narcissa and me, begged leave to 
 remind me of the sentiments with which 
 I went abroad, that would not permit me for 
 any selfish gratification to prejudice the for- 
 tune of that amiable young lady, who must 
 entirely depend upon me, after having be- 
 stowed herself in marriage. I thanked her 
 for her kind concern, and as briefly as pos- 
 sible described my flourishing situation, which 
 afforded this humane person infinite wonder 
 
 and satisfaction. I told her, that now I had 
 an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for ! 
 the many obligations I oAved, I Avould endea- 
 vour to make her old age comfortable and 
 easy ; as a step to which I proposed she should 
 come and live v/ith Narcissa and me. This • 
 venerable gentlewoman was so much afli"ected 
 with my words, that the tears ran down her ' 
 ancient cheeks ; she thanked heaven that 1 1 
 had not belied the presages she had made, on i 
 her first acquaintance with me ; acknowledg- 
 ing my generosity, as she called it, in the ; 
 most elegant and pathetic expressions ; but ; 
 declined my proposal, on account of her at- • 
 tachment to the dear melancholy cottage i 
 whore she had so peacefully consumed her • 
 solitary widowhood. Finding her immov- 
 able on this subject, I insisted on her accej^t- 
 ing a present of thirty guineas, and took my 
 leave, resolving to accommodate her with 
 the same sum annually, for the more cora- 
 fortalde support of the infirmities of old ago. 
 Having rode all night, I found myself at 
 Canterbury in the morning, where I alighted 
 to procure fresh horses; and, as I walkcil 
 into the inn, perceived an apothecary's on 
 the other side of tlie street, with the name 
 of Morgan over the door ; alarmed at this 
 discovery, I could not help thinkrug that my 
 old messmate had settled in this place, and 
 upon inquiry found my conjecture true, and 
 that he was married lately to a widow in that 
 city, by whom ho had got three thousand 
 pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went 
 to his shopi as soon as it was open, and found 
 my friend behind the counter, busy in pre- 
 paring a clyster. I saluted him at entrance, 
 with, 'Your servant, Mr. Morgan.' Upon 
 Avhich he looked at me, and replying, ' Your 
 most humble servant, good sir,' rubbed his 
 ingredients in the mortar Avithout any emo- 
 tion. ' What ! ' said I, ' Morgan, have yon 
 forgot your old messmate ? ' At these words 
 he looked nii again, and starting, cried, ' As 
 Cot is my- — sure it cannot — yes, by my salfa- 
 tion, I pelieve it is my dear friend Sir. Ran- 
 tom.' He was no sooner convinced of my 
 identity, than he threw doAvn the pestle, 
 overset the mortar, and jumping over the 
 board, swept up the contents with his clothes, 
 flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, 
 and daubed me all over Avith turpentine and 
 the yolks of eggs which he had been mixing 
 Avhon I came in. Our mutual congratidations 
 being over, he told me, that he found himself 
 a widower upon his return from the West 
 Indies ; that he had got interest to be aji- 
 l^ointcd surgeon of a man-of-war, in Avhich 
 capacity he had served some years, until he 
 married an apothecary's Avidow, Avith whom 
 he noAV enjoyed a pretty good sum of money, 
 peace, and quiet, and an indifferent good 
 trade'. He was very desirous of hearing my 
 adventures, which I assured him I had not 
 time to relate, but told him in general, my 
 circumstances Avere very good, and thati 
 hoped to see him Avhen I should not be in 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 185 
 
 gncli a hurry as at present. He insisted, 
 however, on my staying' breakfast, and intro- 
 duced nie to his ■svife, who seemed to be a 
 decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken 
 in years. In the course of our conversation, 
 he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged 
 with him at our parting in the West Indies, 
 and was not a little proud to see that I had 
 preserved his with the same care. When I 
 informed him of Mackshane's condition, he 
 seemed at first to exult over his distress ; but, 
 after a little recollection, said, ' Well, he has 
 paid for his malice ; I forgife him, and may 
 Cot forgife him likewise.' He expressed great 
 concern for the soul of Captain Oakum, which 
 he believed was now gnashing its teeth : but 
 it was some time before I could convince him 
 of Thompson's being alive, at whose good 
 fortune, nevertheless, he was extremely glad. 
 Having renewed our protestations of friend- 
 ship, I bade the honest Welshman and his 
 spouse farewell, and, taking post-horses, ar- 
 rived at London that same night, where I 
 found my father in good health, to whom I 
 imparted what I had learned of Narcissa. 
 This indulgent parent approved of my inten- 
 tion of marrying her, even without a fortune, 
 provided her brother's consent could not be 
 obtained ; promised to make over to me in a 
 few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a 
 fashionable manner, and expressed a desire of 
 seeing this amiable creature, who had capti- 
 vated me so much. As I had not slept the 
 night before, and was besides fatigued with 
 my journey, I found myself under a necessity 
 of taking some repose, and went to bed ac- 
 cordingly : next morning, about teu o'clock, 
 took a chair, and according to Mrs. Sagely's 
 directions, went to my charmer's lodgings, 
 and inquired for Miss Williams. I had not 
 waited in the parlour longer than a minute, 
 when this young woman entered, and no 
 sooner nerceived me, than she shrieked and 
 ran bacUfc-rd : but I got between her and the 
 door, and clasping her in my arms, brought 
 herto herself withan embrace. ' Good heaven,' 
 cried she, ' Mr. Random, is it you indeed ! my 
 mistress will run distracted with joy.' I told 
 her, it was from an apprehension that my 
 sudden appearance might have had some bad 
 effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired 
 to see her first, in order to concert some 
 method of acquainting her mistress gradually 
 with my arrival. She approved of my con- 
 duct, and, after having yielded to the sugges- 
 tions of her own friendship, in asking if my 
 voyage had been successful, charged herseli' 
 with that office, and left me glowing with 
 desire of seeing and embracing the object of 
 my love. In a very little time I heard some- 
 body coming down the stairs in haste, and the 
 voice of my angel pronounce, with an eager 
 tone, ' heaven! is it possible! where is he?' 
 How wore my faculties aroused at this well- 
 known sound ! and how was my soul trans- 
 ported when she broke in upon my view in 
 all the bloom of ripened beauty ! Grace ivas 
 
 in all her steps, heaven in her eye, ia every 
 gesture diijuity and love ! You, whose souls 
 are susceptible of the most delicate impres- 
 sions, whose tender bosoms have felt the 
 affecting vicissitudes of love, who have suf- 
 fered an absence of eighteen long months from 
 the dear object of your hope, and found at 
 your return the melting fair as kind and con- 
 stant as your heart can wish, do mo justice 
 on this occasion, and conceive what unutter- 
 able rapture possessed us both, while wo flew 
 into each other's arms I This was no time 
 for speech : locked in a mutual embrace, we 
 continued some minutes in a silent trance of 
 joy ! Wlien I thus encircled all my soul held 
 dear — whUe I hung over her beauties — beheld 
 her eyes sparkle, and every feature flush with 
 virtuous fondness, — -when I saw her enchant- 
 ing bosom heave with undissembled rapture, 
 and knew myself the happy cause — heavens ! 
 what was my situation ! I am tempted to- 
 commit my paper to the flames, and to re- 
 nounce my pen for ever, because its most 
 ardent and lucky expression so poorly de- 
 scribes the emotions of my soul. ' O adorable 
 Narcissa I ' cried I, ' O miracle of beauty, love 
 and truth ! I at last fold thee in my arms ! I 
 at last can call thee mine ! No jealous brother 
 shall thwart our happiness again ; fortune 
 hath at length recompensed me for all my 
 suft'erings, and enabled me to do justice to my 
 love.' The dear creature smiled inefi'ably 
 charming, and, with a look of bewitching ten- 
 derness, said, 'And shall we never part again ?' 
 ' Never,' I replied, ' thou wondrous pattern of 
 all earthly perfection I never, until death 
 shall divide us ! By this ambrosial kiss, a 
 thousand times more fragrant than the breeze 
 that sweeps the orange grove, I never more 
 will leave thee ! ' 
 
 As my first transport abated, my passion 
 grew turbulent and unrulj% I was giddy with 
 standing on the brink of bliss, and all my vir- 
 tue and philosophy were scarce sufficient to 
 restrain the inordinate sallies of desire. Nar- 
 cissa perceived the conflict within me, and 
 with her usual dignity of prudence, called off 
 my imagination from the object in view, and 
 with eager expressions of interested curiosity, 
 desired to know the particulars of my voyage. 
 In this I gratified her inclination, bringing 
 my story down to the present hour. She was 
 infinitely surprised at the circumstance of 
 finding my father, which brought tears into 
 her lovely eyes. She was transported at hear- 
 ing that he approved of my flame, discovered 
 a longing desire of being introduced to him, 
 congratulated herself and me upon my good 
 fortune, and observed, that this great and 
 tinexpected stroke of fate seemed to have 
 been brought about by the immediate direc- 
 tion of Providence. Having entertained our- 
 selves some hours with the genuine effusions 
 of our souls, I obtained her consent to com- 
 plete my happiness as soon as my father should 
 judge it proper ; and, applying with my own 
 bands a valuable necklace, composed of dia- 
 
IRfi 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 monds and amethysts set alternately, -wliioli 
 an old Spanish lady at Paraguay had presented 
 mo with, I took my leave, promisinjj to re- 
 turn in the afternoon with Don Rodrigo. 
 When I wont home, this generous parent in- 
 quired very affectionately about the health of 
 my dear Narcissa, to whom, that I miyht be 
 the more n,[ireeable, he ])ut into my hand a 
 deed, by which I found myself in possession of 
 fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive of the pro- 
 fits of my own merchandise, which amounted 
 to three thousand more. After dinner I ac- 
 companied him to the lodgings of my mis- 
 tress, who, being dressed for the occasion, 
 made a most dazzling- appearance. I could 
 perceive him struck with her figure, which I 
 really think was the most beautiful that ever 
 was created under the sun. He embraced her 
 tenderly, and told her he was proud of having 
 a son who had spirit to attempt, and qualifi- 
 cations to engage the affections of such a fine 
 lady. She blushed at this compliment, and, 
 with eyes fuU of the softest languishment 
 turned upon me, said, she should have been 
 unworthy of Mr. Random's attention, had she 
 been blind to his extraordinary merit. I made 
 no other answer than a low bow. My father, 
 sighing, pronounced, ' Such was once my Char- 
 lotte ; ' while the tear rushed into his eye, and 
 the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself 
 in two precious drops of sympathy, which, 
 but for his presence, I would have kissed 
 away. Without repeating the particulars of 
 our conversation, I shall only observe, that 
 Don Rodrigo was as much charmed with her 
 good sense as with her appearance, and she 
 was no less pleased with his understanding 
 and polite address. It was determined that 
 ho should write to the squire, signifying his 
 approbation of my passion for his sister, and 
 offering a settlement which he should have no 
 reason to reject ; and that, if ho should refuse 
 the proposal, wo would crown our mutual 
 wishes without any further regard to his will. 
 
 CHAPTER LXVin. 
 
 My Fatlier makes a present to Narcissa — the 
 Letter is dispatched to lier Brother — I ap- 
 pear among my Acquaintance — Banter's 
 Behaviour — The Squire refuses his Consent 
 • — My Uncle comes to Toum — approves of my 
 Choice — I am married — We meet the Scjiiire 
 and /(.is Lady at the Play — cnir Acquaint- 
 ance is courted. 
 
 AFTER having spent the evening to the 
 satisfaction of all present, my father 
 addressed himself thus to Narcissa. '"Madam, 
 give me leave to consider you hereafter as 
 my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon 
 your accepting this first instance of my pa- 
 ternal duty and affection.' With these words 
 he jiut into her hand a bank note of five 
 hundred poiinds, which she no sooner ex- 
 amined, tlian with a low oourtosy she replied, 
 
 ' Dear sn-, though I have not the least occa- 
 sion for this supply, I have too great a vene- 
 ration for you to refuse this proof of your 
 generosity and esteem, which I the more 
 freely receive, because I already look upon: 
 Mr. Random's interest as inseparably con- 
 nected with mine.' Ho was extremely A\-elll 
 pleased with her frank and ingenuous reply,; 
 upon which we saluted, and Avished her good 
 night. The letter, at my request, Avas dis- 
 patched to Sussex by an express, ana, in the- 
 meantime, Don Rodrigo, to grace my nup-. 
 tials, hired a ready -furnished house, and set- 
 up a very handsome equipage. ' 
 Though I passed the greatest part of the- 
 day with the darling of my soul, I found, 
 leisure sometimes to be among my former ac-- 
 quaintance, who were astonished at the mag-; 
 nificence of my appearance. Banter in par-r 
 ticular was confounded at the strange vicissi-i 
 tudes of my fortune, the causes of which he 
 endeavoured in vain to discover, until I 
 thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my 
 last voyage, partly in consideration of our 
 former intimacy, and partly to prevent un-i 
 favourable conjectures, which he and others, 
 in all probability, would have made in regard 
 to _my circumstances. He professed great 
 satisfaction at this piece of news ; and I had 
 no cause to believe him insincere, when I con- 
 sidered that he would now look upon himself 
 as acquitted of the debt lie owed me, and at 
 the same time flatter himself with the hopes 
 of borrowing more. I carried him home to 
 dinner with me, and my father liked his con. i 
 versation so much, that, upon hearing his 
 difficulties, he desired me to accommodate 
 him for the present, and inquire if he would 
 accept of a commission in the army, towards 
 the purchase of which he would willingly 
 lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my 
 friend an opportunity of being alone with 
 me, when, as I expected, he told n^ that he 
 was just on the point of being reflHiciled to 
 an old rich uncle, whose heir he was, but 
 wanted a few pieces for immediate expense,! 
 which he desired I would lend him and take 
 his bond for the whole. His demand was 
 limited to ten guineas ; and when I puti 
 twenty into his hand, he stared at me for' 
 some moments ; then, putting it into his 
 purse, said, ' Ay, 'tis all one — j'ou shall have 
 the whole in a very short time.' When I had 
 taken his note, to save the expense of a bond, I 
 I expressed some surprise that a fellow of liisi 
 spirit should loiter away his time in idleness,? 
 and asked why he did not choose to make hiai: 
 fortune in the army. ' What !' said he,P; 
 ' throw away money upon a subaltern's com- 1 
 mission, to be under the command of a parcel 
 of scoundrels, who have raised themselves '- 
 above me by the most infamous practices, - 
 No, I love independency too well to sacrifioe'l 
 my life, health, and pleasure, for such a 
 pitiful consideration.* Finding him adverse 
 to this way of life, I changed the subject, 
 and returned to Don Rodrigo, who had juat 
 
RODERICK EANVOM. 
 
 187 
 
 received the following epistle from the 
 squire : 
 
 ' Sir, — Concerniag a letter which I re- 
 ceived, subscribed R. Eandom, this is the 
 answer. As for you, I know nothing' of you. 
 Your son, or pretended son, I have seen ; if 
 he marries my sister, at his jjeril be it ; I do 
 declare that he shall not have one farthing of 
 her fortune, whicli becomes my property, if 
 she takes a husband without my consent. 
 Your settlement, I do believe, is all a sham, 
 and yourself no better than you should be ; 
 but if j'ou had all the Avealth of the Indies, 
 your son shall never match in our family 
 with the consent of 
 
 Okson Topehall. 
 
 ■ My father was not much surprised at this 
 
 ■ polite ietter, after having heard the character 
 
 ■ of the author; and as for me, I was even 
 pleased at his refusal, because I had now an 
 
 ' opportunity of sho-ndng my disinterested 
 love. By his permission I waited on my 
 charmer : and liaving imparted the contents 
 of her brother's letter, at which she wept 
 bitterlj'-, in spite of all my consolation and 
 caresses, the time of our marriage was fixed 
 at the distance of two days. During this 
 interval, in which mj' soul was wound up to 
 the last stretch of rapturoiis expectation, 
 Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her 
 relations in town to her marriage with mo ; 
 but, finding them all deaf to her remon- 
 strances, either out of envy or prejudice, she 
 told me with the most enchanting sweetness, 
 while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, 
 ' Sure the world will no longer question your 
 generosity, when you take a poor forlorn 
 beggar to your arms ? Aifected with her 
 sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner to my 
 breast, and swore that she was more dear and 
 welcome on that account, because she had 
 sacrificed her friends and fortune to her love 
 for me. My uncle, for whose character she 
 had a great veneration, being by this time 
 come to town, I introdiiced him to my bride ; 
 and, although he was not very much subject 
 to refined sensations, he was struck dumb 
 with admiration at her beauty. After having 
 kissed and gazed at her for some time, he 
 turned to me, sajdng. ' Odds bobs, Eory ! 
 here's a notable prize indeed, finely built and 
 gloriously rigged, i' faith ! If she an't well 
 manned when you have the command of her, 
 sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in a cockle- 
 shell. No offence, I hope, niece ! you must 
 not mind what I say, being (as the saying is) 
 a plain seafaring man, thof mayhap I have as 
 much regard for you as another.' She receiA'ed 
 him with great civility, told him she had longed 
 a great while to see a person to whom she was 
 so much indebted for his generosity to Mr. 
 Eandom ; that she looked upon him as her 
 uncle, by which name she begged leave to 
 call him for the future : and that she was 
 very sure he could say nothing that would 
 give her the least offence. The honest cap- 
 tain was transported at her courteous be- 
 
 haviour, and insisted upon giving her away 
 at the ceremony, swearing that he loved her 
 as well as if she was his own chUd, and that 
 he would give two thousand giiineas to the 
 first fruit of our love, as soon as it could 
 squeak. Everything being settled for the 
 solemnisation of our nuptials, which were to 
 be performed privately at my father's house, 
 the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Eod- 
 rigo and my uncle went in the coach to fetch 
 the bride and Miss Williams ; leaving me with 
 a parson. Banter, and Strap, neither of whom 
 had as yet seen my charming mistress. My 
 faithful valet, who was on the rack of impa- 
 tience to behold a lady of whom he had heard 
 so much, no sooner understood that the coach 
 was returned, than he placed himself at a 
 window to have a peep at her as she alighted ; 
 and, when he saw her, clapped his hands to- 
 gether, turned up the white of his eyes, and, 
 with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort 
 of ecstacy, which broke out into ' Dca eerie ! 
 qualis in Enrotce ripis, avt 'per juga Cijiifhi 
 cxcrcet Diana choros ? ' The doctor and Ban- 
 ter were surprised to hear my man speak 
 Latin ; but when my father led Narcissa into 
 the room, the object of their admiration was 
 soon changed, as appeared in the counte- 
 nances of both. Indeed, they must have 
 been the most insensible of all beings, could 
 they have beheld without emotion the divine 
 creature that approached ! She was dressed 
 in a sack of white satin, embroidered on the 
 breast with gold ; the crown of her head was 
 covered with a small French cap, from whence 
 descended her beaiitiful hair in ringlets that 
 waved i.pon her snowy neck, which dignified 
 the necklace I had given her : her looks 
 glowed with modesty and love ; and her 
 bosom, through the veil of gauze that shaded 
 it, afforded a prospect of Elysium ! I received 
 this inestimable gift of Providence as became 
 me ; and in a little time the clergyman did 
 his office, my uncle, at his own earnest re- 
 quest, acting the part of a father to my dear 
 Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had 
 scarce spirits sufficient to support her under 
 this great change of situation. Soon as she 
 was mine by the laws of heaven and earth, I 
 printed a burning kiss upon her lips ; my 
 father embraced her tenderly, my luicle hug- 
 ged her with great affection, and I presented 
 her to my friend Banter, who saliited her in 
 a very polite manner ; Miss Williams himg 
 round her neck, and wept plentifully ; whilo 
 Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss 
 hislady's hand, which shepresented with great 
 affability. I shall not pretend to describe my 
 own feelings at this juncture ; let it siiffice to 
 say that, after having supped and entertained 
 ourselves till ten o'clock, I caiitioned my Nar- 
 cissa against exposing her health by sitting 
 up too late, and she was prevailed upon to 
 withdraw with her maid to an apartment 
 destined for us. When she left tlic room, her 
 face was OA'erspread with a blush that set all 
 my blood in a state of fermentation, and 
 
188 
 
 RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour ! 
 She was so cruel as to let me remain in this 
 condition a full half-hour : when, no longer 
 able to restrain my impatience, I broke from 
 the company, burst into her chamber, pushed 
 out her confidante, and locked the door, and 
 found her- — O heaven and earth ! — a feast a 
 thousand times more delicious than my most 
 sanguine hopes presaged ! But lot me not 
 profimo the chaste mysteries of Hymen. I 
 was the happiest of men ! 
 
 In the morning I was awaked by three or 
 four drums, Avhich Banter had placed under 
 the window ; upon -which I withdrew the 
 curtain, and enjoyed the unspeakable satis- 
 faction of contemplating those angelic charms 
 which were now in my possession ! Beauty ! 
 which', whether sleeping or awol-e, shot forth 
 Xieculiar (jraces ! Tlie light darting upon my 
 Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and, recol- 
 lecting her situation, hid her blushes in my 
 bosom. I was distracted with joy ! I could 
 not believe the evidence of my senses, and 
 looked upon all that had happened as the fic- 
 tions of a dream I In the meantime my uncle 
 knocked at the door, and bade me turn out, 
 for I had had a long spell. I rose accordingly, 
 and sent Miss Williams to her mistress, my- 
 self receiving the congratulation of Captain 
 Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase 
 with great success. In less than an hour, 
 Don Rodrigo led my wife into breakfast, 
 where she received the compliments of the 
 company on her looks, which, they said, if 
 possible, were improved by matrimony. As 
 her delicate cars were offended with none of 
 those indecent ambiguities which are too 
 often spoken on such occasions, she behaved 
 with dignitj', unaffected modesty, and ease ; 
 and, as a testimony of my affection and es- 
 teem, I presented her, in presence of them 
 all, with a deed, by which I settled the whole 
 fortime I was possessed of on her and her 
 heirs for ever. She accepted it with a glance 
 of most tender acknowledgment, observed, 
 that she could not bo surprised at a.uything 
 of this kind I should dn, and desired my 
 father to take the trouble of keeping it, 
 sajring, ' Next to my own Mr. Random, 
 yon are the person in whom I ought to 
 have the greatest confidence.' Charmed 
 with her prudent and ingenuous manner of 
 proceeding, lie took the paper, and assured 
 her that it should not lose its value while in 
 his custody. 
 
 As wo had not many visits to give and 
 receive, the little time we stayed in tovim 
 was spent in going to public diversions, Avhero 
 I have the vanity to think Narcissa was 
 seldom eclipsed. One night, in ]>articular, 
 we sent our footman to keep one of the stage 
 boxes, v.'hich we no sooner entered, than wo 
 perceived in the opposite box the squire and 
 his lady, v.'lio seemed not a little surprised at 
 seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity 
 of confronting them; the more, because 
 Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by 
 
 my wife, who happened that night to out' 
 shine her sister both in beauty and dress. 
 She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, tossed 
 her head a thousand different ways, flirted 
 her fan, looked at us with disdain, then 
 whispered to her husband, and broke out 
 into an affected giggle ; but all her arts 
 proved ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs. 
 Random, or to conceal her own mortification, 
 which at length forced lier aAvay long before 
 the play was done. The news of oiir mar- 
 riage being .spread, Avith many circumstances 
 to our disadvantage, by the iudusti-y of this 
 malignant creature, a certain set of persons 
 fond of scandal began to inquire into the 
 particulars of my fortune, which they no 
 sooner iinderstood to be independent, than the 
 tables were turned, and onr acquaintaijf e M'as 
 courted as much as it had been despised be- 
 fore ; but Narcissa had too miich dignity of 
 pride to encourage this change of conduct, 
 especially in her relations, whom she could 
 never be prevailed upon to see, after the 
 malicious reports they had raised to her 
 prejudice. 
 
 CHAPTER LXIX. 
 
 My father intends to revisit the Place of his 
 Nativity — we projwsc to accom^Miiy him-- 
 my Uncle renews his will in my favour, de- 
 termining to go to Sea again — we set out 
 for Scotland — arrive at Edinburgh — 2)«r- 
 chase our paternal Estate — proceed to it — 
 hrilt at the Town where I ivas educated — 
 take vp my bond to Crab — the Behaviour of 
 Potion and his Wife, and one of my Feynale 
 Cousins — our Rereptinn at the Estate — 
 Strap marries Miss Williams, andis settled 
 by iny Father to his own iotisfaction — / 
 am more and more happy. 
 
 y father intending to revisit his native 
 country, and pay the tribute of a few 
 tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I 
 resolve to accompanj' him in the execution of 
 his pious office, and accordingly prepared for 
 the journej^; in which, however, my uncle 
 would not engage, being resolved to try his 
 fortune once more at sea. In the meantime 
 he renewed his will in favour of my wife 
 and me, and doiiosited it in the hands of his 
 brotlier-in-law : while I (that I might not be 
 Avauting to my own interest) summoned the 
 squire to produce his father's will at Doctors' 
 Commons, and employed a proctor to manage 
 the affair in my absence. 
 
 Everything being thus settled, we took 
 leave of all our friends in London, and set 
 out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss 
 Williams, and I, in the coach, and Strap, 
 with two men in livery, on horseback ; as we 
 made easy stages, my charmer held it out 
 very well, till Ave arrived at Edinburgh, 
 ■where we proposed to rest ourselves some 
 weeks. 
 
 Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence tha,t 
 
RODERICK RANDOM. 
 
 l&J 
 
 the foxliunter had spent his estate, which 
 was to be exposed to sale by public aiiction, 
 te determined to make a purchase of the 
 ppot -where he was born, and actually bought 
 ^'1 the land that belonged to his father. 
 
 In a few days after this bargain was made, 
 
 e left Edinburgh, in order to go and take 
 lossessiou ; and by the way halted one night 
 that town where I Avas educated. Upon 
 
 .qniry, I found that Mr. Crab Avas dead ; 
 
 hereupon I sent for his executor, paid the 
 sum I owed with interest, and took up my 
 bond. Mr. Potion and his wife, hearing of 
 my arrival, had the assurance to come to the 
 inn where we lodged, and send up their 
 names, with a desire of being permitted to 
 pay their respects to my father and me : but 
 their sordid behaviour towards me, when I 
 was an orphan, had made too deep an im- 
 pression on my mind to be effaced by this 
 mean mercenarj' iiiece of condescension ; I 
 therefore rejected their mess.age with disdain, 
 and bade Strap tell them, that ray father and 
 I desired to have no communication with such 
 low-minded wretches as thoy were. 
 
 They had not been gone half-an-hour, when 
 a Avoman, without anj"- ccremonj', opened the 
 door of the room where we sat, and, making 
 towards mj' father, accosted him Avith, ' Uncle, 
 your servant — I am glad to see you.' This 
 was no other than one of my female cousins, 
 mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, 
 to Avhom Don Kodrigo replied, ' Pray, Avho 
 are you, madam ?' " Oh !' cried she, ' my 
 cousin Eory there knows mo very AA^ell. Pon't 
 you remember me, Rory r' ' Yes, madam,' 
 said I ; ' for my oAvn part, I shall never for- 
 get you. Sir, this is one of the young ladies, 
 who (as I haA'e formerly told you) treated me 
 80 humanely in my childhood !' Whe"i. T. 
 pronounced these Avords, my father's resent- 
 ment gloAved in his A'isage, and he ordered her 
 to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, 
 that she retired in a fright, muttering curses 
 as she Avent doAvnstairs. We afterAvards 
 learned that she Avas married to an ensign, 
 who had already spent all her fortune ; and 
 that her sister had borne a child to her 
 mother's footman, Avho is noAV her husband, 
 and keeps a petty alehouse in the country. 
 
 The fame of our flourishing condition 
 having arriA'cd at this place before ns, Ave 
 got notice that the magistrates intended next 
 day to compliment us Avith the freedom of 
 their tov.-n ; upon AA'hich my father, consider- 
 ing their complaisance in the right point of 
 view, ordered the horses to the coach early 
 in the morning. 
 
 We proceeded to our estate, which lay 
 about twenty miles from this place ; and, 
 when we came Avifcliin half-a-league of the 
 house, were met by a prodigious number of 
 poor tenants, men, Avomon, and children, Avho 
 toslificd tlieir joy by loud acclamations, and 
 accompanied our coach to the gate. As there 
 IS no part of tlie world in Avhich the peasants 
 are more attached to thejr lords than in Scot- 
 
 land, we were almost do vonrod by their affec- 
 tion. My father had always been their 
 favourite, and now that he appeared their 
 master, after having been thought dead so 
 long, their joy broke out into a thousand 
 o.xtravagances. When Ave entered the court- 
 yard, Ave were surrounded by a vast number, 
 Avho eroAvded together so closely to see us 
 that several Avere in danger of being squeezed 
 to death ; those Avho were near Don fiodrigo 
 fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, or 
 the hem of his garrient, praying aloud for 
 long life and prosperity to him ; others ap- 
 proached jSTarcissa and me in the same 
 manner ; while the rest clapped their hands 
 at a distance, and invoked heaven to shower 
 its choicest blessings on our heads ! In short, 
 the whole scene, though rude, Avas so affecting 
 that the gentle partner of my heart wept over 
 it, and ni}^ father himself could not refrain 
 from dropping a tear. 
 
 Having Avelcumcd his daughter and me t^ 
 his house, he ordered some bullocks to bo 
 killed, and some hog.*heads of ale to be brought 
 from the neighbouring village, to regale these 
 honest people, Avho had not enjoyed such a 
 holiday for many years before. 
 
 Next day Ave Avere visited b.y the gentlemen 
 in the neighbourhood, most of them oiir rela- 
 tions, one of Avliom brought along with Iiim 
 mjf cousin, the foxliunter, who had stayed at 
 his house since he Avas obliged to leaA^e his 
 ovra I My father Avas generous enough to 
 receiA'c him kindly, and even promised to 
 purchase for him a commission in the army, 
 for winch he expressed great thankfulness 
 a-nd joy. 
 
 My charming Narcissa was imiversallj' ad- 
 mired and loved for herbcautj', affability, and 
 : . 1 sense ; and so well pleased with the 
 situation of the place, and the company 
 round, t'nat she has not as j'ot discovered the 
 least desire of changing her habitation. 
 
 We had not been many days settled, when 
 I prcA^ailcd upon my father to pay a visit to 
 the village Avhere I had been at school. Hero 
 Avo Avere received by the principrd inhabitants, 
 Avho entertained us in the church, where Mr. 
 Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being 
 dead) pronounced a Latin oration in honour 
 of our family. And none exerted themselves 
 more than Strap's father and relations, Avho 
 looked upon the honest valet as the first gen- 
 tleman of their race, and honoured his bene- 
 factors accordingly. Having receiA'ed the 
 homage of this place, Ave retired, leaving 
 forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of 
 the parish ; and that very night. Strap being 
 a little elevated, Avith the regard that h;id 
 been shoAvn to him, and to me on his account, 
 A'cntured to tell me, that he had a sneaking 
 kin(hiess for Miss Williams, and that, if his 
 lady and I would iise our interest in his be- 
 half, he did not doubt that slie would listen 
 to his addresses. Surprised at this proposal, 
 I asked if he knOAV the story of that unfortu- 
 nate young gentlewoman : upon Avhich he 
 
190 
 
 llODHRICK RAmOM. 
 
 rcpliod, ' Yes, yes, 1 know what you mean — 
 she has been unhappy, I grant you — but what 
 of that ? I am convinced of her reformation ; 
 or else you and my good lady would not 
 treat her with such respect. As for the cen- 
 sure of the world, I value it not a fig's 
 end — besides, the world knows nothing of 
 the matter.' I commended his philosophy, 
 and interested Narcissa in his cause; who 
 interceded so effectually, that in a little time 
 Miss Williams yielded her consent, and they 
 were married with the approbation of Don 
 liodrigo, who gave him five hundred pounds 
 to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his 
 estate. My generous bedfellow gave her 
 m^id the same sum; so that they live 
 in great peace and plenty within half-a- 
 mile of lis, and daily put up prayers for our 
 prpsei'vation. 
 
 If there be siTch a thing as true happiness 
 on earth, I enjoy it. The impetuous trans- 
 
 ports of Tiy passion are now settled anc"! 
 mellowed into endearing fondness and trar 
 quillity of love, rooted by that intimate con 
 nection and interchange of hearts which nough 
 but virtuous wedlock can produce. Fortuni 
 seems determined to maka umple amends fo 
 her former cruelty ; for rny proctor Avrite 
 that, notwithstanding the clause in mj' father 
 in-law's will, on which the sqiiire founds his 
 claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's 
 fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, 
 which explains that clause, and limits he: 
 restriction to the age of nineteen, after Avhicl 
 she was at her own disposal. I would hav( 
 set out for London immediately after rcceiviuj 
 this piece of intelligence, but my dear angefl 
 has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow 
 remarkably round in the waist ; so that E 
 cannot leave her in such an interesting situa- 
 tion, which I hope will produce something to 
 crown my felicity. 
 
 THE END- 
 
FACTS FOR THE PEOPLE. 
 
 Brevity ia the soul of wit, The reversihle-fted's a decided hit ; 
 
 Old tools at any price are dear, When new and improved ones appear. 
 
 N.B. If you think this a pun ! 
 
 FLORENCE PUZZLES. 
 
 The answer to first contains 12 words ; second, 13 words. They are designed to forcibly iUustrat* 
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