THE A F A F BY y JOHN KK J- • THE BICYCLERS. £t jpatce. BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS. 5~5 MY ELDEST?" Characters: Mr Rob but Yardslby, (inexpert. Mis. Jack Barlow, another Mr. Th a dde us Perkins, a beginner. Mis. Edward Bisadlbt, a scoffer Mits. Thaddeus Perkins, a resistant. Mus. Edward Bradley, an enthusiast. Jbnnib, a i/tuii/. The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs. Thaildeus Perkins, at No. — Gramercy Squam. It is late October; the action begins at 8.30 o'clock on a moonlight evening. The curtain rising discloses Mr. and Mrs. Perkins sitting together. At right is large window /acini/ on square. At rear is entrance to draw- ing-room. Leaning against doorway is a safety bicycle. Perkins. Well, Bess, I'm in for it now, and no mistake. Bob and Jack are coming to-night to give me my first lesson in biking. Mrs. Perkins. I'm very glad of it, Thaddeus I think it will do you a world of good. You've been working too hard of late, and you need relaxation Perkins (doubtfully). I know that — but — from what I can gather, learning to ride a wheel isn't the most restful thing in the world. There's a great deal of lying down about it; but it comes with too great suddenness ; that is, so Charlie Cheeseborough says. He learned up at the Academy, and he told me that he spent most of his time making dents in the floor with his head. Mrs. Perkins. Well, I heard differently. Emma Bradley learned there at the same time he did, and she said he spent most of his time Vol. XCI.— No. 546.-106 making dents in the floor with other people's heads. Why, really, he drove all the ladies to wearing those odious Psyche knots. The time he ran intoEmma, if she hadn't worn her back hair that way she'd have fractured her skull. Perkins. Ha! ha! They all tell the same story. Barlow said he always wore a beaver hat while Cheeseborough was on the floor, so that if Charlie ran into him and he took a header his brain wouldn't sutler. Mrs. Perkins. Nevertheless, Mr. Cheesebor- ough learned more quickly than any one else iu the class. Perkins. So Barlow said — because he wasn't eternally in his own way. as he was in every one else's. (J rim/ is heard at the front dooi .) I guess that's Bob and Jack. Enter Jennie. Jennie. Mr. Bradley, ma'am. Perkins. Bradley ? Wonder what the deuce he's come for? He'll guy the life out of me. (Enter Bradley.) Ah, Brad, old chap, how are you ? Glad to see you. Bradley. Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins. This your eldest ? [ With a nod at Perkins. Mrs. Perkins. My eldest '! Bradley. Yes — judged from his togs it was your boy. What! Can it be ? You! Thad- deus ? Perkins. That's who I am. Bradley. Wheu did you go into short trou~ sers? Perkins (with a feeble laugh). Oh, these — ha ! lia ! I'm taking up the bicycle. Even if it weren't for the exhilaration of riding, it's a 962 HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE 'HE DROVE ALL THE LADIES TO WEARING THOSE ODIOUS PSYCHE KNOTS." luxury to wear these clothes. Old flannel shirt, old coat, old pair of trousers shortened to the knee, and golf stockings. I've had these golf stockings two years, and never had «i chance to wear 'em till now. Bradley. You've got it had, haven't you? How many lessons have you had ? Per h'uis. None yet. Fact is, just got my wheel — that's it over there by the door — pneu- matic tires, tool-chest, cyclometer, lamp — all for a hun. Bradley (with a laugh). How about life-in- surance ? Do they chuck iu a policy for that ? They ought to. Perkins. No — but they would if I'd insisted. Competition between makers is so great, they'll give you most anything to induce a bargain. The only thing they really gave me extra is the ki-yi gun. Mrs. Perkins. The what? Perkins. Ki-yi gun — it shoots dogs. Dog comes out, catches sight of your leg — Bradley. Mistakes it for a bone and grabs — eh? Perkins. Well — I fancy that's about the size of it. You cau't very well get off, so you get out your ki-yi gun and shoot ammonia in the beast's face. It doesn't hurt the dog, but it gives him something to think of. This is the way it works. (Gets the gun from tool -box.) I'm the rider — see? (Sits on a chair, with face to back, and works imaginary pedals.) You're the dog. I'm passing the farm -yard. Bow- wow ! out-you spring — grab me by the bone — I — ah — I mean the leg. Pouf! I shoot you with ammonia. [Suits action to the word. Bradley (starting back). Hi, hold on! Don't squirt that infernal stuff at me! My dear boy, get a grip on yourself. I'm not really a ki-yi, aud while I don't like bicyclists, their bones are safe from me. I won't bite you. Mrs. Perkins. Really— I think that's a very ingenious arrangement; don't you, Mr. Brad- ley ? ^ & s^ Bradley. I do, indeed. But, as long as we're N talking about it, I must say I think what Thaddeus really needs is a motorman-guu, to squirt ammonia, or eveu beer, into the face of these cable-car fellows. They're more likely to interfere with him than dogs— don't you think ? Perkins. It's a fiist-rate idea, Brad. I'll sug- gest it to my agent. Bradley. Yonr what ? Perkins (apologetically). Well, I call him my agent, although really I've only bought this one wheel from him. He represents the Czar Manufacturing Company. Bradley. They make Czars, do they ? Perkins (with dignity). They make wheels. The man who owns the company is named Czar. I refer to him as my agent, because from the moment he learned I thought of buy- ing a wheel he came and lived with me. I couldn't get rid of him, and finally in self-de- fence I bought this wheel. It was the only way I could get rid of him. Bradley. Aha! That's the milk in the cocoa- nut, eh? Hadn't force of mind to get rid of the agent. Couldn't say no. Humph ! I wondered why you, a man of sense, a man of dignity, a gentleman, should. take up with this — Perkins (angrily). See here, Brad, I like you very much, but I must say — Mrs. Perkins (foreseeing a quarrel). Thad- deus! 'Sh! Ah, by- the- way, Mr. Bradley, where is Emma this evening? I never knew you to be separated before. Bradley (sorrowfully). This is the first time, Mrs. Perkins. Fact is, we'd intended calling on you to-night, and I dressed as you see me. Emma was in proper garb too, but when she saw what a beautiful night it was, she told me to go ahead, and she — By Jove ! it almost makes me weep! Perkins. She wasn't taken ill? Bradley. No — worse. She said: "You go down on the 'L.' I'll bike. It's such a splen- did night." Fine piece of business this! To have a bicycle come between man and wife is EDITOR'S DRAWER. 963 :i pretty bard fate, I tbiuk — for the one who doesn't ride. Mrs. Perkins. Tben Emma is coming here ' Bradley. Thai's the idea, ou her wheel — coming down the Boulevard, across Seventy- second Street, through the Park, down Madi- son, across Twenty- third, down Fourth to Twenty-first, then here. Perkins. Dully ride t bat. Mrs. Perkins. Alone I Bradley {sadly). I bope so — hut these bicy- clists have a way of flocking together. Vm- all I know, my beloved Emma may now bo coasting down Murray Mill escorted by some bicycle club from Jersey City. Mrs. Perkins. Ob dear -Mr. Bradley! Bradley. Oh, it's all right, I assure von. Mrs. Perkins. It's merely part of the exercise, don't you know. There's a hail-fellow-well-metness about enthusiastic bicyclists, and Emma is in- tensely enthusiastic. It gives her a chance, you know, and Emma has always wanted a chance. Independence is a tiling she's been after ever since she got her freedom, and now , thanks to the wheel, she's got it again, and even I must admit it's harmless. Funny she doesn't gel here, though (looking his wheel). Bradley's a little worried about the non-arrival of Mrs. Bradley, she was coming here ou her wheel, and started about the si ■ time be did. Barlow. < »h, that's all right, Ned. She knows her w heid as well ;is yon know your business. Can't come down quite as fast as the "L," particularly these nights just before election. She may have fallen in with some political parade, and is waiting to v.ct across the street. Bradley (aside). Well, I like that! Mrs. Perkins (aside). Why — it's awful! Vardsley. Or she may possibly have punc- tured her tire —that would delay her fifteen or twenty minutes. Don't worry, my dear boy. I showed her how to fix a punctured tire all right. It's simple enough — you take the rub- berthing they give you and fasten it in that metal thingumbob, glue it np, poke it in, pull it out, pnmp her up, and there yon are. Bradley (scornfully). You told her that, did you ? Vardsley. I did. Bradley (with a mock sigh of relief ). You don't know what a load you've taken off my mind. Barlow (looking at his watch). H'm! Thad- deus, it's nine o'clock. I move we go out. The moon is just right. Vardsley. Yes — we can't begin too soon. Wheel all right ? PerMns. Guess so — I'm ready. Bradley. I'll go out to the corner and see if there's any sign of Mrs. Bradley. [Exit. Mrs. Perkins (who has been gazing out of win- dow for smut moments). I do wish Emma would come. I can't understand how women can do these things. Riding down here all alone at night! It is perfectly ridiculous! Vardsley (rolling Perkins's wheel into middle of room). Czar wheel, eh ? Perkins (meekly). Y'es — best going — eh? Barlow. Can't compare with the Alberta. Has a way of going to pieces like the "one- horse shay " — eh, Boh ? Yardsley. Exactly — when you least expect it, too — though the Alberta isn't much better. You get coasting on either of 'em, and half- way down, bang! the front wheel collapses, hind wheel flies up and bits you in the neck, handle-bar turns just in time to stab you in the chest ; and there you are. miles from home, a physical, moral, bicycle wreck. But the Arena wheel is different. In fact, I may say 964 HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. "HAVE YOU A SHAWL-STRAP IN THE HOUSE?" tli.it the only safe wheel is the Arena. That's the one I ride. However, at fifty dollars this one isn't extravagant. Perkins. I paid a hundred. Yardsley. A wha — a — at? Perkins. Hundred. Barlow. Well, you are a — a — good fellow. It's a pretty wheel, anyhow. Eh, Bob ? Yardsley. Simple beauty. Is she pumped up? Perkins. Beg your pardon ? Yardsley. Pumped up, tires full and tight — ready for action — support an elephant? Perkins. Guess so — my — I mean, the agent said it was perfect. Yardsley. Extra nuts? Perkins. What? Yardsley. Extra nuts — uuts extra. Suppose you lose a uut; what you, going to do — get a tow ? Barlow. Guess Perkins thinks this is like going to sleep. Perkins. I don't know anything about it. What I'm after is information; only, I give you warning, I will not ride so as to get round shoulders. Yardsley. Then where's your wrench ? Screw up your bar, hoist your handles, elevate your saddle, and you're O.K. What saddle have you? Perkins (tapping it). This. Barlow. Humph! Not very good — but we'll try it. Come on. It's getting late. [They go out. Perkins reluctantly. In a moment he returns alone, and rushing to Mrs. Perkins, kisses her affectionately. Perkins. Good-by, dearest. Mrs. Perkins. Good-by. Don't hurt your- self, Thaddeus. [Exit Perkins. Mrs. Perkins (leaving window and looking at clock on mantel). Ten minutes past nine and Emma not here yet. It does seem too bad that she should worry Ed so much just for in- dependence' sake. I am quite sure I should never want to ride a wheel anyhow, and even if I did— Enter Yardsley with a piece of flannel in his hand. Yardsley. I beg pardon, Mrs. Perkins, but have yon a shawl-strap in the house ? Mrs. Perkins (tragically). What is that you have in your hand, Mr. Yardsley ? Yardsley (with a glance at the piece of flan- nel). That? Oh— ha-ha— that— that's a— ah — a piece of flannel. Mrs. Perkins (snatching the flannel from Yardsley's hand). But Teddy — isn't that a piece of Teddy's— Teddy's shirt ? Yardsley. More than that, Mrs. Perkins. It's the greater part of Teddy's shirt. That's why we want the shawl-strap. When we started him off, you know, he took his coat oft". Jack held on to the wheel, and I took Teddy in the fulness of his shirt. One — two — three ! Ted- dy put on steam — Barlow r let go — Teddy went off — I held on — this is what remained. It ruined the shirt, but Teddy is safe. (Aside.) Barring about sixty or seventy bruises. Mrs. Perkins (with a faint smile). And the shawl-strap ? Yardsley. I want to fasten it around Ted- dy's waist, grab hold of the han- dle, and so hold him up. He's all right, so don't you wor- ry. (Exit Mrs. Perkins for shawl - strap.) Guess I'd better not say any- thing about the Pond's Extract he told me to bring — doesn't need it,anyhow. Man's got to get used to leaving pieces of his ankle -bone ou the curb-stone if he wants to learn to ride a wheel. * Only worry her if I "where? the police station i» EDITOR'S DRAWER. 965 asked her for it — won't hurt him to suffer a week. I In 1 1 r Bradley. Bradley. This she come yet? Yardsley. No — just gone up stairs fos a shawl-strap. Bradley. Shawl-strap! Who I Thaddeus (outside). Hurry up with that Pond's Extract, will you .' Yardsley. All right — coming. Who! Who what \ Bradley. Who has gone np stairs alter shaw 1- strap— my wife '! Yardsley. No, no, no. Hasn't she gol here yet! [t's Mrs. Perkins. Perk fell oil' just now and broke in two. We want to fasten him together. Barlow (outside). Bring onl that pnmp. His wheel's flabby. Enter Mrs. Perkins with shawl-strap. Mrs. Perkins. Here it is. What did I hear abont Pond's Extract ? Didn't somebody call for it I Yardsley. No — oh no — not a bit of it ! What yon heard was shawl-strap — sounds like ex- tract — very niueh like it. In fact — Bradley. But you did say you wanted — Yardsley (aside). Shut np ! Thaddeus banged his ankle, hut he'll get over it in a minute. She'd only worry. The best bicy- clers in the world are all the time falling off, faking headers, and banging their ankles. Bradley. Poor Emma ! Enter Barlow. Barlow. Where the deuce is that Ex — Yardsley (grasping him by the arm and push- ing him out). Here it is; this is the ex-strap, just what we wanted. (Aside to Bradley.) Go down to the drug-store and get a bottle of Pond's, will you ? [Exit. Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). She can't be long in coming now. Bradley. I guess I'll go out to the corner again. (Aside.) Best bicyclers always smash- ing ankles, falling off, taking headers. If I ever get hold of Emma again, I'll see whether she'll ride that — [Bushes out. Mrs. Perkins. It seems to have made these men crazy. I never saw such strange behavior in all my life. (The telephone hell rings. ) What can that he .' (Goes to phone, which stands just outside parlor door.) Hello! What? Yes. this is 1181 — yes. Who are you? What? Emma? Oh dear, I'm so glad ! Are you alive! Where are you? What .' Where.' The police station ! (Turning from telephone.) Thaddeus, Mr. Barlow, Mr. Yardsley. (Into telephone.) Hello! What for! What? Riding without a lamp! Arrested at Forty-second Street ! Want to he bailed out ? (Drops receiver. Bushes into parlor and throws herself mi sofa. I To think of it — Emma Bradley! (Telephone bell ring 8 violent- ly again; Mrs. Perkins goes to it.) Hello! Yes. Tell him what ? To ask for Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins. Who's she.' What, you! (Drops the receiver; runs to window.) Thaddeus! Mr. Vol. XCI.— No. 546.— 107 "TELL HIM TO ASK FOR MRS. W1LL0LGHBV HAWKINS" Yardsley! Mr. Bradley! — all of you — come here, quick. [They rush in. Perkins with shawl-strap about his waist — limping. Barlow 1ms large air-pump in his hand. Mrs. Per- kins grows faint. Perkins. Great heavens! What's the mat- ter ? Barlow. Get some water — quick! [Yardsley runs for water. Mrs. Perkins. Air! Give me air! Perkins (grabbing pump from Barlow's hand). Don't stand there like au idiot ! Act ! She wants air! [Places pump on floor and begins to pump air at her. Barlow. Who's the idiot now? Wheel her over to the window. She's not a bicycle. [ They do so. Mrs. Perkins r< vim s. Perkins. What is the matter .' Mrs. Perkins. Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins — ar- rested — Forty-second Street — no lamp — bailed out. Oh. dear me, dear me! It '11 all he in the papers ! Perkins. What's that got to do with us? Who's Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins '! Mrs. Perkins. Emma! Assumed name. Barlow. Good Lord! Mrs. Bradley in jail ? 966 HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. Perkins. This is a nice piece of — ow — my ankle, my ankle! [Enter Bradley and Yardsley at same time, Bradley with bottle of Pond's Extract, Yardsley with glass of water. Bradley. Where the deuce did you fellows go to ? I've been wandering all over the square looking for yon. Perkins. Your wife — Bradley (dropping bottle). What ? What about her — hurt? Mrs. Perkins. Worse! [Sobs. Bradley. Killed? Mrs. Perkins. Worse — 1-lol-locked up — in jail — no bail — wants to be lamped out. Bradley. Great heavens! Where? — when? What next? Where's my hat?— what '11 the baby say ? I must go to her at once. Yardsley. Hold on, old man. You're too ex- cited. I know the police captain. You stay here, and I'll run up and fix it with him. If you go, he'll find out who Mrs. Hawkins is; you'll get mad, and things will be worse than ever. Bradley. But — Barlow. No huts, my dear boy. You just stay where you are. Yardsley 's right. It would be an awful grind on you if this ever became known. Bob can fix it in two minutes with the captain, and Mrs. Bradley can come right back with him. Besides, he can get there in five minutes on his wheel. It will take you twenty on the cars. Yardsley. Precisely. Meanwhile, Brad, you'd better learn to ride the wheel, so that Mrs. B. won't have to ride alone. This ought to be a lesson to you. Perkins. Bully idea (rubbing his ankle). You can use my wheel to-night — I — I think I've had enough for the present. (Aside.) The pavements aren't soft enough for me ; and, oh Lord ! what a stony curb that was! Bradley. I never thought I'd get so low. Yardsley. Well, it seems to me that a man with a wife in jail needn't be too stuck up to ride a bicycle. But — by-by — I'm off. [Exit. Mrs. Perkins. Poor Emma — out for free- dom, and lands in jail. What horrid things po- licemen are, to arrest a woman ! Bradley (indignantly). Served her right ! If women won't obey the law they ought to be arrested, the same as men. If she wasn't my 'MISSl'S WILLERBY .„ _,, ... , , J 'awkins " wife, I'd like to see her sent up for ten years or even twenty years. Women have got no business — Barlow. Don't get mad, Brad. If you knew the fascination of the wheel you wouldn't blame her a bit. Bradley (calming down). Well — I suppose it has some fascination. Perkins (anxious to escape, further lessons). Oh, indeed, it's a most exhilarating sensation : you seem to be flying like a bird over the high- ways. Try it, Ned. Go on, right away. You don't know how that little ride I had braced me up. Barlow (with a laugh). There! Hear that! There's a man who's ridden only eight inch- es in all his life — and he says he felt like a bird ! Perkins (aside). Yes — like a spring chicken split open for broiling. Next time I ride a wheel it '11 be four wheels, with a horse fast- ened in front. Oh my! oh my ! I believe I've broken my back too. [Lies down. Bradley. You seem to be exhilarated, Thad- deus. Perkins (bracing up). Oh, I am, I am. Nev- er felt worse — that is, better. Barlow. Come on, Brad. I'll show you the trick in two jiffies — it '11 relieve your worry about madame, too. Bradley. Very well — I suppose there's no way out of it. Only let me know as soon as Emma arrives, will you ? Mrs. Perkins. Yes — we will. [They go out. As they disappear through the door Thaddeus groans aloud. Mrs. Perkins. Why — what is the matter, dear? Aie you hurt ? Perkins. Oh no — not at all, my love. I was only thinking of Mr. Jarley's indignation to- morrow when he sees the hole I made in his curb-stone with my ankle — oh! — ow! — and as for my back, while I don't think the whole spine is gone, I shouldn't be surprised if it had come through in sections. Mrs. Perkins. Why, you poor thing — why didn't you say — Perkins (savagely). Why didn't I say? My heavens, Bess, what did you thiuk I wanted the Pond's Extract for — to drink, or to water the street with? Oh Lord! (holding up his arm). There aren't any ribs sticking out, are there ? Barlow (outside). The other way — there — that's it — you've got it. Bradley (outside). Why, it is easy, isn't it ? Perkins (scornfully). Easy ! That fellow'd find comfort in — Barlow (outside). Now you're off — not too fast. Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). Why, Thaddeus, he's going like the wind down the street ! Perkins. Heaven help him when he comes to the river! Barlow (rushing in). Here we are iu trouble again. Brad's gone off on my wheel. Bob's EDITOR'S DRAWER. 967 "POOR DEAR EDWARD!" taken Lis, and your tire's punctured. He doesn't know the first tiling about turning or stopping, and I can't run fast enougb to catch him. One member of the family is in jail — the other on ;i runaway wheel! [Yardsley appears at door Assumes atti- tude of butler announcing guest. Yardsley. Missus Willerby 'Awkins! Enter Mrs. Bradley, hysterical. Mrs. Bradley. Oh, Edward ! [Throws herself into Harlow's anus. Barlow {quietly). Excuse me — a — Mrs. Hawkins — ah — Bradley — but I'm not — I'm mot your husband. Mrs.Bradley {looking up, tragically). Where's Edward ? Mrs. Perkins. Sit down, dear — you must be ■completely worn out. Mrs.Bradley (in alarm). Where is he? Perkins (rising and standing on one leg). Fact is, Mrs. Bradley — we don't know. He disappeared ten minutes ago. Yardsley. What do you mean .' Mix. Bradley. Disappeared .' Barlow. Yes. He went East — at the rate of about a mile a minute. Mrs. Bradley. My husband — went East \ Mile a minute .' Berlins. Yes, on a hike. Yardsley. lake me by the shawl-strap, will you, and help me over to that chair; my hack hurts so I can't lie down. Mrs. Bradley. Ned — on a wheel ? Why. lie can't ride ! Barlow. Ob yes, he can. What I'm afraid of is that he can't stop riding. Bradley (outside). Hi — Barlow — help! Mrs. Bradley. That's his voice — -he called for help. Yardsley (rushing to window). Hi — Brad — stop ! Your wife's here. Bradley (in distance). Can't stop — don't know how — Barlow (leaning out of window). By Jove! he's turned the corner all right. If he keepson around, we can catcb him next time be passes. Mrs. Bradley. Oh, do, do stop him. I'm so afraid he'll be hurt. Mrs. Berlins (looking out). I can just sec him on t he other side of the square and, oh dear me ! — his lamp is out. Mrs. Bradley. Ob, Mr. Vaidshy Mi. Barlow Mr. I'd kins do Stop him ! [ By this time all are gaz- ing out of window, < i -