C0«='YRIGMT.I889. BY HAROLD ROORBACH 3&00l'baci)'S full I>PSmj)tl\)e Catalogue of Dramas, Comedies, Comediettas, Farces, Tableaux-vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Churchy School and Parlor exhibitions, etc., containing complete and explicit information, will be sent to any addrett ^n receipt of a stamp for return postage. Address as above. ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. This series embraces ^le best of plays, suited to the present time. The reprints have been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, so that absolute purity of text and stage business is warranted. Each play is furnished with an introductioii of the-createst vaVye to the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of incidentVv^complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage settings and practicable scene-plots, with the fullest stage directions. They are hand- somely printed from new electrotype plates, in readable type, on fine paper. 'Jheir complete introductions, textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render these books far superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto published^ 1. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six male, three female characters. Time, two hours. 2. A SCRAR>0F paper, a comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female characters. Time, two hours. 3. MY LORD IN LIVERY. A farce in one act. Five male, three female charac- ters. Time, f\fty minutes. ^. CABMAN No. 93. A farce in one act. Two male, two female characters. Time, lorly minutes. 5. MILKY WHITE. A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female char- acters, lime, one hour and three quarters. 6. PARTJ^ERS FOR LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female characters^ Time, two hours. 7. "WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME, A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, four female characters. Time, one hour. 8. HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. A farce in one act. Four male, two female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes. 9. LADY AiMlEY'S SECRET. A drama in two acts. Four male, three female characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. 10. NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. A comedy in three acts. Six male, five female characters. Time, one hour and forty minutes. Ji. "WHICH IS "^A'HICH ? A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female characters. Time, fifty minutes. 12. ICI ON PARLE FRAN^AIS. A farce in one act. Three male, four female characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 13. DAISY FARM. A drama in four acts. Ten male, fcur female character.. Time, two hears and twenty minutes. 14. MARRIED LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female characters. Time, two hours. 15. A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS. A comedietta in one act. Two male, three female characters. Time, fiftj^ minutes. i5. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. A farce in one act. Five male, two female characters. Time, one hour. 17. U.MCLE TOM'S CABIN.— Original Version. A drama in six acts. Fifteen male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. 18. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— New Version. A drama in five acts. Seven rna'.e, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 19. LONDON ASSURANCE. A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female caaracters. Time, two hours and three quarters. 20 ATCHI ! A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, forty minutes. 21- WHO IS WHO .' A farce in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, forty minutes. 22. THE WOVEN WEB. A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female char- acters. Time, two hours and twentj' minutes. %M^Any of the nhoir vtll be sent l-y vun'l, />ost-/'aid, to anv address, on reccift of the price. HAROLD R00R3ACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS OR THE MAJOR'S MISTAKE A FARCEIN ONE ACT BY THOMAS J. WILLIAMS New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Ori- ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original Casts of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents, Time of Representation, Description of the Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia- gram OF THE Stage Setting, Sides of Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- tions OF THE Performers, Expla- nation OF THE Stage Direc- tions, ETC., AND ALL OF THE Stage Business. Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorbach. NEW YORK HAROLD ROORBACH PUBLISHER \ '\ ICl ON PARLE FRANCAIS CAST OF CHARACTERS. Royal Adelphi Theatre, London, May gth, iS^g. Wa Hack's Theatre, New York, Oct. ibth, i86s. Major Regulus Rattan Mr. Charles Selby. Mr. Norton. Victor Dubois Mr. Billington. Mr. Young, Mr. Spriggins Mr, J, L, Toole. Mr. Holston. Mrs. Spriggins Miss Arden. Mrs. John Sefton. Angelina, their daughter . . Miss Laidlaw. Miss Green. 1\}'L\h,'wife of Major Rattan . . Mrs. Billington. Miss Mary Barrett. Anna Maria, Maid-of-all-work Miss Kate Kelly. Miss lone Burke. TIME OF PERFORMANCE— FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. Mr. Spriggins, residing at Dipwell-by-the-Sea, with an eye to the main chance, determines to let lodgings during the bathing season. In the hope of catching lodgers among foreigners of distinction, he prepares himself for emergencies by studying "French Before Breakfast," with the aid of which he expects to speak with Parisian purity in rather less than no time, and places in his parlor window a placard bearing the legend " Lodg- ings to Let — Ici on parle Frangais," While astonishing his family and housemaid with his linguistic progress, two applicants are announced — Mrs. Rattan and Victor Dubois — who seek an apartment for the lady until the return of her husband from whom she has been unexpectedly separated at the railway station. Mk. Spriggins, however, supposes the applicants to be man and wife. Victor, having met Mrs. Rattan in the train and politely escorted her until she should secure temporary lodgings, is about to take his leave, with the intention of walking through the town in hopes of meeting a certain young lady whom he had met and admired three months before in Paris, but of whom he knows only that she lives in Dip- ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 3 well and that her name is Angelina. At the point of his departure, Angelina enters, a recognition ensues, and Victor engages an apartment for himself, on the spot, without, however, disclosing to Spriggins his acquaintance with the latter's daughter. The family income now being increased by seven guineas per week, Anna Maria, the maid-of-all-work, strikes for more wages, and, on being refused, resigns her place, leaving the Sprigginses to do their own cooking and clean their lodgers' boots. While Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins are attending to their guests' wants as best they can, Major Regulus Rattan, of the Cape Coast Slashers, who looks his profession, bounds in abruptly, thumps the furniture about, cross- examines Spriggins as to who his lodgers are, discloses the loss of his wife whom he suspects to have eloped with an infernal foreign looking fellow they met on the train, and promises to reduce both to atoms when he crosses their path. Having been informed that two persons answering their description had been seen to enter a house in this street, he com- mands Mr. Spriggins, in tones of thunder, to produce his lodgers, espe- cially his female lodger. Mrs. Spriggins now enters, and is passed off upon the irate Major by the thoroughly alarmed Spriggins as the female lodger in question. The Major's suspicions being now allayed, he retires, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins conscious that " Ici on parle Frangais " has plunged them into a serious embarrassment. While Mrs. Rattan has followed the Major to his hotel, to explain matters, the latter returns in a fury, having discovered the deceit imposed upon him by Mr. Spriggins, his discovery being apparently confirmed by meeting Victor who has entered meanwhile, and is immediately challenged by the infur- iated Major. But just as the combat is about to begin, to the accompani- ment of Mr. Spriggins' yells of " Fire ! " and " Police ! " the Major, cast- ing his eye out of the window, perceives his wife approach the house ; and with the intent of unearthing the truth at last, he conceals himself behind the window curtains, just as his wife returns. The ensuing conversation enlightens the Major as to the state of affairs, at which he bounces out from his place of concealment, admits having made an ass of himself, and commands Spriggins to produce his daughter whom he bestows off hand upon Victor, with his blessing. Anna Maria now comes in to receive her back wages, but eagerly resumes her place on learning that Mr. Spriggins, having got comfortably out of the scrape caused by his " Ici on parle Frangais," will give up all idea of French either before or after breakfast, and that, henceforth, his only method of letting lodgings will be to let lodgings alone. COSTUMES. Major. — ^Undress military coat, buttoned up to the chin — a profusion of mustache and whiskers, Spriggixs. — Blue tail coat, light trowsers, and colored waistcoat. Dubois. — Fancy travelling suit, mustache and imperial, narrow-brimmed Derby hat. Mrs. Spriggins and Angelina. — Neat morning dresses. Mrs. Rattan. — Travelling dress — bonnet, cloak, etc. Anna Maria. — Housemaid's working dress — cap and apron — bonnet and shawl. ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. STAGE SETTING. Jfthft or Bnciing I DOOK T 5o/c SlaTid i Windour 1 J?oor 0/ Taile and CAaira Door Scene. — Plain chamber in 30., backed with interior backing in 4 G. Door C. in flat. Doors r. i E., R. 3 E. and l. i. e. Window, with cur- tains, L. 3 E. Sofa up R. Stand up L. Table and two chairs L. C. Arm chair R. c. Chairs r. and L. Carpet down. PROPERTIES. Furniture as per scene plot. Curtains at window. Glass vase, holding flowers in water, on table L. c. Pictures on walls. Bells off stage, c, L. I E. and R. 3 E. Flowers in pots. Bell-pull. Bonnet, with cherry- colored ribbons, off r. 3 e. Ladder, book, and coffee pot, cup and saucer on tray, for Spriggins. Work-basket and sewing for Angelina. Feather duster, boot and blacking brush for Anna Maria. Pair of lady's shoes. Boots, and purse containing money, for Victor. Two pistols in Rattan's coat pocket. STAGE DIRECTIONS. Observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R., means right ; L., left; C, centre; R. c, right of centre; L. C, left of centre; i e., first entrance; 2 e., second entrance ; u. E., upper entrance; I, 2 or 3 g., first, second or third grooves. D. p., door in the flat or scene running across the back of the stage. Up Stage, toward the back ; Down Stage, toward the footlights. R. R. C. C. L. C. L. Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book pro- tected by copyright. ICl ON PARLE FRANCAIS Scene. — A Parlor, in total disorder. Door at back — two doors, R., and one L. — a window, with ample curtains — table, chairs, &»c. — on a table, L. , there stands a glass vase, containing water, and in which flowers are standing — on the wall, various pictures are suspended. At the rising of the curtain Angelina is discovered, sewing rings on some curtains — Anna Maria is engaged in dusting chairs violently. Anna, [dusting) There — and there — and there ! Oh, if ever I have a servant, won't I serve her out for this ! Sprig, [outside doorYi., calling) Anna Maria ! Anna. Yes, sir! * Sprig-, [without) Bring me those window curtains — I'll put them up myself. Angel. Why, pa, I haven't half finished sewing the rings on! Mrs. Sprig, [outside, L., calling) Anna Maria! Anna, [dusting) Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Sprig, [without) Come and help me nail down the stair carpets. Anna, [aside) What a bother it is, to be sure — I shall never get this tiresome dusting done ! Sprig, (r.) Anna Maria! Mrs. Sprig, (l.) Anna Maria ! Anna, [bawling) Now, then, which is it to be? You don't expect me to go two ways at once, surely ! Angel, Oh dear — oh dear! This scheme of pa's will wear us all out. How sorry I am that he ever took it into his head to let lodg- ings. Enter MRS. SPRIGGINS, L. Mrs. Sprig. Well, thank goodness the bedrooms are read)'. 6 I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. Why, Anna Maria, what have you been about ? I declare, the par- lor is not finished yet ! Anna. Please mum, I arn't got fifty pair o' hands. I really must have a boy from the work' us to help me ! Mrs. Sprig, {languidly) For my part, I declare I'm ready to faint! Anna. Faint ! I've been faintin' ever since five this mornin* ! Enter Mr. Spriggins, door R. 3 E. with a double ladder over his shoulder. Sprig. Now then, will these curtains be ready to-day, or am I to expect them sometime next week? Angel. Pa, I declare I can't work any faster. Mrs. Sprig, {in a dignified tone) Remember, Mr. Spriggins, your daughter is not a hired needlewoman. Sprig, [mildly) Very true, my dear ! That being the case I'll just fill up the time by dusting the pictures a bit. [seizes duster, mounts ladder, and dusts picture) Anna, [wiping her face with apron) 1 declare I can't stand it no longer! [throws herself back into an arm chair, R.) I s'pose I've a right to breathe as well as other people. Mrs. Sprig. Anna Maria ! You lazy, dawdling creature, go and take the rest of our things to the top of the house. Anna, [aside) There she goes again ! A pretty notion! They're all going to live up in the garret — ^just to make every farthing they can by letting the rest o' the house ! Mean-spirited, covetous creatures I Mrs. Sprig. Well, I must say, Mr. Spriggins, it's excessively disagreeable, for a lady like myself, remotely connected with the noble family of the Fitz-Pentonvilles, to leave my comfortable apartments, and Hve up in a wretched attic ! Angel. And to be condemned to dress in a dark little closet, no bigger than a cupboard. Anna, [at door) And to have to sleep in a willanous back-kitchen — all among the nasty rats and black beetles. It's a shame, it is! (Exit C, door to L.) Mrs. Sprig, [to ANGELINA) And all to gratify your papa's absurd propensity for speculation. Sprig, [coming down ladder) Speculation, Mrs. Spriggins — and a very promising speculation it is, too! Here's the bathing season coming on — a tremendous influx of visitors arriving — no end of distinguished foreigners expected! Why, bless your heart, lodg- ings will be at a premium ! — so I'm determined to make hay while the sun shines — and sub-let every square inch of deal board we can possibly dispense with ! I'll wager we shall reap a golden harvest. And I tell you what, Mrs. Spriggins, to compensate for ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 7 any little inconvenience you may have to put up with, I intend to take you and Angelina up to town, and treat you to the — {^hesitat- ing) a — a — to the British Museum and National Gallery. Angel, {pensively') I'd much sooner you'd take us to Paris, Pa. {sighing) Heigh ho. Mrs. Sprig. There she is again with her Paris ! Ever since we allowed her to spend a month with her aunt in Paris, she has thought of nothing else. Angel, {somewhat confused) The curtains are quite ready now, pa. {lays them on sofa. Sprig. That's right, my dear, — now arrange the flower pots so as to impart an air of botanical elegance to the apartment. (Ange- lina arranges flower pots, &*c) By the by, my dear, {to his wife, producing book from his pocket) now that we've a moment to spare, you may as well hear me my French lesson. Angel. French, indeed ! the idea of a man at your time of life beginning to learn French ! Sprig. How very blind some females are to be sure — don't you perceive, Mrs. Spriggins, that I'm laying myself out tocatchlodg- ers among foreigners of distinction, people who hardly know the difference between a franc and a sovereign, and who, therefore, will agree to pay whatever I think proper to ask them ? Are you not aware, madam, that I've got " Lodgings To Let," " Ici on Parle Francais," in large type, stuck in my parlor window? I am, therefore, preparing myself for emergencies, by studying that politest of languages, on a remarkably expeditious system, entitled, " French before Breakfast," a system which renders the aid of a master totally superfluous, and enables the student to speak with Parisian purity, in rather less than no time. You'd be astonished at the progress I have made already ! ( With an atrociously bad pronunciation) " Bongjore jnounseer; commong voiiz po?'tez vouz, a-a-donnez moi du pain passez moi la tnoutarde." {exultitigly) By Jove ! they'll be enraptured on hearing their native tongue spoken with such extraordinary fluency, and I shall double their rent in consequence, {bell rings at c.) Bless my soul, there's a ring! I dare say it's somebody to look at the apartments. Dear, dear ! here's a confusion! — quick, quick! put these chairs in order. {great bustle and running about) Angelina, make your escape with this work-basket — run ! (Exit Angelina, r. i e., with basket) Enter Anna Maria showing in Victor and Mrs. Major Rattan, c. from L. Anna, {sulkily) Please, sir, it's sum 'un too look at the lodg- ings ! (Exit Anna Maria, c. to l.) Sprig, {aside) Hat and pantaloons evidently foreign, {rubbing his hands) My " Ici on Parle Frangais" has evidently done the 8 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. business. Now for a little " French before breakfast." [after a great dial of bowins^ and scraping) Ahem ! Monsieur and Madame, vennez pore*-aparte-mong ! \aside to his wife) You know one feels a little awkward just at first. Victor. Quels appartenients avez vans a louer monsieur ? Sprig, [titter ly dumbfounded) Eh ? Mrs. Sprig, [aside to het husband) Go on! Why don't you answer ? Sprig. You were pleased to observe ? Victor. Quels appartenients avez vous a louer ? Sprig. Dear me ! how very extraordinary, I don't remember meeting with anything of the sort in " French before Breakfast." [turns over leaves of his book) Mrs. Sprig, [aside to SPRIGGINS) Why don't you say something ? Sprig, [coif used) A — a — he pronounces so very indistinctly that a — a — I have some slight difficulty in making out what he says. Julia, [to Victor) This person evidently doesn't understand French. Victor. (/^ Spriggins) You no comprehend? Sprig, (hastily) A — a — oui, oui, oui ! Victor. I to make observation — de little — announce in de vindow •• Ici on Parle Fran^ais." Sprig. French spoken here ? Oh, yes ! oui, oui, oui ! Ici on parle Frangais — to be sure. Victor. I tink it be von leetle hombogs, to attrape de stranger lodger. You no speak French at all, you stupid man. Sprig, [astoimded—to his ivife) What's he say? Mrs. Sprig. He says you're a stupid man, and he isn't far out either ! Sprig, [to Victor) You see I — I'm just a little out of pracdce. Victor. A leetle, parbleu ! Yes, von vere large big leetle, you old hombogs. Sprig, [aside) Stop a bit, my fine fellow, I'll make you pay for your old hombogs, before I've done with you. Julia. I should require a sitting room and bed room. Sprig. The very thing, these two rooms on the iight-[obseguiously) — we shall be delighted to accommodate you. We charge — a — a — four guineas a week, including attendance of the most zealous and devoted description, and — a — a — the view of the sea — a — a — la — la — ocean — comprenny ? Julia. Dear me, that's rather expensive. Sprig, Oh, dear, no ! Apartments always fetch more when, hke ours, they are situated exactly opposite the bathing machines. Victor, [aside) De old hombogs, charge extra for de perspectif. Julia, [to Mrs. Spriggins) Well then, if you will have my lug- gage brought up, I will take the apartment at once. [seats herself in a chair which Victor has handed her) I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. g Mrs. Sprig. [wzfA great stateliness) I will give my servant the necessary instructions. (Exit, c. to L.) Sprig. I'll run and draw up a little memorandum, [aside) Four guineas ! What a fool I was not to ask more — I'm sure I might have had five — mounseer — au — au — reservoir. (Exit, R. I E. ) Julia. (/(^ Victor) And now, monsieur, permit me to return you my heartfelt thanks for the trouble you have taken in my behalf, during the short time we have been acquainted. Victor. De plasir to serve von so charmante lady is its own rec- ompense. Julia. How provoking that I should have been so unexpectedly separated from my husband at the refreshment station — how vexed he will be. Victor. Yes, de poor man, I see him to run — to run — to run after de train, but he not can to run so fast as de locomotif. Julia. What should I have done in this strange town without your polite assistance ? I shall now just make a slight alteration in my dress and go and wait at the station, until the next train arri- ves ; my husband will be sure to come down by it. {crossesX.0 R.) Victor, [bowing with great politeness) Then, madame, I have de honour to vish you von vere fine how do you do. [going) I go to walk all over de town in de hope to rencontre von charmante de- moiselle, [sighing) H^las ! she lives in dis town, and I not know vere. But I have intention to walk up and down all de principale street, and to knock — knock at all de door, until I retrouve mon Angelina, de objet de mon adoration, Julia, [laughingly) So then you are in love, monsieur. Victor, [ecstatically) In love, h^las! I am in love all over de head, all over de ears, with a beautiful young Enghsh demoiselle. I make connaissance with herin Paris at von leetle soiree dansante, three months ago, and ever since, her lovely image, it stick in my brain. H^las ! she tell me that she live in Dipwell, and dat her name is Angelina — and so as I have had affair in London, I take de occasion as soon as he was arrangd to come down here and to cherche for mon Angehna. [bowing and preparhig to withdraw) Adieu, madame. Julia, [laughing) Farewell, monsieur! I can only wish you every possible success in your search. (Exit, into room, R. 3 e. ) Victor, [alone) Charmante petite femme, parole d'honneur, but no comparison with mon Angelina, de objet de tnon afuourf — but I must to cut my stick. [goes up, c) Enter SPRIGGINS, R. I E. Sprig. Beg pardon, mounseer, but there's one little matter I quite forgot to mention — a — a — I always make it a rule to receive the first week's rent in advance — comprenny ? lO ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. Victor, {calmly) Verefore you say dat to me ? Sprig. Ah, I see ! Your wife takes care of the purse — he, he, he ! {^laughitig) Victor, {gravely) Vife sare, I have not sie honor to be dat lady's husband — I am her — her — vot you call — Sprig. ( puzzled) Her, what you call ! Victor. Her — her — parbleu — her cotmatssance I Sprig, [aside) What the devil's that I wonder? I don't remem- ber meeting with the expression in " French before Breakfast ;" [turns over leaves of book) however I suppose it's all right — I shall speak to the lady by and bye. Victor, [going) It is von curious old hombogs ! Enter Angelina, r. i e. — Victor and Angelina mutually sur- prised at unexpectedly meeting each other, utter a simultaneous exclamation "Oh," Victor, [starting) Ciel! Angel, [starting) Monsieur Victor! Sprig. What's the matter ? Angel, [endeavoriitg to conceal her emotion) Nothing, pa, nothing — I — I merely came to — to look for my thimble, [aside) Monsieur Victor here ! Victor, [aside) Mon Angelina ! can I for to believe my sen- tences, [approaching her) My dear mees — Sprig, [not noticing their mutual surprise, and stepping in between them) Now, Angelina, lose no time — our preparations up stairs are not half completed. Angel. Yes, pa. [aside, looking at Victor) I wonder, now, whether Monsieur Victor has come here on my account ? [signifi- cantly) I shall be down again, presently. (Exit, r. i E.) Victor, [aside) He'las ! she is varnish ! And so dis old hombogs is de fader of mo?i Angelina — ah ! von brilliante inspiration it to strike my noddle, [aloud) Sare, I have make reflection in the interieur of myself, have you one oder apartment to let ? Sprig. Oui, monsieur, the httle room on the left, [crosses, L.) Three guineas a week. Victor, [gaily) I take him dis vere moment. Ah, you vish money in advance! de tout mon coeur. I pay you von week tout-de- suite, [producing purse) Sprig, [aside) Tout-de-suite ! confound it — he agrees to the three guineas at once — what a fool I was not to ask four, [takes money — aloud) You shall have a receipt directly. Victor. Not necessaire — you are de fader of she — dat enough for me. Sprig, [puzzled) Fader-of-she ! Victor. Yes, oh, yes — I leave you pour le moment, [embracing him tenderly) Adieu, fader of she — Adieu ! (Exit into room, l.) ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. II Sprie. ii^uzzled) Fader-of-she ! can I have met with that expres- sion in ''French before Breakfast?" [^iurns over pages of hn book astZi^h looking for the expression) I can't find it among the P s but if me sef now, four and three make seven-seven gumeas 7week ' a very nice httle addition to one's weekly income. My .' Ici on Parle Frangais" certainly was a first-rate notion. Enter Mrs. Spriggins. c. from i.., followed by Anna Maria, who is brushing a boot. Mrs Sprig. Don't be impertinent, miss. What do you think MnSpSs. here's Anna Maria insisting upon having her wages "s^rig. [horrified) Wages, indeed! What -precedented^^^^^ ""TnT\sulkily) It 'ud take six maids o' all work to do the work °' SprL^°St'uff and nonsense ! a baby in arms might undertake the plac'Lf (^.// rings) There. Anna Maria, run 1 there s our new ^'H! X^oing) Another person to wait on ! I declare if it arnt worse nor a regular treadmill ! ^J^Tn^' s^cheme Sprig. Well, Mrs. Spriggins. what do you say to my scheme now " I've let the little bed room for three guineas a week to the young Frenchman. I was a fool, was I— eh? ^ Mrl Sprig, {insinuatingly) You'll make me a present of a new silk dress rig. (insinuatingly) won t you, ducky ? IK Qiebb, wuu t yuu, ^^uv-n.;. . t i n ^« Sprig, [with dignify) I shall see, Mrs. S.-I shall see. Re-enter Anna Maria, door^. 3 e.. with a pair of ladies boots. Anna, [speaking off) Yes. mum-you shall have 'em directly, mum. [shuts door) Here's a treat! more bo^ts to black, and now the lady wants a basin o' gravy soup; perhaps you expect me to get that ready, too! Mrs. Sprig. Of course we do. Miss Impudence. '^ [nng heard, L. ) Sprig. Oh, there goes the Frenchman's bell— run, Anna Maria, and see what he wants. . l jr ixr i Victor, [partly opening his door, L., and passing a pair of Wel- lington boots through) ViU you have the obligeance to put de pol- ishment upon my Duke de Welhngtons ? ^ Anna, [sulkily taking boots) What, another on em? Victor. (^5 before) And bring von leetle tasse de cafe, and von beeftake aux pommes-de-terres ! ^ , , ,^ ^^i.?„.^li Anna, [sarcastically) Oho, a beefsteak o pongdetaie. eh? ^^ell I'm sure [folding her arms, and holding a pair of boots in each hand -crosses to C.) And do you think I'm going to hexhaust myself in I;2f ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. this here manner for a paltry eight pound a year, and find my own tea and sugar? Mrs. Sprig, [scornfully) Impertinent menial, of course we do! Anna. Then I solemnly vows, I won't do another individual thing unless you raise my wages ! Sprig. Unparalleled audacity ! but come now, I'll see what I can do for you. I don't mind giving you an extra ten shiUings, Anna, {eagerly) A week ! Sprig. No, a year. Anna, [coniejnptuously) Not a bit of it! catch me knocking myself up for a parcel of miserly wretches, as go and sleep up in a top garret just to make money by letting their own bedrooms, and slaving the very life out of a poor, unfortunate maid o* all work ! Why, Uncle Tom's Cabin was a fool to it. Mrs. Sprig. Insolent minx ! not another word. Anna, {placing her arms a-kimbo) Will you double my wages ? &prig. } (^"^l'"S) N°' Anna. Then liberty for ever! I resigns my place — here take your boots, and pohsh 'em yourselves, [layiitg one of the boots on Spriggins' arm, and the other on his wife s) Here's your apron and your brush ! [taking off apron, and giving it and the brush to Mrs. Spriggins.) Take you property, and now go and get your lodger's lunch ready — the gravy soup and the coffee, and the beefsteak o' pongdetare — ha, ha, ha ! what fun it will be to see missus a-doing the cooking, and master a-brushing the boots — ha, ha, ha ! (Exit, C. to l. ) (Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins remain with the boots, brush, apron, &^c., in their arms, contemplat- ing each other in 7nute stupefaction. ) Sprig. Well, now, we are in a precious fix ! I never thought the hussey really meant it. What the deuce are we to do ? however, as far as our immediate requirements are concerned, I suppose there's no great mystery in broiling a beefsteak and making a cup of coffee ? Mrs. Sprig, [indignantly) What, sir, do you suppose that I, a distant descendant of the Fitz-Pentonvilles, will disgrace myself by meddUng with frying-pans and gridirons? Never! Sprig, [subjnissively) Well, my dear, then I'll attend to the culinary department — perhaps you wouldn't object just to take the dust off the lady's boots — somebody must do it, you know, we have let the apartments, " attendance included." Mrs. Sprig, [angrily snatching boots a jid brush from her husband) Mr, Spriggins, I'll never forgive you for subjecting a lady of my aristocratic descent to such shocking humilation ! [begins to brush ICI ON PARLE FRANC AIS. 13 P' jX:°( S M';boots, if you please ; and send the servant '° Mr" Sprif There ! she wants somebody to lace her stays ! per- ""Mrf'sprig. (m a tremendous fluster) M-'-.^Priggif • ^ ^""^^"J on^he P^sLt^ccasjon to^cnfice ^^^^'^^^.^t^^^ '°t;y/^Ti) Halloa: « the. ^^^ Frenchman wants his stays lacea. no, iu Enter Victor, A»« ^« '"<'<"«. ^- ^' '^^ 5«,« .«<7«««/, Angelina appears door, B. i E. ^moiir^ \\. vj diS riot \- on apparition ! i, ^ i he condock me to your side ! forgotten me long ago. Angel, (coquelltshly) I 'h°"f*'t ^^ JV^ u,u.f,uii\ Forget you ! Victor. {Ml retainmg htshM o^^beUP^^^^^^^ ^ >^,^„ 14 I CI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. grasps the bell-piill, not perceivmg that by so doing he is also ringing the bell) Angel. Take care, Monsieur Victor, you're ringing the bell. Ah, here's somebody coming. (Angelina disappears, R. i E.,a7id Victor, l. ; they slam their doors violently, at the same momenf) Re-enter Spriggins, C. frotn L. Sprig, [perceiving the two doors shut simultaneously) Bless my soul ! What a devil of a draught there is here. Enter MAJOR Regulus Rattan, c. from l. — he wears an undress military coat buttoned up to the chin, an enormous pair of mus- taches, and speaks haughtily and gruffly. Major, [angrily) What do you mean, sir, by opening your street door and leaving me standing on the step ? Sprig, [coolly continuing to black boots) Very sorry, sir, but I heard a ring in this direction. Major, [abruptly) Are you the shoeblack of this estabhshment? Sprig, [indignantly) Shoeblack ! Major. Servant, then — lackey, if you prefer the epithet. Sprig, [with offended dignity) Not by ^?;/y means, sir — not hy any means ! I'm merely performing the — a — a — the operation in which you see me engaged, out of a — a — politeness to my lodgers. [knocks at Victor's door, l., and puts down boots, which Victor puts out one arm to take) Mounseer ! la boots ! (Spriggins then returns to Major, and majestically throwing off his apron, exclaims) No, sir, I am the proprietor of this establishment. Major. Then it's you who let these lodgings ? Sprig. Yes, but I'm as full as I care to be, under existing cir- cumstances. Major, [angrily) Then what the devil do you mean by keeping your bill up?" Do you think people climb your infernally dark stair- case for the mere pleasure of contemplating that unmeaning phys- iognomy of yours? [abruptly) Who are your lodgers? Sprig, [surprised) A lady and gentleman. Major, [hastily) A lady and gentleman ? What sort of a lady and gentleman? Sprig, [with great dignity) Sir, I am a free born British subject, and I really don't see that I am in any way compelled to answer the question. Besides, you really appear so unnecessarily excited, that- Major. Excited! I should think I was. I've come all the way from the last refreshment station on an engine — an engine, sir, that I engaged at my own individual expense. By Jove, my eyes are full of coal dust now. Give me some water. Sprig, [surprised) Water ! ICI ON PARLE FRANC AIS. I 5 Major. Yes, to rinse the cinders out of my eyes ! Sprig. Confound it ! the fellow's going to refit here ! Major, {perceiving a glass water-Jug on table, filled with fiowers) Aha, this will do ! [Takes out fiowers — coolly throws them away — pours water into the palm of his hand, and bathes his eyes) Sprig, [alarmed) Mind what you're about! You're spilling the water over my new carpet. Major, [coolly) You can have it wiped up ! [takes up the curtains that are lying on sofa, and dries his hands in them) Sprig, [in agony — roaring) My new curtains ! Do-o-n't! I — I'll fetch you a towel. Major, [coolly throwing curtains away) Quite unnecessary ! [thump- ing down a chair in front ^Spriggins) Sit down. Sprig, [somewhat alarmed) Thank you, I'm not at all fatigued. Major, [imperatively) Sit down, I say. Sprig, [sitting down — aside) I feel half inclined to send for a policeman. Major, [sitting down) Now then. Are you married or single ? Sprig, [abruptly) Married. Major. I'm glad of it. You'll be the better able to sympathize with me. I, unfortunately, am also married. Sprig. Really, sir, your conversation is fascinating in the extreme, but- Major. Don't interrupt me — I was on the point of informing you that I'm a retired Major, late of the Cape Coast Slashers. Sprig, [aside) He looks his profession ! Major. Having got tired of Zulu Kaffirs and wild beast hunts, I sold out, returned to England, and in an unguarded moment, re- cently married a lovely young lady — the daughter of a brother officer. Sprig, [aside) Now what the devil is all this to me ? Major. Well, sir, wishing to give my wife a treat, I resolved upon spending a month with her at the sea-side ; we started this morning per express ; in the same carriage was a young fellow, one of those infernal, insinuating, foreign looking dogs ! On reaching the re- freshment station, my wife complains of hunger — I rush from the train, and purchase three Bath buns ; no sooner had my wife tasted one of them than she informs me she's thirsty. Sprig. Well, there's nothing so very extraordinary in that ! Major. Oh, you think so, do you? Just wait a moment before you give your opinion. Well, sir, forgetting that the ten minutes had already expired, I returned to the refreshment room, and was just compounding for a glass of sherry and water, when— zum ! zum ! zum ! off goes the train with my wife and the young French- man. l6 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. Sprig, [starting) The young Frenchman ! Major. Yes, sir— the young Frenchman. They hadn'texchang- ed a word the whole way — and yet they had connived together to deceive me! [^angrily] Don't you perceive, you old idiot, that my wife's need of refreshment was a mere pretext to get rid of me ? Sprig, [aside— alarmed) A young Frenchman ! It strikes me forcibly I've let my lodgings to the identical pair. Major, [yiohmtly) But I'll find them, [rises] and when I do I'll reduce them to atoms! I'll pulverize them to fine dust— I — I'll smash them like — [seizing the porcelain vase which stands on the table) Sprig, [alarmed, a7td seizing him by the arm) Gently, sir — that's real. Major. Pshaw ! how frightened you seem about a trumpery piece of earthenware ! Well, sir, [resuming his seat) I have just received information that persons answering to their description have been seen to enter a house on this side, and in this part of the street. I — 1 therefore insist upon your producing your lodgers — your female lodger especially. Sprig. Really, sir, this is most extraordinary conduct ! Major, [roaring) Produce your lodger, sir ! I'll not leave the house until I have closely inspected your female lodger ! [thumps his chair violently against floor, and resumes his seat with a deter- mined air) Sprig. Confound it all ! don't knock the house down ! Major, [roaring) Produce your female lodger I Sprig, [aside, trembling) If it should prove to be the lady who arrived just now, we're all done for. Major, [rising, and upsetting his chair) You refuse to produce your female lodger ? Enter Mrs. Spriggins, r. 3 e. Sprig, [perceiving her) Here's my wife, by Jove ! — a bright idea I [coining to R. — aloud) Sir, this is my female lodger. Major. What, that individual? Mrs. Sprig, [aside, offended) What does the fellow mean by in- dividual, I wonder? Sprig, [hastily, aside to his wife) Say it's you, or it's all up with us I Mrs. Sprig, [aside, alanned) What does he mean? Major. Are you the female tenant of these apartments? Sprig, [tivitching her dress behind) Say yes. Mrs. Sprig, [bewildered) Y-e-e-s ! Major, [to Spriggins) Then what the devil did you mean by talking to me of ?i young couple? [pointing to Mrs. Spriggins.) Is this your notion of juvenility ? ICI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. IJ Mrs. Sprig, [highly incensed) The impolite ruffian ! Major. The sight of you, madam, has appeased my suspicions as far as this house is concerned, [cones to c) I shall try next door, and then return to the White Hart Hotel, [relapsing into fury) But as to those two, if ever I catch them, I — I'll — [as he is going, he runs against a chair, which he kicks violently to the back of t lie stage, and e^x C. to i^. , furiously) Mrs. Sprig-, [disdainfully) And now, Mr. Spriggins, perhaps you'll inform me who this person is? Sprig. Who he is ? Why, it strikes me he's either the Wild Man of the Woods or the King of the Cannibal Islands. But there's no time to lose ; he'll be back again if we don't look out. [knocking hastily at Julia's door, r. 3 e., and calling) Hallo! Mrs. What's- your-name ! I must speak with you immediately ! Enter Julia, /w;« room, R. 3 e. Julia. With me, sir? Sprig. Yes, madam — it's really too bad of you to expose a re- spectable man like myself, the father of a family, to the chance of being devoured alive by a roaring Ojibbeway, like your husband ! Julia. My husband ! Angelina at this moment appears at door, R. i E. , and assumes a listening attitude. Sprig. Yes. madam, your husband, from whom it appears you have surreptitiously escaped, under cover of three Bath buns and a glass of sherry and water. Julia. My husband, you say, has been here? Oh, why did you not tell me ? Sprig. Because I knew better, madam — because he threatened to murder you and the young Frenchman, the partner of your flight. Angel, [aside) What do I hear ? The partner of her flight ! How dreadful ! [disappears hastily) Julia, [indignantly) Flight, sir ! How dare you insinuate such a thing? Good heavens! what a fearful position to be placed in ! And should my husband, naturally so jealous, attribute our acci- dental separation to premeditated design ! I'll hasten to him, and explain all. Where is he staying? Sprig. Let me see — he said he had put up at the White Hart Hotel, at the corner of the next street. Julia, [re-entering room) I'll put on my bonnet, and seek him immediately. (Exit, r. 3 e.) Mrs. Sprig. Well, Mr. Spriggins, a pretty mess you've brought us into by this absurd scheme of yours! This comes of pretending you can speak French, and sticking up a palpable falsehood in your parlor window ! l8 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. Sprig:, [distracted) Don't bother me, Mrs. Spriggins! Have you forgotten that the Frenchman's waiting for his coffee all this time? [entreatingly') Now go and make the kettle boil — do now — there's a ducky ! Mrs. Sprig, [tragically) Shades of my noble ancestors! behold not the degradation of your luckless descendant ! (Exit, c. to l.) Re-enter ]\5\AK,from roorn, R. 3 E., with her bonnet and shawl on — her bonnet is trimmed with cherry-colored ribbons. Julia, [eagerly) The hotel at the corner, you said, sir? Sprig. Yes, ma' am, I'll come down to the door and show you where it is. [aside] There'll be murder done if that Cape Coast Slasher returns and finds her here! [aloud) This way, ma'am — this way. (Exeunt, C. to L,) The moment they are gone, Angelina rushes in, R. i e., and throws herself, in a state of great dejection, into an arm chair. Angel. Can I believe my senses ? Monsieur Victor has has run away with a married woman ! How frightful ! [produces her pocket handkerchief) Enter Victor, l. Victor. Enfin ! they are all gone ! Ah, de object de mon adora- tion ! My dear mees Angel, [indignantly) Leave me sir — your conduct is shameful — infamous ! Victor, [astonished) Misericorde ! vat have I did ? Angel. I have overheard all, sir! Can you deny that you came here this morning with a lady — a married lady, sir — with whom you had run away ? Victor. Charmante, mees, ma parole d'honneur — I see her for de first time dis morning in de railway, [tragically placijig his hand on his heart) On de honneur of von P>enchman, ma'amselle, I love but von lady in dis vide vorld, and dat is your charmante self. I swear it by dis leetle hand ! [kneeling and kissing her hand. As he is doittg so, Spriggins enters at back, C.from L., with coffee pot and cup, and on perceiving the tableau before him, utters a shout of surprise) Sprig. Hallo! What's all this? Angel, [tragically) Heavens ! my pa I Victor. Ventrebleau ! dat old hombogs again ! Sprig, [uttering a cry of pain) Confound the coffee pot! I've burnt my fingers! [puts coffee f>ot and tray on table) I say, moun- seer, what— a — a — what la devil were you doing at my daughter's feet? Explain, sir, what was your motive for assuming that shoe- maker s attitude? ICI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. 1 9 Victor, [with much solemnity) Sare, se immortal Shak-es-pare to say, " Brevity is se soul of wits." I have the honor to ask de hand of your female shild in marriage ! Sprig, [astonished) The devil you have ! Victor. Yes — she loves me, and 1 love she. Sprig. What, in five minutes ? I must put a stop to all this ! I insist upon your leaving my apartments instantly ! Victor. Sare, I shall do nothing of de kind. I have pay for von veek, and parbleu, for von veek I vill remain — so you must permission me to drink my cafe in tranquilite. [aside) De old hombogs I he tink he to see some green ! [Seats himself at table — -pours himself out a cup of coffee, which he proceeds to drink with the greatest calmness. He is so situated that his face is turned away from the door at back) Sprig, [in a tremendous passion) I — I shall go mad with rage ! — and to think that I've brought it all upon myself through that infernal " Ici on Parle Frangais! " Re-enter MAJOR Regulus Rattan, violently, C. fro7n l. Major. I knew the rascal was deceiving me ! Sprig, [aside) Mercy upon us ! Here's the roaring Ojibbeway come back again i Victor, [aside) Ma foi ! de husband of de leetle voyageuse. Major, [to SPRIGGINS — not perceiving Victor) And so sir, you thought you'd make an ass of me, did you ? But allow me to inform you that it's not to be done, sir — it's not to be done ! As I was re-passing this wretched old house of yours, I happened to look up at the bed-room window — and through it, I perceived, lying on the dressing-table, an article of costume which confirms my suspicions that my wife is at this very moment in your house. Victor, [aside) My opinion is, dat sie fellow is tree sheets in sie wind mill ! Major, [to Spriggins) Sir, I am naturally of a mild disposition ! Up to the present, I flatter myself I have been calmness itself! — but have a care, sir ! Dare to exasperate my natural placidity by further prevarication, and I — I — [in a tremendous fury) — damme, I'll pound you to a jelly! [laying hold of him by the collar) My wife, sir — hand her over this instant ! Sprig, [breaking from him) Let go, sir, you're rumpling my front ! Major. You won't? Then I'll find her myself, [rushes to door, R. 3 E., kicks it open violently — crash, and, exit, R.) Sprig, [dismayed) The fellow has broken my lock ! To think that wild Indians should be allowed to roam about in this manner ! The police are really of no use at all ! 20 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. Re-enter MAJOR, R. 3 E., with a lady s bonnet in his hand. Major. It's remarakbly strange ! — I've looked under the bed, and in all the cupboards, but no Mrs. Major Rattan. Sprig. Haven't I been telling you so for the last quarter of an hour ? Major, [crushing bonnet in his hand) And yet, this infernal bon- net is a proof that she must be concealed somewhere about these dingy premises, [punches in the crown of the bonnet) Sprig. Why, confound the fellow ! That's my wife's new Sunday bonnet ! She forgot to remove it with her other things ! Major. Your wife's! Then why the devil do you allow your wife to wear cherry colored ribbons, like Mrs. Major Rattan? [angrily claps bonnet on Spriggins' head) Once more, I say, where is she ? Sprig, [violently alarmed) She's a — a — a — [sta7mnering) she's go-one out ! Major, [in a voice of thunder) Gone out! Then she has been here? Sprig, [doggedly) Well, then — yes — she has ! She's just gone to the White Hart Hotel — a — a — in the hope of finding you there. Major. Rascally letter of unlettable lodgings 1 you're deceiving me again ! Here's another apartment — I dare say she's concealed there ! [Is about to enter YiCTO'R.'s roojn, l., when Victor rises and places himself between the Major a7td the door) Victor. Sap-r-r-ris-ti ! You take me for von nincompoop, sare ! No von shall valk into my own particular apartment. Major, [with a tremendous start) Fire and fury ! that accursed young frog-eater! [roaring) Where's my wife, sir? Victor, [calmly) Sare, I not know. Major. It's false, sir — you bribed the guard to start without me. Victor. You tell von lie, sare ! Major. Rascal ! hand me over Mrs. Regulus Rattan ! Victor, [throwing himself into a burlesque boxing attitude) Sare, I vill box your eye ! Sprig. [i7i a violent state of alarm) Good gracious! there'll be murder done ! Dear gentlemen, if you are determined to cut one another's throats, don't doit over my new carpet! Major, [to Victor) Sir, you shall give me satisfaction on the spot. I never travel without my pistols! [producing pistols from his pocket and presenting one to Victor) Victor, [in a furious rage) Sare, you are one enrage ros-bif bull dog I Major. Insolent puppy ! You shall receive my fire across this I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 21 table, in the American style! Old What's-his-name shall be second to both of us. (Victor and Major place themselves one on each side of the table) Sprig, [wringing- his hands) Oh, dear — oh, dear! a duel across my best bit of mahogany ! [rushing between them — roaring) Gentle- men — gentlemen ! this isn't Chalk Farm ! Major. Now then, sir, are you ready ? Sprig, [in a paroxysm of fear) Murder! fire! poUce ! Major. Keep still, you old jackanapes, or — [suddenly looking in the direction of window) Hallo! can I believe my eyes ! [runs violently to window and opens it) Enter MRS. Spriggins, c.frorn L. Mrs. Sprig. Why, what on earth is the meaning of all this noise ? Major, [looking out of window) Zounds and confusion ! if there isn't my wife looking in at a bonnet shop ! By Jupiter, she's com- ing here ! [shuts down window violently, and breaks a pane of glass) Sprig, [despairingly) There goes half a crown's worth. Major. Now, then, I shall discover the truth at last. I'll conceal myself behind these window curtains, and mark me — if one of you, by word or sign, intimate that I am in the room, [with calm ferocity) I — I'll blow his brains out. [conceals himself behind cur- tain — he occasionally clicks the lock of a pistol as a retninder ) Mrs. Sprig, [alarmed) Mercy on us ! what a ferocious monster. Sprig, [dolefully) If I'm not laid up after all this, it's a pity ! Oh, what a fool I was ever to let lodgings — and what an idiot I was to stick up " Ici on Parle Frangais ! " Enter JULIA, C. from L. Julia. Dear me, how very vexatious ; my husband appears merely to have stopped a few minutes at the hotel, and then to have gone out no one knows where, [observing their silence and constraint) But what's the matter with you all ? What do you all mean by staring at one another in this way ? Sprig, [confused) I — I — I don't feel exactly the thing. Julia. Has anything happened during my absence? [still strict silence — to Spriggins) Has my husband been here again ? [no one answers) Have either of you seen him, I say ? Sprig. No ! Mrs. Sprig. No ! Victor. No ! Julia. So much the better, [to Victor) for if he had found you here, monsieur, there's no knowing what might have happened. Major, [who repeatedly pops his head from behind curtains — aside) So she was anxious on the fellow's account ; fire and fury ! 22 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. Julia. (mz«^) My poor husband is so dreadfully jealous, [1o Mrs. Spkiggins) If he had even seen the friendly shake of the hand which your husband gave me just now at the door — Sprig, [horribly alarmed) It's no such thing! I_I_I_didn't give you a friendly anything ! [aside — writhing) I'm certain the monster is taking deliberate aim at me between the shoulders. Julia, [appears surprised at Spriggins' manner, but continues) I'm sure you monsieur, [addressing Victor) must have noticed how fiercely he glared at you in the train, every time you hap- pened to look my way. (Victor says nothing but nods his head violently) I do believe — ha, ha, ha I I do believe he was jealous of you — of you who confess that you are dead in love with the young lady you met at a ball in Pans. Major, [aside, popping his head from betweeti curtains) A young lady — ball — Paris ? Julia. [conti7iuing) A young lady to whom you must indeed be deeply attached, since you have journeyed to this town for the sole purpose of seeking after her. Major, [aside) What's that she says? [rushes violently towards Victor, and as he does so, drags down curtains) Julia, [extremely astonished) My husband ! Mrs. Sprig. | ^/„ ^^^;^^) The curtains ! Major, [stumbling over curtains) Confound your curtains ! [throws them away — to Victor eagerly) Is it really true that you are in love with somebody else? Victor. Vat you mean, sare ? Sprig. To be sure he is — the somebody in question happens to be my daughter. Major. Your daughter ? why, you never told me you had a daughter! Produce her! produce your daughter, sir! Enter Angelina, r. i e., during the last words. Sprig. Here she comes ! Major. Hem! Ah! nice looking girl, not in the least hke her father, [to Angelina — impressively) Young woman, is this seduc- tive foreigner in love with you ? Angel, [glancing archly at Victor) At any rate, he says so ! Victor, [rapturously approaching her) And he mean it too — and once more, [turning to Spriggins) my dear old gentlemans, I pray you to accord to me se hand of your charmante female shild ; my father, he vere rich — Dubois et Compagnie, Rue Saint Lazare, Paris ! Major, [hastily) Dubois and Co., Rue St. Lazare — bless my soul — know the firm well — got a house out at the Cape ! [aside) By Jove, then I've been making an ass of myself all this time! ICI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 23 [abruptly) Take her, young man — she's yours ! {handing Ange- lina to NiQ.TO^— pathetically) Bless you, my children ! Sprig, [hastily) Hallo ! there ! — not quite so fast — as I'm only the young lady's father, allow me to have some share in the mat- ter! Mrs. S. and I must talk the matter over, and if, upon in- quiry, I find Mr. Dubois' description of himself to be correct, I see no reason why w^e shouldn't accept him as our son-in-law. Victor, [kissing AiiG^'Li'tiA.'s hand) Oh, bonheur ! Enter Anna Maria, cfrom l. with bonnet and shawl on. Anna, [with great dignity) Please to pay me my wages, and to examine my box, for my cousin, the policeman, has called to fetch it away. Sprig. My good girl, we'll see about all that presently — Mrs. Spriggins, you were perfectly right — If ever I speculate again, I'll take precious good care it shan't be on my own premises, and, for the future, my only method of "letting lodgings," will be to " let lodgings alone ! ' ' Anna, [eagerly) Let lodgings alone ! then I resumes my place. [takes off bonnet and shawl ) Sprig. Thankee ! [continuing ) And as for French, my dear, I give up all idea of it, whether before or after breakfast, for although my pretensions to that language have brought me a son- in-law, I am firmly convinced I shall never have it in my power conscientiously to say — [tap pifig himself 07t the forehead) " Ici ON Parle Francais ! " Angel. Spriggins. Victor. Mrs. Sprig. Julia. Anna. Major. CURTAIN. BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A. Dr^ivi^a. in Kive Acts, by H. V. Vogx. Price, 15 Cents. Nine male, three female characters, viz.: Leading and Second Juvenile Men, Uld Man, Genteel Villain, Walking Gentleman, First and Second Light Comedians, Heavy Character, Lov^r Comedian, Leading and Second Juvenile Ladies and Comic Old Maid. Time of playing, Two houre and a half. SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. Act L Lovb vs. Impui^e. — Doller- dutch's office. — A fruitless journey, a heap of accumulated business and a chapter of unparalleled impudence. — News from the front. — A poor girl's taouble and a lawyer's big heart. — Hil- da's sad story. — " I 'II see this thing through if it costs me a fortune I " — A sudden departure in search of a clue — The meeting of friends. — One of nature's noblemen. — Maitland betrays his secret by a slip of the tongue. — The ball at Beachwood. — Twospooneys.fresh from coUege.lose their heads and their hearts. —"Squashed, by Jupiter!' — Trusting innocence and polished villainy. — The interrupted tryst. — An honest man's avowal. — A picture of charming simpli- city. — Murdell and Hilda meet face to iace. — " I dare you to make another victim 1" — A scoundrel's discomfiture. — Tableau. Act n. The Separation. — The Mait- land homestead. — Anastasia's doubts. — A warm welcome and its icy reception. —Forebodings and doubts. — Father and eon. — Searching questions. —A domestic storm and a parent's command. — A foiled villain's wrath. — Enlisting for the war. — The collapse of the cowards. — " It 's no u-se, 'Dolphy, the jig 's up !" — Hilda's sympathy and Adrienne's silent despair. — The result of impulse. — The father pleads for his son. — Anastasia and Dollerclutch. — Coriolanus comes to grief. — Good and bad news. — Husband and wife. — Reginald demands an ex- ?lanation. — A hand without a heart. — he separation. — A new recruit. — Too late ; the roll is signed. — Tableau. Act III. Duty vs. Impulse. — Four vears later. — A camp in the army. — Longines. — " Only six miles from home ! — The skeleton in the closet. — A father's yearning for his child. — A woman-hater in love. — Dollerclutch's dream. — A picture of camp life and fun. — Coriolanus has his revenge. — News from home. — Dollerclutch makes a big find. "Eureka!" — Proofs of Hilda's parentage and marriage. — A happy old lawyer. — " I '11 take them to Hilda ! " — Detailed for duty. — A soldier's tempta- tion. — The sentinel deserts his post — The snake in the grass. — "At last, I can humble his pride ! " Act IV. The Reconciliation and Sequel. — At Reginald's homt-. — News from the army. — " Grant is not the man to acknowledge defeat !" — Adrienne and Hilda. — False pride is broken. — The re- conciliation. — " Will Reginald forgive me?" — Dollerclutch brings joy to Hil- da's heart. — "You are the daughter of Morris Maitland !"— The stolen docu- ments and the snake in the grass. — "Hang me if I don't see this thing through !" — A letter to the absent one.— Face to face. — The barrier of pride swept down. — "Reginald, I love you; come back!" — The happy reunion. —An ominous cloud. — "I have deserted my post ; the penalty is death. I must re'- turn ere my absence is discovered !" — The wolf in the sheepfold. — A wily- tempter foiled. — A villain's rage. — " Those words have sealed your doom !" — The murder and the escape. — Dollerclutch arrives too late. — The pur.- suit. Act V. Divine Impulse. — In camp. — Maitland on duty. — The charge of de- sertion and the examination, — "I knew not what I did !" — The colonel's lenity. — Disgrace. — News of Adrienne's murder is Drought to camp. — Circumstantial evidence fastens the murder upon Reg- inald.— The court-martial. — Convicted and sentenced to be shot. — Preparations for the execution. — ' God knows I am innocent! " — Dollerclutch arrives in the nick of time. — "If you shoot that man you commit murder!" — The beginning of the end. — "Adrienne lives!" — A vil- lain's terror. — Adrienne appears on the scene. — " There is the attempted assas- sin !" — Divine impulse. — The reward of innocence and the punishment of vil« lainy. — Good news. — " Hurrah, the wal- ls over; Lee has surrendered to Grant!" — The happy dgnouement 3ind Jlnale,- • Tableau. Copies mailed, post-paid, to any address on receipt o/the advertised price. HAROIvE) ROORBACH, Publishier, 9 MYJRRAV ST., I«E:^V YORK. NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. THE JAPANESE WEDDING. A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life. The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 minutes), with the " tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred. Price, 25 Cents. AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and Bob Allen, Bob Sawj'er, Mrs. and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents. AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield, Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis, Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require 1 it little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but simple ; the diah gue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements and calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT, The action takes place in Santa Claus land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos- tumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements graceful and easily managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents. RECENTLY PUBLISHED. ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux ?''i7'rt«^j, by Martha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. PARI- I. -MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction, 12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. PART II. — MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- bleaux and 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. E^ght male, three female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. E.ght male, three fTnale chancters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female character^. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents. THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. ^^^ Any 0/ the above will be sent by utaily postpaid, I/} any address, on receipt of the anfiexed prices. „„^^ HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher. 9 Murray St., New York. LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS HELMER'S ACTOR'S MAKE-UP |||||||||||||||||| mi,,,,,,,!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, A Frattical and Systematic Guide to the Art c/ . n 014 549 849 i ^ PRICE, 25 CENTS. With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical Wigs and Bkards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the different features and their MANAGEMENr, TYPICAL CHARACTER Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the USE OF Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- men. Copiously Illustrated. CONTENTS. L Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. H. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe hair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- lated. HL The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed, IV. The Make-up Box.— Grease Paints. Grease paintL in sticks; Flesh Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- in6iique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crepe Hair and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's" Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind- ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or moustache ; llow to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose; How to use the nose putty; A pug nose ; An African nose; a large nose apparently reduced in size. The Mouihand Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous mouth; a satirical mouth; a one-sided mouth; a merry mouth ; A sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character. A Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. VI. Typical Character Masks, — The Make-up for Youth : Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. Chinese. King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. Clowns. VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical Wiga and Hair Goods. Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, ^ 9 Murray Street, :New York.