i Farce in -^ Act^ 
 
 'M 
 
 ki 
 
 
 
 Hli;^abeth H; Adams 
 
A Farce in Three Acts 
 
 a 
 
 HELP!" 
 
 By 
 
 Elizabeth H. Adams 
 
 AU Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted 
 
 Price 25cts. Postpaid 
 
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 CopyrUht IQIQ by TULLAR-MEREDITH CO. Imlermallonal Ctfyritht Stcund 
 
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CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 Ernestyn Devor ^.^° *"^s *« solve the servant prob- 
 
 Lee Clarendon Her lover. 
 
 Mrs. A. Soshall Klcimer. What her name implies. 
 
 Algernon Kleimer Her son. 
 
 James Mrs. Kleimer's butler. 
 
 Marie Ernestyn's maid. 
 
 Genevieve Berkeley \ 
 
 Katherine Beacon / 
 
 Rosamond Arlington ( "Busy Buds.' 
 
 Carola Boylston 
 
 Lucille Parks 
 
 Mrs. Ada Fellows Sociological speaker. 
 
 Pearl Sybilla Daubs \ 
 
 Bridget O'Hara / Applicants for position at the Devor 
 
 Hilda Schmidt [ , 
 
 \ home. 
 
 Maggie Murphy I 
 
 Time : Present. Place : Boston. 
 
 Act. I. Living-room at Ernestyn Devor's home. 
 
 Act n. (Scene i) Reception-room at Mrs. Kleimer's. 
 
 Act II (Scene 2) — Maid's sitting-room at Mrs. Kleimer's. 
 
 Act. III. (Scene i) Same as Act i. 
 
 Act III. (Scene 2) Same as Act I. 
 
u 
 
 Help" 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 
 (Home of Ernestyn Devor. End of meeting of "Busy Buds" Society.) 
 (Enter Ernestyn, leading Mrs. Ada Fellows, speaker of the afternoon, 
 
 and other members of "Busy Buds." 
 Em. Now that we've had the meeting, let's come in here and have tea 
 
 and I'm sure Mrs. Fellows will let us ask a few informal questions 
 
 about her work and any way in which we can help. 
 
 (Maid Aounces in with tea, cakes, etc. Exit. Em. passes tea, Lucille 
 Parks helping during talking. She must take care not to pass to or in 
 
 front of a person who is speaking.) 
 
 Mrs. F. Yes, indeed. Any help that I can give you, will in the end help 
 the cause, too. 
 
 Gen. Berk. Well, when I come home from the theater in the evening, 1 
 see so many girls out talking on the street corners; especially do they 
 stand around the Common. Something ought to be done about that, 1 
 think. If we could run community dances or form clubs where the 
 young people could hear good music or enjoy good books, wouldn't that 
 be a help? 
 
 Mrs. F. There are a great many places of that sort in the city and yet 
 we cannot reach all of these people. There could never be too many 
 places of clean amusement. 
 
 Kath. Beac. Some of them don't want to be improved. They are so tui- 
 reasonable. But, Mrs. Fellows, I think that "Alcoholism" is even worse 
 than "street girls." Don't you think it would have a good effect on a 
 man who drinks to have some of us speak to him? I think / could help 
 that way. (She preens herself before the mirror opposite her.) 
 
 Ros. Art. But, speaking of the street-girls, Genevieve, dance-halls are the 
 very thing there has been sound criticism of in the papers. 
 
 Gen. But we could run a nice quiet one. 
 
 Ros. That's the kind that these people won't come to. (Mrs. Fellows 
 smiles approvingly at her.) 
 
 Ern. Well, Mrs. Fellows, I wish you could help me. Perhaps you no- 
 ticed the air of Marie, our maid. I have tried my best to be sisterly and 
 sympathetic with her, but it doesn't do any good. I don't know whether 
 it's my method that is at fault or what, but I certainly am not success- 
 ful — I don't understand her at all. Can you help me? 
 
 Mrs. F. (Who has been glancing at her zvatch, rises to go and Pats Er- 
 nestyn' s arm.) Just put yourself in her place, my dear, and I'm sure 
 you'll learn to understand and will succeed. Now, I must go. I've had 
 a lovely time ; most delicious tea. I'm very glad to have met you young 
 ladie.s. I hope you will become interested in my work. Goodbye. 
 
 Chorus. Yes. indeed. Goodbye. 
 {Exit Mrs. Fellows.) 
 
"HELP>' 5 
 
 Carola B. Isn't she lovely! I am so interested! I shall ask Pa for a 
 check tonight. I'll give a lawn party for those poor drunkards. I shall 
 feed them marguerites, fudge and tea and I know that will quench their 
 horrible thirst, for they say that if a man eats candy he won't drink. 
 
 Gen. Yes and I'm going to try to help those poor girls on the Common. 
 
 Ros. Oh, girls, do let up on this talk. We're getting to be a regular 
 "Ladies' Improvement Society." Let's talk about somethmg cheerful. 
 
 Carola B. Take Ernestyn and Lee Clarendon for instance. (Ernestyn 
 makes gesture of scorn.) 
 
 Lucille Parks. I don't call him very cheerful. I saw him yesterday and 
 he looked as if he had lost his last friend. Ernestyn, if you're so char- 
 itably inclined, why don't you put him out of his misery and say Yes ! 
 
 Kath. Beac. But he looks so romantic and sad. 
 
 Em. I am just so charitable that I won't say "Yes" to any man until I 
 can run his home and manage his servants. I've seen enough of girls 
 who have made their husbands' lives miserable by not knowing how to 
 do that sort of thing. That's one reason why I had Mrs. Fellows speak 
 today. 
 
 Gen. Well. I know if such a fine man as Lee Clarendon proposed to me 
 five or six times / wouldn't keep him dangling. I'd be afraid some 
 other girl might nab him. 
 
 Lucille You needn't worry about that, Genevieve, Lee Clarendon can't 
 see anybody else as long as Ernestyn is on the same planet with him. 
 
 Carola. Girls! Girls! Do you hear? It's almost six o'clock and we'll 
 never get home for dinner. 
 
 Chorus. Oh mercy! Is it as late as that? Goodbye, Ernestyn dear. 
 Be good, see you tomorrow, etc. 
 
 (All say farewells. Exeunt. Ernestyn conies back and drops into a 
 chair She rests her head on her hands, looking at Mane, who is taking 
 out the dishes. Marie holds her head up in the air as she walks out.) 
 
 Em. (Meditatively.) Put myself— in— her— place? (Excitedly and 
 with determination.) I will ! 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 ACT 2. SCENE I. 
 
 (Reception room of Mrs. Soshall Kleimer, who sits, reading.) (Enter 
 
 James, Butler, at r.) 
 James. Girl from the intelligence office. Madam. 
 
 Mrs. K. Send her in, James. . . r- •. r , .\ 
 
 (Exit James at I. Re-enter with Ernestyn Devor.) (Exit James at u) 
 
 Mrs. K. Be seated. You have come to apply for position of second 
 maid? 
 
 Em. Yes, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. K. Your name? 
 
 Em. Mary Smith. 
 
 Mrs. K. Have you any references? 
 
 Em. (Starting.) N-no. (Brightly.) I just came from my home down 
 in Maine— near Portsmouth. 
 
6 "HELP" 
 
 Mrs. K. {Looking through lorgnette.) Indeed! Haven't I seen you 
 somewhere before — possibly your picture? 
 
 Em. {Confused.) Why — er — oh! Perhaps it was in the Boston Trav- 
 eler. I sent my picture to the beauty contest. I wanted to go to the 
 San Francisco Fair. 
 
 Mrs. K. I probably saw your picture there, then. Now, are you honest? 
 Can you serve well? Are you neat? 
 
 Em. {Gravely.) I think I can answer all those questions in the affirma- 
 tive. 
 
 Mrs. K. {Again looking sharply at Ern.) As to Sunday morning, do 
 you go to church? I'll give you Tuesdays and Fridays off. 
 
 Ern. Thank you — and I shan't go to church. 
 
 Mrs. K. Well, I must have some one immediately. Could you not stay 
 now? There's a uniform in the sitting-room down stairs. You could 
 have that and you could go for your clothes tomorrow. 
 
 Ern. Why — Y-yes. I think so. 
 
 Mrs. K. {Pushing button.) That is good. {Enter James at r.) Show 
 the maid to the kitchen, James. She will stay and you may tell her he.r 
 duties. 
 {Exit James and Mary at r. Liter Algernon Kleimer sheepishly.) 
 
 Mrs. K. {Looking up disapprovingly.) Well, Algernon. I thought you 
 were in Cambridge. How is this? {Slie presents her cheek indiffer- 
 ently. Algernon gives it a perfunctory peck.) 
 
 Alg. H'lo, Mater, thought I'd just run down to see if — er — you could 
 lend me a little cash. 
 
 Mrs. K. Cash? You've had your allowance, haven't you? I'm sure it's 
 a very generous one. It seems to me enough to keep you moving in the 
 right set. It certainly must be as much as Charles Blueblood has. 
 
 Alg. Well — er — I don't know. I haven't seen Charles for some time. 
 
 Mrs. K. Well, whom are you going with, then? Why do you want 
 money if you're not going with those people? 
 
 Alg. Oh, I've been taking out some girls and you need an awful lot o' 
 money to sport a girl. 
 
 Mrs. K. {With disdain.) Who are these girls? 
 
 Alg. Their names are Susie Bates and Annie Brown. They live out 
 (Roxbury) way. {The name of any poor suburb may be inserted.) 
 
 Mrs. K. But, my dear, who ever heard of them? Why don't you go 
 with some of those nice girls, like Rosamond Arlington or Ernestyn 
 Devor? Oh, for a son who had some aspirations, some ideals, some am- 
 bitions ! 
 
 Alg. {Shrugging his shoulders.) Oh, those girls ! 
 
 Mrs. K. {Almost in tears.) How dreadful to have a son with no social 
 instincts. I'd give anything to have you care to associate with the right 
 people. 
 
 Alg. {Looking up with an idea; aside) I wonder how much she would 
 give. {Aloud.) I could meet those swells any time, if I wanted to. 
 
 Mrs. K. {Eagerly.) Why don't you, then? 
 
 Alg. Well, I'm kind of tied to Susie and Annie for this blowout, but if I 
 could do it up in shape for them this time, then I could drop 'em and 
 make up to the Awl-ing-ton lady. 
 
-HELP'' T_ 
 
 Mrs. K. Or Miss Devor? 
 
 Alg. Yes — or the fair Ernestyn! 
 
 Mrs. K. Er — Algie, er — about how much would this "blow-out," as you 
 term it, cost you? 
 
 Alg. (Airily.) Oh, about $200! 
 
 Mrs. K. (Gasping.) $200! My dear! (Short pause.) Still— if I felt 
 that it was to be the turning point in your career, if I could be sure that 
 hereafter you would seek the company of 
 
 Alg. (Interrupting.) I say, Mater, I'll make you a proposition (rises 
 
 . and zvalks back and forth, szvinging cane, etc. Mrs. K. starts to protest.) 
 Oh, it's all right, I'll make you a bet — come on now, be a sport ! I'll 
 bet you $200 that inside of six months I'll spend a week-end in Miss 
 Devor's house on her invitation. I need the $200 now, so you give me a 
 check today and if I win, you've paid me and if I lose — well, I'll — I'll 
 give up that trip to Europe next Fall. 
 
 Mrs. K. Oh, but Algie, how coarse! 
 
 Alg. No, no, it's all right; I mean it just as a sporting proposition — just 
 for the fun of it. 
 
 Mrs. K. (Ingratiatingly.) Well, if you insist — you know, Algie, I've 
 always tried to be a good comrade to you, haven't I? 
 
 Alg. (Rising and patting her on the shoulder.) Sure you have, Mater 
 (winks at the audience.) That's the stuff ! Well, I've got to hike back to 
 the grind. Be sure and send that check this afternoon. 
 
 Mrs. K. Yes indeed. 
 
 Alg. Bye-bye. (Exit at r.) 
 
 Mrs. K. Goodbye, my dear. (Self-congratulatory, smiling and tapping 
 chest.) Mrs. Bismarck!! 
 
 (Enter James at r. Cross to left, exit. Re-enter at I. If there I'i 
 space behind back drop, James crosses behind scenes and enters at I.) 
 
 James. Miss Rosamond Arlington. 
 
 Mrs. K. (Graciously.) Oh, send her in by all means, James, and at 
 once, James, at once. (James boivs. Exit at I.) What a shame Algie 
 missed her. (Enter James and Rosamond Arlington at I.) 
 
 Mrs. K. Ah, Miss Arlington, a pleasure, I'm sure. Do sit down. James! 
 Send up tea by the new maid. (Exit James at r.) A delightful day, 
 Miss Arlington. 
 
 Ros. Yes, isn't it? I came to ask you, Mrs. Kleimer, if you wouldn't 
 like to contribute something to our (Insert name of any appropriate 
 local or natio7ial relief fund.) You know what work we are doing and 
 I thought you would be willing to add a little to our sum. The list of 
 contributors will be printed in one of the papers and 
 
 Mrs. K. (Eagerly.) Yes, but that is a mere trifle. May I see the list as 
 it stands now? (Rosamond hands her the list.) Thank you; (Reads.) 
 Ah! ha! Er — My husband will send you a check for both of us. (She 
 hears Mary coming.) Here's the tea. (She turns to the table to make 
 room for the tray.) (Enter Mary at r. Rosamond glances at her and 
 stares. Mary recognises her, shakes her head at her. She puts down 
 tray hastily and places finger on lips. Exit at r.) 
 
 Ros. What a nice looking maid you have. Where did you get her? 
 
 Mrs. K. From an Employment Agency on Tremont Street. She said 
 she came from Portsmouth, Maine ! 
 
8 'HELP** ^ 
 
 Ros. (Chuckling.) Really? How interesting! (Mrs. K. passes her 
 cup. Enter James at I. Goes through same performance as before ac- 
 cording to stage facilities.) 
 
 James. Telephone, Madam. Imperative. 
 
 Mrs. K. Do excuse me, Miss Arlington. I'll be right back. (Exit Mrs. 
 K. at r. Enter Mary looking cautiously around at I. She comes up to 
 Ros., on tip-toe.) 
 
 Mary. Rosamond Arlington, if you dare to tell her who I am or tell any- 
 body that you know I'm here, I'll — I'll never speak to you again ! Now 
 promise you won't! 
 
 Ros. But, Ernestyn, think of your family and Lee! Why, he got your 
 note and he doesn't know where you are. He's worried to death I 
 
 Mary. But he'll understand. He knows I'm safe if he got my note. Now, 
 promise, Rosamond, please ! 
 
 Ros. Oh, Ernie, I — quick, there comes Mrs. Kleimer. (Mary darts out 
 door at left as Mrs. K. enters at r.) (Ros. gulps down tea hastily.) 
 
 Mrs. IC. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Now about the check 
 
 Ros. Check? What check? Oh, oh, yes, pardon me! 
 
 Mrs. K. Now, shall we make it out to you or 
 
 Ros. Yes, to me, I'm the treasurer (rising and passing cup to Mrs. K.) 
 and now I must go. 
 
 Mrs. K. Oh, don't hurry. 
 
 Ros. Well, I have so many other calls to make I'm afraid I shall have to. 
 
 Mrs. K. (Sweetly.) Oh, yes, I see. Do come again. 
 
 Ros. Thank you. I enjoyed your tea very much and thank you for your 
 help too. Goodbye. 
 
 Mrs. K. (Going to door at I. with Ros.) Goodbye. (Exit Ros.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 ACT 2. SCENE 2. 
 
 {Maid's sitting-rom at Mrs. Kleimer's. James prinking before mirror at 
 
 b. A table with large cover coming to Hoor is at right side of stage, a 
 
 folding screen at left. Enter Mary I., limping.) 
 Mary. Why, James, what are you doing in here? Aren't you rather out 
 
 of place? 
 James. Well, to tell the truth, I am, but I thought you'd be tired after 
 
 serving all those people, so I brewed a cup o' tea for you. Sit down, 
 
 now, and I'll bring it right in. (E.vit James.) 
 Mary. (Calling after him.) Thank you, James. (Softly.) He's the 
 
 one bright spot in this awful experience. (Sobs.) I wish I'd never 
 
 tried it. (Brightening as James enters.) You're such a comfort, James. 
 James. (Sifting dozvn beside her -with tray, which has two cups and 
 
 saucers and some sugar.) Thank you de — Mary. 
 Mary. Oh, James, you forgot the cream. Go get that, that's in the jar 
 
 in the ice-box. 
 James. (Astonished.) Oh, no! that's Madam's cream. 
 Mary. Well, then, where's mine? 
 
" HELP >> __^ 9 
 
 James. You and I don't have any cream. 
 
 Mary. Don't have any? Why, I always have cream in my tea 
 
 James. Sorry, but it can't be helped. {Bell rings.) Oh, hang that bell. 
 
 {hxtt James, Mary takes tray to kitchen at I and returns.) 
 Mary. I think that's the limit, not having any cream. I'll put that in my 
 
 notebook. ■' 
 
 {Enter Lee at r. behind her. Mary starts and turns.) 
 Mary. Why, Lee— wh-where did you come from? 
 Lee. I came from misery at not knowing where you were. 
 Mary I'm so sorry, Lee, but (sighing) it's doing me worlds of good. 
 
 just think how well I can manage mother's maids after this experi- 
 ence. 
 
 Lee. (Stooping to kiss her.) I wish you'd worry about managing me. 
 (lie IS just about to kiss her when he hears the butler coming whis- 
 tling.) 
 
 Mary. (Jwnping up.) Quick, Lee, here comes James. Hide somewhere, 
 anywhere— under the table, quick ! (He dodges under the table. Mary 
 jumps upon it and ts swinging her heels and whistling nonchalantly 
 when James enters at I. He goes over and leans against the table beside 
 her, toward rear of stage, with hand on table behind her.) 
 
 James. (Smirking.) Little Mary's never told me what her last name is. 
 
 Mary. (Edging away.) Mary Smith. 
 
 James. But I mean your whole name. 
 
 Mary. That's all, plain Mary Smith. 
 
 James. (Getting still nearer.) Possibly Mary Smith, but never plain 
 Mary Smith. (Lee sticks his head out end toward audience. Mary puts 
 her hand over edge of table and bats him back again.) 
 
 Mary. (Edging still further azvay and facing James.) Yes, really, 
 I always sign my initials P. M. S. 
 
 James. Oh, but P. M. S. stands for Pretty Mary Smith. (James puts 
 his hand under her chin, he makes a dive to kiss her, but she draws 
 back and the kiss falls short.) 
 
 Mary. Oh, stop! (Lee makes a rumpus under the table and sticks his 
 head out again. James sees him.) 
 
 Mrs. K. (Outside.) James! (Lee looks wildly about; Mary bats his 
 head in again under the table and pushes James behind the screen on 
 the opposite side of stage.) 
 
 Mrs. K. James! (Enter Mrs. K. at I.) 
 
 Mrs. K. (Looking around with lorgnette.) Have you seen James any- 
 where, Mary? 
 
 Mary. I — I heard him in the pantry a little while ago. 
 
 Mrs. K. Yes? How do you like your sitting-room here, Mary? 
 
 Mary. Oh, I think it's a nice homelike room, but I wish there were a 
 
 closet or two in it. 
 Mrs. K. Why, what would you want of closets? 
 Mary. (Hesitating.) Oh, er — to put things in when unexpected callers 
 
 come in. 
 
 Mrs. K. Speaking of callers, Mary, 1 hope you're not a girl who has 
 followers. 
 
 Mary. Oh, no! I haven't published my idea, yet. 
 
10 " HELP " 
 
 Mrs. K. (Confused.) I meant, I hope you do not have gentlemen 
 callers? 
 
 Mary. Oh, no indeed! 
 
 Mrs. K. Well, that's good. Now, I must look for James. (Exit Mrs. 
 K. at I. As soon as she shuts the door behind her, Lee and James scram- 
 ble out from their hiding places and rush for each other.) 
 
 Lee. You — you masher ! 
 
 James. You sneak ! 
 
 Mary. (Rushing between them.) Oh, Lee — James, stop! stop! I tell 
 you ! James, I'll never speak to you again ! Lee, stop^I'll never in 
 this world 
 
 Lee. Ernestyn ! 
 
 Mary. Go quick ! go home, I tell you ! (She pushes Lee out of the door 
 at r. James starts after him. Mary grabs James by the coat-tails. En- 
 ter Mrs. Kleimer at I., who stands still, surveying the scene.) 
 
 Mary. James, stop ! you mustn't touch my brother ! 
 
 James. Your — brother ! (He turns on her and as she steps back, they 
 both discover Airs. Kleimer.) 
 
 Mrs. K. James, what do you mean by this? Go to your own quarters at 
 once. (Turning to Mary.) So you are the girl who has no followers! 
 You may leave my service tonight. (Exit James at I., Mary following 
 slowly.) Isn't it discouraging trying to get a decent maid. (She drops 
 into a chair.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 ACT 3. SCENE i. 
 Same as Act One. 
 
 (Living-room of Ernestyn Devor's home, three months later. Enter Er- 
 nestyn, pen in hand. Note. She must brandish pen around so that au- 
 dience will be sure to see it.) 
 
 Em. (Tearfully.) Oh, dear! Here's Mother in Europe for the Fall 
 and Marie is going to leave at the end of the week. I thought all the 
 ideas I learned at Mrs. Kleimer's were going to help me but I don't 
 see how they have at all. I've tried to be sisterly to her and it doesn't 
 work. I have let her have every evening out. I've given up entertain- 
 ing the girls because she said it was too hard and I've noticed cream and 
 cakes gone. Oh, it's too discouraging. (Glancing at clock.) I should 
 think it was time for some of the applicants from the Employment 
 Agency to show up. (Starting.) Oh. joy! I believe there's one now. 
 (Lays pen on table; fixes hair, straightens up and becomes proper. 
 
 Enter Marie follozved by Pearl Sybilla Daubs. Exit Marie.) 
 
 Em. (With surprise.) You came to apply for the place of parlor maid? 
 
 Pearl. (Gushingly.) Yes Indeed — isn't it a beautiful day? 
 
 Em. (Coldly.) Your name please? 
 
 Pearl. (Not to be crushed.) Pearl Sybilla Daubs. 
 
 Em. Have you done this sort of work before? (With back to Pearl 
 she walks to back of stage to fix drapery on zvindow; drops hand- 
 kerchief as she rises. Should be very lacy showy one.) 
 
" HELP " 11 
 
 Pearl. Well, not much, but (Picking up Em's handkerchief and putting 
 it in muff) I pick up things quite readily. 
 
 Em. {Turning.) Well, your duties would be to take daily care of the 
 parlors, the library and reception room; do the chamber work and an- 
 swer the door and call-bells. Do you think you could do that? 
 
 Pearl. Oh, yes ! I'd love to do it in a beautiful home like this. 
 
 Em. Are you strong? Are you sure it wouldn't be too hard for you? 
 (Looks out window.) 
 
 Pearl. (Sweetly.) Oh, I take things very easy (Picks up gold pen and 
 puts it in muff.) 
 
 Em. (Coming back to chair.) Have you any references? 
 
 Pearl. Certainly ! Right here ! (Hands envelope to Em. Em. reads.) 
 My former employers show beautiful appreciation. They all say I get 
 onto things so quick. (Adds silver paper knife to collection in muff.) 
 
 Em. (Rising.) Well, I should like a little time to look up your refer- 
 ences, so we'll leave it so that I will call you at the Agency if I want 
 you. Marie will show you out. 
 
 Pearl. (Rising also.) Yes'm, I think we'd be beautifully suited to each 
 other (Exit.) 
 
 Em. Rather a gay flyer, but maybe I can tone her dowa She seems 
 willing to work. I'll write her references down before I forget them. 
 (Starts to pick up pen.) Why, where's my pen? I know I brought it 
 in with me and laid it right here. Ker — (starts to sneeze and reaches 
 for handkerchief — sneeze vielts azvay in look of surprise.) Why, where's 
 that handkerchief? (Feels in belt; up sleeve, looks under table and 
 over to zvindozv.) I know I had that, too, besides the pen. Yes, I re- 
 member fooling with the pen and laying it across that dragon paper- 
 knife. (Blank look.) Why, that's gone too. Am I dreaming — or — 
 aha (look of anger comes over face.) Miss Pearl Sybilla certainly did 
 have taking ways. I'll call the police and see if they can't do some 
 taking as well. (Starts "hot foot" for the telephone, but is met by 
 Marie folloived by sloppy, dirty Bridget O'Hara.) 
 
 Marie. Something for you. Miss Ernestyn. (Exit.) 
 
 Em. Oh ! have you come for the position as parlor maid ? (Bridget 
 sinks into chair uninvited. Em. comes forward and sits.) 
 
 Bridget. Yes'm. Oi hiv thot; Oi want to be a par-r-lor maid, mum — 
 Oi've a great desire to be one. It's one o' thim jobs a loidy kin per- 
 for-r-m widout de-thractin' from her refoinment. 
 
 Em. (Half laughing.) But can you perfor-r-um a parlor maid's duties 
 with care? The dusting, you know 
 
 Bridget. Niver fear, mum, Oi've the gintleness of a lamb. 
 
 Em. Well, how much do you want? I generally give five dollars a 
 week. Would that suit you? 
 
 Bridget. Yes'm, per-r-rfectly. 
 
 Em. Do you have many followers? 
 
 Bridget. Well, mum, Oi can't hilp bein' more or less atthractive ! 
 
 Em. Well, you can have Sunday and Thursday afternoons and even- 
 ings out and 
 
 Bridget. Arrah, but Oi must hiv* more thin thot. I niver hiv' less thin 
 three afternoons and every avenin' out, mum. Niver ! ! 
 
12 " HELP '> 
 
 Em. Oh, I couldn't give you so much time as that because I'd want 
 
 you to wait on the door. 
 Bridget. (Rising.) Well, Oi'm sorry, mum, ye same rill plisant, but 
 
 Oi must hiv the toime to look after me hilth. 
 Em. (Pushing button.) Well, I'm afraid we can't agree. (Enter 
 
 Marie.) 
 
 Bridget. Good afternoon. Mum. (Exeunt Bridget and Marie.) 
 
 Em. (Sighing.) Goodness ! but she was awful ! I wish they'd send up 
 some decent ones. There must be some good ones somewhere. I be- 
 lieve I'll call the Agency and say that if they can't send me any good 
 ones —(BELL OUTSIDE) Oh, there's the bell, I'll see what this one 
 is like. (Sighs.) I may have to pay more. (Enter Marie with most 
 supercilious air possible followed by Hilda Schmidt. Exit Marie.) 
 
 Em. (Very politely.) Won't you sit down? You seem rather out of 
 breath. It's quite a hill to climb. 
 
 Hilda. Ja, it is. I hope you haf un-ach-aut-to-mo-bile got. 
 
 Em. No, well — that is, only a family one. 
 
 Hilda. My last Herr — employer let me in his-ach-aut-to-mobile once a 
 week for a ride go und he always me to church took. 
 
 Em. Well, the cars run near here and I'll pay your carfare to church 
 and back, if you wish to go. 
 
 Hilda. Ach, I like not street cars, aber, what kind of work must I do? 
 
 Em. Why, take daily care of the rooms on the front of the house, do 
 the chamber work and answer the door bell. 
 
 Hilda. Das ist gut, Ja. 
 
 Em. Have you any references? 
 
 Hilda. Ja, I haf beautiful ones in mein trunk. Haf you ein Fictrola? I 
 luf musik. 
 
 Em. I think we shall have one this Winter. Now, what pay do you 
 want? 
 
 Hilda. Well, I know not whedder I anything here want. 
 
 Em. (Hurriedly.) Oh, well, won't you think it over? I give $6.00 a 
 week; three afternoons and evenings out. I entertain very little and • 
 
 Hilda. Ach, nein, I guess I won't. I would a place like better where 
 
 they keep ein-ach-au-tomobile. (Rising.) Gut day! 
 Em. But you can ride in ours if you like. 
 Hilda. Well, nein, I guess not. (Em. rings. Enter Marie.) 
 Em. Marie, show this lady out, please. 
 Marie. (Glaring.) There's another one waiting, Miss. 
 Em. All right, show her in. (Exeunt Marie and Hilda.) Oh, dear, she 
 
 might have been a German spy, but if this one doesn't suit I think I 
 
 shall fly! I thought they'd want to do everything just as I said. (Enter 
 
 Marie and Maggie Murphy. Exit Marie.) 
 
 Em. Won't you sit down? 
 
 Mag. Why, yes, I moight as well. This is a swell place you got up here, 
 ma'am, and do yez have much company in it? I don't like a place when 
 they have too much company. 
 
 Em. No, I don't have very much company and we go away quite a 
 little ourselves. Have you any references? 
 
•' HELP " 13 
 
 Mag. Yes'm, Oi've been workin' for Mrs. Sumner Portland. She was a 
 foine woman. By the way, phwat time do yez have breakfast 'ere? 
 I'm not sich an early riser myself. 
 
 Em. Oh, we have it about eight. Are you 
 
 Mag. How much do you pay? 
 
 Em. Why, I have been paying six, but 
 
 Mag. Well, I think in a house as big as this a girl ought to get seven. 
 Do yez expect me to wait on the door? 
 
 Em. (Gasping.) Yes. I furnish your uniforms, caps and aprons 
 and 
 
 Mag. All right. I've always had all me evenin's off. How many after- 
 noons do you give? 
 
 Em. Three afternoons besides the evenings. 
 
 Mag. That's all right too. Er — how many in the family? 
 
 Em. Just my father and myself, now. Mother is in 
 
 Mag. (Rising.) Well, Oi guess that's too many. 
 
 Em. (Rising also.) Too many! Why, how many are you used to? 
 
 Mag. Foist, Oi worked for a bachelor, then lately Oi've been workin' for 
 an old lady and she died. 
 
 Em. Well, I don't think I can reduce the size of my family. Won't you 
 reconsider your answer? 
 
 Mag. No, I guess not. There's no use workin' any harder'n you have to. 
 
 Em. (Faltering.) I suppose if you've made up your mind — er — good- 
 bye. (Exit Maggie. Emestyn falls into a chair and begins to cry.) 
 Oh, dear, what can I do? There wasn't a decent one in the whole lot 
 (Enter Marie.) 
 
 Marie. A gentleman to see you, Miss. 
 
 Em. (Wiping eyes.) I can't see any gentleman, now. Wait, though, who 
 is he? 
 
 Marie. I don't know. He said he was after the job. 
 
 Em. What "job?" 
 
 Marie. (Stamping her foot.) Shall I let him in? 
 
 Em. (Wearily.) Oh, yes, you might as well. (Exit Marie.) I saw in the 
 paper the other night that men were working as general house work 
 girls, but I didn't think they would go as far as parlor maids and I 
 suppose that is what this individual is after. (Enter Marie and Alg. 
 Kleimcr, xvho has on false moustache. Exit Marie.) 
 
 Em. How do you do? 
 
 Alg. (Sitting.) Ah, thank you. Miss Devon Er — er I'd like the job, 
 don-cher-know? (He stares at her foolishly.) 
 
 Em. (Amazed.) You mean as parlor maid? 
 
 Alg. Why, ya-as. I guess so. 
 
 Em. Well, wait, have you had any experience? 
 
 Alg. My word, ya-as. I was butler in San Francisco and second girl 
 in — er — Honolulu. 
 
 Em. Did you bring any references? 
 
 Alg. Oh, ya-as, one from each of them. (Passes notes to Em.) 
 
 Em. (Reading.) This is to certify that John Meek (to Algie) that's 
 your name, I take it? 
 
14 <• HELP " 
 
 Alg. Er, ya-as. John Meek. {Em. continues reading. Alg. gazes around 
 
 room.) 
 Em. Why, how old are you? 
 Alg. {Coming to earth, promptly.) Twenty-two. 
 Em. But each of these former employers claim that you worked for 
 
 them five years. 
 Alg. Oh, well, you know Father died when I was twelve ; {Looks at her 
 
 mournfully) there were five younger children; mother very consump- 
 tive; had to get out and work. 
 Em. Oh, how pathetic. I never read better references, but they don't 
 
 quite say what you've been used to doing. 
 Alg. I can do anything and everything. Wash dishes, sweep and dust, 
 
 make beds 
 
 Em. Well, we'll change chamber work to waiting on the table and you 
 
 won't be required to do the dish-washing. You would have to answer 
 
 the door and call bells, too. As for time off, what do you expect? 
 Alg. Oh, I wouldn't go out often. Once a month, say. 
 Em. But how about church — don't you go to early mass? 
 Alg. No, do you? 
 Em. {Stiffening.) I meant, do you wish time off Sunday to go to 
 
 church ? 
 Alg. Oh ! why no, thank you. 
 Em. {Softening.) Very well. How much do you think you ought to 
 
 get for this position? 
 Alg. Well, it's worth $200 to me. 
 Em. Er — do — you — er — mean $200 a month? 
 
 Alg. My word, no! $200 a year — er {Calculating) $4 a week you know. 
 Em. Four dollars a week! you can't mean that. 
 Alg. {Looking alarmed.) Why, yes, unless it's too high. Of course out 
 
 in Honolulu 
 
 Em. Never mind Honolulu But You'll do all these things? 
 
 Alg. Oh, yes, and scrub floors, shine your shoes and {starting forzuard 
 
 slightly) er — manicure your nails. 
 Em. {Smiling and drazving her hands to side away from him.) Oh, I'm 
 
 not hiring a lady's maid. When can you come? 
 Alg. {Rising.) Then, you'll really take me? Er — yor see I've tried so 
 
 hard to get a job here in the East 
 
 Em. {Rising.) Will you come Saturday? 
 
 Alg. Saturday at five? 
 
 Em. Very good. Goodbye. I shall expect you Saturday. Marie will 
 
 show you out. {Exit.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 ACT 3. SCENE 2. 
 
 (Living-room in Emestyn Devor's home, one zveek later. Discovered: 
 Emestyn sitting in chair before fire-place at left. Lee leaning over 
 back of chair. Fire gives only light.) 
 
 Em, Don't you love an open fire? 
 
" HELP " 16 
 
 Lee. (Leaning over her.) If you'd only let me tell you what I love! 
 Em. {Cutting in quickly.) So cozy and cheerful, I sit here alone read- 
 ing a good many evenings. 
 Lee. (Mournfully.) And I sit alone in my room. (Puts his hand over 
 
 hers.) Think how much better it would be 
 
 Em. (Jumping from chair and going to r. front table in center.) If we 
 
 got up and exercised (Does a few Swedish arm movements.) By 
 
 the way, have you been to the gymnasium lately? 
 Lee. (Folloiving drearily.) No, I don't seem to care for it somehow. 
 
 (Edges around table and tries again to put his hand over hers. Em. 
 
 removes her hand just before his can touch it, retires back of table.) 
 Em. Oh, Lee, have — er — you — er — seen this latest book? 
 Lee. (Folloiving.) No, let's see it. (Reaches for it. Em. pushes it 
 
 toward him and retires behind chair, leaning on back.) 
 Lee. Oh, hang the book. (Throivs it on table and walks to chair.) 
 
 Ernestyn, you know what I — (puts his knee in chair and is just about 
 
 to capture her when the bell rings.) 
 Em. (Interrupting Lee.) Oh, there's the bell. Callers will be coming in 
 
 here. Let's go in the library (hurries out door at left. Lee following 
 
 quickly. Enter Alg., all dolled up with fancy cap, apron. Lord Fauntle- 
 
 roy collar and cuffs zvith Mrs. Kleimer at c.) 
 Alg. You come right in here. Madam, and I'll call Miss Devor. (Snaps 
 
 on light, looks at mother, gives gasp of horror, turns and starts for the 
 
 door.) 
 
 Mrs. K. Here's my card. (Holding \t out, looks at Alg., for the first 
 time.) My word! (Stares Alg. all over. Alg. wilts.) My soul. It's 
 Algie! 
 
 Alg. (In a very weak voice.) Ya-as, Mater. 
 
 Mrs. K. What are you doing here? What are those rags? What, 
 
 what (Sputters zvith rage.) What are you trying to make such a 
 
 fool of yourself for? What? Answer me! 
 Alf. (Choking.) Yes, Mater. 
 Mrs. K. Take oflF that false moustache before you say another word. 
 
 Oh, the disgrace. 
 Alg. Hush, Mater, you'll have everybody in the house in here. 
 Mrs. K. (Sternly.) Explain at once! 
 Alg. Well, didn't I bet you $200 I'd stay a week end here at Miss De- 
 
 vor's on her invitation? 
 Mrs. K. Yes, but why this make-up? 
 Alg. Well — er — I heard she wanted a maid. I applied for the job and 
 
 she asked me to come. 
 Mrs. K. A maid! 
 Alg. Ya-as, wait on the door and the table and that sort of thing, you 
 
 know. 
 Mrs. K. (Loudly.) tMgernon ¥i\t\mtr preaches for his ear) you come 
 
 right home with me. 
 
 Alg. (Dodging.) Ssh! Mater, just consider how near I am to Ernestyn. 
 
 I put on her rubbers and button her gloves. Oh, I tell you no one's 
 
 got the inside track on Algie ! 
 Mrs. K. (Suddenly enlightened.) So that's the game, is it? 
 
16 "HELP" 
 
 Alg. It sure is, and believe me, little Algie is a winner ! 
 
 Mrs. K. {Beaming.) Oh, have matters gone so far? 
 
 Alg. (Smiling.) Shall I call her? 
 
 Mrs. K. Yes, indeed. (Exit Algie.) He takes after his mother so. 
 
 (Sits.) (Enter Ernestyn quietly at back.) 
 Em. How do you do, Mrs. Kleimer ! 
 Mrs. K. (Turning gradually with ingratiating manner.) Ah, Miss De- 
 
 vor — er — Mary! Why, who are you, Mary or Miss Devor? 
 Em. Well, I guess I'm both. I just played maid. 
 Mrs. K. (An.riously.) Er — I— hope that you realize that I didn't know 
 
 who you were when I was so brusque. Indeed if — I — well 
 
 Ern. Oh, yes indeed, that's all right. You see (becoming confused) I 
 
 just wanted — to get — acquainted with 
 
 Mrs. K. (Starting forivard.) Why that's just like Algie. You dear 
 
 girl 
 
 Ern. (Stepping back.) And who is "Algie?" 
 
 Mrs. K. "Who is Algie?" Ah, don't try to fool me. I know all about 
 
 the game. 
 Ern. The game! 
 
 Mrs. K. It is all so clever! Won't you call in your — "maid?" 
 Em. If it will help to explain this matter. (Rings. Enter John, or Algie, 
 
 with noticeable speed.) 
 
 Mrs. K. Algie, dear, co 
 
 Ern. (Shrieks.) "Algie!" Is he your 
 
 Mrs. K. (Proudly.) My son, Algernon T. Kleimer, Jr. 
 Ern. Ugh ! 
 
 Mrs. K. (Not hearing.) Now, Algie, (low) have you said anything to 
 her yet? 
 
 Alg. (Shakes his head.) Ssh ! No, Mater. 
 
 Mrs. K. Well, do so now. (Aloud.) Now, Mi^s Devor. Algie has some- 
 thing to say to you. (Gives Alg. gentle push towards Ern. and turns 
 her back, gazing at picture on zvall at r.) 
 
 Ern. (Amused.) Yes? 
 
 Alg. Why, why — I, will you — I mean (looks helplessly at his mother, 
 who pays no attention). Miss Devor, when I came here it was be- 
 cause — it was with the intention of — I mean (looks again at mother, 
 zvho turns and motions him to go on.) I mean that is— Oh, hang it! 
 Will you marry me? 
 
 Lee. (Flinging open door from library I.) ^'hatd 
 
 Ern. What ! 
 
 Mrs. K. Oh ! Oh ! (Algie stands looking half -defiantly, half hopefully 
 at Ern.) 
 
 Ern. (Beckoning to Lee. who comes and takes her hand.) I am already 
 engaged. (Mrs. K. sinks into chair.) Allow me to introduce to you my 
 fiance, Mr. Lee Clarendon. 
 
 Alg. Oh! Hel-pp! 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 13-10-19 49 —IM 
 
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