\j THE 
 
 
 E 
 
 NCHANTED 
 
 IST.E^ 
 
 
 A Burlesque Extravaganza, in Thr 
 
 ee Acts, 
 
 
 —BY— 
 
 
 
 FKANK TBIPLETT, 
 
 
 ST. LOUIS, MO. 
 
 
 1 
 \ 
 
 1 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S79, by 
 
 
 FRANK TRIPLETT, 
 
 
 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 
 
 
 SAINT LOUIS: 
 
 
 
 TIMES PRINTING HOUSE, FIFTH AND CHESTNUT STS, | | 
 
 
 1879. 
 
 
T 13: IB 
 
 Enchanted Isle 
 
 A Burlesque Extravaganza, in Three Acts, 
 
 -BY- 
 
 / 
 
 FRANK TRIPLETT, 
 
 ST. LOUIS, MO. 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by 
 
 FRANK TRIPLETT, 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 
 
 'i ._ . ,..-;.'V -^ 
 
 SAINT LOUIS : 
 
 TIMES PRINTING HOUSE, FIFTH AND CHESTNUT STS. 
 
 1879. 
 
 Or- 
 
tS43^ 
 
 \ ex ^ 
 
 T H IB 
 
 T?^ 
 
 ENCHANTED ISLE 
 
 A BURLESQUE EXTRAVAGANZA. 
 
 PRAMATIS j^ERSON^E. 
 
 MALE. 
 
 Alberto^ a Mortal Prince, slightly slangy, devoted to Bacchus and 
 
 Julietta. 
 G-onsalvo, a bird of the same feather, and prime favorite of Alberto. 
 Orlando, a Philosopher of the John Oakhurst School; willing to 
 
 take chances. 
 Ludovico, devoted to " Women, Wine " and " the Papes." 
 Alphonso, the " Noblest Rum'un of them all." 
 Fritz Van Vonderhlinkenstoffenheisen, devoted to Beer, Ducats, Etc. 
 
 FEMALE. 
 
 Julietta., a Fairy Princess, devoted to dress, Alberto, and other follies. 
 Casandra, "] 
 
 Ninetta ' <" ^^^ Maids of Honor, devoted to themselves. 
 Bahette., J 
 
 'ABF AND 'ARE. 
 
 Barbarella, a strong minded Fairy, devoted to pure cussedness, and 
 to taking care of " number One." 
 
T EC ^E 
 
 ENCHANTED ISLE 
 
 ACT I . 
 
 Scene 1st — A Council Chamber; Interior of Beer Saloon, with 
 placards: "No Tick Here," "trust is Dead," Etc.; Tables, 
 Chairs, Glasses, Etc.; Curtain rises on Alb. yawning and 
 stretching; Gon. lying with head and arms on table, asleep. 
 
 AW. — This is the very witching hour of night. 
 
 Which finds us bummers in a pretty plight, [feels pockets] 
 
 No ducats here [glances at walls] ;" and there! I see " no trust : " 
 
 What shall I do? Ah! now I see, I must 
 
 Make virtue of necessity and take 
 
 Cold w^ater straight, my burning tliirst to slake : 
 
 "The writ" commands to "take the stranger in," 
 
 Though I had rather lodge a " whiskey skin." 
 
 •Tis true 'tis thin, and pity 'tis, 'tis true, 
 
 But if one must, why! what else can he do? 
 
 For washing clothes and f^teamboat navigation. 
 
 It knocks the socks off all things in creation. 
 
 But for the purpose of a steady drink, [stands horrified] 
 
 Forbid ye gods! of that I will not think; — 
 
 No, better bear the ills we have, than dream 
 
 Of what may come, while lloating down life's stream. 
 
 But wake, Gonsalvo ! List to what I say : 
 
 The sun's now breaking on another dav. [strikes the table] 
 Gon. — [Yawning, etc.] Well, let him break ! and wherefore should I care 
 
 If he does break? I've got no money there, 
 
 Nor here, nor elsewhere, not a sous markee; 
 
 So I will nap, instead of nip; d'ey see? [lies- on table again] 
 Alb. — Is this Gonsalvo, "bravest of the brave," 
 
 Who whines for sleep like some base recreant slave? 
 
 Is this the man who counseled war last night, 
 
 And now lies sleeping here to shirk the fight? [pauses] 
 
 But let me think! I'll whisper in his ear: [bends down to Gon.] 
 
 "Cocktails for two!' Gonsalvo. dost thou hear? [Gon. rises and 
 yawns] 
 
^o?i.~[Sadly] It was the idle mockery of a dream, 
 
 Whose music, sweet as softly flowing stream, 
 
 Did mm*mur in mine ear like maiden's sigh ; 
 
 I wake, 'tis gone, [pathetically] Alas! I'm very dry. 
 Alb. — Come, to thy grumbling let me put an end ! 
 
 Am I upon a bed of roses friend ? [strikes table] 
 
 Enter Van F.,a Dutchman 
 
 Barkeep', two cocktails. It is growing late. [Clock strikes 1 — they 
 drink and set down glasses wiping mouths] 
 
 And now, just mark these two upon the slate. 
 Van V. — Mine schla-a-te, mine schla-a-te, och, donnerwetter Gott! 
 
 Don'd I vas dold you vouce dot I don'd got 
 
 Some schla-a-te? So sure as efer I vas born, 
 
 Dem drinks vos losht, und dot zwei bitts vos gone. [Exit] 
 Alb. — We played Vanderblinkenstoffenheisen neat. 
 Gon. — We did, indeed, give him a healthy beat. 
 Alb.— But to this business of our latest guest, 
 
 " When done, 'twere well it were done quickly, lest" 
 ' Old Barbarella see our blind— go better — 
 
 Which wouldn't pay — in fact, we mustn't let her. 
 
 For her black art's exceedingly potential, 
 
 And might work us some damage consequential. 
 
 Though I but once her lovely niece have seen, 
 
 I swore she should be bold Alberto's queen. 
 
 And this, in spite of that old she three-decker, 
 
 Whose revenue shall fill our light exchequer; 
 
 And hence the reason for our hasty arming. 
 
 To-morrow's morn must find our forces swarming 
 
 Over the Isle, and then ! The victory ours ; [proudly] 
 
 We'll treat, perchance, \vith the dethroned powers. 
 Gon. — Well said, my lord! Where France most needs a life 
 
 Place me "amidst the thickest of the strife. 
 
 And should I fall, say to old Fritzy here, 
 
 My last cry was : " Deitchei! bring zwei beer." 
 Alb. — Well, well, dispatch! Call in my trusty band — 
 
 [Aside] Though if I'd tivist 'em further than this hand, 
 
 Might cast a bovine of the sterner sex. 
 
 May Bacchus this strong arm and brain perplex! 
 
 For my bold buffers are as hard a crew 
 
 As Bondolph, Pym or Falstaff ever knew— \ 
 
 But call them in, 'tis time they came, methinks! [Draws huge 
 watch] 
 
 Horse, foot, dragoons and co7'ps of Captain Jinks, [orchestra plays 
 "Capt-. Jinks" slowly, while Gon. staggers out singing] 
 Gon. — " With wings as swift, as thoughts of love I fly," 
 
 Should I return, I"ll be here by-and-by. [orchestra plays '- Sweet 
 Bye-and-Bye"] 
 Alb. — [Moodily] Now is he gone, and I am left alone: 
 
 A spoonier chap I'm sure was never known, 
 
 (Except, perhaps old Massachuetts Ben, by all admitted spoon- 
 iest of men) . 
 
 Oh! Julie, Julie! thus I ever c?y. 
 
 And semi-occasionally " a little rye." 
 
 Did you but know. Oh dearest! how I suffer. 
 
 On my despair I'm sure you'd put a snuffer; 
 
For thee I weep, for thee most sad I sigh. 
 
 For thee the brand of war ['11 raist on high, 
 
 For thee IM quaff unnumbered goblets dry, 
 
 For thee, unlii<e G. W., I would lie, 
 
 In fact I'd do [hesitatingly] most anything but die— 
 
 For when we're dead, and off this coil have shuttled , 
 
 Our pathway may, like woman's ruff's, be rutifled— fstands and 
 
 looks off] 
 But here they come — welcome brave comrades all. 
 Why you look sober as a waterfall. 
 
 Enter OH. Gon. Lud. and Alph. to "Kogue's March;" one 
 with eye bound up, one with arm in sling, one limp- 
 ing, etc., all ludicrously ai-med and dressed. 
 
 If you're as law 'directs, armed and equipped, 
 
 I'm sure old Barbarilla will be whipped. 
 Gon.— Most noble lord, we are indeed well heeled, 
 
 The island surely will be "aus-ge-spieled." 
 Lud. — As you can see we hold four aces, [each draws a cheese 
 knife,] and [each grasping Alb.^ 
 
 One king, which is, indeed, a rattling hand. 
 Orl. — If we don't make that old cat wipe her specs. 
 
 We'd better quit and then hand in our checks. 
 Alph. — Well said, brave comrades all — hip-hip hurrah, [all shout] 
 
 And now who's for a quiet game of draw? [pulls out a deck of 
 cards and shulffes them ; none speak] 
 
 You do not speak. I pause for a reply ! 
 
 Bret Harte, John Hay, Jim Bludsoe, and Bill Nye 
 
 Have lived in vain, if in j^our bosom seats 
 
 There is no love of sport, you vile, dead beats! 
 Gon. — Hold Grambolier! here I pronounce you lie— 
 
 G-amesome I am. [draws a pistol] ] 
 
 Orl. — I'm chief, [draws a pistol] ! 
 
 Liid. — And I. [draws a pistol] | Flourish of trumpets. 
 
 Alph. — And I. [drawls huge cheese knife] J 
 Alb. — [[nterfering] Peace fools, put up your barkers, quick I say: 
 
 If you must to fight, come on, I'll lead the way! 
 
 Now Barbarella, cruel fairy, quake — 
 
 In this, our game, the King the Queen must take, 
 
 Though you may scream, and even crj'^ and pout, 
 
 'Tis time you learned the game of '\several out." [orchestra plays 
 "Little Maud" softly. Alb. rolls up sleeves and struts about 
 a la bully] 
 Alb. — [Aside] Yet I Avould like to make my heart beat quicker, 
 
 A smile of Cincinnati's fighting liquor. 
 
 But up and at 'em boys, that is our motto. 
 
 If we don't keno, I'll always think we'd ought to — [Exit to 
 Gideon's Band, Alb. calling out left, left, left, etc. After all 
 are out, Julietta appears from behind door ; flourish trum- 
 pets softly] . 
 Jul. — 'Tis said goodnew^s eavesdroppers never hear. 
 
 That good old maxim's out of date I fear; 
 
 Albert, you love me, this much listening shows. 
 
 Your heart all mine, as mine is solely yours! 
 
 Throughout the tide of swiftly flowing years. 
 
 My heart shall greet this day with silent tears, 
 
 But not of sadness joy shall claim them all, 
 
So pure, so bright, they stain not where they fall, [wipes eyes] 
 
 Carrol ye birds, and let the bells loud ring, 
 
 lam so happy I must die, or sing, [a song] 
 
 And now for fear some mortal might this way 
 
 Blunder by chance, I will no longer stay, [starts out] 
 
 But [hesitating] 'ere I go let's see what I must do, 
 
 And sure the prospect's getting rather blue, [studies] 
 
 Alberto's buffers, [puts up her hands and boxes] ah, you naughty 
 fellow ! 
 
 Will sack Belle Isle and slay Aunt Barbarella, 
 
 This must not be, for though she's sometimes cruel, 
 
 I hardly think she wishes e'er to do ill, 
 
 Nor shall she harm Alberto, 'round his form 
 
 I'll cast my spells to keep him from all harm, [exit; soft music] 
 jBar&.— [Looking from beneath table, then crawls out dressed as 
 strong-minded woman with mustache on lip, etc.] 
 
 "Must this line stretch out till the crack of doom?" 
 
 Well, let her stretch, I'm sure there's lots of room ! 
 
 Now to my mind the fact is very clear : 
 
 ^'Eavesdroppers of themselves no good can hear," 
 
 But now I know Alberto's "little game," 
 
 I'll bet a boss that I'll checkmate that same; — 
 
 You'll slay old Barb, and walk off with her plunder? 
 
 Wake snakes and walk your 'tarnal chalks, by thunder! 
 
 If with your life and good sound limbs you walk. 
 
 You'll do quite well my gushing hollyhawk! 
 
 But let my incantation now begin. 
 
 And work destruction to this child of sin. [thunder and light- 
 ning while she takes from her reticule articles one by one and 
 places in pots] 
 
 By Grant's cigar and whisky burdened breath. 
 
 By Judas' sin and cursed death, 
 
 By this spoon stolen at New Orleans, [holds up huge spoon] 
 
 By Conklin's curls, by Pomeroy's beans, 
 
 By Colfax's honesty, you see its size! [holding up a bean] 
 
 By Pinchback's purity, by Butler's eyes, 
 
 By Johnson's goose, (by this time quite well cooked !) 
 
 By all their souls securely booked, 
 
 To Hades dark, to Hades drear, 
 
 I ask that those so lately here [pours in alcohol and lights it] 
 
 Shall fall beneath my potent spell! [looks in pot] 
 
 'Tis granted, ah, 'tis well, 'tis well! [Devil appears and waltzes 
 off with her ; curtain falls.] 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Scene 1st.— A Wood and River; J'«h'e«a concealed singing; entei Alb. 
 looking around to discover singer. 
 
 ^^5. — These surely are no mortal sounds I hear. 
 So loud, so faint, so far and yet so near, 
 A cadenced sweetness pulsing through the air,. 
 As though a choir of Heaven's own angels fair 
 Had poured their sweetness in a liquid flood 
 
Through every arch and echo of the wood. 
 
 Could I but tiiid this maid, whose silvery tonoue 
 
 This sweetest strain ears ever heard has sung. 
 
 Quick at her feet, I'd lay my life, mj^ heart, 
 
 And beg her love, or death's all healing dart, [skifi' tloating down 
 the river; discovers J?iL, and stops at landing — bears sign: 
 " This steamer for Lower Mississippi "] 
 
 Oh sweetest sight! [aside] mj^ nerves all in a quiver. 
 
 Tell me, ah-ah-ah the name of this broad river? 
 Jul. — This stream, fair sir, is what the mortals call 
 
 The loudly flowing, broad gauge, Erie Canawl. 
 Alb. — Most beauteous maid, that on your steamer rest, 
 
 As a-a-a mortgage on fair Chicago's cr^ st. 
 
 Tell me— oh tell I [aside] how hard my heart now knocks, 
 
 Th-th-th last quotations out on U. P. stocks'? 
 Jul. — Most noble sir! I'm sure you are no scorner 
 
 And stocks I've never learned to quote or corner^ 
 
 I'm but a poor young maid, I've lost my way. 
 
 And if you could direct me, sir! I pray 
 
 That you will do so — from the Enchanted Isle. 
 
 This boat has borne me but a little while. 
 
 And so I'm sure it can't be very far. 
 
 If you will stop it, I'll take the next street car. 
 
 My name is Juliet, Barbarella's ni< ce! 
 
 [Aside] I'm sure cjuiet well I've spoke my little piece. 
 Alb. — Juliet art thou? [puts on glasses] Indeed 'tis very true! 
 
 Juliet, dear one, ''My heart is filled with you. 
 
 And has been since the earliest of my days," 
 
 As Claude Melnotte, or Berry Mitchell says. 
 
 When first I saw thee 'mid the flowers perfume, 
 
 Up went my heart and then I knew my doom, 
 
 Then did I dream how maidens sprung from Kings, 
 
 Had married grays, and all that sort of things. 
 
 It raised my spunk, mj^ love I here declare, 
 
 If you wall have me, tell me when and where! 
 Jul.— I hang upon the honey of thy lips. 
 
 As the wild bee the festive sunflower sips. 
 
 And if I love too fondly, tell me who, 
 
 Like your own Juliet, w^ould't be "true blue — " 
 
 But look the sun is sinking in the sea, 
 
 I sadly fear I shall be late to tea. 
 
 I'll call my maids [claps hands] and I must hence depart. 
 
 My body goes, but you dear, [taps him with fan] hold my heart. 
 
 Enter Maids and Alberto's men flirting. They stand 
 apart. Alb. holding Juliet's hand, looks out left. 
 
 Alb.— But see! who comes, 'tis some outlandish fellow— [puts on 
 
 glasses. 
 Jul. — It is— no — yes it is Aunt Barbarella. 
 
 Enter Barb, flourishing umbrella — harsh flourish 
 trumpets from orchestra. 
 
 Barb. — What mortal he dares thus pollute the air. 
 And holds converse with Julietta there. 
 
T[To Alb.} Have we no rights that men must recognize? 
 
 iSpeak, knave! or else I'll jab out both your eyes, [flourisbhig um- 
 brella] 
 Alb. — Alberto am I called, of noble race, 
 
 A rattler from the nobs, in form and face 
 
 A man, aye every inch am I a man. 
 
 Well versed in courts, [aside] Police— and the can -can, 
 
 Of royal lineage and sang azul, 
 
 A true offshoot of hale old Johnny Bull. 
 Earb. — In pre-historic ages nature hurled 
 
 A noble nature on this sin cuised world 
 
 To rescue woman from her servile state, — 
 
 Hold on a second, just one moment wait, [turns and spits] 
 
 She sported with the saurian in his mire. 
 
 Swam o'er Vesuvius e'er he gained his lire. 
 
 Tramped with the Mammoth o'er the frigid zone, 
 
 In short, the greatest creature ever known — 
 
 -Staunton her name, prefix Elizabeth Cady, 
 
 Say, festive vouth, [punching him in side] have you ever met the 
 lady? 
 Alb. — I've not the honor, though I'd like to meet 
 
 This great antiquity — 'twould be a treat, 
 
 A treat indeed, or else I am a dummy, 
 
 To see one who had nursed Belzoni's mummy; — 
 
 If you've the entree, 'twon't require urging — 
 -Sart'.— [Savagely] Don't poke no fun at this'here vestal virgin. 
 Alb. — Poke fun, indeed, who'd jest at this old ruin? 
 ■Jnl — [Pulling Alb.'] Be still, Alberto, there is trouble brewing. Alb.] 
 
 kisses her J. 
 Barb. — [to Jul.] Come here, you minx! and let that fellow be — 
 
 Why don't you try and cop}^ after me? 
 
 Be strong of mind I — 
 Alb — And strong of stomach, too. 
 
 That man would be, who'd try thus to kiss you, [kisses Jtil. 
 again] . 
 Barb. — What do you say, you mean and sneakin' knave? 
 
 1*^0 doubt you think you are very brave 
 
 Thus to insult a poor, defenceless thing, [^cries] 
 
 Whose par and nvar can now no succor bring. 
 
 Come, [to Jul.] let us have this hateful, rude upstart 
 
 In virtuous indignation, hence depart! [drags off Jul. followed 
 by maids, Jul. and Alb. kissing hands to each other]. 
 Alb. — That's cool— but all is fair in war and love. 
 
 And here, T swear, oh hear, ye Powers above! [to gallery]. 
 
 That I will neither rest, nor food partake — 
 
 [Aside] But some mild cocktail my thirst to slake, [pulls bottle — 
 drinks; others follow suit saying: "here's at you," etc.] 
 
 'Till on this breast my Juliet shall lie; 
 
 Record my vow ye Heavenly host on High ! [curtain down]. 
 
ACT III. 
 
 Scene 1st — A Wood; enter Alb. and his troops marching — all armed. 
 
 Alb. — Halt here, my comrades for a little while, 
 
 At last we've landed on this lovely isle. 
 
 Despite the fearful storms that ever wait 
 
 On those bold souls who dare to navigate 
 
 These broad canals — now rest we here awhile. 
 
 And with some sport the weary hours beguile — 
 
 What shall it be? 
 Or?.— "Euchre." 
 Lud. — Or how's "all four?" 
 Alj^h. — Or else a little game of "Dom Pedro." 
 xilb. — Neither — to-night mj^ soul longs not for these — 
 
 Some other sport must my sad fancy please, 
 
 Caus't thou not think, Gonsalvo what to do? 
 Gon. — Nothing, unless to take a nip or two — 
 Alb. — Nip nothing! to-night I am noc spiritueUe., 
 
 But let me think — ah, now I have it — well. 
 
 With song and beauty let our rest be spent — 
 
 [To Orl.'] Call in the daughter of the regiment! 
 0>'?.— [Goes to the left and calls.] Come hither, maiden beauteous as 
 the spring, 
 
 Deal out four cocktails and a brandy sling. 
 
 Enter Van Vonderblinkenstoffenheisen, dressed as Vivandiere, 
 with beer keg on back. 
 
 Van V. — [Coquettishly] Yell here 1 vos, you pummers, vod's de 
 matter? 
 
 You vellers keebs up sooch a lot of shatter. 
 
 You dalks so mooch, shust like a trofe of grows, 
 
 Now dold me sonnies don'd you fit your clothes? 
 Alb. — Come, gentle maiden, don't be poking fun, 
 Va7i F.— [Pointing to Alb.'] Now ain't he pretty, dot gun of a son? 
 
 I most could kiss him for his mudder of law. 
 Alb. — Come, come, Katrina, gentle maiden, pshaw! 
 
 Let up that blarney and give us .a song. 
 
 Gentle and sad, and hark you! not too long! [Dutch song and 
 wooden shoe dance by Van F.] 
 Alb. — And now, brave comrades all, away, away! 
 
 Then up and at 'em, by the break of day. [exeunt omnes] 
 
 Scene 2d. — Scene now shifts, disclosing a camp deeper in the wood ; 
 Alb. seated apart; the rest gaming and drinking. 
 
 Gon. — "Hoss and — " the game is standing four and four, 
 
 We've got 'em dead, if Jack ain't in the door, [they play] 
 
 What, trump my ace — why you insipid fool! 
 Oi'l. — Go slow, rash youth! and keep your temper cool, 
 
 My hand, d'ye see! ain't nothin' else but trumps — 
 Lud. — [Playing] If that ain't low, this hoss has got the thumps. 
 Alph.—[Afiide] Oh! for one hour of heathen Chinee's sleeve, 
 
 And I ! with all these suckers, scads would leave. 
 
— 10 — 
 
 Orl. — Well, high and game is not so very bad! 
 Gon. — We'd had low, too! I'm bettin' high we had. 
 
 But trump my ace, you pigeon livered pullet! 
 Orl.— It riles you, pard! Well, stick that in your gullet! [stabs Gon.., 
 
 who dies sadly] 
 Lud. — You've l^illed my friend! Tal^e that, infernal buffer! [stabs 
 
 Orl.., who dies slowly] 
 Aiph. — And you, take that! you old third-rate watch stuflfer! [stabs 
 
 Lud.., who dies pathetically] 
 None left! Like Alexander, I do sigh 
 For other worlds ; farewell you earth and sky! 
 Kemorse does sting me! I am growing frantic ! 
 Oh! for the Graphic to cross the Atlantic ! 
 No Graphic comes! so I must hence vamoose, 
 But first, I'll cut from all things earthly loose, [takes a dozen 
 
 packs of cards out of sleeve] 
 This was the noblest rum'un of them all, 
 Let me select a soft place for my fall, [pats ground] 
 And now, bright world, adieu! adieu! ye ti'ees! 
 Adieu! Oh, lager beer and Limburg cheese! 
 Adieu! B. Butler, with your silver spoons! 
 Adieu! ye Congressmen and happy coons! 
 Who've got your fingers in the public purse, 
 Adieu ! But sure my throat is getting worse ! [draws bottle] 
 Oh ! you companion of my happier days ! [pats bottle] 
 My love first, last, now, henceforth and always ! [drinks empty 
 
 and wipes lips] 
 I fear my speech was getting rather dry, 
 And so I'll quietly lay me down and die. [saws with knife under 
 
 arm and dies] 
 Barb. — [Looking in] My potent spell has quite o'ercomethelot; [sees 
 
 Alb., and starts] 
 No! there's Alberto! Damn me if he's not! 
 What is the reason I can't him undo? 
 He somewhere surely carries a horseshoe ! [draws circle on ground, 
 
 while she does Alb. raises] 
 But I've deadwood on you, my healthy beat! 
 As sure as you ai-e sitting on that seat, [looks and starts] 
 Some stronger powers with greater charms imbue him. 
 So I've no chance, I see now, to vou-doo him. [exit] 
 ^/6.— [Walking forward] How calm, how still, all nature hushed in 
 
 sleep ! 
 Save in the East when day begins to peep, [cock crows] 
 So says that cock's tail, borne upon the wind. 
 Thank Heaven! I've cocktail of another kind, [pulls bottle and 
 
 drinks] 
 And now, brave comrades, open up your peepers! 
 Why! thy sleep sounder than the seven sleepers! 
 And yet they are but four. Wake, wake, I say ! 
 Did you not hear the cock proclaim the day? [kicks them] 
 Awake, arise, or be forever fallen! 
 
 Don't keep a fellow thus forever bawling! [sees they are dead] 
 [Sadly] Dead! dead! How dare his rude hand thus to sever 
 Their chords of life? Oh! beautiful as ever! 
 My comrades bold ! I'm in an awful pickle ! 
 Could death find now^here else to run his sickle? 
 
— 11 — 
 
 'Twas hardly fair with his final divorces, 
 
 At one fell swoop, to cut off all my forces; 
 
 But I'll erect their monumental stone, 
 
 Hand in my checks, for I can't go alone ! [puts up tablet : " Sacred 
 
 to memory of American Men of War] 
 And now, I'll not outlive my gallant band I [draws sword to stab 
 
 himself. 
 
 Enter Jul. 
 
 JiiL— Hold! Albert dear, thy rash misguided hand! 
 
 How could you leave your own, dear Juliet 
 
 And tbis bright world? You'd scarcely find a better! — 
 
 But I am cold; these early morning breezes 
 
 Creep through my blood— in fact, it almost freezes. 
 Alh — " Let me thus mantle thee? [wi-aps her in his cloak] It is not 
 
 cold!" 
 Jul. — •' Never, beneath thy smile! — " don't think me bold! [hides 
 face and sways from side to side] 
 
 But why so pensive? Tell thy Juliet dear? 
 
 Cans't thou not smile when she is with thee here? 
 Alh. — " Thine eyes in deserts would call up a smile!" 
 
 If that same desert wasn't on this damned isle! [points to dead] 
 
 "■ Eyes look your last! Arms take your last embrace!" 
 Jul. — [Finger in month] I'm most afraid that would be out of place; 
 
 To steal upon such innocence asleep. 
 Alh. — Nay! you may steal; they'll all the secret keep! — 
 
 Why! Tilton's Bessie Turner slept no sounder 
 
 Than slumbers now my every gallant rounder;— 
 
 Not one now lives of all my mighty land. 
 
 Which filled, like Egypt's loiu cusses, the band : 
 
 All! all are gone! [sobbing] of life each form deplete is, — 
 
 I fear the cause was cerebro meningitis — 
 
 No power could save— Hypocrates, nor Hermes 
 
 Nor Doc McLean with gifted power o'er vermes. 
 
 Cut ofli" in sin — no doctor, nurse, nor preacher — 
 
 If they'd but had the pure and saintly Beecher — [weeps] 
 JwL— Nay! do not weep! 
 Alh.— And pray! why shan't I bawl? 
 
 Bottled on this island by the Dutch Gap Canawl! 
 
 An easy prey I'll fall to Barbarella 
 
 When she swoops down with broomstick and umbrella : — 
 
 I want to go home, and that's just what's the matter, 
 
 Lor' how my teeth and knees begin to chatter! 
 Jul. — Nay, do not fear, your Juliet will defend you! 
 Alh. — Why, that old gal like any reed, would bent you! 
 J?«?.— Not so, when all your comrades fell like sheep 
 
 You were preserved, for I watched o'er your sleep. 
 Alh. — And you preserved me? [kisses her] well I'm greatl}^ tickled 
 
 That you 2:>reserved, while Barbarella j^icA'Zed, [points to dead — 
 flourish trumpets] 
 £arh. — I've got jou now, you vile galoot, you slave! [points to 
 
 But here she comes Oh your Alberto save! --[Gets behind her 
 as Barb, enters] 
 placard: "No tresspassers, etc.,"] 
 
 This isle is posted, you're caught in flagrante, 
 
 Off with his head, and you, [to JuL'] come to your aunty I 
 
— 12 — 
 
 Jul.— Nay aunty dear, you will not hurt my pet. [Alh, drops on knees 
 
 behind JwL] 
 Barb. — I won't, won't I? Well you had better bet 
 He has not now of life another minute, 
 ''If you have tears to shed, you'd best begin it." 
 .Jul. — Has not? We'll see, [strikes attitude a la Kichelieu] around 
 that form £ fling 
 The holy circle of the whisky ring, [fingers to nose] 
 How's that old girl? touch him you see you can't. 
 Backed as we are by Babcock, "Sylph" and Grant. 
 Touch but one haii, and on your head, d'ye see? 
 I launch the curse of holy BillMcKee. [Barb, darts around ring; 
 Alb. kneeling downcast; Jul. standing triumphant.] 
 Bai'b.— Weill must git, I see it ain't no use, ■ 
 
 So I'll cut stick — in other words vamoose. 
 .Jul. — Nay, stay, dear aunt! [chucks her under chin] and give con- 
 sent, that's nice. 
 That your own Juliet and Alberto splice. 
 Barb. — May I be dam-aged if I ever do!— 
 Jul.— Oh, yes you will, my sweet, dear aunt, won't you? [Barb. 
 
 smiles, spits on hands and smooths her hair] 
 Barb. — Well do not flatter — yes — no— yes I will, 
 
 Come here Alberto and Juliet, do stand still! [Juliet beckons 
 
 Alb.] 
 Here, join your hands— give me my old bandanna, [draws small 
 
 tablecloth] 
 If you e'er need divorce, in Indiana 
 They keep 'em cheap and always ready, 
 
 Of every size and style to suit the trade, [breaks down weeping] 
 Jul. — Aunt, one more boon yonr niece, Alberto's wife 
 
 Would crave, restore those men' of war to life? 
 Barb. — Tis done. Their souls from Hades I will snatch — 
 [To men] Git off" that grass, or you your death will catch, 
 And sonnies! see how quick I sopped your gravy, 
 I'm worse than Kobeson to kill a navy— [they rise stretching a la 
 Kip Van Winkle and begin quarreling, "You trumped my 
 ace," etc., etc. ; see girls, and cross over to them] 
 And now all's happy, thus our drama ends, 
 JPut out the lights and you git out, my friends. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
LIBRPRY OF CONGRESS 
 
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