PS 635 
 .Z9 
 B3482 
 Copy 1 
 
 « w S 
 
 8^s 
 
 s 1^ c 
 a>:5 
 
 
 
 cs « a 
 
 03 CO S 
 
 »^ js ». 
 
 tt) o - 
 
 ohoa 
 
 So 
 
 S2- 
 
 f 
 
 OUR CATALOGUE FREE TO ANY OXE. ^^^ 
 
 AMES' SERIES OF 
 
 iiANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA. 
 NO. 154. 
 
 A 
 
 FUN IN 
 
 POST OFFICE. 
 
 WITH CAST OP CHARACTERS, KNTRAVCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS 
 OP THE PERFORMERS ON THB; STAGE, DESCRIPTION OP COS- 
 TUMES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, 
 CAREFULLY MARKED FROM THE 
 MOST APPROVED ACT- 
 ING COPY. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
 ' CLYDE, OHIO: 
 A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 
 
 ^^^< 
 
 ^^^o 
 
 [3 
 
 ^3 - 
 3 B 2 
 
 i 
 
 ^ ^ ^ 5" 
 
 m 
 
 a ~ ^ 
 
 I »?^2 
 
 ic2 
 
 O O t* 
 
 2 o 
 
 Hints to Amateurs.— Now ready. A book of useful and practical mformation 
 for amateurs, in which all manner of (iuosti<ins ix^rtaininj.'- to sta^'o Avork and effects 
 are jdainly answered. Price 15 cents. 
 
Ames' Edition of Plays, 
 
 FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED. 
 
 NO. 
 
 129 
 132 
 
 12 
 30 
 2 
 
 75 
 
 80 
 
 136 
 
 39 
 
 124 
 
 78 
 
 "Id 
 65 
 31 
 21 
 43 
 
 123 
 73 
 20 
 
 125 
 
 100 
 
 89 
 
 8 
 
 98 
 
 113 
 86 
 14 
 22 
 84 
 
 145 
 49 
 72 
 19 
 42 
 60 
 
 !52 
 
 143 
 
 148 
 
 173 
 27 
 
 154 
 13 
 
 117 
 24 
 66 
 
 116 
 52 
 
 141 
 17 
 
 130 
 76 
 
 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 1 
 
 A.ctor and Servant , 2 
 
 A Capital Match 3 2 
 
 A Dav Well Spent 7 5 
 
 A Desperate Game 3 2 
 
 Adrift 6 4 
 
 Alarmingly Suspicious ... 4 3 
 
 A Legal Holiday 5 3 
 
 A Life's Revenge 7 5 
 
 An Afflicted Fiuuily 7 5 
 
 Au Awful Criminal 3 3 
 
 An Unhappy Pair : 1 1 
 
 An Unwelcome Return... 3 1 
 
 A Pet of the Public 4 2 
 
 A Romantic Attachment.. 3 3 
 
 Arrah de Baugh 7 5 
 
 A Thrilling Item 3 1 
 
 At Last 7 1 
 
 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 
 
 Auld Robin Gray 25c 13 3 
 
 x\uroraFloyd 7 3 
 
 Beautv of Lyons. H 2 
 
 Better Half 5 2 
 
 Black Statue 3 2 
 
 Bill Detrick 6 4 
 
 Black vs White 4 2 
 
 Brigands of Calabria 6 1 
 
 Captain Smith 3 3 
 
 Cheek Will Win 3 
 
 Cufl's Luck 2 1 
 
 Der Two Surprises 1 1 
 
 Deuce is in Him 5 I 
 
 Did I Dream it 4 3 
 
 Domestic Felicity 1 I 
 
 Driven to the Wall 10 3 
 
 Driven from Home 7 4 
 
 Emigrant's Daughter 8 3 
 
 Eh? What Did You Say.. 3 1 
 
 East Lynne 7 6 
 
 Fetter Lane toGrnvesend.. 2 
 
 Fun in a Post Office 4 2 
 
 Give Me My Wife 3 3 
 
 Hal Hazard, 25c 8 3 
 
 Handy Andy 2 
 
 Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 1 
 
 Hash 4 2 
 
 Henry Granden , II 8 
 
 Hidden Treasures 4 2 
 
 Hints on Elocution .... 
 
 Hints to Amateurs 
 
 How He Did It 3 2 
 
 NO. M. F. 
 
 153 Haunted House 2 
 
 103 How Sister Paxey got Her 
 
 Child Baptized 2 1 
 
 50 How She has Own Way... 1 3 
 
 140 How He Popped Quest'n.. I 1 
 
 74 How to Tame M-in-Law.. 4 2 
 
 35 How Stout Y'r Getting ... 5 2 
 
 26 Hunterof the Alps 9 4 
 
 47 In the Wrong Box 3 
 
 95 In the Wrong Clothes '5 3 
 
 77 Joe's Visit 2 1 
 
 11 John Smith 5 3 
 
 99 Jumbo Jum 4 3 
 
 82 Killing Time 1 
 
 9 Lady Audley's Secret 6 
 
 3 Lady of Lvons 12 
 
 127 Lick Skillet Wedding 2 
 
 106 Lodgings for Two 3 
 
 104 Lost 6 
 
 46 Man and Wife 12 
 
 139 Matrimonial Bliss I 
 
 91 Michael Erie 8 
 
 36 Miller of DerwentW'tr... 5 
 
 88 M s^hievous Nigger 4 
 
 34 Mistletoe Bough .\ 7 
 
 69 Mother's Fool 6 
 
 1 Mr. and 31 rs. Prinirle 7 
 
 23 My Heart's in Hii^hl'ds .. 4 
 
 32 My Wife's Relations 4 
 
 128 Musical Darkey 2 
 
 149 New Years in N. Y 7 
 
 90 No Cure, No Pay 3 
 
 61 Not as Deaf as He See)n3 2 
 
 37 Not So Bad After All 6 
 
 44 Obedience 1 
 
 81 Old Phil's Birthday 5 
 
 150 Old Pompey 1 
 
 33 On the Sly 3 
 
 109 Other People's Children.. 3 
 
 146 Our AwiurAunt 4 
 
 126 Our Daughters 8 
 
 85 Outcast's Wife 12 
 
 83 Out on the World 5 
 
 53 Out in the Streets 6 
 
 57 Paddy Miles' Boy 
 
 29 Painter of Ghent". 
 
 114 Passions 
 
 18 Poacher's Doom 
 
 134 Pomp's Pranks 
 
 165 Persecuted Dutchman. 
 
 II 
 
 4 
 
 5 
 
 2 
 
 
 
 2 
 
 7 
 
 1 
 
 3 
 
 2 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 1 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 4 
 
 I 
 
 6 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 5 
 
 2 
 
 2 
 
 1 
 
 2 
 
 2 
 
 4 
 
 6 
 
 4 
 4 
 
 2 
 2 
 4 
 3 
 
 
FUN IN A POST OFFICE, 
 
 A FARCE 
 
 IN ONE ACTy 
 
 — BY- 
 
 E. HENRI BAUMAN. 
 
 With descriplion of characters, entrances and exits, positions of the 
 performers on the stage, and the whole of the stage bus- 
 iness. Printed from the original manuscript. 
 
 0^ 
 
 Entered according to act ofConrjress in the year 1SS5, by 
 
 A. D. AMES, 
 in the ojicc of the Librarian of Conjress, at Washington* 
 
 
 A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER, 
 
FUN IK A POST OFFICE, 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Johnnie O'Hag.in, (Irish) uiho cannot see his girl but once a loeeTc, 
 and who is jealous of Rufas. 
 
 JRufiis, ( Darkey) who sweeps out the office, and raakes himself gener- 
 ally usefully. 
 
 Joe Green, Postmaster, Julians brother. 
 
 Charlie Brown, a city chap, ivho is flirting ivith Julia. 
 
 Mary O'Herne, an Irish girl tcith whom O'llagan is in love. 
 
 Julia Green, Joe's sister, in love loith Charlie Brown. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Johnnie C Sag an. -^ An old fashioned, and well-worn pair of cor- 
 l.uroy pants, green stockings, eutawjiy coat, green neck-tie and 
 naif plug hat without/ any brim. 
 
 Pufits. — Exagerated negro costume. 
 
 Joe Green. — Plain business suit. 
 
 Charlie 7?>'ou'?i.— Dressed in theheighth of fashion. 
 
 3Iary 0' Heme. —'Neat plain dress, something for a servant o-irl. 
 
 Julia (Tree?i.— Dressed quite fashionably for her position. 
 
 TI3IE OF PERFOPMAXCE—TWENTY-FIVE 3IIXUTES, 
 
 TMP92-008623 
 
FUN m A POST OFFICE. 
 
 SCENE — Arrange a niimher of Post Office boxes at JmcJc, l. fourth 
 grooves, also other fixtures as may he required to make the scene resem- 
 ble a Post Office, 
 
 Enter Pufiis, R., loith broom. 
 
 linfns. Golly, how I hate to get up so early in de moriiiu' and 
 clean up dis old post othee. De only pleasure der is in it, is dat 1 
 can read de postal cards, an' see if my gal has been writin' to some 
 odder feller, {sweeping and dusting) Gess I Nvill see if dere is any 
 ting for dis child, {goes behind boxes) 1 can't read, but I can tell by 
 de enwelope which is always dirty wid finger marks, and looks as if 
 some little nigger had been runnin' around on it wid his dirty feet. 
 But I must hiiiry up, for Massa Joe will be down here in a few min- 
 utes, and if he catches me back here he will break every bone in my 
 l)ody. {noise heard outside) Lordy, I'll bet my last year's salary 
 dat dat' s Massa Joe, {runs from back of office, and commences siveejying. 
 
 Enter Joe Green, ii. 
 
 Joe. Well, Eufns, haven't you got through cleaning up yet? 
 Here it is almost time for the first mail, and you still sweeping. 
 
 Jiiifus. Yes, Massa Joe, I'm almost fru. 
 
 Joe. Well, when you get through I want to speak with you a 
 moment, so hurry up. 
 
 Pitfiis. {drops broom) I'm fru now. What's you want? 
 
 Joe. Well, liufus, as you have been a good and faithful servant 
 every since you have beeli in my employ, and as I wish to straighten 
 up my books etc., I will see how much you have coming and also 
 increase your salary for the next year. Uoe, goes back of boxes. 
 
 llvfus. Goin' to increase my salary, and goin' to straighten up 
 his books. Ha, ha I He's trynig to make folks*^ believe he's got books, 
 Avhen he don't know what books are. Just tink, gwine to have my 
 salary increased, I don't see what he's gwine to do dat fer, I can't 
 spend all de salary I get now, but you can bet I han't gwine to 
 say nufiln', and if he increases my wages as much more, I will soon 
 have enough money to buy a horse. 
 
 Joe* Well,iKufus, here's a statement of how we stand. 
 
 [comes from behind boxes. 
 
 Pufus. {takes it— comes down J ront) I can't read dis, Massa Joe, 
 can't you come and read it for me. 
 
4 FUN m A POST OFFICE. 
 
 Joe. Certainly, {comes down — Bujus hands it to him) Well to 
 beo-in with, join- salary which is ten cents a week, you kept drawinoj 
 from time to time, until at present you owe me a dollar and a^half, 
 vou have over-drawn that much. 
 
 r^ufus. Dollar and a half ! (astonished) Why I didn't' make dat 
 much all de year. 
 
 Joe. Oh, yes, you. did. But we^'ll let that go, and commence now 
 with an increase. For the next year I will give you eleven cents a 
 week. Do you think that will be sufficient? 
 
 Bnjus. [counts on his Jingers) Leben. Oh, Lord, I'll soon have 
 enough to buy a horse, or a coal mine. 
 
 Joe. Well, do you accept? 
 
 Bufus. Course I does. 
 
 Joe. Well, now you can go to the house and get your breakfast. 
 But if I send for you, be sure and come immediately. 
 
 Bufus. Yes, sah. ( exit Bufus, r., as he goes off he keeps repeating 
 *^ Eleven cents a week.''^ 
 
 Joe. (comes down c.) AVell, I have got my books straighten- 
 ed up, and engaged Rufus for another year, and now 1 am ready for 
 business. The only thing that bothers me now, is that Charlie Brown, 
 who comes down here from the city, and don't do anj'thing but make 
 love to my sister Julia, but I shall have It stopped some way. The 
 next time he sends a letter to her, I vvill open it and read the con- 
 tents, and we will see which is the smartest, me or Brown. 
 
 {goes back of office. 
 
 Enter Johnnie O'^Magan, R. 
 
 Johnnie, (goes up to office) Is there anything for Johnnie 'Hagan ? 
 
 Joe. Yes, sir, here's a letter. 
 
 Johnme. Anything for Johanna? 
 
 Joe. No, sir. 
 
 Johnnie. Maria? 
 
 Joe. No, sir. 
 
 Johnnie. For Bridget? 
 
 Joe. No ! 
 
 Johnnie. Is there anything for Patsy O'Conner, the man with 
 only one eye and the other one gone ? 
 
 Joe. No. There's nothing for any of those parties. 
 
 Johnnie. Well, why didn't you say so long ago you black-guard ? 
 
 Joe. Get out of here or I'll make joi\ go. 
 
 Johnnie. Not so fast, I have a few questions to ask before I go. 
 Do you think your Highness, the stamp sucker, will be good enough 
 to answer them ? 
 
 Joe. No, sir, I want nothing to do with you, get out at once or 
 I'll throw you out. {comes from back of office. 
 
 Johnnie, (doubling up his Jists and ^calking over to him) Now 
 what do you want? 
 
 Joe. (looking him over from head to foot) 1 guess I don't want 
 anything. 
 
 Johnnie. Well, then will ye listen to me you sucker? 
 
 Joe. Yes. Goon. 
 
 Johnnie. Vfell, then, there is a little darlin' at yoiu' house that 
 I have taken a great liking to, and 1 want you to speak a good word 
 for me whenever you have a chance, and I will return the favor by 
 
FVN IN^ A POST OFFICE. C 
 
 •Ironncing that Brown, that ye love so well. What do yc^ %r.y? 
 Will ye do it? 
 
 Joe. {brightening vp) Certainly, certainly. I'll have her marry 
 you at once, if you'll only inanage to trounce that Brown. 
 
 Johnnie. Then the Ixirj^aiu's settled. The first time I see Brown, 
 I'll smash him in the snoot. 
 
 Enter Julia Green, r. 
 
 Julia. Is there any mail for me this morning, brother Joe? 
 
 Joe. I'll see. {looks over letters — takes one and gives to her) Here 
 is one from that crazy fool of a Brown. 
 
 Jtilia. He is not a fool, Joe, he's a dear little fellow, and all the 
 girls in the neisjhborhood have i^onc m-id over him. 
 
 Joe. Well, it's all right enough for them, but I don't want to see 
 you doing as they do — I want ja^u to marry some sensible fellow. 
 
 Julia. All right brother Joe, J will try and do as you wish. But 
 I must go and read this letter, {comes doicn stage and opens letter 
 reads) 
 
 "My Darling Julia : — Ever since I left your most precious and 
 dear self yesterday, I have been wishing ohj so much to be near my 
 darling Julia, again, but perh.q^s the opportunity will be mine to- 
 day or this evening. If you can I would very much like to liave you 
 drop me a line, and let me know where I can meet you. I have 
 to ask this favor, because your brother will never consent to my 
 coming to the house. Hoping to receive the precious note soon, I 
 remain, your lover. Charlie." 
 
 Julia. Well, brother, I gues-; I will let you know, as lam expect- 
 ing some lady friend this morning, 1 will have to go home. Tra la! 
 
 {throws kiss at Joe, as she exits, i.., dropping letter, Johnnie sees it and 
 picks it up. 
 
 Joe. Let me have the letter, and see what the scoundrel has to 
 Bay. (Johnnie hands it to him, Joe rends to himself, and looks angry) 
 The impudent puppy, to dare t<o call my sister "Darling."- I will 
 tix him — ril set Johnnie on him, and have Mr. Brown, thrashed to 
 A^■ithin an inch of his life, (a^ the beginning of last sentence, Eufus 
 sticks Jiis head ia l., unohservsd. 
 
 Jiufas. (aside) He will, will he? We'll see about it. I'll go to 
 Mr. Brown and tell him, perhaps I can make a few cents to go to- 
 wards buying that horse, ha, ha I (vnthdraios head. 
 
 Johnnie. Well, I will be in again, and we will fix up some plot 
 by which to teetot.-illy pulverize this blasted snoozer. 
 Voe. So we will Johnnie, so we will, and ii—(sees Jlarfj, and goes 
 mck of boxes. 
 
 Enter Marg O^IIernef l., sees Johnnie. 
 
 Mary. Oh, Johnnie O'llagan what brings ye down here this 
 Messed day. Do you expect a letter from some of your folks across 
 the water? 
 
 Johnnie. Xo me, darlint, I came down on purpose to see ye, and 
 thought perliaps there might be a letter in the ofiice from ye, but there 
 wasn't. But Lord bless ye, what's the use of a letter, when I can 
 see my own darlint little' Mary. But Mary does that dirty nagger 
 still be around ye as much as he used to? You know when I used 
 
B FUN IN A POST OFFICE. 
 
 to come down you was all the time trying to make me jealous. If I 
 had the spalpeen now, I don't know but I would eat him up. 
 
 Mary. Ha, ha! Johnnie, you wouldn't do that, now. Yc^i know 
 Jiagers don't digest well on an Irish stomach, especially on yours' 
 ■vvlnch isn't— used to such deliciaces, and ye know smoked ham and 
 other game are only had in their season, ha, ha! 
 
 Johnnie, {puzzled) What, do you mean by ^'smoked ham and 
 game in their season." Do you take me for a sucker? 
 
 Mcrv. Oh, ye blockhead, can't you understand nothing? 
 
 Johnnie. Call me all the names you want to, I can digest them. 
 
 2tarii. [aside) I'll have some fun with him now. The nager took 
 me home from a wake one night when Johnnie was down and ever 
 since that, Johnnie has been down on him. Poor Johnnie is a good 
 hearted fellow, but I do„so like to tease him. {aloud) Johnnie, what 
 do you snppose brought me down to-day ? 
 
 Johnnie. How should 1 know, unless you was expecting a letter 
 from that nager. {looks angnj. 
 
 Jlary. What a good giiesser you are. I met him as I was coming 
 down the street, and he told me there was a letter at the post office 
 for me. 
 
 Johnnie, {excitedly) The dirty spalpeen, I'll fix him. 
 
 Mary. ( goes to post office window) Mishter Green is there any 
 ^hing jfor Mary O'Herne ? 
 
 Joe. {loho has been writing vJiile Johnnie and Mary, loere talking 
 noio looks up) Hello, J\[ary ! What brings you down this morning? 
 
 Mary. 1 asked you if there was a letter for me. 
 
 Joe. Seems to me I did see one. {looks through letters) Oh, yes, 
 here is one. {hands it to her, Johnniegets excitedand comes close to her) 
 
 Johnnie. Let me sec it— ? 
 
 Mary. Ishan'tdoit— 
 
 Enter liufus l. and Johnnie sees and makes a rush for him, Bufus gets 
 behind Mary, Joe comes from behind office. 
 
 Johnnie. Ye, dh'ty divil, I'll fix ye for writing letters to my darlin' ! 
 
 Mufiis. I didn't do no such thing. 
 
 Johnnie. You did to. Hain't she got the letter in Ker hands now? 
 
 Bufus. I'll be kicked to deif with dat horse I'm goin' to git if I 
 did? 
 
 Johnnie. Didn't you tell her to come here — that there was a letter 
 for her ? 
 
 Bujus. No, sir, I didn't, and whoever says so is a lying skunk. 
 
 Johnnie. Ye dirty divil, you call my gh-1 skunk, will ye? {runs 
 afier Bufus, who runs around stage, Johnnie follows him, at last they both 
 exit L. 
 
 Mary. ( runs after them throvnng her arms in the air, shouting) - He'll 
 kill the nager, and all me fault. {Joe tries to quiet her. 
 
 Mary. I'll go, and follow them, and tell Johnnie that Kufus didn't 
 say so. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! There wasn't as much fun as I thought 
 there would be. {runs off r. 
 
 Joe. I'm afraid if Johnnie catches Eufus, he'll thrash him sound' 
 3y. ( goes back of office. 
 
 Enter Bufus, clothes all torn, one eye filled ivith flour etc. 
 
 Bufus, De darned Irisher got away wid me. But I'll hab rebenge, 
 
FUN^ m A POST OFFICE. 7 
 
 rebenge is sweet, I'll hab It if I don't hab dat horse, you can bet your 
 last year's salary. 
 
 Joe. What's the matter Eufiis, you look as though somebody had 
 run you through a saw-mill. 
 
 Bufus. Dats all right — I'll hab rebenge, an' don't you forget it. 
 (aside — comiivj chnon c. ) I tole Mr. Brown dat massa Joe was goin* 
 to hab de Irisher trnsh liim — I also tole him he would be down here 
 dis afternoon, and Massa Green would be away, and he would come 
 down and trash de Irisher an' den he could see Miss Julia. Oh, I 
 hab got ebery ting fixed, and if dey don't be a big rumpus up here 
 dis afternoon, den I don't git de horse. Now, I want to getde weap- 
 ons ready an' when de Irisher comes I can go for him, and Massa 
 Brown can go for him and Massa Green. Oh, won't 1 hab rebenge. 
 
 Joe. Rutus, stay here a few minutes until I come back, but don't 
 give out any mail, if any one conies tell them I will be back imme- 
 diately, don't forget. 
 
 Bufus. All right, Massa Joe, {exit Joe, r. 
 
 Bufus. He gives me eleven cents a week, {counts on his fingers) 
 Dat's allright enough, but whei^ Massa Brown gives me a couple ob 
 dollars for letin' him lick Mnssa J'>e, I got no 'jections — none at all, I 
 can get my horse so much quir'jver. Xlooks j].) Hello, here comes 
 Massa Brown now, and he has got something in his hands, oh, won't 
 there be a big racket. {jumps around. 
 
 Enter Charlie Brovm. l. carries two big stuffed clubs, gives one to Bufus. 
 
 Charlie. Well, Rufus, how is everything getting along? Here is 
 a club I brought for you to mawl that irishman, and I also have one 
 for myself to jjractice on Mr. Joe Green, Esq, who is afraid I will 
 marry his pretty sister Julia. But I am bound to have her if she had 
 twenty brothers, and as many fathers. What do you think about it 
 Rufus, don't you think I have a perfect right to marry the sweet 
 little creature if I love her with my whole heart ? I suppose you know 
 liow it is yourself at least yon had ought to have had a love scrape in 
 your time. Of cours*^ I have never had one nnself, but thought 
 perhaps you might have liad some experience of that kind in your 
 love makiuii:, how is it Rufus? 
 
 Bufus. Iln, ha ! Dat puts me in mind, when I was a gwine to see 
 old Ebenezer Johnson's daughter Sadie, she was de mos' lobliest gal 
 dat eber you laid eyes on, I was dead over heels in lub wid her. But 
 you should have seen how mad de old man used to get, when I came 
 down dar. You see I didn't hab no monej'an dere was anodder chajj 
 ob de same complexion, coming to see her who did liab. Well, Mrs. 
 Johnson liked me, and de old man liked de odder feiler, and didn't 
 like me, see? (Charle nods head) Well, no^v I'll tell j'ou how old 
 Brown fixed me, and had de odder feller marry his daughter — see? 
 [Charlie nods head) You see riglitbackob de house dere was a fence, 
 and a darned high fence too. Well, dere was a round hold cut in 
 dis fence — see? {Charlie nods head) I nebber could entirely under- 
 stand, what it was for till dat night. You see old Johnson had it 
 made up wid dis feller, dat dey would fix me. Well, dis young feller 
 9ent me de note 
 
 Charlie. I always had an idea you couldn't read. How did you 
 manag-e about this note. 
 
8 FUN IX A POST OFFICE. 
 
 Jill f us. Well, yon see I went to a friend of mineVho could read, 
 an^ he told me de old gal wanted me to see her dat night an' ihe would 
 be right by de hole in de fence— see ? 
 
 Charlie. Yes, go on. 
 
 Bufus. Ob course, I wouldn't disappoint de sweet darlin', so I 
 went down dere dat night. I sneaked upon tip toe to dat hole in de 
 fence, when dere was somebody said : "Sh! TV be out directly," 
 Well, purty quick out come de sweet creature, at least I thought it 
 was her come up to me and said- "Eufus, darlin' you got here on 
 time, didn't you V" I said "yes" and wns just a goin' to take her iu 
 my arms when she grabbed me an' said be old man was a comin' ar 
 I would have to crawl through de hole an' get a\v:ty ; I made a dash 
 for de hole, I got halfway in when de old man on de odder side grab- 
 bed me by de neck, an' de feller on de odder side, who wasn't my 
 gal at all, but was de odder feller all de time, commenced a pound- 
 ing me, an' kickin' me, an' de odder feller kept kickin' an'poundin' 
 harder. (Charlie laughing) Well, purty soon dey went awjiy an' left 
 me, Ithoughtit was about a thousand years, I stayed dere till de next 
 mornin' an' purty near froze to defl",. couldn't either get out or get in. 
 was completely stuck in dere. 
 
 Charlie. Listen, Rufus. {Charlie looks -l.) Why here they come 
 now, Joe Green and the Irishman. Now listen, when the Irishman 
 comes in, you allow him to get in a step or two, and I will also do 
 so with Green, and when I say "ready" you commence pounding. 
 Understand? 
 
 Bufus. Yes, sah, I understood. Oh, now I'll hab rebenge for de 
 lickin' I got from Johnson, you can bet your last year's salary I won't 
 get left. 
 
 Bufus and Charlie at back when Joe and Johnnie, enter l. 2 E. 
 Johnnie and Joe start down c. when Charlie says ^^ready^^ Bufus clubs 
 Johnnie, icho falls down c. continues clubbing him when he is down John- 
 nie crying ^^murder,^^ Charlie does the same with Joe, 
 
 Charlie. Joe Green, if you don't instantly consent to my marry- 
 ing your sister, I will keep j'ou down there and give you the beating 
 3^ou intended for me. 
 
 Bufus. {puts foot on Johnnie) Keep still you Irisher, I'll give you 
 all the lickin' you'll want in many days. 
 
 Joe. Charlie Brown, you have been making love to my sister for 
 quite a while, an' if 5'"ou will let me go now, I will consent. {Joe lets 
 him up) Perhaps you are a better fellow than I thought you were 
 so here is my hand and let us alwaj^s be friends. 
 
 Charlie, Joe, old fellow, shake. (they shake hands,. 
 
 Enter Julia, r., rushes to Charlie'^s arms, 
 
 Julia, Dear Charlie, what does this mean ? 
 
 Charlie. It menas that your brother has kindly given his consent 
 to our marriage. 
 
 Julia. Oh, how happy I am ! 
 
 Joe. Yes, Julia, I have given my consent—and may you always 
 be happy. 
 
 Julia Thanks, dear brother. 
 
FUX IX A POST OFFICE. 9 
 
 Charlie. Rufus, let the Irishman up now, I guess you have pound- 
 ed him enough. 
 
 mifus. I hate to, Massa Charlie, but if you say so all right. {Hufus 
 lets Johnnie up) 
 
 Johnnie. You dirty nager, the first time I catch ye alone I'll kill 
 ye entirely — so I will. 
 
 Enter Mary O'llerne, l. 
 
 Mary, (rushes to Johnnie) Oh. Johnnie! 
 
 Johnnie, (clasps her in his arms) Oh, Mary darlin' will ye be my 
 wife now, you know how much I love ye. 
 
 Mary. Yes, Johnnie. 
 
 Unfits, (c. to audience— looks sad) I suppose I will have to keep 
 right on doing de same old thing again— but I'll try to stand it, I 
 will stay here and work awhile longer, and you can bet I will save 
 my money dis year, and perhaps kind friends when we meet again I 
 will be fortunate enough to have a horse. 
 
 CURTAIN, 
 
■riiiliWifi 
 
 016 102 aio" # 
 
 Hints To Amateurs, 
 
 By a. D. AMES. 
 
 A book of iiFcful information for Amateurs and other.-;, written expressly for 
 those who are {giving public entertainments — and who wish to make their ett'urts suc- 
 cessful— containing much information never before given. Mr. Ames has had many 
 years experience, and in this work gives many hints which cannot fail to be of great 
 benefit to all. The following subjects are treated in a clear and concise manner: 
 The effects of the drama on the mind— The dramatic club a means of charity— Use- 
 ful hints— Necessity of a book of plain instructions— Formation of a dramatic 
 com i»any— Duties of the manager— Assigning parts— Duty of the prompter— Duty 
 of the property man— Music for plays— Kehearsals— Hints— Best methods of 
 studying— Stage laughs— Speaking loud— Articulation— How to be promptetl— 
 (Jetting the back to the audience— Making up— How to burn a colored fire— How 
 to nuike fuses — To make a rain storm — To make thundei — To make lightning — 
 To make a wind storm— Imitation of clouds— Imitation of waves— How to pro- 
 duce a crash — How to produce snow — Success on the stage — A short history of the 
 drama— Scene painting— The painter— Difficulties in scene painting— How to act 
 — Macready's Method. Sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 15c per copy. 
 
 COLORED TABLEAU LIGHTS.— For use in Tableaux and Illuminations, and 
 to heighten the effect of stage scenes, especially in spectacular plays. As these lights 
 contain no sf'/yy/iH/, they are not subject to spontaneous combustion, and burn with 
 less smoke and odor than any other similar compounds. They emit an intense light, 
 requiring no reflector. They are made in rtd and iir<-':ii only. We are putting \\]y our 
 Colored Fires in a box containing enough material for one light, with fuses ready for 
 use for 2oc by mail. Per one-half pound, Sl.OO. Per pound (by express), $1.50. Per 
 pound (by mail) $1.75. 
 
 MAGNESIUM TABLEAU LIGHTS.— Are first-class for the following reasons: 
 They do not smoke: are always ready; they w'ill not explode: they are easily ignited: 
 are wonderfully brilliant, burning with an intensity of 7-1 stearine candles; are per- 
 fectly safe under all circumstances. Tiiey can easily and safely be sent to any part 
 of the United States. One of these magnesium lights will be amply sufficient for two 
 tableaux, unless they are unusually long. "We will send them by mail for twenty- 
 five cents each, and prepay all charges. 
 
 LIGHTNING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.— Very many dramas containing 
 storms, which unless given in an artistic manner are more laughable than otherwise. 
 To make them successful gooil lightning is essential. We Avill send a package of 
 material for this piiriiose, with full printed directions for its use, to any address, for 
 50 cents. The effect iircxluced by it will be found all that can be desired. 
 
 WILKINS" AMATEUR DRAMAS.— Designed expressly for the use of Schools: 
 Amateur Dramatic and Church entertainments. This volume contains the follow- 
 ing plays: Rock Allen the Mriihau. or Lost and Found; Three Glasses a Day, or the 
 Broken Home: Mother's Fool: The Pieward of Crime, or the Love of Gold: The 
 Coming Man: The Turn of the Tide, or Wrecked in Port; Hash. Neatly Ijound in 
 cloth, price 75 cents. 
 
 SPIRIT POWDER.— For fiistcniniEr whiskers or mustache to the face. Will ad- 
 here very stritiigly in the hottest weather. Price per package 2.5 cents. 
 
 HAPPY FRANKS COMIC SONG AND JOKE BOOK.-Contains a choice col- 
 lection of original songs, jokes, conundrums, stump speeches, etc. In addition to 
 the above, it also contains one comi)Iete Dutcli sketch, one Ethiopean farce, and a 
 Negro -kcf.li. nil of which have never been published. Price 15 per (•(.]. y. 
 
 3fon- 3In*»i<' — Kvory Piece a €ireiii. 
 
 MY NAME VAS HEINRICH HANS.-A roaring Dutch song, words by W. H. 
 Sitanglcr. jr.. music by F. 0. Wilson. A great success and pronouueed by both press 
 and public the greatest hit of many years. Price 80 cents. 
 
 DERE VAS EIN LEEDLE DEITCHER GAL.— A capital Dutch song for male 
 voii-es, words by W. II. Spangler, jr., music by F. 0. Wilson, Can be used as a solo, 
 or as a soId and chonis. Prif-e -'O <*eiits. 
 
 A HEALTH TO OUR HOSTESS.-A male (luartette, words by W. H. Spangler, 
 jr., words by F. 0. Wilson. It is sure to please all who r>urchase it. Prico30 cents. 
 Address all orders to A. D. AMES, Publisher. 
 
 Lock Box 102. Ci.YDK. Ohio. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 016 102 310 3 # 
 
 HoUinger Corp. 
 pH 8.5