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OV^EKM^N'S 
 
 EXHIBITION AND SCHOOL 
 
 -^DIALOGUES^ 
 
 miM SKHOOL SHOULD HAVE THEM. 
 
 Price lo Cents. 
 
 SALKM. INDIAN \. 
 
 1,KA7'ER STEAM I'KINT. 
 
Published by MARY N. OVERMAN, 
 
 JUST THE DIALOGUES YOU WA 
 
 Sent post paid upon Receipt of lo cents in Sta 
 or Currency. Address the x\uthor or 
 
 J. ^. KEJSi:^, 
 
 Publisher, Bookseller and Stationer, 
 Salem, Indiana. 
 
OVERMA-N'S 
 
 EXHIBITION AND SCHOOL 
 
 ►^ DIALOGUES -^^ 
 
 B¥ERY ggHOOL SHOULD HIVE THEM. 
 
 Price lo Cents. 
 
 SALEM, INDIANA. 
 
 IKAPER bTEAM FEINT. 
 
,07 
 
 Copyright, 1895, 
 By Mary N. Overman, 
 
 H 
 
CONTEXTS. 
 
 Village Lite. 
 
 Boys' Talk. 
 
 District School, on Friday Afterno^-n. 
 
 Tlie Social. 
 
 Wiiich is the Greatest Foe to Our Country, Tobacco 
 or Alcohol? 
 
 Discussion in School. 
 Evening Callers. 
 The Missions of Flovvers. 
 The Alphabet in Uhynie. 
 Sewing Circle Talk. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 The following Dialogues are suit ible for use in School 
 Exhibitions and various other entertainments. They 
 have been prepared wiih a view ef sotting forth useful in- 
 formation, as well as of provoking happy laughter, which 
 
 is a source ot good. 
 
 MARY N. OYERMAjST. 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 VILIvAGE LIFE. 
 
 Characters :**Mrs. Thoughtless and her bo}^ Johnny, 
 Mrs. Pharisee, Mr. Irony, Deacon Jones, Cheer>^ 
 Jones, Preacher Wise and Mrs. Wise. 
 
 Scene I. — A room in which are Mrs. Thought- 
 less and Johnn3^ Mrs. T. dusting the furniture with 
 her apron, and Johnny whittling, 
 
 Airs. T. Now Johnn}^, I want you to stop whit- 
 tling around here. I expect Deacon Jones and 
 Cheer^^ Jones and the new^ Preacher and his wife all 
 here for supper to-night, and I want you to let things 
 alone like I've fixed them. 
 
 Johnny. I will if you'll give me a piece of that 
 cake 3^ou've got baked. 
 
 Mrs. T. I don't want to cut the cake now, but 
 if you Ysill be a good bay while the folks are here, 
 and not slip in behind my chair and stare at them 
 while they are eating, you can have a piece of it af- 
 ter supper. 
 
 Johnnv. But ma, I'm afraid there wont be any 
 left. 
 
 Mrs. T. There will be at least oxK piece left for 
 manners. 
 
 Johnny. * I want you to save me some spanked 
 cream to eat with my cake. 
 
 Mrs. T. You mean whipped cream. 
 
4 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Tohnity. Well, what's the difference between 
 whipped and spanked, I'd like to know. (Enter 
 Mrs. Pharisee.) 
 
 Mrs. T. Well! If here isn't Mrs. Pharisee. I'm 
 So glad to see 3^ou. Take a chair. How are 3^ou 
 to-day. ? 
 
 Mrs. P. (Sitting down.) I'm not so well b}^ a 
 great deal. I can hardl}^ go at all. It seems as 
 though I never would be well again. My health is 
 getting worse all the time; but I'm so patient and 
 resigned, I never complain. «, 
 
 Mrs. T. Take ofT your bonnet. 
 
 Mrs. P. I don't know as it's worth while. I 
 guess I can't stay long. 
 
 Mrs. T. Oh, you can stay all day just as well as 
 not, and I'm going to make you sia}^ so 3^ou had 
 just as well take off your bonnet. 
 
 Mrs. P. Well, I'll stay if you won't go to much 
 extra trouble about dinner. (Takes off her bonnet.) 
 I hav'nt any appetite at all, so if you don't have 
 an^/thing for dinner but fried chicken and ham and 
 eggs, and boiled cabbage and turnips and potatoes, 
 and pie and cake and plum pudding, and apple 
 dumplings and sauce, and presen/^es and jelh% and 
 good bread and butter, and coffee, I can make out 
 very well. I didn't come to eat, no how. 
 (Johnny laughs.) 
 
 Mrs. P. Now, Johnny, what are you laughing 
 at ? Sister Thoughtless, do 3^ou think he was laugh- 
 ing at me ? 
 
 Mrs. T. I wouldn't be surprised, he often laughs 
 at almost nothing. 
 
 Mrs. P. He ought to be admonished. .If I felt 
 able I'd give him a real good talking to about such 
 conduct, but my head f^els too full and bad for such 
 ififertioni 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 5 
 
 Johnny. Ma}^ be 3'ou've slept with 3-our head 
 too low, and 3^our brains have run down into it. 
 
 Mrs. T. Jonhn3% 3'ou mustn't put in when older 
 folks are talking. Go out and pile up that wood as I 
 told you to. (Exit Johruw.) I'm afraid Johnny's 
 getting too sharp and sauc}^ 
 
 Mrs. P. The pertness of all children now-da\'S is 
 enough to tr}" the patience of a saint. (Takes out 
 her knitting.) I brought ni}^ knitting along. I 
 don't believe in being idle. 
 
 Mrs. T. Neither do I, and like 3^ou, wdien I go 
 out to spend the da3' I ahva3'S take m3^ knitting 
 along. One so enj03'S talking when knitting." 
 
 Mrs. P. Yes, and knitting is good for ner\'OUS- 
 ness, and I'm so nervous and w^orried about so man3' 
 poor folks coming into our church, and Cheer3' Jones 
 and Charit3^ Good are a good deal to blame for this, 
 for the3^ took pains to invite poor outsiders to our 
 church and saw to it that tlie3^ were seated w^ell up 
 in front when the3^ came. And Brother Wise hur- 
 ried to them to shake hands with them, and said to 
 them, like he ]MEA^'T it, "I'm so glad to see 3^ou 
 here, friends. I hope 3'ou vv'ill come as often as 3XU 
 can. We need 3'our help." I told him I was 
 afraid our church would be over-burdened with poor 
 folks. He just said, "And the poor have the gospel 
 preached to them." Cheer3^ Charit3' and SivSter 
 Wise are arranging to give a free Thanksgiving din- 
 ner for the poor folks in our midst, but the3' will not 
 get an3^thing from me for it. I ge^ye them a piece of 
 m3^ mind about such doings. If we have an3^thing 
 to give w^e ought to send it to the poor heathen in 
 foreign lands. 
 
 Mrs. T. Well, I never thought of that when they 
 came to see if I would give an3^thing toward the 
 dinner. Charit3' said it w^as our dut3'^ to see to it 
 that every one in our communit3^ has something on 
 
6 SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 
 
 Thanksgiving day for which to be thankful, "if it is 
 nothing more than a good dinner. Charity said, 
 ''The more happiness we dispense the more good 
 we can accomplish," and she thought w^e could give 
 more happiness according to the expense, in giving 
 a good dinner on that day to those who otherwise 
 would not, have such a dinner, than we could in any 
 other way. So I told them I'd roast my biggest 
 turke3^ and send them for the dinner. Cheery said, 
 ' 'You must come and help eat it, for v/e want enough 
 well-to-do people present to keep the poor from feel- 
 ing that they are a separate class." Brother Wise 
 and Deacon Jones are going to be there and do all 
 they can toward the success of the undertaking, and 
 Mr. Irony says he will do eveiything within his 
 wife's powder toward getting up the dinner, and all 
 within his owm power toward getting away v ith it. 
 
 Mrs. P. Oh, dear! Such worldliness. 
 (Enter Cheery Jones.) 
 
 Cheery. Good morning, friends. Who comes 
 oftener than I do, Mrs. Thoughtless ? 
 
 Mrs. T. They who come twice to 3^our once. 
 But I'm glad to see you any time. You are alwa3^s 
 so cheerful and good natured. 
 
 Mrs. P. It is eas}^ enough to be good na- 
 tured when one has every^thing her own way, as you 
 have, sister Jones. But if ^^ou couldn't do as you 
 please and had to worr}^ like other women do, may- 
 be 3^ou Vv^ouldn't be any better natured than other 
 folks. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I den' t know of any law or com- 
 mand sa3dng, thou shalt worry, and as worry ing 
 never does an3^ good, I keep as free from it as possi- 
 ble. I don't even v/oriy about the comet, though 
 Bill N3^e sa3^s, "A comet is as good a thing to wor- 
 ry about as an3^ thing he knows of." 
 
 (Enter I^eaeon Jones and Mr. Irony,) 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 7 
 
 Deacon. Good morning, folks. Isn't this a beau- 
 tiful day ? 
 
 Mrs. T. It's just perfect, and so enjoyable. 
 
 Mrs. P. We should ever bear in "mind that 
 there's nothing perfect here. 
 
 Mr. I. Indeed we should. True, the day seems 
 bright and beautiful, and there's not a cloud visible 
 anywhere, but as I came along I noticed a place in 
 the sky where it looked like there might be a cloud 
 in a few da^^s. So folks had better go slow about 
 enjoying such a da}' as this; it's nothing but a 
 weather breeder. 
 
 Deacon. That's what Brother Growler says, and 
 he's afraid it will rain before he can get his Vvdfe to 
 carry the wood into the shed. He said he ordered 
 her to carry it in to-da}^, but she said she didn't 
 have time. He sa3"S she w^ont obe}^ him any more 
 only just as she pleases, and so, Cheer^^, he v/ants 
 you to go over and give her a talking to about it. 
 
 Mrs. P. A woman had better learn to obey her 
 OWN husband, before she goes to lecturing othkr 
 women for not obeying theirs. Charity begins at 
 home. 
 
 Cheery. Yes, but it doesn't end there, else it is 
 not charity, but onlj^ selfishness. 
 
 Mr. I. Deacon, from what Mrs. Pharisee says, 
 I judge your wife does not alv/ays obey you. 
 
 Deacon. My wife always does just what I want 
 her to do. 
 
 Mrs. P. Why ! Deacon Jones, every^ body 
 knovvs that Cheery ahvays does just as she pleases. 
 
 Deacon, Well, that's just v/hat I want her to do. 
 
 Mrs. P. But Paul commanded wives to obey 
 iheif hu^band.^i 
 
 ^Meryi Wttai^f iUa^- M'>^n{ was gnly a m^fii 
 
8 SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 
 
 Mrs. P. That's blasphemy, Sister Jones, yoit 
 ought to read your bible more. 
 
 Cheery. I've read my bible enough to know that 
 Paul wasn't the Lord. 
 
 Deacon. Hurrah for you, Cheery. You're no 
 fool, if you are ni}' wife. 
 
 Mr. I. No, 'taint ket chin'. (Deacon, Cheer^^ and 
 Mrs. T. laugh.) 
 
 Mrs. P. It shocks me to hear church members 
 laughing out so. 
 
 Mr. I. Yes, it is awfuIv. I never even SMII.K 
 above a whisper. Such hilarit}^ among bur church 
 members might cause me to lose my religion, if I 
 didn't keep it bottled up and only take the cork out 
 on Sunday and at prayer meetings. 
 
 Mrs. T. I think we've got off the question. 
 
 Cheer}'. Yes. To obey — or not to obe}'- — that's 
 tlie question. Whether 'tis nobler in a wife to sac- 
 rifice her individuality on the alter of obedience to 
 her husband, or to maintain her inherent right 
 to exercise her own will and judgment. To obey — 
 to yield, no moreH:o plan, or vSpeak, or act for self, 
 than if her reason were dethroned — 'tis wet blanket- 
 ism, devoutly to be shunned. To obe}^ — and thus, 
 perchance, consign to disuse her own God-given 
 power for good, aye, there's the rub. For power 
 unused is power abused, than which there is no 
 greater vSource of misery and wrong. 
 
 Mrs. T. I never thought of THAT before. Clieeiy, 
 you are some on argument. 
 
 Mr. I. Aren't you afraid you'll get churched for 
 herCvSy, Mrs. Jones, for producing such arguments ? 
 
 Cheery. I answer your question by asking one. 
 Can "They twain shall be one flesh" mean that a 
 wife should wrap her talents in a napkin of self- 
 subordination and bury it beneath her husband's 
 
SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 9 
 
 rule ? I pause for a reph\ 
 
 Mr. I. Mrs. Pharisee, I'll let you answer Mrs. 
 Jones. 
 
 Mrs. P. I don't think it is becoming for women 
 to be arguing questions, and if all women were like 
 me, they vvould have so man}' things to worr>' them 
 in their ovv^n sphere, they wouldn't think of an^^- 
 thing else. 
 
 Mrs. T. Cheer}^ wont let an3'thing worry her. 
 
 Mr. I. If she had as much cause for worrsang as 
 I have, she couldn't help it. For instance, I have 
 just heard of six cures for rheumatism, and not one 
 of our famil}^ has got it; and I had my life insured 
 twent}' years ago, and here I am not dead 3'et; and 
 that isn't all I have to wony about, there's m^^ 
 pumpkms. 
 
 Deacon. Your pumpkins ! What cause have 
 3'ou for worr3^ing about them ? The}^ are as fine, 
 large pumpkins as I ever saw, and the}^ are about 
 as thick on the ground as they could grow. 
 
 Mr. I. (Dolefully) Yes, but I think I've seen 
 pumpkins a little bit YELLOWER. (Laughter.) 
 
 Mrs. P. With so much nonsense and frivolity 
 among our church members, it is no Vv'onder the 
 world is getting worse. 
 
 Mrs. T. You ahva^^s have vSuch poor health, Mrs. 
 Pharisee, I don't expect 3^ou ever feel like laughing. 
 Don't 3'ou think the impure smell from the bone- 
 dust factor}^ so close to 3'our house causes 3^our bad 
 health ? 
 
 Mrs. P. No, indeed, for "to the pure, all 
 things are pure." 
 
 Mr. I. (Aside.) I wonder where Mrs. Phari- 
 see's wings are ? 
 
 Mrs. J. (Aside.) You know all angels don't 
 have wings. 
 
lo SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 
 
 Mr. I. (Aside.) No, but all GKESK do. 
 
 Deacon. Cheery, Brother Irony came over to 
 help fix up a table for the Thanksgiving dinner, and 
 we want your advice about how to fix it. 
 
 Mrs. J. All right. Let's go right av/ay and get 
 at it. 
 
 (Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. J. and Mr. Irony.) 
 
 Mrs. T. (Rising.) I must go and get about 
 dinner. 
 
 Mrs. P. (Rising.) I'll go to the kitchen with 
 you, and sit there while 3^ou're getting dinner, if 
 you have no objections. 
 
 Mrs. T. Certainly not; just come right along. 
 Curtain. 
 
 Scene II. — Mrs. Thoughtless, Mr. and Mrs. Wise 
 and Deacon and Mrs. Jones all seated at a supper 
 table. 
 
 Deacon. Sister Thoughtless, v/asn't that a pow- 
 erful sermon Brother Wise gave us last Sunday ? 
 
 Mrs. T. Indeed it was. It seems like a pity to 
 bring such a preacher as you. Brother Wise, to this 
 small place, a worse preacher would have done, if 
 we had only known where to find him. (Passes 
 the cake and each takes a piece, leaving only one 
 piece on the cake plate. Here Johnny slips in and 
 stands behind Mrs. Thoughtless.) 
 
 Mrs. T. I have no wine to offer you. I don't 
 keep any about the house on Johnny's account. 
 
 Mr. Wise. I'm glad to hear it. Doubtless thous- 
 ands of drunkards ark such, because of wine in 
 their honles when the}' v/ere children. 
 
 Mrs, Jones. I believe that if mothers would place 
 the qtlafaiitiiie of pi^ollibition over ever}- home door, 
 clear aWay the cider caskj wine bottle and tobacco_ 
 pouch, children might reach manh^-'-^^d pnd woman- 
 
SHORT DIAI^OGUES. ii 
 
 hood with natural and untainted appetites, and sa- 
 loons would go down for want of patronage. 
 
 Mrs. W. And if the homes were quarantined 
 against evil communications, children might grow 
 up purer minded, more charitable and more zealous 
 in good works. "Beware of little ears," is advice 
 vv^ell worth heeding. Hence, when in the presence 
 of children we should especially guard well our con- 
 versation and let no unjust or uncharitable remarks 
 about others pass our lips. 
 
 Deacon. Sister Thoughtless, 5^our Cake is so good 
 I'll have to have another piece. 
 
 Mrs. T. Certainly. (Passes it and he takes the 
 last piece.) 
 
 Johnny sobs out. Ma, there goes the last piece 
 of cake, manners and all. 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 BOYS' TAI,K. 
 
 Characters: — Sam, Dick, Bob, Will, Pat, Roy, each 
 supplied with fishing rod and hook. 
 
 Scene. — Sam, Dick, Bob and Will seated on a log 
 and each wmittlng. Enter Pat, whistling. 
 
 Sam. Hello, Pat, we're ahead of 3^ou. 
 
 Pat. Yis, I had to fince up that lot by our house 
 afore I could come. 
 
 Dick. What's the use of fencing up that lot; it's 
 so poor a cow would stance to death on it. 
 
 Pat. Shure und that's what fur I finced it, so 
 our cov/ couldn't git on it and starv^e to death. 
 
 Enter Roy, saying: Hurrah, bo3-s, you beat me 
 here, didn't you? I got so interested reading about 
 the contested mats in Congress, I like to have foj"- 
 
[2 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 gotten about our aiming to go a fxshing to-da3^ 
 Bob. It isn't quite the time we were to start from 
 
 lere, and Math hasn't come yet, so while we're 
 
 vaiting for him let's have a little talk on what we 
 
 ntend to be when we're men. 
 Will. All right. I intend to be a farmer. A 
 
 armer is generally one of the most free, useful and 
 
 Lonored of men. 
 
 Roy. You are away off there, Will. Farmers 
 .re nothing but servants and drudges for the rest of 
 [lankind, and are considered nobodies. 
 
 Bob. I think you are badty mistaken, Roy. To- 
 Lay an honest, intelligent farmer is considered the 
 •eer of an}^ man in our countrv\ A farmer once 
 aid: "On my farm I am king. No man can spit 
 Dbacco juice about me, or befoul ni}^ air with smoke 
 :om their mouths, or make me listen to vSwearing or 
 ny impure talk. I do not have to put up with any- 
 ody's impudence as a matter of business polic}-." 
 
 Will. That's so. A farmer can be one of the 
 lost free and independent of men. Hk does not 
 ave to bow to the public to secure patronage, and 
 e can go a fishing, or on a pleasure trip without 
 :ar of losing custom b}^ being away from his busi- 
 ess. I challenge you to name another vocation 
 ^here adherents are more free in this respect. 
 
 Sam. I say, hurrah for the farmer, but I intend 
 ) be a lawyer, and any time 3^ou wish legal advice, 
 i^ill, I'll be at your service. 
 
 Will. Thank you, but I intend to keep my 
 inces in good repair and keep farm implements suf- 
 cient for my ovvm use, so I'll not have to borrow, 
 nd mind my own truck patch instead of minding 
 HAT of my neighbor, hence, I'll not be likety to 
 eed much legal advice. 
 
 Sam. Perhaps not much, but you'll need some 
 dvice about posting your farm, etc. 
 
SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 13 
 
 Will. I don't know as I'll post my farm. If 
 there is not already a law making posting farms as 
 unnecessary as posting a store room would be, I'll 
 stir up my fellow farmers on the subject and we will 
 have such a law enacted at once. 
 
 Sam. Your head's level. If I can make as good 
 a lav/yer as you will a farmer, I'll be satisfied. But 
 I guess we've taken tip our share of the time, Will. 
 Let up hear from some others now. Pat, I guess it's 
 your time. 
 
 Pat. Shure, and I'm going to be an Amirican, 
 thin I kin do ever}^ thing. 
 
 Dick. I want to see you vvhen you are carr^dng 
 water in a sieve. 
 
 Pat. All right, Come around when it frazes. I 
 say, Hurrah for Amiriky. It's the grandest coun- 
 try on the earth. There's the most land here, and 
 the most to eat, and Vv^e've got ever3^thing in the 
 wurruld. 
 
 Will. We havn't an}^ 3,949-foot volcanoes, like 
 the one six miles east of Naples. 
 
 Bob. But that's nothing. We have a waterfall 
 that would put it out in three shakes. 
 
 Pat. Yis, und our waterfall kapes up its business 
 all the time, stiddy be jerks. 
 
 Sam. Yes, and is always at home when a fellow 
 calls to see it, which is more than can be said of any 
 volcano. Say, Pat, pa w^ants a boy to work with 
 me this summer, and I believe you'd just suit, but 
 3^ou mustn't die on our hands like the last boy pa 
 had hired did. 
 
 Pat. I've a ricomendation to prove I niver died 
 on anybody's hands. 
 
 Sam. How many children are there of you ? 
 Pat, Jist me and the baby's all. 
 Satiit Is the baby a boy or a girl ? 
 
14 SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 
 
 Pat. Guess. 
 
 Sam. Well, I'll guess it's a boy. 
 
 Pat. Faith, und 3^ez missed it. Guess again. 
 
 Sam. Well, it's a girl, then. 
 
 Pat. Faith, somebody's been telling yez. 
 
 Dick. I think it's about ni}^ time to speak now. 
 I intend to be a humorous lecturer. I think there is 
 lots of charity in making people laugh and forget 
 their troubles. Happy laughter shakes the cobwebs 
 from one's brains. 
 
 Roy. You might give us a sample of your lec- 
 tures now, so as to clear our brains. 
 
 Dick. All right, here goes. lyadies and gentle- 
 men, I feel like I owe you an apology for appearing 
 before you with dingy cuffs. Thinking to get them 
 laundried, I asked one of your citizens ifhis wife took 
 in washing, and he said, "Of course she does. You 
 didn't suppose she would leave it out over night 
 v/hen 3^ou are out of jail, did ycu?" That discour- 
 aged me, so I concluded to let my cuffs go dingy. I 
 will now proceed with my lecture. The only hin- 
 drance to my being the best lecturer out is my youth, 
 but I'll outgrow THAT. But this is a youth's age, or 
 rather a children's age as the following will prove: 
 *'An old gentleman, while preaching, was horrified 
 on discovering his little son behind him in the pul- 
 pit pelting his congregation with peanuts, and on the 
 old gentleman's stopping his preaching to reprove 
 his boy, the boy said: "Go ahead and tend to your 
 preaching, daddy, and I'll tend to keeping 'em 
 awake." I thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 
 
 Bob. I think of being a temperance lecturer. 
 How does that strike you, boys. 
 
 Pat. Make us a spache and v/e'll tell ye. 
 
 Bob. All right. Ladies and gentlemen: If a 
 young man, to whom all in your community are 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 15 
 
 strangers, comes to live among 3^ou, don't stand 
 aloof with folded hands, and let the saloonkeepers 
 get ahead of you in offering him friendship, 
 and inviting him to social gatherings, for who 
 does not tr}^ to keep one from the saloon is as 
 responsible for his going there as the one who invites 
 him to go there, for who allows a wrong shares in it. 
 To the boys of this audience I willsa}^ if you. would 
 not be a slave to alcohol never take the first glass of 
 liquor. If you would escape the awful diseases 
 caused b3'' the tobacco habit, never taste the weed in 
 any form. Grasp all the information that you can 
 on the effect of alcohol and tobacco on the human 
 system and 3'ou vrill sureh' never taste either. 
 
 Pat. Whin I git big I believe I'll go over to auld 
 Ireland and make some spaches like Bob's. But 
 wont I go for the saloonkeepers ? 
 ' Dick. The saloonkeeper will probably retaliate 
 and go for you, and if you don't get out of their way . 
 in less than five minutes the3^'ll kill 3^ou. 
 
 Pat. Thin I'll git out of their wa^' in less thin 
 five minutes. 
 
 Dick. Then ^^ou'll be a coward. I'd rather stand 
 ni}' ground for five minutes anyhow than to be a 
 coward. 
 
 Pat. vShure, und it's me that would ruther be a 
 coward for five minutes than be a dead man the rest 
 of me life. R03-, it's your time now. 
 
 Roy. Well, I should think so; so I'll take the 
 floor. I intend to be a politician like .pa, and run 
 for office. I'm keeping m3^self posted up on the po- 
 litical news. I read all about the contested seats in 
 the Legislature and in Congress. 
 
 Bob. It will make no difference how well versed 
 3'ou are in political news, you'll have to change your 
 tune about the farmers before 3'ou can be elected to 
 an}' office. In this da}' woe unto the candidate 
 
16 SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 
 
 who looks upon farmers as being mere drudges and 
 inferiors. 
 
 Roy. Well, if anybody sa^^s I look upon farmers 
 thus, it's a political lie. I think farmers are as good 
 as anybody and worthy to be on an equality with the 
 greatest men in our land, so Will, I want you to just 
 put yourself on an equality with me. 
 
 Will. I'd have to blow ni}^ brains out. 
 
 Roy. I like your joking, but you're pretty inde- 
 pendent in your talk. 
 
 Will. Well, didn't I tell you farmers are an in- 
 dependent set. I want to fully impress this upon 
 your mind before you start out stumping. 
 
 Sam. Yes, and you had better study up on man- 
 ners, too. I saw you stand and stare at two ladies 
 you met the other day, until the}^ got out of your 
 sight. Were you admiring their camels-hair dresses? 
 
 Roy. How do you know they had on camels-hair 
 dresses ? 
 
 Sam. Why, I guess I could see the humps. 
 
 Ro}^ Well, to tell the truth, I did not notice 
 THKiR DRESS at all, I was too intent on keeping a 
 portion of my own apparel from their view in case 
 they should look back, for I had just been sitting 
 under a farmer's apple tree, and the farmer's dog 
 came and contested my vSeat. 
 
 Dick. Ha, ha, ha, you'lIv do, Roy. Noav favor 
 us with a sample of your stump speeches. 
 
 Roy. With pleasure, if you'll conduct yourselves 
 like unto big folks at political speakings. 
 
 Sam. We will, and I will introduce you to the 
 audience like I recently teard your pa introduce a 
 fepeakdfi You J^tattd ba^ till I get through. La- 
 dies atid gentieirieii: I Mte the llonof of .intrndticing 
 to you a gen tiemaii whij^is known frotti Maine! , to 
 feenaebee atld from Cal^fr^riiig to Sacramento ' n fiepr^ 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 17 
 
 tienian whose name as a statesman and patriot has 
 >pread all over the length and breadth of our land 
 ciud is a household word in ever}^ home, and is so 
 firmly fixed on the minds of our people, that it can 
 never for one moment be forgotten by a single indi- 
 vidual in this countnr. This gentleman of such note 
 
 is none other than the Honorable Mr. Mr. 
 
 tlie Honorable Mr. Mist er Honorable Mist er 
 
 Turning to Roy) What is 3^our name; I've forgot- 
 ten. (Ro}^ tells him.) Oh, yes, the Honorable Mr. 
 Ro}^ vvho w^ill now addrevSs 3^011. 
 
 Roy. (Applause.) Ladies and gentlemen: I feel 
 highly honored b}^ the gentleman's eulogistic intro- 
 duction of in}- humble self to this veiy intelligent au- 
 dience. (Great applause.) I fear ni}' remarks w411 
 fall far short of the expectations of this w^orth}^ as- 
 sembly (Boys applaud.) But I am in the hands of my 
 friends in the service of my party. Our's is the 
 party for the mavSses, instead of the classes, and is 
 the only political part}' which is composed entirely 
 of honest, upright and intelligent people. (Appluse. ) 
 I w^ant to say right here, If I am elected, and I 
 SHALTv be, I will look after the interests of all claSvSes, 
 especialh' farmers, and I w^ant you to remember 
 wdien 3^ou vote for me 3^ou vote for an honest man 
 who has the good of our people at heart. There is 
 no shoddy about me. I'm all W^OOL and a yard 
 WIDE. (Spreads out his arms.) I understand there 
 are some persons present wdio desire to ask me some 
 questions. I'm now ready and shall be pleased to 
 answer an}' questions. 
 
 Will. What made 3'ou leave our party and come 
 out against old }>Ir. Hanks ? 
 
 Roy. I didn't leave your party, your party left 
 me. 
 
 Will. Oh, you cokhrt keep up, eh? Well, 
 Hanks is an able man and I think I'll vote for him; 
 he's o:ood enou'^h. 
 
i8 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Roy. Certainl}^ Mr. Hanks is an able man, a 
 VERY able man, btit he's held the office for the last 
 ten years. You don't want to keep the same man in 
 one office ahva^vs, do 3^ou ? Holding office is like 
 farming. You are a good farmer, and you believe 
 in the rotation of crops, don't 3^011 ? 
 
 Will. Yes, but I'm not going to plant last ^^ear's 
 potatoe patch in skunk cabbage for the sake of rota- 
 tion of crops. 
 
 Dick. Mr. Speaker, what is a political caucus ? 
 
 Ro3^ I think it's where a lot of men get together 
 and vote as one man tells them to. 
 
 Bob. Mr. Ro}^ give us \^our \^ews on the Tem- 
 perance question, if 3'ou please. 
 
 Ro3\ I would be pleased to do so, biit that v/ould 
 be out of order at a political • meeting. I think 
 whisky shxOuld be kept out of politics. 
 
 Sam. If you had said whisky should be kept out 
 of politicians 3-ou'd have hit the nail on the head. 
 
 Bob. That's so, Sam; I think 3^ou make a good 
 judge for our court. 
 
 Ro3^ If there are no more questions I will close 
 m3' remarks. On election da3^ you voters must re- 
 member to vote for me earhv' and often, and watch 
 the other side or they Vv^ll get in fraudulent votes. 
 (Applause.) Ladies and gentlemen, I thank 3^oufor 
 3^our high appreciation of m3^ remarks, (Applause.) I 
 would like for all of 3"OU to com^e to the stand at the 
 close of this meeting so I can shake hands v/ith 3'OU. 
 Again I thank 3x^1. (Resumes his seat.) 
 
 Sam. Ladies and gentlemen, I propose three 
 cheers for our part3^ and Mr. Ro3^ — Hip, hip, hip, 
 (AH) Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! (603- s rush up to 
 shake hands with Ro^^) 
 
 Dick. Whooppeel Yonder com es Math; let's be 
 iRff in a hurry, now? 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 19 
 
 The other boys. All right. (All start oii whist- 
 Ung.) 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 DISTRICT SCHOOL ON FRIDAY AFTER- 
 NOON. 
 
 Characters: Teacher, Rufus, George, Charlie', John, 
 Lizzie, James, Mar}^, Ida, Willie, Joseph, Dora, 
 Sadie, Ruth, Luc}'. 
 
 Scene: — School in session. 
 
 Teacher. We will now have miscellaneous ex- 
 ercises. First on our programme is questions and 
 answers. Let each remember to stand while an- 
 swering a question, and also cite instances to verify 
 your answers. Who discovered America ? 
 
 Joe. It wasn't me. 
 
 Teacher. Well, 3'ou tr^- to find out VN'ho it v/as, 
 and tell us tomorrow. What is said of the pov/er of 
 the human voice ? 
 
 Luc^^ The human voice is povrerful enough to 
 tear down a house with. For instance, craz}^ Jake 
 tore down the stairs with a shrill shriek. 
 
 Teacher. If an^r of 3'ou are not satisfied with an 
 answer as given, don't be afraid to get up and say so. 
 What is a Demagogue ? 
 
 Rufus. A demagogue holds alcoholic liquors. 
 
 Mary. That's a demijohn. A demagogue is any 
 factious man, who has influence with the great body 
 of people in a city or community. 
 
 Ben. That's no sign he don't hold alcoholic 
 liquors. 
 
 Teacher. What is the noblest work of God ? 
 
 Charlie. It is said, "An honest man i.s the no- 
 
20 - SHORT DIALOUGES. 
 
 James. That aint so, for ni}^ mother is nobler 
 
 than ANY MAN. 
 
 Teacher. What is the promise to those who hon- 
 or their parents ? 
 
 Carrie. ''Honor thy father and mother, and th}^ 
 days shall be long upon the land. ' ' 
 
 Luc3^ I honored my parents yesterday, but the 
 da}^ was not a bit longer for me. I had to go to bed 
 as early as ever last night. 
 
 Teacher. What is true courtes}^ ? 
 
 Gsorge. True courtesy consists in always doing 
 as you would be done by, and never doing as 3^ou 
 Avouldn't be done by. For instance, don't look 
 around and pay no attention when one is talking to 
 you, and when he gets through ask him to repeat 
 what he said; don't jest at anothers's expense; don't 
 persist in talking on subjects that the rest of the com- 
 pany know nothing about; don't ridicule the imper- 
 fections of others; don't boast of 3^our ancestors, for 
 you cant soar on their fame. 
 
 James. The less a man amounts to, the prouder 
 he is of his ancestors, and does little else but boast of 
 them, and depends on their fame to carr}- him 
 through the world, but he generall}^ finds himself 
 left, aniyoiiiniy b^ sure his ancestors couldn't be 
 proud of him. The question in this countr^^ is not 
 what were your ancestors and what did the}' do, but 
 what are you, and what have you done ? 
 
 Lizzie. I think the most general question in this 
 country is, what are 3'ou worth ? We'd better keep 
 still about our remote ancestors, for according to 
 Darwin, the}^ did nothing in the world but monke}^ 
 around. (Willie begins to whistle.) 
 
 Teacher. Who is w^histling in school ? 
 
 Joe. Mk ! Didn't you know I could whistle ? 
 
 Teacher. Wlty no. But you mustn't whistle in 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 21 
 
 school. Can you tell me v»'liat whisk}' does to a 
 man when he drinks it ? 
 
 Wille. Don't you know ? It makes him drunk. 
 
 Charlie. Whisky kindles up a fire in a fellow's 
 stomach which cooks his brain. 
 
 Teacher. Who was the strongest man that ever 
 lived. 
 
 John. It is said the strongest man that ever lived 
 was Samson, but I think Jonah was the strongest 
 man. For instance, the whale couldn't hold him af- 
 ter he got him down. (Willie goes noisily to get a 
 drink.) 
 
 Teach. Willie, see if you can go back to 3'our 
 place more quietly. Go like a mouse. 
 
 Willie. All right. (Gets down and creeps along 
 on his hands and feet. ) 
 
 Teacher. Willie, get up. You ma^^ come and 
 sit b}^ me for the present. (Willie gets up and sits b}' 
 teacher. ) What is honest}' ? 
 
 Sadie Honest}^ is to think, speak and act the 
 truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, 
 for instance, Simon Peter and Andrew, his brother, 
 were noted for honest}-, because they owned up 
 that they had been fishing all night and hadn't 
 caught anything. 
 
 Teacher. Ruth, what is absent-mindedness ? 
 
 Ruth. Absent-mindedness is forgetting who you 
 are. For instance, A man put a card on his office 
 door saying, "Out, will return soon," and on his 
 return he sat dowm on the step to vvait for himself. 
 
 Teacher. Which are the most dangerous straits ? 
 
 Ida. The most dangerous straits are wliisk\' 
 straits, but if you never take the first drink }'Ou'll 
 never get into these strait?^. 
 
 T^-acher. Dora, do you know anything aboiit 
 disappointments? 
 
22 SHORT DIALOUGES. 
 
 Dora. Everybody knows something about disap- 
 pointments. This world is full of them. For in- 
 stance, I started to make my doll a bonnet, and it 
 came out a pair of pants. 
 
 Charlie. If at first you don't succeed, try, try 
 again. 
 
 Teacher. John, what is an anthem ? 
 
 John. Well, if I say, Bill, give me that blue 
 book, that is not an anthem, hnt if I sa)^ Bill-Bill- 
 Bill-give-give-give-give me, give me that-Bill, give 
 me, give me that blue, give me that blue, blue-book, 
 book-Bill give-give me that-that blue-blue book- 
 book-book-book, all-men Bill, givemethatbluebook, 
 book, ah-men, wh}^ that is anthem. 
 
 Ida. An anthem is a sacred piece of music set to 
 words taken from the Scriptures. 
 
 Teacher. That's correct. Joe, can you tell who 
 wrote the Declaration of Independence ? 
 
 Joe. It wavSn't mk. 
 
 James. It is thought that Thomas Jefferson was 
 the author of the Declaration of Independence. 
 
 Ruth. I think Abigail Adams was its author. A 
 prominent newspaper, commenting on one of her let- 
 ters to her husband, John Adams, said, "Here was a 
 declaration of independence preceding by seven 
 months that v/hich has become so famous. It should 
 never be forgotten that side by side the men and 
 w^omen of the Revolution objected to and protested 
 against taxation without representation." 
 
 Teacher. Who began the late civil war ? 
 
 Joe. I never. 
 
 Ida. The Confederates, luider Gen. Beauregard, 
 ; began the war b}' an attack on Fort Sumter. 
 
 Teacher. Willie, 3^ou can go to your seat, now. 
 (Willie gets up but stands still.) 
 
 Teacher. What are you waiting for ? 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 23 
 
 Willie. I'm waiting for the present. 
 
 Teacher. The present ? What for ? 
 
 Willie. For sittin' b}^ you. You told me to vSit 
 b3^ 3'ou for the present. 
 
 Teacher. Well, go to 3'our seat, novr, and I'll 
 see what I can find for 3^ou. (Goes to his seat.) 
 We will hear 3^our composition, Dora. 
 
 Dora. Boys is nw subject. Bo3'S is awful wear- 
 in' on ever3^thing but soap. When a bo3^ does an3^- 
 thing mean he never feels a bit bad about it, but 
 just goes ahead having a good time. A girl isn't 
 that Vv^a3\ Aunt Luc}^ heard there was going to be 
 a C3^clone down where she lives, so she sent her three 
 bo3^s up to vSta3^ at our house till it blowed over, and 
 the3^ hadn't more'n got there till the3" had the cat 
 shut up in the flour chest, and broke up our sitting 
 hens. The3' laughed at me 'cause I'se a girl, and 
 were so naught3^ I had to send m3^ doll awa3' from 
 home to keep them from corrupting her morals. 
 The3' knocked off our green fruit, and just turned 
 things topS3^-tur^^e3^, and just 3^eHed and hollered 
 around like mad. vSo papa Vvrote to aunt to please 
 take her bo3\s home and send the C3^clone up. M3^ 
 papa is so nice I think he must have been a little 
 girl v/hen he was a little bo3^ If I hadm3^ wa3% one- 
 half of the little boys in the world would be little 
 girls, and the other half would be dolls. The end. 
 
 Teacher. Next, we will hear 3'0uressa3^, George. 
 
 George. The tobacco habit. It *vSeems strange 
 that this habit is so prevalent, when it has been 
 proven that tobacco, either smoked or chewed, at- 
 tacks all the functions essential to life, beginning 
 with the center, the heart. On being asked as to the 
 effect of tobacco on the brain, a prominent physician 
 replied, "I don't know. Nobod3^ who has an3^ brains 
 uses tobacco. " Of course he was onl3^ joking. But 
 still, when I see a stranger smoking I feel sure he is 
 
24 SHORT DIALOGUES . 
 
 not a college professor, a scientist, or a preacher, or 
 a noted lecturer. The tobacco habit is a ver}^ filth}^ 
 habit. Horace Greeley- said: "Go to a crowded gath- 
 ering where a few smokers have introduced them- 
 selves, a cigar projecting beneath the nose of each, a 
 fire at one end and a fool at the other, and mark 
 how the puff puffing transforms the air; they are 
 wanting in appreciation of what is due to others. 
 An eminent preacher calls the smoking car a pig- 
 pen on wheels. I'll never use tobacco in any form, 
 for nicotine, one of it products, is the most powerful 
 ner^^e poisons known and has no known antidote. 
 I heard that one drop of nicotine on a dog's nose 
 will kill a man. 
 
 Teacher. John, how" vvas it I saw you making 
 faces when George was reading ? 
 
 John. I don't know. I held ni}^ slate up so I 
 thought you couldn't see nie. 
 
 Teacher. Well, don't you let me catch you mak- 
 ing faces again. 
 
 John. I won't if I can help it. I didn't aim for 
 3'ou to catch me at it this time. 
 
 Teacher. Be still now. Rufus, we will hear 
 your composition next. 
 
 Rufus. Girls is my subject. I wouldn't be a 
 girl for an3'thing, 'cause then I couldn't play foot- 
 ball, nor climb trees, nor do anything but pla^^ with 
 dolls and such silly things as that. I have four 
 brothers, Ike and Joe and Jim and me, and nary 
 girl among us to be all the time hollerin' at ma to 
 make us be vStill. T'other da}/ vv^e were turning sum- 
 mersaults and tr3'ing to see who could holler the 
 loudest, when Miss Prude came in, and she said to 
 ma. "I should think four such boy would destroy 
 your piece of mind /^ That riled Ike, and he up 
 and aaid to Mi.^B Prude, ''Ma's got a whole mind. 
 She dnt Ukf yow.-^ But ina Baid, "Boys will b^ 
 
SHORT DiAlvOGUES. 25 
 
 boys." Then Miss Prude said, "It's a pity one of 
 your bo3^s hadn' t been a girl. " Sol up and said, 
 "I'd like to know who'd a been 'er. I wouldn't a 
 a been 'er, Joe v/ouldn't a been 'er, Ike wouldn't a 
 been 'er, and we all know Jim wouldn't a been 'er, 
 'cause when the preacher said 'You must all be 
 born again,' Jim cried right out in meetin', he was 
 so 'fraid he'd be a girl next time." 
 
 Teacher. I expect 3^ou will change your opinion 
 about girls b}^ the time 3^0 u are grown. Lizzie, we 
 will hear your essay now. 
 
 Lizzie. Guard well th}- thoughts, for thoughts 
 are heard in heaven. As we think, so are we. 
 How important it is that we not only harbor no evil 
 thoughts, but that we think good thoughts. Evil 
 thoughts may unbidden comb but thc}^ don't unbid- 
 den STAY, and onh' so far as w^e harbor a thought 
 are we responsible for its results. As are our 
 thoughts so are our Vv^ords. I think it was Todd 
 who said, "Remember that every w.ord 3^ou utter 
 wings it way to the throne of G-od, and is to affect 
 the condition of 3''our soul forever. ' ' As our happi- 
 ness depends on our thoughts, let us be ever on the 
 alert for a good thought, and w^hen we find it, as we 
 certainh^ will, for no one ever looked in vain for good, 
 let us hold it up for others to enjo3^ and straight- 
 wa3" unselfishh^ apply it to some good purpose, so 
 shall w^e accomplish that for which this life v/as giv- 
 en us, and glorify/ our Father in Heaven. 
 
 Teacher. Has an3'one an3^ questions to ask ? 
 . George. If our ancestors were monke3''S, as Liz- 
 zie intimated the3^ were, wdiat are w^e ? 
 
 James. Wh3^, we're dudHS, of course, for it is 
 plain to ever\diody that a dude is a monke3^ without 
 a tail, 
 
 Mary, Which is the highe;st mottntain of North 
 America? 
 
26 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Teacher. Joe, can you answer that question ? 
 
 Joe. 'Taint mk. 
 
 Ida. According to the latCvSt bulletin of the 
 American Geographical Society Mt. I,ogan is the 
 highest mountain of North America; it is 19,500 
 feet high, therefore, by 1,500 feet higher than Mt. 
 St. Elias in Alaska, which has been thought the 
 highest. 
 
 Sadie. Who \vas George Washington's father ? 
 
 Teacher. Can't some of you little bo3'S tell us 
 who George Washington's father was ? 
 
 Joe. It w^asn't me. 
 
 John. George Washington's father w^as the 
 grand-father of his countr3\ 
 
 Ida. What is the meaning of "Make hay w^hile 
 the sun shines?" 
 
 Rufus. I guess it means that 3^ou've got to make 
 all the money 3\ou can before Congress takes up, so 
 as to have something to live on till it's out. 
 
 Sadie. I think the meaning of "Make hay while 
 the sun shines," is do good every time you have an 
 opportunity, and don't vv^ait for a more convenient 
 season to do what you ought to do now\ 
 
 Teacher. It is time for the closing ceremony. 
 The standard-bearer will please present the flag. 
 (Standard-bearer retires to get the flag. Joe falls 
 ofl' the bench, and hastily getting up says: "It 
 w^asn ' t me . " ) (Laughter . ) 
 
 Joe. Teacher, they are laughing at me. 
 
 Ida. We w^ern't laughing at you, but at what 
 3'OU did and said. (Re-enter standard-bearer wdth 
 the flag and displays it at the teacher's desk, wdiere- 
 upon the flag salute is given.) 
 
 Teacher. Why do w^e honor and salute our flag ? 
 
 Ruth. Because it is the emblem of the best 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 27 
 
 government that 'ere the sun shone upon. Love 
 of country is closely allied to love of G^d, and the 
 salute to the flag is one of the means by which the 
 little citizens of this Republic express their gratitude 
 to God for the great privileges and opportunities 
 which the S3"stem of education in the public schools, 
 established and maintained b}^ the State, confers up- 
 on and gives them, so with the salute begins the pa- 
 triotic education of the children of the Republic, and 
 with such education abroad in our land our country 
 will be safe, and our flag continue to be honored by 
 all the nations of the world. 
 
 Teacher. School is dismissed now. 
 
 (Scholars march out quieth^ preceded b}^ standard- 
 bearer with flag.) 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 THE SOCIAL. 
 
 Characters: Mr. and Mrs Gruff, Mr. Dude and 
 Miss Dudine, Mr. Sharp, Miss Outspoken, Mrs. 
 Witty, Mrs. Knowall. 
 
 Scence. — Mr. Gruff coimting monev. Enter Mrs. 
 Gruff". 
 
 Mrs. G. There now I have put the baby to bed 
 and got everything ready for our little vsocial. 
 
 Mr. G. This lamp don't look like it's been 
 trimmed for a month. I can't hardl}^ vSee how to count 
 this money. I wivSh there was no such a thing as an 
 election. Here I've got to pay a fellow on the oth- 
 er side a lot of mone}^ because the election went 
 wrong, and we'll have to live more economically or 
 we'll be broke up. 
 
 Mrs. G. I'll have to have five cents to buy a 
 paper of pins. 
 
28 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 I 
 
 Mr. G. What's become of that nickle's worth 
 you got last year ? I can't spare you any money 
 now to squander on pins; we can't afford luxuries 
 these hard times; but it's about time for the folks 
 to come, and it don't look to me like you've ar- 
 ranged an3^thing right for the social. %P^u've fixed 
 the chairs wrong, and got the piano in the wrong 
 place, f 
 
 Mrs. G. And worst of all, I'm afraid I've put 
 the wrong baby to bed. There, I believe I hear 
 some of the folks at the door now. I'll go and see. 
 (Starts.) 
 
 Mr. G. Don't you tell any of them that I bet on 
 the election. 
 
 Mrs. G. You need'nt be afraid I'll tell that. I'm 
 too ashamed of it. ( Exit ) 
 
 Mr.G. I'll bet she'll tell it. A woman can't keep sj> 
 secret to save her life. (Re-enter Mrs. G., UvShering: 
 in Mr. Dude, Miss Dudine, Miss Outspoken, Mr. 
 Sharp and Mrs. Witty. Miss Dudine and Miss Out- 
 spoken are seated, one on the right, the other on the 
 left of Mr. Dude, the rest are seated on the opposite 
 side of the room.) 
 
 Mr. D. (Aside.) Miss Dudine I'm so glad you 
 came heah to-night. I was afraid I would be the 
 only one of the upper ten here, and the evening 
 Would be a pufect drag to nle. 
 
 Miss D. (Aside.) I'm delighted to see you 
 here Mr. Dude, I was fearful I would be the only 
 one of our set here, and I'd have a dull time of it. 
 But ar'nt the vStars bright to-night ? I wish I'd stud- 
 ied botany. ^ 
 
 Mr. D. It's a pleasure to know the botanical 
 names of the stars. (Turhitig to Mi&B 0.) I beg 
 your tjardon Mia^ Outspoken^ 1 had forgotten you 
 wem Itaah, Vm ateeiit-mitided, don't you know. \ 
 
 IMwd Q, Y^«i I noticed the absence 6f mind. . 
 
SHORl" DIALOGUES. 29 
 
 Miss D. Mr. Dude are 3''0U acquainted with I\Irs. 
 Witty. 
 
 Mr. D. No, but I'm not hankering after an in- 
 iroduction to her. She does'nt look so ver3^ stylish. 
 
 Miss D. No, but I'm afraid she will think hard 
 of me if I don't give her an introduction to you. 
 I'd hate for her to think I slighted her. She is 
 quite wealth}'. 
 
 Mr. D. Oh, well trot her out then. 
 
 Miss D. Let us just step across the room to her 
 and as soon as the introduction is over we can come 
 back here. . 
 
 Mr. D. Alright. (They go to Mrs. Witty.) 
 
 Miss D. Mrs. Witty, this is Mr. Dude. 
 
 Mrs. W. (Courtesies, looks at Dude a moment, 
 then says,) "Trot him back." 
 
 Mr. D. Ah now^ Mrs. Witt}' you needn't think 
 you can get shed of me that eas}'. I've heard of 
 3^our w^it and I'm going to sta}' here and have a chat 
 with you. 
 
 Mrs. W. Oh, I could easih' hear eveiy thing you 
 said from where 3'ou and Miss Dudine were sitting, 
 and I'm sure I can speak so 3^011 can hear me from 
 there and will not feel a bit slighted if 3'ou go back 
 there. 
 
 Mr. D. Wasn't it bad form tor 3'ou to sa}', "trot 
 him back ?" 
 
 Mrs. W. Possibh' it was, but no worse for 3-0U 
 to say "trot her out." (Enter Mrs. Knowall with 
 shawd over her head.) 
 
 Mrs. K. Good evenin' folks, I like to a been late 
 didn't I? 
 
 Mrs. G. "Better late than never." Take a 
 chair. 
 
 Mrs. K. (Takes off shawl and sits down.) I'd 
 
30 SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 
 
 ruther be late than to have to lose time waiting for 
 other folks. 
 
 Mr. S. When you find out what a treat we're to 
 have this evening you will be glad you came 
 anyhow, if 3^on couldn't get here early. We are 
 going to have a tableaux. 
 
 Mr. K. Law^s, I know'd it. I smelt 'em. 
 
 Miss D. Mr. Gruff do you enjoy cantatas ? 
 
 Mr. G. I did'nt knovv^ they ever canned 'taters. 
 
 Mrs. K. Laws, I knowedit. 
 
 Mrs. W. There, Mr. Sharp, I reckon you are 
 convinced now that women are more knowing than 
 men are. 
 
 Mr. G. The}' had better not know so much than 
 to know so many things that ar'nt so. But if they 
 knew as much as they think they do they'd be em- 
 ployed in political campaigns. 
 
 Mr. S. Well there are two women who are 
 more employed in political campaigns than any 
 number men, and the do more harm, break up more 
 friendships and cause more bitterness in politics than 
 all others. Happil}^ they're soon forgotten after 
 election. Their names are Campaign Lies and 
 Election Bets. 
 
 Mrs. W. Just as I expected, the^^ are women 
 only in name, and neither of them ever had any 
 mother. 
 
 Mr. G. Campaign lies may be soon forgetten, 
 but I'll have to make a good deal of money before I 
 can forget the last election bets. 
 
 Mrs. W. Well Mr. Gruff, when w^e women get 
 hold of the reins of government we'll banish election 
 bets from this country by confisticating, for educa- 
 tionat wrpo^e^i all mptiey^ Woti mi sltch bets, and 
 dteirancmse the partklf aMl§ iH §uck bets^ 'til the^ 
 learn sense enoiigh %e aiiit iti 
 
SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 31 
 
 Mr. S. lyet's give women the right of suffrage 
 immediately. What sa}^ 3^011 Mr. Gruff and Dude ? 
 
 Mr. D. I say a women had better sta}^ in her 
 sphere, and keep out of pohtics. She'd better stay 
 at home arid tend to her business raising her children. 
 
 Mrs. W. That's the last argument to which 
 anti-suffragists resort when beaten. 
 
 Mr. D. Weil I'll nevah marr}^ a strong-minded 
 woman. 
 
 Mrs. W. Well I guess yon won't. 
 
 Mr. G. Women would pla3^ smash with the gov- 
 ernment if thcA^ were allowed the right of suffrage. 
 It is necessary to keep a great mau}^ secrets in poli- 
 tics, and ever3^bod\^ knows that women can't keep a 
 secret, besides the}' don't know an^^thing about what 
 offxces are to be filled. I vv^as told 3'esterday that we 
 have two congressmen at large in this state, and I'll 
 bet there aint a women around here who knew that. 
 
 Mrs. K. Laws I knovv'ed that. I heard, 'em lavSt 
 night. M3" old man thought it was gas escaping 
 from the gas well, but I knovred it was nothing but 
 some of them noisy critters at large. 
 
 Mr. S. You are prett3^ hard on Congressmen, 
 Mrs. Knowall. Aim 3^ou afraid the3^'ll retaliate ? 
 
 Mrs. K. Laws no. The3^ jist make a noise, and 
 I'm not afeared of the biggest noise that ever lived. 
 
 Mr. G. Wh3' din't 3'our old man come along 
 with 3'ou, Mrs. Knowall? 
 
 Mrs. K. He was afeared of the night air. 
 
 Mr. S. I'm afraid he's getting old-womanish. 
 
 Mrs, W. I hope he is, for then he will not be 
 old-manish, which is so much worse. 
 
 Mr. S. Miss Dudine, didn't 3'ou go to school to 
 me a few 3' ears ago ? 
 
 Miss D. Yes sir, and I feel indebted to 3'ou for 
 nil I know 
 
32 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Mr. S. Pray, don't mention such a trifle. 
 Mr. D. Did any of you see my black-faced awn- 
 telope to-da}^ ? 
 
 Mrs. W. I didn't know you had a black-faced 
 aunt. 
 
 Mrs. K. Laws I knowed it. 
 
 Mr. S. I'm afraid they're getting ahead of you, 
 Dude. 
 
 Mr. G. (Aside.) I'll tell 3'OU how to get even 
 w^ith Mrs. Witty, Dude, just ask her her age, but 
 you'll not find it out from her. A woman's age is 
 the ONK secret she can keep, and you can't per- 
 vSuade, nor surprise her into telling it if she don't 
 want it known. 
 
 Mr. D. (Aside.) It\s bad form to ask a lady her 
 age, but I'll find out Mrs. Witty 's age from her 
 without her dreaming w^hat I'm about; see if I don't. 
 Mrs. Witty, I understand that this is not 3'our na- 
 tive town. How old were \'ou w^hen you moved 
 here? 
 
 Mrs. W. I was about 20 years old. 
 
 Mr. D. How long have you been living here ? 
 
 Mrs. W. Ever since I was about 20 years old. 
 
 Mr. Arn't you glad 3^ou found out? 
 
 Mr. D. I guess you are right. Gruff. Miss Out- 
 spoken, I've been wanting to ask you what made 
 you hold 3'our liandkerchief to your nose when I 
 was smoking in the street car wdiere you were ? Does 
 it annoy you for a gentlemen to smoke in your 
 presence ? 
 
 Miss O. I can't tell 3^ou; no gentleman ever 
 smoked in m3^ presence. 
 
 Mr. D. Ha, ha, I see you 3^ou're fond of joking. 
 
 Mr. S. Mrs. Witty, according to your argument 
 that people are responsible for what they could pre- 
 vent, 3^oung ladies are responsible for 3^oung men 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 33 
 
 smoking in public, for if all young ladies would 
 speak out as plainly and truthfully about this habit 
 as does Miss Outspoken, young men would surely 
 quit it. 
 
 Mrs. Witty. That might stop the young men 
 from smoking in ptiblic, but w^ait till women are al- 
 lowed their rights to help make laws, and we will 
 have a law against any one's smoking in public and 
 vitiating the air which others must breathe. 
 
 Miss D. I'm tired of hearing of woman's rights. 
 I've got all the rights I want. If allowed to vote 
 we'll have to stand up in street cars like men do. 
 (Puts some wax in her mouth and goes to chewing 
 vigorously.) 
 
 Mrs. W. When we get the suffrage, I think that 
 no one will have to stand up in street cars, for we 
 will make a law that those who can't get a seat can 
 do as they please about pa3dng an^^ fare. 
 
 Mr. S. I reckon you will also pass a law against 
 ladies chewing gum in public, for isn't this habit 
 nearly as harmful as smoking ? 
 
 Miss O. No, for it injures only the one who in- 
 dulges in it, while smoking may be injurous to those 
 around one who indulges in it. Since it has been 
 conceded that chewing gum may cause insanity, this 
 habit is waning. 
 
 Mr. S. Perhaps another cause for the falling off 
 of the chewing gum habit is, that indulging in it is 
 said to spoil one's looks, for women are vain you 
 know. 
 
 Mrs. W. Of course women are vain, and equally 
 of course men are not vain. Wh}^ the head of the 
 handsomest man present looks like he hadn't looked 
 in a mirror to-da3^ (Each man present slyl}^ takes 
 from his pocket a mirror and combj and looking in 
 the mitroti ^6trtb«> his hair») 
 
34 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Miss O. As to who are more vain, men or wo- 
 men, I think it is six of one and half a dozen of the 
 other, as it is in about ever3'thing else. 
 
 Mrs. G. That't what Miss Green sa^^s. 
 
 Mr. D. Don't you think Miss Green is foolish? 
 
 IV^rs. W. No, not at all. 
 
 Mr. D. An3?^body who flirts is foolish, and Miss 
 Green flirted with me all last evening. 
 
 Mrs. \y. Well, then she is foolivSh. 
 
 Mr. D. Mrs. Witty, do 3^ou know ni}^ family 
 name dates back several hundred years ? 
 
 Mrs. W. That's nothing; mine dates back before 
 the flood. 
 
 Mr. S. Dude, the only way to win in an argu- 
 ment with a woman, is to walk off when 3^011 have 
 stated 3^our side of it. But Mrs. Witty, I've never 
 seen an3^ account of an3' of 3'our famil3' sailing in 
 Noah's ark. 
 
 Mrs. W. Of course not. The3^ had an ark of 
 their own. 
 
 Mr. D. You'd bettah have walked off and not 
 waited for an answer, Mr. vSharp. 
 
 Mr. S. That's so. It makes a man feel small to 
 be out-argued b3^ a lady, doesn't it ? 
 
 Mr. D. Well, I should think. Why, I feel like 
 an inspired idiot. 
 
 Miss O. But you don't look at all inspired. 
 
 Mrs. G. (Rising.) Please excuse me for awhile. 
 (Exit.) ^ 
 
 Mr. G. I'll bet I know something none of 3^ou 
 know. 
 
 Mrs. W. I should think you'd had enough bet- 
 ting. 
 
 Mr. G. Now, who's been telling you that I bet 
 on the election ? 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 35 
 
 Mrs. W. No one but 3^ou has told me anything 
 about it. But what is it you know that we don't ? 
 
 Mr. G. It's a vSecret, and I promivSed not to tell it. 
 
 Mr. Dude. Ah well, tell us anyhow, we'll nevah 
 breathe it to a soul. 
 
 Mr. S. And we'll help 3^ou to'keep it. (Aside.) 
 That is to keep it going. Let's have it. 
 
 Mr. G. Alright then, but 3^ou mustn't tell au}^- 
 body else. I had to promise not to tell it before it 
 was told to me. It is this, my wife's neice. Miss 
 Prim, is going to get married next month. Re- 
 member, now, this is confidential, and 3'ou must not 
 let it go an3^ further. 
 
 Mr. S. Of course not. But how did you find it 
 out? 
 
 Mr. G. M3^ wife told me. She is just like an3^ 
 woman, she can't keep a secret. 
 
 Mrs. G. Ladies and gentlemen, please walk out 
 to the dining room and have some refreshments, af- 
 ter which we will have tablaux. 
 
 Curtain. 
 
56 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 WHICH IS THE GREATER FOE TO OUR 
 COUNTRY, TOBACCO OR ALCOHOL? 
 Characters: — Five Boys. 
 
 ist. B. I think that tobacco is a greater foe to 
 our country than is*alcohol because it is a more se- 
 cret enemy, in that its evil tendencies are not so dis- 
 cernable to the masses as are those of alcohol, 
 hence there is not so much attempt to discourage its 
 use as there is to discourage the use of alcohol; yet it 
 is said to be as expensive as the latter, and it is its 
 nature as fully as it is that of alcohol, to produce 
 distressing and fatal diseases, and to stunt the body 
 and mind- of him who uses it; besides it may so dull 
 his finer sensibilities that he will smoke in the pres- 
 ence of others unmindful of the fact that this is an 
 infringement on their rights in poisoning the air 
 which they must breathe. As there is no legal bar 
 to his smoking any time or anywhere he chooses, he 
 often indulges in it in public assemblies, and thereby 
 many a boy is led on till he becomes a slave to this 
 habit. Some ladies who would draw aside their gar- 
 ments lest they touch the garments of one who is so 
 degraded as to drink in public, apparently think it 
 an honor to walk the street with a gentleman while 
 he is smoking. At a political meeting, the speaker, 
 being an inveterate smoker, was puffing at a cigar 
 on his arrival at the speaker's stand in front of the 
 assembty, but this did not seem to lose him any es- 
 teem, for he was applauded to the echo on stepping 
 forward to begin his speech, and at the close of the 
 meeting the "big-bugs" of the place rushed up to 
 shake hands with him and showed by their actions 
 that they wanted it to be thought that he was a par- 
 ticular friend of theirs. Whereas, had he taken a 
 drink of whisky before his audience, respectable peo- 
 ple would not have cared about its being thought 
 that thev were even acauainted with him. The am- 
 
mOVLt DlAtOGU]^^. 37 
 
 bitious boy is aware of all this, and is thus warned 
 that he must let alcoholic drinks alone if he would 
 realize his desire for becoming a popular public 
 speaker, but from appearances he judges that smok- 
 ing will be rather a help than a hindrance to his 
 reaching fame and fortune. He did not know that 
 said speaker's sudden death from heart failure was 
 due to the smoking habit, for such things are gener- 
 ally kept secret from the public. Tobacco often so 
 depraves the appetite as to give its victim a thirst 
 for stimulants which whisky is quickest to meet, so 
 we see that besides its own harm tobacco is responsi- 
 ble for much of whisky's harm, by causing the ac- 
 quiring of the alcoholic habit, "That which does 
 no good does harm," and we know that tobacco 
 does no good, and is unnecessary in any of life's 
 callings, while alcohol is useful and very necessary 
 in many of these callings, as in the successful treat- 
 ment of diseases. 
 
 2nd B. I don't see how you can believe that 
 tobacco is more harmful than is alcohol. Why, there 
 are many intelligent persons who hold that tobacco 
 is beneficial to the health and tends to longevity, but 
 no one claims either of these for alcohol. We see on 
 all sides of us old men whose finer sensibilities re- 
 main acute, and who are apparently robust and 
 strong in body and mind, 3^et they have used tobacco 
 almost all their lives. But we don't see any such 
 old MEN who have used alcohol a greater part of 
 their lives. Alcohol not only blunts a man's finer 
 sensibilities, it kills them, so that he becomes in- 
 sensible to the fact that shooting at random into a 
 crowd of people or using profane and indecent lan- 
 guage in the presence of others is an infringement 
 on their rights. As to the tobacco habit creating an 
 appetite for alcoholic drinks, it is well-known that 
 thousands of persons who are addicted to the use of 
 tobacco have nqt the smallest desire for such drinks, 
 
38 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 but are as good and worthy temperance men as can 
 be found. The public, to a great extent apparently 
 measures the disgrace of a man's drinking by his 
 worldly pOvSseSvSions or his station, the greater his 
 w^ealth or his fame the less the esteem he losses 
 through getting drunk, so that this habit seems to 
 bring no reproach on a vkry wealth}^ man, or a very 
 famous one. An eloquent orator stands before an 
 audience, to all of whom it is evident that he is a 
 little tipsy, so he has done the same as to drink in 
 public, but that does not hinder him from being 
 applauded and lionized by man}^ of the respectable 
 persons in the audience, and some attribute his elo- 
 quent and rousing vSpeech to his being half drunk. 
 The boy who sees and hears all this may conclude 
 that the drinking habit tends to make one an eloquent 
 orator and may be thus induced to acquire this habit, 
 for he is kept in ignorance of the fact that it was 
 alcohol which caused the aforesaid orator to be 
 stricken with hopeless insanity a short time after his 
 said speech. Scientific investigation and extended 
 experience prove that alcohol is unnecessary in the 
 practice of medicine and worse than useless in the 
 treatment of diseases, while it is acknowleged that 
 tobacco is good for reducing or preventing obesity 
 and diseases. Alcohol is the work of art. while 
 tobacco is the work of nature, and v/hy does it grow 
 if it is of no use ? I pause for a reply. 
 
 3d. B. I suppose it grows for like purposes to 
 other poisons, since it contains a poison which will 
 produce death quicker than any other except prus- 
 sic acid, and those old tobacco users of whom we 
 heard happen to possess constitutions sufficiently 
 vigorous to overcome this poison, so far, but I'm 
 not going to risk using tobacco lest I find out too 
 late that I have not the natural power in my system 
 to overcome this poison and so would be a slave to 
 it henceforth, for it is said that the tobacco habit is 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 39 
 
 even harder to shake off than is the alcoholic habit. 
 Smoke when it enters the mouth absorbs the putrid 
 emanations which it finds there, and diffuses them 
 in the atmosphere. It is disgusting to reflect that, 
 as you walk the crowded thoroughfare and are com- 
 pelled to take in the fumes of a thousand cigars and 
 pipes, you are respiring the foul effluvia from de- 
 ca\^ed teeth and filthy mouths and diseased lungs. 
 Habitual smokers ver3' often suffer from palpitation 
 of the heart, and even from intermittent pulse — a 
 beat being occasionally missed. This is called the 
 tobacco heart, and frequently prevents its possessor 
 from obtaining life insurance. Intelligent persons 
 claiming that tobacco^ tends to longevity' and is ben- 
 eficial to health and has curative power, only ren- 
 ders it a more dangerous foe to our people, for 
 science disproves these claims. The claim that it 
 protects from disease has long since been exploded. 
 The evils that it claims to cure are of it own mak- 
 ing. It is simpl}^ a bad habit that uses 3''OU for its 
 slave. The use of tobacco acts on. the salivar}^ 
 glands, causing a profuse flow of saliva at first, 
 followed by a thirst that v/ater w^ill not quench — 
 hence, the desire for strong drink. True, there are 
 thousands of persons who are addicted to the tobac- 
 co habit that never touch alcohol in any form, but 
 there are very few drunkards who do not use tobacco. 
 This proves that a far greater number are subject to 
 its evil tendencies than are subject to the evil ten- 
 dencies of alcohol. The fact it prevents obesity is 
 l3ut an argument against it, showing that he who 
 uses it for this purposes is too vv^eak-minded to com- 
 prehend that it would be a great deal v/iser to eat 
 less and exercise more to keep from getting too fat. 
 If it is desirable to reduce the flesh of a horse, his 
 master doesn't go to feeding him tobacco, he simply 
 feeds him le.ss corn and oats. I will admit that to- 
 bacco is not entirely useless. It is useful in killing 
 
46 SHORT DIAI^OGUE^. 
 
 bugs and dudes, and it saves a fellow who smokes i 
 extensively from having to spend but little, if any 
 time in combing his hair, for according to eminent 
 medical authority, .smoking undoubtedly causes bald- 
 ness by saturating the tissues of the body with nico- 
 tine, which disturbs the healthful functions of the 
 body and tissues and affects the nutrition of the hair 
 bulbs. 
 
 4th B. However injurious tobacco may be to the 
 physicial body, no one can truthfully say it corrupts 
 the morals as alcohol does and this is sufficient proof 
 that the latter is a greater enemy to our nation than 
 is the former, for on our morals we stand or fall. 
 As this is a free country, where the majority rules, I 
 infer that the m&jority of our people cannot, or at 
 least DO not, discern the evil tendencies of alcohol, 
 else they would certainly prohibit the rum traffic 
 herein since they could if they would. In the last 
 yellow fever epidemic at Jacksonville, Fla., the fever 
 being in a mild form vStruck fatally only those who 
 who were addicted to the use of alcohol, yet from 
 outward appearances you cannot discern that such 
 diseases would strike a drunkard fatally, nor that he 
 would be liable to bleed to death from a slight wound 
 but such is the case. 
 
 5th B. The colored preacher said, ''Now bredren 
 dar am two roads in dis life. One am a broad an 
 narrow road dat leads to perdition, de other am a 
 narrow and broad road dat leads 10 destruction,** 
 whereupon Sambo jumped up and said, ' 'Den dis nig- 
 gah takes to de woods. ' ' And if all that you boys 
 have said of tobacco and alcohol be true, it is the na- 
 ture of one to produce miseiy and evil and of the oth- 
 er to produce evil and miser}^ ; so this boy takes to the 
 prohibition woods where there is no possible danger 
 from either of them; and boys, to clear from our 
 own door all responsibility for the prevalence of the 
 tobacco and alcoholic habits, let us do all we can 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 4^ 
 
 toward dispeling the ignorance as to their effects on 
 the human system. 
 
 Curtain* 
 
 DISCUSSION IN SCHOOL. 
 
 Characters: Teacher, Gertie, Mary, Winnie, jane, 
 Albert, Luc}'-, Homer, and others if convenient. 
 
 Scene. — School in Session. 
 
 Teacher. It lacks a few moments of time for re- 
 cess. How shall we spend these moments ? 
 
 Gertie. Let's spend them in a little discussion on 
 '*How can one accomplish the most good?" 
 
 Teacher. Very well. Some one may start the 
 discussion. 
 
 Mary. There are so many ways of doing good, I 
 hardly know how to begin on this question, but as 
 our individual gifts differ, so do the wa3'S in which 
 each can accomplish most good differ, hence, each 
 must solve the question for self. According to our 
 gifts, so is the good we may accomplish. 
 
 Win. And according to the USE we make of our 
 gifts, so is the good we do accomplish. It is not al- 
 ways the naturally most gifted who accomplish the 
 most good, for gifts may be wonderfully improved 
 by cultivation. In our various studies some of us 
 find one faculty deficient and some another, but by 
 turning our special attention to any one defect we 
 may overcome it, and thereby do good. 
 
 Albert. I believe that. We know a carpenter can 
 drive a nail better than others because he has turned 
 his attention to that. The blacksmith can shoe a 
 horse better than others because that is his business. 
 So by making it our business to strengthen a weak 
 faculty we will soon notice improvement in that di'. 
 
42 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 rection, and thus be enabled to do more good than 
 we otherwise could. 
 
 Homer. As conscience without the resolution to 
 obey it is useless, so unless we form good habits and 
 good resolutions and stick to them., our natural gifts 
 may be useless so far as accomplishing good is con- 
 cerned. 
 
 Lucy. There is nothing better than being hap-, 
 py, hence, the more happiness one dispenses the 
 more good one does. And as thoughtlessness of 
 speech causes more unhappiness, perhaps, than any 
 other one thing, so kind and thoughtful speech is 
 productive of as much happiness as is anything else. 
 By seeking to turn conversation into channels of joy, 
 truth and charit>" at one's every opportunity, and 
 having the moral courage to speak out in defense of 
 the absent, one dispenses much happinCvSS. 
 
 Gertie. A kind voice is a power for good, and 
 this we all ma^^ have by cultivating our voices in 
 that direction. There is often as much depends on 
 the tone of voice in which a thing is said as on w^hat 
 is said. If every pupil in the public schools of our 
 land would turn his or her attention to the cultiva- 
 tion of a kind voice, and make a business of saying 
 only kind words to others, then the saying "Many 
 a coffin is covered with roses by person who never be- 
 fore gave its occupant anything but thorns," might 
 cease to be true. 
 
 Mary. A sweet temper and a kind smile are each 
 a source of much happiness and benefit to humanity. 
 A weary looking man was resting by the roadside, 
 w^hen a little girl came along, and on seeing him 
 she smiled and said: "You are tired, arn't you?" 
 The man said, "I was, till I saw you smile." 
 
 Win. True politeness is another source of happi- 
 ness and likewise of good. Even dogs appreciate 
 politeness avS is evidenced by the following, viz: "A 
 
SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 43 
 
 brave terrier, belonging to a lady, one da}^ discovered 
 a monke}^, belonging to an itinerant organ-grinder, 
 seated on a bank in the grounds and at once made a 
 dash at him. The monke}^ who was attired in jack- 
 et and hat, awaited the onset w^ith such tranquility 
 that the dog halted within a few feet of him. Both 
 animals took a long, steady stare at each other. 
 When the dog was evidently recovering from his 
 surprise and was about to make a spring for the 
 monke3^ the latter raised his paw and gracelulty sa- 
 luted b}^ lifting his hat. The effect was magical. 
 The dog's head and tail dropped and he sneaked 
 off. ' ' Boys, b}^ alwa3's being as polite as that mon- 
 key, we might be great peace-makers. 
 
 Jane. One who hails every other human being as 
 a brother or sister, who never deals in malice or rid- 
 icule, and who does good not onh^ as he or she has 
 opportunit}', accomplishes immeasurable good. 
 
 Albert. Since clubs are the st3de, wh}^ can't we 
 start a "Do Good Club," at which to discuss wa3'S 
 and means for making the world better, and to tell 
 of the good deeds that we know of others perform- 
 ing. 
 
 LrUC3'. That would be a delightful club to belong 
 to. Telling the people of other folk's good deeds is 
 the next best thing to doing them yourself. Saying 
 and doing good are catching, and when we get our 
 club started I wouldn't be surprised if the whole 
 neighborhood would join it. Teacher, why don't 
 3^ou help us in this discussion ? 
 
 Teacher. I do not think 3'ou need an3^ help. 
 Your discussions would do credit to much older folks 
 than 3^ou. But our few moments are up now. At 
 pla3^ time remember to put into action the good 
 tilings 3'ou have said, if there is any occasion for do- 
 ing so, and 3'ou can have more fun. We'll have a 
 few moments recess now. 
 
 Curtain. 
 
44 SHORT DIAtOUGES. 
 
 EVENING CAI^LERS. 
 
 Characters: Dr. Wisacre, Mrs. Wisacre, Joe, boy 
 about grown; Jimmy, little boy; Judge Sage, Miss 
 Gossip, Mr. Officeseeker, Miss Truth, William 
 Broadbrim and wife, Charity, Preacher New Pat- 
 rick. 
 
 Scene. — A room in which are Dr. and Mrs. Wise- 
 acre and Joe. 
 
 Mrs. W. Joe, I hear you are paying a great deal 
 of attention to Miss Rose. I cant vSee how anyone 
 can admire her. 
 
 Joe. That's because you're no judge of beauty. 
 
 Dr. W. Remember, beauty is but skin deep. 
 
 Joe. That's deep enough for me. I aint no can- 
 nabal. 
 
 Dr. W. Joe, you ought to learn to use better 
 grammar. Take my advice to think before you 
 speak. 
 
 Joe. I tried that, but it wouldn't work at all. I 
 always forgot what I was going to say. 
 
 Dr. W. My father wouldn't let me talk that 
 saucy to him. I had to do as he advised me to 
 whether it would work or not. 
 
 Joe. Your father surely wasn't very smart. 
 
 Dr. W. (Angril3^)I'll let you know my father 
 was a good deal smarter than your father is. ( Joe 
 laughs.) You needn't laugh; it's so. (Joe takes his 
 hat and starts out.) Where are you off to now ? I 
 wish you'd sta}^ at home of evenings. 
 
 joe. Oh, I'm just going to see some girls. 
 
 Dr. W. (Sternly.) Did you ever know me to go 
 after the girls when I was a young man ? 
 
 Joe. No, but I guess ma did. (Exit.) 
 (Enter Jim with his coat torn.) 
 
 Mrs. W, Jimmy, what are you doing out this 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 45 
 
 time of night? And how did you get your coat torn? 
 I hope you haven't been fighting again. 
 
 Jim. No'm, I was just keeping a bad little boy 
 from hurting a good little boy. 
 
 Mrs. W. You dear, noble child. You shall have 
 a piece of cake for that. Who was the good little 
 boy? 
 
 Jim. Me. 
 
 Dr. W. Jimmy, our parrot has been saying pro- 
 fane and bad words to-day. Have you been teach- 
 ing it to say them ? 
 
 Jim. No, I've been teaching it what it mustn't 
 say. 
 
 (Enter Judge Sage, Wm. Broadbrim and Charity, 
 Truth, Preacher New.) 
 
 Dr. W. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 
 you've given us a surprise this time. 
 
 Mrs. W. Yes, and a very agreeable surprise it is. 
 Please be seated. 
 
 (Enter Officeseeker and Miss Gossip.) 
 
 Off. You folks can't fool us. We found out you 
 
 were coming here this evening. So we came too. 
 
 (Shakes hands with all.) 
 Miss Gossip. (Sitting down by Jimmy.) Hello, 
 
 Jimmy, I heard you robbed a bird's nest to-day. 
 
 How can you be so cruel as to rob a poor little bird 
 
 of her eggs, and cause her to wail like her heart 
 
 was broken. 
 
 Jim. Guess the bird I robbed to-day wont wail 
 much. You've got her on your hat. 
 
 Preacher. Dr. Wiseacre, I noticed you were at 
 church last Sunday morning. I hope you derived 
 profit from the service. 
 
 Dr. W. I assure you, sir, I drop business and ^t- 
 teild church on Sunday without hope of profit: 
 
46 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Mrs. W. The eongregation seemed deeply stirred 
 by your sermon, Brother New. 
 
 Preacher. Yes, I noticed a great deal of restless- 
 ness. 
 
 Truth. I enjo3^ed the sermon very much, didn't 
 3^ou, Judge ? 
 
 Judge. Can't say I did. I couldn't catch a wink 
 of sleep during the whole of it. 
 
 Gossip. I always did enjoy that sermon, Brother 
 New. 
 
 Off. It was a splendid sermon. It carried me to 
 the gates of heaven. 
 
 Jim. Why didn't you dodge in. You may 
 never get another such a chance. 
 
 Mrs. W. Jimmy, keep still unless you are spok- 
 en to. 
 
 Preacher. I saw 3^ou digging in the garden last 
 Sunday, Jimm^^ Don't you know it is wrong to 
 work on Sunday only in a case of necessity ? 
 
 Jim. That was a case of necessity. A boy can't 
 fish without bait. 
 
 Preacher. But it is wrong to catch fish on Sun- 
 day. 
 
 Jim. I didn't catch any, couldn't git nary bite. 
 
 Off. Brother New, I'm a lawyer, and when I 
 plead a case before a jury, if I find I've made a mis- 
 statement I correct it immediately. How is this 
 with you? If you make a mistake when 3^ou are 
 preaching, do 3"OU stop and correct ^^ourself? 
 
 Preacher. • If I make much of a mistake I stop 
 and correct m^^self ; but if the mistake is slight I let 
 it go. For instance, once when I was preaching I 
 aimed to say liars, but I made a mivStake and said 
 lawyers, but I just let it go that way. 
 
 Miss Gossip. Brother New, how can such a 
 preacher as 3'OU deal in jest and nonsense ? 
 
SHORT DIAIvOGUES. 47 
 
 Broadbrim. "A little nonsense now and then, is 
 relished b}^ the best of men." An3^bod3^ who has 
 any sense at all, has some nonvSense. 
 
 Preacher. And as the ptilpit is not the place for 
 jokes and nonsense, I must dispose of mine else- 
 where. From Genesis to Revelations there is not a 
 single jest. 
 
 Broadbrim. That's so. Yet I'm certain there's 
 no harm in innocent jesting at proper times and 
 places. 
 
 Off. Don't you know, Mr. Broadbrim, ''WiSK 
 men hesitate; only FOOi^ are certain. 
 
 Broadbrim. I'm not so sure of that. 
 
 Off. I'm CERTAIN of it. (Laughter.) 
 
 Charity. Now thou hast a joke on thyself, 
 hasn't thee, friend Ofl&ceseeker. Let's change the 
 subject. 
 
 Broadbrim. Ver}' well. Jimni}-; if thy fine 
 chicken was to la}^ an egg, would thee give it to the 
 poor? 
 
 Jim. No, I'd sell it to Barnum. My chicken's a 
 rooster. 
 
 Miss G. What a bright and witty boy Jimmy is. 
 
 Off. I've noticed that bright witty boys are apt 
 to grow up into dull, stupid men. 
 
 Jim. What a bright witty boy you must have 
 been, Mr. Officeseeker. 
 
 Mrs. W. Jimmy, 3^ou must not be so impudent. 
 Beg Mr. Officeseekers pardon this minute, and tell 
 him you're sorr3\' 
 
 Jimmy. I beg your pardon, Mr. Officeseeker, 
 I'm sorry you're so dull and stupid. 
 (Enter Pat wearing very light colored troUvSers.) 
 
 Pat. Leddies and gentleman, my house and iv- 
 er^'thin^ in it was burned up last night, and I'm 
 
48 SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 
 
 around trying to raise money to help me git a start 
 agin. 
 
 Dr. W. Where/ s your certificate to show that 
 your house was burned. 
 
 Pat. Shure, and it was in the house, und got 
 burned up with the rest of the tihngs. I've had the 
 grip, to, and the right name it's got. It held on 
 thr a weeks after it let go, and I've lost my place. 
 Jedge, would yez give me a recommendation so I 
 kin get work. 
 
 Judge. Certainly. (Takes out note book and 
 writes.) 
 
 Off. Pat, what made you fight Bill Hit the other 
 day. 
 
 Pat. To make him quit quarreling with me. I 
 cum to Ameriky for peace, und I'm going to have it 
 if I have to fight for it. 
 
 Juudge. Here's your recommendation, Pat, 
 (Gives him a paper.) I've said you are honest, with 
 no compunctions of conscience, but I fear I've 
 strained a point in saying you're are sober. 
 
 Pat. Thin couldn't ye strain a point a little more 
 and say I'm frequently sober? 
 
 Judge. Oh, what I've said will do. 
 
 Pat. Alright. Much obleeged to you, Jedge. 
 Now, if I kin git work and if I kin git a leetle help 
 to git a start agin, we'll git along all right. 
 
 Charit3^ I will call on thy family tomorrow and 
 see what they need, and perhaps arrange to provide 
 them therewith. 
 
 Pat. May the holy saints bless 3^e. You're a 
 gintlemanly leddy, and sure. Good night. (Exit.) 
 
 Miss G. Pat was dressed something like a cadet, 
 was'n the* You ktloW cM^t^ were white pants. _ . ^ 
 
 Jirdi And so dd their e^istersi and their cousins 
 Ifeiid their aunts: 
 
SHORir DlAl.oaUES. 49 
 
 Mrs. W. Jimmy, it's time you weVc asleep. 
 What can I do to induce you to go to bed ^ 
 
 Jim. You can let me sit up a little longer ^ 
 Broadbrim » Friend New, I saw thee riding a bi- 
 cycle to-day* Isn't thee afraid sorne of the church 
 members will get thee tried for heresy, if thee don't 
 quit bicycling ? 
 
 Preacher. If they do, I expect I'll have 3''OU for 
 company, Brother Broadbrim, for I saw you playing 
 croquet the other da}'. If^^ou don't quit it won't 
 3^our church deal with you for unbecoming and friv- 
 olous behavior ? 
 
 Dr. W. And Mr. Broadbrim, I saw 3'oustop Mr. 
 Top from smoking in the ladies' waiting room at the 
 depot, the other day. Aren't 3'ou afraid \'ou'll get 
 churched for not minding 3'our own business ? 
 
 Broadbrim. It is every body Is business to inter- 
 fere with oppression and wrong on all occasions, and 
 smoking in the presence of others is oppression and 
 wrong, so I said to friend Fop "I heard a handsome 
 young woman sa}^ what a good-looking man Mr. 
 Fop might be if he didn't make a filth3' cigar holder 
 out of himself, ' ' whereupon he quit smoking in a 
 huny. 
 
 Off. Have anj' of 3'ou heard about our Bank 
 Cashier? 
 
 Dr. W. What about him ? Not defunct I hope ? 
 
 Off. That's just what he's done, and took with 
 him ever3^thing he could la3' his hands on. 
 
 Gossip. Well, I never! Trul}^ one-half of the 
 world don't know how the other half lives. 
 
 Truth. That's not your fault. Miss Gossip. 
 
 Mrs. W. I heard to-da3' that Mr. Saving is dead. 
 
 Off. Is that so ? I presume we lawv^ers will get 
 a pile of his money now, though he was so careful 
 
50 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 to keep us from getting any of it while he lived. Of 
 course his will wall be contested. 
 
 Gossip. Certainty, for they say his mind had 
 been failing for a long time. 
 
 Truth. They are mistaken. Mr. Saving's mind 
 remained sound to the very last. I presume this 
 fact will not be disputed, for he did not leave any 
 will. 
 
 Mrs. W. My ! but wont that be a disappoint- 
 ment to the lawyers ? 
 
 Judge. I fear the dissappointment will not be lim- 
 ited to the lawyers, for during the recent will con- 
 est the court room was crowded with spectators, 
 about tw^o-thirds of whom were ladies. 
 
 Broadbrim. Maybe they were interested either in 
 the case or the Judge. 
 
 Judge It is not probable that they were interested 
 in the case, for it was venued to this place on ac- 
 count of the contestants being strangers to the peo- 
 ple here, and their presence wasn't due to interest in 
 the Judge, or else they would attend court more, 
 which I wish they w^ould, for it is so much easier to 
 make the law^3^ers observe order, and keep within 
 the law, when there are ladies present at court. 
 
 Gossip, I attended court all the time during the 
 trial of the case mentioned. 
 
 Off. I saw you there, Miss Gossip, but did not 
 see you there at all, Miss Truth. 
 
 Broadbrim. I saw her there. 
 
 Off. What, were you there. Broadbrim ? I shouldn't 
 have thought 3^ou'd have enjoyed being there, 
 as I've heard Quakers don't know anything- about 
 law, 
 
 Judg^i They know enough about it to keep out 
 of it. But enoitgli about law, let'?^ change tt^^ Bub- 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 51 
 
 Preacher. That's what I say. Brother Broad- 
 brim, don't 3'ou think charity requires one to always 
 keep open and free a corner of his or her head in 
 which to make room for the opinions of others ? 
 
 Broadbrim. That depends. There is no charity 
 in crowding out of one's head benevolent opinions of 
 his or her own to make room for uncharitabe opinions 
 of others. 
 
 Preacher. Brother Broadbrim, wh}' didn't 3'ou 
 come out and mingle your prayers with our's for the 
 poor and needy ? 
 
 Broadbrim. I wasn't moved that way. 
 
 Judge. He couldn't have gotten his pra^^er into 
 the church an^^how, for it consisted of a big wagon 
 load of provisions which I saw him delivering to the 
 need3\ 
 
 Broadbrim. That Vv^as the answer to prayer. 
 When m}' wife and I pra3^ed that the poor in our 
 midst might be fed, our little girl said, "If I had as 
 much to feed them with as 3^ou have I'd go and an- 
 swer that prayer. " That's how we happened t- 
 think of it. 
 
 Preacher. — * 'And a little child shall lead them," 
 applies in this case, doesn't it? 
 
 Truth. The convensation is trending toward re- 
 ligion. 
 
 Charit3\ I note with pleasure that people gener- 
 ally are becoming more free to talk on religion, w^hich 
 I think shows that the world is getting more 
 religious. 
 
 Mrs. W. I believe that people who have religion 
 are pretty apt to talk about it. 
 
 Gossip. Judge Sage, do you have piuch need for 
 religion in your vocation ? 
 
 ji|dg^. One who has larg^dt^alinga with Wh fel- 
 
S^ SHORIf DiAtOOUES, 
 
 Truth* So does everybody else, Still th^re are 
 yet a great many persons who .seem to thhik it ^acrh 
 lege to talk on religion except in meetings for this 
 purpose. 
 
 Off. This is a queer world, isn't. 
 
 Broadbrim. Yes, F'riend Officeseeker, everybody 
 is queer except me and thee, and thee is a little 
 queer. (Laughs heartily.) 
 
 Off. I see you are fond of a joke, Brother Broad- 
 brim. 
 
 Gossip. I see he's fond of laughing also. 
 
 Mrs. W. That's all right. If God hadn't in- 
 tended for people to laugh, he never would have 
 made a monke3^ (Truth coughs.) 
 
 Dr. W. If you will take a dose of ni}^ medicine,- 
 Miss Truth, you will never cough again. 
 
 Truth. Is It so fatal at that ? 
 
 Charity. I think it's about time to go home. 
 
 Gossip. I think so too. So let us go. 
 Curtain. 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 53 
 
 THE MISSION OF FLOWERS. 
 
 CJiaracters: — Flora, Rose, Lilly, Myrtle. 
 
 Scene. — Four girls, each, carrying a bunch of 
 flowers. 
 
 Flora. Girls, let's sit down here and make bo- 
 quets out of our flowers. 
 
 Rose. Agreed. (All sit down and arrange flow- 
 ers into boquets, conversing meanw^hile.) 
 
 Lil}". Weren't we luck}^ to find so many flow^ers ? 
 There's no purer pleasure than hunting early wild 
 flowers. 
 
 M3Ttle. And nothing more enjoyable. 
 In the springtime, in the wildwood, 
 
 I love to wander forth, 
 And pluck the first w^ild flowers 
 That deck the beauteous earth. 
 
 Flora. So do I. 
 
 To find violets meekly blooming, 
 
 Upon a moss}^ bed, 
 And other flowers beside them, 
 
 In loveliness outspread, H 
 
 is joyful be3^ound measure. ^ 
 
 Rose. I think it is, for 
 
 The sight of flow^ers tends to give 
 
 One's thoughts a trend above 
 All evil, and each blossom seems 
 To whisper, ''God is love." 
 
 Lily. 'Tis plain one thing God made them for 
 Was, to tell us He meant 
 For us to be pure and cheerful, 
 And with our lot content. 
 Yet some folks wonder what flowers were made for. 
 
 Myrtle. God must have aimed them also to in- 
 culcate charity and humility, for 
 
 Emblems of unselfishnesss and 
 
S4 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 Humbleness are flowers, 
 They bloom alike for rich and poor, 
 Alike cheer each one's hours. 
 
 Flora. I think that ffowers are also meant, 
 Noble truths to reveal, 
 Among which are, ' 'Who doth most good, 
 Doth least in censure deal." 
 And 
 
 ' 'Joy's the root of morality, ' ' 
 And life of the pure mind, 
 Hence, one who happiness imparts 
 Makes better humankind. 
 
 Rose. By speaking charitable words 
 In kindl}^ voice, w^e may 
 Give more joy than could be given 
 In an}^ other way. 
 
 If by kind w^ords and deeds we prm^e 
 
 That we wish no one ill, 
 Then like the flowers so shall we 
 
 Our mission here fulfiill. 
 
 lyily. 'Tis said that flowers are thoughts of God, 
 ^ And if we only would 
 
 Alwa3^s keep our thoughts pure like they, ^ 
 We'd ne'er do aught but good. ^ 
 
 And moreover. 
 
 If, like they, we're peaceful, and 
 
 Innocent, and given 
 To bright' ning other lives, we'll help 
 Many to reach Heaven. 
 
 Mytle. Let us ever 
 
 Work for other's good and seek to 
 
 Spread cheer where'er we go. 
 So, like the flowers, we'll fulfill 
 
 Our mission here below. 
 Then 'twill be said to us, by the 
 
 One on the Great White Throne, 
 
SHORT DiAtOGUES. 55 
 
 ''By 3^our lives you've glorified Me, 
 Hence, Heaven is 3^our home. ' ' 
 
 Flora. That verse is good enough to quit on. 
 How did we happen to get our talk into poetr}^ ? 
 
 Rose. Because poetry and flowers are twin sis- 
 ters, I gness. But it must be nearly one o'clock, 
 and if we don't look out school will take up before 
 we get back. 
 
 Lfily. We'd better be going then, for one of our 
 missions is to be at school on time. 
 
 Myrtle. That's so. Let's hurry up so as not to 
 be tard}'. (Exeunt.) 
 
 Curtain. 
 
56 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 SEWING CIRCLE TALK. 
 Cha:racters: Six Ladies. 
 Scene. — Ladies sewing. 
 
 ist L. I hear the men call our sewing circle a 
 "Gossip Factory," and sa}^ it does more harm than 
 good, and should be discontinued. 
 
 2d L. The men had better sweep before their 
 own door and stop some of their evil factories before 
 they go to criticizing our doings. Their drunkard 
 factory, the saloon, does nothing but harm, and is 
 intended for the manufacture of nothing but degrad- 
 ed human beings. This fact is evident even to child- 
 ren. For instance, On seeing a ragged, bloated, 
 drunken man by a saloon door, a little boy ran in 
 and said to the saloonkeeper, "Say, Mister, your 
 sign's fallen down. ' ' Gossip factory or not, the sew- 
 ing circle never turns out such a degraded object as 
 that saloon vSign. 
 
 3d L. True, but no one v/ill escape the penalty 
 for doing a wrong simply because some one else does 
 ^a greater wTong. Our's is not the only sewing cir- 
 ^cler that is called a gossip factory, and it deser^^es the 
 name if it is like that one oi which a noted author- 
 ess said, "I ahvays make it a business to be present 
 at our sewing circle, so I wont be talked about 
 there." Though the sewing circle exists in the 
 name of charity, I fear its conversation is sometimes 
 most uncharitable and full of thoughtless speech. 
 
 4th L. Some one says, "Thoughtlessness of 
 speech has done more to injure woman than au}^ sin- 
 gle element in her life. If we would always observe 
 the Golden Rule when talking, none would have 
 cause to say aught against our conversation. 
 
 5th L. I don't care what anybody says, womens' 
 conversation is no more given to idle and uncharita- 
 ble gossip than is men's conversation. 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. 57 
 
 6th ly. That doesn't lessen the evil of such gos- 
 sip, or make it less incumbent on every woman to 
 prevent womens' meetings from meriting the name 
 of gossip factory. If every such meeting was blessed 
 with the presence of even onk who has the moral 
 courage and inclination to speak out in defense of 
 the absent, and to seek to make eveiy conversation 
 that is within her hearing trend toward wisdom, 
 charity and happiness, then the fear of being talked 
 about would, as an incentive for attending womens' 
 meetings, be displaced by the anticipation of pleas- 
 ure and profit from being present thereat, for ''Hope 
 of reward is a greater incentive to action than is fear 
 of fear punishment." 
 
 ist ly. Since reforms are fashionable, why not re- 
 form sewing circle talk, banishing therefrom all mal- 
 ice and unkindness, and in their stead have discus- 
 sions on scientific vSubjects, or on ways and means 
 for the suppression of evil and the uplifting of hu- 
 manity? Suppose we take the suppression of the 
 Gambling Habit for discussion to-day ? 
 
 2d ly. As women are not responsible for this hab- 
 it, I don't see how we can accomplish an}^ thing in 
 discussing the subject. 
 
 3d. I'm not sure that all women are free from re- 
 sponsbility for this habit. To be entirely blameles 
 for the prevalence of gambling, one must keep one' 
 talk free from all expressions which tend to sugges 
 to children's minds any thought of betting, and a 
 such expressions are made without any thought as 
 to their evil tendencies, we might do some good by 
 seeking to arouse thoughts therein. 
 
 4th ly. And while we are about it let us try to 
 arouse sentiment against buying chances at prizes. 
 I believe women are equally responsible with men 
 for this form of gambling. 
 
 5th L. If buying chances at prizes is gambling, 
 
58 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 then I know several church members who are 
 gamblers, for recently they paid fifty cents each for a 
 chance to secure a ten-dollar bible. 
 
 6th L. Seeking to win value or property without 
 rendering a just equivalent therefor, is gambling, 
 no difference how it is won. The principle of the 
 actor is judged by the motive of the action, and 
 what's the difference in principle between seeking to 
 get a $io bible for only fifty cents, and seeking to 
 win $9.50 by betting on a game of chance ? 
 
 ist L. I can't see as there is any difference in 
 PRINCIPI.K between these two acts. Betting on elec- 
 tions is another thing that respectable people don't 
 realize is gambling. But we women will soon be al- 
 lowed our inherent right to a say-so in legislation, 
 and then this form of gambling will be suppressed. 
 
 2nd ly. It seems that women can't talk any 
 length of time now da}' s wdthput getting onto the 
 subject of womens' rights. As for me I have all the 
 rights I want. The woman who dabbles in politics 
 does so at the risk of loosing man's approval. 
 
 4th L. Is man's approbation so necessary and 
 desirable that woman would be justified in sacrific- 
 ing duty, conscience, principle and patriotism for 
 it? "No woman has all the rights she ought to 
 want until she has a right to say, with authority, 
 that the world shall be a better place for woman to 
 live in. 
 
 5th ly. How time does fly when one is pleasurably 
 entertained. Here it is time for us to adjourn al- 
 ready. I've enjoyed this discussion so much, I'd 
 like to discuss something at all our meetings. How 
 would the evil tendencies of using wine in food and 
 at meals, do for discussing at our next meeting. 
 
 6th ly. As most of the- responsibility for the 
 existance of this evil lies at woman's door, it is a 
 very suitable subject for her to discuss. I^et us look 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES, 59 
 
 up information on this subject so as to be able to 
 sUvStain our arguments by scientific facts ;but it is time 
 I was at home. 
 
 ist L. It's time I was there too. 
 
 2nd ly. Me too. 
 
 3rd L. We had as well all go at once. (Exit.) 
 Curtain. 
 
 THE ALPHABET IN RHYME. 
 Characters — Class of several children. 
 
 (The first two verses and last two verses a to be 
 recited in concert b}^ the class.) 
 
 1 . We children know" so much. 
 
 We cannot tell you all, 
 But we all learned our letters 
 When we W'Cre quite small. 
 
 2 . And since then we have made 
 
 Such good use of our time, 
 That what each letter stands for, 
 We can tell 3^ou in rhyme. 
 
 3. A vStands for Adam, he ate the 
 
 Forbidden fruit 3'ou know% 
 Then went and told God that Eve w^as 
 To blame for his doing so. 
 
 4. B stands for beer, about w^hich 
 
 Woe, to him who lingers. 
 If one handles beer much, they say. 
 T'will rot off his fingers. 
 
 5. C stands for creeds. If we 
 
 Obey God's commands, then, 
 We'll have no time to quarrel 
 About creeds made Id}' men. 
 
6o SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 
 
 6. D stands for David. God who 
 
 Gave David power to slay 
 The giant, e'er gives power to fight 
 Giant wrongs of the day. 
 
 7. E stands for evil. The}' who 
 
 Put all evil thoughts to flight, 
 And seek and harbor but good thoughts, 
 Always say and do the right. 
 
 8. F stands for flag. Our flag 
 
 Is freedom's banner, and 
 It is the only flag that we 
 Have room for in this land. 
 
 9. G stands for galaxy, which is 
 
 The long, white milky way, 
 Stretched across the heavens. 
 It can't be seen by day. 
 
 10. H stands for Haman, who built 
 
 A gallows for Mordecai, 
 But Haman 's self was hung thereon, 
 And Esther's kin w^ent free. 
 
 11. I stands for Iceland, an island 
 
 Of volcanic formation. 
 J stands for justice. This should 
 Obtain in ev'ry nation. 
 
 12. K stand for kissing. 'Tis said 
 
 That kissing' s a good salve, 
 In fact, for sore lips I've heard. 
 It's the very best w^e have. 
 
 13. L stands for laughing. I'm sure 
 
 There is much good in that. 
 
 If careful when and where we 
 
 Laugh and what we laugh at. 
 
 14. M stands for mone}^ "The root 
 
 Of all evil," they say. 
 But all the same, mankind still 
 Strive for it night and day. 
 
SHORT DIALOGUES. $1 
 
 1 5. N stands for New Zealand, a land. 
 
 Where they let the women vote, 
 Hence at the poU^ they have order, 
 l^his is worthy of note. ' 
 
 16. O stands for ostrich, he caii 
 
 Run half a mile a minute, 
 When he wants to, but my, 
 Don't he have to spin it. 
 
 17. P stands for preacher, who strive^ 
 
 The way of life to teach. 
 ' 'Wise is the clerg^^nian 
 Who knows when not to preach. 
 
 18. Q stands for quarrels, which I 
 
 Can shun and so can 3^ou. 
 R stands for rum, if we will 
 We can all shun that too. 
 
 19. S stands for saloon, who works not 
 
 'Gainst it with might and main, 
 May hear God say to him, 
 
 ''Where is thy brother ? Cain." 
 
 20. T stands for truth, true to 
 
 The truth, I want to be. 
 For there's nothing bears such awful 
 Big crops, as a lie tree. 
 
 21. U stands for union. Ma^^ our 
 
 Glorious country e'er be, 
 A union unbroken, and aye 
 The blest home of the free. 
 
 22. V stands for victory. The greatCvSt 
 
 Of which is. that gained o'er self. 
 W stands for women, they'll soon 
 lyay Joseph on the shelf. 
 
 23. X stands for Xerxes, he caused 
 
 To be whipped the Egean, 
 'Cause its waves broke his bridge of 
 Boats. What a foolish man. 
 
62 SHORT DIALOGUES. 
 
 24. Y stands for yule-log, a big 
 
 Log used, as you may know, 
 For the basis of the Christmas 
 Fire a long time ago. 
 
 25. Z stands for zephyr. It is 
 
 A soft and gentle breeze, 
 So mild it scarcely stirs 
 The leaves upon the trees. 
 
 26. There! You've found out we're knowing 
 
 From what you've just heard, 
 Though perhaps when we told you, 
 You doubted our w^ord. 
 
 27. But there's a trite old saying, 
 
 'Spect you heard it in your youth, 
 It is this, "Children and fools 
 Generally speak the truth," 
 
 Curtain, 
 
r^iETAL EDGE, INC. 200b 
 PH 7.5 TO 9.5 RA.T. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 022 204 644 {