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 #orUon 
 
 A FARCE COMEDY PLAYLET 
 
 BY 
 
 JONAS A. ROSENFIELD 
 
 rite Jf If tp Cental /. 
 
#orlion ^E«sus (gortion 
 
 A Mock Trial Playlet for Purpose of 
 Zionist Propaganda. 
 
 BY 
 
 JONAS. A. ROSENFIELD 
 
 DALLAS. - TEXAS 
 

 7^*° ^^3 
 
 Copyright, 1917 
 
 by 
 
 Jonas A. Rosenficld. 
 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 / 
 
 MAR 30 1917 
 
 >CI,0 46510 
 
Dedicated to 
 
 my wife 
 
 who gave me faith in myself 
 
 and to 
 
 the Zionist Movement 
 
 which gave me faith in 
 
 the Jews. 
 
GORDON vs. GORDON. 
 
 A mock trial playlet for purposes of Zionist propaganda. 
 
 by 
 Jonas A. Rosenfield. 
 
 {The scene is laid in a modern court 7'oom. There is the 
 usual furniture of judge's desk, clerk's desk, tvitness stand, 
 chairs, tables for the lawyers, etc). 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 JUDGE MENDEL — Who presides over the court {dignified). 
 
 BENJ. TOBEL— Clerk of the court {stammers). 
 
 ABE SHOTSKY — Sheriff {fat, noisy and lazy). 
 
 JACOB BAUM — Attorney for plaintiff {cocksure, loud and 
 impudent) . 
 
 HERZL WALDM AN— Attorney for defendant {keen and 
 gentlemanly) . 
 
 GIGGLE CANS GORDON— Plaintiff {stout, pouting, preten- 
 tious, spoiled, hut good at heart). 
 
 MORDECAI X. GORDON— Defendant {excitable, amiable, 
 impidsive) . 
 
 MADAM MANIA — Zionist propagandist {poised and sedate). 
 
 DORA SCHMUS — Witness for Mrs. Gordon {weis alius type 
 — lots of self-esteem). 
 
 LEAH DONGUT — Witness for Bezalel {refined and artistic). 
 
 SAMUEL TOBIAS— National fund witness. 
 
 ARTHUR LEVINE — Emergency fund witness. 
 
 MADAM PATRIA— Composer of ALL HAIL AMERICA, Na- 
 tional Anthem. 
 
 THE EIGHT GORDON CHILDREN— Named Halukkah, Pin- 
 sker, Schapiro, Brandeis, Herzl, Wolffsohn, Nordau and 
 Ben Yehudah, respectively. 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 THE PLAY. 
 
 (The play opens with the stage unoccupied save for the 
 clerk busy at his desk and the sheriff asleep. The clerk aivak- 
 ens him and he proceeds to call the court to order) . 
 
 SHOTSKY— O yez! yez! yez! the Twenty-third Dis- 
 trict Divorce Mill is now called to order. (A few seconds lat- 
 er plaintiff and defendant, accompanied by their counsel, saun- 
 ter into the room. Mrs. G. weeps and her laivyer tries to com- 
 fort her. Follows Dongut, who sits on the side of the defen- 
 dant. Then Madam Mania enters with an air of amused dis- 
 dain. A little later the Judge enters and all stand until he is 
 seated) . 
 
 JUDGE — (Looking at his docket and reading). The first 
 case is ASKER vs. ASKER. (No response, louder) . ASKER 
 vs. ASKER. (Still no response). Mr. Clerk why are these 
 parties not ready? 
 
 TOBEL — The 1-1-lawyer for the p-p-p-plaintiff t-t-t-told me 
 last night at the club that his client could not come today, be- 
 cause she had a d-d-date to see F-F-Francis B-B-Bushman in 
 the "Lingering Love." 
 
 JUDGE — Case is continued for good cause. 
 
 (At this point cou7't is interrupted by the eight Gordon 
 children ivho file in chaperoned by Miss Schmus — just before 
 they sit doivn behind the mother they discover their father 
 and say) : 
 
 CHILDREN — Hello, pa-pa! (all in one voice). 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 SHOTSKY— Order in the court. 
 
 JUDGE — (Reads docket and calls next case) : GORDON 
 vs. GORDON. 
 
 BAUM — Plaintiff announces ready, your honor. 
 
 WALDMAN — Defendant announces ready, your honor. 
 
 JUDGE — Swear all the witnesses, Mr. Clerk. 
 
 (All stand, including the eight little Gordons and hold up 
 the right hand). 
 
 TOBEL — (Holding up his right hand). You and each of 
 you d-d-do solemnly swear that in the testimony you are about 
 to give in this case you will tell the t-t-t-truth, the whole truth 
 and nothing but the t-t-t-truth so help you G-G-G-God. 
 
 (All say, "We do," but the children say it in one voice last 
 of all) . 
 
 WALDMAN — (Rising). I don't believe, your honor, that 
 the children understand what an oath is. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— (i^zsm^). O, yes, they do. They have 
 heard their father swear often enough. Why only the other 
 day he — 
 
 JUDGE — (Pounding with his gavel). Sit down, Mrs. 
 Gordon. We must have order in this court. 
 
 (Some of the children commence to cry) . 
 
 MRS. GORDON — See there, Judge, you scared them with 
 your knocker. 
 
 JUDGE — Mr. Sheriff, go over there and amuse the chil- 
 dren. 
 
 (The Sheriff goes over to the children and takes from his 
 pocket rattles and trhikets to amuse the children, and comes\ 
 quickly to his seat as all his by-play must be done quickly so 
 as not to detract attention from the main proceedings) . 
 
 JUDGE — Let us proceed with this case. 
 
 BAUM — (Advancing before the Judge's desk and read- 
 ing his petition, during which the defendant gets very much 
 agitated) . 
 
10 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 STATE OF TZOROSS, 
 COUNTY OF GOYIM. 
 
 In 23rd District Divorce Mill of Goyim County, State of 
 
 Tzoross, February Term, 1917. 
 To the Hon. Judge of said Court: 
 
 Now comes Giggle Gans Gordon, who resides in Goyim 
 County, State of Tzoross, complaining of Mordecai X. Gor- 
 don, of the same county and State, hereinafter styled de- 
 fendant, and for cause of action plaintiff represents to the 
 court that she is an actual, bona fide inhabitant of the State 
 of Tzoross, and has resided in the said County of Goyim for 
 at least six months next preceding the filing of this suit ; that : 
 
 1. Plaintiff was lawfully married to defendant on or 
 about the 15th day of February, 1907, on board ship, com- 
 ing over 'to America. That when defendant had said at that 
 time to this plaintiff: "The sea is not so blue, as my love for 
 you," plaintiff experienced a sinking feeling around the heart, 
 which she thought at the time was love, but which now she 
 believes to have been nothing more than sea-sickness. That 
 they have continued to fight it out as man and wife, from that 
 day until this, but that defendant's conduct toward this plain- 
 tiff is so harsh, cruel, neglectful and improper that life any 
 longer with him is insupportable. 
 
 2. Plaintiff further shows to the court that she has al- 
 ways been a dutiful and loving wife and in accordance with 
 defendant's express desire she has borne him eight children, 
 which said children he has given the names of many promi- 
 nent Zionists, although many of said children were and still 
 are girls. Plaintiff says that when she looks upon her dim- 
 pled, curly-haired daughter, whom her husband has insisted 
 on calling Ben Yehudah, it breaks her heart and causes her 
 great mental anguish. 
 
 3. Plaintiff alleges that on or about December 5th, 1914, 
 while defendant and she were apparently happy, there came 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON ' 11 
 
 to the city in which she resided a certain Madam Mania, a fe- 
 male Zionist propagandist, whose mission in life was said to 
 be to help establish for persecuted Jews a permanent home 
 in Palestine, but whose mission in reality was to break up 
 Jewish homes in America by leading all Jewish husbands back 
 to Palestine. 
 
 4. Plaintiff shows to the court that under the influence 
 of Madam Mania the defendant ceased to be a domesticated, 
 home-loving animal, but commenced to run wild and spend 
 all his earnings for Zionist literature and to neglect his home 
 for speech-making with the aforesaid Madam Mania ; and that 
 defendant often, in speaking to this plaintiff, would absent- 
 mindedly call her Madam Mania instead of Giggle. 
 
 5. Plaintiff further shows to the court that whenever she 
 asked defendant for money to buy flowers or shrubbery he 
 would say: "Shucks! I only have shekels for trees in the 
 Herzl Wald." 
 
 6. Plaintiff alleges that when she pleaded with her hus- 
 band to save something for a rainy day, he replied that the 
 only Emergency Fund that he recognized was the one that 
 helped the poor Jews in Palestine; and that said defendant 
 drew out his savings in the local bank and sent them all to 
 the Anglo-Palestine Bank at Jaffa. 
 
 7. Plaintiff further shows to the court that defendant 
 would scatter all over the house queer little boxes, which he 
 called National Fun boxes, but that plaintiff could not see 
 any fun in stuffing these boxes with her pin money. 
 
 8. Plaintiff further shows to the court that defendant 
 would often outrage her motherly instincts by spanking all 
 eight of the children in succession, giving as his only reason 
 that he wanted his children to understand how the persecuted 
 Jews in Russia and Roumania had to suffer. 
 
 9. Plaintiff shows that defendant seems to have gone 
 crazy in decorating the house with rugs and brass jars and 
 
12 N GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 silver pieces from the Bezalel Institute, an Asylum in Pales- 
 tine. 
 
 10. Finally plaintiff shows to this court that defendant 
 persists in the dead of night in singing a song called "Hatik- 
 vah," which wakes up the children and this plaintiff and has 
 caused her to be on the verge of nervous prostration from loss 
 of sleep. 
 
 Plaintiff alleges that defendant's action and conduct to- 
 ward her generally are of such a nature as to render their 
 further living together as husband and wife insupportable; 
 the premises considered, wherefore plaintiff prays the court 
 that defendant be cited to appear and answer herein, for judg- 
 ment dissolving said marriage relations, for the restoration of 
 her maiden name, to-wit, Giggle Gans, for the permission of 
 this court to rename her children with proper, melodious and 
 human names, for the custody of said children, for costs of 
 suit and for such other and further relief, special and gen- 
 eral, in law and in equity, that she may be justly entitled to 
 and in duty bound will ever pray, etc, 
 
 JACOB BAUM, 
 Attorney for Plaintiff. 
 
 (Baum takes his seat and about 30 seconds later Waldman 
 rises, after quieting Gordon, and reads defendant's answer to 
 the court). 
 
 GORDON vs. GORDON. No. 66666. In Twenty-third Dis- 
 trict Divorce Mill of Goyim County, State of Tzoross. 
 Now comes defendant in the above cause, by his attorney, 
 and excepts to plaintiff's petition herein, and says that the 
 same is not sufficient in law to require him to answer, and 
 should be dismissed. Wherefore defendant prays judgment 
 of the court, and that he be discharged with his costs, etc. 
 
 HERZL WALDMAN, 
 Attorney for Defendant. 
 And for answer herein, if such be necessary, without waiv- 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 13 
 
 ing any of his exceptions herein, but still insisting on the same, 
 this defendant denies the main allegations in plaintiff's peti- 
 tion contained and says that same are not true in whole or in 
 p^rt; and of this he puts himself upon the country. Where- 
 fore defendant prays judgment of the court that plaintiff take 
 nothing by his suit and that he go hence without day with his 
 costs, etc. HERZL WALDMAN, 
 
 Attorney for Defendant. 
 
 In other words, your honor, the defendant asks that this 
 suit be dismissed, because his wife has been influenced by med- 
 dlesome neighbors to tell lies about him and because he and his 
 wife really love each other. 
 
 JUDGE — (Meditates a moment, then says:) The Court 
 holds that evidence shall be introduced before the Court will 
 reach a verdict in this case. Mr. Baum, proceed to introduce 
 your evidence. 
 
 BAUM — Take the stand, Mrs. Gordon. (His ^manner is like 
 a father to a child.) 
 
 (Mrs. Gordon shoots a look of contempt at her husband, 
 smiles on the Judge, and takes her seat in the witness chair.) 
 
 BAUM — State your name to the court. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— Giggle Cans Gordon. (Defiantly.) 
 
 BAUM — Just tell the Judge why you were named Giggle. 
 
 MR. GORDON — Because she cries all the time. 
 
 SHOTSKY — Order in the court. (Shouts it when Judge 
 pounds icith gavel.) 
 
 MRS. GORDON — Because up to the time I married I was 
 always happy and laughing. (She commences to weep again.) 
 
 BAUM — Tell the Judge when and where you were mar- 
 ried. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— It was in the middle of the Atlantic 
 ocean on the 15th of February, 1907. (She brightens, thinking 
 of the romance.) 
 
14 ' GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 BAUM — How do you remember the date so well, Mrs. 
 Gordon ? 
 
 MRS. GORDON — Because the day before was Valentine 
 day and the next day Mordecai gave me a beautiful Valentine, 
 that I've since found out some one else gave him, and 
 
 MR. GORDON— Why, Judge I did not! 
 
 JUDGE — Don't interrupt — Go on, Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 MRS. GORDON — I don't know where I was at now. 
 
 BAUM — Tell the Judge about the children. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— There are eight of them all told; and 
 there are no finer children in this world, if I do say so myself, 
 as I was telling my neighbor the other 
 
 BAUM — (Interrupting) — Never mind about that, Mrs. 
 Gordon: how many boys and how many girls? 
 
 MRS. GORDON— Five boys and three girls. 
 
 MR. GORDON — Judge, there are four boys and four girls. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— I say there are not. 
 
 MR GORDON— And I say there are. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— Well, I'm so excited I don't know how 
 many there are and what's more, I don't care. 
 
 (The Sheriff walks quickly over to Gordon and tells him 
 in a low tone that he will have to behave. Gordon becomes very 
 polite and says he will.) 
 
 BAUM — Keep cool, and go on, Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 Mrs. G. — Well, Mr. Gordon acts so crazy; he makes me 
 name all the children such crazy names. All the neighbors 
 make fun of me. 
 
 BAUM — What are the names? 
 
 MRS. G. — First there is Halukkah. Stand up Halukkah. I 
 ask you. Judge, does that beautiful child look like a Halukkah? 
 
 GORDON — I had a good reason for it. Judge, believe me. 
 
 MRS. G. — My husband's name. Judge, is Mordecai X. Gor- 
 don and the X stands for EXCUSE. Then there is Pinsker. 
 Stand up, little Pinsky. Does that look like a Pinsker, Judge, 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 15 
 
 I ask you? Then come Schapiro, Herzl and Wolffsohn. Stand 
 up, my darlings. Look at them Judge! I tell you it breaks 
 my heart! And then Brandeis, Nordau and Ben Jehudah. 
 Stand up, love hearts. Just look at that beautiful baby, my 
 baby Judith, that he named Ben Yehudah. (Mrs. Gordon is 
 about to cry again.) 
 
 BAUM— There ! There ! Mrs. Gordon ! Tell about your early 
 married life, Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 MRS. G. — We were so happy. {She sighs). Mordecai used 
 to always bring me something at night when he came home 
 and he used always to kiss me now he kisses the Mezuzah, 
 and he always called me pet names. 
 
 BAUM — What names, Mrs. Gordon? 
 
 MRS. G. — (embarrassed) O, I don't want to. 
 
 JUDGE — You must tell the court everything, Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 BAUM — Speak right out Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 MRS. G. — Well, he used to call me his little Google-Giggle. 
 
 (Laughter in the court room.) 
 
 SHERIFF— Order in the court. (Shouts.) 
 
 BAUM — Well, please go on, Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 MRS. G. — Well, about three years ago Mordecai came home 
 all excited one day in the middle of the afternoon. He said he 
 had just listened to the most charming, beautiful, eloquent 
 woman he ever saw and heard in all his life. 
 
 G. — Why, Judge, I never no such a thing. 
 
 MRS. G. — Yes you did, too. Said it right to my face, me 
 your wife. You said that her name was Madam Mania, and 
 that she was going to take all the Jews back to Jerusalem. 
 
 BAUM — Do you see her in this room? 
 
 MRS. G. — Yes, that's her right over there, the hussy! 
 (Points at Madam Mania.) From the day he met her, my hus- 
 band was a changed man. He would get up meetings for her, 
 go to little, nearby towns and organize societies of Zionists 
 
16 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 with her and often get so absent-minded that he would call 
 me by her name by mistake. 
 
 (At this juncture Gordon motions to the sheriff to come 
 to him and when he does G. gives him some money to get some 
 candy for the children. The Sheriff goes out to get the candy.) 
 
 BAUM — Well, tell the Judge whether or not your husband 
 provided for the support of you and the children. 
 
 MRS. G. — He gave us comparatively nothing. Once, when 
 I asked him for a little money for a flower garden, Pinsky 
 loves to plant flowers, he said something about Pinsky having 
 a tree in the Herzl Wald. Now I want to know, Judge, what 
 good a tree over in Palestine is going to do my little Pinsky 
 here? And when I would ask him to let me put something in 
 the savings bank, he up and says that we shouldn't be so 
 selfish ; that Madam Mania said Jews were dying in Palestine 
 and that he was giving all he could spare to the Zionist 
 Emergency Fund. And one day he came home and hung queer 
 little boxes all over the house. He called them "National Fun 
 Boxes," and when I told him I didn't see any fun in putting 
 all my pin money in such a little box, he said my mind was 
 as little as my heart. And I told him I guessed he learned to 
 say that from Madam Mania. (Cries again.) 
 
 At this juncture the sheriff returns with the candy and 
 Gordon tuith great show of affection directs the sheriff to 
 distribute a piece of big stick candy to each of the children. 
 (This must be done quickly and quietly.) 
 
 BAUM — Well, what was his treatment of the children? 
 
 MRS. G. — He hardly ever noticed them, except about once 
 a week he would whip each one of them in succession in order 
 to remind them he said how the persecuted Jews in Russia 
 and Roumania suffered. 
 
 BAUM — Now just state to the Court how that affected 
 you. 
 
 MRS. G. — I used to weep for hours, until I thought my 
 health would give way. Then, not content with cruelty to the 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 17 
 
 children, he seemed suddenly to go crazy on the idea of filling 
 the house with carpets, brass jars and silver pieces from that 
 Asylum in Palestine. I think they call it the Bezalel Institute. 
 Now, I'm very artistic. And colors that don't harmonize 
 make me shudder. These art things from Palestine gave me 
 a pain every time I saw them. 
 
 BAUM — Has your husband's conduct influenced or af- 
 fected your health in any way. (Tone of voice indicates he is 
 playing his trump card.) 
 
 MRS. G.— Affected my health? Why, he has a perfect 
 mania for singing a song he calls the Hatikvah at the dead of 
 night. He wakes up all the children and then / have to 
 quiet them to sleep. I have grown thinner and thinner from 
 loss of sleep and my doctor says that I am on the verge of a 
 nervous breakdown. (She commences to iveep again.) 
 
 BAUM — There, now, Mrs. Gordon, control yourself; and 
 just tell the court all about it. 
 
 JUDGE — Mrs. Gordon : do you think there is no way that 
 you and your husband could come to an understanding? 
 
 MRS. G. — Come to an understanding? Judge, I wouldn't 
 stand under no man. He has ruined my life, he thinks only 
 for Jews across the ocean and right now he is trying to steal 
 my children from me with candy. (She points an accusing 
 finger at the defendant, whose attorney is trying to hold him 
 down.) 
 
 BAUM — Take the witness. 
 
 WALDMAN — (Playfully) — Mrs. Gordon, you still love 
 your husband, don't you? 
 
 MRS. G. — (Contemptuously) . I won't talk to you. 
 
 WALDMAN — Your honor, I think the Court should make 
 this witness answer. 
 
 JUDGE — You should answer the question, Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 MRS. G. — (Defiantly and verging on hysterics) Well, I 
 won't ! 
 
18 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 JUDGE — (Taken hack, looking at the sheriff, then smiling 
 at Waldman). I think, under the circumstances, it will be best 
 to excuse the witness. You may call her back later. 
 
 (Mrs. Gordon smiles sweetly on the Judge, sends a hard 
 look at her husband and takes her seat) . 
 
 BAUM — Call Miss Schmus, Miss Schmus! 
 
 (Miss Schmus takes the stand — She is distinctly of the 
 "iveis alius" type) . State your name to the court, please. 
 
 MISS SCHMUS — Why, everybody knows my name. Dora 
 Schmus. 
 
 BAUM — Are you married? 
 
 MISS SCHMUS— Why of course not. Not that I haven't 
 had plenty of chances. 
 
 BAUM — What do you know of the married life or home 
 life of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon? 
 
 MISS SCHMUS— I know all of it (triumphantly). 
 
 BAUM — How did Mrs. Gordon treat her husband? 
 
 MISS SCHMUS— Better than he deserved. She used to 
 cook the loveliest gefilte fish and lep kuchel for him, and he 
 would sit at the table reading a magazine called the Maccabean, 
 "Maccatrouhle" I called it. And she kept the cleanest house 
 you ever saw, not a speck of dust, and he would come in late 
 at night from Zionist meetings in some poor neighborhood 
 with mud all over his shoes and say that he only wished it was 
 dirt from Palestine so he could track it all over the house. 
 
 BAUM— Take the witness. 
 
 WALDMAN — Miss Schmus, do you think that if a wife is 
 a good cook and housekeeper that's all a husband needs? 
 
 MISS SCHMUS— What else could he want? 
 
 WALDMAN — Did it ever occur to you that a man's soul 
 could be hungry and need companionship for his ideals? 
 
 MISS SCHMUS: (She looks at the Judge, like Waldman 
 is crazy.) What's a hungry soul? I don't understand such a 
 language. And ideals? I've heard about card-deals and real 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 19 
 
 estate deals, but ideals — I don't know what you talk. 
 
 WALDMAN — I shall ask you just one more question, Miss 
 Schmus. 
 
 MISS SCHMUS— O, that's all right— it's no trouble to me 
 — ^just take your time. 
 
 WALDMAN — Isn't it a fact. Miss Schmus, that your ill 
 feeling toward this defendant is due to the fact that you and 
 he were once sweethearts and he later married Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 MISS SCHMUS — (Colors up — looks like she would choke) 
 "YOU BRUTE, YOU" — (jams her handkerchief to her mouth 
 and rushes excitedly from the witness stand.) 
 
 BAUM — I should like to have Halukkah testify, your hon- 
 or. 
 
 (Baum has to drag and coax the reluctant Halukkah to 
 the stand, holding a stick of candy before him.) 
 
 BAUM— Now, Halukkah, don't be afraid. Just tell the 
 court why your father whipped you. 
 
 JUDGE — Wait a minuted Why is your name Halukkah? 
 
 GORDON — Because he is such a loafer. 
 SHERIFF— I say: Order in the court. 
 
 HALUKKAH— Shall I tell the truth, mamma? {Drawling 
 tone). 
 
 MRS. G. — Of course, Lukie, sweetheart. 
 
 HALUKKAH — My father whipped me, because my mother 
 said it was a man's duty to punish the children. (At this Gor- 
 don slaps his thigh in great delight.) 
 
 BAUM — Did you like for your father to whip you? (Gets 
 disgusted with the witness.) 
 
 HALUKKAH — Sure. I would rather have a whipping 
 than to stay in the house all day like mamma makes us. 
 
 JUDGE — I have heard enough from this witness. (Impa- 
 tient of time wasted.) 
 
 BAUM — Then the plaintiff rests her case, may it please 
 the court. 
 
20 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 WALDMAN — Take the stand, Mr. Gordon. (Gordon walks 
 smilingly to the stand — he radiates so much good-will it is 
 hard to keep from liking him.) State your name to the court. 
 
 GORDON— Mordecai X. Gordon. 
 
 JUDGE— What does the X stand for? 
 
 GORDON — You heard what my wife said, your honor, I 
 never dispute with a lady. 
 
 WALDMAN — When did you first become interested in 
 Jewish Nationalism? 
 
 GORDON — When I first heard that song that every na- 
 tion has a flag but the Jew. 
 
 WALDMAN — Then Madam Mania was not the cause of 
 your interest? 
 
 GORDON — She increased mj interest by showing me the 
 wonderful things the brave Jews were doing in Palestine 
 to make a fine home for the Jews so that every Jew would 
 feel he had a sure enough home if he ever needed one. 
 
 WALDMAN — Tell the Court why you gave the children 
 such peculiar names. 
 
 GORDON — Honest, Judge, there wasn't a sign of Jewish 
 life in my home; no sabbath lights, no blessings, no prayers, 
 no kosher, no nothing. I pleaded and begged my wife to 
 teach our children some Jewish life. She said she wanted them 
 to forget they were Jews and that she didn't see why people 
 had to be something that wasn't popular and that she wished 
 Jews had never been born. Well, Judge, when I thought how 
 Abraham was the greatest man of his time and how Moses 
 had given nearly the whole world its religion ; when I thought 
 of all the great things the Jews had done, and my children 
 there hearing such things about my people, I told my 
 wife that she should be punished. I would make her hear 
 Jewish names day and night, and so. Judge, that's why I 
 named all the children by such names of fine Jewish men, and 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 21 
 
 believe me, Judge, they like their names. Don't you like your 
 name, Wolffsohn? 
 
 WOLFFSOHN (from her seat) Yes, Papa, I can go like 
 a wolf, too. Here is the way a wolf goes. (She imitates a 
 wolf.) 
 
 GORDON — See, Judge, she loves her name and it teaches 
 her to love animals, too. 
 
 WALDMAN — Just state to the court, how you came to 
 meet this Madam Mania and just what your relations with 
 her were and are: 
 
 MRS. G. — (Pointing her finger at him and shouting) He 
 don't dare! 
 
 SHERIFF — Order, Mrs. Gordon. I threw a noisy lady 
 out of the window last week. 
 
 GORDON — I remember it just like yesterday. I went to 
 see the Rabbi at his boarding house about a little Shadchen 
 matter and there I met Madam Mania, who was visiting the 
 family that kept the boarding house. And she asked me why 
 I looked so sad, and the first thing I knew I told her all about 
 my married troubles and that wonderful woman told me she 
 knew a case back east like mine and that Zionism had brought 
 husband and wife together again. Well, Judge, I tried and I 
 tried, but my wife, every time I would talk about Zionism 
 she would begin to sing. Now, Judge, my Gigglechen may 
 be pretty, but she can't sing and it nearly drove me crazy to 
 hear her try to sing. 
 
 WALDMAN— That will be enough of that, Mr. Gordon. 
 Now just tell the court, is it true or not, that you would often 
 absent-mindedly call your wife Madam Mania? 
 
 GORDON — Judge, that is the biggest story in the world. 
 Whenever I would start to tell her something about Madam 
 Mania she would stuff her fingers in her ears and couldn't 
 hear the rest of the sentence and thought that was all I said. 
 
22 ' GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 WALDMAN — What is all this about the trees in the Herzl 
 Wald? 
 
 GORDON — It is a beautiful forest in Palestine. Jews 
 from all over the world plant trees there ; and I tell you, Judge, 
 just as the life of a tree is longer than the life of a flower, so 
 the life in Palestine will last longer than the flowers of Jewish 
 charity in America. 
 
 JUDGE — I see you are something of a poet, Mr. Gordon. 
 
 GORDON — It is the Zionism that makes me see beautiful 
 pictures. 
 
 MRS. G. — He used to write beautiful poetry to me. Judge, 
 but he never did talk such beautiful things about Zionism to 
 me. 
 
 GORDON — Why, Gigglechen, you would never give me the 
 chance. 
 
 WALDMAN — Is it true that you would never give your 
 wife any money for a rainy day? 
 
 GORDON — Money, for a rainy day ? Why once I gave her 
 five dollars for overshoes and an umbrella. 
 
 WALDMAN — That is not what I mean — didn't you give 
 her anything to save? 
 
 GORDON — How could I save money. Judge, with women 
 and children starving in Palestine, with those fine schools and 
 no pay for the teachers ? If I should save when others starve 
 I would be a criminal. I tell you. Judge, when a Jew don't 
 feel that every Jew is a member of his family he's not a Jew 
 any more. He's an imitation. (Applause.) 
 
 SHOTSKY— Order there ! 
 
 WALDMAN— What about the National Fun Boxes? 
 
 GORDON — That is not the right name. Not fun boxes — 
 Fund Boxes (he spells it out) are pretty little blue and white 
 boxes which are distributed (makes a proud face over being 
 vbhle to use a big word like distributed) in every truly Jew- 
 ish home to catch the stray dimes and nickels that go to make 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 23 
 
 up the dollars that run the whole Zionist movement. 
 
 WALD MAN— Tell the Court why you would sing the Hat- 
 ikvah in the dead of night. 
 
 GORDON — I guess I'm a fool, Judge, to be so happy. But 
 have you ever seen a mother kiss her baby? She kisses that 
 baby everywhere. She kisses it at home, in the street car, in 
 the jitney, in the department store, everywhere. It is the 
 same with me. I get so happy when I think that the poor 
 Jewish people, who have been wandering for two thousand 
 years, are at last to have a home. And sometime at night in 
 bed I dream of the fine Jewish boys and girls in Palestine go- 
 ing to school, singing the Jewish songs, living a life of self- 
 respect, speaking the old Hebrew tongue, growing up with 
 their parents instead of away from them, as in this country, 
 and my heart gets so full of joy that if I didn't sing when I 
 wake up from such a dream, I know. Judge, I would just bust. 
 
 WALD MAN — So the whole trouble between you and your 
 wife seems to be that she don't understand this big thing that 
 has come into your life ? 
 
 MRS. GORDON — {Getting up and advancing on Waldman, 
 shaking her finger at him). Who don't understand who? You 
 poor simpleton, do you think for one minute that if he had 
 ever talked to me about Zionism like he has talked here that I 
 wouldn't have loved it, too ? No. He just ordered me around. 
 The trouble with you men is that you think more of propa- 
 ganda work among strangers than in your own family. I tell — 
 
 JUDGE — Be seated, Mrs. Gordon. I'm conducting the trial 
 of this case. Is there any more evidence, Mr. Waldman ? 
 
 WALDMAN— Take the witness. 
 
 BAUM — Why don't you want your wife to have this di- 
 vorce ? 
 
 GORDON — Because she is the mother of my eight chil- 
 dren and because we are told the angels in heaven weep when 
 
24 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 a Jewish home is broken up ; because she don't know her own 
 mind. 
 
 BAUM — Well, who does know a woman's mind ? 
 
 GORDON — A smart lawyer like you. I guess you know 
 where you will get your fee in this case. 
 
 JUDGE — Proceed with the case, gentlemen. 
 
 BAUM — If you know that you make your wife miserable, 
 why should you want to go on as man and wife ? 
 
 GORDON — She is not miserable ; you just talked her into 
 it. 
 
 BAUM — You haven't been able to support her. (Gets an- 
 gry). 
 
 GORDON — Haven't supported her? Believe me, Mr. Baum, 
 if you don't know law any better than you know what I spend 
 on my family you ought to be dismembered from practice. 
 Look, look once, Judge, how fine she is dressed, and look at 
 my eight children, every one like a new Ford, with eight pair 
 of new shoes; 16 shoes, Judge, just think of it, with the cow 
 jumping over the moon. And that near lawyer talking out of 
 his mind about my not supporting them. He's an igndro- 
 mancer. 
 
 BAUM — For God's sake, take the witness. 
 
 JUDGE — {Laughing). Take your seat, Mr. Gordon. You 
 really do not need a lawyer. Have you any other witnesses, 
 Mr. Waldman ? 
 
 WALDMAN — I should like to introduce at this juncture, 
 your honor, several experts. 
 
 JUDGE— Very well. 
 
 WALDMAN— Call Mr. Tobias. 
 
 {Mr. Tobias rises out of the audience and comes forward 
 and takes the stand) . 
 
 WALDMAN — You are an expert in the matter of the Na- 
 tional Fund of the Zionists, I believe. 
 
 TOBIAS — I don't know that I am an expert, but it has been 
 my hobby. The National Fund is to the Zionist Movement 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 25 
 
 what irrigation is to parched land. From this fund comes 
 the lubricating oil that makes the whole machinery run. The 
 idea originated in the mind of Herman Schapiro, teacher of 
 mathematics at Heidelberg. It was presented at the first 
 Zionist Congress, but it took five congresses for the Jews to 
 be good enough to themselves to adopt the idea. In other 
 words, if you will permit me to say so, at the first congress 
 this glorious idea of Professor Schapiro sounded as crazy to 
 the Zionists there as Mr. Gordon did to his wife here. It takes 
 time for people and wives to digest ideas. 
 
 MRS. GORDON— Is that so— the nerve ! 
 
 SHOTSKY— Order in the Court! 
 
 WALDMAN — Then you consider the National Fund the 
 most important Zionist institution. 
 
 TOBIAS — It is to Zionism what the blood stream is to the 
 human body. Before the National Fund became the life-giv- 
 ing force in the Zionist Movement, everyone expected some 
 sort of miracle to bring back the Jewish nation, but the Na- 
 tional Fund put the movement for the first time on the sound 
 basis of democracy, so that the small shekel of the poor man 
 was just as important as the donation of the rich in building 
 back the old home place in Palestine. In this way the Jewish 
 nation belongs to every Jew, no matter however humble; it 
 ceased to be an object of charity and became an investment. 
 It has bought land for colonies, protected the farmer from be- 
 ing robbed by unprincipled speculators and established schools. 
 It really is the national life-saving station ; and whenever any 
 project in Palestine commenced to sink it would cry for help 
 and the National Fund would come to the rescue. 
 
 WALDMAN— Take the witness. 
 
 BAUM — That's all very well for Palestine, Mr. Tobias, but 
 what good can such things do Jews in America ? 
 
 TOBIAS — Well, one instance is among the Jews scattered 
 in the small towns in the United States* I happened sometime 
 
..26 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 ago to place some National Fund boxes in a few Jewish homes 
 in the small towns and for the first time the parents and 
 children commenced to feel their relationship to the great 
 Jewish family and to become a little interested in things Jew- 
 ish again. 
 
 BAUM — You want this court to believe that a little box 
 can do all that ? 
 
 TOBIAS — This little box today is to the Zionist as sacred 
 as the Me2;uzah of yesterday. It does not rattle like the He- 
 bra Kaddisha box speaking for the dead, but it calls out to 
 us asking what preparations are we as Jews making for the 
 future. It cries out: "Let the lesson of the past teach you 
 the penalty of neglect!" Every Jew must contribute to the 
 Jewish National Fund as his poll tax to support the national 
 preparedness of today for national emergencies of tomorrow. 
 We have a right to demand that the Jewish nation cease to 
 walk upon its hands, that it stand upright once more and that 
 all Jews help us to provide a future worthy of an ancient and 
 honorable nation. 
 
 BAUM — But suppose people can't spare money for the Na- 
 tional Fund from the actual necessities of life? 
 
 TOBIAS — Then I advise the men to smoke one cigar less 
 a week and the women to spend a dollar less a year on hats. 
 
 BAUM — That's ridiculous — ^what good could a dime do 
 you? 
 
 TOBIAS — The same good that an idea would do you ! The 
 buildings in Palestine are made of stones and the National 
 Fund is made of dimes. 
 
 BAUM — Take the witness — he is getting sassy. 
 
 WALDMAN — You are excused, Mr. Tobias ; thank you, sir. 
 
 WALDMAN— Call Miss Dongut. 
 
 (Miss Dongut comes to the stand. She is soft-spoken, re- 
 fined, and a lover of the beautiful) . 
 
 WALDMAN — What is your name? 
 
 MRS. D.— Leah Dongut. 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 27 
 
 WALDMAN— The plaintiff mentioned the Bezalel Asylum. 
 Just tell the court about that institution. 
 
 MRS. D. — If by asylum you mean a place of refuge from 
 materialism and bad art then you may call Bezalel an asylum. 
 The correct name is Bezalel Institute. 
 
 WALDMAN— What do they do there? 
 
 MRS. D. — The Bezalel is a world-famed School of Arts 
 and Crafts. Its art works are sold all over the world to peo- 
 ple who know the beautiful and love it. The director of the 
 school, Mr. Boris Schatz, teaches the pupils carpet weaving, 
 beaten copper and brass work, ivory carving, lace-making and 
 the like. But the pupils learn by doing and in 1912 they sold 
 their products for $50,000. 
 
 WALDMAN — Is there anything distinctive about the art? 
 
 MRS. D. — Yes, for the first time there is a real Jewish 
 art. In the Bezalel Institute there are two museums, one of 
 Jewish antiquities and art objects, and the other of plants and 
 animals of Palestine. The students study the exhibits in these 
 museums and use many of the objects as art forms in com- 
 posing their designs. 
 
 WALDMAN— Take the witness. 
 
 BAUM — How is all this going to make Mr. Gordon a good 
 husband for Mrs. Gordon ? 
 
 MRS. D. — Well, as Mr. Gordon studies the art objects of 
 the Bezalel he develops his sense of the beautiful and the more 
 he develops that sense of the beautiful, the more he will ap- 
 preciate the beauty of Mrs. Gordon. 
 
 (Mrs. Gordon smiles sweetly on Mrs. Dongut). 
 
 BAUM — Are you sarcastic? 
 
 MRS. D. — As you please. 
 
 BAUM — Your Honor, I believe this witness is sarcastic. 
 
 JUDGE — Mrs. Dongut, are you sarcastic? 
 
 MRS. D. — {Smiles sweetly). You know, Judge, I often 
 wonder whether I am or not. 
 
 JUDGE — Ahem, quite so. 
 
28 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 BAUM — I am through with this witness. I can't tell 
 whether she is laughing at me or not. 
 
 WALDMAN — You are excused, Mrs. Dongut, thank you. 
 
 WALD MAN— Call Mr. Levine. 
 
 (Mr. Levine rises from the audience and takes the stand). 
 
 WALDMAN — Mr. Levine, you have done propaganda work 
 I believe for the Zionist Emergency Fund? 
 
 LEVINE — Yes, sir; although it was not very pleasant to 
 be taken for a schnorrer, yet my love for the cause has made 
 me persist and I have raised something like $100,000 in the 
 United States for the starving Jews and tottering Jewish in- 
 stitutions in Palestine. 
 
 WALDMAN— Take the witness. 
 
 BAUM — And how do the Jews in the United States know 
 that one cent of that money will ever reach the Jews in Pales- 
 tine? 
 
 WALDMAN — I object, your Honor, to the insulting form 
 of that question. 
 
 JUDGE — Answer the question. Mr. Baum, try to couch 
 your questions in proper language. 
 
 LEVINE — Well, unlike the attorney for the plaintiff, the 
 chairman of the fund, Justice Brandeis, is an honest lawyer 
 and our transmission of funds to Palestine has been so hon- 
 est and efficient that Syrians, Arabs and other non-Jews in 
 New York who have relatives in Palestine and Syria have in- 
 sisted that the Zionist Emergency Committee send the money 
 to their relatives. Of course it is not surprising that non- 
 Jews have been able to recognize the good the Zionists do be- 
 fore the Jews themselves. 
 
 BAUM — I'm through with this witness, he tries to be too 
 funny. 
 
 WALDMAN — You are excused, Mr. Levine. Thank you, 
 sir. Call Madam Mania. 
 
 {Madam Mania rises and walks with great dignity to the 
 stand and sits down slowly). 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 29 
 
 WALDMAN — (With great deference) : Madam Mania, 
 what is your interest in Zionism ? 
 
 MADAM MANIA — Zionism is the same as life to me, and 
 I may say, for your edification, that it is the life of all Jews, 
 if they had sense enough to know it. For, if the poor sheep 
 had wits enough to see it, they would know that all this talk 
 of restricting immigration into the United States means that 
 pretty soon the Jew must look elsewhere for a home. Then 
 how grateful these anti-Zionists and Jewish What-Nots will 
 be that a Jewish Nation in Palestine offers them not the privi- 
 lege, but the human right of a home. 
 
 WALDMAN — (With increasing admiration for the Mad- 
 am) : Then it is your idea that the Jewish people will disap- 
 pear unless nationalized ? 
 
 MADAM MANIA — No less an authority than Max Nor- 
 dau says that in fifty years of liberty in France there is not 
 a single prominent Jewish family that has not intermarried 
 and that in a generation more they will all disappear as Jews. 
 
 WALDMAN — Take the witness, but I will want her back 
 (sweetly). 
 
 BAUM — (Swelling up) : But, Madam Mania, I will pro- 
 pound to you this interrogatory : Don't you think that it is the 
 mission of the Jew to suffer and wander and teach the world ? 
 
 MADAM — That is an awful slander on God to say that He 
 loves to see innocent people suffer. When all the Jews have 
 tried as hard to build back a Nation in Palestine as they do to 
 succeed in business then they will have earned the right, if 
 they fail in Palestine, to say that God wants them to suffer. 
 
 WALDMAN — (Excitedly) . Hurrah for you ! 
 
 SHOTSKY— Order in the Court ! 
 
 BAUM — Well, you will have to admit that Zionists are not 
 very patriotic Americans, if they live here and are trying to 
 build a Jewish Nation in Palestine. We don't want any more 
 nations. That's what caused the war in Europe. 
 
30 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 MADAM M. — The trouble with you, my friend, is that you 
 have lost the old Jewish family feeling. If you were a real 
 Jew you would know that it is no more unpatriotic to send 
 shekels from this country to Palestine than for a Jew here to 
 send money to his parents in Black Russia. It is all a mat- 
 ter of family feeling. Unfortunately, President Wilson didn't 
 have the benefit of your (sa7'castic) deep counsel when he ap- 
 pointed the unpatriotic Louis Brandeis to the highest judicial 
 tribunal in the land. 
 
 BAUM — 0, Brandeis ! He's an exception. 
 
 MADAME M. — You're wrong again, my friend. I happen 
 to see in the court room Madam Patria, who is a very ardent 
 Zionist, yet at the same time she has found place in her soul 
 to compose a national anthem, ALL HAIL AMERICA,* that 
 has received great praise from the leading orchestral direc- 
 tors in Philadelphia and New York. Now, if the good Judge 
 will permit us the use of that piano in his private room I 
 would like to show what a Zionist can do by having Madam 
 Patria play for us. 
 
 JUDGE — I'm sure we would all welcome a little diversion 
 from these proceedings. 
 
 (Madam Patria plays the chorus only, the rest of the com* 
 position being too long to he available here. Applause, which 
 wakes up the Sheriff) . 
 
 SHOTSKY— Order in this Court ! What do you think this 
 is, a theatre? 
 
 JUDGE — That is quite excellent, Madam Patria. I thank 
 you. {She keeps her seat) . 
 
 MADAM M. — I trust that will convince even you, Mr. 
 Baum, that a Zionist is not entirely irreligious, often has a 
 soul and is almost a human being. 
 
 * Copies of ALL HAIL AMERICA may be had by application to the 
 composer. Miss Selma Katzenstein, head of the Dallas Conservatory of, 
 Music, 221 East Jefferson Ave., Dallas, Texas. 
 
GORDON VS. GORDON 31 
 
 JUDGE — I must insist that we confine these proceedings 
 to the divorce and not so much to Zionist propaganda. 
 
 BAUM — Quite right, your Honor. I was about to remark 
 the same thing myself. Now, Madam Mania, how about^your 
 questionable relations with this defendant. 
 
 WALDMAN — (Rising and in a threatening tone). Be 
 careful, there; don't you insult this lady. 
 
 BAUM — Just answer the question, Madam Mania. 
 
 MADAME M. — I haven't the slightest objection. My in- 
 terest in Mr. Gordon was merely to use him for the Zionist 
 Movement, At first he showed the proper enthusiasm, but 
 soon he became so wishy-washy with excuses, broke appoint- 
 ments merely because his wife wanted him to stay at home, 
 promised everything and did nothing, had as many moods 
 as the day has hours, was absolutely unreliable and so lack- 
 ing in back-bone that I have become utterly disgusted with 
 him. Such a man is no good to — 
 
 MRS. G. — {Jumping up and advancing excitedly). Lacks 
 back-bone, does he? You think you know something about 
 married life, without a child to your name. Come here, my 
 Mordecai. (Holds out her arms. Mordecai gets up and slow- 
 ly comes to her). Woman, you ought to be ashamed of your- 
 self — the way you use a man and then throw him away un- 
 gratefully. O, you vampire, you! (Mordecai and his wife 
 embrace, then go over to the delighted little Gordons. Mad- 
 am M. winks and smiles knowingly at the Judge. Waldman 
 comes up to Madam M. and talks with her very earnestly). 
 
 JUDGE — (Rapping for order) . Be seated. I see this court 
 has been turned into a family reunion. (All are seated ex- 
 cept Waldman, who is still busy talking to Madam M. Finally 
 she nods her consent and Waldman whispers something to the 
 Judge. Baum is then seen talking to Miss Schmus. The Judge 
 then says) : This is the first time in the history of this court 
 
32 
 
 GORDON VS. GORDON 
 
 that two honeymoons have come out of one divorce case. 
 
 BAUM — Make it three, Judge. {He and Miss Schmus take 
 their places beside Waldman and Madam Mania before the 
 Judge, who asks the usual questions in marriage ceremony. 
 After which he pronounces each couple man and wife. Mad- 
 am Patria plays the wedding march. All file out, the Judge 
 last, leaving the Sheriff asleep — He suddenly rouses — stretches 
 — yawns and walks out of the room). 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
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