MR. BINKS FROM 1/ BINKTOWN. A FARCE IN ONE ACT By Dr. Albert Carr. \ \ MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. A FARCE IN ONE ACT. By Dr. Albert Carr. CopyiHght, 1910 by Albert Carr. CAUTiON. The presentation of this farce for profit without the permiBsion of it's propriator is strictly forbidden. Managers desiring to produce this farce are respectfully request«d to communicate with the author. * FIRST EblTION. HILL CITY 8. D. 1910 CAST OF CHARACTERS. JEREMIAH POPPLETON. Alias Mr. Binks from Bin-ktown. V MARK HORTON. A youog lawyer. ETHELINDA POPPLETON. Jeremiah's fascinatiDor young wife seeking divorce. FANNY FENTON. Horton's stenographer. ©CI,D 22208 MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. ACT I. SCENE. Waiting-room in the office of Mark Horton at Sioux Falls, S. D. Door in rear scene, R. ivith the words ''Private Office'' oh it. Door, L. Screen, left front. Fanny Fenton discovered seated at tkjpe- ivriter, type-ivriting. PaoDV. {Working type-writer.) Sioux Falls, S. D.— that's done, and I am glad of it. These divorce cases are very hard on the machine. They stir the feelings of the writer so, [Reads.] Ethelinda Poppleton versus Jeremiah Poppleton. [To audience.] Ethelinda is suing her husbani^, Jeremiah, for a divorce. Mark Horton is her attorney. Mrs. Poppleton is twenty four, and Mr. Poppleton, forty two. They have been married about four years. They have no children. 4 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. tier complaint is, that Mr. Poppleton is too humorously eccentric, and utterly void of aoy sentimental refinement. Upon this plea she bases her action for divorce. Mr. Poppleton is quite wealthy. He deals in fast horses. I am sure he is a sport. I like sports. I believe I'd like him. Mrs. Poppleton is very hand- some, and she knows it. Mr. Horton Beems to know it, too. Mrs Poppleton came here to Sioux Palls about a month ago. Mr. Poppleton iti back home ID Indiana. Mark Horton appears very much interested in his client, Mrs. Poppleton. If he comes spooning around me again, I'll remind him of that faet. Enter Mark Horton from private office. Mark. Weil, sweetheart, how are yo u getting along with Poppleton versus Poppleton? Fanny. I am not your sweetheart, Mark Horton, I am your stenographer. Mark. It amounts to the same thing- When a lawyer selects his stenographer, he selects hfer because — Fanny. Because, what? Mark. Because—ahe suits him. MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. 5 Fanny. Does he accept his female clients on the same grounds? Mark. Well, no — hardly. As soon as you have that testimony type- written, place it on my det-k. I am going to the bank. If Mrs. Poppleton should come, while I am out, tell her I will return shortly, and show her into my private office. Fanny. (Snappishly.) What will she do there alone— without you? Mark. Wait— wait for my return. [Exit at door, L. Fanny. The wretch! He has been trifling with my affections, I ought to sue him for breach of promise. I will do something— something that will learn him to love one woman at a time. [Slams type writer ; bundles up papers, and with papers in hand, exits into private office, hanging door behind her. Enter Jeremiah Poppleton at door, L. Is in rich but sporty dress. Has gold-headed cane, diamonds and red plaid vest. Jeremiah. Well, here you are, Jere miah Poppleton. My wife is here, and I am here. I know she is here, but she 6 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. doD't know I am here. Here, I can observe her, without being observed. She's after a divorce. I'm after her. Oh, she's a canary! Just now, ihe's on the wing. While she flies high, I'll lay low. I can't give up my canary. If she gets a divorce, she'll have to do some wise work. I have registered at the hotel as Mr. Binks from Binktown. I told them Binktown was in Indiana, but not on the map. When I told them, it was not on the map, I told them a positive truth. [Looks around room.] This IB the place. [Takes card out of pocket and reads.] Mark Horton^ Attorney at law^ Sioux FallSy S. D. [Indicates with wave of hand.] That's his private office — bis bird trap, [Puts card in pocket.] I wish I had more gush, more rosy-posy, morning dew, but I haven't got it, so I'll have to play my game with the joker up my sleeve. Huh, morning dew! If it w^ere bills due, I'd be there with a flush. The first card I shall play in this game of skipaloo is to employ my wife's lawyer to do some business for Mr. Binks from Binktown. I'll engage him to look up some good local investment for forty or fifty thousand. That will direct hie MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. 7 attention to me. Mrs. Poppleton has the beauty, but I have the money. I am sure her lawyer will reach for the long- green. They all do. I don't see anybody around here. Oh, well I I've plenty of time. I'll just sit down and wait untU someone comes. [Sees screen.] If Mrs. Poppleton should come, that will serve to conceal me. Then I can slip out when she's not looking, or other- wise engaged. I am afraid she's otherwise engaged, just now. [Orins.] Oh, she's a canary ! [Goes behind screen, and sits down in chair. Takes out cigar. Is about to light it] No, that won't do. The smoke would give mo away. [Returns cigar to pocket.] Binks don't smoke. Enter Fanny from private office with sheet of paper. Fanny. Here is another page of Poppleton vs. Poppleton. I thought I had finished the whole of that nonsense. Jeremiah. {Coming from behind screen.) You don't seem to care for nonsense. You want the solid and the real— the com with the ring to it. Fanny. {Startled.— Angrily.) How do you know, what! want? 8 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. Jeremiah. How do I know a sensible young woman, when I see her? Fanny. {Placated.) Who are you? Jeremiah. I'm Mr. Binks from Binktown. Fanny. Binktown! Jeremiah. Yes, Binktown — Binktown, Indiana. Fanny. I don't remember ever having seen that town on the map. Jeremiah. It isn't on the map. Fanny. Not on the map! Jeremiah. No. I wouldn't let them put on. Fanny. How could you prevent it? Jeremiah. I own the town. Fanny. Oh, that's it! Did you come to see Mr. Horton? Jeremiah. No, 1 came to see you. Fanny. To see me! I am Mr. Horton's stenographer- Jeremiah. Well, if I get you first, I'll have no trouble getting him. Fanny. What do you mean? Jeremiah. I don't mean anything- Do you? Fanny. I don't know what to make of you. Jeremiah. Here is a hundred dollars for your good-will. [Offers her money.] MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. 9 You can make that much of me. Fanny. I can't take your money, sir. Jeremiah. Reach out that pretty little hand of yours and try. There are no conditions attached to it but your good- will. And that, I'm going to have, if I have to buy you a diamond ring and an automobile. Fanny. (Aside.) I have a strong suspicion this is Poppleton. I'll act on this suspicion, and teach Mark Hortou a lesson, he'll not forget. (Aloud.) If I understand you, Mr. Binks— Jeremiah. I am a friend of Popple- ton's. Poppleton don't want his wife to get a divorce. I am here to prevent it. You are klorton's stenographer. Horton IS Mrs. Poppleton's attorney. If I get the stenographer, I've got the lawyer. When I've got the lawyer, I've got the client. When I've got the client, Poppleton has got his wife. Take the money. If I win, I'll give you a thou- sand more. Fanny. (Suddenly.) Give me the money. Jeremiah. Here it is. [Gives her money. Fanny. [Throwing arms around him.\ You're the dearest, sweetest man, I ever 10 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. met. Jeremiah. What, so soon! Fanny. I'm so glad! Jeremiah. I — I didn't expect this, no^ no,— not quite so soon. Fanny. I didn't either. Oh, I'm so glad! [Hugs him. Jeremiah. Are you a grass widow? Panrty. No, no! But, I am so glad you are here. Yuur coming is most fortunate for me; most fortunate for you. Oh, you dear man! [Hugs him. Jeremiah. {Embracing Fanny.) This is a most pleasing surprise. I played the deuce of diamonds, and trumped the queen of hearts. [Chuckles.] What's your name? Fanny. Fanny— Fanny Fen ten. You can call me, Fanny. Jeremiah, Oh, can I! Fanny. Yes! What shall I call you? Jeremiah. Why— er— er — er— ©all me, Binks. Fanny. I'll call you, Binksy. Jeremiah. Oh, you pet! [Chucks her under chin.] You'll help me won't you, Fanny? Fanny. Indeed, I will. MR. BINK& PROM BINKTOWN. 11 Jeremiah. [With arm over her ahoul- dcn] You believe I'm a man of honor; that you can trust me,— confide in me? Fanny. It eeems like it, judging from my present proximity. Jeremiah. That's so! [ChuckUi.] I ought not to have asked that question. How stupid of me! Enter Mark Horton at door, L. Has rose in hand. Fanny. {Breaking from Jeremiah with slight scream.) Oh. heavens! Jeremiah. "What's the matter? You're not \ifcl|Btruck with heart failure? [Sees Norton.] Oh— {Aside.) I'll bet, this is Mr. Prunes, himself. Mark. You seem to be quite at home here, air, Jeremiah. That's a peculiarity of mine. I always make myself at home wherever I am» Fanny. {Advancig.) This is Mr. Hor- ton, Mr. BinKs. Mr. Horton, Mr. Binks from Binktown. Mr. Binks is an old ^ friend of mine. Mark. {Bowing stiffly.) Mr. Binks! Jeremiah. {Bowing stiffly,) Mr Hor- ton. Fanny. Binktown is in Indiana. Mr 12 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. B'mke owns the town. Mark. Ah, indeed! Jeremiah. Through the kindness of my interesting young friend here, I have been directed to you. Possibly, I shall need the services of an attorney in certain affairs that may arise during my stay here. Here is a retainer of five hundred dollars. [Offers H or ton money. ^\ If I need you, you will have to act; if not, the money is yours. Mark. What is the nature of the case, that is liable to arise? Jeremiah. Civil — purely civil! Can't discuss it now. Mark. {Taking money.) Very well, Mr, Binks, call on me when you need me. For the present, you will have to excuse me. I am expecting a lady client. Could you drop in, in an hour or two? Jeremiah. {Looking at watch.) In a couple of hours? Yes, sir, most conveniently. Mark, I am sorry, I can't chat with you now. Jeremiah. A lady should always be first; first in the mind of man, though second in creation. She was made from the rib of man, and — and she's been \ \ MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. 13 food of rib-bons ever since. Mark. {With sour smile.) Quite a conceit! I will be at leisure, sir, about four o'clock. Jeremiah. {Going.) Very well, sir. {Aside.) He's cold— cold as an oyster on ice. J wonder, if he is m love with his stenographer. If he is, I jarred him. [Chuckles. Exit at door, L. Mark. So that is an old friend of yours? Fanny. Yes. Mark. He seems t,o have money. Fanny. Money! He's worth a million. Mark. You don't say! Fanny. He was delighted to see me. Mark. So I should judge. Is he married? Fanny. You don't suppose, I would allow a married man such familiarity? Mark. No — of course, not! Here is a rose I brought you. [Offers her rose. Fanny. Are you quite sure, you brought it for me.' Mark. For you, certainly. Take it. Fanny. Well, I will. [Takes rose, and throws it at private office door.] There, give it to your client, Ethelinda Popple ton. U MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. Mark. You astonish me! Fanny. She ie more entitled to it than I am. Mark. Why, more entitled? Fanny. Aek your own vacillating heart. Oh, well! you are not the only trout in the brook. Mark. You are very unkind. [Picks up rose Fanny. Get Ethelinda her divorce and marry her, and you will soon forget my uukindness. Mark. {Aside.) I guesfc* she told the truth, that time. lExit into private ojjtice, closing door behind him. Fanny. {Dropping head in hands.) Oh, misery, misery! What shall I do! Just as I begun to love him, I must lose him. [Binstling up.] Ethelinda shall not get a divorce, do, not if can prevent it. Enter Jeremiah Poppleton at door, L, tiptoeing. Jeremiah. {In loud ivhiaper, pointing to L.) She's coming! She's coming! Fanny. He is in there. [Points to private office. Jeremiah. Elhelinda's coming! MR. BINKb PROM BINKTOWN. 15 Panoy. Hush! [Jeremiah dodges behind screen and sits down. Enter Ethelinda Foppleton at door, L. Ethelioda. Good afternoon, Panny! Jeremiah. (Aside.) liisten to that bird-like voice. That's Ethelinda. Panny. Good afternoon, Mrs. Popple- ton! Ethelinda. Is Mr. Horlon in? Panny. He is io his private office* Ethelinda. Oh, thank you! Panny. He is waiting for you. Ethelinda. Is he! Well, I'll step right in. [Exit into private office. Closes door behind her. Fanny puts on hat. Jeremiah. She don't want to keep him waiting. She'd keep me waiting for a lifetime, if I'd let her. But I won't let her. No, not if I have to buy that lawyer by the pound, and pound him to death after I have bought him. Panny. (Advancing to screen.) I am going out in the air. Jeremiah. (Rising.) Don't go! Wait! Come in here. I want to talk with you- 16 MR,. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. Fanny. I feel as if I should fly! Jeremiah. Don't! Ethelinda is on the wing. Wait 'til she lights. Fanny. I shall axplode! Jeremiah. Don't— you might knock down this screen. Fanny. Oh, dear! Jeremiah. Don't worry. If Mrs. Poppleton gets a divorce, I'll marry you. Fanny. Marry me? Jeremiah. Yes; I'll make you Mrs. Binks from Binktown. Fanny, You are awful good! Jeremiah. That's what Poppleton said, when he sent me after his wife. Fanny. Poppleton is a niddle- noddle. Jeremiah. (Aside.) She don't know, that I am Poppleton. Fanny. What shall I do! Jeremiah. Come in here. We can pass the lime as pleasantly as they can. We have all the chips in the game, they have. Come on— but bring a chair with you. There's only one chair in here. Of course, you wouldn't sit on my lap, Fanny. What! Jeremiah. No, not until Mrs. Popple- ton gets a divorce. Fanny. [Taking off hat,) You make MK. BINK6 FROM BINKTOWN. 17 me laugh! Jeremiah. Poppleton made Etbelinda laugh. Now she's trying to get a divorce from him. If I ever get her back — I mean, if Poppleton ever gets her back — Fanny. {Coming behind acreen with chair.) What are you talking about? Jeremiah. About Poppleton. Say, what do you suppose they are doing in there now. Fanny. Oh, passing a few compli- ments. Jeremiah. I hope that's all. Fanny. Why should it worry you? Mrs. Poppleton is nothing to you. Jeremiah. No, she is nothing to Binks. Binks has no wife. But Popple- ton has. Aren't you sorry for Poppleton? Fanny. No; I'm oorry for Binks. Jeremiah. Why are you sorry for Binks? Fanny. Because he has no wife. Jeremiah. {Gazing at Fanny.) Ah, you're a brown-eyed canary, yourself. Fanny. Binks, you are the kind of man I like. [Hangt hat on chair and tits. Jeremiah. Why, Fanny? [Sitt down in ehair at left of 18 MR. BINKS PROM BINETOWN. Fanny. Fanny. Because there's some fun in you. Jeremiah. Yes, I'm about as full of those kind of feelings as any man you ever saw, [Chucklet. Fanny. Did you ever have a serious thought? Jeremiah. No, not that I remember of. If I ever did, I didn't allow it to dog me. Fanny. How did you get rid of it? Jeremiah. I canned it. Fanny. Are you going to stay in the city long? Jeremiah. That depends entirely upon what happens in that office. [Jumps up and peep$ over »creen.] What do you suppose they are doing in there now? Fanny. I came in here to be enter- tained, not to talk about them. [Jumps up,\ I am desperate! Jeremiah. What's the matter with you? Fanny. Can't you see? Have you no sense? Don't you know anything^ Are your brains in your head, or have you had them removed? MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. 19 Jeremiah. {Backing down.) D— d if I understand you! You've got me treed. Fanny. Can't you catch on? Can't you see, I am a heartbroken woman? A woman that needs sympathy, consolation, affection, adoration- Jeremiah. Say, yoa don't expect to get that all in one lump, do you? Fanny. I expect you to understand. Jeremiah. I do understand, and we'll settle this matter right now. Will you marry Binks, if Mrs. Popple ton gets a divorce? Fanny. I'll marry Binus, if Mrs. Poppleton never gets a divorce. Jeremiah. {Shaking head.) No, that would be bigamy. Fanny. Bigamy! Why, you are not married. Jeremiah. I am glad you've told me. [Peepa over screen,] What do you sup- pose, they are doing in there now? Fanny. I suppose her head is lying upon his breast, and his lips pressed to hers — Jeremiah. The devil you say! [Stai'ts to leave screen. Fanny. {Grabbing hi» coat-tailB.) Where are you going? Jeremiah. In that office to lay hii 20 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. bead on my breast. [Make» punching motions. Fancy. What's the matter with yout She's not your wife, Jeremiah. (Tragetically.) How do you know she's not my wife? Fanny. Because she is Poppleton's wife, and you are Binks — Binks from Binktown. Jeremiah. (Collapting—sComic.) That's so, BO I am. [Wipes faee with large gaudy silk handkerchief. Fanny. Are you warm? Jeremiah. Yes — under the collar. [Fanny laughs aside. Fanny. You said, you were going to entertain me. Jeremiah, Did I? Very well. [Sits down in chair.] What shall I do for you, whistle or sing? Fanny. Oh, pshaw! Jeremiah. If I could just look m that oflBce — Fanny. Nonsense! There is a woman m there with him, and there is a woman out here with you. Jeremiah. Yes, but his peach is a wind-fall; mia« is still on the tree. Fanny. Please explain. MR. BINK6 FROM BINKTOWN. 21 Jeremiah. You've never beeo married. Fanny. That is easiJy remedied. Jeremiah. How? Fanny. Marry me. Jeremiah. Impossible, until my wife — Fanny. Your wife! [Both Jump up. Jeremiah. N-n-n-o, I mean Popple- ton's wife. Fanny. Oh! IBoth sit down. Fanny laughs aside. Jeremiah. {Aside.) I'm getting moving pictures in my head. [Mops face with handkerchief. Fanny. That's a lively colored hand- kerchief. Jeremiah. Yes, I bought it at a lady's buzz-zar. [Spreads out handkerchief,] It's a polka-dot. Fanny. (Aside.) It looks like an aurora borealis. [Aloud.) Do you know anything about fast horses— trotting horses? Jeremiah. Yes. [Innocently.] I read about them in my farm journal. Fanny. Well, in horse-racing it is only a question of who gets ahead. Jeremiah. Huh, I see. If it weren't 22 MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. for Ethelinda — Fanny. Husb! [Jeremiah Jumps up and peeps over screen. Enter Mark Horton and Ethelinda Poppleton from private office. Jeremiah. {In low voice to Fanny.) They've come out! Ethelinda. Fanny is not here. [Fanny peeps around end of screen, Jeremiah over screen. Mark. My dear Ethelinda, such love as yours must be rescued from all vulgar contamination. Ethelinda. I am so happy with you. Mark. Would we were far away under some moonlit sky where the nightingales sing. Jeremiah. (In low voice to Fanny.) Listen to that, Fanny! Some moonlit sky where— where — the cuckoos coo — Fanny. Hush! Ethelinda. Oh, if we were on some lone island! Jeremiah. (Aside.) I'll take her to Coney islaod. Mark. This can be no passing dr«am. No delusion — MR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. 23 Ethelinda, In you, Mark, I have found my affinity. Jeremiah. {In low voice to Fanny.) She has found her affinity! Ttat does settle it. Fanny. (In low voice to Jeremiah.) What ails you ! I begin to believe, you are after Mrs. Poppleton, yourself. Hush! Look! [Fanny and Jeremiah peep. Mark and Ethelinda fondling and loving. Mark kisses Ethelinda passionately. Jeremiah. (To Fanny^ow voice.) He's handing her the hot cakes now. Fanny. (Low voice.) You and I will elope. Jeremiah. (Low voice.) Yes — we'll go to Reno. Fanny. Hush — look! [Fanny and Jeremiah peep. Mark. Don't go darling. Fanny has gone home. Don't go. Stay, and we'll lock the door, and have some lunch. Ethelinda. That will be charming! Mark. I'll go to the restaurant— Ethelinda. You will have to hurry. Some one might come. Mark. What kind of lunch do you like, love? 24 Ma.BINKSFBOMmNKTOWN_ — — 7^; — ^1 7., \ T always aengni' kind. , . -J N A beer lunch! ,e,ea..b. Now. be.e >s^«';- } ^r, arms about Fanny. i ^.^^^ ^ ,„„, I'"buy»";/automobUe, anda Fanny. (Str««9««9 «»<* '^'"''"''•^ ™.)I'oveyounoveyou- jeremiab. {StiU hug^ng Fanny.) This is no passing dream ^^^^.^ ■";L.»,.h^ Bu„i« . -» ■'» '"- MR. BIN Kfe FROM BINKTOWN. 25 I thiok, I'll win. Ethelinda. Jeremiah Popplelon listen to me — Fanny. Are you Jeremiah Popple- ton? Jeremiah. I guess, I am. Fanny. Then who is Binks from, Binktown? Jeremiah. Binks is Poppleton; Poppleton IS Binke. Fanny. Then you are a married man! [Mock crying— ^laughs aside.] To deceive a poor girl! Jeremiah. Tat, tut! Don't cry. This race is not over yet. Enter Mark Horton at door, L. with beer lunch on tray. Mark. Here is the lunch. Jeremiah. Horton, my dear fellow, 1 hope you have brought enough for all. Mark. [Angrily) I told you four o'clock. Ethelinda. Why, that is Poppleton! He has been behind that screen all the while. [Mark drops beer lunch in dismay.] I found him hugging and kiBsing your stenographer. Jeremiah. Yes, and I saw him [Point a to Mark.] hugging and kiesing MR .BINKSFROMBINKTOWN._ my wife. Mark. You saw im- her affinuy. ^ ^*^ Mark. I tear there has beet, miah, L. ^wmrp© Mrs. Poppletcn A.nd ^^^ ^^^ We are a" labonng under a one too Mark delusion. ^^„„ as this Jeremiah. P»°°J' * ^ you and I divorce business - -^f^Vw whether will get married. 1 don ^^^^ Hortonisworthacopp .but ^^^^^^ I have a quarter of « »'»'°; ;„„tt,er, flew out ot mycage^ ^^Ts Poppleto"- gant;a-goi»3. ^, Jeremiah! Etheiinda. J-^-^jtls .o much ot L-rmrot\r;u.Jbeman^w. r/r:n:o-rantrwiUin...ve xMR. BINKS FROM BINKTOWN. 27 up. Won't you take me back, dear? Jeremiah. Panoy, what do you say about it? Mark. Fanny, listen to me. I have made a mistake. The charm of that most attractive woman led me from you, but now I realize— I— I— won't you— [Opens arms. Fanny. Yes, yes, Mark. [Rushes into his arms. Mark. You have conquered. Ethelinda. May I come to you, Jeremiah? Jeremiah. Come on. Ethelinda. {Advancing tou^irds him.) I am so ashamed. Jeremiah. I am, too.. Ethelinda. Fll never do it again. Jeremiah. I won't, either. Ethelinda. {Dropping into his arms.) You'll forgive me, love, won't you? Jeremiah. Of course. Fanny, I will give you a thousand dollars in the morning. Fanny. A thousand dollars! Jeremiah. Yes, I said I would, if I won. I've woo. Ethelinda. (To Jeremiah.) Are you happy, now? Jeremiah. Yeq, I've gc»t my canary. 28 MR. BINKS PROM BINKTOWN. Ethelinda. Oh, you are such a dear! Jeremiah. No, I am an Elk. Mark. (Grinning.) Well, you have the dough. Jeremiah. See here, young man, if you don't marry that girl inside the next ten days, I'll prosecute you for attempted assassination of my wife's character. Mark. Miss. Penton and I will be married in a few days, and we extend to you and your charming wife a cordial invitation to be present at our wedding. Jeremiah. Panny, I'll give you another thousand the day you are married. Panny. How lovely! Ethelinda. {To Jeremiah.) The land- lady warned me- about a strange gentleman stopping at the hotel. Was that you, love? Jeremiah. No; that was Mr. Binks from Binktown. CURTAIN. \ One copy deJ. to Cat. Div. ^: j Bhlibrary of congress