^v^ MACPHERSON, \ THE GREAT CONFEDERATE PHILOSOPHER SOUTHERN BLOWER A KECOKD HIS PHILOSOPHY, HIS CAREER AS A WARRIOR, TRAVELLER, CLERGYMAN, POET, AND NEWSPAPER PUBLISHER, HIS DEATH, RESUSCITATION, AND SUBSEQUENT ELECTION TO THE OFFICE OF GOYERNOR OF LOUISIANA. ALFRED C. HILLS, EDITOR OF THE I'EW ORLEANS ERA. NEW YORK: PUBLISHED BY JAMES MILLER, (STJOCESSOR TO C. S. FRANCIS & CO.,)- 52 2 BROADWAY. MDCCOLXIV. Copy, 1 48 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S64, By JAMES MILLER, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for tlie Southern District of New York. TO MAJOR-GENERAL NATHANIEL P. BANKS, COMMANDER OF THE DEPARTMENT OF THE GTJLF, THE SOLDIER AND STATESMAN, WHO, BY HIS OWN LABOR AND GENIUS, RAISED KBISELF FROM THE OBSCURE AND HUMBLE WALKS OF LIFE, TO ADORN SOME OP THE MOST HONORABLE CIVIL AND MILITARY POSITIONS ; AND WHO, GUIDED BY THE SAME SPIRIT OF UNSUR- PASSED PERSEVERANCE, PLANTED THE FLAG OP HIS COUNTRY ON PORT HUDSON, BORE IT IN TRIUMPH THROUGH WESTERN LOUISIANA, AND UP THE RIO GRANDE, STiji's 17olume, BY PERMISSION, IS INSCRIBED, BY HIS SINCERE ADMIRER AND GRATEFUL FRIEND, THE AUTHOR. PREFACE. The "Macpherson Letters" were pnblislied in tlie JSTew Orleans Eea during the past year. Tlieir unex- pected, and, perhaps, undeserved popularity in the Southwest, and a very general desire on the part of the author's friends to see them in a book, are his reasons for publishing them. His observations in jN"ew Or- leans led him to believe that ridicule was the most po- tent weapon that could be employed against the absurd opinions and prejudices of that portion of the people of the Southwest who sympathised with the rebellion. He had, at least, the gratification of knowing that they were very generally read, not only in the army and navy, but by the people, many of whom believed, for some time, that " Macpherson" was an actual citizen of Madisonville, and a genuine correspondent of the Eea. The blind prejudices, the j)rofound political igno- rance, the strong passions and boundless credulity of the rebels in New Orleans, must appear incredible to those who have always lived in a free community, 6 PEEFACE. wliere freedom of speech is tolerated, and wher^ uni- versal education renders every one more or less familiar with passing events and the topics of the times. But those who have freely mingled with that class of Loui- sianians who still cling to the faith of Jeff. Davis, will not be surprised to learn that Macpherson's philosophy ^ was so much in accordance with theirs, and that his exaggerated style of speech was so faithful a copy of secession bombast, that the " great Confederate Philos- opher" was, for some weeks, quite a favorite with the hot-headed rebels of the Crescent City. Many of the incidents which the author attempted to ridicule in these " Letters," were too local in their character to be understood by a reader not familiar with the facts. So far as practicable, -these parts have been omitted in this publication, and such explanatory notes have been prefixed to each chapter, as seemed ne- cessary to give the general reader an understanding of its import. The author will state that when he commenced the publication of these letters, he had no expectation of writing but one ; and to that he signed the first name that occurred to him, without reflection. He was not then aware that an ofiicer named James B. McPherson held a commission in the United States Army, — an ig- norance due, probably, to the fact that for many PEEFACE. 7 months the author was in service where newspapers seldom reached him. But the officer in question, by his gallant conduct on many hard-fought fields, has made a national reputation for skilful and daring gen- eralship, and his name is as familiar as household words to all who have read the story of Yicksburg, and of the various movements of the noble army of General Grant. A. C. H. New Okleans, La., January, 1864. CONTENTS, CHAPTER I. PAGE Free Trade with tlie Rebels 13 CHAPTER H. Mr. Macplierson liatli Hopes for liis Idiotic Boy. — ^He declareth liimself to be a good Union Man, — Correspondence, and tlie Way to send it. — Tlie True Plan of Conciliation, etc 16 CHAPTER HI. The Great Secession Demonstration in New Orleans, as described by Louis T. Wigfall Macpberson 19 CHAPTER IV. Macpherson takes the Oath of Allegiance.— A Letter from Jeff. Davis. — A Good Confederate Lady with Yankee Boarders. — A Gross Insult to the Confederacy, etc., etc 25 CHAPTER V. Macpherson, Journeying to Madisonville, sees the Great Confed- erate Cross in the Heavens. — He is seized by Arizonian Gue- rillas, and taken to the Place of Execution. — His Escape from Death etc 34 CHAPTER VI. A FuU Account of the Great Macpherson Festival at the House of the Noble Woman, in New Orleans. 45 1* 10 CONTENTS. CHAPTER VII. PAGE Macplierson, setting up as a Confederate Pliilosoplier, explains tlie Distinction of Races to Ms Idiotic Boy. — Advent, History, and Adventures of the Unhappy Cuss. — Macplierson captured by Duryea's Zouaves. — Interview with the "Southern Source," etc., etc 55 CHAPTER VIII. The Great Charity Fair 66 CHAPTER IX. The Confederate Arithmetic 81 CHAPTER X. Hymn of Salvation 84 CHAPTER XI. Macplierson dedicates himself to War and Larceny. — He encoun- ters the Honest Jew , 85 CHAPTER XII. The Great Confederate Traveller describes his Journey through the Louisiana Lowlands Low 91 CHAPTER XHL Macpherson appears as a Clergyman, and expounds the Confed- erate Gospel. — He encounters the Weeping Orphan, and unex- pectedly finds a Large Family on his hands. — He preaches from the Text : " Blow ye !" etc., etc lOG CHAPTER XIV. Macpherson as a Military Chieftain. — He is appointed a Major General of Confederate Volunteers. — He issues a Proclamation, raises an Army, and wins two Battles in a single Day, etc., etc. 118 CONTENTS. 11 CHAPTER XV. PAGE Macplierson encounters and shoots a Midnight Assassin. — He conscripts Negroes, and addresses them in a manner calculated to arouse their Zeal in the Confederate Cause. — He appoints his Staff, etc., etc 125 CHAPTER XVI. The Registered Enemies of the United States leave the Depart- ment of the Gulf. — General Macplierson superintends their Departure. — He " Gobbles" them as soon as they arrive in his Dominions. — He unexpectedly meets the Honest Jew, etc., etc. 133 CHAPTER XVH. An Account of the Death of James B. Macpherson, the Great Confederate Philosopher, Warrior, Author, and Southern Blower 143 CHAPTER XVIII. The Resuscitation of Macplierson. — It is Discovered that he was not Dead, only Dead Drunk. — His Method of Paying Debts. — He makes the Acquaintance of the Reliable Gentleman, etc., etc 149 CHAPTER XIX. Macplierson encounters the Cussed Fool of Carondelet street. — Betting on Vicksburg and Port Hudson. — Fourth of July Cel- ebration at Madisonville, etc., etc 160 CHAPTER XX. The Phantom Confederate ; or, the Ghost of Madisonville. (A True Story) 168 CHAPTER XXI. Macpherson is arrested for Assault and Battery. — He expounds the Law of Responsibility. — He visits Port Hudson and Vicks- burg. — He tests the Homoeopathic Principle, and is Chased by the Devil, etc., etc - • • • • l'J'5 12 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXII. PAGE Macpherson is seized with the Newspaper Mania, and Determines to become an Editor. — He dissolves the Army of Madisonville, etc., etc 183 CHAPTER XXIII. Macpherson, disgusted with the Newspaper Business, resolves to acquire Office and Civil Renown. — The Restoration of Civil Government in Louisiana. — Macpherson is elected Governor of the State, etc., etc 188 CHAPTER XXIV. The Governor is besieged by Office-seekers. — The ingenious Method by which he dispersed the Mob. — The True Southern Patriot, and why he would not accept Office. — The Idiotic Boy chastised. — The Governor makes a Pilgrimage to Richmond. — The Full and Authentic History of the Congressional Career of the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman, etc., etc 199 THE LETTERS JAMES B. MACPHERSOI, CHAPTER I. . Free Trade with the Rebels. Note, — Madisonville is a town situated on tlie Tchefimcta river, near Lake Pontcliartrain, and was within tlie rebel lines at the time these letters were written, as it is, in fact, at the present time. The people were known to be destitute of many of the necessaries of life, and the secessionists of New Orleans made a strong effort to induce the authorities to permit free trade across the lake, on the ground that humanity required it, and that the people were non-combatants. The Daily Picayune advocated this theory, and a writer, signing himself " Observer," published a communication in that paper urging its adoption by the authorities. The notion appeared too absurd to be treated seriously, and the author attempted to exhibit it in this light in the following letter, which appeared in The Era, February 17th, 1863. Madisonville, La., Sunday Evening, February 15. SiK : — I have a wife and twelve cliildren, all of them sons except the wife. ISTine of them are in the Con- federate service, and so am I. The other three are not in the service, because one of them is only three years 14 THE MACPHftESON LETTEES. old, but lie will probably be old enough to join tbe armj before tbe United States are crusbed. Another one bas lost a leg in tbe war, so that be can't march ; and the other one is idiotic. I am home on a furlough, and find my wife and three sons bad enough off. They are destitute of many of the necessaries of life, and for my part I don't know what they will do. I think the United States ought to supply them with food. They are non-combatants, and there is no chance that any of them will ever fight except the youngest ; and stipulation might be made that he should not eat any of the food sent over, if that should be deemed ne- cessary. So long as I and the nine able bodied boys stay in the Confederate army, it will be necessary to have the rest of the family receive supplies from J^ew Orleans ; and humanity and philanthropy demand that trade should be allowed. I was pleased to read in this morning's Picayune^ a communication from Mr. Observer, on this point. He proposes to send salt and other indispensable articles, and says he would go into the business himself, if he had the means, and could get the necessary authority. I hope he will go into it at once, as we need the salt much, and the indispensable articles would also come handy. He can make a good thing of it, as we are willing to pay a large price for salt, flour, quinine, clothing, cotton-cards, etc., all of which will bring a larger price here than Observer wiU have to give for them in ]^ew Orleans. I would pay a large price for what my family needs, as I could fight a great deal better if I knew the folks were comfortable at home. FREE TEADE WITH THE EEBELS. 15 By all means let some one lend Mr. Observer the capi- tal if lie hasn't got it, for there is no reason why non- combatants shouldn't be fed. Yours, sincerely, James B. Macpheeson. P. S. — While you are about it, tell Observer to bring me an English rifle, with a cartridge-box, and a hun- dred rounds of ammunition. J. B. M. IG THE MACEHERSON LETTERS. CHAPTEE II. Mr. Macpherson hath Hopes for his Idiotic Boy. — He DECLARETH HIMSELF TO BE A GOOD UnION Man. COR- RESPONDENCE, AND THE Way TO SEND IT. ThE TrUE Plan of Conciliation, etc. Note. — Confederate prisoners wlio were to leave New Orleans on parole, were discovered to liave contraband letters sewed into tlieir clothing. Madisonyille, JLiA., Feljruary 21st, 1863. Sir : — I find tliat The Era piiblislied mj letter, in which I showed that the United States ought to sup- port my family as long as I am in the Confederate ser- vice, and that the destitute people on this side of the lake should be permitted to trade with E'ew Orleans. When I saw that letter in The Era, I experienced all the pleasure of a man who, for the first time, sees his name in print. I looked at it two or three hours, and then handed it over to my Idiotic Boy. I could not restrain my tears, when I thought of the unhappy fate of that youth, doomed never to write a letter for the newspapers, nor to realize the blissful feelings which swelled in his father's heart, at gazing upon his 6wn name in small-cap letters. " Cheer up, my dear," said my wife. " James, to be sure, is an idiot, but idiots does sometimes write for newspapers." Immediately she handed me " Observer's" letter in Sunday's Picayune^ and I became calm. Whenever I look at that letter I believe fully my wife's remark. EIGHTS OF A NON-COMBATANT. 17 As I told you before, I am home on a furloiigli, and so long as I remain away from my regiment, at Port Hudson, I consider myself a non-combatant, and I de- mand from the United States government all the rights of a neutral. I wish, while my furlough continues, to take a hand in trade across the lake, and as Observer promises to go into it if anybody will furnish funds, I now definitely offer him my assistance, and promise to invest my last three months' pay as a private, which I have just drawn from the pajrmaster in Confederate treasury notes and Madisonville butchers' tickets, and three dollars of which are worth three cents in coin. What I want now, is, to make arrangements for get- ting all the newspapers across the lake, and to gain in- formation in regard to the Union soldiers in General Banks's Department. So long as I am a neutral, I have a perfect right to know what is going on, and the in- formation thus obtained I could sell to my General for a high price, which would do much towards feeding my destitute family, and helping on our speculations. You will therefore please forward to me immediately a full statement of the number of troops in the Department of the Gulf, where the camps are located, the quality of arms, the number of guns, the amount of ammunition, the number, strength, and position of the gunboats, the maps and plans of future operations by land and water, and any other small matters which would be of interest and use to me, and which can do no harm so long as I am a non-combatant. If, however, the military author- ities should differ from the Picayune and me in these matters, please sew all necessary letters into the collars and cuffs of the coats of Confederate soldiers, boimd 18 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. only by 2. parole of honor, and stnlf all tlie newspapers yon can find into the legs of their breeches. Bnt there can be no possible objection to permitting free correspondence with me. I am, in fact, a good Union man, and boldly proclaim my Union sentiments among my comrades. My doctrine is, that the United States ought to lay down their arms at once, and then ask for an armistice, preparatory to a recognition of the SoutheiTL Confederacy. Such a step wonld place the Confederate States under great obligations to the United States, and would engender a sentiment of friendship. It would, to be sure, result in the complete success of the Confederate cause ; but it would heal all feelings of wounded pride on our part, and perhaps ultimately restore the Union. I, for one, would then go for a re- establishment of the Union, on condition that all the JSTorthern men who do not agree with me should be hung or expelled from the country. If the United States would consent to this, and purge itself effectually of all men of opposite politics, I think we might be remiited and live together in peace. But so long as any one favorable to the United States government is tolerated in the North, I, for one, am opposed to the Union, and will urge the Confederate army to fight, and make all I can out of it. Let the United States government pursue a conciliatory policy and hang all its friends, however, and I believe then a happy peace will dawn upon this land, and the advocates of war will skulk away in terror and disgrace. Yours, truly, James B. Macpheeson. SECESSION DEMONSTEATION. 19 CHAPTEE III. The Great Secession Demonstration in New Orleans, AS Described by Louis T. Wigfall Macpherson. Note. — On the 20th February, 1863, a large number of rebel pris- oners left New Orleans to be exchanged. They were to have been taken on the steamer Empire Parish ; but that vessel met with some accident before she got off. The departure of these prisoners was made the occasion of a grand demonstration on the part of the seces- sion women of the city, who thronged the levee by thousands, to ex- press their sympathy for the_ cause of treason. The prisoners all went away with new suits of clothes, furnished by rebel women in the city, and would have carried other suits had the authorities per- mitted it. The assembly became so noisy and insolent, that a regi- ment of soldiers finally cleared the levee. Madisonville, La., February 28th, 1863. Sir : — I now forward a copy of the letter of my son Louis T. Wigfall, of the Confederate Army ; and here I deem it proper to state that I am a descendant of revolutionary sires, and consequently that I named my sons after the greatest lights of American history. They are: George Washington, Louis T. Wigfall, Thomas Jefferson, Roger A. Pryor, Ben. Wood, John C. Breckinridge, Andrew Jackson, Toussaint I'Ouver- ture, and 'Horatio Seymour. Those are the names of my nine boys in the army. The idiot I have named James Buchanan Floyd, the cripple Braxton Bragg, and the infant Mason Slidell. Having premised thus much, I will proceed with the letter : 20 THE macph:^son lettees. Louis T. Wig fall MacphersorCs Adventures in New Orleans. Louis T. Wigfall Macpherson writes : " I've had tlie biggest kind of a time sense you hnrd from Me last. I was took prisoner by the Yanks. I had sworn never to surrender alive, and I never would have done it, only M}^ back happened to be turned at the minit, and so they got Me and sent Me to New Orleans with the rest. They locked me up for a while, but then they let Me out on payroll in the streets, and I had the fredum of the sitty. " Well, as I went saunchering along the streets I met a lady whose dress and proud bearing told me at once she belonged to the alight, and so it proved. She stopped and looked at me inquiringly, and finally bend- ing her proud head towards me, she says : ' Pardon Me, sir, but isn't you a Confederate soljur V Says I : ^ Yes, miss, I is.' Says she to Me : ' I thought so by your prond and hauty bearing, and by your dilapidated gray garments, which is dearer in my eyes than the vestments of a monarch, or the costly robes of tbie Prince de Joinville.' Then I bent my hauty head to- wards her and said : ' I thank you, miss ; you do Me proud.' Then says she : ' Come and see us ;' and says I : '- Where do you live ;' Then she told me, and I went to see 'em that very night. " I found that the family belonged to the alight, and was all of the wright stripe. The lady had ate dau- ters, seven of them grown up, and all of them lovely and charming as rose-blossoms, and all as secesh as Lovell or Yallandigham. The old lady had a stick ADVENTURES. 21 about two feet long, wliich slie had saved from the rebel flagstaff at Fort Jackson ever since our victory there over Farrigut. It was beantifnl to see her wave this stick over the heads of her obediunt danters and hurrah for the Confederacy. " Says all of them to Me : ' Make this your home as long as you are in E"ew Orleans.' Says I : ' Thank you, kind ladies, I will do so ;' and I did. I staid in that house until I was exchanged, and it was beautiful and romantic to see the devotion of them lovely dauters of the South. I was as ragged as Lazarus, and hadn't a red, and so the old lady sent for a Confederate taylor, and had him make Me a sute of close — a nice gray uni- form ; and then they took Me up to the photographic gallery and had My likeness took. But this wouldn't do, and each of the ate dauters had a sute made, and each one of them presented me with a Confederate uni- form complete. " Purty soon the time cum to be exchanged on the Empire Parish, and then I put on my whole nine sutes at a time. I felt grand and looked like the Irysh jiunt, only not as tall. Says they all : ' We are sorry to lose your society, but the Confederacy needs your services, and we must let you go.' Then they all cryed. " It was now time to go down to the boat, and these lovely ladies was determined to show then* devotion to our hoely cawse. So the old lady took her stick, and she with the ate dauters, all wearing seceshun flags around their wastes, formed a holler square around Me, and I marched in the senter with them as a escort of onur. As we was going to the levee we met a Yank sojjur, who shouted out : ' Go it, grayback ! — ^you need 22 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. an escort of women.' Tlie old lady said : ' I'll take no insult from a Yank !' and then she knocked him down with the peace of the flag-staff allewded to ; and I ap- plawded her and the danters laft. It was a beautiful site to behold that woman bend her proud and hauty head and raise her delicate white snowy arm in the cawse of her country, and to see those lovely dauters, so alight, smiling sweetly upon her. " There was a glorious time at the Levee. Holler squares ke]3t coming in, and all true to the cawse ; and in order to show em I was not afrade to fite, I knocked a big nigger off the wharf into the river. Just as I was going a board, the old lady slapped Me on the shoulder ; but I didn't feel it, her hand was so delicate and I had so many sutes of gray close on. But says she : ' There's one thing I've forgot.' Then she ripped open my cuffs and coUers, and sode in a catalogue of Farragut's ships and General Banks's troops, saying: ' That's for Jeff. Davis.' Says I : ' Miss, I'm on my payi'oU of onur not to do so.' Says she : ^ A Confeder- ate paja-oU is not wuth a red,' or words to that effect ; and so after they had jDut a newspaper and a plug of tobacker in each pocket, they all kissed Me, and the old lady said : ' Brave son of the Confederacy ! — the alight of the city has come to see you off and to shour on your heads the blessings of patryotic matruns and spotless mades, and to fill your pockets with letters and to- backer, Axcept these toakuns of our patryotic devo- shun, and think of us when you are far above Baton Bouge !' Says I : ' Thanks, miss, to you and your ate alight dauters for your patryotic wishes, for the tobacker you have bestowed on my unworthy head, and for NEGEO SOLDIERS. 23 teaching me the value of a Confederate payroll of onur.' " Then I went aboard, and the old lady she swung her stick and we all give three cheers for Jeff. Davis ; and then I fell off of the paddle-box into the river, over- cmn with the manly emotions which swelled in my bosom. A Yank pulled me out, for I had so many close on I couldn't stur. If I ever meet him in battle I'll ring his neck for him. " I was so heavy with wet close and things that it took the whole ship's crew to jduU me out. They set me on the paddle-box, and I was so heavy that the whole concern broke down, and they had to put us on another ship. " As soon as we got up to Port Hudson, I sold all my close for $800 a sute, bringing me a total of $7,200, and now I'm perfectly destitute — haven't got a decent sute to put on. Send my order to the United States for a new uniform, and invest my money in salt and ship it up to Port Hudson on a flag-of-truce-boat im- mediately, and oblige " Your destitute son, " Loins T. "WiGFALL Macpheesoit, " Co. 1, 18th La. Yols." Mr. Macjphcrson^s Views on Negro Soldiers. I now wish to make a few remarks on the subject of negro soldiers. I am opposed to negroes in the abstract, and am dead set against having them enlisted as soldiers in the service of the United States ; and I regard such enlistments as inhuman, wicked, barbarous, and damna- ble beyond description. The English Dictionary does 24 THE MACP^EESON LETTEES. not contain adjectives strong enongli to paint tlie hor- rors of making Union soldiers of negroes; bnt when yon come to make tliem Confederate soldiers, I, for one, am in favor of it ; and if nine regiments are raised, I mean that each of my sons shall be a Colonel. I will then get my furlongh cancelled, and take the field in person, as a Brigadier-General, in command of the Macpherson Brigade. As soon as the war is over I will bny a plantation and set them at work on it, and I mean to be the largest slaveholder and antocrat in the Con- federacy. Yours respectfully, James B. Macpheeson. OATH OF ALLEGIANCE. 25 CHAPTEE ly. Macpiierson takes the Oath of Allegiance. — A Lettjmi riioM Jeff. Davis. — A Good Confederate Lady with Yankee Boarders. — A Gross Insult to the Confeder- acy, ETC., etc. Note. — Many secessionists in New Orleans took the oatli of alle- giance to tlie United States, merely to save their property from con- fiscation. It was not uncommon for them to boast that such was their only motive, and that they did not regard the oath as binding upon their consciences. This was true of some who gained their daily bread by boarding Federal officers. It was not an unusual spectacle to see ladies cross the street rather than pass under a flag of the United States ; this was one way in which they exhibited their hatred of the Union, and their sympathy for the rebel cause. Madisonville, La., March 7th, 18G3. Sir : — You should know that my letters in The Eka have been regularly forwarded to Jeff. Davis, at Eich- mond. With the one in last Sunday's paper, I sent a request that my furlough might be extended ; and in reply I received, by telegraph, the following : Letter from Jeff. Davis. " Richmond, Va., March 3. " My Deak Macpheeson : — I have received from time to time the copies of The Eea containing your wise and patriotic letters, which I have read with evei*- increasing pleasure. The sufferings of your family and the destitution which prevails among my subjects have touched my paternal heart; and I now recommend that you go at once to JS'ew Orleans and take the oath 26 THE MACPg:EESON LETTERS. of allegiance. Of course joii will understand tliat no oath is binding upon the conscience of a Confederate, unless taken before a Confederate magistrate. Having eaten enough to last you until your next visit, and made such observations as will be useful to the cause, you will return on the first flag-of-truce-boat, and im- mediately comm]inicate to me all information you can obtain. Also, bring your satchel full of edibles for your family. " I have directed my Adjutant-general, S. Cooper, to make out a new furlough for you, excusing you from all duty with your regiment, so long as you continue to write for The Eea. " I also forward herewith a commission for your son, John C. Breckinridge Macpherson, as Colonel of the 8th Georgia Negro Confederate Liberty Guards. " I am, my dear Mac, " Yom's in Confederate bonds, "Jeff. Davis." I was proud enough, the Lord knows, when I first saw my name printed in The Eea ; but what shall I say of my feelings when I received the above letter ? ^'Is it possible," I cried aloud, clasping my hands and raising my eyes impressively, in a manner which would do credit to Yining Bowers; "is it possible that the President of the new nation, the anchor of Southern independence, the flag-stafi" of our proud stars and bars, the chiefest demigod of Confederate mythology, has condescended to write to me in terms of fraternal en- dearment ?" I clasped my Idiotic Boy to my bosom, waved my letter aloft to heaven, seized my satchel, STRUGGLE WITH CONSCIENCE. 27 and, with emotions onlj equalled by those of Floyd when he first esj^ied the United States treasury build- ing, started hurriedly for 'New Orleans. MacphersoTi^s manly Struggle with Ms Conscience. The first encounter I had was with my own con- science. Said conscience to me : " Macpherson, re- member that thou art the descendant of revolutionary sires, the proud representative of an honorable house and name, the great light and mirror of Madisonville chivalry, and, more than all, the confidential agent of Jefi'. Davis, the greatest man that ever trod in Confed- erate shoes, worth $300 a pair. Then how canst thou, O Macpherson, lover of honor and hater of Yankees, raise thy hand to heaven and swear allegiance to a flag which, to thine illuminated mind, is the symbol of ungodly power and basest tyranny ? and how canst thou consent to eat the bread of Yankees, gotten under the false pretense that thou art faithful to their flag ? O Macphereon ! pause and go home !" But I told my conscience to dry up. Did not Daniel eat the bread of the pagan king, and was not Daniel bold as a lion ? " I will take the oath," said I, " but there is not Spaulding's glue enough among hving men to stick me to it !" Macpherson taJces the Oath of Allegiam.ce, Well, I went and took the oath. It was a matter of compulsion, because it was the only way I could get inside the lines without becoming a prisoner ; and when a man takes an oath under compulsion, he is allowed to 2S THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. break it the first chance. But when I went up to take the oath of allegiance, I asked the Yankee officer if he would have the goodness to let me look at the Bible before I swore. He kindly assented, and looking at the imprint I found it had been published in Boston, and was a regular abolition concern; and then con- science gave way, and said I could swear to any thing I chose on a Bible printed north of Mason and Dixon's line. I swore to a lot of stuff — more than I like to think of now ; but one of the points was that I would never bear arms ao-ainst the United States. But to this I mentally added the words, " so long as my fur- lough lasts," and my conscience went to sleep as sound- ly as though it had been soothed by twenty whisky- skins at Marble Hall. MacjyJieTson finds a good Confederate Lady. As I expected to remain in town most of the week, I resolved to find a boarding-house with some good Confederate who had taken the oath of allegiance. I soon discovered such a place — a house kept by a Con- federate lady, whose husband and three sons are in our army, boldly fighting for Southern independence, and who has taken the oath of allegiance to save the prop- erty from confiscation. I found this good lady to be true blue. " Macj^herson," said she, when I applied for board, "have you taken the oath of allegiance to the Abolitionists ?" I blushed all over, from tlie crown of my Confederate head to the soles of my Confederate shoes, as I replied, " Yes." " Well, then," said this brave lady, "if you have done that git out of this house ! Them as leaves the army when they ought to THE CONFEDERATE LADY. 29 be bearing the burden and beat of tbe Confederate day, mnsn't come sneaking around tbis bouse for sbelter. If I was a man, do you tbink I would be bere ? E"o sir-ee. I would bave a Jeif. Davis musket on my sboul- der, and would be sending deatb and blood abroad among tbe Yankees as a besom of destruction. "Wbere is my sons and busband ? Isn't tbey doing tbeir duty to tbe Confederacy on tbe bloody field, and one of tbem in tbe commissary department ! Ob ! I bate cowards and traitors, and a man as leaves tbe Confederacy and comes over to live on Yankee bread is all tbree com- bined in one mean baleful critter, wbo can't find no encouragement nor sbelter under tbis roof ! Git out of bere, James B. Macpberson ! — or I'll bave my nigger kick you into tbe gutter !" As sbe gave utterance to tbese noble and patriotic sentiments, ber tall form was erect, ber eyes flasbed witb Confederate fire like tbe bolts of Ofympian Jove ; ber fists were clencbed in tbe very ecstasy of anger, and cowering before ber for mercy, I could but feel tbat I was in tbe presence of a goddess. " Minerva of Louisiana !" I exclaimed, kneeling be- fore ber — " Pallas Atbene of tbe Confederacy ! let me explain to you tbe manner and meaning of my visit. Allow me to — " Just at tbis stage of my address, tbe good lady's nig- ger, in obedience to a wave of ber band, came steal tbi- ly bebind me, opened tbe door, and seizing me by tbe collar, kicked me out of tbe bouse, landing me square in tbe gutter. I sat tbere a considerable time, wben suddenly a Yankee officer approacbed, and be asked me into bis 30 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. room. To mj astonisliment, he walked into the very house from which I had just heen so summarily ejected. I sat down and wrote an explanation of my position, and sent it to the good lady. In -^ye minutes she sent for me, said she was delighted to see me, proud to have me under her roof, and that I needn't pay a picayune for board as long as I staid there. She then had the nigger whij)ped for kicking me out, and from that mo- ment we were fast friends. I found that her house was fiill of Yankee officers, except two beautiful young ladies who boarded there, and were true as steel to the Confederacy. " How comes it, madam," I inquired, " that a woman of your proud and patriotic spirit ever consented to take the oath of allegiance, or to have your establish- ment supported by Yankee officers ?" " Because," replied the good lady, " necessity is the mother of invention, and being a mother myself I can appreciate it. As to taking the oath of allegiance, that don't amount to nothing. The oath never went through my teeth ; it was necessary to save my proper- ty, and I say it boldly, I have no more respect for that oath than I have for the President of Hayti. As to the Yankee boarders, the times has been when there wasn't Confederate treasury notes enough in Jacob Barker's safe to hire me to feed a Yankee officer ; but times has changed, and finding that I could live on Yankees and hate 'em at the same time, I yielded to the mother of invention." If Mrs. Macpherson could have looked into my heart, as the good lady gave utterance to the above honorable and patriotic sentiments, I fear she might have been INSULTED BY THE FLAG. 31 jealous of the lively admiration with which the good lady inspired me. But whatever emotions were rising in my heart were suddenly overwhelmed by a great event. The two yonng ladies referred to previously., came into the room, trembling with excitement and pale with ghastly anger. " Has it' come to this !" cried the beautiful maiden. " Are we to be insulted at our very doors !" My chivalric Madisonville blood was aroused by the sight of suffering beauty. " Haste me to know it !" I cried, springing to my feet, " that I, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, may have the vile ruffian whipped. Where is the big nigger that kicked me out of doors ? Madam, bring him hither, that we may avenge the injuries of your house !" " Such insolence 1" cried the beautiful maiden, " and at our very door ! I never !" and she stamped her deli- cate foot upon the carpet, as though she would crush the United States beneath it. " What's the matter ?" demanded the good lady, in tones of angelic thunder. But the beautiful maiden could not answer. She be- came speechless with patriotic rage, and fell to the earth, pointing to the door and gasping with her fiiint- ing breath — " The flag !— the flag !" Hastening to the door, we beheld a loathsome spec- tacle. The man living near our door, a citizen of ]^^ew Orleans, had displayed a United States flag from his dwelling. A more gross insult to the Confederacy and to the good people who have taken the oath of allegiance to oiJ THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. save tlieir property, could not be imagiiiecl. As the good lad}^ gazed upon that detestable emblem of tyranny and bloody despotism, to wbich slie bad taken the oath of allegiance, she ground lier teeth together, so that you could hear them around the corner. Then we shut the door, and all fainted. As soon as we recovered, we held a family consulta- tion, and it was discussed whether to leave for the Con- federacy or to commit suicide. The beautiful maiden argued in favor of the latter course, as a sentimental way of serving the Confederacy. " How romantic 1" she exclaimed ; " what a splendid subject for a Confed- erate Sylvanus Cobb ! — what a touching picture for the artist of Hmyer'S Weekly or Frank Leslie's Illus- trated I — Oh ! let us commit suicide, and be first in the book of Confederate martyrs, as a lovely matron and maid, who died rather than live under the flag to which they had taken the oath of allegiance, to save their property ! I wish," she added with a sigh, which moved me to tears, "that the whole Southern Confederacy would commit suicide !" This noble and patriotic sentiment would have pre- vailed, only we w^ished to preserve the property and make some more money out of the Yankees ; and so we decided that every time we went out of the house, we would go bolt across the street and walk on the other side until we had passed the hateful flag, and then recross the street, thus omitting to walk under it. And the ladies went and took down the name and number of the man who had committed this outrage against the Confederacy, and I immediately sent the memorandum on to Jeff. Davis, askiug his protection. TELEGRAM TO JEFF. DAVIS. 33 Just before leaving ISTew Orleans, I got very drunk. In tliat state I went to the telegraph office and got Bulklej to send the following dispatch to Jeif. Davis : " Dear Javis : — Honor report drunkenness alarming extent. Banks's army thoroughly demented — 18 divi- sions actual mutiny manifestations increasing ladies true great want of Madisonville bread and whisky. Full particulars in full letters by next dispatch. Block- ade broken and Federal fleet sunk. Mac. I fear the head of the new nation can't comprehend the above, but it is less obscure than the Southern Con- federacy, and he professes to understand that. Yours untiringly, James B. Macpherson^. P. S. — My Idiotic Boy is preparing an attack on the Know ]N"othings and Pilgrim Fathers, which will be sent to the TT%ie Delta for publication. J. B. M„ 34 THE MACP^EESOIS' LETTEES. CHAPTEE Y. Macpherson, Journeying to Madisonville, sees the Great Confederate Cross in the Heavens. — He is seized by Arizonian Guerillas, and taken to the Place of Ex- ecution. — His Escape from Death, etc. Note. — The New Orleans Picayune, of Marcli 7tli, contained tlie following extraordinary announcement of a great phenomenon in the heavens : A Cross in the Heavens. — A well-defined cross was seen in the sky over Kingston, N. C, some two weeks since. A correspondent, writing from that point to the Wilmington (N. C.) Journal, gives the following description of the phenomenon : " The moon rose cloudless. At a little before seven o'clock, two bright spv-^ts, some twelve degrees (Qr. in extent f) were visible, one North and the other South, and immediately thereafter a cross was seen in the heavens, the moon joining the four arms of the cross. About half-past eight o'clock the Northern light went out, but the cross and the spot to the South remained until past ten, when I re- tired. Can any one tell when the cross appeared before since the days of Constantine, when the letters of I. H. S. accompanied the sign ?" Sibley, it is known, commanded a body of Arizonian cavalry ; and a detachment of these wild and irregular troops one day " gobbled " a correspondent of The Era. He was made to follow them nineteen hours, when he was released in consideration of his gold watch and fifty dollars. The Memphis Appeal was in high favor with the seces- sionists of New Orleans, and its reports of rebel successes were about as truthful as the account contained in Macpherson's letter. The guerillas were much given to destroying the telegraph within our lines. IVIadisonville, La., February 14th, 1863. SiE : — I approach mj subject with awe and supersti- tion. I am the ilhiminated Confederate who saw the Great Cross in the Heavens, described by the Wihnmgton NAEKOW ESCAPE FKOM DEATn. 35 Joitrnal, and reverently believed by tlie New Orleans Picayune. It will be remembered tbat, on the occasion of my recent visit to E'ew Orleans, where I took tlie oath of allegiance to tlie United States, in order to get some- tliing to eat, I left tbat city in a state of beastly intox- ication. In one pocket of my breeches I had a bottle of whisky, and in the other a copy of the Picayune^ of the 7th inst. As I crossed the line and set foot npon the sacred soil of my beloved Confederacy, I cried alond : " Hail, sweet Confederacy ! — ^land of m}^ ancestors ! — land for which George Washington was shot at by an Indian seventeen times, in a single battle ! — for wdiich Jackson fought at ]N'ew Orleans — for which Bnrgoyne sur- rendered at Saratoga Springs, as thousands have done since ! — welcome thy faithful Macpherson once more to thy Confederate bosom ! What graphic recollections of hunger and thirst crowd upon my patriotic mind, as I tread again thy consecrated soil with a new pair of shoes! For thy sake, I see Ethan Allen demanding the surrender of Ticonderoga, Columbus prowling around in search of the New World, and the Pilgrim Fathers building huts in the wilds of New England ! " Narrow Escape from. Death. Just at this stage of my apostrophe, I was startled by a loud crash, and a flashing line of iire from the thicket in my rear, followed by a voice which cried : "Die, base Yankee dog!" The Confederate picket had been deceived by my allusion to the Pilgrim 36 THE MACPHER30N LETTERS. Fathers and ISlew England, and, suj)posing I was a Yankee, liad fired npon nie a whole volley of Confed- erate musketry. Overcome by a strong emotion of fear, I fell prostrate npon the soil, and was left for dead. But gathering myself np, I soon discovered that I w^as as alive as ever, and that the only result of the volley had been to deprive me of a considerable portion of my pantaloons. - Grateful for my deliverance from premature and un- natural homicide, I fell into a train of serious reflection ; and conscience, with a heavy hand, chastised me for approaching my native land in a state of beastly in- toxication. I therefore fell upon my knees, and took the pledge of perpetual temperance. I vowed in the most solemn manner that never again, while life should last or the Confederacy endure, would I, under any cir- cumstances, taste, touch, or handle one drop of spirituous or malt liquors, wine, Louisiana rum, or cider. I then danced a double-shuffle, and chanted the Bonnie Blue Flag,-w\\h. a snatch oi Stonewall Jackson's Grand March. Overcome by patriotic emotions, I determined to modify my temperance pledge so far as to take one big swig of whisky. And as I had now come within sight of Madisonville, I sat down by the fence, and taking the bottle from my pocket, cried aloud : " O Eacchus ! son of Jupiter and Semelo, thou the victim of Juno's unrelenting hatred, who didst cause the women of Thebes to run wildly through the woods like Confed- erate Gorillas, to thee I dedicate my last parting drink 1" I then took the biggest swig of whisky I ever took in my life, and the effect was so pleasing, that I kept drinking until the bottle was empty. 37 The Vision. In this frame of mind, and wliile still seated by the liighway, under the fence, I imagined myself at home in my own room. I trnst I shall be excused for allud- ing to the subject, but the truth of history requires me to state, that under this strange impression I undressed myself and went to bed, hanging the remnants of my pantaloons on a fence post, believing it to be a chair. Little did I imagine that my bed was Confederate soil, and my shelter the brave o'erhanging firmament, the majestical roof fretted with golden fire. Yet, so it was, and there, upon the all-nourishing bosom of the Con- federacy, there on the liighway, in the sight of the spires of Madison ville, I lay down under the fence and slept the sleep of intoxicated innocence, dreaming of Jefi". Davis, the Confederate States of America, Con- stantino, Temperance, Bacchus, and Macpherson. ^ow it was that a wonderful vision broke upon my bewildered gaze, which I fear the English language is too feeble to describe. ISTevertheless, I will try. JVox erat. The moon arose cloudless. At a little before seven o'clock two bright spots, about twelve degrees, w^ere visible, one north and the other south, and immediately a cross was seen in the heavens, the moon joining the four arms of the cross. About half-past eight o'clock the northern light went out, but the cross and the spot to the south remained until past ten, when I became too drunk to look at it longer, and retired again to the soil of the Confed- eracy. 38 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. The vision, according to tlie best of my recollection, which, I admit, is somewhat obscure, presented the fol- lomng appearance : 'EN TOU- (ffpl) TO NIKA * c As I have already stated, the northern light went ont at half-past eight o'clock, and by casting his eyes at the above diagram of the vision, the reader will per- ceive that the northern light was Jeff. Davis. Having gone to sleep at half-past ten, I turned un- easily on the soil and partially awoke, exclaiming: "Heaven sends miraculous signs whereby it maketh known its approval of the Confederacy. I will imbrue my hands in Yankee blood, and do such sanguinary deeds as will make the name of Macpherson synony- mous with human gore. My new shoes shall become slippery with homicidal claret." ■"■ " Witli tliis you will conquer." The words seen by Constantine on the cross in the sky. THE AEIZONIAN" GOEILLA. 39 Advent of the Arizonian Gorilla, Just at this stage of my patriotic address, I was in- terrupted by a voice like that of Mars, when he roared amid the ranks of the contending Greeks and Trojans, far on the ringing plains of windy Troy. It said : " Death to the ' American fanatic and the blind and vindictive Unionist !' " " That remark," I replied, arousing myself, " is a quotation from the True Delta's editorial of the 12th inst. Allow me to inquire to whom you refer in that noble and patriotic expression f " To you, vile abolition renegade ! — you, ' American fanatic and blind and vindictive Unionist !' — you, impu- dent hireling of Abraham Lincoln, a bloodier despot than Nero — a man whose shameless and sanguinary deeds, compared with those of Caligula or Helioga balus, stand black as a Congo African beside a spotless maiden !" " Allow me to inquire," I responded, " to whom I am indebted for the expression of these noble and patriotic sentiments, at this lonely hour, while the celestial ^dsion whispers peace to my Confederate bosom ?" " I am the Arizonian," he shouted, while the woods trembled with the roar of his beautiful voice ; " I am the Chief Gorilla, whose will is Confederate law. I am the bloody avenger of my country's wrongs — the gobbler-up of Yankee emissaries and Eea correspond- ents, whose purpose to tear out thy vile heart is as relentless as destiny. I am Don Antonio Maria de Santiago Sibley !" And then he smote his breast and howled. 40 THE ]SIAC»HERSON LETTERS. " Pardon me," I replied, '' for interrupting yon ; bnt allow me to inquire if yon have the latest news through Southern sources ?" He then drew from his pochet the latest Memjphis Appeal, and read as follows : " We have to record a great Confederate victory over the Hessians, at Madisonville, but the lateness of the hour and the scarcity of rum will not permit us to give full details. Suffice it to say that Gen. Bragg passed through Madisonville on the 12th inst. with a force of four hundred thousand volunteers, and after marching forty-five miles encountered the Yankees with greatly superior numbers. The fight lasted eighteen hours, and the Yankees were totally routed. " On the first discharge of our musketry, fifteen thou- sand Ohio troops fell dead. At the close of the en- gagement we buried two hundred and eighty-seven thousand of the enemy's slam. Not a man was hurt on our side, notwithstanding we were exposed to a terrible and destructive fire from the enemy's batteries for a day and a half. " Nine hundred batteries,* two hundred thousand prisoners, a million stand of arms, nineteen major-gen- erals, and thirty thousand commissioned officers are among the spoils of our victory. The commissioned officers will be turned over to Gov. Moore for execution, and the privates will be offered double pay and com- missions to join the Confederate service. " Gen. Bragg will reach New Orleans on the 13th inst., at daylight. " Stonewall Jackson is at Madisonville with eighty- four thousand prisoners. CONFEDERATE WAR BULLETETS. 41 Later. " ]^ot one of the enemy survived. Those who were not killed were mortally wounded. " England has recognized the Sonthern Confederacy, and a French fleet has blockaded ]^ew York and Phil- adelphia. Lincoln is a j)risoner. Still Later. " We regret to learn that Gen. Bragg's victory was not so decisive as at first supposed. He has f^illen hack upon Madison ville, and thinks he will be able to hold his position. Latest. " The enemy is in full possession of the field, and has advanced two miles. It is believed that Gen. Bragg's loss is but little more than that of the enemy. Full particulars in our next edition." As the Gorilla read the above reliable intelligence, I had an opportunity to survey the extraordinary person before me. His brow was dark almost to blackness ; his shoulders were as broad as those of Hercules ; his breast was covered with a shaggy Confederate blanket, and his breeches were made of leather. His beard and hair nearly swept the ground, while his head was sur- mounted by a hat with a broad and dilapidated brim. He carried a lasso in his hand, and hurling it with Arizonian agility, he caught me round tlie neck and drew me to his horse's feet with the strength of Dr. Wind ship. He then ordered me to prepare to march immediately to the place of execution. 42 THE MACPHERSON LETTEES. The Vision Explained, As I took my nnmentionables from the fence, I found, much to mj astonishment, that the two arms of the cross disappeared, and I discovered that the fence stake on which they had been hanging, formed the upright part of the great celestial vision, and that the moon, shining through the large hole in the above-mentioned garment, had given it the appearance of joining the four arms of tlie cross, while the Greek inscription and the cabalistic letters w^ere easily accounted for by the vividness of my imagination, and the presence of the Picayune in one of my pockets. " Idiot !" shouted the Gorilla, " mount a steed and make haste, for to-morrow thou shalt die." I obeyed, and we started off, the squadron all singing a song of which I remember only the following : " I am tlie bold Gorilla ; I wears a ragged sliirt ; My face is like Attila, All covered o'er with dirt. * Upon tlie Mississippi, I walk along so sly, A-watching for to wliip a Gunboat a-sailing by. " We've stolen many chickens, We've emptied many a cup ; We've given the Yankees lickings ; We are the Gobblers-up !" This beautiful and patriotic song was interrupted by the sight of a telegraph pole, which immediately in- S]3ired the Gorilla and ]iis followers with imcontrollable MAOPHEESON EANSOMS HIMSELF. 43 rage. " Cut the connection !" was the sliout, and dash- ing boldly forward in line, they demolished the tele- graph pole, and cut the wire in thirty-live pieces with their sabres ; after which we resumed our march, over rough and dangerous roads, impenetrable swamps, and impassable bayous, occasionally stopping to turn a family out of the house, or to rob a hen-roost. In nineteen hours we arrived at the place of execu- tion — a beautiful and romantic spot, surrounded by mud and overhung with cypress-trees. "Now," said the Arizonian, " prepare for instant death !" " Is there nothing," I asked, " that will- change thy relentless purpose ?" " Nary," he replied. " I am a patriot, and no base considerations move me. I despise the Yankees for their siDeculations — their mean tricks of traffic ; I hate them, because they may be approached with bribes, and will sell out for gold or greenbacks. But, as for me," he continued, haughtily smiting his bosom, ''I am swayed only by chivalric devotion to my country. I was educated at West Point, at the expense of the United States, and think I got the best of the Yankees when I turned against them, notwithstanding their shrewdness. So did Beauregard. But to what didst thou allude, Macpherson, when thou didst ask if any thing might not change my purpose ?" " I alluded," was my answer, " to the condition of the exchequer. I know that such patriots must live, and that Confederate hen-roosts are much exhausted, and on condition that you spare my valuable life, I will contribute to your financial resources." " Hast a gold watch '^" asked the unselfish patriot. 44 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. "I have." " Hast greenbacks ?" "Iliave." " Greenbacks," qnoth tbe Gorilla, " are not as good as ISTew Orleans sliinplasters and car-tickets. I prefer ragged three-dollar bills cnt in two in the middle, for they remind me of charity concerts, the proceeds of which are used to clothe Confederate prisoners." " Thy wisli shall be gratified, most noble of patriots !" I answered ; " I will give thee my gold watch, and $50 in cut bills, in exchange for my valuable life." " I consider I have got the best of the bargain," said tlie Gorilla, as he smilingly appropriated the money and watch. " Macpherson, thou hast paid more than thy life is worth." I then returned to Madisonville, thinking of the noble patriotism of those men, actuated only by the love of the new nation, and longing in my heart to kill a Yankee or destroy a telegraph pole. Yours, perseveringly, James B. Macpheeson^. THE MACPHEKSON FESTIVAL. 45 CHAPTER YI. A Full Account of the Great Macpherson Festival at THE House of the Noble Woman, in New Orleans. Note. — Previous to the departure of tlie Britisli war-vessel Rinal- do from tlie port of New Orleans, in tlie spring of 1863, a party was given to the officers of tliat ship at the house of a secessionist, in great secrecy. The officers had, on every occasion, exhibited their sympathy for the rebel cause, and the party was composed only of faithful secessionists. The toasts, songs, and all proceedings were of the worst rebel description. A flag of the United States was thrown under the table, where all present trampled upon it, and the rebel colors were displayed and honored. The tickets of the New Orleans City Railroad Company are used for small change, their value being a picayune — five cents. At the time this letter was written, the secessionists confidently expected " StonewaU" Jackson to capture the city. Indeed, the race of those who expect to see the rebel power re-established in New Orleans, is not yet extinct ; but as the armies of the " Confederacy" are driven back and defeated by our forces, the rumors of large rebel armies, just ready to dash in upon the city, become more vague and less frequent. Madisonville, La., March 21st, 1863. Sir : — I arrived in I^ew Orleans on Saturday, ac- companied by my Idiotic Boy, and had scarcely regis- tered my name at the St. Charles, when I was imme- diately surrounded by a great crowd of admiring friends, who thanked me for my able defense of the Confederacy, and for my brilliant assaults upon the United States. I replied, that the Confederacy alone was worthy of our devotions, and that I received their kind remarks, not as a compliment to me, but to the Confederacy I represented ; and they admitted that such was the fact. I had long believed that I was a 46 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. descendant of German ancestors, and in order to settle the question definitely, I measured heads with a Dutch- man, and as our heads were exactly of the same size, I considered my Gothic descent fully established. Bnt the principal object of my visit to the city was to accept the invitation of a ]!^oble Woman — a widow, whose husband has lost his life in the cause of the Con- federacy. This lady, charmed both by my patriotism and my literary abilities, had begged that I would visit her, in company with my Idiotic JBoy, and promised to give me a grand dinner and festival if I should accept ; and I will now give you a full account of The Great Macjpherson Festival. I found, on entering the house, that the most elabo- rate preparations had been made for my reception, and neither time, car-tickets, nor labor had been spared to make the occasion worthy of the great purpose. A mammoth hoop-skirt had been manufactured ex- pressly for the banquet, so large that it filled the whole room. This was spread over the table and surmounted by a Confederate flag a hundred and sixty feet long, the Avhole forming a beautiful and spacious canopy. The Noble Woman and her daughters had a Confed- erate flag in each breadth of skirt, while a miniature flag-staff had been fixed into the back of their heads, from which gracefully streamed the emblem of the new nation, and saucy rebel rosettes covered their craniums, beautifully mingling and contrasting the Confederate colors with the darkness of their shining raven locks. The concave of the spacious canopy was decorated 47 with appropriate mottoes and inscriptions, painted in beautiful red ink, which would make a column of the Eea ; but I shall give only a few of the most striking, to-wit : " Oil, welcome, great Macpherson I Our hearts no more are liglit ; We breathe a bitter curse on Our Yankee foes to-night." " The Confedekact : It must and shall be pre- served." — Andrew Jackson Davis. " Die, Base Yankee Dog !" — James B. Macjpher- son. "I Aisi Opposed to ]N^egroes m the Abstract." — lUd. As I entered the house, followed by my Idiotic Boy, the Noble Woman advanced, and bowing in a stately and inviting manner, said : " Welcome, great Confeder- ate ! — Literary Light of Madisonville and New Orleans ! — you who have defended us when our rights were in peril, and stood up to the scratch when Lovell sold the city to Farragut ! — we wish to pay a tribute to your great abilities, which is only equalled by your devotion to the Confederacy." To whicb I replied, that I did not regard this as a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy I represented. A nigger fiddler, who had been hired for the performance, now struck up Beaurega/rd'^8 March, and we all danced a jig around the table. A retired and secluded residence had been selected, and the door was locked, double-bolted, and chained, while the windows were barricaded with empty barrels and cotton bales, to hide the light and prevent the 48 THE MACPHERSON LETTEKS. noise being heard outside. "These precautions are necessary," said the Noble "Woman, " because the peo- ple of 'New Orleans live in a condition of abject bond- age. "We are not permitted to arm ourselves against the United States, nor to keep heavy ordnance in our houses preparatory to a Confederate insurrection, nor can we have Confederate processions unless we attend funerals, nor boldly hurrah for Jeff. Davis." " Unhappy j^eople !" I exclaimed, my heart wrung w^ith the deepest pity ; " you remind me of Prometheus, the son of lapetus, and the instructor of mortals, who is said to have surpassed all men in sagacity. For having brought fire from heaven to earth in a hollow cane, he was chained to a rock with an eagle to prey upon his liver. Even so, enslaved ones, are you bound to an unhappy destiny, with bands of iron and hooks of steel, and the American eagle is gnawing out your vitals. But let not your hearts be filled with despair, for in thirty thousand years Hercules, the son of Jupiter, hastened to his relief, snapped asunder his bonds, and he, Prometheus still, arose clothed with all the dignity of Southern independence. And as promptly as Her- cules hastened to the relief of Prometheus, shall Stone- wall Jackson come to sna]3 the Yankee bonds which chain this enslaved people to an unhappy destiny, and you shall arise and shine in the light of the Confed- eracy ! He may be expected Anno Domini 31,863, if nothing happens, meantime, to prevent. "Were it not for the scarcity of provisions existing at Madisonville, I would invite the enslaved populace to visit that classi- cal town, and extend to all the freedom of the city in a box. But at present that is impracticable." ADDRESS. 49 A great many gnests had been invited, male and female, and all of tliem first-class Confederates, and neutral citizens and foreign subjects. 'No small-fry were present, I assure you. I was introduced to each one, and they all compli- mented me until I blushed ; but I told them I did not consider it a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy which I represented. At last the time came for dinner, and we formed a procession in the parlor and marched in under the magnificent canopy. As I entered the room, the nigger struck up, "Hail to the Chief!" when the whole assem- bly gave three cheers for Macpherson and Jefif. Davis. I replied : " I thank you for these manifestations of your kindness, but I do not consider it a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy which I represent." Whereupon we all sat down. Two niggers then entered the room with a United States flag in a miniature cofiin. It was taken out and spread under the table, and we all tramped on it. Then the nigger played the Mansfield Lovell Quichstej) up the Jackson Railroad^ when the JSToble Woman said : " Ladies and gentlemen — we have assembled this night to honor the great light of Confederate literature, James B. Macpherson. [Deafening sensation.] I have erected this hoopskirt canopy as an appropriate emblem of the courage, valor, and daring deeds of the Confederates who still reside in JSTew Orleans. For, to the disgrace of the United States be it said, such is the uninterrupted and infamous tyranny under which we groan, that the brave sons of the Confederacy who now inhabit this unhappy city, and even French subjects and British 50 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. sailors, are compelled to seek protection and safety amid the skirts of our beautiful women ; and here alone it is, in secluded places, witli double-bolted doors and barricaded windows, with hushed voices and throbbing hearts, stimulated by champagne and nigger-fiddling, and overshadowed and concealed by a mammoth skirt, that we are permitted to trample upon the flag of the United States, that detestable emblem of despotism, whose stri]3es are painted with innocent Confederate blood, and whose stars are more malignant than Sirius !" As the J^oble Woman uttered the closing sentence of her eloquent invective, an electric shock of patriotic rage ran around the table, similar to that which one would experience holding on to a galvanic battery or grabbing the electric eel, and rising to our feet we swore eternal and undying devotion to the Confederacy. The l!^oble "Woman then said that as I had not had any thing to eat for several days, I had better proceed uninter- ruptedly with my dinner, and speak afterward. To which I replied that I did not regard it as a compli- ment to me personally, but to the Confederacy which I represented. Having eaten, the cloth was removed, and then it was that the fun commenced. " The first regular toast was given by the IToble Woman. It was : " Macpheeson." The whole assembly arose, and I was drunk standing, when the audience called out : " Speech ! " To which I replied : " I thauk you, enslaved citizens of ITew Or- leans, lovely women with shining locks, and eyes radiant with beauty, countenances rivalling those which come to us in our dreams of fairy-land — brave and stalwart men, devoted to the Confederacy, but prudently wait- THE REGULAR TOASTS. 51 ing for tlie coming of Stonewall Jackson before yon risk yonr lives in the glorions canse — Frencli subjects and English mariners, justly abusive towards the United States, and enjoying its protection — I thank you all for this spontaneous and undeserved manifestation of your good-will, but I do not regard it as a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy I represent." The second regular toast was then announced : ^' Death to the Yankees." Drunk standing, and music by the nigger. Third regular toast : " Confusion to Faeeagut." At the mention of this name the whole assembly turned pale, except the nigger, who instantly struck up the Ram Hollins Polka. Unable to restrain my rage, I emptied two bottles without stopping. Fourth regular toast : " Jeff. Davis and the South- ern Confederacy — may they float over the l^orth American continent, so long as a loyal Confederate is himting for the last ditch." Air : Bragg'^s Murfreesbord' Lament, Fifth regular toast : " The Press of ITew Orleans." Eesponse by my Idiotic Boy, James Buchanan Mac- pherson, Jr., whose noble and patriotic address was re- ceived with shouts of applause; and the moment my Idiotic Boy sat do^vn, he was surrounded by the great- est secessionists of the city, and by foreign subjects, who shook him by the hand, and told him he talke^"^ much like their greatest sages, that he ought no longe. to be called an idiot. But a chap who hadn't said much previously, but had sat reading the newspapers, approached me and said : " Mr. Macpherson — for your genius and patriotism I 52 THE MACPHEESON LETTEKS. have the greatest respect ; but as for your boy, he is a humbug. The speech which he palmed off on the audience is not original, but was stolen bodily from the Picayunes editorials of the iTth and 19th inst., with a few alterations for the better ; and for my part, I con- sider the young man's idiocy fully established." He then handed me copies of the papers referred to, and, upon examining them, I found that my poor boy had copied his speech, word for word, from them, with some trifling alterations, and I ordered him to leave the house. '' The name of Macpherson," I said, " is the synonym of honor, and the undying antagonist of pla- giarism, and I do this to show you that the man whom you this night feed, will sacrifice paternal endearment to the principles of integrity." Yolunteer toasts were now called for, and arising with my most fascinating bow, I proposed, " The Ladies." To which the JN'oble Woman responded: " The ladies of this City, that is, them that deserves to be called ladies, is true to the Confederacy; for the moment that a female is decently civil to a Yankee, she should, and in my estimation does, forfeit the name of lady. I hope the time will come when, like the royal Saxons, from whom we have descended, we may drink champagne from the skulls of our enemies ; and when the freedom of speech and of the press shall be restored, so that those who whisper Union may be hung to a lamp-post." As the ]N"oble "Woman uttered these sublime and patriotic sentiments, I was animated with overpowering admiration, and springing to my feet, I cried : ' O Hebe ! step-daughter of cloud-compelling Jove, and MACPHEESON IN DISGRACE. D6 spouse of serpent-strangling Hercnles, now indeed do I believe that Jupiter dismissed thee from the skies, and sent thee to 'New Orleans ! Snch elevated sentiments as the beautiful being before me has expressed, could not have emanated from lips wholly mortal, and verily do I believe that the sweet orator who just took her seat is the Hebe of the South, crowned with immortal youth I " Champagne now flowed down the table in torrents, and the scene became one of unalloyed enjoyment. Youth, beauty, genius, there mingled together in songs of sweet accord to the Confederacy, until one by one the guests disappeared, leaving me alone beneath the spacious canopy, with an unfinished bottle before me. I tried to think of a subject for my next letter, but all was dim, uncertain, and confused. As clouds driven by the wdnds chase each other fitfully across the pale moon's face, even so flitted the thoughts and visions of the undersigned ; and as the hollow sea at last engulfs the wrecked mariners struggling vainly for life, even so were the thoughts of Macpherson, vainly struggling for shape, form, and consistency, lost in the wide ocean of unconsciousness. And in conclusion, let me warn young men never to drink any thing intoxicating ; for now it was that the name of Macpherson was first brought into disgrace. I fell under the table in a condition of drunken insen- sibility, from which I Avas partially aroused the next morning by a scream from the Noble Woman and her daughters. They, in fact, entered the dining-room the next morning after the great festival, and there discovered 54 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. me stretched npon tlie floor, witli tlie detested flag whicli Tte had so eagerly trodden under foot wrapped about my j)erson, as I had mistaken it far a Confederate blanket. Incensed at an insnlt so gross, the J^oble Woman and her daughters, without giving me time to arouse and explain, fell upon me with broomsticks and pokers, driving me into the street. I was still too drunk to realize what had happened, and actually walked the whole length of Canal-street wrapped in the folds of that detested flag, exciting the aduxiration of all Yankees, the indignation of Confederates, the grin of darkies, and the loud yells of a procession of boys who followed me to my lodgings. There niy Idiotic Boy tore the hated emblem from the person of his ven- erated father, and we put back to Madisonville, without stopping once to drink. Yours in disgrace, James B. Macpheeson. MACPHEESON AS A PHILOSOPHER. 55 CHAPTEE YII. Macpherson setting- up as a Confederate Philosopher EXPLAINS the Distinction of Races to his Idiotic Boy. — Advent, History, and Adventures of the Unhappy Cuss. — Macpherson captured by Duryea's Zouaves. — Interview with the "Southern Source," etc., etc. Note. — It is well known tliat " tlie cliivalry" were accustomed, be- fore the war, to claim for tliemselves superiority of blood, culture, and refinement. The reader will need no instruction to recognize in the " Unhappy Cuss," a representative of that class of Northerners who used to come to the South, and change their principles with the climate ; and who were prepared to change them as often as their pecuniary interests required. Contraband trade across Lake Pont- chartrain v/as carried on to a considerable extent, and at great risk ; the cargoes frequently falling into the hands of the military. But when the rascals succeeded in eluding the military and getting their cargoes into the market, they realized rich returns. About the time this letter was written, Pontchatoula, a village in Eastern Louisiana, was captured by an expedition under Colonel Clark, con- sisting of the Sixth Michigan regiment and the Second Duryea's Zouaves (165th New York). "News through Southern Sources," was the title under which the secession press of New Orleans was ac- customed to publish the mild sensation reports of rebel victories that were sent from Jackson and Mobile, to comfort the faithful seces- sionists of the Crescent City. These reports were frequently without the slightest foundation in truth, and the " Southern Source" became the synonym of unblushing mendacity. Madison viLLE, La., March 28tli, 1863. Sir : — It was a cloudless and lovely afternoon, and a refreshing breeze brought to my nostrils all tlie com- mingled odors of Madisonville, as I sat in the open door of my Hospitable Abode, half asleep. J\Iy mind wandered back to Plato, the greatest philosopher of the G-reeks, and 56 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. I therefore determined to set up as a Confederate Philos- opher. It was not long before an opportunity of enter- ing upon this new and honorable career presented itself; for my Idiotic Boy approached and asked me what a Yankee is. I replied : " An abolitionist." " What is an abolitionist ?" inquired the imbecile youth. " A Hessian," I answered. " What is a Hessian ?" persisted the youth. " Sweet Idiot !" I said, " the human family is divided into two great classes — Southerners and Yankees. The Southerners are a superior race, and inevitable gentle- men. On the other hand, all who are not born inside the Confederate lines are Yankees, Abolitionists, and Hessians, which, in the Confederate lexicon, are synony- mous terms. The Yankees are an inferior race by birth, and are forever unfit to associate on terms of social equality with Southerners. My advice to all future generations is. Be born in the Confederacy. Otherwise, they will lack that chivalric and indescri- bable grace which belongs to every white man born in the Confederacy — that charm which clings to your re- vered father, and which, thank heaven, I can visibly trace in thee, my poor. Idiotic Boy." Advent df the TJnliajpjpy Cuss, The Idiot wept for joy, and clasping him to my bosom in a glow of paternal pride and fondness, we mingled our Confederate tears together, when the touching and beautiful scene was interrupted by the apj)roaching footsteps of a stranger, whose grief-stricken countenance unmistakably indicated that he was the Unhappy Cuss. 57 " Who art tlioii ? whence comest, and whither goest f I inquired. " I am," he answered " a victim- of the greatest mis- fortune that can fall to the lot of articulate-speaking men !" " Alas ! wretched one," I answered, " make known the cause of this calamity, and I pledge my assistance." " Thanks, generous and sublime Macpherson !" quoth the stranger, " great and admired Confederate philoso- pher, for thy proffered help ; bnt, alas ! my malady is beyond mortal aid !" " Unhappy Cuss !" I exclaimed, in a tone of meek pity ; " Despair is the twin-brother of Death, and the system of philosophy I am abont to bring to light, em- braces this great principle, that when a man won't stand by himself, no one is longer obligated to stand by him." "V/'isest of all Confederates!" responded the Un- happy Cuss, " greatest of living teachers ! thy maxims of philosophy may place thy name on record as the Confederate Plato, but they cannot heal a bleeding spirit, nor bind np a wounded heart. My malady is of the blood ; I inherited it at birth ; I inhaled it with the air I breathed, and no medicine in the world can do m_e good." "Explain," I said, "this leprous distilment which hath blighted thy young hopes. Speak, Unhappy Cuss !" " I w411 unfold to thee the great secret of my life," quoth he ; " but let me whisper it, for I have not the courage to pollute the air with these fearful words. He then rolled over three times in the dirt, and placing 58 THE macph:^son letters. Ills lips close to my ear, while a look of ghastly desx^air flitted across his protruding under-jaw, whispered these fearful words : '' IhoA^e Yankee Mood in my 'veins /" As the Unhappy Cuss said the above words, he was seized with spasms, and fell rolling in the dust at my feet. The Idiotic Boy, who had been a silent but tear- ful spectator of the scene, immediately threw a barrel of rain water upon his prostrate form, and I rubbed his head with an inkstand until consciousness once more returned. History of- the Unhappy Cuss. He then proceeded to imfold his woful tale. "I am," he said, " a native of Connecticut. My ancestors came from England in the Mayflower. They were, in fact, adherents of those detestable Puritans and Roimd- heads, who had the insolence to overthrow a King, and cut his head ofl:' to boot. I Vv^as taught to believe in those bloody vo*etches for saints, and I also thought that the American Union was the greatest monument of wisdom and liberty ever erected by the hands of mortal men. Every 4th of July I was drunk for a week in honor of George Washington and the United States, and ' Yankee Doodle' was my favorite air. "Fortune at last decreed that I should leave my native land and come to I^ew Orleans. As I stood on the deck of the vessel, and saw the hills of New Eng- land sink in the distant horizon, my-ej'fes Vvxre filled with tears, and I vowed that never, while life should last, would I prove recreant in thought or deed, to those great principles of national unity which were so THE "unhappy cuss." 59 impressed upon my affections. But the moment tlie warm breezes of the Sonth touched me, I began to real- ize a change. It seemed to me that the Roundheads ought to have been whipped by the Cavaliers, and that virtue triumphed with the restoration of Stuart's cavalry. " The instant I set foot on the levee at New Orleans, the scales fell from my eyes, and I was seized with shame for my Yankee blood. I swore that I hated Yankees, and this patriotic sentiment grew day by day until it goaded me on to deeds of bloodshed and theft. I carefully studied the habits of Southern society, and carried a revolver in each breeches pocket, and a bowie- knife and corn-cutter in my belt. I knocked down a nigger and cursed the Yankees at every public gather- ing ; and when secession got under way, I hung three Union men to a lamp-post with my own hands, stole five thousand dollars in cash, and out-confederated the Confederates in my devotion to Southern independence." As the Unhappy Cuss closed his narrative, a glow of Confederate pride overspread his features, and my class- ical mind arose to the full height of the sublime occa- sion. "Benignant stranger!" I exclaimed, "such is the glory of the Confederacy that its light strikes dumb every Yankee who sets foot upon its sacred soil, and he cannot wag his tongue except in praise of the Confed- eracy. I hail thee, Unhappy Cuss, as a Confederate Yankee. But you will excuse me if I decline to in- troduce you to Mrs. Macpherson ; for while I admit the great worth of a man who is ready to fight and steal for the Confederac}^, I cannot v^elcome him on terms of social equality, if he has Yankee blood in his 60 THE MACPHBESON LETTEES. Mrs. Macpherson now entered the house and tm^ned up her nose at the Yankee Cuss, and remarked that the person could sit down at the second table. The next day was Jeff. Davis's fast and humiliation, and the Cuss and I went to church. The parson preached from the words : " Hold fast^ It was very convenient, for we had nothing in the house to eat, and I could starve the guest without a violation of the laws of hospitality. We both got drunk, however, as a Con- federate humiliation, and the Cuss opened to me a great plan of speculation. " I have," he said, " a scheme of wealth, which will make us both richej than Judah P. Benjamin. Phi- losophy is good in its way, but let me tell you, Mac- pherson, that philosophy don't pay. Hast thou Con- federate treasury notes ?" " I have only $95,000 by me at present," I replied. "That is just the amount I want," answered the Cuss. "I have run the blockade with a satchel of quinine and salt, which cost me $150 in I^ew Orleans, and which I have already disposed of for $150,000. I want $95,000 more, which will enable me to buy a schooner and load her with cotton, and with this I will run the blockade and sell it in ISTew Orleans, and will divide the profits, wdiich will be perfectly enormous." " Give me thine honest hand !" I cried aloud. " Give me thy treasury notes !" responded the Un- happy Cuss. I gave him all the money I had in the world, and we immediately started for Pontchatoula. We hid in a swamp, and waded in the water above our knees for twenty-four hours, in order to escape observation, until A JOINT COTTON SPECULATION". 61 we found a man wlio was ready to deal with ns, and it w^as not lono; before a scliooner was filled with cotton ready for shipment. I noticed that the Cnss made the purchase entirely in his own name, and did not recog- nize me at all, except to make me run of errands. When I required an explanation of this, he replied in the following noble and patriotic words : " You, Macpherson," he said, " are too great a man to mix yourself up with the aifairs of material wealth. That occupation belongs wholly to the Yankee mind. You, who are a great philosopher, and in whose veins courses only Confederate blood, should not bend the gigantic intellectual energies of your mammoth brain to any such grovelling object. No, no ! — leave that to me^ and I'll fix the thing for you." As he was paying this just tribute to my intellectual worth, the earth suddenly trembled beneath our feet, as if suffering in the throes of mortal agony ; while a howl of terror and frenzied panic rolled through the swamp in which we were situated. A whizzing noise penetrated the branches of the trees, and pale with abject fear, we saw the Gorillas dashing wildly through the woods in confusion, crying out in tones like those of Stentor, the Grecian warrior whose voice was louder than the combined voice of fifty men : " The Yanks ! the Yanks are upon us !" On they flew, like the winds, while the Unhappy Cuss and myself, were transfixed to the earth, with amazement and fright. Soon the woods around us flashed with the fire of musketry, and the highway swarmed with the red-breeches, wdiich, in my terror, I believed to be devils, like those in the opera, who carry 62 THE MACPIIEKSON LETTERS. off Don Giovanni, as he is taking a di-ink of champagne. Tlie next thing in the strange chapter of my adven- tures, I was sniTonnded by a sqnad of the red-breeches, with fierce looks and flashing bayonets, who demanded an immediate and unconditional surrender to Dmyea's Zouaves. I replied that the proud chivalric blood of Macpherson, was at any time prepared to be shed for the Confederacy, but that while I had a leg to stand on, or an arm to smite with, I would never surrender to a Yankee. MacjpTierson a Captive. "Fiddlesticks!" replied the Zouave, rapping me on the head with the butt of his musket. My hands were then tied behind me and I was carried to the command- ing officer, a prisoner of war. But let it be known to all men forever, that I did not make any formal sur- render. I then looked around me to learn the destiny of the Unhappy Cuss, and expected to see him hanging to a limb. I knew that the Yankees prosecute this war on a plan of such bloody and barbarous ferocity, that neither of us had the slightest chance of life. Imagine my amazement, therefore, when I saw the Unhappy Cuss seated on a log, side by side with a Yankee officer, taking a drink, and conversing in the most friendly manner. " I am glad to see you here," I heard him say to the vile Yankee. " I have a load of cotton here ready to be shipped to l^ew Orleans, and I have been waiting my opportunity for several weeks to slip off with it, and now I shall be able to do so. I hail you as a deliverer THE ^* SOUTHEEN SOURCE." 63 from the cruel oppressions of tlie traitors ; there is not an impulse in my heart v/hich is not true to the flag of the Union. Let's take a drink ! " " Liar ! Base clog ! " I exclaimed, " the cotton is mine, and you are a Confederate according to your own con- fessions." " Who is that ? " asked the Yankee officer, pointing to me. " A crazy man whom I hired by the day to watch my cotton," replied the Cuss, " but I discharged him for evident insanity." Eeader ! are you human ? Has your compassion been eviscerated ? Think of such an insult to me, the great light of Confederate literature, and the Plato of Madisonville, and weep with pity for the depravity of man. My hands were untied, and I was told to go home, for the Yankee commander said he pitied an in- sane man ; to which the Unhappy Cuss responded that for this reason he pitied the whole Confederacy. " Good by, Macpherson," he said. " I am grateful for your hospitality, and I admit the inferiority of the Yankee race." " Liar ! — swindler ! — thief! — ^traitor ! — ^villain ! " I re- plied, and started for home. Interview with the Southern Source. As I was going along, I saw a chap dodge from be- hind a tree in the swamp, and wave his hand to me. I approached, when in a mysterious tone he whispered : " I am a Southern Source ! " " What's new, my honest friend ? " I asked him. 64 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. " MiTcli," he said, at the same time waving a news- paper before my eyes. I reached out to look at it, T^hen he suddenly slipped off and put the paper in his pocket. " Seven hundred and ninety dollars," said he. " The brokers in l^ew Orleans will give me §800, but I will take $Y90 here." " I must first know whether the news is worth the money," I answered. " Did ever a Southern Source deceive the public?" he inquired. "Is not my name and reputation for veracity a shield against such base imputations ? But I will give you one little item to show that the paper is worth it. It contains an account of Jeff. Davis in E-ew York." " Jeff". Davis in 'New York ! " I exclaimed, raising my hands in gratitude; "then is Pontchatoula aveng- ed!" I borrowed the money, and the Southern Source disappeared, legging it through the woods wheii last seen. I proceeded to examine the paper, when I discovered that it was of the 29th October, 1358, and contained an account of Jeff. Davis's speech at a democratic meeting in Palace Garden, New York. Let me tell you that the man who sold that paper upon false pre- tenses, is a disgrace to Southern Sources ; for the char- acter of these Sources is* above reproach or the sus- picion of falsehood ; and whatever you read in a Con- federate newspaper you can safely accept as the unadul- terated gospel of truth. I must draw my letter to a close. I have once more reached my hospitable abode at Madisonville, and, as I write these closing sentences, I look back upon the ex- SHAMEFULLY SWINDLED. 05 perience of the past week witfi a philosophic eje. I have been shamefully swindled by the Unhappy Cuss and the Sonthern Source, but my faith in the Confed- eracy is not dimmed. The light of victory shall flash upon our banners, and I pledge my word that if the base Yankee foe ever takes possession of Madisonville, he will first walk over the prostrate and mangled body of YourSj philosophically, James B. Macpherson. 66 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. CHAPTEE YIII. The Great Charity Fair. NoTE.7-Mr. N. 0. J. Tisdale, formerly President of the New Or- leans City Gas Company, and a well-known registered enemy of the United States, who finally left the city and went into the " Confede- racy," held a fair at his residence, professedly for the benefit of the Protestant Orphan Asylum, but really, it was generally believed, for the purpose of raising funds with which to clothe the rebel prisoners then in New Orleans. In the name of charity, tickets were sold to all who would purchase, and many Union men and women purchased, not suspecting the true character of the entertainment. The fair was a full-blooded secession demonstration ; the rebel colors were dis- played, rebel airs were played on the piano, and certain rebel poems, printed secretly, were sold at twenty-five cents apiece. These poems were entitled respectively, " The Battle of the Handkercliiefs," and *' The Battle of the Fair." The authorship is attributed here to Mac- pherson's Idiotic Boy ; but they were really written by a young lady of New Orleans, who has composed several ingenious secession poems, and who sometimes signs herself Emily M. Washington. Mr. Tis- dale was arrested, and his trial, which continued several days, at- tracted great attention in New Orleans, and was the subject of com- ment in the Northern papers. While witnesses were brought by the prosecution who swore positively that " The Bonnie Blue Flag" was performed, and other secession demonstrations made, Mr. Tisdale brought witnesses in large numbers, who swore that they neither heard that air, nor witnessed any thing indicating sympathy for the rebel cause. The court, in its decision, acquitted Mr. Tisdale, on the ground that these negative witnesses for the defense were present all the evening, and that it was a moral impossibility that they should not have heard the air had it actually been performed. 1'he ar- rest and punishment of the Idiotic Boy for hurrahing for JelF. Davis, was intended to exhibit the folly of the light punishment of such of- fenses, wliich at one time consisted of a small fine. It was currently reported and believed that every fine imposed for such offenses was promptly paid by the secessionists, and a little purse given to the " martyr" as a bounty on impudent treason. It is said tlwit this bounty was sometimes as high as fifty dollars ; so that one who APOSTROPHE TO THE TCHEFUNCTA. 67 should Imrrali for Jeff. Davis could do so without expense to himself, and make a handsome little sum out of it besides. The author cannot close this note without expressing his admiration for the bold and able manner in which the prosecution in the Tisdale case was conducted by the City Attorney, Mr. L. Madison Day. Madisontille, La., April 4th, 1863. Sir: It was midniglit, and tlie pale beams of tlie heaven-traversing moon shone down upon the pelhicid bosom of Lake Pontchartram, and streamed through the crevices of my Dilapidated, Hospitable Abode, and silence and slumbers prevailed among living men. But I, moved with pity for the wrongs of the Confederacy, and, like much-23lanning Ulysses, revolving many thoughts in my mind, was no more able to sleep than w^as Calypso, inconsolable at the departure of her Gre- cian hero. Therefore, I arose from my lofty couch, and in gloomy meditation, walked to the banks of the Tchefuncta, whose beautiful, muddy water, seemed to be a reflex of my own sombre and philosophic thoughts. Seating myself upon the all-nourishing earth, I thus poured out my soul to the noble river : " O Tchefuncta ! thou, whose beautiful mud is as clear as the hopes of the Confederacy, listen to the moans of thy philosophic son ! Tell me, ye lonely depths of dirt ! whether in a time of national calamity, with the stars and stripes floating over the blood-stained heights of Pontchatoula, a philosophic mind may devote itself to the pursuit of occult truth, or whether it be not the duty of every Confederate, even though like me, he be gifted with a mammoth brain, to bare his arm in the cause of his country ? I pause for a reply." Having delivered this eloquent apostrophe to the 68 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. noble riyer, I fell partially asleep, when I heard a mys- terious voice, crying from the depths : " Bare the arm ! bare the arm !" " I will !" I responded ; " for in that voice I recog- nize a Confederate sign and miracle, surpassing in won- der the dreams of the Picayune ; and I shall forthwith proceed with my long-cherished design of forming a Congo Body Guard." I then went to sleep, when I was suddenly aroused by a kick in the back, which sent me headforemost into the muddy depths of the sluggish Tchefuncta. " Spirit !" I exclaimed, " who but recently spake to me from these waters, unless, indeed, my eyes were bent on vacancy, and I with incorporeal air did hold discourse, receive thy son, and assist him to reach dry land !" I then waded back, comparing myself to Yenus, who rose from the sea, while the moist-blowing west wind wafted her in soft foam along the waves, and the gold-filleted Seasons received her on the shores of Cyprus, clothed her in immortal garments, placed a golden wreath upon her head, and led her to the assem- bly of the gods. And as I wallowed in the mud of the noble river, I exclaimed : " I am the Yenus of Madi- sonville, arising from the Tchefuncta, and waiting for immortal honors !" I then stepped upon the bank, when a wild mule kicked at me and brayed, and I found that I had mis- taken the mule's familiar voice for a Confederate mir- acle, and that the heels of the said animal had given me midnight baptism. ]N"evertheless, I accepted the advent of the mule as a celestial sign, and immediately mounting the same, I started for New Orleans. THE SOLITARY HOESEMAN. 69 The Solitary Horseman. I liad proceeded seventy-five rods on mj journey, wlien my attention was attracted by the clatter of a horse's hoofs, and soon the Solitary Horseman, whose appearance and history have been fully described by the late Mr. James, bnrst upon my vision. Immedi- ately I apostrophized him as the Confederacy, for the seal of the JSTew I^ation is to be a Cavalier, and I found the Solitary Horseman to be the heau ideal of a Confed- erate gentleman. ]^o sooner had I spoken, than he dismounted his foam- ing steed, and embracing my knees, exclaimed : " At last I behold thee. Confederate Plato, Yenus of Madisonville, and chiefest light of Confederate letters ! I am the delegate of three thousand citizens of ]N"ew Or- leans, who have charged me to express to you the pro- found respect which they entertain for your august person, and invite you to attend a Grand Charity Fair to-morrow evening, at the residence of a gentleman whose heart is as true to the Confederacy as is Jacob Barker's to his safe. Charity," continued the Cavalier, " like the dews of heaven, falls upon the lowly and the poor ; and when I think of the hard lot of the unhappy orphan, cast upon the heartless world without a guiding and protecting hand, my heart is torn with a thousand pangs of agony, and the hot blood goes rushing wildly through my swollen veins. O JVIacpherson ! let us weep for the unhappy lot of the poor and debased orphan !" Tlie Solitary Horseman burst out in a fit of inconso- lable tears as he uttered this sublimely charitable sen- 70 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. timent, and I was about to press his gentle hand in mine, when the Wild Mule gave an awful kick wdiich frustrated my affectionate design. The brave Cavalier then mounted and we dashed furiously along the high- way. " Is this Fair political ?" I asked. "It is charitable, charitable, Macpherson," he replied — " a Fair in behalf of the Protestant Uniform Asy- lum, an institution for the manufacture of graybacks, where the weary Confederate may find rest, and ^the naked Confederate may become clothed." " AVho hath contributed thereunto ?" I inquired. Much to my astonishment, the tender-hearted Cava- lier burst out in a tit of uncontrollable langliter, which arose far above the clatter of his horse's hoofs. " That's the joke !" he shouted, as his beautiful laugh rolled through the lonely swamp; ''that's the joke! — the Yankees have contributed ! Tickets were sold for ten cents apiece, and in the blessed name of Charity, sweet mother of the helpless, we sold many tickets to Union men and w^omen, and Yankee officers!" Heining in my Wild Mule, I cried aloud : " Then indeed do I wash my hands of this matter ; for I will take no part in a Fair, even for Charity, if base Yankee gold is mingled with the spotless currency of the Con- federacy !" The Cavalier whistled, as he drew from his pocket a Richmond Examiner, and read the price of gold, $5.25, and an advance of two hundred per cent, in a week. " Be not too hasty. Confederate Plato," he observed. " You are aware that the end justifies the means ; and in the present instance the great end to be achieved is' MACrilKKSON AT THE FAIR. 71 to clothe the Confederacy. To rob a Yankee or to deceive a Yankee is the highest virtue of the Confed- eracy. And since the grinding tyranny of the United States v^ill not permit us to oj^erate openly, we invoke the broad mantle of Charity, which we will cut up and make into Confederate uniforms !" " Give me thine honest hand, sweet messenger of be- nevolence !" I exclaimed. " Charity, indeed, shall cover a multitude of sins ; and the mantle of Charity is gray in the Confederacy." It was night before we reached the city, and as the mud of the Tchefuncta still adhered conspicuously to my person, I determined to go to the St. Charles and take a bath before attending the Fair. But as we were riding towards that massive structure, the Solitary Horseman suddenly reined in his steed, and pointing to a palatial abode, said : "This is the place — listen !" A confused din of lovely voices, strains of angelic music, and trippings of the light fantastic toe came to my ears, grateful as the odor of Louisiana Rum to a thirsty Confederate; for I knew that every lovely voice was a Confederate voice, every strain a Confed- erate strain, and every light fantastic toe a Confeder- ate toe. Maopherson^s Extraordina/ry Advent at the Fair, I was about to hasten to the baths, when my "Wild Mule kicked with extraordinary violence, lifting me clean from his back, tossing me over the fence and through the open door of the palatial abode, and land- ing me in the hall on my face, with a force which caused the blood to ooze freely from my nostrils, and 72 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. mingle its crimson hues with the mud of the Tche- functa, which still adhered conspicuously to my person. The hall was crowded with beautiful Confederate girls ; and as I arose from my recumbent posture, with my classcial mind slightly confused by the vio- lence of the concussion, I imagined myself in a Yestal temple. I therefore cried aloud ; " O lovely Confeder- ate Yestals, who attend the sacred flame, fear not me, for I am the Yenus of Madisonville ; and my only re- gret is that, placing her hand upon the head of Jupiter, your goddess swore perpetual celibacy." The Yestals then joined hands and danced around me, to the en- livening strains of the Pontchatoula Quickstep^ and the Great Host approaching, bade me welcome to the abode of Charity. " Allow me to inquire," I said, " whether you have obtained permission to hold this Fair ?" "I did not deem it necessary," he replied, "for I consulted a gentleman who has held a similar concern at his house, and he assured me that permission was not necessary. I trust the time will soon come when we can worship the Confederacy according to the dic- tates of our own consciences, with none to molest or make us afraid, and when the ladies can spit in the face of Yankees in the streets with impunity." "Amen!" I responded to this noble and patriotic prayer. The Great Host lovingly took my arm, and, conduct- ing me to an obscure corner, pointed in a mysterious manner to a pile of j)ublications. " To you," he said, " the great light of Confederate letters, I need not ex- patiate upon the beauties and blessings of literature ; 1 CONFEDERATE TKACTATKS. 73 need not tell jou of the power of the press, which en- ables ns to poison the public mind, and inundate the land with Confederate principles." He then handed nie two beautiful Confederate tracts, one them entitled '' The Battle of the Ilandker chief s^^ and the other " The Battle of the Fair^^ and informed me that the price was two bits each, which sum I gladly paid as he informed me the proceeds of those two beautiful and patriotic publications would go towards clothing * the Confederacy. "Perhaps," he remarked, "you would like to see the author of those great works of genius and patri- otism." "I should rejoice to know him," I replied; "for herein I find the evidences of that peculiar genius and grace which belongs, in a greater or less degree, to every thing Confederate." " You shall be gratified," he answered ; and he im- mediately led me face to face with my Idiotic Boy ! " There he is !" said the Great Host ; " look upon the author of those beautiful productions of the human intellect." My double surprise may be imagined. I supposed the imbecile youth was quietly sleeping in his mother's arms ; but to find him there, surrounded by a galaxy of youth and beauty, and to learn that he was a full- fledged Confederate author, overpowered me with amazement and gratitude. " Happy father of such a son !" I exclaimed, clasping him to my muddy bosom, " who in early life devotes the energies of his idiotic brain to the true path of rectitude, and contributes the efibrts of his intellect -to the great and heaven-ordained 74 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. behests of Charity, by furnishing mental pabulum to the followers of the naked Confederacy !" Just then the Idiot dodged behind me, and pointing to a lady across the room, said : '' Shield me, for the love of heaven !" What is the row, sweet Idiot?" I inquired. " It is my misfortune to know that lady," he replied. **I have eaten at the same table, drank wine from the same bottle, played whist and euchre with the same cards. But she is a Union woman, and it will be a disgrace to recognize her here." '' Well said, dear Idiot," I responded. " But show yourself worthy of your revered father and of the Con- federacy you represent." " I will !" he exclaimed, tearing his hair with vehe- ment determination, and then walking coldly by the Yankee woman, without recognizing her. Afterwards he watched his opportunity and winked at her, in order, if possible, to save her good opinion without compro- mising himself. " Sir !" I said with a frown of Confederate displeas- ure upon my features, and addressing myself to the Great Host : " You are a registered enemy of the United States, and I was not prepared for the affront put upon me by the presence of a Yankee woman." " Gas !" responded the Great Host, his eyes gleam- ing like two burners, "you are over zealous. It is pos- sible that the vile tyranny under which we groan, will summon me to answer for this night's business, and the presence of a few Yankees is a shield against sus- picion." I now proceeded to examine the sj)acious apartments; . THE CONFEDERATE SEAL. 75 and at every stej) I found something to gladden my Confederate heart. I learned that beautiful maidens of tender years had worked with the mothers of the city, day after day, and night after night, in manufac- turing miniature Confederate flags, which they brought here and sold at high prices, the proceeds all going into the Confederate treasury. I saw, also, Confeder- ate doll-babies, Confederate roosters and hens. Confed- erate pigs made of sugar. Confederate dogs, and Con- federate alligators, all manufactured by fair hands in obedience to the dictates of charity. But the princi- pal feature of the evening was a Confederate donkey, gayly caparisoned, on which sat my Idiotic Boy, wav- ing the proud banner of the New Nation, and winking at the girls. The Great Confederate Seal. *' That Donkey and that boy," remarked a bystander, " are the proper and fitting emblems of the Confed- eracy. I see that our Congress is discussing the pro- priety of adopting a Cavalier as the seal of the New Nation ; and I for one recommend Macpherson's Idiotic Boy mounted on a Donkey as the most expressive and appropriate Boy and Beast that can be found to repre- sent the Confederacy." It was suggested that I myself, mounted on my \Yild Mule, would do better; but the opinion of the audience was in favor of the Idiot, and so I yielded my claims gracefully, soothing my disappointed ambition with the gushing stream of paternal pride. During all this time the j)iano was sending forth its angelic strains, the keys thereof being thumbed by 76 THE MACPHRESON LETTERS. snowy delicate fingers, whose gentle touch npon the temples might soothe a tiger's rage, or thaw the cold heart of a conqueror. The Bonnie Blue Flag was played, as the most popular air ; but whenever that air was struck, I observed that twelve persons immediately left the room, and put cotton in their ears. I demand- ed of the Great Host the cause of this extraordinary proceeding, which appeared to me to be an insult to the Confederacy. The Great Host applied his forefinger to the side of his nose, giving the end a twist and winking as he re- plied : "Witnesses!" " What witnesses !" I inquired. " You see, Macpherson," he replied, " that my case may come up in court, and it is possible that some who are here may have the baseness to testify that The Bonnie Blue Flag was performed on that piano. In such a case it will become necessary for me to prove that it was not played. So I have arranged to have twelve witnesses be present through the whole perform- ance and not hear it. If the tune was actually played it is morally certain that these twelve persons must have heard it; and these witnesses live in a Christian community, and are, as you will perceive, persons of the highest respectability. Cotton will do it, Mac- pherson — cotton will do it !" " Cotton is king," I answered ; " and yonr case is sure to succeed. When I was justice of the peace in Madisonville, a case came up precisely like yours. Citizen Jenkins accused my nephew, Peter Macpherson, of stealing a pig, and brought three creditable witnesses, MACPHEESON ON MEMORY. 'T'T who swore positively tliat tliey saw Peter steal him. But Pete ]:)roiight four men of the highest respectability, over from ISTew Orleans, who swore quite as positively that they did not see him steal the swinish animal ; and on this testimony I was bound to acquit him. E^egative testimony is sure to win in courts that take a proper view of events, particularly if the magistrate is an uncle of the accused, as in the case referred to." The night wore away, and our delightful Confederate communion strengthened our weary souls. At a late hour I was called on for a speech, and wishing to ap- pear in my true character, as a Confederate philosopher, I proceeded to deliver an original phrenological dis- course, on one of the most important bumps which the human head contains. Macpherson on Mew,ory. "Ladies and gentlemen," I said; "proud children of our great Confederate parent, and you of the rising generation ; as mile-boards are set up on the highway to indicate the direction in which the roads run, so hath nature built bumps on the human cranium, to in- dicate the bent of character, and the destiny of man. " The most important of these bumps indicates the organ of Memory ; and in looking around on this audi- ence I see by a glance at that bump that you are all Confederates. The Confederate bump of Memory is peculiar in this, that it has the gift of remembering every thing to its own credit and interest, with the most wonderful distinctness. Indeed, it remembers more than the facts will justify. At the same time it is wholly incapable of remembering any thing contrary To THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. to the plans, wishes, principles, and interests of the Confederacy. For instance, it remembers that George Washington was a Virginian, and a slaveholder ; but it forgets stubbornly and hopelessly that he was a strong Union man, and freed his slaves on his death- bed. It remembers that gold arose in 'New York to 173, but it forgets that it tumbled down faster than it rose. It remembers that the Mississippi was sunk at Port Hudson, but it forgets that the Hartford and Al- batross went by. It remembers that Beauregard won the battle of Manassas, but it forgets that the Yankees whipped the devil out of us at Fort Donelson. Such, ladies, gentlemen, and rising generation, are the char- acteristics of the Confederate bump of Memory — char- acteristics of which I am proud, and which I see per- vade every head in this great charity fair. Were you called on to swear to-morrow before a Yankee court, whether a Confederate flag was displayed here to-night, could you remember seeing it ? No I Were you asked whether the Bonnie Blue Flag was played on that piano, could you remember that you heard it ? No 1 Were you asked whether any disloyal sentiment has been expressed here to-night, could you remember hear- ing it ? No ! — for you are all loyal to the great princi- ples of the new nation, and may God bless you, and the Confederate bump of Memory forever !" Arrest of the Idiotic Boy. This speech was received with loud aj)plause, and we were about to separate, when a clamor arose in the street. " A Confederate rising ! — ^to arms ! — to arms 1" A. MAETYK OF FREEDOM. T9 I shouted ; ' the day of deliverance lias come ! — Stone- wall Jackson lias arrived with nineteen hundred thou- sand patriots !" With this exclamation I rushed into the street, the excited assemblage following at my heels, when I found that my Idiotic Boy had been arrested for hurrahing for Jeff. Davis publicly, and basely im- prisoned in a Yankee jail. " Martyr of freedom !" I cried ; " I am proud that the spirit of the Macphersons has not been crushed, and I resign thee to a glorious death and a crown of martyrdom !" I found, however, thai the penalty for the offense was $2.50, and soon a purse of $200 was made up, the fine paid, and tliS boy released, with the balance jing- ling in his pocket. As he left the court-room he set up another tremendous roar for Jeff. Davis, when he was immediately arrested again, and fined $2.50 more. " I appeal to the Confederates," I said, " to assist my son to get his release from the vile Yankee tyrants." Im- mediately another contribution of $200 was made up, the fine paid, and the boy released, with a clear balance of $395 in his pocket ; and with this we unmediately returned to Madisonville. I must now conclude my eighth epistle to The Eea. What is writ is writ. Would it were worthier. The winding up reminds me that I am mortal; and as that is a subject I do not like to reflect upon, I turn my philosophic eye to the unfading glory of the Confeder- acy , and there I behold unending power and immortal honor. The stars shall fade, but the Confederacy shall endure forever. Yours, weekly, James B. Macpherson. 80 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. P. S. — Since writing the above, I have received the following letter from mj son Louis T. Wigfall : Port Hudson, April 2. " Dad : — Give My love to the Great Hoast, and to the bewtiful ladies which attended the Charity Fare. I have received the uniform they sent Me, and it's the only rag of close I've had sense I sold the nine sutes which was given Me by the ladies as I left I^ew Or- leans on the Empire Parish. " While ar^ heart beats in My Bosom, it will vibrate with the Gratitude of Your patriotic Sun, Louis T. Wigfall Macpheeson. THE CONFEDEEATE ARCHIMEDES. 81 CHAPTEE IX. The Confederate Arithmetic. Madisonvilee, La., April nth, 1863. Snj : — On Tuesday last I sat on tlie bottom of an in- verted brass kettle in my door-yard, training up my Idiotic Boy in tlie way be should go, and rejoicing to find bis demented brain so capable of absorbing tbe ideas which underlie the Confederacy. " I am," I said to him, " the Confederate Archimedes. IS^ever, since this great planetary system was called into existence, has there been a nation whose glory and power could compare with the Confederacy which I represent. Wherever the glorious flag of the new nation floats, freedom of speech and of the press prevails to an alarm- ing extent. " The resources of the Confederacy are inexhaustil)le. Ever since the formation of the Union, the South has supported the E'orth; and therefore it was, that as soon as the South withdrew from the concern, the ISTorth was reduced to poverty and famine. Grass now grows in Broajdway, and in the Central Park of I*^ew York. A reliable gentleman v/ho has just returned from that 23lace, assures me that Jie pastured his horse in front of the Astor House, during his sojourn in that deserted and mined city. " But the Confederacy can never become impover- ished ; and I will now explain to you the principles of 4-"- 82 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. the Confederate Aritlmietic — ^principles of tlie greatest simplicity, yet productive of astounding results. " The Confederate Arithmetic has two rules, Multi- plication and Subtraction. Multiplication is only em- ployed in the affairs of the Confederacy, and Subtrac- tion in the affairs of the Federals. Tlie Confederate Miiltijplicatiooi-tahle. " The Confederate multiplication-table, my Sweet Idiot," I continued, " employs two numbers — and 50. multiplied by 50- equals 50. re|)resents the basis of Confederate currency, and by multiplying it by 50 you get $50 in cash. Multiply this by 50 again, and you have $2,500; and this once more multiplied by 50, gives you $125,000 ; and this again multiplied, gives you $6,250,000 ; and so on, until the Confederate Treas- ury groans beneath its enormous and insupportable burden of cash. " The rule here laid down also applies to military operations. A Colonel sends out a Captain on a scout- ing expedition, and represents the number of Yankee prisoners actually captured. This the Captain multi- plies by 50, and reports to the Colonel that he has bagged 50 Yankees. The Colonel then multiplies by 50 in his report to the Brigadier General ; the Erigadier General multiplies by 50 in his report to the Division General ; the Division General multiplies by 50 in his report to the Commander of the Department; the Commander of the Department multiplies by 50 in his report to the Secretary of War ; the Secretary of "War multiplies by 50, and sends it to the Jackson Ajypeal / the editor of that sheet multiplies by 50 and prints it, CONFEDEEATE ARITHMETIC. 83 and the Southern Source then multiplies by 50 and starts for ISTew Orleans, and by the time the report gets to the St. Charles Hotel, we have captured thirty-five trillion sixty-two billion and five hundred million (35,062,500,000,000) Yankee prisoners, as any one will see who will work out the sum according to the princi- ples of the Confederate Arithmetic. " Every thing in the Confederacy is multiplied by 50. But when we speak of the afiairs of the United States, w^e apply the second great rule of the Confederate Arithmetic, which is as follows : Confederate Bide of Subtraction, " Deduct fi'om every Federal nuiiiber twice its actual amount. Thus : a Federal scouting party captm-es 100 Confederates. From this 100 you must deduct 200, which leaves a balance of 100 in our favor ; and instead of the Yankees getting 100 Confederates, the Confederates get 100 Yankees. It was by this rule that Gen. Bragg defeated Rosecrans. " Thus, Sweet Idiot," I said, " I have explained to you those great fundamental laws of mathematics which underlie the Confederacy; and I am the Confed- erate Archimedes, he who was equally skilled in as- tronomy, geometry, mechanics, hydrostatics, and optics, in all of which he excelled, and produced many ex- traordinary inventions ; but, in my opinion, notwith- standing his miraculous skill as displayed in the defense of Syracuse, he never conceived an idea so grand as the Confederate Arithmetic." Yours, mathematically, James B. Macpherson. 84 THE MACPHEESON LETTEKS. CHAPTEK X. HYMN OF SALVATION. BY JAMES B. MACPHKESON, Poet Laureate of Madisonville. Smite and slay tlie savage Yankee ! Break and pulverise liis bones I It is done ; and I -svill thank tliee. Great Confederate Paul Jones !* Lo ! E. Pluribus and C^num Now are rolling in the dirt ! Brave Confederate, who hast hewn 'em. Else and put on a clean shirt ! Now the Pelican is flopping His broad wings in feather high ; On, Confederacy ! no stopping — Every Yankee Dog shall die ! Never more an Extea Era Shall announce a blown-up Queen ;* Oh, P. Jones, you are my deary. And the biggest brick I've seen ! Light is breaking from the heaven ! Yea, it streams athwart the sky ! I myself can slay eleven— Every Yankee Dog shall die! New Orleans has been delivered ! Do you ask the reason why? Fate's designs shall be uncivered — Every Yankee Dog shall die ! "Queen of the West," a vessel captured by the rebels, after having run the Vicksburg batteries, and destroyed during the cam- paign of General Banks up the Teclie, in the spring of 1863. She was coitimanded by Fuller, who aspired to the title of the Confed- erate Paul Jones 1 A SUBLIME FAITH. 85 CHAPTER XI. Macpherson dedicates himself to War and Larceny. — He encounters the Honest Jew. Louisiana Lowlands Low, April 25tli, 1863. Sm: — For some time rumors of the most painful nature reached my ears, while, in my dilapidated hos- pitable abode at Madisonville, I was preparing my mind to offer my life in the sacred cause of the Con- federacy. I read in The Era that Gen. Banks had advanced from Brashear City with a large force of Hes- sians, and that the blessed sons of the Confederacy had been whipped, their gunboats destroyed, and their transports captured or sunk, while they were running before the vile Yankee foe or falling into the hands of Ibid. But I did not believe it. I swore it could not be true ; for with that sublime faith in the Confederacy which leads our people to receive Confederate currency and to set facts at defiance, I scorned these statements as Yankee inventions and falsehoods. I knew that I was the only contributor for The Era who dared to speak the truth, and blow the Confederate trumpet, and so long as the True Delta and the Picayune had not a word to say on the subject, which they hadn't for many days, I possessed my sublime soul in Con- federate patience, and clothed and fortified my serene mind with stoical Confederate disbelief in every word uttered by a Yankee. 50 THE MACPHKgSON LETTERS. But on Wednesday last I was aroused from my dream of security and Confederate bliss, when the Picayune^ a paper in which I have full faith, broke the long and pleasing silence that had sealed its lips, and made known to me that there was at least some foundation for the diabolical reports in The Era which had ap- peared from time to time a week or ten days before. Then it was that, resting my teeth upon the leg of a chair, 1 gave myself up to momentous meditations. Before my mind arose the incredible vision of Confed- erates flying before Yankees, and I cried aloud : " Ig- noble, debased villain that I am !— why sit I here while my countrymen starve and run leaving their bones behind them to bleach upon the bloody field of car- nage, and while one of the children of my loins lan- guishes in a loathsome dungeon in Baronne street ? Arise, Macpherson ! abandon the seductive paths of philosophy and poetry, buckle on a C. S. plate, shoulder a double-barrelled shot-gun, and plunge headlong into the deep-flowing tide of Yankee homicide and larceny !" I then arose in my terrible might, Avhile my dilapi- dated hospitable abode trembled to the top of the stove-pipe beneath the massive heel of my new boots, with which I smote the quaking ground ; and I swore by the mud image of Jefl". Davis, which had just been set up by my Idiotic Boy, that I never would wash my face or taste a drop of w^ater until I had exterminated every Yankee, man, woman, and child, in the States of Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, and the First Con- gressional District of Texas ! "Not drink any water, James !" exclaimed my wife, in a tone of astonishment ; " what will you drink ?" THE HONEST JEW. . 87 " Knm !" I answered, with a voice like bellowing thunder ; " rum, my love ! and rum alone !" Tiierefore I dedicated myself to the god of war: " O Mars !" I exclaimed, " the fatherless son of Juno, whose delight was in contest and strife, and who wast a warrior of severe countenance, with a cuirass and an Argive shield upon thine arm ! —thee I invoke, and to thee I dedicate my vast and comprehensive intellect, and the death-compassing stroke of my unapproach- able arm !" I then went forth on 'my mission of de- struction, breathing revenge and blood from my nos- trils at every step. The Honest Jew. Just after crossing the Yankee lines, I encountered an individual who informed me that he was an Honest Jew. " Right glad am I to meet you, my noble iViend," I said : " for honest men are scarce in these unwholesome days. I trust you are an Israelite in whom there is no guile.'' " I ish dat," responded the Honest Jew ; " and vat I say, dat pe trute." "Then," I answered, "you are a good Confederate ; for Confederates alone are capable of speaking the truth." " You vait vun little pit," returned the guileless Is- raelite, " an' I show you I make seventeen hunder tollar in fifteen minutes !" " How r I asked. " I shut up Yankee's eye." The Honest Jew then beckoned me to follow him. Approaching the Yankee sentinel, he said : 88 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. "I liabe tree liiincler tollar goods back yonder. I take 'em across that bayou I get two toiisan'. ]N'o\v you must shut your eye vile I goes py, an' I gives you fifty tollar !" " All riglit," replied the Yankee sentinel, " give me the $50 and I'll shut my eye while you pass." The Honest Jew paid the Yankee the sum specified, and the Jew went back after his goods. But I noticed, that the sentinel called the corporal of the guard and had some private conversation with him, after which the corporal disappeared. Soon the Jew came up with his goods, and the Yankee sentinel didn't see him at all when he passed ; but he hadn't got fifty yards before the corporal and four men dodged out from behind a tree and arrested him. Plis goods were seized and confiscated, and he was told that if he ever tried such a dodge again, he would be sent to Fort Jackson with a ball and chain to his leg. " Var's mine fifty tollar ?" said the Honest Jew, shaking his fist at the Yankee sentinel. " I have it," replied the base Yankee dog ; '' you gave it to me to shut my eyes while you passed, and I fulfilled my part of the bargain."^ I then resumed my journey to J^ew Orleans, accom- panied by the Israelite in whom there was no guile, and whose deep-heaving sighs and groans of agony over his loss, touched me with pity, and filled my mind with tenfold anger against the foul despotism of the United States. * A true incident. ED. THE HONEST JEW. 89 "My guileless and honest friend," I said to him, " you are a victim of unmitigated villany and .iron op- pression. You would do good by supplying the Con- federacy and getting rich at the same time ; but the damnable and debased despotism of the United States steps in your way !" " Oh, I pe very boor — very boor, indeed ! " groaned the Israelite in whom there was no guile. "My boor friend ! " I exclaimed, clasping him to my bosom, " I will avenge thy manifold wrongs. I have dedicated myself to Mars, the death-scattering hero of bloody wars; and now I also dedicate myself to Hermes, the god of thieves, and the son of Jupiter and Maia ; he whose first act was to steal the cattle of Apollo. Henceforth, I am the champion of larceny, and I swear by the soul of the Confederacy, that I will not rest from toil and labor until I have stolen a horse!" " You gives him to me, eh ? " asked the Jew, his eyes lighting up with eager fire. " Yes," I replied, " I'll give him to thee, my wronged and outraged friend." ~ "But tree horses only make me cood for mine coods." " Then three shalt thou have " I exclaimed. " Yes, I swear it by the honor of a Confederate Warrior, that I will steal three horses for this outraged Jew, and one for myself, before I consent to a cessation of hostilities, or return to the pursuits of philosophy in Madison- ville " The Honest Jew pressed me to his bosom as we parted in I^ew Orleans, and promised to wait at the 90 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. Opeloiisas Depot, in Algiers, until I should send him the three horses. Successful Scheme of Finance. It was about this time that I put into practical op- eration a great scheme of finance that I had studied out in my secluded and meditative hours, in my dilap- idated hospitable abode at Madisonville, and I found that it worked to perfection. The principle is as follows: ISTever invite a man to drink, but always drink when you are asked. By the application of this simple rule, you get for your own use all the liquor you pay for, and also get a good deal which doesn't cost you any thing. I crossed tlie river on the Canal-street ferry-boat, with the' firm determination not to pay a cent for food, lodging, or transportation, during my travels. Since then I have passed through many scenes, which it will require a long letter to describe, and I hereby give notice to the public that my Twelfth Epistle will be devoted to a full and authentic account of my travels in the Louisiana Lowlands Low, and to a description of the many strange adventures I have encountered. Yours unremittingly, James B. Macpherson. BANKS's TECHE CAMPAIGN. 91 CHAPTEE XIl. The Great Confederate Traveller describes pus Journey through the louisiana lowlands low. Note. — Algiers is the name of a small town opposite New Orleans. It contains tlie depot of the Opelousas railroad. Ferry accommoda- tions are miserable. At the time this letter was written, General Banks's brilliant campaign through the Teclie country Avas in prog- ress, and had already resulted in the destruction of the rebel army of Western Louisiana. Two thousand j)risoners had been captured, and a considerable number of them had been confined in the Belle-- viUe Iron Works in Algiers, which led Mr. Macpherson to suppose that the building was in possession of the Confederates. The rebel army which was so effectually dispersed or destroyed by the movement of General Banks, was in command of Gen. Richard Tay- lor, a son of " Old Zack," the hero and patriot, whose devotion to his country has rendered his name dear to every true American. As Gen. Banks's campai^ through the Teche country seems not to have been generally understood at the time, the author will briefly give what he supposes to have been the theory of the movement. " Why," it was asked, " should the United States forces march through a country, take possession of it, and forthwith abandon it, leaving the inhabitants who, expecting protection, had shown a love for the Union, to suffer the penalty of rebel vengeance ? This v/ould be a pertinent inquiry under ordinary circumstances, but the author believes a brief statement of facts will explain this matter to the sat- isfaction of every imjDartial reader. The great object which General Banks must have had in view, was the capture of Port Hudson and the opening of the Mississippi river. But Port Hudson v/as a hundred and fifty miles above New Orleans, and in order to invest it successfully, the General required every soldier in the department. Indeed, with every soldier, his force was seemingly inadequate to the undertaking. The rebel garrison of Port Hudson, at the time of its investment, in May, 1863, number- ed seven thousand effective men, and at no time during the siege did Gen. Banks command more than ten thousand effective men. His hues were necessarily much longer than those of the enemy, and the advantages were aU with the garrison, except in the matter of sup- 92 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. plies. In order to besiege Port Hudson, tlien, Avitli any prospect of success, it was necessary that lie should take every available man that could be spared. But Taylor, Monton, and Sibley were in Western Louisiana with a large force of rebels, and if he moved his entire army to Port Hudson, he left his rear and New Orleans itself exposed to the enemy. As he had not a sufficient force to watch the enemy in Western Louisiana and to invest Port Hudson at the same time, it was necessary to destroy the rebel army of Western Louisiana before Port Hudson could be invested. And this work was most successfully accomplished. The Army of the Gulf accomplished a march of three hundred miles in twenty days, fighting four battles and winning as many victories. The first battle was at Camp Bis land, christened after a planter by that name, whose plantation, now a picture of ruin and desolation, is situated on the Teclie, between Berwick City and the village of Franklin. The rebel army of West ern Louisiana was completely broken up and destroyed by the cam- paign ; and having accomplished this indispensable preliminary step, Gen. Banks at once moved his whole force against Port Hudson, Such, the author believes, was the theory of the Teche campaign — a campaign which, in rapidity of movement, in general management and important results, has not been surpassed in the history of this war, if we take into account the number of men engaged. Brashear City (why will people call such insignificant places cities ?) is situated on Berwick Bay, near the confluence of the Teche and Atchafalaya rivers. It was the base of supplies in the Teche cam paign, and tlie more recent movement by which the rebel army was drawn out of Texas, opening the way for the success of the expedi tion to the Rio Grande. The place was recaptured by the rebels in June, I860, almost without resistance by our forces ; and large quan titles of stores, ammunition, and a considerable number of prisoners, fell into the hands of the enemy. After the fall of Port Hudson, how ever, the rebels hastily evacuated the place, and just in time to escape capture. It is about ninety miles from New Orleans to the west- ward, and the Opelousas Railroad has its present termini at Algiers and Brashear City. The country between the two places is very low, and wide forests are seen on either hand. There are plenty of alliga- tors to be seen sunning themselves, and some are of enormous size; although it requires the Confederate arithmetic to make them five hundred feet long, as has been done by Mr. Macpherson. The au- thor made the journey described in the following letter {i. e. as far as Brashear City), in the latter part of April, for the first time; and his experience at the Brashear City Hotel can only be appreciated by those who have visited " the Great Temple of Wisdom.' He has connected the philosophy of Macpherson with the ancient mythology. FAREWELL TO THE CKESCENT CITY. 93 because the credulity, mendacity, passions, and habits of the secession- ists more properly belong to the religion of a pagan country than to a land and an age of civilisation. Gov. Moore, the last Chief Magis- trate elected by the people of Louisiana, and his itinerant Legisla- ture still claiming to exercise executive and legislative functions, were frightened by the " Yankee" army, or the expectation of its ap- proach, and " skedaddled" to some indefinite point, in or beyond the extreme western portion of Louisiana. Moore still claims to be gov- ernor of Louisiana. His power is about equal to that of Sancho Panza, who, like Moore, also gloried in the title of " Governor." Madisonville, La., May 2, 1863. Sir : — As Ulysses, the much planning warrior of the Greeks, wandered the victim of cruel Fate, searching vainly for his home, whence h*e sighed to return vic- torious from the siege of Troy, even so was I driven from the paths of philosophy, and from my dilapidated hospitable abode, by the articulate-speaking voice of Fate, which sent me forth the great Confederate Trav- eller in the Louisiana Lowlands Low. Taking passage on one of those magnificent steamers belonging to the Canal street Ferry, that are fitted up on a scale of magnificence surpassing the dreams of Fairy Land, or the splendor and glory which surround the President of the Confederacy in his stately and oriental i3alace at Richmond, I stood upon the lofty deck and thus poured out my soul to the people of J^ew Orleans : " Farewell," I cried in tearful tones, " fair Crescent City, gazing upon the great old Father of Waters ! thee I leave behind. But when I return, I shall come with banner, brand, and bow, leading the victorious and unconquerable legions of Gen. R. Taylor, and exterminating the vile Yankee foe, wdiose iron foot rests upon the bosom of the Confederacy, with terrible weight, as the great Polyphemus, the one-eyed Giant, 91- THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. thirsting for liiiinan life, had plucked a ^YOody moun- tain from its base and placed it on my head !" I then shouted three times, and committed assault and battery on a newsboy who offered me The Eea. Arriving at Algiers, a magnificent city opposite ]^ew Orleans, I discovered that the Belleville Iron Works had fallen into the possession of the Confederacy, and that it contained a strong garrison of Graybacks, numbering several hundred. "Blessed be Jupiter," I lexclaimed, " the Father of gods and men, and the overshadowing ruler of cloudy Olympus ! — for now I perceive that the invader of the Lowlands Low has been driven back with terrific slaughter !" I then sent a dispatch to the President of the Confederacy in Hichmond, announcing that General Banks had been de- feated and completely wiped out ; that General R. Taylor had cajjtured eighteen hundred thousand Yankee pris- oners, and that the head of his invincible column was then in the Belleville L*on "Works of Algiers, protected and watched over by a strong line of Yankee sentinels. I then went to' the Yankee Raih"oad Depot, and de- manded a free pass to Brashear City. " By what authority," inquired the Yankee, " do you make that demand ?" " By the authority of the Southern Confederacy," I replied, " and in virtue of my vow to Mars, the death- scattering hero of bloody wars, that I will neither wash my face nor drink water until I have exterminated every damned Yankee in Louisiana, Mississij^pi, and the First Congressional District of Texas !" " You must be Macpherson," replied the Yankee. " Well and truly hast thou spoken," I answered him ; THK CONFEDERATE RELIGION. 95 " I AM Macpherson, the great Confederate traveller, whose Massive Intellect will produce a volume of Travels more entertaining, though less truthful, than the tales of the Arabian Nights." " If that won't pass you over this road," answered the Yankee, '' I don't know what will." He tlien gave me a dead-head ticket and introduced me to another chap, who at once made me drink a bottle of cham- pagne, after which I started off on my journey. " Xow, indeed," I exclaimed, " is the will of Jupiter made manifest, and heaven sends auspicious omens ; for I ride at the expense of the United States, and am drunk to start with, without cost — the indispensable condition of a Confederate Traveller and Warrior.'^ " Why is it," asked a chap in the cars, " that you still adhere to the religion of the Greeks and Romans, believe in omens, and offer orisons to the divinities of Olympus, w4iose worship has been overthrown by the light of •Christianity ?" " Untaught Ignoramus !" I ansAvered ; " benighted heathen of Yankee darkness ! if thy dull brain is ca- pable of comprehending the Confederate principles, I will explain them to you. The Confederate religion is a conglomeration of the faith of Moses and the intel- lectual fables of Olympus, which have been handed down to us by the greatest poets of the earth. As the Jews believe they are the chosen people, and a cussed sight better than anybody else, so do the Confederates believe that they are the salt of the earth — a position fully sustained by the large saline deposits near J^ew Iberia. So far, then, our faith is founded on Moses and the Israelites generally ; but the rest of it corre- 96 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. spends pretty faithfully witn the pagan religion, except that ours surpasses the pagan in the magnificent splen- dor of its fables. Let me illustrate this point to your ignorance-besotted mind. Ancient Troy was a village about half the size of Algiers, and the siege of the place was a series of fist-encounters between Ajax, Heenan, Priam, and other prize-fighters. But Homer has converted his pugilists into demigods, and has in- troduced nearly all the gods of heaven, earth, and hell as interested spectators, or active co-operationists. For all this there was a slight foundation in truth ; and the Confederate Religion difi*ers from and surpasses the ancient, in the fact that its biggest stories and achieve- ments have no foundation in fact whatever!" I then presented him with a copy of Macpherson's Confed- erate Arithmetic, and told him that if his muddy and debased brain could comprehend it, he was smarter than I was. The people along the road turned out by millions to see me, as the train passed on through the Lowlands Low, all giving a hundred and fifty cheers and fifty tigers, in honor of the Plato of the Confederacy and the Yenus of Madisonville, whose Mammoth Brain first brought together in a condensed and intelligible form the famous religion and philosophy of the !N^ew Nation, which are destined to sweep every other from the earth, from Greenland's Icy Mountains to Lidia's Coral Strand. The car in which I was seated was soon filled with bouquets, hurled at me through the window, formed of red, white, and red, indicative of the Confederate flag, and in imitation of those which the Confederates MACPHEESON SHOOTS AN ALLIGATOE. 97 of New Orleans have been accustomed to throw at the ])hiyers, since the damnable despotism of IT. S. will n'ot permit them to tnrow out-and-out secession flags. At last, the accumulated weight of bouquets and of my Ponderous Intellect proved too much for the labor- ing Engine, and it gave out, when we were kept wait- ing tor three hours, surrounded by impenetrable woods and dirty water, moccasin snakes and deep lagoons, overhung by weeping cypress-trees, and echoing for- ever with the melodious notes of bull-frogs and alli- gators. Then it was that I walked into the gloomy forest, and recalled to my mind the adventure of Balboa, who discovered the Pacific Ocean, and wading into it up to his waist, stretched forth his sword and took possession of that important stream in the name of his king. Therefore I waded into a mud-hole up to the top of my breeches, and stretching forth my brawny arm, took possession of it in the name of the Southern Confed- eracy! Mac^herson^ s Interview with an Alligator five hundred feet long. As I w^as wallowing back, I met an alligator five hundred feet long by Confederate measurement, which is ecpial to ten feet in Yankee mathematics. I imme- diately drew my Jefi'. Davis revolver, a terrible brass- mounted weapon, presented to me by the ladies of Doctor Palmer's congregation, and sHot the animal, ex- pecting to see him die at my feet. He paid no attention to it, but rolled over in the dirt' and yawned, as though nothing had happened. Then it was that my mind 5 98 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEKS. was filled with admiration and love for the noble ani- mal, to whom I delivered the following able address : " Majestic Confederate mudsill !— aboriginal inhab- itant of the Louisiana Lowlands Low ! — thou art im- pregnable as the defenses of Camp Bisland, and impervious to water and mud alike. Would to heaven that, deployed as skirmishers in R. Taylor's army, you might wade in Yankee blood, even as now you wallow in mud, the natural ally of the Southern Confederacy !" Arri/val at Tigerville. The engine having been repaired, it gave a Confed- erate snort, and with lightning in its eye and steel in its sinews, drew us to Tigerville, just as the sombre mantle of all-enshrouding night settled over the earth. The conductor shouted "Tigerville," and I looked out, expecting to see ^a city equal to Madisonville, but could discover nothing but a wide and lonely forest, in which the deep-laid shadows seemed to conceal a thou- sand phantom forms. But as the train moved on again, I got a sight at Tigerville, which apparently consisted of a grocery store and a brass kettle ; and I found that by a miraculous junction of nature and art, while the engine was in the centre of the city, the rear car, in which I was seated, was in the midst of prime- val forests, stretching away for miles on either hand. At last we reached Brashear City, a town larger than New Orleans, if you include the woods. A pe- culiarity of this city is, that it has no streets. BEASHEAE CITY HOTEL. The great Tenvple of Wisdom at Brashear City. Immediately I proceeded to the Brashear City Hotel, which I soon discovered was a vast temple of wisdom and economy. It so strongly resembles my dilapidated hospitable abode in Madisonville, that I burst into tears as the sweet image of that home arose before me with the Idiotic Boy, now the exponent of Confederate Philosophy, and of my spouse, who sighs for the return of her roving protector, even as Penelope sighed for the return of Ulysses ; but I hope she has fewer suitors than the excellent Greek lady alluded to. Calling for supper, I was told that none could be had ; as it was past the usual hour, and the chief cook had gone to bed. Then was I filled with admiration at the Arcadian simplicity of life in those remote re- gions, where the repose of a cook begins at nine o'clock in the evening, and is guarded by the changeless law of custom. Gladly, therefore, did I go to my room, suj^perless. The -apartment in which I was placed, aud from which a Yankee was expelled to make room for me, filled me with love and admiration beyond the power of language to describe. There was such an absence of all luxuries, or even necessaries of life, that I at once saw that the architect and proprietor of the establish- ment was a philosopher and a political economist. The rude walls were constructed of rough Confederate boards, undefiled by the carpenter's plane, the luxu- rious covering of the paper manufactory, or the un- necessary embellishment of the white-washer's brush. 100 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. "Thanks to Jnpiter!*' I exclaimed, 'Hlie wall-paper which might otherwise have been wasted upon these walls, can now be used for publishing secession jour- nals." I then got into bed, and pulled down the mus- quito-net. I discovered that the mattress was made of cane-stalks, the products of my native Louisiana, with an immense one in the centre, very convenient to hang upon to keej) one's self in bed. The only unne- cessary luxury I observed consisted of two table-cloths on the bed in place of sheets ; and I got up early in the morning, thinking they might be needed for use on the table. I had not been in bed a great while be- fore the umsquitoes, that were buzzing by millions around the net, commenced pouring through in close cohimn by battalions ; while an immense force was held back as a reserve to fill up the ranks shattered by the death-scattering blows of my manly arm. Kow it was that a great physical rencounter commenced, surpassing in bloody destruction the battle of Forts Jackson and St. Philip. I slaughtered them without mercy ; but I found that the wide forests surrounding the city were filled with dauntless legions ; and however many millions I might destroy, it was probable that I should be compelled at last to surrender to overpowering numbers. Therefore, I thought I would try to stop up some of the holes in the musquito-net. I stuck my hat into one of them, my boots into two others, my breeches into another, my Confederate coat and vest into another, and finally, the washstand and pitcher into the biggest one. But these precautions scarcely checked the overpowering advance of the hostile armies, and I went to tying up the holes in knots, mTEHVIEW WITH GOV. MOOEE. 101 until I had tied twenty-five hundred by the Confeder- ate arithmetic, which is fifty in Yankee mathematics ; but all to ii6 avail. I at last collected the carcasses of the slain, and piled them up around me ; after Avhich I. was enabled to enjoy a night of strength-nourishing repose. Arising in the morning, I discovered that there was no soap in the room, which I regarded as a high per- sonal compliment to my cleanliness ; it was as much as an admission on the part of the landlord, that I was clean enough ah-eady. Neither was there any looking- glass; and I knew at once that the landlord did not mean to encourage the sentiments of worldly pride, engendered in men and women when they survey their persons in a glass. I immediately took passage for Opelousas, whence I walked to Shreveport to find Governor Moore and the Legislature, the custodians of the civil rights of Louisi- ana, and the guardians of the State treasury. Interview with Governor Moore, I inquired diligently for them, but the inhabitants reported that they had left some time previous, at double-quick, carrying the treasury and archives in a one-horse cart. I followed on and reached the Red River ; and there I discovered Governor Moore weeping on a stump, in the depths of a dismal forest, surround- ed by insects and wild beasts. Seeing me, he fell upon my neck and cried like a child. " Guardian of law and order!" I exclaimed ; '' protector of States' rights and the treasury, dauntless commander-in-chief of the 102 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. State militia ! tliee do I embrace in fraternal and un- djing Confederate affection. Tell me, I pray thee, the cause of thine overwhelming grief." " Macpherson !" he said, in tearful tones ; " look here on this picture, and then on this. When I took charge of the Legislature, it sat in the fine State-house at Baton Kouge, and I was the proud potentate of the great sugar-planting State, while the treasury was overflowing with funds. But where am I now ?" " In a swamp, on a stump !" I replied. " Where is the treasury ?" he continued. " That's what I'm after," I answered. " Well, thou shalt see it," lie replied ; wdiereupon he led me to the borders of a mud-hole, and drawing aside the thick overhanging foliage, displayed to my vision a one-horse cart attached to a mule, and both stuck in the mud. "To this complexion hath it come at last 1" he groaned ; " for you see before you the archives and the treasury of the State !" I immediately overhauled the contents, and discov- ered the Act of Secession, of January 26, 1S61 ; a copy of Macpherson's Confederate Arithmetic, by which he had tried to multiply by 50, and so fill the treasury ; and an order conscripting all able-bodied niggers into the Confederate ranks as soldiers. " Those," said the Itinerant Moore, " are the State archives. Look no^v at the treasury." I looked, and discovered a five-cent shinplaster on the bank of West Baton Eouge, a blue car-ticket, and a receipt for two barrels of whisky. " That," said the weeping Moore, "is what remains of the wealth of Louisiana, after passing through the fiery ordeal of civil war, and the more trying ordeal of my MACPHEESON IN THE LEGISLATURE. 103 policy. The mule represents the motive power of the Confederacy, and the whole concern is now stuck in the mud." " But the glory of the New Nation still remains," I answered him. " Jeff. Davis still sits enthroned in oriental magnificence in Richmond, and the Idiotic Boy is monarch of Confederate Philosophy. Let us arise and exterminate the Yankee race !" We arose, and taking me to the recesses of an im- mense hollow tree, I discovered the Legislature in ses- sion. It consisted of three members, all dead drunk. "Join us," said the governor; and I joined. We soon became happy in the consciousness that we might soon recover the whole territory of the United States. I was accordingly elected a member of the Legislature, and we forthwith passed an act declaring the power of the Yankees at an end, and seizing the whole conti- nent of America, in the name of the Southern Con- federacy, the said act to take effect immediately. '' Thanks to Jupiter I" I exclaimed ; " the war is now at an end ; the North is subdued, and the flag of the New Nation floats in triumph over every inch of ground on the vast continent." We then got blind drunk, from which I was aroused by the recollection that a week before I had made a vow of larceny, and had promised to steal three horses for the Honest Jew, who had promised to wait in Algiers until I should send him the specified number of animals. I accordingly started off at double-quick, and returned to the Yankee headquarters at Opelousas. 10 J: TilK MACPHEESON LETTERS. The Vow of LarGGiiy f^ilfilled. I was there advised tliat the Late battle-field of Camp Bisland afforded great facilities for. stealing horses, and thither I went. Looking around, I discovered not less than sixty animals, and I immediately telegraphed to the Honest Jew, that if he would come up there, I would give him thirty horses instead of three. He went and met me with a glowing face on that field of bloody encounter, in which R. Taylor's forces drove the Yankees thirteen hundred miles in thirteen hours, averaging a hundred miles to the hour. He immedi- ately embraced me. "You pe vun shentlemans," said he; "I bays your pills at the hotel." " All right," I answered him ; " there are sixty horses up there; you shall have thirty; take your pick." He started off on the run, but soon returned with fire and indignation in his eyes. "You pe vun tam fillain !" he exclaimed. " What's the matter, sweet one !" I asked, in a tone of tenderness. " You tam fillain ! the horses pe every vun tead !" " Dead !" I exclaimed, " and so young — the oldest not being quite twenty ! But weep not, my Honest Jew ; they died in the sacred cause of the Southern Confederacy. Dules et decormn est pro patria mori. You never tried it, poor Jew, and you never will. But, I tell thee, I did not promise that the horses sliould be alive; and no^v, O Hermes! god of thieves, GREAT CONFEDEEATE PARSON. 105 I have fulfilled my vow of blood and larceny !" I then kissed the Honest Jew and returned to New Or- leans, having been invited to preach in a secession church on Sunday, April 26t]i, in consequence of my able exposition of the Confederate Religion to the Yankee Ignoramus, and in view of the fact that the proclamation of tliat bloody despot, Abraham Lincoln, had been ordered to be read in the churches on that day. The prevailing belief among the Confederates was, til at I was the only Confederate parson smart enough to do the thing up properly, and outwit the dull Yankee brain. Therefore did I haste, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, to as- sume the robes of divinity. In my next letter, I shall appear as tlie Great Confederate Parson, reading the Proclamation, and will reproduce the sermon I deliver- ed on that occasion. My task for this week is done. I travelled through tlie Louisiana Lowlands Low, with a rapidity that would do credit to an engine on the Opelousas road. I am the greatest traveller in the Confederacy, and my only wonder is that my heart does not swell witli pride and egotism when I think of my accomplishments. But with all my Massive Intellect and power in the Confederacy, I am not egotistic in any degree beyond what is warranted in the Confederate Code of Egotism. Yours, modestly, James B. Macpheeson. 5* 106 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. CHAPTER XIII. Macpherson appears as a Clergyman, and expounds the Confederate Gospel. — His encounters the Weeping Orphan, and unkxpectedly finds a Large Family on HIS HANDS. — He preaches from the Text: "Blow ye!" etc., etc. Note. — President Lincoln issued a proclamation, setting apart tlie 80th. day of April, 1863, as a day of national humiliation, fasting, and prayer. General James Bowen, Provost Marshal General of Louisiana, issued a circular, in which he "requested" (that was the word used) all the clergymen officiating in the chm'ches of New Orleans, Jeffer- son, Carrolton, and Algiers, to read the proclamation of the President to their congregations, on Sunday, the 26th of April — the Sunday pre- ceding the day designated by the President. Some of the clergymen paid no attention to this request. Others read it, and the reading was made the occasion for very noisy and disgraceful demonstrations on the part of the secessionists in the congregation. The women took the lead in the sacrilegious proceedings. The moment the read- ing commenced, they left the churches in a very noisy and offensive manner, shuffling their feet, upsetting stools, and otherwise disturb- ing the peace and good order of the sanctuary. Some of the clergy- men, anxious to soothe the nerves of their secession hearers, an- nounced that they Avould read the Proclamation because they had been ordered to read it — an assertion as false as it was cowardly, since, as has been stated already, they were only requested to read it. One of the clergy who neglected to read it at all was Father Joubert, of St. Augustinss church, who, the author has been told, refused to administer the sacrament to colored men wdio had enlisted in the army ; thus making it an offense punishable with eternal damnation for a negro to fight for the Union !. Father Lemaitre, of the St. Rose de Lima, read the proclamation, and preached an out-and-out Union sermon to an immense congregation. He was soon after excommu- nicated by Archbishop Odin ; but the author is pleased to learn that lie paid no attention to his sentence, refused to be damned in all his parts for the sin of being a Union man, and still continues to exer- cise his ecclesiastical office. One clergyman, whose congregation un- DISPATCH FROM JEFF. DAVIS. 107 derstoocl only tlie Frencli language, read the proclamation in English ; which woidd seem to warrant Macpherson in reading it in the JEit\iio\)ic. Madisonville, La., May 9, 1863. ■ Sir : — I am greater than Hercules, the son of Jupi- ter, for he performed but twelve labors of immortal distinction ; but I, having performed twelve, now enter upon my thirteentli with my Mammoth Brain un- dimmed, and the fires of genius glowing more brightly than when I began. Keturning from my immortal travels through the Louisiana Lowlands Low, I had scarcely set foot upon the Levee at New Orleans, when a courier, mounted on a Confederate mule, came riding up with the rapid- ity of lightning. " I am," he said, '' the bearer of im- portant dispatches from your Idiotic Boy, the Great exponent of Confederate Philosophy in Madisonville, since your departure from your dilapidated hospitable abode." I opened the dispatches with a trembling hand, and was startled at the vast importance of the matter therein contained. Jeff. Davis, whose mud image stands uj^on my shelf in Madisonville, and which I always approach with uncovered head, had telegraphed to the Idiotic Boy as follows : Jeff. Davis^s Dispatch, The Proclamation of Abraham Lincoln appointing a day of national humiliation and prayer, must not be read in the churches of I^ew Orleans ; or, if read, it must be received with hisses, howls, and Confederate lOS Tip: IklACPHEKSON LETTEKS. suorts. Your father, James B. Macpherson, is charged with the executiou of this order. I am, my dear Idiot, Your faithful imitator, Jeff. Davis, President of the American Continent. I "Thanks to Jupiter!" I exclaimed, "the son and conqueror of Saturn, whose thunders resound from Olympus like the roar of a Confederate shot-gun ; it is my pleasant duty and province to stay the tide of Yankee sacrilege, and save from defilement the great Confederate Temple of Holiness ! " I then looked at the town-clock to see what time it was, and found that it was precisely six p. m. As I was gazing upon the clock, whose massive liands mark the rapid departure of the fieet-footed hours, I was tapped upon the shoulder by a man of giant frame. His form towered on high more lofty than that of the bloody despot Abraham Lincoln, whose throne at Washington is built of human skulls, and whose daily food is a fricasseed Southerner. His large and glowing face was red as a Confederate army shoe, and his threadbare gray garments showed me plainly that he belonged to the glorious JS^ew ^NTation. He gazed upon me with a look of melting tenderness with those fiery eyes, beaming in their sunken sockets like the orbs of night, or the all-warming sun in his meridian glory, and falling at my knees, he burst into a flood of tears. " I am a Weeping Orphan ! " he said : " I am six THE WEEPING OrwPIIAN". " 109 foet and five inclies high, and fortj-nine years of age. AVeight, two hnndred and eighty pounds." '' Unhaj^py youth ! " I excLaimed : " thine enormous height entitles thee to the sympathy of a Confederate philosopher, even if thou, tender bud and sweet honey- suckle of affliction, hadst not been cast upon the cold charities of the w(jrld at a tender age." " How do you make that out ?" asked a Yankee, in a gruff voice, interrupting my train of sublime medita- tion ; " up JsTorth we call a man of forty-nine years well advanced in life!" "And so he is," I answered^ "in those unhappy realms of Yankeedom ; but in the celestial Confederacy a man does not arrive at the years 'of discretion until he is fifty-one." I then fell upon the breast of the Weeping Orphan, and told him that I would share with him my last crust, and invited him to my quarters at the St. Louis Hotel, which invitation he accepted with flow- ing tears of gratitude. MaGj)herson finds himself with a large family on his hands. Scalrcely had we taken four drinks, before the Or- phan burst into a flood of such violent tears that I feared the effect upon his tender constitution. " Oh ! " he cried, " what will become of those sweet buds of affection, my wailing infants, who groan for bread ; and my tender spouse, whose grief surpasses my own ?" "Bring them hither," I exclaimed ; "I will protect them from the cold blasts of the world, and fill their mouths with bread and jerked beef." 110 THE MACPHERSON LETTEKS. " Generous stronger !" exclaimed tlie Orphan ; " I accept the proffered hosj^italities of your house." He then brought in his family, which consisted of a wife and thirteen children, and all about the same size. " These are the cause of my anxiety,'' he exclaimed, " and for these I weep almost as much as for my own bereaved lot, cast as I am, at a tender age, upon my own resources." '' I will keep this charge ! " I answered, " and thou slialt know that none ever in vain appealed to the charity of the Plato of the Confederacy." I then ordered supper for the crowd, and found that it would cost me $85 per day to feed my unhappy guests. Sunday morning, April 20, 1863, daAvned upon the world with resplendent glory. The all-beholding sun shone from a cloudless sky, and the birds sang sweetly around the lofty chimneys of the St. Louis Hotel, where I might liave been seen arm-in-arm with the Weeping Orphan, followed by his wife and thirteen infants, wending our way towards the Great Confed- erate Temple of Holiness in Camp-street. The people, attracted by the understanding that I was to exj^ound the Confederate religion, and read Abraham Lincoln's Proclamation in a Confederate manner, turned out in overpowering numbers. At least three hundred thou- sand registered enemies were present, and as many more went away, unable to gain admittance. I^ot having a pastoral robe I pulled off my coat, and 'mounted the pulpit in my shirt sleeves, where I was received with loud applause. The women waved their handkerchiefs and cried, "God bless you!" I was always popular with the women of New Orleans, CONFEDERATE SAINTS. Ill and the reason of it is that I so profusely and ably represent their thoughts, feelings, and wishes. I am endowed with the extraordinary gift of nature, which enables me to read the innermost emotions and thoughts of the human mind. I comprehend to its fullest extent that deep, and intense, and passionate, and divine super- human hatred, which the true ladies of 'New Orleans cherish in their glowing bosoms for the whole Yankee race — a hatred as deep as the twelfth circle of Dante's Inferno, and as high as the flag-staff of the St. Charles Hotel before it was cut down. Hate the Yankees? Yes ! I hate thirst, when there is no Confederate rum within a hundred miles of me ! I had rather be a door- keeper in a Confederate hog-pen than to play a piano in the parlor of a Yankee. Therefore it is that I am popular with the true ladies of New Orleans; and there- fore it is, that the moment I stepped into the pulpit I was loaded down with bouquets and sympathy. The audience began to cry out, " Macpherson ! Mac- pherson !" I was about to respond, when, much to my astonishment and indignation, the Weeping Orphan dodged in ahead of me, and with streaming eyes in- formed the people of his unhappy lot in life. It occurred to me that something might be made out of the affair : I proposed that a collection should be taken up for the weeping object of sympathy before me. Three thousand dollars were collected, which I put in my own pocket, and then proceeded "with the exercises. "Confederate saints," I said, "and believers in the only true faith, we shall begin this performance by singing a beautiful hymn, composed by myself, and 112 THE MACPHEKSOI^ LETTERS. touchiiiglj appropriate to tlie mournful occasion on which we meet." YANKEES. Hymn in L. M., by Eev. James B. Macpherson, of Madisonville, Poet Laureate, Author, Philosopher, Warrior, and Traveller. 1. Yankees have liorns and lioofs and tails, The soil is blighted where they tread. And be they women, be they males, I wish the Yankee race was dead. Confederate vengeance, like a blow From the avenging hand of Fate, Shall lay all the damned Yankees low In our brave Louisiana State. I requested the choir to omit the first and second stanzas of the above beautiful hymn, which they did. Tlie singing concluded, I proceeded to deliver itly great discourse. Macphersooi''s Sermon. " Confederate saints and ladies," I said, " my text this morning may be found somewhere, if any of you will take the trouble to look for it ; but a Confederate philosopher is necessarily so much engaged in rumma- ghig over the Classical Dictionaries and hunting up Olympian fables with which to maintain the cause of the Confederacy, that I have not had time to ascertain the exact place where it may be found. The words are these : " ' Blow Ye !' " In the text, as it stands in the Book, I think there 113 is sometluDg said about a trumpet ; but it is a beauti- ful and sublime feature of the Confederate religion, that you can strike out any part that don't please you, and add any thing you'd like to see there. I have accordingly struck out from the text the words, ' the trumpet,' and this gives us a splendid expression of the basis of the whole Confederate establishment, and reads simply : ' Blow Ye !' I cannot imagine how two words could possibly be found which more fittingly express the duty of every Confederate. I have searched the annals of by-gone ages ; I have explored every tongue, living and dead ; I have sought in the hieroglyphics of Egypt, the euphonious language of the Greeks, the sublime speech of the Romans, and the fiery words of the Gauls; but nowhere have I found two words so worthy of the obedience of every one in the Confed- eracy, as those I have selected for my text on this occasion ; and therefore I cry with a loud voice : Blow Te! " I have endeavored to live up to this great funda- mental principle of the Confederacy, and in my life to give a touching and noisy example of the faith. I am the great Confederate Blower, and the reason of my fame among men is, that I blow in a more faithful manner than the general run of Confederates, although the average of the Confederate race is but very little behind me. To the Confederates of New Orleans I give the deserved and proud distinction of Blowing in a manner perfectly satisfactory to our King, Jeff. Davis, President of the American Continent. To you, fair ladies, whose beauty is unsurpassed by Hebe herself, I award the meed of supreme merit next to myself, in 114 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. • living up to this great fundamental principle of Con- federate faith. I defy any man with a spark of com- mon humanity in his breast, or the faintest gleam of com- mon sense in his muddy and idiotic brain, to mingle with the Confederates of New Orleans, whether in public or social life, and say that they do not faithfully follow the divine commandment of this text. Yes, brother saints of both sexes, the Blowing which has been done in your city, vindicates you forever against the foul suspicion that you meant wdiat you said when you took the oath of allegiance to the United States. Continue in this grand career, and you shall win im- mortal honor. As for mj^self, whether in sickness or in health, in victory or death, in carnage and slaughter, or in peace and innocence, I will Blow and Blow for- evermore. Yea, from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, all saws and books, all forms, all pressures past, that youth and observation copied there ; and this commandment all alone shall live within the book and volume of my brain, unmixed with baser matter !" I then placed my hands inge- niously over my mouth, and blew so fiercely that it frightened the thirteen infants of the Weeping Orphan, and they cried in concert with me, making a most beautiful illustration of Confederate theology. At this stage of the proceedings, a delegation entered from Algiers, leading a small live alligator by a red string, which he presented to me in behalf of the Yankee Railroad men at the Algiers Depot. The head man informed me that this beautiful animal was cap- tured in the Louisiana Lowlands Low, and that the captors presented him to me as a token of regard for 115 the noble animal ; and also that they wished to know his dimensions by Confederate measnrement. I found that according to the rules of Confederate Arithmetic, he was seventy -five feet long, which is equal to eigh- teen inches by Yankee measurement. And liere allow me to say, that the Confederate Arithmetic is 23erfectly simple, and if the public will pay proper attention to its rules, they can learn to ci^Dlier as well as I can, and I shall not then be bothered by people coming to have me do their sums for them. Multiply every Yaids;ee figure by fifty, and you get the Confederate total. The delegation then departed, and I resumed my discourse, having sent the animal under an escort of Stuart's cavalry, to my dilapidated hospital)le abode. " Confederate Saints !" I said, ^' I have now a most loathsome and unholy duty to perform. I have been ordered by the Provost Marshal General, under the penalty of death, to read in your hearing a loathsome and unholy proclamation by that most foul and un- natural despot, Abraham Lincoln, a tyrant more base than Caligula or the princes of Central Africa. The proclamation fixes next Thursday as a day of national humiliation, fasting, and prayer, and I had rather give a thousand dollars than to read it in my temple of Confederate Holiness, provided I was allowed to take up another collection. But my life is of great value to the Confederacy, and the fundamental faith of the New Nation is, that every man shall look out for his own neck. Rather than have my able brain separated from the gigantic frame on which it now stands, I will read this most hateful proclamation, and I hope the arrangements will prove eftective !" 116 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. I tlien commenced reading the proclamation in the Ethiopian tongue, and, simultaneously with the pro- nunciation of the first word, the whole audience gave the Confederate snort, while a nigger fiddler struck up the R. Taylor Gallopade^ and forty others danced a grand hoe-down in the gallery. The "Weeping Orphan pinched his thirteen children until they screamed at the top of their voice, and the ladies went to upsetting stools and drumming on the pews with their fan- handles. As soon as the reading was completed, the audience knelt and received my benediction. Thus did I outwit the dull Yankee brahi ; thus did I obey the order and trample it in the dust at the same time ; tlius did I save the great temple of Confederate Holiness from defilement and sacrilege. Eeturning from church, I indulged in liberal pota- tions, and made the proposition to the Weeping Or- phan of taking five hundred drinks in succession, and we went at it. I recollect swallowing the thirtieth, and then my Massive Brain lost a consciousness of mundane events. But when I awoke, I found that the "Weeping Orphan had stolen $3,000 out of my pocket, and ske- daddled, leaving his wife and thirteen children on my liands to support. Thus, in a moment, was I reduced from luxury to abject penury and degrading poverty; and my scanty earnings barely sustain the life of the helj)less ones that fortune has so unexpectedly thrown under the protecting segis of my Benevolence. But such is the fate of all sublunary greatness. The light that streams down from the morning sun is, ere lono^. hidden in the shadows of all-enshroudino^ nio^ht. The suiile that lights up the face of innocence and MACPHEKSON PHILOSOPHISES. 117 beauty is soon dissipated and lost in the haggard lines of grief. Tlie step of youth must some da}^ totter with age ; the glory of life is transient as the meteor's flash ; and until I have an opportunity to take up another collection, or to steal a thousand dollars, I must grapple, single-handed and alone, with the ill fortunes of life, and remain gaunt with famine and thirst. Yours, theologically, James B. Macphekson. 118 THE MACPHERSON LETTEES. CHAPTEE XIY. Macpherson as a Military Chieftain. — He is appointed A Major General of Confederate Volunteers. — He issues a Proclamation, raises an Army, and wins two Battles in a sin(5le Day, etc., etc. Note. — The rebel forces at Pontcliatoula, tlie capture of which place has already been noted, were composed, in part, of Choctaw Indians. Some of these were captured and brought to New Orleans as prisoners of war, Madisonville, La., May IGth, 1863. Sir: — Plunged suddenly into the depths of militaiy glory and renown, it becomes my pleasant duty to ac- quaint the aduiirmg millions who read my able pro- ductions, that Jeff. Davis, the great Confederate Jupiter, has appointed and commissioned me a Major General of Confederate Yolunteers, with my Idiotic Boy as Chief of Staff, and has erected this part of the Con- federacy into a military district, to be known as the Department of Madisonville. My first official act was to get blind drunk on Con- federate whisky, after which I directed my Idiotic Boy to issue my Proclamation, as follows : MaGjphersonh Proclamation. Head Qes. Depae't Madisonville, Madisonville, La., May 10th, 1863. General Order No. 1. In accordance with the unparalleled glory and dignity which now surround me, I hereby assume command of the army and AN ABSOEBING PEOFANITY. 119 navy of the Department of Madisonville. I shall demand and enforce the fullest obedience to the Confederate Articles of War; and all male persons between the ages of ten and one hundred are hereby notified to report to me at once, armed and equii)ped for military service. Any citizen or resident of this Department, male or female, who shall hereafter prononnce the word " Yan- kee" without placing before it the Confederate adjective "damned," sliall be hung without trial. ISoldiers and females of Madisonville! arise in your might and glory, and hurl the terrific thunderbolts of merciless vengeance against the United States! In me you have a leader worthy of your highest confidence and admiration, who will lead you to im- mediate victory and undying renown. With my own hand I will plant the victorious Stars and Bars on the Custom House of New Orleans, and on the St. Charles and City hotels ; and sweeping with my legions like a besom of death-scattering destruction, I will not pause in my onward career of homicide and slaughter, until my unconquerable army shall enter the Arctic regions, and plant the almighty and overpowering flag of the Confederacy upon the North Pole, there to float as long as the all-nourishing earth shall revolve in the boundless and unfathomable realms of celestial space. By order of Maj. Gen. James B. Macpheeson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. The first extraordinary result of my promotion was an absorbing profanity, which compelled me to swear every time I opened my mouth ; and I believe that my experience in this respect is similar to that of most military men. Whereas, but a few days befoi^e I stood in the pulpit and expounded the Confederate religion to a benighted world, and presented myself as a model of the Christian virtues and graces, and a strict temper- ance man, I found, the moment I put on a uniform, I was bound to swear like a Second Dragoon, and drink like the Tenth Infantry. " Where is your army ?" asked the Idiotic Boy. 120 " THE MACPHEKSON LETTEES. "Damn the army!" I replied. "It is a peculiarity of Confederate warfare, that a Major General requires no army. Proclamations, sir, proclamations are the things with wliich to crush the Yankee foe. How did Beauregard raise the blockade of Charleston ? With a Proclamation ! How did Magruder do the same thing at Galveston ? With a Proclamation ! How did Gov- ernor Moore conscript the niggers in the Trans-Missis- sippi Department? With a Proclamation ! Are they greater Generals than I? 'No, sir! You damned Idiot ! talk to me about an army ! I'll show you that I'm Major General and Commander of the Depart- ment. Pen, ink, paper, and gas are the only imple- ments necessary to secure a Confederate victory at every step !" I then wrung the Idiot's nose and swore to be revenged. Subsequently I determined to raise an army, and opened a Recruiting Office in Madisonville, and swore that 1 would fill the ranks at all hazards. I raised a Confederate flag two hundred feet long by Confederate measurement, which is four feet in Yankee mathemat- ics, and sent a nigger through the streets pounding on a tin pan to drum up recruits. The first one that came in was seventy-four years of age, blind in one eye, walking on two crutches, and armed with a buzz-saw. "Welcome!" I exclaimed, "young and ardent sol- dier of your country, to the headquarters of Confeder- ate glory. You are the nucleus of the army of this department, and I will lead you to endless conquest !" He then whirled his buzz-saw and took his place in line-of-battle. I conscripted two niggers to hold him up on his crutches w^hile he should fight. A COLUMN IN OEDEE OF BATTLE. 121 rindiiig tliat tins patriotic youth was tlie only per- son who would voluntarily enlist, or voluntarily obey my orders, I resolved to enforce my authority at the point of the sword, 'mid scenes of broil and battle. I therefore mounted the Confederate Mule, the same an- imal that carried me to 'New Orleans when I attended the great Charity Fair, and drawing my shining blade with a Confederate flourish, placed myself at the head of the column, determined to lead in person, according to Macpherson's Confederate Tactics, a profound work on military science, which I had compiled the night before. I marched off in the following order : 1st. The General Commanding, viz., mj^self. 2d. Music, viz., the nigger with a tin pan. 3d. The column in order of battle, consisting of the patriotic youth, sup- ported on either flank by an African. I determined to make my first demonstration on the abode of a Choctaw Indian, who had some time been seen about Madisonville dressed in the peculiar and fantastic style of his race. Halting in front, I gave the order to deploy column in the back yard, for the purpose of cutting off retreat, while 1 should attack in front, with the musician supporting me as a reserve. These dispositions having been made on scientific principles, I gave the Confederate snort, the great sig- nal of attack. The Indian, started from his morning slumbers, without waiting to dress, jumped out of a side window and cut for the woods. " Sweet Choc- taw !" I exclaimed, "for the moment thy speed gives thee success ; but this is no fault of my tactics, and thou owest thy safety to the fact that I have not an adequate force to support my flanks. K thou thinkest 6 122 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. me deficient in the art of war, try and make thine es- cape through the back yard, over my invincible col- umn !" I then put spurs to my mule, and started in pursuit. After a race of two miles, I overtook him and held him, while, in obedience to my orders, the column came up, and the Choctaw was conscripted, and took his place in line of battle, a willing and obe- dient soldier of the Confederacy. '' The Great Spirit," I said to him, "will not send any Choctaw to the happy Hunting Grounds, unless he fights for the Con- federacy." The column then marched back to Madi- sonville. My Chief of Staff reported a case of gross and dam- nable insubordination, which I resolved to punish in Confederate style, with the fullest extremity of military vengeance. A young and able-bodied man, only sixty years of age, living in the suburbs of the city of Madi- sonville, had disregarded the order to enlist, and had concealed himself in the woods, armed with a shot-gun, determined to die rather than take up arms against the United States. I immediately ordered my forces, white and Choctaw, to advance, and halted at the res- idence of the accursed Yankee. Dismounting, I en- tered the house, where I found a woman and five chil- dren. " Where," I demanded in tones of thunder, flourishing my sword, and stamping my foot, " where, woman, is thy Yankee husband f ' " Oh, sir !" said she, falling at my feet, and looking imploringly in my face, " for the love of Heaven, spare him ! He is old and feeble, and we shall starve with- out him. We are poor and hungry, and he is our only hope. Look upon my children, and pity us." CONFEDERATE JUSTICE. 123 "What are cliildren to me, or I to children?" I asked. " I am a Confederate General, sworn to win innumerable battles with this shining sword, and to exterminate the whole vile race of detested Yankees. Your husband shall die ! He is a Yankee !" " He is not a Yankee," said the woman ; " he was born and raised in Louisiana." " What do I care where he was born ?" I answered. " Every man wdio does not fall down and worship Jeff. Davis and the Southern Confederacy, and is not will- ing to leave wife. and children behind him to starve to death, for the sake of Southern independence, the same is a Yankee, and shall suffer death ?" I then ordered the Choctaw Division to advance, wdth two blood- hounds thrown out in front, as skirmishers and detect- ives, and gave orders to bring the villain, alive if pos- sible, but dead, if necessary. The Division gave the Choctaw warwhoop and advanced at the double-quick, and the bloodhounds soon got on the scent. In a few hours the accursed villain was brought to my head- quarters, bleeding from wounds inflicted by my skir- mishers. "I am old and feeble," he began to say, "and wholly unable to bear arms." " Silence !" I exclaimed. " Perhaps your benighted and besotted mind does not understand the great fun- damental principles of Confederate Justice, so beauti- fully illustrated in the official career of General Hind- man, who reprieved two men after they had been shot. It is a peculiarity in our system of jurisj)rudence, that we understand a case without asking any questions, and convict and punish a man without investigating 124 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. liis case. I have Confederate brains in my head, and it is as clear to me as the light which beams from the all-beholding sun, that you are a Yankee Abolitionist. You will, therefore, prepare for instant death." A gallows was erected in front of his house, and he was hung by the Choctaw Division, under my order. As an act of mercy, I permitted his wife and children to witness the execution. Thus, in a single day, did I raise and equip a Con- federate army, discipline them, put them on a war footing, and win two battles. I retired for the night, thankful for the success of my patriotic, efforts, and panting for glory upon the field of carnage. Yours undeviatingly, James B. Macpherson. A 3VIIDNIGHT ASSASSIN. 125 CHAPTEE XY. Macpherson Encounters and shoots a Midnight Assas- sin.— He CONSCRIPTS Negroes, and addresses them in A Manner calculated to arouse their Zeal in the Con- federate Cause. — He appoints his Staff, etc., etc. Note, — In tlie following letter the autlior attempted to exhibit tlie Southern method of treating negroes, and the inducements which the Richmond Government might offer them to serve in their cause. " The Inconso] able Thug," who receives a staff appointment, is a gentle- man whose history has been omitted in this volume. He had a phys- ical fight with Macpherson, in which the Confederate Philosopher was so badly worsted that he had to wear his head bandaged with '•' a material poultice" for some weeks. Madisonville, La., May 23, 1863. Sir : — Arousing from a dream, I looked up and saw a Midnight Assassin stealing into my room with fierce looks, and with a dagger in his hand, which he pur- posed to plunge into my vitals. This sight it was that harrowed up my soul, froze my young blood, made my two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres, my knol;- ted and combined locks to part, and each particular hair to stand on end like quills upon the fretful porcu- pine ! "Is this a dagger which I see before me?" I exclaimed : " or art thou but a dagger of the mind ; a false creation, proceeding from the rum-oppressed brain ? Avaunt ! and quit my sight ! Let the earth hide thee!" But the earth declined to do it, and the stealth}' Midnight Assassin, with murder in his heart and the 126 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. instrument of death in his Rancl, stood over me, ready to perpetrate his crime of blood. " Such," I thought, "is the unhappy lot of greatness; to be exposed to the shafts of malignant envy, to be watched, hunted, fol- lowed, assassinated ! Oh that I were but an ordinary man ! Oh that nature had withholden from me the prolific gifts of Genius, and the masterly qualities of a military commander! Then I might have lived in quiet seclusion and peace ; but now I must die the vic- tim of envied greatness !" It then occurred to me that as a great Confederate General, it might be proper to show fight, and die in heroic combat, falling vrith my face to the foe. " What man dares, I dare ! " I exclaimed. "Approach thou like the rugged Russian Bear, the armed Rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan Tiger, and my firm nerves shall never tremble ! " As I said this, the cold perspiration stood upon my forehead. I then drew my Jeif. Davis revolver from under my head, and shot the villain dead on the spot! The moment I had committed this deed of homicide, my conscience reproved me, and trembling with fear, I wrapped my head uj) tight in the Confederate Blan- ket which always covers my martial couch. " I am," I said, " a foul and unnatural murderer ; and if justice dwells in Madisonville, I shall be hung by the neck until I am dead !" Aurora at last mounted her golden chariot, and the light of morning shed its celestial lustre over the man- inhabiting earth. But I, overcome by a consciousness of guilty homicide, dared not look up for two hours. Then I was moved by a conviction of duty, and wish- ing to drill my army in Confederate tactics, I resolved MADISONVILLE CONGO GUARDS. 127 to leap boldly from my conch, gaze indifferently upon the mangled remains of my victim, and deny all knowl- edge of the transaction. Therefore, hurling the per- spiration-besmeared blanket from my august person, I leaped from the bed and opened my eyes, to fix them on the dead corse of my red-handed homicide. But I discovered that nobody was hurt. There was, how- ever, a distinct bullet-hole in my Gray Confederate breeches, that were hanging on a chair at the foot of the bed ; and these I had mistaken and shot for a Mid- night Assassin. TTie Madisonville Congo Guards. Therefore, I determined to conscript all niggers between the ages of nine and one hundred, within ^yg miles of Madisonville, and issued orders to that effect. But the vile darkies did not heed my commands, and I therefore deployed the buzz-saw Division as skir- mishers, with orders to fetch in every nigger that could be found. Ten of them w^ere captured and brought to my headquarters ; whereupon I proceeded to address them in a very able and patriotic manner, both upon the destiny of articulate-speaking men, and the duty of Confederate soldiers in the field, with the hope of instilling into their besotted intellects- some gloamings of the lofty and humane philosophy of the Confederacy. "You damned niggers!" I said; " you are about to be enrolled as Confederate soldiers, under the laws of Louisiana, and in accordance with the proclamation of Governor Moore. This is the highest honor that could 128 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. be bestowed even upon a ■^liite man, and for you to receive it is a blessing so vast and incomprehensible that none but a Mammoth Brain can understand the full and imperishable felicity that has descended into your black souls. But you will please understand that this is not a compliment to you personally, but to the Confederacy which you represent; and you will also comprehend distinctly that you are not human beings at all, and that the design of the Infinite was that you should be slaves and wild beasts forever. The Con- federacy is based upon this divine law of nature, which made the Confederacy to boss and abuse niggers and keep them on a perfect equality with Confederate mules. You are the connecting link between man and the monkey, and differ from the Orang-Outang only in the gift of speech. This was given you by the Almighty, in order that you miglit better serve your masters ; for everybody must admit that a dumb nig- ger will not bring as high a price in the market as those that can utter speech. Yice President Stephens has nobly said that niggers are the corner-stone of the Confederacy, and this I wish to impress upon your debased and idiotic minds. Your heels are long and your shins tender, and that proves the truth of Judge Taney's declaration, that you haven't any rights that white men ought to respect. The Lord cursed Ham, and the ham was smoked. Therefore you are black, damn you ! and must be enslaved by the Confederates for evermore. I can prove it by the Confederate Bible ; for the theology of the Confederacy, as I showed in my celebrated sermon from the words, 'Blow ye,' permits true believers to strike out any pas- ADDliESS TO THE CONGO GUARDS. 129 sage of Scripture tliey don't like, and to put in any tiling they'd like to have there. " Therefore it is that the Confederate Theology is superior to every other. You can prove any tiling you want to by it, or you can confound every theory ever started or adopted by mortal man. The Confed- erate Bible is on a par with the Confederate Arithme- tic, and I am the author of both. Therefore, let no nigger dispute my words, for I can prove every thiug I say. You are niggers, and niggers are not men, and it is now your glorious privilege to fight for these di- vine j)rinciples of the Southern Confederacy — princi- ples founded upon the great and everlasting law of Confederate veracity." The effect of this splendid oration upon those to whom it was addressed, was, indeed, like magic. The bold declarations of truth smote upon their heathenish and bestial intellects, and insj^ired them with overpow- ering and matchless zeal for Southern Independence. They gave five hundred cheers for the Confederacy, and six hundred for me, and threw their hats a thou- sand feet in the air by Confederate measurement, Avhile the biggest nigger, grinning from ear to ear, struck up the Old John Brown song, the whole Congo Division joining in the chorus: "Glory, glory, hallelujah!" Immediately the spirit of prophecy and of jDoesy de- scended upon me, and I composed a Confederate war- song, to be sung on all occasions, as follows : 130 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. SONG OF THE CONGO GUARDS. By James B. Macpherson, Author of the Confederate Arithmetic and the Hymn of Salvation. 1. Oil the niggers tliey are monkeys and were born for slavery. The niggers they are monkeys and were born for slavery, The niggers they are monkeys and were born for slavery. As we go fighting along. Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallekijah ! Glory, glory, hallelujah! As we go fighting along. 2. Oh the abolition Yankees they are a set of thieves. The abolition Yankees, &c., &c. I sliould have proceeded further with this beautiful production, but I have adopted the rule that I will never write a poem of more than two stanzas. I then proceeded to arm the Congo Division with sheep- shears, and issued the following General Order : Headquaeters, Department of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., May 20th, 1863. General Order No. 3. The General Commanding hereby gives notice that the follow- ing high-toned gentleman and officers will constitute his staff, and will be obeyed and respected accordingly until farther orders : The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. The Honest Jew, Chief Quartermaster. The Unhappy Ofss, Chief Commissary. The Solitary Horseman, Chief of Cavalry. The Noble Woman, Superintendent of the Great Confederate Clothing Emporium in New Orleans. The Inconsolable Thug, Chief of Artillery. The Weeping- Orphan, Judge Advocate. The Southern Sourck, Chief of Signal Corps. CONFEDERATE LAW OF PEOMOTION. 131 The officers above named will report immediately at the Great Confederate Clothing Emporium, in Canal street, and the ladies of New Orleans are hereby directed to furnish a uniform for each, out of the great Charity Fund. By order of Majoe Geneeal James B. Macphekson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staflf. It will be seen that in the above order I have fol- lowed the Confederate law of promotion, and given a posish to each of my friends. I shall make each of my nine sons a Brigadier General as soon as I can re- cruit nine men. Yours, boldly, James B. Macpherson. 132 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. CHAPTEE XYI. The Registered Enemies of the United States leave THE Department of the Gulf. — General Macpherson superintends their Departure. — He "Gobbles" them as SOON AS they arrive IN HIS DOMINIONS. He UNEXPECT- EDLY MEETS THE HoNEST JeW, ETC., ETC. Note. — On the 30tli of April, 1863, an order was publislied by Major General Banks, requiring all registered enemies of the United States to leave the Department of the Gulf, on or before tlic fifteenth day of the next month. As no one could sail for any port in the United States or a foreign country without taking the oath of allegiance to the United States, the registered enemies were compelled to go over to the •* Confederacy," for which they had professed such a profound rever- ence and love. So long as they were forbidden to go, they were loud in their complaints tliat the cruel and despotic government should prevent them from joining their friends ; but when they were or- dered to go, all their zeal disappeared, and they were equally loud in their complaints that the cruel and despotic government should com- pel them to go. When the time of their departure actually arrived, they presented a melancholy spectacle ; a more dejected set of wretches was never seen. To add to their grief, as soon as they arrived in Mobile, the able-bodied men were forced to join the rebel army. The order sending them out of the Department was received with great exultation by the Union citizens of New Orleans; for some of these registered enemies had become very insolent, under the lenity that permitted them to remain in the city. Many of them had registered their names as enemies of the United States, in order to make them- selves popular with the secessionists, and '.vithout any expectation that they would ever be compelled to leave the Department. And when they found that the fact of being registered enemies in- volved the necessity of going away, and, as was the case with many, of leaving home, family, and kindred behind them, perhaps forever, the romance all melted into thin air, and they discovered that a sen- timental attachment for the land of Jeff. Davis, which could be cher- ished in security at a distance, was quite a different matter when it exiled them from the comforts and pleasures of civilised life. REGISTERED ENEMIES. lo6 Madisonville, La., May 30tli, 1863. Sir : — A Macedonian cry came to me as in my dilap- idated hospitable abode I meditated schemes of blood- shed and revenge. It came from 'New Orleans, from a Eegistered Enemy, and said : " What shall I do ? Come over and help me !" Arriving in JSTew Orleans, I immediately called upon the Macedonian, and with him forthwith went down to Lakeport to witness the departure of the first regular load of Registered Enemies. " E'ow," I said, " there will be a grand secession demonstration, exceeding that on the levee, when the women turned out en masse to kiss the departing Confederate prisoners. I will sum- mon the people to arms, raise a revolt, capture JSTew Orleans, and add it to the Department of Madisonville !" But when I arrived at the point of embarkation my soul and face became swollen with Confederate indite- nation. For instead of a grand secesh demonstration I only found a small crowd of weeping Vv^omen and wailing children, who said they wished their husbands and fathers had taken the oath of allegiance to the United States, instead of running oft' to the Confederacy and leaving them to starve alone. " Stop such treasonable talk as that !" I shouted in tones of Confederate thunder. " Every person who utters a sentiment favorable to the Union, will have his name written down, and he shall be hung when the Confederates come here !" "What has the United States done so bad?" asked a woman w^ho was weeping in a base and cowardly man- ner at the departure of her husband. " Did we not 134 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. live together in peace and -plenty before tlie Soutli seceded? What wickedness did the United States commit ?" " It robbed iis of eternal rights," I answered. " Is it not the eternal right of a wife to be protected by her husband, and to have her children fed and cared for by their father ?" asked she, in a violent flood of tears. " Base, cowardly woman !" I exclaimed ; " the great light of Confederate Science has never pierced your weak and debased intellect. "Women and children, food and raiment, are nothing beside Southern Inde- pendence. Were it not for the rebellion, would I ever have been a Major General ? 'No ! Would Jeff. Davis have been a President ? 'No ! Would My Idiotic Boy have been Chief of Staff, or the Honest Jew a Qu£trter- master ? No ! Such, madame, are the happy fruits of rebellion. What to me are weeping women and starv- ing children ? — what desolate firesides and blasted fields ? — what trenches of buried soldiers and plantations gone to waste ? E"othing ! These are the price of Confed- erate shoulder-straps and civic crowns. What though they are stained in innocent blood and bathed in wom- an's tears ? They glitter all the same, and glory still summons the Confederate Warrior to the field ! Starve, for ought I care ! The more that starve, the less there will be to feed on the next crop !" " You are an unfeeling brute !" sobbed the woman. " Madame," I replied, drawing myself up to my full height, and smiting my breast with great dignity ; " madame, if my position does not protect me from in- sult, my sex at least should be respected !" REGISTERED ENEMIES. 135 I tlien turned away with an air of justly offended pride, and turned my eyes upon the black ship, about to depart for the lovely shores of my native land. I expected to see countenances gleaming with joy and patriotic pride. " These true and devoted friends of the Confederacy," I said, " have filled the earth wdth their moans, to be allowed to come to us, when they knew they couldn't ; and now that they are at last al- lowed to come to our sweet land of cotton and inde- pendence, their faces will glow with unspeakable de- light i" Imagine my burning wrath, when instead of this, I saw a pack of the most dejected devils that my eyes ever rested upon. One was looking at his wife and children with streaming eyes, and asking in a low moan if it was too late to take the Oath of Allegiance. " Too late !" replied a Yankee Demon. Then the Eegistered Enemy smote his forehead with his hand, and said he had made a damned fool of himself, to which the Yankee Demon nodded assent. " Beloved Confederates !" I said, addressing them from the shore ; " as the Children of Israel, represented in Madisonville by the Honest Jew, wandered for forty years in the "Wilderness, but at last found the happy land of Canaan, so have you, while twelve times the Moon hath filled her horn, borne with meek patience the unsufferable and loathsome bondage of the United States, sighing for the happiness of the Confederacy. But now the long night of your vassalage has been dis- pelled by the brilliant splendor of the rising Confederate Sun, and you are about to plant your Aveary feet in Madisonville, a land that flows with milk and honey, where the butchery of the Yankee Demons cannot dis- 13 (3 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. tiirb the quiet security of yeur throats, and where the Stars and Bars will stand between jou and all harm." Even this eloquence did not arouse their stupid souls, and I turned away in disgust, reluctantly concluding that the Registered Enemies were a lot of blockheads. I immediately started for Madisonville on my Con- federate Mule, in order to get there before the Regis- tered Enemies reported at my headquarters. MaGjpherson meets the Honest Jew. As I was going hurriedly home, I saw a man in the woods tucking rolls of paper into the trunk of a hollow tree. Approaching him stealthily, I was astonished to recognize in him my integrity-loving friend and Con- federate co-laborer, the Honest Jew. Wishing to give him a pleasant surprise, I caught him violently by the collar and planted my right foot stoutly against his shins, before he was aware of my presence. He jumped eight feet in the air, and struck the ground, looking pale as a corpse, exclaiming with fero- cious earnestness : " I no steal 'em ! I pe berfectly mnocent ! — berfectly innocent !" " My innocent and outraged friend !" I replied, " of course you are innocent. Who accused you of stealing ?" " Gott im Himmel !" shouted the Honest Jew ; " I taut you pe vun tam tief and robber. I now know you pe mine tear Sheneral." We then clasped each other in a tender, loving embrace, until our bosoms were bathed in tears of mutual love. " A pleasant surprise, my dear," I said. THE HONEST JEW FINANCIEEING. 137 " Oil, yah, villi, selir tarn bleasant siirbrise," lie an- swered. " What have you here ?" I asked, approaching the tree. " E'oting, noting at all," he answered. " Then there can be no harm if I look at nothing," I answered, and then proceeded to examine the tree, when I discovered several very large rolls of Confed- erate treasury notes. " Sweet disciple of Moses," I said, " whence and for whom this vast treasure ?" " Mine !" he cried, while a look of agony passed over his features. " Sir !" I said, " you are a swindler and thief! I am your superior officer, and I swear that unless you divide with me justly and fairly, I will hang you, and expose to the world your infamous crimes !" The Honest Jew then swore he always intended to divide with me, and that he hid the bills only as a means of security. I then asked him how he had man- aged to accumulate such vast wealth. " I sells the glothing and horses," he replied. I then learned that, after conscripting an army, the Honest Jew had drawn clothing and horses from the Govern- ment, and that he had sold the clothing to the soldiers and the horses to the highest bidder, and that the money in the tree was the fruit of this- scheme, alike creditable to his head and heart. " E'othing," I remarked, " but an equal distribution of the proceeds, could have reconciled me to this admi- rable trick. Come once more to my bosom !" " I make you very rich in five tays," said the Honest Jew. 138 THE MACPIIEKSON LETTERS. "How," I asked. " You vait for the Registered Enemies," lie answered. Arri\dng at Headquarters, I found that great numbers of Registered Enemies had arrived and were arriving from JSTew Orleans, and thereupon I immediately issued an order on the subject, as follows : Headquaetees, Depaetment of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., May 28th, 1863. General Order No. 3. Whereas, it has come to the knowledge of the Major-General commanding this Department, that certain and numerous persons, pretending to be Registered Enemies of the United States have arrived within the limits of his command from New Orleans, it is therefore ordered : That all the Registered Male Enemies of the United States coming to these shores, not over one hundred years of age, shall be immediately conscripted and enrolled as a part of the military force of this Department ; unless they shall pay over to the Chief Quartermaster the sum of one thousand dollars, iu which case they shall be exempt from the draft. By order of Majoe Geneeal James B. Macpiieeson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. The iirst Registered Enemy who reported himself at Headquarters was the Macedonian, who came with a smiling face, and, slapping me on the shoulder, said : " Our relations have been so pleasant heretofore, that I shall find in jour sweet society full compensation for the sacrifice I make in leaving my native land." But I put on a look of ofiended dignity, and inquired who it was that>presumed to make himself so familiar ! I then handed him a copy of the above order, and he turned pale as a ghost when he read it. However, he paid one thousand dollars to the Honest Jew. In all five hundred THE COMMUTED MEN CONSCEIPTED. 139 men paid their thousand dollars, wliicli made the hand- some sum of five hundred thousand dollars to be equally divided between the Honest Jew and myself. I then issued the following : Headqijartees, Depaetment of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., May 29th, 1863. General Order No. 4. So mach of G-eneral Order No. 3, as relates to the Exemption of Kegistered Enemies from tlie operation of the Conscript law on payment of one thousand dollars, is hereby rescinded ; and all Registered Enemies, without exception, will immediately report armed and equipped for military service, the same as though the said sum had never been paid. By order of Major General James B. Macpherson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. " By whajt code of justice is it," inquired the Mace- donian, " that, after taking our money on promise of exemption, you compel us to enter the service ? " "By the code of Confederate justice," I replied: " the same principle that is in force in Wew Orleans, which compels negro property-holders to j)ay taxes for the support of schools, and then forbids them to send their children to school ; and the same principle by which John C. Breckinridge, sitting in the Senate of the United States, and drawing his salary from the United States treasury, plotted and toiled for the down- fall of the Union, and the up-building of the Southern Confederacy." Settlement with the Honest Jew, At midnight, in my guarded tent, I summoned the Honest Jew to my presence, and told him we had 140 THE ilACPHERSON LETTERS. made a million dollars, aifd it was time to divide. I therefore ordered him to settle immediately, and to pay over to me one-half the profits, in accordance with the bargain fairly agreed to by both parties. " Show me your receii3ts," said the Jew ; " I can bay no monish mitout receipts to show I owe it !" " Loathsome and disgusting reptile ! " I exclaimed, " is it thus you trifle with pecuniary rights and eternal justice ? Is it thus you seek to subvert the principles of Confederate veracity, and uproot the very founda- tions of society ? Can you expect to rob the Confed- eracy and its loyal subjects with impunity, and not divide the profits with your Commanding General ! I will show you that it cannot be done. For half thy wealth, it is Macpherson's ; the other half comes to the general State which I represent, and so I'll take the whole." " Is"ay, take my life and all, j^ardon not that ;" re- plied the Honest Jew, " you take my house when you do take the prop that doth sustain my house ; you take my life when you do take the means whereby I live." " Bring hither the cash and abjure thy vile faith, and thou shalt live and have half," I said. " Yah," replied the Honest Jew, " I do that mit time. I goes now and pring you the monish." He then started ofi" to bring to my tent the treasure ; and I lay congratulating myself that I had made half a million dollars, and converted a Jew to the true faith. But hour after hour passed, and the Honest Jew did not return. Two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock, daylight, and no welcome Mosaic footstep came to cheer me in my waiting loneliness. THE HONEST JEW SKEDADDLES. 141 " Oh Honest Jew ! " I cried in my distress, "what evil hath befallen thee? Oh whither hast thou wan- dered? Did thy pions yonthfiil feet go astray iu the woods ? " I then hastened to the hollow tree, hoping at least to find the treasure, even if I could not once more clasp the Honest Jew to my bosom in a loving embrace. But imagine my grief, terror, rage, when I discovered that the vile villain had gobbled up all the money and skedaddled to distant and unknown j)laces, leaving me once more to groan and moan in honest poverty, the victim of loathsome and disgusting ras- cality. Yours eternally, James B. Macphekson. 142 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. CHAPTEE XYII. An Accoukt of the Death of James B. Macpherson, THE Great Confederate Philosopher, Warrior, Author, AND Southern Blower. Note. — The author determined to discontinue Macpherson's Let- ters, and knew of no better way than to kill him off. Accordingly the following obituary notice was prepared and published in The Era of June 7th. Hung be the heavens with black ! — yield day to night ! Comets, importing change of times and States, bran- dish your crystal tresses in the sky, and with them scourge the bad revolting stars, that have consented to Macpherson's death ! It becomes our painful duty to announce to the world the death of James B. Macpheeson, of Madi- sonville, Louisiana, Major General of Confederate Yol- unteers, invincible warrior and pugilist, Plato of the Confederacy, Archimedes of the New ]^ation. Author of the celebrated Confederate Arithmetic, Traveller through the Louisiana Lowlands Low, Father of twelve sons, Clergyman, and Southern Blower — the scintilla- tions of whose Ponderous Litellect have so long illu- minated the columns of The Era. The Mammoth Brain of our revered correspondent no longer works ; the Herculean Arm is no longer bared in the cause of the Confederacy he so faithfully and zealous- ly represented ; the tongue of persuasive eloquence has been silenced in the embrace of all-devouring Death ! He expired at his dilapitated hospitable MACPHEKSON DRINKING HEMLOCK. x4:S abode, in Madisonville, at the solemn hour of mid- night, last Monday, being the six hundred and sixtieth Olympiad and the third year thereof, and the year 3 of the Southern Confederacy. The cause of his death is melancholy beyond de- scription. He did not fall in battle, as was his ardent desire, at the head of his invincible legions, dealing death and destruction among vile Yankee foes ; but he fell a victim to his own hands. In a word, he com- mitted suicide. Calling his Idiotic Boy to his side, he exclaimed : " Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew ! or that the Everlasting had not fixed his canon 'gainst self-slaughter ! Now indeed I fear the avenging wrath of the offended gods of Olympus. But if I would reach the Elysian Fields, where dwells the soul of tlie great Achilles, I must die at once, like Socrates, the Philosopher, by drinking poisonous hemlock ! " Having announced his determination, his family and his staff in vain gathered around him with tears, striv- ing to win him from his fatal purpose. They pointed out to him the deadly stroke the Confederacy wonld suffer; the pallor with which Philosophy and Reli- gion would hear of his death ; the inconsolable tears of his wife and staff; the exultation of the Yankee De- mon, and the honest grief of The Era. But all in vain. " I love the Confederacy with intense and pas- sionate love," he answered, " but the will of the gods and the Yoice of Oracular Fate must be obeyed ! " He then ordered the hemlock to be brought to him in a five-gallon demijohn, and calmly entered upon the 144 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. business of preparation forliis journey across the St^'X, — or to quote from liis own beautiful words, for " the coming of that solemn hour, when neither worldly pomp, nor martial renown, nor yet the brave love of the Confederacy which j)ervades every impulse of my soul, and every throb of my heart, can stay my foot- steps in the last pilgrimage to the realms of Pluto." Mac^phersoTh's Will. He then took four drinks of the hemlock, and pro- ceeded to make his will, with all the calmness and dig- nity of Confederate greatness. " To my faithful and beloved wife," he said, " I give and bequeath my dilapidated hospitable abode, and all it contains ; to my Idiotic Boy, the mantle of Phi- losophy and the management of Confederate Policy ; t(> my staff, I give my sword and uniform, and it is my wish that after my death they shall contend for it in single combat, as Ulysses and Telamonian Ajax con- tended for the armor of divine Achilles; and to the combatants for the splendid prize, I say in the words of man-smiting Heenan, r/iay the test Tncrn win! "To the Noble Woman and the ladies of ISTew Orleans, I leave the task of fanning and keeping alive the fires of treason in the Yankee-oppressed Crescent City." Having made the above disposition of his worldly affairs, he took four drinks of the hemlock, and re- marked that the working of the Mammoth Brain would cease the moment the working of the fatal hemlock began. THE DEATH-BED SCENE. 145 "To the Unhappy Cuss," he said, "Heave the ar- ranerements for the funeraL I wish to be buried with military honors worthy of ni}^ rank and name. I wish to have my funeral modelled on that of Alexander the Great, a warrior whose fame was only surpassed by my own. In the third Section of the sixteenth Book of Eollin's History, you will find an account of the cer- emonies performed at the interment of the Conqueror of the World ; and I wish those performances to be carried out to the letter, over my own remains." At this stage of the solemn scene, there was a loud wail heard in the door, and looking around there was seen the Honest Jew, pale and haggard, and bathed with tears. He fell upon the floor, rolled over, threw himself upon the neck of the expiring Philosopher, tore his hair, and asked to be forgiven. " To err is human — to forgive divine !" answered the dying General. " Your arrival is most opportune, for the treasury is empty and the preparations for my funeral will involve an immense outlay. Promise to defray these expenses, and I will forgive you all." " I bromise," said the ITonest Jew ; and then the two great men, happily reconciled, embr^iced with touching affection. " It has been the great purpose of my life," said the expiring Warrior, " to re-establish in all its glory the worship of the Olympian gods ; for the pagan religion alone, w^ith such additions as I have made, is fitted to the demands of the Confederacy. But I am cut off by Fate in the midst of my labors, and I desire to be buried after the manner of the Greeks and Romans." Midnight at last cast the shadow of deepest gloom 116 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. • over the face of universal nature. The great Macpher- son had now nearly emptied the demijohn, and all felt conscious tliat the fatal hemlock must soon do its hor- rible work. Suddenly he gave a wild groan, and, rising in his couch, smote his breast and spake his last words, as follows : Last Words of MacjpJieTson. " The long day has passed," he exclaimed ; " the long night is come ! O Jupiter ! thou great father of gods and men, the most high and powerful among the immortals, w^hom all others obey ! avenge the wrongs of the Confederacy, and smite the Yankees with the bolts of thy thunder! Farewell, brave Staff! Carry out the policy which I have inaugurated, imitate my valor, and always buy your hats of Stapleton, 95 Canal-street." A cold sweat then stood upon his intellectual brow ; the eyes became fixed, the lips ceased to move, and James B. Macphekson, the great light of Confederate letters, the favorite of the ladies of ISTew Orleans, ceased to breathe the vital air. We have the authority of the Southern Source, a member of his staff, for saying that prodigies of na- ture attended the departure of the valorous chieftain to the realms of Pluto. He informs ns that cloud-com- pelling Jove, at the moment of dissolution, hurled a living bolt of thunder from Mount 01ym23us, which smashed the five-gallon demijohn, that had held the impious poison, into a thousand atoms, and tore the musquito bar worse than was torn that one which Mac- 147 pherson described in the great Temple of Wisdom at Brasliear City. Long and bitterly did liis staff and bis friends gaze upon bis serene countenance ; not even tbe pallor of deatb could erase tbe lineaments of tbougbt or bide tbe j^lii'eiioiogical developments of tbe Mammotb Brain. Tben tbe Honest Jew brougbt in a coffin of baked clay, and every tiling was prepared for tbe im- posing ceremonies of tbe interment, wbicb were per- formed with great pomp, and were an exact copy of those performed in honor of Alexander the Great, ex- cept that Macpherson's chariot was trimmed with brass instead of gold. Tbe following inscription, composed by Macpherson himself, was placed over his Tomb, at his own request : JACOBUS B. MACPHERSON. ILLUSTRISSIMUS, SCRIPTOR, POETA, MATHEMATICUS, FCEDERATUS, PR^DICATOR, MILES EXERCITATUS. JOVI, FILIUS TERTIUS, HERCULIS Kl BACCHI FRATER, FOEDERIS AUSTRALIS PLATO, ET PERIGRINATOR CELEBERRI- MUS. IMMATURA MORTE ABRIEPIEBATUR OLYMPIADIS SEXCENTESIM^ ET SEXCENGESIM^ ANNO TERTIO, ET FCEDERIS AUSTRALIS ANNO TERTIO. DEOS OLYMPIACOS ADORABAT, ET UT IN CAM- PIS ELY3IIS MANES ACHILLIS CONJUNGERET, E VITA CEDEBAT. Our task is accomplished ; our mournful duty is done. If the Southern Confederacy has lost its brightest or- nament, the Editor of The Eea has lost his most high- 14:8 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. falutin contributor. In conclusion, we have to ac- knowledge our indebtedness to the Idiotic Boy, and other members of General Macpherson's staff, for the particulars of his death. The great Philosopher and hero who has departed, has often reminded our readers that man is mortal, and that earthly greatness soon vanishes, like the dews in the sunshine of the unclouded heaven. Let each take the lesson home, remembering that even the Mammoth Brain of Macpherson had to succmnb to the power with which earth's greatest men have contended in vain. There is no fountain of per- petual youth, even in the Southern Confederacy, nor yet in Madison ville, a place which Macpherson assured us flows with milk and honey ! EESUSCITATION OF MACPHEKSON. 149 CHAPTER XYIII. The Resuscitation of Macpherson. — It is Discovered that HE WAS NOT Dead, only Dead Drunk. — His Method of Paying Debts. — He makes the Acquaintance of the Reliable Gentleman, etc., etc. Note. — During the siege of Port Hudson, New Orleans was daily fiUed with rumors of disasters to the army of General Banks, which were industriously circulated by the secessionists. Men apparently made it their principal business to lounge around the St. Charles Hotel, and to retail these unfounded reports. Every statement made by the " Reliable Gentleman" in his conversation with Macpherson, the author himself heard at different times in that building. The noise made by piling wood on the levee was, on one occasion, mistaken for the roar of artillery by some negroes ; and from this incident arose a report of a disastrous repulse of our army. Macpherson was re- suscitated in obedience to what appeared to be a very general demand on the part of the readers of The Era. The Registered Enemies who went from New Orleans to Mobile, carried most astounding news. On their statements one of the Mobile papers issued an extra announcing that New Orleans had been captured by the Confederates under Magruder, who immediately started for Forts Jackson and St. Philip with a force of fifteen thousand men. It may be proper, in this connection, to state that during the siege of Port Hudson, a for- midable force of Texans advanced into Western Louisiana, witli the intention of taking the fort at Donaldsonville (a village about eighty miles above New Orleans), cutting off the supplies of General Banks, seizing all the vessels that could be found, crossing the river and making a descent upon New Orleans. This force was variously esti- mated at ten thousand to eighteen thousand men. The plans of the rebels were frustrated by two serious defeats — one at Lafourche Crossing, and the other at Donaldsonville. The defense of the fort at the latter place was one of the most brilliant of the war. The garrison consisted of about a hundred and fifty men, under command of Major Bullen, and many of these were convalescents. The attack- ing force, under General Greene, consisted of an entire brigade. The gunboat Princess Royal, under Commander Wolsey, checked the ad- vance of tlie enemy. A desperate hand-to-hand fight occurred, the 150 THE MACPHEESON LP:TTEE?. enemy advancing to tlie parapet. * A hundred and twenty rebel pris- oners were actually captured by the garrison, inside tlie works. About a hundred of the enemy's dead were buried by our soldiers ; and the rebel loss in killed, wounded, and prisoners was about four times as large as the entire force defending the place. Our loss was inconsiderable. The fight at Lafourche Crossing was also a brilliant affair. There were, in fact, two engagements, in both of which the enemy was repulsed with severe los"s. Colonel Cahill and Colonel Stickney gained great credit in the successful defense of the place. General Emory was at that time in command of the defenses of New Orleans, and no officer could have performed his duties more vigilant- ly or faithfully. The capture of Brashear City, and the erection of rebel batteries on the river, threatened to sever all communication with General Banks's forces at Port Hudson, and New Orleans itself was menaced. The secessionists were in constant expectation of the ar- rival of a rebel army, for many days ; and the Union citizens, as well as the officers in command, were not certain their expectation would not be realised. General Shepley, Military Governor of the State, called upon the people to rally for the defense of their homes, and formed a brigade for sixty days' service. General Emory called for negro volun- teers, and two regiments were promptly raised. The author has deemed it proper to make these explanations, in order to show the reader what a fruitful field New Orleans presented, in those days, for " Reliable Gentlemen" and " Intelligent Contrabands." MADIS02s VrLLE, L.A, June 27th, 1863. Sie: — I died in the consoling faith that I was the Biggest Liar in the Southern Confederacy ; but after the arrival of the Registered Enemies in Alabanta, I found they were going so far ahead of me in that line, that I shoukl have to rise from my grave and vindicate my noble reputation by the invention of more sublime falsehoods than ever before graced my able produc- tions. In truth, the mendacious stories those unhappy exiles spread in the streets of Mobile actually made my bones rattle in their coffin ; and I came forth like that mythological giant whose name I have forgotten ; but who, smitten to the earth, always arose with renewed NOT DEAD — ONLY DEAD DRUNK. 161 streiigtli ; and I will now tell such astounding lies as shall cause the Yankees to howl and the Confederacy go mad in the ecstasies of bliss ! An account of my death and burial has been pub- lished, and a Latin inscription placed on my tomb, so ponderous and incomprehensible that all hope of resus- citation seemed to be at an end. It was given out that I had committed self-slaughter, by drinking poisonous hemlock from a five-gallon demijohn. But the truth is, I was not dead, but only dead drunk, and the hem- lock was only ordinary Louisiana Rnm. Alexander the Great drank the health of his friend Proteas in the Cup of Hercules, a Dutch Lager Beer arrangement, that held six bottles. Lie pledged his friend tlie second time in this enormous bumper, and immediately fell flat and died. Socrates, the greatest philosopher of the Greeks, as I am of the Confederates, took one swig of hemlock, and expired. In order to show myself superior to both of these, I drank the five gallons of Louisiana Rum, convinced that it is more fatal than the liquid consumed by Alexander, or the hemlock imbibed by Socrates. But I played dead to se6 what the newspapers would say about me, and what action wonid be taken by the Confederate Gov- ernment. ••? Much to my astonishment, the Yankee Eea w^as the only paper in 'New Orleans that paid any attention whatever to my death. The others had been profuse in their tears over Stonewall Jackson ; they had made themselves and their readers perfectly miserable over every two-penny Confederate hero who got killed or drank himself to death ; but when I, who had always 152 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. praised them — I, who had "been the champion of their creed, and lied on the same side — I, Macpherson, the great and shining light of the Confederacy, the Invin- cible Warrior and the most magnificent Blower the Confederate Sun ever shone upon in all his course — I say, when I, greater and wiser than all, was supposed to be dead and gone to my grave, they had not a tear to shed for me ; not a black column-rule with which to ex23ress an emotion of grief; not even a line among the editorial notices of auction sales and health-restoring patent pills, to announce the destruction of my noble mind, and the overthrow of the greatest Intellect tiiat the world has ever known. Then it was I found how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a cussed fool for a friend. Macpherson comes forth. Wednesday evening, June 17th, in the third year of Confederate Independence, was the anniversary of the Yankee battle of Bunker Hill, w^here the ragged American militia clinched boldly with the British Eegulars. The pale new moon presented the faintest possible crescent outline of beautiful silver, sinking into the boundless expanse of Western Louisiana, when I arose in all the habiliments with which the Honest Jew had clothed me, and proceeded to my D. H. A. (said initials being a classical abbreviation for my Dilapidated Hospitable Abode). As I entered that renowned mansion, more famous than the White House at Washington, or the Pewter Mug of ]^ew York, tlie Idiotic Boy fell flat on the NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. 153 floor, overcome with strange uneartlilj fear, and cried aloud : " Tell me wliy thy canonised bones, hearsed in death, have burst their cerements ; why the sepulchre wherein we saw thee quietly inurned, hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws to cast thee up again ! What may this mean, that thou, dread corse, again in complete steel, revisitest thus the glimpses of the moon, making night hideous ? " '^ Dry up ! " I replied, at the same time hitting him in the chops, and loudly demanding a drink of gin. Maep/ierson pays Ms Debts hy a General Order. I found a vast number of bills from all quarters, and claimants immediately besieged my dwelling, demand- ing instant payment. In the first place, there was the Confederate tailor, with a bill of $18,000 for my outfit as a Major General, who said his family was starving, and nothing but prompt liquidation would save them and him from famine. " Prompt liquidation is my rule," I replied, and immediately took four drinks. Then came the butcher with a similar bill for six months' supply of sole-leather steak ; then the grocer, the shoemaker, and so on to the end of the chapter. ^' Something must be done for these mudsills of soci- ety," I said. " It is one of the evils of our existence, that laboring men have to eat and wear clothes ; and were I to suggest improvements in the formation of the Universej I would arrange it that the mudsills who wait upon the Southern aristocracy, should grow fat on air, and look with contempt on base pecuniary 7* 154 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. means. I must at once pay these debts ; and the devil of it is, there isn't a dime in the treasury !" Then it was that light burst upon me from South Carolina, the great fountain of Southern Independence. Then it was that I remembered that on the 6th day of June, 1861, Governor Pickens paid all the debts of the South by a proclamation, declaring it to be treason for a Southerner to pay up in cash. Therefore I deter- mined to relieve my creditors, and pay all bills by a General Order ; and accordingly I issued the follow- ing: Headquaetees, Dep't of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., June 18th, 1863. General Order iVo. 6. Having come to life after consuming five gallons of Louisiana Rum, and Laving again assumed command of this Department, and liaving been pained at the sufferings of my deserving creditors, and annoyed by their impertinent supplications for payment, in order to relieve them and me by an ingenious Confederate device, it is hereby ordered and declared as follows: 1. It shall be regarded as treason for the Major General com- manding this Department, or any of his staff, to pay any tailors' bills, butchers' bills, grocers' bills, promissory notes, or debts of any description whatever. 2. Any person presenting a bill to the Major General command- ing this Department, or any member of his staff", or demanding payment for articles supplied, shall be guilty of misprision of trea- son, and shall be punished with death by hanging, and his estate and personal effects shall be confiscated to the personal use and possession of the Major General commanding this Department. By order of Majoe General James B. Macpheeson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. The Reliahle GenUeman, ■ The Unhappy Cuss and myself then started for ISTew Orleans, to get the latest intelligence. Arriving at the THE EELIAELE GENTLEMAN. 155 St. Charles Hotel, we put up for the night, when a man came np, and pnlling me to one side, asked what the news was from Madison\dlle. I replied that I had not the honor of his acquaintance, and that he would do better to mind his own business, and not exhibit any of his impertinence to a Major General of Confed- erate Yolunteers. Hereupon the fellow drew himself up with great dig- nity, until he looked quite tall, and said : "E. G. S. C. H." " I am familiar with every language," I replied, " known to articulate-speaking men, since the accident at the tower of Babel ; I understand all science and philosophy : I am, in fact, an Encyclopaedia of Useful Knowledge, revised and enlarged ; but I cannot, with all my learning, master those mystic symbols." "I am," said the offended fellow, "tlie Reliable Gentleman of the St. Charles Hotel !" " Come to my arms, sweet one !" I cried, clasping him to my heaving bosom in a loving embrace. " I regret that the Southern Source is not here to make your acquaintance ; for there is such a remarkable re- semblance in your personal appearance, impudent man- ners, and unblushing mendacity, that you might be mistaken for twins, or for one and the same person." The Reliable Gentleman bowed profoundly, and re- plied: "I am proud, General; you do me infinite honor. I am, so to speak, the Ears of the St. Charles ; for I hear every thing." " Judging from the enormous development of your acoustic organs," I replied, looking admiringly at his ears, " I am fully prepared to believe your statement." 15G THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. Again tlie Reliable Gentleman bowed bis pleasure. " I am," be continued, " tbe Repository of all informa- tion ; notbing occurs witbout my knowledge ; I am, sir, a Boiling Caldron, wberein are tbrown all scraps of information, to be cooked up into reliable intelli- gence ; and as tbe wit dies of Macbetb tbrew poisoned entrails, fillet of snake, tongue of dog, adder's fork, and lizard's leg into tbeir caldron, so does every Big Liar bm'l bis reliable information to me. I button-bole every man I see ; I pump bim imtil be tells all be knows and all be don't know ; and I spread tbe news around town, adding sucb suggestions as will please tbe person to wbom I speak." " Dear Caldron !" I replied, kissing bim fondly, " you are tbe man I bave long desired to find. Come now, sit down, and tell me all tbat bas bappened during tbe last four or five weeks." You sbould bave seen tbe dignity and pride wbicb tbea. sat entbroned upon tbe countenance of tbe Boil- ing Caldron and Repository, as be drew bimself up, apparently believing tbat be was an India Rubber Man, and could stretcb bimself out as tall as Honest Old Abe, if be but put bimself to it. I own I never saw Wisdom until I looked upon tbat majestic countenance. Retiring to tbe front of tbe Rotunda, and placing our feet bigber tban our beads, tbe Reliable Gentleman proceeded to give me tbe following additional par- ticulars : " During tbe period you mention," be said, impres- sively, " tbe bloodiest battle ever fougbt on tbis Conti- nent bas taken place at Port Hudson. Sbilob, Fort Donaldson, Malvern Hill, were as a drop compared THE RELIABLE GENTLEMAN. 15Y to the red ocean of blood wliicli there flooded tlie land." '' Which whipped ?" I inquired. " The advantage was decidedly with onr arms," he replied; "but the victory was on the side of the enemy." The Reliable Gentleman was about to proceed with his narrative, when he suddenly espied an Intelligent Contraband on the opposite side of the street. Quicker than Olympian lightning he darted off, seized him by the button-hole, and showered upon him a series of questions in such rapid succession, that the Intelligent Contraband was almost paralysed. " Dey's at it, massa !" said I. C. " At what ?" inquired E. C. " Fightin' up dar !" was the reply ; " I'se hearn 'em !" Immediately the Keliable Gentleman rushed fran- tically through the streets, grabbing every man he met, and telling him that a bloody battle was in progress up the river ; that he had just seen a highly respectable gentleman direct from the battle-field, and that the slaughter was dreadful. Immediately the street corners were crowded by an excited populace, eagerly devour- ing the news, and repeating it with wild exaggerations. Soon the Intelligent Contraband approached me, and said : " Dar's a mistake, massa. Dat ar fightin' noise was dem niggers on the levee, pilin' up wood !" The Reliable Gentleman then returned, and resumed the history of events. " A negro regiment went in a thousand strong," he said, " and seven hundred of them fell dead on the first fire. The slaughter was terrible. One was caught and hung, and three escaped lame for 158 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. life. Tliirty-iive Federal Generals were killed on the spot. Tlie slaughter was awful. Federal loss in two hours, seventeen thousand five hundred and two. Meantime, General Johnston concentrated a force of ninety-seven thousand in General Banks's rear, ready and willing to tear him in pieces. General Banks and stafl* were cap- tured, and Colonel Grierson, with his whole command. The slau2:hter was frio^htful. General Breckinridsre next made his appearance in General Banks's rear, with an im- mense force, and just before he arrived at Jackson, sent a nigger to General Banks, to let him know that he was in his rear. On the od of June, General Banks raised the siege, and, with his whole command, retreated to Baton Rouge, which place was subsequently captured by the enemy. The slaughter was appalling. Kirby Smith then crossed the river at Bayou Sara, moved towards Port Hudson, and got into General Banks's rear, with an immense force, sufficient to crush him, while Sibley, just returned from a flying visit to Texas, hung upon his flanks with a tremendous force. The slaughter was unparalleled. General Taylor, about this time, got in General Banks's rear. A portion of General Banks's forces were then sent to Yicksburg to reinforce General Grant. About this time a detachment of General Grant's army was sent to the aid of General Banks, from Yicksburg. The slaughter was tremendous !" Here the Reliable Gentleman put on a look of such awful wisdom and solemnity that I thought I should die. If my Idiotic Boy knew twice as much as that man, I'd make him Grand Blow-Master of the Con- federacy. He then looked aromid with his fingers on his lips, indicative of profound secresy, and making sure THE RELIABLE GENTLEMAN. 159 that no one could overliear him, made the following confidential commnnication : " Every human being in Western Louisiana, white and black, old and young, has been put to death ! Every house, barn, shed, outhouse, tree, stump, shrub, cotton-bale, and combustible sub- stance of every name and sex, was burned by the torch of the incendiary ! The country is dejDopulated ; the human race in that part is extinct, and the inhabitants are suffering all the torments of famine !" Having delivered this crushing and reliable announce- ment, he started for the Bar-Room in great haste, and I left instantly for Madisonville, satisfied that the ser- vices of the Great Confederate Blower were not re- quired in New Orleans. Yours, sufficiently, James B. Macpheeson. 160 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. CHAPTEE XIX. Macpherson encounters the Cussed Fool oe Carondelet- STREET. — Betting on Yicksburo and Port Hudson. — Fourth of July Celebration at Madisonville, etc., etc. Note. — The Union citizens of New Orleans will not soon forget the unbounded joy inspired by the news of the capture of Vicksburg and Port Hudson. The rebels stoutly refused to believe that either place had fallen, and pronounced both reports " Yankee lies." They talked loudly, and offered to bet against odds ; but it was found that when brought to the test, they generally " backed out." Madisonville, La., July 18th, 1863. SiE : — As I was sitting in Jacobs's Picture Gallery, undergoing Photography, I chanced to cast my eyes upon the sidewalk, and there I saw a Cussed Fool, whom I knew at once w^as a good Confederate. There- fore la-iished out, without waiting to bid my friend good-day, or to pay my bill, and clasping him warmly by the hand, asked him w^hat he was driving at. " Betting," he replied. " What are you betting on ?" I asked him. " On Yicksburg," replied the Cussed Fool. " What's the matter with Yicksburg ?" I asked. " E'othing," he answered ; " and that's what's the matter with me. Come to my place in Carondelet- street, and I will show you something that will make your Confederate eyes gleam with joy." Walking to his place I was delighted to find that he was none of your poor white trash, but an out-and-out VICKSBURG NOT TAKEN BY GRANT. 161 Southern aristocrat. We took four drinks of wine, and I told him it was very choice, but that for an honest, steady drink, Louisiana Rum could not be beaten. " ]^ow then," said he, " I am going to prove to you by the Confederate Arithmetic that Yicksburg is not taken, and that the dispatch published by the Yankee editor of The Era was a foul and infamous invention — a lie made out of whole cloth, for a bad purpose, which, it is sup- posed, was to affect the price of sugar and molasses, etc." " Proceed," I said, " for I am author of the Arithme- tic of which you speak." " In the first place," said he, " Yicksburg is impreg- nable. It is a Gibraltar, as I can prove to you by all the Southern papers that have published any thing on the subject." He then took down a file of Southern papers and pointed out eight thousand places in which Yicksburg was called " Gibraltar," and declared to be " impregnable." " ISTow," he continued, " the combined forces of France and Spain were imable to reduce Gib- raltar, and a place that is impregnable cannot be taken, according to my views. But when we come to analyse the question we find that the intrenchments of Yicks- burg are equal to twenty thousand men by the usual estimate, and this multiplied by fifty, according to Con- federate mathematics, would make the works equal to one million of men. One Confederate is equal to five Yankees, and this would bring it up to five millions of men. Then we will take the garrison, which amounts to forty thousand. This sum multiplied by fifty gives us a garrison of two millions, each of whom is equal to ^yg Yankees, and so, in fact, the garrison is ten millions strong. The garrison and the intrenchments together 162 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. tliiis give US fifteen million* brave Sontliern patriots, all armed and ready to fight with desperate valor for Con- federate independence. That nearly eqnals the entire population of the free States, and if they cannot hold ont against Grant's army, then I will sell out and go to France." " You satisfy me," I replied, '' I am sure that Yicks- burg is not taken !" "I'll bet ten thousand dollars on it!" passionately cried the Cussed Fool. Just then a Yankee came up, and said: "Pll take that bet !" " What !" cried the Cussed Fool, in amazement. " I'll take the bet," he repeated, and at the same time put down ten one thousand dollar greenbacks. A smile of wonder passed over the face of the Cussed Fool, as he surveyed the Yankee from head to foot, as though he had been a curiosity in Barnum's Museum. Understanding his meaning, I proceeded to explain : " You Damned Yankee," I said, " you do not under- stand the principles of well-regulated Southern families. When a man says he will bet on the Confederacy or that Yicksburg is not taken, do you suppose he means it ? 'Not a bit of it ! It is an ordinance with the great doctrine of Blowing ; a doctrine which I preached in the Temple of Confederate Holiness in Camp street, and which is faithfully followed by every secessionist in I^ew Orleans." " That's true," said the Cussed Fool of Carondelet- street. " I'll not bet a dime ; put up your money ! But I know a man who will bet ten thousand dollars to one thousand that Yicksburg is not taken." PORT HUDSON NOT CAPTUEED. 163 " Sliow him to me," said the Damned Yankee. We then walked down to Hawkins's, and there we found him. His face was red and swollen with blow- ing, and immediately I recognized him as the Great Sonthern Snorter. He Tinew it was a lie — he had seen a paper of a later date, and Yicksbnrg held out and was impregnable. He was ready to bet ten to one, nj) to any amount, that the Yankee dispatch was a lie. " Up to what amount, sir ?" inquired the Yankee. " Up to any amount you please !" cried he, at the same time sending out a peculi«.r blowing sound from his nostrils. " Say ten thousand," replied the Yankee. " Say any thing you please !" cried the Great Southern Snorter. " I say, then," replied the Yankee, " that I'll bet you ten thousand dollars against five thousand that Yicks- bnrg has been taken by General Grant !" " You must excuse me," said the great Southern Snorter, " I just remember that I have an imperative engagement. I have no time to talk with you, and, besides, if I should bet, most likely I would get ar- rested." The great Southern Snorter then walked ofi with a sad look, and all the Yankees laughed. Just then a fiendish newsboy came up, and thrusting papers in our faces, cried out : " Here's your Extra 'EnA.—Fall of Port Hudson r " Its another Yankee lie !" cried the Cussed Fool ; " I'll bet ten thousand it is a lie ! I can prove that Port Hudson is impregnable and the Gibraltar of the Lower Mississippi 1" He then ran the sum over on the ends of his fingers, as a devout Catholic would count the 164 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. beads, and I was pleased to see that lie had the whole Confederate Arithmetic at his tongue's end. " Garrison, 10,000 by 50 is 500,000, by 5 is 2,500,000. Fortifica- tions, ditto is ditto; total number of Confederates, 6,000,000 ! The whole Yankee army could not contend with one-tenth part of that number, and I hnow that Port Hudson is not taken !" How the Rebellion saved Property. We then walked off,- arm-in-arm, the Cussed Fool in a most thoughtful abstracted mood. " Fool," I said, " you are one of the best Confed- erates I have seen, and I now wish to ask what you and the rest of the Confederates got up this rebellion for V " To save om- property," he replied. Just then we observed a red auction flag in front of a most beautiful residence, and halting at the door, we discovered Tyler in all his glory, selling the furniture and every thing else at auction. "This," said the Cussed Fool, " is a sale by order of the Quartermaster ; the house and furniture were confiscated and sold by the United States, because the former owner was in the Confederate army. JS'ow see his splendid furniture, his mirrors framed with massive gold, his statuary of Carrara marble, his pianos, his library, all and every thing put up for sale by Yankees, and bid off by Yan- kee purchasers, and the fruits thereof going into the treasury of the United States, a government that every Confederate despises." " Where are his niggers ?" I asked. " Niggers !" shouted the Cussed Fool, while a flash FOUETH OF JFLY OEATION. 165 ing glow of pain overspread his fine face ; " echo answers, Where? They have skedaddled, and refuse to return. They have enhsted or found employment elsewhere, and the proprietor thereof may say, in the words of the poet : ' Never again shall I behold thee !' " " And this is the way you saved his property by the rebellion !" I remarked. " Macpherson," said the Cussed Fool, " if the South- ern Confederacy should bust np, I'm going to France." " Go it," I replied, and whistled the new Confederate air of ^'Lee in Pennsylvania,^'^ July Uh — Magruder in New Orleans. On the 4rth of Jnly, the people of Madisonville as- sembled in a vast multitude aronnd my residence, and demanded an oration. The Idiotic Boy read the Con- federate Declaration of Independence, which, for want of a table, he rested npon the head of a nigger. I then mounted a soap-barrel, and proceeded to expatiate on the beauties of Southern Independence. " It is eighty-seven years ago to-day," I said, " that George Washington and John B. Floyd laid the foundations of the Southern Confederacy, by proclaiming to the na- tions of the civilised world the eternal and heaven- ordained doctrine of secession. But it took Jeflf. Davis and the Miles Legion to complete the noble work ; and it was not until the year 1861 that Truth, robed in light gray, and bearing a Palmetto tree in her hand, stepped forth from the shores of South Carolina, and clasping Jeff. Davis and A. H. Stephens in her arms, 166 THE MAOPHEKSON LETTERS. carried them to Richmond*, there to found a dynasty more permanent than that of Denmark Yesey or Gov. Dorr, of Ehode Island." During the inspiring ceremonies of this great cele- bration, the Buzz Saw Division paraded under arms, and the Honest Jew peddled jewelry among the crowd. I then had the following General Order read aloud, and the vast assembly dispersed to their respectable abodes : Headqtjaetees, Department of Madisonvill , Madisonville, La., Julj 4:th, 1863. General Order No. T. 1. The General Commanding felicitates the people of his De- partment on the recent brilliant Confederate Victories at Port Hudson and Vicksburg, and also in Pennsylvania and Tennessee. The splendid valor of our troops has demonstrated to the world that an impregnable Gibraltar cannot be taken, and that an in- vincible warrior cannot whipped. 2. General Magruder, having captm-ed the city of New Orleans and Forts Jackson and St. Philip, will immediately report to me for duty at these headquarters. 3. The city of New Orleans and vicinity are hereby annexed to the Department of Madisonville. By order of Major General James B. Maopheesont: The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. The Pliilosojpliy of Honesty, Before leaving the Cussed Fool, I asked him to de- fine Honesty, and he replied that it consisted of form- ing an opinion and sticking to it through thick and thin, in spite of facts or arguments. " The man," said he, " wdio lives up to his faith at the greatest sacrifice of comfort, money, and common sense, is the most honest man. Tell me who you think he is." THE PHILOSOPHY OF HONESTY. 167 I replied as follows : " I agree with your definition, and in my opinion Brigliam Young is the most honest and self-sacrificing man on this Continent. He be- lieves in Bigamy, and lives up to his creed by main- taining forty wives, thus depriving him of every earthly comfort to illustrate the great principle of his creed ! " Yours, heroically, James B. Macphekson. 168 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. • CHAPTEK XX. The Phantom Confederate; or, the Ghost of Madison- VILLE. (A True Story.) Madisonttlle, La., August 1, 1863. Sir: — It w{is in tlie full of the Moon, in the month called Julius by the Romans, and anno tertio de la Southern Confederacy, at the very witching hour of night, when churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes forth contagion to the world, that I might have been seen seated on a cypress stump, in the midst of a blasted heath, near the classical city of Madisonville, C. S. A., with a roll of plug tobacco in my hand, (a present from Gov. Lubbock, of Texas), and a Confederate can- teen of Louisiana Rum by my side. Thus sitting did I meditate upon that beautiful scene described by Yir- gil, in which ^neas, with his Trojan followers, as ragged and dirty as a Confederate army, was visited by Yenus, his good-looking mother, who came in the form of a huntress, with a commodious bow hanging from her white shoulders. O Dea cei^e ! cried the pious JEneas ; which, being translated into the Con- federate tongue, means : goddess for certain ! " Why," thought I, " if goddesses for certain, gods, apparitions, ghosts, hobgoblins, phantoms, and spec- tres visited the great warriors and philosophers of ancient days, why may they not also visit me, who THE niANTOM CONFKDERACY. 169 snrj^ass all mortals both in the invincible strength of my arm, and the magnificent gifts of intellect ?" Scarcely had this sublime thonght turned itself over in my mind, when I heard a low sound floating upon the air, in tones as gentle as the JEolian Harp, and immediately I recognised it as a spiritual Con- federate snort. " Deus Oonfcederatus^ certe /" I exclaimed, " be thou a spirit of health or a Yankee damned ; bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from Boston ; be thy intents wricked or charitable, thou comest in such questionable shape that I w^ill speak to thee ! I'll call thee — Macpherson, Confederate Royal Blower!" " I am,'' responded the as yet Unseen, " the Phan- tom Confederate^ or the Ghost of Ifadisonville, doomed for a certain space to walk the night, and by day con- fined to fast on mule's meat, until the surrender of the garrison shall ensure us Yankee rations ! List, list, Oh list ! — if ever thou didst thy dear Confederate love — " Macpherson — " Oh heaven ! " Phantom Confederate — "Then give me thy can- teen ; for now am I consumed by devouring thirst ! " Jlf«(?.— "Thirst?" P. C. — "Ay, thirst most dry, as in the best it is ; but this most dry, queer, and unnatural !" Ifac. — " Haste me to know it, that I, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, may swoop to my revenge ! " I then seized the canteen in a glow of generosity, placed the muzzle to my lips, and drank the contents at a single gulp, after wliich I gave him my canteen as he had requested. " Behold ! " I said to him, " the 8 170 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. generosity of a true Confederate. Thus did the Louis- iana Secesh Convention of 1861 gobble up the Custom- house, Mint, light-liouses, arsenal, and revenue cutters of the United States, while Honest Old Abe stood looking on, greedily begrudging the same ! Approach, dread corse ! that I may gaze upon thee ! Is it not enough that the whole Yankee race should be leagued together against me, that spirits must be summoned from the vasty deep, to disturb the repose of the great Confederate warrior ?" The ghost then approached, and, turning my eyes upon him, I beheld a being of majestic mien, dressed in a gray uniform, with a cadaverous countenance, and very dirty. His garments were tattered and torn in such a manner that whenever he stepped, the legs of his breeches released his limbs to the gaze of the mid- night Moon. " Wherefore," I asked, " presumest thou, thus ragged, to come into the presence of a Major General of Con- federate Yolnnteers ?" "Because," replied the ghost, "I haven't got any other clothes. I am the representative phantom of the Southern Confederacy. I was born in South Carolina, and have relatives in eleven States, besides 'New York city and Yallandigham's district." He then showed me a neck-tie with eleven stars in it, emblematic of the Bonnie Blue Flag, and wrought by the ladies of New Orleans. As he was showing this to me, he smote his head with pain, raised his eyes upwards and exclaimed. " Oh !" " What's the row, sweety ?" I enquired. " That," replied he, " is occasioned by a contraction FAREWELL TO THE CKESCENT CITY. 171 of .the Federal lines ; I feel it squeezing the brains out of their natural channels." "Fear not," I answered, "you have not brains enough to suifer serious damage." Suddenly the Phantom began to dance with the wildest joy, while his whole ghastly face became lighted up with enthusiastic bliss. " Tell me," I said, " the cause of this sudden revulsion of feeling, which seems to have lifted you from the lowest sub-basement of Despair to the highest attic of Delight ?" "A great victory in Pennsylvania!" he replied. " The field of Gettysburg fills me with unspeakable happiness !" As he spoke, however, I noticed that one of his eyes had been gouged out, and one side of his face complete- ly smashed in, while a stream of blood was coursing to the earth. I inquired the meaning of this, and he re- plied it was the result of casualties at Gettysburg. " ISTo great victory," he said, " is ever won without ap- palling sacrifices of life and limb ; but Lee has succeed- ed in getting out of Pennsylvania, with a loss of only forty-five thousand men !" "Is that all?" I asked.' " Every bit, sure as you live, Macpherson !" cried the Confederate Ghost ; and, jumping up, I began to whistle the air of '' Molly ^ put the Ttettle on^^ and then, seizing each other's hands, w^e danced a compound double-shuffle for thirty minutes, in honor of Gettys- burg. This magnificent exhibition w^as interrupted by twinges of excruciating pain, which caused the Ghost to writhe and swear like a man with the gout. " What now ?" I enquired. 172 THE :macpherson letters. " That disease," he answered, " is known in the Con- federacy as ''Roseorans in the Legs? Whenever a Ci>n- federate General gets that disorder, he starts off at a double-qnick, and cannot stop nntil he falls, out of wind. I've got the disease !" he cried, with a tone of terror. " I caught it in Tennessee and Pennsylvania. Corse those malarious Yankee dens of death and per- dition!" And so exclaiming, the Ghost started off, and ran so smartly that even I, fleet of limb as I am, could scarcely keep up. Over the blasted heath, through the silent streets of Madisonville, down the lane, and around the dilapidated hospitable abode, » ran the fleet-footed Ghost, with Macpherson at his heels. The Idiotic Boy jumped out of bed, and joined in the chase, without w^aiting to dress. In vain did we try to tree him — in vain to intercept him ! To run, run, run, now and forever, seemed to be the strong passion that possessed his Soul, and bound his body obedient to the Will. " Tullahoma !" he cried, as he leaped a wide ditch. " Chattanooga !" he screamed, as he jumped a fence, and fell on the other side, exhausted and appar- ently defunct. Raising him to his feet, I rubbed his head with a shoe brush until the left eye opened, his lips quivered, and he faintly whispered in my ear the w^ord "Bragg-adocioT" A Strange Phenomenon. ISTow it was that a most extraordinary phenomenon presented itself to my eyes. The Ghost, starting up, suddenly leaj)ed in the air like a bullet-pierced Indian, and fell to the earth in two pieces. Upon examination, EXTEAOKDINARY niENOMENON. 173 I discovered that he had been clean split in two length- wise, as even and slick as though an immense razor, dropped with the accuracy of a guillotine and the power of Hercules, had severed him in twain. It ex- tended to the top of the cranium. One piece was, in short, the right half of a human body, and the other the left half. It now became doubtful whether conscious- ness would ever return; but return it did, and each separate part began to talk on its own hook, the left part saying his name was J. Davis, and the right that his name was Magruder Lubbock. The conversation of the t^vo was so incoherent and contradictory, it was evident neither side knew what the other was about, and both bled so copiously that I was in constant fear of instantaneous dissolution. I asked J. Davis to give me the name of this extraordinary disease, and he re- plied that it was called " Ojpen Mississippi Rimr^^ in the Confederacy. "When a man gets this disorder," he continued, " his case is incurable ; there is no possi- bility of ever again uniting his disjointed parts. I caught it at Yicksburg and Port Hudson, and there is no medicine in the world that can do me good !" Yisit to Neio Orleans, The Idiotic Boy and myself tore up a Confederate blanket, and with the pieces tied together the two parts the best w^e could, and all three of us started for ^ew Orleans in a butcher's cart. As if wonders would never cease, when we arrived in front of the St. Charles Hotel, I found that half of the Ghost had disappeared. On enquiring of the remaining half what had become 174 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEES. of his fellow, lie replied that on drawing up before tlie Hotel, the right eje had espied General Weitzel stand- ing on the steps, and had immediately left for Texas, procuring a new crutch at Brashear City. Curiously did I watch the movements of the remain- ing half of the Phantom Confederate. He strayed leis- urely down to the Clay Monument, and informed the crowd that foreign intervention was now a fixed fact, and that a French fleet was about to be sent to J^ew Orleans, in obedience to the petition of our French cit- izens to the Emperor, through their consul here, to be protected against a negro insurrection that broke out in this city on the Fourth of July, and has been raging with terrible fury ever since. Having made all his friends in that neighborhood happy, by this announce- ment, he then w^alked up to Carondelet-street and visit- ed the Cussed Fool, who read Yallandigham's second letter aloud from the balcony, to an admiring audience. At this stage of the proceedings an Extra Eea an- nounced the total sujDpression of the great Confederate Eevolution in 'New York city, whereupon the Phan- tom put on a look of dismay, and disappeared through the back door, in a sudden and unaccountable manner. I have not seen him since. Let no one question the literal truth of my ghost story. I give the world the untarnished honor of a Confederate soldier and a chivalric Southern gentleman, that every word I have written is exact, literal truth. Yours, intermittently, James B. Macpherson. 1Y5 CHAPTER XXL Macpherson is Arrested for Assault and Battery. — He Expounds the Law of Responsibility. — He visits Port Hudson and Vicksburg. — He tests tiik Homceopathic Principle, and is Chased by the Devil, etc., etc. Note. — The Autlior takes tlie liberty of introducing an extract from a very complimentary introduction to the main portion of the following letter from the Indianapolis Journal, as explanatory of its spirit. " The responsibility of the ' Abolitionist ' for the beating Mac- pherson gave the ' nigger,' is exactly that which the Copperheads fasten upon the people of the North for the Southern rebellion. ' If you had only done what the South wanted,' they say, ' there would have been no war. Why didn't you get down on your knees and lick the dust, and take your kicking kindly, as we did, and wanted you to do? If you had, this unnatural and unconstitutional war would never have happened. You are responsible for it. The blood is all on your skirts, you mean, cowardly whelps.' Macpherson epitomizes the speech of Judge Perkins before the K. G. C.'s last winter ' to a dot.' The judge, himself, could not state its main point and spirit better." Madisonville, La.. August 22d, 1863. Sir : — As I was going along Pampart street, in E^ew Orleans, last Wednesday, I met a nigger on one side of tlie street and an Abolitionist on the other. " Abo.," I said, " yon go over and pull that nigger's wool." "What for Tasked Abo. " Because I tell you to," I replied. " It wouldn't be right," replied Abo. ; " the boy has done me no harm, and I shan't pull his wool." "If you don't do it," I replied, " I'll knock him down and pound him within an inch of his life." 1Y6 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. " I shart^t do it," said ABo. ; " and I would like to know wkat he has done to yon." " N'othing," I replied, " but he's a nigger, and that's enough. If you'll pull his wool I'll let him off. But you won't, and if I whip him to death, you'll be re- sponsible for it, you vile inhuman, Abolition renegade ! Where's your humanity for the nigger ? Where's your philanthropy ? Where's your regard for human rights and liberties ? The owner and overseer are the only true friends of the nigger ! I implore you to save him from the awful mauling I'll give him ; but you won't, you infernal, hypocritical, sneaking, puritanical, drawling, damned Massachusetts, Boston, round-head Yankee Abolition fool !" Saying which, with a stream of fire flashing from both eyes, I rushed upon the darkey with the ferocity of a tiger, knocked him flat on his back, kicked his face into a jelly, and whipped him with a raw-hide until he wasn't able to stand on his feet, and a stream of blood ran from every vein in his body. "What's you gone an' done, massa?" said the un- happy wretch, when I let up on him. "I, you black numbskull!" I answered ; "/didn't do it : it was that sneaking Abolition nigger-thief that did it. I am your best friend and protector !" A policeman came up and arrested me for assault and battery. I was arraigned at the bar as a crimi- nal, and made the following address to the Court : Maopherson' s eloquent Plea in Defense. " May it please the Court : I do not suppose any thing I can say will alter your predetermined decision, or DEFENSE FOR BEATING THE NIGGER. 177 your fixed resolution to offer me np as a sacrifice to Abolition fanaticism. As Socrates stood up to be tried bj a pack of heathen numbskulls, so do I stand up in the presence of Yankee nincompoops, who no more comprehend and understand the rules and regulations of Confederate Courts of Justice, than Jefi". Davis com- prehends the meaning of his own proclamations. And as Socrates fell a prey to the lubberheadedness of the popular Athenian tribunal, so shall I fail, with all my learning, to prevent this besotted Court from commit- ting Scandalum Magnatum — an offense against Con- federate prelates and dignitaries, which, under the old statutes of England, was no offense when committed against common folks, but a crime when done to big men like me. l^evertheless, if the truth can permeate your bestial intellects, allow me to call your attention to the law of this case. In the first place, I take the ground that the authority of Governor Moore and the Louisiana Legislature (which at last accounts was in session behind the Rocky Mountains), is in force in this city, and that the Black Code of Louisiana is binding upon Yankees who come into the Department of the Gulf. I also plead the usages and customs of the Con- federates in justification of my conduct ; and this brings me to a logical analysis of the case. The wit- nesses against me are two — a nigger and an Abolition- ist. Under the Black Code of Louisiana, a slave's testimony cannot be taken in a Court of Justice, and under the former precedents and usages of this great Confederate Commonwealth, an Abolitionist should be hung without trial. Therefore, the nigger's evidence is no evidence at all, and the Abolitionist has no busi- 178 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. ness here ; be had better go iTorth and sing psalms, and not venture into my Department, for if be does I'll bans' him hiofber than Haman or John Brown. I there- fore ask the Court to discharge me, send the nigger back to Confederate slavery, and hang the Aboli- tionist." The Court didn't see it, and so I continued my thrill- ing discourse: " In the second place, the Abolition Cuss is responsi- ble fur the pounding of the darkey ; since, had he pulled his wool as I requested- him to do, I should not have touched the black brute. But Horace Greeley is the author of this war, and Wendell Phillips got up the late riots in 'New York, as I can prove to you by an editorial in one of the New Orleans papers : and what can you expect of an Abolitionist any how ? They alone are responsible for the war and for slavery, and therefore I ought to be discharged^" In spite 'of this irresistible logic, which should have secured my instant release, the Court declined to let me off, and was about to pronounce sentence, when I jumped out of the second-story window, and made off for Madisonville so fast that the whole Department of the Gulf couldn't catch me. Macpherson visits Port S%idson and Yicksburg, I went up to Port Hudson and Yicksburg on the steamer Crescent, with a whole load of Yankee generals, colonels, congressmen, lawyers, and editors, and shed tears of inconsolable grief as I gazed upon the deserted Confederate rat-holes behind the parapets of Port Hud- APPARITION OF THE DEVIL. 179 son, where we stopped to look at the works. 'Not believing that the place had been taken, I enquired for the headquarters of General Gardner, and was direct- ed to an old house that had many holes through the roof, and the balcony clean knocked off by Yankee shells. " Is General Gardner in V I enquired of a sentinel. " Yes," was the reply, " he is in jail." I knew then that Port Hudson was taken, and so telegraphed to the Cussed Fool of Carondelet street. I regret to add that my observations at Yicksburg were equally unsatisfactory. Similia Similibus Curantur. Heart-sick and discouraged at the drooping condition of the Confederate cause on the Mississippi, I returned to Madisonville, and devoted myself wholly to drink- ing. Having swallowed one demijohn of Louisiana Rum, I became beastly drunk ; and then it was that the great principle of Hahnemann — " like cures like" — ^burst upon my mind. If it be true, I thought, that like cures like, then w^ill another demijohn of the same de- structive liquid restore my mind and body to their ac- customed activity. Accordingly I applied the remedy in doses larger than those which had produced the disease, and it resulted in a perfect cure. I got over being drunk, but in doing so I got the delirium tre- mens, which lasted me for tw^o weeks, and confined me to my room. That is the reason I have not written any letters recently. I never suspected that the Devil was a hod-carrier 180 THE MACPHEESON LETTEKS. until I was prostrated by this singular disorder ; but as soon as tbe thing was fairly on me, I saw him with a hod of bricks on the top of his head, grinning at me hideous- ly, and every now and then picking out a brick and pitching it at my head with unerring aim. I cut around the house because the De\dl was after me, but he was too fast, and hit me at every step. He was dressed in gray uniform, a good deal soiled and faded, and his shoes had burst out so that it showed his cloven foot. This performance continued at intervals for fourteen days, and whenever the Old Boy chased me around thq house, he hummed the following : DITTY, SUNG BY OLD SCRATCH AS HE CHASED MACPHER- SON WITH BRICKS. Dear Jeif. 's sick tliey say, But I mean lie shall stay On earth a wliile longer ; My cause will be stronger With his plotting you see ; So a while let him be ! Secession I like, It was a ten-strike ; My clerks are all busy — Writing names till they're dizzy 1 Yet awhile, it is plaimed, Jeff.'s card-house shall stand! I like men that lie So much faster than I Ever conld, I believe. E'en in dealing with Eve ! Yes, the Rebs are a wonder, They lie so like thunder ! I love New York rioters And slung-shot proprietors. Who'll burn an Asylum ; Not yet wiU I " spile" 'em ! THE devil's ditty. 181 I've suspended my orders To bring 'em into my borders ! The Copperhead faction Suits me just to a fraction, They follow Fernando And play to my hand so. And never pull triggers But in shooting poor niggers 1 And as for that standing sham, Mr. Vallandigham, And New York Judge McCunn, There never was better one ; They preach habeas corj)us And blow like a porpoise ! Yet a while let 'em hobble, But soon will I gobble The whole, as guerillas Seize chickens or fillies, With greater momentum ■ Than grape could have sent 'em ! Wlien lie finished up tlie performance of this dittj, he disappeared, and I arose clothed and in my right mind. Yours, occasionally, J. Btjchana]^^ Macpheeson. 182 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEES. CHAPTEE XXII. Macpherson is seized with the Newspaper Mania, and de- termines TO BECOME AN EdITOR. He DISSOLVES THE ArMY OF MaDISONVILLK, ETC., ETC. Note. — At the time tliis letter was published, a great number of newspaper schemes were on foot in New Orleans. No less than three new dailies were in contemplation, beside one Avhich had actually been started. :MADISONYILIiE, LA., Oct. 9, 1863. See : — RetTirning from the Convention of General Magruder and the kicked-ont Governors, recently held in Texas, I stopped in New Orleans on mj return. But I soon discovered that a malignant and destructive con- tagion had broken out in that city, which, in its devas- tating ravages, spared neither age, sex, color, nor condi- tion. From the high in position down to the lowest son of a gun, it took all, sparing none in its onward and mii-aculous progress. As the hot and noxious simoom sweeps over the burning sand, while a thick sulphm-ous exlialation rises from the earth, first in hurried gyra- tions, and then ascends the air and covers the whole heavens — while hissing and crackling noises are heard, and animal life perishes as though touched by Greek fire, even so had this pestilent epidemic seized with an unyielding grasp every one who ventured within the circle of its magic influence. The millionaire was taken in the midst of luxury and splendor ; the lawyer in his office ; the literati in garrets ; fair women fell its vie- A MALIGNANT CONTAGION. 183 tims ; even a Confederate, fresli from Fort Jackson, was stricken before lie had been three days from prison. My first impulse was to skedaddle, as unceremoni- ously as the Reliable Gentleman of the St. Charles Hotel did, when he heard there was a case of yellow fever in town. But learning that the disease seldom proved fatal, except to the pocket, I determined to take my chances, especially as I had no money, and was, in fact, a travelling object of charity. But I had not been in the city two hours before I w^as seized with a violent and uncontrollable desire to start a daily newspaper, or to get an interest in one already started. It came upon me like a flash of lightning hurled by the hand of Jupi- ter, when he darts the destructive bolts from the summit of divine Olympus ; and it worked upon my mind in a manner so violent that I soon fell sprawling on the floor, as flat as one of Sylvanus Cobb's novels. The crash of my fall hastily brought a friend to my side. " Great Heaven !" he exclaimed ; '' Macpherson has got the contagion ! A physician, quick ! for the love of Confederate intellect !" A distinguished physician soon appeared, felt of my bounding pulse, and began to question me as to the symptoms of the disorder. " This desire to start a newspaper," he began — " have you ever had it before ?" " Only in slight degree," I answered him. " For some time I have had it in my head to put the Idiotic Boy in editorial charge of a paper ; for the manner in which the press in 'New Orleans is conducted, has con- vinced me that he would be a bright and shining light among his cotemporaries. But that was as nothing compared to the desire which I now feel. A wild, IS J: THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. restless fatality, an irresistible purpose, consume me, as if one of Gillmore's batteries had been opened, sweeping Greek Fire through my bones." " There is no doubt as to what ails you," said the good Doctor, shaking his head gravely; "you have caught the prevailing distemper, known in medical parlance as the JS^ewspaper Mania ! " "Is there no remedy ! " I asked. " Only one that I know of," he answered. " And what might that be ? " I inquired. " To pay the bills of some newspaper establishment for a month," he replied, " receiving in return the re- ceipts of the concern, has, so far as my observation goes, proved an effectual remedy for all complaints of this nature." " Is the remedy severe ? " I asked. "Alas! yes," he answered; "none but millionaires can indulge in it ; and unless you have plenty of metal, your case is hopeless." I therefore hurried back to Madisonville, hoping that a change of climate and the quiet repose of my home, might restore my mental equilibrium ; or that, con- certing measures with the Honest Jew, I might gratify the terrible desire that now burned to the very mar- row of my bones. Imagine my horror, therefore, when on reaching my abode, I found that the very disorder from which I had hoped to escape, was raging with tenfold fury in Madisonville. The Idiotic Boy, first among the vic- tims, had already started a daily, and was astonishing the human race with the wisdom and genius of his leaders. Three secret prospectuses were in circulation THE NEWSPAPER PROJECT. 185 for rival sheets ; and even the military had not escaped the distemper. The whole Buzz-Saw Division had turned job-printers, and every stationer and bookseller in town was printing posters. I asked the Honest Jew, how much the average profits of a newspaper were ; and he answered with glowing eyeballs, that a daily newspaper made a hundred thousand dollars every three days; and that it was his intention to set two running at once, in a large building fronting on two streets — a newspaper at each end. Both, he said, could be printed from the same form, and as the public would never read either, they would not discover the base deception. "The press of Madisonville is already large," I be- gan ; " its papers, in fact, are more numerous than its readers ; and if we are to establish a new concern, or seize an old one, we must advocate some principle that nobody believed, or ever can believe ; so that ours will be the exclusive organ of that Idea, and meet with no competition." " Yat brinciple do you call dat ? " enquired the Is- raelite. " That," I replied, " is yet to be evolved from the Mammoth Brain of him now before yon ; it is a ques- tion of intellect that I alone can solve." "I have him ! " said the Jew. "What is it? "I asked. " 1^0 brinciple ! " he replied, with a look of triumph. " Brinciple be tampt ! Bublish a baper mit no brin- ciple at all." But the great Idea, I saw, was Consolidation. I would buy or seize all the newspaper establishments 186 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS, in Madison ville ; all their "presses, all their types. I would then construct a building of gigantic propor- tions, eighteen stories high and five thousand feet front on four streets, and into this magnificent temple of art should be put all the materials of all the otfices in this city ; and my great mind and overshadowing genius should be the ruling and guiding spirit of the sj^lendid whole. All rival factions would then bow to me, and all give me their patronage. The lion should lie down Avith the lamb, the Confederate with the Yankee, the tiger with the jackass, the elephant with the baboon, and the greatest man of the age should lead them. Filled with this Idea, even as my insides were filled with liquid Rum, I arose and issued the following : Crciieral Ordei* No. 9. Headqttaeters, Department of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., Oct. 1st, 1863. The General Commanding announces that the Army of Madison- ville is hereby dissolved. The men have fought bravely without pay, and I should consider it an insult to their pride and patriot- ism to offer them money in this late stage of their protracted de- privations and sufferings. They will, therefore, be immediately mustered out of the service without further compensation than the consciousness of having done their duty, and of having served under the greatest warrior of ancient or modern times. The money which would have been paid to the troops under different circumstances, will be turned over to the Honest Jew, who will disburse the same in accordance with verbal instructions from these Headquarters. Soldiers of the Department of Madisonville ! your swords shall be beaten into printing presses, and your bay- onets into ink-rollers ; no more shall you grapple with bloody foes, but you shall stick type and do job printing. But, under all circumstances, you will be cheered by the grateful reflection that your General will retain his rank and pay, whether sweating MACPIIKKSON's editorial PllOGKAMME. 187 blood on the field of carnage, or swaying the destinies of the hu- man race with the editorial pen. By command of Majoe General James B. MAOPnERSON. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. Thus, Consolidation and the downfall of all rivalry is the grand Idea that now possesses me. I shall ex- change the gray gory garments of war for the editorial robe, and shall make my paper the organ of every prin- ciple and sentiment known to mankind. I shall take one position in one article and follow it immediately by another, taking a directly opposite view ; and thus will I be able to conciliate all conflicting oj^inions and in- terests. Farewell the plumed troop and the big wai-s that make ambition virtue ! Oh, farewell the braying mule and the shrill trumpet, the ear-piercing life, the Confederate flag, and all the pride, pomp, and circum- stance of glorious war — except the pay ! And oh, you mortal Confederate engines, whose rude throats the im- mortal Jove's dread clamors poorly counterfeit. Fare- well ! — Macpherson's occupation's changed ! Yours, undeviatingly, James B. Macpheeson-. 188 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. CHAPTEK XXIII. Macpherson, disgusted with the Newspaper Business, re- solves TO acquire Office and Civil Renown. — The Restoration of Civil Government in Louisiana. — Mac- PHERSON is elected GoVERNOR OF THE StATE, ETC., ETC. Note. — The pro-slavery party of Louisiana, hoping to retain the " divine institution" in New Orleans and other parishes where it was not abolished by the President's Proclamation, formed a scheme to hold an election on the second day of November, 18G3, the day fixed by the old Constitution, for a Governor, Congressmen, State officers, and a Legislature. Of course there could have been no legality or au- thority in such an election, since it had not been called by the Gov- ernor, or countenanced in any manner by the military authorities. The State officers who were in Louisiana previous to the outbreak of the rebellion, had deserted their posts and joined the Confed- eracy ; and the only government in Louisiana, since the occupation of New Orleans by the United States forces, has been the military government. A few Co]3perheads — perhaps twenty, all told — met secretly in Masonic Hall, and nominated candidates for the different offices. Their proceedings and designs were kept profoundly secret, as long as possible. They determined that on the Wednesday pre- ceding the election, they would issue a call for a mass-meeting, to be held the next Saturday evening, to ratify their nominations. In other words, the people were to have five days' notice before the election. The matter "leaked out," however, a little sooner than the conspirators intended to have it. But on the Wednesday pre- ceding the day fixed for the election, the Masonic Hall clique issued an "Address to the People of Louisiana," calling upon them to con- vene at the usual places of voting, the next Monday, and elect civil officers, and assuring them there was " nothing to prevent" it ; that the miUtary would not interfere, and that this course would meet the approval of the national government. " On the second of November, then," said the address, " go to the polls and cast your votes as usual ; your chosen Congressmen will take their seats on the first Monday of December ; your chosen Legislators will meet on the third Monday of January and organise ; your State officers will on the same day be MACPHEESON IN THE NEWSPAPEIl BUSINESS. 189 inaugurated, and thus the wheels of civil government will be once more set in motion in our State, and we trust prosperously and for the benefit of mankind. Fail to make this little eflbrt, and your last opportunity for renewing Civil State Government, in accordance with legal provisions, will fruitlessly pass, with the probable de- struction of Republican Institutions. * * * " Let us arise, then, and go forth and perform the imperative and sacred duty of electing the ofiicers of a Civil Government in Louisi- ana, on Monday, the second day of No'cember, the time appointed by our laws ; and if we fail, it may be the last time we will have the power of acting as freemen." The purpose of this movement, it was well understood, was to re- stolre the infamous Black Code of Louisiana — a code most barbarous in its provisions — and to re-establish slavery on its former founda- tions. But the scheme, as soon as it was exposed, subjected its authors to such ridicule and contempt, that they " backed out" of it, and published an announcement that the election would not be held, since it was feared that the people would not vote ! But the end it seems was not yet ; for the gentlemen who were nominated by Masonic Hall, had the assurance to claim that they were entitled to exercise the offices for which they were named, on the ground that had the election teen held, they would have received a majority of the votes ! Nearly all the men nominated by Masonic Hall for State officers were residents of New Orleans. Some of them were notorious for their rebel proclivities ; some had signed or voted for the Ordinance of Secession, in the Convention of 1861. Madisonville, La., October 30th, 1863. Sir : — As tlie Devil, after the great secession move- in eiit described by Milton, was hnrled headlong flam- ing from the ethereal sky, with hideous rnin and com- bustion, down to bottomless perdition, there to dwell in adamantine chains and penal fire, so had I been pitched heels over head from the lofty position I once occupied, and was nowhere. The few days' experience I had in the newspaper business came near worrying the life out of me. Every ^yq minutes during the night, my door-bell would ring furiously, and some new candidate for newspaperial fame and wealth would 190 THE MACPHEESOK LETTERS. . present himself, witli proiDositions to buy me out at half price or to steal the concern outright, until finally in disgust I told the Honest Jew to take the whole con- cern and go to the devil with it, or anywhere else, pro- vided he would give me an hour's sleep. Having disbanded the army of Madisonville, and the Buzz-Saw Division having all turned job printers, I have felt my powers sensibly decline. I turned my at- tention to philosophy, which is a good thing in its way ; but even Socrates w^as as poor as a Confederate pack- horse, and was abused for it by his wife. In short, phi- losophy don't pay bills. Therefore, having lost military power, I determined to acquire enough civil grandeur to make up for it ; and I planned a grand scheme for inaugurating civil government in Louisiana. Secresy was very important, since the plot was one so wise that the lubberly-headed masses of the people could never comprehend or aj)preciate it. Therefore, I called a meeting of tlie faithful in the attic of my dilapidated hospitable abode, to lay before them the splendid con- ception that had sprung from my Mammoth Brain. Tlie better to ensure secresy, a grip and pass- word were adoj)ted. The grip consisted of a grab at the nasal or- gan, and the pass-word was : " Treasury P The fol- lowing distinguished statesmen were present : . James Buchanan Macpherson, the Confederate Phi- losopher and Southern Blower ; his son, and Chief of Staff, the Idiotic Boy ; his Quartermaster, the Honest Jew ; his Commissary, the Unhappy Cuss ; his Chief of Cavalry, the Solitary Horseman ; his Chief of Artil- lery, the Inconsolable Thug ; his Chief of Signal Corps, the Southern Source ; his Judge Advocate, the Weep- mAUGUKATTNG CmL GOVEENMENT. 191 ing Orphan ; his Aids-de-Camp, the Macedonian, the Reliable Gentleman, and the Cussed Fool of Carondelet- street. It was a tonching sight, and one calculated to bring tears to the eyes of an alligator, to look upon this as- sembly of fallen greatness. Every man of them had enjoyed a fat office under me in the days of my martial glory ; but now they looked like a set of darned loafers, with lank jaws and seedy breeches. They reminded me of the congregation of registered enemies that Satan got around him in the infernal regions, after his repulse by the heavenly army. I arose and addressed them as follows ; MaGjpJiersoTi' s Address. " Fellow-citizens of Louisiana ! "We address you as loyal to the Government." [A voice : " Which Govern- ment ?"] Macpherson : '' ISTone of your d — d business, you hounds ! Wait till my scheme is put into execu- tion, and then learn what it is by the results. As loyal citizens you have duties to perform to me and your- selves, your State and country. We are in danger, and immediate action is required. The fact is, you are like me in one respect — you all want office ; and the want of civil government in our State can, by a proper effort on your part, soon be supplied, under laws and a Con- stitution formed and adopted by yourselves, in a time of profound peace. It is made your duty as well as your right, to meet at the usual places, and cast your votes for me as Governor, and for yourselves to fill the best offices in the State. Heretofore in our histoiy the direction of these elections has been had by legal 192 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEES. agents ; but tlie legal agents now have no anthority of any sort, and, therefore, we will take charge of the whole busmess ourselves. We held a State election in 1861, and nothing has since happened that amounts to any thing. We promise you that the military will not interfere, there being none in this part of the country ; and we think we can assure you that your action in this respect will meet the approval of the National Gov- ernment." [A voice : " Which I^ational Government ?"] Macjplierson : " Dry up, you vagabond ! We urge upon you action in this important crisis. It will convince the world of our wish and determination to manage the offices of the State and the public revenue in the man- ner most satisfactory to ourselves ; it will encourage all desirous of making a splurge in other States, and will have a tendenc}^ to cause the soldiers to throw down their arms, and give us our own way, overawed by the civil grandeur that will surround us. Go to the polls then ! Your Governor will assume his constitutional functions, and the Legislature will convene in Madi sonville forthwith ; your Congressmen will take their seats as soon as they can find them." [A voice : " In Washington or in Richmond ?"] Macpherson: "Silence, you low-lived scoundrel! It is our intention to assume our old status, in order that we can clear the State of Yankee office-holders, and whip our niggers under our own vine and fig-tree, with none to molest or to make us afraid. Let us arise, then, and go forth and perform the imperative and sacred duty of electing ourselves to office ; and if we fail, it may be the last time we shall have the power of acting as freemen — that is, thrashing the PARCELLING OUT THE CANDIDATES. 193 niggers and spending the public fund according to our own discretion ! " At the conclusion of this able and patriotic address, a burst of applause greeted me like the roar of battle. The Southern Source then arose, and stated that he had just had an interview with Jeff. Davis, and had been assured of his approval and support. The Em- peror of France had also promised a land and naval force to co-operate with the new governor. [Applause.] The Idiotic Boy was loudly callfed for, but declined to speak, as he was about to be a candidate for the suffrages of his fellow-citizens for one of the highest offices in their gift. Modesty, he said, prevented him addressing the audience ; but he nevertheless went on and spoke two columns, saying that the facts of seces- sion and rebellion had changed nothing, except to turn the offices over to the present company, which he be- lieved to be a good thing. In conclusion, he expressed the hope that the advertising and job work necessary to be done, would be given to the paper with which it was well known he was connected. [Hisses by the Honest Jew and other publishers.] I interfered, say- ing, that the newspaper business had played out, and had nothing to do with political questions. The Honest Jew said : " Pefore I gives mine subbort of der measure, I vish to know if I be made Dreasurer. You makes me Dreasurer, I zteals the bublie funds and tivides mit you vun half the brofit !" [Applause, and the nomination of the Honest Jew as State Treas- urer by acclamation.] The meeting then proceeded to nominate candidates, when the following ticket was agreed to : 194 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. STATE ELECTION. For Governor: James Buchanan Macpherson, Of Madisonville. For Lieutenant Governor : The Idiotic Boy, Of Madisonville. For Secretary of State : The Unhappy Cuss, Of Madisonville. For State Treasurer : The Honest Jew, Of Madisonville. For Auditor : The Reliable Gentleman, Of Madisonville. For Attorney General : The Weeping Orphan, Of Madisonville. For Superintendent of Public Education : The Southern Source, Of Madisonville. For Congress — Madisonville District : The Cussed Fool, Of Madisonville. For Congress — State at Large : The Solitary Horseman, Of Madisonville. It was suggested tliat Madisonville was not properly- represented on the ticket. We had the ballots printed GEAND RATIFICATION MEETING. 195 immedia,tely, and to each one was attached the fol- lowing : Notice. — Gentlemen wishing to become members of the State Senate and Legislature, can be accommodated by paying their initiation fee and becoming members of the patriotic association that manufactured the above ticket. As soon as the party is large enough, a candidate will be named for each district in the State. J. B. M., Governor Grand jRatificatiorh Meeting. It was voted unanimously that time was of great consequence, and that the sooner we were elected the surer we would be of our offices. Wishing, however, to give the lubberly-headed people a fair show, we called a grand Ratij&cation Meeting, to be held at Merritt's Hotel, in MadisonviUe, the next morning at ^n^ o'clock. The smi was not up when the assembly convened, but that made no difference. On motion, James B. Macpherson, of MadisonviUe, was chosen President ; and the Idiotic Boy, of MadisonviUe, was appointed Secre- tary. A list of Yice-Presidents was then appointed as follows : The Unhappy Cuss, of MadisonviUe ; the Honest Jew, of MadisonviUe ; the Reliable Gentleman, of MadisonviUe ; the Weeping Orphan, of MadisonvUle ; the Southern Source, of MadisonviUe ; the Cussed Fool, of MadisonviUe; the Solitary Horseman, of Madi- sonviUe. The audience consisted of the Inconsolable Thug, of MadisonviUe, the bar-keeper of Merritt's MadisonviUe Hotel (drunk), and thi*ee niggers of MadisonviUe, sleep- ing on the sidewalk. " Fellow-citizens of Louisiana !" I said, " I am thank- 196 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. M for the honor conferred upon me, in being called to preside over the deliberations of this great assembly. I am happy to greet my fellow-citizens of Louisiana upon this auspicious occasion. [Three cheers by the Inconsolable Thug, who knocked down the barkeeper, by way of a ' tiger.'] Our principles are well known. "We go for restoring the State as it was before the Yan- kee brutes came down here and took 'New Orleans ; and we believe that the offices of a State belong to the great men of the State. If elected to the office of Gov- ernor by the suffrages of the people, I shall perform the duties of the office in a manner perfectly satisfactory to myself." [Applause on the platform.] The Idiotic Boy suggested that the ticket had been enthusiastically endorsed by the people of Louisiana, and that the election ought to come off at six o'clock the same morning. We therefore adjourned to the usual places of holding elections, and in fifteen minutes there- after the polls closed. The result was proclaimed in a loud tone of voice, and it was found that every candidate nominated in the attic had been elected with- out opposition. The only disturbance at the polls was occasioned by the Inconsolable Thug, who rolled up his coat and pulled off his sleeves, and fought the barkeeper and the niggers for the drinks. At seven o'clock a. m. of the same day, I was solemnly inaugurated Governor of the State of Louisiana. The ceremonies were performed at Merritt's Hotel, Madi- sonville. A high stool was arranged in front of the bar, with a decanter and glass within reach ; and on this stool I took my seat, looking as wise as though I MACPHERSON AS GOVERNOR. 197 had had my head soaked in sage tea for four months ; while on my left was the Lieutenant-Governor elect and the other State dignitaries. The oath was administered by the barkeeper, after which I delivered the following Inau2:ural Address : " Fellow-citizens of Louisiana ! It is customary on occasions of the solemn inauguration of the Chief Magistrate of the State, that his predecessor should be present. But in the present instance I am authorised to say that it is not convenient for Governor Moore to attend. I beg leave to say that I shall pursue the same policy that he did, and I sincerely pray that my gubernatorial career may be crowned with results no less brilliant than those he realised." Amid the plaudits of the crowd, I was then escorted to the D. H. Abode, now become the Executive Man- sion, amid salvos of artillery from a hundred-pound wooden howitzer. I rode on a triumphal horse-car decorated with old newspapers and drawn by eight jackasses. The officers of State having been sworn in, I issued the following : PROCLAMATION TO THE PEOPLE OF LOUISIANA. I, James Buchanan Macpherson, having been unanimously elected Governor of the State of Louisiana, hereby issue this my Proclamation, and decree as follows : 1. That the State House at Baton Rouge having been burned down, the seat of Government is removed to Madisonville, where the Legislature will convene at one o'clock this afternoon. 2. The salaries of all public oflacers are hereby doubled, and a year's salary shall be drawn in advance. 3. The public debt having increased beyond the capacity of the 198 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. treasury, the same is hereby cancelled, and the State Treasurer will rub out and begin anew. 4. The Confederate Arithmetic is hereby designated as the offi- cial mathematical system, and the Superintendent of Education wUl see that none other is taught. 5. Civil government having now been firmly established in the whole of Louisiana, the United States army is directed to pack up and leave by the next steamer for the ISTorth ; and every damned Yankee found in the State after the second day of November, will be hung to a lamp-post. In witness whereof, I have hereunto set the seal of the State of Louisiana, on the twenty-eighth day of October, Anno Domini one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Southern Confederacy, three. By the Governor. The IJNHAPrY Crss, Secretary of State. I will now conclude my epistle, expressing the hope that the life of the undersigned may be prolonged to an unnatural extent, and that he may. be re-elected at the expiration of his present term. Yours, Gubernatorially, James Buchanan Macphekson. REBELS WAI^TING OFFICE UNDER MACPHEKSON. 199 CHAPTER XXIY. The Governor is besieged by- Office-seekers. — The inge- nious Method by which he dispersed the Mob. — The True Southern Patriot, and why he would not accept Office. — The Idiotic Boy chastised. — The Governor MAKES A Pilgrimage to Richmond. — The full and au- thentic History of the Congressional Career of the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman, etc., etc. Executive Mansion, Madisonville, La., Dec. 31st, 1863. Sir : — Since my elevation to tlie lofty position of Governor of Louisiana, every Confederate within five thousand miles, of Madisonville has applied to me for an office. I was delighted beyond measure to see the amount of patriotism which these faithful sons of chiv- alry possessed. Every one of them, I found, had first raised the Confederate flag in E"ew Orleans, and had been last to pull it down when the infernal Yankees took possession of that impregnable city. Every one of them had suffered tenfold persecution, and the ago- nies of purgatorial punishment for the holy cause of Southern rights ; and there was not one who did not declare that his soul would swell with gratitude, if I would point out to him a method in which he might immediately spend the remnants of his fortune and pour out his heart's blood for the sacred Confed- eracy. 200 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. How the Governor got rid of ''em, *' Sweet Confederate patriots !" I said, addressing them from the roof of the house ; " you all want office. I sympathise with your honorable ambition, and I will give every one of you a position [loud shouts of applause on all sides] on certain terms. [Many voices : ' Give us the terms. Governor !' and, ' We accept.'] Don't be in a hurry about accepting, you hounds ! un- til you hear the conditions. You are all anxious to serve the Confederacy in the most effectual manner. [Cries of ' yes,' ' that's so,' et cetera.] You would willingly lay down your lives, your fortunes, and your sacred honor on the glorious altar of Southern Inde- pendence. [Loud cries of ' yes,' and ' bully for the Gov. !'] Well, sweet ones ! you shall be accommo- dated. [Cheers and shouts for fifteen minutes.] Every one of you shall have a posish under my admin- istration, if you will enlist in the Confederate army for three years or during the war, unless sooner dis- charged !" A hum of voices was heard on all sides, like that described by Homer, when the Greeks issued from their black ships to pounce upon Priam. It grew fainter and fainter, until it fell upon the ear like strains of distant music, and then it died out altogether. On looking about me, I discovered that the vast assembly of patriots had disappeared. Every mother's son of 'em had skedaddled ; not one has since asked for an office or shown his head in Madisonville. IDIOTIC BOY CKITICISING THE LETTERS. 201 The True Soitthern Patriot, I then made the acquaintance of the True Southern Patriot ; the man who didn't want office. He was a man of meek manners, and said he only came to assure me of his supreme admiration of my great abilities, and that he was mine respectfully until death should us part. I asked him if he would like to go to Con- gress, whereupon he seemed stricken with horror. ^' ISTo," he replied, " the time of my political ambition has passed ; nothing on earth would induce me to accept an office." On questioning him, I found that he already held four offices under the Confederate Government ; and to this fact I attributed his reluctance to take a posish. The Idiotic Boy chastised. I have prepared my letters to The Era for 23ublica- tion in book form, and the manuscript has already gone on to tbe publisher in JSTew York. It will be the greatest work that ever emanated from the human in- tellect, and as a history of Confederate Glory will equal in truthfulness the story of Sinbad the Sailor. I gathered all the letters together in a big pile, and taking up a pair of scissors, remarked to the Idiotic Boy that I should cut from them every part not worth printing. '' If you do that," replied the Imbecile Youth, " your book will not make two pages." I flogged him like Satan for that s]3eech. But wlien 202 THE MAOPHEESON LETTERS. I caine to look over the letters, I found lie was alto- gether too near the truth, and no-aiu within an inch of his life. gether too near the truth, and for this I flogged him ITie Governor's PilgHmage to JRiclimond. As the faithful Mohammedaus make a pilgrimage to Mecca for the good df the soul, so did I start for Kichmond in the search of political power. It will be remembered by the readers of my former able produc- tion, that at the time I was elected Governor of Loui- siana, a whole set of State officers was chosen, and that the Cussed Fool and tlie Solitary Horseman were elected as representatives in Congress. The election was held in Madisonville before daylight, on the morn- ing of October 28th, 1863, and the barkeeper of Mer- ritt's Hotel administered the oath of office. ' It may seem strange that the Chief Magistrate of a great State should be hard up ; but such, nevertheless, was the case : for the Treasurer, the Honest Jew, stole all the money, and ran away. I therefore called a council of State, and addressed them as follows : " Brother dignitaries of the Commonwealth of Loui- siana ! called, as all of us were, by the unanimous suf- frages and sufferings of our fellow-citizens, to uphold the dignity and power of the State, and to dispose of the public revenue according to the dictates of our own consciences, it becomes our duty to stand by the ship of State in adversity as well as in prosperity. Honest poverty has been held as a mark of honor by the wisest sages of antiquity ; and if it be in truth an honor, then are we entitled to the highest respect^ for there isn't a NOVEL EXPEDIENT TO GET MONET. 203 red in tlie treasury, and it becomes our duty to raise the wind. Happily, an honorable way is open for the ac- complishment of this most desirable object. I have therefore to propose that the Cussed Fool and the Sol- itary Horseman shall go to Richmond to get seats in Congress, if possible. But for fear they may not suc- ceed, I will go with them, and we will collect mileage from the Sergeant-at-arms, before their claim is passed upon by the House. This will yield a very handsome sum, and we will divide it equally among the various officers of the State." This proposition was received with loud shouts of ap- proval ; and accompanied by the two members of Con- gress and the Idiotic Boy (Lieutenant Governor), we set out for the great Confederate capital. I journeyed over hills and mountains and through valleys, until I ar- rived in a big swamp, which, I was told, was formerly known as tlie Chickahominy Bottoms, but is now called Strategy Swamp, because a whole army got swamped while practising strategy in those gloomy regions. I sank to my middle every time I stepped ; and the Idi- otic Boy informed me that it only required a siege of the malarious fever to ruin my constitution and com- plete my military education. I then debouched from the woods, and, lo and be- hold ! the city of Jeff. Davis loomed upon my vision. " O great Confederate Jerusalem !" I exclaimed, " as all the Honest Jews shall some day be gathered together in Palestine, so sliall all the Confederates soon swarm with- in thy gates, when Meade, Grant, and Gilmore im- piously crowd, tliem up in one place. And as the foot- print of Moham^med is preserved in a sacred temple, so 204: THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. shall the mark of mj Confederate shoes form a shrine for future generations ?" We then advanced to the city by the right flank, and I immediately visited the Executive Mansion, and had an interview with Jeff. Davis. Jeff, was glad to see me, but said he had been a little more near-sighted than usual since Chickamauga. I told him we came as rep- resentatives of a great principle. " What principle is that ?" asked Jeff. " Mileage," I answered. He said he hoped we would succeed, and that the best plan would be to get the Clerk of the House drunk, and hire him to place the names of the two Congressmen on the roll before any objection was raised ; and then to apply immediately to the Sergeant- at-arms for mileage. It is a melancholy fact that the human mind is so constituted, in some instances, that it is open to the voice of duty and justice only after it has received the inducement of a liberal fee. And it is providential, perhaps, that the Louisiana Delegation had no money ; otherwise we might have been tempted to try to bribe the Clerk. But we found this unnecessary. The Clerk was anxious to be re-elected, and in order to accomplish this he determined not to enroll the names of any but those who would vote for him, and a promise to vote for him was all that was needed to secure a place on the roll of members. The great and momentous day at last arrived for Congress to assemble. The Louisiana Delegation looked pale and haggard, but I told them I would stand by them until they got their mileage. We approached the Sergeant-at-arms, wliere, in accordance with in- structions, the Cussed Fool and the SoHtary Horseman fell prostrate before that official dignitary, and in tears and lamentations sufficient to move a house, implored him to pay them their mileage. The Sergeant-at-arms replied that he didn't see it, and I haven't seen it yet myself. The Louisiana Delegation then arose to its feet, and we all went into the House of Representatives together, when the following proceedings occurred : Mr. Stevens said : I ask to have the credentials of the persons claiming to be representatives from Louisi- ana read. Clekk vjnst drunk enough to be funny). — The Clerk will gratify the curiosity of the gentleman. [Laughter by the Idiotic Boy, the Louisiana Delegation, and me.] E'ow came the greatest triumph of my life ; for the Clerk proceeded to read, in a clear and distinct tone of voice, the credentials which I had prepared by four weeks' labor, and a careful study of Webster's Diction- ary and the Black Code of Louisiana : CREDENTIALS. I, James Buchanan Macpherson, Governor of the State of Lou- isiana, duly and legally elected by the voters of said State, in pur- suance of my twenty-second letter to the Era, and the Constitu- tion and laws, and inaugurated by taking the oath administered by the barkeeper of Merritt's Hotel, do certify that at an election begun and held in Madisonville, before daylight, on the morning of the twenty-eighth day of October, 1863, in accordance with Masonic Hall, for the purpose of electing Representatives from said State and raising the wind, the following named persons were regularly elected to represent said State in said Congress for the term of two years from the fourth day of March, 1863, namely : 206 TIJE MACPHEESON LETTEES. • The Cussed Fool. The Solitary Horseman. All of whom were regularly elected m accordance with the Constitution and Laws of said State of Louisiana, as by me con- strued and interpreted. In testimony whereof, I, James Buchanan Macpherson, Author of the Confederate Arithmetic, Traveller through the Louisiana Lowlands Low, Clergyman, Poet, Philosopher, Plato of the Con- federacy, Warrior, great Southern Blower, and Governor, elected as aforesaid, do hereby commission said persons, so elected as aforesaid and duly sworn, to represent said State in the said Con- federate Congress, on condition that they shall pay my hotel bills as long as 1 remain in Eichmond, and divide their mileage with me honorably and justly ; and I do hereby give these credentials in evidence of their fair and square election ; and I do hereby af- fix my private seal of office, my predecessor and friend, Moore, having carried off the great seal, and having had no opportunity to send it back, in consequence of General Banks chasing him like the devil last spring, from which he has never recovered ; and my said private seal I have hereunto affixed this twentieth day of November, in the third year of Jeff. Davis, and the year of our Lord, 1863. t —^ J James BrcnANAN MACPnEEsox, ( Jl^ } Governor of the State of Louisiana. My private seal, wliicli I affixed to the above docu- ment, is the picture of a jackass grabbing at a crib be- yond his reach. Stevens' moved to strike the name of the Cussed Fool and tlie Solitary Horseman from the roll of members ; but was induced to withdraw it, and we proceeded to the election of a speal^ier. The Louisiana Delegation voted for a candidate of their owm, and thus succeeded in getting their names in the Congressional proceedings. The future historian, the unborn Herodotus, will be struck with the appearance of those euj)honious names, and he will also be struck by the fact that they never appear afterward. BROOKS SUSTAINS THE LOUJSIANIANS. 207 After tlie election of a speaker, the members went up to be sworn ; and now there was a row with the Louisiana Delegation. Stevens objected to the Louisi- ana Delegation, and Brooks came forward, prompt as ever, to vindicate the cause of innocence and justice. He said that he hoped the House would go on in the ordi- nary way, and swear in every man, woman, and child that applied for admission. It was hard work to stand, and he thought the gentlemen from Louisiana should have seats. If, after admitting them and paying their mileage, it should be found desirable to get rid of them, the}^ could be kicked out or put out in any manner the House should determine. He knew nothing of the rights of the members from Louisiana, and he didn't care a damn, so long as they were good Confederates and would vote on his side. The country was rich and could afford to pay. These gentlemen had come a long distance for seats, and it would not be in accordance with the rales of chivalry or hospitality to keep them standing, except on one of the standing committees. Memminger could easily print off a few more treasury notes. [Applause by the Louisiana Delegation.] Stevens. — These credentials are no credentials at all. Who has ever heard of this pretended Gov. Macpherson ? [Yoice — " Eead The Eea."] By what right does he claim that title ? There has been no election in Louisi- ana, and how was it possible for anybody to get elected ? Brooks moved that Macpherson's Twenty-second Let- ter, containing an account of the State election be read for the information of the ignoramus who had just taken his seat. He would there find an official account of the election and its results. But it made no difference 208 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. whether there had been an election or not. He put it upon the ground of courtesy. These gentlemen had taken a great deal of trouble, and he believed if thej were refused admittance others would be deterred from asking for seats in the House. Stevens moved to refer the members from Louisiana to the committee on credentials. Allen moved to lay the Delegation on the table. Lost. Stevens's motion was then carried ; the banner of freedom and truth trailed in the dust ; the free-born citizens of Louisiana were virtually expelled from the House. From this moment, in my opinion, dates the visible decline of public virtue in the Confederacy. What encouragement is there, henceforth, for patriots ambitious to go to Congress ? I^one ! What way is there left open by which a pennyless Governor like me can pay his hotel bills, if his friends get nothing to divide with him ? None ! The knees of the Cussed Fool knocked together, and it was in vain that I strove to administer consolation and ho])e to his wounded and bleeding soul. I asked him to show that the spirit of a man had some place in him yet, and to resign himself to his fate. " Eesign !" said he, brightening up ; " that is a good idea. I will resign myself," and immediately he wrote his resignation as member of Congress, which I accepted on the spot, and notified the Speaker of the fact in writing. But that leather-headed ignoramus said the Cussed Fool was no member at all, and he didn't see how he could resign a seat which he never possessed. Therefore, he would not trouble the House with the matter. PEOPOSALS FOR MATRIMONY. 209 The question then arose how we were to get away from the city without paying our bills. We finally hit upon the expedient of having every thing charged to the Solitary Horseman, who still remains in Richmond waiting at the door of the House patiently, day by day, for the Committee on Credentials to let him in. He hopes by his patient conduct and meek looks, to arouse the pity of the House ; and praying that he may suc- ceed, I remain, Yours, officially, James B. Macpherson. P. S. — Jan. 1st, 1864. — This being leap year, sealed proposals for matrimony will be received until the thirty-first day of December next. J. B. M. THE END. 31j.77-2