EDGAP A . WFIRNFTP A. "CQ 'pyiolit, 1912, by Edgar S. Werne Two-Character Plays (That is Each Play Has Two Characters) Specially Recommended and Published by EDGAR S. WERNER $ COMPANY, 43 East 19th St., New Yorh Awakening of Galatea. 25c. illus- trated Romantic Statue Scene from play "Pygmalion and Galatea," by W. S. Gil- bert, im, if. 30 min. Arranged and poses by Helen M. Schuster. Photographs from life. Greek costumes. The gods grant ar- tist's prayer to have his woman statue come to life. Her awakening to life _ and to love, and the predicament the artist (who is married) finds himself in, make a dainty and interesting play, suitable for children or adults. Backward Child. 15c. H. L. C. Pem berton. Farce Comedy in i act. 20 min. 2f. Elderly governess is engaged for "a backward child," who turns out saucy, pre- cocious and badly spoiled, and who makes first lesson such a torment to governess that she decides to resign to great delight of child. BOX of Powders. 15c. Farcical Ro- mantic Courting Scene in i act. i hour, im, if. Young widow, having set up in window dummy of old man to make good her foolish story to an admirer that _ she had an old and infirm husband, is fright- ened by admirer's (who has learned of her deception by use of telescope) threat to force an entrance to her apartment into showing willingness to marry a colonel, who has called, and who, because of plas- ters on his feet, has been in agony and has been going through ridiculous antics and subterfuges to explain his conduct. Breaking the Ice. 15c. c. Thomas. Romantic Comedy in i act. 50 min. im, if. Young couple, whose parents have planned their marriage, meet by chance in inn (the girl running from home to avoid meeting man whom she has never seen, the man going to her house to keep the parents' engagement) and like each other so well that, on finding the other's identity, become engaged on the spot and go to girl's home. Confederates, The. 15c. Comedy Court- ing Scene in I act. 15 min. im, if. To bring dilatory lover to marriage proposal, a girl, under pretext of warding off old ob- jectionable lover planning to propose, gets lover to pretend an engagement just for one evening at ball, result being a real, permanent engagement. Crystal Gazer. 15 c. L. Montague. Far- cical Fortune-teller Scene in 1 act. 30 min. 2f. Mistaking girl seeking lover's address for another girl looking for lost poodle, a fortune-teller gets things ridicu- lously mixed, getting out of scrape by in- formation in letter from lover, who like- wise was looking for girl's address, written by him on his cuff, which he "inadvertently sent to the wash." Fast Friends. 15c. R. Henry. Comedy Play. 30 min. 2f. Two women, intimate friends, who had never met the other's hus- band, in telling of their having met, at a concert and lecture, men who spoke of their unappreciative wives, learn that their own husbands had schemed to cure their wives of visiting so much. Happy Ending. 15c. B. Moore. Ro- mantic Pathos Play in 1 act. 35 min. af. Woman, who as young wife had wrongly deserted husband and baby, when middle- aged is so lonely that she advertises for companion. Her own daughter, whom she does not know, gets the position and suc- ceeds in reconciling her parents, to their mutual happiness. He, She and It. 15c. Wm. Muskerry. Comedy Matrimonial Scene in i act. 30 min. im, if. Young wife, having worked herself into hysterics because of husband's lateness on evening of her birthday, scolds unceasingly, not giving him chance to ex- plain; but when he produces presents for herself and baby, is ashamed and happy to become reconciled. Husband in Clover. 15c. H. C. Meri vale. Farcical Matrimonial Scene in i act. i hour, im, if. Young husband, ennuiel with placid life with loving and devote'l wife, expresses his discontent by writing in book praises of other girls he thinks he might have married. His wife, reading these entries unbeknown to him, cures his nonsense by simulating the various charac- teristics he thinks so commendable in others but lacking in his own wife. Little Flirts. 35c. Clara Macmonagle- Britten. Illustrated Flirtation Dance and Pantomime. For I boy and i _ girl, or 2 girls, one dressed as boy. Music and full directions given. 9 photographs from life. List of Two-Character Plays Continued on Third Cover Page of This B00K Love Story of Uneeda Ad Romantic Comedy in two scenes 11 m, 6f., and supes By MATTIE LEE HAUSGEN ^r^WMJ^ wi EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY 43 East 19th Street NEW YORK Copyright, 1912, by Edgar S. Wermtr ©CI.D 29505 Love Story of Uneeda Ad CHARACTERS GIRLS. Uneeda Ad. Baker's Cocoa, a widow. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water. Dutch Cleanser. Gold-Dust Twins. Spotless-Town Maid (Sapolio). BOYS. Heinz Pickle. Ham Devil. McLaren Cheese. Peter Milk Chocolate. Ralston Miller. Dutch Paint. Winchester Rifle. Quaker Oats. Swift's Cook. Pure Food. Spotless-Town Policeman. Spotless-Town People (any number). Note. — Each character should imitate as closely as possible make-up and costume of the familiar figures in the printed advertisements. To further insure instant recognition by audience, name of each character represented should be printed on garments in large letters. SCENE I. Stage-Directions: Sign, in large letters, "Pure Food Con- vention, Headquarters," tacked across wall at back of stage. Large frame, covered with tissue paper, representing can of Ham Devil with picture of Devil on front, at R. of stage. Large Heinz Pickle, with "57" on front side, suspended at L. of stage. Small table, two chairs up C. and blooming plants at either side. Box of checkers on table. Curtain rises on Spotless-Town People in a row. 4 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD Spotless-Town People. [These verses may be sung in chorus, or if spoken, each char- acter may deliver one or more lines in turn.] From Spotless-Town, Of wide renown, We come. No bogie man, Nor Pure Food Laws, Can tremors cause To us, not under ban. Sapolio, As all well know, Is enemy to dirt, And mud, and dust, And even rust, — It ever does them hurt. Then shout, oh ! oh ! Sapolio Leaves all things shining bright; In every home It solves the sum Of turning dark days bright. [Enter Gold-Dust Twins L. As they do so Spotless-Town People group to R. Gold-Dust Twins point to Spotless-Town People.] Gold-Dust Twins. We'd like to know what they wants here With us to clean. [Enter Hiawatha Pure Spring Water L. Gold-Dust Twins show fear of her and run to C] Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! Live Injuns here ! We're struck with fear ! [Gold-Dust Twins join hands and exit R., running. Hia- watha Pure Spring Water puts hand over eyes and peers after LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 5 them, backs off L., advances a fczv steps; and, standing at L., addresses Spotless-Town People at R.] Hiawatha Pure Spring Water. [Bozvs and lays hand on breast.] Hiawatha Pure Spring Water [Spotless-Town People all bow, men witH much ceremony.] Bears a noble Indian's name, Sparkling as his deeds of daring, Clear as was his eye in aiming, Pure as Minnehaha's wooing, Cool as mountain brooklet's flowing, Fresh as his undying fame, Good as Arrow-Maker's daughter. [Enter McLaren Cheese L. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water starts away from him to C. Spotless-Town People form in line across stage back of them, as interested spectators. McLaren Cheese approaches Hiawatha Pure Spring Water.] McLaren Cheese. Dear lassie, muckle wild and fleet, Where does this Food Convention meet? [Enter Ralston Miller R.] Ralston Miller [to McLaren Cheese]. Oh, Scotchie, she can't understand [points to sign]. Right here. Look, man ! When did you land ? With bread [points to himself] and water [indicates Hiawatha] and such cheese [points to McLaren Cheese], The public we shall surely please. [Points off R.] He comes on whom the public dotes ! [Enter Quaker Oats R.] Hello ! my friend, old Quaker Oats ! [All bow. Quaker Oats doffs hat.] Well, animated Breakfast Food, A checker game to me looks good. 6 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD [Ralston Miller and Quaker Oats go to table. Ralston spreads out apron and they play checkers. McLaren Cheese offers arm to Hiawatha and escorts her to L., ivhere they stand conversing. Enter Dutch Paint R. running from Dutch Cleans- er. They circle around stage tzvo or three times, Dutch Paint falls over Ralston's outstretched foot as he is seated at checker- table, and falls, spilling his paint. Dutch Cleanser instantly drops to knees and cleans up paint as Dutch Paint retires to R., ruefully watching her.] Dutch Cleanser [coming to Dutch Paint and shaking stick.] What for you mus' dis floor all hup ! Before you haf a bite or sup You must some better manners know. Dutch Paint. You come from Holland, is not so? I dink I like to be your beau ! [Dutch Cleanser refuses to be pacified and flirts off L. Dutch Paint goes R.] Ralston Miller [rises from table]. A foreigner, again I see [looks off L.]. [Enter Peter Milk Chocolate L.] Peter Milk Chocolate. "High as the Alps in quality." [Bows. All return his -salutation.] Ralston Miller. My friend, you are a little late. [Ralston Miller and Quaker Oats come to either side of Peter Milk Chocolate.] Peter Milk Chocolate. Yes, I am Peter Choco-late! [Emphasises "late." From pockets he hands samples of packages, made of wood.] These of our goods show just the shape. [Ralston tries to eat his.] LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 7 Ralston Miller. - They're only wood ! Quaker Oats. You foreign ape ! [Addresses all.] And now, kind friends, I bid thee look For here doth come Ralston Miller [points off R.~\. Swift's Little Cook! Quaker Oats. Full small to draw a load so great. Ralston Miller. What has he? Quaker Oats. Something in a crate. Ralston Miller. A precious freight. Oh, yes, indeed ! Ah ! It is our dearly beloved Uneeda ! [Swift's Cook enters R. drawing freight-truck holding immense Uneeda Biscuit-Box. Stops at C] Ralston Miller. [Comes to Uneeda Biscuit-Box at C] This goods, to guard against all crackage, Is served direct, right from the package. [He tears off paper, opens box; he and Quaker Oats help Uneeda out. McLaren Cheese, Peter Milk Chocolate, Dutch Paint and Ralston Miller gather close around her.~\ Uneeda [smiles]. My ! I am glad to see you all. Dutch Paint [hand to heart]. For dot maid sure I take a fall ! Swift's Cook. You see, we had a close, close call; Pure Food's new auto ran us down, A Pope machine of just renown. 8 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD Ralston Miller [to Uneeda]. You know, McLaren, Peter, Dutch [Uneeda bozvs carelessly, they bow zvith much politeness.] Dutch Paint. AchJ Miss Uneeda, I lofe you much ! Uneeda. What ! Little Dutchman. No ! Not you ! Love maid of your own country, do ! [Dutch Paint starts tozvard her, accidentally touching her sleeve with his paint-brush. Dutch Cleanser takes spot off, and with her stick motions him away.] Dutch Cleanser [follows him to L.] Ach ! Vy it is you awkward ben ? It's good for you dat I can clean ! [In shaking her stick at Dutch Paint, Dutch Cleanser strikes pickle overhead and Heinz Pickle leaps out from back of pickle.] Heinz Pickle. Thanks, thanks, Miss Dutchie, for that tip. [He yawns.] I've slept almost as long as Rip ! Quaker Oats. You're surely not as old as he. Heinz Pickle [pointing to big pickle]. I'm 57, the world can see; And yet well loved by girls at school, In weather either hot or cool. [Sees Uneeda. Comes to L. of her.] Your school-days, dear, are not far off; Come, say that I am young enough ! Peter Milk Chocolate [wheedingly at Uneeda' s right]. I thought girls ever found it handy To have around a box of candy. And then, 'tis true, whate'er you think, LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 9 I'm jnst as good as food or drink. Fair lady, you are slightly salt, I do not mean to find a fault. Quaker Oats [listening up stage]. Belay a saucy tongue like thine! Heinz Pickle [to Uneeda]. Yes, I was salty too, in brine. Quaker Oats [pointing to Peter Milk Chocolate]. His manner dashing debonair. Ralston Miller [observing from background also]. I surely fear he will get there. Peter Milk Chocolate [to Uneeda]. And I have scaled the highest Alps. Ralston Miller. Proud as an Indian of his scalps. [Hiawatha Pure Spring Wate-r listens.] Hiawatha Pure Spring Water. Alas, our scalping days are o'er ! Instead of scalps all stained with gore — We buy tame switches at the store! Peter Milk Chocolate [to Uneeda]. For all my wares there's great demand, Though made away in foreign land. Ralston Miller. That neck of his — he'd surely risk it, To wed our dear Uneeda Biscuit. [Stage darkens, red fire behind ham can. Ham Devil bursts tissue paper and comes to front of stage. Lights up.] H*am Devil. In that tin can I nearly choked; [Dutch Paint comes to FIam Devil at R., staring at him curi- ously. Dutch Cleanser comes to L. Ham Devil steals Dutch Paint's pipe out of his pocket, lights it. Dutch Cleanser shakes stick at him; he grabs brush from Dutch Paint's bucket, dabs her in face. She gets her cleaner from apron pocket and wipes it off.] 10 LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD It seems an age since I have smoked. [Takes a few whiffs, makes a face, puts it back into Dutch Paint's pocket, steals cigars from Peter Milk Chocolate and steals matches from Ralston Miller.] Quaker Oats. A moment, sir, do kindly mention What brings you here, to this convention? Ham Devil. Sure! All conventions end in revel, And then they always raise the devil ! [Ham Devil steals puffed rice out of Quaker Oats's pockets, pelts people with it, steals little pickles from Heinz Pickle, nibbles and makes puckery face.] Quaker Oats [to Ham Devil]. Of all the countries, where's your home? Perhaps from place to place you roam? Ralston Miller. Alas ! He hails from ev'ry nation, He feels at home in all creation ! McLaren Cheese [to Uneeda at R.]. Full weel I ken ye love me not. Ham Devil [standing C, smokes cigar]. What talk is this — pure Tommyrot ! McLaren Cheese [seising Uneeda's hand]. O bonnie lassie ! Bonnie sair. Ham Devil. For goodness sake, go cut your hair ! Peter Milk Chocolate [to Uneeda]. My love for you is full and free, "High as the Alps in quality !" Ham Devil [grabbing Heinz Pickle]. Come, take a pickle, do be quick, Too many sweets will make you sick! [Pops a pickle into Uneeda's mouth.] [Enter Baker's Cocoa L.„ with tray.] LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 11 Baker's Cocoa. She's sick? Then this will soon revive. [Passes cocoa to Uneeda, Hiawatha, Quaker Oats, and one or two others']. Quaker Oats [smacks lips after drinking cocoa]. We all are now much more alive ! [Ham Devil puts his cup, saucer and spoon into his pocket. Gold-Dust Twins come in from R. to collect dishes. They reach Ham Devil last, hold up Baker's Cocoa tray for his cup. Ham Devil has resumed smoking; puffs into their faces; they almost drop tray, shriek and fly out L.] Ralston Miller [to Uneeda]. Far lands are good ; but, in their place, Come, choose a mate of your own race ! Quaker Oats [to Baker's Cocoa, indicating Ralston Mil- ler] . He is the very life of her, Her backbone, breath and character ! Uneeda. You seem a very part of me, — No miller, then no flour, you see. No flour, then no Uneeda Ad; And this, dear friends, would make you sad. [Peter Milk Chocolate weeps.] Don't cry; you'll be a sticky mass, And not a mate for any lass. I have a cousin to your taste, So tears on me no longer waste. Nabisco, you must surely meet her, Her form is smaller, flavor sweeter. [To McLaren Cheese.] Reception Flake would just suit you ; She is my charming cousin, too. [To Heinz Pickle.] While Butter Thin would make you glad You two will run the school-girls mad ! 12 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD [To Ralston Miller.] And, when I fix my wedding-day, Dear Ralston here, gives me away. [Swift's Cook sighs. ~\ Why Cook, you have no cause to take on, Your useful art will save your bacon. Whate'er betide, I'll still take you, Without a Cook what could I do? [Swift's Cook smiles and bows low.] Ham Devil. Uneeda, dear, you serve me well, We two would help each other sell ! Your taste is somewhat namby-pam — Uneeda touch of spicy ham. [Points to himself.] Baker's Cocoa [to Quaker Oats]. I fear for her a sad, sad fate; I wish she'd taken Chocolate. [Ham Devil glides behind Baker's Cocoa and unties her apron.] Quaker Oats [sentimentally to Baker's Cocoa]. She cannot be as wise as thou. Ham Devil [hisses behind hand to Quaker Oats]. Get out, you're awkward as "Sis Cow !" Quaker Oats [to Baker's Cocoa, tying her apron, she looking over her shoulder at him] . See, we would pull quite well together ! Ham Devil [grabbing Dutch Cleanser's stick and spinning Quaker Oats's hat on it]. This hat goes fine for rainy weather ! Ralston Miller [interested in courtship of Quaker Oats, grabs hat from Ham Devil and restores it] . LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 13 Is it a go, O son of Penn, This match of yours ? Just tell us when ! Heinz Pickle [pointing to Quaker Oats]. He's dry as dead Penn's bones are now. Ralston Miller. But she's alive, you will allow ! [Gazing at Quaker Oats and Baker's Cocoa spooning.'] The old, they say, do have it bad. [Ham Devil steals up behind Baker's Cocoa, gets her cap, stuffs it into his pocket.] That Devil yet will drive them mad. [Quaker Oats recovers cap and restores it to Baker's Cocoa.] Ham Devil [in ear of Baker's Cocoa]. Though Quaker's words sound sweet and nice, They're greatly puffed, just like his rice! [Auto-honk sounds.] Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Pray tell It sounds like horns they blow in — well, Hat [To Quaker Oats.] What's that? [Enter Pure Food R.] Ralston Miller. It is our friend, the Pure Food Man, Our wares he praises, every can ! [All salute Pure Food, who bows. Uneeda smiles, fascinated.] Uneeda, sir, is quite worn out For lovers, fond, from thin to stout, Their ardent suits have pled in vain. Pure Food [comes C. to Uneeda]. Your heart seems lacking foreign gates, You lean, then, to United States ? 14 LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD [Points to tiny United States flag in his lapel. Ham Devil plucks bloom from plant at back of stage.] Ham Devil. Uneeda, are you fond of flowers? I found this, after searching hours ! Uneeda. Why, flour? That is all I am, With salt and water, Mr. Ham ! [Tears flower in ttvo and throws it into his face. Ham Devil steals cigars from Pure Food as he talks with Uneeda. Lights one of them.] Pure Food [sentimentally]. If you for flowers really care, I'll pluck the earth's best gardens bare ! And, if you have a taste for birds, I'll have them served with loving words. While animals, and fishes too Shall have their being, just for you! Ham Devil [discarding cigar]. With disappointment I could weep! That was a beastly stogie, cheap ! Baker's Cocoa [to Quaker Oats]. I feel a tiny bit de trop, I think we'd really better go ! Pure Food [to Baker's Cocoa]. Thanks, Chaperone, for here you see [Indicates Uneeda.] If all goes well my bride to be. Each one of you is pure perfection ; Go, of your wares make good selection, That all who come from West or East May test them at our wedding- feast. [All go out, some R., some L., leaving Pure Food and Uneeda. Dutch Cleanser shakes stick at Ham Devil, who exits last and glances back.] LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 15 Ham Devil [going out L.] His auto, — what does make it go? I'll now investigate and know. Pure Food [to Uneeda]. Your eyes speak much; but, I confess, I'd love to hear your lips say "yes." Uneeda. This is so sudden, in a wink, I hardly know, sir, what I think ! Pure Food. It is your timid nature hinders. [Noise of explosion. Gold-Dust Twins rush in from R.] Gold-Dust Twins. Your auto's busted, Marse, to flinders ! [Pure Food hurries out R. with them, Uneeda faints as Ham Devil rushes in L.] Ham Devil [melodramatically']. While others loiter to decide This pretty girl shall be my bride ! [Ham Devil pulls Uneeda Biscuit-box from back of stage, lifts Uneeda in, closes top, looks around for string; spies Swift's Vienna sausage-can, opens it with dagger from his belt; ties box with sausage and is dragging Uneeda out. Sound of rifle is heard, and link of sausage is severed, leaving box in middle of stage. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water rushes in L. and tires arrozvs R. after fleeing Ham Devil. Enter from R. and L. Baker's Cocoa, Quaker Oats, Pure Food, Swift's Cook. Mc- Laren's Cheese. Pure Food and Quaker Oats bend anxiously over Uneeda Box in which Uneeda now lies hidden from view. Enter Winchester Rifle L., looking anxiously to see what his rifle brought down.] Winchester Rifle. I shot at wild geese through a fog ! [They shozv him sausage.] Oh, what a miss, I hit a dog! 16 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD Swift's Cook. I'd have you know our goods are pure, Pure Food he says it, so it's sure ! Winchester Rifle. What? Pure blood dog? My ! What a waste ! Baker's Cocoa [looking into box~\. Uneeda's still unconscious ! Haste ! Quaker Oats. Here, Indian, some spring water, cool, Should bring her round. [Hiawatha starts off toward R. Enter Ralston Miller R. who stops Hiawatha.] Ralston Miller. It is the rule That to the huntress goes the prize, These trophies will delight your eyes. [Hands Ham Devil's cap and tail to Hiawatha Pure Spring Water, who smilingly brandishes them aloft.] Quaker Oats. Out West thy plains are broad and level, Thee hunts big game. Ralston Miller. She shot the Devil ! Shot off his cap Shot off his tail ! Her Indian courage Did not fail ! Quaker Oats [holding up Ham Devil's tail and cap which he takes from Hiawatha] . 'Though pen is mightier than the sword, Her shot was good, upon my word. Winchester Rifle [taking cap and tail from Quaker Oats]. I must confess that this beats me, For, heads or tails, you win, you see ! LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 17 Ralston Miller. Now, watch him act out Captain Smith, I always thought he was a myth. [Enter from R. Heinz Pickle and Peter Milk Chocolate with Ham Devil, struggling. Ham Devil is minus cap and tail.] Heinz Pickle. The capture's Pete's, to run's his fort, His Devilship made straight for court, He said he'd feel at home right there, But Peter caught him on the stair. Pure Food. So far, Uneeda has not seen — Heinz Pickle. Let's hide him in my pickle green. [They put Ham Devil into the big pickle.] Then tie him tight, with his own twine, [Tying him with sausage.] And drop him down deep into brine. Hiawatha [to Winchester Rifle]. Do hand him back his tail and cap ! For such souvenirs who gives a rap? [Winchester Rifle places cap and tail into big Heinz Pickle With Ham Devil. Heinz Pickle and Peter Milk Chocolate take him out L.] Ralston Miller. Say, are you sure all's on the level? I don't like fooling with a Devil ! Your brine must be full good and strong, Or it will never hold him long! Baker's Cocoa [joyfully]. Uneeda feels quite well again ! [Uneeda sits up in box. Pure Food gallantly helps her out. They take scats at either side of table, facing audience.] 18 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 9 Pure Food. We wed to-morrow, then, at ten! [To all, rising.] Go spread this news of fair renown ! Go tell the folks of Spotless-Town ! [Exit R. and L. Ralston Miller, Hiawatha, Baker's Cocoa, Quaker Oats, Swift's Cook, McLaren Cheese and Winches- ter Rifle. Enter L. Gold-Dust Twins, each bearing package of Gold-Dust Powder aloft.] Gold-Dust Twins. Dear Master, we don't mean to shirk. When married we will do your work! [They put packages on table. Dutch Cleanser and Dutch Paint enter R. Gold-Dust Twins attempt to push them back, but fail.] Pure Food [reprovingly'] . No scrapping! Work enough for all! Dutch Paint [nods; holds up package of paint]. For painter ! [Puts paint on table with bow to prospective bride and groom.] Dutch Cleanser. Scrubber ! [Holds up Cleanser, then deposits it on table with Dutch courtesy.] Winchester Rifle [rushes in from L. after firing shot outside holding rabbit up by tail.] One and all! [Deposits rabbit on table with a bow.] Heinz Pickle [runs in L.]. If e'er you find your husband fickle, Just dry your tears and eat a pickle. [With bozv sets jar of pickles on table near Uneeda.] Quaker Oats [enters R.]. Some sound advice from Oats, the Quaker, If she don't love you — this will make her. [Puts package of Quaker Oats near Pure Food.] LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 19 Baker's Cocoa [enters L.]. A breakfast from my tray's a treat — 'Twill make the marriage morning sweet. [Sets tray with two cups on tabic. Quaker Oats leads her to R. and they stand lovingly together.] McLaren Cheese [enters R.]. Before her hand you slyly squeeze — Be sure you win her with a cheese ! [With how puts cheese near Pure Food on table.] Ralston Miller [enters L.]. Since bread's the only staff of life — My floury blessing on your wife ! [Bows and puts package of flour on table near Uneeda.] Hiawatha Pure Spring Water [enters R.~\. If water is your chosen drink — You'll be a happy pair, I think. [Sets water in middle of table. Bozvs and goes to Winchester Rifle who reaches out hand to her.] Swift's Cook [enters L., goes to table]. When at these things I take a look — It seems to me you need a Cook. [Shoves things to either side and sits in middle of table. Holds can of bacon in one hand, can of ham in the other. Pure Food and Uneeda rise, bowing to all R. and L.] [curtain] Curtain ascends again and back of all those on stage who have presented gifts, stand Spotless-Town People. Each holds high above his head a cake of Sapolio. [curtain] 20 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD SCENt II. Setting same as before. Stage is clear with exception of raised dais at back. Two chairs on dais side by side. Dais decorated with placards and other advertising signs of various food products. Sound of "Lohengrin Bridal Chorus" oh Victor Phonograph. Enter from R. Pure Food and Uneeda — bride and groom — fol- lowed by other couples — Winchester Rifle and Hiawatha Pure Spring Water, Quaker Oats and Baker's Cocoa, Dutch Paint and Dutch Cleanser, McLaren Cheese and Ralston Miller, Heinz Pickle and Peter Milk Chocolate. Swift's Cook precedes procession. Gold-Dust Twins hold Uneeda's train. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water carries bow and arrow. Winchester Rifle carries gun. Quaker Oats carries old flag with inscription "Don't Tread on Me." Dutch Paint carries flag of Holland. McLaren Cheese carries flag of Scotland. Peter Milk Chocolate carries flag of Switzerland. Heinz Pickle carries white flag and picture of big green pickle on it with "57." Swift's Cook carries white flag ornamented with pictures of bacon and ham. Ralston Miller carries large United States flag. While Wedding-March is played, procession circles round stage, forms figures, etc. Swift's Cook finally escorts Pure Food and Uneeda to seats on dais. Flags, during march, and after couple are seated, are deposited at sides of dais, United States flag above and back of bridal couple. As United States flag is put in place, music changes to "Star- Spangled Banner." Music ceases and characters group evenly to right and left. Hiawatha and Win- chester Rifle step forward and execute Indian dance together. Indian music accompanies dance. Indian dance is followed by McLaren Cheese in Highland Fling to Scottish music — preferably on bagpipes. McLaren Cheese is followed by Dutch Paint and Dutch Cleanser in wooden-shoe dance with appropriate music. Peter Milk Chocolate does Swiss dance to Yodel mu- sic. Quaker Oats and Baker's Cocoa do a demure Quaker dance to Reuben and Rachel music. Gold-Dust Twins do a cake-walk to rag-time music. As Gold-Dust Twins retire, music of Virginia Reel starts in. Pure Food and Uneeda rise and come down stage to extreme front, hand in hand. Spotless-Town People rush in. All take partners. Two sets form for Virginia Reel which is danced vigorously until fall of curtain. Ham Devil sneaks in with Spotless-Town People and is seen dancing reel with pretty girl. [curtain] Lift of TwowCharaeter Plays Continued from Second Cover Page of This Booh Morning Call. 15c. C. Dance. Romantic Comedy in i act. i hour, im, if. Party of men at English country house bet that a young widow can be made to break her resolution not to remarry, and appoint a fascinating one of their number to make the trial. Informed of the bet through woman friend, widow is prepared, and so manages that the would-be joker proposes in earnestness and is accepted. Needles and Pins. 50c. Helen M. Schus- ter. Illustrated Pantomimed Song or Dia- logue for mi, if. Can be given by 2i. This is the well-known song bringing in "Needles and pins, when a man marries his trouble begins." Words by F. E. Weatherly; music by F. N. Lohr. In sheet music form. 6 photographs. Full music and directions. "Nettle, The." 15c. E. Warren. Ro- mantic Comedy in i act. i hour, im, if. Man, considering himself traduced by news- paper, calls at office to whip editor, but meets and falls in love with editor's pretty sister, who is nice to him because she mis- takes him for capitalist whose aid her brother expects. Man, learning that article does not refer to him, presents whip to girl for her brother's use on belligerent callers, proposes and is accepted. Olga; or, The Franco=Russian Spy. 25c. W. F. Trayes. Drama, im, if. 40 min. Russian interior scene. Police in- spector visits woman spy and asks for pa- pers she holds incriminating husband of woman Inspector loves and whom he would spare. The woman spy, bent on vengeance on husband, once her own lover, refuses to give up papers, but yields on learning that her own husband, a French spy, has been caught and she herself is implicated by papers found on him, and on Inspector's threat to turn her over to Russian mob. Pair of Lunatics. 15c. w. R. Walkes. Romantic Comedy Mad-house Scene in 1 act. 25 min. im, if. Young man and woman, invi _-d guests at ball at insane asylum, mistake each other for insane, and do all sorts of stunts to get out of their supposed predicament. Poe's Wife, Death of, Scene from. 35c. J. Mount Bleyer. From unpublished play. im, if. 10 min. Watching by the bedside of his dying wife Poe, under the stimulation of opium, composes his famous poem, "The Raven." WR19. Those Landladies. 15c. Ina L. Cassilis. Comedy Boarding-house Scene in 1 act. 15 min. 2f. English landlady (typical) enters young ladv lodger's room to dust and in- cidentally to chat. Young lady is absorbed with letter from sweetheart, making re- marks which landlady mistakes as addressed to her, resulting in comical confusion. When young lady notes landlady's presence she indignantly leaves room, followed by uncomplimentary comments from landlady. Show of Hands. 15c. w. R. Walkes. Romantic Comedy in 1 act. 40 min. im, if. Lovers are opposed by girl's fad-in- clined father, who thinks he sees in suitor's hand evil propensities. Girl then imagines her own palm reveals same propensities; and, when she goes to her father with her discovery, he is horrified to find same marks in his hand. They are about to sur- render to the authorities as preventative measure, when father discovers he has been looking at wrong diagram in his book, and that all their hands really show noble qualities. Sisterly Confidences. 35c. R- Brough- ton. Comedy Dialogue. 25 min. 2f. Se- date girl declines to communicate her flirt- ing sister's refusal, and recalls how many lovers she has turned down for sister. Their Graduating Essays. 15c. Elise West. Comedy Play. 1 act. 20 min. 2f. Two school girls confer in writing gradua- ting essays, cribbing from encyclopedias, and interlarding driest historical matter, most gushing sentimental matter, with friv- olous remarks about their chums, their dresses, etc. Full of school-girl nonsense. May end with unseen chorus. Trial Performance. 25c. Pauline Phelps. Comedy Play. 1 act. 2f. 15 min. Scene between theatrical agent and stage-struck country girl determined to get a hearing, and who inflicts samples of acting on dis- comforted agent. Opportunity for varied performance. Two Jolly Girl Bachelors. 15c. E. Martin-Seymour. Romantic Farce in 1 act. 40 min. 2f. Two girlc, .nfluenced by woman crank, believe that their lives will become "settled and made perfect" by re- nouncing men and marriage, and that then they can devote themselves to "healing the sick through the concords of music," finally weaken, pick up letters (which have been lying untouched under the door) from their lovers, who. they declare, "will very soon make two happy wives out of Two Jolly Girl Bachelors." Villain and Victim. 15c. W. R. Walkes. Farcical Matrimonial Scene in 1 act. 40 min. im, if. Young married couple in- terrupt rehearsal of their parts in forth- coming amateur theatricals by making love and apologizing for treating each other as called for by the play, until they get jealous in talking of other players in the cast, be- coming reconciled only after they tear up their books and decide not to "sacrifice" their "happiness merely to enrich contem- porary drama." Wager. 15c. F. W. Kitchel. Comedy Play. 1 act. 20 min. im, if. Man, who has bet with his girl that he can pass for a tragedian without her recognizing him, ad- vertises as teacher of acting; she applies as pupil and they go through Romeo and Juliet scene, he winning bet. and her, too. • • • • • • Any Play Sent Postpaid on Receipt of Price Address the Publishers: EDGAR S. WERNER (St. COMPANY. 43 E. 19th Street. New YorX LIBHAMY Ur UUINUMtOt) © © © © © © © © © © © © © © © © © ® PANTOMIME Sworfc Of IRobert E. Xee Poem by FATHER RYAN Eight Full-figure Illustrations from Life. Directions for 'Pantomiming and Reciting PUBLISHED IN TWO PARTS Part I. Beautiful sheet (16^x23 inches) in colors, with large portrait of Lee, pantomimic illustrations from life illustrating poem "Sword of Robert E. Lee," illustration of Lee's Sword, and of Confederate Flag (in colors). This picture is intend- ed for framing and is on cardboard paper. If framed in Confederate gray wood frame, it makes a beautiful home picture. Part II. Artistic booklet (7x9% inches) extra heavy fine paper. Cover is embossed, and has photographic reproduc- tion of Lee's Sword, Confederate Flag, and Virginia State Flag. (Photograph loaned by R. E. Lee, Esq.) This booklet contains poem "Sword of Robert E. Lee" and directions for pantomiming and reciting. Splendid souvenir for Lee's Birthday, Confederate Day, and other occasions. Price £1., postpaid, for the two parts Each part is mailed separately. Order diretl from the Publishers : EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY 43 East 19th Street, NEW YORK