\ *;«, la " ^ ^ ^ 4j/£" * 1 ? ■*j.-Ji~+ ^ if (fas ^ V GILO Book. > A 5l b_£J ._ CopyiightTs T ?_ w ft A- COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. *A W J -<-^ ^5 E- 'S f. rf ¥**> <&■ -3v\A- Q o o W X i- w > o •3 ■■ \ HANDY DRAMAS FOR AMATEUR ACTORS NEW PIECES FOR HOME, SCHOOL AND PUBLIC ENTER T A I N M E N T BY GEORGE M. BAKER AUTHOR OF "AMATEUR DRAMAS," "THE MIMIC STAGE," "THE SOCIAL STAGE," "THE DRAWING ROOM STAGE," "THE EXHIBITION DRAMA," ETC. ILLUSTRATED BOSTON: LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS NEW YORK: CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM HANDY DRAMAS FOR AMATEUR ACTORS NEW PIECES FOR florae, School anti public Entertainment T -» •. r t9 1904 BY GEORGE M. BAKER 3 f •(Illustrated) CONTAINING The Flower of the Family A Mysterious Disappearance Above the Clouds Shall Our Mothers Vote Paddle Your Own Canoe One Hundred Years Ago The Little Brown Jug Seeing the Elephant Copyrigh -, 1876, by George M. Baker COPYKIGHT, 1904, BY EMILY F. BaKER (iN RENEWAL. CONTENTS. -»<>•- THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. . Comedy. 3 Acts. A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE. Farce. 1 ABOVE THE CLOUDS Drama. 2 SHALL OUR MOTHERS VOTE? . Farce. 1 PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. . . Farce. 1 ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. . . Drama. 2 THE LITTLE BROWN JUG. . . Drama. 3 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. . . . Farce. 1 Page . 3 . 73 . 99 . 1G9 . 189 . 219 . 269 . 333 All the Plays in this book are sold separately. Price 15 cents. PKEFACE. -•o*- This volume, like the previous issues of the "Ama- teur Drama Series," owes its appearance to the success of its predecessors, and the always brisk demand for new pieces adapted to the capabilities of non-profes- sional actors, a rapidly increasing class, whose efforts are as often put forth with commendable spirit in the cause of Charity, as for the amusement and entertainment of themselves, their neighbors and friends. Of the " Handy Dramas " herein published, " Above the Clouds," "The Flower of the Family," "A Mysterious Disappearance," " Paddle your own Canoe," and " Shall Our Mothers Vote ? " are now first published. The remaining three were published separately, and are now republished that they may have a place in the uniform series. In the preparation of this class of pieces the author is necessarily restricted in his outlay of scenery, the item "regardless of expense," so often used on the play-bills, being unknown in the amateur code, where economy of scenery, properties, costumes, 5 6 PEEFACE. and even stage room, is often a serious consideration. Still, with all these drawbacks, the previous ventures in this line have oftentimes had a remarkable success. The author, therefore, is well satisfied with his " recep- tions " among amateurs, and trusts that on this occasion they will have no reason to find fault with their old acquaintance as he offers his sixth volume for their inspection. G. M. B. No. 207 West Speingfield St., Boston. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS. CHARACTERS. Abner Howland, a Merchant. Oscar Loring, his Ward. Tom Howland, his Nephew. Policy Newcomb, an Insurance Agent. Spicer Spofford, Clerk in an Insurance Office. Mrs. Gordon Howland, a Widow. Alice Howland, her Daughter. Lina Howland, Abner's adopted Daughter. COSTUMES. Modern and appropriate Summer Dresses. Abner. Light pants; white vest; shoes; white stockings; Panama hat ; long, white hair ; dark coat, thin. Oscar. First dress : Dark pants, tucked into long boots ; blue flannel shirt, sleeves rolled up; red handkerchief tied about his head. Second dress : Light suit, with straw hat, blue ribbon. Policy Newoomb. Light pants; white vest, very long thin gray coat; broad- brimmed straw hat; bald wig, with red curly hair, and "dabs " of side-whiskers. Spicer Spofford. Very fashionable suit; light curly wig; light mustache ; eye-glass and cane. 3 4 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Mrs. Gordon Howland. Black bombazine dress; white widow's cap ; neat gray hair. Alice. ) Act 1 : Pretty muslin morning dresses. Acts 2 and 3 : lice. ) [na. y Lina. y Afternoon dresses, to suit taste. This play is modelled after the now fashionable "Society" plays, where taste in setting the stage, and in the selection of apparel for both male and female characters, is indispensably necessary to success. No extravagant characters — with the exception of " Spofford," something of the " Dundreary " style, and Newcomb, of the "Col. Sellers" type — are introduced; the author's design being to present an every-day story, with a home setting, in which people we meet are the actors. 207 Springfield Street, Boston, July 25, 1876. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Act I. — Scene : Handsome apartment in Abner Howland's house. Doors opening to garden, c. in flat. Windovi l. in flat, with lace curtain. Easy- chair at window. Mantel with clock ; vases and or- naments r. Tinder mantel, work-basket, with chair beside it. Door l. l. c. opposite door, table with damask cover, writing materials on it. Mrs. How- land in chair l. of table, sewing. Abner How- land seated r. of table, with newspaper. Abner. Now I'm not going into a passion. I don't blame yon, sister, but I say, emphatically and decidedly, this absurd flirtation must be stopped. Mrs. H. But, Abner — Abner. Don't but against my decision. I can't, shan't, and won't allow it. This fop, this dandy, this Spicer Spofford, — bah! the name's enough to sicken one, — has gained access to my house on the pretence that he was a dear friend of your husband, my brother. Pretence, mind you, for Gordon was a plain, blunt man, thirty years older than this whipper-snapper. Do you suppose Gordon could have formed a friendship with this walking clothes-horse, who is no credit to anybody but his tailor ? 5 6 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Mrs. H. Don't be unjust, Abner; you know noth- ing against the man, and he can make himself very- agreeable. Abner. So it seems ; for without as much as " by your leave" to me, her adopted father, he makes love to Lina. It's absurd, ridiculous ! He's a fortune- hunter. Mrs. H. Ah, there you are wrong, for by your de- sire Lina passes for my daughter. Abner. True ; when I went abroad, ten years ago, I left this child of an old friend — a child whom I had adopted — to be brought up by you, to call you " moth- er " and me " uncle," for then I had made up my mind she should marry my ward, Oscar Loiing, on his return. Gordon was a poor man then, and I feared, were it known that she was to be the heiress of a rich old bachelor, some fortune-hunter would snatch her before my return. Mrs^H. I suspected this was your intention. Abner. I've no doubt of it. Trust a woman for smelling a match. Well, I came back a year ago to find that Gordon had embarked in speculation, gained a small fortune, but, continuing his risks, had lost all, and died a poor man. Mrs. H. Gordon was a good, kind husband and father, and a Christian. Abner. No doubt of it. A good Christian, but a poor speculator. * Mrs. JET. He never meant to leave me penniless. Often in the midst of his speculations he said to me, " Fear not, wife ; should I fail, you are well provided for." THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 7 Abner. Humph ! the old house at Mayburn, with nothing to live upon ; poor provision that. Gordon was always too generous ; he didn't look out for him- self. Not like me — I'm all for self. Mrs. H, You, Abner? the most kind and gen- erous — Abner, No such thing. There's my ward, he will be a rich man. I expect him every day. With Lin a for his wife, I shall have made comfortable provision for her future. No more expense on her account. But now, in steps this fellow, who must have found some clue to her expectations, and is trying to win her for my money. I tell you, sister, I don't like it. Mrs. JET. Then why not tell him so, Abner? Abner. And raise a flame where now there's but a spark. No, no, I've too old a head for that. But you ought to know some way to stop it. Women who are so handy at making matches must surely have some reserved power with which to break them when occa- sion requires. Mrs. H. Ah, but Lina evidently favors Mr. Spof- ford's attentions. 'Twould never do for me to inter- fere. Were it my own -daughter, Alice — Abner. Then I should have nothing to say. Alice is all well enough ; too much given to romping, racing, riding, and fishing — Mrs, H. And equally well skilled in washing, sew- ing, and cooking. Abner. O, yes ; Alice is a good girl, and will make some poor fellow a capital wife ; but to pick out my Lina, the flower of the family, — one in a thousand, — • 8 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. graceful, beautiful, accomplished, — fit mate for a prince, it's — it's — wicked. Mrs. H. But if she loves him. Abner, I won't let her; 'twould break Oscar's heart. Mrs. H, They have never met. Abner. But my letters to him have been filled with praises of her. He must be half in love with her from my description, and the sight of her will complete the conquest. But if he comes and finds this dandy — O, it's absurd, ridiculous ! Mrs. H. I wish I could help you ; but 'twould be unkind for me to interfere. I am but a dependent here. Abner. Now, stop that; stop it, I say. You a dependent ! You are my unlucky brother's widow. You shared his poverty, and you have a right to share my prosperity; for had I died before him, all I have would have been his. Dependent — you ! Why, you have brightened my dull old bachelor quarters with a woman's cheering influence, and made me a dependent upon you for comfort, peace, and happiness. I am the gainer, not you ; and you know I am all for self; so don't talk of dependence. Tell me some way to get rid of this intruder. Can't you manage to give him a hint that his company is no longer agreeable ? Mrs. H. I suppose I could. Abner. And you will, Mary, when I confess to you that this match has become something more than a desire, — that on it depends my fortune. Mrs. IT. Your fortune, Abner ? THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 9 Abner. Yes. I am terribly embarrassed. My real estate is heavily encumbered, and ill luck everywhere is following my investments. One of our steamers blew up at the wharf: no dividends there. A train smashed on our railroad : heavy damages, and no dividends for a long time. The White Squall is a month overdue. Three months ago I borrowed fifty thousand dollars of my shipbuilders, Silas Warner & Co., pledging the cargo of the White Squall for its repayment. She's overdue. Something's the matter with her insurance ; and the Warners are frightened — threaten to attach this place. And the fat 's sizzling in the fire gener- ally. Mrs. H. And I have heard nothing of this. Abner. Well, you see, I've been expecting Oscar every day. He is of age. I hold large sums belonging to him, which I would not touch without his consent, though ruin threatened me. Were he at home, he would help me until the White Squall arrived. But now, how can I ask his help should the girl I have promised him be won by another ? Mrs. H. Abner, you should have told me of this. There is my old house at Mayburn, just as I left it when Gordon died ; sell it, with all it contains. You can surely raise money by its sale. Abner. No, no ; if my house goes with the rest, you must have a home, Mary. No, no ; not that. Mrs. H. And yet, Abner, you are all for self. If this is selfishness, how near it is akin to nobility. Abner. O, tut ! tut ! tut ! Help me to get rid of this man. 10 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Mrs. H. His next visit shall be his last. I will promise you that. Abner. Good ; you promise. I feel better, for I know you will not fail me. Lina {outside a). You are just as hateful as you can be, Tom Howland. Abner. There's Lina, and quarrelling with Tom, as usual. Do you know, Mary, I had fears, when Tom came here, that he would fall in love with Lina; but they quarrel every day, and evidently detest each other. Mrs. U. I cannot imagine what has come over Tom, he was always so gentle in the old place, Abner. O, it's all right. Let them fight, if it keeps them from falling in love. I'm just selfish enough to enjoy it. {Enter Lina, c, holding her apron filled with flowers. She conies down l.) Lina. I've had glorious luck, mother, fornging in Tom's flower-beds. Aren't they sweet ? ( Takes a hand- ful, and showers them on Mrs. H.'s head into her lap.) And isn't he just raving. He chased me with a rake ; but the rake's progress, unlike Hogarth's, was rather slow, and I escaped. Here, uncle, a rosebud for your coat {comes back of table to r. of Abner). Let me fasten it {places rose in coat). There now, you are adorned for conquest. Prepare, O city maidens, to be captivated. Who will be this old man's darling. Pre- pare to be caught. Abner. My darling is already caught {slips his arm about her waist). THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 11 Lina. Do you think so ? Haste makes waist (slijis away.) free, uncle. Ha, ha ! I'll not let you spoil my posies. I want them for my vases {goes to mantel, and arranges flowers). Abner {to Mrs. H.). Now, isn't she just splendid. Ah, Mary, if your girl only had her winning sweetness, her beauty, her grace, what a pair they would make. Mrs. H. O, she's sweet, Abner. But then, like you, I'm a bit selfish, and my Alice just suits me. Abner. Lina, you're a wild thing; you want a hus- band to tame you. Lina. Do I ? Whose husband do I want ? Abner. Whose husband ? Well, say mine. Lina. I'll say what you like, uncle, but I'll have my own. Abner. Oscar Loring is my choice. Lina. You may have him ; but I can't imagine what a man is to do with a husband. Abner. Marry him to the girl he loves best. Lina. Hadn't he better marry the girl he loves best himself. Abner. Not when she is his daughter. Lina. Ha, ha, ha ! Uncle, I'm caught at last. But Oscar Loring I have never seen. You are a mer- chant. You don't expect to sell goods without a sample. Abner. You shall see the goods, and I know you'll like the pattern. Lina. I shouldn't like a pattern husband {stands bach). There, look at my flowers ; aren't they lovely ? If I could only have secured a few geraniums before 12 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Tom surprised me; he's so stingy. I watched my chance, and when his back was turned, went through the beds as Sherman marched to the sea {sings). Hurrah ! hurrah ! for Tom has left them free ; Hurrah ! hurrah ! the choicest now for me ; Marching over flower-beds with none to hinder me, Gayly assailing Botania. {Enter Tom c. with a rake ; stops in doorway.) Tom. Bo-tania! Look here, Lina, if I catch you among my flower-beds again, I'll tan you without any Bo. Lina. Who cares for you, grubber. I wouldn't make such a fuss about a few flowers. Tom. Few ! Hear that. My prize geraniums ! You would have torn them from their mother earth, ruthlessly despoiled my beds of their beauties. Lina. Who is to see these beauties, if they lie abed forever ? Tom. O, you're a nuisance. Lina. You're another. Mrs. H. Children ! Abner. Don't interfere. Let them spat. I like it. Tom. I tell you, Miss Lina, private rights must be respected. Here I slave in the garden day after day, for what? Lina. Exercise, I suppose. You don't accomplish much. Tom. That's false. My flowers are the admiration of the whole neighborhood ; they overtop everything. Lina. Yes, that patch of sunflowers is a towering monument of your skill. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 13 Tom. Look at my dahlias. Lina. I try, Thomas ; but your cabbages put their heads together to prevent my seeing them. Tom.. You are trifling with my horticultural aspi- rations. Lina. Where do they grow ? They must be rare plants to have such stupendous titles. Tom. O, I won't talk with you {stands his raJce against side of door next window, and goes to win- dow). Lina (sings). "Nobody axed you, sir, she said." Tom. I detest you. Lina. Do you ? Then we shall never be separated on account of incompatibility of temper. Tom. I wish somebody would carry you off and marry you. Lina. I mean to be married first, and carried off afterwards. Tom. You're a goose ! Lina. You're a donkey ! Tom (grimacing) . Ya ! Ya ! Ya ! Lina (grimacing). Bray, donkey, bray ! (Tom flings himself into chair at window. Lina seats herself by work-basket, and busies herself icith worsted. Abnee, looks at his watch.) Abner. Ten o'clock. I must be getting up to town. Can I bring you anything, Lina? Tom. Yes, uncle, bring out a muzzle. Lina. Do they muzzle donkeys, uncle ? By all means, let Tom have the proper harness. Tom. I spoke for you, Miss Impudence. 14 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Lina. Indeed ! Don't rob yourself on my account {lifting her dress). There's muslin enough here forme. Alice {outside a). All aboard. All aboard. Boat's at the landing; bait's in the boat; skipper's looking for a crew {appears in doorway vrith bag swung at her side, fishing-pole in hand). And I'm the skipper, thank you. O, here you are. It's a glorious day for sport. Who'll go ? Come, Tom, forsake your favorite earth " For the deep, blue, boundless sea." Tom. No, I thank you. Fishing 's cruel sport ; I don't like it. Lina. You'll never be accused of cruelty, Tom. Tom. Do you mean to say I can't fish ? Lina. Indeed you can. " With perseverance worthy of a better cause," all day, and never a nibble. Tom. O, I've hooked something in my day. Lina. It must have been in your schooldays, when you hooked Jack. Alice. Don't tease him, Lina. Come, Tom ; I'll let you take ofF my fish. Tom. No, I thank you ; I've other fish to fry. Alice. Then I won't interfere with your cooking. Come, Nunky, you try the rod with me. Abner. I should be delighted, but I must go to town. Alice. Lina? Lina. Don't ask me; you know I am not a lover of manly sports. Alice (icith a mock courtesy). Ahem! The flower THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 15 of the family has spoken. By the way, shouldn't flirtation be classed as a manly sport? Ha, ha! Lina, you're no lover of manly sports, O, no. Ybic are an accomplished young lady, skilled in drawing, painting, music, and all those «r£-ful ways which make charming girls; while I — I love to race across the green; to drive the black horses at their topmost speed ; to pull a boat ; and, when nobody's looking, to climb a tree. I want exercise, freedom, a brisk breeze upon my cheek, blue waves dancing about me. O, that's just glorious ! Abner. Yes, yes, that's all well enough, Alice; but you're too boisterous. A woman's place is inside the house ; she should be gentle, devoted to household affairs, soft of step, sweet-voiced. These are the qualities that beautify woman, and what every man hopes to find in a wife. Alice (together). Hear, hear, hear ! O, Nunky, when do you expect to find yours ? I know you've a poor opinion of little wild me. But don't be discouraged ; one of these days I may turn about and be an honor to you. I hope I may, for you have always been a kind — Abner. There, there, stop that. Alice. I'm off. Wish I could drum up a recruit. By the way, I had a dream last night. Lina. A dream ? Tom. That's nothing. I had the nightmare. Lina. How natural. " Birds of a feather," Tom. 16 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Tom. You be hanged ! Mrs. H. Children ! Abner. Don't interfere, Mary. Alice. Yes. I dreamed I was in my boat on the lake, and a pickerel — such a beauty ! — took my hook. He weighed fifteen pounds. Tom. What a whopper ! Alice. He was". Tom, don't interrupt. I drew him into the boat ; and what do you think he did ? Tom. Died, of course. Tina. ~No ; died of exposure. Alice. He raised himself erect, and, with a tear in his eye, a tremor in his voice — Tom. And a hook in his gills. Alice. — Asked me to marry him. Tina. Poor fellow. Knew he was to be cooked, and wanted a mess-mate. Did you accept him ? Alice. No, Lina. I served him as you do your admirers {points to bag). I sacked him. Tina. What a lucky escape from becoming a mer- maid. Alice. Now I'm going to catch him in earnest ; and if I succeed, and he asks me to marry him, I'll send him to you for your official sanction. Abner. If he comes to me, I'll eat him. Alice. Ha, ha, ha! And serve him right. Good- bye to you, and good luck to me ! {goes up to door c. — Policy Newcomb enters / pole strikes his eye ; he ejaculates " Oh ! " claps his hand to his eye ; hits the rake and sends it down upon Tom's head / then comes e. c. holding his hand to his eye. Tom jumps up, THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 17 ♦ rubbing his head. Alice stands in door, looking at Policy an instant). I really beg your pardon, sir, but you should keep your eyes open. [Exit. Policy. Don't apologize, it's all right. What is the loss of an eye or two to the happy possessor of a ten thousand dollar accident policy, who draws a weekly stipend of fifty dollars for the time he is dis- abled. That eye ought to be good for six weeks (?'ubs it). No, confound it, it's all right. Abner. Does your eye pain you ? Policy. No. I wish it did. I've had the worst kind of luck with that policy in a railroad smash-up twice ; not a hair of my head injured. Blown up in a steamboat explosion, and landed safe in a rival boat. Run away with by a furious horse : he went over a precipice ; I went safely into a tree. An unfortunate investment ; it's on its last day, and I've not a scar to show. Lina {aside). Crying because he's not hurt. The man 's a fool. Abner. And you came here to tell us of your mis- fortunes ? Policy. Eh. I beg your pardon (gives letter). Read that, if you please. {Aside) Nice snug quarters ; luxury and comfort. Policy, my boy, you're in luck this time. Abner {after reading letter). Ah, I understand. Mr. Newcomb, I believe. Policy {bombastically). Policy Newcomb, agent for the " Live-for-Ever Life," the " Never-say-die Endow- ment," and the " Blow-up and Bust-up Accident " insur- 2 18 THE FLO WEE OF THE FAMILY. ance companies ; three of the noblest institutions in the country, sir ; with marble buildings in every large city, sir ; high-salaried officials, sir, who ride in their carriages, sir; liveried coachmen, and servants at their beck and call, sir. Institutions which draw in millions of the savings of all classes, sir, and pay out nobly, sir (aside), when they can't help it. . Abner. From this letter, I understand we are to have the pleasure of your society for a few days. Policy. Exactly. Sheriff Thorne — Abner {interrupting). I understand. Let all busi- ness matters be settled in private. Mrs. Howland, Mr. Newcomb will stop with us. Mrs. H. I'm sure any friend of yours — Abner. Will be heartily welcome, of course. Will you find a room for Mr. Newcomb ? He may wish to change — Policy. Nothing at present. My superfluous linen will follow me (aside) wherever I go. Still a little soap and water might be of service — Mrs. IT. O, certainly. (Pises. Abner steps up to her.) Abner. Mary, what I feared has come. This man is a keeper. Keep it from the girls. Mrs. H. I will be careful (crosses to e.). Mr. New- comb, will you follow me ? \JExit u. Policy. With pleasure. (Aside) I've seen that lady's face before (going). Abner. Mr. Newcomb, make yourself at home here. I will see you again. Just now, I must go to town. Policy (returning). To town ? How? may I ask. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 19 Abnsr. Behind a pair of fast trotters (goes up stage). Policy. Fast trotters (rims after him and brings him down). Mr. Howland, one word (emphatically). Are yon insured ? Abner. Insured ? Policy (tragically). Pause, reflect, ponder. Fast trotters are sleek-coated demons. There is frenzy in their eyes, madness in their hearts, delusion in their heels. In their company your life is but a hair's-breadth, a horsehair's-breadth from destruction. Pause ere it is too late. Let me write you for ten thousand in the Bust-up and Blow-up Accident Company. The outlay is small ; the profit, should you be mangled or crippled, large ; should you perish by accident, immense. Abner. Mr. Newcomb, I've no time — Policy. Think of those infuriated steeds in a mo- ment of frenzy forsaking the peaceful, macadamized road, dashing with you at headlong speed to the brink of a frightful precipice. What supreme delight would animate your breast, as you hung over that frightful abyss, from which nothing could save you, to know you had in your pocket that priceless policy for ten thousand dollars. Abner. Ha, ha, ha ! Not to-day, thank you Mr. Newcomb. I know my horses better than I know your company. I'll take my own risk. Good-bye, Lina. I'll be back to tea. Lina. Good-bye, uncle ; a pleasant ride ! Abner. Good morning, Mr. Newcornb. Mrs. How- land is waiting for you, and she'll insure you — ha, ha, ha ! — good accommodation. \Exit c. 20 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Policy. He don't bite. Laugh away ; but a jocular vein won't save the jugular {going e. sees Lina). What a pretty girl (stops and looks at her worlc). Ah, fancy work. Do you like that, miss ? Lina. O, yes ; don't you ? Policy. Me ? I think croquet is one of the most fascinating employments of the fair sex. Lina. Indeed ! What excellent taste ! Hence- forth my work will be a pastime (laughs). Policy (aside). She's making game of me. (Aloud) But don't you think it's a little bit wearing on the eyes ? Lina. It must be, especially after contact with such a hard substance as a fishing-pole. Policy (aside). Hem! sharp's the word there. (Aloud) Good morning (toalJcs off~R. 1st e. very stiff. Tom watches him off, then runs down to Lina, kneels, and puts his arm about her icaist). Tom. Darling, we are alone once more. Lina. Yes, Tom, " the cruel war is over " again. Tom. Yes, sweetheart, we can now dismiss the frown from our brows, the venom from our tongues, and be again a happy pair of lovers. Lina. O Tom, you can't imagine how hard it is for me to speak so sharply to you, whom I love so dearly. Tom. Yes, I can. " A fellow feeling," you know. Forgive me for all the hard words I have spoken. Lina. As I hope to be forgiven. Tom. It's our only course, Lina. War before others ; love and peace in secret. If Uncle Abncr knew I dared to love you — THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 21 Lina. He would lock me up, send you away, and, O, dear! I tremble at the thought; but, fortunately, Mr. Spofford, my Spicer, is the suspected party, and not Tom Rowland. Tom. Spofford ! Lina, I hate that man. To see him with his infernal eye-glass ogling you; to hear his silly speeches ; to watch his confident assurance that he has captivated you. Lina, I try to be patient; but I know some day I shall pound that chap. Lina. And ruin your prospects. No, Tom, be patient still. The other will soon appear, and then I'll chtinge my tactics. Tom. Indeed ; and be as deeply interested in him as you now seem to be with Spofford. That's con- soling. Lina. Well, where's the harm ? If I can fascinate him, will not my powers of attraction be enhanced ? Shall I not be a richer prize for you to win? Tom. And I shall win you ? Assure me of that, and I care not how many suitors flicker about the flame that burns for me alone. Lina. That's very pretty, Tom. Be comforted ; my hand is yours when you shall dare to claim it. Torn {seizing her hand). 'Tis the dearest little hand in the wide, wide world (kisses it frantically. Policy enters b. 1 e. wiping his hands with his handkerchief). Policy. Ahem ! (Lina screams and bends over her work. Tom jumps up and goes to table with his back to Lina. Policy looks from one to the other, then steps to c. / looks at each again slowly, then) Policy. If I had only known — but I didn't. You 22 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. see I am a new-comer ; not used to the ways of the house; but it's all right. I'm blind (pointedly to Lina), color-blind. I shall take occasion to congratu- late Mr. Howland — Tom {turning to Newcomb). Not for the world. Open your lips to speak of what you have here seen, and we are ruined. Policy. You don't say so ! Tom. I cannot explain the circumstances under which we are placed ; but, as you say, it's all right. And I am ready to buy your silence, if it is necessary. Policy {indignantly). Buy? Buy me? Young man, are you insured ? Tom. No. Policy. No? Young man, look at that fair, blush- ing face bending in happy confusion over her work- basket. She loves you ; you love her ; you love and live together. You would draw her from her secluded and happy home to share your fortunes. You would do this, rash youth, knowing the uncertainty of life, with a full knowledge that in your daily walks a brick from some towering chimney might fall upon your head to crush you; two bricks, perhaps, with but a single thought — to mash you. Be wise ; secure her future before you attempt to secure her. Let me write you for ten thousand in the Never-say-Die, and then you may laugh at fate, and, beneath a pile of bricks, triumphantly smile to know the loved one re- joices in the possession of that policy. Tom. Yes ; I see what you want. If I take a policy, your mouth is sealed. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 23 Policy. We never go back on our policy-holders. Tom. Well. (Aside) Confound this fellow! (Aloud) I'll reflect upon it. Policy. There's no time like the present (takes circular from his pocket). Here, look at our state- ment, — surplus enormous. Tom (aside). O, bother (takes paper, and goes up to windoio. Policy follows, and talks in pantomime). Lina (laughs). Poor Tom! his troubles have com- menced. If he hadn't been quite so handy with his kisses, this miserable man would never have had it in his power to make us tremble in his presence. Tom (pointing to window). O, yes ; those are mine; raised them myself. I'm something of a gar- dener. Stroll out, and look over the beds. I'll join you presently. Policy. Thank you, I will (comes down with Tom, and takes his hat from table). I'm a Conner sure in garden sass. I'll look up your mammoth cabbages. I don't care much for roses, but among the green 'uns (at door) I'm at home (Exit. Tom watches him off). Tom. Lina ! Lina. Tom ! (Reenter Policy, c.) Policy. By the way, you'll want an accident policy to go with — Tom (angrily).. Mr. Newcomb, I want nothing but to be rid of your inf — delightful society for ten minutes. Policy. Don't get mad. It is your interest I have at heart. You are a gardener, in hourly danger of 24 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. having your foot split open with a hoe, or your head scraped with a rake; or — or — of being stung by some poisonous reptile — a toad, or a bull-frog. What a salve would it be to your wounded anatomy, should you — Tom. Another word, and no policy for me. I'd sooner take the consequences. Policy {aside). That policy wouldn't suit this pol- icy. {Aloud) O, very well. I leave the matter to your calm consideration ; but remember, there are vital interests at stake. . \_JExit c. Tom. There's a martyr at the stake, that's sure. O, Lina, what's to be done ? Lina. Don't ask me; you've brought this upon yourself. Tom. Brought this upon myself? Well, I like that! Lina. And I don't like it. You've compromised me, sold yourself to that hateful insurance thing, and ruined our prospects. Tom. Well, you had a hand in it — a very pretty one, too. Don't be angry, Lina ; I'll find some way to insure our safety. Lina. Indeed! Haven't you had enough of in- surance yet? Tom. Don't be cruel {bending over her tenderly, with clasped hands). Nothing shall part us. Alice {outside a). Come right in ; never mind the water. Tom. The deuce ! {runs to table / picks up a booh ; sits in chair l. of table, and reads. Miter c. Alice. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 25 She comes down to table. Oscar appears in doorway / stops there.) Alice (as she enters). Nobody will mind your ap- pearance. A shipwrecked mariner finds sympathy all the world over. Oscar. You are very kind; but people are not fond of having shipwrecked mariners deluge their car- pets with briny tears. I think I'll stop outside. Alice. Come in ; I insist. Nobody will eat you. Tom (aside). I should say not; a less tempting morsel I never saw. Oscar. O, very well, if you insist (comes down). And now I am here, will you be good enough to tell me where I am, and to whom I am indebted for hos- pitality. Alice. This is the residence of Mr. Abner Howland. Oscar (starting). Abner Howland ! Alice. That lovely young lady yonder is Miss Lina Howland. Oscar (bows to Lina). (Aside) My guardian's choice. Well, well ! he told but half the truth. Alice. That studious young gentleman there is Mr. Tom Howland. Oscar (bows and shakes hands with Tom). Glad to meet you, sir. Br-r-r (shivers). Tom (aside). A chilling reception. Oscar (to Alice). And you ? Alice (laughs) . O, I'm — I'm — nobody. Oscar. Indeed ! Then I am indebted to Nobody for my life, for which I am truly grateful (bows to Alice. She acknowledges). Miss Howland, and you, 26 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Mr. Howland, will, I trust, pardon this damp intrusion, when I inform you that (sneezes) I've caught a cold. Where was I ? O, having arrived last night at the cosy little hotel at Mayburn, and catching — (sneezes) Tom (aside). Hope it is not catching here. Oscar. — Catching a glimpse of the lake this morn- ing, I was seized with — (sneezes) — a desire to have a pull — (sneezes) Tom (aside). That's a pull back. Oscar. — On its placid waters. I equipped myself in this rather unfashionable suit, obtained a boat r and for a time — (sneezes) Tom (aside). That's for the fifth time. Oscar. — Enjoyed myself hugely, until seeing this young lady, Miss Nobody — (sneezes) Topi (aside). Must have had a delightful duet. Oscar. — Fishing, I made a quick turn to see what she was catching. Alice. Caught a crab, and capsized the boat, that's all. Oscar. "No, that's not all ; for you at once rowed to my assistance. Just in time, too, for these heavy boots were fast dragging me to the bottom (sneezes). Tom (aside). I'm glad he's touched bottom. Lina. O, Ally, has your dream come true ? Alice. Lina, don't you dare speak of that. Oscar. A dream ! That's good. What was it ? Dreams are so delightful — (shivers) Tom (aside). He shivers with delight. Oscar. — When young ladies tell them. Lina. O, this was the queerest — THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 27 Alice. Lina Howland ! if you tell — Lina. I will. You must know, Mr. — By the way, you have not introduced yourself! Oscar. No ? {Aside) I don't mean to, either. {Aloud) O, certainly, I must introduce myself {claps hand to his breast). I've left my cards at the hotel {shivers) ; and then I'm so flustered by being in the water so long {shivers) ; and this costume is not exactly fitted for a ceremonious call ; so, if you please, for the pres- ent I will be — Mr. Nobody {sneezes). Tom {aside). Nobody ! He must be the great Julius Sneezer ! But, my dear fellow, you must, be very damp and miserable, soaked with water ; fortu- nately, I can furnish you with a change of raiment. I won't answer for the fit. Oscar. Anything will answer, thank you {sneezes violently). Tom. You couldn't have a worse fit than that. Oscar. But I'm anxious to hear about the dream. Alice. That story will keep. Attend to your com- fort, I beg. Tom {comes e.). Do, old fellow, make yourself comfortable and presentable ; for you certainly are not making a favorable impression, either upon the ladies or the carpet. Come. Oscar {comes to e., turns and bows). Excuse me, ladies. {Aside) I have fallen unawares into my guar- dian's cosy nest. Unknown, I will learn more of my promised bride, and Miss Nobody. {Follows Tom off, e. 1st E.) Lina. So you have fished to some purpose to-day. 28 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Alice. Have I ? I've always been told that there is as good fish in the sea as ever was caught ; but let's wait until mine is properly dressed. Lina. His address is that of a gentleman. Alice. He is a gentleman. You should have heard his talk in the boat. Such expressions of gratitude ! such a glow ! such a — really, it almost upset me. Lina. No wonder; your boat is so small. Alice. Then, his eyes ! Did you ever see finer ? Lina. Ha, ha, ha ! the dream is certainly coming true. Alice. Nonsense, Lina! Do you suppose he will give a second glance at such an insignificant romp as I? Lina. No doubt of it ! and with as much expres- sion in those eyes — did you ever see finer, Ally? — as endangered your safety in the boat. Ha, ha, ha ! Alice. I won't give him the chance. I'll keep out of his way until he leaves the house. Lina. Do, Ally. That will make him crazy to return. That's strategy, Ally. Alice. Lina, you are provoking. Lina. It is the smitten heart that feels the smart. (Spofford ap>pears in door c. with eye-glass to his eye?) The wounded bird "that flutters. Spofford {comes down a). Yah, yah, yah !* that's me ! Alice ") ZmJ Mr - S P° fford! Spofford. .Yah, yah, yah! Spofford 's the wounded bird that flutters wound the candle. * Meaning " Yes, yes, yes ! " THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 29 Alice. Ha, ha, ha ! "Pis the moth that flutters round the candle. Spofford. Ith it ? Yah, yah ! I didn't know what kind of a bird it was. But I'd just as lives be a moth- bird as any other. Lina. And where's the candle, Spicer dear ? {takes his r. arm and looks up into his face.) Spofford {aside). Spicer dear! She weally loves me. {Aloud, looking down at her tenderly) And can you weally ask, Lina dear? Lina. Ha, ha, ha ! So I'm a candle ! Spofford. No, no, noJ Not a weal candle, you know ; but something bwilliant ! Alice. Gas-light, for instance. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! But the candle 's — wax candle, you know — not a bad idea, because you're so finely moulded. Alice {aside). And have a stick to support you. Lina. Mr. Spofford, that was really a fine compliment. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! I thought you'd like it — the candle — made it out of my own head. Lina. O, Spicer dear, how lonesome we should be without your daily visits ! Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Fisher says to me this morning — Fisher, you know, is the landlord at the hotel over at Mayburn. Rough fellow, Fisher ; but he amuses me, Fisher does. Eats with his knife, you know — Yah, yah, yah ! Fisher says, " What will the young ladies do without you over at Squire Howland's? They can't play croquet on the lawn when you are gone." Then I said a good thing — a deuthid bright thing. 30 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Lina. You ? Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! I said they'll be more for- lawn than ever ! Yah, yah, yah ! Wasn't that good ? Lina (wonderingly). More for Lawn ? Alice (slowly) . More — for — lawn ? Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Don't you thee ? You won't go to the lawn ; but you'll be more for going to the lawn ; that is, you'll wish that you could go for more lawn ; and you'd be lawn for — Deuth take it, I've got mixed somehow ; but that forlorn idea was good ; made it out of my own head. Alice (sighs). High-ho ! Spofford. What's the master with Mith Alice ? Lina. Low spirits, I guess. Spofford. What the deuth makes folks say high- ho, when they're in low spirits ? Lina. You haven't said a word to her. Spofford. O, she's jealous. (Aside) She's in love with me too, poor thing ! (Aloud) Mith Alice, can you tell me why my left arm is stronger than my right ? Alice. Your left arm stronger than your right ? Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Alice. No ; I'm sure I cannot. Spofford. Because, you see, while there's more on my right arm it's Lina, and my left has something to spare. Alice (loclcing her arm in his, l.). I see, something to spare me. Now that was very good. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! I thought you'd like that ; made it out of my own head. Alice (aside). There's nothing to spare there (they promenade to left). THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 31 Spofford. Now, what shall we do this morning; play- croquet or ride ? ( Turn to e. and promenade back.) Lina. Croquet, of course. Alice. Ride, by all means. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah! Croquet and ride. Lina. No ; croquet will be sufficient. I don't care to ride. Alice. And I don't care to play croquet. Spofford {stopping in a). Yah, yah, yah ! Lina. I insist upon croquet. Alice. The mallets are locked up in my room, and will not come out this morning. Lina. I will not ride, and you cannot go without me. Alice. O yes, we can. Can't we, Mr. Spofford ? Spofford. Well, now, weally — * Lina {goes e.). I understand you prefer Ally's company to mine ! Alice {goes l.). Two is company, and three is none. I understand ! Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! But, the deuce ! Take two from one, and nothing remains. What am I ? Alice. A cipher, of course. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! I sigh-for company ! Now that's a sudden thing, but it's good — that cipher — made out of my own head {looks at each). Poor things ! I've fascinated both ; but I can't marry but one. Why wasn't I born a Mormon ? {Enter Mrs. Howland, e. 1 e.) Ah, good morning, Mrs. Howland. Mrs. H. Good morning, Mr. Spofford. I am glad you called. I wish to speak with you alone. 32 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Certainly. {Aside) Alone ! What the deuce is the matter now? {Miter Tom, r. 1 E.) Tom. I've induced our unknown friend to crawl into bed, after rattling down my meerschaums and other ornaments with his confounded shivering and sneezing ; and I'm going over to Mayburn to get him a dry suit. Mrs. H. Take the girls with you, Tom ; they'll enjoy the ride. Alice. Not I, mother. I'll take the opportunity of your entertaining Mr. Spofford — alone, to divest my- self of my fishing-skirt. Don't be alarmed. I'll not disturb your delightful tete-a-tete. \_JExit door l. Lina. And I'll go with Tom, mother. I don't think I shall enjoy the ride in his society; but to oblige you — Tom. O, humbug ! You're dying to go ; you know you are ; but I won't have you. You'll scare the horse. Lina. What a pity that would be! You're such a poor driver. Now I will go, just to spite you. There's a short cut to the stable across the dahlia bed {going), Tom. If you dare cross that, you'll catch it. IAna. Stop me if you can, booby {runs off c). Tom {running after her). Stop, I say! Plague! torment ! nuisance ! [Exit c. Mrs. H. {seating herself 'l. of table). Mr. Spofford, please take a seat. Spofford {seating himself e. of table). Yah, yah, yah ! THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 33 Mrs. H. As a friend of ray late husband, you were kind enough to search me out, and tender your sym- pathy. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Mr. Howland, your late departed, was a nice man, he was. Used to lend me small sums, and didn't dun me. I always liked Mr. Howland. 'Twas mighty inconvenient, his dying. Mrs. H. Your sympathy was very kind ; and were I in my own house — Spofford. Now, don't apologize. It makes no dif- ference to me. I'm just as glad to see you here as if it was your own house. Mrs. II. Yes ; but still there is a difference — Spofford. Not the least. I can call anywhere. I have a way of making myself at home at all times and in all places. Mrs. H. Still*, I am compelled by circumstances to thank you for your kindness, and ask you to cease your visits here. Spofford. Circumstances ! Yah, yah, yah ! Neigh- bors talk about it! But who cares ? Mere gossip. Not to be thought of. Mrs. H. (rising). Mr. Spofford, I am very sorry you will not understand my meaning ; it compels me to speak plainly. Your society is no longer agreeable to me, or the master of this house (crosses to e.). I shall give orders that you are not to be admitted to the house or the grounds. Good morning. \JExit E. 1 E. Spofford (still seated). Yah, yah, yah ! Kicked out ! that's the English of it ! Now, now, now ! what 3 34 THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. the deuce is the matter with her ? Somebody 's been meddling. Heard something. And I'm to be cut off in the flower of my youth ! Yah, yah, yah ! Guess not, Mrs. Howland. Spofford hasn't set his head to work for this conclusion — just as both of those girls are so captivated that they would follow me to the end of the earth. Yah, yah, yah ! I've got it. An elope- ment ! Deuced good idea. A ride over to the par- son's what's his name at Mayburn to-night ; a word in the parson's ear — a marriage ! And then they won't give orders to keep me out of the house, or the grounds. They'd have no gwounds on which to do it then. That's good — no gwounds ; made out of my own head, too. Yes, Miss Lin a is the one ; she's pretty, and silly ; just suits me. The other — I'm afraid of her. I'll try it {takes paper and pen, and writes). {JEJnter c. Newcomb / he stops and looks at Spof- ford, whose back is half turned to him.) Newcomb. Hallo ! a new arrival ? Chance for a speculation here. Strike while the iron 's hot {comes down l. ; sits in chair and slaps the table with his hand). Stranger, are you insured ? (Spofford looks up with a start ; Newcomb starts; falls back in his chair. Spofford does the same.) Newcomb. Spicer Spofford. Spofford. Policy Newcomb. Newcomb. What is your little game here, Spofford ? Spofford. Yah, yah! What's yours? You lead and I'll follow suit. JVeiocomb. There's no mystery about my pres- ence here. The old gentleman, Mr. Abner Howland — THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 35 (Alice steps in from door l., which should be well up stage, so that the parties at table have their backs to her ; she sees them, and is about to retire, but stops) — is in difficulty. He owes a large sum to certain par- ties. He is unable to pay ; so I am here. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! A keeper ! Alice. A keeper in uncle's house ! \Exit door l. Newcomb. Yes, a keeper. Now for your play. /Spofford. Yas ! Play ? You've hit it, Policy. I'm on a pleasure trip. Newcomb. You've tripped already. Won't do. Try again, Spicer. The Bowcliffe Insurance Company give their clerks no pleasure trips. Try again. Spofford. Well, then, call it a diplomatic mission. Newcomb. A diplomatic mission from the office ? They'd as soon trust a baby. Spofford. Ah, you don't know everything, Policy. I've found out something ; a grand, universal discovery — all out of my own head, too. Newcornb. Well, if you've found you've got a head, that is something no one has ever yet discovered. Spofford. Yah, yah ! Something royal — a fortune ! This is a secret, Newcomb. Newcomb. Of course. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Well, you see, about three months ago, I was looking over the policy-book, and I came across a paid-up policy for twenty-five thousand dollars, taken out, ten years ago, by one Gordon Howland. Newcomb. Gordon Howland ? Yes. I wrote his myself; and 'twas a good day's work for me. 36 THE FLOWEB OF THE FAMILY. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! Well, he's dead and gone, poor man; and the policy has never been paid. JVewcomb. Not paid ! How is that ? Spofford. ISTo claim has ever been made. Don't you see, he did it to surprise his family when he should die. Hid the policy. Couldn't tell when he was struck down ; and there is the money unclaimed. JVewcomb. It was written in favor of his wife ; and she — Spofford. Is now in this house. JVewcomb. O, ho ! I see ! I thought I'd seen that face before. Good! And you, Spicer, like a good friend, have come down here to communicate the joyful news. Spofford. Yah, yah, yah ! I guess not, Policy. That's not my little game. O, I'm a deep one, New- comb. I don't look it, but I am. JVewcomb. You don't look deep, Spofford, that's a fact. Spofford. But I am. She's got two daughters — one too many — but 'they're both in love with me. Do you see? I'll marry one; you shall marry the other. JVewcomb. Well, that's kind of you, Spicer, to re- member me in this ; especially as you can't marry both. Why, Spicer, what a head you have! Spofford. O, I'm sharp ! I've worked my cards well ; only just now — I'm kicked out ! JVeiocomb. Kicked out? Spofford. Yes ; forbidden the house by Mrs. How- land. Perhaps she's an idea that all is not right. But I'm going to play my trump card now. THE FLOWER OF THE FAMILY. 37 JVeiocomb. Let's see the little joker. Spofford. I've just written a line to Miss Lina. She's the favorite {looks at paper). "Meet me at the arbor to-night, at seven. I am forbidden to see yon. They shall not part us. I'll bring a vehicle ; the par- son at Mayburn will expect us,"