Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1884 By F. E. DUMM, In the Office ot the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. MR. BIVINS. A Comedy in Three Acts; Byre. DUMM. O -A. S T : Hon. B. Bivins. Esq.— Editor and Proprietor— Modest (?) Timothy Tipp-WIio rhymes in the name of Bivins— Ironicallv. verv cheeky. ' Lewis Jeffrey- Whose name is not Jeffrey Lewis-The Following Disgrace. * "Uncle" Jo. Johnson— An old timer. Dicky Dickins— The "Devil," Socrates Sock— A farmer, WooLY Sock— His son. Parson— The Shepherd of a woolly flock. Dora Dorcas— The Cause. Polly Paulding— Of whom Mr. Bivins is very fond. Aunt Amy— Who is troubled with a Following Disgrace. Anna Bivins -B's 'altogether lovely' sister. The Miller's Daughter. » Farmers. Cowboys, Milkmaids and Others. Act L SCENE 1.— A country printiaa; office. The backs of the oases tront the audi- ence, surrouiidinu a Fianklyn type- smasher. C. a table, upon which is a piitly luarle-up form. L. U. railed off, representing the' editor's sanctum. All the natural and ordinary paraphernalia of the backwoods printing office so into enliven this sta^ie setting. Joseph John- son on tir>t ca^e Enter D.cky Dickens, L. C. with broom and dust-pan. Dicky the song of the "devil." The printer's "Devii" at break of day Slips into his clothes and speeds away. With his keys of brass he opens the doors, Wits a worn-out broom he sweeps the floors And hustles a multitude of chores, And whistles the sohk of the "Devil." What will the Spriuij; Poet say to thiitV Jo (Looking over iiis c;ise) He wiil say like a spring poet or, as ti spriny; poet would say it, as he has often said before— iiem— ha! Sonny, have you any cliavving tobacco? Dick He will say, as say* a spring poet, or. said a spring poet, as .say you— "Sonny, have yon any chawing tobacco ?" As now say I; indeed, sir; a plug of it, with Avhich, sir, I will plug your says and saids. There! (Hands Jo a plug of exaggerated size nud picking up his stick handles it play- fully.) Jo VV hat kind o' plug is this? Dick That? It is a delicate brand and is called the sponge plug. Jo Eh! Dick It is not called the sponge plug because it is sponged, for that's the usual destruction of all plugs, but— beware it— filled with water, it swells. Indent it lightly— sponge! Jo Kogue, you! (Jo makes a feint of striking Dicky with the plug — Dicky dodges, drops the half-filled -stick' and runs toward L exit.) Jo Blacksmith! Pest you! Rough on rollers! Avast! (Is on the point of using the plug as a pellet; upon second thought takes a "chaw.") Jo You maker of "hell metal!" You— you type-smasher-you-Iook out! (Limps after and hurls plug at Dicky, Who ru-hes toward L exit and against Timothy Tipp vvho was aboi^t to enter, iioth are prostrated.) Jo Ha, ha! Now what says the Spring Poet? Dick (gasping) If-he-hasn't-any more-wiud-to- say-it- with-than-I-have he-don't -say-nothing! (Enter Tipp gasping and holding his sides.) Tip "Which of yOu have done this? Devil'-* Dick No, sir. How could I have done it whenl am already done for? Tirp^,;(falling into a chair) Prin- ter, a glass of water! Lick (falling into a chair) Prin- ter, put two straws in it! Jo I'll set up the obsequies of the one who sees me do it. (lifting Dick from the chair and shaking him) Now, blacksmith, pick up these type! Do you hear? Dick Yis sir. Jo Don't slip 'em through the ventilator! Dick You mean this crack in the floor? Yis sir. Jo Eh! Dick No sir. (aside) Down the crack theyfgo. (Dick crawls under the case, makes faces at Jo and disposes of the 'pi' in the quickest manner possible.) Jo Did it hurt, Tipp? Where did you feel it most? Egad, sir; how is it now? Tip It came like a cheain— Jo The devil he did! Tip And like a dream it passed away. Jo I'm (,'hid you feel better. Tip Printer, I don't feel better. Did you ever walk from your board- ing house — Jo Yes, and carried my baggage. Tip In summer time- Jo Late at night, sir. Tip When the lictle birds were singing overliead. when — Jo 1 jumped my board bill. Tip The soft undulating murmur of a babbling oro )k lulled nature into a quiet repose and. inspiration, like a glorious sun — Jo Rose ii'iove the cow sued. I see it now. Tip No. Fdled your mind, your lieart, your soul with i liythmical mu- sic, beyond the base, the comnion- place of terra flr ma. Jo Thai was next morning; tiie landlord was furious. Tip It was any morning. You do not catch the drift. Jo Tiien I'll drift into it, sir. (turns his back to Tipp) Push me! Tip Thus floating mid this pleas- ant scene — Art forming thoughts and words in line — A devil comes to steal away — Jo What? Tip The last line of my poem on Jersey Cattle. (rises) It departed with my breatii but it did not return with it. Jo Have you any chawing to- bacco ? Tip No. sir; I never chaw, [aside] Man is f(jolish when he tries to feed honey to old timers. Jo [aside] Eh! Then he must need swallow a pill before each meal. Egad, look at him! I always thought him dyspeptic, he spits up poetry ex- temporaneously ; yea, and often before it's properly digested. Well, Black- smith ! Dick That's the last of 'em. Jo Get to your case! Dick Yis "sir. (Tipp takes a position in the Editor's Sanctum— Uncle Jo le-couimerices work aftP!- examining the ventilator— liliv [after fumbling in his pock- ets.] Polly, you see this letter? Pol Course, sir. Biv I have a wealthy —extremely vvealtliy aunt; and aristocratic, too. Pol La, sir. Biv And a deliciously beautiful and accomplislied neice. Pol I want to know ! Biv Who is the daughter of my aunt's sister and my aunt's brother-in- law — botli deceased. Pol How sad! Biv Sad? It's outrageous! You are sure you see this letter? Pol Yes, sir, is it a slight o' hand trick? Now you see it, now you don't"'' (All rash forward to see the trick, look- im,' over I3's shoulder.) Biv Oh, no, no! Y'ou confound- ed idi )ts; back to your kennels! Mr. Tipp, I'm ashamed of you! Now, my dear girl, come as close as you possibly can ? The letter is opened. Pol So it is. Biv It says— if it were not opened, it would say nothing— you grasp? Pol With both hands, sir. (Dick throws type at Uncle Jo and hits Bivins.) Biv [cr )sses] Mr. Tipp, remem- ber I pay you six dollars a week!°I am thunderstruck, sir; but I forgive you. Tip I beg yonr pardon, Mr. B? Biv Siiut up! Excuse me! Well, this letter says: Dear Nephew:— Your cousin, Dora, who, as you know, has been polishing her educa- tion in a female seminary, has fallen Into a slight disjfrace; which, as I take it, is a queer mishap for a female seminary of belles lettres. However, on account of this precipitation, I have for various reasons thought it neces- sary, with her, to make you and your sister a visit; tor the disgrace, like the unusual run of disgraces, is a Following Disgrace. Expect us at any moment. Your affectionate Aunt, Amy. P. S.— How is the Bull Dog? Tit id's What it says, Polly. Poi. It be nitlier siniiige, Mr. B. Biv iSuaiige! Polly, 1 have a stu- pendous inind. 1 can tUiiik of twenty things as welhisoue — sometimes. You nave ollen noticed that; othei' people nave noticed it, too; but on this par- licular occasion— 1 pass, I am pushed against the stump; literally, [ am N G. U'nat is a following disgrace? it is a .iisgrace that follows.- What's that? (jrlVil it up! Pol i feel sorry for the young lady. Biv And I have several lachre- lu lis for the following disgrace. Pol Do you tliink it's man or wo- man? Biv That's an idea! Disgrace tliat follows a man or woman. Let me see. Woman follows man — no, inai; loUovvs woman! Co'rse it's a mm; because man is a following dis gr.ice, when he follows a feminine- seminary, an actress, a circus, oi', whaL not? That's it; wiiat not? My dear girl, 1 grasp. All you've got to lo witli Bivuis, is to touch the right spot aii'l watch the truth pop out beautifully. And you're the girl to do it; yed you are, Polly — co'rse you are. Pol You're tiattering, sir. Biv "Why should the poor " ,SocK (within) Stand around thar, dern ye! Whoa! Biv (crosses) Excuse me! Here comes my old friend — Um ! Hang me ir I know his name, and he'll stop the paper if I don't. What's that fellow's name, Tipp? That 'un that's getting out o' the wagon? Tip Don't know him, sir. Biv Olor! Going. Polly? Good moringi Call again, Polly! Pol Good morning! (exit.) Biv Ta, ta! Delicious Polly! Xow, Tipp, get that fellow's name. Make no mistake, Tipp; mind you, no mistake. Tip All right, sir. (Blvins goes behind sanctum, and looks over— aociates Sock enters with his arms full of squash.) Soc Is yer editor in ? Tip No, sir; unless, sir — unless I am the editor. Biv [aside to Tipp] No self- praise necessary, Mr. Tipp. Soc Y''er tlie fellow that ploughs up them pottery biznesses, hain't yun ; thet kind o' makes my gals go topsy- turvy like, an' sich stuff — be an'tyou? Biv (to Tipp) Mr. Tipp! Tip a slight mistake, sir; the ed- itor of the Bull Dog— Hon. B. Bivins. Esq. Do you prefer hexametre or iam- bic measure? Soc Don't know 'em, sir; never heard of'em,but I suppose Pd take 'em by the bushel, Pm so dern liberal. Do you like squash? Biv (to Tipp) Swim out, Tipp! Tip Yes, I am very fond of squash ; it's quite a poetical flower, John, Pe- ter, Henry— eh! Um, what the d— 1 is your name? How's your brother? Soc T haven't got any brother. Tip No? Soc And my name hain't Jolin, nuther. Don't you Irnow me? I've lived in this county over forty yea is — I wus here 'fore the Injuns wus. Fm an old settler, I am. Mr, Bivins knows me; he knows me well. 'An you don't know who I am? Tip I beg your pardon ! Soc Well, I'll tell you— my name is Socrates Sock — Democrat; School Director of District No, 6, and hentlu— Biv (rushing forward) My ol.l friend, Socrates; how are you, Sock.' Glad to see you! How's your daugh- ters''' Lovelv girls, .Sock — lovely I And tlie old woiuan — wonderful old JSocU she— eh! Soc Been dead these fifteen years. Biv Poor old soul; co'rse she has. Ail, Sock, it seems hut yesterday her gentle spirit made a raise! Come in to pay your subscription! Cr'rse yon ,liti_ha, lia; you can't fool Bivins— not much ! Bull Dog's booming. Sock . booming, iKiommg, Thaf the word! Give us your hand on the next President! (Sock drops the squash.) Never mind, Sock; never vnind— there, there, excuse me! (Ileli's Sock gatlier up tlie squasii.) Soc; Don't mention it! Biv You're a wonderful man. Sock— wonderful! Yoii never knew that before; did you'? You're too modest, you are. No getting over it. Sock, you're stupendous! Everyijody knows that! Got a stupendous fami- ly, and lots o' money, too— you old rascal— heaps of it! And so yon came in to pay your subscription? I'm glad ti> see vou! Soc With squash, Mr. Bivins- with squnsii. Biv S.jck, my most esteemed fel- low citizen, look at me? I have my pr )foundest sympatliies mixed up in squash, turnips and cord-wood, but the desire in their direction has been happily attended to. Soc Then you don't want 'em'? Biv There is an argument in the case. Sock. "Judge not least ye Ije judged," but judge further on. 1 can not pay Mr. Johnson with squash- can I Jo? Jo [looks over case and spits.] No. I'd rather exist on promises. Biv Nor the "Devil," with squash — can I Dicky ? Dick I'm willin' to take most any - tiling, but we don't keep cows. Biv Smart boy. Sock — deucedly smart! Nor Mr. Tipp. with squash — can I, Mr. Tipp'? Tip No, sir! Biv But it being you, Sock— my dear old Socrates; whom I have known for so many years; pile your squash on tliat table yonder, (crosses) My ilear Tipp, that's the 21st, and I hope, sir, the last farmer who will be in tills week to feed the liull Dog squash, lle^ can't stand it much longer. Tipp — lip'll get squaiiiish- he'll be belching — mark it! .So<; You'll find these good squash, my boy. Wooly gipw 'em. J3iv" [aside] D^m his boy, Wooly ! I to Sock] I flatter myself, Mr. Sock; i hatter myself! (Sock piles the squash upon a partly made up forin "pllng" it— type rattle upon the Huor.) Dick (to Sock) Dog gone you,''git out! (cominc forward) lor'! J(» (coining forward) Blaeksmitli, wliat now! l)i\' (crosses) Shut up-shut — Ilrllo! Dick O lor', O lor' ; he dropped the s(|uash upon the form and tlie form is squaslied! Jo The Devil take him! Hare 'ein manufacture themselves into 'ni ! (All rush back to table.) Soc i reckon Pve struck a stump, Mr. Bivins. Biv Reckon'? Well. I should say you liave. (looks over the form) Git i)ut! Soc You can mend it in no time. Biv Mend thunder, sew lightning together, cut a pigeon- wing on a rain- bow! Git out, yon holy Sock, you woolly Sock; unwashed, unbleached^ uncarded Sock— you— git out! Pll run vou through the Courts, sir! Pll glut over yon in the Common Pleas, ril sit on vou in the District, and I,ll squash you in the Supreme— you long- .egged Sock — you Balraoral. you! Git out, git out, git out; I'll put you out! Bivins throws off his coat, and taking Sock ay the shoulders, pushes him toward L. exit- Mr. Tipp lends his assistance.) Soc Mr. Bivins, I'll Iiave uiy boy, Wooly, at ye; I'll have my boy, VVooly, at ye! Biv D — m your boy, Wooly, and vour squash, too! You cross-grained sea- weed! You! Git out! [llirows limout, and the squash after him.] rhere, there, there ; you rogue of ho- siery ! Soc (outside) I'll git my boy VVooly at ye; dern me! Wooly! Wooly ! Wooly ! Biv [crosses] We'll never get out Lhis week, Tipp; never! Tlie Whip- jrwill's going to tlirow us m tlid shade, and all for a-a-a — damme. Mr. Tipp -damme, sir; asquasli! Dick What shall we do, sir? Biv Work, boy, work! Improve time; invent time— stop the sun, stop the moon, stop the press, stop every- thing; and work, work, work! Jump into that 'pi' and iiustle, boy! Dick Yis, sir. [goes back] (Enter Lewis Jeffrey.) .Jef Could I see the editor? Biv Who are you? You're his boy. Wooly, ain't you? (grabs him by tlie collar) You come around to lick the editor, you young, lialf-cotton, seam- less, bow-legged Sock, you! You did, didn't you? Ha, ha! Jef My dear sir, you have made a mistake. Biv Pardon me; I believe it, sir. Who are you ? Jef My name is Lewis, my trade, printer; my wants, employment. Biv Holy Jolin Henry, come to my arms, (embrace) You're a printer, you are? You want work — must have it, sir; would starve if you did,nt get it! Eh? Come to my arms! [em- brace] Pull off your coat, your vest, your pants! Xo, no; I'm all — excuse me — excited, sir! You see, sir; but, pshaw, you don't see it. Come here, I'll show it to you. Come here, come here, come here! [drags him be.ck to the "pi." Look at it, sir; look at it! Jef Quite a wreck, sir. Biv Look at it. There is one of the spicest,derndest Democratic forms that was eversetdown upon. Don't ask how, when or where, but dive in- to it. (coming forward) Tipp, Pm going to buy a bull dog to ventilate the pantalets of tlie next farmer who comes in here witii squash. Tip Our wants demand a dozen. Biv [picking up paper] I'll write out an 'ad' for a gross. Tip Please don't use that paper? Biv Why not? I want bull dogs opposed to squash, (writes) Tip That's the first act of my Five Act Drama. Biv Eh? Tip Mv Five Act Drama. Biv What do you call it? Tip It's French, sii-,and it is called Billy, the Boy Spider, or The Vampires of Pakis. Biv Billy, the Boy Spider; that's very good. Is it emotional, tragedy, comedy or pastoral? Tip It is a little mixed, Mr. B. Tlie leading lady gets sick. Jo (looking over his case) So will the audience. Biv And dies, Mr. Tipp? Tip Oh, no; she feels better after a while. Jo (same play) But tlie audience never recovers. Biv If you want to make Billy, the Boy Spider a success, I would advise you to kill the leading lady in the last act, I'll let you read it to me. Tipp. It's confering a favor, I know; but no one shall ever say that Mv. Bivins was stingy. We are going to have a pic- nic, Monday, if my Aunt Amy comes. We'll ste^il a march on 'em, and I'll give you a few pointers. What's the leading lady's name? Tip Dora. Jef (aside) Dora! Biv Delightful Dora! That's good, Mr. Tipp; very good! I'll be a great man someday if you only con- tinue in our glorious art. Tip (aside) At six dollars a week! (Coach horn outside and coach.) Biv (crossing to L.) Here comes the coach! Tip And its stopping in front of the office! (crosses to L.) CoAGiniAN (outside) Whoa, thar! Dern you! W-l>-o-aI Biv There's my AuntAmy! Jejf (wlio has come forward.) And rav dear Dora! Biv [to Jef .] How's that, printer? Jef (showiiiff copy) Wliat is this word, sir? Biv Don't know— ask ^I'ipp? There's little Dorcas! Isn't she delic- ious! I'm coming, Aunt Amy— I'm coming! (exit.) Jef Dora, Dora, my scheme is working, working, working! Tip How. sir? Jef What is tills word? Sciieme? Tip Confusion! No! Jersey Cat- tle don't give schemes. Cream! Jef Thanks, [goes hack to case, Tipp crosses to sanctum.] Coachman (outside) Gee long! Huzzah! Git— dern ye! Biv (outside) My dear aunt; Glad to see you! You're looking like a cowslip! How's everybody? Amy (outside) Well. Billy. Biv (outside) And dear me, my little cousin, Dora! Talk about holly- hocks an' rose buils; you're positively delicious! Dora (outside) 60 you're my cousin ? Biv (outside) Co'rse I am ; and, dern me, if I hain't proud of yc Come in! (Enter Bivins, foUoweil by Aunt Amy a Dora. Biv You're welcome to the clasi — you're welcome, co'rse you a And we're going to make it pleasa for you, you bettei- guess! We'll ha picnics, picnics and picnics, and — (Dora winkri at .lyttrey.) Biv Dora, my dear cousin, doi wink at tiie printers: it hhint allow( He's a new one, little Dorcas; but h prtividential — al). but he is! DouA He's peiieetly horrid, a it's perfectly Iiorrid to •ny to the sleeping nature iierea bouts, and — Biv Ml'. Tipp, drop it! I mean the liaskets. [to Dora R. C] My dear coz, you gave us the slii»— yes voudid! Where's the cause; in- troduce hiin to me! Tut, tut, don't lilush! You rogue, you! [to Jeffrey] Dora (L. C.) Come here, coz! Biv (aside) Coz! She likes me! Well, dear ; what is it? Doha I have been terribly bored ! Biv Now have you, coz! Dora And I have been very lone- some, too; without you, Mr. Bivins. Biv 1 was sure of it. (aside) I'm positively irresistible! Tell me, dearie, wlio has disturbed the hilarity of the occasion V Call me coz. Dora Not exactly tliat, Mr. Bivins —I mean, coz — merely an annoyance, you know — that's all. Say. coz; I sus picioii him. (points at Tipp.) Biv Is that so! Dora Yes, I suspicion him. Biv So you said. Dora Hist! Watch him! Pol (Coming forward) I hope I do not interrupt you! (sarcastically) Aliss Dorcas I want to show you a pretty picture along the opposite bank of the river. You'll excuse her, Mr. B? Dora bows and is led back by Polly. Biv Certainly! (aside) There's anotlier girl who likes me, 'an she's de- licious, too. Jef (coming forward) Mr. Bivins, you do not seem to be enjoying your- self? It's not to be wondered at, con- sidering the possibility— Biv (confldential) Say, do you suspicion anybody? Jef Mr. Tipp, sir. Biv Ha, ha! Jef (mysteriously) Hist! Watch him! (returns to B. C.) Biv Something's wrong; some- thing's wrong, and Bivins' the man to get at tiie bottom of it. Bivins goes back, and leads Tipp to L. F. Biv (mysteriously) Hist! Tip (same play) Hist! Biv (C) That won't do' sir! Mr. Tipp, look at me! Don't you squint, nor gaze aslant! Bah, sir; I see through you! Tip [astonished] You don't say! Biv Pshaw, Mr. Tipp; you can't crawl out of this like a crawfish! I suspicion you ! Tip [frightened] Is that sc! Bivins leads Tipp within range of Jo's line. Biv Hist! Tip Hist! Biv It's going to bust! Tip Eh! Jo throws a fish upon Bivins. Biv Olor'! It's busted! Tip Boom! Huzzah! All come forward. Jo [coming forward] That's my Hsh! J^ook out, you'll step on it! Biv (angerly) Johnson, where did you come from, wliere have you been and what are you doing? Tip Yes, printer; what are you do- ing ? Biv Ml. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins. Biv Shut up! Jo [holding up tlie tish] Mr. Bivins, isn't he a beauty ''^ Biv Isn't my sleeve a beauty? There's blood on it, 'an scales, too! I wouldn't have had this happen for hfty dollars! .I'm astonislied at you, Johnson, I am, indeed— positively as- tonished — but I forgive you, sir. Tip Ditto, prhiter. Jo Bah ! Biv It would be quite a relief, Mr. Johnson ; but never mind, stay where you are— we can move Mr. Jolmson, we can move! Tip Yi s, printer, we can move. ' Biv Mr. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins. Biv Shut up! Jo Thank you both. I hope you won't find me ungraetf ul. Jo recontinues flshing— All go back to L.B. —Tipp with Anna; Bivins with Aunt Amy. Biv My dear Aunt, you look posi- tively, perfectly and completely done for. Amy And so. I am,, Billy. Would you favor me witli a glass of water? Biv Certainly, my dear Aunt; I would doanytliiuK to favor you. Mr. Tipp, friend in joy and sorrow, will you please. Mr. Tipp, take this small i)ucket (hands him an exaggerated bucket) and go to '.he farm house, mile an' a half on che t'other side ol vonder hill, and ask the farmer, Mr. Tipp, for a few drops of his best nec- tacV Tell him you know Bivins, an' he'll embrace you. Look out for dogs, Mr. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins! Biv Mr. Tipp! Tip AVith pleasure, vir. [crosses to U. L.J I'll nevei- go to another picnic with Bivins; dern me! (nxit) Amy Now. Billy, come and amuse me until the arrival of tlie nectar ? You are so entertaining. Bivins seats himself beside her. Biv I flatter myself. Aunt; I flat- ter myself! I'll tell you about the fu- ror I raised in Cord wood township, last campaign. Made a stupendous hit, Aunt; stupendous! (Jef leads Polly to R. F.) All wood-choppers in Cordwood, and wlien the Hon. B. B. arose to address them, they tnrew their sweaty night-caps in the air- la, Aunt, everything has its damp ap- plication. xVmy Indeed, indeed ; it has Billy. Biv One little chopper hit me in the eye with a soft tomatto; it almost extinguished the light of the meeting! Amy That was too bad, Billy. Biv It was outrageous! But I hurled my venom at him, Aunt; 1 hurled my venom ! Jef Miss Paulding, I hope you will not be offended, but I have been some what amused, or ratlier astonished^by incidents, not altogether proper. You are not aware that Mr. Bivins— Pol Well, sir ; wliat of Mr. Bivins ? Jef I suspicion him! I am led to believe you are his friend' and, there- fore, I advise you, for his sake and your own, not at any time to allow iiim out of your siglit. Pol You think his cousin— Pah! Pshaw ; it's no matter of mine! Jef "Actions speak louder tlian words," Miss Paulding. Watch him ! Pol I. will, sir; and— ttiank you, sir! [Jef. to L. B.] Billy Bivins, vou-you-you talk to me again of moon- shine ami duck-ponds and turn-stiles and garden-gates, and— I'll— I'll box your ears, sir! (retires to L. B.) Biv Anna, dear, will you favor us witli asong''' The one you sang last night will do. It was rather lifting, dear— rather! Ann Oh, William! Biv Is my sister a gis-gler? Must she be teased, entreated— like the doll of fashion, the young graduate, the amateur? Pah, my altog ther lovely ; let us have a song? Ann a dozen, William. Biv [aside] She always calls me William when she don't like me. SPECIALTIES, Ann Now, William, we will hear from vou! The song you sang last night will do. It was rather lifting— rather! Biv Excuse me, my dear sister; tliere's a good girl! Ann Is my brother a giggler ? Must he be teased, entreated— like the snob of fashion, the young graduate, the amateur? Pah, my altogether lovely William; let us have a song! Biv (aside) That's my altogeth- er lovely sister! Very well, dear; very well! I liave an orchestra in the wagon ; excuse me, while I trot it in. All With pleasure! Exit Mr. Bivins. Jkf (to Anna, Li. F.) Miss Anna, I have noticed some queer things to- dav, regarding your brother! Ann Why, sir ; what do you mean ? Jef Keep an eye on hiui! Ann: Indeed, sir; you refer to — Jkf Shoind he attempt to elude you; follow Itiui! He means unsehief — Ann To Mr. Tipp? I suspeeted it, sir! He treats Tipp abomiiial)]y ! Jef Hist; here lie comes! (to B.L.) Enter Bivins with iiistminent. Btv (F. C ) Here's au instrument which lias passed tiircnigh a dozen generytioiis of our family history. All the Bivins were musicians, except Josiah, who was swung into eternity at Newgate. Mv grandfather was a untster, he could stand on h.is head against a. barn door, and manipulate this affair in the tune of "Old Zeb Coon," with the ease and giace of a Cleopatra. It would have done your souls good to have heard my grand- fatlier glide into slnirps and flats. He would trebble up to 'em twelve flights above the staff, radiate for a few mo- ments in that etiierial region, and. having kicked up dust sufficient —all )n a sudden, and just when you wsn't exp-ciiiig it, come down ke-smash — striking every line on the staff, bound- ing and re-bounding upon every oc- tive— falling plump, plump, plump, plump, plump, plump; npon the last line, immediately sinking 40 degrees below zero! I'll sing yon otui of my grandfather's songs. (Sings.) THE EDITOR. I am a jolly editor— A pusher of the quUl— My path through Id-' is heavenly Exceptni^ when it's ill. My work is done profoundly— Of Franklyn I'm a chip— Competing all my articles; Except the ones I clip. Chorus. When I go by They say, O my ! And smile mo,-tpleasant'y ; Turn on their toes And pinch their nose, And yell : "Say. who is he 1" Meaning the editor; the jolly young editor— The spit-fire editor of the barking Bull D.g, And whi^n the neighlinrs silently Throw up the spont^e and die, 1 obsequLse them truthfully; Excepting when 1 lie. 1 write up hcandals mournfully Of fe\nale, man and kid, And splurge at all the gatherings ; To which I set a bid. 1 dabble oft' in politics, And dabble oft' in vain- Bribes find me always indisposed; Exc('i)t in case of gain. I'm nut a host financially, With properties to rent. And yet I'm spldom busted; Save when I've not a cent. All applaud. All Bravo! &c. Other Specialties. Enter Tipp— very woe-begoue. All Here comes Tipp! Amy You !ook quite done for, Mr. Tipp! Tip And am, Madam ! I was per- sued by a dog! All a real dog, Mr. Tipp? Tip The subject is not poetical; let us drop it! Can I honor myself I Presents Aunt Amy with a glass of water. Biv Mr. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins! Biv If there's any honor in it; it belongs to me! (Tipp hands him the glass) I pay him $6 a week, and he's always working for himself. — (aside) Jef (To Anna) Do you note that? Biv With wishes of long life, ray — Jo hits Bivins with a fish— B. drops the glass— ladies scream— Jo comes forward. Biv Damme, sir; its Johnson ! Git out! Laiiies and Gentlemen: We will not linger here longer. The wag- on waits without! Come; let us to dinner! What slights have found us here, let them be forgotten — and as for you, Joseph Johnson, I will see you later! Here, Mr. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins! Jo goes back and prepares his line for de- parture. Biv [loading Tipp with baskets.] And this. Tipp; yes, and this! Come, friends ; the gliostly hour arrives when we consult the inner man! After you, Mr. Tipp! Kxit L. R.— Tipp, Anna, Bivins, Dora. Jef (to Aunt Amy.) Did you hear him speak? Amy Who? Jef If it does not offend you — Please, madam; Mr. Bivins! Amy Sir! Jef If you have his welfare at heart, let him not escape your vigil- lance! Amy I don't understand. Jef I'll explain as we go along. Exit L. R.— Aunt Amy and Jeffrey. Jo Sonny, we'll get out o' this. When you recognize a hint; one that's broadcast— don't take it. But when it is a lifting hint — bounding and re- bounding, as it were, from a No. 12, best cowhide — tiguratively speaking —take up thy bed and dust! Go on! [Jog)e3 behind tree and takes a drink] Boy, come here. Never forget what your mother told you about "rose- water." Dick No, indeed, sir! (to U.P.) Jo Hold on! And never forget, sonny; I am an old rascal who "Loved not wisely but too well"— Billy Shakespear! Goon! (exit U. L. sing- ing— "A fish without a tail," &c.) Enter Bivins followed by Tipp. Biv Neatly done, Mr. Tipp; neatly done! Show Bivins the way and he'll not lead you amiss. I'm a schemer, Mr. Tipp— I am; you have noticed that! Other people have noticed it, also. Sit down! [seated U. L.] Now, Mr. Tipp, for the emotional! Tip In fi-ve acts, Mr. Bivins! Biv Make it brief, Tipp ; as brief as possible. Tip (undoing MSS, reads:) Billy, the Boy Spider, Or The Vampires of Paris. A Drama in Five acts, By Biv Hon. B. Bivins, Esq. Tip Yea, Mr. Bivins. (reads) Billy, the Spider, with a wrat upon his back; who never had a mother, and cannot climb a tree. Biv He could crawl, Mr. Tipp? Tip As a spider, Mr. Bivins ![reads] 25 Vampires 25— in tights— envious of the wart on Billy's back— Melon- choly young men — Biv Do they know their own mother, Mr. Tipp? Tip And their mother-in-law ! Biv Happy Vampires! Tip And can climb a tree — Biv And the villian, Mr. Tipp, with his basso prof undo, his evil eye, bis needles and his darts, his die-away voice, his cringing air, his -ha, ha, Mr. Mr. Tipp; the villian? Tip (reads) Dora, the slave of the Spider. Biv Tut. tut, sir; Dora Dorcas a villianV Sweet little Dorcas! Ko, no, no, Tipp; Ko! Tip But it isn't Dorcas, Mr. B! Biv We will say Dorcas for short — for short, Mr. Tipp. Look me in the face; blank, sir, in the face! A wo- man a villian! Mr. Tipp, don't imag- ine for a moment I shall attach my cross-bones to a drama, emotional or otherwise — in five acts— in which the leading lady is the villian ! Tip Mr. Bivins, don't you think — Biv Not I, Mr. Tipp! Give her a pair of pants and a beard ; hurl lier from her fair estate to a tippling, bleared-eyed, deep-dyed scallawag; with scars and warts, with boils and carbuncles, and with what not, Mr. Tipp, with what not! Tip You do not grasp, Mr. Bivins. Biv (rising) Hit me, sir; on the shoulder, in the eye; pull my hair, call me a liar, spit in my face, sir, and give me a platform, an' I'll grasp by a large majority! The idea of Bivins not grasping! Pah! Tip I beg a tiiousand pardons! Biv [seated] You have em ! Go on ! Tip (reads) Billy falls in love with Dora; Billy is a thief! Biv (rises) Mr. Tipp, Billy is no thief! He may appear as such, as such he may be accused, but Billy is no thief— Billv is stupendous! Tip But this Billy is a thief! Biv Remember, Mr. Tipp, my name is Billy! Tip Yes, sir! Biv (seated) I forgive you! Tip (reading) Once upon a time, so the story goes, like a spider crawl- ing between floor and ceiling, Billy wabbles into the midst of a great campmeeting. (ITote. The orchestra at this particular point are requested to toot slowly.) Billy pauses — Billy yells— Billy rushes forward— Billy seizes Dora by the hair! Biv What if the leading lady wear a wig, Mr. Tipp? Tip I have thought of that, Mr. B ; in such a case the leading lady shall not be seized by the hair, (Reads.) Billy flies over the heads of the mul- titude. Dora is held in his Spider em- brace. They corgeal in a deserted alley, Biv Congeal ! I like that. Tip (reads) There stands his faithful mule, Alazadango, who lost his tail in a skirmish with the Cabs. He lo(»ks intelligently at the stump as if he can remember the time when he could knock silly a buzz-fly off his ear.— Biv Billy does? Tip (examining MSS.) ^o, Ala- zadango. Biv Poor old Alazadam! Tip [reads] Billy has no time to lose; Alazalango jumps upon his back ; he belabors his sides — Biv Alazadam does ? Tip (same play) Ko, Billy. Biv Poor old Alazadam! Tip (reads) The multitude fly af- ter them! Billy kicks out right and left; the fore-runners of the multitude with a flourish of trumpets bite the dust! Tliey reach the liigh clifls of Santiago by moonlight! Alazadango shrieks 8ic Semper Tyranus— Biv Alazadam does? Tip (same play) No; Billy. Biv Poor old Alazadam ! Tip (reads) The sun sets. All is quiet; oidy tne silent breath of Ala- zadango is heard mocking the quiet motions of nature. Forty years af- ter, when — Biv Mr. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins. Biv That's bladerish! It won't do; forty years after is rediculous. That's something like a monstrosity, and in the legitimate avoid monstrosities. So far the emotional looks plausible, very, my dear boy; but forty years after — Jerusalem, John Rogers, be reasona- ble! Tip But, Mr. Bivins, the next 30 scenes is in the United States. Billy is discovered running for Congress; the Vampires, in tights, second ward politicians; Dora is — Biv Hold on, sir! Now do you think, Mr. Tipp, it takes a Heathen Chinee, or a "Pollock" or a what not forty years to emmigrate to the United States, become naturalized and run for Congress? I am surprised at you; lam, indeed. They do it now in six montiis; they do it by electricity! "Hold. the mirror up to nature," Mr. Tipp, "hold the mirror up to nature!" Is Billy elected ? Tip Therein is the tragedy. Billy can not get a single county solid, while Dora lives to elucidate the camp- meeting racket, and Alazadango hoffs his reputation from a Santiago stand- point, by moonlight. I have heard the clock strike twelve pondering over tliis great disaster. Enter Polly. Anna and Aunt Amy L L. Biv What disaster, Mr. Tipp? Tip [consults MSSJ Dora will not marry xllazadango. Biv I wouldn't marry a jackass, either, (aside) Tip If Dora would only die, Mr. Bivins. I haven't got the heart to kill her. Aunt Amy, Polly and Amy get behind them. Biv Tipp, don't be chicken heart- ed! Who will say when I am gone Billy Bivins was a coward ? Dorcas is dead ! Amy [to Polly] How's that? Tip But, Mr. Bivins! Biv There's no but about it ; its rope, knife, bludgeon, fire-brand! It's done, Tipp; so we may as well speak of it in the past. This is the way the Spider did it; we'll say I'm the spider, (rises) I met Dora yonder in the glen. She was sitting under the sycamore on the other side of the fence. I dropped from the lower branches of the tree; I stood before her ; she shrieked ; I smiled — mark the effect combined with a Dutch orches- tra! "Madam," said I, "Why do you fritter thus your time away mid buzz of bee and sigh of waterfall?" Tip Did you; what did she say? Biv She simpered, ''Give us a rest!" (Tipp looks disgusted) I sizzed up like a seitlitz powder, and roared like a boiler shop, "Madam, do you take me for a mediaevial nondescript of monstrosus development!" Tip (applauds) Bravo! What did she say ? Biv She lisped affirmatively, "Over the reservoir," in French. Then I foamed, "Ho. ho; Dora Dorcas toward what end will "your unbridled audac- ity hurl itself" out of the horn! When will it, whf'ie will it, out with it! Tip [applauds] Capital! What did she say? Biv She gulped from behind her spring bonnet, "When the Robbins Nest Again." Upon the instant I took her by the throat, and drew from my pants' pocket a long ornamental cheese-knife, and severed the head with one terrific sweep; the blood— the blood ; ha, ha— the blood — Aunt Amy falls into Polly's arms— Tipp whistles and applauds. Tip Eureka! What did she say? Amy Murder! Help. Biv (taking Tipp by the collar) We are persued ! Come, Tipp; come! Now for Alazadam! [exitUR drag- ging Tipp after him.] Amy (all come forward) Follow them, ray dears; follow them! Pol They'll murder us if we do. xInn Heaven help us! Amy Go this way, that way, ev- eryway; rouse the neighborhood! They'll murder everyone of us. Ann; Don't say it; don't think it! Billy! Billy! [exit L L] Amy Dora ! Dora ! [exit U R] Pol Murder! Murder! [exit U L] Enter Jeffrey and Dora L L. Jef Hurrj', Dora dear; now's our time or never. It's but a step to the parsonage! [They hurry across the stage and exit.] Enter Bivins, U R, dragging Tipp after him. Biv Mr. Tipp, Mr. Tipp. will you please, sir, explain, sir; the cause of this pandemonium, sir? I have rea- sons to suspicion you, Mr. Tipp. Look main the face, sir; look me in the face! Tip If there's a sparrow, Mr. B.— Biv D—n the sparrow, Mr. Tipp; d — n the sparrow! Tip I don't understand ! Cries of 'Billy !"Murder!' 'Dora!' 'Help!' out- side, which Bivins answers in the following-: Biv Do you hear V Hello! Hello! Ho! I was told to watch you, sir — Hello! So I have, and if you refuse to belch— Hello! I'll shake it out ofvou! Ho! (shakes Tipp violently) Tip Hold otf, sir! Enter Annt Amy U K. Biv My dear Aunt — Amy Don't touch me! Murderer! Villian! Where is Dora— misguided Dora! Biv Tipp, don't touch me! Mur- derous, villianous Tipp. Whei'e is Dora? Tip Oh heaven! Amy Ir heaven! (crosses) Help! Murder! You have killed her; there is blood on your hands! Biv There is blood upon my slee/e, but no blood on my hands. Tipp, let me see your hands? it^o blood. Poor old soul; poor old soul! (taps his head knowingly.) I will see you home. Aunt! Watch her, Tipp; she may get ugly, (asidt — Lliey approach her.) Amy I die, villians; I die! Aunt Amy falls into Tipp's arms, uttering a respectable scream, Tipp allows her to fall upon the stage— Bivins kneels beside her, U L.— crossing to U R to admonish Tipp before the entrance of his sister. Biv Villian, support her! My dear Aunt, what's the matter? Open your jaw, AunL; open your jaw — speak to me! Eh! You won^t! Well, you can do just as you please about it. What did you say ? Nothing? Mr. Tipp, was it stump water you brought in the bucket? Eh! Enter Anna B., L L. Ann Murder! Murder! Runs forward and falls over Aunt Amy— during the following several speeches Tipp and Bivins run wildly about the stage. Biv Another one! Jerusalem, John Rogers; everybody 's going cra- zy! Water, water, water! Tip Fire! Fire! Fire! Biv Shut up! Enter Polly Paulding U L. Pol Blood —blood —blood ! Biv What in the d — 1 do you want blood for? VVatnr, water, water! Pol C'hors de combat") I'm not afraid of you, sir; nor you! I have said my prayers — I am ready ! Biv Poor girl, she's got 'em, too. My dear, compose yourself; I am only Billy Bivins, editor and proprietor — common, ordinary, every-day Billy Bivins. [lie advances, she retreats.] I will not hit you. Aunt Amy groans. Biv Mr. Tipp attend to the morgue. Tipp kneels beside, and fans the morgue with his coat-tails. Biv I will not pull your hair, nor bile you. Thou kuowest my love for thee; therefore compose thyself. Pol Go way! Compose myself, shall I; with tlie ax above my head; with an ornamental cheese-knife swimming before my eyes? Villian! Murderer ! Blood ! Biv Yes. Polly, I am a blood ; but no murderer or villian. Aunt Amy groans. Biv Tipp, give your uiidivided at- tention to the morgue. Silence lends enchantment to this job. Polly screams— Bivins followes her about the stage. Biv Dear Polly, sweet, altogether lovely Polly; explain yourself? [takes her hand.] Pol Don't touch me ! Take your hand away; there's blood upon it! Biv (Releases her hand) Poor girl, so far gone. Aunt Amy groans. Biv Another groan ? Attend more closely to tlie morgue, Tipp. Pol Where is Dora? Biv In heaven, for all I know, no sense being jealous other any long- er, Polly. Pol jSTo, Door girl; but you'll hang, murderer! Biv Poor Poll ! Poor Poll 1 (aside) Nothing like humoring lunatics. Yes, sweet Poll, altogether lovely Poll, I will hang by a large majority. Pol Wliy did you kill her, sir; she was always good to you— so kind, so docile— the sweetest girl I ever met? Biv How sad! Tliis is a pure case of stump water. Pol She's dead, she's dead ; dead as a stone— dead as a stone ! Biv You don't mean it! Pol Murd'ered ! Biv You're not out of your senses! Pol No. Biv Sure you hain't? Pol As I know you to be Biv Oh, little Dorcas; little Dor- cas! Where is lie — where is the mur- derer? Pol Look at yourself, sir; blood on your sleeve, blood in your eyes, blood on your hands, blood — Biv You're mad as a March hare; you're all crazy! Bivins a murderer? Billy Bivins, editor and proprietor? Shoo! Git out! Hum out-side, which increases toward the end of the scene. Pol In a moment you'll be taken. The neighborhood has been aroused; they advance with pitchforks. Bun for your lives! Biv Holy Moses Jerusalem, John Rogers; you don't mean it! Pol Have you ears ? Biv But I don't understand. I know I'm mad, and you're mad, and the morgue's mad and Tipp and all of us — we're all mad! Rushes to the morgue, collars Tipp and drags him to U R E. Biv You — you rogue you, you've poisoned us all with stump water— you'll be hung higher than St. Paul! Pol You have no time to lose! I love you still. Biv (embrace C.) Polly ! (U R E) Tipp, scoundrel, villian; come, we go to the devil ! Bivins collars Tipp and drags him off— farm- ers, snouting, i-ush on from the opposite side, armed with pitchforks, &c. Polly throws her arms about the morgue with a respectable scream. QUICK CURTAIN. here, (the chapel steps) and rest my weary bones. I am a poor, persecu- ted cuss, Mr. Tipp — a popi", persecuted cuss ! Tip I will rest beside you, Mr. B. Biv No, Mr. Tipp, you will not rest beside me. It was all right for you to help me out. of that duck pond, because I pay you six dollars a week; but you can not sit beside me in the shadow of this holy edifice. There's blood all ovei- you! Why did you kill her, Tipp? Tip It's madness to ask it, siiM Biv Yes, Tipp, I am mad. People have been mad, are mad and will go mad, but a mader man than Billy Biv- ins never lived. (feigns madness) How's that? I trust tl\e court will (•ome forward with a plea of momen- tary insanity and let me go. (is seated) Sound of voices within. Tip Did you hear that! Biv No, sir, I did not hear that! I tell you I'm a lunatic; I'm blinder than a bat and, tlierefore can not iiear. (Tipp seats himself beside Bivins, who rises) No, nn, Tipp, as I said before, I refuse to sit beside a Lucretia Bor gia! Perch yourself upon the fence; you will flndthe top board very soft, Mr. Tip]), [sits down] Tip [perched upon the fence] "Oh, when will this cruel war be over!" Music within. Biv Sweei, sweet music; how it reminds me of the scenes of my child- hood, when the Bull Dog was yet a little purp! Tip Mr. Bivins, are chey liaving a love-feast in there? Biv Mr. Tipp, let the gentle dis- cords remind you of your guilt. Tip Billy, don't you feel empty ? Biv Billy! I hive been paying him. six dollars a week since last June. He has floated in luxuries— actually floated; drank of the fountains of wealth— literally gulped them in— and now when I am nobody from no- where and on my way to don't know, he has the audacious audacity to call me Billy ! Mr. Tipp, I forgive you. Sing, sweet music, sing softly to a mind displaced! Ah, me! Tip Billy, dear boy, do you not feel a goneness? Biv I,do not feel a heaviness, Mr. Tipp; but we will starve together! Tip I wish I was in heaven! Biv Comedown! Comedown! If you reach Fiddler's Green you'll dis- appoint the man who 's airing your bed in Kingdom Come! Come down! Music stops. Tip Church is out! Biv So is Bivins! Out on the road — out in the cold! I'm a poor mis- guided oi-piian, Mr. Tipp, a poor mis- guided orphan ! Dora appears at the Chapel door, Tipp seeing her, and taking her for a §rhosi, falls back- ward from the fence, after the following speech: Tip Ghost! Ghost! Take her away! Take her away! Tipp scrambles behind the fence. Biv Poor Tipp, that stump-water is gettino: tiie best of hitn. He's mad! Mad? We're all mad! Tipp peeps over the fence and sees the ghost again, and makes a hurried exit after yelling : Tip Ghost! Ghost! Jeffrey appears at the Chapel door and pre- vents Dora from speaking. Biv [standing up] Kun, Tipp, run; but you can not run away from yourself! T pay him six dollars a week, and now he deserts me to the mercies of this cruel, cruel world. 1 wonder what the court will say when I take the box? (seated) ! he ladies will whisper, "That's him; tlmt's Biv- ins! Isn't he sweet!" But I shall not feel sweet; and when I am behind the bars, the female sex will cover me with flowers, buttercups and sweet- forget-me-nots, and I shall smile; but I siiall not feel like smiling. I am glad Tipp escaped— Tipp would al- wa5's pushing liimself forward; he has so much cheek! I may apoear so, but I do not feel cheeky. And when the day of execution comes, I will stand upon tlie scaffold, and say: (stands up) Ladies and Gentlemen: Tills is all that is left of Billy Bivins. Xo longer you hear the Bull Dog bark- ing on the plains, in the cabin or in the bar-room! This is the candle yon are about to give to the snuffers — snuff it gently ! Applause! I loved little Dorcas, an I even thongli she glided into what-not through an over- dose of stump-water, it was no fault of mine! Loud and continued ap- plaus! Turn your eyes, ladies and gentlemen, upon this cringing, pros- trate form: this despisable. despica- ble monstrosity, Tipp! Prolonged hisses! See in him the instrument of all my woes! At one rash moment he plunged his cursed steel into the heart of Billy Bivins, and the Bull Dog turned over on his back and kicked his gentle spirit into eternity! My great heart swells! I forgive him! Then the populous will hurl th^ir sweaty night-caps in the air, and the ghost of little Dorcas, with gossamer wings, will hover over us. Dora comes forward and embraces B. Dora You dear, old Billy Bivins ! Bivins, freeing- himself, crawls toward L R E. Biv Ha, ha! Huzzah! Enter Parson and Miller's Daughter. Dora What's the matter, coz? Biv (gesticulating frantically) Ha, ha! (exit-within) "Help! Help! Ha, ha! Ho! All rush to L R E. Par Is it a lunatic? lama good man— ah ; but are you sure it is a lun- atic? Jef I am afraid to offer a sugges- tion; but, by my life, he acts queerly! Dora (laughing) Come here! There he goes, pell mell, over the fence, into the ditch ! No, he clears it ! Now he rushes for the underbrush! I vow he has lost his eyes with his bet- ter judgement, for in he goes head- first! Par The first blackberry steels his coat tails! Poor lunatic! Dora He pushes the hazle aside! Par And it flies back and slaps him in the face! Insanity where is thy wit! Jef I am all amazement, Dora dear! Dora And I! Tip (afar off) Billy! Billy! Par What's that! Jef (to Dora) Thac's Tipp, com- ing back. Stand in the door-way of the chapel— undoubtedly i'ts I they fear — and when Tipp passes, speak to him. We will stand aside. Dora takes the position as requested, Jeffrey, Parson and Miller's Daughter upon the porch of the parsonage. Tip (nearer) Billy! Billy! Dora Here he comes as if persued by the Furries! Par (to Jeff.) Is't another lunatic ? Jef Indeed, my good man, the M^onds are full of them. Stand closer! Par There's no danger? Jef Tliey are not so mucli persu- ers as they are persued. Tip (nearer) Billy! Billy! Dora [who has been standing on tip-toes to better watcli the coming Tipp] Poor Tipp, how woe- begone he looks ! Tip (just outside) Billy! Billy! Enter Tipp, hat off and collar flying-. Bora (stepping down) Mr, Tipp! Tip (rusbing frantically to L R E) Take her away ! Take her away ! (exit) Jef Mr. Tipp! Tip [within] They can not say I did it! They ean not say T did it! All run to L K E. Dora There he goes, over the sanae fence, into the same ditch — no. he clears it, and rushes for the under- brush ! Tip (afar off) Billy! Billy! Dora In he goes at the same place ! Par And if its not too dark, that same old blackberry steals a coat tail! Dora He follows the beaten paih! Par And the hazels slap him in the face! Dora Poor Tipp! Tip [scarcely audible] Billy ! Billy ! Par Poor lunatic! Jef [with the rest, coming for- ward] This is beyond my compre- hension ! Dora & Par And mine ! Jef They are surely laboring un- der a delusion. Par Mad people always are, sir; unless they are stone mad. I have a book on the subject, which says in the second chapter— Jef But, sir! Par What, sir ! Jef You don't understand! Par But the book— Jef Hang the book ! Pol [within] Tipp went this way ! Ann (within) 1 don't believe it! Par More lunatics! Jef I tell you the woods are full of them. x\.MY [within) Don't desert me, my dear; I'm going to faint! Dora Aunt Amy! Oh, Lewis, it's Aunt Amy ! [conceals herself be- hind the parsonage] Jef (to Parson) Now, sir; the cloud will roll away. Par Where's the cloud ? Jef (to Dora) Don't be frightened, Dora dear ; I shall have every thing explained, [coming forward] My friend what are you looking for? Par I am looking for the cloud. Enter Aunt Amy supported by Polly and Anna, U L. E. Jef Well met, ladies ! Ajiy Hold me. my dears, I'm go- ing to faint ! (forgeting to faint) Mr. Lewis, my dear, good Mr. Lewis, we have been hunting high and low for you! Have you seen Dora; do you know wliere she is? Jef I think she is beyond dangei , Madam. Amy Hold me. my dears ; I'm go- ing again ! Jef Ladies, I don't understand. Par Xo, ladies we don't un der stand, (aside > I never saw the woods so full of lunatics. Pol (supporting Aunt Amy) She has been murdered, sir; murdered! Par You don't say! Jef Tliat's hardly possible, ladies, unless you insist murder and mar- riage are synonymous. Pol We have been hunting for the corpse all afternoon and — Jef And lost yourselves? Pol Yes, sir. Did Mr. Tipp pass this way? Jef He did; whom do you sus- picion of having committed so foul a deed ? Amy (reviving rather unnaturally) Vile Tipp! Vile Bivins! My dears- no, my dear, I'm not going this time.. Dora comes forward. Jef Ladies, allow me to Amy Hold me, my dears ; I'm go- ing! Ann Dora! Pol My dear woman, look up! Polly allows her a sitting position— Dora kneels beside and takes her hand. Dora Dear Aunt, I am safe; I am here! Speak to me; forgive me! Amy I have fainted , keep away from me! Dora (taking Amy's hand) Dear Aunt, dear Amy ; you couldn't blame us.you knovi' ! Vou know, dear Aunt, we always— well, my dear Aunt, if a person loves another— oh, my, you know — Amy arises and embraces Dora. Amy No I don't, hussy ; you don't know what you're talking about— no more do I ! Dora But, dear Aunt Amy (Pusliing her away) Don't but me, hussy— un^jratefu!, deceitful — . (embraces Dora) Dora We are expected to marry some dav, Aunt. Amy " (same play) AVho said you wasn't, hussy, you see, hussy, you don't know wliat you're talking about -and, hussy, we've been running Mr. Tipp and Mr. Bivins all over the United States, and we've had armed men running tliem, too, hussy; and here you've been sky-larking with— Jef (laughing) Madam, allow me an explanation! This little girl is my wife; we were wed in yonder chapel -- Amy Hold me, my dears, I'm go- ing again ! , , , Pol Hold yourself, mam! (crosses) Sir! Sir! Sir! What did you mean by telling me to watch Mr. Bivins ? Ann And me, sir! Amy And me, sir! Aunt Amy takes Dora aside and lectures her. Jef So you would not watch me. "All is fair in love and war;"' or, at least, so says the poet. Pol The poet, sir! The poet! And who was the poet! Do you know what you've done? You don't? (Dora escapes from Aunt Amy) Well, I'll tell you; you've busted one of the hap- piest unions this side of Adam and Eve! Jef (embraces Dora) And formed one of the happi^^st! Pol I'm disgusted, sir! Jef So am I ! Amy (crossing) Sir I Jef As they say it at the barber's, "Ne^ct!" Amy Sir ! Jef Madam, do not say what you may regret to unsay. What we are to each other, no power of woj'ds can al- ter. That I am worthy of her my char- acter and station will explain ; let that content you for the present. I assure you, you shall know all in time. Fol- low this ^ood man into his parsonage —if the good man is willing? Par Perfectly, my dear boy. Jef And I will search for the per- sned(Hsi'h:))— anVi ifl can lassoo Uiem— will bring thorn heic and straighten this mysterious affair. Pol Sir; you know— Jef No more. Miss ! The Miller'a Daughter leads the way into the parsonaa-8, followed by Anna, Aunt Amy, Dora and the parson after the following: Jef My good man, I shall repay you well. Par As I am a good man I be- lieve it. Jef By the way. speak well of me to the old lady ? Par I'll h;ive her settled before your return, (exit) Jef Now for Messrs. Tipp and Bivins! (exit L E.) Jo (drunk and singing) A fish without a tail! (Hie) A sturgeon for a whale. Tra, 1m. loo ; a whale ! Hurrah for the whale! Dicky, shut up! Enter Uncle Jo and Dicky U R. Jo Dickv, hie! Dicky, it's getting late, and i wan't to (hie) to bed! Dicky, (hie!) [singsj Fishy, fishy, in the brook, Go to thunder ! Hurrah! Dick Uncle Jo, you're awful full; you won't be able to walk home to- night—you're drunk and you can't de- ny it! Jo You'd be drunk, too, if you'd caught a whale (hie) that's been struck by lisfhtning, and had a fish pond hit you in the back (hie) when you wasn't iooUiiig. (Sillgr>^ A lish without a— whale, A minnow (bic) for a — tail! You'd be drunk, too! (hie) Tra, la, loo, a Whale ! Dick Do you knnvv.bum, my moth- er '11 be waiting supper for me"? Jo Don't go home drunk, Dicky! Dicky — (hie) Dick I know she'll, be waiting. Jo Let her wait; let her wait! (hie) Let her wait! Dick No. I won't; I'm going on ahead, and you can gpt home the best way you can. and I judge that's no way at all. Jo All right, Dicky : don't put your- self out on my account. I'm a poor, old print, I am; I've been misled, I have— [sings] With a fish without a tail, (hie) An I a whale and a stergeon. Hurrah, for the sturgeon! [stagger back and lays down near the cliapei steps.) G(Jod night, sweet (hie) — goood night! Dick No,I won't leave the old man either — poor old cuss! He's got his head on a stone, and I flatter myself it hain't as soft as it might be. (takes off liis coat placing it under Jo's head.) His head will be big enough to-mor- row from wliat's inside, so I'd better keep the outside clear — poor old cuss! (strokes his head and sings ;) "Go to sleep my baby I" &c Enter Bivins and Tipp U. R.— both in a very delapidated condition ; Tipp's coat slit down the back and one coat-tail missing— both of Bivins' Biv (C) Hist! Tip Hist! Biv Now, Tipp, when you see the ghost, jump on it's back, and I'll— but don't you worry about me! Dick [singing.] "Go to sleep my baby !" &c Biv [getting behind Tipp] What's that! Tip O lor' ; I don't know ! Biv [Pushing Tipn toward Dicky] Go on, Tipp; go on! Remember, junip on it's back! Dick Is that vou, Mr. Bivins? Tip Dicky! The devil! Biv [autlioritively] Boy, what are you doing here? Dick Please, sir, Mr. Johnson, sir; had an accident! Biv Very common occurrence, boy ; very common ! Dick He's drunk, sir. Biv Sweet oblivion— sweet obliv- ion! Sonny, look in his inside pocket; if there is no bottle there he hasn't any. [Dick hands him an empty bot- tle] He has! Let me have it, boy? Oblivion, oblivion, sweet oblivion; [tries to drink] alas, oblivion has found a wav into the bottle, before I found the bottle! Tipp passes the parsonage window during the above four speeches, and makes a discovery — within, Dora is surrounded by her female friends and the parson, to whom, it seems she is settling old debts with explana- tions He immediately makes known andex- ibits the discovery to M Bivins. Tip What's this! What— Dora Dorcas talking, laughing! Eh? It's true, because I see her; it's true be- cause I hear her laughing! Leads Bivins U. L. Tip Hist! Biv Hist! That's no ghost! Tip We have been the subject of a joke, sir. Biv Shut up! Tipp you have made a terrible fool of yourself ! Tip Mr. Bivins! Biv Stand here, Tipp, and I'll turn my talents to eaves -dropping. Bivlns enters the parsonage gate— crawls under the window, which is partly open— Tipp leans agi^inst the fence. Tip Do vou hear 'em, sir? Laughing within. Biv Tipp. you liave made a per- fect ass of yourself! Tip I believe it; we have both - Biv Shut up! Tip Mr. Bivins! Laughing within. Biv What's this! The play! She tnew we were going to read a p lay, because — Tipp had read it to her and told her so— that the leading laily was in name the same as herself — that she — Holy Moses. Jerusalem, John Rog- ers- -JifErey put a bug in the. ears of the uninterested parties to overhaul us, so — Jeremiah Hanover ---so he could elope with her and marry her! Tipp, you'll be the laughing stock of the whole village! What's this! She was sure that her name-sake in the play would meet some terrible end, and— [laughing within] Christopher Columbus, Borneo, Sacramento— and— [laughing within] Damme. Mr. Tipp; damme — it was the play ! [comes to IT.C] They were at our elbows, dunce, taking it all in! Tip You don't say so! Biv No, sir ; they said so ! Have we, my noble play-wright,been wading duck-ponds, fallirg into ditches, bump- ing our heads against stone walls — have we, sir; and annihilating this Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit, which has dazzled the entire village of Jerry- ville for the last six months! Have we, play-wright. and for what — damme, sir; for a five act drama! We'll be the laughing stock of the whole world! We'll be pointed at, sneered at, scowled at, and the Whipoorwill '11 come out next week with six columns of ridicule, headed : "The peculiar ad- ventures of Billy Bivins, or The demor- ilization of the Drama in America!" And the Bull Dog, that has barked so victoriously in the past, will be com- pelled to stick his tail between his legs and slunk under a wash-tub; and all, sir — damme, for an emotional drama! Tip Not so fast, Mr. Bivins ; I have an idea! Biv Think for me, Tipp; think for me— I'll sign my cross-bones to it. Tip And take the credit of it, too. (aside) Say, we hasten home, change our clothes, bathe our wounds and when the ladies return they find us on the piazza smoking a brace of Havan- as. Biv You'll treat! Tip ni treat! Biv I forgive you. Tipp! Shake! Tip Thanks! Biv It's an excellent idea; I'm glad I thought of it. Come on; no time to lose! Come on! (to Dicky) Boy, if any body asks you, if you have seen Bivins say, No, sir, ree! and I'll raise your wages. I wouldn't be caught here for fifty dollars! Come on, Tipp, we'll turn the tables; we will, indeed! It takes a whole regiment to corner Bivins, except, Tipp, in case of an emotional. Come on! They meet Jeffrey U. R. E. Biv Jerusalem, John Kogers! Jef Gentlemen, I have been hunt- ing for you! Come into the parson- age ; the ladies await you there. Biv Mr. Lewis— I mean, Jeffrey— I beg your pardon , but I iiave an en- gagement. Jef You have! Biv The fact is, Mr. Lewis— I mean, .Jeffrey— Mr. Tipp has met an accident! Jef (aside) They both look as if they'd met something! Biv Yes, sir; we were about to sit dovvn to dinner, when we saw a Jer- sey Bull, on the other side of the hill, rushing toward our party with all ihe vehemence of a locum )tive, and loco- motive like, we rushe 1 toward the Jersey! My dear Tipp was clutched in his fond embrace. You will ob- serve that the left tail of his coat is missing, and that there is a minute opening down the back, running diag- onally with the back-bone! Mr. Tipp, turn around! Tip (aside) Am I a cartoon I Biv And if you will observe furth- er, this raiment which hangs so losely about this noble form; noting the pros- pectus, or rear view, especially, (he turns his back to the parsonage and audience.) Jeffrey goes to and opens the parsonage door, and motions the ladles to come out. Biv (same position) Where did T leave off ? Tip At especially, Biv (same position) The left tail of the coat remains! Enter Dora, Anna, Polly, Aunt Amy, Parson and Miller's Daughter— All walk softly to- ward and stand behind Tipp and Bivins . Tip You look amazingly from the rear, Mr. Bivins ! Biv (same position) Stupendous! Tip Like a rabbit! '"^Biv (same position) Tipp, if I looked as hard as you -ha. ha, ha! The idea of losing one of your eoat tails — ha, ha. ha! You see mine still float on the breezes, (tries to find them) Jerusalem, John Rogers, I've lost both of mine! Amy Billy, you look top-heavy! All laugh heartly. Biv (turning) O lor'! DoKA (embracing Bivins) You dear old Billy Bivins! Biv Ah, little Dorcas. Tip In the words of the poet. Caught! Biv (embraces the ladies separate- ly, then all ac once.) My dear Aunt! My dear sister! My dear unknown! My dears! "Don't view me with a critic's eye, But pass my imperfections by!" Dora You forgive me, coz? Biv I forgive everybody ; I em- brace everybody! (embraces every- body) Except you, Mr. Jeffrey — I mean, Lewis — Jeffrey; that's it! Jef I beg your pardon! Im a your brother editor, as they would say it at the play, your cousin, too; who like unto the bird wliose nest 's been rav- ished of its mate, flew to the place of her imprisonment, and used all means both fair and foul to lure her back again. You have forgiven the cause, forgive the following disgrace? Biv What a speech for Alazadam as he approaches Santiago by moon light. Eh. Tipp? Old boy, I forgive you! Shake! (to U L) But don't say any thing about it! ' • Tip [U R] Hain't anybody going to ask my forgiveness? Biv (crossing) Shut up! There's my delicious Polly Paulding! (crosses back.) Ann I ask your forgiveness. Tip (taking her hands) And we'll be married in the spring, won't we? All poets are wed in the spring. Ann So you said this morning, sir. Tip Spring's over! Take me as I am, at six dollars a week! (embrace) Biv [leading Polly to U Cj Mr. Tipp! Tip Mr. Bivins, don't be so fresh ! Biv I forgive you! Polly dear, look at me! I am not so sweet as I was this morning, but I feel sweet; my great heart gallops for you. And though my back Looks out of whack, It's not the coat tails which oroclaim the man ! Pol I'll take you without them, Billy. They embrace. Amy ^to Parson) Isn't it shock- ing. Parson ! Tip (with Anna crossing to U C.) Mr. Bivins! Biv Mr. Tipp ! Tip I'm ashamed of you ! Biv Shut up! Friends and Sub- scribers: Before the curtain falls up- on our modest comedy, I beg leave to inform you, the Bull Dog still barks ; and when you are born— Tip Go to college or out of town — Biv Graduate with the highest honors— Tip Start in business— Biv Get married— Tip Have a birth or a birthday party— Biv An accident— Tip Or a divorce— Biv Or pass in your checks— send us a postal — Tip I'll write it up! Dick & Jo [Coming forward] We'll set it up! Biv And I'll take the credit of it! CURTAIN. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 401 314 7