TYCOON 
 
 OF THE 
 
 Old Dominion 
 
 O R , 
 
 HOW WE APPLES SWIM. 
 
 ^J[ MELLOW \]\m}.^ 
 
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^THE^ 
 
 TYCOON 
 
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 — OF THE — 
 
 OLD DOMINION, 
 
 — OR — 
 
 now "^^'E APPLES S"U^IM. 
 
 A MELLOW DRAMA. 
 
 I^I^IOE, 50 OElsTTS. 
 
 
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 ly^xhburg; VA. .- 
 
 J. p. Bell Sc Co., Steam Power Printers. 
 
 1S81. 
 
 ■•> 
 

 Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1881, 
 
 BY THE YIEGINIA PEOPLE,* 
 In the office of tiie Librarian of Congress atAYashington. 
 
 rb<j 
 
 K^. 
 
 ,&.CIA,( 
 
THE TYCOON OF THE OLD DOMINION ; 
 
 OE, 
 
 HOW WE APPLES SWIM. 
 
 A MELLOW DRAMA. 
 
 Dra m a t is Peri^on <i: : 
 The Tycoox. Duke of Rockingha^[. 
 
 Lord Mayor of Petersbvrg. Count of Tenxej^see. 
 
 Scene : Eichmond — An attic chamber — The Tycoon sitting at 
 a table, with decanters^ bottles, glasses, copies of Eichmond Whig 
 and National Eepublican on the jloor. 
 
 Tycoon : — Now is the worry of our discontent 
 Made blacker darkness by this Roscoe, son of York, 
 And all the hopes that beamed upon our cause — 
 In the dark bosom of his folly buried. 
 Once AS'ere our brows bound with victorious wreaths, 
 Now bruised arms hang up for monuments, 
 Now merry meetings changed to stern alarms 
 And happy measures changed to dreadful struggles ; 
 Grim visaged w^ar hath raised his wrinkled front, 
 But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks — 
 I that am curtailed of all fair proportion, 
 Cheated of stature by dissembling nature, 
 
A runt and stunted — scarce half made up, 
 And tliat so lamely and unfashionable 
 That Bourbons sneer at me as they pass by me, 
 And mongrels fawn upon me in the street. 
 So as I am subtle, false and treacherous, 
 Politically, Til prove a villian ! {rap at door.) 
 What ho ! Who comes there ? 
 
 {Enter Duke of Rockingham, in ulster covered with soot and dustj 
 with XL- arrant from U. S. Court in his hand.) 
 
 EocKiNGHAM. Hail chief, I greet thee, Grand Tycoon of all 
 Virginia. 
 How fares it with thy puny corporosity 
 iSince thou didst pass the fiery ordeal 
 Of the late fiasco at the Capitol ? 
 He would have been a cunning dog indeed 
 Who found excuse to lay his hands on thee ; 
 Bat then their tongues — oh, those fearful tongues-r- 
 I did blush even in the darkness of my chamber 
 When I did meditate upon the vile but truthful things 
 They said of thee. 
 
 Tycoox. Softly, good Rockingham ; 
 
 It seems to me such blushes sit but ill upon your cheek. 
 Unless your visage be of that convenient kind 
 That shrouds itself in blushes o'er a neighbor's folly, 
 To hide the deep damnation of its owner's guilt. 
 'Tis said by those who are supposed to know such things 
 That the internal crookedness of your Ofl[icial life 
 Is simply awful ; and some say that nothing 
 But the hate and black malignity you have shown 
 Against your friends and neighbors in the South 
 
Have saved your office to you ; and others, wiser, say 
 That 'tis in payment of your treachery, some ten years since, 
 In that same little job in your election to the Senate 
 Which we put up on these same silly people of Virginia. 
 
 But d — n it man, be seated. 
 When skunks bestink each other 'tis but waste of stench. 
 To prick each other's reputation will illy fit our minds 
 For the role of high morality and virtue which we shall play 
 Before the gaping fools of this convention I have called. 
 Be seated, do. (RocJcingham sUs, still holding paper.) 
 What paper's that you carry ? 
 
 [Rockingham shows it ) 
 By my soul, a warrant I Are you a constable, to carry 'round a 
 
 wallet, 
 And crawl in grimy holes to ferret out jobs for your court ? 
 
 Rockingham. Gad no ! By some mistake or blunder of a clerk 
 This same has reached me, ^ay, now I see 
 That this warrant commands my presence 
 At the department of justice. Let it pass — 'lis but a trifle. 
 Such monstrous fees are filched from out the public treasury 
 Or ground out of poor suitors in these courts, 
 That we whose perquisites they are can well afford 
 To roll in luxury, while we confide the execution of our offices 
 To men of mean estate — men. we can buy with money — 
 Republicans who are Republicans for office sake, 
 And Democratic soreheads, who, having failed 
 To get office in their own party. 
 Come creeping into ours for place. 
 
 Tycoon. Xow once for all 
 
 I say I am no Republican. 
 
 Rockingham. And I say you are no Democrat, 
 
6 
 
 Else you woukl deem the touch of such as me polution, 
 
 And I should flee from you as from a pestilence. 
 Tycoon. And what are you, that you should carp at me ? 
 
 When was it ever heard, Republicans could be Eepudiators ? 
 
 But let us cease this chaffing, and to business : 
 
 No common principle draws us together; plunder and spoils 
 
 control us. 
 Could you but sit beside me in the Capitol^ 
 We might together bear the scorn of all good men ; 
 Together defy all decency, and the world should point to us 
 And say : Par nohile fratrum ! 
 
 Uncertainty and doubt should cover us as a mantle ; 
 Self-interest our principle, and private ends our only aim. 
 And hark ye, Eockingham, the skillful casting of our votes. 
 
 Unfettered thus by principle, should gather ^round us 
 
 Such a host of base retainers and hangers-on, 
 
 That we should even borrow the semblance of respectability. 
 
 Dost like it, Eockingham ? There's place and power in it. 
 
 Eockingham. Like it ? Aye that I do, right well. 
 Pov>'er ! Power ! dear idol of my heart ! 
 \\ hat will not a man do for place and power ? 
 Tycoon. And you will help me, Eockingham? 
 Eockingham. Help you ? With that picture in my mind 
 I'd help you tho' my party burst to atoms. 
 With these hands Td tear up the last plank of its platform. 
 And the last beam should be split to shivers, 
 If could thereby, for myself, gain place and power. 
 My Country may stand second ; /am first. 
 
 Tycoon. But the party, Eockingham— can'st bring the party ? 
 'J hou would'st be a dear bargain to us at any price 
 If thou can'st not bring thy party. 
 
Kockixgha:m. The party, yes ; 
 
 We've scattered offices and place among them 
 Till every white mother's son of them has his finger 
 In the public crib, or has a cousin or some kinsman 
 Faf ning on the spoils of office ; of all my kin, 
 To the remotest generation, not one but sucks the public teat. 
 
 Tycoon. But the niggers I Rockingham, the niggers ! 
 D — n your party without the niggers — it is nothing. 
 
 EocKiNGHAM. Aye, the niggers ; we have instilled such 
 poison into their souls. 
 
 And poured such lying tales into their ears 
 
 Of brutal outrages and wrongs committed by their only friends. 
 
 That they are mad with rage, and we have only to rekindle 
 
 The fires already set burning by our traitor hands, 
 
 And goad them further still with lying tales 
 
 "We have grown skilled in framing, to drive them 
 
 Where we will, e'en tho' it be to ruin. 
 
 They are ours, bound fast by chains more strongly forged 
 
 Than ever bound them to their masters in the olden time 
 
 Of slavery. 
 
 But since you e^uestion me, what of thine ov/n party ? 
 
 Can'st lead the white men of your party ? — 
 
 Born Democrats — bred Democrats — men who have been 
 
 Among those who have held their heads high above 
 
 The faintest thought of Coallition vrith Republicans — 
 
 Men having every reason the most skillful cunning could devise 
 
 To hate the very name Republican — 
 
 Can'st thou bring them to such si pass 
 
 That they shall give the lie to all their record in the past ; 
 
 Spit upon and trample under foot traditions dear as life 
 
8 
 
 And kiss tlie hand tliat smites them ? 
 Can'st tliou do this ? 
 
 Tycoon. You over-rate tlie virtue of the men I deal with, 
 Good Kockingliam ; they are such as I can lead 
 By the mere power of my will into any scheme 
 ]My fancy may propound. They are as blind as bats, 
 And follow where I lead with a simplicity 
 And confidence that puts to blush 
 The power your party wields o'er the poor deluded African. 
 
 EocKiXGiiAM. Good sooth, things are in hot case 
 For our schemes of plunder. 
 But hark ! Some one approaches. 
 
 Tycoon. 'Tis our good Lord Mayor of Petersburg, 
 Who comes to hold sweet counsel with me. 
 He champions my fight. 
 
 ( Filter the Lord Mayor.) 
 
 L. M. Ha ! I see you are engaged. Excuse me. 
 
 Tycoon. Be seated, Petersburg — 'tis no intrusion. 
 You find here in good Lord Eockingham 
 
 A friend whose heart responds to all our schemes of plunder — 
 As brave a knight as e'er couched lance 
 In fight like ours. 
 
 L. M. Do I understand, my Lord Tycoon, that good Lord 
 Rockingham 
 Penounces all allegiance to the party we call Eepublican ? 
 My record in the past forbids — 
 
 Tycoon. Stay, my Lord, such haste will spoil the broth — 
 
 PocKiNGHAM. Llold ! Speaking of records, 
 How is it my Lord of Petersburg and 
 My Lord the Tycoon smother each other 
 
9 
 
 In such fond embraces now ? 
 The time was — 
 
 Tycoon. D — n it, stop ! This is no time 
 For raking in the smouldering ashes of the past 
 For records that would damn us all. In limes like these 
 There should be honor e'en in a business like ours. 
 My Lord of Rockingham is with me ; my Lord of Peterssburg is 
 
 with me : 
 What more do we want ? My Lord, (to L. 31.) 
 What can'st thou do with the hard money Democrats 
 Who have followed thee in the past ? 
 
 L. M. (stiffly). My Lord of Rockingham and I can agree on 
 that at least 
 They will folloAv me. 
 
 Tycoox. You speak stiffly, Lord May^.r ; such things ought 
 not to be. 
 You shall be the oil, my Lord of Rockingham the water, 
 And I the alkali that makes you mix ; 
 Soft soap will be the product, 
 W^ith which we'll lubricate the sovereigns. 
 
 RocKixGHAM. Good, good. 
 
 L. M. Excellent; we can agree to that. 
 But, my Lord Tycoon, what of this d— n Yankee Parson 
 Who so longs to Readjust the taxes on his Forty Dullar Watch? 
 AVill he dance to the music tliat we pipe ? 
 Methinks that he has sought to feather his own nest 
 In this matter of a Governor. 
 
 Tycoon. Oh, d— n the Yankee Parson ; 
 I'll put a stopper on his vaulting ambition. 
 •' Virginia for Virginians"— that cry will win. 
 I ran a road to ruin once, 
 
10 
 
 And tliat same blatant cry stilled every effort at investigation. 
 If he dances not to oiir music, he shall not dance at all. 
 But my Lord of Tennessee should be here by now. 
 Ah, liere }\e is. {Enter Count of Tennessee.) 
 IIow now good Count? 
 Thine honor sits upon thee lightly. 
 Haft hreaJcfasted ? 
 
 Count. Aye, aye, my Lord. Good cheer. Cousins of Eock- 
 ingham and Petersburg. 
 How stand the times in your sections ? 
 Bourbons, Funders and Gripsackers— do they still prate 
 Of honor with thee ? 
 
 L. M. As for me, I have ever held that honor— 
 
 Count. D— n honor, it w^on't buy a breakfast ! 
 I've taught my people that the fair name and fame 
 Of this good Commonwealth depend upon low taxes — 
 Low to the poor man, but high to confiscation for the rich. 
 Forty acres and a mule did more wdien war had ended 
 In shaping our Constitution than all tlie honors 
 Gained by Lee and Jackson. 
 Fools do prate of honor — 
 Wise men count the votes. 
 
 There is more power with the masses, in flooding knee deep 
 With greenbacks all the land, in repudiating 
 Alike the Nation's debt and honor. 
 
 Than Shallow Sherman gained with ten thousand National 
 Banks. 
 
 Tycoon. Good Count, thy wisdom amazes us. 
 
 L. M. But, great Tycoon, mine honor— 
 
 Count. D— n it, man, what hast thine honor to do with it ? 
 Did r not send a delegation solid from the Southwest 
 
11 
 
 That did make our gracious Lord the great Tycoon — 
 
 That made him Senator ? Did I not, last fall, in our district, 
 
 Fill our convention with delegates, each for me instructed ? 
 
 But for the theft of the Red Fox, I should to-day 
 
 Sit in council at the Capitol. Is not our convention already 
 
 packed, 
 And so instructed that they dare not vote against me ? 
 What did it ? Ask the hard-fisted yeomanry of the Southwest. 
 Poor fools I they have to work, and what is honor to them ? 
 D — n it, man, brace up. Conscience doth inake cowards of us all. 
 Away with honor. Fools prate of honor, 
 Of plighted faith and public credit. We want ofiice. 
 
 RocKiXGHAzsi. Bight, good Count of Tennessee, right. 
 Our hearts yearn longingly for place and power. 
 And we should stifle every sentiment of honor that might fetter us. 
 
 Tycoon. Ah, right he is good Lord Mayor, 
 And well doth Kockingham know it for the truth, 
 Honor is but an empty name ; place and power — these are tan- 
 gible. 
 The Bishop of Albemarle shall be whipped into the traces. 
 I'll bid him bring liis power, and if he fail, off goes his head ; 
 They shall know that J do lead the soldiers in this fight. 
 The stubborn Duke of Norfolk shall fall into the line 
 And follow Accomac. That Wise man from the east is with us. 
 I'll see that Harry, the plumed knight of the Valley, 
 Shall eat his words like dirt, else his mace shall fall. 
 Paul, the Apostle, shall join his forces with the Diike of Rock- 
 ingham ; 
 The Count of Tennessee shall clasp hands 
 With faithful Abraham, whom he dubs the Fox ; 
 And the breezes of the Valley and the s^reat Southwest 
 
12 
 
 <^'''' kissonr banner as it lloats victorious be\ ond the Blue 
 
 Ridge. 
 Men there are who will shut their eyes to reason and blindly 
 
 follow onr lead ; 
 These with the blaek coliort.s of the good Lord of Rockingham * 
 Will join to bear our banner, inscribed with tlie noble motto 
 Of onr good Count of Tennessee, to victory. 
 Let Bourbons and Gripsackers alike beware I 
 Let us to horse, there's victory in the air I 
 Let's take a drink. {Fours from decanter.) 
 Rockingham Agreed. 
 Coi^^T. Agreed, for I am dry. 
 
 (All take glasses and hob nob.) 
 Tycoon. We drink a toast — no idle sentiment. 
 Here's success to our dickering, and down with every principle 
 That would fetter us : 
 
 United we stand, divided we fall, 
 Rockingham, Petersburg, niggers and all. 
 Damned be the first falierer ; on him be the blame 
 AVho blushes for honor or shrinks from the shame. 
 {They drink.) 
 Voices. SHAME! shame! shame! shame! 
 Rockingham (Dropping info a chair.) Shades of the sainted 
 
 Lincoln ! 
 L. M. {Bushing for the door.) Shades of the dead Jefferson ! 
 Count {Craiding under the table.) Oh, for Vaughn's brigade! 
 Tycoon (In hushed tones.) Tis but the voices of the men who 
 fell in the crater. 
 They often haunt me thus when I do meditate on such things. 
 Let us go hence. 
 
 {Exeunt onmes.) 
 
LIBRflRV OF CONGRESS 
 
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