»S 635 
 Z9 
 167 
 opy 1 
 
 fnp 
 
 UPS AND DOWNS 
 
 I 
 
 -OF- 
 
 IL fltLB^ 
 
 A PLAY WRITTEN OS THE EARLY DAYS OF OILDOM. 
 
 A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS 
 
 -BY- 
 
 IWr. 'Csm>m-mr^v%^ 
 
 Copyright' February 7, 1890, by Wm. N. Calverfc. 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 MILLEBSTOWN, PA. 
 
 "heeald" book and job printing office. 
 
UPS AND DOWNS 
 
 -OF- 
 
 ^. 
 
 i® mlh Il©m 
 
 A PLAY WRITTEN OX THE EARLY DAYS OF OILDOM. 
 
 A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS 
 
 -BY- 
 
 W%r 
 
 I«r. Csm^Mrmr^-m^^^ 
 
 Copyright February 7, 1890, by Wm. N. Calvert. 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 
 CT 9 1890 
 
 V 
 
 MILLERSTOWN. PA. \ 
 
 "HEEALD" book and job PBINTINGlMc aL.... , 
 
 1890. "T ' 
 
^o^p V^ 
 
 i 
 
 h^\^ 
 
 V 
 
 K 
 
 TMP92-008787 
 
UPS AND DOWNS i OIL FIELDS. 
 
 Play Written on the Early Days of Oildom 
 Drama in Three Acts by Wm. N. Calvert. 
 
 Copyright February 7, 1890, by William N. Calvert. 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 J. B. BLACKMOEE, an Oil King. 
 
 BYRON M. SWIFT, Oil Well Pumper. 
 
 JONATHAN SWIFT, an Eastern Yankee. 
 
 JOSEPH VERNE, Confidential Clerk and Lawyer. 
 
 HARRY HOLMES, Book Keeper. 
 
 MRS. J. B. BLACKMORE, Oil King's wife. 
 
 BESSIE BLACKMORE, Oil King's daughter. 
 
 BERTHA MOSS, schoolmarm. 
 
 POLLY AND JANE SCHRUGGINS, two old maids. 
 
 TOM JINKS, an English dude. 
 
 Teamsters, Officers, and others. 
 
 ACT 1. 
 
 Scene I. — Office of Blackmore & Co., with sign over door. Desk and 
 office furniture. Blackmore discovered reading. Holmes at desk 
 examining books. 
 
 Blackmore. Mr. Holmes, have we i-ec3ived any news yet from 
 that last shipment of oil ? 
 
 Holmes. Yes, here is the letter. (Hands letter. Blackmore 
 reads aloud.) 
 
 Messrs. Blackmore & Co : — Gentlemen: Your shipment of the 
 21st has arrived. You may draw on us for ten thousand dollars through 
 Bennett Brothers. Very Truly Ycurs, 
 
 T. B. Harcort & Co. 
 
 Blackmore. (Looking up). When Verne comes in tell him to 
 
make that draft on Harcourt and have that small sum placed on our 
 private books. The next shipment will not be so large. It can go on 
 the company's books. Eemember and put all the expenses on the 
 company's books. We will want a little wine supper out of that ten 
 thousand some of these nights. I say, Holmes, my hair pulls this 
 morning; where did you get that whiskey we had last night? It 
 must be rare. 
 
 Holmes. It was called the best in the city. It cost five dollars a 
 quart. You must have drank too much. 
 
 Blackmore, Why, bless you ; I did not drink two dozen glasses. 
 (Rubs head.) I will be back soon. (Exit.) 
 
 [Efflter Verne.] 
 
 Verne. Good morning, Mr. Holmes. Where is Mr. Blackmore 
 this morning ? 
 
 Holmes. Oh, his hair pulls as usual, and and he has gone to 
 get it straightened out. 
 
 Verne. He is drinking too much lately, and does too much talk- 
 ing when he is full. It is rumored now on the street that he is doiuir 
 a crooked business. 
 
 Holmes. Well, if the people knew all they would think so; 
 selling ten-eighths in a well and yel holding the controlling interest. 
 How did he manage that ? 
 
 Verne. By selling interests to the different people from the cities 
 and never having more than four stockholders here at one lime. They 
 all think that is all he sold. He makes the assessments light, but I 
 am afraid he will get into trouble yet; he carries it too bold. 
 There is a man at the hotel now, a Yankee, who is looking after some- 
 thing. He is very smart or very green. I don't know wh.it to make 
 of him. 
 
 [Enter Blackmore excited.] 
 
 Blackmore. I say boys, there is a funny old Yank at the hotel, 
 and I think he has money. I have a notion to sell him an eighth in 
 the well. 
 
 Verne. Y^'ou had better watch that Yank. I was talking with him, 
 and I believe he is pretty smart. 
 
 Blackmore. Oh, he is as green as a pumpkin. Interview the old 
 chap to-day Verne, and see what we can make of him. We will have 
 
5. 
 
 a little wine party to-night, and invite the old Yank in. We will have 
 some fun, and at the same time sound him and see what can be made 
 out of him. Now, boys, I am going to the country to-day to try 
 and get a lease of the old maid's farm. (Exit. Curtain.) 
 
 Scene II. — Hotel office. Discovers Mr. Swift reading paper and talk- 
 ing to his son. 
 
 Mr. Swift. Here, boy, listen to this (Reads.) The Blackmore 
 well is one of the best producing wells in this district, judging from 
 the number of barrels that leave it daily. (Turning to his son.) And 
 still calling on money every month for expenses. There is something 
 wrong here that must be made right. 
 
 [Enter Verne.] 
 
 Verne. Good morning ! Mr. Swift, I believe. 
 
 Swift. Yes, sir ; Johathan Swift, at your service. 
 
 Verne. My name is Verne, and I represent the firm of Blackmore 
 & Co., oil producers. 
 
 Swift. Glad to meet you sir. You are the vei-y man I want to- 
 see. I am thinking of investing in this business, and you can give 
 me some advice and much needed information. 
 
 Verne. (Laughing.) I might advise you wrong. 
 
 Swift. So yon might, but any information you can give me will 
 be appreciated. I have some money lying idle, and you know it is a^ 
 good thing to keep it moving. 
 
 Verne. Yes, I believe I can find a very good investment in a few 
 days for you, and in the meantime I hope to impi'ove your acquaint- 
 ance. We would be pleased to have you call at our office this evening,, 
 where we are to have a little wine party. 
 
 Swift. I will be happy to do so. 
 
 Verne. This is your son, I believe. 
 
 Swift. Yes, this is my son, Byron M. Swift. (They shake hands.) 
 I think I will get him a situation, and then 1 will invest. 
 
 Verne. (Rises.) Bring your son with you this evening. I 
 think Mr. Blackmore will give him a situation, and in the mean tim& 
 we can find some profitable investment. Good day. (Exit.) 
 
 Swift. By gum, boy, this is splendid ; it is the very thing I want. 
 If I can get you in that office I can find out where my money is go- 
 ing. You muHt be very green and play your part well. (Going out 
 door. Curtain.) 
 
Scene III. — Office as in scene 1st. Table with glasses and liquor bot- 
 tles. Blackmore and party seated at table drinking. 
 
 Blackmore. (Pours out drink.) Here is to tbe health of the Yank. 
 I think it is about time he was here. 
 
 [Enter Swift and Son.] 
 
 Blackmore. Good evening, Mr. Swift; be seated. 
 
 Swift. Haouw dew ye deow. This is my son, Byron Swift. 
 
 Blackmore. That is a smart boy of your's, Swift. 
 
 Swift. Naouw you'r right, Mr. Blackmore. If that boy works 
 for you one month, yeou could not deou without him. Yeou give 
 that boy a slate and pencil and he can tell yeou what oil will be worth 
 nextsuinmer. (All laugh.) 
 
 Blackmore. Mr. Swift, I believe I will have to give your son a 
 situation. Well, Mr. Swift, join us in a glass of wine. 
 
 Swift. We never drink. (Winks at boy. Sends boy to postoffice. 
 They then drink several times. Boy returns.) 
 
 Young Swift. There is no mail for us. 
 
 Swift. (Takes boy aside.) Keep in good company; do as dad 
 does; never drink. (While boy's back is turned he drinks again. 
 This is repeated every few minutes, during which the others continue 
 to converts about oil raxtters. Sends his son to the hotel and plays 
 very drunk, blowing about his smart son.) Now, Mr. Blackmore, how 
 much will you pay my boy, and what do you want him to dew ? 
 
 Blackmore. Well. I will pay him three dollars a day to look after 
 the office and well, see to the oil, and he can learn to pump. 
 
 Swift. Yeou don't say ! That is most a fortune. You will find 
 out he is pretty smart when he is here a few days. (Aside to audi- 
 ence He will straighten things out ) Mr. BlAckmore, you must be 
 making money pretty fast to give such wine parties. 
 
 Blackmore. Oh, this is nothing, sometimes they cost me two 
 thousand dollars. 
 
 Swift. Yeou don't say. (Aside. I think it costs me something, 
 too. We will straighten it all up.) Say, Mr. Blackmore, I bought a 
 small interest in a lease from a man in New York, and I came out 
 here to hunt it up. 
 
 Blackmore. Have you found it yet ? 
 
 Swift. No, I will let my boy hunt for it, and \then you get mc a 
 good investment I will come out and pay you for it. (They all drink. 
 
7. 
 
 Swift gets very drunk and slips to the floor muttering, "Boy keep in 
 good company." The others leave the office, leaving Swift. Swift 
 rises, goes to desk, and examines papers and books. (To audience.) 
 Mr. Blackmore, we will have some fun with the old Yank. (Exit. 
 Curtain.) 
 
 Scene IV. — Office. Blackmore and companions discovered. 
 
 Blackmore. I wonder what has become of the old Yank and his 
 smart son. 
 
 [Enter Swift and Son.] 
 
 Swift. Good morning, Mr. Blackmore. 
 
 Blackmore. Good morning Mr. Swift. This is a fine morning. 
 Your son can go to work this morning, and I trust we will get along 
 well. 
 
 Swift. (Aside.) You bet you will, and in the end he will 
 straighten you up as straight as a sucker rod. 
 
 Blackmore. Mr. Swift, have a hair-straightener this morning? 
 (Pours drinks.) 
 
 Sv^ift. (Winks towards boy.) I never drink. (When boy's back 
 is turned takes big drink.) Goes to boy and says: "Always keep in 
 good company." I am going east for a short time, and when I return 
 I hope you will have a good investment for me. 
 
 Blackmore. I will have something for you in a few days, as I 
 have a farm in view that looks good at present 
 
 Swift. All right, I will be on hand. (To boy. Keep an eye on 
 that farm. I won't be far away.) Well, good-day; be good to the boy. 
 
 Blackmore. Good-by ; remember the investment. (Exit Swift.) 
 
 Blickmore. (To boy.) Now, Mr. Swift, what is your first name? 
 
 Young Swift. Byron M. Swift, sir. 
 
 Blackmore. Well, for short, we will call you Jack. Now, Jack, 
 you can go down to the well and see that there is no oil hauled away 
 only on orders from this office. 
 
 Byron, or Jack. All right, I will attend to it and keep it straight. 
 (Exit.) 
 
 (Blackmore reads and soon exits. Holmes wi'ites at desk all this 
 time. Noise of wagons is heard without, and following dialogue be- 
 tween teamsters.) 
 
 1st T. Get up, Tom. I'm 'fraid I will lose that old boss just as I 
 
8. 
 
 did that mule which got into the mud hole. I only saw the point of one 
 ear after he went down, and now they drive right over him. 
 
 2d. T. Hello, Dave ; what stock is that bald face of yours? 
 
 1st T. I kin trace that stock right back to Nowers ark. I 
 drove that boss from Pittsburg to Titusville once in six hours. 
 
 2d. T. Oh, you are mistaken ; that is 150 miles. 
 
 1st T. I don't care if it is 500. I could prove it if old Bill 
 Jones was alive. I hauled ten tons of stone with that brown team, 
 and I could prove it if old Bill was alive. 
 
 2d T. Yes, Old Bill was a great man. He was a standing witness 
 for everyone. 
 
 1st T. I hope the teams won't blo^-k the road to-day. The last 
 time I was blocked I hat to set on my wagon three days and nights 
 before I got moving. (Sounds gradually fading away and voices lost. 
 
 Jack. (Jack rushes in office.) How is this? Some men haul six 
 barrels, some seven, and some eight, and their order is for one load. 
 
 Holmes. Oh. we fix that when we settle with the teamsters. 
 (Pulls out watch.) Time for dinner. (Closes desk. Exits.) 
 
 Jack. (Examines papers and books.) By gosh ! Only six barrels 
 goes to the company's dump. I will straighten things all out yet. 
 Mr. Blackmore, there is a shadow after you. (Exit. Curtain.) 
 
 Scene 5. — Office. Table. Chairs. Blackmore party discovered 
 gambling. Jack waiting on table and delivering drinks. 
 
 Blackmore. (Feeling in pocket.) Jack, hand me a matoh. Oh, 
 never mind, I have a small bill. (Pulls out ten dollar bill, lights it at 
 lamp and lights cigar. Jack watching closely.) 
 
 Jack. (Aside.) Ten dollars! There goes some of dad's money. 
 Well, T will make things all right yet. 
 
 Blackmore. (Drinks.) I say boys, this is hard wine. Jack, get 
 me some soda water. 
 
 Jack. (Starts, then turns.) Hot or cold ? 
 
 Blackmore. Cold, you dunce ; I want to drink it. 
 
 Jack. (Starts, turns, and says:) Mr. Blackmore, aint you mis- 
 taken ? You surely do not want to drink soap and water. (All laugh.) 
 
 Blaokmore. Soda water. Go to the saloon and ask for a bottle 
 of soda water. (Jack soon returns with bottle, bands to B'aekniore 
 who does nn^, take it, but says): Open it. 
 
 Jack, It is a]] tied up with a san.l T)ii!n;> line. 
 
Blackmore. Cut it. (Jack cuts string. Cork hits Blackmore in 
 
 face and spills soda water over others at table. Blackmore scolds. 
 
 Jack. I did not know it was loaded (Then wipes up water and 
 
 play is resumed. AH drink frequently. Money on table. Dispute 
 
 and hot words follow between Blackoiore and gambler. 
 
 Gambler. You are a drunken liar. The money is mine. (Black- 
 more and Gambler spring to their feet each drawing a revolver and 
 covering the other. Others fall back terror-stricken. Jack springs 
 between and strikes up their arms as the pistols are fired. Others now 
 interfere. Holmes secures money. Jack puts hat on Blackmore and 
 leads him out. Curtain, and rises on bedroom in Blackmore's house. 
 Mrs. Blackmore and daughter discovered. Enter Blackmore; takes 
 off shoes; falls over chair; is very drunk. 
 
 Blackmore. (Hick) What did you get up for? 
 
 Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Blackmore ; have you no respect for your wife 
 and child? 
 
 Blackmore. (Hick) Got dispatch from New York, you know; oil 
 gone up, you know ; was waiting for dispatch, you know ; got in with 
 the boys, you know. (Tries to find bed, but falls on floor and sleeps.) 
 
 Mrs. B. Oh, why was such a thing as liquor invented? (Rings 
 hands.) Oh, is it possible that I am tied to such dissipation — the one 
 thing 1 most dread? Oh, my God; when I think of my child! 
 (Rings hands and cries.) Oh. my child, my child ; would that I had 
 never seen this hour. Oh, this is the beginning of dark days— if I 
 only had a mother to go to. 
 
 Blackmore. (Yells out.) Maudlin, can't you keep that brat of a 
 young one still and let a gentleman sleep? The mattress is as hard as 
 a brick. You (hick) ought to be thrashed for making a bed as hard as 
 this. (Sleeps. Curtain.) 
 Scene 6. — Morning. Office. Holmes at desk. Verne reading paper. 
 
 [Enter Blackmore.] 
 
 Blackmore. Good morning, boys ; I have heard of a farm for sale 
 or lease. It is owned by a couple of old maids. I am going to get 
 that farm and sell it to that old Yank. 
 
 Jack. (Listening nt door. Aside.) We will see about that. 
 (E.xit, Curtain.) 
 
10. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Scene I. — Eoom in farm house. Two elderly ladies discovered dress" 
 ed in rural style. Knock at door. Ladies arise, one says "Come 
 in." Enter Blackmore. 
 
 Blackmore. Good day, ladies. 
 
 Old Maid. Good morning; take a chair. 
 
 Blackmore. Well, ladies, I heard you wanted to sell or lease your 
 farm. 
 
 Old Maid, Where are you from ? 
 
 Blackmore. My name is Blackmore. I am formerly from New 
 York City, but late of Pit Hole. 
 
 Old Maid. New York is quite a big town, ain't it ? 
 
 Blackmore. Yes, a large city. Which would you prefer to do; 
 lease or sell your farm ? 
 
 Old Maid. We havn't thought which. Are you married, Mr. 
 Blackmore? 
 
 Blackmore (twists uneasily.) Well, now yes, partly. 
 
 (One Maid to the other.) Is he married only half? 
 
 Blackmore. Now, can I induce you to lease to me ? 
 
 Old Maid. Have you any partners, Mr. Blackmore? 
 
 Blackmore. (Aside. Confound them, I have it.) Yes, I 
 have two fine young men, but they both want to get married if they 
 can find ladies. 
 
 Old Maids (move close to Blackmore.) What is their names, and 
 how old are they ? 
 
 Blackmore. Their names are Holmes and Verne. (Uneasy.) Now, 
 if you will let me have your farm I will send them out. You can then 
 have a talk with them. What do you say ? 
 
 Old Maid. Does your partners live in New York ? 
 
 Blackmore. Yes, when they are at home. Have you decided to 
 let me have your farm? 
 
 Old Maid. When will you send your partners here? 
 
 Blackmore (Rises, walks across floor. Aside. "Oh, the devil ; 
 this is the worst I ever struck." Jack discovered peeking in at door 
 and grinning.) I will send them tomorrow. Will you lease ? 
 
 Old Maid. We must see your partners first. 
 
 Blackmore. (Aside. Old fool.) Have you got a lawyer to do 
 your business ? 
 
11. 
 
 Old Maid, No, them law men would take it all. 
 
 Blackmore. (Aside.) Well, they wouldn't take the women sure. 
 I must do something quick. I'm most choked for a drink. (Aloud.) 
 Well, ladies ; who will do your legal work for you ? 
 
 Old Maid. Our neighbor, Mr. Smith. 
 
 Blackmore. Very well. I will leave you a written offer, and you 
 can show it to your neighbor. (Writes paper.) I will give you one- 
 eighth of the oil, or $25,000 for the farm. (Exit Blackmore, who is 
 followed outside by old maids. Jack slips in, reads paper and goes out 
 again. Enter old maids.) 
 
 1st Old Maid. I wonder how much $25,000 is? We must look 
 fine to-morrow when them young men comes. (Knock at door.) 
 
 Old Maid. Come in. 
 
 [Enter Jack.] 
 
 Jack. Good day, ladies. 
 
 Old maid. Good morning. Take a cbair. 
 
 Jack. Well, ladies, you had a visitor, did you not ? 
 
 Old Maid. Yes, sir. 
 
 Jack. Did not that man want to get your farm ? 
 
 Old Maid. Yes, sir. 
 
 Jack. Now, ladies, that man is a terrible scoundrel, and you 
 must look out for him. He would just as soon murder you as not. 
 
 2d Old Maid. Oh, sister, did we not have a narrow escape? 
 -Jack. Now see here, ladies, there will be a man here to buy your 
 farm. He is a very nice man — a young widower— and wants to get 
 married so bad. Of course that is nothing to you, but he is such a 
 nice man, and is so rich, and has got a nice carriage and horses, and 
 drives out every day. I know he is a very nice man, and wants to 
 get married very bad. Of course that is nothing to you, but you 
 might have some friend who wants to get married, and then you 
 would be dealing with a relative you know. 
 
 Old Maid. Has he much of a family ? 
 
 Jack. (Rises.) Only one son, and he is grown up and takas care 
 of himself. I think he will be here to-morrow. Well, good day, 
 ladies. (Exit.) 
 
 1st Old Maid. Now, sister, that is our man. 
 
 2d Old Maid. Mine, you mean. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Well, I won't sign the papers unless I get a man 
 
12. 
 
 out of it some how. (Curtain.) 
 
 Scene II. — The famous well of Blackmore & Co. Portion of derrick 
 seen with tank. A force pump may be used to throw up the fluid 
 into the tank. Teamsters continually pass and repass, rolling 
 barrels of oil. Jack discovered with book and pencil checking off 
 the number of barrels each teamster takes away. 
 
 Jack. How is this that your order calls for eight barrels of oil, 
 while your partner's calls for but six ? 
 
 Teamster. How long have you been here ? 
 
 Jack. Just commenced work to-day. 
 
 Teamster. I thought so. The oil I haul goes to dump No. 1, 
 while the other loads go to the common dump. 
 
 Jack. Oh, that's the way of it. All right, go ahead. (Exit 
 teamster.) (Aside.) I see how it is. Dump No. 1 means that Mr. 
 Blackmore looks out for Blackmore No. 1 at the company's expense. 
 He must keep a record of his private sales, and my name is not Jack 
 if I don't have a copy of it before a week. No wonder the dividends 
 are small. I see we have just come out in time to stop his game. 
 When Mr. Blackmore gets through with the old Yank he won't have 
 so many thousands to spend on wiue suppers. 
 [Enter Blaekm ore.] 
 
 Blackmore. Well, how are you getting along with your work? 
 
 Jack. Oh, first-rate. They keep me pretty busy seeing that they 
 all load up right. 
 
 Blackmore. Yes, the shipping is the greatest expense to us. 
 
 Jack. Yes, it must be. They must be very busy shipping when 
 you can't get it all off at one dump. 
 
 Blackmore. (Looking at him suspiciously.) What do you know 
 about the shipping ? 
 
 Jack. Nothing much, only I see they don't all drive off the same 
 direction. (Excited.) Better look out, she's going to flow. (Both 
 run off stage as an extra heavy flow comes and sprays over the stage 
 as curtain falls.) 
 Scene III.— 
 
 2d Old Maid. Oh, my stomach feels so bad. I have such a pain 
 in my stomach. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Get your plaster and put it on. (Gets plaster, 
 spreads it and drops on chair as knock is heard at door.) 
 
13. 
 
 [Enter Lawyer Verne in seedy clothes, pigeon-tailed coat fastened 
 up back to collar.] 
 
 Lawyer Verne. Good day, ladies. My name is Verne. I am a 
 lawyer and private secretary to a large oil firm. 
 
 Ist Old Maid. Yes, sir; take a chair, sir. 
 
 Lawyer V. Well, ladies, I believe you gave Mr. Blackmore the 
 refusal of your farm. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Yes, we refused him. You say you are a lawyer? 
 Now, Mr. Verne, would you give me some advice on a promise of 
 marriage ? 
 
 Lawyer V. (Rubbing his hands together.) Willingly. 
 
 1st Old Maid. How much will you charge just for counsel ? 
 
 Lawyer V. I will be very liberal. I suppose you want to bring 
 an action for breach of promise? 
 
 1st Old Maid. I don't know, but I guess so. 
 
 Lawyer V. Be explicit, my dear madam, this is a most serious 
 affair. Breach of promise. How my heart bleeds for you, dear young 
 lady. Suffering virtue. But tell me the particulars. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, sir, you don't know the sorrow it causes me to 
 harrow up my feelings— my bleeding heart. I have let concealment, 
 like a caterpillar on a rose, j^d upon my cambric cheek, and (aside), 
 and I forget the rest. "^ 
 
 Lawyer V. Alas, poor lady I Pray go on. 
 
 1st Old Maid. The first of our acquaintance was at a corn husk- 
 ing — not that I make a practice of attending ^uch vulgar places. 
 
 Lawyer V. Oh, certainly not, certainly not. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Well, I was over-persuaded. I set up and stripped 
 the di*y coatings from the yellow corn. Only two ears I husked. No 
 more. 
 
 Lawyer V. Indeed I two ears. You are certain it was but two 
 ears? It is best to be particular. We will make a "prima facie" case. 
 Why did you stop at two ears ? 
 
 1st Old Maid. I got hold of a red ear — it was the last I husked, so 
 I was obliged to be kissed. Oh, think of my mortification when I was 
 told that I had to be kissed. 
 
 Lawyer V. (With energy.) Your sufferings must have been in- 
 tolerable. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, sir, you know how to feel for delicate timidity. 
 
14. 
 
 A big, coarse fellow, called Bullies, rose to snatch the fragrance from 
 my unwilling cheek 
 
 Lawyer V. Oh, my- 
 
 1st Old Maid. I put up my cambric. It was a fine cambric, Mr. 
 Lawyer. Sed I, I have a choice in those matters — looking at Edward, 
 he took the hint. Bullies fell back — oh, spare my blushes — I felt the 
 pressure on my 
 
 Lawyer V. Your cheek, of course. 
 
 1st Old Maid. No, no, he stole the bliss from my lips, it was very 
 rude in Edward. You may judge of my confusion. 
 
 Lawyer V. I do not know but that we can make out a case 
 of assault and battery. 
 
 1st Old Maid, After that he bowed to me coming out of church. 
 
 Lawyer V. Aha! the evidence comes in. Have you proof of that, 
 most injured fair one? 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, sir, no proof is needed with a lady of my stand- 
 ing. Well, you may judge what were the feelings of my palpitating 
 heart, tender as it always was. 
 
 Lawyer V. Have any letters passed between you ? 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, yes, five or six, sir. 
 
 Lawyer V. We've got him there. Will you be so kind as to 
 show me some of those letters ? 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, he's got them all in his possession. 
 
 Lawyer V. Terrible ! How did he obtain possession of them ? 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, I sent them sometimes by one person, some- 
 times by another. 
 
 Lawyer V. His letters, I mean. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Oh, sir, mark his ingratitude, he never wrote any. 
 
 Lawyer V. (Aside. Old fool, I suppose that is about all the evi- 
 dence.) Now, Miss, about the refusal of your farm. I believe you 
 gave the refusal to Mr. Blackmore ? 
 
 Both old maids together. Yes, we refused him. 
 
 Lawyer V. You don't understand. I have some papers which I 
 want you to sign. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Do you think I can make out a case of breach of 
 promise? 
 
 Lawyer V. (Aside. Oh, confound the old fool.) Will you si^n 
 those papers ? 
 
15. 
 
 1st Old Maid. He drove up the cows one night, and sed we had 
 better put our farms together. He sed we would get oil on them. 
 
 Lawyer V. (Aside. Oh, horrors.) I think you had better sign 
 those papers. 
 
 1st Old Maid. He said he would kill our calf when it got fat. 
 
 Lawyer V. (Getting mad.) If yon don't sign those papers I will 
 bring action against you. Sign at once. I have the refusal of this 
 farm and we mean to have it. 
 
 1st Old Maid. Yes I refuse to sign. 
 
 Lawyer V. I will make you sign it. 
 
 [Enter Swift and another man.] 
 
 Swift. No you don't, old bum ; don't force a lady to sign any- 
 thing when I am around. 
 
 Lawyer V. How dare you interfere with my business. I am a 
 lawyer and I know my business. 
 
 Swift. I think you had better leave as these ladies are, no doubt, 
 tired of your company. 
 
 Lawyer V. If you don't leave and attend to your own business, I 
 will proceed to flog you and kick you out. 
 
 SwiCt. Ha ! ha! ha! If you kick me out you might get the ill will 
 of the ladies who would surely not sign your false papers. 
 
 Lawyer V. How dare you talk about my papers, you villian. 
 
 Swift. Oh, get out you dead beat, those ladies are tired of you. 
 (Lawyer V. maks for Swift; they scuffle; ladies scream and catch 
 Verne's coat tails, tearing coat to collar behind ; Jack slips in, hits 
 Verne with club, who falls backwards over chair that has plaster on it; 
 jumps up very mad ; plaster sticks to seat of his pants.) 
 
 Lawyer Verne. I will have you all arrested, (strikes fist on table.) 
 I am a lawyer. I will bring a case of prima facie against everyone of 
 you. (Exit Verne.) (Maid laments about her plaster and stomach while 
 Swift, gent and Jack laugh heartily at Verne's coat and plaster. Cur- 
 tain.) 
 
 Scene 4. — Drawing room ; scene of an evening reception ; ladies and 
 gentlemen seated about piano ; some one sings by invitation ; Miss 
 Moss and dude seaicd near front of stage; Jack enters room, stops 
 on seeing Miss Moss, looks surprised and says: 
 Jack. (Aside.) I believe it is she. No it can't be. Yes it is. No 
 
 it isn't. (He approaches nearer. Miss Moss observes him,rises and says:) 
 
16. 
 
 Miss M. I declare if it isn't- 
 
 Jack. Yes it is — it is. (They laugh, shake hands and move across 
 to two unoccupied chairs; meantime talking about home friends; dude 
 rises very mad.) 
 
 Dude. What impudence. I have a notion to cane him. 
 
 Miss M. Well how is Arabella ? 
 
 Jack. Arabella Witherspoon ? Oh, she has grown so fast and fat 
 that it takes both my arms to reach around her. If I had short arms I 
 couldn't hug her alone. She is a vei-y sweet girl; and such kisses; 
 when I think of them I can just feel the pegs creep out of my boots 
 and walk right up ray trousers. 
 
 Miss M. (laughs.) I declare you are a very sanguine lover. 
 
 Jack. I couldn't help it; her kisses were so sweet that it is no fool 
 of a job to turn one over in the store room of memory. Her red lips 
 were always inviting investigation and you may believe I investigated. 
 One of her kisses would last a week. They would gush out all over, 
 run down my shirt bosom into my vest pocket and solidify like candy; 
 they were fine except when she had eaten onions; at those times the 
 nectar of love was a little strong. 
 
 Miss M. How did you and the old lady get along during your 
 courting ? 
 
 Jack. Oh, fine. She could be seen at bed time clad like an angel ; 
 with a fire shovel in one hand and a tallow dip in the other, looking to 
 see "as how that 'ere dod blasted cat had concluded to stay in or go out." 
 I don't like cats except in fiddle strings. Arabella always had one on 
 her lap, just where my head ought to be. 
 
 Miss M. How is the old gentlem;m ? 
 
 Jack. Oh he is hearty. He is so fat that it is very hard for him to 
 make both ends meet. He kept a black bottle in the cupboard, and 
 that made it more difficult. Arabella and I used to empty it every 
 chance we got. 
 (A young lady has painted a picture of a stork which she shoivs dude.) 
 
 Dude. What a lovely humming bird. 
 
 Lady. Oh no that is not a humming bird. 
 
 Dude. Not ? Pray what then ? 
 
 Lady. A stork. (Dude examines picture in manner to allow the 
 audience to see it.) 
 
17. 
 
 [Enter Mr. Swift, Sr.] 
 
 Mr. Swift. Why boy, I have been looking all over tewn for you. 
 
 Jack. Pa, this is Miss Moss, our old neighbor. 
 
 Miss M. Why uncle, how do you do? 
 
 Mr. S. Why, my dear — is this yourself? I suppose you are in the 
 oil business? 
 
 Miss M. Not yet. I never expected to see you out here. 
 
 Mr. S. You just see how I will straighten this town out before I 
 return home. I say boy, I want you to have Mr. Blackmore at the of- 
 fice alone at nine in the morning. 
 
 Jack. Now there will be a row, I bet. 
 
 (A dance is proposed and parties form on, Dude at head.) 
 
 Miss M. Won't you join us, uncle? 
 
 Mr. S. No; I will look on and see how you dance out in this 
 country. (Music; Dude starts off bowing and scraping; Swift twists 
 on chair and mutters about murdering dancing ; pulls off boots, jumps 
 up and says : 
 
 Mr. S. Take your seat, my boy, and I will show you how we used 
 to dance. (Swift dances and jumps around lively, promenades down 
 centre; when at his height drop Curtain.) 
 
 [Office as in Scene First. Blackmore discovered soliloquizing] 
 
 Blackmore. I can say, go away poverty, I am wearied of your 
 caresses. You have a large society, but I don't appreciate your friend- 
 ship. Your By-Laws are all right, but against my constitution. Ha! 
 ha! ha ! While the earth divulges her secrets to me and pours forth 
 her riches into my lap at the rate of a thousand barrels a day it is all 
 right. Now, if I go on a bum, folks smile. When I was poor they 
 sneered. I can kick boot-blacks, snub common people, break car 
 windows, throw goblets at waiters, wink at the girls, stand on church 
 cushions, jam hats, tell a man he is a liar, spit on the carpet, be drunk 
 or sober, it all passes as a matter of fact. No one objects. What a 
 glorious thing it is to be rich and enjoy life and liberty. Oh, it is 
 nice to strike oil. I am going to leave my measure for a set of dia- 
 monds the size of an oil barrel. I will hire a paper to puff me into 
 Christianity. Buy a nomination for a fat office. I will have a private 
 box at the opera, shake hands with old Mr, Nabob, and sing — (sings.) 
 I would not be a poor man. I would not if I could. But I need not 
 fret about it, for I could not if I would. 
 
18. 
 
 [Swift, who has been listening at door, now enters.] 
 
 Swift. Well, Mr. Blackmore, you are feeling quite happy this 
 morning. That was quite a song you were singing. By the way — 
 have you found an investment for me yet ? 
 
 Blackmore. No oil land yet. But how would you like to buy an 
 interest in my oil well ? 
 
 Swift. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! ha! That is wonderful. 
 
 Blackmore. What is wonderful? What are you laughing at? 
 
 Swift. (Laughs again.) Mr. Blackmore, how many eighths have 
 you sold in that well ? 
 
 Blackmore. (Angry.) That is noue of your business. 
 
 Swift. I think it is my business when I am now a stockholder. 
 
 Blackmore. You a stockholder in my well? 
 
 Swift. Yes. I bought a one-eighth interest from Cook & Co., in 
 New York and I thought I would come out myself and see how the 
 business was run before I would tell you about it. 
 
 Blackmore. I believe you are an old fraud or you would have 
 shown your papei-s before this. 
 
 Swift. I wanted to know just what kind of a man I had to deal 
 with and I believe I have found out. There are the papers. (Shows 
 papers.) Now Mr. Blackmore I will come to business. 
 
 Blackmore. I suppose you want to know whether there is any- 
 thing coming to you or not. I will have the book-keeper look over 
 the books and see how you stand on expenses. 
 
 Swift. My business is with you, not your book-keeper. Now Mr. 
 Blackmore, I know all about your business as well as you know it 
 yourself. You sold ten-eighths in that well and yet claim to hold the 
 controlling interest. 
 
 Blackmore. (Very angry.) It is a lie. Who told you any such stuflf? 
 
 Swift. Hold on Mr. Blackmore, don't get angry; this isn't half of 
 it. I have a copy of all the oil you have shipped for the company and 
 all the oil you have shipped from your private dump, as you call it. 
 (Blackmore walks floor, very mad.) I also have a copy of your private 
 book in the false bottom of that desk and your bank account. 
 
 Blackmore. You have been prying into my private affairs very 
 close and minding my business for me, and I don't thank you. Now, 
 
 \v': ' 1 ^- V} "'mOV r\ ^^V^'•^\ M'^v^t "^O V'l'l p'^OlO^^^ to do? 
 
19. 
 
 Swift. I will give you a good chance to get out of a bad scrape, if you 
 do as I propose. I will take $200,000 and relieve you from a very bad 
 position in the eyes of the law. (Blackuiore jumps up angry and ex- 
 cited ; draws revolver ; levels at Swift and shouts never.) 
 
 (Jack jumps from behind door, strikes up Blackmore's arm, re- 
 volver goes off in air; Jack prods Blackmore iu ribs with large bowie 
 knife and says : 
 
 Jack. Drop your pop gun. Mind, I am pizen. (Blackmore drops 
 pistol.) 
 
 [Enter Dude.] 
 
 Dude. Ah ! Mr. Blackmore, the livery is empty. I would request 
 your 'orse to ride to Hollyhopolis. 
 
 Jack. Ha! ha! ha! Holyhopolis. 
 
 Dude. You saucy whelp; I ought to chastize you. 
 
 Jack. O go along ro Holyhopolis, it is the holiest place you will 
 ever get to. Mr. Blackmore is going to pay off the national debt and 
 found an asylum for dudes whose mothers are too old to take in wash- 
 ing. (Exit Dude pomposly.) (Blackmore walks floor.) 
 
 Svvift. Well, Mr. Blackmore, time is precious ; there is an ofliccr 
 outside awaiting my orders. You had better consult your own interest. 
 
 Blackmore. I will buy you out, and your silence also,to get rid of 
 you, but you must not think you forced me into it. 
 
 Swift, Oh, no, I would not force you into anything. (Laughs 
 heartily.) 
 
 Blackmore. (Writes and gives check.) There I I hope I will 
 never see you or hear from you again. (Swift signs over interest to 
 Blackmore.) 
 
 Swift. Mr. Blackmore, take my advice; stop your dissipaton, buy 
 out some of the other stock-holders and you will come out all right. 
 
 Bhickmore. When your advice is wanted I will ask you for it. 
 
 Swift. (Sho^vs Blackmore papers for Old Maid's farm.) You see, 
 I have found an investment. I think I can make some money out of 
 the Old Maid's farm. Good day, Mr. Blackmore, I will return to New 
 York to-morrow. 
 
 Blackmore, The sooner you go the better. I am tired of your 
 company. 
 
 Swift. Good day, Mr. Blackmore. (Exit. Curtain.) 
 
ACT III. 
 
 Scene I. — Five years have elapsed. Scene of hotel office. Clerk dis- 
 covered. 
 
 [Enter Jack with satchel and sample case.] 
 
 Clerk. Good morning, sir. Delightful day. 
 
 Jack. Good morning. I wish to engage a room for a few days, 
 (deposits satchel and sample case with clerk.) Your city does not ap- 
 pear so prosperous as it did a few years ago. How is the oil business 
 now? 
 
 Clerk. It is quite dull to what it was a few years ago. 
 
 Jack. There was a firm here called Blackmore & Co. How is 
 Blackmore prospering? 
 
 Clerk. Oh, he has gone to the dogs. His old chums, who helped 
 him spend his money, won't speak to him now. He is a regular sot 
 and they say his child is begging on the street. 
 
 Jack. Just what I expected of him. 
 Clerk. Were you acquainted with him ? 
 
 Jack. Yes, I had some dealings with him several years ago. 
 What was the cause of his downfall ? 
 
 Clerk. He was carrying on a double business and drinking too 
 much expensive champagne. An investigation followed by several 
 members of the company and it cost Blackmore the greater part of his 
 fortune to compromise. Deeper drinking soon completed the wreck. 
 
 Jack. A very sad position for his family to be placed in. Well, I 
 will look at the town and see what changes have occurred in a few 
 years. (Exit.) Curtain. 
 Scene II. Street; Bessie Blackmore discovered with broom and 
 
 stool ; Bessie sweeps crossing and solicits aid for her sick mother. 
 
 Blackmore, in rags, watches from side, takes money from Bessie 
 
 as she gets any; ladies pass, enquire of Bessie regarding her 
 
 mother, give her some money and pass on ; Blackmore takes 
 
 money ; Bessie cries. 
 
 [Enter Jack ; stops at crossing ; sits on stool.] 
 Bessie. Would you give me a little money for your seat ? 
 Jack. I expected you would want something for this accommo- 
 dation. 
 
 Bessie. Oh, sir, my mother is sick and I have no medicine or 
 bread. 
 
2i. 
 
 Jack. No medicine ? No doctor or bread ? Here child take this, 
 (gives money.) 
 
 Bessie. Oh, sir, not so much. If my father sees me with so much 
 money he will take it from me or beat me. 
 
 Jack. Whip you ? Well, we will see about that. I helped to fix 
 matters up once in this town, and I can do so again. There is some- 
 thing wrong and it must be made right. 
 [Bessie starts off; Jack goes opposite; Blackmore catches Bessie and 
 
 endeavors to get the money; she screams; Jack rushes in; knocks 
 
 Blackmore down.] 
 
 Jack. Take that, you dirty loafer. (Policeman enters and catches 
 Jack.) 
 
 Police. Hello, what does this mean ? 
 
 Jack. Oh, nothing; I merely prevented this rascal from abusing 
 that girl. Here (offers money) step into the hotel and have a cham- 
 
 Police. (Aside.) He seems the right kind of a fellow, and I don't 
 see that he needs to be arrested. (Blackmore meantime is looking all 
 over stage. Police aloud.) What are you hunting for? 
 
 Blackmore. Looking for my diamond pin. (Exit Blackmore.) 
 
 Police. (Laughs.) Poor devil, he used to wear diamonds, but 
 that time is passed. 
 
 Jack. Come little girl, I will go home with you and see what can 
 be done. (Exit. Curtain.) 
 Scene III. — Bedroom Mrs. Blackmore in bed. Enter Blackmore. 
 
 Blackmore. Have you no money? I must have rum, my brain 
 is on fire. 
 
 Mrs. B. Have mercy on us, your child has had nothing to eat 
 to-day. 
 
 Blackmore. I suppose she has been to Sunday school paying them 
 money ? 
 
 Mrs. B. She has no money to pay the Sunday school. 
 
 Blackmore. I will — I must have rum. (Takes up Bible.) I will 
 pawn this. 
 
 Mrs. B. Oh, don't take that. It is a gift from my mother, and 
 the last of her gifts. Oh, leave it for your child's sake. 
 
 Blackmore. (Moves off.) Eum ! rum ! I must have rum ! (Exit 
 with Bible.) 
 
22. 
 
 [Enter Bessie, Jack and Miss Moss.] 
 Bessie. (Runs to her mother, kneels and cries.) Oh, my mother 
 is dying. 
 
 Mrs. B. Sing "Tell the Angels I am Coming." 
 Bessie. (Sings — any tune — 2-4 time : 
 
 "We are coming, we are coming, Jesus walks by our side; 
 Tho' we feel the spray of Jordan, we will dread not the tide. 
 With His loving arm around us, the waves darkly roll, 
 We shall see the light of glory in the home of the soul." 
 
 Miss Moss. Oh, what a scene. Dying with a broken heart, which 
 is her only disease. Despair is the word by which we express the ex- 
 tremity of mental depression, against which the mind for a period 
 fails to reach. Through this dreadful feeling no ray of hope; no sun- 
 beam of joy breaks in upon the darkness of the soul. To one who has 
 reached this state of utter despondency life is no longer desirable. The 
 charms of nature and of ait call forth no throb of delight in the dark 
 spirit, and the cheerful earth appears a gloomy and barren wilderness. 
 Sorrow is the noblest of all discipline. Heaven is best discerned through 
 tears — scarcely, perhaps, discerned at all without them. The scenes 
 of death suffice to show this. She bore her sorrow in silence until grief 
 settled down into dark and deep despair. The friends of her prosper- 
 ity have forgotten her in her poveity. She bad nothing to attach her 
 to life except this desolate child. For her sake she endeavored to sup- 
 port her miseries. The thoughts of leaving her exposed to the world 
 shook her fortitude and desti'oyt^d her health and mind. 
 
 Jack Yes, there are thousands of similar cases, cursed by intemper- 
 ance and dissipation. We see how it inflicts ruin upon the inuocentand 
 helpless. It invades the family, cuts down youth in his manhood, breaks 
 the mother's heart and brings tho father down in sorrow to the grave. 
 It furnishes victims for the scafibld; it is the life-blood ef the gambler; 
 the food of the highwayman. In scorns virtue, incites the husband to 
 kill his wife, and butcher his innocent children. 
 
 Bessie. Oh, my heart dies with my mother. I will have no liome. 
 
 Jack. I will give you a good home, and my mother shall be your 
 mother. 
 
 [Enter Blackmore.] 
 
 Blackmore. What means this intrusion ? 
 
 Jack. It means that your neglect has at last accomplished its 
 
work, and that assistance has come too late. 
 
 Blackmore. It is false ! Out of my house! (Seizes broom. Jack 
 catches him and throws him through dcor or window. During the 
 struggle Bessie pleads with her father and endeavors to shield him. 
 Curtain.) 
 Scene IV. — Parlor. Blackmore and Bessie discovered. 
 
 Blackmore. My dear child, I have at last come to my senses, and, 
 God helping me, I will lead a new life. But that demon of drink is 
 yet within me burning my very soul out. 
 
 Bessie. It can be overcome; I know it can. We will pray. My 
 Sunday school class will aid us. Oh, how nice it will be. We will 
 leave this place and its sad associations, and begin life anew. 
 
 Blackmore. Yes, yes ; this is an accursed spot; a ruined life; 
 a blasted reputation, and, above all, a desolate home. But I will suc- 
 ceed. The experience of the past two weeks has been burned upon 
 my brain in letters of fire. Oh, that I could recall it. 
 
 Bessie. We cannot recall the past, but we may improve the fu- 
 ture. Let us strengthen our resolve. My scholars will be here, and 
 we will unite in prayer and praise for strength. (Five or six little 
 girls in white file in and all join in singing any familiar song, after 
 which they kneel in an attitude of prayer. During the few moments 
 in which they are in this attitude, an old sot blunders in, who is made 
 up to represent a drunkard in very low stage of a drunkard's career. 
 Carries bottle; totters up to Blackmore, and asks him to drink, saying:) 
 
 Drunkard. Hello, pard ! Have a drink. Hain't seen you for a 
 coon'3-age. (Blackmore motions him otF while Bessie rising says, with 
 uplifted finger :) 
 
 Bessie. Sir, how dare you enter here with that poison of hell; 
 that destroyer of souls, that has turned the hand of the father against 
 the mother, the mother against the child, the husband against the 
 wife? The demon whose work you represent has destroyed the young 
 man in his pride and his manliness. It has made of the fair young 
 girl a creature from whom the vilest wretch shrinks with disgust. It 
 has destroyed the mother's first born, and you ofl'er it to the second. 
 Hell resounds with no more bitter curse than that heaped upon King 
 Alcohol, while angels weep. Go, drink no more, for the sake of all 
 that's good, and may the monster who lives in the sparkling cup be 
 Boon and forever banished to the pit of fire, followed by the curses of 
 millions of souls. (Drunkard listens with stupid interest, slowly re- 
 treating as curtain falls. Red lights if desired.) 
 
APPLYING FOR LICENSE. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Judge, Smith. Temperance Agent, Mrs. Cowden. 
 
 Applicant, Patrick Muldoon. Temperance Lawyer, Mr. Eobb. 
 Lawyer, Mr. Browu. Witness, Mr. Mulcahy. 
 
 Scene.— Court. Jadge on bench with parties seated as at court. 
 Court called to order. 
 
 Mr. Brown. (Rising.) Your Honor, if you please, I present a pe- 
 tition and proper bondsmen on behalf of Mr. Patrick Muldoon, for li- 
 cense to sell all kinds of liquor in his tavern for the traveling public. 
 Being a worthy man, and complying with the law, we pray the Court 
 will grant such license to the applicant who presented this petition. 
 (Reads a number of names picked up in town where played, which 
 will cause most fun.) 
 
 Lawyer Robb. Your Honor, we oifer for your consideration a re- 
 monstrance against this man. We are prepared to prove that he sells 
 to men of intemperate habits, has drunken fights, and that his house 
 is nothing but a drinking hole. 
 
 Muldoon. It is false. Sure I niver was known to sell the second 
 dhrink to my fellow crature phwat hadw't the money to pay for the 
 firrust one. (Court calls Muldoon to order. Enter Mrs. Cowden — boy 
 dressed in women's clothes, with very large bustle, and walking very 
 pigeon-toed. Hands her lawyer a paper from which he reads off a lot 
 of old ladies' names.) 
 
 Mr. Robb. Your Honor, I hold in my hand a remonstrance from 
 all the best people, stating that this man keeps a very bad and disor- 
 derly house, and is not worthy the name of landlord. His house is 
 nothing but a low doggery. (In meantime Muldoon keeps rising and 
 saying : "Let me at him. I'll bate the head off him." Lawyer H, 
 keeps pulling him down saying: "You'll spoil all if yoa get that 
 Irish up.") 
 
 Lawyer Brown. Your Honor, it is very easy for my opponent to 
 bring charges against this man, but we ask for the evidence, by good, 
 
25. 
 
 moral men, neighbors of Mr, Muldoon's, or we ask the Court to grant 
 our wish. 
 
 Judge, Mr, Muldoon, can't you run your house without a license ? 
 
 Muldoon. No, sorr; I couldn't run my liQuse at all, at all, widout 
 a bar. 
 
 Judge. I am afraid I will have to refuse you. 
 
 Muldoon, (Aside t® Judge.) I am a ward politician, and if I 
 don't get license the Eepublicans may have the ward. 
 
 Judge, I will see what I can do for you. (To Lawyer E.) Any 
 witness here ? 
 
 Lawyer R. Yes, a victim of ill treatment by this landlord. (Calls 
 Mulcahy.) Here Michael, be sworn. (Michael holds up hand.) You 
 do swear by the laws of this court to tell the truth or be punished by 
 the laws of this court. 
 
 Lawyer E. Where do you live? 
 
 Michael. I was born in Ireland, and went to Dublin for my edi- 
 cation. I am a perfessor, sorr. 
 
 Lawyer R. What do you profess to know about this applicant for 
 license ? 
 
 Michael. He was born in Ireland too. 
 
 Lawyer E. What kind of a house does he keep ! 
 
 Michael. I believe it is a frame house, sorr. (Mnldoon shakes fist 
 at Michael on the sly saying: "What did 1 told ye?" 
 
 Lawyer E. Michael, does he keep a good house? 
 
 Michael. (Looks at Muldoon,) He does. 
 
 Lawyer E. Michael, wliat do you call a good house? 
 
 Michael. Where they keeps good whiskey. 
 
 Lawyer E, How do you kuov/ Muldoon keeps good whiskey ? 
 
 Michael, I am a professor, and I tested it. I sample all his whiskey. 
 
 Lawyer E. By what test do you decide the liquor is good ? 
 
 Michael. I drink it myself, sorr, and tell its strength by the 
 quantity it takes to make a man dhrunk. 
 
 Lawyer E. Do you drink enough to make you drunk iu order to 
 tell its strength ? 
 
 Michael. Sure I do, its the aisiest way to foind out. 
 
 Lawyer E. Well, Michael, did you ever see any fighting in this 
 man's house? (Muldoon shakes fist at witness. Witness scratches 
 his head.) 
 
26. 
 
 Michael. Not much, your honor. He practices the manly art, sorr. 
 
 Lawyer E, What do you mean by the manly art? Tell the court 
 how you came by that black eye. 
 
 Michael. (Looks first at Muldoon, then at Judge, and replies :) 
 It was by the manly art sorr. 
 
 Lawyer R. Explain what you mean by the manly art which you 
 talk so much about. (Witness looks at Muldoon, then at court. Mul- 
 doon shakes fist.) 
 
 Michael. (Aside, after looking puzzled. "I have it.") Mrs, Mul- 
 doon coom out to me house in the counthry on a visit, and she says 
 Michael you must coom down and stay wid me a few weeks. Mul- 
 doon has killed his pig, we've a foine lot of praties and a barl of good 
 ould Oirish whiskey. We'sewantye totestit. We want ye's to come, he's 
 a pair of new boxin gloves, and he will knock the face ofi'ye. 
 
 Lawyer E. Knocking the face off a man is what you call the 
 manly art, is it? Now, Mr. Muldoon, I want you to show the court 
 how you perform the manly art. 
 
 Muldoon. (Jumps to his feet and about two feet in air, and throw- 
 ing glove to witness says:) I will soon do that, bedad. Michael, 
 square yersilf, and I'll bate the life out of ye. Ye had no business 
 here. (They knock each other about, all around stage, finally knock- 
 ing witness on top of Mrs. Cowden. (Curtain.) 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 016 102 583 5 
 
 O 
 
 n