jytmsoKS MEWEy The Fun Revue T.S.Denison AND COMRA-NY C l-I I C >=v<3 O Price 35 Cents. DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, 2^ hrs. (35c) 8 8 Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 15 After the Game, 2 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 4 4 All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 6 10. And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (50c) 6 6 Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2yi hrs ....(35c) 7 5 Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (50c) 6 6 As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 2y2 hrs (35c) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 6 14 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 Z Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. (25c) 17 Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 134 hrs (25c) 16 2 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2% hrs (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2y4^ h. (25c) 7 4 Call of the Colors, -2 acts, \Y2 hrs (25c) 4 10 Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, \y^ hrs ...(25c) IC Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 8 10 Civil Service, 3 acts, 2^/4 hrs. (35c) 6 5 College Town, 3 acts, 2% hrs (35c) 9 8 Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 21^4 hrs. (35c) 5 5 Deacon Entangled, 3 act-, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (2Sc) 8 4 Dream That Came True. 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c' 10 Enchanted Wood, 1^ h.(35c).Optnl. Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1^ h. (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 For the Love of Johnny, 3 acts, 24 hrs (50c) 6 3 Fun on the Podunk Limited, IVa hrs (30cj 9 14 Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. (35c) 1 2 Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 3 5 M. F. High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 .Indian Days. 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 24 hrs (25c) 6 4 Jayville Junction, 1% hrs.(25c)14 17 Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 10 9 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 2% hrs (35c) 6 12 Laughing (jure, 2 acts, 1% hrs. (35c) 4 5 Lightiiouse Nan, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 5 4 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 24 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 3 4 Mirandy's Minstrels (30c) Optnl. Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 4 7 My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (35c) 6 6 OH Maid's Club, 14 hrs. (30c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 14 hrs (30c) 12 9 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs (25c) 10 4 Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 4 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2i/^h.(35c) 7 4 Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 7 9 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 10 12 Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 5 7 Safety First, 3 acts, 2Y^ hrs (35c) 5 5 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (30c) 7 Spark of Life, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2 4 hr-: (35c) 10 10 Star Bright, 3 acts, 24 h. (35c) 6 5 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 24 hrs (35c) 9 16 Tcnv. the Convict, 5 acts, • 2]^ hrs (25c) 7 4 Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 21/4. hrs. (35c) 6 18 Trip to Storyiand, 14 hrs. (25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 24 hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 hrs (35c) 7 10 When Smith Stepped Out. 3 acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 Whose Little Bride Are You? 3 acts, 21/2 hrs (50c) 5 5 Winning Widow, 2 acts, 14 hrs. (25c) 2 4 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S. Wabash Ave. , Chicago \ \ THE FUN REVUE A Musical Grouch Cure In Five Treatments PRESCRIPTION BY Frederick G. Johnson AUTHOR OF 'Fifty-Fifty," "Mary's Millions/' "Civilizing Susie/' "Hoiv to SLaye a Minstrel Sho^/' etc. CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY PUBLISHERS THE FUN REVUE^^^ f5 cN O T I C E PRODUCTION OF THIS PLAY ■*• is free to amateurs, but the sole professional rights arc reserved by the author, who may be addressed in care of the Publishers. Profes- sional producers of home-talent shows are forbidden to sta^e "The Fun Revue," in whole or in part, under this or any other title, ex- cept by special license. ©CID 5 94 6 COPYRIGHT, 1921 FREDERICK G. JOHNSON DEC 19 >V0 I THE FUN REVUE (Originally presented by the S erve-Y our-City Club of Wilkes-Barre.) THE FUNMAKERS. Part One. Priscilla An Old-Fashioned Girl Prunella .Identically Likezvise LuELLA Decidedly Otherwise Sammy A Playground Kiddie Tommy Another One Willy Ditto for Him Johnny Just One Move Micky A Tough Kid Anne A Playgroimdette Daisy That Goes Again Susie Still Another Li*l Rollo His Mother's Pride Diana Rollo' s Big Sister Miss Pitt Playground Teacher Capt. Jack Dalton Late of the A. E. F. Jazbo Jones A Dark Knight Errant Mr. Jingling Who Owns the Circus Zaza The Wild Woman Mlle. Spinelli The Snake Charmer Hindu Man The Wonder Worker Fatima Hozu She Can Dance! Lemonade Vender It's Ice Cold Balloon Man Anybody Else Want One? Playground Kiddies, Clowns, Circus Attendants, Villagers, Etc. Part Two. Pete A Gay Young Salt Skeet Full o' Pepper 3 4 THE FUN REVUE Part Three. (Optional -with Director.) Part Four. Mary His Country Girl Annie His Oldtiine Girl Peggy His Summer Girl Cherie His French Girl Carmen His Spanish Girl Virginia His Southern Girl — and The Lucky Man Part Five. Marie The Maid MosE The Butler Cuthbert Cashbonds The Bootlegger Harry Hallroom Poor but Proud Polly Primrose The Btidc Mr. Goodly The Preacher Dolly, Molly, May and Fay Polly's Friends Will, Tom, Dick and Jim More Friends Bridal Party, Wedding Gnests, Ftc. SCENE SYNOPSIS. Part One "Oh, Baby!" {A Municipal Playground ; full stage.) Part Two ''Pity the Sailors on a Night Like This'' (A Street; in one.) Part Three .''Rhythm a la Mode" (A palace interior, or a zvoodland scene; full stage.) Part Four "Some Sheet Music Covers" (Plush drop; in one.) Part Five "The Bootlegger's Bride" (A drazuing room; ftdl stage.) THE FUN REVUE 5 TYPES AND COSTUMES. Part One. Priscilla and Prunella — Juvenile costumes of the hoopskirt-and-pantalette period. LuELLA and Anne — Little girl costumes of the somewhat dressed-up type. Daisy and Susie — Little girl costumes ; may be simple gingham dresses. Johnny — "Silly kid" type; blond shock wig; boy's clothes, tight fitting. Make up with vertical lines on eye- lids and most of eyebrows erased with grease paint. Micky — "Tough kid" type; old cap; sweater or jersey; patched knickerbockers ; big shoes. Li'l Rollo — A big boy or man as large as a baby carriage or go-cart will hold without breaking. He represents a gi- gantic infant and should have a fat or chubby face. Wears a white baby cap and a white "nightie." Diana — A small girl, in little girl's clothes, but must be big enough to push the carriage containing Rollo. May wear gingham apron and do hair in pigtails, to give drudge or slavey effect. Other Children — Varied style of juvenile attire. Some are neatly dressed, others shabbily. Avoid having them uniform. Get all the variety and contrast possible. Miss Pitt — Old maid type; severe black dress with skirt pulled low at the back ; spectacles. Capt. Jack Dalton — A dashing young man. White flannel trousers, blue coat and straw hat ; or any neat busi- ness suit; or military uniform if desired. Carries walking stick (or sword or swagger stick, if military). Jazbo — Blackface comedian. May wear overalls or any grotesque minstrel costume. Negro wig. Mr. Jingling — A loud and glib talker and something of a roughneck. Loud clothing ; plaid suit ; red vest ; silk hat ; flashy necktie and jewelry ; patent leather shoes. Zaza — A girl wnth bobbed hair should have this part if possible. The hair, freshly washed and fluffed out, will add 6 THE FUN REVUE to the wild effect. Her arms are bare and the costume may be simply made of a four-yard length of some flowered silk, satin or sateen material, suitably draped to the knees or below ; flesh or champagne hose ; straw sandals or plain black pumps. Or any other flashy and freakish costume scheme will do equally well. Mlle. Spinelli — An evening dress of the "vamp" vari- ety, preferably green, and well sprinkled with spangles, will answer; spangled hair ornament; plenty of jewelry. She carries a large imitation snake coiled around her neck and one arm. Hindu Man — Hindu, Arabian or any other available ori- ental robe costume ; turban ; brown grease paint make-up ; turban makes wig unnecessary. Fatima — This Is a "property" horse, with two boys form- ing the front and rear legs respectively. Use a papier mache head if available ; but a cotton bag, cut the right shape and stuffed with rags and painted, will do. A feather duster will serve for the tail. The "body" can be bag shaped and the legs can be two old pairs of pajama trousers, with feet attached. Dye the whole thing brown and dapple the cos- tume with white spots. (A regular property horse costume can be rented from a professional costumer, but the outfit described will answer the purpose, and will get plenty of laughs if it is desired to economize.) Lemonade Vender — White duck jacket ; blue uniform cap, such as worn by conductors, porters, etc. Basket. Balloon Man — Baggy corduroy trousers ; white shirt with neck open ; dark vest ; red bandana handkerchief at neck ; old felt hat. Swarthy make-up ; black hair or wig. Clowns — Usual bright clown suits ; white skull caps. Clown white make-up with carmine triangles on cheeks. Hindu^s Attendants — May be either male or female; oriental costumes, less ornate than Hindu^'s. Part Two. Pete and Skeet — Two juvenile comedians, preferably good singers and dancers. Both wear sailor uniforms, either TTTE FUN REVUE 7 blue or white as desired. Skeet's clothing may be ill-fitting if desired. Part Three. Optional. Part Four. Mary — Rather shy and demure. Gingham dress ; pretty sunbonnet ; has hair done in braids, with ribbons. Annie — Irish colleen costume, if available. Or use any quaint old style dress, with poke bonnet and big ribbon bow. Peggy — Wears a modern summer dress, sports costume preferred. Cherie — Wears a dashing dance costume ; may be a blonde. Carmen — Wears typical Spanish costume ; a red rose in h^r hair ; bright scarf ; uses tambourine or castanets ; should have black hair. Virginia — Wears a hoopskirt evening dress if available, or any pretty costume of tlie Civil War period. Should have dark hair. The Man — Wears evening clothes. Part Five. Marie — A French maid ; black dress with rather short skirt ; black silk hose ; high-heeled black satin slippers or pumps ; white lace cap and apron. Should be played by a girl of the ''petite" type. MosE — Blackface comedian ; misfit dress suit or butler uniform. Cuthbert — Middle-aged, pompous, stout, swaggering, loud-voiced. Make-up homely, with absurd drooping mus- tache, red nose, puiTy eyes, half-bald wig, etc. A burlesque villain. Wears evening clothes. Harry — Straight juvenile make-up. Evening clothes. Polly — A pretty bride. She does not wear bridal veil until entering with the wedding party. Mr. Goodly — Plain black suit ; gray hair or wig ; gray sidewhiskers ; spectacles. Do' not burlesque the clergy as it is in bad taste, to say the least, and gives offense to many good people. 8 THE FUN REVUE Bridal Party — This may be worked up as desired. Fol- low regular custom as to personnel, costumes and conduct. Dolly, Molly, May, Fay, Will, Tom, Dick, Jim and other Guests — Evening dress. MUSIC CUES. Part One. (At rw^.)— OPENING CHORUS, once through. (For encore.) — Repeat from "Tell Me Who" to finish. Has to zmlk in the middle of the street. — Break by trap drummer. Hey, Skinuay! Wait a minute!— "YOUR LITTLE GIRL." Apropos of time, phice and situation. — Bugle. Aha! War is declared! — Military march, softly. Well Slip plied with ammunition. — Stop. Take the enemy at any cost. — Bugle. That's right. With Carmen, she was absolutely charmin'. — "CARMEN, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARM- IN'." An oyster is a fish built like a nut. — Introduction, and vamp if necessary, for Anne's solo (to be selected). Wait a minute, Miss. — Stop. The poor fish is cracked like a nut. — Anne's solo. Bally zuhat? — Circus music (gallop), soft and increasing. Keep your eye on little old George W. — Loud. Well, zvell, zuell, folks. — Stop. The one and only original zinld zvoman. — Chord, roll and cymbal crash. Go hack into the tent. — Chord. From the banks of the dreamy Nile; Mile. Spinelli! — Chord, roll and cymbal crash. H all costs you but twenty-fiz^e cents. — Chord. This or any other canvas; Fatima! — Oriental dance. (At exit of horse.) — Stop. / thank you for your kind attention. — Chord, and soft waltz in minor. (When girl is laid on couch.) — Crescendo. THE FUN REVUE 9 (When scarf is held in front of couch.) — Fast and loud; snare drum roll. Go! — Stop suddenly, with crash. Don't you knozv? JVhy, Vm the Hindu Man. — ''HINDU MAN." \ Part Two. {To open.) — "SAILING," refrain twice through; no en- core. / never knezv what love could do till vou sued me for breach of promise.— "SOON I'LL BE THE CZAR OF ZANZIBAR." Part Three. Optional. t. -^ ^ Part Four. (When drop closes in for opening.) — Chord. Horne-niade Fun Revue. — "MARY," introduction and cho- rus only, once through ; no verse. Sustain last note for exit. ril shozv you an old-fashioned girl. — "LJTTLE ANNIE ROONEY," introduction and chorus only, once through. Sustain. A type that is more up to date. — "PEGGY," introduction and chorus only, once through. Sustain. No?v let's look overseas. — "CHERIE," introduction and chorus only, once through. Sustain. I'll shozv you the kind that can dance. — "CARMEN, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARMIN'," introduction and chorus only, once through. Sustain. Withont a girl from L>?>/^.— "VIRGINIA LEE." introduc- tion and chorus only, once through. Sustain. (For encore.) — "VIRGINIA LEE," chorus only, once ^ ■ Part Five. (At rise.) — Soft, dreamy waltz. Oo^ la-la! — Stop. / ain't got enough to pass around, so I guess Vll keep it all . for myself.— '^l AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO PASS AROUND." Where I didn't hear a lot of knocki)i'. — Lively fox trot. 10 THE FUN REVUE {When chorus is on.) — Stop at end of chorus. Serenade for the bride while zve're waiting? — "CROONIN' 'NEATH THE COTTON-PICKIN' MOON." {Dark stage; Harry in spot.)—'TWE SUNBEAM AND THE MOONBEAM." For the zmalth of Cuthberi Cashbonds, the bootlegger. — ''SOLDIER'S FAREWELL," or "HOW CAN I LEAVE THEE?" very softly. Being a bootlegger's bride isn't what it's cracked up to be. — Stop. It is a shame she has to be a bootlegger's bride. — "JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE," fast and loud. We want to hear the Wedding March, not Just Before the Battle.— Changt to MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH. {When wedding party has formed.) — Stop. {Crash off stage.) — Soft agitato. She shall never become the bride of another! — Stop. Yes, let this nonsense cease. — Plaintive. Well, what are you going to do about itf — Stop. You nozv are man and wife. — FINALE. LIGHTING CUES. House lights. — Dark throughout. Part One. {At rise.) — All stage lights up full, with white flood, until — Just a little szueeter than the ones zue hear today. — Stage lights dim ; white spot on soloist entering left. Still to us at twilight comes lore's old sivcet song. — Increase lights. {Chorus repeats.) — Love's old sweet song. — Up full. Way back in sixty-three. — White spot on soloist entering right, and start diminishing stage lights. Szveet Alice zuhose hair zuas so brozmi. — Sw^ng spot to quar- tet. Stage dim. Swmee River, far, far away.—Stagt lights up full ; kill spot. THE FUN REVUE 11 Hey, Skinnay ; zvait a minute! — Stage dark; white spot on soloist. (After solo.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. Keep your eye on little old George W. — {Beginning of cir- cus spiel.) — Stage lights half down; white spot on spieler on bench. Follow sideshow freaks, as they are introduced, with spot. This or any other canvas. Fatima! — Red stage lights, half down; white spot on horse entering right. {When horse exits.) — Stage lights half down; spot back tO' spieler. / thank you for your kind attention. — Green stage lights, half down; white spot on Hindu entering right. Fol- low Hindu with spot until — {[fypnotism bit.) — Hold spot centered on couch until — Go! (Vanish of girl.) — Stage lights up full. Kill spot. (For song.) — Flood with changing colors; white at finish. Part Two. Stage lights up full throughout. Part Three. Optional. Part Four. (For opening.) — Stage lights up full. With our home-made Fun Revue. — Dark stage; white spot on center ; follow girl. (When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. Now ril show you an old-fashioned girl. — Dark stage; white spot on girl; follow girl. (When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. A type that is more up to date. — Dark stage ; white spot on girl; follow girl. (When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. We'll now look overseas. — Dim orange foots ; white spot on girl ; follow girl. (When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. I'll show you the kind that can dance. — Dim red foots; white spot on girl ; follow girl. (When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 12 THE FUN REVUE Without a girl from Dixie. — Red, white and blue foots, dim ; white spot on girl ; follow girl. {When man and girl exit center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. {For encore.) — Keep lights up full; white flood. Part Five. {At rise.) — Stage lights up full. {When Harry sits on table and takes picture from pocket.) — Dark stage ; white spot on Harry for song ; follow him to door center and swing to Polly as she enters, singing; follow the pair for duet finish. {After song.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. {When music changes to Wedding March.) — Stage lights half down ; spot on center to catch wedding party en- tering. {When ziredding party has formed down stage and inusic stops.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. {To finish.) — Up full. White flood for Finale. NOTES ON STAGING. "The Fun Revue" is designed to make it possible for clever entertainers to stage a big, spectacular musical pro- duction, similar in style tO' the professional revues, and yet avoid the heavy expense of hiring a professional coach and renting elaborate costumes and scenery — factors that fre- quently discourage the presentation of this attractive form of entertainment. *'The Fun Revue" can be presented — for it has been presented — with amateur talent and direction exclusively. It is so flexibly planned that it makes use of whatever talent, scenery, music and costumes that are avail- able in each instance. The instructions are complete, so that if given in a well-equipped theatre, the producers may take full advantage of scenic and lighting effects. It can be simplified as much as desired. The use of the elaborate lighting and musical effects is optional. It may be given on any stage where there is fair scenic equipment, and may be simplified as much as is necessary to fit the situ- THE FUN REVUE 13 ation. Thus it is equally available to large, talented troupes who have elaborate scenic facilities, and to less fortunate amateurs who desire to put on a big show with limited equipment. No attempt has been made to write a musical comedy with a plot. It is, as the original production w^as frankly advertised, "nothing but nonsense." The original cast was made up, for the most part, of young people who had never before appeared on the stage. There were only a few trained singers, and no trained comedians. The ensemble formations were very simple. It was the novelty of the entertainment, the diversity of the "stunts," and the speed and "pep" with which every member of the cast and chorus worked, as a result of thorough and enthusiastic rehears- ing, that made "The Fun Revue" the most talked about ama- teur show of the season. Follow the instructions here given as far as possible with the equipment at hand. But if changes are necessary they are easy to make. The flexibility of the entertainment is intentional. It should inspire originality and creative effort on the part of every amateur troupe that produces it. No book of dialogue and stage directions can be more than the groundwork upon which the producer and the performers must build up their own interpretation. The plan is prac- tical all the way through. Follow it as far as talent and facilities permit, but alter wdiere necessary. Consult theatre management regarding scenery and lights. Spot light is more important than flood. You can omit all light effects if you have to. The Cast. — If your troupe is small, a great deal of doubling is possible. The size of the chorus in Parts I and V is optional, and by very slight changes in the dia- logue the number of speaking parts can be increased or reduced. If you have no one who can do blackface com- edy, Jazbo can be cut from Part I, simply eliminating his entire scene ; and Mose in Part V can be played "straight" by a chorus man. Six of the chorus girls can work in Part IV. If you have plenty of people it may be better not to have any doubling, and to have each of the five parts pre- 14 THE FUN REVUE sented by a different group. If you resort to doubling, make sure that the costume changes are possible, otherwise you will have stage waits that will ruin your show. Of course you will cast your show in accordance with the nat- ural talent of the players. But previous training or expe- rience is by nO' means essential. The parts are all short and easily learned. Don't worry about finding "stars" for the cast. Assign the parts as appropriately as possible with the talent at hand. Then rehearse, and keep everlastingly at it. Remember, "practice makes perfect." Aim for per- fection. Put real energy and intelligent work into the show and the "talent" will naturally come to the surface. The Chorus. — The chorus work is largely up to the in- genuity of the director. Following detailed instructions for drill and gestures frequently results in a stiff, wooden, wholly uninteresting performance. If you have at your command someone who is familiar with stage ensemble dances, you can get up some elaborate eff'ects. Or a gymna- sium instructor can lend a hand and help work up some effective drill evolutions. But these are not essential. The chorus work can be kept very simple. In fact it can all have the appearance of being largely impromptu. In that case, give up any thought of having military precision. Simply bring the crowd on and off easily and naturally. Have them appear interested and pleased always. If the performers look bored, the audience is sure to feel bored. Whether your chorus work is elaborate or not, here are a few car- dinal rules of the chorus: Smile, smile, smile! Laughter is the most contagious thing in the world. Be interested in everything that happens. Do all your work with pep. The audience won't enjoy the show unless you enjoy it. The chorus is just as important as the main cast. Don't be disappointed because you are "just a chorus man" or "just a chorus girl." Work as hard as a principal and you won't be overlooked. You may be a principal next time. We can't all be generals in the army. Scenery and Properties. — Use what you have at hand. Practically every theatre has a wood set and an interior, and some kind of a drop "in one," which means near the THE FUN REVUE 15 footlights, allowing a narrow space while the stage back of the drop is being changed. In the original production Part I was staged in the desert of Sahara and Part V in an Arabian palace, but who cared ? Make the best of what is at hand. The audience will like it all the more. If the theatre has no plush curtain, use whatever is available. The Music. — If you wish you can substitute your own selections for a-ny or all of the songs specified. The pres- ent selections have all been made with great care ; all are appropriate and catchy and easy to sing. If you choose your own numbers be careful not to take any current hits that have already been "plugged" to death professionally. Your audience wants novelty. The use of an orchestra is not essential. You can put on a good show with just a pianist and violinist, or a pianist alone. If your musical director is not experienced, it may be wise to cut out some or all of the incidental music. All music specified is listed at the back of the book. Now a word as to the acts themselves: Part One. — For grown persons to impersonate children is always amusing, and ''Oh, Baby !" gives endless chance for uproarious funmaking. The stage properties can gen- erally be borrowed from the management of a local chil- dren's playground. The chute-the-chute slide can be omit- ted if necessary, though it is very effective. The other stage props are all easy. Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus No. 1 is unsurpassed for opening this show, but the introduc- tion and "Old Kentucky Home" should be cut. Start where the score is marked "tambourine solo." The directions for action given with the w^ords of the opening chorus in this book are merely suggestions. Avoid stiffness and artifi- ciality. Stage the circus scene with lots of hustle and ex- citement, but have everybody absolutely quiet except where indicated. The magic act is explained in detail so that this stunt may be performed, if necessary, by a man wholly unskilled in sleight-of-hand. If you have a magician avail- able, let him put on a trick or two of his own choosing. But his stunt must be brief, and he should choose tricks in keeping with oriental atmosphere. And don't omit the bur- 16 THE FUN REVUE lesque illusion, for it is a sure laugh-maker, and a big one. A light folding camp cot is best for the couch. Cover it with a bright spread that reaches to the floor on the side toward the audience. For the Hindu's crystal, a small fish globe will do nicely. The balloons are not essential but they help make a colorful picture for the finale, and work nicely with some crystal gazing business by the chorus. Part Two. — This is simply a sidewalk 'sketch to fill in while the stage is being arranged for Part III. The show is arranged to run a full evening without a break, but if it is desired to have an intermission, it should come after Part I. If an elaborate scene change is employed, it will be necessary to have an intermission at this point to com- plete the set for Part III while Part 11 is being enacted. Part Three. — This is reserved entirely for the introduc- tion of musical and dancing specialties according to the par- ticular talent at your command. It gives each troupe a chance to show its stars to their best advantage. It is a min- iature vaudeville show in itself. As originally presented it consisted of five brief numbers which followed each other quickly without interruption or change of scene. They con- sisted of a character dance, a double ragtime number on two pianos, a solo toe dancer, and a quartet and an es- thetic dance by six girls. Here is the place to feature your good novelty dancers, ragtime piano soloists or other per- formers on other instruments, quartet, etc. The stage set- ting is immaterial. There is no need of using a special set. It may be well to use the setting for Part V. A few bright screens, potted plants, Japanese lanterns, etc., will give it a novelty appearance, and by removing these properties and placing difi^erent furniture for Part V, the repetition of the scene itself will not be noticeable. No dialogue in this part. Part Four. — This requires a male soloist in evening attire and six pretty girls who can dance and pose. The man should strive to direct attention to each of his girl partners rather than draw it to himself. Any popular song chorus which features a girl's name can be used, with the neces- sary change on the program. But see to it that the types and costumes are well contrasted, as in the examples given. THE FUN REVUE 17 Part Five. — "The Bootlegger's Bride" is a musical trav- esty on melodrama, and is designed to pile up a lot of laughs and send the audience home happy. Will, Tom, Dick and Jim are supposed to be the chorus men who make up the quartet; Dolly, Molly, May and Fay are four chorus girls who have been paired off with them and who have a few lines to speak. They are designated as principals for the sake of convenience and clearness. The lines may be changed around or doubled up as much as desired, but in a home talent show it is desirable to have as many speak- ing parts as possible. The wedding party may be elab- orated as much as desired with best man, maid of honor, bridesmaids, etc., but it is not essential, and the details of the wedding party, which is all pantomimic, are therefore omitted to avoid confusi'on. Rehearse the ragtime wedding thoroughly. It must go with a good jingly swing and with- out a second's break in tempo between the respective speeches. The melodrama should be done with intense seri- ousness, and of course overacted. Pick up the closing cho- rus immediately after the last line of dialogue. Permit no pause. Notice the change in finale lyric from the minstrel version. The Presentation. — Speed is the most essential quality of a show of this type. Keep it moving every minute. This does not mean to dehver the lines like lightning, or neglect the comedy business. It means simply to sustain the action, to have all specialties brief, to be very sparing of encores, to avoid stage waits, and to keep the audience amused every minute. Gauge the show at the final rehearsals, and cut as much as necessary in order to keep the whole program down to two hours. Follow this recipe and you will win your audience. The staging of a big musical production has much in common with the staging of a minstrel show, and amateur producers will do well to add to their Hbrary, and study carefully, the following three books : "How to Stage a Minstrel Show," "How to Stage a Play," and "How to Advertise a Play." The preface which appears in "A Royal Cut-Up" and "In Hot Tamale Land" (musical come- dies) also will be found very helpful. P> TTII-: FUN Ri':VUK STAGE DIRECTIONS. Up stage means away from footlights ; dozvn stage, near footlights. In the use of right and leftj the actor is sup- posed to be facing the audience. THE FUN REVUE Part One. "OH, BABY!" Scene: A municipal playground, full stage. Garden or wood drop; zvood wings; an inclined playground slide, with ladder and top platform masked by zving up right, slants diagonally down stage toward center. Lawn szuing up cen- ter. Seesaw up left. Park benches dozim left and right. Stage may be further dressed zmth set trees, bushes and rocks, cut branches and potted plants, ad lib. Lights: Up full at rise. At rise. Playground Kiddies of chorus are flocking on Sluing and seesazu, playing horse and leapfrog, etc. Sammy, Tommy, Willy, Micky, Susie and Daisy come dozvn the slide, one after another, starting as soon as curtain is up. Some Chorus Kiddies may follozu if time permits. Mean- zuhile Diana pushes Rollo in from down left in a baby carriage or go-cart and allozus him to taste a lolly pop. Other Chorus Kiddies can enter from both sides, on roller skates, riding velocipedes, kiddy-cars, scooters, etc., if desired. Curtain rises as orchestra begins opening chorus number and principals above named begin their entrances. Princi- pals and chorus should all be on just before end of the ''Old Zip Coon'* movement, and form semicircle across stage from left to right, zmth principals in center of the arc, and boys and girls alternately. At the break all do breakstep. Full Chorus and Principals (sing). How do do? — How do do? (Stoop forzvard slightly zvith hands behind back. Nod left, then right.) We're here to welcome you. (Extend hands tozvard audience in zvelcoming gesture.) We will sing — anything — (Take erect posture, placing right hand on breast.) That we know, both old and new. 19 20 THE FUN REVUE {Graceful sweep of left hand from left to right. During the above, Hfork gradually dozvn to footlights. Now work back up stage in the same manner, to clear apron for soloist.) We'll start off with an old-time song That most of you will say Is just a little sweeter than The ones you hear today. {All turn, facing half -left, toward soloist.) Priscilla enters, dozvn left. Stage lights dim. Spotlight on soloist. Priscilla {sings). Just a song at twilight, When the lights are low, And the flick'ring shadows Softly come and go. Though the heart be weary. Sad the day, and long, Still to us at twilight Conies love's old sweet song. {During this solo, Priscilla works slowly across stage and then back, finishing at left end of semicircle. Increase lights.) Full Chorus {sings softly). Comes love's old sweet song. {Lights up fidl.) Full Chorus {snappily). But the young folks like to shake their shoulders, Yes indeed they do. They keep the old folks guessing What the world is coming to. If the girl who used to do the old-time Minuet were here. How would she treat the man who dared to Whisper in her ear — Luella enters left. She sings her line zvith snap and "pep," while doing a lively little dance step. Luella {sings). Come on and shimmy! Come on and shimmy! {Takes position left of Priscilla in semicircle.) THE FUN REVUE 21 Full Chorus (sings). They'd string him higher than a kite. (Point upimrd and fozvard the left with right hand.) Or tie him to a tree ; (Szving hand to right, still pointing up.) The girls who used to sing this song Way back in sixty-three. (Finish gesture zcith dowrnvard sweep and pointing off right to soloist entering. Lights grozv dim.) Prunella enters, right, in spot. Prunella (sings). Don't you remember Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt, Sweet AHce, whose hair was so brown? Quartet or Full Chorus (sings). Way down upon the Swanee River, Far, far away. (Lights up full.) LuELLA (coming dozvn center, sings). Old-time songs are dear, But the age of pep is here. We're going to wind up with the kind of Song you'll hear next year. (LuELLA takes position in center of semicircle. During the next chorus all the boys and girls ''pair off," each pair holding hands and looking into each other's faces, szvinging their clasped hands back and forth with semi-embarrassed ''puppy love" business.) Full Chorus (sings). Tell me who you're going to get to Make love to, when I go. Tell me who you're going to call for. Tell me who you're going to fall for. Tell me who you're going to get to Do housework, when I go. Tell me who you're going to get to Bring home the dough. Tell me who you're going to get to Sing love songs, when I go. 22 THE FUN REVUE Tell me who you're going to sigh for. Tell me who you're going to cry for. Tell me who you're going to get to Take all your rings out of pawn. Tell me who you're going to get to Make love to when I'm gone. (No encore should he taken unless the audience absolutely demands it. In tJiis case, use the ''Tell Me Who'' chorus only.) Sammy (looking off rigJit). Cut it out, kids ! Here comes the playground teacher. Susie (in ragtime tempo). Here comes teacher, ain't she sweet — Tommy. That old girl has such big feet — Willy. Has to walk in the middle of the street — (All do break-step; break by trap drummer.) Miss Fitt enters from the right. (Kiddies play quietly, in pantomime ; avoid "posing.") Miss Fitt. Mercy me, children, what a noise you are making! Now do please be little ladies and gentlemen. Daisy. Well, we are little ladies and gentlemen — as little as possible. Miss Fitt. Micky Flynn, you played hookey from school this morning. You missed your spelling lesson. Micky. I know me spellin' lesson, all right. Miss Flynn. I'll try you. Can you spell ''hat"? Micky. Nope. Miss Fitt. What ? You can't spell a simple little word like "hat"? Micky. No, ma'am. Miss Fitt. Why, if you grow up as ignorant as that, you'll starve to death. Micky. If I grow up with your disposition, I'll get mur- dered. Miss Fitt. I'm not going to let you play any games here with the other children until you have learned your spelling lesson. Now take this book and see if you can't learn some- TTTK FUN REVUE 23 thing. (Hands him a spelling book.) Sit down on that bench and study. Micky. Aw, what's the use? When I grow up I'm goin' to get a job where I don't have to know nothin'. Miss Fitt. Indeed ? And what are you going to be when you grow up? Micky. A school teacher. (He goes sulkily to a bench and studies. The other kids laugh boisterously. Sammy has gone out, right, unnoticed, during the above scene.) Miss Fitt (looking the children over). The idea! Johnny Jones, you were late for school this morning. Johnny. Yes. teacher. Miss Fitt. What made you late ? Johnny. Well, it was like this. (Deliz'ers following lines with gradually increasing speed, finishing as fast as he can articidate.) The alarm clock stopped last night and it was so dark and foggy this morning that the hired girl didn't wake up till late, and then when she tried to get to the kitchen window in the dark she upset a pail of water on the kindling wood ; it was the water the mackerel was soaking in, and it was on a chair and the wood was under it, and then because the wood was wet the fire wouldn't burn and the other wood that father was going to chop wasn't chopped yet, and our next door neighbor didn't have any wood and the girl had to go down in our back pasture and cut some, and when she got there there wasn't any and she came back and went to the store for some, and then the storekeeper told her she needn't take it with her 'cause he'd send it right over to our house, and she believed him, and when she got home the wood wasn't there and it was a long time before it come, and when it did come it was all wet from the rain and fog, 'cause the store- keeper never covered it up, and when she tried to start the fire again it wouldn't burn any better than our own wood, and then Maw she put on her hat and hurried over to the next-door neighbor and tried to borrow her stove but they was getting their own breakfast, and we could only get the use of one hole at a time, and our kettles and pans wouldn't fit their stove holes, and we had to wait till some 24 THE FUN REVITE of the neighbor's pans and kettles was washed, and Maw said she never saw such a dirty lot of pans and kettles in all her life, and then Maw tried tO' cook oatmeal so I could hurry and get tc school, but the neighbor didn't have any l)read in her house, and I had to come back home and dress Mary and Pete so they wouldn't be late for school, and then the baby woke up and he began to cry and Maw hurried back home to see what was the matter with it, and while she was finding out what was the matter with the oatmeal — I mean with the baby — the oatmeal burned, and we all had to wait till the kettle was cleaned again and some more baby cooked — I mean some more oatmeal cooked — and when that was done I had to hurry and eat just a little bit so I wouldn't be late for school, and I would have just got here on time only Pete got the nosebleed aw- ful and I had to wait till Maw washed her hands so she could write out an excuse to you for my being late yesterday. {He is completely out of breath zvhen he finishes.) Miss Fitt (helplessly). Well, Johnny, I guess you're excused. (Johnny joins playmates at szmng or seesazv.) Miss Fitt. Micky. (No response.) Micky! Have you learned your spelling lesson yet? Micky (looking up from hook vacantly). Eluh? Miss Fitt. Have you learned your spelling lesson ? Micky. Yes'm. Miss Fitt. Ell try you. Give me the book. (Takes hook and opens it.) Can you spell '*hat"? Micky. No'm. Miss Fitt. Why, that's the first word on the list. El-a-t, hat; t-i-e, tie; p-i-n, pin. Don't you remember? Micky. Yes'm. Miss Fitt. Now remember, h-a-t, hat ; t-i-e, tie ; p-i-n, pin. Now spell "hat." Micky. I can't. Miss Fitt. I just told you "hat" is spelled h-a-t. Micky. Yes'm. Miss Fitt. I'll try you again. Now spell "hat." Micky. I forgot again. THE FUN REVUE 25 ]\liss FiTT. Dear me! \\'ell, Til try another way. What does h-a-t spell? Micky. I dunno. Miss Fitt. Think carefully, Micky. What was the first word I taught you to spell? Micky (guessing zvildly). "Tie"? Miss Fitt (trying to be patient). No, Micky. I said h-a-t. (He stands in stupefied silence.) H-a-t. When you come to school in the morning, doesn't your mother always see that you haven't forgotten to put something on your head ? Micky (brightening). Yes'm. Miss Fitt (pleased with her progress). Of course. Now tell all the little boys and girls what you put on your head ever)^ morning before you go to school. Micky (triumphantly). Kerosene oil ! Sammy dashes in from the right. Sammy (shouts excitedly). Gee-whiz, fellers! What do you think? Susie. What happened, Sammy? Is the school house on fire? Sammy. Better than that. The circus is coming to town ! All (excitedly). Oh, where is it? Sammy. They've just started to unload at the — (local railway line) tracks, over by — . (Name zvell-known build- ing or other location near point where circuses usually de- train locally.) (Children, all but Sammy and Luella, exeunt right, ex- citedly and noisily, shouting such characteristic remarks as ''Hare they got elephants f' '7 want some pink lemonade T '7 want a balloon!'' ''Did you see the clowmsf" etc. Miss Fitt follows after tJiem, shouting, "Nozv, children, do zuatch out for those zvild animals," etc. Luella sits sadly on bench at left and Sammy stands alongside, fidgeting.) Sammy, Don't you like circuses? Come on and see the elephants. Luella. Haven't you ever been in love? Sammy, No ; but I've had the measles. Are you in love? 26 THE FUN REVUE LuELLA (sighs deeply). I never knew I could feel so blue. Sammy. Feelin' blue on circus day ? (Disgustedly.) Gte, ain't that jest like a woman! (Yells off.) Hey Skin-nay! Wait a min-nut! (Runs off right.) (Lights: Stage dark; spot on Luella.) Solo by Luella: "Your Little Girl.'' Jack Dalton enters breezily from the left, pauses at cen- ter, and looks admiringly at Luella, zuho has sat on the bench at left and is moodily poking her parasol into the ground. Observing him, she snubs him by turning one shoulder toward him. Jack (aside). Fve been trying to meet that girl for the past two days, but she can't see me. (Looks at her a mo- ment.) By Jove, I have an idea! I'll employ my army training, using military tactics and terms apropos of time, place and situation. (Bugle call.) Aha! War is declared! (Military march. He goes through the motion of unsheath- ing a sword with his cane, which he places to shoulder; paces across and faces audience, down right; surord salute.) Mob- ilisation ! (Luella pretends alarm, makes face at him, opens para- sol and shields herself with it.) Jack. The enemy is already entrenched. (Marks time, with cane at shoulder.) Luella (peeking around parasol). Goodness! War is declared, and I am unprepared! I wonder if my hat is on straight. (Fixes hat.) Jack (in gruff voice). Captain Jack Dalton, you are hereby assigned to scout duty. The enemy is reported within a short distance of our advance guard. Reconnoiter her position and report to headquarters immediately. (Sa- lutes imaginary officer, sheaths szuord, marches across and back, then goes to bench.) (Luella keeps parasol betzueen them. He tries to peek at her several times, but each time she foils him zvith para- sol. Jack turns his back to her and faces audience, mark- THE FUN REVUE 27 iiii/ time. As he does this, Luella lozvers parasol, takes out powder puff and powders face. He slyly turns and sees her, then mareJies briskly across right and salutes.) Jack. I have the honor to report that the enemy is strongly entrenched behind a strong fortification of red parasol, and (Luella again powders nose) appears to be well supplied with ammunition. (Music stops.) Especially smokeless powder. (In gruff voice.) Captain, you must take the enemy at any cost! (He salutes. Bugle call.) The advance! (With hand at sword hilt, Jack creeps stealthily tozi^ard bench, and Luella shrieks. She peeks around para- sol and makes a face at him. He runs back in comedy alarm.) Jack (hurrying rigJit). The retreat is made for strategic reasons. (Salutes.) General, the enemy appears to be too strongly fortified to attack with the force now under my command. Have you any further orders? (Gruffly.) Cap- tain Jack Dalton, my compliments for your conduct on scout duty, and you are hereby ordered to lay siege to the enemy, and starve her out ! Luella (screams). Starve me out? Horrible! Jack (gruffly). You are not to take her to soda fountain (locali:;e) until she surrenders. Luella. Oh, dear me ! Jack (to her). Enemy, there is the ultimatum. The siege commences. I shall have to starve you out. Luella. Scoundrel ! Jack. The enemy opens the engagement with one small calibre gun. Luella (rapidly). You villain! How dare you presume to annoy me in this manner? It is cowardly of you to per- sist in inflicting yourself and your odious attentions upon me. I am sure I never gave you the least encouragement for you to assume that your presence would be welcome to me. You are no gentleman, otherwise you would recog- nize the fact that my only desire is to be alone, alone! Jack. The enemy now employs a rapid-fire machine gun. Three thousand shots a minute. Luella. Brute! 28 THE FUN REVUE Jack. Forty-two centimetre. LuELLA (pauses and sigJis). Oh, dear. Isn't a siege dreadful thing. Jack. Terrible. Starving to death is worse than being half shot. LuELLA. And some of those sieges lasted a very long time, didn't they? Jack. They sure did. Look at the siege of Paris — six months. Siege of Ladysmith two years. Port Arthur — nine years. LuELLA. Goodness me ! Pm beginning to feel the effects of this already. (Pauses, sighs and moves to far end of bench.) Jack (sits by her). War isn't so bad, after all. (Puts left arm around her.) The enemy is almost surrounded by our left wing. (Squeezes her.) We are advancing rapidly in close formation. (Gets up, crosses briskly doivn right, and salutes.) General, we have met the enemy and she is ours. LuELLA (Jias arisen during his cross and gone to extreme left.) Oh, no, she isn't. Jack. Why not? LuELLA (laughing). You forgot tO' sign the armistice! (Quick exit left.) Enter Susie, Daisy and four'or six other Playground Girls. They step into t'/Vtc just in time to see Luella go, and they laugh heartily at Jack. Susie (laughing). Oh, girls! Did you see what I saw? Girls (in unison). We'll say we did! (All laugh.) Daisy (laughing). Oh, girls! Did you hear what she said ? Girls (in unison). We'll say we did! (All laugh.) Jack. Are you laughing at me? Girls (in unison). We'll say we are! (All laugh.) Jack. So you're giving me the ha-ha. Susie. That's about all we can give you. Jack. Is that so ! Well, you ought to have seen me when I was in Spain, with Carmen. THE FUN REVUE 29 Girls (m unison). Carmen? Jack. That's right. With Carmen ; she was absolutely charmin'. Solo and chorus by Jack and Girls: "Carmen, She Was Absolutely Charmin' f' (If desired, a chorus gro^tp of Spanish dancing girls, imfh tambourines and castanets, may be introduced. Introducing a girl dancer to do a cJiaracteristic Spanish solo dance, ivliile Jack sings the chorus, or as an interlude befzveen the first and second verses, also zvill prove effective. At close of number all exeunt, leaznng empty stage.) Jazbo Jones enters, singing the last fezv zvords of the chorus of ''Carmen, She Was Absolutely Charrnin','' zvith- out musical accompaniment. He zvalks aimlessly to the foot- lights and stands staring stupidly at the orchestra leader. Leader. Here, you! Get off the stage! Jazbo. Who ? Leader. You ! Jazbo. Me ? Leader. Yes, you! Jazbo. What fo'? Leader. We don't want any stage hands coming out here spoiHng the show. Jazbo. Law, man, Ah ain't no stage hand. Leader. What are you? Jazbo. Ah is the stage expector. Leader. Don't try to tell me you're the stage director. Why, Mr. {name) is the stage director for this show, and everybody knows it. Jazbo. Ah ain't said stage "director." Ah is the stage expector. Leader (sarcastically). Stage expector! The idea! There's no such thing. Jazbo. Man, you is hyah to 'tend strictly to yo' own business, and not to reveal yo' ignorance. Leader. What are you doing out here on the stage? What is this job of stage expector, anyway? 30 THE FUN REVUE Jazbo. What is Ah doin' out hyah on the stage? Leader. Yes. What are you doing out here on the stage ? Jazbo. Standin' hyah. Leader. Don't you know that Miss — (name) is supposed to sing her solo now? Jazbo. Yas, suh, she is s'posed to. But s'posed to ain't is. Leader. How can she sing while you are spoiling the show? Jazbo. Well, boss, you see she wasn't jest quite com- pletely ready. She had to borrow a safety pin. So Mistah — (name of stage manager) says to me, ''Jazbo/' he says, "go out and hold the audience." 'Tain't often a man gits a chance to hold a full house. Leader. But what about this job of stage expector? Jazbo. Well, Miss — (name) ain't hyah to sing her song now, but Ah expect ^er. Leader. Aren't you going to tell a funny story, or some- thing ? Jazbo. You reckon the audience would like me to tell a funny story? Leader. Of course they would. Do you think they want you to stand up there and look foolish? Jazbo. Not when the awchestra leader is in full view. Well, hyah's a good one. They was two travelin' men met each otheh down to the — — Hotel (localice), an' one of 'em says to the otheh — Leader. No, no, don't tell that one ! Jazbo. Why not tell that one? It's a funny one. Leader. Respectable people won't listen to a story like that. Jazbo. You listened to it with both ears pinned back, when Ah told it out in the alley. Ah don't know no otheh stories. Leader. Well, then tell some riddles. Jazbo. Don't know no riddles. Leader. I'll tell you one. Lean over so I can whisper it. Jazbo. Another one of them travelin' man stories, eh? THE FUN REVUE 31 Leader. No, but I have to whisper it so you can spring- it on the audience. They don't want to hear me tell it. You want to make them laugh ; surprise them. Jazbo. If one of your jokes makes 'em laugh, it'll sur- prise everybody. Leader. Never mind that. Now, listen. (Jazbo leans forzi'ard mid Leader zMspcrs to him across the footlights.) Jazbo (grinning and straightening up). That's a good one. That'll make 'em laugh. (To audience.) Now, audi- ence, I will make you laugh. (CJiuckling.) This is a good one, this is. Now, listen. Get this. Why is a — why is a oyster — why is a oyster like a — (hesitates, then turns to Leader). How does that dog-gone joke go, anyway? Leader. You've got it all mixed up. It isn't "why Is an oyster like" anything. It is simply, what is an oyster? Jazbo. Oh, yes. (To audience.) It is simply what is an oyster? (Pause.) That part ain't so funny, but wait till you hear the rest of it. It is simply what is an oyster? (Pause.) Now, wait. Get this. You'll laugh your head off. What is an oyster? (Pause.) Give it up? (Bursts into un- controlled laughter.) Leader. Well, go ahead and spring it! Jazbo (struggling to keep from laughing). What is an oyster? The answer is, an oyster is — an oyster is — (his laughter fades away and he looks zwrried.) An oyster is — (to Leader). You went and made me fo'get the answer. Leader. You don't know how to tell a joke, anyway. You ask me what is an oyster, and I'll tell you, and then we can go on with the show. Come on, now. Make it snappy ! Iazbo (aggrieved). Ah knows how to tell a joke,^ all right. But how kin anybody tell a joke when they fo'get what the joke is? Leader. Never mind. Go ahead and ask me, what is an oyster. Jazbo. Well, then, George (use Leader's first name), what is an oyster? Leader. An oyster is a lish built like a nut. 22 THE FUN REVUE Orclicsfra goes loudly to introduction of next song. Anne enters from the left and Jazbo exits right. Before the in- troduction is finished, Jazbo re-enters hastily and goes up to Anne. Jazbo. Wait a minute, Miss — (uses her real name). (Music stops.) Anne. What's the matter now? Jazbo. Ah jest thought of a joke. Anne. You just tried tO' tell a joke. And a fine mess you made of it, too ! Jazbo. Ah didn't make no mess of it. It was a mess be- fo' Ah told it. That was one of George's jokes. Ah just thought up one of mah own. Anne. Well, hurry up and tell it. Jazbo. Listen. It goes like this : Why is an 03'ster like — Anne (interrupting). You just told that one. Jazbo. This ain't the same oyster. The joke is, why is George like an oyster? Anne. That sounds like the same joke. Jazbo. Ah know. The question is almost synonymous. But the answer is mah own invention. Now you ask me, why is George like an oyster? Anne. Well, why is Mr. — (use Leader's surname) like an oyster? Jazbo, The poor fish is cracked like a nut. (Leader makes gesture as if to tliroiv ziolin at Jazbo, who makes a quick running exit, right.) Solo by Anne. (The choice of this song is entirely optional zvith the stage director and the soloist. It is a good position for a "kid" song, for which Anne inay have retained her playground attire. Or she may appear with changed costmne.) Just before Anne finishes singing, Mr. Jingling enters from the rig Jit and stands quietly near the zvings, watcJiing her. She starts right, as though to exit, and he intercepts her. Jingling (suavely). Well, little girl, you have a remark- able voice. You ought to go into the profession. THE FUN REVUE 33 Anne (timidly). It's getting late, and I ought to go home, and not talk to strangers. Jingling. Oh, no. Good little girls don't go home. They wait till they die, and then they go to heaven. And do you know where bad little girls go? Anne. They go to the Station (local) to meet the traveling men. Jingling. Don't you know who I am? Anne. No; who are you? Jingling (proudly). You are now looking upon the countenance of the one and only George W. JingHng, sole owner and manager of Jingling's Grand Imperial Circus, Side Show and Carnival — positively the greatest, grandest and most gorgeous exhibition under this or any other can- vas. Anne (not impressed) . You don't say. That's a cute vest you have on ; but rather hard on the eyes. Jingling. I guess 3^ou don't understand. I am George W. Jingling, the George W. Jingling, known the world over as the greatest circus man in the history of civilization ! Anne. Oh; are you the clown? Jingling. Clown? I should say not! I hold the most responsible position on the lot. Anne. You don't say so. Jingling. I am the barker. Anne. Barker? Then it's a dog and pony show? Jingling. Not at all. My work is very difficult. I stand outside and holler while the people buy the tickets. Anne. Then you can take a day off. When we sold tickets for the Fun Revue, the people did enough hollering themselves. (Looks off right.) Why, they have the tent up already! (Beating of bass drum is heard off right.) And what a lot of funnv looking people! What are they going to do? Jingling. Young lady, the ballyhoo is just about to begin. Anne. Bally what? (Fast circus music starts softly, and increases.) Jingling. The ballyhoo ; the spiel ; the bunk ; the good 34 THE FUN REVUE old hokum. Beware of pickpockets and well-dressed stran- gers, and keep your eye on little old George W. ! Fast circus music is nozu' very loud. Enter tzvo Clowns, down right, heating bass drum and cymbals, follozved by an irregular group of Kiddies. They march briskly across to left, then back to bench at right. Meantime Jingling nwunts the bench, and the children crowd around him. O tiler Kiddies keep straggling in during the following scene, until all are on. After Jingling begins his "spiel," the Clowns quietly exit, taking drum and cymbals with them. The Kiddies are very noisy when they enter, but all are quiet when "spieV starts. Lights half dozmi; spot on Jingling. Jingling (on bench at right). Well, well, well folks. (Music stops.) Here we are! Step right up and gather around, but don't crowd ! Plenty of room for all ! Now, ladies and gentlemen, before the main show starts under the big top, we are going to let you see some of the marvels and wonders that are in store for you when you buy your tickets at the door. Remembah, this performance is enter- taining and instructive as well as amusing, and there is noth- ing to offend either man, woman or child. Step right up, folks, and gather around for the free exhibition ! Lemonade Vender enters from the right, carrying a bas- ket of refreshments. Vender (shouts). Candy— -peanuts — pink lemonade! Nothing sold inside the big tent ! Candy — peanuts — pink lemonade! It's ice cold! (Several Kiddies crozvd around and buy from him in pantomime, during Jingling's "spiel.'') Jingling. Now, folks, I will first introduce to you one of the most remarkable and sensational novelties ever known to man ; the anthropological monstrosity that has baffled the medical and scientific world ; the most amazing freak that has ever been exhibited on this or any other platform! La- dies and gentlemen, I beg to introduce Zaza, the one and only original wild woman I THE FUN REVUE 35 Loud chord, snare druin roll and cymbal crash. Zaza en- ters from the right, boivs and climbs on the bench a.9 Jingling steps dozani. Miss Fitt, eyeing Zaza curiously, enters after her. There are excited exclamations from the Kiddies, such as, ''Oh, isn't she azifuir "Well, nfhat do you think of that?" ''I zvish they'd put her back in the cage!" and other suitable comments ad lib. to make tip a 'tnoment of general clamor. In the midst of it Miss Fitt is heard shrieking, "Willy, keep away from> that creature!" Sammy {to Jingling). Gee, Mister, we got wilder women than that right around Public Square (locali::e). Miss Fitt (to Jingling). Professor, would you mind explaining why Zaza is wild? Jingling. Certainly, madam. We cut out her tongue, so she can't talk. That will make any woman wild. Now, Zaza, step down off the platform and go back in the tent. (Chord. Exit Zaza, right. Applause by all.) Ladies and gents, Zaza will take a leading part in the big show, and it's all for twenty-five cents, two dimes and a jitney, two bits, or a qua't'-of-a-dollah ! Next comes one of the most stupendous novelties ever revealed, who as a part of the main show will make your eyes bulge, your teeth chatter, your hair stand on end, and chills and fever run up and down your spinal column. Folks, I direct your attention to Mademoiselle Spinclli, the one and only Sicilian snake- charmer, and her poisonous pet, the fatal whang-whang from the banks of the dreamy Nile. Mademoiselle Spi- nelli ! Chord, roll and crash as before. Mlle. Spinelli enters from the right zvith monster fake snake twined about her neck and shoulders. The children fall back in fright. Site mounts the bench. Jingling. Ladles and gents, this little lady is the most fearless and intrepid person who ever flirted with death. Inside the big tent you will see her descend Into the ser- pents' pit and subdue the poisonous reptiles by the power of her will and the glitter of her eye. And it all costs but 36 THE FUN REVUE twent3^-five cents. (Mlle. Spinellt steps down and exits rif/iit. Chord. Applause by all.) Lemonade Vender (is heard shouting from amidst the crowd). You can't enjoy the circus without a nice, cold drink ! Anybody else want one ? Candy, peanuts, popcorn, pink lemonade ! During the next speech the Balloon Man quietly enters from right with a big bunch of toy balloons, which he dis- tributes to all the crowd, as though selling balloons in panto- mime. Jingling. Ladies and gents, the free show is only half ovah ! I next call your attention to one of the most remark- able and amazing attractions ever shown in this country. There are thousands of imitations, but this is the one and only original. I refer to Fatima, the oriental dancing won- der, never before seen under this or any other canvas. Fatima ! Lights all down. Spotlight. Oriental dance music, zmth tomtom and clarinets dominant. Two Attendants enter from the right, carrying incense jars in upstretched arms. They zvalk slozuly and impressively to center, then one goes to extrem^e right, dozvn stage, and the other to the extreme left. They boza^ lozv. Fatima, a property horse, then enters, executes a brief comedy dance, and exits right, follozved by Assistants zwth incense jars. Jingling. Ladies and gents, these are only a few of the sights and wonders that will dazzle the eye and benumb the intellect when you have bought your tickets at the door. Before the box-office opens I ask you to remain but one min- ute more, and witness still another sample of the great show that is about to begin. The most mysterious and awe- inspiring spectacle ever shown. Remembah, the closer you watch the less you see, and the quickness of the hand de- ceives the eye ! I beg to introduce the Hindu Man ! I thank you for your kind attention ! (Music: Grand chord, follozved by soft waits in minor.) Hindu Man enters from right, arms folded, zmlking slozvly and imperiously. His Two Assistants follozv him THE FUN REVUE -^7 in. First Assistant carries two silk handkerchiefs each about fiveli'e or fourteen inches square, a red and a blue. The blue has been ''faked/' as follows : It is really two blue handkerchiefs, sezvn together at the edges all around ex- cept at one corner^ where about an inch of each edge fornp- ing the corner has been left open, thus leaving a small open- ing to the bag. Inside the double handkerchief is a small silk American flag, about eighteen inches long. The longer comer of the flag, diagonally opposite to the blue field of stars, has been tied, by a small knot, to one of these un- seam corners, and the flag then pushed into the blue hand- kerchief. The tlirce zrhite stars in the extreme corner of the flag have been made blue with dye or blue ink, and this blue corner of the flag protrudes, hit is apparently the cor- ner of the blue handkerchief. When correctly arranged as described, the blue bag nozv looks like a plain blue silk handkerchief, along zmth the plain red one. The First Assistant carries these in one hand, with studied careless- ness, so that when handing them to Hindu he gets the blue one at the prepared corner. Second Assistant carries a sheet of nezvspaper, which has beeu ''faked'' as follozvs : It is really a double nezvspaper sheet, pasted carefully together along both ends and at one long side, leaving the other long side open. This must appear to be simply a single sheet torn from a nezvspaper. When Hindu enters, he carries in the crook of his left arm, and held in place by the folds of his costume, an American flag like the one concealed in blue double handkerchief. It has been rolled in a compact ball, and the last corner pinned dozmi zmth a small pin, so it will not spring apart prematurely. Hindu comes dozvn front at center. Assistants follow- ing him and standing slightly back of him, one at either side. Hindu deliberately extends right arm and shozvs it back and front, fingers spread apart, casually pulling back right sleeve zmth left hand as he does so, to shozu audience that nothing is hidden in his right hand. He repeats this same business, shozmng left hand empty and pulling left sleeve back at elbozv zmth right hand. As he makes this 38 THE FUN REVUE gesture, his right hand takes the flag ball from left elbow. He should zmtch his left hand intently, just as he has zuatched right hand before. This helps to misdi- rect the attention of the audience, whose gaze will be fixed on outspread left hand at the moment that he gets flag ball with right. He now brings the hands together and perfonns a little rubbing motion betzveen the hands, pulls out the pin, and gradually develops the flag from the finger tips. When fully produced, he holds it up, shozvs back and front, lays across one arm of First Assistant. shozvs hands empty as before, and bozm gracefully. Crozvd applauds zuhcn trick is completed. (Note: Hindu /^rr- forms this sleight-of-hand act directly to real audience, all those on stage zviio do not take active part in this specialty having drawn up stage and zimtching him zvith intent in- terest. Thus his back is really turned to them, which is of course contrary to zvhat it zmtdd be in real life. But the purpose is to mystify your audience, and the incongruity is permissible. So Hindu must perform to the real audience, not to his make-believe spectators on the stage.) After the applause folWzuing flag production, Hindu takes red and blue handkerchiefs from First Assistant, casu- ally shows them: as unprepared, and "ties them together," fastening a corner of the red silk to the blue corner of flag protruding from double blue. He then zimds them together, zinth the red outside, taking care that the flag is not pre- maturely pulled out, and beckons to First Clown, zuho steps forzimrd. Hindu places the crumpled tied silks in one hand of Clown and has him hold this hand well aloft, thus keeping the crumpled silks in fidl viczv of audience. Hindu nozv takes nezvspaper from Second Assistant, casually shows it unprepared, and forms a cornucopia with it, taking care that the open edge of double sheet forms the top edge of cornucopia. Under pretext of smoothing inte- rior of cornucopia and perfecting its shape, he separates the tzvo sheets, so that the inside of the double sheet be- comes the inside of the cornucopia. Points cornucopia tozvard audience so they can see it is empty, takes flag from I THE FUN REVUE 39 First Assistant and places it inside of cornucopia, push- ing it well dozvn. Beckons Second Clown to come for- ward and places cornucopia in his hand, and has him hold it aloft. Assistants quietly exeunt right. Clowns stand close to footlights, right and left respectively. Hindu, with empty hands, makes iftipressive gestures, as though he is Causing the flag to pass front First Clown's hand to Sec- ond Clown's hand. Steps quickly to First Clown, snatches cornucopia from him, opens the paper out flat and shozvs it empty. (Flag is hctiveen the two sheets and bulge in crumpled paper zuill not be noticed.) As soon as he has shozvn paper clearly empty he crumples it up care- lessly and hands it to First Clown. Steps across to Sec- ond Clown, takes a corner of red handkerchief and pulls it zvith a szveeping gesture, Clown releasing the crumpled silks. The jerk pulls flag out of double blue silk, and the three are shozvn tied together, flag between red and blue silks. Flag apparently has passed from cornucopia and tied itself between handkerchiefs. ETindu shozus the tied silks, zvith a gracefid bozv, and hands them- to Second Clown. Applause. Clowns quietly exeunt left. As the Clowns exit, the First and Second Assistants cjiter rigJit, carrying a light couch (a folding camp cot zvill do), covered zvith a rich drapery or spread that is large enough to reach the floor. They place it at center, parallel zvith footlights. Hindu takes a crystal from, couch, impres- sively beckons to one of the Playground Girls {preferably a small one), zvho steps timidly forzvard. He faces her, gazes sternly in her eyes, holds crystal in front of her face and makes a fezv slozv hypnotic passes. She closes her eyes, becomes rigid, tips backzvard and is caught by First Assistant. Second Assistant lifts her by her feet, and First Assistant liolds her u-p by ilie shoulders; Hindu remoz'cs large scarf from couch and Assistants gently lay Girl on couch. Hindu makes a fezv more passes over her, then takes one corner of scarf, hands First As- sistant another corner and they hold scarf in front of couch and Girl. Music grozvs loud and fast. Hindu 40 THE FUN REVUE shakes the scarf to make it ripple and shouts ''Go!" snatch- ing scarf azuay and shozmng that Girl has vanished. Music stops. [She has simply rolled off the back edge of conch as soon as concealed by scarf and is lying on the floor.) Loud applause. Hindu throws scarf on couch and bows. As soon as the vanish has created its full effect and the applause of tJie audience has subsided^ Assistants pick up couch and exit zvith it right, slwwing girl on floor. (This business must be 'timed at exactly the right moment, to get the full effect. Be guided by the response of the audience. Do not do it too quickly. Also, do not start dialogue until laughter has subsided, as this burlesque magic comedy bit is sure-fire.) Girl (sitting up, and looking up, dazed, at Hindu). Say, who are you, anyway? Hindu. Don't you know? Why, I'm the Hindu Man! Solo by Hindu Man : "Hindu Man'' with ensemble chorus. (For this number all the participants in Part I are brought in, and the dances, drills and groupings are op- tional zvith the stage director. An excellent effect is had by all the chorus having toy balloons and hold them in "crystal gazing" fashion zvhile singing the chorus. This is your Part I finale. IVork up the ensemble in spectacular style, and with as much flash as possible. If your director is not experienced in staging production numbers, it will be zvell to have Hindu sing one verse and one chorus, zvith all players grouped as attractively as possible and zuatching him with keen interest. Then repeat chorus, full ensemble, once through, and — ) Slow Curtain, THE FUN REVUE 41 Part Two. "PITY THE SAILORS ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS." Scene: A city street, in one (in front of curtain). Enter Pete and Skeet, in sailor uniforms, singing: Sailing, sailing, over the bounding main, For many a stormy wind shall blow, ere Jack comes home again. Sailing, saiHng, over the bright blue sea ; To see a schooner cross the bar, that is the life for me. Sailing, sailing, all around the town ; Whenever we try to pick 'em up, they always throw us down. Sailing, sailing, we are the gallant crew A cruising half-seas over on the good ship Fun Revue. (Music stops.) (The music is the refrain of ''Sailing/' found on page 2/ of ''The Golden Book of Favorite Songs.") Skeet (continues to sing, unaccompanied). Sailing, sail- ing, over the — Pete (interrupting). Here, what's the matter with you? The song is finished. Skeet. I know it. I was singing the encore. Pete. The encore? You should wait for the audience to applaud before you sing an encore. Skeet. I wasn't taking any chances. Pete. I suppose you think that's funny? Skeet. I'd think it was funny if we got an encore, with you singing. Pete. Never mind my singing. Skeet. I don't mind it ; I'm used to it. Pete. I've heard enough about that song. Skeet. I guess the audience has heard about enough of it, too. Pete. \\'hoever told you you were an actor? 42 THE FUN REVUE Skeet. Nobody. I just came out liere so you wouldn't get all the blame for the song. Pete. You're a fine looking sailor, you are ! Skeet. Sh! This is only a disguise! I'm not a sailor. Pete. Not a sailor? Skeet. No, indeed. Pete. What are you — a detective? Skeet. Sh ! Pm a breath detector for the government, Pete. Do you wear a badge? Skeet. No ; a gas mask. Pete. How did you get the job? Skeet. Pm very fond of reading. Pete. Oh. come off ! What has reading got to do with breath detecting? yr Skeet. You have to know all the best cellars. X Pete. Did you get the appointment through the civil service? Skeet. No; it was a different law that got me the job. Pete. What law was that? Skeet. The law of the survival of the fittest. Pete. Are there any other requirements? Skeet. You have to have a musical education. Pete. Do you expect me to believe that? Skeet. Sure. A breath detector has to recognize the songs of all the different nations. Pete. What's the idea? Skeet. Well, there's the national air of Italy, for ex- ample. Pete. The national air of Italy? Skeet. Sure; garlic. Pete. You can't arrest a person for eating garlic. Skeet. I can if I detect it on their breath. Pete. Why, nobody can eat garlic and conceal it. Skeet. Oh, yes, they can. Pete. How can they? Skeet. Eat at the (local hotel or restaurant) and I'll never detect it on your breath. Pete. How come? THE FUN REVUE 43 Skeet. They charge you so much it'll take your breath away. Pete. "What would you do if you found I had been drinking? Skeet. I'd be sorry I hadn't met you sooner. Pete. You don't mean to say you ever drink anything? Skeet. Yep ; anything, Pete. I never drink anything stronger than coffee. Skeet. Oh, I can't touch that stuff. I have a brother who is a confirmed coft'ee drinker, and he hasn't slept a night for nearly four years. Pete. He hasn't! How does he stand it? Skeet. He's a night watchman and sleeps in the day- time. Pete. Not so bad. But I want to ask you a question. Skeet. Go ahead and ask it. Pete. Doesn't your job give you a lot of queer experi- ences ? ' Skeet. Fll say it does. Listen. Last week I pinched a guy with, a quart bottle on his hip. Pete. A quart bottle. Skeet. I asked him what it was. He said it was Scotch whisky. Pete. Was it real Scotch? Skeet. Was it Scotch ? One drink and I started to sing "The Campbells are Coming." Another drink, and I started counting the camels. Pete. Don't you know the camel is the symbol of pro- hibition ? Skeet. "Simple" is right. Pete. I didn't say ''simple" ; I said "symbol." A camel will go nine days without a drink. Skeet. Of course it will. And don't you know the camel is the most unintelligent animal that ever came out of the ark? Pete. What makes you think so? Skeet. The camel is the only animal in a circus me- nagerie that nobody has ever been able to teach to do tricks. 44 THE FUN REVUE Pete. Not so good. But now that you're back in town, aren't you going to come back to my wife's boarding house? Skeet. Your wife's boarding house? Pete. Why, yes. Don't you remember when you used to board at our house? Skeet. Don't I? I wish I coukl forget it. Your wife was a nice woman, but she ran the worst boarding house I ever saw. Pete. Well, I like that ! Skeet. Well, I didn't like it. Pete. Then why didn't you leave? Skeet. Leave? Say, I got so weak I couldn't leave. Pete. The idea ! Skeet. I got so thin I had to wear a pad under my sus- penders to keep my shoulder blades from cutting them in two. Pete. Impossible. Skeet. Yes, the place was impossible. When dinner was ready the cook used to wring a towel instead of a bell. Pete. You're making light of my wife's cooking. Skeet. Your wife's cooking was so light I couldn't keep it down. But that wasn't all. I didn't mind getting hash every day, but when she put prunes in it on Sunday and called it plum pudding, that was going too far. Pete. There's one thing my wife prides herself on, and that's her cofifee. Skeet. Her coffee? Say, her coffee was so weak she had to give it a tonic to make it come to the table. But the butter was strong enough. Pete. I want you to understand that my wife has good butter ! Skeet. Maybe. But she keeps it from the boarders. And those pies ! They were awful ! Pete. Maybe you don't know that my wife was making pies when she was a little girl. Skeet. I guess those were the pies we got hold of. Pete. Pve heard enough of my wife's boarding house. Do you understand ? Skeet. Pve had enough of it, too. We will now render THE FUN REVUE 45 that popular ballad entitled, "I never knew what love could do, till you sued me for breach-of-promise." Song by Pete and Skeet, "Soon I'll be the Czar of Zan- zibar," and quick exit. Part Three. "RHYTHM A LA MODE." Curtain zvhich served as baek drop for Part II rises and reveals a palace interior or zvoodland exterior, full stage. There is no dialogue in Part III, this act consisting of a program of dancing and vocal and instrumental music, the details of which are optional. See introductory notes. The curtain nrhich falls at the conclusion of Part III is hung "in one," so that zvhen it descends it leaves the narrow strip of stage by the footlights ready for the presentation of— Part Four. "SOME SHEET MUSIC COVERS." The curtain against which this scene is given should be, if possible, a pUish drop, hanging in loose folds, and with a division at the center through which the characters come and go. These directions assume that such a drop is used, through a street or conservatory or ballroom drop, or any other curtain '^in one" may be used, the players making en- trances and exits either at right or left as convenient. The act opens zvith lights up full. Music: A chord. The Man enters through opening in curtain and recites this prologue: The Man. Now, friends and music lovers, We'll bring in quick review Some living music covers For the songs we sing to you. And this will also introduce Some members of our show. 46 THE FUN REVUE They'll hold the stage a moment, And then away they'll go. You'll soon forget our faces and You'll soon forget our play ; But when the show is over, and You all have gone away, If the mem'ry of this nonsense Brings back a smile or two, We'll know we've entertained you With our home-made Fun Revue. (While reciting the prologue he moves casually to the left, zvell azuay from the center, and as he finishes, the stage is darkened, spot light is throzvn on center, music starts, and — ) Mary enters through the curtain, into the spot. She takes an attractive picture pose, zvhich she holds for a moment, zifhile the orchestra completes the introduction. {He sings the chorus of "Mary" once through, she mean- zvhile executing a fezv dainty little dance steps, and timing this so that she gets hack to center, ready for quick exit, just before the finish. For finish she resumes original pose, zvhich She holds a moment, zuhile orchestra holds final note of chorus. Then she exits quickly through curtain. Lights up.) The Mx\n (recites). I know you like Mary, for she is the kind Who can put your head in a whirl. I have sung you the song of an old-fashioned name ; Now I'll show you an old-fashioned girl. (He steps aside and points tozvard center, stage is dark- ened, pink spot is throzvn on center^ and orchestra plays chord as before.) Annie enters through curtain into spot, holds old-fash- ioned pose for a moment, then he steps forzuard gallantly and takes the tip of her hand and escorts her to footlights. THE Fl^N REVUK 47 {They waltz to the cJiorus 'of ''Little Annie Rooncy," while he sings the zvords. They should do the straight old- fashioned limit::, zvith no fancy or modern steps; their posi- tions may be somewhat stiff, to get a slightly humorous effect, hut the dance should not be burlesqued. He brings her back to center at finish, where he releases her hand and steps azvay, and she takes her first pose, smiling demurely at hint, wliile orchestra holds final note. She exits quickly through curtain. Lights up.) The Man (recites). We're all fond of Annie, the old-fashioned girl, With manner demure and sedate. But now, by your leave, we will bring into view A type that is more up to date. (Lights, introductory music and business as before.) Peggy enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and holds pose. (He sings the chorus while she executes a dance, whicJi should be more pretentious than that of Mary. She poses and exits in same manner as the others. Lights up.) The Man (recites). The modern girl is full of pep ; She's always sure to please. We've seen the kind we have at home. Now let's look overseas. (Music and business. Dim orange stage lights; wJiitc spot.) Cherie enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and poses. He then advances briskly to her and they do a spectacular fox trot together, while he sings the chorus. He steps aside as she poses and exits at close of song. The Man (recites). They're lovely and charming, though some may be vain, Those mademoiselles from dear France. But if you will come with me down into Spain I'll show you the kind that can dance. (Music and business. Dim red stage lights; zvhite spot.) 48 TflE FUN REVUE Carmen enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and poses. She then executes a charactertistic Spanish dance, with castanets or tarnbourine, while he sings the chorus of ''Car- men, She Was Absolutely Charmin'f He steps aside and she poses and exits at finish. The Man {recites). We haven't time for May or Flo Or Genevieve or Trixy, But no revue would be complete Without a girl from Dixie. (Mnsic and business. Red, zvhite and blue stage lights, dim; zvhite spot.) Virginia enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and poses. While he sings the chorus of "Virginia Lee," she dances tJie schottische. On the last line of the chorus he takes center, holds out his hands to her and she comes to him, shyly and smilingly, and places her hands in his. To- gether they pose the final picture, and both exeunt quickly through curtoAn. Lights all up. {For encore: Music, one chorus of "Virginia Lee." Lights all up. The Man enters through center of curtain, singing chorus. Mary, singing, follozvs him in. He takes Jier hand as she comes through, and gracefully directs her to go right. Annie, singing, enters in the same zvay, and he escorts her tozuard the left. Then comes Peggy, whom he guides farther right than Mary; then Cherie, farther left than Annie^ Carmen, to extreme right, and Virginia, to extreme left. Each girl joins in singing as she enters. W^hen Virginia comes on he accompanies her to extreme left, and all exit, in closely formed line, right. Carmen first and The Man last. This must be timed so that entrances zvill be equally spaced, and exit is finished just as chorus ends, and the curtain is raised to reveal — ) THE FUN REVUE 49 Part Five THE BOOTLEGGER'S BRIDE Scene: Drawing room or ball room, full stage. Large arched entrance center, and doors right and left. A piano dozvn extreme left. A small table dozvn extreme right. A fezv chairs, and decorations ad lib. The stage shoidd be as clear as possible to allozv for freedom of action, zvith just cnougJi furniture and decorations to make it appear properly dressed. Lights. Up full. Music. Soft, dreamy zi^altz for rise. The curtain against zvhich Part IV zvas given is raised, or drazvn apart, revealing Marie flitting daintily about, K'altzing to the music and dusting the furniture zvith a feather duster. After a moment Mose enters deliberately, from right. He is eating from a dish of ice cream zvhich lie has in his hand, and this takes his entire attention. Marie (noticing him). Oo, la-la! (Music stops.) Is ze big black man preepared for ze wedding? Mose. Lady, Ah is a butler what has buttled fo' de best famblies, an' mah middle cognomen is preeparedness. Ah is preepared fo' anything. (Eats.) Marie. But eez eet not sad? For Mees Polly to wed ze homely Meestair Cashbonds, when her heart eet break for love wiz handsome Meestair Hallroom? Mose. Mam'selle, mah job am to buttle wid neatness an' dispatch, not to interrogate into de whichness of de what. (Eats.) Marie. But ees not love wondairful, and marriage a tragedy ? Mose. Gal, you said consid'able. Ah been married mah- self, an' believe me, too much is plenty. (Eats.) Marie. Men ! Black an' white, zey all ze same. Al- ways zey sink of nossing but ze stomach! (Pettishly.) Pourquois you no bring me ze glace, aussi? 50 THE FUN REVUE MosE. Poorqaw Ah don't fetch you no grub? (Eats.) Well, Ah ain't got enough to pass around, so Ah guess Ah'll keep it all fo' mahself. (Music, introduction.) (MosE puts dish on tabic and advances to footlights.) Marie (scornfidly). Poo-poo for you! (Shrugs, and exits right.) Solo by Mose: "I Ain't Got Enough to Pass Around." After song there is a loud knocking off center, and Marie enters from right. Marie (to Mose). Somebody ees knocking. Do you not hear? Mose. Ah never was to a weddin' in mah life where Ah didn't hear a lot of knockin'. (Exits through center door to admit guests. Marie takes dish from table and exits right. ) Music, the chorus of any lively fox trot. Dolly and Will, Molly and Tom, May and Dick, Fay and Jim, fol- lowed by other Guests, enter in couples, through center door, dancing in ballroom style. They enter as rapidly as possible, each couple continuing dancing until all are on stage. Repeat chorus as often as necessary, but tzvice through should be enough to bring them all on. Music stops at end of chorus after all are on. Will. Well, here we are, all ready for the wedding! Dolly. Yes, and I'm just dying to see the bride. Molly. Oh, isn't it simply wonderful to be a bride ! May. But I don't think Polly really loves Mr. Cashbonds. Fay. Of course not, silly. How could anyone love himf He's perfectly awful ! Tom. Then why is she marrying him? Molly. Why he's fabulously rich. Don't you know that ? Tom. Since when? Molly. Just lately. Tom. How did he get rich so quick? Molly (mysteriously, putting finger to lips). S-s-h ! (All lean forward eagerly.) They call her the bootlegger's bride! THE FUN REVUE 51 {The other girls exclaim, "Oh, isn't that awful!" "How perfectly terrible T "HorrihleT etc.) Dick. I always thought that Harry Hallroom was the man she really loved. May. That's right. They're perfectly crazy about each other. Dick. Poor Harry. Well, I guess it can't be helped. How about having a little serenade for the bride, while we're waiting? Song by Quartet: "Croonin' Neath the Cotton-Pickin' Moon/' (During the specialty, the guests are grouped informally about the room-, with interest centered on the quartet sing- ers, who arc at the piano; at finish — ) Cashbonds enters pompously through center door. All are polite but chilly to him. Cashbonds. Well, folks, I see you're all here, waitin' for the weddin'. Howdy do, everybody? All (distantly). Good evening, Mr. Cashbonds. Cashbonds. Where's the bride? Dolly. The bride doesn't generally appear before the wedding, Mr. Cashbonds. Cashbonds. Oh, she don't, hey? Well, she ought to. Ain't every girl that gets the honor of being the bride of Cuthbert Cashbonds. Molly (aside). Isn't he terrible! (Other girls nod assent.) Cashbonds. I s'pose she's nervous. Just like a woman. Weddin's don't excite me ; not even my own. (As he starts this speech he comes dozim to footlights and delivers it in regidar monologue style. The guests, in couples, gradually wander off the stage, using all three exits.) I was to a weddin' the other night. Friend of mine gettin' married. It was his second offense. He lost his first wife — in a crowd. He never went back to look for her. The bride had been married before, too. Three times ; once for love an' twice for general housework. It was a big party. I 52 THE FUN REVUE mean the bride was a big- party. She weighed two hundred and ninety-six pounds ; four pounds less than a horse. I was the best man. They wanted to have me give the bride away. I refused. Of course, I could have given her away; but I kept my mouth shut. It's only rich guys like me that can get married nowadays. It's pretty tough to have to pay forty cents for a pound of steak. And if you pay twenty, it's tougher yet. And the houses they build now- adays ain't no good. They built an apartment house over in {nearby tozvn) that was such a bum piece of work that the tenants wouldn't pay their rent. The building settled, but nobody else would. The plaster all fell off the ceilings. The only thing that stayed up was the rent. (Looks around.) Well, if they ain't all went and left me! I'll look around and see if I can't sell somebody a quart. (Exit left.) Bell rings off center. Marie enters right and crosses to center door, zvhere she meets Harry. Marie. Meestair Harry Hallroom ! Why do you come here now? Harry. I want to see Miss Polly, Marie. Tell her I have come to say goodbye. Marie. I do not know eef she can come Harry. Just tell her I'm here. I'll wait. Marie. Oui, M'sieur. (She curtseys and exits center door.) (Harry takes a photograph from his pocket and gaizes at it, then half -sits on edge of table. Stage dark; white spot on Harry.) Solo by Harry : ''The Sunbeam and the Moonbeam." (He sings the first verse and chorus. The chorus is re- peated, Harry remaining silent, and Polly singing off stage. Her voice grows louder as she approaches, and she enters througli center door as she sings the zvords, "And love was born that Sunday morn." Harry listens in rapt attention when he hears her sing. He approaches door, the spot fol- lowing him so that it is full on door, with Harry at the THE FUN REVUE 53 side, as Polly enters. They sing the second verse in dia- logue form, lie taking the first and third lines, and she the second and fourth. They sing tJie chorus together, either in harmony or unison. They should keep close together, to remain in spotlight. Both remain on stage at finish. Stage lights up full.) Polly. Why did you come here? It only means un- happiness for both of us. Harry. Didn't you want to even say goodbye? Polly. My heart is broken ! Harry. It is not too late ! Polly, how can you scorn my poor but honest love for the wealth of Cuthbert Cash- bonds, the bootlegger? (Music, very softly, "Soldier's FarczvelV or ''Hozv Can I Leave Thee'?") Polly. It is my parents' wish. You know I must wed him to save my father from ruin. Harry. Then I have no chance ? You no longer love me? Polly (sadly). I love you with all my heart. But there's not a chance. Harry (brokenly). Then — goodbye, forever ! (He kisses her Jiand, bozvijig lozv, and exits mournfully, center door. She dabs her handkerchief tO her eyes. This scene is to he worked for comedy, but play it melodramatically, with in- tense seriousness.) Folly (alone). Oh, dear me! (Wistfidly.) This being a bootlegger's bride isn't what it's cracked up to be. (Exits right. Music stops.) Enter Quartet from left. (Note that most of the dialog from here on is in ragtime verse. The lines should be spoken zvith very marked rhythm, except the prose passages.) Will. We're waiting for the wedding. Tom. The time is very near. Dick. I haven't seen the parson. Jim. I wonder if he's here? 54 THE FUN REVUE During these speeches Dolly, Molly, May and Fay enter from the left. Dolly. I saw the bride a while ago, Molly. And goodness, how she cried. May. I hardly think she wants to be A bootlegger's bride. Fay. a bootlegger's bride? Will. You say she really cried? Tom. It is a shame she has to be A bootlegger's bride. (Music, "Just Before the Battle, Mother/' loud and fast.) Preacher enters at center. Preacher (shouts). The ceremony now will start. So cease your silly prattle ! Dolly (shouts). What is the music that I hear? Will. It's "Just Before the Battle." Preacher (shouts to orchestra) . That song is wholly out of place ; Are you a lot of cattle? We want to hear the wedding march, Not '\Tnst Before the Battle." Music changes to Mendelssohn's Wedding March. Lights half down. Polly and Cashbonds enter tJirough center door, with wedding party. Preacher stands down stage, slightly right of center, facing half-left. Polly and Cashbonds come down to him, standing slightly left of center and facing half -right. Polly is at Cashbond^s left, thus being nearer the audience. Wedding party take appropriate positions, the whole group balancing dozvn center, and all persons partly facing audience. As principals enter center, chorus enters right and left and occupies sides and back of stage. Music stops. Lights up full. Preacher. O friends and feller citizens, The show will now begin. If anybody starts a fuss, You musn't let him in. THE FUN REVUE 55 Will. We musn't let him in? Preacher. You musn't let him in. Polly. Oh, dear, I feel so nervous. Cashbonds. I need a drink of gin! Preacher. Has anybody any kick Before the knot is tied? Cashbonds. Of course they ain't, so hurry up And hitch me to the bride. Loud crash off stage. Music, soft agitato. Wedding party separates, leai'ing center clear. All look in terror toiuard center door. Harry enters dramatically. Harry. Let me in ! I will see her, I tell you ! No power on earth can tear her from me. {Comes dozvn and faces Polly.) Ah, there you are, perfidious one! I meet you face to face ! Cashbonds. What does this mean? Harry. It means that the wedding- cannot go on ! You are the man who would blight my life, who ruined my ca- reer, who would steal the heart of the girl I love ! But she shall never become the bride of another! (Music stops.) Cashbonds. I think the man is crazy! Let's send for the police ! Harry. You call me crazy, do you? Preacher. Yes, let this nonsense cease ! (Plaintii'c music.) Harry. Ah, no one beHeves rie! You think Fm a rav- ing maniac. Well, maybe I am. If so, there (points to Polly) stands the woman who robbed me of my reason! Once we were happy — ver}^ happy. All was happiness and sunshine, and she was contented with my poor but honest love. And then — then this man (points to Cashbonds) came between us ! She was dazzled by his wealth. What chance had a penniless bricklayer against the blandishments of the leading bootlegger in (local) County? He show- ered her with diamonds — automobiles — all that wealth could buy. And she got too classy to go out with me in my sec- 56 THE FUN REVUE ond-hand flivver. {To Polly.) Well, what are you going to do about it? {Music stops.) Polly. Pve made a terrible mistake For I have been misled. You'd better beat it, Cuthbert (to Cashbonds), For here's the man I'll wed! {Points to Harry.) Cashbonds. I guess Pve lost the race. Harry. And I will take your place. Cashbonds. Well, I can lose a fight and keep A smile upon my face. {Joins Guests.) (Wedding party has re-formed, zmth Polly and Harry.) Preacher. As I was just about to say, When all the row began, Will you {to Polly) accept the ownership Of this, your lovin' man? Polly. Yes; he is simply grand! {Looks languishingly at Harry.) Preacher. Then take him by the hand. i\)LLY. I never cared for Cuthbert. Harry. Pm glad that he got canned. Preacher. Now, Harry, will you cherish Little Polly all your life? PIarry. You bet I will! Preaclier. The knot is tied. You now are man and wife! Finale by Principals and Full Chorus: ''Good-Bye, Ei'erybodyf' All {sing). Good-bye, everybody, we will see you soon ; Lots of fun to shine beneath the old stage moon. Here's our handi — You've been grand — We'd like to entertain you morning, night and noon ; Maybe some day some of you will be up here. With some of us down there applauding, too ; If such a thing comes true, We'll show you what we can do ; — We hope we've entertained you with our Fun Revue. Curtain. THE FUN REVUE S7 MUSIC FOR "THE FUN REVUE'' Denisoii music has been suggested, so far as practicable, in order to simplify the assembling. Where the music of another publisher is mentioned, the name of the publisher is given in parenthesis. We will make every effort to fur- nish all the music listed, at prices quoted ; but we reserve the right, in filling orders, to substitute other numbers of a suitable nature when necessary. Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus and Finale Num- ber One (for opening chorus and finale) $ .75 "Your Little Girl" 30 ''Carmen, She Was Absolutely Charmin' " 30 "Hindu Man" 30 "Soon I'll Be the Czar of Zanzibar" 30 "Mary, You're the Sweetest Girl I Know" (F. B. Haviland Pub. Co.) 30 "Little Annie Rooney" (Oliver Ditson Co., Pub.) 30 "Peggy" (Leo Feist, Pub.) 30 "Cherie" (Leo Feist, Pub.) 30 "Virginia Lee" (Joe Morris Music Co., Pub.) 30 "I Ain't Got Enough to Pass Around" 30 "Croonin' Neath the Cotton-Pickin' Moon" 30 "The Sunbeam and the Moonbeam" 30 "Golden Book of Favorite Songs" (containing "Sail- ing," p. 27; "Just Before the Battle, Mother," p. 2)7; "How Can I Leave Thee?" p. 44) 15 Descriptive music folio (containing incidental music — oriental, hurry, pathetic, etc.) 1.25 The above prices are net, postpaid. T. S. Denison & Company Dramatic Publishers 623 South Wabash Ave. CHICAGO A Royal Cut-Up KY Geoffrey F. Morgan A MUSICAL COMEDY in 2 acts; 10 principals (7 males, 3 females) and a chorus of any size. PRINCIPAL CHAPvACTERS. Hittemup King of Hocus-Po Tutti-Frutti His Cliamberlain Jack Hastings A High School Student Tom and Harry His Friends Wallflower A Public Menace Phlox An Escaped Slave Princess Poppy The King's Daughter Rose Her Friend Duchess Bazaza Mistress of Etiquette Students, Flower Fairiep, Messengers, Guards, etc. Colleges and high schools wishing to stage "a reg- ular musical show" will find A ROYAL CUT-UP ex- actly suited to their needs. It portrays the adventures of a group of botany students lost in the enchanted land of Hocus-Po, where they meet a jovial king who has been robbed of the royal, treasure but still keeps a stiff upper lip. They devise an ingenious ruse where- by tlie thief betrays himself in ludicrous fashion, the kingdom is saved, and the princess is spared a love- less marriage to find happiness with Jack. The fairy- land setting gives big opportunity for effective cos- tumes, while the staging presents no difficulty. No music is included in the book, but places are indicated for introducing 10 to 20 popular songs, with plenty of drills and dancing. Includes full descriptions of char- acters, costumes and staging, with unusually com- plete directions for conducting rehearsals. Brisk and breezy lines, rich in snappy comedy of dialogue and situation, and allowing for plenty of local quips. Price, 35 Cents. T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO In Hot Tamale Land BY Geoffrey F, Morgan A MUSICAL COMEDY in 2 acts; 10 principals (6 males, 4 females) and a chorus of any size. PRINCIPAL. CHARACTERS. Ezra McWhackle An American Pickle King Bobby Hunter Honest, Though Poor Ned and Dick His Two Chums Don Soda Di Poppo Ruler of Hot Tamale Land Punko Doro Agent of Bullfighters' Union Eleanor Ezra's Charming Daughter Agatha Fidget Chaperoning Eleanor Dolores Daughter of the Don Juanita A Shy Senorita Sefioritas, Toreadors, American Girls and Boys, Amer- ican Bluejackets, Herald, etc. This musical comedy is ideal for college and high school production, having no elaborate stage require- ments, though scenery and costumes may be as lavish as desired, and it can be made a thoroughly preten- tious offering. The scene is laid in an imaginary country in the tropics, where raising pickles is the nation's business and attending bull fights is the nation's pastime. Bobby must earn $10,000 before Eleanor's father will consent to her marrying him. The bullfighters' union calls a strike, and Bobby vol- unteers as a strike breaker. His friends' efforts to bolster his waning courage, the walking delegate's threats of vengeance, Bobby's study of the science from a bullfighting manual — these are just a few of the ridiculous complications which combine to make IN HOT TAMALE LAND two hours of solid laughter. No music is included with the book, but there is pro- vision for introducing solos, ensemble numbers, dances and drills, to be chosen by the director. Has been produced with great success. Requires but one stage setting. Contains detailed directions for staging. Price, 35 Cents. T. S. Deiiison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO Betty's Last Bet BY Edith Ellis A FARCE-COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females. Time, 2i/^ hours. Scene: 1 interior. CHARACTERS. Mrs. Darling With Four Great Problems Kitty Her Eldest Daughter Peggy Her Second Dolly Her Third Betty Her Fourth Hannah A Man-hating Servant Richard Wentworth Their Wealthy Neighbor Percy Wentworth His Nephew and Ward Jack Van Loon Of the Historic Van Loons Hamilton Moriarity A Rising Young Legislator Edgar Darling A Student of Archaeology Betty's propensity for wagering keeps her in hot W£^ter, and her mother and sisters, too. Mrs. Darling is struggling bravely to promote matches for the other girls when Betty, expelled from boarding school, re- turns home disgraced but unabashed. And straight- way she makes her last bet — and her greatest one — with a likeable but unintroduced young man. He wa- gers that he can successfully impersonate a distant cousin, and get all the sisters engaged within twenty- four hours. Three kisses are the stakes. Betty's last bet incites an amazing train of complications, and when she loses the bet, she loses her heart as well. This author has a fine record of professional stage successes to her credit, and BETTY'S LAST BET is built from the same rich fund of lines and situations. Professional siagp. rights reserved ajid a royalty of twenty dollars required for amateur performance . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents T. S, Denison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO Fifty-Fifty BY Frederick G. Johnson A FARCE of love, luck and laughter in 3 acts, by the author of "Mary's Millions"; 5 males, 5 fe- males. Time, 2^ hours. Scenes: 2 interiors, an attic studio and a bungalow. CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY. Henry Brown An Artist Paul Green An Author Patrick O'Malley A Janitor Smudge A Valet Cap' A Wanderer Mrs, Podge A Landlady Sophie Bland A Dancer May Dexter -. An Enthusiast Mrs. Hawley A Collector Josephine A Seeker If there be a moral to this merry comedy of compli- cations, it is that it is possible to get too much of a good thing. Paul and Henry are struggling to achieve fame and bread-and-butter money in literature and art. Utter failure is their lot until one of Henry's paintings, accidentally displayed upside down, is enthu- siastically purchased by an art collector, and the "im- pressionistic painter" becomes the talk of the town. Paul, following the hunch, writes his stories backward, and success follows swiftly. But some innocent fibs, told for reasons of necessity, reach the newspapers, and the pals iind themselves headed straight for trouble. Their love affairs go awry, and in the pre- dicaments which follow as a result of their propensity for spinning yarns, they find success an empty thing. A woman who claims to be Paul's wife, an elusive van- ishing painting, a mysterious sea-faring man. a med- dhng landlady, all contribute to the mixup. Of course it all comes out happily. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents T. S. Deiiison & Company, Publishers 6 23 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO Mary's Millions BY Frederick G. Johnson A RURAL COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females, extras optional. Time, 2 hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 1 exterior. CHARACTERS. Jack Henderson A Civil Engineer Jimmie Barnes His Friend from New York Ezra Stoneham The Village Storekeeper Abija Boggs A Human Flivver Victor de Selles An Imported Product Jane Stoneham Ezra's Better Hair Eudora Smith The Stoneham's Hired Girl Lola de Selles Victor's Sister Mrs. Mudge Wedded to Her Ouija Board Betty Barlow A Country School Teacher Mary Manners An Heiress to Millions Member's of the Choir. "When T go after a side partner, she's going to be a live-wire lady. No corn-fed beauties for mine." "Say — honest — is there anybody in tliis one-horse town that has a million dollars?" "I've read books, I have, about them slick rascals from the city." "Waitin' for the mail? Looks more like waitin' for the female." "More city folks, I'll bet a doughnut." "I believe in sperrits, but I ain't seen none sense the country went dry." "Stop scratchin'! Ain't you got no company manners?" "He looks like a head waiter and he talks like a bottle of seltzer." "All foreign wild ani- mals looks alike to me." "The greatest doin's since the mill dam busted." "What's been swiped an' who done it?" "Any clues? No. all genuine pearls." "She has chain lightning slowed down like the rural free delivery." "I foller the deeductive method. I don't take no clues off no Fiji board!" "Boy, I sure do hate to take you, but I reckon I got to." "Funny what a difference just a few millions make." "The third degree trimmed with hayseed." "Eudory, you say the durndest things!" Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur performance . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO DENISON'S MINSTREL OPENING CHORUSES AND FINALES By JEFF BRANEN Something new. A boon, especially to amateurs. Assure the success of your minstrel performance. Get your audience in a friendly mood, tingling- with the warm glow of pleasure, from the opening curtain. Get away to a flying start and make a whirlwind finish, and your show will be pro- nounced a success, even though there may be some rough spots in between. Provide a relish at the beginning, make your inter- vening acts as good as your individual talent will permit and then leave your audience with a good taste in their mouths. Denison's Minstrel Opening Choruses and Finales are for the purpose of creating good first and last impressions. As such they are made to order and are as good as professionals ever used. No more will you have to follow the practice of relying for this all important work upon a novice wlio probably will tlirow together some stale choruses and call it an opening and perhaps may ask you to close with a simple song which means nothing. Each Opening Chorus and Finale tells an original and interesting story and will instantly thaw the chilliest audience. Laughable, ar- tistic and in excellent taste. The finale of each chorus is a witty "thank you," NOW READY Number One For Blackface Minstrels Number Two For Whiteface Minstrels Number Three For Female Minstrels Number Four For Legion Minstrels Piano Score, Words and Music. Price, Each Number, Postpaid, 75 Cents. Supplementing the vocal score, a special orchestration is fur- nished for each Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus and Finale. It provides for eleven instruments including effective saxophone obbligatos, the latter being the final word in arrangements of this kind. The cost of the orchestration is extra, but is trivial compared with the expense of employing a local or special arranger. Eleven-Instrument Orchestration {No sets broken). Price, Each Number, Postpaid, $1.50 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue, CHICAGO Son^ Numbers for Your Show Make a program of live wire hits Complying with a demand for a series of musical numbers whicli are well adapted for interpolation in musical comedies, revues and minstrel shows, the pub- lishers are bringing out the following carefully selected songs, ideally suited to this purpose, for which they were especially written. CARMEN, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARMIN'. — A novelty comic number with very raggy treatment of characteristic Spanish music. Splendid for ensemble as well as for solo. Price, 30 Cents. CROONIN' NEATH THE COTTON -PICKI N' MOON. —A beautiful southern serenade, rich in mellow chords and close harmony; excellent for musical comedy or minstrel; includes male quartet arrangement. Price, 30 Cents. HINDU MAN. — A cleverly worded and gorgeously harmonized oriental number that carries the weird spell of mystic India in both lyric and melody. An unrivalled production number. Price, 30 Cents. GOOD NIGHT, DEAR NIGHT.— An out-of-the-or- dinary ballad, characterized as a semi-classic, with piano accompaniment of unusual beauty. Worthy of feature position in any concert. Price, 30 Cents. I AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO PASS AROUND.— An irresistibly funny foon song, with a blue-y accompani- ment. Every bit as good as "Constantly" and "Some- body Lied," by the same writer. Price, 30 Cents. OSHKOSH, B'GOSH! — A "hey rube" novelty number that is crowded with wit and unexpected twists in the lyric. Characteristic .iosh music that takes you right back to the farm, by heck! Price, 30 Cents. SOON I'LL BE THE CZAR OF ZANZI B AR.— Dan McGrover was a rover in liis motor car. The letter that he wrote to McClusky from far off Zanzibar inti- mated that he was sitting on the world. A speedy number that is good for a hit. Price, 30 Cents. THE SUNBEAM AND THE MOONBEAM. — A charming ballad with a novel idea charmingly ex- pressed, and a melody with a haunting quality. In- cludes arrangements for male and mixed quartets. Price, 30 Cents. YOUR LITTLE GIRL.— An appealing ballad, har- monized in catchy, syncopated tempo. Excellent solo numl:)er, especially for mixed or female minstrels. In- cludes special chorus arrangements for male and mixed quartets. Price, 30 Cents. T, S, Denison & Company, Publishers 623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Cataloeue Free FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. Price 25 Cents Each M. F. All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 min 1 2 Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 35 min 11 Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 Borrovled Luncheon. 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 Hans \'on Smash, 30 mi ',..43 Honest Peggy, 25 min 8 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 Just Like a Woman, 35 min. ..33 Last Rehearsal, 25 min 2 3 Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 5 Pat's Matrimonial \'enture, 25 min 1 2 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min 9 Shadows, 35 min 3 4 Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 min 7 3 Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 min 3 6 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of , Spades, 40 min 3 6 Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 Who's the Boss? 30 min 3 6 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. Price 15 Cents Each April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Before the Play Begins, 15 min 2 1 Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that "Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 M. F. Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES Price 25 Cents Each Amateur, 15 min 1 1 At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2.1 tier Hero, 20 min 1 1 Hev, Rube ! 1 5 min 1 It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 Si and I, 15 min 1 Special Sale, 15 min 2 Street Faker, 15 min 3 Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 Sunnv Son of Italv, 15 min.. 1 Time'Tal)le, 20 min 1 1 Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min., 1 Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 Umbrella INTender, IS min 2 Vait a Minute 2 BLACK-FACE PLAYS Price 25 Cents Each Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 min 10 Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 Good Mornin' Judee, 35 min.. 9 2 Hungrv, 1 5 min 2 Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 What Happened to Hannah, 15 min 1 1 A great number of Standard and Amateur PSays not found here are listed In Denison's Catalogue T. S. DENKSON & CO MP ANY, Publishers, 623 S.Wabash Ave. .Chicago 1—1221 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Denison's Acti 021 929 Our list comprises hundreds of titles — comedies, dramas, farces, vaudeville sketches, musical comedies and revues, minstrel material, little theatre playlets, etc. All shades of sentiment are rep- resented, and all varieties of talent, number of characters and time required in presentation are provided for in this list. Denison's Acting Plays contain detailed description of stage business, characters, costumes, settings, and full instructions for staging. Popular Entertainment Books In this series are books touching every feature in the entertainment field; Dialogues for all ages, Speakers, Reci- tations, Monologues, Drills, Entertain- ments, suitable for all occasions; hand- books for home, school and church, etc. Over sixty titles, each written by a specialist in his given line. The books are finely made, clear print, good paper, and each has a most attractive, individ- ual cover design. One of the best and most complete entertainment series published. Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue T. S. Denison& Company, Publishers 623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO