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WELL YOU HOARY -HEADED IMPOSTOR, WHAT WOULD 
 YOUKS BE?" 
 
THE UNEXPECTED GUESTS 
 B 3farce 
 
 / X 39*'' 
 
 W. D. HOWELLS 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 y/6?7t/ 
 
 NEW YORK 
 HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 
 
 1893 
 
Harper's "Black and White" Series. 
 
 Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, 50 cents each. 
 
 The Unexpected Guests. A 
 
 Farce. By William Dean 
 
 HoweUs. 
 The Decision of the Court. 
 
 A Comedy. By Brander Mat- 
 thews. 
 George William Curtis. By 
 
 John White Chadvvick. 
 Slavery AND thbSlaveTrapb 
 
 IN Africa. By Henry M. 
 
 Stanley. 
 The Rivals. By Francois 
 
 Coppee. 
 The Japanese Beide. By 
 
 Naomi Tamiira. 
 Whittikr : Notes of his Life 
 
 AND OF HIS Friendships. By 
 
 Annie Fields. 
 Giles Corey, Yeoman. By 
 
 Marv E. Wilkins. 
 
 Coffee and Repartee. By 
 John Kendrick Bangs. 
 
 James Russell Lowell. An 
 Address. By George William 
 
 Curtis. 
 
 Seen from the Saddle. By 
 Isa Carrington Cabell. 
 
 A Family Canoe Trip. By 
 Florence Watters Snedeker. 
 
 A Little Swiss Sojourn. By 
 William Dean HoweUs. 
 
 A Letter of Introduction. 
 
 A Farce. By William Dean 
 
 Howells. 
 In the Vestibule Limited. 
 
 By Brander Matthews. 
 
 The Albany Depot. A Farce. 
 By William Dean Howells. 
 
 Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 
 
 For sale by all booksellers, or luill be sent by the publishers, 
 postage prepaid, on receipt of price. 
 
 Copyright, 1893, by W. D. Howells. 
 
 All rights reser'c'ed. 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 "well, you hoary-headed impostor, 
 
 WHAT WOULD YOURS BE?" .... Frontispiece 
 "oh, AUNT MARY !" Facespage lo 
 
 "what in THE WORLD IS IT, AMY?" .... l8 
 
 "i'm so GLAD TO SEE YOU!" 24 
 
 "oh, I DARE SAY HE WONT MIND." 42 
 
 "yes, QUAILS'." 50 
 
THE UNEXPECTED GUESTS 
 
 FARCE 
 
 MRS. WILLIS CAMPBELL'S DRAWING-ROOM 
 
 I 
 
 MRS. CAMPBELL, CAMPBELL, DR. LAWTON 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Then truth, as I under- 
 stand you, Mrs. Campbell, is a female 
 virtue." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " It is one of them." 
 Dr. Lawton : " Oh ! You have sev- 
 eral ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Legions, Dr. Lawton." 
 Dr. Lawton : " What do you do with 
 them all ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, we just keep 
 them. You may be sure we don't waste 
 them on ?nen. What would be the use, 
 for instance, of always telling Willis the 
 truth ? He wouldn't believe it, to begin 
 with." 
 
Campbell : " You had better try me 
 once, Amy. My impression is that it's 
 the other thing I can't get away with. 
 And yet I'm a great deal more accus- 
 tomed to it !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " That is neither here 
 nor there. But what I say, and what I 
 insist, is that the conventional lies that 
 people tell are just as much lies as any 
 — just as wicked, and altogether unneces- 
 sary. Why should I send word to the 
 door that I'm not at home, or that I'm 
 engaged, when I'm not, merely to get out 
 of seeing a person ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Because you are such a liar, 
 my love." 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " No ! Excuse me, Camp- 
 bell ! I don't wish to intercept any little 
 endearments, but really I think that in 
 this case Mrs. Campbell's sacrifice of the 
 truth is a piece of altruism. She knows 
 how it is herself ; she wouldn't like to be 
 in the place of the person she wants to 
 get out of seeing. So she sends word 
 that she is not at home, or that she's en- 
 gaged." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Of course I do. Wil- 
 
lis's idea of truth would be to send word 
 that he didn't want to see them." 
 
 Dr. Lawton, laughing : " I haven't the 
 least doubt of it." 
 
 Campbell. "Well, you hoary- headed 
 impostor, what would yours be }" 
 
 Dr. Lawton: "Mine.?- I have none! 
 I have been a general practitioner for 
 forty years. But what time did you ask 
 me for, Mrs. Campbell .?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : "Seven. I don't see 
 what's keeping them all." 
 
 Campbell : " The women are not com- 
 ing." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : "Why?" 
 
 Campbell : " Because they said they 
 were. Truth is a female virtue." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I must say, I don't 
 see why they're so late. I can't under- 
 stand, when every woman knows the anx- 
 iety of a hostess, how any one can be 
 late. It's very heartless, I think." Mrs. 
 Campbell is in dinner dress ; she remains 
 tranquilly seated on the sofa while she 
 speaks, but the movement of her alter- 
 nately folded and expanded fan betrays 
 the agitation of her spirits. Dr. Lawton, 
 
lounging at large ease in a low chair, re- 
 gards her with a mixture of admiration 
 and scientific interest. Her husband walks 
 up and down with a surcharge of nervous 
 energy which the husband of a dinner- 
 giver naturally expends when the guests 
 are a little late. 
 
 Campbell : " They will probably come 
 in a lump — if they come at all. Don't be 
 discouraged, Amy. If they don't come, I 
 shall be hungry enough, by-and-by, to eat 
 the whole dinner myself." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : "That is a man's idea; 
 you think that the great thing about a 
 dinner is to get it eaten." 
 
 Dr. Lawton: "Oh, not all of us, Mrs. 
 Campbell !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Well, I will except 
 you, Dr. Lawton." 
 
 Campbell : " And what is a woman's 
 idea of a dinner, I should like to know Y' 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " To get it over." 
 
 Campbell : " In this instance, then, I 
 think you're going to fail. I see no pros- 
 pect of your getting it over. The people 
 are not coming. I guess you wrote Thurs- 
 day when you meant Tuesday; didn't 
 
you, Amy ? Your Tuesdays always look 
 like Thursdays, anyway." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Now, Willis, if you 
 begin your teasing !" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, what I want you to 
 do is to tell them what you really think 
 of them when they do come. I don't 
 want any hollow-hearted pretence that it 
 isn't at all late, and that you did not ex- 
 pect them before, and all that kind of 
 thing. You just say, Ves, you are rather 
 behiJid time; and, No, I didnt write half- 
 past seven ; I wrote seven. With all your 
 devotion to truth, I'll bet you wouldn't 
 dare to speak it once." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " What will you bet } 
 Come, now ! Dr. Lawton will hold the 
 stakes." 
 
 Campbell : " Ah, / should have to pay, 
 whichever lost, and Lawton would pocket 
 the stakes." 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Try me !" 
 
 Campbell : " I'd rather not. It would 
 be too expensive." A ring is heard ; and 
 then voices below and on the stairs. 
 " The spell is broken ! I hear the sten- 
 torian tones of my sister Agnes." 
 
Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, it is Agnes ; and 
 now they'll all come." She runs out to 
 the space at the top of the stairs which 
 forms a sort of passageway between the 
 drawing-room and library. " Oh, Agnes I 
 I'm so glad to see you ! And Mr. Rob- 
 erts !" She says this without, and the 
 shock of kisses penetrates to the drawing- 
 room, where Campbell and Dr. Lawton 
 remain. 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, without: "Amy, I'm 
 quite ashamed of myself! I'm afraid 
 we're late. I think Edward's watch must 
 be slow." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, without ; " Not at all ! 
 I don't believe it's seven yet. I've only 
 just got into my gown." 
 
 Campbell : " It is a female virtue. Doc- 
 tor!" 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Oh, there's no doubt of 
 its sex." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, without: "You'll find 
 Willis in the drawing-room with Dr. 
 Lawton, Mr. Roberts." 
 
ROBERTS, CAMPBELL, DR. LAWTON 
 
 Campbell, as Roberts meekly appears: 
 "Hello, Roberts? You're late, old fel- 
 low. You ought to start Agnes dressing 
 just after lunch." 
 
 Roberts : " No, I'm afraid it's my fault. 
 How do you do, Dr. Lawton ? I think 
 my watch is losing time." 
 
 Campbell : " You didn't come your old 
 dodge of stealing a garroter's watch on 
 your way through the Common.? That 
 was a tremendous exploit of yours, Rob- 
 erts." 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " And you were at your 
 best that night, Campbell. For a little 
 while I wasn't sure but truth was a boy." 
 
 Campbell : " I don't believe old Bemis 
 has quite forgiven Roberts to this day. 
 By-the-way, Bemis is late, too. Wouldn't 
 have helped much to grab his watch to- 
 night, Roberts. Hold on ! That's his 
 
voice, now !" As Mr. Bemis enters : 
 " Good-evening, Mr. Bemis. Roberts and 
 I were just talking of that night when 
 you tried to garrote him in the Common, 
 and he got away with your watch." 
 
 i 
 
Ill 
 
 MR. BEMIS AND THE OTHERS 
 
 Mr. Bemis, reluctantly : " Oh ! very- 
 good. Ha, ha, ha !" 
 
 Roberts, cringingly : " Ha, ha, ha ! 
 Capital !" 
 
 Mr. Bemis : " Talking of watches, I 
 hope I'm not late." 
 
 Campbell : " About half an hour." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, re-entering and giving 
 her hand : " Don't believe a word of it, 
 Mr. Bemis. You're just in time. Why, 
 even Aunt Mary is not here yet !" 
 
 Aunt Mary Crashaw, without : " Yes, I 
 am, my dear — half-way up your ridicu- 
 lous stairs." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : '• Oh, Aunt Mary !" 
 She runs out to meet her. 
 
 Campbell, to Dr. Lawton : " You see ! 
 she can't tell the truth even by acci- 
 dent." 
 
Roberts : " What in the world do you 
 mean, Willis?" 
 
 Campbell : " 'Sh ! It's a bet." To Mrs. 
 Crashaw, coming in with his wife : " You 
 are pretty well blown, Aunt Mary." 
 
" OH, AUNT MARYI' 
 
IV 
 
 MRS. CRASHAW, MRS, CAMPBELL, AND THE 
 OTHERS 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " Blown ? I wonder I'm 
 alive to reproach Amy for these stairs. 
 Why don't you live in a flat.'*" 
 
 Campbell : " I am going to put in an 
 elevator here, and you can get stuck in 
 it." 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " I dare say I shall, if 
 yoti put it in. What a frightful experi- 
 ence ! I shall never forget that night. 
 How d'ye do, Edward ?" She shakes hands 
 with Roberts and Mr. Bemis. " How do 
 you do, Mr. Bemis .^ I ^now how Dr. 
 Lawton does, without asking." 
 
 Dr. Lawton, gallantly : " All the better 
 for—" 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw: '' Doiit say, for seeing 
 me ! We may be chestnuts, doctor, but 
 we needn't speak them." To Mrs. Camp- 
 bell : " Are you going to have the whole 
 elevator company, as usual ?" 
 
Mrs. Campbell : " Yes — all but Mr. and 
 Mrs. Miller. I asked them, but they had 
 an engagement." 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " So much the worse for 
 them. Mrs. Curvven will be very much 
 disappointed not to see — Mrs. Miller." 
 The men laugh. She shakes her fan at 
 them. " You ought to be ashamed to 
 provoke me to say such things. Well, 
 now, since I'm here, I wish the others 
 would come. I'm rather hungry, and it's 
 late, isn't it ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Not at all ! I don't 
 see why you all think it's late. I'm sure 
 it's very early. Ah, Mrs. Curwen !" She 
 advances upon this lady, who enters with 
 her husband behind her. " So glad you 
 could come. And Mr. Curwen ! I didn't 
 hear you coming !" 
 
MR. AND MRS. CURWEN AND THE OTHERS 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " That proves you didn't 
 eavesdrop at the head of the stairs, my 
 dear. We were quarrelHng all the way 
 up to this threshold. After I'd answered 
 it, I mislaid your invitation, and Mr. Cur- 
 wen was sure we were asked for Wednes- 
 day. But I knew better. As it is, I'm 
 afraid we're rather late." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, forcing a laugh : " We 
 rarely sit down before eight. Oh, Mrs. 
 Bemis ! How do you do, Mr. Bemis !" 
 She greets young Mr. and Mrs. Bemis 
 with effusion, as they come in with an air 
 of haste. 
 
VI 
 
 YOUNG MR. AND MRS. BEMIS AND THE 
 OTHERS 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : " Oh, I know we're fright- 
 fully late !" 
 
 Bemis : " Yes, it's quite shocking — " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Not at all ! Really, 
 I think it must be a conspiracy. Every- 
 body says they are late, and I don't know 
 why." 
 
 Campbell: "I do; but I don't like to 
 tell." 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Much safer, my dear 
 boy ! Much !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, ignoring this passage : 
 " If I should make you wait, just to show 
 you that it was early, I don't think it 
 would be more than you deserve." 
 
 Campbell : " Probably, if you did that. 
 Miss Reynolds would get here too soon." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes ; and she's usu- 
 ally so prompt." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : "I'm beginning to have 
 
the courage of my convictions, Mrs. Camp- 
 bell. Are you sure you didn't say half- 
 past ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "I'm sure I can't say. 
 Very likely I may have done so in your 
 note. But I don't see why we are so in- 
 flexible about dinner engagements. / 
 think we ought to give people at least 
 three-quarters of an hour's grace, instead 
 of that wretched fifteen minutes that 
 keeps everybody's heart in their mouth." 
 The door-bell sounds. "Ah! That's Miss 
 Reynold's ring, and — " 
 
 Campbell : " We are saved ! I was 
 afraid we were going to be thirteen at 
 table." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Thirteen! What do 
 you mean, Willis ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Why, one from twelve, you 
 know." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, yes." The others 
 laugh. 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Don't notice him, 
 Agnes. He's in one of his very worst 
 ways to-night." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " But I don't see what 
 the joke is !" 
 
Mrs. Campbell : " Neither do I, Agnes. 
 I—" 
 
 A Ghostly Voice, as of an asthmatic 
 spectre speaking through an imperfectly- 
 attached set of artificial teeth, makes itself 
 heard from the library : " Truth crushed 
 to earth will rise again. For God's eternal 
 years are hers — er— r — r — ck — ck — cr — cr 
 — cr — ee — ck — " 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " Good heavens, Willis, 
 what in the world is that ?" 
 
 The Voice : " This is the North Ameri- 
 ca Company's perfected phonograph, in- 
 vented by Thomas A. — cr — cr — cr — ee — 
 ee — ck — ck — ck — New Jersey. This cyl- 
 inder was — cr — cr — elocutionist — ee— ee 
 — ck — Cullen Bryant — Truth crushed 
 to — cr — cr — ck — ck — " 
 
 Campbell : " Don't be alarmed. Aunt 
 Mary. It's just a phonograph that I had 
 got in to amuse you after dinner. It 
 don't seem to be exactly in order. Per- 
 haps the cylinder's got dry, or Jim hasn't 
 got quite the right pressure on — " 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw: " Is Jim in there .^" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes ; Agnes has lent 
 him to us to-day. I adore boys, and 
 
Jim has been angelic the whole after- 
 noon." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, you're too good, 
 Amy !" 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " I don't wonder he's 
 been angelic, with a thing like that to 
 play with. I should be angelic myself. 
 Why can't we go and be amused with it 
 a little before dinner, Willis ?" 
 
 The Others, respectively : " Oh, yes. 
 Do. By all means. I never heard one 
 before. We really can't wait. Let us 
 hear it now, Mr. Campbell ! Do make 
 him, Mrs. Campbell." 
 
 Campbell: "Well, all right. I'll go 
 with you—" He stops, feeling himself 
 significantly clutched by the wrist, and 
 arrested in mid-career, by Mrs. Campbell. 
 " Or, Jim can show it off. It'll do him 
 so much good. I'll let Jim." The guests 
 follow one another out with cries of real 
 and simulated interest, and Campbell 
 turns to his wife : " What in the world is 
 it, Amy.>" 
 3 
 
VII 
 
 MR. AND MRS. CAMPBELL 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " What is it ? I shall 
 die, Willis !" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, speak first." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Something's happen- 
 ed to the dinner, I know. And I'm afraid 
 to go and see. The cook's so cross !" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, shall / go ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " And if you keep up 
 this teasing of yours, you'll simply kill 
 me." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, I won't, then. But 
 it's very lucky your guests are belated 
 too, Amy. Now, if you co7^/d get the 
 dinner on in about ten minutes, we should 
 be just right. But you've told them all 
 they were so early that they'll believe the 
 delay is all yours." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " They won't believe 
 anything of the kind ! They know bet- 
 ter. But I don't dare — " 
 
Jane, the waitress, appearing through 
 the portiere of the drawing-room : " Din- 
 ner is ready, Mrs. Campbell." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, well, then, do 
 get them started, Willis ! Don't forget, 
 it's young Mrs. Bemis you're to take down 
 —7iot Mrs. Curwen." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, no ! I sha'n't forget 
 that. I hope Mrs. Curwen won't. Hello ! 
 There's another ring. Who in the world 
 is that ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " 'Sh ! If that horrid, 
 squeaking phonograph — " 
 
 The Phonograph, from the library: 
 " Truth crushed to earth will — " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Good gracious ! I 
 can't hear a word. Hark ! It's Miss 
 Reynolds talking with some one in the 
 reception-room, and it sounds like — but 
 it can't be — no, it can't — it — it zj— yes ! 
 And that's his voice too, Willis ! What 
 does it mean.^ Am I losing my five 
 senses? Or am I simply going stark, 
 staring mad .?" 
 
 Campbell : " You don't say the Millers 
 have come .^" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "The Millers? No! 
 
Who cares anything about the Millers? 
 'Sh !" She listens. 
 
 Campbell, listening : " Why, it's the 
 Belforts !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " How can you dare 
 to say it, Willis } Of course it's the Bel- 
 forts. Hark !" She listens. 
 
 Campbell, listening: "But I thought 
 you said they declined, too." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " They did. It's some 
 frightful mystery. Be still, do, Willis !" 
 
 Campbell : " Why, I'm not making any 
 noise. It's the froufrou of that dress of 
 yours." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " It's your shirt bosom. 
 You always will have them so stiff ; and 
 you keep breathing so." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, well, if you don't want 
 me to breathe !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, desperately : " It doesn't 
 matter. It wouldn't help now if you never 
 breathed again. Don't joke, Willis ! I 
 can't bear it. If you do, I shall scream." 
 
 Campbell: "I wasn't going to joke. 
 It's too serious. What are you going to 
 do?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I don't know. We 
 
must do anything to keep them from find- 
 ing out that they weren't expected." 
 
 Campbell : " But how do you suppose 
 it's happened, Amy ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I don't know. They 
 meant to decline somewhere else and ac- 
 cept here, and they mixed the letters. It's 
 always happening. But be still now ! 
 They're coming up, and all we can do is 
 to keep them in the dark as well as we 
 can. You must help me, Willis." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, there's nothing I like 
 better than throwing dust in people's 
 eyes. It's my native element." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Of course it puts the 
 table all out, and we've got to rearrange 
 the places, and think who is going to take 
 out who again as soon as we can get rid 
 of them. Be making up some pretext, 
 Willis. We've got to consult together, 
 or else we are completely lost. You'll 
 have to stay and keep talking, while I 
 run down and make them put another 
 leaf into the table. I don't believe there's 
 room enough now, and I'm not certain 
 about the quails. The cook said she didn't 
 believe they were all nice. How can peo- 
 
pie be so careless about notes ! I think 
 it's really criminal. There ought to be 
 something done about it. If people won't 
 read their notes over they ought to be 
 told about it, and I've the greatest mind 
 to say at once that they sent a refusal, 
 and I wasn't expecting them. It would 
 serve them right." 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, and it would be such 
 a relief to your feelings. I wish you 
 would do it, Amy. Just for once." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I shall have to take 
 the table-cloth off if I put another leaf in, 
 and the whole thing has got to be re- 
 arranged, decorations and everything; 
 and I'd got the violets scattered so care- 
 lessly. Now I shall just fling them on. 
 I don't care how they look. I'm com- 
 pletely discouraged, and I shall just go 
 through it all like a stone." 
 
 Campbell : " Like a precious stone. 
 You are such a perfect little brick. Amy." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I guess you wouldn't 
 like it yourself, Willis. And the Belforts 
 are just the people I should have liked to 
 do my best before, and now their being 
 here spoils everything." 
 
Campbell, smiling : " It is a complica- 
 tion !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, yes, giggle, do I 
 I suppose 3'Ou'd expect me to be logical, 
 as you call it, with my dying breath." 
 
 Campbell : " No, I shouldn't, Amy ; but 
 I know you'd be delightful under any 
 circumstances. You always get there 
 just the same, whether you take the 
 steps or not. But brace up now, dear, 
 and you'll come out all right. Tell them 
 the truth and I'll stand by you. I don't 
 want any better fun." He slips behind 
 his wife, who gives him a ghastly glance 
 over her shoulder as the Belforts enter 
 the room with Miss Reynolds. 
 
THE BELFORTS, MISS REYNOLDS, AND THE 
 CAMPBELLS 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, how do you do, 
 Maria?" She kisses Miss Reynolds, and 
 then, with gay cordiality, gives her hand 
 to Mrs. Belfort. "I'm so glad to see 
 you !" She shakes hands with Belfort. 
 " So kind of you to come." 
 
 Miss Reynolds : "I'm sorry to be a lit- 
 tle late. Amy ; but better late than never, 
 I suppose." 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : "I'm not so sure of that. 
 Dear Mrs. Campbell ! I wish you would 
 be quite frank with me !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Late ? Frank ? What 
 do you mean, both of you ? You know 
 you're never late, Maria; and why should 
 I be frank with you, Mrs. Belfort ?" 
 
 Campbell : " What do you take us for ?'' 
 
 Mrs. Belfort, holding Mrs. Campbell's 
 
"^•iWcittj "^ 
 
 I'm so glad to see you : 
 
25 
 
 hand clasped between both of hers : '' For 
 the very nicest and kindest people in the 
 world, who wouldn't let me have the mor- 
 tification of deranging them on any ac- 
 count. Did you expect us this evening?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Expect you ? What 
 a strange question ! Why in the world 
 shouldn't we expect you ?'' 
 
 Campbell : " What an extraordinary- 
 idea !" 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " Because I had to hurry 
 away from Mrs. Miller's tea when I went 
 home to dress, and when I told her we 
 were coming here to dinner, she said, 
 ' Oh, you are gomg, then ?' in such a way 
 that, though she covered it up afterwards, 
 and said she didn't mean anything, and 
 she didn't know why she had spoken, I 
 felt sure there must be some misunder- 
 standing, and I've come quite ready to 
 be sent away again if there is. Didn't 
 you get my note ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Your note ? Why, 
 of course I did !" 
 
 Mrs. Belfort: "Then it's all right. 
 Stcck a relief! Now I feel that I can 
 breathe freely again." 
 4 
 
26 
 
 Mr. Belfort : " I assure you, Mrs. Camp- 
 bell, it's a relief to me, too. I've never 
 seen my wife of quite so many minds as 
 she's been for the last hour and a half. 
 She was quite encyclopedic." 
 
 Campbell: "Oh, I know how that is, 
 my dear boy. I've known Mrs. Camp- 
 bell change hers as often as an unabridged 
 dictionary in great emergencies." 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " But really, the only 
 thing for us to do was to come, as I felt 
 from the beginning, in spite of my doubts 
 what to do. I thought I could depend 
 upon you to send us away if we weren't 
 wanted ; but if we were, and didn't come, 
 you couldn't very well have sent for us." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, gayly : " Indeed I 
 should !" 
 
 Campbell, gallantly : " The dinner 
 would have been nothing without you." 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " I don't know about 
 that, but I'm sure we should have been 
 nothing without the dinner. We were 
 so glad to come. I waited a little while 
 about answering, till I could see whether 
 we could be free of a sort of provisional 
 engagement we had hanging over us. 
 
27 
 
 Even after we got here, though, I'd half 
 a mind to run away, and we've been 
 catechising poor Miss Reynolds down in 
 the reception-room till she wouldn't stand 
 it any longer, and so here we are." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "And I'm perfectly 
 delighted. If you had yielded to any 
 such ridiculous misgiving, I should never 
 have forgiven you. I'm sure I don't 
 know what Mrs. Miller could have — " 
 
 The Phonograph in the library : " Truth 
 crushed to earth will cr— cr-r-r-r — ck — ck 
 — cr — " 
 
 Mrs. Belfort: "A phonograph! Oh, 
 have you got one ? I must hear it !" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, won't you come into 
 the library? My nephew is in there, 
 driving everybody mad with it. He'll be 
 perfectly delighted with a fresh victim." 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " And I shall be charmed 
 to offer myself up. Come, Miss Reynolds. 
 Come, Roger." 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, come along, Belfort." 
 He leads the way to the door, and then 
 adroitly slips back to his wife, who has 
 abandoned herself wildly upon the sofa. 
 
IX 
 
 CAMPBELL AND MRS. CAMPBELL 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Well, now, what are 
 you going to do, Willis ?" 
 
 Campbell: "/V;2 not going to do any- 
 thing. / haven't been flying in the face 
 of Providence. If ever there was a wom- 
 an offered a clean and safe way out ! But 
 since you preferred to remain in this 
 labyrinth — this Black Forest of improba- 
 bilities — " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, don't torment 
 me, Willis ! Don't you see that her tak- 
 ing it that way made it all the more im- 
 possible for me to tell her of the blunder 
 she had committed? I simply couldn't 
 do it, then." 
 
 Campbell : " I don't see how you could 
 help doing it, then," 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " When she behaved 
 so magnanimously about it, and put her- 
 self in my power ? I would sooner have 
 
29 
 
 died, and sFie knew it perfectly well. 
 That's the reason she ivas so magnani- 
 mous. You wouldn't have done it your- 
 self after that. But it's no use talking 
 about that now. We've got to do some- 
 thing, and you've got to think what we 
 shall do. Now think !" 
 
 Campbell : " What about ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, don't tease, dear- 
 est! About the trouble — and who shall 
 take out who — and the quails. You know 
 what !" 
 
 Campbell: "Well, I think if we leave 
 those people alone much longer, they'll 
 all come out here and ask if they weren't 
 mistaken in supposing they were expect- 
 ed." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, whimpering : " Oh, 
 there you go ? How perfectly heartless !" 
 
MRS. ROBERTS AND THE CAMPBELLS 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, showing herself at the 
 door : " Amy, dear, what is the matter ? 
 Didn't you tell me the Belforts were not 
 coming ? Is that what's keeping you out 
 here ? I just knew it was !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, Agnes ; but do 
 go back to them, and keep them amused. 
 Willis and I are trying to think what to 
 do. I've got to rearrange the whole table, 
 you know, and I'm not sure whether 
 there'll be quails enough to go round." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Don't worry about that, 
 Amy. I won't take any, and I'll give 
 Edward a hint about them." 
 
 Campbell : " And Roberts is capable of 
 asking you before the whole company 
 why you don't want him to take quail. 
 There's nothing like Roberts for presence 
 of mind and any little bit of finesse like 
 that. No, it won't do for the entire con- 
 
nection to fight shy of quail. Mrs. Bel- 
 fort has got her suspicions roused, and 
 she'd be on to a thing of that kind like 
 lightning. She's got the notion that she 
 wasn't expected, somehow, and she's been 
 making it hot for Amy — trying to get 
 her to own up, and all that. If it hadn't 
 been for me, Amy would have owned up, 
 too. But I kept my eye on her, and she 
 lied out of it like a little man." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " It isn't so, Agnes. 
 He wajtted me to tell the truth about it, 
 as he calls it — " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " What an idea ! You 
 might as well have died at once. I don't 
 see what you could have been thinking of, 
 Willis !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, he can't under- 
 stand yet why I shouldn't, when Mrs. 
 Belfort asked me if there wasn't some 
 mistake, and literally threw herself on 
 my mercy. She had no business to do it, 
 and I shall always think it was taking a 
 mean advantage ; but I wasn't going to 
 let myself be outdone in magnanimity. 
 I shouldn't have thought she would be 
 capable of it." 
 
32 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " It wasn't very nice ; 
 but I suppose she was excited. We 
 mustn't blame her, and you did the only 
 thing that any human creature could do. 
 I'm surprised at Willis; or, rather, I'm 
 not surprised." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, don't let it keep 
 you away from our other guests, Ag- 
 nes." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, yes ; do go back 
 to them, Agnes, dear ! I have got to ar- 
 range all over again now, about who's to 
 go out with who, you know. I shall 
 want you to let Edward take Mrs. Cur- 
 wen, and — " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, Amy, you know 
 I'd do anything for you, especially in a 
 case like this ; but I cant let Edward take 
 Mrs. Curwen out. I don't mind her flirt- 
 ing ; she does that with every one ; but 
 she always gets Edward to laughing so 
 that it attracts the attention of the whole 
 table, and — " 
 
 Campbell : " That's a very insignificant 
 matter. I'll take out Mrs. Curwen, my- 
 self—" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " No, indeed you won't ! 
 
You always get her laughing, and that's 
 a great deal worse." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, well, I won't, then. 
 But we can arrange that afterwards." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " No, we'll settle it 
 now, if you please ; and I don't want you 
 to go near Mrs. Curwen. She'll be sure 
 to see that there's something wrong from 
 the delay, and she'll try to find it out, 
 and if she should I shall simply perish on 
 the spot. She'll try to get round you and 
 make you tell, and I want you to promise 
 me, Willis, on your bended knees, that 
 you won't let it out. She's insufferable 
 enough as it is, but if she got to sym- 
 pathizing with me, or patronizing me 
 about such a thing, as she'd be sure to 
 do, I don't know what I should do. Will 
 you promise .^" 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, I promise. Look out 
 you don't tell her yourself. Amy ! But 
 now I've got to see that there's enough 
 to eat, under this new deal, and the great 
 question is about the quail, and I've 
 thought how to manage that. I'll just 
 run down to the telephone, and send to 
 the club for them. We can have them 
 5 
 
here inside of a half-hour, and never turn 
 a feather." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, Willis, you are 
 inspired. Well, I shall always say that 
 when there is any real thinking to be 
 done — But hurry back, do, dear, and 
 Agnes and I will be trying to settle who 
 shall take out — Oh, I'm afraid you won't 
 get back in time to help us ! It takes so 
 long to telephone the simplest thing." 
 
 Campbell : " I'll be back in one-quarter 
 of a second." He rushes out, brushing 
 by Mrs. Crashaw, who enters at the same 
 moment from the library. 
 
' XI 
 
 MRS. CRASHAW AND THE OTHER LADIES ; 
 THEN CAMPBELL 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " Amy, child, what in 
 the world has happened ? What are you 
 staying out here away from your com- 
 pany for ? Where's Willis going ? What's 
 Agnes doing here ? It's perfectly scandal- 
 ous to leave all those people alone !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, Aunt Mary, if 
 you only knew, you wouldn't scold us! 
 Don't you see the Belforts have come ?" 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " Yes, of course they've 
 come, and after they declined ; I under- 
 stand that. But it's only a matter of two 
 plates more at the table — " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, is it ? And am 
 I to let ^z'm go down with ^er ? The 
 whole affair has got to be planned over, 
 and another leaf put in, and the table re- 
 arranged, and I don't know what all." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "And Willis has gone 
 
36 
 
 down to telephone to the club for more 
 quails." 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw, to Mrs. Campbell : "You 
 don't mean that you only got just quails 
 enough ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, indignantly : " A dinner 
 for ten is not a dinner for twelve. I may 
 not have kept house so long as you, Aunt 
 Mary, but I'm not quite a child!" At 
 this critical moment Campbell returns. 
 " Well, will they send them .?" 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, yes. It's all right. I 
 couldn't get the club, just now ; Central 
 was busy; but I've primed Green's man, 
 down below, and he'll call them up in a 
 minute. He understands it. I thought 
 I'd hurry back and see if I could be of use. 
 Well, have you got things all straight Y' 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " No ; we've spent the 
 time in getting them crookeder, if possi- 
 ble. I've insinuated that Amy didn't 
 know how to order her dinner, and she's 
 told me I'm an old woman. I am an old 
 woman. Amy, and you mustn't regard me. 
 I think my mind's going." She kisses 
 Mrs. Campbell, who clasps her in a for- 
 giving embrace. 
 
Mrs, Campbell : " Mine's gone, Aunt 
 Mary, or I never could have taken any- 
 thing amiss ixovayotc! I don't see how I 
 shall live through it. I don't know what to 
 do ; it seems to get worse every moment." 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : "Why, you don't sup- 
 pose the Belforts suspect anything, do 
 you ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " That's the worst of 
 it. I thought I ought to let the Millers 
 know who had failed when I asked them 
 so late ; and the Belforts were there at 
 tea this afternoon, and Mrs. Miller let out 
 her surprise that they were coming. So, 
 of course, I had a double duty." 
 
 Campbell : " But, thank goodness, she 
 was equal to it. Aunt Mary. I've had to 
 do sometall lying in my time, but I never 
 soared to the heights that Amy reached 
 with the Belforts, in my palmiest days." 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " Well, then, if she con- 
 vinced them that their suspicions were 
 wrong, it's all right ; and if the quails are 
 coming from the club, I don't see what 
 there is to worry about. We must be 
 thankful that you could get out of it so 
 easily." 
 
38 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " But we're 7iot out of 
 it. The table has to be rearranged, but I 
 can have that done now somehow, while 
 we're waiting for the quails. The great 
 thing is to manage about the going out. 
 It happens very fortunately that if I tell 
 all the other men whom they're to take 
 out, Mr. Belfort can't suppose that he was 
 an after-thought. But I can't seem to 
 make a start with a new arrangement, in 
 my own mind." 
 
 Campbell : " You've used up all your 
 invention in convincing the Belforts that 
 they were expected. Good gracious, herejs 
 Dr. Lawton ! What do you want here, 
 you venerable opprobrium of science.?" 
 
XII 
 
 DR. LAWTON AND THE OTHERS 
 
 Dr. Lawton, standing at ease on the 
 threshold of the drawing-room : " Noth- 
 ing. I merely got tired of hearing the 
 praises of truth chanted in there, and 
 came out here for — a little change." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, you can't stay. 
 You've got to go back, and help keep the 
 Belforts from supposing they weren't ex- 
 pected, if it takes all your hoarded wis- 
 dom as a general practitioner for forty 
 years." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh yes ; do go back, 
 doctor !" 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " What has been the treat- 
 ment up to the present time ?" 
 
 Campbell : " The most heroic kind. 
 Amy has spared neither age nor sex, in 
 the use of whoppers. You know what 
 she is, doctor, when she has a duty to 
 perform." 
 
Dr. Lawton : " But whoppers, as I un- 
 derstand, are always of one sex. They 
 may be old ; they often are, I believe ; 
 but they are invariably masculine." 
 
 Campbell: "Oh, that doesn't prevent 
 women's using them. They use all of 
 us." 
 
 Dr. Lawton: "Well, then, there's no 
 need of my going back on that account. 
 In fact, I may congratulate Mrs. Camp- 
 bell on the most complete success. The 
 Belforts are thoroughly deceived." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, with tremulous eager- 
 ness : " Oh, do you thiiik so, doctor ? If 
 I could only believe that, how happy I 
 should be !" 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " You may be sure of it, 
 Mrs. Campbell. Belfort doesn't count, of 
 course .^" 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " Of course not ; men 
 will believe anything that's told them." 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " And I don't allude to 
 hiJii. But Mrs. Belfort got me to one 
 side as soon as she saw me, and told me 
 she had been afraid there was something 
 wrong, but Mrs. Campbell had assured 
 her that she had got her note of accept- 
 
ance, and now she was going to give her 
 whole mind to the phonograph's beauti- 
 ful rendering of Bryant's poem on truth." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " There, Amy, you see 
 there's no reason to worry about that !" 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " No ; the only thing 
 now is to get your dinner on the table, 
 child, and let us eat it as soon as possi- 
 ble." 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, if Lawton's telling 
 the truth." 
 
 The Ladies : " Willis !" 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Don't mind him, ladies ! 
 The experiences of his early life in Cali- 
 fornia, you know, must have been very 
 unfavorable to a habit of confidence in 
 his fellow-men. I pity him." 
 6 
 
XIII 
 MRS. CURWEN AND THE OTHERS 
 
 Mrs. Curwen, appearing with young 
 Mr. Bemis : " Dr. Lawton, I wish you 
 would go and bring your daughter here. 
 She's flirting outrageously with my hus- 
 band." In making this accusation, Mrs. 
 Curwen casts the eye of experienced co- 
 quetry at young Mr. Bemis, who laughs 
 foolishly. 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Oh, I dare say he won't 
 mind ; he must be so used to it." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " What do you mean, 
 Dr. Lawton } What does he mean, Mr. 
 Campbell }" 
 
 Campbell : " I couldn't imagine, for the 
 life of me." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Can yotc tell, Mrs. 
 Campbell }" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, I Jievcr tell — such 
 things." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " What mysteries ! Well, 
 
'OH, I DAKE SAY HE WON T MIND. 
 
can you tell .iie what makes Mrs, Belfort 
 so uncommonly gay, this evening ? She 
 seems to be in the greatest spirits, laugh- 
 ing with everybody — Mr. Bem'is pe're, and 
 Mr. Roberts." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Mrs. Belfort ?" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Yes. She seems a lit- 
 tle hysterical. I wonder if anything's 
 happened ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, sweeping the circle of 
 her confidants with a look of misery : 
 " What could have happened ?" 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " It's merely the pleasure 
 of finding herself in your company, Mrs. 
 Curwen." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, thank you, Dr. 
 Lawton, I know that I scatter sunshine 
 in my path, but not to that extent, I 
 think." With winning appeal: "Oh, 
 what z's the cat in the meal, doctor.^" To 
 young Mr. Bemis, archly : " Do make them 
 tell me, Mr. Bemis !" 
 
 Young Mr. Bemis, with the air of epi- 
 gram : " I'm sure / don't know." He 
 chokes with flattered laughter. 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " How cruel of you not 
 even to try !" She makes eyes at young 
 
Mr. Bemis, and then transfers them rapid- 
 ly to Campbell : " Won't you just whis- 
 per it in my ear, Mr. Campbell? Mrs. 
 Roberts, you can't imagine what nice 
 things your husband's been saying to me ! 
 I didn't know he paid compliments. And 
 now I suppose he's devoting himself to 
 Mrs. Belfort. Perhaps it was that made 
 her so lively. He began at once. He's 
 so amusing. I envy you having such a 
 husband always about." 
 
 Young Mr. Bemis, in the belief that he 
 is saying something gallant: "I'm sure 
 we're none of us so hard-hearted as to 
 envyj/(?w, Mrs. Curwen." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, thank you, Mr. 
 Bemis ! I shall really be afraid to tell 
 Mr. Curwen all you say." She laughs, 
 and Campbell joins her, even under the 
 reproachful gaze of his wife and sister. 
 Mrs. Curwen turns coaxingly to him : 
 "Z>^tell!" 
 
 Campbell : " Tell what T' 
 
 Mrs. Curwen: "Well — " She pauses 
 thoughtfully, and then suddenly adds : 
 " Who's going to take me out to dinner." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, surprised into saying 
 
45 
 
 it : " Why, it's all disarranged now by the 
 Belforts — " She stops, and a thrill of 
 dismay at her self-betrayal makes itself 
 apparent in the spectators. 
 
 Mrs. Curwen, with clasped hands : 
 '' Do?it say by the Belforts coming un- 
 expectedly ! Oh, dear Mrs. Campbell, I 
 know how to pity you ! That very thing 
 happened to me last winter. Only, it 
 was Mrs. Miller who came after she'd de- 
 clined ; she said Mr. Miller wouldn't come 
 without her. But why do you mind it ? 
 We all went out pell-mell. Such fun! 
 But it must have taken all Mr. Campbell's 
 ingenuity to keep them from suspecting." 
 
 Campbell : " More, too. I was no- 
 where." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen, with caressing deference 
 to Mrs. Campbell : " Of course you were 
 not needed. But isn't it shocking how 
 one has to manage in such an emergency.'* 
 I really believe it would be better to tell 
 the truth sometimes. Don't you ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " It's all very well tell- 
 ing the truth if they don't suspect any- 
 thing. But when people tax you with 
 their mistakes, and try to make you own 
 
46 
 
 up that they've blundered, then of course 
 you have to deny it." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You simply have to." 
 
 Mrs. Crashaw : " There's no other way, 
 in that case, even if you'd prefer to tell 
 the truth." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, in that case, yes, 
 indeed. Poor Mrs. Campbell ! I can im- 
 agine how annoying it must have been ; 
 but I shotdd have liked to hear you get- 
 ting out of it ! What did you say } Fm 
 so transparent, people see through me at 
 once." 
 
 Campbell : " Are you ?" 
 
 Dr. Lawton : " Don't you think you're 
 a little hard on yourself, Mrs. Curwen ?" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen, with burlesque meekness 
 and sincerity : " No, not the least. It's 
 simple justice." Mr. Curwen enters with 
 Roberts. "You can ask my husband if 
 you don't believe vie. Or no, I'll put the 
 case to him myself. Fred, dear, if people 
 whom I didn't expect to dinner, came, 
 coitld I keep them from discovering that 
 they weren't expected } You know how 
 awkward I am about such things — little 
 fibs, and all that ?" 
 
XIV 
 
 ROBERTS, CURWEN, AND THE OTHERS; THEN 
 THE BELFORTS 
 
 Curwen : " Well, I don't know — " 
 
 Mrs. Curwen, shaking her fan at him 
 during the general laugh : " Oh, what a 
 wicked husband ! Vote don't believe I 
 could fib out of such a thing, do you, Mr. 
 Roberts ?" 
 
 Roberts, gallantly : " If I knew what 
 the thing was ?" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Why, like the Bel- 
 forts — Oh, poor Mrs. Campbell ! I didn't 
 mean to let it out !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, it doesn't matter. 
 Would you like to go and tell the Bel- 
 forts themselves } Or, you needn't go : 
 they're coming here." 
 
 Mrs. Belfort, returning from the libra- 
 ry, followed by her husband and the eld- 
 er Mr. Bemis : " How perfectly the phono- 
 graph renders that piece, Mr. Campbell I 
 I've never heard anything like it." 
 
Campbell : " It's all in practice. You 
 wouldn't hear anything else here, Mrs. 
 Belfort. It's my favorite poem. And I'm 
 happy to find that Mrs. Curwen likes it as 
 much as I do." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " I adore it !" 
 
 The Phonograph, within : " Truth 
 crushed to earth will rise again." 
 
 Campbell : " Every time ! But I wish 
 Jim would change the cylinder. I like a 
 little vari — " 
 
 A Sound from the regions below, some- 
 thing like, " Woor, roor, roor ; woor, roor, 
 roor !" and then a voice : " Hello ! Is 
 that you. Central.^ Well, give me two 
 hundred and forty-one, please ! Yes, two, 
 four, one : Iroquois Club. Yes! What.^ 
 Yes, Iroquois Club — two forty-one. Well, 
 hurry up ! Is that you, Iroquois ? Yes ? 
 Busy ? Well, that won't work. I don't 
 care if you are busy. You've got to take 
 my message, and take it right away. Hear 
 that ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Hear it ? I should think 
 they could ! That confounded fool has 
 left the closet-door open !" He rushes out 
 and down the stairs, while the others as- 
 
sume various attitudes of sympathy and 
 dismay, and Mrs. Curwen bows herself 
 into her fan, and the voice below con- 
 tinues. 
 
 The Voice : '* Well, why don't you send 
 them quails you promised half an hour 
 ago ? What ? Who is it ? It's Mr. Camp- 
 bell. C, a, m, Cam, m, e, 1, mel, Camp- 
 bell. One hump ! What ? Oh, hump 
 yourself! It's Mr. Cam — " 
 
 Campbell's voice from below : " Why 
 the deuce don't you shut that closet-door.^ 
 Shut it ! Shut it ! We can hear you all 
 over the house, the way you yell. Don't 
 you know how to use a telephone ? Shut 
 that door, anyway !" 
 
 The Voice : " Oh, I beg your pardon, 
 sir, I didn't think about the door. I didn't 
 know it was open. All right, sir." There 
 is the sound of a closing door, and then, 
 as Campbell rejoins his guests with a 
 flushed face, the woor-roor-rooring of the 
 electric bell begins again. " Iroquois ! 
 Is this Iroquois ? No, I don't want you ; 
 I want Iroquois. Well, is that Iroquois 
 now ?" The words are at first muffled ; 
 then they grow more and more distinct, 
 7 
 
in spite of the intervening door. "Yes, 
 quails ! A dozen roast quails. You got 
 the order half an hour ago. There's a 
 lot of folks come that they didn't expect, 
 and they got to have some more birds. 
 Well, hurry up, then ! Good-by ! Woor- 
 roor !" 
 
 Campbell, amid the consternation of 
 the company, while Mrs. Belfort fixes his 
 wife with an eye of mute reproach : 
 " Now, my dear, this is so awful that 
 nothing can be done about it on the old 
 lines." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes ; I give it up. 
 Mrs. Belfort, I tried my very best to keep 
 you from suspecting, and even when you 
 did suspect, I'm sure you must say that I 
 did all I could. But fate was against me." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : •' Oh, poor Mrs. Camp- 
 bell ! Mus^ you own up?" 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " But I don't understand. 
 You got my note of acceptance, didn't 
 you ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " But it wasnt a note 
 of acceptance : it was a note of regret !" 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " Indeed it was not !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I knew just how it 
 
VES, QUAILS ! 
 
had happened as soon as I saw you this 
 evening, and I determined that wild 
 horses should not get the truth out of 
 me." Campbell and Dr. Lawton exchange 
 signals of admiration. " You must have 
 been writing two notes, declining some- 
 where else, and then got them mixed. 
 It's always happening." 
 
 Campbell : " It's one of the commonest 
 things in the world — on the stage; and 
 ever since a case of the kind happened 
 to Mrs. Campbell down at the Shore, one 
 summer, she's known how to deal with it," 
 
 Mrs. Belfort : " But I didnt write two 
 notes and get them mixed. I wrote but 
 one, to tell Mrs, Campbell how very glad 
 I was to come. Do you happen to have 
 kept my note }" 
 
 Mrs, Campbell : " They are all here in 
 this desk, and " — running to it, and pull- 
 ing it open — " here is yours." She reads : 
 " ' Dear Mrs. Campbell, I am very sorry 
 to be so late in answering. An out-of- 
 town eiigagement for the tenth, which has 
 been hanging over us in a threatening way 
 for the past fortnight — ' " Mrs. Camp- 
 bell turns the leaf, and continues reading 
 
in a murmur that finally fades into the 
 silence of utter dismay. 
 
 Campbell : " Well, my dear?" 
 
 Mrs, Crashaw : " What in the world is 
 it, child ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Amy !" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, not ajwtkcr mys- 
 tery, I hope !" 
 
 Campbell : " Go on, Amy, or shall 
 I—" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, reading desperately on : 
 " ' —for the past fort7iight, is happily off 
 at last, a?id I am very glad indeed to ac- 
 cept your kind itivitation for din7ier at 
 seven on that day, for Mr. Belfoi't and 
 myself—^ " She lets her hands, with the 
 letter stretched between them, fall dra- 
 matically before her. 
 
 Campbell : " Well, my dear, there seems 
 to be a pretty clear case against you, and 
 unless you can plead mind-transference, 
 or something like that — " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "I'm sure it's mind- 
 transference. Amy ! I've often been 
 through the same experience myself. 
 Just take the opposite of what's said." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, in a daze : " But I don't 
 
see — Yes, now I begin to remember how 
 it must have been — how it was. I know 
 now, but I don't know how I can ever 
 forgive myself for such carelessness, when 
 I'm always so particular about notes— " 
 
 Campbell: "Yes, I've even heard you 
 say it was criminal to read them careless- 
 ly. I can bear witness for you there." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " I'm sure I could too, 
 Amy, in a court of justice." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, I was just going 
 out when your note came, Mrs. Belfort, 
 and I read the first page — down to 'for 
 the past fortjiight' — and I took it for 
 granted that the opening regret meant a 
 refusal, and just dropped it into my desk 
 and gave you up. It's inexcusable, per- 
 fectly inexcusable ! I'm quite at your 
 feet, Mrs. Belfort, and I shall not blame 
 you at all if you can't forgive me. What 
 shall I say to you ?" 
 
 Mrs. Belfort, amiably : " Nothing, my 
 dear, except that you will let me stay, 
 now I'm here !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell " How sweet you are ! 
 You shall live with us !" 
 
 Campbell : " Truth crushed to earth ! 
 
It's perfectly wonderful ! Mrs. Campbell 
 can't get away from it when she tries her 
 best. She tells it in spite of herself. She 
 supposed she wasn't telling it when she 
 said there was no mistake on j^our part; 
 but she was. Well, it zs a feminine vir- 
 tue, doctor." 
 
 Dr. Lavvton : " Unquestionably, I think 
 that it came into the world with woman." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, with mounting courage : 
 " Yes a pretty predicament I should have 
 been in, Willis, if I had taken your ad- 
 vice, and told the truth, as you call it, in 
 the beginning. But now we won't wait 
 any longer. The quails will come in their 
 own good time. My dear, will you give 
 Mrs. Belfort your arm ? And, Mr. Bel- 
 fort, will you give me yours .^" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " And all the rest of us ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, you can come 
 ©ut pell-mell." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen: "Oh, dear Mrs. Camp- 
 bell !" 
 
 THE END. 
 
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By CONSTANCE F. WOOLSON. 
 
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 Miss Woolson is among our tew successful writers of 
 interesting magazine stories, and her skill and power 
 are perceptible in the delineation of her heroines no 
 less than in the suggestive pictures of local life. — y^ew- 
 ish Messenger, N. Y. 
 
 Constance Fenimore Woolson may easily become the 
 novelist laureate. — Boston Globe, 
 
 Miss Woolson has a graceful fancy, a ready wit, a 
 polished style, and conspicuous dramatic power; while 
 her skill in the development of a story is very remark- 
 able. — London Life. 
 
 Miss Woolson never once follows the beaten track of 
 the orthodox novelist, but strikes a new and richly load- 
 ed vein, which so far is all her own ; and thus we feel, 
 on reading one of her works, a fresh sensation, and we 
 put down the book with a sigh to think our pleasant task 
 of reading it is finished. — Whitehall Review, London. 
 
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 DAME CARE. By Hermann Sudermann. 
 Translated by Bertha Overbeck. $i oo. 
 
 TALES OF TWO COUNTRIES. By 
 Alexander Kiellanu. Translated by 
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 Translated by Walter Learned. 50 Illus- 
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