LARRY 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALP, Publishers, 
 NEW YORK. 
 
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 CRANFOED DAMES. 2 Scenes; V/ % hours 8 
 
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 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; SO minutes 4 
 
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 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 
 
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 SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour 8 
 
 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 
 
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 APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 
 
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 SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 
 
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 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 
 
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 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N Y 
 
LARRY 
 
 AtmttQeh tat ily* Am*roan Binge 
 
 By HAROLD SANDER 
 
 Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald 
 
 V 
 
 NEW YORK 
 DICK & FITZGERALD 
 
 18 Ann Street 
 
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 \ 
 
 ,^ V 3 
 
 AUG 3 19)5 ©CLD 41402 
 
LARRY 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Mrs. Beach Landlady of the Royal Links Hotel, 
 
 BunTcer-on-Sea 
 
 Larry O'Reilly The head waiter. A drop of Old Irish 
 
 Norah His daughter 
 
 Dr. Fred Vincent Her lover 
 
 Miss Eliza P. Tosh From U. 8. A. 
 
 Captain Sparker A motor fiend 
 
 Hon. Gough-Green A golfing crank 
 
 Miss Penelope Pankie In search of a husband 
 
 Time. — The present. Locality. — Bunker-on-Sea. 
 
 Time of Playing. — About forty-five minutes. 
 
 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 
 
 Larry. Age about 40. A head-waiter of a seaside hotel, is a 
 typical rollicking son of Erin, quick at a retort, ever ready with 
 his wit, and quick in action. He wears an evening dress-suit, 
 somewhat the worse for wear, with a white shirt also some- 
 what mussed, but nevertheless there is an air of neatness and 
 smartness about him which shows he desires to appear well. 
 
 Mrs. Beach. Age about 35. The bustling landlady must be 
 costumed neatly but smartly and must appear to be much above 
 the landlady of an ordinary seaside hotel. 
 
 Norah. Age about 18. Sweet and pretty ; she is gowned in 
 any available seaside costume. 
 3 
 
4 Larry. 
 
 Dr. Vincent. Age 26. Wears an outing suit appropriate to 
 the part. 
 
 Capt. Sparker. A " Motor Maniac," wears a heavy motor 
 coat and goggles, somewhat exaggerated. Is very breezy. 
 
 Hon. Gough-Green. A " Golf Fiend," wears Norfolk jacket, 
 knickerbockers and woolen stockings, all of a pronounced pat- 
 tern, and heavy shoes. In manner very excited. 
 
 Eliza Tosh. Suitable costume, as may be available. 
 
 Penelope Pankie. Suitable costume, as may be available. 
 Armed with a golf club, as she continuously races after Gough- 
 Green. 
 
 NOTE. The costumes are suggestions only and may be varied 
 to suit requirements. 
 
 INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 
 
 Hotel register, bell, magazines, etc., on table. Coin, golf 
 sticks and golf ball for Gough-Green. Golf stick for Miss 
 Pankie. Suit-case and handkerchief for Norah. Coin for 
 Eliza Tosh and Capt. Sparker. Broken glass off stage. 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
 
 As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, R., 
 means right hand; l., left hand. 
 
LARRY 
 
 SCENE : — Public room of the Royal Links Hotel. Doors r. and 
 l. Table l. Chairs, etc. DISCOVERED Mrs. Beach 
 consulting visitors' book on table l. 
 
 Mrs. Beach. Well, well, we never had such a busy season! 
 I scarcely know whether I'm on my head or my heels. If it 
 wasn't for Larry I don't know what I'd do; he's a treasure. 
 He manages the whole hotel — myself included. Ah, here he 
 comes. 
 
 ENTER Larry r. 
 
 Larry. Misthress, charge up three soda-wathers to No. 17 — 
 the cranky ould gintleman wid the red nose. It's mesilf sus- 
 picts he's been turnin' up his little finger too often last noight. 
 Shure, there's nothin' like a sup o' the crathur, but ye've always 
 got to pay for it the next mornin', bedad. 
 
 Mrs. Beach. Three sodas — I won't forget. Larry, if any 
 more visitors come by the next train, remember, we've only 
 two more rooms to let. 
 
 Larry (rubbing his hands). Troth, an' that's good business. 
 Well, now, misthress, I know ye're busy ; away wid ye and I'll 
 shtop here in charge. 
 
 Mrs. Beach. All right, Larry, I will. [EXIT Mrs. Beach r. 
 
 Larry. Och, but she's the foine woman, Misthress Beach ! 
 A stiddy, sinsible, level-headed crathur; and, sure, this hotel's 
 a fair gold-moine ! If 'twas mesilf, now, was landlord av it, 
 instead av head waiter, me bread would be baked for loif e ! 
 Well, I belave she has the soft side for me ; an' " Ye never know 
 yer luck," as me ould dad used to say. An', sure, here's the 
 first wan off the train ! 
 
 5 
 
6 Larry. 
 
 ENTER Noeah, e. 
 
 Noeah (staring at Laeey in surprise). Father! 
 
 Larky. Thundher an' turf, if it's not Norah! (Kisses her) 
 But what are ye doin' here, acushla? 
 
 Noeah. I've come down for a few days by the sea. But I 
 thought you were still in Dublin. 
 
 Larry. No. I'm head waiter here for the summer season. 
 I never found toime to write to tell yez, darlint. But, murther 
 aloive, Norah, this'U niver do at all, at all! If ye're goin' to 
 shtop here, ye'll have to kape it dark that I'm your father. 
 
 Norah. What! Not acknowledge my dear old dad? 
 
 Larry. Och, well, ye see, Norah, if the misthress knew I had 
 a foine, swell daughter loike you, she'd be afther rejucin' me 
 wages ! That'd be a moighty poor return for me havin' sent ye 
 to a grand school and makin' a taicher av ye in London, sure ! 
 Be jabers, I belave I'd be gettin' the sack, roight off ! 
 
 Norah (reluctantly). Very well, father. 
 
 Larry (aside). Yes, by the powers, if Misthress Beach sus- 
 picted she was to be mother of a foine, handsome colleen loike 
 Norah here, it moight spoil me chances. (Aloud) No, me 
 jewel, just hould yer whist, and we're all right! Shure, now, 
 ye're just in toime to get wan av the last two rooms, so I'll put 
 ye down for No. 26 before it's snapped up. " A bird in the 
 hand's worth all the eggs in th' basket," as me ould dad used 
 to say. Well, Norah, machree, an' how's yer swateheart kapin'? 
 
 Norah (downcast). I don't know. We've quarrelled, and 
 it's broken off ! 
 
 Larry. Ye've quarrelled? That's a pity, now; but, faith, 
 it's aisy made up again. (Norah shakes her head) What's his 
 name, Norah? Ye never tould me whin ye wrote. 
 
 Norah. Dr. Fred Vincent. 
 
 Larry. Dr. Fred Vincent! (Aside) Thundher an' turf, if 
 that's not the young docthor in No. 25! An' it's mesilf has 
 been wondherin' what he was in the blues about. Sure, now, 
 that bates cock-f oightin' ! But I'll never let on that he's 
 shtoppin' here. (Aloud) Well, Norah, darlint, I'll attind to 
 yer luggage. Run away wid ye, an' take a walk round the 
 garden beyant — (Pointing to l.) before dinner's sarved, an' get 
 up an appetoite! Off wid ye! 
 
 Norah. Very well, father, I will. [EXIT Norah, l. 
 
 Larry. Well, that fairly bangs Banagher ! Norah and her 
 swateheart's fell out — both of thim's here — an' nayther wan or 
 the other knows it ! But, be jabers, I'll set the thing to rights, 
 
Larry. 7 
 
 or my name's not Larry O'Reilly ! An', sure, here's the other 
 young fool comin' ! 
 
 ENTER Dr. Peed Vincent, r., very dejected. 
 
 Larry. Well, docthor, an' how's all wid ye to-day? 
 
 Fred. Just so-so, Larry. I'm not feeling up to the mark at 
 all! 
 
 Larry. Och, now, an' that's a pity; but ye must thry and 
 kape up your spirits, man ! " It's a poor heart that never re- 
 joices," as me ould dad used to say. And, by the way, docthor, 
 there's a foine young leddy just arrived that's feelin' a bit out 
 av sorts hersilf. She's out in the garden yonder. Sure, now, 
 ye moight have a look at her, and give me yer professional 
 opinion. Troth, it's not every day we have a resident medical 
 officer on the premises. Ha ! ha ! 
 
 Fred. Very well, Larry. (Sighs) Anything to kill time. 
 I'll make a diagnosis. In the garden? 
 
 Larry. Yes, docthor, out that way. (Pushing him off l.) 
 Have a good look at her, sorr! Ta, ta! (Aside) An' good 
 luck to yez both ! 
 
 ENTER Eliza P. Tosh, r. 
 
 Tosh (strong nasal accent). Say, waiter! Kin I have a 
 room in this ho-tel? 
 
 Larry. To be sure, mum, an' welkim ! We're tarrible busy, 
 but ye'll get the last av the bunch — Number Twenty-noine — ■ 
 and, by the powers, it's a good wan! Lovely say-view, if ye 
 just pop yer head out av the windy and look round the corner. 
 An' afther all, only tin shillin's a noight for bed an' breakfast ! 
 
 Tosh. Two dollars 'n a half! That's vurry dear for a one- 
 horse ho-tel like this ! 
 
 Larry. Wan horse ! Hare an' Houns, mum, it's yersilf that's 
 mistaken there; let me tell ye we've half a score av horses! 
 (Aside) For dhryin' the clothes on. (Aloud) Howaniver, 
 mum, this is the only hotel in the place ; and, bedad, if ye're not 
 plazed 
 
 Tosh. Oh, vurry well! Guess I'll stay. You'll send to the 
 depot for my baggage, right now? 
 
 Larry. Didn't ye bring it wid ye, mum? 
 
 Tosh. Sakes alive, I guess not! I've got six suit-cases, 
 three innovations, and two grip-sacks ! 
 
 Larry. Arrah, now, d'ye tell me that? Ye'll be goin' £q 
 ^shtop here for a month, mum? 
 
8 Larry. 
 
 Tosh. I should smile! I've only got twenty-four hours to 
 spend in this little township! I'm doing the grand toor of 
 Yurrup, and I've seen Paris, London, and Edinburgh in the 
 last four days! 
 
 Lakry. Piper o' Moses! It's travellin' in wan o' thim new- 
 fangled airyplanes ye've been, mum! Ye don't belong to the 
 ould counthry, I'm thinkin'? 
 
 Tosh. Land-sakes, no! Thank goodness, I don't belong to 
 this effete old island! I'm an Amurrican, born and bred, a 
 citizen of the greatest Ree-public in the Uni-vurrse! Why, in 
 our country we could lose Ireland — where you come from — a 
 dozen times over, and only find it by the smell of the whisky ! 
 
 Larry. Troth, now, I believe I've heard that same before! 
 An' there's a few av your countrymen moighty keen in the 
 scint — where whisky's in the question! Will ye be plazed to 
 wroite yer name down in the visitors' book, mum? (Tosh 
 writes) Och, yes, it's the wondherful counthry, Americky! 
 There's a powerful lot av folks we've no use for here goes out 
 there an' makes big fortunes, bedad ! 
 
 Tosh. Well, guess I'll go to my room, right now! Where 
 can I find an elevator? 
 
 Larry. A — A — beg pardon, mum? 
 
 Tosh. An elevator. 
 
 Larry. Och, yes, av coorse, it's the bar ye'll be afther! 
 But I wouldn't advise ye, mum, before dinner's sarvedj I 
 never taste mesilf betwane meals. 
 
 Tosh. No, no ; I mean the lift ! 
 
 Larry. Oh, I see, I see! Arrah, now, all the lift we have 
 here, mum, is just Shanks' pony. You understand me, mum, 
 we go upstairs on our feet ! 
 
 Tosh. H'mph ! That's the worst of this worn-out old king- 
 dom. In Amurrica, my country (Goes r.) 
 
 Larry (reading visitors' look). "Eliza P. Tosh, Pawtucket, 
 U. S. A." Thundher an' turf! I say, mum, how's the ould 
 man ? 
 
 Tosh. What? 
 
 Larry. How's yer father kapin'? For, by the same token, 
 you must be wan o' thim Toshes that wint out to Pawtucket in 
 eighty-noine ! It's mesilf that knew yer ould dad better than 
 his own mother — cross-eyed Micky Tosh, the Ballyshan bill- 
 sticker ! 
 
 Tosh {confused). Oh, land-sakes! Here, I say, waiter — I — 
 there's some one coming. Jest keep your mouth shut on that 
 bit o' history, and here's half a crown for you ! 
 
 
Larry. 9 
 
 Larry (pocketing tip). Right ye are, mum. I'll be deaf an' 
 dumb as the Sphinx of Agypt ! Don't be forgettin' yer number, 
 now — Twinty-noine ! [EXIT Tosh, r. 
 
 ENTER Dr. Fred, l. 
 
 Fred. Waiter, I don't see any young lady in the garden. 
 Larry. Don't ye, now, docthor dear? Sure, I'll come wid ye, 
 an' we'll soon foind her. [EXIT, l., with Fred. 
 
 ENTER Captain Sparker, r. 
 
 Sparker. Waitah! Waitah! Bay Jove, no one heah! 
 (Rings hell on table) 
 
 ENTER Mrs. Beach, r. 
 
 Sparker. Ah, how-de-dah? I want to put up heah. Just 
 come down in my mowtah — fifty miles an howah ! Bay Jove, 
 ya-as! Killed three hens and frightened two constables to 
 death — haw-haw ! My mowtah's a forty horse-power Daimlah. 
 She's a rippah, bay Jove, ya-as! I say, can I put up heah? 
 
 Mrs. Beach. Oh, yes, sir. I can let you have a very nice 
 room — Number Twenty-nine. This way, sir, upstairs and to 
 your right. (Going r.) 
 
 Sparker. Very good ! I'll tell my chauffah to carry up my 
 luggage. You should see my mowtah — she's a rippah ! By 
 Jove, ya-as ! [EXIT, r. 
 
 ENTER Norah, l. 
 
 Norah (agitated). Well, I never! If that isn't Fred out 
 there in the garden! Fred, of all people! How did he know 
 I was here? He must have followed me — the wretch! How 
 dare he come here at all? But I will never forgive him for 
 flirting with that other girl. 
 
 ENTER Larry, l. 
 
 Larry. Bedad, an' ye're here, are ye, Norah? 
 
 Norah. Yes, I'm here ! Father, do you know who that was 
 with you in the garden? Dr. Vincent. 
 
 Larry. Dr. Vincent it was, me jewel! Saints aloive, ye 
 don't mane to tell me he's your Docthor Vincent — your swate- 
 heart? Arrah, now, how was I to know that? He's been 
 
10 Larry. 
 
 stoppin' here for the last wake, in Number Twenty-foive. Poor 
 young fella, I'm tarrible sorry for him ; for it's moighty bad he 
 is, I'm thinkin' ! 
 
 Norah (anxiously) . You don't mean to say he's ill, father? 
 
 Larky (shaking head). Och, yes, the poor young gintle- 
 man's dyin' on his feet. He moight go off any day! 
 
 Norah (suspiciously). Nonsense! He's as strong as a 
 horse. And if he is ill he deserves to be! (Disappointedly) 
 He didn't follow me here, after all. But now, perhaps, he will 
 think I have followed him. He mustn't see me. I shall leave 
 Bunker-on-Sea at once. 
 
 Larry. Sure, now, Norah, don't bother yer pretty head about 
 him. It 'ud be a pity to have yer holiday spoiled for a de- 
 saivin', worthless young rapscallion like him. 
 
 Norah (indignantly). He's not! Fred's not a — a — what 
 you said ! But you are right ; I shan't allow him to drive me 
 away. I'll simply freeze him if he attempts to speak to me! 
 (Sits at table, taking up magazine) 
 
 ENTER the Hon. Gough-Green, golf clubs slung on back, club 
 in hand, followed by Penelope Pankie. 
 
 Pankie. I say, dear Mr. Gough-Green 
 
 Gough-Green. Run away, and don't bother me ! 
 
 Pankie. But, dear Mr. Gough-Green, I want to tell you 
 
 Gough-Green (irascibly). And I don't want to hear you! 
 Say, waiter, I've made a record this morning — went round the 
 course in seventy-five ! It's a fact — absolutely ! 
 
 Larry. Did ye, now? Man alive, I wouldn't have belaved it 
 was in ye ! 
 
 Pankie. But, dear Mr. Gough-Green 
 
 Gough-Green (waving her aside). I tell you it's the case — 
 absolutely ! Did the fifth hole in three, the seventh in five, 
 though I was bunkered twice, and that fearful ninth hole 
 
 Pankie. The ninth hole! Oh, dear Mr. Gough-Green 
 
 Gough-Green. Don't interrupt me, madam ! Waiter, the 
 ninth hole in four — absolutely ! 
 
 Larry (aside, crossing r.). It's a wondherful liar ye are — 
 absolutely. [EXIT, r. 
 
 Gough-Green. Had a fearful bad stymie at the eighteenth — 
 fearful, absolutely! (Puts ball on floor) My ball was here, 
 the other ball there, but I played — so! (Drives ball through 
 door, r. Crash, off) 
 
 Pankie (screams). Oh! Dear Mr. Gough-Green! 
 
 
Larry. 1 1 
 
 Gough-Gkeen (gasps). I've done it now — absolutely! 
 ENTER Larry, r. 
 
 Larry (sternly). Sure, an' ye have done it, right through! 
 I've told you before not to play golf in this room! It's a 
 Gough-Green ye may be yersilf, but this isn't wan! And now, 
 bedad, if ye haven't gone an' smashed a valliable ornamint av 
 Venaitian glass — all the way from Venaishy. Thundher an' 
 turf, what will Misthress Beach say? 
 
 Gough-Green. Say, waiter, I'm sorry — absolutely! Here's 
 five shillings for yourself to keep dark about it. An accident— 
 absolutely ! I'll go and practise putting on the lawn ! 
 
 [EXIT, l., putting imaginary halls with club. 
 
 Pankie (folloiving him). Do you know, dear Mr. Gough- 
 Green [EXIT l. 
 
 Larry (looking after them). Arrah, now, chase him up, me 
 woman; ye'll maybe catch him yet! (Looking at tip) Five 
 shillin's ! Well, sure, " It's not lost what a friend gets," as me 
 ould dad used to say! An', bedad, it was just an ould lamp- 
 globe I dropped at the right moment — absolutely ! 
 
 Noise, R. ENTER Capt. Sparker and, Miss Tosh, arguing 
 volubly. 
 
 Tosh. I say you're an impurrtinent fellow — an impurrtinent 
 fellow, and I reckon you'd better skiddoo out of this hotel, 
 right naow ! 
 
 Sparker. I say, you are coming it strong — rathaw ! My 
 name is Captain Sparker, and I came down heah in my mow- 
 tah! 
 
 Tosh. I reckon it don't matter to me if you're Teddy 
 Roosevelt, or if you arrived here in Halley's Comet! Number 
 Twenty-nine was let to me by the boss waiter, and you've got 
 no call to dump your traps in my apartment. 
 
 Sparker. But, my deah lady, that room was let to me. Ton 
 my honah ! 
 
 Larry. Whist ye now, whist! What's all this botheration 
 about? 
 
 Tosh. Waiter, I hired Number Twenty-nine from you, and 
 this man had the impurrtinence to come right into my room 
 when I was doing up my back hair. 
 
 Larry (to Sparker). Murther alive, man, ye moight be 
 
12 Larry. 
 
 thinkin' shame av yersilf ! I'm surprised at ye! Have ye no 
 sense of modesty at all, at all? 
 
 Sparkee. But, look heah, waitah, when I arrived in my 
 mowtah, the landlady let the room to me. Bay Jove, ya-as ! 
 
 Larry. Well, sure, here's the misthress hersilf ! 
 
 ENTER Mrs. Beach, r. 
 
 Sparker. Aw, I say, my good lady, didn't ye let me Number 
 Twenty-nine? 
 
 Mrs. Beach. I did, sir, not ten minutes since. 
 
 Larry. Thin, faith, misthress, ye were foive minutes too 
 late; for it's mesilf had already given to Miss Tosh here, the 
 daughter av — (Catches Tosh's eye) — och, yes — this leddy from 
 the United States av Americky ! 
 
 Mrs. Beach. Oh, dear, dear, whatever's to be done? 
 
 Larry. You leave that to me, misthress. I'll make it 
 square wid the Captain here. 
 
 Mrs. Beach (relieved). That's all right, then. Miss, come 
 away ! Ah, Larry is a treasure ! 
 
 [EXIT Tosh and Mrs. Beach, r, 
 
 Sparker. But, look heah, waitah 
 
 Larry. Arrah, now, be aisy, Gineral, be aisy! That room's 
 let; but it's mesilf can provide ye wid the very pick o' beds — 
 in the bathroom. Plinty av fresh air, an' mortial convanient 
 if ye should feel dhry through the noight. Ye've only to put up 
 yer hand and screw on the tap, as nate as ye loike! Or, be- 
 dad, ye can slape on the billiard-table at noinepince an hour. 
 
 Sparker. Really! You are very accommodating, waitah! 
 Think I'd rathaw move on furthah in my mowtah. By the 
 way, have you seen my mowtah? She's a rippah! 
 
 Larry. D'ye tell me that, now? Maybe she is; but, faith, 
 I'd rather have a gig an' a wee pony, sorr ! 
 
 Sparker (sees Norah). Bay Jove, I say, waitah, what a 
 pretty girl ! She's a clippah ! Is she stopping heah? 
 
 Larry. Troth, an' she is. 
 
 Sparker. Then I won't go! You can put me down for the 
 bathroom — rathaw! (Twirls moustache and crosses to Norah) 
 Morning, Miss. Beautiful weathaw for the time of yeah. 
 Bay Jove, ya-as ! 
 
 Norah (coldly). Do you think so? 
 
 Sparker. I say, would you care for a run in my mowtah? 
 She's a rippah ! 
 
 Norah. Thanks, I won't trouble you ! 
 
Larry. 13 
 
 Sparker. Oh, no trouble, I assure you ! I'll go and tell my 
 chauffah. {Going off, r.) I say, chauffah! [EXIT r. 
 
 Larry. Bedad, it's toime the young docthor was looking 
 afther his swateheart ! 
 
 Norah (rises). The bounder ! I'm off ! [EXIT, hurriedly, l. 
 
 Larry. Sowld again, Goggles, me bhoy, or me name's not 
 Larry. 
 
 Sparker (returns). Now, Miss, my mowtah Bay Jove, 
 
 she's not heah ! I say, waitah, where has the young lady gone? 
 
 Larry. The young leddy, sorr? D'ye mane the wan ye were 
 thryin' to put the blarney on? 
 
 Sparker. Ya-as; where is she? I want to take her for a 
 run in my mowtah ! 
 
 Larry. I see, sorr, I see ! Ye want to do the agreeable, now, 
 sorr? Well, you just leave that to me, Gineral; I'll make it all 
 right — for a consideration, sorr! 
 
 Sparker. Aw, I understand, bay Jove, ya-as! Well, here's 
 half a sov. for you. You'll find her and tell her? 
 
 Larry. Depind upon me, Gineral; I'll tell her, sure enough. 
 (Biting half sovereign and pocketing it) But man aloive, here 
 she is, in the very nick av toime! 
 
 ENTER Miss Tosh, r. 
 
 Larry. Miss Tosh, mum, the Gineral here is tarrible sorry 
 he huffed ye ; an' to make up for it, he's goin' to take ye for a 
 run in his motor — the foinest car that iver 
 
 Sparker (pulling Larry's sleeve). No, no, you old idiot, I 
 don't mean her ! 
 
 Larry. Howld yer whisht, Major, howld yer whisht! I'll 
 see ye through ! Sure, Miss, the Colonel's terrible shy, so he's 
 axed me to spake up for him ! (Sparker squirms) An' he'd be 
 as plazed as Punch 
 
 Tosh. If I'd go for a ride in his auto-mobile? Surrtainly ! 
 I accept with pleasure! (Crossing to Sparker, holding out 
 hand) You're a bit of real stuff, after all! Shake! 
 
 Sparker (confused, shaking hands limply). But, look heah, 
 I didn't mean 
 
 Tosh. Oh, never mind apologies, Captain. I guess life's too 
 short. Come along. You may take my arm! We've auto- 
 mobiles in my country 
 
 [EXIT Tosh, talking, Sparker shaking fist at Larry 
 
 Larry (chuckling). Arrah, now, Lieutenant, off ye go in 
 your forty horse-power hen-killer. But ye'll not spoil the 
 docthor's chances Wid Norah. 
 
14 Larry. 
 
 ENTER Norah, l. 
 
 Norah. Upon my word, I don't know where to go. Fred in 
 the garden, and that dreadful motor man here. Ah, he's gone ! 
 Father, I came down here for peace and quiet, but if I have 
 to endure this sort of thing I won't stay another hour. 
 
 Larky. Aisy now, Norah, darlint. Him wid the goggles '11 
 not throuble ye for a while, anyhow! (Norah sits at table 
 with magazine) Thundher an' turf, here's that lunatic golfer 
 comin' back. I'll away an' swape up the broken lamp-globe 
 before he gets his eye on it ! [EXIT, r. 
 
 ENTER Hon. Gough-Green, hurriedly, l. 
 
 Gough-Green. Confound that Pankie woman! She tracks 
 me like a sleuth-hound! I'm safe nowhere, nowhere — abso- 
 lutely! (Sees Norah) I say, who's this? She's a daisy — 
 absolutely! (Crosses to Norah) Ahem! (Coughs) Ahem! 
 (Louder. Norah looks up) You play golf, of course, Miss? 
 .Won't you come and play a round with me? 
 
 Norah (coldly). I never play golf — with strangers! 
 
 Gough-Green. Ah, that's too bad, too bad — absolutely! 
 Well, won't you come and watch me play? I'm a record-breaker 
 - — absolutely ! Did the course in — dash it, here's Pankie again ! 
 I'm off— absolutely ! [EXIT, hastily, r. 
 
 ENTER Miss Pankie, running, l. 
 
 Pankie. Dear Mr. Gough-Green! Where is he? I'm sure 
 I saw him here! 
 
 ENTER Larry, r. 
 
 Pankie. Waiter, have you seen dear Mr. Gough-Green? 
 
 Larry. Sure, now, an' I did see him. 
 
 Pankie. Then where is he? I want him particularly. 
 Waiter, I'll give you half a crown to tell me! 
 
 Larry. Troth, Miss, an' it's yersilf desarves to nab him for 
 nothing; but, bedad, I'll be afther takin' the half-crown! Out 
 this way, Miss ; it's off to the links he is. [EXIT both, r. 
 
 Norah. Oh, these apologies for men ! There's none of them 
 like my Fred, after all ! 
 
 ENTER Dr. Fred, disconsolately, l. 
 
 
Larry. 15 
 
 Feed. Wonder who she was? I saw a girl slipping through 
 the bushes awfully like my Norah. But it couldn't be. (Sighs) 
 Oh, Norah, Norah, I'd give the world to see you again ! 
 
 Norah ( sighs ) . Poor fellow ! 
 
 Fred (turns). What! Norah? 
 
 Norah (rises). Fred! (Sits again) No, don't come near 
 me! I hate you! (Handkerchief to eyes) You're a cruel, 
 heartless flirt! 
 
 Feed. Norah, darling, don't say that! If you'd only let me 
 explain. The girl you saw me with was my cousin, and she's 
 married. 
 
 Norah. Married! Then it doesn't matter! Oh, Fred, can 
 you forgive me? 
 
 Fred. My angel. (They embrace) 
 
 Norah. Fred, don't! Some one will see us! Follow me to 
 the garden. 
 
 Fred. To the end of the world, my cherub ! 
 
 [EXEUNT, lovingly, l. 
 
 ENTER Mes. Beach, b. 
 
 Mes. Beach. Larry! Larry! Dear, dear, there's never 
 five minutes in the day but I'm needing his advice ! 
 
 ENTER Laeey, e. 
 
 Laeey. Did I hear yer swate voice cryin' on me, misthress? 
 
 Mes. Beach. Yes, Larry. I'm in another pickle! The old 
 dowager in Number Nineteen wants champagne and oysters for 
 lunch — says she can't exist another day without them — and 
 there's not such a thing to be got in Bunker-on- Sea. 
 
 Laeey. Well, misthress, just you take her up ginger beer 
 and mussels, an' tell her they're just as good, an' bedad, a 
 moighty dale chaper! 
 
 Mes. Beach (warmly). Larry, you're a perfect wonder! I 
 don't know what I'd do without you! 
 
 Laeey (aside). Troth, an' that's a foine opening for me! 
 Bedad, I'll just " Take the bull by the horns," as me ould dad 
 used to say — an' pop the question right off! (Aloud) Mis- 
 thress, there's divil a bit av necessity for ye to do widout me at 
 all! I'm yours for loife, if ye loike! Sure, I know ye're as 
 good as ye're beautiful. It's mesilf that worships the very 
 ground ye trid on; an' if ye'll only say the word I'll make ye 
 Misthress Larry O'Reilly before the month's out! 
 
16 Larry. 
 
 Mrs. Beach (coyly). Oh, Larry, this is too sudden! Buti 
 if you really love me 
 
 Larry. I do that, sure, wid a heart an' a half! Come, 
 darlint, give me a kiss, an' we'll call the thing settled. (They 
 embrace) 
 
 ENTER Dr. Fred and Norah, l., arm-in-arm. 
 
 Norah (surprised). Father! 
 
 Mrs. Beach and Fred. Father? 
 
 Larry. Faith, " It's a wise choild that knows it's own father," 
 — as me ould dad used to say! Well, sure, the cat's out av 
 the bag now! (To Mrs. Beach) Yes, me jewel, Norah is me 
 own daughter, and I'm sure she's wan to be proud av ! Norah, 
 machree, let me present ye to Misthress O'Reilly the second. 
 An', by the same token, I see you and the young docthor have 
 made it up bet wane ye, too. I'm quite agreeable, so, bedad, 
 we're all happy ! Bless ye, me childhren, bless ye ! 
 
 ENTER Hon. Gough-Green, hurriedly, r., pursued ly Miss 
 Pankie, and off, l. 
 
 Pankie. Dear Mr. Gough-Green [EXEUNT, l. 
 
 Larry. Tin to wan on Pankie for the Matrimonial Stakes! 
 But what's this next? (Noise off l.) 
 
 ENTER Capt. Sparker, supporting Miss Tosh, loth muddy and 
 dishevelled. 
 
 Sparker and Tosh (groaning). Oh, oh, oh! 
 
 Larry. Saints presarve us! What's wrong now? 
 
 Sparker. Oh ! oh ! Had a beastly smash in my mowtah! 
 
 Larry. Well, it's mesilf tould ye, ye'd be betther off wid 
 a gig and a wee pony, sorr. 
 
 Sparker. The sparking-plug got involved with the differ- 
 ential gearing, and tore the sprockets off the accumulatah ! A 
 large cow was rapidly approaching; I saw it must eithaw be 
 the ditch or the cow, so with great presence of mind I 
 charged the cow ! 
 
 Tosh (clinging to him). Yes, it was noble of you, my gallant 
 life presurrver ! 
 
 Larry (aside). Bedad, I'm thinkin' it was the cow, an' not 
 the calf, that saved yer loife ! 
 
 Sparker. It was fearfully exciting — rathaw ! But the lady 
 
Larry. 17 
 
 heah was jolly plucky — made no screaming nor fuss! (To 
 Tosh) I say, you're just the sort of wife for a spawtsman! 
 Bay Jove, ye-as, I should like to take you for a long trip in 
 the matrimonial mowtah. 'Pon my honah — ya-as ! 
 
 Tosh. Well, I reckon you're just likely to suit me ! Shake ! 
 (They shake hands) 
 
 Larry. Hear, hear! Sure, an' ould Micky Tosh — ahem — I 
 mane to say yer pa in Amerricky, will be tarrible plazed! 
 Bless ye, me childhren, bless ye! 
 
 Hon. Gough-Geeen rushes on, l., crosses to r., Miss Pankie 
 holding his coat-tails. 
 
 Gottgh-Green. Let go, woman; let go, I tell you! 
 
 Larry. Fair play, Misther Gough-Green, fair play! Bedad, 
 an' she's caught ye this toime, right enough ! An' sure, it's a 
 shame to ye to be runnin' away from a leddy. Be jabers, 
 here's three av us have agreed to put up wid wan aich for 
 loife! An' for why should you not be afther doing the same, 
 now? 
 
 Gough-Green. But I don't want to be married — don't, abso- 
 lutely ! When I do, I'll take a wife who can show me some- 
 thing at golf. 
 
 Pankie. But, dear Mr. Gough-Green, if you would only 
 listen. I've been trying to tell you all morning! I played the 
 ninth hole in two yesterday ! 
 
 Gough-Green. Absolutely? Ah! That settles it! (They 
 embrace) We'll play over the course of life together! 
 
 Larry. An' may ye niver be bunkered all your days ! Bless 
 ye, me childhren, bless ye ! An' now, faix, we're all paired off 
 as nate as noinepince; an' bedad, if we live to the age av 
 Methusalum, we'll niver forget this blessed day 
 
 Mrs. Beach. And what we all owe to " Larry." 
 
 Sparker. Tosh. Larry. Mrs. Beach. 
 
 Pankie. Norah. 
 
 Gough-Green. Fred. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE 
 
 A Military Comedy-Drama in Four Acts, by CHARLES WALCOTT RUSSEU 
 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 Ten male (two may double), three female characters, and a child about five years 
 ©f age, viz. : Leading juvenile man, heavy, second^ heavy, light comedy, two low 
 comedians, strong old man, negro comedian, leading juvenile lady, walking lady and 
 negro girl comedian. One interior scene ; three exteriors, two of them closely similar. 
 Time of playing, two hours and a quarter. An excellent play, as all the parts are good 
 and evenly divided. Five comedy parts make it lively enough for any audience. The 
 leading parts are strongly drawn yet easily handled. A play of the Civil War that 
 will arouse no ill-feeling North or South. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur 
 production free. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 
 
 Act I.— The dance at Verley's house. The mysterious hand, disappearance of ;he 
 ice-cream and Bingo's dilemma. Teena's ingenious explanation. Dupr6's courting 
 and Kate Preston's defence of Elliott. Bingo and Teena. Dupre accuses Elliott of 
 cheating at cards. Dupre persistent, and Elliott's disgrace. 
 
 Act II. — The Federal Camp. Mickey Free loses a finger. Elliott arrives with 
 dispatches. Dupre's endeavor to obtain them. Elliott's arrest for assaulting his 
 superior officer, Dupre. Rescue of Marjorie. Heroism. 
 
 Act III. — Dupre's mean revenge. Kate's defence of Confederate generals. 
 Elliott's rescue of his Company's flag. " Sheridan's Cavalry never retreats!'* Preston 
 a prisoner of war. Elliott in charge of dispatches to Gen. Grant. Dupre accuses 
 Elliott of having served time in prison. "Yes, Victor Dupre, I spent two months of 
 my life in the military prison of Andersonville." Honor. 
 
 Act IV. — Sally Verley's jealousy. Preston's explanation. Elliott prepares foT 
 taking the dispatches to General Grant. The loaded cigar. Teena's assignation and 
 Bingo's opportunity. Preston refuses to steal the dispatches. Dupre's determination 
 overheard by Kate. "The dispatches have been stolen!" Detection of Dupr*. 
 Elliott's vindication. The dispatches unnecessary. " General Lee has surrendered.'' 
 
 WHAT'S NEXTT" 
 
 A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts, by BOB WATT 
 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 Seven male, four female characters, with four utility parts to be doubled by tht 
 preceding. If desired, a lot of school children can be worked into the first act. Two 
 interior scenes. School Room and Parlor; easily staged ; can be played in any hall. 
 Time of playing, two hours and a half. A " specialty " play that is simply three acts 
 of laugh. Has a first-rate leading soubrette role (Country Girl). Audiences will 
 giggle over this play for a month and then want to see it played again. 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 
 
 Act I.— The Bogtown District School. Chub's story. Scheme No. 1. ** Have 
 you a week-day and a Sunday name? " Poke's Pine Potion. The compact. Polly's 
 first lesson in love. One of the deestrict school board. Visitors. " Washington 
 crossing the Alps." Scheme No. 2. The school examination. Zeph makes a sensa- 
 tion. The young idea out shooting. "Danged if it ain't like the circus! "- 
 
 Act II. — Moses Madder's Studio in New York. _A domestic set-to. Willie 
 comes in, in a hurry. " Bwing on the girl and the minister." Polly paralyzes the 
 dude. "You're a pretty good liar, ain't you?" Hiring a "boomer." Chub and 
 Polly. Gertie gets gushing. Timothy Trenwith, from Texas. Zeph has another 
 conniption. Getting some points from the widow. A jolly row in the house. Willie 
 gets left. Madder's schemes grow shaky. "First scalp for Zeph ! " 
 
 Act III. — Scene as Before. A flattering arrangement. " Look here, 1 ain't no 
 angel ! " Polly's plan. Willie in trouble again. Gertie and the widow have another 
 tiff. Another scheme smashed. Mary Ann Fogarty on the servant question. Gertie 
 catches a man at last. "The circus is going to begin." Willie runs amuck with wan 
 av the foinest. Madder's masterpiece. The "boomer" takes a trick. "I'm as happy 
 as ef I owned the hull State of Texas ! " Gertie on the warpath. " O Chub, that 
 kerflumuxes me I" Willie and the widow. "I've got a little lie and I can't tell » 
 Hatchet." The last scheme knocked in the head e " What's NgXT?** 
 
ROBERT EMMET (New Version) 
 A Drama in three acts, revised by CHARLES TOWNSEND. 
 
 PRICE, 15 CENTS 
 
 -— . This new y ersJ °n°ft!? is ,§ reat historical drama, originally reauirincr elah. 
 S?i e ^ ene 7' IS T s«mpHfied> reducing the stage 'settings to four sce^nes^ 
 interiors and 2 exteriors, that it can easily be represented with the ordinfrt J 
 ina U i r dramaT 0Wn "* ViUagC ha " S ' but retainin ^he plot aTd action°of thKri?- 
 
 DRAMATI5 PERSONS 
 
 Robert Emmet, the Irish Patriot Sergeant Topfall) of th*» pwi; c k 
 
 8M£S«Kf *■ EmeraId Isle ESE^iSr } lrmy 
 
 £».?»&* Eramet iss; gsr } the Jud * es 
 
 Maria, Emmet's 1 Wife j UDY O'Doughertv, beloved by 
 
 Peasants Solders, Colleagues of Emmet's, Constables Jury. [Darby 
 Time of Representation. -Two Hours. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 
 
 ««.-£f T i'T^ s Py»- u .where have I seen that mug before? " The dise-uise th* 
 
 nv/^hl'Ti^u e V\ s h u OI ? e - th e letter, •« I shall be home to-day." The wife's 
 tiS^JSSZ^iJSS^ The secret conclave, h. ggS** 
 
 BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE; 
 
 OR, SHE WOULD BE A WIDOW 
 
 An Original Farce-Comedy in Three Acts, for Laughing Purposes Only 
 
 By LEVIN C. TEES 
 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 eent^men^ndfouriS 6 ^ i te '2- Cby do " blin S« the P ie <* can be played by seven 
 
 SYNOPSIS OP INCIDENTS 
 
 Act I.-Dr. Syrup's office. An M.D. in the dumps. " When are vou coin? to nav 
 
 Encl7Abd^cnem e y? r, ¥ak - Ing ' em feel a $ hom «- Poor Willie. sS^XrgliZ 
 Uncle Abel s scheme. Daisy in a scrape. An unprincipled plumber with a classira 
 Fiftv dX^ fo A r d T ty K Sh T ff £ kin g^k on the quiet. ^hrowinV^tThe wwng^a? 
 Arx TT f ° rahusban d- Doctor, the bath-tub is busted and the house is afloat 
 wan after 51 "fe ? Butternut's bride in Madison Avenue. Not such a soft 
 T^aHa.1' 1 a> u l wm , m y Wlfes affections, I'll raise your wages," Willie 
 The do«or andrt? under* *** P^ OI ? a ^^intances hatch a nice iittle plo ! 
 ^ontM g reTe g s schLTo^i ™£ fefi^ 
 
 f«,*kf 1 r d parlor at Dover - Uncle Abel, bent on vengeance sets a tran 
 S^^TbSW" Se e, f "'Tt" biCy , C ; e -,/' Sbe bou S ht y°» for g lTb lot and go? 
 fiakine a wilTS? a h,,^, ^'q"- T . ellln S *>« all.' Willie's infernal machine. 
 anothef chanced hS« -rl S - V ^ P g , 1VCS ?P b ,° xin S Iessons ' and the doctor gets 
 »«?o h n%ne h m^^^^ 
 
THE EAST SIDERS 
 
 A Comedy Drama in Three Acts, by ANTHONY E. WILLJg 
 
 PRICE, 25 CENTS 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 £mil Schultz, an old tailor Old German 
 
 Paul Albers, in his employ Character Heavy 
 
 James Keegan, a typical New Yorker Comedy 
 
 Robert Perry, an actor Lead 
 
 Daniel Jarvis, a prosperous merchant Character old man 
 
 Clarence Frothingham, a dry-goods clerk Dude 
 
 Officer McNally, a policeman Comedy 
 
 Otto Werner, a street musician German comedy 
 
 Mrs. Schultz, the tailor's wife Old lady comedy 
 
 Edna Schultz, her daughter Lead 
 
 Lieutenant Brockway, a Salvation lassie Straight 
 
 Dolly Hammond, who lives upstairs Soubrette 
 
 One Interior Stage-setting. — Time, 2 Hours. 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 
 
 Act I. — New Year's Eve. Paul Albers arrives, expecting to marry 
 Edna. Mr. Jarvis hears some plain truths. The mistake of Clarence. The 
 mortgage. The marriage of Edna and Perry announced. Edna driven from 
 home. 
 
 Act II. — July, eighteen months later. Jarvis opens the big store. 
 McNally receives a scare. Paul's gambling. Good advice thrown away. 
 The overdue mortgage. Paul's theft. Edna accused. 
 
 Act III. — October, three months later. The distress of Schultz. 
 Sheriff in charge. Edna's operatic success. An obdurate father. Arrest 
 of Paul. Some lively bidding. Dolly's purchase. Schultz relents. Every- 
 body happy. 
 
 ROCKY FORD 
 
 A Western Drama in Four Acts 
 
 By BURTON L. SPILLER 
 
 PRICE, 25 CENTS 
 
 Eight male (2 may double), three female characters. One exterior, two 
 interior scenes. Time, 2 hours. The action revolves around the theft of a 
 will by a gentlemanly villain, whereby Jack, a young ranchman (lead), 
 nearly loses not only a fortune, but also his affianced bride. Jack's two 
 cowboy friends come to his rescue, however, and through their timely 
 interference the plan to defraud him is foiled. A Kentucky major and « 
 middle-aged spinster have excellent comedy parts. 
 
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 25 CENTS EACH 
 
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 25 CENTS EACH 
 
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 BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2% hours 11 
 
 COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 
 
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 DEACON. 5 Acts; 2% hours 8 
 
 DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 
 
 DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hours 6 
 
 EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting ........ 8 
 
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 GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 5 
 
 GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 5 
 
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 JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 2\i hours 6 
 
 JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2hours 7 
 
 MY LADY DARRELL. 4Acts; 2)4 hours 9 
 
 MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2}4 hours 13 
 
 NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;3homs 5 
 
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