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V- 
 
 Little Masterpieces 
 
 Edited by Bliss Perry 
 
 JONATHAN SWIFT 
 
 SELECTIONS FROM 
 
 The Journal to Stella A Tale of a Tub 
 
 Personal Letters and Gulliver's Travels 
 
 TOGETHER JVITH 
 
 The Drapier's Letters — L 
 Sleeping in Church A Modest Proposal 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 DOUBLEDAV, PAGE & COMPANY 
 
 1901 
 
VW'^' 
 
 THP LiBRARY OF 
 OONGRESS, 
 
 Two CuHiM Received 
 
 DEC. 9 1901 
 
 CePYRIQHT ENTRY 
 
 CLASS C^^XXCv NO. 
 COPY B. 
 
 Copyright, 1901, by 
 
 DOUBLEDAY, PaGE & CoMPANY 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Editor's Introduction, . • . vii 
 
 Journal to Stella: 
 
 Selected Passages, .... 3 
 
 Personal Letters: 
 
 To Lord-Treasurer Oxford, . • 35 
 
 To Lord Bolingbroke, ... 37 
 
 To Mr. Pope, 4.2 
 
 To Mr. Worrall, .... 46 
 
 To Mr. Pope, 4^9 
 
 A Tale of a Tub: 
 
 Of a Father and liis Three Sons, . 55 
 
 Sleeping in Church, .... 73 
 
 The Drapier's Letters, L, • • • 89 
 
 A Modest Proposal, .... 109 
 Gulliver's Travels: 
 
 The Arrival in Lilliput, . . • 129 
 
 The Diversions of the Court, . • 141 
 
Contents 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Arrival in Brobdingnag, , . 145 
 The King Enquires about England, 151 
 The Philosophers of Laputa, . .160 
 The English Yahoos, . . .173 
 
 The Dean's Epitaph, .... 181 
 
 Yl 
 
Editor's Introduction 
 
Editor's Introduction. 
 
 The admirers of Swift who maj^ chance to 
 turn the leaves of this httle voUime will be 
 interested, I think, to find that it opens with 
 passages from the "Journal to Stella." 
 Many of the books in the Little Masterpieces 
 series have contained personalia of one sort 
 or another, but in none of the volumes hith- 
 erto has the intimate life of the writer rep- 
 resented been so emphasized in the order of 
 selections. But readers who know Swift will 
 recognize ^vhat is gained bj taking first of 
 all a look at that strange writer's heart as it 
 is revealed in his daily journal. Vivid as are 
 its off-hand sketches of famous men and of 
 Jyondon in a noteworthy era, the fascination 
 of the "Journal to Stella" lies in the ex- 
 traordinary picture it aflfords of Jonathan 
 Swift. Readers who know him vaguely as 
 the author of "Gulliver's Travels" and of 
 some morose satire will do well to note the 
 playful, affectionate, sunny side of the man's 
 nature as he corresponds with Esther John- 
 son about the trifles of each passing day. 
 One's whole thought of Swift grows more 
 tender and more just if he is approached 
 through the "Journal." 
 
 Next come a few letters to personal friends 
 
Editor's Introduction 
 
 like Oxford, Bolingbroke, and Pope. Always 
 an admirable letter-writer, Swift reveals new 
 elements of his singular personality in each 
 of the letters given here. These are followed 
 by some brilliant pages from "A Tale of a 
 Tub." "Good God!" Swift was heard mur- 
 muring to himself in his sad old age, as he 
 turned the pages of the "Tale," "what a 
 genius I had when I wrote that book!" No 
 one who reads understandingh' the parable 
 of the Three Sons will deny the genius or the 
 daring. 
 
 Very few people are aware of the scrupu- 
 lous fidelity w^ith w^hich Swift performed his 
 ecclesiastical duties. His sermons are even 
 less read than Sterne's, and 3'et there will be 
 some readers of this book who will thor- 
 oughly enjo}^ the Dean's wise and witt}^ and 
 on the whole really edif^nng discourse on 
 "Sleeping in Church." 
 
 In the next two selections, the Dean is 
 preaching politics ; blandly and with assumed 
 simplicity in the first of the Drapier's Letters, 
 savagely though with terrible calmness in 
 his "Modest Proposal for Preventing the 
 Children of Poor People in Ireland from 
 being a Burden to their Parents." "The 
 Drapier's Letters" made the Dean of St. 
 Patrick's a national hero, fault\^ as some of 
 his financial logic ma}'- have been; "The 
 Modest Proposal" has won a fearful immor- 
 tality in the literature of irony. 
 
Editor's Introduction 
 
 Politics is also the inspiration of "Gulli- 
 ver's Travels," though for nearly three 
 hundred years children have been so persist- 
 ently luckj^ as never to discover the real 
 animus of the book. That it is a triumph of 
 stor\'-telling everybody knows. It is writ- 
 ten, like the books of Brobdingnag, in a 
 style "clear, masculine, and smooth." But 
 how much hatred and scorn that smooth 
 style conceals from the innocent eyes of 
 childhood ! I have given passages from each 
 of the four voyages of Captain Lemuel Gul- 
 liver, choosing from the repulsive fourth 
 section only that chapter which describes 
 the warfare of Christian Europe. 
 
 Last of all, I have printed the Dean's 
 epitaph, composed by his own hand. It sets 
 a final seal upon the life and work of one of 
 the most gifted and surely the most unhappy 
 of English men of letters. 
 
 Bliss Perry. 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
Journal to Stella. 
 SELECTED PASSAGES. 
 
 [Swift arrived in London in September, 1710, 
 having been sent thither by the Irish bishops to 
 look after the interests of the Irish (Protestant) 
 Church. He remained until April, 1713, when he 
 received his appointment as Dean of St. Patrick's, 
 in recognition of his services both to the Church 
 and to the Tory party, with whose leaders he 
 had enjoyed two years of close intimacy. During 
 his entire stay he wrote a daily letter, in journal 
 form, to two women friends in Ireland. One of 
 these friends was Esther Johnson (Stella), to 
 whom he vv^as attached by a long and peculiar 
 friendship; the other was her companion Mrs. 
 Dingley. Swift's relations with Stella have been a 
 constant puzzle to his biographers. There seems 
 little if any evidence to prove that a marriage 
 ceremony took place, as has been alleged, in 
 1716. It is certain that they never lived together, 
 and quite unnecessary to believe that they were 
 bound by any tie save that of natural aifection. 
 Of the sincerity of that affection, the Journal is 
 ample proof 
 
 These daily letters contain many abbreviations 
 and catchwords whose significance is not always 
 clear. They are full of the "little language," such 
 as is spoken by a child. Swift often uses, instead 
 of his own name, the letters Pdfr (possibly Poor 
 dear foolish rogue). Stella is Ppt (Poor pretty 
 thing). MD (my dears) usually stands for both 
 Stella and Mrs. Dingley, but sometimes for Stella 
 alone. Mrs. Dingley is indicated by ME (Madam 
 Elderly), D, or DD. (Dear Dingley). 
 3 
 
Swift 
 
 For full explanation of such details, and for 
 comment upon the mass of persons and events 
 casually referred to in the Journal, the reader 
 should consult the excellent annotated editions of 
 Ryland and Aitken. The passages selected for this 
 volume, however, need little or no comment. 
 They give an unrivalled picture of London in the 
 last years of Queen Anne. They show the great 
 men of that age in their habit as they lived. But 
 above all the pages of the Journal, opened any- 
 where, reveal the heart of the strange and gifted 
 man who penned them.] 
 
 September 10,1710. To-daj'- 1 dined with 
 lord Mountjo}^ at Kensington; saw my mis- 
 tress, Oph}^ Butler's wife, who is grown a 
 little charmless. I sat till ten in the evening 
 with Addison and Steele : Steele will certainly 
 lose his gazetteer's place, all the world de- 
 testing his engaging in parties. At ten I 
 went to the coffee-house, hoping to find 
 lord Radnor, whom I had not seen. He was 
 there; for an hour and a half we talked 
 treason heartily against the Whigs, their 
 baseness and ingratitude. And I am come 
 home rolling resentments in my mind, and 
 framing schemes of revenge: full of which 
 (having written down some hints) I go to 
 bed. I am afraid MD dined at home, because 
 it is Sunday; and there was the little half- 
 pint of wine; for God's sake be good girls, 
 and all will be well. Ben Tooke was with 
 me this morning. 
 
 September 11. Seven morning. I am ris- 
 ing to go to Jervis, to finish m}^ picture, and 
 4 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 it is shaving day, so good morrow, MT> ; but 
 do not keep me now, for I cannot sta^^ ; and 
 pray dine with the dean, but do not lose 
 your money. I long to hear from you, &c. 
 — Ten at night. I sat four hours this morn- 
 ing to Jervis, who has given my picture quite 
 another turn, and now approves it entirely : 
 but we must have the approbation of the 
 town. If I were rich enough I would get a 
 copy of it, and bring it over. Mr. Addison 
 and I dined together at his lodgings, and I 
 sat with him part of this evening ; and I am 
 now come home to write an hour. Patrick 
 observes that the rabble here are much more 
 inquisitive in politics than in Ireland. Every 
 day we expect changes, and the parliament 
 to be dissolved. Lord Wharton expects every 
 day to be out: he is working Uke a horse for 
 elections ; and, in short, I never saw so great 
 a ferment among all sorts of people. I had 
 a miserable letter from Joe last Saturday, 
 telling me Mr. Pratt refuses payment of his 
 money. I have told it Mr. Addison, and will 
 to lord Wharton; but I fear with no success. 
 However, I will do all I can. 
 
 September 14. To-day I saw Patty Rolt, 
 who heard I was in town ; and I dined with 
 Stratford at a merchant's in the citj^, where 
 I drank the first tokay wine I ever saw ; and 
 it is admirable, yet not to a degree I ex- 
 pected. Stratford is worth a plumb, and is 
 now lending the government forty thousand 
 5 
 
Swift 
 
 pounds; j^et we were educated together at 
 the same school and university. We hear the 
 chancellor is to be suddenly out, and sir 
 Simon Harcourt to succeed him. I am come 
 early home, not caring for the coffee-house. 
 
 September 18. To-day I dined with Mr. 
 Stratford at Mr. Addison's retirement near 
 Chelsea ; then came to town ; got home early, 
 and began a letter to the Tatler, about the 
 corruption of style and writing, &c. ; and 
 having not heard from you, am resolved this 
 letter shall go to-night. Lord Wharton was 
 sent for to town in might}^ haste by the 
 duke of Devonshire ; they have some project 
 in hand; but it will not do, for ever^^ hour 
 we expect a thorough revolution, and that 
 the ])arliament will be dissolved. W'hen you 
 see Joe, tell him lord Wharton is too busy to 
 mind any of his affairs; but I will get what 
 good offices I can from Mr. Addison, and 
 will write to-da^" to Mr. Pratt ; and bid Joe 
 not to be discouraged, for I am confident he 
 will get the money under any government; 
 but he must have patience. 
 
 October 7. I wonder when this letter will 
 be finished: it must go b_v Tuesday', that is 
 certain ; and if I have one from MD before, I 
 will not answer it, that is as certain too! 
 It is now morning, and I did not finish my 
 papers for Mr. Harle\' last night; for you 
 must understand Presto was sleepy, and 
 made blunders and blots. Very pretty that 
 6 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 I must be writing to young women in a 
 morning fresh and fasting, faith. Well, good 
 morrow to you ; and so I go to business, 
 and lay aside this joaper till night, sirrahs. 
 At night. — Jack Howe told Harley **that if 
 there were a lower place in hell than another, 
 it was reserved for his porter, who tells lies 
 so gravely and with so civil a manner." 
 This porter I have had to deal with, going 
 this evening at four to visit Mr. Harley, by 
 his own appointment. But the fellow told 
 me no lie, though I suspected every word he 
 said. He told me "his master was just gone 
 to dinner, with much company, and desired 
 I would come an hour hence," which I did, 
 expecting to hear Mr. Harley was gone out ; 
 but they had just done dinner. Mr. Harley 
 came out to me, brought me in, and pre- 
 sented me to his son-in-law lord Doblane ( or 
 some such name), and his own son, and 
 among others Will Penn the Quaker : we sat 
 two hours drinking as good wine as you do ; 
 and two hours more he and I alone ; where 
 he heard me tell my business, entered into it 
 with all kindness, asked for my powers, and 
 read them ; and read likewise a memorial I 
 had drawn up, and put it in his pocket to 
 show the queen, told me the measures he 
 would take, and, in short, said ever\^ thing I 
 could wish; told me he must bring Mr. St. 
 John, secretary of state, and me acquainted; 
 and spoke so many things of personal kind- 
 7 
 
Swift 
 
 ness and esteem for me, that I am inclined 
 half to believe what some friends have told 
 me, that he would do everything to bring me 
 over. He has desired to dine with me (what 
 a comical mistake was that !) — I mean he has 
 desired me to dine with him on Tuesdaj^ 
 and, after four hours being with him, set me 
 down at St. James's Coffeehouse in a hack- 
 ney coach. All this is odd and comical, if 
 you consider him and me. He knew my 
 Christian name very well. I could not for- 
 bear saying thus much upon this matter, 
 although you will think it tedious. But I 
 will tell you : you must know it is fatal to me 
 to be a scoundrel and a prince the same day ; 
 for being to see him at four, I could not en- 
 gage im^self to dine at any friend's; so I 
 went to Tooke to give him a ballad and dine 
 with him, but he was not at home ; so I was 
 forced to go to a blind chophouse, and dine 
 for tenpence upon gill ale, bad broth, and 
 three chops of mutton; and then go reeking 
 from thence to the first minister of state. 
 And now I am going in charity to send Steele 
 a Tatler, v^'-ho is very low of late. I think I 
 am civiller than I used to be, and have not 
 used the expression of "you in Ireland" and 
 "ire in England," as I did when I was here 
 before, to j^our great indignation. The\' may 
 talk of the you know what;* but, gad, if it 
 
 * These words plainly refer to the "Tale of a 
 Tub." 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 had not been for that I should never have 
 been able to get the access I have had ; and 
 if that helps me to succeed, then that same 
 thing will be serviceable to the church. But 
 how far we must depend upon new friends I 
 have learnt by long practice, though I think, 
 among great ministers, thej^ are just as good 
 as old ones. And so I think this important 
 day has made a great hole in this side of the 
 paper; and the fiddle-faddles of to-morrov^ 
 and Monday will make up the rest ; and, be- 
 sides, I shall see Harley on Tuesday before 
 this letter goes. 
 
 October 20. To-day I went to Mr. Lewis, 
 at the secretary's office, to know v\,"hen I 
 might see Mr. Harley ; and by-and-by comes 
 •up Mr. Harley himself, and appoints me to 
 dine with him to-morrov^^ I dined with Mrs. 
 Vanhomrigh, and went to wait on the two 
 l?dy Butlers, but the porter answered they 
 were not at home; the meaning v^^as, the 
 youngest, lady Mary, is to be married to- 
 morrow to lord Ashburnham, the best match 
 now in England, twelve thousand pounds a 
 year, and abundance of monej^. Tell me hov^ 
 my Shower is liked in Ireland : I never knew 
 anything pass better here. I spent the even- 
 ing with Wortley Montague and Mr. Addi- 
 son, over a bottle of Irish wine. Do they 
 know anything in Ireland of my greatness 
 among the Tories? Everybody reproaches 
 me of it here; but I value them not. Have 
 9 
 
Swift 
 
 you heard of the verses about the Rod of 
 Sid Hamet? Say nothing of them for your 
 life. Hardly anybod}^ suspects me for them, 
 only they think nobod}^ but Prior or I could 
 write them. But I doubt they have not 
 reached you. There is likewise a ballad, full 
 of puns, on the Westminster election, that 
 cost me half an hour: it runs, though it be 
 good for nothing. But this is likewise a 
 secret to all but MD. If you have them not, 
 I will bring them over. 
 
 October 23. I know it is neither wit nor 
 diversion to tell 3'ou ever}' day where I dine, 
 neither do I write it to fill my letter; but I 
 fancy I shall, some time or other, have the 
 curiosity of seeing some particulars how I 
 passed my life when I was absent from MD 
 this time; and so I tell you now that I 
 dined to-day at Molesworth's, the Florence 
 envo\^ ; then went to the coffee-house, where 
 I behaved myself coldly enough to Mr. Addi- 
 son, and so came home to scribble. We dine 
 together to-morrow and next day by invita- 
 tion; but I shall alter my behaviour to him, 
 till he begs my pardon, or else we shall grow 
 bare acquaintance. I am wear^^ of friends, 
 and friendships are all monsters but MD's. 
 
 November 11. I dined to-day, by invita- 
 tion, with the secretary of state, Mr. St. 
 John. Mr. Harley came into us before din- 
 ner, and made me his excuses for not dining 
 with us, because he was to receive people 
 10 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 Avho came to propose advancing money to 
 the government: there dined with us only 
 Mr. Lewis, and Dr. Freind [a celebrated 
 physician and philosopher,] that writ lord 
 Peterborow's actions in Spain. I stayed 
 with them till just now, between ten and 
 eleven, and was forced again to give m\' 8th 
 to the bellman, which I did with my own 
 hands, rather than keep it till next post. 
 The secretary used me with all the kindness 
 in the world. Prior came in after dinner; 
 and upon an occasion, he (the secretary) 
 said, the best thing he ever read is not j^ours, 
 but Dr. Swift's on Vanbrugh ; which I do not 
 reckon so ver^^ good neither. But Prior was 
 damped until I stuffed him with two or three 
 compliments. I am thinking what a venera- 
 tion we used to have for Sir William Temple, 
 because he might have been secretarj^ of state 
 at fifty; and here is a young fellow, hardly 
 thirty, in that employment. His father is a 
 man of pleasure, that walks the Mall, and 
 frequents St. James's coffee-house, and the 
 chocolate-houses,* and the young son is prin- 
 cipal secretary of state. Is there not some- 
 thing very odd in that? He told me, among 
 other things, that Mr. Harley complained he 
 could keep nothing from me, I had the way 
 so much of getting into him. I knew^ that 
 was a refinement ; and so I told him, and it 
 was so: indeed it is hard to see these great 
 
 *Sir Henry St. John, father of the Statesman. 
 11 
 
Swift 
 
 men use me like one who was their betters, 
 and the puppies wnth you in Ireland hardly 
 regarding me : but there are some reasons for 
 all this, which I will tell you when we meet. 
 At coming home I saw a letter from your 
 mother, in answer to one I sent her two days 
 ago. It seems she is in town; but cannot 
 come out in a m.orning, just as you said, and 
 God knows when I shall be at leisure in an 
 afternoon ; for if I should send her a penny- 
 post letter, and afterwards not be able to 
 meet her, it would vex me ; and, besides, the 
 days are short, and why she cannot come 
 early in a morning before she is wanted I 
 cannot imagine. I will desire her to let lady 
 Giffard know that she hears I am in town, 
 and that she would go to see me to inquire 
 after you. I wonder she will confine herself 
 so much to that old beast's humour. You 
 know I cannot in honour see lad^^GiflTard, and 
 consequently not go into her house. This I 
 think is enough for the first time. 
 
 November 19. I dined to-da}^ with poor 
 lord Mountjo\^, who is ill of the gout ; and 
 this evening I christened our coflTeeman El- 
 liot's child; where the rogue had a most 
 noble supper, and Steele and I sat among 
 some scurvy company over a bowl of punch, 
 so that I am come home late, young women, 
 and cannot stay to write to little rogues. 
 
 December 2. Steele, the rogue, has done 
 the impudentest thing in the world ; he said 
 12 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 something in a Taller, that we ought to use 
 the word Great Britain, and not England, in 
 common conversation ; as, the finest lady in 
 Great Britain, &c. Upon this Rowe, Prior, 
 and I sent him a letter, turning this into 
 ridicule. He has to-day printed the letter, 
 and signed it J. vS., M. P., and N. R., the first 
 letters of our names. Congreve told me to- 
 day he smoked it immediately. Congreve 
 and I, and Sir Charles Wager, dined to-day 
 at Delaval's, the Portugal envoy; and I 
 stayed there till eight, and came home, and 
 am now writing to you befi3re I do business, 
 because that dog Patrick is not at home, 
 and the fire is not made, and I am not in 
 my gear. Pox take him : — 1 was looking by 
 chance at the top of this side, and find I 
 made plaguy mistakes in w^ords ; so that you 
 must fence against that as well as bad want- 
 ing. Faith, I cannot, nor will not read what 
 I have written. (Pox of this puppy !) Well, 
 I will leave you till I am got to bed, and 
 then I will say a word or two. Well, it is 
 now almost twelve, and I have been busy 
 ever since, by a fire too (I have my coals by 
 half a bushel at a time, I will assure you), 
 and now I am got to bed. Well, and what 
 have you to say to Presto now he is abed? 
 Come, now, let us hear your speeches. No, 
 it is a lie, lam not sleepy yet. Let us sit up 
 a little longer, and talk. Well, where have 
 you been to-day, that you are but just this 
 13 
 
Swift 
 
 minute come home in a coach? What have 
 yon lost? Pa}^ the coachman, Stella. No, 
 faith, not I, he will -grumble. What new 
 acquaintance have vou got? come, let us 
 hear. I have made Delaval promise to send 
 me some Brazil tobacco from Portugal for 
 jou, madam Dingle^^ I hope yon will have 
 3^our chocolate and spectacles before this 
 comes to you. 
 
 December 17. I went to court to seek a 
 dinner, but the queen was not at church, she 
 has got a touch of the gout; so the court 
 was thin, and I went to the coffee-house ; and 
 sir Thomas Frankland and his eldest son and 
 I went and dined with his son William. I 
 talked a great deal to sir Thomas about 
 Manle}^, and find he is his good friend, and 
 so has Ned Southwell been, and I hope he 
 will be safe though all the Irish folks here are 
 his mortal enemies. There was a devilish 
 bite to-day. They had it, I knew not how, 
 that I was to preach this morning at St. 
 James's church, and abundance went, among 
 the rest lord Radnor, who never is abroad 
 till three in the afternoon. I walked all the 
 way home from Hatton-garden at six, by 
 moonlight, a delicate night. Raymond called 
 at nine, but I was denied, and now I am in 
 bed between eleven and twelve, just going to 
 sleep, and dream of my own dear roguish 
 impudent prett\^ MD. 
 
 January 2, 1711. I went this morning 
 14 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 early to the secretary of state, Mr. St. John, 
 and he told me from Mr. Harley, that the 
 warrant was now drawn, in order for a 
 patent for the first-fruits: it must pass 
 through several offices and take up some 
 time, because in things the queen gives they 
 are always considerate ; but that he assures 
 me it is granted and done, and past all dis- 
 pute, and desires I will not be in Rny pain at 
 all. I v/ill write again to the archbishop to- 
 morrow, and tell him this, and I desire you 
 will say it on occasion. From the secretary 
 I went to Mr. Sterne, who said he would 
 write to you to-night, and that the box must 
 be at Chester, and that some friend of his 
 goes very soon, and will carrj^ it over. I 
 dined with Mr. secretary St. John, and at six 
 went to DarteneuPs house to drink punch 
 with him, and Mr. Addison, and little Harri- 
 Gon, a young poet whose fortune I am mak- 
 ing, Steele was to have been there, but came 
 not, nor never did twice since I knew him to 
 any appointment. I stayed till past eleven, 
 and am now in bed. Steele's last Tatler 
 came out to-da\'. You will see it before this 
 comes to you, and how he takes leave of the 
 world. He never told so much as Mr. Addi- 
 son of it, w^ho w^as surprised as much as I; 
 but to say the truth, it was time, for he 
 grew cruel dull and dry. To my knowledge 
 he had several good hints to go upon: but 
 he was so lazy and weak of the work, that 
 15 
 
Swift 
 
 he would not improve them. I think I will 
 send this after to-morrow : shall I before it is 
 full, Dinglej? 
 
 January 3. Lord Peterborow yesterday 
 called me into a barber's shop, and there we 
 talked deep politics: he desired me to dine 
 with him to-day at the Globe in the Strand : 
 he said he would show me so clearly how to 
 get Spain, that I could not possibh^ doubt 
 it. I went to-daj^ accordingly, and saw him 
 among half a dozen la\\r\^ers and attorneys 
 and hang-dogs, signing deeds and stuff be- 
 fore his journey; for he goes to-morrow to 
 Vienna. I sat among that scurvy company 
 till after four, but heard nothing of Spain; 
 onh^ I find b}' what he told me before, that 
 he fears he shall do no good in his present 
 journey. We are to be mighty constant cor- 
 respondents. So I took my leave of him, and 
 called at sir Andrew Fountaine's, who mends 
 much. I came home an't please you at six, 
 and have been studying till no\v past eleven. 
 
 January 11. I am setting up a new Tat- 
 ler, little Harrison, whom I have mentioned 
 to \'ou. Others have put him on it, and I 
 encourage him; and he was with me this 
 morning and evening, showing me his first, 
 which comes out on Saturday. I doubt he 
 will not succeed, for I do not much approve 
 his manner; but the scheme is Mr. Secretary 
 St. John's and mine, and would have done 
 well enough in good hands. I recommended 
 16 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 him to a printer, whom I sent for, and set- 
 tled the matter between them this evening. 
 Harrison has just left me, and I am tired 
 with correcting his trash. 
 
 January 12. I was this morning upon 
 some business with Mr. Secretary St. John, 
 and he made me promise to dine with him, 
 which otherwise I would have done with 
 Mr. Harley, whom I have not been with these 
 ten days. I cannot but think they have 
 mighty difficulties upon them ; yet I always 
 find them as easy and disengaged as school- 
 boys on a holiday. Harley has the procuring 
 of five or six millions on his shoulders, and 
 the Whigs will not lend a groat ; which is the 
 onl}^ reason of the fall of stocks; for they are 
 like Quakers and fanatics, that will only deal 
 among themselves, while all others deal in- 
 differently w^ith them. Lady Marlborough 
 offers, if they will let her keep her employ- 
 ments, never to come into the queen's pres- 
 ence. The Whigs say the duke of Marlbor- 
 ough will serve no more; but I hope and 
 think otherwise. I would to heaven I v^ere 
 this minute with MD at Dublin; for I am 
 weary of politics that give me such melan- 
 choly prospects. 
 
 January 14. faith, young woman, I 
 want a letter from MD; it is now nineteen 
 daj^s since I had the last ; and where have I 
 room to answer it, pray? I hope I shall send 
 this away without any answer at all ; for I 
 2 17 
 
Swift 
 
 will hasten it, and away it goes on Tuesday, 
 by which time this side will be full. I will 
 send it two days sooner on purpose out of 
 spite, and the very next day after, you must 
 know, your letter will come, and then it is 
 too late, and I will so laugh, never saw the 
 like! It is spring with us already, I ate 
 asparagus the other da3\ Did you ever see 
 such a frostless winter? Sir Andrew Foun- 
 taine lies still extremely ill ; it costs him ten 
 guineas a day to doctors, surgeons, and apoth- 
 ecaries, and has done so these three weeks. 
 I dined to-day with Mr. Ford: he some- 
 times chooses to dine at home, and I am con- 
 tent to dine with him : and at night I called 
 at the coffee-house, where I had not been a 
 week, and talked coldly awhile with Mr. 
 Addison : all our friendship and deamess are 
 off: we are civil acquaintance, talked words 
 of course, of when we shall meet, and that is 
 all. I have not been at any house with him 
 these six weeks: the other day we were to 
 have dined together at the comptroller's ; but 
 I sent m}^ excuses, being engaged to the secre- 
 tary of state. Is not it odd? But I think he 
 has used me ill, and I have used him too 
 well, at least his friend Steele. 
 
 March 16. Have 3'ou seen the Spectator 
 yet, a paper that comes out every day? It 
 is written by Mr. Steele, who seems to have 
 gathered new life, and have a new fund of 
 wit ; it is in the same nature as his Tatlers, 
 18 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 and they have all of them had something 
 pretty. I beheve Addison and he club. I 
 never see them ; and I plainly told Mr. Har- 
 W and Mr. St. John ten days ago, before 
 my lord-keeper and lord Rivers, I had been 
 foolish enough to spend my credit with them 
 in favour of Addison and Steele ; but that I 
 would engage and promise never to say one 
 word in their behalf, having been used so ill 
 for what I had already' done. So, now I 
 have got into the way of prating again, 
 there will be no quiet for me. 
 
 When Presto begins to prate, 
 Give him a rap upon the pate. 
 
 O Lord, how I blot; it is time to leave off, 
 &c. 
 
 March 19. I went to-day into the city, 
 but in a coach, tossed up m^' leg on the seat ; 
 and, as I came home, I went to see poor 
 Charles Bernard's books, which are to be 
 sold by auction, and I itch to lay out nine 
 or ten pounds for some fine editions of fine 
 authors. But it is too far, and I shall 
 let it slip, as I usualh^ do all such oppor- 
 tunities. I dined in a cofiee-house with Strat- 
 ford upon chops, and some of his wnne. 
 Where did MD dine? Why, poor MD dined at 
 home to-day, because of the archbishop, and 
 they could not go abroad, and had a breast 
 of mutton and a pint of wine. I hope Mrs. 
 Walls mends ; and pray give me an account 
 19 
 
Swift 
 
 what sort of godfather I made, and whether 
 I behaved m^^self handsomel\^ The duke of 
 Argyle is gone; and whether he has my 
 memorial I know not, till I see Dr. Arbuth- 
 not, to whom I gave it. That hard name 
 belongs to a Scotch doctor, an acquaintance 
 of the duke's and me; Stella cannot pro- 
 nounce it. that we were at Laracor this 
 fine day ! the w^illows begin to peep, and the 
 quick to bud. My dream is out: I was 
 dreaming last night that I eat ripe cherries. 
 And now the^^ begin to catch the pikes, and 
 "will shortly the trouts (pox on these min- 
 isters), and I would fain know whether the 
 floods were ever so high as to get over the 
 hoU}^ bank or the river walk ; if so, then all 
 my pikes are gone ; but I hope not. Whj^ do 
 not you ask Parvisol these things, sirrahs? 
 And then my canal, and trouts, and whether 
 the bottom be fine and clear? But harkee, 
 ought not Parvisol to pay in my last year's 
 rents and arrears out of his hands? I am 
 thinking, if either of you have heads to take 
 his accounts, it should be paid into you; 
 otherwise to Mr. Walls. I will write an 
 order on the other side ; and do as you will. 
 Here is a world of business ; but I must go 
 sleep, I am drows}-, and so good night, &c. 
 April 5. Morning. — Now let us proceed to 
 examine a saucy letter fi-om one madam MD. 
 God Almighty bless poor dear Stella, and 
 send her a great man\' birthdays, all happy, 
 20 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 and healthy, and wealthy, and with me ever 
 together, and never asunder again, unless by 
 chance. When I find you are happy or merry 
 there, it makes me so here, and I can hardly 
 imagine you absent when I am reading your 
 letter or writing to 3'ou. No, faith, 3^ou are 
 just here upon this little paper, and therefore 
 I see and talk with you every evening con- 
 stantly, and sometimes in the morning, but 
 not always in the morning, because that is 
 not so modest to ^^oung ladies. 
 
 January 22. I went late to-daj^ to town, 
 and dined with my friend Lewis. I saw Will 
 Congreve attending at the treasury, by 
 order, with his brethren, the commissioners 
 of the wine-licenses. I had often mentioned 
 him with kindness to lord-treasurer ; and Con- 
 greve told me, that after they had answered 
 to what they were sent for, m^^ lord called 
 him privately, and spoke to him with great 
 kindness, promising his protection, &c. The 
 poor man said he had been used so ill of late 
 years, that he was quite astonished at my 
 lord's goodness, &c., and desired me to tell 
 my lord so ; which I did this evening, and 
 recommended him heartil}^ My lord assured 
 me he esteemed him very much, and would 
 be always kind to him; that what he said 
 was to make Congreve easy, because he 
 knew people talked as if his lordship designed 
 to turn everybod}^ out, and particularly Con- 
 greve; which indeed was true, for the poor 
 21 
 
Swift 
 
 man told me he apprehended it. As I left 
 m\' lord-treasurer I called on Congreve, 
 (knowing where he dined,) and told him 
 what had passed between my lord and me: 
 so I have made a worthy man eas}^, and that 
 is a good da_y's work. I am proposing to 
 my lord to erect a society or academy for 
 correcting and settling our language, that 
 we may not perpetually be changing as we 
 do. He enters mightily into it, so does the 
 dean of Carlisle ; and I design to write a let- 
 ter to lord-treasurer w4th the proposals of 
 it, and publish it ; and so I told my lord, and 
 he approves of it. Yesterday's was a sad 
 Examiner, and last week was very indif- 
 ferent, though some little scraps of the old 
 spirit, as if he had given some hints; but 
 yesterday's is all trash. It is plain the hand 
 is changed. 
 
 November 2. It has rained all day with a 
 continuendo, and I went in a chair to dine 
 with Mrs. Van ; always there is a very rainy 
 day. But I made a shift to come back afoot. 
 I live a ver}^ retired life, pay very few visits, 
 and keep but very little company ; I read no 
 newspapers. I am sorr}^ I sent for the Ex- 
 aminer, for the printer is going to print them 
 in a small volume: it seems the author is 
 too proud to have them printed by subscrip- 
 tion, though his friends offered, they say, to 
 make it worth five hundred pounds to him. 
 The Spectators are likewise printing in a 
 22 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 larger and smaller volume, so I believe they 
 are going to leave them oiF, and indeed 
 people grov^ weary of them, though they are 
 often prettily written. We have had no news 
 for me to send you now tov^ard the end of 
 my letter. The queen has the gout a little; 
 I hoped the lord-treasurer v^^ould have had it 
 too, but Radcliffe told me yesterday it was 
 the rheumatism in his knee and foot ; how- 
 ever, he mends, and I hope will be abroad in 
 a short time. I am told they design giving 
 away several employments before the parlia- 
 ment sits, which will be the 13th instant. I 
 either do not like or not understand this 
 policy ; and if lord-treasurer does not mend 
 soon, they must give them just before the 
 sessions. But he is the greatest procrasti- 
 nator in the world. 
 
 January 1, 1712. Now I wish my dearest 
 little MD many happy new ^^ears ; yes, both 
 Dingley and Stella, ay, and Presto too, many 
 happy new years. I dined with the secretary, 
 and it is true that the duke of Marlborough 
 is turned out of all. The duke of Ormond 
 has got his regiment of foot-guards, I know 
 not who has the rest. If the ministry be 
 not sure of a peace, I shall wonder at this 
 step, and do not approve it at best. The 
 queen and lord-treasurer mortally hate the 
 duke of Marlborough, and to that he owes 
 his fall, more than to his other faults : unless 
 he has been tampering too far with his 
 23 
 
Swift 
 
 party, of which I have not heard an}' par- 
 ticulars; however it be, the world abroad 
 will blame us. I confess mv belief that he 
 has not one good quality in the world be- 
 side that of a general, and even that I have 
 heard denied by several great soldiers. But 
 we have had constant success in arms while 
 he commanded. Opinion is a mighty matter 
 in war, and I doubt the French think it im- 
 possible to conquer an army that he leads, 
 and our soldiers think the same ; and how far 
 even this step ma}'- encourage the French to 
 pla\^ tricks with us, no man knows. I do 
 not love to see personal resentment mix with 
 public affairs. 
 
 November 15. Before this comes to your 
 hands you will have heard of the most ter- 
 rible accident that hath almost ever hap- 
 pened. This morning at eight m\' man 
 brought me v^'ord that duke Hamilton had 
 fought with lord Mohun, and killed him, and 
 v^^as brought home wounded. 1 immediately 
 sent him to the duke's house, in St. Janies's- 
 square; but the porter could hardly answer 
 for tears, and a great rabble was about the 
 house. In short, they fought at seven this 
 morning. The dog Mohun was killed on the 
 spot; and, while the duke was over him, 
 Mohun shortened his sword, stabbed him in 
 at the shoulder to the heart. The duke \vas 
 helped towards the cake-house by the ring in 
 Hyde-park (where they fought), and died on 
 24. 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 the grass, before he could reach the house; 
 and was brought home in his coach by 
 eight, while the poor duchess was asleep. 
 Macartney and one Hamilton were the sec- 
 onds, who fought likewise, and are both 
 fled. I am told that a footman of lord 
 Mohun's stabbed duke Hamilton, and some 
 say Macartney did so too. Mohun gave the 
 affront, and j'ct sent the challenge. I am in- 
 finitely concerned for the poor duke, who 
 w^as a frank, honest, good-natured man. I 
 loved him very w^ell, and I think he loved me 
 better. He had the greatest mind in the 
 w^orld to have me go with him to France, 
 but durst not tell it me; and those he did tell 
 said I could not be spared, Avhich was true. 
 They have removed the poor duchess to a 
 lodging in the neighbourhood, v^'here I have 
 been with her two hours, and am just come 
 away. I never saw so melancholv a scene; 
 for indeed all reasons for real grief belong to 
 her; nor is it possible for anj'-body to be a 
 greater loser in all regards. She has moved 
 my very soul. The lodging was inconve- 
 nient, and they would have removed her to 
 another; but I would not suffer it, because 
 it had no room backv^^ard, and she must 
 have been tortured wdth the noise of the 
 Grub-street screamers mentioning her hus- 
 band's murder in her ears. 
 
 December 12. I never go to a coffee-house 
 nor a tavern, nor have I touched a card 
 25 
 
Swift 
 
 since I left Windsor. I make few visits nor 
 go to levees; m^^ only debauch is sitting late 
 where I dine, if I like the company. I have 
 almost dropped the duchesses of Shrewsbury 
 and Hamilton, and several others. Lord- 
 treasurer, the duke of Ormond, and lady 
 Orkne3'', are all that I see very often. O j^es, 
 and lady Masham and lord Bolingbroke, and 
 one or two private friends. I make no figure 
 but at court, where I affect to turn from a 
 lord to the meanest of my acquaintance, and 
 I love to go there on Sundays to see the 
 world. But, to say the truth, I am growing 
 weary of it. I dislike a million of things in 
 the course of public affairs ; and if I were to 
 stay here much longer, I am sure I should 
 ruin myself with endeavouring to mend them. 
 I am every day invited into schemes of doing 
 this, but I cannot find anv that will proba- 
 bl}^ succeed. It is impossible to save people 
 against their own will ; and I have been too 
 much engaged in patchwork alread}^ Do 
 you understand all this stuff? No. Well then, 
 you are now returned to ombre and the 
 dean, and Christmas; I wish you a very 
 merry one; and pray don't lose your money, 
 nor play upon Watt Welch's game. Night, 
 sirrahs, it is late, I'll go to sleep; I don't 
 sleep well, and therefore never dare to drink 
 coffee or tea after dinner: but I am very 
 sleepy in a morning. This is the effect of 
 wine and years. Night, dearest MD. 
 26 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 December 27. I dined to-day with general 
 Hill, governor of Dunkirk. Lady Masham 
 and Mrs. Hill, his two sisters, were of his 
 company, and there have I been sitting this 
 evening till eleven, looking over others at 
 play ; for I have left off loving play myself; 
 and I think Ppt is now a great gamester. 
 I have a great cold on me, not quite at its 
 height. I have them seldom, and therefore 
 ought to be patient. I met Mr. Addison and 
 Pastoral Philips on the Mall to-day, and 
 took a turn with them ; but they both looked 
 terribly dry and cold. A curse of jDarty! 
 And do you knovk^ I have taken more pains 
 to recommend the Whig wits to the favour 
 and mercy of the ministers than any other 
 people. Steele I have kept in his place. 
 Congreve I ha.ve got to be used kindly, and 
 secured. Rowe I have recommended, and 
 got a promise of a place. Philips I should 
 certainly have provided for, if he had not run 
 party mad, and made me withdraw my 
 recommendations ; and I set Addison so right 
 at first, that he might have been employed, 
 and have partly secured him the place he 
 has ; yet I am worse used by that faction 
 than any man. Well, go to cards, sirrah 
 Ppt, and dress the wine and orange, sirrah, 
 Me,* and I'll go sleep. It is late. Night, 
 MD. 
 
 February 13. I was to see a poor poet, 
 *Here Me plainly means Dingley. 
 27 
 
Swift 
 
 one Mr. Diaper, in a nasty garret very sick. 
 I gave him twenty guineas from lord Boling- 
 broke, and disposed the other sixty to two 
 other authors, and desired a friend to receive 
 the hundred pounds for poor Harrison, and 
 will carry it to him to-morrow morning. I 
 sent to see how he did, and he is extremeh^ 
 ill ; and I am very much afflicted for him, as 
 he is mj^ own creature, and in a ver\^ honour- 
 able post, and very worthy of it. I dined in 
 the city. I am much concerned for this poor 
 lad. His mother and sister attend him, and 
 he wants nothing. Night, dear MD. 
 
 February 14. I took Parnell this morning, 
 and we walked to see poor Harrison. I had 
 the hundred pounds in my pocket. I told 
 Parnell I was afraid to knock at the door; 
 ni}^ mind misgave me. I knocked, and his 
 man in tears told me his master was dead 
 an hour before. Think what grief this is to 
 me ! I went to his mother and have been 
 ordering things for his funeral, with as little 
 cost as possible, to-morrow at ten at night. 
 Lord-treasurer was much concerned when I 
 told him. I could not dine with lord-treas- 
 urer, nor an\^where else; but got a bit of 
 meat towards evening. No loss ever grieved 
 me so much: poor creature! Pray God Al- 
 mighty bless poor MD. Adieu. I send this 
 away to-night, and am sorry it must go 
 while I am in so much grief. 
 
 April 1. Parnell and I dined with Darti- 
 28 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 neuf to-day. You have heard of Dartineuf : 1 
 have told you of Dartineuf. After dinner we 
 all went to lord Bolingbroke's, who had de- 
 sired me to dine with him, but I would not, 
 because I had heard it was to look over a 
 dull poem of one Parson Trap upon the 
 peace. The Swedish envoy told me to-day at 
 court that he was in great apprehensions 
 about his master, and indeed we are afraid 
 that prince [Charles XII.] is dead amongst 
 those Turkish dogs. I prevailed on lord 
 Bolingbroke to invite Mr. Addison to dine 
 with him on Good Friday'. I suppose we 
 shall be mighty mannerly. Addison is to 
 have a play on Friday in Easter week: 'tis 
 a tragedy called Cato; I saw it unfinished 
 some years ago. Did I tell you that Steele 
 has begun a new daily paper called the 
 "Guardian"? they say good for nothing. I 
 have not seen it. Night, dear MD. 
 
 April 16. Mr. Lewis tells me that the duke 
 ofOrmund has been to-day with the queen; 
 and she was content that Dr. Sterne should 
 be bishop of Dromore and I dean of St. 
 Patrick's ; but then out came lord-treasurer, 
 and said he would not be satisfied, but that 
 I must be prebendary of Windsor. Thus he 
 perplexes things. I expect neither ; but I con- 
 fess, as much as I love England, I am so 
 angry at this treatment, that, if I had my 
 choice, I would rather have St. Patrick's. 
 Lady Masham sa3^s she will speak to the 
 29 
 
Swift 
 
 purpose to the queen to-morrow. Night, 
 dear MD. 
 
 April 17. I went to dine at Lad_v Mash- 
 am's to-da}^, and she was taken ill of a sore 
 throat, and anguish. She spoke to the queen 
 last night, but had not much time. The 
 queen says she will determine to-morrow 
 with lord-treasurer. The warrants for the 
 deaneries are still stopped, for fear I should 
 be gone. Do 3^ou think an3^thing will be 
 done? I don't care whether it is or no. In 
 the meantime I prepare for mv journey, and 
 see no great people, nor will see lord-treas- 
 urer any more, if I go. Lord-treasurer told 
 Mr. Lewis it should be done to-night ; so he 
 said five nights ago. Night, MD. 
 
 April 18. This morning Mr. Lewis sent 
 me word that lord-treasurer told him the 
 queen would determine at noon. At three 
 lord-treasurer sent to me to come to his 
 lodgings at St. James's, and told me the 
 queen was at last resolved that Dr. Sterne 
 should be bishop of Dromore and I dean of 
 St. Patrick's; and that Sterne's warrant 
 should be drawn immediate^. You know 
 the deanery is in the duke of Ormond's gift ; 
 but this is concerted between the queen, lord- 
 treasurer, and the duke of Ormond, to make 
 room for me. I do not know whether it 
 will 3'et be done ; some unluck\^ accident may 
 yet come. Neither can I feel joy at passing 
 my days in Ireland ; and I confess I thought 
 30 
 
Journal to Stella 
 
 the ministrj would not let me go; but per- 
 haps they can't help it. Night, MD. 
 
 April 19. I forgot to tell you that lord- 
 treasurer forced me to dine with him j^ester- 
 day as usual, with his Saturday company, 
 which I did after frequent refusals. To-day 
 I dined with a private friend, and was not 
 at court. After dinner Mr. Lewis sent me 
 word that the queen stayed till she knew 
 whether the duke of Ormond approved of 
 Sterne for a bishop. I went this evening and 
 found the duke of Ormond at the cockpit, 
 and told him, and desired he would go to the 
 queen and approve of Sterne. He made ob- 
 jections, and desired I would name any other 
 deanery, for he did not like Sterne ; that 
 Sterne never went to see him; that he was 
 influenced by the archbishop of Dtiblin, &c. ; 
 so all is now broken again. I sent for lord- 
 treasurer, and told him this. He says all 
 will be well; but I value not what he says. 
 This suspense vexes me w^orse than anything 
 else. Night, MD. 
 
 April 20. I went to-day, by appointment, 
 to the cockpit, to talk with the duke of 
 Ormond. He repeated the same proposals of 
 an\^ other deanery, &c. I desired he w^ould 
 put me out of the case, and do as he pleased. 
 Then, with great kindness, he said he would 
 consent; but w^ould do it for no man alive 
 but me, &c. And he Avill speak to the queen 
 to-day or to-morrow ; so, perhaps, something 
 31 
 
Swift 
 
 will come of it. I can't tell. Night, own dear 
 MD. 
 
 April 21. The duke of Ormond has told 
 the cjueen he is satisfied that Sterne should 
 be bishop, and she consents I shall be dean ; 
 and I suppose the warrants will be drawn in 
 a day or two. I dined at an alehouse with 
 Pamell and Berkelc}^ ; for I am not in humour 
 to go among the ministers, though lord 
 Dartmouth invited me to dine with him to- 
 da}^ and lord-treasurer was to be there. I 
 said I would if I were out of suspense. Night, 
 dearest iMD. 
 
 April 22. The queen says warrants shall 
 be drawn, but she will dispose of all in 
 England and Ireland at once, to be teased 
 no more. This will delay it some time ; and, 
 while it is delayed, I am not sure of the 
 queen, my enemies being bus\^ I hate this 
 suspense. Night, dear MD. 
 
 32 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 33 
 
Personal Letters. 
 TO THE LORD-TREASURER OXFORD. 
 
 [Written soon after Swift's return to Ireland. 
 During his sojourn in London, described in the 
 Journal to Stella, the Lord-Treasurer, Harley, 
 who was the head of the Tory party, had shown 
 him great consideration.] 
 
 July 1, 1714. 
 
 My Lord,— When I was with you I have 
 said more than once that I would never al- 
 low quality or station made any real dif- 
 ference between men. Being now absent and 
 forgotten, I have changed my mind : you 
 have a thousand people who can pretend 
 the\^ love you with as much appearance of 
 sincerit^^ as I ; so that, according to common 
 justice, I can have but a thousandth part in 
 return of what I give. And this difference is 
 v^holly owing to your station. And the mis- 
 fortune is still the greater, because I always 
 loved \'Ou just so much the worse for your 
 station ; for in your public capacity you have 
 often angered me to the heart, but, as a pri- 
 vate man, never once. So that, if I only look 
 towards myself, I could wish you a private 
 man to-morrow ; for I have nothing to ask ; 
 at least nothing that ^^ou will give, which is 
 the same thing: and then ^^ou would see 
 35 
 
Swift 
 
 whether I should not with much more will- 
 ingness attend you in a retirement, whenever 
 you please to give me leave, than ever I did 
 at London or Windsor. From these senti- 
 ments I will never write to you, if I can help 
 it otherwise, than as to a private person, or 
 allow myself to have been obliged to j^ou in 
 any other capacity. 
 
 The memory of one great instance of your 
 candour and justice I v^dll carry to my grave ; 
 that, having been in a manner domestic with 
 you for almost four years, it w^as never in 
 the power of any public or concealed enemy 
 to make j^ou think ill of me, though malice 
 and envy were often emploj^ed to that end. 
 If I live, posterity shall know that and more ; 
 which, though you, and somebody that shall 
 be nameless, seem to value less than I could 
 wish, is all the return I can make 3^ou. Will 
 you give me leave to say how I would de- 
 sire to stand in your memory? As one who 
 was truly sensible of the honour you did him, 
 though he Avas too proud to be vain upon 
 it; as one who was neither assuming, offi- 
 cious, nor teasing; who never Avilfully mis- 
 represented persons or facts to you, nor con- 
 sulted his passions w^hen he gave a character ; 
 and lastly, as one whose indiscretions pro- 
 ceeded altogether from a weak head, and not 
 an ill heart. I will add one thing more, 
 which is the highest compliment I can make, 
 that I never was afraid of offending 3'ou, nor 
 36 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 am now in any pain for the manner I write 
 to you in. I have said enough ; and, hke one 
 at 3^our levee, having made m^^ bo'w, I shrink 
 back into the crowd. I am, &c. 
 
 TO LORD BOLINGBROKE. 
 
 [Henry St. John, created Viscount Bohngbroke 
 in 1714, was Secretary of State from 1710 to 
 1714v Upon the accession of George I. he fled to 
 France and was for a while in the service of the 
 Pretender. During Swift's stay in London, the 
 two men had been intimately associated in Tory 
 politics.] 
 
 December 19, 1719. 
 
 My Lord, — I first congratulate with you 
 upon growing rich; for I hope our friend's 
 information is true, omne solum diti patria. 
 Eurijndes makes the queen Jocasta ask her 
 exiled son how he got his victuals : but Vv^ho 
 ever expected to see you a trader or dealer 
 in stocks? I thought to have seen you where 
 you are, or perhaps nearer; but diis aliter 
 visum. It may be with one's country as with 
 a lady: if she be cruel and ill-natured, and 
 v^all not receive us, v^e ought to consider 
 that we are better without her. But in this 
 case we may add, she has neither virtue, 
 honour, nor justice. I have gotten a mezzo- 
 tinto (for want of a better) of Aristippus, in 
 mj^ drawing-room: the motto at the top is 
 37 
 
Swift 
 
 Omnis Aristippum, &c., and at the bottom, 
 Tanta foeclus cum petite ferire, commissum 
 juveni. But since what I heard of Missis- 
 sippi, I am grown fonder of the former 
 motto. You liave heard that Plato followed 
 merchandise three years, to show he knew 
 how to grow rich as well as to be a philoso- 
 pher: and I guess Plato was then about 
 fbrt\', the period which the Italians prescribe 
 for being wise, in order to be rich at fift^^ — 
 Senes ut in otia tut a recedant. I have known 
 something of courts and ministers longer 
 than you, who know them so many thou- 
 sand times better: but I do not remember to 
 have ever heard of or seen one great genius 
 who had long success in the ministry: and 
 recollecting a great many in my memory and 
 acquaintance, those who had the smoothest 
 time were at best men of middling degree in 
 understanding. But if I were to frame a ro- 
 mance of a great minister's life, he should be- 
 gin it as Aristippus has done, then be sent into 
 exile, and employ his leisure in writing the 
 memoirs of his own administration; then be 
 recalled, invited to resume his share ofpower, 
 act as far as was decent ; at last retire to the 
 country, and be a pattern of hospitality, po- 
 liteness, wisdom and virtue. Have j^ou not 
 observed that there is a lower kind of dis- 
 cretion and regularit}^ which seldom fails of 
 raising men to the highest stations, in the 
 court, the church, and the law? It must be 
 38 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 so : for Providence, which designed the world 
 should be governed by man}^ heads, made it 
 a business within the reach of common 
 understandings ; while one great genius is 
 hardly found among ten miUions. Did you 
 never observe one of your clerks cutting his 
 paper with a blunt ivory knife? did ^'ou ever 
 know the knife to fail going the true way? 
 whereas, if he had used a razor or a pen- 
 knife, he had odds against him of spoiHng a 
 whole sheet. I have twenty times compared 
 the motion of that ivory implement to those 
 talents that thrive best at court. Think 
 upon lord Bacon, Williams, Strafford, Laud, 
 Clarendon, Shaftesbury, the last duke of 
 Buckingham ; and of my own acquaintance, 
 the earl of Oxford and \^ourself ; all great , 
 geniuses in their several ways ; and, if they 
 had not been so great, would have been less 
 unfortunate. I remember but one exception, 
 and that was lord Somers, whose timorous 
 nature, joined with the trade of a common 
 lawyer and the consciousness of a mean ex- 
 traction, had taught him the regularity of an 
 alderman or gentleman-usher. But of late 
 years I have been refining upon this thought: 
 for I plainly see that fellows of low intel- 
 lectuals, when they are gotten at the head of 
 affairs, can sally into the highest exorbitan- 
 cies with much more safety than a man of 
 great talents can make the least step out of 
 the way. Perhaps it is for the same reason 
 39 
 
Swift 
 
 that men are more afraid of attacking a 
 vicious than a mettlesome horse: but I rather 
 think it owing to that incessant envy where- 
 with the common rate of mankind pursues 
 all superior natures to their own. And I 
 conceive, if it w^ere left to the choice of an 
 ass, he w^ould rather be kicked by one of his 
 own species than a better. If you will recol- 
 lect that I am towards six \^ears older than 
 when I saw you last, and t\venty years duller, 
 you will not wonder to find me abound 
 in empty speculations : I can now express in 
 a hundred words what would have formerly 
 cost me ten. I can write epigrams of fiftv 
 distichs, which might be squeezed into one. I 
 have gone the round of all my stories three 
 . or four times with the j^ounger people, and 
 begin them again. I give hints how signifi- 
 cant a person I have been, and nobody be- 
 lieves me: I pretend to pit^'^ them, but am 
 inwardl}^ angr\\ I lay traj)s for people to 
 desire I would show them some things I have 
 w^ritten, but cannot succeed, and wreak my 
 spite in condemning the taste of the people 
 and company where I am. But it is wath 
 place as it is with time. If I boast of having 
 been valued three hundred miles off, it is of no 
 more use than if I told how^ handsome I was 
 when I w^as young. The worst of it is, that 
 lying is of no use; for the people here wall 
 not believe one half of what is true. If I can 
 prevail on anyone to personate a hearer and 
 40 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 admirer, you would wonder what a favourite 
 he grows. He is sure to have the first glass 
 out of the bottle, and the best bit I can 
 carve. Nothing has convinced me so much 
 that I am of a little subaltern spirit, inopis, 
 atqiie pusilli animi, as to reflect how I am 
 forced into the most trifling amusements to 
 divert the vexation of former thoughts and 
 present objects. Why cannot you lend me a 
 shred of your mantle, or v^hy did not you 
 leave a shred of it with me when j^ou were 
 snatched from me? you see I speak in my 
 trade, although it is growing fast a trade to 
 be ashamed of. 
 
 I cannot but w^ish that you would make it 
 possible for me to see a copy of the papers 
 you are about ; and I do protest it necessary 
 that such a thing should be in some person's 
 hands beside your own, and I scorn to say 
 how safe they would be in mine. Neither 
 would you dislike my censures, as far as they 
 might relate to circumstantials. I tax you 
 with two minutes a-day, until you have read 
 this letter, although I am sensible you have 
 not half so much from business more useful 
 and entertaining. 
 
 My letter which miscarried was, I believe, 
 much as edifying as this, only thanking and 
 congrattilating with you for the delightful 
 verses you sent me. And I ought to have ex- 
 pressed my vexation at seeing you so much 
 better a philosopher than myself; a trade 
 41 
 
Swift 
 
 you were neither born nor bred to: but I 
 think it is observed that gentlemen often 
 dance better than those that Hve by the art. 
 You may thank fortune that my paper is no 
 longer, &c. 
 
 TO MR. POPE. 
 
 [Note Swift's declaration of his real motive in 
 writing "Gulliver's Travels."] 
 
 September 29, 1725. 
 
 I AM now returning to the noble scene of 
 Dublin, into the grand monde, for fear of 
 burying my parts, to signalise myself among 
 curates and vicars, and correct all corrup- 
 tions crept in, relating to the weight of 
 bread and butter, through those dominions 
 where I govern. I have emplo^^ed my time 
 (beside ditching) in finishing, correcting, 
 amending, and transcribing my travels, in 
 four parts complete, newly augmented, and 
 intended for the press when the world shall 
 deserve them, or rather when a printer shall 
 be found brave enough to venture his ears. I 
 like the scheme of our meeting after distresses 
 and dispersions, but the chief end I propose to 
 myself in all my labours is, to vex the w^orld 
 rather than divert it ; and if I could compass 
 that design without hurting my own person 
 or fortune, I would be the most indefatigable 
 42 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 writer you have ever seen without reading. 
 I am exceedingly pleased that you have 
 done with translations: lord-treasurer Oxford 
 often lamented that a rascally world should 
 lay you under a necessity of misemploying 
 your genius for so long a time. But since 
 you will now be so much better employed, 
 when you think of the world, give it one 
 lash the more at my request. I have ever 
 hated all nations, professions, and communi- 
 ties, and all my love is towards individuals ; 
 for instance, I hate the tribe of lawj^ers, but 
 I love counsellor such-a-one, and judge such- 
 a-one: it is so with physicians, (I will not 
 speak of my own trade,) soldiers, English, 
 Scotch, French, and the rest. But principal- 
 ly I hate and detest that animal called 
 man; although I heartily love John, Peter, 
 Thomas, and so forth. This is the system 
 upon which I have governed myself many 
 years (but do not tell) ; and so I shall go on 
 till I have done with them. I have got 
 materials towards a treatise proving the fals- 
 ity of that definition animal rationale, and 
 to show it should be only rationis capax. 
 Upon this great foundation of misanthropy 
 (though not in Timon's manner) the whole 
 building of my travels is erected; and I never 
 will have peace of mind till all honest men 
 are of my opinion: by consequence you are 
 to embrace it immediately, and procure that 
 all v^ho deserve my esteem may do so too. 
 43 
 
Swift 
 
 The matter is so clear that it will admit of 
 no dispute ; nay, I will hold a hundred 
 pounds that you and I agree in the point. 
 
 I did not know your "Od^'-ssey" was fin- 
 ished, being yet in the country, which I shall 
 leave in three days. I thank 3'ou kindl}^ fiDr 
 the present, but shall like it three-fourths the 
 less from the mixture j^ou mention of other 
 hands ; however, I am glad you saved ^^our- 
 self so much drudger\\ — I have been long 
 told by Mr. Ford of your great achievements 
 in building and planting, and especially of 
 3"our subterranean passage to j'-our garden, 
 whereby 3^ou turned a blunder into a beaut}', 
 which is a piece of Ars Poetic a. 
 
 I have almost done with harridans, and 
 shall soon become old enough to fall in love 
 with girls of fourteen. The lady [Mrs. How- 
 ard] whom you describe to live at court, to 
 be deaf, and no party-woman, I take to be 
 Mytholog\^, but know not how to moralise 
 it. She cannot be merc}', for Mercy is neither 
 deaf, nor lives at court : Justice is blind, and 
 perhaps deaf, but neither is she a court 
 lad}^ : Fortune is both blind and deaf, and a 
 court lady, but then she is a most damnable 
 party-woman, and will never make me easy, 
 as \'ou promise. It must be Riches, which 
 answers all \'Our description : I am glad she 
 visits 3'ou, but my voice is so weak that I 
 doubt she will never hear me. 
 
 Mr. Lewis sent me an account of Dr. Ar- 
 44 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 butlmot's illness, which is a very sensible 
 affliction to nie, who by living so long out 
 of the world have lost that hardness of heart 
 contracted by years and general conversa- 
 tion. I am daily losing friends, and neither 
 seeking nor getting others. if the world 
 had but a dozen Arbuthnots in it, I would 
 burn m}^ travels ! but, however, he is not 
 without fault: there is a passage in Bede 
 highly commending the piety and learning of 
 the Irish in that age, w4iere, after abundance 
 of praises, he overthrows them all, by la- 
 menting that, alas ! they kept Easter at a 
 wrong time of the year. So our doctor has 
 every quality and virtue that can make a 
 man amiable or useful; but, alas! he hath a 
 sort of slouch in his walk! I pray God pro- 
 tect him, for he is an excellent Christian, 
 though not a Catholic. 
 
 I hear nothing of our friend Gay, but I 
 find the court keeps him at hard meat. I 
 advised him to come over here with a lord- 
 lieutenant. Philips writes little flams (as 
 lord Leicester called those sort of verses) on 
 Miss Carteret. A Dublin blacksmith, a great 
 poet, has imitated his manner in a poem to 
 the same miss. Philips is a complainer, and 
 on this occasion I told lord Carteret that 
 complainers never succeed at court, though 
 railers do. 
 
 Are you altogether a country gentleman, 
 that I must address to you out of London, 
 45 
 
Swift 
 
 to the hazard of yonr losing this precious 
 letter, which I will now conclude, although 
 so much paper is left? I have an ill name, 
 and therefore shall not subscribe it, but you 
 will guess it comes from one who esteems 
 and loves you about half as much as you 
 deserve, I mean, as much as he can. 
 
 I am in great concern at what I am just 
 told is in some of the newspapers, that lord 
 Bolingbroke is much hurt by a fall in hunt- 
 ing. I am glad he has so much youth and 
 vigour left, (of which he has not been thrifty,) 
 but I wonder he has no more discretion. 
 
 TO MR. WORRALL. 
 
 [This letter, written during a visit to Pope at 
 Twickenham, shows Swift's anxiety at the news 
 of the mortal illness of Esther Johnson (Stella). 
 Mr. Worrall was the vicar of St. Patrick's, Dub- 
 lin.] 
 
 TAvickenham, July 15, 1726. 
 
 I WISH you would send me a common bill 
 in form upon any banker for 100/., and I will 
 wait for it, and in the meantime borrow 
 where I can. What ^^ou tell me of Mrs. 
 Johnson I have long expected with great 
 oppression and heaviness of heart. We have 
 been perfect friends these thirty-five years. 
 Upon my advice they both came to Ireland, 
 46 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 and have been ever since my constant com- 
 panions; and the remainder of m J life will be 
 a verv melancholy scene, when one of them 
 is gone, whom I most esteemed upon the 
 score of every good quality that can possibly 
 recommend a human creature. I have these 
 two months seen through Mrs. Dingley's 
 disguises. And indeed ever since I left you 
 m^^ heart has been so sunk that I have not 
 been the same man, nor ever shall be again, 
 but drag on a wretched life, till it shall please 
 God to call me away. I must tell j^ou as a 
 friend, that, if you have reason to believe 
 Mrs. Johnson cannot hold out till my return, 
 I would not think of coming to Ireland; and 
 in that case I would expect of you in the be- 
 ginning of September to renew my license for 
 another half-year, which time I will sjDcnd in 
 some retirement far from London, till I can 
 be in a disposition of appearing after an 
 accident that must be so fatal to my quiet. 
 I wish it could be brought about that she 
 might make her will. Her intentions are to 
 leave the interest of all her fortune to her 
 mother and sister during their lives, and 
 afterwards to Dr. Stephen's hospital, to pur- 
 chase lands for such uses there as she de- 
 signs. Think how I am disponed w^hile I 
 write this, and forgive the inconsistencies. I 
 would not for the universe be present at such 
 a trial of seeing her depart. She will be 
 among friends that, upon her own account 
 47 
 
Swift 
 
 and great worth, will tend her with all pos- 
 sible care, where I should be a trouble to 
 her, and the greatest torment to m\^self. In 
 case the matter should be desperate, I would 
 have you advise, if the}' come to town, that 
 they should be lodged in some air}' health}'- 
 part, and not in the deaner}', which besides, 
 you know, cannot but be a very improper 
 thing for that house to breathe her last in. 
 This I leave to your discretion, and I con- 
 jure you to burn this letter immediately, 
 without telling the contents of it to an}^ per- 
 son alive. Pray write to me every week, 
 that I may know what steps to take ; for I 
 am determined not to go to Ireland, to find 
 her just dead, or d^ang. Nothing but ex- 
 tremity could make me so familiar with those 
 terrible words applied to such a dear friend. 
 Let her know I have bought her a repeating 
 gold watch for her ease in winter nights. I 
 designed to have surprised her v/ith it; but 
 now I \vould have her know it, that she may 
 see how my thoughts are alwa^'S to make 
 her easy. 
 
 I am of opinion that there is not a greater 
 folly than to contract too great and intimate 
 a friendship, which must always leave the 
 survivor miserable. 
 
 On the back of Burton's note there was 
 written the account of Mrs. Johnson's sick- 
 ness. Pray, in 3'our next avoid that mis- 
 take, and leave the back side blank. 
 48 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 When you have read this l^ter twice, and 
 retain what I desire, pray burn it; and let 
 all I have said He only in your breast. 
 
 Pray write every week. I have (till I know 
 further) fixed on August the fifteenth to set 
 out for Ireland. I shall continue or alter my 
 measures according to your letters. Adieu. 
 
 Direct your letters still to Mrs. Rice, &c. 
 
 Pray tell Mr. Dodge of the college that I 
 received his letter, but cannot possibly an- 
 swer it, which I certainly would if I had 
 materials. 
 
 As to what you saj^ about promotion, you 
 will find it was given immediately to Maude, 
 as I am told; and I assure you I had no 
 oifers,nor would accept them. My behaviour 
 to those in power has been directly contrary 
 since I came here. I would rather have good 
 news from you than Canterbury, though it 
 were given me upon my own terms. 
 
 TO MR. POPE. 
 
 [Swift's long and tmbroken friendship with Pope 
 is evidenced by many letters This is one of the 
 latest, written shortly before Swift's mind began 
 to give way. His death occurred in October, 
 1745, in his seventy-eighth year.] 
 
 December 2, 1736. 
 
 I THINK you owe me a letter, but v^hether 
 you do or not, I have not been in a condi- 
 4 49 
 
Swift 
 
 tion to write. Years and infirmities have 
 quite broke me; I mean that odious continual 
 disorder in my head. I neither read, nor 
 write, nor remember, nor converse. All I 
 have left is to walk and ride : the first I can 
 do tolerabh^, but the latter, for want of good 
 weather at this season, is seldom in my 
 power; and having not an ounce of flesh 
 about me, my skin comes off in ten miles 
 riding, because m\^ skin and bone cannot 
 agree together. But I am angry because 3'ou 
 will not suppose me as sick as I am, and 
 write to me out of perfect charity, although 
 I should not be able to answer. I have too 
 many vexations by my station and the im- 
 pertinence of people to be able to bear the 
 mortification of not hearing from a ver\^ few 
 distant friends that are left; and, consider- 
 ing how time and fortune have ordered mat- 
 ters, I have hardly one friend left but your- 
 self What Horace sa^-s, — Singula de nobis 
 anni prwdantur, I feel ever\^ month at fur- 
 thest; and b}^ this computation, if I hold out 
 two years, I shall think it a iniracle. My 
 comfort is, you begin to distinguish so con- 
 founded early that your acquaintance with 
 distinguished men of all kinds was almost as 
 ancient as mine. I mean Wj^cherly, Rowe, 
 Prior, Congreve, Addison, Parnell, &c., and 
 in spite of your heart you have owned me a 
 contemporary. Not to mention lords Ox- 
 ford, Bolingbroke, Harcourt, Peterborough: 
 50 
 
Personal Letters 
 
 in short, I was the other daj'- recollecting 
 twent^'-seven great ministers, or men of wit 
 and learning, who are all dead, and all of my 
 acquaintance, within twenty years past ; 
 neither have I the grace to be sorry that the 
 present times are drawn to the dregs as well 
 as my own life. May my friends be happy 
 in this and a better life! but I value not 
 what becomes of posterity when I consider 
 from what monsters they are to spring. My 
 lord Orrer\' writes to you to-morrow, and 
 you see I send this under his cover, or at 
 least franked b}' him. He has 3000/. a-^^ear 
 about Cork and the neighbourhood, and has 
 more than three years' rent unpaid; this is 
 our condition in these blessed times. I wrote 
 to your neighbour about a month ago, and 
 subscribed my name: I fear he has not re- 
 ceived my letter, and wash 3^ou would ask 
 him; but perhaps he is still a-rambling; for 
 we hear of him at Newmarket, and that 
 Boerhaave has restored his health. How 
 my services are lessened of late with the num- 
 ber of my friends on your side ! yet my lord 
 Bathurst, and lord Marsham, and Mr. Lewis 
 remain; and being your acquaintance, I de- 
 sire when you see them to deliver my compli- 
 ments ; but chiefl}' to Mrs. Patty Blount, and 
 let me know" w^hether she be as young and 
 agreeable as w^hen I saw her last? Have ^^ou 
 got a supply of new friends to make up for 
 those who are gone? and are they equal to 
 51 
 
Swift 
 
 the first? I am afraid it is with friends as 
 with times ; and that the laudator temporis 
 acti se puero is equally applicable to both. I 
 am less grieved for living here, because it is 
 a perfect retirement, and consequently fittest 
 for those who are grown good for nothing; 
 for this town and kingdom are as much out 
 of the world as North Wales. My head is so 
 ill that I cannot write a paper full as I used 
 to do ; and j^et I will not forgive a blank of 
 half an inch from you. I had reason to ex- 
 pect from some of your letters that we were 
 to hope for more epistles of moralit\' ; and I 
 assure you my acquaintance resent that they 
 have not seen my name at the head of one. 
 The subject of such epistles are more useful 
 to the public by your manner of handling 
 them than any of all your w^ri tings ; and al- 
 though in so profligate a world as ours they 
 may possibly not much mend our manners, 
 yet posterity will enjoy the benefit whenever 
 a court happens to have the least relish for 
 virtue and religion. 
 
 52 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
A Tale of a Tub. 
 
 OF A FATHER AND HIS THREE SONS." 
 
 ["A Tale of a Tub," first published in 1704, had 
 been written at least seven years before. In the 
 Preface, Swift explains the whimsical title by re- 
 ferring to the seamen's custom, "when they meet 
 a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way 
 of amusement, to divert him from laying violent 
 hands upon the ship." He proposes to give the 
 enemies of Religion and Government some harm- 
 less employment by tossing to them his treatise. 
 The passage presented here is Section II., which 
 gives the famous parable of "Peter, Martin, and 
 Jack."] 
 
 Once upon a time, there was a man who 
 had three sons by one wife,* and all at a 
 birth, neither could the midwife tell certainly, 
 which was the eldest. Their father died while 
 they were young; and upon his death-bed, 
 calling the lads to him, spoke thus: 
 
 "Sons; because I have purchased no estate, 
 nor was born to any, I have long considered 
 of some good legacies to bequeath you ; and 
 at last, with much care, as well as expense, 
 
 *By these three sons, Peter, Martin, and Jack, 
 Popery, the Church of England, and our Prot- 
 estant dissenters, are designed. — W. Wotton. 
 55 
 
Swift 
 
 have provided each of you (here they are) a 
 new coat. Now, you are to understand, that 
 these coats have two virtues contained in 
 them; one is, that with good wearing, they 
 will last you fresh and sound as long as you 
 live : the other is, that they will grow in the 
 same proportion with your bodies, lengthen- 
 ing and widening of themselves, so as to 
 be always fit. Here ; let me see them on you 
 before I die. So; very well; pray, children, 
 wear them clean, and brush them often. You 
 will find in my will* (here it is) full instruc- 
 tions in ever}'- particular concerning the 
 wearing and management of \^our coats; 
 wherein 3^ou must be very exact, to avoid the 
 penalties I have appointed for every trans- 
 gression or neglect, upon which your future 
 fortunes will entirely depend. I have also 
 commanded in my will, that \^ou should live 
 together in one house like brethren and 
 friends, for then you will be sure to thrive, 
 and not otherwise." 
 
 Here the storj^ says, this good father died, 
 and the three sons went all together to seek 
 their fortunes. 
 
 I shall not trouble you with recounting 
 what adventures they met for the first seven 
 years ; any farther than by taking notice, 
 that they carefully observed their father's 
 wall, and kept their coats in very good order: 
 that they travelled through several countries, 
 
 *The New Testament. 
 56 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 encountered a reasonable quantity of giants, 
 and slew certain dragons. 
 
 Being now arrived at the proper age for pro- 
 ducing themselves, they came up to town, and 
 fell in love with the ladies, but especially 
 three, who about that time were in chief repu- 
 tation; the Duchess d' Argent, Madame de 
 Grands Titres, and the Countess d'Orgueil.* 
 On their first appearance, our three adven- 
 turers met with a very bad reception; and 
 soon with great sagacit}^ guessing out the 
 reason, they quicklj^ began to improve in the 
 good qualities of the town : they writ, and 
 rallied, and rhymed, and sung, and said, and 
 said nothing: they drank, and fought, and 
 whored, and slept, and swore, and took 
 snuff: they went to new plays on the first 
 night, haunted the chocolate houses, beat the 
 watch, lay on bulks, and got claps: they 
 bilked hackney-coachmen, ran in debt w^th 
 shopkeepers, and lay with their v^ives: they 
 killed bailiffs, kicked fiddlers down-stairs, eat 
 at Locket's, loitered at Will's: they talked of 
 the drawing-room, and never came there : 
 dined with lords they never saw: whispered 
 a duchess, and sjDoke never a word : exposed 
 the scrawls of their laundress forbilletdouxof 
 
 * Their mistresses are the Duchess d' Argent, 
 Mademoiselle de Grands Titres, and the Countess 
 d'Orgueil, i.e., covetousness, ambition, and pride; 
 which were the three great vices that the ancient 
 fathers inveighed against, as the first corruptions 
 of Christianity.— W. Wotton. 
 57 
 
Swift 
 
 quality : came ever just from court, and were 
 never seen in it: attended the Levee sub dio: 
 got a list of peers by heart in one company, 
 and with great familiarity retailed them in 
 another. Above all, thej^ constantly at- 
 tended those Committees of Senators, who 
 are silent in the House, and loud in the 
 coffee-house; where th^y nightly adjourn to 
 chew the cud of politics, and are encompassed 
 with a ring of disciples, who lie in wait to 
 catch up their droppings. The three brothers 
 had acquired forty other qualifications of the 
 like stamp, too tedious to recount, and by 
 consecfuence, were justly reckoned the most 
 accomplished persons in the town: but all 
 vi^ould not suffice, and the ladies aforesaid 
 continued still inflexible. To clear up which 
 difficulty I must, with the reader's good 
 leave and patience, have recourse to some 
 points of weight, which the authors of that 
 age have not sufficiently illustrated. 
 
 For, about this time it happened a sect 
 arose, whose tenets obtained and spread 
 very far, especially in the grande monde, and 
 among everybody of good fashion. They 
 worshipped a sort of idol, who, as their 
 doctrine delivered, did daily create men b}^ a 
 kind of manufactory operation. This idol 
 they placed in the highest parts of the house, 
 on an altar erected about three foot : he w^as 
 shown in the posture of a Persian emperor, 
 sitting on a superficies, with his legs inter- 
 58 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 A^oven under him. This god had a goose for 
 his ensign: whence it is that some learned 
 men pretend to deduce his original from 
 Jupiter Capitolinus. At his left hand, be- 
 neath the altar, Hell seemed to open, and 
 catch at the animals the idol was creating; 
 to prevent which, certain of his priests hourly 
 flung in pieces of the uninformed mass, or 
 substance, and sometimes whole limbs al- 
 ready enlivened, which that horrid gulf 
 insatiably swallowed, terrible to behold. 
 The goose was also held a subaltern divinity 
 or deus minorum gentium, before whose 
 shrine was sacrificed that creature, whose 
 hourly food is human gore, and who is in so 
 great renown abroad, for being the delight 
 and favourite of the Egyptian Cercopithecus. 
 Millions of these animals were cruelly slaugh- 
 tered every da\^, to appease the hunger of 
 that consuming deity. The chief idol was 
 also worshipped as the inventor ofthej^ard 
 and needle; whether as the god of seamen, or 
 on account of certain other mystical attri- 
 butes, has not been sufficiently cleared. 
 
 The worshippers of this deity had also a 
 system of their belief, which seemed to turn 
 upon the following fundamentals. Th^y held 
 the universe to be a large suit of clothes, 
 which invests everything: that the earth is 
 invested by the air ; the air is invested by the 
 stars; and the stars are invested by the 
 prittium mobile. Look on this globe of earth, 
 59 
 
Swift 
 
 you will find it to be a ven^ complete and 
 fashionable dress. What is that which some 
 call land, but a fine coat faced with green? 
 or the sea, but a waistcoat of water-tabby? 
 Proceed to the particular works of the crea- 
 tion, you will find how curious journeyman 
 Nature has been, to trim up the vegetable 
 beaux; observe how sparkish a periwig 
 adorns the head of a beech, and what a fine 
 doublet of white satin is worn by the birch. 
 To conclude from all, what is man himself 
 bu"t a micro-coat, or rather a complete suit 
 of clothes with all its trimmings? as to his 
 bod\^, there can be no dispute: but examine 
 even the acquirements of his mind, j^ou will 
 find them all contribute in their order to- 
 wards furnishing out an exact dress: to in- 
 stance no more; is not religion a cloak; 
 honesty a pair of shoes worn out in the 
 dirt; self-love a surtout; vanity a shirt ; and 
 conscience a pair of breeches ; which, though 
 a cover for lewdness as well as nastiness, is 
 easilv slipped down for the service of both? 
 These postulata being admitted, it will fol- 
 low in due course of reasoning, that those 
 beings, which the world calls improperly 
 suits of clothes, are in reality the most re- 
 fined species of animals ; or, to proceed 
 higher, that they are rational creatures, or 
 men. For, is it not manifest, that the\' live, 
 and move, and talk, and perform all other 
 offices of human life? Are not beauty, and 
 60 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 wit, and mien, and breeding, their insepara- 
 ble proprieties? In short, we see nothing 
 but them, hear nothing but them. Is it not 
 thej who walk the streets, fill up parlia- 
 ment — , coffee — , plaj^ — , bawdy-houses? 'Tis 
 true, indeed, that these animals, which are 
 vulgarl}^ called suits of clothes, or dresses, 
 do, according to certain compositions, receive 
 different appellations. If one of them be 
 trimmed up with a gold chain, and a red 
 gown, and a white rod, and a great horse, 
 it is called a Lord-Mayor : if certain ermines 
 and Rtrs be placed in a certain position, we 
 style them a Judge ; and so an apt conjunc- 
 tion of lawn and black satin we entitle a 
 Bishop. 
 
 Others of these professors, though agreeing 
 in the main system, were yet more refined 
 upon certain branches of it ; and held, that 
 man was an animal compounded of two 
 dresses, the natural and celestial suit, which 
 were the body and the soul: that the soul 
 was the outward, and the body the inward 
 clothing ; that the latter was ex traduce; but 
 the former of daily creation and circumfu- 
 sion; this last they proved by scripture, be- 
 cause in them we live, and move, and have 
 our being ; as likewise by philosophy, because 
 they are all in all, and all in every part. 
 Besides, said they, separate these two, and 
 3^ou will find the body to be only a senseless 
 unsavoury carcase. By all v^hich it is mani- 
 61 
 
Swift 
 
 fest, that the outward dress must needs be 
 the soul. 
 
 To this system of reHgion, were tagged 
 several subaltern doctrines, which were enter- 
 tained with great vogue ; as particularh^, the 
 faculties of the mind were deduced bv the 
 learned among them in this manner; em- 
 broidery, was sheer wit; gold fringe, was 
 agreeable conversation ; gold lace, was repar- 
 tee; a huge long periwig, was humour; and a 
 coat full of powder, was very good raillery : 
 all which required abundance of finesse and 
 delicatesse to manage with advantage, as 
 well as a strict observance after times and 
 fashions. 
 
 I have, with much pains and reading, col- 
 lected out of ancient authors, this short 
 summary of a body of philosophy and divin- 
 it}^, which seems to have been composed by a 
 vein and race of thinking, verj^ different from 
 any other systems either ancient or modern. 
 And it was not merely to entertain or satisfy 
 the reader's curiosity, but rather to give him 
 light into several circumstances of the fol- 
 lowing story; that knowing the state of 
 dispositions and opinions in an age so re- 
 mote, he may better comprehend those great 
 events, w^hich were the issue of them. I ad- 
 vise therefore the courteous reader to peruse 
 with a world of application, again and 
 again, whatever I have written upon this 
 matter. And leaving these broken ends, I 
 62 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 carefully gather tip the chief thread of my 
 story and proceed. 
 
 These opinions, therefore, were so uni- 
 versal, as well as the practices of them, 
 among the refined part of court and town, 
 that our three brother-adventurers, as their 
 circumstances then stood, were strangely at 
 a loss. For, on the one side, the three ladies 
 the\^ addressed themselves to, (whom we- 
 have named already,) were at the very top 
 of the fashion, and abhorred all that were 
 below it but the breadth of a hair. On the 
 other side, their father's will was very pre- 
 cise, and it was the main precept in it, with, 
 the greatest penalties annexed, not to add to,, 
 or diminish from their coats one thread, 
 without a positive command in the will. 
 Now, the coats their father had left them 
 were, 'tis true, of very good cloth, and, be- 
 sides, so neatly sewn, you would swear they 
 were all of a piece; but, at the same time, 
 very plain, and with little or no ornament : 
 and it happened, that before they were a 
 month in town, great shoulder-knots came 
 up : straight all the world was shoulder- 
 knots ; no approaching the ladies' ruelles with- 
 out the (jt/ota of shoulder-knots. That fellow, 
 cries one, has no soul ; where is his shoulder- 
 knot? Our three brethren soon discovered 
 their want by sad experience, meeting in their 
 walks with forty mortifications and indigni- 
 ties. If they went to the pla^^-house, the door- 
 63 
 
Swift 
 
 keeper shewed them into the twelve-penny 
 gallery. If the\^ called a boat, sa\'S a water- 
 man, I am first sculler. If the^^ stepped to the 
 Rose to take a bottle, the drawer would cry, 
 Friend, wx sell no ale. If they went to visit a 
 lad}^, a footman met them at the door, with, 
 Pray send up your message. In this unhappy 
 ease, they went immediateU^ to consult their 
 father's will, read it over and over, but not 
 a word of the shoulder-knot. What should 
 the}^ do? What temper should they find? 
 Obedience was absolutely' necessary, and \'et 
 shoulder-knots appeared extremely requisite. 
 After much thought, one of the brothers, who 
 happened to be more book-learned than the 
 other two, said, he had found an expedient. 
 'Tis true, said he, there is nothing here in 
 this will, totidem verbis, making mention of 
 shoulder-knots: but I dare conjecture, we 
 may find them inclusive, or totidem syllahis. 
 This distinction was immediately approved 
 by all ; and so they fell again to examine the 
 will. But their evil star had so directed the 
 matter, that the first syllable was not to be 
 found in the Avhole writing. Upon which 
 disappointment, he, who found the former 
 evasion, took heart, and said, "Brothers, 
 there are yet hopes; for though we cannot 
 find them totidem verbis, nor totidem sylla- 
 bis, I dare engage we shall make them out, 
 tertio mode, or totidem literis.^^ This dis- 
 covery was also highly commended, upon 
 64 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 ■which thc\^ fell once more to the scrutiny, 
 and picked out S,H,0,U,L,D,E,R; when the 
 same planet, enemy to their repose, had won- 
 derfully contrived, that a K was not to be 
 found. Here was a weighty difficult}'- ! But 
 the distinguishing brother, (for whom ^^e 
 shall hereafter find a name,) now his hand 
 was in, proved by a ver}^ good argument, 
 that K was a modem, illegitimate letter, un- 
 known to the learned ages, nor anywhere to 
 be found in ancient manuscripts. '"Tis 
 true," said he, "Calendce hath in O.V.C.* 
 been sometimes writ with a K, but errone- 
 ously; for, in the best copies, it ever spelt 
 with a C. And, b}^ consequence, it was a 
 gross mistake in our language to spell 'knot* 
 with a K;" but that from henceforward, he 
 would take care it should be written with a 
 C. Upon this all farther difficulty vanished ; 
 shoulder-knots were made clearly out to be 
 jure paterno: and our three gentlemen swag- 
 gered with as large and as flaunting ones as 
 the best. 
 
 But, as human happiness is of a ver}^ short 
 duration, so in those da^-^s were human fash- 
 ions, upon which it entircK' depends. Shoul- 
 der-knots had theii* time, and we must now 
 imagine them in their decline; for a certain 
 lord came just from Paris, with fifty yards 
 of gold lace upon his coat, exactly trimmed 
 
 * Quibusdam veteribus codicibus ; i.e., some an- 
 cient manuscripts. 
 
 5 65 
 
Swift 
 
 after the court fashion of that month. In 
 two days all mankind appeared closed tip in 
 bars of gold lace: whoever durst peep abroad 
 without his complement of gold lace, was as 
 scandalous as a — , and as ill received among 
 the women. What should our three knights 
 do in this momentous affair? The\' had 
 sufficiently strained a point alread\^ in the 
 affair of shoulder-knots. Upon recourse to 
 the will, nothing appeared there but altum 
 silentium. That of the shoulder-knots \vas a 
 loose, flying, circumstantial point; but this of 
 gold lace seemed too considerable an altera- 
 tion without better warrant. It did aliquo 
 modo essentise adhserere, and therefore re- 
 quired a positive precept. But about this time 
 it fell out, that the learned brother aforesaid 
 had read ''Aristotelis Dialectic a,^^ and espe- 
 cially^ that wonderful piece de Interpreta- 
 tione, which has the faculty of teaching its read- 
 ers to find out a meaning in ever^^thing but 
 itself, like commentators on the Revelations, 
 who proceed prophets without understand- 
 ing a s^dlable of the text. "Brothers," said 
 he, "you are to be informed, that of wills 
 duo sunt genera, nuncupatory and scriptory; 
 that in the scrijDtory v^rill here before us, 
 there is no precept or mention about gold 
 lace, conceditur : but, si idem affirmetur de 
 nuncupatorio, negatur. For, brothers, ifyou 
 remember, we heard a fellow sa}^ when we 
 w^ere bo3''S, that he heard mj^ father's man 
 66 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 say, that lie heard my father say, that he 
 would advise his sons to get gold lace on 
 their coats, as soon as ever the}-^ could pro- 
 cure money to buy it." "By G — ' that is 
 very true," cries the other; "I remember it 
 perfectly well," said the third. And so with- 
 out more ado got the largest gold lace in the 
 parish, and walked about as fine as lords. 
 
 A while after there came up all in fashion a 
 pretty sort of fiame-coloured satin for linings ; 
 and the mercer brought a pattern of it im- 
 mediately to our three gentlemen: "An please 
 your v^^orships," said he, "my Lord C — and 
 Sir J. W. had linings out of this very piece 
 last night ; it takes wonderfully, and I shall 
 not have a remnant left enough to make my 
 wife a pin-cushion, by to-morrow morning at 
 ten o'clock." Upon this, the\^ fell again to 
 rummage the v^all, because the present case 
 also required a positive precept, the lining 
 being held by orthodox writers to be of the 
 essence of the coat. After long search, they 
 could fix upon nothing to the matter in 
 hand, except a short advice of their father's 
 in the will, to take care of fire, and put out 
 their candles before they went to sleep. 
 This, though a good deal for the purpose, 
 and helping very far towards self-conviction, 
 yet not seeming wholly of force to establish 
 a command; and being resolved to avoid 
 farther scruple, as well in future occasion for 
 scandal, says he that was the scholar, "I re- 
 67 
 
Swift 
 
 member to have read in wills of a codicil 
 annexed, which is indeed a part of the will, 
 and what it contains hath equal authority 
 with the rest. Now, I have been considering 
 of this same \vill here before us, and I cannot 
 reckon it to be complete for want of such a 
 codicil : I will therefore fasten one in its 
 proper place very dexterously : I have had it 
 by me some time ; it v^^as \\rritten by a dog- 
 keeper of my grandfather's, and talks a great 
 deal, (as good luck would have it,) of this 
 very flame-coloured satin." The project was 
 immediateh^ approved by the other two ; an 
 old parchment scroll was tagged on accord- 
 ing to art, in the form of a codicil annexed, 
 and the satin bought and worn. 
 
 Next, winter a player, hired for the purpose 
 iby the corporation of fringe-makers, acted 
 his part in a new comedy, all covered with 
 silver fringe, and, according to the laudable 
 custom, gave rise to that fashion. Upon 
 which the brothers, consulting their father's 
 will, to their great astonishment found these 
 words: ^'Item, I charge and command my 
 said three sons to wear no sort of silver 
 fringe upon or about their said coats," &c., 
 with a penalty, in case of disobedience, too 
 long here to insert. However, after some 
 pause, the brother so often mentioned for his 
 erudition, who was well skilled in criticisms, 
 had found in a certain author, which he said 
 should be nameless, that the same word, 
 68 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 which, in the will, is called fringe, does also 
 signify a broom-stick, and doubtless ought 
 to have the same interpretation in this para- 
 graph. This another of the brothers- dis- 
 liked, because of that epithet silver, which 
 could not, he humbly conceived, in propriety 
 of speech, be reasonably applied to a broom- 
 stick; but it was replied upon him, that his 
 epithet was understood in a mythological 
 and allegorical sense. However, he objected 
 again, why their father should forbid them 
 to wear a broom-stick on their coats, a cau- 
 tion that seemed unnatural and impertinent ; 
 upon which he was taken up short, as one 
 who spoke irreverently of a mystery, which 
 doubtless was very useful and significant, but 
 ought not to be over-curiously pried into, or 
 nicely reasoned upon. And, in short, their 
 father's authority being now considerably 
 sunk, this expedient was allowed to serve as 
 a lawful dispensation for wearing their full 
 proportion of silver fringe. 
 
 A while after was revived an old fashion, 
 long antiquated, of embroidery with Indian 
 figures of men, women, and children. Here 
 they remembered but too well how their 
 father had always abhorred this fashion; 
 that he made several paragraphs on purpose, 
 importing his utter detestation of it, and 
 bestowing his everlasting curse to his sons, 
 whenever thc}^ should wear it. For all this, 
 in a few days they appeared higher in the 
 69 
 
Swift 
 
 fashion than anybody else in the town. But 
 they solved the matter by saying, that these 
 figures were not at all the same wath those 
 that were formerly worn, and were meant in 
 the wall. Besides, the^^ did not wear them in 
 the sense as forbidden b}^ their father; but as 
 they were a commendable custom, and of 
 great use to the public. That these rigorous 
 clauses in the will did therefore require some 
 allowance, and a favourable interpretation, 
 and ought to be understood cum grano 
 sails. 
 
 But fashions perpetually altering in that 
 age, the scholastic brother grew weary of 
 searching farther evasions, and solving ever- 
 lasting contradictions. Resolved, therefore, 
 at all hazards to comply with the modes of 
 the world, thc}^ concerted matters together, 
 and agreed unanimousK' to lock up their 
 father's will in a strong box, brought out of 
 Greece or Italy, (I have forgot w^hich,) and 
 trouble themselves no farther to examine 
 it, but onU^ refer to its authority w^henever 
 the^^ thought fit. In consequence whereof, a 
 'Awhile after it grew a general mode to vvrear 
 an infinite number of points, most of them 
 tagged with silver : upon which, the scholar 
 pronounced ex cathedra, that points were 
 absolutely jure paterno, as they might very 
 well remember. 'Tis true, indeed, the fashion 
 prescribed somev^^hat more than were directly 
 named in the will; however, that the}^, as 
 70 
 
A Tale of a Tub 
 
 heirs-general of their father, had power to 
 make and add certain clauses for public 
 emolument, though not deducible, totidem 
 verbis, from the letter of the will, or else 
 multa absurda sequerentur. This was under- 
 stood for canonical, and therefore, on the 
 following Sundaj^ they came to church all 
 covered with points. 
 
 The learned brother, so often mentioned, 
 was reckoned the best scholar in all that, or 
 the next street to it ; insomuch as, having 
 run something behind-hand in the world, he 
 obtained the favour of a certain lord, to re- 
 ceive him into his house, and to teach his 
 children. A while after the lord died, and he, 
 by long practice of his father's will, found the 
 way of contriving a deed of conveyance of 
 that house to himself and his heirs; upon 
 which he took possession, turned the young 
 sc[uires out, and received his brothers in their 
 stead. 
 
 71 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 73 
 
Sleeping in Church. 
 
 And there sat in the window a certain young 
 man, named Eutyclms, being fallen into a deep 
 sleep ; and while Paul was long preaching, he 
 sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the 
 third loft, and was taken up dead. — Acts xx. 9. 
 
 I HAVE chosen these words with design, if 
 possible, to disturb some part in this audi- 
 ence of half an hour's sleep, for the conve- 
 nience and exercise whereof this place, at this 
 season of the daj^, is very much celebrated. 
 
 There is, indeed, one mortal disadvantage 
 to v^hich all preaching is subject ; that tho^e 
 who by the wickedness of their lives stand in 
 greatest need have usualty the smallest 
 share ; for either the\^ are absent upon the 
 account of idleness or spleen, or hatred to 
 religion, or in order to doze away the in- 
 temperance of the week: or, if they do come, 
 they are sure to emplo}^ their minds rather 
 any other way than regarding or attending 
 to the business of the place. 
 
 The accident which happened to this j'oung 
 man in the text, hath not been sufficient to 
 discourage his successors; but, because the 
 preachers now in the world, however they 
 may exceed St. Paul in the art of setting men 
 75 
 
Swift 
 
 to sleep, do extremely fall short of him in 
 the working of miracles; therefore men are 
 become so cautious, as to choose more safe 
 and convenient stations and postures for 
 taking their repose, without hazard of their 
 persons ; and upon the whole matter, choose 
 rather to trust their destruction to a miracle, 
 than their safet3\ However, this being not 
 the onh^ way by which the lukewarm Chris- 
 tians and scorners of the age discover their 
 neglect and contempt of preaching, I shall 
 enter expressly into consideration of this mat- 
 ter, and order m\^ discourse in the following 
 method : — 
 First, I shall produce several instances to 
 
 show the great neglect of preaching now 
 
 among us. 
 Secondly, I shall reckon up some of the usual 
 
 quarrels men have against preaching. 
 Thirdly, I shall set forth the great evil of 
 
 this neglect and contempt of preaching, 
 
 and discover the real causes whence it pro- 
 
 ceedeth. 
 Lastly, I shall offer some remedies against 
 
 this great and spreading evil. 
 
 First, I shall produce certain instances to 
 show the great neglect of preaching now 
 among us. 
 
 These may be reduced under two heads. 
 First, men's absence from the service of the 
 church; and secondly, their misbehaviour 
 when they are here. 
 
 76 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 The first instance of men's neglect is in 
 their frequent absence from the church. 
 
 There is no excuse so trivial that will not 
 pass upon some men's consciences to excuse 
 their attendance at the public worship of 
 God. Some are so unfortunate as to be 
 always indisposed on the Lord's-day, and 
 think nothing so unwholesome as the air of 
 a church. Others have their affairs so oddly 
 contrived, as to be always unluckily pre- 
 vented by business. With some it is a great 
 mark of \vit and deep understanding to sta^'- 
 at home on Sundays. Others again discover 
 strange fits of laziness, that seize them par- 
 ticularU' on that day, and confine them to 
 their beds. Others are absent out of mere 
 contempt of religion. And, lastly, there are 
 not a few who look upon it as a clay of rest, 
 and therefore claim the privilege of their 
 cattle, to keep the Sabbath by eating, drink- 
 ing, and sleeping, after the toil and labour of 
 the week. Now in all this the v^'-orst circum- 
 stance is, that these persons are such whose 
 companies are most required, and who stand 
 most in need of a physician. 
 
 Secondl}^, Men's great neglect and con- 
 tempt of preaching appear by their misbe- 
 haviour \vhen at church. 
 
 If the audience were to be ranked under 
 
 several heads, according to their behaviour 
 
 when the w^ord of God is delivered, how 
 
 small a number would appear of those who 
 
 77 
 
Swift 
 
 receive it as they ought ! How much of the 
 seed then sown would be found to fall b}^ the 
 waj'slde upon ston}^ ground, or among 
 thorns; and how little good ground there 
 would be to take it ! A preacher cannot look 
 round from the pulpit without observing 
 that some are in a perpetual whisper, and by 
 their air and gesture give occasion to suspect 
 that they are in those very minutes defaming 
 their neighbour. Others have their eyes and 
 imagination constantly engaged in such a 
 circle of objects, perhaps to gratify the most 
 unwarrantable desires, that they never once 
 attend to the business of the place; the sound 
 of the preacher's words does not so much as 
 once interrupt them. Some have their minds 
 wandering ujDon idle, worldly, or vicious 
 thoughts. Some lie at catch to ridicule 
 whatever they hear, and with much wit and 
 humour provide a stock of laughter by fur- 
 nishing themselves from the pulpit. But of 
 all misbehaviour, none is comparable to that 
 of those who came here to sleep. Opium is 
 not so stupefying to man\^ persons as an 
 afternoon sermon. Perjoetual custom hath 
 so brought it about that the words of what- 
 ever preacher become only a sort of uniform 
 sound at a distance, than w^hich nothing is 
 more effectual to lull the senses. For that it 
 is the very sound of the sermon w^hich bindeth 
 up their faculties is manifest from hence, be- 
 cause they all awake so very regularl3^ as 
 78 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 soon as it ceaseth, and with much devotion 
 receive the blessing, dozed and besotted with 
 indecencies I am ashamed to repeat. 
 
 I proceed, secondly to reckon up some of 
 the usual quarrels men have against preach- 
 ing, and to show the unreasonableness of 
 them. 
 
 Such unwarrantable demeanour as I have 
 described among Christians in the house of 
 God in a solemn assembly, while their faith 
 and duty are explained and delivered, have 
 put those who are guilty upon inventing 
 some excuses to extenuate their fault ; this 
 they do by turning the blame either upon the 
 particular preacher, or upon preaching in 
 general. First, they object against the par- 
 ticular preacher ; his manner, his delivery, his 
 voice are disagreeable; his style and expres- 
 sion are flat and slow, sometimes improper 
 and absurd ; the matter is heavy, trivial, and 
 insipid, sometimes despicable and perfectly 
 ridiculous ; or else, on the other side, he runs 
 up into unintelligible speculation, empty 
 notions, and abstracted flights, all clad in 
 words above usual understandings. 
 
 Secondly, They object against preaching in 
 general; it is a perfect road of talk, they 
 know already whatever can be said, they 
 have heard the same a hundred times over. 
 They quarrel that preachers do not relieve 
 an old beaten subject with wit and inven- 
 tion, and that now the art is lost of moving 
 79 
 
Swift 
 
 men's passions, so common among the an- 
 cient orators of Greece and Rome. These 
 and the Hke objections are frequentl_v in the 
 mouths of men who despise the foolishness of 
 preaching. But let us examine the reason- 
 ableness of them. 
 
 The doctrine delivered by all preachers is 
 the same: "So we preach, and so \^e be- 
 lieve:" but the manner of delivering is suited 
 to the skill and abilities of each, which differ 
 in preachers just as in the rest of mankind. 
 However, in personal dislikes of a particular 
 preacher, are these men sure thej are always 
 in the right? Do they consider how mixed a 
 thing is every audience, whose taste and 
 judgment differ perhaps every day, not only 
 from each other, but themselves? and how to 
 calculate a discourse that shall exacth' suit 
 them all is beyond the force and reach of 
 human reason, knowledge, or invention. 
 Wit and elocjuence are shining qualities that 
 God hath imparted in great degrees to very 
 few; nor anj^ more to be expected in the 
 generalit}^ of an^^ rank among men then 
 riches and honour. But further, if preaching 
 in general be all old and beaten, and that 
 they are already so well acquainted with it, 
 more shame and guilt to them who so little 
 edify by it. But these men, whose ears are 
 so delicate as not to endure a plain discourse 
 of religion, who expect a constant supply of 
 wit and eloquence on a subject handled so 
 80 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 mam^ thousand times; what will the}^ say 
 w^hen we turn the objection ujDon themselves, 
 who, with all the rude and profane liberty ot 
 discourse they take upon so many thousand 
 subjects, are so dull as to furnish nothing 
 but tedious repetitions, and little, paltr\^, 
 nauseous commonplaces, so vulgar, so worn, 
 or so obvious, as, upon any other occasion 
 but that of advancing vice, w^ould be hooted 
 off the stage? Nor, lastly, are preachers 
 justly blamed for neglecting human oratory 
 to move the passions, which is not the busi- 
 ness of a Christian orator, whose office it is 
 only to work upon faith and reason. All 
 other eloquence hath been a perfect cheat to 
 stir up men's passions against truth and 
 justice for the service of a faction; to put 
 false colours upon things, and, by an amuse- 
 ment of agreeable w^ords, make the worst 
 reason appear to be the better. This is cer- 
 tainh^ not to be allowed in Christian elo- 
 cjuence, and therefore St. Paul took quite the 
 other course; he "came not with the excel- 
 lency of words or enticing speech of men's 
 wisdom, but in plain evidence of the spirit 
 and power." And perhaps it was for that 
 reason the young man Etitychus, used to the 
 Grecian eloquence, grew tired and fell so fast 
 asleep. 
 
 I go on, thirdly, to set forth the great evil 
 of this neglect and scorn of preaching, and to 
 discover the real causes whence it proceedeth. 
 6 81 
 
Swift 
 
 I think it is obvious that thife neglect of 
 preaching hath very much occasioned the 
 great decay of rehgion among us. To this 
 may be imputed no small part of that con- 
 tempt some men bestow on the clergy ; for 
 whoever talketh without being regarded, is 
 sure to be despised. To this we owe in a 
 great measure the spreading of atheism and 
 infidelity among us ; for religion, like all other 
 things, is soonest put out of countenance by 
 being ridiculed. The scorn of preaching 
 might perhaps have been at first introduced 
 by men of nice ears and refined taste; but it 
 is now become a spreading evil through all 
 degrees and both sexes ; for since sleeping, 
 talking, and laughing are qualities sufficient 
 to furnish out a critic, the meanest and most 
 ignorant have set up a title, and succeeded 
 in it as well as their betters. Thus are the 
 last effiDrts of reforming mankind rendered 
 wholly useless. "How shall the^^ hear," 
 saith the Apostle, "without a preacher?" 
 But if they have a preacher, and make it a 
 point of wit or breeding not to hear him, 
 what remedy is left? To this neglect of 
 preaching we may also entireh" impute that 
 gross ignorance among us in the very prin- 
 ciples of religion, which it is amazing to find 
 in persons w^ho very much value their own 
 knowledge and understanding in other 
 things: yet it is a visible, inexcusable igno- 
 rance even in the meanest among us, con- 
 82 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 sidering the many advantages they have of 
 learning their duty. And it hath been the 
 great encouragement to all manner of vice: 
 for in vain v^^e preach down sin to a people 
 **v^hose hearts are waxed gross, whose ears 
 are dull of hearing, and whose tyes are 
 closed." Therefore Christ himself, in his dis- 
 courses, frequently rouseth up the attention 
 of the multitude and of his disciples them- 
 selves with this expression, "He that hath 
 ears to hear, let him hear." But among all 
 neglects of preaching, none is so fatal as that 
 of sleeping in the house of God. A scorner 
 may listen to truth and reason and in time 
 grow serious; an unbeliever may feel the 
 pangs of a guilty conscience; one whose 
 thotights or eyes wander among other ob- 
 jects ma}^, by a lucky word, be called back 
 to attention; but the sleeper shuts up all 
 avenues to his soul; he is "like the deaf adder 
 that hearkeneth not to the voice of the 
 charmer, charm he never so wisely." And we 
 may preach with as good success to the 
 grave that is under his feet. 
 
 But the great evil of this neglect will fur- 
 ther yet appear, from considering the real 
 causes whence it proceedeth; whereof the 
 first I take to be an evil conscience. Many 
 men come to church to save or gain a repu- 
 tation, or because they w^ill not be singular, 
 but comply with an established custom ; yet 
 all the while they are loaded with the guilt 
 83 
 
Swift 
 
 of old rooted sins. These men can expect to 
 hear of nothing but terrors and threatenings, 
 their sins laid open in true colours, and eter- 
 nal miser}^ the reward of them ; therefore no 
 wonder they stop their ears, and divert their 
 thoughts, and seek any amusement ra.ther 
 than stir the hell within them. 
 
 Another cause of this neglect is a heart set 
 upon worldly things. Men, whose minds are 
 much enslaved to earthly affairs all the 
 \veek, cannot disengage or break the chain of 
 their thoughts so suddenly as to apph' to a 
 discourse that is wholly foreign to what 
 the\^ have most at heart. Tell a usurer of 
 charity and merc}-, and restitution, you talk 
 to the deaf: his heart and soul, with all his 
 senses, are got among his bags, or he is 
 gravel}^ asleep and dreaming of a mortgage. 
 Tell a man of business that the cares of the 
 world choke the good seed; that we must 
 not encumber ourselves with mtich serving; 
 that the salvation of his soul is the one thing 
 necessary': 3'ou see indeed the shape of a man 
 before you, but his faculties are all gone off 
 among clients and papers, thinking how to 
 defend a bad cause or find flaws in a good 
 one; or he weareth out the time in drowsy 
 nods. 
 
 A third cause of the great neglect and scorn 
 
 of preaching ariseth from the practice of men 
 
 who set up to decry and disparage religion ; 
 
 these, being zealous to promote infidelity and 
 
 84 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 vice, learn a rote of buffoonery that serveth 
 all occasions, and refutes the strongest argu- 
 ments for piety and good manners. These 
 have a set of ridicule calculated for all ser- 
 mons and all preachers, and can be extremely 
 witty as often as they please upon the same 
 fund. 
 
 Let me now, in the last place, offer some 
 remedies against this great evil. 
 
 It will be one remedy against the contempt 
 of preaching rightly to consider the end for 
 which it was designed. There are many who 
 place abundance of merit in going to church, 
 although it be with no other prospect but 
 that of being well entertained, wherein if 
 they happen to fail, they return wholly dis- 
 appointed. Hence it is become an imperti- 
 nent vein among people of all sorts to hunt 
 after what they call a good sermon, as if it 
 were a matter of pastime and diversion. 
 Our business, alas! is quite another thing; 
 either to learn, or at least be reminded of 
 our dut\^ to apply the doctrines delivered, 
 compare the rules we hear with our lives and 
 actions, and find wherein we have trans- 
 gressed. These are the dispositions men 
 should bring into the house of God, and then 
 they will be little concerned about the preach- 
 er's wit or eloquence, nor be curious to in- 
 cjuire out his faults and infirmities, but con- 
 sider how to correct their own. 
 
 Another remedy against the contempt of 
 85 
 
Swift 
 
 preaching is that men would consider 
 w^hether it be not reasonable to give more 
 allowance for the different abilities of preach- 
 ers than thev usually do. Refinements of 
 style and flights of wit, as they are not 
 properly the business of any preacher, so 
 they cannot possibly be the talents of all. 
 In most other discourses men are satisfied 
 with sober sense and plain reason, and, as 
 understandings usually go, even that is not 
 over frequent. Then wh}^ they should be so 
 over nice in expectation of eloquence, where 
 it is neither necessary nor convenient, is hard 
 to iinagine. 
 
 Lastly, The scorners of preaching would do 
 well to consider that this talent of ridicule 
 they value so much is a perfection very 
 easily acquired and applied to all things 
 whatsoever, neither is anything at all the 
 worse because it is capable of being perverted 
 to burlesque; perhaps it may be the more 
 perfect upon that score, since we know the 
 most celebrated pieces have been thus treated 
 with greatest success. It is in an^^ man's 
 power to suppose a fool's cap on the wisest 
 head, and then laugh at his own supposi- 
 tion. I think there are not many things 
 cheaper than supposing and laughing ; and if 
 the uniting these two talents can bring a 
 thing into contempt, it is hard to know 
 wdiere it maj- end. 
 
 To conclude: — These considerations may 
 86 
 
Sleeping in Church 
 
 perhaps have some effect while men are 
 awake, but what arguments shall we use to 
 the sleeper? what methods shall we take to 
 hold open his eyes? Will he be moved by 
 considerations of common civility? We know 
 it is reckoned a point of very bad manners 
 to sleep in private company, when perhaps 
 the tedious impertinence of many talkers 
 would render it at least as excusable as the 
 dullest sermon. Do the}^ think it a small 
 thing to v^atch four hours at a play where 
 all virtue and religion are openly reviled, and 
 can they not watch one half hour to li^ai* 
 them defended? Is this to deal like a judge, 
 (I mean like a good judge,) to listen on one 
 side of the cause and sleep on the other? I 
 shall add but one v^ord more : that this in- 
 decent sloth is very much owing to that 
 luxury and excess men usually practise upon 
 this day, by which half the service thereof is 
 turned to sin, men dividing their time be- 
 tween God and their bellies, when after a 
 gluttonous meal, their senses dozed and 
 stupefied, they retire to God's house to sleep 
 out the afternoon. Surely, brethren, these 
 things ought not so to be. 
 
 "He that hath ears to hear let him hear." 
 And God give us all grace to hear and re- 
 ceive his holy word to the salvation of our 
 own souls! 
 
 87 
 
The Drapier's Letters, I, 
 
 89 
 
The Drapier's Letters. 
 
 [The Drapier's Letters were published anony- 
 mously in 1724. "They were directed against the 
 acceptance in Ireland of a copper coinage the 
 patent for supplying which had been accorded to 
 William Wood, who with the Duchess of Kendal, 
 the King's mistress, (who obtained him the privi- 
 lege), was to divide the profit arising from the 
 difference between the real and the nominal value 
 of the halfpence (about 40 per cent). Owing to 
 the public excitement raised by these letters the 
 patent was cancelled. Wood was compensated 
 with a pension, and Swift gained a popularity 
 which he never lost till his death. A large re- 
 ward was offered at the time for the discovery of 
 the author." — Century Dictionary.'] 
 
 LETTER THE FIRST. 
 
 TO THE TRADESMEN, SHOPKEEPERS, FARMERS AND 
 
 COUNTRY PEOPLE IN GENERAL, OF THE 
 
 KINGDOM OF IRELAND, 
 
 CONCERNING THE BRASS HALFPENCE COINED BY ONE WILLIAM 
 
 WOOD, HARDWAREMAN, WITH A DESIGN TO HAVE 
 
 THEM PASS IN THIS KINGDOM. 
 
 Wherein is shown the power of his Patent, the value of his Half- 
 pence, and how far every person may be obliged to take the 
 same in payments, and how to behave himself, in case such an 
 attempt should be made by Wood, or any other person. 
 
 CVERY PROPER TO BE KEPT IN EVERY FAMILY.) 
 
 by m. b. drapier, 1724. 
 
 Brethren, Friends, Countrymen, and Fellow- 
 Subjects : 
 What I intend now to say to you is, next 
 91 
 
Swift 
 
 to jour duty to God and the care of jour 
 salvation, of the greatest concern to j^our- 
 selves and jour children: jour bread and 
 clothing, and everj common necessarj of life, 
 entireh" depend upon it. Therefore I do most 
 earnestlj exhort jou as men, as Christians, 
 as parents, and as lovers of jour countrj, to 
 read this paper with the utmost attention, 
 or get it read to jou bj others ; which that 
 JOU maj do at the less expense, I have or- 
 dered the printer to sell it at the lowest rate. 
 
 It is a great fault among j^ou, that when 
 a person writes with no other intention than 
 to do 3'ou good, JOU will not be at the pains 
 to read his advices. One copj of this paper 
 maj serve a dozen of jou, which will be less 
 than a farthing a-piece. It is jour foUj that 
 JOU have no common or general interest in 
 jour vie\v, not even the v^^isest among jou ; 
 neither do jou know, or enquire, or care, 
 who are jour friends, or who are jour ene- 
 mies. 
 
 About four jears ago a little book was 
 written, to advise all people to wear the 
 manufactures of this our own dear countrj. 
 It had no other design, said nothing against 
 the king or parliament, or anj person what- 
 soever : 3^et the poor printer was prosecuted 
 two jears with the utmost violence, and 
 even some v^eavers themselves (for whose 
 sake it was written), being upon the JURY, 
 found him guilt3^ This would be enough to 
 92 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 discourage any man from endeavouring to do 
 you good, when you will either neglect him 
 or fly in his face for his pains, and when he 
 must expect onh" danger to himself, and to 
 be fined and imprisoned, perhaps to his ruin. 
 
 However, I cannot but warn you once 
 more of the manifest destruction before your 
 eyes, if you do not behave yourselves as you 
 ought. 
 
 I will therefore first tell you the plain story 
 of the fact ; and then I will lay before you 
 how \^ou ought to act, in common prudence, 
 according to the laws of j'bur countr3^ 
 
 The fact is this : It having been many j^ears 
 since copper halfpence (or farthings) were 
 last coined in this kingdom, they have been 
 for some time very scarce, and many counter- 
 feits passed about under the name of raps; 
 several applications were made to England 
 that we might have libert}^ to coin new ones, 
 as in former times we did; but they did not 
 succeed. At last, one Mr. Wood, a mean 
 ordinary man, a hardware-dealer, procured a 
 patent under his majesty's broad seal to 
 coin 108,000/. in copper for this kingdom ; 
 which patent, however, did not oblige any 
 one here to take them, unless they pleased. 
 Now \^ou must know that the halfpence and 
 farthings in England pass for ver\^ little more 
 than they are worth ; and if you should beat 
 them to pieces, and sell them to the brazier, 
 you would not lose much above a penny in 
 93 
 
Swift 
 
 a shilling. But Mr. Wood made his halfjjence 
 of such base metal, and so much smaller than 
 the English' ones, that the brazier would 
 hardly give you above a penny of good 
 money for a shilling of his ; so that this sum 
 of 108,0007. in good gold and silver, must be 
 given for trash that will not be worth eight 
 or nine thousand pounds real value. But 
 this is not the worst; for Mr. Wood, when 
 he pleases, may by stealth send over another 
 108,000/., and buy all our goods for eleven 
 parts in twelve under the value. For ex- 
 ample, if a hatter sells a dozen of hats for 
 5s. a-piece, which amounts to 3/., and receives 
 the payment in Wood's coin, he realh^ receives 
 onh^ the value of 5s. 
 
 Perhaps 3'ou will wonder how such an 
 ordinary fellow as this Mr. Wood could have 
 so much interest, as to get his majesty's 
 broad seal for so great a sum of bad money 
 to be sent to this poor country'-; and that 
 all the nobility and gentry here could not 
 obtain the same favour, and let us make our 
 own halfpence as we used to do. Now I will 
 make that matter very plain: we are at a 
 great distance from the king's court, and 
 have nobod}^ there to solicit for us, although 
 a great number of lords and 'squires, whose 
 estates are here, and are our countrymen, 
 spend all their lives and fortunes there; but 
 this same Mr. Wood was able to attend con- 
 stantly for his own interest ; he is an English- 
 94. 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 man, and had great friends ; and, it seems, 
 knew very well where to give money to those 
 that would speak to others, that could speak 
 to the king and would tell a fair stor^^ And 
 his majesty, and perhaps the great lord or 
 lords who advise him, might think it was for 
 our country's good; and so, as the lawA'crs 
 express it, "the king was deceived in his 
 grant," which often happens in all reigns. 
 And I am sure if his majesty knew that such 
 a patent, if it should take effect according to 
 the desire of Mr. Wood, would utterly ruin 
 this kingdom, which has given such great 
 proofs of its loyalty, he w^ould immediately 
 recall it, and perhaps show his displeasure to 
 somebody or other; but a word to the wise 
 is enough. Most of you must have heard 
 with what anger our honourable house of 
 commons received an account of this Wood's 
 patent. There were several fine sjDceches 
 made upon it, and plain proofs that it was 
 all a wicked cheat from the bottom to the 
 top; and several smart votes were printed, 
 which that same Wood had the assurance to 
 answer likewise in print ; and in so confident 
 a way, as if he were a better man than our 
 whole parliament put together. 
 
 This Wood, as soon as his patent was 
 passed, or soon after, sends over a great 
 many barrels of those halfpence to Cork and 
 other seaport towns; and to get them off, 
 offered a hundred pounds in his coin for sev- 
 95 
 
Swift 
 
 e»ty or eighty in silver ; but the collectors of 
 the king's customs ver^^ honestly refused to 
 take them, and so did almost everybody 
 else. And since the parliament has con- 
 demned them, and desired the king that they 
 might be stopped, all the kingdom do abomi- 
 nate them. 
 
 But Wood is still working underhand to 
 force his halfpence upon us; and if he can, by 
 the help of his friends in England, prevail so 
 far as to get an order that the commissioners 
 and collectors of the king's money shall re- 
 ceive them, and that the army is to be paid 
 with them, then he thinks his work shall be 
 done. And this is the difficulty you will be 
 under in such a case ; for the common soldier, 
 when he goes to the market or alehouse, will 
 offer this monc}-; and if it be refused, perhaps 
 he Avill swagger and hector, and threaten to 
 beat the butcher or alewife, or take the 
 goods b}^ force, and throw them the bad 
 halfpence. In this and the like cases, the 
 shopkeeper or victualler, or any other trades- 
 man, has no more to do than to demand ten 
 times the price of his goods, if it is to be jDaid 
 in Wood's money; for example, 20c/. of that 
 mone\" for a quart of ale, and so in all 
 things else, and not part with his goods till 
 he gets the money. 
 
 For, suppose \^ou go to an alehouse with 
 that base money, and the landlord gives you 
 a quart for four of those halfpence, what 
 96 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 must the victualler do? his brewer will not 
 be paid in that coin ; or, if the brewer should 
 be such a fool, the farmers will not take it 
 from them for their bere,* because they are 
 bound b\^ their leases to pay their rent in 
 good and lawful money of England; which 
 this is not, nor of Ireland neither; and the 
 squire, their landlord, will never be so be- 
 witched to take such trash for his land ; so 
 that it must certainly stop somewhere or 
 other; and wherever it stops, it is the same 
 thing, and we are all undone. 
 
 The common weight of these halfpence is 
 between four and five to an ounce — suppose 
 five; then 3s. 4c/. w^ill weigh a pound, and 
 consequently 20s. w^ll weigh six pounds, 
 butter weight. Now there are many hun- 
 dred farmers w^ho pay 200/. a-year rent; 
 therefore, when one of these farmers comes 
 w4th his half-3^ear's rent, which is 100/., it 
 w411 be at least 600 pounds' weight, w^hich 
 is three horses' load. 
 
 If a 'squire has a mind to come to town to 
 buy clothes, and wine, and spices, for himself 
 and family, or perhaps to pass the winter 
 here, he must bring with him five or six 
 horses well laden with sacks, as the farmers 
 bring their corn; and when his lady comes 
 in her coach to our shops, it must be fol- 
 lowed by a car loaded with Mr. Wood's 
 money. And I hope w^e shall have the 
 * A sort of barley in Ireland. 
 7 97 
 
Swift 
 
 grace to take it for no more than it is 
 worth. 
 
 The}' sa}?- 'squire ConolK' [the speaker] has 
 16,0007. a-year; now, if he sends for his rent 
 to town, as it is Hkely he does, he must have 
 250 horses to bring up his half-year's rent, 
 and two or three great cellars in his house 
 for stowage. But what the bankers will do 
 I cannot tell; for I am assured that some 
 great bankers keep by them 40,0007. in ready 
 cash, to answer all pa^mients; which sum, 
 in Mr. Wood's money, would require 1,200 
 horses to carry it. 
 
 For my own 23art, I am already resolved 
 what to do : I have a pretty good shop of 
 Irish stuffs and silks ; and instead of taking 
 Mr. Wood's bad copper, I intend to truck 
 with my neighbours, the butchers and bakers 
 and brewers, and the rest, goods for goods ; 
 and the little gold and silver I have I will 
 keep by me, like my hea,rt's blood, till better 
 times, or until I am just ready to starve; 
 and then I will buy Mr. Wood's mone^^, as 
 my father did the brass money in King 
 James's time, who could buy 107. of it with 
 a guinea; and I hope to get as much for a 
 pistole, and so purchase bread from those 
 who will be such fools as to sell it me. 
 
 These halfpence, if they once pass, will 
 
 soon be counterfeited, because it ma\' be 
 
 cheapl}' done, the stuff is so base. The 
 
 Dutch likewise will probably' do the same 
 
 98 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 thing, and send them over to ns to pay for 
 our goods; and Mr. Wood will never be at 
 rest, but coin on: so that in some years we 
 shall have at least five times 108,000/. of 
 this lumber. Now the current money of this 
 kingdom is not reckoned to be above 400,- 
 000/. in all ; and while there is a silver six- 
 pence left, these blood-suckers will never be 
 quiet. 
 
 When once the kingdom is reduced to such 
 a condition, I will tell you what must be the 
 end: the gentlemen of estates will all turn 
 off their tenants for want of pajmients, be- 
 cause, as I told you before, the tenants are 
 obliged by their leases to pay sterling, which 
 is lawful current money of England ; then 
 they will turn their own farmers, as too 
 many of them do alread}^, run all into sheep 
 where they can, keeping only such other 
 cattle as are necessary; then they will be 
 their own merchants, and send their wool, 
 and butter, and hides, and linen, beyond sea, 
 for ready monc}^, and wine, and spices, and 
 silks. They will keep only a few miserable 
 cottagers : the farmers must rob, or beg, or 
 leave their country; the shopkeepers in this 
 and every other town must break and 
 starve; for it is the landed man that main- 
 tains the merchant, and shopkeeper, and 
 handicraftsman. 
 
 But when the 'squire turns farmer and 
 merchant himself, all the good money he gets 
 
 LofC. 99 
 
Swift 
 
 from abroad he will hoard up to send for 
 England, and keep some poor tailor or 
 Aveaver, and the like, in his own house, who 
 will be glad to get bread at any rate. 
 
 I should never have done if I were to tell 
 you all the miseries that we shall undergo if 
 we be so foolish and w^icked as to take this 
 cursed coin. It would be very hard if all 
 Ireland should be put into one scale, and 
 this sorry fellow Wood into the other; that 
 Mr. Wood should weigh down this whole 
 kingdom, b\^ which England gets above a 
 million of good money every year clear into 
 their pockets: and that is more than the 
 English do by all the v^orld besides. 
 
 But 3'our great comfort is, that as his 
 majest3^'s patent does not oblige you to take 
 this mone}^ so the laws haA^e not given the 
 crown a power of forcing the subject, to take 
 what money the king pleases; for then, by 
 the same reason, we might be bound to take 
 pebble-stones, or cockle-shells, or stamped 
 leather, for current coin, if ever we should 
 happen to live under an ill prince; who 
 might likewise, by the same power, make a 
 guinea pass for ten pounds, a shilling for 
 twenty shillings, and so on; by which he 
 would, in a short time, get all the silver and 
 gold of the kingdom into his own hands, and 
 leave us nothing but brass or leather, or 
 what he pleased. Neither is an\^thing reck- 
 oned more cruel and oppressive in the French 
 100 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 government than their common practice of 
 calHng in all their money, after they have 
 sunk it very low, and then coining it anew 
 at a much higher value; which, however, is 
 not the thousandth part so wicked as this 
 abominable project of Mr. Wood. For the 
 French give their subjects silver for silver, 
 and gold for gold; but this fellow will not 
 so much as give us good brass or copper for 
 our gold and silver, nor even a twelfth part 
 of their worth. 
 
 Having said this much, I will now go on 
 to tell you the judgment of some great 
 lawyers in this matter, whom I feed on pur- 
 pose for your sakes, and got their opinions 
 under their hands, that I might be sure I 
 went upon good grounds. 
 
 A famous law-book, called "The Mirror of 
 Justice," discoursing of the charters (or 
 lav^^s) ordained b}^ our ancient kings, declares 
 the law to be as follows: "It was ordained 
 that no king of this realm should change or 
 impair the money, or make any other money 
 than of gold or silver, without the assent of 
 all the counties;" that is, as my lord Coke 
 says, without the assent of parliament. 
 
 This book is very ancient, and of great 
 authorit}^ for the time in v^^hich it was v^^rit- 
 ten, and with that character is often quoted 
 by that great lawyer my lord Coke. By the 
 law of England, the several metals are di- 
 vided into lawful or true metal, and unlawful 
 101 
 
Swift 
 
 or false metal ; the former comprehends silver 
 and gold, the latter all baser metals. That 
 the former is only to pass in payments ap- 
 pears by an act of parliament made the 20th 
 year of Edward I., called the statute concern- 
 ing the passing of pence ; which I give you 
 here as I got it translated into English ; for 
 some of our laws at that time v^^ere, as I am 
 told, written in Latin: "Whoever, in buying 
 or selling, presumes to refuse a halfpenny or 
 farthing of lawful money, bearing the stamp 
 which it ought to have, let him be seized on 
 as a contemner of the king's majesty, and 
 cast into prison." 
 
 B}^ this statute, no person is to be reckoned 
 a contemner of the king's majesty, and for 
 that crime to be committed to prison, but he 
 who refuses to accept the king's coin, made 
 of lawful metal; by which, as I observed 
 before, silver and gold only are intended. 
 
 That this is the true construction of the 
 act appears not only from the plain meaning 
 of the words, but from m^'- lord Coke's ob- 
 servation upon it. "By this act," says he, 
 "it appears that no subject can be forced to 
 take, in bujnng, or selling, or other pay- 
 ment, any money made but of lawful metal; 
 that is of silver or gold." 
 
 The law of England gives the king all 
 mines of gold and silver, but not the mines 
 of other metals; the reason of which pre- 
 rogative or power, as it is given bj' ni}^ lord 
 102 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 Coke, is, because money can be made of gold 
 and silver, but not of other metals. 
 
 Pursuant to this opinion, halfpence and 
 farthings were anciently made of silver, 
 v^hich is evident from the act of parliament 
 of Henry IV., ch. 4, whereby it is enacted 
 as follows: '^Item, for the great scarcity that 
 is at present within the realm of England of 
 halfpence and farthings of silver, it is or- 
 dained and established that the third part of 
 all the money of silver plate which shall be 
 brought to the bullion shall be made into 
 halfpence and farthings." This shows that 
 by the words "halfpence and farthings of 
 lawful money," in that statute concerning 
 the passing of pence, is meant a small coin 
 in halfpence and farthings of silver. 
 
 This is further manifest from the statute of 
 the 9th Edward III., ch. 3, which enacts 
 "that no sterling halfpenny or farthing be 
 molten for to make vessels, or any other 
 thing, by the goldsmiths or others, upon for- 
 feiture of the money so molten" (or melted). 
 
 By another act in this king's reign, black 
 money was not to be current in England. 
 And by an act of the 11th year of his reign, 
 ch. 5, galley halfpence were not to pass. 
 What kind of coin these v^^ere I do not know, 
 but I presume they were made of base metal. 
 And these acts were no new laws, but fur- 
 ther declarations of the old laws relative to 
 the coin. 
 
 103 
 
Swift 
 
 Thus the law stands in relation to coin. 
 Nor is there any example to the contrary, 
 except one in Davis's Reports, who tells us 
 "that in the time of Tyrone's rebellion, queen 
 Elizabeth ordered mone\^ of mixed metal to 
 be coined in the Tower of London, and sent 
 over hither for the payment of the army, 
 obliging all people to receive it; and com- 
 manding that all silver money should be 
 taken only as bullion:" that is, for as much 
 as it v^^eighed. Davis tells us several par- 
 ticulars in this matter, too long here to 
 trouble you Avith, and "that the priv^^- 
 council of this kingdom obliged a merchant 
 in England to receive this mixed money for 
 goods transmitted hither." 
 
 But this proceeding is rejected by all the 
 best law^^ers, as contrary to law, the privy- 
 council here having no such legal pow^er. 
 And besides, it is to be considered that the 
 queen was then under great difficulties by a 
 rebellion in this kingdom, assisted from 
 Spain ; and whatever is done in great exigen- 
 cies and dangerous times, should never be an 
 example to proceed b}^ in seasons of peace 
 and quietness. 
 
 I will now, m\^ dear friends, to save 3'ou 
 the trouble, set before you, in short, what 
 the law obliges you to do, and what it does 
 not oblige j'-ou to. 
 
 1st. You are obliged to take all money in 
 payments which is coined by the king, and 
 104 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 is of the English standard or weight, pro- 
 vided it be of gold or silver. 
 
 2dl3^ You are not obliged to take any 
 mone}' which is not of gold or silver; not 
 only the halfpence or farthings of England, 
 but of any other country. And it is merely 
 for convenience or ease that you are content 
 to take them; because the custom of coining 
 silver halfpence and farthings has long been 
 left off, I suppose on account of their being 
 subject to be lost. 
 
 3dly. Much less are you obliged to take 
 those vile halfpence of the same Wood, by 
 which you must lose almost eleven pence in 
 every shilling. 
 
 Therefore, my friends, stand to it one and 
 all ; refuse this filthy trash. It is no treason 
 to rebel against Mr. Wood. His majesty, in 
 his patent, obliges nobody to take these 
 halfpence: our gracious prince has no such 
 ill advisers about him: or, if he had, yet you 
 see the laws have not left it in the king's 
 power to force us to take any coin but what 
 is lawful, of right standard gold and silver. 
 Therefore j^ou have nothing to fear. 
 
 And let me in the next place apply myself 
 particularly to you who are the poorer sort 
 of tradesmen. Perhaps you may think you 
 will not be so great losers as the rich if these 
 halfpence should pass; because you seldom 
 see any silver, and your customers come to 
 your shops or stalls v/ith nothing but brass, 
 105 
 
Swift 
 
 which you likewise find hard to be got. But 
 you may take my word, whenever this 
 money gains footing among you, you will be 
 utterly undone. If you carry these half- 
 pence to a shop for tobacco or brandy, or 
 any other thing that you want, the shop- 
 keeper will advance his goods accordingly, 
 or else he must break, and leave the key 
 under the door. "Do j^ou think I will sell 
 you a yard of ten-penny stuff for twenty of 
 Mr. Wood's halfpence? no, not under 200 at 
 least; neither will I be at the trouble of 
 counting, but weigh them in a lump." I will 
 tell \'Ou one thing further, that if Air. Wood's 
 project should take, it would ruin even our 
 beggars; for when I give a beggar a half- 
 penny, it will quench his thirst, or go a good 
 way to fill his bellv ; but the twelfth part of 
 a halfpenny will do him no more service 
 than if I should give him three pins out of 
 my sleeve. 
 
 In short, these halfpence are like the "ac- 
 cursed thing, which," as the Scripture tells 
 us, "the children of Israel were forbidden to 
 touch." They will run about like the plague, 
 and destroy every one who lays his hand 
 upon them. I have heard scholars talk of 
 a man who told the king that he had in- 
 vented a \Yaj to torment people, by putting 
 them into a bull of brass with fire under it ; 
 but the prince put the projector first into his 
 brazen bull, to make the experiment. This 
 106 
 
The Drapier's Letters 
 
 very much resembles the project of Mr. Wood; 
 and the hke of this may possibly be Mr. 
 Wood's fate; that the brass he contrived to 
 torment this kingdom with may prove his 
 own torment and his destruction at last. 
 
 N.B. The author of this paper is informed, 
 by persons who have made it their business 
 to be exact in their observations on the true 
 value of these halfpence, that any person 
 may expect to get a quart of tv^o-penny ale 
 for thirty-six of them. 
 
 I desire that all families may keep this 
 paper carefully by them, to refresh their 
 memories whenever they shall have further 
 notice of Mr. Wood's halfpence, or any other 
 the like imposture. 
 
 107 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 109 
 
A Modest Proposal. 
 
 FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IRELAND 
 FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR COUN- 
 TRY AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL 
 TO THE PUBLIC. 1729. 
 
 ["I know nothing like it in any literature." — 
 Taine.] 
 
 It is a melancholy object to those who 
 walk through this great town or travel in 
 the country, when they see the streets, the 
 roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beg- 
 gars of the female sex, followed by three, 
 four, or six children, all in rags and impor- 
 tuning every passenger for an alms. These 
 mothers, instead of being able to work for 
 their honest livelihood, are forced to employ 
 all their time in strolling to beg sustenance 
 for their helpless infants ; who as they grow 
 up either turn thieves for want of work, or 
 leave their dear native country to fight for 
 the pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to 
 the Barbadoes. 
 
 I think it is agreed by all parties that this 
 prodigious number of children in the arms, 
 or on the backs, or at the heels of their 
 mothers, and freqi^ently of their fathers, is in 
 the present deplorable state of the kingdom a 
 111 
 
Swift 
 
 very great additional grievance ; and there- 
 fore whoever could find out a fair, cheap, 
 and easy method of making these children 
 sound useful members of the commonwealth, 
 would deserve so well of the public as to 
 have his statue set up for a preserver of the 
 nation. 
 
 But my intention is very far from being 
 confined to provide only for the children of 
 professed beggars; it is of a much greater 
 extent, and shall take in the whole number 
 of infants at a certain age who are born of 
 parents in effect as little able to support 
 them as those who demand our cliarit}^ in 
 the streets. 
 
 As to my own part, having turned my 
 thoughts for many years upon this impor- 
 tant suiaject, and maturely weighed the 
 several schemes of our projectors, I have 
 alwaj's found them grossh^ mistaken in their 
 computations. It is true, a child just 
 dropped from its dam, may be supported by 
 her milk for a solar year, w4th little other 
 nourishment ; at most not above the value 
 of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, 
 or the value in scraps by her lawful occupa- 
 tion of begging; and it is exactly at one year 
 old that I propose to provide for them in 
 such a manner as instead of being a charge 
 upon their parents or the parish, or wanting 
 food and raiment for the rest of their lives, 
 they shall on the contrary contribute to the 
 112 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 feeding, and partly to the clothing of many 
 thousands. 
 
 ^ There is likewise another great advantage 
 in my scheme, that it will prevent those 
 voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice 
 of women murdering their bastard children, 
 alas, too fre(|uent among us ! sacrificing the 
 poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid 
 the expense than the shame, which would 
 move tears and pity in the most savage and 
 inhuman breast. 
 
 The number of souls in this kingdom being 
 usualh^ reckoned one million and a half, of 
 these I calculate there ma}^ be about 200,000 
 couple whose v/ives are breeders ; from which 
 number I subtract 30,000 couple who are 
 able to maintain their owni children, (al- 
 though I apprehend there cannot be so 
 many, under the present distresses of the 
 kingdom;) but this being granted, there will 
 remain 170,000 breeders. I again subtract 
 50,000 for those women who miscarry, or 
 whose children die by accident or disease 
 "wdthin the year. There only remains 120,- 
 000 children of poor parents annually bom. 
 The question therefore is, how this number 
 shall be reared and provided for? which as I 
 have already said under the present situation 
 of affairs is utterly impossible by all the 
 methods hitherto proposed. For we can 
 neither eniplo}^ them in handicraft nor agri- 
 culture; we neither build houses (I mean in 
 8 113 
 
Swift 
 
 the country) nor cultivate land ; they can 
 very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, 
 till they arrive at six ^^ears old, except where 
 they are of towardly parts ; although I con- 
 fess they learn the rudiments much earlier; 
 during which time, they can however be 
 jDroperly looked upon only as probationers; 
 as I have been informed by a principal gen- 
 tleman in the county of Cavan, who pro- 
 tested to me that he never knew above one 
 or two instances under the age of six, even in 
 a part of the kingdom so renowned for the 
 Cjuickest proficiency in that art. 
 
 I am assured by our merchants, that a 
 bov or a girl before twelve years old is no 
 saleable commodity; and even when they 
 come to this age the\^ will not yield above 
 3/. or 37. 2s. Qd. at most on the exchange; 
 which cannot turn to account either to the 
 parents or kingdom, the charge of nutri- 
 ment and rags having been at least four 
 times that value. 
 
 I shall now therefore humbly propose my 
 own thoughts, which I hope will not be 
 liable to the least objection. 
 
 I have been assured by a very knowing 
 American of my acquaintance in London, 
 that a young healthy child well nursed is at 
 a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and 
 wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, 
 baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it 
 will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout. 
 114 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 I do therefore humbly offer it to pubHc 
 consideration that of the 120,000 children 
 already computed, 20,000 may be reserved 
 for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be 
 males; which is more than we allow to 
 sheep, black cattle or swane ; and my reason 
 is, that these children are seldom the fruits 
 of marriage, a circumstance not much re- 
 garded by our savages, therefore one male 
 will be sufficient to serve four females. Thus 
 the remaining 100,000 may at a year old, be 
 offered in sale to the persons of quality and 
 fortune through the kingdom : ahvays advis- 
 ing the mother to let them suck plentifully 
 in the last month, so as to render them 
 plump and fat for a good table. A child will 
 make two dishes at an entertainment for 
 friends ; and w^hen the family dines alone, the 
 fore and hind quarter will make a reasonable 
 dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or 
 salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth 
 day, especially in winter. I have reckoned 
 upon a medium that a child just born will 
 weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if 
 tolerably nursed, will increase to 28 pounds. 
 
 I grant this food will be somewhat dear, 
 and therefore very proper for landlords, who, 
 as they have already devoured most of the 
 parents, seem to have the best title to the 
 children. 
 
 Infant's flesh will be in season throughout 
 the year, but more plentifully in March, and 
 115 
 
Swift 
 
 a little before and after: for we are told by 
 a grave author, an eminent French ph^^si- 
 cian, that fish being a prolific diet, there are 
 more children born in Roman Catholic coun- 
 tries about nine months after Lent than at 
 am^ other season ; therefore, reckoning a year 
 after Lent, the markets will be more glutted 
 than usual, because the number of popish 
 infants is at least three to one in this king- 
 dom: and therefore it will have one other 
 collateral advantage, bv lessening the num- 
 ber of papists among us. 
 
 I haA^e already computed the charge of 
 nursing a beggar's child (in which list I 
 reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths 
 of the farmers) to be about 2s. per annum, 
 rags included; and I believe no gentleman 
 would repine to gi^^e 10s. for the carcass of 
 a good fat child, which as I have said will 
 make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, 
 when he has only some particular friend or 
 his own famih' to dine with him. Thus the 
 squire will learn to be a good landlord, and 
 groAV popular among his tenants; the mother 
 will have Ss. net profit, and be fit for work 
 till she produces another child. 
 
 Those who are more thrift}" (as I must 
 confess the times require) may flay the car- 
 cass; the skin of which artificialh' dressed 
 will make admirable gloves for ladies, and 
 summer boots for fine gentlemen. 
 
 As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be 
 116 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 appointed for this purpose in the most con- 
 venient parts of it, and butchers we may be 
 assured will not be wanting; although I 
 rather recommend buying the children alive 
 than dressing them hot from the knife as we 
 do roasting pigs. 
 
 A very worthy person, a true lover of his 
 country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, 
 was lately pleased in discoursing on this 
 matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. 
 He said that many gentlemen of this king- 
 dom, having of late destroyed their deer, he 
 conceived that the want of venison might be 
 well supplied by the bodies of young lads 
 and maidens, not exceeding 14 years of age 
 nor under 12 ; so great a number of both 
 sexes in every country being now ready to 
 starve for want of work and service; and 
 these to be disposed of by their parents if 
 alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. 
 But with due deference to so excellent a 
 friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot 
 be altogether in his sentiments ; for as to the 
 males, my American acquaintance assured 
 me, from frequent experience, that their flesh 
 was generally tough and lean, like that of 
 our school-boys b^^ continual exercise, and 
 their taste disagreeable ; and to fatten them 
 would not answer the charge. Then as to 
 the females, it would I think with humble 
 submission be a loss to the public, because 
 they soon would become breeders themselves : 
 117 
 
Swift 
 
 and besides, it is not improbable that some 
 scrupulous people might be apt to censure 
 such a practice, (although indeed very un- 
 justl}^,) as a little bordering upon cruelty; 
 which, I confess, has ahva^^s been wath me 
 the strongest objection against any project, 
 how w^ell soever intended. 
 
 But in order to justify my friend, he con- 
 fessed that this expedient was put into his 
 head by the famous Psalm anazar, a native of 
 the island of Formosa, Mrho came from thence 
 to London above twenty years ago, and in 
 conversation told my friend, that in his 
 countrj^ when any young person happened to 
 be put to death, the executioner sold the 
 carcass to persons of quality as a prime 
 dainty; and that in his time the body of a 
 plump girl of 15, who was crucified for an 
 attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to 
 his imperial majesty's prime minister of 
 state, and other great mandarins of the 
 court, in joints from the gibbet, at 400 
 crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if 
 the same use were made of several plump 
 young girls in this tov^^n, who Vv^thout one 
 single groat to their fortunes cannot stir 
 abroad without a chair, and appear at 
 pla\^house and assemblies in foreign fineries 
 w^hich thc}^ never w^ill pay for, the kingdom 
 w^ould not be the worse. 
 
 Some persons of a desponding spirit are in 
 great concern about that vast number of 
 118 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 poor people, who are aged, cllseased, or 
 maimed, and I have been desired to employ 
 my thoughts what course may be taken to 
 ease the nation of so grievous an encum- 
 brance. But I am not in the least pain upon 
 that matter, because it is very well known 
 that they are every day dying and rotting by 
 cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as 
 fast as can be reasonably expected. And as 
 to the young laborers they are now in al- 
 most as hopeful a condition ; they cannot get 
 work, and consequently pine a\vay for want 
 of nourishment, to a degree that if at any 
 time they are accidentally hired to common 
 labour, they have not strength to perform it ; 
 and thus the country and themselves are 
 happily delivered from the evils to come. 
 
 I have too long digressed, and therefore 
 shall return to my subject. I think the ad- 
 vantages by the proposal which I have made, 
 are obvious and many as well as of the high- 
 est importance. 
 
 For first, as I have already observed, it 
 w^ould greatly lessen the number of papists, 
 with whom we are yearly overrun, being the 
 principal breeders of the nation as well as 
 our most dangerous enemies ; and who stay 
 at home on purpose to deliver the kingdom 
 to the pretender, hoping to take their ad- 
 vantage b\^ the absence of so many good 
 Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave 
 their country than stay at home and pay the 
 119 
 
Swift 
 
 tithes against their conscience to an episcopal 
 curate. 
 
 Secondl}^, The poorer tenants will have 
 something valuable of their own, which by 
 law^ may be made liable to distress, and help 
 to pay their landlord's rent: their corn and 
 cattle being already seized, and money a 
 thing unknown. 
 
 Thirdh', Whereas the maintenance of 100,- 
 000 children, from two years old and up- 
 wards, cannot be computed at less than 10s. 
 a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be 
 thereby increased 50,0007. per annum, beside 
 the profit of a new^ dish introduced to the 
 tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the 
 kingdom w^ho have any refinement in taste. 
 And the money will circulate among our- 
 selves, the goods being entirely of our ow^n 
 growth and manufacture. 
 
 Fourthh^, The constant breeders, beside 
 the gain of 8s. sterling per annum by the 
 sale of their children, will be rid of the 
 charge of maintaining them after the first 
 year. 
 
 Fifthly, This food would likewise bring 
 great custom to taverns ; where the vintners 
 will certainh^ be so prudent as to procure the 
 best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and 
 consequently have their houses frequented by 
 all the fine gentlemen, who justly value 
 themselves upon their knowliedge in good 
 eating: and a skilful cook, who understands 
 • 120 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 how to oblige his guests, will contrive to 
 make it as expensive as they jDlease. 
 
 Sixthly, This would be a great inducement 
 to marriage, which all wise nations have 
 either encouraged by rewards or enforced bj 
 laws and penalties. It would increase the 
 care and tenderness of mothers towards their 
 children, when they were sure of a settle- 
 ment for life to the poor babes, provided in 
 some sort by the public, to their annual 
 profit or expense. We should see an honest 
 emulation among the married women, which 
 of them could bring the fattest child to the 
 market. Men would become as fond of their 
 wives during the time of their pregnancy as 
 they are now of their mares in foal, their 
 cows in calf, their sows when they are ready 
 to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them 
 (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a 
 miscarriage. 
 
 Many other advantages might be enumer- 
 ated. For instance, the addition of some 
 thousand carcasses in our exportation of 
 barrelled beef, the propagation of swine's 
 flesh, and improvement in the art of making 
 good bacon, so much wanted among us by 
 the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at 
 our table ; which are no way comparable in 
 taste or magnificance to a well-grov^n, fat, 
 yearling child, which roasted whole will 
 make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's 
 feast or any other public entertainment. 
 121 
 
Swift 
 
 But this and many others I omit, being 
 studious of brevit3\ 
 
 Supposing that 1,000 families in this city 
 would be constant customers for infant's 
 flesh, beside others who might have it at 
 merr^^'-meetings, particularh^ at weddings 
 and christenings, I compute that Dublin 
 would take off annually about 20,000 car- 
 casses ; and the rest of the kingdom (where 
 probably they will be sold somewhat 
 cheaper) the remaining 80,000. 
 
 I can think of no one objection that will 
 possibly be raised against this proposal, un- 
 less it should be urged that the number of 
 people will be thereby much lessened in the 
 kingdom. This I freely own, and it was 
 indeed one principal design in offering it to 
 the world. I desire the reader will observe 
 that I calculate my remedy for this one in- 
 dividual kingdom of Ireland and for no other 
 that ever v^^as, is, or I think ever can be upon 
 earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of 
 other expedients : of taxing our absentees at 
 5s. a-pound: of using neither clothes nor 
 household furniture except what is of our 
 own growth and manufacture: of utterly 
 rejecting the materials and instruments that 
 promote foreign luxury : of curing the expen- 
 siveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gam- 
 ing in our women : of introducing a vein of 
 parsimonj^, prudence, and temperance; of 
 learning to love our country, in :he want 
 122 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 of which we differ even from Laplanders and 
 the inhabitants of Popinamboo : of quitting 
 our animosities and factions, nor acting any 
 longer Hke the Jews, who were murdering 
 one another at the very moment their city 
 was taken : of being a Httle cautious not to 
 sell our country and conscience for nothing : 
 of teaching landlords to have at least one 
 degreeof mercy towards their tenants: lasth^, 
 of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and 
 skill into our shopkeepers ; who, if a resolu- 
 tion could now be taken to buy only our 
 negative goods, would immediately unite to 
 cheat and exact upon us in the price, the 
 measure, and the goodness, nor could ever 
 yet be brought to make one fair proposal of 
 just dealing, though often and earnestly in- 
 vited to it. 
 
 Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me 
 of these and the like expedients, till he has 
 at least some glimpses of hope that there 
 will be ever some hearty and sincere attempt 
 to put them in practice. 
 
 But as to myself, having been wearied out 
 for many years with offering vain, idle, 
 visionary thoughts, and at length utterly 
 despairing of success I fortunately fell upon 
 this proposal ; which, as it is wholly new, so 
 it has something solid and real, of no expense 
 and little trouble, full in our own power and 
 whereby we can incur no danger in disoblig- 
 ing England. For this kind of commodity 
 123 
 
Swift 
 
 ■will not bear exportation, the flesh being of 
 too tender a consistence to admit a long 
 continuance in salt, although perhaps I could 
 name a country which ^vould be glad to eat 
 up our TA'hole nation \vithout it. 
 
 After all, I am not so violently bent upon 
 my own opinion as to reject any offer pro- 
 posed by w4se men, which shall be found 
 equalh' innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. 
 But before something of that kind shall be 
 advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and 
 offering a better, I desire the author or 
 authors will be pleased maturely to consider 
 two points. First, as things now stand, 
 how the\^ w411 be able to find food and rai- 
 ment for 100,000 useless mouths and backs. 
 And secondly, there being a round million of 
 creatures in human figure throughout this 
 kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into 
 a common stock would leave them in debt 
 2,000,000/. sterling, adding those who are 
 beggars bj^ profession to the bulk of farmers, 
 cottagers, and laborers, with the wives and 
 children who are beggars in eflfect ; I desire 
 those politicians who dislike my overture, 
 and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt 
 an answer, that the\^ will first ask the par- 
 ents of these mortals, whether they would 
 not at this day think.it a great happiness to 
 have been sold for food at a year old in the 
 manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided 
 such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as the}^ 
 124 
 
A Modest Proposal 
 
 have since gone through by the oppression 
 of landlords, the impossibiHty of paying rent 
 without money or trade, the want of com- 
 mon sustenance, with neither house nor 
 clothes to cover them from the inclemencies 
 of the weather, and the most inevitable pros- 
 pect of entailing the like or greater miseries 
 upon their breed for ever. 
 
 I profess, in the sincerity of ni}^ heart, that 
 I have not the least personal interest in en- 
 deavouring to promote this necessary work, 
 having no other motive than the public good 
 of my country, by advancing our trade, pro- 
 viding for infants, relieving the poor, and 
 giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no 
 children by which I can propose to get a 
 single penny; the j^oungest being nine years 
 old, and my wife past child-bearing. 
 
 125 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 127 
 
Gulliver's Travels. 
 
 [Tlae first edition of "Gulliver's Travels" appeared 
 in 1726, but Swift had had the work in hand for 
 many years. His dominant motive in writing the 
 book is confessed in the letter to Pope, September 
 29, 1725, published in this volume. In a letter to 
 the Abbe des Fontaines, in August, 1727, Swift 
 remarks: "This Gulliver's adherents, who are 
 very numerous here, maintain that his book will 
 last as long as our language, because he does not 
 derive his merit from certain modes of expression 
 or thought, but from a series of observations on 
 the imperfections, follies, and vices of mankind." 
 By a singular literary fate, this bitter satire 
 against mankind has been handed down from 
 generation to generation because of its extraor- 
 dinary qualities as a work of fiction merely. It 
 has been one of the most widely read of chil- 
 dren's books, and the first two voyages, at least, 
 may be read almost without suspicion of the ter- 
 rible irony of the author.] 
 
 THE ARRIVAL IN LILLIPUT. 
 [From "A Voyage to Lilliput," Chap. I.] 
 
 My father had a small estate in Notting- 
 hamshire ; I was the third of five sons. He 
 sent me to Emanuel College in Cambridge, 
 at fourteen years old, w^here I resided three 
 years, and applied myself close to my studies; 
 but the charge of maintaining me (although 
 9 129 
 
Swift 
 
 I had a very scanty allowance) being too 
 great for a narrow fortune, I was bound 
 apprentice to Mr. James Bates, an eminent 
 surgeon in London, with whom I continued 
 four years; and my father now and then 
 sending me small sums of money, I laid 
 them out in learning navigation, and other 
 parts of the mathematics, useful to those 
 who intend to travel, as I always believed 
 it w^ould be some time or other my fortune 
 to do. When I left Mr. Bates, I went down 
 to my father; where, b\^ the assistance of hiin 
 and my uncle John, and some other relations, 
 I got forty pounds, and a promise of thirty 
 pounds a year to maintain me at Le\'den: 
 there I studied physic two years and seven 
 months, knowing it would be useful in long 
 voyages. 
 
 Soon after my return from Le^'den, I was 
 recommended b\' my good master, Mr. Bates, 
 to be surgeon to the Swallow, Captain 
 Abraham Pannell, commander; with whom 
 I continued three years and a half, making 
 a YoyagG or tw^o into the Levant, and some 
 other parts. When I came back I resolved to 
 settle in London, to which Mr. Bates, my 
 master, encouraged me, and by him I was 
 recommended to several patients. I took 
 part of a small house in the Old Jury; and 
 being advised to alter my condition, I mar- 
 ried Mrs. Mary Burton, second daughter to 
 Mr. Edmund Burton, hosier, in Newgate- 
 130 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 street, with whom I received four hundred 
 pounds for a portion. 
 
 But, my good master Bates dying in two 
 years after, and I having few friends, my 
 business began to fail; for my conscience 
 would not suffer me to imitate the bad 
 practice of too many among my brethren. 
 Having therefore consulted with my wife, 
 and some of my acquaintance, I determined 
 to go again to sea. I was surgeon succes- 
 sively in two ships, and made several voy- 
 ages, for six years, to the East and West 
 Indies, by which I got some addition to my 
 fortune. My hours of leisure I spent in read- 
 ing the best authors, ancient and modern, 
 being always provided with a good number 
 of books; and when I was ashore, in ob- 
 serving the manners and dispositions of the 
 people, as well as learning their language, 
 wherein I had a great facility by the strength 
 of my memory. 
 
 The last of these voyages not proving very 
 fortunate, I grew weary of the sea, and in- 
 tended to stay at home with my wife and 
 family. I removed from Old Jury to Fetter- 
 Lane, and from thence to Wapping, hoping 
 to get business among the sailors; but it 
 would not turn to account. After three 
 years' expectation that things would mend, I 
 accepted an advantageous offer from Captain 
 William Prichard, master of the Antelope^ 
 who was making a voyage to the South- 
 131 
 
Swift 
 
 Sea. We set sail from Bristol, May 4, 1699, 
 and our voyage at first was very prosper- 
 ous. 
 
 It would not be proper, for some reasons, 
 to trouble the reader with the particulars of 
 our adventures in those seas : let it suffice to 
 inform him, that in our passing from thence 
 to the East Indies, we were driven by a vio- 
 lent storm to the north-west of Van Diemen's 
 Land. By an observation, \ve found our- 
 selves in the latitude of 30 degrees 2 minutes 
 south. Twelve of our crew were dead by 
 immoderate labour and ill food, the rest were 
 in a ver\' weak condition. On the fifth of 
 November, which was the beginning of sum-r 
 mer in those parts, the weather being very 
 haz}^, the seamen spied a rock, within half a 
 cable's length of the ship; but the wind was 
 so strong, that we were driven directh' upon 
 it, and immediateh^ split. Six of the crew, 
 of whom I was one, having let down the 
 boat into the sea, made a shift to get clear 
 of the ship, and the rock. We rowed, by my 
 computation, about three leagues, till w^e 
 were able to work no longer, being already 
 spent with labour while we were in the ship. 
 We therefore trusted ourselves to the mercy 
 of the waves, and in about half an hour the 
 boat was overset by a sudden flurr\^ from the 
 north. What became of my companions in 
 the boat, as well as of those who escaped on 
 the rock, or were left in the vessel, I cannot 
 132 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 tell; but conclude they were lost. For my 
 own part, I swam as fortune directed me, 
 and was pushed forwards by wind and tide. 
 I often let my legs drop, and could feel no 
 bottom: but when I was almost gone, and 
 able to struggle no longer, I found myself 
 within my depth; and by this time the 
 storm was much abated. The declivit\^ was 
 so small, that I walked near a mile before I 
 got to the shore, which I conjectured was 
 about eight a clock in the evening. I then 
 advanced forwards near half a mile, but could 
 not discover any sign of houses or inhabi- 
 tants ; at least I was in so weak a condition, 
 that I did not observe them. I was ex- 
 tremely tired, and with that, and the heat of 
 the weather, and about half a pint of brandy 
 that I drank as I left the ship, I found my- 
 self much inclined to sleep. I lay down on 
 the grass, which was very short and soft, 
 where I slept sounder than ever I remember 
 to have done in my life, and, as I reckoned, 
 about nine hours; for when I awaked, it was 
 just day-light. I attempted to rise, but was 
 not able to stir : for as I happened to lie on 
 my back, I found my arms and legs were 
 strongly fastened on each side to the ground ; 
 and my hair, which was long and thick, tied 
 down in the same manner. I likewise felt 
 several slender ligatures across my body, 
 from my arm-pits to my thighs. I could only 
 look upwards, the sun began to grow hot, 
 133 
 
Swift 
 
 and the light offended mj eyes. I heard a 
 confused noise about me, but in the posture I 
 la\% could see nothing except the sk3^ In a 
 little time I felt something alive moving on 
 my left leg, which advancing gently forwards 
 over my breast, came almost up to my chin; 
 when bending m^^ eyes downwards as much 
 as I cotild, I perceived it to be a human 
 creature not six inches high,* with a bow 
 and arrow in his hands, and a quiver at his 
 back. In the mean time, I felt at least forty 
 more of the same kind (as I conjectured) 
 following the first. I was in the utmost 
 astonishment, and roared so loud, that they 
 all ran back in a fright ; and some of them, 
 as I was afterwards told, were hurt with the 
 falls the^' got by leaping from my sides upon 
 the ground. However, they soon returned, 
 and one of them who ventured so far as to 
 get a full sight of my face, lifting up his 
 hands and eyes b}^ way of admiration, cried 
 out in a shrill, but distinct voice, Hekinah 
 degtil: the others repeated the same words 
 several times, but then I knew not what 
 they meant. I lay all this while, as the 
 reader may believe, in great uneasiness : at 
 length struggling to get loose, I had the 
 fortune to break the strings, and wrench out 
 
 *Lilliput and its inhabitants are drawn on the 
 scale of one inch to a foot. In the "Voyage to 
 Brobdingnag" the scale is the same reversed, /.e., 
 one foot to an inch, 
 
 134 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 the pegs that fastened my left arm to the 
 ground; for, by Hfting it tip to my face, I 
 discovered the methods they had taken to 
 bind me, and at the same time with a vio- 
 lent pull, which gave me excessive pain, I a 
 little loosened the strings that tied down my 
 hair on the left side, so that I was just able 
 to turn m\^ head about two inches. But the 
 creatures ran oft^a second time, before I could 
 seize them ; whereupon there was a great 
 shout in a very shrill accent, and after it 
 ceased, I heard one of them cry aloud Tolgo 
 phonac; when in an instant I felt above an 
 hundred arrows discharged on my left hand, 
 which pricked me like so many needles ; and 
 besides, thc}^ shot another flight into the air, 
 as we do bombs in Europe, whereof many, I 
 suppose, fell on my body, (though I felt them 
 not) and some on my face, which I imme- 
 diately covered with my left hand. When this 
 shower of arrows was over, I fell a groaning 
 with grief and pain, and then striving again 
 to get loose, they discharged another volley 
 larger than the first, and some of them at- 
 tempted with spears to stick me in the sides; 
 but, by good luck, I had on a buft' jerkin, 
 which the\^ could not pierce. I thought it 
 the most prudent matter to lie still, and my 
 design was to continue so till night, when, 
 my left hand being already loose, I could 
 easily free myself: and as for the inhabitants, 
 I had reason to believe I might be a match 
 135 
 
Swift 
 
 for the greatest annies the\^ could bring 
 against me, if the}^ were all of the same size 
 with him that I saw. But fortune disposed 
 otherwise of me. When the people observed 
 I was quiet, they discharged no more ar- 
 rows ; but, by the noise I heard, I knew their 
 numbers increased ; and about four yards 
 from me, over against my right ear, I heard 
 a knocking for above an hour, like that of 
 people at work ; when turning m^- head that 
 way, as well as the pegs and strings would 
 permit me, I saw a stage erected, about a 
 foot and a half from the ground, capable of 
 holding four of the inhabitants, with two or 
 three ladders to mount it : from whence one 
 of them, who seemed to be a person of 
 quality, made me a long speech, whereof I 
 understood not one syllable. But I should 
 have mentioned, that before the principal 
 person began his oration, he cried out three 
 times, Langro dehul san: (these words and 
 the former were afterw^ards repeated and 
 explained to me). Whereupon immediately 
 about fift\^ of the inhabitants came and cut 
 the strings that fastened the left side of my 
 head, which gave me the liberty of turning it 
 to the right, and of observing the person and 
 gesture of him that was to speak. He ap- 
 jDcared to be of a middle age, and taller than 
 any of the other three who attended him, 
 whereof one was a page that held up his 
 train, and seemed to be somewhat longer 
 136 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 than my middle finger; the other two stood 
 one on each side to support him. He acted 
 every part of an orator, and I could observe 
 many periods of threatenings, and others of 
 promises, pity, and kindness. I answered in 
 a few words, but in the most submissive 
 manner, lifting up my left hand, and both 
 my eyes to the sun, as calling him for a 
 witness; and being almost famished with 
 hunger, having not eaten a morsel for some 
 hours before I left the ship, I found the de- 
 mands of nature so strong upon me, that I 
 could not forbear showing my impatience 
 (perhaps against the strict rules of decency) 
 by putting my finger frequently on my 
 mouth, to signify that I wanted food. The 
 Hurgo (for so they call a great lord, as I 
 afterwards learned) understood meveryv^ell. 
 He descended from the stage, and com- 
 manded that several ladders should be ap- 
 plied to my sides, on which above an hun- 
 dred of the inhabitants mounted and walked 
 towards my mouth, laden with baskets full 
 of meat, which had been provided and sent 
 thither by the King's orders, upon the first 
 intelligence he received of me. I observed 
 there was the flesh of several animals, but 
 could not distinguish them by the taste. 
 There were shoulders, legs, and loins, shaped 
 like those of mutton, and very well dressed, 
 but smaller than the wings of a lark. I eat 
 them by two or three at a mouthful, and 
 137 
 
Swift 
 
 took three loaves at a time, about the big- 
 ness of musket bullets. They suiDplied me as 
 fast as they could, showing a thousand 
 marks of wonder and astonishment at my 
 bulk and appetite. I then made another 
 sign that I wanted drink. They found by 
 my eating, that a small quantit}^ w-ould not 
 suffice me; and being a most ingenious peo- 
 ple, they slung up with great dexterity one 
 of their largest hogsheads, then rolled it to- 
 wards my hand, and beat out the top; I 
 drank it off at a draught, which I might 
 w^ell do, for it did not hold half a pint, and 
 tasted like a small wine of Burgundy, but 
 much more delicious. They brought me a 
 second hogshead, which I drank in the same 
 manner, and made signs for more, but they 
 had none to give me. When I had performed 
 these wonders, they shouted for joy, and 
 danced ujoon ni}^ breast, repeating several 
 times as they did at first, Hekinah degul. 
 They made me a sign that I should throw 
 down the two hogsheads, but first warning 
 the people below to stand out of the way, 
 crying aloud, Borach mivola^ and when they 
 saw the vessels in the air, there was an 
 universal shout of Hekinah degul. I confess 
 I was often tempted, while they were passing 
 backwards and forwards on my body, to seize 
 fortv or fift}^ of the first that came in my 
 reach, and dash them against the ground. 
 But the remembrance of what I had felt, 
 138 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 which probably might not be the worst they 
 could do, and the promise of honour I made 
 them, for so I interpreted my submissive be- 
 haviour, soon drove out these imaginations. 
 Besides, I now considered myself as bound 
 by the laws of hospitality to a people who 
 had treated me with so much expense and 
 magnificence. However, in my thoughts, I 
 could not sufficiently w^onder at the intrepid- 
 ity of these diminutive mortals, who durst 
 venture to mount and walk upon my body, 
 while one of my hands was at libert}^, with- 
 out trembling at the very sight of so pro- 
 digious a creature as I must appear to them. 
 After some time, when they observed that I 
 made no more demands for meat, there ap- 
 peared before me a person of high rank from 
 his Imperial Majesty. His Excellency, having 
 mounted on the small of my right leg, ad- 
 vanced forwards up to my face, with about 
 a dozen of his retinue. And producing his 
 credentials under the Signet Royal, which he 
 applied close to my eyes, spoke about ten 
 minutes, without any sign of anger, but 
 with a kind of determinate resolution ; often 
 pointing forwards, which, as I afterwards 
 found, was towards the capital city, about 
 half a mile distant, whither it was agreed by 
 his Majesty in council that I must be con- 
 veyed. I answered in a few words, but to 
 no purpose, and made a sign with my hand 
 that was loose, putting it to the other (but 
 139 
 
Swift 
 
 over his Excellenc3^'s head for fear of hurting 
 him or his train) and then to my own head 
 and body, to signify' that I desired my Hb- 
 erty. It appeared that he understood me 
 
 w 
 
 ell enough, for he shook his head bv w 
 
 '&^^' 
 
 of disapprobation, and held his hand in a 
 posture to show that I must be carried as a 
 prisoner. However, he made other signs to 
 let me understand that I should have meat 
 and drink enough, and ver^^ good treatment. 
 Whereupon I once more thought of attempt- 
 ing to break my bonds ; but again, when I 
 felt the smart of their arrows, upon my face 
 and hands, which were all in blisters, and 
 many of the darts still sticking in them, and 
 observing likewise that the number of my ene- 
 mies increased, I gave tokens to let them 
 know that they might do with me what 
 they pleased. Upon this, the Hurgo and his 
 train w^thdrew^, with much civilit\^ and 
 cheerful countenances. Soon after I heard a 
 general shout, with frequent repetitions of 
 the words, Peplom selan, and I felt great 
 numbers of people on my left side relaxing 
 the cords to such a degree, that I was able 
 to turn upon my right, and to ease myself 
 w^ith making water; which I very plenti- 
 fully did, to the great astonishment of the 
 people, who conjecturing by my motions 
 w^hat I was going to do, immediately opened 
 to the right and left on that side, to avoid 
 the torrent which fell with such noise and 
 140 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 violence from me. But before this, they had 
 daubed m^^ face and both mj hands with a 
 sort of ointment very pleasant to the smell, 
 which in a few minutes removed all the 
 smart of their arrows. These circumstances, 
 added to the refreshment I had received b_v 
 their victuals and drink, which were ver}' 
 nourishing, disposed me to sleep. I slept 
 about eight hours, as I was afterwards as- 
 sured; and it was no wonder, for the phy- 
 sicians, by the Emperor's order, had min- 
 gled a sleepy potion in the hogshead of 
 wine. 
 
 It seems that upon the first moment I was 
 discovered sleeping on the ground after my 
 landing, the Emperor had early notice of it 
 by an express ; and determined in council 
 that I should be tied in the manner I have 
 related, (which was done in the night while 
 I slept) that plenty of meat and drink should 
 be sent to me, and a machine prepared to 
 carry me to the capital city. 
 
 THE DIVERSIONS OF THE COURT. 
 
 [From "A Voyage to Lilliput," Chap. III.] 
 
 My gentleness and good behaviour had 
 
 gained so far on the Emperor and his court, 
 
 and indeed upon the army and people in 
 
 general, that I began to conceive hopes of 
 
 141 
 
Swift 
 
 getting my liberty in a short time. I took 
 all possible methods to cultivate this favour- 
 able disposition. The natives came by de- 
 grees to be less apprehensive of any danger 
 from me. I would sometimes lie down, and 
 let five or six of them dance on my hand. 
 And at last the boys and girls would venture 
 to come and pla}- at hide and seek in my 
 hair. I had now made a good progress in 
 understanding and speaking their language. 
 The Emperor had a mind one day to enter- 
 tain me with several of the country shows, 
 wherein they exceed all nations I have 
 known, both for dexterity and magnificence. 
 I was diverted with none so much as that of 
 the rope-dancers, performed upon a slender 
 white thread, extended about two foot, and 
 twelve inches from the ground. Upon which 
 I shall desire liberty, with the reader's pa- 
 tience, to enlarge a little. 
 
 This diversion is only practised b\' those 
 persons who are candidates for great em- 
 plo^anents, and high favour, at court. They 
 are trained in this art from their youth, and 
 are not always of noble birth, or liberal 
 education. When a great office is vacant, 
 either by death or disgrace, (which often 
 happens) five or six of those candidates peti- 
 tion the Emperor to entertain his Majesty 
 and the court with a dance on the rope, and 
 whoever jumps the highest without falling, 
 succeeds in the office. Very often the chief 
 142 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 ministers themselves are commanded to show 
 their skill, and to convince the Emperor that 
 they have not lost their factllt3^ Flimnap, 
 the Treasurer, is allowed to cut a caper on 
 the straight rope, at least an inch higher 
 than any other lord in the whole empire.* 
 I have seen him do the summerset several 
 times together upon a trencher fixed on the 
 rope, which is no thicker than a common 
 pack-thread in England. My friend Rel- 
 dresal, t principal Secretary for Private Affairs, 
 is, in m\^ opinion, if I am not partial, the 
 second after the Treasurer ; the rest of the 
 great officers are much upon a par. 
 
 These diversions are often attended with 
 fatal accidents, whereof great numbers are 
 on record. I m^^self have seen two or three 
 candidates break a limb. But the danger is 
 much greater when the ministers themselves 
 are commanded to show their dexterity; for, 
 by contending to excel themselves and their 
 fellows, they strain so far, that there is 
 hardly one of them who hath not received a 
 fall, and some of them two or three. I was 
 assured that a year or two before my ar- 
 rival, Flimnap would have infallibh^ broken 
 his neck, if one of the King's cushions, that 
 
 * The satire is directed against the Court of 
 George I. Flimnap represents Sir Robert Walpole, 
 the object of Swift's most bitter enmity. 
 
 f Reldresal is perhaps intended for Earl Stan- 
 hope, who succeeded Walpole in 1717. 
 143 
 
Swift 
 
 accidentally lay on the ground, had not 
 weakened the force of his fall.* 
 
 There is likewise another diversion, which 
 is only shown before the Emperor and Em- 
 press, and first minister, upon particular 
 occasions. The Emperor lays on the table 
 three fine silken threads of six inches long. 
 One is blue, the other red, and the third 
 green.f These threads are proposed as prizes 
 for those persons whom the Emperor hath a 
 mind to distinguish by a peculiar mark of his 
 favour. The ceremony is performed in his 
 Majesty's great chamber of state, where the 
 candidates are to undergo a trial of dexter- 
 ity very different from the former, and such 
 as I have not observed the least resemblance 
 of in any other country of the old or the 
 new world. The Emperor holds a stick in 
 his hands, both ends parallel to the horizon, 
 while the candidates advancing one by one, 
 sometimes leap over the stick; sometimes 
 creep under it backwards and forwards several 
 times, according as the stick is advanced or 
 depressed. Sometimes the Emperor holds 
 one end of the stick, and his first minister the 
 other ; sometimes the minister has it entirely 
 
 *A reference to Walpole's resignation in 1717. 
 The "King's cushion" is supposed to be the 
 Duchess of Kendal, one of the mistresses of George 
 I., by whose interest Walpole was restored to 
 office on the death of Stanhope in 1721. 
 
 f The ribbons represent those of the Garter, the 
 Bath, and the Thistle. 
 
 144 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 to himself. Whoever performs his part with 
 most agihty, and holds out the longest in 
 leaping and creeping, is rewarded with the 
 blue-coloured silk; the red is given to the next, 
 and the green to the third, which they all 
 w^ear girt twice round about the middle ; and 
 you see few great persons about this court, 
 who are not adorned with one of these 
 girdles. 
 
 THE ARRIVAL IN BROBDINGNAG. 
 
 [From "A Voyage to Brobdingnag," Chap. I.] 
 
 On the 16th day of June, 1703, a boy on 
 the top-mast discovered land. On the 17th 
 "we came in full view of a great island or 
 continent (for we knew not whether) on the 
 south side whereof was a small neck of land 
 jutting out into the sea, and a creek too 
 shallow to hold a ship of above one hundred 
 tons. We cast anchor within a league of this 
 creek, and our Captain sent a dozen of his 
 men well armed in the long-boat, with ves- 
 sels for water if any could be found. I de- 
 sired his leave to go with them, that I might 
 see the countrj^, and make what discoveries 
 I could. When we came to land we saw no 
 river or spring, nor any sign of inhabitants. 
 Our men therefore wandered on the shore to 
 find out some fresh water near the sea, and 
 I walked alone about a mile on the other 
 10 145 
 
Swift 
 
 side, where I observed the country all barren 
 and rocky. I now began to be wear}-, and 
 seeing nothing to entertain my curiosity, I 
 returned gently down towards the creek; and 
 the sea being full in my view, I saw our men 
 already got into the boat, and rowing for 
 life to the ship. I was going to hollow after 
 them, although it had been to little purpose, 
 when I observed a huge creature walking 
 after them in the sea, as fast as he could: 
 he waded not much deeper than his knees, 
 and took prodigious strides: but our men 
 had the start of him half a league, and the 
 sea the:"eabouts being full of sharp-pointed 
 rocks, the monster was not able to overtake 
 the boat. This I was afterwards told, for I 
 durst not sta\' to see the issue of that ad- 
 venture; but ran as fast as I could the way 
 I first went, and then climbed up a steep 
 hill, which gave me some prospect of the 
 countr^^ I found it fully cultivated ; but that 
 which first surprised me was the length of 
 the grass, which in those grounds that 
 seemed to be kept for hay, was about twenty 
 foot high. 
 
 I fell into a high road, for so I took it to 
 be, though it served to the inhabitants only 
 as a foot-path through a field of barley. 
 Here I walked on for some time, but could 
 see little on either side, it being now near 
 harvest, and the corn rising at least forty 
 foot. I was an hour walking to the end of 
 146 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 this field, which was fenced in with a hedge 
 of at least one hundred and twenty foot 
 high, and the trees so lofty that I could make 
 no computation of their altitude. There was 
 a stile to pass from this field into the next. 
 It had four steps, and a stone to cross over 
 when you came to the uppermost. It was 
 impossible for me to climb this stile, because 
 every step was six foot high, and the upper 
 stone above twent^^ I was endeavouring to 
 find some gap in the hedge, \vhen I dis- 
 covered one of the inhabitants in the next 
 field, advancing towards the stile, of the same 
 size with him whom I saw in the sea pursu- 
 ing our boat. He appeared as tall as an 
 ordinary spire-steeple, and took about ten 
 yards at every stride, as near as I could 
 guess. I was struck with the utmost fear 
 and astonishment, and ran to hide myself in 
 the corn, from whence I saw him at the top 
 of the stile, looking back into the next field 
 on the right hand, and heard him call in a 
 voice many degrees louder than a speaking- 
 trumpet : but the noise was so high in the 
 air, that at first I certainly thought it was 
 thunder. Whereupon seven monsters like 
 himself came towards him with reaping- 
 hooks in their hands, each hook about the 
 largeness of six scj^thes. These people were 
 not so well clad as the first, whose servants 
 or labourers the^^ seemed to be: for, upon 
 some words he spoke, they went to reap the 
 147 
 
Swift 
 
 corn in the field where I la3^ I kept from 
 them at as great a distance as I could, but 
 was forced to move with extreme difficulty, 
 for the stalks of the corn were sometimes 
 not above a foot distant, so that I could 
 hardly squeeze my bod}" betwixt them. How- 
 ever, I made a shift to go forwards till I 
 came to a part of the field where the corn 
 had been laid b}^ the rain and wind. Here 
 it was impossible for me to advance a step ; 
 for the stalks were so interwoven that I 
 could not creep through, and the beards of 
 the fallen ears so strong and pointed that 
 they pierced through my clothes into mv 
 flesh. At the same time I heard the reapers 
 not above an hundred yards behind me. Be- 
 ing quite dispirited with toil, and wholly 
 overcome by grief and despair, I lay down 
 between two ridges, and heartily wished I 
 might there end my days. I bemoaned my 
 desolate widow, and fatherless children. I 
 lamented m_y own foU}^ and wilfulness in 
 attempting a second A^oyage against the 
 advice of all my friends and relations. In 
 this terrible agitation of mind I could not for- 
 bear thinking of Lilliput, whose inhabitants 
 looked upon me as the greatest prodig\^ that 
 ever appeared in the world; where I was 
 able to draw an Imperial Fleet in my hand, 
 and perform those other actions which will 
 be recorded for ever in the chronicles of that 
 empire, while posterity shall hardly believe 
 148 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 them, although attested by millions. I re- 
 flected what a mortification it must prove to 
 me to appear as inconsiderable in this nation 
 as one single Lilliputian would be amongst 
 us. But this I conceived was to be the least 
 of my misfortunes : for, as human creatures 
 are observed to be more savage and cruel in 
 proportion to their bulk, what could I ex- 
 pect but to be a morsel in the mouth of the 
 first among these enormous barbarians that 
 should happen to seize me? Undoubtedly 
 philosophers are in the right when they tell 
 us, that nothing is great or little otherwise 
 than by comparison. It might have pleased 
 fortune to have let the Lilliputians find some 
 nation, where the people were as diminutive 
 with respect to them, as they were to me. 
 And who knows but that even this prodig- 
 ious race of mortals might be equally over- 
 matched in some distant part of the world, 
 whereof we have yet no discovery? 
 
 Scared and confounded as I was, I could 
 not forbear going on with these reflections, 
 when one of the reapers approaching within 
 ten yards of the ridge where I lay, made me 
 apprehend that with the next step I should 
 be squashed to death under his foot, or cut 
 in two with his reaping-hook. And there- 
 fote when he was again about to move, I 
 screamed as loud as fear could make me. 
 Whereupon the huge creature trod short, and 
 looking round about under him for some 
 149 
 
Swift 
 
 time, at last espied me as I lay on the 
 ground. He considered a while with the 
 caution of one who endeavours to lay hold 
 on a small dangerous animal in such a ftian- 
 ner that it shall not be able either to scratch 
 or bite him, as I m^'self have sometimes done 
 with a weasel in England. At length he ven- 
 tured to take me up behind by the middle 
 between his forefinger and thumlj, and 
 brought me v^dthin three yards of his eyes, 
 that he might behold my shape more per- 
 fectly. I guessed his meaning, and m3' good 
 fortune gave me so much presence of mind, 
 that I resolved not to struggle in the least 
 as he held me in the air about sixty foot 
 from the ground, although he grievously 
 pinched my sides, for fear I should slip 
 through his fingers. All I ventured Avas to 
 raise my eyes towards the sun, and place my 
 hands together in a supplicating posture, 
 and to speak some words in an humble 
 melanchoh^ tone, suitable to the condition I 
 then was in. For I ap])rehended every mo- 
 ment that he would dash me against the 
 ground, as we usually do any little hateful 
 animal which we have a mind to destroy. 
 But my good star would have it, that he 
 appeared pleased with my voice and gestures, 
 and began to look upon me as a curiosity, 
 much wondering to hear me pronounce artic- 
 ulate words, although he could not under- 
 stand them. In the meantime I was not 
 150 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 able to forbear groaning and shedding tears, 
 and turning my head towards my sides; let- 
 ting him know, as well as I could, how^ 
 cruelly I was hurt by the pressure of his 
 thumb and finger. He seemed to apprehend 
 my meaning ; for, lifting up the lappet of his 
 coat, he put me gently into it, and imme- 
 diatel}^ ran along with me to his master, who 
 was a substantial farmer, and the same per- 
 son I had first seen in the field. 
 
 THE KING ENQUIRES ABOUT ENGLAND. 
 
 [From "A Vovage to Brobdingnag," Chap. 
 YL] 
 
 I BEGAN my discourse by informing his 
 Majesty, that our dominions consisted of 
 two islands, which composed three mighty 
 kingdoms under one sovereign, beside our 
 plantations in America. I dw^elt long upon 
 the fertility of our soil, and the temperature 
 of our climate. I then spoke at large upon 
 the constitution of an English Parliament, 
 partly made up of an illustrious body called 
 the House of Peers, persons of the noblest 
 blood, and of the most ancient and ample 
 patrimonies. I described that extraordinary 
 care always taken of their education in arts 
 and arms, to qualify them for being coun- 
 sellors born to the king and kingdom; to 
 have a share in the legislature; to be mem- 
 151 
 
Swift 
 
 bers of the highest Court of Judicature, from 
 whence there could be no appeal ; and to be 
 champions always ready for the defence of 
 their prince and countr\^, by their valour, 
 conduct, and fidelit3^ That these were the 
 ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, 
 worthy followers of their most renowned 
 ancestors, whose honour had been the re- 
 ward of their virtues, from which their pos- 
 terity were never once known to degenerate. 
 To these were joined several holy persons, as 
 part of that assembh-, under the title of 
 Bishops, whose peculiar business it is to take 
 care of religion, and of those w^ho instruct 
 the people therein. These were searched and 
 sought out through the whole nation, by the 
 prince and his wisest counsellors, among 
 such of the priesthood as were most de- 
 servedly distinguished by the sanctity of their 
 lives, and the depth of their erudition ; who 
 were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy 
 and the people. 
 
 That the other part of the Parliament con- 
 sisted of an assembly called the House of 
 Commons, v^^ho were all principal gentlemen, 
 freely picked and culled out by the people 
 themselves, for their great abilities and love 
 of their country, to represent the wisdom of 
 the whole nation. And these two bodies 
 make up the most august assembly in Eu- 
 rope, to whom, in conjunction with the 
 prince, the whole legislature is committed. 
 152 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 I then descended to the Courts of Justice, 
 over which the Judges, those venerable 
 sages and interpreters of the law, presided, 
 for determining the disputed rights and 
 properties of men, as well as for the punish- 
 ment of vice, and protection of innocence. I 
 mentioned the prudent management of our 
 treasury ; the valour and achievements of our 
 forces by sea and land. I computed the 
 number of our people, by reckoning how 
 many millions there might be of each re- 
 ligious sect, or political party among us. I 
 did not omit even our sports and pastimes, 
 or any other particular which I thought 
 might redound to the honour of my country. 
 And I finished all with a brief historical ac- 
 count of affairs and events in England for 
 about an hundred years past. 
 
 This conversation was not ended under 
 five audiences, each of several hours, and the 
 King heard the whole with great attention, 
 fre({uently taking notes of what I spoke, as 
 well as memorandums of what questions he 
 intended to ask me. 
 
 When I had put an end to these long dis- 
 courses, his Majesty in a sixth audience con- 
 sulting his notes, proposed many doubts, 
 queries, and objections, upon every article. 
 He asked what methods were used to culti- 
 vate the minds and bodies of our young 
 nobility, and in what kind of business they 
 commonly spent the first and teachable part 
 153 
 
Swift 
 
 of their lives. What course was taken to 
 supply that assembly when any noble family 
 became extinct. Wliat qualifications \vere 
 necessary in those who are to lie created new 
 lords : whether the humour of the prince, a 
 sum of money to a court lady, or a prime 
 minister, or a design of strengthening a 
 party opposite to the pubhc interest, ever 
 happened to be motives in those advance- 
 ments. What share of kno^vledge these lords 
 had in the laws of their country, and ho\sr 
 they came by it, so as to enable them to 
 decide the properties of their fellow-subjects 
 in the last resort. WTiether they were always 
 so free from avarice, partialities, or want, 
 that a bribe, or some other sinister view, 
 could have no place among them. Whether 
 those holy lords I spoke of were always pro- 
 moted to that rank upon account of their 
 knowledge in religious matters, and the 
 sanctity of their lives, had never been com- 
 pliers with the times, while they were com- 
 mon priests, or slavish prostitute chaplains 
 to some nobleman, whose opinions they con- 
 tinued servilely to follow after they were 
 admitted into that assembly. 
 
 He then desired to know what arts were 
 practised in electing those whom I called 
 commoners: whether a stranger with a 
 strong purse might not influence the vulgar 
 voters to choose him before their o^wm land- 
 lord, or the most considerable gentleman in 
 154 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 the neighbourhood. How it came to pass, 
 that people were so violently bent upon 
 getting into this assembly, which I allowed 
 to be a great trouble and expense, often to 
 the ruin of their families, without any salary 
 or i:)ension: because this appeared such an 
 exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, 
 that his Majest}^ seemed to doubt it might 
 possibly not be always sincere: and he de- 
 sired to know whether such zealous gentle- 
 men could have any views of refunding them- 
 selves for the charges and trouble the}^ were 
 at, by sacrificing the public good to the de- 
 signs of a weak and vicious prince in con- 
 junction with a corrupted ministr}-. He 
 multiplied his questions, and sifted me thor- 
 oughly^ upon every part of this head, propos- 
 ing numberless enquiries and objections, 
 which I think it not prudent or convenient 
 to repeat. 
 
 Upon what I said in relation to our 
 Courts of Justice, his Majesty desired to be 
 satisfied in several points : and this I was the 
 better able to do, having been formerly al- 
 most ruined by a long suit in chancery, 
 which was decreed for me with costs. He 
 asked, what time was usuall}^ spent in de- 
 termining between right and wrong, and 
 what degree of expense. Whether advocates 
 and orators had liberty to plead in causes 
 manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, 
 or oppressive. Whether part}^ in religion or 
 155 
 
Swift 
 
 politics were observed to be of any weight 
 in the scale of justice. Whether those plead- 
 ing orators were persons educated in the 
 general knowledge of equity, or only in pro- 
 vincial, national, and other local customs. 
 Whether the}^ or their judges had any part 
 in penning those laws which they assumed 
 the liberty' of interpreting and glossing upon 
 at their pleasure. Whether they had ever at 
 different times pleaded for and against the 
 same cause, and cited precedents to prove 
 contrary opinions. Whether they were a rich 
 or a poor corporation. Whether they re- 
 ceived any pecuniary reward for pleading or 
 delivering their opinions. And particularly, 
 v^hether they were ever admitted as members 
 in the lower senate. 
 
 He fell next upon the management of our 
 treasury; and said, he thought my memory 
 had failed me, because I computed our taxes 
 at about five or six millions a year, and 
 when I came to mention the issues, he found 
 they sometimes amounted to more than 
 double ; for the notes he had taken were very 
 particular in this point, because he hoped, as 
 he told me, that the knowledge of our con- 
 duct might be useful to him, and he could 
 not be deceived in his calculations. But, if 
 what I told him were true, he was still at a 
 loss how a kingdom could run out of its 
 estate like a private person. He asked me, 
 who were our creditors; and where we 
 156 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 should find money to pay them. He won- 
 dered to hear me talk of such chargeable 
 and expensive wars ; that certainly we must 
 be a quarrelsome people, or live among very 
 bad neighbours, and that our generals must 
 needs be richer than our kings. He asked 
 what business we had out of our own 
 islands, unless upon the score of trade or 
 treaty, or to defend the coasts with our 
 fleet. Above all, he was amazed to hear me 
 talk of a mercenary standing army in the 
 midst of peace, and among a free people. He 
 said, if we were governed by our ow^n con- 
 sent in the persons of our representatives, he 
 could not imagine of whom we were afraid, 
 or against whom we were to fight ; and 
 would hear my opinion, v^diether a private 
 man's house might not better be defended by 
 himself, his children, and family, than by 
 half a dozen rascals picked ujd at a venture 
 in the streets, for small wa^es, v^ho migrht 
 get an hundred times more by cutting their 
 throats. 
 
 He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic 
 (as he was pleased to call it) in reckoning 
 the numbers of our people by a computation 
 drawn from the several sects among us in 
 religion and politics. He said, he knew no 
 reason, why those who entertain opinions 
 prejudicial to the public, should be obliged 
 to change, or should not be obliged to 
 conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any 
 157 
 
Swift 
 
 government to require the first, so it was 
 weakness not to enforce the second: for a 
 man may be allowed to keep poisons in his 
 closet, but not to vend them about for 
 cordials. 
 
 He observed, that among the diversions of 
 our nobility and gentry, I had mentioned 
 gaining. He desired to know at \vhat age 
 this entertainment was usually taken up, 
 and when it was laid doAvn; how much of 
 their time it emplo\'ed ; whether it ever went 
 so high as to aifect their fortunes ; whether 
 mean, vicious people, by their dexterit\' in 
 that art, might not arrive at great riches, 
 and sometimes keep our very nobles in de- 
 j3endence, as well as habituate them to vile 
 companions, wholly take them from the im- 
 provement of their minds, and force them, 
 by the losses they have received, to learn and 
 practise that infamous dexterity upon others. 
 
 He was perfectly astonished with the his- 
 torical account I gave him of our affairs dur- 
 ing the last century, protesting it was only 
 an heap of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, 
 massacres, revolutions, banishments, the 
 very worst effects that avarice, faction, 
 hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, mad- 
 ness, hatred, envy, lust, malice, or ambition, 
 could produce. 
 
 His Majest}^, in another audience, was at 
 the pains to recapitulate the sum of all I had 
 spoken; compared the questions he made 
 158 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 with the answers I had given; then taking 
 me into his hands, and stroking me gently, 
 delivered himself in these words, which I 
 shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke 
 them in: My Httle friend Grildrig, you have 
 made a most admirable panegyric upon your 
 country ; j^ou have clearly proved that igno- 
 rance, idleness, and vice, are the proper in- 
 gredients for quahf\4ng a legislator: that 
 laws are best explained, interpreted, and ap- 
 plied by those vvdiose interest and abilities 
 lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding 
 them. I observe amcng you some lines of 
 an institution, which in its original might 
 have been tolerable, but these half erased, 
 and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by 
 corruptions. It doth not appear from all you 
 have said, how any one virtue is required 
 tov^'ards the procurement of any one station 
 among you ; much less that men are ennobled 
 on account of their virtue, that priests are 
 advanced for their piety or learning, soldiers 
 for their conduct or valour, judges for their 
 integrity, senators for the love of their coun- 
 try, or counsellors for their wisdom. As for 
 yourself (continued the King), who have 
 spent the greatest part of your life in trav- 
 elling, I am well disposed to hope you may 
 hitherto have escaped many vices of your 
 countr\\ But by what I have gathered from 
 your own relation, and the answers I have 
 with much pains wringed and extorted from 
 159 
 
Swift 
 
 you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your 
 natives to be the most pernicious race of 
 little odious vermin that nature ever suffered 
 to crawl upon the surface of the earth. 
 
 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF LAPUTA. 
 
 [From "A Voyage to Laputa," Chap. II. Gul- 
 liver has been cast away on a desert island, 
 and has discovered an extraordinary flying island 
 coming towards him through the air. It proves to 
 be inhabited; and the Laputians, for so the in- 
 habitants are called, take Gulliver aboard. The 
 following passage describes them. It is a satire 
 against philosophers and mathematicians.] 
 
 At my alighting I was surrounded b}'' a 
 crowd of people, but those who stood near- 
 est seemed to be of better quality. The}- be- 
 held me with all the marks and circum- 
 stances of wonder; neither indeed was I much 
 in their debt, having never till then seen a 
 race of mortals so singular in their shapes, 
 habits and countenances. Their heads were 
 all reclined either to the right or the left ; 
 one of their eyes turned inwards, and the 
 other directly up to the zenith. Their out- 
 ward garments were adorned with the fig- 
 ures of suns, moons, and stars, interwoven 
 with those of fiddles, flutes, harps, trumpets, 
 guitars, harpsichords, and many other in- 
 struments of music, unknown to us in Eu- 
 160 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 rope. I observed here and there many in the 
 habit of servants, with a blown bladder 
 fastened like a flail to the end of a short 
 stick, which they carried in their hands. In 
 each bladder was a small quantity of dried 
 pease, or little pebbles (as I was afterwards 
 informed). With these bladders they now 
 and then flapped the mouths and ears of 
 those who stood near them, of which prac- 
 tice I could not then conceive the meaning; 
 it seems, the minds of these people are so 
 taken up with intense speculations, that they 
 neither can speak, nor attend to the dis- 
 courses of others, without being roused by 
 some external taction upon the organs of 
 speech and hearing; for which reason, those 
 persons who are able to aflbrd it alwaA^s 
 keep a flapper (the original is climenole) in 
 their family, as one of their domestics, nor 
 ever walk abroad or make visits without 
 him. And the business of this officer is, 
 when two or more persons are in company, 
 genth' to strike with his bladder the mouth 
 of him who is to speak, and the right ear of 
 him or them to w^hom the speaker address- 
 eth himself. This flapper is likewise em- 
 ployed diligently to attend his' master in his 
 walks, and upon occasion to give him a soft 
 flap on his e3^es, because he is always so 
 wrapped up in cogitation, that he is in mani- 
 fest danger of falling down every precipice, 
 and bouncing his head against every post, 
 11 161 
 
Swift 
 
 and in the streets, of jtistling others, or being 
 justled himself into the kennel. 
 
 It was necessary to give the reader this 
 information, without which he would be at 
 the same loss with me, to understand the 
 proceedings of these people, as they con- 
 ducted me up the stairs, to the top of the 
 island, and from thence to the roj'al palace. 
 While we were ascending, they forgot several 
 times what thej^ were about, and left me to 
 myself, till their memories were again roused 
 by their flappers ; for they appeared alto- 
 gether unmoved b}^ the sight of mv foreign 
 habit and countenance, and by the shouts of 
 the vulgar, whose thoughts and minds were 
 more disengaged. 
 
 At last we entered the palace, and pro- 
 ceeded into the chamber of presence, where I 
 saw the King seated on his throne, attended 
 on each side by persons of prime quality. 
 Before the throne, was a large table filled 
 with globes and spheres, and mathematical 
 instruments of all kinds. His Majest^^ took 
 not the least notice of us, although our en- 
 trance was not without sufiicient noise, by 
 the concourse of all persons belonging to the 
 court. But he was then deep in a problem, 
 and we attended at least an hour, before he 
 could solve it. There stood by him on each 
 side, a young page, with flaps in their hands, 
 and when they saw he was at leisure, one of 
 them gently struck his mouth, and the other 
 162 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 his right ear ; at which he started ^like one 
 awaked on the sudden, and looking towards 
 me, and the company I was in, recollected 
 the occasion of our coming, Avhereof he had 
 been informed before. He spoke some words, 
 whereupon immediately a young man with a 
 flap came up to my side, and flapped me 
 gently on the right ear; but I made signs, 
 as well as I could, that I had no occasion 
 for such an instrument ; w^hich, as I after- 
 wards found, gave his Majesty and the whole 
 court a very mean opinion of my under- 
 standing. The King, as far as I could con- 
 jecture, asked me several questions, and I 
 addressed myself to him in all the languages 
 I had. When it was found, that I could 
 neither understand nor be understood, I was 
 conducted by his order to an apartment in 
 his palace (this prince being distinguished 
 above all his predecessors for his hospitality 
 to strangers), w^here two servants w^ere ap- 
 pointed to attend me. My dinner was 
 brought, and four persons of quality, whom 
 I remembered to have seen very near the 
 King's person, did me the honour to dine w4th 
 me. We had two courses, of three dishes 
 each. In the first course, there was a shoul- 
 der of mutton, cut into an equilateral tri- 
 angle, a piece of beef into a rhomboides, and 
 a pudding into a cycloid. The second course 
 was two ducks, trussed up into the form of 
 fiddles; sausages and puddings resembling 
 163 
 
Swift 
 
 flutes and haut-boys, and a breast of veal in 
 the shape of a harp. The servants cut our 
 bread into cones, c\'linders, parallelograms, 
 and several other mathematical figures. 
 
 While v^^e were at dinner, I made bold to 
 ask the names of several things in their 
 language; and those noble persons, by the 
 assistance of their flappers, delighted to give 
 me answers, hoping to raise my admiration 
 of their great abilities, if I could be brought 
 to converse with them. I was soon able to 
 call for bread and drink, or whatever else I 
 wanted. 
 
 After dinner my compam^ withdrew, and a 
 person was sent to me by th^ King's order, 
 attended by a flapper. He brought with him 
 pen, ink, and paper, and three or four books, 
 giving me to understand by signs, that he 
 was sent to teach me the language. We sat 
 too:ether four hours, in which time I wrote 
 down a great number of words m columns, 
 with the translations over against them. I 
 likewise made a shift to learn several short 
 sentences. For my tutor would order one of 
 my servants to fetch something, to turn 
 about, to make a bow, to sit, or stand, or 
 w^alk, and the like. Then I took down the 
 sentences in writing. He showed me also in 
 one of his books, the figures of the sun, 
 moon, and stars, the zodiac, the tropics, and 
 polar circles, together with the denomina- 
 tions of many planes and solids. He gave 
 164 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 me the names and descriptions of all the 
 musical instruments, and the general terms 
 of art in playing on each of them. After he 
 had left me, I placed all my words with their 
 interpretation in alphabetical order. And 
 thus in a few days, by the help of a very 
 faithful memory, I got some insight into their 
 language. 
 
 The word, which I interpret the Flying or 
 Floating Island, is in the original Laputa, 
 whereof I could never learn the true ety- 
 mology. Lap in the old obsolete language 
 signifieth high, and untuh, a governor, from 
 which they say, by corruption, was derived 
 Laputa, from Lapunttih. But I do not 
 approve of this derivation, which seems to 
 be a Httle strained. I ventured to offer to 
 the learned among them a conjecture of my 
 own, that Laputa was quasi lap outed; lap 
 signifying properly the dancing of the sun- 
 beams in the sea, and outed, a wing, which 
 however I shall not obtrude, but submit to 
 the judicious reader. 
 
 Those to whom the King had entrusted 
 me, observing how ill I was clad, ordered a 
 tailor to come next morning, and take my 
 measure for a suit of clothes. This operator 
 did his office after a diiferent manner from 
 those of his trade in Europe. He first took 
 my altitude by a quadrant, and then with a 
 rule and compasses, described the dimensions 
 and outlines of my whole body, all which he 
 165 
 
Swift 
 
 entered upon paper, and in six days brought 
 my clothes ver}^ ill made, and quite out of 
 shape, by happening to mistake a figure in 
 the calculation. But mj^ comfort was, that 
 I observed such accidents very frequent, and 
 little regarded. 
 
 During my confinement for want of clothes, 
 and b\^ an indisposition that held me some 
 days longer, I much enlarged mx" dictionary ; 
 and when I went next to court, was able to 
 understand many things the King spoke, and 
 to return him some kind of answers. His 
 Majesty had given orders that the island 
 should move north-east and by east, to the 
 vertical point over Lagado, the metropolis 
 of the whole kingdom below upon the firm 
 earth. It was about ninety leagues distant, 
 and our voyage lasted four days and a half. 
 I was not in the least sensible of the pro- 
 gressive motion made in the air by the 
 island. On the second morning about eleven 
 o'clock, the King himself in person, attended 
 by his nobility, courtiers, and ofiicers, having 
 prepared all their musical instruments, 
 plaj'cd on them for three hours without in- 
 termission, so that I ^vas quite stunned w4th 
 the noise ; neither could I possibly guess the 
 meaning, till my tutor informed me. He said 
 that the people of their island had their ears 
 adapted to hear the music of the spheres, 
 which always played at certain periods, and 
 the court was now prepared to bear their 
 166 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 part in whatever instrument the\' most 
 excelled. 
 
 In our journey towards Lagado, the capital 
 city, his Majesty ordered that the island 
 should stop over certain towms and villages, 
 from whence he might receive the petitions of 
 his subjects. And to this purpose several 
 pack-threads were let down with small 
 weights at the bottom. On these pack- 
 threads the people strung their petitions, 
 which mounted up directly like the scraps of 
 paper fastened by school-boj's at the end of 
 the string that holds their kite. Sometimes 
 we received w^ine and victuals from below, 
 w^hich were drawn up by pulleys. 
 
 The knowledge I had in mathematics gave 
 me great assistance in acquiring their phrase- 
 ology, which depended much upon that sci- 
 ence and music ; and in the latter I w^as not 
 unskilled. Their ideas are perpetually con- 
 versant in lines and figures. If they w^ould, 
 for example, praise the beauty of a woman, 
 or an}^ other animal, they describe it by 
 rhombs, circles, parallelograms, ellipses, and 
 other geometrical terms, or by w^ords of art 
 drawn from music, needless here to repeat. 
 I observed in the King's kitchen all sorts of 
 mathematical and musical instruments, after 
 the figures of w^hich the\^ cut up the joints 
 that were served to his Majesty's table. 
 
 Their houses are very ill built, the walls 
 bevil, without one right angle in any apart- 
 167 
 
Swift 
 
 ment, and this defect ariseth from the con- 
 tempt they bear to practical geometry, which 
 they despise as vulgar and mechanic, those 
 instructions they give being too refined for 
 the intellectuals of their workmen, which 
 occasions perpetual mistakes. And although 
 the\' are dexterous enough upon a piece of 
 paper in the management of the rule, the 
 pencil, and the divider, yet in the common 
 actions and behaviour of life, I have not seen 
 a more clums\^, awkward, and unhandy 
 people, nor so slow and perplexed in their 
 conceptions upon all other subjects, except 
 those of mathematics and music. They are 
 very bad reasoners, and vehemently given to 
 opposition, unless when the^^ happen to be of 
 the right opinion, which is seldom their case. 
 Imagination, fanc}-, and invention, the}'- are 
 v\,'holh' strangers to, nor have an\^ words 
 in their language b}^ which those ideas can 
 be expressed; the whole compass of their 
 thoughts and mind being shut up within the 
 two forementioned sciences. 
 
 Most of them, and especialh^ those w^ho 
 deal in the astronomical part, have great 
 faith in judicial astrolog}', although they are 
 ashamed to own it publicl3\ But what I 
 chiefly admired, and thought altogether un- 
 accountable, was the strong disposition I 
 observed in them towards news and politics, 
 perpetually enquiring into public affairs, giv- 
 ing their judgments in matters of state, and 
 168 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 passionately disputing every inch of a party 
 opinion, I have indeed observed the same 
 disposition among most of the mathemati- 
 cians I have known in Europe, although I 
 could never discover the least analogy be- 
 tw^een the two sciences ; unless those people 
 suppose, that because the smallest circle hath 
 as many degrees as the largest, therefore the 
 regulation and management of the world 
 require no more abilities than the handling 
 and turning of a globe. But I rather take 
 this quality to spring from a very common 
 infirmity of human nature, inclining us to be 
 more curious and conceited in matters where 
 we have least concern, and for which we are 
 least adapted either by study or nature. 
 
 These people are under continual disquiet- 
 udes, never enjoying a minute's peace of 
 mind; and their disturbances proceed from 
 causes which very little afiect the rest of 
 mortals. Their apprehensions arise from sev- 
 eral changes they dread in the celestial bod- 
 ies. For instance; that the earth, by the 
 continual approaches of the sun towards it, 
 must in course of time be absorbed, or swal- 
 lowed up. That the face of the sun will by 
 degrees be encrusted with its own effluvia, 
 and give no more light to the world. That 
 the earth very narrowly escaped a brush 
 from the tail of the last comet, which would 
 have infallibly reduced it to ashes ; and that 
 the next, which they have calculated for one 
 169 
 
Swift 
 
 and thirty years hence, will probably destroy 
 us. For, if in its perihelion it should ap- 
 proach within a certain degree of the sun 
 (as by their calculations they have reason to 
 dread) it will receive a degree of heat ten 
 thousand times more intense than that of a 
 red-hot giowmg iron ; and in its absence from 
 the sun, carry a blazing tail ten hundred 
 thousand and fourteen miles long; through 
 which if the earth should pass at the distance 
 of one hundred thousand miles from the 
 nucleus or main body of the comet, it must 
 in its passage be set on fire, and reduced to 
 ashes. That the sun daily spending its rays 
 without am^ nutriment to supph^ them, will 
 at last be wholly consumed and annihilated ; 
 w^hich must be attended with the destruction 
 of this earth, and of all the planets that re- 
 ceive their light from it. 
 
 Thev are so perpetually alarmed with the 
 apprehensions of these and the like impending 
 dangers, that the\' can neither sleep quietly 
 in their beds, nor have any relish for the 
 common pleasures or amusements of life. 
 When they meet an acquaintance in the 
 morning, the first question is about the sun's 
 health, how he looked at his setting and ris- 
 ing, and what hopes they have to avoid the 
 stroke of the approaching comet. This con- 
 versation the\^ are apt to run into with the 
 same temper that bo^-s discover, in delight- 
 ing to hear terrible stories of sprites and 
 170 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 hobgoblins, which they greedily listen to, 
 and dare not go to bed for fear. 
 
 The women of the island have abundance 
 of vivacity: they contemn their husbands, 
 and are exceedingly fond of strangers, 
 v^hereof there is aKvays a considerable num- 
 ber from the continent below^, attending at 
 court, either upon affairs of the several 
 towns and corporations, or their own partic- 
 ular occasions, but are much despised, be- 
 cause they want the same endowmients. 
 Among these the ladies choose their gallants : 
 but the vexation is, that they act wath too 
 much ease and security, for the husband is 
 always so rapt in speculation, that the mis- 
 tress and lover may proceed to the greatest 
 familiarities before his face, if he be but pro- 
 vided with paper and implements, and with- 
 out his flapper at his side. 
 
 The wives and daughters lament their con- 
 finement to the island,, although I think it 
 the most delicious spot of ground in the 
 world; and although they live here in the 
 greatest plenty and magnificence, and are 
 allowed to do whatever they please, they 
 long to see the world, and take the diver- 
 sions of the metropolis, w^hich they are not 
 allowed to do without a particular license 
 from the King; and this is not easy to be* 
 obtained, because the people of quality have 
 found, by frequent experience, how hard it is 
 to persuade their women to return from be- 
 171 
 
Swift 
 
 low. I was told that a great court lady, 
 who had several children, is married to the 
 prime minister, the richest subject in the 
 kingdom, a very graceful person, extremely 
 fond of her, and lives in the finest palace of 
 the island, went down to Lagado, on the 
 pretence of health, there hid herself for sev- 
 eral months, till the King sent a warrant to 
 search for her, and she was found in an ob- 
 scure eating-house all in rags, having pawned 
 her clothes to maintain an old deformed 
 footman, who beat her everj^ day, and in 
 whose company she was taken much against 
 her wnll. And although her husband received 
 her with all possible kindness, and without 
 the least reproach, she soon after contrived 
 to steal down again v^4th all her jewels, to 
 the same gallant, and hath not been heard of 
 since. 
 
 This may perhaps pass with the reader 
 rather for an European or English story, 
 than for one of a country so remote. But 
 he may please to consider, that the caprices 
 of womankind are not limited b}^ any climate 
 or nation, and that they are much more 
 uniform than can be easily imagined. 
 
 In about a month's time I had made a 
 tolerable proficiency in their language, and 
 was able to answer most of the King's 
 questions, when I had the honour to attend 
 him. His Majesty" discovered not the least 
 curiosity to enquire into the laws, govem- 
 172 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 ment, history, religion, or manners of the 
 countries where I had been, but confined his 
 questions to the state of mathematics, and 
 received the account I gave him wath great 
 contempt and indifference, though often 
 roused by his flapper on each side. 
 
 THE ENGLISH YAHOOS. 
 
 [From "A Voyage to the Country of the Hou- 
 yhnhnms," Chapter V. The fourth and last of 
 Gulliver's voyages brings him to a land where 
 horses (the Houyhnhnms) have every virtue and 
 govern the state, while men (the Yahoos) are 
 beasts, only sunk in worse than bestial degrada- 
 tion. Much of this fourth book of voyages is too 
 repulsive for quotation, but there is a passage of 
 perennial significance in this fifth chapter, describ- 
 ing human warfare as it may be conceived to 
 appear to an enlightened brute, like Gulliver's 
 Houyhnhnm master.] 
 
 The reader may please to observe, that the 
 foUov^ang extract of many conversations I 
 had with my master, contains a summary of 
 the most material points, which were dis- 
 4 coursed at several times for above two 
 years ; his Honour often desiring fuller satis- 
 faction as I farther improved in the Hou- 
 yhnhnm tongue. I laid before him, as well 
 as I could, the whole state of Europe; I dis- 
 coursed of trade and manufactures, of arts 
 and sciences; and the answers I gave to all 
 173 
 
Swift 
 
 the questions he made, as they arose upon 
 several subjects, were a fund of conversation 
 not to be exhausted. But I shall here only 
 set down the substance of what jDassed be- 
 tween us concerning mj^ own countr\^, reduc- 
 ing it into order as well as I can, without 
 any regard to time or other circumstances, 
 "while I strictly adhere to truth. My only 
 concern is, that I shall hardly be able to do 
 justice to my master's arguments and ex- 
 pressions, which must needs suffer by my 
 want of capacity, as well as by a transla- 
 tion into our barbarous English. 
 
 In obedience, therefore, to his Honour's com- 
 mands, I related to him the Revolution under 
 the Prince of Orange; the long war with 
 France entered into by the said prince, and 
 renewed by his successor, the present Queen, 
 wherein the greatest powers of Christendom 
 were engaged, and which still continued : I 
 computed at his request that about a million 
 of Yahoos might have been killed in the 
 whole progress of it; and perhaps a hundred 
 or more cities taken, and thrice as many 
 ships burned or sunk. 
 
 He asked me what were the usual causes 
 or motives that made one country go to 
 war with another. I answered they were 
 innumerable; but I should only mention a 
 few of the chief. Sometimes the ambition of 
 princes, who never think they have land or 
 people enough to govern; sometimes the 
 174 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 corruption of ministers, who engage their 
 master in a war in order to stifle or divert 
 the clamour of the subjects against their evil 
 administration. Difference in opinions hath 
 cost many millions of lives: for instance, 
 whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; 
 whether the juice of a certain berry be blood 
 or wine; whether whistling be a vice or a 
 virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, 
 or throw it into the fire; what is the best 
 colour for a coat, whether black, white, red, 
 or gray; and whether it should be long or 
 short, narrow or wide, dirty or clean ; with 
 manv more. Neither are any wars so furi- 
 ous and bloody, or of so long continuance, 
 as those occasioned b}' difference in opinion, 
 especialh' if it be in things indiflferent. 
 
 Sometimes the quarrel between two princes 
 is to decide which of them shall dispossess 
 a third of his dominions, where neither of 
 them pretend to any right. Sometimes one 
 prince quarreleth with another, for fear the 
 other should quarrel with him. Sometimes 
 a war is entered upon, because the enemy is 
 too strong, and sometimes because he is too 
 weak. Sometimes our neighbours want the 
 things which we have, or have the things 
 which we want ; and we both fight, till they 
 take ours or give us theirs. It is a very 
 justifiable cause of a war to invade a coun- 
 try after the people- have been wasted by 
 famine, destro^^ed by pestilence, or embroiled 
 175 
 
Swift 
 
 by factions among themselves. It is justifi- 
 able to enter into war against our nearest 
 ally, when one of his towns lies convenient 
 for us, or a territory of land, that would 
 render our dominions round and complete. 
 If a prince sends forces into a nation, where 
 the people are poor and ignorant, he may 
 lawfully put half of them to death, and make 
 slaves of the rest, in order to civilize and 
 reduce them from their barbarous wa}^ of 
 living. It is a A^ery kingly, honourable, and 
 frequent practice, when one prince desires the 
 assistance of another to secure him against 
 an invasion, that the assistant, when he 
 hath driven out the invader, should seize on 
 the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or 
 banish the prince he came to relieve. Alli- 
 ance by blood or marriage, is a frequent 
 cause of war bet\veen princes; and the nearer 
 the kindred is, the greater is their disposi- 
 tion to quarrel: poor nations are hungry, 
 and rich nations are proud; and pride and 
 hunger will ever be at variance. For these 
 reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the 
 most honourable of all others ; because a sol- 
 dier is a Yahoo hired to kill in cold blood as 
 many of his own species, w^ho have never 
 offended him, as possibly he can. 
 
 There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes 
 in Europe, not able to make war by them- 
 selves, who hire out their troops to richer 
 nations, for so much a day to each man ; of 
 176 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 which they keep three-fourths to themselves, 
 and it is the best part of their maintenance ; 
 such are those in Germany and other north- 
 ern parts of Europe. 
 
 What you have told me, (said my master) 
 upon the subject of \var, does indeed discover 
 most admirably the effects of that reason 
 you pretend to: however, it is happy that 
 the shame is greater than the danger; and 
 that nature hath left you utterly uncapable 
 of doing much mischief. 
 
 For your mouths lying flat with your 
 faces, you can hardly bite each other to any 
 purpose, unless by consent. Then as to the 
 claws upon your feet before and behind, they 
 are so short and tender, that one of our 
 Yahoos v^ould drive a dozen of yours before 
 him. And therefore in recounting the num- 
 bers of those who have been killed in battle, 
 I cannot but think that you have said the 
 thing- which is not. 
 
 I could not forbear shaking my head, and 
 smiling a little at his ignorance. And being 
 no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a 
 description of cannons, culverins, muskets, 
 carbines, pistols, bullets, powder, swords, 
 bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks, 
 undermines, countermines, bombardments, 
 sea fights ; ships sunk with a thousand men, 
 twenty thousand killed on each side; dying 
 groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, 
 confusion, trampling to death under horses' 
 12 177 
 
Swift 
 
 feet; flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed 
 with carcasses left for food to dogs, and 
 wolves, and birds of pray ; plundering, strip- 
 ping, ravishing, burning, and destro^'ing. 
 And to set forth the valour of mj- own dear 
 countrymen, I assured him, that I had seen 
 them blow up a hundred enemies at once in 
 a siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld 
 the dead bodies come down in pieces from the 
 clouds, to the great diversion of the spec- 
 tators. 
 
 I was going on to more particulars, when 
 my master commanded me silence. He said, 
 whoever understood the nature of Yahoos 
 might easil}^ believe it possible for so vile an 
 animal, to be capable of every action I had 
 named, if their strength and cunning equalled 
 their malice. But as m^^ discourse had in- 
 creased his abhorrence of the whole species, 
 so he found it gave him a disturbance in his 
 mind, to which he was wholly a stranger 
 before. He thought his ears being used to 
 such abominable words, might bj- degrees 
 admit them with less detestation. That 
 although he hated the Yahoos of this coun- 
 try', 3^et he no more blamed them for their 
 odious qualities, than he did a gnnayh (a 
 bird of prey) for its cruelty, or a sharp stone 
 for cutting his hoof But when a creature 
 pretending to reason, could be capable of 
 such enormities, he dreaded lest the corrup- 
 tion of that faculty might be worse than 
 178 
 
Gulliver's Travels 
 
 brutalit}^ itself. He seemed therefore confi- 
 dent, that instead of reason, we were only 
 possessed of some quality fitted to increase 
 our natural vices; as the reflection from a 
 troubled stream returns the image of an ill- 
 shapen bod\^, not onh' larger, but more dis- 
 torted. 
 
 179 
 
The Dean's Epitaph 
 
 181 
 
\l 
 
The Dean's Epitaph. 
 
 [Swift was buried beside Esther Johnson 
 (Stella) in his own Cathedral, St. Patrick's, Dub- 
 lin. His epitaph was written by himself.] 
 
 HIC DEPOSITUM EST CORPUS 
 
 JONATHAN SWIFT, S.T.P. 
 
 HUJUS ECCLESI.E CATHEDRALIS 
 
 DECANI. 
 
 UBI S.EVA INDIGNATIO 
 
 COR ULTERIUS LACERARE NEQUIT. 
 
 ABI VIATOR, 
 
 ET IMITARE SI POTERIS, 
 
 STRENUUM PRO VIRILI LIBERTATIS VINDICEM. 
 
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