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ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 As Presicfent Clariosophic Society 
 
 LJniversity of SoutK Carolina 
 
POEMS AND 
 PARAGRAPHS 
 
 BY 
 
 ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 1918 
 
 THE STATE COMPANY 
 
 COLUMBIA, S.C. 
 

 Copyright, 1918 
 
 BY 
 
 The State Company 
 
 .cc 
 
 B 28 1918 
 
 ©CI.A492309 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 The Poems of Robert Elliott Gonzales presented here, with one 
 or two exceptions, appeared first in The Carolinian and The Gar- 
 net and Blacky the student publications of the University of South 
 Carolina ; the paragraphs have been selected from the editorial 
 column which for nearly five years he conducted in The State. 
 Many of the poems were composed hurriedly as "fillers" for The 
 Carolinian^ to which he contributed frequently both prose and 
 verse, while all the paragraphs were written in the quick rush of 
 daily newspaper work. Many of the cleverest paragraphs have 
 been omitted from this collection because — so rapidly does the 
 world move, the subjects have passed away, or the incidents which 
 gave them point are no longer in the public mind. 
 
 In these poems and paragraphs are revealed the versatile attain- 
 ments of a mind which leaped in an instant from graceful poetic 
 imagery to the current slang of the ball field ; from classic forum 
 to the arena of modern politics; from the mythical lore of the 
 shadowy past to the insistent realities of today. The quaint and 
 kindly philosophy, the spontaneous humor, the shrewd and subtle 
 wit, and the rare gift of epigrammatic expression, were tempered 
 by an infinite human sympathy which sought to cheer and help 
 rather than hurt his fellows, — a generous nature which so con- 
 trolled and directed the keen shafts of the mind that, with the 
 power to wound and often the provocation, yet touched so chari- 
 tably the follies and foibles of mankind that he left no sting. 
 
 In this fine chivalric spirit he volunteered as a private soldier, 
 and in his country's service faithfully performed, laid down his 
 young life on the Mexican border, ending at 28 an earthly career 
 so full of achievement that its promise was immeasurable. 
 
 Ambrose E. Gonzales. 
 
POEIMS 
 
 THE DEATH OF ALARIC. 
 
 Amid a verdant clearing in the wild woods by the Rhine, 
 
 On whose pure and limpid waters the moonbeams dance and 
 
 shine, 
 Once there stood a little party in the days of long ago. 
 And there arose from out its midst many a doleful sound of woe ; 
 For Alaric, dread Alaric, that dire lord before whose nod 
 Half Christendom had trembled and made its prayers to God, 
 Upon the ground was lying, and his life was flowing fast ; 
 A javelin quivered in his breast, by some churlish Frank's hand 
 
 cast. 
 In the turmoil of the battle, in the fierce heat of the fray, 
 The Franks were pressing forward and lost then seemed the day. 
 When the Visigothic standard to our right appeared upraised 
 And our steel-clad King Alaric fell upon the foe amazed. 
 Then our rivals fled in terror, and gained then was the strife. 
 But, oh, the price we paid therefor — our great Alaric's life ! 
 
 But see ! Alaric staggers as he rises to his feet. 
 His eyes are wild and glaring, and his hand seeks now his sheath ; 
 His giant blade holds he on high : he stands with austere frown 
 As he reviews the battle's course ere Death had struck him down. 
 "Forward, Goths, in battle line ! Down with the Frankish slave ! 
 Clash sword on shield : We onward march to glory or the grave !" 
 Upon his breast where streams the blood down droops his massive 
 
 head. 
 He sways — he falls — his soul has flown — Alaric lies there — dead ! 
 Then silently and sullenly, all his arms and jewels won 
 In many lands and bloody frays, we heaped his corse upon. 
 
 In a robe of royal splendor, 'neath the rippling of the wave, 
 Alaric sleeps in solemn peace the calm sleep of the brave; 
 And when the dreaded Goth shall kneel before the Mercy Throne, 
 May all his sins forgiven be — God take him for His own ! 
 
POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 
 
 DIANA'S BEAMS. 
 
 Like a thousand bright fire-flies, 
 Dancing where the pond-mists rise, 
 Comes the moonlight o'er the sea. 
 Comes Diana's light to me. 
 
 Like the flash on Dragon's scales, 
 Where fleece-seeking Jason pales, 
 Comes the moonlight o'er the sea, 
 Comes Diana's light to me. 
 
 Like the gleams in mermaids' hair, 
 "Watching, sailors to ensnare, 
 Comes the moonlight o'er the sea. 
 Comes Diana's liffht to me. 
 
 -E., '07. 
 
 THE HAUNTS OF ASHUR. 
 
 'Tis night. And now is Dian seen 
 Ensconced upon her silver throne ; 
 The glittering, bright-eyed stars, serene. 
 In stately cohorts throw their sheen 
 Down on the chiseled Chalcic stone 
 Like spangled rays of baldric blue 
 That girds about the solemn waste. 
 Fire-streaked by dark's bediamonded zone. 
 No sound breaks on the desert deep; 
 Among the white and ghastl}' fanes 
 Is heard the zephyr's sighing moan. 
 Where sheeted legions vigil keep. 
 There sleeps the queenly Babylon, 
 Nor rears on high thrice-terraced cone. 
 Nor star-lit spire nor temple dome 
 Aflame with altars of the Sun. 
 Through corridor and court lush grown. 
 The lizard and the bat hold sway; 
 The mould of vears envelops all, 
 The palace and the cell decay. 
 And spectral shadows nightly wail 
 Great Ishtar and Assvrian Baal. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 THE LION'S WHELP. 
 
 They tell you that proud England's sun 
 
 Is sunk to rise no more ; 
 That like great Rome of olden time, 
 
 Her brightest days are o'er. 
 
 The Uhlan looks with jealous eye, 
 
 There snarling sulks the Gaul ; 
 With ancient hate appeased, they plot 
 
 Dominion over all. 
 
 They think to beard the Lion's den, 
 Theirs would be bloodless fight ; 
 
 Yet who in former years might brave 
 Imperial England's might? 
 
 But from across the wave there bursts 
 
 The roar of the Lion's whelp ; 
 Not heedless will her son regard 
 
 His mother's call for help. 
 
 ******** 
 
 So when the measured "Marseillaise" 
 
 Shall crash through the breadth of France, 
 
 And Germans chant "Die Wacht am Rhein," 
 Their glory to enhance — 
 
 Then will the dreaded Saxon cry 
 
 Go swelling o'er the plain ; 
 And as it rang through Harold's host, 
 
 Triumphant rise again ! 
 
 For brothers all shall Saxons be, 
 
 Though half the world apart; 
 A triple tie shall bridge the sea, 
 
 One voice, one mind, one heart ! 
 
POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 VANITAS. 
 
 Climbing and ever climbing 
 
 That pathless steep of the sky, 
 How many hours, little star. 
 
 For just one moment on high ! 
 
 Then by the same degrees falling 
 
 To the measureless depths below, 
 Thou learnest nought from the height thou hast known, 
 
 Save the depth of the depths to know. 
 
 But to that force that hurls thee 
 
 Both Zenith and Nadir are one; 
 And while thou dost still follow thy path, 
 
 Still all is well that is done. 
 
 — B., '07. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 [FroTn the Spanish.'] 
 Let jessamines of fragrance 
 
 Smile from above 
 On her delicate colour 
 
 That offers me love. 
 
 But she is so modest, 
 
 The little ingrate, 
 Denying each favor 
 
 With— shall I say hate? 
 
 Oh, bloom, ye fair roses 
 
 And violets blue. 
 For the face that is fair 
 
 And the love that is true. 
 
 But for eyes that are cruel 
 And know not to smile, 
 
 Let thistles reward them. 
 Avenging their guile. 
 
 B., '07. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 9 
 
 THE LOST EDEN 
 
 'Mid some forest dark and dismal where the moonbeams never 
 
 fall, 
 O'er whose cavern depths abysmal hovers night's eternal pall 
 Lies entombed man's long-sought Aiden, hid fore'er from mortal 
 
 ken, 
 And its breezes incense-laden, subtle, sensuous, sorrow-laden, 
 Sob and sigh through wood and glen. 
 
 Giant rocs on airy pinion swerving borne across Cathay, 
 Spy, mayhap, that fair dominion, banned by genii, elf and fay. 
 Hap it gleams where Niger crashes on his golden Afric strand — 
 Where the surf in thunder dashes and the tropical sun flashes 
 Warmly on the Carib land. 
 
 Somewhere in those radiant regions Lethe sinuously rolls; 
 Eblis leads his djinnish legions in their horrid quest for souls. 
 Athanasia reigns eternal ; pallid, waxen lilies grow 
 Where alyssum sheds supernal fragrance there forever vernal ; 
 Red the opiate poppies glow. 
 
 L'Envoi 
 
 Listen to the wondrous story 
 
 That the errant winds relate, 
 Breathing of bright Aiden's glory. 
 
 How it shines, irradiate. 
 How buds bourgeon efflorescent, 
 
 How appears the mystic dell ; 
 Ask the winds soon evanescent: 
 
 Ask — for they alone may tell. 
 
10 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE ISLE OF HEART'S DESIRE. 
 To R. F. 
 The Isle of Heart's Desire lies 
 A paradise, 'neath azure skies, — 
 With tinkling founts that splash and sing, 
 While routs of roses round them cling. 
 
 And mass and intertwine. 
 
 There roll the white-capped billows free, 
 Ensurging on the island's lea. 
 And Neptune's Tritons sport wdth glee, 
 And Mermen hold high revelry 
 Down in the dim depths of the sea, 
 In grottos coralline. 
 
 The isle of nectar, spice and meathe. 
 Of (attars) such as Angels breathe; 
 Of emerald dales, of leafy nooks, 
 Of sunny vales, of laughing brooks, 
 Of stars of trembling fires. 
 
 Within that lotused land of spring. 
 Perfumed with myrrhs that trade-winds bring, 
 How^ oft we've watched the osprey wing — 
 How oft the evening's westering 
 When thou wert Queen and I thy King, 
 As well as Heart's Desires. 
 
 THE SONG OF THE WIND. 
 
 I come unbidden o'er woodlands hidden 
 
 From the lore of men. 
 And I fly afar to the evening star 
 
 Of a tropic glen; 
 On the banks of the Nile and the Ganges I smile, 
 
 Caressing the sculptured face 
 Of one I had known on a royal throne 
 
 When the ages were reckoned by days. 
 Through sepulchres olden by eye unbeholden 
 
 I flit and I scurry and sing, 
 And I murmur a rune of the mystical moon 
 
 In the ear of a mummied King. 
 
 Regis. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 11 
 
 APRIL. 
 
 Thine eyes are the stars of the morning, 
 Thy breath is the breath of the rose; 
 And bright as the blossoms thy bosom adorning 
 The crimson that in thy cheek glows. 
 
 Thou smilest now on us, thou wanton, 
 But I've seen thee as chill and morose 
 
 As the wintry gray banners that flaunt on 
 The mystical City of Snows. 
 
 Yet thine eyes are so often beclouded, 
 
 And so oft thy vermillion cheeks fade. 
 That it cannot far longer be doubted — 
 
 Thou'rt naught but a fair, fickle^jade! 
 
 THE SIREN. 
 
 "Down in the shady ocean deeps 
 
 Come and return with me, 
 Down where the Kingdom of Coral sleeps 
 
 Under the sapphire sea. 
 There is a realm of life and love, 
 
 Hark ! Hear its conches blow ! 
 Then lefs away through the salt sea spray^ 
 
 While we merrily sing as we go. 
 
 "Long is the path through the dim twilight; 
 Tangled the green seaweed; 
 None but we two in the pastures bright 
 
 May drink of the deathless mead. 
 List to the voice that murmurs soft 
 
 Up from the caves below : 
 %'ome^ come thou home to the ocean's foam\ 
 While we rnerrUy sing as we go.''"' 
 
 R. G. 
 
12 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A VISION OF ATLANTIS. 
 
 To E. L. 
 
 I stood upon the topmost crag of rock-ribbed Tau 
 
 Which belts an inland sea. Adown the diamond slopes 
 
 The sunlight shattered, lavishing its golden sheaves 
 
 Of iris-colored spray o'er crystal rivulet 
 
 And veined ledge to where, 'mid battlements and towers, 
 
 Far-flung with onyx roof and dome, Atlantis sate. 
 
 I breathed the atmosphere a-throb with Orient musk, 
 
 And quaffed its perfume, sweet as any scented spice 
 
 That clouded Circe's halls. Saw cataracts of chrome. 
 
 And geysers spiral-like that whirled their hues to heaven. 
 
 I glimpsed gigantic temples glittering in the sun. 
 
 Whence swelled a choric sea of such rhapsodic song 
 
 As never yet did lilt from mortal lyre, and strains 
 
 Which, cleaving space, might float through cycles yet unsptung. 
 
 And mingle with the beat of seraphs' wings around 
 
 The Throne of God. I gazed upon the braided swards — 
 
 Rubescent they ; far mounts of roses skyward rose 
 
 In one red orgy. There languorous poppies swayed 
 
 Wine-hearted, and the hyacinthine blooms aloft 
 
 Like luminous prisms spurted to the golden sun. 
 
 In twittering troops long companies of robins slid 
 
 Ecstatic through the sky ; their pulsing breasts ablaze 
 
 With glowing down that shamed the orchid's amorous blush. 
 
 And e'en the glum, grim eagle, silent sentinel, 
 
 Looked down less dourly from his dominating perch 
 
 Upon the beauteous spot where Queen Atlantis lived. 
 
 The vision's gone — the inland sea yet stretches broad. 
 
 And laps and purls and curls where Helios once was praised 
 
 In vasty nave and corridor. There is a still 
 
 That untold ages breed; a mighty, solemn hush 
 
 Of angels sobbing for the People that is Dead. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 13 
 
 THE SPECTKE CITY. 
 
 'Mid Ilium's ruins a column stands, 
 Upreared by long forgotten hands, 
 Where once of old the Grecian bands, 
 With sanguine steel and flaming brands, 
 Swept in destruction. 
 
 There, as I weary leaned one day, 
 While down beneath the hills away, 
 Sank slow the last, red gleaming ray 
 
 Of the sun's glory, 
 A mighty city seemed to rise 
 In turrets towering to the skies; 
 Lo ! stretched before my startled eyes 
 
 Lay Troy of story. 
 
 Full bright it flashed as crystal clear. 
 Fierce rang the clash of brazen spear; 
 Loud pealed the tones of trumpet's blare 
 
 Within its portals. 
 Now Hector, with his sword of might, 
 Leads forth his host in helms alight ; 
 Ah, never yet was such a sight 
 
 Vouchsafed to mortals. 
 
 Like mists that melt before the morn 
 The phantom troops moved slowly on ; 
 Hushed were the notes of drum and horn 
 
 When they descried me. 
 And not a word nor sound nor sign 
 Arose from all that silent line; 
 But one there came with look benign 
 
 And stood beside me. 
 
 Right high and stately was his mien, 
 Dread Mars himself he must have been. 
 As halting there with arms asheen 
 
 Soft fell the twilight. 
 Above, in heaven's dusky veil. 
 Shone out the stars with lustre pale. 
 And sparkled o'er the Trojan's mail 
 
 Like glow of firelight. 
 
14 /'(>/•:.]/ s AX/) /\[/:A<;/i\[/7is 
 
 '"Lonii; years ai2,(\ \vlion Troy was young, 
 II or faino from son (o soa Avas SU1112:, 
 IltM- ii'lorios toll! in ovory tongue 
 
 l>ot\voon hor bordors. 
 Two Inimlrod thousand fighting nion 
 "^^'ouKl si>ood from phiin and marsliy fen 
 And pour (h)\\ n from the nunnitain glen 
 At Priam's orders. 
 
 "But Poai'o had lingoroil on the worUl, 
 Troy's oon(|uering pennons fast wore furled, 
 No more was grim ilotiance hurled, 
 
 All lived as brothers. 
 Yet soon was there no tloarth of gore, 
 BlacU Death stalked from the Aegean shore, 
 And in his arms the prize he bore 
 That was another's. 
 
 '''Vp, up, as one the Aoluvans rose. 
 This deed, the source of all our woes, 
 Had turned true friends to bitter foes 
 
 Who gave no quarter. 
 JNlonth after month upon the plain 
 We swayed among the heaps of slain ; 
 Whore Hoot or led was Victory's fane; 
 
 (ireat was the slaughter. 
 
 "Ten weary yeai*s had come and passed 
 AVhen the shrill, sudden bugle blast 
 Proclaimed the die of Fortune cast. 
 
 Till now suspended. 
 As written in the books of Fate, 
 The Goddess to propitiate, 
 AVe dragged the charger through our gate 
 
 80 well defended. 
 
 "ThriMigh Aganiomnon's vengeful raid, 
 My heart was captive with a maid. 
 And wedding vows were to be said 
 
 Upon the morrow. 
 No sentry manned the walls that night. 
 The city slept by nuH>nbeams' light. 
 Or qua tied red wine in beakers bright, 
 And scotl'ed at sorrow. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 15 
 
 "Awake, awake! We woke to die, 
 The foe had won the ramparts high; 
 In flames we saw before us lie 
 
 The royal city. 
 In every street tlie Spartans stream, 
 Until the rushing torrents seem 
 To swirl and toss with bloody gleam, 
 
 Men without pity ! 
 
 "The crash of falling timbers sounds. 
 And though oppressed by many wounds 
 I haste to reach the palace grounds 
 
 Where all are turning. 
 I seek Achilles in the throng, 
 My arm for double vengeance strong. 
 Upon my lips the old battle song 
 
 In accents burning. 
 
 "We struggle in the shamble place, 
 I press him forward yet a pace. 
 When, looking down, I see one face, 
 
 Then was it ended. 
 Now swelling bursts my heart in me. 
 Launched into dim eteniity; 
 'Fear not, I come — to thee, — to thee !' 
 
 So Death descended." 
 
 The summer's night, serenely calm. 
 Soothed all the earth with grateful balm; 
 A soft wind whispered through the palm, 
 
 The old, sweet story. 
 Alas! The lovers could not hear, 
 Nor once again their troth plight there; 
 
 G. E. R., '08. 
 
16 ro/CMs A\/> rAh\[(^h\[pns 
 
 rKTMEVAL MAN AND I. 
 
 We lived a long, louo^ time ago — 
 A huiulred thousand years or so. 
 
 And had for our society 
 Naught but the wood, the clitt', the lea ; 
 The salt-ohariied breezes blowing free, 
 
 Behold I The vale of Troy was bare; 
 Gone was its glory ! 
 And all was fair for us to see. 
 And all was good to do. 
 We saw the colored forest's red regalia. 
 Which zoned the spot the hamadryads haunted: 
 We watched the reeling maenads' saturnalia. 
 Within some secret, stilly vale enchanted. 
 Spin in the giddy macabrean dance. 
 In time to tuneless ziraleets and chants. 
 Upon the gi-een of the meadow's irradiance. 
 S]>in on from golden noon, 
 Kociting fragments of a rune. 
 Until the molten silver of the moon 
 At last grows faint, and sinks into her nightly swoon. 
 
 When all reposes. 
 With him I seem to roam 
 
 The jungle wild, where serpents hiss. 
 Then leave far, far beliind the forest home. 
 
 And come anear to those Circassian bowers of bliss 
 O'erhung with ruddy amethystine ropes; 
 Freighted with fragrance is the air 
 That strews the nibied slopes 
 With petalled roses. 
 Empearled paviliiMis of roses there. 
 
 And every tree and bush, the world relume 
 With dusky crimson of the roses' glare; 
 
 And cinnabarian billows of bloom 
 Eoll down to marges dim, 
 AVliere tiory tiolds of lilies brim. 
 And red and orange-gold tlamingoes swim. 
 And shake the shimmoring phosphoresccTice from their 
 wings. 
 
liOBEUr ELLIOTT GONZA LES 17 
 
 Maddening pulsations of li^juid flame — 
 
 Just as some coilerl and circled snake, 
 
 Asleep amid the tangled brake, 
 Chameleonic gules about him flings, 
 And Sf;arce tJiereafter s<?ems to be the same. 
 
 Ygdrasil spreads her fronds of whiUi, 
 
 To dust the pearly shrouds 
 That daily light, 
 And swathe by night 
 
 The stained oriels of tlie flouds. 
 
 \\'e mount, we climb, the Man and I, 
 
 We see the battened windows of the sky, 
 And as there falls a gentle peace. 
 We hear majestic peals of organ keys. 
 Struck by a Masix^r Hand. 
 
 At twilight oft upon the strand 
 
 We walk alone, Aldebaran 
 Stands guard above, his duty done 
 To bide the mystic hour of the rxjuching of the sun. 
 The mighty of^ean shimmers 
 
 Like a mesh of silver skein. 
 And it glimmers, glimmers, glimmers. 
 
 And it gleams and glints and sparkles. 
 And it glooms and dips and darkles 
 Menacingly onr^e again. 
 
 We lived a long, long time ago — 
 A hundred thousand years or so — 
 
 Primeval Man and I. 
 No need had we for silly laws. 
 Nor listened for the world's applause; 
 We knew the better from the worse 
 
 ^re Christianity! 
 
18 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE LAST FEAST IN BABYLON. 
 
 Lord Marduk, lo, to thee we quaff 
 
 This beaker brimming bright ; 
 A draught of nectar, Iran-brewed, 
 
 We drink to thee tonight. 
 What thought give we the morrow's doom ? 
 Nimitti's ramparts tower steep, 
 Nimitti's turrets strike the skies, 
 And bid the leaguered city sleep. 
 We scorn the beckoning death beyond. 
 Nor shake, nor cringe with craven fear — 
 Our Battle-God has deigned to nod. 
 Our Warrior-King himself is here. 
 
 Where else in all the world may be 
 
 A scene so fair as this ! 
 E'en Ishtar in the Silver Sky 
 
 Might envy Babel's bliss. 
 The jewelled harps are all attuned; 
 Gems gleam and glitter on white breasts, 
 Belshazzar pledges — drink his toast — 
 "The noblest of our noble feasts". 
 The atabals are throbbing loud. 
 The carven censers sway and swing; 
 Dark eyelids glance, as houris dance 
 Before the throne of Babel's king. 
 
 A thousand braziers range the walls 
 
 That Izdubar portray — 
 Great founder of the royal race 
 
 That rules the land today. 
 Snatches of song and laughter float, 
 And mingle with the murmurous air; 
 A thousand flagons, silver-wrought, 
 Aglow with sparlding Opis rare. 
 Less drunk are they who list, who hear 
 The plaintive lyre's sweet cadence 
 With ruby wine from Helbon's vine. 
 Than with Accad's magnificence. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 19 
 
 The strains are rising, higher, higher, 
 
 Babylon's a sea of flame! 
 The languid throng turns from the fire 
 
 To shout Belshazzar's name. 
 "A kiss, a kiss, my Syrtis, come. 
 We may not read the scroll of fate, 
 Pledge me this beaker's crimson flood", 
 Hark to the clash without the gate! 
 The city's burning — let it burn ! 
 Until its sensuous pleasures cloy 
 The world is gay; we live today, 
 Nor heed the tale of fallen Troy. 
 
 "Lord Marduk, lo, to thee we quaff," 
 
 The song's on every tongue; 
 The insensate revellers recognize 
 
 Only that they are young. 
 Prince drinks with peasant; priest with page, 
 And they who girt the throne about 
 Abandon honor's dearest trust 
 To join the dying nation's rout. 
 Nude forms, clasped in each other's arms, 
 Sleep on the lily-laden stairs; 
 The God of Love smiles from above — 
 Irradiant Tammuz, wondrous fair. 
 
 ******* 
 
 The golden doors are shattered down, 
 
 The golden goblets drained ; 
 The crystal fountains run with red, 
 
 The marble stairs are stained. 
 Hushed are the lips that smiled in death 
 With some e'erlasting memory — 
 Fled are the hearts that loved so well ; 
 They bide now in the Silver Sky. 
 The lotus blooms are crushed and sere. 
 Nor more their dreamy fragrance spread ; 
 In Marduk's fanes the jackal reigns — 
 The Gods of Babylon are dead ! 
 
20 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE VALLEY OF SLEEP. 
 
 In a murk and mystic valley 
 
 Is the Garden of the Hours, 
 And the wayward winds that dally — 
 Softly-mnrmurous winds that sally 
 Through the impenetrable valley 
 And the bowers, 
 
 Sing a melancholy burden 
 To the trees. 
 Myrrh and myrtle, hydromel 
 Weave a weird enchanted spell 
 O'er the brisk and boisterous breeze. 
 O'er the sad Circean seas ; 
 
 Seas that send their seething surges 
 Booming into mournful dirges, 
 Or in muffled monodies. 
 Poppies flare their festal torches 
 Lamping Bacchanal debauches, 
 And all the still Savannas 
 Flame red regiments of cannas. 
 And from out the golden glooms 
 Blazoned with the poppy blooms. 
 Lilies white and lilies yellow. 
 Nodding mid the tufted mallow, 
 Lithe and lissome lilies tall 
 Breathe an attar magical 
 On the purple plains of morning, 
 Where the subtle hyacinth 
 Blossoms under fallen plinth, 
 Over sculptured architrave 
 Oleanders blow and wave ; 
 And their ominous shadows fall 
 In many a stark and sunless hall, 
 Builded in Time's early dawning. 
 
 Wrought in days of old. 
 And the restive wind caresses 
 Down those drowsy, dim recesses 
 Ghastly skulls, decaying tresses 
 
 That once were gold. 
 For the city's buried deep 
 In the labyrinth of sleep. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 21 
 
 And the darkness grows profounder, 
 And dank grass springs up around her, 
 They who raised and they who crowned her 
 
 On her throne, 
 In those hoary, halcyon ages 
 Faintly traced on history's pages, 
 Dreamt no oblivion would surround her. 
 
 And her name, 
 Remembered but by wisest sages. 
 
 Blotted from the book of fame. 
 Lost her thousand-thousand men — 
 Crumbled under field and fen. 
 And sole token of her wars 
 A million whited sepulchres. 
 And her towering Titian turrets 
 
 A heap of stone! 
 For her people disobeyed 
 Commandments that her God had laid, 
 And upon her like a blight 
 Fell the Legions of the Light, 
 
 And left her there alone. 
 
 "IF". 
 To R. F. 
 
 If there could be blended 
 
 All the turquoise tints that stain the Western skies, 
 'T would be far less splendid. 
 
 Love, than thine eyes. 
 
 If some scented, vagrant 
 
 Wind might waft the sweet a laden queen-bee sips, 
 'T would not seem more fragrant. 
 
 Love, than thy lips. 
 
 If there were a measure 
 
 Glittering high with gems of Pope, and King and Guelph, 
 'Twould be a poor treasure. 
 
 Love, to thyself ! 
 
22 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY. 
 
 Over tlie hills ami far away 
 
 The fairies and j2;oblins live, thoy say. 
 
 In a castle of silver with shutters of «!:ol(l, 
 
 WluMv wizard anil pitjniy and stunted kobold 
 
 Make merry with nnisic and dancing the day, 
 
 Over (he hills and far away. 
 
 Over (he hills and far away 
 
 Are valleys and vineyards and greenswards gay. 
 And meadows agleam with the kiss of (he sun; 
 And dim, dreaming rivers that sing as they run 
 A (hrenody s\vee( as (he nigh(ingale's lay. 
 Over the hills and far away. 
 
 Over the hills and far away 
 Is the land of the long-lost Yesterday; 
 lvnight.s-erran( and squires, the same that of old 
 Tourneyed and jt)usted Avith courage so bold. 
 Still stride their war-coursers, and pennons display, 
 Over (he hills and far away. 
 
 Over the hills auil far away 
 
 Are minstrels to sing you a roundelay; 
 
 And jesters to brighten your soul with a pun. 
 
 There are jokes to be cracked, and yarns to be spun, 
 
 For they're jolly good folk in their jolly old way. 
 
 Over the hills and far away. 
 
 Over the hills and far away 
 Stalk giants gigantic that strike with disnuiy. 
 Princesses imprisoned deep down — so it's told — 
 In some grim ogre's dungec^i, wlu)m to behold. 
 Y"ou nmst seize your good weapon, the ogre to slay. 
 Over the hills ami far away. 
 
 Over the hills and far away 
 
 The enchanted vales keep a glad holiday. 
 
 And over the bustle of life's busy hum 
 
 The folk in those valleys are calling to come — 
 
 Shall we go, you and I, and their suunnons obey. 
 
 Over the hills and far awav? 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZAT.E^ 23 
 
 A BACCHANALIAN BALLAD. 
 
 Thoujj^h wintry blasts may rave witliout, 
 
 And shrieking north-wind roar and rage, 
 No storm can shake (he celhir stout 
 
 Wlierein the philosophic sage 
 
 Has stored the juices of the age, 
 Burgundy, port and muscadine, 
 
 And others, too, that thirst assuage — 
 The choice of all the choicest wine. 
 
 What else dissolves the stubborn doubt. 
 
 And dowers thee with new courage 
 To face tlie long assaults of gout; 
 
 To brave the battles that they wage 
 
 On thee, the ills of every age? 
 What else, l)ut Nature's anodyne. 
 
 The drink of poet, priest and [)age — 
 The anodyne, sweet anodyne of wine! 
 
 What else doth cheer the monk devout. 
 
 When winter chills his hermitage 
 With breath that snuffs his fires out. 
 
 And prisons in an icen cage? 
 
 What else, I say, but grapes that age 
 In vaults the color of the vine — 
 
 A very royal beverage. 
 This anodyne, bright anodyne of wine! 
 
 L'Envoi. 
 
 Prince, there is talk of "thine" and "mine," 
 While lawyers point distinctions fine 
 
 In property. A heritage 
 We share alike, a gift divine; 
 
 Of death the solace, life the gage — 
 The glad and glorious anodyne of wine ! 
 
 Regulub. 
 
24 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 IN THE CALIPH'S GARDEN. 
 
 The wind-waslied ourve of the river ripples; 
 
 Pomegranate thickets in myrtle shine; 
 A tipsy Vizier of Haroun tipples 
 
 From a stained goblet his Balsor wine, 
 And dull, red, ripe blown-roses twine 
 
 To hide a blush as the Caliph passes — 
 Embowered rubies on a smoklering vine 
 
 That burns rich attars in the sweet green grasses. 
 
 "SUMMUM BONUM." 
 
 {After Robert Broioning). 
 Languid smile of an April sun. 
 
 Sob of the surf on a harbor bar, 
 Dip and dance of elves that run 
 
 At the first faint glimpse of the evening star, 
 And romp and revel "neath Druid trees. 
 
 When nightly gleams the golden haze of the sister 
 Pleiades. 
 
 AVarm red flush of an Autumn moon — 
 
 A popi)y heart in a desert plain; 
 Lilt of a lark to his mate in June, 
 
 From spaces of light to realms of rain. 
 Sea-song, star-lure, lark-lilt, dawn-pearl; 
 
 Lurk in the eyes that laugh, and lie on the lips of a 
 girl. 
 
 MY DEEAM. 
 
 A mermaid kingdom sentinelled with skulls, 
 
 Which sway to more melodious minstrelsy 
 Than the measured music of the breeze that lulls 
 
 Old Triton basking in a summer-sea; 
 Who once within a dream did torch for me 
 
 His pallid palaces where a dim light burns 
 To show the treasure of Angels' ransomry. 
 
 Spilled from the lips of amethystine urns. 
 
 "Hasdrubal.'" 
 
robert elliott gonzales, 25 
 
 allarainp: and the rhapsode. 
 
 Allaraine, Archetype of Son^, and mate 
 
 Of Ishtar, Archetype and Goddess, who sate 
 
 At the right hand of the All-Father, and 
 
 Whose altars smoked from Ekto Samarcand, 
 
 Took fancy to contemplate once again 
 
 The level world, the haunts and homes of men. 
 
 Himself he girded then with wand and lyre, 
 
 And crowned his head with stars of diamond fire 
 
 That marks the God. Thus gloriously arrayed. 
 
 Forth from his sheath he gleamed his dazzling blade 
 
 And raised it high. Ope flew the gates of Heaven, 
 
 And like a bolt into the deep blue riven 
 
 He launched, swifter than sight or sound, and still 
 
 Onward, exultant in his flight, until 
 
 He scales the giddy ramparts of the stars. 
 
 And ranges through thrice thirty atmospheres. 
 
 The orbed Earth, emerging from the blue. 
 
 Presents her wondrous mysteries to his view — 
 
 Enverdured isle, and copse, and sombre wood 
 
 Shimmered and sparkled ; vale and valley stood 
 
 Sun-flushed, where Samas' lances 'gin to seek 
 
 Each crested cordillera, snowy peak. 
 
 The Seraph looks enraptured on the sight, 
 
 And strikes his dulcimer with new delight, 
 
 Beguiling notes of heavenly melody 
 
 That shiver into space. A harmony 
 
 There comes replying, gentle, low at first. 
 
 Then swelling loud in one triumphant burst — 
 
 The sweetest of P^arth's feathered songsters sing 
 
 Their greeting to their God, their Poet-King. 
 
 Like sound of myriad-thousand angel lyres. 
 
 Their chant to Heaven's battlements aspires. 
 
 Borne on the morning's bosom ; lovelier far 
 
 Than song of seraphs to the evening star, 
 
 Or symphony of planets in their spheres. 
 
 Upon the brazen towers with ravished ears, 
 
 The angel-sentries listen to the strain 
 
 That peals and throbs to radiant Allaraine. 
 
 Oft weirdly-mournful to the hearkening domes 
 
 The euphony of the sweet choir comes; 
 
26 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Oft noble, grand, transcendent, sweeping far, 
 
 As clangs the grim diapason of war. 
 
 Or tolls the dull thunder. The Archetype's glance 
 
 Now earthward sinks, and as he looks, by chance 
 
 He spies a youth, a shepherd, there asleep. 
 
 His bed the yielding clover, while the sheep 
 
 About him crop the grass, and in surprise 
 
 Behold their master with inquiring eyes. 
 
 Him the Archetype considers for a space. 
 
 And floats beside. His sun-embrowned face, 
 
 Half-hidden in the blooms is marvelous fair. 
 
 As though Apollo-chiselled, and his hair. 
 
 Woven with gold strands reflects the glowing beams 
 
 Again. Unaureoled, a god he seems. 
 
 The God of Song unclasps a silver bow. 
 
 And bending, on the youth's unclouded brow 
 
 Strikes. Then the boy starts up with many a sigh, 
 
 Unconscious of the stranger standing nigh; 
 
 Allaraine speaks; the shepherd, all amazed 
 
 Entranced beholds the enamelled brow upraised, 
 
 And swift leaps backward. Now him Allaraine 
 
 Assures, who catching sudden up his lyre. 
 
 The rhapsode sings of love, of war, desire. 
 
 But chiefly lyric chants in praise of song, 
 
 And all the arts that form her courtly throng. 
 
 And now, the acanthus-wreathed trees among 
 
 There comes in silent answer to his song 
 
 A maid, a shepherdess — the youth straightway 
 
 Alters the burden of his raptured lay. 
 
 Forsaking laud of Pan and poesy 
 
 Headlong to plunge in passion's ecstacy. 
 
 No more the clamorous clang of horrid war 
 
 His lyre pulses; a ditty soft and low 
 
 Re-echoes through the whispering woodland grove, 
 
 Where amorous Dryads murmur lilts of love, 
 
 Where Nymphs and Naiads in the fountains lave, 
 
 And flashing forms disport beneath the wave, — 
 
 She lists enamored, turns her blushing face ; 
 
 Trembles, coyly hesitates, is lost. A pace 
 
 She glides toward him, then tenderly in his 
 
 Her hand he gently takes, and with a kiss 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 27 
 
 Welcomes. Forgetful of another, they 
 Depart together o'er the winding lea, 
 And sounding far adown the velvet glen 
 In mystic lore of love their voices blend. 
 The affronted god resumes his silver bow, 
 And girts the starry diadem on his brow. 
 Then he: "Apollo, glorious brother, thine 
 Is the victory, and this lyre of mine 
 Must yield the palm, the prize, precedency, 
 And all we hazarded hereon to thee; 
 E'en stronger than the noblest of my arts 
 Thy passion abides in human hearts — 
 Imbued with thee, a shepherd, sandal-shod 
 Has overthrown the power of a god !" 
 Thus lonely musing, and in such a strain, 
 Once more on high mounts pinioned AUaraine ; 
 A many-pillared vista, towers dim. 
 Embattled legions of seraphim 
 Far-flashing sees, and to those realms of light 
 Meteoric speeds, evanishing from sight. 
 
 DEAR WOMEN. 
 
 Dear women of a dear, dead cause, 
 
 Who bloomed in other days. 
 You strove not for a world's applause. 
 
 Nor sought a nation's praise; 
 But, oh, you swayed the mind of men, 
 
 The heart, the soul with burning words 
 That strengthened as the strength of ten, 
 
 And nerved a million swords. 
 
 Oh ye, our sires, who rode to fight 
 
 With Hampton and with Lee, 
 Ye that through darkness into light 
 
 Wrought immortality ! 
 Shall we then raise against the sky, 
 
 Empedestaled, our heroes proud. 
 And round who gave the heart to die 
 
 Draw dark oblivion's shroud? 
 
28 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 JACOBITE DRINKING SONG. 
 
 "Fill up a last goblet, then fill up again, 
 To the Prince, and the Lords who surround him, 
 To the speed of the years when our Charlie shall reig;n. 
 To the health of the hearts who have crowned him. 
 To the lads of the North, and their pibrochs a-skirling. 
 To the clans of the mustering kilties. 
 
 To the breeze that shall blow out our banners" unfurling, 
 To the hand that doth dwell where the hilt is. 
 
 "Come death and dishonour, come Avoe or come weal. 
 Thou our swords may not save from the slaughter. 
 Drink deep, my braw laddies, to one who is leal 
 And who drinks to us over the water; 
 Then where is the coward Avho's fain to forsake him, 
 Where he who with death would hold parley? 
 Stout hearts, to the Prince, and the King that well make him, 
 And the kinofdom that's waiting for Charlie!" 
 
 TO EDGAR ALLAN POE. 
 
 Somewhere in violet vales no man can know, 
 Bright-armored angels guard the grave of one 
 New-buried, yet with isis-flowers o'ergrown; 
 And through the gray of gloaming, and the glow 
 Of noon, sad-visaged shadows wander slow. 
 And pilgrims from the radiant LTlalume 
 Beyond the peaks of purple to that tomb 
 Come silently to do thee homage, Poe! 
 
 Thy voice, across the tideless Sea of Sleep 
 Yet lingers, nor a more melodious strain 
 Sounds Israfeli's lute by heavenly streams 
 Than thine, evangelist, whose heart didst keep 
 Promethean yearnings, and thy godlike pain, 
 O mortal dreamer of immortal dreams! 
 
 [The above poem and the following poem, "The Poet's Passion", 
 were printed in The Carolinian of February, '09, along with 
 other articles by students and professors commemorating 
 the 100th anniversarv of Edgar Allan Poe.] 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 29 
 
 THE POET'S PASSION. 
 
 Thou dreamest of mystic lowlands 
 
 Where silver rivers run — 
 Of dusks of golden glowlands 
 
 West of the setting sun. 
 
 Thou hadst full oft in silence 
 
 Glimpse of a lovely shore — 
 Visions of green, palm islands 
 
 Where dwelt thy lost Lenore. 
 
 And sleep embosomed valleys, 
 
 Where sleep all magic things 
 In an enchanted palace. 
 
 Reigned o'er by fairy kings. 
 
 But when thy visions darkened, 
 
 And thy restless heart grew chill, 
 What heart but would have barkened 
 
 To whispered hints of ill ? 
 
 Mad, and beyond all fearing. 
 
 Forlorn, unloved, alone; 
 Thy tortured brain despairing 
 
 Of e'en God on His throne. 
 
 Thou didst as thy soul said "do it", 
 
 Nor more high angels can — 
 Thou wert not less a poet. 
 
 Because thou wert a man. 
 
 AVATAR. 
 
 The eyes more deep than violets are, 
 The same lithe form and face are hers 
 To which in antique days I sigh'd a kiss, 
 
 And made a lover's verse 
 Sunning her bosom in the Agora; 
 While 'yon Ilissos, skyward like a star 
 
 Glitter'd Akropolis. 
 
 G. 
 
30 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 TWO SPIRITS. 
 
 Beyond thai star by Seraphs set 
 To ouiird (ho bounds of space, 
 
 Two hastinji sonls to«iv(hor met. 
 And halted, face to face. 
 
 "Greetinor," cried one, "O Spirit Brother, 
 Thon splendor in garments bright, 
 Turn thou with nie." 
 "Nay," said the other, 
 "My body sleeps this night." 
 
 "Our bodies sleep, and do we bide, 
 Here in this lonely spotT' 
 
 "Come, turn with me," the first replied, 
 "Come, turn, for death is not." 
 
 A mnruun- as of wings that break 
 'Gainst the dull bars of space, 
 
 Kose, as the seconil shadow spake 
 With cowl thrust from his face: — 
 
 "O Erring, know'st not the chill breath 
 That none durst breathe but me? 
 I may not turn, for I am Death, 
 And I am come for thee!'' 
 
 TO A NIGHTINGALE. 
 
 A spray upon my garden-willow bends 
 
 And in the hush'd dusk so dumb but now 
 
 With anadems of sunset on its brow. 
 
 From the full solace-bowl the singer lends 
 
 My parched soul quatfs the mild wine-song that mends 
 
 Soul-sickness like a faery draught. Oh thou, 
 
 Slim minstrel, who, hidden 'neath the plumed bough, 
 
 An exile lorn, unfriended, yet befriends. 
 
 Sweet-hearted, let my spirit wing with thee 
 
 To some rose-regioned valley of thy haunts 
 
 Beyond Euphrates' silver seignory. 
 
 Where thou and I, still lilting in love's delight 
 
 Shall, nnbeholden, watch the dewy dance 
 
 Of Maenads in a moon-enchanted night. 
 
robert elliott gonzales, 31 
 
 dp]sektp:d. 
 
 This forenoon I awoke, 
 And cried unto my comrades, calling them 
 By name, but naught replied to me except 
 Palm-branches, (luttering in the fevered air, 
 And water trickling from the spring, beside 
 Which we had halted. The red sun beat down 
 On me, scarce wakened from my sleep ; the hot 
 Dry breath of the simoon fanned me, and parched 
 My panting lips, and lo, the rill which I 
 Had vaguely heard, as in a dream, to murmur 
 Beneath the sparse clump of palm-trees was dry. 
 The caravan was gone ; the camel tracks 
 Led out into the desert, an old burnous 
 Which AH, the Shah's son, (a surly dog 
 Whom I hated and hate), had dropped, remained, — 
 A kneeling-carpet, by some one forgot, — 
 A handful of brown date seed, these were all. 
 Allah ! What was my crime, that I must dwell 
 And die, forlorn, forgotten, in this realm 
 Of silence and of death? I that have made 
 Four times the pilgriiruige to thy holy Mecca, 
 I that have seen behind the curtain, I 
 That even have kissed the Kaaba? Allah, just, 
 Merciful, may not even the Prophet speak 
 And intercede for me? I am afraid, 
 Afi-aid of day, by night afraid, while morn 
 Lifts and beholds me lying sleepless on 
 My hard, unyielding couch. The dumb, far stars 
 Do mock me, and the very sun and moon 
 Send both the same round orb, alternately 
 Dull crimson and clear-white. God ! how I hunger 
 For the long space between the three twilights 
 That I am left alone, my lips have touched 
 No morsel, nor my throat, dust-stifled, drunk 
 Water, for still the spring is dry. I ain 
 Become too weak to rise, and so I lie. 
 I had a comrade in the caravan, 
 A handsome boy, small-featured, dark, with eyes 
 Like wells of lucent amber, jet of hair, 
 And lips of the pomegranate. Him I trusted 
 
/\)/:'.ys A\/) /\[h\[(;h\ipns 
 
 As TatluM- (rusts his son, his tirst-horn biiho. 
 1 I'juv hut li(lK> lluit tht>si> I i-:illo(l frionds 
 ll:i\c proNOil uuiiratorul. suul I'm-sakon mo, 
 (AUhi>Uiih 1 o([ had hoKl tho syin[KithY 
 And h)\o thov [uotlVrod to he iionuino 
 As niino was ovor ti> (h<Mn.) Hut o\\, that //< , 
 INly moro tlian brotlior whom I \o\(\\ with stroniivr 
 Than tho stron>i- lo\o with which man li)\os iiis mato. 
 Tho apiWo of my oyo; otu'o of my hoart I 
 Ah (lOil. shouhl i2,i>. 'tis moro than 1 oan hoar! 
 Niiiht omuos. 1 broaiho its soontod chist, and doom 
 Mysolf again at homo, in my i>wn iiardon; 
 'ri\o oiihioi\ moi>n swings hiiih; tho mystio doop 
 Of tho vast dosort is all a-whispor with 
 Tho proiiuant noisos of tho night. Tho sand 
 IX^th hip and ourl about mo as 1 lio; 
 C\>nooals my arms, and odvUos round my foot. 
 (i rains sift into my oar; tho sinuuMi's dirgo 
 Is hushod. "^^'oary, 1 sink int(> my bod; 
 Hoforo n\y tirod brain, bright phantoms rise 
 (>f baiupiots, orystal fmintains. star-oyod houris. 
 And A/.N' voioo, singing oU'ar in Paradise! 
 
 lo.NOTl s. 
 
 TENNYSON. 
 
 O silvor-throatod bard whoso song did soar 
 Frei>h, oK\ir, fuU volunied, bnioing as the breeze 
 That to thy Knghmd sweeps inm\ Norhmd seas. 
 Storming resurgent on the Saxon shm-o. 
 Like it to s^Yell, sink, and be heard no moiv — 
 Thou sorooivr of song, what Avi/.ardry 
 Was thine, that made eaoh ^Yord a moU>dy, 
 Kaoh syUablo a strain, what >U>rlin loiv^ 
 
 Star-brightoning from tho roahu whoro thou hast gone 
 There bivaks a Hglit, pui-e, dazzling, yet serene, 
 lV\vond oelestial summits orowned with tire, 
 Whoro thou, with high Immortals that have been 
 Host standi, and lift, irradiant, to the Pa^Yn 
 Tho swootost wMoo of all tho hoavenlv ohoir! 
 
ROnKRT KfJJOTT aONZALh\S 38 
 
 TO PROFESSOR YATES SNOWDEN. 
 
 I»ng since huuh^ uiAAv. <'s<|i]i/(; l>f>n' Ihy liincci 
 Behind thee, as thou spurrd'st through Aquitaine; 
 Five hundred ni(!n-at-anns rod*; in thy (rain, 
 Ten times five hnndn!(J ovvnefj aHe^ijinee, 
 C)f all the coiirtly ehivah-y of France 
 'J'hoij wast the first; later the white co(;l<a(]e 
 Shone on thy f>r(!ast, and ('aj)et's, as ye hade 
 Farewell, and werjt to death as to a dance. 
 They cannot say <he old romance is <!nded 
 Who know and lov(; thee, for they love- who know; 
 Clear honor sways thy w>ul, and jMpes of Pan 
 Thy heart, and Time, whose fin^^er upfni thy brow 
 Linorers so ^'ently, in thyself has blended 
 All virtues of the Southern gentleman! 
 
 TO DR. EDWARD S. JOYNE8. 
 
 The ai>pr(jval and the just proclaim of men 
 Are theirs that have deserved them. Woi-lhier none 
 Of both than thee, whose luminous walk and way 
 Have lighted myriad feet to the far goal 
 For fifty fructuous years. IIow vai/i our words 
 To tell a tithe of all a high man's deeds! 
 The fickle plaudits of the various crowd; 
 That satrap of the hour we call renown; 
 Some froth of popular speech, the incense-savor 
 Of glory on the altars of the mob- 
 Cheap garlands, hasty bays, what these trj him 
 Whose brow for aye a fresher laurel wears. 
 Whose life is ordered, and whose days are ripe 
 With service tfiat was all self-sacrifice? 
 
 The showered largesse of a people's love. 
 Nor lightly to be won, noj- lightly given. 
 Our reverence, homage, honor, gra(itud(!, 
 Our hearts' rich measure of its plenteousness — 
 Such is our tiibute — take it, and forgive 
 The tardy flovvc^r of lo\e I fiat blossoms here. 
 
34 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 TO CHARLES W. BAIN. 
 
 Ah, thou art one of us, yet all above us, 
 
 For thou hast glimpsed, not once, the choral Muses, 
 
 And dryads romping in the wet first woodlands. 
 
 And Sappho, lilting on the Lesbian island, 
 
 Alcaeus, too, in whose melodious metre 
 
 Shine all the splendors of Hellenic dawnings. 
 
 Dark thro' the lattice of thy study-windows 
 
 What are the shadowy forms that pass at midnight 
 
 About thee, drowsing o'er thy midnight labors? 
 
 Whose are the lips that whisper low to greet thee, 
 
 Simonides, of accents like sweet music. 
 
 Or on thy cheek the warm breath of Catullus, 
 
 Or Flaccus, holding high, — ah, dare I say it, 
 
 A ghostly flagon of his mellow Massic? 
 
 CALYDON. 
 
 Here dim dream- vistas thronged with phantom shapes 
 
 Show distant garden-gates of Proserpine, 
 And satyrs, stained with juice of purple grapes, 
 
 That burst, sun-ripened, on the purple vine; 
 Here forests where red Autumn weave* and drapes 
 
 A pagan pageantry of shade and shine, 
 And crimson paths where some fleet n3^mph escapes 
 
 A troop of stumbling suitors dull with wine, — 
 Who follow with shrill halloos her flying feet. 
 
 Dew-bright in bright-stemmed meadows, and on lawns 
 Made mellow by the myriad-murmur of bees 
 
 To where, in his cool-shadowed river-seat. 
 Pan from his lute draws drowsy melodies 
 
 For feast of dryads, and for chase of fauns. 
 
 MILLENNIUM. 
 
 "Behold, a miracle!'' the prophet cries: 
 
 "At last Messiah deigns on earth to dwell!" 
 
 The millions raise to heaven hope-quickened eyes — 
 Only the stars, sad and inscrutable. 
 
 G. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 35 
 
 VALE, AMICE ! 
 To J. H. B. 
 
 Take these poor lines, my friend — I have naught else 
 
 But love to give thee — that thou hast already. 
 
 I gave it freely in a bygone hour 
 
 When thy large heart revealed itself in words, 
 
 When thy strong hand-clasp fixed my purpose strong, 
 
 And in thy eyes I read a sympathy 
 
 Deep-welling, kindly, sweet, soul-loyal, true, 
 
 And knew that from a shattered friendship's wreck 
 
 Stood forth a truer friend ! And now, my friend. 
 
 That we must part, 'twere vain to waste regrets. 
 
 And yield to tears that strive to flow afresh ; 
 
 Thou art to do great deeds. They wait for thee. 
 
 Sometime, perhaps, in other days to be — 
 
 Glad, golden days of earth, or softer warmth 
 
 Of that charmed realm hidden in the poet's heart, 
 
 Which we two share, beyond the dreams of men, 
 
 Our paths will meet, and mingle once again. 
 
 I do not pray that circumstance will strew 
 
 Thy way with roses, for thou wast not born 
 
 To bask in blissful ease ; thine is a mould 
 
 That doth gi'ow greater from adversity. 
 
 From sorrow sterner, struggleth, overcomes ! 
 
 Farewell ! May God be good to thee and thine ! 
 
 Farewell ! Remember us as we do thee. 
 
 A last farewell ! May the bright glow that guides 
 
 Thee to thy home, still linger when I wake 
 
 In that gray dawn which robs me of a friend ! 
 
 THE SORCERESS. 
 
 The wizardry of silver-sanded beaches, 
 
 The sobbing of the surf among the shells. 
 The Inner- Creed that none but Nature teaches — 
 
 Wet woods, and haunted hills, and sunset dells; 
 A golden glory in the sky, the bells 
 
 Of eve, a requiem for the dying day ; 
 These are her only sorceries, these the spells 
 
 That thrall the mind, and steal the heart away. 
 
 "ROGONELL." 
 
36 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE ROSE. 
 
 A king reigned in an Eastern land 
 With all a king's magnificence; 
 His dwelling was a palace grand, 
 Where riches from many a foreign strand 
 
 Vied each in opulence, 
 And fair lawn-gardens, deep and wide. 
 With flowers from far-off climes aglow, 
 And oft at eve with pensive stride 
 Walked there the haughty prince and sighed, 
 
 "Ah me, why is it so 
 That while my worldly goods increase 
 With every summer's golden toll, 
 I pine 'mid all this languorous ease. 
 On every hand is naught but peace, 
 
 But none within my soul!" 
 
 Not far dwelt in a cottage bare 
 
 An humble poet, poor in all 
 
 The world holds wealth, for simple fare 
 
 And bed were his, with one to share, 
 
 And by the cottage wall 
 A little plot where one rose grew, 
 A sultry rose of attar-musk — 
 A single flower whose petals blew 
 Frail fragrance all the long day through. 
 And night, from dusk to dusk. 
 
 "Ah me", one day the poet said, 
 
 "Why is it God to me hath sent 
 Who hardly earns my daily bread 
 Such sweet soul-solace, free from dread, 
 
 Such full cup of content?" 
 He found no answer — no one knows. 
 And least the single rose apart. 
 But still from dawn 'till evening's close 
 It wafts in waking and repose 
 Peace to the poet's heart. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 37 
 
 A MINOR POET TO HIMSELF— A REPLY. 
 
 What profits else, when God has put a flame 
 In this poor breast that kins me with the sky, 
 It doth not shine so far, nor mount so high, 
 Nor so intensely burn, nor bear such name 
 As those enskied with mankind's proud acclaim? 
 This is an unbought gift that none can buy 
 With treasuries— since thou gav'st it. Lord, shall I 
 Complain that thou hast not vouchsafed me fame ? 
 Yet tho' they glow no brighter, these mild gleams 
 Suffice : take, merchant, thy world-wealth. Be mine 
 The unfettered soul that soars above a king's, 
 As high as that blind bard's, who in rapt dreams 
 Saw seraph-trodden uplands, splendors shine, 
 xVnd God's own glory gild archangel's wings. 
 
 TO DON QUIXOTE. 
 
 Rest in thy grave, thou heart of gold ; 
 Thine arm is dust, thy lips are cold ; 
 But deeds like thine ne'er can grow old, 
 Quixote ! 
 
 O gallant Spanish knight, though thou art dead. 
 Thy memory lingers still in minds of men 
 Who love the truth, and loving, dare defend. 
 Would thou wert living in this sordid age. 
 Which money-lust and greed for gold doth stain ; 
 Where, like some foul and ever loathsome snake. 
 Grim Murder rears on high his ghastly head, 
 And staring Death, with face of hideous mein. 
 Stalks through the streets. No more would then 
 Starved children cry for bread and weeping wives 
 Bewail their lot and curse Oppression's might. 
 Then wouldst thou mount thy faithful steed again. 
 And set thy lance in rest, O gallant knight. 
 As o'er La Mancha's smiling fields thou spurr'dst 
 Against the tyrants of thy little world, 
 So, with closed visor and thy sheltering shield, 
 With flaming sword and spear hewn from the oak, 
 Wouldst thou assail the hosts of soulless greed. 
 
38 /V>A'J/«S -LV/> I\iIi\i(.'h\[rnS 
 
 TTTK Ar>n()T AND ^fAlD TSIAETAN. 
 
 The Abbot of Malmsov pnssM (liat wny. 
 His soi'i}> Mas full, ami his heart was i!;ay 
 As he humniM, **nirii»o nos Domino." 
 
 His I'assoi'k-i'ord prossM a paiiiu'li roliiml: 
 His I'hooks thov woiv rouiuloil ami I'ubii'iiml 
 As an aj^plo (ho sumnior uochis ha\o sunn'd 
 
 Vov (ho Abbot of Malmsoy, bo it saitl. 
 
 Was uono c^f your snivolliuii;, sad, ill-fod. 
 
 But frcMU buI<j,o of his oahos to orown (^f his hoatl, 
 
 A clnwvhman nobly proportioned. 
 
 Ris2:ht nuMiily ho (lualT'd as he rode alonji 
 Of the skin that hunir by his leathern thonir, 
 AVhile jin«>led the bolls of his mule, "din<v, dong." 
 
 A slim maid there all in linooln drost : 
 (The shade was pleasant, the way was west) 
 The Abbi^t halted. (You kni>w the rest.) 
 
 The .Vbbot wink'd with a roixuish leer, 
 
 (The maid was ytMUii:;. and the maid was fair) ; 
 
 ''Prithee why lonely bidest thou here 
 
 With all the tall lifoon trees and the tall dun deer?" 
 
 'T wait for my lover, sir," she said, 
 
 "Rut the day orows old, and the sun is sped." 
 
 ''A lover'? Why, sure, and I'll serve instead," 
 
 Quoth the Abbot, as he i)lump'd down by her. 
 The stmsot warnM. and a spear of (ire 
 llluminocl a far oathodral sjiire 
 
 But the Abbo( uov heeded: his monstrous i:;ir(h 
 
 All quivered wi(h oataolysmie mirth 
 
 As a nunmtain when laui2;hter irrips the earth. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT (JON Z ALE IS 39 
 
 For ji man's a nian or in fj^own or douhlct, 
 
 And the starv'd steed flies to the corn to nubble it, 
 
 And the parch'd mouth draws to the brimming goblet, 
 
 80 they sat, and she told him tales anon 
 
 (She had heard), as the tales of the wood-folk run 
 
 Of the stout Fiiar, Hobin, and Little John. 
 
 (Now the Abbot grew bold, for his blood was high 
 As th<! wine-skin shrunk), and boastingly 
 Averr'd they'd rue it whom he should spy 
 Their yew-bows twanging in venery. 
 
 She lured him long with a song and a jest, 
 
 Lips that forbade him ere they acquiesced; 
 
 Thrice rose he, tliric(^ lingcicd, (you'd never have guess'd 
 
 The way was long and the way was west). 
 
 Then he lay (juit(! still by his breviary. 
 And never another word spake he — 
 (Alack, for potent Malvoisie), 
 The Abbot of Malmst^y was drunk, you see. 
 
 A loud snore dron'd on the evening cool, 
 
 "St. Swithin keep the fuddled fool," 
 
 Maid Marian laugh'd, while the milk-white mule 
 
 Sedately jogg'd through the fronded glades, 
 As though it were one of its usual trades 
 To bear such winsome, witching maids 
 Back to tlieir jerkin'd camarades. 
 
 The Abbot's wallet was fat they say 
 Who the story tell — be it as it may. 
 The poor-purs'd yoemen bless'd the day 
 That the Abbot of Malmsey pass'd that way. 
 
 R. G. 
 
40 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 THE DANCE OF THE FAIRIES. 
 I. 
 
 Somewhere in magic mystery, 
 
 Beyond the hills, 
 
 Are diamond dells, 
 Asleep ; 
 Encircled by a silver sea. 
 Whose wavelets croon melodiously. 
 
 With intonation deep. 
 
 II. 
 
 By day a mellow radiance spreads, 
 And rosy drifts 
 The woods and cliffs 
 Empearl. 
 A monstrous moon illumes the night, 
 And sheds a tide of purple light 
 Full on the drowsy world. 
 
 HI. 
 
 And o'er the daisy-dappled downs 
 And glimmering dells 
 A chorus swells 
 And dies. 
 And in the sheeny, scented air 
 The sound of voices hymning clear 
 Enraptured harmonies. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Behold ! there trips an elfin troop, 
 And fairies come 
 From out the gloom 
 To dance 
 Gay measures 'round their sovereign's throne. 
 While sprites assemble one by one 
 Along the green expanse. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 41 
 
 Now here, now yon, they dart and run; 
 They slip and slide, 
 They glint and glide 
 Through isles 
 With ropes of roses garlanded, 
 Through verdant vale and starry mead. 
 Bright with Titania's smiles. 
 
 VI. 
 
 A pallor deepens in the East, 
 A scarlet splash, 
 A sunlit flash 
 Across the lawn. 
 The aegis of the burnished day, 
 The sun, resumes its wonted sway — 
 And lo — the elves are gone ! 
 
 RESURGIT ! 
 
 A year ago this day — ah, is it a year 
 
 That's fled and flown with what he once held dear? 
 
 And did he think his heart could ne'er forget 
 
 Its bruise, nor his soul cease to yearn and fret 
 
 For what had been? '"Twas more than he could bear." 
 
 Wliat heart that faces memory without fear, 
 What hand, knowing at last a clasp sincere, 
 Soul freed from shallow bondage could regret 
 A year ago? 
 
 And if, perchance, he drops a foolish tear, 
 Joy in the empty triumph that is there. 
 The wound still bleeds — what balm's for it? — but yet 
 Meseemeth, Time, one owes thee no mean debt, 
 Unmasker, that things are not as they were 
 A year ago. 
 
42 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 QUATRAINS. 
 I. 
 
 Red and Gold. 
 
 Two burnished jaguars, weary of wandering, 
 Yawn on the river-sands luxuriously. 
 And watch a condor on prodigious wing 
 Slide cumbrously adown the painted sky. 
 
 II. 
 
 The Plagiarist. 
 
 Laboriously, brow-beaded, and alone, 
 iHe chips and chisels facets on a gem 
 A rough-hewn poet gave his diadem. 
 And hawks it in the markets as his own. 
 
 III. 
 
 To a Young Poet. 
 
 Shirk not the task ; inure thyself to wait 
 Unlaurelled years for Art's maturer sake; 
 Some least expected day perchance thou'lt wake 
 To find thy plain name household, and grown great. 
 
 IV. 
 
 To an Infdel. 
 
 How shall it be with thee, who ventureth 
 To stubborn reason against the true avouch 
 Of God to man, when by thy hopeless couch 
 A shadow stands with sullen eyes of death ! 
 
 V. 
 
 Birth-Bond. 
 
 Stem virtues thrive best in stern latitudes, 
 And frozen parallels that summer shuns; 
 Rather I love the Southland's myriad moods, 
 And tempest passions of her tiger sons. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 43 
 
 LOVE'S RETURN. 
 
 Since when in days agone we met, 
 
 My life is dark and drear; 
 The sullen clouds are sable shrouds; 
 
 No ray of light comes near. 
 
 But, like twin suns, thine eyes dispel 
 
 The murky fog of woe ; 
 And on my heart, pierced by the dart 
 
 Of Love, they softly glow. 
 
 Thy lips — Ah sweet, what tongue can tell 
 
 Their wondrous healing power? 
 Like bubbling streams where moonlight gleams, 
 
 Or some rose-scented bower. 
 
 Thy magic voice enthralls me still, 
 
 As in the days of yore ; 
 Then by thy side I'll e'er abide, 
 
 I thank thee. Love, once more ! R. G. 
 
 SALUT ! 
 
 Here is our life, compact and bound as well, 
 And deftly season'd with a college yell; 
 Here gloom the brows of they who wore the bays. 
 Here part the lips that shap'd the purple phrase, 
 Here heroes that in manlier sports excel. 
 
 O ye that ring'd with dusty traffic dwell. 
 Ne'er pluck'd a rose, or dared the citadel 
 Of maiden's glance, whirl'd in melodious maze, 
 Here is our life. 
 
 Be not impatient, bachelor and belle ! 
 Beyond this labor'd strain lies all the spell 
 Romantic of the old acquainted days — 
 A fair pleasaunce, whose glad and golden ways 
 These thirteen limping lines but sentinel. 
 
 Here, is our life ! R. G. 
 
44 POEMS AND rARAORAPIIS 
 
 TO FOOTBALL. 
 
 A SONNET. 
 
 Two wearv years thov t'hainod thoe in a evil 
 In ixarl) boooiniuii' not thy liiiih dogroo; 
 Far under, whore the sliout of victory 
 Seoniod as an oeho of thine own death-knell. 
 No more were heard the sono;s that used to swell 
 From half five hundred throats so bold and fitv. 
 No more arose in glad jubilanoy 
 The crash of nine swift ''ralis," the ringing yell. 
 
 Now clothed in garments to thy state more meet. 
 
 Acclaimed by myriad devotees, art thou 
 
 In royal power and pomp 'sconced on thy throne, 
 
 AVith sage and senior sitting at thy feet; 
 
 And blushing maids their wreaths before thee strow- 
 
 For thou art come, O Football, to thine own ! 
 
 SOMEWHERE. 
 
 SomeAvhere there lies a garden east of Eden, 
 Faint with the fragrance of Eve's prisoned breath; 
 Somewhere in balmier climes love-hites are trilling. 
 Somewhere one to her lover nnirnuiretli ; 
 Somewhere thro" all the bounty of the bud-break. 
 Each golden-Avinged throstle seeks its mate. 
 The young glad spring brims bright with rout of roses. 
 Here sleeping spring dreams inarticulate. 
 Somewhere above the dim shrines of the Christ-child, 
 God's visage shines upon his worshippers. 
 Somewhere the night thrills deep with voice of angels. 
 Somewhere the day is sweet, not blind with tears; 
 Somewhere — ah, lonely heart that sobs in silence, 
 Up, up and soar I Yearn not the star that's gone. 
 Somewhere a rainbow beckons to a sunbeam, 
 Somewhere bevond the shadows brealvs the dawn. 
 
robert elliott gonzalez 45 
 
 mnp:mosyne. 
 
 CompanioiuMl from the ivory halls of morn 
 
 With unimaginabie melody, 
 
 She stoops, and squanders on the lijjs of me 
 
 Her tresses yellow as the tranquil corn 
 
 That gleams through eager solstices unshorn. 
 
 Linked with her lucid arms an urn I see, 
 
 Where wicked I'ubieswink malignantly 
 
 'Mid wistful roses that a queen has worn, 
 
 Gules-shadowed like the scarlet heart of guilt. 
 
 I read the sad assent within her eyes. 
 
 Ah me! These petals keep my life-blood, spilt 
 
 What time beneath hell-litten Assyrian skies 
 
 I heard the Persians howl, "Bel-Marduk dies," 
 
 And felt their savage daggers to the hilt! 
 
 LEO CARTHAGINIS. 
 
 Lion of Carthage! Who with imi)erious eye, 
 
 Pausing a moment on the world's white dome 
 
 Hadst sight, self -conjured of thy faithless home, 
 
 And thy star brightening to its destiny. 
 
 Glimpsed, too, the triremes of all Italy, 
 
 Rich captives, cleaving the Sicilian foam, 
 
 And thee, soon clamouring at the gates of Rome, 
 
 While wild Maharbal's horsemen thundered by ! 
 
 Ruler of the hearts of men, and of one birth 
 
 With they that kept Christ ere Christ came to earth. 
 
 Though in an unknown tomb thou liest and though 
 
 The lays of higher poets know thee not, 
 
 The roster of Time's noblest names can show 
 
 Few loftier lives, no purer patriot ! 
 
 R. G. 
 
46 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 BEL. LAUGHS. 
 
 "Come to my feast,'' the King had said, 
 "Come to my feast," and thus they came, 
 The city, when the day was dead. 
 
 The priest, leaving his altar-flame. 
 The harlot and the harlequin, 
 The satrap, splendid in his shame. 
 
 Thro' the great gates they enter'd in, 
 Bold Vice that sway'd in violet, 
 And Lust and silken-crimson 'd Sin. 
 
 The viols mocked them as they met, 
 Pauper and Prince in golden guise; 
 The moon was ris'n, the feast was set. 
 
 And I saw your low-lidded eyes 
 Turn on me their still splendors, won 
 From planet-lamps of Paradise. 
 
 The feast was set, the torches shone 
 LTpon the f casters and the feast — 
 Dead revellers in dead Babylon. 
 
 We know not that the gods did jest 
 With us who once too oft had err'd ; 
 I sought the beauty of your breast, 
 
 Your lips, your tresses slowly stirred. 
 
 Your ej^'es averted gave invite. 
 
 My arms joined 'round you. So we heard 
 
 The cry of one in sudden fright 
 Far off. And then a bugle scream'd 
 Horribly thro' the unheeding night. 
 
 R. G. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 47 
 
 THE SURF. 
 
 Sing on, ye minstrels of the deep, 
 As straight ye seek the haven shore ! 
 Sing on, while in fantastic sleep 
 I sink, and hear tales of the mere 
 Told still from time of yore. 
 
 Sing Neptune's court, where mermen cloy 
 With revels mad, pitched high above 
 Man's highest strain of earthly joy. 
 Sing, mermaids fair with silvern hair — 
 Sing low and sweet their love. 
 
 Roar, ye harbingers of the storm ! 
 Roar ! and let hollow shores resound 
 The warning. By the hearthstone warm 
 A sad wife weeps and terror creeps 
 With stealthy pace around. 
 
 Mourn, waves, once more the voiceless wreck ; 
 And in that weird, wild undertone 
 Wail rotten shrouds and silent deck — 
 Three bleached bones lie 'mong the stones — 
 Slow waves ! Low waves ! So, moan — 
 
 Ye know the mood of rising sun, 
 Of moonlight on your rippling crests, 
 Of shadow-clouds that races run 
 Unto the main, of silent rain, 
 Of bluest dome and ships come home, 
 Of everything your boundries ring — 
 So sing, ye Master Lyrists, sing ! 
 As from the wondrous deep ye bring 
 Your ever- rich bequests. 
 
 — B. 
 
48 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 MAY SONG. 
 
 Out in the meadow the thrushes are singing 
 
 On the limb where the bobolink's building his nest ; 
 
 Out in the meadow the copses are ringing — 
 There the vain cardinaPs preening his crest. 
 
 Out in the meadow the sunshine's a streaming, 
 Splintering shafts at the heart of the noon ; 
 
 Out in the meadow through gloaming are gleaming 
 Silver-spun fairies that melt in the moon. 
 
 Out in the meadow tall lilies are swinging; 
 
 Tulips in raiment incarnadine dressed ; 
 Orchids and poppies and flame-roses clinging — 
 
 Islands of riot by zephyrs caressed. 
 
 Out in the meadow May breezes are voicing 
 Words thy lips uttered so close to my own, 
 
 When free in the fullness of passion rejoicing 
 I crowned thee my queen on a daffodil throne. 
 
 Out in the meadow swift memories are thronging — 
 Out in the meadow that dreams by the sea ; 
 
 But, oh, in my heart there's only one longing. 
 
 For thine eyes, for thy lips, for thy love, and for — thee ! 
 
 — R. 
 
 MORNING. 
 
 [^Froin the French of Theodore de BanviTle.\ 
 
 Come ! On thy black locks throw a hat of straw. 
 
 The flushing mom turns all the peaks to gold, 
 
 While yet the world awaits the clamorous hour 
 
 That soon will clang its warning note. Behold 
 
 The chaliced lilies by yon sloping bank, 
 
 As nodding low, they kiss the rippling stream. 
 
 While dimpling dawn slow" murmurs o'er the fields 
 
 And gilds them with its red, alchemic gleam. 
 
 And while thou smilest on the joyous scene. 
 
 The fragrant breezes waft with balmy breath 
 
 The scent of peach and snowy apple-buds, 
 
 And smell of new-mown hay upon the heath. R. G. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 49 
 
 AVALON. 
 
 Upon a high-raised hill in Avalon, 
 
 Four dragon sentinels with burnished scales 
 
 Keep ward and watch, and whether the sleets and hails 
 
 Of winter beat their caves, or in May magic the lawn. 
 
 Like a dull emerald smitten with the dawn, 
 
 Up brightens, guard and gleam; and still the GraiPs 
 
 Enchaliced splendors shake over those sweet dales, 
 
 Where, 'neatli a thick-leaved canopy unwithdrawn 
 
 Since the old days of Vivien's sorcery. 
 
 Sleeps Merlin in a nest of nightingales — 
 
 Thus one clear moment — then the vision fails. 
 
 As his, who lone on a wreck-littered lea 
 
 Has mocking glimpse of star-mist on the sails. 
 
 Of some great ship that lies far out to sea. 
 
 THE SONG OF THE CAVALIER 
 
 Oh, here's to the flagon of good red wine 
 
 That's a balm for every sorrow. 
 And here's to the pasty of venison fine. 
 
 And here's a laugh for the morrow ! 
 
 With my trusty sword of steel so bright, 
 I care not what comes or befalls me; 
 
 I bear it aloft in the midst of the fight. 
 
 And Death's countenance never appalls me. 
 
 So here's to the kiss of a winsome lass, 
 
 Like the wind in summer sighing. 
 And here's to the King, the Church and her Mass, 
 
 And here's to true love, undying ! 
 
 SERENADE. 
 
 Beam, star, o'er hill-top heightening. 
 
 Wreathe, rose, my love's high shrine, 
 Gleam, star, love's sorrows lightening, 
 
 Breathe, rose, and tell her mine; 
 Star-light is changed to love-light. 
 
 Like stars thine eyes incline. 
 Ah, love, be this their love-night. 
 
 Beam star, gleam star, bright eyes in mine ! 
 
 R. G. 
 
50 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 GRANT ME A SONG. 
 
 I ask not a destiny glorious, 
 I wish for no wealth, nor the worth 
 Of captains who march on victorious 
 To uttermost ends of the earth ; 
 Keep these for the leaders of legions — 
 For thrones where men suppliant kneel, 
 Or they who untamable regions 
 Have broken with steel. 
 
 But give me the strain to awaken 
 Some hearts in the dim distant years — 
 Of music no mortal has taken, 
 A fabric of flame and of tears — 
 No dirge of far doom and disaster, 
 But hopeful and higher and strong; 
 O guerdon and grant me, my Master, 
 Apollo, a song! 
 
 A CREED. 
 
 What things are there that make the world worth wdiile? 
 
 A cheery word, a smile. 
 
 A song to quicken some discouraged soul; 
 
 A hand to lift and guide toward the goal 
 
 Another mile. 
 The understanding that a brother might 
 Fall stricken in the fight. 
 While we untempted hold our heedless way; 
 Ah ! that one word, that hand, could turn today 
 
 His gathering night. 
 
 What certitude have we save hopes profess? 
 What beacons dispossess 
 
 With steadier gleams Faith's rushlight in the gloom? 
 Oh, friends, in this blind clay there is no room 
 For bitterness. 
 
 Just kindness goes farther than a goad. 
 The idlest seeds you sowed 
 
 Will glad your passing with their grateful flowers, 
 When you behold, freed from Death's iron hours, 
 The traveled road ! 
 
PARAGRAPHS 
 
 There is some doubt among leading 
 Republicans as to whether Colonel 
 Roosevelt is an asset or a liability. 
 
 Buckwheat is higher. In other words, 
 batter up. 
 
 "What is the name of Tom Watson's 
 magazine? — Priscilla." Dear young 
 lady, it is the Mutt and JeEEersonian. 
 
 Senator Root says that Mr. Taft is 
 "on the knees of the gods." The 
 knees have our profound sympathy. 
 
 A man's head is easily turned by 
 three things : wealth, flattery and a 
 pretty girl boarding a trolley car. 
 
 The dowager President will be re- 
 membered as the indefatigable peace- 
 maker between Russia and Japan. 
 
 A Dublin mob tried to throw some 
 suffragettes into the water, but our 
 dispatches do not say whether it was 
 the Donnybrook. 
 
 George Perkins says the bull moose 
 party will be amply financed. Sure. 
 Isn't he the dough moose? 
 
 We shall always harbor a grudge 
 against old Noah for saving the two 
 flies, two mosquitoes and iwo chiggers. 
 
 A Hoosier judge rules that a woman 
 has a right to keep her husband's 
 wages in her stocking. Oh, no doubt, 
 if she wants to be that low. 
 
 An American college athlete has 
 broken the pole-vault record. Let Dr. 
 Cook look to his laurels. 
 
 Some day Civilization may recognize 
 the fact that it can not serve King 
 Law and King Mob. 
 
 A common miss demeanor — scorn. 
 
 We hear nothing of Samson in the 
 Roosevelt ranks, but his well-known 
 weapon is in daily evidence. 
 
 Trusts are divided into bad trusts 
 and TRusts. 
 
 Charleston is South Carolina's port, 
 but Columbia is her champagne. 
 
 The great strike of the future will 
 occur when the Arctic Circle strikes 
 
 for a four-month day. 
 
 * # * 
 
 Ulster seems to be the English ulcer. 
 
 Every time we read "African Game 
 Trails" we are conscious of a gnawing 
 regret that those carnivora didn't live 
 up to their name. 
 
 Lillian Russell married some Moore 
 yesterday. 
 
 Night swallows won't make early 
 birds. 
 
 Theodore Roosevelt is the American 
 leaning tower of Pisa. 
 
 Many are called, but few lay dovi'n 
 better than two pair. 
 
 "Theodore" means "Gift of God." 
 Absolutely no comment. 
 
 It's a wise trust that knows its own 
 par. 
 
 Colonel Roosevelt is doubtless cor- 
 rect in saying his policies come from 
 Lincoln. We believe that The Com- 
 moner is still published there. 
 
 They say that Roald Amundsen is 
 uneducated. Well, we had rather have 
 his 00 degrees than 900 university 
 degrees. 
 
 A Brooklyn man has been pro- 
 nounced insane because he never heard 
 of Roosevelt. We pronounce him 
 merely lucky. 
 
 Fortunately for the Martians, Col- 
 onel Roosevelt doesn't live there. 
 Otherwise he would have taken several 
 canal zones. 
 
52 
 
 POI^JMS AM) PARAGRAPHS 
 
 No niau can bo as wise as he lodks. 
 nor any woman look as wise as she is. 
 
 Visitors to New York will be pleased 
 to learn that the collection of lionian 
 coins recently sold there did not 
 include the Latin quarter. 
 
 It appears that the Gulf Stream has 
 changed is course. With the sanction 
 
 of Colonel Roosevelt, we trust. 
 
 • » # 
 
 New York pastor says there are no 
 female angels. Too bad. We were 
 really looking forward to a cozy chat 
 
 with Cleopatra and Helen of Troy. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Bet we knew which key in the Col- 
 onel's typewriter needs repairing most. 
 
 The favorite stone for April is the 
 
 diamond. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A minister says that "hell is popu- 
 lated by politicians." Evidently Sa- 
 tan's life is not all beer and skittles. 
 
 "And we shall keep Anna nigh us," 
 chuckled the Colonel, on learning that 
 Dr. Anna Shaw had declartxi for him. 
 
 "Hosiery low, petticoats fluttering." 
 says a woman's wear journal. Now 
 that's our idea of a breezy paragraph. 
 
 Perhaps Charlie Fairbanks would be 
 more of a star if he were a little 
 meteor. 
 
 To thine own pelf be true. 
 
 Another European nobleman weds 
 an American heiress. The May flower 
 Is evidently the marigold. 
 
 A true friend will let you divide your 
 last dollar with him. 
 
 In this day of high prices. Colonel 
 Goethals is one of the very, very few 
 people able to make both ends meet. 
 
 An ounce of precaution may not be 
 worth a pound of cure, but it will un- 
 doubttxlly prevent a peek of trouble. 
 
 There is every reason to suppose 
 that Mr. Taft, like Reno, favors the 
 recall of the ring. 
 
 With due deference to Mona IJsa's 
 famous smile we must say that it looks 
 to us like the acid cachinnation of a 
 woman throwing off on her neighbor's 
 
 automobile. 
 
 • » • 
 
 A New Yorker minister is of opinion 
 that New York is as bad as Sodom. 
 Those Northerners do think a Lot of 
 their home towns. 
 
 The suffragette movement has at 
 least improved woman's marksman- 
 ship. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Only clear anachronism restrains the 
 assertion that Sir Philip Sidney, who 
 so willingly gave his cup of water to 
 the dying soldier, was a Kentuckian. 
 
 Everybody in Mexico is either a Son 
 or a Daughter of some Revolution or 
 
 other. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Senator La Follette's political ward- 
 robe consists mostly of Mr. Bryan's 
 
 cast-off clothes. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Died, at Oyster Bay. aged 7 years : 
 
 Will Knott Run. TRetiuiescat in pace. 
 
 « » « 
 
 "Beauty Secrets by Lillian Russell." 
 
 Trust a woman to tell 'em. 
 
 « » » 
 
 Mother-wit is such a fine thing that 
 we are continually reminded that a 
 majority of after-dinner speakers were 
 intellectually orphaned at birth. 
 
 French scientist is sure that he has 
 invented a process thac will prolong 
 life indefinitely, but the chorus-girls 
 have always been in possession of that 
 
 secret. 
 
 » * • 
 
 Mr. Roosevelt declai-es he is "up to 
 his ears" in work, but evidently when 
 the work reached the level of his lips 
 
 it divided and left an air-hole. 
 
 » • « 
 
 Marrj' in haste and repent at Reno. 
 
 * « • 
 
 We know now why they call him 
 "the unspeakable Turk." His wives 
 
 don't give him a chance. 
 
 « * » 
 
 Blood tells. In England red blood is 
 telling blue blood to sit in the corner 
 and be good. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 53 
 
 The principle of the recall of mar- 
 riage-certificates was first enunciated 
 
 In Reno. 
 
 « » • 
 
 Scratch the politician, and you often 
 find the demagogue. 
 
 We are for Roosevelt still, or as 
 
 much as possible. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Nowadays in California a miss is as 
 
 good as a mile or anything else. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Let the fact be noted that there are 
 no laymen among the cliickens. 
 
 But almost anybody would ratlier 
 
 be wrong tlian Vice-President. 
 
 « « # 
 
 The Colonel is slightly unwell. Prob- 
 ably a recurrence of that old I trouble. 
 
 » « • 
 
 "Turks Retreat Into Sahara." — 
 
 Headline. Getting their deserts at last. 
 
 • • • 
 
 When one considers the tenacity 
 with which tlie Federal pensioners 
 cling to life, the wonder is that Con- 
 federate bullets had effect on those 
 
 who did not survive the war. 
 
 • » * 
 
 O Ananias, what clubs are organized 
 in thy name ! 
 
 » * • 
 
 A European suffragist asserts that 
 women are laws unto themselves. A 
 majority of them are in addition laws 
 unto their husbands. 
 
 Time will tell, even if Theo. doesn't. 
 
 The people who want to support Col. 
 Roosevelt don't know whether to con- 
 sider his attitude that of Barkis or 
 Balaam. 
 
 • « # 
 
 The rain falls on the just and the 
 unjust alike, but the unjust probably 
 have a majority of the umbrellas. 
 
 Will he be found TRue or a TRaitor? 
 
 Some time since anything has been 
 heard of the American pole-weevil, 
 Dr. Cook. 
 
 • * • 
 
 "After announcing that he had not 
 come prepared to speak, Mr. Roosevelt 
 Baid ." (Four columns.) 
 
 Mistletoe looks like poison-ivy when 
 
 the wrong spinster's under it. 
 
 * * « 
 
 Public oHice is a public trust, except 
 when it is a private graft. 
 
 To her dying day Eve was convinced 
 that she would have got away with 
 that apple ei)isode if Adam hadn't 
 peached on her. 
 
 Probably the principal reason that 
 so few people read the Congressional 
 Record is that it advertises nothing 
 except Congressmen. 
 
 One of these days Mary Garden will 
 startle opera-goers by appearing in a 
 part that calls for foliage on the limbs. 
 
 Kisses are legal tender under the 
 
 mistletoe. 
 
 # « » 
 
 The Bank of Good Will honors all 
 overdrafts. 
 
 • « • 
 
 A bird on the hat is worth two in 
 the milliner's. 
 
 The staff baseball fanatic offers the 
 following as a partial list of the 
 world's greatest men : Sisera, who was 
 nailed at home; E. Payson Weston, 
 who always walks; Anthony Comstock, 
 who never touches a drop ; Sam Gom- 
 pers, who calls 'em out on strikes; 
 Henry VIII, who wasn't satisfie^l with 
 a single; the Hardeeville mail-robber, 
 who stole four sacks, and former 
 Judge Taft, who is going back to the 
 bench. 
 
 It is a true saying that there Is 
 some good in all men, but it takes a 
 steam-shovel to get it out of some men, 
 and the majority of us haven't time 
 for the excavating. 
 
 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomor- 
 row the Associatwl Press may begin 
 to send out the names of the Russian 
 generals. 
 
 Revised proverb. No. 1 : When in 
 
 Rome do the Romans ere they do you. 
 
 * « « 
 
 It is all right to have a biting wit, 
 but don't exercise it at the expense 
 of your friends. 
 
54 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A metropolitan minister avers that 
 the Smart Sot dames don't want chil- 
 dren. Of course they don't ; tlie little 
 imps would he always stealinj; their 
 cigarettes. 
 
 Any community can mend its ways 
 with the split-log drag. 
 
 The receptive candidate is often a 
 
 deceptive candidate also. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Dr. Anna Shaw says that some day 
 women will till men's shoes. Chicago 
 women do it now. 
 
 A California patient fatally stabbed 
 himself on the operating table. Prob- 
 ably was in a hurry. 
 
 Would it be proper to speak of the 
 money the new Mikado distributeil 
 among the poor on his accession as 
 reign-checks? 
 
 * » * 
 
 The female aviators just can't break 
 themselves of the habit of promising 
 to be down in five minutes. 
 
 And now we have the claim that 
 tobacco was known to the ancients. 
 
 This explains the pipes of Pan. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Some people auto that autnoto. 
 
 Speaking of the stage, what the pub- 
 lic demands is the squeeze play. 
 
 People get sick in Kentucky, but not 
 with water on the brain. 
 
 Late returns: Clubmen. 
 
 Coming down to brass tacks, exces- 
 sive prudery is as bad as pruriency. 
 There are the sculptured fig-leaves and 
 the dash after the "h." 
 
 Now that a watch has been removed 
 from a man's skull, the origin of the 
 phrase, "Time out of mind," may have 
 been discovered. 
 
 "We suppose that in describing dis- 
 tances London suffragettes use the 
 
 phrase, "A stone's throw." 
 * * » 
 "Taft Objects to Riders." headlines 
 a Washington contemporary, reporting 
 a bill. Especially rough ones. 
 
 Suing her husband, who is a book- 
 keeper, for divorce, a Kansas woman 
 calls him a "snake." An adder, no 
 doubt. 
 
 Headline in Chicago Tribune: 
 "When Democrats Get Together." If 
 they have any sense, the spectators get 
 under the table. 
 
 Nearly everybcxly has his idea of the 
 prettiest sight in the world, but to our 
 mind thei'e is nothing prettier than a 
 couple of tots with arms around their 
 white-haired grandmother. 
 
 The beef trust, we presume, stands 
 at Arnn)urgeildon. 
 
 Chicago news item : "As I^everidge 
 rose, the delegates sang the 'Bottle 
 Hymn of the Republic' " 
 
 We call women the weaker sex until 
 they become militant suffs and learn 
 how to curve rocks. 
 
 Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's 
 early light the spots where the 'skeeters 
 all nipped you last night? 
 
 Let's change the national motto to 
 ME Pluribus Unum ! 
 
 One of the recent threnodies on the 
 Titanic contains this line: "Thei*e are 
 no icebergs in heaven." T'other place, 
 either. 
 
 Almost anybody would be rather be 
 right than Vice-President. 
 
 Woodrow Wilson is less a Candidate 
 than a Cause. 
 
 The night has a thousand eyes, and 
 so has any one of T. R.'s speeches. 
 
 In the South, African game trails 
 usually lead away from the hen roost. 
 
 Some folks are beginning to love the 
 Colonel for the Democrats he has 
 made. 
 
 Put on your hat, Mr. Debs. Mary 
 Garden was pinched for less than that. 
 
 But Teddy has always favored the 
 re<'all of precedents. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES. 
 
 55 
 
 When you come down to it, fishing 
 is pretty much of a hook worm occu- 
 pation. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Mr. Gompers is one man who knows 
 
 how to make capital out of labor. 
 
 « » « 
 
 T. R. is the only living ex-Vlce- 
 President who is not a dead one. 
 
 Meantime, amid the wreck of matter 
 and the crush of worlds, Chairman 
 Norman Excelsior Mack stands out as 
 the 24-carat, ne plus ultra. Great Dem- 
 ocratic Optimist. If the Baltimore 
 Convention nominated Jim Ham Lewis 
 for President, Norman would be out 
 around November the first with a little 
 table proving that Jim Ham would be 
 elected by at least eight million plu- 
 rality. Norman E. is a first-class 
 Democrat, all the same, and it is a 
 matter of pride that the Champion 
 Claimer of Creation is of our own 
 
 political persuasion. 
 
 » • • 
 
 The Men and Religion Forward 
 Movement is given a set-back every 
 time Uncle Joe Cannon opens his 
 mouth. 
 
 We now understand why Odysseus 
 stuffed his ears with cotton. The 
 Sirens were singing the Missouri houn' 
 
 dawg song. 
 
 * * « 
 
 The Colonel's henchmen seem to 
 think our globe would crack and split, 
 the oceans in their beds would shrink, 
 the sun would throw a fit if Roosevelt's 
 not the President — that everything 
 would end, and skies with red, raw 
 lightnings rent some ghastly doom por- 
 tend. But we can hear with honest 
 mirth their dire predictions flame, for 
 we know that the same old earth 
 
 would roll on just the same. 
 
 « » * 
 
 We are surprised that prominent 
 Italians are protesting against the 
 erection of a statue to Dante in New 
 York, considering the free advertising 
 he gave that city in his book. 
 
 Washington was the father of his 
 country, but it is generally understood 
 that Colonel Roosevelt acted as family 
 physician at the interesting event. 
 
 But for the fact of his having access 
 to Mr. Bryan's political wardrobe, Col- 
 onel Roosevelt would have long ago 
 been arrested by Anthony Comstock's 
 minions. 
 
 The Norfolk Virginian-Pilot says 
 that a certain statement of Woodrow 
 Wilson's "is obviously catalectic." It 
 
 rather impressed us as being dogmatic. 
 
 « * * 
 
 "Roosevelt," says his running mate, 
 "is the greatest two-handed fighter this 
 country ever saw." But according 
 to our recollection, when Mr. Harri- 
 man last saw his two hands they were 
 not clenched. 
 
 A Philadelphia pastor complains that 
 too few people know the national 
 hymn. Well, it's their own fault — his 
 pictures have been in the papers 
 enough. 
 
 "Ingalls' sonnet on opportunity is 
 Colonel Roosevelt's favorite poem," 
 says the Birmingham Age-Herald. As 
 a matter of fact, Ingalls' poem is no 
 more of a sonnet than it is a triplet 
 or a rondeau ; and what the New York 
 Sun would do to the esteemed Colonel 
 if he called it a sonnet would be much. 
 
 The great secret of Colonel Roose- 
 velt's popularity is that he can use the 
 first person singular ninety times in a 
 speech and make the people believe it 
 is the first person plural. 
 
 « » ♦ 
 
 We might put up with Colonel Roose- 
 velt as the second father of his coun- 
 try, but it is too much when he also 
 wants to be his country's grandmother, 
 favorite wife, mother-in-law, maiden 
 aunt and co-respondent. 
 
 And still we gaze, and still the won- 
 der grows that one small mouth can 
 utter all he knows. 
 
 Man was made from the dust of the 
 ground, but in some men the sand was 
 omitted. 
 
 New York .society woman who 
 divorced three husbands is to marry 
 again. We wish for her a safe and 
 sane fourth. 
 
56 
 
 POF.VS AXn PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Fools sit in whoro wise luoii foar to 
 draw. 
 
 Chioago damsel of TiU wt\ls a youth 
 of 17. Another boycott. 
 
 If Adam could have foreseen suf- 
 frai;ettes. he wouldn't have partai with 
 that rib without a struggle. 
 
 What we like about the Ananias 
 Club is its business-like administration. 
 Not a single member is creiiiteil. 
 
 However, keynote spetvhes are un- 
 availtible in a deadlock. 
 
 It is considerably easier to be a l>em- 
 
 oorat than to define one. 
 
 * * * 
 
 li won't be a "White House much 
 longer if the Colonel's mud holds out. 
 
 Roosevelt out, trying to steal third. 
 
 The XVIth coustitiitioual ameud- 
 meut : T. K. 
 
 Col. Watterson calls Col. Roosevelt 
 "a hell-roarLng horse." Is it possible 
 that Col. W. dislikes Col. R.'? 
 
 * * « 
 
 Hell hath no fury like a Tarheel 
 tubbed. 
 
 And, as con<.'erns March. Hon. Wood- 
 row Wilson is for a safe and sane 
 Fourth. 
 
 "There are two branches of the Re- 
 publican party," says an exchange. 
 But neither of them is an olive branch. 
 
 A T. R. speech in a nutshell : "I">on't 
 cheer, boys: the pix^r devils are lying." 
 
 Many a good man. Colonel, has dieii 
 trying to stretch a double into a three- 
 saoker. 
 
 The trouble with campaign claims is 
 that they can't be staktHl. 
 
 A Harvard professor says that Jez- 
 ebel, of scriptural notoriety, was an 
 excellent cook. She is doubtless warm- 
 ing over something this minute. 
 
 One swallow doesn't make a simi- 
 mer, but three or four often bring 
 about a fall. 
 
 It must be annoying for Colonel 
 Roosevelt to retlect that Adam was the 
 first man. 
 
 However, when Germany is broke 
 she can always hock der Kaiser. 
 
 Nightcaps are all right when they 
 are dry-goods. 
 
 The average citizen long ago learned 
 from friend wife and her maternal 
 
 relative that the two-thirds rule goes. 
 
 * • * 
 
 A historical writer claims that 
 l>iogenes was thin-faced. Lantern- 
 jawed no doubt. 
 
 I'rayer of the paragraphers : "Ciive 
 us this day our daily Ted." 
 
 We trust that Lillian Russell's fourtk 
 will prove safe and sane. 
 
 Love ME. love my moose. 
 
 Man proposes. Burns ex^x^ses. 
 
 Colonel Roosevelt declares that he 
 got his policies from Lincoln. So he 
 did — from Linct.>ln. Nebraska. 
 
 The Memphis Commercial Appeal 
 persists in writing Pittsburgh without 
 the "h." One might as well omit the 
 "h" in Hades. 
 
 In Bristol. Virginia, a lawyer struck 
 another a hard blow on the head with 
 his list, doubtless creating another 
 
 legal knot. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A fashion authority says that tight 
 skirts are a blessing in disguise. Most 
 of us regard the disguise as perfect. 
 
 Cupid owns the biggest pressing club 
 in the world. 
 
 The average suffragette thinks that 
 if her hat-pin punctures a man's eye. 
 the man ought to apologize. 
 
 T. R. has made a speev'h in a phon- 
 ograph reoin-d. Pouble-faceil. for a 
 plugged nickel. 
 
 Sorrow is about the only thing that 
 can be drowned without the presence 
 of water. 
 
ROnERT ELLIOTT GONZALEI^ 
 
 57 
 
 Koine itc((])l(!'s Idea of a s(niare deal 
 Is a (li>iil)l(> (leal. 
 
 "Ludy (iodlva" having been made 
 Into an oiK?ra, wo lake real plcasiiic 
 In nominal JMK Mary (Jardcn for \\n'. 
 tide n.lo. 
 
 An ace in the hand is wortli two in 
 the deck. 
 
 Uovernor Harmon's inanaKors dnb 
 iilm "the orlj;lnal trnst-l)usler." lit; 
 seoms to luive l)Usted Mr. IJryan's, all 
 riKlit. 
 
 lOdison Hays tliat woman won't be 
 tlu' ('(lual of man for .'{,000 years. We 
 rej^ret that the process of revision 
 downward will bo so slow. 
 
 Senator Dixon and the Kevorend 
 Tliomas of llio name are said to \h\ 
 related and to liave been born in North 
 <'ai()lina only a few stills apart. 
 
 Probably the two rarest IhinKS In 
 this world are an Italian tenor who 
 Isn't concoifcMl and a split inlinitivo 
 In the New Ycn-k lOvenin^; Tost. 
 
 An lieiress-hnntinK foreif^n nobleman, 
 who tried to land in this eonntry, will 
 be sent home. This is lirst-rate de- 
 portment. 
 
 T. R.'s nuirriaKo to Miss Columbia in 
 1J)()1 seems to have Iteen mor;;anatic. 
 
 The Old Dutch ('leanser was .seven 
 years in the White Ilou.se and never 
 "touched" anythinj; dirty except the 
 trusts. 
 
 (Jortrude Atherton calls T. R. "a 
 communicable disease." It isn't lock- 
 jaw, however. 
 
 As the protected Interests see It, a 
 thiuK of duty is a joy forever. 
 
 A Roosevelt speech is a lar>;e body 
 of \inn onlirely surrounded by liars. 
 
 The Rritisb royal family has talcen 
 enthusiastically to jjolf, l»ut it was al- 
 ways partial to afternoon tees. 
 « # » 
 
 "Know all men by these presents" is 
 what brides <lo. 
 
 TIk; hnniiin rac(! is descended fronj 
 Adam, l)ut the Kun'raKo(t(!s make us 
 suspect that Jezebel was his second 
 
 Wlf(». 
 
 Man Is KoiuK to revert to the f/;orllla 
 type, says a London scientist. That 
 certainly se(!ms lof^ical unless woman 
 (piils making a monkey out of him. 
 
 Si)e;ikiMj^ of (!verylliin;^ advancing 
 Ibis year, even toiiclidowns now count 
 <i instead of r>. 
 
 If tlic meek shall lidierit the earth, 
 the Colonel will have to do somel)ody's 
 chores. 
 
 A physician conipl.iins that married 
 men driid< to(» mucli liquor. Sure. 
 What els(! are jx))) bottles for? 
 
 ('olonol Ivoosov(?It says ho doesn't 
 want to bo kin;^, but I'erkins keeps on 
 slRninK reifrn-cliecks just the same. 
 
 While boosting the prices of food- 
 stuffs, the trusts have at least «(Mior- 
 ously left food for thouf,'ht wliere It 
 was. 
 
 News from Nicara^'ua is to the of- 
 fe<;t that the rebel army may be forc(>() 
 to (capitulate, the private havinf? pone 
 home. 
 
 The Italians have coins called lire. 
 Maybe if the ('olonol is elected ho will 
 incorporate thoni into our currency. 
 
 When (!ol. Roosevelt reads the New 
 York i)apers he doubtless agrees with 
 the poet that the World is too much 
 with us. 
 
 Wood row Wilson is one Southerner 
 
 the Yankees made run. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Mary had a little Iamb. Rut that 
 was before the hi^h cost of living. 
 
 "Roo.scvelt a Witness." — Headline. 
 An "I" witness. 
 
 Probably an operatic sinfj;er is called 
 a diva because she is always in the 
 swim. 
 
 "Women's Hose One-Half OIT."— Ad- 
 vertisement. Sh-h-h-h ! 
 
58 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 While Wilson and Marshall are the 
 flower of Democracy neither claims 
 to he an American Beauty. 
 
 Woodrow Wilson is not a lawyer, 
 and possesses many other positive vir- 
 tues. 
 
 George Washington never told a lie, 
 but that is because he never ran 
 against Roosevelt for anything. 
 
 The Bulgarian army is evidently on 
 the eve of a battle. The dispatches 
 say it has occupied Adam. 
 
 One muff cost the Giants $29,514. 
 This should make leading furriers 
 green with jealousy. 
 
 Kier Hardie says that from the ear- 
 liest times men hid behind women's 
 skirts. Well, it's a safe bet Adam 
 didn't. 
 
 We are no stickler for realism, but 
 we do wish when the moving-picture 
 companies show the Fall of Babylon 
 they wouldn't make the telegraph poles 
 so conspicuous. 
 
 The sulfragettes who are swearing 
 to wear no gowns until they can vote, 
 presumably do not expect to do their 
 Christmas shopping in person. 
 
 A Mobile woman who loved her pipe 
 has died at the age of 104. There's 
 nothing to it ; that horrible nicotine 
 will get us some time. 
 
 "Married At Sea," 
 Another bell buoy. 
 
 ?oes a headline. 
 
 Somehow, there is never short meas- 
 ure about a peck of trouble. 
 
 If the Colonel were not a bull moose 
 one suspects that he would be a mud 
 horse. 
 
 Let us eat, drink, and be merry, for 
 tomorrow the press association may 
 give out the names of the Bulgarian 
 generals. 
 
 A man can't habitually paint the 
 town red without getting some of it on 
 his nose. 
 
 Sir Tom Lipton seems to have the 
 advertising art down to a T. 
 
 Our information is that the recent 
 parade of the Holy Name societies in 
 Pittsburgh, was not graced by the pres- 
 ence of the Hon. Joseph Guerney Can- 
 non. 
 
 When a rich girl gets married they 
 call it "nuptials." 
 
 When aviators fall out, honest sex- 
 tons come into their own. 
 
 Blessed are the candidates, for they 
 shall inherit the headlines. 
 
 Every Columbia girl would be a 
 daisy if she weren't a columbme. 
 
 A man will always have plenty of 
 friends as long as he's not short. 
 
 At any rate, Mr. Taft will have left 
 a huge footprint on the sands of time. 
 
 Some men are born liars ; some 
 achieve liarhood ; and some attempt to 
 quote Colonel Roosevelt. 
 
 Perhaps a battleship is called "she" 
 because it takes a couple of years to 
 get ready. 
 
 If the Garden of Eden is at the 
 North Pole, as Dr. Cook declai'es, we 
 rise to nominate T. Roosevelt for the 
 position of Adam. 
 
 Some of the Colonel's Western 
 speeches occupied two hours in passing 
 a given point. 
 
 Amazing headline in a Washington 
 contemporary : "Theodore R. Taft Ar- 
 rested .for Speeding." 
 
 T. R. says the trust magnates ought 
 to have their heads shaved. Now, 
 don't be thunderstruck ; we mean T. 
 R. Marshall. 
 
 "Mary Garden in Huff." — Headline. 
 Thank heaven for that much ! 
 
 He stands at Armageddon and he 
 sends the trusts to smash by the very 
 simple method of expending all their 
 cash. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 59 
 
 The political menagerie : The G. O. 
 P. — the Elephant ; Tammany — the 
 Tiger ; Democracy — the Donkey ; T. R. 
 — the Bull Moose ; the Consumer — the 
 Goat. 
 
 A Woman Never Cancels Her Speak- 
 ing Dates. 
 
 The Psalmist said in his haste that 
 all men are liars. No wonder T. R. 
 thinks it impossible to improve on the 
 Bible. 
 
 A Hearst editorial on WiLson's 
 "Sober Democracy" rather inconsis- 
 tently winds up with "Wilson sits 
 tight." 
 
 Chicago heiresses may not stand at 
 Armageddon, but they certainly battle 
 for a Lord. 
 
 The worst to be said of the Sultan 
 is that he is a harem-scarum sort of 
 fellow. 
 
 Eugenics is all very well, but the 
 best guarantee for happy marriages is 
 more Cupid and less cupidity. 
 
 Nicaragua's treasury is said to be 
 empty. Then why expect her to settle 
 down if slie can't settle up? 
 
 The spirit of '76 yet survives. A 
 Kentuckian claims to have kept a bot- 
 tle of whiskey for .36 years. 
 
 The Prohibition candidate for Presi- 
 dent denounces prize fights. Probably 
 hates to see the claret flow. 
 
 Somewhere beyond 
 breaks the dawn. 
 
 the shadows 
 
 As we understand it, the only trust 
 T. R. ever smashed was Mr. Taft's. 
 
 Colonel Roosevelt reiterates that a 
 Progressive is "a man who works with 
 his face toward the light." And with 
 the limelight toward his face. 
 
 The most fearsome individual on 
 earth is the man behind the dun. 
 
 In other words. Dr. Eliot lays away 
 the Colonel on his five-foot shelf. 
 
 And we suppose that it is proper to 
 refer to the Roosevelt naps as bull- 
 dozes. 
 
 A college professor advances the sur- 
 mise that the Pharaohs had the hook- 
 worm. Well, the Red Sea certainly 
 cured one case. 
 
 The elephant and the donkey seem 
 to be trying to make the bull moose 
 the goat. 
 
 Some criminal lawyers are literally 
 that. 
 
 Beware of the politician who at- 
 tempts to make capital out of labor. 
 
 We shrewdly suspect that what 
 Woodrow Wilson meant by "men of the 
 meaner sort" was umpires. 
 
 "Roosevelt To Be Heard," headlines 
 in a Philadelphia exchange. This is in- 
 deed a year of innovation and prece- 
 dent smashing. 
 
 Ill fares the land by hastening ills 
 accursed, where mint accumulates and 
 there's no thirst. 
 
 The call of the bull moose is more 
 frequent in Maine than his recall in 
 California. 
 
 Revolution in Nicaragua is led by 
 General Mena, and in this country by 
 Colonel Me. 
 
 Many a June bride has discovered 
 by this time that her spouse's halo was 
 rubbed up for the occasion. 
 
 We suppose that "We Don't Go 
 Home Until Morning," may be termed 
 the Bottle Hymn of the Republic. 
 
 They do say that at the first men- 
 tion of ratification in the Senate, the 
 women spectators hoisted their skirts 
 and surged out. 
 
 It is simply impossible to compre- 
 hend the turmoil into which this coun- 
 try would be plunged if Theodore 
 Roosevelt had been born triplets. 
 
 T. R. is tranquility's army worm. 
 
60 
 
 rohws A\n rAh\i(rii\[pns 
 
 Moxliv's principal prodiu't would ap- 
 pear to bo oUili (.'ou caruai;o. 
 
 Ouo broath of scandal makes the 
 whi>le world eliiu. 
 
 Now that the baseball season is 
 nearly over, the bull moose becomes 
 the national pune. 
 
 After a man is enj^aged his vocation 
 bivomes a call in;;. 
 
 There may be a telephone trust, but 
 it is not m the operator. 
 
 "Cl^irs are now all the rn.ce amoni; 
 Chieaj:;o sutfrasottes." remarks an e\- 
 ehanije. Woman's putYraiie. so to 
 
 speak. 
 
 • • • 
 
 And Boise. Idaho, hastens to explain 
 that its name was not derived from 
 any Senator now in the public eye. 
 
 Anyhow, it cannot be claimed that 
 Senator Penrose was not true to his 
 trust. 
 
 'I'he katydid is the Hearst of the in- 
 sivt world. 
 
 One way to eliminate the costinne 
 expense at a masked ball is to go as 
 Mary Oarden. 
 
 We would give a dollar and ei.irht 
 cents for a glimpse of the stubs in Mr. 
 
 rerkins' check book. 
 
 "If all the sea were U»k." specula- 
 tively begins the Boston Transcript. 
 
 Never mind : Oyster Bay is. 
 
 * • • 
 
 "Votes for women?" Many a sorry 
 vagabond has been eUvted to ottice on 
 a«.vount of his wife. 
 
 Of course the dollar in politics has 
 no use for "the Scholar in rolitics." 
 
 Love at tirst sight often leads into a 
 blind alley. 
 
 By the way. the cotton belt never 
 breaks. 
 
 These nuuidy roads bring out the 
 unpleasant truth that some of our 
 sroddesses have clay feet. 
 
 The man who said. "United we stand, 
 divided we fall," did not get his wis- 
 dom from contenvplation ot" the "hob- 
 ble" or the "harem." 
 
 "Spanish Pretender Again Active." — 
 lleailUne. The bourbonlc plague! 
 
 It Is getting time for Bernard pshaw 
 to ileliver himself of some further 
 freak observations. 
 
 ArconUiKj to (D. Cupid'.t) Jloi/lc. 
 To catch a queen in the game of 
 hearts, lead a diamond. 
 
 Picked up a very tolerable lastline on 
 the street this a. m. : 
 
 "CJeewhizaintithot I" 
 
 Oddly enough, symptoms of insanity 
 rarely develoi> in a n\urderer uutU 
 after a consultation with his lawyer. 
 
 This age will be put down in history 
 as the American Kenossance. 
 
 <.>ne touch of winter makes the coal 
 world grin. 
 
 All the world's a stage, and Theo- 
 dore is the harUHpiin. 
 
 "Divorce Fi-ees Sylva." — Headline. 
 Bet the Judge was a Bryanite. 
 
 THEOPOI.ATRY. n— Inordinate ad- 
 miration of Theodore: the homage of 
 TheiHlorers, a sei't in the Western 
 United States. See CU^VEBNOU. 
 
 Fortunately for the Chinese Kepnb- 
 
 llc, it has no Mexican bovmdary. 
 
 • * • 
 
 An Oregon man killed 275 snakes in 
 one day. An Ore.sronian. mind you, not 
 a Kentuckian. 
 
 Around Christmas a married woman 
 acts more like a sovereign State than 
 a conquered provii\ce. 
 
 King CevM-ge's spetvh from the 
 throne is described as "colorless." but 
 it was doubtless read in Britain. 
 
 .V UtHkofeller feclim: makes some 
 judges wondrous blind. 
 
 The lyuehhig season is in full swing. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 61 
 
 Even the French can't call the 
 Kaiser's "JMeiiiseir uiul (Jolt' couiltiiia- 
 tion an "nnholy alliance." 
 
 Whenever a I<]uroi)ean artist j^ets 
 hard up he paints a Itenibrandt and 
 sells it to an American billionaire. 
 
 Aviation is said to be conducive to 
 sinijUe virtues. It certainly promotes 
 I)lane liviufj: and liijj;li thinlcinj;. 
 
 Noah was on the water-wauon for 
 forty days. This is cited merely to 
 show that it can be done. 
 
 The bubble profanity is most often 
 observed at the Cannon's mouth since 
 Champ was elected Speaker. 
 
 "Whiskers must go," declares Dr. 
 
 Wiley. They do — into mattresses. 
 
 tt « * 
 Aviation presents a strong attrac- 
 tion to women, there being so many 
 
 air-pockets one can go through. 
 « « » 
 The Solid South can't be melted with 
 the IJig Smile or broken with the Big 
 Stick. 
 
 The beauty about being (Jeorge V is 
 that he doesn't have to spend a X of 
 his own. 
 
 An lOcuadorian mob decapitated, 
 shot and burned a general who was 
 called "the idol of Ecuador." We 
 sliould hate to be an idol in that geo- 
 graphical expression. 
 
 * V ■* 
 
 "Can the Crand Old Party come 
 back?" asks an exchange. If the refer- 
 ence Is to Sarah Harnhardt, she can 
 and will. 
 
 "Cherchez la fenime," says the old 
 saw. Easy, with latter day styles, to 
 find the femme. The big problem is to 
 
 find her clothes. 
 
 * » # 
 
 Ordinary men should be measured 
 from head to foot ; waiters, bellboys 
 and I'ullman porters, from tip to tip. 
 
 Tiady Godlva had just finished her 
 ride through Coventry. 
 
 "Oidy one man peeped ; but suppose 
 I had worn a silhouette gown !" she 
 chuckled. 
 
 The female of the species plays havoc 
 with the specie of the male. 
 
 "Possibly this archaeologist who says 
 baseball Is 3,500 years old was merely 
 alluding facetiously to Cain's hit-and- 
 run play and the prodigal son's home 
 run." — The State. "No ; he undoubted- 
 ly referred to Abraham's sacrilice hit, 
 and to Noah, who went out on a lly."— 
 Aslieville Citizen. On second thought, 
 we imagine his allusion was to Adam's 
 side out, and the time Jael nailed Slsera 
 at home. 
 
 Begin to give the devil his due, and 
 as a general thing you'll end up by 
 
 swapping tobacco with him. 
 
 tt « « 
 
 This Illinois man who did the family 
 washing while ills wife voted, was 
 pi'obably some poor scrub. 
 
 Nat Goodwin has taken up golf, and 
 we suppose when some one cries 
 "Fore!" Nat shouts in reply: "Wi'ong, 
 old chap, Five!" 
 
 During April 37 sets of twins were 
 born in Texas, a baby naturally fear- 
 ing to strike that State alone. 
 
 The Intelligence that the Colonel 
 rarely takes anything will come as a 
 
 rude surprise to Colombia. 
 
 » » # 
 
 "What Is so rare as a knight in 
 June?" chuckled J. M. Barrio, as he 
 scanned King (Jeorge's list of birthday 
 honors. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Our observation has been that there 
 Is no coign of vantage like the double- 
 eagle. 
 
 Y. Yamaguchi says Japan wants no 
 war. A word to the Y's : Neither do 
 we. 
 
 Another reason Woodrow Wilson 
 puzzles the politicians is that his 
 friendship Is not of the "shake-well- 
 after-using" variety. 
 
 Veterans will (ind living cheap at 
 the (Jettysburg reunion, there being no 
 
 Pickett's charge this year. 
 # # » 
 Man proposes, woman exposes. 
 
C2 
 
 POEMS AXD PA!?A(?RAPnS 
 
 A Spanish Cabinet, at any rate, in- 
 variably boavs its troubles with resig- 
 nation. 
 
 A real use for poetical feet has been 
 diseovered. Le Callienne says he has 
 
 walked '250 miles through Frauee. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Nor was the rural newspaper half 
 wrons:. which with an eye on the hob- 
 ble, spoke of "the lloppy bride." 
 
 Any Ensilish squire : "Oh sye. can 
 you see by the dawn's hearly liixlit. if 
 my 'ouse is still there where I left it 
 lawst night?" 
 
 It seems impossible for The Com- 
 moner and The Army and Navy Jour- 
 nal to pull in harness on a peace plan. 
 
 A North Carolinian named O. Dam- 
 mit wants his name chan;j;ed, but prob- 
 ably not half as badly as Helen 
 Blazes. 
 
 The Boston Transcript is becoming 
 so wroth with the administration that 
 we look — every day now to see where 
 it has split an intinitive in its tem- 
 pestuous fury. 
 
 It sounds paradoxical, but the crust- 
 iest Democrat is the one who got no 
 pic. 
 
 Certie Hoffman, next to Col. Mary 
 Carden, the greatest living exponent 
 of the skin game, is in our midst to- 
 morrow night. (Adv.) 
 
 * * « 
 
 When .« man dei'ides to forgive his 
 enemies ue generally begins with those 
 he knows he can't lick. 
 
 A modest glimpse at the picture of 
 the trousers a prominent New York 
 suff is now wearing convinces us that 
 they are breeches of promise. 
 
 » « * 
 
 There is less joy on earth when 
 ninety-nine sinners repent than when 
 one ice man sees the error of his 
 
 weighs. 
 
 » * * 
 
 The Hand of Trovidence is what we 
 see in the Misfortiuies of Cithers. 
 When we are Unlucky it's the Devil's 
 Work. 
 
 Every woman that knows a secret is 
 a Daughter of the Kevelatiou. 
 
 Of course there's no race suicide In 
 the far East. That's where the pop- 
 pies and the mummies come from. 
 
 The will of a New York corset man- 
 ufacturer. re<.'ently deceased, shows 
 that he squeezed ^4()5,tK)0 out of the 
 people. 
 
 The dominant instruments in that 
 European concert seem to be the loot 
 and the lyre. 
 
 The slit skirt reveals more fatted 
 calves than the prodigal son ever saw. 
 
 We see by the papers that New York 
 chorus girls are kicking for more 
 
 money. 
 
 • • • 
 
 It's hard to put the go in tango, 
 there being so much tang in it. 
 
 Despite these protests against the 
 lashing of convicts. Delaware still 
 holds the whip hand. 
 
 The way of the transgressor is well- 
 travelled. 
 
 A lot of married men talk in their 
 sleep, as it's their only chance. 
 
 Mr. Bryan cares not who spikes the 
 drinks of a nation, if only he may 
 spike its guns. 
 
 An English autlu>r advises women to 
 take T.ady Codiva as their model. H'm. 
 Casual inspection of current feminine 
 costumes would indicate that the dear 
 creatures have already done it. 
 
 "President Wilson is a careful 
 dresser." says a Washington corre- 
 spondent, which settles the question as 
 to the kind of wood in Woodrow. It is 
 obviously sprm-e. 
 
 Divorcing the currency from politics 
 is all right, providing the public does 
 not have to pay the alimony. 
 
 (^ne assumes that Mr. Ceorge W. 
 Perkins's favorite among current tic^ 
 tion is "The Harvester." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 63 
 
 A $10,000 prize is oflVrod for a 
 "clean opera." IIow about II SapolioV 
 
 In Uio matter of jiettinjj; lired, the 
 loaded ,unn has uolhiiiix on (he h)a(hHl 
 employe. 
 
 If only Dame Fortune would come 
 in person, instead of sending her 
 daughter. Miss Fortune! 
 
 Miss Si'oville of Kan.sas has married 
 Walter DeMunnu. Here's hoping she 
 
 won't find him one of the brut type. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Discovery that Plutarch wrote about 
 the slit skirt is certain touijh on the 
 already overworked librarians. 
 
 Turkey (sotto voce) : "How these 
 Christians love one another !" 
 
 It besins to look as if Turkey may 
 got back a drum-stick. 
 
 Speaking of forward-lookini; men, 
 Smollett once wrote about "ridicidous 
 modes, invented by ignorance and 
 adopted by folly." 
 
 Secretary Daniels is said to be a 
 close student of the Bible. Possibly he 
 got his theories of handling old salts 
 from the story of Lot's wife. 
 
 In algebra and the average pocket- 
 book, X represents an unknown quan- 
 tity. 
 
 There were evidently no Bryanites 
 on the Brookl.^■n jury that awarded a 
 man $7,500 for the loss of three lin- 
 gers. 
 
 "Lost — gray enamelled lady's watch." 
 —Adv. in the New York Herald. Here's 
 hoping the gray enameled lady finds it. 
 
 It was once necessary to wait until 
 winter to see bare limbs, but the 
 fashion-makers have changed all that. 
 
 Can some one tell us why in the dic- 
 tionaries, "Marry" is always followed 
 immediately by "Mars?" 
 
 Mr. Hearst is against the banana 
 tax, doubtless on the ground that the 
 yellows should stand together in a 
 crisis. 
 
 New York's idea of elevating the 
 stage would appear to be putting it in 
 the roof gardens. 
 
 tt « « 
 
 "Too many swallows make a lark," 
 observes the Philadelphia Record. 
 Likewise a bat. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Crying needs — handkerchiefs. 
 
 * • * 
 
 The best job an original Wilson man 
 has yet landed is Woodrow's. 
 
 One sure way to get rid of the blues 
 
 is to stand pat on deuces. 
 « « * 
 Isn't It queer that whenever Cupid's 
 
 arrows hit they make Mrs? 
 
 * * « 
 
 We don't mind cotton operators grin- 
 ning at the price — but not bearing it. 
 
 Mr. Bryan's family tree must be a 
 date. 
 
 A friend in need will keep you broke. 
 
 Art is long, but artists are generally 
 short. 
 
 If ragtime will soon die out, as this 
 college professor asserts, here's hoping 
 it will be a horrible death. 
 
 At any rate, the suffragettes have 
 not yet demanded that the things be 
 called majamas. 
 
 Our notion of the highest pitch of 
 efficiency is Walter Johnson. 
 
 After all, the real director of the 
 census is the stork. 
 
 "Ambassadorship" is a noun that's 
 often decllnetl these days. 
 
 Success never turns a man's head 
 half as quickly as a slit skirt. 
 
 Yes, Geraldine, there is a ship of 
 state, and The Congressional Record is 
 a bunk. 
 
 If there's anything in a name. Sec- 
 retary Bryan's favorite poet probably 
 is Dryden. 
 
 It seems hard for President Mellen 
 to recognize that recklessness never 
 yet produced w recklessness. 
 
64 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Mexico can stand a loan, all right, 
 
 but wbethei- alone remains to be seen. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Side-shows — slit skirts. 
 
 The United Sweats of America ! 
 
 A gas bill is nothing to make light of. 
 
 The pastor who calls John D. a rose 
 bush is a nature-faker. No rose bush 
 lives in clover. 
 
 Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish is to give a 
 "fairy-tale ball" at Newport. Some- 
 body should go as a campaign promise. 
 
 It is all right to be treated for the 
 liquor habit. But that's how a lot of 
 men acquired it. 
 
 Woman's sphere in London is the 
 bomb. 
 
 Touch and go — bill collectors. 
 
 The designer of the Lincoln penny 
 has married. We always thought that 
 there was something coming to him. 
 
 Peace, crushed to earth, will rise 
 again. 
 
 The merry wives of Windsor are not 
 so merry now that Queen Mary has 
 forbidden gambling at bridge there. 
 
 Appointing authors to diplomatic 
 posts is no new idea, although para- 
 doxically it's a novel one. 
 
 George Perkins says campaign funds 
 are a disgrace, but where w^ould the 
 bull moosers be without bucks and 
 doe? 
 
 "A mist is as good as a mile," 
 chuckled the German admiral, as he 
 ordered his squadron out for another 
 raid. 
 
 London rejoices to observe that the 
 men higher up are lying low. 
 
 Still, we trust our blue law friends 
 won't want to prohibit the playing of 
 billiards, just because the balls kiss. 
 
 Onward, Christiaii-Mohammedan- 
 
 Buddhist-Shinto-Brahmin soldiers ! 
 
 Germany got the ball to the five- 
 yard line, but apparently can't put it 
 over. 
 
 Give the Turk some credit. He 
 hasn't announced that Allah is on his 
 side. 
 
 We suppose the triumphant suffs 
 will soon insist that all prayers end 
 with "Awomen." 
 
 How does the Colonel reconcile his 
 martial spirit with his hatred of race 
 
 suicide? 
 
 « « « 
 
 The Crown Prince's mortal illness 
 seems to have been one of those 
 Charles W. Morse affairs. 
 
 The way of the transgressor seems 
 to lead through Belgium. 
 
 The Indian army is fighting so 
 splendidly in Europe that there is 
 grave apprehension that the fact can't 
 be kept from Poet Rabindranath Ta- 
 gore much longer. 
 
 October — Roosevelt 
 York. 
 
 November — New York 
 Roosevelt. 
 
 stumped New 
 stumped 
 
 Should England be driven to making 
 peace overtures, we nominate the Duke 
 of Fife for the job. 
 
 Wilhelm's revision : "Vox populi, 
 vox Mei." 
 
 Turkey's reason for going to war is 
 simple. The Crescent wants to be in- 
 crescent. 
 
 Why doesn't this German General 
 Zedlitz issue a blue and white paper? 
 
 German soldiers pay for supplies 
 they take. They aren't I. O. Uhlans. 
 
 Tuft's new President is Dr. Bumpus, 
 and the undergraduates must think it's 
 a mighty ominous name. 
 
 The way Connecticut voted, you'd 
 never think Baldwin was once the ap- 
 ple of its eye. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 65 
 
 John Bull can appreciate now how 
 
 old Damocles felt. 
 
 # # * 
 
 Thank goodness, Turkey has no poet 
 laureate ! 
 
 The Editor's Mail. 
 
 A thunderous missive demanding 
 that the proper authorities double- 
 track Blank street at once. 
 
 Three anonymous communications, 
 inviting him to visit the haunt of the 
 justly celebrated tallow cat and as- 
 bestos rat. 
 
 About 10,000 words showing con- 
 clusively that the Americans are di- 
 rectly descended from that lost tribe 
 of Israel. 
 
 Letter from a prohibitionist de- 
 nouncing a facetious paragraph about 
 prohibition. 
 
 Letter from a red-nosed brother 
 furiously commending it. 
 
 Three-column screed recounting the 
 amazing virtues of hot water taken 
 internally. 
 
 Two-column gem, proving beyond all 
 peradventure that the hot spell is 
 really the result of cutting the Pana- 
 ma Canal. 
 
 Request to give the population of 
 Kokomo, Ind., in his valuable paper. 
 
 Request to know what Ty Cobb 
 batted last year. 
 
 Vehement attack on the esteemed 
 cops for permitting auto speeding. 
 
 Short note asking if it is pronounced 
 Werta or Huretter. 
 
 Uncle Sam points with pride to the 
 fact that he has two Red rivers, but 
 no red rivers. 
 
 Paris appears to have cut off the sup- 
 ply of imported wrappers, but, oh, you 
 domestic fillers ! 
 
 The government seems to intend to 
 make it as hard to dodge a tax as a 
 taxi. 
 
 Naturally, Representative Good 
 voted for the prohibition amendment, 
 but we are rather surprised to find 
 Messrs. Church and Sabath against it. 
 
 CHRISTMAS, 1914. 
 
 MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
 
 To all and sundry. 
 
 To our noble selves. 
 
 To old Santa, God bless him ! 
 
 To King Hog and ex-King Cotton. 
 
 To all little children and all grown- 
 up children. 
 
 To Albert, of the Belgians, every 
 inch a king. 
 
 To the Rev. Sam Creech, late of 
 Possumville, S. C. 
 
 To Richard Irvine Manning and all 
 the Manning line. 
 
 To Woodrow Wilson. May his 
 shadow never grow less. 
 
 To a South Carolina patriot in Che- 
 raw and another in Sumter. 
 
 To every South Carolina politician 
 whose conscience is clear. 
 
 To the great and good man who in- 
 vented candied sweet potatoes. 
 
 To The State's friends and sub- 
 scribers, and to those who ought to be. 
 
 To the Gi'eeuville Piedmont man, 
 and more power to his paragraphic 
 pen. 
 
 To the weather man, because, bad as 
 it is, he might have treated us worse. 
 
 To the three or four German soldiers 
 who haven't been given Iron Crosses 
 yet. 
 
 To Theodore the Immortal, and the 
 lingering remnants of his assistant 
 Democratic society. 
 
 To "Y. S.," who, like a good deed in 
 a naughty world, shineth, for the holi- 
 days in Georgia. 
 
 To Brother Ayers, of the Anniston 
 Star, who sent us a Christmas card 
 from sunny Alabam'. 
 
 To the generous men and the noble 
 women who are keeping the Associated 
 Charities going. 
 
 To Poet Laureate Robert Bridges, 
 for kindly refraining from perpetrat- 
 ing any more war ditties. 
 
 To Scarborough, Whitby and Hartle- 
 pool, and may they never have another 
 such scare handed 'em. 
 
 To all the warriors who won medals 
 for valor on the bloody field, when 
 they were too scared to run. 
 
66 
 
 POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 
 
 To Professor Taft, ou \A'hom be 
 peace. May Aiuit Delia's apple pie to- 
 day be tlie best he ever tasted. 
 
 To old Field Marshal von Hinden- 
 burg, the Fatherland's best general 
 and toughest scrapper since Moltke. 
 
 To Kaiser Wilhelm von Deutschland 
 und Belgium (temporarily), and may 
 he soon see the error of his ways. 
 
 To all men. great and small, who 
 are trying in the names of humanity 
 and civilization to end this horrible 
 war. 
 
 To the Ohio State Journal man, to 
 our mind the brightest paragrapher in 
 these, so to speak. United States. 
 
 To John D. liockefeller. May he con- 
 tinue relieving the Belgians of their 
 woes and quit relieving us of our 
 shekels. 
 
 To Elbert Hubbard, of East Aurora, 
 with congratulations ou the way he 
 whammed Kultur and Kruppery in the 
 last Philistine. 
 
 To Deutschland. Austria. Servia. 
 Russia, la belle France : more particu- 
 hirly to brave little Belgium and glori- 
 ous old England. 
 
 To His Imperial Highness, the 
 Grand Duke Nicholas Nicholavitch, 
 who is leading the Russian army — by 
 half a mile. 
 
 To the Gamaliel of American jour- 
 nalism. Henry Watterson. whom all 
 well brought up newspaper men are 
 
 taught to admire and love. 
 
 # » » 
 
 The Hearst motto: "When in doubt, 
 say Bryan did it." 
 
 The fellow who gets home stewed 
 usually gets roasted. 
 
 Quite right. Peace will be patched 
 lip on the seat of war. 
 
 After turning over that new leaf, it 
 might be a good idea to put a good. 
 
 stout paper-weight on it. 
 
 * * « 
 
 Wilhelm evidently tigures that it's 
 better for his navy to go down in his- 
 tory than in the North Sea. 
 
 It must be admitted that the Maine 
 baby christened '"Berlin Paris" has a 
 capital name. 
 
 Then methought the news grew den- 
 ser, doctored by an unseen censor. 
 
 • « * 
 
 We can at least see America first in 
 charity. 
 
 Turkey seems to be in for another 
 basting. 
 
 South Africa appears to have lost its 
 union card. 
 
 The Crown Prince gave every Ger- 
 man soldier a pipe, but it is under- 
 stood that it wasn't a French brier. 
 
 "Here Lies the Petrograd Correspon- 
 dent" would make quite as good a 
 standing headline as an epitaph. 
 
 "Grand Duke Splits Austrian Army." 
 The greatest common divisor, as it 
 were. 
 
 Nothing strange about Pennsylvania 
 women's opposition to Penrose, the 
 
 girls usually being after the Boies. 
 
 • » * 
 
 Warsaw and see-saw have come to 
 be synonymous. 
 
 Manslayers used to be hung on 
 crosses. Now crosses are hung on man- 
 slayers. 
 
 • • • 
 
 We shall probably learn in time that 
 Xerxes swore Leonidas forced the war 
 on him. 
 
 In America, it is the factories that 
 war rushes to death ; in Europe, the 
 
 soldiers. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Hard times always discover a multi- 
 tude of soft hearts. 
 
 And speaking of great compromises, 
 Tennessee's Democratic ticket is Rye 
 and Welch ! 
 
 If Madame de Thebes would aban- 
 don the hazardcnis business of trying to 
 predict the result of the war and con- 
 tine herself to annoiuicing o\\ every New 
 Year's day that a fresh Alfonso woiUd 
 arrive in Spain tuat year, her batting 
 average in the Proiihetical Association 
 would be considerably better. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 67 
 
 Lives of Zeppelins remind us 
 We can soar to dizzy perches, 
 
 And, departing, leave behind us 
 Ten or fifteen ruined churches. 
 
 Germany has called all 17-year-old 
 boys to the colors, thus clearing up the 
 mystery of who put the infant in in- 
 fantry. 
 
 Will the valued Tampa Times kindly 
 inform us just what it means by its 
 reference to "every Democrat and 
 every good citizen?" 
 
 As we understand it, Germany finds 
 our consuls in Belgium guilty of hu- 
 manity in the first degree. 
 
 Paragraphers and cartoonists find 
 President Wilson's long chin a boon. 
 Other folks are more grateful for his 
 long head. 
 
 We fear little Bernstorff. his words are 
 
 are so warm ; 
 But if we don't gall him, he'll do us no 
 
 harm. 
 
 Mars and Old Nick, in chorus ; 
 us this day our daily dead." 
 
 "Give 
 
 Boston is seething with indignation, 
 a prominent linotype having just an- 
 nounced that the Belgians saved few 
 of their household cods. 
 
 From all we can gather about Mr. 
 Catts, who is a candidate for Governor 
 of Florida, he comes right up to the 
 scratch. 
 
 A Los Angeles family had ostrich for 
 their Christmas dinner. Held a kicker 
 and filled, so to speak. 
 
 Man's inhumanity to man makes 
 countless thousands of dollars for 
 American powder manufacturers. 
 
 It is estimated that the war has cost 
 Belgium a billion dollars. But the 
 world's eternal admiration and homage 
 should be worth something. 
 
 However, the military expert who 
 avers that the Russians will win in the 
 long run will have to admit that they're 
 pretty good at the sprints, too. 
 
 Wood row Wilson yesterday convened 
 for the short session. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Wilhclm strained at a Sikh and swal- 
 lowed a Mussulman. 
 
 Probably the very apex of sarcasm 
 is reached in the average pressing 
 club's opinion of a Highland soldier. 
 
 The king is in his counting-house, 
 wondering where the mischief the 
 money has gone. 
 
 * * * 
 
 We suppose the 1,800 Paris artists at 
 the front are drawing only their ra- 
 tions and the enemy's fire. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Bear that walks like a crab ! 
 
 Our own idea of zero in usefulness 
 is a 1913 map of Europe. 
 
 A scientist says that newspapers will 
 make you warm. Colonel Roosevelt 
 found that out long ago. 
 
 The paragraphers would not mogne 
 If this here war should reach Cologne. 
 
 First Russian Officer : "The German 
 army is coming." Second Russian Of- 
 ficer : "Let's beat it !" 
 
 * * * 
 
 Many a fellow is a star because he 
 stuck to the dipper and the milky way. 
 
 That appropriation bill seems to 
 have been written by a retrenchant 
 pen. 
 
 As we understand it, the Dresden 
 grounded out trying to make a home 
 run. 
 
 They are enlisting mere boys every- 
 where, even Turkey calling out the 
 
 Asia minors. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Short Poem on the Weather: 
 Well ! Well ! 
 
 Isn't this the deuce? 
 
 A machine for digging graves has 
 been invented, but it takes man to fill 
 them. 
 
 Well, anyway, they put the scar in 
 Scarborough, the hit in Whitby, and 
 took the heart out of Hartlepool. 
 
68 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Not infrequently a stat 
 comes a stagger party. 
 
 party be- 
 
 Bet those cavalry horses are doing a 
 lot of war stamping. 
 
 No wonder the Pennsylvania tramp 
 who swallowed 16 needles had a stitch 
 in his side. 
 
 "Roosevelt Signs With Metropolitan." 
 — Headline. Mazagine, opera. or 
 museum. 
 
 "Turks Revolting." — Headline, 
 always were. 
 
 They 
 
 Senator Vardaman's refusal to read 
 the war news may be explained by the 
 fact that so much of it is colored. 
 
 An Englishman's house is his castle, 
 and there are times when he must wish 
 it was a castle in Spain. 
 
 A fool and his money are soon petted. 
 
 « * « 
 
 It's to be hoped London's new woman 
 regiment will learn how to fall in with- 
 out falling out. 
 
 Judging by the war pictures, those 
 Highlanders are barely holding their 
 own. 
 
 Speaking of standpat sneers at 
 "Schoolmaster Wilson." here's an ut- 
 terance of Lord Brougham's that is 
 rather apropos just now : "The School- 
 master is abroad ! And I trust to him, 
 armed with his primer, against the sol- 
 dier in full military array." 
 
 The Irish have no corner on bulls. 
 Mr. Vladimir Tchertkoflf writes the 
 New York Times that he was Tolstoi's 
 literary representative during his life- 
 time, and was "instructeil by him to 
 edit and publish all his posthumous 
 writings." 
 
 Rumored that the British censor is 
 seriously considering the advisability 
 
 of admitting the loss of the Serapis. 
 
 * » « 
 
 Chicago professor says there are six 
 races in Colonel Roosevelt. The other 
 four, we suppose, are 1916, 1920. 1924 
 and 192S. 
 
 Isn't there some way to revoke Wil- 
 liam Watson's poetic license? 
 
 Sea food comes high at Newport 
 when one Fish ball costs $60,000. 
 
 It seems to be pretty generally cou- 
 cetled that the slits made bud wiser. 
 
 The course of true currency reform 
 ought to run smooth, there being banks 
 on either side. 
 
 The egg is still the autocrat of the 
 breakfast table. 
 
 We presume that old Rockefeller ap- 
 proves of Indian summer, if for no 
 other reason than that it keeps his 
 wigwam. 
 
 You rarely hear an aviator boasting 
 
 of his descent. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Delaware prison styles this year ai'e 
 running largely to stripes. 
 
 Mary Garden admits that she likes a 
 highball. Mary may take a drop, but 
 not a stitch. 
 
 If the churches are so strong for uni- 
 versal peace, why don't they give up 
 their canons? 
 
 It takes nine tailors to make a man, 
 but it has been our observation, not to 
 say experience, that one can break him 
 
 with neatness and dispatch. 
 
 * * * 
 
 There was sold in New York the 
 other day a letter of Charlotte Corday, 
 written just before she went to Paris 
 to stab Marat, in which she told her 
 father that she was going to England. 
 This is one of the tirst Charlotte ruses 
 on record. 
 
 Queen Mary has limited all the court 
 debutantes to a one-inch neck exposure. 
 Wouldn't it be awful if a fugitive 
 giraffe should ramble into that sissy 
 court ? 
 
 "Will Italy show her hand?" asks the 
 Tampa Tribune. But the real question 
 is. will Italy show her fist? 
 
 Everybody has 
 cash. 
 
 a soft spot for hard 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 69 
 
 Watsons rush in where Kiplings have 
 
 better sense than to tread. 
 
 » « » 
 
 "Roosevelt saj-s he'll quit talking," 
 which will leave the country with only 
 one Long Island sound. 
 
 Uncle Sam has a New Mexico, but 
 what he wants to see is a new Mexico. 
 
 I'ublisher who advertises "Russian 
 Fairy Tales" as "suitable for juvenile 
 reading," nuist not have heard that 
 millions of adults have been reading 
 'em for the last four months. 
 
 "Made-in-Germany" — Belgium's fam- 
 ine. 
 
 Hindu scientist says that plants are 
 nei-vous. Especially manufacturing 
 
 plants. 
 
 # # # 
 
 Seems paradoxical, how matters go 
 HI with doctors when everything is 
 well. 
 
 Harvard dr()i)S Washington and .Jef- 
 ferson from her 1015 football schedule. 
 The Postum ad. man said it. 
 
 The United States is bounded on the 
 East by the Atlantic, on the West by 
 the Pacific, on the North by mobiliza- 
 tion, and on the South by hell. 
 
 The judgment of Paris is likely to do 
 Mr. Herrick about as much good as the 
 late Mme. Juno. 
 
 "America Sends More War Supplies 
 to Allies." — Any headline. And the 
 jingling of the guinea helps the hurt 
 that neutrality feels. 
 
 Plenty of good Indians in France ! 
 
 A whole lot of shabbiness comes from 
 neat whiskey. 
 
 Lives of great Turks all remind us 
 We can make our lives worth men- 
 tion ; 
 
 And. departing, leave behind us 
 Nineteen widows and a pension. 
 
 The safe-and-sane-Fourth movement 
 received a severe jolt when Nat Good- 
 win and DeWolf Hopper each took a 
 fifth. 
 
 War news is getting to be a war 
 nuisance. 
 
 We always look for chaste and classi- 
 cal English from Tarheelia, and we see 
 in the Congressional Record that Sen- 
 ator Simmons maintains the high aver- 
 age with this Addisonian gem: "This 
 bill does the very thing that I then said 
 if it were done I would be in favor of 
 
 free lumber." 
 
 « « « 
 
 If the Chicago Aero Club succeeds 
 in its plan to prevent aviation fatali- 
 ties, it will be a big feat, even for Chi- 
 cago. 
 
 In the I'hilippines, when a friend 
 takes his departure he rubs his hand 
 over your face. Over here, he merely 
 touches you. 
 
 Slit skirts, like Thanksgiving tur- 
 keys, show a good deal more white 
 meat than dressing. 
 
 Most fellows' heads take a turn for 
 the woi'se when there's a slit skirt or 
 a silhouette gown in the vicinity. 
 
 Can it be becoming Marryland, My 
 Mari-yland? A Baltimore woman has 
 applied for her seventh divorce. 
 
 Secretary Daniels says drinking 
 won't go in the navy, indicating that 
 he intends to abolish Davy Jones' 
 locker. 
 
 China claims to have turned out the 
 first phonograph, but if we remember 
 aright, Adam beat her to it. 
 
 "The modern skirt is certainly a 
 scream," according to a contemporary. 
 Sort of whoop skirt, eh? 
 
 Secretary Bryan's lecture tour should 
 by all means include Coin, Kans., Du- 
 cat, Va., Monie, Md.. and Cashtown 
 and Bullion, Pa. 
 
 Speed the day when there will be 
 a . to a Japanese ? 
 
 "Jim" Coffey got only a draw with 
 Flynn, so there are evidently no 
 grounds to his championship aspira- 
 tions. 
 
70 
 
 r(^/:.]/s .i.v/> rAiiAii/i\[riis 
 
 Tho most numorous of jail-binls. ono 
 ima.uinos. aro larks, bats, aiul swallows. 
 
 \arious hard thin.us havo luvii said 
 about tho olooks tho.v woar on thoir 
 stookinsjs. bvit it nwist bo aihnittod tho.v 
 aro sirikin.c. 
 
 Sinoo Chrlstabol rankhmst loft Lou- 
 don, things thoio aro si> qniot that ouo 
 oau almost hoar an "h" drop. 
 
 An o\ohan.co says that "rrosidont 
 Wilson is hansiins; tho U>bbyists on his 
 'jribbot of shanio' " -C\apitol pnnish- 
 mont. as it woro. 
 
 'ri\o tirst Mo\ioat\ rovolutionist in- 
 vontiHl porpotnal motion. 
 
 Whon in doubt, tho avora.co jury in 
 a oorporaiion oaso usually falls baok 
 on that irrand old Latin athuonition, 
 "Soo ot tuum." 
 
 Wo(Hh\nv Wilson is a ixood spoakor, 
 but lloury l.auo Is bottor still. 
 
 V'roo I hinkors — baoholors. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Villa shoots his oaptivos instoad of 
 hancinj: thom, but that's no si.cn ho 
 doosn't ki\ow tho ropos. 
 
 A Fronoh monarohlst has loft Kins 
 Alfoi\so $rHH>.tHH>. ami ho'U mvd ovory 
 ivut of U for uurso hiro tho way friouil 
 wifo Is hittlui; In tho Stork l.oajruo. 
 
 (.\>lomhia's Trosidout says ho trusts 
 Wilson's ways. Colombia may romom- 
 bor that Trosidont Koosovolt also had 
 takiusr ways. 
 
 Kuapsaoks pillows. 
 
 In ailoptinc: tho kjiniraroo as its otli- 
 olal omblom. Australia oortainly cot tho 
 Jump on tho rost of us 1 
 
 Thoro nro thiusrs that tho palofa^v 
 brotl\or oau toaoh poor l.o. but tho wis- 
 dom of rtiVumulattHi asxos appoars in 
 his provorb: "A squaw's touiruo runs 
 fastor than tho wii\tl's lojxs." 
 
 Tho rrosidont says this Oousrivss has 
 sorvtHi tho pooplo "as thoy havo novor 
 boon sorvoii boforo." Wo oortainly ad- 
 miiv WiHMirow's frauknoss. 
 
 (.\)lonol lioosovolt stronuously Insists 
 that ho is tho fathor of wators. 
 
 l>ritish oonsorship prosnmably bo- 
 lou,u.s to tho I'anard l.ino. 
 
 T. 1{. Is outolassod at last, "'rhe 
 rosidouts of a «.Uu-man town." says the 
 Houston Tost, "aro building a lifo size 
 statuo of ouo of tl\oir oiti/.ons wlio won 
 fa mo as an oxpU>ror mount oil on a 
 oamol onliroly of briok." 
 
 Wo aro almost boginnlnsr to lovo Wil- 
 holm for tho paragraphs ho has mailo. 
 
 'I'horo's still nothing in a nanio. 
 Ohrisiian i-onnty. Ivontuoky. votod 
 "wot" and Innirbon oounty "dry." 
 
 -V brand now orop of horoos sprouts 
 up almost ovory day and loudly ouss 
 tho Ivaisor (who's ;{.(HH> milos awayL 
 
 Thoso Sonogal soldiors aro oxpootod 
 to mako tho war moro wild and wooly 
 than ovor. 
 
 Truth, orushod lo oarth. still has tho 
 cvnsor sitting on hor hoad. 
 
 Tho most possimistio noto of all is 
 soundiHl by Tho l.itorary Pigost, whioli 
 opinos that "tho iJorman iioots aro 
 probably not ivUo." 
 
 Knssia is apt to lind a pin in tho 
 (.>ttomai\. 
 
 A quart or to ono tipping a rullmau 
 VHU'tor. 
 
 Not tho loast of war's humors is a 
 Now York nowspapor stornly robxiking 
 
 Fronoh in\n\orality. 
 
 • « * 
 
 Ilowovor, thoro may bo worso mou 
 in this world thai\ IVnivso. Think 
 what a big world it is. 
 
 Tho (.unman advauvv on Paris still 
 proovHHis stoadily by way of tlio Suez 
 oanal. 
 
 c>no of tho most irritating sights in 
 a world ohuok f\»ll of i. s. is a protty 
 girl wasting a tlook of porftvtly gootl 
 kisses on another woman. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT (U)NZALES 
 
 71 
 
 The Ilosporus appears (o luivc joiuod 
 tlu' carly-closiiif; uiovimiumiI. 
 
 "kiafclij I'iisl." 
 (l)isp!i((.-li lo tlu> Now York lOvtMiiiij; 
 Sun.) 
 Ou(» (JcriuMU banker in South Lou- 
 don, \vlu)so UMiuo was "Sflunidt," 
 promptly oluin)j;o(l it to "Smith." 
 
 Lati'st Kussian chock will l)o In- 
 dorsoci in r.orlin. 
 
 A Now Movioo aslr«>nouuM- has dis- 
 coverod a now ooniot. And thorohy 
 hangs a tail. 
 
 Our notion of countor-irritants is 
 those hist-uiinuto Christmas shoi)pors. 
 
 Enijland's latost casimlty list rovoals 
 that tho Coldstream Ouartls got into 
 hot water. 
 
 We all like women to lay aside some- 
 thiujr for a rainy day, espeoially when 
 It's a pair of silk stoekings. 
 
 Military styles this year do not favor 
 the exposed Hank. 
 
 Whnt Europe needs in this country 
 Is some dumdum diplomats. 
 
 Bound in Russia — Austrian captives. 
 
 After all. the host side of politics is 
 the outside. 
 
 As we understand Sam Blythe, things 
 are so (pii(>t in London now that one 
 can almost hear an "h" drop. 
 
 Mexico has plenty of bull ruslics, 
 but no Moses as yet in sight. 
 
 In a tinal despiM-a to ell'ort at a tol- 
 erably new (piii) on von Klnck, we can't 
 find a blessed thing to say except the 
 feeble remark that he is the Nestor of 
 the German generals. 
 
 Presence of converted cruisers and 
 confirmed dispatches is peculiarly (it- 
 ting in a Christian war. 
 
 The only way doctors can got a nickel 
 out of some families is when one of 
 the kids swallow it. 
 
 X'irgiiiia paragraphors honcot'ortli 
 nnist stick to dry liumor. 
 
 War yarns, of course, tell about tiie 
 
 worsted. 
 
 * tt « 
 
 Hon. liillian Russell opines that there 
 is notliing lovelier than a lovtMy hand. 
 lOspecially when it reads from ace to 
 ton, Ld., old girl. 
 
 Egypt, which the Turks plan to in- 
 vade, is celebrated for its i)yramitls 
 and tlie elligy of Tom Marshall. 
 
 And while on tho general subject of 
 "kultur," who built and nnis three- 
 I'ourtlis of American distilleries and 
 breweries V 
 
 Says the Boston Transcript: "Tho 
 (Jermans are I'etreating in I'Mandors, 
 saddcM- l)ut Y-ser." Namur o' that, Hal, 
 an' tliou lovost mo! 
 
 And you can just bet old Omar 
 wouldn't have extolled a book of versos 
 underneath the bough if they had boon 
 war ver.ses. 
 
 Another noteworthy and gratifying 
 feature of tlie war, from the l']nglish 
 l)()int of view, is tlie way it lias taken 
 tlie ire out of Ireland. 
 
 Tho great and good man who in- 
 vented the high car step did more for 
 the uplift than all tho reformers from 
 
 Looey Hrandois down. 
 
 # ♦ » 
 
 "Bro. Bryan — Pax vobiscum. 
 "Bro. Wilson — Tax vobiscum." 
 
 — St. Louis (.lobe-Democrat. 
 To which Old Colonel (Jobbler would 
 moiirnfully add : 
 
 Bro. Farmer — Axo vobiscum. 
 
 If it were a case of tho survival of 
 the fattest, C.ermany's landsturm would 
 win a walk. 
 
 What shall we name the latest alli- 
 ance — Turkultur? 
 
 We are expecting almost any day 
 now to hear that in a final desperate 
 attempt to recapture the front page, 
 Colonel Roosevelt has promised to 
 walk a tight-ropo over Niagara Falls. 
 
72 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 How would it do to call King George 
 the Sikli man of Europe? 
 
 We suppose that movie film of the 
 battle of the Marne that we saw a few 
 days ago was perfectly all right and 
 authentic, though it must be admitted 
 that a suspicious mind might have won- 
 dered what that background sign : 
 "M. J. Kelly, Wines and Liquors," was 
 doing there. 
 
 From present prospects, the referee 
 will have to decide this war on points. 
 
 At any rate, Ireland hasn't .shut off 
 the export of coppers to this country. 
 
 One would have thought the Young 
 Turks were old enough to know better. 
 
 Oklahoma has a Boise City, but Phil- 
 adelphia seems to be the Boies city. 
 
 It takes no label to tell that Colum- 
 bia's star-eyed angels were "Made in 
 Dixie." 
 
 Looks as if history will have to be 
 content with only one William the 
 Conqueror. 
 
 Virginia and Kentucky have stamped 
 out the bourbonic plague. 
 
 Zeppelins waiting for London fogs 
 must be ignorant that Parliament has 
 just been prorogued. 
 
 Zapata, we take it, is Villa's chief 
 
 lootenant. 
 
 « • • 
 
 The United States Tire Company — 
 Ridder and von Bernstoff. 
 
 Would it be all right to speak of 
 Boston's first lady oflicer as a prom- 
 inent clubwoman? 
 
 New French guarantees: Life, lib- 
 erty, and the pursuit of Wilhelm. 
 
 It must be admitted that the dear 
 old Yankees are bearing the South's 
 woes with heroic and uncomplaining 
 fortitude. 
 
 The Uhlans who fled before an Irish 
 charge just couldn't stand Pat. 
 
 It seems high time for Austria to 
 issue a Lemon Paper. 
 
 A little church spire o'er the hill is 
 just a mark for Kaiser Bill. 
 
 Speaking of neutrality, doesn't sew- 
 ing for the Belgians show some bias? 
 
 Russia's ambition, we presume, is to 
 make it Bearlin. 
 
 England seems to have brought in 
 the black whole of Calcutta. 
 
 King Vic. of Italy is only five feet, 
 five inches — that's the sawed off man 
 he is. 
 
 Here are those wretched standpatters 
 still kicking about our Mexican policy. 
 Even Philander C. Knox. 
 
 Why not call it the vamoose party? 
 
 Davy Jones will soon need an extra 
 locker. 
 
 Well, Cannon was always a machine 
 
 The New York Herald correspondent 
 wln) proposes sending dried apples to 
 Belgium suggests one sure plan to 
 swell its population. 
 
 If the wages of sin is death, Europe 
 
 doesn't care when payday comes. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A Chicago pawnbroker advertises : 
 "I have cast off clothing of every de- 
 scription and invite your immediate 
 inspection." Looks like a job for 
 Com stock. 
 
 "Have You Seen 'A Pair of Silk 
 Stockings?'" Advertisement in a New 
 York exchange. If the query is ad- 
 dressed to us, we desire to say that we 
 are patiently waiting for the first rainy 
 day. 
 
 When the estimable Asheville Citi- 
 zen has apprised us how much is Nick 
 Longworth, will it be good enough to 
 say what makes Samuel G. Blythe? 
 
 We suppose that Secretary Daniels 
 makes his officers call it the Sublime 
 Lefte. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 73 
 
 Sometimes we sit and wonder what 
 is the age of discretion in Europe. 
 
 The German navy's motto looks to 
 be "Rile Britannia." 
 
 Edward Albert Christian George An- 
 drew Patrick David, Prince of Wales, 
 won't have to make a name for him- 
 self. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 Petrograd reports the Austrians 
 driven back to their trenches. Another 
 case of running things into the ground. 
 
 "Germany," says a Baltimore Sun 
 correspondent, "is the salt of the 
 earth." Well, Belgium must be the red 
 pepper. 
 
 When this cruel war is over, we are 
 willing to take the Petrograd man and 
 match him against Doc Oook for $500 
 a side. 
 
 "I haven't a thing to say about any- 
 thing." — Colonel Roosevelt. Which 
 means, as usual, about four columns 
 tomorrow. 
 
 Old King Coal is a 
 soul. 
 
 grasping old 
 
 Songbird Maggie Teyte, who told all 
 the New York reporters on arriving 
 that the Uhlans got her trousers, cer- 
 tainly pants for fame. 
 
 As we understand the situation, to 
 win an Iron Cross you must make 
 
 work for the Red Cross. 
 « # « 
 Germany might have got her "place 
 in the sun" before this if the world 
 hadn't given Great Britain so much 
 latitude. 
 
 "Britain's Monarch Opens Parlia- 
 ment." Well, kings are excellent open- 
 ers. 
 
 Belgium should discard the lion as 
 its national emblem and adopt the 
 goat. 
 
 Charging soldiers might call a Max- 
 im the ancient mariner, since it stop- 
 peth one of three. 
 
 There has been no reason for any 
 Hungarian rhapsody m this war. 
 
 One thing sure, when the suffs win 
 the whole country, there won't be any 
 more silent vote. 
 
 The elephant is a most appropriate 
 emblem for the G. O. P., it having so 
 much ivory in its head. 
 
 Probably those Kurds have it figured 
 out that where there's a will, there's a 
 whey. 
 
 Don't cheer too soon — the Theodore 
 just elected president of Haiti wasn't 
 that one. 
 
 If the prodigal son could come back 
 nowadays, he'd probably find the old 
 man a strict vegetarian. 
 
 As we understand Secretary Garri- 
 son, we need a mobile army as large as 
 our automobile army. 
 
 Joe Cannon was born in North Caro- 
 lina, and the queer part is that it 
 wasn't in Buncombe, either. 
 
 Some scientist has testified that the 
 woi'ld produces about ten babies to a 
 pulse beat. Be still, fond heart ! 
 
 Pancho Villa has demonstrated 
 among other things that an ounce of 
 intuition is worth a pound of tuition. 
 
 "Jam to hear Roosevelt," says the 
 Washington Star ; but why this slight 
 to Messrs. Pickle and Preserve? 
 
 Oh, no ; Sidney Lanier's "The 
 Marshes of Glynn" is not an allusion 
 to the reorganization bog New York's 
 executive is floundering in. 
 
 Cap'n Hobson. as we understand it, 
 is still busy giving out dry facts. 
 
 Divorce Item. 
 A fool and his honey are soon parted. 
 
 After a hurried perusal of Col. 
 Hearst's newspapers, we do not judge 
 that wise Woody's watchful waiting 
 wins with wily AVillie. 
 
74 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 One result of this war may be that 
 "divine riglit" will be left. 
 
 One finds it hard to blame the lino- 
 typer who speaks of "New Haven 
 stuckholders." 
 
 Some of the suffs are such man- 
 haters they won't even laugh "He ! he ! 
 he!" 
 
 The Philadelphia Record says it 
 doesn't pay a man to lead a double life. 
 It pays his lawyers, all right. 
 
 "Chinese immigrants to pay head- 
 tax," says a Canadian exchange. 2 1-2 
 cents a queue? 
 
 T. R. is a grandfather again — and a 
 great grandfather, too ! 
 
 This "good roads movement" one 
 hears so much of evidently doesn't in- 
 clude the New Haven. 
 
 "Why should anybody want to Seat- 
 tle when they can see Wilmington?" 
 complains The Star. "Sh-h-h! They 
 want to Seattle, Wash. 
 
 We suppose that Chicago's singing 
 dog is especially strong on barcarolles. 
 
 Quite the most paradoxical fashion 
 note we've observed lately is the one 
 which gravely announces that "bustles 
 are before us." 
 
 Everybody does not think the Col- 
 onel attractive, but Colombia is willing 
 to admit his taking ways. 
 
 The newspapers are printing group 
 pictures of the children of Belgium's 
 king — Brussels sprouts, so to speak. 
 
 Where there is a Wilson there is a 
 way. 
 
 Puts One Over on Us. 
 In one thing, as this here rime shows, 
 
 The baby's got us beat ; 
 He nibbles at his little toes. 
 
 And thus makes both ends meet. 
 
 The Danube seems to be fated to be 
 polychromatic. In poetry, it is "blue ;" 
 in fact, it is yellow ; politically, it 
 seems fated to be red. 
 
 The man who is persuaded to go out 
 on a lark that becomes a bat, finds 
 out too late that he was a gull. 
 
 Louisiana and Miss Democracy. 
 The rose is red. 
 
 The violet's blue. 
 Sugar is sweet — 
 
 But not on you ! 
 
 Advices from Ulster, Austria, Servia, 
 Haiti and Santo Domingo indicate that 
 the dove has been pigeon-holed. 
 
 Cuba gives her prominent criminals 
 long terms in jail, thus proving her 
 utter undeservedness to enjoy the 
 blessings of civilization. 
 
 Some Heart! 
 (From the Kansas City Independent.) 
 His heart is of gold, pure 14-karat 
 gold, all wool and a yard wide. 
 
 Some Current Fiction. 
 "My distinguished opiionent." 
 "Our esteemed contemporary." 
 "Tlie eminent counsel for the de- 
 fense." 
 
 "Desirous of strengthening the ties 
 between our two great nations." 
 
 "The gifted speaker who has just 
 preceded me." 
 
 "The Honorable ." 
 
 "Your loving son-in-law." 
 "This intelligent audience." 
 
 Apprehensive Londoners may not 
 see any Zeppelins, but they will learn 
 a lot about astronomy. 
 
 Wheat States easily discern the 
 European war cloud's silver lining. 
 
 Spain's court physician might call 
 his income a fresh neir fund. 
 
 England certainly seems to have the 
 art of taxation down to a tea. 
 
 Dust man is, of course, but a lot of 
 grit mvist have got into King Albert's 
 makeup. 
 
 Those Fort Bliss refugees should be 
 thankful that after being washed they 
 weren't ironed. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 75 
 
 Seeing is believing, but nowadays 
 reading always isn't. 
 
 The esteemed Washington Star says 
 that "whatever Roosevelt says goes." 
 Ti-ue; into one ear and out of the 
 
 other. 
 
 * * # 
 
 And far be it from us to suggest that 
 because Senator Lewis is a native Vir- 
 ginian he's a Smithtield Ham. 
 
 The Bishop of London has enlisted 
 in the infantry. English canons, of 
 course, will gravitate toward the artil- 
 lery. 
 
 Villa is now resting. However, tak- 
 ing life easy should come natural to 
 him. 
 
 It is evidently Ulster that put the 
 ire in Ireland. 
 
 The Pankhurst revision : One good 
 burn deserves another. 
 
 The treasury's merry Mac took a 
 long time getting his monitor. 
 
 One of the most dismal sights in this 
 world is a pair of silk stockings on a 
 clothes line. 
 
 And did you notice what a militant 
 
 defense Haelen and Nancy put up? 
 
 * * * 
 Waterproofs — Tarheels. 
 
 John D. thinks the coronation of Per- 
 sia's young Shah a great fake, as he 
 wasn't anointed with oil. 
 
 You never can tell about a name. At 
 school little Percy generally licks the 
 
 stuffing out of little Pete. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Atlantic ocean is to the United 
 States what Theodore Roosevelt is to 
 the Democi-atic party. 
 
 Luke Lea has the mumps, but Jim 
 Ham Lewis remains the Senate's real 
 swell. 
 
 "Col. Maus talks on Mexico." says a 
 Brooklyn exchange. But Col. Mauser's 
 remarks continue to command much 
 more attention. 
 
 "Roosevelt to Testify in Union Suit." 
 — Headline. Colonel ! Colonel ! 
 
 "Navy replaces booze with grape- 
 juice," reads a headline. The welch- 
 ers ! 
 
 The Mayor of Buenos Ayres has sent 
 a llama to Mr. Bryan. Tthanks ! 
 
 It takes more than a drought to hurt 
 the wild oats crop. 
 
 Probably if Christopher Columbus 
 had known that Mexico was on this 
 continent he'd have turned back in 
 mid-ocean. 
 
 It must be conceded that pawnshops 
 have their redeeming features. 
 
 However, Britannia doesn't rule the 
 marcel waves. 
 
 There is no doubt about the fact 
 that the North loves the negro — until 
 he moves up there. 
 
 If Holland enters the war, will El- 
 der Caine graciously inform us what 
 will the Zuyder Zee? 
 
 War tax exempts all rolling stock 
 but cigarette papers. 
 
 New Haven suits, we presume, are 
 crash. 
 
 And Europe is still sending mission- 
 aries to the poor heathen ! 
 
 It should come natiirally for Frnnce's 
 colored troops to double-quick after 
 the drumsticks. 
 
 "A woman's heart is a savings bank," 
 says the Baltimore Sun. Her tongue, 
 we presume, is the teller. 
 
 Even the candidate who doesn't hesi- 
 tate can do the douDle shuffle. 
 
 Judging by those harem stories, 
 there's very little dressing in Turkey. 
 
 Mediate has come to mean the oppo- 
 site of immediate. 
 
 "The flag signifies just strength." 
 says the President. But not spirit, 
 says Daniels. Choose your English. 
 
76 
 
 POP:.]fS A\D PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A fellow naturally fools onisty after 
 a bun. 
 
 ^Vlult's tlio tradoniark of ox-Mayor 
 Fitzsiorald's. of Koston. olothin,;; store 
 —"Honey tits?" 
 
 Anyway, the prioe of soap hasn't 
 soared. There'll he no hisih oost of 
 laving. 
 
 You may say this for a oollow town, 
 it's rarely as red as it has boon i)ainted. 
 
 Wo suppose the oliioial sxaiue of the 
 Mt^thors' (^\ni,i;ross is oribbaijo. 
 
 IamuIou is irhul to note that those 
 /ieppolin envelopes are stationary. 
 
 However, New Euirland's partiality 
 for the oolorod brother is natural 
 enough, the pious Yankee slaver being 
 the tirst to introduee hin\ to our fair 
 country. 
 
 If the subnmrine is a shark, as an 
 oxohange puts it. could you call a 
 dreadnought a shell-lish? 
 
 The Kockofellor food ship has ar- 
 rived, and all lU>lgiuui is singing. "How 
 firm a Fouutlatimi !" 
 
 ^Vondor what Yale will call its now 
 gridiron— the Elisian tields? 
 
 Indications are that the Allies are 
 going to be Turkey gobblers. 
 
 Those Harvard Ciermaniacs couldn't 
 talk more if it were a pollytechnic 
 school. 
 
 It must surprise the tactful Dr. 
 Bernhard Dernburg immensely that a 
 wave of pro-(iormai\ sympathy did not 
 sweep the South as soon as he an- 
 nounced that his country sent ITo.OOO 
 men to fight for the I'Uiou. 
 
 We suppose that Xat Cioodwin's auto- 
 biography is a sort of scrap book. 
 
 » * * 
 
 Turkey, of course, furnishes the 
 wings In the Eastern theatre of war. 
 
 Whatsoever a man sowoth. that also 
 shall he rip. 
 
 While Washington is sanguuio, Mex- 
 ico is sanguinary. 
 
 A suiuiy disposition, even when cou- 
 pled with few brains, will often get a 
 man a whole lot further in this world 
 than a thinking-machine with a grouch. 
 
 Latest parlor magic stunt of the 
 Allies is making Turkey quail. 
 
 Though Ciormany can't get any more 
 llabaua cigars, she evidently likes the 
 I'urkish to back 'or. 
 
 Well, errand l>uko Nick appears to 
 have made it middle-hole-game, as we 
 marble tiends used to say. 
 
 Britain's tax on tea is calculated to 
 uuike the cup that cheers groan. 
 
 We suppose the blue laws brethren 
 will soon be insisting that the confiv- 
 tions change their name to nut mon- 
 daes. 
 
 South Carolina was anticipated 
 many hundreds of years ago, according 
 to the tale of Prince Kamar al-Zaman 
 in the esteemed Arabian Nights. 
 
 Of that dignitary, we are told that 
 "as soon as he became king, he re^ 
 mitted the customs-dues and released 
 all men who remained in gaol." 
 
 And it is named "El Imparcial." 
 
 Almost every young follow knows a 
 peach who is the apple o<"" his eye. 
 
 Some persons are so eccentric that 
 
 they actually buy their umbrellas. 
 • * » 
 Our idea of the acme of human wis- 
 dom is laughing like thunder wheJi 
 the boss tells a joke. 
 
 Fearful tragedy at the Capitol! Nine 
 lives lost ! ! The Senate's cat fell dinvn 
 the elevator shaft ! ! ! 
 
 China is said to bo showing her tooth 
 to Kussia. Inspection, however, fails 
 to reveal oven a Wu-tingfang. 
 
 If the militant who out his portrait 
 gets a Henry James sentence, she's be 
 in for life. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 77 
 
 In this country suffrasism is an 
 avocation. In England it is a pursuit. 
 
 Conjxress luis made it u crime to 
 Impersonate a meml)er. To imperson- 
 ate some ("on.ijfressmeu should l)e cause 
 for a lunacy inquiry. 
 
 We have never heeu quite able to 
 
 understand why the Mecklenhurs 
 
 Declaration celebration isn't held on 
 April 1. 
 
 Kinjx (»eori:e's speech from the 
 throne will easily rank as one of 
 Mary's best literary efforts. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Those Pankhursts literally hunger 
 for fame. 
 
 All we ask of Maj. J. L. Sims is to 
 be half as sood a Marshal for Uncle 
 feam as he has been an editor. 
 
 Have all those smelters down there 
 anythini: to do with Mexico's beinj: in 
 such bad odor? 
 
 London suffragists who chained 
 themselves to I'hairs have sjicceeded in 
 Inverting the proverb that "Love 
 laughs at locksmiths." 
 
 Other l.aiKfs 'Vhau Ours — A'o. •'». 
 Hawaii is. our cycU)pedia teaches. 
 A moonlit realm of silver-sanded 
 
 beaches 
 Where languid love-lipped, night- 
 eyed beauties prance 
 To nuisic in that bnla-lnda dance. 
 
 Oh, You MarshaU. 
 (From the Laurinbnrg (N. C.) Ex- 
 change.) 
 Marshall Threadgill should have 
 the prize for riding the girls about, he 
 having come through town recently 
 with nine on one H. M. T. buggy. 
 
 One of the most unhapp.v compari- 
 sons we've come across recently is an 
 admirer's reference to Jim Ham Lewis' 
 wit as "Shavian." 
 
 The investigation of the Carlisle In- 
 dian school will doubtless bring out the 
 fact that it has one of the best back- 
 fields in the country. 
 
 Meat prices being what they are, let 
 the wolf beware how close he comes to 
 
 the door ! 
 
 * • * 
 
 An English archaeologist says that 
 Nero did not burn Rome. Fiddle- 
 sticks ! 
 
 "Schoolgirl Invents New Curve." 
 Is the baseball to become woman's 
 sphere? 
 
 Oscar Underwood actually couldn't 
 be any more contemptuous of Cap'n 
 Mobson if he were a barber discussing 
 safety razors. 
 
 It might help some if the women 
 would devote less thought to sweeping 
 the country and more to sweeping the 
 front porches. 
 
 The enthusiastic suffragette who 
 calls Mrs. Pankhurst a "matchless 
 woman" is apparently not posted on 
 recent London lire statistics. 
 
 Our touring big leaguers are booked 
 to play in Home, where, you will re- 
 member, Brutus and Cassius; intro- 
 duced the hit-and-run play. 
 
 We do not know Mr. T. B. Slick of 
 Clarion, Pa., registered at a New York 
 hotel, but we violate no confidence in 
 the statement that he has many rela- 
 tives iu South Carolina politics. 
 
 The mediators will do well to take 
 their overcoats to Niagara Falls. T. R. 
 has boils on his legs, Taft has bunions 
 on his toes, and Wilson has Congress 
 on his hands. 
 
 Some people are born Anani.ases. and 
 others rise up on their hind legs when- 
 ever opportunity otTers and charge the 
 daily newspapers with being controlled 
 by tlie cori)orate interests. 
 
 "The trousered lords are combobor- 
 ativel.v and conniptively flabbergasted." 
 — New York Sun. 
 
 After reading that, who could 
 blame them? 
 
 Pustleton. Pa., could scarcely be 
 calliNl a "forward-looknig" place sar- 
 torially speaking. 
 
T8 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "Something more is required nowa- 
 days to be a Congressman than to wear 
 a frock coat, a white tie, and to send 
 out garden seed." — Senator Kenyon. 
 
 Well, good sir, we'll bite. What more 
 
 is? 
 
 » « « 
 
 Despite Doc Elliot's contempt for the 
 Garden of Eden story, he can't say 
 Adam and Eve's sojourn there was 
 fruitless. 
 
 Our notion of zero in logic is a Way- 
 cross movie's advertisement of "an ab- 
 solutely moral show, having been 
 shown in New York 350 times." 
 
 "We are creating a cheap American 
 aristocracy," says Irving Bacheller. 
 Showing how much of an aristocrat he 
 is! Everybody knows that, whatever 
 else American aristocracy may be, it is 
 not to be had cheaply. 
 
 Senator Jones advocates a Parthenon 
 in Washington as a memorial to our 
 women. But wouldn't it be better to 
 call it a Marthenon? 
 
 Birds of a feather may roost apart 
 and scold at each other for a time, but 
 sooner or later they are bound to come 
 
 back to the same bough. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Mexico has not recognized the new 
 Peruvian government, regrettable cir- 
 cumstances at home having thus far 
 prevented it from recognizing its own. 
 
 In Savoyard's description of a noted 
 Kentuckian as "full of years and full 
 of honors," he seems to have omitted 
 something. 
 
 The Kurds are rising in Armenia, 
 but luckily the ferocious Klabbas show 
 no signs of taking the warpath. 
 
 The latest from Paris is the "sur- 
 prise gown." It must be about the 
 size of a postage stamp if it surprises 
 
 Paris. 
 
 • « * 
 
 Suspicion persists that the real ob- 
 ject of Queen Wilhelmina's calling an- 
 other peace congress at The Hague is 
 to tell the delegates the latest bright 
 sayings of little Princess Juliana. 
 
 We found the moving pictures of the 
 Haytian revolution very entertaining 
 and instructive, but General Zamor 
 looked suspiciously like the colored 
 hackman who drove us to our hotel 
 the last time we were in Tampa. 
 
 Yesterday's weather played havoc 
 with skirts a la mode. 
 
 One might, for the nonce, go almost 
 so far as to call 'em sleet-skirts. 
 
 W e often proffer humble thanks 
 
 We do not dwell among the Yanks ; 
 
 What boots a bit of snow and sleet? 
 It has their cussed weather beat. 
 
 The poor, downtrodden masses would 
 never know how downtrodden they are 
 if it were not for the patriotic politi- 
 cians. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The best way Mr. Carnegie could 
 spend his latest $2,000,000 for peace 
 would be to establish pensions for all 
 the Mexican warriors. 
 
 "I hear Spring voices calling," pro- 
 claims Frank L. Stanton. Take it from 
 us, Frank, they won't cost you as much 
 as the other kind. 
 
 Prince Albert, who will visit us next 
 year, will be readily remembered as 
 the young man who was named after 
 a. w. k. brand of tobacco. 
 
 Age will turn all newspapers yellow, 
 but a good many of them are born that 
 way. 
 
 Whoever called this the horseless age 
 failed to remember all those college 
 ponies. 
 
 Probably another reason Germany 
 dislikes us, as Covuit on Reventlow de- 
 clares, is that our army officers have 
 not yet advanced far enough in the 
 scale of civilization to cut down 
 crippled shoemakers. 
 
 A Philanthropist. 
 He loves to give his change away 
 
 Does generous Mr. Kales, 
 And every time he weighs, they say 
 
 He always tips to scales. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 79 
 
 Probably that Salem, Mass., fire 
 started at the witching hour. 
 
 Where have we heard those words 
 before? 
 
 "The Mexican war will not last 
 much longer." — Pancho Villa. 
 
 Now that the embargo has been 
 lifted you can easily guess tlie most 
 popular reb. command 
 
 "Order arms !" 
 
 « « « 
 
 If we correctly understand Secretary 
 Wilson, capital and labor should peace- 
 fully compromise their differences, 
 even if capital has to be knocked on 
 the head to do it. 
 
 If there's aught in a name, the Big 
 bipper is the leading tango artist of 
 the sidereal system. 
 
 Morgan's raiders of the '60's seem to 
 have had nothing on the New Haven 
 
 ones. 
 
 Senator Penrose intimates that the 
 flower of the Keystone Republicans 
 voted for him. 
 
 It should not have been difficult, in 
 the recent New York blizzard, for Ful- 
 ton street to keep warm, lying, as it 
 does, between John and Ann. 
 
 "Ex-King Manuel Likes the 
 'Movies.' " He has been one himself. 
 
 IVlurphy smiles and reflects that the 
 leaning tower of Pisa hasn't fallen yet, 
 citlier. 
 
 We see by the papers that George 
 Perkins, the well-known bullion moose, 
 has arrived at Oyster Bay. 
 
 If, as this astronomer says, the new 
 comet is merely a "hobo," it doubtless 
 steered clear of the dog-star. 
 
 Sometimes we sit and wonder just 
 what contemporary politician old Ten- 
 nyson was hitting at when he wrote 
 "The mighty wind arises, roaring sea- 
 ward." 
 
 Current coal bills convince us that 
 cold waves would more properly be 
 called breakers. 
 
 All you have to do is wear a pro- 
 digious wool hat and look wise, and a 
 whole lot of people in this State will 
 think you are the intellectual heir of 
 John C. Callioun. 
 
 Among the creatures queer we know, 
 
 The camel's not the least ; 
 His humps are always rising, though 
 
 He never uses yeast. 
 
 The Democratic tolls exemption plat- 
 form plank now looks no larger than 
 a splinter. 
 
 "Austrian Envoy Bitten by Dog; 
 May Have Babies." — Headline. One 
 can imagine no more melancholy re- 
 sult. 
 
 No one will deny, since Bob La Fol- 
 lette's last speech, that the Washing- 
 ton Post is more justified than ever in 
 running that "Great Trials of His- 
 tory" series. 
 
 Still another thing we admire about 
 Woodrow Wilson is that his won't 
 power is as fully developed as his will 
 power. 
 
 One readily comprehends why he is 
 called an Indian "brave" when one gets 
 a look at his squaw. 
 
 New York surgeons have made a 
 jaw from a rib. The first record of 
 this operation is in Genesis. 
 
 An Ohio Representative declares that 
 Congress is no place for an honest man. 
 Who told him so? 
 
 The old world wouldn't brag so much 
 about its fencers if it could see some 
 of our statesmen during a recess of 
 Congress. 
 
 Reorganizing the G. O. P. presents an 
 interesting problem in partial frac- 
 tions. 
 
 There doesn't seem to have been even 
 a little rift in the loot of the New 
 Haven. 
 
 Our idea of a pessimist is a man who 
 believes half the terrible predictions in 
 the Hearst papers. 
 
80 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Every pork-bar'l Congressman seems 
 to thing he's the colossus of roads. 
 
 Those Pass Christian caddies seem 
 to admire Woodrow Wilson almost as 
 much as if he were a leading south- 
 paw. 
 
 Well, anyway, Secretary Daniels 
 can't abolish Davy Jones's locker. 
 
 Dancing maxim (for the "Hesita- 
 tion") : 
 
 "He that dallies is a dastard, 
 He that doubts is damned." 
 
 "Let me but fill the graves of a coun- 
 try, and I care not who makes its 
 laws," murmured Paucho, as he lined 
 'em up against the adobe. 
 
 It is to be hoped the Wilsonian char- 
 iot of State is equipped with mud- 
 guards. 
 
 Villa has appointed an American 
 surgeon a general in his army— the 
 lancers, of course. 
 
 Taking the punch out of the navy 
 should put more into it. 
 
 What Belfast needs most is a few by 
 popular elections. 
 
 "The sunshine nowhere shines so bright 
 
 As in Charlotte, N. C." 
 
 Carols a Tarheel throstle in the Char- 
 lotte Observer. 
 Well, maybe so. At any rate, we are 
 
 certain that 
 
 The moonshine nowhere is so white 
 
 As in Asheville, N. C. 
 
 Well, Ferris ought to be able to 
 bring home the bacon. 
 
 Other relatives will get a show at 
 Kermit Roosevelt's wedding, as papa 
 will doubtless content himself with 
 performing the ceremony, giving away 
 the bride, acting as best man, and 
 throwing the old shoes. 
 
 The wild waves roar 
 
 On Jersey's shore. 
 But we shall sing of them no more; 
 
 Whene'er we nurse 
 
 A youngling verse 
 Joe Patton rises up to curse. 
 
 The New Orleans Picayune surmises 
 that by this time the Mexican seat of 
 war must be worn out ; still, let's hope 
 it'll last until peace can be patched up 
 
 on it. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Stanza One. 
 Flagon. 
 
 Stanza Two. 
 Jag on. 
 
 Stanza Three. 
 Wagon. 
 
 Sometimes we sit and wonder which 
 cold storage warehouse Columbus's egg 
 is in. 
 
 "Republicans Take in Women," ac- 
 cording to a Chicago exchange. They 
 used to take in the whole country. 
 
 In Real Life She Doesn't Mind it at All. 
 "The Mind-the-Paint Girl" is purely 
 a stage character. 
 
 A fellow is near perfection when he 
 is with a Columbia girl. 
 
 That the Cincinnati Reds have signed 
 "King" Lear is a winter's tale. 
 
 If John Lind were the head of a 
 trust, what a grand witness he would 
 make! 
 
 Rockefeller advises us to be familiar 
 with the Ril>le. Especially with the 
 passages where the kings are anointed 
 with oil. 
 
 Sometimes in our infrequent periods 
 of vanity, we can't help admiring the 
 magnificent and unfaltering courage 
 which impels us to sit and typewrite 
 withering insults at Victoriano Huerta. 
 
 Woodrow Wilson's position is diflS- 
 cult enough, but think of what a Mar- 
 tian President must go through with 
 when a canal tolls question arises ! 
 
 By voting against the opinion of a 
 newspaper, you know you are right if 
 you don't happen to have mind enough 
 to make up an opinion of your own. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 81 
 
 Parisiennes who are wearing leg- 
 muffs doubtless figure that beauty is 
 only shin deep. 
 
 Dr, Maurice Francis Egan, who is to 
 lecture in Eastern universities on 
 "Hymns," should by all means include 
 some College for Women. 
 
 The government will stop making 50- 
 cent pieces, but thank heaven, the 
 grand old parsons will keep on making 
 
 better halves. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Probably the real reason the kai.ser 
 chops wood is that the crown prince 
 made him laugh until he split. 
 
 The demagogue who professes to 
 hate the negro is guilty of rank in- 
 gratitude. But for the negro, a lot of 
 two-legged jackasses would never get 
 their lunch-hooks on the public pay- 
 roll. 
 
 One can hardly think of John Lind 
 breaking silence — he will pi-obably bend 
 it gently. 
 
 The worst way to sell a toilet article 
 to a woman is to recommend it as the 
 latest wrinkle. 
 
 Tom Hood must have dipped into the 
 future and seen 'Sephus when he wrote 
 in his Comic Annual of "a soda-water 
 sea." 
 
 Woodrow Wilson must chuckle when, 
 in his message to Congress, he pens a 
 sentence beginning, "If I dared, I 
 might venture to suggest." 
 
 Secretary Daniels is like a "dress 
 improver," in that he has caused a bus- 
 tle abaft the waist. 
 
 "Suffragists to Post Bills for the 
 Cause."— Headline. Please, ladies, 
 make ours a very little one ! 
 
 ('asual inspection of the well-known 
 sidewalks evidence that the evU that 
 men chew also lives after them. 
 
 Some newspapers' idea of a view- 
 point seems to be an exclamation 
 point. 
 
 Some politicians don't have to die in 
 order to lie in state. 
 
 Fashion anatomies : How is a ship- 
 wrecked lady in a slit skirt going to 
 
 board a breeches buoy? 
 « « « 
 The legislature, however, does not go 
 far enough. It should provide severe 
 punishment for any and all allusions to 
 
 (1) The dark ages. 
 
 (2) Montenegro. 
 
 (3) Local color. 
 
 This May Weather. 
 If we could only have our way 
 
 We'd quit our work in skawn. 
 And do through the livelong day 
 
 But yawn & yawn & yawn. 
 
 So far as we have been able to ascer- 
 tain, it is only in liquor profits that the 
 
 tiger gets the lion's share. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The navy had dry docks, however, 
 long before the reign of 'Sephus. 
 
 How the Sultan can spend $15,000,- 
 000 for a dreadnaught and at the same 
 time dress the harem in the style to 
 which it has been accustomed, is more 
 than we can fathom. 
 
 If there's anything in the reincarna- 
 tion theory. Professor Taft must once 
 have been Gurth the Saxon. 
 
 We trust the St. Louis Post-Dis- 
 patch's characterization of Champ 
 Clark as "the modern Achilles" is not 
 an intimation that he's a heeler. 
 
 Paviowa doesn't mind big bills ; she 
 foots them so easily. 
 
 Speaking of "books in the running 
 brooks," a whole lot of the modern fic- 
 tion output ought to be. 
 
 Bores, unlike banks, are never short 
 in their accounts. 
 
 "Heads, you lose," chuckled Villa 
 gaily, as he showed the Federal prison- 
 ers his new guillotine. 
 
 'Tis the day before Easter, and all 
 through the house such a trying of 
 bonnets on sister and spouse! 
 
82 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 What a fine man George Washington 
 might have been had his parents known 
 about eugenics ! 
 
 Dr. Eliot says the Eden story is a 
 jolie. A side-splitter on Adam, at any 
 
 rate! 
 
 * • • 
 
 Boston's new slogan, "0-0-0" was 
 doubtless adopted just after the town 
 finished its Christmas shopping. 
 
 Judge Speer is said to have made 
 Georgia lawyers his butts, and it looks 
 now as if they are going to make Judge 
 Speer the goat. 
 
 If she who hesitates is lost, is the 
 tangoess to be considered pretty safe? 
 
 A Cabotlodgecal speech seldom con- 
 vinces. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Modern fashions of women are not to 
 be taken seriously — they are extremely 
 
 figurative. 
 
 * * * 
 
 It's hard for Colombia to realize that 
 the saying "Honesty is the best policy" 
 originated with an American. 
 
 The simple subjunctive : Leonard 
 Wood. 
 
 Goes without saying — John Lind. 
 
 Want advertising — ^politicians. 
 
 Goethals evidently would rather be 
 the king of spades than the king of 
 
 clubs. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Considering that there are only Ten 
 Commandments to break, some men do 
 pretty well. 
 
 The State will print free of charge 
 the names of all jingo Congressmen 
 who volunteer for the war. 
 
 Greece seems to regret that she ever 
 took a shine to Italy. 
 
 You Bet. 
 It's a rare household where the bet- 
 ter half isn't the whole thing. 
 
 Photographs of Haytian rebel lead- 
 ers remind us of a box of chocolates. 
 
 Even without the b, bills would still 
 be ills. 
 
 "Dese sure am Mexicating times," 
 remarked the office porter, in blissful 
 ignorance that he had said something. 
 
 A friend in need is frequently a 
 friend snubbed. 
 
 The picture of health is usually in a 
 good frame of mind. 
 
 Mexican Congress gives no free 
 seeds, but Villa is doing a great deal 
 
 of planting. 
 
 * « * 
 
 James Bryce has been reduced to the 
 peerage. 
 
 It should be called the House of Mis- 
 hapsburg. 
 
 « « # 
 
 At present prices, a dollar to a 
 doughnut is almost an even money bet. 
 
 Still, the Colonel's silence does not 
 leave the bull moose band-wagon spoke- 
 less. 
 
 As we analyze the affair, the Bir- 
 mingham News and the Montgomery 
 Advertiser regard Cap'n Hobson as 
 about as useful as the ph in phthisis. 
 
 Prominent English aviators are 
 almost as unanimous in commending 
 'Frisco's globe-circling competition as 
 in positively refusing to enter it. 
 
 The esteemed New York Sun's car- 
 toon showing an octopus shinnying up 
 a telegraph pole luckily finds the Great 
 Naturalist several thousand miles 
 away. 
 
 Barking demagogues seldom bite. 
 
 Doesn't the millionaire who has mar- 
 ried a teelphone girl know she has 
 accepted rings from lots of other men? 
 
 Good men, as a rule, do a lot of loud 
 talking in politics and flunk ignomin- 
 iously when the time comes to act. 
 But the bad men stick together and 
 work like beavers, and the morning 
 after election the good men sit up with 
 a groan and wonder what hit 'em. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 83 
 
 By this time the legislature probably 
 agrees with Hon. Alexander Pope that 
 "Words are like leaves; and where 
 
 they most abound 
 Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely 
 
 found." 
 
 The Buffalo News says that the 
 Shadd-Roe nuptials have been solemn- 
 ized in Denver, but that sounds fishy. 
 
 And now the shoe trust is in the 
 courts. These are indeed the times 
 
 that try men's soles. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The pronouncement of a Harvard pro- 
 fessor that "man is sweetest when he 
 is angry" will be received with much 
 interest in Fijian social circles. 
 
 TJie Inspired Compositor. 
 (From the Kalamazoo Telegraph- 
 Press. ) 
 From the number of prominent wo- 
 men who are accused in crimes in dif- 
 ferent parts of the country w^e are led 
 to believe that Rudyard Kipling was 
 not so very far off when he said, "For 
 the female of the species is more deadly 
 
 than a mule." 
 
 # * * 
 
 In saving things for a rainy day, a 
 good many girls begin with silli stock- 
 ings. 
 
 Tut! Tut! 
 A modest man is Mr. Wrenn, 
 
 So much so it's distressing ; 
 He always blushes deeply when 
 
 He sees the salad dressing. 
 
 Foolish Questions. 
 Could you call a drunken plumber a 
 pied piper? Or dressmakers Daughters 
 of the Revelation? 
 
 On the Sea Islands. 
 
 "Scip," said the stranger, "how near 
 do you go to the rind when you eat a 
 melon ?" 
 
 "Well, boss, de ha'at ain' nutten to a 
 man like me, and w'en I gits troo de 
 seed I tek a breat' an' fin' my way troo 
 de color, whey'e red 'e sweet. Den I 
 scrape um a little an' drink de jooce. 
 Dat bring me whey de green biggin." 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 "Den, boss, if I is by myself I ain' 
 gwine lef much ob dat coolin' stuff; an' 
 ef any ob dese yer lazy triflin' niggers 
 is standin' round' ob cose I gits my 
 dander up an' finish de million." 
 
 It is, no doubt, too much to hope that 
 the statesmen who sneak down to the 
 front door at 6 a. m. to get the morn- 
 ing newspaper have resolved to swear 
 off their customary communications to 
 the editor, beginning, "My attention 
 has been called to a piece in your 
 paper," etc. 
 
 "Savannah's superiority to Atlanta in 
 a moral way." — Savannah Morning 
 News. The superiority of any city to 
 Atlanta in a moral way is so obvious as 
 
 to require no iteration. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Many of us have a nodding acquaint- 
 ance with Laureate Bridges' poems. 
 
 The Pessimist Says : 
 Knock, and the world knocks with 
 you. Boost, and you boost alone. 
 
 In declaring that Emerson is our 
 greatest poet, A. Noyes certainly does. 
 
 The chief idea in the attempts to 
 reform the tango is, of course, to put it 
 on a better footing. 
 
 Delaware's whipping of prisoners at 
 least teaches us tlie origin of the term 
 "common weal." 
 
 Settlement workers — bill collectors. 
 
 Postmastership is a noun that is sel- 
 dom declined. 
 
 Alabama contemporary calls Cap'n 
 Hobson "childish." Sort of Cap'n Kidd, 
 as it were, eh? 
 
 If a man who kills a him commits 
 homicide, if he kills a her does he com- 
 mit herpicide? 
 
 » • » 
 
 We trust that the ossified man now 
 on exhibition in Chester is not a hard- 
 ened sinner. 
 
 # » » 
 
 Wisconsin must provide reasonable 
 doctors' fees, or it will be the I. O. 
 eugenics law. 
 
84 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "There is a change coming," says Sec- 
 retary Bryan. We'd feel happier if he 
 had omitted the article. 
 
 Every now and then two women get 
 on the street car and don't have a long 
 argument over who'll pay the fare for 
 both. 
 
 The h. c. of 1. is still a-soaring. But 
 there is one consolation. The Buck- 
 wheat Trust hasn't yet shouted : 
 
 "Batter up !" 
 
 The Montgomery Times wants to 
 know if Underwood is getting any cam- 
 paign funds from Tom Ryan, and a 
 Hobson editor sternly declares that "no 
 Christian can vote for Oscar W. Under- 
 wood." One of the worst things about 
 politics is that it makes good and 
 otherwise sensible men say such fool 
 things. 
 
 We cordially indorse Franklin Roose- 
 velt's suggestion of a monument to de 
 Grasse. To neglect our manifest duty 
 to the memory of this great and good 
 man were to advertise ourselves as 
 shameless and monumental ingrates. 
 By the way, who was he? 
 
 Now that China has given Mr. Rock- 
 hill a fine job, Mr. Gaffney is talked 
 about in New York, and the cruiser 
 Chester is mentioned in the Vera Cruz 
 dispatches, Sumter, Orangeburg and 
 Florence wish that their namesakes, if 
 such there be, would snag a little bit of 
 limelight. 
 
 Some Northern society women are so 
 peculiar that they seem to be almost as 
 fond of the baby as of the poodle. 
 
 A big traffic squad is always neces- 
 sary on the way of the transgressor. 
 
 However, it is no news to George's 
 shade that Martha Washington had a 
 will of her own. 
 
 Something really ought to be done 
 about present-day fashions. Here's a 
 West Virginia paper announcing that 
 a lady attorney entered the court room, 
 "dressed in a smart hat and high- 
 heeled shoes." 
 
 New England lady who wants to 
 swap husbands with some damsel hints 
 at another angle of this woman's ex- 
 change business. 
 
 Speaking of mixed metaphors, hark 
 to the Atlanta Georgian. "And yet," 
 remarks that paper, "this is the Chinese 
 shoe which a browbeaten people are 
 allowing narrow officialdom to fasten 
 on the head of Atlanta." 
 
 Secretary Bryan did not attend the 
 New York premiere of "Omar Khay- 
 yam," therefore the line "Fill me with 
 the old, familiar juice" was not 
 
 encored. 
 
 » ♦ » 
 
 The Houston Post brags that the en- 
 tire national banking capitalization and 
 surplus of South Carolina is less than 
 a million more than that of Houston 
 alone, indicating that it got hold of one 
 of those 1881 reports. 
 
 "Can you give some important events 
 that occurred on Fridays?" — Houston 
 Post. 
 
 We did, for one. 
 
 The Richmond committee is en route 
 to Palmettodom, and the two Greenville 
 papers are out with frantic indorse- 
 ments of Richmond for the bank, but it 
 is of no use. Those thirsty Tarheels 
 didn't leave even a sip in their suit- 
 cases. 
 
 Russia is naturally doing the hesita- 
 tion. That is where all the Steppes are. 
 
 Judging by its slowness in Mexico, 
 the dove of peace must be a turtle dove. 
 
 Huerta says that Mexico is like a 
 snake. It may encourage the jingoes to 
 reflect that the Mexican flag depicts 
 an eagle holding a snake in its mouth. 
 
 Mr. Henry Ford is all right, but as 
 we remember our "Quo Vadis," the 
 lions in the Colosseum arena were the 
 first prophet-sharers. 
 
 President Wilson apparently wants 
 Big Business's contract with Uncle Sam 
 to include "love" and "honor" as well 
 as "obey." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 85 
 
 Robert Bridges, in a poetic eulogy of 
 Burns, says that he 
 "With Doi'ic rhyme erewhile 
 Taught English bards to mend their 
 
 style." 
 One would never imagine it, judging by 
 Mr. Bridges. 
 
 We suppose we had better inform the 
 Charlotte News that we feel the muse 
 a-stirriug and a-rampaging within us — 
 that is, if it isn't indigestion — and that 
 a chaste ode or two will probably turn 
 
 up this week. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Theodore Roosevelt has his own opin- 
 ion of an administration that is always 
 cutting out the muffler. 
 
 Vice-President Marshall cares not 
 who makes the laws of the nation, if 
 only he can make its epigrams. 
 
 Solomon had a big reputation for 
 wisdom, but he never had to decide 
 when to lay down two pair. 
 
 Still, just because Mr. Bryan travels 
 so much is absolutely no excuse for in- 
 sinuating that he is a Bill of fare. 
 
 You have noticed, we suppose, that 
 the small hours are usually chosen for 
 big times. 
 
 The Pankhurst girls may call Emme- 
 
 line "mummy," but she doesn't dry up. 
 
 « » » 
 
 A stitch in time would help many a 
 modern dauseuse. 
 
 Some men always keep their word 
 because nobody will take it. 
 
 "Use your siren in your car," invites 
 an advertisement. H'm ; how old is 
 she? 
 
 "Paddy" is strictly a masculine nick- 
 name, but it would suit a lot of women. 
 
 A man may be a durn fool, but if he 
 keeps his mouth shut most of the time 
 he is certain to accumulate a reputa- 
 tion as a profound philosopher. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Speaking of unconscious puns, Giff 
 Pinchot earnestly declares that "Pen- 
 rose is only the flower of a system." 
 
 An Astor baby by any other name 
 would cry as much. 
 
 Lillian Russell avers that "Every 
 woman feels better for a flake of pow- 
 der on her nose." A flake can't hurt, 
 Lill., but so many women seem to think 
 a snow-storm is necessary. 
 
 If Murphy is New York's man higher 
 up he's lying pretty low. 
 
 Now that it has turned down equal 
 suffrage, why not call it Mistersippi? 
 
 Love makes the world go round, but a 
 pint of North Ca'lina corn runs it close 
 in that line. 
 
 A Georgia Congressman has gone 
 home to attend the funeral of his old 
 "mammy." "Nigger-lover" ! Traitor to 
 the race ! 
 
 Congressman Curley, who has just 
 been elected mayor of Boston, began a 
 recent speech with these words : "Now 
 you pickpockets and crapshooters, I am 
 going to make myself heard if it takes 
 until 6 o'clock in the morning, when 
 you fellows are out at your occupation 
 of stealing milk." Only the accident 
 of birth deprived Mr. Curley of the cer- 
 tainty of winning great eminence in 
 South Carolina politics. 
 
 Gilbert and Sullivan Note. 
 Coincidently with the New York Hip- 
 podrome's revival of "Pinafore," the 
 White House Stock Co. announces the 
 immediate discontinuance of "Patience." 
 
 Boycotted iy Hon. Hermann Bidder. 
 French-fried potatoes. 
 
 " heels. 
 
 " leave. 
 
 " horns. 
 Paris green. 
 
 Should Be Good Baseball Totcns. 
 Pitcher, N. Y. 
 Slide, Tex. 
 Hitt, Mo. 
 Fanning, Kans. 
 Diamond, Ga. 
 Curve, Va. 
 
 Mary Garden has lost her wardrobe, 
 but that's nothing. 
 
86 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "German Emperor Issues Still An- 
 other Address." — Headline. 
 
 Hock der Geyser ! 
 
 What Heaux! 
 There was an old man of Bordeaux 
 Who said, "What! me fight? Neaux, 
 neaux ! 
 In the good old days I 
 Was a quite speedy guy, 
 But now I'm entirely too sleaux." 
 
 You can tell a college student by his 
 hat, and the ex-student by the fact that 
 he is afraid to wear one like it. 
 
 Knells. 
 The shrill blasts whistle 
 
 Through the trees, 
 And sound the knell 
 
 Of B. V. D.'s. 
 
 If the tie that binds the hyphenated 
 American is not cut it is not the fault 
 
 of Woodrow Wilson's caustic inferences. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Even SJcirts Are Higher. 
 The uplift has come into its own 
 these windy days. 
 
 This Colyiwi's Position. 
 Just now, Mr. President, Maxims 
 might help more than maxims. 
 
 Almost all of Secretary Bryan's pic- 
 tures are speaking likenesses. 
 
 Sounds Logical. 
 (From the Albany, N. Y. Argus.) 
 Almost every one who ever lived or 
 is living has died or will die. 
 
 Our information is that the Mexican 
 suffragettes, also, are rebelliously in- 
 clined. 
 
 Of "tongues in trees" the poet writ. 
 
 'Tis true, methiuks, for hark ! 
 Somewhere within those leafy woods 
 
 We heard the dogwood bark. 
 
 We wish our creditors' stationery 
 would discontinue its enveloping move- 
 ment. 
 
 "Let the calves grow," urges a Pitts- 
 burgh exchange. The male admonition 
 is rather, "Let the calves show." 
 
 Anyway, the Germans saw one Sep- 
 tember Marne. 
 
 Strong for Intervention. 
 War, W. Va. 
 Battle, La. 
 Scrap, Tex. 
 Kilgore, N. C. 
 Gore, Okla. 
 Slaughter, Tex. 
 Hearst, Cal. 
 
 Our Mr. Dooley Says : 
 "Aven tho' I'm an ould batch, Hin- 
 nissey, I'm wid ould S'iut Paul that 
 'It's betther', he sez, 'to marry', he sez, 
 'thin to rread Burrns,' he sez." 
 
 Marriage is about the only form of 
 punishment in which there is no com- 
 mutation for good behavior. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Horrors of War. 
 "Isn't It terrible," quoth Mrs. Mala- 
 prop, looking up from her morning 
 paper. "Here's an aeroplane dropping 
 bombs on them poor Parasites !" 
 
 Isn't It So? 
 Lives of demagogues remind us 
 
 We can make a din infernal. 
 And, departing, leave behind us 
 
 Four-inch headlines in the journal. 
 
 Liberia has proclaimed its neutrality. 
 This takes a tremendous weight off the 
 minds of the warring powers. 
 
 The Reverend Gentleman Gets the 
 Hook, 
 "Militants Bait a Bishop." — New 
 York Times. 
 
 We see that the United Fruit Com- 
 pany's ships have come under the star 
 spangled banana. 
 
 The more sugar goes up, the less 
 will go down. 
 
 "Buckwheat soars." Case of batter 
 up, eh? 
 
 Horrors ! 
 "Isn't it awful!" exclaimed Mrs. Mal- 
 aprop, "They tell me that the Swiss 
 have blockaded the Simpleton tunnel." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 87 
 
 Helps Some. 
 There's one good thing 
 
 About this war : 
 It cuts off news 
 
 Of Harry Thaw. 
 
 The Colonel is rushing home so fast 
 that one can almost see the whites of 
 his "I's." 
 
 The man who provided in his will 
 that his wife should get an extra hun- 
 dred thousand dollars on remarriage 
 may merely have been that sort of 
 vengeful person who is not willing to 
 carry his grouch to the grave. 
 
 Wc See a Lot of Sisters Who Do. 
 (Want ad. in Ohio State Journal.) 
 DO EASY, pleasant coloring work at 
 home. 
 
 A Prolific Coiv. 
 (From the Topfeka Journal.) 
 Full-blooded cows for sale, giving 
 milk, three tons of hay, a lot of chick- 
 ens and several stoves. 
 
 Too Much of a Good Thing. 
 And just when we thought these un- 
 derworld exposures were over, Etna 
 
 and Vesuvius had to break out ! 
 
 * « « 
 
 You Know the Kind. 
 Some guys talk big of gore they'll spill. 
 And blood they'll wade in to their 
 knees ; 
 But the recruiting sergeant will 
 Enlist naught but their sympathies. 
 
 Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
 fez. 
 
 Indications are that the meek don't 
 
 find much of Europe to inherit. 
 
 « « * 
 
 The Latest Revision. 
 Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
 sombrero. 
 
 In a Manner of Speaking. 
 Pi counters — Bars. 
 
 The world is growing better. Mary 
 Garden was recently observed in Paris 
 wearing an air of indifference. 
 
 Ex-Secretary of the Navy Tracey was 
 eighty-four years of age yesterday, and 
 proved it by an interview in which he 
 declared that it was a great mistake 
 not to recognize Huerta as President of 
 Mexico. 
 
 « « # 
 
 Some Republican editors, in announc- 
 ing that they will lay aside politics and 
 stand by the President in this emer- 
 gency, always try to make it appear 
 that their magnanimous declaration is 
 all the administration was waiting for. 
 
 Roosevelt stumped Maine. 
 Maine certainly reciprocated. 
 
 And 
 
 Russia may be winning pronounced 
 successes, but we can't pronounce' em! 
 
 Bernard Shaw says he doesn't smoke. 
 Probably prefers newspaper puffs. 
 
 Necessity, it appears, may also be the 
 
 mother of intervention. 
 
 * » * 
 
 The fighting man who captures an 
 Austrian or German officer usually 
 takes the count. 
 
 Mexicans and Texicans — all vexi- 
 cans. 
 
 Down in Maine — the G. O. P. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Tired ! 
 "Roosevelt has a chat with Perk!" 
 " settles down to work !" 
 
 " writes a hundred letters I" 
 
 " claims we are his debtors !" 
 
 " chops down thirty trees !" 
 
 " dines on ham and peas !" 
 
 " with some Moose con- 
 
 spires !" 
 " calls his foemen liars !" 
 
 tells his record fully!" 
 " shouts 'By George' and 
 
 'Bully !' " 
 " takes a country walk !" 
 
 " says he will not talk!" 
 
 " leaves The Outlook force!" 
 
 " is a little hoarse !" 
 
 " dons a Palm Beach suit!" 
 
 " whacks Elihu Root!" 
 
 " buys a black slouch hat !" 
 
 " this and Roosevelt that!" 
 
 Lord ! how awfully tired we are 
 Of headlines black concerning T. R. ! 
 
88 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Some call it "Wilson luck." The rest 
 of us know it for Wilson pluck. 
 
 Generous to a fault — The owner 
 thereof. 
 
 A Tcry Dear Subject. 
 Now that it's all over, did you notice 
 the unction with which the sweet girl 
 grad. commencement speakers de- 
 claimed, "God give us men"? 
 
 Bifds of Burgs. 
 Pigeonroost, Ky. 
 Lark, N. D. 
 Parrott, Ky. 
 Sparrow, Ky. 
 Swan, Texas. 
 Swallows, Ky 
 Wren, S. C. 
 Crow, W. Va. 
 Blue Jay, W. Va. 
 Nightingale, Ala. 
 Redbird, Neb. 
 
 Fatal Spots. 
 
 (From the Rector, Ark., Newsboy.) 
 
 John Doe climbed on the roof of his 
 
 house last week looking for a leak and 
 
 fell, sticking himself on the back porch. 
 
 While Harold Green was escorting 
 
 Miss Violet Wise from the church 
 
 social last Saturday night a savage dog 
 
 attacked them and bit Mr. Green 
 
 several times on the public square. 
 
 * * # 
 
 Safety First. 
 If a body meet a body 
 
 Who is full of rye, 
 Take a tip, and pass that body 
 Very quickly by. 
 
 More Everyday Whoppers. 
 
 "1 wouldn't marry the best man on 
 earth." 
 
 "Standing Room Only." 
 
 "Sorry, ma'am ; she's just gone out." 
 
 "I have not taken a drink for six 
 months." 
 
 "I dislike circuses myself, but you 
 know I have to take the children." 
 
 "At the solicitation of many friends 
 I hereby announce my candidacy." 
 
 "You can't believe much you see in 
 the newspapers." 
 
 "Positively No Smoking." 
 
 "Speed Limit 15 Miles an Hour." 
 
 Famous Simple Indicatives. 
 Job E. Hedges. 
 John D. Works. 
 William J. Burns. 
 Martin Dies. 
 William Dean Howells 
 John Burroughs. 
 John Kendrick Bangs. 
 Anna Held. 
 Lew Fields. 
 John Drew. 
 Philander C. Knox. 
 
 Definition. 
 A campaign lie is something that 
 your crowd didn't think of starting to 
 circulate first. 
 
 The Courthouse. 
 It's always full of noises shrill ; 
 
 This no man can refute; 
 For when no one's breaking a will 
 
 Somebody is filing a suit. 
 
 Judging by the way the banks are 
 crowding each other to accept the pro- 
 visions of the new currency bill, all the 
 hurrah was mostly Vanderlip. 
 
 A Wise Old Guy. 
 
 "Sir Thomas Lipton Bound This 
 Way." — Headline. 
 
 The knight cometh whom no man 
 can work. 
 
 Au Contraire, As We French Say. 
 There's one phrase that gives us of- 
 fence. 
 
 Hence this complaint : 
 They talk a lot of "common sense" ; 
 
 It ain't! 
 
 Our More or Less National Airs. 
 
 "The Star Spangled Banner" — sung 
 to an English tune, "Anacreon in 
 Heaven." 
 
 "Maryland, My Maryland" — sung to 
 a German tune, "O Tannenbaum." 
 
 "Dixie" — sung to Emmet's minstrel 
 air. 
 
 "America" — sung to an English tune, 
 
 "God Save the King." 
 
 * « « 
 
 If this paragraphical strain on Car- 
 ranza's whiskers continues, we may be 
 forced to take down his wiregrass 
 entanglements. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 89 
 
 What Meanest Thou, "of Both Sexes"? 
 (Dispatch to the Spartanburg Journal) 
 The populace is beginning to become 
 crazy. The streets are full of old 
 women of both sexes who conduct 
 themselves in an unworthy manner. 
 
 Ballade of Forgotten Booze. 
 We have read all about the knights of 
 old, 
 How they fought for their ladies 
 fair ; 
 And many a monkish chronicler's told 
 
 Us the color of Guinevere's hair ; 
 Now, this is the question I'm mostly 
 concerned in, 
 And it can not be answered, I think : 
 Not what kind of marble those old 
 knights are urned in. 
 But what kind of rye did they drink? 
 
 How many tumblers could Galahad 
 hold 
 Without hopping up from his chair. 
 And wielding on high a big flagon of 
 cold 
 Sack, swat Gawaine on the ear? 
 I've said before, I'm not vastly con- 
 cerned in 
 The knight that from fear would not 
 shrink, 
 But when in the morning the Round 
 Table turned in. 
 And what kind of rye did they drink? 
 
 I've bought musty parchments for their 
 weight in gold ; 
 Pre-Renaissauce manuscripts rare; 
 I've searched thro' old vellums, and 
 rolls that were scrolled 
 In some immemorial year; 
 And while I've learned much, this much 
 I'm not learned in : 
 In what social club did they slink? 
 How tight they all got, whose room 
 they adjourned in, 
 And — what kind of rye did they 
 
 drink? 
 
 « « * 
 
 "The Negation of Things Sacred in 
 American Ideals" is what the Phila- 
 delphia Public Ledger calls poor Boies 
 Penrose — yet there are those who com- 
 plain about the use of dum dum bul- 
 lets. 
 
 Want to Lighten Things Up? 
 
 (Ad. in the Buffalo News.) 
 
 WANTED — Light or red-haired girl in 
 
 small apartment. 
 
 « • • 
 
 If you have been following the war 
 news faithfully, you will have observed 
 that the forward pass is as much of a 
 failure this year as it has been since 
 
 it was first inaugurated. 
 
 « » ♦ 
 
 "Many trusts," says Senator Martine, 
 "are in our midst." Quick, nurse, the 
 paragoric ! 
 
 It is highly appropriate that the war 
 should have taken the Saint out of 
 
 St. Petersburg. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Can't Blame Her. 
 To every man she gives a kiss ; 
 
 How bold it is of Sue; 
 But then you must excuse the miss — 
 
 You see, she's only two. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Uncle Toby's army that swore so 
 terribly in Flanders is having many 
 
 imitators. 
 
 « » » 
 
 Some of these war correspondents 
 would certainly make wonderful fish- 
 ermen. 
 
 « » • 
 
 "American Students Enlist." — Ox- 
 ford dispatch. Another good Rhodes 
 
 movement. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The Professor to Be Opened. 
 (From the Greenville News.) 
 The weekly dance and opening of 
 Prof. Gordon at Chick Springs hotel, 
 Friday night, will be one of the prin- 
 cipal social events of the season at 
 
 this charming resort. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Still, the Sick Man of Europe isn't 
 the only one. Germany has its Aix. 
 
 Any one remember Archibald Claver- 
 ing Gunter? Of course not! All too 
 young. But Mr. Barnes of New York 
 is still on the job ! 
 
 # w « 
 
 A Dream. 
 Last night I dreamed a funny dream ; 
 
 It was so queer that I 
 Can not, who Sister Truth esteem. 
 
 Attribute it to pie. 
 
90 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Within that dream old Huerta's face 
 Showed up distinct, and zounds! 
 
 The man was playing second base 
 Up at the Polo Grounds! 
 
 Cap Hobson from a low saloon 
 With reeling steps did slink. 
 
 While Clark and Bryan, comrades boon, 
 Had "jush annuzzer drink." 
 
 King George upon a London stage 
 Cried "Votes for women!" loud, 
 
 And Mrs. Pankhurst, red with rage. 
 Urged on the jeering crowd. 
 
 A campaign scene my rapt gaze took, 
 
 Void of all vim or fire; 
 No candidate yelled, "You're a crook !" 
 
 Nor heard back, "You're a liar!" 
 
 Last night I dreamed a funny dream; 
 
 It was so queer that I 
 Can not, who Sister Truth esteem, 
 
 Attribute it to pie. 
 
 « * • 
 
 To Yictoriano Huerta. 
 We don't love you. General Huerta ; 
 
 You have caused more woe and 
 crime 
 Than we really can or care to 
 
 Tell about in this here rime. 
 You're a bully, you're a bounder, 
 
 And a braggart, too, old Vic; 
 Gossip calls you a bad rounder. 
 
 Also a saloonatic. 
 
 You're a crook, so Villa tells us. 
 
 And you're always on a bat; 
 But there's just one thing compels us 
 
 To impart the secret that 
 We've a sneaking admiration 
 
 For a fellow who will talk 
 Back to a two-fisted nation 
 
 That's the cock of all the walk. 
 
 When Marse Woodrow's legions finish 
 With your ochre-colored gents, 
 
 All your glories will diminish 
 To the size of 30 cents. 
 
 But meanwhile, we are no traitor 
 To the grand old flag we serve 
 
 If we say to you, Dictator, 
 
 That we kinder like your nerve! 
 
 * ♦ » 
 
 Paris feels the pinch of poverty. 
 Even the Venus de Milo is stone broke. 
 
 "The Follies of 191^." 
 We trust that Billie Burke won't find 
 her first mate a skipper. 
 
 They Certainly Hate to Lose Those 
 Pegs. 
 "Peg o' My Heart, I'll Miss You," 
 murmured the naval officer, as he took 
 
 a farewell toddy. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Fortunately, No Statute Covers This 
 Offense. 
 Would it be proper to refer to Indian 
 
 reservations as the po' Lo grounds? 
 
 « « * 
 
 Only One Guess as to the First. 
 Col. Roosevelt is nearing the mouth 
 of the Amazon, the second largest one 
 in the world. 
 
 Aftermath's Sentiments. 
 Let the Prussian cannon roar, 
 
 Vive la France ! 
 Let them fill the plains with gore, 
 
 Vive la France ! 
 Let the fierce-mustacheod Kaiser 
 Spout addresses like a geyser ; 
 Vive absinthe ! a bas Budweiser ! 
 
 Vive la France ! 
 
 « » « 
 
 Sounds Logical. 
 "A butter is a goat, that's clear," 
 
 Said flippant little Fanny; 
 "Which being so, I greatly fear 
 
 A buttress is a nanny." 
 
 Who's Zoo in Europe. 
 
 The Lion. 
 
 The Bear. 
 
 The Belgian Hare. 
 
 The Double Eagle. 
 
 The Annual Pilgrimage. 
 A hint of Fall is in the air. 
 
 And chilly winds are almost here. 
 Soon to Unc. Moses we must tote 
 
 Some kale to get our overcoat. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Propinquity. 
 If I were but the Sturdy Oak, 
 
 And you the Clinging Vine; 
 If you were but the golden sheaf, 
 
 And I the binder-twine. 
 If you were but the Irish Sea, 
 
 And I the Isle of Man ; 
 If I were only Fulton Street, 
 
 And you, my dear, were Ann ! 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 91 
 
 The Pessimistic Editor. 
 (From the Pineville (Ga.) Herald.) 
 If we are to stand for our women 
 folks wearing shadow skirts and slit 
 skirts and transparent skirts, and our 
 younger women learning to dance the 
 boll-weevil wiggle, the Texas tommy, 
 tango, the bunny hug, the bear dance, 
 the half-canter, the buzzard lope and 
 the puppy huddle and so on down the 
 line, then the men folks might as well 
 have their saloons and highballs and 
 the whole push go to h — 1 together. 
 
 Believe me that all these endearing 
 young charms 
 That I gaze on so fondly today, 
 May be hidden from view by a hoop- 
 skirt, perhaps. 
 By the first of next April or May. 
 
 Fighting against long odds is one of 
 the best little things England does. 
 
 Another Sort. 
 
 Will Be News to Julius. 
 
 (From The Tampa Tribune.) 
 
 "Of all Gaul the Bulgarians are the 
 
 most warlike." So said Julius Caesar 
 
 centuries ago. 
 
 Especially Spouse's. 
 Open letters — Wives. 
 
 Bad Places for Doctors. 
 Wellman, la. 
 Health, Ark. 
 Hale, N. C. 
 Hardy, Cal. 
 Heartwell, Neb 
 Hygiene, Col. 
 
 How They Say "I Should Worry." 
 German — "Ich sollte mlch sorgen." 
 French — "Que je me troublerais." 
 Italian — "Vorrei tormentor mi." 
 Spanish — "Seria atormentado." 
 Swedish — "Jag skulla grubbla." 
 Yiddish — "Isch ka bibble." 
 Bohemian — "Mam se starat." 
 Polish — Ja sie man klopotac." 
 Danish — "Jag skudle sorge" 
 Finnish — Minako surisin." 
 Japanese — "Hoya moya." 
 Norwegian — "Jeg skulde Sorge." 
 
 He left no footprints on time's sands 
 
 Did wicked Mr. Kumz, 
 But on the police blotter he 
 
 Left prints of both his thumbs. 
 
 Vic. Should Worry. 
 "The Yankees have captured Tam- 
 
 pico !" 
 Cried a courier, name of Matico. 
 But Huerta said, "Mat, 
 We won't talk about that; 
 Let's open a bottle of Clicquot!" 
 
 Austria wouldn't have to seek loans 
 if she hadn't borrowed trouble. 
 
 Yes. 
 Before the average man casts his 
 bread upon the waters, he is usually 
 careful to wait until the tide is com- 
 ing in. 
 
 Woodshed Reminiscences. 
 Almost every fellow can remember 
 when his father was a strapping young 
 man. 
 
 » ♦ » 
 
 Significant. 
 Every little army movement has a 
 meaning all its own. 
 
 Perverted Proverbs. 
 
 War deferred maketh the Heart sick. 
 
 Spare the rod and spoil the Mexican. 
 
 Disorder is Mexico's first law. 
 
 Ultimatums never come singly. 
 
 Whom the gods destroy, they first 
 make Mex. 
 
 All things come to those who watch 
 and wait. 
 
 Defy in haste and repent at leisure. 
 Barking dogs of war sometimes bite. 
 
 Dreadnaughts speak louder than 
 words. 
 
 # » ♦ 
 
 Washington threw a dollar across 
 the Potomac. French and Joffre are 
 
 throwing a sovereign across the Rhine. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Cynic Says: 
 To make a quarrel it takes two, 
 
 The proverb says; but, son, 
 The biggest fuss I ever knew 
 
 Came when two were made one. 
 
 The superintendent of schools ad- 
 vises early purchases of school books, 
 Georgraphies, also? 
 
92 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Musical Toivns. 
 Strausville, Neb. 
 Verdi, Va. 
 Wagner, Fla. 
 Chopin, La. 
 Weber, Ark. 
 Mozart, Pa. 
 
 Huerta's Lament. 
 Occupation is vexation; 
 
 Mediation is as bad; 
 The A. B. C. dota bother me, 
 
 And Woodrow drives me mad. 
 
 When Sam Johnson Turned Over in 
 
 His Orave. 
 
 (The Rev. Jefferson, in a New York 
 
 sermon.) 
 
 " 'Tis sad, nevertheless too true, that 
 
 in many instances, as Ben Johnson 
 
 says, 'Patriotism is the last refuge of 
 
 a scoundrel.' " 
 
 « « « 
 
 What Fine Weather We're Having. 
 (From the Mercyville, la.. Banner.) 
 
 Mrs. Parmeuter of Des Moines will 
 be at the hotel Saturday with all her 
 
 hair. 
 
 • • • 
 
 George Washington is gratefully re- 
 membered for being first in war ; 
 Woodrow Wilson will be gratefully 
 remembered for having been last in 
 
 war. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The old-fashioned man who speaks 
 of "Proosher" and "Roosher" was at 
 last accounts still in front of The 
 
 State's bulletin board. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Heard on the street car : "They 
 have put the Palace of Rimes, where 
 Joanna Dark was crowned Queen of 
 France, on the blink!" 
 
 The King of the Tonga Islands has 
 declared his neutrality, and every Eu- 
 ropean chancellory breathes a mighty 
 sigh of relief. 
 
 • • • 
 
 It is to be hoped that the world- 
 wide movement to persuade the belli- 
 gerents to respect ancient monuments 
 and objects of art will not go so far as 
 to preserve that row of statues of the 
 Hohenzollerns in Berlin. 
 
 American ragtime is popular in Ger- 
 many, but it is thought that those "It's 
 a bear !" refrains are now severely 
 
 frowned upon. 
 
 * « « 
 
 The Terrible Turk is as free with 
 scraps of paper as the old style stage 
 manager who used to create the snow 
 
 scene in "The Two Orphans." 
 « • * 
 The Red Cross ship, having crossed 
 out its politics, has taken the wave in 
 
 search of Romance. 
 
 * * # 
 
 Vic. Huerta might at least have sent 
 a cablegram of regrets to those Balti- 
 more flag saluters. 
 
 The estimable Georgetown Times 
 chides us for using the split infinitive. 
 Specify, brother, specify ! 
 
 Elbert Hubbard says Norman Hap- 
 good belongs in the Ananias Club. The 
 doorkeeper ought to know. 
 
 Steamship aground off Jersey coast 
 probably knows all about the offensive 
 
 abilities of the skeeter fleet. 
 
 •» « « 
 
 British armies are said coolly to be 
 taking hot tea on the battlefields. The 
 
 next best thing to cold grape-juice. 
 
 * » • 
 
 Once it was, "Lyons opposed liberty ; 
 Lyons is no more." Now it is, "Lou- 
 vain defended liberty ; Louvain is no 
 more." 
 
 Naturally, all salacious and morbid 
 New York turned out for the opening 
 night of a play that was called "Inno- 
 cent." 
 
 * • • 
 
 A High Tribute. 
 Events of the last few days have 
 tremendously increased, if that be pos- 
 sible, our admiration of President Wil- 
 son's knack of doing the right thing 
 at the right time. We can really pay 
 the Prexy no loftier tribute than that 
 of the negro reverend to the white 
 preacher who promised to occupy his 
 pulpit one Sunday : "Dis noted divine 
 is one of de greatest men of de age. 
 He knows de onknowable, he kin do 
 de ondoable, and he kin onscrew de 
 onscrutable !" 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 93 
 
 It's just as well Sayville is silent. 
 No family newspaper could print what 
 
 SayvUle would like to say just now. 
 
 * * * 
 
 "Tut-tut's" Successor. 
 Loyal Democratic editors are now 
 
 referring to it as the Guff of Mexico. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Why Not? 
 Would it be permissible to speak of 
 
 histories of Mexico as scrapbooks? 
 
 -» » » 
 
 Siege Vittles. 
 I do not care much for horse meat, 
 
 I am not strong on snail ; 
 When I think what that town must 
 eat 
 Words of description fail. 
 Roast dog, broiled sparrow, prime ribs 
 of cat 
 Do NOT appeal to me. 
 Hence this pean of rejoicing that 
 1 am not in Paree. 
 
 What's Your Idea? 
 "What," asks Mr. Bryan, "is more 
 mysterious than an egg?" Offhand, we 
 
 should say, boarding-house hash. 
 » • • 
 "Villa declares that Carranza has 
 the brain of a Saxon and the soul of a 
 Latin. And the whiskers of a Long 
 Islander. And the nerve of an At- 
 iantan. 
 
 Before going too far with this mat- 
 ter of Pan-American good offices, it 
 would be well to having it definitely 
 understood in advance who it is they 
 
 intend to pan. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Jim McGilvray Exults. 
 (From the Pee Dee Daily.) 
 I am so overjoyed with victory that 
 I feel like the old woman at the big 
 meeting when she jumped up in church 
 and shouted : "Glory to God. I feel 
 like I am in Beelzebub's bosom." The 
 preacher said : "Oh, no, sister. Not 
 Beelzebub, surely." She said : "Well, 
 so it's some of them old Patriarchs, I 
 don't care a cuss which one." 
 
 Modern rifles have an effective range 
 of 2,800 yards in battle, but their bul- 
 lets hit pay envelopes three thousand 
 miles and more away. 
 
 Shakspere. 
 
 Something is rotten in the state of 
 (censored). 
 
 He is a soldier fit to stand by (cen- 
 sored ) . 
 
 And give direction. 
 
 A (censored) come to judgment! yea! 
 a (censored). 
 
 When shall we three meet again? 
 
 In (censored), (censored), or in (cen- 
 sored) ? 
 
 I am no orator, as (censored) is. 
 
 My business in this state 
 
 Makes me a looker-on here in (cen- 
 sored ) . 
 
 The Amende Honorable. 
 (From the Council Grove, Kan., 
 Guard.) 
 The "Guard" stated last week that 
 Mr. Sackett broke his collar bone. We 
 saw him on the street Tuesday and 
 learned it was not his collar bone but 
 his wrist bone that is broken. But 
 considering the human frame has 250 
 bones, we think we did pretty well to 
 get as close to the right one as we 
 did. The collar bone is easier broken 
 anyway and we desired to make the 
 
 matter as light on our friend Sackett. 
 
 « » « 
 
 David and Goliath. 
 When old Goliath in his might 
 Upreared himself to his full height 
 And buckled on his arms for war 
 He struck all peoples dumb with awe. 
 A roar of laughter 'scaped him when 
 Slim David strutted down the glen ; 
 "Just watch me put a classy crimp," 
 He bellowed, "in that puny shrimp !" 
 
 For more details along this line 
 See Samuel, 17 :49. 
 
 Once more Goliath takes the field 
 With broad-sword, battle-axe and 
 
 shield ; 
 Once more with but an humble sling 
 There stands a David challenging. 
 Be true thine eye and firm thy hand. 
 And from the azure Danube's strand 
 Speed the stone, Servia ; nor cringe 
 Now that at last thou mayest avenge 
 The insults of the centuries 
 And bring the bully to his knees! 
 
94 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 In a Quandary. 
 Jean Baptiste Sergius Schwartzmann 
 
 Jones 
 Filled all the air with dismal groans. 
 "This sure is~ tough," he wailed. "You 
 
 see 
 
 I just can't place my sympathy !" 
 
 • * * 
 
 Even Paw is Adle to Take a Little 
 Nourishment. 
 
 (Tomahawk Corr. Marshall, Ark., Re- 
 publican. ) 
 The stork called at the home of Mr. 
 
 and Mrs. Lindsay Stone on July 18 and 
 
 left a girl baby, all parties doing fine. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Easy Way to Title. 
 Some men are born Colonels, some 
 achieve Colonelhood, and some have 
 Colonelhood thrust upon them, espe- 
 cially Northern visitors who take care 
 to tip the hackman a dime. 
 « * * 
 
 In Darkest Manhattan. 
 (From the New York Evening MaD.) 
 
 Lynch Sisters at Fancy Dress Ball. 
 
 » • » 
 
 Illustrated Baseball — A Double. 
 
 Ain't it the Truth? 
 When a man lets you talk to him a 
 lot about yourself he is an Entertain- 
 ing Conversationalist. AVhen he insists 
 on talking a little about himself he is 
 an Awful Bore. 
 
 « « « 
 
 The college president just chosen 
 President of Santo Domingo will need 
 
 to keep all his faculties about him. 
 
 • • • 
 
 It is understood that the gallant 
 Frenchmen have tied Mary Garden's 
 wardrobe, lost in Europe, to the lance 
 that leads the charge. 
 » # » 
 
 "Ribs, 11 1-2 cents," says a Chicago 
 dispatch. Another item in the high 
 cost of Loving. 
 
 Woodrow Wilson is making 
 history than he ever wrote. 
 
 more 
 
 From all indications it appears that 
 after today the only way of recog- 
 nizing a Virginia gentleman will be by 
 his accent, unreinforced by his aroma. 
 
 The German mines : "We were the 
 first that ever burst into that silent 
 sea." 
 
 « * « 
 
 George Sylvester Viereck calls Eng- 
 land a serpent. Judging by her birth 
 
 rate, she isn't an adder. 
 
 « « « 
 
 The Czar's order of national prohibi- 
 tion during the war is the only case on 
 record where any man voluntarily cut 
 the throat of his own monopoly. 
 
 An Ohio man announces that he 
 owns "the shortest-legged chicken in 
 the world," but that's no way to speak 
 
 of one's wife. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Williamsburg county farmers are 
 said to be living at home and board- 
 ing at the same place. They should 
 worry about Louvain. 
 
 • w « 
 
 We hope the railroads make some 
 dividend out of the perfect courtesy 
 with which the President entertained 
 their plea for sympathy. 
 
 « « « 
 How About the Men Voters of Her Sex f 
 (Headline in the New York Times.) 
 
 Mrs. John K. Williams, Candidate 
 for Lieutenant Governor of California, 
 Who Has Already Been Indorsed by 
 
 Many Women "Voters of Her Sex. 
 
 » • » 
 
 We Don't DouU it At All. 
 
 (Headlines in the New York Sun.) 
 
 200 MEN ANNIHILATED. 
 
 By The Sun's and The London Daily 
 
 Mail's War Service. 
 Special Cable Dispatch to The Sun. 
 
 What Has Become Of: 
 The dove of peace? 
 Alton B. Parker? 
 Imported beer? 
 Harry Thaw? 
 Green hats? 
 Bob LaFollette? 
 Celluloid collars? 
 Em. Pankhurst? 
 Twelve-cent cotton? 
 "Butch" McDevitt? 
 The old time melodrama? 
 "Suspender Jack"? 
 Hiram Johnson? 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 95 
 
 You Know Him, Al. 
 He is a very gentle scout 
 
 Whom strong, rough words displease, 
 And so he mildly talks about 
 
 The sword of Durnocles. 
 
 * « « 
 
 The Horrors of War. 
 Estelle offends more than the rest, 
 By telling us of lese majeste. 
 
 — New York Tribune. 
 
 "Indian troops to fight Kaiser." 
 Sikh semper tyrannis. 
 
 Times Have Changed. 
 Nicholas : "My dear 
 
 Jews, 
 Poles." 
 
 Poincare and Wilhelm : "My dear 
 Socialists !" 
 
 It makes us wrathy to hear Alice 
 Ask if the Kaiser's captured Calais. 
 , — Columbia State. 
 
 It bores us to hear a refugee 
 Speak of her trials in Gay Paree. 
 
 — Richmond Times-Dispatch. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Heard on the Hustings. 
 "To my mind" 
 
 "I can not do justice to" 
 
 "Far be it from me" 
 
 "It behooves us" 
 
 "It is hardly necessary to say" — 
 "One word more and I have done" 
 
 "It falls to my lot" 
 
 "I can not find words to" 
 
 "In the last analysis" 
 
 "Be that as it may" 
 
 "I shall not detain you longer" 
 "It becomes my painful duty" — 
 "I point with pride" 
 
 A Funny Guy. 
 The crankiest man is Jeweler Hill 
 
 Of all the cranky bands ; 
 He never sells a watch until 
 
 He manicures its hands. 
 
 Wuxtry ! 
 
 10:00 a. m. — (1) : "Berlin says 
 Antwerp Has Fallen." 
 
 11:00 a. m.— (2) : "Paris Says Ant- 
 werp is Safe." 
 
 12 m. — Number 1. 
 
 1 p. m. — Number 2. 
 
 2 p. m. — Number 1. 
 
 3 p. m. — Number 2. 
 
 Etc., etc., etc. 
 
 * » » 
 
 Mercy ! 
 All Europe has its war clothes on 
 
 Designed by Brother Krupp ; 
 And even little Holland, so 
 
 They say, is all dyked up. 
 
 George : "My dear 
 
 Hindus, 
 Boers, 
 Irish, 
 Ulsterites." 
 
 These English and French Dukes 
 and so forth may be inordinately fond 
 of American dollars, but they certain- 
 ly do squander their lives like gentle- 
 
 Maybe the huge flights of storks 
 sighted in France are moblizing for 
 the annual manoeuvres around the 
 
 Spanish royal palace. 
 
 « * * 
 
 European Concert Note. 
 Switzerland's mobilizing fast. 
 
 And at the break of morn 
 She calls her sons with one loud blast 
 
 Upon her Matterhorn. 
 
 When a girl has to choose between 
 a man, who is capable of big deeds and 
 a man who owns 'em, the choice is 
 quickly made. 
 
 The bombardment of the Cathedral 
 of Rheims destroys the most magnifi- 
 cent of all memorials of the first and 
 truest of all women militants. 
 
 It is all right for a nation to try to 
 get "a place in the sun" — but not by 
 
 shady means. 
 
 • • • 
 
 We suppose that coming generations 
 of Austrians will speak of their an- 
 cestors as forerunners. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Philadelphia is supposed to be the 
 city of brotherly love, but we doubt if 
 its affection for Boston at this junc- 
 ture is much more than mother-in- 
 lawly. 
 
96 
 
 POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 
 
 We luuierstantl that Bostou news- 
 dealers ai-e still allowed to sell The 
 Black Cat, no protest having been re- 
 ceived from Mlstah William Monroe 
 
 Trottah. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Outside of crackins; its neutrality 
 into pitiful bits, burning its cities, 
 killing half of its men, pauperizing its 
 inhabitants, gobbling all its food and 
 taking seven millions a month as in- 
 demnity, Germany has treated Bel- 
 gium very well. 
 
 • • • 
 
 President Wilson's letter eulogizing 
 Congress strikes us as a mighty good 
 autobiography. 
 
 "Well, that's one on me!" groaned 
 the Parisian, as the Zeppelin bomb 
 nicked him. 
 
 The Kaiser seems to be another 
 rivers and harbors Bill. 
 
 You may have noticed that no new 
 "Rembrandts" have been discovered 
 since those European artists went to 
 the front. 
 
 When the society etlitor is up 
 against the problem of saying some- 
 thing pleasant about an ugly rich girl, 
 she usually gets out of it by calling 
 
 her "interesting" or "picturesque." 
 
 * «- * 
 
 Under the heading, "Fun With Fa- 
 mous Folks," the Boston Globe per- 
 petrates the following daffydils: 
 
 "What train did James Montgomery 
 Flagg? 
 
 "What kinds of fish were caught by 
 Harrison Fisher? 
 
 "What did John eat besides Oxen- 
 ham? 
 
 "What made Stewart Edward 
 White? 
 
 "Who taught Ed. Howe?" 
 
 Well, for that matter- 
 Why is Samuel G. Blythe? 
 
 What made H. Rider Haggard and 
 Victor Blue? 
 
 What is the best hand that Anna 
 Held? 
 
 What gave Tasker H. Bliss? 
 
 Who knows how high Penrose? 
 
 Why did George Barr McCutcheon? 
 
 The Anti-Saloon League ought not 
 to mind John Bull's seizing tank 
 
 steamers. 
 
 « » » 
 
 Charity. 
 It is an easy thing to gloat 
 
 When you annex a foeman's goat, 
 But, friend, leave all them gloats un- 
 said : 
 
 Suppose he'd got your goat instead? 
 
 * « « 
 
 "If, as reported, Mary Garden has 
 lost her wardrobe, she might buy a 
 bale of cotton." — Columbus Enquirer- 
 Sun. Shucks, a boll would do Mary. 
 
 "Poured Sauce on His Bride," says 
 an esteemed contemporary. Turn about 
 is fair play. Doubtless she had given 
 
 him too much of it. 
 
 « » » 
 
 London's morning salutation : 
 
 "What's up?" 
 
 « • • 
 
 We wish the neighbor's cat and our 
 cat would take a tip from Mexico and 
 arrange an armistice, even if it isn't 
 for more than three or four nights. 
 
 Gather ye war news while ye may, 
 old Time is still a-flying ; and this 
 same dope that's true today, tomorrow 
 may be lying. 
 
 As we understand it, the average 
 man is so sick and tired of war news 
 that he is seriously thinking of quit- 
 ting reading his neighbor's paper. 
 
 Austrian infantry is called an arm 
 of the service, though leg would seem 
 to describe it much more accurately. 
 
 It's a good thing that hard words 
 break no bones, for some of these Rus- 
 sian names would have most of us 
 looking as if we had dropped 15,000 
 feet from a Taube. 
 
 It's to be hojied the last British re- 
 verses aren't half as bad as the last 
 British verses. 
 
 Our notion of the height of some- 
 thing is the lady baritone in the vaude- 
 ville show. 
 
 What France seems to need as much 
 as anything else is a marrytorium. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 97 
 
 Germany will not violate Holland's 
 neutrality. Wet grounds. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Will President Yuan of China please 
 inform a ijreathless world which side 
 honorable Confucius is fighting on? 
 
 And to think that the Petrograd cor- 
 respondent was one of the few men 
 Colonel Roosevelt didn't call a liar'. 
 
 « « • 
 
 No doubt a good deal of London's 
 sewing for tlie army is done in Thread- 
 needle Street. 
 
 « • « 
 
 The Welsh battle cry is "Gwaeli 
 angeu neu Chywylerd," no less, and we 
 believe there's a good deal in that 
 sentiment, too. 
 
 "New York teachers are demanding 
 man's wages." Well, why don't they 
 get married? 
 
 "Holy War Moves Turkey." It's 
 likely to move it to Asia Minor. 
 
 Store a little sunshine in your heart 
 and the gray days will be easier. 
 
 China has executed a wealthy crim- 
 inal, poor barbarous nation that 
 
 she is. 
 
 « • « 
 
 We warmly agree with Col. Ella 
 Wheeler Wilcox that a woman's clothes 
 should reveal her temperament, but 
 see no reason why they should stop 
 there. 
 
 We have never so regretted the good 
 old custom of ducking common scolds 
 as when contemplating the case of 
 Bernard Shaw. 
 
 When money talks, nobody cares 
 how ungrammatical it is. 
 
 Mex. City reports indicate that Gen- 
 eral Zapata is industriously engaged 
 in bringing chaos out of order. 
 
 "The enemy's resistance is not 
 broken," announces the German Chan- 
 cellor, thus confirming a universal sus- 
 picion. 
 
 As for the Western theatre of war, 
 those Hindus can furnish plenty of 
 castes. 
 
 Report that the Kaiser has lost 
 heart is absurd for a very obvious rea- 
 son. 
 
 There is always some hope for a bad 
 man as long as he is not a hyrmcrite 
 
 to boot. 
 
 # * • 
 
 Turkey accrediting a representative 
 to the Pope is not the least of the 
 war's ironies. 
 
 Blessed be the cabinet officer who 
 expecteth criticism, for he shall not 
 
 be disappointed. 
 
 • « * 
 
 General Joffre's home folks gave 
 him a sweater the other day, just as 
 if the Germans weren't making it 
 warm enough for him already. 
 
 Nikalo Tesla may be Russia's great- 
 est inventor, but the Petrograd press 
 agent is a close second. 
 
 Not a cathedral wrecketl for a whole 
 week ! Has "kultur" got the hook- 
 worm ? 
 
 * « » 
 
 A good many American manufac- 
 turers are discovering the war cloud's 
 silver lining. 
 
 The war has produced many heroes. 
 And at the head of the list is Albert 
 King of the Belgians. 
 
 Well, Portugal, if you must get into 
 it, please recollect that you are a re- 
 public and endeavor to uphold the 
 prestige of the name. As the Cock- 
 ney usher told the obstreperous mili- 
 tant : "Remember, Ij'dy, that you are 
 
 in a church, and behave as .such." 
 
 « • • 
 
 By courtesy of German-Americans, 
 we understand that the rest of us in 
 this country will be permitted to keep 
 on speaking the English language. 
 
 We judge by the Colonel's latest re- 
 marks about the Same Old Wilhelm 
 that he doesn't intend to ascend to per- 
 sonalities in this campaign. 
 
 Somehow, we imagine the philoso- 
 pher who remarked th-it "Time is 
 money" said it ju.st after completing a 
 trip in a taxi. 
 
98 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 To be strictly up-to-date, you must 
 
 write it "souuy Spaiu." 
 
 « « « 
 
 It sounds paradoxical, but the best 
 way to uuike both ends meet is to keep 
 straight ahead. 
 
 Belgium has her back to the wall. 
 
 but not to the enemy. 
 
 • • • 
 
 We heartily agree with the headline 
 artist who announces that Russia is 
 making "consonant gains." 
 
 In the Berlin-Petrograd tale of two 
 cities, it's the dickens to know which 
 to believe. 
 
 Allies seem to be having a snap in 
 the fighting at Lens. 
 
 Life below the border seems to be 
 
 just one Mexican after another. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Holland refuses outside aid for Bel- 
 gian refugees within her borders. She 
 insists that it will be a Dutch treat. 
 
 English fears that Portugal will in- 
 sist upon advancing to their aid seem 
 to be well grounded. 
 
 Judging by local street scenes. King 
 Cotton is partial to the Southern ex- 
 posure. 
 
 » « * 
 
 Speaking of high churchmen, an 
 English parson has just entered the 
 
 aviation corps. 
 
 » * » 
 
 How London must envy the Eskimos 
 those six-months days! 
 
 "A Pair of Silk Stockings" is New 
 York's newest play, but some critics 
 
 predict it will soon be on its last legs. 
 
 » ♦ » 
 
 We wouldn't be a bit surprised to 
 learn that the Hon. Jim Maun was 
 
 born on the island of Yap. 
 
 « « • 
 
 England has prohibited the exporta- 
 tion of wool, but nobody wanted Jack 
 Johnson back, anyway. 
 
 Boston — the hubbub of the universe! 
 
 It's been some days now since a Ger- 
 man aeroplane gave Paris the once 
 over. 
 
 There is some appr(4ieusiou that 
 Wilhelm has confounded the way of 
 the transgressor with the paths of 
 glory. 
 
 Queerly enough, Japan hasn't used 
 a single shogun in this war. 
 
 Some one asks for our opinion of the 
 best end of the year. The bull moose's. 
 
 It is indeed a pathetic spectacle the 
 way Woodrow Wilson's enemies are 
 falling away from him every day. 
 
 "Mary Garden Reveals Her Patriot- 
 ism," goes a headline. And that isn't 
 all Mary reveals either. 
 
 They that take up the sword shall 
 also perish by their enemies' press 
 
 agents. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Determination is often just mule- 
 
 h'?adeilness in a dress suit. 
 
 * » « 
 
 And to think that the kaiser once 
 hung about ten feet of German deco- 
 rations on Doc Eliot ! 
 
 « • « 
 
 Now that Artist Rentei'dahl has gone 
 to the front we are looking forward to 
 
 some drawn battles. 
 
 « * • 
 
 Utter nonsense — T. R. and Cap'n 
 Hobson. 
 
 The relief of Przemysl is nothing to 
 that of the proofreaders. 
 
 We see by the papers that Wilding, 
 
 the English tennis crack, is serving. 
 
 « » « 
 
 As we understand it. Mr. Bryan's 
 idea is to make the dogs of war set- 
 ters. 
 
 • • • 
 
 "Girl Born to Braves' Pitcher" — 
 Washington Post. It certainly must 
 
 have been some feat. 
 
 * * » 
 
 George Perkins says you can't fool 
 all the people all the time, but "there 
 is millions in fooling half of 'em." He 
 
 ought to know. 
 
 « » » 
 
 "Any man." announces John D's pas- 
 tor, "who says I drink is a liar." Shake 
 not thy gory locks at us, reverend sir. 
 We never opened our mouth. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 99 
 
 Like ThcHC, Fr example. 
 "Near Lemborg, (Jaliciu, after heavy 
 fightinji, the linssians seized the Hue 
 to Kanunonka, Gliniauy, Przemyslany 
 
 and Brzukovitze." 
 
 « « « 
 
 Germany promises to respect the 
 Monroe doctrine. Poor little Belgium 
 
 got one of those i)r()mises. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Judging from the missives read in 
 divorce suits, It's a short step from 
 correspondence to co-respondence. 
 
 Hellup ! 
 Some styles, we know, are really 
 crimes. 
 But we excuse them when 
 We hark back to Queen Bess's times — 
 How ruff the things were then ! 
 
 (From a boost for Mary Garden in 
 The American Magazine.) 
 She reveals her.self in a way that 
 is refreshing, while at the same time 
 
 contributing valuable information. 
 
 # # * 
 
 Don't Shoot, Sistren! 
 The reason some girls are so crazy 
 about palmistry is that they can't get 
 
 their hands held any other way. 
 
 ♦ ♦ » 
 
 Our Curious Langwidge. 
 When we say that there were high 
 words between the disputants, every- 
 body iniderstands, of course, that they 
 were low words. 
 
 Must Have Been Some Sermon! 
 (From the London Universe.) 
 The sermon over, a collection was 
 taken, and hardly a person present did 
 not contribute. Mgr. Benson's sermon 
 went to the hardest heart there. Even 
 the journalists contributed. 
 
 Oh, You Pin. 
 He gently clasped her slender waist, 
 
 Then tragedy befell ; 
 For he removes his arm in ha.ste 
 
 And wryly muttered : "Tut ! tut !" 
 
 The Reason. 
 He knows no North, South, East or 
 West, 
 Does Mr. Julius Flagg; 
 And yet his is no patriot's breast — 
 He simply has a jag. 
 
 Judging by his testimony, Pi'esident 
 Mellen was simply the official fence 
 behind which the New Haven was done 
 to death. 
 
 Why does a peace journal like The 
 Commoner make clubbing offers? 
 
 Paradoxical as it may seem, it's the 
 
 part of wisdom to pass bad money. 
 
 # « « 
 
 One great redeeming feature of the 
 phonograph companies is that none of 
 thorn has put out any tenor records by 
 
 Colonel Roosevelt. 
 
 « # » 
 
 Something will be done at last for 
 the Senate's high cost of living. Geoi*- 
 gia is about to send it a cracker. 
 
 Admiral Peary says there should be 
 a national wind-map ; but what's 
 
 wrong with the Congressional Record? 
 
 « » « 
 
 "What resources," demands Ernest 
 Thompson-Seton, "have we to compare 
 with our young men?" Well, Ernie, 
 there are our young women. 
 
 An optimist, as we understand it, is 
 a man who makes the best of it when 
 he gets the worst of it. 
 
 This war seems to bear another of 
 those "Made-in-Germany" labels. 
 
 Earthly Advantages. 
 I'd rather bide upon the land 
 
 In dull, prosaic bliss. 
 Than be an aviator, and 
 
 Come tumbling down like this ! 
 
 The militant aim is rapidly improv- 
 ing. One of them threw a book at the 
 judge and missed him only five yards. 
 
 Let Theodore Roosevelt chip in his 
 share, and we can turn over to Colom- 
 bia a settlement of .$25,000,000.06. 
 
 Excuse Us. 
 Sign of Buffalo Merchant.) 
 
 CLEANING, DYING AND 
 
 PRESSING LADIES 
 
 AND GENTS. 
 
100 
 
 POEJ/S . I .V/> PA h\ 1 67M /7/N 
 
 EbonoztM" : No. tlio lojilslnturo has 
 not yot passod tho bill in-ohibltinj; (ho 
 iiso of all pianos with blaok koys. 
 
 Those New York sursoons who have 
 formed an on-hestra, should be ospo- 
 cially stroni: on opouini: overtures. 
 
 "C^lrl in TiLThts Chases Man Three 
 Ploeks." — Headline. If any dimpled 
 sister In tii^hts thinks she ean run us, 
 just let her try it on. as (hey say in 
 dear old l-eiuUtn. 
 
 President Wilson subscribes for the 
 London Tinies, but Mr. Kryan would 
 never allow him to take I'uuili. 
 
 If Hearst is really foolish enomjh to 
 fiet into the same politieal bed with 
 l\t>osevelt, it will not take a prophet 
 to prediet who will be kieked out. 
 
 77; (• ()/(/ (Jroiirhcx. 
 Some peojile don't seem to realize 
 that biMU!; alive is a privilege and not 
 a pmiishnient. 
 
 Ceorge V was erowned on a stotie. Notiee how mueh eheaper yon ean get 
 
 but he has been on needles and pins a spool sinee the Thread Trust was 
 ever sinee. wouutl \ii)V 
 
 That prohibit i«M» amendment is evi- 
 dently Hobson's ehoiee. 
 
 It is entirely natural that Paneho 
 Villa regards the Zapata bandits as 
 conspirators iu restraint of trade. 
 
 Somebody asks (>ld Hoe l^vans how 
 to get rid of ehiggers. There's the 
 
 rub ! 
 
 « » » 
 
 It is understood that the sutTragettes 
 who carried babies to the White House 
 have all returned them to their moth- 
 ers. 
 
 Harring aTi oyster and John I.ind, 
 the most speeehless thing yet diseov- 
 ered is the small New Haven stoek- 
 
 bolder. 
 
 « * » 
 
 A Marylander erept behind a balky 
 miile and stabbed him to make him 
 move. He did. 
 
 Ouch! 
 Speaking of lightweight champions, 
 whieh nobody was. eonld yon eall the 
 ice man one? 
 
 Paradoj-ical. 
 "This seems to me," said Mr. Jack. 
 
 "A most amazing stnnt. 
 That when some one takes us aback 
 
 We always take atTront." 
 
 Since the sunny kingdom repudiated 
 the Triple Alliance, the Kaiser must 
 believe there is a lot of truth in the 
 sentence. "Beyond the Alps lies 
 Italy." 
 
 rister isn't neeessarily progressive 
 just because she won't stand Tat. 
 
 Seratch a calamity-howler and you're 
 apt to (ind an ex-postmaster. 
 
 Though Senator Lewis has dropped 
 the ".lames." the jokesmiths will see to 
 it that he's a deviled Ham. 
 
 .1 1.(1 Mine, ('aillou.r. 
 When lovely woman stoops to folly 
 
 And hies her forth to shoot and slay, 
 She woei*s and looks most n\elaucludy. 
 
 And they acquit her right away. 
 
 "rossibly." remarked the othee In- 
 I'ln-rigible. as he glanced over the eold 
 wave reports, "this is that Southern 
 shiverlry we hear so mueh about." 
 
 What shall we call the lady tangoer 
 
 — a tangerine'? 
 
 Say. Woodrow. aren't we watchful 
 waiters going to .get any tips? 
 
 After all. it is ttnly the Swiss who 
 can contimie to yodel in the circum- 
 stances. 
 
 Beauty is only skin deep ; but. on the 
 other hand, so is ugliness. 
 
 History will rubric 1014 as the year 
 of the mightiest of wars. The average 
 American youth will recall it as the 
 year waivers were asked on Napoleon 
 Lajoie. 
 
 * • * 
 
 One half the world certainly knows 
 h(>w the other half dances. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 101 
 
 The River of Doubt Ls responsible 
 for many rivers of ink. 
 
 From all we hear, that Tennessee 
 Democratic candidate is a straight 
 Rye. The gratifying thing, however, is 
 
 that he Ls Wilson's Rye. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Champ Clark wishes it distinctly un- 
 derstood that his cold is not the same 
 one Mr. Bryan recently had. 
 
 What is so rare as a day in June 
 that doesn't begin some honeymoon? 
 
 Having carefully observed modern 
 fashion tendencies, a progressive Rich- 
 land county farmer has just put out 
 200 fig trees. 
 
 Title of a new story is "The Persist- 
 ent I^ady." Under cover before mar- 
 riage or out in the open afterward, 
 they are all persistent and infallible as 
 
 hunters. 
 
 • * « 
 
 It is a wretched slander to say that 
 the I. W. W. won't work. Why any of 
 'em would gladly accept a position as 
 lineman for a wirele.ss telegraphy com- 
 pany. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Nomenclaturally, at least, Mr. U. C. 
 Herr, postmaster at Medicine Lodge, 
 Kans., keeps in close touch with the 
 current fashions. 
 
 « * • 
 
 "Posterity To See Wilson," announces 
 the Washington Post. Is Secretary 
 Tumulty sure there is an open date? 
 
 Honest men shouldn't giggle so much 
 when rogues fall out. Rogues have an 
 uncomfortable habit of making up 
 again. 
 
 As for the lady lecturer who says 
 cigarettes are pernicious, we are glad 
 to back 'er. 
 
 Secretary Burleson last week discon- 
 tinued the Theodore, Ky., po.stoffice, 
 and the Colonel recovered his voice 
 next day. 
 
 Mrs. Carrie Chapman Catt has re- 
 turned from Europe, where she was 
 much tigerized by her suffrage friends. 
 
 Italy evidently takes her part in the 
 Triple Alliance In a Baltimore plat- 
 foim sen.se. 
 
 Their press-agents tell of the intense 
 artistic rivalry between Gaby ijeslys 
 and Gertie Hoffman. Shucks! Mary 
 Garden outstrips them both. 
 
 * • « 
 
 Rustem Bey, the new Turkish min- 
 ister, declined to talk — another oyster 
 ^^y, so to speak. 
 
 Probably Colombia facetiously refers 
 fo that .$25,000,000 as canalimony. 
 
 \'i]la and Carranza are now ready 
 to bury the hatchet, each having se- 
 lected a suitable spot in the other's 
 head. 
 
 Hon. John Lind must have a fellow 
 feeling for the unspeakable Turk. 
 
 That new play, "Our Wives," must 
 be crowded with speaking parts. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Mr. Hearst will hear with delight 
 that Looney, N. M., has changed its 
 name to Woodrow. 
 
 What a splendid thing it would be 
 if when we lose our tempers we couldn't 
 find 'em again ! 
 
 Sometimes we sit and wonder how 
 long Diogenes would manage to keep 
 his lantern in New York. 
 
 The new Governor-General of Can- 
 ada is a Grand Commander of the 
 Bath, thus queering him irretrievably 
 with North Carolina. 
 
 * * • 
 Little Georgie got the axe ; 
 
 Hit wee Rose some awful cracks; 
 Piffled Pa cried "Little pet (hie), 
 
 He always was SO energetic!" 
 
 • • • 
 
 On the Tarheel stump, oration and 
 
 expectoration are synonymous terms. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Colombia probably doesn't agree that 
 it is more blessed to give than to re- 
 ceive. 
 
 Two thousand Germans reported 
 drowned near Warsaw. Luckily, our 
 Poland water isn't that dangerous. 
 
102 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Germany seems to have played the 
 
 deuce when she led the king. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The miserable Buffalo News man, 
 who evinces a curiosity to "see a Dem- 
 ocrat stuffed," is hereby cordially in- 
 vited to spend Thanksgiving day with 
 
 us. 
 
 * « « 
 
 All is not yet lost. The New York 
 Sun's forecast of the congressional 
 election says that South Carolina will 
 probably elect a Democratic Senator. 
 
 « tt * 
 
 One of the most gigglish features of 
 modern politics is the way Woodrow 
 Wilson can make Congress do about 
 everything he wants 'em to and close 
 the session by telling 'em of his high 
 admiration for the magnificent self-re- 
 liance and unyielding independence 
 they have displayed, sending 'em home 
 swelling with self-complacency and 
 
 firmly believing every word of it. 
 « * * 
 We don't blame the Greenville Pied- 
 mont a bit for working tooth and toe- 
 nail for that Iron Cross, just as we 
 are striving in our humble way to at- 
 tract the attention of King George and 
 maybe get the Order of the Okra, but 
 we do think it should occasionally slip 
 in some favorable news about the al- 
 lies, such as the fact, for instance, that 
 Winston Churchill used to be a news- 
 paper man. 
 
 » • • 
 
 A Crushing Retort. 
 (From the Lamar, Mo., Democrat.) 
 We asked a trombone player the oth- 
 er day if he could mention a single 
 great man who, when he was a youth, 
 played in the village band. He 
 scratched his head and pondered for 
 several minutes. No, he could not 
 think of one. Then he asked us if we 
 could name one of the signers of the 
 Declaration of Independence who ever 
 ran a country newspaper. 
 
 We suppose you have noticed that a 
 bad egg is usually broke. 
 
 The greatest malady among women 
 folks is the ear-to-mouth disease. 
 
 The one best bet is that the Iron 
 Cross will never get to Charing Cross. 
 
 What those Tarheel mountain coun- 
 ties want is a place in the moon. 
 » * » 
 Our idea of a telling situation is 
 when a bunch of women get together. 
 * « « 
 No European press agent has been 
 killed yet, but if he had been he'd lie 
 
 stUl. 
 
 « • » 
 
 The German gospel according to St. 
 Nietzsche : "You have heard that man 
 hath said. Blessed are the peacemak- 
 ers, but I say unto you. Blessed are the 
 warmakers, for they shall be called, if 
 not children of Jehovah, then children 
 of Odin (the war god of the north), 
 and Odin is greater than Jehovah." 
 « * » 
 
 The Lion at Heligoland, August 21, 
 
 1914. 
 They told us he was toothless, and 
 they jeered. 
 Pointing derisive fingers at his cave ; 
 "There lies he, blind, impotent ; 
 what can save 
 Your senile sire, unfriended, lone, un- 
 f eared?" 
 
 It i^ * tf * * 
 
 A twilight sea, where thick the smoke- 
 wraiths cling. 
 And mantle pityingly the mottled 
 
 deeps ; 
 From out the crimson heart of hell 
 there creeps 
 A shattered cruiser, like a wounded 
 thing. 
 
 And five are sinking, and the rest are 
 fled 
 Home to their friendly harbor, 
 
 fanged and rent ; 
 And from the harbor sighs the low 
 lament 
 Of Prussia mourning for her sailor 
 dead. 
 
 We that love peace, not slaughter, Eng- 
 land's sons 
 Soul-linked across three thousand 
 
 miles of sea 
 Know thy Cause just — once more for 
 liberty 
 Strike home with all the thunders of 
 thy guns! 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 103 
 
 At any rate, the heathen in his 
 blindness doesn't bow down to Krupp 
 
 and Maxim. 
 
 « « « 
 
 We imagine that when a new Rus- 
 sian town needs a name, they get the 
 
 Czar to sneeze. 
 
 * » « 
 
 Parisians denounce bomb-dropping as 
 a sin. Well, the sin will be on their 
 
 own heads. 
 
 » • » 
 
 European soldiers get only a few 
 cents a day, but we suppose the avia- 
 tors get space rates. 
 
 Hon. Dick Rudolph asserts that the 
 Athletics are "free-swingers." Well, he 
 and Bill James ought to know. 
 
 Governor Glynn is a newspaper edi- 
 tor, but sometimes Whitman must make 
 
 him feel like the devil. 
 
 » * • 
 
 Boy, Page A. Comstock. 
 The maids of Borneo are brown 
 And only dress by halves ; 
 The skirts they wear are very short, 
 And plainly show their elbows. 
 
 — Columbia State. 
 
 The maids of Borneo are brown, 
 They do not fear the breeze ; 
 The skirts they wear are very scant. 
 And plainly show their shoulders. 
 
 — Cincinnati Enquirer. 
 
 The maids of Borneo are brown, 
 They dress like Easter eggs ; 
 The skirts they wear are quite in style. 
 And plainly show their necks ! 
 
 — Gentle Reader, Wilmington, N. C. 
 
 • » ♦ 
 
 A stitch in time may save a ragged 
 
 Belgian. 
 
 « « » 
 
 War is also what Sherman said for 
 the babies of patriotic English parents. 
 Imagine reading in an English paper 
 twenty-five years hence something like 
 this : "Petrograd Jones, the well 
 known young barrister of Liverpool, is 
 visiting relatives here." "Mr. and Mrs. 
 Przemysl Stiggins are spending a few 
 days at Brighton." "Among those pres- 
 ent were Messrs. J. Joflfre Ponsonby, 
 Alsne Smith-White, Belgrade Smithers 
 and Paris Green." 
 
 Dollar diplomacy looks pretty good to 
 
 Belgium just now. 
 
 « • » 
 
 Of course, Hon. Jim Mann hasn't up 
 and said in so many words that the 
 tariff was really responsible for that 
 Turin earthquake, but he knows what 
 
 he knows. 
 
 * * • 
 
 The estimable Marietta (O.) Regis- 
 ter-Leader declares that in saying that 
 Sherman burned and sacked Columbia, 
 The State paper proves itself a "poor 
 forgetter." The subject is not one that 
 we like to harp on, contemporary, but 
 there are some things it's darned hard 
 
 to forgive and forget. 
 
 « « » 
 
 From news furnished by the official 
 information bureau of the British 
 army, as published on October 24th in 
 the Boston Transcript : 
 
 "Nevertheless, the enemy in front of 
 us is fighting well and skilfully." 
 
 "An incident which occurred October 
 13th shows the resources and bravery 
 of some of the enemy's scouts." 
 
 "The tendency of the Germans to 
 rely on their splendid war material." 
 
 It was Herr Mencken, the Baltimore 
 Evening Sun's "Free Lance" who said 
 the other day, in the course of his daily 
 tirade against the English, that under 
 no circumstances have the allies given 
 out anything favorable to or commen- 
 datory of their brave foes. If a news- 
 paper must be offensively unneutral, it 
 should not hold itself up to ridicule by 
 publishing statements that the most 
 casual investigation proves utterly un- 
 true. 
 
 « * « 
 
 This is Soft for Him. 
 "Contribs," thus spake the Old Colonel, 
 "You may frolic today in this jolonel; 
 
 And, friends, just believe me, 
 
 You sure do relieve me. 
 
 Of a whole lot of worry infolonel !" 
 
 * * * 
 
 We suppose the suffs insist on an- 
 nouncing that the South is in the side- 
 saddle. 
 
 » » » 
 
 There is a suspicion that in calling 
 his soldiers brothers, Wilhelm merely 
 cozens 'em. 
 
104 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Dr. Bernard Deruburg announces 
 that Germany will not annex Canada. 
 It is also thought that Haiti has given 
 up its nefarious designs upon Russia. 
 
 The pocket wireless may be a great 
 invention, but it certainly seems super- 
 fluous with so many women in this 
 world. 
 
 London meets our idea of the centre 
 of gravity. 
 
 As we understand it, England is 
 hitching its wagon to a tar. 
 
 The whippoorwill would seem to be 
 an appropriate emblem for the allies. 
 
 We rather approve the practice of 
 dubbing legislators "solons." It puts 
 them in a good humor and gives the 
 people something to snicker at, and 
 goodness knows there's precious little 
 
 these dismal times. 
 
 • « * 
 
 Mr. Bryan is naturally a bit husky 
 in these corn belt speeches. 
 
 It's a paradox of politics, how often a 
 straight ticket is crooked. 
 
 Well, thank goodness, Caine and 
 Cowan have thus far spared us the ob- 
 servation that hundreds of Scotch sol- 
 diers were found among the kilt. 
 
 The Czar must feel pretty much like 
 penalizing Przmysl for holding. 
 
 • « » 
 
 IVs a Mystery to Him. 
 When a fellow gets peeved with a 
 newspaper and stops taking it, he never 
 can understand how it manages to 
 shuffle along day after day without any 
 sign whatever of suspending publica- 
 tion. 
 
 • • • 
 
 When Tosti Turned Over in His Grave. 
 (From the Tolk County, (N. C.) 
 News.) 
 The solo "Tolstoy's Goodbye to Sum- 
 mer." sung by Mrs. S. C. Mockel. the 
 leading soprano of St. Luke's cathe- 
 dral, Atlanta, Ga., was very beautiful. 
 
 "Germans Repulsed on Coast.— Head- 
 line. Oh, frabjous day ! Calloo ! Calais ! 
 we chortle in our joy. 
 
 Europe's army of the unemployed 
 could find some big openings in French 
 and Belgian cathedrals. 
 
 The prophet said in his haste that all 
 men are Petrograd correspondents. 
 
 What does Germany call those belli- 
 cose professors — the brainsturm? 
 
 The European Socialist idea, we take 
 it, is that divine right should be left. 
 
 "Italy Gives Up Meat." — Headline. 
 
 See Naples and diet ! 
 
 * * * 
 
 What gentle souls Attila and Gen- 
 ghis Khan must have been ! 
 
 « «■ « 
 
 AVe suppose the way the bespect- 
 acled music-hall artists in Boston sing 
 it is. "It is a circuitous journey to Tip- 
 
 perary." 
 
 ♦ * * 
 
 Paris reports indicate that the Tur- 
 cos still have a shade on the enemy. 
 
 When one woman says another is "as 
 pretty as a picture." she usually adds 
 
 under her breath, "hand-painted." 
 » » • 
 Holland may experience some diffl- 
 culty in keeping her neutrality on 
 straight. 
 
 Here's one for Herren. Patton, Cowan 
 and Caine, the celebrated Tarheel 
 daffydil trio : If the British lose South 
 Africa, what will the Zulus? 
 
 Too Bad. 
 We've read the latest pome 
 Of Colonel Rudyard Kip ; 
 Alas ! alas ! once more, alas ! 
 
 For Rudyard's lost his grip. 
 
 « « « 
 Will General DeWet turn out to be 
 the old Dutch cleanser? 
 
 Why doesn't Queen Victoria, of 
 
 Spain, quit her kidding? 
 « • « 
 A prominent leader on the other side 
 is always a henchman. 
 
 WJio Says the English Have No Sense 
 of Humor? 
 (From the London Times.) 
 They have at last forced Mr. Roose- 
 velt to talk. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 105 
 
 The South would do much better in 
 the saddle if it did not use the spur of 
 the moment so liberally. 
 
 Germany is willing? to do anything 
 under the sun for a place in it. 
 
 Speaking of "travel slips," it's hard 
 
 to beat the well-known banana peel. 
 
 » • • 
 
 Our personal experience is that 
 money may talk, but it isn't English. 
 
 England, with all thy censors, we 
 love thee still. 
 
 Our notion of untold wealth is an 
 income-tax dodger's. 
 
 We see by the papers that that emi- 
 nent hussy, Ann Archy, has returned to 
 Mexico. 
 
 One of the humors of the situation 
 is the way a fellow who hasn't set foot 
 in a church for ten years will wax 
 wrathful when the Germans nick a 
 
 cathedral or two. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Probably the loss of her wardrobe 
 didn't give Mary Garden a cold, as 
 she's always wrapped up in herself. 
 
 Our notion of zero in con.solation is 
 a standpat paper pointing out that 
 Woodrow Wilson is a minority Presi- 
 dent. 
 
 « * » 
 
 "Fashionalile women," says a New 
 York authority, "are flat-busted." So 
 are a lot of men who aren't at all fash- 
 ionable. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Guinness's brewery employees offer 
 to form a regiment. They claim they 
 could put up a stout resistance. 
 
 Human nature probably being just 
 about the same then as it is now, if 
 no more so, we suppose that when 
 the ancient Romans read in The Daily 
 Forum where old Hannibal had licked 
 the socks off 'em at Cannae they said 
 confidently that it was only another 
 one of the subsidized press's lies, and 
 proceetled to write anonymous letters 
 to the editor, informing him at some 
 detail all about his ancestry, present 
 mode of life and future destination. 
 
 Old Philander Knox criticising Wood- 
 row Wilson is like a horse-fly trying to 
 sting the pyramid of Ghizeh. 
 
 Somebody has unearthed a cradle in 
 which Former President Cleveland was 
 rocked, presenting it to a memorial 
 home. It only remains to discover the 
 teething ring that contribiitcMl to T. It.'s 
 dental cquiiJUicnt. 
 
 Why Not Try Your Luck Here? 
 Shad, Cal. 
 Finney, Ky. 
 Anglin, Wash. 
 Trout, N. C. 
 Hooks, Ala. 
 Line, Ark. 
 Bass, Ind. 
 Perch River, N. Y. 
 Mullet, Miss. 
 Fish, Ga. 
 
 I met a i)olitician, 
 
 Of greetings he was chary ; 
 He passed me by with a frosty eye — 
 
 This was in January. 
 
 I met a politician, 
 
 The same, on one hot noon ; 
 He bade me stand and he wrung my 
 hand — 
 
 For this, you see, was June. 
 
 » # • 
 
 The Slayers. 
 When one man slays another in a fit 
 Of rage, they straightway haul him 
 
 to the pen ; 
 There may have been some fancied 
 cause for it, 
 But that poor plea won't get him out 
 again'.* 
 When one man slays ten thousand in 
 cold blood, 
 And leaves ten thousand murders 
 unredressed. 
 And nips a myriad young lives in the 
 bud. 
 They r>in some shiny medals to his 
 breast ; 
 And, though he be a scoundrel worse 
 
 than Nero, 
 Yell themselves hoarse, and hail him 
 as a hero. 
 
 ♦South Carolina, of course, excepted. 
 
106 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 If. as the German c lianoellor de- 
 clares, this is "a life and death strug- 
 gle between Teuton and Slav," why 
 was Germany so willing to tie up in 
 alliance with Anstria-llungai-y whose 
 Slav population is over two-tifths? 
 
 Some men's particular friends are 
 
 evidently not very particular. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Yet ^y€ Have Ploitij of 'Em. 
 One way to dodge trouble is to keep 
 your mouth shut. But who loves a 
 
 spineless cactus? 
 
 « • » 
 
 Teddii Dotes on That Kind. 
 T. R. has given the glad hand 
 
 To that Castilian twain; 
 One put the ma in Madrid, and 
 
 One put the pa in Spain. 
 
 Sad Mishap at Ornim. 
 (Orrum Corr. Fremont, N. C, Mes- 
 senger.) 
 Mrs. A. T. Lawsou was sitting on 
 the porch at home, near here, when 
 an old setting hen. of her's. tlew off 
 the nest and in her eagerness to get 
 to the nest struck her foot gainst the 
 fence and broke her leg. It is improv- 
 ing. 
 
 With all the men milliners called 
 into active service, there is no reason 
 in the world why the French ranks 
 should not be well dressed. 
 « « * 
 
 It's a sad story, mates. If the dukes 
 and counts are kilkxl off, our heiresses 
 may be reducetl to having to marry 
 
 just ordinary Americans. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Our Contemporaries. 
 (The Springfield Republican.) 
 Always reliable and always sane. 
 Calm, wise, judicial, temperate, 
 stately, staid. 
 About one-tenth of heart and nine of 
 brain — 
 Some think it is the best newspaper 
 made. 
 
 We don't know who those Nervii 
 were that Caesar overcame, but the 
 name suggests that they were the orig- 
 inal calamity-howlers. 
 
 "Are we as beautiful as the an- 
 cients'?" inquires the New Orleans 
 States. Well, perhaps you surpass 
 Diogenes, Tyrtaeus and Socrates, but 
 we are inclined to suspect that prob- 
 ably Apollo and GanyuuHle had a little 
 sump'u on you. 
 
 Whi/ Ye Ed. Left Town. 
 (From the Garnett, Mo., Review.) 
 Horse disease has already reached 
 Anderson county. J. J. O'Mara and 
 
 George Woodruff are affected. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Some Man! 
 (From the Miami, Fla., Metropolis.) 
 Wanted — Man who dug well on 
 Frier place with Roman nose will 
 please return pocketbook and no ques- 
 tions will be asketi. 
 « « • 
 
 The Chattanooga Times says that 
 the wild women are not heart-breakers. 
 Nope ; but they certainly excel as head- 
 breakers. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Try the Front Yard. 
 (From the estimable News and Cou- 
 rier.) 
 A respectable colored woman wants 
 
 a place to wash. 
 
 * ♦ » 
 
 The new guns designed for use 
 against aeroplanes may yet disprove 
 the old adage that you can't keep a 
 
 good man down. 
 
 « « « 
 
 As our friend. Josephus Daniels, is 
 fond of announcing in the Raleigh 
 News and Observer. "North Carolina 
 sits at the head of the Table." One 
 reason is that it lets its Senators and 
 
 Representatives keep their seats. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 There seems to be some apprehen- 
 sion that Kermifs wetlding won't go 
 off without a hitch. 
 
 That Aero club committee which is 
 charting the air routes is probably 
 working at space rates. 
 
 New Haven "came down." Its trunk 
 was too rotten to permit it to stand 
 even against a zephyr of the law. 
 
 Wilhelm seems to be a lot stronger- 
 on initiative than referendum. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 107 
 
 It will be wholly superfluous for this 
 French general, Paul Marie Cesar 
 Gerald Pau, to make a name for him- 
 self. 
 
 « « « 
 
 "Foreign Cheese Prices Soar." And 
 
 Abou Ben Edam leads all the rest. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Cato the Censor couldn't have had 
 
 much on this English chap. 
 
 « • « 
 
 Tom Edison's reiteration that he 
 sleeps only two or three hours a night 
 discloses the fact that he must have 
 one of these back fences, too. 
 
 It's high time the thread trust was 
 
 rewound. 
 
 • • • 
 
 It was probably the absence of one 
 vowel in his name that kept Mr. Bil- 
 lard, of New Haven acumen, from 
 posing as the perfect type of American 
 
 ivory. 
 
 » « * 
 
 When Albert Edward arrives, he 
 should by all means meet our own 
 Prince of Wails, James R. Mann. 
 
 Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
 
 spiked helmet. 
 
 « • * 
 
 As a general thing, a cause is much 
 oftener ruinetl by its fool friends than 
 
 its clever foes. 
 
 • » » 
 
 A man will spend half the after- 
 noon cackling over those awful whop- 
 pers from Petrograd, and then go home 
 and tell friend wife in his most solemn 
 and convincing manner that he will be 
 obliged to sit up with a sick friend 
 
 that night. 
 
 « • « 
 
 Columbia's only malady Is growing 
 pains; but Charleston is always suf- 
 fering with joint trouble. 
 
 • « • 
 
 Young men who wed during this 
 June season will discover that it is the 
 first of a series of bridle seasons for 
 them. 
 
 O Mars, what rimes are committed 
 in thy name ! 
 
 Pennsylvania's Progressive party 
 platform pronounces Penrose para- 
 mount problem. 
 
 Have you noticed how that dear old 
 word "militant" has gone out of the 
 use oratorical since Mrs. Pankhurst 
 
 appropriated it? 
 
 • « • 
 
 In this age of fraud, it's pleasant to 
 reflect that the Liberty Bell is all it's 
 cracked up to be. 
 
 Judging by Mexico and Ilayti, some 
 of our foreign relations are blood rela- 
 tions. 
 
 • • • 
 
 "A.sserts 10,000 Males Could Have 
 Been Killed in l'.il3 Without Detri- 
 ment." At first glance, we thought 
 some ultra-earnest suffragette was 
 talking, but investigation revealed that 
 the reference was merely to Alaskan 
 
 .seals. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A Postal Guide Comedy. In Seven 
 Reels. 
 Lovelady, Texas. 
 Spoonvilje, California. 
 
 Bridal Veil. Oregon. 
 Groom, MlsJsouri. 
 
 Goodnight, Oklahoma. 
 
 Wrangell, Alaska. 
 
 Scrap, Texas. 
 
 Olive Branch, Illinois. 
 
 Peace, A.labama. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Probably Cap'n Hobson's first utter- 
 ance on arriving at the pearly gates 
 
 will be a stern demand for mileage. 
 
 • « « 
 
 A Congressman compares Bryan to 
 Gaby Deslys, and, of course, some mis- 
 erable G. O. P. linotyper had to make 
 it "Gabby." 
 
 • • • 
 
 Probably the German paragraphers 
 refer to every alleged Russian atrocity 
 as an knoutrage. 
 
 • • » 
 
 "We all have our little faults," as 
 Mrs. Malaprop would remark, "there- 
 fore we should overlook the armadillos 
 of others." 
 
108 
 
 POEMS AXP PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Wo oxptvt any uuniunit to hoar that 
 Oonuany has dtvlai\Hi a boyiott 
 asTJiiiis't Jap-alao. 
 
 Judges havo soiuothiui: on jurios. 
 The latter are him;; in every State, anil 
 the fiu'uier only u\ etliixy. 
 
 It must be adniittixl that if Japan 
 is iutriguius: for Maiiilalena l>ay. it is 
 a base intrigue. 
 
 A pair out canoeing 
 
 To change seats essayi\i. 
 
 And these are the bubbles 
 
 O O 
 
 O O 
 
 O c^ 
 
 O e> 
 
 That sinking they made. 
 
 — Hoston Transcript. 
 A pair of prize lighters 
 Swapptxi rights to the eye. 
 And these are the planets 
 
 Ketributive justice averages up 
 pretty well in this old world, after all. 
 The mau who has a phonograph gen- 
 erally has a next-<loor neighbor who 
 owns a cat. 
 
 A moratorium, we take it. means 
 that a country needn't settle up until 
 it settles down. 
 
 If speech is silver. Rob La Follette 
 is the right man to ask to change a 
 
 bill. 
 
 * * * 
 
 We judge from I'ncle Cannon's 
 latest remarks on the tariff that he 
 still thinks a thing of duty is a joy 
 
 forever. 
 
 • • • 
 
 "KoU on. thou dark blue ocean, roll !" 
 
 Is what tlie poet bid : 
 You never would believe it. but 
 
 It did ! 
 
 riiey saw bye and bye. 
 
 rrobably it is ntxxiless to remark 
 that the baby a Gei^rgia couple has 
 
 uamtHl "Silence" is a boy. 
 
 * * • 
 
 Of cHHirse. if there were a nobility 
 in this ctnmtry. every aviator would 
 be called "Your Highness." 
 
 We see by the papers that German 
 troops have entertxi Itussia and cap- 
 
 turtxl a hiss and a ciniple of sneezes. 
 
 * • » 
 
 M. Paul Bourget dei'lares that "lit- 
 erature is not life." No. Frequently 
 
 it is not even a living. 
 
 * * • 
 
 "Women. Scantily Glad. Flee From 
 Rlai'.ing Tenement." — Headline. 
 
 Thank goodness, they had time to 
 
 get on their street clothes I 
 
 * • • 
 
 The heathen Turk, sanionically : 
 "Alnuv<t thou persuadest me to be a 
 Christian I" 
 
 yi. Clemenceau sa>-s Wilhelm is "an- 
 other Nero." Alsa*.v-lA^rraine is will- 
 ing to vouch that he's a seizor's son. 
 
 Don't Mention It. Old Socks. 
 Sings a Smart Set ^hHo : 
 
 "Spurn me with one of thy ftvt. 
 
 Now." 
 Au^'thing to oblige. Turn around. 
 
 please. 
 
 * • • 
 
 The Vcrij First. 
 The first iKX^t to foreshadow the mili- 
 tant movement was James liyder Ran- 
 dall, author of "Maryland. My Mary- 
 land." Don't you remember "She 
 
 breathes, she burns'?" 
 
 • • • 
 
 Doesn't This Look Finef 
 
 (Onr guess as to the cvmvx^sition of 
 the next Cabinet if the G. O. V. comes 
 back.) 
 
 Nelson W. Aldrich — Treasury. 
 
 Simon Guggenheim — Interior. 
 
 Senator l>upont — War. 
 
 Joseph B. Foraker — State. 
 
 Boies Fenrost^^ — CommervV. 
 
 Henry B. Joy — Labor. 
 
 Chamvllor Day — Postmaster General. 
 
 William Barnes. Jr.— Attorney Gen- 
 eral. 
 
 William I.orimer — Agrieultxire. 
 
 James R. Mann— Navy. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 109 
 
 1009 Must Be Qvtting Along in Years 
 
 Now. 
 
 (From the Washington Star.) 
 
 The c'hiss of 1J)07 had a camel and a 
 
 sign reading "This is no psychological 
 
 reunion," and 1009 had a manikin 
 
 labeled Huerta. 
 
 Fa m c. 
 Rip: "When is a book great?" 
 Rap : "When it says what you think 
 on some vital question, and what you 
 cannot understand on a matter of 
 
 which you know nothing. — D. 
 
 « » * 
 
 Thei/ Seeurc Our Angora. 
 "American dialect" in the English pa- 
 pers. 
 
 "Negro dialect" in the Northern pa- 
 pers. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The Negligible Bride. 
 
 (Hillgirt Corr. Western Carolina 
 
 Democrat.) 
 
 Mr. Mark Flynn got married last 
 
 week and we wish him and her a long 
 
 and happy life. 
 
 « • » 
 
 Aye, Aye. 
 Don't squander too much sympathy 
 when she says that she has had a try- 
 ing day. The allusion may have been 
 merely to an extended sesh with the 
 dressmaker. 
 
 Their Favorite FTaunts. 
 When you start looking for some 
 politicians' footprints on the sands of 
 time, steer for the mudholes first. 
 
 Other Lands Than Ours — No. 1. 
 In Senegambia when it's hot 
 
 The folks don't wear an awful lot ; 
 In fact, they say those shameless rum- 
 mies 
 
 Immodestly expose their ankles. 
 
 « * • 
 
 Botanieal Celebrities. 
 Donie Bush 
 Elihu Root 
 Beerbolim Tree 
 William of Wied 
 Herb Moran 
 Morton F. Plant 
 Ivy Wiugo 
 Joe Wood 
 "Rebel Oakes. 
 
 It Might Be Worse. 
 W^hen things are darkest vpith you, 
 friend, and all the world is gloomy, 
 just reflect that you might be a June 
 bridegroom and have to eat her bis- 
 cuits. 
 
 "There's a Reason." 
 "Fog At Last Lifts Off English 
 
 Channel." — Headline. 
 
 "Colonel Roosevelt Leaves England 
 
 for Home." — Headline. 
 
 Holiday Burgs. 
 Rest, Kans. 
 Retreat, Ga. 
 Kool, Wyo. 
 Comfort, W. Va. 
 Happy, N. C. 
 Paradise, Ariz. 
 
 Vacation, Cal. 
 
 « tt » 
 
 This Ought to Make 'em Squeal. 
 (From the Chester News.) 
 Young men just out of college with 
 
 your pigskins. 
 
 » « » 
 
 That Explains It. 
 (Panther Creek Corr. Waynesville, N. 
 C. Courier.) 
 I noticed in the last paper that Mr. 
 Vaughn Arrington and Mr. Robert 
 Messer had made flying trips up Pan- 
 ther Creek. I don't see how they made 
 a flying trip up there for there is not 
 any train that runs that way, and it 
 is so rough that an automobile can't go 
 up there. I guess the boys went up in 
 
 an air ship. 
 
 • » • 
 
 Our Contemporaries. 
 (The Cincinnati Enquirer.) 
 Flippant, slangy, breezy, 
 
 Fond of headlines bloated, 
 Luke McLuke's bright colyum 
 
 Keeps it always quoted. 
 
 « » « 
 
 Thirteen Months Old Soup Seems Just 
 A Bit Venerable for Baby. 
 (From the Immortal Statepaper.) 
 Mrs. J. F. R. writes : "Will you 
 
 please tell me if it is advisable to give 
 
 a baby 13 months old soup made from 
 
 bouillon cubes? 
 
 A Modern Standard. 
 A man is also known by the piano- 
 player rolls he buys. 
 
110 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The Scientist Should Have Thought. 
 
 (A Loudou scientist says that prim- 
 itive woman could not cooli.) 
 To contravert this fool contention 
 
 We could at length, but what's the 
 use? 
 So we'll content ourself to mention 
 
 How neatly Eve cooked Adam's 
 
 goose. 
 
 » « « 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Some criminal lawyers are. 
 
 * « • 
 
 The Wilson Brands: 
 Sani-tea. 
 Prosperi-tea. 
 Tranquilli-tea. 
 Populari-tea. 
 Sagaci-tea. 
 Abili-tea. 
 Veraci-tea. 
 Morali-tea. 
 Sinceri-tea. 
 Humani-tea. 
 
 and 
 
 The Eucria Brands: 
 Rascali-tea. 
 Iniqui-tea. 
 Barbari-tea. 
 Inebrie-tea, 
 Mendaci-tea. 
 Rapaci-tea. 
 Stupidi-tea. 
 Duplici-tea. 
 
 Atroci-tea. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Some Candidate, Likely. 
 (From the Pee Dee Daily.) 
 WILD MAN ON WAY 
 
 TO BENNETTSVILLE. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Some Shrug! 
 (From the New York American.) 
 Holt shrugged his broad shoulders 
 
 and his teeth. 
 
 * « » 
 
 They're Coining Back. 
 Paris dispatches indicate that the 
 new fashion cheer will begin, "Hip! 
 Hip !" 
 
 Ercriidny Whoppers: 
 "So glad to have met you." 
 "Call and see us some time." 
 "Sorry, but I just lent Blank my 
 last fiver." 
 
 "Send no money. This offer is ab- 
 solutely free." 
 
 "We're just out of that." 
 
 "It's the principle of the thing, not 
 the money." 
 
 "Our side lost, but we won a Great 
 Moral Victory." 
 
 "Money always burned a hole in my 
 pocket." 
 
 "When I was young, children never 
 
 did such things." 
 
 • • • 
 
 Why Not Advertise in Charlotte? 
 
 (From the Cleveland Leader.) 
 
 WANTED— Twenty laborers right 
 
 away, mostly Vulgarians. 
 
 » « « 
 
 A Forward-looking Divine. 
 Last Sunday a Michigan City (Ind.) 
 pastor made the following announce- 
 ment : "Next Sunday will be Chil- 
 dren's Day, and if there are any chil- 
 dren to be baptized, or if any of you 
 know of people who may have chil- 
 dren, will you kindly communicate with 
 
 me." 
 
 • * • 
 
 Would be Jtist Like the Wretch. 
 We shudder with a great fear that 
 
 One wild-eyed Tarheel crony 
 Is going to say that the yoimg man 
 
 Kermitted matrimony. 
 
 • • * 
 
 Atid Echo Thunders "Where?" 
 And Where's the old-fashioned boy 
 who used to save up his coppers to buy 
 
 all-day suckers? 
 
 • • • 
 
 Everything Would he Gorgeous. 
 If Opportunity only knocked half as 
 often as importunity ! 
 
 Their Favorite Poets. 
 The baseball fan — Homer. 
 The surveyor — Bridges. 
 The cook — Lamb. 
 The housewife — Bi-oome. 
 The old "reb" — Gray. 
 The chiropodist — Bunyan. 
 The circus man — Pindar. 
 The pessimist — Crabbe. 
 The fisherman — Rowe. 
 The speed fiend — Swift. 
 The sweet girl graduate — Lover. 
 
 The militant suffragette — Burns. 
 
 « * » 
 
 You're Not Talking to Us. 
 (Ad in the Mercy ville, la.. Banner.) 
 I will get your wool every Satur- 
 day — 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 111 
 
 That Ought to Hold 'Em, Wes. 
 (Udora Corr. Uxbridge, Outario, Free 
 Press. ) 
 Parties should beware that any one 
 molestiug me on the night of my mar- 
 riage will be severely dealt with, or any 
 other time. I keep my own home and 
 am well able to take care of a wife, my 
 motto is to pay cash, and not stand 
 about the store. Signed WESLEY 
 
 CLARK, Udora. 
 
 « * • 
 
 It Must Be Sweltering In 
 Sweatman, Miss. 
 Heaters, W. Va. 
 Hothouse, Ga. 
 Fry, Ky. 
 Suucook, N. H. 
 Blaze, Ky. 
 
 Furnace, Mass. 
 
 » • • 
 
 Impossible Sayings. 
 
 "I would not advise you to pur- 
 chase these goods, madam, as they are 
 not as advertised." 
 
 "Sure, I'm agent for this car, but I 
 gotta say it's the punkest on the mar- 
 ket." 
 
 "Will you sign this subscription list, 
 sir? We want to buy a handsome lov- 
 ing cup for the umpire." 
 
 "Don't put that dollar in the plate, 
 if you please. A quarter will be am- 
 ple." 
 
 "Old man, here's that ten spot I bor- 
 rowed from you last month." 
 
 "Certainly, my dear ; invite your 
 mother to visit us for as long as she 
 likes." 
 
 "I just dropped in to tell you how I 
 admire the splendid work your paper 
 is doing." 
 
 "Mister, you dropped this pocket- 
 book just now." 
 
 « « « 
 
 The Class in Geography. 
 I've seen some funny motions. 
 Pray, Gerald, do not mock ! 
 Long, long ago, one stormy night. 
 I saw a Plymouth Rock. 
 
 — Cornell Widow. 
 
 One speaks of funny motions. 
 But hark, here's one I've found ; 
 
 While passing near the geography 
 I heard a Puget Sound. 
 
 — Minnesota Minne-ha-ha. 
 
 You speak of funny motions — 
 
 Just list to this, I pray ; 
 I heard one day not long ago 
 
 Old San Francisco bay. 
 
 — Princeton Tiger. 
 
 Of the secrets of the ocean 
 
 One hardly likes to speak ; 
 But there was some funny motion — 
 
 Or why did Chesapeake? 
 
 — Columbia Jester. 
 
 This watchful-waiting policy 
 
 Is good, without a doubt ; 
 For long ago upon the shore 
 
 I saw a Cape Lookout. 
 
 — Memphis Commercial Appeal. 
 
 To spin this whimsy out too long 
 
 I really do not care, 
 So I won't mention what one day 
 
 I saw the Delaware. 
 
 The South in the Saddle. 
 
 (From a catalogue of new dance rec- 
 ords. ) 
 "All Aboard for Dixieland." 
 "When the Midnight Choo-Choo 
 
 Leaves for Alabam'." 
 "Virginia." 
 
 "Waiting for the Robert E. Lee." 
 "There's a Girl in the Heart of 
 
 Maryland." 
 
 "On the Mississippi." 
 
 "Trail of the Lonesome Pine." 
 
 "I'm Going Back to Memphis, Tenn." 
 
 "Dixieland." 
 
 "Cotton." 
 
 "Southern Roses." 
 
 » • » 
 
 "Awake, Arise, or Be for Ever Fallen." 
 (Quinlandtown Corr. Waynesville, 
 N. C, Courier.) 
 
 Glad to say that the people at Quin- 
 landtown have sat on the stool of do 
 nothing and nodded until they let the 
 devil push them over sound asleep and 
 have slept for some time, I am glad 
 they have awoke at last to a sense of 
 
 their duty. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Not Like Other Oirls. 
 The mermaid is a funny girl, 
 Now this we know is true ; 
 She's never heard to ask a man 
 To please tie up her shoe. 
 
 — Yonkers Statesman. 
 
112 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Although she's truly in the swim, 
 
 The mermaid never flirts ; 
 She has no pesky corns to trim, 
 
 And no divided skirts. 
 
 — Youugtown Telegram. 
 
 And vphen the mermaid's dressing, she 
 
 Is never so incased 
 In steel that she must ask some one 
 
 To button up her waist. 
 
 — Johnstown Democrat. 
 
 Another of the mermaid's traits — 
 
 She never frets or blubbers, 
 When it has rained and things are 
 damp. 
 Because she's lost her rubbers. 
 
 — New York Globe. 
 
 Another trait that you must own 
 
 Is really very shocking ; 
 The mermaid never has been known 
 
 To show an inch of stocking. 
 
 « « « 
 
 A Strange New Malady. 
 ( From the Bloomington, Ind., Student. ) 
 Landis is still on the hospital list 
 with a strained tendancy. 
 
 That Joy Ride. 
 Sherry, 
 Merry. 
 
 Hill, 
 Spill. 
 
 Drape, 
 Crepe. 
 
 That River of Doubt. 
 Though Teddy raves 
 
 And rants and blows. 
 He can't produce 
 His Eskimos. 
 
 — Cincinnati Enquirer. 
 
 He needs 'em not. 
 
 Our Ted omniscient ; 
 He says he found it. 
 
 That's quite sufficient ! 
 
 "The Secret of the Germans." — Phila- 
 delphia North American. Oh, let the 
 women tell it ! 
 
 T. Roosevelt gnashes all his teeth, 
 and rears and ramps and rages ; 
 
 The war, you see, has shoved him back 
 into the inside pages. 
 
 Famous Johns. 
 Barleycorn. 
 Bull. 
 
 John, the Baker's Son. 
 Doe. 
 Lind. 
 
 D. 
 
 « « » 
 
 Can't See the Association. 
 A volume of the Encyclopedia Brit- 
 tanica is titled "ODE TO PAY." Most 
 poets maintain there's no sequence. 
 
 Where the Classics Hit .015. 
 In dark Tarheelia if you speak 
 
 Of Sappho you're looked at askance; 
 They think that Croesus means the 
 thing's 
 
 That men have in their pants. 
 
 • • » 
 
 We All Knoiv the Type. 
 The man who loudly proclaims that 
 he gives the devil his due generally 
 ends up by borrowing tobacco from him. 
 » * * 
 Tough Luck, Hop, Old Socks. 
 (From the Monroe Co., Mo., Appeal.) 
 While Uncle Hop Boweu was cele- 
 brating his 79th birthday last week his 
 wife presented him with twins, a boy 
 
 and a girl. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Be Careful Where You Throw Your 
 Necks. 
 
 (Headline in New Orleans Times-Pic- 
 ayune. ) 
 
 NECK BROKEN WHEN 
 
 THROWN INTO RIVER. 
 
 « « * 
 
 You'll Have to Forgive Us a Lot This 
 Sort of Weather. 
 Paragraphs are trooping so infre- 
 quently to the grand old typewriter to- 
 day that we were just on the point of 
 falliiig back on that reliable old vet- 
 eran, "Man proposes ; woman exposes," 
 when we remembered that we had used 
 it already about a dozen times in the 
 last six months. 
 
 He * * 
 
 The Savage Landor Coleridge Revision. 
 In Amazonia Roosevelt Khan 
 
 A stately hunting-bag did fill, 
 Where Bunk, the Doubtful River, ran 
 Through caverns quite well known to 
 man. 
 
 Swift to its goal uphill. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 113 
 
 Safest Thing on Earth. 
 "No metal can touch you," says a 
 garter ad. Remiuds us of a French 
 duel. 
 
 Cap'n Hobson Says : 
 Little drops of water, 
 Little sips of juice, 
 Friend, will never land you 
 
 In the calaboose. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Sivcet Secrets. 
 
 Untold good — kisses. 
 
 # « « 
 
 An Undesirable Citizen. 
 We wish the cops would tell him to 
 
 Leave this burg with rapidity ; 
 He is the cause of all our woe. 
 
 You know the wretch — Hugh Midity. 
 
 « * » 
 
 The Inevitable Sequence. 
 Side by side in a local bookstore win- 
 dow are "The Woman Thou Gavest 
 
 Me" and "The Hour of Conflict." 
 
 « « » 
 
 They Help Considerably. 
 Marriages may be made in heaven, 
 but it looks as if the parlor sofa and 
 the hammock ought to gee a little 
 credit. 
 
 We Didn't! 
 (Headline in New York Evening Sun.) 
 COLUMBIA'S JOY TAKES FIRE; 
 
 Drops of Water. 
 Naughty little rain drops 
 
 Make our straw hat nifty. 
 Look like something labeled : 
 Vintage 1850. 
 
 — New York Evening Sun. 
 
 Naughty little rain drops 
 
 Make our suit of linen 
 Look like we'd been getting 
 
 Something like a skinnin'. 
 
 — Youngstown Telegram. 
 
 Naughty little rain drops 
 
 Just when we are preenin' 
 In our Palm Beach suit make 
 
 The thing need a cleanin'. 
 
 — Houston Post. 
 
 Naughty little rain drops 
 
 Such as on Sunday fell, 
 Makes us cuss the sinner 
 
 Who swiped our umberell. 
 
 Why, Ruth; Ain't You 'Shamed? 
 Hon. Ruth St. Denis is a danseuse 
 of the Gertie Hoffman persuasion, but 
 she must outGertie Gertie these here 
 days, for, take it from the Chicago 
 Post, "Ruth St. Denis will show her 
 whole repertory." 
 
 Other Lands Than Ours — No. 3. 
 It must be great to be a man 
 
 In far off, languorous Japan ; 
 The wife there must fan spouse all day 
 
 While he loafs round in negligee. 
 
 A Midsummer Knight's Dream. 
 "Sir Thomas Lipton said that he 
 placed full confidence in the ability of 
 Shamrock IV to bring the America's 
 
 Cup to Great Britain." — News item. 
 
 » » » 
 
 As Shakespere Might Have Written 
 Them Today. 
 
 Sweet are the uses of advertising. 
 
 All the world's a film. 
 
 Baseball acquaints a man with 
 strange Fed. fellows. 
 
 There was never yet philosopher that 
 could endure watchful waiting patient- 
 ly. 
 
 The course of true peace never did 
 run smooth. 
 
 Discretion is the better part of Villa. 
 
 It is a wise stock that knows its own 
 par. 
 
 For in my youth I never did apply 
 hot and rebellious grape juice in my 
 blood. 
 
 She sat like Pankhurst on a monu- 
 ment. 
 
 England, bound in with the trium- 
 phant she. 
 
 * * • 
 
 Other Lands Than Ours — No. 3. 
 In China when a fellow ought 
 
 To pay his tax but fails. 
 They send him to the block — in short. 
 
 A case of head or taels. 
 
 You Bet Your Life. 
 Not that our lone vote would do him 
 much good, but Colonel ; Roosevelt 
 would get it in a jiffy if he would just 
 insist that the next bull moose plat- 
 form contain a ringing anti-okra plank. 
 
 Well, Ain't They? 
 Union cards — wedding invitations. 
 
114 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 You Might Escape the Heat in: 
 Ice, Ky. 
 Peary, Va. 
 Breezy Point, N. H. 
 Cbill^-, Ida. 
 Frost, Miiin. 
 Cold Stream. W. Va. 
 Glacier, Mont. 
 Snowball, Ark. 
 
 Zero, Ky. 
 
 • • * 
 
 The Boarders Expect It. 
 It is time for summer boarders, and 
 
 no farmer should neglect 
 To practice several hours a day on 
 
 rural dialect. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Poor Old Pop! 
 The average young mamma may be 
 the speaker of the house, but we know 
 who's floor-leader during the night ses- 
 sions. 
 
 « * * 
 
 T. R.'s Forenoon Programme Today. 
 
 6 :30 — Rise, shave, bathe and dress. 
 
 6 :o2— Breakfast. 
 
 6:35 — Motor to the palace. (Voice: 
 "But d'you reckon the king and queen 
 will be up?") They'd better be up! 
 
 6:50 — Receive their majesties in au- 
 dience. 
 
 T :00 — Work out a new foreign policy 
 for Spain. 
 
 7 :10 — Drive to inspect art galleries. 
 
 7:12— Return and tell Alfonso all 
 about that new river. 
 
 8:30— Write 2000-word address for 
 the Royal Geographical society. 
 
 9:30— Read 15,000 volumes of mod- 
 ern Spanish literature. 
 
 10:02— Go to bullfight. Most of the 
 bull to be furnished by the Colonel. 
 
 10:42 — Wade over to England and 
 choke Savage Laudor. 
 
 10 :4T — Wade bacK. 
 
 11:00 — Review the array and navy, 
 visit the Cortes, organize the Spanish 
 Ananias Club, shake hands with 345.- 
 987 people, and seriously ponder over 
 the advisability of running for king. 
 
 12 :00 — Colonel's orderly drops dead 
 
 from exhaustion. 
 
 » * « 
 
 The Difference. 
 The male humorist tells side-split- 
 ters; the female humorist wears 'era. 
 
 Whaddyc Mean, Full Outfit f 
 (Ad in the Montclair, N. J., Times.) 
 Ladies' bathing suits of the most ex- 
 quisite style ; made of wool, brillian- 
 tine silk and other materials. The full 
 outfit consists of shoes and rubber 
 
 hand bag. All sizes. 
 
 » * * 
 
 ''How's the Folks, Sif" 
 How doth the busy candidate 
 Keep always on the jump ; 
 There's scarce a hand in this broad 
 land 
 That will not get a pump. 
 
 One Exception. 
 Consistency is the one jewel that 
 very few women have any use for. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Dr. Bonn predicts a toeless age. and 
 Harvard is gladder than ever that 
 
 Charlie Brickley is alive now. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Every little donkey has a heehaw all 
 
 his own. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Got Aug 2[a-iu-Law Poison. 
 
 (From the Reedsburg, Wis., Free 
 
 Press.) 
 
 Our aunt poison drives aunts out of 
 
 the house. 10c. a package. Mueller's 
 
 Drug Store. 
 
 « * • 
 
 To the Weather Man. 
 Little drops of water. 
 Little gobs of dew. 
 Is just what you ought to 
 
 Give us P. D. Q. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 His One Limitation. 
 A clever artist chap is Hugh 
 
 Eliphalet Macbeth : 
 He can draw anything for you 
 
 Except a sober breath. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Many Canadians are literally in 
 transports over th;^ war. 
 
 He's Been There. Too. 
 "Chased by a Moose" is a current 
 "Leslie's" story that Prof. Tafr will 
 doubtless read with sympathetic mter- 
 est. 
 
 Maghe Doc Marg Walker'll Try a Pair. 
 (From the St. Joseph, Mo., News- 
 Press.) 
 For Sale— 1.000 pairs automatic 
 pants. Call 517 Edraond St. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 115 
 
 The Law Can't Oct You When You 
 Kill ji story 
 Steal a base 
 Hang a jury 
 Smother a yawn 
 Drown a sorrow 
 Shoot the chutes 
 Kick the bucket 
 Strike a bargain 
 
 Beat a game. 
 
 * • • 
 
 An Arboreal Retort. 
 
 "Ambitious twig, you'll suffer most 
 from clipping!" warned the moralist. 
 
 "If the farmer neglects his hedge, 
 watch me put these other young 
 
 sprouts in the shade." 
 
 * » « 
 
 Yep. 
 It's too late now for money to make 
 the mare go. The automobile beat it 
 
 to it. 
 
 * » • 
 
 Famous Firms. 
 (Second Reel.) 
 Heart&Soul. 
 Frills& Furbelows. 
 Fair&Warmer. 
 Fuss&Feathers. 
 ♦Law & Order. 
 Hammer»&Tongs. 
 Horse, Foot&Dragoons. 
 Thick&Thin. 
 Root&Branch. 
 Cut&Dried. 
 Sere&Yellow. 
 Touch&Go. 
 High&Dry. 
 Might&Main. 
 Tooth&Nail. 
 ■ Short&Sweet. 
 
 ♦Regret we cannot give present 
 whereabouts of this firm, it having 
 moved from South Carolina about four 
 .vears ago. 
 
 • » • 
 
 We Shotild Really Be Slapped on the 
 
 Wrist. 
 
 It was unmilitary for the Americans 
 
 to precipitate themselves on us with 
 
 such suddenness. — Gen. Gustavo Maas. 
 
 Fact. 
 One doesn't have to be a tailor to 
 take the measure of some folks. 
 
 "IF" 
 (To a Member and Adornment of the 
 
 "Femail Sect.") 
 If there could be blended 
 All the turquoise tints that stain 
 the western skies, 
 'Twould be far less splendid, 
 Love, than thine eyes. 
 
 If some attared, vagrant 
 
 Wind might waft the sweet a laden 
 queen-bee sips, 
 'Twould not seem moi-e fragrant. 
 
 Love, than thy lips. 
 
 If there were a measure 
 Glittering high with gems of pope 
 and king and Guelph, 
 'Twould be a poor treasure. 
 
 Love, to thyself! 
 
 * • • 
 
 No British reverses could be as bad 
 
 as their verses. 
 
 « « * 
 
 We suppose that the Czar's address 
 to Poland began, "Gentlemen of the 
 Jewry." 
 
 Short Lines. 
 From Pit to Dome. 
 " A to Izard. 
 " Bad to Worse. 
 " Day to Day. 
 " Time to Time. 
 " H— to Halifax. 
 Head to Foot. 
 
 Stem to Stern. 
 
 * # » 
 
 Irvin's One Drawhack. 
 A brainy man is Irvin Cobb, 
 
 The first of all our humorists, he; 
 And he is always on the job 
 
 Writing things wittily. 
 But if we owned old Irvin's mug, 
 Usthinks that we would beg or bor- 
 row 
 The price to get a brimming jug, 
 
 And straightway drown our sorrow ! 
 
 * * * 
 
 Whatever language money talks, it's 
 
 all Greek to most of us. 
 
 * » » 
 
 The Reporter's Still Running. 
 (From the Grand Rapids, Wis., Re- 
 porter. ) 
 The dog is a mongrel belonging to 
 a man named Hinner, who lives near 
 the south side mill and has a reputa- 
 tion of being an ugly brute. 
 
116 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 How'd the Cards Run, T. H.f 
 (From the Red Wing, Minn., Echo.) 
 
 Mrs. Tyrus Henry White left Sat- 
 urday for Elyria to spend some time 
 with relatives there. 
 
 Zed Rumford, Dock Anderson and 
 Will Higgins spent Saturday night and 
 Sunday with T. H. White. 
 
 Yep; We Bought a Copy on the 
 
 Strength of the Ad. 
 
 "The sort of book," blurbs A. C. 
 
 McClurg&Co., "that appears just about 
 
 once in a generation." Thank heaven ! 
 
 The Dentist. 
 The invitation sounds polite. 
 
 And yet we're full of gloom 
 Whene'er he asks us to step right 
 
 Into his drawing room. 
 
 Please Omit Tears. 
 
 (Edna Goodrich, the actress, says 
 she will never return to the United 
 States of her own free will. — News 
 Item.) 
 No more upon our Yankee boards 
 
 Will Edna languish. 
 But this dispatch, we're free to say. 
 
 Gives us no anguish. 
 
 For, while it may sound ungallant. 
 
 Candor requires 
 Agreement with the headline which 
 
 Says "Goodrich Tires." 
 
 Well, Why Not ? 
 Could you speak of these forenoon 
 
 tango affairs as morning dips? 
 
 * * * 
 
 Their Occupations : 
 The telephone girl follows a calling. 
 The horse-dealer a trade. 
 The seaman a craft. 
 The detective a pursuit. 
 The postman a walk of life. 
 
 Thrilling Statistics You May Not 
 Know : 
 Germany has 500,000 cats. 
 England has 4.000,000 dogs. 
 
 Yes. 
 The man must be 
 
 A heathen Turk 
 Who's not in love 
 
 With Billie Burke. 
 
 Our Best Sellers. 
 (H. Rider Haggard.) 
 Just mix a Zulu impi and 
 
 A treasure cavern subterrene, 
 An undiscovered Afric land, 
 
 A captive, captivating queen, 
 Some battles, and a witch or two. 
 
 Some hunting yarns adroitly spun. 
 Some loving, and a hitch or two, 
 
 And Rider Haggard's novel's done. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Quit Your Knocking! 
 Burying the hatchet is all very well, 
 but if you want to help your town the 
 thing to bury is the hammer. 
 
 Fits the Case. 
 That queer old phrase "Touch and 
 go" must have been especially invented 
 
 to describe bill-collectors. 
 
 * * • 
 
 Things You Never Hear. 
 
 "No, madam, these eggs are not very 
 fresh." 
 
 "You're sure $10 will be enough, old 
 man?" 
 
 "Let me bat again, umps ; that hit 
 was foul by a foot." 
 
 "That cigar costs more, sir, but I 
 think you will like this brand mucii 
 better." 
 
 "What an ugly baby ! Aren't you 
 ashamed to own such a little satyr?'' 
 
 "Please tell the society editor not to 
 write up my reception tonight." 
 
 "The reason I spent so much last 
 
 term, dad, was poker and booze." 
 
 « • • 
 
 Maybe the Gent, is a Ball Player. 
 (North Freedom Cor. Sank County . 
 Wis., Democrat.) 
 Thomas Jefferson went to Madison 
 and had an operation performed in 
 which he had some bones removed 
 from his head. 
 
 w « « 
 
 How Did They? 
 What always puzzled us, though, is 
 how the fool and his money ever hap- 
 pened to get together. 
 
 * « » 
 
 Nobody will regret the war more in 
 after years than the two helpless Lon- 
 don infants who have been named Al- 
 bert Leman Liege Hopkins and Ma- 
 rie Alsace Lorraine Lecomte. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 117 
 
 They Sure Are Wonders. 
 As linguists motliei's are the champs, 
 
 Just put that down as true ; 
 They know just what the little scamps 
 
 Mean when they gurgle "Goo !" 
 
 Murphy has decided to back Hearst 
 for the Democratic Senatorial nomi- 
 nation. Hearst's cartoonists used to 
 picture Murphy in convict garb and 
 Murphy has frequently flayed the yel- 
 low publisher in unprintable terms. 
 Each has an epidermis by which a 
 rhinoceros hide would seem like tis- 
 sue paper. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Them Monlceys Again! 
 (From the Amsterdam (N. Y.) News.) 
 The authorities say that the colored 
 soldiers are more suited for the go- 
 rilla like warfare, and to the tropical 
 climate than the white soldiers. 
 
 Take a Look, Willyum. 
 If Brother Alsorandolph Hearst will 
 swivel his bright blue eyes on the 
 <<)ver and pages 13-16 inclusive of the 
 current Harper's Weekly, he will find 
 there some natty little observations 
 
 rhat wUl doubtless interest him. 
 
 « « » 
 
 Where Some Ballplayers Must Hail 
 From : 
 Ivory, Mo. 
 Marblehead, Mass. 
 Boneville, Ga. 
 Concrete, Va. 
 Bullhead, S. D. 
 
 Nut, Fla. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Bote! Woiv! 
 It's too much of a puzzle for 
 
 Me, and I'm in the dark. 
 Just why a ship's a dog of war 
 
 When it is not a bark. 
 
 Tennyson's Little Joke. 
 "Better fifty years of Europe than a 
 cycle of Cathay." 
 
 « « • 
 
 Well Take Six Brunettes, Please. 
 
 A Chicago florist advertises, "June 
 brides ! We are in a position to fill 
 the largest or smallest bridal order." 
 
 Especially When a Hammock's Handy. 
 The best vacation temperature is two 
 in the shade. 
 
 Whaddye Mean, Young* 
 
 (From the Boston American.) 
 
 Congratulations are being extended 
 
 to Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Shea of South 
 
 Boston upon the birth of a young baby 
 
 girl. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Presidential Expletives. 
 The President is mUd as May 
 
 In most things, but 
 He can upon occasion say 
 "Tut-tut." 
 
 — Louisville Courier-Journal. 
 
 When much provoked he has been 
 
 heard 
 To murmur "Drat it !" 
 And once — just once — that naughty 
 
 word: 
 
 "Dod-rat it!" 
 
 » « • 
 
 Unrecorded History. 
 
 "After his audience with the king, 
 Colonel Roosevelt returned to the 
 American embassy." 
 
 "King Alfonso at once went to bed 
 
 and slept for 15 hours." 
 
 * * * 
 
 Oh, Piffle. 
 Many a time and oft we sit and won- 
 der in our mildly curious way in what 
 drawer of the weather bureau they 
 keep the sheet lightning. 
 
 An Early Pest. 
 The daffydil fiend is as old as the earth. 
 
 We are willing to bet you a hat 
 That he loafed 'round the Ark and 
 giggled in mirth : 
 
 "Now what do you Noah 'bout that?" 
 
 « « * 
 
 No. 
 The average elderly .sister doesn't 
 have to own an automobile to run down 
 people. 
 
 « « * 
 
 A Damm-Oood Match. 
 (From the Toronto Star.) 
 William Damm and Lena Good were 
 married recently at Listowel. It was 
 a good move for William, but no doubt 
 the change of name will prove rather 
 startling to Lena for a while. 
 
 The last 
 tion seems 
 fund. 
 
 German 
 to have 
 
 naval 
 been 
 
 appropria- 
 a sinking 
 
118 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "Try Americau Wines." — Headlini'. 
 We Imve, aud fouiul theiu all guilty. 
 
 A New Yoi-k actress seeks a divorce 
 merely because her spouse habitually 
 slapped her face, piuched her, knocked 
 her down aud got drunk. W^omen are 
 getting more and more exacting aud 
 
 unreasonable. 
 
 « * * 
 Wilhelm has conferred the Iron 
 Cross upon the Crown Trince, and the 
 Double Cross upon Victor Emmanuel. 
 
 Vale. 
 The wild waves call ; 
 
 In fact, they shriek — 
 So this is all 
 
 Fr'at least a week. 
 
 Our Asheville spies report that as 
 soon as it was learned that the English 
 would employ Indian troops. Elder 
 Caine laughed a fiendish laugh and 
 asked what will the Hindu. 
 
 "God has supported him most bril- 
 liantly," says the Kaiser of the Crown 
 Prince. Isn't that condescending of 
 Wilhelm ! 
 
 « • «- 
 
 Well, Every Little Helps. 
 
 (From the Lane, W\ Va., Recorder.) 
 
 Mrs. Munsau's bridge party was a 
 
 great success socially. The hostess 
 
 appeared in a large bunch of spring 
 
 violets. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Yessir ! 
 (No. 2.) 
 "Blow, blow, thou winter wind," the 
 pote 
 Once wrote. 
 And (though this will astonish you). 
 It blew! 
 
 J'robablij. 
 The author of "America" coiildn't 
 have penned it in the more or less 
 good old summer time, or he'd have 
 written it "Land where my father.s 
 fried." 
 
 Affinities. 
 The Easle to the Mountain. 
 
 The River to the Se-i ; 
 The Milkrann to the Fountain. 
 
 And the Sheckels to Johndee ! 
 
 A Great Truth. 
 Presents also make the heart grow 
 fonder. 
 
 More Gcographieal Notables. 
 Mme. Nevada. 
 Joe Holland. 
 Clyde Milan. 
 Edith Helena. 
 Dean Worcester. 
 Stanley Waterloo. 
 
 George Randolph Chester. 
 
 « « » 
 
 Here's a Free Ad. for Woodrow. 
 Dr. Tut-Tut's Little Mediation Pills. 
 At All Druggists. One Dose Does The 
 Work. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Journalistic Candor. 
 IT TAKES GAS TO RUN A PAPER. 
 
 — Headline in the Ocala (Fla.) Star. 
 
 Sounds Like a Good Reason. 
 (Adv. in the Wheeling Register.) 
 Because of my recent death, I will 
 
 sell all the stock and fixtures of my 
 
 store. J. Beuzig. 
 
 Why Do We Say: 
 Bald as a coot? 
 Strong as an ox? 
 Full as a goat? 
 Rude as a bear? 
 Busy as a bee? 
 Gay as a lark? 
 Merry as a cricket? 
 Pale as a ghost? 
 Safe as a bank? 
 Warm as a toast? 
 
 Sick as a dog? 
 
 * « « 
 
 // so. Let Him Join the Vamoose 
 
 Party. 
 Breathes there a man with soul so 
 dead. 
 Who never to himself hath said : 
 "Let Savage Laudor rant and roar 
 
 I'll stand by grand old Theodore." 
 
 « « * 
 
 Better Quit It, FclloiPs! 
 (From the Albany. 111.. Review.) 
 Notice— "Bill" Smith desires the 
 Review to warn all people against 
 gambling on his love affairs. It makes 
 him peevish and he threatens to prose- 
 cute. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 119 
 
 The Albany Herald says one baby is 
 born in Germany every 16 seconds. 
 
 He must find it very tiresome. 
 
 * • » 
 
 Hellup ! 
 Some of the stars we've seen danc- 
 ing the new "twinkle" might well be 
 a little meteor. 
 
 Uh, Huh. 
 Through Cupid's wiles some women 
 wed, 
 Others because they're lonely ; 
 Some marry for protection's sake, 
 
 And some for revenue only. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Some Improvement. 
 On the front page we'll try to bear 
 
 The Colonel's jaw ; 
 For, anyway, he's better there 
 
 Than Harry Thaw. 
 
 « * » 
 
 Mercy I 
 Though he told us what Juliet, 
 
 Fair Avon's bard passed up a bet ; 
 Now we shall never, never know 
 
 Exactly whom did Romeo. 
 
 Somewhere T. R. is speaking. 
 
 « * w 
 
 Sartorial Note. 
 The women's chorus, "O, Maidens 
 Fair," displayed a pretty elasticity. — 
 
 Spartanburg Festival item. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Bibulous Burgs. 
 Steins, New Mexico. 
 Booz. Tenn. 
 Rye, Fla. 
 Drinker, Pa. 
 Sherry, Wis. 
 Port, Okla. 
 Beerston, N. Y. 
 Gin, Miss. 
 Brewersville, Ind. 
 Brandy Keg, Ky. 
 Wine, Va. 
 And last, but not least: 
 
 Bromo, Ky. 
 
 « « » 
 
 Misnomers. 
 Why do we speak of "common" 
 sense and "idle" rumor? Sense isn't 
 a bit common, and rumor has the well- 
 known and justly-celebrated little busy 
 bee looking like a hookworm. 
 
 There is no better way to cure a 
 fellow's itch for office than scratch- 
 ing. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Fhoirl 
 A soprano who sang in the choir 
 Remarked to the alto right bhoir 
 
 "I saw you last July 
 
 Kiss the Rev. on the sly," 
 
 But the lady replied, "You're a Ihoir !" 
 
 * • * 
 
 Very Little Choice. 
 A choice of evils twain there are. 
 
 But 1 can't choose, I own, 
 Between the male soprano and 
 
 The female baritone. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Maybe. 
 "The day wore on," the author writ. 
 
 But quite forgot to say 
 What duds they were ; d'you reckon it 
 
 Could be the close of day? 
 
 • • • 
 
 /. W. W. Barnes. 
 Ann Anarchy 
 Miss D. Meaner 
 Dinah Mite 
 Vi O'Lence 
 Fan Atie 
 
 Sue I. Cide. 
 
 » • • 
 
 Puzzle : Find the Groom. 
 (From the Chicago News.) 
 The marri.ige of Miss Mary Estelle 
 Hebard, daughter of Mr. and Mrs.. 
 Frank Hebard, 203 South Euclid ave- 
 nue. Oak Park, will take place Wednes- 
 day evening, June .3, in the home of the 
 bride's parents. The young people 
 will make a honeymoon tour of Canada 
 
 and the Eastern States. 
 
 • « • 
 
 Suitable Clothes. 
 For the soldier — drill. 
 For the ball player— -mufti. 
 For the circusman — canvas. 
 For the Republican — worsted. 
 For the barber — mohair. 
 For John D. — oilcloth. 
 
 For the financier — checks. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Was There Anything in a KameT 
 "Who was the first niilitant?" asks 
 an exchange. Well, th',re is "burning 
 Sappho." 
 
120 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Oddities. 
 
 A Chicago lunchroom sign : "We 
 Bake and Cook Ourselves." 
 
 The Peoria Herald-Transcript says : 
 "More than fifty shots were dis- 
 charged, and Peter Tuddy, a bystander, 
 was slightly wounded in the badomen." 
 
 The Cambridge City (Ind.) Tribune 
 remarks that "Henry Ford has notified 
 his employes that they must not live 
 in squalled tenements." 
 
 A Lafayette (Ind.) store advertises: 
 "Anybody who wears our shoes will 
 have a fit." 
 
 The Allentown (Pa.) Call chronicles 
 the fact that Superintendent of Schools 
 
 Seltzer is charged with drunkenness. 
 
 « « « 
 
 A guy who was soused with cham- 
 pagne 
 Was asked if he thought it would 
 ragne ; 
 "Hope (hie) not," quoth he, 
 For I've been on a spree, 
 And lost my umbrella agagne !" 
 
 Wasn't it Atvful, MaybeUef 
 Last Monday's was a business grim 
 
 For quite a large-sized group ; 
 They thought that they were in the 
 swim — 
 
 It proved to be the soup. 
 
 * • # 
 
 De Profundis. 
 The estimable Baltimore Evening 
 Sun credited the first reel of After- 
 math's "Geographical Notables" to the 
 Detroit News, and now charges the 
 Grand Rapids Press with the author- 
 ship of "Famous Jacks." Some weeks 
 ago we dubbed the lady tangoer a tan- 
 gerine, and that paragraph is now 
 going the rounds of the press with 
 great eclat, tacked on to some Cincin- 
 nati paper. When it comes to Hard 
 Luck, this poor old colyum can always 
 be counted on to bat 1000. 
 
 Social Note. 
 Mr. and Mrs. Flannel are off for the 
 summer. 
 
 The Better Part of Valor. 
 The make-up man left town in haste; 
 
 His name was Mike Maloney ; 
 The Ed. wrote of a "bonny lass" — 
 
 The wretch set it up "boney." 
 
 A Versatile Steed. 
 (From the New York Telegraph.) 
 WANTED — Industrious young man 
 of good reputation to take care of a 
 gentleman's horse who can play a cor- 
 net in an amateur orchestra for extra 
 pay once or twice a week. 
 
 Superfluous Adjectives. 
 "Frenchmen Fight Bloodless Duel." 
 "LaFollette Plans Long Speech." 
 "T. R. Shoots Huge Jaguar." 
 "Wilson Makes Deep Impression." 
 
 "Hearst Prints Sensational Story." 
 
 « * * 
 
 Mo7e Bihulous Burgs. 
 Barley, Mont. 
 Malt, Ky. 
 Champaign, 111. 
 Cognac, N. C. 
 Madeira, O. 
 Bordeaux, S. G. 
 
 Bourbon. Ind. 
 
 « * » 
 
 His Majesty's Little Joke. 
 Chef — "How will you have the mis- 
 sionary roast, your maj?" 
 Cannibal King — "Well done, thou 
 
 good and faithful servant." 
 
 • » • 
 
 Why the MaJce-Up Man Left Town. 
 (From Fort Dodge, la., Messenger.) 
 
 Born, to Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Han- 
 son, a daughter, today. 
 
 Born to Mr. and Mrs. R. P. Holder- 
 baum, a daughter, this morning. 
 
 Mary had a little lamb. Read sign 
 
 corner 11th St. and Central Ave. — Adv. 
 
 • » * 
 
 The Exception. 
 1 love a double-eagle, 
 
 A joyful thing to see; 
 A double-wedding is a sight 
 
 That always pleases me, 
 I love a double-header, 
 
 The more so when we win ; 
 The only double that I hate 
 
 Is this here double-chin. 
 
 • « ft 
 
 Noctitrne. 
 At even we lay us down to snore 
 
 In Morphean fetters. 
 That is, when the adjacent corps 
 
 Of cats will let us. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 121 
 
 Little Facts About the Great. 
 Mayor Mitchell uses words. 
 Vice-President Marshall eats food. 
 Oscar Underwood sleeps ui a bed. 
 Ollie James wears trousers. 
 Admiral Mayo brushes his hair. 
 Woodrow Wilson writes on paper. 
 Joseph G. Cannon smokes tobacco. 
 
 A Very Belated Discovery. 
 London doctor says the average per- 
 son has one leg longer than the other. 
 Especially the average papa. 
 
 Famous Jacks. 
 Tar. 
 
 A. Napes. 
 O. Lantern. 
 Sprat. 
 Frost. 
 
 The Giant Killer. 
 Robinson. 
 
 Ass. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Hints to Tourists. 
 Brewers should to Malta go, 
 
 Fools to the rocks of Scilly, 
 Quakers to the Friendly Isles 
 And furriers to Chili. 
 
 — London Standard. 
 Hungry men to the Sandwich Isles. 
 
 Anarchists to Bombay, 
 Topers to Bar Harbor — tramps 
 In Bath should make a stay. 
 
 — Boston Transcript. 
 Tangoers should rush to the Steppes, 
 
 There's Greenland for the crook, 
 Musicians all might try Cape Horn, 
 
 The anglers Holland's Hook. 
 
 * « « 
 
 A Brilliant Thotight. 
 But if the purpose of the mediators 
 is to patch up a peace, why not meet 
 tn New York, where Cleopatra's needle 
 
 is so convenient? 
 
 * * * 
 
 They Should Fret. 
 I cannot sing the old songs 
 
 I sang long years ago ; 
 Which fact no doubt's a great relief 
 
 To folks the floor below. 
 
 Meow ! 
 Every dog doth have his day. 
 
 So says the proverb trite; 
 And here's where we horn in to say 
 
 That the cat has the night. 
 
 Tender Recollections. 
 The carnation is the official Mothers' 
 Day flower, though most small boys 
 regard the lady-slipper as much more 
 
 appropriate. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Proof Wanted. 
 To silence the numerous doubters, 
 
 We reckon it's up to Ted 
 To show a tooth from that rivers' 
 mouth, 
 Or some feathers from its bed. 
 
 — Boston Transcript. 
 Some volts from its current might 
 serve him 
 To silence the ignorant cranks. 
 But the surest proof that I know 
 would be 
 
 A deposit from its banks. 
 
 » « » 
 
 What Secretary Daniels did as a so- 
 cial affront to our navy, all the other 
 admiralties have done as a war meas- 
 ure to theirs, so there you are. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Unusual Frankness. 
 
 (From Centralia (Mo.) Messenger.) 
 
 The couple were married 
 
 at the home of the bride's parents, 
 
 where they will remain untU the groom 
 
 gets a position. 
 
 » » * 
 
 More Famous Firms. 
 Coming & Going. 
 Ever & Anon. 
 Worse & Worse. 
 Neatness & Dispatch. 
 Rough & Ready. 
 Beer & Skittles. 
 Fine & Dandy. 
 Rank & File. 
 Blood & Thunder. 
 Neck & Neck. 
 Far & Near. 
 
 "Americans to fight for France," says 
 a Paris cable. Well, turn about's fair 
 
 play. 
 
 » • • 
 
 If you don't like this soaring sugar, 
 you'll simply have to lump it. 
 
 What's in a name? Well, there's 
 generally lockjaw in a Russian one. 
 
 Things might be worse. Suppose 
 T. R. were a war poet ! 
 
122 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Music Hath Charms. 
 I saw an old musician get 
 
 A hundred fish from morn to noon ; 
 For every time he Castanet 
 
 He cauglit a big bassoon. 
 
 France insists that she can stand a 
 loan. 
 
 Belgian hares seem to be so built 
 that they do not know how to run. 
 
 Maps of Finland are naturally drawn 
 to scale. 
 
 The latest from 
 "broke" office-seeker. 
 
 Washington — a 
 
 Anyway, we can still get Bacon and 
 Lamb at the bookshops at the same 
 
 old prices. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The devil never has to use want 
 ads. 
 
 Chicago Germans are aroused over a 
 sculptor's assertion that Bismarck was 
 bow-legged. Why did not this tactless 
 gentleman simply say that his legs 
 were without a parallel? 
 
 Mrs. Pankhurst resembles a thor- 
 oughbred in this, that it's hard to get 
 a bit between her teeth. 
 
 Elder Wilson, it seems, gives more 
 thought to the doctrine of election than 
 the doctrine of appointment. 
 
 Be good, but don't be forever talk- 
 ing about your prowess in that line. 
 And, above all, don't be goody-goody. 
 
 "Dr. Charles F. Aked Disgusted 
 With Kings," says a headline. Our 
 sympathies, Doctor. Others know how 
 
 it is to hold queens against them, too. 
 
 * » » 
 
 The chief trouble with an idle rumor 
 is that it is never idle. 
 
 But how can all the 2:30 a. m. in- 
 comes be taxed at the source? 
 
 There is a place open for Hennessy 
 in the Irish Legion. 
 
 "Gi'e^t Battle Nears Crisis." — Head- 
 line. What, another one? 
 
 It isn't necessary, however, for a 
 barber to have a cast-iron stomach, 
 simply because he lives on shavings. 
 
 A lot of family trees are shady. 
 
 The course of true love never runt^ 
 so smooth as when there are banks on 
 both sides. 
 
 » * * 
 
 Why doesn't Mexico shuck off that 
 greasy uniform and get a Union suit? 
 
 Man's inhumanity to man makes* 
 countless thousands of scenarios. 
 
 Delaware should make its State bird 
 the whippoorwill. 
 
 Stone broke — the Venus de Milo. 
 
 The Progressive party seems to have 
 shrunk to the size of a bull mouse. 
 
 "Life is not a dress parade," says 
 Secretary Garrison. Quite the reverse, 
 if he refers to the weekly. 
 
 Nothing cheers the heart so much 
 as when the Democratic rooster crows 
 
 "McAdoo-dle — doo !" 
 
 » * « 
 
 London daily sees a demonstration 
 
 of woman's rights — to the jaw. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Have the militants burned any milli- 
 nery shops? No! 
 
 * « « 
 
 "Parrot Reels Off Long Words"— 
 Pollysyllables, of course. 
 
 A kiss is an emergency that a sen- 
 sible girl meets face to face. 
 
 « « « 
 
 The three most unfathomable things 
 in this world are a woman, a doctor's 
 prescription, and a Chinese laundry 
 ticket. 
 
 * « * 
 
 In attempting to show the antiquity 
 of baseball, it is strange that the usu- 
 ally alert Asheville Citizen forgot to 
 cite that thrilling moment in the ark 
 when the dove went out on a fly. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Somebody asks why cities are called 
 "she," and our guess is that it is be- 
 cause they have outskirts. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 123 
 
 "The new Mexican loan will run for 
 ten years." Reminds us of T. R. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The president of the chewing gum 
 trust is suing for divorce, though one 
 naturally expected he would stick. 
 
 A dollar in a stingy man's pocket 
 represents close quarters. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Kodak Trust naturally thinks 
 the Government's suit is the result of 
 snap-judgment. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Chauncey Depew is the latest yarn 
 manufacturer to disapprove of the Un- 
 derwood bill. 
 
 Nurse a grievance and it'll grow. 
 
 » « • 
 
 That chip on Carranza's shoulder 
 must have dropped from his head. 
 
 We suspect that a bearded bird in 
 
 Washington is much more in T. R.'s 
 
 thoughts these days than the Trini- 
 dad one. 
 
 Well, if Ireland doesn't like a draft, 
 there's her Ulster. 
 
 Prussia is determined to win Ver- 
 dun, if it takes her last Bavarian. 
 
 If Mexico can't form a stable gov- 
 ernment, it isn't for any lack of don- 
 keys. 
 
 The old-fashioned man who pro- 
 posed on his knees now has a sou who 
 proposes while she is on his knees. 
 
 Leonard 
 wouldn't. 
 
 Wood, but Congress 
 
 It's a dead cinch that there couldn't 
 have been any British blockade when 
 Joseph got that coat of many colors. 
 
 Amy Lowell says that people should 
 not write for money. We take it that 
 
 Amy has a boy at college. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Who sows mines does not always 
 reap disaster. 
 
 Don't squander too much sympathy 
 when she says she has had a trying 
 day. The reference may be merely to 
 an extended sesh with the dressmaker. 
 
 Germany's real food dictator seems 
 to be Admiral Jellicoe. 
 
 Even that extra hour of daylight 
 probably won't hinder the censor from 
 
 keeping England in the dark. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The man of the hour is the one who 
 
 is right up to the minute. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Villa may be in straits, but bringing 
 
 him to bay is something else. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Every time the Germans get mad 
 with the British Navy, they go out and 
 blow up a Dutch ship. 
 
 w « « 
 
 Pacifists may at least point with 
 pride to the fact that the Venus de 
 Milo is unarmed. 
 
 Sound sleep— snores. 
 
 We couldn't help having some little 
 sympathy with the biggest scoundrel 
 unhung, if we knew he wrote to his 
 mother pretty regularly. 
 
 Costly Oentletnan Cow Changes Hands. 
 (Hamilton, Ohio, Republican-News.) 
 Paul King purchased a valuable red 
 male cow last week. 
 
 The fly in the Old Guards' ointment 
 seems to be T. R.'s bee. 
 
 When a fat girl has a rich father 
 she is not fat. She has a Becoming 
 Embonpoint. 
 
 And the wages of Sinn Fein is death. 
 
 Ever Lamp the CoJoneVs Mouth? 
 
 An exchange says that the Colonel 
 was born with a silver spoon in his 
 mouth. It must have been a table- 
 spoon. 
 
 Probably the quickest way to make 
 yourself solid with a man is to tell 
 him that people do not understand him. 
 
 Brooklyn's barber's strike is spread- 
 ing from pole to pole. 
 
 If International Merchantile Marine, 
 which has $.50,000,000 in cash on hand, 
 is a war bride it must be a mermaid. 
 
 "America first" is the best policy to 
 make America last. 
 
124 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Looks as if necessity may be the 
 mother of intervention, too. 
 
 Now that we have a Baker as well 
 as a Kitchen, it should be easier to 
 
 cook Villa's goose. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Astonishing discovery by the Wash- 
 ington Post's headline writer: "Man 
 Starves to Death for Want of Food." 
 
 Soap is 60 cents a cake in Mexico. 
 
 The high cost of laving, so to speak. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Nothing to speak of — Kisses. 
 
 * « » 
 
 A belligerant nation naturally has to 
 
 put up a good front. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Present status of the submarine con- 
 troversy may yet make it necessary to 
 change it to "Yankee Dawdle." 
 
 Prom his own record Leonard Wood 
 would be a rotten golfer. He went out 
 in '98 and came back in '99. 
 
 It sounds paradoxical, but when two 
 men have it in for each other they 
 
 usually have it out. 
 
 • « « 
 
 If there is anything sadder than a 
 comic weekly, we suppose it is a dear 
 old Yankee trying to tell a negro dia- 
 lect story. 
 
 » • » 
 
 A woman will take it philosophically 
 when a yegg jimmies into the dining 
 room and gets all the family silver. 
 But she will have a twin-six, 18-karat 
 
 fit if another woman copies her hat. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The T. R. demand will never exceed 
 
 the T. R. supply. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Colonel Edward M. House's motion 
 of reckless garrulity seems to be ad- 
 mitting to the reporters that it's a fine 
 
 day. 
 
 * * * 
 
 T. R., with all thy faults, we love 
 
 thee still, or as still as possible. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Ulster just can't stand Pat. 
 
 * • • 
 
 "I was profoundly touched," began 
 the Colonel. Something tells us that 
 Perkins is also going to be profoundly 
 touched before long. 
 
 "Of All Glad Words " 
 
 "Have one on me." 
 
 "With the compliments of the sea- 
 son." 
 
 "Fuscallfordinnerinthe dinincarfor- 
 rud'" 
 
 "Your examination paper was per- 
 fect." 
 
 "I'm going to try you out on the 
 varsity." 
 
 "She said she was simply crazy 
 about you." 
 
 "Yes, sir ; your train's on time." 
 
 "The boss has decided to raise your 
 salary." 
 
 "Enclosed find check." 
 
 "It's a boy." 
 
 What Candidates Don't Say. 
 
 "I'm after the salary — darn the 
 honor of the office !" 
 
 "My opponent has made an excellent 
 record." 
 
 "I have about given up hope of carry- 
 ing this county." 
 
 "I must confess there is more gen- 
 tleman cow than common sense in my 
 speeches." 
 
 "I can't say much for either the 
 good looks or intelligence of this audi- 
 ence." 
 
 "No, ma'am, I don't want to kiss 
 your baby, the hideous little brat." 
 
 "Probably John C. Calhoun had a 
 
 little something on me as a statesman." 
 
 « * « 
 
 Sotne Famous Columns. 
 Pershing's. 
 Nelson's. 
 Trajan's. 
 Flying. 
 Spinal. 
 
 (Business of blushing.) 
 
 » » « 
 
 Life, liberty and the pursuit of 
 
 Villa ! 
 
 • » ♦ 
 
 This peroxide famine certainly is 
 
 tough on the bleachers. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Sprinkle, sprinkle, water wagon ! 
 When we hap to have a jag on 
 You wake in us derisive laughter — 
 
 But, ah, not so, the morning after ! 
 
 » * * 
 
 Congress still seems more partial to 
 the pork-barrel than to the gun-barrel. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 125 
 
 The trouble about a huge navy is 
 that we'd have to use it or we 
 wouldn't. 
 
 Persons familiar with his habits will 
 be hard to convince that "Villa got 
 
 clean away. 
 
 • * * 
 
 When a woman goes into a store to 
 buy a spool of thread, she usually be- 
 gins by pricing a $2,000 set of furs. 
 
 Mr. Bryan has refused a $150,000 
 Chautauqua offer in order to remain in 
 Nebraska and stump the State in the 
 interest of his brother's candidacy for 
 the Democratic nomination for gov- 
 ernor. Mr. Bryan is the man the 
 standpat press tells us "cares only for 
 dollars." 
 
 What's in a name? One of the 
 strongest preparedness advocates is 
 Congressman Meeker. 
 
 With all his faults, you must say 
 this for Villa. He does not pretend 
 that he carries on his rascality for the 
 
 sake of culture. 
 
 • • * 
 
 It would take a lot fatter volume 
 than Dickens' to hold present-day 
 
 "American Notes." 
 
 » • » 
 
 Suggested motto for Mex. border : 
 
 "All soap abandon, ye who enter here." 
 
 » » « 
 
 Magazinely Speaking. 
 The European outlook is that a lot 
 more woman's home companions will 
 
 soon be harpers. 
 
 » « * 
 
 Herr Viereck should be satisfied at 
 last. Indiana's new Senator hails 
 from French Lick. 
 
 We see by the Petrograd cables that 
 the Russians yesterday captured 18 
 
 assorted consonants and a vowel. 
 
 » « * 
 
 The war is costing millions of 
 pounds, and it may also cost a few 
 sovereigns. 
 
 Raw recruits are soon roasted. 
 
 • » » 
 
 Texas expects every militiaman to 
 do his duty as he feels like it. 
 
 Even the worthy Homer sometimes 
 nods. Here's an English stylist like 
 Doc Eliot of Harvard writing: "The 
 Rockefeller Foundation is the largest 
 and freest benevolence ever attempted 
 in the world that I have ever heard 
 
 anything about." 
 
 « * « 
 
 A lassie with a smile and 
 A tall, good-looking feller, 
 
 A shipwreck and an island- 
 Behold ! a six-best-seller ! 
 
 Some Headline Horrors. 
 "Rain of Shells." 
 "Limps Into Port." 
 "Fleecy Staple." 
 "Fleecy Blanket." 
 "Plunges to Its Doom." 
 "Limbs of the Law." 
 "Mexican Crisis." 
 "New Teut Drive.'" 
 "Przasnysz." 
 
 The Day's Doings in Rhymed Review. 
 "The President Dons His Fighting 
 Togs." 
 "Chicago Has Disastrous Fire." 
 "Amundsen Gives Praise to His Dogs." 
 "The Colonel Calls a Man a Mali- 
 cious Trifler with the Truth." 
 * * * 
 
 The more one considers the Senate 
 the more is one convinced how appli- 
 cable to it is Henry Labouchere's 
 famous division of the House of Lords 
 into "mentals," "ornamentals" and 
 "detrimentals." 
 
 Wild oats are responsible for many 
 
 a man's seediness. 
 
 « » * 
 
 Motto for Baby Week : "Ask the man 
 who owns one." 
 
 It's funny how empty a man's con- 
 versation is when he is full. 
 
 « • » 
 
 Villa may have taken the grin out 
 of gringo, but he left the go. 
 
 That this column appears today is 
 nothing short of a miracle. They have 
 just plastered the windows across the 
 street with gorgeous circus posters a 
 fellow could gaze at for hours on a 
 stretch. 
 
126 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A cushioned hanuuofk underneath the 
 
 bouj^h. 
 A seasoned pipe, a twilight sky — and 
 
 Thou 
 O mint-sprig rustlini; in the frosted 
 
 glass— 
 Oh. summertime were Paradise enow ! 
 
 Miss Ellen Glasgow says that wo- 
 men have always been ready to buckle 
 on man's armor. That's just the 
 trouble with women : they are usually 
 so busy buckling on a fellow's armor 
 that they never can find time to sew on 
 his buttons or till up the crevasses in 
 
 his socks. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Why School Teachers Fracture the 
 Third Co))n))aiid))icnt. 
 
 Q. Who is Jane AddanisV 
 
 A. Jane Addanis is a famous actress. 
 
 Q. Where is Tasmania? 
 
 A. In Indianapolis. 
 
 Q. What was the era of good feel- 
 ing? 
 
 A. The whiskey rebellion. 
 
 Q. Who was Capt. Scott? 
 
 A. He was the head digger of the 
 
 Panama Canal. 
 
 tt » * 
 
 ''Going Hunting." 
 
 Scene: National Loan and Exchange 
 Bank corner. 
 
 Dramatis personne: Four more or 
 less youthful nimrods. dressed the part 
 and provided with guns and other 
 accessories, waiting for a street car. 
 
 Passerby (with knowing smUe) : 
 "Ah, I see you're going hunting!" 
 
 2nd Passerby: "You all going 
 himting?" 
 
 Brd Passerby (a cousin of Jack 
 Keefe) : "You boobs look like as if 
 your goin' huntin' I wisht as I could 
 of got off to day and go huntin' 2 like 
 what you all is you lucky stiffs." 
 
 4th Passerby : "Well, well ! Going 
 hunting, eh?" 
 
 Etc., etc.. etc. 
 
 No. Sherlocks, we weren't going 
 hunting. We were going doodle-fishing 
 in Hurleyville and the terrier was 
 along to drag the cowering hippo- 
 potami out of the topmost boughs of 
 the forest.* 
 
 ♦This was the most withering com- 
 ment we could thudi of at the time. 
 
 There is no pleasure in the pathless 
 woods, 
 There is no rapture on the lonely 
 shore : 
 
 For everywhere that cussed sign in- 
 trudes: — 
 
 "Down With the Bosses — Vote for 
 Theodore !" 
 
 In Mexico things tranquil are; 
 
 There is no rage or fury ; 
 Aye, life flows on without a jar 
 
 In Mexico — Missouri. 
 
 It was at the Battle of the Pyra- 
 mids : 
 
 "Soldiers !" cried the Corsican. 
 "Forty moving-picture operators are 
 looking down upon you today !" 
 
 Immediately thereafter he over- 
 threw the Mamelukes with prodigious 
 slaughter. 
 
 Though once, alas, 'twas "Theodore" 
 
 and "Will," 
 And Theodore says "Will" no more, 
 Yet on Will's lips the fond names 
 
 linger still : 
 
 "Will Theodore?" 
 
 • • • 
 
 According to the prohibs, 
 Little drops of water. 
 
 Little sips of milk. 
 Make u.s — or they ought to — 
 
 Feel as slick as sUk. 
 
 • « tt 
 
 Why Editors Hit the Pipe. 
 
 "Y'our paper has become altogether 
 too pro-German for me, and I wish 
 my subscription discontinued at once." 
 
 "Vy iss it der Chermans gredit you 
 do nicht gif, hein? Vy apout der 
 Pritish seesing uhr males you no nichy 
 gomplain? Schtop meiu paper!" 
 
 'I'm taking the now, instead 
 
 of your sheet. I don't want any sub- 
 servient Wilson organ in my home, no, 
 sirree !" 
 
 "Say, are you a Democrat or not? 
 Then why in bhie blazes did you say 
 our last note to the Dutch wasn't what 
 it might have been? I believe you're 
 subsidized by Teddy Rosenfelt and I 
 want my money back." 
 
 "deer sir I See by your Papper 
 where your jumi)in on Hon. Heck w. 
 Blohard the tribbune of the Peepul & 
 I want you should stop my Papper to 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 127 
 
 onct I (lont wiint to take no co-opera- 
 tion little Pin head Papper as jumps 
 on the tribhune of the Peepul the 
 greatest man the Grand old Stars & 
 strips has ever Kive berth to so stop 
 my Papper to onct." 
 
 "Why you slew-footed, knock- 
 kneed, cross-eyed, bow-legged, spindle- 
 shanked, lantern-jawed simian, how 
 dare you cast asparagus upon Theo- 
 dore Roosevelt. You are not fit to 
 shine his shoes, your poor simp !" 
 
 "Hon. Sir: I am poor Jappan boy 
 which sub.scribe for your Hon. paper, 
 but I do not want your Hon. paper not 
 any more if you say once more again 
 what you said about Hon. Mike Ado. 
 By illustrious shade of Hon. gran- 
 mother, no. Hoping you are the same." 
 
 Bland counsel to cotton growers 
 from the unconcerned, as to the sup- 
 posed futility of attempts to reform 
 exchange procedure in regard to "fu- 
 tures," reminds one of the fact that — 
 "The toad beneath <he harrow knows 
 Exactly where each tooth-point goes — 
 The butterfly upon the road 
 Preaches contentment to that toad." 
 • « • 
 
 Where the AnUered Gentlemen Lose. 
 Colonel Roosevelt's hopes of gather- 
 ing the woman suffragette into his new 
 party and thereby gaining strength each 
 year as the women voters increase is 
 doomed to early demise. 
 
 Collier's Weekly, responding to in- 
 quiries as to the feminine for Bull 
 Moose fixes the designation of the lady 
 moose by quoting Kipling as follows : 
 ■'So for one the wet sail arching 
 
 through rainbow round the bow, 
 And for one the creak of suowshoes 
 
 on the crust, 
 And for one the lakeside lilies where 
 
 the bull moose waits the cow — " 
 Our bull mooses may wait the cow till 
 the crack of doom and wait vainly. 
 Suffragettes may be determined, and 
 bold and ready to dare and die for the 
 cause ; but the cause never contem- 
 plated that they admit themselves to 
 be cows ! Feminine fle.sh and blood 
 has limits. They may stand for calves 
 perhaps, but cows, never! 
 
 "Woodrow Wilson today was form- 
 ally inducted into the Tribe of the 
 Sioux." — Sioux City dispatch. 
 
 "Governor Wilson likes limericks." 
 — News item. 
 
 Let 'er go, Gallagher ! 
 
 Woodrow, with a lot to dioux 
 Has been let in the Tribe of the Sioux ; 
 Now his name will appear 
 When it comes out next year 
 In the loway list of "Whiouxs 
 Whioux." 
 
 • • • 
 
 In putting Roosevelt's face on their 
 campaign stamps the Progressive com- 
 mittee disregards the fact that when 
 Roosevelt is licked and stuck in a 
 corner he won't stick. 
 
 "A paradox 
 That comforts while it mocks" : 
 Viz, that while Mary Garden is no 
 procrastinator, she can put ofC more 
 
 things than any woman on the stage. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Although our ante-bellum vaunt that 
 one Southerner can whip four Yankees 
 before breakfast was not entirely sus- 
 tained by subsequent events, we still 
 maintain that the average Democrat 
 
 has more sense than four Republicans. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Progress of the campaign told in 
 phrases : 
 
 1 — Cocked hat. 
 
 2 — Serpent's teeth. 
 
 3 — Neurotics. 
 
 4 — Political Paranoiacs. 
 
 5— ? 
 
 • • • 
 
 Roosevelt's Recessional. 
 The tumult and the shouting swells 
 Of frantic statesmen undeterred 
 By that first of Truth's articles: 
 "A man shall hold his plighted word." 
 But Uncle Samuel? Well, you bet 
 He won't forget — he won't forget. 
 
 Political Schedule for Next Week. 
 
 Monday, Wednesday and Friday : 
 The Colonel is quoted as saying he will 
 run. 
 
 Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday : 
 The Colonel is quoted as saying that 
 under no circumstances, etc. 
 
 Sunday: Begin all over again. 
 
128 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The Wedding-Guest had just been 
 stopped by the Ancient Mariner : 
 "Anything I may have to say," he de- 
 clared, "will be published in The Out- 
 look." 
 
 Whereupon, the Ancient Mariner, 
 realizing that his disguise had been 
 pierced, hied him back to his City 
 Editor. 
 
 Memorable Discoveries of History. 
 
 1,000,000 B. C— Eve discovers a fig- 
 leaf. 
 
 1492 A. D. — Columbus discovers the 
 Beautifud Isle of Somewhere. 
 
 1909 A. D.— Dr. Cook discovers the 
 copyright law. 
 
 1910 A. D. — Marse Henry discovers 
 a second Tilden. 
 
 1912 A. D. — Col. Roosevelt discovers 
 
 the Ananias Club. 
 
 « » « 
 
 "Greeks in the United States have 
 been called to their colors." — News 
 item. 
 
 Son of Athens, 'ere we part 
 Cheer me with a cherry tart ! 
 Or, if cooking's not your line 
 
 How about a farewell shine? 
 
 » « * 
 
 A marriage ceremony : 
 1 — Two singles. 
 2 — A double. 
 3 — The home plate. 
 
 Once I saw 
 
 Tombed in a shard of liquid, golden 
 
 amber, 
 A cruel spider and a silly fly, 
 And a wise ant, quite close together. 
 
 — Allen Updegrafif, in Lippincott's. 
 
 Once I saw 
 
 All in the midst of golden, burning 
 
 summer, 
 A hat of velvet and a set of furs 
 And thin sUk hose, quite close together. 
 — Clement Wood. 
 
 Once I saw 
 
 As I skinned back in haste the painted 
 
 pasteboards, 
 A pair of aces and a pair of kings, 
 
 And one more ace, quite close together. 
 
 « # • 
 
 One of the greatest mistakes a girl 
 can make is when she says her stock- 
 ings are not fit to be seen. 
 
 "Our choice is W. W. Name yours." 
 — Union Progress. "The same, bar- 
 tender." — Our Own Paper. "Just 
 make it three." — Nashville Banner. 
 Come in, Deacon ; there are several 
 glasses left ! 
 
 "Like Col. Roosevelt, he (Mr. 
 Bryan) believes that he hasn't had a 
 square deal," says the Savannah News. 
 And in that belief he is backed up by 
 several million Democrats that are not 
 
 "practical men." 
 
 • * It 
 
 "Durst is the sole survivor of the 
 crew of the little cheesebox that 
 whipped the ironclad Merrimac." — 
 Philadelphia dispatch to the Chicago 
 Tribune. That paragraph contains one 
 mistake and one lie. The mistake is 
 that the Confederate ii-onclad was 
 named "Virginia." The lie is obvious. 
 
 Careless. 
 He's the most careless man I know : 
 
 I speak of Lawyer Till ; 
 For almost every day or so 
 
 He goes and breaks a will. 
 
 « » « 
 
 If England is ever driven to making 
 peace overtures, we suppose she'll en- 
 trust the job to the Duke of Fife. 
 
 » * « 
 
 "My love is dressed in sunbeams,"" 
 sings a Western poet. Well, if that's 
 all, we wouldn't mind having a squint 
 at her. 
 
 Mean Place to Be Hit On, Too. 
 (From the Colorado Springs Steam- 
 boat.) 
 Mr. Carger did not escape entirely. 
 
 He was hit on the contrary. 
 
 • » » 
 
 Even a typographical error often 
 tells the truth. For instance, we find 
 an exchange speaking of "Oyster 
 
 Bray." 
 
 • * • 
 
 Things have arrived at the pass 
 where Germany is much more inter- 
 ested in the alimentary canal than the 
 
 Kiel canal. 
 
 « * « 
 
 When it comes to a choice between 
 a man who is capable of big deeds and 
 a man who owns 'em, it doesn't take a 
 girl long to decide. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES^ 
 
 129 
 
 Well, it seems appropriate that Ba- 
 con should fcet the decision over Shaks- 
 pere in Chicago. 
 
 A very bashful girl and quaint, 
 Who simply loathes the use of paint ; 
 To modesty's she's so inclined 
 She even won't make up her mind. 
 
 We see no ground for apprehension 
 because the Colonel does not open his 
 mouth. Probably he is talking through 
 his nose, like the rest of the dear old 
 
 Yanks. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Should Be Strong Suff Territory. 
 Missis Sippi 
 Ida Ho 
 Miss Ouri 
 The Carolinas 
 Georgia 
 Virginia 
 Callie Fornia 
 Louisa Anna 
 Minnie Sota. 
 
 A woman is funny. She will dust 
 little Willie's britches to a fare-you- 
 well when she catches him in a fib. 
 But when the door bell rings she will 
 .send word that she is Not at Home. 
 And she will peck another woman on 
 the cheek in the most affectionate man- 
 ner when she hates her like poison. 
 
 Epitaphs You Never See. 
 
 "Here lies William Blank — or would 
 if he could." 
 
 "Beneath this stone rests John Doe 
 — one of the durndest scoundrels who 
 ever drew the breath of life." 
 
 "Hie jacet Jeremiah Jenkins — 
 swindler, booze-hound and general 
 crook. The devil has our deepest 
 sympathy." 
 
 "This stone is reared to Richard Roe 
 by a grateful community, which thanks 
 heaven on its bended knees that it is 
 rid of the cuss at last." 
 
 Sun spots — freckles. 
 
 The hit hyphenate howls. 
 
 Give us this day our daily Ted. 
 
 Half a loaf is better than no vaca- 
 tion. 
 
 Don't Read This. It is a Lie. 
 Once upon a time there was a 
 woman who waited up for her spouse 
 at nights. And when he staggered in 
 about 3 g. m., she wheeled his arm- 
 chair before the fire and put his comfy 
 slippers on his hoofs and placed the 
 tobacco convenient to his arm and 
 mixed him a hot toddy. Then she said, 
 "Dear, if you want to stay up a while 
 and punish some more booze, go right 
 ahead and don't mind me." 
 
 Needs must when the Russian drives. 
 
 • » * 
 
 The Gold Dust Twins — Hughes and 
 
 Fairbanks. 
 
 • » « 
 
 Love makes the world go round. 
 
 But it takes Law to make it go square. 
 
 • » • 
 
 Some men are born wise ; and others 
 learn when to lay down threes. 
 
 Oh, You Short Skirts! 
 We must say that modern styles suit 
 us down to the ground, but more e.spe- 
 
 cially from the ground up. 
 
 • » » 
 
 It must be admitted that Congress 
 has the courage of Woodrow's convic- 
 tions. 
 
 Proper. 
 A highly proper damsel is 
 
 That pretty Jenny Moore; 
 She hates to see. so they tell me, 
 
 A ship that hugs the shore. 
 
 • * * 
 
 "Bernstorff is a man of parts," says 
 an editor. The likelihood is that they'll 
 
 soon be foreign parts. 
 
 » * * 
 
 Some men in this town are so stingy 
 that before casting their bread upon 
 the waters they always wait for high 
 
 tide. 
 
 » # * 
 
 Whoops, M' Dears! 
 There was a young damsel named Anna 
 Who slipped on a piece of banana ; 
 Her fall was quite shocking, 
 And showed so much stocking 
 The wicked men hollered: "Hosanna l" 
 
 Ever Tell One of 'Em a Joke? 
 "England will laugh last," says a 
 London paper. That's what the Eng- 
 lish have always I)een famous for. 
 
130 
 
 rOEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A Posioffivc Crisis, in Four Reels. 
 Sliipi). Ark. 
 Sink. Ore. 
 Note, (ta. 
 
 Promise. S, D. 
 
 • » « 
 
 Evolution of a Mex. Ooverument. 
 De facto. 
 Defecto. 
 
 Defuiioto. 
 
 • • • 
 
 However, those gallant Zep. otfioers 
 always prided themselves on heins: 
 ladykillors. 
 
 • • * 
 
 An atrocity can always connt on 
 slipping by the censor when it's the 
 
 other side's. 
 
 • * » 
 
 It may not soinid nice. Bnt it is a 
 fact that a whole lot of nuptials we 
 read about muler the heading "Wed- 
 dins;s" ou.uht to have lu^en listed under 
 "Sales." 
 
 For every man who goes to the polls 
 to vote for somebody, probably five 
 
 men go to vote against somebody. 
 
 » • • 
 
 Some Famous Lines. 
 Wash 
 Firing 
 Waist 
 Fishing 
 Railroad 
 Steamship 
 
 Mason and Dixon's. 
 
 • « * 
 
 Colonel Laura .Tean Libbey an- 
 nounces in one of her helpful little 
 articles that girls should not take 
 rings from unknown men. That may 
 be lirst-rate etiquette, I.aura, but it 
 would play the very devil with the 
 telephone industry. 
 
 Short Orders. 
 
 A campaign lie is something your 
 crowd didn't think of circulating tirst. 
 
 It's a rare household where the bet- 
 ter half isn't the whole thing. 
 
 Considering that there are only ten 
 commandments to break, some men do 
 pretty well. 
 
 The quickest way to get a head in 
 this world is to fall off the water 
 wagon. 
 
 Rolling stock — cigarette papers. 
 
 Probably the only serious drawback 
 to having a pretty good siz-cd circula- 
 tion is that every subscriber seems to 
 think that with his eight iron men he 
 also purchased the privilege of having 
 an original poem printed at least once 
 a month. 
 
 Sonic Famous Boards. 
 Score Bill 
 
 Side Black 
 
 Bulletin Paste 
 
 Tariff Chess. 
 
 Pest. 
 If we but had the nerve and strength 
 
 One wop we'd love to collar : 
 The self-made man who tells at length 
 
 How he earned his first dollar. 
 
 • » • 
 
 The old-fashioned lad who used to 
 save uj) his Octagon soap wrappers to 
 get a catcher's mitt now has a son who 
 saves his Dromedary Cigarette cou- 
 pons to get a silver-mounted manicure 
 
 set. 
 
 • tt * 
 
 Some Famous Steps. 
 lu 
 
 Lock 
 Goose 
 
 Side. 
 
 • * « 
 
 "Lengthening the skirts," allows the 
 Pittsburgh Post, "shows a feminine 
 disposition to leave something to the 
 imagination." liikely enough. And we 
 violate no confidence in stating that 
 Old Colonel Imagination is fully com- 
 petent to handle the situation. 
 
 "Let us cease to be ridiculous," 
 shouts the New York American, and 
 we cordially second the motion. Such 
 editorial candor, however, is certainly 
 
 very unusual. 
 
 • « • 
 
 "You can always tell a pinheaded 
 man," observes The Edisto News. 
 Brother, our experience has been that 
 you can't tell a pinheaded man any- 
 thing. 
 
 Add current humor : 
 "Merrie England." 
 "Sunny Italy." 
 "Gay Paree." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 131 
 
 "I desire to «ivo credit to tlie Rus- 
 sians," says liord Northoliffe. Well, 
 they'd prefer that to one of those 
 checks. 
 
 "But Mann, proud Mann, 
 Drest in a little hrief authority — 
 
 Plays such fantastic tricks before high 
 heaven 
 As make the angels weep." 
 
 ^hort Orders. 
 
 It is no si^n a «irl smokes because 
 .she is anxious to strike a match. 
 
 Opportunity knocks once, but impor- 
 tunity is always knocking. 
 
 Whatever its defects, spooning at 
 least teaches a fellow a lot about 
 astronomy that he never knew before. 
 
 A cracksman's ambition is naturally 
 to be on the safe side. 
 
 A man is never so dense that his 
 wife can't see through him. 
 
 When a man goes out hunting 
 trouble he will usually find a quorum 
 of it in session. 
 
 There's no use trying to set sail on 
 the sea of matrimony until you raise 
 the wind. 
 
 One touch of .scandal makes the 
 whole world <-hin. 
 
 Some Bellifjcrent Communities. 
 War, W. Va. 
 Battle, La. 
 Scrap, Tex. 
 Kilgore, N. C. 
 Gore, Okla. 
 Slaughter, Tex. 
 Blood, Ky. 
 
 Queer. 
 The rhino is a funny beast. 
 
 As sure as you are born; 
 He never seems to have the least 
 
 Desire to blow his horn. 
 
 Speaking of Music and Grand Opera. 
 "Twenty-two persons and a woman 
 were ejected by the police." — New 
 York American. 
 
 A woman can't cuss when she gets 
 mad. But don't you believe for a 
 minute that she isn't thinking a few 
 torrid thoughts. 
 
 The Cynic Says. 
 To make a quarrel it takes two 
 
 The proverb says, but, son, 
 The biggest fuss I ever knew 
 
 Came when two were made one. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A Wrathful Rondeau. 
 (Reprinted by request*) 
 ("'Try not to pass!' the old map 
 said." — Longfellow. ) 
 "Try not to pass!"? Thou hoary 
 
 skate ! 
 I'm not caught with that sucker's bait. 
 Me at the ticket man's delay. 
 
 • * « 
 
 And from my hard-won hoardings pay 
 The customary four-bit rate? 
 I'm really inarticulate 
 With righteous anger ; yea irate 
 That thou shouldst have the nerve to 
 say 
 
 "Try not to pass !" 
 The little ticket signed "The State" 
 Which I present 'em at the gate 
 
 Gives me immediate entree ; 
 
 (The others pay a piece of eight.) 
 Off with thee, then, and cease to bray 
 
 "Try Not to Pa.ss!" 
 
 • • • 
 
 If the children are clever and well- 
 behaved, mother and mother's mother 
 know they take after her. If they are 
 stupid, mean little brats, they take 
 
 after the old man. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Ain't It Sof 
 As linguists mothers are the champs, 
 
 Just put that down as true ; 
 They know just what the little scamps 
 
 mean when they gurgle : "Goo !" 
 
 • • • 
 
 Some Birds of Burgs. 
 Pigeonroost, Ky. 
 Lark, N. D. 
 Parrott, Ky. 
 Sparrow, Ky. 
 Swan, Tex. 
 
 Swallow, Ky. (Speaking of the 
 eternal f . of t. ! ) 
 Wren, S. C. 
 Crow, W. Va. 
 Blue Jay, W. Va. 
 Nightingale, Ala. 
 Redbird, Neb. 
 
 Mexico's idea of a stable govemment 
 is Augean. 
 
132 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 'Ray! 
 The praise we shout 
 
 Of Jenuie Hocking ; 
 She shows about 
 
 A foot of stocking. 
 
 * * * 
 
 One reason tlie younger generation 
 is getting so flip and impertinent is 
 because tlie old fashioned boy who 
 used to be taken out to tlie woodslied 
 every once in a while to liave his pants 
 dusted with a trunk strap now has a 
 son who inhales a pack of cigarettes a 
 day, calls his dad "the guv'nor" or 
 "the old man," and fills said old man's 
 car with a bunch of giggly chickens 
 every afternoon and burns up the coun- 
 try roads to the tune of 50 parasangs 
 
 an hour. 
 
 » » # 
 
 An ounce of prevention is worth a 
 pound of cui'e, and it will also save a 
 
 peck of trouble. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Most of the standpat press is airmg 
 its views about Bryan, and heaven 
 knows they need airing. 
 
 In that "Gott Mitt Uns" boast, isn't 
 
 an "h" dropped from the last word? 
 
 * * * 
 
 The British fleet is wonderful and 
 the Russians are marvelously. 
 
 A distant relative isn't always s<» 
 
 distant that he can't touch you. 
 
 * * * 
 
 We wish we could be best man or 
 something for one or these Wall Street 
 "war brides." 
 
 * * ¥r 
 
 An exchange refers to Bismarck as 
 "the father of his country." Asphyx- 
 iating gas, of course, is one of its 
 smothers. 
 
 ¥t * * 
 
 We'd hate to be a Russian bard 
 
 And have to knock 
 Our stanzas on a place called Skard — 
 
 katchatakrivolok ! 
 
 England has barred treating, but we 
 understand that setting- vip exercises 
 will continue in favor on the drill 
 
 grounds. 
 
 * # * 
 
 One lesson this war has taught is 
 that a man named Rene or Marie can 
 fight just as well as the roughnecks. 
 
 As we understand it, thei-e are about 
 250 reasons why the Sultan isn't at the 
 front, young, middle-aged, old, short, 
 tall, lean, fat, ugly, pretty and 
 
 betwixt-and-between. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Is not the physician who forbade 
 Harry Lauder to play Hamlet a worthy 
 candidate for the University's medal 
 
 for a notable benefaction to mankind? 
 
 » » » 
 
 Now that the Russians are station- 
 ai-y, it should be easier for von Hin- 
 denburg to envelope 'em. 
 
 Mr. Bryan doesn't think much of 
 preparedness, but we'll bet he always 
 
 carries an umbrella on a cloudy day. 
 
 * * * 
 
 There is more joy in Lincoln over 
 one jingo that repenteth than over the 
 ninety and nine that went not astray. 
 
 When nobody is about to get mar- 
 ried a woman, especially if she is an 
 old maid, can always derive consider- 
 able satisfaction from discussing some- 
 body's recent operation. 
 
 Women are funny. The more they 
 hate each other the more affectionately 
 
 they kiss each other. 
 « « » 
 Germany emerges from the subma- 
 ■•rine controversy with several dis- 
 avowals and a promi.se not to do it 
 
 again. Nothing was lost save honor. 
 
 « « « 
 
 That homely simile, "As sure as 
 shooting" doubtless originated in 
 Mexico. 
 
 Cap'n Hobson's well known tongue is 
 evidently out for another non-stop 
 record. 
 
 Well, Representative Kitchen acts on 
 the defense proposition just about as 
 you would expect a man nnmed Claude 
 to act. 
 
 Our cost-of-living statistics pale be- 
 fore the price the Allies have paid for 
 
 just one slice of Turkey. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Of all sad words 
 
 We hear, by heck. 
 The saddest are these: 
 
 "Please hold this check." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 133 
 
 "Italy's Envoy Sees Grey." Ger- 
 many's envoys usually see red. 
 
 Naturally, the Turk is unspeakable, 
 (iermany having made a dummy of 
 him. 
 
 British subjects seem to be Zeppelin 
 
 objects. 
 
 * * * 
 
 When it comes to preparedness, we 
 <lon't know of anything to beat old 
 
 (Colonel Porcupine. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Another disadvantage of the Kaiser- 
 business is the way he always has to 
 pretend for publication that he is 
 
 proud of his glorious Turkish allies. 
 
 « « » 
 
 And when Wood row writes a note 
 with teeth in it, they are very apt to 
 
 be wisdom teeth. 
 
 • • » 
 
 Peace is now raging in Haiti. 
 
 When in doubt, swat the corpora- 
 tions. 
 
 ft « « 
 
 T. R. still seems to be the battle him 
 
 of the republic. 
 
 « ft *f 
 
 Before you laugh at the Russians 
 for spelling it "Dniester," remember 
 ptomaine and ptarmigan and pthisis. 
 
 It's now proper for von Tirpitz to 
 refer to his captured U-boats as net 
 
 losses. 
 
 ft ft • 
 
 We had no idea there was so much 
 kultur in Turkey until those Arme- 
 nian massacres started. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 Our notion of the height of some- 
 thing is a very stout little woman try- 
 ing to look haughty and important. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 Mr. Wilson should get a prophet for 
 himself, the Colonel wishing it to be 
 distinctly understood that Ezekiel is 
 
 his prophet. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 The great fear is that after the war 
 is officially over, some of the nations 
 
 may start a post-season series. 
 
 • ft ft 
 
 "The telephone girl wears a hello 
 around her head." as the Marion Star 
 remarks. Yea, verily ; and gets many 
 an ohell in her dainty ears. 
 
 An Italian professor has found the 
 house of Tiberius, but it is understood 
 that on account of unavoidable circum- 
 stances the host was unable to be 
 present. 
 
 ft » * 
 
 They also serve who only watch and 
 wait. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 The bears have again sent down 
 
 cotton. Trouble bruin for the South! 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 The simple subjunctive: Leonard 
 Wood. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 To a financial ignoramus like us, the 
 
 pound begins to look like a mark. 
 
 « ft ft 
 
 We suppose the most appropriate 
 beer for sunburned vacationists is Piel. 
 
 A Detroit G. A. R. man challenges 
 any Johnny Reb to a foot race. If the 
 course is from Manassas to Washing- 
 ton, we'll lay 50 to 1 on the Yank. 
 
 ft ft • 
 
 The Czar has declined Germany's 
 peace offer, but we doubt if there are 
 many negative Poles. 
 
 Let sleeping Petrograd correspond- 
 ents lie. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 King Constantine is now in a posi- 
 tion to appreciate how Damocles felt. 
 
 "Every woman has several hundred 
 friends on her hating list," according 
 to the oldest and most unconfirmed 
 
 bachelor of our acquaintance. 
 ft ft ft 
 Because a man is a distant relative 
 
 is no sign that he isn't close. 
 
 ft ft • 
 
 It is old King Cotton's explosiveuess 
 that has gotten him into trouble — has 
 made him contraband. 
 
 Dumba case seems to solve the mys- 
 tery of who put the ass in ambassador. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 Even Cain didn't have the nerve to 
 claim self-defense. 
 
 Better fifty years of Harvey than a 
 
 cycle of Bill Hearst. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 "Back Home," Irvin Cobb's new play, 
 ought to make a big hit in the war 
 zone. 
 
i;vi 
 
 /'()/•: MS A\/) /m/;.u;am/7/n 
 
 Slr.Miiirt* tho KiiisiM- still Ims lu>ils 
 after :ill tlio l,;uisiim- wo'vo uivoii liiiu. 
 
 Tho (JoniiMn r-ln>ats aro. howovtM-. 
 not lottiM- porlVi'l. 
 
 Sooins paradoxii'.il that oottoii should 
 bo all a( si\-i boi-aiiso l( isn't. 
 
 Ono toiu'li of 'roildy inakos (ho whoU' 
 worhl Clin. 
 
 Looks as if poaco had brokon out in 
 Santo noniin.L^o. 
 
 Wbilo von lliudonburi: has orossivi 
 fho 15u,j;. our mulorstandiui: is that tho 
 fjrand old prohibitionists aro plannUii: 
 to s;ivo tho jui: (bo doublooross. 
 
 Almost anyluxly \vt>idd ratbor bo 
 risht than riosidont of Mt>\ioo. 
 
 It may l<o that n\oiu'y talks, but tho 
 pound storlint: is .s::roanin.i:. 
 
 •'Tho (inio has passod for words!" 
 sboiUs (bo Colonol. onuitiui: somo (i.OOd 
 of 'oin. 
 
 Now YiM-k o\oban,i:o roporis (bat 
 Prinoo 'An lloh«>nloho was "snappish.'" 
 \Vl<y not oall him Trinoo Zu-/u'? 
 
 Wliat has booomo of tho old-fa sh- 
 lonod maidon lady who usod to look 
 juidor (ho bod boforo rotirinc'? 
 
 l>o virtuous and you will bo ro 
 spootod. l>n( you won't havo vory 
 muob fin». 
 
 Kvory l?ritish soldior will ?:or an 
 Amorioan applo. and (hoy oor(ainly do 
 soom (o nood anodior oorps or (wo, 
 
 Trobably Iboro wonhl bo snob a 
 thin.!; as a wriH-kloss auto if thoro woro 
 not so many rookloss ohantYonrs, 
 « * It 
 
 Tho hand (hat rooks (bo oradlo is 
 .>!oldon\ soon nnikins: i:;ostiiros in a 
 snfTra.i^o niootinu:. 
 
 I'oliriuni's "Cray liook" ou.cbt to bo 
 
 road. 
 
 * » • 
 
 Some srontlo souls who would lunor 
 droam of shyin.ir a briok soom to think 
 it's ontin^ly all riirbt to shy a pot. 
 
 Silly of .lolui r.ull to bold up tho 
 tauUors, as tboso Uulturod (Jormans 
 wouldn't aoot>pl anytbin.c but relinod 
 oil. 
 
 If (Jormany and I'nolo Sam fall out. 
 wo may all havo to fall in. 
 
 A tidy and a dainty dame 
 
 Is Miss Amanita Fitts; 
 She lovos to watoh a baseball ,s;amo 
 
 Uoi-auso of tlu> (loan hits. 
 
 • tt » 
 
 Ont> partioularly (U>vilish member of 
 the stair su-i;osts that it's the hi.ijh ear 
 stop that i)ut tho lin.uor in lin.i^'orie. 
 
 ".Vniundson to (Iroot Teary." — 
 Headline. 'Hiouv'bt it is usually dlt!i- 
 oult to make both omls moot. 
 
 (JiMUM-ous to a fault its owner. 
 
 What a mai:nitioont anotionoor was 
 lost when Ferdinand of KuKuaria wont 
 into the kini:: business! 
 
 Ulood is thicker than oontraband. 
 
 Possibly they i-all it the "water" 
 
 wa.iion on aoooind of its sprin.ixs. 
 » « • 
 Not tho least of Nature's numerous 
 mistakes is tho female baritone. 
 
 Ani>thor amusins; aspeot of the situa- 
 tion is the way (looriria is all wrou.ijht 
 up over those AruuMiian atrooities. 
 
 'I'be hyi)hon most in disfavor with 
 Fnolo S.MUi just ni>w is .\ustria-llnn- 
 ira ry . 
 
 'riio .\llios may not bo nuieh with the 
 St ilk. but Saloniki knows they enn 
 steal bases. 
 
 (^harily is .1 irreat thin,!: in its plaee. 
 Hut when a lad claims that he really 
 loves his enemies, you can put him 
 down as a iL'-oylindor liar. 
 
 When a .^rirl says she hasn't any 
 stookin.cs tit to bo soon, the statement 
 nnist be aeoepted with reservation. 
 
 That Ftioa bypbotiatod moetlnjr 
 ohoored the .sentiment. '"Ijorman to the 
 marrow." The rest of the ootuitry will 
 emphasize the bone. 
 
ROHKUT lifJJOTT aONZALh\S 
 
 135 
 
 Seems to he KcttiriK liiyh time to put 
 
 H . to tll(! -. 
 
 Caniiibjils nre no re.sfH'cters of p'""- 
 HoriH. 
 
 There ;ire those who if lesH "dry" 
 tiiif^fit write lewH rot. 
 
 • • • 
 
 \V(;il, it'H liif^h time the liuluJirs cap- 
 tured I{jjl)Uiiii" they iriot)l<eyed with It 
 long enough. 
 
 It'H an <;ven wa«er whethfM- La l'V)l- 
 letle maljij.s the flag diHa[)p<'ar t»efore 
 
 Mryari doe.s the flagon. 
 
 • ft • 
 
 If there are two disgusted shades on 
 • he thither Styx, they are prohal)ly 
 those of the late Messrs. Mlltiades and 
 
 Themlstocles. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 For an international lioil Lansing is 
 all right, all right. 
 
 A hyi»lien divided against itself <an 
 not stand. 
 
 Prohibition iu South Carolina w<inhl 
 indeed be a rum go. 
 
 That rhiladelphia .society that se- 
 cured Koald Amundsen to lecture and 
 I'eary to introduce him knew how to 
 make both ends meet. 
 
 In r>'>litics, the fruits of victory are 
 f)lnms. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 Mr. I'.ryan (;vidently doesn't want 
 Americans to get either shot or half- 
 .shot. 
 
 When a man has money to burn he 
 often does it with chips. 
 
 Add journalistic goat-gettors : 
 "Tonsoiial artist." 
 "Groaning with good things." 
 "F'estive board." 
 
 Marriages may be made in lieaven. 
 liut history Is going to give the oid- 
 time horse and buggy a lot of the 
 credit. 
 
 On .second thought we simjdy have 
 to reopen the journalistic-goat-getters 
 contest to let in our venerable friend, 
 "Staggers Humanity." 
 
 A man may be a loafer, a thief, a 
 tilaf;kguard, a bigamist, a murderer 
 and about ev(!rything else mean and 
 desi)lcable. Hut hr; can never g(?t so 
 low that his mother w(»n't stick hy hirn. 
 
 Human nature is pretty funny, and 
 we sui)po.se the Americans who persist 
 in living in Me.xi(;o liave no severer 
 critics anywhere than the InhabitantH 
 of thos(! Arkansas river bottoms. 
 ft ft ft 
 
 ('alifornia favors tlie .see-America- 
 first m(»vement, but not Un- the Jap- 
 anese. 
 
 • ft ft 
 
 Tuskegecj's new head announces that 
 he will follow Booker Wasliington's 
 policies in everything— a cari>on copy, 
 so to speak. 
 
 You can't tell the av(?rag(! man any- 
 thing about Tiirkish atrocities. He's 
 smoked many a 2r»-ceiit jiackage of 'em. 
 
 We are not greatly surprised that 
 the Frencti women so unanimously ap- 
 jirove that new clean-.shave ednrt In the 
 army. For years they have resolutely 
 set their faces against mustaches. 
 
 One of the most active of liritaln's 
 ships of war .seems to be the censor- 
 ship. 
 
 The only hyphen problem that's 
 worrying France is Alsace-Lorraine. 
 
 Villa u.sed to i»e a hard-working cow- 
 boy, but now he takes life easy. 
 
 Two Strike, the famous Sioux chief. 
 has died at home. 
 
 The multi-colored "books" Issued hy 
 warring nations seem to be in the 
 nature of scrap-books. 
 
 About ten minutes after the average 
 woman captures a secret she lets it out 
 on bail. 
 
 ft ft • 
 
 We suppose that the minute the 
 I'etrograd man enters the pearly gates 
 they'll hand him a lyre. 
 
 ft ft • 
 
 "Harvard's oldest living graduate is 
 dead," aimounces the Xew York World. 
 It would be Intere.sting to know how 
 he managed it. 
 
136 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 That Germau success on the Bug is 
 undoubtedly a pronounced victory. 
 
 Listen to the honeyed words and get 
 
 stung. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Nobody hates the spoils system with 
 such virtuous indignation as the party 
 out of power. 
 
 It must get Mr. Bryan's dander up 
 to read that a pitcher was tight in the 
 pinches. 
 
 Speaking of disarmament, the Venus 
 de Milo must have been the original 
 pacifist. 
 
 Here's hoping the devil is not as bad 
 
 as he is Sundayed ! 
 
 # * « 
 
 However, in talking extensively. T. R. 
 
 Marshall merely lives up to his initials. 
 
 ♦ * • 
 
 Speaking of the feminine prop, the 
 
 girls just seem to grin and bare it. 
 
 « « « 
 
 An Everynight Tragedy. In Six ReeU. 
 1— Gin. 
 2— Spin. 
 3— Rash. 
 4 — Sma.sh. 
 5 — Nurse. 
 6 — Hearse. 
 
 Loud call for Greek reservists is cal- 
 culated to take the rest out of restau- 
 rant. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Seems to take more than the Crown 
 Prince to make the French walk 
 Spanish. 
 
 It is rapidly becoming the English 
 
 slanguage. 
 
 « » « 
 
 A bad egg, as you have doubtless 
 
 observed, is generally broke. 
 
 • « « 
 
 It is announced that Prof. Taft has 
 lost ten pounds. Along the rest of the 
 
 front there is nothing to report. 
 
 * * * 
 
 At present writing — Robert Lansing. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Russia evidently has lost her punch 
 
 as well as her vodka. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Mexico may not get her loan, but 
 she'll keep on borrowing trouble at the 
 same brisk rate. 
 
 Our musical neighbor named Biddle 
 All day long scrapes on his fiddle ; 
 When he goes to dwell 
 In the bottommost — well, 
 We pray they'll fry him on a griddle. 
 
 The Zeps have bombarded another 
 "fortified" English town, killing or 
 wounding seven fortified women and 
 nine fortified babies. 
 
 "We have been calling for ten years," 
 begins an ad. in the telephone direc- 
 tory. So have we, and we wish to 
 goodness we had laid down about half 
 the time. 
 
 Before he gets her, he is always pay- 
 ing her attentions. After he gets her, 
 he is always paying her bills. 
 
 The seat of war must be getting 
 
 awfully shiny. 
 
 # » » 
 
 "To hell with Massachusetts !" 
 shouts the Macon Telegraph. It is very 
 right and proper to entertain bitter 
 sentiments against this well known 
 resort, but there is such a thing as 
 
 carrying one's hatred entirely too far. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Men always laugh at the women for 
 being slow. But you never saw a man 
 who could take a bird cage and a few 
 feathers and make a pretty nifty hat 
 out of it. 
 
 Every one to his taste. But to our 
 mind a tomboy beats a willy boy any 
 old day. 
 
 As we understand it, the prohibi- 
 tionists contend that the country's 
 
 worst malady is bourbonic plague. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Constantine evidently prefers to 
 stand pat on the glory that was 
 
 Greece. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Where is the old-fashioned woman 
 who used to call it a "shimmy"? 
 
 "I was in danger 
 plained the elephant, 
 the flea. 
 
 of my life," ex- 
 as he stepped on 
 
 If Dumba hadn't taken the initia- 
 tive he would not have experienced the 
 recall. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 137 
 
 Lord Reading must be a lineal de- 
 scendant of Oliver Twist. 
 
 Add prominent South Carolina emi- 
 
 jtrants : Tom and Jerry. 
 
 * « • 
 
 If you want to make a thing fash- 
 ionable, hint that it's immoral. 
 
 A whole lot of self-made men ought 
 
 to have consulted an architect. 
 
 * « » 
 
 Edison made a big reputation for 
 inventing the talking-machine. But 
 Adam beat him to it ages ago. 
 
 Trust Pan-America won't have to 
 lian Mexico. 
 
 That New York society woman who 
 wears her watch on her instep at 
 ilances is probably amazed to find the 
 number of men who forgot to bring 
 
 theirs with 'em. 
 
 * * * 
 
 We surely wish that we were with 
 
 The Russian troops, by heck; 
 Because, and. son, this is no myth — 
 
 We'd always get a check. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Every tailor's goose seems to have a 
 bill. 
 
 A "booze-fighter" wins many an 
 empty victory. 
 
 Slogan of the Yankee tourist : "Palm 
 
 Beach suits." 
 
 * « • 
 
 It is thought, however, despite the 
 urgent admonitions of the prohibition 
 brethren that she stick around the 
 Milky Way and the Big Dipper, that 
 old Sister Moon will continue to get 
 
 full regularly once a month. 
 
 * * * 
 
 They may call you weak, and wonder 
 
 At your motives and your ends ; 
 Say you fear to fight the greasers. 
 
 When you try to make 'em friends. 
 There are some that want to make you 
 
 Push us in this hell of war ; 
 There are others that point treason. 
 
 Poisoning every breath they draw. 
 But your people understand them — 
 
 Matters not what lies they spew ; 
 Ninety millions give the toast, sir : 
 
 Woodrow Wilson — here's to you ! 
 
 Mr. Roosevelt has to .shave night 
 and morning. Nothing like the genius 
 of versatility. In three weeks he could 
 be Aaron — or Carranza. 
 
 The pen is mightier than the sword 
 in the censor's office. 
 
 Judging by T. R.'s remarks, the bull 
 moose doesn't belong to the Reich- 
 stag branch of the family. 
 
 The Germans may be the best hit- 
 ters, but the Russians are world- 
 beaters in running to bases. 
 
 Georgia is now not so much in the 
 public eye as the public nose. 
 
 Indications are that von Hindenburg 
 didn't slice that drive, after all. 
 
 When a girl is wearing a classy 
 ring or two, she can always find some 
 excuse for inspecting her finger nails 
 
 in public. 
 
 « ♦ ♦ 
 
 Probably nothing in this old vale of 
 tears is more pathetic than when a 
 rich woman who hasn't very much 
 sense tries to put on dog. 
 
 If there's anything in the reincarna- 
 tion theory, some present-day Georgian 
 must have built Babylon's Hanging 
 Gardens. 
 
 • • • 
 
 There appears to be a disposition in 
 some quarters to mistake the public 
 
 nose for the public eye. 
 
 * « • 
 
 As we understand it, before a fellow 
 can take any stock in the matrimonial 
 market he must go to par. 
 
 "Worth makes the man," wrote Alex- 
 ander Pope, but that was before the 
 Paris gentleman had opened his estab- 
 lishment. 
 
 « • « 
 
 South Carolina may "go dry" but the 
 
 "tigers" will milk her right along. 
 
 » * » 
 
 "Texas fears Mexican invasion," is a 
 headline which, be it confessed, never 
 fails to acquire our nanny. Texas 
 fears a Mexican invasion about as 
 much as a Kentucky gentleman fears 
 his prandial julep. Texas' only "fear" 
 is that the greasers won't come. 
 
138 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 We suppose you have observed that 
 when frieud wife gives you a piece of 
 
 her mind it's usually a cross section. 
 
 « « » 
 
 Sheet music — snores. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Add current humor : "International 
 
 lavF." 
 
 « # * 
 
 There is no such thing as a square 
 meal in Boston. Codfish balls are. of 
 
 course, spherical. 
 
 • * • 
 
 The British are not "forward-look- 
 ing men." The zeppelins have made 
 them upward looking. 
 
 Nothing from Flanders at this writ- 
 ing, but it is understood that the line's 
 busy. 
 
 Mexican 
 
 Meximay 
 
 Meximust 
 
 — New York Sun. 
 
 Mexiwont. 
 
 • » « 
 
 And why, you ask, does she wear specs. 
 
 This proper Helen Bly? 
 Such questions sorely do me vex : 
 
 She scorns the naked eye. 
 
 » • • 
 
 The ankle watch isn't such a much. 
 They've been wearing clocks on their 
 
 stockings for years. 
 » » # 
 The Kaiser has been called the 
 father of the war. Asphyxiating gas 
 is one of its smothers. 
 
 Too many people look on friendship 
 as a "shake well after using" projio- 
 
 sition. 
 
 • * * 
 
 It's a wise speculator that knows his 
 
 own war-baby. 
 
 « * « 
 
 The Wilmington Dispatch thinks 
 that at future Palmetto banquets the 
 swallow-tail coat will be inappropriate, 
 but we imagine that in colored hot 
 supper circles the cutaway will retain 
 
 its former popularity. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Those aero raids on Venice are cal- 
 culated to put a quietus on the last 
 rows of summer. 
 
 Something incongruous about calling 
 a big gun "she" when it can be silenced. 
 
 While we are furnishing the Allies 
 with cash, the Germans seem to prefer 
 giving 'em checks. 
 
 When Greek meets Greek, then comes 
 
 the talk of war. 
 
 » * « 
 
 The farther the Germans penetrate 
 uito prohibition territory, the feebler 
 
 becomes their attack. 
 
 * * • 
 
 We see by the Russian dispatches 
 that von Hindenburg has been hurled 
 50 miles nearer Petrograd. 
 
 Every day is Belabor day in Europe. 
 
 When a man gets out his hammer, 
 it's a pretty good sign that he has an 
 
 axe to grind. 
 
 « » « 
 
 At the opposite pole to Dr. Dumba 
 is Ambassador Chinda, who has noth- 
 ing at all to say. 
 
 They also serve who only sit and 
 
 bait. 
 
 « « « 
 
 With some people charity begins at 
 liome, but it never gets as far as first. 
 
 Bob La Follette may have to make 
 that law more stringent, as there's 
 still one American liner left on the 
 
 Pacific. 
 
 » » • 
 We heartily wish a certain Teuton 
 frau had not raised her Boy-Ed to be 
 
 a diplomat. 
 
 * « * 
 
 After all, the real "perfect woman" 
 is the one on the back of the silver 
 dollar. 
 
 And it won't do for Berlin to dis- 
 count our note, either. 
 
 Mr. Bryan's hope, of course, is to 
 take the fist out of pacifist. 
 
 Judging by its speed so far, the 
 peace dove must be a turtle dove. 
 
 Our idea of an exclamation point is 
 Oyster Bay. 
 
 "The glory that was Greece" is 
 right ! 
 
 "T. R. likes Wilson's stand." To say 
 nothing of his seat. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 139 
 
 Connecticut is tlie Nutmeg State, 
 and her railroads certainly do grate 
 on some people. 
 
 After the ceremony, he generally 
 finds out that she has control as well 
 
 as curves. 
 
 # » * 
 
 We trust that travelers in the Ca- 
 nadian woods will be very careful not 
 to step on Colonel Roosevelt's ear. 
 
 "No man is indispensable," says T. R. 
 We hear no corroborating voice from 
 
 Mr. Hugh Jennings of Detroit. 
 
 • « * 
 
 Some New York financiers of Teuton 
 descent are evidently even more pro- 
 dollar than they ai"e pro-German. 
 
 Speaking of the Liberty Bell, it isn't 
 often Philadelphia has such a chance 
 to show her metal. 
 
 Yep, it's a funny old language. A 
 going business, frinstance, is often run 
 by a coming young man. 
 
 We see by the morning's paper that 
 a U-boat has scored another sweeping 
 
 victory over a Norwegian ship. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Every British soldier is to be given 
 an American apple. Many of them 
 
 already have American peaches. 
 
 « » » 
 
 Cap'n von Papen's opinion of the 
 Yankees couldn't be any more bitter if 
 he were a leading lyncher of Marietta, 
 Ga. 
 
 We are willing to bet something that 
 the California centenarian who says 
 no oath has passed his lips never 
 stepped on the cat's tail in the dark. 
 
 Burian and von Jagow are not 
 stenographers, but Woodrow knows 
 how to make them take dictation. 
 
 Germany has forbidden all males 
 between 17 and 45 to leave the country, 
 but the order comes too late to do 
 poor old Russia any good. 
 
 A surgeon writes from the front 
 that the staff is "taking great pains," 
 and probably all the patients would 
 add that they're also giving 'em. 
 
 It is believed that next New Year's 
 Day will not be observed as an alco- 
 holiday in South Carolina. 
 
 The French, Germans and English 
 are nothing to our South Carolina 
 office-seekers who have been "last- 
 ditch fighters" all their lives. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Frugal people of Petrograd will not 
 lay in large stocks of letterheads and 
 envelopes — the name of the town may 
 be changed again. 
 
 The Montgomery Advertiser denies 
 that it said the United States should 
 own the continent from Panama to the 
 Pole. Nevertheless we believe Uncle 
 Sam should get the pole and keep it. 
 
 At least, "Cyclone" Davis wears his 
 newly-acquired collar where it can be 
 seen, which is more than may be said 
 
 of some other Congressmen. 
 
 » * » 
 
 Virginia doesn't seem to have very 
 much on Haiti as the mother of Presi- 
 dents. 
 
 The world-war sinks into the pal- 
 triest insignificance when a girl feels 
 a pimple coming on the end of her 
 nose. 
 
 "Is Germany keeping her promises?" 
 asks an editor. She might as well ; 
 we don't want any more of them. 
 
 A woman's idea of a i^erfect news- 
 paper is one that would print the soci- 
 ety dope and Mrs. Rorer on the front 
 page and consign the war to a few 
 paragraphs on page 11, next to the 
 liver pills ads. 
 
 The pound sterling is now in a posi- 
 tion to reflect how sharper than a 
 serpent's tooth it is to have a thank- 
 less par. 
 
 Speaking of that "place in the sun," 
 it's yet to be seen whether Wilhelm 
 gets tanned or a tanning. 
 
 Possibly this Strippa river which 
 Bud Stephenson has discovered in the 
 news from the Eastern front is where 
 the Russian ballets live. 
 
140 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Why is it that a woman with a voice 
 like the boouuiij; bilU)ws always picks 
 out some male soprano to marry? 
 
 "Daughter Hears Godowsky's Voice 
 on Phone; Faints." headlines the 
 m or 1 esteemed American. Not knock- 
 ing pa's voice, of course. 
 
 That German answer must have 
 
 been written by Herr von Kuttletish. 
 
 « « » 
 
 The valued New Orleans States will 
 kindly not aiuioy us further with re- 
 ports of what Edna Goodrich says. 
 Goodrich tires. 
 
 The Houston Tost tells us that a 
 piano fell GO feet on a man and didn't 
 hurt him. No doubt the fellow was 
 
 hit by only the soft pedal. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A Cracker editor calls Tom Watson 
 "Georgia's greatest asset." Little puz- 
 zle for today : Find the superfluous 
 
 letters. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Add current humor : 
 
 "I'm goin' to quit at 11, if I'm $50 
 loser." 
 
 "Thanks, old man : I'll pay you back 
 tomorrow, sure." 
 
 "So pleased to meet you." 
 
 "Weather Bureau Promises Relief 
 From Hot Wave." 
 
 "Reduced to ?0.0o. Worth $20." 
 
 "Speed limit 12 miles an hour." 
 
 "Your 
 Hearst, 
 Righto ! 
 
 views, 
 "are 
 
 some one writes 
 absolutely sound." 
 
 In South Carolina it is much easier 
 to go to Congress in a Ford than in a 
 Packard or a Pierce-Arrow. 
 
 "So at 9 :30 prompt Mr. Baldwin 
 kissed his beloved on the doorstep and 
 departed." — New York American. 
 Which, believe us. Judge, is NOT 
 where we would kiss oiir beloved. 
 
 After this, the President's appointees 
 will get the Senate's O. K. instead of 
 its K. O. 
 
 Some Mexicans along the Rio Grande 
 seem to be pursuing a watch and wade 
 policy. 
 
 It's a rare household where the bet- 
 ter half isn't the whole thing. 
 
 * » # 
 
 It's hard to believe an English suf- 
 fragette ever played with dolls. 
 
 "Weather bureau sees no change 
 until Saturday." Neither do we, for 
 that matter. 
 
 How much do those Zeppelui chauf- 
 feurs get — space rates? 
 
 * » * 
 
 Some of those Yankee editors are 
 such i-abid sectionalists that the.^ 
 won't even live in a house with a 
 Southern exposure. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Half the world is wondering how 
 
 long the other half will live. 
 
 * * « 
 
 In time of peace prepare for war. 
 
 and the chances are you'll get it. 
 
 * » • 
 
 South Carolina has stamped out the 
 Bourbonic plague. 
 
 The Columbus Enquirer-Sun thinks 
 Dr. I>umba has struck out. Looks to 
 
 us more like a home run. 
 
 * • • 
 
 In time of Bryan, prepare for Roose- 
 velt. 
 
 Trouble about this "wave of pros- 
 perity" is that it has such a terrific 
 
 undertow. 
 
 * * • 
 
 "London is fortified," explains Count 
 Reventlow. Maybe : but those dead 
 
 women and babies weren't. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Looks as if the key to the Mexican 
 crisis is located on Mr. Lansing's 
 
 typewriter. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Speaking of the Persia case, it's to 
 be seen whether Turkey's silence is 
 golden or just guilt. 
 
 How ashamed the valued prohibs 
 must feel of their Revolutionary an- 
 cestors who battled at the Brandy- 
 wine ! 
 
 An Italian tenor, thrown out of 
 work by the war. is over here looking 
 for a j(>b. Perhaps the Singer works 
 would oblige. 
 
ROBERr ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 
 
 141 
 
 A Haitien President usually runs 
 
 best after election. 
 
 » « * 
 
 France is debating? whether to raise 
 more troops in Senegal. It seems to be 
 
 a kinky question. 
 
 * » » 
 
 Those field telephones are not so 
 different from ours. They usually 
 
 report that the line's busy. 
 
 * » • 
 
 We are enthusiastically for the red, 
 white and blue, especially when we 
 happen to have a healthy pile of each 
 lief ore us. 
 
 It has been pointed out that the 
 initials T. R. are the beginninj^ of 
 trouble, and the Anniston Star adds 
 that they al.so stand for "to rest." To 
 
 say nothing of "to run." 
 
 * « » 
 
 "The truth is, the whole army is 
 burning with an insatiable desire to 
 wreak vengeance upon South Carolina. 
 I almost tremble at her fate, but feel 
 that she deserves all that seems in 
 store for her. We must make old and 
 young, rich and poor, feel the hard 
 hand of war, as well as their organ- 
 ized armies." Wilhelm von Sherman 
 lived before his time; what an apostle 
 
 of kultur he would have made ! 
 
 * • • 
 
 A word to the wise is superfluous. 
 
 * « * 
 
 A Bennettsville correspondent in- 
 quires what is "South Carolina's 
 
 toast." Di-y toast just at present. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Austrian dread naught, Izglad, is 
 probably the only one of 'em feeling 
 
 that way. 
 
 * » » 
 
 It's not the "will" in Wilson that 
 irritates the jingoes so much as the 
 won't. 
 
 Those Armenians must be one of 
 those elimination races we read so 
 much about. 
 
 Germany's merchant marine seem- 
 ingly couldn't be any worse off if it had 
 one of those Ija Follette laws. 
 
 « w # 
 
 A few more years of carnage and 
 unhappy Mexico will need the stork 
 as much as the dove. 
 
 Where there is a Wilson there is a 
 way. 
 
 « « * 
 The jingoes in their blindness bow 
 
 down to Wood and Stone. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The common people, it is true, have 
 a hard time, but it is the common 
 stockholders who deserve most sym- 
 pathy in this world. 
 
 Times have changed indeed when a 
 Czar executes reforms instead of 
 reformers. 
 
 Somebody wants to know if any- 
 thing has been discovered on Venus. 
 Not on any of the pictures of her 
 we've ever seen. 
 
 The insi)ircd coinjjositor who made 
 it "Sarah Bernhardi" seems to have 
 added Insult to injury. 
 
 Our own notion of a telling situation 
 is when a bunch of women get to- 
 gether. 
 
 « « » 
 
 Doubtless that State of Tabasco is 
 where the Mex. generals get their sea- 
 soned veterans. 
 
 The ankle watch is New York's lat- 
 est feminine fad, but we seriously 
 doubt if they'll ever manage to fit 
 
 Hon. May Irwin. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Dr. Woodward of London says that 
 primitive woman could not cook. What 
 bosh! Didn't the mother of us all 
 cook Adam's goose V 
 
 The President, in short, has renewed 
 
 his note. 
 
 « * ♦ 
 
 A courteous man, we must admit, 
 
 Is General Fritz von Pfamp ; 
 But last week in an angry fit 
 
 They say he struck his camp. 
 
 « « « 
 
 A Washington bride wore a pair of 
 $50 stockings on the street the other 
 day, and a lot of pinners hovered 
 around the windy corners trying to see 
 
 about $15.75 worth. 
 
 » « » 
 
 A mummy was sold in New York the 
 other day for $200. That's certainly 
 a stiff price. 
 
14:2 
 
 /v>/'M/N j.A7> rAh\i(rh\irns 
 
 Funny ni>no of those '•juvith'ntal" 
 
 tires ever oeeur in a brewery. 
 
 It • • 
 
 Speakins; of Ottawa, it was a bomb 
 joke, but it brought down tht> House. 
 
 Carpathian reports indieate that 
 Austria badly needs an anti-pass law. 
 
 While Kurope ealls to arms. Amer- 
 ica is ealliui; to alms. 
 
 * * « 
 
 Gretve seems to have a innni deal 
 more wish-bone than baekbone. 
 
 Dan Cupid is the President of the 
 Mateh Trust. 
 
 It's a shtu't. slun-f way from the 
 pensive May maiden to the expensive 
 June bride. 
 
 When the women tell it. it's gossip; 
 when the i>ld men do it's interesting 
 reminiseence. 
 
 Oennan Octirral i^taff order, no. 10,- 
 
 9S7.6oi: 
 
 "By His Imperial Majesty's desire, 
 Monday. Wtninesday and Friday af- 
 ternoons from -t to o :30 will be hence- 
 forth devoted to weepiuij fov deirener- 
 ate France. All weeping after the lat- 
 ter hour strietly verboten. Kni:land 
 will be Cott-strafeil as usual on Tues- 
 days, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sun- 
 day will be observed as a day of prayer 
 
 for our glorious Allies, the Turks." 
 
 * • • 
 
 Fleetins is fame. Ambassador Pajre 
 
 has dwiudliHi to a iiarajirapli. 
 
 * • * 
 
 All men may be born free and txpnil, 
 but ntnnbers of them spoil the equa- 
 tion by settinj; marritnl. 
 
 A writer says Russian officers are 
 fine dancers. We've often uotictnl that 
 
 proficiency at leadin;; the German. 
 
 * • tt 
 
 ITell hath no fury like a hyphen 
 josheil. 
 
 "I object." smiled the President, "to 
 ridinEc a horse in a frock coat and a 
 silk hat." and very properly, too. On 
 our morniua: canters we invariably in- 
 sist that our luu'se wear only business 
 clothes and a derbv. 
 
 Some men were born with silver 
 spoons in their mouths and others, 
 judirinj; by their table manners, with 
 knives. 
 
 Trouble with a bloomiui; idiot is 
 that he thinks he's the whole tiower- 
 
 sarilen. 
 
 • i» • 
 
 Fvidently the most popular proper 
 
 name in C\v,iixress is frank. 
 
 * * * 
 
 .V woman never eanrels her speak- 
 ing dates. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The cracksman's ambition naturally 
 
 is to be on the safe side, 
 
 * • • 
 
 The KiiiiT of Spades — Colonel Goe- 
 thals. 
 
 • » • 
 
 The old-fashiontHl woman who would 
 have shriektHl with indii^nation If any- 
 biHly saw her props, now has a dauiiht- 
 er who trips out on the street with 
 about (i husky inches of 'em showing. 
 
 The tly is the Autocrat of the Multi- 
 plication Table. 
 
 April breezes uncover a multitude 'of 
 shins. 
 
 "After yon, my dear Alphonse." has 
 a sinister eonnotatiou in Spain. 
 • » • 
 XiH'essity may be also the mother of 
 
 interventiiui. 
 
 • » • 
 
 We presume that the favorite poet 
 
 of the Peanut Trust is Pindar. 
 
 * • • 
 
 "Mau alive!" is an exclamation sel- 
 dom heard in Mexico nowadays. 
 
 • » • 
 
 Diekens said the parks are "the 
 lungs of London." but Mrs. Pankhurst 
 appears to be a hot stvond. 
 
 There's many a slip 'twixt the Cup 
 
 and the I.ipton. 
 
 The jingo press uses the American 
 eagle to catch a lot of gulls. 
 
 "President Cuts Sentence." says a 
 
 headline. Ah. if it were only a Henry 
 
 .lames senteni'cl 
 
 • » ♦ 
 
 But can the .Vllies baste Turkey 
 
 witlKMit Greei'e'.'' 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 143 
 
 Woman's hand seems to have been 
 especially modeled so as to tit com- 
 fortably in the trousers pocket. 
 » » • 
 
 Mrs. Pankhurst's favorite linear 
 measure is thought to be a stone's 
 
 throw." 
 
 « » * 
 
 Secretary Daniels has abolished 
 "port" and "starboard," but sherry and 
 
 sideboard are still pretty husky. 
 
 • » • 
 
 Secretary Lane has a keen sense of 
 liinnor. He has given Mary Full 
 Stomach a job in the Interior depart- 
 ment. 
 
 • * • 
 
 "George F. Baker certainly has a 
 head on him," admiringly exclaims an 
 exchange. And a lot of other peoi)le 
 
 think well of Baker's coco. 
 
 « » » 
 
 We see by tlie Kansas papers that 
 Mrs. Mudd, nee Dirtt, of Clay County, 
 is asking for a divorce, and it takes 
 
 sand. 
 
 • • * 
 
 King George has bestowed the Order 
 of the Garter on a woman, but we'll 
 bet Mary was right there when he did 
 
 the decorating. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep. 
 "But nobody's got my goat," she was 
 
 careful to explain. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Woodrow is so hard to please. 
 Doesn't Germany concede practically 
 
 everything we didn't demand? 
 
 • • * 
 
 We observe that a lot of people still 
 cling to the old-fashioned doctrine that 
 the State, not the mob, should show 
 
 its lawbreakers the ropes. 
 
 • » • 
 
 Two heads may be better than one, 
 but who wants more than one head 
 
 the morning after? 
 
 • « • 
 
 The New York woman who says her 
 affinity is the planet Nejitune must not 
 liavo heard about those lovely rings 
 
 Saturn has. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Somehow, these Austrian notes seem 
 to bear a striking similarity to the 
 literary style of the Wilhelmstrasse 
 gentleman w'ho used to answer ours. 
 
 "Laugh, and the men laugh with 
 you," says May Irwin. A lot of them 
 
 prefer a smile. 
 
 « * * 
 
 All the world's a stage, but the wo- 
 men have most of the speaking parts. 
 
 "What Women Are Doing." — Head- 
 line. Men. 
 
 Money talks, all right, but it's usu- 
 ally saying "Goodbye!" 
 
 Cuba expects the .Tohnson-Wlllard 
 bout to bring thousands of visitors. 
 Sort of Havana filler, eh? 
 
 All the Greek reservists here are not 
 
 roughnecks. Many are men of polish. 
 
 * « « 
 
 Well, the Young Turk should feel at 
 
 home among the Asia Minors. 
 
 • « * 
 
 The Sick Man of Europe appears to 
 
 have arrived at the pulmotor stage. 
 « * « 
 Some of the original thirteen States 
 
 are entirely too original. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Von Bernstorff should be deported at 
 once. He has connnitted a most bar- 
 barous atrocity, we observing by the 
 papers that he got President Wilson's 
 
 ear. 
 
 * « • 
 
 We expect any day for Herr Jagow 
 to discover an incriminating document 
 proving that Jamaica and the Isle of 
 Wight were planning to invade the 
 United States. 
 
 Some one speaks of the "unsophisti- 
 cated Georgians"; but haven't they 
 
 proved that they know the ropes? 
 
 » « « 
 
 There's a decided diplomatic flavor 
 in the fashion note which says that 
 
 "spats will be fashionable this fall." 
 
 * » • 
 
 We see by the papers that T. R. Is 
 still standing behind the President — 
 
 with a sandbag. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Some men are born diplomats and 
 others laugh heartily at the boss' 
 
 jokes. 
 
 * * * 
 
 "Haitien army wants to fight us." 
 That darky's evidently been drinking 
 again. 
 
144 
 
 POFMs A\n rAi?A(r/?Arns 
 
 A litorac.v tost is an oxaiulnntion in\- 
 posod upon iniinisrants by statosnion. 
 most of whom oouUln't itossibly pass 
 it tluMuselvos. 
 
 l>avaria bans tlu^ fan^o, doubtless on 
 tlio tlioory that tluno are alroady 
 
 euougli liops thoro. 
 
 « tt • 
 
 Some Fatuous Crosses. 
 Iron 
 Victoria 
 
 Char ins 
 
 Double. 
 
 * * • 
 
 There is somotliinj: wronsi with the 
 fellow who boasts that he hasn't an 
 
 enemy in the world. 
 
 « • • 
 
 The Tetroiirad lad may be some liar. 
 But we never heard of his annonneini: 
 that he takes a cold i>lun.!re every 
 niornins; of the year. 
 
 Doe l>umba will be kni,i:hti\l. but 
 
 hasn't he always been'? 
 
 * • * 
 
 Another thin?: we're sirateful for is 
 that WotHlrow's head is as Ions: as his 
 
 ehin. 
 
 • » • 
 
 It's not the best advertisement for 
 OiHirjria. beinc: tl>e State of Toombs 
 and Graves. 
 
 There is really not a i^reat deal of 
 ditTerenee. riattsbur;: drills and the 
 
 Colonel bores. 
 
 • * • 
 
 I.^£rislative bill prohibitius fortune 
 tellers looks like an underhand dii: at 
 Dun and Bradstreet. 
 
 "Lost" adv. in the New York Her- 
 ald : "Diamond and pearl lady's Tin." 
 A jewel of a woman, obviously. 
 
 Fiji's oontini^ent. whieh has arrived 
 at the front, devoutly trusts there is 
 something: in the report that the brav- 
 est are the tenderest. 
 
 With due resjHvt to the proverb, the 
 race is always to the swift when ho 
 
 carries extra tires. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Russia knows that these .ire the 
 times that try men's soles. 
 
 The Frenehnmn who said man is de- 
 scended from the bullfri\:: was proba- 
 bly full of hops. 
 
 « tt • 
 
 Delaware has decidini to retain the 
 whippinij-post. but the dear old criti 
 cal Yanks are as silent as the grave. 
 Delaware unfortunately mU beliii: one 
 of those uncivilized and benis^htiHl 
 
 Southern States. 
 
 • tt « 
 
 Richmond distilleries are responsi- 
 ble for many a Virginia reel. 
 
 • « • 
 
 "(.lerman-Americans are just Ameri- 
 cans," says one writer. But some of 
 them are a creat deal more just than 
 
 (Uhers. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Our notion of a study in scarlet is 
 
 the Turk's hands. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Slogan for 1010 : One good term de- 
 serves another. 
 
 John Bull's idea of foul Uies is tho.><e 
 
 Zep. ones. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Some men are born heroes, and oth- 
 ers tell their barber that they occa- 
 sionally use safety-razors. 
 
 • • • 
 
 If you have ever seen a picture of 
 Bagdad, it will be ditticult to under- 
 stand why the British are fighting so 
 hard for it. 
 
 Italy claims to have the tlower of 
 her armies in the tield. and they seenj 
 
 to be daisies, too. 
 
 • • * 
 
 These magicians who claim they can 
 make water wine must take a back 
 seat now. The Allies have made Tur- 
 key quail. 
 
 Probably nothing in this old vale of 
 tears is more disillusioning than see- 
 ing a pretty girl eating corn on the 
 cob. 
 
 Truth also appears to have been In- 
 terned for the war. 
 
 It doesn't retiuire a palmist to pre 
 diet that the Turk is about to take » 
 long journey. 
 
 The canny criminal in these times 
 confesses to the magazines. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 
 
 145 
 
 Though Hhe won't join In, tlie Allir;.s 
 must admit that Hellas Is paved with 
 good intentions. 
 
 We suppose WUhelm has come to 
 feel that a boil on the stove is worth 
 two on the neck. 
 
 Charity begins at home, and in nine 
 cases out of ten it never gets farther 
 than the front door. 
 
 There certainly is irony in tlie fact 
 that Am(?rica's biggest gun factory Is 
 located at IJethloliern. 
 
 Judging by the pictures of those 
 beniedalled officers, every day is decor- 
 ation day in Germany. 
 
 Success consists of one-fifth inspira- 
 tion and four-fiftbs perspiration. 
 
 War is Mexico. 
 
 London's morning query : "What's 
 up?" 
 
 They made a solitude and called it 
 
 kultur. 
 
 • • » 
 
 One touch of summer makes the 
 whole world skin. 
 
 Give the dear creatures a little 
 credit. Some of 'em are not as pink 
 as they are painted. 
 
 We see by the I'etrograd news that 
 the Russians have withdrawn from 
 East Prussia without losing a man or 
 a gun — or a minute. 
 
 We see by the news from Haiti that 
 the chocolate soldier is still having a 
 long run. 
 
 Another great trouble with this suf- 
 fering old world is that it contains too 
 many males and too few men. 
 
 A straight line is the shortest dis- 
 tance between two points, as old Euclid 
 pointed out that time, but it is difficult 
 to convince a gentleman who has had 
 about eight snifters of this immortal 
 
 truth. 
 
 • • * 
 
 "Out of sight, out of mind" doesn't 
 apply to the submarine. 
 
 A cotton planter's ncjtion of the gowl 
 old days are those in which the sisters 
 used to wear three pretticoats at a 
 time. 
 
 Man's inhumanity to man also 
 
 makes countless thousands rich. 
 
 « « • 
 
 About the only bright side of the 
 r.alkan fighting is that It'll keep us in 
 Pullnjan car names for a good genera- 
 tion. 
 
 • « • 
 
 It may sound paradoxical, but the 
 apple of a man's eye Is usually a 
 peach. 
 
 • * • 
 
 For sake of Turkey's treasury, it's 
 to be hoped she has no widow's pen- 
 sion fund. 
 
 « » • 
 
 China wants to buy submarines here 
 on credit. I. O. U. -boats, so to speak. 
 
 Penrose must sympathize with .Judge 
 Lindsay. He, too, has never betrayed 
 
 a trust. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Nick Ijongworth is out in praise of 
 the hyphenates, but the Colonel feels 
 in this crisis that necessity knows no 
 in-law. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Here's Carranza's chance to show 
 that all his gray matter isn't on his 
 chin. 
 
 Germany says she has enough bread. 
 
 Yes, but what about her dough? 
 
 « • * 
 
 Says the Cincinnati Enquirer : "When 
 a High Brow gets in bad with a wo- 
 man, he is a Disciple of Old Man 
 Plato." He's liable to become a Dis- 
 ciple of Old Man Pluto if friend hus- 
 band happens in about that time. 
 
 And when a fellow goes out and 
 [laints the town red, he doesn't use 
 water colors, either, not by a jugful. 
 
 However, we are not too unprepared 
 to lick the socks, if any, off Mexico 
 should the need arise. 
 
 When a society eflitor can't con- 
 scientiously say a girl is pretty, she al- 
 ways gets out of It by calling her 
 "chic" or "picturesque." 
 
146 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 An exchange advertises a device that 
 will permanently cure snoring in 20 
 minutes. We understand that Messrs. 
 Krupp and Creusot have several de- 
 vices guaranteed to cure it permanent- 
 ly in about 20 seconds. 
 
 Somehow, Marse Henry's scorn of 
 the hyphenates doesn't appear to ex- 
 tend to The Courier-Journal. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 The same earnest local prohibitionist 
 who won't stand in front of a mos- 
 quito bar also insists always that the 
 barber brush his hair dry. 
 
 Poor Booh. 
 He is a very simple cove ; 
 
 We speali of Ferdy Fife; 
 He thinks that if he eats a clove 
 
 He's sure to fool his wife. 
 
 Every now and then the Kaiser ex- 
 periences a moment of great magnan- 
 imity, when he announces that prob- 
 ably heaven is fighting on the Aus- 
 trian side, too. 
 
 * « • 
 
 A girl whose face looks like a 
 marshmallow isn't necessarily a candy 
 kid. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Greece and greaser still hold the 
 
 lime-light. 
 
 « * • 
 
 Our understanding is that the late 
 Mrs. Cleopatra had no use for the pat- 
 pat kiss. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Mr. Underwood says the country is 
 "braced" for the tariff change, but a 
 close inspection reveals that Louis- 
 iana's suspender buttons are only 
 hanging by a thread. 
 
 Indiana's novelists are all very well, 
 but give us those Kansas cereal stories 
 
 every time. 
 
 • « • 
 
 Yet We Snicker at the Russian Names. 
 Ossawatomie. 
 Kalamazoo. 
 Pocomoonshine. 
 Schenectady. 
 Tioughniougha. 
 Ronkonkoma. 
 Cheektowago. 
 Skaneateles. 
 
 We suppose those patriotic French 
 long ago renamed the book "Robinson 
 Creusot." 
 
 Idiot. 
 We mourn the fate of old Gabe 
 Gratty— 
 He can't survive, we fear ; 
 The mutt dropped into Cincinnati 
 And bellowed : "Down with beer !" 
 
 Now, here's a saying that is true, 
 
 As all must fain declare; 
 If you become a rounder, you 
 
 Are not apt to be square. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Untold wealth is what the income 
 tax collector will leave behind him. 
 
 Human nature is pretty funny, and 
 we suppose the natives of Passachuck- 
 atumpus. Me., wonder how in the 
 world a Polish town can stand for a 
 fool name like Szczcbrzeszyn. 
 
 Petrograd seems to forget that Sam- 
 son invented that method of winning 
 battles with a jawbone. 
 
 The Hon. Jim Ham Lewis asserts 
 that he wants a "return to the spirit 
 of '76." We should think that coming 
 from Lewis, the spirit of '66 would pre- 
 sent a stronger appeal. 
 
 We suppose that if the prohibition- 
 ists had their way they would make 
 every tippler's epitaph read simply: 
 
 "(Hie) (hie) Jacet." 
 
 * * * 
 
 Now that we've shown our hand, 
 will Berlin show its fist? 
 
 It's all right for wool to keep coming 
 into this country, but not on heads. 
 
 One-half the Carranza fleet is the 
 gunboat Corrigan II. How we love 
 those romantic old Castilian names ! 
 
 They are hanging Cubists in Boston. 
 The pictures, unfortunately, not the 
 painters. 
 
 Opportunity is never spoken of as 
 "she," which may explain why so few 
 
 men embrace it. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Unbridled temper rarely accompa- 
 nies horse sense. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 147 
 
 Count von BernstorfE, it must be ad- 
 mitted, is one of Germany's most 
 
 promising diplomats. 
 
 « * « 
 
 "There's always room at the bot- 
 tom,' chuckled von Tirpitz, as he 
 launched another torpedo. 
 
 If these optimistic Washington re- 
 ports are true, there is grave fear that 
 poor old Mexico is on the point of re- 
 verting to civilization. 
 
 The Pennsylvania lad who swal- 
 lowed a "Wilson button, got a mighty 
 good man down. 
 
 Once upon a time there was a prac- 
 tical joker who laughed heartily when 
 they made him the victim of a practi- 
 cal joke. As Luke McLuke says, all 
 fairy tales begin with once upon a 
 time. 
 
 The London police aim to put the 
 acid-throwing suffragettes among the 
 
 best cellers. 
 
 • * * 
 
 We suppose those smart French 
 make "room" feminine because they 
 so frequently communicate with each 
 other. 
 
 Mexico — the land of the flea and the 
 home of the bravo! 
 
 The Colonel says no words can char- 
 acterize our Mexican policy, forthwith 
 
 emitting about 2,500 of 'em. 
 
 « « « 
 
 There's nothing that will turn one's 
 head sooner than success or a pretty 
 
 ankle. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Generous to a fault — its owner. 
 
 Youths rush in where wise men fear 
 
 to wed. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Consistency is a jewel that mighty 
 
 few women wear. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Utopia is a country where all women 
 tell the conductor they can't take ad- 
 vantage of the half-fare rate, as the 
 kid is several days over twelve years 
 
 old. 
 
 • » « 
 
 Nothing is quiet along the Potomac. 
 
 Paradoxical as it may sound, the 
 best way to make both ends meet is 
 to keep straight ahead. 
 
 It's hard for a tailor to believe there 
 were ever early settlers in this coun- 
 try. 
 
 "Another Word to the Women." — 
 Detroit Free Press. And how, pray, 
 did our contemporary manage to get 
 
 in the first one? 
 
 • • • 
 
 The difference between Wilson and 
 Bryan is Germany. 
 
 As soon as a woman who used to eat 
 dinner at 2 o'clock and have cold sup- 
 per at 7 :30 acquires a little money, she 
 always Lunches at 2 and Dines at 7 :30. 
 
 « -» « 
 
 If Mexico can't form a stable gov- 
 ernment, it isn't for any lack of don- 
 keys. 
 
 » » » 
 
 "Mexico is my country."— Pancho 
 Villa. Well, we don't hear any other 
 
 bids. 
 
 • • * 
 
 What the hyphenated brethren need 
 is more Schurz and fewer collars. 
 
 * « • 
 
 A Mexican bill of fare always con- 
 tains chile con carnage. 
 
 • » • 
 
 These theorists may have some con- 
 trol over birth, but none of the bawl. 
 
 We see by the Philadelphia papers 
 that Billy Sunday is working to beat 
 hell. 
 
 « * « 
 
 "Women," says Mrs. Ella Flagg 
 Young, "like a winner." Yep; and es- 
 pecially a bread-winner. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Every woman has her good points, 
 
 but they aren't hatpins. 
 
 • * • 
 
 It's hard to convince the audiences 
 Mr. Bryan addresses that talk is 
 cheap. 
 
 Gaby Deslys is here with 180 trunks, 
 but we only want to see her in two. 
 
 When WUhelm said the war would 
 be over in October, he may have 
 meant, over in Germany. 
 
148 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "I don't believe that my great-great- 
 grandfather was a monkey," declares 
 Billy Sunday. The views of Billy's 
 great-great-grandson along this line 
 ought to be interesting some day. 
 
 The Mexican question : 
 arms? 
 
 Alms or 
 
 Opening of a "Ladies' Bar" in a 
 New York hotel indicates that wo- 
 man's sphere in some instances is the 
 highball. 
 
 It's a lucky thing for Queen Sophia 
 of Greece that European monarchs are 
 not in the habit of demanding back 
 wedding presents. 
 
 We didn't raise our Colonel to be a 
 
 nuisance. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Louvain's Wilson Square will be a 
 fitting tribute to a square Wilson. 
 
 "The Republic of Flowers" is the 
 new official designation for China. 
 Well, according to automobile statis- 
 tics, America is the carnation. 
 
 Nero and Tamerlane, by comparison, 
 loom up among the foremost philan- 
 thropists of history. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Mr. Wilson wants the Mexican ban- 
 dits to get together, but they'll be 
 hanged if they do. 
 
 Made to order — woman. 
 
 » « « 
 
 In the light of recent events, it be- 
 comes more apparent than ever that 
 the man who first remarked that 
 
 might makes right said something. 
 
 * « * 
 
 We see by the London news that 
 General Haig has scotched the Ger- 
 mans again. 
 
 Ford is no sailor, but he appears to 
 have qualified as a skipper. 
 
 Our notion of an Italian offensive is 
 garlic. 
 
 Germany has replied to it, but she 
 
 didn't answer it. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Spades seem to be trumps in the 
 war zone. 
 
 Looks as if poor old Turkey is about 
 to be released to the Asia Minors. 
 
 The weigh of the transgressor is 
 especially hard when it's the coal 
 
 man's. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Stock market has its Mars to thanks 
 for all those pars. 
 
 Some men are born unlucky, and 
 
 others are Balkan reservists. 
 
 • * * 
 
 The Memphis Commercial Appeal 
 says, "God clothed Adam with author- 
 ity." Well, it doesn't show on any of 
 
 the pictures of him we've seen. 
 
 • * « 
 
 A Chicago man says that a diet of 
 alfalfa will relieve one quickly of the 
 blues. Our observation has been that 
 a tolerably high full-house in the other 
 fellow's hand will produce the identical 
 
 result. 
 
 « « # 
 
 As we understand it, an auburn- 
 haired girl is a rich red-headed girl. 
 A Titian haired girl is a rich red- 
 headed girl whose father is a pretty 
 big advertiser. 
 
 "It is astonishing," declares Dr. 
 Woods Hutchinson, "how little atten- 
 iton we pay to anything that gets 
 under our own hides." Is it possible 
 that this worthy man has never enter- 
 tained a chigger? 
 
 Herr Dernburg must think our na- 
 tional motto is, "United we stand — for 
 anything." 
 
 The papers are making a big fuss 
 over the fact that some Western 
 woman is president of a bank, but 
 that's nothing. We've known some 
 women for years who are accomplished 
 tellers. 
 
 Cincinnati reports that after con- 
 cluding their business session, the del- 
 egates of the Wholesale Liquor Deal- 
 ers' Association visited the zoo. Any- 
 thing behind the bars naturally looks 
 
 good to them. 
 
 • » • 
 
 Private advices from the harem sug- 
 gest that the grand old Sultan is 
 exceeding the gal-a-month limit. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 149 
 
 Commencement time is here, by gum ; 
 
 We've read the list of dates, 
 And soon we shall be hearing from 
 
 The Petrograduates. 
 
 • * « 
 
 This news telling of Harvard's 
 trained worm isn't remarkable. Every 
 married woman has one. 
 
 Liberia seems to be the colored sup- 
 plement of the diplomatic service. 
 
 After all, the most pleasant summer- 
 resort temperature is two in the shade. 
 
 It sounds paradoxical, but the cold 
 
 gray dawn is generally blue. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Once upon a time there was a wo- 
 man who bought a pair of shoes big 
 enough for her. 
 
 As regards Mexico, the President 
 seems to hint that intervention may 
 also be the mother of necessity. 
 
 Democracy is a sturdy oak, and 
 Hearst is the woodpecker. 
 
 A man never blows his own horn so 
 much as when he is on a toot. 
 
 Needles and pins, needles and pins ; 
 when a man's neutral, his trouble 
 
 begins. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Man's inhumanity to man makes the 
 whole world chip in. 
 
 Drowning one's sorrows is no way 
 to keep in the swim. 
 
 T. R.'s forthcoming autobiography 
 may be in large print, but it's a safe 
 bet it won't be easy on the I's. 
 
 The dreadnought Barleycorn had 
 better keep a sharp lookout, for the 
 
 prohibition periscope's in sight. 
 
 » ♦ ♦ 
 
 Colonel "Watterson has become much 
 more moderate and restrained in his 
 praise of Woodrow Wilson, and all he 
 says this week is that heaven picked 
 
 him out for the job. 
 
 » # * 
 
 Roosevelts rush in where Wilsons 
 
 fear to tread. 
 
 « « « 
 
 New York is now dining on horse- 
 steaks — a la carte, of course. 
 
 Latest divorce items indicate that 
 DeWolf Hopper is celebrating the glo- 
 rious Fourth early. 
 
 * » ♦ 
 
 Peace advocates continue to lay 
 plans; but will they hatch? 
 
 One infallible way to get roasted is 
 to stay stewed. 
 
 The early revenue officer also catches 
 the worm. 
 
 Either the reporter who says, "Mr. 
 Taft flecked the dust from his shoes" 
 has a wonderful imagination, or it isn't 
 the same Mr. Taft we know. 
 
 In these bloody times, the most 
 comforting advertisement we see is the 
 one that states, "No metal can touch 
 you." 
 
 A Greek is about as brave as the 
 rest of them. But you can always 
 bring him to his knees by calling for a 
 
 shine. 
 
 * * « 
 
 The best longevity promoter, after 
 all, seems to be Father Time's diet of 
 
 dates. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Circuit judges — electricians. 
 
 Torpedo in haste and repent at leis- 
 ure. 
 
 « • « 
 
 The first requisite for a President's 
 doctor, as we understand it, is to allow 
 himself to be soundly beaten at golf 
 once a day. 
 
 That opticians' convention that 
 wound up by singing "The Star Span- 
 gled Banner" must have put a lot of 
 
 unction in "Oh, say, can you see." 
 
 * * * 
 
 Montenegro, in short, is the South 
 
 Carolina of Europe. 
 
 « # « 
 
 However, there are worse things 
 
 than being snubbed by Mexico. 
 
 * » ♦ 
 
 Austrians charge that Russian pris- 
 oners eat soap. It is now clear why 
 
 these belligerents foam at the mouth. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Little thought for today: Too 
 many eye-openers will close *em. 
 
l.M) 
 
 pof-:Ms A\n PAi^A(^RArFrs 
 
 It fortntnly bosilns to look as If Cor- 
 lujuiy is jiolui; to irot sunbuniod. 
 
 "All Stvtlous Uoport CuHui Ivusi- 
 uess." — llojullino. iJooil busliioss ! 
 
 Still. tlu' probitionists wtuiUln't 
 mliul stviui: ootton b.-ilf-soas ovor. 
 
 •'Viiinlv l>ou>b:irii Montono.^rin 
 rrowii riiuiv's Villa." Hoadlluo. 
 
 Vvom biijbor (ban (bo biubosi Alp 
 'Pboy droppod (bo lotbal spboro : 
 
 Tboy (riod to sxot old Kiui: Niok's soalp, 
 Hu( oiMildn't trot bis boir. 
 
 •■rnniari-io«l Knclisbmon don't waul 
 to ii,i:;b(." Nadirally. 'PbaCs wby (boy 
 aro vinmarriod I'niilisbnioii. 
 
 Tboro wouldn't bo so n\any faniily 
 jars if it woion't t\M- .in,u:s. 
 
 Tbo crainl nn* dinnor days bavo 
 ovMuo. tbo sbaddost of tbo yoar. 
 
 Wbotbor it bo truo tbat tbo nioiiorn 
 girl is loss "atYtvtod" tban bor proto- 
 typo of yostoryoar wo kni>w no(. lUit 
 sbo oonainly soonis to put on loss. 
 
 Wo oan not undorstand wby tbo 
 masrazino writers oall it "darkost Mo\- 
 iiv." wbon Moxioans aro otornally 
 lotting dayliuibt it\(o ono anotbor. 
 
 "\Von(on's obMbiUi: iMio-tbird olY." 
 Adv. Tboy Un^k i(. 
 
 «.">noo in a srroat wbilo a sooioty odi- 
 tor has a twin.i:;o of oonipnnotloii and 
 statos tbat tbo bridocrooni was also 
 prosont. 
 
 Oarnso and Ty Cobb visitins; tbo At- 
 lanta fodoral prisiMi soniobow reminds 
 lis of tbo stars and stripos. 
 
 In tbo matter of lootlns:. Panelio 
 Villa easily loads all otber Mexioan 
 tirst-saokers. 
 
 An onnoo of Rillie l>urke is wortb a 
 povnid of Tankburst. 
 
 "When is a obantYonr drunk?" in- 
 qxilres tbo Now York World. Pon't 
 ask us; we aro no antbority on antc>- 
 Intoxloatlon. 
 
 A lot of pensive April mablens will 
 soon l>oronio e\ponsive June briiles. 
 
 Cedar Kapids. Imvay. bas a voeallst 
 wbo is by way of boinj: a srroat hu- 
 morist in his fasbii>n. Aooonliu?: to 
 the (Ja/.o((e, •■l.as( ni^lu Kvanijelist 
 Sooville spoke on (bo l?ible boll. Mr. 
 Poloss Sndth san- a solo. 'Wo Will 
 Moot You there .' " 
 
 Tboso tbioi> b's in tbo Webb bill 
 may aooouut for its stinjx. 
 
 While tbo Teuton kaisers were pre- 
 senting Iron Tmssos. Viotor Kmmauuel 
 
 banded out a double ono. 
 
 .\ I'aokard na(i<ni imirbt not to be 
 oontentod with a l\M-d army. 
 
 Hated breath is fashionable dnrinir 
 tbo lisbini;- so.ason. 
 
 (Jrook dipU>maey always puts us in 
 nund of a banana skin. 
 
 Main trouble about the Allied 
 l>alkan oxpotlitiiin is that it never 
 uses any. 
 
 The Pardanollos forts, of eourse. 
 wore rodneod mi aooount of damasje 
 by lire. 
 
 It is to lausih to see "Honorable" 
 prolixod to some polltieians. 
 
 Wo aro airainst Ions; hatpins and 
 bavo boon on many ooeaslons. 
 
 Tunddors boiji't tumbles. 
 
 The tirst person plural Adam. 
 
 No wonder wool has made Wash- 
 Injrtou warm I 
 
 Some men aro Inn-n liars, and others 
 write hno letters. 
 
 T. U. seoius to bo the autoorat of 
 the Ciary dinner table. 
 
 Well, anyway, the Turk doosu't 
 olaim that he i:ot liekiHl for strat- 
 oirioal reasons. 
 
 You tnay tiro when you aro ready. 
 Woodrow. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 151 
 
 Oolonel RooHC'Vfclt. Ih our Idoa of a 
 dramatic critic. 
 
 Home FamouH Hnapn. 
 c;old. 
 
 Hoft. 
 OiriKor. 
 
 T\u'. IJjilkiin Sf,;it<!H dnucM to Jjny- 
 body'H niijslc but only the hoHitatiou. 
 
 Money Ih the n^ot of all evil, and 
 
 we're all dlK^ln^?. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Ah Lloyd-George Hee8 it, war is Hhell. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A doctor will tell you tliat cold feet 
 meauH jKXjr circulation. And that 
 
 holdH good for newspaperH, too. 
 
 • • » 
 
 If you don't belle /e there Is anybody 
 prouder than the Huiall boy wltii his 
 first pair of lony i)antH, juHt watch a 
 darky with a gold tooth. 
 
 RuHsia'H standing army isn't finding 
 
 It HO easy to sit on tlie Ottoman. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Well, if Turkey ever takes p'li't i» 
 any jicace overtures, sh«; Las her 
 
 Golden Horn. 
 
 • * « 
 
 Count that day queer, in which when 
 darkness comes, they don't turn up 
 
 more hidden German bombs. 
 
 • • • 
 
 In his peace-lecture itinerary, Mr. 
 Bryan will, of course, shun Rattle 
 
 Crerik. 
 
 « « • 
 
 The new styles have served one pur- 
 pose. Nobody can say the girls are 
 
 without visible means of support. 
 
 « « • 
 
 P>il communications corrujit goo<l 
 
 neutrals. 
 
 • « * 
 
 Many are called, but few lay down 
 
 better than threes. 
 
 « • • 
 
 We also have a surplus of Jitney 
 
 statesmen. 
 
 « « • 
 
 One of Haiti's leading trouble-mak- 
 ers seems to be General Blot, and if he 
 doesn't take care he's going to be 
 wiped out. 
 
 Speaking of the point of view, 
 there's the periscope. 
 
 A Hwwlish j)rofesHor gets the Nobel 
 jirizf? for chemistry. Why this dis- 
 crimination against the gentle German 
 
 who inventwj poison gas? 
 
 • • • 
 
 Mr. Lansing, we supftose, carf^ not 
 who makes thr; laws of a country if 
 
 only he can write Its notes. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The latter-day divinity that shapes 
 
 our ends is the manicure. 
 
 • * * 
 
 Haiti's case jtroves that there's usu- 
 ally a wide distinction between a sta- 
 ble; government and a sable govern- 
 ment. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Most of Carranza's gray matter 
 
 seems to be on his chin. 
 
 « » • 
 
 I"'rom jdague, pestilence, famine and 
 
 kultur, good Lord, deliver us! 
 
 • • • 
 
 Anyway, the parcel post can't pre- 
 vent us from expressing our senti- 
 ments. 
 
 « « • 
 
 In King Constantlne's case, it seema 
 
 that he who hesitates is bossed. 
 
 • • • 
 
 .ludging i)y the deliverances of 
 some of those Teuton professors, many 
 
 a I'h. D. is also a D. Ph. 
 
 • « • 
 
 War with Germany might be unpop- 
 ular, but it would jiut our army into 
 transports. 
 
 There are some guys 
 We'd like to scrap; 
 The mutts that copy 
 
 Charlie Chap. 
 
 • • • 
 
 F'ists across the sea ! 
 
 « • • 
 
 It appears to be the House of MIs- 
 
 hapsburg. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Too many eye-openers will close 
 
 'em. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Trouble about licking the Russians Is 
 
 that they never seem to know It. 
 
 • • • 
 
 You can't preserve yourself by get- 
 ting pickled. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The only drawback to the pacifist 
 programme is that this doesn't happen 
 to be the millennium. 
 
152 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 What's the matter with LansiuK? 
 He's all write ! 
 
 « • • 
 
 War is morning After. 
 
 Bulgarian General Yankoff somehow 
 
 reminds us of Mary Garden. 
 
 « * « 
 
 The wages of sin is scareheads. 
 
 What Japan wants in China is sim- 
 ply China. 
 
 Our notion of desperate straits are 
 the Dardanelles. 
 
 The prohibition appeal, in brief : 
 "Shake the Bottle." 
 
 Dnm-dum backwards suooinotly di^ 
 scribes our streets. 
 
 A man never has to pay so much 
 interest on a loan as when he borrows 
 trouble. 
 
 Ambassador Dumba's revision : "Be 
 
 sure that yon write, then go ahead." 
 
 • » • 
 
 Sir Thomas Beecham. just raised to 
 kniglithood. is expected to be a piller 
 
 of tlie peerage. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Lately Petrograd seems to husband 
 its excuses ; possibly because it doesn't 
 
 want to father them. 
 
 « * * 
 
 At that, the pound isn't any worse 
 off than a lot of other sovereigns. 
 
 Whoever put the balk in Balkans 
 
 certainly made a thorough job of it. 
 
 • • • 
 
 In Two Reels. 
 1 — Stag party. 
 
 2 — Stagger party. 
 
 • » * 
 
 An automobile can't climb, but there 
 are families that can't climb without 
 
 one. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Every dog has his day. but the cat 
 
 owns the night. 
 
 • • * 
 
 Some men are born unwise, and oth- 
 ers get paragraphers into poker games. 
 
 Petrograd reports severe fighting at 
 Mush. Now we know where those 
 Kurds are. 
 
 Here lies the dust of Gabriel Tude, 
 Of whom this town once boasted; 
 When living he was always stewed, 
 
 But now he's being roasted. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Another melancholy thing about the 
 Balkan situation is the way poor little 
 Servia is always having to punt from 
 behind her own goal line. 
 
 That "cream of Russia's army" is 
 still cream, but von Hindenburg has 
 
 whipped it. 
 
 * » « 
 
 It seems paradoxical, but two of our 
 most prominent pacifists are Cannon 
 
 and Gore. 
 
 * » • 
 
 A rousing time — the alarm clock. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Most of the i>eace overtures appear 
 to be coming from the wind instru- 
 ments. 
 
 * « • 
 
 Still, there's something highly ap- 
 propriate about a man named Schwab 
 cleaning up. 
 
 United we stand for a whole lot. 
 
 • * ♦ 
 
 Sock der Kaiser ! 
 
 « « ■• 
 
 Italy might almost be referred to as 
 the mistress of the high C's. 
 
 If the Prinz Eitel Friedrich was a 
 convertetl cruiser, she seems to have 
 
 done some tall backsliding. 
 
 « * • 
 
 Actions speak louder than ultima- 
 tums. 
 
 If Bryan ever succeeds in getting 
 peace, a whole lot of husbands would 
 like to know how he nuuiaged it. 
 
 "On to Petrograd !" shout the Ger- 
 mans. Well, the American reading 
 
 public certainly is. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The ^lexican bone of contention, we 
 take it. is located in old Carranza's 
 head. 
 
 Some of those submarine brutes 
 would look a lot better under a 
 wotxien cross than with an Iron Cross. 
 
 We don't know whether a dollar 
 goes as far as it used to, but it cer- 
 tainly goes faster. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 153 
 
 All the martyrs aren't over in the 
 trenches. There is the fat woman who 
 tries to squeeze Into a corset a couple 
 
 of sizes too small for her. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Germany will observe that we are 
 
 not too proud to write. 
 
 « * « 
 
 "Congressmen," says an exchange, 
 "earn $025 a month." Not at all. Con- 
 gressmen get $<J25 a month. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Backward, turn backward, King 
 Vic. in thy flight, and knock them 
 
 there Austrians clean out of sight. 
 
 • • • 
 
 What delightful little dreams the 
 Kaiser must have when the visions of 
 the murdered American babes of tlie 
 Lusitania and the mangled English 
 tots done to death by that amiable old 
 devil, Zeppelin, pass in review before 
 
 bim. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A Mexican Pastel in Three Reels. 
 1 — Pancho 
 Rancho 
 
 2— Shoot 
 Loot 
 
 3— Beat 
 
 Retreat. 
 
 • • • 
 
 "How long," asks the Philadelphia 
 Evening Ledger, "should a girl of 18 
 wear her skirts?" Well, offhand, we 
 
 should say all day long. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Quite the Reverse. 
 Whene'er the 'phone [jersistently 
 
 Goes "Ting-a-ling-a-ling !" 
 We scowl and say "Hello I" when we 
 
 Mean just the other thing. 
 
 Farmers Not the Only Ones. Either. 
 (From the Boston Transcript.) 
 It is reported that moose are being 
 frequently seen and are becoming con- 
 siderable of a nuisance to farmers, 
 who find it necessary to mend their 
 fences frequently where the big ani- 
 mals push through them. 
 
 • « « 
 
 Aw, G'lvan! 
 A carpenter is Mr. Snow, 
 
 A gentle man and kind; 
 And yet I've often known him to 
 
 Make a Venetian blind. 
 
 Wonder. 
 Twinkle, twinkle, movie star, 
 How I wonder if jou are 
 Just as pretty and serene 
 
 As we see you on the screen. 
 
 • « ft 
 
 More Appropriate. 
 The orange blossom is the official 
 wedding flower. But we know of some 
 we<Jdings where it ought to have been 
 
 the marigold. 
 
 * * # 
 
 Paradoxical. 
 "It seems to me," said Mr. Jack, 
 
 A most amazing stunt 
 That when .some one takes us aback 
 
 We always take affront. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Modest. 
 She is as modest as she's sweet ; 
 
 We speak of Dotty Dorringe, 
 Who blushes like the well-known beet 
 
 To see a navel orange. 
 
 ft » • 
 
 Some Famous Pins. 
 Hair 
 Hat 
 
 Scarf 
 Safety 
 Ten 
 Belaying. 
 
 ft ft ft 
 
 Heard at the Movies. 
 
 "I wisht some people would take off 
 their hats." 
 
 "Didn't I tell you that was the way 
 it was going to come out?" 
 
 "Don't you think Francis X. Bush- 
 man is just too cute for anything?" 
 
 "I wonder if Theda Bara is really 
 as wicked as she tries to make out?" 
 
 " 'n I says to her, Maud, I don't be- 
 lieve Henry said any such of a thing, 
 and she says, Yes, he did, and if you 
 don't believe it, you can ast him your- 
 self, and then I says ." 
 
 "I used to couldn't tell what the 
 characters were saying, but I got .so 
 now I can read their lips nearly every 
 time. Look there I She said, 'Good 
 God!" 
 
 "Betcha she kills him in the next 
 reel." 
 
 "C*mon, less go. Thass where we 
 came in." 
 
154 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The Fire-eaters. 
 T. R. isn't such a much with his dis- 
 covery of a bearded bird. Once we 
 discovered a green gorilla, a scarlet 
 and yellow hippopotamus and a red, 
 white and blue snake, all at the same 
 
 time. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Tut! Tut! 
 We are peeved with the Fatherland, 
 
 And if she won't desist 
 We'll speak to her quite roughly, and 
 
 Slap her upon the wrist. 
 
 « » « 
 
 Where Are the Songs of Yesteryear? 
 Do you remember — 
 
 "Red Wing?" 
 
 "Hiawatha?" 
 
 "I Met My Love at the Alamo?" 
 
 "Shine On, Silver Moon, Shine On?" 
 
 "Tell Me, Pretty Maiden?" 
 
 "Love Me, and the World is Mine?" 
 
 "And the Worst of it is, I Like It?" 
 
 "Silver Heels?" 
 
 « * ♦ 
 
 Terra del Fuego, April 6, 1936: 
 Special to The State: Two regiments 
 of American cavalry, led by Briga- 
 dier-General Dodd, arrived here today 
 in pursuit of the Mexican bandit 
 Villa, who passed through last night. 
 Although 84 years of age, Gen. Dodd 
 has borne the hardships of the saddle 
 amazingly well. He expressed himself 
 as confident of capturing the notorious 
 outlaw almost any year now. Villa is 
 
 reported to have lost a leg. 
 
 « » « 
 
 Suggested Punishments for Villa. 
 Make him sing "The Star Spangled 
 Banner," or 
 
 Become an umpire, or 
 
 Work in a munitions plant, or 
 
 Drink some blind tiger licker, or 
 
 Live in Charlotte, or 
 
 Read The Congressional Record, or 
 
 Eat a Charleston waffle, or 
 
 Appoint him a paragrapher. 
 
 • « • 
 
 "How's the Folks, Jim"f 
 How doth the busy candidate 
 Keep always on the jump ; 
 There's scarce a hand in this broad 
 land 
 That will not get a pump. 
 
 Not Knocking the Rev. Percy, of Course. 
 (From the Hartford Courant.) 
 After President M. C. Manternach 
 thought that the banqueters had en- 
 joyed themselves enough, he called for 
 order and immediately introduced the 
 
 Rev. Percy E. Thomas. 
 
 « * • 
 
 You Might Escape the Heat In 
 Ice, Ky. 
 
 Breezy Point, N. H. 
 Chilly, Ida. 
 Fi-ost, Minn. 
 Cold Stream, W. Va. 
 Glacier, Mont. 
 Snowball, Ark. 
 
 Zero, Ky. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Everyday Whoppers. 
 
 "Yes, sir ; your train's on time." 
 
 "Coolest spot in the mountains ; no 
 flies, no mosquitoes." 
 
 "It weighed 30 pounds and was at 
 least 4 feet long." 
 
 "Absolutely guaranteed for 25 
 years." 
 
 "I'll be detained late tonight on 
 important business, m'dear." 
 
 "Now $12.98; worth $25.00." 
 
 "Owner is selling on account of ill 
 health." 
 
 "There was no hurry, old man ; I'd 
 forgotten all about lending you that 
 five." 
 
 "I've run it 5,000 miles without a 
 
 single puncture." 
 
 • ♦ » 
 
 Our Human Zoology. 
 Night hawks. 
 Bull moose. 
 Queer fish. 
 Selfish brutes. 
 End-seat hogs. 
 Blind tigers. 
 Loan sharks. 
 Social lions. 
 Lame ducks. 
 
 Lucky dogs. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Maybe it's true, as the staid London 
 Standard avers, that the Bank of Eng- 
 land has 32 different methods of detect- 
 ing bad notes. But there's many a 
 country banker hereabouts who'd like 
 to learn some dozen or so of them. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 155 
 
 Do you Remember (Positively Last 
 Appearance on Any Stage) — 
 
 "Somebody Lied"? 
 
 "Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts for 
 Soldiers"? 
 
 "My Wife's Gone to the Country"? 
 
 "He's a Devil in His Own Home 
 Town"? 
 
 "After the Ball Is Over"? 
 
 "That's How I Need You"? 
 
 "Because You're You"? 
 
 "I'm Afraid to Come Home in the 
 Dark"? 
 
 "Old Budweiser's a Friend of Mine"? 
 
 * * * 
 
 Some Famous — and Infamous — Flies. 
 House. 
 Pop. 
 Butter. 
 Horse. 
 Foul. 
 Fishing. 
 
 Marguerite Clark and Mary Pick- 
 ford are maids to be seen and not 
 
 heard. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Sh07-t Orders. 
 
 You can't preserve yourself by get- 
 ting pickled. 
 
 We suppose that when the full moon 
 sobers up, it makes a bee line for the 
 big dipper. 
 
 A good many family trees are shady. 
 
 A friend in need is apt to keep you 
 broke. 
 
 Some men are born heroes, and 
 others tip the dining car waiter a 
 nickel. 
 
 A word to the wise is a waste of 
 breath. 
 
 We used to have a tobacco-chewing 
 friend who was a source of pure and 
 unadulterated delight to us. The man 
 was the Ty Cobb of the Brown's Mule 
 League, and he never failed to land a 
 chew in the office cuspidor, which was 
 15 feet from his chair, if an inch ; but 
 alas ! we have fallen upon degenerate 
 days, and we doubt if any of the boys 
 that have dropped in on us in the past 
 few months has spit a point better 
 than .220. 
 
 Half Lengths. 
 
 Married men have better halves but 
 bachelors have better quarters. 
 
 It's fuuny how unfair so many fair 
 women can be. 
 
 A girl should have more than two 
 strings to her beau. 
 
 Every married woman is a leading 
 lady. 
 
 The apple of a youngster's eye is 
 usually a peach. 
 
 Pigheadeduess is the determination 
 of an enemy. 
 
 An optimist is a man who, when he 
 gets the worst of it, makes the best 
 of it. 
 
 Sheet music — snores. 
 
 Three Nuisances. 
 Professional Irishmen. 
 Professional Southerners. 
 Professional New Yorkers. 
 
 Famous Bones. 
 Jaw. 
 Funny. 
 Back. 
 Collar. 
 Wish. 
 
 Fred Merkle's. 
 
 * * • 
 
 Now here's a cheery quintette: 
 Maria Gay. 
 Merry del Val. 
 Samuel G. Blythe. 
 Cornelius Bliss, Jr. 
 Henry B. Joy. 
 
 Times Change. 
 Tempora mutantur et nos mutamur 
 in illos, or words to that general effect, 
 as the old coot remarked that time, 
 and we can even remember when this 
 was such a somniferous old village 
 that a dog fight on Main street drew 
 an enormous crowd and the annual 
 visits of the Swiss Bell Ringers and 
 "Human Hearts" were the leading 
 theatrical events of the season and 
 when the street car would obligingly 
 stop at any place on the block to let 
 you off, and when if you entered a 
 store and the proprietor was busy 
 talking or playing checkers in the back 
 with a crony, they would say : "Sh-h- !" 
 and wait breathlessly for you to go 
 out. 
 
156 
 
 POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 
 
 WUhclm's "Punishmoit." 
 "Come up ! come up !" the Kaiser 
 grrinued, 
 "And take your castitration ; 
 Most sriovously, Herr. yon have sinned 
 
 Ajraiust the Yankee nation !" 
 Then on that luckless wight he pinned 
 A handsome decoration. 
 
 "We hear a lot of people saying. 'It 
 looks like Roosevelt.' " — Philadelphia 
 North American. Poor little cuss ! 
 Never mind, children change a great 
 
 deal as they grow older. 
 
 « * * 
 
 Now that we have our Culinary 
 Quartette, or rather, trio, since Zach 
 Wheat properly belongs to the list be- 
 low, let's see if we can lind some 
 material for Kitchen, Baker and Cook 
 to work with. Here's a starter : 
 
 Hamilton Fish. 
 
 Robert Bacon. 
 
 "Ham" Lewis. 
 
 Grant land Rice, 
 
 Jim Coffey. 
 
 A pest is a man who takes up a lot 
 of your time praising himself to you 
 for some stunt he pulled off, when you 
 want to be praising yourself to him 
 for some stimt you pulled off. 
 
 A woman gets a big reputation for 
 modesty when she refused to wear low- 
 necked gowns, but it is about a ten to 
 one shot that she has moles where you 
 could see 'em. 
 
 Short Orders. 
 
 You can't burn the candle at both 
 ends and keep it dark. 
 
 And if you get dry on the water- 
 wagon, recollect that there are springs 
 in it. 
 
 A square man never lacks a circle of 
 friends. 
 
 It's a funny language, boys. The 
 closer a man is, the harder he is to 
 touch. 
 
 A man who is as honest as the day 
 is long may need watching at night. 
 
 In the game of hearts, diamonds are 
 trumps. 
 
 A peck of trouble is rarely short 
 weight. 
 
 Some of those G. O. P. dark horses 
 
 bid fair to turn out to be night-mares. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Mahitaining peace with Mexico 
 seems to be just about as expensive as 
 war. 
 
 It's easy to guess the tongue of the 
 Roosevelt bandwagon. 
 
 Do You Remember : — 
 
 "Peg O' My Heart"? 
 
 "My Wild Irish Rose"? 
 
 "Bill Bailey?" 
 
 "When We Are M-A-R-R-I-E-D"? 
 
 "Under the Anheuser Bush"? 
 
 "Waiting at the Church?" 
 
 "Lindy"? 
 
 "Row, Row, Row"? 
 
 "Down Mobile"? 
 
 • • • 
 
 Huh ! 
 I sat one eve on the river bank. 
 
 And looked at the silvery stream, 
 And what I saw convinces me 
 That life is only a dream. 
 
 — Milwaukee Journal. 
 
 "I sat one morn on the edge of the 
 bed," 
 Said a friend of ours, "and, well, 
 The way I felt convinces me 
 That life is simply awful." 
 
 — Macon Telegraph. 
 
 I stood one aft. on a windj corner, 
 And looked at the breezes at play. 
 
 And what I saw convinces me 
 
 That I am going right back to that 
 there w. c. on the very first 
 
 windy day. 
 
 « * * 
 
 II Must Be Sweltering In 
 Sweatman, Miss. 
 Heaters, W. Va. 
 Hothouse, Ga. 
 Fry, Ky. 
 Suncook, N. H. 
 Blaze. Ky. 
 Furnace, Mass. 
 
 A Chicago woman is raising sand, 
 merely because her husband anointed 
 her with a good deal of oil and then 
 struck a match to her in his playful 
 way. It impresses us that women are 
 becoming more and more unreasonable 
 every day. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 
 
 167 
 
 Things We Never Hear. 
 
 "I would not advise you to buy these 
 goods, madam, as they are not as ad- 
 vertised." 
 
 "Sure, I'm aj;ent for this car, but I 
 gotta say it's the punkest flivver on 
 the market." 
 
 "Will you sign this sub.scription list, 
 sir? We want to buy a handsome 
 loving cup for the umpire." 
 
 "I'lease don't put that dollar in the 
 plate. A quarter will be ample." 
 
 "Certainly, m'dear ; invite your 
 mother to visit us for as long as she 
 Iike.s." 
 
 "I just dropped in to congratulate 
 you on the splendid work your paper 
 Ls doing." 
 
 "Mister, you dropped this pocket- 
 book just now." 
 
 "Sure $10 will be enough, old man?" 
 
 "Let me bat again, umps ; that hit 
 was foul by a foot." 
 
 "The reason I spent so much last 
 term, dad, was poker and booze." 
 
 "I'lea.se tell the society editor not to 
 
 mention my reception tonight." 
 
 « « « 
 
 Home Famous Crosses 
 Iron. 
 Red. 
 Double. 
 Victoria. 
 
 Charing. 
 
 ♦ * * 
 
 Some Famous Notes. 
 Key. 
 Bank. 
 
 Promissory. 
 Foot. 
 Woodrow's. 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who 
 thought it would be Improper and 
 Immodest to go downtown on a windy 
 day now has a daughter whose .shop- 
 ping takes her by every corner sky- 
 scraper in town when there is a young 
 gale on. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Some Famous Caps. 
 Thinking. 
 Liberty. 
 Fool's. 
 Night. 
 White. 
 Skull. 
 
 Some lawyers are so recklessly gen- 
 erous that when they win a suit they 
 are willing to give their client the 
 sleeves of the vest. 
 
 • • • 
 
 You Bet. 
 A word of cheer, 
 
 A friendly hand 
 When things go wrong 
 
 To beat the band 
 Will help a lot 
 
 More than you know; 
 You just see if 
 
 It isn't so. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Douamont qualifies as the Finnegan 
 fort. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Probably the best vacation tempera- 
 ture is two in the shade. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The ladder of success in politics has 
 many rounds of applause. 
 
 • • * 
 
 He seems to be the Colonel of the 
 political situation everywhere. 
 
 • « • 
 
 Some Musical Communities. 
 Fife, Ga. 
 Drums, Pa. 
 Harpe, N. C. 
 Organ, N. M. 
 Violin, La. 
 Cornet, Wash. 
 Bells, Tenn. 
 Horn, Ky. 
 
 • * * 
 
 It must he a sweet and comforting 
 thought to our young guardsmen, 
 many of whom may never come home 
 again, that in this crisis the encourage- 
 ment our patriotic city gives them is a 
 patronizing smile for their uniform, 
 and that throughout the whole town 
 nary a star-spangled is belly — beg par- 
 don, Algernon, we mean stomaching to 
 
 the breeze. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Purely Imaginary. 
 
 The man we love is William Mills — 
 Although his head's of bone ; 
 
 He listens while we air our ills 
 And never tells his own. 
 
158 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPUS 
 
 The mother country api)ears to be 
 treating us like a stepmother country. 
 
 Somewhat Off Key. 
 We feel inclined to lauiih at Chloe 
 Who calls that German boat the 
 Moewe. 
 But more we giggle at the fervor 
 With which fair Daphne calls it 
 Moewe. 
 
 IlCiird 0)1 the Huiitin(}s. 
 
 "To my mind " 
 
 "I cannot do justice to " 
 
 "Far be it from me " 
 
 "It behooves us " 
 
 "It is hardly necessary to say " 
 
 "One word more and 1 have done." 
 
 '•It falls to my lot " 
 
 •'I cannot tind words tti " 
 
 "In the last analysis " 
 
 "Be that as it may " 
 
 "I shall not detain you longer." 
 "It becomes my painful duty." 
 
 "I point with pride to " 
 
 • » * 
 
 TTfti/ We Love to Sit Behind the Dears. 
 "They call that a punt, don't they?" 
 "Why does that funny man stand so 
 
 near the fence?" 
 "The score's a tie? In whose favor?" 
 "Why does the big. fat man wear 
 
 that idiotic cage on his face?" 
 
 "Look at the scoreboard, John ! The 
 
 score is now aOlMOl to 200,002." 
 
 • • • 
 
 Vow Iht. 
 We'd rather dwell upon the land 
 
 In dull, prosaic bliss 
 Than be an aviator, and 
 Come 
 
 tumbling 
 
 down 
 like 
 
 this. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Up-to-date Postal Guide. 
 Wilson. S. C. 
 Marshall. lud. 
 
 Hughes, Ala. 
 Fairbanks. Ind. 
 
 Roosevelt. N. Y. 
 Parker. Ariz. 
 
 They call 'em grass widows. But, 
 son. di>n't get it into your noodle for 
 a minute that there is anything green 
 about them. Not for a minute. 
 
 The old-fashioned man who wouldn't 
 come in a ball game unless they let 
 him pitch, now has a son who won't 
 join the militia unless they make him 
 
 a lieutenant. 
 
 « * * 
 
 In the matter of our other cheek, 
 Germany evidently feels that one good 
 
 turn deserves another. 
 
 * « * 
 
 Every dot/ Whoppers. 
 
 "I wouldn't marry the best man on 
 earth." 
 
 "Standing Room Only." 
 
 "Sorry, ma'am ; she's just gone out." 
 
 "I dislike circuses myself, but you 
 know I have to take the children." 
 
 "At the solicitation of many friends 
 I hereby announce my candidacy." 
 
 "Positively No Smoking." 
 
 "I'll pay you back tomorrow, sure." 
 
 "Speed Limit 15 Miles an Hour." 
 
 « » • 
 
 Goethals' spring opening will be the 
 biggest of all. 
 
 Their Oeeupation^. 
 The telejihone girl has a calling. 
 The horse-dealer a trade. 
 The seaman a craft. 
 The detective a pursuit. 
 The postman a walK of life. 
 
 Once upon a time a married couple 
 had a violent quarrel, which ended by 
 friend wife's admitting that she was 
 wrong. And friend husband promptly 
 dropped dead from the shock. 
 
 * * « 
 
 All Eipht Othencise. 
 (From the Mansfield, O.. News.) 
 With the exception of being cut In 
 
 two and his left arm cut off, there were 
 
 no other bruises or injuries. 
 
 Yes. 
 The cost of foodstuffs soars apace; 
 
 It is a pity. 
 And yet men sonieaow find enough 
 
 To feed the kitty. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 159 
 
 Dr. Anna Howard Shaw says when 
 women get on juries women litigants 
 will get justice. They will, doc, if they 
 are not too good-looking. A trousered 
 jury will give a star-eyed sister any- 
 thing she wants, but let a jury of 
 women clap their lamps on a woman 
 litigant who is better looking than 
 they are, and she won't stand as much 
 chance as the celebrated tallow cat did 
 when he chased the equally celebrated 
 asbestos rat through hades. 
 
 Some, Hot Weather Reading. 
 
 Nansen's "Farthest North." 
 Whittier's "Snowbound." 
 Russeii s "The Frozen Pirate." 
 Dickens' "Christmas Carol." 
 Loti's "Iceland Fisherman." 
 Jerrold's "Cool as a Cucumber." 
 Peary's "Snowland Folk." 
 Mill's "Siege of the South Pole." 
 Or anything by A. B. Frost or Wil- 
 liam Winter. 
 
 Why Do We Say: 
 Bald as a coot? 
 Busy as a bee? 
 Cool as a cucumber? 
 Full as a goat? 
 Rude as a bear? 
 Gay as a lark? 
 Merry as a cricket? 
 Pale as a ghost? 
 Safe as a bank? 
 Warm as a toast? 
 Sick as a dog? 
 
 Some guys talk big of gore they'll 
 
 spill, 
 And blood they'll wade in to their 
 
 knees ; 
 But the recruiting sergeant will 
 
 Enlist naught but their sympathies. 
 
 * * « 
 
 House Republicans have only a 
 Mann in a position that calls for a 
 man. 
 
 Some Famous Oeorgea. 
 Lloyd 
 Henry 
 St. 
 King 
 By 
 
 The great Kitchener died as truly 
 for England as if he had fallen on the 
 field of battle. England has suffered 
 a staggering loss, but she will fight on 
 more grimly than ever. And you mark 
 our words, one of these days Sir John 
 Jellicoe, standing on the bridge of the 
 Iron Duke, with the Lion, the Tiger, 
 the Warspite, the Marlborough, the 
 Princess Royal, the Malaya and half a 
 hundred colossal dreadnoughts follow- 
 ing in thunderous and flame-belching 
 battle line will exact the bloodiest ven- 
 geance for the slain lion of England 
 that the world has ever seen. 
 
 • • • 
 
 While the war has been hard on the 
 horses, it's a mighty good thing for the 
 
 Colts. 
 
 • • • 
 
 These Should Be Good Ball Towns. 
 Pitcher, N. Y. 
 Slide, Tex. 
 Hitt, Mo. 
 Fanning, Kan. 
 Diamond, Ga. 
 Curve, Va. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Somebody asks us if it is right that 
 Villa lost his left leg. Yes, we under- 
 stand the left leg is right. The right 
 
 leg is left. 
 
 • * • 
 
 To Pilsener. 
 Were we lord of an empiry 
 That stretched from sea to silver sea, 
 With many a rich and puissant town 
 Acknowledged vassals of our crown, 
 We'd swap it for a draught of thee, 
 O amber heaven that once we knew ! 
 O bosom comrade, tried and true, 
 Where once we blithely sipped thy 
 
 cheer, 
 We now, forsooth, swig Unit beer 
 And wish to Pete we were in New 
 York.* 
 
 * — Yes, we know the "York" doesn't 
 fit into the metre, but we had to use 
 the "New," and we are too cussed lazy 
 to look up a good rime and we want to 
 get away from here, anyhow. "And 
 there," as Colonel Dooley was want to 
 remark, "ye arr-r-re." 
 
160 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 It Seems Incredible. 
 (New York Evening Journal.) 
 It is said that he had threatened to 
 kill her the first time he met her. He 
 made good his threat when they met 
 on the street, and she refused to see 
 him again. 
 
 When a Serbian wants to say "Yes" 
 he shakes his head. There's a lot of 
 Serb in the American girl — or so the 
 kiss collectors tell us. 
 
 When a girl makes up her mind, they 
 say, she can catch any man. When she 
 makes up her face her catch will be 
 confined to boys. 
 
 A man will have a fit if the laundry 
 fails to send home one of his .S9c. 
 shirts. But he never thinks of men- 
 tioning it when the laundry sends 
 home somebody else's $7.50 silk shirts 
 by mistake. 
 
 A Cuban court has sentenced a man 
 to 238 years' imprisonment. That 
 ought to be a salutary lesson to the 
 
 fellow. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Next to meeting somebody who ad- 
 mires some one we admire, we all like 
 to meet somebody who hates some one 
 we hate. 
 
 Do you remember — 
 
 "AVaiting for the Robert E. Lee?" 
 
 "Steamboat Bill?" 
 
 "Casey Jones?" 
 
 "On the Mississippi?" 
 
 "When That Midnight Choo-Choo 
 Leaves for Alabam'?" 
 
 "Has Anybody Here Seen Kelly?" 
 
 "You Are the Ideal of My Dreams?" 
 
 "Just One Girl?" 
 
 "Everybody Works But Father?" 
 
 "Just Because She Made Those Goo- 
 Goo Eyes?" 
 
 Some Vegetarian Settlements. 
 Cornstalk, W. Va. 
 Okra, Tenn. 
 Celery City, Fla. 
 Pease. Minn. 
 Rice. Ariz. 
 Hominy, Okla. 
 Turnip, Ariz. 
 
 German submarines are now so lamb- 
 like they could be called ewe-boats. 
 
 Practically all the nations now seem 
 to have recognized Carranza except 
 Mexico. 
 
 Probably the reason so great a num- 
 ber of chest wounds are not fatal is 
 that many a warrior's heart was in his 
 mouth. 
 
 "I took her in my arms and kissed 
 her back," announces Rider Haggard's 
 newest hero. It must have been con- 
 siderable of a feat. 
 
 » « • 
 
 Pot and Kettle. 
 Ye girlie's vain, say all the men, 
 
 They say it with a sigh ; 
 But have you seen ye brother when 
 He's fussing on his tie? 
 
 — Philadelphia Public Ledger. 
 
 Ye girlie's vain, say all the men, 
 
 With self-complacence large ; 
 
 But have you seen a young simp when 
 
 He's getting a shave, shine, haircut, 
 
 tonic, shampoo, singe, witch 
 
 hazel steam, manicure and 
 
 massage? 
 
 • » • 
 
 There is only one time in his life 
 when the average man can make both 
 ends meet. And that is when he is a 
 baby and can take his foot in his 
 mouth. 
 
 A man who is low down enough to 
 sink an unarmed passenger boat is low 
 
 down enough vo lie about it. 
 
 » » » 
 
 Just think how Germany must envy 
 Miss Mary Full Stomach of Washing- 
 ton, D. C. ! 
 
 ♦ * * 
 
 Not the least of the war's little 
 ironies is a Mohammedan paper de- 
 nouncing the Germans as barbarous. 
 
 "Sir Douglas Haig is an ardent fol- 
 lower of the turf." Well, he ought to 
 like a close race. He belongs to one. 
 
 Colonel Roosevelt seems to have 
 tried about everything now except 
 twilight sleep, and probably he'll get 
 around to that in time. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 161 
 
 The Bear is walking like a French- 
 man. 
 
 $10,000 for Villa dead certainly is a 
 stiff price. 
 
 Berlin may observe that even the 
 bookworm will turn. 
 
 Gets Our Angora. 
 If there's one phase we hate with a 
 
 hatred intense, 
 It is that there monstrosity, "Ladies 
 
 and Gents." 
 
 Roosevelt still seems to be the col- 
 onel of the Republican situation. 
 
 It was a noble effort, Theodore, but 
 that there new bird won't get you bet- 
 ter than space on page 11, next to the 
 liver-pill ads. 
 
 A Texas paper says one child is 
 born every four minutes in Texas. We 
 imagine he gets mighty tired of it 
 sometimes. 
 
 Some More or Less Famous Necks. 
 Stiff. 
 Bull. 
 Red. 
 Horse's. 
 Low. 
 
 Huh! 
 He loves to give his coin away, 
 
 Does generous Mr. Kales ; 
 Why, even when he weighs, they say 
 
 He always tips the scales. 
 
 There was an old jurist named Hughes 
 Who said, "It is ti-ue I have vughes. 
 
 But your little game 
 
 To draw out the same 
 Won't work, and I firmly refughes !" 
 
 We call him Dan Cupid, but we 
 imagine most papas of the well known 
 June brides think that Bill would be 
 a more appropriate name. 
 
 English minister has entered the 
 aviation service. Just beginning to see 
 why they call 'em sky pilots. 
 
 Every young papa knows that there 
 are times when a trunk strap is a 
 stern necessity. 
 
 Meditation. 
 (By our Own Swan of Avon.) 
 Goode friend, for Mike his love for- 
 beare 
 To knock ye stuffe that's printed 
 heare ; 
 Blest be ye manne that reades this 
 junke, 
 And curst be he who says it's punke. 
 
 A justice whose surname was Hughes 
 Used to dream on the bench in a 
 snooze 
 How by silence he might 
 Reach the House that is White 
 But he reckoned without the Bull 
 Mooze. 
 
 Art is long, but most artists we 
 know are pretty short. 
 
 Our Funny Language. 
 When we say that the disputants 
 had high words, everybody under- 
 stands, of course, that they were low 
 words. 
 
 A Chicago woman wants a divorce 
 because her husband has not spoken 
 to her for a year. We suppose this 
 patriot has a little courtesy about him 
 and did not want to interrupt her. 
 
 T. R. is our idea of a dramatic 
 critic. 
 
 Whatdye mean, "As happy as a 
 
 king?" 
 
 Holland's literally ready to fight to 
 the last ditch. 
 
 An honest man may be the noblest 
 work of God, but a pretty girl is a 
 mighty close second. 
 
 Some Famous Pots. 
 Ink 
 
 Flesh 
 
 Melting- 
 Jack 
 
 -Licker 
 
 -Luck 
 
 -Boiler. 
 
 Maybe the British call it the "cat 
 squadron" because it keeps the Ger- 
 man fleet mewed up. 
 
162 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Rome 'Noted Irons. 
 Grid 
 Shooting 
 Waffle 
 Mid 
 Flat. 
 
 Britain's ban on musical instru- 
 ments shows that she doesn't intend 
 to make any peace overtures. 
 
 Spring. 
 Spring's on the way, 
 
 Arise to greet 'er; 
 Last night we heard 
 
 A darned mosquito. 
 
 — Macon Telegraph. 
 Spring's on the way, 
 
 All chic and cheery; 
 Our wife is talking 
 
 Millinery. 
 
 — AValton (Ga.) Tribune. 
 Spring's on the way, 
 
 With lenthening stride; 
 We hear 'em say 
 
 "Slide, bonehead, slide!" 
 
 Although it costs $6 to bathe a Sen- 
 ator in one of the bathrooms of the 
 Senatorial Office building, the more 
 expensive process of skinning a Sen- 
 ator is frequently advisable. 
 
 The Charlotte Chronicle publishes 
 an enormous cut of Andrew Jackson 
 on its first page. Despite the ravages 
 of time, the General looks remarkably 
 well and vigorous, and we have no 
 hesitation in predicting that should 
 the brave fight which North Carolina 
 is making for his nomination be 
 guerdoned with a triumphal coronal 
 at Baltimore, the General will be a 
 most formidable candidate. After 
 Woodrow Wilson, we are for Andy. 
 
 The Ten Most Dispensable Writers. 
 Arnold Bennett. 
 Thomas Dixon, Jr. 
 Elinor Glyn. 
 Cale Young Rice. 
 Bernard Shaw, 
 Arthur Brisbane. 
 Frederick A. Cook. 
 Dr. Parkhurst. 
 Charles Edward Russell. 
 Lincoln Steffens. 
 
 "Stone walls do not a prison make." 
 So sang the bard to his soul's queen ; 
 But you had best for your own sake, 
 Not mention it to Emmeline. 
 
 The wedding invitation says "your 
 presence is requested." But every- 
 body understands pretty well that it 
 means, "your presents are requested." 
 
 Some Well-known Bugs. 
 June. 
 Lady. 
 Red. 
 Bed. 
 Lightning. 
 
 We don't suppose anything more de- 
 lights a sister who has been operated 
 on than to talk it over at great length 
 with another sister who has had the 
 same kind of operation. 
 
 GeVs Our Angora. 
 We'd love to biff 
 
 That sissy he 
 Whose strongest oath 
 
 Is "Mercy me !" 
 
 The esteemed Fatherland is a paper 
 of discrimination. For instance, when 
 it wishes an article on "Why Ger- 
 many Sends Beer to the Front," it 
 secures no less an authority than Dr. 
 Stein to write it. 
 
 "Americans," proclaims the Colonel, 
 "should be able to hold their heads 
 high." Theodore, they are plenty able 
 to hold their heads high right now, 
 but as long as skirts are in the pres- 
 ent fashion, they air not a-gwine to 
 do no such a thing, as our Tarheel 
 friends would put it. 
 
 Germany must be greatly amazed 
 to know that Wilson was a professor 
 
 of history, and not of belles lettres. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Is Berlin's silence golden or guilt? 
 
 Well, you'd naturally look for a 
 squeal from a pork barrel. 
 
 Beauty, of course, is an asset. But 
 the girls who have greenbacks don't 
 have to worry over not having pink 
 faces. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 163 
 
 A Postoffice Romance, in Five Reels. 
 Friendship, N. Y. 
 Love, Va. 
 Kissimmee, Fla. 
 Ring, Ark. 
 Parson, Ky. 
 
 We imagine that Prof. Garner, who 
 has gone to Africa to investigate the 
 monkey language, never heard a six- 
 months-old baby and its young 
 mother and mother's mother goo-goo- 
 
 ing and cluck-clucking at one another. 
 
 • * » 
 
 Fore ! 
 Green, Ky. 
 Bunker, Mo. 
 Driver, Ark. 
 Irons, Mich. 
 Caddie, W. Va. 
 Hazard, Neb. 
 Golf, 111. 
 
 Epitaph. 
 Beneath this stone lies Gabriel Reave 
 
 In his last resting place. 
 They looked into the poor boob's sleeve 
 
 And found an extra ace. 
 
 If you see it in The Sun, it's sore. 
 
 The wages of gin is headache. 
 
 "An Austrian army awfully atraid" ! 
 
 If you have any Scotch kinfolks we 
 suppose you know what a close rela- 
 tive is. 
 
 Friend Al Stuff. 
 Charleston culchaw, as exemplified 
 in the advertising columns of the illus- 
 trious Evening Post : "Women every- 
 where knows that their figure is 
 dependent entirely upon their cor- 
 set. ..." 
 
 We men have a lot of fun saying 
 sarcastic things about the women, and 
 we think it is Smart and Cynical, but 
 you may have noticed that when a 
 man is sick or in trouble, he doesn't 
 go and hide his head in another man's 
 lap to pour out his woes. 
 
 Joseph H. Choate says the Colonel 
 is "found wanting." And wanting 
 mighty bad, too, Joe. 
 
 The old-fashioned boy who used to 
 save up his Octagon soap wrappers to 
 get a parlor rifle now has a son who 
 saves his cigarette coupons to get a 
 wrist watch. 
 
 Why College Professors Are Driven to 
 Per liny. 
 
 "Joan of Arc was the wife of Noah." 
 
 "Tobacco was introduced into Eng- 
 land by Henry Clay." 
 
 "Romulus and Remus were a 
 couple of Siamese twins who made 
 Rome howl." 
 
 "Fratricide is a fiend who murders 
 a college student. Insecticide is a man 
 who kills his aunt." 
 
 "The Nihilists are the people of the 
 Nile country." 
 
 "Sodom and Gomorrah are the two 
 Hebrew children who were burned in 
 the fiery furnace." 
 
 "A misanthrope is a man who mar- 
 ries his own wife." 
 
 "The Treaty of Ghent was so called 
 because every man bought his own 
 
 drink." 
 
 • • « 
 
 "Speaking of operas," remarks a 
 contemporary, "what did William 
 Tell?" Something funny, evidently, 
 for it made Lohengrin. — Boston Trans- 
 cript. 
 
 Gotterdammerung ! 
 
 We can stand almost any kind of 
 men. But it doesn't take a phrenolo- 
 gist to catalogue the mutt who won't 
 look you in the eye and who gives you 
 a limp, flabby hand to shake. 
 
 We have lamped at least one teacher 
 of the female persuasion for whom we 
 would be willing to chuck this busi- 
 ness, princely salary and all, and go 
 back to school. 
 
 Those Irish rebels evidently wanted 
 to change their emblem from the 
 shamrock to the sweet william. 
 
 Why is It, anyway, that the things 
 we like to eat are Not Good for Us, 
 and the eats we loathe are Healthy 
 and Wholesome? 
 
uu 
 
 POEMS A .V/> /M AM (ih\[ PHS 
 
 lUill n\(>osors soimu to h;ivo ;ib:m- 
 doiUHi "Onwanl, Obristian SoUliors" 
 for "Blost bo tho tio that bimls." 
 
 "RoosovoU (.-alls Uarnos PtMiuHraoy's 
 groatost assot." Oomo, ooiuo. sir; you 
 forsjet yoursolf. 
 
 Tbort^'s a wholo lot of ililToroiuo bi^ 
 twoon upholdiu;; tho rrosidout and 
 boldius: him up. 
 
 It doos siHMu paradoxioal. lUit 
 wlitMi a woman has lurvos wo always 
 want luM' 'round. 
 
 Somo mon's partiiular t'rionds are 
 ovidontly uot vory particular. 
 
 Wo supposo tho firm namo of Kryan 
 and tho poaoo dovo would bo Hill vS; 
 Coo. 
 
 Somo Kopublioan ]>ai>ors monkoy 
 with a bn/.z saw and othors s;ot i:ay 
 with tho Now York World. 
 
 A bra/.ou grab, as wo understand it. 
 Is an appropriation bill that tho othor 
 party passes. 
 
 I.ausxb, and tho world lauixhs with 
 you, though it must bo admittod that 
 tlio prohibition sootion of it would 
 much prof or a smlU\ 
 
 "Roosovolt Cool in Dofoat."— lload- 
 lino. Vory oool in thoni, indood. 
 
 Gon. Snnits oucht to bo srood for 
 worlv in tho Dark Continont. 
 
 Oormany soon\s to bo havina: bottor 
 luck usini: poison sras than Thoodoro. 
 
 What lias booomo of tho old-fash- 
 loutHl srirl who ustni to woar hor dross 
 
 down to hor shoo-tops? 
 
 * tt * 
 
 Whon you start lookins; for somo 
 politicians' footprints on tho sands of 
 time, stoor for tho nuidholos first. 
 
 If those Turks in Mesopotamia still 
 have their in-ayor-rucs. this is tho 
 riixht time to use 'em. 
 
 From all indications, the Colsiate- 
 Williams s^ame will be quite a brush. 
 A roiiiilar rubborset-to. as it wore. 
 
 'I'ho Hritisli claim it was a drawn 
 battle, though so far wo haven't soon 
 even a jihotouraph o( it. 
 
 A chip in tho pot is worth two on 
 tho shoulder. 
 
 Great trouble about the Knujlish 
 channel seems to bo that it isn't. 
 
 Tho Koosovolts mnrmnr. but the 
 Wilsons are dumb. 
 
 The C>ld i;uard: "(,')ur kiuiidom for 
 a dark horse!" 
 
 Whenever John I>ull tries to put his 
 best foot forward, tho most conspicu- 
 ous thinirs seem to bo the spats. 
 
 Yoii Kiinir Ilim. 
 lie took a most bloodthirsty stand 
 
 A year aL:<i ; 
 He s.Mid we must wade ri,i:;ht in and 
 
 1-iek Mexico, 
 l^ut now our V(dunteers have ,i:ot 
 
 Their khaki on. 
 Wo vainly seek this patriot — 
 
 Where has he jrono"? 
 
 T. K.. with all thy faults, wo love 
 thee still! 
 
 * » • 
 
 I\v the side of Old Whiskeranza. a 
 Missouri nmle shines as a paraixon of 
 
 wisdom and sweet reasonableness. 
 
 « « • 
 
 rershins: is a srood srenoral. but Villa 
 has biui beat a mile. 
 
 'I'hey call it loiial tender, but jxettins; 
 it is certainly tous^h enou.^h. 
 
 If it will reassure tho fair damsel 
 with the horizontal plume who sat in 
 front of us at the movie on Saturday 
 we take pleasure in tostifyin;: that it 
 taster! tine. 
 
 "Of what use are kinsis?" demands a 
 Kontuiky orator. Well, they are ixroat 
 little openers, for one thins;. 
 
 Somebody is writinir on "TTonry VIII 
 as a SJiiiiblor." and now we think of 
 it we do seem to remember that he 
 held some queens. 
 
 The Old Guard certainly knows how 
 to do thinixs to a T. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 105 
 
 We Hee by the psiF'fira that Enver 
 Pasha, who was assaH.sinatefl last 
 Tuesday and Thursday, Las returned 
 to Constantinople. 
 
 The HUK^estion that the Hef-ond-story 
 sidewalks be built in Boston in order 
 to relieve tiie crowded condition of the 
 thorou^^hfares implies that more of the 
 Bostonians iiave their feet on the 
 ground than has been supposed. 
 
 The Psalmist said in his haste that 
 
 all men are El Paso correspondents. 
 
 • * * 
 
 John Bull does have his troubles, 
 what witli casements and drafts. 
 
 « « • 
 
 John Bull still seems to be paying 
 more attention to our letters than to 
 our notes. 
 
 Fiske tires. 
 
 • • « 
 
 Villa was once a carpenter, but now 
 
 he can't even make a stand. 
 
 ♦ » * 
 
 The American government, we take 
 it, is divided between four houses : 
 White, upper, lower and Colonel. 
 
 Amato and Paderewski booked for a 
 Sing Sing concert somehow reminds us 
 of the stars and stripes. 
 
 Somehow, Germany at Verdun 
 always reminds us of Brer Rabbit and 
 the tar baby. 
 
 Our cat and the neighbors' cats seem 
 to have Higne<l one of those agreements 
 
 not to make a separate peace. 
 
 « • • 
 
 If that's the "cream of Germany's 
 army" before Verdun, it begins to look 
 like whipped cream. 
 
 What has always puzzled us, though, 
 is how the fool and his money hap- 
 pened to get together in the first place. 
 
 • • • 
 
 "Is hell a reality?" asks the Mem- 
 phis Commercial Appeal. No man who 
 ever bucked four nines with an ace- 
 full would ask a foolish question like 
 
 that. 
 
 « » • 
 
 France's new ban on the importa- 
 tion of undressed skins certainly will 
 be tough on the Russian ballet. 
 
 Old Whiskeranza has plenty of 
 troops and guns, but our observation is 
 that he prefers to employ the favorite 
 weapon of the late Gen. Samson of the 
 Israelite Army. 
 
 Famouff Gardcnn of History. 
 The hanging. 
 Eden. 
 Of Ailah. 
 Madison Square. 
 
 Mary. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The merry month of May 
 
 Will give way 
 
 Pretty soon 
 To the Marry month of June I 
 
 Things are bad enough, Lord knows, 
 But yet they might be worse — 
 
 For The<xlore, instead of prose, 
 Might say it in blank-verse. 
 
 Why? 
 The deck is so full of a number of 
 
 kings, 
 Why is it you never can catch the darn 
 
 things? 
 
 * • • 
 
 Luke McLuke certainly hits the 
 cow's husband's optic when he says 
 that the reason a girl is called a belle 
 is because you never discover that she 
 has a tongue until after you give her a 
 ring. 
 
 Houndx PlauHible. 
 ("From the Knoxville Journal and 
 Tribune.) 
 Miss Mary E. Bell, as her given 
 name shows, is a won)an. 
 
 In Kentucky we wot of a Colonel 
 Whose juleps are more than diurnal; 
 
 When he thinks of T. R. 
 
 With his fist bangs the bar. 
 
 Using language that's simply infernal. 
 
 « * * 
 
 "Give a woman a man's chance," is 
 the new suflf slogan, but Dr. Mary 
 Walker will have none of it. "Give 
 a woman," thunders the good doctor, 
 
 "give a woman a man's pants!" 
 
 * * « 
 
 Oh, for some worms, 
 A slender pole, 
 
 And that old drow- 
 sy fishin' hole 1 
 
166 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "The story of the death of Napoleon, 
 published on yesterday's editorial 
 page, should have been credited to the 
 Kansas City Star." — Houston Post. 
 Nothing like exactness in these mat- 
 ters of thrilling current interest. 
 * * * 
 
 "The time has come, the Penrose 
 said, to talk of many things." — Balti- 
 more Sun. 
 
 "Of cabbages and Standard Oil." — 
 Cincinnati Enquirer. 
 
 And whether Perk has wings. 
 
 When August sees a fall of snow, 
 And naphtha quenches fire, 
 
 A President of Mexico 
 Of old age will expire. 
 
 A lass who was kissed in Missouri 
 Asked for damages large from a jouri ; 
 But it gave this mad miss 
 Just four bits for the kiss. 
 And she quitted the place in a fouri ! 
 
 Jonah was entering the whale. 
 
 "We all get down in the mouth 
 sometimes," he explained. 
 
 Hereupon we hailed him as the 
 Champion Optimist. 
 
 America's biggest crop of dates is 
 grown on its family trees. 
 
 Judd 
 climate : 
 
 Lewis's idea of Houston's 
 
 "Not 
 Hot." 
 Which naturally elicits the obvious 
 What 
 
 Rot! 
 
 « « « 
 
 Hints of jackpots in a story 
 Told in deep potation, 
 
 Make a little Senatori- 
 al investigation. 
 
 Ah, would we were a big league star. 
 To pick a curve and lace it 
 
 Out where the dappled meadows are. 
 While weary fielders chase it! 
 
 There is a young lady in Del. 
 Who clothes her fair form, as you're 
 wel. 
 
 In trousers and spats. 
 
 And masculine hats. 
 Now what in the can a fel.? 
 
 The chestnut crop is short in Maine, 
 This saddening news one gleans ; 
 
 But it is pretty healthy in 
 The comic magazines. 
 
 All of which reminds us of 
 The conceited old codger of Perth 
 Who slipped from his high upper- 
 berth, 
 And woke screams of glee ; 
 But he said, said he, 
 "I certainly see no cause for mirth!" 
 
 Friend wife has gone vacationing. 
 
 Taking all her grips; 
 Now through the house Pa's friends 
 carouse. 
 
 And rattle poker chips. 
 
 Far be it from an humble para- 
 grapher to criticize so blazing and 
 coruscating a literary luminary as 
 Hon. Irvin Cobb, but somehow his 
 announcement that "It is the very 
 flower of the manhood of Europe that 
 is being chewed up in the merciless 
 mill of war" doesn't look just exactly 
 right. 
 
 The experience of that Ohio dame, 
 aged 101, who complains that no one 
 ever kissed her, is sad, but by no 
 means unique in the annals of oscu- 
 lation. 
 
 "Ere they hewed the Sphinx's visage 
 Favoritism governed kissage. 
 Even as it does in this age. " 
 
 May we commend a line or two of 
 Browning to the firm of Hohenzollern 
 & von Tirpitz? 
 "Go practice if you please 
 With men and women ; leave a child 
 alone 
 
 For Christ's particular love's sake!" 
 
 At that, we are not neutral enough 
 to refrain from giving three cheers for 
 brave old France at fairly frequent 
 intervals. 
 
 A Milwaukee paper praises the pass- 
 ing of Congress. Any sort of bier looks 
 good to Milwaukee. 
 
 The Germans are again pushing 
 toward the Vistula. Sort of Riverside 
 Drive, so to speak. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 167 
 
 The Colonel's flown 
 
 Up in a rage 
 They've hurled him from 
 
 That dear front page. 
 
 "The deck is so full of a number of 
 
 kings 
 Why is it so hard to draw three of the 
 
 things?" — Detroit Free Press. 
 And when you draw three, by Dame 
 
 Fortune's good graces, 
 Why is it the other chap always 
 
 draws aces? 
 
 That Louvain professor who will 
 lecture at Harvard on mathematics 
 ought to be an authority on trigger- 
 nometry. 
 
 New York man who has divorced his 
 fourth wife would have made a miser- 
 able cobbler — he never sticks to his 
 last. 
 
 Cost of removing Panama slides 
 gives "dirt-cheap" a decidedly ironical 
 
 twist. 
 
 * * * 
 
 When a fat woman is rich, she isn't 
 
 fat. She has a Becoming Embonpoint. 
 
 « * « 
 
 Billy Sunday, it seems moves some 
 to tears and others to quit getting on 
 'em. 
 
 The Dardanelles must be one of those 
 inside straits we hear so much about. 
 
 The dear Colonel is as shrinkiugly 
 modest as ever. His epistle to the 
 American Legion authorities begins, 
 "I and my four sons." 
 
 We are as charitable to our fellow 
 man as most people. But the lad who 
 boasts that he hasn't an enemy in the 
 world gives us a pain. 
 
 Now that Germany has shown her 
 hand. Uncle Sam may show his fist. 
 
 Another one of those pathetic little 
 features of every day life is the rapid- 
 ity with which a paragrapher's esteem, 
 almost affection, in fact, for a prom- 
 inent periodical that used to quote him 
 pretty regularly but quit, can change 
 to withering contempt. 
 
 "The London Sketch has always been 
 lenient to us," somebdy joyou.sly in- 
 forms the New York Tribune. What 
 a load this takes off off our minds ! 
 Suppose — oh, horrible thought — that 
 the London Sketch had not always 
 
 been lenient to us I 
 
 * * * 
 
 Seems highly appropriate that Brit- 
 ain's new method of catching sub- 
 marines with nets was suggested by 
 
 Lord Fisher. 
 
 • « « 
 
 In time of peace, prepare for jaw. 
 
 Add Famous Jacks: 
 Four. 
 
 "It is only 3,600 miles to New 
 York!" shouts a jingo Munich editor, 
 evidently forgetting in his excitement 
 that it is also just 3,600 miles to 
 Munich. 
 
 Some men are born optimists, and 
 others try to sell digestion tablets in 
 
 Mexico. 
 
 « » » 
 
 Unimportant, if true: Hon. Tona 
 Marshall says he is also behind the 
 
 President. 
 
 » * * 
 
 A lot of men get the idea that they 
 are breezy when they are merely 
 
 windy. 
 
 » » • 
 
 The French advance by the yard, 
 but those Russians seem to rely most 
 on two feet. 
 
 Speaking of the hyphenates, we 
 wonder how England would have got 
 along without Lloyd-George. 
 
 Washington's revision ; 
 not yet begun to write." 
 
 "We have 
 
 You don't have to be any prodigal 
 
 son these days to see a fatted calf. 
 
 » » ♦ 
 
 If the war keeps up much longer, 
 Wall Street will get to be known as 
 
 Easy Street. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Add Life's-Little-Tragedies : 
 The skater wanted to find if the Ice 
 was thin. 
 It was. 
 
168 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Two heads may be better than one, 
 as the proverb assures us, but you 
 can't make an old soak believe it. 
 
 Even the most staid and respectable 
 husband likes for his wife to think he 
 is a devil among the women. 
 
 Motto of the German submarine : 
 "Women and children first." 
 
 Lloyd-George appears to be the 
 water-wagon's tongue. 
 
 "Will T. R. go back?" many Pro- 
 gressives ask. But the important 
 question is, "Will T. R. come back?" 
 
 "I am thinking of the country," says 
 the Colonel. Not, we trust, what he 
 thought of it three years ago. 
 
 When Mr. Bryan wants money he 
 speaks for it. 
 
 Our own idea of a safety raiser is 
 an ace in the hole. 
 
 Christmas is a time when dough is 
 kneaded most. 
 
 If a Democrat says it, it's an epi- 
 gram ; if a Republican, a platitude. 
 
 Greece is all in a ferment, but it is 
 thought that she will be unable to take 
 any active steps at present, the soldiers 
 not yet having received those funny 
 little petticoats from the laundry. 
 
 The freshmen are meek and humble 
 enough now. But in four years they'll 
 be strutting around telling everybody 
 how to run their business. 
 
 It's the White Slav peril that agi- 
 tates Turkey. 
 
 "Austrians Retire Before Russians." 
 — New York Times. We trust that 
 they pulled down the shades. 
 
 If there is anything in a name, here 
 are some folks who ought to be happy : 
 Cornelius Bliss, Maria Gay. Samuel 
 G. Blythe, Henry B. Joy, Merry del 
 Val. 
 
 The Navy's Edison record should 
 insure a victor record. 
 
 With fancies fraught 
 Are dreamland's halls; 
 
 Last night we thought 
 We caught four balls. 
 
 Well, it certainly begins to look as 
 if peace may break out in Mexico 
 almost any minute now. 
 
 To make a long story short — the 
 city editor. 
 
 When a girl goes down town without 
 dolling up before the mirror for half- 
 an-hour, her mother knows there is 
 something wrong with her and that 
 she ought to see the doctor at once. 
 
 The paths of glory lead but to the 
 front page. 
 
 Composing rooms — bedchambers. 
 
 Merchantmen may constitute one of 
 the arteries of commerce, but some- 
 times they are blood vessels. 
 
 In the spring the German's fancy 
 lightly turns to thoughts of bombs. 
 
 General Chao has fallen in Mexico, 
 but general chaos is still right there. 
 
 What von Hiudenburg has just done, 
 Hannibal, Napoleon and Lee did time 
 and again, but numbers told in the 
 end. Crushing an army isn't crushing 
 a nation. 
 
 "Gut morgen. Kaiser ! Can we use a 
 little of your ocean today, please sir?" 
 
 "England," says the New York 
 Evening Sun, "needs a Lincoln." Neb.? 
 
 It may take nine tailors to make a 
 man, but it needs only one to break 
 
 him. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 Well, it took Constantinople to get 
 those Petrograd war yarns worsted. 
 
 Perhaps our army and navy will be 
 larger when our Congressmen are. 
 
 "Sweden to Paint Ships," goes a 
 headline. Neutral colors, of course. 
 
 Horse-sense shuns the spur of the 
 moment. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 169 
 
 There have been mighty few Presi- 
 dents that have had a chance to make 
 history as well as write It. 
 
 It is indeed an inspiring thought 
 that one hundred million Americans 
 are solidly behind the President. "Ein 
 Ton" — our German musical friends 
 will get the idea. 
 
 Switzerland received with great 
 relief the Kaiser's promise to respect 
 its neutrality, and at once rushed 200,- 
 000 men to the border. 
 
 "We suppose this new German gas 
 is measured by a kill-a-meter," says 
 the Boston Transcript. Either that, 
 no doubt, or a sceut-a-meter. 
 
 That British threat to the Porte 
 must have made those Kurds more 
 
 sour than ever. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Gabrielle d'Annunzio announces that 
 his greatest ambition is to die singing 
 of Italy. What this great patriot needs 
 is a bromo-seltzer and a large wet 
 towel around his massive brow. 
 
 Mr. Bryan says visitors to Mexico 
 
 take risks. Aye, grave risks. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Japan appears to forget that China 
 ought to be handled with care. 
 
 It's a pity those noo metres Berlin 
 has just captured aren't war poetry. 
 
 A war zone seems to be something 
 
 that cautious skippers should skip. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Kaiser refuses to revoke that 
 order. He will continue to hold his 
 zone. 
 
 In other words. Uncle Sam doesn't 
 
 believe that all is fair in love and war. 
 
 « * « 
 
 We wish there were some way for 
 the entire populations of the North 
 and the South to swap locations for 
 a week or two. What fun we'd have 
 up North watching the poor old Yanks 
 handle the negro problem ! 
 
 We are such an abominable ethicist 
 that we just can't see where whole- 
 sale murder is wholesale glory. 
 
 It will take more parlor magic than 
 Wilhelm has in stock to make the 
 eagle quail. 
 
 Once Cap'n Hobson nearly closed 
 the mouth of Santiago harbor. Why 
 doesn't he make the same trial with 
 his own? 
 
 Oft in the stilly night, certain back 
 fence melodies convince us that old 
 Noah made a grave mistake when he 
 let more than one cat in the ark. 
 
 Useless Noises. 
 Henry A. Wi.se Wood. 
 The Providence Journal. 
 Cap'n Hobson. 
 Tom Watson. 
 'Gus Gardner. 
 Bro. Hearst. 
 Mme. Schwimmer. 
 The Fatherland. 
 Theodore. 
 
 We suppose that on the very day 
 Gabriel blows his trumpet, some Bos- 
 ton paper will contain a long patron- 
 izing editorial of advice to the South 
 on how to treat the negro. 
 
 The height of sarcasm is probably 
 reached in a barber's opinion of a 
 safety razor, but a street railway 
 president's comments on the jitney bus 
 are a tolerably good second. 
 
 A maharajah presents England with 
 $100,000. That's the kind of Indian 
 
 giver John Bull likes. 
 
 » « ♦ 
 
 Senator Vardaman learns with in- 
 difference that the Black Watch has 
 been decimated, as he never had a 
 bit of use for those colored troops. 
 
 That English clergyman who got a 
 commission and joined the army is no 
 doubt a warrior, but he is not likely 
 to be much of a success at interro- 
 gating prisoners, as probably he'd open 
 the conversation in his absentminded 
 way with : "What is your name — N 
 or M?" 
 
 We are willing to bet something that 
 London's new company of lawyers will 
 charge well. 
 
170 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 It must be so, as Prof. Van Leyden 
 says, tbat Germans are the salt of the 
 earth, for they all unanimously admit 
 
 it themselves. 
 
 « # • 
 
 Judge Elbert H. Gary says our 
 prosperity needs nursing, and the pro- 
 hibition idea appears to be that it must 
 
 be dry nursing. 
 
 • • • 
 
 You can't tell the after-dinner ora- 
 tor who has his "impromptu" speech 
 memorized three weeks in advance 
 
 anything about preparedness. 
 
 • * « 
 
 Some women are born beautiful, 
 others achieve beauty, and still others 
 are on good terms with the society 
 
 editors. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Watchful waiting may have its 
 faults, but you may have noticed that 
 it doesn't make many widows and 
 orphans. 
 
 There's one comforting thing about 
 J. Barleycorn's departure, and that is 
 that his old side-kick, R. E. Morse, is 
 
 leaving with him. 
 
 « * • 
 
 Hans Wagner was excused from jury 
 duty the other day, doubtless on base- 
 ball grounds. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Some of the old maid suffs, how- 
 ever, don't want a vote half as badly 
 
 as they want a voter. 
 
 « « • 
 
 "Kaiser to Go to Heligoland." John 
 Bull moves to amend by striking out 
 
 the last three syllables. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Life isn't all holding four aces. 
 When Old Sister Fate deals you a king, 
 a tenspot, a trey and a couple of miser- 
 able deuces, grin and draw three cards. 
 You never know what you'll come up 
 with. 
 
 A friend in need is apt to keep you 
 
 broke. 
 
 • • • 
 
 The price of flour's going up 
 
 We notice with a sigh ; 
 But little cares the printer, for 
 
 He knows where there's some pi. 
 
 Our prohibition friends really ought 
 to look into this matter of tight money. 
 
 Some men are born heroes, and 
 others tip the dining-car waiter a 
 
 dime. 
 
 • * • 
 
 Sarcastic comments on the German 
 sense of humor are likely to be revived, 
 now that a Berlin paper solemnly calls 
 
 Bryan a "sabre-rattler." 
 
 • • • 
 
 War may not come to this country. 
 Heaven forbid. But if it does come 
 and Uncle Sam is to have an allj% may 
 we live to see the day when a great 
 gray American battle squadron crashes 
 thundering into action beside our 
 
 blood-brethren of the Lion Flag ! 
 
 • * « 
 
 We see by the North sea cables that 
 cotton is still going down. 
 
 It's hard to say offhand whether 
 that new woman's daily will go in 
 
 stronger for make-up or padding. 
 
 « « * 
 
 King Albert's experiences certainly 
 have put a lot of grim humor in the 
 
 expression, "treated like royalty." 
 
 « * * 
 
 The only sphere of influence this 
 country cares for is the one with the 
 
 horsehide cover. 
 
 • • • 
 
 It must be admitted that if Britain 
 makes all food contraband, it'll go 
 
 against the grain. 
 
 « • « 
 
 And once more an Austrian army 
 awfully arrayed boldly by battery bom- 
 bards Belgrade. 
 
 Turkey must fervently wish now 
 that she had given the goose step the 
 side-step. 
 
 Appropriately enough the Bight of 
 Heligoland is where Germany shows 
 her teeth. 
 
 Baltimore reports the decease of a 
 Pullman porter there. Death loves a 
 
 shining mark. 
 
 • * » 
 
 Russia must think there is a lot of 
 fake in the old adage that there is 
 
 safety in numbers. 
 
 « » ♦ 
 
 Possibly you have also noticed that 
 mint beds often furnish three sheets 
 in the wind. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 171 
 
 "Colonel Roosevelt." says the An- 
 derson Mail, "is still in the flesh." 
 Well, he can't be any too still in it 
 to suit us. 
 
 The Charleston News and Courier 
 thinks it lucky that there were no 
 submarines in Noah's day. We don't 
 know. We have a kind of hunch that 
 Colonel and Mrs. Noah and their at- 
 tractive family would have escaped. 
 And, oh, glorious thou.!j;ht ! the two 
 ticks, two bedbugs, two flies, two fleas, 
 two mosquitoes, two ants, two cats, 
 two caterpillars and two wasps would 
 almost surely have gone down to a 
 watery grave. 
 
 Some New Englanders are born 
 simps and others try to write negro 
 dialect stories. 
 
 If thy hyphen offend thee, pluck it 
 out. 
 
 The estimable prohibitionists seem 
 determined to make it read, "See 
 America thirst." 
 
 The Yankee artist who is painting 
 the North Carolina mountains knew 
 where to go for a study in still life. 
 
 Judging from some of those Phila- 
 delphia papers' funny colmns, news- 
 paper row must be on Chestnut street. 
 
 Germany can have a place in the 
 sun. What poor old parched Russia 
 wants is a place in the moonshine. 
 
 Seems paradoxical, but Peru can't 
 get a loan because she has so many 
 close friends. 
 
 Haiti's ex-President Theodore has 
 gone abroad. No such luck here. 
 
 The Dardanelles are the worst 
 straits John Bull's fleet is ever likely 
 to be in. 
 
 There may be a shipping trust, but 
 it isn't in the Germans. 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who hated 
 to see her name in the paper now has 
 a daughter who keeps central busy 
 connecting her with the society editor. 
 
 Germany, which is besieged, wants 
 England to allow food to come to her. 
 But how much food did Bismarck and 
 von Moltke allow to enter Paris when 
 they besieged that city? 
 
 Trust in Wilson and keep your neu- 
 trality dry. 
 
 That alleged great Russian defeat 
 turns out to be a certified check. 
 
 Those Sikhs that sawed their way 
 out of a German prison must have 
 used their Indian file. 
 
 The Greek outlook is black there 
 and blacking here. 
 
 Those 36 indicted plumbers have 
 discovered that violating the Sherman 
 law with impunity is no lead pipe 
 cinch. 
 
 The unspeakable Turk can speak 
 
 long enough to apologize, all right. 
 
 * « » 
 
 A fellow failing also makes us won- 
 drous kind. 
 
 Probably the most excruciating 
 anguish a native of these parts can 
 experience is hearing one of the grand 
 old Yankees using a word with sev- 
 eral "r's" in it. 
 
 A lot of family skeletons are padded. 
 
 The prohibition argument, if we an- 
 alyze it correctly, is something like 
 this : You can't get ahead if you get a 
 head. 
 
 Somebody is talking about Mexico's 
 national debt. It appears to us that 
 Mexico's national debt is to Woodrow 
 Wilson. 
 
 Every now and then you strike up 
 with a man who has almost as much 
 sense as you have. 
 
 Man's inhumanity to man 
 countless thousands of extras. 
 
 makes 
 
 This will be a grand old world when 
 some of the sisters quit worrying about 
 their waist-line and devote a little 
 more attention to the wash-line. 
 
17: 
 
 POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The tinostiou is 
 Amerionnism ;is 
 Amerii'iinism. 
 
 not so nuuh Pau- 
 IKiiuiini: (.Jorman- 
 
 Tlie luixirost souse we have in mind 
 
 Is I'hotojrrapher Stow, 
 And when you want him. you will tiud 
 
 lllni in his steweiiio. 
 
 A study iu soarlet- 
 miralty's hands. 
 
 -the German Ad- 
 
 Whom the jrods would destroy they 
 first make kultured. 
 
 If the Texas eilitor who used to 
 shoot his subscribers in the leg to 
 remind them of their luipaid subscrip- 
 tions is still living and at leisure, there 
 is a job for him iu this ottice. 
 
 "Portuguese rebels plan to assault 
 capital," but they have nothing iu that 
 respect on lion. Frank P. Walsh. 
 
 A camel can go eight days without a 
 drink, but. as the Spartanburg Journal 
 would say. who wants to be a camel? 
 
 Russia calls 
 "pronounctxl." 
 than we can do 
 
 the Przasnsz victory 
 Which is far move 
 
 However. George knew that Martha 
 Washington had a will of her own long 
 before Virginia. 
 
 A Camden correspondent is mystilieil 
 why the captain of the Etonian spoke 
 of his ship as "she" and of a German 
 submarine as "he." and puts it up to 
 us. 0\ir only explanation is that the 
 ship was painttHl and carrying powder; 
 we have no thooi\v as to why he mascu- 
 liutxl the submarine. Possibly for 
 divers reasons. 
 
 Australia presents her entire wool 
 supply to the mother country. Another 
 
 case of the Lion's shear, eh, what ? 
 
 * * * 
 
 The old-fashioneil woman who used 
 to think that Mrs. E. D. E. X. etc.. 
 Southworth was too immodest and 
 suggestive now has a daughter who 
 rings up the book store every day to 
 ask if Mrs. Elinor Glyn's latest is out 
 yet. 
 
 Where there's a will, there a lawyer. 
 
 Harry Lauder is going to the front to 
 sing to the British soldiers, who also 
 know how to make victor records. 
 
 Old Nick, he must be rich, for I 
 Have often heard folks say 
 
 When their affairs have gone awry: 
 "There'll be the devil to pay !" 
 
 A peaceful man is our friend Wright; 
 
 Not practiceil iu things gory ; 
 Yet seated at his desk one night 
 
 1 saw him kill a story. 
 
 Ctntrt^s of Interest. 
 White House — Cupid. 
 Wall Street — Cupidity. 
 
 There's one thing impresses 
 
 I's as we get older : 
 A chip in the pot is 
 
 Worth two on the shoulder. 
 
 If Colonel Roosevelt simply must 
 quote the prophets, one would think a 
 little sekvtion from Jonah would be 
 more appropriate, that is. if Jonah was 
 a prophet, which we are ashameil to 
 say we are not at all sure of. 
 
 There is a man iu our town who tills 
 
 us with dismay : 
 He buttonholes us tirmly. so that we 
 
 can't get away 
 And tells us all the so-calleil smart 
 
 things that his kiddies say. 
 
 The luckiest guy in all the land 
 
 Is Mr. Simon Skvs ; 
 For every time he draws his hand 
 
 He always catches threes. 
 
 Wall Street isn't eating the Aus- 
 tralian beef, as it tinds native lamb 
 highly satisfactory. 
 
 Of course, the business otlice doesn't 
 have the least intluentv over a paper's 
 policy, but we never have seen a skinny 
 girl whose pa is a big advertiser get 
 any the worst of it in the social dope. 
 
 We'll horn in with a message that 
 might appeal to Bro. Carranza : 
 
 "Take thee a shai'p knife, take thee 
 a barber's razor, and cause it to pass 
 upon thy head and upon thy beard. . ." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT (WNZALES 
 
 173 
 
 When uisxlit falls In the South 
 Anierionu jungles, we suppose that the 
 Colonel lijihts a tapir. 
 
 Some people we know are so 
 prudish that they even hate to realize 
 tliat in a few weeks the limbs will be 
 bare. 
 
 In giving out "O Little Town of 
 Bethlehem" to a hj'phenated congrega- 
 tion, it is just as well to specify which 
 Bethlehem. 
 
 Next to the traditional molasses in 
 January, probably the slowest thing in 
 this old vale of tears is a woman get- 
 ting off a street car. 
 
 * ♦ # 
 
 The printer is a sober man. 
 
 He never takes a sup ; 
 And yet he is an artisan 
 
 Wlio likes to set "em up. 
 
 — Cincinnati Enquirer. 
 Tlie movie actor's sober, too. 
 
 No booze to him appeals ; 
 And yet it seems amazing you 
 
 See him only in reels. 
 
 By the way. do you remember the 
 affrighted yelps the "small navy" Con- 
 gressmen of the period let out wlien it 
 was thought the Spanish fleet was 
 coming over to bombard our coast 
 towns ? 
 
 Evolution of the bachelor, maga- 
 zinely speaking : 
 
 1 — Tlie Independent. 
 
 2 — The Woman's Home Companion. 
 
 Bernard Shaw boasts that he never 
 has smoked, but unless Bernard gets 
 religion it is by no means certain that 
 
 he won't. 
 
 » » * 
 
 About all that's left now of the Bull 
 Moosers seems to be the bull. 
 
 Roosevelt wants to lead a division. 
 Wasn't the one in 1012 enough? 
 
 Many a man in this country who 
 simply can't understand why the Rus- 
 sians bow down and worship Czar Nick 
 is one of the most abject slaves of Czar 
 Nicotine. 
 
 Another pathetic little feature of 
 everyday life is the way when an editor 
 states in general terms that crookwl- 
 uess must be stampixi out, a dozen 
 politicians heatedly write him at great 
 length demanding tliat these personal- 
 ities cease for once and all. 
 
 Hew to the jackpot, let the chips fall 
 where they may. 
 
 You can't keep in the swim by drown- 
 ing your sorrows. 
 
 Goliath was hit by the pebble. 
 
 "You miserable little runt !" he 
 screamed. "I've a good mind to sever 
 athletic relations with you. They say 
 you playiHl two years with Nineveh 
 college, anyhow, before Israel univer- 
 sity got you." 
 
 Another little phase of everyday life 
 that might be anmsing if it were not 
 so pathetic is tlie pious way some old 
 skinllint wliose specialty is foreclosing 
 widows' mortgages can act in church. 
 
 "A London scientist says that angle- 
 worms cause cancer. The lesson 
 whereof is don't eat angleworms." — 
 Richmond News-Leader. Exactly, al- 
 ways remembering how bad the Diet 
 of Worms was for Martin Luther. 
 
 All the women are going to see Ger- 
 aldine do Carmen this week because 
 she is the better actress, and all the 
 men are going to see Theda because 
 they have an idea she will have on a 
 good deal less than Geraldine. 
 
 Add life's little tragedies: 
 The man fed reil pepper to the ele- 
 phant to see if it liked it. 
 It didn't. 
 
 Where is the old-fashioned old 
 codger who used to gasp "God bless 
 you!" when he sneezed? 
 
 The President quotes from the Bible 
 in support of preparedness, and we 
 suppose the late Col. Abel could offer 
 some feeling testimony on the subject. 
 
 Still, you would naturally expect 
 Greece to be slippery. 
 
174 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Mr. Bryan, as we uiulorstand it, is 
 trying to make it 23 for Kzelviel, oo. 
 
 "Marriaijo noar, kills himself." goes 
 a headliue. Not kmxkins: the lady, of 
 
 course. 
 
 * • • 
 
 If the bravest are the tenderest, the 
 calf we diiuxl on yesterday was an 
 arrant coward. 
 
 We don't know who inventeil the 
 submarine, but Jonah was the tirst to 
 become familiar with one. 
 
 The Armenian massacres have 
 added a fresh siixniticance to the 
 anagram 
 
 KUL TUR 
 TUR KEY 
 
 Add Life's Little Tragedies: 
 The paragrapher swiped something a 
 brother paragrapher wrote, thinking 
 maybe he wasn't reading the exchanges 
 very closely. 
 lie was. 
 
 Russia has ordered a million shoes 
 here. It is understoixl that von II in- 
 denburg will furnish the lacing, as 
 usual. 
 
 What a magnificent baby-killer 
 Herod might have been had he had a 
 few submarines and Zei>pelins ! 
 
 Our idea of a safety raiser is a fel- 
 low who does it with four aces. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Of course, it Is merely a curious co- 
 incidence that the hyphenatetl editors 
 are all with Mr. Bryan in his stand 
 
 for unprepareduess. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Hemming the Serbs and basting 
 them are evidently two very different 
 propositions. 
 
 Accepting the theory that the mon- 
 key is man's ancestor, one is incline<I 
 to infer that woman, judging by the 
 number and length of her hatpins, is a 
 
 lineal descendant of the porcupine. 
 
 « « * 
 
 Once upon a time there was a poli- 
 tician who made an especially con- 
 spicuous ass of himself and didn't say 
 the newspapers misquoted him. 
 
 "The debt we owe to Britain's navy 
 lan not be estimated." says an ex- 
 change. It doesn't take long for 
 American shipowners to estimate it. 
 
 The ambition of that navy inventions 
 board is, of course, to leave blueprints 
 on the sands of time. 
 
 Once upon a time there was a woman 
 who was 3S years old and admitted 
 that she was 3S years old. Hans 
 Andersen and Grimm misseil a lot of 
 good fairy tales. 
 
 The unspeakable Turk can at least 
 snicker. 
 
 Why it is that when you manage to 
 locate the keyhole about 3 g. m. — 
 
 And open the door wituout much 
 noise — 
 
 And triumjihantly avoid all the sofas 
 and chairs and tables — 
 
 And just as you are about to tip-toe 
 chuckingly up-stairs — 
 
 The infernal cat always inserts her 
 tail under your foot"/ 
 
 "Sometimes I wish I were a horse," 
 Groaned Weary Willie Keith; 
 
 "For then I'd have, believe me. boss, 
 A bit between my teeth." 
 
 Japan has inaugurated the Era Tal- 
 Sho, or Great Righteousness. Ger- 
 many needs that kind of an era in Bel- 
 gium. 
 
 The Allies wouldn't mind King Con- 
 stautine's keeping a cool head, but it's 
 the coolness elsewhere that irritates 
 them. 
 
 Possibly Col. Bryan fears that any 
 large army increase would mean the 
 requisition of all the Chautauqua 
 
 tents. 
 
 Busy Sophie seems to be worth even 
 more to Germany than "Busy Bertha." 
 
 "It's hard to get ai'ound President 
 Wilson," says May Irwin. Well, for 
 that matter, it's no cinch to get around 
 May. 
 
 The Fordsters couldn't find the dove, 
 but at least they had a lark. 
 
UOHKIW ELLIOTT aOXZALLS 
 
 175 
 
 A Arni'hiuo, as wo. with our UmlttHl 
 politlrnl oxporitMuv, aimly/.o the cnso. 
 Is tho oWwv sliio's orsanlzatiou. 
 
 It bivoinos apparout tliat nouo of tho 
 bollisuM-outs will ulvo up until thoy givo 
 out ami uivo in. 
 
 'riioiv oortaluly is irony in tlio faot 
 that l.inooln. Nob.. Is nanitnl at'tor tho 
 iiroatost war rrosidont. 
 
 A sn>aill>oro man is jionorally the 
 bijrst^t kind of l>ore. 
 
 Most of those New Haven deals look 
 to have been from the bottom of the 
 
 deek. 
 
 • • • 
 
 It's not the hands aeross the sea 
 Wall Street is eoneerm\l with as mueh 
 as the palms. 
 
 Kiui; CottiMi and Kiuj; Virtor have 
 taken new his^h srround. 
 
 Now tli.at Warden Osborne has ex- 
 plaiutHl Sin?; Siuji's ins-and-outs. let's 
 hear something about the down-and- 
 outs. 
 
 It's a mlsihty sorry Joke that ean't 
 s:et a smile out of a iiirl who has pretty 
 teeth. 
 
 WluMi an .Vinerioan s^irl is enixasred to 
 a foreign nobleman, she is his tlnanoee. 
 
 Italy is likely to find that one war 
 measure is a peek of trouble. 
 
 However, the "unspeakable Turk" is 
 pr<Uiably thinkinj: a few thinjis. 
 
 .Tudirinsr by Oouirress. the nteat short- 
 as:e doesn't extend to pork. 
 
 A Salamanea. X. H. hotel advertises. 
 *Vhoii.vst of Wives. Liquors and 
 Cisrars." It's a l.l.w. to Salamanea, but 
 our ventrieular organ is in that im- 
 mediate vieinity. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Manufaeturers opera tins: in the 
 ^^aryland metropolis advertise their 
 wares as ">[ade in Raltimore." The 
 srenuine Kaltimore maid rtHpiires no 
 advertisement, but passes anywhere at 
 faee value. 
 
 Count that day quot^r, whose low 
 deseeiuling sun sees no new Austrian 
 arnty on the run. 
 
 rolm-ldent with the arrival of the 
 eool w.'ive, we note that a iMassaehu- 
 setts t'adet eorps was reviewed by (.lon- 
 erals WtuHi and Ct»le. 
 
 The average woman just ean't under- 
 stand, when she gets i\\\ overdr.ift 
 notiee. why it isn't perfeetly all right 
 to write the b.udi a eluvk for the 
 aniotuit. 
 
 Still, the rain and wind had their 
 ei>n\pensatli>ns. and several distin- 
 guished and inspiring ankles, ete., 
 greatly sootluni the diseontent of the 
 
 unregenerate. 
 
 • • • 
 
 i>ne thing we like about administra- 
 tion eireles is tliat they're square. 
 
 Tlu>se Zeps don't api^ear to be eon- 
 tent with giving l.oiulon tlie onet^over. 
 
 The trouble about IMlly Suitday's 
 giWng to New York is that he'd liave 
 to learn Yiddish in order to make him- 
 self understoinl. 
 
 • • « 
 
 like This. 
 When paragraphei's pressivi for time 
 
 NetHl one more stanza. 
 They usually ean ring a rime 
 
 On oUl ("arranza. 
 
 Tlu>se on shopping bent often get 
 broke. 
 
 A woman is r:irely up to date on the 
 subjivt of her age. 
 
 We liad deeidtHl to bar out any fur- 
 ther entries in the journalistie goat- 
 getters' eontest. but on seeond tliought 
 we simply have io raise the porti-ullia 
 for "long-felt want" and "sea of m.atri- 
 inony." 
 
 A nuxiest ntan is Mr. .Tames: 
 
 So modest that, by heek. 
 He will not join in any games 
 
 In whleh they strip the deek. 
 
 'IMiere eertainly is irony in the fact 
 that hungry Mexieo City oeeupies a 
 table land. 
 
176 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Isn't there some way of making dear 
 old Bill Taft President emeritus or 
 something? 
 
 If the North had protested as loudly 
 against negro exclusion when those 
 pious New England skippers first be- 
 gan bringing 'era to this country as it 
 is doing now, the late unpleasantness 
 probably never would have occurred. 
 
 The reason a girl can afford to put 
 half a drug store on her face when she 
 goes uptown is because she knows that 
 since the short skirt came in the men 
 will be too busy watching something 
 else to notice it. 
 
 There's one thing that 
 We would not shirk : 
 
 Viz., being smacked 
 By Billie Burke. 
 
 Luke McLuke points us in rime to 
 the case of a young lady who liked to 
 walk, although she had a fine car- 
 riage. 
 
 Consider, prithee, Luke, my son, 
 
 The case of Halfback Loach: 
 A fellow who prefers to run, 
 Although he has a coach. 
 
 Those Germans seem quite as adept 
 at evasion as invasion. 
 
 Wouldn't it be a glorious thing if 
 the Christmas spirit could home in our 
 hearts every day? 
 
 Some men are such natural-born 
 crooks that they invariably short- 
 change their own minds. 
 
 Of course Missouri girls are sweet. 
 Aren't they Mo. lasses? 
 
 The world is too much with us, as 
 the poet said, and there are melan- 
 choly moments when we suspect that 
 The Sun and The American are, too. 
 
 England's most dangei'ous militant, 
 
 we take it, is Ann Archy. 
 
 # # » 
 
 The friends who are pushing Willis 
 L. Moore for the Agricultural port- 
 folio seem to think the new cabinet 
 needs a little weather-boarding. 
 
 The Iron Cross is responsible for 
 many a wooden cross. 
 
 We wouldn't mind the dog days so 
 much if it weren't for the cat nights. 
 
 The submarine is cigar-shaped, but 
 it's the enemy ships that go up in 
 smoke. 
 
 Some German propagandists in Ire- 
 land have ascertained that the "green 
 isle" isn't. 
 
 When a woman gets over 35 she is 
 generally willing to embark on the sea 
 of matrimony with almost any life- 
 buoy. 
 
 A plain-speaking hard-hitting Presi- 
 dent always comes in for more roasts 
 than toasts. 
 
 Hammerstein will build an opera 
 house, thus giving New York another 
 Singer building. 
 
 A face without a smile is like a pair 
 of unpressed trousers. 
 
 That mummy sold in New York the 
 other day for $200 certainly fetched a 
 
 stiff price. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Count Zeppelin was once a poor, ob- 
 scure man, but now he moves in the 
 highest circles. 
 
 Before he gets her, he always calls 
 her dear. And after tbsy get married, 
 he finds out that she is. 
 
 Another of life's little mysteries is 
 the way a mouthful of pins never 
 seems to interfere in the least with a 
 woman's conversation. 
 
 There is nobody like a barber for 
 scraping acquaintances. 
 
 The ill, the pill, and the bill are 
 medicine's triple alliance. 
 
 The only trouble about common 
 sense is that it isn't common. 
 
 T. R. certainly displayed a keen 
 sense of humor when he picked the 
 Pacific coast to make those bellicose 
 speeches on. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 111 
 
 The old-fashioned man who used to 
 walk ten miles a day behind old Molly 
 now has a son whose conception of 
 hard work is walking ten miles a day 
 around a pool-table. 
 
 Money talks, but the American dol- 
 lar is roaring. 
 
 Jane Addams says the women must 
 suffer in silence. We greatly fear Jane 
 is nature-faking. 
 
 Uncle Sam has certainly made Job 
 look like a rank amateur. 
 
 The Psalmist said in his haste that 
 all men are Herr von Jagows. 
 
 Berlin, we understand, uses ready- 
 made cirgarettes, but Vienna rolls. 
 
 Count that day queer, whose low, 
 descending sun sees no new Russian 
 army on the run. 
 
 Woman's rights, as we understand 
 them, consist of appropriating six of 
 the bureau drawers for her wedding 
 apparel, and apportioning the little 
 one in the ujjper right hand corner to 
 the poor old he-creature. 
 
 Dan Emmett certainly must have 
 foreseen the short skirt when he put 
 all those "Look aways" in "Dixie." 
 
 It takes all kinds of mutts to make a 
 world, including the ones who inhale 
 a few drinks and set out to settle the 
 war. 
 
 As we understand Germany's con- 
 tention, the lion and the bear have 
 made Belgium the goat. 
 
 All Europe ablaze and only one tiny 
 revolution in South America. Times 
 have certainly changed ! 
 
 Mr. Bryan, in serving grape juice, 
 raised the question whether he is not 
 more Welch than Irish. 
 
 The suffragettes evidently want 
 make it Womanhattan. 
 
 to 
 
 Germany to Wilhelm : "We who are 
 about to diet, salute you !" 
 
 L'Anglais as she is writ in Georgia : 
 "Notice — Reports of cows being butch- 
 ered in my field at night by unknown 
 parties is absolutely wilful lies of some 
 one. M. Waters, Brooklet, Ga."- — 
 Statesboro News. 
 
 Hereafter, only the six best spellers 
 can come into this country. 
 
 Still, those munitions plotters have 
 no monopoly of magazine explosions — 
 there's T. R. 
 
 You can't burn the candle at both 
 ends and keep it dark. 
 
 A dog can't talk to tell you when he 
 wants anything. But he can certainly 
 cram a lot of eloquence in Old Colonel 
 Tail. 
 
 And what, too, has become of the 
 old-fashioned humorist who used to 
 drop a suspender button in the collec- 
 tion plate? 
 
 'Frisco asked to hear the Liberty 
 Bell by telephone, and we see by the 
 Philadelphia papers that the bell did 
 as it was tolled. 
 
 A German professor announces that 
 Moses was a German, and we do seem 
 to remember that he broke all the Ten 
 Commandments. 
 
 Carranza is now strong for the red, 
 white and blue, unless they happen 
 to be on a barber's pole. 
 
 Chorus of Danbury Hatters: I did 
 not build my house to pay a judgment. 
 
 Any Mexican army could be accu- 
 rately termed a general assembly. 
 
 Must be admitted that General Haig 
 is a good man for Dewar. 
 
 The game of matrimony is like set- 
 back — more fun without a widow. 
 
 We suppose the precise brethren 
 who insist on spelling it la grippe own 
 hens which are afflicted with la pippe. 
 
 Would it be all right to call the ad- 
 vent of a child born on a New York 
 elevated train an upper birth? 
 
178 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Kulturvultiire. 
 
 The only way the average man can 
 order his wife a ronnd is at the 
 butcher's. 
 
 Lloyds are now issuing a form of in- 
 surance against appendicitis. At cut 
 rates, we presume. 
 
 Ambassadors Chinda of Japan and 
 Dumha of Austria-Hungary seem to be 
 the lingual poles of the diplomatic 
 
 corps. 
 
 « « * 
 
 President Wilson favors a graduated 
 income tax. Just can not get away 
 
 from those college ideas. 
 
 « * » 
 
 We are rather surprised no Ken- 
 tuckian is conspicuously mentioned for 
 the consulship to Cork. 
 
 Add Life's Little Tragedies : 
 The mouse left the hole to see if 
 Tabby had gone. 
 She hadn't. 
 
 A French courtmartial having ac- 
 quitted Capt. Forget, let us hope that 
 next time he won't. 
 
 Watchful waiting won for William 
 
 Waldorf. 
 
 * * « 
 
 Famous Charleses. 
 
 Martel. 
 
 —the Fat. 
 
 Horse. 
 
 Chaplin. 
 
 It becomes painfully evident that 
 old Don Wliiskeranza's New Year res- 
 olutions didn't include one to have 
 that hedge on his cheeks pruned. 
 
 Looks as if Constantine is preparing 
 to decorate the Allies with the in- 
 signia of the Double-Cross. 
 
 One of the most pathetic things 
 about a colored band is the way it 
 always seems to be flrmly convinced it 
 is playing a tune. 
 
 In the Hocking case. Britain, of 
 course, is contending for the freedom 
 of the seize. 
 
 October — Bryan stumped Ohio. 
 November — Ohio stumped Bryan. 
 
 Man's inhumanity to man 
 countless moving-pictures. 
 
 makes 
 
 Modern dramatic synonyms : Scene 
 
 and obscene. 
 
 • • « 
 
 It will seem natural for many of our 
 Greek reservists to be where the shells 
 
 are thickest. 
 
 « « » 
 
 English shipowners must regard 
 those submarines as revenue-cutters. 
 
 Mrs. Carrie Chapman Catt, who is 
 advising suffragettes to wear trousers, 
 evidently pants for publicity. 
 
 Mr. Frohman says the modern play 
 is overdressed. The common variety, 
 perhaps ; not the Garden variety. 
 
 This is the nation of trusts, the one 
 in Wilson being easily the most con- 
 spicuous right now. 
 
 Prince Buelow says he worked to 
 "bring Italy and Austria together." 
 Well, didn't iie do it? 
 
 A man who doesn't gossip about 
 other people may miss a lot of the 
 spice of life. But he is never kept 
 busy nursing a pair of black eyes. 
 
 Isn't it wonderful the basting Tur- 
 key can stand'? 
 
 Dollar diplomacy begins to look like 
 seventy cents less. 
 
 In banishing White House intoxi- 
 cants. Woodrow Wilson emerges as our 
 leading drop-kicker. 
 
 The Washington Star says that the 
 Cabinet "works like Trojans." and it 
 might have carried the simile further 
 by saying that it gets its share of hec- 
 toring. 
 
 Don't blame it on Hard Luck. Elbow 
 Grease never failed to put Flard 
 Luck's shoulders to the mat. 
 
 Alfred Noyes having confessed that 
 his verse pays, would It be proper to 
 call him the poet aureate of England? 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 179 
 
 A woman is known by the confi- 
 dences she keeps. 
 
 "The Colonel," says the Memphis 
 Commercial Appeal, "has his faults, 
 but the peojile love him still." When 
 was he ever? 
 
 The primmest gent we e'er did meet 
 
 Is Mr. Tiiomas Trlppe ; 
 He blushes like the well known beet 
 
 To see the bacon strip. 
 
 It's funny, but it's the truth. The 
 better-looking the girl is the homelier 
 the dub she usually coi)s out to tie up 
 with. 
 
 "Mr. Schwab tells the story of 
 Bethlehem," says a headline. Most 
 people will still prefer the Biblical 
 version. 
 
 We don't know what nation has 
 been stealing our naval secrets, but it's 
 not Switzerland. 
 
 "President sees May Irwin." He 
 couldn't help it if May was within a 
 
 couple of miles. 
 
 « « * 
 
 It can't be said of those fat Ger- 
 man landsturmers that they have no 
 
 stomach for a fight. 
 
 » « * 
 
 Those Turks are always pulling off 
 some tactful little stunt to gain neu- 
 tral good will. The latest one is test- 
 ing high explosives on Mt. Calvary. 
 
 Why don't some of these crafty Nor- 
 wegian and SwcHlish skippers fool the 
 subs, by running up the Swiss flag? 
 
 Our friend Hardup dropped in today. 
 Hence this here sad, sad thought : 
 
 Although we've known that man so 
 long. 
 We've always known him short. 
 
 There's no longer room for Caruso, 
 For Krupp or even for Creusot; 
 On the grand old front page, 
 For the ladies would rage 
 Unless we shelved all for the trousseau. 
 
 Once upon a time a train ran over 
 a cow which was not the best and 
 most expensive Jersey in the State. 
 
 Nothing is more pathetic than the 
 way a man will try to look serenely 
 unconscious when his garter comes 
 down in mixed comi)nny. 
 
 Hearsts rush in where Wilsons fear 
 
 to tread. 
 
 * • • 
 
 Flying stones gather no stones for 
 women. 
 
 Impossible news item: Among the 
 callers at the New York Sun wlitorial 
 
 offices yesterday was Mr. W. J. Bryan. 
 
 • • • 
 
 "Small change In Russian Poland." 
 Very little of it here, too. 
 
 A peck of trouble is one thing that 
 is mighty seldom short weight. 
 
 Seems superfluous for Berlin to 
 celebrate victories, as it's always been 
 
 on a Spree. 
 
 « « « 
 
 To be quite up to date, Henry Van 
 Dyke's publishers should issue an edi- 
 tion de Luxemburg. 
 
 « » « 
 
 The French navy has also aban- 
 doned starboard and larboard, but old 
 sideboard is still there. 
 
 Subscribers to Turkey's war loan 
 can't complain that they haven't got a 
 run for their money. 
 
 If they could only persuade the 
 cullud race that the celestial choir 
 use<l banjos instead of harps, there 
 wouldn't be a bad negro in this world. 
 
 Somebody has observed that Uncle 
 Joe Cannon's breeches bag at the knees, 
 but we don't suppose that it is because 
 of excessive addiction to prayer. 
 
 There was once a very beautiful 
 woman who had some brains. She 
 was torpedoed by a snake in Egypt and 
 expired, leaving darned few successors. 
 
 For the land's sake — Preparedness. 
 
 Here's your hat, Herr Boy-Ed! 
 What's your hurry? 
 
 The Allies have been reinforced in 
 Servia by a division, which is an ad- 
 dition. 
 
180 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 A billion-dollar conscress doesn't 
 seem so bad when it's the Democrats 
 who do the appropriating. 
 
 There are any number of reasons 
 why a girl's nose gets red. But there 
 is only one reason a man's nose gets 
 that way. 
 
 The sun rose this morning. This is 
 generally considerod another brilliant 
 victttry for the Hearst papers. 
 
 "You simply have to hand it to those 
 German soldiers," says the Macon 
 Telegraph. Brussels does, anyway. 
 
 Woodrow, with all thy Byzantine 
 logotheteness, we love thee still ! 
 
 German plotters who are long on 
 initiative will find Uncle Sam the 
 
 same way on recall. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who used 
 to complain that she had nothing to 
 wear knows that she will be one of the 
 
 leaders of fashion tliis season. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Speaking of spare ribs, Adam was 
 the first dealer. 
 
 We suppose that newspapers run 
 women's departments so that the 
 belles may be told. 
 
 "Success has turned many a man's 
 head," observes the Boston Transcript. 
 True enough. But it hasn't anything 
 on the short skirt in that respect. 
 
 Old Nick doesn't have half as much 
 fun as people think. But it must have 
 been a great old day for him when 
 lingerie was invented. 
 
 Political Lumhcr. 
 One-term planks. 
 Presidential timber. 
 Tariff boards. 
 
 Mrs. Tankhurst says that the mili- 
 tant suffragettes will "leave no stone 
 unturned." Doesn't she mean "un- 
 thrown ?" 
 
 If she does take the plunge, the 
 Turkish ambition, of course, will be to 
 knock the first syllable out of Hellas. 
 
 Constantine certainly does things to 
 the queen's taste. 
 
 The small hours are responsible for 
 many a large head. 
 
 An undertaker is nearly always tem- 
 perate, but he doesn't object to an 
 occasional bier. 
 
 "All Russia Behind Grand Duke's 
 Back." — Headline. So are the Ger- 
 mans. 
 
 * * * 
 
 There is nobody like a he-sissy who 
 spends an hour and a half in a bar- 
 bershop getting a shave, shine, singe, 
 shampoo, hair-cut, witch-hazel steam 
 and massage for snickering at the 
 girls for standing an hour and a half 
 dolling ui) in front of the mirror before 
 they come down-town. 
 
 Now that the season of good will is 
 past, we can all get back gaily to our 
 normal grouches, gossip, scandal-mon- 
 ger ing, stickiug-our-noses-into-other- 
 peo])le's-business, avarice, discourtesy, 
 snobbishness, arrogance, conceit, cyni- 
 cism, churlishness, irascibility, stingi- 
 ness, rancour, selfishness and the rest 
 
 of our pleasant little traits. 
 
 « * « 
 
 It must be a cheery bit of news to 
 those Turkish classes that are so 
 eagerly organizing to learn the Ger- 
 man language that the Kaiser is suf- 
 fering from a mild attack of zellge- 
 webentzuendung. 
 
 A Mellow Drama, in Three Reels. 
 I. 
 Sherry. 
 Merry. 
 
 II. 
 Souse. 
 House. 
 III. 
 Bed. 
 Head. 
 
 A woman who wears an evening 
 dress that displays about five-sixths of 
 her backbone always wonders what the 
 world is coming to when girls can be 
 so immodest as to wear a skirt that 
 reveals a couple of inches of shin. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 
 
 181 
 
 President Wilson says that any one 
 who scoffs at the Aduiinlstration's 
 achievements is "talking through his 
 hat." These academic terms puzzle us 
 not a little, but we seem to get the 
 idea. 
 
 What is your notion of the pinnacle 
 of bliss? Ours is being seated on some 
 silver-sanded, moonlight-flooded Poly- 
 nesian beach with our trusty pipe be- 
 tween our teeth and six swizzles under 
 our Manhattan, what time a bevy of 
 languorous Hawaiian maidens finger 
 their quaint guitars whose every note 
 is a sob, and softly sing the yearning 
 melody of "Aloha Oe." 
 
 Of all glad words 
 
 Of tongue or pen, 
 The gladdest are these: 
 
 "Old scout, say when." 
 
 Epitaph. 
 Here lies the clay 
 
 Of Kaspar Kant. 
 He worked in a 
 
 Munitions plant. 
 
 Woodrow will soon. 
 
 The hit hyphen howls. 
 
 At any rate, the careless compositor 
 who referred to General Haig as a 
 "bottle-scarred veteran" had the right 
 
 idea. 
 
 * * * 
 
 There are about 8,705,333 varieties 
 of Asses in this old vale of tears. And 
 the leading candidate of the whole 
 bunch for the Fool-killer is the poor 
 boob who percolates around bragging 
 what a Devil he is among the women. 
 
 Bryan is the colonel of the Cali- 
 fornia situation. 
 
 Dr. Friedmann, it appears, has found 
 the silver lining. 
 
 Everybody to his taste, of course, 
 but personally we never could see what 
 fun a woman gets out of playing "One 
 little pig went to market" with the 
 baby's toes. 
 
 The Birmingham Ledger says Car- 
 ranza dearly loves a joke. The egoist! 
 
 Another of the little weaknesses of 
 human nature that mighty few of us 
 are exempt from consists of wrapping 
 the big bills on the outside of the roll. 
 
 A woman calls it giving you a piece 
 of her mind, but our experience has 
 been that she generally winds up by 
 giving you the whole dad-burned 
 thing. 
 
 English correspondent says there is 
 plenty of gold in Constantinople. Evi- 
 dently the Crescent is far from being 
 down to its last quarter. 
 
 Poor old human nature is a mighty 
 funny thing, and some people still 
 think that they can argue in print 
 with an editor and get the best of it. 
 
 Count Zeppelin is said to dislike so- 
 ciety, but you may have noticed that 
 he always sends his lady-killers on 
 those English raids. 
 
 It has just been discovered that one 
 of Saturn's rings has become lopsided, 
 and we expect any day to hear that 
 Colonel Roosevelt is going around 
 pointing out significantly that nothing 
 like that ever happened in the good 
 old high tariff times. 
 
 One inestimable asset an exchange 
 editor has is that whenever he needs a 
 long editorial clipping he can always 
 scissor it from the Springfield Republi- 
 can, without reading a word, and be 
 absolutely certain that it is all right. 
 
 A Chicago girl specifies that her 
 future husband "must not chew, smoke, 
 drink, gamble, swear, play cards, dance, 
 or object to washing the supper dishes ; 
 must stay at home every night, live 
 within his income, and be a devout 
 Christian." Well, that kind of a girl 
 certainly deserves that kind of a man 
 
 Seems high time for this credulous 
 nation to change its emblem from the 
 eagle to the gull. 
 
 "Cupid," says the Gi'eenville Pied- 
 mont, "continues to be the world's lead- 
 ing marksman." Wrong, old top. Isn't 
 he all the time making Mrs.? 
 
182 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 China might compromise by offer- 
 ing to do all of Japan's washing free 
 of charge for a year. 
 
 It means something to acquire a 
 reputation in the Arctic for being as 
 houest as the day is long. 
 
 "International jaw" would seem to 
 describe the situation much more con- 
 cisely and accurately. 
 
 The sins of the father may be visited 
 on his children, but they take revenge 
 by reminding him of them. 
 
 "Only Two Corps Left" goes a head- 
 line. Reminds us of the celebrated 
 Eden apple incident. 
 
 Revised spelling : Flinders, formerly, 
 Flanders. 
 
 Evidently no milk of human kind- 
 ness in the Kurd. 
 
 Dardanelles seem to need a bigger 
 corkscrew. 
 
 Lloyd-George's threats have doubt- 
 less made pale ale paler than ever. 
 
 « « « 
 
 "Thaw will stick." He's a regular 
 court plaster. 
 
 The Sick Man of Europe is still 
 complaining of severe shooting pains. 
 
 Germans are less worried over the 
 Kiel canal now than the alimentary. 
 
 A little outrage now and then is 
 relished by the German men. 
 
 Whene'er we cross 
 
 The bounding main. 
 We'll do it in 
 
 An aeroplane. 
 
 Petrograd reports "consonant gains." 
 That, at least, is credible news. 
 
 One of our esteemed creditors was in 
 our midst yesterday. He was cool and 
 collected. 
 
 The pessimist regards life as a 
 lemon, but the optimist knows it's a 
 Nabisco wafer. 
 
 The Allies' polychrome army has 
 given the phrase, "called to the colors" 
 a fresh significance. 
 
 We presume that now the well- 
 known and .justly celebrated Sister 
 Susie's Shipping Seeds to Serbia. 
 
 Enver Bey has received the Iron 
 Cross from the Kaiser. He got the 
 double cross some time ago. 
 
 Russia has banished the swallow, 
 but it is not so easy to avoid the 
 double-eagle. 
 
 When a girl has a nifty pair of 
 ankles, she can usually find an excuse 
 to go shopping on a rainy day. 
 
 Giving an Iron Cross to a Turkish 
 general does better credit to WilheJm's 
 generosity than to his tact. 
 
 A good many family trees are shady. 
 
 "Nabs Hold-up Trio." Glad to see 
 somebody can catch threes. 
 
 Vox Teddi; vox dei? 
 
 The "war bride's" shower must be 
 a golden one. 
 
 Constantine's slogan seems to be 
 "Greece at any price !" 
 
 They that take the sword shall per- 
 ish by the bomb, shrapnel, gas, mine, 
 torpedo. 
 
 Mr. Lansing's reported love of 
 Dickens may explain his fondness for 
 "American Notes." 
 
 Speaking of commerce destroyers, 
 there's La Follette. 
 
 The war has been hard on the 
 horses, but a mighty good thing for 
 the Colts. 
 
 Never mind, von Tirpitz ; you're still 
 an easy hundred babies ahead of Count 
 Zeppelin. 
 
 The consensus of opinion appears to 
 be that a bigger regular would be in 
 the nature of a salvation army. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 183 
 
 Londoners seem to be British sub- 
 jects and German objects. 
 
 The Czar must be an easy mark, 
 judging by the number of bad checlis 
 he has accepted. 
 
 From Britain's viewpoint, Mesopo- 
 tamia has the most uukindest Kut of 
 
 all. 
 
 # « » 
 
 At the present rate, there isn't going 
 to be much left of the earth for the 
 meek to inherit. 
 
 Mexico seems to be the outlaw and 
 without law country. 
 
 It seems that Montenegro had plenty 
 of mountains, but not enough Krags. 
 
 It is no use to feel important because 
 somebody addresses you as "Colonel." 
 The chances are that the man has for- 
 gotten your name. 
 
 Guatemala having refused to pay, 
 England has sent the cruiser Aeolus to 
 raise the wind. 
 
 It is not good for man to be alone, 
 but he will be if he has the price of 
 only one drink. 
 
 What this old world needs is more 
 bouquets handed around to folks when 
 they are alive and kicking. Flowers 
 don't do a dead one much good. 
 
 The Sunday fishermen and the war 
 correspondents are not the only liars 
 in this world. There is the politician 
 lad who says the newspapers always 
 misquote him. 
 
 "British to comb sea for Moewe." 
 Probably want a brush with her. 
 
 Luke McLuke says the openwork 
 waist is back. We must look into this 
 matter. 
 
 Bryan is in "Who's Who", but he'll 
 never get into "Here's How !" 
 
 The great trouble about the fellows 
 whose only books are woman's looks 
 is that they are seldom satisfied with 
 a five-foot shelf. 
 
 There appears to be a general sus- 
 picion that Sayville has been saying 
 too much. 
 
 "Fear God and take your own part," 
 urges the Colonel. Well, that is bet- 
 ter than taking Colombia's part, for 
 instance. 
 
 All of the opposing lawyers in the 
 divorce case of Ferdinand Hell vs. 
 Bertha Hell can await the result with 
 supreme equanimity. Win or lose, 
 there will be Hell to pay. 
 
 At any rate, the miserable he-crea- 
 tures who contend that women are not 
 the salt of the earth have sense enough 
 to omit Lot's wife as an illustration 
 of their arguments. 
 
 "Wilson Says Country is Awake." — 
 Headline. Our observation has been 
 that the country is usually awake by 
 4 a. m. and up milking the cows. 
 
 Italy's idea of bloody warfare seems, 
 to be sending the poet d'Annunzio irt 
 an aeroplane every few days to drop: 
 the fiercest imaginable odes and son- 
 nets on the enemy. 
 
 Famous Roses. 
 Jack 
 Four 
 Randolph 
 Niel Prim — 
 Pen— 
 
 Toicn Topics. 
 Los Angeles — weather. 
 New York — skating. 
 Columbia — square meals. 
 Charleston — prohibition. 
 Pittsburgh — pig iron. 
 Oyster Bay— ME. 
 Augusta — Tom Watson. 
 Boston — beans. 
 Washington — pork barrel. 
 
 Atlanta — hot air. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A wonderful Jane, so we must main- 
 tain, 
 
 Is Miss Sophonisba Hood, 
 In her winter hat she's so pretty that 
 
 She does not have to be good. 
 
184 
 
 POKMS AXP PARA(?RAPnS 
 
 A No\vi>ort Xows (.'oiTospinulont 
 refers to "the broad mouth of the 
 .lames." Why this eternal piekini; on 
 DllieV 
 
 .') J: qua Is I-ILr. 
 (With apoloiiies to (.'artoonist (iriei;. » 
 FaiKbanks. 
 liiirKhi. 
 KoOt. 
 CumiuinS. 
 llu-hi:s. 
 Koose\ olt. 
 WeEks. 
 11 ad Ley. 
 Taft. 
 
 "What is the nttltmle of the South 
 towards the Tresident's preparedness 
 proirrauune?" asks the New York Eveu- 
 1ns: Tost. Like the attitude of a para- 
 grapher toward his pay enveloi>e, or 
 that of a kitten toward a bowl of nulk. 
 or that of a German toward a beaker 
 of be»M'. If our lonteniporary desu'es 
 any further examples, we are prepartxl 
 to fm'uish 'em. 
 
 ■'There is a lot .u;<mii.u' on inside of 
 me," says the Tresident. There is a 
 lot going on inside of us. too. and next 
 time we try to eombine dill piekles 
 and sweet potato pie there'll be .i triik 
 in it. 
 
 Some Famous Horses. 
 High. 
 Dark. 
 Charlie. 
 Trojan. 
 Hobby. 
 
 It's to be hoi>ed the big guns those 
 Freneli women are helping make will 
 be as hard to silenee as they are. 
 
 Quite in aeeordanee with the eternal 
 fitness (^f things that Mr. Wilson 
 deliver prepared speeches on that 
 Western ti>ur. 
 
 tienerals Seott and Rliss. who ought 
 to know, have eome out uiu'eservedly 
 for the Continental army idea, and the 
 -whole plan seems so feasible and alto- 
 gether sensible that there is prai-tieally 
 no ehanee that ("ongress will adopt it. 
 
 We Judge from the esteenuni Con- 
 gressional Ueeord that the great 
 trt)uble with .some of our rising young 
 statesmen is that tliey rise entirely too 
 often. 
 
 liricha! 
 Our dear friend Luke 
 
 MeLuke is ill. 
 And has to take 
 
 Eaeh hour a pill ; 
 Hut does he rave 
 
 And rant and eurseV 
 Nay ! nay ! He has 
 
 A pretty nurse. 
 
 And what has beeome of the old- 
 fashioned girl who used to go to the 
 matinee and weep copiously when they 
 titHl the beautiful heroine to the rail- 
 road tracks, or when the swarthy 
 vilyun turned out the two pcxu* little 
 orphans into the snow and sleet? 
 
 "Any cnie with half an eye," begins 
 a New York American iniitorial. If 
 Urother Hearst will show us any one 
 with half an e.ve. or even two-fifths of 
 an eye, we'll cheerfully engage to read 
 the rest of the stutT. 
 
 The poor uum's wreck is now complete; 
 
 We speak of George MiCMabby : 
 He was too fond of wiiiskey neat, 
 
 And that's why he is shabby. 
 
 "Washingtt>n's views menaced by 
 stacks" : evidently old Uncle .Toe has 
 accumulated the usual row iTi front t)f 
 him. 
 
 Pri>bably nothing consoles a fat 
 woman more than to have another 
 woman tell her that nobixl.v would sus- 
 pect she didn't have a corset on. 
 
 /v('<~/> Standiit;}. 
 
 1. "Lusitania Case Now at Crisis." 
 
 2. "Lusitania Crisis Ai'ute." 
 
 3. "Diplomatic Relations May be 
 Sever^Hl." 
 
 4. "Germany's Answer Relieves 
 Strain." 
 
 ,"). "Lusitania Controversy Almost 
 SetthHl." 
 
 (). "Crisis Again Very Grave." 
 Etc. Etc. Etc. 
 
ROBKRT I':LIJ0TT GONZALES 
 
 185 
 
 Our Charlotte spy rejtortu tliat tlio 
 old town shelled out the uiuiiiflceiit 
 KUiri ol' (J — fjouiit 'eiu — () bucks for the 
 Jewish relief fund. There is no use 
 talJdiij,'; let those Tarheels get a little 
 money and they'll scjuander it like 
 drunken sailors. 
 
 How the Hociety Editors Love 'Emt 
 "Gracious hostess." 
 "Attractive d.ibutante." 
 "Spacious parlors." 
 "Tasteful decorations." 
 "Genial host." 
 "Dainty refreshments." 
 "Popular visitor." 
 "Quiet wedding." 
 
 We see by the New York World thai 
 it en«a«e<l in "exposing" somebfxly or 
 something again, and we suppose the 
 old pajicr is radiantly happy. Next to 
 a Hearst itaper, which never exposes 
 anything unless it is unjtoitular, The 
 World is our leading little exposcr, 
 but we must say for it that it wades 
 right into its subject snortingly 
 whether the move is popular or not. 
 
 The course of true neutrality never 
 did run smooth. 
 
 When money talks, its remarks are 
 never deleted by the censor. 
 
 London's six best cellars seem to be 
 
 maintaining a steady popularity. 
 
 « » « 
 
 Poor old Czar is not only unable to 
 advance, but can't even hold his zone. 
 
 Nobody ever seems to temper the 
 full-house to the shorn paragrapher. 
 
 Britain's new order of anti-aircraft 
 guns probably listed as overhead ex- 
 penses. 
 
 The Ally intimation appears to be 
 that if we don't give up, they may 
 have to. 
 
 A nature-faker might say that the 
 bulls are making the bears the goats. 
 
 William Dean Howell's statement 
 that young men should not write for 
 money finds every college boy's daddy 
 in hearty accord. 
 
 Few things in life are more iiathetlc 
 than a couple of driink men making 
 elaborate plans about what they are 
 
 going to do next day. 
 
 » * • 
 
 Last week, In<'idcMtaIly, ai»i)ears to 
 have taken the rest out of Huch;in;Ht. 
 
 f;re(;k reservists here confeiid that 
 they shoui<l .sliint; as much in war as 
 in peace. 
 
 "Koot for President" is an Ohio 
 State Journal headline. We rise tf> 
 offer an interpolation: "rio<jt for the 
 President." 
 
 A shii)Ioad of German i)laythings has 
 reached New York, and here we didn't 
 even know 'J''urkey's Cabinet had left 
 
 the country. 
 
 • * » 
 
 "Do not forget that only a few weeks 
 ago William of Germany paid homage 
 to the memory of Saladin, tlie Moslem 
 foe of the (Jrusaders." — I'hiladeljthia 
 North American. Well, if we have our 
 history on straight, Saladin was a 
 kind of njan that no Christian need be 
 ashamed of doing homage to. 
 
 It Is understoo<l that King George 
 will rai.se the peerage to J.ouis P^otha. 
 
 It is certainly a lucky thing there 
 was no von Tirpitz in old Noah's day. 
 
 In diplomatic problems as well as 
 chemistry, precipitation never gets a 
 solution. 
 
 Ty Cobb says he never drinks, but it 
 is thought he does not object to seeing 
 
 the bases full. 
 
 • * « 
 
 The President's note will soon be 
 framed. Germany's notes appear to 
 
 have been framed-up. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Just because the President works 
 his own typewriter, von Jagow mustn't 
 think he takes dictation. 
 
 Kings are human, just like the rest 
 of us, and probably old George wishes 
 to goodness every time he has to invest 
 a nice-looking lady with the Order of 
 the Garter that Mary didn't feel she 
 had to be present at the ceremony, too. 
 
18C) 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Necessity is tlie mother of invention, 
 and Mr. I<]dison is expected to qualify 
 as its papa. 
 
 We observe by tlie news from Flan- 
 ders that General Ilaig has again 
 scotched the enemy. 
 
 We don't know wliat they'll call the 
 submarine Tom Edison intends to in- 
 vent, but it will be A-1. 
 
 Suspicion grows that the beam in 
 T. R.'s eye is a one-term plank. 
 
 Mr. Bryan's family tree evidently 
 bears dates. 
 
 Petrograd reports that the entire 
 nation is praying for the Russian arms, 
 but it strikes us at tliis juncture some 
 prayers for the Russian legs might be 
 mucli more effective. 
 
 Some one in Pickens asks us if the 
 Germans are using Paris green on the 
 Bug river. We can't say. but judging 
 by the dispatches there is no Prussian 
 blue there. 
 
 A man will walk by a store that has 
 an attractive line of silk stockings in 
 tlie window, without a second glance; 
 but he'll walk a mile out of liis way to 
 see a pair that have something in 'em. 
 
 When it comes to making capital out 
 of labor, it's hard to beat "Mother" 
 Jones. 
 
 Any war dispatch, in brief: "Half 
 an inch, half an inch, half an inch 
 onward." 
 
 Needles and pins, needles and pins ; 
 when a land's neutral its trouble be- 
 gins. 
 
 Evolution of Chicago Aristocracii. 
 Pigs. 
 
 Priggs. 
 
 * » » 
 
 All the world's a stage, and it's a 
 dead easy guess which sex has all the 
 speaking parts. 
 
 It sounds paradoxical, but all of 
 Flaiti's avowetl candidates for Presi- 
 dent are dark horses. 
 
 Wrinkle, wrinkle, little face; 
 
 How you soon will lose your grace 
 H your owner still with paint 
 
 Tries to make you what you ain't. 
 
 You can't blame those Frenchmen 
 for firing on the German band that 
 struck up the Marseillaise — especially 
 if you ever heard a German band play- 
 ing the Marseillaise. 
 
 Guilford, N. C, gave birth to Uncle 
 Joseph Cannon, but the old town has 
 been conducting Itself so quietly and 
 modestly ever since that hardly any- 
 body ever brings the fact up against 
 it now. 
 
 Ah, ye knights of the pen ! May 
 honor be your shield, and truth tip 
 your lances ! Be gentle to all gentle 
 people. Be modest to women. Be ten- 
 der to children. And as for the Ogre 
 Humbug, out sword, and have at him ! 
 
 And here is a saying 
 
 Of old Mr. Starr : 
 "A smile on the face is 
 
 Worth two on the bar," 
 
 Will woman, ever kind, suffer us a 
 little while to live with suffrage off 
 our mind? 
 
 When a girl has a classy pair of 
 ankles, she can always find plenty of 
 shopping to do on a wet day. 
 
 Here is one thing doth much chagrin 
 And puzzle this here scout : 
 
 Why do we say a man's all in 
 When he is down and out? 
 
 A tactful clerk, we can attest, 
 Is our friend, Maurice Green; 
 
 For when there is an old maid guest 
 He gives her suite 10. 
 
 Maud Muller on a winter's day, 
 (We know that this Is shocking), 
 
 Hopped on a car and sliowed, they say, 
 Quite a gotxl deal of agility. 
 
 Some like the lark, the quail, the dove, 
 But our choice beats them hollow ; 
 
 The bird that mostly wins our love 
 Is just a little swallow. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 187 
 
 Let's make it possible for the hun- 
 gry Belgians to sing "We knead thee 
 every hour." 
 
 Constantinople insists that the 
 Petrograd correspondent is lying on 
 the Ottoman. 
 
 Those frozen rivers in Poland knew 
 how to make themselves solid with 
 the invaders. 
 
 Prosperity is now pretty general, but 
 those Russian ballet dancers seem to 
 be making a bare living. 
 
 Ed DeCamp tells us that there is no 
 reason why "any one should have the 
 blues." Ed, our observation has been 
 that we will not have the blues long 
 after bucking up against a few well- 
 placed straights, flushes, full-dwellings 
 and fours. 
 
 Europe is making Mexico seem like 
 a Chautauqua meeting by comparison. 
 
 We see by the theatrical news that 
 "King John" is the new Mantell piece. 
 
 Most conspicuous feature about Dem- 
 ocratic economy is the "con." 
 
 Just after China invited T. R. to 
 visit her, she changed the election laws 
 so that the President's term may be 
 indefinite. We're on, China ! 
 
 From his wonderful command of the 
 English language, one would never 
 suspect that Woodrow Wilson had had 
 a thorough college education. 
 
 'Raus Mlt 'Em! 
 Of all the pests 
 
 We hate the rummy 
 Who jabs his finger 
 
 In your tummy. 
 Then there's the guy 
 
 We'd like to whack. 
 Who slaps .you on 
 
 The sunburned back. 
 
 Keep Standing. 
 "Francis Joseph Critically 111." 
 "Crown Prince Reported Killed." 
 "Cruiser Goeben Sent to Bottom." 
 "Kaiser's Condition Grave." 
 "Americans Missing in Mexico." 
 "Hearst Attacks President." 
 
 A sissy is Percy Peet, 
 
 Who's one of the peace faction ; 
 He does not want a bigger fleet. 
 
 For it might strip for action. 
 
 A subsidized newspaper, as we un- 
 derstand it, is one that doesn't agree 
 with your views. 
 
 A man usually can't estimate what 
 another man's suit cost within five 
 dollars. But a woman can look at 
 another woman's suit and tell what it 
 cost within five cents. 
 
 Brush runabouts — Pullman porters. 
 
 It's obviously unsafe to hide behind 
 a woman's skirt any longer. 
 
 First thing we know, we suppose 
 some earnest prohibition solon will 
 want to abolish our puppy dog on the 
 ground that it is a little licker. 
 
 Many a man gets a big reputation 
 for Virtue and Morality, when if the 
 truth were known, the poor boob was 
 simply scared of getting caught. 
 
 The next time we have to send Ger- 
 many a note, we favor letting Billy 
 Sunday write it. 
 
 Our understanding is that Britannia 
 rules the waves on Mondays, Wednes- 
 days and Fridays. 
 
 We judge from her latest pictures 
 that Sister Tetrazzini is a little meteor 
 than most stars. 
 
 Still, the Mexicans will never have 
 as much trouble with their outlaws as 
 most Americans with their in-laws. 
 
 G. O. P. — nut politics, so to speak. 
 
 Any war report, in brief: "Line's 
 busy." 
 
 Nobody knows much about the Mar- 
 tian canals, but we suppose they come 
 
 under the slidereal system. 
 
 » # « 
 
 Well, anyway, Belgium, for one, 
 can't complain about our neutrality. 
 
188 
 
 POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The paiiitor of the celebrated peace 
 picture iu The Ilaiiue pahice is dead. 
 Peace preceded him some time ago. 
 
 The German who manages to bottle 
 up England will certainly be a corker. 
 
 Judging by British naval losses, it's 
 the Kaiser that put the dent in trident. 
 
 You might even refer to I'hiladel- 
 phia's negro evangelist as a sort of 
 chocolate Sunday. 
 
 While the Navy needs more yards, 
 the Army has Miles. 
 
 The pacifists ought to be lucky — 
 they are always knocking Wood. 
 
 No wonder money talks. Isn't there 
 a woman's face on the coins? 
 
 Another important difference be- 
 tween I'resident Wilson and the 
 Colonel is that the former wants the 
 war over and the latter wants it over 
 
 here. 
 
 « tt « 
 
 Turkey takes a lot of basting. 
 
 Rio Grande is still leading the cur- 
 rent news. 
 
 Lansing and von Bernstorff cer- 
 tainly take high rank as settlement 
 workers. 
 
 There is no fool like an old fool, 
 unless it is the fool who thinks he can 
 outargue a woman. 
 
 A red-headed man knows his hair is 
 red. But a red-headed woman's hair 
 is always Auburn or Titian. 
 
 If the Lord loveth whom He chast- 
 eneth, those Turks are singularly blest. 
 
 This is the year when a number of 
 persons born to the purple are going 
 to be blue. 
 
 "Brandeis for Supreme Bench." — 
 Headline. Jerusalem ! 
 
 "Turks Fall Back on Mush." Just 
 like the pacifist orators. 
 
 Seems paradoxical that Mr. Bryan's 
 peace plans call for disappearing guns. 
 
 We regret to note by the Northern 
 newspapers' "The Week in the Six- 
 ties" columns that the miserable Yanks 
 are giving us the devil. 
 
 We trust that in the course of their 
 daily walks the natives of Oyster Bay 
 are very careful not to step on the 
 Colonel's ear. 
 
 Naturally enough, most of the 
 squealing against preparedness is com- 
 ing from the pork barrel. 
 
 "Is the exposure of the ankle a 
 deadly sin?" demands the New York 
 World. Oh, no ; that's only a sort of 
 miss demeanor. 
 
 Our Dailn Ditty. 
 Miss. 
 Kiss. 
 
 Bliss. 
 
 * » * 
 
 That Kansas skunk farm must be 
 one of those social scenters we hear so 
 much of. 
 
 Pennsylvania legislator proposes the 
 laurel as the State tlower. What's the 
 matter with the Penrose? 
 
 Kiel should present a wonderful op- 
 portunity for German painters of still 
 
 life. 
 
 « » • 
 
 Italy is shaped like a boot, but 
 Turkey cheerfully recalls that the toe 
 is pointing the other w.iy. 
 
 SuCfrage, sufferance, suffering. 
 
 If Britain doesn't let our ships alone, 
 it'll soon be "Mad-in-America." 
 
 The Lord may be on Germany's side, 
 as the Kaiser so impressively states at 
 brief intervals, but it must be admitted 
 that the Czar has an Archangel. 
 
 There may be no fool like an old 
 fool, but our observation has been that 
 the young fool runs him a pretty close 
 second. 
 
 Justice Hughes' position seems to be 
 that he will positively not accept the 
 nomination under any circumstances 
 unless he gets it. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 
 
 189 
 
 Those Progressives are not bull- 
 headed. If the G. O. P. refuses to nom- 
 inate Roosevelt, they are willing to 
 t'onipronilse on T. R. 
 
 One-half the world may not know 
 how the other half lives, hut that isn't 
 because it is not doing its darndest to 
 find out. 
 
 It's all right to sympathize with the 
 under dog. But first be sure he didn't 
 start the scrap. 
 
 "Czar Nicholas has left for the 
 front." The front, at the present rate, 
 
 will meet him half way. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Advertisement in the estimable 
 Charleston News and Courier : "Lost, 
 on the afternoon of Jan. 31, 1915 : 
 
 Double Case Lady's Gold Watch." 
 
 * * * 
 
 Count Zeppelin is callefl the hardest 
 worker in Germany. And yet he can 
 take life easy. 
 
 Pittsburgh policewomen are to 
 censor the magazines. The fashion 
 
 periodicals should worry. 
 
 « « • 
 
 Where there is a Kitchen, there is 
 apt to be pork. 
 
 One-term j)ledge will be carried out 
 — on a stretcher. 
 
 "Mr. Wilson is afraid of only two 
 men — the Kaiser is one, and I am the 
 other." — Colonel Roosevelt. How that 
 man does hate himcelf ! 
 « # « 
 
 The average husband is likely to find 
 that new "battleship bonnet" a revenue 
 cutter. 
 
 * # » 
 
 If Bethlehem Steel is one of the 
 "war brides," South Carolina cotton 
 
 must have been one of its widows. 
 
 « » « 
 
 As we understand it, Hoke Smith 
 cares not who writes the world's laws 
 so he can write its cotton quotations. 
 
 Congress seems as determined to 
 limit immigration as the South Caro- 
 lina legislature is to restrict irrigation. 
 
 In the midst of Life there is gen- 
 erally a paragraph knocking the South. 
 
 It is said Hon. Hoke Schmidt is so 
 crazy over cotton that his very look is 
 baleful. 
 
 As a general proposition, it's safer to 
 indorse a man's sentiments than his 
 note. 
 
 King George is of a sober breed 
 
 That never gets a jag on, 
 So when he falls, it's off his steed 
 
 And not the grand old wagon. 
 
 « » • 
 
 Human nature is a depraved old 
 rascal, and our observation is that an 
 artistically designed illustrated corset 
 ad. will get a hundred earnest perusers 
 for every one who wants to know how 
 the Russians are coming along on the 
 Bug. 
 
 Our notion of the height of irony 
 is a European congregation singing 
 "They call us to deliver their land 
 from error's chain." 
 
 Count Zeppelin says aerial warfare 
 will last. A lot of aviators won't 
 though. 
 
 The average darkey's notion of a 
 labor-saving device is a wife who takes 
 in washing. 
 
 Judging by their bemedalled pic- 
 tures, the generals get about as many 
 orders as they give. 
 
 King Constantine and the Sultan 
 ought to form a partnership under the 
 firm name of Sick & Tired. 
 
 Fortune 
 street. 
 
 tellers — Dun and Brad- 
 
 It may not be the home of the brave, 
 but Thaw's lawyers know it's the land 
 
 of the fee. 
 
 • * « 
 
 New Culebra slides may prevent our 
 warships from passing through. That 
 certainly is the most unkindest cut 
 of all. 
 
 The unspeakable Turk is rapidly 
 
 making the Armenians the same way. 
 
 « « * 
 
 A word to the wise is a waste of 
 breath. 
 
190 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 T. R. reiterates his belief in the 
 recall of Presidents — to say nothing of 
 the recall of ex-Presidents. 
 
 Booze will make a monkey out of a 
 man. But it hasn't a thing on Daniel 
 P. Cupid that way. 
 
 It developes that Mr. Bryan does 
 not care for baseball. Probably hates 
 to see the bases full. 
 
 Our understanding is that the last 
 American shipload of food for the 
 starving Belgians was the best the 
 
 Germans ever ate. 
 
 * » ♦ 
 
 "Women aim at peace." The target 
 is perfectly safe. 
 
 Have the Remington strike leaders 
 received their Iron Crosses yet? 
 
 Money goes to many a woman's head, 
 as friend husband discovers when the 
 
 hat bills ooze in. 
 
 * * « 
 
 The poet d'Annunzio has suffered a 
 head injury, but his feet still seem to 
 be all riglit. 
 
 The trouble about some American 
 descendants of Germans is that they 
 seem to think it was quite a descent. 
 
 Opportunity doesn't knock half as 
 often as importunity. 
 
 Conditions in Haiti are usually re- 
 volting. 
 
 Those Turkish corps that are being 
 annihilated seem to have plural lives, 
 
 also. 
 
 * « » 
 
 Those English recruits training at 
 Epsom may be booked to join the old 
 salts. 
 
 Beyond the Alps lies Italy and 
 snores. 
 
 Footnote: King Constantine has a 
 cold. 
 
 Armament virumque cano. 
 
 At that, our most rabid pro-Teutons 
 will have to concede that the dachs- 
 hund is a mighty low down dog. 
 
 It must come natural for waiters to 
 walk on tip-toe. 
 
 The best way to display a neutral 
 tlag would seem to be on the ship's 
 bottom. 
 
 We suppose John Bull puts those 
 Zep. raids under the head of high 
 crimes and misdemeanors. 
 
 "Cracksmen Got Away With Unre- 
 deemed Pledges." says a headline in a 
 New York contemporary. So did Con- 
 gress. 
 
 Some men are born without a vision 
 and others try to sell mineral water in 
 Kentucky. 
 
 Possibly you have deduced from our 
 comments on the war that there are 
 very few Turkish subscribers to this 
 paper. 
 
 A House divided against itself can 
 not stand for American rights. 
 
 That Ypres canal seems to be the 
 European cripple creek. 
 
 It is all right to tell a man that you 
 like his makeup. But you don't want 
 to tell a woman that. 
 
 Story of a German surgeon making 
 a jawbone from a rib recalls that 
 Genesis scooped it ages ago. 
 
 We suppose they reckon distances in 
 Oklahoma as the Jim Crow flies. 
 
 You can't judge by appearances. 
 The most angel-faced youth we know 
 can tell jokes that would make Joseph 
 G. Cannon blush for shame. 
 
 The suff. contention, of course, is for 
 the freedom of the shes. 
 
 Sometimes we sit and wonder in our 
 idle way what in the mischief Eve did 
 when the cold weather came. 
 
 It is a safe bet those English women 
 companies for home defense wUl 
 intrepidly face the powder. 
 
 Poor old Turkey, she's made a hash 
 of it, as usual. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT iWNZALES 
 
 191 
 
 Mexican General Chao needs only an 
 extra letter to tit nicely into the situ- 
 ation. 
 
 • » « 
 
 Current "Life" is a John Bull Num- 
 ber, this disposing of the theory that 
 the Teutons had got his number. 
 
 "Turkish tobacco famine threat- 
 ened." When did all those North Car- 
 olina factories shut down? 
 
 Every one of us has a particular 
 friend, and some that are not so par- 
 ticular. 
 
 Red eyes are a sign that a man 
 ought to have glasses or that he has 
 had too many of 'em. 
 
 Prohibition in those counties on the 
 Tarheel border sounds like moonshine 
 to us. 
 
 T. R.'s 
 
 unum !" 
 
 revision : "ME pluribus 
 
 The Literary Digest is interested in 
 the origin of the first movies. Our 
 understanding is that they were Adam 
 and Eve. 
 
 The Turks claim they will win in 
 the long run, but they don't seem to 
 be any slouches at the sprints, either. 
 
 It's the American advances that 
 gratify London as deeply as the Brit- 
 ish advance. 
 
 A whole lot of grievances are 
 nursed on a bottle. 
 
 Absent-minded Math, professor, on 
 sentry duty : "Advance, friend, and 
 give the co-sine !" 
 
 A well turned ankle is responsible 
 for many a well turned head. 
 
 We have heard many dainty little 
 compliments to the Atlanta police 
 force, but this, from a Monmouth, 111., 
 paper is about the limit : "Lincoln 
 McConnell is scheduled to appear at 
 the city auditorium tomorrow. Mr. 
 McConnell once was a policeman in 
 Atlanta, but was converted to Chris- 
 tianity." 
 
 Drawing-rooms — dental parlors. 
 
 The best All-Star combination is the 
 American flag. 
 
 The first Christmas Eve, we pre- 
 sume, was Adam's. 
 
 Some girls are hard to get around, 
 but not the trim-waisted ones. 
 
 A visit to the butcher lurnisnes con- 
 clusive proof that the beef trust still 
 stands at Armourgeddon. 
 
 A hen is not necessarily absent- 
 minded just because she can't find 
 things where she lays them. 
 
 The first squalls on the sea of mat- 
 rimony are invariably followed by a 
 spanking breeze. 
 
 As we understand it, the surest way 
 to make a living by the pen is to 
 raise pigs. 
 
 Some single men are so stingy they 
 hate to give up bachelor's quarters for 
 a better half. 
 
 "A man who calls too often," says 
 Laura Jean labbey, "renders himself 
 a nuisance." Depends, we would say, 
 a good deal on what he holds. 
 
 Our observation has been that the 
 
 only justification some men have for 
 
 calling themselves live wires is the 
 
 fact that the clothes they have on are 
 charged. 
 
 Five years ago, you told a girl you 
 would like to see more of her. Modern 
 girls have made any such remark 
 entirely unnecessary. 
 
 "Chinese Suffragist Puts Modesty 
 First." — New York Times. East is 
 East and West is West, and never the 
 twain shall meet. 
 
 These "Post no bills" signs ought to 
 be put on every letter-box. 
 
 Chicago has a dog that chews to- 
 bacco. He must be a Spitz. 
 
 Isn't it queer how often a straight 
 ticket is crooked? 
 
192 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "Rockefeller and Morgan Ancestry 
 Traced Back to Monarch." — Headline. 
 Probably one of the seizers. 
 
 You can always depend on Colonel 
 Brj'an to do the write thing. 
 
 "England Bars Yarn Exports" — but 
 the censor beat her to it long ago. 
 
 The world may be growing better, 
 but we notice that at the art sales, 
 "Psyche at the Bath" continues to 
 fetch a good deal stiffer price than 
 "St. Angus at his Meditations." 
 
 And what has become of the old- 
 time damsel who used to hop on a 
 chair and scream when she saw a 
 mouse? 
 
 The best calling cards — a royal flush. 
 
 CHRISTMAS, 1915. 
 
 MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
 
 To Her. 
 
 To old Santa. 
 
 To our noble self. 
 
 To poor old Henry 4d. 
 
 To Messrs. Haig & Haig. 
 
 To the inventor of tlie short skirt. 
 
 To Woodrow Wilson, for keeping us 
 out of it. 
 
 To the unfortunate souls we owe 
 money to. 
 
 To all the! brethren of the quill 
 everywhere. 
 
 To all other anti-okraites and anti- 
 polka-dotters. 
 
 To Marse Watterson, and more 
 power to his pen. 
 
 To everybody in general, and the 
 kiddies in particular. 
 
 To every dear creature that wears 
 a skirt. God bless 'em ! 
 
 To Queen Sophie for letting Con- 
 stantine know who's boss. 
 
 To all the Princesses who are going 
 to propose to us next year. 
 
 To our dentist, for stopping a little 
 short of killing us completely. 
 
 To "Papa Joft're," the savior of 
 France, and to the glorious poilus. 
 
 To the weather man, even if he 
 didn't come across with a fall of the 
 beautiful. 
 
 To Frank L. Stanton, Georgia's sun- 
 shine dispenser, and may he live to be 
 a million. 
 
 To the gentleman who sends us our 
 subsidy of British gold promptly every 
 week. 
 
 To everybody we should have 
 thought of greeting in the Colyum to- 
 day, but didn't. 
 
 To all Byzantine logothetes, of what- 
 ever race, color, or previous condition 
 of servitude. 
 
 To William of Hohenzollern, cruel, 
 wilful and wrong-headed, but consid- 
 erable man for all that. 
 
 To the Allies and the Teutons ; but 
 the only merry thing we wish the 
 heathen Turk is merry h — . 
 
 To the New York World and the 
 New York. Times, the powerful bul- 
 warks of the Democratic press. 
 
 To our more or less gentle readers, 
 for so amiably overlooking the great 
 age of some of our so-called jokes. 
 
 To Greece and Roumania. for not 
 entering the war and deluging us with 
 a new crop of unpronounceable names. 
 
 To Generals French and Haig, for 
 having been accommodating enough to 
 be born with such punnable names. 
 
 To the teller of our bank, for re- 
 fraining from laughter when we ask 
 importantly what our account is now. 
 
 To Deacon Hemphill, of Charleston. 
 Richmond, Charlotte, Philadelphia, 
 Washington, and the country at large. 
 
 To King George, with the earnest 
 advice to straddle a Shetland pony 
 next time he feels like doing any 
 riding. 
 
 To Lord Kitchener, for having 
 enough sense to steer clear of that 
 there aged duchess who tried to snag 
 him. 
 
 To the great and good man and 
 brother who dealt us an ace on the last 
 card yesterday at the critical moment. 
 
 To Hon. Ring W. Lardner, who orig- 
 inated the Friend Al stuff, having 
 thereby enabled us to fill up many a 
 stickful of space. 
 
 To the thousands of loyal friends 
 and subscribers who have stuck so 
 loyally to the old pape- through sun- 
 shine and shadow. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 193 
 
 To Old Doc Cook, Dumba, Boy-Ed, 
 Von Papen, Panch Villa, Don Wliisker- 
 auza, 'Gus Gardner and Cap'n Hobson, 
 for the paragraphs they have made. 
 
 To the great, glorious, glittering and 
 gifted galaxy of exchange editors who 
 have embroidered their editorial pages 
 with cullings from this Colyum of 
 Chatter. 
 
 To that brave antique, the divine 
 Sarah, and here's hoping she gets well 
 and makes an annual farewell appear- 
 ance in this old land of the free until 
 she is 150. 
 
 To all sick folk, the bedridden, and 
 the shut ins, and to those not so well 
 endowed with this world's goods as us, 
 though personally we don't believe 
 there can possibly be any such. 
 
 To Bro. Hearst, whose little faults 
 we feel it our bounden duty from time 
 to time to point out and endeavor to 
 correct, in our helpful little way, 
 though it must be confessed that the 
 man doesn't seem to pay the least bit 
 of attention to us. 
 
 To Teddy of the Teeth, whom we 
 exhort to enjoy the limelight while he 
 can, for the way Woodrow and the 
 mighty hosts of an uuterrified and im- 
 perishable Democracy are going to 
 dust the seat of the man's pants next 
 year will be a caution. 
 
 To Ed DeCamp, Robert Quillen, 
 Watson Bell, Joe Patton, Elder Caine, 
 "Sid Alyn," Sam Farabee, "Jim" 
 Cowan, the Myrovers, Wig. Cheatham, 
 Rion McKissick, Pierre Fike, Tom 
 Arnold, Harold Booker, Rev. Sam 
 Creech, Charlie Hearon, Al Hutchison, 
 Dixon Merritt, "Bud" Stephenson, 
 W. H. Wallace, John D. Spencer, Bob 
 Gray, Ed Lambright and Jim Hamel. 
 
 To Our Own Doc Evans, from 
 whose comforting column we learn 
 today that we are pretty sound, wind 
 and limb, with the trifling exceptions 
 of pneumonia, diptheria, bronchitis, 
 asthma, diabetes, dyspepsia, dropsy, 
 poor circulation, rheumatism, neural- 
 gia, milk leg, yellow jaundice, catarrh, 
 vertigo, scrofula, softening of the 
 brain, St. Vitus's fox trot and pink 
 eye. 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who was 
 afraid of a mouse now has a daughter 
 whose hair is full of rats. 
 
 Stick to it, Woodrow. The people 
 are behind you, and there is nothing 
 frozen about their props. 
 
 Von Bernstorflf is said to be fond of 
 the movies, and the indications are 
 that he'll soon be one himself. 
 
 When a married man goes home 
 hungry late at night, he always gets a 
 piece of tongue and a roast. 
 
 When a woman gets to be 30 years 
 old, she will be 31 in about four years. 
 
 Pig-headed stubbornness is the per- 
 severence of somebody we don't like. 
 
 "Paddy" is a boy's nickname. But 
 it fits some of the sisters mighty well. 
 
 Germany has barred the export of 
 apples, as she needs every corps she 
 can get. 
 
 Perhaps the pork-brigade will take 
 more kindly to a bigger navy when 
 they learn there's a trough of the sea. 
 
 It must be a great relief for once for 
 the girls to be able to pop the question 
 
 without having to question pop. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Some Famous Toms. 
 Thumb 
 Watson 
 Titmouse 
 Dixon 
 Cat. 
 Boy 
 
 The Piper's Son 
 Fool 
 Tit. 
 
 The Sequel. 
 International law. 
 International jaw. 
 
 There are closed seasons for the 
 other game. But you can hunt trouble 
 the year around. 
 
 Germany's insistence on attacking 
 armed ships doesn't seem to extend to 
 the British Navy. 
 
194 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "Woll," snid the Man Who Novor 
 Reads the Papers, "now that the (.er- 
 luans have eouquereil l?nlpiria ami 
 joined forces with the Russians, it 
 looks bad for the Czar of Iluniiar.v. 
 doesn't it? The.v tell me that if those 
 Jap submarines don't stop sinking the 
 Swiss ships. President tJarrison will 
 send them a note. I hear that Sir 
 John Kitchener is now in command of 
 the French army in China. By the 
 way. what do you think of this pre- 
 paredness-at-any-price idea of Henry 
 Ford's?" 
 
 Yes, it IS Oetting Wanner. 
 (From the St. Louis Globe-Democrat.) 
 Mr. and Mrs. I'aul R. Van Tuyl of 
 4204 Athlone avenue are receiving con- 
 gratulations on the arrival of twui 
 infants yesterday, a boy and a girl. 
 Mr. Van Tuyl is an artist. 
 
 "Women are marrying men and 
 reforming them every day in the year," 
 says the I?oston Transcript. If they 
 need reforming that often, the ladies 
 certainly have our teuderest sym- 
 pathy. 
 
 A Vet's Counsel. 
 Here's good advice relayed to lis by 
 
 one whom poker pays : 
 "Don't call a bet, young man." he said. 
 
 "lay down your hand or raise." 
 
 No matter if a woman's wardrobe 
 and closet are jam full of clothes, she 
 always insists that she has nothing 
 
 to wear. 
 
 # * « 
 
 Money is the root of all evil, and we 
 all have spades. 
 
 Those Turkish checks appear to have 
 been bogus. 
 
 How much pleasanter is the cock-a- 
 doodle-doo of the Democratic rooster 
 than the crow that falls to the portion 
 of Republicans and Progressives ! 
 
 If a man tried it. he'd be a candidate 
 for the coroner in about live minutes. 
 But a woman can have her mouth full 
 of pins and chatter just as gaily as 
 if there wasn't a thing there. 
 
 No girl is ever so homely that she 
 doesn't imagine that every man she 
 passes is secretly eating his heart out 
 for her. 
 
 How do those who contend that 
 wi)man is the intellectual inferior of 
 man accomit for the fact that she can 
 give a man a piece of her mind 305 
 days in the year and still have a huge 
 reserve supply ? 
 
 How Dc(tr to Ilimf 
 "I have such a kind hearted mate!" 
 
 Exclaimed .voung Mrs. Mitty ; 
 "He says he has to stay out late 
 
 At night to feed the kitty." 
 
 Bri/ant a la Mode. 
 The melancholy days are come. 
 
 The dry est of the year ; 
 It's hard to get a little rum, 
 
 Or even a little beer. 
 
 An ounce of preparedness is worth 
 a pound of pork. 
 
 One touch of scandal makes the 
 whole world chin. 
 
 Burns up-to-date : A chiel's amang 
 us writin' notes. 
 
 "The women of the country are not 
 for peace-at-any -price." declares a 
 prominent suft'. You bet they are not, 
 sister. They are for peace marked 
 down to something — OSc. 
 
 We presume that they call him Marse 
 Hen. because he's the Nestor of Ameri- 
 can journalism. 
 
 "There are 140 races in Russian ter- 
 ritory." with the Russians doubtless 
 leading in most of 'em. 
 
 One of the Khedive's wives is miss- 
 ing, but that's just like a fellow losing 
 a coin from a bag of $50 in nickles. 
 
 It's a great wonder the suffs don't 
 insist that it be renamed the Pana- 
 
 mama canal. 
 
 « * » 
 
 Mr. Marshall says he is entering 
 ui^on four years of silence, but no man 
 initialUM "T. R." is going to keep quiet 
 for four mortal years. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 195 
 
 "Chaos Reigns in Mexico City." The 
 capital must have settled down to nor- 
 mal at last. 
 
 Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
 fez. 
 
 If John Bull keeps on, we'll have to 
 start calling 'em the high sieze. 
 
 The Sublime Porte's sublimity is be- 
 ginning to look like three dimes. 
 
 « # • 
 
 The fellow who predicted that the 
 Turks would be in the running seems 
 to have made a good guess. 
 
 Those insurgent Senators evidently 
 forget that the ferrule is a part of 
 every schoolmaster's equipment. 
 
 All the good jokes don't appear in 
 the humorous weeklies. Frinstance, 
 here's the New York American saying 
 that it feels "emboldened to give a 
 modest toot or two upon our own 
 horn." 
 
 A square man never lacks a circle of 
 friends. 
 
 Russia expects every consonant to 
 do its duty. 
 
 We are inclined to fear that the 
 French reports of the fighting around 
 Lens are greatly magnified. 
 
 "Knight of the Garter Killed." 
 Whatdye mean, "No metal can touch 
 
 you ?" 
 
 As we understand the situation, 
 whenever a German army heaves in 
 sight, the Russians beat it. 
 
 A fool and his money are soon petted. 
 
 » « » 
 
 It's no treason to say we like Wil- 
 son, but Roosevelt is better still. 
 
 In other words. Ally liners contend 
 that guns are a stern necessity. 
 
 In discussing the Germans, Colonel 
 Hank Watterson firmly refuses to a.s- 
 cend to personalities. 
 
 Those Italians don't seem to be very 
 much good at the forward pass. 
 
 If organized baseball had an official 
 dance, we suppose it would be the can- 
 can. 
 
 • * • 
 
 England seized a cargo of sausage 
 skins as contraband. Probably took 
 'em off a bark. 
 
 One hears a lot of facetious criti- 
 cism of feminine hosiery, but it's all 
 right as far as we can see. 
 
 With Britain excluding Lady Nico- 
 tine, she can't expect Virginia to back 
 'er. 
 
 A little intuition gets a man farther 
 
 in this life than a lot of tuition. 
 
 • * * 
 
 An American right the belligerents 
 
 might respect would be one to the jaw. 
 
 • * « 
 
 With all due respect to Mrs. Pank- 
 hurst, the hand that rocks the win- 
 dows will never be the hand that rules 
 
 the world. 
 
 « • • 
 
 Apparently a Turkish commander is 
 entitled Bey because he leads a dog's 
 
 life. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Germany's birth rate shows a de- 
 crease. The mailed fist leaves no room 
 
 for undressed kids. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Worst licked, Mr. Taft, but best 
 
 liked. Isn't that worth something? 
 
 » * « 
 
 Every time a Turkish soldier falls 
 about 110 women have to put on crepe. 
 
 A man will use a public hairbrush 
 in a club washroom and wipe his flap- 
 pers on a towel that looks like the 
 Liberian flag. But if he goes home and 
 finds that one of the family has used 
 his hairbrush and left a few hairs in 
 it and that the bathroom towels are 
 slightly soiled, he has a 12-cylinder, 18- 
 
 karat fit. 
 
 « * • 
 
 4d(i Hfmga of Long Ago. 
 "Oh, take me to that happy land where 
 
 rivers of beer are found ; 
 Where sweet gin-rickeys fill the air 
 
 and highballs roll on the ground. 
 Wha-a-at! Highballs roll on the 
 
 ground? 
 Sure ! Highballs roll on the ground !" 
 
196 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Petrosrad revision : 
 "For how can mau lie better 
 Tlian I'acinj; fearful oddsski 
 For the ashes of his fathers 
 
 And the temples of his s^'dsski?" 
 
 # 4t # 
 
 Poor old human nature was ever 
 prone to niatjnify the mote and forget 
 the beam, and we don't suppose there 
 is more hearty sniekerinj; anywhere 
 over those quaint little petticoats the 
 Greek warriors wear than in what's 
 left of tlio rank and tile of the Gordon 
 Ilishlandors or the Black Watch. 
 
 The Kaiser, thinks the Edgefield Ad- 
 vertiser, "has a symi)atlietic cord in his 
 breast." Yep, tliat's the one he uses 
 for stringing us. 
 
 We have no excuse to make for our 
 Anglomania. We love the old country 
 like a woman loves chicken salad, and 
 that is considerable affection. 
 
 « * * 
 
 If the Turk contiuvies his present 
 gait in Armenia, he'll soon become al- 
 most as bad as us Christians. 
 
 And what has become of the old- 
 fashioned woman who used to knot her 
 money in her handkerchief? 
 
 Britain has barretl all metal exports, 
 but we understand that coppers from 
 Ireland will continue to arrive as here- 
 tofore. 
 
 • • • 
 
 Probably the best thing yet said of 
 the President's speaking trip is The 
 Wall Street Journal's characterization 
 of it as a tour de force. 
 
 Chapter I — Jug. 
 Chapter II — Jag. 
 Chapter III — Juggai. 
 
 Germany's "whittling down" process 
 seems to have a sort of reverse Eng- 
 lish. 
 
 « « » 
 
 We have sent a shipload of horses 
 to Russia, but those thirsty moujiks 
 would much prefer a few ponies. 
 
 "Ix)ok up, not down." urges an ex- 
 cbauge. Not while the ankle-watch is 
 in vogue. 
 
 The surest sign of rigid neutrality is 
 when botli combatants complain of it. 
 
 America is the world's largest pro- 
 ducer of coi)per and Ireland of cop- 
 pers. 
 
 Perhaps an immediation board would 
 get quicker results in Mexico. 
 
 Chickens aren't the only things that 
 come home to roost. There are love- 
 letters. 
 
 It certainly would be interesting to 
 overhear some of the explanations our 
 missionaries are putting up to the 
 heathen these days. 
 
 An Americus paper refers to Tom 
 Watson as being In the public eye. We 
 feel that we must disagree with our 
 contemi)orary. Tom is not in the public 
 ej'e. He is in the public nose. 
 
 Hard Luck. 
 We'd like to meet 
 
 John Henry Short ; 
 'Tis rumored that 
 He has a quart. 
 
 — Macon Telegraph. 
 
 We fear that you 
 
 Will have to thirst; 
 You see, we met 
 
 John Henry first. 
 
 • » * 
 
 Prof. Newcomb says that in 7,000.000 
 years the sun will be only half its pres- 
 ent size. No wonder (Jermany is so 
 anxious for a place in it. 
 
 Life is full of disappointments. For 
 instance, no sooner did the short skirt 
 l)romise to reveal a few })retty good 
 looking props than fashicm had to go 
 and decree that the girls must sur- 
 round "em with these here bronze shoes 
 
 about a yard high. 
 
 » • » 
 
 Some Famous Feet. 
 Slew 
 Hay 
 Straw 
 Cloven 
 Cold. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 197 
 
 Yep. 
 Here is a solemn truth, my son, 
 
 And one that you should know ; 
 You can not hope to get a bun 
 
 Unless you have the dough. 
 
 Wow. 
 There was an old jurist named Hughes, 
 Who said, "I most firmly refughes 
 
 To get in the race 
 
 For friend Woodrow's place; 
 For it's a dead cinch I would lughes !" 
 
 A woman's notion of rigid economy is 
 spending .fl.OS less for something she 
 needs so that she can spend $11.08 more 
 for something she doesn't need. 
 
 Vienna reports consistent Austrian 
 gains, it being now thought that they 
 have so lengthened the gap that there 
 is little hope of the Russians catching 
 
 'em. 
 
 « » « 
 
 A Kansas legislator is gunning for 
 face-powder and perfume, and it looks 
 as if he's going to make a vanity bag, 
 
 too. 
 
 • • • 
 
 A celebrated alienist is dead, leaving 
 a fortune of .$500,000, which is proba- 
 bly the biggest money ever made out of 
 
 nuts. 
 
 « « « 
 
 Torpedoing defenseless merchant 
 ships is something like swatting a day- 
 old infant with a baseball bat. 
 
 • * * 
 
 There are liars and liars. But the 
 dirtiest liar of all is the "Welcome" on 
 
 the door mat on the front porch. 
 
 « « * 
 
 The war so far has cost billions of 
 francs, shillings and marks, and it may 
 cost a few crowns as well. 
 
 Maybe marriages were made In 
 heaven, but we believe in giving the 
 old-fashioned porch-swing some credit. 
 
 Palmettodom is all forlorn. 
 
 No longer gay and merry ; 
 It looks as if John Barleycorn 
 
 Must go with Tom and Jerry. 
 
 Who says there's nothing in a name? 
 The author of "I Didn't Raise My Boy 
 to be a Soldier" is Alfred Bryan. 
 
 Somewhere east of Suez seems to be 
 unhealthy for the Turk. 
 
 Half a loaf is better than no vaca- 
 tion. 
 
 In other words, if you can't wear 
 your party's collar you are apt to get 
 a cufit". 
 
 The earth may cease its revolutions 
 in 5,000 years, as this astronomer pre- 
 dicts, but it's a safe bet Mexico won't. 
 
 When a girl has a brace of shapely 
 props, she doesn't care how hard the 
 wind blows. 
 
 Our undenstanding is that the 
 Cologne Gazette is the New York Amer- 
 ican of Germany. 
 
 Penrose must have forgotten that the 
 "Pay-as-you-enter" plan of electing 
 Senators is obsolete. 
 
 Well, you'd naturally look for Gore 
 after Lansing. 
 
 Keeping in the middle of the road is 
 a certain way of stopping the rocks 
 
 from both sides. 
 
 « » « 
 
 Dardanelles is probably the only 
 instance where three kings can't open 
 under the guns. 
 
 Count that day queer, whose low 
 descending sun brings no fresh news 
 that Duke Nick's on the run. 
 
 Mr. Edison's remarks on prepared- 
 ness are naturally illuminating. 
 
 "Made-in-Germany" also appears to 
 extend to our munitions conspiracies. 
 
 We should help clothe those ragged 
 Poles. The dogs of war can furnish 
 only the pants. 
 
 If we lived in the theatre of war, we 
 believe we'd go out between the acts 
 pretty often. 
 
 Even Rev. Billy couldn't do much 
 good with a hopeless backslider like 
 the Gaillard cut. 
 
 French heels don't appear to be in 
 fashion any more along the Aisne. 
 
198 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 We suppose Berlin is now thoroughly 
 acquainted with the fact that the will 
 in Wilson is still doing business at the 
 same old stand. 
 
 Possibly trouble might be obviated 
 by the Kaiser's consenting to allow us 
 the use of his ocean on, say, Mondays, 
 Wednesdays and Fridays. 
 
 The more pork Congress kills the 
 more bacon it saves. 
 
 Rivers of ink have flowed in ridicule 
 of the late Anthony Comstock. But 
 we wish that we were half as sure a 
 niche in heaven as he is. 
 
 European nations evidently think 
 they can solve the food problem by 
 making mincemeat of one another. 
 
 Current references to war's "wrink- 
 led front" explain in part its unpopu- 
 larity with the feminine contingent. 
 
 Sing Sing's quaint little idea of tact 
 is appointing a spiritual visitor to 
 the condemned a reverend gentleman 
 named Cashin. 
 
 With most of the peer supply cut off, 
 American girls are now being loved 
 for their pink faces instead of their 
 greenbacks. 
 
 Since the new styles eame in, most 
 of the street-corner lads are willing 
 for the damsels to have all the place 
 in the sun they want. 
 
 Probably nothing in the world 
 tickles an old maid more than catch- 
 ing somebody in something he or she 
 has no business doing. 
 
 In that day the lion shall lie down 
 with the lamb. Col. Bryan and Col. 
 Roosevelt shall sleep together. 
 
 Once upon a time there was a sur- 
 geon who did not decide that an imme- 
 diate operation was necessary. 
 
 Well, you can usually count on 
 Haiti to lend some color to the news. 
 
 When a man has to be shadowed, it's 
 usually an indication that he's shady. 
 
 If Carranza can't have peace him- 
 self, he evidently isn't going to let any- 
 body else have it. 
 
 Another thing Prof. Taft has done 
 since quitting office was to knock 
 into everlasting smithereens that tradi- 
 tional "Nobody-loves-a-fat-man" the- 
 ory. 
 
 It seems to be the general impres- 
 sion that Berlin government circles 
 aren't square. 
 
 We don't mind Germany forging 
 ahead, but not in the matter of Amer- 
 ican passports. 
 
 "Germans fighting with fire." In this 
 country they prefer playing with it. 
 
 Turks rushing to enlist evidently 
 prefer the jaws of death to the jaws 
 of life. 
 
 The grape is said to be Mr. Bryan's 
 favorite fruit. Next to that he likes 
 a date. 
 
 Here Is a Chant of Hate Agin Okra. 
 
 Try it over on your Ford : 
 
 Cabbage and squash, they matter not ; 
 
 Spinach, tomatoes, or peppers hot ; 
 
 We love them not, we hate them not ; 
 
 We praise them not, nor yet berate. 
 
 We have but one and only hate. 
 
 Though we love many, we hate but 
 one: 
 
 We have one hate, and one alone : 
 OKRA ! 
 
 Come, let us stand in the market- 
 place. 
 
 An oath to swear to, face to face. 
 
 An oath of bronze no wind can shake, 
 
 An oath for our sons and their sons 
 (if any; otherwise daughters will 
 do) to take. 
 
 Come, hear the word, repeat the word, 
 
 Throughout the commonwealth make 
 it heard : 
 
 We will never forego our hate ; 
 
 We have all but a single hate ; 
 
 We love as one ; we hate as one ; 
 
 We hate one stew and one alone : 
 OKRA!" 
 
 The Turk's dream seems to have 
 turned out to be a nightmare. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 199 
 
 Among the athletics in a Panama 
 fair race was Mr. Bugg. He started, 
 of course, from scratch. 
 
 It must be something else when a 
 Turkish soldier has to sit down and 
 read all his letters from the family. 
 
 "Women and children first !" admon- 
 ished Count Zeppelin, as he ordered 
 another raid on London. 
 
 Is this Colonel Tiddy 
 Who wants us all riddy 
 With guns and with threasure 
 
 The foe to repel? 
 It IS Colonel Tiddy 
 Who wants us all riddy ; 
 Upon me sowl, Tiddy, 
 
 You're doing d d well ! 
 
 Yale's showing has been so disap- 
 pointing this year that it is persist- 
 ently rumored that Mr. Walter Camp 
 will put only seven or eight Yale men 
 on his All-American team, instead of 
 
 the usual eleven. 
 
 * * # 
 
 Republics are notoriously ungrate- 
 ful, but they have no monopoly of 
 that commodity. Greece, for instance, 
 is just now putting up the classiest 
 little exhibition of ingratitude this 
 generation is likely to see. 
 
 Some Revenue Cutters. 
 Automobiles 
 Wives 
 Licker 
 Poker 
 Butchers. 
 
 If a body meet a body who is full of 
 
 rye. 
 Take a tip, and pass that body very 
 
 quickly by. 
 
 # * * 
 
 The greatest pest 
 Of whom we know 
 
 Is he who says 
 "I told you so." 
 
 The Progress of Kultur. 
 
 1865— Sherman. 
 
 1915— German. 
 
 Seems paradoxical, but one's dearest 
 friend is the one who always wants a 
 loan. 
 
 The chill wind moans 
 
 Among the trees ; 
 We see the end 
 
 Of B. V. D.'s. 
 
 Would, ah, would that 
 
 Some genius gent 
 
 Would but invent 
 The songless cat ! 
 
 This is a tolerably truthful old 
 State. But Ananias must turn in 
 his grave whenever a candidate an- 
 nounces that he is running only by 
 reason of the earnest and repeated 
 solicitation of his friends. 
 
 It is understood that in consequence 
 of this country's vigorous representa- 
 tions Turkey will make a radical 
 change in the treatment of Armenians, 
 hanging or drowning them, instead of 
 brutally shooting them. 
 
 Add popular fiction : 
 Idle rumor. 
 Common sense. 
 Human race. 
 
 War in the Balkans ! Will it pass 
 Like vapor on a polished glass? 
 Or will the world in wonder see 
 A second stern Thermopylae? 
 
 The warring nations have their Iron 
 Cross, Victoria Cross and Cross of the 
 Legion of Honor, but the Red Cross is 
 the noblest and most glorious decora- 
 tion of them all. 
 
 Why Paragraphers Oo Crazy. 
 
 "How in the world do you think up 
 all those things every day?" 
 
 "Do you dictate your stuff?" 
 
 "Isn't it a lot of trouble having to 
 read all the exchanges?" 
 
 "Is everything you say original with 
 you ?" 
 
 "I thought of a good one for you 
 yesterday, but I've forgotten it." 
 
 "If I sent you some real good dope, 
 would I get anything for it?" 
 
 "Why don't you quit knocking 
 I Allies?" 
 
 the 
 
 J Germans?" 
 
 There was little fighting in Flanders 
 yesterday. Wet grounds. 
 
200 
 
 roEMs AXD rARAaRArii;s 
 
 Bulffaria'a thoory Is Hint a fiioiid 
 in neuil is no friond of lici-b!. 
 
 The revelation that Ceorpe Sylvester 
 Vlereck's most cherished possession is 
 a violet from tlie Knive of the poet is 
 certainly enough to nialce the sluide of 
 Osear Wilde. 
 
 Mexican leaders anjjrily insist that 
 we are resi)onsil>le for Mexico's lnn>- 
 };er. Hence tlie t>xpression, casns belli. 
 
 Before the marriatjje she thinks he is 
 the Candy Kid. lUit afterwards she 
 finds out that he is a I^emon Drop. 
 
 The breath of snsi>lcion has carda- 
 mom seed in it. 
 
 Mr. Gardner says our warships can't 
 hit. Nobody has ever been able to get 
 a run out of them, either. 
 
 We supi>ose that John 1>. feels better 
 since the n(>ws that Poland's new kini; 
 will be auouitcd with oil. 
 
 The grand did;e ought to be satistied. 
 He started out to hire the (UM-nums 
 into llnssia, and he did it. 
 
 The Czav's subjects, according to a 
 Western paper, are evincing a disi)osi- 
 tion to see Russia first, but the main 
 question is, will they see Russia last"? 
 
 "Paris to Try Chicago Keef." goes a 
 headline. It's a dead cinch guessing 
 that verdict. 
 
 The tone i>f l\>lonel Watterson's 
 comments on tlie Kaiser have become 
 very much more dignitied and re- 
 strained, and all yesterday's Courier- 
 Journal says is that he is bound 
 straight for hell. 
 
 We are surprised to observe by the 
 latest photographs that those Hnssian 
 generals are as ferocicmsly bearded as 
 ever. We judged that they would 
 show the etYei't t>f the lathering von 
 llindenburg gave 'em, to say nothing 
 of their close shaves. 
 
 Two things that never jibe well with 
 horse sense are an unbridled temper 
 and the spur of the moment. 
 
 The indications are that Secretary 
 Daniels is going to make the Navy 
 even more formidable and ellicient 
 than the Kepui>lican l)arnacled etlitors 
 had feared. 
 
 Many a time and oft we sit and 
 wonder in our idle way what Sher- 
 man woidd have said al>t>ut Cerman 
 (liplon\acy. 
 
 We see by the Massachusetts ex- 
 cluinges that another epidemic of Fossy 
 jaw is now raging in the poor little 
 State. 
 
 Dnr notion i>f an appropriately- 
 named newsimper is the Russian mili- 
 tary organ. It is "Uussky Invalid." 
 
 Not the least t>ntertaining feature of 
 the situation is the Southern press 
 vigorously denouncing ciipperheadism. 
 
 Russia reports that her new dread- 
 noughts are "combing the Rlack Sea." 
 l>onbtless want a brush with the 
 enemy. 
 
 We are in favor of Colonel Roose- 
 velt's taking his hand out of his hip 
 pocket when he stands behind the 
 I'resldent. 
 
 While real Anierican papers are 
 talking reason, the hyphenated editors 
 seem to have tacked on a "t." 
 
 At that, the Liberty Bell Isn't the 
 only half-cracked object with a big 
 tongue that has been in 'Frisco this 
 nu>nth. 
 
 Sometimes we, too, have our mo- 
 mei\ts of depression when we ftvl that 
 a paragrapher is not without honor, 
 save in his own coimtry and every- 
 where else. 
 
 The ipu^stion we have put up to 
 (Germany, we take it. is whether to I'un 
 her war on the Kuropean or the Amer- 
 it-an plan. 
 
 According to the Philadelphia 
 Ledger, "the Bear retlectively licks his 
 chops." So there is something he cau 
 lick, after all. 
 
liOllFJiT KLLIOTT (lON'/.ALK^ 
 
 201 
 
 " 'K('(>i) on ItcliiK H Motlu'i-,' says 
 T. R." Ilcjidlinc. You're iiol. UilkiiiK 
 to us, (Ntldiicl. We've Hi ruck. 
 
 Yoll are uol, ai>l lo he a corker if 
 you un; an uiieorker. 
 
 However, UiiHsiii w<tul(l clieerrully 
 underKo a prolraeteil heef sliorla^'e for 
 only one slice ol" Turkey. 
 
 .F((liii Sliarp <'aii he inlKlily hlinil. 
 
 In llie niidsl ol' \\U\ vv(> usually luid 
 a nauKhly |»lctiire. 
 
 Dardanelles failure Is juHt another 
 exaini»le of a sIraK. healing tliroo khij,'s. 
 
 "Houlhern editors hehlnd Taft," 
 Roes a headline. No wonder W(> can't 
 nee 'em. 
 
 If ('arranza ean'l or woii'l, we know 
 a certain k<>ii<<'<'<I <'lderly ^'eidh-nian 
 who <'an and will. 
 
 'I'heic seems to he a picliy >;eneral 
 impression I hat. flu; kind of eompul- 
 Hory education ]VI(;xlc(» nee<ls oiikIiL to 
 h'ad olT with trl(.;Kenioni(!try. 
 
 C/orn (lodKors -prohlhlth)nlHtH. 
 
 Constantino must l)e Greek for Hen 
 
 Peck. 
 
 « » • 
 
 Th(>re's many a low trick imlled off 
 on the hi^li seas. 
 
 You never hear anyhody sayiiif^ of a 
 man that, his name is nnid if he has 
 sand. 
 
 lOvery tlnu; (%)nstant itie iriakes u|) 
 his ndnd to Join tlie allies, he K<>es 
 home and Hophhr tells him where he 
 
 Kefs off. 
 
 Jud^chiK l)y the KroncheH some men 
 tak(> homt', tli(\v seem to think that 
 frhuid wife is personally responsihh; 
 whenever anything K<>es wron^ iit the 
 
 olllee. 
 
 * * * 
 
 nyphenated enthuslasin for "On- 
 ward, (llirislian Sol<iiers" seeniH (pieer 
 in view of the fact that one vers(; he- 
 Ulns "We are not divhhid." 
 
 Our notion of the helKht of s\iper- 
 lluity Is an anti-treathiK law in H<"ot- 
 land. 
 
 Many of us can rememher when 
 Steel common was a n^Knlm" lauf,'hlnK- 
 
 stock. 
 
 « » * 
 
 Whit lAlirarkinH Go Crazy. 
 
 "I want a copy of Ah^xander Hk; 
 I'ope's poems." 
 
 "lias Itider lla;,'j;ard writ ten any- 
 thing since David llarum'"V 
 
 "Hav(! you The Cricket on th(! 
 Andirons.' "'I 
 
 "No, I don't waid "riie Mfe of Wa^- 
 n(!r' ; I don't (;are a tiling for hasehall." 
 
 "i'lease Klve me Mal/a<r's latest 
 novel." 
 
 'IMien; are ahoiit J),7H({,r) i:{ ways of 
 KettiuK on tlu; ^^ood side of a woman, 
 liuMudinK protesting that you thought 
 her daughter was her ulster. 
 
 It took Don VVhlskeranza a (ieuc(> of 
 a time to put the 111 In Villa, hut tlie 
 old scamp a])pears lo hav(; done the 
 j(»h at last. 
 
 You never hear any kick over old 
 Santa's air raids. 
 
 "l<'onl is still sanguine." And lOu- 
 rope Ih HtiU sanKuinary. 
 
 If Roosev<'lt di<l .join the Allies, we 
 supi)os(; they'd i)romptly assign him to 
 llie K'lM S((Ma(l. 
 
 Iiloy(l-(J(!orKe is trying to woo tin; 
 Welsh inhKirs to cons<'rli»tlon. II(! 
 knows tliey'd he the pick of the army. 
 
 T. It. says Wilson Is following in 
 Taft's footsteps. Well, th(!r(!'s no dan- 
 ger of Woodrow missing tin; trail. 
 
 II must make; a woman cliuckh; 
 ((uietly to hers(!lf wh(Mi sin; hears a 
 I Mil I man i>ort(!r address friend lius- 
 haiid as "Boss." 
 
 A woman can make; over an old dress 
 MO clev<'rly that it ]o(tks like l>rand 
 new and all tin; men would swear It is 
 hrand new. But th(! otlier women can 
 tell at a glance that it has heen made; 
 over. 
 
202 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Judging by W. A. Evans, M. D.'s 
 frequent diatribes against tlie demon 
 rum, he must be one of those dry docs. 
 
 It is I'eported tliat in another search 
 for the British navy, the (jerman fleet 
 made a daring raid almost to the very 
 battlements of Kiel. 
 
 We know one ardent prohibitionist 
 who hopes when he comes to die it 
 will be of water on the brain. Mean- 
 while he has to content himself with a 
 crick in the back. 
 
 The Congress will please come to 
 disorder. 
 
 Evidently it was Britain that put 
 the mess in Mesopotamia. 
 
 A 'Wonder. 
 A statesman whom we think is great 
 
 Is Mr. Lucius Lide; 
 He never rises in debate 
 
 And says, "I point with pride." 
 
 Why Ifs a ^nap for Woodroiv. 
 Cannon 
 Burton 
 Weeks 
 Whitman 
 Sherman 
 Borah 
 Cummins 
 Penrose 
 Root 
 La Follette. 
 
 This visiting English lady who so 
 enthusiastically exclaims that Ameri- 
 can men are Apollos must take those 
 illustrated clothing and union-suit ads 
 too seriously. 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who used 
 to hike up her skirt about eight inches 
 when she boarded a trolley car now 
 has a daughter who doesn't have to 
 hike up hers at all. 
 
 Berlin's claim that a German fleet 
 scoured the North Sea last week look- 
 ing for the British Navy reminds us 
 of the fellow who heard a noise down- 
 stairs and courageously marched up to 
 the attic to beard the burglar to his 
 face. 
 
 A girl would shriek with horror if 
 you invited her to have an onion. But 
 she will go down street so pungent 
 with perfume that you can't keep on 
 the same block with her. 
 
 And don't you believe for a minute 
 that all the classy liars are in the war 
 zone writing for the papers. There is 
 the lad who tells his wife that he never 
 plays higher than a 5-ceut limit in 
 the little games at the club. 
 
 We would not be the weather man 
 for all of John D.'s rocks, for him do 
 all the kickers pan with every brand 
 of knocks. They raise their voice in 
 loud complaining, they rave and rant 
 and swear, they cuss him awful when 
 it's raining, they cuss him when it's 
 fair. There's nothing the man does 
 that suits, although he does his best, 
 he can't please the sour-mugged 
 galoots ; they never let him rest. We 
 would not be the weather guy, forever 
 getting bumps. If it should come to a 
 choice, why we'd rather be an umps ! 
 
 Famous Heads. 
 Crowned 
 Wooden 
 Mutton 
 Pin 
 Figure 
 Swell 
 Bone 
 Pudd'n 
 Block 
 
 Don't you believe for a minute that 
 a milliner hasn't the whole bunch 
 skinned as a diplomat. When she 
 wants to sell an expensive hat, she 
 tells the customer that some woman 
 the customer doesn't like is thinking 
 of buying it. 
 
 Poor Simp ! 
 Here lies what's left of Heinrich 
 Hunn ; 
 We would he had been wiser ; 
 He walked up to Marse Watterson, 
 And honored, "Hoch der Kaiser !" 
 
 Our Daihi Ditty. 
 Married. 
 Harried. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 203 
 
 Talking about your eternal-fitness- 
 of-things, just lamp this list of attrac- 
 tions at the Columbia theatre : 
 
 "September Morn" was followed by 
 Nat Goodwin. 
 
 Nat Goodwin is followed by "Every- 
 woman." 
 
 "Everywoman" is followed by "The 
 Garden of Allah." 
 
 "The Garden of Allah" is followed 
 by "Safety First." 
 
 Welcome Words. 
 "I'm going to raise your salary." 
 "This one's on me." 
 "Here's that five, old man." 
 "That's good to me." 
 "Yes, dearest, I'll be yours." 
 "Your credit is good.' 
 "You're next." 
 "Do have another helping." 
 "Sure, I'll be glad to endorse it." 
 "Inclosed find check." 
 "Safe!" 
 
 It's funny how a skinny old cow 
 that nobody in his senses would give 
 $15.75 for suddenly expands in value 
 to a pedigreed Jersey worth $125.00, 
 if a cent, when a train hits her. 
 
 The Hearst papers are still hydro- 
 phobing over British seizures at sea, 
 but have nothing to say about the mil- 
 lion Armenians done to death by their 
 appetizing Turkish friends. 
 
 The Psalmist said in his haste that 
 all men are Hearst Washington cor- 
 respondents. 
 
 But even the legislature can't pre- 
 vent the mercury taking a drop when 
 it feels like it. 
 
 With all due respect to Henry Ford, 
 what's needed is a peace-step that isn't 
 a goose-step. 
 
 A Paris hospital hopes to restore 
 faces ruined in the war; but nothing 
 can restore the reputations. 
 
 Advent of the short skirt has made 
 our national anthem's first line : "Oh, 
 say, can you see," more impressively 
 appropriate than ever. 
 
 A bore is a man who tries to talk to 
 you about himself when you want to 
 talk to him about yourself. 
 
 "Does Bryan really like the hyphen?" 
 asks an editor. Well, we can't answer 
 for any except "50-50." 
 
 Count that day queer in which when 
 dusk is nigh, sir, the correspondents 
 have not killed the Kaiser. 
 
 Looks like another victory in Greece 
 for Sofia and Sophie. 
 
 Constantinople will spare no pains 
 to please the Kaiser on his approach- 
 ing visit, it being understood that even 
 a special Armenian massacre has been 
 
 arranged to celebrate the great event. 
 
 * * * 
 
 There is simply no telling how much 
 money those Germans blow in for 
 blow-ups. 
 
 Since the foreign nobility crop was 
 cut off, rich American girls are even 
 more peerless than ever. 
 
 The more waist, the less speed. 
 
 Pull for America or pull out. 
 
 "Scotch peer criticizes government." 
 A Highland fling, so to speak. 
 
 Oyster Bay, L. I., still seems to be 
 one of our leading exclamation points. 
 
 Somebody asks us if we are with 
 Mr. Bryan in his unpreparedness 
 propaganda. No, sirree — this here is 
 
 a spinal column. 
 
 * * * 
 
 If Mr. Post's portrayal is authorita- 
 tive, the late Col. Khayyam was prob- 
 ably the luckiest tippler who ever 
 inhaled a quart. It was only four or 
 five steps home from the tavern — and 
 nary a keyhole in the house. 
 
 "85 Die . . . King George Sends Let- 
 ter of Sympathy to Victims," reports 
 the New York American. We doubt 
 if it does them much good. 
 
 Most of the stock phrases of every- 
 day life are intelligible to us, and we 
 know a jot, but we wish somebody 
 would tell us what a tittle is. 
 
204 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Greece has the cutest little scheme 
 of all. When there is a majority of 
 deputies against the king, the army is 
 mobilized and the recalcitrant dep- 
 uties ordered to join it. Then the king 
 promptly orders an election for dep- 
 uties. 
 
 Watson Bell thinks that dentists 
 should make good poker players be- 
 cause they are fine at filling. Our ex- 
 perience has been that they draw well, 
 too. 
 
 We charitably assume that the bar 
 to which the Memphis Commercial Ap- 
 peal says they are bringing Col. Bryan 
 is not the kind with a foot-rest. 
 
 It certainly is pathetic, the way 
 hordes of German-Americans who 
 always voted the Republican ticket are 
 falling away from the President. 
 
 Vain regrets never get a man any- 
 thing, but sometimes we can't help 
 wishing we had been a sophomore in 
 the college where Bro. Hearst was a 
 freshman. 
 
 Speaking of natural advantages as 
 an infallible protection against inva- 
 sion, you recall, of course, how splen- 
 didly the Alps protected Italy against 
 Hannibal and Napoleon. 
 
 "I can not keep my hands off things 
 that belong to others," explained a 
 New York prisoner. We have noticed 
 a similar complaint in certain promi- 
 nent European circles. 
 
 If the short skirt had been in vogue 
 in the prodigal son's day, he wouldn't 
 have had to go home to see a fatted 
 calf, especially if there was a little 
 breeze stirring. 
 
 We appreciate more than tongue or 
 Smith Premier No. 2 can tell the kind 
 greetings of the newspaper and other 
 friends who remembered us with 
 Christmas cards, polka-dot ties, etc., 
 and It is perhaps needless to state 
 that we reciprocate every blessed 
 greeting with all our tobacco heart. 
 But we desire to say to our good 
 friend Ed Lambright that we entertain 
 
 absolutely no ambition to live to be 
 1,000 years old, like Methusalum, Noah, 
 King Lear and the other patriarchs 
 mentioned in the Bible. Think of being 
 about 972 years old, Ed, with all your 
 friends dead and gone hundreds and 
 hundreds of years ago and all the pret- 
 ty girls not giving you a second glance 
 when you meet on the street, and your 
 hair and your teeth departed long 
 since; so blind you couldn't see a 
 shapely ankle; so deaf you couldn't 
 hear a child's silvery laughter, and Old 
 Colonel Stomach such a wreck that 
 you couldn't even take a little sump'n 
 every now and then — nothing but a 
 little spinach or stewed okra, say, twice 
 a day. You can live to be 1,000, old 
 dear, but not for us. We intend to 
 reach the ripe old age of 250, get on 
 the outside of a quart of champagne, 
 draw the draperies of our couch around 
 us and lie down to pleasant dreams 
 with a smile on our withered lips. 
 
 A prudish man, be it confessed, 
 
 Is Mr. Benny Bliss ; 
 He will not watch a pool game lest 
 
 He see the ivories kiss. 
 
 Why Switzerland is Prepared. 
 Belgium. 
 Luxemburg. 
 Servia. 
 Greece. 
 Montenegro. 
 
 Cuss the Luck! 
 
 Ah, tough it is when one's sunk deep 
 
 Within the seignory of sleep 
 
 To think of some bright paragraph 
 
 That's sure to make the peepul 
 
 laugh. 
 
 And eager wake, to find, by jing. 
 
 That he's forgot the doggone thing. 
 » » » 
 
 International Monakers. 
 Anatole France. 
 Mark Hamburg. 
 Mario Ancona. 
 Irving Berlin. 
 George Allan England. 
 Archbishop Ireland. 
 Jack London. 
 
 A Ford and his money are soon 
 parted. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 205 
 
 Appropriate Residence Streets. 
 For the newlyweds : Rice. 
 For the pessimists : Indigo. 
 For the swains : Lady. 
 For the smokers : Tobacco. 
 For the preachers : Divine. 
 For the freshmen : Green. 
 For the dancers : Assembly. 
 For the millers : Wheat. 
 For the wood dealers : Oak, Pine 
 and Lumber. 
 
 For the florists : Blossom. 
 For the politicians : Bull. 
 
 The most precise young she we know 
 
 Is Miss Amanda Rames; 
 She calls the place where people go 
 
 To exercise, the James. 
 
 'Ware o' the Subs, Hennery I 
 It is the good ship Flivver that will 
 
 sail the wintry sea, 
 And I'm almighty thankful that she is 
 not taking me ! 
 
 Fruit cake and hard sauce 
 
 And blackberry jelly 
 Are good, but they give you 
 
 A very griping and distressing agi- 
 tation in the abdominal region. 
 
 Add Famous Jacks. 
 O'Lantern. 
 Johnson. 
 High. 
 Full. 
 
 Black 
 
 Sonville. 
 
 We used to think a full-fed tabby 
 purring away in front of the kitchen 
 stove like a house afire was the last 
 word in friendliness. But did you ever 
 notice the persistence of a puppy dog 
 in its frantic and futile attempts to 
 jump up and lick your nose? And that 
 leads us to another thought. If all 
 men were as reliable and staunch and 
 true as some dogs are, this would be a 
 100 per cent, better world. 
 
 When Greece showed her hand she 
 
 knuckled down. 
 
 » » • 
 
 In the matter of the short skirts, the 
 eyes have it. 
 
 Famous Horses. 
 Stalking. 
 Dark. 
 Charley. 
 Trojan. 
 High. 
 Hobby. 
 
 "Carranza strings up bandits as 
 warning." If to the bandits, it must be 
 regarded as highly successful. 
 
 "Czar Sends Pink Jade as Gift to 
 Mikado" ; but what on earth does 
 Mutsuhito expect to do with her? 
 
 "You can't rattle Bryan," declares 
 an admirer. Oh, we don't know. You 
 might take him out in a Ford. 
 
 For that matter. Colonel Bryan, 
 Stonewall Jackson was a Presbyterian 
 elder, too. 
 
 "The Kaiser still flits from front to 
 front," observes an exchange. Yep, 
 you might almost say the theatre of 
 war has a constant change of Bill. 
 
 "Uncle Joe is still in Congress," says 
 Mr. Taft. Radical change in the old 
 gentleman since last we knew him. 
 
 If you want to know Europe's senti- 
 ment regarding war, read the remark 
 of Mr. Poe's well-known raven. 
 
 Germany apparently believes in 
 fighting the enemy with fire and sword 
 — sword in Europe and fire over here. 
 
 Our notion of a soldier of fortune is 
 
 one who hasn't been killed yet. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Peace is priceless, but not at any 
 price. 
 
 Syndicate newspaper photograph is 
 captioned, "King of Greece on the 
 wall." Anybody can see him on the 
 fence. 
 
 To make a long story short- 
 sor. 
 
 -the cen- 
 
 Practically all the papers we see ap- 
 pear unanimously to have found Henry 
 Ford guilty of doing as he likes with 
 his owa. money. 
 
206 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who 
 thought It was Perfectly Scandalous to 
 waltz now has a daughter who hesi- 
 tates and fox-trots from 9 p. m. until 
 6 a. m. every other night or so. 
 
 Mr. Ford's favorite author is Thack- 
 eray. We suppose that middle name 
 had Henry rooting for him from the 
 beginning, 
 
 "We suppose the first thing the suffs 
 will do when they get in power is to 
 order that thenceforth all the prayers 
 end with "Awomen." 
 
 It's a funny slanguage. One man 
 tells you Ford is a nut, and other says 
 he is off his nut. And they both mean 
 the same thing. 
 
 A 35-year-old dame can drop five 
 years from her age and fool most of 
 the men. But she can't fool the other 
 women. 
 
 We see by the Berlin dispatches that 
 the latest German hunt for the British 
 Navy was an unqualified success. They 
 didn't find it. 
 
 Certainly our dogs of war need to 
 be adequately wardrobed. At present 
 they have nothing but their pants. 
 
 News from Servia, Mesopotamia and 
 Gallipoli give "murdering the King's 
 
 English" an added significance. 
 
 * # * 
 
 Germany reports a serious decline in 
 the birth rate. Among the other sins 
 this war has to answer for is taking 
 pop out of population. 
 
 No wonder T. R. and "Billy" Sunday 
 denounce the Ford trip so bitterly, as it 
 has crowded them off the front page 
 back among the liver-pill ads. 
 
 There may be something more in- 
 gratiating than the smile a colored man 
 who once did you some trifling service 
 will wear around Christmas time, but 
 we never saw it. 
 
 Women are cute. If they can't get 
 what they want out of him by talking 
 for two hours, they know they can 
 get it by crying for two minutes. 
 
 "Young Americans who watch Eng- 
 land in the present war will readily un- 
 derstand how we won our independ- 
 ence," says the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. 
 Not knocking our esteemed ancestors, 
 of course. 
 
 It is to be doubted if Mary's little 
 lamb was half as tractable as Sophie's. 
 
 Add Life's-Little-Tragedies. 
 
 The German blew up a Yankee pow- 
 der factory to see if we would stand 
 for it. 
 
 We did. 
 
 Most of the anti-preparedness squeals 
 appear to come from the pork barrel. 
 
 We see by the papers that the last 
 survivor of the Monitor is dead again. 
 Our understanding is that there are 
 only 10,987 of these patriots left among 
 
 us now. 
 
 « » • 
 
 "That is the message we bring you 
 (Congress) from the American people," 
 winds up a New York American edi- 
 torial. How long has Hearst been the 
 American people, anyway? 
 
 Sometimes it seems as if most of our 
 prominent politicians put in practically 
 all their time trying to get a column or 
 so of free advertising in the paper over 
 their signatures. 
 
 Another amusing little feature of the 
 situation is Berlin sternly demanding 
 that the British conduct their naval 
 warfare in accordance with the princi- 
 ples of justice and humanity. 
 
 Timid suggestion to the Hon. Charlie 
 Chaplin: Why not fall down once or 
 twice? 
 
 Montenegro's truce with Austria in- 
 dicates that she has lost her interest as 
 well as her capital. 
 
 Nothing is certain but death, taxes, 
 and the fact that no given Headache 
 is worth any given Jag. 
 
 "Women have peace aim," says a 
 headline. Well, it's 100 to 1 they'll 
 miss it. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 207 
 
 We didn't raise our Boy-Ed to be a 
 nuisance. 
 
 France calls out 400,000 mere boys — 
 for the infantry, of course. 
 
 This is no year for the pork Con- 
 gressmen to go the whole hog. 
 
 Money talks. And one bunch of it 
 is talking a lot of foolishness. 
 
 Fords rush in where Wilsons fear to 
 tread. 
 
 Ford's expedition is to be filmed. 
 What'll they call it— The Birth of a 
 Notion? 
 
 What has become of the old-fash- 
 ioned boy who used to want to run 
 away to sea? 
 
 Rio Janeiro cables that the nation is 
 aroused over the question of prepared- 
 ness. They're not all Brazil nuts down 
 there. 
 
 It's not keeping the wolf from the 
 door that bothers many a hard-working 
 papa so much as keeping the stork 
 from it. 
 
 Count that day queer, in which when 
 eve is nigh they have not nabbed an- 
 other German spy. 
 
 There is a growing suspicion that 
 those Austrian replies to our notes 
 were also "Made-in-Germany." 
 
 When a man has been married a few 
 years, he realizes that the best bet is to 
 apologize humbly to her, whether he 
 did it or not. 
 
 We realize that mere man has no 
 business criticising what any dear 
 creatcher chooses to wear, but fur 
 around the neck and on the shoe tops 
 
 does seem rather going to extremes. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 And if you get too thirsty on the 
 grand old w. wagon, just remember 
 that it has springs. 
 
 "I sat down in a vacant chair," quoth 
 Hon. Irvin Cobb, in The Saturday 
 Evening Post. Are you quite sure, 
 Irv.? 
 
 Berlin will observe that red tape can 
 produce a pink slip. 
 
 The Colonel's hat is in the ring, and 
 there is a strong suspicion that there's 
 a brick under it. 
 
 We see by the papers that the atti- 
 tude of Greece's new premier will con- 
 tinue to be one of benevolent congealed 
 props. 
 
 "What is more emblematic of tri- 
 umph than the crowing rooster?" asks 
 the Springfield Republican. Well, 
 there is a cackling hen. 
 
 The Entente has sent Athens another 
 note. It's getting to be a regular Greek 
 letter society. 
 
 Our observation has been that a 
 brisk, windy day will send cotton up 
 higher than the bull ever did. 
 
 Wilhelm says that in the end he will 
 bring his enemies to their knees, and 
 it's likely enough, but the knees will 
 be firmly planted in his abdomen. 
 
 Some men are born ivory-domed, and 
 others pass up a patrick straight under 
 the guns in the hope of getting a raise. 
 
 You may not have very much sense. 
 But if you have enough to keep your 
 mouth shut and look wise, it will not 
 be long before you acquire a wide rep- 
 utation as a fountain of Wisdom. 
 
 The Chicago Tribune has its anat- 
 omy badly mixed. It says that "Cap- 
 tain Jack Crawford was wounded four 
 times under the starry banner," 
 whereas it was really in the thick of 
 the fight. 
 
 It takes all kinds of people to make 
 a world, including the syndicate writer 
 who solemnly announces that the 
 Kaiser traces his descent way back 
 yonder to one of the vestal virgins of 
 
 ancient Rome. 
 
 » * * 
 
 Grape juice, women and song! 
 
 We call them our English cousins, 
 and it does look as if they spent most 
 of their time trying to cozen us. 
 
208 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 "Twelve Democrats Injured in Col- 
 lapse of Grandstand in Pennsylvania." 
 Headline. Who would have suspected 
 there were that many of us there? 
 
 Before they are married, he raves 
 about her curves. But after they are 
 hitched up he finds out that she is 
 strong on control, too. 
 
 Oh. if old Sister Nature had only 
 given us an extra little arm on our 
 collar-bones that we could scratch our 
 backs conveniently with ! 
 
 When a Southern mob runs amuck, 
 Northern editors begin to run a muck- 
 rake. 
 
 Georgia's peach crop remains appre- 
 ciably greater than her peacher crop. 
 
 Mary Pickford says that too many 
 women are flat-busted. Well, at this 
 time of the year they haven't anything 
 on most of the men that way. 
 
 One of the first things a baby learns 
 is to put his foot into his mouth. And 
 a whole lot of 'em never break them- 
 selves of the habit when they grow up. 
 
 No wonder Mr. Lansing's pictures 
 show him smiling — almost everybody 
 is willing to indorse his notes. 
 
 It's only Santa's coming down the 
 chimney that keeps many a childish 
 hope from going up the spout. 
 
 Well, it takes Christmas to break 
 the Solid South. 
 
 When the father of a red-headed girl 
 named Edith May has money, she is 
 always Edythe Mae and her hair is 
 Titian. 
 
 Love's young dream would get an 
 awful jolt if some young men could see 
 the way she looks next morning in a 
 kimono with her hair in curl papers. 
 
 Some people are such rampant peace- 
 at-auy-pricers that they won't even go 
 sleighing. 
 
 Could you call a belated Christmas 
 shopper a counter-irritant? 
 
 The Macon Telegraph says the G. 
 O. P. wants a strong Presidential can- 
 didate, "and wants him bad." Well, 
 
 there's Uncle Joe ! 
 
 * * * 
 
 We know one man in this town who 
 is such a staunch prohibitionist that 
 he won't even set foot in church when 
 the pews are full. 
 
 Austria looks to be quite as compe- 
 tent at evasion as invasion. 
 
 The quickest way to learn how many 
 friends you have is to go out and try 
 to borrow money from some of 'em. 
 
 When a woman hires a new servant 
 she always hopes she'll have some in- 
 teresting gossip about the people she 
 
 worked for before. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Greece's idea of a stolen base seems 
 to be Salonica. 
 
 "Can women keep a secret?" asks an 
 exchange. They can keep it going, all 
 
 right, all right. 
 
 * * # 
 
 At that, absence doesn't make the 
 
 heart grow half as fond as presents. 
 
 * * * 
 
 It looks as if Germany is willing to 
 do anything under the sun for a place 
 
 in it. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Hon. Mikado apparently forgets that 
 China is to be handled with care. 
 
 Now it's up to Lansing to see what a 
 word to the unwise will do. 
 
 Here is a little quotation we try to 
 remember to print every Christmas- 
 tide, because we believe it does good 
 every time it sees the light, and we 
 know few things as appropriate to the 
 season : "I expect to pass through this 
 world but once. Any good, therefore, 
 that I can do, or any kindness that I 
 can show to any fellow creature let me 
 do it now. Let me not defer or neglect 
 it, for I shall not pass this way again." 
 
 All the atrocities are not confined to 
 the war zone. There are the New Eng- 
 land bards who try to write negro 
 dialect. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 
 
 209 
 
 A Sure Thing. 
 A body of Bible students 
 Out there in Arkansaw 
 Or somewhere 
 Has decided after due 
 Deliberation 
 That there is no 
 Hell. 
 No hell? 
 
 We'll bet those ginks 
 Never woke in the early a. m. 
 With their esteemed tongues feeling 
 Like an overgrown 
 Sofa-pillow, 
 
 And a thousand little devils 
 Trip-hammering at the base of 
 Their so-called brains, 
 Laughing mockingly all the while. 
 They never saw 
 An obese pink camel 
 Hitched to an orange landau 
 Wherein two elephants of brilliant 
 
 green 
 Majestically sat 
 Flirting their palm-leaf fans. 
 They never saw — 
 But that will do, we guess, 
 For this time, 
 Oh, there's a hell. 
 All right, all right! 
 
 A Feiv Munchausen Forgot. 
 "No trouble at all, I assure you." 
 "Do come and see us some time !" 
 "I'll pay you back tomorrow, sure." 
 "Guaranteed full weight." 
 "The Whiskey Without a Headache." 
 "You're looking fine." 
 "I'm only a little winner." 
 
 Every now and then you come across 
 a Southern politician who isn't always 
 wailing to the Peepul that the Corpor- 
 ations and the Monied Interests are 
 iersecuting him and trying to make 
 a Martyr of him. 
 
 There are just about 98,765,4.32 va- 
 rieties of fools in this world. And 
 heading the procession are the people 
 who spend twice their incomes to make 
 other people think they are rich. 
 
 The British may be washing their 
 dirty linen in public, but, at any rate, 
 they are wa.shing it. 
 
 Famous Jacks. 
 
 Tar. 
 
 Ketch. 
 
 Union. 
 
 Flap. 
 
 A. Napes. 
 
 Sprat. 
 
 Frost. 
 
 The Giant-killer. 
 
 Horner. 
 
 Daw. 
 
 Yellow. 
 
 Robinson. 
 
 The Ripper. 
 
 Ass. 
 
 * ♦ * 
 
 Our All-European Team. 
 LE— Von Kluck. 
 LT — Mackensen. 
 LG— Haig. 
 
 C — Jellicoe. 
 RG — Romanoff. 
 RT— Cadorna. 
 RE — Enver Pasha. 
 
 Q — Ferdinand. 
 LHB— .Joffre. 
 RHB— Kitchener. 
 FB — Von Hindenburg. 
 Water Boy — Bernard Shaw. 
 
 Spon.sors — Mrs. Pankhurst and Sis- 
 ter Sophie. 
 
 If there is one thing that acquires 
 our nanny, it is a man boasting about 
 his Virtue, when, as a matter of fact, 
 he probably hadn't enough sense for 
 Temptation to waste time on. 
 
 When a baby is snub-nosed and red- 
 eyed and evinces signs that it has the 
 amiability of a drunk pugilist, mother's 
 mother always knows that it takes 
 after its father, and father's mother 
 always knows that it is the living 
 image of its mother. 
 
 Human nature, take it all in all, to 
 say nothing of by and large, is a pretty 
 sinful old scoundrel, and we suppose 
 the men will always pay a good deal 
 more attention to the illlustrated cor- 
 set and lingerie advertisements than 
 they ought to. 
 
 "Austrians bombard Verona, killing 
 28," but we trust the celebrated two 
 gentlemen were not among them. 
 
210 
 
 POEMS AND PARAaRAPIIS 
 
 Complete returns from all the muni- 
 tions plants indicate that a lot of 
 hyphens are burnin,t: with indignation. 
 
 Servia began the war with 250,000 
 men, of wluun Berlin, Vienna and Solia 
 have captured to date 1,G54,;>21. 
 
 What has become of the old-fash- 
 ioned kings who used to have family 
 reunions about this time of the year? 
 
 Senator Penrose seems to be under 
 the impression that a man qualifies as 
 Presidential timber merely because he 
 has a lumbering gait. 
 
 The Kaiser is sick, and Von Tirpitz 
 is sinking fast. 
 
 "American women have backbone," 
 declares an editor. They have. And 
 the ladies' evening gowns show it 
 pretty plainly, too. 
 
 If it is true, as the St. Louis Post- 
 Dispatch asserts, that woman is now 
 "the equal of man in every particular," 
 it certainly was the deuce of a come- 
 down. 
 
 Somebody nuist have told the 
 Georgia negro preacher who tried so 
 hard to get aboard the Oscar II that 
 the hatchway was where they keep the 
 chickens. 
 
 * « « 
 
 One of the greatest troubles with 
 this poor old world is the circiun- 
 stance that the Fool Killer appears to 
 stay so seldom on his job. 
 
 Probably nothing puts one of us hick 
 paragraphers in a better humor than 
 writing something cutting and sar- 
 castic about New York. 
 
 Mr. Arthur Brisbane says that all 
 the greatest men have blue eyes, and 
 by one of the queerest coincidences 
 imaginable, Mr. Brisbane has blue eyes, 
 too. 
 
 The old-fashioned woman who 
 thought tights were Fearfully Im- 
 modest now has a daughter who owns 
 a drug store complexion and keeps 
 her skirts hiked ui) half-way to her 
 knees. 
 
 A Cincinnati woman says that 
 thousands have died from kissing. 
 O death, where is thy sting! 
 
 The jingoes seem to think it is 
 Wishy Washington. 
 
 We suppose it will be the proud 
 boast of the future "400" that their 
 ancestors went over on the Oscar II. 
 
 Irvin Cobb says the war zone looks 
 like hell. How that man has traveled ! 
 
 It is understood that Senator Ijodge 
 is so snobbish he won't even look at a 
 bill before it has been introduced. 
 
 Keep a Presidential bee and 
 
 stung. 
 
 ?et 
 
 We are tliinking of naming our pet 
 Leghorn "Constantine." Whenever we 
 see her, she's on the fence showing a 
 white feather. 
 
 A woman's idea of a snappy and 
 business-like telephone conversation is 
 when she doesn't talk more than tifteen 
 minutes. 
 
 "Mary Full Stomach," says the 
 Pittsburgh Post, "has a government job 
 in Washington." Interior Department, 
 of course. 
 
 We see by the papers that the Turks 
 now call the Kaiser Midiib Ul Islam, 
 but we have heard him called a lot 
 worse than that. 
 
 Wo are inexpressibly rejoiced at the 
 circumstance that to date Elder Caine, 
 l\V a gigantic effort of the will, has 
 refrained from saying anything about 
 Lord Astor's now being among the 
 flower of the nobility. 
 
 Ananias was considerable liar. But 
 if he ever heard a politician explaining 
 that he decided to make the race with 
 extreme reluctance and only after the 
 persistent solicitations of many friends, 
 Ananias would go off and try to get 
 himself a reputation. 
 
 We should get more light on 
 preparedness now. Congress having 
 turned on the gas. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 211 
 
 One of the hardest things for the 
 average man to realize is that people 
 who argue the other way on some 
 exciting issue may not he getting paid 
 for it. 
 
 We know one girl in this town who 
 is so proper she won't even refer to a 
 Greek as a Hellene. 
 
 We are probably getting very old- 
 fogyi.sh and all that, but personally we 
 never could see where a sprinkling of 
 hells and damns added much to a col- 
 lege yell. 
 
 « « » 
 
 We call Columbus a hero because 
 he crossed the ocean in a leaky little 
 tub. But Columbus hasn't a thing on 
 the woman who marries a man to re- 
 form him. 
 
 * » « 
 
 What the pacifists want is a Kitchin 
 Cabinet. 
 
 Add current humor : "Berlin regrets 
 Whitlock's going." 
 
 Speaking of first downs, tliere are 
 those college boy mustaches. 
 
 Mr. Hearst evidently doesn't own a 
 single mine or ranch in Great Britain. 
 
 What has become of the old-fa.sh- 
 ioned women who used to marry Nat 
 Goodwin ? 
 
 Every woman knows that this would 
 be a fine world if other women were 
 only half as tactful and considerate as 
 she is. 
 
 Before they are married, he tells her 
 that he sleeps like a log. But later 
 she finds that he means a log going 
 througla a saw-mill. 
 
 In picking Biblical examples of pre- 
 paredness, don't forget Noah. 
 
 "Browning's lines fail to pass cen- 
 sor." Not even Pippa passes. 
 
 Poor little Servia might even be 
 referred to as the footbalkan State. 
 
 ♦— Ezekiel. 
 
 * — Batted for Wilson in the ninth. 
 
 With Italy reporting lack of food- 
 stuffs, that old saw may have to be 
 changed to "See Naples and diet." 
 
 We suppose Mrs. Leslie Cotton, who 
 has come over here from Paris to 
 paint still life, will proceed at once to 
 North Ca'lina. 
 
 The New York American says Eng- 
 land should respect our rights as much 
 as Austria and Germany do. Weil, 
 doesn't she? 
 
 Is von Jagow's silence golden or just 
 
 guilt? 
 
 « * « 
 
 The Allies seem to have come out of 
 
 the little end of the Horn. 
 
 * * « 
 
 Some men are born rich, and others 
 become personal attorneys for a New 
 Haven director. 
 
 Now that they have legislated pints 
 out of the hip-pockets, why can't they 
 do it with pistols? 
 
 A whole lot of epitaphs are monu- 
 mental liars. 
 
 How awful it must be to live in a 
 country like Germany where an edi- 
 tor can't call the ruler a coward, a 
 weakling and a friend of murderers 
 when he wants to. 
 
 Once upon a time a Dixie girl got 
 into the Yank newspapers who wasn't 
 a "member of a prominent and aris- 
 tocratic Southern family." 
 
 When you come to think of it, block- 
 ade does sound a good deal like block- 
 head. 
 
 Mr. Bryan is such a pacifist that it 
 is understood he won't even let The 
 Commoner's news editor kill a story. 
 
 "Couldn't lie on either side," goes an 
 advertising headline. The gentleman, 
 whoever he is, would make a bum poli- 
 tician. 
 
 The best piece of diplomacy the 
 Kaiser ever pulled off was when he 
 married his sister to Prince Constan- 
 tine of Greece, 
 
212 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Lewis and Speaker must be direct 
 
 descendants of those Hittites. 
 » » » 
 
 Servia needs succor, but Greece 
 
 steadfastly maintains that she's not 
 
 one. 
 
 Modern revision : 
 for defense !" 
 
 "Ninety millions 
 
 T. R. calls for "sound Americanism," 
 and it must be said that his brand is 
 sound — all sound. 
 
 It looks to be high time the British 
 were sending Lord Helpus to the 
 front. 
 
 Kaiser weeps for France again. 
 He's bent on getting into boo-hoos who. 
 
 Add Journalistic Goat-Getters : 
 "Carnival of crime." 
 "Baptism of fire." 
 "In no uncertain terms." 
 
 "The point we have made is not any 
 self-glorification." — New York Ameri- 
 can. Perish the thought ! Witness, for 
 example, these excerpts from the same 
 issue : 
 
 "Wagner Gives Credit to New York 
 American." 
 
 "Noted Men Praise New York Amer- 
 ican's Great Ship Victory." 
 
 "In every quarter credit was given to 
 the New York American ." 
 
 "It was considered that The Ameri- 
 can had scored a brilliant triumph." 
 
 Any idea that Bro. Hearst ever 
 makes a point for self-glorification is 
 manifestly ludicrous. Bro. Hearst is 
 the shrinking violet among the jour- 
 nalistic sunflowers. 
 
 The Biography of a Liner. 
 Passenger list. 
 Starboard list. 
 Survivor's list. 
 
 Add Journalistic Goat-Getters : 
 "Chilled to the marrow." 
 "Quiet wedding." 
 "Sturdy gridiron warriors." 
 
 "Ran roughshod over ." 
 
 "Teeth of the gale." 
 "Everything conspired to." 
 
 Why is it a girl will be tickled to 
 death when you tell her she is as 
 pretty as a picture and want to mas- 
 sage your cerebellum with a brick if 
 you tell her she is as pretty as a 
 painting? 
 
 Palmetto Revisions. 
 A book of verses underneath the bough, 
 A loaf of bread, a jug of ginger ale, 
 
 and thou 
 Beside me sitting in the wilderness — 
 Oh, wilderness were paradise enow ! 
 
 Good grape juice needs no bush. 
 
 Use a little coca-cola for thy stomach's 
 sake. 
 
 And buttermilk that maketh 
 heart of man. 
 
 ?lad the 
 
 Look not upon the Satanet when it is 
 pink. 
 
 For in my youth, I never did apply 
 Hot and rebellious limeade to my blood. 
 
 So all my days I'll sing the praise 
 Of brown October Hires' root beer. 
 
 We cordially thank the Tampa car- 
 nival officials who invite us down there 
 and promise, in just those words, to 
 treat us like royalty, but recent little 
 incidents in Belgium and Servia con- 
 vince us unalterably that we have not 
 the remotest desire to be treated like 
 royalty at this time. 
 
 For Preparedness. 
 Senator Gore 
 Ex-Governor Fort 
 Joseph G. Cannon 
 Walter Camp 
 James Montgomery Flagg. 
 
 Here lies what's left of Heinrich Haj, 
 
 Who was a friend of mine 
 'Ere the mutt strolled through Oyster 
 Bay 
 
 And sang, "Die Wacht am Rhein." 
 
 "I am indeed a wretched wight," 
 The cabbage groaning said. 
 
 "I must have had too much last night, 
 For I have such a head." 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 213 
 
 " 'A handbook for Husbands* is 
 listed among the current humorous 
 productions."- — Literary note. 
 "Handbook for Husbands !" Well, by 
 jing, 
 
 Its wit should be right merry. 
 How would it do to call the thing 
 
 A benedictionary? 
 
 How Sad! 
 The redskins used to own this land, 
 
 Its rivers, vales and peaks ; 
 But now, poor things, we understand 
 
 They only have the Creeks. 
 
 "I have seen three queens and two 
 kings," announces spiritualistic George 
 Anderson. So have we, Geo. And 
 what they did to our three jacks and 
 two nines is too melancholy to tell 
 here. 
 
 For villains such as Benny Bidds 
 We need some stringent laws : 
 
 He is the man who tells his kids 
 There is no Santa Glaus. 
 
 Biography of a Teuton Attache. 
 
 1. Unsafe conduct. 
 
 2. Safe conduct. 
 
 Suppose we had followed Germany's 
 Belgian example and burned Port au 
 Prince and killed the inhabitants when 
 two of our men were shot by snipers ! 
 
 The newspaper is supposed to be the 
 most complete and timely purveyor of 
 information, but we were never able to 
 see that it had anything on a summer 
 hotel sewing-circle. 
 
 "Villa Flees With 400."— Headline. 
 Won't Newport be shocked? 
 
 A critic says that "Damaged Goods" 
 calls a spade a spade. Also, it calls a 
 rake a rake. 
 
 It's literally correct to speak of a 
 Mexican military confab as a "general 
 
 assembly." 
 
 » * * 
 We presume that new seagoing "baby 
 submarine" is especially adapted for 
 squalls. 
 
 David Lloyd-George may be Welsh, 
 but in a crisis he never does. 
 
 If Russia dictates peace we certainly 
 pity the stenographers. 
 
 It's a table government Mexico needs 
 as badly as a stable one. 
 
 The time for words may have passed, 
 as T. R. asserts, but you can't make 
 the sisters believe it. 
 
 John Bull likes a roast, and we see 
 by the Southern exchanges that he's 
 getting it right along. 
 
 If the esteemed headline writers will 
 entertain a suggestion, couldn't valu- 
 able time and space be saved by writing 
 it "Germericans"? 
 
 Somebody asks the Indianapolis 
 News who wrote the poem entitled 
 "God Give Us Men." Our guess is that 
 it was some old maid. 
 
 Peace-at-any-price also passeth un- 
 derstanding. 
 
 Mr. Bryan's family tree must bear 
 olive branches. 
 
 Austrian seaplane has bombarded 
 Venice, but it is thought that all the 
 trolley cars escaped uninjured. 
 
 Austria has put a price of $4,000 on 
 d'Annunzio's head. Most poets can't 
 get a tithe of that for their feet. 
 
 Well, one German offensive is out of 
 business, the Fatherland having just 
 forbidden the export of limburger. 
 
 Nothing in this old vale of tears 
 comforts a fat woman more than see- 
 ing another woman who is fatter than 
 she is. 
 
 Every woman knows this would be 
 a Grand Old World if 6very other 
 woman were as tactful and thoughtful 
 as herself. 
 
 Epsom, we read, has been turned 
 into a vast hospital — for the salts, no 
 
 doubt. 
 
 * * * 
 
 That Austrian note is not above crit- 
 icism, but on the whole it is probably 
 one of the best Herr von Jagow ever 
 wrote. 
 
214 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Tiiiiid suggestion to the Kaiser : Why 
 not occasionally invoke the Almighty? 
 
 Georgia, we believe, is strongly 
 against the recall of judges, especially 
 Judge Lynch. 
 
 If he who runs may read, Russia 
 certainly needs no compulsory educa- 
 tion campaign. 
 
 Von Hindenburg may be a grim sol- 
 dier, but he certainly seems to have 
 taking ways. 
 
 Although Mexico may not have a 
 Moses, it isn't because of any lack of 
 
 bull rushes. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Anyway, Turkey warns Christendom 
 of impending massacres, which is more 
 that the apostles of kultur did to the 
 old women and babies in Scarborough, 
 Hartlepool, and Whitby. 
 
 It takes all kinds of mutts to make a 
 world, including the one who thinks he 
 can win in an argument with a woman. 
 
 Tom Watson appears to be Georgia's 
 him of hate. 
 
 The Ottoman isn't the only seat of 
 war. There's Sedan. 
 
 We remind the farmers that nobody 
 can penalize them for holding. 
 
 Americans are tolerably neutral, but 
 Edison, Wright, Lake and Ford con- 
 stitute a quadruple entente we can all 
 back. 
 
 Moses called Canaan the Land of 
 Promise. But he never knew anything 
 about Germany. 
 
 The poets call married life a grand, 
 sweet song, and every married man 
 knows it's a solo. 
 
 The Ford paraphrase: '"Tis better 
 to have doved and lost than never to 
 have doved at all." 
 
 War yarns naturally deal with the 
 worsted. 
 
 AVe never look a gift White Horse 
 in the mouth. 
 
 When money talks, nobody cares 
 what kind of grammar it uses. 
 
 But oh, for the taste of a vanished fizz, 
 And the clink of the glass that is still ! 
 
 Mr. Wilson is pushing preparedness, 
 but he seems to count more on his pull. 
 
 Some men are born fools, and others 
 try to sell toilet articles in poor old 
 Mexico. 
 
 Germany hasn't all the kultur. Most 
 of the Greeks we know are men of 
 polish. 
 
 Things We Dream About. 
 
 Finding $100,000. 
 
 Being left a huge fortune by a 
 wealthy old relative. 
 
 Hugging B*ll* B*r*e. 
 
 Being drafted by Bro. Hearst at a 
 salary of $75,000 a year. 
 
 Enlisting with the Allies and win- 
 ning a Victoria Cross. 
 
 Marrying a beautiful heiress. 
 
 Being sent a crate of imported 
 Scotch. 
 
 Buying a luxurious twin-six. 
 
 Dismissal of all those Annapolis 
 fourth-classmen certainly is rough on 
 
 rats. 
 
 « « • 
 Add current humor : "I'm gonna quit 
 at 12 o'clock POSITIVELY, win or 
 
 lose." 
 
 » » " 
 The Psalmist said in his haste that 
 all men are income-tax returners. 
 
 There's no true neutrality anywhere. 
 Even the eclipse was partial. 
 
 All the tom cats we know seem to 
 have been born into the Mormon faith. 
 
 What has become of the old-fash- 
 ioned kid who was glad he wasn't a 
 girl because the girls wore so many 
 clothes. 
 
 England's decision to let Germany's 
 peroxide exports pass ought to be good 
 news to the bleachers. 
 
 "The Winning of the West," Vol. II, 
 by Woodrow Wilson. Preparedness 
 Edition. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 215 
 
 Sometimes we sit and wonder in our 
 idle way if tliere is a woman anywhere 
 you can toucli without a hidden pin 
 ramming a couple of inches into your 
 
 poor old finger. 
 
 * * » 
 
 Mme. Yvette Guilbert finds the new 
 generation of Americans "shorter in 
 the legs." Funny, after the way the 
 women pull 'em. 
 
 The Kinston News says the nature 
 fakers are trying to make Turkey the 
 goat. Well, anyway, they couldn't 
 make Turkey quail. 
 
 Probably the quickest way to get in 
 good with a woman is to praise her 
 looks. And the next quickest is to 
 praise her cooking. 
 
 Most of our Southern exchanges 
 seem to favor that proposed non-par- 
 tisan tariff board on condition that 
 they are all good Democrats. 
 
 Practically all the civilized world 
 and Germany having recognized Car- 
 ranza, it's Mexico's turn. 
 
 "What Will Wilson Talk About?" 
 demands the Knoxville Journal and 
 Tribune. Probably about forty-five 
 minutes. If it were our contem- 
 porary's friend, Theodore, he would 
 talk about two hours and forty-five 
 minutes. 
 
 By the way, what has become of the 
 old-fashioned Kipling who used to 
 write sarcastic poems about Russia? 
 
 Penrose says the Democrats have 
 betrayed the country. We'll concede 
 that Penrose was always true to his 
 trust. 
 
 The New York police have censored 
 a performance of the Russian ballet in 
 which the Sultan returns unexpectedly 
 to find the ladies of the harem sport- 
 ing with the slaves and has the whole 
 outfit executed on the spot. We sup- 
 pose the idea of these intellectual 
 giants is that the Sultan should have 
 ordered tea and toast for the company 
 and gone around delightedly embracing 
 the slaves. 
 
 Qermania. 
 
 A great War Goddess, ringed around 
 with foes. 
 
 Rent, throat and bosom, the crimson 
 welling through 
 
 Her burnished armor from half a hun- 
 dred wounds, 
 
 Yet still upstanding, grim, indomitable. 
 
 As her swift brand makes play like 
 levin's stroke 
 
 Among the encircling pack. Unmer- 
 ciful, 
 
 And cruel, aye, and doer of vile deeds 
 
 That time shall link with Herod's and 
 the Hun's; 
 
 But yet the picture draws, for such is 
 nature 
 
 That men may not withhold reluctant 
 praise 
 
 From even the criminal brought to 
 bay by force 
 
 Of greater power, who unsurrendering 
 stands 
 
 And strikes, not craving quarter, to 
 the end. 
 
 1776: "We shall fight until the last 
 drop of blood." 
 
 1915: "We shall write until the last 
 drop of ink." 
 
 « « « 
 
 How About It, Fitz? 
 The drama we hate and grand opry 
 
 disdain ; 
 The movies impress us as dull and 
 
 inane. 
 While musical comedy gives us a pain. 
 There's just one ambition our hope 
 
 doth sustain : 
 To see Billie Burke in pajamas again. 
 
 The German governor-general of 
 Belgium's reported statement that he 
 can not understand Belgian hatred of 
 Germany reminds us of that thrilling 
 melodrama, "Nellie, the Beautiful 
 Cloak Model." In the first act the vil- 
 lain pushes Nellie off the Brooklyn 
 bridge; later he throws her overboard 
 from an Atlantic liner, and finally 
 thrusts her under a descending ele- 
 vator. The next time they meet he 
 anxiou.sly inquires: "Nellie, why do 
 you fear me?" 
 
216 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 The Austrians in the Bessarabian 
 theatre claim to have driven General 
 Ivanoff. 
 
 Things Never Seen or Heard. 
 
 "No, madam, I'm afraid this candy 
 is not very fresh. In fact, we've had 
 it in stock for about ten years." 
 
 "The enemy attacked all along the 
 line yesterday, driving our troops back 
 with great loss. Unless our chicken- 
 livered so-called soldiers learn to hit 
 the broad side of a barn, and our so- 
 called generals use their heads instead 
 of their legs, we are goners." 
 
 "I'd cheerfully accept your invita- 
 tion, old man, but they say you have 
 a rotten cook." 
 
 "I'm concerned with the money, not 
 the principle of the thing." 
 
 "I hereby announce my candidacy 
 
 for the office of , as it looks as 
 
 if not a durned friend is going to urge 
 me to do it." 
 
 "So that's a snapshot of your girl, 
 eh? What a fright!" 
 
 "John and I really don't love you, 
 Uncle Gotrox. We are out after some 
 of your coin, you old skinflint, you." 
 
 "These goods now $1.98 ; worth pos- 
 sibly $1.25." 
 
 A woman always knows that the 
 children got all their good qualities 
 from her. And she knows that all 
 their cussedness was inherited from 
 Father. 
 
 The grand old State 
 
 Is filled with woe; 
 We're headed straight 
 
 For H20. 
 
 Messrs. George and Sid Beery, fined 
 at Colorado Springs for drunkenness, 
 give the well-known Bard of Avon's 
 observation another jolt in the solar 
 plexus. 
 
 If there is really a Shipping Trust, 
 no wonder the monej'-worshipping New 
 York Sun is for it. The Sun would 
 rather kiss Rockefeller's big toe than 
 Billie Burke, any day in the week. 
 
 The American nation or the hyphen- 
 ation? 
 
 "Allies buying war shoes here," goes 
 a headline. Wai" shoes, we i)resume, 
 are spats. 
 
 Those insurgent Senators in their 
 blindness still refuse to bow down to 
 Woody and Stone. 
 
 Sir Stanley Buckmaster is England's 
 official censor and poet Watson its 
 official incenser. 
 
 * * * 
 
 It's easy to propose to bottle up 
 England, but all the Kaiser's corks 
 seem to be too small. 
 
 Victorien Sardou beat the German 
 Chancellor to it. It develops that his 
 play, "Les Pattes de Mouche," (angli- 
 cized as "A Scrap of Paper"), was 
 produced in 1860. 
 
 As Senator Lodge was not very con- 
 spicuous when Tennyson wrote the 
 line, "Icily regular, faultily faultless, 
 splendidly null," he must have been 
 describing somebody else. 
 
 Pull for America or pull out ! 
 
 A neutral is also known by the com- 
 pany he avoids. 
 
 Rockefeller's testimony was natur- 
 ally illuminating. 
 
 "If Roosevelt gets the United States 
 to oppose Germany's presence in Bel- 
 gium," begins the New York Herald. 
 That editor really ought to change his 
 brand. 
 
 If New York could tell all it knows, 
 many an eminently respectable (at 
 home) Dixie citizen would be hunting 
 a nice, large cave. 
 
 Neutrality is also paved with good 
 intentions. 
 
 "Kisses at Five Cents Per." 
 jitney buss, eh? 
 
 Sort of 
 
 Poor old Turkey's fruits of victory 
 appear to be lemons. 
 
 If they would get jobs instead of 
 waiting to accept positions, some of 
 the army of the unemployed wouldn't 
 be that way. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 217 
 
 In the war zone it's a long flank 
 that knows no turning. 
 
 German Admiralty's slogan now 
 seems to be, "Deutschland unter alles." 
 
 Russia can't drown its sorrows any 
 more, but the lucky Crescent can still 
 get full. 
 
 Russia claims a big victory in East 
 Prussia, but von Hiudenburg is from 
 Mazuria. 
 
 Putting the knell in the Dardanelles 
 seems to be a tough proposition. 
 
 Revised returns indicate that Sena- 
 tor Penrose was reelected by a plural- 
 ity of $1,000,000. 
 
 There is no suggestion of Hungarian 
 rhapsodies about the Buda-Pest reports 
 these days. 
 
 John Bull's reply is most friendly 
 and conciliatory, and concedes every- 
 thing we didn't ask for. 
 
 "We see by the papers that Sir Ed- 
 ward Grey has delivered another 
 knight attack. 
 
 President Wilson couldn't disap- 
 prove of that British reply any more 
 strongly if Earl Grey had split an in- 
 finitive. 
 
 If those Constantinople reports of 
 the fighting in Persia are credible, the 
 Turks have certainly put the ran in 
 Teheran. 
 
 One hears a good deal of talk in 
 connection with Japan and the Pana- 
 ma canal. The idea is that unless we 
 strip for the fray we may have to fray 
 for the strip. 
 
 An honest man's the noblest work 
 of God, but a pretty girl is a very 
 close second. 
 
 The key to success in war evidently 
 is a skeleton key. 
 
 Shanks' mare is a slow and dodder- 
 ing vehicle, but it's rarely that she is 
 troubled with a puncture. 
 
 A lot of those pork-barrel "rivers" 
 might be classed as current fiction. 
 
 A man who is as honest as the day 
 is long often needs watching at night. 
 
 Tempora mutantur et nos matamur 
 in illos, as the poet so lucidly and feel- 
 ingly put it, and now here's the De- 
 troit Free Press on its hind legs de- 
 nouncing furiously any encroachment 
 on the God-given principle of States' 
 Rights. 
 
 Lord Derby, just made England's 
 recruiting head, is working like a 
 
 beaver — he's no slouch. 
 
 * * * 
 
 If the Allies can't put the Germans 
 off French soil, they seem able at least 
 to put some in it. 
 
 Not the least of war's ironies is the 
 spectacle of a Turkish general deco- 
 rated with a Christian cross. 
 
 The New York Sun refers to the 
 "martial difficulties" of a couple figur- 
 ing in a divorce suit, and, come to think 
 of it, it wasn't such a bad error, after 
 all. 
 
 This report of disaffection among the 
 Finns certainly looks fishy. 
 
 This weather surely gets your goat 
 
 when Moses has your overcoat. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Wall Street's revision: Be sure you 
 can underwrite, then go ahead. 
 
 Having failed to land Greece, the 
 Allies must be contented to land in it. 
 
 United, we stand ; three sheets in the 
 wind we fall. 
 
 Here is an advertisement from the 
 New York Law Journal that may strike 
 a few sympathetic chords on Washing- 
 ton street: "Lawyer, one year's expe- 
 rience, desires change." 
 
 Not the least of war's minor joys for 
 Mrs. Hohenzollern must be reading in 
 the Turkish papers that her imperial 
 spouse has come out flat-footed for 
 Mohammed and is now maintaining an 
 extensive harem. 
 
218 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Seems paradoxical that Armenia 
 should be a live issue when it's a 
 grave issue. 
 
 Probably the most useless thing in 
 Mexico is a scabbard. 
 
 Mr. Bryan, however, will remain 
 secretary of statement. 
 
 "Can a woman keep a secret?" asks 
 an exchange. Yep ; going. 
 
 These "isles of safety" we read of 
 in the municipal journals evidently 
 aren't the British ones. 
 
 Mr. Bryan still seems to be secretary 
 of statements. 
 
 A whole lot of self-made men cer- 
 tainly are bum architects. 
 
 Now that it has voted for a suffrage 
 referendum, the State ought to change 
 its name to Missychusetts. 
 
 The Sei-vian gentleman who named 
 that river the Save was no mean hu- 
 morist himself. 
 
 Speaking of the eternal fitness of 
 things, England's newest warship is 
 H. M. S. Broke. 
 
 There are all sorts and conditions of 
 darkeys. But you never saw one who 
 wouldn't walk 10 miles to a funeral. 
 
 It's different in baseball. But the 
 men don't care anything about a girl's 
 control, if she has plenty of curves. 
 
 It is a fine thing for a nation to as- 
 sert its rights, but it's still finer to be 
 in a position to back 'em up. 
 
 The man of the hour in Mexico usu- 
 ally lasts about five minutes. 
 
 "What is Wilson up to?" asks an 
 exchange. Snuff. 
 
 J. P. Morgan's pastor was present 
 when the appendicitis operation took 
 place. Can it be that the good man 
 was opened with prayer? 
 
 Just now most of us are less con- 
 cerned with Russia's Bug than Ger- 
 many's humbug. 
 
 Well, if we can't get on with Ger- 
 many, we'll simply have to show her 
 where she gets off. 
 
 A judge has ruled North Carolina's 
 liquor-shipping law invalid, but there's 
 nothing sick about the one we have. 
 
 Peace-at-any-price looks more than 
 ever like 30 cents. 
 
 That cotton blockade meets our no- 
 tion of a British offensive. 
 
 It is understood that Count Zeppe- 
 lin's 7Sth birthday was very quietly 
 observed in London. 
 
 Never mix your metaphors or your 
 
 drinks. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A few more Broadway slides, and 
 we'll have to begin calling it the Bur- 
 row of Manhattan. 
 
 All things don't seem to come to him 
 
 who watches and waits. 
 
 * * * 
 
 The unemployment problem doesn't 
 
 affect idle rumor. 
 
 * * * 
 
 We Will Notv Have a Little Music. 
 A soldier who fought near Ypres 
 Was struck as he started to flee; 
 
 He hopped about crying, 
 
 "Oh, Lordy ! I'm dying !" 
 But he'd only been hit in the knee. 
 
 A German whose name was von 
 
 Mulcher 
 Had a nose that was hooked like a 
 vulture — 
 He was ugly as sin 
 And addicted to gin, 
 But the man was just chock full of 
 kultur. 
 
 A Belgian who lived in Malines 
 Saw a big shell approach that looked 
 mines. 
 
 So he made for a wood 
 
 Just as hard as he could. 
 And since then he hasn't been seen. 
 
 A great British dreadnought named 
 Terror 
 
 Went too far to sea through an error; 
 But a submarine bold 
 Crept right under her hold. 
 
 And now the Dutch no longer fear 'er. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 219 
 
 "The carnation Is the flower of the 
 mothers of the country, but what's the 
 fathers'?" 
 
 "Why, of course, it's the poppy." 
 — Baltimore American. 
 
 And by the same token, that of the 
 bad little boys is the lady-slipper. 
 
 There wouldn't be nearly so much 
 prohibition sentiment in this country 
 if drunk men didn't feel that the fate 
 of the nation depended on their render- 
 ing a solo at once. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A Detroit paper says that rubbing 
 with unsalted butter, followed by 
 bleaching in the sun, will cleanse ivory, 
 so if ex-Governor Colquitt of Texas is 
 ever in need of an efficient scalp 
 cleanser, he'll know just what to do. 
 
 Somebody wants to know a good 
 cure for the blues. Our information is 
 that a quartette of aces when you hold 
 an equal number of kings, will speedily 
 relieve you of the blues, to say nothing 
 of a very healthy sprinkling of the 
 reds. 
 
 &ome Things One Never Sees. 
 
 "Berlin — The enemy put it all over 
 us yesterday, routing our troops com- 
 pletely." 
 
 "Petrograd — We retired from 
 Scwzctszasczcz in great disorder with 
 enormous losses." 
 
 "Paris — It is understood that the 
 Cabinet is ready to sue for peace." 
 
 "London — It is now apparent that 
 the Dardanelles cannot be forced, and 
 our fleet in those waters will return 
 at once to the North Sea." 
 
 "I inexpressibly regret Mr. Bryan's 
 resignation — Champ Clark." 
 
 "I expect to stump the nation for 
 Woodrow Wilson in 1916 — Theodore 
 Roosevelt." 
 
 "Billy Sunday Sets 'Em Up All 
 Around." 
 
 "I've decided that I don't need any 
 new gowns for a year — Anywife." 
 
 "* — Batted for Cobb in the ninth." 
 
 Now that Czar Nick's 
 Got down to work. 
 
 It looks bad for 
 The heathen Turk. 
 
 "Following her appeal on behalf of 
 the 'war babies,' " says the Milwaukee 
 Leader, "Mrs. Pankhurst launched into 
 a severe criticism of the English 
 women who have failed to do their part 
 in the war;" but we don't suppose the 
 esteemed Leader meant it just that 
 way. 
 
 After a man has tried to mow 
 through a three days' beard with a 
 dull blade, he wonders what idiot in- 
 vented the phrase, "Safety first." 
 
 The War Between the States has 
 been over 50 years, and possibly in the 
 course of the next 50 years the Boston 
 Transcript will hear of it. 
 
 Just listen to our warning, bo — 
 
 And this is not no fun ; 
 You can't expect to keep your dough 
 
 When you have got a bun. 
 
 The Servians are not only doughty 
 fighters, but they are mighty poor 
 liars. A Servian retreat is always 
 called a retreat, and there isn't a word 
 about "luring 'em on," "strategic pur- 
 poses," or even "a process of readjust- 
 ing our lines." 
 
 "There is going to be something 
 doing for women a hundred years 
 hence," says the Rev. Dr. Cadman. 
 These ecclesiastical terms are a bit 
 puzzling, but we think we get the idea. 
 
 Brief hiography of a President. 
 Mex. 
 Ex. 
 Exit. 
 
 The Turkish colors are red and 
 white, though black and blue would 
 seem to be much more appropriate. 
 
 If the Sultan is as shrewd as he's 
 said to be, he'd better hurry and put 
 his throne in one of his wives' name. 
 
 He jests at scars that never stopped 
 a dum-dum. 
 
 One thing we like about poet A. 
 Noyes is that he rarely does. 
 
 The victory in Iceland will warm the 
 cockles of the prohibition heart. 
 
220 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 Somehow we imagine that if spirits 
 return from the Great Unknown, 
 George Washington has his hand on 
 Woodrow Wilson's shoulder. 
 
 And, of course, when Mr. Taft said 
 that he was glad there is no jingo in 
 the White House, at this time, he 
 wasn't thinking of any gentleman in 
 particular. 
 
 There are tides in the affairs of a 
 Democratic paragrapher, when, no 
 matter how loyal and partisan he is, 
 he would love to be a Republican par- 
 agrapher for a day or two. 
 
 Still, we don't suppose the surgeon 
 writing from the front that "We are 
 sparing no pains" intended it just ex- 
 actly that way. 
 
 It must have made some of the dear 
 old maids gnash their teeth when they 
 read that headline, "800,000 Men En- 
 gaged." 
 
 When a drunk man can't think up 
 anything to cry over, it's a good sign 
 that he hasn't been at the drinking 
 business very long. 
 
 A French critic says that the Presi- 
 dent's note "might have been penned 
 by Richelieu himself." And that, from 
 France, is the ne plus ultra of praise. 
 
 We understand that the President 
 has decided to abolish his Cabinet and 
 subscribe for the New York Herald 
 and the Boston Transcript. 
 
 Obviously, Mr. Bryan's hope is to 
 make the dogs of war setters. 
 
 As for man's days, they are as a 
 Provisional President of Mexico. 
 
 It's an easy guess which side the 
 Mexican barbers are pulling for. 
 
 Bryan evidently prefers to leave 
 peace prints on the sands of time. 
 
 If Tennyson were living today, it's 
 a safe bet he'd change his mind about 
 fifty years of Europe being worth a 
 cycle of Cathay. 
 
 Mr. Gatling is to be Raleigh's new 
 postmaster, and we suppose the poor 
 old G. O. P. employees will find that 
 he is a rapid firer. 
 
 We are willing to trust a dear old 
 Columbia prohibitionist anywhere ex- 
 cept in New York. 
 
 If you can't get your advice taken 
 any other way, try engraving it on 
 your umbrella handle. 
 
 If it is true that after marriage hus- 
 band and wife grow to look like each 
 other, the future Mrs. Irvin Cobb has 
 our tenderest sympathies. 
 
 "We are morally and intellectually 
 superior to all ; without peers," writes 
 a Berlin professor. Shrinking violet ! 
 
 With all the German coloring matter 
 cut off, it's easy to understand those 
 elderly Frenchmen's undyeing hate. 
 
 Mr. Bryan, we take it, is going back 
 to the prints of peace. 
 
 Fortunately, Uncle Sam's White 
 Book isn't a scrapbook. 
 
 We know one kind of tented field 
 Mr. Bryan isn't so averse to. 
 
 The only way you can "persuade" a 
 bully is with a pair of fists. 
 
 A rounder is rarely on the square. 
 
 Even the best stenographer has her 
 bad spells. 
 
 "Bad men generally get theirs," ob- 
 serves the Ocala Star. Yep, but the 
 trouble is that they generally get ours 
 first. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Massachusetts appreciates the Presi- 
 dent's reference to "a state of mind," 
 it being one itself. 
 
 Woman is supposed to be the weaker 
 vessel, but our observation has been 
 that man is broke much more often. 
 
 Yale has banned all intoxicating 
 beverages at commencements, but it is 
 understood that this does not apply to 
 those hops. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 221 
 
 It's a mighty rare day in the Cau- 
 casus that Turkey doesn't get a bast- 
 ing. 
 
 Tip to the Germans: Dr. Frank 
 Knowles says the sun is harmful to 
 blondes. 
 
 Mr. Bryan is one editor who knows 
 how to make news as well as com- 
 ment on it. 
 
 We didn't raise our pup to be a 
 sausage. 
 
 Probably the first thiag the average 
 small boy wants is a knife, and the 
 second is to catch the measles. 
 
 What has become of the old-fash- 
 ioned family that used to keep those 
 wax flowers in a glass case on the 
 sitting-room mantelpiece? 
 
 Though it sounds like a paradox 
 In this thought there's a kick ; 
 
 Whene'er a fellow has the rocks 
 His friends think he's a brick. 
 
 The worm has turned. A Missouri 
 editor is suing a politician for libel. 
 
 If there is aught in a name, More- 
 head City is no vacation place for a 
 gentleman who likes his licker. 
 
 The cream of Russia's army cer- 
 tainly seems to be of the whipped 
 variety. 
 
 Fittingly enough, Herr Jagow lives 
 on a Spree. 
 
 After Europe's settling down will 
 
 come the settling up. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A king at the front is worth two on 
 the throne. 
 
 A man is also known by the com- 
 pany he dodges. 
 
 The Vaticant. 
 
 "Russians here to buy cotton." Step 
 this way, sir ! 
 
 Revised motto for the thoughtful 
 consideration of the hyphens: "Be 
 American First." 
 
 This war seems to have done some- 
 thing to the South that even Theodore 
 Roosevelt couldn't do. 
 
 Many a man who never saw the 
 ocean is a wonderful sponger. 
 
 It is a wise graduate who takes a 
 job, instead of accepting a position. 
 
 The heathen can't be blamed for 
 failure to discern anything civil in 
 civilization. 
 
 Japan has prohibited the issuing of 
 newspaper extras when there is no 
 really important news. What a funny, 
 semi-civilized country that is ! 
 
 A fool and his honey are soon parted. 
 
 And now the fighting is said to have 
 reached the site of the Garden of 
 
 Eden. Great snakes ! 
 
 * » » 
 
 Diamonds are trumps in the game 
 of hearts. 
 
 Herr Krupp gets an Iron Cross. 
 Great Guns ! 
 
 It seems paradoxical, but a blunt 
 man usually comes to the point. 
 
 The same old mud, the same old 
 rain, the same old cuss words said 
 again. 
 
 It is natural to assume that after the 
 Germans wash the Russ captives they 
 iron 'em. 
 
 The Cologne Gazette calls Roosevelt 
 a dreamer. Many other people con- 
 sider him a nightmare. 
 
 An exchange notes that wooden legs 
 are fine anti-war arguments. Yep ; 
 regular stump speeches. 
 
 A facetious exchange says that last 
 year Italy made "a Victor record." 
 Doubled-faced at that, Germany thinks. 
 
 However, it was John Paul Jones 
 who began the fashion of hoisting the 
 American flag over British ships. 
 
 "American Sailors Ordered Not to 
 Talk." Hobson left the service just in 
 time. 
 
222 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 It's a funny language. When a bill 
 collector finds a fellow in, he's out, 
 and when he's out, he's in. 
 
 There is a man in our town 
 
 Who surely foolish is ; 
 He never planks some dollars down 
 
 To advertise his biz. 
 
 With all the European peers at the 
 front, it looks dark for countless thou- 
 sands of our rich heiresses. 
 
 What is your notion of a juicy sine- 
 cure? Our own, next to this here job, 
 is being a street-cleaner in Venice. 
 
 The old weather guy is a mean man 
 and sly, 
 And he loveth to make our name 
 Dennis ; 
 Why does he deceive us and peeve us 
 and grieve us 
 Whenever we want to play tennis? 
 
 Every man to his taste, of course, 
 but we certainly can't understand that 
 of H. Rider Haggard's latest hero, who 
 gloomily announces : "I took her in 
 my arms and kissed her back." 
 
 Some lady asks the Chicago Tribune's 
 
 fount of information what are the best 
 
 calling cards. We have no business 
 
 butting in, sister, but our observation 
 
 has been that threes are usually pretty 
 
 good. 
 
 « * * 
 
 According to the Century Opera 
 Magazine, "Efram Zimbalist, the 
 brand new husband of Alma Gluck, 
 and who will be solo violinist with 
 Walter Damrosch and the New York 
 Symphony orchestra on its first tour, 
 shares these honors with Paul Alt- 
 house, the Metropolitan tenor." Some- 
 body blundered ! 
 
 "Nothing is certain but death and 
 taxes," is the old saw. Well, some- 
 thing else is tolerably certain now. 
 And that is that if one European 
 power demonstrates its ability to de- 
 feat practically all the remainder of 
 embattled Europe, or even fight it to a 
 draw, your Uncle Samuel's turn will 
 come sooner or later. 
 
 What has become of the old-fash- 
 ioned New York World editor who used 
 to remark loudly at frequent intervals : 
 "Murphy must go!"? 
 
 The Philadelphia North American 
 says that all the Russians can beat is 
 a retreat. Well, anyway, they've 
 proved that they can lick the dust. 
 
 "Divided we fall," also goes for the 
 
 hyphen. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 Pan-Slavism begins to look like a 
 frying-pan. 
 
 As we understand our prominent 
 metropolitan exchanges, we must have 
 reparation from Germany when our 
 citizens are drowned, but it is a sin 
 and a shame for Colombia timidly to 
 ask reparation when we steal her ter- 
 ritory. 
 
 « « « 
 
 T. R. explains that the moose he 
 shot was about to bite him, so the 
 animal really died the more humane 
 death. 
 
 We suppose that in the Western 
 theatre those Hindu troops furnish the 
 castes. 
 
 A scientist says that newspapers will 
 make one warm, but T. R. found that 
 out years ago. 
 
 That anti-treating law in Britain 
 doesn't seem to prevent Wilhelm's get- 
 ting 'em groggy. 
 
 Speaking of untold wealth, the in- 
 come tax returns certainly reveal a 
 lot of it. 
 
 A non-partisan tariff board theory 
 always has an earnest friend in the 
 minority. 
 
 China doesn't mind washing her 
 dirty linen in public, but she prefers 
 to let Europe do the mangling. 
 
 Cap'n Hobson's revision : The evil 
 that men brew lives after them. 
 
 Meat must be really scarce in Ger- 
 many. We note that the Hamburg 
 stakes were valued at $31,250. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 223 
 
 Nobody can truthfully call Billy 
 Sunday a dim religious light. 
 
 A Chicago society dame is grieving 
 over the death of a pet baboon. It 
 must indeed have been a monkey 
 
 wrench. 
 
 « » « 
 
 The German idea of "retaliation" 
 apparently is committing the atrocity 
 
 first. 
 
 * * ♦ 
 
 "Get together with Carranza?" 
 quoth Pancho. "I'll be hanged if I 
 do!" 
 
 Mrs. Pankhurst wants to make am- 
 munition. She evidently thinks wo- 
 man's sphere is the bomb. 
 
 But wouldn't the eternal fitness of 
 things have suggested that the Rem- 
 ington strike be automatic? 
 
 Those earth tremors recorded at 
 New Haven, Conn., strongly indicate 
 that Prof. Taft is home again. 
 
 Wonder if that Remington strike 
 doesn't bear one of those "Made-in- 
 Germany" labels. 
 
 What we are concerned in is not 
 which Republican T. R. will back, but 
 which one he'll buck. 
 
 Latest entry in the mixtmet contest. 
 The immortal Philadelphia Inquirer 
 has the floor : "Every time the Ger- 
 mans make any progress against Rus- 
 sia, the Austrian army puts its finger 
 in the pie and spoils the broth." 
 
 The Chattanooga Times says you 
 can't vaccinate against the itch for 
 office. Scratching the candidate, how- 
 ever, is regarded as an infallible rem- 
 edy. 
 
 We can condone faults in almost any 
 man. But the man who isn't good to 
 
 his mother ought to be hung. 
 
 * * *" 
 
 First thing we know some enthusi- 
 astic Wilson man will be dubbing the 
 U. S. A. the Grandfatherland. 
 
 Little Holland couldn't be prepared 
 for war any more thoroughly if Ger- 
 many had guaranteed her neutrality. 
 
 Most of the German-American pa- 
 pers have several issues daily. They 
 can't get everything in the first sedi- 
 tion. 
 
 The thing that bores most war news 
 readers is that so few of these checks 
 are certified. 
 
 Admiral von Tirpitz has a perfect 
 right to feel aggrieved over the way 
 those gentle Kurds have appropriated 
 his "women-and-children-first" slogan. 
 
 We have our irritable moments when 
 we feel like holding the paragrapher 
 of the once-esteemed Koelnische Zei- 
 tung to a strict accountability. 
 
 The York News wonders who put the 
 ill in Churchill. As we understand it, 
 it was the same mustacheoed gentle- 
 man who took the win out of Winston. 
 
 # * * 
 
 That Japanese Diet never seems to 
 agree with us. 
 
 Reports from the Save and the Dan- 
 ube reveal that New York has no 
 
 monopoly of those riverside drives. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Necessity may be the mother of in- 
 vention, but that Petrograd man is its 
 pa. 
 
 What's the first name of this Herr 
 Flamm, who says the British sank the 
 Lusitania — Flimm ? 
 
 "Grand Duke to Fire Warsaw." 
 Many think that it would pay Warsaw 
 to fire the grand duke. 
 
 Why doesn't the Senate try some of 
 that "Senatorial courtesy" on Wood- 
 row Wilson? 
 
 And if you get dry on the water- 
 wagon, remember that there are springs 
 in it. 
 
 Journalistic Goat-getters. 
 "Winsome debutante." 
 "Devastating conflagration." 
 "Grim-visaged war." 
 "Eminent divine." 
 "Conventional black." 
 
224 
 
 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 
 
 When a woman isn't hearing burg- 
 lars in the dining room, slie is always 
 smelling something burning. 
 
 "Here's Sow !" chuckled the pork- 
 bar'l Congressman, as the public build- 
 ings bill came up for debate. 
 
 Life's Little Mysteries. 
 Chinese laundry tickets. 
 Doctor's prescriptions. 
 Railway time tables. 
 Henry James's novels. 
 Browning. 
 
 We suppose that when found the 
 leopard which escaped from that circus 
 in Illinois will be shot on the spot. 
 
 Austrian government signs itself "I, 
 and R." Perkins wants to make it 
 possible for this government to sign 
 itself "I and T. R." 
 
 Englishmen are being driven to 
 marry to avoid conscription, and every 
 day sees hundreds of new brides and 
 glooms. 
 
TRIBUTES FROM COWORKERS 
 
 His worK as a parag'rapher "superb and sole." and in all his 
 
 successes one would find no touch, of malice, 
 
 no g'erm of meanness. 
 
 W. W. BalLj Managing Editor, The 
 State : Here in the office of The State 
 we knew a manly, gentle youth so quiet, 
 so modest, so thoughtful of others, so 
 careful lest he add a feather to a fellow- 
 worker's burden, that the years stole upon 
 him and raised him to be a man while we 
 looked upon him, and always shall remem- 
 ber him, as a lad. When the menace of war 
 in Mexico appeared, he came to us and 
 said that he would go as a soldier and it 
 was with a little shock that we saw him 
 full grown and resolute, eager to do a 
 man's work, sensible of its responsibilties 
 and burdens, sure of his duty, mindful, 
 not speaking, of the obligations that rested 
 upon him for the name he bore. To us he 
 had always been a boy, considerate, defer- 
 ential as though the youngest reporter. 
 
 You, the readers of The State, knew that 
 other side of him, that we knew, too, in 
 the column that he wrote, that brought 
 to him, the shyest of all the brotherhood 
 of newspaper workers, fame and that gave 
 to his newspaper, printed in a little capital 
 city of a remote State, distinction wher- 
 ever in the United States newspapers are 
 printed and read. You knew the piquant 
 wit, the never failing drollery shot with 
 a flavor of shrewdness and experience. We 
 have wondered, because he was a home-lov- 
 ing boy, not an experienced man of the 
 world, where it came from, this balanced 
 judgment that guarded his brilliant epi- 
 grams, that made it scarcely ever neces- 
 sary to revise or leave out lest some hurt 
 be done, some blunder be made. For of 
 all things the paragraph is dangerous, and 
 the more clever the more dangerous, unless 
 it be written with prudent restraint. His 
 brilliancy could be trusted and we write 
 It down that it was because his heart was 
 loving. He wrote to make men merrier 
 and better, too, and hate had no home in 
 his nature. He has left no legacy of ran- 
 cor towards his fellows. You, his readers, 
 were his friends, he was nearer in some 
 sense to you than to any of us ; you have 
 sat about his table in thousands and 
 laughed with him — and when men laugh 
 together they are friends. 
 
 We do not attempt to appraise his work. 
 No other newspaper published in so small 
 a city as Columbia has in a long time had 
 among its makers a writer so widely quoted 
 and in the wisdom that ran through his 
 jest and raillery was the abundant promise 
 
 of more serious editorial work as he grew 
 older. 
 
 Almost with impatience we of The State 
 had looked forward to his coming home ; 
 we have fretted that his country claimed 
 him even for a time. So we valued him. 
 Well we know that his place can not be 
 filled ; now that we have his life only as a 
 dear memory of joyous and gentle things. 
 It has been our privilege to have him for 
 a little while to love and to admire. He 
 goes to take his place with others of the 
 family of The State "who have done their 
 work, and held their peace, and had no fear 
 to die." 
 
 McDavid Horton : The world knew him 
 by "The State's Survey" and the "After- 
 math" columns, and though the editorial 
 paragraph was under his hands not ex- 
 clusively a matter of "quips and cranks 
 and wanton wiles," of "the queer, the quaint 
 and the quizzical," but an instrument of 
 unique potency for serious purpose on oc- 
 casion, it was only those of us privileged 
 to be his coworkers and comrades who 
 were aware how mature was already his 
 judgment, how broad were his perceptions 
 in national concerns, how extensive was his 
 Information, or with what sober respon- 
 sibility 'he daily prepared himself con- 
 sciously against the time when The State 
 should be his to administer. * * * We of 
 the staff have repeatedly remarked, in our 
 after-press time communings, his grave, 
 sweet courtesy, his delicate consideration of 
 those about him, his diffident but engaging 
 and altogether charming friendliness. He 
 was a thoroughgoing and incorrigible demo- 
 crat, catholic and kindly, wholly unmind- 
 ful of station or circumstances in his elec- 
 tion of companions, but regardful only of 
 actual worth. * • • I can not as yet bear 
 to plumb the grief that fills my heart 
 and so I will not undertake to set down 
 here any symmetrical estimate ; I can say 
 only that he was my friend and I loved 
 him. 
 
 John S. Reynolds : My lot it has been 
 to know Robert Elliott Gonzales from the 
 days of his early youth, to watch the con- 
 sistent budding of his literary gifts, to see 
 the growth of his journalistic genius, dur- 
 ing the culminating period of his life to 
 work with him for the paper which had 
 always filled so large a part of his thoughts, 
 and, finally to mourn him in his soldier's 
 
226 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 grave. And in all his successes, as in all 
 his strivings, one would find no toucli 
 of malice, no germ of meanness. His walk, 
 like that of him whom a genius of jour- 
 nalism has sung, was 
 
 "From his birth 
 In simpleness, and gentleness, and honor, 
 and clean mirth." 
 
 None who have lived with him, worked 
 with him, played with him, will forget him 
 — a fine figure of a fellow worker and a 
 friend. 
 
 J. IRBY KooN : A bold and brilliant an- 
 cestral strain coursed his youthful veins. 
 Generations of forbears, with aching hearts 
 and bleeding feet, blazed the dusty trail 
 which marked the path of his own destiny. 
 He bared his manly bosom to the shock of 
 battle, because "'twas their manner" and 
 he wielded the pen with no less fervor 
 than his ancestry. His subtle humor, giv- 
 ing promise of even more brilliant achieve- 
 ment, is a deplorable loss. The supreme 
 tragedy is that the line is broken. He was 
 the last of a dynasty of kingly men. 
 
 Ambrose E. Gonzales : On the Mexican 
 border far from kindred, home and the 
 work he loved, his brave young heart lies 
 stilled, but, soldier and patriot, he gave his 
 life for his country, and his knightly soul 
 Is with the spirits of those who, giving all 
 in life and death, have not lived nor died 
 in vain. 
 
 John J. Cormack.- * * * Compositors 
 rarely read their copy entirely through be- 
 fore putting it into type, but when the para- 
 graphs reached the machine the temptation 
 to do so before starting its composition was 
 irresistible and was almost always indulged 
 in by the printer who caught the "take." 
 
 Bob was a frequent visitor to the com- 
 posing room and his bright smile and 
 cheery words always made him a most 
 welcome one. He will be sadly missed by 
 the printers. 
 
 His remarkably successful career ; his al- 
 most miraculous leap into nationwide fame 
 can not but be an inspiration to the youth 
 of this country and a solace to all the older 
 people who knew and loved him. 
 
 Knowing him from early childhood his 
 loss is keenly felt by me and his strong 
 personality and amiable disposition will 
 always remain green in my memory. 
 
 Martha Porcher Dwight : He was 
 never "Bob" to me as he was to the world ; 
 I knew him and shall always think of him 
 as Robert, because I liked so well the 
 dignity, the deep, sweet reticences in his 
 nature, which had perhaps never been 
 
 fathomed, by himself or even by his 
 dreams. 
 
 * * * His taste in music ran to opera 
 and, stimulated by his uncle, "Mr. Am- 
 brose," he benefited broadly by that most 
 agreeable teacher, the phonograph, and 
 traveled not infrequently to distant parts 
 for special operatic occasions. And so, 
 in the course of the last few years, he had 
 learned to recognize the best in many 
 operas and had come to know most of the 
 great singers of the day. He was an in- 
 telligent and an exacting critic and so en- 
 tirely he scorned the trashy and trivial 
 that he never even hummed a popular song 
 around the building. As he swung up the 
 steps to his office apart, it was oftenest 
 "One Fine Day," from "Madam Butterfly," 
 that rang out clear and then floated down 
 more softly sweet before it was shut off 
 by the closing of his "work shop" door. 
 
 Brian Bell : His best paragraphs were 
 never printed, for his kindliest and sharpest 
 shafts were directed at the editors and re- 
 porters about him. Many of the devoted 
 followers in his army of readers have won- 
 dered and some have asked, "Is Bob Gon- 
 zales as clever in conversation as in his 
 column?" and always the answer was, 
 "More so," for at work and play, in the 
 office and out, he was not only the bril- 
 liant wit but the true good fellow too. 
 And so men who make The State knew 
 and loved Bob Gonzales as few men or set 
 of men are given to love one. 
 
 Joe Sparks : So kind, so brave, so bril- 
 liant, so tender in his feeling toward all 
 mankind ; the passing of Robert Elliott Gon- 
 zales, soldier-journalist, on the field of 
 duty, leaves me without words, I loved 
 him. 
 
 Samuel L. Latimer, Jr.; Sincerity 
 thoughtfulness, unselfishness, modesty, and 
 desire to see only the good in mankind, 
 characterized Bob Gonzales' life and en- 
 hanced the attractiveness of his brilliant 
 mind. I knew him first as a fellow stu- 
 dent ; later as a fellow worker. It was a 
 rare pleasure to have such a man for a 
 friend. 
 
 Wm. p. Houseal : Robert E. Gonzales 
 achieved fame as no young man in the his- 
 tory of journalism in this generation in 
 South Carolina, yet withal he was modest 
 and retiring to a fault. His reputation 
 was national, yet he chose the place of a 
 loyal citizen and devotion to duty rather 
 than preferment in wider spheres. He gave 
 his life in sacrifice to a noble ideal which 
 he had adopted as a life principle. 
 
FROM FELLOW CRAFTSMEN 
 
 Franklin P. Adams, ("F. P. A."), The 
 New York Tribune : Bob Gonzales' death 
 robs the paragraphing game of its leader. 
 Nobody wrote better paragraphs than he. 
 He had the ideal gift — pungency and virile 
 sweetness without malice . . . the reading 
 public is poorer for his death — poorer than 
 most of it will ever realize, as Bob Gon- 
 zales was only 28 years of age. 
 
 William Heaver Woods, Editor, The 
 Liiterary Digest, New York City : I am 
 deeply distressed to learn that the brilliant 
 career of Mr. Gonzales has been cut short 
 by death. We valued his work here most 
 highly. Our pages will miss the flashes 
 of his wit and true wisdom quoted from 
 The State. Please accept sincere sympathy. 
 
 The Editors, Collier's Weekly, New York 
 City : Robert E. Gonzales was one of the 
 four or five best newspaper paragraph- 
 ers in America, his brain effervescent with 
 lively, wholesome humor. We sympathize 
 deeply in your loss. 
 
 EwiNG Galloway, Editorial Writer, Col- 
 lier's Weekly (letter to Columbia friends 
 before he knew of Mr. Gonzales' death, or 
 even of his illness) : Mr. Gonzales' para- 
 graphs are the best editorial squibs in 
 America. 
 
 Brevard Stephenson, in The Fourth Es- 
 tate, New Yoi'k : It is doubtless only with 
 an effort that those newspaper men asso- 
 ciated with young "Bob" Gonzales of the 
 Columbia (S. C. ) State can think of him 
 as dead. His happy, lovable, sparkling 
 personality expressed itself through the 
 columns of The State, on which paper he 
 was editorial paragrapher. In the opinion 
 of not a few newspaper men, North and 
 South, he was the best paragrapher in the 
 United States. Certainly his pungent ob- 
 servations were widely copied, the "Topics 
 in Brief" department of The Literary Di- 
 gest, for example, sometimes having nearly 
 half its selections picked from The State 
 when young Gonzales was at his desk on 
 that paper. 
 
 He made it a point to cultivate the 
 friendship of other newspaper men, and it 
 is doubtful if there was another individual 
 in the profession so widely acquainted or 
 BO popular in the Carolinas, Georgia and 
 Florida. • • • 
 
 Bob Gonzales was the heir to the Co- 
 lumbia State, which was owned by Ms 
 
 family. He was a descendant of a famous 
 Cuban patriot, who came to South Carolina 
 several generations ago, where the Gon- 
 zales blood was united by marriage with 
 that of the Elliotts of South Carolina. 
 Young Gonzales had been graduated from 
 the University of South Carolina several 
 years ago. 
 
 George M. Bailey, Paragrapher, The 
 Houston Post : The Christmas season 
 never fails to sound its note of sorrow as 
 well as of happiness and we are reminded 
 of this by the intelligence that Robert E. 
 Gonzales of the editorial staff of The State, 
 Columbia, S. C, died after a brief illness 
 in El Paso Tuesday night. Mr. Gonzales 
 was a sergeant in the Second South Caro- 
 lina, on duty on the border, and came to 
 Texas with his regiment several months 
 ago. He was a journalist of splendid 
 promise and had already gained high rank 
 a^ a paragrapher and editorial writer when 
 he left his desk to join his regiment in 
 active service. He was a member of the 
 Gonzales family of South Carolina, long 
 famed in the field of journalism and the 
 lofty ideals which his forbears exempli- 
 fied and strove for had in him a worthy 
 champion. Bob Gonzales fell in the morn- 
 ing of life in the service of his country 
 and has added another name to the roll of 
 paladins and heroes his house has given 
 to the world and to the country. South 
 Carolina was already proud of him and 
 it may now enshrine his name upon that 
 roster of sons who have served her well 
 and met duty and death smilingly and 
 unafraid. 
 
 RoRERT L. Gray, Editor of the Raleigh 
 Times, Raleigh, N. C. : Robert E. Gon- 
 zales handled the paragraph in a way to 
 make him the peer of any of the small cir- 
 cle of exceptionally able men who a few 
 years ago gave it such a wide popularity. 
 The time had come when he was using an 
 effective medium in a manner to exercise a 
 great influence in rescuing it from the 
 neglect into which it had fallen and again 
 placing it on the plane of its better pos- 
 sibilties. Southern journalism has every 
 reason to be shocked at the passing of 
 one whose great promise had been so em- 
 phasized at so early an age. Daily associa- 
 tion during a term of newspaper labor 
 enabled me to know the man behind the 
 artistic workman in a way to appreciate 
 and to a sensible degree to share the grief 
 
228 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 which The State feels at his loss, an irre- 
 parable misfortune, in which you have my 
 most sincere sympathy. 
 
 James H. Moore, in the Knoxville Sen- 
 tinel : He was widely known as one of 
 South Carolina's most brilliant and be- 
 loved newspaper men. As the Columbia 
 State's paragrapher he had contributed 
 materially to making that paper one of the 
 most frequently and widely quoted in the 
 United States, and in this especial field 
 he had few equals and no superior that we 
 know. His talent for comprehending in a 
 line or short sentence the substance and 
 keynote of a difficult or complicated subject 
 and giving a piquant turn to a terse pro- 
 nouncement on its merits seemed marvelous 
 at times in view of his youth. 
 
 The Sentinel's deepest sympathy is ex- 
 tended to the Columbia State in view of 
 this acutest of blows to its journalistic 
 household. The son of W. B. Gonzales, 
 The State's editor in chief, now minister 
 to Cuba, and nephew of A. E. Gonzales, 
 owner and business manager of The State, 
 the tragic taking off of Robert E. Gon- 
 zales will be felt keenly both as a personal 
 and professional loss. His loss will like- 
 wise be felt keenly by the newspaper pro- 
 fession of the Palmetto State. It will 
 seem a dear price in itself that South 
 Carolina has paid for the Mexican trou- 
 bles. But young Gonzales will be enrolled 
 among other heroes the State has con- 
 tributed to the various wars in our Ameri- 
 can history and render him one of the im- 
 mortals of the State. 
 
 August Kohn. for Many Years Manager 
 of the Columbia Bureau of The Charleston 
 Netcs and Courier : It is always sad to 
 see one die in youth but doubly so when 
 there is so much promise and so much 
 of hope in the years that are ahead. 
 
 There have been few lives given to South 
 Carolina that were cut off in the bud 
 that were so full of real helpfulness and 
 opportunity for his native State as that of 
 Robert E. Gonzales. Some months ago 
 when we were at King's Mountain at a 
 meeting of the Press Association one strik- 
 ing phase of his makeup, his modesty, was 
 shown. When he suddenly found that an 
 amateur photographer was about to take 
 his picture he screened his face to avoid 
 this apparent intimacy. Very few people 
 had the opportunity of becoming infimate 
 with Robert E. Gonzales, on account of 
 this shyness, but those who knew him ap- 
 preciated his sterling qualities, his keen 
 sense of justice, his shining optimism, his 
 
 devotion to his native State, family and 
 friends, his splendid grasp of newspaper 
 work and, above all, his modesty. 
 
 It has been my fortune to have been in 
 the newspaper "game" for 25 years and 
 in all that time no one I have observed 
 has appeared in the field of journalism 
 with the promise and, indeed with the 
 merited appreciation, certainly for one of 
 his years, not alone in the South but in 
 the nation. The newspaper world and 
 South Carolina have certainly lost their 
 most brilliant hope of yesterday. 
 
 The Times of Cuba (Ilabana) : The death 
 of Robert Elliott Gonzales, son of Capt. 
 William E. Gonzales, United States minis- 
 ter to Cuba, and Mrs. Gonzales, brings a 
 sense of personal loss to every one who has 
 read his brilliant paragraphs, printed first 
 in The (Columbia, S. C. ) State and quoted 
 throughout the realm of American news- 
 paperdom. 
 
 For "Bob" Gonzales, while hardly more 
 than a boy, possessed genius far beyond 
 that of most of his fellow writers. His 
 human sense was unerring, his touch deli- 
 cate, but masterful, his sympathy pro- 
 found, his humor delicious. Wit and 
 pathos were blended in his best work ; tears 
 were near the smiling surface. Above all, 
 he was original. His clean, upstanding 
 spirit was mirrored in his work. The 
 craft has lost a pupil who would one day 
 have been a master had not his Creator 
 summoned him to an early reward. 
 
 Luke McLuke^ The Enquirer, Cincinnati: 
 America lost her brightest paragrapher and 
 South Carolina lost her keenest wit when 
 Bob Gonzales died. His fertile brain 
 blended wisdom, humor and philosophy into 
 sentence sermons. His trademark was 
 originality. He was a whole-souled, big- 
 hearted, clean-minded optimist. I have lost 
 a friend and an inspiration through the 
 passing of Boh Gonzales. 
 
 James H. Caine, Editor, The Asheville 
 Citizen, Asheville, N. C. : In the death of 
 Robert Gonzales, the newspaper fraternity 
 of the South has lost one of its brightest 
 lights and his passing will be deeply re- 
 gretted by all who knew him personally and 
 by reputation. No man in the newspaper 
 profession enjoyed a wider circle of friends 
 and admirers. Knowing nothing of 
 hypocrisy and sham, "Bob" Gonzales, as 
 he was familiarly known, never stooped 
 to questionable methods. Honorable and 
 fearless to a high degree, he closes his 
 young life by virtually offering it as a sac- 
 rifice for his country. 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 229 
 
 James C. Derieux; His death takes 
 from South Carolina a newspaper man who 
 within a few years had gained for himself 
 and his paper national reputation. More- 
 over, he was a member of one of the most 
 patriotic families of South Carolina — a 
 family that for years has fought fearlessly 
 for clean government and a happier State. 
 As a fellow member of the Fourth Estate, 
 I express my sympathy for his family, and 
 my regret that the brightest young news- 
 paper man in the South has so early in 
 life gone to his reward. The circumstance 
 that serves, in some measure, to mitigate 
 the grief occasioned by his death, is that 
 he died in the service of his country. None 
 could come to a more honorable end. 
 
 Harold C. Booker, Editor, The Jour- 
 nal, Spartanburg: In the death of Robert 
 E. Gonzales the newspaper fraternity of 
 South Carolina loses its most brilliant rep- 
 resentative. Mr. Gonzales was a singularly 
 gifted writer and his paragraphs which 
 have appeared in The State have daily 
 been read by thousands with keenest en- 
 joyment. His editorial work has given him 
 an inter-State reputation and we believe he 
 has no superior in his particular line in 
 any State. His passing is a distinct loss 
 to the people of South Carolina. 
 
 J. RioN McKi.ssiCK, in The Greenville 
 News: • • * In the South he was without 
 a rival. The only paragraphers in his class 
 are a few upon metropolitan journals. To 
 his work he brought a well stored mind, 
 familiar with the masters of English lit- 
 erature, and a marvelously wide vocabu- 
 lary. His wit was amiable — he made no 
 unkindly thrusts. He laughed, and South 
 Carolina laughed with him. Death indeed 
 loves a shining mark. No words can meas- 
 ure the loss which the Fourth P^.state sus- 
 tains in his death nor convey the deep 
 sorrow felt by his admiring fellow crafts- 
 men. Conceit and vanity were alien to 
 him, he was quiet, modest and retiring, yet 
 most companionable. His sudden pass- 
 ing, just when he was at the threshold of 
 a distinguished career and just when he 
 was approaching his full vigor and ma- 
 turity, deprives South Carolina journalism 
 of its most brilliant figure. Of a truth we 
 say of him, now that 'sunset and evening 
 star and one clear call' for him have come : 
 'Ulysses is gone, and there is none left in 
 Ithaca that can bend his bow.' " 
 
 William F. Caldwell, Manager, Colum- 
 bia Bureau, Charleston News and Courier : 
 It is well-nigh impossible to put into words 
 my appreciation of his many fine traits of 
 
 character. I saw these traits exhibited 
 strikingly during the seven weeks I spent 
 with the South Carolina troops on the 
 Mexican border. Bob was the ideal soldier 
 and was popular with both officers and 
 men. I don't believe there was a more 
 general favorite In the camp and certainly 
 not in his company. He was always ready 
 to do anything in his power for any com- 
 rade and many are the instances in which 
 he helped to make life brighter for the 
 men who served with him. He was always 
 faithful to duty and never shirked any as- 
 signment, no matter how insignificant or 
 laborious. I have seen him helping to peel 
 potatoes with the same optimistic spirit 
 that was apparent when he was at his 
 post of duty, the right guide for his com- 
 pany. 
 
 From The Charlotte Neirs: * * * Nobody 
 anywhere else seemed to have had such an 
 adeptness for pointed and pungent phrase 
 writing. His was a brilliancy not reflected, 
 altogether native. His an originality com- 
 ing not from the chambers of memory, as 
 does the originality of many who enter into 
 this coveted honor. His, too, a personality 
 that beamed and blazed through every ut- 
 terance, a uniqueness that shall be missed, 
 tragically missed, by those who have been 
 through the all too brief years laughing 
 and sobbing through the sparkling and 
 unapproachable offerings in his newspaper. 
 
 State Press Association : William Banks, 
 president, and Joe Sparks, secretary, yes- 
 terday sent out the following call to the 
 members of the association : 
 
 "For the first time since our happy an- 
 nual gathering at York, in June last, our 
 circle has been Invaded by death, and It 
 is with great sorrow that the officers of 
 the State Press Association announce the 
 death of their friend and fellow craftsman, 
 Robert Elliott Gonzales, one of the bright- 
 est lights in Southern journalism. In or- 
 der that our association may show as a 
 whole suitable respect for the dead, we 
 hereby request all members who can to 
 attend the burial services, the announce- 
 ment to be given later, and to notify us of 
 their intention to do so." 
 
 From Tampa Tribune : One year ago to- 
 day, the following editorial appeared on 
 this page of The Tribune : 
 
 "Bob Gonzales sends a holiday greeting 
 which we sincerely appreciate — and we 
 reciprocate the sentiment and then some. 
 As one who has contributed so much to 
 brighten and enlighten the year-'round 
 grind, the genial wit and philosopher of the 
 
230 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 Columbia State is entitled to the greatest 
 blessings of the Christmas-time. To him 
 we may say, as Eugene Field did to Charles 
 A. Dana : 
 
 " 'May you live a thousand years, 
 To kinder keep things moving in this hu- 
 man vale of tears ! 
 And may I live a thousand, too^a thou- 
 sand, less a day — 
 For I would not want to be on earth to 
 hear you'd passed away !' " 
 
 The "thousand years" proved less than 
 one ; the "genial wit and philosophy" are 
 silenced ; the empty editorial chair is elo- 
 quent of grief and pain and loss ; upon the 
 heart presses a leaden Sorrow — which 
 Time, the Alchemist, will transmute into a 
 golden Memory ! 
 
 Ed H. DeCamp, Editor of The Gaffney 
 Ledger : * * * It is diflficult to imagine 
 that one so young, so robust, so full of 
 life, is called away. Without a peer in his 
 particular line, he made a national reputa- 
 tion for himself and contributed in no 
 small degree to the fame of The State. But 
 above and beyond this, he was a man whom 
 to know was only to love. He was a 
 genius without ostentation. He was one 
 of the leading lights in the South Carolina 
 State Press Association and has contributed 
 more genuine humor for the last few years 
 than any one else. He gave his life for 
 his country, what more could a man do? 
 I would be proud were I capable of laying 
 a violet upon his bier. Permit me to share 
 your very great sorrow. 
 
 From the Spartanburg Herald: Coming 
 out of college "Bob" Gonzales slipped quiet- 
 ly into his position on the editorial staff 
 of the newspaper built up by the elder 
 members of his family, but his work had 
 scarcely begun before the readers of that 
 paper detected his genius. He was un- 
 known. The public did not know that 
 there was such a lad but a little while 
 ago. Today, however, there is hardly a 
 newspaper office in the country in which 
 his name and his work are not known, and 
 with the public his paragraphs were con- 
 stantly on their lips. His untimely death 
 will carry sorrow far beyond the borders 
 of his native State and thousands outside 
 the newspaper offices of the country will be 
 among those who are sad because he has 
 passed away, leaving vacant a place that 
 none will ever fill with just the touch of 
 humor or flash of wit he could contribute. 
 
 From the Savannah Neivs : His column 
 was known throughout the nation and the 
 author had endeared himself to the news- 
 paper fraternity, especially in the South, 
 
 through his brilliant, but gentle exchange 
 of more or less personal comment. Though 
 only 28 years old, Gonzales had become 
 probably the best known writer of para- 
 graphs in the country. No column was 
 more widely read or quoted than his, no 
 column was more uniformly brilliant or 
 reflective of a strong personality. 
 
 From The Newberry Observer : He wrote 
 from a kind and cheerful heart, and never 
 used his pen to wound or hurt. Already 
 he had made a reputation nation-wide, and 
 was quoted in high class journals, like The 
 Literary Digest and others, oftener than 
 any other paragraph writer in the world. 
 That was a high distinction, and a very 
 brilliant future was before him. It seemed 
 strange, and hardly to be justified, that 
 such a man should lay down the pen to 
 take up the sword and should forego a bril- 
 liant and lucrative career for the pittance 
 the United States government pays its sol- 
 diers. But it is not likely he ever con- 
 sidered the sacrifice ; we feel sure he never 
 regarded it a sacrifice at all, but as a sacred 
 duty. With a heart as gentle and kind as 
 a woman's, he had the spirit of a patriot 
 soldier, by nature and inheritance. His 
 grandfather was a Cuban patriot, who 
 risked his life for the independence of his 
 country, and afterwards served gallantly as 
 an officer in the Confederate army ; his 
 father was among the first to volunteer 
 in the Spanish-American war, and became 
 a captain in that service ; and so he obeyed 
 the call of his country, never counting the 
 cost. 
 
 The Observer has a very tender feeling 
 for the young newspaper men of South 
 Carolina ; and, so, on Wednesday, thinking 
 of young Gonzales ana others, and how 
 his bright paragraphs had been missed and 
 longed for in the offices and in the homes, 
 we wrote a "letter to Santa Claus," half 
 jocular, half serious, wishing that the 
 young man might come home again and 
 resume his work. Next morning we received 
 the sad news of his death ! 
 
 Our first thought was to leave the "let- 
 ter" out ; it might be out of place in the 
 face of such a calamity ; but, on second 
 thought, we will let it go in word for 
 word as it was written, for it expre.sses 
 how we appreciated and loved our young 
 co-worker whom now we all mourn with 
 heavy hearts : 
 
 Letter to Santa Claus 
 
 Dear Uncle Santa, or Uncle Sam either : 
 We are writing to you, either or both, to 
 ask that, if you can not send all the Na- 
 tional Guard home, as the good mothers 
 and sisters and sweethearts are praying 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 231 
 
 may be done, you will send at least one 
 man to cheer the drooping spirits of his 
 hard-pressed contemporaries at home who 
 are bowed down at this ought-to-be happy 
 season with the fearful weight of the high 
 cost of print paper that threatens to crush 
 them to earth, whence they may not be 
 able, like Truth, to rise again. This one is 
 Bob Gonzales, late of The State, the pre- 
 mier paragrapher of these United States, 
 whose bright quips and quirks would help 
 wonderfully in reviving their drooping 
 spirits and putting them in a more hopeful 
 mood. 
 
 Why should a good paragrapher waste 
 his time on the Mexican border, waiting 
 month after month for a chance to kill one 
 Greaser when there are thousands of other 
 young men who can shoot a gun as straight 
 as he, but not one in a hundred and thir- 
 teen millions who can fill his place as the 
 •writer of bright and happy paragraphs? 
 
 Louis H. Chazal, in The Ocala (Fla.) 
 Star: "Bob," as he was known to those 
 who worked with him on The State, was 
 of a most modest and retiring disposition. 
 He spent most of his time at his desk. His 
 success may be attributed to his earnestness 
 and sincerity. There was serious purpose 
 behind his wit and humor. His paragraphs 
 were quoted in almost every issue of The 
 Literary Digest, and among those to give 
 him high praise was Franklin P. Adams 
 of the New York Tribune, one of the best 
 known and most successful "columnists" in 
 this country. Bob's loss will be distinctly 
 felt by the paragraphers on the newspapers 
 of the South, who delighted in exchanging 
 shots with him. Many a paragrapher knew 
 Robert E. Gonzales who never met him. 
 
 Away from his desk he lived quietly. He 
 lived wrapped up in his work. He did 
 not care at all for things social. He had 
 a few pals, with whom he enjoyed him- 
 self, giving himself up to his hobbies. He 
 was an enthusiastic baseball fan, and was 
 exceptionally fond of good music and the 
 theater. 
 
 No one can take the place of old Colo- 
 nel Aftermath on the staff of The State. No 
 one will feel his loss more than his un- 
 cle, Ambrose Gonzales, president of The 
 State Publishing Company, than whom there 
 Is no finer or bigger man in this country. 
 
 Robert E. Gonzales was the only son of 
 Capt. W. B. Gonzales, now United States 
 minister to Cuba." 
 
 From the Neicark (Ohio) American 
 Tribune: The dispatch which appeared in 
 the morning papers will bring sorrow to the 
 hearts of the newspaper fraternity of the 
 country as well as to the innumerable num- 
 
 ber of readers of the daily papers who have 
 enjoyed the short squibs from the pen of 
 Mr. Gonzales, which appeared in the Colum- 
 bia, (S. C), State, and were largely copied 
 by the papers of the nation. When the 
 National Guard was ordered to the border, 
 Mr. Gonzales, in the line of his sworn duty, 
 laid down the pen to take up the sword, 
 and the ending of his career is chronicled. 
 He was a young man of especial acuteness 
 in the newspaper work, had an especial tal- 
 ent for the paragraph work, and was a 
 writer of abilit.v, and his passing is sincerely 
 mourned. While not a personal acquaint- 
 ance of the editor of The American Tribune, 
 still there had been pleasant relations estab- 
 lished through correspondence between 
 them, and the writer feels that a personal 
 friend has been taken away. 
 
 From the AsheviUe Citizent No man in 
 the newspaper profession enjoyed a wider 
 circle of friends and admirers. Knowing 
 nothing of hypocrisy and sham, "Bob" Gon- 
 zales, as he was familiarly known, never 
 stooped to questionable methods. Honora- 
 ble and fearless to a high degree, he closes 
 his young life by virtually offering it as a 
 sacrifice for his country.* * * 
 
 It was the privilege of the writer to know 
 Robert Gonzales under varying circum- 
 stances, and there comes to mind now a 
 splendid type of citizenship, the Southern 
 gentleman "to the manner born." Never 
 conscious of his own superior gifts, he was 
 willing to accord to others a full measure 
 of credit, and the young men who worked 
 around him on The State will hold in grate- 
 ful remembrance the kindly spirit that has 
 gone. 
 
 From the Oreenwood Index: Thousands 
 of people in this State and many in other 
 States have felt a keen personal grief in 
 the taking away of this brilliant young 
 writer, though to them he was unknown 
 even by sight. To those who did know him 
 and to those who rejoiced in his friendship, 
 the loss is greater and harder to bear. 
 Robert made the people who read his para- 
 graphs smile : he did more, he made them 
 feel that life was worth living. He had a 
 creed of life and he knew how to put it in 
 sucii a way that it was never obtrusive. 
 He knew human joys and weaknesses far be- 
 yond the knowledge possessed by even young 
 men of the highest culture and attainments 
 at the age of 28. For bis work the people 
 loved him, and hence their grief. 
 
 From the Ahieville Medium: Probably no 
 man of modern times has exerted a stronger 
 or more wholesome influence upon the news- 
 paper men of the State than "Bob" has. 
 Dozens of would-be members of the Fourth 
 Estate have striven for his recognition, and 
 
232 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 when they finally "broke into" the columns 
 of The State they felt that their -work was 
 not in vain. 
 
 Young Gonzales came of a long line of 
 military ancestors, and while he did not 
 fall in battle, his was a soldier's death, and 
 he met it with a soldier's spirit. 
 
 From the York News: From the begin- 
 ning of his college life Robert Elliott Gon- 
 zales showed the earmarks of a genius in 
 the literary world. His work in college, 
 both in the class room and on the college 
 publications, showed the budding promise of 
 a great journalist. Since he stepped from 
 the University of South Carolina into the 
 editorial paragraph work of The State, the 
 bud of early promise has become a full 
 blown flower, and ere the great Reaper ap- 
 peared on the scene he had attained the dis- 
 tinction of being the premier paragraph 
 writer of the newspaper world. That world 
 now misses him from its ranks, and he is 
 mourned more widely and with a greater 
 sorrow than can ever be measured or esti- 
 mated. * * * His philosophy of life 
 was worthy of imitation. He loved his fel- 
 low man. His heart held no hatred or bit- 
 terness. His cheery greetings and kindly 
 smile were deep-rooted in his loving heart. 
 To those who were privileged to know him 
 intimately, he was an inspiration. He saw 
 only the beautiful and good. He spread 
 sunshine and gladness wherever he went. 
 
 From the Tampa Times: Member of a 
 race of real journalists, Mr. Gonzales wrote 
 the most scintillating and at the same time 
 most deep-thoughted paragraphs published 
 during the present century, and he was in- 
 deed a credit to the profession. He was 
 also a real patriot, as shown by his volun- 
 tary service of the border, and a worthy 
 member of bis family. * * * The influ- 
 ence of members of the Gonzales family has 
 been felt not only in South Carolina, but 
 throughout the Union as well, and the coun- 
 try and journalism suffer a distinct loss in 
 the death of this youthful, brilliant and fear- 
 less wielder of the pen. 
 
 E. W. Dabbs,, of Salem, Black River: 
 * * * It is peculiarly said that the 
 only one to perpetuate the name of the 
 three brothers who have made The State the 
 finest type of a newspaper that I know (and 
 I say it advisably though often differing 
 with The State) — it is a distinct loss to the 
 profession of journalism, and to the life of 
 the commonwealth that one who bade fair 
 to hand down the finest traits of a distin- 
 guished ancestry and to have a sweetening 
 and elevating influence on public thought 
 should be cut off in the very beginning of 
 life. 
 
 From the Roanoke Times: The death of 
 Bob Gonzales down on the border takes from 
 the ranks of the Fourth Estate one of the 
 most brilliant paragraphers of the entire 
 country. Because of his witty and sagac- 
 ious sayings, his keen shafts of humor and 
 satire, the Columbia State's paragraphs 
 were copied extensively from one end of the 
 land to the other. Gonzales' reputation ex- 
 tended far beyond the confines of South Car- 
 olina, has native State, and in his death The 
 State sustains a loss that in its own way is 
 irreparable. Newspaper men who did not 
 have the pleasure of a personal acquaint- 
 ance with Gonzales admired him for his ex- 
 ceptional gifts and liked him for the good 
 humor and sincerity that permeated his 
 writings, telling eloquently of the person- 
 ality of the man behind them. 
 
 From the Columbia Record (editorial): 
 In giving the life of Robert Elliott Gonzales 
 to his country, South Carolina has made a 
 sacrifice most notable. The announcement 
 which came today brings a personal sorrow 
 to hundreds of South Carolinians, and it 
 brings a sense of loss to thousands who did 
 not know the shy and gentle youth. 
 
 He knew the great privilege which he 
 enjoyed, and it was his endeavor to bring 
 at least one smile a day into the lives of 
 the reading public which he took into his 
 confidence, and for which he felt the affec- 
 tion of a big brother. The "column" which 
 he conducted in the Columbia State was one 
 of the most brilliant contributions to Amer- 
 ican journalism in the last half century. 
 
 His was a generous and fiowing humor, 
 which seemed to be limitless, and never un- 
 kind. His was a pen of great versatility as 
 well as of fecundity, for his contributions to 
 the literature of the State will live in the 
 future as among the best and purest of lyric 
 verse. But it is not easy to think of "Bob" 
 as one apart, as a personage in literature, as 
 one who will be known in the years to come 
 as a greatly gifted son. 
 
 From the Lancaster Neivs: To the editors 
 of South Carolina his work was an inspira- 
 tion, his presence at their annual meetings 
 a genuine pleasure. He was by nature and 
 inheritance fitted for a brilliant career upon 
 which he seemed to have just entered. The 
 excellence of his style, the fine sentiments 
 which animated him, the wealth of wit and 
 humor with which he was endowed gave to 
 everything he wrote a charm rare and dis- 
 tinctive. His comrades are bowed in sorrow 
 at the passing of this leader among them. 
 None can equal him in genius, but may the 
 spirit of good cheer with which his work 
 abounded be given to others. 
 
THE BRIEF STORY OF HIS LIFE 
 
 A career of rare achievement and brilliant promise. 
 
 From The State, December 21, 1916. 
 
 Robert Elliott Gonzales, 28 years of age, 
 who in half a decade had by his work on 
 The State made secure his place among the 
 foremost few practitioners of that fine 
 journalistic art, died of pneumonia late 
 Tuesday night at El Paso, Texas. He en- 
 listed as a private in the Second South 
 Carolina infantry on the mobilizing of the 
 militia last June and before his command 
 left Camp Moore for the frontier in August 
 he had won on merit promotion to a ser- 
 geantcy in the machine gun company. Last 
 Saturday he was relieved of an arduous 
 tour of patrol duty and almost immediately 
 developed the malady which in four short 
 days cut short his life of rare achievement 
 and brilliant promise. The end came in 
 the base hospital at Fort Bliss. 
 
 Col. Springs, commanding the Second, is 
 sending an escort east with that which is 
 mortal of the young soldier and the funeral 
 will be held in Columbia, probably Mon- 
 day, with military honors. 
 
 So abrupt and extreme a termination of 
 his illness was not expected, but the first 
 intimation, received Sunday evening, was 
 disquieting and members of his family made 
 preparations to join him. He had obtained 
 a furlough and expected to participate in 
 a family reunion in New York City dur- 
 ing the holidays. Instead his father, Wil- 
 liam E. Gonzales, United States minister 
 to Cuba, left Habana immediately for El 
 Paso and was intercepted yesterday at St. 
 Augustine by messages telling of the end. 
 He came then to Columbia, arriving at an 
 early hour this morning. Sergeant Gon- 
 zales' uncle, Ambrose E. Gonzales ; his 
 mother and his little sister, Alida, reached 
 Columbia yesterday afternoon, learning of 
 their bereavement only on their arrival. 
 
 Telegrams from El Paso reporting Ser- 
 genat Gonzales' death were delayed in tran- 
 sit and also by the difference in time, so 
 that although the end came at 11 :30 o'clock 
 Tuesday night, the news did not reach Co- 
 lumbia until early yesterday, after The 
 State had gone to press. The tidings spread 
 quickly and all yesterday and last evening 
 expressions of concern and grief poured 
 into the office of The State. Hundreds of 
 persons called at the office and many others 
 left cards and messages at the family resi- 
 dence, 1516 Richland Street. The after- 
 noon newspapers diffused the intelligence 
 throughout the country and early in the 
 
 afternoon telegrams began arriving from 
 fellow craftsmen, many of whom knew the 
 man but through his work yet through it 
 had come to love him as few men are 
 loved. The dominant note in all these mes- 
 sages is that of proud sorrow. 
 
 Robert Gonzales was born in Columbia, 
 April 18, 1888, the son of William B. and 
 Sarah Cecil Shiver Gonzales. His paternal 
 grandfather, the Cuban patriot, Gen. Am- 
 brosio Jose Gonzales, was chief of artillery 
 to General Beauregard in the Confederate 
 States army. General Gonzales as an exile 
 settled in the coastal plain of South Caro- 
 lina and there married a daughter of Wil- 
 liam Elliott. Robert Gonzales' uncles, Am- 
 brose E. Gonzales, and the late Narciso 
 Gener Gonzales, were the founders of The 
 State. Prepared for college by Miss Jan- 
 ney and William H. Verner in Columbia, 
 Robert Gonzales spent one year at the 
 Citadel in Charleston and thereafter was 
 several years a student in the University of 
 South Carolina, a member of the class of 
 1909. He intended going on to Harvard 
 after his graduation, but his health be- 
 came impaired, an operation was required 
 and before he had recovered the college year 
 had opened. Mr. Gonzales joined the staff 
 of The State in the summer of 1911 as 
 paragrapher and editorial writer. How well 
 he did his work is known far beyond the 
 bounds of South Carolina. He spent six 
 months abroad during 1913. None of his 
 work has appeared in The State since the 
 troops were called out last June, a war de- 
 partment rule making soldiers ineligible 
 for newspaper work. 
 
 Mr. Gonzales was a communicant of 
 Trinity Church, Columbia, where as a lad 
 he was a choir boy. He was a member of 
 the Columbia Club and of several other 
 organizations. He was diffident but cor- 
 dial and had hosts of devoted friends. He 
 had the affection and respect of his com- 
 rades in the military service. His colonel 
 designated him regimental historian shortly 
 before the Second went to the border. 
 
 His College Career. 
 "Bob will some day make a name as an 
 editor," was a sentence in the sketch of 
 Robert E. Gonzales which appeared in The 
 Garnet and Black, the University of South 
 Carolina annual, of 1909. The sketch out- 
 lines Mr. Gonzales' career as a student in 
 the university as follows : 
 
234 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 "Gonzales is the poet of our class. He 
 feeds upon Shakspere, Browning and Ten- 
 nyson. His chief hero in history is 'Peter, 
 the Hermit.' His talents are literary, ora- 
 torical and mathematical. 'Bob' will some 
 day make a name as an editor. 
 
 "Center, scrub football team, '04-'05 ; 
 center, class football team. '04-'05 ; coach, 
 senior class football team, '08 ; center, 'var- 
 sity, '07 ; captain and tackle, varsity foot- 
 ball team, '08 ; shortstop, class baseball 
 team, '08 ; second base, '09 ; member track 
 team, '06, '07, '08, '09 ; manager, '08 ; 
 member Columbia track squad in Charlotte 
 meet, '07 ; president. Athletic Association, 
 '08 ; literary critic (two terms) vice presi- 
 dent, and president, Clariosophic Society ; 
 elected president State College Press As- 
 sociation, and corresponding secretary 
 South Carolina Intercollegiate Oratorical 
 Association ; delegate to meeting College 
 Press Association, "08 ; won South Caro- 
 lina I. O. A. preliminary, '08, '09, as repre- 
 sentative from the Clariosophic Society, and 
 represented Carolina at Greenwood, '08-'09 ; 
 represented the Clariosophic in the S. I. O. 
 A. preliminary, '09 ; marshal, centennial ex- 
 ercises, '06 ; member The Scribes, '06, '07, 
 '08, '09 ; president, '08, '09 ; editor in chief. 
 Garnet and Black ; twice exchange editor ; 
 twice editor in chief and business manager 
 of The Carolinian ; won Garnet and Black 
 medal for best short story, '07 ; The Caro- 
 linian short story medals, '06, '07, '08 ; The 
 Carolinian poetry medals, '07, '08, '09 ; 
 member German Club ; member Society 
 Centennial Catalog committee, chairman, 
 '08 ; member University Dramatic Club, '07 ; 
 founder and tirst editor-in-chief of The 
 Gamecock (student weekly) ; member The 
 'C Men, Columbia Club, and all the 'gun 
 clubs' ; class historian and poet, '08 : class 
 poet, '09 ; speaker Clariosophic Society ban- 
 quet, '08, and chairman banquet commit- 
 tee ; elected speaker junior-senior banquet, 
 '08 ; member Golf Association ; advisory 
 athletic board, '08 ; delegate to meeting 
 executive committee of the South Carolina 
 Intercollegiate Oratorical Association, '09 ; 
 speaker before meeting of College Press As- 
 sociation, and at banquet of the College 
 Press Association ; speaker at Poe Cen- 
 tennial exercises." 
 
 PASSING OF ROBERT GONZALES IS 
 OFFICIALLY MADE KNOWN TO 
 REGIMENT. 
 Copies of a general order issued by Col- 
 onel Springs of the Second South Carolina 
 Infantry, announcing officially the death of 
 Robert E. Gonzales, a sergeant in the ma- 
 chine gun unit of that regiment, were 
 
 brought from El Paso by Sergeant Gaillard 
 Rembert, who arrived in Columbia yester- 
 day on furlough. The order follows : 
 
 Headquarters Second South Carolina In- 
 fantry. 
 
 Camp Owen Bierne, El Paso, Texas, De- 
 cember 21, 1916. 
 General Orders No. 27 : 
 
 1. It is with sincere and deep regret that 
 the regimental commander announces the 
 death of Sergt. Robert E. Gonzales, Machine 
 Gun Company, Second South Carolina In- 
 fantry. 
 
 2. Sergt. Robert E. Gonzales enlisted in 
 response to the call of the president In 
 the Machine Gun Company, Second South 
 Carolina Infantry, June 26, 1916, and per- 
 formed his duties as a true soldier until 
 called on December 19, 1916, to a higher 
 command. 
 
 3. Since an all-wise Providence has seen 
 fit to remove from our ranks Sergt. Robert 
 E. Gonzales, while in the prime of man- 
 hood, and to call him to answer the as- 
 sembly call above, the regiment, while 
 humbly submitting to the will of a most 
 high God, realizes the great loss It has 
 sustained in having this most efficient, 
 faithful and loyal soldier promoted to his 
 heavenly reward. 
 
 4. Sergt. Robert E. Gonzales was one of 
 the best known members of this command. 
 Prior to his entry into the service, his 
 writings were published throughout the 
 United States. The country at large, as 
 well as the State of South Carolina, suf- 
 fered great loss by his uatimely death. His 
 ability won for him the appointment of 
 regimental historian on July 16, 1916. The 
 fact that he was called away before he bad 
 completed the history of the regiment for 
 the period of border service, is an irre- 
 parable loss to the organization. 
 
 5. Sergt. Gonzales, familiarly known as 
 "Bob," was of a retiring but attractive 
 personality, and his smiling face and pleas- 
 ant words made him beloved by all who 
 knew him. The officers and enlisted men 
 of this regiment express their heart-felt 
 and sincere sympathy for the bereaved fam- 
 ily during this great sorrow. 
 
 6. Capt. Edward B. Cantey is hereby di- 
 rected to provide a funeral escort for the 
 deceased, and to detail a member of his 
 command to accompany him with the re- 
 mains to Columbia, S. C. 
 
 7. A copy of this order will be sent to the 
 bereaved family, and be published in The 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 235 
 
 state, the Columbia Record and The News 
 and Courier. 
 
 By order of Colonel Springs. 
 
 J. D. E. Meyek, 
 Captain Second South Carolina Infantry, 
 
 Adjutant. 
 
 SERGEANT GONZALES IS LAID TO 
 REST. 
 
 (From The State, December 27, 1916.) 
 
 Personality was signally exalted in the 
 outpouring of popular affection which 
 marked the laying to rest yesterday of 
 Robert Elliott Gonzales, for the man so 
 mourned lacked two full years of 30 and 
 had been but five years engaged at his pro- 
 fession, and although the pathos of his 
 passing was enhanced by the fact of his 
 dying at 28 in the service of his country, 
 it was his brief career as a journalist and 
 that in the practice of perhaps the most 
 difficult specialty of newspaper work, edi- 
 torial paragraphing, which procured him 
 national reputation and gave him a place 
 all his own in the hearts of thousands 
 whose very names he knew not. 
 
 During the interval between Mr. Gon- 
 zales' death at El Paso a week ago, of 
 pneumonia contracted from exposure inci- 
 dental to patrol duty along the Mexican 
 frontier, and his interment yesterday in 
 Elmwood Cemetery, Columbia, expressions 
 of regard and of grief reached his family 
 and The State in thousands, coming from 
 the humblest of his admirers as well as 
 from the presidents of the United States 
 and of Cuba, from others highly placed in 
 public life and from the masters of the 
 craft in which he himself had attained su- 
 preme distinction within half a decade. This 
 tribute reached its climacteric in the at- 
 tendance on the formal rites of yesterday, 
 an attendance which in character as well 
 as in volume indicated how generally heart- 
 engaging was the occasion. 
 
 Mr. Gonzales on the mobilization of the 
 organized militia last June left his desk 
 and fulfilling the tradition of his house 
 joined the colors, enlisting as a private in 
 the machine gun company of the Second 
 South Carolina infantry. He died a ser- 
 geant in that unit, having refused to permit 
 of the exertion of interest toward pro- 
 curing more rapid promotion and preferring 
 to advance on desert. 
 
 Sergt. Gonzales' body, wrapped in the 
 flag for which he gave all, was escorted 
 East by three members of his company, 
 Capt. Edward B. Cantey and Sergeants 
 Macfie and Murray. The two latter were 
 themselves ill on the transcontinental jour- 
 ney and some misgivings were entertained 
 
 lest they develop pneumonia, but they ral- 
 lied and were able to participate in the 
 services yesterday. The funeral party was 
 joined on the way by several Columbians : 
 E. D. Sompayrac, W. P. Caldwell, James 
 D. Lee, A. D. Oliphant, and three members 
 of the staff of The State : John S. Rey- 
 nolds, Brian Bell and Joe Sparks. The 
 party went from the station in Columbia 
 to the Gonzales residence, 1516 Richland 
 Street, arriving at midnight Monday. 
 
 The funeral, semi-military in character, 
 was held yesterday morning in Trinity 
 Church. The officiant was the rector, the 
 Rev. Kirkman G. Finlay. Assisting was the 
 regimental chaplain, Lieut. John McSween, 
 Jr., who returned on furlough to his home 
 at Dillon only last Friday. Lieutenant Mc- 
 Sween was present both in his official ca- 
 pacity and as the personal representative 
 of Col. Holmes B. Springs. The military 
 escort consisted of a sergeant and 14 men 
 from Company M (Camden), First South 
 Carolina Infantry, under Lieut. A. M. Mc- 
 Leod. The party comprised Sergt. M. A. 
 Bateman, Corporals J. P. Heath and J. W. 
 Lenoir ; Private C. P. Villepigue, W. E. 
 Lenoir, C. D. Jordan, C. C. Hough, P. L. 
 Anthony, I. S. DeBruhl, C. C. Medlin, B. 
 S. Wren, M. E. Fort, O. J. Rose, W. M. 
 Hasty and J. B. Gardner. 
 
 The Harvest Jubilee Band of Columbia, 
 under direction of Wilbur Schumacher, took 
 station at the south of the church entrance 
 and as the procession approached and en- 
 tered played softly Chopin's march. The 
 vested choir, supplemented by singers from 
 other churches, who volunteered their ser- 
 vices, sang during tlje service, "Lead, Kind- 
 ly Light" and "Abide With Me." The 
 prayer book office for the dead was re- 
 cited. 
 
 Committal Service. 
 
 On the conclusion of the brief service 
 the band struck up as a recessional the 
 "Dirge Dolore" of Pettee and on the march 
 to the cemetery the same beautiful com- 
 position was played. The Rev. Mr. Finlay 
 read the committal office and prayer was 
 said by Lieut. McSween. A double quartet 
 of male voices sang the hymns, "Peace, Per- 
 fect Peace" and "The Strife is O'er, the 
 Battle Done, Alleluia" and the patriotic 
 anthem, "America." The singers were 
 Cyril Baxstresser, Walter T. Love, Frank 
 Sims, Pinckney V. Mikell, M. D., George 
 Baldwin, A. Earl Boozer, M. D. ; Maj. Frank 
 Glen, N. G. S. C, and David King. 
 
 When the low earthen mound had been 
 heaped and banked about with flowers in 
 extraordinary profusion the escort fired 
 
236 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 three saluting volleys of 14 rifles each 
 and "taps" was sounded by Thomas Light- 
 foot, a Spanish-American war veteran, by 
 whose last evening calls Robert Gonzales as 
 a lad of ten had been often lulled to sleep 
 at camp at Marianao near Habana. Mr. 
 Liglitfoot had the melancholy privilege of 
 playing the same sad call at the funeral 
 of Gen. Wade Hampton. 
 
 Flowers Notably Beaufiful. 
 Probably there has not in many years 
 been assembled so extensive a collection of 
 flowers at a Columbia funeral as that 
 which overflowed the chancel of Trinity 
 Church yesterday. Several hundred indi- 
 viduals sent floral tokens of their sym- 
 pathy and affection and many floral pieces 
 came from organizations. Among the lat- 
 ter which were impressively represented 
 were : Officers of the Second South Caro- 
 lina Infantry, Machine Gun Company, Sec- 
 ond Infantry ; the Adjutant General's of- 
 fice ; the South Carolina Press Association, 
 the Columbia Club, Habana Camp, No. 1, 
 United Spanish War Veterans ; employees 
 of The State Company, the Goodfellows' 
 Club, employees of The Herald, the Journal 
 and The Carolina Spartan, Spartanburg ; 
 the Wade Hampton Chapter, United Daugh- 
 ters of the Confederacy ; Columbia Typo- 
 graphical Union, No. 34 ; the Woman's 
 Auxiliary to the National Guard ; the 
 student body of the University of South 
 Carolina ; the Clariosophic Literary Society, 
 University of South Carolina. 
 
 The Habana Camp of United Spanish 
 War Veterans not only had sent a floral 
 tribute but had cabled Maj. John D. Frost 
 to act as its personal representative. The 
 press association's contribution was appro- 
 priately a large pillow of white flowers 
 bearing a paragraph mark inset in purple. 
 
 The pallbearers were the managing edi- 
 tor of The State, W. W. Ball ; the veteran 
 foreman of the composing room, John J. 
 Cormack, and the following members of 
 the newspaper staff : John S. Reynolds, 
 McDavid Horton, Brian Bell, Joe Sparks, 
 S. L. Latimer, Jr., and J. Irby Koon. 
 
 The escorting squad, lately returned from 
 the border, did its duty smartly, and with 
 dignity. A gracious act of courtesy was 
 performed when the squad in marching past 
 saluted the monument in Senate Street to 
 the memory of the late N. G. Gonzales, 
 uncle of Sergeant Gonzales. The military 
 dispositions were admirably made by the 
 assistant adjutant general, Maj. John D. 
 Frost, in cooperation with Lieutenant Mc- 
 Leod. 
 
 One of the galleries was reserved for 
 negroes and in all the congregation there 
 were no mourners more sincere than the 
 family servants, the office janitors and the 
 other colored friends who sat there. 
 
 Gov. and Mrs. Manning and the private 
 secretary to the governor. Col. O. K. La- 
 Roque, were among those who came to 
 pay tribute to the memory of the young 
 soldier- journalist. 
 
TESTIMONY OF HIS TEACHERS 
 
 'His many-sided and brilliant career as a student." 
 
 Prof. George A. Wauchope : * • • His 
 alma mater mourns the untimely loss of her 
 brilliant and promising son. Old Carolina 
 has graduated many sons who have gone 
 forth to illustrate her lofty ideals and to 
 shed lustre on her name by noble deeds. 
 Among these deathless names Bob Gonzales 
 will be remembered. Thousands are think- 
 ing of him to day as the versatile editor, 
 the beloved "Colonel Aftermath," a master 
 of infinite wit and genial humor. Others 
 remember him as a faithful friend and de- 
 lightful comrade, overflowing with good 
 cheer and liindly interest in others, and 
 we who were wont to climb the stairs to 
 his office on the third floor will never forget 
 the cordial welcome which greeted us and 
 which betokened the warm and enduring 
 friendship that he felt for old associates. 
 In these intimate relations of life the 
 generous impulses and manly qualities of 
 his nature were constantly manifest. 
 
 While he was at the university I knew 
 Gonzales intimately, and to know him was 
 to love and admire him. I proudly recall 
 his many-sided and brilliant career as a 
 student. With intense satisfaction I fol- 
 lowed him and counseled him in his various 
 literary ventures as editor of The Caro- 
 linian and The Garnet and Black, and as 
 founder and first editor of The Gamecock, 
 our popular college weekly newspaper. No 
 other student, since my connection with 
 the university, possessed greater inherited 
 gifts, and it was a great pleasure to watch 
 his powers unfold as he put one after the 
 other of his talents to the test. His suc- 
 cess in the short story, the familiar essay, 
 in lyric poetry and the ballad and in 
 oratory was rewarded by medal after medal. 
 In fact it was not uncommon for "Bob" 
 Gonzales, as he was familiarly known on 
 the campus, to be called to the rostrum 
 two or three times at one commencement 
 as the winner of medals. He represented 
 the university at the State oratorical con- 
 test at Greenwood, winning first place in 
 delivery. At the time of the centenary of 
 Poe he recited impressively a poem of ex- 
 quisite beauty specially composed for the 
 occasion. More than once I urged him to 
 collect in a couple of volumes his short 
 stories and the verse which he wrote while 
 a student in my department, but which 
 he modestly declined to do. To him was 
 the high gift of living words and original 
 thought and that rarest of powers — "to 
 build the lofty rhyme." It was while edi- 
 
 tor of the exchange department of The Car- 
 olinian that Gonzales first discovered his tal- 
 ent as a paragrapher, in which as editor 
 of The State's Survey, he was in a few 
 years to win a reputation nationwide. 
 
 Colonel Bond, Sitperintendent of The 
 Citadel : He was only a year at the Cita- 
 del, but his father was here when I was 
 a cadet myself and we share your pride 
 in the young man's literary accomplish- 
 ment and your grief that he has so soon 
 been sacrified. 
 
 The late Dr. Edward S. Joynes : The 
 death of Robert E. Gonzales is a public 
 calamity, a loss to South Carolina, nay — 
 for such were his talents and his promise 
 — even to the country. So young, so gifted, 
 so gentle and lovable — with such sweet and 
 kindly humor — the center of such hopes — 
 with such promise of usefulness and of dis- 
 tinction, it is hard to realize that he is 
 gone — that so much of life and of life's 
 best powers and traits has ceased. • » * 
 
 To me it is also a personal loss, near 
 and grievous. For years he sat under 
 my teaching — always intelligent, always re- 
 sponsive and true. I loved him almost as 
 a son, and he repaid me with an affec- 
 tionate devotion. I looked with pride upon 
 his ripening powers and his growing fame. 
 A close friend of his family, I shared their 
 pride in Robert, as I now share their sor- 
 row. 
 
 The services of Robert Gonzales as con- 
 tributor to The State were known indeed 
 throughout the country, while his para- 
 graphs were widely copied. His death will 
 justly be regarded as a loss to journalism. 
 But for his extreme modesty his reputation 
 would have been still wider and greater. 
 But already he had won a large circle of 
 admirers abroad, while his sweet and at- 
 tractive character had made him a beloved 
 favorite at home. 
 
 President William S. Currell.- Rob- 
 ert Elliott Gonzales, a brilliant alumnus 
 of the University of South Carolina, has 
 been snatched away from us in the pride of 
 his young manhood by the dread scourge 
 pneumonia. His alma mater, the journal 
 in which his clever epigrammatic para- 
 graphs appeared daily and the whole State 
 he loved so \yc\\ mourn the loss of this 
 noble young champion of truth and justice, 
 whose scintillating wit could not conceal 
 his warm and loving heart. 
 
238 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 Resolutions of the Faculty of the Uni- 
 versity of South Carolina : Robert Elliott 
 Gonzales, an alumnus of the University of 
 South Carolina, and a sergeant in the Sec- 
 ond South Carolina Regiment, U. S. A., 
 died at the army hospital, Port Bliss, 
 Texas, last night, after an illness of four 
 days. Born and reared in Columbia, he 
 was graduated from this institution in 
 1909, and his after career so fully justified 
 the high hopes of his fellow collegians as 
 to warrant this brief tribute of affection 
 and admiration from his former instruc- 
 tors in this faculty. 
 
 The vivid imagination, glowing fancy, 
 sparkling humor and rare command of Eng- 
 lish which characterized his work in our 
 lecture rooms, and his many contributions 
 in prose and verse — which are happily pre- 
 served in the student publications — augured 
 well for a brilliant future in letters. In his 
 short career as a journalist he attained a 
 distinction which was not bounded by State 
 lines, for his editorial paragraphs, pointed 
 by scintillating wit, were copied by the 
 press throughout the Union. It was justly 
 and fairly expected that he would attain 
 higher distinction in broader fields and that 
 his verse and prose would yet adorn the 
 literature of his country. That his earlier 
 ambition looked to fame in letters may be 
 inferred from some of his verses as an 
 under-graduate : 
 
 .... "Lord, shall I 
 Complain that thou has not vouchsafed 
 
 me fame? 
 Yet, tho' they glow no brighter, these mild 
 
 gleams 
 Suffice : take, merchant, thy world wealth. 
 
 Be mine 
 The unfettered soul that soars above a 
 
 king's, 
 As high as that blind bard's who in rapt 
 
 dreams 
 Saw seraph-trodden uplands, splendors 
 
 shine, 
 And God's own glory gild archangel's 
 
 wings." 
 Although urged by his friends to remain 
 at his post in the editorial room, the pa- 
 triotic ardor inherited from martial an- 
 cestry was too strong, and he enthusiastical- 
 ly volunteered for service on the Mexican 
 border, where attention to duty and his 
 bappy joyous spirit, his heart of gold, com- 
 manded the entire confidence of his officers 
 and the love of his comrades. 
 Therefore, be it Resolved: 
 
 1. That the members of this faculty 
 record this expression of their esteem and 
 admiration for one who reflected honor 
 upon this university. 
 
 2. That a copy of these resolutions be 
 sent to his bereaved parents. 
 
 Yates Snowden, 
 A. C. Moore, 
 W. B. Burney, 
 
 Committee. 
 
FROM FELLOW COLLEGIANS 
 
 'Under the elms, •when life -was in its spring'.' 
 
 Eugene H. Blake, Oreentvood : • • • 
 Back in college we who watched his first 
 work just knew that Bob would be heard 
 from. We just knew that Bob would find 
 his way in that great, rough, wonderful 
 place outside, that place of which we 
 thought, half with hope and half with 
 fear, that alluring something of which we 
 we sang — "the wide, wide world." The 
 only question was how long it would take 
 the student to find himself great in the 
 realm of thought and fancy. Poetry, short 
 fiction, the essay, oratory with the stress 
 on the thought rather than the delivery 
 were the forms in which the mind of the 
 versatile youth was revealing itself. 
 
 Fancy then the delight rather than the 
 surprise of those who "just knew" at see- 
 ing the man seize a form the youth had 
 scarcely touched, the editorial quip, and in 
 these few short years be widely acclaimed 
 the master in this form of expression. 
 
 But the blood of the warrior was in the 
 veins of the writer. The love of fair play, 
 that feeling for the under dog, was in both. 
 So when it seemed that his great country 
 must bleed for the sake of a weaker peo- 
 ple, Robert Gonzales volunteered for his 
 share of the possible suffering and went 
 with the boys to the border. And his share 
 was to die. * * • 
 
 So the world must have expected great 
 stories of the work for the under dog — 
 stories of bullets and blood, tears and 
 laughter, heat and cold, disease and hope, 
 hate and love — and what not — delicate 
 blendings of the mixture that is life. 
 
 But that pen rests. Sergeant Gonzales 
 is called across the great border. In the 
 service of his country, the mightiest of 
 nations, a soldier has given his life. With 
 his life Bob has written his grandest para- 
 graph. 
 
 A. D. Oliphant, Columbia : To those of 
 us who were privileged to know of the tal- 
 ent for writing with which Robert Gon- 
 zales was endowed, the great prominence 
 he attained as a maker of epigrams seems 
 but a first step toward what we know he 
 would have achieved had he been but grant- 
 ed time. His paragraphs though quoted 
 from coast to coast were to us who knew 
 of his genius merely the expression of a 
 small part of it which he gave unstintedly 
 in workaday but craftsmanlike fashion 
 without drawing on his reserve. 
 
 Bob's talent for writing developed rapid- 
 ly while he was a student at Carolina, 
 where his sweet spirit and true heart en- 
 deared him to many. He made himself 
 felt in nearly all lines of student endeavor 
 and was the mainstay of the college maga- 
 zine. 
 
 With Robert as the leading spirit, a few- 
 other students at Carolina, interested as 
 he was in the art of writing, were mem- 
 bers of an organization called the "Scribes." 
 The club met twice a month, and I do not 
 think that a member was ever absent. Once 
 a month each member read an original 
 poem or story or essay which was sub- 
 jected to criticism. The discussions led 
 us into many literary bypaths and lanes. 
 Robert's knowledge of English literature 
 and the sureness of his interpretation was 
 remarkable. No less remarkable, when his 
 youth is considered, was the vigor and 
 grace of his writing both in prose and 
 verse which he did for these meetings of 
 the "Scribes." 
 
 Knowing him and appreciating his liter- 
 ary ability as we did is it any wonder 
 that we of the "Scribes," while proud of 
 the fame his epigrams brought him, waited 
 expectantly for the time when he would 
 give some of the ripened fruit of his talent 
 for verse and short stories to the world? 
 The fact that he will never be able to do 
 this adds to our personal grief over his 
 passing. 
 
 D. C. Heyward, Jr., Columbia It has al- 
 ways been my regret that, knowing "Bob" 
 Gonzales, I did not know him intimately. 
 His closing years in college were my initial 
 ones, and the fame which he had at- 
 tained upon the campus tended to make me 
 know and admire him only from afar off. 
 My connection with The State did not begin 
 until after he had volunteered for military 
 service. His eminence as a paragrapher 
 makes praise of his work seem useless. His 
 being given first place by the paragraphers 
 whom he admired is the highest eulogy of 
 his ability that he could receive. 
 
 .James D. Brandenburg, University of 
 South Carolina : Most of his college mates 
 knew him as a man of few and piquant 
 words who watched campus life from under 
 the brim of a light-colored slouch hat 
 pulled low over the right eye. He was the 
 most modest leader I ever knew. An all- 
 round athlete, he was known as a wonder- 
 ful writer and brilliant orator. In those 
 
240 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 fields he was preeminent and held undis- 
 puted sway. He wrote anything from ex- 
 travagant burlesques of college life to the 
 most musical poetry. He was a poet first 
 of all. Much as his paragraphs in recent 
 years have daily brightened a trying period 
 in my own life, I was never quite recon- 
 ciled to his seeming abandonment of poetry, 
 in which he would have taken rank with 
 Poe and Lanier. 
 
 T. K. Vassy, Oa-ffneij : I was in the uni- 
 versity with Robert three years, graduating 
 in his class. Since graduation I have read 
 his paragraphs in The State with peculiar 
 pride and great joy. I counted him one 
 of my best friends while in school and 
 frequently called to see him in his office, in 
 passing through Columbia. His death is a 
 great shock to me and I feel a distinct 
 personal loss. I express also the senti- 
 ments of the readers of The State when I 
 say that journalism in the South has lost 
 its brightest star. 
 
 Andrew J. Bethba, Lieutenant Gover- 
 nor : The news of the death of Robert 
 Gonzales comes to me as a personal sor- 
 row. I feel like some near relative is 
 gone. I first knew him intimately as a 
 student in the University of South Carolina. 
 I was taking my M. A. degree and so 
 was he and we often sat together in the 
 class room. It was there I came to know 
 his true worth and manly character and to 
 appreciate his bright and rare mind. Even 
 then he wrote with marvelous talent. 
 
 D.wiD Hamilton, Chester : At a time of 
 much sorrow human words can bring but 
 little comfort to him who has lost a near 
 one of whom he was justly proud, yet I 
 wish to express to you and your grief- 
 stricken family my profund sympathy. Your 
 dead son and I were close friends at col- 
 lege. Like other follow students, I ad- 
 mired his beautiful traits of character and 
 manly bearing. I have often seen him since 
 I left the university and he was always 
 the same sincere friend. His death is so 
 sad. In the very spring time of his life, 
 with everything in the world to live for, 
 he was cut down and now he is gone for- 
 ever. 
 
 J. Hektz Brown.' I know that others 
 can not feel as poignantly his loss as you 
 of his immediate family. But I suppose 
 you hardly know how keenly it has struck 
 those of his friends who knew him best. 
 As for me, I have been with you constant- 
 ly since his death and the sadness of it 
 seems to grow on me as each day passes. 
 You may have heard of The Scribes at 
 
 Carolina. I was one of the five. During 
 the past year, we have seen a wiser Provi- 
 dence take first Sidney Cohen and now 
 Bob. They have both passed in tragic man- 
 ner and yet in the highest service that 
 the.v could give. And they have both left 
 uncompleted a work that South Carolina 
 can not produce others with the skill and 
 heart to finish. My heart is with you now 
 and will oe with you again as each re- 
 curring Christmas brings remembrance. 
 
 Douglas McKay^ Columbia: * • * 
 The great outpouring of expressions of 
 sympathy that comes from all parts of the 
 nation evidences the high character and 
 quality of work of which Robert was capa- 
 ble, and which was so full of promise for 
 a career of continued and increasing bril- 
 liancy. It is not of this loss, however, 
 which all who take a pride in South Caro- 
 lina's achievements and hopes must fall, 
 that I am most keenly sensible ; but it is 
 of the loss of a friend whose loyalty and 
 sincerity could never be doubted, and who, 
 behind a shrinking and sensitive nature, 
 possessed an undaunted and chivalrous 
 spirit and a heart of gold. * « * 
 
 Lucius C. Johnson, Aiken: In a mas- 
 terly editorial the Columbia State recently 
 quoted Poe's expression of the death of a 
 beautiful young woman as being the sad- 
 dest thing conceivable to man. But the 
 death of a brilliant young man serving 
 humanity, cut down in the very bloom — 
 how infinitely sad a thing is this ! And 
 wistfully the world thinks of rare poten- 
 tialities never to materialize. What mor- 
 tal can reckon the loss to humanity? 
 
 Not soon will gifted "Bob" Gonzales be 
 forgot by those who knew him, or knew 
 of him through his writings. A rare per- 
 sonality lay behind the pen that labored 
 so eagerly and earnestly ; his was a won- 
 derful gift in "sentence sermons" of witty 
 comment, of cheery optimism, of human 
 philosophy, to lighten and cheer the 
 daily routine of thousands. His was a 
 unique position in journalism, swift and 
 deserved his rise. It is difficult to reckon 
 the service and worth of the journalist, for 
 his influence goes out in ways unknown. 
 The smiling cheer that Gonzales evoked 
 daily are of those intrinsic things that can 
 not be weighed and valued. He will be 
 missed ; but in his passing, like Rupert 
 Brooke, John Laurens and similar men of 
 rare spirit and high ideals of patriotism 
 and duty, he leaves behind the glory of a 
 rich legacy. 
 
 Cecil Wyche, Spartanburg: I have Just 
 read with profound sorrow and deep regret 
 of the death of Robert Gonzales. * • » 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 
 
 241 
 
 I knew "Bob" when he was at the Citadel 
 and also when he was at the University 
 of South Carolina, and both my brother 
 Granville and mj-self were always very fond 
 of him. He was popular with all classes 
 of people in this State. Hundreds of thou- 
 sands of people in South Carolina and 
 throughout the whole country, who have 
 been looking forward to the time when he 
 should have returned to Columbia and re- 
 sumed his duties as paragraph writer for 
 The State, will learn with great sorrow 
 that he is dead. You have lost a noble son, 
 the State of South Carolina a useful citi- 
 zen, and the newspaper world a brilliant 
 writer. 
 
 WiNGATE Waring, Oreenville: There is 
 little that can be added to what has been 
 said of Robert Elliott Gonzales by the 
 many who were his friends and admirers. 
 But I beg to be numbered among those who 
 mourn this irreparable loss. I knew him 
 when we were both small boys, later at 
 
 college, but even better since our college 
 days, and his untimely passing is to me, as 
 to many, many others, a personal grief. 
 
 Who can live so long as ever to for- 
 get the refreshing humor, the gentle satire 
 of dear "Colonel Aftermath?" Who of the 
 readers of The State does not remember 
 Bob's Christmas greetings only last year "to 
 everybody in the world, except to the old 
 Turk," and all who knew Bob know well 
 that he held no malice in his heart nor 
 evil wish, even to the old Turk. 
 
 In the spring of 1912, when Bob was al- 
 ready on the way to fame as the para- 
 grapher of The State, the Garnet and Black 
 staff at the university was hard put to it 
 for something really literary. Bob saved 
 us by contributing to the annual publica- 
 tion of that year the following lines, which, 
 better than anything I have seen, show the 
 great soul that dwelt within that mortal 
 body. (Here follows the poem, "A Creed," 
 reproduced elsewhere in this book.) 
 
THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE 
 
 Christie Benet, Columbia: When Bob 
 Gonzales enlisted in the Second South Car- 
 olina and left for the border, those of us 
 who knew him well thought that the ser- 
 vice would make him more of a national 
 character than he was ; that the touch of 
 the great Southwest and the intercourse 
 with men from all sections of the country, 
 fired like him with courage and patriotism, 
 but with different points of view, would 
 send him back to us, bis readers and his 
 friends, with an added power and a wider 
 vision. And now he is dead ! Dead in his 
 young power and strength ! With not even 
 the chance to die in a fight for his coun- 
 try ! 
 
 What a loss to you and me ! To all South 
 Carolina ! The one mind in the State 
 known and quoted from coast to coast and 
 whose daily sayings brought smiles and 
 joy to thousands. Who can forget the tale 
 of the hunt in Shandon with the bob-tailed 
 dog and the crowd that came to jeer? Or 
 the chant of hate against okra? Or "Villa 
 batted for Carranza in the 9th?" Or the 
 paragraphs that you remember and can 
 quote even now ? Every one clean and vital 
 and kind. 
 
 Modest, brilliant, courageous ! The last 
 of his line ! What a complete tragedy. 
 Death surely found his shining mark. 
 Requiescat in pace. 
 
 President J. O. Willson, of Lander Col- 
 lege: * * *0, the pity of it! Some of 
 us not only admired him as a brilliant par- 
 agrapher, but realized his poetic ability, 
 and were hoping that this rare endowment 
 would come to full flower in the future and 
 would enrich Southern life and literature 
 to a very groat degree. The loss of a pos- 
 sible great poet is immeasurable. I hope 
 he left much of such work unpublished, and 
 that you will issue a volume of it, with se- 
 lections of paragraph work in it. How 
 strange that so many who could sing to 
 men's hearts fell asleep in life's morning .' 
 
 The Rev. Geo. A. Blackburn^ Columbia: 
 His heart was loyal to the history and 
 traditions of the South. In reading his 
 writin.gs there was no fear of being shocked 
 with a jarring discord or an inharmonious 
 note. The blood of the low country was In 
 his veins and its spirit was in his breast. 
 War conditions have passed away, but we 
 still need his keen satire and matchless 
 pen to enable some of our modern critics 
 to get a just estimate of themselves. The 
 loss of one who loved his own South as 
 he did, and who stood ready with quiet 
 courage and splendid abilities to do battle 
 
 for her with either pen or sword is a loss 
 indeed. 
 
 The Rev. N. N. Burton, Batesburg: 
 
 • * * After all, life depends not as 
 much on its length as upon its depth and 
 breadth. These essential elements were 
 present in our young friend in a most re- 
 markable degree. He lived but a brief 
 time, but he lived well, he lived much. Few, 
 if any, have impressed their generation as 
 did R. E. Gonzales. There is a reason. 
 Along with his remarkable wit there was 
 a depth of philosophy, a breadth of vision 
 and a generous sympathy which gripped 
 and held all who came within the spell of 
 his mind and heart. 
 
 Personally, I was in his presence but 
 once, and then only for a few moments. 
 With his soul and mind I was in daily con- 
 tact during the time when he edited the 
 "Survey." My deepest impressions of him 
 have been from his public utterances. The 
 "man" was reflected in his "words." There 
 was that nobility and generosity in his 
 character and that high purpose in his life 
 which gave weight to his wit and pungency 
 to his paragraphs. All of us were hoping 
 that in the near future he would be back 
 in his old place, but, alas ! R. E. Gonzales 
 was an example to his peers and an in- 
 spiration to us all. 
 
 J. Wilson Gibbes, Columbia: » • * 
 It is a great achievement to attain 
 primacy in anything good. Robert Gon- 
 zales was the premier paragrapher of his 
 time. His brain was a mint in which were 
 coined sparkling phrases and delicious wit 
 that have caused thousands of persons all 
 over this country to look eagerly for his 
 daily menu of merriment. 
 
 He could "torture one poor word ten thou- 
 sand ways," but there was no gall in his 
 ink. His wit in the combat, as gentle as 
 it was bright, "ne'er carried a heart stain 
 away on its blade." 
 
 The Ursvline J^^utui. Ursuline Convent, Co- 
 lumbia. • * * The death of your bril- 
 liant son is a loss to all South Carolina. 
 His genial, scintillating wit, trenchant, yet 
 always kind, brought daily to our homes 
 a morning burst of brightness which was 
 missed from the day he joined the army ; 
 and now we are saddened because the hope 
 of his return is taken from us. • * * 
 
 The Hon. Jas. A. Hoyt, Columbia: 
 
 * • • In his particular line of writing, 
 paragraphing — which is the most dIfHcult 
 newspaper work — he had no superior in the 
 United States, and few, if any equals. He 
 
ROBERT ELLIOTT GO NZ ALE 8 
 
 243 
 
 was equally facile in the less showy and 
 more substantial editorial work. 
 
 It Is not difficult to explain that fine 
 quality in his writings of which a stranger 
 took note. His genius, as all genius, was 
 the product of definite causes. It was my 
 privilege for four years or more to live as a 
 member of his father's household, and I 
 watched Robert's intellectual development 
 with affectionate interest, but no surprise. 
 His taste for good reading came to him by 
 inheritance and environment. He early 
 learned to love the best books ; they were 
 his best beloved friends ; and the charac- 
 ters of the greatest writers' creation were 
 his daily companions. 
 
 As a boy he was reserved and dignified, 
 as he was as a man, yet full of boy spirits 
 and fond of manly sports, as became one 
 of his inheritance. Some boys, even when 
 reared amid culture and refinement, are al- 
 ways boys and not always gentlemanly. 
 Robert, even as a boy, was always a gen- 
 tleman ; and without violation of propriety, 
 I trust I may say that my outstanding 
 recollection of his home life is the boy's 
 never failing courtesy and devotion to his 
 mother. 
 
 When he took the enlistment oath last 
 summer, generations of soldier sires stood 
 back of him. Thinking of him as a soldier, 
 my mind goes back to that other Christmas 
 when he came home for the first time from 
 the Citadel, and I can see the splendid pic- 
 ture he made, every inch a soldier, in his 
 cadet uniform. Then joy and pride reigned 
 in his home. 
 
 A. S. Sallet, Jr.j Secretary South Caro- 
 lina Historical Commission: * * * Robert's 
 death has been such a profound disappoint- 
 ment to me ever since I learned of it that 
 I have been stunned. I had hoped that his 
 brilliant, sunshine-producing, friend-making 
 career would last for many, many years. 
 He has put more sunshine into my life than 
 any other one person it has ever been my 
 good fortune to know, either personally or 
 on paper, and there are many more who 
 can say the same thing. I said I was 
 stunned. Yes, it is hard for me to realize 
 that the lovable boy is gone ; that his scin- 
 tillating wit and droll humor are hushed 
 forever. For months to come I will find 
 myself unconsciously wishing that Bob Gon- 
 zales would come back from the border and 
 write things to make me smile and laugh 
 and be happy. 
 
 Joseph J. Enloe, Winston-Salem, N. C: 
 I knew Robei-t E. Gonzales only at sight, 
 but I read his paragraphs religiously. I 
 have quoted "Bob" hundreds of times. I 
 have a box of clippings from his pen. I 
 
 carry a few in my purse all the time. I 
 didn't even know the boy was ill until he 
 was dead. My heart overflowed. I could 
 not withhold the tears. I am saddened. I 
 miss him so much. I was so anxious for 
 his return. My heartfelt sympathy goes 
 out to his family, The State, South Caro- 
 lina and the country he served till death. 
 
 The Rev. Richard Carroll^ Columhia: 
 ♦ * * I called to see Mr. Robert E. Gon- 
 zales the last week in May and had a talk 
 with him about my friendship with the 
 family, who had done so much for me per- 
 sonally and so much for my race in South 
 Carolina. I called his attention to the 
 writings of his late uncle, Mr. N. G. Gon- 
 zales, and to those of his father, and then 
 to the fact that his uncle, Mr. Ambrose E. 
 Gonzales, had stated to me that The State 
 was dedicated to God, justice, law and or- 
 der ; and that I hoped he would live to 
 carry on the work when his uncle and 
 father would sleep in their graves. I will 
 never forget the earnest attention he gave 
 me. At the close of our conversation, and 
 in answer to my hope, he said, "I will." 
 
 C. A. Woods, United States Circuit Judge, 
 Richmond, Va.: The sorrow is too great 
 for any word of comfort. My own distress 
 is not only for your loss but for the loss 
 to the State, to all of us. ♦ * * 
 
 The Rev. John Jordan Douglass, lilen- 
 heim, S. C,: * * * He was a peerless 
 master of epigram. His wit was as natural 
 and unstudied as the ripple of the river. 
 The press has lost a splendid genius and 
 the loss seems irreparable. His gift to his 
 country is the height of heroism. He gave 
 himself "And greater love hath no man 
 than this." 
 
 A. G. KOLLOCK, Darlington: • • * 
 Not since the death of your distinguished 
 brother, N. G. Gonzales, have we sustained 
 such a loss. Your son was giving us in his 
 own way what your brother began, a paper 
 of which the whole country is proud. 
 
 Richard I. Manning. Governor of South 
 Carolina: I am sincerely grieved to hear 
 of the death of Robert Gonzales. I have 
 known him for years, and his ability as a 
 paragrapher was recognized widely and gen- 
 erally. His pithy and witty writing gave 
 spice and enjoyment to his readers. But 
 his services wei-e not limited to his writing. 
 His patriotic impulses moved him to enlist 
 in the machine gun company. Second South 
 Carolina infantry, when the call for men 
 was made for the National Guard. He 
 enlisted as a private, saying he did not 
 want a commission secured by influence, 
 but would accept one only when he won it 
 
244 
 
 TRIBUTES 
 
 by his own merits. In this short time he 
 was promoted to the position of sergeant, 
 and was recognized by his superior officers 
 as material marked for further promotion. 
 It is a loss indeed that this bright young 
 man, gifted in many ways, should be cut 
 down in the flower of a virile and useful 
 life. 
 
 Walter Hazard, Oeorfjctoicn: I have not 
 looked on Robert's face since those golden 
 summer days when we fished for minnows 
 in the brook that flows through the Glenn 
 Springs meadows. Yet his sunny temper, 
 gentle manner and boyish chivalry have 
 formed a picture in memory's gallery as 
 vivid and as winsome today as it was then. 
 That these qualities should have produced 
 an impression so lasting and attractive is 
 a striking proof of his rare personality, 
 and it is not strange that I should often 
 have wished — as I have— that I could see 
 and talk with him again. The admiration 
 won by his brilliant gifts and the affection 
 inspired by his charm of character were a 
 fitting sequel to the promise of his early 
 years. The news that his spirit had passed 
 "beyond the smoke and stir of this dim 
 spot which men call earth" brought to me 
 a keen sense of personal loss and grief. Not 
 less truly than if he had fallen on the bat- 
 tle line did he die for his country. "Greater 
 love hath no man than this." You could 
 ask no nobler epitaph for him and his 
 friends could wish no higher achievement. 
 "For him the threshold of the world 
 Was still with morning dews impearled." 
 
 Special Order Issued by His Company 
 Commander. 
 Camp Owen Beirne, El Paso, Texas, Janu- 
 ary 12, 1917. 
 Headquarters, Machine Gun Company, Sec- 
 ond South Carolina Infantry. 
 Special Orders No. 15 : 
 
 Robert E. Gonzales, sergeant, machine 
 gun company. Second South Carolina Infan- 
 try, died at the base hospital, Fort Bliss, 
 Texas, December 19, 1916. 
 
 Robert E. Gonzales enlisted in the ma- 
 chine gun company. Second South Carolina 
 Infantry, June 25, 1916. He was promoted 
 from the ranks to the grade of sergeant, 
 July 10, 1916. 
 
 Of his fame and brilliancy as a journal- 
 ist, others have spoken. We knew him as 
 a soldier and a man and our opinion of 
 Bob can never be expressed in words or 
 letters. We lived with him, served with 
 
 him and loved him. When taps blew for 
 Bob we lost a gallant comrade and a be- 
 loved friend. He died as he had lived — 
 true to his country, true to his friends and 
 true to his God. Requiescat in Pace." 
 
 Therefore, be it resolved, That the deep- 
 est sympathy of the members of the machine 
 gun company be extended to the family of 
 Sergt. Gonzales, with the assurance that 
 their loss is our loss, and that we mourn 
 with them for our departed comrade and 
 friend. 
 
 And be it further resolved. That a copy 
 of these resolutions be maifed to the fam- 
 ily of Sergt. Gonzales and that copies be 
 sent to the newspapers of the State for 
 publication. 
 
 W. C. McGowan, 
 First Lieutenant Second South Carolina In- 
 fantry, Commanding Machine Gun Co. 
 
 Capt. Isadoke SchayeHj Medical Staff, 
 Second South Carolina Infantry, El Paso: 
 
 Sergt. Gonzales fought a brave fight every 
 minute, though unconscious the last few 
 days. Whenever aroused, he would answer 
 with a smile. He had captivated his entire 
 ward, from the chief surgeon to the last 
 private. The nurses — two of whom were 
 put on extra — practically neglected the rest 
 of the ward for "Bob," and none of them 
 had a dry eye at the end. Bob's brave 
 struggle stimulated all to an heroic fight. 
 
 Lamar Edmunds, Second South Carolina 
 Infantry (In a letter to his mother in Co- 
 lumbia).- Everything in our company has 
 been turned upside down this week about 
 Bob Gonzales. Poor fellow, he made a big 
 fight for his life. * * * It certainly 
 was awful. I never saw anything affect the 
 men as his death did. Every fellow liked 
 him fine. I was one of the pallbearers and 
 stood it until we put the body in the ex- 
 press office and one of the boys played 
 "Taps," and that got me. It was bad 
 enough to see 60 men crying, and I never 
 want to go through anything like that 
 again. 
 
 Col. H. B. Springs, commanding. Second 
 South Carolina Infantry, El Paso (tele- 
 gram).- Bob died tonight at 11 o'clock. 
 The regiment mourns the loss of a good 
 and true soldier and South Carolina loses a 
 valuable and distinguished citizen. He died 
 with honor to the State and its people. Our 
 sympathy is with you all in your sad be- 
 reavement. 
 
LIBRARY OF 
 
 CONGRESS 
 
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