^fe^Sk' ^- z m^^mwm' ^A'AaAJ;', £&Z& I I.I.U. a.a**^ * ...iil.i. ****** *r* A "'■ ''*./"% ****** A ^* wvvw^;^ ^<' -m . ;:,^.:V . "<**§* *%*»t^M ' *• * - * --- riAA n mm§mmm^^ KWW M-PWk?* *( %fofy$\r- - v,^ S\f\f\^A K*.**.^ > „A A V\a£ J A, nms JJommi, /873 - U ~ 75, OR THE ESIDEMCY of Horace Greeley, BY A Democrati c Cl airvoyant . Price _Ten_ Cents. PUBLISHED AT *WILD OATS* OFFICE , 113 FAJ.V.T0N STMIT, NEWY0.HK. Enteb£t> according to Act of Congress. In the year 1*72, by WTNCHKLL. 8MALL & CO.. In tn» office of tke Librarian of Cungreea at WasMng1*)n. Tlllil X* I * ESS I 1 > I OIXO V" Horace Greeley. BY .V DEMOCRATIC CLA1 K\ < > VA.NT. THE HONORABLE HORACE GREELEY BEING SWORN IN', AS PRESIDENT OF THH UNITED STATES. The most important recent event in the history of the United States had taken place without causing the slightest disturbance. The illustrious Farmer of Chappaqnn had been sworn into tbe office of President. Eetiring without the slightest illegal ef- ■» U : M;v OF STATE— CHARLES SDMNEfi. fort at opposition, whichhad been so widely predictedbyhis opponents, theGieat Soldier who had saved the Republic in the war of the Rebeffion, from disunion, had quietly retired from the high office which in 1869 the people had confided to him. Clad in his historic garments— the old white hat and coat, with unblacked boots which, with great difficulty, his friends had induced him to abandon during the canvass- Horace Greeley had taken the oath of office I This evidence of republican simplicity had i Qdeared him to the people. His Cabinet had long since been organ- ■zed. It had been constructed with great difficulty. Elected to office mainly by the now defunct Democratic party, he had been compelled to deal fairly with that organiza- tion. Greedy for place, after their long ab- sence from power, they had demanded every- thing. However, they had been induced at last, to content themselves with no more than a fair share of what they called the P B °hc plunder. When named, this Cabinet "ms received with acclamation, it was JHt that at last the lio„ and the lamb were lying down in harmony together, ft consisted of the following names:— Secretary of State, Charles Sumner- Sec retary of Interior, Whitelaw Reid: Secre ton, of m TreahtSy, W. M. Tweed; Secre to^o/ War General McClellanj Secretory tfthe Navy, Sam Bowles; Attorney-Generl ^-Governor Hoffinan; Pottmaater-GeneraL Mural Halstead. At first considerable doubt and hesita u,m I,: " 1 been felt by the new president in thus rewarding Tweed for his support in the arduous struggle re^ulting.in his elec- t, "" ; . But the' great .nd unjustly aspersed Architect of the New Court-House in New Fork had been applied to to raise alaree portion of the f„„ds aecessary for the cam- paign, after the nomination of Horace Greeley and B. Gratz Brown had received the ratification at Baltimore. He had only consented to do so on the explicit under- standing-that he should be made Secretary of the Treasury. Luckily, nearly two years had passed. In two years our great nation can forget any and every thin- It is only when a job for a sculptor has to be put through, that defunct eminence may be recalled. In like- mauner, we forgive and forget past pecula- tion. The names of the Cabinet were heartily SECRETARY OF INTERIOR— H n :, h.aw KKIP. indorsed by all \\li<> had voted the straight cut Reform ticket. The, first meeting of the Cabinet was, how- ( vi']', slightly inharmonious. Charles Sumner did not niuuh like his position. llf had previously denounced his companions to the Sage of Ckappaqua, who at length had replied in his vigorous Saxoa style of expletive, bj saying: — •• Von lie — \ lllain ! — you he." Massachusetts statesman, who dis- liked plain English, hail thrown up his po- sition. An irreparable breach would have occurred with the President, if the latter, in order to retain him, hail not consented to allow him to conduct the Foreign A Hairs of {he country exclusively on ins own hook. In consequence of this, Whitelaw Redd had demanded to in- sent Ambassador some- where. •• I can't do it," said his venerable chief. "That rascal Sumner will appoint them all."' "Then — -Mr. President .' i leave the Cabi- net at once." Bursting into a Hood ot tears, Horace ( reeleyfell upon his neck, imploring him to remain. In his tender love — not for office, but for the President — the. unseltish WhitelafV consented not to withdraw. AT'IOKNEY-UKNKKAL HOFFMAN. SECRETARY OF TRESISDRT — WM. M. 't V I I D. But his chief trouble on the BCore.oi his Secretary of State was not over. Carl Schurz was indignant. Be had been Darned tor the embassy to Berlin, in spite of Mr. Sumner's knowledge that 1><- had Bed from German] in oonsequen.ee of his intimate connection and actual complicity with the revolutionary party in that country. To tell the truth, the President did not al- together regret this nomination. He was a trifle in awe of the Senator's sharp tongue. Besides, Senator Schurz had not at first cordially indorsed the action of the Cincin- nati Convention. So lie told him that he had put it out of his own power to do any- thing, and Mr. Schurz left him in disgust at what, with his usual insolence, he styled the President's "childish weakness." In the mean time, he had announced to his Cabinet that he intended Protection to Home Industry to he a cardinal point in his policy. All new emigrants from Europe were to be removed to the Great West, and Compelled to study forming. Neither would he allow American residents in Europe more than one-half of their incomes. This would necessarily force them to return. At his peremptory instructions, in spite of the opposition of more than one-half of the Cabinet, a measure for the regulation i£r y SECKETABY OK WAIi B. MC CI,KI,1,A\. of foreign travel was introduced into Con- gress. General Butler inquired if it was to apply to National officials? If so, it would make it highly undesirable for a man of means, and still more for one without any — .suppos- ing it to apply to his salary — to become foreign ambassador. It was unequivocally laughed down. "The idiots!" groaned tho Chappaqua Farmer. " Don't they see these fellows woidd be better doing their duty to their country, by growing squash or pumpkin-pie ? " The settlement after tho Geneva Arbitra- tion, had been dragging slowly along. At last, mistaking busman, tho British Minister -it Washington undertook personally to point out to tho President what he con- sidered his errors injudgment. "You li< — villain I s Although a Saxon in race, the British Ambassador relishes Saxon no mora than Charles Sumner, and demands an apology. But Sumner views unadulterated Saxon in a very different way, when addressed to any other than himself. Tho President must make no apology. Then tho Minister tele- graphs home, receives an answer, and leaves the United: States. Sumner rubs his hands. " The. treaty I didn't make, will lx> crashed now." But English gold was at work in the lobby. Mrs. Ann S. Stephens tried to pour oU upon the troubled water. It was of no use. Victoria Woodhul] used her blandish- ments on the Head of the Nation. That head softened. Then Mrs. Richardson — formerly McFarland— and Mrs. Sinclair, got at him, by means of the husband of tho latter, his Private Secretary. Sumner, mean- while, has got an inkling of this. lie is as resolute as his chief; and is determined to manage foreign affairs without any inter- ference. Consequently, ho orders our Am- bassador to England home, and places an embargo on all British vessels. William Tweed is thunderstruck. Ho rushes to the President, and remonstrates warmly with him. Sumner is doing his best to ruin what little commerce the country has left after the war of tho Ro- bellion. A fierce scene and bitter recrimi- nation take place between tho two mem- bers of the Cabinet. This is enjoyed by the Sage of Chappaqua, who rubs his hands with delight, when, at last, Charles Sumner resigns. Mr. Tweed does not. He and the Secre- tary of the Interior are now masters of the situation, and an ample apology is tendered to Great Britain. Next day a scathing denunciation of this pusillanimity is made in Congress by Gen- eral Butler, while Sumner is interviewed by a correspondent of the Xeic York HerahU and roundly abuses the President for truck- ling to bluster. General Sherman, who had been expect- ing orders for the invasion of Canada, in- dignantly resigns his position as Commandor- ia-chief. Within the hour, McClcllan, who has, as ho formerly had, a keen eye for the main chance, applies for it. " What shall I do for a Secretary of War in that case?" cries tho President. "Be- t lien, I want a new Secretary of State. I How would yon l i K « ■ the place, Mr. Tweed i" '•Not at all, Mr. President I" Bays tin- Pi aanoial Secretary, buttoning up bis pocket. The first session of Congress, since -Mr. Greeley's nceeasion to the Presidency, had now come to an end, and be burned off to bis farm at Chappaqua, leaving the whole of the public business at sixes and sevens. Whitelaw Raid follows bin for tin- pur- pose of expostulation, and limls liim chop- ping trees :" •• Now! what's the use of bothering me? You managed the Tribune tor me, as.). Rus- sell Young, and Mr. (lay, ami that repro- bate, Dana, did before. Why, Dana is the very man. .Send tor him and manage mat- ters between you. You and be and Tweed will make a capital team." Colonel Forney, in the Philadelphia Press, has commenced publishing a series of vitu- perative letters on the policy of the govern- ment. •• What does he want, with his scoundrelly newspaper. I'll make him < 'ommander-in- < hief." As an angry answer was trembling upon the tongue of his confidant — Whitelaw Reid, Mr. Schurz is announced. He has just re- turned from Berlin. The German Kaiser j had, naturally enough, refused to receive one he regarded as a revolutionary firebrand, I while Prince Bismarck had publicly snub- bed him. He is whitely furious, and de- ! maads an oftiee. "There's only one, my dear Mr. Schurz, I and 1 was just geing to give it to Forney.'' j " He is a friend of Grant's, Mr. President 1" ■• But a newspaper man. Those fellows will take anything. I don't mean you, Whitelaw ! However, if you want it, Mr. Schurz ! you shall have it." " W r hat is it — Mr. President f " "Commander-in-chief." The ex-ambassador ha.s been an anny officer, and the Philosopher of Chappaqua will make him a Major-Geueral. It is the I1IK PRESIDENT Bl'U.YlXO: THE BRITISn AM- n^s\l> i: (Pagi \ el \ tiling. An otliee for lite. He'll take it. It will give him, with good manage ment. a splendid opportunity for paying off old grudges. Tearing his hair when he hears this, Whitelaw Reid returns to Washington. No sooner is Dana installed as the Seen- tary of State, than he assumes the game absolute control of Foreign Affairs which Sunnier had. Consequently, he recalls every ambassador Sunnier had appointed, save one. "Grant was an obstinate brute!" ex- claimed the irate Massachusetts statesman : ''but old Greeley is nothing but an idiot. Why did 1 resign my place in the Senate for one in the Cabinetf And win did- I resign that, to let in Dana?" At the succeeding session, in his lirst annual message, the President congratu- lated himself and the country upon having preserved peace with Great Britain — eulo- ized the management of the Treasury — feli- citated the manufacturing interests upon his having precluded skilled mechanics from Europe from settling in the seaboard and manufacturing towns — gave an eloquent description of the best way of growing cu cumbers, and recommended the appoint- ment of a Minister for Agriculture. To his horror, it is not only ridiculed by the press generally, but by the Hew Yo>-k /■hut in particular. THE PRESIDENT [MPLORING HIS SNUBBED AMBASSADOR TO BECOME COMMANDEli-DI-CHIEF, (Page 7.) "Look hei • — Ki\'I>arial Youmuststop it." •• Mr. President! on enterihgyour canvass, you dissolved your connection with the Tribune. I followed your example. Mr. Cummins is now (he editor of the Sim." "Cummins! Yes! I remember him — the black-hearted villain who abused poor Young so shamefully. Why don't you make him an Ambassador?" "I offered to do so, Mr. Presidenl ! *' '•Well!" whined out the Chief of Chap, paqua. "He declined acceptbig the pdsition." "Very well, then ! Mr. Hoffman, make out a warrant for the villain, and uive him rime to reflect in Fort Lafayette.*' " Pardon, me Mr. President ! " gravely re plied the Attorney-General, " but dori't you see — " "No! 1 don't. You're all of you conspir-. ing to drive me into a lunatic asylum 9 all of yon knaves ami idiots, and l>uj;lit to be shut up in Sing Siiifr." "Mr. President ! " Me astonished choral exclamation rang out from i lie lips of iu';irh the whole < labietu. ••No! No! I didn't mean yon, White law, Qor you, Mr. Boffman, uor-anj of you. But Bomebodj ought to be shut up there." Aftei this scene, the Cabinet determined the Philosopher Bhould write do more mes- sages. "Yon see, Mr. Boffman!" said the Sec- retary of Stale. •• he is — " Pausing suddenly, In- shrugged bis shoulders, in which he was imitated by the whole of the Cabinet, except Secretary Tweed, who was serenely meditating in what way lie might squeeze the largest amount of personal perquisite out of ah ap- propriation of twentv millions of dollars he had engineered through Congress, for the purpose of laying out a model farm for the Nation, adjoining the National Paris in the Yo-Semite Valley. This had been managed al the express wish of t he Farmer of < 'hap- paqua, who, it may lie needless to say, would never have entertained the slightest idea of Buch a magnificent agricultural en- terprise, had it not heen l'orthe active brain of his subordinate. A few days alter, it became known, that the \eteran followers of ex-President (Irant through the 'Wilderness, had made a lar^e Subscription to erect an equestrian statue, in the grounds of the Capitol, to the great General of the Republic. When the Philosopher heard this, he grew actually frantic, and ordered the ( 'om. niander in-chief to his presence. " Nobody ever subscribed for a statue to me," be ejaculated, "even enough for a model in plaster, when Dana proposed it. What right have the villains to do this? They shan't — at any i ate, while I'm load of the Nation." "I can't help it — .Mr. Frcsideirt ! " said General SchnrZ. " \\ h> cant you?" One of his well-known pleasant sneers curled the lips of the ( diiiinandei in chief "The soldiers have not forgotten their late g ene r a l— Mt. President! Thej would not sulimil to an feet, with regard to him, which strikes even myself, a- onrepublican ami arbitral \ ." "t* being known that be bad even left Washington. Tins may appear incredible, It is, however, the fact. Be had disguised himself in an entirely new suit of black broadcloth and a tall hat— presented to him by the female disci- ples of Free Love in New York — and was completely unrecognizable. The following morning there was conster. tuition in the Cabinet The President was absent from the White House. He could lie found nowhere. Upon in- quiry at the offices of the various railroads, it was positively declared he had not left Washington. What was to be done? They searched high and low for him— ?x>gan to have fears of suicide — dredged the Potomac, aud, before night, the news had parsed by telegraph, from one end of the Union to the other, that it was sus- pected the President of the United States had taken his own life. Mrs. President Greeley and his daughters, however, knew him too well, to entertain any fears of this — although his habits in his family circle had, latterly, greatly increased in singularity, and succeeded, at a late hour, in calming the fears of Secretary Iteid, and, in no small degree, relieving the mind of Vice- President Brown of his sympathetic hopes, when these eminent men had called to con- dole with them on the absence of their chief. When the Secretary had retired to rest, in consequence of what Mrs. Greeley had said, he succeeded m obtaining a balmy slumber, with dreams that he had once more returned to his old acquaintances and fried friends — the paste-pot and thescis sors — in his former editorial sanctum. At half past eight ho was however awakened, with scant ceremony, by Stuart, the head if the Kitchen Cabinet. His face was even more rosily white than Beihhad ever be fori' seen it. • Here's a telegram." • Where from .'"' ■ ( lhappaqua ! " The Secretary started up in his bed at once. Before opening the dispatch, he had divined the truth. It read thus: — " You are all idiot« or scoundrel* .' 11. G? Without the initials, the grandly Roman and obligatory simplicity, with which the telegram was worded, vouched for its au- thenticity. With a groan of disgust at his own folly, Whitelaw Reid smote his forehead with his clenched hand. It sounded empty, but neither himself nor Stuart noticed this. Here was a centre- temps. And so indeed it proved, for, by noon of that day, not a single place of any importance in the United States but had a bulletin in the doorway of its oue or two newspaper offices, announcing the fact. Even the Administration papers headed the announcement, " A Stupendous Hoax ! " But those which had supported Grant in the late election, and even some few of those which had opposed Greeley's predecessor, named it — ''Thk Infamous Fkaud of the .Presi- dent i " As may be supposed, the Cabinet were not over anxious to meet the Sage of Chap- paqua after this appeared, and Whitelaw Keid was even thinking of absenting him- self from Washington, when the members received an imperative summous to present themselves at the White House. They all obeyed, trembling, with the exception of Dana and Tweed. The iron hardihood of the fust, and the brazen aplomb of the lat- ter were imperturbable. "A pretty set ot lying tools you are," ex- claimed the Philosopher when he saw them, '• to bring me into this scrape 1 " "Mr. President," said Dana reprovingly, • tf you dress yourself in this unwonted manner, you could only expect — " 11 DBEDQIVa TIIK POTOMAC 1*0 U THE BODY OF Tin: PRESIDENT. (Page 10.) " In what maimer ? " Bavagely demanded the Bage, who, by tliis time, had totally for- gotten tin' unwanted variation In his attire. The Secretary of State pointed to a tall mirror. His chief looked in it, and started back, in uncontrollably disgusted astonishment. He could not recognize his own reflection, al- though, from never — since quitting Wash- ington — having applied the brush to his new raiment, he resembled his former self much more nearly than he had done, two days earlier. After a few minutes he whined out, in an appealing tone : — " Hut you needn't have told the cursed newspapers I'd hung or drowned myself, Whitelaw | They call it my infamous kbaud — mine! You've seen what Marble says. He'll never let up on me." The Attorney-General could not avoid a griin smile. " Harsh words break no bones," he said, "as I and the Secretary of the Treasury learned, some three years since." " I didn't want to learn it, though, in my own person," exclaimed the President. " I must write to Marble." " You'd better not, Mr. President," cried the Secretary of the Navy, energetically. " By no means," ejaculated MeClellan. " It's no use stirring up a stinking dish," observed Tweed, "when you can't turn a dollar, by doing 60." ( Dana alone applauded the determination i .: the Philosopher. He, as well as President (ireccial courier. Un- fortunately, its contents are lost to the world, as ho took it with him to his oflice, and, after a good hour spent in attempting, in vain, fully to decipher its contents, burned it. What the result of such an act of insub- ordination might have been, it would have been difficult to say; but events of so much graver importance followed, that this letter- entirely passed from memory. Upon the next afternoon, the ltebel Ex- President, whom the Sage had so mag- nanimously bailed, moved by an intense admiration for one whom he esteemed more pig-headedly obstinate than he himself had ever been, arrived in the Capital for the purpose of personally expressing his grate- ful admiration. The President felt a recip- rocal sympathy for the man, the signature of whose bail-bond earned so many par- doned rebel votes for his own election. He consequently directed the chief of his Kitch en Cabinet to arrange a meeting with him Stuart was shocked, but dared say noth- ing. He accordingly hurried off to Secre- tary Keid, and laid the matter before him. Within the hour Whitelaw had requested the remainder of the Cabinet to meet him, on a matter of private emergency, in his own house. 12 THE PRESIDENT, IN HIS SHIRT-TAIL, IN- DITES a TELEGRAM TO His SECRETARY iik THE INTERIOR; What was liis astonishment, on detailing the information he had received, to be made cognizant of a positive division of opinion in the members! Secretaries Tweed and McClellan, with the Attorney -General, approve of it as a pobtic measure towards the South, while the Secretary of State is indifferent. No positive protest from the Cabinet, as a whole, can be procured against the de- termination of the Republican President. When the meeting has broken up, the Secretary of the Interior seizes his hat, and, without waiting to summon his carriage, rushes to the nearest hack-stand, hails one, and is driven to the White House. A stormy scene takes place between him and liis chief. " Who's master here, you villain— vou or I •" " If you insist upon being what you call yourself — master — in this instance, Mr. President ! you have very little further use for me." On returning to his house, Secretary Reid indites tli,' Farmer of Chappaqua a formal tetter of resignation— coldly virtuous and loftily indignant. 1 '.(tore receiving it, however, the Presideut imagines that he has solved the difficulty between himself and the Secretary. lie invites Jeff". Davis to pay him a visit at Chappaqua, and starts by the next train, .Mr. Davis follows him. In these days, every action of a public man is almost immediately known. A double-leaded editorial appears tiie next day in the New York HeraUl. It openly denounces the President as in trea- cherous ((illusion with Jeffi Davis. "The present is of a piece with his past history. Did he not advise .mr government, at the commencement of the Rebellion, to let the South got Did he not go hail for the trai- torous ex-President .' Whal does this new action mean \ Is he actually contemn,., tin- the working out of his old programme — the eternal separation of the North and South .'" This article is read, ii. General Butler, before a full house in Congress, and re- ceived with tremendous applause by the enemies of the Administration. Senator Conkling animadverts upon it in the Senate, but Vice-President Brown is, luckily,!!) indisposed at the time, and is con- sequently not present. Even the supporters of the President have nothing to say. It is generally known that the man, who had been mainly instrumental in procuring his election, has resigned. Angry denunciations are, however, lev- eled by the independent and clear Repub- lican Press against the leading members of the Cabinet. The only honest member of it has bolted out of Washingt m. Yes! Whitelaw Reid has started for New York, and arrives there to find the city in open revolution. Regretting his old chief's obstinate incapacity to see any thing beyond the point of his nose, in a moment of chivalrous feeling, he defends him in the teeth of the armed mob which has collected in the open space in front of the City Hall. "We thought you'd resigned — " " YourV as bad as he is — " " Shoot the rascal—" *> i I " No! i it and feather him." No sou ler w i ■ tins proposal beard than the mob surges up the .steps of the Hall. Whltelaw Reid runs towards the room of tin' Mayor, 'mi is caught b\ the ringlead ere when barely balf-iyay there. He is, at once, half-stripped. Where the materials for their savage work came from, who Bhall saj .' 'mi in a linv minutes he is tarred and feathered by their eagerly vindictive hands, after which he is hunted mil of Mir United States, across tin' river, into New Jeraej . Then the mob determine to march upon Chappaqna, with the purpose of banging President Greeley ami JeU. Davis. Luckily tor tin- two. the newa of this lias been telegraphed to Washington. The Secretaries of state and War manage to arrive there before them. They inform the President of the danger which menaces himself and his friend. ■ Great Heaven!" ejaculated bhe former, ••what have I donej Because they made me their chief magistrate, won't they let me have an interesting conversation with a man who is destined to live in history .' " ■After he is hung — Mr. President, at your side," dryly Suggests Dana. -A very unpleasant mode of existence in history." quietly remarks General Mc- Clellan. In a few hours tin' insurrectionary moli will have reached Chappaqna. The Presi- dent and rebel Kx-I'resident must fly to Washington. How are they to get there I The whole country will, perchance, have risen. Quailing with the memory of his past, Davis suggests disguise. Old Abe and himself nave both afforded illus- trious examples of its presumed value, in their own cases, in the last twelve years. After some difficulty, the Sage of Ghap- paqna consenl -. lie is djisgnised as an old farm-woman. There was some difficulty in providing, for his tall figure, sufficiently long petticoats. Jeff. Davis is to attire W'lllTKI.AW REID IV IMS SIIIKI-i Ml,, RE- CEIVES THE TELEORAU FROM ill PRESI- DENT. (Page in.) ic-iiselt in a I ishi win: li will pass h !ii along the road as the sister of the l'resi dent. When once in Washington, he will have to pass on immediately to his resi deuce in Memphis. The Foreign Secretary is to go with them, but suggests that Mc Glellan shall remain to argue with tho infn riate eiowd. "No, 1 thank yon," says the cautiously astute Meridian. « You see, I have no troops here with me; besides, the matter does not exactly belong to my department. General Schurz is not at hand, and I think a masterly and speedy retreat should at once take place." I'pon the cars they heard that the inline diate insurrection was beginning to agitate Baltimore, and, on drawing near that city. the chief of our great country, who was sitting with a huge woolen comforter round his throat, and his white hair tucked back into a poke-bonnet, was tapped on the shoulder. Glancing furtively up, he recog- nized the waiter who had helped to concea him behind the bar at Windust's eating house, during the former New- York riots. ••Never you mind, my ould boy," the man whispered, "if I do know ye. 1 won't split on ye." ••All virtue is not then lost." The pet tiroab-d President dries his eyes, as he. li.st- 14 / FFXX>NT> SECRETARY OF STATE — DANA. mmi, from the starting tears, with the end of his shawl, .and adds. "If I get to Wash- ington in safety, my good fellow, yon shall have a place." "No ye don't; none of that, now. A clerkship doesn't pay." 'When he arrives at the White Rouse he would not have obtained admittance in his disguise, but for Sinclair, his private secre- tary, who happened to be in the doorway, and heard the now pathetic treble of his broken voice. " This way, Mr. President." No sooner has the sage entered his pri- vate room 1 , and before he has removed a ahi< d of his disguise, than Sinclair burst forth, with an utter disregard of official de- eoi-uua — " my poor old friend! only to think of it!" " Of what f " testily demands the philos- opher. " A debate is taking place in Congress for the purpose of impeaching you of High Treason." " Impeach me ! Guilty of High Treason ! The infernal villains!" shrieked out the President. " Send for Whitelaw Keid." As Sinclair was unaware that the letter of resignation of the confidential Secretary bad not as vet reached his master, while he knew that tin* former had left the Cabinet, and was then, in all probability, in New York — he hesitated. Was the grand brain of his venerable chief actually unhinged t While revolving this mournful iK>ssibility, the door opened. Yes! It is the Ex -Secre- tary. " Why — what has happened to you," whines out the Sage, of Chappaqua, "my deai- Whitelaw !» "I might ask you, Mr. President, a simi- lar question." They gaze in consternation at each oth- er. Reid'a face is still streaked with the tar, which he has been unable entirely to remove, while his hair is matted with tht« remains of it and a few feathers. The Head of the Nation is clad in the dilapi dated garments of an old woman. He falls upon the neck of his former subordi- nate, sobbing wildly. After this momentary burst of emotion, the President recovers himself, disrobes, and resumes his usual appearance and equanimity. The ex-Secretary consents to withdraw his resignation, and a Cabinet meeting is called for the same night, at a late hour. It was then past ten o'clock. The meeting was grave and sombre. How was the immediate trouble in New York to be suppressed. The Commander-in-Chief proposes collecting the regular troops rap- idly, and marching, within twenty-four hours, upon the city. McClellan decidedly objects. " A large army is required for such an expidition — engineers, stores, money — " "Yes! "says Tweed, energetically, "money is the. thing." "Have you any, Mr. Tweed?" asks the white-haired Sage of the Secretary. " I am sony to say — No ! Mr. President, but it can be raised." Whitelaw Keid stares at him in astonish- ment. " When you entered on your office, sir .' [5 he said, "that miserable Yankee, Boutwell, had millions of gold in the Treasury." "The unavoidable expenses of theGoveru ment," answered the unruffled Tweed, "have left onlj a balance <>f ;i few thousands." '•Ami tin" taxes and oustoms receipts, air !" exclaimed Dana energetically. "Troubles with Europe and ;ii home — farm in the Xb-Semite Vallej — secrel 861 vice," began tlic unabashed financial minis- ter, "and a thousand other necessary ex- penses have — " "This maj come np subsequently, Mr. President!" said the Attorney-General, •• we must deal with the matter in hand.'' Their chief had been plunged in sorrow- fid reflection. Now, when addressed Uj 63 Governor Hoffman, he looked up, and asked with a troubled voice whether Mr. Tweed was willing to proceed to New York, for the purpose of raising the monej nec- essary to pacify it. "I am, Mr. President ! " As General Schurzwas about angrily to protest, the chief of the Kitchen Cabinet ran in, without asking for permission to cuter. It was now four o'clock in the morn- ing. He had been watching the debate in Congress. Butler's motion for impeach- ment had been defeated. The ministers were about applausively to utter their ap- probation, when the Secretary of the Navy a-sked : — M By how large a vote, Mr. Stuart f " " Seven, majority !" " Why, my friends in the IIoum-, this year, numbered three to one," cried the 1 'resident. " How was that ? " "Mr. President! lam sorry to tell you," mumbled the Kitchen-factotum, " numbers of them were absent, and a large part of them voted against you." The face of the Philosopher become even whiter than his hair as he heard this. He muttered something to himself, almost in- audibly, of which the only words heard, were — "and I was, two years since, so i>opular." However, the Immediate danger i" the 1 Administration was over. Tin- next daj Secretary Tweed was in New Ifork. On the following 'i;i\ Genera] Schurz whipped the insurgents who had burned the farm house of the President at Chappaqua, with a small body of Regulars; ami in two days more, the country was again quiet, and every symptom of discontent had been suppressed lis the agency of the sword, ami the still grander panacea for all l tan trouble, the Almightv Dollar. In consequence of this, the Secretary ol the Treasury became the predominant power in the Cabinet, and his chief reposed an almost unlimited confidence in him. 11ms. the Government, instead of being any longer a Composite one, became, in reality, Demo- cratic, andWhitelawBeid felt himself com- pelled to retire from the Secretaryship of the Interior. Perhaps he might have accepted a foreign Embassy, but Dana turned a deaf ear to all his hints to such effect. This necessitated his return to his editorial func- tions, in an inferior position, and with a large amount of bitterness stowed away for subsequent use. A flew Minister of the Interior was a ne- cessity, and Seere to ry Tweed suggested Bel- mont. He was, however, engaged in business, and the memory of his predecessor's diffi- culty with regard to A. T. Stewart, pre- vented the. President, in a moment when he was not suffering from the terrible fits of mis anthropical abstraction which were almost becoming chronic, from offering him the po- sition. '• I'll send to Russia Ibr ex-Senator Fen- ton," he at last said, after a lengthy discus- sion had resulted in nothing. This crafty politician had been sent there as ambassBr dor by Sumner, who was afraid of him — a point, of wisdom in which his succes.sor had so thoroughly concurred, that, in making a cle^n sweep of Sumner's appointments. Fen- 16 AFFECTING INTERVIEW OF THE PRESIDENT, IN HIS SECOND DISQURE AS AN OLD "VVUMAN, WITH HIS TABBED AND FEATHERED SECRETARY. Page L7 FLIGHT i F G. RANCIS TRAIN FBOM THE WRATHKl'!. PRESIDENT AND HIS BNKAGED CA1 INET. Page ! 0. ton was the only ambassador he did mot re- calL '• Won't he be the very maul" Tweed shook his head, in which action he was coincided with by every member of the < 'abinet, whatever political brush they might be .striped with. •• Be is fur better where he is," laconically observed Secretary Bowles. "Then settle it among yourselves," snap- pishly retorted the President. "I'll be off to — " he was about to add" Chappaqua," but the word stuck iii his throat. Henceforth, memory tabooed the delicious retreat of his mature manhood to his gradually hastening age. " I'll go, Mr. Tweed ! to the Yo-Semite Valley, and inspect your new model farm." For a moment Tweed's well-bronzed face became well-nigh ghastly. Quickly recov- ering himself, however, he said, with one of his chuckling laughs : — " It will be in a better condition, next year, for inspection, Mr. President!" " Or the year after," cynically suggested 1 >ana. " Or, when the national debt is paid off," he added with malignant emphasis. "George Francis Train will do as well as anybody else," suddenly ejaculated the Pres- ident. " I'll have him." -For what?" exclaimed the Postmaster- GeneraL "Secretory of State 1" was the strident response. " It shall be Train or Feuton. On one of the two I am determined. The Sage's foot was down. He was im- movably obstinate. If he had named any- one else than Fenton, any one else would have been accepted by the. Cabinet, in pref- erence, to Train. Against this double choice its members struggled for at least ten days, but in the end gave way. They had pro- longed their resistance until the session of Congress had terminated. Otherwise, Gen- eral Butler or might have renewed this motion of impeachment against the Pre- midpnt, with far better chances of success. George Francis was .summoned accord- ingly to Washington, and lit there like a spread eagle. On his way there, he had been interviewed by the editor of the New York Erprexx — his old friend and admirer. "At last," he said, in this interview, "1 shall have the chance of causing the recu- peration of this glorious laud from the store in which she has been plunged by long years of mismanagement. Down with the Bed Cross of Great Britain ! The wide folds of the Stars and Stripes shall immerse the earth, from Pole to Pole, in their luminous radiance. The Eagle of Freedom, from the summit of the Catskill, shall pom- forth her cock-a-doodle-doo Pajan of Triumph. The Irishman shall embrace the Chinese, and the Indian caress the Nigger, in the light of Universal Freedom about to blaze from the bosom of the expansive Prairies." It was with the most intense delight James Brookes gave this sublime burst to the people of the United States. But, to their shame, it seems scarcely to have im- pressed them as it had done him. Indeed, a leader in the New York Times announced the gratification which must be experienced by two madmen in embracing each other. "The one of these," it said " is George Francis Train. "Who the other may be, we leave to the common sense of onr readers to determine." To tell the truth, at this time, doubts respecting the sanity of the Sage of Chap- paqua began unreasonably to obtain cur- rency. Politicians of every class among the disappointed supporters of ex-President Grant, from Senator Conklin to Wendell Phillips, indulged in them freely, although unjustly. Whatever may have been the re- sult subsequently, at this time there can- not be the slightest doubt that the Presi- dent was as completely sane as half the criminals who escape the gallows, on this plea, undoubtedly are. 18 Till: 1 KKSIDKN I s KI.KillT IN HIS SKCONI) MMDIOE BAXIK TO WASHINGTON. tPage 18.) The first meeting between President (iree- ley and his new Secretary was affecting in Mm extreme. " I am an old man, Mr. Train," said the Philosopher whimperingly, " and have been scandalously deceived by the black-hearted scoundrel who preceded you. He wanted his own way iu everything, and had not the (■lightest respect f'<>r my white hairs — the infernal idiot! So, I'll just hint to yon to talk no more balderdash to any one, as you did to that very worthy but soft-headed Jim Hrookes. I've some little common sense, and don't value Buncombe, one continental copper. Now, be off with you, and get to work.* 1 When, with the feathers of his mental tail considerably drooping under this re- freshing reception, Secretary Train had re- tired from his first meeting with his chief, the latter muttered to himself — " I must li3ve been going crazy when I sent after this addle-pated ass. But now it's done, it can't be helped. Thank hea- ven I that reprobate Dana and the worthy Secretary of the. Treasury will cut his comb for the damned idiot" Then bowing his blanched head in his hands, he ejaculated in a tearful treble, "There ure only two years of my term of office gone yet, and I don't know whether I'm a Republican or a Democrat Pm certain [oncewasaBepub [lean. Oh, dear I — why didn't I remain an editor, with a proprietary in Bhares to look after me J Hut, in any case," he addect rla mg, and striking his clenched hand upon the table by which he had been sitting, " I will have my own way." For a week or t WO the President is left in peace — that is t<> say, comparative peace. Not so, the ( 'abinet Secretary Train is unable to manage his own share in its duties well, and conse- quently thrusts his finger into every other official pie. As long as possible, the other members endured this, until at length the smoldering wrath broke out. " What is the matter, gentlemen 1 " de- manded the President. Secretary Tweed motioned the Secretary of State or the Attorney-General to speak. However, before, either of them could utter a word, the irrepressible George Fran- cis had leaped to his feet. With his coa<> tail tucked under one arm and the gesture of an indignant harlequin, he jerked out the following denunciatory commencement of an explanation — " The matter is this, Mr. President. Sec- retary Dana is an overbearing blockhead, William M. Tweed is a swindling humbug, General MtOlellan an ass, ex-Governor Hoffman a stilted jackanapes, Postmaster Halstead only fit for a clerkship in his own department, and Sam Bowles is nothing but a scribbling idiot. You are ! — pardon me for saying so — Mr. President ! the big- gest " Until he reached this point, astonishment at the insolently unofficial truth or false- hood — as the case might be — of the new Secretary of the Interior, had held them mute. Now, such a perfect Babel of abuse is poured upon him from every side, that he is 20 unable to force another word in, edgeways. The 'Cabinet i ting of thai day became a veritable Pandemonium. The only figure that seems to dominate it all is surmounted bya tresh looking face framed in white hair. Its eyes are flashing as much as gray eyes ran, and from its lips a tew iuterjectional sentences occasionally thrust themselves upon the hearing. These are uttered in a furious and angrily excited treble, and are shapen in something like this fashion : — ••You lie, you black-hearted villain— gray hairs — where am I '. — you OUghl to be in Sing Sing, you idiot — lunatic asylum — in- fernal reprobates — a scoundrelly madman — Bird of Freedom — you arc all rascally asses — you lie, you lie — cock-a-doodle-doo 1 " Then George Francis Train, Secretary of the Interior for less than two weeks, is ap- palled bya more energetic Saxon eloquence than lie could ever hope to rival. He vanishes from the room, leaving the tail of his coat in the hands of the vener- I able Philosopher, and is followed in his rapid retreat by the remainder of the justly incensed members of the Cabinet. The w hite-haired Sage of Chappaqua is left alone in the chamber. Still pouring out a volley of frenetic Saxon expletives — still clenching with an aged but rigorous grasp the fragment of the coat- tail which he had rent from the garment of his refractory subordinate, he is in a state of positive frenzy for many hours. It was, of course, impossible to conceal this from the press. The opposition journals imagined what thej did not positively know, and grossly ex- aggerated its incidents. One headed thenar- ative of it, as — " The Attempt to Murder his Secretary op the Interior by the President." This was, it is needless to explain, an infamous libel upon so tender- hearted a six-footer as the Farmer of Chap- paqua. Had he not, when in the prime of life.as the apostle of non-resistance, meekly allowed a cane to be broken upon his own broad back, in the streets of Washington t Tersely emphatic as his Saxon eloquence might be, his greyly calm eyes symbolized tin' benevolent tranquility of his nature, to which the Administration press— with many i of the outspoken opposition journals — did ample justice. Harper's Illustrated Paper did even more. It typified him as an old woman. But, without a solitary exception, every journal published in the United States con- gratulated the people upon being rid of George Francis Train. Unfortunately, theresultof these Cabinet bickerings and squabbles, which had, for a lengthy period, in some degree manifested itself in the President, now became start- lingly apparent. His mental faculties were terribly unnerved. Indeed, their prostra- tion, but for his vital force of character, must have stretched him upon a bed of sickness. So evident, indeed, did this become, that his political enemies actually began to talk of his lunacy. It was at this period that the well-known snrgeon, Dr. Stone, was summoned by Mrs Greeley to prescribe for him. . This was of no use. He brooded over what had passed— became, still more gloomy and morose, and finally, upon being urged by the members of his Cabinet to dismiss the Sec- retary of the Interior (George Francis Train had disappeared from Washington, without considering it necessary to send in his res ignation) and appoint another, shrilly ejac- ulated — " Send for Old Gid. I'll have him." He then absolutely declined .to utter an- other word. Secretaries Dana and Tweed, very med- dlingly as it must appear, considered it necessary to wait upon the lady of the President, and advise her to call in Dr. Carnochan. On consultation with his at- .- TABBING ami ki'.atiikkim; wim ki.au i:i:ii>. (P&ge 18'. tendaut physician, she decided upon tele- graphing to New York tor this eminent m dical iii:m. When he arrived, after inter- vikjwing his illustrious patient, Dr. Stone lanied turn into an adjoining room, andgave.him a succinct professional detail Of the manner in which he had treated him. ■rm! ignite right. But he is tfo better f" ••<);i tli«' contrary, much worse." At'tera few moments' reflection, (Jarnochan blurted out a tew words in the ear of his professional brother. "I don't dare order it." -win r» " He wouldn't take it if I did. He is So frightfully opposed to all stimulants." ••Then let him take it i:i (he shape of medicine.? The Washington medical man was right. The Philosopher's principles were too ear- nestly severe, with regard to the use of alcohol, for him hare-facedly to order his use of it. Dr. Oarnochan accordingly drew up the following prescription — " R. Spts. Vint GaUici. Vini Rvibruth aa. Oss. Acid Citric, Saech. Alb., Sue. Limoriis, aa, q, 1." '• Fiat Mist. — A winegktssful to be taken four times a day, half tin hour before meals." So profoundly ignorant was President 22 Greeley of the flavor of every stimulating liquid, that he followed the prescription without the slightest repugnance. Indeed, he observed to his Secretary that the, flavor was rather pleasant than otherwise. Ho even requested him to taste it. Mr. Sinclair, however, shook his head. He had an aversion to drugs. Anything else required by his chief ho would have done. Had he tasted it, he might — but, what is the use of speculation in matters of fact ? The effect of the prescription was, for a u time, marvelous. The Sago almost at once regained his former strength of mind and temper. Two days subsequently he attended a meeting of the Cabinet. So evidently and fastly was he recuperating, that one of his ministers was already com- plimenting him upon his restoration to health, when he put a sharp question to them. This distinctly enough proved his memory as acute and his brain as clear as either of them had ever been. " How is it," he demanded, " that Oid Welles isn't here ? " Secretary Tweed did not appear to be aware of the imperative treble of this ques- tion — ex-Governor Hoffman's long chin was elevated, as ho seemed to be contemplating the ceiling — Sam Bowles's philosophic mind was exhausting itself in regarding the soles of his boots — the Military Secretary appear- ed to be engrossed in active attention to his finger -ring and wrist-bands; while Murat Halstead was wrapt in a brown study. But Mr. Dana, whose resolute nerve never shrank from the performance of any duty, however painful, at the expense of another, at once replied. " We considered — Mr. President ! that your mind, when you mentioned ' Old Gid,' might have been a trifle unhinged by recent t 'abinet troubles, and — " " Unhinged ! " " And concluded that — " " You wouldn't obey me, you rascally idiots. What do yon take me for? Un- BECOND SECRETARY Of THE INTERIOR, G. F. TRAIN. lunged — indeed ! Train shall be removed." "That, of course, Mr. President," "White hairs, you villains! symbolize experience and wisdom. Gid Welles is whiter-haired than I am. So you shall have him, whether you object or not." " I don't object," stoutly said Mr. Tweed. "But you must be aware — Mr. President! the people — " " What, sir 1 " " Might laugh at you ! " " Laugh at me, you vagabond ! At me ! Didn't they place me in my present lofty position ? Are not all my mistakes and blunders owing to you — you idiotic; scoun- drels? If you don't like Old Gid, you may — * "But— Mr. President! I do." The Financial Secretary had been cowed by their chiefs resumption of all his former Saxon vigor of speech, and the whole of the Cabinet, with the exception of Mr. Dana, coincided in feeling with him. The matter was therefore settled. No sooner had Secretary Welles assumed his position, than matters within the Cabinet began to work more smoothly. His thick- 28 THE PRESIDENTIAL DANCK OK TRIUMPH WITH (J. FRANCIS TRAIN 'g COAT TAIL. skullcsl tranquility of brain acted as a non- conductor to the vital electricity of the Head of tJio Nation. Besides, the. physicians of tho latter were no longer in attendance. After realizing the beneficial effects of their prescription, the President began to employ it, in larger and more frequent doses. These had restored his temper to more than its normal condition. But, Mr. George Francis Train -was not disposed to sit down as quietly, under the loss of his position as head of the Cabinet, as Whitelaw Reid had done. He began once more to lecture. His first lecture was singularly offensive. He styled this lecture —"The Loss op my Coat-Tail; ok, the Lunacy of Old Horace." 1 Necessarily, he exposed himself to ecn- , siderablo censure for doing this. Such, however, is the unavoidable rancor of extreme partisanship, that he was awarded unqualified praise by the Republican jour- nals, as one of the noblest patriots. " He bad quitted a Cabinet n — so they said — " in ' which Ins love I'm lus oountrj would not permit him t<> remain." Indeed, a nrritei in the Boston Traveller dubbed him the •• American I rracchus." The New York Times reported this lee ture in full. Winn tin- Sage ofOhappaqua read it, he auai hematized George Frauds iii his most vigorous Saxon. Nevertheless, bears Billed his eyes as he did so, and he felt compelled to a reckless use of the presorip tion Dr. Oamochan had written fur him. For the time this re-invigorated him, and he brusquely demanded of his new Secretary of the Interior — "What, is to be done with the lying villain !" Old (lid shook his head gravely. "In time, .Mr. President, he will wear himself out.'' "Yes! You white-haired idiot!" shrilly ejaculated the Philosopher, "when I am worn out myself." "Certainly Mr. President! it may be so. n "Can't we try him for High Treason? Didn't Congress endeavor to impeach mo?" he then asked of the Attorney-General. As Old Gid again shook his head nega tively, Mr. Hoffman replied with his usual grave suavity — " In our country, Mr. President, every ono may talk as he pleases. And, you see, he is only talking.'' That night, the President took sevoral more doses of his inestimable prescriptiou than ever Dr. Carnochan might have con- sidered advisable. In consequence of this, he became at one moment strangely tender hearted, and at another madly irascible. Now he would level a volley of Saxon ex- pletives indifferently at any who were pres- ent, and then he wotdd embrace his Private Secretary with a burst of what, in a less elevated nature, might have seemed idioti' 1 /aughter. Accustomed as she had formerly been to tho singularities of her Ulustrious husband's temper, Mrs. Greeley became positively 24 a SECOND SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR — rj id. \\ ■ . i LS. frightened. Never, iii her long years of connubial happiness, had she beheld The present Head of the Nation in such a condi- tion. Dr. Stone was immediately sent for. But, when he arrived, the President was buried in a blissful slumber, with his mouth wide open and a placid smile upon it. To Mrs. Greeley's pathetic appeal, the surgeon re- plied, after a careful examination of the patient, " that there was no immediate danger.'' Then, requesting her to retire, he promised to watch by the side of the couch upon which the body of his illustrious but unconscious patient lay stretched. No sooner was he left alone with the slum- bering President and his faithful Private Secretary, than the latter laid bis hand upon the arm of the physician. " I hope and trust, my dear Doctor!" he said, "you will not permit the question [am about to put to you to be repeated to others. Bis Excellency President Greeley has al- ways been a strictly temperate man. Mind, Doctor! I am only supposing what I sa; may not bis late political annoyances have induced him to— to " As Mr. Sinclair paused, scarcely knowing how to proceed, the Doctor trembled so visibly, that, had it not been for the Secre- tary's agitation, he must have seen it. What if it should ever come to the knowledge ot the Sage of Chappaqua that he had con- roved with Dr. Carnochan in the prescrip- tion that eminent man had written for him? He was, however, shrewd enough to quickly suppress all out ward evidence of his trepida- tion. "Certainly not— Mr. Sinclair!" he curtly enough answered. " Purely a caseof physical prostration from intense mental anxiety." ■•Thank Heaven !" murmured the anxious questioner, as, with a fervent grasp of the physician's hand, he left him alone with the placid figure unconsciously stretched upon the COUCh beside him. Upon the succeeding morning, when the President recovered consciousness, after a few moments, during which his gray eyes were occupied in wandering about the apart- ment, they recognized the physician. " Why — what are you doing here. Doc- tor ' " he querulously inquired. " Mr. President ! I grieve to say you have been very ill. Yoiu' family sent for me." " The infernal idiots ! " fractiously ex- claimed the Philosopher, at once erecting himself upon the couch in a sitting position, " I haven't been ill — never felt better in. my life. My tongue is a little parched — that's all. Where is my medicine .'" " It was of that I was about to speak, Mr. President. I fear that you have not confined yourself to the exact number of doses that" — he was about to have said " ;r<"," but, after a brief pause, added — •• Dr. Carnochan ordered you to take daily." The Philosopher was just on the point of crying out "you lie, you villain!" when his glance followed the outstretched finger of the medical man, and rested upon three emptied bottles which were standing on a bureau at the farther side of the room. The labels indicated that liny had come from the chemist. Daring the slumber of his 25 GRATZ BBOWn's UNQUALIFIED [NDOKSEMEKT OF DH. CARNOCHAN'S PRESCRIPTION. patient, the medical man had examined them. As a conscientious historian, we may add that he had tasted the remaining por- tion, ami, indeed, had finished the contents of the last bottle. ""Weill" whimpered oat the Sage of qua, •• what if I did ' It benefited me. 1 couldn't help it." ••That may lie, Mr. President I Bui some medicines are a slow poison, when they are taken too freely." •• And this. Doctor" — •• May prove one, if you indulge in it more than necessary. •• Hut 1 did not." •• A-e you entirely certain of that, Mr. President .'" asked the physician. '•Why, of course I am." "Then," said the Doctor curtly, " there is nothing more to lie said about it. Hut re- member, nov *''"* yon h ive recovered your normal strength, my advice is, that hence forth you altogether abstain from it." ice of the Head of the Nation hail grown sensibly paler, as he listened to the words of his medical adviser. I If was evi- dently thinking. Nor were his thoughts, as translated by his broad and philosophic fea tares, inclined to run against tie' surgeon's directions. Indeed, this day and the next, he implicitly followed his advice. He felt, how- ever, 80 unlike his former self — his Saxon tongue was deprived of all its customary fluency, in conversation with his subordi- nates — that towards the close of the second day he .summoned Mr. Stuart. "Look here, Stuart !'" he said, -what is your opinion of the relative merits, as doc- tors, "f Stone and t'arnochan .'" " What do yon mean to ask, Mr. Presi- dent?" asked the head of the kitchen-cabi- net. 26 •• What l say— you fool ! " ejaculated the Sage of Chappaqua. « Why don't you an- swer me ! Which Ls the best doctor— Car- nochan or Stone ? " •• In ;* critical case, Mr. President ! J may, I think, say that I should unhesitatingly prefer J)r. Carnochan, although lie is a I democrat. •• A I democrat ! Eh '. " inquiringly ejacu- lated the Philosopher; "didn't Democrats bring me in as President I I didn't ask you, you idiot ! about his political opinions." " He is certainly— Mr. President! the most . anient surgeon of the two." -So I thought. 1 shall follow his advice implicitly." •'You are certainly right." " Of course I am. Go and order me, im- mediately, six bottles of the prescription given me when he was here." The kitchen factotum of the President at once obeyed the imperative order of his master. He vanished from the apartment. On the same evening the Sage of Chap- paqua had made a special appointment with the Vice-President to confer with him on a matter which he considered of vital import- ance to the morals of Washington, as they were affected by the largo body of clerks male and female, who were at this time em- ployed in the public offices in Washington. Economy, as he had always contended, was a largely necessary element in all good gov- ernments. The salaries of these officials were at least twenty-five per cent, higher than was required, when they were regarded relatively with his own salary and those of the other members of the Administration. We ha v.i understood that Mr. Brown scarcely agreed with him. Indeed, he was about to skite his objec- tions, when the Philosopher's personal do- mestic brought into the apartment, the medicine which had been been made up promptly by the chemist on receiving Hie order from Mr. Stuart. It would tx un- necessary to Bay that for the moment the discussion was dropped. The evening was close and sultry, and the Sage of Chappaqua bade the man bring him in sonic iced water. While he was gone, the President took up one of the bottles and stripped it of its paper covering. '• Your medicine. I see," said Mr. Brown. " Yes." "Will you allow me to extract the cork for you." At the same time his Vice withdrew a delicate-looking cork-screw from his vest pocket. By no means unfrequently am such instruments to be found in the per- sonal possession of our Western magnates. as they used to be in that of our Southern ones. Even in the East they arc occasionally carried. The President looked grave. Al- though unacquainted personally with the use of such au instrument, he was too sagacious not to understand the purpose for which it was carried in the pocket of his subordinate. Hje was, however, at the moment too anxious for a glass of the heal- ing fluid, to comment upon the presence of the corkscrew on the person of that gentle- man. As Mr. Brown withdrew the cork from the bottle, he seemed to recognize the delicate aroma which reached him. As he did so, he lifted the flask to his nose, smelt it, ami smiled slightly. " Who was it gave you this prescription. Mr. President?" "Dr. Carnochan." "Undoubtedly, a very able man ?"' " I am gratified to hear you say that he is," replied the Sage. " Will you allow me to taste it *" " Of course I will. Yon won't find it at all unpleasant." "I should think not," exclaimed the Vice energetically. Then, after he had nioits than half tilled a tumbler, he raised it to his lips, saying. " it has been prescribed for ■27 mo, and l consider it au admirable medicine. I do not invariably take it, but, really, rather liko it when I do." " Ami it does you no harm T" "Not a bit," .said Gratz Brown, smack in;; his lips. "Ton are sure of thatf" demanded the President. " I should rather think l was," responded the Vice, with a hearty laugh. "You don't know, Mr. Brown, how thoroughly you have eased my mind by giving me your candid opinion." The domestic had now brought in the leed water ami retired. The Sage of ( lhappaqua took the allowance prescribed for him, and, as ho felt the invigorating fluid resuscitating his old energy, burst out in the vigorous Saxon which has become so well known in modern oratory — '• Would you believe, sir, that the infernal idiot, Dr. Stone, told me it was a slow poison, and advised me altogether to abstain from toking it after my recovery." "Did her "Don't I tell you, he did?" "Certainly, sir." ""What could have been his reason?" "Jealousy of Dr. ('amoeban," tersely ob- served the Vice-President, adding, "with your permission, Mr. President, I will try some more." lie did so. So did the Philosopher. It is to be regretted by those who had, until this time, regarded the Sago of Chap- paqua in almost a superhuman light, that ho permitted his subordinate to continue his attention to the prescription of Dr. Carnochan, and that he, also, himself fol- lowed his example. In fact, tho result of Gratz Brown's opinion was such that when that gentleman rose — it must be owned, somewhat unsteadily — to quit the presence of his superior, the last was chanting in a tolerably loud and Bacchanalian, although cracked voice, totally unfit for Operatic exorcise — " t'urry the BBWI to llirnm." To tell the truth, ho had been entirely relieved of the fear his Doctor had Instilled into him, by the pernicious opinion and action of his Vice. But, although it wassubsequentiy asserted by a portion of tho writers of the press, amongst whom ex-Secretary Beid made himself prominent, that Dr. I 'amoeban had been the agent of ('■ rat/. Brows tn giving the Ties .lent this now too celebrated prescrip- tion, and that this gentleman had wished, by the employment of alcoholic stimulants, to impair tho vigorous brain of his principal, with tho intention of soceeeding him, before the expiration of his term, in tho occupancy of the White House, such an opinion is totally unworthy of belief. Tho surgeon stands on too high a pinnacle in his profes- sion, for any candid mind to suppose this. At tho same time, it must bo admitted that tho Vice-President was too habituated to the use of spirituous liquor, even to dream of tho possibility, by its moans, of over- throwing so grandly a philosophic and political mind as that of the veteran farmer and journalist, the history of whose presi- dency wo have, with such thorough humility, attempted to impart to the reader. Neither can wo, as an impartial tran- scriber of historical facts, in the slightest way becoino accessory to the promulgation of so scandalous a charge. Did we do so, wo should be perverting fact for tho use of party, and simply in- dorsing tho unwarrantable attacks of a portion of tho partizan press, against two men who stand so high, relatively, in their widely various callings of politics and sur- gery.. The space left at our command, however, will now compel! us to draw rapidly to a conclusion. Neither, while we completely exonerate 28 Mr. Grata Brown and the eminent stur- geon, Dr. Carnochan, from the aspersion conveyed in this charge, are we unable to contradict the following fact, which is well known. On lea\ bag the White House this evening, it.. Nice President found himself, about half past. ten o'clock, in the r as of Downing, the celebrated negro caterer. He had entered them with the purpose of procuring a dozen of broiled oysters. There he met with a little political hack- writer, who had formerly been the, corre- spondent of a leading journal in his own State. Their acquaintance was slight enough. But the Vice-President had emp- tied four of the six bottles of Dr. Carno- ehan's prescription for his chief: He now fancied a bottle of Champagne would settle them. Under its influence he became leaky, and eontided to this man the mea- sure upon which the Sage of Chappaqua had a few hours previously been asking his advice. Such an unwise step, upon his part, was unpardonable. He onght, after such an important inter- view with his principal, to have kept the matter upon which he had been consult- ed by him, buried within his own bosom. What right has a statesman, were he a hundred times a Vice-President, to impart to any journalist, whether he be a penny-a- liner or an editor, those measures which are as yet in embryo — measures which are merel y discussed, and which may never be sub- mitted to Congress, and, even if so submit- ted, may, in all possibility never be indorsed by that august legislative body as actual ...»s. All the pen of the historian can say, is that the actual consequence of Mr. Gratz Brown's childishly indiscreet babbling was, on the same night his intelligence was tele- graphed broadcast from one end of the Union to the other. The result of this indis< retion of the Vice- President was truly lamentable, and cannot but leave an eternal stain upon his name. When this proposed — remember! it was only proposed — measure of the Head of the Government appeared in print, it raised a howl of virtuous indignation everywhere. Men who had to work night and day, upon the daily press, .at fifteen or twenty dollars a week, were stirred up to wrath at the idea of cutting down better salaries than their own, paid for infinitely lighter work. One paper stigmatized it as a "veritable in- famy.'' Another anathematized it as a "MALIGNANTLY PICAYUNE ECONOMY." A third branded it, as a " scandalous OUT- RAGE ATTEMPTED BY THE HEAD OF THE GOVERNMENT. Nor, indeed, annoying as this was, w;is it all. Two days after, a mob of women and children — the wives, sisters, sons, and daughters of the male clerks of all the de- partments, with the female clerks also — as- sembled in the gardens of the White House. They insisted upon seeing the President. It was totally in vain that he was denied to them. A male mob can generally be dealt with. It can be chidden by resolution, or cleared out by the police. Should these chance to tail, the military can be called in. A vol- ley fired over the heads of the prominent leaders, or the glitter of fixed bayonets under their noses, would soon settle the question. But with a female mob — the one- half of them from twenty to twenty-five years of age — it is a widely different case. How could the most stoical or hard-hearted of our philosophers of the present day send some two or three or four hundred, or pos- sibly a thousand young brunettes or blondes, with Grecian bends and chignoms, to the station-house '( How could he threaten youthful beauty with cold lead or shining steeH It being granted that he dared not attempt one oi these modes of getting rid 29 'JIM CLOSE OP THIS STRANGE EVENTFUL HISTOKY. <>i them, how miis li<> to refuse them an audience ? Indeed, it was wholly out of the question that the tender-hearted 8age of Chappaqua should deny them this privilege. Nor, indeed, had lie, with his wonted courage, set down Ids foot upon this ques- tion, would lie have been able to have kept it tirmly on the ground? Thrusting aside the attendants, paying no attention to the entreaties of the Private Secretary, hurling their mocking defiance at the chief of the kitchen cabinet, who at last tied before them, the petticoafed mob swarm- ed up the steps of the White Bouse,' and thronged into the building. They filled the halls, the reception and drawing rooms, and the library. Nay! As many ot them as could do so — we allude to the numbers that were Capable of attaining admittance in its confined Space — thronged into the private room of the President. There they found the present Father of his Country literally aghast He sank into his seat as that crowd of matronly and maiden beauty closed in around him. " What do you come for, here, my Chil- dren .'" he cried out. in a whiningly broken treble "Justice — Mi. President ! " •• That's what we want." •• We won't be starved out, while you are here rolling in luxury." " We want what our husbands work for." •• And enough to pay for our vhiqnons." ■• Cive us our rights." 30 " Dou't cut down uiir salaries." " We won't stand it" " YourV a pretty Head of the Nation." " We'd better have had Vic Woodhull ! » " We shall all have to go on the streets." '• Or sell our hair." ••Or make shirts." Hut, it would be absolutely impossible to chronicle all the tumultuons cries which wire thrust at him by feinalo voices. Here, one was colored with tears and lamentations— the next was edged by anger; this one was a wail — that one rang out a reproach. The Philosopher, tor the moment, felt his philosophy vanish before thisfeminine whirl- wind of vituperation and entreaty. To add to his trouble, as though, itseemed to him, it had not been sufficient, Mrs. Greeley appeared upon the scene. To her demand as to the meaning of such an un- wonted assemblage, he was able to answer nothing,, at the first moment. But, then, re- covering himself, he burst out in a torrent of Saxon eloquence. Indeed, so vigorously was it conceived, that, on hearing its rushing fluency, all the blondes and brunettes pres- ent, including even Mrs. Greeley herself, were thunderstruck. For the moment, they were silenced. Nay ! They cowered, as if spell-bound, under that wrathful and terrific outpouring of Saxon malediction. Then, thrusting their fingers in their ears, they vanished from the chamber, and rushed from the White House, drawing after them in then- mad panic, from hall, reception, and dining room and library, the outer mass of the feminine mob, appalled by the rolling bellow and surging shriek of the Philoso- pher's vituperation. The President was left alone. Striding from corner to corner of the room, raving as lie had done when George Francis Train had stung him into a lesser degree of wrath, lie literally foamed at the mouth. His formerly powerful mind was, for the ; moment, completely unhinged. Whose mind would not have l>een thrown off its bal- ance by such a result from the unwarrant- able betrayal of his confidence, by a subordi- nate in whom he had supposed he might repose an implicit trust f At the same time, it must be owned that j his furious frenzy may possibly have been ; heightened by his recently too liberal use of ; Dr. Carnochan's prescription. Yet, even from the consequences of modi- ! cine and wrath, he might doubtless have recovered* Two hours had passed, and he had re- gained something of his former saint-like placidity of demeanor, although his family, alarmed by what Mrs. Greeley had this day st*n, had already determined upon a second time summoning Dr. Carnochan from New York, when the papers from that city, which he insisted on reading for him- self every day, were placed before him. Knowing the press of the metropolis as thoroughly as he did, there is little to be wondered at, in his refusing to allow them to pass first through the hands of his Private Secretary. As it turned out, it woidd have been infinitely better for him, had he done so. First, he opened the Tribune. It was natural that ho should do so. With that sheet he had grown into greatness. P>ut for it, he might never have fought his way into his now lofty and grandly-merited position. As he looked at the. paper, a gloomy scowl overspread his countenance. « That villain— Whitelaw ! » he muttered, in a low whine, as he thrust it from him. "Why should ho give the fellow — Grant — a column and a half." Then he took up and Unfolded the New York JTeraUl. One — two — three — four — five — six — yes, seven columns of leaded type ! These wereheadedinthelargest letters — "Grant." This was followed by — " TnE Greatest General of TnE Republic — Washing, tux and Grant — Ovn two Greatest ::i Presidents— Grant remains Three Days in the Metropolis— A Grand Re- ception nv HIM AT nil: I'll in A.7ENUB Hotel to-morrow— Fire-works and an Ii.i.CAUNATIoN IN M UMSON Bcjl IRE, w ma Ft i.i. Band of Sixty." The con eluding words were— "Three times rHREE Cheers, ind a Tioer, poh hik Man who 8A ; ,.,, i>he Union lnd has always bees TRUE TO in:i! !" it.- gazed at the beading for a moment, and, while doing so, the paper fell from Ins nerveless hand upon tin' carpet. lie could read no more. The fire-works, the illumination, the re- ception, and tin' hand, were merely mutters of private subscription. Aye I And, what of that J Such were the rewards accorded by private gratitude to a national hen) other than himself. A great modern writer had said — " The pou is mightier than tha sword." But he himself had not found it so. Or, at any rate, it was certainly not greater in America than the bullet and the bayonet now jvere. Granl was named with Washington. Thus was he ranked by the leading Joni nal in America — Imply, in the world. What was the worth <>l having been a journalist, a man of peace, a Fourieite, a vegetarian, a aegro-wcrshipperarUnitarian, .1 Republican, and everything else in the American world, including, lasl of all, a Democratic President, to be lefl out in the cold like thisl Slill Bitting there, his palsied hands -rasp tog ai nothing— hie gray eyes gazing specu- latively into vacancy— he was baftbling of gieen fields and of Ghappaqna» Little more may he said The < urt.iin must he drawn as we reach the close ol' this sad and mournful history. We draw the curtain at tin- close of this lamentable story. Two years ami four months of the Presidency have sufficed t<> destroy Horace Greeley's grandly simple and actively philosophic mind. What i- now t<> come, we do not know. President Grata Brown with an empty treasury, and possibly, after uiui— the Deluge. S2 i£i@ - gg I A FADING FLOWER. (HorKlNS.) ♦'Ever thus since childhood's hottb, I've sken my fondest iiofes decay; i never i.oved a trek ok flower But 'twas tub first to fade away.' '•-•■—. ■•;.. ■■■■ /m***^ ^C- ■ " ^^^^^. - y. V- L ' Mig!^'^» 1 V*W'VvV^v\ &i& I.'" yw./i j * - ; oc yy v^ ^ . -:, lUl^'J^a^, «£& ■ . v ^ w • * » ' . XV^V/rfjv vW** : : .y^v^w^^ V W* J - * -\^V"^-^^"* J ^ WV l$fiyJ#f!; - •; v y , j-c:orc 'UWu^Li, . /U*uw ^ v , « vJy/ w W W\, 3 - : i. w v^ ,VV • rJW 'V^ >^; v i iV>"\V Vn» KiMmS, II *$?!« M >mm $ $ftp;x#:w Illl N«i I liSiiP tftf$ !ii»f mil ■i'vV"! Wi'ittvi inmtmm w. K':•,*!'; v:w J LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 013 789 114 1 # iiiiii ,•/,'. >t. ;."!'. \~>