i 
 
 f OR Oill^iyOUNG 
 
 11 11^ Eugene Field. 
 
 limjmafedhf John C. Frohn. * 
 
 HENRYA.DICKERMAN &SON, 
 Publishers, B o sto 
 
Class _JP$16^ZL 
 Book ^M^ 
 
 GopyiightN^- 
 
 \^0{ 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 
 
Nonsense 
 
 for 
 
 Old 
 
 and 
 
 Young. 
 
Eugene Field* 
 
Nonsense 
 
 FOR. 
 
 Old and Young' 
 
 By EUGENE FIELD 
 
 Illustrattecl by 
 JOHN C. FROHN 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 Henry A. DicKerman (Si San 
 
 PUBI^ISHCRf 
 MCMI 
 

 THE LIBRARY OF 
 
 CONGRESS, 
 Two Copies Received 
 
 iUN. 3 1901 
 
 COPYRICMT ENTRY 
 
 CLASS O^XXe. No. 
 COPY B. 
 
 Copy^ri^Ht 
 
 1901, 
 
 by 
 
 Henry A. 
 
 DicKerman 
 
 ^ Son.. 
 
A little nonsense 
 
 no'vir Six&d tHei:\f 
 Is relisHed by 
 
 tlxe best o<^ men.,' 
 
 ^ Oliver 
 
 >^ IVendell 
 
 Holmes. 
 
A Foreword. 
 
 BIN compiling this volume we have en- 
 ig deavored to add pictorially to the amuse- 
 
 iS^ ment in these funny conceits from Field's 
 versatile brain. 
 
 The majority of the sketches herein, appeared 
 in the Denver Tribune^ under the title of The 
 Tribune Primer^ with various sub-titles, begin- 
 ning Monday, Oct. lo, 1881, and ending Monday, 
 Dec. 19, of the same year. The entire number 
 of these quips was about 162, of which 94 were 
 first published in book form as The Tribune 
 Primer^ in 1881. The balance, with the excep- 
 tion of five which are- so local in their application 
 that they have now lost some of their fine sar- 
 castic humor, we here present for the first time 
 with illustrations. 
 
 In their original form the sketches were 
 designated by Roman Numerals instead of titles 
 and were made up of short sentences, with a 
 liberal display of capital letters after the style 
 of first lessons in reading for children. 
 
 Th:e Pubi^ishkrs. 
 
Nonsense for Old <S1 Yotin^, 
 
 One Atittixnxi NigKt. 
 
 CALM, delightful autumn night; 
 A moon's mysterious, misty light; 
 A maiden at her window height, 
 In proper robe of fleecy white. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 The little wicket gate ajar ; 
 
 A lover tripping from afar, 
 
 With tuneful voice and light guitar, 
 
 To woo his radiant guiding star. 
 
 The lute gave forth a plaintive twang- 
 Oh, how that doting lover sang ! 
 A bull-dog with invidious fang — 
 A nip, a grip, and then a pang ! 
 
 A maiden swooning in affright. 
 A lover in a piteous plight, 
 A canine quivering with delight ■ 
 A wild, delirious autumn night ! 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. ii 
 
 A Portrait of a Lady. 
 
 HIHRE we have a Lady. She was at a 
 ^^ Party last Night, and the 
 ^^^ Paper spoke of her as 
 the Amiable and Accom- 
 plished Wife of our Respected 
 Fellow Citizen. Our Respected 
 Fellow Citizen is now as Full as 
 a Tick, and his Amiable and 
 Accomplished Wife is" Walloping him with the 
 Rolling Pin. The Lady seems to be more 
 Accomplished than Amiable. 
 
 IVould Yoti? 
 
 I 
 
 S this a Picture of an Actress ? No, it 
 is a Picture of a Boodle 
 Politician. Is it not Beau- 
 tiful ? The left Eye is 
 Closed. It must be Tired. He is 
 Sitting on a Barrel. It must be a 
 Barrel of Jam. Would you like 
 to get your Little Hand into the 
 Barrel? We Would. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Good James and NatigKty R.egiiiald. 
 
 OiNCK upon a Time there was a Bad boy 
 whose Name was Reginald and there 
 
 was a Good boy whose Name was James. 
 
 Reginald would go Fishing when his 
 Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the 
 Cat's Tail with the Bread Knife one Day, and 
 then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in 
 with the Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James 
 was always Obedient, and when his Mamma 
 told him not to Help an old Blind Man across 
 the street or Go into a Dark Room where the 
 Boogies were, he always Did What She said. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 13 
 
 That is why they Called him Good James. 
 Well, by and by, along Came Christmas. 
 Mamma said. You have been so Bad, my son 
 Reginald, you will not Get any Presents from 
 Santa Claus this Year ; but you, my Son James 
 will get Oodles of Presents, because you have 
 Been Good. Will you Believe it, Children, 
 that Bad boy Reginald said he didn't Care a 
 Darn and he Kicked three Feet of Veneering off 
 the Piano just for Meanness. Poor James was 
 so sorry for Reginald that he cried for Half an 
 Hour after he Went to Bed that Night. Reginald 
 lay wide Awake until he saw James was Asleep 
 and then he Said if these people think they can 
 Fool me, they are Mistaken. Just then Santa 
 Claus came down the Chimney. He had lots of 
 Pretty Toys in a Sack on his Back. Reginald 
 shut his Eyes and Pretended to be Asleep. 
 Then Santa Claus Said, Reginald is Bad and I 
 will not Put any nice Things in his Stocking. 
 But as for you, James, I will Fill your Stocking 
 Plumb full of Toys, because You are Good. So 
 Santa Claus went to Work and Put, Oh ! heaps 
 and Heaps of Goodies in James' stocking but 
 not a Sign of a Thing in Reginald's stocking. 
 And then he Laughed to himself and Said, I 
 guess Reginald will be Sorry to-morrow because 
 he Was so Bad. As he said this he Crawled up 
 the chimney and rode off in his Sleigh. Now 
 you can Bet your Boots Reginald was no Spring 
 Chicken. He just Got right Straight out of Bed 
 and changed all those Toys and Truck from 
 
14 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 James' stocking into his own. Santa Claus will 
 Have to Sit up all Night, said He, when he 
 Expects to get away with my Baggage. The 
 next morning James got out of Bed and when 
 He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his 
 Stocking, licking his chops and Carrying his 
 Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush 
 Fence. But when he found there was Nothing 
 in his stocking and that Reginald's Stocking was 
 as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late 
 from the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and 
 began to Wonder why on Earth he had Been 
 such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy 
 Christmas and James was very Miserable. After 
 all. Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as you 
 Combine Intellect with Crime. 
 
 His Busy Day. 
 
 HIS Man is very Busy. He is pushed 
 for Time. He looks as if 
 he had more on his Hands 
 than he could accom- 
 plish. We feel Sorry for him. 
 He has an Important Engage- 
 ment to Keep, and he is Hurry- 
 ing up Matters to Meet it. He is to be Hung 
 at Noon to-morrow. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 15 
 
 TKe Joyful 'WHirligie'. 
 
 It was 
 
 HERB is a Sewing Machine. 
 Made for little Children to 
 play with. Put your Feet 
 on the Treadles and Make 
 the Wheels go round Fast. See 
 how the Thread unwinds and the 
 Needle bobs up and down ! This 
 is Lots of Fun. Do not Deny baby 
 the privilege of Putting his Fat little Finger 
 under the Needle. It will Make pretty holes 
 in the Finger and give Baby something to 
 occupy his Attention for a Long time. 
 
 H 
 
 A Fairy Tale. 
 
 ERE we have Papa's watch. There is 
 
 a Fairy in the Watch. 
 
 Would you Like to 
 Hear her Sing? If 
 you will Drop the Watch 
 on the Floor, the Fairy in 
 the Watch will Sing the 
 Prettiest little Song you ever 
 Heard and all the Wheels 
 will Buzz just as Funny as can Be. When 
 papa Comes home and finds the Fairy has been 
 Singing, maybe he will Ask you to Step out 
 into the Woodshed with him on a Matter of 
 Business. 
 
i6 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 H 
 
 An £pitapK« 
 
 |KRK lies the body of Mary Ann 
 Who rests in the bosom of Abraham. 
 
 I It's all very nice for Mary Ann, 
 But it's mighty tough on Abraham. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 17 
 
 THe Hustler Hustling'- 
 
 WjHAT is that I see ? That my Child, 
 ^^^^ is the News Interviewer, 
 ^^ and he is now Interview- 
 ing a Man. But where 
 is the Man ? I can see no Man. 
 The Man, my Child is in his 
 Mind. 
 
 TKe Maid of Orleans. 
 
 HIKRK is a Molasses jug. It is Full of 
 ^^ Molasses. How 
 i^ffi many Flies are 
 there in the Mo- 
 lasses ? That is a Hard 
 one to Answer. Those 
 
 flies will lyook Proud spread out on Sister 
 Lrucy's buckwheat Cakes in the Morning. But 
 lyucy will not Care. She will pick them out of 
 the Molasses with her Taper Fingers, and Wipe 
 them on the Bottom of her Chair. But if her 
 Beau were there she would Yell and say, Oh, 
 how Horrid. The strength of a Woman's 
 Stomach depends I^argely on the surroundings. 
 
i8 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 A%\ 
 
 
 t=<^«T^^^ 
 
 i 
 
 Fancy vs. Fact. 
 
 r m ywiABEIv is sitting at the Piano, and she is 
 [^▼^i Singing a Song. The Song Says he is 
 l^^^fl Waiting for Her in the Gloaming. 
 Mabel appears to be giving herself Dead 
 Away. He is Not Waiting for her In the 
 Gloaming at all. He has just Drawn a bobtail 
 Flush, and he is Wondering whether he had 
 Better Pull out or stand in on a Bluff. Mabel 
 would Touch a Responsive Chord in his Bosom 
 if she were to Sing take Back the Hand which 
 thou Gayest. 
 
T 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 19 
 
 Society as Reported. 
 
 HIS is a Recherche Affair. Recherche 
 
 Affairs are sometimes 
 
 Met with in Parlors 
 
 and Ball Rooms but 
 more Generally in the Soci- 
 ety Department of News- 
 papers. A Recherche Affair 
 is an Affair where the Society 
 Editor is invited to the Refreshment Table. 
 When the Society Editor is told his Room is 
 Better than his Company, the Affair is not 
 Recherche. 
 
 A Musical Oexiitis. 
 
 WHO is the Man? The Man is Admiral 
 __^__^ McEean and he is Get- 
 ^^M ting Ready to Sing. Can 
 the Admiral Sing ? Those 
 who have heard him Say he Can 
 Not. Has he ever Sung a Song 
 Through ? Nobody can Tell. 
 Why can Nobody Tell? Be- 
 cause every Body walks Away when he 
 Begins for to Sing. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 TKe Nervy Drummer. 
 
 I 
 
 S this a Brass Foundry ? No, it is a 
 Travelling Man. He carries big Trunks 
 all over the Country and Makes Love to 
 Dining room Girls. He has Been all 
 Over and Under Europe and Taken in all the 
 Great Masters. He has Scoured the Alps 
 clean. He can Tell more Smutty Stories than 
 a Politician, and he can get Bilin' slower on 
 More lyiquor than any Government oflScial. 
 The best Way to get along with the Travelling 
 men is to get along Without them. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 21 
 
 L>ti.i\akx* LfOre. 
 
 A Satellite is 
 
 THE Moon is a Satellite, 
 a Sort of Associate 
 
 Editor. It revolves 
 
 around Somebody 
 Else and gets full on Four 
 Quarters. The Moon is a 
 great Way from the Earth. 
 It would Take a Street Car 
 16,000,000,239 years to 
 Make the Distance. A Snail could Make it in 
 half that Time. Break a piece of Glass out of 
 Mamma's mirror. Smoke it over the I^amp, and 
 look at the Moon through it. 
 
 THe Sen&tor. 
 
 HiERE we have a Senator 
 Proud Bird. He has 
 S^^ been Renominated 
 and he is Happy. 
 And who is the Bird with 
 the Senator? It is one of 
 his constituents. Is he 
 Happy? Yes, he too is 
 Happy because the Senator 
 is Happy. But not too Happy. 
 Enough. 
 
 is a 
 
 Just Happy 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 A. Colonial Accident. 
 
 HAJOR ANDRfi was a British officer. 
 Benedict Arnold hired him for Four 
 Dollars a day to go as Spy into the 
 American Camp and hear the News. 
 He carried important Papers in his Boots, and, 
 upon being Arrested by the Americans, the 
 Papers were found. Then they said they would 
 hang him. He was sorry for what he had Done 
 and Said he was going to Heaven. He fell with 
 a Dull, Sickening Thud. They are going to 
 Build a Monument to him, not because he did 
 Wrong, but because he got Caught. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 23 
 
 A Natural MistaKe. 
 
 ^S this an Ass? No, this is the Editor 
 of a paper at Cen- 
 tral City. Oh, what iffry^"^^/ ^ 
 a Mistake ! No, my ^^W '^^^ /^ 
 
 Child, the Mistake was a ^BLji..,s=ai«^,(' 3, 
 
 Natural one. You would -^ ^ ^ /■>./ ^ 
 
 not Insult an Ass, would 
 
 you? 
 
 I^tixninotis L-a^v. 
 
 m 
 
 S this a fire? No, it is not a fire. It 
 
 is the Judge of the 
 
 County Court. Why 
 
 did you think it was a ^msniBL^?b 
 fire ? Because it looked so Red. 
 The Judge is a Nice Man. He 
 writes Articles about the Gov- 
 ernor. You must not Mistake 
 Him for a Fire again. But you may Compare 
 him with the Warm, Sensuous glow of a Nea- 
 politan Sunset. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 "Oft in tKe 5tillx NigKt." 
 
 I Y\ lABY and I in the weary night 
 L'*'vJ Are taking a walk for his delight ; 
 ^rBBi I drowsily stumble o'er stool and chair 
 And clasp the babe with grim despair, 
 
 For he's got the colic 
 
 And paregoric 
 Don't seem to ease my squalling heir. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 25 
 
 Baby and I in the morning gray 
 Are griping and squalling and walking away — 
 Tlie fire's gone out and I nearly freeze — 
 There's a smell of peppermint on the breeze. 
 
 Then Mamma wakes 
 
 And baby takes 
 And says, *' Now cook the breakfast, please." 
 
 A Sad, iSstd Sto^y, 
 
 ^T^ HE young Man is Reading a Letter 
 ^ I and seems Deeply Agi- 
 
 I^M\ tated. Maybe it is a 
 Letter from his Sweet- 
 Heart, and she has Given him 
 the Grand Bounce. How his 
 Breast Heaves and how his 
 Heart must. Throb under his 
 Celluloid Shirt Front. The Letter is from 
 His Tailor. Let us not Invade the Secrecy 
 of the poor Young man's Grief. 
 
26 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 FasKion Notes. 
 
 I.IPPHRS should be worn High on 
 Bad little Boys this 
 Winter. 
 
 Fashionable Corns are to be 
 Trimmed with Steel-Blue Ra- 
 zors this Season. 
 
 Red Pepper worn on Hot Stoves continues 
 to Create quite a Sensation in the Best Social 
 Circles. 
 
 TKe CKivsklrotis Editor. 
 
 HIS is an Editorial Writer. He is 
 Writing a Thoughtful 
 Piece about the De- 
 generacy of the Age. 
 
 He talks about the good old 
 
 Times when Men were Manly 
 
 and Youthful Breasts were 
 
 Pregnant with Chivalry. By 
 
 and by he Will go Home and 
 
 Lick his wife for not Cutting up enough Cord 
 
 Wood for the kitchen Fire in the Morning, and 
 
 he will Spit tobacco all over his daughter 
 
 Esther's new silk Gown. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 tlsLSy MsttHemsitics. 
 
 F you are good at addition, put down a 
 column of figures, five figures in a row, 
 and the sum will represent 
 the age of Clara Louise 
 
 I 
 
 Kellogg. 
 
 Suppose a man with a bottle 
 of whiskey were to set down 
 the bottle and carry the whiskey, what would 
 the result be ? 
 
 If one gallon of coal oil will blow up a kitchen 
 stove, how much Kansas City gin is required to 
 make a man feel like a barn afire ? 
 
 If a Pueblo bed-bug can travel seventy rods 
 in one hour, when there is nothing ahead to en- 
 courage him, how many miles will he travel in 
 ten minutes to meet a fat man from Cheyenne ? 
 
 A Mean Man. 
 
 CHICAGO Papa is so Mean he Wont 
 let his Little Baby have 
 More than One Measle "WS^^ ^ 
 at a time. 
 
28 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 THe Office Toivel, 
 
 I 
 
 S this a Corner Lot ? No it is a Towel. 
 It has been serving an Apprenticeship 
 in a Printing Office for the past Four 
 Years. The horses are Dragging it 
 Away. A man will Take an Ax and Break the 
 Towel into Pieces and Boil it for Soap Grease. 
 Then he will sell the Towel for Tripe. If you 
 find a Piece of Tripe with a Monogram in one 
 Corner, you may Know it is the Towel. 
 
Nouseuse for Old and Young. 
 
 29 
 
 Scandal on Foot. 
 
 W^^ HAT is that Walking along the Street ? 
 ^^^^^ That, my Son, is a State 
 ^^ Senator. Will you not Tell 
 
 me all About it ? No, my / ; 
 Son, you are too Young to hear 
 Scandal. ^ 
 
 TKe Old T. D. 
 
 S it a Pipe ? Yes it is Papa's Pipe 
 
 and it Has not been 
 
 Cleaned out for Four 
 
 months. It is full of 
 Ashes and Spit. It would 
 not Hurt the Pipe if you 
 were to Take several good 
 long Sucks at it. 
 
30 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 THe Awfu.1 Bugstboo. 
 
 HERB was an awful Bugaboo 
 Whose Byes were Red and Hair was 
 
 Blue; 
 His Teeth were Long and Sharp and 
 white 
 And he went Prowling 'round at Night. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 31 
 
 A little Girl was Tucked in Bed, 
 A pretty Night Cap on her Head ; 
 Her Mamma heard her Pleading Say, 
 *' Oh, do not Take the Lamp away ! " 
 
 But Mamma took away the Lamp 
 And oh, the Room was Dark and Damp ; 
 The little Girl was Scared to Death — 
 She did not Dare to Draw her Breath. 
 
 And all at Once the Bugaboo 
 
 Came Rattling down the Chimney Flue ; 
 
 He Perched upon the little Bed 
 
 And scratched the Girl until she bled. 
 
 He drank the Blood and Scratched again 
 The little Girl cried out in Vain — 
 He picked Her up and Off he Flew — 
 This Naughty, Naughty Bugaboo ! 
 
 So, children, when in Bed to-night. 
 Don't let them Take away the Light, 
 Or else the Awful Bugaboo 
 May come and Fly away with You ! 
 
32 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 THe National Debt. 
 
 HERE we have a Greenbacker. 
 seems Troubled about 
 
 Something. He is 
 
 Troubled about the Na- 
 tional Debt. He is Grieving 
 because the Country of his 
 Nativity owes one Billion Dol- 
 lars. The other Man around 
 the Corner is a Grocery Man. He, too, is 
 Troubled, but he is not Worrying about the 
 National Debt. Oh, no. He is Worrying about 
 the one Dollar and Forty cents the Greenbacker 
 owes him. 
 
 Johixxny's AlpHabet. 
 
 STANDS for Apple, so hard and so 
 Green — 
 B stands for Boy who is 
 going away — 
 
 C stands for colic that Soon will be 
 seen — 
 D stands for Devil that's shortly to 
 pay. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 33 
 
 THANKSGIVING TALES 
 
 For tHe Profit of tHe Ntirsery Bri^s&ae. 
 
 Tale I — Prolog. 
 
 TJHIS little Boy looks as if lie had On his 
 ^^^^ Father's clothes. Maybe he Has not 
 ^g^ had Anything to Kat for a Month. He 
 is Sitting on a Stool. He is Waiting 
 for Something. His hands are clasped over his 
 Stomach. Can he be Waiting for his Thanks- 
 giving Dinner? What a Queer little Boy to 
 Wait so Patiently? If he were to Cry, he 
 would get his Dinner Sooner, wouldn't he ? 
 
34 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 im 
 
 mm 
 
 Tale II — Succulent Soup. 
 
 N the Tureen there are two Gallons of 
 Soup and Eleven Cove oysters. Do not 
 Be Afraid. The Soup is Pretty Hot, 
 but it will not Burn you. If it is too 
 Hot, you can Spit it out on the Carpet. Do 
 you like Cove oysters ? They are Baby oysters 
 Taken out of the Shell before they are Hatched. 
 Some People dry them and use them for Gun 
 Wads. They are ^much more Digestible than 
 sole leather. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 35 
 
 w 
 
 Tale III — Tempting TtirHey. 
 
 HAT a Big Fat Turkey it is ! It must 
 have eaten lots of Worms and Caterpil- 
 lars to be so Fat. It is stuffed with nice 
 Stuffing made of Old Crusts and spoiled 
 
 Biscuits. The Gravy looks Quite Tempting. 
 It does not Look like Tobacco Juice, does it ? 
 The Innards of the Turkey have been Chopped 
 up and are in the Gravy. Unless the Cook was 
 very Careful while Chopping up the Innards, 
 there is a Piece of her Finger in the Gravy, too. 
 Will you Try some of the Turkey? Take a 
 Drum Stick, the Pope's Nose, a Side Bone, the 
 Neck , some of the Breast and the Wishbone. 
 If that is not Enough, ask Mamma please Can 
 you have some More. 
 
36 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Tale IV — Various Vegetables. 
 
 HE vegetables smell good. Two or 
 three of these Onions would make you 
 Stronger. Suppose you Try some of 
 the Turnip and Squash. Pickled Beets 
 are also Good to Eat just before going to Bed. 
 The mashed Potato is healthy when There are 
 no Potato Bugs in it. They are very Plenty 
 this Year. Will you put Some Jelly on Your 
 Bread ? How Mad it would Make your Big sis- 
 ter Jennie to Tip the Jelly over in her lap. 
 Suppose you Try it as a Joke. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 ^y 
 
 Tale V — Venerable Venison, 
 
 HlKRB we Have Some Venison. It may 
 Taste a trifle Venerable for it has been 
 WM banging Up in the Shed for Several 
 Weeks. But Papa says it is not Fly 
 Blown, and Everything Goes on Thanksgiving 
 Day. Once the Venison was a little Deer and 
 lived in the Mountains. A man Caught it and 
 Hung it up on a Tree and cut its poor little 
 Throat and let it Bleed to Death. What a Bad 
 Man. Perhaps the Deer's baby deers are cry- 
 ing for their Mamma who will Never come. 
 
38 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Tale VI — Peptonic Ptxdding. 
 
 THE Hired Girl is bringing on the Pud- 
 ding and it is a Daisy. We mean the 
 Pudding. It is full of Plums. Make 
 Mamma give you a Big Piece of the 
 Pudding with Ever so many Plums in it. If 
 we Were you, we would Swallow the Plums 
 whole and Then they will stay By You longer. 
 When you have Eaten the Pudding, pick your 
 little Dish up and Drink the Sauce. 
 
Nonsense fof Old and Young. 
 
 39 
 
 Tale VII — Paii\ffjil Pie. 
 
 THERE are Three Kinds of Pie— Cocoa- 
 , nut Pie, Lemon Pie and Mince Pie. 
 laial They are the Only Kinds of Pie little 
 children should Eat. You will do Well 
 to Try them All. As much Pie as Possible 
 under the circumstances would be Proper. 
 The best way to Eat Pie is to Take it up in 
 your Fingers. This is Liable to make Pretty 
 little Spots on your Shirt Front. Do you sup- 
 pose by Trying Hard you could Slip a Piece of 
 the Lemon Pie into your Pocket to Eat after 
 you go to Bed to-night. 
 
40 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Tale VII — Fretfxxl Frxxit, 
 
 OiH, what Beautiful fruit! Apples, 
 ^^ Oranges, Bananas, Grapes, Pears and 
 ^^ P'igs ! Make a Grab for them or you 
 May not Get any. Good little children 
 Kat grapes, skin and all. I wonder if the Figs 
 have Worms in them. But never Mind : this is 
 no Time for Questions. Your Mamma sa5^s 
 Orange Juice will Stain your Frock, but it Will 
 Not. What Fun it would be to Squirt some 
 Orange Juice in the Dear Little Baby's Eyes ! 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 4T 
 
 Tale IX — Innocent Ice Cream. 
 
 HA, here Comes the Ice Cream. About 
 two Plates apiece will be Enough for the 
 Children. Ice Cream is Funny Stuff. 
 You eat it and feel it in your Eye. 
 When you have Eaten all you Want, you will 
 Find it right Jolly to Pick the Ice Cream up in 
 your Fingers and Paddle it Around in your 
 Tumbler of Water. 
 
42 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Tale X — Nutritious Nuts. 
 
 HIE RE we Have the Nuts. They are good 
 ^^ for Children. Crack them with your 
 S^ Teeth. Be sure to Drop the Shells on 
 the Floor for the Cat to Eat. Do not 
 Forget to put a Good Many in your Pocket for 
 the Poor Little blind Girl who Lives around the 
 Corner. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 43 
 
 Tale XI — VITierd and MToful. 
 
 TlHIS little Boy looks too Big for his 
 _^___^ Clothes. He must have been Measured 
 iZ^Sil when he Had the Ague. Mamma will 
 Have to take off His Vest with a But- 
 ton Hook to-night. What makes the Boy so 
 pale ? He has his Hands gathered together over 
 his Diaphragm. Is the Boy Sick ? The Boy 
 is Sick. Maybe he has Swallowed something 
 that does not Agree with Him. 
 
44 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Tale XII— Bxiter tHe Diligent Doctor. 
 
 WHO is the Man coming through the 
 ^______ Door ? He is the Doctor. This is the 
 
 ^M Worst Symptom of the Boy's Illness we 
 
 have Seen yet. How can the Boy get 
 
 Well now ? The Doctor asks Mamma how the 
 
 Boy is. Mamma is crying. The Doctor says 
 
 lie can Fix the Boy. 
 
Nousense for Old and Young. 
 
 Tale XIII — Exit tHe Beatitiful Boy, 
 
 HE Doctor has Fixed the Boy. 
 
46 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 H 
 
 Tale XIV — I^pilos'. 
 
 ERE we have a Cemetery. Can you see 
 the Little grave Stone over there ? It 
 is very Cute. There must be a Boy 
 Planted somewhere Near it. Wouldn't 
 you Like to be Planted under a Cute little Stone 
 like That ? Unless you do Justice to your 
 Dinner to-day you cannot Hope for such a 
 Reward of Merit. 
 
M 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 47 
 
 Beautiful Hortense. 
 
 IISS Hortense is working a Beautiful 
 
 Piece of Embroidery. It 
 [(^^^) is a Motto in Green and 
 
 Gold. It asks What is 
 Home without a Mother. When 
 Miss Hortense gets it Done, she 
 will Give it to her Beau, who 
 Tends a Dry Goods counter. You 
 cannot see Miss Hortense's Mother. She is in 
 the Back Yard doing the Week's Washing. 
 By and by she will be Bringing in Coal for the 
 Parlor Stove, because Miss Hortense's beau is 
 Coming to-night. 
 
 M 
 
 A Toilet E^pisode. 
 
 lAMMA'S Tooth-brush is on the Bureau. 
 
 J Suppose we scrub /^^^^-^ 
 
 l^gE^l out the Sink with CT''^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 will wonder what she has ^^ftHWffillWJW" 
 Eaten to give her such a 
 Bad Breath. She will Think the Tooth-brush 
 has been Sitting up with a Corpse. 
 
48 
 
 Nousehse for Old and Young. 
 
 A Terrible Monster. 
 
 OIH, what an awful Sight ! It is the 
 ^^ Editor of the Colorado Springs 
 JM 'Gazette, He has I.ong, White 
 Teeth and there is Blood on 
 his gums. He is a Bad Man and he "^j 
 has just Eaten a Poor Little Baby. 
 He is trying to get the Capital Re- 
 moved. If he gets the Capital Removed, he 
 will Eat a Poor I^ittle Baby every Day. You 
 must Tell your Dear Papa not to vote to have 
 the Capital Removed. 
 
 Poor Pussy. 
 
 HiERE we have a Dornick and a Cat. 
 ^^ The Cat is Approaching the 
 JM Well. She thinks there is a 
 Mouse there. Suppose we 
 approach the well with the Dor- 
 nick. There is no Mouse as we 
 Can See. Perhaps the Mouse is 
 at the Bottom of the Well. Let 
 us Hitch the Dornick to the Cat 
 and Put Them in the Well. Then the Cat will 
 not Come back without the Mouse. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 49 
 
 A FisK Story. 
 
 ^ IKE the Fish. The Fish is a Trout and 
 \3 Breathes through his Ears. 
 He lives in a Brook and May 
 be if you try you can Catch 
 
 him. Any little Boy who catches 
 
 so many measles ought to be Able 
 
 to Catch one little Fish. The 
 
 Trout Weighs four Ounces, but 
 
 you can say he weighs four Pounds. Do not 
 
 call him a Speckled Beauty or you will be Shot. 
 
 Eat him, Head, Tail, Inwards and All, and get 
 
 a little Bone in your Throat if you Can. 
 
 Be'ware. 
 
 0>H, children you Must never chew 
 J Tobacco — it is Awful ! 
 B^jgy The Juice will Quickly make ^^ 
 
 You sick, \r'v 
 
 If once you get your Maw 
 Full. 
 
 — S.J. Tilden. 
 
50 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 THe Vigilant Cop. 
 
 DiO not Make a Noise or you will Wake 
 I the Policeman ! He is Sitting on the 
 ^BH Door Step asleep. It is very Hard on 
 Him to Have to Sleep out of Doors these 
 Cold Nights. There is a Bank being Robbed 
 around the Corner and a Woman is being killed 
 in the next Block. If the Policeman Waked 
 up, he might Find it out and Arrest somebody. 
 Some people Believe this is what Policemen are 
 for, but the Policemen do not Think so. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 51 
 
 SometHixig Doing. 
 
 S this a Cemetery ? No, it is a Picture 
 
 of Pueblo during the 
 
 Busy Season. Do you 
 
 see the Man Patting 
 the Dog on the Back and 
 Promising him a Bone if he 
 will lie Down and Go to Sleep 
 again ? This is What they 
 Call an Intensely Exciting Sensation in Pueblo. 
 The Earth is going to Live five hundred Million 
 years Longer, and Pueblo expects to be the 
 State Capital before the End of that Time. 
 You will not Live to see it the Capital — or, at 
 least, you ought to Hope Not. 
 
 Poor Little Bexinie, 
 
 BENNIE is Lying in the Cradle and he is 
 ^ Crying because Mam- 
 I^M ma will not give him 
 the Moon. What a 
 Naughty Mamma not to Give 
 her little Boy the Moon ! 
 But Mamma does not care 
 how much Bennie Cries. She 
 has a Son, and the Moon can go to Thunder. 
 
52 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Otir Motor Press. 
 
 Sis this Not a Beautiful steam 
 The Steam is Lying Down 
 ^^ on the Floor taking a Nap. 
 He came from Africa and 
 is Seventy years Old. The press 
 Prints Papers. It can Print 
 nine hundred papers an Hour. 
 It takes One hour and Forty 
 Minutes to Print the Edition of 
 the Paper. The paper has a circulation of 
 Thirty-seven Thousand. The Business Man- 
 ager says So. 
 
 Freedom Defined. 
 
 WHY is this great and glorious country j 
 ^^^_ called America? Prin- 
 ^^^ cipally because that is 
 its name. Can you 
 bound it ? No, because it is 
 a republic and will not be 
 be bound. 
 
D 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 53 
 
 A Political Object L>essoii. 
 
 O you see that Candidate over There ! 
 
 He is standing still. He is a 
 Democratic Candidate. If he 
 were a Republican he Would 
 be Running. Democratic Candidates 
 are not real Candidates. They can 
 not Run. They do not even Walk. 
 When you are very Tired and Want 
 to rest you ought to Become a Democratic 
 Candidate. 
 
 Honesty on tHe R.tin, 
 
 S' F a poor but honest voter chases a 
 reformer four blocks in 
 ten hours, how many 
 blocks will he have to go 
 to catch him? This depends al- 
 together on the location of the 
 Bank. 
 
54 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 TKe TrtitH A.l>otit tHe CHerry Tree. 
 
 HO was George Washington ? He was 
 
 W 
 
 Mrs. Washington's little Boy. One Day 
 he went out in the Orchard and got the 
 Hired Man to chop down a cherry tree. 
 **Who has done this Deed ? " asked George's 
 mother that Very Afternoon. There was Blood 
 in the Old Lady's Eye. In order not to get 
 fired, the Hired Man gave George two marbles 
 and a Top to say he Did it. " Mamma," said 
 George, " I cannot Tell a Lie. I Done it with 
 the Ax." Whereupon his Mother compli- 
 mented him on his Truthfulness, but gave him 
 One in the Neck for using Bad Grammar. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 55 
 
 Ax\ Ode to a Cat. 
 
 HUNGRYCat — 
 A foolish Rat. 
 
 A lively Run — 
 
 Exciting Fun. 
 
 Ferocious Jaws — 
 
 Remorseless Claws. 
 A d5dng Squeal — 
 A hearty Meal. 
 
 Alas, poor Rat ! 
 O happy Cat ! 
 
 LrOoK Out! Boog'ies! 
 
 DID you ever see a Bugaboo? Ask 
 Mamma to Blow out 
 the Light to-night after 
 you Go to Bed and Let 
 you See a Bugaboo? It has 
 a Big Voice like a Bear, and 
 its Claws are as long as a 
 Knife. It will Bite Good 
 Little Children and Run off 
 with them to the Cold Dark Woods where they 
 can Never see Mamma any More. If you are 
 Good, Beware of Bugaboos. 
 LofC. 
 
56 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 Hot Air vs. Cold 'Water. 
 
 S^~1KE the Wind Mill. It is a Pretty Sight. 
 ^ It has Sails that go Round and Round 
 ^^' and Make a Noise like the Whirring of 
 a bird's wings. The Wind Mill lyooks 
 Sad. It has had Hard Luck. It used to be a 
 Democratic politician and Furnish Enthusiasm 
 for Arapahoe county Campaigns. But Wind 
 will not Run a Campaign and so the Wind Mill 
 lost its Job. And now it Stands out on a Bleak 
 Prairie and Hauls water out of the Cold, hard 
 Earth for a living. Any Kind of Honest Labor 
 is awful rough on a Democrat, but Having Any- 
 thing to Do with Water breaks him All Up. 
 
Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 57 
 
 TKe "Worried Magnate. 
 
 W 
 
 HO is the old man I 
 man is a Railroad 
 Builder, and his 
 brow is clouded. 
 
 is his brow clouded ? 
 
 see? The old 
 
 Why 
 
 It is clouded because this is 
 Monday and he cannot build 
 any railroad track. Why can 
 he not build railroad track 
 on Monday ? Because he is pious and remem- 
 bers the Sabbath day to keep everybody he can 
 hire wholly — busy. He only builds on Sun- 
 day. This is the reason he is so much respected 
 in saloons and other mercantile establishments. 
 
 His Day of Rest. 
 
 ID 
 
 S this a Sunday ? Yes, it is a Sunday. 
 
 How Peaceful and Quiet 
 
 it is. But Who is the 
 
 Man ! He does not Look 
 Peaceful. He is a reporter and he 
 is Swearing. What makes him 
 Swear ? Because he has to Work 
 on Sunday ? Oh, no ! He is 
 Swearing because he has to Break the Fourth 
 Commandment. It is a sad thing to be a 
 Reporter. 
 
58 
 
 Nonsense for Old and Young. 
 
 TKe Foxy Compositor. 
 
 HAS the Printer tobacco ? He has But 
 he will not Tell you So. 
 ^^ He carries it in the Leg 
 of his Boot and when he 
 wants a Chew he Sneaks down 
 in the Back Alley where Nobody 
 can See him. When he Spits 
 tobacco, it Sounds like a Duck 
 diving in the Water. The prin- 
 ter is a Queer man. He is a Fickle person. 
 Sometimes he has Ten thousand Ems on the 
 string, but they are Always his Dupes. If you 
 are a Printer, Do not Be a Blacksmith or you 
 will get Fired. 
 
*Tis sad — tHere's an 
 
 end to all good 
 
 tHings. 
 
Other Field Books. 
 
 Eugene Field Book 
 
 Field — DeKoven Song Book 
 
 Holy Cross and Other Tales . 
 
 House, The 
 
 I^ittle Book of Profitable Tales 
 Little Book of Western Verse 
 lyove Affairs of Bibliomaniac 
 Love-songs of Childhood 
 
 Lullaby-land 
 
 Second Book of Tales . 
 
 Second Book of Verse . 
 
 Sketch of Field, by Francis Wilson 
 
 Songs and Other Verse . 
 
 Songs of Childhood 
 
 With Trumpet and Drum 
 
 Life and Letters. S. Thompson . 
 
 Echoes from Sabine Farm 
 
 The Tribune Primer. Illustrated 
 
 Sharps and Flats. 2 vol. 
 
 $0.60 
 2.00 
 
 1.25 
 1.25 
 
 1.25 
 1.25 
 1.25 
 1. 00 
 1.50 
 
 1-25 
 
 1.25 
 1.25 
 
 1-25 
 I. GO 
 I. CO 
 I. GO 
 2.00 
 
 2.50 
 
A *Sure Cure for the Qiues 
 
 TKe Funniest.BooK ii\ Print. 
 
 THE TRIBUNE 
 1^ PRIMER 
 
 By Eugene Field. 
 
 It won't make 
 a horse laugh 
 because it wasn't 
 written for 
 horses: — but any 
 person who can 
 read this book 
 through without 
 laughing must 
 have an impedi- 
 ment in his 
 smilax. 
 
 New copyright 
 edition; gilt 
 edge, bound in 
 art cloth, printed 
 on Bengalore 
 book paper from 
 English type, 
 illustrated with 
 ninety-four of 
 the most comical 
 pen and] ink 
 "skits" ever 
 seen. Original 
 
 poster cover in two colors, that will appeal to your 
 
 bump of humor. Price 50 cents at your dealers, or of 
 
 the publishers 
 
 Henry A. DicKerman <5l Son 
 
 SS FranKliA Street* Boston, Mass. 
 
 N. B. — A handsome POSTER free with every copy. 
 
 
 With origlnaliliustrationsbyJoHNCFkoHN 
 
 BOSTON,NASd. 
 
 HenryA.Dickerman&Son. 
 
 PUBLISHERS I900. 
 
A SOFT IVORD 
 
 FROM 
 Robert J. Btirdette 
 
 REGARDING 
 
 ""WKsit Happened to 'Wisgles^rortK " 
 
 Abraham Ivincoln once said, " God must love plain 
 people, because he made so many of them." Then 
 humor must be heaven born, because it glorifies the 
 commonplace. 
 
 Mr. Fuller's humor has no need of the finger post of 
 an introduction. His manner bears no stamp save that 
 of his own personality. His characters introduce them- 
 selves as old friends, who try to surprise us by thinly 
 disguised voices, by the change of a beard, or the inno- 
 cent assumption of ignorance of our identity. The 
 people concerning whom Mr. Fuller writes in these 
 chronicles, he would have us believe dwell in Maine. 
 But I knew them in Illinois', you have them in New 
 York ; they are your neighbors in California. We re- 
 cognize them as old friends. Some busy years have 
 separated us ; a multitude of cares have swarmed into 
 our lives and driven them out of our thought, and 
 grateful are we that this apostle of humor suddenly 
 turns the limelight of his humor upon the stage of this 
 old work-a-day world of ours, revealing the little groiip 
 of actors to our gaze saying, "Did you ever see these 
 people before ? " And our ready, happy looks of glad 
 and instant recognition contradict our "No we never 
 did" that goes with the extended hand of welcome 
 greeting. Into his book, Mr. Fuller has put the laugh- 
 ter of our own lives. Our highest and most grateful 
 appreciation of what he has done, will be to take the 
 laughter of his book into our own hearts. 
 
 Robert J. Burdette. 
 
 Cairo, Egypt, February 6, 1901. 
 
 ••"WHat Handsomely bound and il- 
 
 Happened lustrated with several full 
 
 to page drawings. It will 
 
 "Wiggles-^vortH •• please everyone who likes 
 
 By W. O. good innocent humor. 
 
 Fuller, Jr. i2mo. Gilt Top. Price J5i. 50. 
 
 HENRY A. DICKEB.MAN <5l SON, 
 
 PUBLISHER.*. 
 55 FranRlin Street, Boston. 
 
Doxxe xTt. 
 types <5i pulled 
 off tHe press 
 of 
 
 LrOtinsbery 
 NicHols €t 
 "WortH 
 Company 
 Boston 
 
< i-rt. 
 
901 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 012 072 295 5