Class Ij3/0^^ Book --C^ CcpiglifN" C.OPnUCHT DEPOSm Grandma and Standarditis Grandma and Standarditis BT William V. Casey AUTHOR OF 'Acces^onal," "A Tale of High Finance, "An Address to Teachers," Etc. The Standard Publishing Company Denver, Colorado 1,3 > 0-3-3 Copyright, 1917, By Wm. V. Casey, Boulder, Colorado J^^L -6 1317 ^0 . ■ ©0' ^.47017 PREFACE "O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursel's as ithers see us! It wad frae mony a blunder free us An' foolish notion; What airs in dress an' gait would lea'e us. An' ev'n devotion!" — Robert Burns. "Behold, we know not anything; I can but trust that good shall fall At last — far off — at last, to all, And every winter change to spring. So runs my dream; but what am I? An infant crying in the night; An infant crying for the light; And with no language but a cry." — Tennyson. FORETHOUGHTS Like Grandma, the true teacher is the Salt of the Earth. She is not necessarily an octogenarian. When required, she is usually willing to state her exact age — if it be less than twenty-five, — and her approxi- mate age if it be around forty. Fur- ther, the deponent sayeth not. She is deserving of more than cold respect and captious criticism. She is entitled to a compensation com- mensurate with the noble work she is doing, for it is by far the most im- portant work of the world. She is training the Child — our most precious possession. She is training our fu- ture judges, lawyers, doctors, minis- ters, diplomats, musicians, archi- tects, laborers. She is shaping the lives and characters of twenty mill- ion boys and girls, — the future fathers and mothers of this Republic. She is the Moulder of our Nation's Destiny. Too often she is overworked and underpaid, and often her patient self-sacrifice goes unappreciated. Too often her position is insecure, and her salary insufficient for her actual needs; yet she goes about her work cheerfully, and, in proportion to her earnings, her contributions to charity, to the Church, and to the many public demands, compare quite favorably with those of our more often paged Society Leaders. Too often her vacation is a night- mare — ^an anxious struggle to devise ways and means of existing for three months without an income. During these lean months every nickel must do double duty, — so she walks in- stead of riding; does her own laun- dry work, sewing, mending, patch- ing, darning, cooking. She denies herself all luxuries and many actual necessities, for she must read and study in order to keep abreast her profession. Its increasing demands exact fresh preparation for each coming school year. She welcomes constructive criti- cism, but Alas! in these highly standardized times, criticism has be- come a disease against which prepa- ration may avail her little; for, at the close of a particularly trying day, perhaps, she may be called to the office and confronted with her '^Efficiency Score Card", — a device of Satan, conceived by an Ex-Spurt, and scored by a Criticaster who per- haps could not teach her grade for a week without acquiring a case of "nerves" comparable to an acute attack of D. T. But there is her Card — scored with Jove's lightnings, circled pe- riods, cat-stairs, cork-screws and section comers, — showing that she is lacking in "Efficiency"; the 'Tests" are unsatisfactory; her ^'Motivation" is suspected; her "In- itiative" has the Rickets, — and so on, for sixty-five items ; and can't she do better. After an hour of this inspiring and constructive toothache, she escapes from the refrigerator, frozen, humili- ated, sick at heart and discouraged, to spend the night in tears. But be of good cheer, dear Sister, the day of your deliverance is at hand. When next you are called be- fore your critic, present him v^ith a copy of this little book and insist that he read it. If it does not reform him, his case is hopeless, and we advise you to prepare yourself for a Domestic Science position. The male ^'Expert" alv^ays knows when and where to "head in." The Author. I Grandma and Standarditis "Dangers stand thick through all the ground, To push us to the Tomb, While fierce diseases wait around. To hurry mortals home." How often have I heard dear old Grandma quote the above Quatrain, — which, by the way, does not happen to be from Omar. Grandma never even heard of Omar; but even if she had,* I feel quite sure that she never would have been interested in his grape-juice philosophy. She believed in the Book — "from cover to cover'* — and Jeremiah was regarded by her as Chief of all the Prophets. His La- mentations were as sweet music to her ears, and seemed always to awaken a responsive chord in her sensitive heart. As she read them on Page Thirteen Grandma and Standarditis a Sunday afternoon they seemed a very Well-Spring of Joy to her, which sometimes bubbled up and over- flowed in tears. On one such occasion, in answer to my childish (and I trust sympa- thetic) inquiry as to the cause of her tears, she replied: *'Don't mind my cryin', Honey ; I always feel bad when I feel good, because then I know that Vm goin* to feel worse." Grandma was descended from that good, old, hard-working, hard-pray- ing Covenanter stock — now almost as extinct as the Dodo. It is possible therefore, that heredity may have been responsible for her seeming pessimism, — which, after all, was not really pessimism, — but only her way of expressing the joy of her heart. While ministering to the sick, or Page Fourteen Grandma and Standarditis when busy managing the affairs of her own household, Grandma was far from being gloomy or pessimistic. On the contrary, at such times she seemed to radiate cheerfulness and optimism. Children never regarded her as gloomy. Always they greeted her coming with shouts of delight, and welcomed her with kisses. These demonstrations of childish affection always seemed to stir her emotional heart, and on such occasions she was wont to exclaim — "I declare, honey, love is just the best, the biggest and sweetest thing in the world. It's the fuliillin' of the law; and when Grand- ma feels your little arms around her neck it's just like readin' Lamenta- tions !" ; Now, the children of Grandma's Page Fifteen Grandma and Standarditis day were not standardized in their knowledge of scriptural allusions, and probably would not have been able to distinguish Lamentations from the Songs of Solomon, had they heard them on the King's Highway; yet all of them felt instinctively that this expression of Grandma's ap- proval and love was the very highest compliment that could be bestowed upon them — whether by Queen, Prince, or Potentate. They recognized its hall-mark of sincerity; and each child felt as proud and satisfied as a full-blown dahlia. Of course, all this sounds paradox- ical; but, — to make use of a stand- ardized, if somewhat trite, observa- tion, — the world is full of paradoxes. Consider the hen,— she is not gener- ally regarded as being musical; yet Page Sixteen Grandma a^d Standarditis she often tries to express the Joy of Life thru a species of song. And the roll and throb of the katy- did orchestra may sound monotonous and tiresome to the unthinking; but it awakens beautiful thoughts in the poet's brain. It all depends upon one's interpretation. Mrs. CockerelFs red sunflower is not less wonderful or beautiful be- cause its border is sometimes tinged with yellow. And the whippoorwill's song, as it comes to us thru the soft evening twi- light, may sound a bit mournful ; but the bird is not less interesting or use- ful on that account ; and were it na- tive to Europe, as it is to America, who knows if its oft-repeated note might not stir the allies to their su- premest effort! * * * But we Page Seventeen Grandma and Standarditis digress, and our digression is leading us into the swamps of Euro-Politico- Psychology. Let us return to Grand- ma. Grandma lived in Illinois during pioneer days when the term Neighbor included all the settlers within a radius of fifty miles of her home. And as the settlement lacked a regu- lar physician, she officiated as healer, accoucheuse, and surgeon, whenever and ^vherever her services w^ere needed. She was a busy woman, but the distance was never too far, nor the hardship of travel too great for her to respond to the frequent S. 0. S. call of the pioneer. Now, Grandma was innocent of scientific lore, and had never been surveyed; and, judged by modern standards, was sadly lacking in Up- Page Eighteen Grandma and Standarditis to-Date-ness ; nevertheless, she pos- sessed an ample fund of common sense and natural ability which en- abled her to go industriously on her way, administering her boneset, ja- lap, and elecampane with astonishing success. It was her one modest boast that she never lost a" patient if she reached him in time. I am aware that this boast sounds singularly modern, but I assure you that Grandma originated it. Firm in the Faith, kindly, helpful, industrious, she 'Svent about doing good," and managed to crowd into the eighty-five brief years of her life more real work, more good deeds, and more worth-while results than many of us, I fear, can ever hope to accomDlish or attain. At her grave the people of four Page Nineteen Grandma and Standarditis counties assembled, and did for her the last simple service which Love can render. I was but a small lad at the time, and between then and now stretch more vanished years of life than I care to count, or think about ; yet the occasion impressed my memory with two things — the sincere love of the people for Grandma, and the minis- ter's text. It was Jeremiah 8:22. Were I an expert psychologist, it would now be in order to speculate as to just how much our heredity and environment influence our pessi- misms and optimisms ; or to show be- yond cavil, that the pessimist is a species of negative electric Corpuscle created to balance, as it were, the positive optimistic Visionary; and, therefore, that the one is as necessary Page Twenty Grandma and Standarditis and as useful as the other. For, while most of us may prefer "The Sweet Singer/' the fact remains that the Book would be incomplete with- out Jeremiah. But however interesting and prof- itable such speculations might prove, our limitations of time, and space, and expertness, compel us to leave them to Dr. Munsterberg, H. G. Wells, — and the would-be educational Samurai. Wasn't it Aristotle who said that every complete action, or story, has a beginning, a middle, and an end? To accord with these standards, our story ought to end with the pass- ing of Grandma. Our sketch shows that she lived, did her work, and died. The temptation, therefore, to elimi- nate all else in the story is great. The Page Twenty-one Grandma and Standarditis Standards would not then be vio- lated ; and besides, the painter should quit when his picture is finished. However, comes the querulous voice of that uneasy, captious, pessi- mistic Kill-Joy — the Editor: "But, — my dear man, * * * the title! Wherefore 'Grandma and Standarditis'? * * * i don^t quite see its appositeness. Why not simply 'Grandma'? And what is Standar- itis?'' Oh Fudge ! I almost wish the story had never been begun. "Appositeness*' ! I am sorry, but it is now too late to change the title. And I positively refuse to disturb Grandma. She is at Peace, so we will let her rest. "Appositeness" ! Well, there seems no way out of the difficulty except to write a thesis on Standarditis. So En avant: Page Twenty-two Grandma and Standarditis STANDARDITIS Its Nature — Standarditis is an insidious disease, now fast becoming epidemic in this country, but at present, more espe- cially prevalent among school men. ¥,niile suffering from an attack of Standarditis, the patient manifests an all but irrepressible desire, or im- pulse, to scale, measure, weigh, com- pute, calculate, card-index, overhaul, score, inventory, enumerate, classify, schedule, invoice, evaluate, expatiate, recapitulate, graphize, analyze, ter- rorize, and otherwise Standardize human beings, teachers and school children. Although the older authorities no- where make mention of Standarditis, Page Twenty-three Grandma and Standarditis its earlier appearance probably dates from the First Crusades. This seemirxgl}^ inexcusable silence on the part of the authorities will not appear strange, however, if we stop to reflect that our Profession, at that time, was not far advanced in MerMcal Science. The sword and battle-axe were almost the only sur- gical instruments then known. There were few educational advantages, and almost no oppor- tunities for study and Research. Printing had not been invented, and there were no scientific instruments of precision. The microscope did not come until centuries later; so that our brethren of the Crusades prob- ably never even suspected the pres- ence of microbes, — as we know them. We, of the present day, however. Page Twenty-four Grandma and Standarditis are more highly favored. Thanks to that King of instruments, the Micro- scope, our Profession now knows the cause of many diseases — not least of which, is Standarditis. It is a Germ Disease. The germ which causes it has been isolated. It is now known to Science as the "Bacillus-GeowetricuS'Scho- lastictiS'Standarditictiss." It is rod- shaped, and closely resembles the common garden measuring-worm. The 'appositeness' of its title, at least, will be apparent to all. In its nature, Standarditis is both Cerebropathic and Neuropathic. Dur- ing the Prodrom.al Stage, it attacks both the brain and the nerve-centers, and in the acute form, may result in Encephalitis, or even Ramollisement. A few Quacks contend that the Page Twenty-five Grandma and Standarditis disease is Osteocephalic, or Osteo- pathic; but this opinion is regarded with contempt by all Regular practi- tioners. All the Authorities agree, however, that Standarditis is contagious, — in the sense that vice, for instance, or good example, is contagious. The rapid spread of the disease in Amer- ica is proof positive that it is ex- tremely contagious. Standarditis is also Psycho- Psychic, or Psycho-Mesmeric in its nature. That is to say, it can be willed, or wished upon an individual, a group, or a nation, by one having the disease in its virulent form. This fact makes it extremely in- sidious, hard to combat, and quite naturally is causing the Profession great uneasiness. Numerous instan- Page Twenty-six Grandma and Standarditis ces are of record where individuals have been infected through Psycho- Psychic Intention, while the case of Germany seems to establish proof that a nation can be thus infected. In this connection, however, it is of interest to note that certain peo- ples seem to possess greater risisting power against Invasion, than others. The French and English, for example, seem to possess strong risisting power. And while it appears that a nation may be easily invaded, it may, never- theless, be slow to take the disease. It is considered extremely doubtful, for instance, whether Mexico can ever be standardized. Natives of the Philippine Islands also strongly resist Standarditis, — which fact may perhaps account for Page Twenty-seven Grandma and Standarditis their unpreparedness for self-govern- ment. In the year 1900 Congress ap- pointed a committee to inquire into this matter, but the committee has not yet made its report. It is also worthy of note, that when Standarditis invades a country, the official head of the government, army, or school, is almost invariably the first person to take the disease. Army officers are extremely suscep- tible to the disease, and once they are infected, it spreads by Psycho- Psychic Intention to the entire army. School superintendents and heads of educational departments are super-susceptible. They seem to possess weak resisting power, yield readily to Invasion, and usually have the disease in its most virulent form. Although not entirely immune Page Twenty-eight Grandma and Standarditis from the disease, women are less sus- ceptible than men. The reason for this is not well known. History — The earliest authentic account of this disease, as it now manifests it- self, shows that it made its first ap- pearance at Potsdam, Prussia, about the year 1870, where it prostrated the entire Royal Family. It is re- ported that the emperor never en- tirely recovered from the effects of the disease. From the Royal Household it spread to the army officers, and through them by Psycho-Psychic In- tention to the army; from thence to the homes, schools, churches, work- shops, mills, mines, factories and fields. Not a man, v/oman, or child Page Twenty-nine Grandma and Standarditis in the empire escaped the epidemic. Even the animals and fowls were af- fected by it. Quarantine and other preventive measures against the disease were attempted by adjoining nations, but in most cases with indifferent suc- cess. It invaded parts of Austria- Hungary, Switzerland, France, Bel- gium, and Holland, but in these coun- tries the disease was less virulent than in Germany. The case of England is regarded as somewhat singular, and has caused much comment among the Profession. Since for four hundred years Eng- land had been constantly taking things, it was supposed that she would also take Standarditis. But owing, it is thought, to the well- known British Temperament which Page Thirty Grandma and Standarditis renders the Briton immune from foreign humors, England escaped in- fection. No Englishman has ever been known to take Standarditis. Russia also suffered little, — prob- ably owing to the Imperial Ukase and the well-known attitude of the Nobility. Thus far, Turkey has proved to be immune. Am.erica's commercial intercourse with Germany brought the disease to our own shores. The first cases were widely scattered among a few manu- facturing concerns, and caused little comment at the time ; but from these cases the disease spread until it is now reported in thirty-^ight states. Syraptoms and Course — The symptoms of Standarditis are Page Thirty-one Grandma and Standarditis usually so pronounced as to be easily recognized, even by the layman. Diagnosis, therefore, presents little or no difficulty. In the case of the Educator, the following sjnnptoms are usually present, and may be said to be typical: During Invasion, or Incubation of the disease, the patient exhibits rest- lessness, seems preoccupied, and more or less irritable; brow is wrinkled; eyes appear somewhat staring and glassy; pupils dilated; pulse rapid; tongue badly furred. As the disease gains headway, the patient worries over trivial affairs; imagines that his schools are out of joint, and that the teachers and chil- dren are inefficient ; feels impelled to do something, but wishes someone else to tell him what to do; sleep is Page Thirty-two Grandma and Standarditis broken by night-sweats, night-mares, and wild fancies; patient mutters during sleep, and is apt to repeat such words as ^Efficiency' — *Buenos-Aires- List' — *Courtesy-Tests' — 'Heliograph Standards' — or 'Maryott Scores,' etc. If these symptoms are present, the physician may feel certain that his patient is suffering from an attack of Standarditis. The disease has now passed Prodroma, and must run its course. Doctor Love joy thus graphically describes the Course of the disease: ''While the patient is in the Pro- dromal Stage of Standarditis, it not unfrequently happens that the Board of Education has been Infected through Psycho-Psychosis ; and if so, it readily yields to the suggestion that an Efficiency Ex-Spurt be employed Page Thirty-three Grandma and Standarditis at public expense to Standardize the schools. "Now, an Efficiency Ex-Spurt is a self-created, self-constituted, self- standardized individual, having the degree M. A., or Ph.D. He may even be entitled to a D. Ph. degree. He may never have taught successfully, but is willing, for a consideration, to survey schools, standardize them, and make Reports. "In addition to having the symp- toms already enumerated, an Ex- Spurt is also apt to suffer from calenture, delusions, halluncinations, hypochondriasis, and phrensy. "He may even have *Enteralgia\* "Preliminary to the actual work of Survey, it was formerly the custom * Standardized medical term — means plain belly-ache. — Ed. Page Thirty-four Grandma and Standarditis to call a Principal before the Board, where he was interrogated by the Ex- Spurt; but this custom has been quite generally abandoned. One of the principals thus called, possibly proved to be an immune — ^as the fol- lowing interview suggests: " ^Mr. X, have you given the pupils of your school the Courtesy-Tests T " 'No.' " *Why haven't you given them?* " Well, I first tried them on my- self, and failed to get much out of them. I then gave them to a com- mittee consisting of three teachers, two Bankers, a Preacher, two Law- yers, a Public Accountant, and five College Professors. As they also failed, I thought it would be a waste of time to give them to my pupils.* " *You were wrong. You should Page Thirty-five Grandma and Standarditis give them to your pupils. There is no other way to Standardize a school.' " *Do you use the Thomwall Scores r " *No ; and for the same reasons already given. I submitted two sets of papers to the committee to grade by the Thornwall Scores. In thje second set I included several papers of the first set, and found that the first and second gradings differed from thirty to fifty percent on the same paper. That is to say, the same person differed as much as fifty per- cent from his first marks when he graded the same paper a second time. I think the Scores are a waste of time.* " *What you tell us is very singular. Your committee could not have been very competent. All up-to-date Page Thirty-six Grandma and Standarditis schools are using these Scores. Have you given the Buenos-Aires-List, and are your pupils able to spell all the words?' " *Yes ; I have used that List oc- casionally. I think that the pupils can spell most of the words.* " That is better ; but you do not seem quite sure. Standarditis shows exactly how efficient our schools are. Have you used the Heliograph Scale?* " *No, I think that is perhaps the only one of the fifty-seven varieties I have not tried. But perhaps some others have been issued since school closed this afternoon.' " 'And the McMurtie Standards and Maryott's Score Cards, — do you use them in scoring the inefficiency of your teachers?' " *No, I have been too busy with Page Thirty-seven Grandma and Standarditis the regular work of the schools. I take part in this work every day, and have tried to be helpful to my teach- ers by showing them how to teach. I have given friendly criticism when I thought it was needed, and have re- ported to the superintendent my opinion of their work.' " *I think that is aU, Mr. X, thank you.' "Mr. X is now excused; — ^makes his X-it, so to speak. (No apology. See Standardized Dictionary.) The f olowing formula is now repeated : " *Grentlemen, yofl^have invited me here to Standardize your schools. While I do not anticipate any par- ticular opposition, I sometimes find that through ignorance, fear, timid- ity or misunderstanding, the fullest co-operation of the teachers is not Page Thirty-eight Grandma and Standarditis always given. I trust that your superintendent will see to this. I shall refrain from comments until the Survey is finished, and embody my findings in my Report. My associates and I will be ready to be- gin next Monday.' "Accordingly, on Monday, the Efficiency Expert and his corps of Assistants invade the school-rooms with their theoretical foot-rulers, tape-lines, yard-sticks, calipers, com- passes, astrolabes, transits, Thorn- wall Scores, Heliograph Scales, Courtesy-Tests, Buenos-Aires-Lists, McMurtie Standards and Maryott's Score Cards, and proceed to Stand- ardize the schools. ''Efficiency Engineers now race wildly up and down the aisles on their Efficiency- Tr^/cycles, — running Page Thirty-nine Grandma and Standarditis over pupils, — getting in each other's way, and in the way of the distracted teacher who vainly endeavors to maintain order and conduct her reci- tations; but for some unaccountable reason she fails to show her accus- tomed proficiency. "During a period of time, ranging from two months to a year, — de- pending on the size of the city where the schools are being Standardized, — the Engineers measure everything in sight, — and much that isn't. They give Courtesy-Tests, Heliograph Standards, Beunos-Aires-Lists, Mc- Murtie and Maryott Score-Cards, Brown's Tablets, — including Saint Vitus' Dance. "They cover reams of paper with figures; arrange them in columns, groups, squads, companies, regi- Page Forty Grandma and Standarditis ments, brigades and divisions; they add them, cross-add them, subtract, multiply and divide them; regrind, and run them through the filter- press; then re-varrange them in geo- metrical progressions, extract their square roots, cube roots, tap-roots, near-variants, true variants, coeffi- cients, medians, reduce them to deci- mals, percents and differentials. "They march them echelon, grape- vine, and lock-step; then re-arrange them in new groups for compari- sons, calculations and computations; and then make graphs of them ; — in- curves, out-curves, forward-passes, punts, foozles, abcissae and abracada- brae. "It would now seem as if the disease must have run its course and could go no further. But not so. Page Forty-one !___ i Grandma and Standarditis ''The patient insists on publishing the whole sorry nightmare in bulletin, or book form. ''This done, temperature decreases, rationality returns, the disease grad- ually subsides, and if the patient sur- vives, he slowly recovers. "His school is now Standardized." Doctor Stoneage, who has also made an exhaustive study of the disease, observes that in its nature, Standarditis is somewhat analogous to the Foot-and-Mouth Disease among cattle — since it has to do with foot-rule measurements, and causes the patient to talk and write abnorm- ally. This suggestion of the learned Doctor's opens up a rich field of study and Research for the Psycho- Therapist and Psychologist, and we Page Forty-two Grandma and Standarditis shall confidently expect some new discoveries to be made in this field in the near future. It would be inter- esting to know, for instance, whether this disease is accountable for the Congressional Record, the War news, or for some of our recait books on Education. We have thus traced the disease from its origin in the dark Ages down to the present time. We have shown its Nature, its Cause, its His- tory, its Symptoms, and its usual Course. It now remains to speak briefly of its Effects. Its Effects— The effects of Standarditis vary greatly among individuals and na- tions, and seem to be influenced, somewhat, by the different occupa- Page Forty-three Grandma and Standarditis tions of the people. Many of these effects are droll ; some are weird and fantastic, while others are serious and melancholy. The learned Doctor Knochenkopf, in his well-known Medical Work en- titled: ''Geistesstbrungen und Mili^ tdimervenheilstdtte infolge von chrorv- ischens Standarditissmus, und ihren Einfhiss auf die Felddienstfdigkeit" gives the following interesting and remarkable account of Standarditis in Germany. "While strolling through one of the city parks the Emperor was sud- denly stricken with Standarditis. His attention was attracted to a flock of geese on their way to the lake for a swim. They were led by a militant, battle-scarred gander, at whose sig- nal the geese halted, left-faced toward Page Forty-four Grandma and Standarditis his Majesty, flapped their wings and fiercely screamed forth their War- Cry,— '^Honk! Honk !*^~right-f aced, and continued on their way, — single column, regular interval, heads up, chests out, — ^their blue eyes sparkling like Dresden china. "His Majesty was astonished and vastly pleased. The maneuver was perfectly executed, the salute soldier- ly, and the *Honk,' — ^as everybody knows, is Goose-Latin for *Hoch!* "The Emperor ordered the veteran leader brought before him, decorated him with the Double-Cross and Order of the Gridiron, and gave command that the whole army should adopt the *Goose-Step,' — ^now peculiar to our German Soldiery. "The effects of this 'Goose-Step' upon our men is very noticeable, and Page Forty-five Grandma and Standarditis the sight of so much drill is influenc- ing even our women and girls. Re^ cently, while in Franfurt, I met Frau Z and her estimable daughters who were out for a walk in the park. They all marched in double column, and all with the 'Goose-Step/ Peas- ants, coming home from their work in the fields all walk with *Goose- Step,' the woman usually in the lead, with a large basket, or a sack of potatoes balanced on her head. This setting-up, — or rather standing up — exercise, gives to the peasantry an erect carriage, and wonderfully in- creases their health, strength, useful- ness and general efficiency." The learned Doctor's observation concerning usefulness and efficiency suggests that we, on this side of the water, have much to learn from our Page Forty-six Grandma and Standarditis over-seas friends. Doubtless when we have become well Standardized, we will have adopted many of their useful and efficient customs. This celebrated 'Goose-Step* was the beginning of Standarditis in Ger- many. The National Step once es- tablished, Standardization of every- thing else quickly followed. It ex- tended to the width of streets, the height of houses, government, people, homes, churches, schools, factories, farms, clothing, wine, water, Wiener- wurst, beer, obedience, conduct, thought, customs, manners, Class- distinctions, railroads, tunnels, roads, bridges, cannon, cheese, taxes, tooth- picks and coffins. Nothing is for- gotten. All is measured, weighed, evaluated, tested, classified and in- Page Forty-seven Grandma and Standarditis lent for the merchant who measures a yard of ribbon, or for the officer who is laying out a trench on the firing line. The result of all this is supposed to be increased efficiency. The people become careful, methodical, exact and painstaking. They regulate the prices of commodities, wages and la- bor. All have work, and time in which to do their work. They like this Kultur. They are proud of their achievements, for these make their nation unique among nations. More- over, it makes easy the rule of the Militarists, -v^ho, quite naturally, de- sire to extend this beneficence and Kultur to other unstandardized na- tions, even though it may require cannon shrapnel and Zeppelins to carry the good tidings. Page Forty-nine Grandma and Standarditis The effect of Standarditis upon superintendents has already been de- scribed. The effect upon the schools can only be surmised. Unfortunately, the testimony upon this important phase of the subject is too limited to justify our coming to any definite conclusion. It is true that we have tons of literature from the Surveyors, but almost no testimony from teach- ers whose schools have been surveyed and Standardized. When a laundress is importuned to buy a new brand of soap, she quite naturally wishes to know whether the brand recommended is better than the one she uses. She regards the testimony of her neighbor, Mrs. Murphy, as more satisfactory upon this point than that of the grocer. This is common business prudence. Page Fifty Grandma and Standarditis for she doesn't wish to spoil her linen, nor to have to do her work a second time. Having recently received a hint from the Health Officer to "clean up", we inquired of Mrs. Murphy and the neighbors their opinion concern- ing the efficacy of Standardized Soap. Twenty letters were written to teachers whose schools had passed through a siege of Standarditis, requesting definite information of its good effects. With singular unanim- ity the replies expressed joy that the measles had come and gone. Only ten replies were received, and only one of these was in printed form, — "The Reply of the Superin- tendents of New York City'' to the New York School Inquiry. It is a Page Fifty-one Grandma and Standarditis pamphlet of 116 pages, giving the opinions of nineteen out of twenty- three District Superintendents con- cerning the New York School Survey. It discusses the methods and findings of the Engineers, and gives us a sort of Survey of the Surveyors. The last paragraph sums up the discussion as follows : "* * * Therefore the net re- sult of the whole inquiry with reference to the teaching and supervision of elementary schools is a set of opinions backed by guesses and assumptions.*' — Which seems to have the merit of frankness, even if it does sound sacri- legious. But perhaps the good results have not yet had time to become apparent. I once heard a superintendent of long Page Fifty-two Grandma and Standarditis experience say that the best evidences of good teaching appear about twenty years after the pupils leave school. But this was before the day of Stand- arditis, when "All things are become new." However, a few of our schools have been Standardized for ten years, or more, which would seem to be suf- ficient time for the seed to have sprouted. But perhaps we are deal- ing with a Century Plant. Reports of the Surveys present little that is new, or that has not been tried many times. For more than fifty years superintendents have classified and re-classified their schools. They have inspected methods of teaching, offered criticisms, and have given constructive help. They have known that in every grade there are retarded children, and have pro- Page Fifty-three Grandma and Standarditis vided extra help for such. They have conducted teachers* institutes, held teachers' meetings, attended teach- ers' conventions, established reading circles, made reports to the boards of education, have sought, and have given, new ideas concerning educa- tional v/ork. For fifty years the tax- payers have known annually what their schools have cost. These things are not new because they are now discussed in Standardized language. What the superintendent would like to know is, how to improve the already known conditions without bankrupting his district. He would like to know how to eliminate pov- erty, so that boys and girls might attend school regularly. He would like to know a sure tonic for weak memory, — one that will enable pupils Page Fifty-four Grandma and Standarditis to remember what they are taught. He would like to know the really Royal Road to the multiplication table and other fundamentals, — the road that eliminates drill and thus saves time. He would like to know some surer, quicker method of helping his pupils to grow more honest, upright, loyal, industrious and dependable, day by day. He would like to know the best method of training the child, so that when it leaves school it shall be able to make the most of its life. And he would like to know how to do this without regarding the child as an insensate piece of machinery to be speeded up by some new Test-Pulley. The scrap-pile is full of such devices. Perhaps we are asking impossibili- ties. Perhaps these things can never be accomplished. Perhaps it would Page Fifty-five Grandma and Standarditis be necessary to regenerate humanity in order to **Mould it nearer to our heart's desire/' But nevertheless, these things are vital because they are fundamental. They are the things about which teachers are thinking. They are the things they would like to know; and they will welcome any sane means of accomplishing them. Somebody has observed that we are multi-millionaires in criticism, but paupers in helpfulness. There is more than a grain of truth in the observation. All of us are expert critics, but few of us are critically helpful. Too often we find fault without helping to correct the fault. Sometimes we imagine that we have given help when we have only com- plicated the situation by pattering some of our Utopian theories; and Page Fifty-six Grandma and Standarditis when these theories are the results of Standaritis, they are apt to be fanci- ful in the extreme. Although the effects of Stand- arditis on the schools may be in doubt, there is no doubt whatever concern- ing their effects on the Taxpayer. In his case they vary all the way from $3,000 to $90,000, depending on the size of the city where the schools have been Standardized. These are current market prices for Standardi- zation; and while they may seem rather high, we must remember that we are living in War times, when the price of everything is likely to be inflated. But let us not be discouraged, and above all, let us not grow pessimistic. It is often worth the price to be able "To see ourselves as others see us." Page Fifty-seven Grandma and Standarditis It harms no one to look into a mirror occasionally, provided the mirror re- flects one's true image, — and vanity does not prompt the inspection. While it does not seem probable, there may be diseases that are worse than Standarditis ; — Complacency, for example, or Blindness. So that it might be profitable for us to test our eyes, occasionally, with standardized glasses ; else we might fail to measure up even to ordinary standards of efficiency. We should remember that, although Conservatism may succeed in holding the ground already occupied, it sel- dom captures any new trenches. Let us, then, be ever honestly open to con- viction of our sins, whether they be committed through ignorance, or through deliberate Expertness. Page Fifty-eight Grandma and Standarditis Another one of Grandma's Qua- trains keeps ringing through the deep caves of thought, and seems an appropriate ending — *'May we this life improve, By earnest prayers and fasts. And do our best to give each Test, While Standarditis lasts/' Page Fifty-nine Grandma and Standarditis ADDENDUM The Cure — Standarditis is generally thought by the Profession to be incurable; but recently, while going through Grandma's papers, I found one of her "receipts'' which she used with great success in treating her patients, and which she guarantees will scatter and destroy and army of Microbes, if directions are faithfully followed. I have tried to render it in Standard- ied language for the Profession : Pil: Hydrarg: Chlor: Sig: singul: nocte sumend: Decoc: Aloes Sig: ^j omni mane. Page Sixty