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 I 
 
 LIFE AND ADVENTUEES 
 
 OF 
 
 ?! 
 
 By McARONE. 
 
 - '•— i^^-^- 
 
 J Entered nccordinff to Act of Confrrcss, in tho year 1865, by J, C. HllTET 
 i & CO., m tho Co k"8 Office of the District Court of the U. S 
 
 * for the Southern District of New York. 
 
 J. C. HANEY & CO., 
 109 ]^assau St., N. Y. 
 
 !i 
 
 J8Gi 
 
 ■■^r^- 
 
^' A 
 
 LITTLE SQUIBS. 
 
 ANDEOO JOHNSON.— His Life and Adventures, including 
 his wonderful political progress from Alderman to President^^and 
 bis celebrated 
 
 STUMPING TOUE OUT WEST. 
 
 BY PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. 
 
 With a large number of humorous Illustrations. 
 
 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JEFF. DAVIS.— This 
 little book has had an immense sale, at the south as well as at 
 the north, and is generally considered to be a pretty good thing. 
 It has some forty illustrations, several being full page ones, by 
 Mc^ii'one. 
 
 LINCOLN AND McOLELLAN — The "Lives" of Lincoln 
 and McClellan were issued in two little " sqiiibs" during the ex- 
 citing campaign of 18G4. After the election a large demand in- 
 duced us to repubhsh them together. The tragic death of Mr. 
 Lincoln, rendering the most painless and innocent things of this 
 kind out of place and offensive, caused us to suppress the edition. 
 As a souvenir of that campaign, it will no doubt be in demand. 
 Both " lives" together, illustrated. 
 
 HARDSHELL B ^PTIST STRIKES ILE.— This book was 
 very popular during the oil excitement, and contains many good 
 things which will be relished by lovers of burlesque. 
 
 Handsome glazed cover, illustrated. 
 
 THE HARP OP A THOUSAND STRINGS.— This is by 
 the author of the Hardshell Baptist, and is mainly note-worthy 
 for the celebrated burlesque sermon which has now become famous 
 wherever the Enghsh language is spoken. The book met with 
 moderate success. Illustrated. 
 
 6®°" Any of these books can be had of any newsdealer, or by 
 remitting price to the publishers. 
 
 Price, Ten Cents per copy, or the five in one package for Forty 
 Cents. 
 
 J. 0. Haney & Co., Publishers, 109 Nassau street, N. T. 
 
 Dealers •will please order from the Wholesale Dealers, of whom 
 they get theu' usual supplied. 
 Ameeican Nkws Co., Geneeal Agents. 
 
FRONTISPIECE. 
 
 JEFFERSON DAVIS IIAEIXG HI'-R TOILET. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 •Homaaaa ani iio xqo dnihos 
 
 GOING INTO THE EEBELIJON. 
 
BUELESQUE LH^E 
 
 JEFF. DAYIS. 
 
 B7 U'ABONE. 
 
 EPPERSON 
 DAVIS had the 
 signal misfcr- 
 txme to be born 
 ... a misfortune 
 alike for him and 
 for society at 
 large ... on the 
 3d day of June, 
 eighteen h u n- 
 dred and eight 
 
 He committed 
 this unpardon- 
 able sin in Chris- 
 tian county, Ken- 
 tucky, a district 
 that has p r o- 
 duced, probably, 
 as many horse- 
 thieves as any 
 other part of the 
 terraqucou s 
 globe. 
 
 By the time ho 
 was old enough 
 to swear correct- 
 ly, his father re- 
 moved to Wood- 
 
 ville, in Mississippi. It is understood that circumstances not totally 
 nnconnected with his rent had their influence upon this change of 
 residence. 
 
 Fortune, however, favors the bold, and Old Davis was a bold man. 
 By laboring industriously at cottonplanting and draw poker, he suc- 
 ceeded in accumulaling the properly of several wealthy neighbors 
 in a high-toned and chivalrous manner, and concluded to give his 
 Bon the education of a Southern gentleman. 
 
6 
 
 Accordingly, little Jeflfey was sent to Transylvania, Co'lege, where he 
 learned reading, writing, 
 arithmetic, geo- 
 met-y, syntax, bot- 
 any, secession, hydro- 
 graphy, nullif i cation, 
 trigonometry, mendaci- 
 ty, and a variety of other 
 useful knowledge. 
 
 After hcJiing his tutor, 
 he graduated with all the 
 honors, and was consid- 
 ered ready for a tei-m of 
 study at West Point. 
 
 Here he earned the 
 warm regards of his fel- 
 low students by the skill 
 with which he compoun- 
 ded gin cocktails, and 
 the able-bodied manner 
 in which he consumed 
 them. In this labor of 
 love he was generally 
 
 assisted by several who ms genius. 
 
 have since largely distinguished themselves in the confederate army 
 and navy. 
 
 CHAPTER H. 
 
 N 1828, Jeff graduated for the second 
 time, and West Point was obliged to 
 yield him up. It is to be observed that 
 that region of coiuitry has never done 
 well, since. 
 
 At this period, JefT. held a commission 
 as brevet second lieutenant ; not the 
 highest rank in the service, perhaps, but 
 just see how much better than being 
 fourth corporal ! 
 
 Our hero was now, for the first time in 
 his life, a gentleman, — that is, an oflBcer 
 in the regular army ; and it is well 
 known that all regular army officers are 
 gentlemen, without exception. 
 
 The chivalrous and noble savage got 
 his beautifully-painted back up, at about 
 this period, and began scalping the fron- 
 tier settlers under the leadership of the 
 wild untutored chief. Black Hawk. 
 
 An almost interminable ruction en^ 
 sued, in which the Indians were accos- 
 
tomed to bebave a good deal as the soldiers of the Confederate arrnj 
 have since conducted themselves. 
 
 now JEFF WAS PEOMOTED. 
 
Our pioad young lieutenant assumed h'.s most martial expression, 
 put on a new pair of epaulettes, unsheathed his virgin sword, and 
 rushed to the frontier of Florida in a mule-cart. The spectacle 
 was said to bo sublime ; probably sublimer than blazes. 
 
 On his arrival, he constructed a gin cocktsil for the commanding 
 ofiBcer, who was so delighted with its delicacy and subtleness of flavor, 
 that he at once appointed Lieutenant Davis aid-dc-camp on his staff, 
 remarking at the same tune, that " a devilish fine bar-keeper waa 
 ep'Ued when that young man entered the army.'" 
 
 CHAPTER m. 
 
 HE cocktails that 
 Jeff, now mixed in 
 his official capacity 
 so fired his South- 
 ern heart that he 
 performed prodi- 
 gies of valor. 
 
 He withstood a 
 terrific assault 
 from an old half- 
 ■fareed squaw, arm- 
 ed with a broom, 
 and contested the 
 ground with her 
 for half a mile, fi- 
 nally retreating in 
 good order after 
 the object of his 
 reconno i s s a n c o 
 had been attained. 
 The difficulty 
 
 with which this great strategic movement was accomplished, sug- 
 gested to him the proprieb?^ of having a horse to bear him away 
 from his enemies with greater celerity than his somewhat large feet 
 could encompass. 
 
 He accordingly applied for a position as First Lieutenant of dra- 
 goons, and received his commission soon after. 
 
 Mounted, be presented an awful and gloomy appearance. He was 
 even at this immature age, a cadaverous-looking Southern gentleman, 
 habitually wearing a full uniform, a sparse goatee and numerous 
 pimples. In weight and complexion, he was inclined to be light ; in 
 drinking, heavy ; in politics, Democratic ; in war, bloodthirsty but 
 harmless. In other respects, nothing of any couseqtience. 
 
 When Elack Hawk apd Tomahawk were played out, after sev- 
 eral years of desultory fighting . . . much prolonged by the genera] 
 antipathy for a vigorous prosecution of the war which the noble 
 Southern army-gentlemen customarily displayed . . . Lieutenant 
 Jeff, pursued the bubble reputation furtlicr into the cannon's mouth 
 . . . where it unhappily burst ... in other Indian troubles. 
 
He not only slew, but got slewed. He devoured his enemies : at 
 least those of a liquid nature ; aud earned the name of hard drinker, 
 a har,d rider, a hard drill-masicr, and a hard case generally. 
 
 In June, 1835, after seven ycare of aboriginal skirmishing on aa 
 original plan, the Indian wars became serious, and Jeff, resigned hla 
 lientenantcy with becoming resignation. 
 
 It is quite needless to say that it was instantly accepted. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 FTER eight tran- 
 quil years of cot- 
 ton planting and 
 negro raising . . . 
 in which last pur- 
 suit he was ex- 
 tremely skil Iful 
 . . . Jefferson Davis 
 left off beinga 
 Southern gentle- 
 man and began to 
 be a Southern poli- 
 tician. 
 
 In 1843, when 
 Polk was running 
 the gauntlet of 
 abuse usually en- 
 dm"ed by candi- 
 dates for tho Chief- 
 Magistracy of the 
 nation, Jeff, wag 
 chosen elector for 
 the State of Missis- 
 sippi. The intelli- 
 gent reader is undoubtedly aware that Polk was elected and in 
 consequence of this fact some glory accrued to elector Davis. 
 
 This glory bore him safely, if not triumphantly, into Congress in 
 the year 1845. He had not been in the military scrvice-eo long that 
 he could not be civil at times, and it is said that he behaved with 
 very marked decen, y to the gentlemen who announced bis election 
 to him. 
 
 They all fell under the table in his dining-room a few hours after 
 communicating the good news. 
 
 But within one short year of this political splendor, <i shudder 
 swept across the country. The swarthy and monte-loving descen- 
 dan tof the Montczumas uplifted his flashing blade against our Texan 
 border, and invited us in wrathful accents, to knock tho chips of 
 discord from his athletic shoulder. 
 
 The nation flew to arms. So did the First Mississippi Volunteers. 
 J. Davis harangued them with burning eloquence and gin cocktails, 
 to sncb snpematural extent that they unanimously elected him Colo* 
 
10 
 
 nfil of the regiment. The then Governor of Mississippi drank a sin. 
 gle cocktail, and instantly ratified the commission, stating that it 
 was the proudest moment of his life . . . which it probably was. 
 
 JEFF AS A PLANTER, 
 
 It is not within the biographer's province to detail the entire hia- 
 tory of the Mexican war, nor to relate the conduct of Colonel J. 
 Davis -with reference to his regimental pay-roll. 
 
 It is, however, to be mentioned that our hero reinforced General 
 Zachary Taylor on the Rio Grande, and accompanied him through- 
 out his campaign. 
 
 At Monterey, he led his command into the thick of safety, but at 
 Buena Vista he made a slight mistake, and got iuto a place where 
 tliere were some Mexicans. He immediately formed his men in 
 the shape of a V, with the point toward the enemy. 
 
 The Mexican officers, not realizing that any body could be fool 
 enough to receive an attack in this position, feared some new and 
 hidden mystery in military science, and made but a timid and doubt- 
 ful onslaught, so that Colonel Davis believed . . . and will, to his last 
 day . . . that he had discovered an impregnable position. 
 
 It has since been largely tried in Virginia, by various Confederate 
 heroes, with different results. 
 
 There was some little fighting after this, and Jeff, received several 
 
11 
 
 severe wounds, but was, forhinaiolj, sober enoufjh to keep aia sad- 
 dle, notwithstanding, until the cad of the bati,lc ; when he was 
 highly complimented by General Taylor, who asiured him that he 
 was not such a fool as be looked. 
 
 THE HARANGUE. 
 
 A little dog with a new brass collar could not be more justly 
 proud than JefF. was on this occasion. 
 
 He subsequently evinced his gratitude to the Grcneral, by marry- 
 ing his daughter, in direct oppo ;ition to her father's wishes. 
 
 CHAPTEP. V. 
 
 N July, 1847, the term of 
 service for which the first 
 Mississippi was enlisted, ex- 
 pired, and their noble colonel 
 led them from the field of 
 conflict in his accostomed 
 dashing manner. On his arri- 
 val at home, the great and 
 good Polk offered him a brig- 
 adier-generalohip of State 
 Militiiu 
 
 Now mark the instincts of 
 the Southern gentleman. 
 
 J. Davis declined this of- 
 f T, on the ground that the 
 State alone c.\n commission 
 its officers, and that th; ir ap- 
 pointment by tJie Executiva 
 
12 
 
 would be an infraction of state rights. That is to say, tL'/ the Gov- 
 erner of all the states, can not coDimission a militia-ofSceT. for one ol 
 them. 
 
 The principle of state rights is a very beautifal one, wii adapted 
 to the meanest capacity. 
 
 That is the reason of its popularity in the South. 
 
 At about this period, a gentleman who had flUed a senatorial chair 
 in the Mississippi legislatnu-e, had the misfortune to die, and JeflF. was 
 appointed to take his place. 
 
 " Now,'' said his chivalrous and high-toned comparlons, " now, we 
 have indeed a man among us who linows how to m?.ke cock-tails !'* 
 
 Whereupon, they elected him for the balance of the term. 
 
 Of course he did nobly. He argued that the gi-eatness of the na- 
 tion depended on tlie number of niggers owned in Mississippi, and 
 
 FOOTE, RUNNING FOE THE GOVERNOESHIP. 
 
 that if the Government was to be permanent and powerful, it must 
 be subject to the whine of the sundry and various state rulers. 
 
 The continuancy of this sapient curse were as delighted with his 
 efforts that when he ran for the Governorship, shortly after, they 
 elected his antagonist, Mr. Footo, by a majority of nine hundred 
 and ninety-nine. 
 
 This Mr. Foote, who vanquished Jeff, on that occasion, is the same 
 gentleman who recently visited this city and was locked up in 
 Eldridge-street jail. 
 
 Having had his nose thus put out of joint, our hero retired to his 
 farm, licked his niggers, drank his cocktails, and otherwise indulged 
 in the pleasing pastoral pursuits of the high-toned Southern planter; 
 
V6 
 
 varying his amusements occasionally with the more exciting exercl^ 
 of a bowie-knife fight or a gouging match. 
 
 Thus he lived, beloved by his neighbors and himself, until 1852, 
 when Poor Pierce was selected as a candidate for the presidency. 
 
 J. Davis then arose, like the lion from his lair, shook the dewdropa 
 
 BEWAED OP POLITICAL VIETUE, 
 
 from his mane, put on his tailed coat and satin stock, and entei«d 
 the political arena with courage in his heart, fire in his eye, a quid in 
 his cheek and a dirk down his back. 
 
 His slumping was remarkably successful. He used convincing 
 arguments, and undoubtedly advanced some of them in the form of 
 a V, or may be an X, so Poor Pierce was sent to Washington to 
 smile, and talk pretty to the foreign embassadors, and get very tight, 
 ° ud have bad portraits painted by Mr. Carpenter, and so on for four 
 years. 
 
 Virtue is its own reward, but in politics, not its only. " To the 
 victors belong the spoils." The pretty President recognized the 
 influence that J. Davis's labors had had, in electing him, and evinced 
 his gratitude by making Davis Secretary of War, a very nice little 
 berth in time of peace. 
 
 Not quite so nice, however, as the presidency, and I am pained to 
 say that the new secretary grew envious of tho new president. So 
 much so, indeed, that he determined to bo president nimself, at all 
 hazards ... if not of the whole country, of a portion, at least. 
 
 While yet filling hLs post, he saw that tho North was getting 
 stronger than tho South, and that his pet schemes of nullification 
 and state rights would soon be obsolete unless sometlung were don* 
 to give tlie South an advantage. 
 
 Then it was that tho great Rebellion was Latched, and the little 
 Confederacy planned. 
 
 The army was at that time officered chiefly . . . almost entirely. . . 
 by high-toned Southern gentlemen, who^sc chivalrous hearts were 
 ripe for treason. These were pleased with JefFs action in increasing 
 the anny by four new regiments, introducing light tactics and rifled 
 
14 
 
 Arms, and above all, by greatly improving and strengthening the 
 fortifications of the Southern frontiers and seacoast. 
 
 tJp to this time Mr. Jefferson Davis attracted but little attention 
 from the public in general. He was looked on simply as one of the 
 many pabUc functionaries, which it is necessary for the credit of a 
 free and enlightened people, should be supported at public ex- 
 pense, and devote their time principally to their own private con- 
 cerns. 
 
 The fascinations of the capitol, did not however cause our hero 
 to leave the path of duty, he still mixed his cocktails as faithfully 
 as ever, and drew bis salary with exemplary promptitude. But 
 events were on the tapis that were to make the name of J. Davis, 
 Esq., shine, like the decaying fish in the Randolphian metaphor, 
 which shines and stinks, shines and stinks, sir. Still, Davis ne- 
 glected not his spiritual welfare, and Jeff, put many cocktails whera 
 they would cease to be a temptation to the weak. 
 
15 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 HEN Abraham Lincoln 
 and Hannibal Hamlin 
 were nominated to the 
 Presidency and Vice-Pre- 
 sidency, the high-toned 
 skallywags of the sunny 
 South saw a fair excuse 
 for developing their na- 
 tural loveliness of charac- 
 ter. 
 
 Accordingly they nomi- 
 nated three sets of can- 
 didates from their own 
 party, and swore that if 
 Lincoln were elected they 
 would disrupt the United 
 States. 
 
 Knowing very well, all 
 the time, that if they ran 
 three men for the Presi- 
 dency, it would bo sura 
 
 to elect the one who ran against them ; 
 the one party being divided, and the other 
 united. 
 
 Naturally enough, Mr. Lincoln was elect- 
 ed in November, 1860, and in the follow- 
 ing month a secCBsion convention assem- 
 bled in Charleston, S. C. aud passed an 
 ordinance, taking South Carolina out of 
 the Union. 
 
 Hereupon, Major Anderson, loyal com- 
 mander of the Charleston harbor-defences, 
 went from Fort Moultrie, a weak place, 
 to Fort Sumter, a strong place. His saga- 
 city was very higiily applauded. Then 
 Jno. B. Floyd, whoso portrait subsequently 
 disfigured the llogues' Gallery in our New 
 York police headquarters, resigned his 
 
 Eosition as Secretary of War, to which he 
 ad succeeded JefiF. Davis, and in which 
 he had faithfully carried out all the de- 
 sign? of that eminent bummer. 
 
 HOW FLOYD LEFT THH 
 TREASCTKY. 
 
16 
 
 CHAPTER Vir. 
 
 IGHTEEN sixty-one wag ushered in 
 by a general crumble of all our solid 
 institutions. It has taken four years 
 to stop that crumble, and it will take 
 ten more to re-build it. Confidence 
 was not a public commodity at that 
 time, though confidence-men were 
 plenty and sat in high places. Arse- 
 nals and vessels and forts were seized 
 everywhere in the South, by State 
 troops, and the initiatory gun of re- 
 bellion was fired from the Morris 
 Island forts at the steamer Star of the 
 West, which was sent to Fort Sv.mter 
 with reinforcements for Major An- 
 derson. 
 
 Howell Cobb, thitherto Secretary 
 of the Treasury, had. sent nearly all 
 the income of the Government to the 
 South, and then, stealing the final six 
 millions himself, magnanimously resigned. This action, and that of 
 Floyd and Davis previously, gave the chivalry decidedly the inside 
 track, so when South Carolina struck the fii'st blow, the other high- 
 toned States followed in quick succession. 
 
 On the 9th of January, Mississippi seconded South Carolina's 
 example, and Jefil Davis, after maundering treason and fustion in 
 the Senate about it, resigned, and left also. On his return to his 
 adopted State, two influential white citizens wished him to assume 
 command of his ancient regiment — 
 the Ist Mississippi — but as that organ- 
 ization could not be discovered, and 
 as he had loftier views, he declined, 
 and employed his energies in the 
 noble task of firing the Southern 
 heart. 
 
 Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana 
 all made fools of themselves within 
 this same month of January, by sece- 
 ding ; and early in the next, while a 
 Peace Congress was assembling at 
 Washington, a Confederate conven- 
 tion gathered at Montgomery, Ala- 
 bama, and elected Jeff. " President 
 of the Provisional Government of 
 the Southern Confederacy." 
 
 The whereabouts of the said South- 
 ern Confederacy are at present un- 
 
 tnown. THE INFLUENTIAL CITIZENS. 
 
17 
 
 On the 18th of Febraary, '61, Jefif. was formally inaugurated to 
 his new position, with Aleck Stephens as his Vice-President. It 
 was said at the time that a president, with so few virtuea, could 
 hardly need a vice. 
 
 Both of these gentlemen are reported to have been very much 
 tickled. 
 
 On the 4th of March ensuing, Mr. Lincoln was inaugurated, and 
 took the place of the poor, paltry, pattering, puny old public func- 
 tionary, Buchanan, who had earned some reputation by being 
 caricatured in the funny papers, but had no other claims to be con- 
 sidered otherwise than in the light of a poor shoat. 
 
 Hereupon Texas seceded. 
 
 The Southern heart, meanwhile, did not seem to take fire with 
 that degree of rapidity which Jeff, desired ; so, in order to give the 
 ball a fair start, Fort Sumter was bombarded and, captured by the 
 valiant and bloodthirsty Carolinians. 
 
 FIBSX BOMBABDMENT OF SUMTER. 
 
 (From a Southern Point of View.) 
 
 "With tins brilliant acliievemect, the ball opened. President Lin- 
 coln, abandoning the policy — or want of policy — of Buchanan, 
 issued invitations for seventy-five thousand young men to pay a 
 three months visit to the " sacred soil." This promising to be a 
 rather pleasant excursion, the chances of " going down to Washing- 
 ton to light for Abraham's daughter," who tui'ned out a mythical 
 personage after all, were at a premium, and were jumped at with 
 even greater alacrity than the bounty jumpmg of after days. 
 
 Unable to say Nay, Virginia was carried out of the Union by a 
 BCt of rascals imported for the purpose, and the Virgin State found 
 berself in the hands of a Lctcbcr. 
 
18 
 
 CHAPTER Vm. 
 
 ASEINGTON was Booa 
 filled with camps, and 
 Jeff, discovered that he 
 had imder taken a re- 
 mart ably big job. He 
 got quite sick thinking 
 about it, and issued a 
 proclamatioQ for the 
 equipment of privateers 
 and the granting of let- 
 '^^ ters of marque, while on 
 his sick bed. 
 
 The fight had now ar- 
 snmed really serious pro- 
 portions. Two new levies of loyal troops were shortly called out, 
 the Rebel Congress began its first regular session, and Tennessee 
 seceded. Then Arkansas seceded. Then North Carolina seceded. 
 
 The first battle of the war, that could be considered much more 
 than a skirmish, was that of Cull Run. Most people have probably 
 heard of it. It was there that Jeff's, militaiy prowess had its earliest 
 oatlet since the memorable days of his V-shaped manceuvi'e at 
 Buena Vista. 
 
 He was on the ground in person, and modified Peter Beauregard's 
 plans just enough to spoil them enturely. The result was that at the 
 outset the chivalry got beautifully whipped ; so beautifully and 
 easily, in fact, that the raw troops of the Union didn't imagine it 
 was possible, and mistook the last ineffectual rally of the Rebels for 
 an additional onslaught, fell into eonfasion, which soon became a 
 panic, and ran all the way to Washington in disorder. 
 
 This was considered very rusty, especially by the newspapers. 
 Every editor in the North thought that if he had only been there 
 
19 
 
 ^be Rebels would all have been Idllecl, skinned and eaten, and the 
 ftar-spangled bauncr in triumph should wave, etcetera, etcetera. 
 
 V/liOQ the Rebels found that thero was no enemy in their fronts 
 they contented themselves with bio ' ing about their overwhelming 
 and decisive victory and sat down iK'hind theii' worlss, vcr. glad 
 that the Union army was limning norlhward instead or southward. 
 and very much afraid to follow it in any direction. 
 
 After the battle, Jclf. drove triumphantly into Richmond in an 
 open barouche, and accented the eniire credit of the victory, in a 
 most gracioua manner. The newspapers of that city a; once ass-'erted, 
 editorially, that Jeff, was a greater miliiary genius than Alexander, 
 Hunuibal, or H. J. Raymond ; and that, compared with his talent, 
 oflfensive and defensive, N. Euonapar tc and his marshals, not to speak 
 of Charles XII. of Sweden, and others, were a set of poor-white 
 trash whose annies couldn't have withstood the high-toned legions 
 of the sunny South ten minutes ! 
 
 ileanwhile, Peter Beauregard's gentlemanly and scholarly heroes 
 weie disemboweling the wounded for bowie-knife practice, and 
 making whiskey-goblets for their sweethearts out of the skulls of the 
 dead. Jeff., having now some foundationfor popularity, became the 
 idol of a large partv. They proclaimed tho Confederacy a fixed 
 fact, and demanded its recognition by foreign powers. They ex- 
 tolled Jeff, as the Saviour of the South, and the most admirable 
 uesceudant of the cavaliers that ever licked a nigger or propagated 
 half-breeds. In a word, things flourished in the Confederacy, and 
 JcfiTs. darling dreams seemed in a pretty fair way to come to some- 
 thing. These were his palmy days. He dwelt at the Spottswood House, 
 ate the fat of the land and the fullness thereof, drank blockade- 
 running champaigne, and squandered his ingeniouslj-contnved cur- 
 rency, based upon tho old but ever popular financial lorinciplo of 
 " heads, I win ; tails, you lose." (The foregoing passage is intended 
 to be in the style of Barou Macaulay, only better.) 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 N the Febmary of the following year 
 — 1862 — Jeff, was re-elected to the 
 Presidency such as it was, by a large 
 — rather a saspiciously large — majori- 
 ty, for the full Confederate terra of six 
 years. It is not known that he is like- 
 ly to repeat that term. 
 
 No sooner was ho fairly settled in 
 the chair of the Executive, thim a 
 brisk opposition began lo assail him. 
 Some of the newspapers that had 
 praised him loudest-mouthed, now 
 declared him a thief, and, what waa 
 still more impolite, proved it. 
 
 This might not have had any great 
 
 effect in the face of high successes on 
 
 > tlie part of the Southern army and 
 
20 
 
 flary ; but, unhappily for Jeff., tbe little affairs at Forts Htnry, Pu- 
 lasla and Doneison, and Roanoke Island, Columbus, Pea-Ridge, 
 Hamptod Roads, Newbern, Island No. 10., Winchester, Pittsburg 
 Landing, and otliers, quite too numerous to mention, rather shook 
 the faith of the poor-whites, jiist undergoing the fii'st pleasures of 
 
 AK0SEMENTS OF THE CHIVALBY. 
 
 conscriptiou, in the soundness of judgment displayed by the high.* 
 toned Southern gentleman who y, as spending their money in Rich- 
 mond. 
 
 It is notable that JeflF.'s nobility of soul led him to desire a gentle 
 and bloodless prosecution of the war — especially on our side. He 
 constantly declared it barbarous and inhuman for us to hang poor 
 fellows out West, who, out of mere playfulness and exuberance 
 of animal spirits, persisted in farming by day, and throwing railroad 
 cars off the track, murdering and scalping families picking oflP 
 videttes, etc, by night , 
 
 All such, he claimed, were '• good Confederates" — ^meaning bad 
 Christians — and if we went on hanging them, he would retaliate. 
 
 In fact, he got retaliation on the brain, at last. When General 
 Butler (peace to his reputation !) issued his famous " woman order" 
 in New Orleans, Jeff, proposed to retaliate. When we first hanged 
 a spy, duly and according to the laws of civilized warfare, Jeff, 
 put forth a retaliation proclamation at once. When President Lin- 
 coln proclaimed the slaves of armed Rebels free, JeflT. spawned an 
 order for retaliation. 
 
 Thus, for several years, this good Confederate President perform- 
 ed but two great public services : the signing of bills for raising 
 new loans on cotton that belonged to somebody else, and orders for 
 retaliation that could not be executed. 
 
 In time, the mass of the Rebel armies becoming composed of 
 anwilling conscripts, and these not greatly fancying the idea of 
 
21 
 
 being soundly whipped in every battle, desertions grew esceedingly 
 frequent, Indeed, the chivalrous sons of the cavaliers got so used 
 to running away that they took every opportunity to do so, whether 
 in an engagement or in camp. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 HE mighty chieftain, whose his- 
 tory I am detailing, soon found his 
 forces so weakened thus, that in 
 August, 1863, he offered an am- 
 nesty to all deserters, promising 
 them a free pardon if tbey woulii 
 return to his and their arms within 
 sixty days. They didn't do it. 
 
 Shortly after this, Mr. John B. 
 Floyd rendered Lis country a 
 signal service . for the first time 
 
 Bince he became a politician. None other of all his acts ever gave 
 
 such real pleasure to the patriotic portion of the nation. 
 This he accomplished by dying, on the 26tb of August, 18G3. 
 Jeff. Davis would have done 
 
 well, both for himself and the 
 
 rest of mankind, had he follow- 
 ed his fellow-traitor's example. 
 
 Unhappily, good taste was never 
 
 numbered among his prominent 
 
 qualities. 
 In the ensuing Congress, held 
 
 at Richmond, Jeff.'s time-hon- 
 ored aad ancient enemy and 
 
 rival, Mr. Henry S.Foote — who 
 
 beat him in the contest for the 
 
 Mississippi governorship some 
 
 fourteen years before — got up 
 
 and spoke out, among other 
 
 things, some very wholesome 
 
 truths, in very plain language. 
 He averred that the Confed- 
 eracy was going to the d ^1 
 
 at a lively pace; which was 
 
 true. That it might easily be '^ 
 
 made a great success ; which ^ 
 
 was false. That its navy of ) 
 
 pirates had almost entirely gone 
 
 to Davy Jones's LocLer ; which 
 
 was true. That its sails should 
 
 by that time have whitened 
 
 every _ sea ; which was false. 
 
 That its armies were getting 
 
 soundly thrashed on every hand; 
 
 EFFECT OP ms DEATH, UPON A DI8- 
 TINGOISHED CHAKACTER. 
 
^' 
 
 22 
 
 wMch was tma That the heroism and nobility of their cause de- 
 served better ; which was false. That all Confederate misfortunea 
 
 THE REBEL GENERAL LYON. 
 
 were due to the dishonesty, rapacity, incompetence and debauchery 
 of the rulers, especially Jeff. Davis ; which was emphatically true. 
 
 So true, indeed, that it made Jeff, wince perceptibly in spite of 
 his famously hard cheek. 
 
 Simultaneously with the attack of this senator, the opposition 
 newspapers poured additional and increased volleys of hot shot 
 into the Presidential hulk, until the people began to see how they 
 had been duped, the army began to be disaffected, and things in 
 general looked decidedly mixed. Peace resolutions were offered 
 in the Rebel Congress, and every body clamored for a speedy end 
 of the war. 
 
 To these clamors, Jeff, responded by sending commissioners 
 armed with plenary power to do nothing but vapor about recogni- 
 tion, armistice, etc., to which he knew no Union statesman would 
 listen for a moment. 
 
 ^ Meanwhile, Mr. Lincoln having been triumphantly re-elected Pre- 
 sident, the cause of the high-toned Southern gentlemen grew more 
 And more shaky. It appeared, in tact, to be actually upon its last 
 
23 
 
 1^8 ; and Jeff., despairing of any other success, determined to ste i 
 bH he could carry, aod run, when he found he could stay no longer. 
 
 JEFF. AS AN ORATOR. 
 
 His Secretaries of State and of War, unable to stand the racket, 
 resigned Janu£\ry 20, '65, and he found it necessary to get up some 
 eort of reaction. Accordingly, he and his few remaining partisan 
 tools exerted themselves to the utmost, his own task being a speechi- 
 fying tour about the country. 
 
 These movements were not devoid of result. Foote, the implac- 
 able, was expelled from the Rebel Congress, and went off to Emope 
 on a blockade runner. The armies were likCAvise inspirited by a 
 new consolidation, a little whiskey, and the appointment of General 
 Lee Gencral-in-Chief— a sort of military dictator, which, however, 
 has not proved so efQcient as our naval Dictator. 
 
 The enthusiasm thus made to flicker up was but brief and ephem- 
 eral. It was the last flash of a guttering candle, with a winding- 
 sheet in the wick, soon to expire in a bad-smelling smoke. 
 
 The whole Confederacy now consisted of about as much area as 
 a smart horse could trot around in three days ; and there were a 
 good many smart horses trotting around it. Its lines were getting 
 drawn uncommonly tight, and any surveyor who wanted to make a 
 map of it would have had a pretty easy time. 
 
 The invaluable Confed- 
 erate money sold, at this 
 epoch, at about frsvo cents 
 on the dollar, and buyers 
 were not very anxious to 
 get it even at that appar- 
 ently moderate price. 
 
 In order, then, to have 
 something sure, Jeff, caused 
 all the specie that could 
 be found in his rapidly 
 diraiiiLshing dominions to 
 be brougliL to the Rich- 
 mood banking hoi^ics, and 
 
 CONFEDERATE LIKES. 
 
•#. 
 
 24 
 
 placed on deposit. He retained the keys to their specie vaults m 
 der his o-wTi care— iflcMy as a measure of safety 
 
 The taldng of Charleston, S. C, and Wilmington, N. C, following 
 in quick succession, made s'dll farther trouble in the Confederate 
 camp, and it is molanchol • to record that the once mighty Jeff, could 
 think of no better way to restore confidence among his subjects, 
 than by ordering a general day of fasting, humiliation and prayer. 
 And this for a people who had been compelled to endure fasting 
 and humiliation for many mouths already ! 
 
 Under all these cii'cumstances, it cannot be considered a remark- 
 able phenomenon that the Kebel Congress should declare it impos- 
 sible to issue any more governmental currency. That issued 
 hitherto could not be given away ; it was therefore judged inexpe- 
 dient to continue printing it. 
 
 Two days afterward tMa memorable Congress adjourned, sine die, 
 and without appointing a future place of assembly. Indeed, some 
 of them seemed a little incredulous about holding any more sessions 
 at all ! 
 
 Dreary, indeed, were these last days of the. Confederacy. Mrs. 
 
 A DREADFUL POSSIBIITY. 
 
 Davis saw with pain that the joyous spring-time was coming, and 
 yet she kuew not what sort of bonnet to get, for ahe could not say 
 
^. 
 
 25 
 
 in wlint qnarfer of tho world lior seiiKon migbt be pat-seJ. Possibly 
 in <»ouie remote sind uafrieudly region wliere bonnets are unknown 
 
 [Let luo here stale tiiat ibis lady, «vhose geatle miud w.i-i thus 
 exercised, is not the dau<!;liter of General Taylor, whom Jeff. Brdt 
 espoused. She was fortunate enough to pass from the turmoil and 
 turpitude of this world before she had to blush for the ignominy of 
 her husband. After her demise he wedded a se<''ond time, and his 
 partner then chosen— said to be a grand-daughter of General 
 Howell, of New Jersey — ^joined her fortuned to those of the desperate 
 firch-traitor, even unto the bitter end.] 
 
 General Grant, learning the condition of things in Dixie at thia 
 time, at once began a lively little movement along the entire line in 
 (rout of Petersburg, and within twenty-four hours that city and 
 
 THE MOVEMENT. 
 
 Richmond were evacuated. They were occupied on the 3rd of 
 April, and poor Jeflf. fled to Danville with his family and specie, in- 
 augurating a wild goose chase, which only terminated in a sceno 
 which I shall treasure up for the close of this work. 
 
 It is a fine instance of poetic justice that President Lincoln should 
 have lived to visit Richmond, and to hold a levee in Jeff.'s deserted 
 mansion. Read by the light of this fact, how funny it is to remem- 
 ber the boasts of tho high-toned Southern editors, t! .at Mrs. Davis 
 had Issued cards for a dinner in the White house at TR ashington for 
 July 4, 18C2. 
 
 [A historian should not be a moralist ; but there ia so little that 
 is moral about me, I may be pardoned the above reflortion.] 
 
 While Jeff, went lightsomely skedaddling across lov3 toward an 
 unknown destination, General Grant was suggesting \a General Lee 
 that ho should surrender. 
 
 " I could hold my ground," replied Lee, " and fight you forever. 
 But not without loss of life, and a good general never loses life. 
 Therefore, 1 surrender !" 
 
 With tho news of tliia surrender, came that of the capture of 
 Mobile. 
 
 Confederate stocks experiencecPb perceptible decline. 
 
 Through swamps and fens, where tho miasma and hoptoad bad it 
 all their own way ; over corduroy roads and slopes of tinxbair where 
 
26 
 
 no white man liad ever traveled or ever will travel without feeling 
 hurt when he lits down, went Jeif., the fugitive President, accom- 
 
 "'/,rf^ V 111 .N /.^> 
 
 
 ^.^^^ 
 
 THIS FUOHT. 
 
 punied by his family, a few dare-devil dragoons, and a small wagon 
 train. 
 
 His ill-goften specie soon disappeared. The carts containing it 
 broke down, and the lucre was instantly taken in trust for JefiF. 
 by a large number of soldiers, negroes, citizens and others, who 
 doubtless intended remitting it to him in a letter as soou as he got 
 settled. 
 
 _ It was on a fine Oriental morning in the month of May, while the 
 little hopscoots were singing their songs of praise, and the dew drops 
 were shining celestially among the leaves of the odorous jimson- 
 weed, that the gallant Fourth Michigan cavalry, under command of 
 Colonel Pritchard, went slashing around the swampa that lie adja- 
 cent to the highly Confederate village of IrwiosviUe, Irwin county, 
 Georgia. 
 
 There they siu^jrised a rustic camp, guarded by a stalwart^ but 
 imid company of higb-toned dragoons, who partly fled, incontinent 
 and speedy, and partly surrendered on sight. 
 
 A marquee-tent, more closely guarded than the rest, attracted 
 the especial notice of the inquisitive Michiganders. They approached 
 Its opening, and demanded information on the subject of its occu- 
 pants. 
 
 " I hope," responded an undeniably feminine voice from within, 
 "that you will allow us ladies time to dress before you take us pris- 
 oners I" 
 
 Colonel Pritchard being a tender-hearted hero, consented to this 
 arrangement, and gave the ladies some minutes in which to complete 
 their toilette. 
 
 At the espiration of their armistice, Mrs. Jefferson Davis issued 
 from the marquee, accompanied by a venerable but awkward wo- 
 Eoan, who wore a wooden water pail upon her arm. 
 
27 
 
 " I hope," said Mrs. Davis, " that you will allow myself and mo« 
 thor to go to the spring for some watev before you take us prison- 
 ers ?» 
 
 The soldiers debated, inwardly, whether or not this could be pei»' 
 
 THE COMING FORTH. 
 
 mitted ; but meanwhile the mother and daughter were doing well 
 in the way of making tracks for the swamp. 
 
 They ran with considerable ability, and the jovial cavalrymen 
 mighi have suiTered them to escape, had it not been for a slight 
 thou.?]rh important accident. 
 
 This should teach us the importance of proper education in youth. 
 Had Jeff, but practiced private theatricals in his early days he 
 would probably not have failed on the occasion of his debute in fe- 
 male character before a Georgia audience. 
 
 In clearing the trunk of a fallen tree, Old Mother Davis's skirts 
 7-elded tl\cir folds to the wanton will of the morning breeze, and an 
 cbservanfc trooper saw, beneath the swaying plenitude of crinoIin< 
 a&d faded flannel, on unmititakable pair of top-bootsl 
 
28 
 
 CAPHURB OF OLD MOTHER DAVIS. 
 
29 
 
 •' Boots I boots ! —stop him I" cried (he astonished soldier. 
 His comrades took up the cry, and in a moment a score of ye51ow 
 trimmed cavaliers were in hot parsTxit. 
 
 Tb'fre was but one way in which the chase could terminwte. 
 Mother Davis was speedily suiTounded The deep hood which k»ad 
 concealed the fugitive's features fell back, and revealed the hig-h- 
 toncd but scraggy face and groy goatee of the President of theCiiQi* 
 federate States of ^Vmerica I 
 
30 
 
 " I thought," he cried, in accents wild, " yonr government were 
 loo magnanimous to make war on women and children !" 
 
 " Haw, haw, haw !" cried the cavalrymen. 
 
 Kicking, scratching, biting and behaving in an otherwise feminine 
 manner, Old Mother Davis was seized and conducted to Colonel 
 Pritchard's headquaxters, while Mrs. D. came after, averring in shrill 
 accents — 
 
 " You'd better not meddle with Mr. Davis ; he may hurt some of 
 you!" 
 
 As being hurt is part of the cavalry trade, this timely warning 
 passed unheeded, and Old Mother Davis was soon persuaded to 
 quietude by the exhibition of divers revolvers. 
 
 With tho party were also captured Confederate Postmaster-General 
 Reagan, Colonel Harrison (private secretary to Jeff.), Colonel John- 
 eon (aid-de-camp), and others. The entire gang was forwarded at 
 once to Fortress Monroe, arriving at that pleasant watering place in 
 irons, on the steamer William P. Clyde. 
 
 Here he manifested some discontent with his rations, intimating 
 that it was not " the kind of thing to which he was accustomed," 
 &c., &c. This was indeed probable, for since JefiF. has been eighteen 
 years of age he has been fed at the expense of Uncle Sam— with the 
 interval between 18C1 and 18G5 (when Jeff, left his old boarding- 
 house) — and that old gentleman keeps a tolerably good table. It 
 is quite natural, however, that the cooks should be a little rougher 
 than they used to be in old times, some of them having learned at 
 Andersonville, Millen and Libby, where the aim of (he cook waa 
 rather to satisfy hunger than to ticke the palate. The doctor now 
 sends Jeff, all his meals from his o«n table, and Jeff, feels more 
 comfortable, which must make his friends in the South feel better, 
 for they still love him very much there, where they regard him as 
 the author of all the many blessings which they now enjoy. 
 
 Jeff.'s family were sent to Richmond, and thence South, in a few 
 days. He did not feel able to accompany them for obvious reason?. 
 
 OBVIOUS REASONS. 
 
 Indeed, after arriving at Monroe, he kept his room quite scrup- 
 iously, receiving hardly any company, and leading a decidedly re- 
 tired life. 
 
31 
 
 What the close of his seclusion may be, I know^ not at this 
 present writins:, but I can express what it should be, accord- 
 ing to the verdict of the American people, in this simple illustrO' 
 tion that follows, and which alone can fitly end the Life of Jefferson 
 Dayis. 
 
 THS ES9. 
 
J. C. HANEY & CO.'S PUBLICATIONS. 
 
 GOOD BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY. 
 
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 purchsser. Wo have aimed to issue good and popular BooJiS rather than to swell 
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 selling rapidly, and we believe are giving entire satisfaction. 
 
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 carried on through the mail, or by perambulating and travelling operators. This 
 Is the only work of the kind issued. All the new dodges are exposed. Illustrated. 
 Price 25 cents. 
 
 The Night Side of New York. — This book sbow^ up 
 
 the various scenes and peculiarities of the Great Metropolis at night. It is the 
 work of a number of writers wlicso ability is unquestioned. No one man could 
 write such a book alone ; and tbo present writers, by combining their knowledge 
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 Secrets "Worth Knowing. — A Collection of Valuable 
 
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 Carmie, tue Creole Spy. — On« of tbe best stories of 
 
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 by actual measurement as an ordinary twenty-five cent novel. Illustrated with 
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 Cojnc Life and Adventures of Jeff. Davis. — A little 
 
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 Comicalities : By Orpheus C. Kerr, and other Funny 
 
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 Ofiace of Merryroan's Monthly and the Comic Monthly, 
 
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HORSE TRAINING MADE EASY ! 
 
 A New and rractic.il System of 
 
 TEiiCHING AND EDIICATINO THE HORSE. 
 
 With numerous illustrations, cloth. Price $1 25. 
 
 The author, who has made the Horse his lifelong study, and whose •vr'>nder^ll 
 power over him is shown ia the readiness with which ho makes a willing suhjcct 
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 address, on receipt of price, $1 25. >6®* All ordrrs SHonLD be addressed to u9. 
 
 The Easd Ball Player's Book of Reference. 
 
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 ent from every other worlc on the subject, and contains much important matter 
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 always be on hand to consult whenever doubts or difficulties arise. 25 cents. 
 
 Handbook of Ventriloquism. 
 
 A plain, practical little work, clearly explaining the mystery of Ventriloquism, 
 and giving explicit and thorough directions, by which any one can acqiure the 
 art. It also telb? how to make tho Magic Whistle, tor imitating Birds, Animals, 
 Insects and numerous peculi.ar noises. This is no " catchpenny," as are most of 
 tho works purporting to treat this subject. Price 15 cents. 
 
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 " The author appears to have labored faithfully to explain the mysteries of the 
 art, and to initiate the learner therein." — Yankee Blade. 
 
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ROGUES AND ROC^UERISS. 
 
 A new, revisecl, and enlarged edition of this -work has 
 just been issued, includiasr, in addi'ioa to its former ex 
 posurcs of fraud and rascality, full descriptions of all 
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 against the sharpers who so skillfully set their snares, and 
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 lurks under the most innocent guise, and even the wisest 
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 send your money to any unknown person. Read it before 
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 All the tricks and traps of great cities, all swindles through 
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 '• A valuable and entertaining work on the tricks, traps, 
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 •' Rogues and Rogueries" will prove of unfailing interest." 
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 book to the uninitiated. — Yankee Blade. 
 
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SECRETS WORTH KNOWING- 1 
 
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
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 END OF THE BOOK AND END OF JEPP. DAVIS.