x *' i 3 iZ ' t * f$rt£ nt Ca.aXtvt% .^A^,-,£v^./?fe4, 3FUJV UPON FUJV? OR THE HUMOURS OF A FAIR. Giving a Description of the Curious AMUSEMENTS IN EARLY LIFE: ALSO AN ACCOUNT OF A MOUNTEBANK DOCTOR AND 111 9 MERRY ANDREW. GLASGOW: £o!d by J. Lumsden & Soul [Price Ttvopcncc^ THE MERRY ANDREW; OR THE HUMOURS OF A FAIR. Which begins in a Manner not at all Wonderful. HaLLOO Boys! halloo Boys! Huzza! Huzza! Huzza! Come Torn, nvake haste, the Fair is begun. Here is Jack Budding* with the Gridiron on his back 5 and all the Boys hallooing. Make haste, make haste, but don't get into the crowd; tor little boys are often trod 6 Fun upon Ftm 3 * or upon, and even crushed to death> by mixing with the mob. If you would be safe, by all means avoid a crowd. Look yonder, Dick Wilson there has done the very thing I cautioned you against. He has got into the middle of that great mob. A silly chit: that boy is always thrusting his nose into difficulties: sure- ly there never was such an impertinent little monkey. — How shall we get him oat? see. how the rogue scuffles and roars. He deserves all the squeezing he has got, be- cause he will never take ad- vice, and yet I am sorry for The Merry Andrew. 7 him. Who tapped me on the shoulder? Oh, Sam, what are you come puffing and blowing! Why, you look as busy as a fool in the fair. Well, what news do you bring from the region of nonsense? I have not been it, and should be glad to know what is done without the trouble of attending. 8 Fun upon Fun; or CHAR IL Sam Gooseberry's Account of the wonderful Things of the Fair. | , ^ r HY, there is such a mob- I bing at the other side of j • the Fair, says Sam, as you never saw in your life, and I one fat fellow has got among them that has made me laugh i immoderately — Stand further, good folks, says he, what a mob is here! Who raked all this filthy crowd together? Honest friend, take away your elbow. What a beastly crew am I gtit among? What a The Merry Andrew. 1 1 smell? Oh, and such squeez- ing. Why, you overgrown sloven, says a footman that stood by, who makes half so much noise and crow cl- ing as you; reduce your own fat paunch to a reasonable compass, sirrah, and there will be room enough for us all. Upon this the whole company set up a shout, and crowding around my friend, Tunbelly, so left an opening, through which I made my e- scape, and having brought off Dick Wilson with me, who, by being heartily squeezed, and having twelve of his ten toes trod off, is now cured of his 5 2 Fun upon Fun ; or impertinent curiosity. But you desire an account of the fair, and I mean to gratify you. The first thing I saw which gave ? me pleasure, was old Goffer Gingerbread' s stall. Here's gingerbread, ginger- bread here of the best. Come buy all 1 have 3 and Til give you the rest. The man of the world for gingerbread. What do you buy, what do you buy? says the old gentleman; please to buy a gingerbread wife, Sir; here's a very delicate one. Indeed there is too much gold on the nose: but that is no ob- J he Merry Andrew. 1 3 jection to those who drive Smithfield bargains, and mar- ry their wives by weight. — Will you choose to have a gin- gerbread husband, Madam; I assure you, you may have a worse; or a watch. Madam; here are watches for belles, beauxs, bucks, and blockheads. But here comes Mr. Punch. See, there he is with his haunch at his back. The crowd that came with him obliged us to leave the place; but just as we were going,Gifescalledout, gen- tlemen, buy a house before you go. 'Tis better to buy than to build. You have heard of the Cock that crowed in the morn. 14 Fun upon Fun,- or that waked the Priest all shaven and shorn, that married the Man all tattered and torn, that kissed the Maiden all forlorn, that milked the Cow with the crumpled horn, that tossed the Dog, that worried the Cat, that killed the Rat,that eat the Malt, that lay in the house that Jack built. If there is any part you do not like, you may eat itj and I sell it for a penny. Buy gentlemen, buy, and don't build. Many of my friends have ruined themselves by building. The insufferable fol- ly of building a fine house, has obliged many a man to lie in The Merry Andrew. 17 the street. Observe what the poet says on the subject: The man who builds the finest place, And cannot for it pay, Is sure to feel his wretched case, While others in it lay. 18 Tun upon Fun ; or A little further we saw one with the Wheel of Fortune before him, playing with chil- dren for oranges. What do you say? Twenty may play as well as one. Ay, and all may lose, 1 suppose. Go away, sirrah; what, do you teach children to game? Gaming is a scandalous practice. The gamester, the Har, the thief, and the pick-pocket, are first cousins, and ought all to be turned out of company. At this instant up came Dick Sadbury crying. And what do you think he cries for? Why, he has been at the gaming table; or, in other The Merry Andrew. 1 9 words, at the Wheel of For- tune,, and lost all the money that was given him by his fa- ther and mother, and the fair- ing that he received from Mr. Long, Mr. Williams, and Mrs. Goodenough. At first he won an orange, put it in to his pocket, and was pleased; and then he won a knife, whipt it up, and was happy; after this he won many other things, till at last Fortune turned a- gainst him, as at one time or other she always does against those that come to her wheel and seek her favours, and he was choused of all his money 20 Fun upon Fun; or and brought nothing away but a halfpenny Jew's harp. Why do you bellow so, you mon- key? Go away, and learn more sense for the future. Would you be wealthy, hon- est Dick, Ne'er seek success at Fortune's wheel; For shedoesallhervot'ries trick, And you'll her disappointments feel; For wealth, in virtue put your trust, Be faithjuly vigilant, and just. Never game, or if you do, never play for money. Avoid The Merry Andrew. 23 a gamester, as you would a mad dog, or as a wolf that comes to devour you. Hey day! who comes here? Oh, this is the Mountebank. He talks of curing every sore, But makes you twice as many more. But hear hiffil hear his speech, and observe the merry An- drew. The DOCTOR'S SPEECH. Gentlemen and Ladies, I am the doctor of all doctors, the great doctor of doctors, who can doctor you all. I 24? Fun upon Fun; or ease your pains gratis, cure you for nothing, and sell you my packets, that you may ne- ver be sick again, (Enter Andrew blowing on a scrub- bing-broom.) Sirrah, where have you been this morning? Andrew. Been, Sir! why, I have been on my travels, Sir, with my knife, Sir; I have travelled round this great ap- ple. Besides this, I have tra- veiled through the fair. Sir, and bought all these ginger- bread books at a man's stall, who sells learning by weight and measure, arithmetic by the gross, geometry by the square, and physic and philo The Merry Andrew. 25 sophy by the pound. So I bought the philosophy, and left the physic for you, master* Doctor. Why, sirrah, do you never take physic? Andrew. Yes, master, some times. Doctor. What sort do you take? Andrew. Any sort, no mat- ter what; *tis all one to me. Doctor. And how do you take jit? Andrew, Why I take it; I take it: and put it upon the shelf: and if I don't get well, i take it down again, and work it off with good strong ale, 26 Fun upon Fun ; or But you shall hear me read in my golden books, master. He that can dance with a bag at his back, Need swallow no physic, for none he doth lack, He who is healthy, and cheer- ful and cool, Yet squanders his money on physic's a fool^ Fool, master, fool, master, fool, fool. Doctor* Sirralt, you block- head, Til break your head. Andrew. What, for read- ing my book, Sir? Doctor. No; for your im- pudence, puppy. But come^ f I ; The Merry Andrew. 29 good people, throw up your handkerchiefs, you lose time by attending to that blunder- ing booby, and by and by you'll be in a hurry, and we shall not be able to serve you. Consider, gentlemen and la- dies, in one of these packets is deposited a curious gold ring, which the purchaser, ^ hoever it may happen to be, will have for a shilling, together with all the packet of medicines; and every other adventurer will have a packet for one shilling 5 which he may sell for ten times that sum. Andrew. Master, master^ HI tell you how to get this SO Fun upon Fun; or ring, and a great deal of mo- ney into the bargain. Doctor. How, sirrah? Andrew. Why, buy up all of them yourself, and you will be sure of the ring, and have the packets to sell for ten shillings a piece. Doctor. That's true: but you are covetous, sirrah: you are co- vetous, and want to get money. Andrew. And master, I be- lieve you don't want to get physic. Doctor. Yes I do. Andrew. Then 'tis to get rid of it. But, He that can dance with a bag at his back. The Merry Andrew. 31 Need swallow no physic, for none he doth lack. Huzza, halloo boys, halloo boys, halloo! CHAP. lit Sam Sensible's Account of what he had seen in the Fair; parti- cularly a description of the Up- and-Down, and other things. JT is strange! but some child- ren will never take ad- vice, and always are run- ning into danger and diffi- culties: that silly chit, Wat Wilful, has been riding upon 32 Fun upon Fun ; or the Up-and down, arid is fal- len off, and almost killed. — • You know what I mean by the Up-and-down? It is a horse in a box, a horse that flies in the air, like that which the ancient poets rode on. In the next page you see poor Wat and his mother la- menting over him* If he had taken her advice, all had been well; for as he was going to mount, Watj says she, don't be so ambi- tious. Ambitious people ge- nerally tumble; and when once down, it is not easy to get up again. Remember what your poor father used The Merry Andrew. 35 to read about Cardinal Wol« sey. " Farewell, a Ions; farewell to all my greatness! This is the state of man: to-day he puts forth the tender leaves of hope, to-morrow blossoms, and bears his blushing hon- ours thick upon him: The third day comes a frost, a kill- ing frost, and when he thinks, good easy man, full surely his greatness is a ripening, nips his root and then he falls as I do. I have ventured, like little wanton boys that swim on bladders, these many sum- mers in a sea of glory: But far beyond my depth! My 86 Fun upon Fun ; or high blown pride at length broke under me, and now has left me Weary, and old with service, to the mercy of a rude stream, that must for ever hide me* Vain pomp and glory of the world I hate ve, I feel mv heart new o- pened," But Wilful would, and so down he tumbled, and lies there a warning to the ob- stinate and ambitious. Had he taken his mothers advice, and rode upon the Round- about > as Dick Sta7rip, and Will Somer did, he might have whipped and spurred for an hour without doing any mis- The Merry Andrew. 37 chief, or receiving any hurt. But he was a proud and obsti- nate silly boy. DESCANT ON TIME. Now, my young friends, though you have had a trea- tise on many pleasing and im- portant subjects, yet there is one remains, and that one should not be forgot. There- fore I shall introduce a de- scant on Time; and this I hope will meet with your ap- probation; for the sole intent of this little book is to furnish yju with such lessons as may inprove your understandings and lipen your judgement. 38 Fun upon Fun; or You have just been in* formed by the Poet, that Time is a wonder worker, and truly it may well be call- ed so. It is an awful revo- lutionist, for it brings strange things to pass, and occasions innumerable vicissitudes in the world. Though it is continu- ally moving on, yet its ad- vancements are so slow and progressive, that we frequent- ly disregard its course. But that time is uncertain, and Death may cut you off even in your youth. Therefor?, improve the present hour, for you know not what tie next day may bring forth* The Merry Andrew. 41 Slow as it seems to be, it Steals upon us, and gently leads Us. from childhood to old age. When we arrive at our three- score years, then we begin to think that time runs on a- pace, and wish we had em- ployed the fleeting hours to more advantage. Here, my young friends, is the fatal error which thousands expe- rience to their cost; for they pursue their foolish vanities* and never consider that time is given us for the express purpose of preparing for eter- nity. Let me admonish you to think better, and always bear this truth in your minds. 42 Fun upon Fun; or , ON LEARNING. It is impossible to enumerate all the advantages which are derived from education or learning. It qualifies us for every station, and never fails to prove an invaluable ornament to its possessor.— But the Dunce appears in a very different light; for he is the scoff of society, and must of necessity drudge through a life of ignorance and slavery. ON BUSINESS. It is of little consequence what your calling is, provided you ful- fil your station with honesty and integrity, for that is the true source of contentment: and, if you are satisfied with that state in which The Merry Andrew. 43 God hath placed you, not even kings can desire, or be possessed of more, perhaps not so much-, be- cause higher the station, the great- er the cares. ON IDLENESS. It would be thought a hard go- vernment that should tax its people one-tenth part of their time to be employed in its service: but idle- ness taxes many of us much more, if we reckon all that is spent in absolute sloth, or in doing of no- thing, with that which is spent in idle employments or amusements, that amount to nothing. Sloth^ by bringing on diseases, absolutely shortens life. " Sloth, like rust, consumes faster than labour wears, while the used key is always bright.'; SELECT SENTENCES FOR THE CONDUCT OF LIFE. Disdain not who is below you in the gifts of fortune, since he may be as far above you in the gifts of the mind, which are the only true riches. Be very careful how you spend vour time: for when it is once past, it can never be called back again. Quiet persons are always the ob- jects of love and esteem; having therefore a hatred to all quarrels and debates. . Study to inform your minds, and reform your lives. He that lives by the rules of reason shall never be poor*, and be that governs his life by any pther rule, shall never be rich* The Merry Andrew. 47 TO A GOOD GIRL. QQj pretty Miss Prudence^ you're i come to the Fair, And a very good girl they tell me you are, Here, take this fine orange, this watch, and this knot, You're welcome, my dear, to all we have got, TO A NAUGHTY GIRL. CO, pert Misrress Prate apace t how came you here? There is nobody wants to see you at the Fair. Not an orange, an apple, a cake, or a nut, Will any one give to so saucy a slut. FINIS. % "X ^ ^! £