FL, i
• i
FROM
THE LIBRARY
OF
SIR WILLIAM OSLER , Bart.
OXFORD
■Hm
HARINGTON (Sir John) 1561-1612.
4907. The Metamorphosis of Ajax; a
Cloacinean Satire : with the Anatomy and
Apology. By Sir John Harington. To which
is added Ulysses upon Ajax. 8°. Chiswick ,
C. Whittingham , 1814.
With portr., illustrs., and an anonymous preface.
Reprints, separately paged and with the original
titles, of 3 works issued pseudonymously in 1596,
viz. * A new discourse of a stale subject : called the
Metamorphosis of Ajax . . . By Misacmos ’ ; ‘ An
Anatomy of the Metamorpho-sed Ajax. Wherein
... is plainly . . . eliquidated . . . how ^ unsavoury
places may be made sweet . . . By T. C.', with ' An
Apology ' ; and ‘ Ulysses upon Ajax ... By Miso-
diaboles \ The last is probably, the others cer¬
tainly, by Har ington. _
One of 100 copies. Inserted : an engraving of
Queen Elizabeth, the author’s godmother—“ From
the Sir John Harington copper plate in the posses¬
sion of his descendants. Given me by H. F. B.
Brett-Smith, 1916. Wm. Osier.”
The * Anatomy ’ of Ajax (ajakes, or privy) is an
illustrated description of the water-closet invented
by Harington. __
' • * /«- '-A*»
<Ur ^ ' "
/ ’ 4 ~~*
yr&A~
——
durjitts (&\visit ®utlrgt.
©*fnrb.
/ZJgfv/'ftf.
S*\ Q*((*<*
i
$
3 ^tcrh^Lf' }/~ ru,jC/~
jfr h*<H a. fa^u. ^tx,
IhitUri
r n ’‘tyM ^ ^ ^
JiLstoiA yr*s j Tt* 'Pu*? ^C»v? 7 <^v*, 4 fa*J~ t
nuj. <fai+ 4 OC 4 *j jt+d
faijtj lifai P, ^ Trh>i>/C faecfj htf 3
‘(ho/um yrd Wrv/^' 4 JM-x
fasU* ItK J] / *£■ t V TK ^'(
"ft fcftc /Vt <u. ‘yfx* , *Jt6{ ***4. ktsjr
Vb J oLUi <n ftfaj- 7 h £*d ') •**/-
‘■K^c n At **d 'LUl uAm* '/t
~JL. c-sy^ fa^ff ( j tibl£ t 4 ^« I'vfcu
ihI(- ifanf^afa 4~ V** fauUi. y In % fah^^tC
c&MZfa, Jntu i#~% 'r*' u^L
-72W
THE
09 et<imorpl)ost 0 of Afar;
A CLOACINEAN SATIRE:
WITH THE
ANATOMY AND APOLOGY.
BY SIR JOHN HARINGTON.
TO WHICH IS ADDED,
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
CHISWICK:
FROM THE PRESS OF C. WHITT1NGHAM
M DCCC XIV.
ADVERTISEMENT
The tracts which constitute the following
volume, are perhaps the first specimens of the
Rabelesian satire our language has to boast .
They are replete with that kind of humour
which distinguishes the writings of the French
Lucian, and partake of their grossness .
The extreme rarity of these once popular
trifles, renders it doubtful whether Swift or
Sterne were acquainted with them; yet there
are passages in the writings of both these
eccentric writers, so strongly resembling some
parts of the present volume, as almost to induce
a suspicion that they had seen them: this
resemblance , however, may have arisen from
the circumstance of their being, like our author,
imitators of Rabelais and the other early
French writers of facet ire.
HH
t
vi ADVERTISEMENT.
Of the Metamorphosis of Ajax, the avowed
purport is the description of a species of water-
closet which Sir John Harington had invented
and erected at Kelston, his seat near Bath; hut
he has contrived to make it the vehicle of much
diverting matter, evincing his extensive read¬
ing: he has also interspersed numerous satiric
touches, and allusions to cotemporary persons
and events; many of which are now necessarily
obscure, and which were no doubt one of the
causes of its great, popularity at the time of
publication .
Elizabeth, however she might be diverted
with the humour of this whimsical performance ,
is said to have conceived much disquiet on
being told the author had aimed a shaft at
Leicester . Its satiric tendency procured the
writer many enemies; and it is supposed that
he owed his good fortune in escaping a Star-
chamber suit to the favour of the queen*, who
yet affected to be much displeased, and forbade
him the court in consequence .
* In the first book of HaringtoiCs epigrams, he has one
addressed “To Master Cooke, the queen's attorney,” that
was incited to call Misacmos into the Star-chamber, but
ADVERTISEMENT. vii
The Metamorphosis of Ajax, for which a
license was refused , appears to have been twice
reprinted within a few months; thefirst edition
bears in the title the name of Richard Field,
who also printed the first and second editions
of the author’s translation of Ariosto: it must
have been published previous to the third of
August 1596, as the MS, dedication to Mark¬
ham is then dated. The book teas in a subse¬
quent impression put forth without the name
of the printer; and this edition, judging
from a note on the title of a copy collated
on the present occasion, appeared in or before
refused it; saying, he that could give another a venu had a
sure ward for himself.
Epi c. xlv. Book 1.,
Those that of dainty fare make dear provision,
If some bad Cooks mar it with dressing evil,
Are wont to say in jest, but just derision,
The meat from God, the Cooks came from the devil:
But if this dish, though draff in apparition,
Were made thus sauc'd, a service not uncivil,
Say ye that taste and not digest the book,
The devil go with the meat, God with the Cook .
Several othei' epigrams relating to his Metamorphosis of
Ajax, alluding to Elizabeth's displeasure, fyc. appear in the
same collection. They are also printed at the end of this
advertisement.
ADVERTISEMENT.
viii
the month of September in the same year,
having at the bottom of the title, Printed
1596. A third edition, evidently an attempt
at an exact facsimile of the latter, but differ¬
ing in several minute particulars, sufficient to
demonstrate that the press had been entirely
reset, is in possession of the editor.
The Anatomy seems to have been published
at the same time, or very shortly after; a
former possessor of the copy above referred to,
has noted on the title that he obtained this part
of the work by gift, in October 1596: it
should be remarked, however, that the sig¬
natures are continued through The Anatomy,
which appears to have been reprinted with the
Metamorphosis. The two editions have been
compared, hit the variations are chiefly typo¬
graphical.
The Apology it is probable soon followed;
and here a new signature, A a, commences: of
this part two editions have also been collated;
one of which has some marginal references
which are wanting in the other; these, in
the present reimpression, are distinguished by
being printed in the Italic character.
ADVERTISEMENT.
IX
A curious presentation-copy of the book
from Sir J. Harington , to his friend Thomas
Markham y was formerly in the collection of
Mr. Reed , and is now enshrined in the noble
library at Hodnet. Some marginal notes in
the hand zvriting of Sir John , and a MS.
dedication zvhich enrich this copy y are here, for
the first time y printed from an accurate tran¬
script furnished by a friend. The MS. notes
occur in the Metamorphosis y and are marked
by being in Italics.
'Neither of the editions have follozced the
orthography of the author , as appears by com¬
parison with the MS. papers remaining , written
by him; and they differ so materially in this
respect , that it should seem the printers of
that period used the licence of adopting their
own mode y without reference to the author's
MS. The incongruity of the same word spelt
several ways within a short passage , marks the
then unsettled state of orthography; the diffi¬
culty of reducing it to what might be pre¬
sumed to have been that of the writer , amid
the discordance of the printed copies , induced
the editor to modernize it y except in those
X
ADVERTISEMENT.
instances where the preservation of the old
spelling seemed to afford an elucidation of the
text, as in the case of a few double entendres
depending upon similarity of sound; but in
no instance has a genuine old word been sup¬
plied by its modern substitute .
The Ulysses upon Ajax has been generally
assigned to a different hand; but the similarity
of style, and the same familiar acquaintance
with the writings of Rabelais, Bouchet, fyc. in
the opinion of the present writer establish the
identity of Misacmos and Misodiaboles # . This
latter piece has been considered inferior to the
Metamorphosis; but though more exceptionable
from its grossness, it is by no means less witty
* It should not he dissembled, that the Ulysses upon Ajax is
treated as the composition of another, by Davies of Hei'tford,
in the following lines to Sir J. Harington:
I dare not say your wit was wisdom pointed,
When you in Ajax had your wit anointed;
Sith by no small fools, yet accounted wise,
Such strains of wit are held but fooleries;
But this I say, and say what well I wot
(Ulysses upon Ajax play'd the sot) ;
For what you put in Ajax was more worth
By odds, than what Ulysses then put forth.
Wits Bedlam, 1617. Epig. 233.*
ADVERTISEMENT. xi
or amusing. Of the Ulysses, two editions of
the same date, both bearing the name of
Thomas Gubbins as publisher, but differing in
the number of pages, in the typographical
arrangement, and a few other trifling par¬
ticulars, have been collated for the present
edition: it is remarkable, that here also a few
marginal notes occur in one copy which are not
in the other; and these are distinguished in
the same manner as in the Metamorphosis, fyc.
by being printed in Italics.
The extraordinary rarity of copies of the fol¬
lowing tracts, may in some degree be accounted
for by their popular nature. The admirers
of this species of composition will not be
displeased to be brought acquainted zeith a
book, of which very few complete copies are
known to exist, and which certainly has some¬
thing more than mere rarity to boast; for
although its author every where manifests his
propensity to punning, yet it should be consi¬
dered that it was the most popular species of
wit in his time, arid it will be acknowledged that
there is a fund of genuine humour in the fol¬
lowing volume, perhaps not exceeded in any
x ji advertisement.
production of the more recent imitators of
Rabelais .
In renewing these facetious trifles, it was
at first the intention of the editor to have
annexed a few illustrations which had occurred
to him in the perusal, and a brief biographical
sketch of the author; this part of his plan is
at present suspended; for the bulk of the
volume, and the small number of copies printed,
will render it sufficiently expensive without
these additions, which might be held superero¬
gatory by many purchasers of the book . If
however a sufficient number to defray the ex¬
penses of the impression, should intimate a wish
for the completion of his plan, he will still be
proud to lay before them the materials he has
collected, in a small supplement.
m of
t ®M
) han
curnd
iphical
plan it
of Ik
mli(
litkt
iftrm-
k IJ
tka-
•a risli
still k
kk
The following Copy of a Letter from Sir J. Harington to
Lady Dowager Russell, concerning his « Metamorphosis
of Ajax," from the Burghley Papers in Lord Lansdown's
MS. Library, Vol. Ixxxii. No. 88, may not unaptly
be here subjoined.
Right honorable & my speciall good Lady,
having written not long since this fantastical
treatise, & putting yt to the print under a covert
name. 1 he first two leaves of yt, (wherein is
almost nothing but all skurrell & toying matter)
was show’d my Lo. Treasurer, by my ill happ as
I count yt, yf his goodnesse & honourable dis-
pocitione doe not the better interpret yt; w ch
makes me now thus bould to intreate yo r honor
to send his Lo: p the rest of it w ch I have before
now for the moste part of it, read unto you.
humbly praying you, to delyver yo r favorable
censure of it, at least so far that it is pleasant
and harmeles.
And for the devyse ytself, 1 knowe my Lord
would not leave yt, yf it w'eare at Tiballs (as
I say merely in the booke, the 118* page.) for
* Page 125 in the present edition.
xiv COPY OF A LETTER, ETC.
1000 u and to doe his Lordship service, I will
ryde thither, and enstruct his workmen to doe
yt for lesse then a thousand pence.
And that 1 may confesse trewly & franckly to
you (my best Lady, that have even from my
childhood ever so specially favord me) I was the
willinger to w r ryte such a toye as this, because
I had layne me thought allmost buryed in the
country these three or foure yeares, and I
thought this would give some occasion to have
me thought of and talked of. ot as he that
burned the temple of Diana to make him
famous; not as Absolon that burned Joab’s
corne, to make him come to speech with him :
But rather as Sophocles to save himself from a
writt of dotage, showde the worke he was prea-
sently in hand with. I observe this, that in all
common wealthes, the gowne and the sw ord rule
all; and that the pen is above the swwd, they
that wear plumes above their helmetts doe
therein (though they know yt not) confesse
according to the saying Cadant arma toga.)
My education hath bin suche, and I truste my
limmes and spirit both are suche, as neither shall
be defective to the service of mv prince &
COPY OF A LETTER, ETC. XV
country, whether it be with wryting or wea¬
pon; only my desyre is my service may be
accepted, and I doubt not, but yt shal be
acceptable; to the which his Lo: ps good con-
ceyt of me, I count would be a good stepp,
and to that good conceyt your honors com-
mendacion I perswade me would be a good
meanes. So I humbly take my leave this
xiiij th of August. (1596)
Your honors most bownde
John Uaryngton.
r
EPIGRAMS
. RELATING TO THE AJAX.
BY SIR JOHN HARINGTON.
Book i. Ep. 43 .
To the Queen’s Majesty, when she found fault with some
particular matters in Misacmos’ Metamorphosis.
Dread Sovereign, take this true , though poor excuse
Of all the errors of Misacmos’ muse;
A hound that of a whelp myself hath bred ,
And at my hand and table taught and fed ,
When other curs did fawn and flatter coldly ,
Did spring and leap, and play with me too boldly;
For ivhich, although my pages check and rate him ,
Yet still myself doth much more love than hate him.
Book i. Ep. 44 .
To the Ladies of the Queen’s Privy Chamber, at the
making of their perfumed Privy at Richmond.
The book hanged in chains saith thus:
Fair dames , if any took in scorn and spite ,
Me, that Misacmos’ muse in mirth did write ,
b
xv iii EPIGRAMS.
To satisfy the sin, lo, here in chains
For aye to hang my master he ordains:
Yet deem the deed to him no derogation,
But doom to this device new commendation;
But here you see, feel, smell, that his conveyance
Hath freed this noisome place from all annoyance:
Now judge you, that the work mock, envy, taunt, •
Whose service in this place may make most vaunt:
If us, or you to praise it were most meet,
You that made sour, or us that made it sweet ?
Book i. Ep . 46.
Against Lynus, a Writer that found fault with the
Metamorphosis.
Lynus, to give me a spiteful frump.
Said that my writings savour'd of the pump;
And that my muse, for want of matter, takes
An argument to write of from the Jakes .
Well, Lynus, speak each reader as he thinks,
Though thou of sceptres wrot'st, and I of sinks;
Yet some will say, comparing both together,
My wit brings matter thence, thine matter thither .
Book i. Ep. 51.
Of Cloacina and Stercutius.
The Romans, ever counted superstitious,
Adored with high titles of divinity,
Dame Cloacina and the lord Stercutius;
Two pei'sons in their state of great affinity:
EPIGRAMS.
xix
But we, that scorn opinions so pernicious,
Are taught by truth well try'd V adore the Trinity;
And whoso care of true religion takes ,
Will think such saints well shrined in a jax.
Book i. Ep. 52 .
To the Queen, when she was pacified and had sent
Misacmos thanks for the Invention.
A poet once of Trajan begg'd a lease
(Trajan , terror of war , mirror of peace),
And doubting how his writings were accepted,
*Gainst which he heard some courtiers had excepted;
He came to him , and with all due submission,
Deliver'd this short verse with his petition:
Dear Sovereign , if you like not of my writings,
Grant this sweet cordial to a spirit daunted;
But if you read and like my poor inditings ,
Then for reward let this small suit be granted.
Of which short verse I find ensu'd such fruit,
The poet of the prince obtain'd his suit.
Book ij . Ep. 13 .
Against Caius, that scorned his Metamorphosis.
Last day thy distress, Caius, being present ,
One happ'd to name, to purpose not unpleasant ,
The title of my misconceived book ;
At which you spit, as though you could not brook
XX
EPIGRAMS.
So gross a word: but shall I tell the matter
Why ? If one names a Jax, your lips do watei\
There was the place of your first love and meeting;
There first you gave your mistress such a greeting.
As bred her scorn, your shame, and others laughter,
And made her feel it twenty fortnights after:
Then thank their wit that make the place so sweet,
That for your Hymen you thought place so meet;
But meet not maids at madam Cloacina,
Lest they cry nine months after, help Lucina.
Book iji . Ep . 29.
To his Friend of his Book Ajax.
You muse to find in me such alteration,
That I that maidenly to write was wont,
Would now set to a book so desperate front,
As I might scant defend by incitation ;
My muse that time did need a strong purgation,
Late having ta'en some bimise by lewd reports ;
And when the physic wrought, you know the fashion
J Thereto a man in such a case resorts :
And so my muse with good decorum spent ,
On that base titled book, her excrement.
NIUNA CORROTTA MENTE IMESE MAI SANAMENTE PA
ROLE; ET COSI COME LE HON ESI E A QUELLA NON GIO-
VANO, COSI QUELLE, CHE TANTO HONESTE NON SONO,
LA BEN DISPOSTA NON POSSON CONTAMINARE, SE NON
COME IL LOTO 1 SOLAR! RAGGl, O LE TERRENE BRUTTURE
LE BELLEZZE DEL CIELO.
Boccaccio, conclusione del Decamerone.
For the following Errata which have occurred by acci¬
dents at press, and for all others which may have
escaped detection, the reader’s indulgence is craved.
METAMORPHOSIS.
Page 39, side note, bonu, read bonum.
— 43, 1. 10, Campiano/>5,a,'i£, — Campiano^an?-
— 58, side note, causidicie, — causidice.
— 114, side note, hasse — asse.
ANATOMY.
Page 6,1. 22, scrire, read scire.
APOLOGY.
Page 33,1. 12, sfib, read fish.
T
A
NEW DISCOURSE
OF A
STALE SUBJECT;
CALLED THE
METAMORPHOSIS OF AJAX.
WRITTEN BY MISACMOS,
TO HIS FRIEND AND COUSIN PHILOSTILPNOS.
AT LONDON:
.BrinteB fop 3RtcTjam jFielu, nfoetttng in tTjc TBlaekfriats.
1 5 9G.
p
To the Right zcorshipfull
THOMAS MARKHAM
Esquyre this
bee dd
1 wil not saye moclie to you in the beginning of
my booke becaus I have sayd perhaps more
then enough of yow in the end
1 pray yow take yt wel for I doubt not but
some will take yt ill, but yf they doe yt wil be
becaus they doe ill understand yt; yo r interest
is moch in the work becaus yt is moste in the
wry ter, so I end the iij d of August 1596
By the Autor.
u
A LETTER
WRITTEN BY
A GENTLEMAN OF GOOD WORTH,
TO THE
AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK.
SIR,
X have heard much of your house, of your
pictures, of your walks, of your ponds, and
of your two boats, that came one by land and
the other by sea from London-bridge, and
met both at Bath-bridge; all which, God
willing (if I live another summer), I will come
of purpose to see; as also a swimming place,
where, if one may believe your brother Fran¬
cis, Diana did bathe her, and Acteon see her
without horns. But to deal plainly with you,
there be three special things that I have heard
much boasted of, and therefore would willing-
VI
liest see. The one a fountain standing ou
43 . canto, pillars, like that in Ariosto, under which you
may dine and sup: the second a shooting close,
with a twelve score mark to every point of the
card, in which I hear you have hit a mark that
many shoot at; viz. to make a barren stony
land fruitful with a little cost: the third is a
thins that I cannot name well without save-
reverence, and yet it sounds not unlike the
a shooting shooting place, but it is in plain English a
place written .
with rythago- s -or place. Though if it be so sweet and
ras’ letter. ° 1 n .
so cleanly as I hear, it is a wrong to it to use
save-reverence; for one told me it is as sweet
as my parlour; and I would think discourtesy,
one should say, save-reverence my parlour.
But if I might entreat you (as you partly pro¬
mised me at your last being here) to set down
the manner of it in writing, so plain as our
gross wits here may understand it, or to cause
your man, M. Combe (who I understand can
paint prettily) make a draught or plot thereof
to be well conceived, you should make many
of your friends much beholding to you; and
perhaps you might cause reformation in many
houses that you wish well unto, that will think
no scorn to follow your good example. Nay,
to tell you my opinion seriously, if you have
so easy, so cheap, and so infallible a way for
avoiding such annoyances in great houses, you
may not only pleasure many great persons, but
do her majesty good service in her palace of
Greenwich, and other stately houses that are
oft annoyed with such savours, as where many
mouths be fed can hardly be avoided. Also
you might be a great benefactor to the city of
London, and all other populous towns, who
stand in great need of such conveyances.
But all my fear is, that your pen having been
inured to so high discourse,
Of dames , of knights, of arms , of loves delight,
will now disdain to take so base a subject,
Of vaults , of sinks , privies , and draughts to write.
But herein let a public benefit expel a pri¬
vate bashfulness; and if you must now and
then break the rules de slovilitate morum , with
some of these homely words, you see I have
broken the ice to you; and you know the old
saying, pens may blot, but they cannot blush.
And as old Tarlton was wont to say, this same
viii
excellent word save-reverence, makes it all
mannerly. Once this I dare assure you, if
you can but tell a homely tale of this in prose,
as cleanly, as you have told in verse a bawdy
tale or two in Orlando mannerly, it may pass
among the sourest censurers very currently.
And I thus expecting your answer hereto, at
your convenient leisure, I commit you to God
this of 1596.
*/
til
k
a
a
1
1
(
a
Si
ri
8
t
t
t
C\
t(
1
ANSWER TO THE LETTER.
JVLy good cousin, if you have heard so well of
my poor house with the appurtenances, it were
to be wished for preservation of your better
conceit thereof, that you would not see them at
all, they will seem to you so far short of the
report; for I do compare my buildings and
my writings together; in which, though the
common sort think there is some worth and
wit, yet the graver censors do find many faults
and follies: and no marvel; for he that builds
and hath gathered little, and writes and hath
read little, must needs be a bad builder and a
worse writer . But whereas you are disposed,
either in the way of praise or of play, to
extol so much the basest room of my house, as
though you preferred it afore the best, your
commendation is not much unlike his courtesy,
that being invited by a crabbed favoured host
to a neat house, did spit in his hosts face,
because it was the foulest part of the house .
But such as I have you shall be welcome to;
and if I may know when you will begin your
progress, I will pray my brother to be your
guide; who will direct your Jests in such sort ,
as first, you shall come by a fine house that
lacks a mistress; then to a fair house that
mourns for a master; from whence, by a straight
way called the force-way, you shall come to a
town that is more than a town, where be the
waters that be more than waters. But from
thence you shall pass down a stream that seems
to be no stream, by corn fields that seem no
fields, down a street no street, in at a gate no
gate, over a bridge no bridge, into a court no
court, where if I be not at home, you shall
find perhaps a fool no fool.
But whereas you praise my husbandry, you
make me remember an old schoolfellow of mine
in Cambridge, that having lost five shillings
abroad at cards, would boast he had saved two
candles at home by being out of his chamber;
for such be most of my savings. Yet this one
point of husbandry, though it may well be
called beggarly, yet it is not for all that con¬
temptible, and thus it was: Finding a fair
and flat field, though very stony, as all this
XI
country is, I made some vagrant beggars (of
which by neighbourhood of the baths here
comes great store) to gather all the stones that
might break our harrows; and finding an easy
mean to water the ground with a fat water, I
have bettered my ground (as you say) and
quite rid me of my wandering guests; who
will rather walk seven mile about, than come
where they shall be forced to work one half
hour.
Now, sir, to come to the chief point of your
desire, which requires a more ample answer,
but for a preamble you must be content with
this. You tell me, belike to encourage me,
that my invention may be beneficial, not only
to my private friend, but to towns and cities,
yea, even to her majesty s service for some of
her houses: trust me, I do believe you write
seriously as you term it herein; and for my
part I am so wholly addicted to her highness
service, as I would be glad, yea, even proud, if
the highest strain of my wit could but reach to
any note of true harmony in the full concert
of her majesty's service, though it were in the
basest key that it could be tuned to. And if
I should fortune to effect so good a reformation
xii
in the palace of Richmond or Greenwich (to
which palace many of us owe service for the
tenure of our land), I doubt not but some
. pleasant witted courtier of either sex, would
grace me so much at least, as to say that I
were worthy for my rare invention to be made
one of the privy (and after a good long paren¬
thesis, come out with) chamber; or if they be
learned and have read Castiglio’s courtier they
will say, I am a proper scholar, and well seen
in Latrina lingua. But let him mock that list;
qui moccat moccabitur:
Who strike with sword, the scabbard them may strike;
And sure love craveth love, like asketh like.
If men of judgment think it may breed a
public benefit, the conceit thereof shall expel
all private bashfulness; and I will herein fol¬
low the example of that noble lady, that to
Camden in his save the liberties of Coventry rode naked at
Britannia. J J
noon through the streets thereof, and is nozo
thought to be greatly honoured and nothing
shamed thereby .
Further, whereas you embolden my pen not
to be abashed at the baseness of the subject,
and as it were leading me on the way, you tell
me you have broken the ice for me, to enter me
n
xm
into such broad phrases as you think must be
vice Jot frequent herein; I will follow your steps and
(tfk* your counsel, neither will I disdain to use the
r sei, mi poor help of save-reverence, if need be, much
' say tk like as a good friend of yours and mine, that
ntok w beginning to dispraise as honest a man as him-
Ihajtp self to a great nobleman, said, he is the veriest
)r { Jdf; knave, saving your lordship: but the nobleman
courtier fi ( ere the zcords were fully out of his mouth)
andrnh said, save thyself, knave, and be hanged; save
locktki n °t me ‘ Even so I must write in this discourse;
sometime indeed as homely (saving your wor-
mmav# ship) as you shall lightly see; and yet I will
ike, endeavour to keep me within the bounds of
I modesty, and use no words but such as grave
My hr ffiuucaiy, unu no woras oui such as grave
f shall aft precedents in divinity, law, physic, or good civi¬
lity, will sufficiently warrant me.
Sure I am that many other countrymen,
both Dutch, French, and Italians, with great
praise of wit, though small of modesty, have
written of worse matters . One writes in
praise of folly; another in honour of the
pox; a third defends usury; a fourth com¬
mends Nero; a fifth extols and instructs baw-
dery; the sixth displays and describes Puttana
Errante, which I hear zvill come forth shortly
XIV
This matter is in English; a seventh (whom I would guess
discoursed by
Rabelais in his
11th chapter of
his 5th book.
ids by his writing to be groom of the stole to some
- prince of the blood of France) writes a beastly
treatise only to examine what is the fittest
thing to wipe withal; alleging that whitepaper
is too smooth, brown paper too rough, woollen
cloth too stiff\ linen cloth too hollow, satin too
slippery, taffeta too thin, velvet too thick, or
unmoyend ? perhaps too costly; but he concludes, that a
^ noose neck , to be drazen between the legs against
neurial, le~ ® . 7 . 777
plus excellent, fh e feathers, is the most delicate and cleanly
le plus expedi- J 7
futveu ^ amais thing that may be . Now it is possible that I
may be reckoned after these seven, as sapientum
octavus, because I will write of a Jakes; yet
1 will challenge of right (if the herald should
appoint us our places) to go before this filthy
fellozv; for as, according to Aristotle, a rider
is an architectonical science to a saddler, and a
saddler to a stirrup-maker, fyc. so my discourse
must needs be architectonical to his, since I
treat of the house itself, and he but of part
of that is to be done in the house, and that no
This may be essential part of the business: “for they say
nntiHn/1 in
omitted in
reading.
there be three things that if one neglect to do
them they will do themselves; one is for a man
to make even his reckonings; for whoso neglects
tift
11DU
flitt
hittfl
k,d
, Mill 1 ,
tU,i
'll, Ik :
W
nitlu
M
sapiens
Jik.
4k
iffej#
(fcifli
kA
ydiw
? #n
milk'
irtkl 1
ghetto 1
fort0
XV
it will be left even just nothing: another is to
marry his daughters; for if the parents bestow
them not, they will bestow themselves: the third
is that which the foresaid Frenchman writes
of; which they that omit, their laundresses shall
find it done in their linen. Which mishap a
fair lady once having, a serving man of the
disposition of Midas Barber, that could not
keep counsel, had spied it, and wrote in the
grossest terms it could be expressed upon a wall
what he had seen; but a certain, pleasant,
conceited gentleman corrected the barbarism ,
adding rhyme to the reason in this sort;
My lady hath polluted her lineal vesture,
With the superfluity of her corporal disgesture.”
But soft, Ifear I give you too great a taste
of my slovenly eloquence in this sluttish argu¬
ment. Wherefore to conclude, I dare under¬
take, that though my discourse will not be so
ztise as the first of those seven 1 spake of, that
praises folly; yet it shall be civiler than the
second, truer than the third, honester than the
fourth, chaster than the fifth, modest er than
the sixth, and cleanlier than the seventh. And
that you and other my good friends may take
the less offence at it, I will clothe it (like an
XVI
ape in purple) that it may he admitted into
the better company; and if all the art I have
cannot make it mannerly enough, the worst
punishment it can have, is but to employ it in
the house it shall treat off; only craving but
that favour, that a nobleman was wont to
request of your good father-in-law, to tear
out my name before it be so employed; and to
him that would deny me that kindness, I would
the paper were nettles, and the letters needles
for his better ease; or that it were like to the
friars book, dedicated as I take it to Pius
Quintus; of which one writes merrily, that his
holiness finding it was good for nothing else,
employed it (instead of the goose neck) to a
homely occupation; and forsooth the phrase
was so rude, the style so rugged, and the Latin
so barbarous, that therewith as he writes
scortigavit sedem apostolicam; He
galled the seat apostolic: and so
1 commend me to you, till
I send you the whole discourse .
Your loving cousin
and true friend,
/itfraKpos.
aimitltfa
the art Ii
vgh,tk i
o employ i;
ly cran'iji
n was m
in-Ian, in
ifhyei; a
indm,h
i letters b
were.kb
l ahe it til
merrily,tk
c or nothw
roose id):
ooth the jfc
l,diidthtli
as he wM
icam; ft
; and so
i, till
mrse>
iendf
fllMf*
THE PROLOGUE
TO THE READER OF THE
METAMORPHOSIS OF A JAX.
Great Captain ajax, as is well known to
the learned, and shall here be published for the
unlearned, was a warrior of Greece, strong,
heady, rash, boisterous, and a terrible fighting
fellow; but neither wise, learned, staid, nor
politic. Wherefore falling to debate with
Ulysses, and receiving so foul a disgrace of Ovid Metam.
him, to be called fool afore company, and being
bound to the peace, that he might not fight
with so great a counsellor, he could endure it
no longer, but became a perfect malcontent;
viz. his hat without a band, his hose without
garters, his waist without a girdle, his boots
B
2
THE PROLOGUE.
without spurs, his purse without coin, his head
without wit, and thus swearing he would kill
and slay. First he killed all the horned beasts
he met, which made Agamemnon and Mene-
laus now more afraid than Ulysses; whereupon
he was banished the towns presently, and then
he went to the woods and pastures, and imagin¬
ing all the fat sheep he met, to be of kin to
the coward Ulysses, because they ran away
from him, he massacred a whole flock of sheep,
not ewes. Last of all, having no body else to
kill, poor man killed himself: what became of
his body is unknown; some say that wolves
and bears did eat it, and that makes them yet
such enemies to sheep and cattle. But his
Liber supra blood, as testifleth P. Ovidius the excellent his-
dict0 - .
toriographer, was turned into a hyacinth, which
is a very notable kind of grass or flower.
Now there are many miracles to be marked
in this Metamorphosis, to confirm the credit of
the same: for in the grass itself remains such
pride of this noble blood, that as the graziers
have assured me of their credits (and some of
them may be trusted for one hundred thousand
pounds), the ruther beasts that eat too greedily
THE PROLOGUE.
3
hereof will swell till they burst. The poor Salt recovers
baned sheep.
sheep still, for an old grudge, would eat him
without salt (as they say); but if they do, they
will soon after rot with it.
Further, I read that now of late years a Rabelais. Liv.
i. chap. 13.
French gentleman, son to one Monsieur Gar- Gome Gar ? a -
0 ' sier cognoit
gasier, and a young gentleman of an excellent
spirit and towardness, as the reverent Rabbles v^Smd’ln'
(quern honoris causa nomino; that is, whom I
should not name without save-reverence) writes
in his first book, xiii. chap. But the story you Lib. Fictitius.
shall find more at large in the xiv. book of his
tenth decad. This young gentleman having
taken some three or four score pills to purge
melancholy, every one as big as a pome cittern,
commanded his man to mow an half acre of
grass, to use at the privy: and notwithstanding
that the owners (to save their hay perhaps)
sware to him it w r as of that ancient house of
ajax, and therefore reserved of purpose
only for horses of the race of Bucephalus, or
Rabycano, yet he would not be persuaded:
but in further contempt of his name, used a
phrase that he had learned at his being in the
low countries, and bad Skite upon Ajax. But
4
THE PROLOGUE.
suddenly (whether it were the curse of the peo¬
ple, or the nature of the grass, I know not) he
was stricken in his posteriors with St. Anthony’s
fire; and despairing of other help, he went on
pilgrimage in hope of remedy hereof to Japana
near China: where he met a French surgeon,
in the university of Miaco, that cured him
both of that and the verol, that he had before
in his priorums, with the momio of a Grecian
wench, that Ulysses buried in his travel upon
the coast of the further Ethiopia: and so he
came back again by Restinga des ladrones ,
through St. Bazaro; and crossing both the
tropics, Cancer and Capricorn , he came by
Magellans , swearing he found no straights there,
but came from thence straight home. And so
in twenty-four hour’s sail, and two or three odd
years beside, he accomplished his voyage; not
forgetting to take fresh wine and water at Capon
de Bona Speranza. Yet ere he could recover
his health fully, he was fain to make divers
vows (for now he was grown very religious with
his long travel); among which, one was, that in
remembrance of China, of all meats, he would
honour the chine of beef most; another was,
THE PROLOGUE.
5
fthep
wnoi)k
Author
leweita
to Jipa
‘hsursea
cured k
had beb
aGreoE
travel y
: andsok
»Ink
ig boil
le camel
aigktsfe
le. Hi
or three ^
wage;*!
teratCup
juldrecw
nakefc
ligiouswl
was, to 1
ts, hevofit
jother $
that of all offices of the house, he should do
honour to that house of office, where he had
committed that scorn to ajax; and that there
he should never use any more such fine grass,
but rather tear a leaf out of Holingshed’s
Chronicles, or some of the books that lie in the
hall, than to commit such a sin against ajax.
Wherefore, immediately on his coming home,
he built a sumptuous privy, and in the most
conspicuous place thereof, namely, just over
the door, he erected a statue of ajax, with so
grim a countenance, that the aspect of it being
full of terror, was half as good as a suppositor:
and further, to honour him, he changed the
name of the house, and called it after the name
of this noble captain of the greasy ones (the
Grecians I should say), ajax: though since,
by ill pronunciation, and by a figure called
Cacophonia, the accent is changed, and it is
called a Jakes.
Further, when the funeral oration was ended,
to do him all other compliments that apper¬
tained to his honour, they searched for his
pedigree, and an excellent antiquary and a
herald, by great fortune, found it out in an old
Ilic desnnt
non pauca de
sermone ath.
clerum.
THE PROLOGUE.
Thus far Ovid.
Thus much.
Lib. 6. S. Au.
de civitate
Dei.
Stercutius, the
god of dung.
6
church book, in the Austin Friars at Genoa.
And it was proclaimed on this fashion:
ajax, son of Telamon.
Son of JEacus.
Son of Juppiter.
Juppiter, alias dictus Picus.
Son of old Saturn,
Alias dictus Stercutius.
Which when it was made known unto the
whole fraternity of the brethren, there was
nothing but rejoicing and singing, unto their
god Sarcotheos , a devout Shaame, in honour of
this Stercutius, the great great grandfather of
ajax. Which sonnet hath a marvellous grace
in their country, by means they do greatly affect
these same similiter desinentia , every friar sing¬
ing a verse, and a brother answering him in the
tune following; amounting just to four and
twenty, which is the mystical number of their
order.
But, by the way, if any severe Cato's take
exceptions, and any chaste Lucretia’s take
offence at the matter or music here following,
let them pardon me, that sought but to keep
THE PROLOGUE.
7
decorum , in speaking of a slovenly matter, and
of slovenly men somewhat slovenly.
Vos vero viri eruditi si qua hie scurriliter
nimis dicta videbuntur, ignoscite, aquissimum
enim est, ut quam voluptatem scelerati male
faciendo capiaut, eandem (quod fieri potest)
male audiendo amittant. Videtis autem cujus -
modi farina homines taxare instituimus: non
pios 9 dodos, sanctos, continentesy sed luxuriosos.
nhonvi
ndiafc
n untoa
there w
hereticoSy barbarosy impios. Quibus ego me
per omnem vitam acerrimum hostem , ut et verurn
fxKjciKfjLov semper profitebor. Nostris prover-
bium, Cretisandum cum Cretensibus , et certe hoc
di&num est patella operculum. Nam similes suchiip*, mch
® 7 7 lettUCe *
habere debent labra lactucas.
itiii &
! follow
THE PROLOGUE.
Hj j
iiH \
1:1
..
f li
M
:
ca - nai
-y -
ut
ver-na-cu-la, (
-h-qq
;u - la, lin-gua ca-nant
A — i-q
F ^
F-. 1
•—♦ -o — t± J
ver-na- cu - la, cu -1
i
■ M-*
tu qui dans, O tu qui dans, o-ra-cu-
Hi-iiH f t T J ,T X T
la, o-ra-cu-la scin-dis cotem no-va-cu-la, cu-
la, da nos-tra ut ta-ber-na-cu-la, cu-la, ut ta-
*=»
berna-ca-Ia, lin-gua ca-nant ver-na -cu-la,
cu-la, cu-la, lin-gua ca-nant verna.cu-la.
a
THE PROLOGUE.
1. 0 tu qui dans oracula .
2. Scindis cotern novacula .
3. Da nostra ut tabernacula .
4. Lingua canant vernacula.
5. Opima post jentacula.
6. Hujusmodi miracula .
7. aSiV semper plenum poculum.
8. Habentes plenum loculum .
9* Tu serva nos ut specula .
10. Per longa et lata sacula.
11. Ut clerus et plebecula .
12. Nee wocfe wee diecula.
13. Ciirent de ulla recula.
14. Sed intuentes specula .
15. Dura vitemus spicula .
16. Jacentes cum amicula.
17« garrit ut cornicula .
18. *Sew tristis sen ridicula.
19* Turn porrigamus oscula .
20. IW colligamus jloscula .
21. Orwemws ut cocnaculum.
22. Et totum habit aculum,
23. Turn culi post spiraculum-
24. Spectemus hoc spectaculum .
10 the prologue.
Then, suitable to this hymn, they had a dirge
for ajax, with a prayer to all their chief saints
whose names begin with A.
Sauntus Ablabius .
Sauntus Acachius.
Sauntus Arrius.
Sauntus Aerius. Ora pro
Sauntus Aetius. f* ajax.
Sauntus Alnaricus .
Saunti Adiaphoristce.
Saunti 11000 Anabaptista.
Et tu Sauntiss. Atheos .
And so ended the black Sauntus .
Some of these denied the godhead of Christ
with Arrius, some the authority of bishops, as
Aerius, which you may see in Prateolo de vita
hareticorum. Almaricus denied the resurrec¬
tion of the body, which is an heresy that mars
all, as St. Paul saith, 1 Cor. xv. 14. That then
our faith were vain.
By all which you may see, that it is but lack
of learning, that makes some fellows seek out
Wl
Uii|
chief $
Orap
AJAL
mtui-
of biiof
rateoUt
1 the ns®
iresy to®
14 , %
it it is ^
Hows sci
THE PROLOGUE. 11
stale English etymologies of this renowned
name of A jax. One imagined it was called
so of blackjacks, because they look so slovenly,
that a mad Frenchman wrote, we did carry our
drink in our boots: but that is but a bald etymo-
logy, and I will never agree that Jack, though
he were never so black, should be thus slan¬
dered. But if you stand so much upon your
English, and will not admit our Greek and our
Roman tongue, you shall see I will cast about,
to have one in English for you.
First then, you have heard the old proverb,
u age breeds aches;” now you must imagine,
that an old man, almost fourscore years old,
and come to the psalm of David, Labour and
dolour , being somewhat costive, at the house
groaned so pitifully, that they thought he had
been sick: whereupon one ran to him to hold
his head, and asked him what he ailed: He
told them he ailed nothing, but only according
to the proverb, he complained, that age breeds
aches; and minding to speak it shorter, by the
figure of abbreviation, or perhaps by the rule,
Quod potest fieri per pauciora , non debet fieri
per plura (I pray you pardon me for being
THE PROLOGUE.
12
again in ray Latin); oh, saith he, masters make
much of youth, for I tell you, age akes, age
akes. I feel it, age akes. Upon which pathe-
tical speech of his, delivered in that place, the
younger men that bare him special reverence,
termed the place age akes: which agrees fully
in pronunciation, though it may be since, some
ill orthographers have miswritten it, and so now
it passeth current to be spoken and written
A jax. And because, as the saying is, loquen-
dum cum vulgo , we must now take him as we
find him, with all his faults.
But yet for reformation of as many as we
can, and specially of one fault he is much sub¬
ject unto, you must remember that this a jax
was always so strong a man, that his strength
being an inseparable accident to him, doth now
only remain in his breath, and that in diverse
extremities, and contrary fashions. Sometime,
with the heat of his breath, he will be ready to
overcome a strong man; another time, he will
take a weak man at the vantage, and strike him
behind with such a cold, that he shall be the
worse for it a month after. Now many have
wrestled with him, to seek to stop his breath,
THE PROLOGUE.
13
and never maim him, but he makes them glad
to stop their noses; and that indeed is some
remedy, for such whose throats have a better
swallow, than their heads have capacity. As
some men that are forced at sea to drink stinking
puddle water, do wink and close their nostrils,
that they may not offend three senses at once.
Now again, some arm themselves against
A jax with perfumes, but that methinks dou¬
bles the grief, to imagine what a good smell
this were, if the other were away: as he that
should have had ten thousand pounds with an
ugly Mopsa, said, not without a great sigh,
Oh, what a match were this were the woman
away! But the device that shall be hereafter
discovered, will so confound this gentleman
with the strong breath, that save we carry about
us some traitors, that are ready to take his part,
he should never be able so much as to blow
upon you. Yet I would have the favourable
readers (of what sort soever) thus far satisfied,
that I took not this quarrel upon me voluntarily,
but rather in mine own defence : and standing
upon the punctilio of honour, having been
challenged, as you may partly see in the letter
14 THE PROLOGUE.
precedent, by one, as it seems, of the Captain’s
own countrymen: for his name is Philostilpnos ,
which I thought at first was a word to conjure
a spirit, till at last, a fellow of mine of Cam¬
bridge, told me the Philo was Greek, and that
he would say in English, that he loveth clean¬
liness. Now I being bound by the duello,
having accepted the challenge, to seek no
advantage, but even to deal with him at his own
weapon, entered the lists with him, and fighting
after the old English manner without the stocka-
dos (for to foin or strike below the girdle, we
counted it base and too cowardly), after half a
score downright blows, we grew to be friends,
and I was content to subscribe, Yours, &c.
And to the end I may answer him in the same
language, I am called Misacmos , which is
cousin and ally to his name, and it signifieth a
hater of filthiness; and to all such as are of
kin to either of our names or conditions, we
commend this discourse ensuing.
Ad Zoilum et Momum .
Cease, masters, any more
To grudge, chafe, pine, and fret;
Lo stuff for you good store,
To gnaw, chew, bite, and eat.
SHORT ADVERTISEMENT
OF THE
A UTHOR TO THE READER .
The discourse ensuing is divided into three
parts or sections (as it were breathing places),
lest it may seem confused, or too tedious to
be read all at once.
1. The first justifies the use of the homeliest
words.
2. The second proves the matter not to be
contemptible.
3. The third shows the form, and how it may be
reformed.
1. The first begins gravely, and ends lightly.
2. The second begins pleasantly, and ends
soberly.
3. The third is mixed, both seriously and
merrily.
16
advertisement.
1. I would pray you to weigh the grave autho¬
rities reverently; for they are true and
authentical.
2. I would wish you to regard the pleasant
histones respectively; for they be honest
and commendable.
3. I would advise you to use the merry matters
modestly; for so they may be faultless and
harmless.
1. If you mean not to read it, then dispraise it
not; for that would be counted folly.
2. Till you have fully read it, censure it not; for
that may be deemed rashness.
3. When you have read it, say both of us have
lost more time than this in our days; and
that perhaps would be judged the right.
THE
METAMORPHOSIS OF AJAX.
There was a very tall and serviceable gentle¬
man, sometime lieutenant of the ordnance,
called M. Jaques Wingfield; who coming one
day, either of business or of kindness, to visit
a great lady in the court, the lady bade her
gentlewoman ask, which of the Wingfields it
was; he told her Jaques Wingfield: the modest
gentlewoman, that was not so well seen in the
French, to know that Jaques was but James in
English, was so bashful, that to mend the
matter (as she thought), she brought her lady
word, not without blushing, that it was M.
Privy Wingfield; at which, I suppose the lady
then, I am sure the gentleman after, as long as
he lived, was wont to make great sport.
I fear the homely title prefixed to this treatise
]g the metamorphosis
(how warlike a sound soever it hath) may breed
a worse offence, in some of the finer sort of
readers, who may upon much more just occasion
condemn it, as a noisome and unsavory dis¬
course: because without any error of equivo¬
cation, I mean indeed to write of the same
that the word signifies. But if it might please
them a little better to consider, how the place
we treat of (how homely soever) is visited by
themselves once at least in four and twenty
hours, if their digestion be good, and their con¬
stitution sound; then I hope they will do me
their favour, and themselves that right, not to
reject a matter teaching their own ease and
cleanliness, for the homeliness of the name;
and consequently, they will excuse all broad
phrases of speech, incident to such a matter,
with the old English proverb that ends thus,
For lords and ladies do the same, I know that
the wiser sort of men will consider, and I wish
that the ignorant sort would learn, how it is
not the baseness or homeliness, either of words
or matters, that make them foul and obscene;
but their base minds, filthy conceits, or lewd
intents that handle them. He that would scorn
OF AJAX.
IS
h)mrt
e finer a
iJUStOCQj
unsavory
itmightpk
how the|i
:r)m;
ur andte
1, aniline
hey wili
at right, os
own east!
sof the k
xcuse al k
suck a i
that ends*
it , I boil
5ider,anll f
learn, ho* !
either of
ulandol^
)nceits,or^
hatwould^
19
a physician, because for our infirmities sake,
lie refuseth not sometime the noisome view of
our loathsomest excrements, were worthy to
have no help by physic, and should break his
divine precept that saith, honour the physician:
for necessities sake God hath ordained him.
And he that would honour the makers of apos -
ticchios , or rebatoes , because creatures much
honoured use to wear them, might be thought
perhaps full of courtesy, but void of wit.
Surely, if we would enter into a sober and
sad consideration of our estates, even of the
happiest sort of us, as men of the world esteem
us, whether we be noble, or rich, or learned,
or beautiful, or healthy, or all these (which
seldom happeneth) joined together, we shall
observe, that the joys we enjoy in this world
consist rather in indolentia (as they call it),
which is an avoiding of grievances and incon¬
veniences, than in possessing any passing great
pleasures; so durable are the harms that our
first parents fall hath laid on us, and so poor
the helps that we have in ourselves: finally, so
short and momentary the contentments that
we fish for, in this ocean of miseries, which
£0 THE METAMORPHOSIS
either we miss (fishing before the net, as the
proverb is), or if we catch them, they prove but
like eels, sleight and slippery. The chiefest of
all our sensual pleasures, I mean that which
some call the sweet sin of lechery, though
God knows it hath much sour sauce to it, for
which notwithstanding many hazard both their
fame, their fortune, their friends, yea their souls,
which makes them so oft break the first com¬
mandment, that when they hear it read at
Church, they leave the words of the Communion
book, and say, Lord have mercy upon us , it
grieves our hearts to keep this law. And when
the commination is read on Ash-Wednesday,
wherein is read, Cursed be he that lieth with his
neighbour’s wife> and let all the people say,
Some say Amen: these people either say nothing, or as a
so done,were neighbour of mine said, he hem: I say this
very well said. . . . .
surpassing pleasure, that is so much m request,
and counted such a principal solace, I have heard
confessed before a most honourable person, by
a man of middle age, strong constitution, and
well practised in this occupation, to have bred
no more delectation to him (after the first heat
of his youth was past) then to go to a good
OF AJAX.
21
easy close-stool, when he hath had a lust
thereto (for that was his very phrase). Which
being confessed by him, and confirmed by
many, makes me take this advantage thereof in
the beginning of this discourse, to prefer this Ajak’s house
preferred be-
house I mind to speak of, before those which fore a bawdy
house.
they so much frequent: neither let any disdain
the comparison. For I remember, how not
long since, a grave and godly lady, and grand- The Lady Ro-
ii i *i i t i • . gets; called,in
mother to all my wife s children, did m their her young
days, the fair
hearings, and for their better instruction, tell n v i of Canr
them a story, which though I will not swear it
was true, yet I did wish the auditory would
believe it, namely, how an Hermit being carried
in an evening, by the conduct of an Angel,
through a great city, to contemplate the great
wickedness daily and hourly wrought therein,
met in the street a gong-farmer with his cart
full laden, no man envying his full measure.
The poor Hermit, as other men did, stopped his
nostrils, and betook him to the other side of
the street, hastening from the sour carriage all
he could; but the Angel kept on his way,
seeming no whit offended with the savour. At
which, while the Hermit marvelled, there came
22 THE metamorphosis
not long after by them, a woman gorgeously
attired, well perfumed, well attended with
coaches and torches, to convey her perhaps to
some noblemans chamber. The good Hermit
somewhat revived with the fair sight and sweet
savour, began to stand at the gaze. On the
other side, the good Angel now stopped his
nose, and both hastened himself away, and
beckoned his companion from the place: at
which the Hermit more marvelling than before,
he was told by the Angel, that this fine courte¬
zan laden with sin, was a more stinking savour
afore God and his holy angels, than that beastly
cart, laden with excrements. I will not spend
time to allegorize this story, only I will wish all
the readers may find as sure a way to cleanse
and keep sweet the noblest part of themselves,
that is, their souls, as I shall show them a plain
and easy way to keep sweet the basest part of
their houses, that is, their sinks. But to the
intent I may bind myself to some certain
method, I will first awhile continue as I have
partly begun, to defend by most authentical
authorities and examples, the use of these
homely words in so necessary matters. Se-
IS
OF AJAX.
23
m gorge*
attended i
aerpeikji
gaze. Oil
w stopped
ielf away, ;
i the pk:
mg thank
this fine n
; stinking s'
than thatb
Iwillnotf
lylwiH
i way to da
tof them*
owthemap
le basest f
is, But to
o some ctf
itinueasli
aost aufe
s use of ^
jr matter!''
condly, concerning the matter itself, I will
show how great an extraordinary care hath
been had in all ages, for the good ordering of
the same. Lastly, for the form, I will set
down the cheapest, perfectest, and most infal¬
lible, for avoiding all the inconveniences the
matter is subject to, that hitherto (if I and
many more be not much deceived) was ever
found out.
When I was a truantly scholar in the noble
university of Cambridge, though I hope I had
as good a conscience as other of my pew-
fellows, to take but a little learning for my
money, yet I can remember, how a very learned
and reverend divine held this question in the
schools, Scripture stilus non est barbarus;
The style or phrase of the Scripture is not
barbarous. Against whom one replied with this
argument:
That which is obscene, may be called barbarous.
But the Scripture is in many places obscenous:
Therefore the Scripture may be called barbarous.
To which syllogism was truly answered (as I
now remember, denying the minor), that though
such phrases to us seem obscene, and are so
24
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Isaiae, lxiv. 6.
Regura. Lib. i.
cap. 6. v. 4.
when they are used to ribaldry, or lascivious¬
ness; yet in the Scripture they are not only
void of incivility, but full of sanctity: that the
prophets do in no place more effectually, more
earnestly, nor more properly beat down our
pride and vanity, and open to our eyes the fil¬
thiness and horror of our sins, than by such
kind of phrases; of which they recited that,
where it is said, that the sins of the people
were, quasi pannus menstruate universe justi¬
fied nostre , that a common or strange woman
(for so the Scripture covertly termeth a harlot),
hath her quiver open for every arrow; that an
old lecherous man, is like a horse that neigheth
after every mare, &c.: to which I could add
many more, if I affected copiousness in this
kind; some in broad speeches, some in covert
terms, expressing mens shame, mens sins, mens
necessities. Quinque aureos , anos facietis
pro quinque satrapis: which our English of
Geneva translates very modestly. Ye shall
make five golden emeralds for five noblemen
or princes. Which word I am sure, many of
the simple hearers and readers, take for a pre¬
cious stone of the Indians, set in gold; and so
s
tflascim
are doU
ictually,®}
at do\m j
irejesfc
than by x
i T recited 4
)f the p|
mm ji
nethakii
rrow; k
^ that neigk
b I coullt
>usness ifli
ome in w
enssins,®!
amj&
ur Engk
!y, Ye*
ive noble*
sure, man:
ike for a f
gold; and'
OF AJAX. £5
they shall still take it for me; for that ignorance
may perhaps do them less hurt in this matter,
then further knowledge; but yet what a special
Scripture that is to God's glory and their
shame, appears by David's prophecy in the
77th Psalm; where he saith, Percussit inimicos
suos in posteriora, opprobrium sempiternum
dedit illis; He smote his enemies in the hinder
parts, and put them to a perpetual shame. In
remembrance whereof, in some solemn litur¬
gies until this day, the same chapter of Aureos
anos is read.
What should I speak of the great league
between God and man, made in circumcision?
impressing a painful stigma or character in
God s peculiar people; though now most hap¬
pily taken away in the holy Sacrament of
baptism. What the word signified, I have
known reverent and learned men have been
ignorant: and we call it, very well, circumcision
and uncircumcision ; though the Rhemists (of
purpose belike to vary from Geneva) will needs
bring in prepuse: which word was after
admitted into the theatre with great applause,
by the mouth of master Tarlton the excellent
_
—
oQ the metamorphosis
comedian; when many of the beholders, that
were never circumcised, had as great cause as
Tarlton to complain of their prepuse. But
to come soberly, and more nearly to our present
purpose; in the Old Testament, the phrase is
much used of covering the feet; and in the
New Testament, he that healeth and helpeth
all our infirmities, useth the word draught;
that that goeth into the man, is digested in the
stomach, and cast out into the draught. Lastly,
the blessed apostle St. Paul, being rapt in
contemplation of divine blissfulness, compares
all the chief felicities of the earth, esteeming
them (to use his own word) as stercora , most
filthy dung, in regard of the joys he hoped for.
In imitation of which zealous vehemency, some
other writers have affected to use such phrase
of speech, but with as ill success as the ass
that leaped on his master at his coming home,
because he saw a little spaniel, that had so
done, much made of: for indeed, these be
counted but foul-mouthed beasts for their
labours.
But to conclude these holy authorities,
worthy to be alledged in most reverent and
OF AJAX.
£7
serious manner, and yet here also I hope with¬
out offence: let us come now to the ridiculous
rather than religious customs of the pagans,
and see, if this contemptible matter I treat of,
were despised among them; nay, rather observe,
if it were not respected with a reverence, with
an honour, with a religion, with a duty, yea
with a deity, and no marvel: for they that had
gods and goddesses, for all the necessaries of
our life, from our cradles to our graves; viz .
1. for sucking, 2. for swathing, 3. for eating,
4. for drinking, 5. for sleeping, 6. for hus¬
bandry, 7- for venery, 8. for fighting, 9* for
physic, 10. for marriage, 11. for childbed,
12. for fire, 13. for water, 14. for the thresholds,
15. for the chimneys: the names of which I
do set down by themselves, to satisfy those
that are curious ; 1. Lacturtia , 2. Cunina,
3. Edulcia, 4. Potina, 5. Morpheus , 6. Pan,
7. Priapus, 8. Pellona, 9- Aesculapius, 10.
Hymen, 11. Lucina and Vagitanus, 12.
JEther, 13. Salacia , 14. Lares, 15. Penates .
I say, you must not think they would commit
such an oversight, to omit such a necessary, as
almost in all languages hath the name of
28
THE METAMORPHOSIS
necessity, or ease: wherefore they had both a
god and a goddess, that had the charge of the
whole business: the god was called StercutiuSj
as they write, because he found so good an
employment for all manner of dung, as to lay
it upon the land: or perhaps it was he that first
found the excellent mystery of the kind setting
of a parsnip (which I will not here discover,
because I heard of a truth, that a great lady
that loved parsnips very well, after she had
heard how they grew, could never abide them);
and I would be loath to cause any to fall out
of love with so good a dish. Nevertheless
(except they will have better bread than is made
of wheat), they must (how fine soever they be)
give M. Stercutius leave to make the land able
to bear wheat. But the goddess was much
more especially, and properly assigned for this
business, whose name was Dea Cloacina; her
statue was erected by Titus* Tat ius y he that
reigned with Romulus , in a goodly large house
of office (a fit shrine for such a saint), which
Lodovicus Vives cites out of Lactantius .
But he that will more particularly inform
himself of the original of all these petty gods
OF AJAX.
had k and goddesses, as also of the greater, which
harge olj they distinguish by the name of Dij consent es,
ISfercfo which are, according to old Ennius' verse,
so gooi- divided into two ranks of lords and ladies.
Mg, as to. Juno, Vesta, Minerva, Ceresque, Diana, Venus. These gods
skbi Mars, Mercurius, Neptunus, Jovis, Vulcanus, Apollo. ™ < ^ ci
e U® Of all which, St. Augustine writes most divinely chapt S.
KaaIt A
These gods
were of the
privy council
book 4 .
lerefa to overthrow their divinity; and therefore I
agrcalli refer the learned and studious reader to his
after sk fourth and sixth books de Civitate Dei; where
r abide tk the original and vanity of all these gods and
my to Mi goddesses is more largely discoursed: with a
y ever j ; pretty quip to Seneca the great philosopher;
d thank who k e * n S m h ear * half a Christian, as was st. Angus
a. thought, yet, because he was a senator of chap. 10.
Rome, was fain (as St. Augustine saith) to
follow that he found fault with, to do that he
disliked, to adore that he detested. But come
we to my stately dame Cloacina, and her lord
Stercutius; though these were not of the higher
house called Consentes 9 yet I hope for their anti¬
quity, they may make great comparison; for he
is said to have been old Saturn , father to Picus
that was called Juppiter; and Cloacina was long
before Priapus , and so long before Felicity ,
THE METAMORPHOSIS
30
that St. Augustine writes merrily, that he thinks
verily, Felicity forsook the Romans for disdain
that Cloacina and Priapus were deified so
long before her; adding, Imperium Romanorum
propterea grandius, quam felicius fuit. The
Roman empire therefore was rather great than
happy. But howsoever lady Felicity disdains
her, no question but madam Cloacina was
always a very good fellow: for it is a token of
special kindness to this day, among the best
men in France, to reduce a syllogism in Bo -
cardo together: insomuch, as I have heard it
seriously told, that a great magnifico of Venice,
being ambassador in France, and hearing a
noble person was come to speak with him, made
him stay till he had untied his points; and
when he was new set on his stool, sent for the
nobleman to come to him at that time, as a
very special favour. And for other good fel¬
lowships, I doubt not but from the beginning it
hath often happened, that some of the nymphs
of this gentle goddess have met so luckily
with some of her devout chaplains, in her
chapels of ease, and paid their privy tithes so
duly, and done their service together with such
s
OF AJAX.
tatlel
as for ta
re tt
'lion®
iisjii 1
lerpjil
’/icifffe
Ckiwi
itisatoe
mongthei
llogismin:
I have k
lificoofla
and tarn
:vvith kiffl.5
is point;
;ool, seotte
that time,*
other
the begins
iof thenj?
met so I*
iaplains,»
r privy titte
yetherwith»
31
devotion, that for reward she hath preferred
them within forty weeks after to Juno Lucina ,
and so to Vagitana> Lacturtia , and Cunina;
for even to this day such places continue very
fortunate. And, whereas I named devotion, I
would not have you think, how homely soever
the place is, that all devotion is excluded from
it; for I happening to demand of a dear friend
of mine, concerning a great companion of his,
whether he were religious or no, and namely,
if he used to pray: he told me, that to his
remembrance he never heard him ask any thing
of God, nor thank God for any thing, except
it were at a Jakes, he heard him say, he thanked
God, he had had a good stool. Thus you see
a good stool might move as great devotion in
some men, as a bad sermon; and sure it suits
very well, that Quorum Deus est venter , eorum
templum sit cloaca . He that makes his belly
his god, I would have him make a Jakes his
chapel : but he that would indeed call to
mind how ArriuSy that notable and famous, or
rather infamous heretic, came to his miserable
end upon a Jakes, might take just occasion
even at that homely business to have godly
32
THE METAMORPHOSIS
thoughts, rather than as some have, wanton, or
most have, idle. To which purpose, I remem¬
ber in my rhyming days, I wrote a short elegy
upon a homely emblem; which, both verse and
emblem, they have set up in Cloacina’s chapel,
at my house, very solemnly. And I am the
willinger to impart it to my friends, because I
protest to you truly, a sober gentleman protested
to me seriously, that the conceit of the picture
and the verse was an occasion to put honest
and good thoughts into his mind. And Plu¬
tarch defends with many reasons, in his book
called Symposeons , that where the matters
themselves often are unpleasant to behold,
their counterfeits are seen not without delec¬
tation.
OF AJAX.
33
A godly father, sitting on a draught,
To do as need and nature hath us taught,
D
34 the metamorphosis
Mumbled (as was his manner) certain prayers,
And unto him the devil straight repairs!
And boldly to revile him he begins,
Alleging that such prayers are deadly sins;
And that he show'd he was devoid of grace,
To speak to God from so unmeet a place.
The reverent man, though at the first dismay'd,
Yet strong in faith, to Satan thus he said:
Thou damned spirit, wicked, false and lying,
Despairing thine own good, and ours envying ;
Each take his due, and me thou canst not hurt,
To God my prayer I meant, to thee the dirt .
Pure prayer ascends to him that high doth sit,
Downfalls the filth, for fiends of hell rnorefit.
Wherefore, though I grant many places and
times are much fitter for true devotion, yet I
dare take it upon me, that if we would give
the devil no kinder entertainment in his other
suggestions, than this father gave him in his
causeless reproof (for he gave it him in his
teeth, take it how he would); I say we
should not be so easily overthrown with his
assaults, as daily we are, for lack of due
For want of resistance. But come we now to more parti-
tbe good take . TT ,
heed. cular, and not so serious, matter. Have not
many men of right good conceit, served them¬
selves with divers pretty emblems of this
excremental matter ,• as that in Alciat, to shew
SIS
wpnijffi
airs'
lysiw;
fm
place,
stiimii,
hem ii:
»*w;
ist noik
'.tkiiri
^Mst
Ml mt ft
oany place
devotion, ■
we wonli.
lent in In 1,
rave fa;
ve it him u
Id); I*
throw**
ir lack oi
iv tomore|‘
iter, ft*
jit, served':
ablems if
iAlciat,to*
OF AJAX. 35
that base fellows oft-times swim in the stream
of good fortune, as well as the worthiest ?
Nos quoque poma notamus.
Or as the old proverb, as well as emblem, that
doth admonish men not to contend with base
and ignominious persons:
Hoc scio pro certo, quod si cum stercore certo
Vinco ceu vincor , semper ego maculor.
I know if I contend with dirty foes,
I must be foil'd, whether I win or lose.
Which emblem had almost hindered me the
writing of this present discourse, save that a
good friend of mine told me, that this is a
fancy, and not a fight; and that if it should
grow to a fight, he assured me I had found so
excellent a ward against his chief dart, which
is his strong breath, that I were like to quit
my hands in the fray as well as any man. But
to proceed in these rare emblems: who hath
not read or heard of the picture made in Ger¬
many, at the first rising of Luther? where to
shew, as it were by an emblem, with what dross
and draffe the Pope and his partners fed the
people, they caused him to be portrayed in
his pontificalibus riding on a great sow, and
holding before her taster a dirty pudding: which
n 2
Poma signifies
horse-dung, as
well as apples.
THE METAMORPHOSIS
36
dirty devise, Sleidan the historian, very justly
and gravely, both reports and reproves; yet it
served a turn for the time, and made great
sport to the people. But when this May-game
was done, an hundred thousand of them came
home by weeping-cross; so as the poor sow
was not only sold by the ears, but sold by a
drum, or slain by the sword. Yet the Flanders
cow had more wit than the German sow: for
she was made after another sort; viz. the mir¬
ror of princes feeding her, the terror of princes
spurring her, the Prince of Orange milking
her; or after some such fashion, for I may fail
in the particulars; but the conclusion was, that
m. D’Aien- Monsieur d’Allanson (who indeed with most
e°n. .
noble endeavour, though not with so happy
success, attempted them) would have pulled
her back by the tail, and she defiled his fingers.
And thus much for emblems. Now for poesy
(though emblems also are a kind of poesy), I
rather doubt that the often usage of such words
will make the poets be condemned, than that
the poets authorities will make the words be
allowed: but if their example can give any
countenance to them, they shall want none.
OF AJAX.
37
It is certain, that of all poems the epigram is
the wittiest; and of all that write epigrams,
Martial is counted the pleasantest. He, in his
38th epigram of his first book, hath a distichon
that is very pliable to my purpose: of one that
was so stately, that her close-stool was of gold,
but her drinking-cup of glass :
Ventris onus pure, nec te pudet excipis auro : Lib. i. ep. 38
Sed bibis in vitro, charius ergo cocas .
And in the same book, to a gentlewoman that
had a pleasure to have her dog lick her lips, as
many do now a days :
Os et laJbra, tibi lingit Manneia, Catellus: Lib. i. ep. 84.
Non miror, merdas si libet esse coni .
The dog still licks thy lips, but His no hurt;
I marvel not, to see a dog eat dirt .
Further, in his third book, he mocks one of his
fellow poets, that drove away all good company
with his verses; every man thought it such a
penance to hear them.
Nam t ant os, rogo, quis ferat labores? Lib.iii.ep.44.
Et stanti legis, et legis sedenti:
Currenti legis, et legis cacanti,
In Thermos fug io: sonas ad aurem, fyc.
Alas my head with thy long readings aches.
Standing or sitting, thou readest every whei'e .
If I would walk, if I would go V Ajax:
If to the bath, thou still art in mine ear .
THE METAMORPHOSIS
38
Where, by the way, you may note that the
French courtesy I spake of before, came from
the Romans; since, in Martial’s time, they
shunned not one the others company at Mon¬
sieur ajax. But now it may be, some man will
say, that these wanton and ribald phrases were
pleasing to those times of licentiousness and
paganism that knew not Christ; but now they
are abhorred and detested, and quite out of
request. I would to God, w ith all my heart,
he lied not that so said; and that indeed religion
could root out, as it should do, all such wanton
and vain toys (if they be all wanton and vain);
yet I am sure, that even in this age, and in this
realm, men of worth and wit have used the
words and phrases, in as homely sort as Martial;
some in light, some in serious matter. Among
Sir Thomas More’s epigrams, that fly over all
Europe for their wit and conceit, the very last
(to make a sweet conclusion) is this:
Sectile ne tctros porrum tibi spiret odores ,
Protinus a porro fac mild cepe cores .
Denuo feet or em si vis depellere cepe:
Hoc facile efficient allia mansa tibi;
Spiritus at si post etiam gravis , allia restat,
Aut nihil , aut tantum , tollere merda potest . v
OF AJAX.
k\
(*
d
39
Which, for their sakes that love garlic, I have
taken some pains with, though it went against
my stomach once or twice.
If leeks you leek , but do their smell di sleek.
Eat onions , and you shall not smell the leek:
If you of onioiis would the scent expel,
Eat garlic, that shall drown the onions smell:
But against garlics savour , at one wordy
I know but one receipt, what's that? go look.
Nay fie, will you name it, and read it to ladies:
thus you make them blame me that meant no
less. But to come again to pleasant Sir
Thomas; he hath another epigram, that though
this was but a sour one, I durst as lieve be his
half at this, as at that, and it is about a medicine
for the colic.
ilk
k
Te crepitus perdit nimium, si ventre retentes,
Te propere emissus servat item crepitus:
Si crepitus servare potest , et perdere, nunquid
Terrificis crepitus regibus cequa potest?
Thus ill-favouredly in English; for I will tell Nonest bona
. 1 . , ludere cum
you true, my muse was afraid to translate this sanctis.
It is good to
epigram, and she brought me out three or four piay with your
r & ^ . fellows.
sayings against it, both in Latin and English; ^ re^bul° n
and two or three shrewd examples, both
this last poet who died not of the colic, and headed *
40
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Two apoph¬
thegms of Sir
Thomas More.
of one Collingborne that was hanged for a
distichon of a cat, a rat, and a dog. Yet I
opposed Murus aheneus esto nil conscire sibi ,
and so with much ado she came out with it.
To break a little wind , sometime one’s life doth save ,
For want of vent behind , some folk their ruin have.
A power it hath therefore, of life and death express:
A king can cause no more , a crack doth do no less.
And when she had made it in this sorry fashion,
she hade me wish my friends, that no man
should follow Sir Thomas More’s humour, to
write such epigrams as he wrote, except he had
the spirit to speak two such apophthegms as
he spake; of which the last seems to fall fit
into our text. The first was, when the king
sent to him to know if he had changed his
mind; he answered, yea: the king sent straight
a counsellor to him to take his subscription to
the six articles. Oh, said he, I have not
changed my mind in that matter, but only in
this; I thought to have sent for a barber, to
have been shaved ere I had died; but now, if
it please the king, he shall cut off head, and
beard, and all together. But the other was
milder and prettier; for after this, one coming
OF AJAX.
41
5
angdftt
h \
consfirfjj
)utdu
feM^
'rvakn.
atktijrai:
do no to,
sorry 64
that no i
h humour,
exceptheh
Dphthegm?
?ms to Mi
vhen the b
i changed^
, I have f
r, but only’
r a bark:
but do*.
)ff head,»
he other «
; one cons
to him as of good will, to tell him he must
prepare him to die, for he could not live: he
called for his urinal, and having made water in
it, he cast it and viewed it {as physicians do) a
pretty while; at last he sware soberly, that he
saw nothing in that mans water, but that he
might live, if it pleased the king. A pretty
saying, both to note his own innocency, and
move the prince to mercy. And it is like, if
this tale had been as friendly told the king, as
the other perhaps was unfriendly enforced
against him, sure the king had pardoned him.
But alas! what cared he, or (to say the truth)
what need he care, that cared not for death ?
But to step back to my teshe (though every
place I step to yields me sweeter discourse);
what think you by Haywood, that escaped hang¬
ing with his mirth ? The king being graciously
and (as I think) truly persuaded that a man
that wrote so pleasant and harmless verses,
could not have any harmful conceit against his
proceedings; and so by the honest motion of
a gentleman of his chamber, saved him from
the jerk of the six stringed whip. This Hay¬
wood, for his proverbs and epigrams, is not yet
THE METAMORPHOSIS
42
put down by any of our country, though one
doth indeed come near him, that graces him
the more in saying he puts him down. But
both of them have made sport with as homely
words as ours be; one, of a gentlewomans
glove, save that without his consent it is no
good manners to publish it; but old Haywood
saith:
Except wind stand, as never wind stood,
It is an ill wind blows no man good.
And another not unpleasant, one that I cannot
omit.
By word without writing one let out a farm,
The lessee most lewdly the rent did retain,
Whereby the lessor wanting writing had harm:
Wherefore he vow'd, while life did remain,
Without writing never to let thing again.
Husband, quoth the wife , that oath again revart ,
Else without writing you cannot let a ci'ack,
God thank thee, sweet wife, quoth he, from my heart.
And so on the lips did her lovingly smack.
Such a thing it was; but not having the book
here, and my memory being no better than I
would have it, I have stumbled on it as w r ell as
I can. But now to strike this matter dead
with a sound authority indeed, and in so serious
a matter, as under heaven is no weightier, to
OF AJAX.
43
such a person, as in the world is no worthier,
from such a scholar, as in Oxford was no
learneder, mark what a verse here is in an
eucharistical and parenetical verse. He saith:
Italici Augcei stabulum fcedamque cloacam y
A te purgari Romamque oxvQaXot tulli.
If he had said stercora , I could guess well
enough what it had meant, but that the Greek
hath in some ears a better emphasis. Thus
writes their great Campiano^cuei- that con¬
founds all the Puritano Papist as; and yet to m. Rainoids
much more
sav truly, I make no great boast of his authority *emiy »seth
J J7 ° J the metaphor,
to my text. If I had alleged him in divinity, p ib 2 ^ chap * 8,
I would have stood lustily to it, and said
avroQ £<j)a, but for verses m praise ot his mistress,
there be twenty of us may set him to school:
for be it spoken, without disgrace or dispraise
to his poetry, such a metaphor had been fitter
for a plain dame abhorring all princely pomp,
and not refusing to wear russet coats, than for
the magnificent majesty of a maiden monarch.
Believe me, I would fain have made’him speak
good rhyme in English; but (as I am a true
Misacmos) I beat my brains about it, the space fA.ia<xx^os.
that one may go with the tide from London
44
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Bridge, down where the priest fell in upon the
maid, and from thence almost to Wapping, yet
I could not couch it into a cleanly distichon.
But yet, because I know mistress Philostilpnos
will have a great mind to know what it means,
I will tell her by some handsome circum¬
locution. His meaning is, that a lady of
ladies, did for zeal to the Lord of lords, take
the like pains to purge some popish abuses, as
the great giantly Hercules did for Augeus.
Now what manner of work that was, in the
process of this discourse, one way or other,
you shall see me bring it in; though yet I know
not where will be the fittest place for it: here
yet you see by the way I have told, the mans
meaning reasonable mannerly; yet still methink
I can say of his metaphor,
That still Cmethink) he us’d a phrase as pliant ,
That said , his mistress was for wit a giant.
But I pray you let me go back again to
merry Martial: for I should have one more of
his, if I have not lost it. Ad Phabum. Oh,
here I have it.
Utere lactucis et mollibus utere malvis,
Namfaciem, duram , Phoebe , cacantis habes.
OF AJAX.
45
He advises him to take somewhat to make him Lib. m. ep. 68.
soluble; for his face looked as if he were
asking, who should be M. Mayor the next
year. But I think this jest was borrowed of
Vespasian’s fool, or else the fool borrowed it of
him; but the jest is worthy to be received into
this discourse. This fool had jested somewhat
at all the board, and Vespasian himself: and
belike he thought it was ill playing with edge
tools and emperors; but Vespasian commanded
him, and promised him frank pardon, to break
a good jest upon him. Well, sir (then said
the fool), I will but tarry till you have done
your business ; whereby he quipped the Empe¬
ror’s ill feature of face, that even when he was
merriest, looked as if he had been wringing
hard on a close-stool. But let us seek some
better authorities than epigrams and jesters:
sure I am I shall find in history, which is called
nuncia vetustatis , vita memories , the reporter
of antiquities, the life of memory, many phrases
expressing the same action, and not thinking
their style any whit abased thereby. He that i. Sam. 24.
J J Spelunca qtiarn
writes the first book of Samuel, tells that ingressus est.
Saul ut purga-
David did cut off the lap of Saul’s coat, and rct ventrem -
THE METAMORPHOSIS
46
leaves not to tell what Saul was then doing.
The writer of Bassianus’ life, tells how he was
not only privily murdered, but murdered at the
privy. Heliogabulus* body was thrown into a
Suetonius. Jakes, as writeth Suetonius. Lastly, the best,
and the best written part of all our chronicles,
in all mens opinions, is that of Richard the
Third, written as I have heard by Moorton;
but as most suppose, by that worthy and
uncorrupt magistrate, Sir Thomas More, some¬
time Lord Chancellor of England; where it
is written, how the king was devising with
Terril, how to have his nephews privily mur¬
dered ; and it is added he was then sitting on a
draught (a fit carpet for such a counsel). But
to leave these tragical matters, and come to
comical; look into your sports of hawking and
hunting : of which noble recreations, the noble
Sir Philip Sidney was wont to say, that next
hunting, he liked hawking worst: but the fal¬
coners and hunters would be even with him,
and say, that these bookish fellows, such as he,
could judge of no sports but within the verge
of the fair fields of Helicon , Pindus, and Par¬
nassus . Now I would ask you, sir, lest you
SIS
is that
Ushowk;
lurderedt
s thrown
^stlj,lki
out chroL
)f Ricb.
1 by 5k
at woii
lasMore,':
;land; i
s dew
iws pnii
then sittk'
, counsel),
s, and of
i of bail
ations,tbe8
o say, fa 1
rst: butt
even lit
OWS, sucll
within tie •
inkM
)U, sffj ^
OF AJAX. 47
should think I never read Sir Tristram: Do
you not sometime (beside the fine phrase, or
rather metaphor, of inewing a woodcock) talk
both of putting a heron to the mount, and then
of his slicing? tell of springing a pheasant
and a partridge, and find them out by their
dropping? Do you not further, to judge of
your hawks health, look on her casting? If it
be black at one end, and the rest yellow, you
fear she hath the philanders: if it be all black,
you shall see and smell she is not sound.
Lastly, you have a special regard to observe,
if she make a clean mute. Moreover for
hunting, when you have harboured a stag, or
lodged a buck, doth not the keeper before he
come to rouse him from his lodging (not with¬
out some ceremony), shew you his femishing,
that thereby you may judge if he be a season¬
able deer? And soon after follows the melodious
cry of the hounds, which the good lady could
not hear because the dogs kept such a barking.
And when all this is done, and you are rehears¬
ing at dinner what great sport you have had,
in the midst of your sweet meats, in comes
Melampus or Ringwood, that sang the base
48 THE METAMORPHOSIS
that morning, and in the return home lighted
upon some powdered vermin, and lays a chase
under the table that makes all as sweet as any
sugar-carrion; and all this you willingly bear
with, because it is your pastime. Thus you
must needs confess it is more than manifest,
that without reproof of ribaldry or scurrility,
writings, both holy and profane, emblems,
epigrams, histories, and ordinary and familiar
communication, admit the use of the words
with all their appurtenances: in citing exam¬
ples whereof I have been the more copious,
because of this captious time; so ready to
backbite every mans work, and I would fore¬
warn men not to bite here, lest they bite an
unsavoury morsel. But here methink it were
good to make a pause, and (as it were at a long
dinner) to take away the first course, which
commonly is of the coarsest meat, as powdered
beef and mustard; or rather (to compare it
fitter) fresh beef and garlic, for that hath three
properties more suiting to this discourse: viz.
to make a man wink, drink, and stink. Now
for your second course, I could wish I had
some larks and quails, but you must have such
5
OF AJAX.
lomefe
lavs 1 4
sweet itt
Agin
. Ubt
bum i
or scum:
ne, emlile
f andfi
of Aen
i citing ea
more cop
; so real
IwouUh
t they to
letth
wereatali
course, *1
49
as the market I come from will afford; always
remembered, that our retiring place, or place of
rendezvous (as is expedient when men have filled
their bellies), must be Monsieur ajax, for I
must still keep me to my teshe: wherefore, as I
say, here I will make the first stop; and if you
mislike not the fare thus far, I will
make the second course
make you some
amends.
(***)
bathith * 1
iscoursc:-
[stint >
d wish I -
lusthav^
E
THE
SECOND SECTION;
* probing t \)e fatter not to be contemptible*
It hath been in the former part hereof suffi¬
ciently proved, that there is no obscenity or
barbarism in words concerning our necessaries:
but now for the place where these necessaries
are to be done; perhaps some will object, that
it was never of that importance, but that it
was left to each mans own care to provide for
that which concerned his own peculiar neces¬
sity. It is not so, for I can bring very authen-
tical proofs out of ancient records and histories,
that the greatest magistrates that ever were,
have employed their wits, their care, and their
cost, about these places; as also have made
divers good laws, proclamations, and decrees
about the same, and all thereto belonging, as
OF AJAX.
51
by this that ensues shall more plainly appear:
in the handling whereof, I will use a contrary
method to the former; for I will begin now
with prophane stories, and end with divine.
First, therefore most certain it is, that mischiefs
make us seek remedies, diseases make us find
medicines, and evil manners make good laws.
And as in all other things, so by all likelihood
in this we now treat of, when companies of
men began first to increase, and make of families
towns, and of towns cities, they quickly found
not only offence, but infection, to grow out of
great concourse of people, if special care were
i nee® not had to avoid it. And because they could
1 object,® not remove houses as they do tents, from place
but tk' to place, they were driven to find the best
means that their wits did then serve them, to
:uliar nee? cover rather than to avoid these annoyances,
veryaufc either by digging pits in the earth, or placing
mdkistor/ the common houses over rivers; but as Tully
evert saith of metaphors, that they were like our
re,andt apparel, first devised to hide nakedness, then
haven# applied for comeliness, and lastly abused for
and dectf pride; so I may say of these homely places,
elonging,* that first they were provided for bare necessity;
E 2
52 the metamorphosis
for indeed till Romulus’ time I find little men¬
tion of them, then they came to be matters of
some more cost, as shall appear in examples
following: and I think I might also lay pride
to their charge; for I have seen them in cases
of figured satin and velvet (which is flat against
the statute of apparel); but for sweetness or
33. Henry a. cleanliness, I never knew yet any of them
Sajax guilty of it; but that if they had but waited
bener gown on a lady in her chamber a day or a night, they
t^ss. would have made a man (at his next entrance
into the chamber) have said, so good speed
ye. Now, as scholars do daily seek out new
phrases and metaphors, and tailors do oft invent
new fardingales and breeches 5 so I see no
reason but magistrates may, as well now as
heretofore, devise new orders for cleanliness
and wholesomeness. But now to the stories,
I alleged before, as it were at the second hand,
out of Lactantius ; how Titus Tacius , that was
king with Romulus , erected the statue of the
goddess Cloacina in a great privy made for
that purpose. I find after this, in the story of
Livy, how Tarquinius Priscus, a man of
excellent good spirit, but husband to a wife of
OF AJAX.
53
a more excellent spirit; a man that won a
kingdom with making a learned oration, and
lost it with hearing a rude one; a king, that
was first crowned by an eagle, counselled by
an augur, and killed by a traitor: whose reign
and his ruin were both most strangely foretold.
This worthy prince is reported by that excel¬
lent historian, to have made two provisions for
his city, one for war, the other for peace; both
rauijiu
next into
very commendable: for war, a stone wall
about the town, to defend them from outward
invasions; and for peace, a goodly Jakes within
the town, with a vault to convey all the filth
into Tiber, to preserve them from inward
infection.
o gpodf
seek Qin
ire Mi
; so I«
s well do*
Not long after him reigned Tarquinius, sur-
named the proud; a tyrant, I confess, and an
to the$ usurper, and husband to a dragon rather than
a woman; but himself surely, a man valiant
in war, provident in peace, and in that young
world, a notable politician: of whom Livy
takes this special note; that coming to the
crown without law, and fearing others might
follow his example, to do that to him he had
done to another, he was the first that appointed
54
THE METAMORPHOSIS
a guard for his person, the first that drew
public matters to private hearing, the first that
made private wars, private peace, private con¬
federacies ; the first that lessened the number
of the senators, the first that when any of them
died kept their rooms void, with many excellent
Machiavellian lessons; which, whoso would
be better instructed of, let him read but his
accusing of Turnus, his stratagem against the
Gabians, &c. But the matter I would praise
him for, is none of all these; but only because
he built a stately temple, and a costly Jakes;
the words be, Cloacamque maximum receptacu -
lum omnium purgamentorum urbis; a mighty
great vault to receive all the filth of the city.
Of which two works, joining them both toge¬
ther, Livy saith thus: Quibus duobus operibus
vix nova hcec magnificentia quicquam adequa-
vit: which two great works, the new magnifi¬
cence of this our age can hardly match. Now
though Brutus after, in a popular and seditious
oration to incite the multitude to rebellion,
debased this worthy work of his, saying he
wasted the treasure of the realm, and tired and
toiled out the people, in exhaurendis cloacis ,
OF AJAX.
55
ill emptying of Jaxes (for that was his word);
yet it appears by the history, that if his son
had not defloured the chaste Lucrece (the mir¬
ror of her sex), Brutus, with his feigned folly,
true value, and great eloquence, could never
have disgraced him. For even with all the
faults, you see that Brutus his own sons would
have had him again; who laying their heads
together with many young gallants that thought
themselves much wiser than their fathers, con¬
cluded among themselves, that a king was
better than a consul, a court better than a
senate; that to live only by laws was too strict
and rigorous a life, and better for peasantly
than princely dispositions; that kings could
favour, as well as frown; reward, as well as
revenge; pardon, as well as punish: whereas,
the law was merciless, mute, and immutable:
finally, they concluded it was ill living for them
where nothing but innocency could protect a
man. Lo, Brutus! how eloquently thy sons
can plead against their father: but thou hadst
a jury of sure freeholders, that gave a verdict
against them ; and thyself wast both judge and
sheriff, and hastenedst execution.
56
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Oh, brave minded Brutus ! I will not call
thee primus Romanorum , because one was
shent for calling one of thy posterity, ultimas
Romanorum; but this I must truly say, they
were two brutish parts, both of him and you:
one to kill his sons for treason, the other to kill
Caesar called his father in treason : and yet you w ould both
andsaidtohim make us believe you had reason: and why so?
when he stab- J J
bed at him, forsooth because
XCtl (TV
nyyov. Victrix causa placet superis sed victa Catoni.
That is to say, in English, you had great fortune,
and your cousin had great friends; yet neither
died in bed, but both in battle; only his death
was his enemies advancement, and thy death
was thy enemies destruction; but to omit these
trifles and return to my teshe: whereas thou
railest against so great a prince for making of
so sumptuous a Jakes, this I cannot endure at
thy hands; and if thou hadst played me such
a saucy part here in my country, first of mine
it seems the own authority, I would have granted the good
wooidjambe behaviour against you; secondly, Tarquinius
tice of peace, himself might have Scandalum magnatum
against you; and, thirdly, a bill should have
been framed against you in the Star-chamber,
upon the statute of unlawful assemblies; and
then you would have wished you had kept your
eloquence to yourself, and not when a man
hath done but two good works in all his life,
you to stand railing at one of them. For
suppose that Tarquin had given me but a fee,
thus would I plead for him: M. Brutus, you
have made us believe all this while you were
but a fool; but I see now, if one had begged
you, he should have found you a Bigamus.
And whereas you seem to disgrace my honour¬
able client for making of ajax, I dare under¬
take to prove it, that your own laws, your
religions, your customs, yea, your conscience
is against you, and shews it is but a mere calum¬
niation. For to omit dame Cloacina , so lately
deified, did not the noble Hercules, whom you
Brutus honour as a god, far ancienter than
Quirinus and Romulus , among those many
labours that eternized his memory, make clean
Augeus’ dunghills.
Quis non Euristea durum.
Aut illaudati nescit Busiridis aras .
If the work have a baseness, Tarquinius but
with his purse, Hercules with his person
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Martial. 505.
Carpere causi-
dicus fertur
mea carmina
qui sit, nescio
si sciero ve tibi
causidicie.
affected it; leaving a pattern to posterity, both
of labour and wit; for by turning a stream of
water on the micksons, he scoured away that
in a week, that an hundred could scarce have
done in a year. Then would I end with some
exclamation, and say, O tempora, O mores! Oh
times, oh manners! If a man be not popular,
you will straight say he is proud; if he keep
good hospitality, you will say he doth but fill
many Jaxes; if he build goodly vaults for
sewers, you will say he spends his treasure in
exhauriendis cloacis . Or rather I would say,
O Hercules! come and bend thy bow against
Brutus, that shoots arrows through thy sides to
slay Tarquinius. But now let me leave playing
the lawyer, and lawyerlike be friends imme¬
diately with him, whom even now I talked
against so earnestly, I mean with Brutus; be¬
cause indeed, saving in this one case, I never
mean to be of counsel with Tarquin; for such
proud clients will speak us passing fair while
we serve their turns, and after pick a quarrel
against us when we sue for a reward. Now
therefore to go forward with the story.
When this valiant Brutus had thus discarded
3
OF AJAX.
mcrityi
idainjt
1 scarce i
ndwiisi
Ohms ,' 1
! DOt pOjll!
I; if kit
^ doA te¬
lly dfci
y bow©
ghthysite
e leave pk
friends iia
now 1
b Brute'
case, I ip
juin; for*
ing iiri
pick a f
ward. I 5
story,
husdisc^
59
the kings and queens out of the pack, and
showed himself indeed a sworn and avowed
enemy to all the coate cards, there crept in
many new forms of government, and every one
worse than other: namely, consuls , dictators ,
decemviri , tribunes , triuniviri ; till at last, after
often interchanges, it came to the government
of Emperors. In all which times there were not
only laws and special caveats given to the great
officers in time of war and danger, Ne quid
respub. detrimenti caperet, to look to the safety
of the main chance (the commonwealth), but
also there were officers of good account; as
JEdiles, pratores urbis, that made inquiries de
stillicidijs , de aqua ductibus , of reparation of
houses, of water courses, or common sewers; of
which I could recite out of the 43rd book of
the Digest . tit. 23. de c/oacis; where you shall
find it was lawful for any man purgare et reji-
cere cloacam . What officers were to license
him that would privatam cloacam facer e, qua
habeat exitum in publicum. What special
care was to be had of Tubus and Fistula .
Lastly, that novam cloacam facere is concedit ,
cui publicarum viarum cura sit; that is, that
(30
THE METAMORPHOSIS
no man might make a new Jakes, but he that
had licence of the wardens of highways; with
much more, which I would cite if it were not
to avoid prolixity. And from them no doubt
was derived our commission of sewers, of
which the best of us all I hope will take no
scorn: which commission, though in our coun¬
try it is chiefly intended to keep open the chan¬
nels of rivers in the deep country, that the
water may have free passage; yet the very
name imports, that therein is comprised the
subject of my present discourse; which in
populous towns had as much need to be looked
to, as the other, infection being fit to be avoided,
as well as inundation. But now I hasten to
imperial examples; for though I have showed
already some authorities for my text out of the
practise of the laws, the provident care of
magistrates, the magnificent cost of kings, the
religion (though false) of pagans: yet until
I have added to all these the majesty of
emperors, and the verity of Scriptures, I sup¬
pose some carping mouths will not be stopped.
The first example I meet with among the
emperors, was a matter rather of courtesy
Ol? AJAX.
Mi
gWays;-,
if it vet?
hem no i
of m.
e willtat
gtinoma
openlki
untry, tk
; yet tb
compile
urse; A
leedtoWs
fittobeiu
low Ik
hlhavei
iy test out®
rovideot »
ost of fc
igans: p
the map
cripturftJ
II not best?
with a®®
her if*
61
than cost: and if any man will say, that I draw r
this into my treatise as it were obtorto collo, I some of our
rude country-
ailSWer, that in my understanding, the tale men English
J ' this {obtorto
falleth so fit and proper unto this discourse, as colu,s > han emg
* 2111 RISC*
indeed to have brought it into any discourse
saving of a jax, I would say it were improper
and uncivil: the argument holds a minore ad
majus. Now hearken to my tale. Claudius,
Emperor of Rome, and husband to that filthy
Messalina (vilissima quce fuerunt vel sunt), Agrippa saith
3 J of her, that she
she that was worthy for the commonness of her lay with twen-
body (be it spoken w ith save the reverence of ^ f " u l r n
all women that are or were, save herself) to
have been metamorphosed into a jax, rather
than poor Hecuba , for barking at him that™***
killed her son, into a bitch. This Claudius, I
say, though not for cost (as Tarquin), yet for
his courtesy was greatly to be commended:
for a gentleman one day being talking with
him, and falling suddenly into a grievous fit of
the colic, the poor gentleman would not for
good manners sake break wind, which might
presently have eased him; and after the dis¬
ease increased so sore on him that he died.
The Emperor informed of his death, was much
52 THE METAMORPHOSIS
grieved thereat, especially hearing of the cause;
and immediately thereupon made it be solemnly
proclaimed, that if any man hereafter should
be troubled with the colic, it should not be
taken for ill manners to break wind, though it
were in the Emperor’s own company. Now it
may be, some man in disgrace of this pro¬
clamation will say, that this Claudius was but
a cuckold and a fool. I answer, that for the
cuckold that was none of his fault; and if it
were a fault, God forbid all our faults should
be seen on our foreheads. And for the fool, the
old proverb may serve us, Stultorum plena sunt
omnia; the world is full of fools, but take heed
how you beg him for a fool: for I have heard
of one that was begged in the court of wards
for a fool, and when it came to trial, he proved
a wiser man by much than he that begged
him; and though I have small skill in the law,
especially in these prerogative cases (for I must
confess I studied Littleton but to the title of
discontinuance), yet methink I should find out
a quirk, to make them that should beg him have
a cold suit in the court of wards. For I take
it to be a ruled case, that though a man hold
rr
)SI$
igoflheu
leitbesoln
ereafter a
should k
wind, tk*
ipany. 5
:e of tel
audius to
er, that fe
fault; i:
lr faults 4
forthefc
ormplm
s, buttakelt
or I have x
court of P
trial, hep
le that te
skill into
ises (fori*
to the title
hould find
1 beg kink
i. Fori*
rharnarik
OF AJAX. 63
wholly in Capite, put the case by a whole
knights service, or half a knights service, yet
if he be covert baron, as Claudius was (for I
am sure his wife wore the breeches), and being
at his fool age of thirty-one, the Custodia
must of course be granted to the wife, although
the man be plus digue de sang. And thus
much we say, saving to ourselves all advantage
of exception to the insufficiency of the bill, &c.
And without that, the said Claudius did fondly Tw o parts
. . . . why Claudius
to cause a mans hand to be cut oft upon the was esteemed
r a fool.
motion of a stranger; and without that, he had LookeSueton.
almost marred all the pastime he and his friends
should have had at a Naumachia, or sea-game,
with re-saluting the slaves that should have
fought, in good Latin. And lastly, without
that, the said Claudius, at his being in England Claudius was
7 ° ° in England.
(though he was counted one of the best free¬
holders in Middlesex), could forfeit any land
that he held by the right of his sword, either
in fee-simple or fee-tail, either by the sock or
the smock, to any other lady, but the lady his
wife. But alas, Claudius! thy friends may
say, that I am a bad lawyer; for all this while
I have done little better than confess the action;
THE METAMORPHOSIS
64
but I care not, seeing thou art dead, Mortui
non mordent , and it were fitter now to preach
for thee, than to plead for thee : well then for
thy gentle proclamations sake, lo ! what in
sadness (if I were to make thy funeral sermon)
I would say for thee, that howsoever some
He is called writers have wronged thee with the name of a
fool to his face. * n Q £ thy judgments I may liken thy
wisdom to Solomon; and in one of thy jests
But hereby I can compare thy wit with Diogenes. As for
hangs a tale. ...... ,
example, a woman on a time disclaiming her
son, and pretending that for conscience sake
she must needs confess a truth, viz. how her
own child died, and this was a supposititius , a
substitute in his place, for avoiding of her
husbands displeasure; no evidence appearing
to the contrary, and the next heir following
the matter very hard, by complot with the
mother who remained obstinate in the tale.
Clandius’judg- Claudius, then sitting in judgment, seems to
ment like that .. .
of Solomon. believe it; and seeing the man a comely young
man, and she no old woman, and oft protesting
she maliced him not, he commanded her imme¬
diately in his presence to marry him. The
malicious mother, driven to that unlooked for
ft
sis
; m
now top
: wellfe
!,lo!ik
funeral n
owsoerei!
ltheni
I may fe
one of tij
ogenes. i
conscience
th, luk
isufjxi
avoiding
dencef
;t keif ft
implot is
iate in
rment, «#
a comely;
id oft
tndedherB
arry him-
at unlooi^-
OF AJAX. 6j
pinch, openly confessed her unnatural malice,
to avoid so unnatural a marriage: and thus
much for his justice; now let us hear what his
jest is. A certain gentleman that had his
fingers made of lime twigs, stole a piece of
plate from Claudius one day at a banquet; the
conveyance was not so cleanly, but one had
spied it and told the Emperor, and offered to
accuse him of it, whereby his goods might
have been all confiscate: but this good prince
would neither head him nor hang him, no nor
so much as once suffer him to be troubled; only
the next time he came he caused him to be
served in an earthen dish; the gentleman being
abashed at it, for the dish gave him his dinner.
Claudius was so far from laying his crime in
his dish, that he said, be of good cheer man,
and fall to thy meat, and when thou hast dined
put up that dish too; for I will spare thee that
with a better will than the last, for perhaps
thou hast a mind to poke up thy dish when thou
likest the meat well. And so farewell, good
Claudius, and when any of my friends are
troubled with the colic, I hope I shall make
them remember thee.
F
66
THE METAMORPHOSIS
The next emperor that is fit to bring into
this discourse, is Vespasian; though his prede¬
cessor Vitellius, who is noted to have been a
passing great eater, would I think have taken
it in good part, to have been offered a cleanly
and easy place for egestion after his good
digestion. But to the purpose: Vespasian,
before he was emperor, had borne some other
offices, among the which one was JEdilis; and
it is written of him, that he incurred great dis¬
pleasure with Otho, then emperor, because he
had not seen better to the keeping sweet of the
streets, and caused the filth of them (according
to his office) to be carried to the places
appointed for the same. But afterwaid, him¬
self coming to be emperor (though the city of
Rome was before his time sufficiently furnished
of Jaxes), yet it seemed there wanted other
places of near affinity to them (which he found
belike when he was jKdile by experience), I
mean certain pissing conduits; and therefore
he caused divers to be erected in the most
populous and frequented places of the city,
and saved all the urine in cisterns, and sold it
for a good sum of money to the dyers. But
rr
kra»i
Ap
me bee
have tik
ed add
lew*
r, be®:
g sweet oil
jm(accd
to the pk
terwarii
igh the cr
intlyturi
wanted &
rhichbcf^
| in tie •
iofW
is, andsoid
• dyers, t
OF AJAX. 67
though I tell you the tale thus plainly, you
must imagine the matter was much more for¬
mally and finely handled, and namely, that
there was an edict set out in this sort:
By the Emperor
C. FLAVIVS VESPASIANVS PATER PATRIiE, SEMPER
AVGVSTVS, &c.
Forasmuch as his Majesty hath been in¬
formed by sundry credible men, that great
abuse is committed by the irreverent demeanour
of divers persons, ill brought up, who without
all due respect of civility and reverence, in
most unseemly manner shed their urine, not
only against the walls of his royal palace, but
also against the temples of the Gods and God¬
desses : whereby not only ugly and loathsome
sights, but filthy and pestiferous savours are
daily engendered: his Majesty therefore, as
well of a fatherly care of his citizens, as of a
filial reverence to the Gods, hath to his great
charges, and of his princely bounty and mag¬
nificence, erected divers and sundry places of
fair polished marble, for this special purpose;
requiring, and no less straightly charging all
persons, as well citizens as strangers, to refrain
F 2
THE METAMORPHOSIS
68
from all other places, saving these specially
appointed, as they tender his favour, &c.
Thus could I have penned the edict, if I
had been secretary; for it had not been worth
a fig, if they had not artificially covered the
true intent (which was the profit), and gloriously
set forth the goodly and godly pretence (that
was least thought on); viz. the health of the
people, and clean keeping of the temples.
But I doubt, notwithstanding this goodly edict,
it will be objected, that it was condemned for
a base part, by a judge whose sentence is above
all appeal; I mean that noble Titus , delicia
humani generis; he that thought the day lost in
which he had done no man good; to answer
which I w6uld but say, as was said to him
when the passing money was put into the per¬
fumed purse, suavis odor lucri , the smell of
gain is sweet. And I dare undertake, this
answer will satisfy divers men in London, and
many of the worshipful of the city, that make
oils, oad, tar, sweet gains of stinking wares; and will laugh,
&c.
and be fat, and say,
So we get the chinks,
We will bear with ihe stinks.
IS
iese ^
)ur,k
ie edict,!
ot been n
y coveraii
, andgloncv
the te
isgoolji
cond«:
ntenceki
ik, a
tthedayb
od; to®
as said to i
utiutoth
i, the d
undertalV-
d London
city, that®
and will!*
OF AJAX. 69
But I must find out a better answer for
courtly wits; and therefore I say to them, that
according to the discipline and custom of the
Romans (in my opinion under reformation of
their better judgments), this was so honourable
a part of Vespasian, that he was therefore
worthy to have been deified: for if Saturnus
was allowed as a god, by the name of Stercu-
tius, as is before alleged, for finding a profit¬
able use of all manner of soil, I see a good
reason (a paribus) that Vespasian should as
well be deified for finding a means to make
money of urine; and accordingly to be named
Urinatius, of Urina; as the other is, of
Stercus , Stercutius . Further, Vespasian was
famous for two true miracles done by him,
greater than all their gods beside ever did. Now
if any take exception to his face, because the
fool told him he looked as if it went hard with
him, trust me it shall go hard with me too, but
I will find somewhat to say for him; and first,
I will get some of the painting that comes
from the river of Oroonoque, winch will won¬
derfully mend his complexion. Secondly, I
will say this; how bad soever his face was, he
THE METAMORPHOSIS
70
had something so good, that a handsome woman
gave him a thousand crowns for putting his
seal with his label to her patent; and yet she
exhibited the petition (as I take it) in forma
paper , for she was stark naked. Once this I
am sure Suetonius writes; that when his stew¬
ard asked him how he should set down that
thousand crowns on his book, he bade him
write it among his other perquisites in some
such sort:
Item . For respite of homage from a x
loving tenant to her lovely lord, for i 1000 crowns .
a whole knights fee, recepi . J
Now for his wit, though I could tell you
two excellent tales, how he deceived a groom
of the chamber, of his brother, and how he
would needs be half with his horse-keeper, for
setting on a shoe on a horse that lacked none;
yet I omit them both, because many will be too
apt to follow the precedent, and I will keep
me very strictly to my teshe; and specially be¬
cause I hasten to a most royal example, I mean
of Trajan. There is no man (I think) that
hath either travelled far countries, or read
foreign stories, but hath either heard of the
s
OF AJAX.
romeim
it)»Jn
Oncetk
'hen his !b
set don
he bade k
isites in >.:
1 1000 cum
could teS p
rived a p!
■, and bowl
rse-keeptT,s
t lacked b»
any will Ik*
id I rills
d specially'
ample,!® 1
(I M*
tries, or ®
heard of *
71
famous exploits and victories that lie had, or
seen some of the stately and sumptuous monu¬
ments that he made. This Trajan was Em¬
peror of Rome ; and then emperor when
Rome stood at her highest pitch of greatness:
a man whose conquests were most glorious,
whose buildings were most gorgeous, whose
justice was most gracious: he that staid his
whole army, to right the cause of one widow;
he that created a magistrate, and delivering
him the sword for justice, said to him, use this
for me as long as I govern justly, but against
me when I govern otherwise; he in whose
time no learned man was seen to want, no poor
man was seen to beg; he that would boast of
Nerva his predecessor, of Plotina his wife, of
Plutarch his counsellor; finally, this Trajan
was so well accomplished a prince in all
princely virtues, as no story, no time, no
memory, in all points, can match him. This
most renowned Emperor, hearing there was a
town in Bithynia, far off* from Rome, and in a
place where he was like never to be troubled
with the evil savour, that was much annoyed
for lack of a good conveyance of the common
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Argumentum
quaprit an.
The contents
is, whether he
shall cover the
water that runs
by the town of
Amestris.
72
privies, thought himself bound (as a father to
all his subjects) to provide a remedy for such
an inconvenience; and of his own purse he
took order for making a vault, of great cost
and charge, in the city. And for full satisfaction
of the reader herein, I will set down the two
epistles as I find them in the tenth book of
the epistles of Plinius Secundus to Trajan.
Epist. 99-
Plinius Secundus Trajano Imp. S.
Amastrianorum civitas , Domine, et elegans
et ornately habet , inter prazeipua opera pulclier-
rimam eandemque longissimam plateam, cujus
a latere per spatium omne porrigitur , nomine
quidemJhimen, revera cloaca fazdissima. Quaz
sicut turpis et immundissima aspectu ita pesti-
lens est odore teterrimo. Quibusex causis non
minus salubritatis quam decoris interesty earn
contegi. Quod fiet si permiseris } curantibus
nobis ne desit quoque pecunia operi tarn magno ,
quam necessario .—Which is thus in English:
Caius Plinius, to Trajan the Emperor, greet¬
ing- The city of the Amestrians (my lord)
being commodious and beautiful, hath among
her principal goodly buildings, a very fair and
OF AJAX.
ISIS
Mai?
medvfei
own pup
) °f graii
full salt
down tt'
tenth h
AstoIfB
dhf, i
i opera pi
.phkav
rigitur,M
dim 1
pedtiittp
mcdi
is inters
m , curai
iritonW
sinEn»i
Imperor#
ians (mj ^
1, hath a®'
i very to*
long street, on the side whereof runneth through
the whole length of it a brook, in name (for it
is called so), but indeed a most filthy Jakes;
which as it is foul and most uncleanly to behold,
so is it infectious with the horrible vile savour;
wherefore it were expedient, no less for whole¬
someness than for handsomeness, to have it
vaulted, which shall be done if it please you to
allow it; and I will take care that there shall
be no want of money for such a work, no
less chargeable than necessary. Thus writes
Plinius Secundus , a Roman senator, and as it
were a deputy lieutenant in the province of
Bithynia, to the great Trajan; and I do half
marvel he durst w rite so; for had it been in the
time of Domitian, Commodus, or Nero, either
Martial should have jested at him with an
epigram; or some secretary that had envied
his honest reputation, should have been willed
to have answered the letter in some scornful
sort; and would have written thus:
Master Pliny, my Lord God the Emperor Che scrisse
1 ~ - taccia, et piu
not vouchsafing to answer your letter himself, no’l faccia.
hath commanded me to write thus much to you;
that he marvels you will presume to trouble
74 THE METAMORPHOSIS
his divine Majesty with matters of so base
regard; that your father being held a wise man
and a learned, might have taught you better
manners; that his Majesty hath matters of great
import, concerning the state of the empire,
both for war and peace, to employ his treasure
in: thus much I was commanded to write.
Now for mine own part, let me say thus much
to you; that I heard my Lord God the Emperor
say, that if the ill savour annoy you, you may
send to your mistress for a perfumed handker¬
chief to stop your nose; and that some physi¬
cians say, the smell of a Jakes is good against
the plague.—Some such answer as this, had
been like to have come from some of those
beastly emperors, and their filthy followers.
But how did Tfajan answer it? I will set you
dow n his own letter, out of the same book, in
the same language.
Argumentum.
Permittit confornicari cloacam ,
tr. plinio. s.
Rationis est, mi Secunde charissime y contegi
aquamistam,quaper civitatem Amastrianorum
Jiuit, si detecta salubritati obest . Pecunia nc
as
rs of so|
ill a^i
nattersofr
)f the ffij
loyhistRa
tided to n
say fee
idtheEffij?
y you, ytfti
limed bus
lat somepi
is good®
eras ft
some of ii
ilthy (ok
1 Iwik
e samehii
, F0
OF AJAX. 75
huic open desit curaturum te secundum diligen -
tiam, tuam certum habeo . Thus in English:
It is good reason, my dearest Secundus, that
the water be covered that runs by the city of the
Amestrians, if the want of covering may breed
infection: and for money for the work, I make
no question, but you according to your accus¬
tomed diligence will make provision.
Short and sweet, yea most sweet indeed, be¬
cause it was of an unsavoury matter. But I
had almost forgot to English the argument; and
then folks might laugh indeed at me, and think
I were Magister incipiens with an s. and say I
could not English these three words, permittit
confornicari cloacam; what the good yeere,
what is this same confornicari? Trust me, this
is a word I never read in Homer nor Aristotle;
marry indeed they wrote but ill Latin: no nor
in Tully, in Livy, in Tacitus, nor in all the
poets: what a strange word is this! Ho, sirrah,
bring hither the dictionary. Which of them,
Cooper? No, no, Thomas Coperus omisitplu-
rima verba . Which then, that with the French
afore the Latin, or Thomas Thomas? Yea,
bring me them two. What, hast thou brought
76 THE metamorphosis
the two dictionaries? I meant but the two
a great officer Thomases. Come old friend Tom, Tom, Qui
r,°"ftEton. fueras quondam clam pmpositor aula, you
Master of the J , • , i T
rods. have made rods to jerk me withal ere now; 1
think I shall give you a jerk, if you do not help
me to some English for this word. Look it,
sirrah, there in the dictionary. Con, con. Tush,
what dost thou look in the French? thou wilt
make a sweet piece of looking, to look for con-
fornicar in the French: look in the Latin for
Eliot’s Dicuo -fomicor. F, fa, fe, fi, fo, for, for, foramen,
pCT’s, a pi d acc° u ' forfex, forica, forma, fornicator (now I think
words too near J am near it), fornix , fomicor , -aris, -are.
together. 77 J J
There, what is that? a vault, to vault or arch
any thing with a compass. Well said, carry
away the books again now I have it. Then thus
it is: He alloweth the vaulting or arching over
of the Jakes. Marry, God’s blessing on his
heart for his labour, and I love him the better
for it. Wherefore (most noble Trajan) thou
mayest well be called the pattern of all princely
qualities; comely, beautiful, martial, merciful,
a lover of learning, moderate in private ex¬
penses, magnificent in public, most goodly of
stature, amiable, not only in thy virtues, but
SIS
OF AJAX.
t tilt tt)
Mu
itor aii
tal m
youdonoii
ford, k
inch: k
,tolookti
in the Lit
for (nodi
if or, 4 ■
to vault in
veit. Ik
Torarcfe
} him
le Trap :
rnofallp 1 **
lartial, ^
! in p^ 1:
most go>>”
thy fl*
77
even in thy vices: for, to say the worst was
ever said of thee, these were all thy faults;
ambition or desire of glory in wars, love of
women, and persecuting of religion. For so
they join thee, Nero , Domitianus , Trajanus,
Antonius, Pontifices Romanos laniarunt. To
which, thus I answer without a fee, but with all
my heart: that thy ambition was so honourable,
and thy warlike humour so well tempered, that
thou didst truly witness of thyself, that thou
didst never envy any mans honour, for the con¬
fidence thou hadst of thine own worth; and
all the world can witness, that thou never didst
make unjust war, nor refuse any just or indif¬
ferent peace. For that same sweet sin of
lechery, I would say as the friar said, a young
man and a young woman in a green arbour in
a May morning; if God do not forgive it, 1
would. For as Sir Thomas More saith of
Edward the Fourth; he was subject to a sin,
from which, health of body in great prosperity
of fortune, without a special grace, hardly
refraineth. And to speak uprightly of him,
his lusts were not furious, but friendly; able
with his goodly person, his sweet behaviour,
73 the metamorphosis
and his bountiful gifts, to have won Lucretia.
Besides, no doubt, his sin was the less, in that
he ever loved lus wife most dearly, and used
her most respectively: for I have ever main¬
tained this paradox, it is better to love two too
many, than one too few. Lastly, for the per¬
secution of thy time, though I dare not defend
it, yet there is a maxim, invincibilis ignorantia
recusat, and sure thou didst not know the
truth, and thy persecution was very gentle, and
half against thy will, as appeareth by the 98th
epistle of the tenth book of Pliny’s epistles;
where thou dost utterly reject all secret pro¬
moters, and dost pronounce against the strict
inquisition, Conquirendi non sunt, etc. Where¬
fore I doubt not to pronounce, that I hope thy
soul is in heaven, both because those thou didst
persecute prayed for thee, wishing to thee, as
Tertullian saith, Vitam prolixam, imperium
securum, domum tut am, exercitus fortes, se~
natum Jidelem, populum probum, orbem quie-
tum; a long life, a happy reign, a safe dwel¬
ling, strong armies, a faithful senate, honest
people, and a quiet world. Further, it is written
by authors of some credit, that thy soul was
OF AJAX.
79
eleg'll Gregory; winch though 1 am not bound to writes this of
& ° Trajan: be-
1 M 1 believe, yet as in love I had rather love too u ® ve them
7 J who list: for
who list; for
Ms many than too few, so in charity I had rather
o love to: believe too much than too little. As for that
y, for If scripture, ex inferno nulla redemption I have
.are nolle: heard it oft alleged by great clerks; but I think
ilisijia it is in the Epistle of St. Paul to the Laodiceans,
not tor or in Nicodemus’ Gospel: for I never yet
erygenii could find it in the Bible. Wherefore, this I
ethbytk will frankly say for Trajan; that wheresoever I
find a prince or a peer, with so great virtues
a l| seCK l and so few vices, I will honour him, love him,
extol him, admire him, and pronounce this of
jj | him; that the army is happy that hath such a
tfatlkf general, the prince happy that hath such a
counsellor, the mistress happy that hath such a
servant, and thus I end my prophane autho¬
rities. And now I come to the divine; wherein
I think I shall serve you, in the banquet I have
, promised you, as myself have been served many
!• * * A \
times at our commencement leasts, and such
[] a SHI? n
like, in Cambridge; that when we have been in
the midst of some pleasant argument, suddenly
the Bibler hath come, and with a loud and
80
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Authorities of
Scripture.
audible voice begun with Incipit libri Deute-
ronomium, caput vicesimum tertium. And then
suddenly we have been all s’t tacete, and heark¬
ened to the Scripture; for even so must I now,
after all our pleasant stories bring in, as I pro¬
mised, some divine authorities; to the which I
pray you let us with all due reverence be
attentive.
In the aforesaid xxiii. chapter of Deutero¬
nomy, in the 12th verse, I find this text.
12 Habebis locum extra castra ad quern
egrediaris ad requisita naturae .
13 Gerens paxillum in balteo , cumquesede-
ris,fodies per circuitum , et egeste humo operies
quo relevatus es .
14 Dominus enim Dens tuus ambulat in
medio castrorum , ut eruat te , et tradat tibi
inimicos tuos y et sint castra tua sancta , et nihil
in eis appareat fadit at is, ne derelinquat te.
That is:
12 Thou shalt have a place without thy
tents, to which thou shalt go to do thy neces¬
sities of nature.
13 Carrying a spade-staff in thy hand, and
when thou wilt ease thee, thou shalt cut a
Or a trowel.
IS
OF AJAX.
81
round turf; and thou shalt cover thy excrements
IWL therewith, in the place where thou didst ease
Mkl thyself.
oni ^ 14 For the Lord thy God walketh in the
midst of thy tents to deliver thee, and to give
to the A thy enemies into thy hands; that thy tents may
reveres be holy, and that there appear no filthiness
in them, lest he forsake thee.
Jr of Du But metliink some may say, upon hearing of
this text. this text, what is it possible there should be
istraai such a scripture that handleth so homely mat¬
ters? I can hardly believe it; I have always
and ofttimes when the weather hath been foul,
and that I have had no other book to read on,
us and have wanted company to play at cards or
d Ink at tables with me, I have read in those books
of the Old Testament, at least half an hour
by the clock; and yet I remember not any such
matter. Nay, further, I have heard a preacher
that hath kept an exercise a year together upon
the books of Moses, and hath told us of
Genesis and genealogies, of the ark and pro¬
pitiatory, of pollutions, of washings, of lepro¬
sies; but I never heard him talk of such a
G
82
THE METAMORPHOSIS
homely matter as this. I answer it may be so
very well. And therefore now I pray you,
sith the text is so strange to you, give me leave
to put you in mind of two virtuous and honest
observations out of this (how homely soever)
yet holy Scripture. One, to be thankful to
our Saviour for his mercies; the other, to
be faithful to our sovereign for her merits.
We may thank God that all these servile
ceremonies, which St. Paul calleth the works
of the law, as circumcision, new moons, sab¬
baths, washings, cleansings, with touch not,
handle not, eat not, &c. are now taken away
and quite abolished by the Gospel; which hath
now made Omnia munda mundis . And as
St. Augustine saith, instead of ceremonies,
cumbersome, infinite, intolerable, impossible,
hath given sacraments, easy, few, sweet, and
gracious; and hath taught us, instead of hearing
Fac hoc et vives , to say now to him, Da Domine
quodjubes. Secondly, where as it seems you
never heard this text preached on, you may
bless in your soul, and pray for her Majesty's
so peaceable and prosperous reign; this text
being not fit for peace and a pulpit, but only
OF AJAX.
83
tmayks
[pran*
ivemeler-
sand
nely m
Will
he o4ei ? i
r her mn
these set.
Atkeie
r mooLSi*
h touch
w taken aw
I; which
& til
' cerenm
5, imposi'
r, sweeU
ad of Ifl®
i,m
it seem.';'
on, you®
her Map
ign; fa
Ipit, butofi?
for war and a camp. And therefore, though I
hope we shall never have cause to hear such a
scripture preached in England, yet those that
serve in other countries, both have and shall
hear it thus applied (and that oft not without
need); viz. that though now to the clean, all
things are clean, yet still we must have a special
care of cleanliness and wholesomeness, even
for the things here spoken of; and if for such
things, how much more for rapes, thefts, mur¬
ders, blasphemies; things (as God knows) too
common in all our camps. Ne Dominus Deus
noster , qui ambulat in medio castrorum dere-
linquat nos; least the Lord our God, that
walketh in the midst of our tents, should for¬
sake us. And even in the time of the sweetest
peace, methinks I could also say, here at home,
that it is an irreverent thing for churches
ordained for prayer, and churchyards appointed
for burial, to be polluted and defiled as if they
were kennels and dunghills.
And I have thought sometime with myself,
that if I were but half so great an officer under
our most gracious Empress, who is indeed
worthy, and only worthy to be Trajan’s mis-
g 2
84
THE METAMORPHOSIS
tress, as Plinius Secundus was under that
Trajan, I would write for the mending of such
a loathsome fault in my neighbour town of
Bath (where many noble persons are oft an¬
noyed with it), as Pliny did for Amestris. Yet
why may I not by poetica licentia, and by an
honest and necessary figure (in this age) called
reprehensio , imagine myself for half an hour
to be Secundus; and suppose some other, that
perhaps at this hour is not far from Trajan’s
country, to be that worthiest Trajan? For
though in the English grammar, the feminine
gender is more worthy than the masculine, the
which rule I wish long may hold; yet least
There i» a Co- old Priscian should say I brake his head when
rSdaml^va- I never came near him, I will keep me in this
pulans; where ... ...
if one should my pleasant imitation within such an honest
say ignern
/,anc, Prisdan limitation, as shall be free from all just repre-
would cry, his 7 j r
broken. ere hension, and write instead of C. PL Secundus
Trajano. Imp . Salutem .
Hcec tibi Trajano , terraque marique remoto,
Scribit Misacmos , nulli pielate Secundus.
“ The City of Bath (my lord) being both
poor enough and proud enough, hath since
her Highness being there, wonderfully beautified
SIS
OF AJAX.
So
itself in fine houses for victualling and lodging,
but decays as fast in their ancient and honest
trades of merchandise and clothing: the fair
church her Highness gave order should be
re-edified, stands at a stay; and their common
sewer, which before stood in an ill place, stands
now in no place, for they have not any at all;
which for a town so plentifully served of water,
in a country so well provided of stone, in a
place resorted unto so greatly (being at two
times of the year, as it were, the pilgrimage of
health to all saints), methink seemeth an un¬
worthy and dishonourable thing; wherefore if
your lordship would authorize me, or some
wiser than me, to take a strict account of the
keep me be money, by her Majesty’s gracious grant gathered
sucbol and to gathered, which in the opinion of
1 all just nf many cannot be less than ten thousand pounds
IflM (though not to wrong them, I think they have
bestowed upon the point of ten thousand
pounds abating but one cipher), I would not
doubt, of a ruinate church to make a reverent
church, and of an unsavoury town a most
[Alai* sweet town.
V '
rfullybeaiiS “ This I do the rather write, because your
86 THE METAMORPHOSIS
lordship, and the rest of her Majesty’s most
honourable counsel, thought me once worthy
to be steward of that town, but that the wiser
counsel of the town thought it not meet, out of
a deeper reach; lest, being already their poor
neighbour, this increase might have made my
estate too great among them. For indeed the
fee belonging to it, and some other commodities
annexed, might have been worth to me, de claro
viis et modis, per annum CCCClxxx.d.
“ Moreover, I am to certify your lordship,
that the spring taken out of the hot bath into
the private, doth not annoy or prejudice the
virtue of the hot bath, as her Majesty hath
been lately informed: and it is not unneces¬
sary, for some honourable persons that come
thither, sometimes to have such a private bath.”
But now I pray you let us hearken to the
Scripture, for the bibler is not yet come to Tu
autem .
I find also in the second and third chapter
of Nehemias, which some call the second
book of Esdras, where he tells how nobody
but he and his ass went to survey the city,
Et ingressus sum ad portarn rallis nocte } et
OF AJAX.
87
antefont em draconis, et ad port am stercoris y et
considerabam murum Jerusalem dissipatum y et
port as ejus consumptas igni . And in the third
chapter, shewing who repaired all the ruins,
Et portam vallis cedificavit Hanum, et habita -
tores Zanoe, ipsi edificaverunt eam,et statuerunt
valvas ejus , et seras, et vectes, et mille cubitos
in muro usque ad portam sterquilinii . Et
portam sterquilinii cedificavit Melchias filius
Rhecab princeps , etc . And the gate of the
valley built Hanum and the inhabitants of
Zanoe; they built it, and they made the leaves
of the gate, and the locks, and the hinges, and
a thousand cubits in the wall, even to the dung
gate: and Melchias, son of Rhecab, being
Prince of Bethacharan, built the dung gate. There is a no¬
ble and learn-
I would have said, save-reverence the dung ed lady, dow-
ager to the
gate, but that Nehemias, who was a gentleman J^ J °£ n at
well brought up, and a courtier, and had been
a sew er and cup-bearer to Artaxerxes, w rites it ^nce.
as I have recited it.
But now to the purpose; perhaps you will
say, that this makes nothing to the present
argument, that the gate is called doungate; for
we have a gate in London called Dougate, that
88
THE METAMORPHOSIS
with a little dash with a pen will seem to be
the same gate, and yet hath no great affinity
with the matter: and on the other side, there is
a place with a glorious title of Queen Hithe,
and yet it was ordained for my lady Cloacina;
I grant it might be so, for so there is a parish
by London called Hornsey, w hich is an ungra¬
cious crooked name, and yet I verily persuade
me, that the most glorious or gracious street in
London, hath more horns in it sometime, either
visible or invisible, than all the other parish.
But concerning the gate in Jerusalem, called
Porta stercoris, I find it was so called, because
it lay on the east side of the city, toward the
brook Cedron, whither all the rain-water of the
city, and all other conveyances ran, as they do
out of the city of London into the Thames:
and that being so, and the city so populous,
the gate might well be called Porta stercoris.
Now, without the city, I find mentioned another
place ordained for the like purpose, to carry
out all such filth as the rain could not w ash
away, and had no common passage; and that
w as the valley of Hinnon, which seems by the
map to lie south-east and by south to the
*
emtok
at afe
le,tbi
Clm
is a pa
s an me,
yperw
'Usstmi!
time,®
her paiii
lem,cal
id,koe
towards
ateroli
astku
i Thai?
popik
jstm
ledaoi
6 , 10 ®
Inot^
; andtk
inis byi
tii to*
OF AJAX. 89
temple; and thither, I say, the scavengers car¬
ried their loading, as they do at London beyond
Golding Lane. And therefore in the New The Brick-
Testament it is called gelienna , and taken for
hell; and if you have a mind to know how I
come by this divinity, trust me if you will: I
come by it as true men come by their goods.
For so it is, that not long since there dwelt in
Bath a schoolmaster, a man whom I favoured
much, for his sake that sent him thither. But
he had not been there long, but a controversy
arose betwixt him and some preachers there¬
about, among whom we have too many that
study nothing but the controversies; and it came,
after many disputes on both sides, at last to
writing and publishing of books. And the
schoolmaster (though being no preacher) wrote
a book with this title, That Christ descended
not into hell; the very sight of which title
being flat contradictory to an article of the
Creed, I remember I said of the man, as Hay¬
wood saith in his proverbs, that hereafter,
He might be of my pater noster indeed ,
But sure he should never come in my creed.
And therefore I might repute him as a good
90 THE METAMORPHOSIS
humanist, but I should ever doubt him for a
good divine. Now, as I say, hearing in these
disputes and sermons, divers names of hell
throughly sifted; as Ades, Tartar os, Infernum,
Stagnum ardens , and last of all, Gehenna;
which last I was most used to, as having an
old verse when I was at Eton, of a peacock;
Angelus in penna, pede latro voce gehenna,
A bird that hath an angel's plume ,
A thievish pace, a hellish tune.
Consequently, I observed, that our honest and
learned preacher of Bath, M. R.M. first proved
hell to be a local place (if not circumscripture ,
yet at least definitive): then he shewed the
etymology of the word gehenna to be derived
in Greek of yn kcu iwov , that is, the earth or
valley of Hinnon; then he told, that this place
was as it were the common dunghill or mikson
of the whole town; that the Jews had used in
this valley to make their children pass through
the fire, as a sacrifice to the devil, according to
the psalm of David; They offered their sons
and daughters unto devils. Finally, that our
Saviour, to make a more fearful impression in
their hearts of the pains of hell indeed, which
OF AJAX.
bim£)
A? inf*
ieso ii
,Gh
i bavioj,
peacca
**>,
honesi
bp
Mi
bet
heearti;
ttto|fc
lor mb
iad usedi
sstte
:corfc
their»
v, liat«
iresstt*
ed,^
91
they knew not, used the name of this hellish
place, which they knew that had in it these
hateful hellish properties, smoke, stink, horrible
cries, and torment. But lest you should
think I speak as a parrot, nothing but what I
have heard another say, let me add somewhat
of mine own poor reading, and that shall be
this; that this valley of Hinnon was once for
the sweet air, fine groves, fair walks, and green
and pleasant fields, comparable with any place
about Jerusalem; but when the abominable
idol of Moloch was erected in it, whose por¬
traiture was like a king, having the head of a
calf, all of brass, and hollow within; unto
which (most inhumanly) they sacrificed human
flesh, yea their own children; and to the end
that the wicked parents might not feel remorse
of the woful cries of the wretched children,
they danced a strange medley about the fire,
having music suitable to such mirth, of drums
and Jew’s-harps (for I think hornpipes and bag¬
pipes were not then found out): I say, these
abominations being there committed, the good
Josias driven to use an extreme medicine to so
extreme a malady, first burned and brake all to
i
THE METAMORPHOSIS
92
pieces the horrible idol; and then, in detestation
of the abuses there committed, cut down the
fine groves, tore up the sweet pastures, defaced
the pleasant walks; and to the end that all
passengers should fly from it, that were wont
to frequent it, he caused all filthy carrion, dead
dogs and horses, all the filth of the streets, and
whatsoever hateful and ugly things could be
a reverend imagined, to be carried thither. And this, 0
me, that the Josias, was thy zealous reformation: but, alas!
Brownists
have written a how little do some that pretend thy name,
ma«on! to°this participate thy nature. They pull down Moloch,
pose!* 18 Pur* but set up Baal-peor and Beelzebub; their
lean devotion thinks the hill of the Lord is too
fat; their envious eye serves them, like Aretino’s
spectacles, to make all seem bigger than it
should be: they learn the Babylonian’s song
in the Psalms;
Down, down with it at any hand,
Make all things plain, let nothing stand.
They care neither for good letters nor good
lives; but only out of the spoils to get good
livings, our good lord bishops must be made
poor superintendants, that they might super¬
intend the goodly lordships of rich bishopricks;
etesti;
dowit
itki
we*
nioDjii
itre€ts,a
scoiiit
od fe
m
thy m
vnMoloc
bub; tk
Lordisti
;e Areto:
;er the;
Qiao's«
id.
i norf
)
the®*
git sop
ishopi
OF AJAX. 93
and then we that be simple fellows, must
believe that they offer us Josias’ reformation:
whereas indeed it savours not of that in any
thing but the ill savour; for as Josias defaced
a fair field, and made it spurcitiarum latrinam ,
so they would ruinate our cathedral churches,
and make them spelunca latronam , as my good
friend Hary-Osto, or mine Host Hary saith of
the pagan Rodomont, after his host had ended
his knavish tale.
He makes the church (oh, horrible abuse)
Serve him for his prophane ungodly use.
Wherefore let them call themselves what
they list; but if they learn no better lessons of
Josias, but to turn sweet fields to stinking
dunghills, they shall make no new Jaxes in
England by my consent; and I hope my device
shall serve to mend many that be now amiss
with an honester and easier reformation; and I
doubt not but the magistrate that hath charge
to see ne quid respub, detrimenti capiat , will
provide, least our receipts prove deceipts, our
auditors frauditors, and our reformation defor¬
mation, and so all run headlong to gehenna;
where the sport will be torment, the music
S
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Isawe C.3.24
Et eiit pro
ftiavi odores
foetor.
94
clamours, the prospect smoke, and the perfume
stink. Which two last, I mean smoke and
stink, I have verily persuaded me, are two of
those pains of hell, which they call pana sen -
sus: which pain St. Augustine affirms may
also torment aerial or spiritual bodies; as partly
appears in the story of Tobias, where a wicked
spirit was driven away with the smoke of a
broiled liver; and therefore I have endeavoured
in my poor buildings to avoid those two incon¬
veniences as much as I may. As for the two
other annoyances, that the old proverb joineth
to one of these, saying, there are three things
that make a man weary of his house; a smoking
chimney, a dropping eaves, and a brawling
woman, I would no less willingly avoid them.
But when storms come, I must, as my neigh¬
bours do, bear that with patience which I
cannot reform with choler, and learn of the
good Socrates, who when Xantippe had
crowned him with a chamber-pot he bare it off
single with his head and shoulders, and said to
such as laughed at him for it,
It never yet was deem'd a wonder ,
To see that rain should follow thunder .
M,
s
thepe{|
i smflbt
> are to.
iffflii
affirms i
es; aspp
lereasrit
smoke:;
endem
etwok
i forth
iverbjoffi
threefc
;; a smoiT
a \m
avoid is
i dijd^
:e fkili
tamofi
tippe k
mdsaid:
OF AJAX. 95
And to the intent you may see, that I am
not only groundedly studied in the reformation
of ajax, which I have chosen for the project
of this discourse, but that I am also superfi¬
cially seen in these three other matters of
shrewd importance to all good house-keepers;
I will not be dangerous of my cunning, but I
will venture my pen and my pains, if you will
lend but your eyes or your ears, though I per¬
haps shall have more fists about my ears than
mine own for it. First, therefore for the house,
I will teach you a verse for it, that I think M.
Tusser taught me, or else now I may teach it
his son.
To keep your house dry , you must always in summer ,
Give money to the mason , the tiler , and plumber .
For the shrewd wife, read the book of Taming
a Shrew, which hath made a number of us so
perfect, that now every one can rule a shrew in
our country, save he that hath her. But indeed
there are but two good rules. One is, let
them never have their wills; the other differs
but a letter, let them ever have their wills; the
first is the wiser, but the second is more in
request, and therefore I make choice of it.
96 THE METAMORPHOSIS
one taught an Lastly, for smoking chimneys, many reme- ,
to keep a ciiim- dies have been studied; but one excellent and
ney from smo-
king, and a P ri. infallible way is found out among some of the
vy from stink- _ #
ma4eyour°fire S reat architects of this age, namely to make no
Ind^toSthe ^ re * n them; and by the same rule they may
the S chimiei” have ver y sweet Jaxes too. But the best way
I have found, is out of Cardan partly, but as I
think mended by practice of some of my
neighbours of Bath; who make things like
mm
OF AJAX. 97
because they make of wood, is dangerous for
fire; but being made of thin copper plates, or
of old kettles, will be as light and without K
danger: but this is supererogation, and more
than I promised you. But now to come
home again, though home be never so homely,
the fourth annoyance, though it be left out of
the proverb, may compare with two of the
other three, which is a stinking privy; which
makes a man wish sometimes, save for an
ornament of the face (as Heywood saith), to
have no nose:
Most of our savours be more sour than sweet:
A nose then or no nose , which is most meet ?
And for the reformation of this, many I
doubt not have ere this beaten their brains,
and strained very hard, to have found out some
remedy; but yet still I find all my good friends
houses greatly annoyed with it.
But yet, ere I come to discover this exact
and exquisite form that I have promised, let
me add a word or two out of the good and
wholesome rules of physic, both for authorising
the homely words so oft used, as for proving
that the matter in their faculty is specially
H
98 THE METAMORPHOSIS
regarded; for divers that are otherwise very
dainty and curious, yet for their health sake,
will endure both to hear homely language, to
see sluttish sights, to taste dirty drugs, and to
shew secret sores, according to the Italian
proverb;
Al confessore, medico , et advocato,
Non deve tener cosa celato.
From your confessor , lawyer, and physician ,
Hide not your case on no condition .
No man therefore is either so ignorant or so
impudent, as either not to know, or not to con¬
fess, that the honourable science of physic
embaseth itself oft-times about the care of this
business: for whereto serveth, I pray you,
fiant clisteria,jiant pillules, jiant potiones,fiant
pessi. But fie on it, it makes me almost sick
to talk of them; sure I am, the house I treat
of, is as it were the centre to which they must
all fall, first or last; and many times, I think,
first were wholesomer of the two. But to
enforce my proofs, though shortly yet soundly,
I will not bring any peculiar prescripts out
of Galen and Hippocrates, lest you should
appose against them Asclepiades or Paracel-
OF AJAX.
99
sus; nor stand long to dilate of the empirical
physic, or the dogmatical and the methodical;
of all which, if I should say all I could, I fear
me not so much that physicians would take
me for a fool, as that- fools will take me for a
physician. I will therefore set down as it
were certain authentical rules, out of a general
council of physicians, and that sent by common
consent to a great king of England; against
which, if any doctor should except, he must
ipso facto be counted an heretic. This there¬
fore I find of my text in that book that
begins,
Anglorum regi, scribit schola tota salemi.
For when he hath been advised to make choice
of three physicians,
Hcec tria: mens Iceta, requies , moderata dieta.
Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Mer-
ryman. Then they admonish him of many
particulars for his health, for his food, for his
house, &c. Which if they might with good
manners write to a king, then I may without
incivility recite to a kinsman. #
Si vis incolumen, si vis te vivere sanum,
Curas tolle graves irasci crede profanum,
* H 2
100
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Parcc mcro, ccenato parum nee sit tibi vanum,
Surgere post epulas, somnurnfuge meridianum.
Nee mictum retine, nee comprime fort iter anum, etc.
The Salem school doth by these lines impart
Health to the British king, ami doth advise,
From cares thy head to free, from wrath thy heart;
Drink not much wine, sup light, and soon arise.
After thy meat, ’twixt meals keep wake thine eyes.
And when to nature’s needs provok'd thou art,
Do not forbear the sa7ne in any icise:
So shall thou live long time with little smai't.
Lo! what a special lesson for health they
teach, to take your opportunity so oft as it is
offered of going to those businesses. Then
soon after, to let you know how wholesome it is
to break wind, they tell four diseases that come
by forbearing it;
Quatuor ex vento veniunt in ventre retento.
Spasmus, hydrops, colica, vertigo, quatuor ista.
But most specially making for my purpose,
both for word and matter,
Aer sit mundus, habitabilis ac luminosus,
Infectus neque sit, nec olens,fcetore cloaca.
Which as a principal lesson, to be learned by
builders, I will set down in verse.
A builder that will follotv wise direction,
Must first ffh'esee before his house he makes,
That the air be clear, and free from all infection,
And not annoy'd with stench of any Jakes.
OF AJAX.
101
For indeed, let your house be never so well
apparelled, never so well plaistered and painted,
if she have a stinking breath I shall never like
of my lodging. Lastly, there be two other
verses, with which I will end these school
authorities.
Multiplicant mictum } ventrem dant mespila strictum.
Post pyra da potum, post pomum vade cacatum .
And thus I take it, I end this part of my dis¬
course with a well chosen verse to the purpose:
yet ere you go, take this with you in prose;
that many physicians do hold, that the plague,
the measles, the hemorrhoids, the small-pox,
and perhaps the great ones too, with the
Jistula in ano , and many of those inward dis¬
eases, are no way sooner gotten, than by the
savour of other excrements upon unwhole¬
some privies. Wherefore I will now draw to
the conclusion of this same tedious discourse,
for it is high time now to take away the board;
and I see you are almost full of our homely
fare, and perhaps you have been used to your
dainties of potatoes , of caveare , eringoes, plums
of Genoa; all which may well increase your
appetite to several evacuations: we will there-
102 THE METAMORPHOSIS OF AJAX.
fore now (according to the physic we learned
even now) rise and stretch our legs a little, and
anon I will put on my boots and go a piece of
the way with you, and discourse of the rest:
in the mean time myself will go perhaps to the
house we talk of, though manners would,
I offered you the French courtesy,
to go with me to the place
where a man might very
kindly finish this
discourse.
(***>
ileanw
t piece!
fcwt
apstoi
lull
ib e Form, attD tjoto it map lie reformed
THIRD SECTION;
THE
ce
Now therefore to come where we left last,
for I know you would fain have your instruc¬
tions ere you go home, as soon as I have
given my horse some breath up this hill, I will
ride along with you, so you will ride a sober
pace; for I love not to ride with these goose¬
chasing youths, that post still to their journeys
end, and when they come thither they cannot
remember what business they have there, but
that they had even as much in the place they
came from.
These inconveniences being so great, and
the greater because so general, if there be a
way with little cost, with much cleanliness,
with great felicity, and some pleasure to avoid
them, were it not rather a sin to conceal it,
iS
-—
104 THE METAMORPHOSIS
than a shame to utter it? Wherefore shame to
them that shame think; for I will confess
frankly to you, both how much I was troubled
with the annoyance, and what I have found
for the remedy. For when I have found
not only in mine own poor confused cottage,
but even in the goodliest and stateliest palaces
of this realm, notwithstanding all our provi¬
sions of vaults, of sluices, of grates, of pains of
poor folks in sweeping and scouring, yet still
this same whoreson saucy stink, though he
were commanded on pain of death not to come
within the gates, yet would spite of our noses,
even when we would gladliest have spared his
company, prease to the fair ladies chambers;
I began to conceive such a malice against all
the race of him, that I vowed to be at deadly
feud with them, till I had brought some of the
chiefest of them to utter confusion; and con¬
ferring some principles of philosophy I had
read, and some conveyances of architecture I
had seen, with some devices of others I had
heard, and some practises of mine own I had
paid tor, I found out at last this w 7 ay that is
after described, and a marvellous easy and
OF AJAX.
105
iamtt
m
troi
vefo®
?efd
lcotte(i
it pis
urp
Ipift
; ( yetii
it toe®
mm.
at dot
neofi
andw
by IW
itectf!
ersIU
wil W
: y tbatf
•asy a*
cheap way it is; and I dare speak it upon my The principles
. . . are these, Aer
credit, not without good experience, that though no « penetrat
it be neither far-fetched nor dear-bought, yet ra non P atitur
o 7 j vacuum.
it is good for ladies; and there be few houses
that may not have the benefit of it: for there
be few great and well contrived houses, but
have vaults and secret passages made under
ground to convey away both the ordure and
other noisome things, as also the rain-water
that falls into the courts; which being cleanly
in respect of the eye, yet because they must
of force have many vents, they are oft noisome
in regard of the smell; especially in houses of
office that stand high from the ground; the
tuns of them drawing up the air as a chimney
doth smoke: by which it comes to pass many
times (especially if the wind stand at the mouth
of the vaults), that what with fish water coming
from the kitchens, blood and garbage of fowls,
washing of dishes, and the excrements of
other houses joined together, and all these in
moist weather, stirred a little with some small
stream of rain water; for as the proverb is,
’Tis noted as the nature of a sink ,
Ever the more it is stirred, the more to stink .
106 THE METAMORPHOSIS
I say these, thus meeting together, make such
a quintessence of a stink, that if Paracelsus
were alive, his art could not devise to extract
a stronger. Now because the most unavoid-
able of all these things that keep such a stink¬
ing stir, or such a stink when they be stirred,
is urine and ordure, that which we all carry
about us (a good speculation to make us
remember what we are, and whither we must);
therefore, as I said before, many have devised
remedies for this in times past, some not many
years since, and I this last year; of all which,
I will make choice only of two beside mine
own to speak off; because men of good judg¬
ment have allowed them for good: but yet (as
the ape doth his young ones) I think mine the
properest of them all.
The first and the ancientest is, to make a
close vault in the ground, widest in the bottom,
and narrower upward; and to floor the same
with hot lime and tarns, or some such dry
paving as may keep out all water, and air also;
for if it be so close as no air can come in, it
doth as it were smother the savour, like to the
snuffers or extinguishers wherewith we put out
ale sod
araci
imai
lai
>e$ta
all or
males
wen;
re (let.
mote
aMi
?sidei
to
[mints
to male
lebott®
ties#
such i;
dairafco:
)meM
ikelotk
e puto^
OF AJAX. 107
a candle; and this stands with good reason,
that seeing it is his nature to make the worse
savour the more he is stirred, and nothing
makes him keep a more stinking stir than a
little wind and water: surely there can be little
or no annoyance of him in this kind of house,
where he shall lie so quietly. But against this
is to be objected, that if there be a little cranny
in the w r all as big as a straw, or if the ground
stand upon winter springs, or be subject as most
places under ground, are, to give with moist
weather, then at such times it must needs
offend.
Besides, in a prince’s house, where so
many mouths be fed, a close vault will fill
quickly; and that objection did my Lord of
Leicester make to Sir John Young, at his last
being at Bristow; who commended to my
Lord that fashion, and shewed him his own of
a worse fashion, and told him that at a friends
house of his at Peter-hill in London, there was
a very sweet privy of that making.
Another way is, either upon close or open
vaults, so to place the sieges or seats, as behind
them may rise tuns of chimneys, to draw all
108 THE METAMORPHOSIS
the ill airs upwards: of which kind I may be
bold to say, that our house of Lincoln’s Inn
putteth down all that have been made afore it,
and is indeed, both in reason and experience, a
means to avoid much of the annoyance that is
wont to come off them, and keepeth the place
all about much the sweeter. But yet, to speak
truly, this is hot safe from all infection or
annoyance while one is there, as my sense hath
told me; for
Sensns non fallitur in proprio objecto .
Or perhaps, by the strict words of the statute,
it ought to be so; and fhat but two parts may
be devised away, and a third must remain to
the heir; for I dare undertake, go thither when
you will, your next heir at the common house,
whatsoever charge he is at in the suit, I am sure
he may be made a savour, at least for the ter -
tiam partem above all reprises, if the fault be
not his own. And further, when the weather
is not calm, the wind is so unruly that it will
force the ill airs down the chimneys; and not
draw them up, as we see it doth in chimneys
where fire is made, force down the smoke,
notwithstanding that the very nature of fire
V 1
OF AJAX. 109
helpeth to enforce it upward; whereas these
moist vapours are apt (even of their own
nature) to spread abroad, and hang like a dew
about every thing. Wherefore, though I am
but a punie of Lincoln’s Inn, and the builder Puisne.
hereof was a bencher, yet I will under refor¬
mation, prefer my device afore his; either
because it is better, or else, out of the common
fault of young men in this age, that we think
our devices wiser than our elders. Yet with
this respective modesty, that because my device
is with water, where that cannot be had, or
where houses stand on* an exceeding hat, there
I will leave the work to his oversight; but
where any convenient current is, and no want
of water, there I would be surveyor: and so to
divide the regiment, that if for the dry land ser¬
vice he be general, for the water service I will
be admiral. Yet, by the way, I hope all the
inns of court w ill gratulate the present flourish- a true praise
r of Lincoln’s
ing estate of Lincoln’s Inn: not so much for Iuii -
furnishing the realm with most honourable,
upright, and well learned magistrates, great
sergeants, grave counsellors, towardly barris¬
ters, young gallants of worth and spirit sans
THE METAMORPHOSIS
M. Plat set
forth a book
of engines.
Ariost. Cant.
20 .
110
nombre; but also (that I may now deal with
my equals, and not with my ancients) with two
such rare engineers, me for this one device, and
Master Plat for very many. Or if envy will
not suffer them to give us due honour, let us
two, M. Plat, at least grace one another: and
I am the willinger to offer this kindness to you,
because I was advised by some to have recom¬
mended this device to your illustrations, which
I was very like to have done, save that we are
of no great acquaintance; and beside I have a
little ambitious humour of mine own to be
counted a deviser; though to clear me of pride,
you see my first practice is upon so base a
subject, as I hope nobody will envy me, or
seek to take it from me : as the sweet Zerbino
said to Marfysa, of the ugly Gabrina;
You have so sweet a piece to cany by you,
As you are sure that no man will envy you .
And after he had played a word or two with
them, he concluded,
Ben siate accopiati Io jurerei,
Se come essa e bella tu gagliardo sei.
No doubt you are a fitly matched pair,
If you as lusty be, as she is fair.
OF AJAX.
Ill
But when they had done breaking of jests
one on another, and that it came to breaking of
staves, the peerless Prince (for his oath sake)
was fain to take that most hateful hag into his
protection. And so I suppose, that some may
play in like sort upon me and my writing, and
say,
The writer and the matter well may meet,
Were he as eloquent as it is sweet .
But if they do, let them take heed that in one
place or other of this pamphlet they do not
pull themselves by the nose, as the proverb is.
But that you may see, M. Plat, I have studied
your book with some observation, if you would
teach me your secret of making artificial coal, some conjee-
fKof cfoli
. T r iiue, UIrtl
and multiplying barley (though 1 fear me both and cow <iung
the means will smell a little of kin to M. A jax), boththescmui-
" tiplications.
I assure you I would take it very kindly: and
we two might have a suit together for a mono¬
poly ; you of your coal as you mention in your
book, and I of M. reformed a jax : and if you
will trust me to draw the petitions, you shall
see I will get some of the precedents of the
starch and the vinegar, and make it carry as
good a shew of reason and good to the com-
112 THE METAMORPHOSIS
monwealth as theirs doth. As, first, for yours
I would frame these reasons; I would shew
the excellent commodity of iron-mills (for if
you speak against them your suit will be dasht
straight): I would prove how they reduce wild
and savage woods, to civil and fruitful pastures:
I would allege they are good for maintenance
of navigation, in respect that every ship, what
with his cast pieces, anchors, bolts, and nails,
hath half as many tons of iron as tiinber to it:
I would say, it is a commodity to the subject;
considering they sell it for twelve or fourteen
pound the ton, and when it came out of Spain
or Holland, it was sold but for eight pound.
The like also I would say for glass; and so
concluding, that the woods must needs be
spent upon these two (as doubtless they will
in a short time), then your device for artifi¬
cial coal, of how homely stuff soever you make
it, will be both regarded and rewarded. And
thus perhaps making some great man your
half, you may have an imposition of a tenth
or a fifth of every chaldron of your fuel. And
though it should poison all the town with the
ill savour (as the brewhouse by Whitehall doth
■JH
Ur
(M
eUi
icerj
ife
■to:
ft*
id Hi
inttot
snip
(oils
)fSpa
tpo«
iril
rid
tbetd
oraii
■ouri
m
ao #
aietf
n'illk
0
OF AJAX. 113
her Highness , own house and all Cannon-row),
yet what for necessity, and what for favour, it
should be suffered. And never fear that the
price of your coal will fall by cherishing of
woods; for now Sir Walter Mildmay is dead,
you shall have few men will busy themselves
about any of these public inconveniences; or The author
. . . . could have
if his honest successor would attempt it, he said honour-
able of both;
should, I fear me, have small hope to prevail, but he takes
11 honesty in this
in that which so honest a predecessor could
not.
Now, for my monopoly, I would ask but
this trifling suit, and 1 would make these goodly
pretences. First, because I have proved by
good authors, that m. a jax is lineally descended
of the ancient house of Stercutius , and to
have lived long under protection of Dea
Cloacina> * and to have been prayed for by so
many holy saints, I would procure (if the traf¬
fic were as open with Rome as it hath been),
that as his progenitor Stercutius was allowed
for a god, by one of the first Roman Pontifices
Maximiy so m. ajax might be allowed for a
saint by Pope Sisesinke, Sixtus quintus (1
would have said), or one of his successors
i
114
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Boccaccio
writes, that
S. Ciappelletto
was canonized.
If 1 had such
a grant, he
that were my
(heres ex hasse)
would be the
richest 'squire
in England.
(which if it be so easy a matter, as Boccaccio
and other Italian authors write, will not be very
chargeable); and then with some of the money
that you gain with the perfumed coal (if you
will lend it me, and I will mortgage my bull to
you when I have it, for payment), I will erect
in London and elsewhere, divers shrines to this
new saint; and all the fat offerings shall be
distributed to such poor hungry fellows as sue
for monopolies; which being joined to the ashes
of your coal, will be perhaps not uncom-
modious for land: and you and I will beg
nothing for our reward; but you, as I said afore,
a fifth part of every chaldron; and I, but the
sixth part of an assize a month, of all that
will not be recusants, to do their daily service
at these holy shrines. Now, if any do object
it is too great a suit (for I think it would be
the richest office in England), and say that it
would amount to more than Peter pence, and
Poll pence too; I would first, to stop their
mouths quickly, promise them a good share in
it; then I would amplify the service, that in
this devise do in some respects to the state of
Christianity, in a matter that St. Peter nor
OF AJAX.
115
Paul neither never thought of. For it is a
common obloquy, that the Turks (who still
keep the order of Deuteronomy for their
ordure) do object to Christians, that they are
poisoned with their own dung; which objection
cannot be answered (be it spoken with due
reverence to the two most excellent apostles)
with any sentence in both their epistles so fully
to satisfy the miscreant wretches, as the plain
demonstration and practise of my device must
needs answer them.
What think you, M. Plat? is not here a good
plat laid, that you and I may be made by for
ever? only, I fear one let, and that is this: I
hear by report there is a worthy gentleman,
sometime of our house, that hath now the
keeping of the great seal, and these suits can- i protest mi-
not pass but by his privity; and they say (see J^fne^s^
our ill hap) he hath ever been a great enemy
to all these paltry concealments and mono-
polies; and further, they say of him, that to ^f/to be
beguile him with goodly shews is very difficult, llatteied
but to corrupt him with gifts is impossible:
well, if it be so, all our fat is in the fire, and
let the lean go after. You may make a great
J 1 6 THE METAMORPHOSIS
fire of your gains, and be never the warmer;
and may throw all mine into A jax, and be
never the poorer. Let us then make a virtue
of necessity; and sith we cannot get these
monopolies, let us say we care not for them,
and a vengeance on them that beg them; and
so we may have millions say Amen to us, and we
shall be thought the hgnester men; and seeing
I have had so ill luck in this, I would nobody
might ever have any more of them, till I make
such another suit. And if M. Plat will follow
my advice, he shall impart his rare devices
gratis, as I do this; and so we may one day be
A worthy mat- put into the Chronicles, as good members of
into a chrom- our country: more worthily than the great bear
cle, and fit for *' -
such worthy carried eight dogs on him, when Monsieur
historiogra- °
phers - W as here.
But to leave M. Plat’s coal, which kindled
this fantasy in me, and to turn to my teshe;
though I called myself by metaphor an admiral
for the water-works, yet I assure you this
device of mine requires not a sea of water,
but a cistern; not a whole Thames full, but
half a tun full, to keep all sweet and savoury:
for I will undertake, from the peasants cottage
5
=s
rr
Wl;
111 It
An
Mb
[fa,
m: an:
,ife
im
M
limit
ft
te
leW
mbers«
pte
Sloob
hi*
ny tesk;
oat
you it
)[#
fol>
savomy
SCOtQ?
OF AJAX. 117
to the princes pallace, twice so much quantity
of water as is spent in drink in the house will
serve the turn : which if it were at Shaftsbury,
where water is dearest of any town, I know
that is no great portion. And the device is so
little cumbersome, as it is rather a pleasure
than a pain; a matter so slight, that it will
seem at the first incredible; so sure, that you
shall find it at all times infallible: for it doth
avoid at once all the annoyances that can be
imagined; the sight, the savour, the cold: which
last, to weak bodies, is oft more hurtful than
both the other, where the houses stand over
brooks or vaults daily cleansed with water.
And not to hold you too long in suspense, the
device is this: You shall make a false bottom
to that privy that you are annoyed with, either
of lead, or stone; the which bottom shall have
a sluice of brass to let out all the filth; which
if it be close plastered all about it, and rinsed
with water as oft as occasion serves, but espe¬
cially at noon and at night, will keep your
privy as sweet as your parlour; and perhaps
sweeter too, if Quail and Quando be not kept
out. But my servant Thomas (whose pencil
118 THE METAMORPHOSIS
can perform more in this matter than my .pen)
will set down the form of this by itself in the
end hereof, that you may impart it to such
friends of yours as you shall think worthy of it,
though you put them not to so great penance,
as to read this whole discourse.
And that I may now also end your penance,
that have taken all this pains to read this, that
for your pleasure you would needs persuade
me to write, I will not end abruptly here, but
as friends that are upon parting in a journey,
choose a cleanly place in the high-way to take
their leaves one of another, and not in the dirt
and mire: so I, ere we part, will first for
the enobling of this rare invention, tell you
somewhat of the place, of the company, of
the means, and of the circumstances, that first
put so necessary a conceit in my head. For I
remember I have read that Archimedes, the
excellent engineer (a man in his time fully as
famous at Syracusa, as our M. Plat is here in
England), was said to have disgraced himself
by an intemperate, or rather intempestive joy
that he took of a very worthy and memorable
invention of his. The story is thus: Archi-
OF AJAX.
119
medes having long beaten his brains to find
some way by art how to discover what quantity
of counterfeit mixture was put into a crown
of massy gold, not dissolving the metals, and
finding no means in long study, at last washing
himself naked in a bathing-tub, he observed
still that the deeper he sunk, the higher the
water rose; and forthwith he conceived (which
after he performed indeed), that by such a
means the true quantity of each metal might
be found, and the fraud discovered: with joy
whereof he was so ravished, that stark naked
as he was, he ran out into the streets, crying,
Evpinca, tvprjKa ; I have found it, I have found it.
At which, for the time, all the people were
amazed and thought him mad, till his invention
after proved him, not only sober, but also
subtle.
What, if some pleasant conceited fellow
should give out, by way of supposition, that
possibly the deviser of this rare conveyance,
was at the time of devising thereof, sitting on
some such place, as the godly father sat on at
his devout prayers, or the godless king sat on at
his devilish practices? as put the case on the
120
THE METAMORPHOSIS
stately stinking privy in the Inner Temple
(where many grave apprentices of the law put
their long debated cases to homely uses), and
that with joy of so excellent invention, he ran
out with his hose about his heels, and cried,
£vprjKa, avptjKa: so might I be likened to Archi¬
medes, and there be some perhaps would be
so very fools to believe it. But lest that any
idle-headed fellow should devise, or any shallow¬
brained people believe such a tale, I do before¬
hand give the word of disgrace to any that
shall so say; and will make it good on their
persons with all weapons from the pin to the
pike, that whether it were by my good guiding,
or my good fortune, in the invention hereof, nor
in the execution, I never received such a dis¬
grace as that of Archimedes. For I assure
you, the device was both first thought of, and
discoursed of, with as bmad terms as any
belongs to it, in presence of six persons, who
were (all save one) interlocutors in the dialogue;
of which, I was so much the meanest, that
the other five, for beauty, for birth, for value, for
wit, and for wealth, are not in many places of
the realm to be matched. Neither was the place
OF AJAX.
121
inferior to the persons; being a castle, that I call
the wonder of the west; so seated without, as
England in few places affords more pleasures;
so furnished within, as China nor the West
Indies scarce allows more plenty. Briefly, at
the very coming in you would think you were
come to the Eldorado in Guiana: and by this
I hope both the invention and execution hereof
may be sufficiently freed from baseness.
Yet there remains one easy objection against
the merit of my good service herein; I mean
easy to make, but it will not seem so easy to
answer; and that is, that some may say, this
may fortune to do well in many places, but yet
there is no depth in the invention: for it is
nothing but to keep down the air with a stopple,
and let out the filth with a screw; which some
will mislike, and will not endure to have such a
business every time they come to that house:
to which I answer, that for depth in the inven¬
tion, I affect it not (for I would not have it in
all above two foot deep). And though the
proverb is, the deeper the sweeter, that is to be
intended in some sweeter matters; for the
deeper you wade in this, you shall find it the
122 THE METAMORPHOSIS
sourer. And if it seem too busy, he that hath so
great haste of his business, may take it as he
finds it; which cannot be very ill at any time.
But the old saying was, Look ere you leap;
and the old custom was, that if a man had no
light to look, yet he would feel, to seek that
he would not find, for fear lest they should
find that they did not seek. Further, the pains
being so little as it is, I should think him a
sloven that would not by himself or his man
leave it as cleanly as he found it; especially
considering, that in Deuteronomy you are told,
God misliketh sluttishness: and every cat gives
us an example (as housewives tell us) to cover
all our filthiness: and if you will not disdain
to use that which cometh from the musk cat, to
make yourself, your gloves, and your clothes,
the more sweet, refuse not to follow the exam¬
ple of the cat of the house, to make your
entries, your stairs, your chambers, and your
whole house the less sour. Indeed, for the
device, I grant it is as plain as Dunstable high¬
way, and perhaps it will be as common too;
but neither of them shall be any disgrace to it.
For I heard an Italian tell, that in Venice after
OF AJAX.
I £3
they had had the great loss by fire in Maximi¬
lian’s time, when their arsenal was burnt with
gunpowder, they had long consultation how
to keep their store powder from danger of
fire, for fear of like mischances; at last a
plain fellow (like myself) came and told that
he had devised a way, and prayed to have
audience.
Then he told them a long tale, but all to
this short purpose; that gunpowder was made
of three simples, viz. saltpetre, brimstone, and
coal: but each of these several, would be easy
kept from fire, and be quenched if they were
kindled; but being compound, it blew up all
in a moment, if the least spark did but meet
with it: then he shewed that the causes could
not be so sudden of using powder, but that
the simples being ready, it might soon be made:
lastly, that saltpetre did grow, rather than
waste, with lying; whereas, being made into
powder, it doth consume, &c. All which,
though every man there knew before, yet
because they had not offered to put it in prac¬
tice, they gave him a reward for his device,
and followed therein his advice; placing these
124 the metamorphosis
simples in several houses, which are so dan¬
gerous when they are compounded; and since
that time they have been more annoyed with
water than with fire. Wherefore, I assure me,
the magnifico’s of Venice would allow of the
device, and I had some idle money, I might
hap to be so idly disposed, to put out more than
I will speak of upon this return, when one of
The Magnifi the sons and daughters of St. Mark had put
co’s of Veniie ... . > 11 , L ,
are called Fq- my device in execution; especially it that
livoli di S. J . .
Marco. Molto Magnificentissimo were yet alive, that
when his wife was sick, and the physician was
to see her water, he knew not how to bid her
make water, in words seemly for his high state
and her fine ears, that had never heard so foul
a word as that in her life, till his man took on
him the matter, and found a phrase by circum¬
locution to signify pissing, and never once to
name it, in this sort; Cara signora vi prego
fare quello che fate dinanzi al cacare. But
see, see, I would fain have bid you farewell;
and now we are again in our dirty common
place, we will go with you yet a quoits cast
further, and then upon the next green we will
bid farewell, and turn tail as they say: where-
*
OF AJAX. 125
fore, now I will make you only a brief repe¬
tition of that I have said. You see, first, how
I have justified the homely words and phrases
with authorities above all exception; I have
proved the care ever had of the matter, with
examples above all comparison: lastly, I have
expressed to you a cleanly form of it, above all
expectation. Neither do I praise it, as merchants
do their wares, to rid their hands of them; for
I promise you, how high soever I praise it, I
mean not to part with it: for were I to praise
it upon mine oath as we do household stuff in
an inventory, I would praise it in my house,
to be worth a hundred pounds; in yours, three
hundred pounds; in Wollerton, five hundred
pounds; in Tibals, Burley, and Holmbie, a Theobalds.
r # Burleigh.
thousand pounds; in Greenwich, Richmond, Hoimby.
and Hampton-court, ten thousand pounds.
And by my good sooth, so I would think
myself well paid for it: not that I am so base-
minded to think that wit and art can be rated
at any price, but that I would accept it as a
gratuity fit for such houses and their owners.
For I tell you, though I will not take it upon
me that I am in dialecticorum dumetis doctus,
126 THE METAMORPHOSIS
or in rhetoricorum pompa potens, or cotteris
scientiis saginatus, as doth our Pedantius of
Cambridge; yet I take it, that in this invention
I shall shew a great practice upon the gram¬
mar, and upon this point I will challenge all
the grammarians; viz. I say, and I will make it
good, that by my rare device I shall make Ster -
cutius a noun adjective. Now I know you
will set your son William to answer me; and
he shall say, no, no, and come upon me with
his grammar rule, ut sunt divorum, Mars ,
Bacchus, Apollo, virorum , etc. and hereby con¬
clude, that he is both a substantive, and that a
substantial one too, and a masculine.
But all this will not serve, for I have learned
the grammar too; and therefore,
Come grammar rules , come now your •power shew ,
as saitli the noble Astrophell. First, there¬
fore I say, his no, no, is an affirmative;
For in one speech two negatives affirm.
Secondly, tell me pretty Will, what is a noun
substantive? That that may be seen, felt, heard,
or understood. Very well; now I will join
issue with you on this point, where shall we try
it? Not in Cambridge, you will say; for I think
m
OF AJAX. 127
they will be partial oil my side. Well then, in
Oxford be it, and no better judge than M.
Poeta, who was chief captain of all the nouns
in that excellent comedy of Bellum gramati-
cale . For, without all peradventure, when he
shall hear that one of his band and so near
about him, is brought to that state, that he is
neither to be seen, smelt, heard, nor understood,
he will swear gogs nouns, he will thrust him
out of his selected band of the most substan¬
tial substantives, and sort him with the rascal
rabblement of the most abject adjectives. But
now, sir, that I have brought you to so fair a
town as Oxford, and so sweet a companion as
your son William, I will leave you to him that
made you.
Now (gentle reader) you have taken much
pain, and perhaps some pleasure, in reading
our Metamorphosis of a j ax, and you supposed
by this time to have done with me: but now,
with your favour, I have not done with you.
For I found by your countenance, in the reading
and hearing hereof, that your conceit oft-times
had censured me hardly, and that somewhat
diversely; and namely, in these three kinds:
This comedy
was played at
her Majesty's
last being at
Oxford.
The epilogue,
or conclusion.
128 THE METAMORPHOSIS
Three reproofs First, you thought me fantastical; secondly,
phiet. P you blamed my scurrility; and, thirdly, you
found me satirical: to which three reproofs,
being neither causeless nor unjust, do me but
the justice to hear my three answers.
Answer to the I must needs acknowledge it fantastical for
first objection , T , t
of fantastical- me, whom 1 suppose you deem (by many cir-
ness.
cumstances) not to be of the basest, either
birth or breeding, to have chosen, or of another
mans choice to have taken so strange a subject.
But though I confess thus much, yet I would
not have you lay it to my charge; for if you so
do, I shall straight retort all the blame, or the
greatest part of it, upon yourself: and namely,
I would but ask you this question, and even
truly between God and your conscience, do
but answer it. If I had entitled the book, A
Sermon shewing a sovereign salve for the sores
of the soul; or A wholesome Haven of Health
to harbour the heart in; or A marvellous
medicine for the maladies of the mind , would
you ever have asked after such a book ? would
these grave and sober titles have won you to
the view of three or four tittles ? much less three
or four score periods. But when you heard
r"
OF AJAX. 129
there was one that had written of a jax,
straight you had a great mind to see what
strange discourse it would prove; you made
inquiry who wrote it, where it might be had,
when it would come forth. You prayed your
friend to buy it, beg it, borrow it, that you
might see what good stuff was in it. And
why had you such a mind to it? I can tell you.
You hoped for some merriments, some toys,
some scurrility; or, to speak plain English,
some knavery: and if you did so, I hope now
your expectation is not altogether frustrate.
Yet, give me leave briefly to shew you what
petty pills you have swallowed in your pleasant
quadlings, and what wholesome wormwood
was inclosed in these raisins of the sun.
Against malcontents, epicures, atheists, here- a brief sum of
. . . the true intent
tics, and careless and dissolute Christians, and of the book *
especially against pride and sensuality, the
prologue and the first part are chiefly intended.
The second gives a due praise, without flattery,
to one that is worthy of it; and a just check,
without gall, to some that deserve it. The
third part, as it teacheth indeed a reformation
of the matter in question, so it toucheth in
130
THE METAMORPHOSIS
Answer to the
second objec¬
tion of scurii-
lity.
This cannot be
denied.
sport, a reprehension of some practises too
much in custom: all which the reader, that is
honourable, wise, virtuous, and a true lover of
his country, must needs take in good part.
Now, gentle reader, if you will still say this is
fantastical, then I will say again, you would not
have read it except it had been fantastical; and
if you will confess the one, sure I will never
deny the other.
The second fault you object, is scurrility; to
which I answer, that I confess the objection,
but I deny the fault; and if I might know
whether he were Papist or Protestant that
maketh this objection, I would soon answer
them, namely, thus; I would cite a principal
writer on either side, and I would prove that
either of them hath used more obscene, foul,
and scurrilous phrases (not in defence of their
matter, but in defacing of their adversary) in
one leaf of their books, than is in all this.
Yet they profess to write of the highest, the
holiest, the weightiest matters that can be ima¬
gined ; that I write of the basest, the barrenest,
and most witless subject that may be described.
Quod decuit tantos cur mihi turpe puiem?
OF AJAX.
131
I forbear to shew examples of it, lest I should
be thought to disgrace men of holy and worthy
memory.
For such as shall find fault that it is too Answer to the
third objccti-
satirical, surely, I suppose their judgment shall ©n,
sooner be condemned by the wiser sort, than
my writings. For when all the learned writers, time#
godly preachers, and honest livers over all
England (yea, over all Europe), renew that old
complaint, Regnare nequitiam et in deterius Seneca.
res humanas labi.
When we hear them say daily, that there
was never under so gracious a head, so grace¬
less members; after so sincere teaching, so
sinful living; in so shining light, such works of
darkness: when they cry out upon us, yea, cry
indeed, for I have seen them speak it with
tears, that lust and hatred were never so hot,
love and charity were never so cold; that there
was never less devotion, never more division;
that all impiety hath all impunity; finally, that
the places that were wont to be the samples
of all virtue and honour, are now become the
sinks of all sin and shame. These phrases (I
say) being written and recorded, sounded and
132
THE METAMORPHOSIS
resounded in so many books and sermons, in
Cambridge, in Oxford, in the court, in the
country, at Paul’s Cross, in Paul’s Church¬
yard ; may not I, as a sorry writer among the
rest, in a merry matter, and in a harmless
manner, professing purposely, Of vaults and
Allusion to the privies, sinks and draughts, to write , prove ac-
former words. J # °
cording to my poor strength, to draw the
readers by some pretty draught, to sink into a
deep and necessary consideration, how to
amend some of their privy faults? Believe it
(worthy readers, for I write not to the unworthy),
ajax, when he is at his worst, yields not a
more offensive savour to the finest nostrils,
than some of the faults I have noted do to
God and the world. Be not offended with me
for saying it, more than I am with some of you
for seeing it. But this I say, if we would
amend our privy faults first, we should after¬
ward much the better reform the open offences,
according to the old proverb, Every man mend
one, and all would he amended . Trust me, they
do wrong me, that count me satirical: alas! I
do but (as the phrase is) pull a hair from their
beards whose heads perhaps by the old law s
OF AJAX.
133
ancl canons should be shorn. If you will say
there is salt in it, I will acknowledge it; but if
you will suspect there is gall in it, I renounce
it: I name not many, and in those I do name, I
swerve not far from the rule.
Play with me 7 and hurt me not: A fit role to be
Jest with me , and shame me not . breeds all mis-
For some that may seem secretly touched, and broken; espe-
eially by ho-
be not openly named, if they will say nothing, n ™ g rable per *
I will say nothing. But, as my good friend
M. Davies said of his epigrams, that they were
made like doublets in Birchin-lane, for every
one whom they will serve: so if any man find
in these my lines any raiment that suits him so
fit, as if it were made for him, let him wear it
and spare not: and for my part, I would he
could wear it out. But if he will be angry at
it, then (as the old saying is) I beshrew his
angry heart; and I would warn him thus much
(as his poor friend), that the workman that
could with a glance only, and a light view of
his person, make a garment so fit for him, if
the same workman come and take a precise
measure of him, may make him another gar¬
ment of the same stuff (for there need go but
134
THE METAMORPHOSIS
a pair of shears between them), that in what
shire soever he dwelleth, he may be known by
such a coat as long as he liveth. Well, to
conclude, let both the writer and the readers
endeavour to mend ourselves, and so we shall
the easier amend others; and then I shall think
my labour well bestowed in writing, and you
shall think yours not altogether lost in reading.
And with this honest exhortation I would make
an end; imitating herein the wisest lawyers,
who, when they have before the simplest jurors,
long disputed their cases to little purpose, are
ever most earnest and eager at the parting, to
beat into the jury’s head some special point or
other, for the behoof of their client. For, so
would I, howsoever you do with the rest of the
matter. I would, I say, fain beat still into your
memory this necessary admonition (which my
Misacmos. new taken name admonisheth me of); to cleanse,
amend, and wipe away all filthiness. To the
which purpose, I could methink allegorize this
homely subject that I have so dilated, and make
almost as good a sermon as the friar did before
Thatistosay, the Pope; saying nothing but Matto San
what a fool r . ® &
was st. Peter. Pietro three times, and so came down from
OF AJAX.
r lA?
135
the pulpit again; and being afterward examined,
what he meant to make a sermon of three
words, but three times repeated before the
triple crowned prelate and so many cardinals,
he told them they might find a good sermon
in Mat to San Pietro; as namely, if heaven
might be gotten, notwithstanding all the pride,
pleasures, and pomp of the world, with ease,
sensuality, and epicurism, then what a fool was
St. Peter to live so strict, so poor, so painful
a life? With which it is possible his auditory
was more edified, or at least more terrified,
than they would have been at a longer sermon:
but I will neither end with sermon nor prayer,
lest some wags liken me to my L. ( )
players, who when they have ended a bawdy
comedy, as though that were a preparative to
devotion, kneel down solemnly, and pray all
the company to pray with them for their good
Lord and master. Yet I will end with this
good counsel, not unsuiting to the text I have
thus long talked of;
To keep your houses sweet , cleanse privy vaults:
To keep your souls as sweet , mend privy faults .
FINIS.
■
l
AN
ANATOMY
OF THE
METAMORPHO SED AJAX.
WHEREIN BY A
tripartite $9etfjou, tgf plainly, openly, anti Benton*
Sttatifcely BeclareB, erplaineB, anti eliquioaten,
fiy Pen, plot, anti precept, fioto unsavoury
Places map fie matie sfoeet, noisome
Places matie toljolesome, filtljy
places mane cleanly*
PUBLISHED FOR
THE COMMON BENEFIT OF BUILDERS, HOUSEKEEPERS,
AND HOUSE-OWNERS.
BY T. C.
TRAVELLER, APPRENTICE IN POETRY, PRACTISER IN MUSIC,
PROFESSOR OF PAINTING;
THE MOTHER, DAUGHTER , AND HANDMAID OF ALL MUSES,
ARTS, AND SCIENCES.
Invide quid mordes? Pictoribus atque Poetis,
Quidlibet audeudi semper fuit aequa potestas.
St ILontion i
IMPRINTED BY RICHARD FIELD,
DWELLING IN THE BLACKFRIARS.
1596 ,
7 J
TO M. E. S. ESQUIRE.
SIR,
My master having expressly commanded me
to finish a strange discourse that he had
written to you, called the Metamorpho-sis of
ajax , by setting certain pictures thereto; there
came unto my mind a tale I had heard, per¬
haps more merry than mannerly, how a plain
or rather pleasant serving-man, waiting on
his master at the Pope’s court, happened to be
present one day when the gentleman, after
long attendance and great means, had obtained
the favour to kiss his Holiness’ foot. The
man seeing what his master did, first stole out
of the chamber, and then ran out of the house,
4
AN ANATOMY.
hiding himself for a pretty space: the gentle-
man hearing of it, pitied his mans simplicitij
(who perhaps was crafty knave enough for all
that), and asked why he went away ? Alas!
sir, said he, when I saw that a man of your
worth and worship, in so public a place, might
kiss but his toe, I doubted they would have
made me have kissed him in some homelier
place; and so I might have been shamed for
ever .
If that serving-man had cause to run out of
the house, methinks I may seem to have more
reason to run out of my zvits, to have so strange
a task appointed me: for when the very face
and head, or title of the book, seemed so foul
and unsavoury, what might I think the feet
or tail thereof were like to proved Wherefore,
I would gladly have shunned so base an office;
but having my masters example, joined to his
commandment, I took heart to me: and first, I
read over the discourse, to see what was pro¬
mised therein on my behalf ( viz. certain pic¬
tures). But I assure you, in the reading of
it, whether it were the well-handling of the
5
AN ANATOMY.
matter, or my partial opinion (a fault that I
am seldom charged withal), my mind was
altered; and I compared the homely title of
it unto an ill-favoured vizor, such as I have or to a toad,
seen in stage plays , when they dance Macha - made in sugar,
. J . that looks un-
chinas, which covers as sweet a face sometimes «ghtiy, but
J tastes sweetly.
as any is in the company . And even presently
therewithal, as if I had been inspired with the
spirit of ajax, methought 1 durst have adven¬
tured with my pen and pencil upon any thing .
For as the saying is,
Painters and poets, claim by old enrolment ,
A charter, to dare all , without controlment .
Wherefore, by the privilege of this charter
(as also by a patent I have of serving two
apprenticeships), I will go somewhat beyond
the bare words of my commission, and yet not
swerve much from the charge that is laid upon
me. For, sir, I would you knew it, though I
never troubled the schools at Oxford with any
disputes or degrees, yet I carried there a good
scholars books after him; and I trust I got
some quaint phrases among them; as namely,
instead of praying the cobler to set two patches
6 AN ANATOMY.
on my shoes, I could have said, Set me two
semicircles upon my suppeditals: with much
other eloquence beyond the common intelligence .
And yet, notwithstanding all these great vaunts,
I will not take upon me, that I am able to say
so much of the Metamorpho-sis, the etymology,
and the reformation of Don A JAX house, as my
master hath said; or to defend the words, illus¬
trate the matter, and dilate of the form, as he
hath done; for who can stand against such an
army of emperors, kings, magistrates, prophets,
poets, all-hallows, and all prophanes, even from
the Bible to the Bable, as are by him brought
for enobling of his arguments? Yet for ana¬
tomizing as it were of the shape and body
thereof, because he hath handled that point
m. piat in his (in M, Plat’s opinion) somewhat too briefly
book against 7 7 • r 7
famine,foi.ui- for common understandings, 1 must here a
timo penulti- J 0
mo * little better open it: for, as the old saying is
(bonum quo communius eo melius), and the
old verse is,
Scire tuurn nihil est, nisi te scrire hoc sciut alter.
Goodness is best, when it is common shown :
Knowledge were vain, if knowledge were not known -
AN ANATOMY. 7
Wherefore note, seriously and in good sadness , if that which
7 „ _ ° . _ . follows offend
to instruct you and all gentlemen of worship , the reader, he
^ J r may turn over
how to reform all unsavoury places of your a ,eaf or two >
** ^ J J J or but smell to
houses, whether they be caused by privies or
sinks, or such like (for the annoyance coming ^“^ e e v ^ r v ^ r
all of like causes, the remedies need not be fend hl,n *
much unlike), this shall you do.
“ In the privy that annoys you , first cause a This cistern in
. . the first plot is
cistern, containing a barrel or upward, to be
placed either behind the seat, or in any place in
either in the room or above it, from whence the jjjji, in
water may, by a small pipe of lead of an inch,
be conveyed under the seat in the hinder part ought tofowlt
thereof (but quite out of sight); to which
pipe you must have a cock or a washer, to yield
water with some pretty strength when you
would let it in.
“ Next make a vessel of an oval form, as This vessel is
^ ^ expressed in
broad at the bottom as at the top : two feet the f,rst P lot
1 J H, M, N; in
deep, one foot broad, sixteen inches long; place ^ e8ec °n dH »
this very close to your seat, like the pot of a
close-stool; let the oval incline to the right hand.
“ This vessel may be brick, stone, or lead; The current is
but whatsoever it is, it should have a current 0 / the second plot
7-7 J K *
three inches to the back part of it (where a
8
AN ANATOMY.
In the second
plot I, L.
sluice of brass must stand); the bottom and
sides all smooth, and drest with pitch, rosin,
A special note. and wax; which will keep it from tainting with
the urine.
“ In the lowest part of this vessel, which will
be on the right hand, you must fasten the sluice
or washer of brass, with solder or cement; the
concavity or hollow thereof, must be two inches
and a half.
in the first plot “ To the washers stopple must be a stem of
G,F; in these- . / 1 J
cond f and i. iron, as big as a curtain rod; strong, and even,
and perpendicular, with a strong screw at the
top of it; to which you must have a hollow
key with a worm ft to that screw.
“ This screw must, when the sluice is down,
appear through m the plank not above a straws
breadth on the right hand; and being duly
placed, it will stand about three or four inches
wide of the midst of the back of your seat.
This shows in u Item, That children and busy folk disorder
the first plot t J J
*con^G- he ^ not > or °P en ^ ie S ^ ce putting in their
hacksldeof 110 ^ ian ^ s without a key, you should have a little
button or scallop shell, to bind it down with a
vice pin, so as without the key it will not be
opened.
In the first plot
between G, I.
I
I
)
1 \
",
(t
k
ft •
i ■
*
k j
■ J
ro *
*
b
AN ANATOMY. ()
“ These things thus placed, all about your
vessel and elsewhere , must be passing close plas¬
tered with good lime and hair, that no air come Else an is vain.
up from the vault, but only at your sluice, which
stands close stopped; and ever it must be left,
after it is voided, half a foot deep in clean
water.
“ If water be plenty, the oftener it is used
and opened, the sweeter; but if it be scant,
once a day is enough,for a need, though twenty
persons should use it.
“If the water will not run to your cistern,
you may with a force of twenty shillings, and These forces,
a pipe of eighteen pence the yard, force it great washer,
from the lowest part of your house to the at the queen’s
7 . , J J braziers in
highest . Lothbury, at
* the boai V
“ But now on the other side behold the Ana- head *
tomy.”
>ir
t
a
L
10
A PLAIN PLOT OF
This is Don AJAX house of the new fashion, all in sunder;
that a workman may see what he hath to do.
A PRIVY IN PERFECTION. 11
Here are the parts set down , with a rate of the
prices; that a builder may guess what he hath
to pay .
s. a.
A the cistern; stone or brick. Price. . 6 8
by d, e the pipe that comes from the cis¬
tern, with a stopple to the washer ... 36
c a waste pipe.1 o
/, g the stem of the great stopple, with
a key to it. 1 6
h the form of the upper brim of the
vessel or stool-pot.
m the stool-pot, of stone. 8 0
n the great brass sluice, to which is three
inches current to send it down a gallop
into the Jax.10 0
And lest you should mislike with this phrase, 1
had it in a verse of a grave author, that was wont
to walk up and down the court with a forest bill;
I have forgot how it began (like a beast as he
was), but it ended in rhyme:
O that I were at Oxcnford, to eat some Banbury cakes .
i the seat, with a peak devant for elbow-room.
The whole charge thirty shillings and eight
pence: yet a mason of my masters was offered
thirty pounds for the like. Memorandum.
The scale is about half an inch to a foot.
1
i
12 A PLAIN PLOT OF
Here is the same, all put together; that the work¬
man may see if it be well .
<
1
I
%
13
A PRIVY IN PERFECTION.
A the cistern.
b the little washer.
c the waste pipe.
D the seat board.
e the pipe that comes from the cistern.
f the screw.
g the scallop shell, to cover it when it is shut
down.
H the stool pot.
i the stopple.
k the current.
I the sluice.
m, N the vault into which it falls: always remem¬
ber that ( ) at noon and at night empty it,
and leave it half a foot deep in fair water.
And this being well done, and orderly kept,
your worst privy may be as sweet as your best
chamber.
But to conclude all this in a few words, it is
but a standing close-stool easily emptied. And
by the like reason (other forms and proportions
observed) all other places of your house may be
kept sweet.
Your worships to command.
T. C.
Traveller .
AN APOLOGY.
But pah! what have I talked of all this while?
of A jax? Pa-pe, what an unsavoury argu-
aii this is ment is this! Nay, fie, I marvel you would
sweetened # J 7 J
sentence* Fead ^ have ^ 0St ^ m y Credit With OUr
Z wenches, if they hear that my pen has thus
polluted my paper. But alas! it is but my
amara. fortune and not my fault; I am forced thereto:
when the master is in the imperative mood,
the man must obey in the present tense, though
Fidoiis servns, he should be thought for his labour. As in
perpetuus asi- b
«us. 'presently perfectum format in avi , ut no nas
knavi , etc . Well, yet you see, I have not for¬
got all my grammar. I wis it were better for
us serving-men, if you masters would do more
Quae mala siut in the dative case, and speak less in the imne-
Domini, quae 1 *
.Ta r '„ i cSr n<> rat ve mood - If y°n will be lecherous, we
servum^te'ge- must be bawds; if you will be quarrellous, we
mu st be ruffians: and now my master plays
the physician, I must be the apothecary. If
AN APOLOGY.
15
he cast the water, I must minister the clyster.
What is the remedy?
Delirant domini, famuli plectuntur: iniquum est.
The men still bear their master's sin ;
But little justice is therein .
But a great many of my masters betters,
may say for themselves:
Mece (contendere noli) stultitiam patiuntur opes . Horace.
To strive with us it is but vain ,
Our wealth our follies will sustain .
Wherefore, now to say somewhat for myself,
and as it were to play one bout in mine own
defence (for if Zoilus have already bitten at
my masters banquet, it may be some Momes
will mock me for my short pittance). First,
therefore, to answer some Ciceronians, that Noio stercus
maintain that such a word as Stercutius should giandam, De
Orat. 157 .
not be named in civility (to omit, that where he
condemns it, there he useth it, and in one place DiVinat • 9 s *
besides). But I would ask some rhetoric
reader (for sometimes eloquence hath thought
it good to give the sword and buckler place ),
whether it be not as civil a phrase to say,
Stercutius is made a noun adjective, as these
16
AN APOLOGY.
few that I will here recite; which, if I should
English, they would make some perhaps cast
up their gorges. Against Piso, a great noble¬
man, his better in birth, his equal in office;
oratioinPiso. Cum hac me peste et labe confer o? Memi-
nisti ccenum; nescio quo egurgustio te prodire
obvoluto capite soleatumf fcetidam nobispopi-
nam exhalasti. Unde tu nos purtim turpis-
sime respondendo, partim fadissime eructando
ejecisti.
^ nc * aga ‘ nst worthy Anthony (whom so
£EC &noble pens have celebrated), mark what he
bar*products, saith, and where; even in the senate. But
first, you must imagine that Anthony had had
a little mischance while he sat in judgment on
the bench (perhaps some foolish orator, that
could not tell a slovenly tale cleanly, had been
arguing of purgare and reficere cloacam );
whereby, the nobleman being queasy, laid
open his stomach; and Tully, owing him a
grudge, a year after lays it in his dish, in these
o matter, sio. sweet words;
venly to be ^
S, hateful, U rem n0n modo msu fadam; sed etiam
orat. in m. aud itu, In ccctu Populi Romani negotium
Ant. ii. publicum gerens, cui ructare turpe esset, is
C 7
AN APOLOGY. 17
frustis esculent is y vinum redolentibus gremium
suum et totum tribunal implevit.
Thus, you see, your M. T. C. when it pleased
him to displease others, would use words as
bad as the best of us.
But to argue succinctly (as they call it), I
say, that that some call scurrility, in this book
is indeed but a check to scurrility: I will prove
it. Teachers of all sorts, when they will teach Grammarians,
. . Musicians,
one to mend his fault, will shew the fault m Dancers,
Fencers.
themselves first. Also the incomparable poet
of our age, to give a most artificial reproof of
following the letter too much, commits the
same fault of purpose.
You that do dictionary method bring
Into your rhymes , running in rattling roics. Sir P. Sydney.
Further, this book where it seems most loose, a good trial of
. . what spirit a
mark if it do not stop rather than open all gaps t»okjs writ-
of lasciviousness.
But lest some bad disputers, confessing the
premises to be true, should deny the conclu¬
sion, let me deal sillogistice in mood and figure. This is to you
. . that be scho-
And that the syllogism may be suitable to the
IB
AN APOLOGY.
a syllogism in proposition, let it be in the third figure, the fifth
mood, called Bocardo.
Major. Some homely words in necessary matters are
not to he condemned .
Minor. But all ages, all writers, all states, have
used these words in these matters .
conclusion. Ergo, the title of the book should not he
condemned .
Now if any be in so fierce a figure, and in so
angry a mood, that he will reduce all to Bar -
bara , I think we should chop logic best with
such a one in ferio.
But if an argument be brought against us in
a syllogism in the second figure, in a sober mood, and in the
the first mood ...
of the second sacred name of Cesar e: m this wise:
figure.
i- No words obscene, scurrilous , and sordid,
should come to modest, chaste, arid virtuous
ears;
c. But all words concerning the subject of the
book, are obscene, scurrilous, and sordid:
3. Ergo, no part of the book is approvable.
Faith, then we are all nonplus . I would our
festino had been cedarent; for there is no
denying nor replying to that mood; but only
AN UNEVEN PARALLEL. 19
say, God save the queen, and pray for the
psalm of mercy.
Well, yet I trust, however my master speeds,
I shall do well enough. Aquila non capit
muscas. Wherefore, to conclude, and to grace Eagles stoop
not at flies.
myself a little with you and your friends, let
me tell you some of my adventures. A ser¬
vants boast, you know, is to be like his master.
Lo! then how many ways I can liken me to
him.
First, we are near of an age: past our fool J *
[ & r This I learn
age, neither young nor old. Thomas 1 “
Both of a complexion; inclining to the
oriental colour of a Croydon sanguine. 2 -
Like in disposition; not idle, nor well 3.
occupied.
One of my kin did teach him at Eaton, and 4.
one of his kin taught me at Oxford.
We have been beyond sea, but never out of 5.
the queen’s dominions. In England, beyond Milford.
Wales; in Ireland, on this side England: Waterford;
because it is on
where we saw young children mothers at this * idc the
J 0 English pale.
eleven, young women old at twenty-three: we
saw some fair with little dressing, fat with
scant feeding, and warm with thin clothing.
20 AN UNEQUAL PARALLEL.
The first, they Excellent religion; mass in the morning,
call God’s ser¬
vice .these- common prayer at noon, common dancing at
cond, they call r J
the Queen’s night; we went as undertakers thither, we came
think'tTeTe- overtaken; as for those that mocked us
vii's service. so? q Q( j anc [ our L a( jy^ an d one more go with
them.
6. Since this travel we have been both poetical,
and I musical and pictorical; and though we
may lie and steal by authority, yet we are taken
for true men, and have holp to hang thieves.
7. At this hour some of our friends think us
worthy of better fortunes than we have; but
none is our friend so much to help us to them.
8. We have played, and been played with, for
our writings: Si quis quod fecit, patiatur jus
erit equum. If you do take but such as you
give, it is one for another; but if they that
play so, would give us but a piece of gold for
Now if the every good verse we think we have made, we
wm S ^ 10U ^ l eave some of them but poor fellows.
1 must'hfthat ® ut s °ft> if I should tell all, he would say, I
knave. the am of kin to Sauiitus Ablabius . It is no
Dam Arc S ad?a. ma tter, since he made me write of Sauntus
Accachius .
But now, that you may know I have been a
AN UNEQUAL PARALLEL.
21
dealer in emblems, I will conclude with a
device not sharp in conceit, but of venerable
antiquity; and yet by my masters own computa¬
tion, it is not so ancient as dame Cloacina, by
eighteen hundred years and more. Now rid¬
dle me what name is this. it is good to
set a name to
the book: For
a book with¬
out name may
be called a
libel.
The (grace of God) guides well both age and youth;
Fly sin with fear, as harmless (hare) doth hound;
Like precious (ring) embrace more precious truth;
As (tan) full of good juice, not empty sound;
In these right scalin'd, Misacmos ’ name is found.
AN APOLOGY;
1. Or rather a Retractation;
2. Or rather a Recantation;
3. Or rather a Recapitulation;
4. Or rather a Replication;
3. Or rather an Examination;
6. Or rather an Accusation;
7. Or rather an Explication;
8. Or rather an Exhortation;
9. Or rather a Consideration;
10. Or rather a Confirmation;
11. Or rather all of them;
12. Or rather none of them.
When I had finished the precedent pamphlet,
and in mine own fantasy very sufficiently eva¬
cuated my head of such homely stuff, of which
it might seem it was very full charged, and
shewed how little conceit or opinion I had of
mine own ability to handle stately matters, by
choosing so mean a subject to discharge my¬
self upon: I thought now to rest me awhile,
and to gather some strength, by feeding on
2
AN APOLOGY.
*37
Canaries we;
so called, of
tlie dogs that
were found
them.
The saying is,
Thrice an un¬
der sheriff, and
ever a knave.
some finer meats, and making some cullisses
and restoratives, for myself out of some other
mens kitchens, and not open -this vein any
re more. But I laboured all in vain to stop such
n a vein: for certain people, of the nature of
those that first dwelt in the Canaries, have
forced me to a further labour. For, whether
it were over-watching myself at primero, or
eating too much venison, which they say is a
very melancholy meat, I know not how: but
betimes one morning, when we use commonly
to take our sweetest sleep, namely, between
eight and half hour past ten, I was either in so
strange a dream, or in so strange a melancholy,
that methought there came to me a nimble
dapper fellow (I cannot hit on his name); one
that hath pretty pettifogging skill in the law,
and hath been an under sheriff (but not thrice),
and is now in the nature of an attorney; this
honest friend told me this solemn tale: I was
(saith he) yesternight at supper at ( )
ordinary, and there met M. Zoilus, M. Momus,
and three or four good natured gentlemen more
of the same crew; and toward the end of
supper they fell to talking (as their manner is)
AN APOLOGY.
3
of certain books lately come forth. And one
of them told how Lipsius the great politicke
(that learned to speak so good English but
awhile since) had written a book de Cruce y
protesting that though he understood not the
language, yet it offended his conscience to see
so many crosses in one book, and he have so
few in his purse: then they spake of M.
Raynold’s book against Bellarmine, but they
could find no fault with it; for they said it was
of a matter they used not to trouble themselves
withal: thirdly, they descanted of the new
Faerie Queene, and the old both; and the
greatest fault they could find in it, was that
the last verse disordered their mouths, and
was like a trick of seventeen in a sinkapace:
finally, they ran over many mens writing, say¬
ing, some wanted rhyme, some wanted reason,
and some both. One, they said, was so young
that he had not yet learned to write; another,
so old he had forgotten to write, and was fit
now to be donatus rude , as Horace saith.
But to make short, at last one of them pulled
out of his bosom a book that was not to be
sold in Paul's Church-yard, but only that he
4
AN APOLOGY.
had borrowed it of his friend; and it was
entitled, The Metamorphosis of A jax ; at
which they began to make marvellous sport:
and because it was a rainy night they agreed to
read over the whole discourse to pass the time
with. First, they read the authors name, and
though they understood it not, yet that it might
not pass without a jest, they swore that it sig¬
nified, Mise in a sack of moss . They read
the letters, and stumbling once or twice on a
figure called Prolepsis, or prevention, they were
angry their scoffs were so prevented. But
when they found Rabbles named, then they
were at home; they looked for pure stuff
where he was cited for an author.
The letters being ended, they perused the
pictures; they swore they were fit for a gong-
And they both farmer and a chimney-sweeper. Then they
he honester 1 J
SdT ^ tG Metamorpho-sis; it pleased them
*nd Momus. we ]l : they said it was scurrill, base, shal¬
low, sordid; the ditty, the dirge, the etymology,
the pictures, gave matter of jest, of scorn, of
derision, of contempt.
At last they came to the intent (as they
thought) of the whole discourse of reforming
5
AN APOLOGY.
master ajax ill breath; why, they were so
pleased with it, they were ready to untruss,
and thought to have gone to it presently: but
when they came to the exposition of the name
Misacmos , and found it was a hater of filth, it
was such a jerk, that they were half out of
countenance with it. Zounds! saith one of
them, this fellow is an enemy to us; for we
are counted but filthy fellows among the grave
grey-beards. But at last, when they were
come to the double distichon directly entitled
to them by name, they had no sooner read it
but there was such spitting and spalling, as
though they had been half choked; they thought
they should never get the taste out of their
mouths, yet they took immediately fifty pipes Martial saith,
of tobacco between five of them, and an ounce p«to post de-
cem peractos.
or two of kissing comfits. And soon after
swearing over a paternoster or two, and cursing
two or three credos (I mean the pox and three
or four small curses), they vowed a solemn
revenge; and taking pen and ink, they fall to
quoting of it, meeting with some matter almost
in every page, either to deride or to carp at;
and when they had done (for it would make a
6
AN APOLOGY.
book to tell all that passed among them), at
last one of them who had some judgment,
but not less malice than the rest, said in great
choler, doth this idle-headed writer, because
he can tell a tale of old Stercutius out of St.
Augustine, think that his wit will serve him to
find means to amend the ill savours in Rich¬
mond and Greenwich? No, if Hercules that
served Augeus , if Atlas that sustained the
world, if St. Christopher that is painted at
Richmond with his carriage, qui tollit peccata
mundi; if all these should join with him, I
doubt if it could be done. Yet, said another
of them (in scoff), we may thank him for his
good meaning. Nay rather, said a third man
in earnest, let us plague him for his malapert¬
ness. In conclusion, they all laid their heads
together, as near as they could for their brow
antlers, and devised to indict you at a privy
sessions. Some said, you could not be indicted,
That they except you were put out of the peace first:
56th page. but straight, one alleged a precedent in Wilt¬
shire, of a justice indicted for a barreter. Now
therefore (said my little attorney), advise you
how to answer it; for the session will be a
AN APOLOGY.
7
purchased session, sooner than you look for it.
He had but new ended his speech, and I had
scarce leisure to thank him, when methought
there rushed into my chamber a thick well
trussed fellow, with a badge just over his heart,
and commands me in the name that I love
above all names, to go immediately with him.
I must say truly, that though I blessed the
name he used, and the badge he ware, yet I
beshrewed his heart for bringing me no better
news next my heart: but with him I went (for
needs must he go whom the devil drives), and
yet why should I belie the devil? I think, for
forty shillings more than his fee, he would
have been seeking me a month in every place,
save where I was. But to proceed, methought
this gentle pursuivant brought me before an
austere and grave magistrate, whom I greatly
loved and honoured, to answer to divers objec¬
tions and articles that I never expected to be
charged with. I comforted myself as well as
I could with an old adage or two, qui vadit
plane vadit sane , the plain way hath the surest
footing; and magna est veritas et prcevalet ,
8 AN APOLOGY.
great is the truth and prevaileth; and then
answered my accusers as I could.
The manner of the accusation was not much
unlike the assault of a town: For first, they
skirmished as it were with small shot, which I
bare off with the armour and shield of plain¬
dealing and honest supplicity; but finding their
forces increase, I was glad to retire me into
the castle of innocency; where they made a
sore battery with rabbinets, minions, sakers,
and demicanons; for, as God would have it,
n“e°^S fy tlley had no canons: but thus they objected,
law. Now and thus I answered.
they are not
bufbaXTca- Some laid t0 m y charge, I was an idle fel-
“ertanoccncy. and shewed by my writings I had little to
do. Alas! said I, it is too true; and therefore,
if you know any man that hath an office to
spare, you may do well to prefer me to it:
foi it were a bad office that I would not change
for this I have taken upon me; and if I had
another, I would be content this were divided
among you.
s. Some said I was such a fool, to think
seriously the device worthy to be published,
f
^7
an apology. 9
and put in practice as a common benefit;
trust me that is true too.
Some supposed that because my writings s.
now lay dead, and had not been thought of
this good while, I thought (as Alcibades cut
off his dogs tail to make the people talk of his
curtail), so I would send my muse abroad
masking naked in a net, that I might say,
Nunc iterum volito viva per ora virum .
Of my honour that is not true. Will you
deny it on your oath? Nay, by our Lady, not
for a thousand pounds.
Some said plainly, because my last work was 4.
another mans invention, and that some fine
phrase-making fellows had found a distinction
between a versifier and a poet, I wrote this to
shew I could be both when I listed, though I
mean to be neither: as Thales Milesius, by
making himself rich in one year, shewed his
contempt of riches. The devil of the lie
that is.
Some surmised against me, that because the 5.
time is so toying, that wholesome meats cannot
be digested without wanton sauce; and that
JO
AN APOLOGY.
even al wise mens tables, fools have most of
the talk, therefore I came in with a bable to
have my tale heard : I must needs confess it.
6. Some said, that in emulation of outlandish
wits, and to be one of the first English that
had given the venture to make the title of his
work the worst part of it, I was persuaded to
write of such an argument: I will never deny
that while I live.
7 . Some affirmed, that I had taken this laugh¬
ing liberty to grace some that have favoured
me, and grate against some that had galled me:
guilty , my lord.
Alas! poor gentleman (say the standers by),
he will be condemned certainly for this that he
hath confessed already, if he be not saved by
his book: let us hear what he will answer to
the rest of the indictment.
8. You did mean some disgrace in the letter
afore the book, and in many passages of the
book itself, to ladies and gentlewomen. Who,
I? G— damn me if I love them not; I fear
more to be damned for loving them too well.
9 . You did think to scoff at some gentlemen
that have served in some honourable services,
v_7
AN APOLOGY. H
though with no great good success. As I am
a gentleman, not guilty; neither do I mean
any; but such as will needs be called M.
Captains, having neither carried out with them,
nor brought home with them, worth, wealth,
or wit.
You did seek to discredit the honest meaning 10 .
and laudable endeavours of some zealous and
honest men, that seek for reformation, and
labour faithfully and fruitfully in the world.
To this, in all and every not guilty; provided
they rail not against bishops, nor against the
communion book.
You did intend some scorn to great magis- 11 .
trates and men in authority, either alive or
deceased, under covert names to cover some
knavery. Knavery? no, as God judge me, my
lord, not guilty: the good yere of all the
knavery and knaves for me. By whom will
you be tried? By the queen and the ladies,
by the counsel and the lords. What, saucy
younker, will not meaner trial serve you? No,
good faith, my lord; I loved alway to be the
worst of the company.
Well, sirrah, this is the judgment of the
12
AN APOLOGY.
Ano. 1. 2.
Phil, and Mar.
cap. 3.
Ano. 23. Elis,
cap. 2.
court: that because there is hope that you
may prove a wiser man hereafter, and that you
have some better friends than you are worthy
of, you shall have this favour; if the indict¬
ment happen to be found, you shall traverse
it, and you shall choose twelve freeholders
bonos et legates homines , that shall inquire of
the quality of your discourse, and bring in
their verdict quindena pascha ,* and if they
find you guilty, you shall have a hole bored in
your ear. What to do; to wear my mistress
favour atr Now, God save your mistress life,
my lord. Clerk of the peace, draw his indict¬
ment upon the four last articles that he denied,
and upon the statute of Scandala; for I tell
you we must teach you to learn the laws of
the realm, as well as your rules of poetry.
Laws? I trow I have the law at my fingers
ends:
Aures per dentes super et sint pillory st antes,
Scanda rumantes in regis consiliantes ;
Aut in magnates nova sediciosa loquentes,
Non producentes autores verba serentes .
Their ears must on the pillory be nail'd,
That have against her Highness ’ counsel rail'd ;
Or such as of the peers foul brutes do scatter,
And cannot Irring their author for the matter.
--- - —
r -
AN APOLOGY.
13
Wherefore, you shall find I will keep me
safe enough from scandalizing. And if you do,
it is the better for you.
What is your name? Misacmos . What? it
is a Welsh name, I think: Of whence do you
write yourself? Misacmos , of Caernarvon, gen¬
tleman. Who made you of Caernarvon ? She
that made you of England. Well, you shall
fare never the worse for that; but look to the
answering of your indictment, I advise you.
What must I have no counsel ? Straight a big
fellow, with a biggin on his head, and his gown i mean no
off of one shoulder, cries no, the Queen is a time but one
77 that Martial
party. But I had rather your gown were off c P eHks of -
the other shoulder, and your head after, then
you should make her a party against me; and
yet, as ill as I love you, I would my second son
had changed possibilities with your eldest, for
a thing that I know. And thus after a few
wrangling words, methought the court rose for
that time; and suddenly my man came bustling
into my chamber, and told me that all the
gentlemen that had been riding on the heath
were come back again, and that it was near
eleven of the clock; and straight 1 called for
14
AN APOLOGY.
my suit of Abrizetta, and made all the haste 1
could to make me ready, not so much as tar¬
rying to say my prayers, lest I might not come
time enough to the peace of God at the closet,
and so I might be in danger to lose my
dinner.
But having somewhat better pondered with
myself this foresaid fancy, I was somewhat
troubled with it, not so much for those hanging
metaphors, for as a good knight of our country
said, gogs soul sirs, the best gentleman of
us all, need not forswear hanging, but that I
thought that my genius hereby presaged to me
some peril to my reputation, of the sundry
censures I should incur, by letting such a pam¬
phlet fly abroad at such a time, when every
thing is taken at the voley; and therefore I
held it not unnecessary, as much as in me lay,
to keep it from the view and censure of all
such as were like to deride it, despise it, or
disgrace it; and to recommend it only to all
such as I thought would allow it and approve
it. For to confess the truth frankly to you,
my good cousins, o teal rj (piXoffriXirvog, I desire
not altogether to have it concealed, lest some
AN APOLOGY.
15
hungry promoting fellows should beg it as a
concealment, and beg the author also, for
writing a thing that he were ashamed to shew;
but if I might govern the matter as I would, I
would generally recommend it only to such
as have houses and families of their own. For
I remember I have read of a certain king of
the Lacedemonians, that being one day private
in his garden, was teaching one of his sons ot
live years old to ride on a stick, and unawares
a great ambassador came to speak with him,
and found him in the manner: at which, both
the king and the ambassador in the kings
behalf began to blush at first; but soon after,
the king put away the blush and the hobby¬
horse together, and with a pretty smile asked
the ambassador if he had any little children of
his own; he answered, no: then, said he, I
pray you tell not what you found me doing, till
you have some little ones of your own, and*
then tell it, and spare not: for even so, I
would request men to forbear reading of this
discourse, or at least reproving of it till they had
of their own that, that would make them know
the commodity and cleanliness of it; and for
'
l6 AN APOLOGY.
those that will not, I would but wish them (as
Martial wishes to Charinus),
Quid imprecabor O severe Liventi ,
Opto Mulos habeat et suburbanum.
So I would they could ride on their foot-
cloth, and had a house, and a jax of their
own. Yet, surely it may be, it were the wisest
way to shew it to none at all; and so I half
wish sometimes: but because every general rule
must have his exception, you shall see whom I
would be content both the discourse and the
device may be shewed unto,
i. First, to a good and judicious scholar; for
^heM^Tthe 0 " * ie rea( * lty ere * ie judge of it, and say,
omnia probate; and then perhaps, after he hath
read it, he will smile, and say it is some young
scholars work, that would have shewed more
wit if he had had it; but it is well, ridentern
• dicere verum quis vetat, etc . And then he will
say, it were good some of his friends would
advise him to spend his talent and his time on
some better subject. But some supercilious
fellow, or some stale scribe, that think men
will not judge them to be learned except they
AN APOLOGY.
17
find faults, they will swear a man would have
written as well, that had read but Marcus
Aurelius .
Secondly, I would have it shewed to a house- c.
keeper that hath much resort to him; for it
were not only a deed of charity to help such
a one, but a sin to hide it from him; for else
he may pick a quarrel, and say, that this same
company hath so stenched up his house, that a common
.. t i ... excuse of su
lie must be forced to lie at London till his as break up
houso.
house be made sweeter.
Thirdly, if one be a builder and no house- j.
keeper, let him see it too, for he loves to have
all fine for his heir; and perhaps I would be
content for the love I have had to that humour,
that my master his son, were married to his
mistress my daughter, as Heywood saith of a
lusty old widower, that wooed a young woman,
and boasting how well he would provide for
his son:
In a short tale, when his long tale was done,
She pray'd him go home, and send her his sen.
But if one be a builder and a housekeeper
both, then I will come home to his house to
him; I will read him a lecture of it, I will
18
AN APOLOGY.
instruct his workman, I will give him plots and
models, and do him all the service I can; for
that is a man of my own humour, and a good
commonwealths-man; but yet I will give him
a caveat in his ear that I learned of Sir Thomas
More, if his purse be not well furnished:
JEdificare domos mult as, et pascere multos,
Est ad pauperiem, semita laxa nimis.
The way from wealth and store, to want and need,
Is much to build, and many mouths to feed.
Fourthly, if you would know whether you
should shew it to ladies. Yea, in any wise to
all manner of ladies; of the court, of the
country, of the city; great ladies, lesser ladies,
learned, ignorant, wise, simple, foul, well-
favoured, painted, unpainted, so they be ladies,
you may boldly prefer it to them: for your
milkmaids and country housewives may walk
to the woods to gather strawberries, &c.
But greater states cannot do so; and there¬
fore for them it is a commodity more than I
will speak of; yet upon a touch of this point,
make me but a good rhyme to this line afore
dinner:
Within yon tower there is a flower that holds my heart.
AN APOLOGY,
19
Howbeit, you must not shew it after one
fashion to all; but to the wise and sober, after
a plain fashion; to the wanton and waggish,
after another fashion; as namely, if they cry
(lie for shame) when they hear the title read or
such like, do but you say (for company) that it
is a mad fantastical book indeed; and when
you have done, hide it away, but where they
may find it, and by the next day they will be
as cunning in it as you; for this is not the first
time that I have said of such a kind of book,
In Brutus’ presence, Lucrece will refuse it;
Let him hut turn his back, and shell peruse it.
Fifthly, you may shew it to all amorous
young youths, that will scratch their head but
with one finger at once (as Cato noted of
Casar), and had rather be noted of three dis¬
orders in their lives than of one in their locks;
and especially if they be so cleanly that they
will not eat pottage (no not alone), but that
they will wipe their spoon between every
spoonful, for fear lest their upper lip should
infect the nether: for I would think certainly,
that such a one, if he be so cleanly as he
would seem to be, would make great account
N
<20
AN APOLOGY.
of A jax so well reformed. But yet the
world is so full of dissimulation and hypocrisy,
that we of the plainer sort may be easily
deceived: for I heard of one the last day, in a
town a hundred mile from London, that had
engrossed all the fine fashions into his hands,
of the curling, perfuming, wiping the spoon,
&c.; and yet after all this cleanliness went to
as common and as deformed a jax of the
feminine gender as any was in the town; and
then, alas! what will such a one care for my
device.
praise of fat Lastly, I would have it shewed to all good,
mem
fat, corpulent men, that carry with them a writ
of Corpus cum causa , for they are commonly
the best natured men that be; without fraud,
without treachery, as Cccsar said of Anthony
and Dolobella, that he never mistrusted them
for any practise because he saw they were fat;
but rather Casca and Cassius , that were lean
hollow fellows, and cared not for a good dinner:
and therefore I would be censured by those
good fellows that have less gall; and the rather,
because I look every day for press money from
the captain, to be employed in the conquest of
Lubberland.
AN APOLOGY.
21
that country, and this engine of mine is like to
be in great request for those services.
But methinks you may say, that here is a
marvellous restraint made of shewing this
discourse of mine, not much unlike to our
stage-keepers in Cambridge, that for fear lest
they should want company to see their come¬
dies, go up and down with vizors and lights,
puffing and thrusting, and keeping out all
men so precisely, till all the town is drawn by
this revel to the place; and at last, tag and rag,
fresh men and sub-sizers, and all be packed in
together so thick, as now is scant left room for
the prologue to come upon the stage: for so
you may suppose that I would bar all from
this pamphlet of mine, save those that can
write, or read, or understand. But if you take
it thus, you do much mistake it; for there be
divers from whom I would keep it as I would
from lire and water, as for example:
First, from a passing proud fellow, such a 1.
r . . Four soils of
one as Naaman the Syrian, that would disdain men that will
J m mislike or the
to wash in Jordan though it would cure him book,
of the leprosy or the pox; and to such, for my
part, I would wish they might lay all in their
22
AN APOLOGY.
gold breeches, rather than to abase their high
conceits so much, as to think upon poor master
A JAX.
e. Secondly, from all manner of fools and
jesters, whether they be artificial or natural;
for those be so dull, they cannot taste the salt
in a piece of well powdered writing; and
those be so tart, they will rather lose a friend
than a jest: yet if their railing were allayed a
little, with the two excellent virtues of flatter¬
ing and begging, one might hope for some
kindness at their hands.
3. Thirdly, if you spy a fellow with a bay leaf
in his mouth, avoid him; for he carrieth a thing
about him worse than master A jax, that all
the devices we have cannot reform.
4. Fourthly, if you see a stale, lean, hungry,
poor, beggarly, threadbare cavaliero, like to
Lazarillo’s master, that when he dined at his
own house, came forth with more crumbs of
bread on his beard than in his belly, and that
being descended of divers nobilities, will do a
mean gentleman the honour to borrow ten
shillings of him, shew it not him; for though
he can say nothing against it, yet he will leer
AN APOLOGY.
23
under his hat as though he could speak more
than he thinks. For such a one that makes
not a good meal at home once in a month,
hath not a good stool above once in a week,
and then he will never say us gramercy for
it: and this I may say to you is a consideration
of no small importance; for though I must
acknowledge that is not one of the meritorious
works I look to be saved by, yet to have a
prayer or two from some, that perhaps nevei
say a prayer any where else, would do me
no hurt, nor them neither. And methink I
might much better deserve a kn-ave mary to be
said for me where my stately A J ax is admitted,
and stands men instead, than he for whose
soul the young gentleman, the first time he
consummated his marriage with his wife, said
a paternoster; and being asked for whom he
prayed, he told his wife it was for his soul that
had taken the pains to make his way so easy
for him. Oh! sir, said she, it is a sign you
have travelled such ways more than an honest
man should have done, that you are so cunning;
and so they became good friends. But ware
riot, ho! whither am I running? I said, I would
if jt
Proud.
Fools.
Beggars.
24 AN APOLOGY.
keep me from scandalizing; but if I stop not
betime, some will think to have their action in
the case against me; yet it is good to cast the
worst. Suppose, that for my bad inditing, I
should be indicted, as it is twenty to one but if
the grand jury were pricked by a bad sheriff,
out of those four last mentioned suits (and of
three of them you shall have a full appearance
in most courts of Christendom), they will sure
say, billa vera , though they should say of right
nothing but ignoramus . But see, see, even
with thinking of it I fall again into my former
melancholy; methink the indictment is found,
I am arraigned, I plead not guilty, I would still
be tried by the nobility, by such as build stately
palaces and keep great courts, but it will not
be granted me; I must have none but free¬
holders, I chafe at it and would appeal: they
cry it is not the course of the common law; I
praise the civil law; for there a man may hold
play with appealing, if he have a little idle
money to spend, three or four years. At last
comes the little dapper fellow, my honest
attorney, that knew better the course of these
matters than I did; and he rounds me in the
AN APOLOGY.
2.5
ear, and tells me, that for forty shillings to
master high-sheriflPs man that wears the russet
satin doublet and the yellow silk stockings, he
will undertake I shall have a jury of good
freeholders, but for the nobility, it is out of
their commission: and, sir (saith he), what need
you to stand so much on the nobility, con¬
sidering you desire to have none but great
housekeepers and builders? For suppose you
could get three or four to appear, one at Pet-
worth, another hard by there at Coudrey (where,
in the old viscounts time, Jupiter hospitalis , is
said to have dwelt); and the young lord I hear
doth patrisare , or rather I should say avisare
(and that is a good word if he will mark it).
Say also another dwelt at Ragland in Mon¬
mouthshire, where I heard a good knight of
Gloucestershire affirm, the most honourable
house of that realm was kept; and a fourth at
Nonesuch, where the housekeeper for true
English noblesse and honour, deserves the name
better than the house. But when you shall
think to make up the tales , where will you have
them? some will be non est inventus in baliva y
some that you love best will not be perhaps
26
AN APOLOGY.
intra quatuor maria: wherefore the judge was
your friend more than you were aw^are, that
gives you choice of freeholders.
Believe me (said I), I think it is so indeed;
hold thee, my little dapper knave, there is forty
shillings for master sheriff’s man to buy him
wooden stocks another pair of silk stockings, and there is
■were fitter for .
th, m than silk forty pence for thy good counsel; and see you
find me a jury of substantial freeholders, that
are good housekeepers, to try my honesty by.
He goeth, and ere an ape can crack a nut
(as they say) he brings the names; and master
crier he comes, twenty shillings in his shoes,
and calls them, though he be sure they cannot
hear him, as followeth :
i. John Harington, of Exton in the county of
Rutland, knight; alias John Har: of Burleigh
in the county aforesaid, alias of Combe in the
county of Warwick, alias of Ooston in the
county of Leicester, come into the court, or
else, &c. Hath he freehold? Yea, he is a
pretty freeholder in all these shires: Moreover,
saith a third man, though he be a freeholder,
yet he hath married his daughter to one, that
for a grandfather, for a father, for two uncles,
AN APOLOGY.
vs
27
and three or four aunts, may compare with
most men in England. Lastly, a fourth said,
and four hundred confirm it, that he relieves
many poor and sets them to work; he builds
not only his own houses, but colleges and
hospitals. Marry, sir, then shall he be foreman
of my jury with all my very heart: a builder
and an housekeeper both? you cannot devise
to please me better. I would there were a
decern tales in every shire in England, and on
that condition I would be glad to be one of
them. Well, what have you to say to Sir
John Harington? Marry, this. Here is one
Misacmos , that is an accused servant of the
state, to be a writer of fantastical pamphlets
to corrupt manners; the same suspected of
divers untruths and treasons, not sparing the
majesty of kings and great emperors (saying
one was a cuckold and a fool, another had
an ill face, as in the pamphlet itself more
plainly appeareth): now because it seems he
is a gentleman, and of reasonable good breed¬
ing, he craves to be tried by a substantial jury;
of which, for many respects, he will have you
to be the foreman: he pleads to all the prin-
28
AN APOLOGY.
cipal matters, not guilty; and justifies, that
those things they call untruth and treason, are
truth and reason. He is to be tried by God
and country, which country you are; where¬
fore, your charge is (if it please you) to read
the whole treatise at your leisure, and then to
say how you like it. He saith further, he cares
not to have you sworn, because your word
will be taken for a greater matter than this
by ten thousand pounds without oath. Jury
Harington.
2. Who is next? Sir John Peter, of Stonden in
' the county of Essex, knight, a good house¬
keeper, and a builder both. Hath he freehold ?
Yea, so, so, I think he may wear velvet and
satin (by the statute of 4 and 5 Phil. Ma.),
for he may dispend twenty marks a year, ultra
reprisas.
Well, because he is. a builder and a house¬
keeper, I hope he will not deny me to be of
my jury. The same charge, &c. that Sir John
Harington took, you &c.; and so long may you
keep a good house. Jury Peter.
3 . Sir John Spenser, knight, a good substantial
freeholder in Northamptonshire, and a good
AN APOLOGY.
29
housekeeper, and so was the father afore him:
Oh! I remember him; he had a poor neigh¬
bour once dwelt at Holmeby, that made four
verses, if I have not forgot them, were forty
shillings out of his way:
Erupuit sors dura mihi, sors altera reddit.
Hac loca quce veteri , rudere structa tides:
Actemos vivat y magna Elisabetha per annos,
Qiup me tam grato , Icetofavore beat .
By St. Mary he had good cause to say, well
fare a good mistress, or else Holmeby had been
joined to your freehold. How say you, worthy There^were
knight (and the best man of your name that is, Spensers,
but not that hath been), will you be of our
jury? You will say, you know not this same
Misacmos . It may be so very well; for I
think the fellow doth scarce know himself at
this instant, and yet he learned yvoQi aeavrov
twenty years ago. Well, I presume you will
not refuse it; for though you never heard of
him, it seems he hath heard of you: I will tell
you two or three good tokens; you have three
or four sisters, good, well-favoured, well-fea¬
tured, well-statured, well-natured women, for
plain country wenches; and they were married
30
AN APOLOGY.
to men a step or two, or three or four, above
the best yeomen of Kent (well fare all good
tokens); and one of them is a widow; I beshrew
their hearts, and I would their wives were
widows that made her so: I trow it was Sir
James Harington and your father, that went a
begging to make a purse to marry their daugh¬
ters : but you will make a hundred of us go a
begging, if we should follow you: will you
have any more tokens yet? you had a brother
of Lincoln’s Inn, and another they say keeps a
good house, for I ween the best housekeeper in
England was at his house: yet one token
more: you have a learned writer of your
name, make much of him, for it is not the
least honour of your honourable family Jury
Spenser.
4. Thomas Stanop, knight, of Shelford in the
county of Nottingham, a housekeeper, a builder,
a substantial freeholder, come into the court.
Alas! sir, he is lame, he cannot come. Is he
so indeed ? I am sorry for it: I have heard that
he hath borne some sway in his country, yet
bid him not forget the old proverb, a good
friend in the court is worth a penny in the purse
T
^7
fee
good
brew
were
s Sir
?nta
ugh-
(0 a
fOU
her
psa
er in
oken
your
t the
fury
i the
Mer,
court.
Isle
rd that
ryjet
good
parse
AN APOLOGY.
at all times. Well, if he cannot come, let us
have another. Oh, sir (saith one), stay but a
'paternoster while, and you may have his son
in his place. What, master John Stanop, my
old schoolfellow, an honest and valiant gen¬
tleman ? I will tarry for him with all my heart.
To the next.
Matthew Arundell, knight, of Warder in the 5.
county of Wiltshire, a good freeholder and a
builder. Tush! he is no housekeeper, so said
one that dwells threescore miles to Trent north¬
ward. Is it so? I will know within this month
if it be so or no; in the mean season I will
venture to take him, if I can meet with him.
For, first, I doubt if he himself that said so,
have spent so much in honourable services as
this freeholders son hath done.
Secondly, I have seen both lords and ladies
as well entertained in his poor house, and
served in as fine plate and porcelain as any is
in the north. And admit he w r ere no house¬
keeper, yet I would have him, because I hear
he is a good horsekeeper, a red deer keeper, a norsekeeper.
fallow deer keeper, and other such base things
as may enable him for my jury. Come on, old
32
AN APOLOGY.
father Peleus; he looks like Prester John in
his furred nightcap; but he hath more wit
under that cap than two or three of his neigh¬
bours. Will it please you, sir, to be of our
jury? It shall cost the life of one of the bald-
faced bucks else. What, are you angry I call
you Peleus ? If I were but another Promo-
theus , I would swear your fortune should be,
to be like Peleus: for the time was, that one
wrote of your Thetis , when she waited on
Diana at Hatfield;
Who marketh well her grace, thereby may plainly see
A Laura in her face, and not a Willoughby .
Whist! peace (saith my little attorney in
mine ear)! you that are so full of your poetry;
we shall have a new indictment framed against
you, upon the statute of rogues , for telling of
fortunes. Have you a verse for that too?
Yes, marry, have I, sir:
Fati narrator, JEgiptus prestigiator,
Aure perurantur, simul atque flagella sequantur.
All fortune-tellers, jugglers, and Egyptians,
Are burn'd in th' ear, or whipp'd by laws prescriptions .
Notwithstanding, I trust a man may by
poetica licentia , and by example of Virgil , tell
AN APOLOGY.
v7
fortunes that be past, yet little said is soon
amended; howbeit, I will not forget to be
thankful to this good knight for one special
favour he did me; and that was, he made me
go when I was with him atWardour to as stately
A jax house (for a summer house), and as
sweet as any can be, in a standing made in an
oak, that hangs over a pond; and marvel not I
call it stately: for this master A jax, if you
bring but an angle-rod and a cross-bow with
you, will afford choice of three royal sports,
to kill deer, fowl, and sfih. Now this, I take it,
was more than common kindness; and so much
for jury Arundell.
Francis Willoughby, knight, of Wollerton 6.
in the county of Nottingham, a good free¬
holder, a housekeeper, and a great builder.
Oh! my neighbour that dwells a hundred miles
from me, and yet but a hedge parts our land:
good morrow, neighbour, with the fair house,
the fair wife, and the fair living: Tout beau , I
pray you let us have a fair verdict from you in
our matter, or else I will promise you I will
rather lie in the worst inn in Nottingham, than
in the fairest bedchamber in your house: and
34
AN APOLOGY.
if you will be of our side I will pray that all
your fairs may be the fairer one for another.
Jury Willoughby.
7 . John Berin, knight, of the same county, a
great good housekeeper; marry, God's blessing
on his heart for it. Indeed, I remember they
would say, that Sir John Berin for Nottingham¬
shire, was as great a housekeeper as Sir Edward
Baynton in Wiltshire; and then I will be sworn
he was a good one. Well, let us make much
of him, for there is but a few of them left; I
trust he will not refuse me for my jury. Jury
Berin.
8. George Sampoole, knight, a Lincolnshire
man, and a Lincoln’s Inn man, a good free¬
holder, and keeps a good house in his country
(as I hear); but I know my neighbours of
Bath will affirm that he kept good hospitality
there; and that he and his fair lady both, are a
worthy, virtuous, and a godly couple.
W ell, let them be as godly as they may, and
as perfect in the Scripture as Priscilla and
Aquila , I hope they will not deny but I have
good authorities for my teshe, and give a
friendly verdict. Jury Sampoole.
AN APOLOGY.
iat all
lOther.
nty, a
essiog
r they
[flam-
ward
vom
mch
M
Jury
nsliire
free*
uatrj
rs of
Ltality
, area
ay, and
'la aud
lb
give a /
35
Ralph Horsey, knight, the best housekeeper 9.
in Dorsetshire, a good freeholder, a deputy
lieutenant. Oh, sir, you keep hawks, and
hounds, and hunting horses; it may be some
mad fellow will say, you must stand in the
bath up to the chin, for spending five hundred Adding to
pounds to catch hares and partridges, that
might be taken for five pounds.
But if you do come to Bath (so you will
be one of my jury), I will stand as deep in the
bath as you; and it is odds but at the spring
and fall we shall meet good company there.
I pray you give a friendly verdict, for old
acquaintance between King’s College and Tri¬
nity College. Jury Horsey.
Sir Hugh Portman, of Orchard in the 10 .
county of Somerset, knight, a good house¬
keeper, a builder, and a substantial freeholder.
Marry, sir, I might ill have spared him. Come,
my good knight, I have kept you in store for
a dead lift; I hope you will stick close to us
for the law; for you have as much if you list
to shew it as some that wear coifs. Besides,
you have that same sovereign medicine against
the consumption, called aurumpotabile: and 1
o
Gratis signifi-
eth to thankful
persons. But
gratis, the ad¬
verb, signifies
freely.
J6 AN APOLOGY.
know your neighbours of Taunton say you
are liberal of it; and for your good hospitality,
your neighbours of the court will say, you are
no niggard of your meat. Yet I remember
one day when I told a good friend of yours
that I was sure you never took usury, well
(saith he) though I grant he doth many men
kind pleasures, yet he doth them not all gratis .
I promised him I would tell you so, and to
pick a further thank, I will tell you what I
answered him (for I guessed at his meaning by
means I had once some smattering of the
Latin tongue): if your gratis (quoth I) be an
adjective, the fault is theirs, and the praise is
his.
Well, Sir Hugo, I will come shortly and
see your new builded orchard (I think there is
not two better orchards in England, and put
Kent to it); and when we have conferred for
reforming one fault there (you can smell my
meaning I am sure), then would I ask your
opinion, which makes a man happier, to be
wise or rich: I asked a philosopher once, and
he said he could not tell, because he saw still
the wise men wait at the rich mens doors.
AN APOLOGY.
I you
Italy,
)u are
Jinbei
yours
, well
men
mtk
id to
wt I
njbj
f the
bean
aise is
iere is
id put
red for
aell my
sk your
r,tok
ice, and
saw still
ors.
37
Well, happy are you if you can decide this
question, and happier if you cannot decide it.
A rich man, a wise man, a builder, and espe¬
cially a bachelor. Franco , sciolto , stegato , O
chefelice , stato ? Wherefore keep you so still,
and believe me it is the happiest state; yet tell
not my wife that I say so, for (of my honesty)
she will make me unsay it again with all my
heart. Jury Portman. Crier count them.
Sir John Harington, one; Sir John Peter,
two; Sir John Spenser, three; Sir Thomas
Stanop, four; Sir Matthew Arundell, five;
Sir Francis Willoughby, six; Sir John Berin,
seven; Sir George Sampoole, eight; Sir Ralph
Horsey, nine; Sir Hugh Portman, ten. Whoop!
why how now, master K. sheriff’s man? Here
is but ten, give me a noble of my forty shillings
back again. Oh, speak soft, sir, you shall have
a tales for two more, the best we can get, but
we can find no more knights. There is two
names more for you. Who have we here?
Ralph Sheldon, of Beeley in the county of
Worcester, esquire; Thomas Markham, gen¬
tleman.
First, let us see what this Sheldon is. Hath
o 2
38
AN APOLOGY.
he freeholds? Yea, sir, he is a good freeholder,
a great housekeeper, a builder, an excellent
commonwealths man as any is in all his
country; I will warrant you he will be for you.
what is a Not too much of your warrants. What said
knaves war- _ mi 1 •
rant worth? Henry 1 uttle to his grandfather: (jrive me
A by-word in # °
Somersetshire, leave I pray you a little, I have heard he is an
unthrift; I have forgotten at what game it
was, but I am sure it was said, if he had not
fair play played him, he was in danger within
these two years to have lost his land by one
And let him play or other. By the mass, it is true there
jan’s soni with was such a matter. Well, let him thank a
St. Gregory.
guiltless conscience and a gracious princess
that he sped no worse. Oh, these same oves
et boves, et pecora , campi , a flock of white
sheep in a green field, and a new house on a
high hill; I tell you they be perilous tempting
marks to shoot at.
It is strange to see the world; not half a year
before, I heard one that was a great courtier
say, that he thought him one of the sufficientest
wise men of England, and fittest to have been
made of the council but for one matter; and
indeed, by Cornelius A grippes rule, that is
older,
ellent
II fe
'you.
t said
e me
is an
e it
not
thin
one
there
nk a
icess
m
fhite
ina
iting
lyear
rnrtier
entest
? been
■; and
iati
AN APOLOGY. 39
a right courtiers commendation: For after they
had roved three *or four idle words to praise a
man, straight they marr all at the buts: I
would to God, for their own sakes and mine
too, they could leave it. Well, master Shel¬
don, I pray you be of our jury, for you have
made a fine house at Weston (but I know one
fault in it). Now, though I praise your house
like a courtier with a but, you must bring in
your verdict like a plain countryman without
the but.
Thomas Markham, gentleman, come to the
court: which Markham is this? black Mark¬
ham, keeper of Bescowd: why he is an
esquire, I trow I have a verse for it made by a
most honourable poet;
Thomas Markham , the gentle 'squire,
Whom Sir Fulke Greville call'd a grimsire.
Yea, it is true; but the case is altered since:
for that same good knight is lame, or else I
dare answer he would have appeared on this
jury himself (and his son is an honourable
gentleman, and a great statesman may do a
man displeasure about the queen, it is not good
troubling of him). If he be that Markham I
I
40
AN APOLOGY.
will none of him, for I heard a noble philoso¬
pher of the same coat that die poet was, say
that he is a stoic, and I will no stoics of my
jury; of the two extremes, I would rather
have epicures. Besides that, I would have no
such black fellows; for we shall have some of
these poetry men say, as one said of Sir Harry
Goodyeare, when he wrote Candida sint comi-
tum Goodyeery nil nisi nigrum , he wrote
underneath it, Hie niger est, hunc tu regina
careto; a good yeere on him for his good
caveat, for he hath had since some young
scholars that have learned to put in the like
caveats. Cave credas , take heed you trust him
not: but Tully saith in his oration pro Ligario y
nonne omnem humanitatem exuerunt? Have
they not cast away all sense of humanity ? And
a little after saith the same Tully of Cave
ignoscas; here nec kominis , nee ad hominem
vox: qua qui apud te C. Ccesar utetur, suam
ipsi citius abiicient humanitatem , quam extor-
quebunt tuam. Thus in England: take heed
you pardon not. O, lewd speech, not fit to
be spoken of a man nor to a man; which
speech, whosoever shall use to thee (O more
AN APOLOGY.
VZ7
41
than Casar), shall sooner discover their own
cruel inclination, than extort from thee thy
natural clemency. O, divine Tally , is not
this Christianly spoken of a heathen? were
not that heathenishly spoken of a Christian?
Well, he that should put in such a caveat for
me, I would follow presently a quare impedit,
why I might not present him for a cnave at
little Brainford and less honesty.
Thomas Markham, gentleman, come to the
court. Yet again? I tell thee I will none ofinmemori*
aeterna erit jos-
him, one said he looked black on him: yea, tus.
but he that found such fault with his com¬
plexion, I heard one tell him was dead, and he Accused and
r 7 said, Lopus
answered very charitably, young he was, and J^d bidwm
poor he was, and knave he was; and so God
have mercy on his knaves soul. Faith, that is C Tanqulm\ter-
like enough to be his answer. Then it may be vnpiorum.
he is clear otherwise, though he look black.
Clear, yea on my word. Candido piu nel cuor
che di fuor cigno: What is that? Rara avis
in terris nigroque similimo cigno; Just as
Jermin’s lips; now you have compared him
well, as white as a black swan. Well, I have
no mind to have him of my jury, he is but a
42
AN APOLOGY.
ry
poor freeholder, he hath no credit. No credit?
why his bond hath been taken for twenty thou¬
sand pounds. Hath it? more fool he, I will
never trust him for half so much; I pray thee
look me some better freeholder. Why, sir? I
advise you do not scorn him; though he be no
knight, he had a knight to his father, and hath
a knight to his son, you may well admit him of
your jury. I tell thee, my little knave, thou
dost press me beyond good manners; I will
not have him. Hark in your ear, they say he
is malcontent. Who saith so? Nay, who saith
a lewd libel not so? Unton is undone; Markham is malcon-
inadtj at the
death of the tent. Who hath not heard that? wherefore
Lord Chancel¬
lor Hatton, make no more ado, but send me for his nephew
Robert, that came of the elder house and of
the blood of Lancaster; he that master secre¬
tary Walsingham gave the Arabian horse; I
would have him, he is a fairer complexioned
man by half, and in sadness I wish him well.
Heigh ho: what, dost thou sigh? Alas! sir, he
would come with all his heart, but he is busy
sitting on a commission (I have forgotten in
King’s Bench, what bench it is), and when he hath done there,
Pennyless 7
Bench. he must go they say to another bench at
AN APOLOGY.
43
Oxford. What, Robert Markham of Cottam?
so honest a gentleman, so good a housekeeper,
so well descended, so well affected in religion,
and become such a bencher, that when he is
called is forthcoming, but not coming forth ? I
am sorry I can do him no pleasure; I would
his best cousin did know it. The time hath
been, that if he could have walked with a
little stick like a ragged staff on his sleeve, or
if he had had but a walking hind, or a ramping
sta«\ or the white bird that is such a beauty to
the Thames, he should not have lain so long
after his resting: well, then I perceive the
world goeth hard on all the Markham’s sides;
I think they be all malcontents, they shall none
of them be of my jury: I pray God they do
not say that I am of kin to them, for indeed my
name Misacmos begins with an M. "Vi hat, if
one should write Misacmos is malcontent ; I
would leap upon the letter and reply, By your
leave you lie like a lout, lewd master libeller.
But Markham is malcontent; how prove you
it? Scriptum est enim, for it is written, but is
in libro jictitio. I would you could name me
your author; yet let us examine this ignoto, if
44
AN APOLOGY
lie say true. Let us do him the favour that
Agrippa. men do to astronomers, if they tell but one
true tale, believe him in a hundred lies; sure
The libel is you lied in all the rest, good M. Libeller; for
thus: ~
unton is un- nrst, lie that you said Was undone, lived to do
rlonr* • TVTarb-- " '
content mal * more serv * ce f° r country than ever you will
do; and many things are left undone by his
death, that might perhaps have been much
rioure fadeth. better done; and he that you said fadeth, doth
now flourish with a gilt axe in his hand in a
Swaiie wail- much more honourable service: and he that
cth.
you said wailed, is well and merry (he thanks
Bancroft is you not); and he you said was bankrupt, pays
the queen more subsidy than you and I both,
I dare lay a wager; and the other two, the
Hatton is hat one need not go barehead for want either of
oft. 1 •
hat or hair, and the other will neither dodge
nor doubt to shew his face as you do. Where¬
fore, M. Libeller, though in this matter you are
cited and believed better than Saint Austin, yeti
believe you not in saying Markham’s be mal¬
contents: and yet, at a venture, I would you
had die causes of discontent that they have,
so they had none of them: but this 1 will
distinguish upon the authority alleged, that
AN APOLOGY.
45
taking malcontent as an honest man might take
it, namely, a man sorrowful for the grievous
loss of his greatest friend, the ungrateful requi¬
tals of most kind and friendly offices, the
unadvised revolt of his dear son, the unaccus¬
tomed frown of his dread sovereign; if a man
felt no discontent in these, I would say he
were a stock and not a stoic; but understanding
it, as I know you would be understood, that
they be malcontent as ill affected to their prince,
I dare say you lie in plain English; but there
is one will come home shortly, I trow, that
will tell you, if you be so full of the French
as I take you to be, Tu merits par la gorge .
But, good M. Libeller, and your fellows, I
know your meanings; you would fain make
malcontents , and it grieves you you cannot;
the water is so clear for your fishing, you
catch nothing but gudgeons; the great fishes
be too wary, and now you are fain to lessen
your meshes contrary to statute, being willing
to play any game rather than sit out: or I
think you have read the policy of Richard the
Third, who to give his wife a preparative to
her death, gave out first she was dead, hoping
46
AN APOLOGY.
that this corsive (cordial I would have said)
might break her heart, as it did indeed.
So you worthy members of your country
(God amend you, for I was saying the plague
take you all), when you would make malcon¬
tents, then your policy gives out first that they
be so. Oh, take heed of such a one, he is a
dangerous man. A puritan, why so? He will
not swear nor ride on a Sunday; then he wishes
too well to the Scottish church; note him in
your tables. Another is a Papist. How know
you? He said he hoped his grandfathers soul
was saved. Tush! but he goes to church.
Marry, they be the most perilous men of all.
And why so, I pray you? If they will venture
their souls to pleasure their prince, what do
you suspect them of? Oh, if they be Catholic
they are Spanish in their hearts, for he is their
Catholic king. By my fay, that is somewhat
you say; but I pray you, you that are not
Spanish but all for the French, what religion
is the French king of? Oh, no more of that;
you will answer that when Calais is French
again. Fare you well, sir.
Thomas Markham, gentleman, come into
AN APOLOGY.
47
the court, and pluck up thy old spirits. Is
not this he that should have been comptroller,
and now he is afraid rather to be controlled?
What evil hath he done? His second son grew
so great he could not find room enough in
England. Alas! poor boy, God punisheth
oft the sin of the father on the children, but
never but once that I have read of the sons
offence on the father. Is there nobody hath
a son so far off? I trow there is; and yet he a
true and worthy gentleman.
Thomas Markham, gentleman, her majesty’s
servant extraordinary, come to the court.
Why, was he once ordinary ? Yea, that he was :
ask old Hatfield men, and ask them quickly
too, for they be almost all gone. Why, man,
he was standard-bearer to the worthy band of
Gentlemen Pensioners. What! did he leave
such a place gratis ? yea, gratis the adverb.
Why would he leave it? Because it asked such
perpetual attendance. Oh, now you have
answered me; he shall be none of my jury for
that: had he so little wit? Well, sir, saith my
attorney, I pray you dally no more but take
him, for you may have a worse else: I say
48
AN APOLOGY.
unto you he is a right Englishman; a faithful,
plain, true, stout gentleman, and a man of
honesty and virtue. Out, ass! What dost thou*
tell me of these stale fashions of the sword
and buckler time? I tell thee they are out of
request now; honest and virtuous, I durst as
leave you had told me a tale of an old Jakes.
Of a JAx? Marry, that I can do too: I assure
you he loves an easy cleanly Jaxe, marvellous
well; and he is a very good fellow at the Jaxe;
for if one be his dear friend, he will let him
tarry with him while he is at his business: I
think he saith his prayers there, for I will be
sworn I heard him say oft-times, I thank God
I have had a good stool, &c. May I believe
this of your word? Yea, be bold of it, I can
prove both this and all the rest by very good
witness. Why didst thou not say thus much
at the first? I would have had him, though I
had gone to Berwick on foot for him: What!
a good freeholder, a builder, and a housekeeper,
and loves a sweet Jaxe too? though he cannot
be Alpha of my jury, yet he shall be Omega .
Come on, M. Markham, I must crave less
acquaintance of you as grim as you look;
AN APOLOGY.
41 )
did not a lady say once that I should fare the
better for that good face of yours, and God
thank her for it, so I did indeed; yet now some
will make me believe I fare the worse for it.
Be of good cheer, man: What makes you so
sad? I have commendations for you from
your old friend; Thomas of Ormond hath a mostiu>
nourable Earl,
sent you a hawk will make- you live one year true
the longer. I cannot make him look merrily
on me for all this; he sees he cannot live long,
he must think of his grave. Tush, man! though
you cannot live long, you may linger (an please
God) as others have done, some three or four-
and-twenty years yet. What say you? no life?
M. Richard Drake hath you commended, and
would have you get the queen another gelding,
for grey Markham will have his old M. fault
and fortune both; he will be old, and then they
will not care for him. Not a word yet? I will
make him speak anon. You shall have your
son joined patent with you for Bescood, if he
will come home and be a true knight to the
crown: what say you to that? Marry, gospel
in your mouth, and if he can be proved other
I renounce him for my son. Oh, have you
50
AN APOLOGY.
found your tongue now? Well, sir, I have a
suit to you; I pray you appear on my jury,
and give a good verdict of our book called m.
ajax: you know the book well enough; I
read you asleep in it once or twice as we went
from Greenwich to Westminster. Out upon
it, have you put it in print? did not I tell you
then, Charles Chester and two or three such
scoffing fellows would laugh at you for it?
Yes: and did not I tell you again that I would
laugh too, and so we might all be merry ? Well,
grim sire, let me have a friendly verdict, if it
be but for teaching you to amend a fault at
Bescood, that I felt there twenty-four winters
ago; and if you do not say well of it, I will
cause one or other that hath been at M. ajax
with you, report it in court to your disgrace;
and your Joan shall be disgraced too for tying
your points and sitting by you so homely (yet
I would I had given a hundred pounds she
never had had worse nor untruer tale told of
her); and so fare you well, good master Mark¬
ham, and God send you many a good stool.
And thus with much ado the jury was empan-
neled. Now began I to have a good hope,
AN APOLOGY.
51
nay, rather a firm assurance of my acquittal,
having got a jury of so good sufficiency, so
great integrity, so sound ability: but it is com¬
monly seen, that in matters depending in con¬
troversy, the greatest danger is bred by too
much security; for the accusation was so hard
followed, that some of the jury began to be
doubtful of their verdict, the witnesses were
so many, their allegations so shrewd, and the
evidence so pregnant. And not only the faults
of this present pamphlet, but my former
offences, which were before the pardon (con¬
trary to the due course of all courts), were
enforced against me. As first, to prove I had
wronged not only ladies of the court, but all
womens sex, they had quoted a stanza in Hary
Osto, beginning thus;
Ye courtly dames that are both kind and true y
Unto your lords , if kind and true be any;
As sure I am in all your lovely crew ,
Of so chaste minds there are not over many.
And after, in the hosts tale, worse, if worse
may be:
Now he began to hold his wife excused;
His anger now a little is relented;
And though that she her body had abused y
And to a servant had so soon consented;
52
AN APOLOGY.
Not her for this, but he the sex accused.
That never can with one man be content;
If all (quoth he) with one like stain are spotted,
Yet on a monster mine was not besotted .
And after, in the person of Rodomont ,
Ungrateful, false, crafty you are, and cruel;
Born of our burning hell to be the fuel.
And lastly, in this pamphlet to compare, or
rather to confound bawdy houses and Jakes
houses, courtezans and carters, with angels
and hermits, there were three or four of the
jury that said, the time had been, they would
have thought it no good manners. But Alpha
and Omega , that have ever thought chastity
a virtue, acquitted me at last; saying, to scorn
vice shewed a love of virtue. And for the
rest, I pleaded not only a general but a special
pardon. Yet, lest the standers by should
think I had been guilty, or that I had been
burnt in the hand for the like fact before, I
answered, that in the verse I did but follow my
author, the whole work being enjoined me as
a pepance by that saint, nay, rather goddess,
whose service I am only devoted unto. And
as for the verses before alleged, they were so
flat against my conscience, that I inserted
AN APOLOGY*
53
somewhat more than once, to qualify the
rigour of those hard speeches. For example,
against railing Rodomont , I said thus:
I tremble to set down in my poor verse ,
The blasphemies that he to speak pi'esumes:
And writing this, I do know this, that I
Oft in my heart do give my pen the lie .
And in another place, to free me from all
suspicion of pretended malice, and to shew a
manifest evidence of intended love, where my
author very sparingly had praised some wives, Mine own sub.
. auditor, verso,
I added of mine own ( ) so much as more or wife, which
you will.
I think was never said for them; which I will
here set down ad perpetuam rei mentoriam>
and that all posterity may know how good a
husband I would bethought:
Lo, here a verse in laud of loving wives,
Extolling still our happy married state;
I say they are the comfort of our lives,
Drawing a happy yoke, without debate.
A playfellow, that far off all grief drives ;
A steward, early that provides and late ;
Faithful and kind, sober and sweet, and trusty;
Nurse to weak age, and pleasure to the lusty.
Further, for the faults escaped in this fore-
v 2
^7
54 .AN apology.
alleged pamphlet, I protested I was ready to
make a retractation for their better satisfaction;
as namely, first, for that homely comparison
that I made between my lady Cloacina’s house
and my lady Flora’s nymphs, I take it not to
* hold in general, but within this exception;
except it be a very foul and deformed harlot,
or a very clean and reformed ajax.
Secondly, for the rules of taming a shrew,
that I commended for the wiser, I here protest
against that rule: for if it have not been fol-
Aristotieruied lowed within the first year or a day, it is too
by ins \ute. prove a new rule afterwards: and there¬
fore I hold it as a rule or maxim, proved by
natural philosophy, confirmed by ancient his¬
tory, and therefore may here be concluded in
our poor poetry in this sort:
Semiramis
asked leave to
rule but a
week, but you
know what
followed.
Concerning wives, take this a certain rule,
That \f at first you let them have the rule,
Yourself at last with them shall have no rule,
Except you let them evermore to rule .
At this the whole jury were merry, and
agreed all to quit me. And as for those that
articuled against me, some of them are so
AN APOLOGY. 55
tickled with this answer, as I am sure they
will never accuse me for an enemy to ladies
any more.
The next article was for abusing the name
of a great soldier, both in that being a Grecian
I make him speak in Latrina lingua , and
that having been so renowned for his valour in
wars, I would say his picture was set in so
homely a place, that it might also thereby seem
to have been called after his name in English.
Now this matter was followed very hotly by
half a dozen gallant soldiers, that never saw
naked sword out of Fleet-street; and these
came in swearing that I had touched them in
honour, and they would therefore fight with
me about it. The jury seemed to make but
light of the matter; but yet to satisfy the gen¬
tlemen, especially two of them that had been
likened to Brutus and Cassius , and called
ultimi Ruffianorum , they wished me to answer
them, which I did in this sort: I said I was
loath to fight for the justification of my wit:
and further, I could name them two honest
gentlemen that had offered M» ajax as great
abuse as this, and he had put it up at their
56
AN APOLOGY.
hands. They asked who they were? I told
them they were two of his countrymen; one
they called M. Plato, the other M. Plutarch;
of whom the one in his tenth book de Repub .
saith, that the soul of ajax went into a lion,
and the other saith, it had been as good for it
to have gone into an ass; and both agree that
it went into hell. And if reading of this will
satisfy you, I will turn you to the place, and
lend you the book in Latin or in French; for
that I think is your better language; and I
protest to you it is an excellent chapter, w here¬
in the same Plutarch very divinely sheweth
how predestination, and free-will, and chance,
may all stand together. The pox on Plutarch
and you too (saith one of these fighting fellows),
read him who list, for I will never read him:
but why should he or you either abuse a
soldiers name? Oh, sir, said I, good words I
pray you, though I dare say you wish me no
worse than you have yourself, for I know you
are a gentleman of three descents; but if that
be beyond your reading, let me come within
compass of your study: I know you have read
old Scoggin’s jests. Did not he when the
AN APOLOGY.
57
French king said he had set our kings picture
in the place where his close-stool stands. Sir,
saith he, you do the better, for every time you
look on him you are so afraid, that you have
need of a close-stool. Now, I hope I offer
ajax no greater scorn than that was, yet
thanks be to God their successors remain good
friends. This did somewhat better answer
them, but not fully. Nay, masters (quoth I),
if you stand on the punctilios with me, whom¬
soever this answer will not serve, let him send
me the breadth of his buckler (I should say
the length of his rapier), and draw himself as
lineally, from Captain Medon’s grandfather,
as I have derived ajax from Stercutius, and
I will presently make a recantation of all I Re cant are , is
1 J to sing the
have said. At last, to take up the quarrel, same song
again.
Sir M.A. and M.R.S. set down their order,
that he should not be called any more Cap¬
tain ajax, nor Monsieur ajax, but Don
ajax; and then to this second article they all
agreed, not guilty.
These swearing fellows being thus dis¬
charged, there comes a couple of formal fel¬
lows, in black cloaks faced with velvet, and
58
AN APOLOGY.
^7
hats suitable to the same; and under their
hats little night-caps, that covered their Epi-
metheus, but not their Prometheus, having
special care to keep their brain warm; yet one
of them was said to be a hot-brained fellow;
the other had no great fault that I know, save
that he would say too long a grace afore dinner;
insomuch that one of his own coat told him
one day, that if he had thought to have heard
a collation, he would have sung a psalm before
it. These whispered two or three of the
jury in the ear, and after having made a ducking
courtesy or two, bade the Lord to guide their
worships, and so went back to their chambers
at the sign of the Bible; leaving a mad fellow
their attorney, to urge the accusation they had
brought; which was in shew very sharp and
AUthatdefeud heinous, to this effect: That they supposed
aicSno me t0 be in heart a Pa P ist * Straight I searched
pSswUMh^ eve, 7 corner of m y heart, and finding no such
ami^ey'caii thought in it, I asked why any man should say
Canterbury so? I know (say I) some of you would see my
«" r jopc. Jieart Qut> yo ur wills; but for that you shall
pardon me: But this ye know, ex abundantia
cordis, os loquitur; out of the abundance of
AN APOLOGY.
59
the heart the mouth speaketh. And here I
protest to you all, I never defended any opinion
of religion, either by way of argument or
writing, that in any point gainsayeth the Com¬
munion book: let my accusers say so if they
can. Yes, sir, saith their zealous attorney, I
heard one testified viva voce in a pulpit, that
you had defended a popisli opinion, of a
second coming of Elias. And if I mistake
him not much, 1 trow, his good living grows
not so fast with his new benefice, as his good
name withers with his ill behaviour. But if
he use no better behaviour, than to tell me my
faults at Bath when I am at London, I may,
fortune, play the bad horseman, and spur him
at London for stumbling so ill favouredly at
Bath: or if I would ride like a hotspur, he
might happen like a dull jade (ass he is) be
wrung on the withers, as one of his coat was
for such a matter in the same place. It may
be he thinks he hath advantage of me, because
he can prate in a pulpit cum licentia; but he
shall see by this little, that I have liberty if I
list to reply in print cum privilegio; and my
60 AN APOLOGY.
replication may, fortune, be as forcible as his
answer.
More I would have said (for I was in
choler), but some of the jury wished me (for
satisfying the company) to tell what religion I
was of. It was a strange question to be asked
For some of me afore such a jury (considering I came not
them I hope °
are butProtes. thither to be catechised), and therefore I deter-
tants of anno #
primo Eiiz. mined to make them as strange an answer, such
as should please them all, or displease them
all ere I had done. First, I said, neither
Papist , Protestant , nor Puritan. Then all
said they would condemn me as a neuter, or
nulliJulian, except I gave a better answer.
Then I said, I am a Protesting Catholic
Puritan . Tush, say they, how can that be?
Forsooth, even thus; to believe well, to do
well, and say well; to have good faith, good
works, and good words; is not that a good
religion? Yes, indeed, so done, were very well
said. But said they, directly we expect your
answer, what you count to be true religion?
AV by then directly thus I answer, out of St.
Justus’ epistle, the two last verses, you shall
AN APOLOGY.
61
see who be of a w rong religion, and who be of
the right. Justus? Oh, saith one, by-and-by,
I think he means James; and straight he pulls
a little book out of his sleeve that looked like
Janus' picture, with two faces standing east
and west (but it was a testament bound to the
backside of David’s psalms), and turning to
the place, he read as followeth:
If a man think himself religious, not refrain- to have a bad
tongue is bad
ing his tongue, but seducing his heart, this mans religion,
religion is vain.
Pure religion and undefiled before God,
even the Father, is this: to visit orphans and James, c. i.v.
... 26 , 27 -
widows in their afflictions, and to keep your¬
self undefiled from the world.
Why then, saith one, if you profess so pure a
religion, it seems you are a Puritan. Even so.
More time would have been spent in this
matter, but that Sir H. P. told them these
things belonged to the high commissioners,
and therefore wished them to proceed to the
next.
Now for the last article, because it w as con¬
cerning only the pamplet itself, the whole
jury referred the censuring thereof to Sir H. P.
AN APOLOGY.
Judge Mark¬
ham would
have been of
that opinion
in the time of
Edward the
Third; and
judge Port-
man, your
grandfather,
in Edward
the Sixts.
Sapientis est
nihil prastare
prater cul-
pam.
62
to say if any thing therein were against the
law, because he was well seen in the law.
He told them, that indeed he had read it
more than once, and that for ought he could
observe in it, it did not in any point offend
either common or statute law. But (said he)
there is a law (as I take it) more common than
civil, that saith, things must be as they be taken.
Yet, for my part, in my verdict I would not say
any mans ears are horns; what the rest said, I
could not tell, for that 1 was sent away; yet I
overheard one of them say, he would talk with
a counsellor to inform him better of the law.
But I finding that to grow so doubtful, that I
thought to have been so clear, began now to
think it my safest course to sue for a pardon.
And with that I awaked, vowing I would never
write any more such idle toys if this were well
taken; praying the readers to regard it but as
the first line of iEsop’s Fables:
Gallus gallinaceus dum vertit stercorarium , invenit
gemmam .
FINIS.
HlgsscS
UPON
AJAX.
WRITTEN BY MISODIABOLES TO HIS FRIEND
PHILARETES.
gt Hontion:
PRINTED FOR THOMAS GUBBINS.
1596 .
MISODIABOLES THE WORSHIPFUL,
TO
MISACMOS THE RIGHT WORSHIPFUL.
MisACMOS, I have spent three days in idle
hours, to examine the months of your medi¬
tations on a loathsome ajax; and I find them
so unsavoury, as it is impossible for you to be
a saver by them: your pen hath dropped excre¬
ments, and you cannot wipe them clean with
your wit. Alas! that so long filed should so
filthily be defiled: you have spent labour with¬
out reason, and are seen for a spectacle ot
folly to those that cannot see without their
spectacles. Because the world laughs, you
think it applauds: but the most part that out¬
wardly smile, do inwardly pity. A good wit
and a gross subject, so much I allow you: but
Q 2
IV
PREFACE.
if your ambition must needs climb, it is more
comely in a courtiers habit than in a fools antique.
That I see your imperfections, I make your¬
self judge; that I pity your errors, my sparing
reproof may assure you; that I am ambitious
as yourself, I protest it with discretion; yet it
grieves me that two good wits should wrestle
for a dunghill. Come, come, witty Misacmos ,
overlook how I have looked over you. If
this April shower cleanse you, I will forbear
the tempest. For as I am German in nature
(who hate detractions), so can I be both a
Molossean and Melitean dog, as occasions are
offered me. Would Misacmos be famous?
why I yield him the means: he is a courtier in
regard, I a courtier in hope; he rich in ancient
demesne, I in good demesne; he sprightly and
witty, I diligent and pleasant; a lady blest his
children, and God and our Lady my lady
mothers sons;, he a Lincoln’s Inn man, I
belonging to Lincoln: if any odds be, he hath
the interest in money, I of reading.
Now, sir, if from the means of a privy, he
will become a public gentleman, after this
assault, let him bury his ajax in a dunghill.
PREFACE.
Then perusing his books walking in his suit
of Abrizetta, eating fat capons and venison,
and drinking pure Ipocras, let him make elec¬
tion of his readings, and choose out a probable
subject. Have with him, from a f t, to all
arts, I refuse no encounter. Let us jest like
gentlemen, argue like scholars, be pleasant
without railing; that good wits may gather
treasures from our travels, and ourselves eter¬
nity by well-deserving: If you rise by my fall,
I think my fall happy to make you rise; and
if it be your destiny to sink ih the encounter,
though the desert be wholly mine, I give you
the half of the glory. If ajax were the
froth of your wit, let it die as too weak for
my forces; and if one cullis of conceit be
left, yet play not the gormand, let the world
have part with you.
Take the choice of the weapon, I offer
every advantage: if you will strive in wit, I
am merry without detraction: but if you play
the scold instead of a scholar, I protest it will
grieve me; for I know the echo of my wrongs
will make double report in your ears: for
VI
PREFACE.
renewing my disgrace you may live in your
dishonours.
Come, let us walk through Virtue’s temple,
and so sacrifice to Honour: and if Romans
observed that custom, let Christians use it.
Otherwise, both of us may say, as the Duke
of Northumberland did to the Lord Gray as
they rid through Shoreditch, the people press
to see us, but none say, God speed us: Pauca
sapienti. I leave you to your sops and Mus¬
cadine, protesting, that if any offence come, it
shall be by your ‘seeking.
MISODIABOLES.
MISODIABOLES,
AND
HIS OPINION OF MISACMOS AND IIIS META¬
MORPHOSED AJAX.
WRITTEN TO HIS DEAR AND LEARNED FRIEND
MASTER PHILARETES.
Phil aretes, upon your entreaty and in satis-
faction of my promise, I have perused Misac-
mos and his metamorphosed ajax; and not
only pleasantly overlooked it, and laughed at
it myself, but also communicated and com¬
mended the work to the censure of many
learned and discreet gentlemen; who (to be
plain with you), after they had read and con¬
ceited it, thought it worthy no better usage
than the brides have among the Nasamones; a
people of Africa, who, the first day of their **■««
marriage, are both used, abused, and defiled
8 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
by all the guests and strangers that accompany
the festival. One said (as Apollodorus did of
Crhisippus’ works), that if other mens sen¬
tences were taken out of his book, the rest
would be fit for nothing but waste paper.
Another, that he had played as mad a prank
as the malcontented fishwife in Bouchet, who
under pretence to shame others that had
shrewdly angered her, turned up her naked
tail m the market-place to shew the dominical
letter B in her buttocks. Another said, that
Auban,ub.i. as (according to Aubanus) Ethiopia was
mountainous toward the west, sandy in the
midst, and desert in the east; so this book was
full of ostentatioh and protestation in the end,
barren in the midst, and dull in the begiiinirifir
Horace. Mo- » . ® ©*
lisum'nudata Anot “ er com pared it to Horace’ crow decked
nmi^cuiori. with many feathers. Another, to the herb
ran. Cap. n. ferula, which is only a pleasant food for asses,
but a poison to all other beasts. There were
some that said that Misacmos’ wit was lighter
m.Te ia d«o. than Archestratus b°dy; yet both Milan and
rat.cap. 8 . Athehaus say this of him: That being taken
by his enemies and weighed in a balance, he
V^'
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 9
and his prophesying spirit were lighter than a
halfpenny. All which judgments as I com¬
mend them not for true, so I condemn them
not for false, but only leave them to his defy¬
ing and defining, who would have sweetened
a jax by his wit and authority. louching
mine own opinion (because you expect it, and
the world may thoroughly know it), I will
observe Plato's law in it, and so apply my
words to the subject, that I may rather seem
an apt and modest pleasant, in writing truth,
than a foul-mouth critic in reproving bitterly
(not being untaught by Gregory , discreetly to
spare, and aptly to reprehend offences):
would Philaretes should know (because these
times expect it), that as I will forbear KacoXoyiav crcte noverit
and detraction as a fault; so (inasmuch as the resecare.
obscenity of the subject will suffer me) will I
observe svrpairtXictv (pleasant and scholarlike
urbanity), which was admitted among the Gre¬
cians, and commended in Cicero: Thus there¬
fore, in short, touching this mouldy Metamor¬
phosis, it is an affectation of singularity, a
fruit of discontent, a superfluity of wanton
10 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
wit, a madding with reason, a diligence without
judgment, a work fit for Polumnius the jester,
not Misacmos the courtier: in form, con¬
trary to all rules of science; in matter, indecent,
filthy, and immodest; and touching the autho¬
rities, they are so weak and so wrested, as no
chaste nor Christian ear may in reason endure
them: which if I prove not by reason as I
profess in words, let Philaretes disclaim me
for his friend, and Misacmos shake hands with
me for a fool; this is fair play, my masters,
when I use friends with this equality. Touch¬
ing the form, Perseus 9 scar sits in Misacmos’
?ca P Li ^. Poet fore,iead; obstenst “t obstrusam eruditionem;
he labours to shew much reading and profound
learning: and beside, that is too formal, which
is no less grace in him than it was in the nun,
who to cover her naked top from two friars
(whom she let into her monastery), hastily dis¬
covered her tail, cum multis aliis quce nunc
perscribere longum est. Shall I rip up obsce¬
nity, in words as filthy as ever Juvenal used ?
shall I say that in detracting and taxing sins,
he instructed! them? alas! no, the world sees
ULYSSES UPON AJAX; 41
it, and as the Welshman said of the comedy
before the queen, I laugh, my cousin Peter
laugh, Davy ap Powel laugh, and the queen
laugh: what a Hysteron Proteron is here taso*mi*roto*.
shew the laughing of a forced folly, a dull
jest, and his idleness. Well, on afore (quoth
the procession), hold up your torches for
dropping, we shall have more mirth at our
next meeting. Where left I? at the stool? No;
let Misacmos see to it, it was in the form; so,
so, now let us descend to the subject: Subjec-
tum circa quod, subauditur AJAX. Then
ajax is the subject: In good time, sir: but
which ajax, pray you? was it that AJAX Pela-
monius, who won honour by his courage, and
madness by his discontent; whose mind too
great for his fortune, made his passion too
strong for his reason? Poto erras ccelo, he hath
no need to be so mannerly. Oh, I conceive
him, I conceive him, he abhors equivocations;
it is a jakes indeed that he meaneth, without
all saving your reverence: Who persuades him
to this paradox? Tarlton's authority, and his
cousins encouragement.
12 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
Go to, the first died a fool for his labour,
the next may smell of it while he lives; and
howsoever Misacmos stir him in the service,
it will be but a stinking stir though he stir
whilst he stifle. I, but many have writ of
worse subject, and why not he of this? a good
reason; learnt he that conclusion in Cam¬
bridge? Faith, it shall never do him credit, no
more than did the curates argument, who
applied the authority of his horse against those
that denied purgatory.
Fie, fie, who knows not this; that an evil
custom is no instance for another to follow it?
and that it is too weak an answer in a wanton,
to excuse herself by saying, forsooth, my mis¬
tress taught it me? Men are richest in infir¬
mity, and weakest in foresight; apt to entertain
privy pleasures, ignorant to reform them; who
therefore limiteth his studies by others indus¬
tries, and rather observeth what other men do
than what he ought to do, rolleth Sysiphus’
stone to his own misery, and is foolishly diligent
to register his own infirmities.
Alas, alas, hath the good gentleman no
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
friends to tell him this; that it is better to
suffer a few to surfeit in their own sins, than
for him to communicate with them in their
courses, causes, and shame? I will talk with
his friend and mine (the chaplain of Lincoln s
Inn) about this point, and he shall inform him.
Now, sir, what is next? the pedigree of
ajax, prevented with the authority of Rab-
belais (a condemned Atheist by the last council
of Trent), and some coarse fictions (as filthy
as Jyllyan of Braindford’s f—ts); wherein (as
the vomit of a corrupt and envious mind),
Holinshed’s Chronicle hath a quip, and Hale
the old counsellor hath a lie for his labour.
Well, well, it were good Misacmos considered
this of Plautus:
Eia Lyde, leniter qui sceviunt, sapiunt magis. Bac ~
The bush that lent him a thorn to prick
them, will afford a thousand to gall him; except
he be as fat as Nichomachus of Smyrna , who Mercm^
could not feel a pin thrust into his buttocks, rat. cap. s.
or stir nor touch his back parts, he was so
gross in the belly. To the pedigree, the pedi¬
gree, for there is the mystery (the misery 1
14 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
should say, and the fruit of much idleness): tf
ii a trouve la Stercutius or Saturn , the great grandfather, St
febve au ga- 00 7
teau * how prove you this? he first brought up in fo
Italy the dunging and manuring of earth; at
ergo, he is grandfather to ajax. I deny the ai
argument. By whom shall it be tried? by the . fl
old Tuscan husbandmen at this day, and those p
in Romagna and about Rome, who being fc
taught by Saturn the trimming of their vines, h
have likewise learned to fatten their mould by ii
burning them after the time of their vintage: 1
\\ ould not this puzzle Misacmos’ invention,
Philaretes , if it were well followed? He is a
Lincoln’s Inn man, a toward fellow; Ralph
Wilbram, the pleasant witted barrister, knows
him, and for his sake, in perpetuam hominis
imbeciUitatem (memoriam I should have said),
I remit it. On a gods name, Quid novarum
rerum, w hat new matter followeth? Lies w orse
than Lucian's, which being affected are more
ill-favoured; and howsoever he understand
them, he shall not be able to stand under
omneverbiun them: Ferba otiosa, idle w 7 ords, which (if the
otiosum quod . v
loquuti fuerint apostle fail not) must be soundly answered
homines, etc. J
for; not spirando ambitionem in a Latin style.
VJ7
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 15
sed lamentando incuriam before a severe judge.
Songs worse than the Priapies of Virgil,
forbidden by Plato in his fourth book of laws,
and by the law of the twelve tables condemned
among the Ethnique Romans; a song not less
filthy than that which the Pagans used in the
primitive Church, or more prodigious than that
for which Ciril’s kinsman was condemned to
hell fire; a song wherein words are idle, want-
mg both rationem just a 1 necessitatis, et inten- ^ “jJltei cpisio!
tionem pice utilitatis; the reason of just neces- Gregory’s li-
1 . r. nutation of the
sity, and intention of godly pront. defence of
What is the hymn? suitable absurdity to' 0 " 8 '
the song; a preposterous shew of reading,
where notwithstanding there appcareth some
error (in dividing JEtius the heretic from
Jtlieos,) if ancient and ecclesiastical histories
may be believed. Touching the etymologies
of ajax, what think you of them? Faith, they
are trivial, the froth of witty Tom Watson’s
jests, I heard them in Paris fourteen years ago:
besides what balductum play is not full of
them? Nose quasi, no hose; capon quasi, cap on
(I would Misacmos would be covered): who
lives not, could not add more if he made pro-
16
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
fessiou to be idle? Rumsey, my lord of Pem¬
broke’s jester, is full of them: if Misacmos want
copy, he will instruct him. For his friend Phi-
lostilpnos (with whose name he endeth this
unsavoured induction), I would fain know his
godfathers, to chide them for his bringing up; for
he hath raised up a scent (by his encouragement)
far worse than the Pope’s legate, who brought
the last jubilee into France; who fearing the
pages (who by custom bustled about him to divide
his canipie), and suspecting treason among
them, suddenly laid that you wot of in his
breeches; enough I warrant you to feast ajax
for one meal, if he were a hungry. I am thus
pleasant, contrary to my custom, to let Misac-
mos know his own counterfeit in my glass;
using therein the customs of the Spartans, who
(to bring their children in hatred of drunken¬
ness) caused their slaves to drink great store of
wine, and in their presence to sing illiberal
and lascivious songs, and use antic and filthy
actions; knowing that example as it breedeth
encouragement, so it yieldeth and enforceth
shame. Thus much for this, Philaretes; now
descend we to the rest.
9@i0otJia&oles’ <£jcammation
OF
MISACMOS' AUTHORITIES AND ARGUMENTS.
1. Wherein lie findeth Scriptures abused prophanely;
2. Learned men approved unjustly;
3. And observations employed wickedly.
Sic tres sequuntur tria.
Nick Beamond (a witty and pleasant gallant)
being one day invited to a rich gentlemans
table, who took delight to hear himself speak,
perceiving many matters begun by him, and
no man suffered to answer, at last (with a
knock or a hem, to make the thing mannerly)
he let me a round crack that was heard
throughout the company; which the host
maching, and the rest merrily laughed at; tut, Era8mus -
tut, said he (to the gentleman), you must not
be angered, for if you will not hear us at one
end, you shall not choose but both hear and
smell us at the other.
18 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
In like sort (if not less cleanly) doth Misac-
mos handle the world, who perceiving some, his
precedent works, either by wisdom obscured, k
or reason contemned; his Ariosto bawdy, con- ®
demned by a council; his translation barren cet
alt^poet^Nec an< * serv ^ e ( such as Horace disdaineth), seeing
the World 80 ful1 of g° od wits, generally read sui
?e e rpre 3 ?m^k and applauded, and himself so unworthy as am
iiios. he cannot be heard; in a malcontented humour, rea
instead of a witty treatise, hath turned me out 4
to light his unsavoured ajax; which, how- *
soever clothed like an ape in purple (as he
himself confesseth), and perfumed with his
jests (which would make a man smell though
he were of Alexander s complexion), is worse
and more stinking than Beamond’s f—t (by it
three ounces of troy weight), though himself tc
hold the balance and poise them. For which lii
cause, how happy had he been if instead of ft
Cloacina , he had honoured and sacrificed to
Plutarch To. i. Numa’s goddess Tacit a; since in his silence
in vita Nuiuaj.
he had proved wise, where in his discourse he
is condemned for inconsiderate: and in him
rightly appeareth the misery of the curious
(and the mark of folly, whereby men were
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 19
signed after Adam’s fall), who biting his fingers,
beating his brains, losing his repose, and scant¬
ling his repast, to attain an opinion of desert
in the world, hath condemned himself in
censuring others, gathered a handful of evil
wind, to lose it in a breath of short life; being
sure to leave nothing eternal after him, but his
ambition without measure, his envy without
reason, and his labour without fruit: which,
that your judgment may apprehend, as my
words do express it, consider wisely what I
write, whilst I set down faithfully that which
I have considered.
It is Gregory’s opinion that a good work (
must have discreet eyes: and Scaliger thinks i>«m. 7.
it is the better half of the felicity in a poem
to have a good subject: for whoso employeth
his wit to invent, and his pen to set down a
frivolous matter in good words, fareth like
young children, that score out their castle in
the sand, which are defaced with every breath
of wind. Wit and folly drawing in a yoke,
reasons chariot is overturned; and a curious
workman carving a knotty timber, shall have
toil without end, for his election without judg-
R 2
20
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
ment; a crooped shoulder is a blemish, how¬
soever it be bolstered; and who paints an old
face, shall hardly hide the wrinkles.
Such a subject is only fit for a learned and
virtuous Misacmos , as in his own naked per¬
fection (like Architas the musicians lute) can
speak for his own master. Doth not he want
election, that in a whole field of corn picks
out one cockle to labour on ? and wants he not
discretion, that having a whole field of vir¬
tue before him, philosophies of either kind,
sciences of great observation, worldly casual¬
ties to increase judgment, alteration, and dis¬
position of policy (an excellent subject), had
rather with Daphydas be held a railer with
Timon de Me- Meiiedemus , a seller of trifles, with the fools
ned. llle so-
percilium toi- of the world, a loser of time, than with the
nugas,etc. learned of his coat, an honour of his country?
Alas! for this man, who taketh glory to boast
of that filthiness which brute beasts (by natural
instinct) after they have purged themselves do
cover! What judgment hath this man, that
strives to find a law of reason against the law
of reverence? Children disabled to help them¬
selves, are notwithstanding taught by their
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 21
nurses to give modest warning; and those of
discreet years (though never so unnurtured)
find many necessities of nature to be done,
that are not plainly to be talked of. A cir¬
cumlocution and a blush is sufficient to inter¬
pret a filthy necessity; whereas, he that taketh
pleasure in speaking that which infirmity
forceth, or lust draweth him to do, shall have a
tongue worse than his tail, though the worse
of the tail be the T, with his complements.
Shall I be pleasant awhile and trifle like Misac -
mos, and wax as impudent as he was that
shewed his tail to the senate, consuls, and prae¬
tors in judgment? Not, no neighbours, not so;
but as cleanly as we can (quoth the maid, when
she wiped her dishes with the dogs tail). W hat
think you of this jest, my masters? give your
opinion of their cleanliness: A certain grocers
wife walking through the streets (and holding
up her gown behind her, because the weather
was dirty), met with a merry companion, who
desirous to laugh and be fat, spurred her after
his merry manner this homely question; Mis¬
tress, said he, I pray you sell me some of your
spices whilst your hand is in the box: to whom
22 ULYSSES UPON AJAX,
she answered (trussing up her gown more
higher), Sir, if you have a months mind to
them, put your hand into the box and boldly
take them. Was not this more seemly for her
to answer, than with Misacmos flatly to have
told all to her utter discredit? What think you
of this likewise? .Did not the husband talk
more seemly that said, an old ship is always
leaky, than if he had said (in Misacmos 9 broad
language), his wife had bep—d the bed? I
could tell you more as he hath done (out of
that most learned author, the book of Merry
Tales, from whence his best jests are derived),
but that as the old Manciple of Brazen-nose
College in Oxford was wont to say; There are
more fools to meet with.
Lucius Catiline , accused by Marcus Cicero
for raising a flame in the city; I believe it, said
he, and if I cannot extinguish it with w ater, I
will with urine. Into the like intemperance is
Misacmos fallen; who having kindled a fire of
folly by publishing his filthy ajax, since he
cannot colour it with modesty, will counte¬
nance it with wrested or wicked authorities
(whereby religion is soonest ruinate). But as
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 23
the bee loseth his life by employing his sting
to wound others, so shall the world easily
perceive, that the sword whereby he defendeth
himself shall be his own death; and those
authorities and arguments (whereby he seeketh
to entangle others) are the very nets, toils, and
traps to ensnare himself.
To beat out therefore a plain path, in traeting
whereof we may easily discover his treachery,
consider awhile in JMisacmos his reason and
authorities. How approveth he the praising
or writing upon ajax? Marry, thus; men
once in twenty-four hours visit him, if they be
in health; ergo, the homeliness of the name
and praise of the same may be borne withal;
temples to be raised, genealogies to be reckon¬
ed up, etymologies to be sought, hymns and
dirges to be devised, filthy and immodest jests
to be used, &c. Non sequitur y non sequitur ,
you may be ashamed of it: Corrumpunt bonos
mores colloquia prava; evil words corrupt
good manners (saith both Paul and Menander): 8
how brooks Misacmos that counterbuff? very
easily. The intent of the speaker maketli
them bad. Pardon me, pardon me; Paul
24
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
saith the word, not the intent. Intent is the
corruption of the heart, but words the poison
of the tongue. Go to, go to; let us grant
that out of the abundance of the heart the
tongue speaketh; and that men form their bad
words according to their depraved thoughts.
Now tell me this; whether a child, young in
years, toward in apprehension, dearly beloved
by his parents, cockered by his mother, learneth
his swearing, idle speaking, cursings, and blas¬
phemies, by the evil intent, base mind, or filthy
conceit of his father (perhaps breaking out
into such impiety in his choler); or by the
words spoken, undoubtedly no ways intended
by him to deprave his child?
Indeed, that’s somewhat more than his host
told him: But let it be, let it be (said the maid
when the young man kissed her); we must
have matters of more weight to work upon
Misaemos. Now therefore consider his ground¬
work and positions. The use of homely
words, saith he, is to be borne with in necessary
matters: How proves he that? /sfliaAcompareth
our justice, panno menstruate; the Scripture
useth, Anos aureos; the psalm, percussit eos in
^7
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. AD
posterior a; Exodus of Stigma or Prepucem;
Paul of Stercora; Saul went into a cave, ut
pur gar et ventrem. Therefore Misacmos may
write of ajaxes, because a necessary matter;
write of sh—g, because a necessary matter;
let him be—e the canvas that concludes so,
though he stood to be proctor: for the words
precedent and afore alleged, as they be in the
Scriptures, are (as Misacmos implyeth and
confesseth) properly to beat down sin and
sensuality; but not rudely to be inverted by
him, in maintenance of his scurrility and
ribaldry.
For if he consider the Scriptures as he
ought, and deeply weigh with the fathers, that
the most words have their mysteries, he shall
find this dragging of verbal Scriptures (un-
christianlike into his cause) is a very prank of
Arius; Qui verba scripturarum simplicia sicuti
in eis expressa reperiuntnr, itidem ut diabolus
assimulavit. Who, like the devil, sinfully
wrested the simple words of the Scripture, as
they are expressed in the same (if Eusebius lie
not); whoever of all the fathers hath taken on
26 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
him this custom? whoever this looseness of
liberty? whoever this lightness of vanities?
mfdedo‘ct" ib * ^ u g ust ine he saith, that when any thing is
Christ, cap! 5 . found in the history of the sacred Scriptures,
that seemeth absurd or contrary to good man¬
ners, the historical sense is to be left, and the
metaphorical and mixed is to be embraced;
and the reason is, because the sacred history
containeth nothing which is not true, and con¬
sonant and agreeable with good manners: and
Summo Bono anotlier (agreeing therein with Isidorus ) saith,
Nich. i d^Bio.* °P ortet sic historiam tenere; so ought we to
Ser. 38. d. keep the history, as that we interpret it morally
and understand it spiritually: who therefore
dealeth otherwise, by the general consent of
the fathers, may be termed a rash man in
applying Scripture in that manner, which per-
verteth the nature, order, and meaning of the
same.
Alas! for Misacmos (I mean not a lass for
his bed, but alas for his folly), let him leave
his building gay privies and get him good
masters: for it is more necessary to fill the
head with true knowledge and Christian learn-
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 27
ing, than to empty the belly of loathsome
excrements. Out of this wresting, it drives
all wit out of the harmony. Then pray
Misacmos to leave it, for I swear to him he
shall never get three bishoprics in one year, as
Wolsey did for this doctrine: why this is worse
than Welsh instead of Hebrew, in Doctor
Propriums sermon.
Nemo contra unanimem consensum patrum
ipsam scripturam sacram allegare audeat (saith
the council of Trent); let no man dare
allege the Scriptures contrary to the general
consent of the fathers.
Tut, Misacmos cares not for them, they are
too precise for his purpose. Let Gregory (in
his seventh homily on Ezechiel) say the Scrip¬
ture in words containeth mysteries: let Pale-
ologus vow that the whole body of historical
Scripture is a school of moral discipline and
hidden doctrine; but he is a dunce: let
Jerome talk of anagogia, tropologia, andg.**
alleooria, which united (with history) contain
the°whole matter of the Bible: let him say
of Deuteronomy, that it is, Evangelic# legis
prejiguratio; of Isaiah and Jeremiah, Quis
28
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
potest intelligere vel exprimere? it matters not
for the words, Misacmos will abuse them, he
will dignify his ajax by disgracing your Scrip¬
ture. But hark, I pray you, Philaretes , what
super Jerome concludeth; Hceresis dicitur Greece
ab electione eo quod sibi earn eligat disciplinam
quam putat esse meliorem . Quicunque igitur
scripturam vel scripturce verba intelligit aliter ,
quam spiritus sanctus efflagitat a quo scriptura
est licet ab ecclesia non recessit , tamen Here -
ticus apellari potest. Heresy, the Greek word
(saithhe), is so called of election; because he
that is infected therewith, chooseth unto him¬
self that kind of doctrine, which in his own
opinion he supposeth to be the best.
Whosoever therefore shall otherwise under¬
stand either the Scripture, or the words thereof,
than the Holy Ghost requireth (from whom
the Scripture is derived), although he hath not
departed from the church, yet may he be
called an heretic. Let Misacmos gather how
he list upon this; he shall find the punctilio of
his honour blunted; which, trust me of set
purpose, I handle thus in clouds, without
grating him to the quick; because, as Socrates
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
29
did in Alcibiades , Effulgentem et magnum
video testimonium eruditionis et egregia indo -
Us; Let him construe this if he list, lest the
world should suspect what I mean not.
Now, sir, if we descend to Cloacina (first
deified or defied by Tatius), what shall we say?
but that in his readings he hath curiously
observed matters of less respect, and forgotten
things of most decorum . For when Romulus
and this (draught deify), the one captain of
the Romans , the other of the Sabines , were
ready to wage battle, and by the entreaty of
Hersitia and other ladies, the accord and
league of peace w r as then concluded.
A law was made in honour of them, as
Plutarch witnesseth. Ne Us prcesentibus quic-
quam obsceni deceritur; That no filthy or
immodest speech should be used in their
presence.
Now, sir, had he marked and noted this
privilege, as he w T as diligent in observing the
other, he had been more sparing in his loose
speech, being taught modesty by the very hth-
niques themselves.
And surely, I think in my conscience, it was
30
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
a chief cause why Romulus left Tatius y death
unrevenged, because he was so superstitious in
deifying a draught house.
But perhaps he hath read all this, and would
observe none of it. Then may I say with
Valerius , Quod rectum sit scit, sed id facere
negligit; He knoweth that which is right, but
he neglecteth to do it: his emblem and elegy
are pretty, and I have read far wittier and
better penned without the picture of a fellow
in a square cap, scummering at a privy.
And touching his observation of pictures,
what should I say in his commendation but
this: he hath prettily observed absurdities.
But should he pay for them as soundly as
Captain Cheville’s soldier did in Bourbonnois,
lie would beware of writing of sh—n figures
whilst he lived. Which is his next descent?
Forsooth, to poets: and who marcheth fore-
Tiree a quatre most to fight the battle for him ? Martial . Oh.
chevaux.
ho: I know wherefore he preferreth him so
much; it is because he read a chapter de cuni-
linguis to him: he is very much beholding I
promise you.
But what is this Martial ? Faith, a good
fit ill ei
speak it i
rrams oi
fc boys
lechery, i
fe hii
emperor!
sodomy,
tat as :
cuckoli
nslki
fflthin
not e
obsce
betl 1
(Mor
leamii
death 1
(Look
pleasa
let hii
so cn
good
temp
itfoi
ULYSSES UPON XjAX. 31
wit ill employed, like himself. This is he (I
speak it in his commendations) that writ epi¬
grams of Mthorts f—t—g in the capital; of Lib.».
. epig. 78-
his boys kiss: This is the encourager of
lechery, in Victor; Misacmos need not fear to
allege him about Caca canity that gloried to fill iAb.
emperors ears with flattery, bawdery, and
sodomy, vaugh spurcitiem nugas . It is pity
that as in Catalogna there is a law, that every
cuckold should pay a fine or tribute, so among
us there is not a statute that such as teach such
filthiness should be publicly punished. I will
not examine the epigrams, for they are too
obscene to be looked upon; and whoso rub-
betli stinking weeds shall have filthy fingers*
(More) ingenious, though too resolute, whose
learning deserved a better death, and whose
death w T as accompanied with heroic constancy.
(Look how this toad sucketh poison from the
pleasant wit.) But he that found the Merda y
let him take it; and he that wresteth Crepitus
so crookedly, let him use it for a gale of his
good fortune, till it blow him to Cloacina s
temple. For master Davies 9 epigram, I hold
it for prettily impure, yet two bows and a half
32
ulysSes upon ajax.
short of the clout. Heywood stuck in: and
(by the way for yourself) a Young that will be
old (saith thus) in behalf of old Young; that
except you presently put on a habit of more
conformity, if some his enemies may promote
you, you shall be the next dog that shall be
sacrificed in the Lupercalia , and therefore pro¬
vide yourself for it (except you get a better
tongue into your head, or a modester pen in
your hand). Whither now, Misacmos ? Can¬
not he who for piety is matchless, in learning
peerless, whose judgment his friends admire,
and enemies wonder at; cannot a spirit so
heavenly, a father so reverend, a muse so
sacred, escape your censure ? Stoop and shroud,
you night bird, when this sun shineth. He that
clotheth religion with simplicity and truth,
climbeth highest by his humility, groweth
learned in his zeal, and waxeth famous by his
diligence, may laugh at you (whilst like the
wolf you bark against the moon), but you
cannot bite him.
Come, come, a poor spring fed by the
ocean of his wit: a little sparkle gathered
from his divine flame; a very worm of wit, a
33
ULYSSES UPON AJAX,
puny of Oxford shall make you more hateful
than Battalus the hungry fiddler, for hxs pre-
sumption.
Italici Augai stabulum fcedumque, cloacam
A te purgari Romanaque <rxu€*xa tolli. que Hbentins^
deridet, quam
What fault is here? Forsooth, an unapt
metaphor. O gross, .peevish, and blind absur¬
dity! I challenge thee from the French to the
Spanish, the Italian to the Latin, the Greek to
the Hebrew. Run me over the whole library
of bawdery, thy legends of Atheism, and
prove me one metaphor better applied, and
thou shalt be privy to me in my next necessities.
What fitter metaphor for so corrupt tradi¬
tions as our church at this day acknowledgeth
(the church of Rome to yield)? which if it
be glorious in so sacred and matchless a maiden
princess to exhaust and overthrow, it shall be
no indignity in her to admit the metaphoi
(especially), since with such decorum and art
he hath couched it, as had More, Heywood,
and the rest observed, Misacmos might be
ashamed to allege them. And what is that,
34
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
Scaiiger Poet, think you? He hath used Juvenal’s modest either ha
Lid. in. cap.
98* moderation, including that in a Greek garment, tfretof 1
which otherwise in his own tongue would seem ifl^bul
uncomely. jeleftfoi
But in this you fare like him I have read of rjnous m(
Lege the Booke in an author of yours, who beginning to read rftheRc
of Mery Tales , w ° ° •
ife e ]earnto a certa i n work of Erasmus, entitled Moria, fe&fc
q piac e es y . our and ,iavin g such a shallow wit as Misacmos flikewi
hath, cast away the book, fearing he should iidanc
fall into some heresy because the style was so ikatv
high: I mean not that great stile in Marybone jSW i
Park, near which the two heroical and manly m dLo
knights fought their duellum; but Erasmus’ as ill as
style, which Misacmos hath prettily met with Thus
if he had some of his pith and matter. | aveex{
How proceedeth he now? forsooth, he Ie ]j as
heapeth on history. To what purpose? to ^ j
prove certain emperors murdered privily, or at
Lib. c.ronicar. a privy, or in a Jakes, or at a Jakes; yet can I ...l. ,
cum figuris. , J <
tell him this, that the Jakes Ileliogabalus ^
(the last of the Antonini) was dragged through ^
per scurras , was per cloacas by the sinks of ^
Rome, and through the streets of Rome , ^
without all paraquestions, quoth Tarlton;
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
35
neither hath his knowledge attained all the
secret of history on this subject beside Bas -
sianus, but that some of as serious observation
are left for me; as that Trajan, the last of so
famous memory, and Henry the Seventh, king
of the Romans, both died of the dysentery,
alias dictus, the laxative flux. Nebuchadnez¬
zar likewise gave Zedekiah (after he had made
him dance and play before him a long while)
a laxative drink, so that like a beastly old
fellow (as there are many such betwixt York
and London), totus deturpatus fuit, he smelt According to
3.S ill US yOUr AJAX. —I) was he,
Thus may Misacmos see that other men washe -
have examples of scent (I would say sense) as
well as he; yet will I subscribe to him the
dignity in all things.
First, I acknowledge him as deep a philo¬
sopher as Metrocles, who could never argue
without f-g- I will set to my hand that
he is well seen in a hawks muting. Lastly, I
beseech master Dalton to set up his name in
Lincoln’s Inn privy, and register him there
among the dirty writers of his time, instead of
s 2
36
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
a bastard Chronicle; because in his book
modesty is as hard to be found as adulteries
in Sparta; and this done,
O vos de Croidon , O vos de rustico Roidon:
Bibite blackjackos , per gaudio solvite sackos.
Nay, we will have verses to which a dog
shall not interpret. Here let the people
laugh, for here make I my breathing point.
JWtsso&tafroUss’ perfume for filtfjg
CONTAINING A
MAD PURGE FOR MISACMOS’ LUNACY OF WIT.
Like as a good soldier in the beginning of a
fight first sendeth out his light armed wings
to° begin the skirmish, and after bringeth on
the battle wherein consisted, the force of Ins
good fortune, so Misacmos (having distasted
us at first with certain homely fictions and
uncivil epigrams) now marcheth forth mainly
with his Tatius, Tarquin, Claudius, Vespasian,
Trajan, Prisons, and Hercules; by whose
laws, proclamations, letters, and decrees, he
laboureth to approve how carefully they pro¬
vided, and diligently employed both their time
and treasures, for the building with great state,
and the ordering without annoyances, of vaults,
common sewers, and sinks; but without a
'38
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
contradiction privies. Touching which, as I
consent with him in the three first, so with the
old dunce ( Johannes de Portu Hibernico),
Credo quod baud , concerning the last. For
though (besides Dolabella’s caution , the office
of trium hominum , and many of that kind) I
find care and diligent provision made for the
common sewers, yet in particular name I am
sure (except Misacmos himself be interpreter)
his foul-breath’d ajax was never provided for.
But I see now it fareth with him as with
subtle sophisters, who wanting matter to work
upon, do cavil upon words: for what signifieth
this Cloaca , on which he so much worketh?
fetch him Cooper (that learned father of famous
memory), his Thomas Thomasius (a diligent
furtherer of good studies); not with, fie, fa,
fough, a smells, but in plain dealing. What
say they of Cloaca? a channel, a gutter, a
sink of a town, Cloacaleflumen; besides (as
U/pian testifieth) there was Cloacarium , a
certain fee or scot paid to these tres homines,
the surveyors of the common sewers, unless
therefore (as in talking of all kinds of grain)
we set down rye. For all military and soldier-
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 39
like furniture, we nominate a dagger; so for
all sinks, sewers, and vaults, Misacmos use a
privy, he shall get no more fame for this than
Erostratus for burning Diana’s temple. Well, ^ r p a ™“ eg
God’s blessing on his heart; he is a toward
young man, and hath great cause to thank
God for his knowledge (like the old dunce in
Brazen-nose College in Doctor Calmer’s time);
who coming from a school among certain
sopliisters, from a certain quodlibet, with a
great sigh thanked God that now at last after
seven years study in the Predicabiles he could
define proprium. Now, fie upon it, fie upon
it what is this to ajax? you trifle, you are
fond; marry, that’s true. Well, if this please
him not, let him stay till a second digestion
and he shall have, Assets inter mains,
assurance to prove how well I mean him.
Alas! alas! how much I wrong him. Believe
me, P hilar etes, I am sorry for my negligence;
shall I forget his succinct collection of history,
his compendious and apt observations in the
emperors lives? God forbid! nay, you shall
have right Roman courage in me; praise for
40
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
desert, though otherwise his professed reprover
in folly. What note? what note? Why thus
much touching his succinct observations out
of the emperors lives; I say (as Tally did of __
Demosthenes* oration), I like that best which Miami
is longest. Yet for all this the world appre- ^
hendeth his indiscretion; who trapping an ass
in golden furniture, suiting a coarse subject in Whol
lich ornaments of learning, hath approved his Msurfei 1
great wit and little wisdom. not taB
How more happy had it been for himself, nose,
and more honourable for his profession, to have
have observed the custom of the Venetians colleg
and Germans: the first of which banish bas- comm
tards from their councils; and the next vouch- agoos
safe no degree of learning to any of them in she w
their most famous universities. an ox
Now if in example of these, if his sentences Jflen
of condign merit had been answered with an m
apt, appropriate, and fit matter, nulla publica were
Vai. Lib. v. laudatione indweret (as Valerius saith of fetor
cap. 2.
Romulus ), his praise had been general; but soar
in that cleaving to rashness (the enemy of yer,
endeavour), and forsaking discretion, which as the
tier
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 41
Anthony the father said, omnia laudabili fine
concludit, endeth all things laudably, he hath
betrayed his own fame to infamy .
Etiam turn vivit cum esse credos mortuam.
Which then survives when thou believest her dead .
Who liveth, of any reading (were he content
to surfeit in his folly), that with Aretine could
not talk of Narnia, with another of a red
nose, with Perieres of a pye and Piaux ? I
have seen an oration made in praise of a
college custard, and very much written m
commendation of an ass. Who in commending
a goose could not bring in Plutarch, to prove
she was sacrificed to Juno ? or in talking of
an ox, could not say it was the stamp the
Athenians put on their money? say a man
were so foolish to make a book of lousiness,
were it not possible for him (that had read
history) to bring in Sylla, lousy; Acastus, the
son of Pelius, dying lousy; Mutius the law- »**■
yer, Emus the fugitive, lousy; Amolphus
the emperor, lousy; Pharecides and Cahs-
thenes, lousy? Or if this subject seemed too
42
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
nitty, what say you to Joubert and his book of
laughter? the common place of f—s (handled in
Bouchet), in helping a gentlewoman of the colic ?
Tut, and I were set on a merry pin, I could
write in praise of spindleshanks, because Ger-
manicus had such; and in commendation of
P-g> bringing out of Valerius the story of
the Cretans , who besieged by Metellus drunk
their own p—s.
How vain a vein is this. Nay, how vain is
Misacmos in his vein. Trust me, the very fear
to hear of this folly were sufficient to make
the dumb son of Crassus to cry out mainly.
How indecent is it for a man, in years stayed,
in birth noble, in fortunes rich, in friends mighty,
to be so poor only in his discretion.
Better had it been and more worthy Misacmos 9
learning to have digested custom into a volume,
and made a treatise of observations, wherein
as especial and with more decorum (than he
conceited) he might write how the privy that
Arrius died on, was hanged up ever after for
a perpetual monument, till those of his heresy
(to extinguish the indignity thereof) raised and
built a sumptuous house in the place.
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
43
He might gather out of Sigonius, how
capital it is amongst the Turks to dispute on
the laws of Mahomet, where amongst us here
in England it is too common a custom to
break ours.
Besides, if he would be pleasant, and set
down Ethnic’s heresies, what lets him to
remember, that among the Turks it is an heresy
t0 p__ s standing; and here m England, m
Casar’s time, it was a prophane thing to taste
a hen; where now a days, it is good fellowship
both to steal and to roast it.
He might likewise seriously observe Diago - J
ras’ banishment (who more modester than
Misacmos), only wrote that he knew not the
Gods; where he both knowing and reading the
laws of God and (which is most to be abhorred)
a Christian, taketh a felicity to pervert them.
But such is the custom of the world, and
so blind the elections of men, that the most
ePP k out the poisons of wit to corrupt the
44 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
But return we to Misacmos' teshe, I long to
hear his conclusion: Forsooth, and please you,
the last part of his learned treatise is the man¬
ner and means how to build clean, handsome,
and necessary privies; not altogether of M.
Dalton's built, whom he handles (as Horace
did Maecenas) scarce cleanly for his courtesies,
but with hydraulic engines as it seems (the
manner whereof he hath borrowed from Vitru¬
vius, or else taken some pattern from a travel¬
lers mouth who hath seen the Cardinal of
Ferrara's buildings at Tivoli ); and truly of
all his book I hold this the cleanliest; since
having devised and deified a goddess so filthy,
he hath at leastwise found a cleanly convey¬
ance to wash her face when she is too slovenly.
But if with his patience I may speak, and
by your courtesies be heard, Philaretes, I dare
promise a form, and prefer an invention, where
(by the help of wind, as he by water) I will
build you a privy, without Houlden's wifes
privy fault, that shall neither f—t, foist, nor
stink, as she doth in her sleep; and how sav
you by that, sir?
ULYSSES UPON AJAX
46 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
Marry, sir, my privy shall be a round (one of
the five regular bodies in geometry), built like
the tower of Babel, and upon vaults too, well
tarrass’d after the finest fashion: now for the
tunnel, I mean to raise it in the midst, provided m
that divers doors and windows shall be made
on every side, that if never so little wind blow
(if a man be weatherwise) he shall be able to g were
empty his belly without diseasing his nose: et ^ w
jiet , say I (like the old end of a doctor’s bill): Wd (
I, but how if no wind blow ? marry, then the h\$
poor millers in Moorfields would be bank- somewl
rupts for their rents; and the witches to the Ifl, or
northwards shall sell no merry gales to sailors chargee
for their money. Let me not jest it out, it is ends, a
a very great fault in my Colfabus; but thinks mil a v
Misacmos that he can escape me? no, marry lias, f
can he not as long as there is a scape in my clothes,
belly. Now what fault, a God’s name? bar
Forsooth, he hath provided no seemly glass By
windows to his ajax; and by that means he ^uld
bringeth those that shall have use of it into a ^
great inconvenience, and that shall I shew by
an example (and the rather), because exempla
illustrant non probant. A certain gentleman Qott ]
47
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
of England going to Bocardo to do save
reverence, and having his quiver well furnished
to offer on Cloacina’s altar, after he had read a
lecture of untruss, claps me a Corpus cum
causa, on the face of Don ajax; who dark-
ning all the house with a frown of his fury,
made the poor gentleman groan and grin till
he were disburdened. Now, sir, the privy
dark, and he in the heat of his service,
behold (hold B, I should have said) a maid
of his being sick of Trajan’s disease, and
somewhat laxative, not staying the Qui veux
la, or the word, but having her piece ready
charged, lets fly into her masters lap at both
ends, and set both her windmill and water¬
mill a working. Out whore (quoth the master)!
Alas, lie upon me (quoth the maid)! new
clothes, cries he with a vengeance; away runs
she bare-a-d without wiping.
By this example, it were good Misacmos
would bespeak masons and glaziers; lest sitting
at his ajax in great meditation on his elegy,
a maid of his should serve a lattitat on him
and the label in his bosom. How say you? is
not this worthy deep consideration, Philaretes;
mm
48
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
Continuation especially in so cleanly a gentleman as Misac-
Tliat is, as neat
as Licon in his mos y What, like you my advertisement? then
apparel, and
as mannerly as have at it for another bout: and what is that?
the country
the n Abb^t hom Marry, it standeth very much with the judg-
£Sd of IS ment °f Misacmos to alter this element of
rChe^cT water (and if it were possible); and the reason
t!!!" abbots m is, lest some of Flora's handmaids (having
dish, desired .
his lordship Lot s wifes sickness) look back on that she let
that she might
thrust her a e fall in the water. Why, what of this? marry,
into his sauce. J
not a nihil a dangerous thing; for since Fa qua per
medium aqua apparent , grossiora videntur;
such things as are seen in the water seem
greater; it is to be feared lest the poor soul
should take a strong imagination, and commit
more trust to her belly than she can digest
by her back parts. Yet another, it must be
ordered (or taken order by Misacmos ) that his
ajax have a door with a spring lock, lest
some gentlewoman going to speak with her
maid in privity, have as ill fortune as a pretty
wench in my country. Would you know r how
it was, and what it was? under promise you
will shew ( Misacmos , my good friend) how it
happened, I will instruct you. A certain
nobleman of England having two necessary
-
ULYSSES UPON AJAX
49
delights that accompany great fortunes, viz.
a fair house to dwell in and a fool to laugh at;
thinking it a decenter thing in him to chase
his jester, than for Socrates to play with Lam- Mexiasei.
procles, Agesilaus to ride on a reed with his
son, and Architas to play with his servants,
one day in a merry and pleasant vein, diove
him up and down from chamber to chamber
(making him smart with a rod he canied in
his hand), till he forced him into a necessary
place where the close-stool stood; where the
poor ass finding a wench at the privy, and
very willing to defend himself, because he was
shrewdly pursued, he took her boldly in his
arms (her clothes about her ears) and bare it
single on her buttocks. Now, sir, here grows
a qucere and a caution in this place; the
queer it ur is, whether if the poor wench had
called on Cloacina for help, her goddess-ship
could have delivered her? the caution , that
henceforth both Misacmos (and whatsoever
builders) provide them locks and doors to their
ajax; lest some coy dame, that fears to walk
abroad without a mask, be suddenly scratched
and jerked over her face that hath no nose.
T
50
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
Ovid, 1. Eleg.
Impia sub dul-
ci melie vene-
na latent.
Is not this gay geer, Philar etes ? have I not
matched Misacmos at his own game? Believe
me, believe me, I blush as I write, yet I write
to make men blush. For from my soul I pro¬
test, and to the world I publish it, that as the
compounders of Mithridate (before the whole
body of the Venetian senate) shew their simple
poisons to make them known, and as the
quacksalvers in Germany swallow spiders in
open assemblies to shew the virtue of their
confections, so to let the world know the poi¬
son of lewd language, to bring that in hate
which is now swallowed with too secure
delight, I have swallowed these morsels, which
religion should not digest, and rather opened
the cave to discover a serpent, than to suffer
men headlong to post to hell on the back of
uncivil pleasures:
Ilelleborum frustra cum jam cutis cegra tumibit ,
Posccntes videos, venienti occurrite morbo .
Prevent thy griff in despei'ate estate:
Too many seek for remedy too late.
Thus far, Philaretes , hath thy friendship
and Misacmos 9 errors enforced me; yet this
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 51
stile, and one field more, and thou hast brought
me home where I would be. Come, come,
though the highways are dirty, the fields are
delightful; and a little close, of compass, may
have many trees of pleasure.
Methinks, I see thee wonder what story I
have to tell thee, and smile to thyself like
lean Cicero at the just reproof of this Cotta:
Hark in thine ear; JMisacmos is a Satire , a
quipping fellow. But, sirrah, wdiat if with the
merry lord in Homer , I should play the mad
fellow, and aim at his Ulysses’ head and politic
pate with a neats foot? Dost thou request me
to do so? why mine honest friend I will dis¬
patch it quickly. But how? marry, I shall
talk to him thorough thy letter; and teach him
plainly which I have observed out of that
French secretary; Que le trop wider rouge mTjrahio,
les os de V esprit, jusques aux moelles de V igno¬
rance; that too much presumption gnaweth
the bones of the spirit even to the marrow of
ignorance : and that when as malice and en\ y
coupled with presumption and ignorance, bark
against the modesty of the virtuous, the fire
reflecteth to burn those that kindle it; lighting
T 2
52 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
those that are detracted from the ruins of the to cow
malicious, till they have attained both the path reason
and possession of honour. Believe me (ill alter it.
christened as thou art by thy Greek godfather), thou ai
as to reprehend justly, requireth a due discre- artful
tion, so to detract injuriously, in a great man, PflA
is a stain of honour; in a learned, a note of contem
irreligion; in all sorts, a plague of nature, Milder
rising from the thought of a corrupt, unbridled, id over
and sinful heart. How much better matter fury >
luidst thou to remember, if thou hadst read fortiti
much? and what a thing oughtest thou sooner nence
forget, if thou regard society? unsea
But thou wilt say I have taxed none but his an
such as deserve it: and yet I tell thee (and flatter
therein tax thine indiscretion) that except subjei
thou hast corrected privately, before thou and it
hast disgraced publicly, thou art a good bounty
Aristarchus , but an ill Christian. I prithee a lov<
look back into the ages, and let my pen help Pedro
thy memory; and in the face of other mens honou
faults read thine own infirmities. Whom hath his it
glory raised so high, that envy could not aim obtaii
at? or virtue made so temperate, that misfor- f r
tunes could not torture? Whoever had felicity ii lD1
r
TIT
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 53
to counsel, without weakness to fall? or his
reason so strong, that his passion could not
alter it? Alas, Misacmos, it is a misery of wit
thou art fallen into; wherein the more thou
art fouled, the more thou art filed. Emilius
' Paulus, the admired for constancy, yet was he »£££*■
contemned in poverty: Alexander, the worlds vic0 -
wonder, though praiseworthy for his clemency
in overcoming Darius, yet hated in his drunken
fury when he murdered Clitus; so that his
fortitude, liberality, magnanimity, and conti¬
nence, grace him not so much, but that his
unseasonable banqueting, inordinate excess,
his ambition in suffering the applause of his
flatterers, his injuries to Calisthenes, make him
subject to detraction: Alcibiades, a flutterer
and inconstant, but that his magnificence and
bounty redeemed those disgraces: Agesilaus,
a lover of his citizens, yet suspected of
Pedrastria with Megabates; neither was his
honour so great in contemning vain things, as
his infamy deserved in using all impiety m
obtaining kingdoms.
Crassus, covetous in fortune; yet constant
in misery. Demetrius, constant and liberal;
54
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
yet pompous, prophane, and lecherous. Cato , DieDS
the censor of men (for all his severity), had not back
so strong a shield of his continence, gravity, hath
fortitude, and perseverance, but that being f°ral
studious to accuse others, he was accused him¬
self of contempt of philosophy, hate of phy- ' he,bu
sicians, praise of himself, and inhumanity in ^ set
his behaviour; nay, they wrote this epigram of a j ust
him which followeth, *
noei
Rufus mordaces solitusque illidere dentes, A
Omnibus et glaucus Porcius ut periit; ^
Ipsa timens scevce rabiem Proserpina lingua,
Ullum ei apud manes noluit esse locum, be a
won
Why press I further where these few may me,
suffice me? and what may not Misacmos sant
observe, if he digest this considerately? If all moo
these in the brightness of their honour had N
some blemish and infirmity, what privilege ere
hath he far inferior to the worst of them? if give
he be not exempt from error (as I know he is w ha
not), but that either passion devoureth him, p en
ambition o verhaleth him, intemperance seduceth non
him, and a thousand other imperfections attaint you
him: why is he so ready to breath out other use
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 55
mens reproaches, where the satchel behind his
back hath sins enough in it to blast him with ? *»*<• «*•
hath he a lock for all mens tongues? a bridle
for all mens pens? or impudency to outface
all disgraces? Cicero was more eloquent than
he, but counted a babbler; Demosthenes more
wise than he, yet known for a coward; Socrates
a just man, but accused of impiety; Cities
dies mihi deficeret quam oration there were
no end if I should prosecute this.
All life whatsoever is but a chaos of infir¬
mities; and whoso will reprehend, must either
be a god amongst men without fault, or a by¬
word to men for his foul tongue. Fie upon
me, whither am I grown? Misacmos is plea¬
sant; why then in a pleasant and a merry
mood let us have liberty to talk with lnm.
Nay, first let us shake hands, as fencers do
ere they play their prizes; for I am sure to
give the Feme, I feel my fist so nimble. But
what weapons? what weapons? faith, with a
pen in one hand and a paper book in another :
none better; have at you, sir; I would wish
you keep your footing. Why, how will you
use me? Faith, as the milkmaid of Hackney
56
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
used that most witty and learned master Fleet-
wood, Recorder of London (and that was
scarce mannerly); and how it was (without
any further interrogatives) I shall presently tell
you.
This honest gentleman walking for his plea¬
sure from London towards Hackney, by chance
(at the very towns end) heard a bird of May
sing; I think you call it a cuckoo. Hereupon,
looking round about him to spy out some one
to break his bitter jest upon, he encountered
by good hap with this maid; whom suddenly
and pleasantly he bounded with this question;
Maid, quoth he, who is this that sings so mer¬
rily; is it the Vicar of Hackney? no, forsooth,
said she, you mistake yourself, it is the Recorder
of London (a foul on her for a lying quean,
how unmannerly she was). Well he digested
the matter like a wise gentleman. Now in
like manner must I try your patience: was it
you that translated Ariosto ? I, marry was it,
sir. In faith, you had been better to have set
your legs before it than your arms; for the
lines are very gouty, and too untoward to climb
Helicon. What, are you angry at this jest?
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 57
For shame, be patient; you have used a doctor
far worse, and therefore look for ill chieving. Juvenal Lib.
I, but you set your arms before it, lest after condon^oon-
you were dead, cities and countries should ^ tl p U "a S u ? m
strive for you as they did about Homer: fear
not that man; for what between C loacina s
temple, the stationers pasteboards, the grocers
and chandlers spices and mustard pots, your
books shall be outworn in your age, I warrant
you: only if some survive by the mercy of a
friends library, the after world shall rather pity
your lost time, than commend your diligence.
That is for master Dalton's sake, and I pray
you so take it.
Now for master Plat, mine old and honest
friend; Why, what of him? His life in all
mens eyes so upright, his birth not to be con¬
temned, his study for the commodity of his
country, you have lewdly gibed against him
being a gentleman of your own society, and
so jested at his coals, that you deserve to be
burnt with them for your labour. Bona verba
qiueso: nay, you shall not so scape it. Should
a man (because the fishmongers boy saw you
in a goodly gay velvet cloak, and on your
58 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
footcloth, and jestingly said as you passed by hone
him through old Fish-street, that you sat on masl
your horse like a sloven on a close-stool) that aref
therefore your writing in praise of ajax was of p
fore-prophecied? or (to use Charles Chester’s be [
jest, because you are faced like Platina) would Fieri
it not anger your heart-strings, if a man should other
say that you look like a sturdy hostler that boldl
could gird a mare till she f—t again?
Truly, it were unseemly to use a gentleman
of worth so grossly : now if injuries to your- thii
self, disgraces to your own person, gibing at trut
your own writings, so mightily move you, ima- j s f
gine that in others which you feel in yourself; ^
and if you take felicity to hear well, remember j
carefully hereafter to speak well. j ate
But I forget myself, I forget myself; there V0l(J
is a pad in the straw', there is matter in it, said men
the hostler when he felt his horse's back; there y
are reasons of discontent which have moved ^
this disaster betwixt master Plat and you; I,
marry be there, sir; he is a seducer; his coals rea5
Cornelias are like the alchemists elixir , much talked of,
Agrippa de 7 YOU
vanit. scient. but never brought to pass: You deceive your¬
self, Misacmos , and I dare swear it by as much i
59
ULYSSES UPON AJAX,
honesty as you can pledge me, that the coals
master Plat maketh profession of to devise,
are possible to nature, not contrary to the rules
of philosophy; even now this term ready to
be proved by a demonstration; so that as
Fierovanti said to the Galenists of Italy, and Fieroyant,
.Lib. i. capri-
other chemical fellows, master Plat may dj
boldly urge against you; mine is the effect,
dispute you on the cause. I, but your judg¬
ment (say you) apprehendeth not any such
thing; and for that cause you will jest at a
truth, in that you suspect it a falsehood. Here
is fair play, Misacmos , and I offer you the
challenge.
Draw the quintessence of your wit, capitu¬
late all your readings, make an abstract of
your experiments, and set me down what argu¬
ments you can against these coals, and you
shall see me make you carry coals till you fall
tout plat for your labour. For your conjec¬
ture of stale and cow-dung, it stands not with
reason you are misinformed, and it were good
you were reformed; learn a truer fcvcdo, and
we will sing a kinder salve to you.
If you still brave it till your conceit be
60
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
blunt, I will steel it with reason; and though
master Plat’s maid hath colted your intelli¬
gencer, that would have wrought the secret of
these coals out of her, under pretence of a
wooing dance (for which cause you are waxed
so tetchy), I will use you more honestly; and
not only instruct you like a probable disputer,
but with as good pillars as all sciences do
consist on, I mean demonstrations (as sound
matter as Aristotle’s Posteriora , I warrant
you); I could use Tar It on’s jest upon you
touching the secret of Barley; who (attending
one day at a great dinner on Sir Christopher
Hatton , Lord Chancellor, deceased) by chance
(among other pretty jests) gave him unadvisedly
the lie; for which the honourable person mer¬
rily reproving him, instead of submitting him¬
self, he thus wittily justified: My lord (said
he), is it not a custom when a prince hath
spoken any thing note worthy, to say he hath
delivered it majestically ? Again, when you that
are monsieur s, my lords , excellencies , alt esses,
and such like, speak any thing; say not the
assistants straightways, he concluded honour¬
ably? Nay, in every estate, if either noble,
61
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
right worshipful, worshipful, gentle, common,
honest, dishonest, poor or rich, sick or whole
(et sic ad infinitum ), speak any thing; doth
not the world conclude straight, that they have
spoken nobly, right worshipfully, worshipfully,
gently, commonly,honestly, dishonestly, poorly,
richly, sickly, wholly? Nought without a lie,
my lord (quoth Dick Tarlton ), nought without
a lie: he that therefore pays it with a frown or
a stab, forgetteth himself. But thus will I not
use Misacmos , lest he that stands so much on
his points, should point me out with his poniard;
only this will I say (and that modestly too), as
Tully did of Viconius and his children, and
(E) only deducted:
Phccbo hand sinente hie seminavit libros.
Plutarch in vi¬
ta Cice. To.
iu. fo. 52.
Which is as much as to say, as the man had
been happy if his book had lain stinking in
his study. But here, methinks, I spy a worse
than Enthimian misery fallen upon you (who
abusing the Corinthians in jest, was plagued in
earnest); for in discoursing your monopoly, your own
wherein you angle for nothing but carps to nS-j*«
feed other men with, you not only wax too
bitter a curser of your betters (a fault worse stow.
62
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
than Burdet’s, and it were pity it should be
expiated with his destiny), but you privily
gird likewise at patents (I mean not the father
and the son, both witty and learned gentlemen)
t observe not who (as I am inspired) are the very genii and
Agesilaus’ law m J 0
here, Difictie good angels in furthering your best studies;
coldly but tbose P atents which being privileges granted
which V mi g ht b y a prince, fruits of her royal prerogative,
like wax. rewards of her trusty and honourable servants,
acts for humble subjects to receive with thanks,
not to examine according to their own shallow
judgments, private laws in being privileges,
(as both the legists and schoolmen determine)
are not grossly to be jested at, carelessly to
be disgraced, or fondly to be dealt withal.
Beware of this, good Misacmos, I wish you
as a friend; and if hereafter you mean to jest
publicly, and force your wit to stem the stream
of the worlds judgments, use Pericles’ custom,
piutarch. who determining to speak any thing publicly
desired the immortal gods that no improvident
word should pass his mouth.
Away with this serious talk, let us turkish
this text into a merrier colour. One turn
from Leadenhall-corner into Gracious-street,
63
v!7
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
and so have with you to Westminster. Why
into Gracious-street? Because of all streets
in London you have thought this the best
market to make proclamation of cuckoldry.
Now, sir, what John of himself, or John by
constraint know you there, that hath inheritance
in Cornhill, whom you so prettily entitle to
Hornden? Mum budget, not a word. In an
inventory of such household stuff it is ill
falling to particulars, such universal proposi¬
tions or prepositions require no instance. If
a gentle wench have invited you to a banquet
of turnups, be not too talkative; lest suiting
yourself in pure rash your love repent her
lying abroad, and you your speaking too
broadly. In handling your common places,
shut up your tongue; lest being Plenus
rimarum (as Parmeno said of himself), you Teretu
be narrowly looked into. O Misacmos , since
all men may be cuckolds, actu vel potentia , it
is dangerous to talk of them; but if you will
needs bite on this morsel, beware to be offen¬
sive ; for to general terms none but the guilty
take exception. Should I play at this weapon,
what should let me to hit home, and yet observe
64 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
the laws of humanity ? Shew wit without prof¬
fering wrong.
As thus in a pleasant irony, to disfigure a
householder in a figure: The man hath a
great charge, and therefore this dear year it is
Amaitheas’ good having cornucopias in his household .
of plenty, or This is a jest without gall, and this no less
otherwise
plenty ofhom. pleasant than the former. If it be true that
physicians say, that the perfume of horn is a
sovereign medicine against the pestilence; hozo
happy shall many mens neighbours be that
have horns of their own to burn and drive the
plague out of their chambers.
This is a form I inform you of, because I
know some exceptions taken against your other
deformed observation. Mend it, mend it, or
burn your books, as the desperate Zanthians
Aliasdictusa did their city; lest from the Babel of your
Babie. pride, men say you derive your babbling.
Hark what a tale I heard in Gracious- street,
of an ungracious turn, which was returned
upon a gentlewoman.
A pleasant wench of the country (who
beside Chaucer’s jest, had a great felicity in
jesting) encountered in a morning with a far-
65
^7
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
mer of her husbands, -who came that Michael-
mas-day to pay his quarter’s rent (beside a
dozen of powtings for my landlady, his mis¬
tress), seeing him scrape his courtesies afar
off, and very loath to come near and salute
her, pleasantly said thus; Come near, Thomas;
be not afraid, I neither fling nor bite. The
poor fellow (gathering heart of grace on this
encouragement) returned her this answer: Bith
mass, mistress, and you be so gentle, you are
the fitter beast to be ridden: here is quid pro
quo; a gird for a gibe: beware of mocking
plain fellows, lest after this sort in plain terms
they thus mock you.
Go to, Menippus in wit; God keep you Dfeigtj-*
from his fortune. Use citizens well; and r—^
though you be as familiar with some of their •>“ «*“*•
wives, as Tulip’s epistles, yet to the husband
read nothing but his offices, lest they prefer
you to an office or officer. 1 have to talk
with you for the Markhams too, my worthy,
worshipful, and beloved friends; and therefore
•prepare new weapons: for I must wring you
for wronging them. Though their desert can
outlive your disgrace, yet shall your disgrace
u
66
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
live by your disgracing them; get therefore
the grimsire to seal you a pardon of course,
or my second course shall be so current, that I
will course you out of breath; these are but
easy tricks, as wrestlers use before they begin
their utmost. The other shall be laboured
like your own; as ready to move laughter, as
Naphtha to take fire; which till you meet,
make a register of your best conceits, for I
mean to make trial of the utmost of your
learned courage. Enough of this, till the
feast of enough follow. They say, once
warned, well amend; thank me kindly for
these courtesies.
What remaineth now, but in few words to
counsel Misacmos: first (if he pretend to jest),
to observe the custom of the Spartans, in
avoiding scurrility; next, in the modest car¬
riage of his words, to become an Athenian;
who had a custom to cover and colour obsce¬
nities and filthiness, with apt and decent names,
according as Solon taught them. A lubber
to cry, Mother, go cack, when he is able to
truss himself, is indecent. Remember what
your grandmother taught you, Misacmos , and
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 67
make your books more mannerly. Lastly, in
correcting, learn of Plutarch to do all things piutarchin
vita Alexand.
in way of commiseration, and not in contempt:
for who reproveth in derision, defaulteth in
humanity and judgment. To be short, instead
of the salt of bitter language, let Misacmos
learn to seek the salt of wisdom: for as the
one is fretting, galling, and a sucker of blood,
so the other (as saith Gregory ), Acquiritur per
pacem , is gotten by peace, breedeth peace,
nourisheth virtue, instructeth error, and maketh
the life savoury, which appeareth in that of
the Evangelist Mark; Habete in vobis sal , et
pacem habebetis inter vos; have salt among
you, and you shall have peace among you.
To conclude with Misacmos , let me teach him
two receipts, and so leave him. First, to avoid
evil smells, let him get him a clean tongue and
a sweet breath, for that is pleasing to gentle¬
women ; let him use the incense of prayer, to
kill the stinking venom of serpents lurking in
his heart; let him put less wormwood in his
ink, and more continence in his thoughts; and
if his tongue will not leave clacking, let him
learn to light the candle of charity before him,
68
ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
as gardeners are wont to set lamps by lakes’
sides, to put croaking and troublesome frogs to
silence. Finally, to purge his lunacy of wit,
Trincavei de I neither prescribe him turbith, agaric, sarco-
usu med.
Lib. i. cap. 14. cola, nor a dram of scammony, according to
Dioscorides; neither rhubarb of Pontus, nor
manna of Calabria, but an ounce of good
thought, mixed with a scruple of Pythagori-
cum silentium , which shall so purge him of
ambition, heal the inflammations of his tongue,
and exhale the venom of his heart, that when
he next meets me, he shall say, I am the hap-
Bouchet au piest of physicians (of whom Bouchet jestingly
speaketh in the presence of a bon drole or
francatripe); that the sun beholds their good
cures, and the earth covereth their grievous
faults.
Thus kindly leave I Misacmos with his cure;
which if he requite with choler, let him resolve
himself, that I have wit and learning enough
car je pcnse- to make him as tame as Crassus 9 lamprey. For
ptus^tou- having truth on my side, and diligence my
angc au service
de la vertuque friend, I neither fear his grim looks nor his
jeneferaiala ' °
suite de vice. Martial's pen. Let him write never so soon,
Bouchet au * 7
7 ” e * I will become novus homo , a new man (with
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 69
Cato), rising from obscurity to fame by his piot&rch in
disgrace, and so I leave him. For thee, Phi-
laretes , and thy friends, I end in heartily com¬
mending me: and since I am assured of your
well meaning, you may boldly command my
service. But even here in shutting up of my
letter, a merry jest encounters me which I
must needs tell you. Henry the Eighth in his
youth, a prince of famous memory, riding a
hunting in grass time, with certain of his nobles
and familiars, by chance made towards a gen¬
tlemans park of good estimation and reckoning,
whom he highly favoured; where (finding the
park gate locked, and being very desirous to
enter) he set his horn to his mouth, and merrily
winded it to call the keeper. Sir Andrew
Flamocke (a valiant and quick witted gentle¬
man) standing hard behind him (and that very
instant troubled with the colic), even at the
very time the king drew his horn from his
mouth, lets me fly a rouncing F from his T.
The king looking back, and angerly asking
who it was that durst be so beastly in his
presence? Sir Andrew (after a low congee)
made this answer: If it please your majesty,
70 ULYSSES UPON AJAX.
you blew for the keeper, and I blew for John,
the keeper’s man. Now to allude this, Phi-
laretes, in this sort conceit me. For those of
thy faction that kindly interpret, courteously
accept, and friendly protect my pleasures, I
commit the kingly blast of encouragement; I
mean the matters of weight, worth, and discre¬
tion. For the rest, that captiously desire to
pry, carelessly to condemn, and injuriously
detract, I commit the filth, worse than Sir
Andrew Flamocke’s f—t, to their digesting.
And so to Tarlton’s testament I commend
you; A little more drink, then a little more
'bread; a little more bread and
a few more clothes; and
God be at your sport,
M. Tarlton.
MISODIABOLES.
FINIS.
REPRINTED BY C. WHITTINGHAM.
AT THE CHISWICK PRESS,
M DCCC XIV.
t
Oskr
Ro&rft,
H2H /5Vv
/ & f ¥“
2i