THE L A D Y’s DRESSING ROOM. To which is added. I. A POEM on cutting down the OLD THORN at Market Htll. II. ADVICE to a PARSON. , III. An EPIGRAM on feeing a worthy Prelate go out of Church in the Time of Divine Service to wait on his Grace the D. of D. By the Rev. Dr. S' - T. The Second Edition. We may obferve, the fined Flowers, and the moil delicious Fruits, fome- times owe their Nutriment and Increafe to fuch kind of Matter, as is mod offenfive to the Senfes, which themfelves have the greateft Power to gratify. Fiddes. LO N D ON, Printed for J. Roberts at the Oxford Arms in Warwick Lane . MDCC XXXII. (Price Six Pence.) T H E L A D Y’s DRESSING ROOM. IVE Hours (and who can do it lefs in ?) By haughty Celia fpent in Dreffing ; The Goddefs from her Chamber i flues, Array’d in Lace, Brocades and Tiflues. A 2 Strephon Strephon , who found the Room was void. And Betty otherwife employ’d; Stole in, and took a ftri<5t Survey, Of all the Litter as it lay ; Whereof, to make the Matter clear,. An Inventory follows here. And firft a dirty Smock appear’d. Beneath the Arm-pits well befmear’d. Strephon , the Rogue, difplay’d it wide, And turn’d it round on every Side. On fuch a Point few Words are beft, And Strephon bids us guefs the reft; But fvvears how damnably the Men lie, In calling Celia fweet and cleanly. Now liften, while he next produces. The various Combs for various Ufes, Fill’d up with Dirt fo clofely fixt. No Brufh could force a way betwixt. A Pafte of Compofition rare, Sweat, Dandriff, Powder, Lead and Hair 5 A Forehead Cloth with Oyl upon’t To fmooth the Wrinkles on her Front; Here Allum Flower to ftop the Steams, Exhal’d from four, unfavoury Streams ; There Night-gloves made of Tripfy's Hide; Bequeath’d by Tripfy when fhe dy’dj With Puppy Water, Beauty’s Help Diftill’d from Tripfy 's darling Whelp ; ' Here Gallypots and Vials plac’d, Some fill’d with Waihes, fome with Pafte, . . - Some with Pomatum, Paints and Slops, And Ointments good for fcabby Chops. Hard by a filthy Bafon Hands, Fowl’d with the Scouring of her Hands; C <5 ) The Bafon takes whatever comes. The Scrapings of her Teeth and Gums, A nafty compound of all Hues, For here fhe fpits, and here fhe fpues. But oh! it turn'd poor Strephoris Bowels, When he beheld and fmelt the Towels, Begumm’d, bematter’d, and beflim’d With Dirt, and Sweat, and Ear-Wax grim’d. No Object Strephoris Eye efcapes, Here Pettycoats in frowzy Heaps ; Nor be the Handkerchiefs forgot All vamifh’d o’er with Snuff and Snot. The Stockings, why fhou’d I expofe, Stain’d with the Marks of ftinking Toes; Or greafy Coifs and Pinners reeking, Which Celia flept at leaft a Week in? A Pair of Tweezers next he found To pluck her Brows in Arches round. Or s ( 7 ) Or Hairs that fink the Forehead low, Or on her Chin like Bridles grow. The Virtues we muft not lefs pafs. Of Celias magnifying Glafs. When frighted Strephon call his Eye on*t. It fhew’d the Vifage of a Gy ant. A Glafs that can to Sight difclofe. The fmalleft Worm in Celia's Nofe, And faithfully dired her Nail To fqueeze it out from Head to Tail* For catch it nicely by the Head, It muft come out alive or dead. Why Strephon will you tell the reft ? And muft you needs defcribe the Cheft ? That carelefs Wench! no Creature warn her To move it out from yonder Corner ; But r ( 8 ) But leave it (landing full in Sight For you to. exercife your Spight. In vain, the Workman fhew’d his Wit With Rings and Hinges counterfeit. To make it feem in this Difguife, A Cabinet to vulgar Eyes j For Strephon ventur’d to look in, Refolv’d to go thro’ thick and thin; He lifts the Lid, there needs no more. He fmelt it all the Time before. As from within Pandoras Box, When Epimetheus op’d the Locks, A fudden univerfal Crew Of humane Evils upwards flew; He dill was comforted to find That Hope at lad remain’d behind * So Strephen lifting up the Lid, To view what in the Ched was hid. (9 ) The Vapours flew from out the Vent, But Streplwn cautious never meant The Bottom of the Pan to grope. And fowl his Hands in Search of Hope. O never may fuch vile Machine Be once in Celia’s Chamber feen! O may fhe better learn to keep * “ Thofe Secrets of the hoary deep! As Mutton Cutlets, Prime of Meat, Which tho’ with Art you fait and beat. As Laws of Cookery require, And toaft them at the cleared Fire ; If from adown the hopeful Chops The Fat upon a Cinder drops. To {linking Smoke it turns the Flame Pois’ning the Flefh from whence it came} * Miltop. 3 B And C i° ) And up exhales a greafy Stench, For which you curfe the carelefs Wench * So Things, which muft not be expreft, When plumpt into the reeking Cheft, Send up an excremental Smell, To taint the Parts from whence they fell. The Pettycoats and Gown perfume, Which waft a Stink round every Room. Thus finishing his grand Survey, Difgufted Strephon ftole away, Repeating in his amorous Fits, Oh! Celia, Celia , Celia Ihits! But Vengeance, Goddefs never lleeping. Soon punilh’d Strephon for his Peeping. His foul Imagination links Each Dame he fees with all her Stinks^ And ( 11 ) And, if unfav’ry Odours fly, Conceives a Lady Handing by: All Women his Defcription fits, And both Idea’s jump like Wits: By vicious Fancy coupled fall. And Hill appearing in Contraft. I pity wretched Strephon blind To all the Charms of Female Kind. Should I the Queen of Love refufe, Becaufe fhe rofe from {finking Ooze ? To him that looks behind the Scene, Statira ’s but fome pockey Quean. When Celia in her Glory fhows. If Strephon would but Hop his Nofe 5 (Who now fo impioufly blafphemes Her Ointments, Daubs, and Paints and Creams, Her Wafhes, Slops, and every Clout, With which he makes fo foul a Rout!) B 2 He 3 ( I* ) He foon would learn to think like me. And blefs his ravifht Eyes to fee Such Order from Confulion fprung, Such gaudy Tulips rais’d from Dung, A E O N Cutting down the Old Thorm at Market Hill T Market Hill, as well appears By Chronicle of antient Date, There iiood for many a huncucd Years A fpacious Thorn before the Gate. Hither ( 14 ) Hither came every Village Maid, And on the Boughs her Garland hung, And here, beneath the fpreading Shade, Secure from Satyrs fat and fung. Sir Archibald , that val’rous Knight, The Lord of all the fruitful Plain, Would come and liften with Delight, For he was fond of rural Strain. (Sir Archibald wliofe fav rite Name v ... f • Shall ftand for Ages on Record, By Scotijh Bards of higheft Fame, Wife Hawthorden and Sterline's Lord.) But Time with Iron Teeth, I ween, Has canker’d all its Branches round; No ( <5 ) No Fruit or Bloffom to be feen, Its Head reclining towards the Ground. This aged, iickly, faplefs Thorn, Which muft, alas, no longer ftandy Behold the cruel Dean in Scorn Cuts down with facrilegious Hand* - Dame Nature, when fhe faw the Blow, Aftoniih’d gave a dreadful Shriek 5 And Mother Tellus trembled fo. She fcarce recover’d in a Week. The Silvan Powers, with Fear perplex’d. In Prudence and Companion fent (For none could tell whofe Turn was next) Sad Omens of the dire Event.- The C 16 ) The Magpye lighting on the Stock Stood chattering with incefTant Dinj And with her Beak gave many a Knock To roufe and warn the Nymph within. The Owl forefaw in penfive Mood The Ruin of her antient Seat; And fled in Haile with all her Brood To feek a more fecure Retreat. Laft trotted forth a gentle Swine To eafe her Itch againft the Stump, And difmally was heard to whine All as fhe fcrubb’d her meazly Rump. The Nymph who dwells in every Tree, (If all be true that Poets chant) Condemn'd ( *7 ) Condemn’d by Fates fupreme Decree Muft die with her expiring Plant. Thus when the gentle Spina found The Thorn, committed to her Care, Receive its laft and deadly Wound, She fled and vanifh’d into Air. But from the Root a difmal Groan Firft ifluing ftruck the Murd’rer’s Ears ; And in a thrill revengeful Tone, This Prophecy he trembling hears. “ Thou chief Contriver of my Fall, “ Relentlefs Dean to Mifchief born, « My Kindred oft’ thy Hide fhall gall j « Thy Gown and Caflock oft be torn; C “And “ And thy confed’rate Dame, who brags “ That fhe condemn’d me to the Fire, “ Shall rent her Petticoats to Rags, « And wound her Legs with ev’ry Bry’r. , “ Nor thou, Lord Arthur *, lhalt efcape: “ To thee I often call’d in vain, “ Againft that Aflaffin in Crape, “ Yet thou could’ft tamely fee me flain, “ Nor, when I felt the dreadful Blow, “ Or chid the Dean, or pinch’d thy Spoufe. “ Since you could fee me treated fo, “ An old Retainer to your Houfe, “ May that fell Dean, by whofe Command “ Was formed this Machi’villian Plot, * Sir Arthur Afchefon^ mentioned in the Soldier and Scholar . ( l 9 ) “ Not leave a Thiftle on the Land; “ Then who will own thee for a Scot ? “ Pigs and Fanaticks, Cows, and Teagues “ Through all thy Empire I forefee, — was juft come to Town, His Station defpifing, unaw’d by the Place, He flies from his God , to attend on his Grace: To the Court it was fitter to pay his Devotion, Since God had no Hand in his Lordfiiip’s Promotion. ? * * f Another Word for a Knave. FINIS. * Archbifhop of Cajhel. A MODEST D E F E C E OF A LATE p o By an unknown Author, call'd. The LADY’s DRESSING-ROOM. •y- JVuiffi XXV- \ — Poem, or Pamphlet published in this Kingdom without a Name, will not long want one, if the Paper makes any Noife. . ^ There is a certain PerJ'on of Diftindion among us, who is con- jedured to have written many Things, both in Profe and Verfe, for the Ser¬ vice of the Nation, which, undoubtedly, were publifhed with his own Con- fent. It is alfo believed, that he hath compofed others occafionally, for the Amufement of himfelf and a few intimate Friends ; which by the Indifcretion of others, were, from ftolen and uncorred Copies, dragged into Light. Bur, 1 hold it for certain, that a much greater Number have, by the Bold- nefs of Printers, and the Want of Judgment in Readers , been charged upon that Author , wherein he never had the fmalleft Finger, as I am allured he hath often declared; and which is remarkable, was as free in difowning feme Writings charged upon him, of which he had no Reafon to be afhamed, as he coutd be of the meanefl Produdions of Hibernian Grub-Jlreet'. Of which I\ {hall inftance only one Pamphlet, which hath been very well received, as it juftly deferved. It is entitled. An Infallible Scheme to pay the Nation s Debts , by a Lax upon Vice ; which he declaimed any Share in, at the fame Time giving it due Praifes. And, I find, the true Author of that Pamphlet lies yet conceal’d; which is a Happinefs that few Writers of any Diftindion can airive at, whether by th^ir own Indifcretion, or that of their Friends, 1 mail not determine. • x As As to thofe fatal Verfes called the Lady's DreJJing Room, which have fo highly inflamed the whole Sex, (except a very few of better Judgment) as I can by no Means juftify the vulgar Opinion, that feems to fix it upon a Per- fon, io'well known for Works of a very different Nature; fo I cannot but la¬ ment the prevailing ill Tafte among us, which is not able to difcover that ufe- ful Satyr running through every Line, and the Matter as decently wrapp d up, as it is polhble the Subject could bear. Cleanlinefs hath, in all polite Ages and Nations, been efleemed the chief corporeal Perfection in Women, as it is well known to thofe who are conver- fant with the antient Poets. And fo it is ftill among the young People of 'Judgment and Sbbriety, when they are difpofed to marry. And I do not doubt, but that there is a great Number of young Ladies in this Town and Kingdom, who in reading that Poem, find great Complacency in their own Minds, from a Confcioufnefs that the Satyrical Part in the Ladys DreJJing - Room, does not in the leaf}; affeCt them. Wherefore it is manifeft, that no Poem was ever written with a better De- fign for the Service of the Sex: Wherein our Author hath obferved to a 1 it- tle, the Precepts of his Mafter Horace or, indeed, rather hath gone very far beyond him, in the Article of Decency. That great Poet , inftruCting us what Actions are fitteft to be produced o- penly upon the Scene , and which are moft proper to be only related to the Audience, goes many Lengths beyond the Author of the Lady's DreJJmg- Room-, for at the fame Inftant when he fays, fome Actions fhould not appear as done upon the Stage, he allows they may be recited with PleaJ'ure and E/e - gance ; and yet when he comes to Particulars, his Recital is extremely grois, . and fo are his very Precepts which forbid the Actions: That if our infinitely more modeft AutBof had imitated his Mafter’s Style, the whole World might with great Appearance of Reafon, have been up in Arms againft him. Therefore, to fet thefe two Poets in a true Light, I have ventured, for the Satisfaction of both Sexes, to tranflate, as Literally as I could, ten Lines in Horace , upon the very fame SubjeCt, which our Author hath handled with a Decency fo far fuperior to his Roman Mafter. To juftify the Truth of my Tranflation, I defire all fine Gentlemen and Ladies will appeal from me to the Information of the Learned, that I may be wholly clear from the leaft Cenfure of mifreprefenting fo great an Authority; for, indeed, if I have been guilty of any Fault, it is in palliating the grofs Ex- preflions in the Original, and foftning them very much to the Politenefs of the prej'ent Age. The Latin is Word for Word as follows: mut agitur res in J'cenis , aut atfa refertur. tiegnius irritant animos demiffa per aurem , 2 ipuam Quant qua funt oculis fubjedfa fdelibus, &> qua Ipfe fibi tradit jpcdlator. Non tamen intus Digna geri protncs in fcenam: Multaque toilet Ex oculis, qua mcx narret facundia prafens. Nec pueros coram populo Medea trucidet ; Aut humana palam coquat ext a nefarms Atreus; Aut in avem Progne vertatur , Cadmus in anguem. dfuodcnnque oflendis mihi fic, incredulus odi. The literal Tranflation whereof is thus: Some Ladies do their Need before your Face; Some only tell the Adi ion , and the Place. Our Mind is lefs provok’d by what it hears. Than when the Fadl before our Eyes appears. In Clofet dark, your Cedar-box be hid; Not in a Parlour fhown without the Lid. Some Adlions mull be alway out of Sight, Yet elegantly told, may give Delight. Nurfe mull: not hold the Child, and cry Eee, Hee , When Madam and her Friends are o’er their Tea. Atreus, with Ladies by, miftakes his Wit, In new-born T—s to run a red-hot Spit. Mifs Progne mu ft not cry, a Bird , a Bird! Before good Company, and fhew a-. Cadmus , who voids out Worms of monft’rous Size, In mere good Manners fhould deceive our Eyes; Muft do his dirty Work behind the Scene, And e’er he fhews the Vermin , wipe them clean. To bring fuch odious Objedts ftiH in View, Though Fools may laugh, will make a wife Man fpew. I defire the Reader will compare the leaft exceptionable Lines in the La¬ dy’s Drejjing Room with the leaft offenfive of thefe in Horace-, although purged by me, as much as could confift with preferving the true Senfe of the Origi¬ nal : Yet this was the great Majler of Politenefs in the Roman Empire, at the Time it flourifhed moift in Arts and Arms. Horace, you fee, makes Ufe of the plain flovenly Words, which our de¬ cent Irijh Poet induftrioufly avoids, and fkips over a Hundred dirty Places, without fouling his Shoes. Horace, on the contrary, plainly calls a Spade, a Spade, when there was not the leaft Neceflity; and when, with equal Eafe as well as Significancy, he might have exprefs’d his Meaning in comely Terms, fit for the nioeft Ears of a Spueen or a Dutchefs. I do I do therefore, pofitively decide in Favour of our Hibernian Bard , upon the Article of Decency, and am ready to defend my Propofition againit all Mankind; that in the ten Lines of Horace here faithfully and ^ouraby tranflated, there are ten Times more Jlovenly Expreflions, than in the whole Poem called the Lady's Drejjing-Room ; and for the Truth ot this Propo 1 ion, I am ready to appeal to all the young Ladies of the Kingdom, or to fu Committee as my very Adverfaries ihall appoint. v> xxtv FINIS*