THE GOOD THINGS NIERICANUS SVM OF LIFE TENTH SERIES Tis trifles such as these That make a happy life." NEW YORK FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY PUBLISHERS COPYRIGHT 1883 BY •JAMITCHELL" བ NC 1428. L72 Copyright, 1893, By Frederick A. Stokes Company. Pruck 10. Walter 1-27-21 VAN ALAS! Tom Bachellor: I WONDER IF THERE IS ANY TRUTH IN THE IDEA THAT MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN UNMARRIED. The Host: IT SEEMS LONGER. 3 378193 EVERY INCH A DUCHESS, First Duke: WHY DON'T YOU TRAVEL incognito, AS I DO? IT'S FAR PLEASANTER. Second Duke: YES, BUT MY WIFE ALWAYS GOES WITH ME, AND I MARRIED AN AMERICAN. 4 A WISE PARENT. He: YOUR FATHER DOES NOT WITHHOLD HIS CONSENT TO OUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE I AM HIS EMPLOYÉ, I HOPE? She: OH, NO. HE SAYS HE'LL GIVE HIS CONSENT AS SOON AS YOU GET YOUR SALARY RAISED 5 ** f 1 ; رانا Faltword prim Alle * ?? M こい ​"" THE PURITANS AND THEIR NEIGHBORS. Endicott at Merry Mount-The Cutting Down of the Maypole and the Final Dispersion of Morton's Colony. 'HE CAUSED THAT MAYPOLLE TO BE CUTT DOWNE AND REBUKED THEM FOR THEIR PROFANNES AND ADMONISHED THEM TO LOOKE THER SHOULD BE BETTER WALKING."-Bradford. 6 IN THE LAND OF THE FREE. "WHERE TO NIGHT?" "I AM GOING TO CONGRATULATE MISS BEAUFORT." "WHAT'S YOUR RUSH? THE ENGAGEMENT DIDN'T COME OUT TILL THIS MORNING." "I KNOW IT, BUT I WANT TO CALL BEFORE IT IS BROKEN." Um W ORIENTAL RUCS 2733 EAST ། ) ་་་ UNHAPPY THOUGH MARRIED. "THERE'S THAT LOVELY MR. SHORTEDGE. THEY SAY THAT, FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, HIS WIFE IS A BURDEN TO HIM." "YES, POOR FELLOW! I HEAR IT TAKES ALL OF HER DOWRY TO SUPPORT HIM ALONE.' 8 Page Missing in Original Volume Page Missing in Original Volume / وم THE HUMAN COMEDY. MRS. SNOBLEIGH FREEZOR FEELS IT HER DUTY TO LET THAT LITTLE BALLET DANCER KNOW THAT SHE SHOULD NOT TRY TO ASSOCIATE WITH MODEST WOMEN. 11 SHOCKING. Mrs. B.: IN MY OPINION NO ONE CAN BE GOOD-LOOKING UNLESS WELL DRESSED. The Man: AND YET VENUS WAS A SUCCESS. 12 "WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE MR. CLINKER SAID WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT HIS NECKTIE WAS UP BEHIND?" "I HAVEN'T THE LEAST IDEA. > > "HE ASKED ME TO STAND IN FRONT OF HIM AND FIX IT. 13 She: WELL, IF I CAN'T LIVE ON MY INCOME, AND YOU CAN'T LIVE ON YOURS, WHERE WOULD BE THE ADVANTAGE IN OUR MARRYING. He (thoughtfully): WELL, BY PUTTING OUR INCOMES TOGETHER ONE OF US WOULD BE ABLE TO LIVE, AT ANY RATE. 14 VAN AN IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE. She: DUELING IS BARBAROUS AND IRRATIONAL. The General: IT'S JUST LIKE WAR, BUT FOR NUMBERS. She: No, IT ISN'T. IN WAR YOU CAN LIE IN WAIT, OR GET BEHIND SOMETHING. She: THE NEWLY ENGAGED. THERE'S NO POETRY IN A KISS. IT'S LIKE A TRUNK. He: LIKE A TRUNK? She: YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND A MAN TO EXPRESS IT; AND IT'S WISER TO CHECK IT IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO GO TOO FAR. 15 16 THE EXPLANATION. "HE SEEMS VERY SOBER TO-NIGHT. DID HE APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR BEING DRUNK AT YOUR BALL?" "YES, HE SAID HE UNDERSTOOD IT WAS TO BE A FANCY DRESS AFFAIR AND HE CAME AS GAMBRINUS." OPERATIC. (As he returns the glass.) "I DON'T SEE WHY THEY MAKE ALL THIS FUSS ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GERMAN AND ITALIAN OPERA. I CAN'T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE-CAN YOU?" 17 18 Frank (1) Small OH, YES; HE GETS HER INTO A CAB NOW BEFORE IT FAIRLY SPRINKLES, AND HE HOLDS THE UMBRELLA AS MUCH OVER HER AS OVER HIMSELF. AND SHE MAKES LIGHT OF THE SUFFERING RAIMENT, AND IS NEITHER IRRITABLE NOR FUSSY. BUT THIS IS THE HONEYMOON. Mo She: He: DO YOU THINK PENELOPE WILL BE ABLE TO LAND THE BARON? IT DEPENDS UPON HOW MUCH LAND IT WILL TAKE. 19 20 THAT YOUNG The Old Friend: I HEAR YOU ARE ENGAGED, FANNY. CAN IT BE POSSIBLE YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY MARRY THAT FIDDLEBACK? The Heiress: OH, NO. HE ASKED ME AS A FAVOR TO BECOME ENGAGED TO HIM FOR A FEW WEEKS, TO HELP OUT HIS CREDIT. A SAVING INFLUENCE. "BOBBY SAYS THAT HE HAS COMPLETELY REFORMED SINCE YOU ACCEPTED HIM." "YES, HE SAYS I SNATCHED HIM OUT OF THE JAWS OF DEATH, OUT OF THE MOUTH OF HELL, BACK TO THE FOUR HUNDRED." 21 سے G 0 SOTTO VOCE, "IS THAT THE CLEVER MR. SPARKLE?" GRACIOUS, NO! IT'S ONLY ONE OF THE FOUR HUNDRED. 22 THE END OF A SUMMER ROMANCE. 23 24 She: IF YOU HAD NEVER MET ME WOULD YOU HAVE LOVED ME JUST THE SAME? He (convincingly): MORE. THE DAUGHTER OF AN EDITOR. "WHY DID YOU REJECT HIM?" HE WAS NOT ACCOMPANIED BY STAMPS, D 25 * "WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN ENGAGED NOW IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY CHAPERON." "DID SHE INTERFERE?" "YES; SHE BECAME ENGAGED TO HIM HERSELF." 26 - श "SO YOU WANT TO MARRY EMMA-BUT SHE IS MY ONLY DAUGHTER.” "OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I ONLY WANT ONE.” 27 "BUT IF YOU ARE SO AFRAID OF BEING A WIDOW, WHY DO YOU MARRY AN ARMY OFFICER?" "BECAUSE IN OUR ARMY, YOU KNOW, NOBODY IS EVER KILLED; WHEREAS, A CIVILIAN, IF AMBITIOUS, IS ALMOST SURE TO GO TO PIECES FROM OVERWORK." 28 "WHAT A HORRID MISTAKE, MR. JAUNE, THEY MADE ABOUT YOUR PICTURE 'Ready for the BALL' WHEN THEY THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO CALL IT AT FIRST MYSELF.” CATALOGUED IT READY FOR THE BATH.' THERE WAS NO HARM DONE. She: WHY IN THE WORLD DOES HE CALL HIS FEET POETIC? He BECAUSE THEY GO TO MEET HER, YOU KNOW, 29 "BUT, DARLING, IS YOUR INCOME SUFFICIENT TO SUPPORT A WIFE?" "I THINK SO, DEAREST; PROVIDED YOURS IS SUFFICIENT TO SUPPORT ME." 30 She: He: THE CONSOLATIONS OF MATRIMONY. I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPIER IF YOU HAD NOT MARRIED ME? YES, DARLING, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN IT. 31 32 . A FAMILY TRADITION, He: THIS QUAINT OLD FLAGON WAS MADE IN VENICE. IT HAS BEEN IN THE FAMILY FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS, AND THERE IS A LEGEND THAT IT HAD A STRANGE INFLUENCE OVER THE HAPPINESS OF MY ANCESTORS. She : SUPPOSE WHEN IT WAS LOW IN SPIRITS THEY IMMEDIATELY BECAME MELANCHOLY, LES FIANCÉS. She: AND ARE YOU SURE YOU WILL LIKE MARRIED LIFE AS WELL AS YOU DO YOUR CLUB? He: OH, YES. She: AND ARE YOU SO AWFULLY FOND OF YOUR CLUB. He: NOT VERY. 33 34 Trank 0 Small IDIOMATIC AND TRUTHFUL. Ethel: I THOUGHT AT ONE TIME HE WAS GOING TO KISS ME, BUT FORTUNATELY SOME ONE CAME IN AND HE DIDN'T. Estelle: YOU HAD A NARROW ESCAPE. Ethel: IT WAS A TIGHT SQUEEZE! ނ JUST THE MAN. He: I THINK DOLLY GRIGGSON IS TERRIBLY RUDE. I WAS TELLING HER ONE OF MY BEST STORIES THIS AFTER- NOON AND SHE FELL ASLEEP. She: THAT'S STRANGE! SHE TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT SHE WAS TROUBLED WITH INSOMNIA, : 35 She: YOU SHOULDN'T SQUEEZE MY HAND, GOING OUT OF THE THEATRE. WHEN I SQUEEZED BACK I MEANT YOU TO STOP. He: ME-I-WHY I-I-DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR HAND. 36 HONEYMOON COOKERY. "AND SO MY LITTLE WIFE COOKED THIS ALL HERSELF? WHAT DOES SHE CALL IT?" Um "WELL, I STARTED IT FOR BREAD, BUT AFTER IT CAME OUT OF THE OVEN I CONCLUDED I'D BETTER PUT SAUCE ON IT AND CALL IT PUDDING." 37 “གཏན་ THE RESULT OF OBSERVATION. Sa I DON'T SEE HOW A GIRL CAN MARRY A MAN SHE'S KNOWN ONLY TWO WEEKS. He : She: AND I DON'T SEE HOW SHE CAN MARRY ONE SHE'S KNOWN LONGEK. 38 She: A MATTER OF PATIENCE. ENGAGED TO TWO GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME. WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? He: O, I AM ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT ARE they GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? 39 CZA She: WHAT IS, ON THE WHOLE, THE FAVORITE STUDY AT COLLEGE? The Youth: WELL.. FOOT-BALL IS VERY POPULAR, BUT I PREFER TENNIS, BECAUSE IT IS MORE INTELLECTUAL. 40 UNANSWERED. "MAMMA, IF A CHILD SHOULD BE BORN ON THE OCEAN, TO WHAT NATION WOULD IT BELONG?" "WHY, TO THE NATION TO WHICH HIS FATHER AND MOTHER BELONGED, OF COURSE." "WELL, I KNOW. BUT SUPPOSE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER WERE NOT WITH HIM. SUPPOSING HE WAS TRAVELING WITH HIS AUNT 41 42 AFTER THE REFUSAL. He (bitterly): YOU ARE UTTERLY HEARTLESS! I MIGHT POSSIBLY IMAGINE YOU ENGAGED, BUT NOT BY ANY POSSIBILITY IN LOVE. She: REALLY? HOW CURIOUS! Now, DO YOU KNOW, I CAN EASILY IMAGINE YOUR BEING IN LOVE, BUT IN THE WILDEST STRETCH OF FANCY I CANNOT IMAGINE YOUR BEING ENGAGED. THE ART OF MATRIMONY. "DO YOU EXPECT YOUR MARRIAGE TO BE A HAPPY ONE, DEAR?" "O YES; I GUESS SO. BUT IF IT ISN'T, JACK HAS PROMISED EITHER A DIVORCE OR SUICIDE, SO YOU SEE I'M REALLY NOT RUNNING MUCH RISK." *43 S She: How ANGRILY THOSE LITTLE WAVES DASH AGAINST THE BOAT! THEY SEEM TO BE CLAMORING FOR SOMETHING. He: THEY ARE. BUT THEY WON'T GET IT IF I CAN HOLD ON TO IT. 44 A CONGENIAL FATE. Persevering Widower: IT WAS SHE WHO DROVE ME TO DRINK. Miss A. (a little weary): WHAT COULD SHE HAVE DRIVEN YOU TO THAT YOU WOULD HAVE LIKED BETTER? 45 Young Man of Bar Harbor experience: THEN THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME? She: I AM AFRAID NOT. Y. M. IS THAT OFFICIAL, FINAL AFD IRREVOCABLE? She: IT IS. Y. M.: THEN WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME BEING ENGAGED! AR ON THE WRONG TRACK. He: CONGRATULATE ME, MISS BELLA. IN A FEW DAYS MISS GOLDTHWAITE WILL BE MINE. She: I AM GLAD TO HEAR IT; BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE He: OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T, NOR ANY ONE ELSE. DIDN'T WANT ANY COMPETITION, SEE? BUT IT'S ALL FIXED NOW. SHE'LL BE WORTH TEN THOUSAND A YEAR TO ME. She: REALLY? THE NAME'S UNFAMILIAR. NEW YORK FAMILY? He: No; KENTUCKY FAMILY, AND ONE OF THE BEST. SIRED BY BANG UP, DAM QUEEN ELIZABETH-WHY YOU MUST REMEMBER HER. SHE MADE 2.13 LAST SEASON AND NOT HALF TRAINED AT THAT. She: OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPEAKING OF A MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT. He: Now, MISS BELLA, THAT'S PRETTY HARD. I KNOW I SPEND HALF MY TIME IN THE STABLE, BUT THAT'S NO REASON YOU SHOULD TAKE ME FOR AN ASS. 47 والہ 1792 Chirkeping AME Miss D. at the Piano): I CAN TELL YOU, WE CHICAGO PEOPLE BELIEVE IN MAKING THE MOST OF THIS LIFE. Miss S.: YES? TO WHAT DO YOU REFER PARTICULARLY? Miss B.: WHY, YOU KNOW THAT IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO MARRYING OR GIVING IN MARRIAGE. 48 YAN She: IT'S LEAP YEAR-WILL YOU MARRY ME? He (nervously): 1-0- She (calmly): HOW MUCH? She: MUST YOU GO SO SOON, DARLING? IT IS ONLY TEN O'CLOCK, AND FATHER WON'T OBJECT IF YOU STAY UNTIL TWELVE. He: TRUE, MY OWN. BUT THAT ONLY GIVES ME TWO HOURS IN WHICH TO SAY GOOD-NIGHT. 49 AT NARRAGANSETT PIER. "HOW MANY FIANCÉS HAVE YOU?" "THREE." "IS THAT ALL? WHY, I HAVE FIVE, AND THEY'RE ALL RICH." "BUT ONE OF MINE IS WILLING TO MARRY." 50 THE DEFICIENCY. He: SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING, BUT MY WATCH WAS WRONG. I SHALL NEVER HAVE FAITH IN IT AGAIN. She: IT'S NOT FAITH YOU NEED, BUT WORKS. THE TRIALS OF A MILLIONAIRE. "I AM THE UNLUCKIEST MAN ALIVE." "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "WHY, I HEARD THAT SHE WAS ENGAGED, SO I WENT AROUND AND PROPOSED TO HER SO THAT SHE WOULDN'T THINK I HAD BEEN TRIFLING WITH HER." "AND WASN'T SHE ENGAGED?" "YES, BUT SHE BROKE IT OFF. SHE SAID MY LOVE WAS MORE SINCERE THAN HIS." 51 $52 OUR HEROES. She (earnestly): IT MUST BE AWFULLY DANGEROUS TO BE A SOLDIER. He: IT IS INDEED. THE WOMEN ARE ALWAYS AFTER YOU. MANAGING A HUSBAND. He: THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ON THIS BREAKFAST TABLE TO FEED A CANARY BIRD. She: I KNOW IT, MY DEAR; BUT THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS I WANT YOU TO ORDER FROM THE MARKET, AND I KNOW YOU'LL FORGET ALL ABOUT IT UNLESS YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE HUNGRY. 53 FOR BETTER, NOT FOR WORSE. "ON WHAT GROUNDS, MADAM, DO YOU WISH A DIVORCE?" "WHY, I MARRIED BARLOW FOR MONEY, AND HE HAS LOST EVERYTHING." 54 He: She He: تت I AM IN LOVE. STRATEGY. WILL YOU BE MY CONFIDANTE ? CERTAINLY. I AM AT YOUR SERVICE. WELL, WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO PROPOSE TO YOU ? 55 VAR She: IS IT TO SHORTEN THE TIME BETWEEN NEW YORK AND BOSTON? He: NOT AT ALL, DEAREST. WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO IS TO SHORTEN THE TIME BETWEEN BOSTON AND NEW YORK. 156 A DISTRIBUTION OF MISERY. She: YOU GOING TO MARRY! WHY, YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO STAND HOME LIFE. Ile: WELL, IF I CAN'T, MY WIFE CAN'T, EITHER; SO THAT WILL BE ONE CONSOLATION. 57 THE GATE Visitor: NO ONE WOULD DREAM THAT I WAS BUT TWENTY UNLESS I TOLD THEM. The Innocent Boy: No, AND A GREAT MANY WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT THEN. 58 "THEN YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY HIM SIMPLY FOR HIS MONEY. I HOPE HE'LL NEVER FIND IT OUT AND DESPISE YOU FOR IT." "O, DEAR, NO! I HAVE TOLD HIM JUST HOW IT IS. HE SAYS HE KNOWS HIS MONEY IS MUCH MORE WORTH LOVING THAN HIMSELF, AND HE IS GRATEFUL TO ME FOR TAKING HIM WITH IT." 59 69 She: WHEN YOU SPEAK TO PAPA, AND ASK HIS CONSENT, HE IS SURE TO DEMAND WHAT YOUR PROSPECTS ARE. He: HOW CAN I TELL HIM WHAT MY PROSPECTS ARE UNLESS HE SHOWS HIS HAND FIRST? 60 He: THAT HIGH CHURCH RECTOR OF YOURS SEEMS A GREAT FAVORITE WITH THE LADIES. She: YES; AND WE'RE GOING TO GIVE HIM A SMOKING JACKET AT CHRISTMAS. He: NOT A VERY CLERICAL PRESENT, IS IT? She: OH, BUT IT'S TO BE AN EXACT COPY OF THE HOLY COAT AT TREVES. 61 62 In the Background: I HEAR YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY MISS BULLION. I SHOULD THINK YOU WOULD MARRY GOLDIE STERLING; SHE IS JUST AS RICH AND MUCH YOUNGER. YES, MY DEAR BOY, BUT MISS BULLION'S PAPA IS MUCH OLDER. She: IT CERTAINLY MUST MEAN SOMETHING WHEN A MAN PUTS A DIAMOND RING ON A GIRL'S FINGER. He (of hard experience): IT MEANS THAT HE OWES SOME JEWELER TWO OR THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. 63 * 'DOCTOR, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE PECULIAR FORMATION JUST BACK OF BABY'S EAR?" "COMBATIVENESS, PERHAPS." 66 'WHY, SOME ONE SAID IT WAS LOVE OF DOMESTIC LIFE." "OH, WELL, IT'S ALL ONE AND THE SAME THING." 64 JUN 25 1921