ARTES LIBRARY 1837 VERITAS SCIENTIA OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN AJAJAJAŁ L. SE LURIBUS UNUM TUEROR SI-QUÆRIS-PENINSULAM-AMŒNAM. CIRCUMSPICE 4933 828 1648 LETTERS FROM A PEERESS OF ENGLAND TO HER ELDEST SON. LONDON: Printed for J. DEBRETT, (Succeffor to Mr. ALMON,) oppofite Burlington Houfe, Piccadilly. MDCCLXXXIV. 12-27-27703 THESE LETTERS were found in a pocket book, in the foot path that leads from Fulham to Hammerfmith. The perfon who picked them up, hopes the public will read them with the fame pleaſure he felt in the perufal of them; and that the Authorefs of them will pardon his giving them to the world be- fore the time ſhe intended. The fame pocket-book contained fome unfiniſhed works, which fhall foon be returned to her, uncopied and untouched,-as he thinks any alteration in her ftyle would diminish the merit of it. English Do bull 1. The 14416 LETTERS, &c. PREFATORY LETTER. 1773. TH HE other morning I was talk- ing to a friend of mine whofe underſtanding I have a great opinion of. The ſubject of our converfation was matrimony. Though Mr. *** and I often differed in our opinions upon B [ 2 ] upon the fubject, we both agreed matrimony, in this country, was lefs calculated to make people happy then any other inftitution human or divine. We were both by turns fevere and facetious upon it; but wit and pleaſantry at laft gave way to ferious truth, and we agreed it was a neceffary evil, and ever muſt retain its power. We fettled feveral points in which we could turn that power into the comfort of either ſex; but that, as it now remains, is a power which is the fource of all the mifery of that part of human kind which moſt deſerves to be happy,-I mean the ſofter ſex, whofe education and [ 3 ] and nature makes it bear in patient and dumb regret the arbitrary power an Engliſh huſband has over his wife. The ferious turn our converfation had taken, cauſed a filence of a few minutes, which I fhould not have interrupted, when my friend faid, It indeed impoffible for one human being to be more in the power of another, than an English wife is in that of her husband. You cannot alter this melancholy truth, nor the opinions and prejudices of the fent age; but you have a fon, and I hope you will form his mind after your own ideas, and teach him to be happy himſelf, by making the woman pre- B 2 hc [ 4 ] he is deſtined to live with perfectly fo. Mr. *** left me; his laft words. flung me into a deep reverie. I faw you, my dear fon, in idea, grown up I faw you at one and twenty with all the gallant fpirit and beauty that fhould be tranfmitted to you from my noble anceſtors-I faw thofe ad- vantages abuſed by the licentiouſneſs of a country, where generous minds and virtuous principles fuffer the moſt ignominious ſlavery—under the facred name of liberty; I faw your mind tainted by prejudices, and your heart heardened. There imagination left the picture I had drawn, and the tenderneſs of my heart made me with [ 5 ] wish you could ever remain the help- leſs lovely infant I then faw really before my eyes; my care and atten- tions your fole protection, and my arms your fafeſt refuge. Reflection, accompanied by all the dignity af truth, told me the wifh was im- poffible: And fhall I, cried I, and kiffed my pretty boy, who dare at one and twenty think and condemn from conſcious worth-fhall I fuffer my boy, when he is one and twenty, to be afraid of acting from himfelf-and I his mother? In short, I followed the irreſiſtible impulſe I felt of addreffing you upon the moft material of all ſubjects-I fhall write one or two B 3 letters [ 6 ] letters in a year to you, till I think I can adviſe no further. When you read them, your own reafon is the only judge I appeal to in any doubt that may ariſe in your mind from the fingularity of many things I fhall fay; for I foreſee you will think them fingular, till you have weighed them in the ſcale of judgment. I mean to place you to yourſelf in every fituation, agreeable or otherwife, to which a married man is expofed; I mean you ſhould read them at a time of life, when, governed by your paffions, you will oft want a friend who is biaffed by none. What motive can I have for taking this trouble, but [ 7 ] but my regard to your happineſs, mingled with the pity I feel for my own fex? In all probability, the greateſt part of your life will be paſſed in the mar- riage ftate. I fhall endeavour to pre- vent you forming to yourfelf agreea- ble illufions, that will vanifh upon a nearer approach, and leave you to drag your chains with regret for the remainder of your life, or break them in a manner which must ever be a painful or fhameful thorn in your memory. In marriage, as in life, be affured it is not the pleaſant or difagreeable things B 4 that [ 8 ] that may happen to you that abſo- lutely conftitute your happineſs or mifery. The manner in which you conduct yourſelf under thoſe events, will moſt influence your peace of mind-peace of mind; a treaſure no misfortune can deſtroy- the great- eft enemies to it are your own paf- fions, inevitably attached to human nature, which grow with your ftaturę, ftrengthen with your reafon, and never leave you but with life. Re- flection cannot annihilate them, and, were that poffible, Heaven forbid I ſhould adviſe you to fupprefs them. Sources of delight! they were given us that we might enjoy every blifs. Treat [ 9 ] Treat them as friends, but oftener as fervants, and you will find them, by turns, uſeful and oftenfible plea- fures. It is innumerable the perfons who have in this and paſt ages addreſſed women on every ſubject and in every fituation in life. This general ad- drefs has been a general error, parti- cularly in this country, where, from the laws and difpofitions of men, wo- men are almoſt in every refpect made a fecond fort of beings, de- pending on (and deriving their only confequence from) the approbation of men. The perfons who have ad- viſed [ 10 } ] viſed our fex have always failed in their good intentions--in all ages we have run into the fame errors, been ruined by the fame faults, drawn into them by the fame cauſes, and in general the most accomplished of our fex have appeared the moſt blameable in the eyes of the world. Why this? Becauſe all thofe who have given us rules to follow, have not confidered that our ftate of de- pendence makes it impoffible for us to act for ourſelves: the men we be- long to are the firſt cauſes of every action, good or bad, that we commit; to them therefore we ought to ad- drefs our eloquence and reafon, if we mean [ 11 11 ] mean to make the world in general more rational or happy than it has hitherto been. It is a fweet and be- nevolent ſenſation I experience, when I think, that, fhould I be diſap- pointed in the hopes of my own offspring's attending to my council, others may pluck fome refreſhing flower from the noſegay I am mak- ing up and it may ſweeten the path they are deftined to walk in. Wear it near your heart, my fon; you are the object it ſhould moſt adorn it was my high beating, for you, · haughty, but infinitely tender heart, that imagined this prefent for you: upon [ 12 ] upon me, when ſcarcely of age, the world bestowed all its gaieties, all its homage, its joys, and my fleeting hours their intoxicating charms; I, my fon, extract from all I fee, and all I hear, advice, which, when re- tired to my own room at night, I confecrate to you, my dear child—I impatiently get rid of diamonds, fea- thers, robes, and waiting-women; I collect the world, and all its malice, within the narrow circle of my bed- curtains-place you in the midft of the horrid picture-and with the ut- moſt pleaſure fave you from forrow or remorse, by reprefenting what may [ 13 ] may happen. Heaven profper my affectionate defign, and make the following Letters the bouquet de fête eternal to your future days! ********* ****** LETTER [ 14 ] 14] LETTER I. March, 1775. Do O not imagine, becauſe the law has put your wife intirely in your power, that it is juft or right fhe fhould be fo. I have heard men boaſt of that power, as if it was conftituted by their merit. Trace that power to its fource, and you will find it proceed from the natural propenfity Engliſhmen ever had for tyranny. It was men who made the laws, and thofe give a man an unlimited power over his wife. [ 15 ] wife. Jack Ketch might, with the fame propriety and delicacy, boaſt of his hanging his fellow-creatures with impunity, as a huſband to ſay he may lock up his wife, not give her any money, or ſuffer her to en- joy the amuſements and focieties fhe likes.You ftart, my fon— I have heard some; not only one, obferve; but ſome huſbands boaſt of thefe barbarous privileges. Let no one who reads theſe letters imagine, from the beginning of them, that I mean to depreciate your fex, or draw a flattering picture of my own. My fole intention is to ſhew you [ L 16 ] you human nature as it is, taking from before it all the fkreens which cuftom, prejudices, and laws, have placed: ftrong and numerous as they are, nature will ever maintain its power in the human breaft. Na- ture, ever juft, has given to both fexes the fame paffions: your own feelings will inform you that we have as great a right to exerciſe thoſe paffions as you have; almoſt every wife book, or faying, orders and adviſes us not to feel their power. Many men think they govern their paffions, but many more never think of them at all. Thoſe who fancy they mafter theirs, are blinded by vanity, the [ 17 ] the most ridiculous of all the paf- fions; and thoſe who never reflect upon them, are made varying victims, by all the paffions by turns; and from the firft ftep they take into the world, to the moment they fall into the grave, their lives and opinions are deſpicably inconſtant and uncomfortably reſtleſs-I repeat it, my fon, manage your paffions properly; they are the fources of our happineſs. The defire of my heart is fatisfied, if I prevent yours from being the caufe of that variety of mifery with which an Engliſh life abounds.-I will now fuppofe you married to a beautiful young C woman [ 18 ] woman that you are paffionately fond of; I will fuppofe her poffeffed of every talent, every grace, and her mind and temper making all theſe advantages appear in the ſtrongeſt light-this is the fituation in which I fhall first place you; becaufe, if you know the value of fuch a woman, fuch a fituation only can gratify the pride and tenderneſs of your heart; and if that heart has as much of both as I wifh, fuch a companion as I have drawn only is capable of beftowing happiness upon you. Let your firft ftep be to make her independent as to money. If her [ 19 ] 1 her family have been careleſs in your marriage fettlements, and forgot the article of pin-money, fettle the pin- money ſuitable, out of your own power, that ſhe never may experience the humiliation of dependence. Let her comfort and her pleaſures be the ſtudy of your life, and yours will be one continued fcene of pleaſure. Never give her the leaft cauſe to imagine you know the extent of your power over her; never let a word efcape your lips that may make her recollect that harfh one, obey. If the ever thinks of it in its full force, I will anfwer for her being afraid of you; and tho' I fup- C 2 [ 20 ] I fuppofe fhe loves you as much as you love her, it will not be for a long time, if once the feels afraid of you. Make her believe you are her flave, and then he will be in her mind as well as perfon yours. Woman is by nature a more obedient and gentle creature than man; but the moft timid of us all has a will of her own, which, con- fined, only grows ftronger. Once perfuade woman the acts from her- felf, and ſhe will have no will but yours. The first thing that ſtrikes a woman's mind upon the firſt diſa- greeable thing her huſband does, are the words the pronounced at the ce- remony [ 21 ] remony of her marriage; fhe has promiſed to love, to honour, and obey. The firft is not in her own power; the ſecond is impoffible, if her huſband is a defpicable ob- ject; and the third, let him be what he may, ſhe muſt fulfil to the utmoſt extent of the word, and therefore detefts the found of it- from a natural confciouſneſs, that no human being has a right to con- trol our actions, when we are ar- rived at the age of reafon. We only hate control the more for knowing we are obliged to fubmit to it— fuch is human nature. You will fee men, who, from inclination, C 3 would لسنة 22 ] } would paſs the greateſt part of their lives out of their own country, once exiled, they will, at the hazard of a diſcovery, at the expence of ſo- ciety, and their own name, return, and live obfcurely in fome remote corner of it. I never walked in a ſhrubbery ſurrounded by a funk fence, that I did not imagine I had half a dozen good reaſons for wiſh- ing to cross the fence in half a do- zen different places. Believe me, my dear fon, there are many wives. who would, at the hazard of their necks, leap the many funk fences. hufbands place round their free-will. Wherever law or cuftom has given. you a funk fence, plant it up with every [ 23 ] every ſweeteſt fhrub to fkreen it from the eyes of your wife: by theſe I mean the attentions and re- fpectful tenderneſs with which your ſex ſeduce our hearts, and keep up that charming union, often feen be- tween a lover and his miſtreſs, but, to your diſgrace I fay it, which you fo ſeldom continue after he has conferred the higheſt obligation on you, by folemnly fubjecting her time- and perfon to your caprice. Though Love is a child, it can never be made fick of fweets. Juftly is it reprefented to us in that form; in fmiles and pleaſure it exifts, but C & Alies [ 24 ] flies at the approach of frowns or care. Ever remember that this child has wings it does not ſtay to make faces, and fhew you its diftafte to the bitter potions it fees prepared for him; it is fled far off before you imagine it means to go; and though your wife (as every vir- tuous woman does) may reproach herſelf with not loving you, pre- tend that he does, and make herſelf wretched upon finding the loves you no longer, ftill fhe loves. you not; nor can fhe, if her love is once extinguiſhed by fear. There are many extinguiſhers to love, [ 25 ] love, but none fo common as fear, none half ſo irretrievable, none half fo dangerous; the moſt obvious, the leaſt to be avoided. A woman of leſs refined underſtanding and heart than I have fuppofed your wife to have, though blind to all your faults, will not be blind to your power: I recommend to you, therefore, to hide it. You may even annihilate the very idea of fear in her breaſt. Love or Friendſhip admits of none but that elegant fear of difpleafing or giving pain to what we love. The more noble a mind is, the more it abhors the idea of flavery or fear. I fhould [ 26 ] 1 I fhould rather call the fear I admit of, a hope; for fear is ſo deteftable a ſenſation, that I am certain no great mind will ever ſubmit to it; it riſes above all fear, and prefers death to flavery. -Good night, my dearest fon. May your heart be as gentle and affectionate as I fup- pofe your partner's to be!-I am this night returned from a ball, where one of my partners danced as if he had two wooden legs before he had finished one dance. When I ſaw that, I told him I was tired, and would fit down the next dance, knowing we must change partners. the [ 27 ] the dance following.I hope, in the great dance of life, you will ne- ver accompany your partner with a bad grace, leſt ſhe ſhould quit you as I did mine in a leſs ferious man- ner this night. ********* ****** LETTER [ 28 ] LETTER II. April, 1773 I Have admitted to your wife the fear of difpleafing you; leave to her likewiſe all her natural modefty. Huſbands generally teach their wives to be immodeft, and then hate them for being ſo. A married man returns from a journey; his wife with a room full of people thinks it right to em- brace him before the whole circle: if that man her huſband was only her lover, would fhe act in that man- ner?-No. Do [ 29 ] Do not fleep in the fame bed, nor, if you can avoid it, in the fame room with your wife. How indelicate for you to ſtep into her bed, and her maids in the room; or into her bed-chamber, even whilft fhe is un- dreffing. Her bed and chamber are yours: if you ſtay out late, her at- tention will make her fit up for you; or, fhould you retire with a head-ache at nine o'clock, fhe will think it her duty to go to bed at that hour. A thouſand circumftances may happen that will make her afraid of beftow- ing that time upon her perfon that cleanliness requires a million of little fears of this fort fhe will feel by turns. [ 30 ] 1 : turns. Her delicacy in all of them will make her indelicate, and her affections may become troubleſome, if not extinguish yours. I do not fay you ſhould never fleep with your wife I fay have two beds, two bed- chambers. There will happen, in the courſe of time, feveral unavoid- able circumſtances which may make her an unpleaſant companion in bed, and you very difagreeable, fuppofing difcord fhould never reign between you:-but fuppofe, for an inftant, you quarrel,-how horrid to be o- bliged to inform your whole houſe, and your upholsterer, that you chufe no longer to fleep with your wife. Never 1 [ 31 ] Never come near your wife's bed till her maids are quite retired from the apartment. If you were her lover, you durft not, and if you mean your wife fhould love you, never let the huſband take any greater liberty than the lover would. Scarcely ever attend your wife's toilet; fhe will be afraid of beſtowing thoſe pains upon her perfon fhe ought, left you ſhould fufpect her of coquetry-and yet at breakfaſt the means to pleaſe you more than fhe did an hour before when undreffed; and at dinner, en grande parure, ſhe intends you ſhould find her ftill more charming. Were I a man, I fhould think it a bad fign, [ 32 ] } fign, if my wife wore an ugly night- cap ill placed, or a handkerchief carelessly thrown round her neck in a morning; yet, if I attended her toilet, twenty fuch awkward cir- cumftances would certainly happen. What an abominable thing for a man to come into a woman's room when her fhoulders are expofed, or fhe is drawing on her ſtockings, par- ticularly when there is a third perfon by! and yet huſbands do this con- ftantly. I hope neither you, or any other reader, imagine thefe Letters are to be trifling, becauſe I begin by citing trifles. It is not two or three confequential great qualities in the heart [ 33 ] heart of a married man that will make his life, or that of his wife, happy. Ah no, my fon! it is the attention to trifles, ten thousand of which I may perchance forget in the courſe of a million; at least, which I ought to delineate, and which, neg- lected, make married people in ge- neral fo unhappy. I cannot help it. that marriage generally deftroys the very principle from whence it fprings, love the most charming of all paffions; but I fee the errors in it- I would have you avoid them. A young and pretty woman never looks half fo much fo as when her hair is D flying 1 34 ]. flying about, untortured by pins. Your wife is both pretty and young; you may ask her leave to fee her often while her hair is dreff- ing-if he has fine hair, you will not be the only perfon admitted to her toilet. Take particular care not to be the laft idolater at the fhrine of her beauty. -Adieu, my fon! I am going for a few weeks into the country at my return, when again I am furrounded by the world you are deſtined to live in-when af femblies, balls, drawing-rooms, and all my acquaintance, furnish me with a thouſand pictures of noble couples- [ 35 ] couples I fhall again renew my advice with my obfervations, and further prove myfelf, your affec- tionate mother, ********* ********** D 2 LET- [ 36 ] LETTER III. May, 1773. HE diftance I have recom- TH mended to you in my laſt let- ter, will not only alleviate every mis- fortune or inconvenience that may happen in future to you, but give a poignancy to the pleafures and comforts which I hope you will daily find in your union. It is a much greater misfortune in marriage, when the huſband ceaſes to love his wife, than when a wife ceaſes [ 37 ] ccafes to love her huſband. With a man's love generally ceaſes all common civility and attention; but a woman is obliged to keep up both to her huſband. My first wifh is, that you may ever love your wife; but as, by daily practice, eagles can look ſteadfaſtly at the fun without being dazzled by the brightness of it, fo, by degrees, you will be fo much accuſtomed to the charms of your wife, that they will lofe their effect upon you. I have imagined your wife to be beautiful and ac- complished; but he may not be perfect in every point of mind or perfon. Your familiarifing yourſelf D 3 with [ 38 ] } with her charms, will imperceptibly open your eyes to her defects; you will be ſurpriſed at yourſelf for not having perceived them before; they will gradually counterbalance her. merit in your heart, till that heart will grow infenfible to it, and find it, according to your ideas, in wo- men inferior to her in every refpect. I am not forming a misfortune for you; I am only telling you what does happen, what has, and what is moft likely to happen to married people. I cannot alter human na- ture, nor the marriage ftate. Be- tween the diforders incident to the firft, and the diforder we create in the [ 39 ] the latter, time is a bitter potion to fwallow. How heavy and dull will each hour drag on, that you are obliged to pafs with your wife, if you do not love her! How many pitiful excufes (if you make any) will you invent to leave her! Your own houfe, her home, will be difa- greeable to you.. I fee you going full gallop from the door, and re- turning curfing your horfe for walk- ing fo faft. Her mufic will be difcord to your ear; and when fhe beſtows any favour upon you, the infenfi- bility that familiarity has created, turned into diflike, will make you shrink from the touch of that fair- D. 4. handa [ 40 ] hand which others would kneel down to kifs. You will diflike her rela- tions becauſe they are hers; your coolneſs will be returned by them: your two families will reciprocally catch the infection, and mutually avoid each other. The only com- fortable pairs I have feen are, when the man is about fix and thirty years of age, and the woman five and twenty; and where there has been much contradiction in their inclination but I have fuppofed for you what is moft likely to hap- pen; that you will marry a very · young woman, in the height of youthful paffion for her perfon-I endea- [ 41 ] endeavour to preſerve that paffion, as the only perfect happineſs you will ever taſte of. I fhall not, in this fheet of paper, fet before your eyes the confequence to her of your not loving her; I confine myſelf merely to the mifery it will occafion in your mind. I have held up a fmall part of the picture to you; now I will preſent it all to you,:---- Young, amiable, beautiful, will the long bear your indifference in filent forrow? No; reproaches, tears, anger, jealoufy, fcorn, by turns will The feel and employ againft you; and when you no longer fee and hear thefe, be affured you are fup- planted [ 42 ] planted in her breaft by fome other object, moſt likely an amiable one, which ſhe will idolize more by com- paring your conduct to his, than for his intrinfic merit.-I have fup- poſed love totally erafed from your: breaft-but there is vanity ftill re- maining; and how will it torture you to ſee the fmile of contempt upon her lip, and the calm, fettled. glance of difdain in her eye, that before then bowed timidly with grief to the ground at the fight of your coldneſs !-how will your pride · bear the flaſhes of her youthful wit,. holding up by her manners, if not her words, your conduct in the drefs- of [ 43 ] of ridicule, when fhe is in fpirits; or the haughty and frozen deportment of her justly-offended merit, when fhe is in a melancholy mood ;- how will you bear to fee all the men of your acquaintance paying homage to the manners you think deteftable! - how angry will you feel with the world in general, ad- miring what you now defpife!-how much more, when you are obliged to affent to all the fine things you hear faid of her! My dear fon, I have feen lovers ceaſe to love their miftreffes, diſcarded by them, grieved and hurt to the foul at being obliged to give them up. No wonder ; women, [ 44 ] women, looked up to by the whole world, are of fuch intrinfic value. to a man's vanity, that it cofts him many a pang to renounce the idea of their being his. I hope you will never experience the pangs of disappointed vanity in this cafe ; though I fhould not pity you, if you did; for the inftant a woman becomes your victim, you fhould give her up; but preferve that gra- titude and eſteem for her, and that attention to her, as may prevent her from becoming the victim of any other man's vanity. An acquaintance of mine, who had [ 45 ] had for his wife one of the pretiieft women in England, bad a cuftem of faying before all company, that he thought his wife the prettiest coman in England. At the end of fome years, he not only ceafed to love his wife, but fancied himfelf in love with a woman whofe perfon was very inferior to that of his wife; but having fo repeatedly told his wife, his friends, and his acquaintances, that he thought his wife the prettiefe woman in England, he continued bravely repeating it, long after his friends thought, and his wife was very fure, that he difliked her very much: [ 46 ] 1 much to them he muſt have ap- peared foolish, and to her very falfe. My dear fon, your wife, loving or not loving you, may and will forgive you errors in friend- fhip, and many infidelities; but muſt deſpiſe you, if you appear falfe and fooliſh. Among many other pains I wiſh. to fpare you, I wish your conduct may fecure you and her from mutual reproaches, left you ſhould be filenced in the fame manner I once faw a huſband, who was taxing his wife with what fhe had done at one time, and [ 47 ] and what he had done at another; things very trivial, and what be- longed to her extreme youth and natural gaiety of heart. She liftened patiently to his long enumeration, which he ended with a-Can you deny all this? I expected a ferious defence from her, fuitable to the four- nefs conveyed in his language and looks; but fhe, with much candour and fpirit, faid,-All you have faid is true, and, with the temptations I had, I am aftoniſhed I did not do much more, and much worſe. Yes, my fon, I will, if my advice 15 [ 43 ] 1 is tafted by you, ever preferve you from having any occafion to enume- rate even the moft trifling follics committed by your wife. ********* LETTER [ 49 ] L LETTER IV. May, 1773. OOK among the great fami- lies in this kingdom; you will fee that relations are ſeldom friends. If you choſe to take the trouble of tracing moſt family diſputes to their fource, you would find that want of politeneſs is the primitive cauſe of them all. An aunt, an uncle, an elder brother or fifter, fancy, becauſe they are come into the world fome years before perfons whom they are allied to, that they may take any E 4 liberty [ 50 ] liberty of manner or ſpeech with them: thofe younger relations, dig- nified by their birth or eſtabliſhment, perchance too fupremely dignified in mind, and at a time of life when they are the brighteft ornaments of fociety, think, and justly think, their allies ought to be as refpectful to them, as the reſt of the world is. If, then, familiarity creates cool- neſs, and even diflike, between peo- ple who live but little with each other; how much more likely it is to produce abfolute averfion between two people who are to pafs their whole life together! I have heard one [ 51 ] one huſband ſay to a circle of friends, "O pray fit ftill, it is only my "wife ;" and, upon her coming into the room, never rife from his chair, but give, by his example, a liberty to his intimates to treat his wife only as his upper fervant. Another fays, 66 Why do you wear feathers, my "dear Fanny?" She anſwers, "It is "the fashion." He returns, "But I do "not like them, and you ſhould drefs "to pleaſe me. "That huſband fays this, becauſe he thinks he has a right to fay fo. A third tells his wife her new gown is ill chofen, and does not become her. A hundred fuch liberties hufbands E 2 [ 52 ] hüfbands daily take, which ſhock a woman's vanity and love of power. There is a pride in youth, in beauty, and fill a jufter one attend- ing a ſuperior underſtanding. I have fuppofed your wife poffeffed of them all; be affured, if ſhe is juft to her- felf, fhe will be fo to you-her edu- cation has taught her to be well bred in every action towards you; and if you are not fo to her, her judgment muft direct her fome time or other to retaliate, and copy your manners, referving her own for thoſe who may deſerve them. If you, or your wife, · or [ 53 ] 3 · or both indeed, fhould be feized with the love of travelling, never remain in the carriage with her above two pofts in a day. Men generally fleep in a carriage; women feldom or ever do. Frequently you meet a pair of gentlefolks, the man afleep, the wo- man reading. Your wife would not be afhamed to meet her friends, if they faw her reading in her carriage with her maid in it; but you there! fuch an occupation muſt be a fatire upon you, or a reproach to her. Then: you may be cold, and the may not be fo; in this cafe it muſt be an eter- nal difpute or facrifice about the glaffes being up or down. E 3. You may J } [ 54 ] 1 may like flying, fhe a moderate pace: your impatience or her nerves are to be exercifed in this cafe. It is fuch trifles as theſe, that fteal invifibly into the connection between you, that will make you, like other couples, lay the blame upon the words husband and wife-they are words only, my dear fon; and if you treat one another as if you were not huſband and wife, you will love one another for ever. I fee few married people happy; I wiſh you to be fo. When I retire from a croud of both fexes, I reflect upon the obfervations I have made upon the many ill-paired I fee. I fee 1 too [ 55 ] too the caufes of their difagreements. Few people imagine the livelieſt hours of my life are the fources of theſe letters; but it is from the world, and not from my own chains, that I draw my jufteſt pictures. My feeling heart might be partially fevere or flattering, were I to paint from them; but in the faults or follies of other married people, nothing can bias my pen but juftice. If any of your fex think it is dipp'd in gall, let them be affured it is becauſe I have found nothing but gall to dip it into. I fuppofe your wife ſtill younger E 4 than [ 56 ] than you are-though the natural timidity and playfulneſs of her age prevent her from making any re- flections at all, the time will come when her taſte and character will be. decided. Totally will it be your own fault, if you have not cheriſhed the tender branches of her inclinations, and made them twine about your heart for ever, while her mind looks to that heart alone for protection or comfort. I have converfed with very fen- fible men of every other civilized na- tion, as well as Engliſh. I never heard one yet that did not declare, that English 1 [ 57 ] English women were the first wo- men, the only women, they would chufe for wives. I, who efteem and pity my country-women as they de- ferve, and who have ftudied them much, proteſt theſe foreigners had a very juſt opinion. Mild, generous, romantically faithful are Engliſh wo- men by nature; but their minds, plunged into defpair by the men whofe victims they are, are forced to fly their tyrants or feek by cunning to mitigate the harſhneſs of their fate. Your jewels and plate you fecure from robbers; the most precious treaſure you have is have is your wife-ſhe is [ 58 ] is to be the mother of your children. My dear fon! * protect her firſt, I conjure you; and if fhe is an Eng- liſh woman, I, as another, will an- fwer for her behaving in fuch a man- ner as fhall inſure her your eſteem. ********* ******. * You wonder why I fo ftrongly mark this word-you look around for the dan- gers that threaten her-Envy and intereft, my fon, form a million-your relations- hers perhaps your very fervants may find fome account in dividing you-She, your wife, cannot protect you from their defigns; but you may protect her, and muft-yes, you must! J LETTER [ 59 ] LETTER V. May, 1773. T is not only from the fear of IT your growing infenfible to the pleaſures your wife's mind or perfon gives you, that I hold up the dan- ger of familiarity in fo ftrong a light; but from a more ferious fear of the effect that infenfibility may have upon her affections for you. Figure to yourſelf, my dear fon, that every man who fees her, will tell her, directly or indirectly, de- fignedly 1 [60] } ! * fignedly or not, how charming fhe- is. That univerfal power which beauty has in the breaſt of all man- kind, is not to be hid from any woman; and fools, infenfible to. every other advantage, are confcious of that power. It is that confciouf- neſs that leads women into irre- trievable errors, becauſe they ſee the effect of their merit over every mor- tal that approaches them but their own huſband. A friend of mine had a remarkable handſome hand and arm every one who faw either admired them, except her huſband, who did not feem to know fhe had an arm or hand belonging to her. I am. [61] I am certain fhe thought him very ftupid; for there are few women who are generous (or reflect) e- nough to attribute a huſband's in- difference to the true caufe, fatiety: no, my ſon, in fuch cafes, a wife thinks her huſband unfeeling, un- juft; he appears to her leſs poliſhed, lefs fenfible, than a dozen of other men in the room with him, who very likely are much inferior to him in point of taſte or understanding. Flattery is called a poifon; like ma- ny other poifons, judiciously admi- niftered, it may prevent or cure dif- orders. Never fail, when you have an opportunity, of paying your wife 1 a com- [ 62 ] 3 a compliment keep her in good humour with herſelf, and fhe will be fo to you :-I do not mean by compliments or flattery, that grofs kind of adulation, which makes the perfons to whom it is addreffed bluſh for themſelves and thoſe who give it -I mean thofe compliments, which your actions, more than all the foft words love invents, can pay her. For example: never interrupt her in the middle of a fong or an inte- reſting detail, to tell her your coach is at the door. You must be much more attentive to her graces and ac- compliſhments than to her beauty. Very few English women have grace, [63] grace, and it is looked up to by perfons of taſte as fomething very valuable from the rarity of it; and talents coft the brighteſt geniufes time and trouble: a woman, there- fore, can never forgive you over- looking fo uncommon a perfection as grace, and form a mean opinion of your judgment, if you do not pay attention to her talents. Lord Cheſterfield has already told us, that the most pleafing flattery that can be addreffed to a pretty woman, is the praiſe of her mind-thinking it a weakneſs peculiar to our fex; which it is not for, really, beauti- ful perfons of either fex are fo ac- cuſtomed [64] cuſtomed to the effect they have on all ranks, ages, and fexes, that they feem infenfible of it, and to every thing that can be faid to them upon the fubject-But look at the reverſe an ugly woman's virtue would be in great danger, if a man was to affure her be thought her pretty; and the first woman that likes an ugly man, makes him a coxcomb. Admiration is fo new, fo uncommon, fo unexpected a plea- fure to ugly people, that good ſenſe is taken by furprife, and lets in va- nity and all its train. I am very certain no beautiful woman 1 [ 65 ] woman exifts, that ever paffionately loved a man, who deferved to be fo, that has not faid to herfelf, "I with "I could try the experiment, and "be ugly, very ugly, for fome time, to fee if he would love me ftill!" A woman, who has a refined heart and mind, is always apprehenfive it is the charms of her perfon only, and not her merit, that keeps up your paffion for her-and if that was the cafe, how long could the imagine her happinefs to laft? Not a day; for in England beauty is fo common, that every third woman you meet in the street, is probably as handfome as your wife. ******* *** ****** F } [66] LETTER VI. HE human mind is an active TH principle; exifting upon the paft, or future; feldom reflecting upon the preſent moment, except when it is actuated by fome paffion. What, then, is imagination? Ima- gination is fcarcely ever thought of. I fhall endeavour to perfonify as much as poffible this word, to fhew you its dangerous effects. The picture I have drawn of your wife gives me leave to fuppofe fhe has a very lively imagination. Do not think that beings or things really exift- [67] exifting, agreeable or ctherwife, have half the power of turning her brain that imagination has. The huſband fees his young wife giving, with all the eagerness of youth, into diffipation and public amufements the prudent foul thinks it his duty to take her from them all, hurries her into folitude, and leaves her tête-à tête with the most dangerous of all companions, her own imagination. Young and good humoured, it will paint every paft fcene of diffipation in tints of rofe colour; it will drefs all her admirers in new graces and atten- F 2 الله tions, [ 68 ] tions, and reprefent her the only idol of admiration. I fee her in her chair before the fire, her eves fixed it. upon i I fee every faireal iden that dances in her eye, or dimples in her cheek- I fee, alas! that her husband's form fcarcely gleams upon the picure, or, if it does, it vanithes with the word husband. The fillness of the country, acceptable to the heart filled with an unhappy paffion, and grateful to a woman of fettled talents, is unfit for the mind of a happy wife. If yours is what I fuppofe her, public amuſements will in a very ſhort time grow tireſome to her; but, fhould they appear to be [ 69 ] be her paffion, multiply the diſeaſe to hurry on the cure: her elegant mind will naturally and foon feel the defire of forming a finall fociety where it may employ itſelf in all the charming duties that friendship and efteem demand of her. It is a well-chofen few that I would have you conftantly live with, flected from her acquaintance and yours. You are both young; iet your fociety be nearly of your own age; but, I repeat it, no folitude. Your fortune permits you to make your houfe a comfortable reception for your friends, and I hope your F 3 011 21- [ 70 ] manners will induce them to feek your company. I would wiſh you to be inferior in nothing but rank to every one at your own table. If you ſtill are your wife's lover, the diſtance you will be obliged to keep from her, in the prefence of your friends, will make your tête-à-têtes more charming; and the preference you will read in her eyes for you, will give you a fatisfaction you ne- ver can experience out of fociety. I would have you find, that every man in your houfe has merit enough to charm your wife, and your wife fancy every other woman might pleaſe you: that poffibility will make you [ 71 ] you behave in fuch a manner to one another, that thefe misfortunes will become impoffible. I do not mean that you fhould be jealous of one another; I mean to enhance the preference you give to each other. I repeat it, my dear fon; leave no room for your wife to build castles, to fancy the things fhe fees not are better than thofe before her eyes. A man, with his houfe full of com- pany, comes in with dirty boots and dripping hair, tired with the chace, and falls afleep in his wife's elegant dreffing-room. Any other perfon in the houſe he would avoid, or fend word he was not fit to be feen, and F 4 drels [ 72 ] drefs before he appeared. For hea- ven's fake! why is the wife to enjoy the only bad fituation he finds him- felf in, in the courſe of the day. No place adorned by art or nature to perfection, can pleaſe without fo- ciety; ftill will the fociable fpirit within make the eyes turn dejected on the ground, if there are not fome friends to partake with you the beau- ties of your folitude. I hear John Bull,"Why,my wife is my friend". Yes, my good friend John; but ſhe has been, he is, fhe muft be, your wife, and you her husband. The place is yours, is hers; and unleſs, like 1 [ 73 ] like Adam and Eve, you were the only human pair in your paradiſe, the fatisfaction is not complete with- out friends. The mind is formed for fociety; it must ever be a bad or mean reaſon that takes a man out of it. Society enlarges the heart, the underſtanding; refines the man- ners; and corrects the too natural propenfity all men have of fancying they are fuperior to the reft of the world. Delightful fenfation! to fee a few amiable perfons forgetting their for- rows in your files; or to perceive they watch the rifing figh, and chafe it [74] it with the chearful look of friend- íhip. How often have I, with a delicious grateful pride, feen people, whom I have an eſteem for, watch- ing my countenance, and taking mirth or fadneſs upon them as I have felt either! Then have I faid to myſelf, "I live in their hearts; "be mine the care to hide each "anxious thought that may difturb 66 my joys; be mine the care rather "to light up theirs." The defire of pleafing then created new graces in my converfation and manner, and I had the fatisfaction of feeing my. friends forget how faft the moments flew, and leave me with regret. Stupid [ 75 ] 75了 ​Stupid minds and vulgar, who cannot underftand what I have been faying, who pay vifits to kill time, and who talk only of the weather. and the conduct of other people, and who call fuch talk converfing, will accufe me of vanity; but every one, that feels and thinks as I do, will have experienced the pleaſures I have deſcribed. Form friendships, my fon, with people of both fexes; and be firm and faithful in the du- ties of them your wife fhould fee that you have many friends. When I ſay many, you will be too happy, if you can find four or five men, and as many women, who may de- ferve [ 76 ] ferve the precious name. Your wife will always fay to herfelf, "My "conduct fhall prove to him, to 66 '' them, that I deferve the first place among then in his heart." When I take fo much pains to fhew you the almoft conftant necef- fity of focity, I do not mean that you fhould ever fuffer any one to live conftantly in your houfe; not even your brother, or her fifter. If you have children, it will be a lucky, and perhaps a fingular, cir- cumftance, if you are not forry that fome one among them muft call your houfe their home. Your houſe fhould [ 77 ] fhould feel your home-fad fitua- tion, when a hufband or wife feels their home centered in a ftranger's breaft! Never fuffer any of your friends to talk to you at all about your wife. Let every one who ap- proaches you be utterly ignorant, from your language, of your fenti- ments about her mind, perfon, or manners; only let them fee that you treat her with reſpect, and all around you will model their conduct by yours. It is a foolish vanity that induces a man to praise the perſon of his wife, and diſcover a treaſure of hidden charms. Should your wife find out this imprudence, fhe muft [ 78 ] muſt deſpiſe you for it-her mo- defty, fhocked, must be leffened, or offended. Never adviſe or reprehend your wife before fervants, children, or friends advice or reprehenfion from : you, gives them leave to blame her, if not in your prefence, to many others. Should you ever differ in your opinion with her when tête-à- tête, and that neither will yield, never apply to a third perfon to de- cide between you. The unfortu- nate friend is at a lofs how to de- cide, being fure that you or your wife will diflike him, and perhaps, after [79] after fome time, both may condemn him. Your interefts are fo cloſely connected, that, in things of confe- quence, love and friendſhip will fet- tle the difpute; in trifling differ- ences, time will fhew which opinion was juft.I have imagined every circumftance that could keep up your paffion for one another, being certain there is no ftate fo happy as that of two married people who love one another. I fhall foon place you in other fituations, and demonſtrate that the conduct I have hitherto ad- viſed you to purfue, in the only fitu- ation I have yet placed you, will be as uſeful in thoſe you may in future find [80] find yourſelf fallen-ufeful to your own eafe and comfort, and ne- ceffary to hide from the world things it ought never to fee, or know, whatever its fufpicions may be. ** *** * ******. Poftfcript. Pray obſerve that when I fay ne- ver do fuch or fuch a thing, I mean never-for the fource of diffentions between married people is, that thoſe things fhould ever have been donealas! once done, they are repeated. LE T [ 1 ] LETTER VII. I AM ſorry to ſay that envy is the firft and great fource of all mif- chief in fociety and families. The world cannot bear to fee a few peo- ple living with harmony and com- fort together it is moft probable, that fome of your relations or your wife's, fome of your acquaintances or hers, who chufe to call themſelves your friends, will endeavour to poiſon the ſweets of your fociety, becauſe they are not conftant members of your moſt agreeable parties. Thefe G enviers [82] enviers of them will name a lover for your wife, or you a miſtreſs- nay, do not ſtart, my dear fon; they will. If chance or malice brings the whiſper to your ear, do not think that prudence directs you to fhut your door against the man or woman fup- pofed your or your wife's choice: juſt the contrary; let you and your wife fhew yourſelves every where accompanied by thefe perfons. Your wife's young and untainted mind will be as much fhocked at fuch re- ports as yours can be; but I appeal to your good fenfe only to fhew you the neceffity of the conduct I have preſcribed, by fuppofing the reverfe for [ 83 ] for a moment. Mr. * **. or Mrs. *** are no longer in your fet- Scandal will take care to ſay that your wife or you were jealous; and the very caution you ufe will be cited as a proof of connections be- tween you.-The next friends you are feen much with, they are a fe- cond lover or miſtreſs. Alas! muſt you part with them too?-Inftead of curing the reports, then, you in- creaſe them by this method. In the courſe of ten years your wife will have had ten lovers, and you as many miftreffes.-My fon, never let envy and detraction interrupt the private order and happineſs of your days. G 2 [ 84 ] days. Never give up a friend or companion that you like. Will en- vy and detraction make up the lofs? No; envy has a hunger and thirst of mischief which can never be allayed the more it is fed, the more it increaſes. The man that has no friends, is a miferable and contemptible object, with every ad- vantage that rank or fortune can beſtow. As yet I have fuppofed you in the moſt honourable and comfortable fituation; now I muft vary the ſcene. You are no longer in love with your wife-ftill you are her hufband; [ 85 ] hufband; do not, like moft of your fex, be cruel enough to add to that misfortune of hers, your not loving her, the many others nerally added to it. which are ge- You are then no longer her lover; be her friend: her own intereſt, her children's, the intereft of her fame and honour, conftitute her your first, your beſt friend. There is a gentleness in our natures, an attention to trifles in our ſex, which induce yours to open your hearts to us, and you do not bluth to enter into a detail of your feelings to us, when you ſcarce would own the cauſe of them to a G 3 man [86] 1 man-Perhaps your wife loves you ftill; fhe will miftake your friend- fhip for love-Too happy will fhe be, if, in deceiving herſelf, the che- riſhes her paffion for you-Leave her in her pleafing error; never tell her you love her no longer, or leſs than you did. Such a confeffion will deftroy her kind illufion. Loving you, and loving you not, her vanity would be fhocked at fuch a decla- ration. In either fituation of her heart, ſhould ſhe even fufpect a change in you, feeing that your good humour, confidence in her, your friendſhip and refpect, are not · fled さ ​[87] fled with your love, the will fay to herſelf, "If he is not in love with "me, he is better." Now, if with ceafing to love her, you ſhould be in love with any other woman, do not retort upon your wife the frowns, the caprices, or diſappointinents, you may fuffer from the object you are in purſuit of. Cruel as men are in general, the moment they ceaſe to like the perfon of their wives, forgetting all the amiable virtues of their hearts, meanly, bafely torment them, till they commit fome error, in which men fancy they have an excufe for their G 4 [ 88 ] their inconftancy, and a plea for fur- ther hardſhips, and juftify to them- felves their folly in preferring wo- men inferior to their wives in per- fon and accompliſhments. I do not fuppofe this; I have feen men often act in this manner: nor have I been furpriſed to ſee un- happy wives make advances to gain a lover, thinking to find fome com- fort for their forrows-fad reſource, to chaſe the weight of torments, by collecting new ones! Yet this fcene. paffes before my eyes daily. What humiliating court have I feen plain wives, neglected, make to men! Not [89] * Not fo with a beautiful injured wife; every man that approaches her will inform her of her huſband's folly by his endeavours to fupplant him in her affections, and ftrew the path of her imprudence with many a fragrant rofe, regardleſs of the thorns that may wound her reputation.-Why fhould you opprefs, hate, or perfe- cute, becauſe you can no longer love? The fingle recollection that a woman has been the object of your happieſt moments-the ſelected woman, whom you thought would adorn your houſe and name is enough to oblige you to preferve a tenderneſs, and a very great one, in your [ 90 ] your conduct towards her. There is no crime in not loving; you can neither command your thoughts nor your heart-but you may your ac- tions; and you must appear worth- lefs to all perfons who have minds, if, in your intercouife with our fex, you do not conduct yourſelf with tenderneſs, honour, and gratitude. I am aftoniſhed often how men can treat their own judgment fo ill, as to let the world fee they ever diflike and neglect what they once. courted and adored ! I know a man who aſked a hufband [91] huſband one day, why he had fuch an averfion to his wife: "for," faid he, "I give you leave to be tired "of her perfon; but her conver- "fation is of fuch a nature, that a 66 man of ſenſe would be happy to 66 pay for liftening to her-her man- "ners would grace a throne; and "her talents alone would fuffice to 66 pleaſe and entertain, were the ne- 66 66 ver to ſpeak a word- then her judgment is fo clear, that one "fhould feek her opinion in any "difficult cafe."-"All that is very "true," replied the huſband; " but "all thofe are become odious to (( me." Now, my dear fon, that Supreme [ 92 ] Supreme Power, who formed the human heart, alone can explain, how it can become fo perverted, to feel as odious what is inestimable. Oh, may you never make fo bitter a fatire upon yourſelf! ** ******. LETTER [ 93 ] LETTER VIII. F all the misfortunes that a married man falls into, there is none that fubjects him to the ri- dicule of the world fo much as jea- loufy. Once poffeffed by it, he feels it like a dagger in his heart; and yet it is only matter of diverfion. to all thoſe around him, and prin- cipally to the perfon who caufes it. It is very feldom that compaffion is a generous fentiment. If you muft inevitably be pitied by the world, let it rather be, becauſe it fancies you [94] you are miſtaken in your opinion of your wife, (nay, even deceived by her,) than becauſe you form a juſt idea of her conduct, fuppofing it to be fuch as muft create jealoufy in your breaſt. Of two evils you naturally would chufe the leaft: therefore, I adviſe you ever to ftand between your wife and the eyes of a mifchievous world, or people about you, who, from twenty felf-intereſted views, may wish to feparate you and your wife. All the hard blows which may wound her reputation, muft in the end fall upon you. If there fhould happen [ 95 ] happen any great difunion between ye, and you endeavour to juſtify yourſelf by throwing all the blame on her fide, the public may flatter your ungenerous hope for a fhort time, from the too natural propen- fity the world has of crufhing the weakest, and yielding to power, which is on your fide, not hers: but be affured, the unjuft illufion will not last long-merit and inno- cence oppreffed finds its home in the hearts of all the virtuous and illumined of either fex: by thofe, from the beginning of your difagree- ments, you will be avoided and ab- horred; [ 96 ] horred; and the public at large, envious and malicious as it is, will in the end blame you-if not for being the cauſe of your wife's ill conduct, or miſreprefenting it,-for not concealing it. How can any good arife from a fentiment which is founded on in- juftice? The height of injuftice is jealoufy. It is not at all wonderful that a man fhould be charmed with a beautiful and accomplished woman; but it is very much fo, that man, who is only natural and juſt in being ſo, ſhould be abfurd enough 1 [97] enough to be angry with another man, for being only as natural and juſt as himſelf. It is a glori us, chearful, bright day; the fun fhines in all its fplen- dour; how would you pity the man who would fhut it out of his room, and fit reading by the light of a candle, and cry, "I hate this day!" Yet the man, who does not ad- mire, and like the fociety of an amiable and accomplished woman, is ftill more to be pitied than he who difdains the fun. You, my fon, as a jealous hufband, would blame H [ 98 ] } blame him for difdaining the great vivifier of nature, yet be angry, if he admired your wife. Look at jealoufy, and its effects, without the pale of matrimony-the happiest lovers pals their time in making themſelves and their fweeteſt moments martyrs to it. I condemn it; but I knew it is infeparable from love, and like other bad at- tendants upon it. I would have you reflect upon it, and digeft it through reaſon; fo that it may ne- ver diſturb your happineſs, but be a ftimulator to that paffion, which is too apt to fade, and fink into in- difference, [ 99 ] difference, between married people. -Jealoufy is as frequent and tena- cious in friendſhip as in love; in both it fhould go fo far, and no farther You afk, how far I will fatisfy you. — Imagine, if you pleaſe, that the whole world wishes to be your miſ- trefs's lover, or your friend's first friend; but do not think they will ever permit them to be fo. Jea- loufy, thus managed, will enhance every thing your miſtreſs or your friend does for you. If your wife fhould be jealous of you, you muſt H 2 en. [100] ( endeavour to argue her out of her injuſtice, if ſhe is ſo without a cauſe, and if he has any just reafon for : being fo but, if your domeftic hours are to be paffed in one con- tinued ftorm, you must tell her, her fufpicions are true, and point out an object totally indifferent to you, for her to turn her jaundiced looks upon, either to tkreen the real one from her fufpicions, or to laugh her intirely out of her jealousy, when the diſcovers her miſtake. Jealouſy ceaſes to be, or turns into filent contempt, when there is cauſe [101ΙΟΙ ] cauſe for it; and I faid before, as the leaſt evil is the beſt of the two, for the comfort of your own life, it is better the fhould be fure fhe has loft your heart, than to pass her life and make yours miferable, by the conftant reproaches, juft or unjuſt,. of jealouſy.-Jealoufy is a fever; it must come to a crifis. I with, if it muſt be one among the many bitter pills you are to fhare between ye, that it may be intirely on her fide, and not on yours: for, if you are jealous, you have it in your power to make her quite wretched, and yourſelf as ridiculous as huf bands H 3 [ IC2] bands generally do, when that o- range coloured hue poffeffes their • mind; but if your wife is jealous, reproaches or filent grief can be her only reſources. ********* ******.. 1 LETTER P [103] LETTER IX. OVE cannot be defined. — I Lov was told once by a gentleman, that had wrote a very ingenious book, and published it, upon a ſci- ence which few men understand,. though most purfve it, in England, that he intended to publish another upon love, becaule very few people understood what it was. I adviled him to lay afide his intention; be- caufe love varied its form according, to the bolom it poffeffed for ex- ample, a mild, generous nature wil HA pro- [ 104 ] 2. produce a mild, generous love; a brutal, ignorant one, will exhibit a brutal, fooliſh love it is a fever of the mind, which, like fevers of the body, will fhew its malignity according to the mental conftitution of the perfon. Love, I repeat it, is not to be defined; nor is it to be conquered. Your heart will never afk your reafon leave to give itſelf away.I have prefcribed to you the conduct I wish you to purſue, in cafe you ſhould ceafe to love your wife: I muft now reverſe the pic- ture-it is on her fide this paffion has ceafed. In the firft pofition, your humanity and generofity may aid 2 1 [105] aid my counfel; in the laft, I have your pride, vanity, and anger, or all three at once, to corquer. Your wretched partner! how ma- ny ſtruggles, tears, and reftless nights, will it cost her, before the owns it to herſelf-how many more, before The confeffes her paffion for another! and yet, my fon, the one is the inevitable confequence of the other. This truth may fhock the cold pru- dence of fome who read theſe letters -perfons who would always have books repreſent the world as it ought to be, not as it is-that act as if they had no feeling, probably having none: [106] none but, as it is my fon's happi- neſs I value, and not the opinion of thole who judge only to condemn, I fhall keep my promife, and re- prefent truth without a veil. Ah! my fon, may fuch a wife as I have repreſented yours, find in your conduct a fhield to defend her from the poisoned arrows directed by envy only, and conftantly to fuperior me- rit! Her loving you no longer, does not diminish one of her talents, nor rob her of one beauty. Strive not to ftifle that flame which all the courage her mind can collect cannot conquer. Never tell your wife, you: know the loves you not, or loves another- [ 107 ] another-do not add to the pangs which already are labouring in her heart, which leffen her health and beauty, and which tear her foul, when the looks on you and her children. If a fenfible woman has a paffion, be affured it is never out of her thoughts a moment; her books, her mufic, her drefs, even her needle-work, tend to the object of it. Suppofing you are mean enough to make an excufe for taking. her out of the place where the can. fee him, the will invent one for ſtay. ing; or, if the quits it for another, he will follow her. If he does not,. the loving you not, and forced by you. from [108] from what ſhe does love, fhe muſt, alas! fhe muft deteft you. He may proceed to imprudences which may end in a feparation or divorce be- tween you look around you, and ſee what confufion divorces and fe- parations make! If, with the vanishing of her love for you, yours fhould ftill remain for her, and her conduct fhould oblige you to let her know you feel it, tell her you know you have loft her heart; but pity, and do not blame tell her, you cannot alter yours-that, if you was to follow the dictates of anger, you would part [109] part from her-that for her fake alone you will not-but, conſcious that your preſence must be painful to her, you will abfent yourſelf :— and, if the fervice of your country (for I hope you are a foldier) does not furnish you with an excufe to leave her for fome time, your eftates or your family may furniſh you with a plea to abſent youfelf; or, with the conduct I have prefcribed, you may eafily avoid being alone with her ten minutes in the four and twenty hours. Time then may do what her reafon has attempted in vain-Time alone. Yet certain, in this cafe, her lover's conduct may haften : [110] haften the period of her paffion for him; and never, never, my fon! ſpeak but once to her upon the ſub- ject, horrid to her, and painful to you much leſs ever let the eye of an idle, curious world, difcover that you do not live well together, as it is called; for when once a man fuf- fers what is called the world to fee or meddle in his domeſtic accidents, his wife and he feldom live at all together. The parting of a man and wife affects the children's intereft too much for me not to guard you against it. Then your two families are fet at variance with one another -yours blame her, hers will hate i you. } [ III ] you. You will accufe one another of being the cauſe of all the malice and nonfenfe that will enfue; and, between the wide breach a fepara- tion will make, Jour wife, though cold, innocent, and fpotlefs, as the falli go fnow from heaven, will fuf- fer in her reputation. No act of violence, my fon, is Suppofing a man ever forgiven. locks his wife up, then will her mind rove the more for the confine- ment of her body. How would you be treated, if you was to come into the chamber of her whom you have made a captive? Her foul, con- ſcious [112] ſcious of its natural right to inde pendence, will fpurn you from her fight, as a coward, who does ill, becauſe he dares. The wife's con- ftant foliloquy, who loves her huf- band, and is fure fhe has loft his heart, is this: "Who will love thee 66 as I do, inconftant? I will ima- gine a thouſand new ways to "pleafe, and fecure thee mine for "' ever." Now, this is the huf band's: " "My wife is an ungrateful "woman-fhe commits a crime" [that crime is ceafing to love him] "—if I urge it, fhe does not deny ❝ it—if I threaten, the threatens in her turn-if I plead my paffion " for } [113] for her, the filent tear that fteals "down her cheek, her averted "cheek, the hand the waves to "bid me retire, her cold looks "that fcarcely reſt a moment on ઃઃ my face, all tell me that I plead "in vain."O foolish and un- thinking man who cannot fee fhe is diftracted by every felf-reproach that can wound a feeling heart-her duty, his love, his very prefence, frightens the blood from her lovely face, and fends it hurrying to that heart that beats, alas! for another. I cannot conceive why huſbands are always fo unjuft, when they quarrel I [114] quarrel with their wives, to accufe them of ingratitude-it is the con- ftant and common reproach. Let me, O my fon! fet in your picture the example of every Englishman's rights and power, and you fhall judge what right you have to call your wife ungrateful. You are in love with her becauſe you cannot help it: the is not obliged to you, then, for the primitive caufe of her being yours.-You marry her, to get poffeffion of that perfon, which you otherwife could never approach: it is to fatisfy yourself, then, you take her; is the to be obliged to you [115] you for that?-Once your wife, you are probably the only man who has ever touched her cheek: are you the pure, untainted being that he is? In this point on whofe fide is the obligation, eh? You blufh, my fweet boy. Her rank is equal to yours: fhe cannot be obliged to you for confequence then; but her alli- ances are a feather in your cap.- Perhaps you make her fine prefents yes, but a huſband's power permits him to take them from her when he pleaſes; fo that any gratitude fhe might feel as a mistress for thoſe, muft vaniſh when the feels herſelf your wife. She trufts her whole for- tune, I 2 [ 116 ] tune, her happineſs, to you in be- coming fo; her time, her beauty, fhe devotes to you; her relations, her friends, fhe gives up for you: what do you give up in gaining her? Neither friends, relations, nor fa- vourite amuſements; you only add her, as another treafure, to the many you poffefs on whofe fide is the obligation? It is your paffions that drive you on, and her prefence you would feek, were fhe another man's wife, in defiance to prudence and honour, moft probably. She leaves a tender mother, a kind fifter, or an inftructing companion, who [ 117 ] who has watched the growing beau- ties of her mind with fond exultation: will the find thefe in you?-If, then, there is a breach in your affec- tions, if either one or both are mi- ferable by being united, it is the huſband, and not the wife, that is ungrateful. Your wife is not obliged to you for name, beauty, or education. She lived upon her fortune: it is not yours that make her live. She is admired. and courted by all who fee her: they do not borrow your eyes to ſee with. You take her, my fon, ob- ferve, you take her; but the gives 13. her- [118]] f herſelf to you: on whofe fide is the obligation?A man then fays to his wife," You are a moft ungrate- "ful woman: I love you paffionate- ly, and yet you do not love me!" This man loves, becauſe he cannot help it; and ſhe loves him not, be- cauſe his conduct, probably, has helped her thoroughly out of her love; for the loved him once- then I affirm it is he that is ungrate ful. Ingratitude is a reproach which can only be just where obligations. call for gratitude. I cannot fee what obli [119] obligation an Englishman confers on a woman when he marries her, and, having her, making her prefents, fcarcely ever fo magnificent as he- would make his miſtreſs, that he is. afhamed of owning he lives with. But I fee that your wife gives her- felf and all her fortunes away-the- poffibility of ever doing that again her entire liberty, her brothers,. fifters, and all her friends, for you -let her be furprifed with finding them all centered in you; and, if you are not, or are, her lover, let her find. in you her firft, her generous, and: grateful friend.. ********* ***** [ 120 ] LETTER X. L EST the preceding letter ſhould not have its effect upon you, and that you, or any of my readers, fhould be ſurpriſed at my repeating the words English man fo often, I fhall add, in this letter, a detail of all an English man may do with im- punity, and which no other huſbands can but the Engliſh. Any Sir John Brute may lock his wife up, and even beat her; and there is no power to whom a wife can ', [121] can apply to prevent him. He may infult and torment her in any way he pleaſes-he may never pay her pin-money—he may take the loweſt proſtitute, place her in his wife's coach, by his fide, travel in England with her where fhe is not known, and call her his wife, whofe good name is refponfible for every indecent folly the miſtreſs may be guilty of— A huſband may laviſh all his eftates and money upon women of the town, and there is no power to re- ftrain or correct him. In France, • a woman of quality's name fported with, fhe may get a lettre de cachet, and confine the cauſe of her huf band's [ 122 ] band's conduct and if a man of : great fortune and rank, in France, is. ruining his children, the families of the huſband and wife join and get a power to reſtrain him; and a wife has a right, if the pleaſes, to com- mence a law-fuit with her husband upon any trivial misconduct, and force him by law to give her a fe-. parate maintenance- nay, there is a higher power, to whom people of very high rank in France apply, their Sovereigns, who with care ge- nerally redrefs the wrongs of the op- preffed, and fupport by their coun- tenance, and often with a penfion, an injured wife. Is it fo in Eng- land 2 : [123] رام land? Alas! it is not; Majefty can only fee things in the light that the few who approach it chufe to throw upon it and what woman of high birth and ſpirit would chufe to de- ſcend from what the owes herſelf, enough to afk for juftice, without being certain of obtaining it; and ftooping to give a detail, even to her. Sovereign, when the lawleſs licen- tioufnels of England infults even Majefty itſelf! Theſe are facts which are often- fible-now turn and view the chance for happineſs a woman has in fimall domeftic concerns in England, where the ! [124] the ſports of the field, the houfes of parliament, and, above all, the clubs, forbid a woman to hope for comfort in the fociety of her huſband, bro- thers, or friends; for their converfa- tion, engroffed by theſe three grand objects, is more infupportable to women than folitude. Collect all theſe diſadvantages to women, and confider now, my dear fon, on whoſe fide the obligation is when a woman gives herſelf away in this country. You think, perhaps, you never could tranfgrefs the bounds preſcribed by civility, nor take ad- vantage of the tyranny you may ex- erciſe. [125] ercife. Ah! my dear fon, if you knew how imperceptibly familiarity brings on indifference, indifference creates incivility, incivility fows the feeds of diflike, and diflike ends in hatred; you would dread the firſt ſtep you take into your wife's apartment, much as you now adore her. How happy fhall I be, if I can, by fhew- ing you what may happen, prevent your looking back with pain on what has been ! 米米米 ​********* ******. LET- [126] LETTER XI. HESE Letters may fall into THE the hands of people in in- ferior fituations of life to yours. Seduced by the juftneſs of ſome of my advice, they may imagine they can improve their happineſs by following the whole they are miſtaken. The amufement and bufinefs attending moft profeffions, the hurry and conftant watchful- nefs of fome, the frequent abſences a profeffion of any kind obliges a man to make from his wife, en- hances [127] hances the pleafures of the mo ments he paffes with her: thofe moments are to him the only mo- ments of liberty; in your fituation, thofe moments are the only thing like flavery you will ever feel. You get up in the morning, cer tain you ſhall do nothing all day but juft what you pleafe. you That think your power generally makes a gentleman pleaſed with nothing, but very much difpleafed at the ennui he feels; which if wife alone can diffipate, you will be diſappointed-it will require an inexhauftible fund of good-humour in her only to support it Your apothecary, [128] apothecary, your cheesemonger, your taylor, every tradefman you have, is a happier being than you are. Good fouls! with their wigs, they hang up all their care of an evening, and forget the toils and contradictions of the day in the welcome of their wives and do- meftic fupper. Believe me, my fon, Cupid often flies the gilded room and damafk couch, and is found in humble ſpaces, where dif. mal prints, misrepresenting their moſt gracious Majesties, are the moſt magnificent ornaments and a green ſtuff bed is the godfhip's favourite throne. Yes, my fon, in general, [129] general, magnificence and content are wide afunder; and the human heart must be content, before it can yield to fofter or more paffionate fenfations. If you doubt the truth of what I fay, the frequency of feparations and difputes between married gentlefolks, and the rarity of them between tradefpeople, will prove my argument. The conduct I have adviſed you to have with fuch a charming wo- man as I have fuppofed your wife, muft not be obferved, if fhe fhould be a fool, particularly a pretty fool. You muſt govern her, my fon: K com- [130] commands, and no advice, fhe muft receive from you: the language of reafon and friendſhip is unintelligible to a fool. Never give her any reaſons why you will have things done fo and fo, but civilly fay fhe must. Permitting her to act for herſelf, will be expofing her and yourſelf to the ridicule of the whole world. If fhe has not fenfe enough to direct herſelf, you must direct her. Many men fancy they are good hufbands, faying, "I let my "wife do exactly what fhe "pleaſes," that is, not troubling his head at all what he does, fo that [ 131 ] that he is in good humour at his dinner or bed time. Wife, my fon, means compa- nion; and, if ſhe is not companion- able, the best thing you can do is not to let the world know it. Your family, your intimates, will in a fhort time find it out; and you will appear in a low and deſpicable light to them, if you let your fool run about to be the ſubject of the day. Your child you govern, that it may not, grown up, make you bluſh-govern your wife then, if ſhe has a childish mind; for, grown up to womanhood, that childish mind K 2 [ 132 ] mind will never be fit to walk alone. Fools are always fly, and artful. I have feen many lead or govern people of fuperior under- ftanding to themſelves. I never cautioned you againſt the art of a fenfible woman, but beware of the flynefs of your fool. weed that can only foil of a weak mind. Cunning is a flourish in the If, after all the caution I have given you againſt parting with your wife, fenfible or fooliſh, your tem- per or hers fhould make it im- poffible for you to live together, let me earneſtly recommend to you, my [133] Remain my dear fon, to part with her with all the generofity fhe has a right to expect, both as to money matters and words and manners. with her on writing and fpeaking terms; and if he has children, vifit her at least four times a year. In England, generally, when a wife and huſband part, all the huſband's connections defert, if not abuſe the wife, with or without caufe. A wife, parted from her husband, fuffers all the diſadvantages of wi- dowhood, without the power of giving herself to a man fhe loves: never rob her of the comfort of having her children, particularly her K3 gir's [134] girls-the common, though cruel method of proceeding of English gentlemen. Confider that this wo- man has wafted her bloom and time in fuffering exquifite torture to produce and rear thoſe children -that they are hers-ah! never take the advantage of an unjuſt power to tear them from her arms. If your wife is ill-tempered or fooliſh, or both, ftill your girls are better taken care of in her prefence than in yours: your vifits will keep her, and thoſe who have the care of them, in awe. I believe I have placed you in every [ 135 ] every fituation to which a married man may be expofed. I will never ſuppoſe you unmarried. I hold di- vorces as defperate and fhameful remedies to evil. Divorces make marriages in England more bare- faced indecencies than they are; and truly, if one reflects upon mar- riage at all, it is, without eclats of any kind, indecent enough to make one afhamed of it. The only wiſh I have left to form with the many I have diſcovered, and the many more I have con- cealed, is, that, if your wife is ſuch as I have fuppofed her to be, fhe K 4 may [136] may gain a total afcendency over your mind, and be the invifible cauſe of every step you take in life. May her power over you be fo gently exercifed, that no one may ever perceive it; and you only feel it by the love and efteem her fupe- riority may engrave on your heart for ever! Should you be naturally of a care- lefs and idle difpofition, hide it with care; be attentive to (and dwell upon) trifles. In money mat- ters, there is an old English proverb which fays, Take care of the pence, the pounds will take care of them- felves: [137] felves fo, in the current coin of events, great accidents rouſe the minds of the most indolent to act with prudence and propriety; but the finaller ones are too often neg- lected, yet from thofe only proceed the comforts or mifery which hang about us from morning till night.- I fhall conclude with a beautiful and ſtrong illuftration of what I ſay from Madame de Sevigny, who, writing to her daughter about her fon young Grignan, fays, "Nous tâchons de lui infpirer de "l'horreur pour cet air de Grand "Seigneur, de qu' importe, et "d'indifference, qui conduit à 66 toutes [138] 66 toutes fortes d'injuftices, et enfin ❝ à l'hôpital.” Yes, my child, that mauvais ton de qu'importe, ſeen in you, will be acquired by your wife, your children, and your vaffals; the neighbouring echo will catch the found, and, like the echo, your fortune, fame, and happineſs, will be loft in air, and then the world in general will justly fay, Qu' im- porte? Adieu, my dear fon! ********* ** ****** LETTER. } [139] LETTER XII. M Y lovely country - women. may immagine theſe Letters are written to deter them from en- tering into the marriage-ftate; ill- natured people may fay I mean to depreciate that ftate; but I proteſt I hold it as the most comfortable and honourable (honourably and comfortably treated) that ever was imagined, and that thefe Letters were written to make my fon happy, and the wives in England lefs [140] { lefs unhappy than they have hitherto been. If they have thefe effects, my wiſhes are anſwered; if not, at leaft I have a fecret confcientious pleaſure in doing what I think my duty towards my country,-a country where bravery in men, and beauty joined to ſoftneſs in women, mark out either ſex to be comforts to each other. How charming for a woman to dare avow a paffion for him, whom the world allows her to call her pro- tector and friend; and how painful to be obliged to obey and affociate with [141] with one, whom her innate dignity, honour, fenfe, and feelings, condemn! How fatisfactory, my dear fon, to call yours that merit which every man of taſte envies you the poffeffion of; and how difgraceful to feel afhamed of what was once your choice!-Such are the contrafts of married fituations, delightful, or bor- rible. Men chufe, and women only ac- cept; in general, therefore, when there is difcord in marriage, men ought to be more afhamed of chang- ing their opinions than women. But 1 [ 42 ] But I think I hear you afk, But does not the blooming maid of fix- teen, by accidents or time, grow disfigured in her face, and the gentle obedience of that age turn to ſpleen or ill-nature, when the Loves and Graces hover no longer around her? I grant it And that the gay and well-dreffed Strephon of twenty years old, turns at forty into a flovenly and bald- headed foxhunter, or grave poli- tician. Yet, through all the changes · of [ 143 ] of mind and perfon, man and wife may ftill be friends, confiding in each other their mutual accidents, and, by depofiting in each other's breafts only their changes, fpare an ill natured and ignorant public the favage amufement, and their own families the pain, of feeing difcord reign, where honour and gratitude, nay common fenfe, fhould hold out the picture of amity and ..concord. ********* ****** THE END. BOOKS printed for J. DEBRETT; (Succeffor to Mr. ALMON,) oppofite BURLINGTON HOUSE, PICCADILLY. Speedily will be publiſhed, THE HE NEW FOUNDLING HOS- PITAL for WIT. A new Edition, corrected, and confiderably augmented with feveral original Pieces, now first printed, and a great Number not in the former Edition, with many EXPLANA- TORY NOTES, &c. &c. The whole con- fifting of a great Variety of curious Papers, in Profe and Verfe. Written by Perfons of the first Rank, Diftinction, and Merit. In fix Volumes, elegantly printed. Price Il. s. bound. Several of the Pieces in thefe Volumes were written by the Duke of Wharton, Harvey, Marquis of Carmarthen, Capel, Earls of Cheſterfield, Delaware, Ladies M. W. Montagu, Irwin, Mifs Carter, Hardwicke, Carlisle, Bath, Chatham, Nugent, Palmeriton, Buchan, Lady Craven, Lords Lyttelton, Townshend, Seward, Hon. Charles Yorke, Horatio Walpole, Charles Townshend, Charles James Fox, Richard Fitzpatrick, Sir W. Jones, J. Mawbey, J. Moore, Dr. A 514528 DUPL } ཏིར སཱུ ཨུཀྑཡཱ ཨི ''5©**v=4#*f2£6**4h** } }