ARTES
LIBRARY
1837
VERITAS
SCIENTIA
OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
AJAJAJAŁ
L.
SE
LURIBUS UNUM
TUEROR
SI-QUÆRIS-PENINSULAM-AMŒNAM.
CIRCUMSPICE
4933
828
1648
LETTERS
FROM A
PEERESS OF ENGLAND
TO HER
ELDEST SON.
LONDON:
Printed for J. DEBRETT, (Succeffor
to Mr. ALMON,) oppofite Burlington
Houfe, Piccadilly.
MDCCLXXXIV.
12-27-27703
THESE LETTERS were found in a
pocket book, in the foot path that leads
from Fulham to Hammerfmith. The
perfon who picked them up, hopes the
public will read them with the fame
pleaſure he felt in the perufal of them;
and that the Authorefs of them will
pardon his giving them to the world be-
fore the time ſhe intended. The fame
pocket-book contained fome unfiniſhed
works, which fhall foon be returned to
her, uncopied and untouched,-as he
thinks any alteration in her ftyle would
diminish the merit of it.
English
Do bull
1. The
14416
LETTERS, &c.
PREFATORY LETTER.
1773.
TH
HE other morning I was talk-
ing to a friend of mine whofe
underſtanding I have a great opinion
of. The ſubject of our converfation
was matrimony. Though Mr. ***
and I often differed in our opinions
upon
B
[ 2 ]
upon the fubject, we both agreed
matrimony, in this country, was lefs
calculated to make people happy
then any other inftitution human or
divine. We were both by turns
fevere and facetious upon it; but
wit and pleaſantry at laft gave way
to ferious truth, and we agreed it
was a neceffary evil, and ever muſt
retain its power. We fettled feveral
points in which we could turn that
power into the comfort of either ſex;
but that, as it now remains, is a
power which is the fource of all the
mifery of that part of human kind
which moſt deſerves to be happy,-I
mean the ſofter ſex, whofe education
and
[
3 ]
and nature makes it bear in patient
and dumb regret the arbitrary power
an Engliſh huſband has over his wife.
The ferious turn our converfation
had taken, cauſed a filence of a few
minutes, which I fhould not have
interrupted, when my friend faid, It
indeed impoffible for one human
being to be more in the power of
another, than an English wife is in
that of her husband. You cannot
alter this melancholy truth, nor the
opinions and prejudices of the
fent age; but you have a fon, and
I hope you will form his mind after
your own ideas, and teach him to be
happy himſelf, by making the woman
pre-
B 2
hc
[
4 ]
he is deſtined to live with perfectly
fo. Mr. *** left me; his laft words.
flung me into a deep reverie. I faw
you, my dear fon, in idea, grown up
I faw you at one and twenty with
all the gallant fpirit and beauty that
fhould be tranfmitted to you from
my noble anceſtors-I faw thofe ad-
vantages abuſed by the licentiouſneſs
of a country, where generous minds
and virtuous principles fuffer the
moſt ignominious ſlavery—under the
facred name of liberty; I faw your
mind tainted by prejudices, and your
heart heardened. There imagination
left the picture I had drawn, and
the tenderneſs of my heart made me
with
[ 5 ]
wish you could ever remain the help-
leſs lovely infant I then faw really
before my eyes; my care and atten-
tions your fole protection, and my
arms your fafeſt refuge. Reflection,
accompanied by all the dignity af
truth, told me the wifh was im-
poffible: And fhall I, cried I, and
kiffed my pretty boy, who dare at one
and twenty think and condemn from
conſcious worth-fhall I fuffer my
boy, when he is one and twenty, to
be afraid of acting from himfelf-and
I his mother? In short, I followed the
irreſiſtible impulſe I felt of addreffing
you upon the moft material of all
ſubjects-I fhall write one or two
B 3
letters
[ 6 ]
letters in a year to you, till I think
I can adviſe no further. When you
read them, your own reafon is the
only judge I appeal to in any doubt
that may ariſe in your mind from
the fingularity of many things I fhall
fay; for I foreſee you will think them
fingular, till you have weighed
them in the ſcale of judgment. I
mean to place you to yourſelf in
every fituation, agreeable or otherwife,
to which a married man is expofed;
I mean you ſhould read them at a
time of life, when, governed by your
paffions, you will oft want a friend
who is biaffed by none. What motive
can I have for taking this trouble,
but
[ 7 ]
but my regard to your happineſs,
mingled with the pity I feel for my
own fex?
In all probability, the greateſt part
of your life will be paſſed in the mar-
riage ftate. I fhall endeavour to pre-
vent you forming to yourfelf agreea-
ble illufions, that will vanifh upon a
nearer approach, and leave you to
drag your chains with
regret for
the remainder of your life, or break
them in a manner which must ever
be a painful or fhameful thorn
in your memory. In marriage,
as in life, be affured it is not
the pleaſant or difagreeable things
B 4
that
[ 8 ]
that may happen to you that abſo-
lutely conftitute your happineſs or
mifery. The manner in which you
conduct yourſelf under thoſe events,
will moſt influence your peace of
mind-peace of mind; a treaſure no
misfortune can deſtroy- the great-
eft enemies to it are your own paf-
fions, inevitably attached to human
nature, which grow with your ftaturę,
ftrengthen with your reafon, and
never leave you but with life. Re-
flection cannot annihilate them, and,
were that poffible, Heaven forbid I
ſhould adviſe you to fupprefs them.
Sources of delight! they were given
us that we might enjoy every blifs.
Treat
[ 9 ]
Treat them as friends, but oftener as
fervants, and you will find them, by
turns, uſeful and oftenfible plea-
fures.
It is innumerable the perfons who
have in this and paſt ages addreſſed
women on every ſubject and in
every
fituation in life. This general ad-
drefs has been a general error, parti-
cularly in this country, where, from
the laws and difpofitions of men, wo-
men are almoſt in every refpect
made a fecond fort of beings, de-
pending on (and deriving their only
confequence from) the approbation
of men. The perfons who have ad-
viſed
[ 10
}
]
viſed our fex have always failed in
their good intentions--in all ages
we have run into the fame errors,
been ruined by the fame faults,
drawn into them by the fame cauſes,
and in general the most accomplished
of our fex have appeared the moſt
blameable in the eyes of the world.
Why this? Becauſe all thofe who
have given us rules to follow, have
not confidered that our ftate of de-
pendence makes it impoffible for us
to act for ourſelves: the men we be-
long to are the firſt cauſes of every
action, good or bad, that we commit;
to them therefore we ought to ad-
drefs our eloquence and reafon, if we
mean
[ 11
11 ]
mean to make the world in general
more rational or happy than it has
hitherto been. It is a fweet and be-
nevolent ſenſation I experience, when
I think, that, fhould I be diſap-
pointed in the hopes of my own
offspring's attending to my council,
others may pluck fome refreſhing
flower from the noſegay I am mak-
ing up
and it may ſweeten
the path they are deftined to walk in.
Wear it near your heart, my fon;
you are the object it ſhould moſt
adorn it was my high beating,
for you,
·
haughty, but infinitely tender heart,
that imagined this prefent for you:
upon
[ 12 ]
upon me, when ſcarcely of age, the
world bestowed all its gaieties, all its
homage, its joys, and my fleeting
hours their intoxicating charms; I,
my fon, extract from all I fee, and
all I hear, advice, which, when re-
tired to my own room at night, I
confecrate to you, my dear child—I
impatiently get rid of diamonds, fea-
thers, robes, and waiting-women; I
collect the world, and all its malice,
within the narrow circle of my bed-
curtains-place you in the midft of
the horrid picture-and with the ut-
moſt pleaſure fave you from forrow
or remorse, by reprefenting what
may
[ 13 ]
may happen. Heaven profper my
affectionate defign, and make the
following Letters the bouquet de fête
eternal to your future days!
********* ******
LETTER
[ 14 ]
14]
LETTER I.
March, 1775.
Do
O not imagine, becauſe the law
has put your wife intirely in
your power, that it is juft or right
fhe fhould be fo. I have heard
men boaſt of that power, as if it
was conftituted by their merit.
Trace that power to its fource, and
you will find it proceed from the
natural propenfity Engliſhmen ever
had for tyranny. It was men who
made the laws, and thofe give a
man an unlimited power over his
wife.
[ 15 ]
wife. Jack Ketch might, with the
fame propriety and delicacy, boaſt
of his hanging his fellow-creatures
with impunity, as a huſband to ſay
he may
lock up
his wife, not give
her any money, or ſuffer her to en-
joy the amuſements and focieties
fhe likes.You ftart, my fon—
I have heard some; not only one,
obferve; but ſome huſbands boaſt of
thefe barbarous privileges.
Let no one who reads theſe letters
imagine, from the beginning of them,
that I mean to depreciate your fex,
or draw a flattering picture of my
own. My fole intention is to ſhew
you
[ L
16 ]
you human nature as it is, taking
from before it all the fkreens which
cuftom, prejudices, and laws, have
placed: ftrong and numerous as
they are, nature will ever maintain
its power in the human breaft. Na-
ture, ever juft, has given to both
fexes the fame paffions: your own
feelings will inform you that we
have as great a right to exerciſe
thoſe paffions as you have; almoſt
every wife book, or faying, orders and
adviſes us not to feel their power.
Many men think they govern their
paffions, but many more never think
of them at all. Thoſe who fancy they
mafter theirs, are blinded by vanity,
the
[ 17 ]
the most ridiculous of all the paf-
fions; and thoſe who never reflect
upon them, are made varying
victims, by all the paffions by turns;
and from the firft ftep they take into
the world, to the moment they fall
into the grave, their lives and
opinions are deſpicably inconſtant
and uncomfortably reſtleſs-I repeat
it, my fon, manage your paffions
properly; they are the fources of
our happineſs. The defire of my
heart is fatisfied, if I prevent yours
from being the caufe of that variety
of mifery with which an Engliſh
life abounds.-I will now fuppofe
you married to a beautiful young
C
woman
[ 18 ]
woman that you are paffionately
fond of; I will fuppofe her
poffeffed of every talent, every
grace, and her mind and temper
making all theſe advantages appear
in the ſtrongeſt light-this is the
fituation in which I fhall first place
you; becaufe, if you know the value
of fuch a woman, fuch a fituation
only can gratify the pride and
tenderneſs of your heart; and if
that heart has as much of both
as I wifh, fuch a companion
as I have drawn only is capable
of beftowing happiness upon you.
Let your firft ftep be to make
her independent as to money. If
her
[ 19 ]
1
her family have been careleſs in your
marriage fettlements, and forgot the
article of pin-money, fettle the pin-
money ſuitable, out of your own
power, that ſhe never may experience
the humiliation of dependence. Let
her comfort and her pleaſures be
the ſtudy of your life, and yours
will be one continued fcene of
pleaſure. Never give her the leaft
cauſe to imagine you know the
extent of your power over her;
never let a word efcape your lips
that may make her recollect that
harfh one, obey. If the ever thinks of
it in its full force, I will anfwer for
her being afraid of you; and tho'
I fup-
C 2
[
20 ]
I fuppofe fhe loves you as much as
you love her, it will not be for a
long time, if once the feels afraid
of you. Make her believe you are
her flave, and then he will be
in her mind as well as perfon
yours. Woman is by nature a more
obedient and gentle creature than
man; but the moft timid of us all
has a will of her own, which, con-
fined, only grows ftronger. Once
perfuade woman the acts from her-
felf, and ſhe will have no will but
yours. The first thing that ſtrikes a
woman's mind upon the firſt diſa-
greeable thing her huſband does, are
the words the pronounced at the ce-
remony
[ 21 ]
remony of her marriage; fhe has
promiſed to love, to honour, and
obey. The firft is not in her own
power; the ſecond is impoffible,
if her huſband is a defpicable ob-
ject; and the third, let him be
what he may, ſhe muſt fulfil to the
utmoſt extent of the word, and
therefore detefts the found of it-
from a natural confciouſneſs, that
no human being has a right to con-
trol our actions, when we are ar-
rived at the age of reafon. We only
hate control the more for knowing
we are obliged to fubmit to it—
fuch is human nature. You will
fee men, who, from inclination,
C 3
would
لسنة
22 ]
}
would paſs the greateſt part of their
lives out of their own country, once
exiled, they will, at the hazard of
a diſcovery, at the expence of ſo-
ciety, and their own name, return,
and live obfcurely in fome remote
corner of it. I never walked in
a ſhrubbery ſurrounded by a funk
fence, that I did not imagine I had
half a dozen good reaſons for wiſh-
ing to cross the fence in half a do-
zen different places. Believe me,
my dear fon, there are many wives.
who would, at the hazard of their
necks, leap the many funk fences.
hufbands place round their free-will.
Wherever law or cuftom has given.
you a funk fence, plant it up with
every
[ 23 ]
every ſweeteſt fhrub to fkreen it
from the eyes of your wife: by
theſe I mean the attentions and re-
fpectful tenderneſs with which your
ſex ſeduce our hearts, and keep up
that charming union, often feen be-
tween a lover and his miſtreſs, but,
to your diſgrace I fay it, which you
fo ſeldom continue after he has
conferred the higheſt obligation on
you, by folemnly fubjecting her time-
and perfon to your caprice. Though
Love is a child, it can never be
made fick of fweets. Juftly is it
reprefented to us in that form; in
fmiles and pleaſure it exifts, but
C &
Alies
[ 24 ]
flies at the approach of frowns or
care. Ever remember that this child
has wings it does not ſtay to make
faces, and fhew you its diftafte to
the bitter potions it fees prepared
for him; it is fled far off before
you imagine it means to go; and
though your wife (as every vir-
tuous woman does) may reproach
herſelf with not loving you, pre-
tend that he does, and make
herſelf wretched upon finding the
loves you no longer, ftill fhe loves.
you not; nor can fhe, if her love
is once extinguiſhed by fear.
There are many extinguiſhers to
love,
[ 25 ]
love, but none fo common as fear,
none half ſo irretrievable, none half
fo dangerous; the moſt obvious, the
leaſt to be avoided. A woman of
leſs refined underſtanding and heart
than I have fuppofed your wife to
have, though blind to all your faults,
will not be blind to your power: I
recommend to you, therefore, to hide
it. You may even annihilate the
very idea of fear in her breaſt.
Love or Friendſhip admits of none
but that elegant fear of difpleafing
or giving pain to what we love.
The more noble a mind is, the more
it abhors the idea of flavery or fear.
I fhould
[ 26 ]
1
I fhould rather call the fear I admit
of, a hope; for fear is ſo deteftable
a ſenſation, that I am certain no
great mind will ever ſubmit to it;
it riſes above all fear, and prefers
death to flavery. -Good night,
my dearest fon. May your heart be
as gentle and affectionate as I fup-
pofe your partner's to be!-I am
this night returned from a ball,
where one of my partners danced as
if he had two wooden legs before
he had finished one dance. When
I ſaw that, I told him I was tired,
and would fit down the next dance,
knowing we must change partners.
the
[ 27 ]
the dance following.I hope, in
the great dance of life, you will ne-
ver accompany your partner with a
bad grace, leſt ſhe ſhould quit you
as I did mine in a leſs ferious man-
ner this night.
********* ******
LETTER
[ 28 ]
LETTER II.
April, 1773
I
Have admitted to your wife the
fear of difpleafing you; leave to
her likewiſe all her natural modefty.
Huſbands generally teach their wives
to be immodeft, and then hate them
for being ſo. A married man returns
from a journey; his wife with a room
full of people thinks it right to em-
brace him before the whole circle: if
that man her huſband was only her
lover, would fhe act in that man-
ner?-No.
Do
[ 29 ]
Do not fleep in the fame bed,
nor, if you can avoid it, in the fame
room with your wife. How indelicate
for you to ſtep into her bed, and
her maids in the room; or into her
bed-chamber, even whilft fhe is un-
dreffing. Her bed and chamber are
yours: if you ſtay out late, her at-
tention will make her fit up for you;
or, fhould you retire with a head-ache
at nine o'clock, fhe will think it her
duty to go to bed at that hour. A
thouſand circumftances may happen
that will make her afraid of beftow-
ing that time upon her perfon that
cleanliness requires a million of
little fears of this fort fhe will feel by
turns.
[ 30 ]
1
:
turns. Her delicacy in all of them
will make her indelicate, and her
affections may become troubleſome,
if not extinguish yours. I do not
fay you ſhould never fleep with your
wife I fay have two beds, two bed-
chambers. There will happen, in
the courſe of time, feveral unavoid-
able circumſtances which may make
her an unpleaſant companion in bed,
and you very difagreeable, fuppofing
difcord fhould never reign between
you:-but fuppofe, for an inftant,
you quarrel,-how horrid to be o-
bliged to inform your whole houſe,
and your upholsterer, that you chufe
no longer to fleep with your wife.
Never
1
[ 31 ]
Never come near your wife's bed
till her maids are quite retired from
the apartment. If you were her
lover, you durft not, and if you mean
your wife fhould love you, never let
the huſband take any greater liberty
than the lover would. Scarcely ever
attend your wife's toilet; fhe will be
afraid of beſtowing thoſe pains upon
her perfon fhe ought, left you ſhould
fufpect her of coquetry-and yet at
breakfaſt the means to pleaſe you
more than fhe did an hour before
when undreffed; and at dinner, en
grande parure, ſhe intends you ſhould
find her ftill more charming. Were
I a man, I fhould think it a bad
fign,
[ 32 ]
}
fign, if my wife wore an ugly night-
cap ill placed, or a handkerchief
carelessly thrown round her neck in
a morning; yet, if I attended her
toilet, twenty fuch awkward cir-
cumftances would certainly happen.
What an abominable thing for a
man to come into a woman's room
when her fhoulders are expofed, or
fhe is drawing on her ſtockings, par-
ticularly when there is a third perfon
by! and yet huſbands do this con-
ftantly. I hope neither you, or any
other reader, imagine thefe Letters
are to be trifling, becauſe I begin by
citing trifles. It is not two or three
confequential great qualities in the
heart
[ 33 ]
heart of a married man that will
make his life, or that of his wife,
happy. Ah no, my fon! it is the
attention to trifles, ten thousand of
which I may perchance forget in the
courſe of a million; at least, which I
ought to delineate, and which, neg-
lected, make married people in ge-
neral fo unhappy. I cannot help it.
that marriage generally deftroys the
very principle from whence it fprings,
love the most charming of all
paffions; but I fee the errors in it-
I would have you avoid them. A
young and pretty woman never looks
half fo much fo as when her hair is
D
flying
1 34 ].
flying about, untortured by pins.
Your wife is both pretty and
young; you may ask her leave to
fee her often while her hair is dreff-
ing-if he has fine hair, you will
not be the only perfon admitted to
her toilet. Take particular care not
to be the laft idolater at the fhrine
of her beauty. -Adieu, my fon!
I am going for a few weeks into the
country at my return, when again
I am furrounded by the world you
are deſtined to live in-when af
femblies, balls, drawing-rooms, and
all my acquaintance, furnish me
with a thouſand pictures of noble
couples-
[ 35 ]
couples I fhall again renew my
advice with my obfervations, and
further prove myfelf, your affec-
tionate mother,
*********
**********
D 2
LET-
[ 36 ]
LETTER III.
May, 1773.
HE diftance I have recom-
TH
mended to you in my laſt let-
ter, will not only alleviate every mis-
fortune or inconvenience that may
happen in future to you, but give
a poignancy to the pleafures and
comforts which I hope you will
daily find in your union.
It is a much greater misfortune
in marriage, when the huſband ceaſes
to love his wife, than when a wife
ceaſes
[ 37 ]
ccafes to love her huſband. With
a man's love generally ceaſes all
common civility and attention; but
a woman is obliged to keep up both
to her huſband. My first wifh is,
that you may ever love your wife;
but as, by daily practice, eagles can
look ſteadfaſtly at the fun without
being dazzled by the brightness of
it, fo, by degrees, you will be fo
much accuſtomed to the charms of
your wife, that they will lofe their
effect upon you. I have imagined
your wife to be beautiful and ac-
complished; but he may not be
perfect in every point of mind or
perfon. Your familiarifing yourſelf
D 3
with
[ 38 ]
}
with her charms, will imperceptibly
open your eyes to her defects; you
will be ſurpriſed at yourſelf for not
having perceived them before; they
will gradually counterbalance her.
merit in your heart, till that heart
will
grow infenfible to it, and find
it, according to your ideas, in wo-
men inferior to her in every refpect.
I am not forming a misfortune for
you; I am only telling you what
does happen, what has, and what
is moft likely to happen to married
people. I cannot alter human na-
ture, nor the marriage ftate. Be-
tween the diforders incident to the
firft, and the diforder we create in
the
[ 39 ]
the latter, time is a bitter potion to
fwallow. How heavy and dull will
each hour drag on, that you are
obliged to pafs with your wife, if
you do not love her! How many
pitiful excufes (if you make any)
will you invent to leave her! Your
own houfe, her home, will be difa-
greeable to you.. I fee you going
full gallop from the door, and re-
turning curfing your horfe for walk-
ing fo faft. Her mufic will be difcord
to your ear; and when fhe beſtows
any favour upon you, the infenfi-
bility that familiarity has created,
turned into diflike, will make you
shrink from the touch of that fair-
D. 4.
handa
[ 40 ]
hand which others would kneel down
to kifs. You will diflike her rela-
tions becauſe they are hers; your
coolneſs will be returned by them:
your two families will reciprocally
catch the infection, and mutually
avoid each other. The only com-
fortable pairs I have feen are, when
the man is about fix and thirty
years of age, and the woman five
and twenty; and where there has
been much contradiction in their
inclination but I have fuppofed
for you what is moft likely to hap-
pen; that you will marry a very ·
young woman, in the height of
youthful paffion for her perfon-I
endea-
[ 41 ]
endeavour to preſerve that paffion,
as the only perfect happineſs you
will ever taſte of. I fhall not, in
this fheet of paper, fet before your
eyes the confequence to her of your
not loving her; I confine myſelf
merely to the mifery it will occafion
in your mind. I have held up a
fmall part of the picture to you;
now I will preſent it all to you,:----
Young, amiable, beautiful, will the
long bear your indifference in filent
forrow? No; reproaches, tears,
anger, jealoufy, fcorn, by turns will
The feel and employ againft you;
and when you no longer fee and
hear thefe, be affured you are fup-
planted
[ 42 ]
planted in her breaft by fome other
object, moſt likely an amiable one,
which ſhe will idolize more by com-
paring your conduct to his, than
for his intrinfic merit.-I have fup-
poſed love totally erafed from your:
breaft-but there is vanity ftill re-
maining; and how will it torture
you to ſee the fmile of contempt
upon her lip, and the calm, fettled.
glance of difdain in her eye, that
before then bowed timidly with
grief to the ground at the fight of
your coldneſs !-how will your pride ·
bear the flaſhes of her youthful wit,.
holding up by her manners, if not
her words, your conduct in the drefs-
of
[ 43 ]
of ridicule, when fhe is in fpirits; or
the haughty and frozen deportment
of her justly-offended merit, when
fhe is in a melancholy mood ;-
how will you bear to fee all the
men of your acquaintance paying
homage to the manners you think
deteftable! - how angry will you
feel with the world in general, ad-
miring what you now defpife!-how
much more, when you are obliged
to affent to all the fine things you
hear faid of her! My dear fon, I
have feen lovers ceaſe to love their
miftreffes, diſcarded by them, grieved
and hurt to the foul at being obliged
to give them up. No wonder ;
women,
[ 44 ]
women, looked up to by the whole
world, are of fuch intrinfic value.
to a man's vanity, that it cofts him
many a pang to renounce the idea
of their being his. I hope you
will never experience the pangs of
disappointed vanity in this cafe ;
though I fhould not pity you, if
you did; for the inftant a woman
becomes your victim, you fhould
give her up; but preferve that gra-
titude and eſteem for her, and that
attention to her, as may prevent her
from becoming the victim of any
other man's vanity.
An acquaintance of mine, who
had
[ 45 ]
had for his wife one of the pretiieft
women in England, bad a cuftem of
faying before all company, that he
thought his wife the prettiest coman
in England. At the end of fome
years, he not only ceafed to love
his wife, but fancied himfelf in love
with a woman whofe perfon was very
inferior to that of his wife; but
having fo repeatedly told his wife,
his friends, and his acquaintances,
that he thought his wife the prettiefe
woman in England, he continued
bravely repeating it, long after his
friends thought, and his wife was
very fure, that he difliked her very
much:
[ 46 ]
1
much to them he muſt have ap-
peared foolish, and to her very
falfe. My dear fon, your wife,
loving or not loving you, may and
will forgive you errors in friend-
fhip, and many infidelities; but
muſt deſpiſe you, if you appear
falfe and fooliſh.
Among many other pains I wiſh.
to fpare you, I wish your conduct
may fecure you and her from mutual
reproaches, left you ſhould be filenced
in the fame manner I once faw a
huſband, who was taxing his wife
with what fhe had done at one time,
and
[ 47 ]
and what he had done at another;
things very trivial, and what be-
longed to her extreme youth and
natural gaiety of heart. She liftened
patiently to his long enumeration,
which he ended with a-Can you
deny all this? I expected a ferious
defence from her, fuitable to the four-
nefs conveyed in his language and
looks; but fhe, with much candour
and fpirit, faid,-All you have faid is
true, and, with the temptations I
had, I am aftoniſhed I did not do
much more, and much worſe.
Yes, my fon, I will, if my advice
15
[ 43 ]
1
is tafted by you, ever preferve you
from having any occafion to enume-
rate even the moft trifling follics
committed by your wife.
*********
LETTER
[ 49 ]
L
LETTER IV.
May, 1773.
OOK among the great fami-
lies in this kingdom; you will
fee that relations are ſeldom friends.
If you choſe to take the trouble of
tracing moſt family diſputes to their
fource, you would find that want of
politeneſs is the primitive cauſe of
them all. An aunt, an uncle, an
elder brother or fifter, fancy, becauſe
they are come into the world fome
years before perfons whom they are
allied to, that they may take any
E
4
liberty
[ 50 ]
liberty of manner or ſpeech with
them: thofe younger relations, dig-
nified by their birth or eſtabliſhment,
perchance too fupremely dignified in
mind, and at a time of life when
they are the brighteft ornaments of
fociety, think, and justly think, their
allies ought to be as refpectful to
them, as the reſt of the world is.
If, then, familiarity creates cool-
neſs, and even diflike, between peo-
ple who live but little with each
other; how much more likely it is to
produce abfolute averfion between
two people who are to pafs their
whole life together! I have heard
one
[ 51 ]
one huſband ſay to a circle of friends,
"O pray fit ftill, it is only my
"wife ;" and, upon her coming into
the room, never rife from his chair,
but give, by his example, a liberty to
his intimates to treat his wife only as
his upper fervant. Another fays,
66
Why do you wear feathers, my
"dear Fanny?" She anſwers, "It is
"the fashion." He returns, "But I do
"not like them, and you ſhould drefs
"to pleaſe me.
"That huſband fays
this, becauſe he thinks he has a right
to fay fo. A third tells his wife her
new gown is ill chofen, and does not
become her. A hundred fuch liberties
hufbands
E 2
[ 52 ]
hüfbands daily take, which ſhock a
woman's vanity and love of power.
There is a pride in youth, in
beauty, and fill a jufter one attend-
ing a ſuperior underſtanding. I have
fuppofed your wife poffeffed of them
all; be affured, if ſhe is juft to her-
felf, fhe will be fo to you-her edu-
cation has taught her to be well bred
in every action towards you; and if
you are not fo to her, her judgment
muft direct her fome time or other
to retaliate, and copy your manners,
referving her own for thoſe who may
deſerve them. If you, or your wife,
· or
[ 53 ]
3
·
or both indeed, fhould be feized with
the love of travelling, never remain
in the carriage with her above two
pofts in a day. Men generally fleep
in a carriage; women feldom or ever
do. Frequently you meet a pair of
gentlefolks, the man afleep, the wo-
man reading. Your wife would not be
afhamed to meet her friends, if they
faw her reading in her carriage with
her maid in it; but you there! fuch
an occupation muſt be a fatire upon
you, or a reproach to her. Then:
you may be cold, and the may not
be fo; in this cafe it muſt be an eter-
nal difpute or facrifice about the
glaffes being up or down.
E 3.
You
may
J
}
[ 54 ]
1
may like flying, fhe a moderate pace:
your impatience or her nerves are to
be exercifed in this cafe. It is fuch
trifles as theſe, that fteal invifibly
into the connection between you,
that will make you, like other
couples, lay the blame upon the
words husband and wife-they are
words only, my dear fon; and if
you treat one another as if you were
not huſband and wife, you will love
one another for ever. I fee few
married people happy; I wiſh you
to be fo. When I retire from a
croud of both fexes, I reflect upon
the obfervations I have made upon
the many ill-paired I fee. I fee
1
too
[ 55 ]
too the caufes of their difagreements.
Few people imagine the livelieſt
hours of my life are the fources of
theſe letters; but it is from the
world, and not from my own chains,
that I draw my jufteſt pictures. My
feeling heart might be partially fevere
or flattering, were I to paint from
them; but in the faults or follies of
other married people, nothing can
bias my pen but juftice. If any of
your fex think it is dipp'd in gall, let
them be affured it is becauſe I have
found nothing but gall to dip it
into.
I fuppofe your wife ſtill younger
E 4
than
[ 56 ]
than you are-though the natural
timidity and playfulneſs of her age
prevent her from making any re-
flections at all, the time will come
when her taſte and character will be.
decided. Totally will it be your own
fault, if you have not cheriſhed the
tender branches of her inclinations,
and made them twine about your
heart for ever, while her mind looks
to that heart alone for protection or
comfort.
I have converfed with very fen-
fible men of every other civilized na-
tion, as well as Engliſh. I never heard
one yet that did not declare, that
English
1
[ 57 ]
English women were the first wo-
men, the only women, they would
chufe for wives. I, who efteem and
pity my country-women as they de-
ferve, and who have ftudied them
much, proteſt theſe foreigners had
a very juſt opinion. Mild, generous,
romantically faithful are Engliſh wo-
men by nature; but their minds,
plunged into defpair by the men
whofe victims they are, are forced to
fly their tyrants or feek by cunning
to mitigate the harſhneſs of their fate.
Your jewels and plate you fecure
from robbers; the most precious
treaſure you have is
have is your wife-ſhe
is
[ 58 ]
is to be the mother of your children.
My dear fon! * protect her firſt, I
conjure you; and if fhe is an Eng-
liſh woman, I, as another, will an-
fwer for her behaving in fuch a man-
ner as fhall inſure her your eſteem.
********* ******.
* You wonder why I fo ftrongly mark
this word-you look around for the dan-
gers that threaten her-Envy and intereft,
my fon, form a million-your relations-
hers perhaps your very fervants may find
fome account in dividing you-She, your
wife, cannot protect you from their defigns;
but you may protect her, and muft-yes,
you must!
J
LETTER
[ 59 ]
LETTER V.
May, 1773.
T is not only from the fear of
IT
your growing infenfible to the
pleaſures your wife's mind or perfon
gives you, that I hold up the dan-
ger of familiarity in fo ftrong a
light; but from a more ferious fear
of the effect that infenfibility may
have upon her affections for you.
Figure to yourſelf, my dear fon,
that every man who fees her, will
tell her, directly or indirectly, de-
fignedly
1
[60]
}
!
*
fignedly or not, how charming fhe-
is. That univerfal power which
beauty has in the breaſt of all man-
kind, is not to be hid from any
woman; and fools, infenfible to.
every other advantage, are confcious
of that power. It is that confciouf-
neſs that leads women into irre-
trievable errors, becauſe they ſee the
effect of their merit over every mor-
tal that approaches them but their
own huſband. A friend of mine
had a remarkable handſome hand
and arm every one who faw either
admired them, except her huſband,
who did not feem to know fhe had
an arm or hand belonging to her.
I am.
[61]
I am certain fhe thought him very
ftupid; for there are few women
who are generous (or reflect) e-
nough to attribute a huſband's in-
difference to the true caufe, fatiety:
no, my ſon, in fuch cafes, a wife
thinks her huſband unfeeling, un-
juft; he appears to her leſs poliſhed,
lefs fenfible, than a dozen of other
men in the room with him, who very
likely are much inferior to him in
point of taſte or understanding.
Flattery is called a poifon; like ma-
ny other poifons, judiciously admi-
niftered, it may prevent or cure dif-
orders.
Never fail, when you have
an opportunity, of paying your wife
1
a com-
[
62 ]
3
a compliment
keep her in good
humour with herſelf, and fhe will
be fo to you :-I do not mean by
compliments or flattery, that grofs
kind of adulation, which makes the
perfons to whom it is addreffed bluſh
for themſelves and thoſe who give it
-I mean thofe compliments, which
your actions, more than all the foft
words love invents, can pay her.
For example: never interrupt her
in the middle of a fong or an inte-
reſting detail, to tell her your coach
is at the door. You must be much
more attentive to her graces and ac-
compliſhments than to her beauty.
Very few English women have
grace,
[63]
grace, and it is looked up to by
perfons of taſte as fomething very
valuable from the rarity of it; and
talents coft the brighteſt geniufes
time and trouble: a woman, there-
fore, can never forgive you over-
looking fo uncommon a perfection
as grace, and form a mean opinion
of your judgment, if you do not
pay attention to her talents. Lord
Cheſterfield has already told us,
that the most pleafing flattery that
can be addreffed to a pretty woman,
is the praiſe of her mind-thinking
it a weakneſs peculiar to our fex;
which it is not for, really, beauti-
ful perfons of either fex are fo ac-
cuſtomed
[64]
cuſtomed to the effect they have on
all ranks, ages, and fexes, that they
feem infenfible of it, and to every
thing that can be faid to them
upon the fubject-But look at the
reverſe an ugly woman's virtue
would be in great danger, if a man
was to affure her be thought her
pretty; and the first woman that
likes an ugly man, makes him a
coxcomb. Admiration is fo new,
fo uncommon, fo unexpected a plea-
fure to ugly people, that good ſenſe
is taken by furprife, and lets in va-
nity and all its train.
I am very certain no beautiful
woman
1
[ 65 ]
woman exifts, that ever paffionately
loved a man, who deferved to be fo,
that has not faid to herfelf, "I with
"I could try the experiment, and
"be ugly, very ugly, for fome time,
to fee if he would love me ftill!"
A woman, who has a refined heart
and mind, is always apprehenfive it
is the charms of her perfon only,
and not her merit, that keeps up
your paffion for her-and if that
was the cafe, how long could the
imagine her happinefs to laft? Not
a day; for in England beauty is
fo common, that every third woman
you meet in the street, is probably
as handfome as your wife.
******* *** ******
F
}
[66]
LETTER VI.
HE human mind is an active
TH
principle; exifting upon the
paft, or future; feldom reflecting
upon the preſent moment, except
when it is actuated by fome paffion.
What, then, is imagination? Ima-
gination is fcarcely ever thought of.
I fhall endeavour to perfonify as
much as poffible this word, to fhew
you its dangerous effects. The
picture I have drawn of your wife
gives me leave to fuppofe fhe has a
very lively imagination. Do not
think that beings or things really
exift-
[67]
exifting, agreeable or ctherwife, have
half the power of turning her brain
that imagination has.
The huſband fees his young wife
giving, with all the eagerness of
youth, into diffipation and public
amufements the prudent foul
thinks it his duty to take her from
them all, hurries her into folitude,
and leaves her tête-à tête with the
most dangerous of all companions,
her own imagination. Young and
good humoured, it will paint every
paft fcene of diffipation in tints of
rofe colour; it will drefs all her
admirers in new graces and atten-
F 2
الله
tions,
[ 68 ]
tions, and reprefent her the only idol
of admiration. I fee her in her chair
before the fire, her eves fixed
it.
upon i
I fee every faireal iden that dances in
her eye, or dimples in her cheek-
I fee, alas! that her husband's form
fcarcely gleams upon the picure,
or, if it does, it vanithes with the
word husband. The fillness of the
country, acceptable to the heart
filled with an unhappy paffion, and
grateful to a woman of fettled
talents, is unfit for the mind of a
happy wife.
If yours is what I
fuppofe her, public amuſements will
in a very ſhort time grow tireſome
to her; but, fhould they appear to
be
[ 69 ]
be her paffion, multiply the diſeaſe
to hurry on the cure: her elegant
mind will naturally and foon feel
the defire of forming a finall fociety
where it may employ itſelf in all
the charming duties that friendship
and efteem demand of her.
It is a well-chofen few that I
would have you conftantly live with,
flected from her acquaintance and
yours. You are both young; iet
your fociety be nearly of your own
age; but, I repeat it, no folitude.
Your fortune permits you to make
your houfe a comfortable reception
for your friends, and I hope your
F 3
011 21-
[ 70 ]
manners will induce them to feek
your company. I would wiſh you
to be inferior in nothing but rank
to every one at your own table. If
you ſtill are your wife's lover, the
diſtance you will be obliged to keep
from her, in the prefence of your
friends, will make your tête-à-têtes
more charming; and the preference
you will read in her eyes for you,
will give you a fatisfaction you ne-
ver can experience out of fociety.
I would have you find, that every
man in your houfe has merit enough
to charm your wife, and your wife
fancy every other woman might
pleaſe you: that poffibility will make
you
[
71 ]
you behave in fuch a manner to one
another, that thefe misfortunes will
become impoffible. I do not mean
that you fhould be jealous of one
another; I mean to enhance the
preference you give to each other.
I repeat it, my dear fon; leave no
room for your wife to build castles,
to fancy the things fhe fees not are
better than thofe before her eyes.
A man, with his houfe full of com-
pany, comes in with dirty boots and
dripping hair, tired with the chace,
and falls afleep in his wife's elegant
dreffing-room. Any other perfon in
the houſe he would avoid, or fend
word he was not fit to be feen, and
F 4
drels
[ 72 ]
drefs before he appeared. For hea-
ven's fake! why is the wife to enjoy
the only bad fituation he finds him-
felf in, in the courſe of the day.
No place adorned by art or nature
to perfection, can pleaſe without fo-
ciety; ftill will the fociable fpirit
within make the eyes turn dejected
on the ground, if there are not fome
friends to partake with you the beau-
ties of your folitude. I hear John
Bull,"Why,my wife is my friend".
Yes, my good friend John; but ſhe
has been, he is, fhe muft be, your
wife, and you her husband. The
place is yours, is hers; and unleſs,
like
1
[ 73 ]
like Adam and Eve, you were the
only human pair in your paradiſe,
the fatisfaction is not complete with-
out friends. The mind is formed
for fociety; it must ever be a bad
or mean reaſon that takes a man out
of it. Society enlarges the heart,
the underſtanding; refines the man-
ners; and corrects the too natural
propenfity all men have of fancying
they are fuperior to the reft of the
world.
Delightful fenfation! to fee a few
amiable perfons forgetting their for-
rows in your files; or to perceive
they watch the rifing figh, and chafe
it
[74]
it with the chearful look of friend-
íhip. How often have I, with a
delicious grateful pride, feen people,
whom I have an eſteem for, watch-
ing my countenance, and taking
mirth or fadneſs upon them as I
have felt either! Then have I faid
to myſelf, "I live in their hearts;
"be mine the care to hide each
"anxious thought that may difturb
66
my joys; be mine the care rather
"to light up theirs." The defire
of pleafing then created new graces
in my converfation and manner, and
I had the fatisfaction of feeing my.
friends forget how faft the moments
flew, and leave me with regret.
Stupid
[ 75 ]
75了
​Stupid minds and vulgar, who
cannot underftand what I have been
faying, who pay vifits to kill time,
and who talk only of the weather.
and the conduct of other people,
and who call fuch talk converfing,
will accufe me of vanity; but every
one, that feels and thinks as I do,
will have experienced the pleaſures
I have deſcribed. Form friendships,
my fon, with people of both fexes;
and be firm and faithful in the du-
ties of them your wife fhould fee
that you have many friends. When
I ſay many, you will be too happy,
if you can find four or five men,
and as many women, who may de-
ferve
[ 76 ]
ferve the precious name. Your wife
will always fay to herfelf, "My
"conduct fhall prove to him, to
66
''
them, that I deferve the first place
among then in his heart."
When I take fo much pains to
fhew you the almoft conftant necef-
fity of focity, I do not mean that
you fhould ever fuffer any one to
live conftantly in your houfe; not
even your brother, or her fifter.
If you have children, it will be a
lucky, and perhaps a fingular, cir-
cumftance, if you are not forry that
fome one among them muft call
your houfe their home. Your houſe
fhould
[ 77 ]
fhould feel your home-fad fitua-
tion, when a hufband or wife feels
their home centered in a ftranger's
breaft! Never fuffer any of your
friends to talk to you at all about
your wife. Let every one who ap-
proaches you be utterly ignorant,
from your language, of your fenti-
ments about her mind, perfon, or
manners; only let them fee that you
treat her with reſpect, and all around
you will model their conduct by
yours. It is a foolish vanity that
induces a man to praise the perſon
of his wife, and diſcover a treaſure
of hidden charms. Should your
wife find out this imprudence, fhe
muft
[ 78 ]
muſt deſpiſe you for it-her mo-
defty, fhocked, must be leffened, or
offended.
Never adviſe or reprehend your
wife before fervants, children, or
friends advice or reprehenfion from
:
you, gives them leave to blame her,
if not in your prefence, to many
others. Should you ever differ in
your opinion with her when tête-à-
tête, and that neither will yield,
never apply to a third perfon to de-
cide between you. The unfortu-
nate friend is at a lofs how to de-
cide, being fure that you or your
wife will diflike him, and perhaps,
after
[79]
after fome time, both may condemn
him. Your interefts are fo cloſely
connected, that, in things of confe-
quence, love and friendſhip will fet-
tle the difpute; in trifling differ-
ences, time will fhew which opinion
was juft.I have imagined every
circumftance that could keep up
your paffion for one another, being
certain there is no ftate fo happy as
that of two married people who love
one another. I fhall foon place you
in other fituations, and demonſtrate
that the conduct I have hitherto ad-
viſed you to purfue, in the only fitu-
ation I have yet placed you, will be
as uſeful in thoſe you may in future
find
[80]
find yourſelf fallen-ufeful to
your own eafe and comfort, and ne-
ceffary to hide from the world
things it ought never to fee, or
know, whatever its fufpicions may
be.
**
***
*
******.
Poftfcript.
Pray obſerve that when I fay ne-
ver do fuch or fuch a thing, I mean
never-for the fource of diffentions
between married people is, that
thoſe things fhould ever have been
donealas! once done, they are
repeated.
LE T
[ 1 ]
LETTER VII.
I
AM ſorry to ſay that envy is the
firft and great fource of all mif-
chief in fociety and families. The
world cannot bear to fee a few peo-
ple living with harmony and com-
fort together it is moft probable,
that fome of your relations or your
wife's, fome of your acquaintances
or hers, who chufe to call themſelves
your friends, will endeavour to poiſon
the ſweets of your fociety, becauſe
they are not conftant members of
your moſt agreeable parties. Thefe
G
enviers
[82]
enviers of them will name a lover
for your wife, or you a miſtreſs-
nay, do not ſtart, my dear fon; they
will. If chance or malice brings the
whiſper to your ear, do not think that
prudence directs you to fhut your
door against the man or woman fup-
pofed your or your wife's choice:
juſt the contrary; let you and your
wife fhew yourſelves every where
accompanied by thefe perfons. Your
wife's young and untainted mind
will be as much fhocked at fuch re-
ports as yours can be; but I appeal
to your good fenfe only to fhew you
the neceffity of the conduct I have
preſcribed, by fuppofing the reverfe
for
[
83 ]
for a moment.
Mr. *
**. or Mrs.
***
are no longer in your fet-
Scandal will take care to ſay that
your wife or you were jealous; and
the very caution you ufe will be
cited as a proof of connections be-
tween you.-The next friends you
are feen much with, they are a fe-
cond lover or miſtreſs. Alas! muſt
you part with them too?-Inftead
of curing the reports, then, you in-
creaſe them by this method. In the
courſe of ten years your wife will
have had ten lovers, and you as
many miftreffes.-My fon, never let
envy and detraction interrupt the
private order and happineſs of your
days.
G 2
[ 84 ]
days. Never give up a friend or
companion that you like. Will en-
vy and detraction make up the lofs?
No; envy has a hunger and thirst
of mischief which can never be
allayed the more it is fed, the
more it increaſes. The man that
has no friends, is a miferable and
contemptible object, with every ad-
vantage that rank or fortune can
beſtow.
As yet I have fuppofed you in
the moſt honourable and comfortable
fituation; now I muft vary the
ſcene. You are no longer in love
with your wife-ftill you are her
hufband;
[ 85 ]
hufband; do not, like moft of your
fex, be cruel enough to add to that
misfortune of hers, your not loving
her, the many others
nerally added to it.
which are ge-
You are then
no longer her lover; be her friend:
her own intereſt, her children's, the
intereft of her fame and honour,
conftitute her your first, your beſt
friend. There is a gentleness in our
natures, an attention to trifles in our
ſex, which induce yours to open
your hearts to us, and you do not
bluth to enter into a detail of your
feelings to us, when you ſcarce
would own the cauſe of them to a
G 3
man
[86]
1
man-Perhaps your wife loves you
ftill; fhe will miftake your friend-
fhip for love-Too happy will fhe
be, if, in deceiving herſelf, the che-
riſhes her paffion for you-Leave
her in her pleafing error; never tell
her you love her no longer, or leſs
than you
did. Such a confeffion will
deftroy her kind illufion. Loving
you, and loving you not, her vanity
would be fhocked at fuch a decla-
ration. In either fituation of her
heart, ſhould ſhe even fufpect a
change in you, feeing that your
good humour, confidence in her,
your friendſhip and refpect, are not
·
fled
さ
​[87]
fled with your love, the will fay to
herſelf, "If he is not in love with
"me, he is better."
Now, if with ceafing to love her,
you ſhould be in love with any
other woman, do not retort upon
your wife the frowns, the caprices,
or diſappointinents, you may fuffer
from the object you are in purſuit
of. Cruel as men are in general,
the moment they ceaſe to like the
perfon of their wives, forgetting all
the amiable virtues of their hearts,
meanly, bafely torment them, till
they commit fome error, in which
men fancy they have an excufe for
their
G 4
[ 88 ]
their inconftancy, and a plea for fur-
ther hardſhips, and juftify to them-
felves their folly in preferring wo-
men inferior to their wives in per-
fon and accompliſhments.
I do not fuppofe this; I have
feen men often act in this manner:
nor have I been furpriſed to ſee un-
happy wives make advances to gain
a lover, thinking to find fome com-
fort for their forrows-fad reſource,
to chaſe the weight of torments, by
collecting new ones! Yet this fcene.
paffes before my eyes daily. What
humiliating court have I feen plain
wives, neglected, make to men!
Not
[89]
*
Not fo with a beautiful injured wife;
every man that approaches her will
inform her of her huſband's folly by
his endeavours to fupplant him in her
affections, and ftrew the path of her
imprudence with many a fragrant
rofe, regardleſs of the thorns that
may wound her reputation.-Why
fhould you opprefs, hate, or perfe-
cute, becauſe you can no longer
love? The fingle recollection that
a woman has been the object of
your happieſt moments-the ſelected
woman, whom you thought would
adorn your houſe and name is
enough to oblige you to preferve a
tenderneſs, and a very great one, in
your
[ 90 ]
your conduct towards her. There
is no crime in not loving; you can
neither command your thoughts nor
your heart-but you may your ac-
tions; and you must appear worth-
lefs to all perfons who have minds,
if, in your intercouife with our fex,
you do not conduct yourſelf with
tenderneſs, honour, and gratitude.
I am aftoniſhed often how men
can treat their own judgment fo ill,
as to let the world fee they ever
diflike and neglect what they once.
courted and adored !
I know a man who aſked a
hufband
[91]
huſband one day, why he had fuch
an averfion to his wife: "for," faid
he, "I give you leave to be tired
"of her perfon; but her conver-
"fation is of fuch a nature, that a
66
man of ſenſe would be happy to
66 pay for liftening to her-her man-
"ners would grace a throne; and
"her talents alone would fuffice to
66 pleaſe and entertain, were the ne-
66
66
ver to ſpeak a word- then her
judgment is fo clear, that one
"fhould feek her opinion in any
"difficult cafe."-"All that is very
"true," replied the huſband; " but
"all thofe are become odious to
((
me." Now, my dear fon, that
Supreme
[ 92 ]
Supreme Power, who formed the
human heart, alone can explain, how
it can become fo perverted, to feel
as odious what is inestimable.
Oh, may you never make fo bitter
a fatire upon yourſelf!
** ******.
LETTER
[ 93 ]
LETTER VIII.
F all the misfortunes that a
married man falls into, there
is none that fubjects him to the ri-
dicule of the world fo much as jea-
loufy. Once poffeffed by it, he
feels it like a dagger in his heart;
and yet it is only matter of diverfion.
to all thoſe around him, and prin-
cipally to the perfon who caufes it.
It is very feldom that compaffion is
a generous fentiment. If you muft
inevitably be pitied by the world,
let it rather be, becauſe it fancies
you
[94]
you are miſtaken in your opinion of
your wife, (nay, even deceived by
her,) than becauſe you form a juſt
idea of her conduct, fuppofing it to
be fuch as muft create jealoufy in
your breaſt.
Of two evils you naturally would
chufe the leaft: therefore, I adviſe
you ever to ftand between your wife
and the eyes of a mifchievous world,
or people about you, who, from
twenty felf-intereſted views, may
wish to feparate you and your wife.
All the hard blows which may
wound her reputation, muft in the
end fall upon you. If there fhould
happen
[ 95 ]
happen any great difunion between
ye, and you endeavour to juſtify
yourſelf by throwing all the blame
on her fide, the public may flatter
your ungenerous hope for a fhort
time, from the too natural propen-
fity the world has of crufhing the
weakest, and yielding to power,
which is on your fide, not hers:
but be affured, the unjuft illufion
will not last long-merit and inno-
cence oppreffed finds its home in
the hearts of all the virtuous and
illumined of either fex: by thofe,
from the beginning of your difagree-
ments, you will be avoided and ab-
horred;
[ 96 ]
horred; and the public at large,
envious and malicious as it is, will
in the end blame you-if not for
being the cauſe of your wife's ill
conduct, or miſreprefenting it,-for
not concealing it.
How can any good arife from a
fentiment which is founded on in-
juftice? The height of injuftice is
jealoufy. It is not at all wonderful
that a man fhould be charmed
with a beautiful and accomplished
woman; but it is very much fo,
that man, who is only natural and
juſt in being ſo, ſhould be abfurd
enough
1
[97]
enough to be angry with another
man, for being only as natural and
juſt as himſelf.
It is a glori us, chearful, bright
day; the fun fhines in all its fplen-
dour; how would you pity the man
who would fhut it out of his room,
and fit reading by the light of a
candle, and cry,
"I hate this day!"
Yet the man, who does not ad-
mire, and like the fociety of an
amiable and accomplished woman,
is ftill more to be pitied than he
who difdains the fun. You, my
fon, as a jealous hufband, would
blame
H
[ 98 ]
}
blame him for difdaining the great
vivifier of nature, yet be angry, if
he admired your wife.
Look at jealoufy, and its effects,
without the pale of matrimony-the
happiest lovers pals their time in
making themſelves and their fweeteſt
moments martyrs to it. I condemn
it; but I knew it is infeparable
from love, and like other bad at-
tendants upon it. I would have
you reflect upon it, and digeft it
through reaſon; fo that it may ne-
ver diſturb your happineſs, but be
a ftimulator to that paffion, which
is too apt to fade, and fink into in-
difference,
[ 99 ]
difference, between married people.
-Jealoufy is as frequent and tena-
cious in friendſhip as in love; in
both it fhould go fo far, and no
farther You afk, how far I
will fatisfy you.
—
Imagine, if you pleaſe, that the
whole world wishes to be your miſ-
trefs's lover, or your friend's first
friend; but do not think they will
ever permit them to be fo. Jea-
loufy, thus managed, will enhance
every thing your miſtreſs or your
friend does for you. If your wife
fhould be jealous of you, you muſt
H 2
en.
[100]
(
endeavour to argue her out of her
injuſtice, if ſhe is ſo without a cauſe,
and if he has any just reafon for
:
being fo but, if your domeftic
hours are to be paffed in one con-
tinued ftorm, you must tell her,
her fufpicions are true, and point
out an object totally indifferent to
you, for her to turn her jaundiced
looks upon, either to tkreen the real
one from her fufpicions, or to laugh
her intirely out of her jealousy,
when the diſcovers her miſtake.
Jealouſy ceaſes to be, or turns
into filent contempt, when there is
cauſe
[101ΙΟΙ
]
cauſe for it; and I faid before, as
the leaſt evil is the beſt of the two,
for the comfort of your own life, it
is better the fhould be fure fhe has
loft your heart, than to pass her life
and make yours miferable, by the
conftant reproaches, juft or unjuſt,.
of jealouſy.-Jealoufy is a fever; it
must come to a crifis. I with, if
it muſt be one among the many
bitter pills you are to fhare between
ye, that it may be intirely on her
fide, and not on yours: for, if you
are jealous, you have it in your
power to make her quite wretched,
and yourſelf as ridiculous as huf
bands
H 3
[ IC2]
bands generally do, when that o-
range coloured hue poffeffes their
•
mind; but if your wife is jealous,
reproaches or filent grief can be her
only reſources.
********* ******..
1
LETTER
P
[103]
LETTER IX.
OVE cannot be defined. — I
Lov
was told once by a gentleman,
that had wrote a very ingenious
book, and published it, upon a ſci-
ence which few men understand,.
though most purfve it, in England,
that he intended to publish another
upon love, becaule very few people
understood what it was. I adviled
him to lay afide his intention; be-
caufe love varied its form according,
to the bolom it poffeffed for ex-
ample, a mild, generous nature wil
HA
pro-
[ 104 ]
2.
produce a mild, generous love; a
brutal, ignorant one, will exhibit a
brutal, fooliſh love it is a fever
of the mind, which, like fevers of
the body, will fhew its malignity
according to the mental conftitution
of the perfon. Love, I repeat it, is
not to be defined; nor is it to be
conquered. Your heart will never
afk your reafon leave to give itſelf
away.I have prefcribed to you
the conduct I wish you to purſue,
in cafe you ſhould ceafe to love your
wife: I muft now reverſe the pic-
ture-it is on her fide this paffion
has ceafed. In the firft pofition,
your humanity and generofity may
aid
2
1
[105]
aid my counfel; in the laft, I have
your pride, vanity, and anger, or all
three at once, to corquer.
Your wretched partner! how ma-
ny ſtruggles, tears, and reftless nights,
will it cost her, before the owns it
to herſelf-how many more, before
The confeffes her paffion for another!
and yet, my fon, the one is the
inevitable confequence of the other.
This truth may fhock the cold pru-
dence of fome who read theſe letters
-perfons who would always have
books repreſent the world as it ought
to be, not as it is-that act as if
they had no feeling, probably having
none:
[106]
none but, as it is my fon's happi-
neſs I value, and not the opinion of
thole who judge only to condemn,
I fhall keep my promife, and re-
prefent truth without a veil.
Ah! my fon, may fuch a wife as I
have repreſented yours, find in your
conduct a fhield to defend her from
the poisoned arrows directed by envy
only, and conftantly to fuperior me-
rit! Her loving you no longer, does
not diminish one of her talents, nor
rob her of one beauty. Strive not
to ftifle that flame which all the
courage her mind can collect cannot
conquer. Never tell your wife, you:
know the loves you not, or loves
another-
[ 107 ]
another-do not add to the pangs
which already are labouring in her
heart, which leffen her health and
beauty, and which tear her foul,
when the looks on you and her
children. If a fenfible woman has
a paffion, be affured it is never out
of her thoughts a moment; her
books, her mufic, her drefs, even
her needle-work, tend to the object
of it. Suppofing you are mean
enough to make an excufe for taking.
her out of the place where the can.
fee him, the will invent one for ſtay.
ing; or, if the quits it for another,
he will follow her. If he does not,.
the loving you not, and forced by you.
from
[108]
from what ſhe does love, fhe muſt,
alas! fhe muft deteft you. He may
proceed to imprudences which may
end in a feparation or divorce be-
tween you look around you, and
ſee what confufion divorces and fe-
parations make!
If, with the vanishing of her love
for you, yours fhould ftill remain
for her, and her conduct fhould
oblige you to let her know you feel
it, tell her you know you have loft
her heart; but pity, and do not
blame tell her, you cannot alter
yours-that, if you was to follow
the dictates of anger, you would
part
[109]
part from her-that for her fake
alone you will not-but, conſcious
that your preſence must be painful
to her, you will abfent yourſelf :—
and, if the fervice of your country
(for I hope you are a foldier) does
not furnish you with an excufe to
leave her for fome time, your eftates
or your family may furniſh you with
a plea to abſent youfelf; or, with
the conduct I have prefcribed, you
may eafily avoid being alone with
her ten minutes in the four and
twenty hours. Time then may do
what her reafon has attempted in
vain-Time alone. Yet certain, in
this cafe, her lover's conduct may
haften
:
[110]
haften the period of her paffion for
him; and never, never, my fon!
ſpeak but once to her upon the ſub-
ject, horrid to her, and painful to
you much leſs ever let the eye of
an idle, curious world, difcover that
you do not live well together, as it
is called; for when once a man fuf-
fers what is called the world to fee
or meddle in his domeſtic accidents,
his wife and he feldom live at all
together. The parting of a man
and wife affects the children's intereft
too much for me not to guard you
against it. Then your two families
are fet at variance with one another
-yours blame her, hers will hate
i
you.
}
[ III
]
you. You will accufe one another
of being the cauſe of all the malice
and nonfenfe that will enfue; and,
between the wide breach a fepara-
tion will make, Jour wife, though
cold, innocent, and fpotlefs, as the
falli go fnow from heaven, will fuf-
fer in her reputation.
No act of violence, my fon, is
Suppofing a man
ever forgiven.
locks his wife up, then will her
mind rove the more for the confine-
ment of her body. How would you
be treated, if you was to come into
the chamber of her whom you have
made a captive? Her foul, con-
ſcious
[112]
ſcious of its natural right to inde
pendence, will fpurn you from her
fight, as a coward, who does ill,
becauſe he dares. The wife's con-
ftant foliloquy, who loves her huf-
band, and is fure fhe has loft his
heart, is this: "Who will love thee
66
as I do, inconftant? I will ima-
gine a thouſand new ways to
"pleafe, and fecure thee mine for
"' ever."
Now, this is the huf
band's: "
"My wife is an ungrateful
"woman-fhe commits a crime"
[that crime is ceafing to love him]
"—if I urge it, fhe does not deny
❝ it—if I threaten, the threatens in
her turn-if I plead my paffion
" for
}
[113]
for her, the filent tear that fteals
"down her cheek, her averted
"cheek, the hand the waves to
"bid me retire, her cold looks
"that fcarcely reſt a moment on
ઃઃ
my face, all tell me that I plead
"in vain."O foolish and un-
thinking man who cannot fee fhe
is diftracted by every felf-reproach
that can wound a feeling heart-her
duty, his love, his very prefence,
frightens the blood from her lovely
face, and fends it hurrying to that
heart that beats, alas! for another.
I cannot conceive why huſbands
are always fo unjuft, when they
quarrel
I
[114]
quarrel with their wives, to accufe
them of ingratitude-it is the con-
ftant and common reproach. Let
me, O my fon! fet in your picture
the example of every Englishman's
rights and power, and you fhall
judge what right you have to call
your wife ungrateful.
You are in love with her becauſe
you cannot help it: the is not obliged
to you, then, for the primitive caufe
of her being yours.-You marry her,
to get poffeffion of that perfon, which
you otherwife could never approach:
it is to fatisfy yourself, then, you
take her; is the to be obliged to
you
[115]
you
for that?-Once your wife, you
are probably the only man who has
ever touched her cheek: are you the
pure, untainted being that he is?
In this point on whofe fide is the
obligation, eh? You blufh, my
fweet boy.
Her rank is equal to
yours: fhe cannot be obliged to you
for confequence then; but her alli-
ances are a feather in your cap.-
Perhaps you make her fine prefents
yes, but a huſband's power permits
him to take them from her when
he pleaſes; fo that any gratitude fhe
might feel as a mistress for thoſe,
muft vaniſh when the feels herſelf
your wife. She trufts her whole for-
tune,
I 2
[ 116 ]
tune, her happineſs, to you in be-
coming fo; her time, her beauty, fhe
devotes to you; her relations, her
friends, fhe gives up for you: what
do you give up in gaining her?
Neither friends, relations, nor fa-
vourite amuſements; you only add
her, as another treafure, to the many
you poffefs on whofe fide is the
obligation? It is your paffions that
drive you on, and her prefence you
would feek, were fhe another man's
wife, in defiance to prudence and
honour, moft probably.
She leaves a tender mother, a kind
fifter, or an inftructing companion,
who
[ 117 ]
who has watched the growing beau-
ties of her mind with fond exultation:
will the find thefe in you?-If,
then, there is a breach in your affec-
tions, if either one or both are mi-
ferable by being united, it is the
huſband, and not the wife, that is
ungrateful.
Your wife is not obliged to you
for name, beauty, or education. She
lived upon her fortune: it is not yours
that make her live. She is admired.
and courted by all who fee her:
they do not borrow your eyes to ſee
with. You take her, my fon, ob-
ferve, you take her; but the gives
13.
her-
[118]]
f
herſelf to you: on whofe fide is the
obligation?A man then fays to
his wife," You are a moft ungrate-
"ful woman: I love you paffionate-
ly, and yet you do not love me!"
This man loves, becauſe he cannot
help it; and ſhe loves him not, be-
cauſe his conduct, probably, has
helped her thoroughly out of her
love; for the loved him once-
then I affirm it is he that is ungrate
ful.
Ingratitude is a reproach which
can only be just where obligations.
call for gratitude. I cannot fee what
obli
[119]
obligation an Englishman confers on
a woman when he marries her, and,
having her, making her prefents,
fcarcely ever fo magnificent as he-
would make his miſtreſs, that he is.
afhamed of owning he lives with.
But I fee that your wife gives her-
felf and all her fortunes away-the-
poffibility of ever doing that again
her entire liberty, her brothers,.
fifters, and all her friends, for you
-let her be furprifed with finding
them all centered in you; and, if you
are not, or are, her lover, let her find.
in you her firft, her generous, and:
grateful friend..
********* *****
[ 120 ]
LETTER X.
L
EST the preceding letter ſhould
not have its effect upon you,
and that you, or any of my readers,
fhould be ſurpriſed at my repeating
the words English man fo often, I
fhall add, in this letter, a detail of
all an English man may do with im-
punity, and which no other huſbands
can but the Engliſh.
Any Sir John Brute may lock his
wife up, and even beat her; and
there is no power to whom a wife
can
',
[121]
can apply to prevent him. He may
infult and torment her in any way
he pleaſes-he may never pay her
pin-money—he may take the loweſt
proſtitute, place her in his wife's
coach, by his fide, travel in England
with her where fhe is not known,
and call her his wife, whofe good
name is refponfible for every indecent
folly the miſtreſs may be guilty of—
A huſband may laviſh all his eftates
and money upon women of the
town, and there is no power to re-
ftrain or correct him. In France,
•
a woman of quality's name fported
with, fhe may get a lettre de cachet,
and confine the cauſe of her huf
band's
[ 122 ]
band's conduct and if a man of
:
great fortune and rank, in France, is.
ruining his children, the families of
the huſband and wife join and get
a power to reſtrain him; and a wife
has a right, if the pleaſes, to com-
mence a law-fuit with her husband
upon any trivial misconduct, and
force him by law to give her a fe-.
parate maintenance- nay, there is
a higher power, to whom people of
very high rank in France apply,
their Sovereigns, who with care ge-
nerally redrefs the wrongs of the op-
preffed, and fupport by their coun-
tenance, and often with a penfion,
an injured wife. Is it fo in Eng-
land 2
:
[123]
رام
land? Alas! it is not; Majefty can
only fee things in the light that the
few who approach it chufe to throw
upon it and what woman of high
birth and ſpirit would chufe to de-
ſcend from what the owes herſelf,
enough to afk for juftice, without
being certain of obtaining it; and
ftooping to give a detail, even to her.
Sovereign, when the lawleſs licen-
tioufnels of England infults even
Majefty itſelf!
Theſe are facts which are often-
fible-now turn and view the chance
for happineſs a woman has in fimall
domeftic concerns in England, where
the
!
[124]
the ſports of the field, the houfes of
parliament, and, above all, the clubs,
forbid a woman to hope for comfort
in the fociety of her huſband, bro-
thers, or friends; for their converfa-
tion, engroffed by theſe three grand
objects, is more infupportable to
women than folitude.
Collect all theſe diſadvantages to
women, and confider now, my dear
fon, on whoſe fide the obligation is
when a woman gives herſelf away in
this country. You think, perhaps,
you never could tranfgrefs the bounds
preſcribed by civility, nor take ad-
vantage of the tyranny you may ex-
erciſe.
[125]
ercife. Ah! my dear fon, if you
knew how imperceptibly familiarity
brings on indifference, indifference
creates incivility, incivility fows the
feeds of diflike, and diflike ends in
hatred; you would dread the firſt ſtep
you take into your wife's apartment,
much as you now adore her.
How
happy fhall I be, if I can, by fhew-
ing you what may happen, prevent
your looking back with pain on
what has been !
米米米
​********* ******.
LET-
[126]
LETTER XI.
HESE Letters may fall into
THE
the hands of people in in-
ferior fituations of life to yours.
Seduced by the juftneſs of ſome
of my advice, they may imagine
they can improve their happineſs
by following the whole they
are miſtaken. The amufement and
bufinefs attending moft profeffions,
the hurry and conftant watchful-
nefs of fome, the frequent abſences
a profeffion of any kind obliges a
man to make from his wife, en-
hances
[127]
hances the pleafures of the mo
ments he paffes with her: thofe
moments are to him the only mo-
ments of liberty; in your fituation,
thofe moments are the only thing
like flavery you will ever feel.
You get up in the morning, cer
tain you ſhall do nothing all day
but juft what you pleafe.
you
That
think your
power generally makes a gentleman
pleaſed with nothing, but very
much difpleafed at the ennui he
feels; which if
wife alone can diffipate, you will
be diſappointed-it will require an
inexhauftible fund of good-humour
in her only to support it Your
apothecary,
[128]
apothecary, your cheesemonger,
your taylor, every tradefman you
have, is a happier being than you
are. Good fouls! with their wigs,
they hang up all their care of an
evening, and forget the toils and
contradictions of the day in the
welcome of their wives and do-
meftic fupper.
Believe me, my
fon, Cupid often flies the gilded
room and damafk couch, and is
found in humble ſpaces, where dif.
mal prints, misrepresenting their moſt
gracious Majesties, are the moſt
magnificent ornaments and a
green ſtuff bed is the godfhip's
favourite throne. Yes, my fon, in
general,
[129]
general, magnificence and content
are wide afunder; and the human
heart must be content, before it can
yield to fofter or more paffionate
fenfations. If you doubt the truth
of what I fay, the frequency of
feparations and difputes between
married gentlefolks, and the rarity
of them between tradefpeople, will
prove my argument.
The conduct I have adviſed you
to have with fuch a charming wo-
man as I have fuppofed your wife,
muft not be obferved, if fhe fhould
be a fool, particularly a pretty fool.
You muſt govern her, my fon:
K
com-
[130]
commands, and no advice, fhe muft
receive from you: the language of
reafon and friendſhip is unintelligible
to a fool. Never give her any
reaſons why you will have things
done fo and fo, but civilly fay fhe
must. Permitting her to act for
herſelf, will be expofing her and
yourſelf to the ridicule of the whole
world. If fhe has not fenfe enough
to direct herſelf, you must direct
her. Many men fancy they are
good hufbands, faying, "I let my
"wife do exactly what fhe
"pleaſes," that is, not troubling
his head at all what he does, fo
that
[ 131 ]
that he is in good humour at his
dinner or bed time.
Wife, my fon, means compa-
nion; and, if ſhe is not companion-
able, the best thing you can do
is not to let the world know it.
Your family, your intimates, will in
a fhort time find it out; and you
will appear in a low and deſpicable
light to them, if you let your fool
run about to be the ſubject of the
day. Your child you govern, that
it may not, grown up, make you
bluſh-govern your wife then, if
ſhe has a childish mind; for, grown
up to womanhood, that childish
mind
K 2
[ 132 ]
mind will never be fit to walk
alone. Fools are always fly, and
artful. I have feen many lead or
govern people of fuperior under-
ftanding to themſelves. I never
cautioned you againſt the art of a
fenfible woman, but beware of the
flynefs of your fool.
weed that can only
foil of a weak mind.
Cunning is a
flourish in the
If, after all the caution I have
given you againſt parting with your
wife, fenfible or fooliſh, your tem-
per or hers fhould make it im-
poffible for you to live together,
let me earneſtly recommend to you,
my
[133]
Remain
my dear fon, to part with her with
all the generofity fhe has a right to
expect, both as to money matters
and words and manners.
with her on writing and fpeaking
terms; and if he has children,
vifit her at least four times a year.
In England, generally, when a wife
and huſband part, all the huſband's
connections defert, if not abuſe the
wife, with or without caufe. A
wife, parted from her husband,
fuffers all the diſadvantages of wi-
dowhood, without the power of
giving herself to a man fhe loves:
never rob her of the comfort of
having her children, particularly her
K3
gir's
[134]
girls-the common, though cruel
method of proceeding of English
gentlemen. Confider that this wo-
man has wafted her bloom and
time in fuffering exquifite torture
to produce and rear thoſe children
-that they are hers-ah! never
take the advantage of an unjuſt
power to tear them from her arms.
If your wife is ill-tempered or fooliſh,
or both, ftill your girls are better
taken care of in her prefence than
in yours: your vifits will keep her,
and thoſe who have the care of them,
in awe.
I believe I have placed you in
every
[ 135 ]
every fituation to which a married
man may be expofed. I will never
ſuppoſe you unmarried. I hold di-
vorces as defperate and fhameful
remedies to evil. Divorces make
marriages in England more bare-
faced indecencies than they are;
and truly, if one reflects upon mar-
riage at all, it is, without eclats of
any kind, indecent enough to make
one afhamed of it.
The only wiſh I have left to form
with the many I have diſcovered,
and the many more I have con-
cealed, is, that, if your wife is ſuch
as I have fuppofed her to be, fhe
K 4
may
[136]
may gain a total afcendency over
your mind, and be the invifible cauſe
of every step you take in life.
May her power over you be fo
gently exercifed, that no one may
ever perceive it; and you only feel it
by the love and efteem her fupe-
riority may engrave on your heart
for ever!
Should you be naturally of a care-
lefs and idle difpofition, hide it
with care; be attentive to (and
dwell upon) trifles. In money mat-
ters, there is an old English proverb
which fays, Take care of the pence,
the pounds will take care of them-
felves:
[137]
felves fo, in the current coin of
events, great accidents rouſe the
minds of the most indolent to act
with prudence and propriety; but
the finaller ones are too often neg-
lected, yet from thofe only proceed
the comforts or mifery which hang
about us from morning till night.-
I fhall conclude with a beautiful
and ſtrong illuftration of what I ſay
from Madame de Sevigny, who,
writing to her daughter about her
fon young Grignan, fays,
"Nous tâchons de lui infpirer de
"l'horreur pour cet air de Grand
"Seigneur, de qu' importe, et
"d'indifference, qui conduit à
66 toutes
[138]
66
toutes fortes d'injuftices, et enfin
❝ à l'hôpital.”
Yes, my child, that mauvais ton
de qu'importe, ſeen in you, will be
acquired by your wife, your
children, and your vaffals; the
neighbouring echo will catch the
found, and, like the echo, your
fortune, fame, and happineſs, will
be loft in air, and then the world
in general will justly fay, Qu' im-
porte? Adieu, my dear fon!
********* **
******
LETTER.
}
[139]
LETTER XII.
M
Y lovely country - women.
may immagine theſe Letters
are written to deter them from en-
tering into the marriage-ftate; ill-
natured people may fay I mean to
depreciate that ftate; but I proteſt
I hold it as the most comfortable
and honourable (honourably and
comfortably treated) that ever was
imagined, and that thefe Letters
were written to make my fon
happy, and the wives in England
lefs
[140]
{
lefs unhappy than they have hitherto
been. If they have thefe effects,
my wiſhes are anſwered; if not, at
leaft I have a fecret confcientious
pleaſure in doing what I think my
duty towards my country,-a country
where bravery in men, and beauty
joined to ſoftneſs in women, mark
out either ſex to be comforts to
each other.
How charming for a woman to
dare avow a paffion for him, whom
the world allows her to call her pro-
tector and friend; and how painful
to be obliged to obey and affociate
with
[141]
with one, whom her innate dignity,
honour, fenfe, and feelings, condemn!
How fatisfactory, my dear fon,
to call yours that merit which every
man of taſte envies you the poffeffion
of; and how difgraceful to feel
afhamed of what was once your
choice!-Such are the contrafts of
married fituations, delightful, or bor-
rible.
Men chufe, and women only ac-
cept; in general, therefore, when
there is difcord in marriage, men
ought to be more afhamed of chang-
ing their opinions than women.
But
1
[ 42 ]
But I think I hear you afk, But
does not the blooming maid of fix-
teen, by accidents or time, grow
disfigured in her face, and the gentle
obedience of that age turn to ſpleen
or ill-nature, when the Loves and
Graces hover no longer around her?
I grant it
And that the gay and well-dreffed
Strephon of twenty years old, turns
at forty into a flovenly and bald-
headed foxhunter, or grave poli-
tician.
Yet, through all the changes
· of
[ 143 ]
of mind and perfon, man and wife
may ftill be friends, confiding in
each other their mutual accidents,
and, by depofiting in each other's
breafts only their changes, fpare
an ill natured and ignorant public
the favage amufement, and their
own families the pain, of feeing
difcord reign, where honour and
gratitude, nay common fenfe, fhould
hold out the picture of amity and
..concord.
********* ******
THE END.
BOOKS printed for J. DEBRETT;
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Speedily will be publiſhed,
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in Profe and Verfe. Written by Perfons
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In fix Volumes, elegantly printed. Price
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