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EMBRACING Courtship, Marriage, and Domestic Life; © WORDS OF WISDOM FOR YOUNG PEOPLE: DIRECTIONS FOR A RIGHT CHOICE OF HUSBANL OR WIFE ; HOME OCCUPATIONS: GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS, WITH FULI, DIRECTIONS FOR ATHLETIC EXERCISES, THE CULTIVA- TION OF THE MIND AND BODY, ETC., ETC.. . . C(i) M IPRISIN (, . . . . . . BUSINEss RULES AND INSTRUCTIONs; INCLUDING BOOK-KEEPING ! BANKING ! INTEREST TABLES AND RULES; DEEDS AND AGREEMENTS ; MORTGAGES AND LEASES ; WILLS, AND HOW TO MAKE THEM ; LAWS FOR LANDLORD AND TENANT, ETC., ETC. INCLUTIOING Statistical Tables, showing all the Important Events in the History of America, FROM ITS DISCOVERY BY COLUMBUS TO THE PRESENT TIME, WITH THE POPULATION OF STATES, CITIES, TOWNS, ETC., ACCORDING TO THE CENSUS OF 1890. TO WHICH IS AIDDEI) A VAST TREASURY OF INFORMATION CONCERNING THF LATEST INVENTIONS AND DISCOVERIES IN ELECTRICITY, MEDICAL SCIENCE AND MECHANICS ; POPULAR QUOTATIONS AND PROVERBS; ABBREVIATIONS, SYNONYMS, IETC., ETC. BY HENRY DAVENPORT NORTHROP, ... . . . . Author of “Earth, Sea and Sky,” “Beau//w/ Gems of Thought and Senfiment,” etc., etc. SU FE. R. E. LY I LLU STRATE D- J. H. MOORE & CO., PHILADELPHIA, PA., AND CHICAGO, ILL. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1891, by J. R. J O N ES, * In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. | PREFACE. * Our design in issuing this new and very comprehensive volume is to furnish just the information needed in every household. GOLDEN MANUAL, OR THE ROYAL ROAD TO SUCCESS, is a vast treasury of useful facts, with important rules and directions for every department of social, domestic and business life. The work is carefully classified and arranged, and the index is so complete that the reader can turn immediately to any one of the thousands of subjects treated. The immense stores of information are not thrown together in confusion. The division into separate books is of great advantage to the reader, and enables him to gather the golden grain in its appropriate place. All who examine the work must admit that none more valuable has ever been issued, and that it is admirably adapted to entertain and instruct all classes of persons. - New and beautiful engravings in tints embellish the work. These are furnished by some of the most famous artists of the world, and each is a charming object-lesson, fasci- nating to every eye. The work also contains a gallery of striking portraits, which illustrate the various types of character and the qualities of mind and heart that insure success and happiness in Courtship and Married Life. - BOOK I contains Rules of Etiquette for all Occasions. It shows how to appear to the best advantage, and what is expected of the True Lady and the True Gentleman. It is a complete guide for Introductions and Salutations, for Calls and Visits, for Evening Parties, Dinner Parties, Weddings and Funerals. It teaches the Art of Conversing Well, and gives full directions for Correspondence of every description, with a large number of proper Forms for Letters. Correct information can be obtained upon all the delicate questions constantly arising in social intercourse. No person's education is complete without a thorough knowledge of the Rules of Etiquette. Multitudes fail in their undertakings because they lack that easy and pleasant address which is a passport to every grade of society. Engaging manners and the ability to appear well on every occasion are the sure evidences of culture and refinement. The first part of this volume shows how “manners make the man,” and, it may be added, the woman, too. BOOK II treats of Courtship, Marriage and Domestic Life. Scarcely any subjects are more important than those embraced in this fascinating part of GOLDEN MANUAL. Here is a graphic description of the relations existing between Man and Woman, with Sensible Rules for Love-making. Here are words of wisdom for the young, showing Who are, and are not Adapted to Each Other, and why some marriages are happy and others miserable. A beautiful description is given of the Model Wife, and this is supplemented by a descrip- tion of the Model Husband. Then follows a chapter on the All-important Nursery, giving plain directions for the care of children, and laying the foundations for health and a long iii iv PREFACE. life. This very interesting part of the work also treats of Home Occupations for leisure hours, and Home Pastimes and Amusements. It shows how to make home a sunny place—a heaven upon earth. Under the title of Helps for the Household, a great number of new and very valuable receipts are given for cooking, preserving, renovating furniture and clothing, and keeping every part of the house in perfect order. This part of the work is very complete and will be thoroughly appreciated by every housekeeper. Here, also, are very attractive Designs for Houses, accompanied by the floor-plans, showing how to build a house, what materials should go into it, and what will be the cost. The aim throughout has been to make GOLDEN MANUAL a thoroughly practical book, which will render itself so useful that it will be a daily companion and helper in the home. Great care has been taken to make it reliable, affording the best information on the vast number of subjects which are treated. BOOK III is entitled How to be Healthy and Strong. The whole country is awakened upon this subject, and there is no work published which contains such valuable information as GOLDEN MANUAL. It describes Healthy Dwellings and shows the necessity of cleanliness, ventilation, etc. It eloquently urges the Importance of Exercise, giving plain rules for Strengthening the Muscles of every part of the body. It contains a descrip- tion of the famous German Pan-gymnastikon, which is endorsed by the highest medical authorities. t The reader is conducted into the open air, and witnesses the most healthful Athletic Sports, such as Lawn-Tennis, Foot-ball, Base-ball, Swimming, etc. The full directions given for Nursing the Sick are very important, and their value cannot be overestimated. How to Afford Aid in Emergencies should be read by every individual, for it contains rules, which, if applied, would in many instances save human life. No words can fully describe the vast importance of this part of the work. It is impossible to place too high an estimate upon the value of health. It is the condition upon which all labor depends; with it, a beggar is rich ; without it, a millionaire is poor. Weak, puny, drivelling invalids are unfitted for any pursuit, are a burden to themselves and others, and can never succeed in life. If young persons will follow the rules laid down in GOLDEN MANUAL, they will secure the greatest of all blessings. These rules include a large number of exercises which will develop every part of the body. The muscles, the lungs, the walking, running, breathing power, as well as the power of endurance, can all be improved, and the rules given in this work are the best that common sense and medical science have ever discovered. The old adage, “a sound mind in a sound body,” will be realized by those who faithfully practice the instructions here given. Book IV contains Business Rules and Forms, and is a vast compendium of Mercan- tile and Legal Forms, with advice and maxims required by every business man. This part of GOLDEN MANUAL begins with the Meaning of Terms Used in Business. This is followed by Business Rules and Laws for Daily Use. A vast amount of practical knowledge is afforded which is of great service in the transaction of all kinds of business. One of the most valuable parts of this very interesting volume treats of Book-Keeping, giving such instructions, with rules and illustrations, that every boy and girl can learn | | | || - PREFACE. V. | easily the rare art of keeping books. This system of Book-Keeping is the one used by the leading Business College of the United States, and can be obtained in no other work. Most excellent Forms for Business Letters are furnished, which are valuable to those who would know how to write a neat and concise letter on any kind of business. Then, complete and accurate information is given concerning Agreements and Contracts; Laws of Partnership; Bills of Sale, Bonds and Assignments. The subject of Deeds and Mortgages is fully treated, together with the Rights and Duties of Landlords and Tenants. The reader also learns concerning Agencies and Collection of Debts; how Last Wills and Testa- ments should be written, and is fully instructed regarding the great number of details pertaining to all commercial and business transactions. Persons who wish to form societies, such as Lyceums, Farmers' Clubs, etc., often find it difficult to obtain the correct form of a Constitution such as they require. Best forms of Constitutions are given in GOLDEN MANUAL, with Parliamentary Rules and Usages. Here are also Forms for Resolutions and Petitions, which are worded with great care and are exceedingly valuable. The reader is also told How to Conduct Public Celebrations, and is furnished with plain directions which are of great Service on public occasions. Book V is an Encyclopedia of Valuable Information, including the Census of 1890. This part is enriched with a vast collection of important facts, which can be obtained only in this work. The table showing all the Principal Events in Ancient History, together with the table showing all the Important Events in the History of the Principal Countries of the Modern World, is of itself a historic work, furnishing the reader with a multitude of facts which he would elsewhere have to wade through many volumes to obtain. The work also contains very interesting tables concerning our National Government, the birth, marriage, children, death, etc., of the Presidents of the United States, with a great array of facts which every American should have in his possession. Every intelligent person is anxious to obtain the Census of 1890, showing the Population of the various States and Territories, the relative increase of the White and Colored Population; Statistics of Churches, Education, Productions of Every Description, tables relating to Convicts, Reform- atories, Blind Asylums, in short, every thing comprised in the last Census of our country. This immense fund of information concerning the Growth of the United States in Population, the growth of all the Principal Cities, the increase in Agricultural Products, mining of Coal, Copper, Tin and all the Precious Metals, has been obtained directly from the Census Bureau at Washington, and is therefore accurate and reliable. No pains have been spared to render GOLDEN MANUAL the most complete work ever published. The knowledge it affords is of inestimable service in every household. The statistics of the Census are followed by Important Facts for Reference. Here the reader is furnished with a complete tabular History of the Civil War, the Principal Engage- ments, the Names of the Commanders, the number of men engaged and the results. This history covers the entire period of the War from its beginning to its close and is furnished by the War Department at Washington. It is the only accurate and complete tabular history of the Civil War published. It is impossible even to name the multitude of subjects treated in this department of GOLDEN MANUAL. They include important rules and tables, a vast number of facts useful vi PREFACE. to farmers, lawyers, doctors, business men, housekeepers, in short, every class of people. Here is given the Origin of Agricultural Products; Area and Wealth of the Principal Nations of the World; brilliant discoveries in Electricity, including the Telephone, Phonograph and Electric Light; the height of the principal Mountains, Volcanoes, Monu- ments and Buildings of the World; very interesting facts in Geography, Geology, Astronomy and Natural History; principal Exports of Various Countries; dates of first Occurrences, including the Discovery and Settlement of the Countries of the Globe; dates of the Admission of States into the Union ; terms of office and salaries of the various Governors, of States; immigration statistics from 1820 to the present time; the Wonders of the Ancient World and also of the New World, etc., etc. BOOK VI contains Choice Selections of Poetry from the World's Best Authors. Here are the old favorites of song, and also new and captivating productions, forming a rich treasury of the literature of all ages and nations. Many of these are most excellent selec- tions for young persons to recite in School and on public occasions. The most gifted geniuses shine here in one resplendent galaxy, including Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Tennyson, Scott, Byron, Eliza Cook, Mary Howitt, and many others whose fascinating productions have charmed a multitude of readers. The foregoing is only a very imperfect, review of the contents of this work. A volume of such magnitude and completeness cannot be described. The Publishers are confident that no work of equal merit has ever been issued, and they take pleasure in placing this vast compendium of useful knowledge in possession of the Inultitude of readers who will be entertained and instructed by its golden pages. ſ- |IF ălinullhullhull 6'---. =2& * * º º Sºººººººººººº; CONTENTS. BOOK I. Itules of Etiquette for All Occasions. - PAGE “MANNERS MAKE THE MAN '’.................... 17 THE TRUE LADY.......................................... 23 THE TRUE GENTLEMAN .............................. 3O INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS......... 35 CALLS AND VISITS........................................ 4I EVENING PARTIES....................................... 47 INNER PARTIES......................................... 55 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS 63 HOW TO CONVERSE WELL,.......................... 69 ETIQUETTE OF CORRESPONDENCE............ 73 PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS................. ... 81 BOOK II. Courtship, Marriage and Domestic Life. MAN AND WOMAN, OR SENSIBI,E RULES FOR LOVE-MAKING.................................... III WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER............................................. I2 I THE MODEL WIFE....................................... I53 THE MODEL HUSBAND................................ I63 THE ALL-IMPORTANT NURSERY................. I79 HOME OCCUPATIONS FOR LEISURF HOURS 195 HOME PASTIMES AND AMUSEMENTS......... 2 II HELPS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD.................... 227 HOUSE-BUILDING, OR HOW TO OBTAIN A BOOK III. How to be Healthy and Strong. PAGE HEALTHY DWELLINGS................................ 283 IMPORTANCE OF EXERCISE........................ 29I HOW TO STRENGTHEN THE MUSCLES...... 301 THE FAMOUS GERMAN PAN-GYMNASTI- KON, OR SWING AND STIRRUPS.............. 3I7 HEALTHFUL, ATHLETIC SPORTS................. 327 HOW TO NURSE THE SICK.......................... 35I HOW TO GIVE AID IN EMERGENCIES........ 357 BOOK IV. Business Rules and Forms. MEANING OF TERMS USED IN BUSINESS. 365 BljSINESS RULES AND LAWS FOR DAILY USB............................................................. 37 I BOOK-KEEPING............................................. 373 FORMS FOR BUSINESS LETTERS................ 4OI AGREEMENTS, OR CONTRACTS.................... 4O7 LAWS OF PARTNERSHIP.............................. 4I2 BILLS OF SALE, BONDS AND ASSIGN- RIGHTS AND DUTIES OF LANDLORDS AND TENANTS.................................................... 427 AGENCIES AND COLLECTION OF DEBTs... 434 LAST WILLS AND TESTAMENTS.................. 439 FORM OF CONSTITUTION FOR LycEUMS. 445 Yll viii CONTENTS. PAGE PARLIAMENTARY RULES AND USAGES..... 45O FORMS I*OR RESOLUTIONS AND PETI- TIONS................................. ** -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 454 HOW TO CONDUCT PUBLIC CELEBRATIONS 458 4) IBOOTK V. Encyclopedia of Valuable Information, In- cluding the Census of 1890. TABLE SHOWING THE PRINCIPAL EVENTS OF ANCIENT HISTORY.............................. TABLE SHOWING ALL THE IMPORTANT EVENTS IN THE HISTORY OF THE PRIN- CIPAL COUNTRIES OF THE MODERN ſº tº ºp e º E tº e º 'º e º tº $ tº gº tº e g tº v c e º ºs & e g g g g g º e g º e º e º sº tº in e s tº w tº a º º ºs º ſº gº PAGE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES ACCORDING TO THE CENSUS OF 1890..... 508 WARS OF THE UNITED STATES.................. 5.I.9 IMPORTANT I*ACTS FOR REFERENCE........ 525 SYNONYMS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE 574 FOREIGN WORDS AND PHRASES IN COM- MON USB.................................................... 594 ABBREVIATIONS USED IN WIRITING AND PRINTING ................................................... 599 CONUNDRUMS............................................... 6oo IBOOK WI. Choice Selections of Poetry from the World’s Best Authors. 606 e e º ºs e º e º e s e º e º is e º e s a e º 'º e º e s is a s tº e a e o 'º e s e º is a e º e s e e s º e s e e a e e s tº º (23. sy-sº: 㺠º º G @). @@ D 99.9999. @@@@ 99.9999) (sº S. BOOK I. Rules of Etiquette for all Occasions CHAPTER I. “Manners Make the Man.” OOD MANNERS are so important © that the world has long had the pro- verb that “Manners Make the Man.” A person may be highly gifted and well educated, yet if destitute of the art of pleas- ing, all other accomplishments will be of little account. Success in life depends much upon appearance and deportment. According to Swift, good manners are the art of making those people with whom we converse feel at case. Persons of refinement and generous impulses always endeavor to render themselves agreeable to those in whose company they are destined to travel in the journey of life. They are no more eager to gain pleasure for themselves, than to bestow it upon others. The art of pleasing is so simple, that it requires nothing more than the constant de- sire to please in all our words and actions; and the practice of it can neither wound a man's esteem, nor be prejudicial to his wel- fare in any possible situation. Though this be true, it is frequently the case that but little attention is paid to the art of pleasing. Each individual is so zeal- ous to promote his own pleasure as to be liable to forget that his neighbor has claims equal to his own. Every man who enters into Society gives up, for the time, many of his peculiar rights, and forms part of an association met together, not for the particu- lar gratification of any one, but for the pleasure of the whole company. All the elements which form a good and attractive character are essential to the art of pleasing. In business affairs, we delight to deal with men in whom we can place confidence, and in whom we find integ- rity; truth is so naturally pleasing that we derive great satisfaction from an honest character. “Should you be suspected (says Chesterfield) of injustice, malignity, perfidy, lying, etc., all the graces and knowledge of the world will never procure you esteem, friendship and respect.” The first of requisitesin our intercourse with the world, and the chief in giving pleasure to those with whom we associate, is inviol- able sincerity of heart. Acknowledged sincerity always gives the same ornament to character that modesty does to manners. It would abundantly atone for ridiculous ceremonies, or false and un- 1meaning professions; and it would in no respect diminish the lustre of a noble bear- ing, or the perfection of an elegant address. Modesty, however, is not inconsistent 2 I 8 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. with firmness and dignity of character; it arises rather from the knowledge of our im- perfection compared with a certain standard, than from conscious ignorance of what we ought to know. The well-bred man feels at ease in all companies, is modest without being bashful, and self-possessed without being forward. A Well Stored Mind. A man possessing the amiable virtues is still farther prepared to please, by having in his own mind a perpetual fund of information and entertainment. IIe can easily conceal thoughts which it would be in bad taste to avow, and he is not anxious to display virtues which might be distasteful to his companions. To possess a correct and enlightened under- standing, and a fund of rational knowledge, is a chief ingredient in the art of pleasing. With modesty and tact we should be able to make ourselves agreeable to those with whom we have occasion to associate. The faculty of communicating ideas is pe- culiar to man, and the pleasure which he derives from their interchange is one of the most important of his blessings. Man- kind are formed with numberless wants, and with a mutual power of assisting each other. It is a beautiful and happy part of the same perfect plan, that they are likewise formed to delight in each other's company, and in the mutual interchange of their thoughts. The different species of communication, in a highly polished age, are as numerous as the different ranks, employments and occupa- tions of men; and indeed the knowledge which men wish to communicate often takes its tinge from their peculiar professions or occupations. Adapt Yourself to Your Company. Thus commercial men delight to talk of their trade, and of business affairs; men of # pleasure, who wish merely to vary or quicken their amusements, are in conversation light, trifling, and insincere; and the literati de- light to dwell on new books, learned mell, and important discoveries in science and arts. But as the different classes of men will fre- quently 111eet together, all parties must so act, as to combine the useful and agreeable, and thereby be able to give the greatest pleasure to their associates. Attention to these principles will enable the man of pleasure and the 1man of learn- ing to derive mutual advantage from their different qualifications. With due attention to such ideas, we proceed to mention the kinds of knowledge which are most fitted for conversation. Those who wish to please should particularly endeavor to be informed on subjects most generally 1mentioned. An accurate or extensive knowledge on learned subjects is by no means sufficient; we must also have an extensive knowledge of the coul- mon occurrences of life. Value of Practical Knowledge. It is the knowledge of mankind, of govern- ments, of history, of public characters, and of the springs which put the great and the little actions of the world in motion, which gives real pleasure and rational instruction. The lºnowledge which we communicate must in some shape be interesting to those to whom we communicate it. It should also be of such importance, as to elevate the thoughts somewhat above the actions of the narrow circle formed in our own immediate neigh- borhood. On this account it is recommended by an author who fully knew mankind, as a maxim of great importance in the art of pleasing, to be acquainted with the private character of those men, who, from their station or their actions, are making their mark in the world. We naturally wish to see such men in their “MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.” I9 retired and undisguised moments; and he who can gratify us is highly acceptable. History of all kinds, fitly introduced, and occa- sionally embellished with pleasing anecdotes, is an important part of our entertainment in the intercourse of life. This is imparting in- struction, without exciting much envy; it depends on memory, and memory is one of those talents the possession of which we least grudge to our neighbor. Rnowledge of Human Nature. Our knowledge of history, at the same time, must not appear in long and tedious details; but in apt and well-chosen allusions, calculated to illustrate the particular subject of conversation. But the knowledge most necessary is that of the human heart. This is acquired by constant observation of the manners and maxims of the world, connect- ed with that which passes in our own minds. This leads us from the common details of conduct, from slander and defamation, to the sources and principles of action, and enables us to enter into what may be called the phil- Osophy of conversation. By this means constant materials are Sup- plied for free, easy, and spirited communica- tion. The restraints which are imposed on Imankind, either from what their own charac- ter may suffer, or from the apprehension of giving offense to others, are entirely taken off, and they have a sufficient quantity of current coin for all the common purposes of life. Another very important requisite in the art of pleasing isgraceful and easy manners. Lord Chesterfield indeed considers these as the most essential and important part; as if the dia- mond received its whole value from the polish. But though he is unquestionably mistaken, there is yet a certain sweetness of manners which is particularly engaging in our intercourse with the world. This consti- gilding of a disagreeable pill. tutes the character which the French, under the appellation of l'aimable, so much talk of, and so justly value. A Winning Manner. This is not so easily described as felt. It is the compound result of different things; not a servility of manners, but affability, courtesy, and an air of softness in the coun- tenance, gesture, and expression, equally whether you agree or disagree with the per- son you converse with. This is particularly to be studied when we are obliged to refuse a favor asked of us, or to say what in itself cannot be very agreeable to the person to whom we say it. It is then the necessary But this, which may be called the suaviter in modo, would degenerate and sink into a mean and timid complaisance and passiveness, if not supported by firmness and dignity of charac- ter. Hence the Latin sentence, suaviter in modo, ſor/iler in re (suavity of manner, with firmness in acting), becomes a useful and important maxim in life. Genuine easy 1manners result from a con- stant attention to the relations of persons, things, times, and places. When we con- verse with one greatly our superior, we are to be as easy and unembarrassed as with our equals; yet every look, word, and action, should imply, without any kind of servile flattery, the greatest respect. In 1mixed com- panies, with our equals, greater ease and liberty are allowed; but they too have their proper limits. There is a social respect nec- essary. Our words, gestures, and attitudes, have a greater degree of latitude, though not an unbounded one. Now, this ease of carriage and behavior which is exceedingly engaging, widely differs from negligence and inattention, and by no means implies that one may do whatever he pleases; it only means that one is not to be 2O RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. stiff, formal, or embarrassed, disconcerted and diffident; but it requires great attention to, and a scrupulous observation of, what the French call les bienſeances, a word which implics “decorum, good breeding, and pro- priety.” Whatever we ought to do, is to be done with ease and unconcern; whatever is improper, must not be done at all. In 1mixed •ompanies, also, different ages and sexes are to be differently addressed. Although we are to be respectful toward all, old age par- ticularly requires to be treated with a degree of deference and regard. It is a good gen- eral rule, to accustom ourselves to have a kind feeling to every thing connected with man; and when this is the case, we shall seldom err in the application. The inward feeling will appear in the outward conduct. Do not be Forward. Another important point in decorum is, not to thrust our own present humor and dis- position indiscriminately against everybody, but to observe and adopt theirs. And if we cannot find one of similar humor and disposition, it is necessary to single out those to converse with who happen to be in the 11uinor the nearest to our own. Peremptori- ness and conceit, especially in young peo- ple, is contrary to good breeding: they should seldom seem to dissent, and always use some softening mitigating expression. There is a decorum also with regard to people of the lowest degree; a gentleman observes it with his coachman, and even indeed with the beggar in the street. He considers them as objects of compassion, not of insult; he speaks to neither in a harsh tone, but corrects the one gently, and refuses the other with humanity. The following observations perhaps coll- tain the sum of the art of pleasing: I. A fixed and habitual resolution of en- deavoring to please will seldom fail of effect, and its effect will every day become more visible as this habit increases in strength. 2. This resolution must be regulated by a very considerable degree of good sense. 3. It is a maxim of almost general appli- cation, that what pleases us in another will also please others in us. 4. A constant and habitual attention to the different dispositions of mankind, to their ruling passions, and to their peculiar or oc- casional humors, is absolutely necessary. 5. A man who would please must possess a firm, equal, and steady temper. And, 6. An easy and graceful manner, as dis- tant from bashfulness on the one hand as from impudence on the other. “He who thinks himself sure of pleasing (says Lord Chesterfield), and he who despairs of it, are equally sure to fail.” And he is undoubtedly right. The one, by his assuming vanity, is inattentive to the means of pleasing; and the other, from fear, is rendered incapable of employing them. Necessity of Observing Etiquette. Politeness is one of those advantages which we never estimate rightly but by the inconvenience of its loss. Its influence upon the manners is constant and uniform, so that, like an equal motion, it escapes perception. Yet the difference between a polite person and one who is impolite is very marked. Those who do not possess good breeding are not apt to understand its importance and worth. But as sickness shows us the value of ease, a little familiarity with those who were never taught to contribute to the gratification of others, but regulate their behavior merely by their own will, will soon evince the necessity of established modes and formalities to the happiness and quiet of common life. Wisdom and virtue are by no means suffi- cient, without the supplemental laws of good- “MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.” 2 I breeding, to secure freedom from degenera- ting into rudeness, or self-esteem from swell- ing into insolence; a thousand incivilities may be committed, and a thousand offices neg- 1ected, without any remorse of conscience, or reproach from reason. The true effect of genuine politeness seems to be ease and hence pleasure. The power of delighting must be conferred by nature, and cannot be delivered by precept, or Ob- tailled by imitation ; but though it be the privilege of a very small number to ravish and to charin, all persons may hope by rules and caution not to give offence, and 1nay, there- fore, by the llelp of good-breeding, enjoy the kindness of their fellows, though they should have no claim to higher distinction. ICeep Sclf in the Background. The universal axiom from which flow all the formalities which custom has established in civilized nations is, Z%at 7zo meaſe shal/ gaze any preſerence to himsel/–a rule so com- prehensive that, perhaps, it is not easy for the 1mind to imagine an incivility, without Sup- posing this rule to be broken. There are, indeed, in every place, some particular modes of the ceremonial part of good-breeding, which being arbitrary and accidental, can be learned only by residence and conversation; such are the forms of salutation, the different gradations of rever- ence, and all the adjustments of place and precedence. These, however, may be often violated without offence, if it be sufficiently evident, that neither malice nor pride con- tributed to the failure; but will not atone, however rigidly observed, for insolence, or petulance. I have, indeed, not found among any part of mankind, less real and rational good-breed- ing, than among those who have passed their time in paying and receiving visits, in frequent- ing public entertainments, in studying the exact measures of ceremony, and in watching all the variations of fashionable courtesy. They know, indeed, at what hour they may be at the door of an acquaintance, how mally steps they must attend him towards the gate, and what interval should pass before his visit is returned; but seldom extend their care beyond the exterior and unessential parts of civility, nor refuse their own vanity any gratification, however expensive to the quiet of another. To love all men is our duty, so far as it includes a general habit of benevolence, and readiness for Occasional kindness; but to love all equally is impossible; at least impos- sible without the extinction of those passions which now produce all our pains and all our pleasures, and without the disuse, if not the abolition, of some of our faculties, and the suppression of all our hopes and fears in apathy and indifference. The necessities of our condition require a thousand offices of tenderness, which 1mere regard for the species will never dictate. Every man has frequent grievances which only the solicitude of friendship will discover and remedy, and which would remain for ever unheeded in the mighty mass of luman calamity, were it only surveyed by the eye of general benevolence, equally attentive to every misery. Always be in a Good Humor. Good-humor may be defined a habit of being pleased; a constant and perennial soft- ness of manner, easiness of approach, and suavity of disposition; like that which every man perceives in himself, when the first transports of new felicity have subsided, and his thoughts are only kept in motion by a slow succession of Soft impulses. Good humor is a state between gaiety and uncon- cern, the act or emanation of a mind at leis- ure to regard the gratification of another. 22 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS, It is imagined by many, that whenever they aspire to please, they are required to be merry, and to show the gladness of their souls by flights of pleasantry, and bursts of laughter. But though these men may be for a time heard with applause and admira- tion, they seldom delight us long. We enjoy them a little, and then retire to easiness and good humor, as the eye gazes awhile on an eminence glittering with the sun, but soon turns achisg away to verdure and flowers. Gaiety is to good humor as animal per- fumes to vegetable fragrance; the one over- powers weak spirits, and the other recreates and revives them. Gaiety seldom fails to give some disgust; the hearers either strain their faculties to accompany its outbursts, or are left behind in envy and despair. Good flumor boasts no faculties which every one does not believe to be in his own power, and pleases principally by not offending. It is well known that the 1most certain way to give any man pleasure is to persuade him that you receive pleasure from him, to en- courage him to freedom and confidence, and to avoid any such appearance of Superiority as may overbear and depress him. We see many that by this art only, spend their days in the Imidst of caresses, invitations, and civilities; and without any extraordinary qualities or attainments, are the universal favorites of both sexes, and certainly find a friend in every place. The darlings and favorites of the world are generally those who excite neither jealousy nor fear, and are not considered as candidates for any eminent degree of reputation, but content themselves with common accomplishments, and en- deavor rather to solicit good will than to raise esteem; therefore, in assemblies and places of resort, it seldom fails to happen, that though at the entrance of some particular person, every face brightens with gladness, and every land is extended in salutation, yet if you pursue him beyond the first exchange of civilities, you will find him of only ordinary importance, and welcome to the company as one by whom all conceive themselves admired, and with whom any one is at liberty to amuse himself when he can find no other auditor or companion. He can place all at ease if he will hear a jest with- out criticism, and a narrative without con- tradiction, laugh at every wit, and yield to every disputer. There are many whose vanity always in- clines them to associate with those from whom they have no reason to fear mortifica- tion; and there are times in which the wise and the knowing are willing to receive praise without the labor of deserving it. They are pleased with the appreciation bestowed by others when no great effort is made to obtain it. All therefore are at some hour or another fond of companions whom they can entertain upon easy terms, and who will relieve them from solitude, without condemning them to vigilance and caution. We are most inclined to love when we have nothing to fear, and he that encourages us to please ourselves, will not be long without preference in our affection to those whose learning holds us at the distance of pupils, or whose wit calls all attention from us, and leaves us without importance and without regard. We dislike to be placed in such unpleasant contrast with others. CHAPTER II. The True Lady. N AGREEABLE, modest, and digni- fied bearing is, in the younger period of a woman's existence, almost like a dower to her. Whatever 1may be the tran- sient craze and fashion of the day, that which is amiable, graceful, and true in taste, will always please the majority of the world. A young lady, properly so called, should not require to have allowances made for her. Well brought up, her address should be polite and gentle, and it will, soon after her introduction to society, become easy “to be civil with ease.” On first being introduced to any stranger, there is no insincerity in the display of a certain pleasure. We are advised by Wil- berforce to give our good-will, at first, on leasehold. To the elder, a deferential bow marks the well brought up girl. She must not receive her new acquaintance with a hysteric laugh, such as I have seen whole families prone to ; neither must she look heavy, draw down her mouth, and appear as if she did not care for her new acquaintance; nor must she look at once over the dress of the person introduced as if taking an in- ventory of it; nor appear hurried, as if glad to get away on the first break in the conver- sation. She must give due attention, or reasonable time to perfect the introduction, to a certain extent. Volubility is to be avoided; to overpower with a volley of words is more cruel than kind; the words should be gently spoken, not drawled, and the voice loud enough to be caught easily, but always in an undertone to the power of voice allotted by nature. Some persons appear to go to the very extreme, and deafen you; they may speak the words of wisdom, but you wish them dumb. Others mumble so that you are forced con- tinually to express your total inability to follow the drift of their remarks; others drawl so that you feel that life is not long enough for such acquaintance. All these are habits to be conquered in youth. Be Natural. Avoid, especially, affectation. It was once in fashion. Some ladies put it on with their dresses; others, by a long practice, were suc- cessful in making it habitual. It became what was called their manner. Sophia has a manner; it is not affectation, “it is her Imanner, only manner.” Affectation has long ceased to be the fashion, and like many other bygone peculiarities, one sees it only in vulgar Society. There is a way also of looking that must be regulated. The audacious stare is odious; the sly, oblique, impenetrable look is unsatis- factory. Softly and kindly should the eyes be raised to those of the speaker, and only withdrawn when the speech, whatever it may be, is concluded. Immediate intimacy and a familiar 1manner are worse than the glum look with which some young ladies have a liabit of regarding their fellow mortals. There is also a certain dignity of manners necessary to make even the most superior persons re- spected. This dignity can hardly be as- sumed; it cannot be taught; it must be the result of intrinsic qualities, aided by a knowl- edge very much overlooked in modern edu. cation—“the knowledge how to behave.” 23 24 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. It is distinct from pretension, which is about the worst feature of bad manners, and creates nothing but disgust. A lady should be equal to every occasion. Her politeness, her equa- nimity, her presence of mind, should attend her to the court and to the cottage. Be Amiable. Neithershould private vexations beallowed to act upon her manners, either in her own house or in those of others. If unfit for so- ciety, 1et lier refrain from entering it. If she enters it, let her remember that every one is expected to add something to the general stock of pleasure or improvement. The slight self-command required by good society is often beneficial both to the temper and spirits. One great discredit to the present day is the “loud young lady.” She is the hoyden of the old comedies, without the indelicacy of that character. An avowed flirt, she does not scruple to talk of lier conquests, real or imaginary. You may know her by her phrases. She talks of “the men,” of such and such “a charmer.” She does not mind, but rather prefers sitting with “the men” when they are smoking; she rides furiously, and plays billiards. But it is in her marked antagonism to her own sex that the “loud.” young lady is perceptible. She shuts up her 111oral perceptions, and sees neither beauty nor talent in her own sex. With all this she is often violently confident, and calls all idiots who differ from herin—I can scarcely say her opinions—but rather her prejudices. By degrees, the assumption of assurance which has had its source in bad taste, be- comes real; a hard, bold look, a free tongue, and above all, the latitude of manner shown to her by the other sex, and allowed by her, show that the inward characteristics have followed the outward, and that she is become insensible to all that she has lost of feminine charm, and gained in effrontery. . For the instant a woman loses the true feminine type, she parts from half her influence. The coquette is flattered, admired openly, but Secretly condemned. Many a plain woman has gained and kept a heart by being merely womanly and gentle. In one respect, how- ever, the flirt may console herself; her flirta- tions are as fearless as her expressions; they do little harm to any but herself. Broken hearts have not to turn reproachfully to loud ligh-spirited, overbearing women, “jolly girls,” as they are styled ; “chaff” in which they delight as often offends as amuses. To gain an empire over the affections of others, there must be somewhat of sentiment or sympathy in the nature of woman. Your loud, boastful, positive young lady, will never be remembered with a soft interest, unless there bé, perchance, some soft touch in her that redeems her from hardness. Flirtation. With regard to flirtation, it is difficult to draw a limit where the predilection of the Imoment becomes the 1more tender and seri- ous feeling, and flirtation sobers into a 1more Honorable form of devoted attention. We all dread for our daughters imprudent and harrassing attachments; let it not, how- ever, be supposed that long practiced flirta- tions are without their evil effects on the character and manners. They excite and amuse, but they also exhaust the spirit. They expose women to censure and to mis- construction; that is their least evil; they destroy the charm of her manners and the simplicity of her heart. Yet the coquette clings to flirtation of the type of her class; it is the privilege of that social instinct which enables one flirt to discover and find out another. She glories in number. Where a rival has slain her thousands, she has over- thrown her tens of thousands. She forgets THE TRUE LADY. º 25 that, with every successive flirtation, one charm after another disappears, like the petals from a fading rose, until all the de- liciousness of a fresh and pure character is lost in the destructive sport. On all these points a woman should take a high tone in the beginning of her life. It is sure to be sufficiently lowered as time goes on. She loses, too, that sort of tact which prevents her from discerning when she has gone too far, and the forward young lady becomes the hardened and practiced flirt, against whom all men are on their guard. Substantial Virtues. Says a well-known English author: “It is true that, in comparing the present day with former times, we must take into account, when we praise the models of more chivalric days, that we know only the best specimens; the interior life of the middle classes is veiled from us by the mist of ages. Yet it is to be deduced from biography, as well as from the testimony of the poets and dramatists, that there was, before the Restoration, a sort of halo around young women of delicacy and good breeding, owing, perhaps, in part, to the more retired lives that they led, but more to the remnants of that fast-departing senti- ment of chivalrous respect which youth and beauty inspired. Then came the upsetting demoralization of the Restoration, when all prudent fathers kept their daughters from court, and only the bold and unrefined re- mained to furnish chronicles for De Gram- mont; we are not, therefore, to judge of the young women of England by his pictures. The character of English ladies rose again to a height of moral elevation during the placid and well-conducted rule of Anne, and continued, as far as related to single women, to be the pride and boast of the country. Even now, when the reckless flirtation, loud voices, unamusing jokes, which are comprised under the odious term ‘chaff,” and the mas- culine tastes of the present day are deprecated, events bring forth from time to time such in- stances of devotion and virtue as must con- vince one that there is no degeneracy in our own countrywomen on solid points. Few, indeed, are these instances, among the class we have described. We must not look for Florence Nightingales and Miss Marshes among that company of the unrefined.” The Prude and Blue-Stocking. Contrasted with the coquette, comes forth the prude, and her friend the blue-stock- ing, who see harm in everything. You may know the prude by her stolid air of resist- ance to 1mankind in general, and by her patronizing Inanner to her own sex. Her style of manner is repressive ; her style of conversation, reprehensive. She has started in life with an immense conceit of her own mental powers and moral attributes, of which the world in general is scarcely worthy. Her manner is indicative of this conviction ; and becomes accordingly, without her intending it, offensive, when she believes herself to be polite. The prude and the pedant are often firm friends, each adoring the other. The unre- fined young lady deals largely in epithets: “idiot, dolt, wretch, humbug, fraud,” drop from her lips; but the prude and her friend the blue-stocking permit themselves to use conventional phrases only; their notion of conversation is that it be instructive, and, at the same time, mystifying. The young blue- stocking has, nevertheless, large views of the regeneration of Society, and emancipation of woman from her degrading inferiority of Social position. She speaks in measured phrase; it is like listening to a book to hear her. She is wrapped up in Tennyson, Browning and Holmes. There is, in all this, a great aim at display, with a self-righteous- 26 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. ness that is very unpleasing. Avoid, there- fore, either extreme, and be convinced that an artless gaiety, tempered by refinement, always pleases. Every attempt to obtrude on a company subjects either to which they are indifferent, or of which they are ignorant, is in bad taste. “Man should be taught as though you taught him not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot.” The Married Lady. The bearing of married women should so far differ from that of the unmarried, that there should be greater quietness and dignity; a more close adherence to forms; and an obvious, as well as a real abandonment of the admiration which has been received before marriage. All flirtation, however it may be countenanced by the present custom of society, should be sternly and forever put aside. There is no reason for conversation to be less lively, or society less agreeable; it is, indeed, likely to be more so, if flattered vanity, which may be wounded at any moment, interposes, not to 1mar but to en- hance enjoyment. If a young married woman wishes to be respected, and therefore happy in life, there should be a quiet pro- priety of manner, a dignity towards the male sex, which cannot be mistaken in her for prudery, since it is consistent with her posi- tion and her ties. She should change her tone, if that has been unrefined; she should not put herself on a level with young un- married women of her own age, but should influence and even lead her youthful acquaint- ance into that style of behavior which is much esteemed by men of good taste. She should rather discountenance coquetry, but has no need to copy or to bring forward the prude and the blue-stocking. With regard to dress, it is impossible to do more than offer a few general observations. The fashion of dress is of to-day; but the aesthetics of dress are for all time. No mat- ter to what absurd lengths fashion may go, a woman of taste will ever avoid the ridicu- lous. The milliner and dressmaker may handle the scissors never so despotically, but in matters of color, harmony, and contrast, they remain under the control of their em- ployer. Dress, indeed, may fairly claim to be considered in the light of a fine art. To dress well demands something more than a full purse and a pretty figure. It requires taste, good sense, and refinement. Propriety of Dress. A woman of taste and good sense will neither make dress her first nor her last object in life. She will remember that no wife should betray that total indifference for her husband's taste which is implied in the neglect of her appearance; and she will also 1emember that to dress consistently and taste- fully is one of the duties which she owes to society. * There is a Spanish proverb which says, “Every hair has its shadow.” So, in like manner, every lady, however insignificant her Social position may appear to herself, must exercise a certain influence on the feelings and opinions of others. If, therefore, the art of dressing appears either too irksome or too frivolous to such of the fair sex as are en- gaged in serious occupations, let them re- member that it performs the same part in beautifying domestic life as is performed by music and the fine arts in embellishing the life moral and spiritual. So long, there- fore, as dress inerely occupies so much time and requires so much money as we are fairly entitled to allow it, nothing can be said against it. When extravagant fashions are indulged in—extravagant habits fostered at any cost and under any circumstances—the critic is quite justified in his strictures, how- ever severe. Dress, to be in perfect taste, THE TRUE LADY. 27 need not be costly; and no woman of right feeling will adorn her person at the expense of her husband's comfort or her children’s education. Good Taste. “As a work of art a well-dressed woman is a study.” Her toilette will be as well chosen at the family breakfast-table as at the ball. If she loves bright colors and can wear them with impunity, they will be as harmo- niously arranged as an artist arranges his colors on the palette. If she is young, her dress will be youthful; if she is old, it will not affect simplicity. She will always follow rather than lead the prevailing fashion, and rather follow her own fashion than violate good taste or common sense. The golden rule in dress is to avoid ex- tremes. Do not be so original ill your dress as to be peculiar; and do not affect fashions that are radically unbecoming to you. Ladies who are neither very young nor very striking in appearance cannot do better than wear quiet colors. Ladies who are not rich can always appear well dressed, with a little care in the choice and the arrangement of the materials. Whatever the texture of the dress, it should be made by the very best dressmaker you can afford. As well go to a third or a fourth-rate dentist, music-master, or doctor, as go to a third or fourth-rate dressmaker. The dressmaker is a woman's good or evil genius. Morning dress should be faultless in its way. For young ladies, married or unmar- ried, nothing is prettier in summer than white or very light morning dresses of wash- ing materials. Light dresses must be ex- quisitely fresh and clean, ribbons fresh, collars and cuffs irreproachable. All stuffs are to be rigidly eschewed except those of the very finest kind. Morning dress for elderly ladies of wealth and position should be of dark silk. Jewelry, hair ornament, and light silk dresses are not permissible for morning WC21. Walking dress should always be quiet. Rich walking dress attracts attention, which in the street is not desirable. For the car- riage, a lady may dress as elegantly as she pleases. - Elderly ladies should always dress richly. Any thin old lady may wear delicate colors, whilst a stout, florid person looks best in black or dark gray. For young as well as old, the question of colors must, however, be determined by complexion and figure. Rich colors harmonize with rich brunette complexions and dark hair; delicate colors are the most suitable for delicate and fragile styles of beauty. At dinner parties, unless of a small, friendly kind, only the fullest dress is appro- priate. Demi-toilette can be worn at uncere- monious dinners, and even high dresses, if the material be sufficiently rich. It is better to wear real flowers at large dinner parties, but artificial ones at balls; since the former would droop and fall to pieces with the heat and the dancing. What Jewelry to Wear. Much jewelry is out of place for young ladies at any time; and, indeed, there is as much propriety to be observed in the wear- ing of jewelry as in the wearing of dresses. Diamonds, pearls, rubies, and all transparent precious stones belong to evening dress, and should never be worn before dinner. In the morning, one's rings should be of the siln- plest kind, and the jewelry limited to a good brooch, gold chain, and watch. Dia- monds and pearls are as much out of place during the morning as a low dressor a wreath. It is well to remember in the choice of jewelry that mere costliness is not always the test of value; and that an exquisite work of 28 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. art, or a natural rarity, such as a black pearl, is a possession more desirable than a large lorilliant which any one who has money enough can buy as well as yourself. Gloves, shoes, and boots must always be faultless. Gloves cannot be too light for the carriage, or too dark for the streets. A woman with ill-fitting gloves cannot be said to be well dressed; while to wear soiled gloves at your friend's reception is to show her that you think lightly of herself and her company. It may be remarked, by the way, that per- fumes should be used only in the evening, and with the strictest moderation. Perfumes to be tolerable must be of the most delicate kind. Some people of sensitive temperament would be made ill by the smell of musk or patchouli. Let every lady remember Dr. Johnson's criticism on a lady's dress: “I am sure she was well dressed,” said the Doctor, “for I cannot remember what she had on.” Apparel for the Street. Suit your dresses to the occasion upon which they are to be used. In the morning, at home, a lady may wear a loose, flowing dress, made high in the neck, with a belt at the waist, and with loose sleeves fastened at the wrist. On the street a walking-costume should be worn, and the dress should clear the ground. Fashion may sometimes demand a trailing dress for the street, but no lady should submit to such a demand. There is nothing more disgusting than to see a rich dress sweeping up the dirt and filth of the street. The shoes for the street should be high, warm, and easy to the feet, with a low, broad heel, and should be always neatly blackened. For ordinary street wear a lady may use either a hat or a bonnet. This is a matter of taste. In the dress of ladies, great atitude is allowed; but the aim of the gentle sex should be simplicity and taste. Consider what colors will suit your com- plexion. If a lady is dark, blue will not look well upon her; or if she be fair, pink will not become her. The most trying color is yellow. Only very pronounced brunettes can wear it. A lady must also take her size into consideration in selecting her dress. Stripes running the length of the dress have the effect of making a short person look taller, and should not be worn by a tall per- son. On the other hand, flounces 1may be worn by tall persons only, as they cause them to look shorter. It is important that a lady should always dress neatly at home. She is then ready to receive a morning caller without having to change her dress. She should change her dress for the evening. Some neat and dainty costume should be worn, according to her taste, for it is in the evening that she is thrown most with the male 1members of her family, and is most likely to have visitors. In making evening calls upon her friends, a lady should wear a hood, or some light head-wrap easily laid aside. A bonnet should always be removed at the commencement of such a visit. Public Occasions. The fashion of the time should govern the evening dress. It always means full dress, but it is impossible to give any fixed rule re- garding it. A competent dressmaker, or the fashion publications of the time, will give the necessary information. In Europe, the even- ing dress requires the exposure of the arms and neck; but in this country the more sen- sible plan of covering these parts of the body is fairly the fashion, and should be observed except on very special occasions. The dress for balls and soirees should be of the richest and most elaborate description, with elegant jewelry. This is a matter of THE TRUE LADY. 29 taste with the lady, who should avoid being over dressed. White kid gloves and white Satin or kid boots are 1most suitable to a ball dress. If the overdress is of black lace, black Satin shoes are worn. The richest full dress should be worn at the opera. This must be governed by the prevailing fashion. The head should be bare, and dressed in the most becoming style. Jewelry may be worn, according to taste, as there is no place where it shows to better advantage. A light or brilliant colored opera cloak will add greatly to the lady's appearance and comfort. Gloves of white, or delicately tinted kid only are to be worn. The ordinary walking-dress is suitable for the theatre and places of amusement generally. A rich and elegant shawl may be worn, as it can be thrown off when uncomfortable. Dress for Church. Plain and simple dress should be worn for church, with very little jewelry. The cos- tume should be of quiet colors. It is a mark of bad taste for ladies to attend church elab- orately or conspicuously dressed. It shows a disregard for the solemnity of the sanctuary, and is calculated to draw off the attention of others from the duties of the place. In re- ceiving the Holy Communion, the hands should be ungloved. A lady's street dress should be simple and without display. To dress conspicuously or in brilliant colors for the street is a sign of bad breeding. In bad weather, a light rubber or cloth waterproof with a hood is more con- venient and a better protection than an umbrella. To wear much jewelry on the street is vulgar. In large cities it subjects a lady to the danger of robbery. Travelling costume should be simple and of quiet colors, such as will not show dirt. A very slight display of jewelry should be made, especially if the lady is travelling alone. A should be worn over the dress. waterproof cloak should be carried along, as no one can tell at what time it may be 11eeded. In the summer, a long linen duster It should be belted at the waist. For the country or sea-side, simple and inexpensive dresses should be provided for ordinary wear. The bonnet should give place to a hat with a brim sufficiently wide to shield the face and neck from the sun. Bathing dresses should be made of blue or gray flannel. The skirt should come down to the ankles, and the sleeves should belong. An oil silk or India-rubber cap, fitting tightly around the head, will protect the liair from the salt water. Consider your age in choosing your cos- turne. An old woman cannot properly dress like a young girl. No one should dress in the “height of the fashion.” Moderation is a sure mark of good breeding. It is impossible to prescribe an exact style or mode of dress for ladies in all places and on all occasions. Fashion will change, and, it Inust be confessed, in the matter of female costume, its changes have been for the better. New Attractions. Every lady should keep her eyes open to the changes which are constantly going on in the fashionable world. The female mind is unusually busy at the present time, and Some of the best talent of the country is employed in devising new and beautiful cos- tunes. The journals of fashion are as ably edited as any of our great political journals or literary magazines. If a young lady proves herself to be an expert in making new designs, such as will be popular, she commands a salary equal to that paid for the best literary talent. Instances are on record of young girls who have shown great genius in this direction, and have amassed comfort. able fortunes at a comparatively early age. CHAPTER III. The True Gentleman. OU must be a gentleman before you can act the gentleman. If you attempt to put on what you have not, the world will discover the cheat, and will ridicule your hypocrisy. How are we to define that unmistakable something, in every look and word, that makes a gentleman or gentlewoman? May good breeding be acquired as an art? and if so, where are we to seek the best professors? Who does not wish to give his children, above all other accomplishments, that inestimable branch of education, the manners of good Society? What is learning, what are abilities, what are personal attractions, what is wealth, with- out this one supreme essential? A man may know as many languages as Burritt, may have made scientific discoveries greater than those of Herschel or Darwin, may be as rich as a Vanderbilt, as brave as a Sheridan or Jackson, yet if he has a habit of hesitating over his words, or twisting his limbs, of twirling his thumbs, of laughing boisterously, of doing or saying awkward trifles, of what account is he in society? But we would by no means be understood to say that these mere outward observances con- stitute the essence of good manners. Neither gestures, nor tones, nor habits, can be ac- cepted as infallible signs of good or ill breed- ing. Yawning, and lolling, and knife-swal- 1owing, are terrible habits enough, and would be, of course, sufficient to exclude any man or woman who practiced them from the pre- cincts of good society; not only because they are in themselves offensive, but because they would point to foregone associations of a vulgar kind; but they do not of necessity prove that the primary essentials of good manners—the foundation, so to speak, upon which the edifice of good manners should be built—is wanting in those unfortunate per- sons who are guilty of the offences in ques- tion. That foundation, that primary essential, is goodness—innate goodness, innate gentle- ness, innate unselfishness. Upon these quali- ties, and these alone, are based all those observances and customs which we class together under the head of good manners. And these good manners, be it remembered, do not merely consist in the art of bowing gracefully, of entering a room well, of talk- ing easily, of being familiar with all the minor habits of the best society. A man may have all this, know all this, and yet, if he be selfish, or ill-natured, or untruthful, fail altogether of being a true gentleman, and repel those who are well bred. Good manners are far, indeed, from being the outward evidences of mere training and discipline. They are the kindly fruits of a refined nature. As just and elevated thoughts expressed in choice language are the index of a highly trained and well-regulated mind, so does every act, however unimportant, and every gesture, however insignificant, reveal the kindly, considerate, modest, loyal nature of the true gentleman and the true lady. Hear what Ruskin has to say of the char- acteristics of the true gentleman: “A gen- tleman's first characteristic is that fineness of structure in the body which renders it capa- 3O THE TRUE GENTLEMAN. 3 I ble of the most delicate sensation, and of that structure in the 1mind which renders it capable of the most delicate sympathies—one may say, simply, ‘fineness of nature.’ This is, of course, compatible with heroic bodily strength and mental firmness; in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable without such delicacy. Elephantine strength may drive its way through a forest, and feel no touch of the boughs; but the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in glow of battle, and bellave itself like iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal: but if you think about him carefully, you will find that his non-vulgarity consists in such gen- tleness as is possible to elephantine nature; not in his insensitive hide, nor in his clumsy ſoot, but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his path ; and in his sensitive trunk, and still more sensitive mind, and capability of pique on points of honor. Hence it will follow, that one of the probable signs of high breeding in men generally will be their kindness and mercifulness; these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the mind.” Rindly Consideration of Others. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied, and he who undertakes to discourse of the one can never, in his own mind, lose sight of the other. Just as it may be shown that every form of salutation takes its origin either in some religious observance or in some curious medi- aeval ceremony, so it may also be shown that the simplest rules of etiquette are traceable, in their essence, to that unselfishness of na- ture, and that kindly consideration for others, which Ruskin, as we have just seen, defines as “fineness of nature,” and adduces as the touchstone of genuine breeding. To listen with patience, however prosy our entertainer may be; to smile at the thrice-told jest; to yield the best seat, or the choicest dish, or the most amusing volume, are acts, not of mere civility, but of kindness and unselfish- ness. So of every other prescribed rule of social conduct—so of that abstinence from in- terruption or contradiction in conversation; of that suppression of a yawn; of that cheerful countenance concealing inward anxiety or weariness; of those perpetual endeavors to please and to seem pleased, which end by be- coming a second nature to the really well- bred person. Marks of Vulgarity. Analyze each one of these acts, and it re- solves itself into a concession towards the feelings, the vanity, or the comfort of others. Its essence is unselfishness. Its animating spirit is forbearance. The proposition is demonstrable by a process of reversal. If goodness be the parent of politeness, is not badness the parent of vulgarity? Is not bad temper vulgar? Is not selfishness vulgar? Is not scandal vulgar? Are not greediness, egotism, inquisitiveness, prevarication, lying, and dishonesty, one and all, utterly vulgar? In a word, is not vice vulgar? If, then, we desire that our children shall be- come ladies and gentlemen, can we make them So, think you, by lavishing money upon for- eign professors, dancing masters, continental tours, tailors and dressmakers? Ah, no! good breeding is far less costly, and begins far earlier than those things. Let our lit- tle ones be nurtured in an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness from the nursery upwards; let them grow up in a home where a rude gesture or an ill-tempered word are alike unknown ; where between father and mother, master and servant, mistress and maid, friend and friend, parent and child, prevails the law of truth, of kindness, of con- sideration for others, and forgetfulness of self. 32 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. Can they carry into the world, whither we send them later, aught of coarseness, of un- truthfulness, of slatternliness, of vulgarity, if their home has been orderly, if their parents Have been refined, their servants well-man- nered, their friends and playmates kind and carefully trained as themselves? Do we want our boys to succeed in the world; our girls to be admired and loved; their tastes to be elegant; their language choice; their manners simple, charming, graceful; their friendships elevating? Then we must ourselves be what we would have our children to be, remembering the golden maxim, that good manners, like charity, must begin at home. Good manners are an immense social force. We should therefore spare no pains to teach our children what to do, and what to avoid doing, in their pathway through life. What Emerson says of Manners. “When we reflect,” says Emerson, “how manners recommend, prepare, and draw peo- ple together; how, in all clubs, manners make the members; how manners make the fortune of the ambitious youth; that, for the most part, his manners marry him, and, for the most part, he marries manners; when we think what keys they are, and to what Se- crets; what high lessons and inspiring tokens of character they convey; and what divina- tion is required in us for the reading of this fine telegraph, we see what range the subject has, and what relations to convenience, form and beauty.” Again the same writer says, “The maxim of courts is power. A calm and resolute bearing, a polished speech, an embellishment of trifles, and the art of hiding all uncomfort- able feelings, are essential to the courtier. Manners impress, as they indicate real power. A man who is sure of his point carries a broad and contented expression, which every- body reads; and you cannot rightly train to an air and 1manner, except by making him the kind of 1man of whom that manner is the natural expression. Nature for ever puts a premium on reality.” The manners of a gentleman are the index of his Soul. His speech is innocent, because his life is pure; his thoughts are direct, because his actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, because his blood, and his impulses, and his training, are gentle also. A true gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretence. He avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no attraction for him. He seeks no more to say civil things, than to do them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be strictly regulated by his means. His friends will be chosen for their good qualities and good manners; llis servants, for their truthfulness and honesty; his occupations, for their use- fulness, or their gracefulness, or their elevating tendencies, whether inoral, or mental, or political. And so we come round again to our first maxim ; that “good manners are the kindly fruit of a refined nature.” Personal Appearance. Young says: Nothing exceeds in ridicule, no doubt, A fool in fashion—but a fool that's out. The personal appearance is a matter of the first concern. We see what a 1man is before we see what he does or says. Buffon has remarked that a man's clothes are a part of the individual, and enter into our idea of the character. No man who is acquainted experimentally with the world, or who has reasoned upon the progress of feeling, can regard the 1matter of dress as an unim- portant consideration. So intimately are the impressions of the senses connected with the conclusions of the intellect, that though we may dread, it is impossible to respect, a THE LILY OF THE WALLEY. - | º | || || || | ||||| | | | | | | || | | º | |||||||| E. º H | *ill llllllllllllllllll º º | º PRETTY PHYLLIS AT THE GATE. º * | | | | |-- - | |- - THE TRUE GENTLEMAN. 33 person who dresses very negligently. The motion which is formed of the interior quali- ties is insensibly influenced by the exterior show. “We must speak to the eyes,” says Walpole, “if we wish to affect the mind.” The personal appearance is particularly important where women are concerned; for most of them make it a rule to judge of character by the first impression. Good dressing is as important in courtship as in cookery. The Livery of Good Society. In paying a visit or in seeking company, it is manifestly a compliment to be well- dressed, and an insult to be slovenly. But even in a casual encounter, and upon occa- sions where your habit can have no connection with the feelings and sentiments which you have towards those whom you meet, meat and careful dressing will bring great advantage to you. A negligent guise shows a 1man to be satisfied with his own resources, engrossed with his own notions and schemes, indifferent to the opinion of others, and not looking abroad for entertainment: to such a man no one feels encouraged to make any ad- vances. A finished dress indicates a man of the world, one who looks for, and habitually finds pleasure in society and conversation, and who is at all times ready to 1mingle in inter- course with those whom he meets; it is a kind of general offer of acquaintance, and proves a willingness to be spoken to. Dress is the livery of good society; and no one can get practice in his profession who does not wear the badge of his calling. Dress is a thing very significant of inward feeling, and very operative upon outward conduct. That courtier was in the right, who dated the commencement of the French Revolution from the day when a nobleman appeared at Versailles without buckles in his shoes. The early institutors of the Society of Friends displayed consummate wisdom in providing for the perpetual separation of their sect by the distinction of dress. Story of the Jackals. “A story,” says an eminent writer, “is never too old to tell, if it be made to sound new.” If this be true, I may be excused for narrating the following history:—In an In- dian jungle there once resided a tawny jackal, a member, as all those animals are, of a jackal club which met at night in the said jungle. It was the custom for the different subscribers to separate early in the evening on predatory excursions, and on one occasion the individual in question having dined very sparingly that day on a leg of horse, ventured, in hopes of a supper, within the precincts of a neighboring to W11. § It happened that while employed in the prowling distinctive of his kind, he fell into a sunken vat filled with indigo, and when he had contrived to struggle out again, discov- ered, by the light of the moon, that his coat had assumed a brilliant blue tinge. In vain he rolled himself on the grass, in vain rubbed his sides against the bushes of the jungle to which he shortly returned. The blue stuck to him, and So, with the acuteness for which jack- als are renowned, he determined to “stick to ” it. Shame indeed would have overcome him, ridicule have driven him to despair, when he rejoined his club, but for this resolution. That very morning he appeared among his kind, whisking his tail with glee and holding his head erect. A titter, of course, welcomed him, and, before long, you would have thought that every jackal present had been turned into a laughing hyena. Our hero was nothing abashed. “Gentlemen” said he, in the dialect of Hindustani peculiar to his kind, “I have been to town and bring you the last new fashion.” The laughter changed to respectful admiration. One by 3 34 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. one the members of the club stole up to him and inquired where he had met with the col- oring, just as George IV asked Brummell what tailor had made that coat. The address was imparted, and if on the following even- ing not all of the prowling beasts appeared in a blue coat, it was only because three of them had been drowned in the attempt to procure it. Fashion is called a despot; but if men, like the jackals and foxes, are willing, nay, eager to be its slaves, we cannot, and ought not, to upbraid fashion. Its adoption is, in short, nothing more than the confession that vanity makes of its own weakness. : The worst of it is, that the man who rebels against fashion, is even more open to the imputation of vanity than he who obeys it, because he makes himself conspicuous, and practically announces that he is wiser than his kind. There cannot be greater vulgarity than an affectation of superior simplicity. Between the two it is left to the man of Sense and modesty only to follow fashion so far as not to make himself peculiar by oppos- ing it. Attractive Simplicity. A prime requisite in dress is its simplicity, with which I may couple harmony of color. This simplicity is the only distinction which a man of taste should aspire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in appearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One should not be simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. Lord Castlereagh would never lave been pronounced the most distinguished man in the gay court of Vienna, because he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds decorated with a profusion of those vanities, lout because besides this he was dressed with taste. The charm of Brummell's dress was its simplicity; yet it cost him as much thought, time, and care, as the portfolio of a cabinet officer at Washington. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules of taste. All extravagance, all splendor, and all pro- fusion, must be avoided. The colors, in the first place, must harmonize both with our complexion and with one another; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair. All bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, sky-blue, and bright green. Perhaps only a successful California gold-digger would think of choosing such colors for his COat, Vest, or trousers; but there are hundreds of young men who might select them for their gloves and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, Somehow or other, more manly, and are certainly less striking. The same simplicity should be studied in the avoidance of orna- 1mentation. Appropriate Costume. You should dress according to your occu- pation and means. If you are a salesman, you would not think it appropriate to appear in the regulation garb of a bishop. Good Sense and good taste is the first rule, and about the only one to be considered. In the shifting climate of our country, gentlemen of late years, have very sensibly adopted the mode of dressing especially for comfort. They have to brave all kinds of weather, sometimes wade through mud and slush, sometimes face a summer shower or cyclone, and they find it more essential to be protected against these climatic changes than to appear in elegant costume. Their dress does not undergo so many modifications as that of ladies, and it is com- paratively easy for them to wear apparel that will be simple and serviceable, and at the same time in good taste. CHAPTER IV. Introductions and Salutations. E rules of society do not permit you to claim acquaintance with other per- sons until you have been properly introduced. Those who are travelling by railway or steamship may give themselves a certain latitude in forming acquaintances. Even this must be exercised with all due consideration, and must not be practiced to the point of rudeness. Letters of introduction are one of the common methods of establishing social rela- tions. The person who is not known to your friend can become known through your kind offices. In this way, very often, important service can be rendered, and if the introduc- tionshould prove acceptable and the acquaint- ance thus formed should ripen into friendship, you would not have occasion for regret. Persons who move into new localities, as from the city to the country, or from the country to the city, are frequently quite alone, and are fortunate if they can avail themselves of the assistance of some friend in forming the acquaintance of such persons in the neighborhood as they would be pleased to know. And you should consider that in conferring a benefit of this description, you are observing one of the rules of good society. Yet do not lightly give or promise let- ters of introduction. Always remember that when you give letters of introduction you lay yourself under an obligation to those friends to whom they may be addressed. If they live in any of the great cities, you in a measure compel them to undergo the pen- alty of escorting the strangers whom you in- troduce to some of those places of public en- tertainment in which the cities abound. In any case, you put your friends to the expense of inviting them to their table, and may be laying upon them an unpleasant burden. We cannot be too cautious how we tax the time and purse of a friend, or weigh too ser iously the question of mutual advantage in the introduction. Always ask yourself whether the person introduced will be an ac- ceptable acquaintance to the one to whom you present him; and whether the pleasure of knowing him will compensate for the time or money which it may cost to entertain him. If the stranger is in any way unsuitable in habits or temperament, you inflict an annoy- ance upon your friend instead of a pleasure. In questions of introduction, never oblige one friend to the discomfort of another. Letters of introduction are necessary in the country, particularly where new comers enter a new abode, and wish to enter the best society of the place. In the last case the in- habitants should call first, unless the new comer brings a letter of introduction, when he is the first to call. Instead, however, of going in, he sends his letter and card, and waits till this formal visit is returned. Never deliver a letter of introduction in person. It places you in the most undignified position imaginable, and compels you to wait while it is being read, like a footman. There is also another reason why you should not be yourself the bearer of your introduction: you compel those to whom you are introduced to receive you, whether they choose or not. It may be that they are sufficiently ill-bred to take no notice of the letter when seek; and 35 36 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. in such case, if you presented yourself with it, they would most probably receive you with rudeness. It is at all events more polite on your part to give then the option, and perhaps, more pleasant. If the receivers of the letter be really well-bred, they will call upon you or leave cards the next day, and you should return their attentions within the week. Attentions to be Shown to Strangers. If, on the other hand, a stranger sends you a letter of introduction, and his or her card (for the law of etiquette here holds good for both sexes), you are bound, not only to call next day, but to follow up that attention by others. If you are in a position to do so, the next correct proceeding is to send an invita- tion to dinner. Should this not be within your power, you can probably escort the stranger to some exhibition, concert, public building, museum, or other place likely to prove interesting to a foreigner or provincial visitor. In short, etiquette demands that you shall exert yourself to show kindness to the stranger, if only out of compliment to the friend who introduced him to you. If you invite strangers to dinner or tea, it is a better compliment to ask Some others, than to dine with them alone. You are thereby affording them an opportunity of making other acquaintances, and are assist- ing your friend in still further promoting the purpose for which he gave the introduc- tion to yourself. Be careful at the same time Only to ask such persons as you are quite sure are the stranger's own Social equals. What the Letter Should Contain. A letter of introduction must be carefully worded, stating clearly the name of the per- son introduced, but with as few personal remarks as possible. It suffices in most cases, to say that so-and-so is a friend of yours, whom you trust your other friend will receive with attention. In travelling, one cannot have too many letters of introduction. It is the custom in foreign towns for the new comer to call on the residents first, a hint that may prove acceptable to persons contem- plating a long or short residence abroad. A letter of introduction should be given unsealed, not only because your friend may wish to know what you have said, but also as a guarantee of your own good faith. As you should never give such a letter unless you can speak highly of the bearer, this rule of etiquette is easy to observe. By request- ing your friend to fasten the envelope before forwarding the letter to its destination, you tacitly give permission to inspect its contents. Let your note paper be of the best quality and of the proper size. Indiscriminate Introductions. Regarding introductions when persons chance to meet, the customs of this country are somewhat free. There are certain classes of persons who always introduce their friends to every body they meet, whether indoors or out, in places of business, or amusement, or after services in church. This custom is not by any means to be commended; and while you are at liberty to make persons ac- quainted with one another, you shotild exer- cise this liberty with the greatest caution. Care and discrimination should be made in making gentlemen acquainted with each other, and still greater care in the introduc- tion of gentlemen to ladies. It should be ungerstood always by you that the lady is to decide whether she desires the proposed acquaintance or not; if she has any objec- tion whatever to it, it is quite out of place for you to thrust it upon her. This is only a becoming respect which should always be shown to the gentler sex, for any true lady is especially guarded as to the acquaintances INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. 37 she forms and the gentlemen with whom she associates. Do not forget that in introducing one per- son to another, you assume a social responsi- bility for the person you introduce, and great care should be taken in giving this endorse- 1ment. It is possible for you to inflict a pos- itive injury by introducing a man of bad character to a lady. If you are not well in- formed in respect to the reputation of the one for whom you are about to become re- sponsible, pause and go no further. You should not be a party to the formation of any relations which are likely to have an in- jurious effect. The association with a man of doubtful character is disastrous to a lady's reputation, and it is not easy for her always to get rid of the new formed acquaintance, however much she may desire to do so. Consult, Your Friend. While it is not needful in every instance to ask the permission of a lady before mak- ing your friend acquainted with her, good sense will teach you that in very many in- stances this is desirable. There may be rea- sons quite unknown to you why she would not wish to make his acquaintance, and if there are such reasons, you should find them out if possible, and not compel her to receive one whose acquaintance is not acceptable. Ladies who have confidence in persons in- troducing others will seldom make any ob- jection; if however, such objection should exist, they are entitled to the benefit of it. It is not well ever to introduce a stranger into the household of a friend without first consulting him and ascertaining whether such introduction would be acceptable. The reasons for this are plain enough. A person may be very agreeable to you, may have that indefinable something about him by which a bond of sympathy and mutual un- derstanding is established, yet your friend is quite another individual, and if the one who is so pleasant to you were brought into relations with him, there might be friction from the very start. Especially would this be the case where a person who is dull and comparatively uneducated, whose stupidity is the most conspicuous trait, is thrust into the household of a gentleman of education and refinement, who recoils from all dullness, and is fitted to appreciate that which is bright and sparkling and attractive. Good Indorsement. If you find in the house of a friend a per- son whose manners are pleasing, whose con- versation is agreeable, whose acquaintance would be a Satisfaction to you, you are at liberty to assume that his presence in the house of your friend is a sufficient guarantee of his good name and reputation, and in this case you can, without hesitation, invite him to your own home. The fact that you meet him at the house of a friend is a guarantee that he is a proper person for you to know. Word the letter in a brief but careful form. Unless there are special circumstances in the case, merely state that the person introduced is a friend of yours, visiting town or country, as the case may be, and that you trust your friend will show him any attention in his power, and so forth. If the letter of introduction is of a business nature, the person named in it may take it to the individual to whom it is addressed. Ordinary letters of introduction should either be left at a house or sent by post; in either case they should be accompanied by the card of the person named in them. Having received a letter of introduction, give it immediate attention. Either write to the person introduced, or call on him, or leave a card, the next day; and he, on his part, should return your attentions within a week. The correct thing is to 38 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. invite the stranger to dinner, and in that case it is well to ask some of your friends to meet him, as this is giving him a further introduction to society. Where this is im- practicable, it may still be possible to show him some courtesy, such as inviting him to Gccompany you to the opera, or to a gallery, or a concert—anything choice or interesting; in which case you will of course Secure tickets beforehand for his acceptance. Should a person request you to give him a letter of introduction, and you do not feel that you would be justified in giving it, by all means refuse it. You can do so with kindness and firmness. Nothing should change your decision. As a rule a gentle- man should not give another gentleman a letter of introduction to a lady. There may be circumstances in which a departure from this rule is necessary. Guard Your Own Family. There is also a view of this matter which comes nearer home. The family of every man should be well guarded, and he should be especially careful in introducing strangers. You ought to have the utmost confidence in every individual brought within the sacred precincts of the household circle, for, other- wise, you may be placing the morals of your family in jeopardy, and great injury may be the result. There are certain forms of introduction which should always be observed, and will be attended to by every person who thoroughly understands the spirit and rules of etiquette. You should introduce a gentleman to a lady, an inferior to a superior, an ordinary person to a distinguished one, and a young man to an old one. You should be very careful to speak the names distinctly. If either person fails to understand the name of the other, he may ask it. When introducing a gentleman to a larly, the party making the presentation will say, bowing to each as the name is spoken, “Miss Belmont, allow me to introduce (or pre- sent) to you my friend, Mr. Taylor: Mr. Tay- lor, Miss Belmont.” A young lady may be introduced to a very old gentleman ; beauty thus paying a tribute to age. Forms To Be Observed. In presenting a company of several to one person, you should mention the name of the single person only once, but call the name of each of the others distinctly, bowing to each as his or her name is mentioned. Thus, “Mr. Anderson, allow me to introduce Mr. Barry, Mr. Phillips, Mr. Hathaway, Mr. Welch, Mr. Dean.” Always mention the name in introducing members of your family. Say, “My father, Mr. Simpson,” “My daughter, Miss Simp- son,” or “Miss Ellen Simpson.” Your wife should be introduced simply as “Mrs. Simp- Son.” In introducing persons with titles, the ti- tle should always be distinctly mentioned. Thus, you should say, in presenting a cler- gyman to a Senator of the United States, “Senator Vance, allow me to introduce to you my friend, the Reverend Doctor (if he is a Doctor of Divinity) Morton. Dr. Morton is the rector of St. Andrews Church, Wash- ington.” Then turning to Dr. Morton, you should say, “Senator Vance represents the State of North Carolina in the Senate of the United States.” Upon introducing stran- gers, it is well to add some pleasant remarks, which will serve to put them at their ease and start the conversation between them. It is proper upon being introduced to a person, to say, “I am happy to meet you, Mr. ;" or “I am glad to make your acquaintance.” If a lady, or a person in a superior position, wishes to know a gentleman or an inferior, you have a right to infer that the latter will not decline the honor. INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. 39 * The custom of shaking hands upon being introduced is the rule in this country. It is a matter of taste among gentlemen. If a hand is offered, it is rude to reject it. It should be accepted cordially. As a general thing, however, introductions should be ac- knowledged by a bow. A gentleman should always lift his hat in acknowledgment of an introduction to another gentleman, or to a lady on the street. A single lady should never give her hand to a gentleman in such a case; a married lady may do so without impropriety. Casual Meetings. Persons meeting at the houses of friends when making morning calls need not be in- troduced to each other, and certainly should not be, unless it is known that such intro- ductions will be mutually agreeable. Nor should persons who have accidentally met in this manner, without being intro- duced, bow or, in any way express recogni- tion should they afterwards meet. If, when walking in the street with a friend, you meet another, it is not necessary, in fact, it is improper, to introduce them. If, however, you meet a lady who evinces a desire to stop and speak, your friend should stop with you, and may be introduced in a formal manner; but such introduction does not warrant him in considering himself the lady's acquaintance. Relations, such as a sister, a son, or a brother, may be introduced to friends casu- ally met, without ceremony or hesitation. At an evening party it is the host's or hostess's duty to make their guests acquainted with each other. In England, this is dis- pensed with. Your name is announced as you enter the room. You bow to your host- ess and the company, and may then address any one in the company. In this country guests may properly introduce each other. Persons unfriendly to each other, meeting at the house of a friend, must treat each other with perfect courtesy, and give no sign of their quarrel. A person making a visit to your house should be introduced to every caller. In making introductions, act in a graceful and easy manner. It will serve to set your friends at ease. A gentleman should always promptly of fer his services to a lady in need of them, whether he knows her or not. He should approach her, raise his hat, bow, and ask permission to assist her. A true lady will al- ways accept such a proffer with frank cour- tesy. Her acceptance does not give the gentleman any claim to her acquaintance, nor oblige her to recognize him afterwards without a formal introduction. To ignore a person to whom you have been properly introduced is the height of ill- breeding. He may not be pleasant to you, but he has a claim upon your courtesy; and it is due to your own dignity that you should recognize it, and act towards him accord- ingly. Salutations. A well-bred person is at once known by his or her form of salutation. In meeting a friend upon the street, or in company, you should make your salutation quietly, but cordially and with dignity, always paying the highest respect to the person saluted. Always salute a lady by raising the hat and 1making a formal bow. In company, the head being uncovered, the bow alone is your salutation; but it should, in either case, be a decided inclination of the head and body, not a mere nod. In this country, among ladies, kissing is a common mode of Salutation, even on the street. Gentlemen generally shake hands, or in passing each other bow, or make a 4O FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE courteous motion of the hand. Even where you are not on good terms with a person, it is courteous to bow to him. Should he fail to return the bow the offence is his, and you nave lost nothing by your politeness. A gentleman in meeting a lady acquain- tance should remove his cigar from his mouth and hold it down by his side before raising his hat to her. Above all, never smoke while walking or riding with a lady. She may not object to it, but that does not pardon your rudeness. A young lady should treat an elderly per- son, either man or woman, with the same deference she expects at the hands of a gentleman. The lady should bow first in meeting a gentleman on the street. It is her privilege to do so, as she thus shows whether she de- sires to continue his acquaintance or not. A failure on her part to bow first excuses the gentleman from saluting her. Among very intimate friends either party may salute first. In riding, a gentleman raises his hat with His right hand, as the left is occupied with the reins. When two or more gentlemen, walking on the street, meet a lady who is known to one only, all should raise their hats and bow. Those unacquainted with the lady thus show their respect for their friend's friend. In shaking hands do not give your hand coldly or listlessly. Shake hands with a warm, cordial grasp. A failure to do so is bad manners, and will disgust the other per- Son. Never give a single finger, or two fin- gers. Give the whole hand, whenever you offer it. The right hand should always be offered unless disabled. Where both parties wear gloves, it is not necessary to remove them. Where one only is gloved, and the removal would cause an awkward pause, offer the hand promptly, with the remark, “Excuse my glove.” Kid gloves are not expected to be removed, as the operation requires too much time. A gentleman should not bow from a win- dow to a lady in the street. A lady may do So to a gentleman, in which case he must return her bow. Avoid nicknames in Salutations. Address a person either by his title, or by his or her Christian name. In speaking to your wife in company or in public, address her as “Mrs. .” The wife should likewise address her husband as “Mr. .” To style each other “My dear,” “My darling,” “My beloved,” or “My duck,” in public, is simply to become ridiculous. Do not address each other by the Christian name in such cases; nor by the initial letter, as “Mr. P.,” “Mrs. C.” Use the full name with the prefix “Mr.,” “Mrs.” CHAPTER V. Calls and Visits. T IS one of the exacting rules of good society that calls shall be made upon your acquaintances and friends. Per- sons must do this who expect to maintain with one another social relations, and this is a rule which is observed in all enlightened countries and in all grades of society. The call and visit are fashionable. There is a class of people who have a great many dis- paraging remarks to make concerning fash- ionable society, and appear to think that an excessive merit belongs to themselves be- cause they are not fashionable people. Very likely they cannot be fashionable, not hav- ing the education, or the social position, or the breeding required. It is not with any good grace that such persons declaim against fashionable society. Empty, fashionable so- ciety is weak, uninteresting, and only to be despised; but good, cultured Society, main- taining its dignity by certain rules and cus- toms which are convenient and serviceable, is the best society in the world. It does not follow that everything is empty and vain because a certain fashion goes with it. Why not go contrary to all customs, and, when men generally have their hair cut short, wear yours down on your shoul- ders? And when men dress according to civilized society, why not go about in the garb of a wild Indian? When ladies wear very sensible, short dresses in the street, why not come out with a train three yards long, and turn yourself into a street-sweeper? There may be silly fashions; these you do not need to follow. This work commends good, sensible social customs which make for the peace and enjoyment of society. One of these customs is that of calling and visit- ing. A lady is under an obligation to call on all her female acquaintances at stated times. These calls are formal in their nature, and are generally short. The conversation is devoted to Society news, the gossip of the day and kindred subjects. In the large cities of the Eastern States, such calls are made from eleven in the morning until three o'clock in the afternoon. In other parts of the country, where the dinner hour is in the middle of the day or early in the afternoon, they are generally made from nine to twelve o'clock, and are termed morning calls, as “morning ” is supposed to mean any time before dinner. Make Your Call Brief. The morning call should be brief. From ten to twenty minutes is usually sufficient. It should never be prolonged over half an hour. A lady, in making a formal call, should never lay aside her bonnet or shawl, as if she intended to spend the day. A gentleman making a morning call milst retain his hat in his hand. His umbrella may be left in the hall, but not his cane. Should a gentleman accompany a lady on a morning call, he must assist her up the steps to the door of the house, ring the bell, and follow her into the reception-room. He must wait patiently until the lady rises to take leave, and accompany her. Avoid subjects calculated to lead to a pro- longed conversation. Time your visit pro- 4 I 42 FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE perly, and do not take out your watch and say it is time to go. Rise quietly, and take your leave with a few pleasant remarks. A lady engaged upon fancy work of any kind is not obliged to lay it aside in receiving the call of an intimate acquaintance. In formal calls a lady should devote herself entirely to her guests. Should a lady visitor take her leave, a gentleman, if present, should rise, and offer to conduct her to her carriage. The offer will not often be accepted, but if it is, do not forget to return and pay your respects to your hostess before quitting the house. Should other callers be announced during your visit, wait until the bustle attending their entrance is over. Then rise quietly and take your leave, bowing to the new-comers. Your hostess is not obliged to introduce you to her other visitors, and you should take no offence at her failure to do so. Do not make it appear that your departure is on account of the 11ew arrivals. When a call is ended it is customary among the best bred people to ring for a servant to open the front door for a visitor. Some persons prefer to attend visitors to the door themselves; and this should be done if a servant is not called upon. It is not court- eous to let a visitor find his or her way out of your house unattended. In making a call, if the 1ady called upon is fiot at home, leave your card ; and if there are several ladies staying there whom you desire to see, request the servant to present your compliments to them severally. Should you not have a card, leave your name with the servant. Rules for Gentlemen. The circumstances under which gentlemen may make formal morning calls are limited. They may do so to express congratulations, sympathy, or condolence; to pay their re- spects to a friend who has just returned from a foreign country or a protracted visit; or to pay their respects to ladies who have ac- cepted their escort to parties or places of amusement. In the last mentioned instance the call should not be delayed more than a day. A gentleman may call upon an ac- quaintance to whom he has presented letters of introduction, or to return thanks for some favor received. There are other cases which must be governed by circumstances and the good sense of the person. Congratulations. You may make visits of congratulation upon the occurrence of any happy or for- tunate event in the family of a friend—such as a marriage, a birth, or the inheritance of wealth. Such visits should be made in the morning. You should not defer a visit of condolence beyond the next week after a death occurs in a family. Among friends such visits are re- garded as an imperative duty, except where contagious diseases render them dangerous. Ladies should make their morning calls in simple toilette, and not in very rich dresses. Gentlemen wear morning dress. In calling upon a person living or staying temporarily at a hotel, wait in the parlor and send up your card. Even intimate friends should observe this rule. Gentlemen may wait in the office or hall of the hotel while the waiter takes up their card. In going abroad, or on a long journey, you should either call in person upon all your friends or send cards, with the initials P. P. C. marked in the corner. These stand for “Pour Prendre Conge,” and mean “To Take Leave.” Some write the English words out in full. Upon returning home your friends must first call upon you. You may with propriety drop the acquaintance of those who neglect to do so. CALLS AND VISITS. 43 You should not make a visit of friendship unless you have a formal or a general invita- tion. To drop in upon your friends at all times is to render yourself a bore. Never solicit an invitation, either by word or act. Wait until you are asked, and your presence will be doubly welcome. Visits of Friendship. Visits of friendship are conducted by no particular rules of etiquette, as it is to be pre- sumed that intimate friends, or relatives, un- derstand each other's tastes and peculiarities, and will conduct themselves in a manner mutually agreeable. Such visits may occa- sionally be made under misapprehension, be- cause there are many people in the world who are extremely fond of visiting and will often persuade themselves that their society is coveted, when in fact they are not partic- ularly welcome. Persons of any degree of sagacity can easily distinguish the free and Hearty welcome from the polite and easy grace which duty makes imperative. With intimate friends all strict ceremony can be dispensed with, but yet there are cer- tain liberties which you may enjoy at home, that are not exactly proper to take in the House of a friend or relative. Criticising the conduct of servants, or children, or the acts of any member of the household, or the do- mestic management generally, is in very bad taste, though it may be done with the ut- most good nature. No well-bred persons will ever make remarks of any kind upon the habits, faults or foibles of a family where they are paying a visit of friendship; and to drop these remarks after they have left only shows that they were not deserving the con- fidence and attentions they received. In such visits you should strictly apply the rule to do nothing by act, word or deed that may cause a disagreeable feeling on the part of your entertainer; which rule, as we have before explained, is the fundamental prin- ciple of gentility. Avoid all ungraceful or awkward positions and all lounging in making calls. Sit up- right at ease, and be graceful and dignified in your manners. Do not handle any of the table ornaments in the room in which you are received. They may be admired but not handled. Evening Calls. Where a lady has appointed a certain even- ing for receiving calls, it is best to call then, and not at other times. Formal calls may be made in the evening, but never earlier than nine o'clock, and should not be prolonged later than ten o’clock. In Imaking such a call a gentleman should carry his hat, gloves, and cane with him into the parlor and hold them in his hands, unless requested by the hostess to lay them aside and spend the evening. In making an informal evening call a lady may take a gentleman with her. She pre- sents him to the hostess, who introduces him to the other guests, if there are any present. A gentleman in making an informal evening call may leave his hat, cane, etc., in the hall, and a lady may lay aside her bonnet and wraps. The mistress of the house usually receives the visitors. At evening parties she will be assisted by her husband or some other gen- tleman. The reception should be performed in an easy, quiet and self-possessed manner, and without unnecessary ceremony. It is customary in Some places to announce the names of guests as they enter the room. The host or hostess may then present them to other guests to whom they may be stran- gers. When any one enters the room, whether announced or not, the host or hostess should 44 FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE rise at once, advance toward him, welcome him, and request him to be seated. If it is a young man, offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly man, insist upon his accepting the arm-chair; if a lady, beg lier to be seated upon the sofa. If the master of the house receives the visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance from them ; if, on the contrary, it is the mis- tress, and if she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself near her. Tokens of Respect. If several ladies come at once, we give the most honorable place to the one who, from age or other considerations is most entitled to respect. In winter the most honorable places are those at the corners of the fire- place, if you have a fire in it. If the visitor is a stranger, when the master or mistress of the house rises, any person who may be already in the room should do the same, unless the company is a large one. When any of the company withdraw, the master or mistress of the house should conduct them as far as the door. But whoever the person may be who departs, if we have other com- pany, we may dispense with conducting them farther than the door of the room. Upon arriving at a house where you wish to pay an evening call, should you find a small party assembled there, present yourself precisely as though you had been invited. After a short while you may take your leave, explaining that you only intended to make a brief call. A gentleman should not seat himself on the sofa beside his lostess unless invited to do so. s It is vulgar to make a display of wealth in calling upon persons in reduced circum- Stan CeS. New-comers into a neighborhood should not make the first calls. A lady should not call upon a gentleman unless on business. In making a formal call a gentleman should not sit with his legs crossed. Do not prolong an evening visit. It is apt to become tiresome even to your most inti- mate friends. Should your friend have a guest on a visit to her, call as soon as possible. Such calls should be returned without delay. Should you find a lady on the point of going out when you make your call, make it as brief as possible in order to leave her at liberty to carry out her plans. When you have risen to go, do not delay your departure. When you are prevented from attending a dinner party, or Secial gathering, call upon the person giving it without delay, and ex- press your regret for your absence. In the country calls are more prolonged and less formal than in the city. Protracted VisitS. With regard to visits of a day or more it is the universal custom in England, and is gradually coming into vogue in this country, to invite your friend to visit you for a speci- fied length of time. This enables your guest to know that he is not inconveniencing you by remaining too long, and allows you to make arrangements for the entertainment of other friends. This is a most sensible cus- tom, and cannot be too highly commended. In visiting a city where a friend resides it is best to go to a hotel, although you may have a general invitation from your friend to 1make his house your home. You can make a call upon him as Soon as you please, and should he then urge you to accept his hospi- tality you may do so with propriety. You should always write to inform even a relative or most intimate friend of your in- CALLS AND VISITS. 45 tended visit and the probable time of your arrival. You should answer a written invitation to visit a friend, as promptly as possible, and state the time when you may be expected. Where no time is specified by your host or hostess as to the duration of your visit, you should not prolong it over a week. A shorter time is better. You should take an early occasion of stating how long you ex- pect to remain. Attentions due to Your Host. Conform your habits to those of the family in which you are visiting; give no trouble that can be avoided ; and accept the hospitality offered you heartily and with well-bred grace. You should make arrangements for having your washing done at your own expense in making a long visit. Remember, that to ask your hostess to have it done by her servants is to increase their labor, and to render them dissatisfied. A lady visiting in a family should not re- ceive the attentions of a gentleman who is objectionable to her host or hostess. Neither should she receive too many calls from gen- tlemen. Do not invite a friend who may call upon you to remain to a meal. Such an invitation must come from the host or hostess. A lady should decline an invitation to a dinner or party, which does not include her hostess. A gentleman inviting a lady visit- ing in a family to accompany him to a place of amusement, or upon an excursion, should include the younger ladies of the family in his invitation. They may decline or not, accord- ing to circumstances. When a friend informs you of his or her intended visit, and the probable time of their arrival, you should have their room ready for their reception. It should be well warmed in cold weather, cooled and aired in summer, and provided with all the ordinary conven- iences of the toilette, and any other articles that may minister to the comfort of your guest. Entertaining the Guest. When you expect a lady guest, some male member of the family should meet her at the cars, steamer, or other place of arrival in your city or neighborhood. He should look after her baggage, and make such arrange- ments as will enable her to reach your house quickly and with comfort. Without breaking up the regular routine of your household or business, you should arrange your affairs so as to devote the most time to your guest. You should arrange re- ceptions, entertainments, and excursions of various kinds, if possible, and should always show her the places and things of note in your vicinity. You should do all this unob- trusively and make your guest feel that it is a pleasure to you to thus increase her enjoy- 1ment of her visit. Upon the departure of your guest, accom- pany him or her to the cars or boat, and remain until the conveyance has begun the journey, taking leave of your guest with cordiality. A true lady or gentleman will always treat with kindness and courtesy the servants of the family in which they may be visiting. In taking leave, you may, if you wish, remen- ber them by some gratuity. Do not unduly praise other places at which you may have visited. Your hostess may think you wish to contrast her establishment with the one so praised, to her disadvantage. You may with propriety make simple presents to the children of the family. Costly or lavish gifts place your entertainers under an obligation which they may not be able to 46 FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE return, and therefore would not desire to in- CU11ſ. Do not outdress the members of the family in which you are a guest, especially in at- tending an entertainment or place of amuse- ment with them. Enter heartily into the plans that are Imade for your entertainment or amusement. You should never permit your host or hostess to feel that he or she has disappointed you in their efforts to add to your enjoyment. Upon returning home after a visit, write immediately to your host or hostess, an- nouncing your safe arrival; and be careful to send kind messages to each member of the family, mentioning all by name. Visiting Cards. In the selection of cards great taste should be exercised. The material should be a thin, fine board of paper. The size and shape are regulated by the prevailing fashion. The color should always be pure white. Tinted or colored cards are an abomination. A gentleman's card should bear only his name and address. A lady's card should have the word “Mrs.” or “Miss” prefixed to her name. The eldest unmarried daughter of a family should have her card read simply “Miss Newton,” not “Miss Lilian Newton.” The younger sisters, if unmarried, should have their Christian names on their cards. Professional titles may appear upon the card, as “Thomas Thomas, M. D.,” or “Doctor Thomas Thomas,” “Rev. Tobias Pounder,” or “Rev. Tobias Pounder, D. D.” In England a gentleman without a title pre- fixes “Mr.” to his name, as “Mr. Edward Holland.” In the United States this practice varies, but the best etiquette unquestionably demands the prefix “Mr.” A card left for you during your illness should be answered by a call as soon as your recovery will permit. Should you send a card to a person who is ill, the bearer should always make a ver- bal inquiry as to your friend's condition of 11ealth. The most perfectly tasteful card is an ens graved one. The printed card comes next; then the written card. The fashion as to letters changes, but a plain script or old Eng- lish text, well engraved, is always neat and in good taste. In making calls upon an intimate friend it is not necessary to send your card in. The simple announcement of your name is suffi- cient. The use of a card always has an air of formality about it. Where persons are on cordial terms, and are visiting back and forth frequently, a card can very well be dispensed with. It should be remembered that a card with your address is a very handy way of making known your place of residence. Persons will sometimes want this, and if they have it printed and right before their eyes, there cannot be any mistake about it. Always be supplied with cards. CHAPTER VI. Evening Parties. evening gatherings, sometimes of a private, and sometimes of a public, character. Enough has been said to guard light-headed persons against making fashion the end and aim of life; they do not need to make this the all-absorbing topic of con- versation, nor the object toward which all their energies are bent. Yet it is true that in all ages, and among all nations, Social ob- servances and gatherings have occupied an important place. This has always been true of our own country, although it may be said that elab- orate entertainments, involving a great amount of dress and expense, have not been so common with us as in older countries. Having no aristocracy of blood or wealth, we form our own aristocracy of education, refinement and good society. To be able to appear well upon social occasions, such as evening balls and parties, is considered an accomplishment, and no one who does not possess it, is entitled to the distinguished consideration of persons who indulge in fashionable pleasures. E)”. SOCIETY has always had its It is in the party or ball-room that society is on its very best behavior. Everything there is regulated according to the strict code of good breeding; and as any departure from this code becomes a grave offence, it is indispensable that the etiquette of the ball- room be thoroughly mastered. | Balls are of two kinds, public and private. The etiquette of public balls is almost identical with that of private assemblies of the same kind, and it will be sufficient to observe here, that those attending them should, if possible, form their own parties beforehand. Ladies, especially, will find the comfort and advantage of this. The rule as to giving private balls or par- ties is this: that ball-goers should make one return during the season. In giving this, you may imitate the vulgar among the higher classes, and have a “crush,” as it is called; but it is in far better taste to restrict the number of invitations, so that all the guests may be fairly accom- modated. The invitations should, however, be slightly in excess of the number counted on, as it is rare, indeed, that everyone accepts. One-third more than the room will hold Imay generally be asked with safety. It is desirable to secure the attendance of an equal number of dancers of both sexes; but experience shows that to do this it is neces- sary to invite more gentlemen than ladies. It is the lady of the house who gives a party or ball. The invitations should be in her name, and the replies addressed to her. The invitations may be sent out three weeks before the time; but a fortnight is sufficient; a less time is not according to eti- quette. Printed forms of invitation may be ob- tained at every stationer's; but it is better that they should be written. In that case use small note-paper, white, and of the very best quality; let the envelopes be also thick and good. This form of invitation may be used. It 47 48 FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE has the merit of brevity and simplicity, two very desirable qualities in an invitation: “THURSDAY, February 5th. “Mr.S. requests the pleasure of Mr. 's company at an Evening Party, Thurs- day, February 26th. “An answer will oblige. “Dancing.” This is the simplest, and, therefore, the most desirable form of invitation. To this an answer should be returned within a day or two, and it may assume the following form, which also has the merit of brevity: “SATURDAY, February 7/h. “Mr. has much pleasure in accepting Mrs. 's polite invitation for Thursday evening, the 26th inst.” Short or verbal invitations should never be given, even among relations and intimate friends; it is discourteous, as implying that they are of no importance, and is excessively vulgar. It may be mentioned here, that married ladies are usually attended by their hus- bands; but the rule is not necessarily ob- served. Unmarried ladies should be accom- panied by their mothers, or may be under the care of a chaperon, a married sister, or an elderly lady friend. Attractive Decorations. As to the ball-room —When there is a choice of rooms, one which is light, lofty, and well ventilated, should be selected, if its size and proportions adapt it for dancing pur- poses. A square room is better than one which is long and narrow, but a medium be- tween these extremes is best. Above all, a pall-room should be well lighted, and have a gay or exhilarating appearance; the decora- tions should be light, the window curtains of a like description, and flowers and shrubs may be introduced with advantage. | A good floor is essential to the enjoyment of dancing; when the carpet is taken up, care should be used that no roughness of sur- face is presented. Some ladies have their dancing-floors carefully polished with bees- wax and a brush. A crumb-cloth or linen diaper, thoroughly well stretched over a car- pet, is the next best thing to a polished floor. The question of music is important. If it is a large ball, four musicians is the least number that should be engaged—piano, cor- net or flute, violin, and violoncello. In Small assemblies the violin and piano are sufficient. When the piano alone is used, however limited the number of guests, the hostess should secure the attendance of a pro- fessional pianist, because the guests ought not to be left to the mercy of those who hap- pen to be present and can be prevailed on to play, while it often happens that those who oblige out of courtesy would prefer taking part in the dance. The place occupied by the orchestra is un- derstood to be the top of the room, but it is not always convenient to adhere strictly to this rule in a private room, but it is gen- erally the end farthest from the door. The point should be ascertained by the dancers, as, in quadrilles, the top couples lead off, and uncertainty leads to confusion. The Refreshment Room. Refreshments must, of course, be provided for the guests during the evening; and, as nothing should be handed round in the ball- room, a refreshment room is absolutely neces- Sary. The refreshment room should, if possible, be on the same floor as the ball-room, be- cause it is not only inconvenient, but dan- gerous, for ladies heated by the dance to encounter the draught of the staircases, while it is most destructive to their dresses. Provide in the refreshment room, lemon- - - - º Z/ º º º | (ſ - | º º º º - \ | - HOUSEHOLD PETS. A MERRY CHILD. Oh, never yet rang laughter So sweet in gladdened ears Through wall and floor and raſter As all this household hears, And rings response thereafter Till cloudiest weather clears. The dawn was not more cheerless, With neither light nor dew, Than we without the fearless Clear laugh that thrills us through : If ever child stood peerless, Love knows that child is you. EVENING PARTIES. 49 ade, tea and coffee, ices, biscuits, wafers, cakes and cracker bon-bons. Some persons will also add wine to the list. Supper should be laid in a separate room. What it should comprise must dependentirely on the taste and resources of those who give the ball. To order it in from a good con- fectioner is the simplest plan, but is apt to prove somewhat expensive. If provided at home, let it be done on a liberal, but not vulgarly profuse scale. Substantial fare, such as fowls, ham, tongue, turkey, etc., are absolutely necessary. Jellies, blanc-mange, trifle, light-cake, etc., may be added at dis- cretion. The French fashion of giving hot soup is coming in, and is very pleasant: the lighter kinds of soup—such as Julienne, gravy, and vermicelli—are most suitable. Nothing upon the table should require carving; the fowls, pheasants, turkeys and other birds, should be cut up beforehand, and held together by ribbons, which only require severing. Whatever can be iced should be served in that way. A lady should drink very little wine, and certainly not more than one glass of cham- pagne; it also bellooves a gentleman to be careful in this respect, as nothing is more odious or contrary to the usages of modern society than any appearance of excess in this particular. The supper-room is opened about mid- night, and is not closed till the end of the party. y The Dressing Room. A cloak-room for the ladies must be pro- vided, and one or two maids to receive shawls or cloaks, which they will place so that they may be easy of access, and to render any assistance in the way of arrang- ing hair or dress, repairing a torn dress, or any office of that kind. In this room there should be several looking-glasses, with a supply of hair-pins, needles, thread, pins, and such articles as may be needed in a lady's toilette. A hat room for gentlemen must not be forgotten; and it is best to provide checks, both for articles belonging to ladies and gentlemen left in charge of the attendants. Where checks cannot be had, tickets nuin- bered in duplicate may be used—one being given to the lady or gentleman, and the other pinned to the coat or cloak. By this Illeans the property of each guest is identified, and confusion at the time of departure is pre- vented. The Lady’s Toilette. Fashion is so capricious and so imperative in the Imatter of dress, that it is difficult to give advice or instruction of permanent value upon the best mode of dressing. Still there are laws by which even fashion is reg- ulated and controlled. There are certain principles in dress, approved by good taste and common-sense, which cannot be out- raged with impunity. A lady, in dressing for a ball, has first to consider the delicate question of age ; and next, that of her position, whether married or single. As everything about a ball-room should be light, gay, and the reverse of de- pressing, it is permitted to elderly ladies, who do not dance, to assume a lighter and more effective style of dress than would be proper at the dinner-table, concert, or opera. Rich brocades, if not sombre in hue, and a some- what profuse display of good jewelry, are permissible. The toilette of the married and unmarried lady, however youthful the former, should be distinctly and tastefully marked. Silk dresses are, as a rule, objectionable for those who dance; but the married lady may ap- pear in a moire of light tint, or even in a white silk, if properly trimmed with tulle and 4 5O FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE flowers. Flowers or jewels may be worn in the hair. In some places small feathers are worn. Jewelry should be sparingly dis- played. Young unmarried ladies should wear dresses of light material—the lighter the better. Tarlatane, gauze, tulle, the finest 1muslin, lace, and all similar fabrics are avail- able. Such dresses should be worn over a silk slip, or under-dress. There is no restriction as to colors, except that they should be chosen with reference to the wearer. Thus a blonde appears to most advantage in delicate hues, such as light blue and pink, mauve, white, and like shades. Arsenic green should be avoided, as injurious to health. The brunette should, on the con- trary, select rich and brilliant colors. Flowers are the proper ornaments for the lead and dress. The French ladies select them with reference to the season ; but this is not insisted on in this country, and sum- mer flowers may be worn at Christmas. Ladies in deep mourning should not dance, even if they permit themselves to attend a ball. Should they do so, black and scarlet or violet is the proper wear. Where the mourning is sufficiently slight for dancing to be seemly, white, with mauve, violet or black trimmings, flounces, etc., is proper. Gloves and Shoes. White gloves befit the ball-room ; in mourning they may be sewn with black. They should be faultless as to fit, and never be removed from the hands in the ball- room. It is well for those who dance to be provided with a second pair, to replace the others when soiled, or in case they should split, or the buttons should come off—acci- dents small in themselves, but sources of great discomfort. As in the promenade, so in the ball-room, boots have greatly superseded the use of shoes; these are of kid, satin, or silk, either white or matching the dress in color. With the tendency to revive the fashions of the Em- pire in France, shoes, then worn, are reap- pearing. a' All the accessories of the toilette—gloves, shoes, flowers, fans, and the opera cloak— should be fresh and new. Inattention in this matter spoils the effect of the most impres- sive toilette. How Gentlemen Should Dress. The attire in which alone agentleman can present himself in a ball-room is so rigorous- ly defined, and admits of so little variety, that it can be described in a few words. He must wear a black dress coat, black trousers, and a black waistcoat; a white necktie, white kid gloves, and patent leather boots. This is imperative. The ball-suit should be of the very best cloth, new and glossy, and of the latest style as to cut. The waistcoat may be low, so as to disclose an ample shirt-front, fine and delicately plaited; it is better not embroidered, but small gold studs may be used with effect. White waist- coats have not “come in,’’ as they were ex- pected to do. The necktie should be of a washing texture, not silk, and not set off with embroidery. Gloves, white, not straw- color or lavender. º Excess of jewelry is to be avoided: simple studs, gold solitaire sleeve-links, may be used, and a watch-chain, massive, and with the usual charms and appendages. Perfumes should be avoided as effeminate; if used at all, for the handkerchief, they should be of the very best and most delicate character, or they may give offence, as per- sons often entertain strong aversions to pecu- liar scents. At balls of a public character the “ party,” of whatever number it may consist, enters EVENING PARTIES. 51 the room unobtrusively, the gentlemen con- ducting the ladies to convenient seats. In a private party or ball, the lady of the house will linger near the door by which her guests enter (at least till supper time, or till all have arrived), in order to receive them with a smile, an inclination of the head, a passing remark, or a grasp of the hand, ac- cording to degrees of intimacy. The master of the house and the sons should not be far distant, so as to be able to introduce to the lady any of his or their friends on their arrival. It is not necessary that the daughters should assist in the cere- mony of reception. Announcing the Guests. Guests are announced by name at a private ball in Europe, and in some places in this country this rule is observed; but this is entirely a matter regulated by the custom of the place. As they reach the door of the ball- room, the servant calls out, “Mr. and Mrs. ; ” “Mr. Theodore ; ” “the Misses ) ) On entering the ball-room, they at once proceed to pay their respects to the lady of the house, and may then acknowledge the presence of such friends as they find around them. At public balls a programme of dancing is given to the guests on their arrival; and this example should be followed in anything more than a mere “carpet-dance.” The dances should, in any case, be arranged beforehand, and it is convenient and inexpen- sive to have them printed on cards of small and convenient size, the numbered dances on one side, and numbered lines for engagements on the other. A better plan is to have a card folding in the middle, thus giving two pages, with dances on one page, and spaces for en- gagements on the opposite one. These shut together, and prevent pencil-marks being rubbed off. A pencil should be attached by a ribbon ; but gentlemen should make a memorandum always to provide themselves with a small gold or silver pencil-case when going to a ball, so that they may be pre- pared to write down engagements. A pretty idea has been sometimes carried out at balls—it is that of having the order of dancing printed on small white paper fans, large enough for practical use, one being given to every lady on her arrival. The motion is charming, and the expense not great. From eighteen to twenty-one dances is a convenient number to arrange for; supper causes a convenient break after, say, the twelfth dance, and if, at the end of the ball- list, there is still a desire to prolong the ball, one or two extra dances are easily improvised. A ball should commence with a march, followed by a quadrille, after which a waltz should succeed. Then follow quadrilles and waltzes, including galops, arranged as those having charge of the ball may think best. Formerly at public balls a Master of the Ceremonies was considered indispensable; but this custom is almost obsolete, the man- agement of the ball being in the hands of a committee, who are distinguished by rosettes, ribbons in the button-hole. These superin- tend the dances, and gentlemen desiring to dance with ladies apply to them for intro- ductions. Introductions. In private balls introductions are effected through the lady of the house, or other inem- bers of the family. Where there are daughters, they fitly exert themselves in arranging sets, giving introductions, etc.—never dancing themselves until all the other ladies present have partners. No gentleman should ask a lady to dance with him until he has received an introduc 52 r0LES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. tion to her. This may be given through members of the family giving the ball, or the lady's chaperon, or one intimate friend may ask permission to introduce another. The usual form of asking a lady to dance is: “May I have the pleasure of dancing this quadrille with you?” Where there is great intimacy: “Will you dance?” may suffice. To accept is easy enough—“Thank you,” is sufficient; to decline with delicacy, and without giving offence, is 1more difficult— “Thank you: I am engaged,” suffices when that expresses the fact—when it does not, and a lady would rather not dance with the gentleman applying to her, she must beg to pe excused, as politely as possible, and it is in better taste for her not to dance at all in that Set. The slightest excuse should suffice, as it is ungentlemanly to force or press a lady to dance. Attentions to Ladies. Ladies should take especial care not to accept two partners for the same dance; nor should a gentleman ask a lady to dance with Him more than twice during the same even- ing; if he is intimate with a lady, he may dance with her three, or even four, times. Do not forget to ask the daughters of the House. When a lady has accepted, the gentleman offers her his right arm, and leads her to her place on the floor. A slight knowledge of the figure is suffi- cient to enable agentleman to move through a quadrille, if he is easy and unembarrassed, and his manners are courteous; but to ask a lady to join you in a waltz, or other round dance, in which you are not thoroughly pro- ficient, is an unpardonable offence. It is not in good taste for gentlemen who do not dance to accept invitations to balls; but it is only the vulgar who, with a knowlege of dancing, hang about the doors and decline to join in the amusement. It is not necessary to bow to a lady at the end of a quadrille—in fact, anything like formality is now discountenanced; it is enough that you again offer her your right arm, and walk half round the room with her. You should inquire if she will take refresh- Iments, and if she replies in the affirmative, you will conduct her to the room devoted to that purpose—where it is good taste on the part of the lady not to detain her cavalier too long, as he will be anxious to attend to his next engagement, and cannot return to the ball-room until she is pleased to be escorted thither, that he may resign her to her chap- eron or friends, or to the partner who claims her promise for the 11ext dance. f Taking Supper. The gentleman who dances with a lady in the last dance before supper, conducts that lady to the supper-room, attends on her while there, and escorts herback to the ball-room. At a private ball, the lady of the house may ask a gentleman to take a lady down to supper, and he is bound to comply, and to treat her with the utmost delicacy and attention. In either case a gentleman will not sup with the ladies, but stand by and attend to them, permitting himself a glass of wine with them ; but taking a subsequent opportunity to secure his own refreshment. It is vulgar either to eat or drink to excess at a ball-supper. It is not well to dance every dance, as the exercise is unpleasantly heating and fatiguing. Never forget an engagement—it is an offence that does not admit of excuse, except when a lady commits it; and then a gentleman is bound to take her at her word without a murmur. It is not the mode for married persons to dance together. Engaged persons EVENING PARTIES. - - 53 should not dance together too often ; it is in bad taste. Entertaining Conversation. Gentlemen should endeavor to entertain the ladies who dance with them with a little conversation, or something more novel than the weather and the heat of the room; and in round dances they should be particularly careful to guard them from collisions, and to see that their dresses are not torn. Assemblies of this kind should be left quietly. If the party is small, it is permis- sible to bow to the hostess; but at a large ball this is not necessary, unless indeed you meet her on your way from the room. The great thing is to avoid making your departure felt as a suggestion for break- ing up the party; as you have no right to nint by your movements that you consider the entertainment has been kept up long enough. Finally, let no gentleman presume on a ball-room introduction. It is given with a view to one dance only, and will certainly not warrant a gentleman in going further than asking a lady to dance a second time. Out of the ball-room such an introduction has no force whatever. If those who have danced together meet next day in the street, or the park, the gentle- man must not venture to bow, unless the lady chooses to favor him with some mark of her recognition. If he does, he must not expect any acknowledgment of his salutation. After a private ball it is etiquette to call at the house during the following week. A gentleman attending a private ball un- attended will first ask one of the ladies of the house to dance with him. If she is unable to do so, she will introduce him to an agree- able partner. A gentleman will dance first with the lady he accompanies to the ball, but will not dance with her too often. Do not engage in any long or confidential conversations in the ball-room. Do not wait until the music has com- menced before selecting your partner. Lead her to her place in time to commence with the other dancers. A lady should never leave a ball-room unattended. A gentleman seeing a lady with whom he is acquainted desirous of doing so, should promptly offer to escort her, and the lady, on her part, should accept the proffered escort as frankly as it is tendered, but should be careful not to keep the gentle- man too long away from the ball-room. French Terms Used in Dancing. A knowledge of the French terms used in dancing is absolutely necessary to dancers. We give the following, with their definitions. They will be found sufficient for all practical purposes: Balance2. Set to or swing partners. Balance2 aux coins. Set to or swing COT1-le1 S. Aalance2 Quatre en ligne. Set four in a line. Chaîne Anglaise. Top and bottom couples right and left. Chazne Anglaise double. and left. Chaine Anglaise demze. left. Chaîne des dames. Ladies' chain. Chaine des dames double. All the ladies commence the chain at the same time. Double right Half right and Chaîne (la grande). All the couples chas- sez quite round, giving right and left hands alternately—beginning with the right until all resume places. Chassez. Move to right and left, or left to right. 54 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. Chasse2 croſsez. Lady and gentleman thassez in opposite directions. Cavalier seul. Gentleman advances alone. Demi-promenade. All the couples half- rºromenade. Dos-a-dos. Back to back. Glissade. A sliding step. Ze grand rond. All join hands, and ad- vance and retire twice. Ze grand tour de rond. Join hands, and iance round figure. Za grande promenade. All promenade round figure and back to places. Ale moulinet. Hands across. Demi-mou- linet. Ladies advance to center, give right hands and retire. Traverse2. Opposite persons change places; retrazerse2, they cross back again. l/?s-a-vis. partner. There is no surer mark of a well-bred man or woman than proper and dignified conduct in public. The truly polite are always quiet, unobtrusive, considerate of others, and care- ful to avoid all manifestations of superiority or elegance. Loud and boisterous talking, immoderate laughing and forward and pushing conduct are always marks of bad breeding. They inevitably subject a person to the satirical remarks of the persons with whom he is thrown, and are perhaps the surest means of % Face to face, or the opposite proclaiming that such a person is not used to the ways of polite society. When one considers whether there are special advantages in mingling with culti- vated people, and attending Social gatherings, it should be remembered that only by ex- perience and practice does any person gain proficiency in anything that is undertaken. No man could sell dry goods, or run a rail- road, or cultivate a farm, or write books, without gaining his knowledge in each of these pursuits of what would be required. No young lady could entertain a parlor filled with visitors by playing the piano, without having previously studied and practiced long and faithfully. Now, the same may be said concerning society in general. One must have actual contact with it before the edges can be rounded off, and ease and grace of manners can be gained. It is for this reason, which is a very plain and substantial one, that young persons should be encouraged to attend social gath- erings, with the understanding that they are to conduct themselves properly, make them- selves agreeable, and contribute to the inter- est of the occasion. Only by actually doing this can one be prepared to do it perfectly. There must be necessarily many mistakes, blunders perhaps, which may be mortifying to the one who commits them, and must be borne patiently, with a determination to be able finally to avoid them. CHAPTER VII. Dinner HE, table is the social centre. the rallying point of good society, and persons who gather about it should be able to conduct themselves in the most approved manner. Any vulgarity there is a sure sign of bad breeding, and a lamentable deficiency in those accomplishments which belong to the true lady or gentleman. A knowledge of dinner-table etiquette is all-im- portant in many respects; but chiefly in this: that it is regarded as one of the strong tests of good breeding. Persons new to society may master its simpler forms—such as dropping cards, paying visits, mixing in evening parties, and so on ; but dining is the great trial. The rules to be observed at table are so numerous and so minute in respect of detail, that they require the most careful study; and the worst of it is that none of them can be violated without exposing the offender to instant detection, and for this reason, that those accustomed to good society cannot err in particulars in which others are pretty certain to commit themselves. For example, a gentleman could not put his knife in his mouth ; nor could a lady ask twice for soup. These may seem small points. but things are large or small, important or unimportant, by comparison; and, moreover, Society judges of character and accomplish- ments by trifles. Mere friendly dinners should be conducted with the strictest regard to etiquette, but more freedom may be observed than at formal dinner-parties; nor need one make such an elaborate display. Let the home feeling and a graceful ease mark the occasion. It is Parties. In giving a dinner-party, the great ques- tion is, Whom to invite? Upon this point there hinges a second of almost equal impor- tance, namely, How many are to be invited? Taking the second difficulty first, we may Say that a dinner-party may consist of any number with one exception; there are not to be thirteen at table, because some persons entertain a foolish superstition with regard to that number, and we have known those who would decline to sit down rather than make the thirteenth. Large dinners are a mistake, though, of course, political, business, family and other reasons, often necessitate their being given. Six or eight is a comfortable number for a dinner. We prefer an even to an odd number; the guests are then paired, though all present should unite for the general en- tertainment, instead of breaking up into knots, as is inevitably the case where a dozen or more persons sit down. Of course, if a dinner is given merely as an opportunity for display, it does not matter how many are invited, so that the resources of the establishment (and of the pastrycook) are equal to the occasion. In the latter case, too, it does not much matter who is asked: the host has only to group his guests to the best of his ability. But when the object is that a dinner shall be enjoyed, it is quite as important to ask, “Who?” as to determine how many. There is nothing which party-giving people fail in so lamentably as the right selection and assortment of their guests. How often must it be repeated, that it is not enough to make 55 56 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. the most perfect arrangements for receiving company if those invited are hopelessly un- suited to one another? The effect of bring- ing together an incongruous mass of people is certain and inevitable; nothing but failure can attend it. There is, we are aware, the difficulty of the people one must ask; but many dinner-givers seem to have no tact, no sagacity, no perception of the fitness of things, and when they have a power of choice do not exercise it. They think one wealthy man must be glad to meet another wealthy man, one lawyer another lawyer, and so on. Forms of Invitation. Having decided upon the guests to be asked, send out the invitations a reasonable time before the day fixed on for the dinner. In the height of the season, in town, this should be three weeks before; but under ordinary circumstances, a fortnight is sufficient, and, in the country, a week or ten days. All invitations—even those to the 1most intimate friends—should be by note. Forms are to be obtained at stationers'; but if the note is written, let it be on the very best paper, small note size. The invitation is in the name of both the lady and gentleman of the house, and should be written in the third person, and may take this form : “Mr. and Mrs. request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. 's company at dinner, on Wednesday, Aug. —th, at — o'clock.” Instead of “pleasure,” the word “favor” is sometimes used. The answer must agree with the invitation, in being written in the third person, and on Small note-paper. It may run : “Mr. and Mrs. in accepting Mr. and Mrs. to dinner on the –th.” If it is necessary to decline the invitation, the note assumes this form: have great pleasure 's invitation “Mr. and Mrs. regret, that owing to a previous engagement, they cannot have the pleasure of accepting Mr. and Mrs. 's kind invitation for the –th.” If any other reason besides that of a prior engagement prevents the invitation being accepted, it should be stated. Whether accepting or declining, a reply to an invitation to dinner should always be returned immediately or at the very earliest convenience. When practicable, invitations should be sent by the hands of a servant rather than through the post; but this is a remnant of punctiliousness which “railway manners” are rapidly sweeping away. How Ladies Should Dress. Dressing for dinner only presents points of difficulty to the ladies; the rule to be fol. lowed by gentlemen is simple enough. Several considerations serve to embarrass the gentler sex. For a “great” dinner, a lady dresses in a style which would be extrav- agant and out of keeping with a “small” dinner; yet the invitation is in both cases couched in the same terms. Moreover, a dinner is often the prelude to an evening party, or a visit to the opera, or some other form of amusement; and the style of dress Imust be suited to these contingencies also. One or two general rules may be laid down. Full dinner dress means a low dress; the hair arranged with flowers or other orna- ments; and a display of jewelry, according to taste. For a grand dinner, a lady dresses as elaborately as for a ball; but there is a great distinction between a ball dress and a dinner dress. Let no misguided young belle who is invited to a great house rush to the conclusion that it will be right for her to appear in a dress that she has worn in a ball- room. The style of thing required is wholly different. In the ball-room everything should DINNER PARTIES. 57 be light, floating, diaphanous, ethereal, and calculated to produce a good general effect. A dinner dress must be good in quality; it should be of silk of the latest make, with an ample train. By way of setting the dress off, rich lace may be worm—Brussels, Mech- lin, Honiton, Maltese or Cluny; but such light materials as blonde, tulle, areophane, tarlatane, etc., are quite out of place as trim- mings. Jewelry of almost any value may be worn at a great dinner—diamonds, pearls, eme- ralds, rubies, any kind ; but it is not in good taste to wear too much jewelry at any time. As accessories, an opera-cloak, a fan, and a pair of perfectly white and perfectly fitting gloves must not be forgotten. In dressing for an ordinary dinner—say a dinner of six or eight, or a dinner at a coun- try house—the demi-toilette is sufficient. The dress should be made with a low body; but a transparent arrangement of net or mus- lin fastening round the throat should be worn over it. This is better than an ordinary high dress. The hair should be so dressed as to be in keeping with the prevailing fashion, and at the same time becoming. Gentlemen’s Dress. The theory is that gentlemen dress for dinner in such a manner as to be prepared for any kind of entertainment—opera, con- cert, theatre, party, meeting, or even ball— which they may have occasion to attend during the evening. The dinner or evening dress consists of a black dress-coat, black waistcoat and trousers, white cravat, patent leather boots, and white kid gloves. Jewelry of a more showy description than that worn in an earlier part of the day is permissible. A handsome chain may be worn with a gold watch; a diamond ring is in good taste, and the shirt-studs may be choice, but should be in proportion to the means of the wearer. It may be as well to remark that dinner- parties are not supposed to be given on Sun- days, and, therefore, when an invitation is accepted for that day—or when, on a visit, host and guests dine together—it is not necessary to dress; the ladies appearing in high dresses, or the demi-toilette at most; gentlemen in walking-dress. The Dining-room. To secure the success of a dinner, certain arrangements are indispensable. To begin with: it must be given in a comfortable and appropriate room. Where there is a choice of rooms, that selected should be in keeping with the number of the guests. See that it is warm—about 68°. If, as is now the custom in most of our cities, the dinner be given at a late hour, requiring the room to be lighted, let it be lit so that the light falls on the table. If the room is usually lit by means of gas brackets, over the fire-place or elsewhere, supplant them by moderator- lamps on the table, as nothing is more un- comfortable than a light at one's back. The room should be carpeted, if only that the servants may move about it without noise. - Table Furnishings. It is not easy to determine on the best shape for a dinner-table. The old oblong table has disadvantages; the host and hostess are effectually separated, and the same may be said of the guests on either side. Oval tables are now much in vogue, and are com- fortable. Round tables also have their advocates; but, like those which are oblong, they cause the company to break up into knots. Still, for small parties, many prefer them. Take care that the cloth placed upon it is 58 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. radiantly white, the folds showing that it has been recently opened. The same remark will apply to the table napkins. It is customary to place an ornamental stand for a large dish in the middle of the table, and a vase or stand of flowers at inter- vals down it. But it is well to see that these objects are not so pretentious as to prevent those dining from having a clear view of those opposite them. The appearance of the table is secondary to the comfort of the guests. Placing the Table-Ware. On the right of the space left for the plate place two knives and a spoon. The present mode is to use silver knives as well as forks for fish, and in that case this knife is placed with the others. On the left three forks—that for sweets smaller than the others. The glasses are placed on the right. These should be at least four in number. As it is a great breach of decorum, as well as a sign of ignorance, to drink one sort of wine from a glass intended for another, we will describe the glasses commonly in use. The tall glass or that with the shallow, saucer-like top, is for Champagne; the green for hock, Chablis and similar wines; the large, ample glass for claret and Burgundy; the round, full- shaped glass for port, and the Smaller glass for sherry. This is for the reader's information, yet must not be understood as implying that wines are essential to a high-toned dinner. Some of our very best families, the acknow- ledged leaders of fashion, never put Cham- pagne nor any kind of wine on their tables. There can be a close adherence to the observ- ances of good society without “placing exhil- arating compounds” before those whose prin- ciples and practices, perhaps, forbid any indulgence in wine drinking, even on “State occasions.” Each guest will be provided with a table- napkin, which, in laying the table, should occupy the place reserved for the plate. There are many different, many ingenious ways of treating the dinner-hapkin. The simplest is to leave it in the folds in which it comes from the laundress. The Dinner, Respecting the dinner itself, it is impos- sible to lay down any fixed rule. That must be governed by the season and the taste of the host. We may add that a dinner, however hum- ble in its pretensions—if only such as a man gives when he asks another to come and “take a chop” with him—should never con- sist of less than three courses, namely, soup or fish, a joint (which, in a small dinner, may be accompanied by poultry or game) and pastry. Cheese with salad, follows as a mat- ter of course. w For dessert this provision should be made: each guest will require a silver spoon, fork, and a plate, with a small folded napkin in it. Finger-glasses, containing rose-water, used to be placed on each guest's left hand at dessert; but it is now the mode for the perfumed water to be taken around in a deep silver dish, each person in turn dipping the corner of his napkin in it, and wetting the fingers and lips. The Attendants. It may be added that the success of a dim- ner greatly depends on the attendants. It is very desirable that there should be a suffi- cient number of servants. Three will be enough for a party of ten or fifteen at table. They should be previously instructed in their duties, and each should have particular duties assigned, and attend to these only. Each should take charge of one part of the table, and no other. Thus one looks after the guests on the right from the host to the DINNER PARTIES. 59 mistress, another taking the opposite side of the table, while a third has charge of the sideboard. White collars and gloves should be worn by females; or if not, care should be taken that the hands and nails are perfectly clean. The servant hands everything at the guest's left hand. Receiving the Guests. On their arrival, the guests are shown into the drawing-room, which should be well lighted, and in cold weather well warmed. The hostess should be ready in her drawing- room to receive at least by the hour for which dinner is fixed. She should have dressed, have given a glance at the dinner-table to see that all the appointments are correct, looking more especially to the smaller points, which servants are apt to overlook. She should then repair to the drawing-room, occu- pying a position there sufficiently near for her to command an uninterrupted view of the door, and not too close, because it is a mark of attention on her part to rise and advance a few steps to receive her guests as they arrive. Cordiality should mark the reception of each. In good houses the guests are received at the house-door by the man-servant, who ascertains the name and announces it at the drawing-room door. In some establishments, where men-servants are not kept, the females in attendance do this; but the bawling out of names is absurd in Small houses, where the guests are few. It is peculiarly the part of the lady of the house to entertain the guests as they arrive, during the awkward half-hour preceding dinner. If she is at ease, it is not difficult to introduce the guests to each other, to make observations suggesting conversation— introducing any topic of the day, or availing herself of any chance allusion to pictures, articles of zertu, prints, photographs, or other objects of interest in the drawing-room, to which, however, it is not well that she should herself direct attention, unless the curiosity of the objects, rather than their value, consti- tutes their attraction. During this period the lady quietly “pairs off” her guests, introducing to the gentle- Imen the ladies they will take out to dinner. Dinner Ready. When a butler forms part of the establish- ment, he appears at the drawing-room door and announces that dinner is on the table, waiting respectfully as the guests pass out. When there is no butler, the announcement is made by the housemaid. Dinner should be announced a few min- utes after the arrival of the last guest—that dreadful personage whose vulgar disregard of punctuality has perhaps endangered the suc- cess of the repast. It is well to give the servant charged with the duty of announcing the guests a fairly written list of the names to be looked at be- forehand, and ticked off as they arrive. This prevents mistakes in 11ames, and has this fur- ther advantage, that the dining-room may be lit up, and matters forwarded, as the com- pany arrive; and when all are there, the order to serve may be given, without the master or lady of the house being troubled. When dinner is announced the master of house will offer his arm to the lady to whom he desires to show the greatest respect, and places her on his right hand—he generally taking the lower end of the table. The gen- tleman on whom has been conferred the honor of escorting the hostess offers her his arm and conducts her to the head of the table, then takes his seat on her left hand. The rest of the company follow and take the seats assigned them by the host or hostess; these being arranged on the old-fashioned 6O RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. plan, according to precedence—married ladies taking the lead of unmarried. But as this precedence question involves endless difficul- ties and unpleasantness, when one gets be- yond the broad distinctions of rank, profes- sion, and so forth, the good taste of the present day has suggested an innovation which is being widely followed. It is taken for granted that every place at a friend's table is equally a place of honor and equally agree- able, so that, in the best circles, it is becom- ing the custom for the guests to sit in the order in which they enter the room, even the lady of the house resigning her place of honor and taking any seat that offers. A little care should, however, be taken that a judicious distribution of the guests, accord- ing to their tastes, accomplishments, terms of intimacy, etc., is secured. Ladies sit on the right of gentlemen. - As soon as seated all the guests remove their gloves, and taking the napkins from the table, open them and spread them on the knees. The napkin is not to be tucked into the waistcoat or pinned on to the front of the dress. It will usually contain a roll; that is placed on the left side of the plate. These preliminaries arranged, each gentle- man converses with the lady he has brought down until the dinner begins. The Various Courses. Soup is always first served—one ladle to each plate. Eat it from the side of your spoon. Do not take it too hot; and do not ask twice for it, or dip up the last spoonfuls, or tilt your plate to get at it. Fish follows soup. At the best tables you will find a silver fish-knife as well as fork; if not, eat with a fork in the right hand and a small piece of bread in the left. Never spit the bones out into the plate, or touch them with your fingers; use a corner of | your napkin to convey them to the side of . your plate. When there are two kinds of fish, the larger one—say the turbot—is placed before the host; the lady taking that which is less calculated to fatigue in the helping. When fish sauce is handed, put it on the side of your plate. By the way, endeavor to learn the Sauces appropriate to the different kinds of fish—as lobster sauce with turbot, shrimp or caper with Salmon, oyster with cod, and SO O11. The entrees follow:—They are, for the most part, served in covered silver side-dishes. It is not customary to do more than taste one, or, at the most, two of these. They consist of sweetbreads, pates, cutlets, and made-dishes generally, and over-indulgence in them is apt to unfit one for enjoying the rest of the dinner, while it is not very good for digestion. Eat, such as can be eaten that way, with a fork. IRoast Meats. The roast meats are placed about the table in this way:—the largest and most import- ant, say haunch of venison, before the host; one before the lady of the house, and such dishes as tongue or ham before particular guests, occupying seats at points where carv- ing-knives and forks will be found ready placed. It is proper to proceed to carve what is put before you for that purpose without liesita- tion or demur. Carving is a most important accomplishment, and one that should be ac- quired by every gentleman. A man should be able to carve a joint or a bird easily, dex- terously, without exertion, and with infinite neatness. But facility is only to be acquired by practice. You will see an unpracticed man stand up and labor at a joint or a bird, while another will quietly dispose of it with- DINNER PARTIES. 61 out effort or difficulty. Tact has something to do with it; practice more. We need hardly say that both knife and fork are used for meat and poultry, and like- wise for game; but under no possible circum- stances is the knife to be put in or near the mouth. Do not begin to eat meat until you have all the accessories—the vegetables, the gravy, and, in the case of venison or mutton, the cur- rant jelly. Do not load your plate with different kinds of vegetables. Eat them with a fork. Do not take a spoon for peas, it is unnecessary. It is best for both gentlemen and ladies to eat asparagus with the knife and fork, cutting off the heads. In England gentlemen eat as- paragus by taking the stalk in their fingers. Ladies never do. Game and Dessert. Game follows. It is often put on with the sweets, in which case the principal dish of game is placed before the gentleman, and the pudding or tart before the lady of the house. Minor dishes are arrayed at the sides. It is very necessary for a gentleman to have a knowledge of the way in which hare, pheasant, partridge, teal, Snipe, and small birds generally, are carved and helped. A knife is used in eating all of them. Cheese concludes the dinner. As a rule, only the gentlemen eating it, the ladies de- clining to do so. It is eaten with a fork. Rusks, or pulled bread, as it is called, should be handed round with it. These may be taken, and also broken, with the fingers, as bread is done. When the servants have placed the dessert on the table, and have handed the fruit and sweets once round, they retire. The gentlemen then devote themselves to the ladies, and see that they want for nothing. They select the choicest fruits from those at hand. Should a lady take a pear, an apple, or an orange, the gentleman next her prepares it, using a silver knife and fork, and never touching it with the fingers. In the same way, should she take walnuts or nuts of any kind, he will crack them for her. There will be plenty of time for him to have his own dessert when the ladies have returned to the drawing-room. Retiring from the Table. Then the hostess bows to the lady of most distinction present, and all the ladies rise and prepare to retire. The gentleman nearest the door opens it, and holds it open for them. The hostess is the last to go out. While they are going all the gentlemen rise, and remain standing until they are gone. It would not, however, be a violation of eti- quette for the gentlemen to accompany the ladies to the drawing-room at once. Tea and coffee are dispensed by the lady of the house in the drawing-room. This is her special province. It should be accompanied by a few wafers; a plate of very thin rolled bread-and-butter, and a few biscuits of the lightest description may be added. One cup. of tea or coffee only should be taken; and we need hardly say that it must not be poured into the saucer to cool. It will be handed round the room by the servants. In the drawing-room there should be a little music to give relief to the conversa- tion. At a plain family dinner, at which one or two guests are present, more devolves on the host and hostess, and less on the servants. However quiet and unpretending the party, a lady must never help herself to anything, even if 1t is immediately before her. And she must studiously refrain from offering to hand anything to others; that is a signal proof of ill-breeding. 62 FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE Nothing should be suffered to disturb the general composure at the dinner-table. Maintain Self-PoSSession. Accidents will happen; wine will be spilt, and glass and china broken ; but these things should neither bring a frown to the face of the hostess, nor be suffered to embarrass the unlucky guest. The highest compliment ever paid to a lady, as expressive of her es- sentially lady-like qualities, was that she WaS— “Mistress of herself, though china fall.” Let us add a few general hints. Chew with your mouth shut. Cut the food into small pieces, and when a spoon is raised to the mouth see that it is not so full as to re- quire an effort to swallow its contents. Never driak with the mouth full; it may lead to choking, which is unpardonable. The same rule applies to talking. Gentlemen wearing beard or moustache should be careful to use the table-napkin repeatedly, so that no particle of food, or drop of wine or gravy, beleft adher- ing to the hair in an offensive way. Do not put your hands on the table, or play with ycur bread, or examine the plate with an in- quisitive glance. In taking sauces, be care- ful not to try to secure all the oysters, shrimps, etc.; and so, in taking Salad, do not appro- priate all the lobster, or whatever may give a character to it, or take an undue quantity of the dressing. In eating plum or cherry tarts, convey the stones from your mouth to the plate with your fork. Avoid taking dishes quite un- known to you, lest you should not like them, and be obliged to express your distaste either by your face or in some more offensive manner. Never offer to pass a plate that has been handed to you. Do not speak to Serv- ants imperiously or in an offensive manner. It is the part of the host to promote genial, pleasant feeling, to see that every one is prop- erly attended to, and that his friends lack nothing that may tend to their comfort. On the other hand, the guests are bound to pro- mote the general amusement, which is the object of their meeting, not by individual attempts at brilliancy—for the desire to shine is fatal—but by stimulating conversation, contributing to it without absorbing it, and So helping to promote geniality, good humor, and genuine enjoyment. General Hints. You should sit at a convenient distance from the table, and sit upright. Do not lean back, or tilt your chair, or stoop forward towards the table. When grace is said at the table, observe the most respectful attention, reverently in- clining the head. Do not be impatient to be served. Should you need anything at the hands of the serv- ants, do not order them to serve you, but re- quest them politely, in a low, distinct tone, adding, “if you please.” In declining a viand offered by them, say, “Not any, I thank you,” etc. Do not pick your teeth at table, or put your hand over or in your mouth. Do not hesitate to take the last piece of bread or cake in a dish handed to you. Your host has more for other guests. When a plate containing food is handed to you, set it down before you, and do not pass it to your neigh- bor. Do not thrust your feet far enough under the table to touch the feet of persons opposite you. Tea or coffee should be drunk from the cup, and not poured into the Saucer. Do not set your cup on the table-cloth, as it will soil it. In passing your cup to your hostess or the waiter, remove the spoon, and lay it in the saucer, beside the cup. Always act simply and easily, as if you were accustomed to doing things properly. CHAPTER VIII. Etiquette to be Observed at Weddings. the wedding take place?” In Europe the favorite months for weddings are, generally speaking, June, July and August. There is some unaccountable prejudice against the month of May. Easter week is a very popular time for marriages. Wednesday or Thursday is considered the test day—indeed, any day but Friday, which is considered unlucky. In this country all seasons are regarded as suitable, except that Lent is considered an inappropriate time, and Friday shares the prejudice entertained towards it in Europe. It is the privilege of the lady to appoint the time for the wedding, and the gentleman should leave her unfettered in this, except for very important reasons. The season of the wedding day may be gov- erned, to a certain extent, by the place where the honeymoon is intended to be passed; and by the same rule, the honeymoon is fre- quently governed by the season at which a wedding is obliged to take place. @". first great question is, “When shall Marriage is regulated in this country by the laws of the various States of the Union. Some of these require a license from the county court, or circuit court of the city in which the marriage is to take place. This license must be procured by the intended husband, and he must be accompanied by a near relative of the lady—her father or guardian is the proper person—who must make oath that she can lawfully contract the proposed marriage, and answer any ques- tions that may be asked. The bridal trousseau does not include plate, glass, china, furniture, though we have seer these articles mentioned as belonging theretc. in a book professing to be an authority on the subject. It comprises simply the bride's stock of attire, which is to last her for the first few years of her wedded life. She should be careful, however wealthy she may be, not to have too great a quantity of wearing ap- parel; for the changes of fashion are so fre- quent that it is just possible the make of many of her garments may be quite gone by before she has had time to wear them. It is impossible to give an accurate state- ment of the cost of a trousseau, for that is a matter that must be governed by the means and taste of the bride. Gifts for the Happy Pair. Presents to the bride and bridegroom-elect should be sent in during the week previous to the wedding—not later than two full days before the event. It is so customary now to make an exhibition of the presents the day before, or the day of the wedding, that it is more than ever necessary that they should arrive in good time. They should be in accordance with the means, and in harmony with the tastes of the recipients. Nothing is in worse taste than to send some gorgeous ornament for a house where it will be out of keeping with all therest of its belongings, and only serve for a monu- ment of the vulgar ostentation of its donor. We happen to know of an instance of a most elaborate and ornamentally decorated jewel- box, which was presented to a young bride, who was very blooming and very lovely, but had not a diamond to bless herself with. 63 64 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. If people do not know what to send, or what the young couple require, they should ask; for nothing is more annoying than to give or receive duplicate presents. We have known instances of five butter-knives, three soup-ladles, and a couple of tea-urns being presented to a young couple just starting in life. It is customary for the gentleman to make his bride a present of jewelry to be worn at her wedding, where his means will permit him to do so. Flowers. The bride's bouquet should be composed exclusively of white flowers, such as gard- enias, white azaleas, or camellias, with a little orange blossom intertwined. It is the privilege of the groomsman to procure and present this to the bride. It is generally considered a delicate atten- tion on the part of the bridegroom to present a bouquet to his future mother-in-law. This may be composed of choice variously colored flowers, whilst those of the bridesmaids— which are, of course, provided by the parents of the bride—should be white, with an edg- ing of pale blush roses. To save trouble and anxiety with regard to bouquets, it is the best plan to order them from some practical florist. He will know exactly what to send, and will deliver them fresh on the day of the marriage. The Bridesmaids. The bridesmaids are usually selected from among the sisters of the bride, her cousins, or friends. The head-bridesmaid is generally supposed to be her dearest and most intimate friend. Occasionally the sisters of the bride- groom are asked to assist as bridesmaids, but it should be borne in mind that the bride's own sisters always take the precedence. The number of the bridesmaids, of course, must be governed by circumstances. Six is a good number, though eight and twelve are frequent. Recollect, an even number should be always selected. The dress of the bridesmaids is usually of Some light white material, such as tulle, or tar. latane trimmed with some gay color of a light hue. They frequently wear wreaths and veils, but of course of a more light and less costly character than that of the bride. It is not unusual for half to adopt one kind of trimming to their dress, and the rest that of a different hue; but it is more strictly eti- quette for aii of them to be dressed alike. In this country the bridesmaids either pro- vide their own dresses or may accept them from the b11de. The Groomsmen. The number of groomsmen must corres- pond to that of the bridesmaids. These gen- tlemen have mostly nothing to do but to make themselves agreeable and dress well, except the first or principal groomsman, who is charged by the bridegroom with the man- agement of the whole affair, and should be furnished by him with money to pay all the expenses. Where a ring is used he should take charge of it, and present it to the bridegroom at the proper moment. He must hand the minis- ter his fee, and pay the Sexton and other per- sons entitled to payment their legitimate charges. It is his duty to undertake all the arrange- ments for his friend on the eventful day, and to see that they are all properly carried out. The dress of the groomsmen should be similar to that of the bridegroom, the only difference being that their costume—say in the matter of gloves, scarfs and trousers, should be a shade darker in tone than his. We have seen weddings where all the groomsmen were attired precisely alike, but ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS. 65 gentlemen's dress even more monotonous than it usually is on these occasions. The Bride. The bride should retire to rest early on the evening preceding the wedding, although the ceremony may not take place until the next evening. She should avoid all fatigue and excitement, and endeavor to look as fresh and blooming as possible on the all-import- occasion. s The bride generally takes breakfast in her own room, and remains there until the hour arrives for her to resign herself to the hands of her maidens to be dressed for the altar. It is the bridesmaidens' privilege to perform this service. After she is dressed she remains in her room till her carriage is announced, or, where the wedding is at the house, until it is time for her to descend to the drawing-room. The bride's carriage is invariably the last to leave the house, and it contains but one occupant besides herself—namely, her father or the person who is to give her away. With regard to the dress of the bride, it is simply impossible to lay down a rule. It is governed by the fashion of the day, but is always white for a maiden, and of light colors for a widow contracting a second marriage. According to the present fashion, the attire of the former is that of a white moire antique dress, with a very long train, or a plain white silk, with a lace skirt overit; wreath of orange blossoms, and Honiton lace veil, descending almost to the ground. Of course the gloves should be white, and the shoes or boots of white kid, or white satin, as the case may be. It is customary for the bride to make some little present to the bridesmaids on the wed- ding morn. These should generally consist of some trifling article of jewelry—not too costly—for it should be borne in mind that the gift should be valued rather as a memento of the occasion it commemorates than for its own intrinsic worth. Should the bride reside in another city or part of the country, the bridegroom, and such of his groomsmen as are to accompany him, should reach the place the day before the ceremony. They may dine at the house of the bride's parents; but it is not etiquette for them to sleep there, even though invited to do so. They should take up their quar- ters at a hotel, or with some friend who has asked them to do so. The bridegroom ought not see his bride on the happy day until he takes his place by her side for the final cere- mony. The Bridegroom. It is the custom in this country for the bridegroom and his groomsmen to wear full evening dress. This has been described. The English custom of being married in morning dress is rapidly coming into favor in refined society. In the latter case, the dress of the bride- groom should be a blue frock or morning coat—never a black one—very light trousers and tie, and white gloves. He may also wear a small sprig of orange blossom, or some small white flower, in his button-hole. Boots may be of shining patent leather or of kid. It is customary for him to make some lit- tle present to his best man—say a choice scarf-pin or a signet-ring—both as a memento of the day and a slight acknowledgment of his valuable Services on the occasion. He may also make a similar but less expensive present to each of his groomsmen. He is not bound to do so, however. The bridegroom should be careful to see that all his arrangements are made before- hand, especially if the wedding is to be fol- lowed by a bridal tour. Tickets should be purchased beforehand, places reserved in par- lor cars and baggage checked, or had in 5 66 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. readiness for instant use. To be obliged at the last moment to stop and attend to these matters is very annoying, and also prevents the bridegroom from looking after the com- fort of his bride as he should, and takes him out of the society of his friends who are assembled to see him off, at the very time he should be on the spot to receive their parting wishes. Besides, these delays at this time Imay be the cause of the bridal party losing the train or boat, which would be a most awkward mishap in a wedding journey. The Marriage Ceremony. Marriage by a magistrate is perfectly law- ful. Most persons prefer to be married by a clergyman, and in church. The bridegroom must send a carriage at his own expense for the officiating clergy- man and his family. The bride's parents provide the carriages for themselves and the bride. Either the bridegroom or the groomsmen may bear the cost of the carriages for the bridesmaids and groomsmen. If the wedding is in church, ushers, se- lected by the friends of the bride and groom, should be appointed to show the guests to seats. They should be designated by a white rosette worn on the left lappel of the coat. The front pews in the church should be reserved for the families and especial friends of the happy pair. These are generally sep- arated from the others by a white ribbon drawn across the aisle. The clergyman is expected to be at his place within the chancel rail at the appointed hour. Upon the arrival of the bridal party, the ushers will meet them in a body at the door, and precede them up the principal aisle of the church. Upon reaching the altar they will separate to the right and left, and take their places in the rear of the bridal party. Upon the entrance of the bridal party within the doors of the church, the organist will play a “Wedding March,” and as they take their places at the altar will chańge this to some low, subdued, but sweet and appropriate melody, which he should con- tinue with taste and feeling throughout the service. As the bridal party leave the church, the music should be loud and jubi- lant. The bridal party should form in the vesti- bule of the church. The first groomsman gives his arm to the principal bridesmaid, and these are followed by the others in their proper order. Then comes the bridegroom with the mother of the bride on his arm ; and last of all the bride, leaning upon her father's arm. At the altar the bride takes her place upon the left of the groom; her father stands a little in advance of the rest, behind the couple; her 1nother just in the rear of her father. The bridesmaids group themselves on the left of the bride; the groomsmen on the right of the bridegroom, all in the rear of the principals. The Ring. Where a ring is used, the first bridesmaid removes the glove of the bride. The Eng- lish very sensibly cause the bride and groom to remove their gloves before the commence- ment of the ceremony. This saves an awk. ward pause. The responses of the bride and groom should be given clearly and distinctly, but not in too 'oud a tone. As the English custom, respecting wed- dings, is being generally adopted by the best society of this country, it is well to give a description of it here. The Wedding Tour. The wedding tour should be definitely ar- ranged before the marriage, and the tickets purchased before the ceremony, so that there ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS. 67 may be no delay or confusion upon the ar- rival of the bridal party at the depot. The bride's wishes must govern the tour in everything. Arrange your movements so that they will be leisurely. Avoid haste and bustle, and so double the pleasure of your journey. It is well to select your hotel at the places you intend to stop, and telegraph ahead for 1 OO111S. It is best that the young couple should make the wedding tour unaccompanied by any of their friends. It relieves them of embarrassment, and enables them to devote themselves entirely to each other. Upon such occasions a third person is decidedly out of place, and is sure to feel so. Sending Cards. In some circles the young couple send out cards with their wedding invitations, stating the day and hour they will receive callers after their return from their wedding tour. No one who has not received such a card should call upon a newly married couple. Such cards should be as simple and unosten- tatious as possible. Where they are sent out the wedding journey must be terminated in time to allow the new couple to be at home at the hour indicated for the reception of their visitors. Visitors should call punctually at the time appointed. In some places it is customary to offer the guests wedding-cake and wine. It is customary for the mother, sister, or some intimate friend of the bride, to assist her in receiving these calls. This rule is imperative. Wedding calls must be returned within a week. What to Do at Funerals. The great sorrow brought upon a family by the death of a loved one renders the im- mediate members of the family incapable of attending to the necessary arrangements for the funeral. The services of an intimate friend, or a relative, should, therefore, be sought. He should receive general instruc- tions from the family, after which he should take entire charge of the arrangements, and relieve them from all care on the subject. If such a person cannot be had, the arrange- ments may be placed in the hands of the Sexton of the church the deceased attended in life, or of some responsible undertaker. The expenses of the funeral should be in accordance with the means of the family. No false pride should permit the relatives to incur undue expense in order to make a showy funeral. At the same time, affection will dictate that all the marks of respect which you can provide should be paid to the Imemory of your beloved dead, thus affording evidence of sincere grief at your loss. In some parts of the country it is custom- ary to send notes of invitation to the funeral to the friends of the deceased and of the family. These invitations should be printed, neatly and simply, on Imourning paper, with envelopes to match; and should be delivered by a private messenger. The following is a correct form, the names and dates to be be changed to suit the occasion: “Yourself and family are respectfully in- vited to attend the funeral of James Hill- house, on Wednesday, the 4th instant, at 2 o'clock, P. M., from his late residence, 375 Beacon Street, to proceed to Mount Vernon Cemetery.” Where the funeral is from a church, the invitation should read: “Yourself and family are respectfully in- vited to attend the funeral of James Hill- bouse, from the Church of the Holy Trinity, on Wednesday, the 4th instant, at 2 o'clock, P. M., to proceed to Mount Vernon Ceme- tery.” 68 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. Where such invitations are sent, a list of persons so invited must be given to the per- Son in charge of the funeral, in order that he may provide a sufficient number of car- riages. No one to whom an invitation has not been sent should attend such a funeral, nor should those invited permit anything but an important duty to prevent their at- tendance. - When the funeral is at the llouse, some near relative or intimate friend should act as usher, and show the company to their seats. Preserve a decorous silence in the chamber of death—speak as little as possible, and then only in low, subdued tones. The members of the family are not obliged to The latter recognize their acquaintances. show their sympathy by their presence and considerate silence. As the casket is borne from the house to . the hearse, gentlemen who may be standing at the door or in the street remove their hats, and remain uncovered until it is placed in the hearse. The pall-bearers should be chosen from among the intimate friends of the deceased, and should correspond to him in age and general character. With regard to sending flowers, the wishes of the family should be considered. If you are uncertain upon this point, it is safe to send them. They should be simple and tasteful, also in keeping with the age of the person who has been removed by death. CHAPTER IX. How to Converse Well. HEN your opinion differs from that of others, 1maintain it with modesty, calmness, and gentleness; but never be eager, loud, or clamorous; and, when you find your antagonist beginning to grow warm, put an end to the dispute by some genteel stroke of humor. For, take it for granted, if the two best friends in the world dispute with eagerness upon the most trifling subject imaginable, they will, for the time, find a momentary alienation from each other. Dis- putes upon any subject are a sort of trial of the understanding, and must end in the 1mor- tification of one or other of the disputants. On the other land, you need not give a universal assent to all that you hear said in company; such all assent would be mean, and in some cases criminal; but blame with indulgence, and correct with gentleness. Have a mind of your own; do not compel any one to say to you, “Do, please, differ from 1me, just to show that there are two of us.” Always look people in the face when you speak to them ; not doing it is thought to imply conscious guilt; besides that, you lose the advantage of observing by their counte- nances, what impression your discourse makes upon them. When you find your temper rising, resolve neither to speak to, nor answer the person who excites it; but stay till you find it sub- siding, and then speak deliberately. En- deavor to be cool and steady upon all occa- sions; the advantages of such a steady calmness are innummerable, and would be tedious to relate. It may be acquired by care and reflection; if it could not, that reason which distinguishes men from brutes would be given us to very little purpose. You Scarcely ever leard of a Quaker in a passion. There is in that sect a decorum and decency, and an amiable simplicity known in no other. Witticisms at the Expense of Others. If you have wit (which I am not sure that I wish you, unless you have at the same time an equal portion of judgment to keep it in good order), wear it like a sword in the Scabbard, and do not brandish it to the terror of the whole company. Wit is a shining quality, that everybody admires; 1most people aim at it, all people fear it, and few love it, unless in themselves. A man must have a good share of wit himself, to endure a great share in another. When wit exerts itself in satire, it is a most malignant distemper; wit, it is true, 1may be shown in satire, but satire does not constitute wit, as 1many imagine. A man of wit ought to find a thousand better occasions of showing it. Abstain, therefore, most carefully from satire; which, though it fall on no particular person in the company, and momentarily, from the malignancy of the human heart, pleases all; yet, upon reflection, it frightens all. Every one thinks it may be his turn 11ext; and will hate you for what he finds you could say of him, more than be obliged to you for what you do not say. Fear and hatred are next-door neighbors; the more wit you have, the more good-nature and politeness you must show, to induce people 69 7O RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. to pardon your superiority; for that is no easy matter. Appear to have rather less than more wit than you really have. A wise man will live at least as much within his wit as his income. Content yourself with good sense and reason, which at the long run are ever sure to please everybody who has either; if wit comes into the bargain, welcome it, but never invite it. Bear this truth always in your mind, that you may be admired for your wit, if you have any; but that nothing but good sense and good qualities can make you be beloved. These are substantial every day's wear; whereas, wit is a holiday suit, which people put on chiefly to be stared at. Avoid Raillery. There is a species of minor wit, which is much used, and much more abused; I mean raillery. It is a most mischievous and danger- ous weapon when in unskillful and clumsy nands; and it is much safer to let it quite alone than to play with it; and yet almost everybody plays with it, though they see daily the quarrels and heart-burnings that it occasions. The injustice of a bad man is sooner for- given than the insults of a witty one; the former only hurts one's liberty and property; but the latter 11urts and mortifies that secret pride which no human breast is free from. True, there is a sort of raillery which may not only be inoffensive, but even flattering ; as when, by a genteel irony, you accuse people of those imperfections which they are most notoriously free from, and consequently insinuate that they possess the contrary virtues. You may safely call Aristides a knave, or a very handsome woman an ugly one. Take care, however, that neither the man's char- acter, nor the lady's beauty, be in the least doubtful. But this sort of raillery requires a very light and steady hand to administer it. A little too strong, it may be mistaken into an offence; and a little too smooth, it 1may be thought a sneer, which is a most odious thing. You Can be Agreeable if not Brilliant. It is not given to every man to be a brilliant talker, or to express himself in writing with elegance or force. There is, however, no reason why any person who goes into society should be ignorant of the rules of polite in- tercourse, or fail to master all the customary forms of address. It is almost useless to say that your con- versation should be adapted to your com- pany: that is, 11evertheless, the golden rule on this subject. Avoid politics and religion, and all topics likely to excite argument, or to lead to warmth of feeling or expression. Talk of yourself and your own affairs as little as possible. Those of the personages you are addressing are sure to interest them far more. Above all, never drag in the names of distinguished persons to whom you may be related or who may be num- bered among your friends; nothing is more vulgar or offensive. To speak of your own exploits, or to give illustrations of your own prowess and Sagacity, is also offensive. Restrain any desire to shine, and be most particular not to monopolize the conversa- tion. It is presumptuous in one person to attempt to lead the conversation, much more to monopolize it. Offensive Flattery. Avoid whatever is personal in tone or allu- sion; neither flatter nor make observations of an offensive character; do not even indulge in joking unless with friends, who will not be likely to put a false construction on your words, or to take in earnest what you mean in sport. Do not speak in a loud voice, or assume a HOW TO CONVERSE WELL. 7 I dictatorial manner. If any statement is made which you know to be incorrect or untrue, be very careful of the manner in which you correct the speaker. Never charge him with having made a willful mis- statement; suggest a correction, rather than make it; and if the point in question is immaterial it is best to let it pass unnoticed. If addressed in an offensive tone, or if an objectionable manner is adopted towards you, it is best not to notice it; and even when you perceive an intention to annoy or insult, either pass it over for the time, or take an opportunity of withdrawing. Such a thing as a “scene” is, above all things, to the avoided. Talk Plain English. Do not interlard your conversation with French and other languages. If you are tempted into a quotation from a foreign or classic language apologize to the company for its use, or translate it; but not in such a manner as to convey the idea that you are glad to display your learning, or that your bearers are in need of such translation. Puns and slang terms are to be avoided as much as possible. And remember there are various kinds of slang: there is the slang of the drawing-room as will as that of the lower classes, or of out-door life. Every profession Has its own technical terms and set of ex- pressions, which should be avoided in general society. - Should a person enter the room in which you are conversing, and the conversation be continued after his arrival, it is only courteous to acquaint him with the nature of the sub- ject to which it relates, and to give him an idea of what has passed. In conversing with either superiors or equals do not address them by name. If they are persons of rank or title, do not say, “Yes, Colonel,” “No, Governor,” “Of course, Mr. President; ” though you may occasion- ally make use of some such a phrase as, “You will perceive, Colonel,” “You will understand, Governor.” Avoid the too fre- quent use of “Sir,” or “Madam,” and beware of addressing a comparative acquaintance as “My dear sir,” or “My dear madam.” In speaking of third persons always use the prefix “Mr.” or “Mrs.” to their names; do not refer to them by their initials, as Mr. or Mrs. B. Never allude to any one as a “party” or a “gent”; and, above all, refrain from any of the vulgarisms to which some persons nave recourse when they cannot recollect the name of a person, place, or thing. Can anything be more inelegant or atrocious than such a sentence as this? “Oh, Jones, I met what's-his-name driving that what-is-it of his, down by the—you know—close to what- you-call-'in's house.” Yet this kind of re- mark is heard every day. Short Answers. Never give short or sharp answers in ordi- nary conversation. To do so is simply rude. “I do not know,” or “I cannot tell,” are the most harmless words possible, and yet they may be rendered very offensive by the tone and manner in which they are pro- nounced. Never reply—in answer to a ques- tion like the following, “Did Mrs. Grundy tell you how Miss Clifton's marriage was get- ting on ?”—“I did not ask.” It is almost like saying, I never ask impertinent ques- tions, though you do ; we learn plenty of things in the world without having first in- quired about them. If you must say, you did not ask, say, that “you forgot to ask,” “neglected it,” or “did not think of it.” We can always be ordinarily civil, even if we cannot always be absolutely wise. Express yourself simply and clearly. Avoid all attempts at elegance or pomposity. Use the shortest and plainest words you can, 72 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. and when you have said what you desire to Say, stop. Speak in a distinct, well-modulated voice, | but avoid loud talking. A low, sweet voice is one of a woman's greatest charms, and will never fail to win her the admiration of 1116.211. Mothers should beware of praising or talking much of their children in company. Such topics, though interesting to them- selves, are tedious to others. Mere courtesy will prevent your visitor from differing with you, but he will be glad to discontinue the Conversation. Remember “brevity is the soul of wit; ” therefore “speak little, but speak well, if you would be thought a perSqn of good sense.” Ancient Anecdotes. Becautious in relating anecdotes. Unless you can relate a story with ease and effect, it is better not to attempt it. Avoid laughing at your own wit. Habitual relaters of anec- dotes are apt to become great bores. Do not mimic the peculiarities, infirmities, or short-comings of others in general Society. You may give offence to some one present who is a friend of the person caricatured. Do not speak of what passes in a house that you are visiting. You need not tell all the truth unless to those who have a right to know it all. But let all you tell be truth. Do not offer advice unless you know it will be followed. Beware, however, of ad- vising an angry or an opinionated person. Becautious as to asking questions. The reply may be very embarrassing to the per- son of whom the question is asked. Do not volunteer information, especially in public; but be very sure you are correct in what you state as facts. Do not sit dumb in company, but bear your share in the general conversation. Do this with modesty and self-possession, neither thrusting yourself forward, nor hesitating where you should speak. It is better to be a good listener than a good talker. A Prudent Reserve. It is not necessary to express your opin- ions upon all subjects; but if you give utterance to them, do so fearlessly, frankly, and with courteous regard for the opinions of others. The greater your learning, the more modest should be your 1rianner of expressing it. When we speak of ourselves and another person, whether he is absent or present, pro- priety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should say, “he and I,” “you and I.” Do not indulge in words or plurases of double meaning. To do so is to draw upon yourself the contempt of those who hear you. Avoid exaggerated expressions. Speak simply, and with 1moderation, or men will doubt your statements. Always be good-tempered. Nothing is so agreeable or so useful in Society, as a pleasant, even temper. What may be very entertaining in com- pany with ignorant people, may be tiresome to those who are better informed than your- self. In conversing with a lady, do not appear to bring your conversation down to her level. Sensible women detest “small talk,” and re- gard with contempt the man who appears to think they cannot converse intelligently upon subjects generally treated of in Society. Be lenient to the weakness and foibles of your friends. Remember that you need a like forbearance from them. CHAPTER X. Etiquette of Correspondence. persons, is simply a conversation reduced to writing; in which one party says all that he has to communicate, replies to preceding inquiries, and, in his turn, proposes questions, without interrup- tion by the other; who takes precisely the same course in his answer. We should write to an absent person, as we would speak to the same party if present. To a superior, we ought to be respectful; to a parent, duti- ful and affectionate; to a friend, frank and easy; and clear and definite in our expres- sions to all. Aº between two Conciseness is one of the charms of letter-writing: we do not mean to say that a letter should not contain sufficient facts, ideas, and feelings; but they ought to be as briefly expressed as perspicuity and elegance will permit. If we encumber an idea with ver- biage, it loses its power. There are some persons who, when they express a feeling, or a thought, of which simplicity should be the charm, clothe it with all the verbal treasures they possess: this is like wearing one's whole wardrobe at once; the figure is lost in a mass of drapery. Lengthened periods are as much out of place in a letter as they would be in conver- sation, of which letters may be called the prototype; for they tire the reader even more than they would the hearer: when written, their faults are also perceived with much less difficulty than when spoken. The style, of course, may rise with the subject; but all parade of words should be dropped in a familiar epistle. The death of a friend or relation, a calamity, or any circumstance of grave importance, should not be communi- cated in the same manner as a trifling occur- rence, or even a happy event: brevity, in these cases, is beauty; in those it would be demed unfeeling and abrupt. To an absent friend, an elaborate letter will be most welcome: a stranger, a superior, or a person of whom the writer seeks some- thing, will recoil from a “folio of four pages,” and, perhaps throw it aside unread, or, at best, but slightly skimmed over. When the party, to whom a letter is addressed, is unin- terested in the subject on which it is written, the writer of it should display a brevity, which will attract attention, and insure a perusal; no unnecessary ornament should be used, nor, in fact, anything introduced but what is import- ant and bears strongly on the case stated, or the inquiry made. All those little personal details and trifling circumstances which are so delightful in a letter from a friend, would fatigue and dis- gust a stranger, to whom they are destitute of interest. We should never suffer our- selves to be seduced to adopt a fine-sounding epithet unless we are perfectly well acquainted with its meaning; or to indulge in a simile, unless we are capable of wielding it with ease. It is dangerous to meddle with fine phrases, if we are unaccustomed to the manner of using them. A person who, by invariably keeping within the beaten path, and never running astray after “the butterflies of lan- guage,” had been accounted, by his corre- 73 74 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. spondents, a plain, sensible sort of man, destroyed his reputation by a congratulatory epistle on a friend's marriage, written in a style which he, doubtless, considered of great elevation and beauty. No one had ever sus- pected him to be a blockhead before; but the letter in question was evidence enough to convict him, even in the opinions of his most partial friends. You Should Write as You would Speak. In all epistolary correspondence, the choice of embellishments, the language, subjects, matter and manner, in general, should, as in conversation, be governed by the relative situations in life, as to age, rank, character, etc., of the parties addressed and addressing. A lady neither writes nor speaks to a gentle- man as she would to one of her own sex, and a gentleman addresses a lady in a style of more courteousness and respect than he does a male correspondent. The language of a mother to a daughter is very different from that of a daughter to her mother. In our first letter to a person, as on Our first introduction, we should be respectful, and by no means familiar. The distance which either age, rank, sex, or any other cir- cumstance, occasions, ought always to be re- membered. We should never forget what we are, and what the person is whom we ad- dress. We should say only precisely what ought to be said—should write, in fact, with the same restrictions as we would speak, supposing the party present whom we ad- dress; and should bear in mind, that our letters are, in every respect, representations of our own persons—that they may be said to speak for us; and that an estimate of our character and manners is frequently formed from the style and language of our epistles. How frequently do we hear persons ex- claiming, that they do not know what to write about! Such an observation is a dis- grace to the person who makes it. Were the mother, the sister, the cousin, friend, or even acquaintance, to enter the room in which you are sitting at an escrutoire, with a blank sheet of paper before you, would you have nothing to say? Would you have nothing to communicate? Nothing to in- quire? No hitherto unanswered question to reply to? There is but little doubt that a host of facts, feelings, questions, and answers, would crowd to your lips for utterance. But it will, perhaps, be observed by some, that “there is such a difference between talk- ing and writing.” Truly so; the great dif. ference is, that in this, the pen—in that, the tongue—is the agent of expression. What- ever we should say to a person present, we Inay write if absent. There is, of course, a choice of subjects to be made, and a proper mode to be chosen of communicating them. To regulate that choice, we should select as though the friend, to whom we are writing, were by our side, and could remain with us but a short time. In that case we should speak only of those things which were of the greatest importance, and express them at once as clearly and concisely as possible; and pleasantly, didactically, modestly, feel- ingly, or otherwise, according to their nature and the party whom we address. Letters of Compliment, Inquiry, and Con- gratulation. Politeness, and the forms of society, fre- quently require us to write letters of com- pliment, inquiry, or condolence, to those with whom we are upon the slightest pos- sible terms of intimacy. Such letters, which are generally supposed to be the most difficult, are, in fact, the most easy of execution; for the circumstance which calls for the letter, affords us a subject; to this the letter must be restricted. It is true, that there is a graceful manner ETIQUETTE OF CORRESPONDENCE. 75 of framing an inquiry and making a com- pliment, and this manner it is vain to seek for, by labor, at the moment the letter is required; if it be difficult to compose, it will seen studied, heartless, and inelegant in ex- pression. Simplicity and ease impart the chief grace that can be given to a condoling or complimentary note. Jealousy to be Avoided. A letter of congratulation should be as the thornless rose: the least appearance of envy, or jealousy, at the good fortune of those whom we felicitate, is unpardonable; it should contain no hint of any hope that the advancement, or change of situation, upon which the compliment is made, may afford the person addressed the means of conferring a benefit on the party writing. It should, in fact, be an unmixed expression of pleasure and congratulation on the event that calls for its production. Care must, nevertheless, be taken to keep within due bounds; to ex- aggerate in our congratulations, is to become keenly satirical. In a letter of congratulation we should be cheerful; from an epistle of condolence all pleasantry should be banished: to exhibit the wit which we possess, at such a time, is like smiling at a funeral, to display a beauti- ful set of teeth. When addressing a person who is laboring under any grievous cal- amity, it is bad taste to make light of it; by treating that loss as a matter which a little firmness would enable the party who has suffered it, to endure calmly, we irritate, rather than soothe. It is better to enter into the feelings of the mourner—to eulogize the departed relation—to rebuke the ingrati- tude of the false friend—to confess the inconstancy of fortune, or otherwise, accord- ing to the circumstances; and, without magnifying, to lament the affliction. A celebrated lady, in a letter of condol- ence to a friend, uses this language:—“The 1nore I think on the loss you have just met with, the greater it appears, and the more it affects me. He was, indeed, worthy of be- ing the head of such a family as yours, and can never be replaced ' We have every rea- Son to believe that he is happy; we should weep for ourselves, therefore, rather than for him. My heart grieves for your situation; it will be long ere you can console yourself for such a separation. If I were mistress of my own actions, I would certainly abandon every thing to be near you.” This language is balm to the wounded mind, which rejects consolation from those who do not seem sensible of the extent of the Sorrow under which it labors. Such a subject must, nevertheless, be treated with a delicate hand, for, by exaggeration, we should aggravate rather than console. Letters of Recommendation. A letter of recommendation is a letter of business, and should be composed with care: it is a guarantee to the extent of language, for the party recommended ; truth, there- fore, should never be sacrificed to coudescen- sion, false kindness or politeness. To write a letter of recommendation contrary to one's own opinion and knowledge of the person recommended, is to be guilty of a great imprudence. To say all that is necessary, in a clear and distinct manner, and nothing more, is the grand merit of a letter on business. Pleas- antry and pathos would be greatly misplaced in it, unless it be of a mixed nature; that is, necessarily, or properly, embracing some other subject. Brilliant diction is a dress in which directions on business should never be clothed. The style ought to be precise, suf. ficiently copious, but not redundant. Every thing necessary should be stated, plainly and 76 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. unequivocally; so that the party addressed may be in full possession of our desires and opinions, on the subject of our correspond- ence. Ambiguity is nowhere so unpardon- able as in a letter on business. Letters of Advice. It is a maxim with the discreet, never to give advice until they have been thrice asked for it; in many instances, to volunteer it, is to be offensive to those whom you wish to benefit; it is much more pleasant to give than to receive it. Unsolicited counsel is a bitter draught; and even those who crave your opinions, will feel themselves offended if you be forward, as well as frauk, in reply- ing to them. A mendicant implored alms; the party whom the unfortunate man ad- dressed, instead of relieving his necessities, told him he was strong and youthful, and should rather work, than live by begging. “I asked you for money,” replied the mendi- cant, “not for advice.” People, in general, are but too prone to take the same course : they are applied to for succor, and, in return, they give counsel. A friend should, perhaps, give advice to a friend, if he should see occasion to do so, however unpalatable it may be ; but, in gen- eral, we cannot be too sparing of our counsel. It is a foolish, but 11ot an uncominon prac- tiče, to ask advice on an act which has been performed, as young folks sometimes engage themselves to be 1married, and then ask advice of the old folks; in such a case it is useless, in reply, to adopt such terms as “If I had the direction of the affair, I would have acted otherwise ; ” or, “I would rather you had done so and so.” If you cannot approve what is irrevocable, be silent upon the subject. If, however, you should be, in some measure, compelled to give another your counsel, be prodigal of conciliatory, and sparing of positive, phrases. “With deference to your own judgment, it seems to me; ” “I may be mistaken ; you are, doubt- less, the best qualified to judge; I, therefore, Inerely submit,” and similar expressions, will Save you from being offensive, and, at the same time, afford you a graceful manner of expressing the opinions which your con- Science dictates on the occasion. Use of the Third Person. It is a matter of surprise, that any person who has received a tolerable education, and is at all versed in the forms of good society, should fall into so gross an error, as to use the first person at the conclusion of a note which has been commenced in the third; and yet this is sometimes the case. For example: “Miss Johnson presents her com- pliments to Mr. Brooks, and begs to be in- formed at what hour Mr. Brooks intends to start for Philadelphia to-morrow, as I particu- larly wish to see him before his departure; and remain, sir, yours sincerely,” etc. Such 11egligence and inelegance are so obvious, that they may be easily avoided. Notes written in the third person, are frequently rendered ambiguous, and some- times quite unintelligible, by a confusion of the personal pronouns; which, unless the sentences be carefully constructed, seem to apply equally well to the writer as to the receiver. There is a French anecdote re- lated, of a rather ludicrous mistake arising from the ambiguity of a letter written by one friend to another, in the third person. Monsieur A. addressed Monsieur B. who dwelt at some distance from the town where Monsieur A. resided, in these terms:– “Monsieur A. presents his compliments to his friend, Monsieur B., and has the satis- faction of informing him, that he has just been appointed, by government, to the luc- rative and honorable post of, etc. [naming the office], in his native town.” On receipt ETIQUETTE OF CORRESPONDENCE. 77 of this letter, B. posted, with all possible speed, to throw himself at the feet of A., and, with the warmest expressions of grati- tude, thanked his supposed benefactor. A. was amazed, and earnestly inquired the cause of B.'s raptures. “How !” exclaimed B., “have I not sufficient reason to be grateful? Have you not obtained for me the important post of so and so?” “Not at all, my dear friend,” replied A., “it is / who have been appointed to the office; and I wrote to acquaint you of the circumstance, thinking you would be happy to hear of your old companion's excellent fortune.” B. perused the note again, and discovered that, like one of the ancient oracles, it contained two mean- ings which were directly opposite to each other. Notes written in the third person, are fre- quently used, on ordinary occasions, between equals in age or rank, to make a reply to any request; to convey civil inquiries, or compli- ments, etc. For these and similar purposes, this form is elegant and unexceptionable. Manner of Replying to Letters. Every letter, that is not insulting, merits a reply, if it be required or necessary. All the preceding observations, with regard to rank, age, etc., are, of course, applicable to replies. If the letter contains a request, accede to it gracefully, and without Ostenta- tion, or refuse without harshness. An answer to a letter of condolence, or congratulation, should be grateful. The subjects should succeed each other in proper order; and the questions put, be consecutively answered. In familiar correspondence, a greater latitude of arrangement is allowed; but even in this, no question should be left unanswered. In all replies, it is usual to acknowledge the receipt, and to mention the date, of the last letter received: this should be an invariable rule; by neglecting it, your correspondent may be left in doubt; or very properly deem you guilty of offensive inattention. Correct Punctuation. Punctuation is a 1matter of the utmost importance in every species of literary com- position ; it has been properly termed, the very marshalling and arranging of the words of a language; without it, there can be no clearness, strength, or accuracy. Its utility consists in separating the different portions of what is written, in such a manner that the subjects may be properly classed and subdivided, so as to convey the precise mean- ing of the writer to the reader; to show the relation which the various parts bear to each other; to unite such as ought to be con- nected, and keep apart such as have no mutual dependence. It is a circumstance very 1much to be lamented, that so little attention is paid to punctuation. As there is no positive system of punctuation to direct the writer, the modern editions of good authors should be carefully studied, in order to acquire the leading principles of the science. The con- struction of sentences may be examined, and the mode adopted of dividing them, attended to with considerable advantage. It is a good plan, for improvement in pointing, to copy a page of some standard work, without capi- tals or points; and, after it has been laid aside for a few days, to endeavor to write it again with the proper points; by a subse- quent comparison with the original, the writer may discover his errors, and guard against similar blunders in his future exer- cises. It is not to be expected that he will attain, by these, or any other means, the power of pointing a page, in complete ac- cordance with a printed work ; but he will, no doubt, acquire a degree of knowledge and experience in punctuation, which cannot 78 FOR ALL OCCASIONS. RULES OF ETIQUETTE fail to be of considerable utility to him in his future epistolary productions. In order to show the necessity of not merely using points, but punctuating prop- erly, the following passage from a work on this subject, in which it is given as a study, but without any key, is submitted to the reader: “The persons inside the coach were Mr. Link a clergyman his son a lawyer Mr. Boscat a foreigner his lady and a little child.” As this passage stands, without points, it is unintelligible: by different modes of punctuating it, several alterations may be made in its sense; not only as to the number of persons in the coach, but, also, as to their country, professions and relationship to each other. By a change of points, the lady may be described as the wife of either one of two persons; Mr. Link's son may be made a clergyman or a lawyer, at will; or his son may be taken from him and given to a clergyman, whose name is not mentioned. We shall give three or four different modes of punctuating this passage. The reader may, if he think fit, amuse, and, at the same time, convince himself of the propriety of attending to the proper use of stops, by a number of variations;–each of them cor- rect in itself, at the same time, endowing the words with a different signification : “The persons inside the coach were Mr. Link, a clergyman, his son, a lawyer, Mr. Boscat, a foreigner, his lady and a little child.” By this mode of pointing, it would appear that there were eight individuals in the coach ; namely—a clergyman, a lawyer, a foreigner and his lady, a little child, Mr. Link, Mr. Boscat, and the clergyman's son. “The persons inside the coach were Mr. Link, a clergyman; his son, a lawyer; Mr. Boscat, a foreigner; his lady; and a little cllild.” This change in the punctuation would reduce the parties in the coach, exclusive of the lady and child, to three persons, and make Mr. Link himself a clergyman, Mr. Link's son a lawyer, and Mr. Boscat a for- eigner. “The persons inside the coach were Mr. Link; a clergyman, his son; a lawyer, Mr. Boscat ; a foreigner, his lady, and a little child.” Here Mr. Link's son becomes a clergy- Iman, Mr. Boscat a lawyer, and the lady and child those of a foreigner, who is nameless. “The persons inside the coach were Mr. Link; a clergyman, his son ; a lawyer; Mr. BOScat ; a foreigner, his lady; and a little cllild.” Mr. Boscat here ceases to be a lawyer; there is no longer a foreigner who is the hus- band of the lady and the father of the child; but the lady is described as being a foreigner, and Mr. Boscat’s wife; and the child is not understood as being akin to any person in the coach. Droll Mistalkes. Many laughable errors of misplac punctuation, words and clauses of sentences, might be mentioned. A tourist writing from Switzerland said : “The distance was too great for a donkey to travel, therefore I did not attempt it.” If anyone had called this traveller what he here calls himself, he would probably have considered himself grossly insulted. Another writer stated that “a copy of Macaulay's History of England was sold by the auctioneer bound in calf.” It is not likely that the auctioneer considered himself complimented by the assertion that he was bound in this kind of material. A local newspaper contained the astonish- ETIQUETTE OF CORRESPONDENCE. 79 ing statement: “We have just built a school- house for girls four stories high.” The girls in this place were remarkably tall or else the writer intended to say, “We have just built a new school-house four stories high for girls.” A woman wrote, “I wish to sell my piano, for I am going to Europe in a rosewood case with carved legs.” It is diffi- cult to determine which had the “carved legs”—the piano, the rosewood case, or the WO1113.11. A clergyman wrote, “A young woman died yesterday while I was preaching in the street in a state of beastly intoxication.” It is supposed that he intended to say that a young woman died yesterday in the street, in a state of beastly intoxication, while he was preaching, for it is not to be believed that a clergyman was beastly drunk. Another minister wrote, “I well remem- per when I was riding across the prairie with my beloved wife who has long since gone to heaven in a buggy.” As there are doubts about the beloved woman making lier exit from this world in a buggy, it is presumed that the clergyman was riding across the prairie in a buggy with his beloved wife, and that subsequent to that event she took her departure heavenward. A school report says, “There should be some improvement in the internal arrange- ments of the primary School-room, as many of the seats have long been occupied by small children that have no backs.” As “small children that have no backs” would prob- ably be too feeble to attend school, it is supposed that the seats were without backs, not the children. An advertisement reads, “A gentleman would let his house, going abroad, to a small family with 1modern improvements.” It is difficult to know what modern improvements there have been in Small families, or how a house would look going abroad, so we con. clude that the improvement belongs to the ^ouse, and that it is the gentleman who is going abroad. These errors are constantly occurring, even in letters of educated persons, and a lengthy chapter might be written upon the subject. There are also errors of contradiction of terms, vulgarly called “bulls,” such as the statement of the Irishman, who said, “The empty Seats are all full, and the next time I ride in that car, I’ll walk, sure.” A request was handed into the pulpit as follows: “A man going to sea, his wife de- sires the prayers of the congregation for his Safety.” The pastor, in the dimness of old age, startled the congregation by reading, “A man going to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.” A lady sent a note to a neighbor as follows: “Mrs. Robinson would like to know how old, Mrs. Parsons is to-day;” and received a reply from the younger Mrs. Parsons in the family, saying, “she did not think her age was any business of the neighbors.” “The fact was, Mrs. Robinson had put a comma after old, and the younger Mrs. Parsons did not realize that the inquiry was concern- ing the health of her aged mother-in-law. A toast was given at a public dinner as follows: “Woman, without her, man is a brute,” but the printer spoiled the sentiment by misplacing a comma, and it became “woman without her man, is a brute.” Postscripts. The ladies have been accused, probably with Some reason, of reserving the most important part of a letter for the postscript; they should endeavor to avoid giving cause for being thus reproached. Postscripts are, for the most part, needless, and in bad taste. Pause a few moments before you conclude a letter, and reflect whether you have any 8O RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. thing more to say. Above all things, do not defer civilities, or kind inquiries, for any friend or acquaintance, to this justly-despised part of a letter. To do so, is a proof of thoughtlessness or disrespect. “My kindest regards to my cousin Frances,” with a P. S. before it, looks like what it really is—an after-thought; and is, therefore, not only without value, but, to persons of fine feel- ings, offensive. The Proper Form of Address. The style of address should vary to suit the person addressed. In writing to strangers, you should address them as “Sir,” or “Madam,” ending the letter with, “Your obedient servant.” To those with whom you are tolerably acquainted, you should say, “Dear Sir,” or, “Dear Madam,” ending your letter with “Yours faithfully.” To your intimate friends, you should say, “My dear Sir,” or, “My dear Madam,” ending the letter with, “Yours truly,” “Yours very truly,” “Yours sincerely,” or, “Yours very sincerely.” It is allowable to use the form, “My dear Sir,” even to strangers; but it is always best to be cautious in this matter. In addressing a clergyman, use the form, “Reverend and dear Sir.” To a bishop Say, “Right Reverend and dear Sir.” Custom has made it proper, in addressing the President of the United States, or the Governor of a State of the Union, to use the form, “Your Excellency.” It is proper, in addressing the President, to say, “Mr. Presi- dent,” which is his official title. The Vice- President is addressed as “The Honorable.” Cabinet officers and heads of departments are addressed as follows: “The Honorable -, Secretary of the Treasury,” etc. The Chief Justice of the United States is addressed as “The Honorable , Chief Justice of the United States.” Members of the two Houses of Congress, 1members of the Legislatures of States, and all judges of courts of law and justice, are entitled to be addressed as “The Honorable.” Officers of the army and navy are addressed by their titles, as “General Nelson A. Miles,” “Captain ,” “Admiral ,” etc. The members of the faculty of a college are addressed as “Professor,” and where they possess an additional title, such as “D.D.,” “LL. D.,” etc., it is added after the name, as, “Prof. Theophilus Dwight, LL.D.” Ordinary persons are addressed as “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” or “Miss.” Gentlemen are some- -times called “Esqr.” You may write “James Jarman, Esqr.,” or “Mr. James Jarman,” as you think best, but both titles must not be employed at once. In addressing the minister or ambassador accredited from a foreign country to the United States, it is customary to use the form “Your Excellency,” giving him also his full title, which must be previously ascer- tained. In England, where the constitution of society requires exactness in the use of titles, the following are the forms used : A letter to the Queen should begin, “Madam,” “Most Gracious Sovereign,” or “May it please your Majesty.” The envelope should be addressed, “To the Queen’s Most Excellent Majesty.” A letter to the Prince of Wales should begin, “Your Royal Highness.” The envel- ope should be addressed, “To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” A letter to a member of the Royal family should begin, “Sir,” or, “Madam,” or, “Your Royal Highness.” The envelope should be addressed, “To His Royal High- ness the Duke of Edinburgh,” “To Her Royal Highness the Princess Mary of Teck,” etC. LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE. | | - ||||||||| - | º | º | ". | º | WHAT WILL HER FORTUNE HEP --- \ º º º CHAPTER XI. Proper Forms for Letters. VERY person who has much corres- pondence to attend to, will appre- ciate the convenience of having forms of well-written letters at hand for the vari- ous occasions on which such forms are required. If you are averse to copying these, they will nevertheless be suggestive, and give an idea as to the subject matter of epistolary communications, and the manner of writing them. These letters are grouped under various heads for the convenience of persons desiring to use them. Business letters may be found in a subse- quent part of this work, where they properly belong. 4a as Jºſé44, Jºerce. /0, /& 67. 2% Seaw &etc. . º/-ace Čečev 24 %ay. 27tſ. co-nees to nee. Čée Cº., &ce-a-tá. £eo-me £o-act Cº-ºxº~%.” w-o-º/4 4ezo-ed. £4.e. Sze-a-. 82&eve ºce’, J tec-à-to-cate a Č 9-o-º-º: 2-o-o-º: w-cºee, a ce. ta^e. tºº o-c-e-a-3 co-ºc to- ©e-º-e-tº- &as_e we cºnvects. o/ te's filect a rocº a 4ectºo-re £o-e 22-wee'4, w-44-4. Ct 4.a.s. &ee e *% filtºv-Čeze to eactetta ºne £o-e Š-o- 42-reg. Q. tênce. Jºe &e 4…sº %a-we- eſ exactérez. Čača-tº", .9 teca.4% acctſ. fl-4-a-wee £4.e. c-4-e-tee £véeeds. w-4 one & 4 as 4 eeae *9. 4a6-39. Zo-t to meeet. Jºnee clo-e’s co-t cºst, &act 40.2%tereº, £4.e. Čečs, 24 £4.e. 2,244 ele cºaº.e. %ctſ. ev-e-egº 2-o-o-º: w-à-4. £o-e £o-º-º- fl-e-tº-2 read 4eadé4 area. e”-ºneeret, J a’%, a & e-tº-e-tº, (ſo-w tº $2 neo-sº wereeeeeº, ~/(e. Jamees. J. 3.e44., 6%atºes, See***. 82 sºare, J/ a $23. 81 82 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. A MOTHER TO H E R DAUGHTER |N A BOARD | NG SCHOOL THE ANSWER FAMILY LETTERS. BOSTON, February 7, 189—. MY DEAR CHILD : Although we are separated in person, yet you are never absent from my thoughts; and it is my continual practice to recommend you to the care of that Being, whose eyes are on all his creatures, and to whom the secrets of all hearts are open : but I have been lately somewhat alarmed, because your two last letters do not run in that strain of unaffected piety as formerly. What, my dear, is this owing to ? Is your beneficent Creator a hardmaster, or are you resolved to embark 1n the fashionable follies of a gay unthinking world 2 Excuse me, my dear, I am a mother, and 1my concern for your happiness is inseparably connected with my own. Perhaps I am mistaken, and, what I have considered as a fault may be only the effusions of youthful gaiety. I shall con- sider it in that light, and be extremely glad, yea, happy, to find it so. Useful instruc- tions are never too often inculcated, and therefore, give me leave again to put you in mind of that duty, the performance of which alone can make you happy, both in time and in eternity. Religion, my dear, is a dedication of the whole man to the will of God, and virtue is the actual operation of that truth, which diffuses itself through every part of our conduct : “her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.” Whilst the gay unthinking part of youth are devoting the whole of their time to fashionable pleasures, how happy shall I be to hear that my child was religious without hypocritical austerity, and even gay with innocence! Let me beg that you spend at 1east one hour each day in perusing your Bible, and some of our best English writers; and don't imagine that religion is such a gloomy thing as some enthusiasts have represented : no, it indulges you in every rational amusement, so far as it is consistent with morality;-it forbids nothing but what is hurtful. Let me beg you will consider attentively what I have written, and send me an answer as Soon as you can. I am your affectionate mother. NORTHAMPTON, February 10, 189–. My DIEAR MOTHER : I am so much affected with the perusal of your really parental advice, that I can scarcely hold the pen to write an answer; but duty to the best of parents obliges me to make you easy in your mind, before I take any rest to myself. That levity so con- spicuous in my former letters, is too true to be denied, nor do I desire to draw a veil over my own folly. No, mother, I freely confess it ; but with the greatest sincerity, I must at the same time declare, that they were written in a careless manner, without considering the character of the person to whom they were addressed : I am fully sensible of my error, and on all future occasions, shall endeavor to avoid giving the 1east offense. The advice you sent me in your valuable letter, wants no encomium ; all that I desire is, to have it engraven on my heart. My dear mother, I love religion, I love virtue, and I hope no consideration will ever lead me from those duties, in which alone I expect future happiness. Let me beg to hear from you often, and I hope that my whole future conduct will convince the best of parents, that I am what she wishes me to be. I am, dear mother, your dutiful daughter. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 83 A YOUNG CLERK TO HIS FATHER IN THE COUNTRY, 8OLICITING POCKHT-MONEY THE FATHER'S ANSWER A SON TO HIS FATHER, ASKING CONSENT TO MARRY PHILADELPIIIA, March 4, 189-. MY DEAR FATHER : I wrote to you by Mr. Bale, but not having received any answer makes me very uneasy. Although I have been as good an economist as possible, yet I find the pocket- money you allowed me to take monthly from Mr. Willis, is not sufficient to support my necessary expenses. I assure you, that I abhor every sort of extravagance as much as you desire, and the small matter which I ask as an addition to your former allowance, is only to promote my own interest, which, I am sure, you have as much at heart as any parent possibly can have. My employer will satisfy you, that my conduct has been consistent with the strictest rules of morality. I submit it to your judgment what you think proper to order me. I did not choose to mention my want of money to Mr. Willis, and for that reason have not taken anything more than what you ordered. I hope you will not be offended with what I have written ; as I shall always consider myself happy in performing my duty, and retaining the favor of my honored parents. I am, your affectionate son. BIRMINGHAM, PA., March 15, 189—. MY DEAR CIIILD : My reason for not writing to you sooner was that I had been on a journey to your uncle's, where I was detained longer than I expected, and consequently did not see your letter till last night. I have considered your request, and am convinced that it is alto- gether reasonable. You are greatly mistaken if you think that I wanted to confine you to the small matter paid to Mr. Willis. No, it was indeed inadvertency; but my constant residence in the country makes me little acquainted with the customs of Philadelphia. I do not desire to confine you to any particular sum ; you are now arrived to an age when it becomes absolutely necessary for you to be well acquainted with the value of money; your profession likewise requires it, and it is well known, that prudence and sobriety in youth, naturally lead to regularity of conduct in more advanced years. Virtue insures respect ; and, as I well know that all manner of precepts are useless where the inclinations are vicious, I have left the affair mentioned in your letter entirely to your own discretion ; and as the inclosed order is unlimited, I doubt not but prudence will direct you how to proceed. I am, dear child, your affectionate father. CHARLESTON, S. C., June 1, 189—. MY DEAR FATHER : You know that it is now above a year since I entered into business for myself, and finding it daily increasing, I am obliged to look out for a partner; I mean a wife. There is a very worthy family in this neighborhood, with whom I have been some time acquainted. They are in good circumstances, and have a daughter, an amiable young woman, greatly esteemed by all who know her : I have paid my addresses to her, and 1ikewise obtained her parents' consent, on condition that it was agreeable to you. I would not do anything of that nature without your consent; but I hope that, upon the strictest inquiry, you will find her such a person, that you will not have any objection to a match so advantageous. I shall, on every occasion, endeavor to act with the greatest prudence, consistent with the rules you were pleased to prescribe for my conduct. Her parents are to pay me five hundred dollars on the day of marriage, if the event should happen to take place; and as they have no other children, the whole of their property becomes ours at their death. In whatever light you are pleased to consider this, I shall abide by your direction, and your answer in the meantime is impatiently expected by, Your obedient son. 84 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. MOBILE, A.I.A., June 15, 189—, MY DEAR SON : THE FATHER'S I received your letter, and my reason for not answering it sooner is, that it being ANSWER an affair of great importance I was willing to proceed therein with the greatest caution. I wrote to Mr. Johnson, my particular friend, desiring him to inquire concerning the family you desired to be allied with, and I am glad to hear that his account does not differ from your own. I hope you do not think that I would desire to see you one moment unhappy. Your reasons for entering into the marriage state are every way satisfactory, and I am glad to hear that the person on whom you have placed your affections is so deserving. When you have fixed the wedding day, I will come to Charles- ton to be present at the ceremony. I hope you will continue to attend to your business with the same diligence you have hitherto done; and if you should live to an old age, you then will be able to retire from trade with honor both to yourself and family. I am, your affectionate father. MOUNT HOLLY, N.J., Sept. 9, 189—. DEAR BROTHER : AN ELDER I am very glad to hear you are pleased with the new situation in which the care of ... your friends has put you, but I would have you pleased, not with the novelty of it, but BROTHER IN with the real advantage. It is natural for you to be glad you are under less restraint PHILADELPHIA than you were ; for an employer has neither occasion nor inclination to watch a youth so much as his parents. But if you are not careful, this, although it now gives you a childish satisfaction, may, in the end, betray you into mischief; nay, to your ruin. Though your father is not in sight, dear brother, act always as if you were in his presence; and be assured, that what would not offend him, will never displease anybody. You have more sense (I have often told you so), than most persons at your time. Now is the opportunity to make a good use of it; and take this for certain, every right step you enter upon now, will be a comfort to you for your life. I would have your reason, as well as your fancy, pleased with your new situation, and then you will act as becomes you. Consider, brother, that the state of life that charms you so at this time, will bring you to independence and aſſluence. The employer with whom you are placed, was some years ago in your situation; and what should hinder you from being hereafter in his 2 A11 that is required is patience and industry; and these, brother, are very cheap articles, with which to purchase so comfortable a condition. Your employer, I am told, llad nothing to begin the world withal. In that he was worse off than you; for if you behave well, there are those who will set you up in a handsome manner. So you have sufficient inducements to be good, and a reward always follows it. Brother, ſarewell ! Be careful and honest, and God will bless you. If ever you commit a fault, confess it at once ; for the lie in denying it is worse than the thing itself. Go to church constantly; write to us often. I think I need say no more to so good a lad as you, to induce you to continue so. I am, your affectionate brother. CHICAGO, Feb. 9, 189–. My DEAR GILBERT : WIFE'S LETTER I have been playing and laughing with our little girl so long that I cannot take To AN ABSENT up my pen to address you without emotion. Pressing her to my bosom, she looked so HUSBAND like you (your best looks,—I do not admire your commercial face), every nerve seemed, to vibrate to the touch, and I began to think there was something in the assertion of man and wife being one ; for you seemed to pervade my whole frame, quickening the beat of my heart, and lending me the sympathetic tears you excited. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS 85 LETTER BY AMOS LAWRENCE TO H IS BROTHER ABBOTT LETTER OF AMOS LAWRENCE TO HIS MOTHER Have I any more to say to you ? No, not for the present—the rest is all flown away ! and indulging tenderness for you, I cannot now complain of some people here who have ruffled my temper for two or three days past. Yours, most affectionately, MARY. BOSTON, March I I, 1815. MY DEAR BROTHER : I have thought best, before you go abroad, to suggest a few hints for your benefit in your intercourse with the people among whom you are going. As a first and leading principle, let every transaction be of that pure and honest character that you would not be ashamed to have appear before the whole world as clearly as to yourself. In addition to the advantages arising from an honest course of conduct with your fellow-men, there is the satisfaction of reflecting within yourself that you have endeavored to do your duty ; and however greatly the best may fall short of doing all they ought, they will be sure not to do more than their principles enjoin. It is, therefore, of the highest consequence that you should not only cultivate correct principles, but that you should place your standard of action so high as to require great vigilance in living up. to it. In regard to your business transactions, let everything be so registered in your books that any person without difficulty can understand the whole of your concerns, You may be cut off in the midst of your pursuits, and it is of no small consequence that your temporal affairs should always be so arranged that you may be in readiness. If it is important that you should be well prepared in this point of view, how much more important is it that you should be prepared in that which relates to eternity You are young, and the course of life seems open, and pleasant prospects greet you! ardent hopes; but you must remember that the race is not always to the swift, and that however flattering may be your prospects, and however zealously you may seek pleasure, you can never find it except by cherishing pure principles and practicing right conduct. My heart is full on this subject, my dear brother, and it is the only one on which I feel the least anxiety. * While here your conduct has been such as to meet my entire approbation ; but the scenes of another land may be more than your principles will stand against. I say, may be, because young men of as fair promise as yourself have been lost by giving a small latitude (innocent in the first instance) to their propensities. But I pray the Father of all mercies to have you in his keeping, and preserve you amid temptations. I can only add my wish to have you write me frequently and particularly, and that you will embrace every opportunity of gaining information. Your affectionate brother, AMOS LAWRENCE. TO ABBOTT LAWRENCE. August 16, 1835. My DEAR AND HONORED MOTHER : My mind turns back to you almost as frequently as its powers are brought into separate action, and always with an interest that animates and quickens my pulse; for, under God, it is by your influence and teachings that I am prepared to enjoy those blessings which He has so richly scattered in my path in all my onward progress in life. How could it be otherwise than that your image should be with me, unless I should prove wholly unworthy of you? Your journey is so much of it performed that those subjects which interested you greatly in its early stages have lost their charms; and well it is that they have ; for they now would prove clogs in the way, and it is to your 86 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. JOHN ADAMS TO HIS WIFE ABIGAIL ADAMS TO JOHN ADAMS children, to your Saviour, and your God that your mind and heart now turn as the natural sources of pleasure. Each of these, I trust, in their proper place and degree supply all your wants. The cheering promise that has encouraged you when your powers were the highest will not fail you when the weight of years and infirmities have made it necessary to your comfort to get over the ſew remaining spans of the journey. To God I commend you ; and pray Hium to make your path light, and your way confiding and joyful, until you shall reach that home prepared for the faithful. Your affectionate son, A. LAWRENCE, PIIILADELPHIA, Feb. II, 1776. MY DIAR WIFE : Here I am again ; arrived last Thursday in good health, although I had a cold journey. The weather a great part of the way was very severe, which prevented our making very quick progress. My companion was agreeable, and made the journey much less tedious than it would have been. I can form no judgment of the state of public opinion arid principles here as yet, nor any conjectures of what an hour may bring forth. Have been to meeting, and heard Mr. Duffield from Jere. 2: 17: “Hast thou not procured this unto thyselſ, in that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God when he led thee by the way 2 ” He prayed very earnestly for Boston and New York, supposing the latter to be in danger of destruction ; I, llowever, am not convinced that Vandeput will fire upon that town. It has too much Tory property to be destroyed by Tories. I hope it will be ſortiſied and saved. If not, the question may be asked, “Hast thou not pro- cured this P’’ etc. To-111orrow Dr. Smith is to deliver an oration in honor of the brave Montgomery. I will send it as soon as it is out to you. * There is a deep anxiety, a kind of thoughtſul inelancholy, and in some a lowness of spirits approaching to despondency, prevailing through the Southern colonies at present, very similar to what Illave often observed in Boston, particularly on the first news of tie Port Bill, and last year about this time, or a little later, when the bad news arrived which dashed their ſond hopes with which they had deluded themselves through the winter. In this or a similar condition we shall remain I think until 1ate in the spring, when some critical event will take place, perhaps sooner. But the Arbiter of events, the Sovereign of the world, only knows which way the torrent will be turned. Judging by experience, by probabilities, and by all appearances, I conclude it will roll on to dominion and glory—though the circumstances and conse- quences may be bloody. In such great clanges and commotions individuals are but atoms. It is scarcely worth while to consider what the consequences will be to us. What will be the effects upon present and future millions, and millions of millions, is a question very interesting to benevolence, natural and Christian. God grant they may, and I firmly believe they will, be happy. BRAINTREE, Saturday Evening, 2d March, 1776. MY DEAR, I was greatly rejoiced at the return of your servant to find you had safely arrived, and that you were well. I had never heard a word from you after you had left New York, and a most ridiculous story had been industriously propagated in this and neigh- boring towns to injure the cause and blast your reputation, namely, that you and your President (Hancock) had gone aboard a man-of-war and sailed for England. I should not mention so idle a report, but that it had given uneasiness to some of your friends; not that they in the least credited the report, but because the gaping vulgar swallowed the story. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 87 LETTER OF CHARLES SUMNER ON LEAVING FOR EUROPE, TO HIS SłSTER, TEN YEARS OLD A LETTER OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN TO HIS SISTER I assure you that such high disputes took place in the public-house of this parish that Some men were collared and dragged out of the shop with great threats for reporting such scandalous lies, and an uncle of ours offered his life as a forfeit for you if the report proved true. However, it has been a nine days' marvel, and will now cease. I heartily wish every Tory was extirpated from America. They are continually by secret means undermining and injuring our cause. I have been kept in a continual state of anxiety and expectation ever since you left me. It has been said “to-morrow ’’ and “to-morrow ’’ for this month, but when to- morrow will be I know not. But hark | The house this instant shakes with the roar of cannon. I have been to the door, and find that it is a cannonading from our army. Orders, I find, are come for all the remaining militia to repair to the lines Monday night by twelve o'clock. No sleep for me to-night; but if I cannot, who have no guilt upon my Soul in regard to this cause, how shall the miserable wretches who have been the procurers of this dreadful scene, and those who are to be the actors, lie down with the load of guilt upon their souls 2 Adieu. Yours, Astor House, New York, Dec. 7, 1837. MY DEAR JULIA, I don't remember that I ever wrote you a letter. I feel confident, however, that your correspondence is not very extensive ; and therefore I flatter myself that what I write you will be read with attention, and I trust, also, deposited in your heart. Before trusting myself to the sea, let me say a few words to you which shall be my good-by. I have often spoken to you of certain habits of personal care, which I will not here more particularly refer to than by asking you to remember all I have told you. I am very glad, Iny dear, to remember your cheerful countenance. I shall keep it in my mind as I travel over sea and land, and hope that when I return I may still find its pleasant Smile ready to greet me. Try never to cry. But above all things never be obstinate or passionate. If you find your temper mastering you, always stop till you count sixty before you say or do anything. Let it be said of you that you are always amiable, Love your father and mother, and brothers and sisters, and all your friends; cultivate an affectionate disposition. If you find that you can do anything which will add to the pleasure of your parents, or anybody else, be sure to do it. Consider every opportunity of adding to the pleasure of others as of the highest importance, and do not be unwilling to sacrifice some enjoy- ment of your own, even some dear plaything, if by doing so you can promote the happiness of others. If you follow this advice you will never be selfish or ungenerous, and everybody will love you. Study all the lessons you have at school, and when at home, in the time when you are tired of play, read some good books which will help to improve your mind. † If you will let Horace read this letter it will do the same, perhaps, as one addressed to him. Give my love to mother, and Mary, and the rest. Your affectionate brother, CHARLES. April 19, 1757. DEAR SISTER : I wrote a few lines to you yesterday, but omitted to answer yours relating to Sister Dowse. As having their own way is one of the greatest comforts of life to old people, I think their friends should endeavor to accommodate them in that, as well as anything else. When they have lived long in a house it becomes natural to them ; they are almost as closely connected with it as the tortoise with his shell ; they die if you tear them 88 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. LETTER OF JAMES A. GARF] ELD ON THE DEATH OF HHS CHILD LETTER OF JAMES A. G ARFIELD, DESCRIBING DORCHESTER out ; old folks and old trees, if you remove them, it is ten to one that you kill them. So let our good old sister be no more importuned on that head. We are growing old fast ourselves, and shall expect the same kind of indulgences : if we give them, we shall llave a right to receive them in our turn. And as to her few fine things, I thiuk she is right about selling them, and for the reason that she gives, that they will fetch but little; when that little is spent, they would be of no further use to her ; but perhaps the expectation of possessing them at her death may make that person tender and careful, and helpful to her to the amount of ten times their value. If so, they are put to the best use they possibly can be. I hope you will visit sister as often as your affairs will permit, and afford her what assistance and comfort you can in her present situation. Old age, infirmities, and poverty joined, are afflictions enough. The neglect and slights of near relatives and friends should never be added. People in her circumstances are apt to suspect this sometimes without cause. Appearances, therefore, should be attended to, in our conduct toward them, as well as relatives. I write by this post to Cousin Williams to continue his care, which I doubt not he will do. We expect to sail in about a week, so I shall hardly have time to hear from you on this side of the water. Your affectionate brother, BENJAMIN. WASHINGTON, D. C., Nov. 9, 1876. MY DEAR CORY DON : I arrived in this city yesterday afternoon, and found that your kind letter of the 2d inst, was awaiting me. Our precious little Eddie died on the 25th of October, and on the same evening 'Crete and I left with the body, and on the 27th we buried him beside our little girl, who died thirteen years ago. Both are lying in the graveyard at IIiram, and we have come back to those which are still left us, but with a desolation in our hearts known only to those who have lost a precious child. It seems to me that we are many years older than we were when our dear little boy died. His little baby ways so filled the house with joy that the silence he has left is heart-breaking. It needs all my philosophy and courage to bear it. It was hard to go on with the work of the great campaign with so great a grief in my heart, but I knew it was my duty, and I did it as well as I could. 'Crete joins me in my kindest regards to you and May. I hope the time may come when we can sit down and renew the memories of other days and enjoy a long visit. I am here now for the winter, and shall soon bé at work in the Supreme Court, where I am having a number of important cases. With as much love as ever, I am your friend and brother, JAMES A. GARFIELD. DORCHESTER HEIGHTS, Mass., Jan. 5, 1856. MY DEAR CORY DON AND MARY : - I want to pencil a few lines to you from this enchanting spot on the seashore, six miles from Boston, and when I return perhaps I will ink it in a letter to you. I am spending the night here with a classmate of mine, one of the dearest friends I have in college. I am now in an old house, every timber of oak, built more than one lıundred years ago. To one who has seen cities rise from the wild forest in the space of a dozen years, and has hardly ever seen a building older than himself, you may be assured that many reflections are awakened by the look of antiquity that everything has around me. The quaint old beams and panelled walls, the heavy double windows that look out ocean- ward, in short, the whole air of the building speaks of the days of the olden time. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 89 FROM A LITTLE GlrL, waNTING TO COME HOME THE ANSWER To think that these walls have echoed to the shouts of loyalty to George the king, have heard all the voices of the spirit stirring Revolution, the patriotic resolve, the tramp of the soldier's foot, the voice of the beloved Washington (for within a few rods of here he made his first Revolutionary encampment), the cannon of Bunker Hill, the lamentations of defeat and shouts of victory—all these cannot but awaken peculiar reflections. To how many that are now sleepers in the quiet chuchyard, or wanderers in the wide, cold world, has this been the dear ancestral hall where all the joys of childhood were clustered. Within this oaken-ceiled chamber how many bright hopes have been cherished and high resolves formed ; how many hours of serene joy, and how many heart-throbs of bitter anguish ' If these walls had a voice J would ask them to tell me the mingled scenes of joy and sorrow they have witnessed. But even their silence has a voice, and I love to listen. But without there is no silence, for the tempest is howling and the snows are drifting. The voice of the great waves, as they come rolling up against the wintry shore, speaks of Him “whose vaiac is as the sound of many waters.” Only a few miles from here is the spot where-- “The breaking waves dashed high On a stern and rock-bound coast, And the woods against a stormy sky Their giant branches tossed ; And the heavy night hung dark The hills and water o'er, When a band of Pilgrims moored their bark On the wild New England shore.” But the coal has sunk to the lowest bar in the grate beside me; 'tis far past the noon of night, and I must close. As ever, your own affectionate JAMES. AMENIA SEMINARY. DEAR MAMMA : O ! I am so tired of this place I cannot learn so many things at once; and I cannot bear going to bed without kissing you. You know, mamma, I have never been away from you before, and I feel as if I should die of grief if you do not let me come home again. Do, mamma, do, and I will love you for ever. t Your miserable child, PLANCHE. JERSEY CITY, Saturday, 16th. MY DEAR CHILD : I am sorry that you should pain me by so unreasonable a request. You know well that nothing pleases me more than to have all of you around me ; but you must recollect that all your brothers and sisters have been to school before you, and they never com- plained at all. I know that you, being the youngest, have been petted a great deal by all of us; but, for that very reason you ought to try and give us pleasure, by growing up a good and clever girl. Believe me, my dear child, you will find school become more pleasant every day, as you get better acquainted with your schoolfellows, and as your improvement gains the approval of your mistress. Youth, my dear little girl, is the proper time for exertion ; for if we once lose the precious hours of early life, we have naught to look back to but disappointment and regret. I have written to Mrs. to ask her to give you not quite so many lessons at first, and have no doubt she will do all to assist you. But you must try to be happy, and 90 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. ANNOUNCING THE VACATION ACKNOWLEDGING A PRESENT TO A DAUGHTER ON H E R BIRTHDAY look forward to the Christmas vacation as the reward of the little self-privation you are at present undergoing. With the united kind loves of your father, brothers and sisters, I am, my dear child, Your affectionate mother. WOODLAwN Hous E, June 1, 189—. MY DEAR PARENTS : It is with mingled feelings of regret and pleasure, that I announce that the termi- nation of this half year's work is fixed for the –th instant. I sincerely hope that I shall not only find you both in excellent health, but that you will be satisfied with my improvement since I last left home. No pains have been spared by any of my teachers to render me worthy of your good opinion ; and I must ever feel grateful both to them, and to yourselves, for the pains bestowed upon my education.’ Mrs. (or Miss) desires me to present her best compliments; and, with my best love to my sisters and brothers, believe me to remain, my dear parents, Your ever dutiful and affectionate daughter. RICHMOND, April 4, 189—. My DEAR FATHER : - * How kind of you to think of me immediately after your return from Paris | The trinkets you sent are so very beautiful, that I should have been afraid of exciting the envy of my school-fellows, had it not been for the liberal supply of French con- fectionery (of which, I assure you, very little now remains) by which they were acconi- panied. I assure you, I spare no trouble to win the good opinion of my school-mistress and teachers; and if I may judge from their kindness towards me, I am not altogether unsuccessful. * I am enjoying excellent health and spirits ; but I hope now you are in New York, you will sometimes run down and see your daughter; for, believe me, nothing but an occasional thought of poor, widowed papa, ever intrudes upon my cheerfulness. Mrs. — has frequently expressed a wish to see you, so that I shall look forward with anxiety for that happy occasion. Again thanking you for your thoughtful and liberal kindness, - Believe me to remain, my dear father, Your ever affectionate and grateful daughter. NEw ORI,EANs, February 12, 189—. MY DEAREST CHILD : Your father, brothers and sisters, all unite with me in sending you a thousand good wishes on this your —th anniversary. We could all have wished that circum- stances would have allowed of your spending it with us ; but feeling, in these matters, must oftentimes be sacrificed to utility, and our selfish delights must not be suffered to interfere with the prospects of those dear to us. The package which accompanies this letter, contains not only some trifling tokens of affection from all of us, but the materials for a little entertainment which, I have no doubt, Mrs. will allow you to give to your schoolfellows, as I have written to beg a half-holiday on the occasion. God bless you, my dear child ! and that every succeeding year may see you increase in all that is desirable in body and mind, is the earnest prayer of your ever anxious parents. With best compliments to your mistress and teachers, Believe me, Your ever affectionate mother. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 9 I FROM A BROTHER TO HIS MARRIED 8ISTER IN A FORE 1GN COUNTRY FROM A BROTHER IN THE COUNTRY TO HIS SISTER IN NEW YORK JNVITATION TO A BACHELOR PARTY AN INVITATION TO A PRIVATE DINNER NEW YORK, June 3, 189—. MY DEAR SISTER : We have been long impatiently expecting a letter from you The last we received was far too brief, as we were anxious to know more about the particulars of your voyage, and how you managed on your arrival at the place of destination. The distance which now separates us invests all that concerns you with a peculiar interest, and our anxiety on the subject of your welfare can only be allayed by as full and particular a recital as you can possibly write. Believe me, it is no mere curiosity that elicits this wish on our part to be better informed of all that befalls you ; as, since we have but too much reason to conclude that our meetings together are perhaps now forever closed, we are the more anxious to hear from you as often as possible, and I ain sure you will not withhold from us this pleasure. As for ourselves at home, little change has taken place since you left America; the health of our dear parents remains much the same ; as does also that of most of our relatives and connections. They all unite with me in wishing you and your husband all possible health and happiness, and I remain, my dear sister, Your affectionate brother, To Mrs. GALVESTON, Texas, September 4, 189—, MY DEAR SISTER : Not having heard from you for the last three months, I feel anxious to learn how you are at present situated, and what may be your future prospects. You have now been nearly three years with Mrs. , and the period for which you were articled to that lady draws to a close. I hope you have now formed some plan for the future; and whatever that plan may be, I shall, if you think proper to confide in me, be most willing and ready to give you my best advice and assistance. If you purpose having a short rest from business, and will come to Galveston for a few weeks, your sister-in-law, who unites with me in the kindest regards to you, will do her best to make that period pass agreeably. Pray write quickly to Your affectionate brother. LETTERS OF INVITATION. NEwARK, September II, 189—. MY DEAR Joe: Myself, and half a dozen other good fellows, are going to devote a few hours on Tuesday evening to the enjoyment of a few glasses of wine, chit-chat, and so on. I hope you will make one, as we have not enjoyed the “feast of reason and flow of soul” in each other's company for some time past. Believe me, dear Joe, Yours ever, HARRY. MADISON SQUARE, November 12, 189—. DEAR MR. ROBINSON : My old friend Richard Roy is coming to take a chop with me on Saturday the 15th, and I hope you will come and join us at six o'clock. I know you are not partial to large parties, so trust you will think us two sufficient company. Yours ever truly, 92 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. July 12, 189—. DEAR AN INVITATION TO Jack , myself, and four others are going down to Richmond in a six-oared A water PARTY boat next Wednesday. Now, you are a jolly fellow and a good steersman, So I hope you will give us your company and your services; indeed, we will take no excuse. We shall set out from my lodging at 9 o'clock, without fail. Yours truly, in haste, ALBANY, July 3, 189—. MY DEAR SIR : AN INVITATION TO We are endeavoring to get up a small excursion to visit the Catskills on the Ioth a picnic PARTY of this month. Will you do us the favor of making one of our number 2 Mrs. and my family desire their compliments, and request me to mention that they have taken upon themselves the task of providing the “creature comforts’’ for that occasion, and trust that their exertions will meet with unanimous approval. Should you have no previous engagement for that day, and feel disposed to join our party, a carriage will be at your door by Io o'clock on Thursday morning ; and believe me to be, My dear sir, yours most sincerely, TO , Esq. P.S.—The favor of an early answer will oblige. NEW YORK, July 20, 189—. MY DEAR SIR : ANOTHER, TO A May I hope that you will allow your boys and girls to join mine in an excursion to FATHER QF A Glen Cove on the 27th 2 We expect to make rather a large party, and have, therefore, FAMILY made arrangements to dine at the Cove House. In haste, believe me, my dear sir, yours ever sincerely, Mr. o NOTES OF INVITATION. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. James's company, on Wednesday evening next, at eight o'clock, to join a social party. An immediate answer will much oblige. Fifth Avenue, January 9th. AN INVITATION ANSWER Mr. and Mrs. James will be most happy to avail themselves of Mr. and Mrs. To The above, Thompson's kind invitation to join their social party as requested. ACCEPTING Houston Street, January 1oth. Mr. and Mrs. James greatly regret their inability to accept Mr. and Mrs. Thompson's kind invitation to join their social party. Nothing would have afforded them more pleasure than to be present, but family affliction prevents them. West Street, January 1oth. ANSWER, DECLINING MY DEAR BERTHA,-A few friends will be here on Wednesday evening next, to take To an INTIMATE a social cup of tea, and chát about mankind in particular. Give us the pleasure of your FRIEND company. S. BUCKMAN. Prince Street, Saturday morning. ñeply My DEAR SOPHIE,--It affords me great pleasure to inform you that I shall join your party, on Wednesday evening next. BERTHA MERWIN. Spring Street, Saturday afternoon. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 93 *ROM A GENTLEMAN TO HIS FRIEND CONTAINING AN INVITATION THE ANSWER ACCEPTING THE |NVITATION ANOTHER ANSWER CONTAINING AN EXCUSE FROM A LADY TO HER FEMALE FRIEND ORANGE, N.J., July 2, 189—. MY DEAR FRIEND : Being now settled at my country residence for the summer, Ilose no time in soliciting the pleasure of your company, together with that of your family, and trust that you will make it convenient to pass a month or six weeks with us in our rural retirement. I believe that you are too well aware of my friendship, to doubt every thing will be done to render your stay with us agreeable. My wife desires me to inform you, that unless you comply with this, our mutual request, your name will be erased from her good books. Very faithfully yours. WASHINGTON, D. C., July 4, 189–. MY DEAR SIR : Your very friendly and polite invitation demands my immediate attention. You may be assured, that I never willingly resign the pleasure of enjoying your society; and, on the present occasion, I am extremely happy to say, that I have nothing to prevent my acceptance of your very kind offer. You may, therefore, expect me and my family in the course of ten days. I hope we shall be able to prevail on you and your good lady to return with us. Requesting you to be assured, that I am truly sensible of your repeated acts of friendly attention towards me, I am, dear sir, with best wishes for your health and happiness (in which my wife unites), very affectionately, Yours truly. WASHINGTON, D.C., July 5, 189–. MY WORTHY FRIEND : I am truly obliged to you for your very friendly invitation, and sincerely lament that the pressure of my business prevents me at present from complying with it ; though I hope this will not induce your amiable lady to erase my name from her good books, especially as it is no fault of mine, my inclination being decidedly in favor of the visit. My family unite with me in the kindest remembrances to you all ; and I subscribe myself, Your obliged friend, LETTERS OF FIRIENDSHIP. No. 1519 GREENE STREET, May 2, 189—. MY DEAR GRACE : As I have never withheld even my most secret thoughts from you, I cannot avoid informing you, that since my last letter, I have received an offer of marriage from Mr. Dawson. This, you will perhaps say, has been long expected. True, my dear girl, but it is not, therefore, the less important; especially as my lover is very ardent in his professions, and my heart, could he discover its in most feelings, is no less repugnant to delay than his own. However, my dear girl, to confess the truth, I will inform you that I received the offer of his hand with all that rapture which derives its origin from pure love, and accepted with that candor, which I sincerely trust, I shall never (even for a moment) lose sight of Yes, my beloved friend, the most important action of your friend's life, on which all her future felicity or misery depends, is finally determined upon ; and on Wednesday next I am pledged to become the wife of the only man I ever loved Agreeably, therefore, to a long-standing promise, I shall expect that you will make it convenient to attend as my bridemaid. And believe me to be, my dear girl, Ever faithfully Your affectionate friend. 94 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. THE ANSWER TO A LADY R E FUSING A FAVOR FROM ONE MARRI E D LADY |N INDIA TO ANOTHER IN AMERICA No. 1290 WALNUT STREET, May 3, 189—. MY DEAR LAURA : The fresh proof you have given me of your friendship and conſidence, would, if any- thing could do so, increase that friendly interest I have ever felt in all which concerned you. However, though I have ten thousand things to say, I shall reserve the whole till we 111eet. I shall certainly do myself the pleasure of attending upon you in an official capacity on your wedding-day, when you may expect that I design to have my laugh out, though believe me, without any joke, to be Yours ever, most faithfully, JOSEPHINE.' THE PINES, March I I, 189—. DEAR MADAM : It is very painful to me to be under the necessity of replying to your letter of yesterday's date, as I cannot at the same time render you the assistance you require. Had it been in my power, I should have instantly complied, as I should be happy, at all times, if possible, to anticipate your wishes; I trust, therefore, you will ſorgive me these lines, and believe me to be (although I do not in the present instance prove it), Your sincere friend, LEANDER WILMINGTON. BUNGARAPOORA, June 13, 189—. MY DIAR MRS. I’AT MORE : After so 1many years' absence, I was, indeed, delighted to hear that yourself and your dear little ones were alive and well, and that your married 1jfe appeared to have realized every happiness you deserved. I assure you that I plagued Colonel with questions till he was utterly incapable of saying anything more about you, and that the delightful idea of writing once more to 1my dear old friend and school ſellow, is almost too inuch for 11]e to believe it true. My life, like your own, has been a happy and prosperous one. You can pardon a mother's vanity, when I assure you that my children are all that I could wish. Herbert, the eldest, is already established in a situation calculated to place him in an excellent position hereaſter, while his conduct is such as to make him beloved both as a son and a brother. Agnes, whom you recollect as a little thing in a white frock and blue sash, is engaged to the eldest son of Colonel , who bids fair to make her an excellent 11usband, and who likewise possesses interest likely to insure lini ſuture success. As for the younger ones, I assure you that they are as amiable children as (allowing for the inevitable whims and mischief natural to all of us) I could hope for. Baby (who is just ſifteen 111onths old) is universally voted a prodigy of talent, and is petted and spoilt by everybody. My dear husband, who is never happy except with his children around him, has so firm, and yet so kindly an inſluence over them, that we are able to treat them as friends, and waive the stern control which is unllappily required, and sometimes injudiciously practiced, in many ſamilies. Now that we have once more resumed correspondeuce, I hope that our letters may be less like “angels' visits,” than heretofore, and that I may hear all about you and yours. With a prayer for a blessing on yourself, your husband, and dear children, believe Ime, Dear Alice, I’ver your affectionate friend, To MRS. PATMORE. SARAH HIGGINS. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 95 LETTER OF HON. CHARu ES 3UMNER, ON LEAVING NEW YORK FOR A TRIP To EUROPE, TO PROF. SIMON GREEN LEAF, CAMBRIDGE, MASS, LETTER OF CHARLES LAM B TO SOUTHEY CONCERNING H S NEW COAT Astor House, N. Y., December 7, 1837. MY DEAR FRITENID : My hours of terra firma are numbered. To-morrow before this time I shall be rocking on the water. Qualms of sea-sickness will be upon me; and, more than these, the anxiety and regrets at 1eaving friends, kindred, and country. It is no slight affair to break away from business which is to give me my daily bread and pass across the sea to untried countries, usages, and language, and I feel now pressing with a mountain's weight the responsibility of my step. But I go abroad with the firmest determination to devote myself to self-improvement from the various sources of study, observation, and society, and to return an American. Gladly will I receive any of those accomplishments or modifications of character which justly proceed from an extended survey of the human family. I pray fervently that I may return with benefits on my head, and that the aſſectations of character and indif- ference to country, which are thought sometimes to proceed from travel, may not reach me. All this is in the unknown future, which I may not penetrate. To the candid judgment and criticism of my friends I shall submit myself on my return, and shall esteem it one of the highest duties of friendship to correct me and assist in bringing me back to the path of sense and simplicity, if it shall be found that I have departed from it. Do not let it be said, then, that I shall be spoiled by Europe, but rather suggest that I shall return with an increased love for my country, an admiration for its institutions, and added capacity for performing my duty in life. My knowledge of character must be elevated, and 1ny own ambition have higher objects. If this is not so, then I shall have seen Europe in vain, and my friends may regret their generous confidence in me. My pen trembles in my hand as in that of a culprit who sees before him the awful tree, and counts the seconds which remain to him. I have a thousand things to say, but no time in which to express them ; so, with love to Mrs. Greenleaf, farewell, and believe 111e, Your affectionate friend, CHARLES SUMNER. MY DEAR SOUTHEY : My tailor has brought me home a new coat, lapelled, with a velvet collar. He assures me that everybody wears velvet collars now. Some are born fashionable, some achieve fashion, and others, like your humble servant, have fashion thrust upon them. The rogue has been making inroads hitherto by modest degrees, foisting upon me an additional button, recommending garters; but to come upon 1me thus in full tide of luxury neither becomes him as a tailor or the ninth of a man. My meek gentleman was robbed the other day, coming with his wife and family in a one-horse chaise from Hampstead. The villains rifled him of four guineas, some shillings and sixpences, and a bundle of customers’ measures, which they swore were bank-notes. They did not shoot him, and when they rode off he addressed them with profound gratitude, saying, “Gentlemen, I wish you good-night, and am very much obliged to you that you have not used me ill !” And this is the cuckoo that has had the audacity to force upon me ten buttons on a side, and a black velvet collar. A cursed ninth of a scoundrel ! When you write to Lloyd, he wishes his Jacobin correspondents to address him as Mr. C. L. What I have owed to thee I can never forget; God love you and yours. CHARLES LAMB. 96 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. A^{MOUNCING ARRIVAL TO A FRIEND ON HER INT ENDED MARRIAGE TO A GENT LEMAN ON HI8 MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENT TO A FRIEND ON HIS GOOD FORTUNE TO A FRIEND ON THE BIRTH OF A 80N DEAR RODERICK : I have just arrived on the Steamship Majestic, after a quick and pleasant voyage, Expect me to greet you face to face at my earliest convenience. As ever, BRANDON. LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION. VICKSBURG, September 20, 189—. MY DEAR No one, I believe, can be more desirous to hear of your welfare and your prosperous settlement in the marriage state than myself. I have long been sensible of your worth, your goodness of heart, your rectitude of principle, and your warmth of friendship. Enviable among men will be the 1ot of him who is destined to become your partner for 1ife; and fortunate, indeed, was Mr. in that introduction which first presented you to his notice. As for Mr. , I need scarcely observe that I approve of your choice, in which you have shown a discrimination that does credit to your taste, and to that good sense which has been the guide of your past life. Adieu, and believe me to be, my dear 2 Yours most sincerely and affectionately, PHILADELPHIA, January 6, 189—. DEAR OLD FELLOW : And so you really are to be a Benedict Well ! I have no objection, provided you feel convinced that it is a measure likely to tend to your happiness. For myself, I am still a bachelor, although I do not know what such temptation as you appear to have undergone might not do towards upsetting my present resolutions. You know I have no antipathy to matrimony: but, unlike yourself, I have not independent means sufficient to render me fearless of consequences, and should not be disposed to involve any woman, whom I could like sufficiently to make my wife, in a doubtful state of circumstances, if not in a discomfort which must be painful to a man of proper feeling and honor. At the same time, believe me, I cordially sympathize with your delight at the prospect of an agreeable union, and wish sincerely that every happiness may be the result. Ever truly yours, Louisvil,LE, Ky., February 10, 189–. MY DEAR HOWARD : The news of your good fortune gives me great satisfaction. No one can possess true friendship without rejoicing in the prosperity of a friend. To one who has always been manly, true and noble, and who has labored persistently toward a particular end, success must be extremely gratifying. It will ever be my delight to hear that you are prospering in your undertakings, and if in any way I can serve you, you can rely upon my best endeavors. With every good wish for yourself and Mrs. Kerr, Ever faithfully yours, ST. LOUIS, Mo., June 15, 189–. DEAR OLD FRIEND : The happy announcement that a son and heir has been born to you, gives me extreme satisfaction. I always thought you would distinguish yourself in some way, and would do something whereby your name might descend to posterity, And now, my worthy chum, it seems you have done it. I will not draw any picture of the cares and anxieties of fatherhood, such as carrying a squalling youngster on your arm at 3 o'clock in the morning, running for the doctor when the little one has spasms of wind colic, opening your eyes with astonishment at PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 97 TO FRIEND8 ON A MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARY A LETTER OF CONDOLENCE ON THE DEATH OF A HUSBAND THE SAME, ON A CHILD’8 DEATH bills ror shoes, dresses and toys, but will content myself with sharing the joy which you feel over the new arrival, and reminding you that whatever may be the cares and anxieties which children bring with them, in their intelligence, their artlessness, their 1ove, there is abundant compensation and delight. Wishing you and the happy mother, as well as the young gentleman who will soon have the honor of calling you papa, the the best of Heaven's blessings, I remain Yours most sincerely, MONTGOMERy, ALA., October 5, 189—. My DEAR MR. AND MRS. TREvELYAN : The announcement of the fifteenth anniversary of your wedding recalls the 1011g period of time through which it has been our happy privilege to enjoy an uninterruptcd friendship. This is your crystal wedding, and you will allow 1ne to say that I trust your lives will always be as bright and sparkling as the gifts which you will receive. I am sure you are proving the blessedness of married 1jſe, and they always do who enjoy mutual confidence, sympathy and support. The darkness which at times has crossed the path along which you have now traveled for fifteen years, has always had its silver lining, and my wish is that no greater sorrows may overtake you in the future than have fallen to your lot already. These you have borne with Christian patience, and have thus transformed them into benedictions. Accept my hearty congratulations on this anniversary of your married life, and may another, which shall be tinged with silver, and another still, enriched with gold, fall to your lot. Very affectionately yours, LETTERS OF SYMPATHY. CHICAGO, June 18th, 189—. MY DEAR º If any consolation can be afforded under so heavy an affliction as you have just experienced, it must come from a higher power than mine. Your own strong sense of religion, and of our duty of resignation to a power that is beyond our control, and a will that is ever beneficently directed towards our good, must uphold you in this most bitter trial. I well know how painful the well-meant, but often mistaken, officiousness of friends may be on such occasions, or I should have hastened to your side, and sought to assuage the pangs of your overworn spirit. It were a melancholy pleasure to dwell upon the virtues and accomplishments of your late beloved husband; but the subject is too painful for me, and, in the confidence that he is in the enjoyment of an everlasting happiness, such as, my dear , even you could not have realized to him on earth, I hope that you will support your spirits both for your own and your children's sake, and look forward to that brighter and happier world in which we shall go to those who cannot return to us. God comfort you, dear Your affectionate and sorrowing friend, To Mrs. NEw York, July 5th, 189 -. MY DEAR If anything could have caused me especial pain, it was the news of your sad be- reavement. How I remember your dear child Affectionate, lively, and intelligent, ever displaying a thoughtfulness beyond his years, and holding forth hopes of happi- ness in after times which will scarcely bear reflection. © It has, indeed, been a heavy blow, and I scarcely know how to talk of consolation under so bitter an affliction. But think, my dear , of One who “careth for all,” who loves little children beyond others, and think of the bright and never-ending future 98 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS THE SAME, ON A REVERSE OF FORTUNE ANNOUNCING TO A LADY THE DEATH OF HER SISTER º life of that dear child, whose spirit has passed away but for a brief period, whose soul only waits in heaven to hail the mother from whom he has been parted. I can say no more ; human consolations are weak and poor. May a higher power do that which I cannot Ever sincerely yours, To Mrs. STATEN ISLAND, January 3, 189—. DEAR * I am truly pained to hear of the melancholy change in your circumstances. I had hoped that your husband's position and connections would have prevented the possibility of his embarking in any scheme where there seemed room for uncertainty. But, unhappily, the speculative spirit of the age is too seductive to be easily withstood, and we are every day hearing of families being reduced to absolute poverty, more from mischance than wilful error. But you must not only cheer up, but labor to cheer your husband likewise. Let him find that he possesses a wife who will not display her annoyance at the deprivation of many (perhaps unnecessary) luxuries of life, and whose determination to economize will make poverty seem less poor, and whose affection will insure him that comfort which the wealthiest position, without undivided affection, would wholly fail to realize. Nor must you look at matters as hopeless. Although changed in your means, you have not lost in character. Your true friends look upon you with the same eyes as formerly, and for the shallow and insincere you ought not, cannot care. Besides, a favorable change must result from your husband's persevering and consistent efforts; and by the exercise of economy, and the patient submission to a few privations, you may ere long fully retrieve the position you have already adduced, and which legiti- mately belongs to you. That success and happiness may soon spring out of the present unfavorable condition of things, is the hearty and earnest wish of, Yours ever affectionately, To Mrs. JACKSON, MISS., May 18, 189—. MY DEAR MADAM : You have long been aware of the painful and serious illness under which your dear sister has been suffering ; but, perhaps, you have not been fully sensible of its dangerous tendency, and of the fears always entertained by those around her, that its termination would be fatal. Would that our fears had been without foundation; but I am reluctantly compelled to tell you that our worst anticipations have been too mournfully realized, your poor sister having expired (last evening), though, it is consolatory to state, with 1ittle bodily suffering. She had borne her affliction with the fortitude of a Christian, and retained her faculties to her last moments, yielding her breath in full peace of mind, and convinced that she was leaving this earthly state for a better and a happier in another world. Your dear mother is in such a state of prostration, that she finds the task of writing to you too painful for her feelings, and has expressed her wish that I, the intimate friend of your late sister, should be the communicant of the sad intelligence. She desires me to say how much your presence would help to console, not only herself, but also your father, and the whole of the family. They hope, therefore, to see you by the earliest opportunity, and request me to send you their best love. Accept, dear madam, my sincerest condolence under this sad bereavement and affliction, and Believe me to remain, Ever yours, sincerely, To Mrs. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. 99 THOMAS GRAY'S [This letter on the death of his aunt, Mrs. Mary Antrobus, who died the 5th of LETTER on The November, is written by Thomas Gray, the author of the celebrated Elegy in a Country DEATH OF (HIS AUNT THE COUNTESS OF HERTFORD’S REPLY TO |DR. BURNET Church Yard, and many other beautiful poems; he was a man of great genius and elevated mind, though open to every affection and tender attachment; he refused with steadiness, the situation of Poet Laureate, which was offered him by the Crown. He was born in 1716, and died in 1771]. The unhappy news I have just received from you equally surprises and afflicts me. I have lost a person I loved very much, and have been used to from my infancy; but am much more concerned for your loss, the circumstances of which I forbear to dwell upon, as you must be too sensible of them yourself; and will, I fear, more and more need a consolation that no one can give, except He who has preserved her to you so many years, and at last, when 1t was His pleasure, has taken her ſrom us to Himself; and perhaps if we reflect upon what she left in this life, we may look upon this as an instance of His goodness both to her and to those that loved her. She might have languished many years before your eyes in a continual increase of pain, and totally helpless; she might have long wished to end her misery, without being able to attain it; or perhaps even lost all sense and yet continued to breathe, a sad spectacle to such as must have felt more for her than she could have done for herself. However you may deplore your own loss, yet think that she is at last easy and happy; and has now more occasion to pity us than we her. I hope and beg you will support yourself with that resignation we owe to Him who gave us our being for our good, and who deprives us of it for the same reason. SIR : I am very sensibly obliged by the kind compassion you express for me, under my Heavy affliction. The Meditations you have furnished me with, afford the strongest motives for consolation that can be offered to a person under my unhappy circumstances. The dear lamented son I have lost, was the pride and joy of my heart; but I hope I may pe the more easily excused for having looked on him in this light, since he was not so from the outward advantages he possessed, but from the virtues and rectitude of his 1mind. The prospects which flattered me, in regard to him, were not drawn from his dis- tinguished rank, or from the beauty of his person, but from the hopes that his example would have been serviceable to the cause of virtue, and would have shown the younger part of the world, that it was possible to be cheerful without being foolish or vicious, and to be religious without severity or melancholy. His whole life was one uninter- rupted course of duty and affection to his parents; and when he found the hand of death upon him, his only regret was to think on the agonies which must rend their hearts; for he was perfectly contented to leave the world, as his conscience did not reproach him with any presumptuous sins, and he hoped his errors would be forgiven. Thus he resigned his innocent soul into the hands of a merciful Creator on the evening of his birthday, which completed him nineteen. You will not be surprised, sir, that the death of such a son should occasion the deepest Sorrow ; yet at the same time it leaves us the most comfortable assurance, that he is happier than our fondest wishes and care could have made him, which must enable us to support the remainder of years which it shall please God to allot for us here without murmuring or discontent, and quicken our endeavors to prepare ourselves to follow to that happy place where our dear valuable child is gone before us. I beg the continuance of your prayers, and am, Sir, yours, etc., I OO RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. FRANCES R DLEY HAVER GAL TO A Mſ)THER ON THE DEATH OF HER CHILD PRESENTATION OF A WATCH AN8Wº R LEAMINGTON, December 10, 1870. DEAR, DEAR MRS. SMITH : What can I do but just weep with you ! I can only guess what this sorrow is. Only I know it must be the greatest, except one, which could come to you. That dear little, beautiful thing ! He looked so sweet and happy when I saw him ; no baby face ever haunted me as, somehow, his did. If you could only see him now, how beautiful he 1must be now that he has seen Jesus, and shines in the light of God. It is even more wonderful to think of that great transition for a baby than for a grown person ; one cannot imagine the sudden expansion into such knowledge and conscious joy. I was looking back this morning upon long memories of soul-trials, years of groping and stumbling and longing, sinning and Sorrowing, of heart weariness and faintness, temptation, and failure; all these things which I suppose every Christian must pass through, more or less, at some stage or other on the way home; and the first distinct thought which came through the surprise and sorrow at the sad news was, “That dear little redeemed one is spared all this, taken home without any of these roughest rough- messes of the way; he will never fear doubt or sin, never grieze his Saviour. Is it not the very best and kindest thing that tender Saviour could do for him 2 Only it is not what you meant when you prayed that he might be his own. But better he is with him at once and forever, and waiting for you to come home. I am only writing all this because my heart is full, and must pour out a little. I know we cannot comfort,-only Jesus can ; and I shall go and plead long and intensely ſor this as soon as I have closed my letter. He must be specially “touched” in such a sorrow, for he knows by actual experience what human love is. Three such great sorrows in one year ! How specially he must be watching you in this furnace Yours with deepest sympathy, LETTERS ACCOMPANYING GIFTS. PITTSBURGH, Pa., Nov. 3, 189—. NMR. WILLIAM MCI,EAN : The valuable service which you have long rendered to the firm whose names are subscribed below, calls for a formal acknowledgment. While it must be evident to you that we have appreciated your personal qualities and the efficiency you have shown in our employ, it affords us pleasure to send you a more substantial testimonial than 1mere words can convey. Please accept the accompanying watch as an expression of our good will and our sense of the eminent service you have rendered. Sincerely yours, John HAwSER, B. G. BERGEN, ) Hercules Iron Company. EDMUND DAY, MR. WILLIAM MCLEAN. BELLEFONTE, PA., Nov. 5, 189–. Messrs. JoHN HAwsER, B. G. BERGEN, EDMUND DAY : GENTLEMEN–I hardly know which is the greater, my gratification or surprise, at the beautiful and unexpected gift just received from your hands. Words seem too cold to express my thanks and the pleasure I feel at receiving such a testimonial to my ser- vices. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. I O I (LETTER ACCOMPANYING A BOUQUET TICKET8 TO A (MATINEE ACCMPANYING A PHOTOGRAPH *EPLY TO THE ABOVE GIFT8 FOR THE 8|CK Gentlemen, through the twenty years during which we have been associated, I have found you upright and honorable ; and this token of your esteem increases, if that were possible, the high regard I have always entertained for you. Believe me, with sentiments of profound respect, Your faithful servant, To the Hercules Iron Co. WILLIAM McLEAN. MISS GOULD : Please accept the flowers herewith sent, with the wish that your pathway in life may always be strewn with roses. Sincerely, your friend, JAMES GLENWOOD. PHILADELPHIA, May 20, 189—. MY DEAR MRS. PRICE : May I request your acceptance of the inclosed tickets for the afternoon performance at the Academy to-day ? I am sure you and the young ladies would enjoy the play (The Old Homestead). I am just 1eaving town, or would call in person. Yours most truly, MRs. M. E. PRICE, 404 Crown Street. HENRY BAKER. TRENTON, May Io, 189—. MR. J. B. DAVIS, Akron, O. DEAR FRIEND : * I send you what you have so often asked for—a photograph of myself. I think it a good one, and hope it will please you, and that when you see it you may be reminded of the many pleasant hours we have spent together. Write and tell me what you think of it. Yours sincerely, ELLA WEBSTER. AKRON, O., June 1, 189—. DEAR MISS WEBSTER : Thanks for the capital likeness of your well remembered face, which has just reached me. The expression is perfect. Hamlet tells Horatio that he can see his father with his “mind's eye,” but though the memory is tenacious of the images of those who are dear to us, a good portrait of a friend seems to bring the face more palpably before us than any exercise of the mental vision. I shall keep the picture where I can pay my respects to it daily, and hope soon to see the fascinating original of which it is the shadow. Yours faithfully, J. B. DAVIS. MATRON BELLEvUE HOSPITAL : I send you fifty baskets of fruit and flowers, which you will please distribute among the sufferers who receive the benefit of your patient care and loving sympathy. Trust- ing these gifts will bring some measure of good cheer to the poor unfortunates in your hospital wards, I remain, etc., NEw York, May 27th. MRS. RUSSELI, SAGE. IO2 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. TO A POOR FAMILY FROM A 3. ENTLEMAN TO A LADY WITH WHOM HE IS IN LOVE THE LADY'S ANSWER ANSWER TO THE |PRECEDING DEAR MRS. MOTT : The parcel herewith sent will express to you my sympathy in your misfortune. My heart would do more if the ability were not wanting. Believe me, yours most sincerely, LOVE LETTERS. DEAR MISS I have three times attempted to give you a verbal relation of the contents of this ſetter; but my heart as often failed. I know not in what light it may be considered, only if I can form any notion of my own heart from the impression made upon it by your many amiable accomplishments, my happiness in this world will, in a great measure, depend on your answer. My circumstances are independent, my character hitherto unblemished, of which you shall have the most undoubted proof. You have already seen some of my relations at your aunt’s in Blank street, particularly my mother, with whom I now live. Your aunt will inform you concerning our family, and if it is to your satisfaction, I shall not only consider myself extremely happy, but shall also make it the principal study of my future life, to spend my days in the company of her whom I do prefer to all others in the world. I shall wait for your answer with the utmost impatience. Most sincerely, your real admirer, DEAR SIR : wº I received your letter last night, and as it was on a subject I had not yet any thoughts of, you will not wonder when I tell you I was a good deal surprised. Although I have seen and familiarly conversed with you at different times, yet I had not the most distant thoughts of your making proposals of such a nature. g Some of your sex have often asserted that we are fond of flattery, and very much pleased with praise ; I shall therefore suppose you one of that class, and excuse you for those encomiums bestowed upon me in your letter: but I am afraid, were I to comply with your proposals, you would soon be convinced that the charms you mention, and seem to value so much, are merely exterior appearances, which like the summer's flower, will very soon fade, and all those mighty professions of love will end, at last, either in indifference, or which is worse, disgust. An appearance of sincerity runs through your letter, but there is one particular to which I have a very strong objection ; you say that you live with your mother, yet you do not say that you have either communicated your sentiments to her or to your other relations. I must freely and honestly tell you, that as I would not disoblige my own relations, neither would I, on any consideration, admit of any addresses contrary to the inclinations of yours. If you can clear up this to my satisfaction, I shall send you a more explicit answer, and am, Your most obedient, humble servant, DEAR MISS I return you a thousand thanks for your letter, and it is with the greatest pleasure I can clear up to your satisfaction the matter you doubted of. Before I wrote to you I communicated the affair to my two cousins, but had not courage enough to mention it to my mother, but that is now over, and nothing, she says, would give her greater pleasure than to see me married to a young lady of your amiable character. But to convince you of my sincerity, she has sent the enclosed, written with her own hand. I solemnly assure you I am totally ignorant of its contents, except that she told me it was in approbation of my suit. If you will give me leave to wait on you, I shall then be able to explain things more particularly. I remain, as ever, your real lover, PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. IO3 . FROM THE GENTLEMAN'S MOTHER TO THE LADY THE ANSWER THE YOUNG LADY TO THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN FROM THE SAME DEAR MISS : o If you find anything in these lines improperly written you will candidly excuse it, as coming from the hands of a parent, in behalf of an only, beloved, and dutiful son. My dear Charles has told me that you have made such an impression on him, that he knows not how to be happy in any one else, and it gives me great happiness to find that he has placed his affections on so worthy an object. Indeed it has been my principal study to instruct him in the principles of our holy religion ; well knowing that those who do not fear God will never pay any regard to domestic duties. His father died when his son was only ten months old, and being deprived of the parent, all my conso- lation was that I had his image left in the boy. I nursed him with all the tenderness possible, and even taught him to read and write. When he was of a proper age I sent him to a boarding school, and afterwards to college. Since his return he has resided constantly with me, and his conduct to every one with whom he has had any connection has been equal to my utmost wishes. At present, my dear girl, I am in a very sickly condition, and although I have concealed it from him, yet, in all human probability, my time in this world will not be long. Excuse the indulgent partiality of a mother, when I tell you it is my real opinion you can never place your affection on a more worthy young man than my son. He is endowed with more real worth than thousands of others whom I have known ; and I Have been told of instances of his benevolence which he has industriously concealed. I have only to add further, that the only worldly consideration now upon my mind is to see him happily married, and then my whole attention shall be fixed on that place where I hope we shall all enjoy eternal felicity. I am, dear Miss, - Your sincere well wisher, DEAR MADAM : I will excuse the fondness of a tender mother for her only child. Before I received yours I had heard of the unaffected piety and the many accomplishments of your son, so that I was in no way surprised at what you said concerning him. I do assure you, madam, that I would prefer an alliance with you before even nobility itself, and I think it must be my own fault if I ever repent calling you mother. I was going to say, that you had known but few pleasures in this life, to be deprived of your husband so soon, and the rest of your life spent under so many infirmities. But your letter convinces me that you have felt more real pleasure in the practice of virtue, and resignation to the Divine Will, than ever can be had in any, nay, even the greatest temporal enjoyments. I have sent enclosed a few lines to your son, to which I refer you for a more explicit a11SW6'1". I remain, your sincere well wisher, MY DEAR CHARLES : I received yours, together with one enclosed from your mother, and congratulate you on the happiness you have had in being brought up under so pious and indulgent a parent. I hope that her conduct will be a pattern for you to copy after, in the whole course of your future life; it is virtue alone which can make you happy. With respect to myself, I freely acknowledge that I have not at present any reason to reject your offer, although I cannot give you a positive answer until I have first consulted with my guardian. Monday next you may be sure of hearing from me; meanwhile I cannot do less than sub- scribe myself, Most affectionately yours, MY DEAR CHARLES : In my last I told you that you should hear from me soon, and therefore I now sit down to fulfill my promise. I communicated your proposal to Mr. he had written to his correspondent in , told me as follows: , who, after IO4. RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. fROM A LADY TO A GENTLEMAN COM PLAINING OF HIS {NDIFFERENCE A GEN TLEMAN TO THE LADY98 FATHER THE FATHER'S ANSWER “Miss, I have inquired concerning the young gentleman, and the information I have received is such, that I not only approve of your choice, but must confess that if I did not do everything in my power to forward your union, I should be acting contrary to the request of your father, when he lay on his death bed. You may,” said he “com- municate this to your lover as soon as you please, and may every happiness attend you both in time and eternity.' ' And now, have I not told you enough P. Some, perhaps, might think too much ; but I am determined to begin with as much sincerity as I could wish to practice if standing in the presence of my Maker. To expect the same from you is reasonable; I look for it, and shall be very unhappy if disappointed. But I will hope for the best, and doubt not but the religious education bestowed on you by your worthy mother, will operate on the whole of your future conduct in life. You may, therefore, lay aside the tedious formality of courtship and write to me as your future wife. Yours with the greatest affection, SIR : However light you may make of promises, yet I am foolish enough to consider them as something more than mere trifles; and am likewise induced to believe that the man who voluntarily breaks a promise, will not pay much regard to an oath ; and if Šo, in what light must I consider your conduct P Did I not give you my promise to be yours, and had you no other reason for soliciting than merely to gratify your own vanity ? A brutal gratification, indeed, to triumph over the weakness of a woman whose greatest fault was that she loved you. I say loved you, for it was in consequence of that passion I first consented to become yours. Has your conduct, sir, been consistent with my submission, or your solemn profes- sion ? Is it consistent with the character of a gentleman, first to obtain a woman's consent, and afterwards boast that he had discarded her, and found one more agreeable to his wishes P Do not equivocate; I have too convincing proofs of your insincerity; I saw you yesterday walking with Miss , and am informed that you have proposed marriage to her. Whatever you may think, sir, I have a spirit of disdain, and even of resentment, equal to your ingratitude, and can treat the wretch with a proper indifference, who can make so slight a matter of the most solemn promises. Miss may become your wife; but the superstructure cannot be lasting which is built on such a foundation. I leave you to the sting of your own conscience. I am the INJURED. DEAR SIR : Having made an application to your beloved daughter for her hand, she has given her consent, provided you and her mother will condescend to sanction it. This, I flatter myself, you will do, my circumstances, family, and character, being well known to you both. I shall only add, that my happiness or misery through life depends upon your reply; and that I will make any settlement upon your dear daughter which you may judge necessary. My happiness will be founded on the promoting of hers, with the possession of your esteem and approbation. Entreating you to give a favorable reply, I Have the honor, my dear sir, to subscribe myself, Your humble servant, MY DEAR SIR : In reply to the letter you did me the honor of writing, I must remark, that neither my wife nor myself have ever interfered with the wishes of our excellent daughter; her whole conduct being governed with such prudence that no room was left for advice. PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. IO5 THE GENT LEMAN TO THE LADY, (NCLOSING HER FATHER'S REPLY A WIDOW, |N ANSWER TO PROPOSALS |N THE NEGATIVE Your affection being mutual, we have only to observe that we shall be highly gratified in giving our girl to you, and we doubt not but that you will enjoy as much happiness in the married state as this life will admit of In regard to ourselves, you may be assured that you possess our respect and affection ; were this not the case, we should not so readily resign to your protection our greatest treasure. My good wife entirely coincides with what I have said ; we shall, therefore, expect to see you on next, when everything shall be arranged for your union. I am, dear sir, Yours, very affectionately, MY DEAREST HARRIET : I cannot adequately express the happiness I feel, in finding that my letter to your respected parents has been crowned with success, and I flatter myself, notwithstanding your temporizing with my feelings, in thus reserving your avowal of a reciprocal attachment, that you, my dear girl, will not be unsusceptible to its value, but condescend to acknowledge an equal happiness with myself at its contents. In token of the confi- dence with which your dear letter has inspired me, I beg leave to present you with a trifle, the acceptance of which will be highly flattering to him whose image it portrays; and permit me the fond pleasure of indulging a belief that my lovely Harriet will esteem the trifle, in affectionate remembrance of the original. In obedience to your father's command, I shall wait upon him at the appointed time; till then, my beloved Harriet, adieu. Ever your devoted admirer, DEAR SIR : I take the first opportunity of acknowledging the receipt of the flattering letter with which you have favored me. You wish to know whether I am willing to enter again into the marriage state, and in the event of my being so, whether I should be adverse to admitting you in the quality of a suitor. I assure you, sir, I feel flattered by the latter question ; and as to the former, I can only say that I have no dislike to entering again into that state. But our acquaintance is at present imperfect, and we are comparatively strangers to each other's tastes and tempers. I need scarcely observe that an intimate knowledge of such matters is absolutely requisite, before we can decide whether we are fitted for enjoying together a partnership in life. Meanwhile, I have no objection to allowing such freedom of acquaintance as shall enable us both to arrive at this knowledge, and can therefore only say, in conclusion, that the commence- ment of your addresses will meet with no obstacle from, Dear Sir, Yours most faithfully, TO , Esq. DEAR SIR : I have just perused the flattering letter with which you have favored me. Of late, whilst enjoying the pleasure of your company, I have not ſailed to observe that your behavior towards myself has been more than ordinarily attentive, and that on more than one occasion you have rendered yourself of essential service to my interests, Such conduct has not failed in attaining my favor and friendship, but has not had the effect of inspiring a deeper passion—a passion which I have totally renounced, whether on account of the advance of years (as the case may be), or of attachment to the memory of my late husband, it is immaterial for me to state. Had I allowed myself to suppose that the attentions to which I have just alluded were prompted by any other feeling IO6 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. A LOVER'S QUARREL EXPLAINING AWAY AN APPARENT 8L|GHT A LOVER TO A FATHER ON HIS ATTACHMENT TO THE DAUGHTER A FATHER 98 ANSWER IN THE NEGAT VE |N THE AFFIRMATIVE but that of simple friendship, I should certainly have endeavored to repress them. Hence you may infer that, while I decline the honor of your addresses, I still remain, with best wishes for your future welfare, Dear Sir, Your sincere friend, To , Esq. MY DEAR It is with pain. I write to you in aught that can seem like a strain of reproach, but I confess that your conduct last night both surprised and vexed me. Your marked approbation of the attentions paid to you by was as obvious as your neglect of myself. Believe me, I am in no way given to idle jealousy—still less am I selfish or unmanly enough to wish to deprive any girl on whom I have so firmly fixed my affec- tions of any pleasure to be obtained in good society. But my peace of mind would be 1ost forever did I believe that I have lost one atom of your affection. Pray write, and assure me that you still preserve your undivided affection for, Your devoted but grieved, MY DEAREST How grieved am I that you should think me capable of wavering in my affection towards you, and inflicting a slight upon one in whom my whole hopes of happiness are centered Believe me, my attentions to Miss were never intended for anything more than common courtesy. My long acquaintance with her ſather, and my knowledge of her amiable character—as well as the circumstance of her being a comparative stranger to the 's, such were my sole reasons for paying more attention to her than I might otherwise have done. Pray rest confident in the belief that my affection for you is as unchanging as my regret is great that I should ever have given you cause to doubt it, and believe me, Dearest, yours ever sincerely and devotedly, DEAR SIR : As I scorn to act in any manner that may bring reproach upon myself and family, and hold clandestine proceedings unbecoming in any man of character, I take the liberty of distinctly avowing my love for your daughter, and humbly request your permission to pay her my addresses, as I flatter myself my family and expectancies will be found not unworthy of your notice. I have some reason to imagine that I am not altogether disagreeable to your daughter ; but I assure you, honestly, that I have not as yet endeavored to win her affections, for fear it might be repugnant to a father's will. I am, Sir, Your most obedient servant, DEAR SIR : I make no doubt of the truth of your assertions, relative to yourself, character, and connections; but as I think my daughter too young to enter into such a serious engage- ment, I request I may hear no more of your passion for the present; in every other respect, I am, Sir, Your most obedient, DEAR SIR : There is so much candor and honor apparent in your letter, that to withhold my consent would be both ungenerous and unjust. As the duty of a father demands, I shall first make some necessary inquiries, assuring you that I would never oppose my PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. Io/ FROM A JILTED LOVER daughter's choice, except I had some very just reason to imagine it would be productive of ill consequences, for I am convinced that in the marriage state, happiness consists only in reciprocal affection. You may, therefore, depend upon hearing from me in a few days; till then I remain Your very faithful servant, MISS CLERKWELL : I must send you one more communication, to say that I could never wish to secure the hand of a lady who did not reciprocate my affection. I bow to your decision, and content myself with the reflection that “there are as good fish in the sea as ever were caught,” and as good, I believe, as the one who disdains to nibble my hook. While my attentions have been sincere, I am not likely to die of disappointment, and do not intend to give any occasion for such an epitaph on my tombstone as: Here lies a jalted lover. Very truly yours, FORMS FOR, WEDDING CARDS AND INVITATIONS. J(e. a red. 2/(es. %ue. 3éew-act te?aces & £o-º-º: fl-te-ºe-tº-c-e- alt £4.e. nea-t-t-ca-9-e- e/ t&ece &a-azºtee, 6aeda têa 3., to- 9e. 9. 4. 3/etc/ele, 49ecºcesday, 3-4-wa-ey. e/evereté, at twº-eléo-e a-'e-de-cº 2C-o-o-ºº. 3'-televé ceg, 1Wal. /8% . IO8 RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. grººm 644 tº 24 &e Jºe & Jeacº, Ja, victee & ared ºa (ca.? &ceets, 34%a cle/64&a, Jºaº day. ev-e-cºcº, 3-4 taca-ty. /4, / 37 , at 6 o-'e-de-cº. %at/ane Jº. 4&nce ce. 6a-ca v. 92.4co-wº. &etence *%, J(a cº-o-º- 37 cate 64 acceſ, %a dºo-e Jºo-enewe ared Jº-ectºſe week 3ève et, Jºe's cºaº ev-encºeg', at 7 o'ezo-elé. &44 ett 9, 822 &e. &c., a ſay &ameſ/tee. 34eemeane 4. £aºto-re. 3/acceet J4, 3emences, 2/(a ceded. Jae-day ./o-ecºz, Jarczea tº 48tſ, /3% , 3aº-aneca 4. \ |PROPER FORMS FOR LETTERS. IO9 C4. ſ -4, 7%uman % -2&yon .2% &me %aſy, eye %ay. /42 2 &ue& .2% .9%mme, //33’ & 2% 9%zz Já. Af o/40. 2%me, % º %aºy, /33 % .2%enae. | WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. It is the custom in this country to celebrate the anniversaries of happy marriages at certain periods. The First Annive ‘‘ Second • * Third • Fifth “ Seventh “ Tenth * Twelfth “ Fifteenth “ Twentieth ‘Twenty-fifth “ Thirtieth “ Fortieth ‘‘ Fiftieth “Seventy-fifth rsary, called t & 4 * { These are— & 4 6 & § { he Cotton Wedding. 4 4 Paper Leauher Wooden Woollen Tin { { & & { { 4 & & 4 Silk and Fine Linen Wedding. Crystal China Silver Pearl Ruby Golden Diamond Invitations are sent to friends whose company you desire upon such occa- sions. It is well to be explicit, and by your invitation give your friends to RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS. understand clearly what is expected of them. they will conclude that these will be acceptable. If nothing is said about presents Iſ these are not desired, your invitation should state it. The following is a proper form — /36– /3%— £7% ama/ J&a. 2% Ø% & A4 * 2a, 2%deveme a/ 4. %anº/ 22%moeaſy 2"4% %2 &ºy Ženº, Zmay mºnº, %2. %ama/ J%az .2% .9% 2%4&zed?. The above form can be varied to suit the anniversary. The invitation to a wooden wedding should be printed on a thin sheet of wood ; to a tin wedding, on a sheet of tin foil paper; to a crystal wedding, on cards with a thin glass finish ; to a china wedding, on paper with a dead-white surface resem- bling the surface of china-ware; to a silver wedding, upon white paper in silvered letters; to a golden wedding, upon heavy white or cream-colored paper in gilt letters; to a dia- mond wedding, on the heaviest and finest paper. While the envelopes cannot in every instance be of the same material as that on which the invitation is printed, they should as nearly as possible correspond. BOOK II. Courtship, Marriage and Domestic Life. CHAPTER XII. Man and Woman, or Suitable Rules for Love-Making. AN was made for woman, and woman [5) equally for man. How shall they treat each other? How shall they come to understand their mutual relations and duties? It is lofty work to write upon this subject what ought to be written. Mis- takes, fatal blunders, hearts and lives wrecked, homes turned into bear-gardens, tears, mis- eries, blasted hopes, awful tragedies—can you name the one most prolific cause of all these? If our young people were taught what they ought to know—if it were told them from infancy up—if it were drilled into them and they were made to understand what now is all a 1mystery to them—a dark, vague, unriddled mystery—hearts would be happier, homes would be brighter, lives would be worth living and the world would be better. This is now the matter—matter grave and serious enough—which we have in hand. There are gems of wisdom founded on health, morality, happiness, which should be put within reach of every household in our whole broad land. It is a most important, yet neglected subject. People are squeamish, cursed with mock modesty, ashamed to speak with their lips what their Creator spoke through their own minds and bodies when he formed them. It is time such nonsense— nonsense shall we say?—rather say it is time such fatal folly were withered and cursed by the Sober common sense and moral duty of universal society. Professor O. S. Fowler, the eminent lecturer, who made the subjects of love, courtship, marriage and domestic life his study for half a century, shall be permitted to instruct, warn, inspire, direct and benefit those who peruse the pages of this practical work. Here is what he says: Courtship ! Its theme, how delightfull Its memories and associations, how charm- ing ! Its luxuries the most luxurious prof. fered to mortals Its results how far reach- ing, and momentous ! No mere lover's fleet- ing bauble, but life's very greatest work 1 None are equally portentous, for good and evil. God's provisions for man's happiness are I I I II 2 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. boundless and endless. How great are the pleasures of sight, motion, breathing ! How much greater those of mind ' Yet a right Love surpasses them all ; and can render us all happier than our utmost imaginations can depict ; and a wrong more miserable. Though it is ordained to create offspring, not for pastime, yet as a luxury it has no peer, but stands first; so that mere self-interest commands all to learn and fulfil its right conditions, and avoid its wrong. Amazing Ignorance. Right love-making is more important than right selection ; because it affects conjugal life far the most. Men and women need knowledge concerning it more than touch- ing anything else. Their fatal errors show their almost universal ignorance concerning it. That most married discords originate in wrong love-making instead of selection, is proved by Love usually declining; while adaptation remains the same. Right courtship will harmonize natural discordants, much more concordants, still more those already in Love; which only some serious causes can rupture. The whole power of this Love element is enlisted in its perpetuity, as are all the self-interests of both. As Nature's health provisions are so perfect that only its great and long-continued out- rage can break it; so her conjugal are so numerous and perfect that but for outrageous violations of her love laws all who once begin can and will grow more and more affectionate and happy every day. Any man who can begin to elicit any woman’s Love, can perfectly infatuate her more and more, Solely by courting her right; and all women who once start a man’s Love —no very difficult achievement—can get out of him, and do with him, anything possible she pleases. The charming and fascinating power of serpents over birds is as notling compared with that a well-sexed woman can wield over a well-sexed man, and he over her. Ladies, recall your Love hey-day. You had your lover perfectly spell-bound. He literally knew not what he did or would do. With what alacrity he sprang to in- dulge your every wish, at whatever cost, and do exactly as you desired If you had only courted him just right, he would have con- tinued to grow still more so till now. This is equally true of a man's power over every woman who once begins to love him. What would you give to again wield that same bewitching wand? Sexual Depravity. Parents who teach their children to court right, need have no fears for their virtue. Forestalling that monster vice, sexual depra- vity, throughout all its forms, is just as easy as courting right; which is just as easy as breathing. Amozºng what is due between lovers is its chief means. Young folks in- tend no wrong, but by following current customs embitter and rupture each other's Love; which drives them intosensualities, if it does not crucify their gender. We beg special attention to this declaration, and its vouchers. The love-making art which can effect all this and much more, thus becomes well worth knowing; yet is one of “the lost arts.” Since the art of gallantry is thus valuable, how much more that of Love- making?—only its perfection. Disseminating Scientific knowledge con- cerning this much-joked-about subject of Love-making, thus becomes a work of phil- anthropy and social reform far transcending all others. Yet who ever teaches or learns anything concerning it? What wonder that nearly all thus ignorantly spoil their mar- riage? Why not give and take lessons in MEETING. THE LOVERS' % % % % THE FAIR | Ž º/ º/ º º º % º Z/ º º º º/ º º/ º - MAN AND WOMAN, OR SENSIBLE RULES FOR LOVE-MAKING. II 3 courtship as much as in music, or grammar? Is it less important? Parents should teach their children early, and those taught “by sad experience” should instruct those not yet maritally spoiled. But intuition, our own selfhood, is Nature's highest teacher, and infallible; and tells all, by her “still, small voice within,” whether and just wherein they are making Love right or wrong. Every false step forewarns all against itself; and great is their fall who stumble. Courtship has its own inherent consciousness, which must be kept inviolate. Adapt Yourself to the One You Would Win. Then throw yourself, O courting youth, upon your own interior sense of propriety and right, as to both the beginning and con- ducting of courtship, after learning all you can from these pages, and have no fears as to results, but quietly bide them, in the most perfect assurance of their happy eventuality “What can I do or omit to advance my suit?. prevent dismissal 2 make my very best impression ? guarantee acceptance? touch my idol's heart? court just right?” This is what all true courters say. Cultivate and manifest whatever qualities you would awaken. You inspire in the one you court the precise feeling and traits you yourself experience. This law effects this result. Every faculty in either awakens it- self in the other. This is just as sure as gravity itself. Hence your success must come from within, depends upon yourself, not the one courted. Study the specialties, likes and dislikes in particular, of the one courted, and humor and adapt yourself to them. Be extra careful not to prejudice him or her against you by awakening any faculty in reverse. Thus whatever rouses the other's resistance against you, antagonizes all the other faculties, and proportionally turns Love for you into hatred. Whatever wounds ambition reverses all the other feel- ings, to your injury; what delights it, turns them in your favor. All the faculties create, and their action constitutes human nature; which lovers will do right well to study. To give a few illustrations. An elderly man with points in his favor, having selected a woman eighteen years younger, but most intelligent and feminine, had two young rivals, each having more points in theirs, and came to his final test. She thought much of having plenty of money. They saw they could “cut him out” by showing her that he was poor; she till then thinking his means ample. All four met around her table, and proved his poverty. His rivals retired, sure that they had made “/ii's cake dough," leaving him with her. It was his turning-point. He addressed him- self right to her affections, saying little about money matters, but protesting an amount of devotion for her to which she knew they were strangers; and left his suit right on this one point; adding: “You know I can make money; know how intensely I esteem, admire, idolize, and love you. Will not my admitted greater af. fection, with my earnings, do more for you than they with more money, but less Love?” Her clear head saw the point. Her heart melted into his. She said “yes.” He triumphed by this affectional spirit alone over their much greater availability. Manifesting the domestic affections and virtues, a warm, gushing friendly nature, fondness for children and home, inspires a man's Love most of all, while evincing talents by a man peculiarly enamors woman. In short, the Love-inspiring art consists in manifesting lovable qualities, particularly the domestic, those which promote I,ove's great end, perfect children. ! I4 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. Securing the benediction of all four parents is certainly most desirable. Assenting to their courting, implies acquiescence in their marriage; yet a formal one is desirable, and by letter its best form. If either parent objects, both lovers should try all possible means to win them over ; for their blessing and aid are most desirable, and antagonism injurious. You cannot afford to array your proposed family against their established one, if this can be avoided. Indeed, getting the mother in Love may be a first step for obtain- ing her daughter; which her good-will greatly promotes, but ill, retards. At least, asking is much more politic than demand- ing. Establishing friendly relations all around is worth much patient assiduity and perseverance. Both should be loath to defy or provoke the antagonism of either. Fremont and Jessie. Yet some parents deserve defiance. Whilst affectionate intelligent ones merit only filial obedience, yet those prejudiced for their own child and against the one chosen, especially who storm, blurt, and command a daughter to marry here and not there, deserve defiance, and to have Fremont's bold card played against them. He loves and is loved by Jessie. Benton, enraged, forbids Fremont his house, and locks Jessie up ; who escapes, elopes, marries, and they return ; when Ben- ton, finding himself fairly out-generalled, makes friends, and backs Fremont. Those old enough to love and marry are old enough to decide to whom. Their parents' rights are only advisory; their own supreme. Our right to choose our own conjugal and parental partner is more sacred and inalien- able than any other human right whatever, and cannot be taken away. Your duty to yourself and each other is paramount to parental authority, and all else. Those united to each other in a genuine love , all difficulties, even dangers. Sympathy are therefore divinely united : and “Whom God hath joined together, let not 1nan put asunder ; ” much less adverse cir- cumstances. You now belong not to parents, but to yourselves and each to the other. Ful- filling this Divine mandate to love each other, and resisting all interference as you would attempts on your life, rewards gloriously; while letting others break up a true Love, punishes terribly, without exception. Nature will neither be molested nor violated without punishing. By the sacredness of Love and the evils of its violation you are solemnly bound, each to yourself and the other, to consummate it. “Love Laughs at Locksmiths.” Let neither adverse surroundings, nor tem- per, nor wounded pride, nor fear of want, nor persecution, nothing but utter impossibilities, prevent your marriage; else you are a traitor to your highest natural obligations, and will Surely spoil yourself and each other. Defy If you must bide your time, watch it. Commune with each other in spite of fate. Elope only as your last resort; yet when all other means fail, if she will jump into your open arms, catch her, and, Priam like, scale all inter- vening battlements. Of course she must be willing, glad, to “forsake father and mother, and cleave to you ; ” yet if thus willing, woe to both if you do not thus carry her off “a willing captive.” Be wise, but de- termined. Plan well, and execute boldly. Have no “faint hearts” here, but courage. Strong wills find sure ways, and God speed you. Yet eloping for notoriety is despicable. That girl was silly who was sorry her father gave consent, “because she could not then get into the papers by a romantic elope- 1ment. ” MAN AND WOMAN, OR SENSIBLE RULES FOR LOVE-MAKING. II 5 A gifted law student became thoroughly enamored with an excellent young lady at- tending the same school, who reciprocated his affection ; each more than Satisfied with, and both intending to marry, each other. Yet her proud mother objected, that “he was not good enough for her daughter.” Though the girl thought differently, and had done nothing to lessen his Love, yet his pride made him ignore her altogether. He met and passed her daily without recognition, till years afterwards his love conquered pride, and he re-proffered his hand; but she had just engaged herself to another,” while her heart still remained true to him. A man pre-eminently talented and moral, a woman most lovely and devoted, and both perfectly adapted to each other, were spoiled because her mother's prizing her daughter highest maddened him. For shame ! He did not take a lawyer's view of that question. He should have cherished her Love, snapped his finger at all others, and let nothing in the heavens above or earth beneath interrupt it. ... “ Marriage Spoiled. Relations, you shall not interfere, where even parents may not. Make your own matches, and let others make theirs; especi- ally if you have bungled your own. One such bungle is one too many. The parties are betrothed. Their marriage is “fore-ordained '' by themselves, its only rightful umpires, which all right-minded out- siders will try to promote, not prevent. How despicable to separate husbands and wives | Yet is not parting those married by a Love- spirit, equally so? Its mere legal form can- not increase its validity. Marriage is a divine institution, and consists in their own personal betrothal. Hence breaking up a true Love- union before its legal consummation, is just as bad as parting loving husband and wife; which is monstrous. All lovers who allow it are its wicked partakers. Marrying in Haste. If anything specially requires the early consummation of marriage, hasten it; yet cementing the affections is the great work in Hand, which too close intimacy at first rather hinders than helps. As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has Love. At engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity should be only intellec- tual, not affectional. You are yet more ac- quaintances than companions. As sun changes from midnight darkness into noon- day brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms gradually, and as Summer “lingers in the lap of spring; ” So marriage should dally in the lap of courtship. Nature's adolescence of Love should never be crowded into a premature marriage. The more per- sonal, the more impatient it is ; yet to estab- lish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usually given it; SO that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which soon cloys, then disgusts. * Coyness and modesty always accompany female Love, which involuntarily shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of marriage. Besides, why curtail the luxuries of court- ship 2 Should haste to enjoy the luscious- ness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The pleasures of courtship are unsurpassed throughout life, and quite too great to be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhanc- ing or diminishing them redoubles or cur- tails those of marriage a hundred-fold more. A happy courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything else whatever. A neg- ress, asked why she didn't marry, since she had so many making Love to her, replied: I I6 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. “Because being courted is too great a luxury to be spoilt by marrying.” No man should wait to make his pile. Two must acquire a competence conjointly, in order fully to really enjoy it together. This alone can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces. The Proposal, Acceptance, and VOw. A formal proffer of marriage naturally follows a man's selection and decision as to whom he will marry. Consent to canvass their mutual adaptations implies consent to marry, if all is found satisfactory; yet a final test and consummation now become neces- sary, both to bring this whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or waive, those objections which must needs exist on both sides; including any improve- ments possible in either. The best time to state and waive or remove all objections, seeming and real, not already adjusted, is at his proposal, and her acceptance. A verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future reference. A long future awaits their marriage; hence committing this its initial point to writing, so that both can look back to it, is most desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when alone, and they have all their faculties under full control, than verbally, perhaps when excited. Those same primal reasons for reducing all other contracts to writing obtain doubly in reference to marriage. You who fear awkwardness on paper, re- member that true human nature always ap- pears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality everything. All needed to appear well is to feel right, and express naturally what is felt. Saying plain- ly what you have to say, is all required. An unreserved tender, or dependent conditions plainly stated, is sufficient. The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any contingencies stated, and waived if minor, but if they can neither be obviated nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both may look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is the time to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting both in each other's eyes. Bear in mind that as yet your relations are still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or conceded any right to love or be loved. Without pretend- ing to give model letters of proposal, accep- tance, or rejection, because varying circum- stances will vary each ad inſºmitum, the fol- lowing may serve as samples from which to work. “MUCH ESTEEMED FRIEND: As we have agreed to canvass our mutual adaptations for marriage, and my own mind is fully made up, a final decision now becomes necessary. “What I have learned of and from you confirms that high opinion of you which prompted my selection of you, and inspires a desire to consummate it. Your pleasing manner and mode of saying and doing things; your intelligence, taste, prudence, kindness, and many other excellencies, inspire my highest admiration. “Will you let me love what I so much admire? “But my affections are sacred. I can bestow them only on one who reciprocates them; will bestow them upon you, if you will bestow yours on me; not otherwise; for only mutual love can render either happy. I can and will 1ove you alone, with all my heart, provided you can and will love only me, with all of yours. Do you accord me this privilege, on this condition, for life, forever? I crave to make you my wife; to live with and for you, and proffer you my whole being, with honest, assidous toil, fidelity to business, what MAN AND WOMAN, OR SENSIBLE RULES FOR LOVE-MAKING. 117 talents I possess, and all I can do to contri- bute to your creature comforts. Do you ac- cord me this privilege, on this condition? May I enshrine you as queen of my life? “Say wherein you find me faulty, or capable of improvement in your eyes, and I will do my utmost, consistently with my conscience, to render myself worthy and ac- ceptable to you. “I wish some things were different in you—that you had better health, arose earlier, were less impulsive, knew more about keep- ing house, etc.; yet these minor matters sink into insignificance in comparison with your many excellences, and especially that whole- souled affection obviously inherent in you. “Deliberate fully, for this is a life affair, and if, in order to decide judiciously, you require to know more of me, ask me, or Please reply as soon as you can and well decide. “Decline unless you accept cordially, and can love me truly and wholly; but if you can and will reciprocate my proffered affec- tion, say yes, and indicate your own time and mode of our marriage. Meanwhile, with the highest regards, I am, and hope ever to remain, Yours truly, A. B. "? A true woman could give a better answer than the following, which does not claim to ſhe a model. It is hardly time yet for a gushing love-letter, or we would not profane this sacred subject by making the attempt; yet should like to receive one in spirit some- what as follows: “DEAR SIR: Your proffer of your hand and heart in marriage has been duly received, and its important contents fully considered. “I accept your offer: and on its only condition, that I reciprocate your Love, which I do completely; and hereby both offer my own hand and heart in return, and | consecrate my entire being, soul and body, all I am and can become, to you alone; both according you the ‘privilege' you crave of loving me, and ‘craving’ a like one in re- turn. “Thank Heaven that this matter is settled; that you are in very deed mine, while I am yours, to love and be loved by, live and be lived with and for; and that my gushing affections have a final resting-place on one every way so worthy of the fullest reciprocal sympathy and trust. “The preliminaries of our marriage we will arrange whenever we meet, which I hope may be soon. But whether sooner or later, or you are present or absent, I now consider myself as wholly yours, and you all mine; and both give and take the fullest privilege of cherishing and expressing for you that whole-Souled Love I find even now gushing up and calling for expression. Fondly hop- ing to hear from and see you soon and often, I remain wholly yours forever, C. D. 72 Sealing the Vow. The vow and its tangible witnesses come next. All agreements require to be attested; and this as much more than others as it is the most obligatory. Both need its unequiv- ocal and mutual mementos, to be cherished for all time to come as its perpetual wit- nesses. This vow of each to the other can neither be made too strong, nor held too sacred. If calling God to witness will strengthen your mutual adjuration, swear by Him and His throne, or by whatever else will render it inviolable, and commit it to writing, each transcribing a copy for the other as your most sacred relics, to be en- shrined in your “holy of holies.” Two witnesses are required, one for each. A ring for her and locket for him, contain- ing the likeness of both, as always showing II 8 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. how they now look, or any keepsake both may select, more or less valuable, to be handed down to their posterity, will answer. Getting ready to start out together oil your life journey, should now engross both. Though virtually married, you are still only friends, and should now begin to 111ake Love ; though its full period has not yet quite ar- rived. Giving up to nothing else, like eat- ing honey alone, might cloy. Its gradual incipiency favors its permanent continuance. Excessive growth, bursts. Greed soon cloys. Wholesome IRogulations. Your mode of conducting your future affairs should now be arranged. Though implied in selection, yet it must be specified in detail. Both should arrange your mar- riage relations; say what each desires to do, and have done; and draw out a definite out- line plan of the various positions you desire to maintain towards each other. Your future home 111ust be discussed : whether you will board, or live in your own house, rented, or owned, or built, and after what pattern ; or with either or which of your parents. And it is vastly important that wives determine most as to their domiciles; their internal arrangements, rooms, furniture, management; respecting which they are consulted quite too little, yet cannot well be too much. Family rules, as well as national, state, corporate, financial, must be established. They are most needed, yet least practiced in marriage. Without them, all must be chaot- ic. Ignoring them is a great but common marital error. The Friends wisely make family method cardinal. Your general treatment of each other now especially requires to be mutually agreed upon. Each should say, “I should like to treat and be treated by, you thus, but not so ; and let you do this but not that;” and both 1mutually agree on a thousand like minor points, better definitely arranged at first than left for future contention ; each making re- quisitions, conceding privileges, and stipulat- ing for any fancies, idols, or “reserved rights.” 4+ Differences 1must needs arise, which cannot be adjusted too soon. Those constitutional y inherent in each should be adjusted in Love's early stages ; it matters less how, than whether to your mutual satisfaction. Or if this is impossible, “agree to disagree; ” but settle oil something. A concessionary spirit is indispensable, and inheres in love. Neither should insist, but both concede, in all things; each mak- ing, not demanding sacrifices. The one who loves most will yield to oblige most. What course will make both happiest should over- rule all your mutual relations. Important Trifles. Write down and file all. Your present decisions, subject to mutual changes and amendments, will become more and more important for future reference, as time rolls on, by enabling each to correct both; for our own changes make us think others have changed. A mutual diary is desirable; for incidents now seemingly trivial, may yet be- come important. See or correspond with each other often. Love will not bear neglect. Nothing kills it equally. In this it is most exacting. It will not, should not, be second in anything. “First or nothing,” is its motto. Meet as. often as possible. After its fires have once been lit, they must be perpetually resupplied with their natural fuel; else they die down, go out, or go elsewhere; and are harder to rekindle than to light at first. A splendid young man, son of one of New England's most talented and pious divines, | endowed with one of the very best of organ- MAN AND WOMAN, OR SENSIBLE RULES FOR LOVE-MAKING. I IQ isms, physical and plurenological, having | bave saved her broken vows, and his broken selected his mate, and plighted their mutual vows, being the business manager of a large manufactory, and obliged to defend several consecutive lawsuits for patent-right in- fringements, neglected for weeks to write to his betrothed, presupposing of course that all was right. This offended her ladyship, and allowed evil-minded meddlers to sow seeds of alienation in her mind; persuade her to send him his dismissal, and accept a marriage proposal from another. A Sad Story. As he told his mournful story, he seemed like a sturdy oak riven by lightning and torn by whirlwinds; its foliage scorched, bark stripped, limbs tattered, even its very rootlets scathed; yet standing, a stern, proud defiant, resolute wreck. A gushing tear he manfully tried but failed to suppress. His lips quivered and voice faltered. Perceiving his impending fate, he seemed to dread his future more than present; and hesitated be- tween self-abandonment, and a merely ine- chanical, objectless, business life. In at- tempting his salvation, by proffering advice to the “broken-hearted,” he respectfully but firmly declined; deliberately preferring old- bachelorship, with all its dearths, of which he seemed fully conscious. He felt as if he had been deeply wronged. Yet was not he the first practically to re- pudiate? He suffered terribly, because he had sinned grievously, not by commission, but omission. He felt the deepest, fullest, manliest love, and revelled in anticipations of their future union, but did not express it; which was to her as if he had not felt it; whereas, had he saved but one minute per week to write lovingly, “I long to be with you, and love you still,” or, “Business does not, cannot diminish my fondness,” he would lieart. Mingling other enjoyments with love, by going together to picnics and parties, sleigh- rides and mayings, concerts, and lectures, marvellously cements the affections. Love Feeds on Love. Meet in your most attractive habiliments of mind and person. French ladies will see their affianced only when arrayed in their best toilet. Yet mental charins vastly sur- pass millinery. Neither can render your- selves too lovely. Express affectionate fondness in your visits and letters; the more the better, so that you keep it a sentiment, not debase it by animal passion. It is still establishing its rootlets, like young corn, instead of growing. Allow no anatory excitement, no frenzied, delirious intoxication with it; for its violence, like every other, must react only to exhaust and paralyze itself by its own excesses. Affianced young man, life has its epochs, which revolutionize it for good or bad. You are now in one. You have heretofore affili- ated much with men; formed habits of smoking or chewing tobacco; indulged in late suppers; abused yourself in various ways; perhaps been on sprees. Now is your time to take a new departure from whatever is evil to all that is good and pure. Break up most of your masculine associations; and affiliate chiefly with your affianced. Be out no more nights. Let your new responsibili- ties and relations brace you up against their temptations; and if these are not sufficient, your prospective spouse will help. No other aid in resisting temptation and inspiring to good equals that of a loving, loved woman. Break off from your cronyisms, clubs, so- cieties, all engagements except such as mean imperative, cold-blooded business. Your new ties furnish an excellent excuse. All your , I 2C) COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. spare time and small change are wanted for her. To give to bad habits the time and imoney due to her and setting up in life, is outrageous. Bend everything to your new relations, them to nothing. Now’s your time to turn over a new leaf, and turn all the angles, corners, and right-about faces needed. Affianced maiden, you have some depart- ures to take and corners to turn. Your life has till now been frivolous, but has now be- come serious. You have no more need of toilet fineries; for “your market is made,” and you have work on hand far more im- portant, namely, fitting yourself for your - new duties. Find out what they demand of you, and set right about making a premium wife and mother. Both begin life anew. Forgetting the past, plant and sow now what you would gather and become always. Woman is man's choicest treasure. That is the most precious which confers the most Happiness. She is adapted to render him incomparably happier than any other terres- trial possession. He can enjoy luscious peaches, meiting pears, crack horses, dollars, and other things innumerable; but a well- sexed man can enjoy woman most of all. He is poor indeed, and takes little pleasure in this life, be his possessions and social position what they may, who takes no pleasure with her. All description utterly fails to express the varied and exultant en- joyments God has engrafted into a right sexual state. Only few experiences can attest how many and great, from infancy to death, and throughout eternity itself. All God could do He has done to render each sex superlatively happy in the other. Of all his beautiful and perfect works, this is the most beautiful and perfect. Of all his be- nignant devices, this is his most benign. All the divine attributes, all human happiness, converge in male and female adaptations to 1mutual enjoyments. Each is correspondingly precious to the other. Man should prize many things, yet woman is his pearl of greatest price. He should preserve, cherish, husband many life possessions, but woman the most. He has many jewels in his crown of glory, but she is his gem-jewel, his diadem. What mascu- line luxury equals making women in gener- al, and the loved one in particular, happy? Beginning and conducting courtship as this chapter directs, avoiding the errors and following the directions it specifies, will just as surely render all superlatively happy as sun will rise to-morrow. Scan their sense. Do they not expound nature's love-initiat- ing and consummating ordinances? Are they not worthy of being put into practice? Discordants, can you not trace many of your antagonisms and miseries to their ignorant violation? Parents, what are they worth to put into your children's hands, to forewarn them against carelessly, ignorantly, Śpoiling their marriage? Young ladies, what are they worth to you, as showing you how to so treat your admirers as to gain and re- double their heart's devotion? Young men, what are these warnings and teachings worth to you? God in his natural laws will bless all who practice, curse all who violate them. CHAPTER XIII. Who are, and are not, Adapted to Each Other. FAMILY is a great affair. As a Ø\ commodity, a production, a life- work, an achievement, it has no peers. Its power over man is supreme. As it is, so is all else human. As a “speculation,” a “venture,” if well con- ducted, it is the most “paying enterprise,” yields better “dividends,” and is every way more “profitable” than any other “line of business” in which mortals can “invest.” Those who possess the capital should procure a “round-trip ’’ ticket for this matrimonial excursion. It will take you around and through the world in better style, and show you finer “prospects” than any other. Of all the achievements man can accom- plish, all the works he can do, and missions fulfil, this stands first. He who has founded a family among men has done vastly more than he who has founded a useful manufac- tory, or established a “commercial house,” or amassed great wealth. To own broad acres, deeds, corner lots, bonds, is something; but you childless millionaires are “poor " critters,” in comparison with those who own a superb family. That is incomparably the very finest piece of “property” within human reach. He who “owns” a good wife, she who “possesses” a good husband, and that married pair who have a “clear title” to smart and rosy little ones, with a domicile and necessaries “thrown in,” may justly be prouder, carry their heads higher, and “feel their oats” more than any other occupants of this whole earth, childless kings not excepted. To establish a family, which shall float along down the stream of time, to originate human interests, and help to create human history, exceeds wearing childless crowns. What realm equals the family kingdom? What governor-general is as absolute as its sovereign head? or what obedience as willing or complete, because accorded by love? Gardens filled with roses are beautiful, and rich fruits luscious, yet paradise “was not arrayed like one of these” families. How should it be “gotten-up,” and man- aged? One poorly conducted is a poor affair. Wisdom in nothing is as much 11eeded or as all-important as in starting and regulating a family “enterprise.” God ordained the family, and therefore its natural laws, and thereby a family science, as much as a mathematical, or any other; for which, exultant thanks to its Author. Obey- ing these laws renders a happy family just as sure as to-morrow's sun ; because both are equally induced by inflexible causation. The only possible cause of domestic unhap- piness is the breach of these laws. Those who follow them need have no more fear of domestic unhappiness than that the sun will turn backwards. Learning how is the first step. Novices should be careful how they undertake it, just as children should not play carelessly with sharp tools; and all should learn how to use this “instrument” of extreme weal or woe before they begin to tamper with it; which is often quite young. Where can men learn how a family should be founded and conducted? Strange that, whilst every other department of science has I2 I I 2.2 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. been explored, family science remains still enshrouded in Egyptian darkness. Scholars, where have you been groping, that you have not discovered this field of 11uman research 2 Writers, where have been your pens? Cler- gymen, where are your eyes and tongues that you thus ignore it? § %. Strong, compact body; large perceptive faculties and language; fine social qualities, oratorical giſts and business capacities. Self-preparation is first, just as preparing the ground is the first step towards obtaining a crop; and the next, selection of a right sexual mate; and this chapter has for its object to show how to take this step just right. Periodicity is a universal institute of Na- ture. It controls every function of the uni- verse; and governs all the motions of all the heavenly bodies, with all the functions of all that lives. Sun, moon, stars, Seasons, days, and nights come and go at their appointed periods. There is a natural “time for every- thing under the sun.” All plants, animals, and human beings have their infancy, adoles- cence, maturity, decline, and death. These periods are inherent, and inwrought througll- out all their respective functions. There is a time to Sow and reap, be born, grow, decay, and die. And what is planted or done in its 11atural season prospers far better than out. The True Time to Choose and Wed. Love has its natural period, and prospers better when it is observed. And it has but one right time, which is exactly right, be- cause appointed by Nature. She is perfect, SO are all her works; her love-works inclu- ded. To a complete love, this observance of her natural times and seasons is indispensa- ble. True, though one may make an excel- lent crop of cotton or corn, even if planted out of time, yet how much better that same crop if planted when Nature ordains? Then, when is Nature's best time for planting the seeds of love? “You should Inarry at once. a family at forty.” “Fifty will be in season. marry then.” t “That will be like planting corn in Au- gust. You had better give it 1more time to grozº.” You'll 11eed I propose to The sexual function 1matures later than the digestive or 1muscular; because its earlier development would be useless, yet retard growth. Boys and girls like each other some, but how much stronger is appetite than love, and love years after than at puberty? The sexuality slumbers on till quickened by puberty, which re-increases it till eighteen or twenty, when the body is well grown and consolidated; bones become dense, and their gristly joints hardened up; muscles full- sized and tort; and mental faculties fully es- tablished. Love now begins to assert sov- ereign control. No puppy love, no “juve- mile and tender” fancy, but a deep, strong, all-controlling and mature affection inspires. and electrifies the whole being, and furnishes. WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 23 and inhabits the human structure, taking that helm which governs every part. Old Boys and Girls. Precocity is an American misfortune. Wrong physical habits, tea, coffee, condi- ments, tobacco, want of exercise, our hot- house school system, alcoholic stimulants, etc., make mere boys and girls petit men and women, and prematurely light and fall the fires of sexual excitement. Our boys must become young gentlemen almost as soon as they cease to be babies; must hurry into and through college; Smoke, chew, drink, swear, carouse, before puberty; have a love affair, and practice all the vices while yet mere boys; make and lose a fortune during their teens; and know more evil at thirteen than their fathers did at thirty; and therefore blight before twenty. This renders their love-appetite violent yet dainty, so that * straws turn it. Soon after it begins to taste the sweets of love it fancies its lover 11eg- lectful, or partial to another, which a hearty love would never llave noticed. Previous starvation also often induces both sudden and premature love. If boys were duly loved and fondled by mother and aunt, and girls similarly by father and uncles, and if this faculty were duly cultivated in lads, lasses, and young folks, this, its partial exer- cise, would so far satisfy it in the bud as to hold back love proper a year or two longer, and mitigate its violence; whereas its juve- nile suppression renders it so ravenous that it greedily devours whatever food is offered. Elders, consider this point, and compare it with your experience. By all means let girls be girls till Nature makes them women. Girlhood is quite as essentially antecedent to womanhood as is the growth of fruits to their ripening. A girl's weak, becauce immature, love is easily reversed, which a riper would surmount. Those very elements of discord which dis- gust her at sixteen, might be tolerated, per- haps enjoyed, by the ripened instincts of twenty. She is less in danger of contract- ing ailments by a marriage at twenty than before eighteen ; besides being much less shy, modest, and bashful. A right selection - - - ''/... if . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .” *...****. AMELA RIVES CHANLER Nervous, intellectual temperament ; brilliant mind, predominating over body ; lacking in physical breadth and robustness. requires a fully matured love intuition and judgment. A thoughtless fancy is one great cause of ill-assorted marriages. Many dis- appointed in marriage might say: “I might have known better if I had thought. What now is so obnoxious was plain then, only that I did not stop to con- sider.” Love Fancies and Whims. Intellect should govern every life move- ment, and especially marriage. This step is too eventful to be taken by giddy youth. Females just begin to come to their senses at sixteen, and males about eighteen, some sooner, according as they ripen earlier or later, yet it then requires a year or two for I 24 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. both the love instinct and judgment to be- come sufficiently matured to consummate this eventful choice. The more so since earlier fancies change. One who might exactly suit at sixteen, might not at twenty ; but one who is all right at twenty, will please always; because the love basis is now fully established for life; which is rarely the case before seventeen. - Looking for an object, will enable you to Bold your love in check for years, if neces- sary, till you find a congenial spirit; while not looking, endangers a sudden, if not sense- less, love. Then, O youth I hold it back till eighteen, but put your house in order before twenty-two, and hospitably welcome this love-guest as your most important life visi- tant, when it knocks at the door of your affections. Be mated before twenty-four at furthest, and then marry when you like. Mature Parents and Fine Children. Nature's mating end, offspring, determines its true period. Parental immaturity causes progenal weakliness. Nature will not let juveniles or seniles procreate, but reserves parentage only for life's meridian, or after maturity, but before decline. “The young- est children are the smartest” is a universal proverb; obviously because the animal must precede the mental in formation and decline. Man's intellectual and moral departments both develop and decline after the animal ; so that children born during the younger or animal period are relatively the more impul- sive and impassioned than those of the same parents born later, under the parental intel- lectual and moral regimen. Yet when pa- rental health is declining, especially the mother's, the eldest are the smartest. The reason is apparent. The following facts are instructive: Franklin was the youngest child of the youngest child for five successive genera- tions, and on his mother's side, from whom, more than from his father, he inherited his talents. He was the fifteenth child of his father and eighth of his mother. Ben. Johnson was born when his father was 7O, and mother 42. Pitt, Fox, and Burke, were each the youngest child of their families. Daniel Webster was the youngest by a Second marriage. Lord Bacon was the youngest by a second 1marriage, born when his father was 50 and 1mother 32. Benjamin West was the tenth child of his parents. Washington's mother was 28 at his birth, and father much older, and Thomas Camp- bell's father over 70 at his birth. Sir William Jones's father was 66 when this intellectual prodigy first saw the light. Doddridge was the twentieth child, by one father and mother, and his mother's 1mother was very young when her father died, aged 62, which would make his grand- father above 50 when his mother was born. His father was at least 43 when his son was born. - Judge Story's mother was about 44 at his birth. Alexander Hamilton was the youngest son by a second marriage. Baron Cuvier's father was 50 at his mar- riage, and of course still older at the birth of his illustrious Son. - All history abounds in similar facts. The Bible is especially laden with them. The father of Abraham was 70, of Isaac Ioo, and mother 90; and of Jacob, Joseph, David, and a host of others, old people when these respective worthies were born. These facts are only samples. Nor are there any excep- tions. Where is the distinguished man, born before both his parents had arrived at full WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 25 maturity? It would be difficult to find him. The widest investigation proves that the older the parents the more moral and intel- lectual the offspring. The legal ages for contracting marriages in different European nations are as follows, the first number of each for males, and sec- ond females: Austria and Hungary, Catho- lics, I4, I2; Protestants, 18, 16. Russia, 18, 16. Italy, 18, 15. Prussia, 18, 14; till lately, 20, 16. France and Belgium, 18, 15. Greece, I4, I2; are proposing to enact I5, I2. Spain, 14, 12. Portugal, I4, I2; but up to 21 they must get parental consent. Switzerland, some cantons, 20, 17; others down to I4, I2; but in Geneva parental con- sent is necessary up to 25. Females can marry about two years the younger. The Female Determines the True Period. Males should be from two to four years the elder, because they ripen later, and retain parental capacity longest; and because a woman, to 10ve fully, must look up to her idol. Then, when is she prepared? Though she can conceive soon after puberty, yet to fully fit her rapidly-growing female organism for so great a work as maternity, “takes time.” Till she nearly completes her growth she requires a great amount of both organic ma- terial and vital force for home consumption; so that as great a drain as offspring necessi- tates would break down her constitution be- fore it became consolidated. The children of too young a mother must needs be poorly constituted; besides exhausting her. City girls mature earlier than country, and south- ern than northern, and excitable than phlegmatic. Nineteen is about the average for mating in females, and twenty-one in males. Yet the number of years is less material than maturity. Some, like the Juneating, ripen early, while others do not become 1men or women till nearly twenty; yet, like the winter-apple, keep the longer. Hence, Imany a woman is neglected because on the wrong side of thirty, though younger in constitution than others at twenty, and will continue to manifest all the elements of the woman long after the “Early Annes” have become superannuated. Nature’s Time for Mating. Nature may wait, if all her laws were fully observed, till twenty-three in a woman, and twenty-four in a 1nan, but no longer. In all who wait longer, gender and 10ve be- come weakened and averted by starvation, or demoralized by its taking on its animal phase. Nature is a great economist; and provides that no time be lost. As every plant, tree, animal has its . reproductive period, so has man. Hence, just as fast as she matures any of 1her productions, she sets them to executing her greatest work, repro- duction, commands all to “multiply,” and obliges them to obey. Young man and woman, you neglect her work only at your cost. You both forego her reward of labor, and incur her penalties of inertia. Then form your love alliance just as soon as you find yourself fully, fairly matured. You say, “This leaves the mating period undetermined, practically, though it em- bodies its governing principles. Does any law tell each particular person at just what precise age he or she should marry P’’ All instincts proclaim destinies. As na- tural hunger decides when we should eat, and thus of sleep, warmth, etc.; so love tells each one just when he or she should mate and marry by its own intuitive monitions. Behold Cupid inantling the cheeks of that well-sexed maiden thoroughly enamored with the most glowing blushes; flashing love I 26 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. from every glance of her eyes, bursting forth in every movement of her quivering lips, warbling in inexpressibly soft, tender, touch- ing tones and accents, and immeasurably en- hancing every excellence she possesses. How completely fascinated and bewitched it renders her and lier lover. Wherever she goes, or whatever she does, she thinks only and ever of her idol. The Love Fever. By all this instinctive love fervor and power, does God, in her nature, command her to fulfil it in marriage, to which alone it gravitates and is adapted. By this “de- sire” God commands her to marry then. After twenty the female organism 1manu- factures a large surplus of organic material, and unless she marries and bears, sexual star- vation or else inflammation inevitably super- venes. She 1may find partial salvation in loving without marriage or maternity; but feeds this element only on husks, in place of the bread and fruits of love. Nature com- mands woman to live for her husband and children, and she who disobeys induces pen- alties she cannot afford to incur. Her mating period is infinitely precious. By all means let her make love-hay while her love-sun shines and bloom lasts. The younger they are the longer they may court whilst love ripens; but the more mature it is the sooner they should marry. Up to twenty-two, those who propose mar- riage should be about the same age; yet a difference of fifteen years, after the youngest is twenty-five, need not prevent a marriage, when everything else is favorable. But a man of forty-five may marry a woman of twenty-six or upwards much more safely than one of thirty a girl below twenty; for her natural coyness requires more delicate treatment than llis abruptness is likely to bestow. He is apt to err fundamentally by precipitancy, presupposing that her mental sexuality is as mature as his own. Though a man upwards of forty must not marry one below twenty-two, yet a man of fifty may venture to marry a woman of twenty-five, if he is hale and descended from a long-lived ancestry. Still no girl under twenty should ever marry any man over twenty-six. Differences of Age. The love of an elderly man for a girl is 1more parental than conjugal; while hers for lim is like that of a daughter for a father, rather than wife for husband. Hè loves her as a pet, and therefore his inferior, instead of as a woman; and is compelled to look down upon her as inexperienced, below him in judgment, too often impulsive and un- wise; which obliges him to make too many allowances to be compatible with a genuine union. And she is compelled to look up to him more as one to be reverenced, perhaps feared, and as more good and wise than companion- able. Their ideas and feelings must neces- sarily be dissimilar. He may indeed pet, flatter, and indulge her as he would a grown daughter, and appreciate her artless inno- cence and girlish light-heartedness; yet all this is not genuine masculine and feminine love; nor can she exert over him the influ- ence every man requires from his wife. Besides a gray-headed husband's gallanting a girlish wife is incongruous. Her assum- ing that juvenile gayety so natural to youth, while lie is as dignified and high-toned as becomes all elderly gentlemen, is a little like uniting Fall with Spring. All girls should laugh, play, be juvenile, and mingle in young Society, and an elderly lıusband might not want to go to as many parties as his girl-wife. Of course she must stifle her love of company, or else be escorted by a younger, perhaps therefore more sym- pathizing beau, who must play the agreeable, WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. 127 whisper pleasant things, perhaps ex- pressions of love, in her willing ear, while she prefers the young beau, and is quite liable to love her husband rather as a father, yet another as a lover. At least those elderly men who marry girls must keep only half an eye half open, and see little even with that. Not that their young consorts are faithless, but that they are exposed to temptation. A young woman deficient in amativeness naturally gravitates towards elderly 1men ; because their greater age has put theirs on about the same plane with hers. Such girls, therefore, greatly prefer men from twenty to thirty years their seniors. In such cases her preferences may be safely trusted. Seventeen and Forty-two. But a youngish woman had far better marry an elderly man, who is otherwise acceptable, than not to marry at all. If she is satisfied, lie should not object. Still, she must look one of these alternatives fairly in the face —either to impart to him of her own life stamina to sustain him longer than he could otherwise live, while she dies sooner; or see him die before her, only to break her heart in case a genuine love exists, or else be obliged to transfer it to another; from either of which she may well pray to be delivered. There are cases, however, in which girls may marry seniors. One of seventeen fell desperately in love with her teacher of forty- two. Repelled by her cold, stºrm father, and denied the society of young men, her inmate love being strong, it must of course perish or else find some object. Her teacher, an excellent man, without one thought of thereby eliciting her love, nor would he if her father had been affectionate to her, kindly aided her in her studies, especially arithme- tic, which masculine kindness, to which she was unused, called forth her love for him, on whom it fastened with perfect desperation. To all such the advice should be: “The 1main objection to your marriage lies on her side. But to break her heart by preventing it, will do her far more injury than marrying her senior; therefore marry.” But these are isolated cases. Better older men marry young women, than young men elderly women; because paternity continues later in life than mater- Inity. Circumstances may justify the mar- riage of a young man to an elderly woman. A wild, injudicious, imprudent youth of twenty-two, who needed the influence of a 1nother united with that of a wife, married and lived happily with a widow of thirty- six, and found in her maternal with conju- gal affections. An elderly woman, posses- sing superior natural excellences, may com- pensate for her age by her superiority; but for a young man to marry an elderly woman's wealth, and long for her death that he may enjoy her money, “caps the climax’” of “total depravity.” Still, an artful woman, who knows just low to play on the amatory feelings of a young man, may so ingratiate lmerself into his affections that, as with the girl just mentioned, their marriage is best for him. The determining question is, can a right Moze be established between them P Your Choice will Make Or Unmake You. All must choose, while passing through life, in 1many and important cases, between right ways and wrong; paths leading to hap- piness and misery, honor and shame, virtue and vice, and their consequences; yet of all the decisions man can ever make, that re- specting conjugal companionship is the most important, because the most eventful for prosperity and adversity, weal and woe, vir- tue and vice, in this world and the next. By all the power of a right and a wrong state of I 28 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. love, by the very heart's core of life itself, and all its interests, is it important that we select just its very best possible object as re- gards general character, and special adapta- tion to ourselves. We should select acquain- tances wisely, since their aggregate influence HENRY W. GRADY. Motive, mental temperament; youthful disposition, joined with einotional nature; well-known “Southern orator.” is great; business partners more so ; and intimate heart-friends still more, because all affect our entire future; yet the effects of all combined are utterly insignificant when compared with those of our conjugal partner. Nature's externals always correspond with Her internals. Genuine beauty signifies ex- cellence in fruits, animals, and woman, and of course companionship, including a fine- grained organism, as well as moral and intel- lectual excellence. Yet prettiness and “fancy touches,” often mistaken for beauty, are “only skin deep,” and of little practical ac- count. Such usually make plainer women than plain girls do. The practical question is, how will she look after she has been a mother, and perhaps become thin and pale? Marriage is for life, while mere prettiness Soon fades. But homely women, though ever so good, kind, loving, industrious, and much more, have Some imperfection, or lack some female attributes; while those who have any objec- tionable feature will generally have some objectionable trait. Still beauties, again, will do for flirtation with fops. The Stylish Woman. Style is desirable, if well sustained, and does not degenerate into ostentation. Does she appear well in company? Can you in- troduce her proudly to your old comrades as your beau-ideal? A pleasing, “taking,” attractive address which combines grace with elegance, and charms while it sways, is a great recommendation. Not that we at- tempt to analyze good manners, but only call attention to them as very expressive of character; yet affected artificiality, a con- strained aping of gentility, indicates a make- believe outside appearance, and want of genuineness; while a natural, unaffected sim- plicity in walk, speech, and manners betokens a truthfulness to nature every way desirable. Dandyism, foppery, broadcloth, ladies, must not be allowed to outweigh true manliness of manner, though perhaps eclipsed by bashful- ness or awkwardness. Has he the rudiments of a good address? Not, is he, but can he become, polished? Often internal coarseness assumes a sugar-coated, genteel impudence which provokes laughter, and passes off for the moment, yet discloses long ears. Look below the surface. Women generally over- rate forward, but greatly underrate diffident young men. Undue forwardness discloses a familiarity which springs, if not from con- tempt of the sex, at least a want of due respect for it; while awkwardness often originates in that exalted worship of it which is indispensable in a husband. WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 29 The expression of talents and worth stands second only to their possession. Conversa- tional, speaking, and writing talent can hardly be overrated, yet is almost wholly overlooked. Its manifestation, in whichever form, justly challenges the admiration of the world, past and present, Savage and civilized, learned and illiterate; yet wherein does con- versational eloquence differ from forensic, except in the number of its listeners? Is it not as admirable in the cottage as on the rostrum ? Hence, what are his talents for expressing himself? what of her conversa- tional powers? are paramount questions, and the answers most significant. Artificial N in Ilies. If a plain girl's ideas flow readily, and she clothes them in appropriate and beautiful language, this gift recommends her more than all the boarding-school artificialities and millinery she can exhibit. Does she warm up with her subject, and impart to it a glow, an interest, which delights and in- spires? Does she choose words which ex- press her precise meaning, and begin her sentences at the right end; or does she bungle both? Is she grammatical ; or does she murder the “King's English?” Not, “Can she speak French,” but can she talk elegantly? It matters little whether she has studied grammar, for natural conversational talent will evince itself irrespective of edu- cational aids, which of course help. Does she spoil a good story by telling it badly, or so tell every one as to make its point of ap- plication emphatic? Is she suggestive? Does she make you think and feel as she converses? Many object to long female tongues, as given to scandal; whereas, whether one talks well or ill has absolutely nothing to do with backbiting. Scandal is consequent on a malevolent spirit, not on a “long tongue.” One may say a little, but misrepresent that; Q or talk much, yet give a true version. Neglect those girls who, looking through inverted glasses, always represent things as worse than they really are; but patronize pleased and hopeful ones who paint what- ever they attempt to say or do in beautiful, handsome colors, and regard things favor- ably. Sound Morals in Married Life. A high moral tone, along with uncom- promising integrity, is pre-eminently de- manded in the conjugal relations. Nothing whatever averts love as soon as this defici- ency. Love must have unlimited conſidence, or perish. Moral principle naturally elicits affection, while trickery and all wrong- doings are fatal to it. Worst of all, this deficit transmits itself to those dear children on whom you are to dote. To see them grow up comparatively regard- less of the right, unrestrained from wrong- doing by a high sense of duty, and irrespon- sive to conscientious appeals, is indeed most agonizing; and by all means to be prevented by marrying only those endowed with large conscience. A naturally good temper, or a pleas- ant spirit versus a cross-grained, petulant, can hardly be overrated. It makes a world of difference whether a conjugal companion construes everything in the worst light or in the best; takes things adversely and frets over them, or smooths and makes the best of them; is always in a fluster and bustle, or quiet and even-tempered; uniformly patient, or perpetually scolding; repelling, or attract- ing; irritating, or calining; rough, or gentle; spiteful, or soft; continually creating dis- turbances, or making peace; resentful, or forgiving; overbearing, or forbearing; wait- ing on, or requiring to be waited on ; claim- ing the best for self, or giving it to others; sending off this brother with a box on the 13O COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. ear, and that with a spiteful push, “Then do as I bid you,” or asking them pleasantly for favors. Let scolds alone. Marrying IRelations. Consanguineous marriages deteriorate their issue. This observation is almost universal, through all ages and nations. Christianity, almost from its origin, has interdicted incest. A question thus practically important de- serves a scientific solution. The marriage of first cousins among the isolated valleys of Switzerland, one genera- tion after another, is of frequent occurrence, and in these cantons dwarfiness, Cretinism, idiocy, are disgustingly prevalent. In France, such marriages average two per cent., but the issue of dwarf mutes by such marriages, averages twenty-eight per cent. ; and occurs the oftener the nearer the parental relationship. Dr. S. G. Howe's report to the Massachu- setts Legislature says: “One twentieth of the idiots were children of cousins, while their marriage is in no such proportion, and all other defects are in like proportion. Seven- teen such marriages produced ninety-five children, of which forty-four are idiots, and twelve more puny, or nearly two-thirds in all.” Dr. J. G. Spurzheim says: “Scarcely one among the royal families of Europe, who have married in and in for generations, can write a page of consecutive sound sense on any scientific, or literary, or moral subject.” Says Dr. Caldwell: “One cause of human deterioration is family marriages. It has almost extinguished most of the royal fami- lies of Europe, though at first they were the notables of the land for physical strength, and force of mind and character.” An eminent English physician, Dr. Bux- ton, says: “From ten to twelve per cent. of our deaf mutes are children of cousins. In I7O consanguineous marriages were 269 deaf or dumb children, and seven in one family.” Moses condemns blood marriages even though he thereby practically censures his national patriarchs; doubtless because of their palpably deteriorating effects. The Koran, the Scriptures of the Moham- medans, says: “Ye are forbidden to marry your mothers, and your daughters, and your sisters, and your aunts, and your cousins, and your foster-sisters, and your wives' mothers.” About ten per cent. of the idiocy in Scot- land is caused by consanguineous marriages. Permissible Cases. Some authors maintain that such marriages do not degenerate offspring, and cite “breed- ing in and in ’’ in proof. Occasionally the children of cousins do indeed manifest supe- rior vigor and talents. How can these seem- ingly contradictory facts be explained? Thus: resemblance to the related parentage deteriorates offspring ; while two cousins who do not resemble each other, that is, who inherit mainly from those ancestors through which they are not related, may marry with comparative assurance that their offspring will be normal. - A strong love between two cousins is good evidence that they are adapted to each other in parentage. Yet there are plenty of others quite as lovable as cousins, and the mere risk of impairing offspring is fearful. Some one staminate constituent—that which is to all what foundation is to super- structure, spinal column to playsical frame, oxygen to air, head to body, and sun to solar system, must govern marriage, as it does everything else. What is it? Sexuality, normal and abundant, alone creates whatever is manly and womanly; attracts and is attracted, loves and awakens love, inspirits and is inspirited, fuses and is WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I3 I fused, moulds and is moulded, and both con- fers life and predetermines its amount. All other conjugal prerequisites sink into insig- uificance when compared with this, because it is the summary and embodiment of all ; that which is to all what lime is to mortar, or tendon to 1muscle. The answer to the questions, “How much mental and physical manhood has this beau as compared with that? how much of a female is this woman as compared with that?” should mainly deter- mine the choice. “Which is the most mag- netic, and capable of the deepest, completest devotion, will inspire the most love in me, and call out my manly affections and attri- butes ?” is a man's great practical inquiry; while a woman's should be, “Which is truest to masculine nature, and will bestow the most on me?” not which is the most polite or spruce? Manly Men and Womanly Women. These are plain questions, but they go to the very core and root of this whole matter. Gender is the base and measure of both companionship and parentage. Those who have this, have “the one thing needful” in marriage; those who lack this, lack all. By its means, all other differences can readily be adjusted, though unadjustable without it. Those in whom this staminate condition is “all right,” however dissimilar in other respects, can live happily together though full of faults; yet those who lack this are unmarriageable, though possessed of every other excellence. Its mere amount is by no means all, for its normal state is also important. Better its abundance, though perverted, than defi- ciency, though normal; because it is far more easily sacrificed than reincreased; yet how infinitely better that it be both hearty and purel A knowing companion can always easily reform it in the other. How important that each knows how to correct its wrong action in the other, and just how to 1manage the other by its means. Some day this art of arts will be studied. Similar general matrimonial prerequisites might be extended indefinitely; yet letting these put inquirers on the right track as to EDWARD BELLAMY. Large perceptive ſaculties; defective reasoning pow- ers, yet bold in conceptions; strong individuality, and dislikes opposition ; celebrated author. all, please duly consider that all should select the greatest aggregate good, but not reject one on account of minor defects. You are now simply selecting the materials out of which you can make a lovable companion. General heartiness or tameness, energy or passivity, a whole-souled interestin whatever interests at all, or a good easy make, and a right hearty shake of the hand or its mere tender, and all other like signs and functions, should be thrown into one common matri- monial equation, and general and specific results deciphered therefrom. One may have a minor flaw, coupled with marked ex- cellences, which increase his or her eligibility more than a score of such faults detract I 32 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. therefrom. All should choose the best one available, and then be satisfied. Do not choose one too good, or too far above, for yourself, lest the inferior, by dis- satisfying the superior, breed those discords which are worse than mutual satisfaction DISSIPATED HUSBAND, with those not so highly organized. Don’t be too particular; for you might go farther and fare worse. As far as you yourself are faulty, you should put up with faults. Don't cheat a consort by getting one much better than you can give. We are not in heaven yet, and must put up with their imperfec- tions, and instead of grumbling at them be glad they are no worse; remembering that a faulty one is a great deal better than none. Men are created with different tastes and dispositions. This diversity is the great in- strumentality of progress and invention, which similarity would render impossible. It appertains to talents, feelings, religion, and everything; but most to matrimonial pref. erences. As some like one kind of friends, and others another, even liking the very same traits disliked by others; so one man is captivated by this beauty, whom another considers plain; one admiring, the other dis- liking, the very same features and specialties. Likes and Dislikes. Some men like large, others small, and still others medium-sized women ; some this complexion, which is odious to others; and thus of all the other physical qualities. One woman admires, another dislikes, the very same men and attributes. One can hardly tolerate what perfectly fascinates another; and yet both are intelligent, and judge cor- rectly and alike in other respects. That same man who is perfectly adapted to make one woman happy, and be happy with her, would be perfectly miserable with another, and render her so; while a given woman who is perfectly adapted to become an excellent wife to this man, would make a very poor one for that; those poor for some men being pre- cisely what others require. These likes and dislikes are not fitful, but governed by primal laws. Hence, we can predicate with accuracy that this one will like these traits, and that one other qualities. All affectional likes and dislikes are as in- stinctive and inflexible as those by which the lion craves raw 1meat, and the horse oats. Nature adapts particular 1males and females to each other, and creates a mutual attrac- tion between those who are thus adapted. This is one aspect of that great law that appetites are as requirements; or that we 1ove what is best for us. Men and women are diversified in character and tastes, so that while “there's a flower in the garden” adapted to the tastes of each, yet it must be selected and plucked by the one who is at. tracted by its quality, and loves its every WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 33 petal and leaf. This is the law of affinities. There are plain rules, founded on common sense, which should govern the choice of husband or wife. Thus, that consumptive, who, by marrying one who is consumptive, “foreordains” the consumption and death of his children, whereas, by marrying one well vitalized, he might have secured robust offspring, is most guilty for this consumptive taint; and for not entailing robustness. He has no right to leave these eventful conse- quences “at loose ends.” He is solemnly bound to Azzoze, beforehand that his wife is not consumptive. . What if he is honest, kind, devout, fatherly, and all that, yet did he not cause their death? And is not caus- ing it by hereditary entailment as wicked as by poison? What if he knew no better? He should have known. What right has he to subject them to the consequences of a broken hereditary law any more than by throwing them down a precipice to subject them to the broken law of gravity? or cast- ing them into the fire to oblige them to suffer its penalties? Hereditary Disease. Since offspring are paramount, and since their original endowments are the great de- terminers of their characters; therefore those are most guilty who so marry as to curse them with bad proclivities, but most blessed who confer good ones. “This looks ahead a great way,” you say. Not very far ahead of marriage. Though the results of good and of poor children con- tinue as long as you or any of your descend- ants exist, whether on this side of death or the other, yet they naturally do and should begin soon after marriage. Again you say, “For young people to thus canvass each other's parental qualities before or during courtship, is at least indeli- cate, if not improper.” Is Nature “improper”? Is rearing chil- dren “indelicate”? Is providing for good children any more “immodest” than for poor? All depends on the manner, nothing on the fact. Nature makes, and therefore you should make children the specific A SOUR DYSPEPTIC. object of all marriage. If this is “indeli, cate,” then is being a male or a female im- proper, and courting, loving, marrying, and bearing children, immodest. She who looks this only legitimate end of marriage fully in its philosphic face will make an immeasur- ably better wife and mother than she could possibly make if her “mock-modesty” ignored it; for this puts her love on the pure, while that leaves it on the squeamish and therefore immodest plane. Those too delicate to ascer- tain their parental adaptations to each other are but mockish prudes, and most indelicate. Those whose modesty ignores this kind of information, are quite too modest to marry or bear children at all; and to be consistent, should never love, or look at the other sex, or even be sexed; and are welcome to the results of their fastidiousness. Every stage of reproduction, from the first I 34 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE ANL DOMESTIC LIFE. dawnings of love, through selection, marri- age, paternity, and maternity, is no more indelicate, in itself, than sleeping, except that “as a man th?n/éeth in his heart so 2s ne.” No; SO choosing, loving, and marry- ing as to produce magnificent children, is modest; while marrying for any other motive is most decidedly “immodest.” MEAN OLD MISER. You, young, pure, wholesome girl, affec- tionate, bright, and domestic in your tastes, should not marry a man who has bad habits, or is ever likely to have them. Heaven forbid that you should ever be the wife of a dissipated husband. Persons to be Avoided. You should not receive the attentions of a thin, sallow-faced, sour dyspeptic. His foul stomach will kill the health of yours: I mean that by his gloomy, draggy, low vital- ity and cheerless, dismal disposition, he will drive you to dyspepsia or Something worse, if there is anything worse, and you will find that you might as well go and be a nurse in a hospital, or live in a graveyard, as to attempt to extract comfort and happiness from your alliance with such a living corpse. Seek a man with good digestion—round, full, ruddy—if you can find him, genial, as health is almost sure to be, a live man, not a half dead one. And if you are a dyspeptic, you certainly don’t want a dyspeptic husband. I would rather have a pocket-book flat as the traditional pan-cake than to have a caved- in stomach. Young lady, do not marry a mean, miserly man. You might almost as well marry a spendthrift, for in either case you will be lucky if you ever get hold of any money. Men don’t wear hair-pins, nor feathers, nor ribbons, nor lace and fringes, and a close- fisted, narrow, miserly man will begrudge every penny you spend. He will grow mean as he grows older. He will tie up his money in an old stocking, and you can go without stockings. The Stingy Husband. There are 1men who dig and scheme, and almost work their life out to “get ahead.” It is a remarkably good thing to get ahead and have money laid up, but not at the ex- pense of present comforts and rational pleas- ures. These men toil as if trying to keep out of the poor-house, and lay up money, Heaven only knows for what or whom. They starve themselves and families, and when they are gone those who get the money will buy for them the cheapest tomb- stone they can get, if any at all. A fine time they have spending the old man's money. One of these misers went one day and told the undertaker that when he died and the undertaker came to bury him, it must be a pine coffin—he couldn't afford anything ſhetter. He had become so accustomed to having everything cheap, that he wanted to die cheap. And you, young man, look out whom you marry. A woman may be of such an age that she is called an “old maid,” yet she may WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 35 be twenty-five years younger in heart and hope, courage and industry, than that girl only twenty years old. That girl of twenty may be the old maid—crabbed, sour, exact- ing, stiff—a creature to be avoided—her mouth eternally drawn down and her nose turned up—keep clear of her! Give her a wide berth—in fact, let her have it all to herself. She will be so prim that neither anybody nor anything will suit her. She will freeze you in July. She is an icicle with a female hat on. To whom is such a person suited 2 Nobody. Neither is the mean man, nor the pale dyspeptic, nor the dissipated wretch whose hat and windows have holes in them big enough to defy ever being stuffed or unended. Similarity the Cardinal Requisite. Both must be substantially alike. Like likes like, and affiliates with it; but dislikes | unlike, and fails to intermingle there with. Do not elephants associate and mate with elephants, wolves with wolves, cattle with cattle, and all animals with those of their ozen kind, instead of with other kinds? “Birds of a feather flock together.” The very rocks affiliate with their own kindred— all granite here, all slate there, all marble elsewhere. And human beings like their kind better than beasts, and commune with each other better than with brutes. To argue a point thus clear is superfluous. Similarity is equally the attractive princi- ple of all special likes and friendships; as difference is the repelling of dislikes. Do not the Malay, Ethiopian, Caucasian, and Indian races mingle each with its own race more freely than with any other? Those who love to chew, Smoke, stimulate, swear, steal, think, pray, trade, work, love best to associate with those of similar proclivities, not with those of opposite dispositions. Those of any religious faith attract and are attracted to those of a like faith, as Catho- lics, Baptists, Mohammedans, Progressives, Prohibitionists. Clanism is but the instinct- ive outworking of this principle. Is not similarity the great bond of all affiliations, * * * * * * & * * * *. sº ~ * s* >s s & -> sº g § \\ } à S. \ º § * º eº t N Ž CRABBED OLD MAID, likes, and friendships; and dissimilarity, of antagonisms? Not only do philosophers fraternize with philosophers, poets with poets, etc.; but individual men and women choose for intimate friends those as nearly like themselves in tastes, doctrines, habits, likes, etc., as possible. Are not those whom friendship's sacred ties bind together drawn to each other by like traits? They love each other because each likes the same things. Christians love Christians, but dislike atheists; while vota- ries of any science love students of the same science best. Do you like to commune best with those who perpetually agree with, or contradict you? Let facts, on the largest and most ramified scale, attest. Those who I 36 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. dispute this palpable fact are unworthy of notice. Of love this is especially true. Are not its laws identical with those of friendship, of which it is in part composed? Does not love commence in, and consist in part of it? JOSEPH W. FIFER. Large, active brain ; nervous---mental temperament; fine grain and magnetic force; type of self-made man ; late Governor of Illinois. This proves that the laws of either are those of the other. Do not men like those women best, and women men, who are the most /i/ºe themselves? Do not those of special beliefs 1ove best to commune with those of the same belief? women, and superior women weak-minded men, the most? Instead, do not intellectual, pious, and refined men like those women loest who have like characteristics? Do lovers select each other on account of simi- larities? or dissimilarities? Do not those who are religious prefer those who love to worship at their own altar? Do alienations arise from similar, or opposite traits? Two finding themselves alike on certain points, too hastily infer similarity on all points, but Do talented men love silly soon find those differences which displease and alienate both. If you were to choose again, would you select one similar, or oppo- site? As concordant notes delight, but dis- cordant pain; so with concordant and dis- cordant spirits. ** Oil and Water Will not, Unite.” Those who have more affection than re- ligion can love in spite of these differences; while the stronger the piety, the greater the necessity that they be religiously alike. Even when sympathetic at marriage, a change in either becomes a wall of separa- tion between them. Those alike in other respects may be able to tolerate this differ- ence; yet one who has a low, short-top head, can never satisfy one whose top head is high, wide, and long. Paul well says, “Marry, but only in the Lord.” Mark how abso- 1utely these three laws of mind demonstrate this point: 1. We like what renders us happy, be- cause thereof, and in proportion thereto; but hate whatever makes us miserable, be- cause of this misery, and in its proportion. This is the only cause and measure of all 1ikes and dislikes, animal and human. In- deed, by this involuntary shrinking from pain, and love of enjoyment, nature drives us from disobedience, and attracts us to obedience, of her laws; and has therefore rendered it both necessary in itself, and a universal concomitant of sensation. 2. All normal action of all our faculties makes us happy, all abnormal miserable; and the more so the stronger they are. This is a first law and condition of all happiness and misery. 3. Similar and normal faculties awaken each other agreeably, but dissimilar and ab- normal ones, disagreeably. Thus, large ideality or taste delights large, and is de- lighted by it, but disgusted by small; and WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 37 thus of each and all the other faculties. One large in beauty, and therefore de- lighted with perfection, but disgusted with the coarse and slatternly, marries one who has beauty also large, and is therefore con- tinually feasting his taste with new manifes- tations of elegance and perfection in man- ners, expression, and sentiment; besides pointing out to his admiring tastes a con- stant succession of fresh beauties in nature, poetry, and character; thus perpetually re- increasing his happiness by inciting this large faculty; his large beauty meanwhile as constantly delighting hers; so that their be- ing alike in this respect is a constant source of happiness, and therefore means of love to looth. Whereas, if he marries one whose deficient taste is constantly tormenting his refinement, while she suffers constant practi. cal reproof from his large beauty, or zice zersa, their dissimilarity becomes a per- petual eyesore to both. The practical dif- ference is heaven-wide between marrying one who is similar, and dissimilar. Mormons for Mormons. A pious woman, whose large worship gives her exquisite pleasure in devotion, marries one who takes equal pleasure in the same worship, both enjoying all the more pleasure in each other, because they love to worship the same God, “under the same vines and fig-trees.” Her worship reawak- ens his, which makes him happy in her, and therefore love her ; while his, by reawaken- ing hers, continually renders her happy in him, and therefore increases her love for him ; whereas if he is an atheist, this differ- ence abrades and pains her worship, makes her unhappy in him, and compels her to dislike him ; while his, regarding her piety as superstition, detracts from his happiness in, and therefore love for, her; and this re- ligious discord impairs their union in other respects. Hence, every sect enjoins marry- ing within itself, as Mormons, Catholics, Quakers, and many others, to avoid spats and quarrels which would otherwise surely occur. If either loves to ride fast, and the other slow, how can they possibly ride together without making one or the other unhappy? THEODORE THOMAS. Motive temperament; well-balanced physique; well known musical director; adapted to one who is simi- larly an enthusiast in music. When one loves parties, style, gayety, or fashion, and the other considers them foolish, or regards them with aversion, can they be as happy in each other, and therefore love each other as well as if both liked or disliked the same things? If both take delight in pursuing the same studies together, will not this mutual delight render them much happier in each other, and there- fore more affectionate, than if one liked but the other disliked the same books? Did not Milton's conjugal difficulty grow out of dis-similarity ? He was talented, philc- sophical, poetical ; but his wife despised what he liked, and liked those gayeties which he contemned. dress, 138 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. If one loves rural or city life the best, both should love the same life; but if either loves fruits, or flowers, or stock best, the other's loving the same will promote their union, while disliking it will alienate both. If one, having large conscience, scrupu- lously loves the right and hates the wrong, while the other, having it small, cares little for either, and is constantly upbraiding the moral sense of the other, how can they live as happily and lovingly together as if both were either scrupulous or unscrupulous 2 Can he whose large order is delighted by method, and pained by disorder, be as happy in, or loving with, her whose small order is perpetually leaving everything in complete confusion, as if both liked order, or cared little for it? If one believes in free love, should not both give and take the largest liberties? And what is jealousy, with all its aggravated miseries, but dissimilarity in this essential respect? Is not similarity, even in the wrong, more promotive of con- jugal concord, than if one is right and the other wrong, or either condemns what the other likes? Do marked differences render the differing the more happy when loving each other, or the less so P Let all who love atteSt. The Cause of Strife. Do you, who are unhappy, repel each other wherein you agree, or disagree ? Do you love the more the more you differ, or the less? Are you unhappy because alike, or unlike? Do not opposite views always and necessarily engender alienations? In a di- vorce suit, do their similarity, or dis-simi- larity cause their collision ? Say, further, you who are happily mated, does not your own blessed experience attest that you are happy in, and therefore fond of, each other wherein, because, and in proportion as, you are alike, instead of unlike 2 Of the social affections, this is doubly true. Let a public example both prove and illustrate this point. Many years ago a fair actress captivated a millionaire, who followed her from city to city, and continent to con- timent, strewing her stage with rich bouquets and presents, and everywhere tendering her his hand, heart and immense fortune, till finally, to get rid of his importunities, she married him; and yet this very suitor sued for a divorce, because, loving her with pas- sionate fondness, he required a like affection- ate ardor in return ; yet her barely tolerating llis ardor, instead of reciprocating it, first chilled, then reversed his love, turning his ardor into animosity, till he hated her as pas- sionately as he had before loved; whereas, if she had loved him as heartily as he her, their mutual happiness and love would have been proportionately complete. As well wed summer to winter, or ice to fire, as those who are passionate to those passionless; or those who love to caress and be caressed, to those who are distant and reserved ; or one gushing and glowing, to one who is stoical. Unite, they never can. ** Birds Of a Feather.” Nature's universal motto is, “Each after its own kind.” She absolutely must inter- dict hybridism, except to a limited degree, so as to preserve each respective class of her pro- ductions separate from all others. Universal amalgamation would spoil all. She both keeps her human productions separate from all others, and even forbids the intermixture of the different races, by depriving mulattoes of both the Negro stamina and Caucasian ill- telligence, besides running out their pro- geny, and rendering the intermarriage of Squaws with whites always infelicitous, and cross-breeds weakly ; and the children of dissimilar parentage can almost always be designated by their imperfect phrenologies, WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 39 and physiologies, and tendencies to hobby- isms and extremes, while those of similar parentage are homogeneous and harmonious. Dissimilarities Which Improve Love. But some one says: misrepresent that Nature you claim to en- throne; for contrasts really do affiliate. The grave frequently love the gay, and gay the grave. How often do the stork- like prefer the dowdy ; spare, fleshy; posi- tive, negative; Hibernian, stoical; deter- mined, submissive ; slovenly, tidy; talk- ative, demure; and talented men, affection- ate women ; coln1nlon Imell, uncommon wo- men. Is not this acknowledged Anglo- Saxon superiority traceable directly to the wholesale 2nterming/ing of the ancient Britons, Picts, Celts, and Romans, both with each other, and the Normans, Danes, and many more ? Nations not thus crossed, are either stationary or declining, like Spain, India, and all Eastern nations. Is not this influx of foreigners from all Europe, Asia, and Africa into our country its most auspi- cious omen of future development? Has not this very crossing law already effected all those recent astonishing improvements attained throughout the animal kingdom, and even the floral and pomal? Did not Van Mons originate every one of his deli- cious kinds of pears, now the pride of horti- culture and diet of epicurean princes, by ju- dicious crossings, yet not one by similarity ? Astonishing improvements have been, and may be, effected by this same union of off- posites, instead of similarities. Something is wrong somewhere.” Parental balance is the great condition of progenal perfection. Proportion is a para- mount natural law. Nature maintains equi- libriums throughout all her productions and functions. All vegetable and sylvan roots and tops are and must be in proportion to “You certainly each other; because each produces the other. Cut off either without also amputating the other, and you damage it that much. Cut down the top, and the root dies from self- gorging ; or amputate roots, as in transplant- ing trees, without trimining top equally, and -> **** 2. \\ Nº. §s; ſ * \ wº f NORSE SEA-KING, Strong masculine organization, with prominent nose, brawny muscles and resolute bearing; splendid type of force, will, daring, and ability to rule. they languish ; but cut off as much top in resetting as root in digging up, and they Scarcely mind the change. Exercise, breath- ing, digestion, circulation, perspiration, ex- cretion, sleep, etc., always are and must be in proportion to each other. Increasing or diminishing exercise increases or diminishes them all. Head and body must be equally balanced as to each other; else precocity or obesity ensues; and all the mental powers must be equilibrious to all; else a warped judgment, and idiosyncrasy of character and conduct must follow. The whole, not merely a part, is to be considered. Nature works wonders in maintaining this balance where it exists, and establishing it 140 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. where it does not. She will not let one part of any of her productions greatly predomin- ate over the other parts; but ordains that there shall be about as much strength in the stomach as head, and in the heart and mus- cles as either, but no more in either than in s SS AN IDIOT. Offspring of two sluggish parents, both weak 1nent- ally and physically. all the others; and strive to bring whatever is seriously disproportionate back to equili- brium. To create it along with life is her great aim. And she begins early—in and by love's selec- tions themselves; causing those who are in balance to choose those like themselves, and those not, to select those who offset their ex- tremes, mental and physical. Both the law itself and the end subserved, seem almost too plain to need even illustration ; yet the su- perlative importance of this law demands our giving enough examples of it to make it fully understood. The more so, since it will show many discordants that, and why, their very “bones of contention” should be gnawed to- gether amazcably, as having a great deal of conjugal meat on them for their mutual rel- ish and nourishment. Both doctrines are substantially correct. That of similarity is applicable to one set of cases, while that of dissimilarity is the law of another. Principles thus important, and governing human interests as illomentous as love, selection, and offspring, deserve those copious illustrations which shall show pre- cisely zºhat qualities each one should select. From a task thus critical, one might well shrink, unless guided by unmistakable natural laws. When Physical Dissimilarities are Dest. Nature has 1her inside and outside circles, which man must not transcend, but within which she allows full liberty. Thus those about average in height and weight may marry those who are about average, or in either extreme; while those in either ex- treme should marry opposites, in order to average their children. Thus very tall men love very short women, in order that their children may be neither; whereas, if very tall men should marry very tall women, this doubling would render their children incon- veniently spindling. Coarse, powerful, loggy, and easy tempera- 1ments must not marry similar, lest their children be still lower. The accompanying engraving, of one of four idiotic children, furnishes a practical illustration of the evils of the union of two low ones. Though both his parents passed tolerably well in society, and were fairly sensible and in- telligent, yet all their children were mon compos menţis, and this one so much a fool that he could never even feed himself; whereas, if each parent had married a more spicy temperament, their children would doubtless have been brighter and better than themselves, instead of as now, lower. How often are a strong, robust, coarse, shaggy-locked, red-faced, powerful man, and most exquisitely susceptible, fine-grained, delicate, refined, and pure-minded woman, drawn together? One would think her WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I4 I delicacy would revolt at his coarseness, and his power despise her exquisiteness. What attracts them 2 Her need of animality. By presupposition her delicate organism has about exhausted her sparse fund of vitality, so that she is perishing for want of this first requisite of life, and naturally gravitates to one who eliminates sufficient animal mag- netism to support both ; so that she literally lives on his surplus animal warmth and vital- ity, he being all the better for this draft; while she pays him back by refining and Ǻ) ©; »4% a double amount of energy over those who are either small and excitable, or large and sluggish. Great sizes, along with extreme susceptibility, expend too much power, and hence should intermarry with those at least good-sized, in order to balance their undue ardor with the other's coolness and power. If escorting a woman of more commanding appearance than himself should mortify a small man, he should feel proud that he could win one his physical superior, and had better mortify himself a little, than his M 1 S M A T E D. Both nervous, lcan, irritable, dyspeptic; constant frictions in Inarried life, each exasperating the other; not suited to each other; each should have married one more robust, patient and amiable. elevating him; and their children inherit his powerful animal organism, along with her exquisite taste and moral tone; and are therefore far better than if both parents were powerfully animalized, or both exquisitely emotional. What Sizes Should Mate. Size is one measure of power, and nervous excitability, of its expenditure. Hence those who are both large and excitable will expend Yet she need not exceed him much in stature, especially if prominent- featured and rather large framed; for a good- sized woman is but little larger than a small- sized man. Yet the wife of a large man really should have a large mouth, and a tough, enduring temperament, with good 1muscles. children always. Tom Thumb, a dwarf himself, confessed uo a most Imarked preference for good-sized I42 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. women; and his child by his dwarf wife weighed only two pounds at birth, lingered, and died. “Little folks” must not marry little, unless they are willing to have still smaller children; but must marry good-sized, and their chil- dren will be medium. I, so very excitable that my surplus exci- tability becomes a source of pain to me, marry a woman equally excitable. Of course Her excitability perpetually provokes mine, which thus makes me miserable with her, which makes me dislike her; while mine redoubles hers, which makes her miserable with me, which makes her dislike me; while our children, if we had any, besides being so extremely fiery-tempered that there is no doing anything with them, would also be so irritable physically that the first breath of disease would blow them into a premature grave in a day. They would die almost before we knew they were sick; whereas, per contra, if I marry a calm, patient woman, whose quiet, gentle, forbearing tones and spirit soothe my excitability, this would make me happy in her, and therefore love her; while my surplus excitability would tone up her passivity, which would make Her happy in me, and therefore love me; and both contribute greatly to our having children, render them midway between both, well-balanced, and both likely to live, and harmonious and excellent; besides their soothing me, and exhilarating her. Two very excitable persons rarely produce chil- dren; that very fire which would render their issue poor, cutting off their power to have any. • Tom Thumb and Commodore Nutt furnish like applications of this prevention as to size. This illustration expounds a lazy applicable to all the extremes of all, which should govern all marital selections. You violate it at your own, mate's and children's peril. How beautiful nature's plan for preventing poor children, and obviating the faults, and promoting the excellences, of all future gen- erations. Mark our next point as bearing on this. Should Those Tainted with Disease Marry, and Whom ‘’ Shall those tainted with any diseases or deformities, physical or mental, or those hereditarily predisposed to theft, lust, or any other vices, be allowed, or allow themselves to marry? Rev. Dr. Bartoll, an excellent authority, says: “If we would have no monsters about us, let not idiots or insane pair, or scrofulous or consumptives, those soaked in alcohol or conceived in lust, entering the world dis- eased in body or mind, or overweighed with any propensity or passion, be allowed to marry, any more than we would have a nur- sery for wolves and bears, or cultivate poi- sonous ivy, deadly night-shade, or apple-fern in the inclosures of our houses, our yards and fields. Society, by righteous custom, if not by statute law, has a right to prevent, to forbid the multiplication of monstrous specimens of humanity. That mewling, puking, drooling, wailing baby ought not to exist; it is no blessing, but a curse of nature and God on the misdoing of 1men and wo- Imen.” George Combe takes like, though not equally extreme ground; and himself post- poned marriage and married a wife after both were too old to become parents. Thousands entertain like views, and abstain from marriage lest they entail diseases or " deformities on issue. Some go even further, and argue that only the best should be al- lowed to procreate, as in animals. This question is too personally important to too many not to be adjudicated on first principles. WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I43 Most who can, may multiply; because progeny is as natural a birthright as eating. All our faculties were created only to act. As a right to exercise lungs, stomach, mus- cles, eyes, etc., accompanies their bestowal; so a right to exercise every mental faculty inheres in their birthright possession. Shall human authority forbid what divine more than permits—imperiously commands, and even necessitates? How can society prevent? Those inter- dicted would rebel, and seek clandestinely that intercourse forbidden them by law, and leave illegitimate issue if denied legitimate. Shall the law marry only those Imen and women sexually and morally vigorous? and emasculate all inferior boy babies? How would it be possible to draw the lines impar- tially as to who should and who should not suffer the surrender of these marital rights? Or what their rules of allowing and inter- dicting? The difficulties in the way of such a course are insurmountable. Nature Does Her Work Well. God adjudicates this identical matter by His natural law, in rendering childless all who cannot have children Imuch better than none. Harlots rarely become mothers, be- cause their depravities would make their issue worthless. All infants endowed with strength enough to be born, can, by proper regimen, attain a full human life, and die of old age. Nature will not begin what she cannot consummate, provided she is allowed her own facilities, and generally interdicts parentage to those either too young, too old, too debilitated, or diseased anywhere, or de- formed, or depraved, to impart sufficient of all the human functions to enable their chil- dren, by a right hygiene, to live to a good age, and well worthy to inhabit her “prem- ises.” By this simple arrangement she fore- stalls all those diseases, deformities, and Inarked imperfections which would other- wise impair, if not spoil, universal humanity. “Passably good, or none; nothing, rather than bad,” are her mottoes. When God thus speaks, let man silently acquiesce; nor human law interdict what natural law both licenses and enjoins. Marrying opposites, the point we are urg- ing, will generally give good children, if any, or at least the luxury of marriage. Two extremely excitable persons are not likely to become parents together, especially if both are extra amorous; whereas, both could be fruitful with a calm, cool partner. Two predisposed to consumption might be barren, or have consumptive children; yet, by marrying robust partners, parent good children. Weakness Should Marry Strer:gth. By a right application of this law, those predisposed to insanity may become the pa- rents of perfectly healthy children. Indeed, talanted men are often descended from a family so extremely susceptible on one side as to be almost crack-brained, but on the other endowed with extreme physical hardi- hood; their children inheriting their men- tality from the highly organized side, along with the physiology of the hardy; whereas, if both parents had been thus gifted, their offspring would not have possessed sufficient animal power to manifest their commanding talents, but have died on the threshold of distinction; SO that even insane proclivities need not be an absolute barrier to marriage with a stoical or phlegmatic person. Those of consumptive tendency may mar- ry, but only opposites. If such a man Inar- ries a woman having extra good lungs, she will both supply him with needed vitality, and also transmit good lungs to their mutual children, who will inherit from him that mentality which accompanies consumptive I44 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. proclivities, superadded to her abundant vitality, and may entirely escape all con- Sumptive proclivities, as though born of parents having no consumptive taint. By a judicious application of this law, all other hereditary tendencies may be obviated, and even replaced with excellent characteristics. JAMES RANDOLPH. Slim neck; long face; sharp features; type of “old- fashioned consumptive; ” unfortunate organization. All required is, that when either is weakly or unsound in any particular respect, the other should be sound and vigorous in this same respect. Like weaknesses in the other party must by all means be scrupulously avoided. Or even one parent may be pre- disposed to one disease, and the other to another, yet their children escape both, pro- vided the predisposition in each is offset by opposite physical qualities in the other; though when not thus offset, they are in great danger of inheriting the diseases of both. But when both parents are predis- posed to consumption, their children are still more so. A spare, thin-cliested, consumptive neigh- bor, who married into a consumptive family, buried his wife of consumption after she had borne Seven children, and has buried his last child but one of this disease, two lovely daughters on the eve of marriage, and ex- pects every spring to bury this remaining one, thus inflicting untold agony on himself and his entire family; whereas, if he had Selected a well-vitalized wife, all his children would have been born robust, and lived to bless themselves, him, and mankind. Mean- while, he piously regards this penalty of a broken natural law as a “dispensation of divine Providence.” What pious blas- phemyl What a libel on the Divine government To illustrate through the eye: James Randolph, a brilliant writer, died of con- Sumption; and his subjoined likeness furn- ishes a good illustration of those hered- itarily tainted with this disease; namely, spare, slim, thin-faced and lipped, long-faced, sharp-featured, and sunken below the eyes. Now, let him marry one having a robust form. Yet he must not dare marry Miss Slim, thougll much the Smarter woman. Of course all should be the more thankful the better constituted they are; yet those least endowed should exult in possessing even the poorest constitutions, rather than none, and make the best of what they have. What Parents Transmit. Nature never transmits disease, but only weakly organs. Thus the children of parents, llowever consumptive, are seldom born with diseased lungs, but only with them small, or susceptible; so that if they generate disease by violating the health laws, it settles on these weak organs, and superinduces disease. The real cause of their death is not heredi- tary proclivities, but infractions of the health | laws, without which this hereditary tendency THE FRUIT-GATHERERS. who ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I45 would have remained dormant. Nature will not transmit any actual disease, local or general, but only weakness or susceptibility. And then she counterbalances even these, by always obliging strong organs to succor weak ones ; and likewise by causing the weakest to grow the fastest; on the principle that over-eating induces sleep, by withdrawing energy from the brain, nerves, and muscles to aid the over-taxed stomach. And linger- ing diseases consume all the strong and sound organs before death ensues. Weakly organs, when the liealth-laws are fulfilled, grow stronger with age; thus both repelling. disease, and completing a good, fair luman life. How often do feeble children, by virtue of this law of growth, become stronger as they grow older, and 1make liealthy adults? WIlat Deformities are, and are not, Objectionable. This principle applies to all other diseased proclivities, yet is too obvious to need alm- plification in a physical direction. There- fore few need abstain from marriage lest they taint their issue; yet those thus tainted absolutely must 1marry opposites; and then cultivate both their own and children's weak organs. These two simple conditions, car- ried out, would rid the world, in the very next generation, of all forms and degrees of hereditary diseases. How beautiful is this natural provision, and low infinitely impor- tant, yet almost wholly overlooked Of looks we say nothing, because each can judge for him and herself how far their tastes are offended by this deformity and that. Their impairment of issue alone concerns our subject. Of this there is little danger. The children of those whose teeth have been extracted have just as good teeth as others; and thus of amputated limbs, lost eyes, etc. Maimed soldiers will have just as good children as if they had not been maimed. The children of humpbacks, male and female, will be just as straight-backed as if their parents were straight. The children of a woman with one leg shortened by a sprain, or a white swelling, are no more likely to be similarly deformed than if both her limbs were alike. */º aſſº iſ ſ (ſ/2% *~. s lºº º ºg \ w º \\ N Aº 'S **** §º .. ! !/ *#ss & -5,---- ANIMAL ORGANIS M. Low intellect; sensual features; bad temper; type of human brute. Birth-marks, such as facial and other blotches, club-feet, etc., rarely descend. Any girl is just as 1marriageable with them as without. Yet such poor girls are usually “let alone” by men, for they love physical perfection in women ; who love those men deformed about as well as if they were per- fect. These birth-marks are objectionable which penetrate the grazil, and injure the organism. Those whose mother's fright sapped their brain and blunted their senses will parent flats, if any. But a sexually healthy hump- back girl will bear better children than a straight one sexually impaired. Temperaments, Forms, Noses, etc. Since few have well-balanced heads or bodies, most require to marry their opposites in one or more respects. Almost all have too much brain for body, or body for brain; I O r" I46 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. or else too much or too little respiration, or digestion, or circulation, or muscle, for their other physical functions. Those who are medium in complexion, stature, etc., who are neither extra dark nor light, large nor small, tall nor short, lean nor fat, etc., may marry those who are medium, or nearly like themselves in these respects, or in either extreme, or a little more or less so than themselves. Thus, those whose hair is neither dark nor light, but about midway between both, may marry those who are a shade darker or lighter than themselves, or a good deal darker or lighter, or even jet" black or bright red, as they may fancy, or as other circumstances may favor most, the complexion being not especially material; yet the darker one is, the lighter his or her companion should be. Certain Opposites Should Combine. . Bright red hair should marry jet black, and jet black auburn, or bright red. And the more red-faced and bearded or impulsive a man, the more dark, calm, cool and quiet should his wife be; and z/ice zersa. The florid should not narry the florid, but those who are dark in proportion as they them- selves are light. Red-whiskered men should marry bru- nettes but not blondes; the color of the whiskers being more determinate of the tem- perament than that of the hair. The color of the eyes is still more impor- tant. Gray eyes must marry Some other color, almost any other, except gray; and so of blue, dark, hazel, etc. Those very fleshy should not marry those equally so, but those too spare and slim ; and this is doubly true of females. A spare man is much better adapted to a fleshy woman than a round-favored man. Two who are short, thick-set, and stocky, should not unite in marriage, but should choose those differ- ently constituted; but on 11o account one of their own make. And, in general, those predisposed to corpulence are therefore less inclined to marriage. Those with little hair or beard should marry those whose hair is naturally abun- dant; still, those who once had plenty, but who have lost it, may marry those who are either bald or have but little; for in this, as in all other cases, all depends on what one is by AWature, little on present states. Those whose motive-temperament decidedly predominates, who are bony, only moderately fleshy, quite prominent-featured, Roman- nosed, and muscular, should not marry those similarly formed, but those either sanguine or nervous, or a compound of both ; for be- ing more strong than susceptible or emo- tional, they both require that their own emo- tions should be perpetually prompted by an emotional companion, and that their children also be endowed with the emotional from the other parent. That is, those who are cool should marry those who are impulsive and susceptible. Small, nervous men must not marry little nervous or sanguine women, lest both they and their children have quite too much of the hot-headed and impulsive, and die sud- denly. Generally, ladies who are small are therefore more eagerly sought than large. Of course this general fact has its exceptions. Some are small hereditarily, others rendered so by extra action in some form, over-study, over-work, or passional excitement; because during growth, their intense nervous systems consumed energy faster than their weak vital could manufacture it ; which dwarfed their Stature. Webster preferred little women; he coarse, they fine; he powerful, they susceptible; his love animal, theirs more sentimental; he forcible, they pliant. Short, rotund, small- WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I47 looned women attract and are attracted to tall and spare men; while slender women absolutely must wed stocky, wide-jowled, broad-shouldered men. Two very beautiful persons rarely do or should marry; nor two extra homely. The fact is a little singular that very handsome women, who of course can have their pick, rarely marry good-looking men, but gener- ally give preference to those who are homely; because that exquisiteness in which beauty originates, naturally blends with that power which accompanies huge noses, and dispro- portionate features. Psyche loved Apollo desperately, says Mythology, on account of his beauty. Now this must have been purely imaginary. No woman thus beautiful ever loved a handsome man, if she could find any other. Psyche would naturally choose a man of talents rather than of a good physique; and a right homely and even awkward man need not fear a refusal, if he is only powerful, original, logical, and Smart. Rapid movers, speakers, laughers, etc., should marry those who are calm and de- liberate, and impulsives those who are stoical; while those who are medium may marry those who are either or neither, as they prefer. * Masculine women, who inherit their father's looks, stature, appearance, and phy- sique mainly, should give preference to men who take most after mother, physically; whilst women cast strongly after their mother, should marry those men in whom the masculine form and physiology super- abound. º Noses indicate characters by indicating the organisms and temperaments. Accordingly, those noses especially marked either way, should marry those having opposite nasal characteristics. Roman noses are adapted to those which turn up, and pug noses, to those turning down; while straight noses may marry either. Narrow nostrils indicate small lungs. Such are adapted to those with broad nostrils, which accompany large lungs and vital organs. AN IGNORAMU.S. Low, narrow head; animal face; obstinate disposi- tion ; cntirely unsuited to an educated, well endowed WO1112111. President John Adams lived in the most poetic affection with his wife over half a century. He had all the signs of a vigorous Sexuality, along with that harmonious even- ness which would neither give nor take offence. He was so splendidly sexed that any and all women would love him ; be- sides being talented, moral, and most appre- ciative of the sex. He was best adapted to a woman rather tall, certainly not oval, but especially refined. A little irritability was His only fault. Heavy lower jaws, which signify animal vigor are adapted to light; but two with, heavy jowls would create too animal off. spring; and two thin ones, those too feeble physically to become, accomplish, or enjoy much. Large mouths and lips signify hearty sex- ualities. Small mouths in females are poorly adapted to large-featured, bony, broad-built, robust men. No two with narrow, retreating chins I 48 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. should marry; but such should pair off with those which are broad, prominent, and projecting downward. Two having fine soft hair and skin are not as well adapted in marriage as those having one the coarser, the other the finer; lest their offspring should be too exquisitely organized s STs S s § A JAIL-B|RD. Vicious face; large head in the rear and defective in front; mouth drawn down at the corners and nose thrust forward as if to explore other people's business. for their strength ; nor should two very coarse-haired, lest their children prove too coarse and animal ; yet those whose hair and skin are average, may marry fine, or coarse, or medium. Curls should not marry curls—except those easily taken off—but should select those whose hair lies so close and smooth as to fairly shine; while wavy hair is adapted to either or neither. These cases are instanced, among thou- sands of like ones, less on their own account than as illustrations of the law involved ; which, once understood, becomes a guide in all other cases. Still, none should be re- jected because of some minor conditions, provided the great outline characteristics are all right. A right mental adaption is, however, as much more important than a right physical, as the transmission of the mind is than that of the body. Gender, too, inheres mainly in the Inind. Then what laws govern mental affiliations? What Mental Traits Harmonize and Antagonize. Those which govern physical. In their great outline they must be substantially alike. Thus, a savage and a civilized do not harmonize as well as two Savages, or two who are civilized. No instances of genuine affec- tion obtain among all the marriages of white 1men with squaws, or African, or Malay wo- men, except where the latter have been first civilized. Could a bigoted heathen love a bigoted Christian 2 The more either sets by their religion, the less they would set by each other. Not only must Chinese marry Chinese, a Turk a Turk, and a Christian a Christian, but those of the same Christian faith must marry those of like tenets. Catho- lics naturally blend with Catholics, and Pro- testants with Protestants, never with those of opposite faith. That instance cannot be cited in which an extreme Catholic lives happily with an extreme Protestant. Each 1must attend their own church, which init- iates a religious divorce, and this breeds separation on all other points; besides, each will persist that their children shall be edu- cated in their own faith, but not in that of the other. Protestants affiliate with their own sect the most readily. Presbyterians love Pres- byterians, and Episcopalians attract and are attracted to Episcopalians, Methodists to Methodists, Baptists to Baptists, and thus of Unitarians, Trinitarians, Arians, Nothing- arians, Universalists, Spiritualists, Deists. Atheists. Let all who have ever loved, and are religious, attest whether similar religious views did not become a bond of union, and dissimilar, of antagonism. WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I49 Conflicting beliefs can love each other when their sexual attraction is sufficient to overcome religious differences; yet religi- ous harmony increases, and differences di- minish, their natural assimilation. So great is this sexual attraction, that a Savage man and civilized woman can live happily to- gether; yet how much more cordially could Savage live with Savage, and one of his own tribe, and civilized with civilized, and one of their own or like mode of civilization. Even those of different nationalities will find their national differences a source of many more discords than concords, and should marry only when love is sufficiently strong to overrule this national antagonism. “A Cold, Distant Man.” Lack of affection in both will render their marriage and offspring tame, even though both are talented and moral. At least one should be affectionate, better if both are ; yet her lot is hard, who, with warm, gushing affection, is repulsed when she expresses it. She who dearly loves to be caressed and fondled, should be ; and if she marries a cold, distant man, whose love is merely personal, she must expect to pine and starve, and dispense, during maternity, with that sympathy and tenderness so much needed. Few are perfect, mentally and sentimen- tally; therefore most require to offset their excesses and defects by marrying those unlike themselves. They must be sufficiently alike, in the majority of their great outline charac- teristics, to fuse their differences; but since almost all have too much or little caution, kindness, selfishness, taste, justice, etc., most need to marry those unlike themselves, in one or more respects. Evenly-balanced heads may marry either those well or poorly balanced, yet prefer those well balanced. Those who marry even, may expect their children to be good, yet not remarkable; those who marry con- trasts, may look for those of bolder outlines, who will be noted for something special. Yet if these differences are considerable, they produce miserably balanced children, usually unfortunate and unhappy. OBSTINACY. Low, wide head; small moral faculties compared with the baser; wide, firmly set jaws, and mouth that shuts like an iron vise ; self-willed and tyrannical. Men of the Feminine Gender. Strongly feminized men, who inherit after mother or grandmother, should marry strongly masculinized women, who take chiefly after their fathers, so as to secure both the male and female characteristics. Dependent and vine-like women are always drawn most to positive, firm, wilful, authori- tative men, who love to command, and take the responsibility; while strongly feminized 1men need “strong-minded,” forcible women —those related to the Amazons—to assume the responsibility, and spur on to effort; yet Some of this class require to marry men who are stili firmer than themselves, and forcible enough to create deference. A woman, to love a man well, must look up to him with respect; yet all women despise weak, vacil- lating men. No woman who has much feminine intuition can possibly love a putty 111a11. Men who love to command, must be especially careful not to marry imperious, I 50 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. women’s-rights women; while those who willingly “obey orders,” need just such. Some men require a wife who shall take their part; yet all who do not need strong- willed women, should be careful how they marry them. Unless you love to be opposed, be careful not to marry one who often argues and talks back; for discussion before marri- age becomes obstimacy after. ** A Crooked Stick. ** A sensible woman should not marry an obstinate but injudicious, unintelligent man; because she cannot long endure to See and help him blindly follow his poor, but spurn her good, plans. Though such men need just such women to help lay out their life-course, while such women could get on passably with such husbands who heeded their sug- gestions; yet such men plan poorly, blindly follow their own wills, and authoritatively compel their wives to help carry them out. Obstinate nien must be sensible, or else content with wives and children who are not. If they could only realize that such women are just the very ones they require, yet that they should always ask and heed their advice, they would render their wives' position most agreeable instead of painful, and every way most promotive of their mutual happiness and success. How im- portant a change would be effected by this apparently trifling conditionſ A submissive but intellectual woman may marry a man whose will is stronger, even though his intellect is smaller, than hers; yet it is better for both if his intellect is still larger than hers, so that she may repose in his superior judgment. Such a woman feels inadequate to assume responsibilities or set herself at work, and must have some guide. Naturally dependent, she must lean, though even on a crooked stick. Fortun- ately, however, she can adapt herself to al- 1most any man. Hence, if her second hus- band should be totally different from her first, and third from either, she could yet conform to each with equal ease ; and if force is large, will work most effectually and willingly with and for him, however opposite their specialties; besides quietly adapting herself to extreme vicissitudes, by making the best of what is. Such, especially if love is large, make the zery best of wives, be- cause efficient and sensible, yet affectionate and conformable. And there are many such. The reserved or secretive should marry the frank. A cunning man cannot endure the least artifice in a wife. Those who are non-committal 1must 1marry those who are de- monstrative; else however much they may love, neither will feel sure as to the other's affections, and each will distrust the other, while their children will be deceitful. Those who are frank and confiding also need to be constantly forewarned by those who are sus. picious. Lack of Resolution. A timid woman should never marry a hesitating man, lest, like flightened children, each keep perpetually re-alarming the other by imaginary fears; nor yet a careless man, for he would commit just indiscretions enough to keep her in perpetual “fear and trembling; ” but should marry one who is bold, yet judicious, so that her intellect, by reposing in his tried judgment, can feel safe, and let her trust in him quiet her natural fearfulness. A hopeless man should marry a resolute, hopeful woman, who is always telling how well things are going to turn out, and en- couraging, and who has sufficient judgment to be allowed the reins, lest the fears of both render him pusillanimous, and their children cowards. Many men live tame lives, though WHO ARE, AND ARE NOT, ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER. I 5 I abundantly capable of accomplishing almost anything, because too irresolute to once begin, whereas, with a judicious yet ex- pectant wife to prompt them to take initia- tory steps, they would fill responsible posi- tions. An industrious, thrifty, hard-working man should marry a woman tolerably saving and industrious. As the “almighty dollar ’’ is now the great motor-wheel of humanity, and that to which most husbands devote |//ſ, both to enjoy them together. Indeed, a good appetite in both can often be made to harmonize other discordant points, and promote concord. Men large in beauty should by no means marry women deficient in it; yet women in whom it is large may marry men in whom it is only fair, provided other traits are favorable; for a man of taste can never en- dure a slattern, while a woman of taste can bear with a man who is careless of appear- -SS-sº _s^2_ºssº sº ~2. -*. SY M v. N. \\ º º % % ſ Æ Ś. % º º Gº ./ ºs-e-º ſ ſº º Fº ESS Sis *- S- (l F A M | L Y J A R S. An ill-tempered pair; neither considerate or amiable; neither self-possessed and quiet when the other is enraged; too much alike in disposition, petulant, excitable, unreasoning, proving constantly the infelicitles of married life ; both human snapping-turtles. their entire lives, to delve alone is uphill work. Much more if she indulges in ex- . travagance. It is doubly important, there- fore, that both work together pecuniarily. But if either has property enough to create in both a feeling of contentment, large ac- quisition in the other is less important; yet a difference here often engenders opposition elsewhere. Good livers should marry—he to provide table luxuries, she to serve them up, and ances, and love him, provided he has suffi- cient power and stamina of character to eclipse this defect by his sterling character- istics; yet he must let her “fix him up nicely.” An Untidy Wife. A clergyman of commanding talents, su- perior eloquence, and the highest moral worth, was publicly described as likely to marry a woman of superior taste, refine- ment, personal neatness, beauty, elegance of I 52 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. manners, poetry, and many other like ex- pressions denoting large beauty; whereas she was the reverse; but he lived unhappily, and spent much of his time from home, be- cause he could not endure her coarseness and slatternly habits, and Inever took her out. He had married her money, and was any- thing but conjugally mated or happy; SO that the prediction was right in principle. The rule was proved by the evils consequent on its violation. Animal love excessive in both, prompts to that over-indulgence which breaks down the nervous systems of both, and renders their children too impulsive, fiery, and ani- mal; whereas, when one is passionate and the other passive, the former will inspire pas- sion in the latter, yet be toned down by the passive one; while their children will unite the Platonic love of the latter with the im- passioned of the former, and be better than either; whereas, its deficiency in both renders progeny too tamely constituted ever to enjoy or accomplish much. The irritable, yet approbative; must by no means marry those like themselves, lest the irritability of each, by blaming the other rouse mutual resentment. Yet if such are married, both must be especially careful how they cast any reflections; because the other party construes them to 1nean much more than was intended. Prob- ably more conjugal animosities originate in this wounded ambition than in any other faculty. Nothing as effectually rouses and intensifies every existing antagonism. Pride is a good thing, but must be respected and humored, at least not upbraided, or mor- tified. Even if a man can gratify a woman’s love of style and display, he must not cen- sure her in private, unless he is willing to kindle her hate, and spoil their children. Fault-finding beaux and girls during courtship, are sure to scold intolerably after 1marriage. If your moderate anibition can endure censure, marry; but if not, take timely warning from “straws.” One who is hard to please before marriage, will be 1much harder after; while one who patiently endures and forbears during courtship, will be more so after marriage, if kept in a love mood; and a beau who insists on having his way before, will be dogmatical if not domineering after; and must 1marry a meek, patient, accommodating woman. This counterbalancing law also governs the intellectual faculties. If a man who has large perceptives with small reflectives, marries a woman having large reflectives with small perceptives, since both transmit what is strongest in themselves, their chil- dren will inherit his large perceptives along with her large reflectives; thus possess- ing the perfections of both, unmarred by the imperfections of either. He can re- member, but not think; while she can think, but not remember; yet their children can both think and remember. This like- wise improves their copartnership. If he, unable to plan, should marry one equally deficient in causation, all their attempts must fail, because poorly devised; whereas prosperity now attends them, because her large causality does up the planning for both, and his perceptives the perceiving; so that both prosper much better together than if alike, or either separately. This is true of memory and judgment, of language and Sense, of poetry and philosophy, of each and all the intellectual capacities, so that these offsettings can be made to improve all mar- riages as well as offspring. When both have the same defects their offspring will show these defects in a greater degree. CHAPTER XIV. The Model Wife. HO makes the best wife? Not a weak, forceless, stupid, uneducated, giddy creature. The best wife has certain marked traits and characteristics, which every man should look for before put- ting his foot in any “entangling alliance,” and failing to find, should pause and not go a single step farther. One of these traits is industry. By in- dustry I do not mean 1merely laboriousness, merely labor or activity of body, for pur- poses of gain or of Saving; for there may be industry amongst those who have more money than they know well what to do with, and there 1may be lazy ladies, as well as lazy farmers' and tradesmen's wives. There is no state of life if, which industry in a wife is not necessary to the happiness and prosperity of the family, at the head of the household affairs of which she is placed. If she be lazy there will be lazy servants, and which is a great deal worse, children habitually lazy; everything, however neces- sary to be done, will be put off to the last moment; then it will be done badly, and in many cases not at all; the dinner will be too late; the journey or the visit will be tardy; inconveniences of all sorts will be continu- ally arising; there will always be a heavy arrear of things unperformed; and this, even amongst the most wealthy of all, is a great curse; for if they have no business imposed upon them by 11ecessity, they make business for themselves; life would be unbearable without it; and therefore a lazy woman must always be a curse, be her rank or sta- tion what it 1nay. But who is to tell whether a girl will make an industrious woman? How is the purblind lover especially, to be able to ascer- tain whether she, whose Smiles and dimples, and bewitching lips have half bereft him of his senses; how is he to be able to judge, from anything that he can see, whether the beloved object will be industrious or lazy? Why, it is very difficult; it is a matter that reason has very little to do with ; but there are, nevertheless, certain outward and visible signs, from which a man, not wholly de- prived of the use of his reason, may form a pretty accurate judgment as to this matter. It was a story in Philadelphia, some years ago, that a young man, who was courting one of three sisters, happened to be on a visit to her, when all the three were present, and when one said to the others, “I wonder where our needle is.” Upon which he with- drew, as soon as was consistent with the rules of politeness, resolved never to think more of a girl who possessed a needle only in partnership, and who, it appeared, was not too well informed as to the place where even that share was deposited. This was, to be sure, a very flagrant in- stance of a want of industry; for if the third part of the use of a needle satisfied her when single, it was reasonable to anticipate that marriage would banish that useful im- plement altogether. But such instances are seldom suffered to come in contact with the eyes and ears of the lover, to disguise all defects from whom is the great business, not only of the girl herself, but of her whole family. I 53 I 54 COURTSHIP, MARK1AGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. There are, however, certain outwardsigns, which, if attended to with care, will serve as pretty sure guides. And, first, if you find the tongue lazy, you may be nearly certain that the hands and feet are the same. By laziness of the tongue I do not mean silence; % 1, 13 * * à g ſ % ! . . ." § § ...º $ MARIO'ſ HARLAND. Strong motive-mental temperament; breadth and fullness of brain ; marked intellectual development; square face and form of mouth showing decision and determination ; appearance of robust health ; suited to a man of moderate force and firmness; well-known authoress. I do not mean an absence of talk, for that is, in most cases, very good; but I mean a slow and soft utterance; a sort of sighing out of the words instead of speaking them ; a sort of letting the sounds fall out, as if the party were sick at stomach. The pronunciation of an industrious person is generally quick, distinct, and the voice, if not strong, firm at the least. Not masculine; as feminine as possible; not a croak nor a bawl, but a quick, distinct, and sound voice. In this whole world nothing is much more hateful than a female's under-jaw lazily moving up and down, and letting out a long string of half- articulate sounds. It is impossible for any man who has any spirit in him, to love such a woman for any length of time, or find her a congenial companion. Look a little, also, at the labors of the teetlı, for these correspond with those of the other members of the body, and with the operations of the mind. “Quick at meals, quick at work, ” is a saying as old as the bills, in this, the most industrious nation upon earth ; and never was there a truer saying. Another mark of industry is, a quick step, and a somewhat heavy tread, showing that the foot comes down with a hearty good will; and if the body lean a little forward, and the eyes keep steadily in the same direc- tion, while the feet are going, so 1much the better, for these discover earnestness to arrive at the intended point. I do not like, and I never 1iked, your sauntering, soft-stepping girls, who move as if they were perfectly in- different as to the result; and, as to the love part of the story, whoever expects ardentand lasting affection from one of these sauntering girls, will, when too late, find his mistake: the character runs the same all the way through ; and no man ever yet saw a Saun- tering girl, who did not, when married, Imake a mawkish wife, and a cold-hearted mother; cared very little for either husband or children ; and, of course, having no store of those blessings which are the natural re- sources to apply to in sickness and in old age. TUp with the Lark. Early rising is another mark of industry; and though, in the higher situations of life, it may be of no importance in a mere pecuniary point of view, it is, even there, of importance in other respects; for it is, I should imagine, pretty difficult to keep love alive towards a woman who never sees the dew, never beholds the rising sun, and who constantly comes directly from a reeking bed to the breakfast table, and there chews with- THE MODEL WIFE. I 55 out appetite the choicest morsels of human food. A man might, perhaps, endure this for a month or two, without being dis- gusted ; but that is ample allowance of time. And as to people where a living and a pro- vision for children is to be sought by labor of some sort or other, late rising in the wife is certain ruin ; and 11ever was there yet an early rising wife who had been a late rising girl. If brought up to late rising, she will like it; it will be her habit; she will, when married, never want excuses for indulging in the habit. At first she will be indulged with- out bonds; to make a change afterwards will be difficult; it will be deemed a wrong done to her; she will ascribe it to diminished af. fection; a quarrel must ensue, or the husband must submit to be ruined, or, at the very least, to see half the fruit of his labor snored and lounged away. And is this being rigid? is it being harsh 2 is it being hard upon a woman 2 Is it the offspring of the frigid severity of age? It is none of these: it arises from an ardent desire to promote the happiness, and to add to the natural, legitimate, and salutary itifluence of the femalesex. The tendency of this advice is to promote the preservation of their health; to prolong the duration of their beauty; to cause them to be beloved to the last day of their lives; and to give them, during the whole of those lives, weight and consequence, of which laziness would render them wholly unworthy. “A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.” Frugality is another good trait. This means the contrary of extravagance. It does not mean stinginess; it does not mean a pinching of the stomach, nor a stripping of the back; but it means abstaining from all unnecessary expenditure, and all unnec- essary use of goods of any and of every sort; and a quality of great importance it is, whether the rank in life be high or low. How many men have been ruined and de- graded by the extravagance of their wives! More frequently by their own extravagance, perhaps; but, in numerous instances, by that KATE FIELD. Nervous mental temperament; quick perceptions; acute intellectual qualities; features, particularly the nose, indicating push and enterprise; active and ag- gressive , correspondent and writer on dress-reform. of those whose duty it is to assist in uphold- ing their stations by husbanding their for- tunes. If this be the case amongst the opulent, who have estates to draw upon, what must be the consequences of a want of frugality in the ordinary ranks of life? Here it must be fatal, and especially amongst that descrip- tion of persons whose wives have, in many cases, the receiving as well as the expending of money. In such a case, there wants nothing but extravagance in the wife to make ruin as sure as the arrival of old age. To obtain security against this is very dif. ficult; yet, if the lover be not quite blind, he may easily discover a propensity towards extravagance. The object of his addresses 156 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. will, nine times out of ten, not be the man- ager of a house; but she 1must 11ave her dress, and other little matters under her con- trol. If she be costly in these; if, in these, she step above her rank, or even to the top of it; if she purchase all she is able to pur- chase, and prefer the showy to the useful, the gay and the fragile to the less sightly and 1more durable, he may be sure that the dispo- sition will cling to her through life. If he perceive in her a taste for costly food, costly furniture, costly amusements; if he find her love of gratification to be bounded only by her want of 1means; if he find her full of admiration of the trappings of the rich, and of desire to be able to imitate them, he may be pretty sure that she will not spare his purse when once she gets her hand into it; and, therefore, if he can bid adieu to her charms, the sooner he does it the better. Earn her a llorse to ride, she will want a gig; earn the gig, she will want a chariot; get her that, she will long for a coach-and- four; and, from stage to stage, she will tor- 1ment you to the end of her or your days; for still there will be somebody with a finer equipage than you can give her; and as long as this is the case, you will never have rest. The Tidy Housekeeper. There 1must also be cleanliness. This is a capital ingredient; for there never yet was, and there never will be, love of long dura- tion, sincere and ardent love, in any man towards a “filthy mate.” I do not say that there are not men enough to live peaceably and even contentedly, with dirty, sluttish women; for there are some who seem to like the filth well enough. But what I contend for is this, that there never can exist, for any length of time, ardent affection in any man towards a woman who is filthy either in her person or in her house affairs. Men may be careless as to their own persons; they may, from the nature of their business, or from their want of time to adhere to neatness in dress, be slovenly in their own dress and habits; but they do not relish this in their wives, who must still have charms; and charms and filth do not go together. Neatness in Dress. It is not dress that the husband wants to be perpetual: it is not finery; but cleanliness is everything. The French women dress enough, especially when they sally forth. Mr John Tredwell, of Long Island, used to say that the French were “pigs in the parlor and peacocks on the promenade; * an allit- eration which “Canning's self” might have envied This occasional cleanliness is not the thing that an American husband wants: he wants it always; indoors as well as out; by night as well as by day; on the floor as well as on the table; and, however he may grumble about the “fuss” and the “ex- pense” of it, he would grumble more if he had it not. I once saw a picture representing the amusements of Portuguese lovers; that is to say, three or four young men, dressed in gold or silver laced clothes, each having a young girl, dressed like a princess, and affec- tionately engaged in hunting down and kill- ing the vermin in his head This was, per- haps, an exaggeration ; but that it should Ilave had the shadow of foundation, was enough to fill me with contempt for the whole nation. *. The dress is a good criterion in two res- pects; first, as to its color; for if the white be a sort of yellow, cleanly hands would have been at work to prevent that. A white- yellow cravat, or shirt, on a man, speaks at once the character of his wife; and, be you assured, that she will not take with your dress pains which she has never taken with her own. Then the manner of putting on THE MODEL WIFE. I 57 the dress is no bad foundation for judging. If it be careless, slovenly, if it do not fit properly, no matter for its mean quality: mean as it may be, it may be neatly and trim- ly put on ; and if it be not, take care of your- self; for, as you will soon find to your cost, a sloven in one thing is a sloven in all things. Look at the shoes! If they be trodden on one side, loose on the foot, or run down at the heel, it is a very bad sign ; and, as to slip-shod, though at coming down in the morning and even before daylight, make up your mind to a rope, rather than to live with a slip-shod wife. Oh ! how much do women lose by inat- tention to these matters? Men, ill general, say nothing about it to their wives; but they think about it; they envy their luckier neighbors; and, in numerous cases, conse- quences the most serious arise from this ap- parently trifling cause. Beauty is valuable; it is one of the ties; and a strong tie too: that, however, cannot last to old age ; but the charin of cleanliness never ends but with life itself. The Queen of the Kitchen. There must also be a knowledge of do- mestic affairs. It was the fashion in former times, for ladies to understand a great deal about these affairs, and it would be very hard to make me believe that this did not tend to promote the interests and well-being of their husbands. A thorough acquaintance with domestic affairs is so necessary in every wife that the lover ought to have it continually in his eye. Not only a knowledge of these affairs, not only to know how things ought to be done, but how to do them, not only to know what ingredients ought to be put into a pie or a pudding, but to be able to make the pie or the pudding. Young peo- ple, when they come together, ought not, unless they have fortunes, or are in a great way of business, to think about servants. Servants for what! To help them to eat and drink and sleep? When children come, there must be some help in a farmer's or tradesman's house; but until then, what call for a servant in a house, the master of which has to earn every 111outhful that is consumed P s Love Can’t Live on Heavy Bread. Eating and drinking come three times every day; they must come; and however little we may, in the days of our health and vigor, care about choice food and about cookery, we very soon get tired of heavy or burnt bread, and of spoiled joints of meat; we bear them for a time, or for two perhaps, but about the third time, we lament in- wardly; about the fifth time it must be an extraordinary honeymoon that will keep us from complaining; if the like continue for a month or two, we begin to repent; and then adieu to all our anticipated delights. We discover, when it is too late, that we have not got a helpmate, but a burden ; and the fire of love being damped, the unfortu- nately educated creature, whose parents are more to blame than she, is, unless she re- solve to learn to do her duty, doomed to lead a life very nearly approaching to that of misery; for, however considerate the hus- band, he never can esteem her as he would have done, had she been skilled and able in domestic affairs. Never fear the toil to her; exercise is good for health; and without health there is no beauty; a sick beauty may excite pity; but pity is a short-lived passion. Besides, what is the labor in such a case? And how many thousands of ladies, who loll away the day, would give half their fortunes for that sound sleep which the stirring housewife seldom fails to enjoy! Honest labor means health and happiness. I 58 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. Sunshine in the Home. Good temper is a jewel. This is a very difficult thing to ascertain beforehand. Smiles are so cheap; they are so easily put on for the occasion; and, besides, the frowns are, according to the lover's whim, inter- preted into the contrary. By “good tem- per,” I do not mean easy temper, a serenity MISS PHILIPPA FAWCETT. Mental temperament: large perceptive faculties; very harmonious organization ; first lady who ever re- ceived the highest honors over all competitors at the great University of Cambridge, England. which nothing disturbs, for that is a mark of laziness. Sulkiness, if you be not too blind to perceive it, is a temper to be avoided by all means. A sulky man is bad enough; what, then, must be a sulky woman, and that woman a wife; a constant inmate, a companion day and night! Only think of the delight of sitting at the same table, and sleeping in the same bed, for a week, and not exchange a word all the while ! Very bad to be scolding for such a length of time; but this is far better than the sulks and sullen deportment. If you have your eyes, and look sharp, you will discover symptoms of this, if it un- happily exist. She will, at some time or other, show it towards some one or other of the family; or perhaps towards yourself; and you may be sure that, in this respect, mar- riage will not mend her. Sulkiness arises from capricious displeasure, displeasure not founded on reason. The party takes offence unjustifiably, is unable to frame a complaint, and therefore expresses displeasure by silence. The remedy for sulkiness is, to suffer it to take its full swing; but it is better not to lave the disease in your house; and to be Inarried to it is little short of madness. Everlasting Fault-finders. Querulousness is a great fault. No man, and especially, 116 woman, likes to hear eter- nal plaintiveness. That she complain, and roundly complain, of your want of punctu- ality, of your coolness, of your neglect, of your liking the company of others; these are all very well, more especially as they are frequently but too just. But an everlasting complaining, without rhyme or reason, is a bad sign. It shows want of patience, and, indeed, want of sense. But the contrary of this, a cold indiffer- ence, is still worse. “When will you come again? You can never find time to come here. You like any company better than mine.” These, when groundless, are very teasing, and demonstrate a disposition too full of anxiousness; but from a girl who always receives you with the same civil smile, lets you, at your Own good pleasure, depart with the same; and who, when you take her by the hand, holds her cold fingens as straight as sticks, I say, God in his mercy preserve me! Pertinacity is a very bad thing in any- body, and especially in a young woman; and it is sure to increase in force with the age of the party. To have the last word is a poor triumph; but with some people it is a species THE MODEL WIFE. I 59 of disease of the mind. In a wife it must be extreptely troublesome; and if you find an ounce of it in the maid, it will become a pound in the wife. An eternal disputer is a most disagreeable companion; and where young women thrust their say into conver- sations carried on by older persons, give their opinions in a positive manner, and court a contest of the tongue, those must be very bold 1men who will encounter them as wives. Still, of all the faults as to temper, your melancholy ladies have the worst, unless you have the same mental disease. Most wives are, at times, misery-lmakers; but these carry it on as a regular trade. They are always unhappy about something, either past, pres- ent, or to come. Both arms full of children is a pretty efficient remedy in most cases; but if the ingredients be wanting, a little want, a little real trouble, a little genuine affliction must, if you would effect a cure, be resorted to. But this is very painful to a man of any feeling; and, therefore, the best way is to avoid a connection which is to give you a life of wailing and sighs. Female Loveliness. Although no woman is to be blamed or despised for her plainness, yet beauty is to be coveted. Though I have reserved this to the last of the things to be desired in a wife, I by no means think it the last in point of importance. The less favored part of the sex say, that “beauty is but skill deep;” and this is very true; but it is very agreeable, though, for all that. Pictures are only paint-deep, or pencil-deep; but we admire them, nevertheless. “Handsome is that handsome does,” used to say to me an old man, who had marked me out for his 11ot over-handsome daughter. “Please your eye and plague your heart,” is an adage that want of beauty invented, I dare say, more than a thousand years ago. These adages would say, if they had but the courage, that beauty is inconsistent with chastity, with sobriety of conduct, and with all the female virtues. The argument is, that beauty ex. poses the possessor to greater temptation than FANNY DAVENPORT. Finely developed in form, ſeatures and brain; type of physical force and emotional temperament. women not beautiful are exposed to; and that, therefore, their fall is more probable. Let us see a little how this matter stands. It is certainly true that pretty girls will have more, and Imore ardent, admirers than ugly ones; but as to the temptation when in their unmarried state, there are few so very ugly as to be exposed to no temptation at all; and which is the most likely to resist; she who has a choice of lovers, or she who, if she let the occasion slip, may never have it again? Which of the two is most likely to set a high value upon her reputation; she whom all beholders admire, or she who is admired, at best, by mere chance? And as to women in the married state, this argument assumes, that when they fall, it is from their own vicious disposition; I6O COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. when the fact is, that, if you search the an- mals of conjugal infidelity, you will find that; nine cases out of ten, the fault is in the hus- band. It is his neglect, his flagrant disre- gard, his frosty indifference, his foul exam- ple; it is to these that, nine times out of ten, he owes the infidelity of his wife; and if I LADY RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. Active organization and adapted to business affairs; brain full large for body; amiable disposition volup- tuous lips; ſamous for conjugal devotion. were to say ninety-nine times out of a hun- dred, the facts, if verified, would, I am cer- tain, bear me out. And whence this neg- 1ect, this disregard, this frosty indifference; whence this foul example? Because it is easy, in so many cases, to find some woman more beautiful than the wife. This is no justification for the husband to plead; for he has, with his eyes open, made a solemn contract ; if she have not beauty enough to please him, he should have sought it in some other woman. At any rate, as conjugal infidelity is, in so many cases; as it is generally caused by the want of affec- tion and due attention in the husband, it fol- lows, of course, that it must more frequently happen in the case of ugly than in that of handsome women. As to manners and temper, there are cer- tainly some handsome women who are con- ceited and arrogant; but as they have all the best reasons in the world for being pleased with themselves, they afford you the best cliance of general good-humor; and this good-humor is a very valuable commodity in the married state. Women. Of Wax and Wood. Some that are called by most persons bandsome, and that are such at the first glance, are dull, inanimate things, that might as well have been made of wax, or of wood. But the truth is, that this is not beauty, for this is not to be found only in the form of the features, but in the movements of them also. Besides, here nature is very impartial; for she gives animation promiscuously to the hand- some as well as to the ugly; and the want of this in the former is surely as bearable as in the latter. But the great use of female beauty, the great practical advantage of it is, that it naturally and unavoidably tends to keep the lıusband in good-humor with himself, to Imake him, to use the dealer's phrase, pleased with his bargain. When old age approaches, and the parties llave become endeared to each other by a long Series of joint cares and in- terests, and when children have come and bound them together by the strongest ties that nature has in store, at this age the features and the person are of less conse- quence; but in the young days of matrimony, when the roving eye of the bachelor is scarcely become steady in the head of the lıusband, it is dangerous for him to see, every time he stirs out, a face more captivating than that of his companion for life. Beauty is, in Some degree, a matter of taste: what one man admires, another does not ; THE MODEL WIFE. I61 and it is fortunate for us that it is thus. But still there are certain things that all men admire ; and a husband is always pleased when he perceives that a portion, at least, of these things are in his own possession; he takes this possession as a compliment to him- self; there must, he will think the world will believe, have been some 1merit in him, some charm, seen or unseen, to have caused him to be blessed with the acquisition. Healthy Wives and Children versus Sickly. And then there arise so many things, sick- ness, misfortune in business, losses, inlany, many things, wholly unexpected; and there are so many circumstances, perfectly name- less, to communicate to the new-married 1man the fact, that it is not a real angel of whom he has got the possession ; there are so many things of this sort, so many and such power- ful dampers of the passions, and so many in- centives to cool reflection, that it requires something, and a good deal too, to keep the lıusband in countenance in this his altered and enlightened state. To be sure, when a man has, from what- ever inducement, once married a woman, he is unjust and cruel if he even slight her on account of her want of beauty, and if he treat her harshly on this account, lie is a brute. But it requires a greater degree of reflection and consideration than falls to the lot of men in general to make them act with justice in such a case; and, therefore, the best way is to guard, if you can, against the temptation to commit such injustice, which is to be done in no other way, than by not marrying any one that you do not think handsome. Robust health in wife and mother is al- most as indispensable as in husband and father. He requires one who helps, not hin- ders, and can take part in their mutual labors and interests. Animal vigor is the para- mount prerequisite of everything terrestrial. Without it none can think clearly, or love Heartily. A nervous woman may cry franti- cally when you leave her, but these morbid tears are worse than none. Whether a wife is chosen to love and be loved, to live with or help along, or even as a drudge, a healthy one is a hundred times better than a sickly. A Living Death. Rosy children constitute the great ulti- mate of Imarriage, and are worth a thousand- fold 1more than sickly ones; but their consti- tutional health depends much on that of their mother, whose office is to impart vital- ity to her young. Yet how can she impart what she does not possess? Those who marry weakly girls may expect their little, feeble, sickly children to cry night and day, require continual nursing and doctoring, and then torture them with fears lest any atmos- pheric change should blow them into a pre- 1nature grave, after parental heartstrings have become fully entwined around them. But, to crown all, after bestowing a full manly soul on a poor delicate creature, besides all the loss of her health and cost of her weak- liness, to be tortured by fit after fit of sick- ness, till her very helplessness and sufferings lave only redoubled your tender sympathy; see her torn from you by death ; inter her emaciated corpse by the side of that of your darling babe, and return a heart-broken widower to your now desolate home; your life spoiled, because you married that delicate Miss; whereas, by marrying a healthy one, you could just as well have raised a goodly family of brisk, blooming children, and had a healthy, long-lived helpmate, is indeed terrible. Where is your sense, foresight, and busi- ness Sagacity, that you lay a train for these dreadful consequences, when you might just as well lay one for felicitous ones instead P I I I62 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. Or perhaps she barely lives along, feeble, full of aches and ailments; just able to go about ; becomes unable to go with you to field or garden, lecture-room or concert, to ride or walk, or take part with you in your recrea- tions or labors; tame in character, because sickly; languid in all her pleasures, thoughts, and desires; exact, exacting, and difficult to please; not able to relish the finest peach ; discontented; dissatisfied ; practically im- peaching all you say and do for her; taking everything the cross-grained way; censuring and irritating all, because in a censuring Imood; her natural loveliness turned into bit- terness; all her mental faculties retroverted ; both awakening pity and provoking anger, because, like a sick baby, always in a cross Inlood; nothing like that sweet, soft, winning, complaisant woman she once was, and would again be if again healthy. Please figure out the profits and losses of a healthy wife over a sickly. One exclaimed, after llaving buried a weakly wife and all his children, “Well, next time, I'll marry a healthy girl, if I have to 1marry an Irish girl.” How can sensible men trifle with their dearest interests, pecuniary and affectional, as those do who marry weakly women P Still, marriage will often restore them. A farmer, condoled for the loss of his wife, replied, “Oh, not so zery great a loss either, for she has not been down cellar these five years l’’ while another, on losing one who made excellent butter, said, “I had rather lost any two of my cows; because she made such proper good butter.” Though a sick- ly wife is better than none, yet one medium in many other respects, but healthy, is many fold preferable to one superior in most other respects, yet sickly. Words cannot do justice to this subject. Yet a robust woman is often neglected, and delicate prized. Ladies even boast of their weaknesses, headaches, sideaches, back- aches, nervousness, sleeplessness, “com- plaints” here, there, everywhere—boasting that they don’t know enough to get and keep well, and are all nerve Nervousness is their paramount ailment. How common, how almost universal. Why? Because pushed right from cradle into school, and kept there till too late to develop phys- ically. What martyrdom? Novels, feverish love, late parties, self-abuse, with an in-door life, and many other like educational causes, complete the ruin of their sensory systems, and Imake them nervous wrecks. Of course their precocious children are few, and die by millions, while those that live are weakly. And this evil redoubles apace. Robustness and exquisiteness are com- patible. Nothing in either conflicts with anything in the other. People think other- wise, but mistake. Excellent muscles, di- gestion, circulation, rather promote than prevent refinement. So does a hearty sex- uality, passion included. Indeed, a sexless passive woman cannot be exquisite, yet may be morbid. To create and augment this ex- quisiteness, so as to transmit it, is the specific office of sexuality. Nature knows what she wants and has provided for it. CHAPTER XV. The Model Husband. animal power is the great base of all capacity, all functional excellence. What is life without health? What are the sickly worth to themselves, families, or the world? As a machine, however well adapted to execute the best of work, is worthless without motive power; SO animal stamina is the first prerequisite for companionship. A good physique is indispensable even to men- tal power and moral excellence, which wax, wane, or become vitiated, according to ex- isting playsical conditions. Men always have worshipped, will worship, at the shrine of female beauty, and woman at that of masculine strength ; both of which consist mainly in vigorous animal condi- tions. Let those girls who know no better, choose little-faced, little-footed, small-boned, shrivelled, soft-handed, soft-headed, nervous, white-livered young men, well nigh emascu- lated by their effeminate habits; but you do not want them. They may answer merely to beau you into and out of a parlor or ball- room, or escort you to a party or picnic, or for flirtation; but they will make miserable lmusbands, because they are not sick enough to nurse, nor well enough to excite your whole-souled love, and are so fidgety and irritable that to please or love them is impos- sible. Indoor clerks and puny dandies are indeed more polite than sturdy farmers and mechan- ics; but as conjugal partners, robust work- men are altogether preferable. Men who remain much within doors must exercise daily, or suffer the decline of their manli- Fyº FOWLER well says that ness. Are not good, firm health and a hardy constitution quite as safe a reliance for the support of a family as capital in business? Does not ability to work exceed bank stock? Miss Young America stands badly in her own light by refusing the hardy farmer and resolute mechanic for the more accomplished but less reliable clerk, or idle inheritor of a fortune. These anti-working ideas of both sexes are rendering them almost unmarriage- able just from their muscular inertia, and ruining future generations. At this rate of decline, what feeble, delicate mortals de- scendants must become in the next genera- tion? And as few as weakly Yet indi- viduals are not to blame. Our Societarian customs are thus fatal to our future. Our men rush from work to study, or some seden- tary employment, or else to business. Their minds must be educated at the expense of their constitutions, to the ruin of both. If they adopt business, they become so anxious, and apply their minds so long and labori- Ously, as to sap the very roots of animal power, and become poor and delicate before old enough to marry. Our nation cannot long survive these enervating habits, except by renewed importations. Woman, patron, ize muscle, not dandyism. Smile on strength, not delicacy. And, young man, indoors and out, make health paramount, both for its own sake, and that of your pros. pective wife; and also for its indispensa- bility to the matrimonial and parental rela- tions. Health, pluck, courage to face the world and conquer it, are what you want. I63 164 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. A girl is not to be despised and rejected because she has wealth. Even rich ladies may be beautiful, genuine, affectionate, do- mestic, and not to blame for having plenty of cash. Poverty is not a virtue. Yet dol- lars bind no hearts, and hearts warm with life and love are the only things that count. N N N º > N s SIR GEORGE NARES. Type of health and manhood; happy combination of the mental, moral and physical; cool and ener- getic; Arctic explorer, who discovered the relics of Sir John Franklin. Love alone does or can ever become the uniting motive of a hearty sexual union. Marrying for money on either side breaks Nature's conjugal laws, and punishes every perpetrator. Though girls may look well to a family support, yet good health and a willing heart are a more reliable support than ready money. Where industrious pro- posers have any work or business, love will provide the balance. Dismiss any who have not. - Yet marrying for an establishment is an outrageous swindle. Many, rendered heart- less by disappointment, turn fortune-hunters. That hypocrite, who said, “I married him for his money, not himself,” will make his 1money fly. Wherein do such differ from “women of pleasure?” Do not both pros- titute themselves alike for money? Who- ever marries more from vanity than love, prostitutes this most sacred human senti- Iment, and will be pullished accordingly. Men who have money must keep a sharp lookout for such vixen deceivers. Matrimonial Swindlers. Fortune-hunting beau ! You shameless hypocrite in thus pretending to love a wo- man only to rob her of her patrimony If money is your motive, say so, Ilot lie out- right in action ; and a lie of deeds is a llum- dred-fold worse than one merely spoken. Spider, coiling your web around your unsus- pecting victim, and she a young lady, only that you may live on her money ! and coax her to love you for it besides! Dastardly villain, ten times more despicable than gamblers who profess to rob, while you rob in the Imost hypocritical disguise a man can assume to woman. Thieves and swindlers are comparative Saints; for they leave some, while you grasp all. They rob men of only dollars, while you rob a female of her heart as well as purse; they by night, you by night and day; they strangers, you an inti- mate; they under cover of darkness, you under that of love; they by false keys, but you by false pretences. Whoever marries a woman for her money, swindles her by false pretences out of the patrimony her doting parents have treasured up for her life-long support, and then abuse her; for all who thus marry, abuse thus. Breaking locks is innocence in comparison with breaking hearts; for this both shortens her life and spoils its remainder. If retri- butive Nature should let such transgression THE MODEL HUSBAN D. 165 of her statutes go “unwhipped of justice,” “the very stones would cry aloud for ven- geance.” She visits iniquity in the day, and the zway of the sin. Such sin causes its own suffering, by putting you in a mean, depend- ent position. A Quaker worth two shillings married a Quakeress worth three, who twitted him every little while thus: “Anyhow, I was worth the most at our marriage 1" One who knows “by sad experience” says, “I would as soon cut off my arms as again marry any woman with one dollar, or more than one common dress.” A fellow married a woman's money, she being thrown in—and it sometimes takes piles of money to make the “thrown in" even endurable—with which a splendid rid- ing-establishment was procured, in which she wanted to ride with another man, to which he objected, when she replied: “Know in the start, sir, that my money bought this establishment; so I calculate to ride when, where, and with ze/home I like; and you, puppy, must grin and bear it, pa- tiently too.” “Your money bought me too,” was his meeching reply. How must such feel, all “bought up,” “owned,” “supported,” and by a woman. And expected in return to “dance attendance.” “I bought you cheap; see that you serve me well;” yet she “paid too dear for her whistle” then. Slie will thrust your dependence into your face every lmour by looks, words, and actions, and oblige you, poor coot, to grin and bear whatever stripes she chooses to impose. You will soon find yourself where the mether end of the kite is—tacked on behind and below, and switched around briskly during every blow. Served you right, you mercenary hypocrite. You have ignored womanhood, intelligence, thrift, everything except a few paltry dollars. Verily, poltroon, if you really must be supported, you will find the county poor- house preferable to the imatrimonial; for she will keep you under her harrow, and har- row you worse than any other poor toady ever was harrowed; but you deserve all. a’ſ º . . . º 2. t {\ | N N \ M º S 2 & , º, ** (MISS CLARA GREENWALD. Type of the perfect woman ; bright, self-reliant, strong in 1mind and body; school-teacher at the age of thirteen, the youngest in the United States. And yet our highways and byways, even churches, are literally thronged with these miserable, “shiftless,” deceitful, scalliwag, pilgrim travelers in search of a matrimonial poor-house. A woman cannot have a paltry five hundred dollars without being literally besieged for it. And any man who gets it will be a toady husband all his life. Independence is an attribute of manli- neSS. Let me make my own fortune, rather even than inherit it, and live by the sweat of my own brow, in preference even to that of my father's. Enough to derive from parents name, character, and support, till barely able to support self. This venality of marriage in aristocratic and rich families is outrageous; yet is offset by the wife having I66 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. her “chere ami,” or lover, wholly irrespect- ive of her husband, who only possesses her dowry and fortune, while another has her heart, Would this were all ! One of England's richest heiresses, while glistening in diamonds, evinced the most hopeless melancholy in the midst of the gayest assembly. Religious herself, she loved a divine; but her proud family in- sisted that she should marry wealth; yet she paid them back, by pertinaciously refusing to marry at all; and is most miserable in spite of untold riches, and more hopelessly wretched than lier penniless washerwoman. Nature always punishes such breaches of her laws by spoiling the life of both victims. Did not the world-renowned conjugal diffi- culties of Lady Norton originate in a mone- tary alliance? Have we not proved that love alone is the guardian of virtue? A rich, proud, stern father obliges his daughter to marry one she loathes. This compels her either to die broken-hearted, or else to love outside of wedlock; the necessary conse- quence of which is either infidelity, or else the starvation of 1her love-element. You Can Spoil Your Wife. I am to suppose that you have made a good choice; but a good young woman may be made, by a weak, a harsh, a neglectful, an extravagant, or a profligate husband, a really bad wife and mother. All in a wife, beyond her own natural disposition and edu- cation is, nine times out of ten, the work of Her husband. The first thing of all, be the rank in life what it may, is to convince her of the necess- ity of moderation in expense; and to make her clearly see the justice of beginning to act upon the presumption, that there are children coming, that they are to be provided for, and that she is to assist in the making of that provision. Legally speaking, we have a right to do what we please with our own property, which, however, is not our own unless it exceed our debts. And, morally speaking, we, at the moment of our marriage, contract a debt with the naturally to be ex- pected fruit of it; and therefore the scale of expense should, at the beginning, be as low as that of which a due attention to rank in life will admit. Love Sweetens Life. The power of love is perfectly magical for happiness, when its laws are obeyed; for Imisery, when they are violated. Not a tithe of the love inherent in all is ever called forth ; because these laws are little observed; and this because few understand them ; not- withstanding all the hecatombs of works and novels, love stories included, written by both 1men and women, on this love theme. Manifest normal male or female nature to- wards your mate. No man ever did, does, or can express true manly attributes to his wife without proportionally enamoring, or unmanly without alienating her. How Imuch she loves him depends chiefly on how Inuch true manhood he evinces towards her; though also on how much love capacity she llas, and its state. As far as you feel and express true manly attributes, you enamor your wife ; but as far as you depart there- from, you excite her loathing and disgust; even though she has no idea just what she likes and dislikes. Hence being the true man to her, attains two most glorious human ends—perfects your own manly nature, and enamors her. As every man who does business should pride himself on doing it in the best manner possible; SO every man should pride himself on being true to manhood, and attaining its two ends, a wife's love, and fine offspring. Being the true woman enamors a husband, and compels him to love her in proportion; ſ THE MODEL HUSBAND. 167 yet just as far as any wife departs from a true feminine comportment towards him, she obliges him to taste and loathe her unfemi- nine bitterness. Many wives take great pains and pride in being “in fashion,” yet none to be or act the genuine woman; whereas, be- ing a mere fashionable in comparison with a - true woman, is like having only a farthing compared with a fortune. As gold is better than brass, as diamonds are worth more than pebbles, so a true, noble, queenly woman is angelic compared with a weak, empty, painted butterfly dressed up in female clothes, an imposition upon her sex. Gallantry and Politeness. Gallantry, polite attentions from gentle- men to ladies, including their pleasant, grateful reception by ladies, is primal law of love having maternity for its base. Thus a man and a woman, a perfect gentleman and lady, meet at table, on steamboat, in parlor, anywhere. Their sexual natures impose on each towards the other a comportment quite unlike that due from either sex to its own. They mutually like, admire, each other; this prompts still more gallant atten- tions from him to her, with their thankful re- ception. This begets that mutual love which inspires more and more of this identi- cal reciprocal treatment the more they love. They marry; this requires and begets still more of this same comportment; and their becoming parents together more yet; because reproduction is the rationale of all males, all females. Think within yourselves just how a per- fect gentleman should treat a perfect lady, and she him; and then be and do more so. What is being a gentleman but expressing manly characteristics gently? Think out just what that signifies. Analyze gallantry, a word that has always been used to desig- nate that courteous way male birds evince towards female, always considerate; or the way in which all males naturally treat all females. Note the attentive, kind, generous, tender, sympathetic attentions all model gentlemen bestow on 1model ladies, and treat your wife accordingly; and you will soon find her “dead in love,” literally infatuated with you. Do gentlemen behave or speak rudely to ladies? or frown, scowl, sulk, or Swear, before them? or ever tease, blame, scold, provoke, or satirize them? Are they not refined, polite, attentive to their wants, and complimentary? Would one angry frown distort their pleasant countenances, or rude act mar their polished bearing? Would they not watchfully discern and commend every charm, draw the mantle of charity over all faults, and tear out their tongues Sooner than upbraid? An Angel Abroad and a Devil at Home. Yet how often do legal husbands commit improprieties and perpetrate downright vul- garities to and before their wives of which they would no more be guilty towards other ladies than forfeit their reputation as gentle- men? or if they did, they would be ban- ished from genteel female society; and yet wonder why their wives do not love them For a husband to be ever so extra genteel, gallant, spruce, talkative, gay, lively, com- plimentary, and much more besides, to other ladies, yet dull, listless, commonplace, unap- preciative and inattentive to his wife, is a conjugal outrage which must forestall fur- ther love, and kill existing. Yet no matter how gallant to others, provided he is more so to her. A widow lady and daughter living next door to a man and his wife, each dropping in and out without ceremony, often rode out with them. One day, riding only with his wife, he became enraged at his horse, whip- ping and swearing terribly. After being re- I68 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. seated, his wife gently dropping her hand on his, asked him pleasantly whether he thought he would have acted thus if Mrs. and Miss had been along? to which he replied: “Of course not, because it would drive them away from 1me; but since we are mar- ried, you cannot help yourself, whatever I may do.” What a heathenish answer Who won- ders that she turned a woman's-rights apos- tle? But if the married will simply follow this rule, which those in love cannot help observing, their honey-moon will last a life- time. * “Patherick, why can't we live as pacable and loving togither as that cat and dog?” “Jist tie 'm togither, and see how they'll fight!” A wife's thankful reception of her hus- band’s attentions is as much more due to him than a lady's to a gentleman's, as the former should love 1more. A young married man treated his bride very gallantly at table, waited on her him- Self as far as possible, and had servants wait On her in double-quick time, comporting himself towards her in a true conjugal man- ner; while she received his gallant atten- tions with indifference. Meeting them at another table a few weeks afterwards, he llad discontinued them ; and doubtless that for- 1orn woman is to-day pining in secret be- cause he has ceased to treat her as tenderly as of yore, and sighing over the difference between young lovers before marriage, and these same men after their honey-moon has set; little realizing that she herself fore- stalled and killed them by her passive re- ception of them. Wives, may not the in- difference of some of your husbands have a like origin? Every wife must repay, by thankful pleas- antness what attentions she receives from husband more than ladies gentlemen, and thank the more the more she desires; and deserves no more than is thus paid for. Her passive indifference forestalls his future proffers." Cold Treatment. No thankless wife deserves or will long receive attentions and courtesies from her husband. Wives, remember that thanking husband pleasantly, even coquettishly, for all the favors he does grant, is your best way to inspire him to bestow more; while “you ought to, and no thanks either, because you've married me,” will soon kill his love and courtesy together. A wife's gratitude is a husband's nectar. Love can never co-exist with ungentlemanly or unladylike treatment. “This seems all right in theory,” you say, “but imposes on us men a burden too great for any to carry. No husbands do or can treat their wives thus.” Those in love cannot help it. So far from this treatment being a task, it is a luxury. A deep, abiding affection will prompt all this, and much more. This mu- tual treatment actually does and must pro- portionally obtain between all who love; yet declines as love wanes. Indifferent huan- ners accompany indifferent hearts; while reversed love renders behavior perfectly hateful. Though he who dislikes his wife may try to and think he really does do his whole duty to and treat her about right, yet all his actions towards her are abominable, and a perpetual insult; because his feelings are so ; though perhaps neither can specify exactly wherein. But many say, “We wives have so many cares and vexations, the more aggravating by their very insignificance, that we cannot always be as winning and coquettish as care- THE MODEL HUSBAND. 169 less girls; cannot help feeling cross, and acting ugly. None realize how much we have to sour, and little to Sweeten, our tempers.” Does fretting over troubles remove, does it not aggravate them 2 And necessarily alienate a husband besides? He may pity his irritable, irritating, fussy, fidgety wife as he would a sick child ; yet such wives are an abomination to all husbands. Men do love sweetness in women, cannot but hate cross- 1162.SS. Love-Spats. Pride of character is one of man's best and woman's strongest traits; and in this country, enormous and inflated. All fashions, respec- tability, society, come from it. Honor, am- bition to be first, emulation to excel, love of display, are its products. Only love surpasses it as an incentive to effort. versing it, create the fiercest rage. In all women it is excessive and inflated, while its perpetual stimulation by praise from cradle to marriage, usually renders it a real feminine insanity. Praise delights it ; and is due for every good deed. Blame outrages it, and when not deserved, is most unjust. Stealing is no worse than falsely accusing ; as is most scolding. Praise kindles, blame kills, love; especially in woman. Nothing equally. How very much she does set by tokens of masculine appreciation, and is cut by depreciation? On both she is indeed a little soft. She was wisely created thus. This trait is inherent in her, and must be respected. She deserves commendation for all her good, condemnation for few bad, deeds. Why is not ambition entitled to its pay for good services rendered, as much as acquisition for goods delivered? Is not neglecting to pay its dues as disgraceful and palpably wrong as not paying a monetary note? When a Insults, by re-, wife has done her best to get up a good dinner, even though she fails, is she 11ot as justly entitled to her pay in praise as that grocer in dollars for flour? Bestowing it will surprise you that she sets so very much by it, in its delighting her so that, unless her love is already chilled out by neglect, she can hardly contain herself. Though so very easy to cancel these love dues by appreciation, yet how seldom are they “honored?” But how cruelly aggravating, how wery wicked, to blame her after she has done ller best to please? Scolded wives do ten times less, praised, twenty times more, than blamed O1162.S. A superb wife, married two years, said: “One whole year I tried my best to suit my liusband, avoid liis blame, and get his praise; but the harder I tried the worse I fared. My meat, too rare yesterday, was overdone to- day. I fretted, cried, prayed over it till I found I must give up to die, or else fight it off. I chose the latter, and steeled my heart against him and his eternal grumblings, even scolded back; and a wretched life we have lived. If required to choose between another such marriage and death, I certainly prefer to die. ” Such cases abound ; yet are not all on one side, as many a hen-pecked husband, who deserves only praise, can attest. Finding fault engenders more marital alienations than most other causes com- bined ; stabs love right under its fifth rib; spills its warm life-blood ; and must never on any account be inflicted by or on either. Blame from one's own sex is most provoking and unendurable; but from the opposite, absolutely outrageous. No concatemation of circumstances can justify it. This is not the way the sexes were ordained to lessen each other's faults, or promote each other's virtues. All scolding is but driving and threatening; 17O COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. which makes even boys, much more men, defiant and vindictive. Driving contrary mules is easy in comparison. Your first spat is worse than your house burning. Put it right out, or it will con- sume your future conjugal bliss. Even your first blame, if only by implication, and seem- ingly trifling, is really horrible, in itself and its effects. If you do not have the first, you will never have any ; but the first is about sure to breed multitudes of those “little foxes that spoil the vines” of love. No scolding, haggling woman can ever hope to retain a man's affection for any great length of time. Curtain LectureS. Curtain lectures are far the worst; be- cause spleen boiled down ; and all on one side. Be fatigue, nervousness, female Com- plaints, or anything else their cause, they are utterly without excuse, and absolutely heathenish. All Mrs. Caudles are stark mad fools, and deserve to go to both the lunatic and idiot asylums. They cut off their noses to spite their faces. They curtail their own supplies and hurt themselzes ten, yes, a thousand-fold more than their scolded husbands. Every iota of censure, implied equally with ex- pressed, kills love, and all those favors it bestows; takes both off from the male and female plane only to put them on one merely human, and antagonistic at that. No scolded husband, unless angelic, will do any more for his scolding wife than com- pelled to. All Caudles, all scolds, even fault-finders, remember this: All blame makes your next dress much longer—in coming—yet much shorter, when it does come; and poorer in quality; and thus of everything else; because even stingy men give lavishly to women they love, yet naturally generous ones are niggardly to those they dislike. Yet, as a rule, scolds deserve more pity than blame. Sexual ail- ments and reversed love are the chief causes. Hen-pecking wives, what Love a cowed, humble, meeching, subdued husband ; or he you, after you have broken his spirits Or if so, shame on you and him. Hen-pecked Husbands. What shall a hen-pecked husband do P Let her peck away, and say nothing, because, I. Fighing a zwoman, however justly, is 1mean, despicable. 2. Unsuccessful ; for no fighting woman can possibly be conquered, ever. 3. Talking back only spills still more fat into the fierce fire. She “zoz// have the last word,” and use you up. Every woman's tongue is longer and sharper than any mall's sword. A eeping her from beginning battle, is your only resort; for, once begun, you are worsted in advance. Put your ear-trumpet behind your ear. A patient husband, married to a terrific scold, unable to hear except through an ear-trumpet, Knowing from her looks and manner when- ever she was scolding, always put his ear- trumpet behind his ears. Of course when she scolded into it he could not hear a word she said, and SO never answered back. Does taming the shrew by being so much more violent and abusive than she is as to frighten and subdue her, express a law, ap- plicable to the best way for managing high- strung wives? Its Shakespearian origin is ligh authority. It might subdue some merely pampered indulged women; yet the experiment is dangerous. Letting her dis- tinctly understand that every scold lessens her supplies; that the more scolding the less money, and less more, will bring most shrews to time, by touching self-interest and their purse, that “apple of their eyes.” Better avoid hostilities, keep mum, starve her out, “tutu the other cheek.” THE MODEL HUSBAND. I71 Yet, as it is woman's nature to love, in nine cases out of ten, her cross, peevish, Sour temper and spit-fire treatment of her husband can be traced either to her own unsexed con- dition, her ill health, or to his cold, indiffer- ent, abusive demeanor. Men angels are not so common that you stumble over them at every step, and to put somewhat of the angelic into the sterner sex is the aim of these practical truths and admonitions. Every scolding husband kills woman's love, just as all fondling develops it; there- fore all you passionate wife-blainers are fools. You know not on which side your own bread is buttered. Leaving your wife out of the question, consider the effects on yourselves. Blame, by reversing her love, kills her pas- sion for you, and thereby your own enjoyment in her. Every reproach cuts right into your own marital pleasures. You are always de- feating your own ends by scolding, instead of praising ller. Human Porcupines. This morning you said some cross, sarcastic thing to your wife before leaving your cham- ber, which maddened her. At breakfast you scolded or cuffed your little child, on which she literally dotes. This so enraged her that she let your dinner go by default—she doesn't care; and though you forgot all about it the next minute, yet you pierced her very Soul with two barbed, poisoned arrows, which rankled there all day long; so that when night comes you find her a perfect porcu- pine, and yourself disappointed; whereas, if this morning you had patted her cheek, praised her child, and told it to be good to mother all day, and you'd bring it something nice, and kissed her as you left, with “Now, my dear, don’t worry to-day, and we'll have a lovers' walk and talk when I return,” she would have been a happy responsive wife. Behold those 111ated birds. When one Hops, the other hops, and in the same direc- tion ; when and whither one flies, then and thither the other also flies; wherever either lights, the other lights on the same tree; what one eats, both eat ; and when one sings, both sing together. This mutuality is CHIEF GALL. . Low intelligence; strong masculine character; defi- cient in moral faculties; hostile Sioux Chief. equally true of all other mating animals; of which the deer, lion, tiger, etc., furnish illus- trations. Whenever the lioness begins to roar, her mate chimes in and roars still louder. All mating animals are always to- gether. Killing one serpent soon brings its mate. The law of doubles, animals mated perfectly, runs through creation. When a fond wife is invited to ride, party, or any amusement, how often does she pre- fer not to go at all unless accompanied by her husband; because she can enjoy nothing alone P A young wife once cried as if her heart would break, just because her husband had obtained a phrenological delineation alone, without inviting her also ; thus evinc- ing this first and highest attestation of genuine 172 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. love. This probably offended him, yet was true conjugality in her. All you who have experienced this divine sentiment, please ana- lyze its first instinctive workings, and attest whether we are not expounding its very tap- root. Did you not feel as if you had given Nº.” -------- * * § | i i R º ---tº w\§ §****- iº § \ NRN º w Ş .§ º: 4.- : É 1: º: *- º 2:3:Zºº KW t sº * wº * * * * gº º, we * * * * * * ::::::::::::::::::\\\\\\ • '... " w *...*.*.*, *.*.*.*.*.*.*, *, *, *.*.*.*, *, *, , , *à * * 4. s -wº s %§ s * º º º s MARSHALL P. WILDER. Active, mental temperament; quick perceptions and genial disposition ; face indicating fine social and domestic qualities; well-known humorist and 1ecturer. off a part of your own very self, yet taken on a part of your loved one's identical being? that you desired to live only in, and for, and zväth each other ? that to be separated was like tearing your very self in twain P All the pleasures of wedlock cluster around and depend upon this very sharing. Enjoy a given walk, ride, Scenery, or luxury of any kind separately, and then share it in the spirit of affection ; this sharing redoubles it many times. No old bachelors or dissatis- fied husbands, none who have no woman with whom to enjoy life's luxuries, can enjoy much. - Hovels Turned to Palaces. Let them “drive out” in the finest livery, be served by the most servile servant, feast on earth's choicest dainties, drink her costliest nectars, engage in labors intrinsically delight- ful, and have everything heart can wish, un- less a loved woman helps enjoy all, accom- plish all, they can enjoy and accomplish little, and are almost nonentities; while prisons, shared with a loving woman, become palaces, tasks pleasures, and all things de- lightful. You who know little of the lux- uries of this sharing, may think you enjoy much ; but a rich sharing experience will prove that your former lonely habits render everything insipid. TWO Lives in One. Of woman, this is doubly true. Let her who has no husband to love, or with whom to share her lot, dress gayly, sing sweetly, do and be whatever she pleases, no life-pleasures really count unless shared with the one she loves. Enjoying alone, like talking to one's self, is better than nothing; but how spirit- less when compared with this intermingling of two loves! Most insipid are all things moč thus shared ; and pitiable those, married and single, who do not thus share. Let me make her whom I have chosen and who has chosen me, my very bosom life-companion and my privy counsellor in everything; con- fer with her as to what to do, and how to do it ; make her my “Aaron and Hur, to hold up my hands,” and encourage 1my heart; go with me where I must go, and stay with me where I stay ; as well as help me do what I must do, and enjoy everything in life together. “And in death let us not be divided.” The more perfectly the married establish this sharing in all the other relations of life, the more perfect their love, marriage, and offspring. Hence, sharing or separating pecuniary in- terests is most effective in uniting or separating them in all other respects. Ignoring her busi- ness counsels and aid initiates a practical di- THE MODEL HUSBAND. 173 vorce in all other respects; and is incompat- ible with a perfect love. f Doling out given sums, at stated times, to a wife for “pin money,” separates those pecu- niary interests which should be shared in common. Are not her family struggles as heroic and perpetual as his business? Should not their 1mutual earnings be regarded and shared in common 2 No true wife will desire this dress or that luxury, unless she knows her husband likes it; or else leaves it wholly to her judgment. Both should plan, work, and be interested together in whatever in- terests either. If woman lacks 1man's plan- ning power to forecast results, she has the more tact and intuition, and a 11icer sense of right; that most important means of ultimate business success. Each the Other’s Half. Farmers and their wives probably come nearest to nature's conjugal co-operation as to pecuniary interests, and furnish the best samples of affectionate wedlock—husbands in ploughing, sowing, driving, feeding; and wives in cooking, milking, churning, and saving ; both making common cause in everything. All should follow their ex- ample. º Philadelphia merchants are pre-eminently successful; obviously partly because many of their stores are in their dwellings; so that when obliged to be absent, wife or daughter takes the place of husband or father. They also employ many female clerks. Man's mind must unite with woman's in order to take correct views of things. He looks at them only from 1masculine, she from feminine stand-points; so that neither can take a complete view of anything except in and by uniting both their views; by which each completes the other's. “In the multitude of counsel there is safety.” All need advice in most things; and who is as proper to give it as a wife or husband? By presupposition, each is most deeply interested in the other's welfare, which is everything in a counsellor. What an indescribable pleasure to both to talk over plans and prospects, and consult together on anticipated results! The mere pleasure of the conference doubly repays its trouble. What a luxury to her to be consulted It gratifies her kindness that she is serviceable, and pride that she is esteemed as a “help- meet.” Her being required to help carry out plans, the zery office of a wife, gives her a right to have some say as to z0/ad she shall help accomplish. Napoleon and Josephine. Napoleon Bonaparte furnishes the best illustration on the largest scale of the “aid and comfort,” and want of them, rendered by a true wife. Josephine was a magnifi- cent woman; accompanied him wherever she could ; and was his chief privy coun- sellor in everything. Colonel Lehmanouski, a Pole, who entered the military academy with him, fought one hundred and seven battles under him, was his body servant, and knew all about his family secrets, in a lec- ture on Josephine one of a course on Bona- parte, said: “His success was due to ller as much as to himself. He was often rash in liis bold. ness, and would sometimes devise plans sure to cause defeat. The remonstrances of all his generals and staff had no effect on him, But he never finally acted on any measure without her approval. Her quick instincts saw and pointed out any defects, which he perceived and obviated; and when his army knew that she had approved any measure, they were sure of success. His divorce caused his downfall. His new wife's jeal- ousy prevented his visiting Josephine often; so that, not under her influence, he planned º I74 COURTSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DOMESTIC LIFE. his expedition to Russia without her full sanction. She advised his wintering in Poland, and getting fully prepared to strike a terrible blow in the spring. When on lis lone isle he regretted his divorce as the one fatal error of his life, saying, “If I had only clung to Josephine, and taken her advice, I should have governed Europe.” Thus, a strong man can be made stronger by woman. º | | W \ ޺rs § |\,' Fº * \% ſº V |\i, }:\\ % % * | % M {{\|\\ (º 22.3% S \ſº º %:# § % Z Ø % sº ºft /% %: NY % Nº. º ºſº ! tºº * ENGINEER MELVILLE, Sanguine temperament; mind, and body in , har- mony; ready for bold action and decision; engineer of Greely Relief Expedition. A woman's co-operation is as indispen- sable to a 1man's success as blood to life. Soon after the Canadian rebellion all Canada was convulsed with a proposition to unite church and state, as in the 1nother country. Though this was a most unpopular measure, especially with the masses, yet it was almost carried by a series of 1most powerful articles in its favor in the Pilot. Their author was a man of genius, but full of those rough corners and glaring imperfections calculated to injure his cause. Yet his wife, an emi- nently gifted and literary woman, whose whole heart was in the measure, by taking his undried manuscripts between his pen and the press, rewrote this passage, erased that, and added the other; thus pruning them of their objectionable points, and super-adding her polish and persuasiveness to his virility, till together they almost car- ried their point, and awakened the admira- tion even of their opponents, that a cause So poor could be advocated so ably. But many a husband says, “My wife's long tongue would disclose my business secrets, if she knew all about my business.” Not if she is personally interested. She will then both keep them, and put others on the wrong track besides. Let a knowing woman alone for keeping dark, and hiding your “fatal secrets” in utter impenetrability. And when you have anything to do requiring the utmost of art, policy, management, even downright intrigue, you require an interested zwoman's head and land in its device and execution. Many men are not fit to manage anything intricate or complicated without feminine co-operation. At least, any 1man will prosper all the better for calling in the aid of his wife in his business operations. The Guardian Angel. No. 1nan knows till he loses it how much a genuine helpmeet woman does help. For want of it, many stumble and fall soon after 11er death, or desertion. A11 ye who desire success in your respective pursuits, consider this natural law, and avail yourselves of its instrumentality of success. As your win- ning card of prosperity, it has no equal; because, when a woman loves a man, her spiritual intuitions are all quickened and called into action in liis behalf; so that she becomes, as it were, his guardian angel against defeat, and a guide to success—his “cloud by day, and pillar of fire by night.” Interest her in your business. She sup- poses you are making piles of money, and can spare fifties and hundreds without feeling THE MODEL HUSBAND. I75 their loss; whereas, if you had consulted her as to this speculation and that, knowing your straits, she would cheerfully put up with the old, till long after you were able to get new. Reeping Everything Dark. When a husband dies or is absent, his wife requires to know all about his pecuniary affairs, in order to give right directions as to this and that, else things must take their course; and in case he dies, to prevent ras- cally harpies from preying on the estate, by showing them that she understands what he does and does not own and owe. She must then take the lielm, and bring debtors, pre- tended creditors, administrators, and all, to time; which ignorance of his business affairs prevents her doing. Yet many husbands operate in and of themselves from year to year, without telling their wives one word about their affairs. “I know no 1more about my husband's business than the dead,” is a common saying. Is this conjugal? Has not a wife a right to know? Two similar brothers married twin sisters, but pursued these two opposite courses: A, telling lis wife all he learned; at dinner what he had seen and done since breakfast, and at night, during the day; his heart yearning, after he had learned anything of interest till he had imparted it to her; while B kept learning without communicating any of his self-improvement or business affairs to his wife, or talking to her except about some common-place home affairs. A, by thus keep- ing his wife growing along up with him in 1