828
W2574A A521880
:
ARTES
SCIENTIA
VERITAS
LIBRARY
OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
PLURIBUS UNEM
TUEBOR
SI-QUAERIS-PENINSULAM AMOENAM
CIRCUMSPICE

3917
THE
WOODEN WORLD
DISSECTED,
&c.
THE
WOODEN WORLD
DISSECTED;
IN THE
CHARACTER
OF A
SHIP OF WAR.
AS ALSO THE
CHARACTERS OF ALL THE OFFICERS,
FROM THE
CAPTAIN TO THE COMMON SAILOR,
A SEA CAPTAIN,
A SEA LIEUTENANT,
A SEA CHAPLAIN,
The MASTER of a Ship
of War,
The PURSER,
The SURGEON,
VIZ.
The GUNNER,
The CARPENTER,
The BOATSWAIN,
A SEA COOK,
A MIDSHIPMAN,
The Captain's STEWARDS
And a SAILOR.
Awards Ward
By
A NEW EDITIQN.
London,

PRINTED for, and Sold by the BoOKSELLERS, and by
JAMES GRAHAM, SUNDERLAND,
M,DCC,XCV.
19 Maneq 28,
TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,,
GREETING,
Worshipful & no Worshipful Gentlemen,

0908 9000
Y
OU all know, that fcarce can a royal fhip be
fooner built and launched from the ftocks,
but ftreight we have ten thoufand pictures of
her drawn, and difperfed round the island, by
fome or other topping dawber of fign-pofts.
But never yet, I think, has one bold hand attempted
to delineate thofe more noble internal parts, that give this
ftupendous wooden animal all its various motions; a taſk
much more elevated, difficult, and profitable, than the
other.
Now I, Gentlemen, being bound by I don't know
how many ties, have offered at this moft generous enter
prize, not out of any bye-ends of gaining your worfhps'
good word (when an occafion offers) but purely to ad-
vance and blow about your fame, and your moft remark-
able excellencies.
I never durft flatter myfelf with the befotted hopes of
drawing you correctly; all I did, or could propofe, was
152489
( 6 )

by this rough draught of my untutor'd pencil, to excite
fome renowned worthy to do you justice, and draw you
all perfect as you are; which will certainly give infinite
fatisfaction to your zealous fervant, that wishes you, gens
tlemen, with all his foul, as perfectly known to our Il
luftrious Hero, and the whole nation, as you are to him,
who is,
GENTLEMEN,
YOUR REAL FRIEND,
AND FAITHFUL SERVANT,
MANLY PLAIN-DEALER
TO THE
READ E R.

F
INDING, fome few days paft, the warmth and
ferenity of the air begin to change a-pace, and
wet, thick, cloudy weather pop in at once up-
on us, I began to caft about, which way I had
beft provide againſt fo threatning dull a feafon.
After a few penfive wavering thoughts, at length I
fixed on that of painting, which is by all allowed to be no
lefs ingenious than diverting; but for it many a gentleman
would have abundance of idle hours, and dirty days, lie
heavy on his hands, which, by this harmlefs amuſement,
are neither felt nor thought on.
and
As for the following piece, it was the first that offered
to my fancy, and appeared to me altogether new;
though the materials are very common and ordinary, yet
not fo ordinary, but that they can fully anfwer the end
propofed; which is, to draw the picture of the most glo-
rious piece of the creation, called A TAR, which no colours
can perform fo well to the life, as black and white; for
thofe juftly difpofed, produce figures much more agreeable
and diverting, than all the other colours of the rainbow.
It is eafy to perceive that there is no one particular
here defign'd; and generals do always admit of excep-
tions. We have fome captains in the navy, as much the
glory of our ifle, as are the fhips they command; I need
not trumpet forth their names, for they give fuch daily
TO THE READER.

proofs of their courage, affability, generofity, juftice, and
probity, as make them fufficiently known to all good men,
and raiſeth them above the cenfure of the malicious.
But thefe exceptions being not many, no more does
prejudice the juftnefs of thefe enfuing defcriptions, than
Balaam and Lucian's affes do the ftated definition of that
remarkable creature, That it is an animal fuperlatively
grave and thoughtful, but was never once heard to ſpeak
three words of fenfe or reafon.


As for the performance itfelf, it is but an effay, nay,
only the firft rude ftrokes of a novice; and fam'd Knel-
ler, no doubt, when firft he touched the pencil, brought
forth fuch imperfect productions, as required the hand of
a penman below, to make his defign legible.
But the rough draught of a novice is the devil, you'll
fay! I own it: I perceive full well, there's none of the
characters, but what are a great deal fhort of their full
height, that a multitude of lively ftrokes are wanting in
each; and even thofe that are hit, which the dignity of
the perfonages does merit.
But the plain truth is, being, by an unexpected turn
commanded over the hills and far away, and all mankind
knowing, that wind and tide will wait for nobody, I am,
by all this, fo ftinted, that there has been but very little
more time allotted to the compofing, then many would
afk to the bare tranfcribing of the work.
Permit it, therefore, as it is, to hang in view of the
Horfe-Guards, Meufe-Gate, Bread-Street Corner, or
fome fuch eminent place of fale, till more leifure, or a
better hand amend it.
Portsmouth, Auguft 24th, 1768.

00000000
20000 0000 0000 5060 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 ses 3000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000
*************
40000 0000 00000000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 1000 1000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000 0000
I
THE
CHARACTER.

OF A
SHIP of WAR.
fort benger
T is a wooden World, fabricated by the frail
hand of MAN, and yet it is of more firm
contexture than the great one, if we may be-
lieve old Sages, who tell us this would drop to
pieces, if but one atom only was wanting; whereas our
wooden Creation holds firm together, when battered worfe
than a bawdy-houfe.
It is Noah's Ark improved to the beft advantage, with
all the tame beafts garbled out, that hate the ſmell of gun
powder.
It is a floating caffle, or airy fortrefs rather, being go-
verned by the motions of the wind, and flies fo faft, that
no bird in nature, but a woodcock, can hold way with it.
It is the
is the moft admirable fwimming contrivance that
ever mortal thought brought forth, for the ruin of all who
long for it; as far furpaffing both in defign and fuccefs,
the quondam bawdy-houfe on the Thames, as St. Paul's
church does Dr Burgefs's conventicle.
It is the great bridge of the ocean, conveying over to
all habitable places, death, pox, and drunkennefs; and
brings back in return, all the foreign vices that we are
ftrangers to in our own country.
B
8
THE CHARACTER OF A

It is the great wooden-horfe of nature, for the accont
modation of all fuch as want to ride poft-halte from one
want to ride
world to the other.
It is the fovereign of the aquatic globe, giving defpotic
laws to all the meaner fry that live upon that fhining
empire.
It is the new Bridewell of the Nation, where all the in
corrigible rafcals are fent to wear out ropes, and make
more work for the hempen whores in London.
It is the Chriftian fanctuary for non-folvent debtors,
and unfortunate whore-malters, who are no lefs fecured
here than mifcreants of old at the horns of the altar.
It is Old Nick's academy, where the feven liberal fci-
ences of fwearing, drinking, thieving, whoring, killing,
couzening and back-biting, are taught to full perfection.
It is the mighty guardian of our Ifland, defending us.
all around from foreign dangers, as watchfully as a maftiff
does an orchard.
It is the grand patron of all mechanic traders, by finking
and deftroying one half of their manufactures, to bring
the other half to a good market.
It is the grand benefactor to fhipping and failors, by
eafing them of part of their cargo, that they may the bet-
ter run from danger, and taking care of their men when
the toilfome voyage is over.
It is the illuftrious emblem of vain man, who fancies,
himſelf immortal in his children, becauſe they are called
by his name; when God knows, they have fcarce one
inch of timber of the fabric they are chriftened by; the
new fovereign being no more the old one, than a cabbage
is a horſe, becauſe fprung from horfe-dung.
In fine, it is Beelzebub's grand arfenal, where you
meet fo much tumult, thunder, fire, and fmoak, fome-
times, that Old Nick himfelf, cannot tell which way to
turn himself.
Here lies all the infernal engines that caft forth Luci-
fer's thunder-bolts, ranged in rows, like the furgeon's.
galley-pots; and hard it is to tell which of either doth
the moſt execution; what the firft miffeth, the other makes
are of, and both together fend more poor fouls to the de

SHIP OF WAR

yil, than the very devils themfelves do. Hence we may
infer too, that it is old Charon's plague, fending him more
at once than he can turn his hands to, and put him upon
the modern invention of rafting the poor fouls aftern like
water cafks.
Some compare her to a common-wealth, and carry the
allegory from the vane down to the keelfon, and from his
worship the Captain as low as the very fwabber. But
that fage hit it beft undoubtedly, who compared a ship to
a woman.
1
1965
Not that for both are of the female gender; mot for
that the is very apt to be leaky; not for that her pump-
dale fmells ftrongeft when fhe has the foundeft bottom;
but chiefly becaufe her rigging and fitting forth, is always
worth double her carcafe.
She is commonly in her difhabille, till the time fhe ap-
pears at Spithead, and there he looks more charming
than a painted whore in a fide-box.
To this grand rendezvous of wooden beauties, come
oft-times fat country 'fquires, led by the fame curiofity
that draws them to the Tower in term-time, to fee his
Majeſty's wild beaſts.
Nor do ladies difdain to pay vifits hither, when Epfom
and the Bath are out of feafon, for variety is the happineſs
of life; and oft have they found by experience, that the
heaving and fetting in a man of war, is much more effica-
cious than Spa water. Deal bas
To give one general definition of the inhabitants of this
wooden wonder, is difficult, becauſe they belong to various
regions, there being as many graduated manfions in her,
as is betwixt us and the empyreal heaven; they can't be
all fleſh, that is certain, becauſe many of them live under
water; and yet, though they both eat and fleep there,
they have no more gills than an oyster.
They are a frange generation of mortals, that is cer-
tain; for they feed and fleep in their fhell, like worms in
a nut; and the more they eat, ftill the more they enlarge
their quarters.
They are ten times more populous than a Dutch com-
on-wealth, and have a thousand times lefs of their own
B 2
10
THE CHARACTER OF A

growth to live upon; and yet the States-General, God
blefs them, fcoff not much better than they do. D
In fine, they are the chaff of the world, being toffed
here and there by every blaft that bloweth. When they
walk, they fwing their corps like a pendulum, and believe
it the moſt upright fteady motion. They are fure to walk
firm, where all other creatures tumble; and feldom can
keep their legs long, when they get upon terra firma.
firma.o
I have kept you thus ftaring without board, purely till
the captain be ready to receive us: let us enter now a
God's name, and fee what a reception his honour will give.
375 12 ટ્રી ફી
toll allami slab
dido d
sad oldnot drow
sal at ditommos si sl
THE CHARACTER OF Adige to se
apoo vabused in SEA CAPTAIN aid of
HE
or mods eb de
E is a Leviathan, or rather a kind of Sea-god, whom
the poor Tars worship as the Indians do the devil,
more through fear than affection; nay, fome will have it,
that he is more a devil than the devil himself.
Old Nick has fo much confcience, they fay, as to allow
all his flaves their hire; and lets them many times poffefs
more than their due dividend of human enjoyments, but
this ruler of the roaft has fo little Chriftian honefty, as to
force the failors, not only to work, watch, and fight, but
even ftarve too, for his fole advantage: puts them upon a
thouſand extra fervices, and works of fupererogation, and
afterwards fends them to the devil for a reward, if they
but barely offer to afk one. di allig om en svad vods
dallig som
His extraction is not from the dung-hill, that is cer-
tain; for his dad in a drunken frolic, begot him at fea;
and thence comes his eager inclination to wine and
powder ever after.
aſk
yo
gun-
Though it is commonly faid of him, that he is better
fed than taught, yet he fully makes up the poverty of his
SEA CAPTAIN.
11

education, with that of his endowments; for he is com-
monly a man of many talents; he relies far more upon
thefe than book-knowledge, and accounts all literature
very impertinent, that tends not directly to the doubling
of a penny.
buy
a
The great cabin is the fanctum fanctorum he inhabits;
from this all mortals are excluded by a marine, with a
brandifhed fword, who guards this bird of Paradife, as
watchfully as the centries do the geefe in St. James's
Park.
Sometimes a humble fupplicant is admitted to the
threſhold, ushered in by the barber, the master of his ce
remonies; and while this poor mendicant addreffes him
with fear and trembling, this fon of Boreas (that he might
not daunt the creature too much) looks round, and turns
his ftern poft directly upon him. ach side of
It must be a great change of weather indeed, when he
deigns to walk the quarter-deck, for fuchia prostitution
of his prefence, he thinks, weakens his authority, and
makes his worship lefs reverenced by the fhip's crew.
Here he is easily diftinguished from all befides; for his
fteps bear proportion with the height of his poft, ftalking
along with grave ftate, like the ghoft in the libertine.
Upon his first popping up, the Lieutenants fheer off to
the other fide, as if he was a ghoft indeed; for it is im-
pudence for any to approach him within the length of a
boat hook.
By this fervile obeifance, one would fancy him fome
conftellation dropt from the clouds, or that at least he was
monarch of far more territories than ever he touched at in
all his voyagings.
He f
He fulfils to a tittle the never-failing proverb: Set a
beggar on horfeback, he'll ride to Peg Crancum's; for
being once mounted his wooden fteed, there is no flop-
ping his career, for he makes every thing fheer before
him.
He is an everlasting admirer of that old faying: Fami-
liarity breeds contempt; which he takes in fo extenfive a
fenfe, that he allows no diftinction betwixt an officer and
a fwabber; exacting infinitely more fubmiffion from his
lieutenant, than he will allow to God Almighty.
12
THE CHARACTER OF A

In fine, looking all around, and fecing his fpot of ter
ritory incircled with falt-water, he fancies himfelf as great
a prince as the prince of Great Britain, mens Shar
This pride of his is the only fea-fick nefs that he is
plagued with, and which intoxicates him to that degree,
that he neither knows himfelf, nor others; but it holds
him no longer than while he is abroad. Remove him
afhore once, and his brains grow fettled, and he becomes
your humble fervant in an inftant.
He projects more trifling innovations in his fhip, than a
shop politician does in the ftate: nothing he believes was
ever rightly done till he took place; and they that know
him better than he does himfelf, won't allow him to be an
inch better man than thofe that flourished in honeft Van
Trump's days. Testost (
Thefe were the days when plain-dealing reigned, when
Manly and Freeman lived like friends together, and merit
fhined with luftre, more than gold; but now the purfer
proud Captain looks afquint on all that chance has placed
below him. implicat
Formerly a well mann'd fide, with one officer alone,
was thought a fufficient token of refpect, but now every
officer must run at midnight to receive their chief, though
he comes aboard as drunk as a beggar. What can we ex-
pect lefs in the fucceeding year, than that his great proxy,
the firft Lieutenant, attend his waters purely to prevent an
interregnum? For fome, God knows, have had the un-
happy fate to part with their fir-and their lives together.
He complies with his printed inftructions as precifely
as the chaplain does with the rules of the gofpel. His
will is a law, that is certain, and it is his will to act con,
trary to law; for who dare fay to him, What does thou?
But how abfolute foever his command is abroad, he has
a check-mate at home, that oft-times raifes fuch a hurri
cane as to drive him from his moorings; and then it is a
hundred to one if he can bring up before he fplit his repur
tation upon Cuckold's-point, or elſewhere.
And truly the hero fears her more than a ftorm Many
a hecatomb of humble prayers does he offer to appeale
this petticoat deity: nay, and never fails to bring her
SEA CAPTAIN.
13

every now and then from afar, fome valu, his toy or other,
in hopes to keep her a faithful turtle in abfence; but
fhe, alas! is no fuch doleful bird, but a woman; a and I can.
not but think him a very inhuman creature, to put her
upon fo unconscionable a Lent, as to faft a whole fum,
mer's expedition.
bog
How fond foever he appears of his dear duck's compa-
ny, he makes no tirefome ftay with her; for after the ho
ney-moon is over, he pretends preffing orders from the
board; fo taking his laft farewell, he leaves her in the
fuds, and ftraight makes his clopement to Spithead again;
but the Parfon, or fome kind neighbour in the parish,
hearing of her folitary circumstances, very chriftianly en-
deavours to ftop up all gaps of difcontent betwixt them.
His flight from England he takes in the fpring, and
you feldom fee him more till the coming in of woodcocks,
and oft-times it lafts much longer.
Tho' he is but a very forry horfeman, yet he is mightily
given to the chace; but how eager foever he fhews him-
felf in pursuing the game, he always takes great care to
look before he leaps. Hence it is that he is never with-
out a fwinging large 'Ipying-glafs, which yet one would
fancy to be no good one, becaufe his honor is very often
found to fee double through it.
The first thing he peeps at, thro' his trufty fpy-all, is
the chace's port-holes; if fhe is well ftock'd with theſe in
his apprehenfions, he won't look twice; for friend or
enemy, he is a fenrvy fight at a distance; and it is no
wildom to venture within reach of his own eyes, becauſe
Tartars are fwift footed.
He is a great admirer of a fleet failer, and had rather
have a good runner, than a fhip of great force; for if he
can't take, he can leave, and there is no honor loft, if he
comes but off with his bacon: So that willingly he would
fall in with none but merchant-fhips; all befides is dry
meat, and very unpalatable to a man that has his quick
fenfes.
If the loom to his wifh, he is as brifk as bottled ale, and
fies at her with all the fail he can pack; and fain he would
have you fancy than he fhews his much courage by his
14
THE CHARACTER OF A

much crowdi
crowdi
but the Boatfwain perhaps will mutter
you under thee; it is the trick of a hound to be yare
at hares only. a ted bid intstobock on a les con
The
The truth is, he generally looks as fierce and eager as
a tyger purfuing a deer; but if, when he has got a-breaft
of his enemy, he finds that fhe is better flefh'd than he
thought of, the belly-air then unfortunately deferts him,
and you may fairly read his apprehenfions in his very
countenance, o long
He has a rare hand at playing away his Lieutenants up-
on hair brain'd enterprizes; for he is as prodigal as the
devil of other men's blood, when money is in the way, and
always makes ufe of a ieutenant's paw to draw it out of
danger; for though it is mighty common with him to
quit the fhip without leave for a good dinner, yet he makes
it an indifpenfible law never to ftep forth when dsnger
calls him.
So he deputes for his proxy fome num-fkulled officer,
whom he moft efteems; and to demonftrate his kind love
the more, he ftrips him of all, when the prey is took, that
the world may not think that the young 'fquire's courage
was mercenary.
If any of the meaner fry fhall gape for their
proper
fhare, he will be fure to mark that villain out for a muti-
neer in thought, and fit like pitch on his fkirts forever
after.
Thus, tho' he has not one hand in the taking, he will
be fure to have both in the difpofing of a prize. The
king allots him three parts in eight for his fingular hazards,
and he grants himfelf the other five to prevent foolish
fractions and divifions.
Now fools, that give not themſelves the liberty to think,
would fancy all to have fomewhat of knavery in it; where-
as in him it is a digefted thought of prudence; for to di-
vide the fpoil (will he fay) were but every tat a crown;
whereas, ali in a lump, it is a pretty round fum, worth
any gentleman's keeping; but fhould a half-ftarved Sailor
fharp a pair of old fhoes from him, he would furely drub
the pilfering cur to death for it.
Thus the wretched fhip's crew, that fweat and fight for
SEA CAPTAIN.
15

bread, get fcarce the very hufk, whilft he runs away with
bread, get fearce t
the flour of the cargo, and
the cargo, and epicurizes his pocky carcafe
for ever after.
But fometimes he meets with a gruff fubaltern, that
fnarls at his rapacious ftomach, and, by the help of a
board, makes him take up with Doctor's Commons; which
brings the monter down again to his due proportion..
Gold has a far more powerful virtue over him than the
foad-ftones a far
has upon the fea-compafs; which, tho' ever fo
has upon
well touch'd, will often point from its true pole; whereas
this precious flower-de-luce for ever looks directly to the
groat-planet, in fpite of all three-penny changes what-
foever.
Hence, if he be not damnably rich, 'tis none of his
fault, for he boggles at no imaginary quick-fands that
may lie in t
lie in his way: Nay, fuch a hungry shark is he, that
you would fwear he had neither fenfe or tafte of infamy,
In fine, this famous man of war is of fuch unaccountable
workmanship, that four ounces of Vigo duft fhall weigh
him down more than four ton of honefty. Batter him
with gold once, and he fhall ftrike inftantly to the moſt
fcandalous articles that hell can offer.
Thus, he is always more intent upon cramming his bags,
than filling the Sailors' bellies: If they ftarve 'tis no mat-
ter, it is but preffing for more at home, and he has
them; but fometimes he comes many leagues fhort of his
reckoning; for thro' want of hands to work her, the fhip
is loft in a ftorm; and fo his worship goes with all his
ill-gotten wealth to the devil.
Cheating he believes is the pure effect of a long head,
and is as much fcandalized to find any in his fhip outwit-
ting him at that game. Bubbling he fays, is the refult of
found reafoning, and he that dares not be a rafcal
fair occafion, he is fure dare do nothing.
upon a
Generofity he reckons as unaccountable as the extrava-
gant tricks of knight-errantry; and human compaffion to
be little better than a human frailty. He can no way
credit the ftory of Alexander's throwing the cup of water
from him, before the face of his perishing army; for his
part, he had rather. fee the whole fleet parched
up like
C
16
THE CHARACTER OF A

touchwood, for want of water, than his waſher-man fhould
be ftinted any way; nay, fo incredibly extravagant is he
fometimes, as to wash his cabin with fresh water, when
the ſhip's company want it to allay the burning heat of
their falt
victuals and hard labour. Whoever ftarves his
fheep and hogs to be fure muft live at full allowance.-
Thus, tho' he be no water drinker himſelf, he deftroys an
hundred times more than thofe that have nothing elfe to
live on.
But, pardon me, I am far from drawing him a down-
right reprobate; for all the world knows that he has fome
good works hanging about him. He has fo much Chrif-
tian charity as to make, wills for unfortunate inteftates,
that wanted time to do it for themſelves, and compaffion-
ately eſpouſes the intereft of all thoſe poor fouls that die
abroad without any friends or relations, by generouſly
owning them to have been his fervants; and having upon
the advice of his learned council in Black-Friars, forged
their indentures and names, by the virtue of it, receives
their pay, and very carefully ſecures it for them, till they
come to call for it.
The Purfer would be a rich knave, but for him and the
rats together; but he will b
by no means let the rogue play
his pranks on board, except he pay him foundly for a li-
cenfe; and truly that projector is as good an annuity to
him, as a firſt rate bawdy-houſe is to a Middleſex juftice.
Thefe two often join loggerheads together, and broach
more pernicious contrivances, to the detriment of the fhip,
than ever London vintners did to the ruin of honeft topers.
He often applauds the wiſdom of the Dutch, in letting
their fhips be wholly victualled by their captains; and
fwears that did we but introduce the like among us, it
would quite clear the fleet of the ſcurvy.
One fo folicitous about other people's healths, cannot
be unmindful of his own to be fure; and truly he is ſo ve-
ry
cheary of it, that he fometimes outlives his commiffion
by it; for he had rather part with his fhip, than come
within the poffibility of a Weft-India ficknefs; and yet,
in fpite of all his providence, the
poor tars that
to pifs on his grave a twelvemonth after.
go, live
SEA CAPTAIN.
17

He feafts his brother captains out of pure good huſban-
dry; for they club dinners by turns, and that nothing
may be loft, the fragments are gathered to make a fupper,
and fo cheat both the dogs and the fervants.
His dishes are not many, but very well feafoned; yet
nothing gives fo great a relish to his palate as the hard al-
lowance to his fhip's crew; It is an unfpeakable titilation
to one of his conftitution, to fee every day fo many hun-
dred poor fouls, that would reckon it a bleffing to have
but one favoury fmell at his flefh-pots.
•
He never wants for two forts of liquors, the good and
the bad; the firſt is referved for the fole ufe of the beft
perfon at table, and that is himfelf to be fure: as for
the other, you tha
fhan't want enough of it, and that to be
fure unfophifticated with the other.
He diftributes his dead hogs and fheep as he does
his caft apparel, among his followers, who by their eat-
ing, feem to fancy it fomewhat divine, becaufe killed by
the hand of Providence; and truly they may thank Pro-
vidence for it, which elfe all had been spent at their maf-
ter's table.
Once a moon, perhaps, he invites fome Marine-Lieute-
nant to tafte of his bounty; but the poor gentleman finds
his dinner beſtowed rather as a charity, than an honoura-
ble entertainment; for upon his entry, he finds him afore-
hand feated at table, with as ftiff an air as if he expected
your coming to kifs his toe; for no Pope on earth can
look greater. Down you fit along with this dumb god,
who fhews what you are to do next, by firft helping him-
felf. If you won't follow you may faft; for, by Neptune,
he won't affift
taffift you. Thus you fit as mute as a fifh, or a
bawd at an evening lecture, till his worship has finished,
and then he rifes firft; you may flay or follow him, if
you pleaſe, not into the cabbin, but upon deck, and there
you may walk and digeft both your meat and your recep-
tion. But who would not curſe his haughty fenfelefs va-
nity, that makes a gentleman pay dearer for his forry
commons than ever Pontac chalked up to a fortunate club
of city cuckolds! A fervile conftraint is much more re-
fented by a generous foul than a deep reckoning.
C 2
18
THE CHARACTER OF A

He never deigns to difcourfe at table with any body
below a brother Captain, and then the grand text they
hold forth upon, is the behaviour of their Lieutenants,
whofe reputation they worry more greedily than their
victuals; but fometimes their villainous reflections take
wind, and then ten to one but their bullet-heads com-
pound for the lapfes of their tongues.
View but his mufter-books, and you'll, by
1 you'll, by their rates,
fancy his men the ftouteft fellows in the navy; but view
them on the deck, and Lord! what a herd of animals
you'll behold! At every tenth call perhaps you may tally
down a failor. What difcouragement gives not this to
right-bred tars from entering volunteers, where they find
a fcoundrel taylor, or rafcally barber, meet with ten times
better entertainment, and never touch a rope for it? If
he is allowed a score or two of fervants, for the greater
encouragement of navigation, he's fure to pick up a fcum
that are good for nothing, that they may coft him next
to nothing in the keeping.
Thefe he often puts into the king's livery, and makes
him pay for the ftuff, to avoid the penalty; but more of-
ten he covers this wretched blackguard with white can-
vas, that the lice may want good footing.
A few he has of a higher form, whom he calls his me
nial retinue; thefe, tho' juft picked off from a taylor's
fhopboard, are rated able on his fhip's books. Thus he
has every thing at free coft, from a fteward down to a
fhoe-wiper. When thefe are once initiated within the
fteerage, they are, like facred devotees, for ever after de-
barr'd prophaning their hands with ropes or tar-buckets.
He fpends a deal of puzzling thought upon his boat's
crew, and racks his invention upon their equipment; if he
hits upon any new maggot in their caps or coats, he is
prouder of his ingenuity than a first-rate taylor when his
fpan new fashion takes at St James's. He had much ra-
ther fee his coxfwain in a clean fhirt than his Lieutenant;
and believes a kittifon a nobler piece of magnificence than
a good table.
He has a mortal averfion to your merchant-fhip cap-
tains, not purely for their prefumptuous affumption of his
SEA CAPTAIN.
19

proper title, but out of an old grudge; for he can't yet
hake off the remembrance of thofe many dry blows he re-
ceived when cabin-boy to old Gruff of Wapping. Jis
Yet his averfion is not fo invincible, but it may be fur-
mounted by a weighty prefent upon a homeward-bound
voyage; and he takes their offering with as much fuper-
cilious ftate, as an caftern monarch, or Weft-India viceroy.
His Lieutenants are his great eye-fore, becaufe they
alone lay pretenfions to gentility; a thing that alarms
him more than a lighted pipe in a powder-room. He
nfes them with much ftricter feverity, confidering their
ftation, than he does the loufy crew; he tops upon them
like a yard-arm, to deprefs them the lower on the other
fide.
The plain truth is, it is fomewhat better being his dog,
or his monkey, than his fubaltern; for he makes a hail
fellow of thefe upon his quarter-deck, whilft he keeps all
befides at a proper diftance.
But fometimes he has the good luck to meet with a
very complaifant fellow, that will fetch and carry like
Tray, and fuffer himself to be bubbled, and rid like an
afs, with thankfulnefs. This is the officer fo long wifhed
for; this he cries up for a paramount Lieutenant, and juft
ready ripe for a Captainfhip; fo, by a rafcally recom
mendation to the board, he endeavours to reward him at
the public coft; for, to be fure, this creature will prove
just a fuch catterpillar as his mafter.
After his dogs are ferved, he diftributes the remains of
his loving kindnefs on fome fnotty-nofed letter-man, the
product of fome quondam punk, or alewife. If one of
thefe carry any fancied ftrokes of his features, that lucky
youth is certainly mark'd out for a commiffion; and he
fhall force a rupture with fome of his Lieutenants, to
make a vacancy for him, rather than he fhould wait till
manhood without one.
A great politician he must needs be, for he fails with
every fhift of wind; and when the gale of good fortune
fhrinks, he alters his courfe, and reaches his port by the
traverfe rules of injuftice and oppreffion.
If the wind and tide of affairs prove too violent, he then
29
THE CHARACTER OF A

I
f
1
J
1
certainly trims about, and bears away for any place, tis
no matter what port, whether Turk, or Infidel, for a-
gainst wind and tide too there is no working.de barışa
He is neither a wit nor a fool; for he has commonly
too much greafe, and too little erudition, to be the one;
and has feen fo much of the world that he cannot well be
the other; yet he's fo far a fot, as to think no man fees
fo well as himself, becaufe none has travelled fo many
leagues as he has done.
He has no mortal averfion for the French; it is not
their blood he thirfts after, but their claret; 'tis involun-
tary to be fure, if he fpills either the one or the other.
He is
not focommonly a ftiff man for the government, yet
not fo fliff as to carry fail againft all weathers. He loves
loyalty, but he loves his fhip much better; and rather
than lofe this, he will throw the other overboard in a
ftorm. To beat up against all revolutions does but difa-
ble a man, and drives him into the gulph of poverty,
which he dreads more ten thoufaud times over than the
Bay of Bifcay.
He laughs at the poor fimplicity of the antients, that
fhaped their courfe to wealth by the ftraight lines of ho-
nefty and plain-dealing; the world is now found to be
globular ever fince the difcovery of the West Indies; and
confequently, cries he, the only way to hit rightly upon
Peru and Mexico, is by the curved lines of our modern
mercators, who make all the meridionals of the chart of
life to bend and center in the two poles of luxury and
power.
There are no blafts fo frightful to him, as thofe ftrong
unexpected turnadoes that come off fhore from the terri-
tories of the admiralty; thefe fometimes reach him as far
as Brazil and Jamaica, and moft certainly overfet him, if
be be not ready ftiffen'd with Peru ballaft. If he have
enough of this, he may get fafe home, provided, always he
ohferve well his land marks, keeping Crutched Friars in
a line with the Horfe-Guards; and then he may run i
boldly to Chatham.
in
Being arrived there, his first thought is to inform the
board that he and the fhip are both living; and the next

SEA CAPTAIN?
21
is, to petition for a few weeks comfortable relaxation from
the woeful fatigues of a perpetual fwilling, eating, and
fleeping, for a whole twelvemonth together, to the great
triment of his body and face, which are already become
as unfafhionable as a Smithfield innkeepers. Having made
this remonftrance, afhore he comes, with fo bluftring an
air, as if he fancied himſelf the fon of Neptune, come to
declare war againſt the whole earth.
The firſt trip he makes is to his precious helpmate, and
the next to Whitehall, where you will find him offering
at the airs of a courtier. He begins with the porter of the
office at the Anchor of Hope, to whom he pays more fer-
vile cringes, than ever he allowed on board his own fhip
to his betters; but tho' he muft pafs mufter here, he can-
not at St. James's; for the tar is fmelt out under all his
trappings.
In fine, ftrip him of every thing but himſelf, or let him
truck jackets with any of his barge-men, and if
and if you dif
tinguith him from out the crew, I'll give you leave to hang
him; their diſcourſe, their behaviour, their paffions, their
aims, their wiſhes, their every-thing fo alike, that any one
that has but ſenſe enough to know fish from fleſh, will cry
out, They are all of a mould, and there's never a barrel
of better herrings faderen nomidan vil
I
A SEA LIEUTENANT,
Sa Gentleman, he'll tell you, by his commiffion; and
hence it is he carries it always about him, to give you
demonftration-proof, in cafe you call it in queftion: He
lugs it out as often as he does his watch, and believes both
together convincing proofs of his gentility.
The better officer he is, he is fure of having the worfer
Captain; for, upon the diligence and compliance of the
one, depends the pride and lazinels of the other; fo that
the one doing as he ought, the other is fure to do nothing.
22
A SEA LIEUTENANT.

Thus thefe two
thele two are generally pair'd like married couples,
the very good wife being linked in the chain of Provi-
dence to the good-for-nothing hufband.
There are feveral forts and fizes of Lieutenants, but
they may be compriſed within three degrees of compariſon:
The first of thefe is the Captain's vicegerent, and gene-
rally heir apparent to him; and often in his fleep he fan-
cies himself actually in poffeffion, to the no fmall wonder
of the quarter-deck, when in the dead of the night, they
hear him cuff about the bed and bed-pofts, and crying out
in a cold fweat, Zounds, mind your hand, you dog a
"the helm, and bear away; bear up round
round you flave, for
at
the enemy you fee edge down upon us :" fo offering at
the quartier's chops in his dream, he ftrikes his fift againft
the ſhip-fide, and ftraight that awakens him, to his no lit-
tle comfort in finding he had been all this while fleeping
ole Akin.
in a whole
If he is in a leading fhip his hopes ftand fair, and fair-
er ftill if he's alone on a long expedition; there, oft does
he pray for his Captain's death moſt unfeignedly, but not
that it may come by a cannon fhot; for he loves not to
wet his finger with a bloody commiffion: It is moft legi-
ble when only in white and black, and he hopes to keep
it fo all his days, when he gets it.
His ambition reaches juft commiffion-high, all other
contemplations, he reckons extra-duties, and the mere
conundrums of an idle fancy.
He is eminently fkilled in talking much to little pur
pofe, and believes all knowledge beyond the reach of his
difcipline, not worth founding för.
you
He is a man of parts, that he is fure of, and he would
deem himſelf a great blockhead if he told you not as much
the first time he fees He tells often, both drunk
ces you.
and fober, what a notable fellow he is, and the many re-
formations he will introduce, and what mighty diſcoveries
he will make, when he comes into his kingdom; and yet,
had he his wishes, he would juft keep his word in this, as
in all his other promifes; he would reign juft like the la-
zy monarch before him, and fhew he had not one osace
of better bload than his leader.
A SEA LIEUTENANT.
23

He is fo much the Captain's right hand, that he can
fearce wipe his backfide without him. He is a fecond
fofia, and affumes the Captain's phiz, air, pride and blaf-
phemy, in his abfence; then he acts his rehearſal over,
that he may not have his part to feek, when he comes to
be dubbed Captain indeed.
Tho' he fees the court lefs, he has yet as much circum-
fpection afhore, in his converfation as his Captain; for he
takes care to fmell the ground where he is, and, like a
wife philofopher conforms to time and place most precifely.
Hence it comes, that among unconftrained manly fociety,
he is as amicable as a fheep, and very feldom talks atheifm
but in the prefence of the chaplain, or is very unruly but
in civil company.
But follow him ftraight into his wooden territories, and
you'll fee him difplay his commiffion with a vengeance,
efpecially in the captain's abfence; then he will overact
his part moft unfufferably, infomuch that you'd wonder a
Theep fhould fo fuddenly all at once be turned to a tyger.
Speak to him there, tho' in never fo mild terms, he
takes it in his own way, and anfwers you in fire and fmoak
thro' his noftrils: In this kind of unmannerly Billingfgate
clafhing, he is a much greater mafter than at the clafhing
of weapons.
The more gruff and wafpifh he is, the lefs he tolerates
it in others; and you hear him a thoufand times ftorming
at the haughtinefs of fuch as have ten times lefs than
himſelf.
Oft does he mutter at the partialities of the board, and
admires at the neglect of merit, including himfelf for cer-
tain; and yet his preferment has already outrun his de
ferts, farther than ever his dead reckoning did his obfer
vation.
His poft in a fight is the gun deck, and there he is fure
but of one chance against him; for he would deem him
felf an unpardonable blockhead, if he kept not out of the
way of fmall fhot.
Of all the officers in the fhip he rails the moft against
the Captains, tho' he is the firft of any that hopes to be
D
24
A SEA LIEUTENANT.

one. He'll tell you a thoufand wicked ftories of them in
his cups, and fwears they are more fatal to the fhip than
ftinking beef, and ſcarce one worth keelhawling.
But when he is fober again, he ferioufly curfes the free-
dom of his tongue, and is ready to eat his words when
you'll have him. He relies on the captain's good word,
as the cut-water to his preferments, and begs a certificate,
when he removes from the fhip, with as fneaking a look
almoft as a cripple does from a country juftice.
He makes, at every turn, a heavy coile about the dif
cipline of the navy, and yet puts it as little in practice
as his lazy commander. Every old woman knows, that
the end of war-fhips is fighting; but this fpluttering ma-
nager feems to believe them built and maintained purely
for failing and wearing out canvafs.
Hence, if he have but hands enough to furl, reef, and
make finnate, he concludes this wooden fortrefs better
mann'd than the Trojan horfe, for fhe is fitted for all
weathers.
So the only thing he dreams not on, is the difcipline of
fighting, till chance fometimes throws him in the way of
it; and then he is ftruck as mute as a young whore taken
in the fact, and knows not which way to turn him, for
it is too late then to offer at inftructing the fhip's crew,
whom he has kept as ignorant of gunnery as a hackney
coachman.
He reckons himſelf (though perhaps but the fon of a
coftard-monger) fifty degrees above the commander of a
merchant-fhip; and yet his gentility is fure to ftoop low-
er than the other in matters of traffic; nay, fuch a forry
dealer is he in fmall ware, that you would fwear he had
ferved twice feven years apprenticeship to a country pedlar.
He judges of men, as he does of fhips, by the outfide
and he that makes the moft gilded appearance, is moft
certainly the happieft in his mathematical conceit.
His feniority gives him fome advantages over his bro-
thers; but the only beft is that of half pay, when the war
is blown over. Were it not for this, his thoughts would
tumble to and fro, worſe than a fhip becalmed after a great
ftorm in the gulph of Lions..
A SEA LIEUTENANT.
25

The fecond Lieutenant, is a kind of fpare-topmaft,
that lies idle while the firft is ftanding, and in good con-
dition; fo we'll c'en lay him fore and aft for the prefent,
and come to the loweft, who is as tall as the higheſt in
his own conceit.
This fame then is a kind of hobbedehoy, or boy in
man's cloaths; for his chin is yet as ſmooth as the back-
fide of his commiffion. Being young and fupple, the cap-
tain endeavours to qualify him to be penny-poft man, as
not having half-pay to truft to.
He fends him upon a
thouſand fleevelefs errands, to the great confolation of the
footman, and his own great diverfion; for he takes no
little pleaſure to humble the young 'fquire, and pull him
down beyond ordinary, that when he comes up, he may
ftand at the true bent, fit for a commander to fhoot his
game withal.
He must come to the ring of midnight bell, though it
be but to call a fervant. He muft go a league or two to
carry a leg of mutton (but under pretence of carrying a
letter) to a brother Captain, and to afk, by the by, how
he digefted his laft night's debauch.
If he boggle or ftand upon his punctilios, and refuſe
performing fuch like meffages, he is immediately pro-
claimed throughout the fleet, a riefty puppy; and the
Captains one and all, join notes together, and bark the
poor gentleman out of the navy; at leaft he has a mark
of diftinction clapt on him behind his back, which makes
him in almoft as forlorn a condition as a fresh water booby
condemned to ftorm the caftle.

up
But all this wears off in time, and his authority grows
o with his beard; fo that in one twelvemonth he comes
to be an able, roaring, threſhing fellow, and fit to be ſent
upon preffing
So when the fhip has been fufficiently depopulated by
ill ufage, my fpark is detached afhore, with fome choice
hounds, to go hunt out a freſh ſtock.
He hugs the occafion, to be fure on't, for he never fan-
cies himſelf fo great by his commiffion, as by his prefs-
warrant, becauſe here he hectors without a rival.
The truth is, he and his bandogs together, make a woe.
D 2

25
A SEA LIEUTENANT.
ful noife in all the fea-port towns round the kingdom; he
beats up all quarters, and rummages all the Wapping ale-
houfes, as narrowly as he would a prize from the Indies.
The alewives tickle him in the gills with the title of
Captain, which makes him oft-times ftay to get drunk in
their houſes, out of pure joy and gratitude.
But his ftricteft inqueft is in your failors proper habita-
tion; there he plays the devil upon two fticks, and pries
into every fufpicious corner; whilft the poor wife, to quiet
him, freely lets him examine every hole he can find out,
and then he marches off well fatisfied.
In fine, he is a perfect hurricane in a little town, and
drives the laggard dog along the streets, with as much
noife and buftle, as butchers do fwine to Smithfield; nay,
not only forces them to run againſt the ftream, but oft-
times makes them tow a-ftern a heavy fly-boat of a wife,
as far as from Tweed to Medway; and though he really
hurry men off against their inclinations, he is as far
is far from
being a kidnapper as a hangman is from being a cut-
throat.
In the days of yore he ufed to play the devil amongst
the Newcastle colliers, who oft-times, to fhun his threat-
ning Scylla, have grounded their veffels on Charybdis.
But thofe who knew his trim, ufed to load him well with
ale and falmon, the common way to forereach upon him
but if he chanced to prove fo head-ftrong, that no liquor
could overcome him, the laft remedy then was, to bring
out fome yellow boys, which were of far more eſteem
with him than fo many fun-burnt failors. Thus in one
Northern trip, he would pick ye up a hundred or two of
thefe little younkers, with which he could fight better
than with fo many ftout tars in an engagement.
Having brought him back again among his brethren,
let us now take him to be as good as the beft of them,
and fo draw him in perfection.
Though he is an officer, he is a downright eye-fervant,
and is never fo active as in the prefence of his commander :
he is then perpetually making incurfions into the boat-
fwain's province, and too often intrenches upon his pro-
per duty: for he is a fmart fellow at a cudgel, and oft
A SEA LIEUTENANT,
27

does he make the poor tars yelp and run about like dogs
in a church under the correction of the fexton.
He can no more refrain drubbing in the fight of ftran-
gers than a Frenchman can hold from cutting capers in
the prefence of ladies; and he has as great an itch at
breaking of heads on board, as he has afhore at breaking
windows; and well he may, for here he lays on with ir-
refiftible blows, and always comes home fear free.
Thus he trains up failors, as carmen do horfes, with
the ftick and whip; for he knows by the conftitution of
his own nature, that no good can be done without drub-
bing.
trad
But if he gives, he takes fometimes, infomuch, that it
is not eafy to determine which of the two provokes moſt
the other, he or his captain; if this ufe the first like an
afs, the firft gives him good caufe by his fervile fuffer-
ance.
રસ
થઈ હતી.
But Job at laft complained, and fo did he; but instead
of being foretold better, it cofts him his ruin: for though
right and juftice be his advocates, 'tis captains only hear
and judge him, and thofe brother ftarling are birds of a
feather, that always agree together.
He is a mighty exact man about trifles, and lays more
ftrefs upon the running up of yards and topmafts well af-
ter a ftorm, than of the running out of guns brifkly in an
engagement.
If but a pitiful boat, clapt aboard, though in fafe har-
bour, without timely notice fir given, he fhall make a
greater clamour and uproar, than if the were grappled by
a fire-fhip.
He is never truly calm, but in the hurly-burly of a
fight;
for then people have other fish to fry, than to mind
him; nor is he forry for it, becaufe (howfoever he may
flatter himself at other times) upon fuch occafions he finds
himfelf but made of the common mould, and as liable to,
flink as other mortals; but he cannot eafily be fmelt out
amidft fo much fmoke of gunpowder.
He is no hypocrite as to his vices, that is certain; for
he'll tell you a hundred times over without afking, what a
notable lewd fellow he is, and has been in his generation,
and values himself not a little npon the reputation of it.
28
A SEA LIEUTENANT.

He'll fwear to you, he has made more cuckolds than
bowls of punch; and believes there is no more fin in ta-
king a ſpell with a whore, than in pumping a leaky veffel.
The furgeon makes much more of his debauchery, than
his courage, and always takes care to patch him up with
fpeed, to have the better cuftomer of him.
But yet after all, if you won't believe he is very often
guilty of lying, you'll wrong him; for he is not altogether
fo very a mifereant as he would pafs for, fathering many
more wicked pranks than ever he had force or courage to
be guilty of. Lord, what number of fine women has he
overfet; and how many lufty fellows has he made look
pale, whom he never once faw or dreamed of.
Not but that he has made many attempts of both kinds,
and with the like fuccefs, as feldom coming off from the
one without a clap, as from the other without a beating:
when he has got his belly full of both, he puts aboard
again, and one fummer's voyage buries all in oblivion.
When he's out at fea, he is in a ftrange pickle, and oft
looks around him, with as penfive a phiz, as an horfe pen-
ned up
in a pinfold. Lord, cries he, Who but a madman
would go to fea to fifh for bread! Ads death, there is no
living like a Chriftian, but upon terra firma.
But as there is no place fo wretched, as to want its
comforts, he weans by degrees his longings after the flesh-
pots of Sodom, and in lieu of whores, makes cards and dice
his ferious entertainment. He tempers his bad throws
with good punch, for the box and glafs go hand in hand
together. By the time he has unloaded his pockets, he
is floated off his legs, and then drives upon the coaft of
Bedfordshire, and there he flicks fatt till next morning.
He as little thinks of going to heaven as to Jamaica:
He cannot, he fays, find any fixed pole-ftar, or mathema-
tical rule, to truft to in that voyage; fo he fhapes his
courſe after his Captain, without obferving any latitude
in his doingse
But though he tries every way, both by little and large,
to keep up with his leader, he is commonly wronged very
much for want of fail and fkill too; fo that how well fo
ever he can weather upon others, he never is able to fore-
reach upon his commander.
A SEA LIEUTENANT.
29
He has an equal averfion to fighting and peace, and
prays heartily for the long life of Lewis, for fear the war
die with him. Oft does he ruminate on that unhappy
change, and then his thoughts are adrift what courfe to
fteer; but at last he grounds himself upon the iſle of
pirates.
But alack, his noble refolutions fhift like tides; for
-every beacon he meets with, reminds him of Tyburn, and
then he determines to hawl upon a bowling all the days
of his appointed time, rather than teach fools wiſdom at
his own coft, and hang up in chains for the good of pof-
terity.me
'Tis this thought often mortifies him in the days of
profperity, and makes him, by intervals, a much more hu
mane officer than otherwife his nature would allow him
to be. dinalu edas
In fine, he is the captain's humble pig in a ftring, or
rather his greyhound, let loofe after every chace, which, if
he take, he is ſure to pick the bones for his labour; but
of all chaces, he likes that of a well-freight widow beſt
if he can but once clap her aboard, he is fure to carry
her; and though he cannot pretend to make her all his
own, yet he sticks by her till he has reached to the end of
his voyage of life.
Now, after all that has been faid, it must be owned,
that you fhall fometimes ftumble upon a Lieutenant, as
cuckolds do upon hidden treafures, of a very different
make to what you find here; who, as they have been born
to, and bred up in the principles of honour and virtue, fo
they would not, for all the plunder got at Alicant, ftoop
to any thing beneath their birth and character.

80
A SEA CHAPLAIN
paid of
A SEA CHAPLAIN,
S one that in his junior days was brought up in the
fear of the Lord; but the univerfity reafoned him out
of it at laft, and he has oft-times thanked his good ſtars
for it.

1
It is his happiness, he believes, that he ftaid not to take
any deep root at the college, for then he might unfortu
Aately have grown up to be a pedant, and pored himself
into ftupidity.
He
He has improved himself wonderfully, fince he came to
be a fellow-commoner in the navy, infomuch that no man
living can impofe a fallacy upon his underſtanding, in any
element that comes within the verge of the cock-room;
nay, fuch is the ftrength of his intellects, and fo admira..
ble is his penetration, that he fhall fpy out wild fowl,
when they are, as it were, in the clouds to all befides, and
fmell out roaft meat a good league off, or better; but
though he be really a perfon of fingular tafle, and nice of
fenfe, he never has the vanity to be thought fo.
He is feldom oppreffed with the drudgery of prayer;
once a day were an intolerable burthen, that would lie
heavier upon his ftomach than rufty pork or burgoo.
He is a preacher, though he never once came within a
pulpit; he holds forth, according to the true primitive
way; I don't mean in a tub, but a much furer footing;
for ftanding upon the firm deck, he hangs his nofe and
arms over the back of a chair, and fo falls to fplitting his
text moft methodically; but the plain truth is, it is ready
fplit to his hands; for he is fo orthodox a Parfon as to
offer you no fermon, but what has paffed the teft of the
prefs, and has perhaps the firft of a bishop too, to warrant
it found ware.
A dozen or two of thefe are his whole ftock; and
therefore, to prevent a too naufeous tautology, he every
year, if he can, removes into a frefh fhip, among new pa-
A SEA CHAPLAIN.
31

rishioners, and feldom does there fail of his own tribe,
ready to change with him upon the very fame motive.
He is one who fhall make a text point as many ways
as the compass, and never wants a pocket full of them, to
comfort his heart with upon any carnal occafion,
Though he fpeaks more truths than an oracle, yet he
feldom fays as he thinks; his nofe and his tongue are dif-
fenters to each other, and very rarely jump in the colours
of good and evil; by the one you may hear that nothing
is fo precious as the word of the Lord, and by the other,
you may both fee and feel, that a good bottle, in his fen
fes, is ten times more valuable than the Bible. The
plain truth is, he is much better at the compofing a bowl
of punch
e fean a fermon,
molefts a poor dying foul with his wifits, be-
caufe he wifely confiders, that a failor is a man of no ce-
remony; he verily creates far more peace of confcience to
the fhip's company by his practice than his preaching;
for he is the great exemplar they walk by.
There's as great a difference between him and a reve.
rend divine, as between a quack-doctor and a learned phy.
Lician; and he will never fhew it more than when
you of-
fer to tell him fo; for he will be readier to confute
with his fifts than any other proofs whatever.
you
He reckons a fober Chaplain in the navy to be a down-
right nonconformift, and thinks himself obliged in con-
fcience to keep aloof from him, to avoid being tainted
with fo damnable a herefy.
He's an equal enemy to Popery and Calvinifm, and,
manifefts it thoroughly in his zeal for a furloin in Lent,
and minced pies at Chriftmas.
There's no hell to him like living eternally on falt pro-
vifions; fire and brimftone is but a fool to it..
Of all ceremonies, he likes well that of a cushion in
praying; yet, to fhew his excefs of loyalty, he will drink
the King's health on his knees without one.
He drinks and prays with much the like fervour. He
turns up his glafs and the whites of his eyes together, and
in the fincerity of his heart drinks it off moft canonicallya
E
32
A SEA CHAPLAIN.

He abominates all furring upon friendly fociety, and
had much rather choofe to drink twice, than he once fuf-
pected of baulking his neighbour.
ei
To fhew his abundant humility, he will fometimes drink
flip with the Midshipman; and to prevent the fall of a
weak brother, he will oft be fo charitable as to drink for
him.
He fulfils that axiom to a tittle, fimile fimili gaudet; for
no man that is merely human, can be more converfant
with fpiritual matters, than he is; nay, fo elevated a crea-
ture is he, that fearce can he fuffer any foul in his prefence,
vilely to commix them with fuch things as favours not
thereof
He never gives any open fymptoms of being difaffected
to the government, and yet he is certainly unalterably de-
voted to the French intereft; for though he pretends to
love the king and the church mighty well, yet, he loves
Bourdeaux wine and brandy much better.
He reckons it a great condefcenfion to admit Sir
into his company; but for belch, he drinks it as he takes
the oaths, upon mere neceffity.
You fhall hear him oft-times hold forth in his cups, ac-
cording as the fpirit of wine gives him utterance; but you
fhall feldom or never find him reel along in the paths of
righteoufnefs; for when he once gets in for it, he throws off
his gown and hypocrify together, and becomes the bell-
weather of the flock, to run them pallmall into the pin
folds of the devil.
But for him the fhip's crew would be paffable good
Chriftians; whereas his exemplary prefence makes them
often calls his words to account, and too often doubt his
Sunday labour a fham, & himfelf a facred what-ye-call 'em.
A hardened Atheist he is not, for a great form will
make him unfeignedly fearful, and then the poor rogue
looks aghaft like a pick-pocket taken in the fact, or an
old bawd at the day of judgment, without having the com-
fortable profpect of one mountain to fall on his head.-
Hence it comes, that he fometimes back-flides to the
quacking fect, in fpite of his gown and godlinefs.
He wears his prunella-gown as chearfully as he docs his


A SEA CHAPLAIN.
33

honefty; there's fomewhat in the wind, to be fure, when
he puts on either; and truly why fhould a man rub out
good things, without a folid confideration for it?
In foreign countries he takes care to hide his light un-
der a bufhel; his coat, fword and neckcloth make him
pafs current for a high German doctor; and one would
fwear him one indeed by his phyfical notion of things;
for a thorough debauch, he will tell you, is like fresh in a
river, fweeps away all the mud and fandy banks of our
microcofm, and a found wench cools the blood in het
countries, & keeps the flesh from warring against the fpirit.
Hence it is, that he envies not at home the country.
Vicar, with his tythe-pigs and plumb-puddings, fince here
he can whore with fecurity, and get drunk like a gentle-
man, without fcandal.
One might well believe him a good common-wealth's
man, for he loves dearly to propagate his fpecies, even in
the very lands that know him not If he chufe to per-
form this great work in a blind corner, and not on the
houfe top, it is to fhew himfelf one of no great oftentation;
and truly, he is a perfon of fo much felf-denial, that with
great refignation be patiently lets others have the glory of
fathering his labours.
It were great malice to fay he is a man of no principles;.
for all know him an everlafting adherer to that one of felf-
prefervation; and no one ever found him flinch in that.
principal of life, a good ftomach.
He has fo good an opinion of his own parts, that he
fancies to do you a favour, in giving you his company at
all entertainments, and would take it as an affront to hea-
ven and learning, to let him contribute a mite towards it.
He flies at all game, whether it be the flesh of fowl, or
the flesh of fish; wherefoever he fixeth his pounces, fhe
is his own, bones and all, if any way practicable, for it is
too much lofs of time to make a feparation.
The only way to overcome him at argument, is here,
for he had much rather let the beft fyllogifm in the world.
grow cold than his victuals. To keep his grinders from
mouldering against each other, he fupplies both fides with
E 2
34
A SEA CHAPLAIN.

grids at once; if his tongue chance to pop in the way,
the
Lord have mercy on it; for his jaws know no halting.
The Captain, when he has got a fuperordinary dinner,
fends for him to give the benediction; and truly he thinks
it a very good benediction to be there to give one. He
makes no long winded graces, becauſe he loves to keep his
breath to cool his pottage.d
He is the Captain's trufty comrade at a game, or fo, on
Sunday evening, for there is no playing with a lay-bro
ther on that night, for fear it takes wind, and fly to the
board fooner than the news of a victory; but they play not
fo deep as they drink; for a hearty bowl prevents the fpi
ritual food of the day from lying heavy on the ftomach,
there being no better digefter of good doctrine, than good
liquor.
He is a compleat fcholar, that is evident, becaufé for
thefe many years he has given over all fludy. Sometimes
he pores upon a pack of cards, or fo, and makes learned
animadverfions on the hiftory of the four kings and the
knave of clubs.
Though he fpeaks much better English than Latin,
you'd take him for a downright Irishman by his counte-
nance, which is the choiceft looking-glafs in Chriflendom
for a country corydon to trim his phiz by.
He is neither faint mor apoftle, that he will own, but
his modefty cannot deny, but that his bare fhadow has
Some will
cured many a poor creature of the fimpre fhadow has
have it, that none now-a-days, but the fociety of Jefus,
are endowed with the knack of exorcifm, yet all muft al-
lew, that our proteftant hero is capable of out-facing the
devil at any time.
To lofe a pretenfion for want of affurance, he reckons
as fcandalous a blot upon his gown, as the lofs of a garri-
fon, for want of courage, would be to a red-coat. Old
Nick will never kidnap him, if he is to catch him blufhing.
He gapes after vacancies as early as a campaining whore
does for dead men's cloaths in a battle; and though to
human appearances, he looks to be a bulky heavy arfed
Chriftian, yet he is perpetually attempting to leap over
the heads of his brethren.
A SEX CHAPLAIN
35

Now, one would conclude him to be a high-flyer; land
the truth is, he never willingly fuffers any to fly above him,
paffive obedience in his own temporals, griping him worfe
than four wine or fmall beer.
pronesi dist
He hates your low-flyers as bad as Jews do fwines-flesh;
yet he is not fo ftiff for the towering party, as a Turk is
for the Alcoran. Rather than over fet himfelf, or be ob-
liged to throw any of his groats over-board in bad wea-
ther, he will fuffer two or three riefs of difcipline to be
taken in.dll a
He never fwears but in his cups, and then he does it with
fuch an air of authority, as fully befpeaks him to have the
plenipotentiary powers of an heavenly ambaffador.
Though he guides others to heaven by the plain failing
rules of the Gofpel, yet he thepes his own courfe by the
nicer rules of cafuiftical divinity. Hence it is, that he
fhall preach you in the morning about giving Cæfar his
due, and the fame night run commodities afhore for fale
without wronging the rule of the Cofpel; for Cæfar, he
Cries, wears no petticoats. 7911dowed bes
tei
In fine, he is the very reverfe of what he profeffes, and
there is as great a difference between the man and the priest,
as between the dutehefs upon the flage, and her behind
the fcenes. He is a downright paradox, greater than any
he ever learned at the univerfity; or, to fpeak all in a
word, he is the devil's grand temptation; for by his open-
ly finning under a fanctified habit, he openly burlefques
God Almighty.
bard to sleuf feder
siquo
Sa
Isa
THEgy 15th
MASTER OF A SHIP OF WAR,
fellow indeed, for he is no lefs than matter of two
veffels; but as he cannot man both, at once, he leaves
the weaker behind; for the is generally fo leaky, that the
feldom but keeps her pump going.
36
THE MASTER OF A SHIP OF WAR.

His ftation is the meridian altitude of the lower kind
of midshipmen. His mates make him the great planet
of their obfervation; when their exaltation is rifen thus
high, it is noon-day with them, and they look. no farther,
He is a feaman every bit of him, and can no more live
any while on dry land than a lobfter, and but for that he
is obliged fometimes to make a ftep afhore, to new-rig,
and to lay in a cargo of fresh peck and tickle, he cares not
though he never fee it.
Hence he becomes fo over-feafoned with everlasting
floating on falt-water, that all the land-pumps in Eng-
land cannot wafh off his brackifhnefs. At every turn,
you diſcover him by his phrafes, as apparently as you do
the fpots of the moon with a teleſcope. His language is
all heathen Greek to a cobler; and he cannot have fo
much as a tooth drawn afhore, without carrying his inter-
preter. It is the aftmost grinder aloft, on the ftarboard
quarter, will he cry to the all-wondering operator. b
He is fuller of crabbed terms than a Moorfield's con-
jurer, and bawls forth greater contradictions than a young
fophift at Cambridge. You will hear him a thouſand
times cry out, (thus, thus, it is very well thus) when the
wind is contrary; and he fhall be fure to bid the fteerf
man to come no nearer, when he is fartheft from his port ::
nay, if you'll hearken to him, he'll fwear you down, that
a fhip can never fail well, when her fails are in the wind.
Hence you are to take him by the rule of contraries; and
when he calls for a couple of hands, be affured he means
four.
Take him in a morning fafting, and he is as dry as an
old bifcuit; yet pour but a cann of flip down his bore, and
you may with eafe pump every thing out of him.
Though a flip-cann be his moft intimate companion, he
has a much greater veneration for a punch-bowl, which he
hugs and falutes far oftener than he does his doxy. He
efteems it his trufly friend, that is certain; for he never
fails to unload all its fecrets in its company; and, Lord!
what a learned difcourfe you fhall fometimes have betwixt
them.
For he fhall (to the wonder of ignorance) illuftrate, by

THE MASTER OF A SHIP OF WAR.
37
the mere affiftance of this little comrade, an hundred
pretty phænomenas, as plain as a pike-ftaff; he fhall de-
monftrate to you the horizon, the tropic, the hemifpheres,
the flux and reflux of the fea, and a great many more ad-
mirable knowables, all within the circle of a punch-bowl.
He has a mathematical brain, that is the truth on't;
for he will draw you from thence fuch
a number of fines,
tangents, and fecants, that you'd wonder how the devil
his fkull contained them all, without endangering his pe-
ricranium.
If he has made a trip to Jamaica, or fo, he fhall tell
you he has been among the Antipodes, and will give you
an undeniable proof of the reverfe pofition of their feet to
curs, by a loufe crawling round his hat-crown.
But his talk is molt upon the doctrine of the fpheres,
becauſe he believes it above your fphere to comprehend
him. Out he brings his Holland cheefe upon this fub
ject, and delineates you upon that perishable globe the
zodiac, the equinoxial, the ecliptic, the colures, azimuths,
and almicantors; and, in a word, every great and fmall
circle, from the very zenith to the nadir of mathematical
knowledge.
He fancies himfelf one of the firft magnitude in aftro-
nomy, becauſe he can run you over the conftellations as
glibly as the points of his compafs; and though he can-
not number tlie ftars, can call them all by their names,
yet he fhall fpeak as peremptorily about the milky way,
as if he had turned up there in the fhip (Argo) as fre-
quently as up our channel in a fhip of war.
One fo well acquainted with heaven can be no ftranger
to any corners upon earth, to be fure; and truly, if you'll
believe him, he has feen more in his days, than ever the
fun had curiofity to pry into; and fo liberal is he in his
cups, as to tell you all his travels without afking; but in
good faith, he that can have patience to hear him out,
may go trip with him all the world over; for he ufes fo
many trifling digreffions, fuch impertinent circumftances,
and fuch a confounded number of repetitions, that he fhall
be well nigh as long in recounting, as in making a voyage
to the Ganaries.
THE MASTER OF A SHIP OF WAR.

One might fufpect him to be a very pious fellow, for
no faint upon earth looks oftener to heaven-ward than he;
and yet, God knows, he has no more fanctity than a gip
fy in him.
He trufts much more to the fun for his guide, than to
the Creator of it, and makes ufe of the ftars to direct him
home, as drunkards do of link-boys; and is every now
and then learning his right way of Taurus, and fuch like
horned animals, as trangers do of fhop-keepers in London.
He is one that is abfolutely governed by the change of
the moon, and yet no Jew is more unalterable than he in
his opinions; but he often finds, that he can fhape his
courfe much better in his chart than on the ocean.
The captain trufts much more to him for a guide than
to the parfon; and he is not a little proud of it, infomuch
that though he will grant the Captain to be his fuperiors
yet he wears himself to be a man of much better reck-
oning.
His charge is very extenfive, for nothing aboard is to
be ſpent without his privacy; he is ordained the imperial
furveyor of all the fhip's provifions, and if he fare not very
well by it, he may thank his own honefty; but the purfer
has more cunning than to fuffer any nice fcruples to lie
unwashed off from his confcience.
He is as kind to him as a kidnapper is to a poor coun-
try cokes, and many times makes him fo giddy with good
liquor, that he shall not diftinguifh beer from hog-wash,
and poffibly, after a fair probation, fhall allow Sir→→→
to be warrantable victuals.
But his grand charge is not fo much the men's bellies,
as the fhip's carcafe, to keep her aloof from rocks, fands,
and lee-fhores; if he can but weather all thefe, he troubles
not his head about weathering the enemy.
His proper elements are wind and water; the other
two, of fire and metal, he leaves to thofe that love them:
Not but that he can fight, and that very heartily too, af-
ter a lufly fwig at the brandy-bottle; then enemy, or no
enemy in view, he will fight him, and fink him too; but
it is with the wind of his mouth only.
He'll often tell ye what a fprag he was in the days or
THE MASTER OF A SHIP OF WAR.
39

yore, and what a fatal thing the laft Dutch war had pro
ved, but for himſelf and a few. others. And truly if he
had done as he talks, he had rare cuckold's luck, for you
hall not find one fear about him.
But now the beft of his days are over, he'll tell you;
and befides, it is but an odd kind of a war (this with the
French) and he cannot fet cordially abbut it; for what
a thouſand pities it is to be at enmity with a country that
produces fo mnch good wine and brandy! qo
But as old as he is, he is commonly a fellow of much
quickfilver; and thence it comes, perhaps, that he fore-
tells winds and weather more precifely than the beft made
barometer in Grelham College. lgi edhe
His phiz is the beacon of all freth-water failors in bad
weather; they look much more to his fiery face than to
a light-houfe; he is their fure card at a dead lift, and
they trust to his conduct in all Channel courfes, as fully
as a blind man does to his dog in the streets of London.
The truth is, he knows our fea-coaft as well as a beggar
does his difh, and is acquainted with the nature and
depths of all foundings but that of his wife's water-courfe.
Now, all this put together, muft needs make him fol-
low his noſe with great boldness; fo that it is no wonder
if he is more confident of his way than a Yorkshire car
rier, and tells ye the bearings of Bow-Steeple from Tene
riffe, with more affurance than the other can from High!
gate.
But in good faith, he is many a time out in his ac-
counts, though he had rather run upon Scilly than own
it; but own it he muft, when he finds the land-fall not to
jump with his reckoning; and then he 1s as fullen as
a Rakehell-heir, when he fees his father outlive the pre-
diction of a twelve-penny conjurer.
The first lieutenant and he do often interfere in their
politics, and they are more intent upon each others varia-
tions, than on that of the compafs; and hence it comes,
that his pride often makes him with himſelf in a merchant
fhip; for there he is fure to be his own mafter. i aft
If ever he makes a trip by land, it is a wonder, and
there must be fome form a-gathering to be fure, when he
F
40
THE PURSER. T

bears up to the Admiralty-board; all beyond that place
is Terra incognita to him. bus iste osud boy
He is foon equipped for his journey, for he flows all
his baggage in his pockets; and as for boots and fpurs,
he can no more wear them than the bilbows. on and
But he must have his double jug, before he weighs,
that is certain, becauſe wetting his fails will make him
run the fafter; fo after a hearty go down to his boon
voyage, up he hoifts himself a trip upon his jig of a horfe,
and flicks as clofe
got crofs him with his thighs, as if he was
Being thus got priddy, with the reins riefed through
both hands, he ftreight hauls them aft like main fheets,
upon which the fteed makes ftern-way, to his no fmall
admiration.
doof
But refolving to try the jade by and large, he trims all
fharp, hawls oft upon one rein only, and cuts with his
legs and heels all weather; but inftead of running a-head,
about fhip goes the beaft, and toffes my gentleman over-
board.
But up
he fkips upon his legs, as manfully as a taylor
upon a fhop-board, and finding that a horfe will neither
anfwer the helm nor his expectations, he e'en orders hin
back to his moorings, and freight takes a birth in the
ftage-coach, which always makes her way as good as the
looks.
I
THE PURSER,
S a kind of Pythagoreau Philofopher, not becaufe of
his pocket-holes, for his breeches are commonly well
lined, and for his many tranfmigrations, having lived in
various regions, and rubbed through many callings before
he came to be a purfer in the navy: His laft metamorpho-
fis is generally from being a poor knave in the Fleet near
the Old-Bailey, to be a fubftantial gentleman in the Fleet
at Spithead.

THE PURSER.
He is the man can boaft that he never purchaſed his
preferment with money, for it was his want of it that got
him fhuffled into his poft, that he might clear off his debts
at the Sailors' cofts.de caged
If he chance to be a fharp fellow, that is, in the lane
guage of people that know no better (a very cunning
knave) he is fure to be mightily in the Captain's books,
and feldom fails rifing to be his privy-counſellor.
Whenever he and his commander meet in a friendly con-
junction, it portends the ruin of the common crew, more
infallibly than the conjunction of his wife with fome Wap
ping tar, does that of his reputation.
He and the hogs are fare never to want, for they take
the meat from other men's bellies; many a failor that had
a carcafe as burly as a captain's, falling into his clutches,
have been reduced to a horfe-man's weight, and under.
He is the most excellent Alchymift in Nature, for he
can tranfmute rotten peáfe, and mufty oat-meal, into pure
gold and silver, with very little expence in the operation;
for when, in a homeward bound voyage, the provifions are
grown as rotten as his carcafe, he gets his friend the Cap-
tain to put the whole crew to full allowance, though no
thinking creature, but his hogs, will devour it: Sheep as
fimple as they are, have fenfe enough to refufe it.
In him miracles are not ceafed, for he oft-times turns
water into wine, and wine into water, with one mere fiat
to his fteward; but all this is no great wonder in a man
who has to do with the devil.et
to
The King advanceth him the ready penny, to purchaſe
wine abroad for the fervice of the thip's company; but
they get but a forry fhare of it, and that adulterated into
the bargain; hence the poor fouls, to fupport nature, aré
obliged, by anticipation, to fpend their pay upon the very
wine that was affigned them at the price of fhip beer.
The worfer liquor he keeps, the more he brews his own
profit; he fhall draw more gain from wretched gripe-
gutt ftuff, in one forenoon, than a dozen ale-wives from
all their taps on a day of thanksgiving.
He is far from that laudable practice of courting his
customers with Sunday dinners, becauſe the lefs they drink,
he reckons himself obliged to them.
2
THE PURSER.

He allows falt flesh meat to be a damned tippling fcurvy
diet, and would fain have it changed to wholefome peafe
and burgoo, for the benefit of the failors; but in good faith,
it is only his own bags that will thrive by the project, he
getting more by one Bannian-day than many others.
It burns him to the very foul to fee one candle blaze
above ordinary, and oft makes him cry out in the words
of the collect, Lighten our darknefs, good Lord! Which
is the only prayer that he makes ufe of; and truly he
needs none, for all the fhip's company daily pray for him;
but they pray as they row, backwards. dr dan vidste.
One would think him of a very prepofterous conftitu-
tion, for he keeps his tallow beft in fummer, and melts it
down to nothing in winter feafons. He hates great fires
worse than great frofts, and wonders what the devil we
are made of aboard, that good punch cannot warm us e
nough without his charcoal, all beads H
Though his courage be as little as his honefty, yet he
fometimes prays for a warm brush, or fo, to help him to
fire-wood: for fighting cofts him nothing.coot
He is lodged fo far under water, that a bullet muſt be
fent by a particular providence, if it reach him. Thus,
while others battle it aloft, he fits as fnug as a bee in a
box, making his honey; for all thofe that drop in the
engagement, are fure to die his debtors.
d
He is as much alarmed in a torm as the Chaplain; and
though many will tell him, for his confolation, that he has
a hanged look, yet he ftill perfuades himfelf, that the de
vil can turn a man's destiny.
If ever he be good, it must be in plaguy bad weather;
and as all violent changes are fhort, his honefty and the
form blow over together.
1am
red vis
He whores with moderation for confcience fake, for a
found clap and a bad confcience never agree together;
fmall beer being the Doctor's receipt for the one, and a
bowl of punch for the other. 1 blade fore
His Steward and he often compare notes together, and
the bottom of their accounts jump as like as the devil is
to the collier. The truth is, were it not for this under
rogue, and his fuperiors, he would be a very y rich fellow

THE SURGEON.
43
but the poor flave is fo fqueezed on the one hand, and
the other, that he has but juft fubftance enough left to
fatisfy the ordinary lufts of nature; for Old Nick takes
care he buys no land with his money. babi
He is a rare fellow for giving a bad Captain a good
word; and prays as heartily for the continuance of eafy
heedlefs commanders, as Deal men do for ftorms and thick
weather; for an honeft officer will make him fo too, and
that alack! will be his ruin. Tu bazalno uto
Next to himself, there is no man living he has fo great
value for as the clerk of the check, whom he generally
calls his father; and well he may, for the knave is as
like bim, as a shop-lifter is like a thief.
-
He procaftinates his accounts with the Navy-board, juft
as he does with heaven; he refers all to his death-bed, and
then he thinks to bilk both the king and God Almighty i
but if ever he do, he will cheat the devil moft confound..
edly, and leave an everlasting confolation to all excifemen,
Lock-jobbers, and petty-foggers, who, after him, need ne-
ver fear going to heaven in a ftring.
I
THE SURGEON,
practice
S your old acquaintance the barber, that has stepped
fanguine operations.
The common crew call him the phyficioner of the thip;
that is to fay, the fcavenger that cleaneth away all the
dirt and naftinefs that lies in the channels of men's bodies,
and that proves offenfive to human nature. doing
He is generally reputed a man of letters, for Dr TT
and he, f.died both at the univerfity; but his practice
differs very much from that learned doctor's, for he loved
to keep men in everlaſting blindness.
To define him precifely, he is no downright Paracellian,,
Galenift, nor operator, but a hodg-podge of all together.
44
THE SURGEON.

He is no Digbean virtuofo, that is certain, for he knows
not how to fympathife with any man's wounds whatever.
If he has a fmattering in chemistry, he is a topping
fpark indeed, and gabbles about the intrails of nature like
any heathen philofopher: But of all his knowables, Alkali
and Acid he esteems to be the every ne plus ultra of phy-
fical diſcoveries.
The mystery of his art and ſcience confifts in a long lift
of fuftian words and phrafes, whofe true fenfe he is more
puzzled to lay, than to anatomife the body of a fat capon;
and as for his performance upon legs and arms, he does it
after a way, it is true; but betwixt you and me, the
ſlaughter-houſe on Tower-hill, would fcarce grant him
journeyman's wages.
He is too lazy and proud to vifit common failors; and
they are not fick enough he thinks, who are able to come
and tell him their ailments. And hence it is plain, that
he may with juftice boaft, that very few die under his hands,
which is as much as Ratcliff himſelf could pretend to.
The pooreft patients are fure to fare beft where he is,
becauſe he leaves them to nature, the lefs dangerous doc-
tor of the two. But an officer with a purfe, muft be ſure
to part with it, as a badger with his ftones, if ever he
hopes to bring off his carcafe.
He is unalterably convinced, that all our distempers pro-
ceed from an over repletion; and therefore his first inten-
tion in all cures, is, to empty your pockets; which ftrikes
at the very root of all intemperance.
ss be
He does not fo much lay claim to the learning, as the
title of a doctor; for he values himself moftly upon the
tender touches of his hand in operations. And truly,
thofe that try him, generally acknowledge his legerde-
main to be fingular, for he fhall conjure forth your gold,
without once touching the purfe-ftrings.net has
Sometimes his Captain being difabled by fome unlucky
fhot betwixt wind and water, repairs to him for a refit-
ment; but to his great misfortune he brings his maismaft
by the board, in laying him upon the careen; and then ten
to one but old Lucifer gets him for firewood foon after.
The Chaplain and he are oft chopping logick together
upon the quarter-deck, to the "
THE SURGEON.
45

ders; and though they differ like two Empyricks in their
opinions, they jump in this, they both thrive moft by our
vices: The old bawd befriending the one, as much as old
Nick does the other; experience teaching us every day,
that one pockey whore brings the furgeon more grift in,
than a thoufand French cannon.
Next to whores, punch is his best friend, that being an
approved fomenter of blood and wounds, which brings him
in many more crown-pieces than ever he had from his father.
His tools are of various forts and fizes, his best he al-
ways carries in his breeches; and the moft of theſe are of
filver, that is certain, for their is no probing a man well,
he thinks, with viler metal. He is as proud of theſe as a
Highlander is of a pair of bag-pipes, yet he is fomewhat
prouder of that long tool of his that hangs without board,
which, though purpofely forged for the deftructions of
Befh and blood, it does the leaft harm of any other.2
He feldom rails against any of his fraternity, for he
thinks it very imprudent to diffect the abilities of his bro-
ther; nay, he will frankly own every one but himſelf to
be the ſecond beft artift in the navy boot-sideb
s
His pots bear proportion to the fize of his fhop, which
is near the dimenfions of an over-grown fea cheft; but how
Imall foever his flock be, it is more than enough for his
practice, for he needs not a falve før every fore.
He adjuſts his prefcriptions as a country fhoemaker does
his lafts; he makes one and the fame receipt ferve to an
hundred various tempers and circumftances: For there is
no ftanding upon niceties, he cries, with fellows that have
the conftitution of a horfe.
He is not much guilty of feeling his own pulfe, or fol-
lowing the meaſures he preferibes to others. There is no
bolus to him comparable to a new laid egg, nor no julap
like a glass of true honeft claret; fo that if others made
no more ufe of his flink-pots than he does himself, he
might conferve all his medicines till dooma-day.
His bufinefs at home is nothing, for no prophet is ad-
mired in his own country: But he does wonders in Portugal
and Spain, for with catholick faith he can do any thing.
'Tis an infufferable bold intrufion for any to caft an eye
46
THE SURGEON.

into his compofitions; and yet he is fure to have an oar in
other mens concerns. You'd wonder to hear him fomes
times, for it is hard to tell whether he or à ftorm poffeffes
the ignorant moft with fear; fo diffident is he of the quar-
ter-deck's fufficiency in bad
Weather.
ded
He is oft and many a time teafing the poor mafler with
impertinent queries, and will be offering to rectify him in
fogs and bad weather. He determines where you are by
the temperature of the air, and is confident he can hit the
channel in an homeward-bound voyage as cafily as the
joint of a finger.
He is not very backward in propagating his fcience,
for a fimple pocky fwabber, he fhall, by due gradations
from the mystery of loblolly making, to that of a clyfter,
fwell him up to be a journeyman doctor, provided always,
that the fwab confign him over his wages for his labour.
Such as theſe are his hands to perform his medicinal
wonders with, thefe bring him the accounts of the fick
and their distempers, and wait his refponfes, which he
gives them freight in the turning of a pefle; not with
the double-faced ambiguity of the oracles of old, but hab
nab, and as boldly as if he had juft come himſelf from
fearching their intrails with a lighted candle.
He is equally proud of being thought a Medicus, and
an Atheist, and yet the fool feems to rely fomewhat above
his own providence; for he lives from hand to mouth,
and leaves the morrow to take care for itſelf.
Being very intimate with people's fecrets, he makes
very free with their tables too, and thinks no cordial is
comparable to an elemofinary dinner.
In the region he inhabits, he is pretty well fconced a-
gainft bullets, and all perils, but that of finking; and
truly ftorms and bad reckonings give him fometimes fuch
deadly apprehenfions, that you may even fmell them fome-
times to leeward of ye.
This infernal region of his, he calls the cock-pit; and
well he may, for there he has flain many a game-cock in
his time. 'Tis a bloody place, that is the truth on't,
and dark enough to hide all his mifcarriages.
Here the purfer and he fet up their horfes together,

THE GUNNER.
47
becaufe the latter he knows never wants provender; here
they carouze, to the deftruction of all mortified limbs and
empty bellies; and are too fuch faithful cronies, that
they never flinch, but fairly drop down by each other.
He trufts much to the continuance of the war, but
more to his own impudence, by the help of which, and
a twelvemonth's pay, you may chance to find him elevated
on a flage on Tower-hill, when the peace is concluded.
In fine, one would conclude him a rank knave, becaufe
none in the fhip, defire to have any dealings with him-;
but however he may be thought in his own days, pofte-
rity is infinitely beholden to him, being the chiefeft man
in his generation, that makes elbow-room for another.
*
THE GUNNER,
S commonly a fpawn of the Captain's own projection;
he was originally his foot-boy, and from thence, ftep
by Rep, mounted to be his fteward; in which ftation ha-
ving acquitted himself with fingular fmartnefs, his crea
tor rewarded him with this lazy office of a
this lazy office of a gunner, which
was the mark he always aimed at.
He commonly has as little occafion to exerciſe his art,
as he defires, and I dare fay, he defires never to have any;
not that gun-powder ftinks fo very abominable in his nol-
trils, rather he loves dearly to hear his guns fpeak, pro-
vided it be net against an enemy.
He loves the king's birth-day moft loyally, and wifheth
he had twenty every year; for thoſe are the lucky times,
when he cheats his Majefty molt zeatoully.
He commemorates gunpowder-treafon, with a treafon
upon gun-powder; for he defaults his guns fo exorbitant
ly, that a tar, after a hearty meal of peafe, fhall make e
bumb rattle a thanksgiving peal much louder than bis
cannons. But what is wanting in his guns, is made up
in his cups, which are fure to have full meafure,
C
78
THE GUNNER.

Hence it comes, that the longer practitioner he is, you
find him make the worfer fires, ftill coming fhorter of his
due length; and there is no getting him to mend his hand,
for fhould he give guns their due load, it would break
him.
If you'll credit his oath or teftimony, his captain mua
needs be a plaguy bloody fellow, for he is fure to make
him expend in his accounts more powder and ball in
every trifling cruize, than was blown away at the battle of
Hochftadt.
One would wonder why he, of all men, fhould want à
gold medal for his fervices; for he hufbands the king's
ftores to admiration, a thoufand times converting into fo-
lid gold, what his fiery fuperior had ordered to be turned
into nought but fmoak and thunder.
All fhips are alike to him, excepting channel-cruizers,
which are fuperlatively the beft for his purpofe, not be-
cauſe they must fight moft, but clean ofteneft; and every
time fhe docks, he is fure to fweep fifty pounds at leaft
into his pocket, befides his pay and prize-money.
Many a boat load of fmuggled ware has he popt forth
at his gun-room ports, while the rogue the tide-waiter,
voluntarily tricked into a game at all-fours, is at the
other end of the fhip, or is laid along upon fome cheft,
knocked down by an unmerciful bowl of punch or two.
As heavy as his guns are, they are certainly more active
than he is, and do the king fifty times more fervice; for
his grand amuſement is eating and drinking; his fleeps
are moderate enough, juft to fuffice nature, and make him
ready for a freſh attack: were it not for thefe, he would
be a loft man, for his mates do all his other buſineſs for
him.
Hence he has but very little to do, if he do honeftly;
but this is as impoffible with him, as to hit the moon
with cannon fhot. 'Tis uncomeatable mark, that is
certain, for he can no more abftain from futtling on
board, and running goods afhore, than he can refrain
from talking bawdy in modeft company.
No officer, but his captain, is accommodated like him,
he challengeth the gun-room as his hereditary eftate

THE CARPENTER.
49
where he ftruts about like any crow in a gutter; and it is
not for want of pride, but courage, if he allow any man
living the right band within his district.
His people as he calls them, obey him like flaves, and
yet every one befides himself muft call them gentlemen
gunners within his territories, where he is a little king in
his own conceit, and may pafs for a great one in the opi-
nion of others; for he makes more new lords and ladies
in one twelve-month, within his confines, than any one
prince in Christendom. oqdis ode
He ruleth by the fword, like any ufurper; nay, and fa
horrid a tyrant is he, as to keep it ever unfheathed, and
never lets it ruft, or lie dormant in a ſcabbard.
This is his fword of ftate, which never goes forth of
his dominions; but he wears another on shore, more by
the inftigations of his wife than his own heart; for he
has predetermined never to draw it in anger; it is no mat-
ter therefore what the blade is, fo the hilt be a good one;
and truly it is as good as filver can make it.
When he has this fwagging by his quarter, and his
bob-wig tied up behind like a horfe-tail, he is then a
gentleman all over in his own conceit; though heaven
knows, the vain fool is no more like one, than a barber's
pole is like a whipping-poft.
58
*****
Is
THE CARPENTER,
S a tool the Captain makes ufe of to cut the king's
timber to his own fervice.
Though he be generally but a rough hewn fellow, yet
he values himself upon a well-built hull; and as for his in-
tellects, they are much about the fame model with the
mafter's, for he has little more of the mathematicks than
the boatswain.
He is an honeft fubject, that is certain, for he is far
G 2
50
THE CARPENTER.

more careful about keeping the king's fhip tight than his
own fly-boat: and though he be but, as it were, one of
the lower-bends of a man of war, yet it is well known fhe
cannot fwim fafely without him.
His bufinefs lies mainly in unforefeen jobs, which are
always performed by his underlings; from whence one
may reafonably infer, that he is himfelf no workman; the
truth is, he is but a wooden artift at the best, and a tinker
may juftly take the wall of him, for he makes all his vef-
fels tight without either pitch or oakam.
i 52
His ftomach muft needs be sharper than his ax, for he
whets the one every morning duly; and the other perhaps
but once a quarter; no wonder then, if, the keenelt rids
the moft work, for he eats at a breakfaft more than will
counterpoife Lis whole day's labour.
d
How idle foever he be himself, he keeps fo ftrict a hand
over his crew, that he won't fuffer them to make one holi-
day; yet, in fpite of all his blufter, they will fometimes
(Oh, wonderful!) make half a dozen in one morning.
One would not fufpect him, by his phiz, for a politician,
and yet it is thought he employs as many tools in the
king's fervice, as both our ſtate fecretaries, and like a true
mafter of that fcience, he makes loggerheads to be of as
much ufe as blades of keener metal.
But what fhews him really to be fomething of a state-
fox, is, his fetting a value upon all his doings; for he ne-
ver lifts his hand to any work, but you are fure to hear
on't, being the most noify fellow living, in all his under-
takings.
He is the only fellow on board that profeffes to da
every thing by rule and meafure, and yet he has his flaws
as well as others: he can fpy out the faults in the ftruc-
ture of a boat, fooner than thofe of himself; and fhall bring
ye to rights a warped piece of plank, with far more faci
lity than his own crooked manners.
But after all, he has generally the leaft bundle of pride
of all the other officers, whereas one would think he
fhould have the moft of any, as being one of the mot
trufty timbers of the commonwealth; for without the car-
penter, the navy would fink, and carry down the king-
dom along with it.
THE CARPENTER.
54

You rarely hear him thunder and fwear like the boat
fwain, perhaps, becaufe he has far lefs occafion. He will
own himſelf to be a frail piece of workmanship, but he'll
tell you withal, that he would not be fo daringly impious
as fome on board are, for all the wood in Chatham,d
He knows the cube root perfectly well, but does not
pretend to gauging; and thence, perhaps, it comes, that
he is often out of meafure in his drinking; but yet most
people deem him a fober fellow, becaufe ftrong liquor ne-
ver overfets him.
He cannot but pity the furgeon's fimplicity, for calling
himfelf the ship's doctor, when all the world knows that
none but the carpenter looks to her wounds, and, cures all
her ailments: And truly he is a most admirable operator,
he will knit ye faft a broker rib in a morning falling, and
fix ye a couple of new knees, when the old ones are fhot
to the devil, and the fhip, the very next hour after, fhall
run ye as fast as ever; but what is the most ftrange of all
things, he will make her fwim from one end of the world
to the other, with her head as clean cut off as St Patrick's,
and without one grain of miracle in it. What puzzles him
moft, are fhots betwixt wind & water, which often prove
as fatal to the fhip, as a loft maidenhead to a virgin.
He is married, as well as his brother Warrants, that is
to be fure, and his honeft neighbours tell him, for his com-
fort, that he has got a good one; but he that meafures
every thing by inches, is fully convinced, that he is a
daughter of Eve, and that all women are chips of the
fame block.
He might pafs for a faint among the godly, that know
no better, becaufe he gives out to be always a-mending;
but his wife that knows him beft of any, will often tell
him the longer he lives he is the worfer man; and, alas!
how fhould it be otherwife; for he is not harder than cold
iron, and his hardest tools are the worfe for wearing.
Yet in good faith he is a knotty piece of timber, and
the more you foak him the tougher he grows, infomach,
that the fharpeft means then won't work him to any thing.
The days of fair weather are halcyon days to him; but
forms and tempefts put him upon double duty, having
52
THE BOATSWAIN.

both the king's fhip and his own foul to take care of; but
the last talk is foon whipped over, for a hearty ejaculation
or two, with a fhort breakfaft upon the crumbs of comfort,
well fettled down with a humming froke at the brandy
bottle, fortifies him in an infant against all weathers
In fine, he is one that in his own perfon has but little
more to do than the gunner; and provided the feafon be
not over ftormy, he may fing a quietefs to his bones all
the fummer. desdot
The only crofs he dreads moft, is a crofs-grained wind,
when at fea, for that runs him out in his cargo of belly-
timber; and then the Lord help him, for he fhall look as
dead as a fish deferted by the fea, and gape and yawn at
every turn, like an oyfter; but home he gets at laft, and
fo gives over dreaming at nights of flip and tobacco. #d

THE BOATSWAIN,
S a kind of Jack with a Box, for let him but while
once, and you have a hundred or more Cartefian pup-
pets, pop up upon deck, and run about, and treight dif-
appear again in an inftant.
It is not fo much his fine filver call, as the illuftrious
chain that it hangs by, that is the diftinguishing badge of
his poft, and which he is as proud of as my lord-mayor i
of his, and prouder.
is
But this is allowed him for ornament only, as you do
bells about the neck of a fore-horfe: His badge of power
is his bamboo, which, though tipped with fimple twine
thread, is venerated like the batton of a general; and
truly it does foldier-like execution, having mauled more
white coats then ever fell at the battle of Blenheim.
This fmall ftick of his, has wonderful virtues in it, and
feems little inferior to the rod of Mofes, of miraculous
memory; it has cured more of the feurvy, than the doc-
tor, and made many a poor cripple take up his bed and

THE
53
ATSWAIN
walk; fometimes it makes the lame to fkipi and run up
the fhrouds like a monkey; but what is most wonderful,
it makes heavy-ars'd fellows tumble up from below, con-
trary to the tendency of all heavy bodies, which tumble
downward.
He diftributes his drubs with the fame equity that the
captain does his favors; for when he calls for men from
below, and calls more than once, he is fure to beat the first
and readieft that comes up, whilft the fkulkers that lag
behind always fave their bacon.
But he is then most terrible in the captain's prefence ;
let Jove but fay the word, and ftraight he begins to exe-
cute his judgments, darting his rattan thunderbolt Alle
Volles, at the cafe-hardned fkulls of the quaking failors.
And yet this fame tool of his is but a mere fugar-candy-
fick, in comparifon to his cat of nine-tails. Cerberus is
not more dreadful to the dead, than this cat is to the liv-
ing; but indeed fhe is never loofe, but by order of the
commander, who many a time flashes a man out of the
fame itch of fancy, that he cats a woman.d
But were his call, flick, and cat tou, all thrown over-
board, he yet would diftinguifh himfelf by his throat, for
no afs in Chriftendom brays like himfelf, he varies his
notes to the occafion, and fometimes it is fo unaccounta-
bly terrible, that the poor fimple fort of tars will run from
it, like country dogs from the horn of a fowgelder.
But a thorough paced failor, makes a large allowance
between his tongue and his flick; oaths and horrid threats
are but wind, they cry, and they value no fuch puffs, if
they can but weather a beating.
'Tis that right-hand of his that gets him doubly more.
than what his fettled pay amount to; for almoft a third
of the fhip's crew are more or lefs in fee with him, making
their purfes compound for their heads and fhoulders.
The truth is, he is a terrible fcarecrow to all but thofe
that are in fee with him, and they feem to dread him
worfe than hell; for they will fometimes give each other
to the devil, but never are they once fo wicked in their
anger, as to wish the boatfwain may take him into his
clutches.
34
THE BOATSWAIN.

qo He is a damned thundering fellow, that is certain, and
often gives the purfer a fair pretext for his bad beer, al-
ledging, that the boatfwain fours it with his bellowing.
He is as noify about trifles as the lieutenant, and it
much beiter becomes him: He fhall roar forth death and
deftruction about the hoisting of a water-cafk, and makes
as much clamour about the dropping of a dog's turd, as
falling of a topmaft.
He may boat with Cæfar, that he can call every man
by his name, for he dignifies all his umbra's with the title
of dog, rogue, or rafcal; and they will anfwer to it more
readily, than if he gave them more chriftian epithets.
He has a thousand pretty phrafes and expreffions picked
up at Billingfgate, and elſewhere, which he never fends
abroad without bedecking them with all the embroidered
paths and curfes that can be had for love and money.
His drinking much flip makes him woundy fubject to
the vapours; vex him then, and he fhall fwell and fputter
like a roafted apple, and you can no more handle him,
than hot cockles.mo
He has wit in his liquor, that is certain, for though he
is often tipfy, it is at other mens coft. He loveth fruga-
lity like peafe-pudding, and hoards up his pence as a far-
mer does muck, to better his copyhold when the feafon
offers. Money, he tells you, will purchaſe better than a
winding tackle, and is able to hoift the heaviest dunce in
the fleet, to the topmaft head of preferment.ia
He is a great admirer of good cheer, and being a very
near neighbour to the cook-room, there is nothing of good
can come there, but he fmells it out immediately, and it
will go plaguy hard if he miſs a fnack of it.
He meafures his profperity by the dimenfions of his
corps, and his hopes of preferment fwell in proportion to
his belly. A burly carcafe he believes a grand qualifical
tion, and the beft recommender to a commiffion. A lean
body in a captain, he thinks, as ugly as a lean quarter in
a fheep; and he cannot comprehend that foolish faying,
(A tall man in a little body!)
He takes impudence to be a true token of inward cou-
rage, and faucinefs the proper right of a freeborn Eng-

THE BOATSWAIN.
5.5
lifhman; and it is much eafier breaking his head, than
breaking him of either."
He has pride enough to qualify him for a Captain, and
often perfuades himself he fhall be one, becauſe worfe
boatfwains than he have come to be fo before him.
He fancies himfelf the only beft failor in the fhip, and
would have you believe, that fhe had perifhed a hundred
times, had he been from her; not but that he will allow
his fuperiors on board to be tolerable good navigators, and
fo forth. But, alas! they want the main point; for
fhew me the gentleman, cries he, that can knot or fplice,
or make a pudding as it fhould be?
The plain truth is, he is a rare fellow in his way, and a
very. Bufby in all fea language; but rigging is his mafter-
piece; he fhall caft you a knot, whip-ftitch, in a twink-
ling, as intricate as the Gordian one; and for running a
noofe, Jack Ketch is but a fool to him.
He mortally hates your gentlemen volunteers; it is
barbarous, he cries, to have the bread thus picked from
our mouths by little Tom Eftenors; and wonders why
they'll be fuch blockheads to expofe themfelves to feas
and bullets, when they may fuck their paws at home in a
whole fkin.
He merits a like commendation with the wife fteward
in the gospel, and yet, after all, he will tell ye, he is as
honeft a man as any in the navy, difparagement to no
man.
Perufe his expence-books, and you'd wonder how the
devil the ſhip got fafe home; for he makes more expences
of ropes and canvas in one fummer's expedition, than a
whole Eaft-India fleet in two twelve months. But all
muit be right and juft, that is certain, for the captain has
fet his hand to the truth of it.
He muft certainly believe there can be no fuch thing
as hell-fire under falt water, elfe he would never be giving
himſelf fo often as he does to the devil; but how frequent-
ly foever he damns himfelf, he is fure to damn others
much oftener. In fhort, he is a fellow that will throw
away ten times more oaths and ftrokes in hoifting out a
barge, than in boarding an enemy.
H
56
A SEA COOK.

But z-ds, he'll cry,
ds, he'll cry, what would you have me do?
A man without noife, is a thing without a foul, and fit for
nothing but a piffing-pot. And yet, after all his fputter
and din, let him but once reach the mark he aims at, of
being boatfwain to a firt rate fhip, and he fhall ſtraight
give out, and become as lazy as an old penfioner.
HAS
A SEA COOK,

AS been an able fellow in the laft war, and had
been fo in this too, but for a fcurvy bullet at La
Hogue, that fhot away one of his limbs, and fo cut him
out for a fea-cook. But how difabled foever he be him-
felf, his mate is a rare ftick of wood for a furnace.
The captain's cook and he are oppofites, as well in
their practice as in their habitations, and feldom or never
make incurfions into each other's provinces.
His knowledge extends not to half a dozen dishes; but
he is fo pretty a fellow at what he undertakes, that the
bare fight of his cookery gives you a belly full.
He cooks by the hour-glafs, as the parfons preach fer-
mons; and will no more furpafs one puncto of time, than
a fcrupulous virtuofo in the concoction of his ftomach, or
an alchymift in the cooking of his grand elixir.
All his fcience is contained within the cover of a fea-
kettle. The compofing of a minced pie is metaphyficks
to him; and the roafting of a pig as puzzling as the
fquaring of a circle.
Not but that he has an admirable hand at fqueezing of
filver from beef-fat; which he does with as much dexteri-
ty as a quack does gold from a dog's turd; and though
the extraction be very grofs, it is yet fo well refined, that
it does not in the least fmell of the kettle.
He has fent the fellow a thousand times to the devil
that first invented lobfcoufe, but for that lewd way of
wafting greafe, he had grown as fat in purfe as a Portf

A SEA COOK.
57
mouth alderman, and made his fon feven years ago a
downright gentleman.
He is never fo hungry as to lick his own fingers, nor
fuch a fool as to wipe them on his breeches, but he ſweeps
off the lufcious ftuff as
butter, and firkens it up verly as a dairy-maid does her
as carefully.
The purfer, when at a low ebb for butter, helps out his
ftock by a dextrous mixture with the cook's ware; and
as for candles, he can never be in the dark, fo long as the
cook has any fat about hin, with which he makes lights
to lighten the Gentiles, to the glory of his faving inven-
tion.
Tho' falt water's the element that fupports him, yet
he can no more live without fire than a falamander: were
this once extinguifhed, Old Nick and he might return to
Terra Firma, and go a grazing for a fubfiftance.
He is an excellent mefs-mate for a bear, being the only
two-legged brute that lives by his own greafe; but tho'
he be no lean fcab, yet he's very rarel, purfy; and no
wonder, for there's near as much ftuff drops from his car-
cafe every day, as would tallow the fhip's bottom.
Moft people imagine him a very loufy animal, and yet
he is as little moleſted with that vermin as a dutchefs; for
that roving tribe being naturally, as foon as they can but
creep, inclined to travel, are ſure to meet with fuch fat en-
tertainment in the adjacent territories of his tattered ap-
parel, that, like prudent Caledonians, they never once re-
turn again to their native country.
Though he's born within the pale of the church, few
would think him a Chriftian, he's fo wholly given over to
the works of the devil; for Lucifer himfelf can never be
more busy than he every day in burning, boiling, and
broiling. The real truth is, any one would guefs him to
have been feven years apprentice to the prince of darkness;
for he is never without a pair of tormentors in his hand,
and the devil in his mouth; and his phiz fo everlaftingly
reeking with fweat and greafe, as if he was come piping
hot from Old Nick's kitchen.
If ever he prays it is in a morning fafting, and that is
to fome tag-rag, to fetch him a little fhip-beer, for 'his
H 2
58
A SEA COOK.

tongue and palate are fo parched as if he had been all
night bed-fellow with Dives Truly one fo eternally
toafting Before the fire, must be very crufty.
Though he wants cooling breezes the moſt of any, he
had rather have one bottle of brandy than a fhip-load of
Stamford air at any time. He fucks in fmoak like a
Virginia planter, and is every morning hanging his head
over the unctious fteams of the cauldron, as the wits at
Will's do over coffee; which circulating round his cra-
nium, limbecks out at his nofe again, to the great refreſh-
ment of his underſtanding.
Though he never wears gloves, his hands are as white
as his forehead, yet his chin is very often cleaner than
either, for he is fhaved once a moon to be fure, and then
his face looks like the lady Luna indeed, in her first quar
ter, the lower hemifphere of his phiz looking as bright as
a clean fcoured frying-pan, or the pofteriors of a fcalded
hog, or whiter. But as for the reft of him, he's all of a
piece; the very light of him is a breakfaſt to a hungry
foldier, and his fmell as good as affa fœtida to a girl in
fits of the mother.
In fine, he is fo everlaftingly encompaffed with ſmoak;
and his face fo caked over with foot, that
But hold,
ads death, the rogue, with his green billets, has raifed
fuch a funk in the fore-caftle, that the devil himfelf can-
not ftay to draw him longer; yet he that has ſeen the
one, may eafily know the other, when he meets him, Old
Nick and a fea cook being far more alike than a collier.
A MIDSHIPMAN,
S the firft-rate line in a fhip towards the top-maft-
head of preferment; for all admirals, as well as cap-
tains, are obliged to begin their rife here.
The quarter-deck is his ordinary ftation, which, in a
winter's night, he traverfes, hank for hank, a thoufand
A MIDSHIPMAN.
59

times over in a watch, without lofing one inch by leeway,
provided he be not overladen.s
'Tis hard to fay, upon a moderate gale, whether he or
the fhip go fafteft. When the bell once rings, his cruiſe
is over, and he comes to an anchor in Sot-bay, to re-
water.
As he has more grains of underflanding than a common
failor, he is allowed more pounds of cafh for it; and yet,
at the year's end, there is not a pin to choofe betwixt
their purfes; for he always lives up to the dignity of his
character.
He will have no familiarity with any liquor below flip,
and contemns every thing that's under linfey-woolfey. He
will have a whore of fashion, though he pay y for it, and
he's fure to pay for it indeed; for filk petticoats are not
to be had for the up-taking.
He enjoys more variety of females than the grand feig-
nior; for from Japan to Mexico is his feraglio; but ge-
nerally, after he has tried all things, he takes up at laft
with the old rule, and holds faft to that which is good;
and truly he rarely fails of being clinched to the beſt in
Christendom.
Though he be elevated in preferment, quarter-deck
height above a foremaft-man, yet, to balance accompts (as
all fublunary things are difpofed by weight and meaſure)
he's one half of his days depreffed under the other's feet,
being birthed in that infernal cell the Orlope, where he
that can choſe to live contentedly need never trouble his
head what lodgings are chalk'd out for him in the other
world.
He diftinguishes himfelf on a clear day, by carrying a
fore ftaff, which, though not the tenth part of a Tom
T -dman's pole, he is yet prouder of it. With this he
fancies he does wonders, when, God knows, it amounts to
no more but only to folve that fimple queftion, Where
are we? which every child in London can tell you.
Though he commonly paffes for a lewd fpark, yet he's
every now and then correcting his courfe. He muft needs
be a fellow of fure footing, for fo diffident is he of his
ways, that he won't truft his own eyes even at noon-day,
but when the fun fhines.
60
A MIDSHIPMAN.

But tho' he's beholden more to Sol than a quaker to
his inward light, he is yet fo ungrateful, ill-bred a pimp,
as conftantly to turn his arfe upon that glorious benefac-
tor then, when he most of all befriends him.
He's elevated as high as Flamstead in his own conceit,
and is oftentimes fhewing you a fample of his ingenuity,
He can prove the purfer a rogue by Gunter's fcale, and
compofe a bowl of punch by the rules of trigonometry.
There is no controverfy but he determines with fractions;
and is very often teaching common dunces the rules of
divifion at his own coft.
But he values himſelf moft upon keeping a judicious
account of the fhip's way. If his reckoning in a long
voyage jump with his land fall, he's as exalted a poor
rogue as that old mathematical conjurer, with his Oureke,
Oureke, and you may cut his ftones from him that mo-
ment without any perception.
But befides thefe labours of his pen and brain, he keeps
record of all accidents worth obfervation, and to be fure,
all his are weighty notices, when he entitles change of
wind and weather, remarkable occurrences.
He's weather-wife enough to foreſee winds and bad
weather, but is never fo wife as to lay up for a rainy day,
and hence it comes that he feldom has his coat cut to his
cloth, which occafions him oftentimes to go without a
pocket. But to rectify this want, which is his averfion,
he turns his furtout into a loufy jacket, which turns him
afore the maft directly, for to walk the quarter-deck in
quirpo is to walk against the rules of the navy.
He can no more be without chalk than an alewife, and,
like her too, is every day given to double dealing, for
every twelve he fhall count twenty-four, and impudently
fwear you down that it is no falfe reckoning.
He's one that fometimes paffes under the difcipline of
the cane or fift, that is, whenever he is guilty of that great
fin of omiffion, of not giving timely notice of the captain's
going from, or coming into the fhip. One or two rub.
bers for fuch a horrid negligence makes him ever after look
as fharp out to all boats, as conftables to the vizard-mafks
at the play-houſe.

THE CAPTAIN'S STEWARD.
61
His backward ftars, and bad weather, puts him often
upon curfing his ill made choice;
and yet his best friends
are apt to tell him, that if he had not tumbled into a fhip,
he had long ago dropt from the gallows.
The beft of this order is commonly the worst in the or-
der. Formerly he had not his fellow; and being tickled
on by the gentle fpur of ambition, performed many pret-
ty actions, and little works of fupererogation; till finding
at length, that kiffing went all by favour, he e'en paul'd
canftan, and turn'd a fociable fot, like the reft of his
brethren.
Is
THE CAPTAIN'S STEWARD,
S one that will grow as four as the very wine he fells,
to find himself placed at the fag end of a midshipman;
for he is fome inches above him in his own conceit.,
He values himfelf upon the reputation of being a fharp
fellow, and of turning every thing he fingers into gold.
He is a great virtuofo, that is certain, for he has been for
many years a clofe ftudent in both the univerſities of New-
gate and the Gatehoufe: and having at laft paffed his pro-
bation at the Old Bailey, was, (nemini contradicente,)
adjudged a qualified perfon for any of his Majefty's plan-
tations; but confidering the prefent juncture, and the
great need that Europe might have of him, he came to
have the navy affigned him for his portion. This is his
origin, which foon fprings to an envied grandeur; for the
captain ufually cafting his eye upon him, and perceiving
him, by I know not what private planetary marks, to be
an engine, formed as it were by providence, for his ufe,
immediately puts him upon probationary effays; and find-
ing him anfwer to a T all the lines of his phiz, he efta-
blishes him his fteward directly.
Having thus wriggled himfelf into his captain's good
graces, he endeavours to fix them, by following his leader
62
THE CAPTAIN'S STEWARD.

in all his paces; which he does fo exactly, that in lefs than
a twelvemonth he obtains that garland of praife, Like
mafter, like man.
Various are the parts his charge confifts of, but the
chiefeft branch is running of goods, and running of fail-
ors: for thefe, and other fuch like valuable fervices, the
king is made debtor to him midshipman's pay with a far-
ther promife of a purfer or gunner's warrant, if not a
commiffion.
But he's too ftaunch a knave to trust to vain hopes and
fair promifes; fo he takes care to make hay while the fun
fhines, and fhuffles and cuts with every one that has to do
with him.
He's indeed his captain's right-hand, wherewith he per-
forms all his flights, and can no more be without him, than
a bawdy-houfe without a pimp, or a fhip without a long-
boat.
He's a fmart fellow at common arithmetic, and [fhall
multiply ye pounds and fhillings, without fetting pen to
paper. He pretends to no fpherical problems, yet has
mathematical magic enough to raife himſelf above the
world, by the fingle rotation of a penny.
He has the beft and quickest draught of liquors of all
the other futtlers; for the tars like beft to fhelter them-
felves under the fhadow of his wings, becauſe they know
well that their captain's to be found at the bottom of his
accompts.
Though he drinks his mafter's health moft of any, he's
the readieft man living to make him fick with good fi-
quor. 'Tis a fortunate day indeed if he gets him dead
drunk; for then is the critical minute to nick him.
His mafter does oftentimes feel the rogue bite, and is
ready to ftab him for it; but he ftands ftill upon his
guard with that two-edged cutter, (I do by you as you
do by the king; and fo fhake hands, brother.)
He makes a great difference betwixt knaves & knaves;
a knave of fenfe is a man of repute, but a downright
knave is a rogue without any confideration. Hence it is,
that however he tricks his captain in other things, his
plate and dishes are every day forthcoming; for he's re-
folved never to be a rogue where he's fure to pay for it.
A SAILOR.
63

He would make an excellent tide-waiter to a custom-
houfe, for he has bubbled fo many of them himself, that
The captain's bell calls
him to usher in the apple-dumplins; fo let us e'en turn
about, and view honeft Jack the failor.
; but he's gone.
Is
A SAILOR,
S a fharp BLADE indeed, if kept whetted with good
diet; but bad ufage makes him as dull and ufelefs as
an old razor.
The better failor he is, he becomes the more lazy, and
fancies himfelf like a fhect-anchor, to be referved for def-
perate occafions; but his lazinefs does not fo much pro-
ceed from his difpofition, as his difguft; for he has been an
active pretty fellow, and would be ftill, were he but fairly
dealt with; but, a pox on't, cries he, the uſeful cur's
made
le to turn the fpit, whilft my lady's lap-dog runs away
with the roaft-meat.
He troubles not his head with old or new files, but
meafures his fpan of life by the moon ; and wonders at the
fimplicity of Partridge, and the reft of them, that ftint
our years only to twelve months. The king, God blefs
him; is the only almanack maker for his money, who ho-
nestly fretches them out to a baker's dozen.
His firft labour in a morning is to hawl ope his eye-
lids, for it cofts him many a rub with his paws, before he
can make his top lights to fhine clearly after this, and a
few hearty yawns, he crawls up upon deck, to the pifs-
dale, where, while he manages his whip-ftaff with one
hand, he fcratches his poop with the other; and gaping
all the while aloft at the vane, if he finds it blow fair, he
furls his brows, and curfes its inconftancy mofl heartily;
for there's no voyage to him like that of riding at anchor
wind bound.
He loves fhort voyages, as he does fhort prayers; and
it is hard to fav which of the two he makes ofteneft.
I
64
A SAILOR.

He had rather run upon the Goodwin than to Jamaica ;
and believes there is no crofs like the croffing the equi
noctial; for let the old fophifts dream as they pleaſe of
torrid zones, for his part he has always found there very
cold comfort.
And hence it is, perhaps, he creeps fo near the fun in
thofe regions; for he's fure to fleep maft high above his
wonted habitation.
He has a wife, that's certain, tho' he has the leaft oc-
cafion of any man living for one; for he has every thing
made a
and dreffed to his hand; and he that cannot be his
own laundrefs is no failor.
But marry he must, becaufe his fore-fathers did fo be-
fore him; and feldom does he mifs of an admirable breed.
er, for after the wedding-night, he may put up his tools
and be gone; for he fhall be fure to find her cackling,
tho' he come not home till three years after.
When falt water feparates them, they prove as good as
an annuity to the poft-office; for tho' fhe can write no
more than a mermaid, yet, by the help of fome two-pen-
ny fcribbler, fhe will always return him a Rowland for
his Oliver.
Their epiftles run all in the fame tone, Know one,
know all; and truly it is worth your while to read one
of them, which you may do without breaking up either
feals or fecrets; for it is the fame old fong of ftark love
and kindnefs, which they have piped to each other thefe
many years, and all locked up under a piece of black
pitch or rofin.
His whole truft is on the wind and fea, that are as in-
conftant and treacherous as a woman, and he knows it;
but what can a man do that is linked to all three by the
chain of deltiny; the best way is to look well out, he
cries; and truly he trufts juft to his wife's fmiles as he
would to a fmooth fea: he knows full well what a change
in both an hour can produce.
He can no more fleep in fheets than in a horfe-pond;
and put him into a feather-bed, he fhall fancy he's fink-
ing ftreight, and fall to fwimming all weathers; but fling
him up in a hammock, and he fhall lay a whole night as
dormant as Mahomet hanging betwixt two load-ftones.
A SAILOR.
65

If ever he is troubled with dreams, it is when he is re-
duced to very fhort allowance, and then truly he oft fan-
cies himſelf a mauling off the roaft meat in Smock-Alley;
till unluckily he bites his fingers thro' greedinefs, and
that wakes the poor flave, who is ready to weep, to find
his ftomach baulked fo confoundedly.tervent
His chief ftation is that hill of Parnaffus, the fore-
caftle; here he and his brother Jacks lie pelting each
other with fea wit, and tofs jets and oaths about as thick
and faft, as boys do fquibs on a coronation-day.
No man can have a greater contempt for death, for
every day he conftantly fhits upon his own grave, and
dreads a ftorm no more than he does a broken head, when
drunk. He has met fo many efcapes, that his mind is
grown as callous as his palms, and he dreams no more that
he fhall be drown'd, than be damn'd: and yet he may
meet with both, when he leaft thinks on't.
He looks then molt formidable, when others would ap-
pear most drooping; for fee him in bad weather, in his
fur-cap and whapping large watch-coat, and you'd fwear
the Czar was returned once more from Mufcovy; and yet
he's never in his true figure, but within a pitch'd jacket,
and then he is as invulnerable to a cudgel, as a hog in
armour.
Nothing makes him droop like an empty brandy-bot-
tle; whilft there's any thing in it, he fticks by't as clofe
as the load-ftone does to cold iron. Plenty of this, and
a Mediterranean fun, makes him as dry and huſkiſh in.
one famer, as a toafted biſcuit; to the great difcomfort
of his difappointed doxy: who finds him more faplefs
than a fqueezed lemon, and as unpalatable to her as
chop'd ftraw in Spain to an English mare.
Let him rife ever fo early, his ftomach is fure to rife
with him. His common breakfaft is a falt mouthful, a
dry dram, and a pipe of tobacco. Fortified with this in-
fernal recipe, he is as infenfible of our Northern blafts as
a gun, or a knighthead.
He is not fo nice as his fuperiors, who can drink no-
thing under right Nantz, or rum; he fhall gulp ye down
the rankeft ftinkibus with as good a gufto as a Teague
does ufquebaugh, and not be a doit the worfe for it.
I 2
66
A SAILOR

He is one that is the greatest prifoner, and the greateſt
rambler in Chriftendom: there is not a corner of the world
but he vifits, and yet the poor flave very rarely makes
one ftep beyond the fight of his old habitation: but when
he does get afhore, he pays it off with a vengeance; for
knowing his time to be but fhort, he crowds much in a lit-
tle room, and lives as faft as poffible.
His firft care is to truck fome old cumberſome coat or
other for a good warm lining to his belly; and then to be
fure his courage is up, and he must have a brush with fome
veffel of iniquity or other. He is fure to board the very
firft he fees and carries her ftraight, without expence of
fhot or powder; but unlucky Fortune, that fhould favor
the bold, leaves him in the lurch; for inftead of meeting
with a purchafe, he finds himself grappled to a fire-fhip,
who fets him into fuch a flame in a twinkling, that all the
water-gruel in the univerfe can't fave him,
He is fo often ufed to reeling at fea, that when he is
reeling drunk afhore, he takes it for granted to be a ſtorm
aboard, and falls to throwing every thing out at the win-
dows, to fave the veffel of a bawdy-houſe.
His furlow is commonly but a night or fo, and it is well
for him it is no longer, for he needs but a week to ſpend
a twelve-month's pay in reverfion. If he has a reverfion
clear of incumbrances, it is a wonder, and makes him think
upon pay day much oftner than the day of judgment..
But after long waiting, it comes at laft, and brings him
a whole hatful of money. If he be fober at that juncture,
he is damnably puzzled in contriving ways and mea how
to ſpend it; but if, as he commonly is, elevated with flip,
he fcorns to ſpend one thought upon the matter, but
freight, while it is yet warm in his cap, fairly fits down
to the cards or hazard, and generously throws it all away
before fun-fet.
If fortuner uns on his fide, he is not yet a tefter the better
for it; it is below him to pocket up gains, he cries, and
gallantly throws it about the deck like hail-fhot. In fine
while his Mammon lafts he is a mad fellow, and is every
now and then playing fome dog's trick or other, for which
he is foundly bit by a cat of nine tails; and yet ye
yet ye shall
A SAILOR
67

have him as proud of the wheels on his back, as a Holy
land pilgrim is of a Jerufalem print; fo that there is no
bringing him to his true temperatement again, but by fub-
joining the bilboes, with a week's dieting upon Adam's
ale and dry bifcuit. This effectually recovers him, and
makes him as fober as a bishop; which is a convincing
proof that water has far greater virtues than we imagine.
He constantly fhuts up the week with a debauch; for
he believes it is an unpardonable crime to neglect celebra-
ting his wife's memory on Sunday eve; and of his fins
omiffion, this is the only one that he is never guilty of;
for if he have money or credit, or but a rag to his buttocks,
he'll part with all to have a foaking-bout that night,
where he drinks to the memory of his concubine fo heart-
ily, that he quite drowns her in oblivion. It would be a
fhameful fcandal to go off mafter of his legs upon that oc-
cafion; fo down he drops at laft athwart fome greafy cheft,
and there he lies as dead as a door-nail, till raiſed to life
again next morning by the dreadful doomfday found of
the boatfwain: "Get up, all hands to prayers, and be
damn'd." Up he gets freight at this, yet with fuch
reluctancy, as if he was going to be damned indeed.
Thus, betwixt fleeping and waking, he crawls along to
the place of worship, where he drops upon his knees or
pofteriors, as Providence beft orders it, and falls moft de
voutly afleep again.
The fermon being fhut up, he opens his eyes, for he
awakes by a natural inftinct, whenfoever the boatfwain
pipes to dinner; away he marches with a better flomach
to his rufly pork, than to the beft fpiritual diet in Chrif
tendom.
36
If he fprinkles any grace over the platter, it is a plain
fymptom that his maw is out of order; which is a mif-
fortune that rarely befals him; but if he be in his ordina-
ry trim, he begins the attack without ceremony, and nei
ther afks for grace or mustard to his victuals.
He proportions his cut of meat to the fize of his plate,
and both this and that he champs down together. He is
as unacquainted with a fork as a tone-horfe; and while
he has a rag to his arfe, he fears to make ufe of a napkin;
68
A SAILOR,

but if his allowance be very fhort, he is fure to lick his
paws well before he wipes them on his breeches.
After his teeth are laid, he commemorates the beſt in
Christendom (meaning his wife to be fure) in mortifying
gripe-gut beer, and in a cann as big and nafty as a pifs-
barrel, and yet he takes as hearty a down-hawl as an old
bawd tugging at a large rummer of rhenifh and fugar.
He has fifty cunning ways of raifing a penny to his own
ruin, and all to purchaſe a little ftinking fpirits; which
yet he buys at double the price of right brandy, and fome-
times dearer. Thus, before he has compleated a fummer's
voyage, he has fwallowed down a twelvemonth's pay as
glibly as a juggler does a knife, without ever being a con-
juror for it.
He is a rare dog under an honeft commander, and will
fight everlaftingly, if he can but have juftice at the end of
his labours; but to receive all the knocks, and none of his
money, is the devil, and gripes him worſe than the purfer's
wine vinegar.
Though he is a very flout fellow, he's nothing of a fol-
dier (thanks to his negligent officers) he can no more an-
fwer to the right, or to the left, than a crab-loufe; but
bid him ſtarboard, or port, and he is as quick as an eel:
but no man can bring him to face about, fuch a stiff-necked
cur is he.
He loves his honor like roaft-beef, and is ready to spend
his blood upon any fair quarrelfome occafion. His hands
are feldom his own when he is drunk, and yet, they be-
come his bofom friends when he is fober, for he generally
carries them ftopped within his breaft or his pockets; not
fo much to keep his heart or his money clofe within board,
but out of a pure principle of not expofing his best friends,
they being the only two he has to trufl to.
It is hard to fay which he can box beft, his brother tar,
or his compafs; he is (in utroque magnus) that is cer-
tain, and has both of them at his finger ends.
But though he handles his hands the beft of any man,
he trufts molt to his head, like all other horned cattle, and
does manage
it with as much fkill and force, as any bull
r ram whatever. He values it moft for being bullet-
A SAILOR.
69

proof; and fhould it give way in flaving a butt head, he
would not deem it worth the wearing.
If ever he drown, it must be with good liquor: for he
fwims like a fish in falt water, and by much practifing in
hot countries, gets a fkin not much unlike a red herring.
If you find him with muftachio's, he is certainly a fize
above ordinary in his own conceit; aye, and is fancied fo
too by the women, who wifely infer, that a ftiff pair of
whiskers must needs fpring from fome fecret fiffening
caufe or other.
His thoughts reach not above the topmaft-head, and
he pretends not to penetrate beyond his eye-fight. He
has feen in his days more than enough to have made any
thinking creature wife and honeft; but this poor compo.
fition of beef and oatmeal views all things, as fheep do the
ftars, or a cart horfe what paffes in Cheapfide, without
any after-thought or reflection.org
If his breeding has been North of Yarmouth, he is
diftinguished with the title of Colier's Nag; and indeed
he is a rare horſe that will never fail you in bad weather,
being as infenfible to rain, cold, or thunder, as a cannon-
bullet. He is generally above the common fize of other
tars, in bulk, ftrength, and courage, which is mainly ow-
ing to his northern diet, which he thinks on with a heavy
heart, every time he fees a good coal fire.
He is a great admirer of North country beef and peafe-
pudding, yet allows Newcastle ale and falmon to be the
moft fuperlative diet in the univerfe.
He is a
Ile is as yare at the hand-lead in fhoal waters, as a
weaver at his fhuttle; and though he fhould feel himſelf
within half a foot of ruin, he'll fing ye forth his foundings
with as pleafant a note, as a thief fhall a pfalm at Tyburn.
In fine, for yard-arm, whip-ftaff, or towing of an anchor,
he is the beft of failors; but as to higher matters, he leaves
them to deep-read fcholars; for he has no more notion of
navigation, than an African of fnow, or a blind man of
colours.
His ufual ftay abroad is nine or twelve months, at his
return, he looks like a martyr newly rifen from a falivation
tub, and has not courage enough to fend in poft-hafte for
his wife from Wapping; yet the first thing he meets with

70
A SAILOR.
is a letter from her, congratulating his fortunate arrival,
in a great meafure owing to her ardent endeavours, and
affuring him that the has not had one belly-full of fatif-
faction in his abfence.
The
next thing he meets with, is his pinch-gut money,
which he turns into provender immediately, for he hates
to be a debtor to his belly. This with a little credit afhore,
brings him in gelt again and then he must go to London,
though he lofe his pay for his labour.
Here he becomes the primum mobile of all hurley-bur-
lies, and the terror of the Spitalfields weavers. No mufic
houfe but has his prefence; but of all things, Hockley-in-
the-hole is the hole for his money; next to this is a pub-
lic cavalcade, where he makes a hellish pother, and throws
away his hat among the dirty crowd, out of pure ecftafy.
Thus he lives, till he can live no longer thus, and then off
he puts to fea again, to fish for more filver.
In fine, take this fame blunt fea animal, by an large, in
his tar jacket, and wide-kneed trowfers, and you'll find
him of more intrific value to the nation, than the moft
fluttering beaux in it; and yet he is infinitely fhort of
what he has been in the days of yore, when partiality and
felf intereft were lefs in fafhion.
Our fhips of war are undifputably the best in the world,
and fo might the failors be too, for all depends upon the
MERIT and HONESTY of the commander, who models every
thing as he pleafes, and if he valued the intereft of his
country above an ill-got eftate, he might in one twelve-
month make a man of war the moft beneficial, auguft, and
delightful habitation in the world.
Whereas this admirable moving fortrefs erected to main-
tain the honor, and fecure the grandeur of our glorious
Illand, is, by the fupine negligence of fome, and indirect
practifes of others, grown almoft a burthen to the ftate,
by becoming a kind of peft-houfe to the moft ftrong, ac-
tive, and uſeful part of the people, who much oftner fall
by home than foreign enemies.
FINIS.
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
3 9015 03946 3867
2107
NYC JAN
JAN 2015
BINI DING USE ONLY