STORAGE
Nipy
ADVENTURES
828
A245
904
of a
VICE-PRESIDENT
STRAT
C
HENRICH
With Special Introduction to
THE ROUGH WRITERS
By OPIE READ

ཇ ས ན་ ་
IT TOOK FOUR MULES
TO DRAG THE BEAR. Page 209

ADVENTURES
OE A
VICE-PRESIDENT
A Fable of Our Own Times.
With a Special Introduction to
THE ROUGH WRITERS
by
OPIE READ
lustrations by
HENRICH
THOMPSON & THOMAS.
CHICAGO.

828
A 245
1984
Copyright 100
by
TOS. H. DEVEREAUX
Chicago

Ben Leb
2-26-45
CONTENTS
CHAPTER
I Making Acquaintances
PAGE
9
II A Tip on the Hold-up Trust
20
III The Woman with the Hatchet.
39
IV Capturing a Preacher
50
V The Rough Writers
61
VI Five Lions at One Shot
74
•
VII An Ancient Cave Dweiler
93
VIII An Old Maids Convention
103
IX Kidnapped
117
X Held for Ransom
139
XI Riding the Bear
162
XII Lost Again
176
XIII Like a Fairy Tale
194
XIV The Battle Royal
202
38 DE# 40 A


LIST OF
ILLUSTRATIONS
It took four mules to drag the bear. Frontispiece
Please accept him with my compliments
PAGE
17
Shook the exact change out of their pockets
28
You fail to wait for me if you dare
46
With his back to the fire warming himself
70
A large lion leaped directly at us.
118
Pulled hard on Sir Billy's ears
171
Nothing of note happened during the night
181
He let the bear grab him
206


INTRODUCING
THE ROUGH-WRITER.
"I wish you'd introduce me to that man
talkin' over there," said a Kentuckian at
a barbecue.
"You met him yesterday: Why do
you want to be introduced to him again?"
"Well,-you see he's a candidate and
it's well to be introduced to him as often
as possible for you never can tell what
he may do to you. He's jest as apt to
tote a bottle as not, you know."
Perception needs not be razor edged to
3

cut the thin veil which may have for its
province the hiding of the hero herein.
Any man intelligent enough to read could
but be sagacious enough to know.
The Rough Writer chose his hero not
from the twilight but from the noon-tide.
And while the book is in some sort a
satire, it is the satire of admiration. An
active man is the typification of a hasten-
ing trend of life, of a bounding civiliza-
tion; the civilization of America, having
outstripped all of its models and having
passed the adventurous out-posts of its
most speculative survey, has made trum-
pet of a great party to call upon the man
of quick and fearless action to continue
as representative American.
This fable, as any one who reads it

must understand, was written before
the management of a nation's affairs had
fallen upon the hero. Then, as a vice-
president, he represented the humor of
the administration. He would have done
this had he been a man even of gravity.
But he had not followed Tom Corwin's
advice to his son, to-"Be as solemn as
an ass;" he was a hunter, and being a
hunter, found adventure. For some men
who have borne the name of "statesmen"
it has been quite an adventure should
they get up in time to see the sun rise.
By dull and circle-treading minds it
has been supposed that the main duty of
a statesman consisted in reading statistics
and then looking tired while sitting for
the photographer.
5

The Rough Writer's hero overturns
this theory. He comes forth an active
man, impatient of sloth, brave, humor.
ous, literary, a thinker. But with all, a
jumping muscle and an eye delighted to
dart along the barrel of a rifle. I am
inclined to believe almost everything
written in good humor about a man, but
there are a few incidents in this story that
put a sort of crimp in my credulity. Now
I believe Baron-what's his name?-No
matter, I believe him. I wouldn't go into
a justice's court and swear to it, still I
am convinced of the truth of it. But
some how some of the adventures set
forth by the Rough Writers seem just a
trifle enthusiastic.
OPIE READ.
6

ADVENTURES
OF A
VICE-PRESIDENT


S
CHAPTER I.
MAKING ACQUAINTANCES.
EVERAL years ago I was detailed
on a hunt for adventure. The
superintendent of the agency could
not exactly tell me what my duties were,
except that I was to go along, make close
observations, and to submit a report upon
my return, doubtless for the guidance of
future Vice-Presidents, and my report
must therefore make up in truth for what
it frequently lacks in incident.
Equipped with a repeating rifle and as
much lead as I could carry, I joined the
Rough Writers at a little tavern in Michi-
gan. It was not necessary to send up my
card, and I went forthwith up the stairs,
having been told by the landlord to listen
in order to locate the men's quarters, as
the rooms were not numbered.
9

ADVENTURES OF A
About the time I reached the head of
the stairs I heard a violent thump and felt
the house shaking. Then there followed
furious scuffling and a tremendous jar.
These manifestations of identity led me
down to the end of the hall, where I
rapped on a door, and, after a short
silence within, during which I heard hard
breathing, I was told to come in. I did
so, and there stood two men of great size
and muscular build, both panting. After
a quick shaking of hands Theodore said:
"Glad to see you. But just excuse me
for a few moments, please. No, you
needn't leave the room. And, in the
meantime, shake hands with Lip Beck.
He has come down from a logging camp
to give me a few falls, and has just been
accommodating me."
Beck gave a sickly grin, and, looking
at him closer I saw that he was somewhat
dilapidated. I have seen a good deal of
wrestling in my time, but as a general
thing it has been slow, a strain on both
10

VICE PRESIDENT
sides, with little action; but now I saw
something as full of pictures as a dance in
a vitascope. The wrestler was one of the
finest specimens of manhood I ever saw,
and he was surprisingly active, his enor-
mous bulk in no wise hampering him. He
was trained to a fine degree, and I found
out not long afterward that he was the ter-
ror of all the camps. But these accomplish-
ments and this prestige availed him noth-
ing. I couldn't see how it was done, it
was so sudden, but Theodore pivoted him
on his hip, spun him around with an
upward tendency and jumped from under
him. Lip turned in mid air for a violent
whirl or two, and then came down upon
his shoulders, his legs tangling even
after he had struck. After a time he was
all on the floor, where he lay without
motion.
"I'm afraid you have killed him," said
I, in some alarm.
A bright smile lighted the great man's
face. "Let us hope not," replied Theodore.
11

ADVENTURES OF A
"Let us hope not, for the country can't
afford to lose good men, and Lip is a
leader. See, he is coming round."
Lip got up, and in a dazed way began
to look around for his hat. He found it,
on, and said: "Well, guess I'll be
put it on,
goin'."
"Don't be in a hurry," says Theodore.
"You've got all day before you."
"Yes, I know, but I got to see a doc-
tor, I guess."
"Oh, in that case don't let me detain
you. By the way, if you can wait till
you get there, call on Dr. Mix, five miles
out. He is an accommodating man, and
helped me out not long ago when I felt
lonesome and low-spirited. Although
not much of a boxer, he stood up before
me for two rounds, just to please. I
told him I wouldn't forget his kindness,
and I'd like to throw trade his way. But
if you can't wait, you can't, so that's all
12

VICE .
PRESIDENT
there is to it. But hold on a moment,
Lip. I want to thank you for your sup-
port. I"
"That's all right. I couldn't vote agin
you."
"Oh, I don't mean that sort of sup-
port. Voting is all well enough, but I
mean for your support on this occasion.
-coming here and cheering me when
you must have known that I was de
pressed. Well, good-bye."
When the logger was gone Theodore
smiled upon me, and I asked him, with
some uneasiness, if I were expected to
take Lip's place. "Oh, no," he replied,
encouragingly. "You are simply to go
along in the capacity of detective."
"But not to ward off danger, for that
is what you are looking for," said I. "It
must be for something else."
Theodore smiled again, and said: "In
all avocations a man is placed at a de-
13

ADVENTURES OF A
cided advantage if he be accompanied
by a trained mind-I don't mean the
mind that has been brushed and dusted
by books, but the mind sharpened by
observation; in short, I thought that pos-
sibly you might, in your trained shrewd-
ness, discover new combative pleasures,
new tests and sensations for the spirit
of adventure. The fact is, this tour
of adventure is to be a profound se-
cret-
99
"And you want me to keep the re-
porters off. Is that it?"
The dark shadow of disappointment
fell upon his face. "I see that you don't
understand your business," said he.
"This is a secret, of course, but I want
you to see that the reporters do get on
to it-without my knowledge. That is
one feature of your duties. But the main
one is that, instead of keeping me out
of danger, you must stealthily run me
into it."
14

VICE - PRESIDENT
"I understand."
"Thank you. I begin to take hope.
Let us go out for a walk."
We walked out from the hotel. When
some distance away, and after a long
silence, Theodore said: "I have many
pleasant memories of the campaign. It
was a glorious epoch in our history. But,
do you know, I have been sad since it
was over? There was so much of life
about it."
"I can well believe you must be, and
I am here to do my best to help you
out."
"Good.
But would you mind step-
ping off there about ten feet and shying
a stone at me by way of reminiscence?"
I stepped off, grabbled about, found
a ten-ounce bowlder and threw it at him.
He dacked in a dignified way, and said,
"Thanks." The village was unusually
quiet, considering who was in town, and
15

ADVENTURES OF A
I said something about it, when all of a
sudden there was a loud cry of "Mad
dog!" The few villagers in the street
took to their heels, and I was about to
scamper, for I am never at ease when a
mad dog is near, but Theodore quietly
remarked: "Don't be in a hurry. The
dog evidently doesn't know that I am
here."
"And he ain't likely to care, even if he
should know," I replied, feeling a chill
creep up my back; and a moment later
I believe that I should have run like a
deer, for here came the mad dog with
his tongue hanging out like a strip of
red flannel; but Theodore touched me
and all fear was gone in an instant. Still,
I took the precaution to step behind
Theodore. The dog made a lunge,
and, in a dignified manner, full of
self-respect and reserved strength,
Theodore caught him about the neck
16

"PLEASE ACCEPT HIM WITH
MY COMPLIMENTS." Page 17


VICE PRESIDENT
with both hands, and, without the
apparent strain of a muscle, choked
him till his tongue lolled limp, then
bowed to the Mayor, held forth the
lifeless brute, and said: "Please accept
him, with my compliments."
It struck me that our adventures were
beginning ahead of time, but Theodore
said we might expect them at any mo-
ment. "Some men are born lucky and
some are born adventurous," said he,
with a modest smile that I shall never
forget.
Upon returning to the hotel we found
the place in a stir and a fright over
the carryings on of the cook, an enor-
mous negro, who had come to the
World's Fair as an East Indian lizard
eater. Though of a gentle disposition,
it seems that he had suddenly gone daft
-at all events, he held a carving knife
in his hand, had a Swede girl penned up
17

ADVENTURES OF A
in a corner, and was threatening her life.
The terrified boarders were shrinking
about, not knowing what moment he
would turn upon them. "What's up,"
said Teddy, pushing his way to the front.
"Here, fellow, drop that knife."
"Kiougi kang ki ki!" exclaimed the
madman, making a swipe at Ted. The
landlady shrieked, and the local minister,
who had dropped in to take dinner, be-
gan to mutter something that sounded
like a prayer.
"Kuc mick ju ju!" exclaimed the liz-
ard eater, preparing for another swipe.
"Oh!" cried the landlady. "Such lan-
guage and in my house. Brother Peters,
who would have thought that I should
have lived to hear this?"
All this time Ted stood with his eyes
fixed upon the lunatic, who, I noticed,
had begun to tremble and to weaken.
"Drop that knife!"
18

VICE PRESIDENT
"Hick, gi, gi!"
"Mercy!" groaned the landlord's wife.
Ted quietly looked at his watch. "I
am not in the habit of encountering
crazy men," said he, "but unless you re-
cover your reason and hand me that
knife within two minutes I will stuff your
carcass with wheat straw and present it
to the hook and ladder company."
There was a gleam of reason in the
eye of the lizard eater. His knees shook,
but, with a grace that surprised us all,
he bowed, handed the knife to Ted, and,
in the softest tones, remarked to the
landlady: "Shall I have chicken or a
roast for dinner?"
TO

ADVENTURES OF A
CHAPTER II
A TIP ON THE HOLDUP TRUST
T
HE next day we put our traps on
the train, and had seated ourselves
when in came Siler, the great ref-
eree. Ted grasped him by the hand,
with more feeling than I had ever seen
him show, and cried out: "Siler, I am
delighted to see you. Where are you
going?"
"Oh, I heard you were here, and I just
thought I'd have a chat with you. Wrest-
lin' much now, Ted?"
"Not much, Siler. I have had only
a few falls lately, Siler."
20

VICE -
PRESIDENT
"You are a great man, Ted. There
ain't none like you."
"Thank you, Siler."
"And, by the way, Ted, I hear that
you have dropped into another line of
sport."
"What's that, Siler?"
"Why, I hear you've turned book-
maker."
"No; that's a mistake, Siler. I have
never done anything of that sort. Who
told you?"
"I heard it from some of the boys.
And they said you was particularly
backin' a horse named Crampwell, or
somethin' of the sort."
Then Ted laughed. "Oh, I under-
stand," said he. "I wrote a book-the
life of Cromwell."
"Wrote a book! How did you find
time? But I guess a man has to idle and
loaf once in a while to keep himself in
21

ADVENTURES OF A
trim. It's that way with me.
So I
guess you got it up while you was restin'.
But where are you goin' now?"
"Out West to look for sport."
"I didn't think anythin' was goin' on
out there. Hadn't heard of a thing. Who
arranged it? Is it a wrestle or a fight?"
"Oh, I am going out to kill things-
lions and such."
"I don't want to offer advice, Ted, but
if I was you I would quit cruelty and
stick to the legitimate. I like a good
fight as well as the next man, but I don't
want to see anythin' hurt. What are you
goin' to kill lions for? Are they doin'
any particular harm? Why don't you
kill welshers?
nobody."
Them lions don't hurt
"You don't understand, Siler. But
you aren't an educated man, and it is not
expected that you should understand."
"I ain't a statesman, that's a fact. But
22

VICE @
PRESIDENT
do all great statesmen go about to kill
things?"
"Yes, the really great ones."
"Did Lincoln kill things?"
"Well, Lincoln was different. In his
day there were important matters be-
fore the public-something to engage
his mind; but now there is practically
nothing to circulate a man's blood."
"Why didn't you go to the Philip-
pines, if you must shoot?"
"Well, there are several reasons-one
is that I want sure game. I used to be
a pretty fair sprinter, but the Filipinos
are too swift for me."
I was glad when Siler left us, for there
is nothing I dislike more than an argu-
ment. He is a good fellow, and all that,
but he has been so long identified with
the prize ring that he, as Ted well re-
marked, does not understand the real
affairs of life. It seems that as the world
23

ADVENTURES OF A
grows older man stands more and more
in need of higher education. Even the
detectives have begun to understand
this, and particularly so the boys who
read detective stories, for otherwise how
could they write their experiences when
abducted? One abducted boy that can
write like the author of a detective story
is worth three abducted boys that can-
not. We have recently been given an
example of this, and nothing that I can
say is needed to make it stronger. And
look how much better a wife a woman
makes if she has had the advantages of
higher education! Look how much
more she is in demand, and observe how
much better speech she can make at a
club. Do you suppose a lot of hard-
working, ignorant women could have
talked, hour after hour, as the women
of a certain club did not long ago, trying
to wipe out the color line? I
guess not.
24

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
Why, after a while a girl who doesn't cut
up live things, and study the jointed
snakes in water, and smile upon diseases
that she has confined in a bottle-a girl
who is unacquainted with such things
may marry for love, but not for money.
Men are getting so that they demand
value received when they marry. While
these reflections were running through
my mind a man came along and, halting
in front of Teddy, who for a few minutes
had been quiet (having nothing to oc-
cupy his attention), looked at him critic-
ally for a few moments, and then said:
"I beg your pardon, sir, but you look
like a thinking man."
99
"You are off," says Ted. "Wake up
some other passenger."
"Ah, I see you are a thinking man,
and are modestly trying to hide it," and
with that he flirted out a small-size news-
paper. "Look at that and say that you
25

ADVENTURES OF A
have gazed upon the product of the
greatest mind of the century," says he,
his lip quivering with emotion. Ted
took the paper and says: "Why, this is
the Commoner published by my old
friend, Mr. Bryan."
The stranger's face lighted up at this.
"Is he an old friend of yours, sir?"
"He is, and no mistake.'
"Then you are a friend of mine, no
matter what your name may be. But
I am more than a friend of his. I helped
him to start this paper, and I am now
out canvassing for it."
"You didn't do half as much to bring
it out as I did," says Teddy.
"Really, you interest me. But, pray,
sir, what did you do to help bring it out?"
"I traveled all over the country mak-
ing speeches," says Ted.
The man grasped him warmly by the
hand. "Then, sir, you have done a pub-
26

VICE •
PRESIDENT
lic good.
Horace Greeley started his
paper with not more than five hundred
circulation; but, sir, you helped to start
one that had fifty thousand from the
jump."
Just at this moment a noise at the
other end of the train attracted our at-
tention. "You'll have to pay your fare
or get off," exclaimed the conductor.
Two burly fellows swore that they
wouldn't, and the conductor, a smallish
man, wiped his red brow, for he didn't
know what to do under the circum-
stances. Notwithstanding the spread of
higher education, there are men abroad
who are still steeped in darkest igno-
rance. By this time Teddy was out of his
seat, walking toward the men. He did
not falter that is never a feature of his
programme. He walked up, demanded
the name of the station to which they
were going, and thereupon seized them,
27

ADVENTURES OF A
shook the exact change out of their
pockets, told the conductor to help him-
self, and returned to resume his pleasant
conversation with the canvasser.
But he
was gone.
And now, overcome by drowsiness for
lack of something to do, Theodore dozed
off to sleep, leaving me to my own ob-
servations and reflections, and I couldn't
help overhearing a conversation between
two men who had just got on. They
were in the next seat forward. From
what I could judge, they were hold-up
men of Chicago, who had been off on a
vacation.
"I am glad that work is so brisk in
town," said one of them.
"Yes," replied the other, "but the
divvy is too big. The police in my divi-
sion are very exacting."
"In mine, too, but they say they have
to be, to make it all right higher up."
28

SHOOK THE EXACT CHANGE
OUT OF THEIR POCKETS.
HENRIGH
Page 28


VICE.
PRESIDENT
"I got a letter from my sub the other
day and he told me they wanted half."
"That's too much. I don't mind giv-
ing a third, but a half-" and he shook
his head.
"I understand," said the first speaker,
"that the police are talking of organiz-
ing a hold-up trust, and if they do we
ought to be in on the ground floor."
"Looks so to me.
the trade long enough.
duffers just behind?"
We have been in
Who are them
"I guess one of them is an English
Lord and the other his valet."
"They must have dough. Suppose
we try 'em when the train stops for
supper?"
The other one agreed, and I closed my
eyes just as he looked around, and from
that time on I felt that I was watched;
for, being a detective, I have many intui-
tions unknown to the average man. I
29

ADVENTURES OF A
wanted to tell Theodore of our danger,
but could not. They were villainous-
looking ducks, and I knew that they
would cut our throats in a minute. Just
then the train reached the supper station
and Ted woke up. "I have had a charm-
ing nap," says he. "I dreamed that some
fellows had me tied to a stake out in
Kansas and were going to burn me."
He hastened out and I followed as fast
as I could, with a view of telling him of
his danger, but I
d not overtake him
until he was in the dining-room; in fact,
he was seated and ready to eat when I
reached the table. Fortunately, the two
hold-up men sat at a table some distance
off, so I had a chance to talk, but with
extreme caution, for they were watching
me. "Theodore," says I, "don't look
round, but just over there are two men
who have determined to rob us. They
think you an English Lord and me your
valet."
30

VICE •
PRESIDENT
"A gross insult to you," said he, tear-
ing a piece of steak with his marvelous
teeth. "Anybody ought to know that
you are a detective. But I will deal with
them."
"That's all very well, but they are not
to be dealt with in the ordinary way. I
know you are more than able to take
care of yourself, but these fellows could
knock you over in a jiffy, have your valu-
ables and be off to the woods before
any-
thing could be done. I live in Chicago,
and I know they belong to a privileged
and a pampered class, and you must
understand that it is hard to break
through the lines of long-established
prerogative."
"Who are they-aldermen?"
"Not exactly that, but men who some-
times make it possible for the saloons
of aldermen to exist. They are hold-up
men."
31

ADVENTURES OF A
"I told you not to warn me of an ap
proaching danger, and now here you go,
turning the edge of pleasure. Leave
them to me."
I finished my supper in silence, some-
what nettled at the way in which he had
received my warning. It was not my de-
sire to intrude myself upon him to the
extent of dulling an enjoyment; I wanted
to see him have all the fun possible, but
fun can be carried too far. And besides,
the life of even a great man should not.
be given up wholly to sport. There are
occasions when even a statesman ought
to be serious, or at least considerate. By
this time the keeper of the eating-house
came up, and, seeing that Theodore must
be a distinguished man, said to him: "I
hope, sir, that you have enjoyed your
supper."
"That I have," says Theodore. "This
steak has given me plenty to do." He
32

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
then got up, shook hands with the
proprietor, and with
never a look
about him, started for the door,
with the intention, I thought, of
getting back to the train; but he
halted just outside the door, I at
his heels, and said to me: "Step on
off there. I am going to wait for our
friends." I knew that argument was use-
less, so I obeyed, just in time, too, for.
the men were coming, and as they
stepped out he seized them each by the
collar and brought their heads together
with a bump. There are some things that
even hold-up men cannot stand, no mat-
ter in how fine a state of training they
may be. And these two men simply col-
lapsed and lay upon the ground, when
Theodore turned them loose. I thought
that he had killed them, and he must
have thought so, too, for he called for
a night. The conductor came running
33

ADVENTURES OF A
·
over with his lantern, held it down, and
revealed the fact that they were barely
alive. "Victims of the great American
habit of rushing to and from meals," said
Theodore. "They bumped into each
other. But, fortunately, I heard them
say that they were not going any farther
on your train, so we might as well pull
out." By this time the men began to
recover, and as the train was behind time
the conductor waited for us to satisfy our
curiosity. The men came round after
a while, and, as Theodore had predicted,
did not resume passage on the train.
That man's intuition is marvelous.
We were now running at a high rate
of speed toward the land of real adven-
ture, with nothing to disturb the calm-
ness of our thought, save a red-haired
boy of about four years of age. He be-
gan to bawl for something which his
mother had refused to give him, and
34

VICE PRESIDENT
after she gave it to him he continued to
bawl. Pretty soon Theodore's eye fell
upon the boy, and the youngster was
silent in an instant, stopping on a half
note, with his mouth open.
"Hush that," said Theodore.
"Yes, sir, if you please," says the
boy.
"Why do you howl, anyway?" says
Theodore.
"Because, kind sir, I didn't know any
better; but I am wiser now."
"What is your name?"
"Alonzo P. Juniperberry, sir."
"What are you going to do when you
grow up?"
"I am going to make speeches and kill
bears."
"Madam," says Theodore, speaking to
the boy's mother, "you have a marvel-
ously intelligent and promising son."
"La," she says, "I never knew it be-
35

ADVENTURES OF A
fore. But who are you that you should
have such influence over him?"
I saw a laugh dancing in Theodore's
eye, first on one foot and then on the
other. "Madam," says he, "I am Carter
Harrison."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Harrison.
And where do you live?"
"I used to live in Chicago, but since
my own administration began, I merely
stay there."
"I don't quite understand."
"Madam," says Theodore with a pro-
found bow, "permit me to enlighten you;
-I am the mayor of the town."
"Oh, mayor. And what are your du-
ties?"
"I have none, Madam."
"Then what is it you do?"
"Nothing," says Theodore, with an-
other profound bow. "Of course this is
a humorous exaggeration, Madam,"
36

VICE B
PRESIDENT
Theodore says, seeing that the woman
was greatly astonished. "I am some-
times kept very busy, hiring men not to
clean the streets."
"And is it very difficult?"
"Madam, to one as well versed in poli-
tics as I am, it is dead easy."
"I am really very glad to have met
you, sir, not for the information you
have given me but for the miracle you
have wrought on my dear child. Do
you know that he is a very undutiful son?
He has no respect for any one, and he
threw a brick at me just before we left
home. What ought I to do with him?
And he is so dishonest, too. He has no
regard for the rights of property. What
ought I to do?"
"Send him to Chicago and let him be
a constable, and when he improves his
disrespect for law and property he might
become a justice of the peace."
37

ADVENTURES OF A
"Oh, sir, you give me such encourage-
ment. Well, we get off here. Good-
bye."
The woman and the boy got off, and
Theodore and I turned in for the night.

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
CHAPTER III
THE WOMAN WITH THE HATCHET
T
HE next morning we awoke out
upon the broad fields of Kansas.
Theodore was fresh and of a rosy
hue, showing that he had slept well, with
no traces of the previous day's adven-
tures left upon him. I spoke about it as
we met in the smoking compartment to
put on our collars and cuffs. "Adven-
tures," says Theodore. "You mean
trifling dissipations. No; they never
hurt me.
I have a remarkable constitu-
tion, you know. Ah," he went on as he
looked out, "we are coming to the land
of real fun. Look at that jack rabbit.
39

ADVENTURES OF A
I feel like getting out and having a romp
with him. But seriously, I must now
give over trifles and get down to earnest
and business-like sport. No more
pranks for me now, pretending to be one
man when all the nation knows that I
am another. But some of man's keenest
pleasures come to him when his identity
is hidden. The dignity of a name ob-
structs free communication, and to dis-
cover human nature in all its phases
ought to be the aim of every really great
Sometimes we pick up by the
road-side a piece of wisdom that we could
not find in the halls of state. Mr. Cleve-
land-and I regard him as really a great
man-was wont, at troublous times, to
go forth and learn from guides and boat-
men; and but for his jug and his gun I
do not believe that he ever could have
settled so many vexatious questions.
Once he said to me, 'Theodore,' says
man.
40

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
he, 'there is more good council in about
five fingers of old rye than in ten heads
of old men.' But we have had great men
who were not of this opinion. Now
there was Radford B. Hayes"-"Ruther-
ford," I suggested, proud to be of any
assistance to him.
"Was it? I believe you are right, and
by the way, I wish to take this oppor-
tunity to compliment you, for I see that
you are to be of assistance to me. Yes,
it was Rutherford-and he did not be-
lieve in the jug. Consequently his
administration was fraught with many
mistakes, the institution of the civil ser-
vice system being one of them. Good
cheer was banished from the White
House, and foreign ambassadors were,
compelled after a function to go home
sober and complaining."
"But you don't drink to speak of,"
says I.
41

ADVENTURES OF A
"No, that's a fact. I do not advocate
drinking, but I do advocate the spirit of
liberality that makes men drink. In or-
der to be really great, you must under-
stand those little metaphysical differ-
ences."
"Theodore, we are here alone, and
therefore I can speak freely with you,
can't I?"
He gave me a smile which the fact that
I mention it proves that I have not for-
gotten. "Yes, thank you," I went on,
taking my privilege for granted. "And
now there is something that I wish to
ask you.
You know that as a rule a vice-
president is not put up by a convention
as a candidate for president." Theodore
was not surprised at this. He merely
nodded and I proceeded: "Then how do
you expect ever to be president?"
He answered without hesitation.
"The average man put up for vice-presi
42

VICE PRESIDENT
dent shows weakness before the end
of his term and, of course, is not men-
tioned for the higher place. He stag-
nates in obscurity-presiding over
body of men distinguished as the dull
obstructionists of the more vigorous
house. In this dignity he foreshadows
his approaching death. He is rusted
with sedentary importance-stilted inac-
tivity. And by the time for another cam-
paign, some one asks: 'Who is that harm-
less-looking old gentleman?' Now it is
my aim to reverse this order. In all
walks of life there has been a return to
romance, both in fiction and in politics.
We like to read of kings and princes more
than we ever did our households are
set in a flutter over the picture of a royal
petticoat. In this country we cannot
have anything approaching royalty, but
our rulers can imitate the kings of a
former age-we can hunt and thereby
43

ADVENTURES OF A
challenge a romantic respect and estab-
lish ourselves firmly in the public mind.
We know of a prince who had done little
to endear himself to the people of his
realm until he shot a buffalo that some
cow-boys held for him. Of course his
people thought that the animal came at
him red eyed."
"Theodore," said I, "your argument
is profound. They have a diner hooked
Let us go back to breakfast."
on.
The waiter
This man might be a shedder of blood,
I mused as we were at breakfast, but he
is also a shedder of wisdom.
came up and with insolence showed that
he expected a tip, but Theodore gave
him one glance, and he at once subsided
into decency and respect. "How won-
derful is man," I mused. I had heard
this before, but not until recently had I
seen it set forth with all the colors of the
rainbow. Theodore asked several ques-
44

VICE. PRESIDENT
tions and the waiter answered them, and
he did not even slosh the water-bottle at
me, but put it down in front of me with
stupefied consideration. A baggage man
came through and having looked at
Theodore, did not shake his brass checks
in my face. Surely the world was under-
going a great change.
There was yet a long and tiresome ride
before us,
and I could see that Theodore
was beginning to grow restless, when a
woman got aboard. That was nothing
extraordinary, but this woman had an
axe. She wore short hair and a hard
and determined glitter in her eye. Theo-
dore was at once interested. "Chopping
wood for a living?" he asked.
And she gave him a look that made
him dodge. "Attend to your own affairs.
and I'll attend to mine," she snapped.
"Good," cried Theodore, straighten-
ing up and bracing himself. He gave
45

ADVENTURES OF A
her a look and a smile, but she wasn't
fazed. She set her lips and looked at
him.
"Who be you?" says she.
"Merely a man traveling for his
Theodore,
health," says
cowed, I thought.
somewhat
"Then travel on and keep your mouth
shut," says she.
Just at this moment the train stopped
at a small town. The woman looked
out, snatched up her axe and got off.
"You fail to wait for me if you dare," she
says to the conductor, and he waited
with lamb-like patience. The woman
crossed a street and boldly walked into
a saloon. Then came a hoarse cry, fol-
lowed by the terrific smashing of things.
Out came, rolling, a barrel of liquor.
The woman caught up with it, knocked
it in the head, and quietly got on the
train.
46

儿
​"YOU FAIL TO WAIT FOR MB
IF YOU DARE."
Page 46
-སཿ" *
C


VICE PRESIDENT
"You seem to be a pretty busy
woman," says Theodore, as she sat down
near us. "I am," says she, and then sig-
naled to the conductor that he might go
ahead. After the train was under way,
Theodore spoke to her again:
"Granddaughter of John Brown, I
presume."
"Yes, you do presume.
mouth.
Shut your
Theodore didn't like this very much,
and he began to twist about on his seat.
If she had been a man or an animal he
would have known how to deal with her,
but being a problem which even five fin-
gers of old rye could not have solved, he
sat mute in her presence. After a while
she spoke: "Haven't you got anything
to do but to travel about-you?"
"I beg your pardon, Madam, I am not
traveling for my health," says Theodore,
taking water. "I am on business."
47

ADVENTURES OF A
"Then why did you want to lie about
it? Haven't you got any better sense
than to lie to me!"
"I beg your pardon, Madam. Ah,
but may I ask what your specialty is,"
says Theodore, growing bolder.
"I am as you have just seen, in the
saloon business," she says, tightening
her lips.
"Pretty good business?" says Theo-
dore.
"Very," she says, looking out the win-
dow for another liquor joint as the train
stopped. There was none, however,
and she did not stir, but sat quietly nurs-
ing her axe.
"Any children?" says Theodore, notic-
ing her affectionate manner.
"Any what!" she snapped.
"Children-little ones at home?"
"Children, little ones," she repeated
with contempt. "What do I want with
48

VICE PRESIDENT
brats. I have a better mission than rais-
ing kids."
"What brand of whisky do you prefer
to smash?" says Theodore, gradually
getting himself in better hand.
"It makes no difference to me so long
as it's liquor."
"I suppose now and then you tap a
keg of beer, or give an exhibition of a
brandy smash?"
"It don't make any difference to me-
I smash anything."
We were now approaching another
town and the woman got up, with her
axe firmly grasped in her hand. When
she got off there was a slamming of
doors and a scurrying in every direction,
and just as the train started we heard the
ringing crash of glass. And thus we got
through the day, and as night closed in,
with myriads of stars in the rarefied sky,
Theodore said that the time had not
been heavy.
49

ADVENTURES OF A
CHAPTER IV
CAPTURING A PREACHER
NⓇ
OW at last we were in sight of
the great mountains. "Prehis-
toric upheavals of eternal adven-
ture," says Theodore, nodding his head
in approval at them. "There's nothing
stale about those hills, at least there is
nothing flat," he added with a smile that
lives with me yet. "And here we drop
the dull affairs of family life, such as we
have been compelled to endure lately,
and take up true adventure. I can stand
a good deal of the tedium of existence,
but after all, I have nerves, and dullness
wears on me. And I am fond of the
50

VICE .
PRESIDENT
society of vivacious ladies, but that
woman we met on the train yesterday
soon palled on me."
We were to get off at the next stop,
a small town in the foot-hills, and
although the coming of Theodore had
been kept reasonably quiet, yet we knew
that we should be met by a goodly num-
ber of admirers. But on getting off,
the demonstration was different from
what we expected. The town was in a
great uproar, and apparently not on our
account. In fact, a moment's investiga-
tion was enough to settle the truth that
we had nothing to do with it. A fero-
cious madman, confined for shipment on
the train, had broken loose and was at
large. He had been prominent in the
silver craze, and was one of the most
highly respected citizens of the place, but
he went daft, and it was a matter of self-
protection to confine him until the next
51

ADVENTURES OF A
presidential election. Thus much of his
history we were able to learn in a few
moments. In fact we learned more.
That morning after his escape he had
committed all sorts of depredations.
Knocking the station agent endwise, he
ran across a strip of prairie to the house
of the local banker, made himself master
of the yard, bit the clothesline in two,
kicked in the ribs of a harmless calf, bit
a hemp-haired servant girl on the top of
her head, ran round to the rear of the
house and kicked high into the air a pan
of mackerel that the banker's wife had
put to soak on the steps. All this was
likely to attract attention enough, but he
did not stop here. Just over the fence
lived the leading merchant of the place,
and in his house the Ladies' Library
Association had gathered to discuss the
question of whether or not certain nov-
els written by young women were to be
52

VICE -
PRESIDENT
admitted. Mrs. Callington W. Botts
was speaking, in clear and distinct tones,
when the madman appeared at the door.
"No reporters are wanted here," said
the hostess, seizing the madman and
drawing him into the room.
"I want you to note the attitude I
take," cried the speaker, "but I defy you
to print it in your paper."
A light of insane joy illumined the face
of the daft. He seized a Filipino bat-
tle axe (brought from Luzon by J. V.
Patfitzric, suttler) swung it around, and
with a distressing but it must be admitted
a tuneful whang, brought it down upon
the installment piano. The scene
changed from one of literary progress,
where experience counted for so much,
to one of physical astonishment and
fright, where experience counted for
nothing. Just at this moment the serv-
ant girl entered with a broad tray of red
53

ADVENTURES OF A
and yellow refreshments. The terrified
company fled at the sound of the whang,
but the stupid girl, thinking that the
madman was giving some sort of piano
recital, stood mutely waiting for him to
taste her ware. He had been on the
flattened outside of politics so often that
kicking was his Prince Albert-I mean
his long suit-and with his toe under
the tray he plastered the red and yellow
stuff on the ceiling. The girl picked up
the tray and stupidly walked out to get
another load, but the madman did not
wait for her return. Out of an Oriental
jar he grabbed an armful of golf sticks,
ran into the yard and amused himself by
throwing them at the fleeing members
of the library association, giving hefty
Mrs. Potgilder an awful thump as she was
poised on the fence, unable to get off.
By this time the city authorities were
after him, but armed with a golf stick,
54

VICE PRESIDENT
he swept them from his pathway and pur-
sued his destructive course.
And now,
just as we got off the train, he was at
large somewhere down the road. Natu-
rally the helpless populace turned to
Theodore for assistance, and I saw him
smile. "Be of good cheer," said he to the
mayor, and immediately set off down
the road. "It seems that I am to be be-
set with lunatics," said he to me, as we
walked along briskly together. I hadn't
forgotten the lizard eater, but he had
only a knife while this chap had a golf
stick. Years ago I was scalped while
playing shinny, and ever since then I
have trembled in mortal dread at the
sight of a crooked stick, but I concealed
my fear from Theodore. He is all nerve
and can't understand why any man
should dread any sort of weapon. Well,
we had gone some distance when we saw
a man coming toward us, with a golf
55

ADVENTURES OF A
stick in his hand. I drew back, but
Theodore bade me not to be afraid, and
his command-for it was a command
more than a bidding-his command took
some of the scare out of me as it always
does; still, I was nervous.
"I will pre-
tend that I am going to pass him and
then leap on him unawares," says Theo-
dore. I had provided a rope, and Theo-
dore told me to have it handy. "And
have your handkerchief ready to gag
him," says he. "Nothing can yell
louder than a madman thwarted, and I
don't want any noise."
The man came along at a brisk pace.
He was
a stalwart fellow, taller and
broader than Theodore. And knowing
that madmen are for a time gifted with
an almost superhuman strength, I con-
fess that I was not altogether easy as to
the outcome of the struggle. And strug-
gle it was. The madman evidently sus
56

VICE •
PRESIDENT
pected nothing. His mind must have
been wandering, for he was humming a
tune, but I did not see any music in his
eye as he raised it in a quick glance.
The next moment he was in the bear-
like embrace of our hero. He howled
and strove with his great strength to
free himself-but Theodore tripped him,
and tied him while he still yelled. And
then we gagged him. Then began the
triumphant march back to the town.
The people saw us coming and many of
them ran to meet us-among them the
president of the library association whose
feminine instincts suggested to her that
she should have first revenge for the yel-
low and red stuff still dripping from her
ceiling. But when she reached us, she
threw up her hands and gave a loud cry.
"Mercy on us!" she shrieked, "this is the
Rev. Mr. Solomon Brown." And so in-
deed it proved to be. He was on his
57

ADVENTURES OF A
way to town to play golf with the young
ladies of the Simpering Society. We
stood dumfounded, not knowing what
to say, but Theodore, who is never long
at a loss for a word or a mode of proced-
ure, remarked, when the minister had
been liberated: "Sir, I fear that some mis-
take has been made here."
"So it appears, sir," replied the min-
ister, trying to smile, but failing. Ah,
it takes Theodore to smile at anything.
"I was under the belief, sir, that I was
doing the public a good turn," says
Theodore.
"Sir," says the preacher, "it is not do-
ing the public a good turn when you
muzzle the pulpit."
"I agree with you there, sir," says
Theodore, "but let us put it down as one
of the mistakes of the clergy."
"Sir, I have made no mistake. It is
you who fell into error."
58

VICE PRESIDENT
"Sir," says Theodore, "I think you
invited error, as the pulpit often does.
You came along with a golf stick when
it was known that dementia had as-
sumed that staff. The men of old car-
ried the shepherd's crook, and flocks fol-
lowed them; but you have taken up a
fadish stick to follow a foolish flock."
"Sir, I feel your rebuke." Hereupon
there was a murmur of applause, show-
ing that Theodore had scored one on the
ho-li man. Then followed good-hu-
mored hand shaking, and the kind-
hearted clergyman extended to us his
forgiveness if not his congratulations.
He told Theodore that he hoped he
would make a wise and considerate ruler.
"I did not know it," says he, "but I am
glad to meet you."
Theodore gave him a choice smile
from a well-selected collection, and all
On our way to town we
was serene.
59

ADVENTURES OF A
were met by the civic societies, and par-
ticularly by the young ladies of the Sim-
pering Society, who saluted us with their
sticks. The minister, who had aban-
doned his club as a result of Theodore's
rebuke, bowed his head with never a
word.
That afternoon, while we were having
our accoutrements put in order, we at-
tended a reception given in the parlors
whence the library association had been
expelled, and the girl brought in red and
yellow stuff; and so given was she to the
force of habit that, going up to Theo-
dore, she held out the tray and meekly
said: "Do you wish to kick, sir?"
The firemen and the venerable associa-
tion of Pikespeakers would have kept us
up all night, but we retired early to bed,
thrilled with the prospect of true sport
so close at hand.
60

VICE PRESIDENT
T
CHAPTER V
THE ROUGH WRITERS
HERE had been a skift of snow
during the night, but the day
dawned without a cloud. Down
the stairs came bounding Theodore,
younger by five years than he had been
yesterday. We knew that there would
be some sort of demonstration on the
street when we went forth, and there
was the blowing of horns and the beat-
ing of tin pans as our procession moved
along. Our cavalcade consisted of Theo-
dore, myself and three pack mules loaded
with ammunition. Just outside the
town we were joined by a score of news-
61

ADVENTURES OF A
paper correspondents, "Rough Writ-
ers," as Theodore termed them. And
now we all began our ascent of the foot-
hills. At a little place, the last vestige
of civilization-Sock Heel, I believe they
call it we were overtaken by Skin
Bluke, a well known bear hunter.
meeting between him and Theodore was
warm almost to emotionalism. Theo-
dore and he had been together at a time
that tried men's souls-and their bodies,
too-for cutting wire fences.
The
"I'm glad to see you, and that's no
joke," says Theodore, suiting his lan-
guage to the occasion, ever ready to ad-
just himself to the highest or the lowest
form of society.
"It's a pipe when I say I'm glad to see
you," says Skin, who during his varied
life had lived in the city.
"Have you had any sport lately?" says
Theodore.
62

VICE -
PRESIDENT
"Very little," says Skin, in choice lan-
guage. "But things hain't been alto-
gether dull for the boys. They had one
burning not long ago and may have
another soon, now they've got their hand
in."
"Beautiful day," says Theodore, turn-
ing the subject, for he has to overlook
the barbaric pleasures of some of his
friends.
"Couldn't be better," says Skin, with a
poetic expression of countenance.
"How much ammunition have you?" he
says, again becoming practical.
"About four tons," says Theodore.
"Think that will answer?"
"On a pinch," says Skin, shrewdly
looking round at the mules.
"Old Sir Billy is still alive and at large,
I reckon?" says Theodore.
"As live as a kitten."
My curiosity being aroused, I asked
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ADVENTURES OF A
to be informed as to the person referred
to, and first by one and then by the
other I was enlightened to this effect:
Many years ago an enormous grizzly
bear announced his appearance by kill-
ing three hunters and scaring a fourth
into an epilepsy that had defied the skill
of all physicians. Shortly afterward the
same bear went to a camp supply store,
killed the proprietor, snatched an arm
off a harmless bystander, ate all the
sugar on the place, and turned over the
house. Later, he attacked an ore-bear-
ing mule train, killed the driver, broke
the necks of all the mules and scattered
the ore at his humorous pleasure. Bands
of men were organized by the state to kill
him; they were drilled and accoutered
as if going to war, and indeed they were.
Billy met the first detachment in a nar
row defile. Some say he hurled great
bowlders at them, others, more modest,
64

VICE PRESIDENT
declare that he simply used the weapons
supplied by nature; but be that as it may
or as it was, the detachment was almost
wholly destroyed. Other engagements
were fought, always with the same result,
until the state grew tired. Since then
men did not look for Sir Billy, but re-
garded themselves as fortunate when
they succeeded in keeping out of his
way.
Considering the lead that had been
pumped into him, it was now estimated
that he would weigh in the neighbor-
hood of four thousand pounds. Skin
swore that he could not be killed by
man. Old man Heffner had suddenly
come upon him. He had no weapon
but his pick-axe; but this he wielded
with fierce determination, knowing his
antagonist at sight. It seems that Sir
Billy was stupid, having just woke up,
thereby giving Heffner the first blow.
65

ADVENTURES OF A
And it was no light one.
He swung the
bear's back.
pick-axe and brought it down on the
Sir Billy sniffed and sat
down to scratch himself. The fact is
that the point of the pick-axe entered a
lump of lead and was not felt. Heffner
owes his escape to some sort of miracle.
He felt himself tumbling down the ra-
vine, and when he reached the bottom he
looked up, having fallen in a bed of soft
snow, and saw the bear looking down at
him, with the pick-axe still sticking in his
back. The old man could not afford to
lose his implement of daily labor-he
knew that it was exempt from seizure
by the law, and so he shouted: "Here,
you can't take that. Throw it down
here." And he swears that the bear
threw it down. This was questioned by
some who knew the ferocious habits of
Sir Billy, but Heffner brought the pick-
axe home with him. I asked Theodore
66

VICE PRESIDENT
how he came by the name of Sir Billy.
"Once," says he, "there came up here
a representative of British royalty. Four
of his men were killed by the bear, which
you will learn to distinguish by a great
bunch of red hair on his breast. This set
the Englishman to thinking. 'Ah,' he
said, within hearing of the grizzly, 'I
see your point. You don't want to be
killed. We will see about that.' So he
set a big steel trap and baited it with
honey, and the bear was caught, but he
broke the chain and walked off with the
trap fastened around his ankle. 'Bravo!'
cried his highness, 'he belongs to the Or-
der of the Garter.' And ever since,
recognizing his title to knighthood, we
have called him Sir Billy. It was a long
time before he got the trap off, but he
did finally, and is now as free as ever, I
am told, with the exception of his in-
creasing weight, as more lead is added
67

ADVENTURES OF A
to him. I have never encountered him,
but I believe that if I get a good square
shot at him I can fetch him down.'
"Are you goin' to look for him?" says
Skin.
"That is the main object of my visit,"
says Theodore. "To tell you the truth
I don't believe that I could preside over
the senate of the United States feeling
that old Billy was alive. I have thought
of it day and night and I know that I
couldn't keep my mind off him, and a
man in so venerable a chair ought not to
have his mind distracted in that way."
Skin halted and said: "Well, if that's
what you're after you may count me out,
as the democrat said to the republican
in the days of reconstruction. I know
that bear."
"But you also know me," says Teddy,
his pride rising.
"Yes, I do that same, but not as well
68

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
as I do the bear. My wife has been a
widder three times, she tells me, and it is
not my intention to make her one the
fourth time, if I can help it. I would
like to fight lions and wolves with you,
with an occasional fall out of any man
that needs killin', but that bear reached
out from behind a rock once, and made
a swipe at me,-in five minutes I fell off
forty pounds or more, and I haven't any
flesh to spare at present." He turned
back and we saw him fade away down
the trail. And this was the sort of sport
we were going to hunt. I hinted that,
as Sir Billy seemed to be found easily,
there was really no need of a detective,
but Theodore reached over, put his hand
on my shoulder, and I said no more; but
I felt myself quaking from time to time.
A little further on we met a man who,
when questioned, said that the great bear
had not been seen for some time, almost
69

ADVENTURES OF A
a year. The general impression was, not
that he was dead, but that he had gone
off somewhere to visit his relatives. The
last time he was seen he had driven a
number of miners away from their camp
one bitterly cold day. Looking round,
they saw him standing upright, with his
back to the fire, warming himself.
When we halted for refreshments I
drew the stranger to one side and asked
him to give me his honest opinion about
that ferocious animal, He smiled and
said that there wasn't any particular
opinion to give. Everybody knew him
and everybody kept out of his way. He
told me that an enterprising man rigged
up a mountain howitzer on a mule and
went up into Sir Billy's territory. There
were bets as to whether he would come
back or not. Among the company was a
soldier who knew the workings and the
utility of that sort of cannon, and he said
70

MITH HIS BACK TO THE FIRE
WARMING HIMSELF. Page 70


VICE .
PRESIDENT
that all the enterprising man had to do
was to get the bear to stand still for a
few moments; but, as every one knows
the restlessness of a bear, the bets were
against the success of the expedition.
It seems, however, that luck in some de-
gree was in favor of the bold man, whose.
name was simply Elias Smith. He
walked on, leading his mule, and just
about the time the sun was setting, he
saw Sir Billy standing on a rock, bathed
in gold. His breast was partly exposed,
and the man saw the flaming bunch of
red hair. From his coat pocket he took
out a handful of oats and induced the
mule to turn round. But to save him
he couldn't get the exact sight. The
screw, or whatever you call it, couldn't
be worked, and the gun could not be
raised high enough. But Smith was full
of enterprise. He made quick calcula-
tion as to how much of a raise was
71

ADVENTURES OF A
needed, found two stones of the proper
thickness and coaxed the mule to let him
put them under his hind feet. The mule
didn't like it, but Smith gave him more
oats to distract his attention.
And now
all was ready. The bear had not changed
his position. He stood as bears often
stand when they have their pictures
taken to be used for advertising pur-
poses. Smith struck a match. But just
as he touched it to the priming, or the
infinitesimal part of a second sooner, the
mule coughed and one of the rocks slid
from under his hoof. Then there was
a thunderous jar, the mule jumped like a
rabbit, leaped off the rock and rattled
down into the gorge three thousand feet.
He almost carried Smith with him, and
would if he hadn't held on to a sharp
point of rock. But the bear! Smith
looked, with his heart in his eyes, and
there stood the bear, shaking chunks of
72

VICE. PRESIDENT
granite from his back and shoulders,
ready to have his picture taken. The
ball had struck about eight feet below
him, and had sprinkled him with frag-
ments of rock-that was all. Smith, be-
ing a man of resources, took to his heels,
and the only reason he ever got back was
the fact that the bear was preoccupied
at the time. This adventure was told to
me as I sat on a stone, trying to drink a
tin cup of coffee. And I said to myself
that it was almost criminal to invite
slaughter. The bear couldn't be killed,
that was evident, and whether or not we
should come back alive, if we found him,
depended not upon our strength, but
upon his peculiar humor at the time of
the meeting. I thought it my self-sworn
duty to remonstrate with our hero; but
at that instant he shouted to us to mount,
and away we went, up into the jaws of
Sir Billy.
73

ADVENTURES OF A
CHAPTER VI
FIVE LIONS AT ONE SHOT
WⓇ
E halted high up, just before
passing the edge of the timber
line, and a more picture-like
place could not have been chosen for a
camp. It was in a little plat of level
ground and was surrounded by high
rocks. At one corner there was a spring
that boiled up like water in a pot. We
were provided with a snug cabin for our-
selves, a warm stable for the horses and
mules, and a shed for the Rough Writers.
One of the leading correspondents, a
Rough Writer who had distinguished
himself at hangings and stake perform-
ances, called on Theodore just as we sat
74

VICE PRESIDENT
down to our first meal in the cabin.
With a salute showing that he had re-
ceived a military training, he said: "I
have these fellows out here pretty well
in hand and would like to know as to
what you want sent."
"Send them all back down the trail,"
says Theodore, blowing his hot coffee
with modesty and reserve.
The Rough Writer gave a hitch at his
trousers. This proved that he had been
in the navy.
"That won't do," he says.
"We have been sent up here to write, and
we've got to write. Such are our in-
structions. Would you, therefore, mind
making out a programme of action, and
a list of the things you are going to kill,
giving the exact number? Our instruc-
tions enforce exactness."
This pleased Theodore, and accord-
ingly he scribbled off a list and handed
it to the Rough Writer, who took it with
75

ADVENTURES OF A
another military salute, and retired in a
gentlemanly manner.
During all this time my mind had not
wandered away from that infernal bear.
Whenever I shut my eyes I could see the
flaming bunch of hair on his remorseless
breast. Of course my experience taught
me that his exploits and his prowess had
been exaggerated, as are nearly all
things in this life, but even the grossest
exaggeration may have some sort of
foundation, and it was the foundation
that scared me. I am not particularly
afraid of a man or a woman. Together
with four other plain-clothes men I once
arrested Red Moll, alias The Dock Rat,
and at another time I was one of a posse
that gobbled up Newsboy Tim, alias the
Weasel; but they were representatives,
such as they were, of the human family.
As I understood it, old Sir Billy had
nothing human about him.
76

VICE •
PRESIDENT
barth
"Thinking about that bear, ain't you?"
says Theodore, shaking out his blanket
upon the floor.
"It is upon him that my mind is at this
moment resting," says I, in choice rhet-
oric, to the shame of Prof. Brander
Matthews.
"And you are aching for an oppor-
tunity to get at him," says Theodore,
winking at himself.
"Your honor," I began, but Theodore
told me not to talk like an Irishman just
come over. "Don't you know," says
our hero, "that according to the fattest
personage known to the stage, we, or
rather you, bringing it down closer, owe
God a death? Don't you know that?"
"Yes, I have heard of it, but I'm not
indebted to any bear to that extent."
This pleased Theodore, and getting up,
he opened the door, looked out and
smiled at the night. When he returned
77

ADVENTURES OF A
"Every
to his blanket he was calmer.
man ought to have an ambition," says
he, stretching himself out and looking
every inch a soldier, "and it has for years
been my ambition to kill that bear. I
was about to organize an expedition
against him when the Spanish war broke
out to distract my attention for a time,
and then the election; but during the lull
after the storm the gnawings of my old
and most laudable ambition were re-
newed; then my mind was finally made
up. I am grieved to learn that the bear
is now away from home."
"He must have heard that you were
coming," says I; and Theodore turned
over and smiled a luminous shadow on
the wall.
"When detectives flatter, then is our
speech infested with niceties," he says,
turning again toward me. "But don't
be frightened," he says "I am here."
78

VICE PRESIDENT
I asked him if he would mind taking
hold of my hand for a moment. He gen-
erously accommodated me, without a
moment of hesitation, and thus assured
and soothed, I dropped off to sleep.
The morning was bright, and one of
the Rough Writers declared that the air
was as full of sparkle as the eye of a Kan-
sas City belle. This grace of compari-
son pleased Theodore, insomuch that he
gave the man a smile, and rewarded him
further with a chew of black plug. While
we were making ready, a lion peered at
us from the top of one of yonder rocks.
Theodore's gun was not handy, but with
his pistol he shot the lion between the
eyes. The animal sprang high into the
ambient air, and as a pretty stiff breeze
was blowing, sailed over and fell at the
feet of his master. And then the Rough
Writers seized their pads and wrote;
"The day dawned clear with the killing
79

ADVENTURES OF A
of five lions with one shot." In order
to enforce accuracy upon the Rough
Writers, they were not permitted to ac-
company us except at a distance. This
was wise, for the reckless pen has given
Theodore a great deal of annoyance.
Just before we started, up came a party
of men stretching a telegraph wire, and
within a few moments a clicking machine
was set up in our quarters. This was
the enterprise of the newspapers. And
I remember that afterward I saw the fol-
lowing statement, red-headed, in a sheet
known for the swiftness of its flight:
"The report of the killing of the last lion
by the Colonel left our press and was out
on the street thirty-eight seconds in ad-
vance of any other publication."
A few miles further up the gulch we
left our horses and proceeded on foot.
The Rough Writers were far in the rear
at the time we dismounted, and soon
80

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
they were lost sight of, for now we were
not compelled to keep in the path. But
it was astonishing how far we could go
without meeting an adventure. Up to
noon there was but one incident. I saw
Theodore seize a large yellow stick and,
with the quick exercise of his muscles,
break it over his knee. I walked along
toward him, wondering what he meant
by such a performance, but when nearer
I discovered that what I had taken to be
a stick was indeed an enormous rattle-
snake, frozen stiff.
"Just think what his surprise will be
when he thaws out," says Theodore,
again taking the lead.
The afternoon was far advanced, and
still there was no adventure. We found
a place where it appeared that some
dozen of men had rolled a hogshead in
the snow, but with rising spirits Theo-
dore informed me that the imprints had
81

ADVENTURES OF A
undoubtedly been caused by old Sir Billy
at play. This brought my trembling
heart into my mouth, and I was com-
pelled to breathe through my nose for
fear of blowing it out upon the cold
ground. Theodore noticed my agita-
tion. "Your heart is weak," says he.
"Yes, I must confess it."
"Why don't you do something for it?"
"I don't know what to do. I am no
physician."
"That is not necessary," says Theo-
dore. "There was a time when a man
needed a doctor, but not now. Here,
eat a lot of this."
He thrust his hand into his bosom and
took out a small buckskin bag. I opened
it and found that it contained salt. "The
Chicago University has discovered that
salt is all there is to life," says he. "Eat
salt and the drooping heart will hold up
its head."
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VICE PRESIDENT
I licked up a handful of the salt and
for a time forgot the bear, remembering
only that I wanted water.
At last to my great delight Theodore
said that it was time to turn back, as it
would be dark by the time we reached
the camp. But upon turning we found
that we were lost. This sickened me,
for I had my warm blanket in mind; but
Theodore didn't mind it. He consoled
me with this reflection: "A man is more
likely to come upon adventure when he's
lost. Don't you believe so?"
"I am afraid it is a fact," I admitted,
and Theodore told me that I'd better eat
more salt. Now onward rapidly we
strode, down toward the timber line, and
reached a few scrub trees just as the
moon came up. Farther on we came to
a large tree and here we sat down to rest
and to eat some frozen bread and salt.
While we were licking our cold chops,
83

ADVENTURES OF A
there came a low howl in the dis-
tance.
"What is that?" says I.
"A wolf," says Theodore.
Just then there broke out the worst
howling I ever heard. Hagenback's
was a mere whispering compared with
it. "The fun has begun," says Theo-
dore. "Let us climb up into this tree."
And we did. Theodore was usually in
the lead, but I beat him up among the
gnarled branches of the tree, and none
too soon was either of us, for a great tor-
rent of wolves came pouring down the
hill. Amid the loud and ferocious cries
for blood, we could hear their sharp
claws rattling over the rocks with as cold
a sound as a man might imagine. "They
can't climb, at any rate," says Theodore,
seating himself comfortably upon a limb.
"I am glad we have a moon. Ah,
now the fun begins," and with that we
84

VICE •
PRESIDENT
both began to shoot. I am not much of
a marksman, but here direct aim did not
count, for all we had to do was to choose
direction, vicinity, I might say. The
wolves kept coming and we kept on
pumping, ceasing only to let our guns
cool for a few moments. We had
brought as much ammunition as we
could carry, and were prepared for a long
campaign. The howling was frightful.
It was almost as bright as day, better
than day, in fact, for there was no glare.
One of the wolves we noticed was a
leader, and headed many a charge
against us. He was so active that it was
almost impossible to get a shot at him,
but Theodore clipped off one of his paws.
This made no decided difference, for he
rounded up his forces and continued to
come at us on three legs. We could see
that his lieutenants were urging him to
retire, but he shook his head, howled de-
85

ADVENTURES OF A
fiance, and again sprang to the attack.
"Keep the base of operations well cov-
ered," says Theodore. They are trying
to gnaw us down." A shudder passed
over me. They had ceased their efforts
to reach us by leaping, and were now bit-
ing at the tree. As soon as one fell he
was dragged back, and another took his
place. They were under marvelous dis-
cipline, which convinces me that the art
of war does not belong to the higher in-
tellectual pursuits.
"I have a sort of respect for that ras-
cal," says Theodore. "He has ability in
his line, but the reward of ability is often
death. Listen how they gnaw. Be a
little steadier. It is necessary to aim
now. Ha! I was trying to think of an
old tune we used to hum out on the
plains. Isn't it astonishing that I can't
hit the captain? Look, his lieutenants
are again persuading him to retire, but
86

VICE. PRESIDENT
he won't. See, he is charging up over
the dead bodies of his men.
ing a San Juan hill of them.
him then."
He is mak-
Oh, I got
The wolf commander uttered a deep
howl and fell back, shot, as well as I could
determine, squarely through the head.
But this did not end the fight. Indeed,
it was but the beginning as we afterward
found out. Another took his place, a
slim and active fellow, and with this new
blood, the attack was even more deter-
mined. "He dodges like a hell diver,"
says Theodore, "but we'll
get him yet.
How are you enjoying yourself?"
"I am pretty comfortable, thank you,
but I am beginning to get a little tired."
"Well, lay off a while and take a nap,
and you'll do better work when you wake
up."
This was kindness itself, but I could
not, under the circumstances, avail my
87

ADVENTURES OF A
self of it. At this moment I felt the tree
sway slightly, and in the brightness of
the moonlight I saw a shadow of concern
on Theodore's face. The enemy had
done fearful work at the base of our only
protection. "Pump faster," says Theo-
dore. The tree grew steadier, and I be-
gan to believe that we both had been
mistaken, when it was discovered that
so many dead bodies were packed about
the trunk of the tree as to hold it firm.
This was a mistake of the new com-
mander, and doubtless would not have
occurred had the other captain lived, for
his orders had evidently been to drag
back the killed and wounded. It grew
darker for a time, and then the welcome
streaks of coming day were seen in the
east. "Ah," says Theodore, "we get
everything good from the East. The
West could not have served us so. But
pump away, for we ain't done yet. Look!
88

VICE •
PRESIDENT
They are charging up over the dead.
Now, pump for your life."
When the daylight became broad
we could see just a trifle of move-
ment in the suburbs of the slain.
The long fight was over, and now
we walked down from the tree on
a stairway of dead wolves. But what
was this off a short distance to the
right? The representatives of the enter
prising press had heard the firing, and
during the night had run their telegraph
facilities up to within one hundred yards
of us.
As we approached, the machine
was ticking gaily. The Rough Writer of
whom I have spoken, one T. Ruth, came
forward and, saluting Theodore, re-
marked, in a clear, sunrise voice:
"Colonel, you have given us a hard
night's work, but that's what we are here
for. How many have you killed?"
"I don't know," says Theodore, "till
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ADVENTURES OF A
I count my cartridges and strike a
balance."
"Well, no matter, for the news has
already been sent. We couldn't wait.'
I saw the account not long afterward,
and am free to say, in the face of the
fact that I am running the risk of antag-
onizing the most powerful pull in the
country, that it was greatly exaggerated.
I have noticed that the writers of pri-
vate letters are usually truthful, poli-
ticians excepted, of course, but that as
soon as a man begins to write for the
public he is impelled to overdraw. I
don't know why this is so, but it is.
Should truth be considered dull because
it is simple? Are we forever to go on,
striving for forced effect? I knew a
newspaper man who turned theatrical
manager, and even then he occasionally
let his love of exaggeration crop out in
his writing, for one night when requested
90

VICE •
PRESIDENT
to write a pass for one he wrote, "Admit
fifty."
As we were now both hungry and
tired, Theodore proposed that we should
eat a bite and rest a few moments
before resuming our search for old Sir
Billy. I told him that we ought at least
to rest five minutes, hoping that this sar-
casm would fetch him, but it was lost.
"Well, four and a half, anyhow," says he,
and my hopes dropped.
It was easy enough to climb a
tree to a safe retreat from wolves,
and we might get out of the way
of lions, but with Sir Billy it would
be different. If half the reports
were true, he could pull up a tree, with
us in it, and thrash us to death against
the ground.
After eating some hard biscuit, we re-
turned to the place where we had left
the horses, and found them-that is, the

ADVENTURES OF A
best part of them. Their backs had been
broken and their hind quarters had been
carried away, high up among the crags.
What cartridges we had left with them
were chewed up, so we were compelled
to go back to camp, and for this Theo-
dore began to offer apology.
"Don't put yourself to any trouble on
my account," says I, regretting the death
of the horses, but immensely tickled at
the prospect of going to shelter.
"It was that bear," says Theodore, as
we stalked along. "But don't worry;
we'll find him yet."

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
CHAPTER VII
AN ANCIENT CAVE DWELLER.
T
HEODORE consented to rest dur-
ing the remainder of the day, but
the next morning we started out
with a cartridge train of mules. For a
long distance the Rough Writers kept
well up with us, trailing a telegraph wire,
but along toward noon Theodore warned
them off, and we proceeded in peace,
that is, Theodore did; but I was troubled
over the prospect of meeting the bear.
And I was resolved that upon submitting
my report to the agency, if ever such
report were to be, I would resign rather
than go out on another such detail. I
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ADVENTURES OF A
would even go under the Twelfth street
viaduct, in Chicago-go at night, and
alone-rather than risk my life with a
man who had refused to acknowledge an
acquaintance with danger. Yet, I like
sport. I have amused myself for days at
a time arresting pickpockets and fash-
ionable shoplifters in the large stores. I
am not lacking in a sense of humor. I
have laughed heartily at seeing a well-
dressed woman snatch a piece of watered
silk and look dry. This may be whim-
sical, I admit, but after all, it shows a
keen sense of the ridiculous. But there
is nothing ridiculous in looking for a
bear that you know can kill you in the
fortieth part of a second. I call that
suicide, and I have never found any fun
in suicide. Understand, I am offer-
ing these reflections not for the phil-
osopher, but for the boy who is to
be kidnaped. To be fully developed, he
94

VICE •
PRESIDENT
must learn the methods of the detective-
story writer, as I have before observed.
Now we were high up where there
was not a sprig of timber. The snow was
deep and the air was benumbing, but on
we strode, Theodore being as insensible.
to cold as to danger. He found the old
tune that he had known out West, and
he went along humming it, greatly to
his satisfaction, but not to mine, for I
am fond of music. I have sat for hours
under the spell of the opera, brought
us from the East; and I might have been
still sitting there if the usher hadn't
shaken me and informed me that it was
time to go.
Suddenly Theodore halted in front of
a cave. I drew back in alarm, but he
told me to be of good cheer, for the
tracks in the snow were the tracks of a
man. "Let us enter," says he, and I fol-
For a time we could see
lowed him in.
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ADVENTURES OF A
nothing, and I received several sharp
bumps against the rugged wall, but after
a while we got along better. "Are you
sure old Sir Billy ain't in here?" says I,
and my blood ran cold when he replied:
"I am sure I hope so." I got behind
him, at this intelligence, and walked
slowly along to my death. Suddenly,
upon turning a corner, our eyes were
astonished by the sight of a fire. And
near it a man sat on a rock. "An ancient
cave dweller," murmured Theodore, and
I took heart, for I am not afraid of cave
dwellers. It was well said that he was
ancient, for the man seemed to have lived
in years too remote for history.
"Good day," says Theodore.
"Sit down," says the cave dweller,
moving over a bit.
"Fine weather," says Theodore.
"I don't know, but I infer as much,"
says the cave dweller.
96

VICE PRESIDENT
Then we all dropped into pleasant con-
versation. Theodore asked our host if
he knew anything about the bear, and
he shook his head. "I am not here to
think about bears," says he, "but to
grieve over the mistakes of my country.
I have done my best in my official acts
and with my advice, but the country is
bent upon going to the dogs."
"Anything particular eating you
now?" says Theodore, and the old man
sighed until the cave echoed as with a
sad and hollow-sounding wind. "Yes,"
says he, "the Philippine question. I have
warned the President, but to no purpose."
"Would you mind telling me your
name?" says Theodore.
The old man looked downcast and re-
plied: "I am Benjamin Harrison."
"I believe I have heard of you," says
Theodore. "You were once President
of the United States?"
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ADVENTURES OF A
"Yes, once. You have well said."
"But what are you doing up here?
Where is your gun?"
"Gun," sniffed the old man, con-
temptuously; "I want no gun. I am a
statesman, and I want to tell you that
the President is wrong."
"What about Grover Cleveland?"
"Ah, he is another statesman."
"But he handles a gun."
"Ah, but when he does, just at that
time he is not a statesman. He is a
statesman when he objects to what has
been done."
"Then, if I understand you, the essen-
tial part of statesmanship lies in objec-
tions."
"Ah, almost the whole of it."
"And what are you going to do when
you leave here?"
"I am here, as I tell you, to muse over
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VICE PRESIDENT
the wrongs of my country, and then I
will go out and air them."
"But, if I remember rightly, you don't
come out squarely and say what you
mean.
"Sir," says the cave dweller, "the es-
sence of statesmanship is insinuation.
Come, tell me what has been done within
the past few days that I may give vent
to appropriate grief."
"Well," says Theodore, giving me a
wink, "the Philippine war is over."
"Over what?"
"Over the Pacific," says Theodore,
scoring one on the disgruntled states-
man.
"That, sir, is frivolity," says he. "I am
here to be earnest. And if I could only
get Mr. Cleveland to come here and rub
heads with me I think we could make
the entire country feel sad and humili
ated. But your face is familiar."
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"That's what the Spaniards admitted,"
says Theodore, scoring another on the
statesman.
"Ah, I know you now. They tell me,
sir, that you had an exciting campaign.
I don't know myself, for I was up here
in my cave the most of the time."
"It was not wanting in life," says
Theodore. "They kept me on the dodge
most of the time."
"And what are you doing up here
now?"
"Well, being satisfied with my coun-
try, I thought I'd come up here and kill
a few things."
"Sir, what you should assist in killing
are the measures which are now being
introduced in Congress. Army and
navy, indeed! Why, in my grandfather's
time a fleet of canoes was navy enough."
"But we ain't living in your grand-
father's days."
100

VICE ·
PRESIDENT
"And so much the worse for the coun
try, sir. Then the country was forging
ahead, but now it is going backward like
a crayfish."
"I know what a crawfish is," says
Theodore, "and when you spring a cray-
fish on me I don't wonder that you were
President-once. But how long do you
think it will take you to get full of grief
this time?"
"I am filling up fast. I am, as you
must know, a man of resources, and I
shall soon pump myself full enough to
appear before the public again."
"Won't you come out with us and let
the sun shine on you?"
"No, sir, I do not want to see the sun
again for some time. Let me muse here
alone. Leave me. You shall hear from
me.'
"I shall do so with pleasure. One
word more. I suppose you come here
fot

ADVENTURES OF A
to forget as well as to fill your tank with
grief?"
"Ah, yes, to forget."
"Yes," says Theodore, "and the more
you forget the oftener we shall hear from
you," thereby scoring the third one on
the haughty statesman.

VICE -
PRESIDENT
CHAPTER VIII
AN OLD MAID'S CONVENTION
OU will observe," says Theo-
dore, as we stalked on further
"You
into the echoing defiles, "that
these mountains are the resort of discon-
tent as well as of adventure. It is not
generally known, but thousands of re-
forms are rehearsed up here under these
rocks, away from the prying eyes of the
public, and are afterward taken down to
stir up politics and society. But, in the
meantime, I wish we could find old Sir
Billy."
"Don't you think we are likely to find
him soon enough?" I ventured to re-
mark.
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ADVENTURES OF A
"Yes, soon enough for you," says
Theodore, with a small output of his
great stock of sarcasm; and I walked on
in silence, knowing that any time suit-
able to his pleasure he could score one
on me.
It was plain that we were now lost
again, but Theodore said it made no dif-
ference, as the Rough Writers were
likely to find us with their telegraph line,
and I looked at him in admiration.
Never had I seen a man of such obser-
vation, and I am acquainted with obser-
vant men. I know Chief Kipley, of Chi-
cago, the keen-eyed, who, at a moment's
notice, can throw up his head, sniff the
air, and discover that there is no gamb
ling going on in his city. I also know
Mr. Harrison, the Mayor, who discovers
the fact that Chicago is not a mecca for
the tramps of the country. All this
knowledge intensified my admiration for
104

VICE-PRESIDENT
Theodore. How wonderful is the fac-
ulty of observation! It is the basis of
all learning, since from an application of
it we are able to draw the two schools of
philosophy-inductive and deductive-
and to set them fighting like two
roosters.
All of a sudden Theodore halted and
stood listening, and my heart fluttered,
for I was afraid that he was receiving a
communication from the famous grizzly.
"I can't make out what that is," says he,
to my great relief. "If it were not so dis-
cordant I should take it for a flock of
blackbirds. Listen."
By this time a fluttering and a sort of
chirruping became audible to me, and I
listened with pleasure, for my fears were
at rest concerning the bear. "It seems
to come from some sort of cave or shel-
ter," says Theodore, striding forward.
The noise seemed to draw nearer,
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ADVENTURES OF A
and presently, rounding a rock, we
came to a natural amphitheatre, which
looked as if it had been cut out of
the solid rock. But this was not all.
Seated almost in a complete circle
were a number of oldish women, all
talking at once. Theodore, who, by
this time, you must know, is not afraid
of man, woman or beast, strode up, and
with a bow, says, says he: "What's your
lay?"
Hereupon there was a hush of the
chatter, and a woman came forward to
greet us. Her face, festooned with smiles,
was not unpleasant, and Theodore had
no hesitation in asking questions.
"Do you wish to know why we are
here?" she asked.
"Yes," says Theodore, "for I am not
quite onto your game."
The woman smiled and said that she
thanked him for his impulsive gallantry.
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
This pleased Theodore, and he smiled at
her. "We are," says she, "preparing
ourselves to dominate a convention of
mothers to be held in Chicago along in
the spring."
"A most praiseworthy preparation,"
says Theodore. Just here the magpie
chatter was resumed, and the woman
who was talking to us, evidently the
chairman of the meeting, turned round
and commanded silence. "I won't hush,"
squealed a short-haired creature, snap-
ping viciously. "If you want anybody
to hush shut up yourself."
"And don't you dare tell me to hush
because a man happens to come along,"
cried out another woman with pale curls,
And with that they all fell to talking,
and it was some time before the presi
dent could resume her conversation with
Theodore. But at last, while a commit-
tee of the whole was drafting resolutions,
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ADVENTURES OF A
each woman writing out a set to suit her-
self, the chairman proceeded to en-
lighten us.
"Mother conventions have
accomplished so much in the past that
we regarded it as our duty to take the
matter in hand."
"You are all mothers, I presume,"
says Theodore, and the woman frowned
at him. "You do presume, indeed, sir,"
she says, says she. "Do you suppose that
in the past we have wasted our time
merely with being mothers? We have
had higher duties to fulfill. Mothers,
indeed! Why, neither one of us has been
married."
"All old maids," says Theodore.
"Yes, if you insist upon putting it that
way. But who else can claim the right
to instruct mothers? Mothers haven't
had time to learn the essential requisites
-they have been so tied down that they
don't know how to bring up children,
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VICE PRESIDENT
while we have given years and years of
study to the subject. Why, we make it
a rule to write a paper every two months,
thus preparing ourselves to settle all
questions of motherhood.
"Don't you admit a married woman
to your order?"
"Well, yes, if she has not been so
indiscreet as to become a mother. But
we would rather have young girls or, as
you term them, old maids. You can
teach a young girl so much, and it is
always so encouraging to get hold of a
new and pliable subject. Ah, the women
of Colorado have set the world a great
example."
"Particularly in a political way," says
Theodore.
The woman nibbled at her pencil, eager
to get at a set of resolutions herself, but
being a perfect lady, she did not other-
wise betray her impatience. "Yes," she
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ADVENTURES OF A
says, "the women of Colorado are now
the greatest in the world. We have
emancipated married women. We have
made officeseekers polite to their wives,
even in private."
"And, if I understand it, women hold
office."
"Why, of course," she says, in sur-
prise.
"Are there any women policemen?"
says Theodore, managing to wink at me.
"Well, we had one in Denver-a very
upright, efficient and pretty woman.
And she did her work well, giving entire
satisfaction, but one day two tramps
came along and kissed her, and she re-
signed."
"That
was
serve on juries?"
unfortunate. Do you
"Well, we have done so, but dissatis-
factions have arisen. The wife of a
grocer in Denver was summoned as a
110

VICE .
PRESIDENT
juryman-jurywoman, I should say-
and the case took longer than was ex-
pected. In fact, the jury was what they
call hung, though why, goodness only
knows; and the judge had them shut up.
The grocer was detained at his business
until a late hour, and when he went home
he naturally asked for his wife, and was
told that she was shut up with the jury.
He went down to the court house,
knocked down the door, and told her to
come home. She was crying at the time,
for the verdict was not going her way,
but she left the jury room with a parting
word or two, in which she called an Irish-
man and a lobster-looking Swede hate-
ful things, and marched out triumph-
antly with her lord, but not her master
-no, sir-ee! not her master. The law
ought to have taken this house-breaker
in hand, but it didn't. The men laughed,
and that was all there was to it; and,
III

ADVENTURES OF A
would you believe it, that good-for-noth
ing judge laughed, too. I wonder how
they are getting along back there," she
says, looking round at the resolutionists.
"I suppose they are all trying to insert
a new clause in our constitution. But
is it clause or claw?"
Theodore said that, from his experi-
ence with conventions, it was as often
claw as clause. "Then they are inter-
changeable terms," says she. "I thought
so, and I remarked as much to Miss Lily,
who took it in good part, but Miss Pearl
objected and Miss Maud took her bon-
net and vowed that if such were the case
she would go home. But see, they are
about ready with their resolutions.
Won't you gentlemen come forward and
sit down?"
We went forward and sat down, but
not in the circle, for that was a privilege
accorded to no man but a bachelor, to
112

VICE - PRESIDENT
which state neither of us could lay claim
without falsifying his word. The presi-
dent stood near and gave us much infor
mation concerning the habits, usages,
personality and general disposition of the
women who got up to read their papers.
And, in a condensed form, this is about
what she said: "That one is Miss Hor-
tense Bone. She is as spiteful as a set-
ting hen, and she wears her hat in a
shocking manner. I have heard, but of
course I don't vouch for the truth of it,
that at one time she eloped with a min-
ister and was caught at the railway sta-
tion by the minister's wife, who forgave
her husband, but wouldn't speak to Miss
Hortense again, and it served her right.
See that one reaching for the hair of Miss
Hortense-there, they have separated
them! Well, she is Miss Consuela
Duggs. I have known her a long
time, and she has many charming traits
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ADVENTURES OF A
of character. They got her mixed up in
a little scandal out in Deadwood, but she
says she wasn't guilty. She says so, mind
you. And it is not for me to say that
she was. That one there with her hands
on her hips, gazing defiance, is Miss
Honeysuckle Butts. And she is so sweet-
tempered. I wish you could know her.
And she's so charitable, too."
"Any scandal?" says Theodore.
"Now, who told you? Hush, don't
you say a word about it."
"Look!" Theodore cried, pointing up-
ward, and there, as I am alive-there,
standing on a rock, was old Sir Billy,
his bunch of red hair flaming. We had
left our guns at the outskirts of the
meeting, and it was evident that, with
one leap, the bear could cut us out of
them. But would he? My heart was in
my mouth, and Theodore turned pale.
The bear stood with his great mouth
114

VICE .
PRESIDENT
open, but suddenly, catching sight of the
convention, which seemed to have es-
caped his notice for a moment, he uttered
a distressing grunt and took to his heels.
We ran to the top of the rocks to watch
him, and for a long distance there was
a clean sweep, but the bear jumped all
the way across it, without looking back,
and disappeared over the mountain.
"Let us go," says Theodore, in a sad
tone of voice. We bowed to the conven-
tion and took our leave, taking up our.
guns and pursuing the course which Sir
Billy had taken. It was a long time be-
fore Theodore said a word, but he sighed
repeatedly. "I don't blame him," says
he.
The afternoon was far spent when we
reached the crest behind which the bear
had disappeared, and there was a great
rock torn loose from the hard soil, and
all down the mountain side we saw the
115

ADVENTURES OF A
evidences of his precipitous flight. But
darkness was coming and we deemed it
best to retrace our steps to the place
where we had left our mules, which we
did, finding them safe, with a telegraph
wire strung about them. The Rough
Writers were sitting there waiting for us
with a telegraphic instrument faintly
ticking on a mule's back. I am now
about to relate an adventure which has
not been reported by the press.
116

VICE-PRESIDENT
CHAPTER IX
KIDNAPPED
HE next morning we loaded our-
selves down with cartridges and
TH
started out on foot, choosing a
rugged pathway over the mountains and
dodging here and there to throw the
Rough Writers off the scent, as their
wandering telegraph facilities frightened
the game and drove the lions to cover.
"I am a great believer in the press," says
Theodore, as we humped along, "but I
don't think that the young men who rep...
resent it should usurp a license when
allowed a liberty. I am certain that Sir
Billy is as much afraid of a telegraph wire
as he is of an old maid's convention."
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ADVENTURES OF A
All of a sudden my blood began to
freeze even before my eyes discovered the
source of impending danger. A large
lion leaped directly at us from a high
rock. But Theodore, with scarcely a
break in his interesting talk, whipped out
his knife, held it up and permitted the
sailing beast to split himself from lip to
tail. It was the most graceful piece of
work I ever saw.
The lion fell spread
out flat, like a tiger rug, and Theodore,
looking on with a smile, observed in his
sweetly modulated tones: "How hand-
somely he would set off a corner in a club
room. But we have no time to stand
here viewing our handiwork. Yonder
comes a mule with a telegraph office on
his back. If we could only induce the
Rough Writers not to engage in such
exaggeration I should feel more comfort-
able. Come, we must dodge."
He ran like a deer, and I followed him
118

0
A LARGE LION LEAPED
DIRECTLY AT US. Page 118


VICE -
PRESIDENT
as best I could, and soon all evidences
of the press were left far in the zig-zag
rear. But in our flight we threw away
our provisions, to enable us better to
carry the ammunition, and along toward
noontime we became painfully conscious
of having nothing to eat. But Theodore
was equal, if not superior, to any emer-
gency. With his rifle he brought an
eagle down from a snow cloud, and I
must acknowledge that with a little salt
it was not bad. Theodore said that it
beat embalmed beef, and I had eaten at
the restaurants, set up in the big stores,
too often to complain. Just after dinner
we came upon a drove of lions, and we
gave our right arms good exercise with
pumping lead into them. I would have
enumerated the result, but Theodore
said we hadn't time, so we pushed for-
ward into the neighborhood which old
Sir Billy had claimed for his own. But
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ADVENTURES OF A
we found no trace of him,
loosened here and there.
except a rock
Along about
four o'clock we heard the scream of a
panther, and as we had killed none of
that species, and especially as it was rare
to find one so high up among the moun-
tains, Theodore said we must have him,
so onward we strode, following the
blood-curdling outcries.
At last we
seemed to draw near the sounds, and
then, suddenly, in a level place, we came
upon a low hut built strongly of huge
logs. The cry now seemed to come from
the interior of the hut, and we stooped
down and peered in at the doorway.
"This is a strange place," says Theodore.
"Come on, we'll go in."
"Do you think it safe?" says I, en-
deavoring to restrain him.
"Sir," says he, "I don't know what you
mean by safe. Follow me."
There was no hanging back after that,
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
and I followed him; but no sooner had
we entered than a door fell behind us,
startling me with its noise. Turning
about I saw in an instant that we had
been caught in a trap, baited with the
screams of a panther. And Theodore
realized it, too, for he sprang at the door
and strove to break it down, but it re-
sisted all his efforts, as indeed it would
have withstood the strength of a dozen
men, made as it was of heavy oak,
studded with iron nails. There was one
small window, about six inches square,
cut for the admission of air, and against
the wall there was a rude bench, which
was the only furniture. But what was
this over in a corner, that gradually be-
came lighter as we gazed into it? A jug
of water and three loaves of bread.
"I can't understand this," says Theo-
dore, stamping upon the frozen earth
floor. "Climb up to that window and
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ADVENTURES OF A
shout for telegraph facilities." I did so,
shouting till I was hoarse, but there
came no wire to relieve our distress. And
it was distress, I can assure you, gentle
reader. This is the first time that I have
called you a gentle reader, if you are,
and I desire you to remember that fact.
"I have been in many a box," says
Theodore, "but this beats all. I wish
we had that telegraph office. Have you
any idea as to why we are caught thus?"
he says, giving me a hard look.
"Why should I know? I am a detec-
tive."
"I beg your pardon," says Theodore,
bowing courteously. Hereupon we sat
down on the bench, ate a loaf of bread,
which our hero generously divided, and
refreshed ourselves with water from the
jug. "Whoever keeps house here knows
what good water is," says Theodore,
taking another pull at the jug. "But I
122

VICE-PRESIDENT
should like to understand why I am in
this trap. And it is a trap, the strongest
one I ever saw."
99
"Do you think, sir," says I, "that it
was arranged and set by old Sir
Billy?"
sible.
Theodore's eyes brightened for a
moment. Then, with an expression of
disappointment, he said: "No; impos-
He is a wonderful animal, the
very statesman of bears, but he could not
have done this. I give you credit, how-
ever, for thinking of the scheme. It is
worthy of the keenest detective in the
country. But how dark it is growing. I
wish we had a light."
At that moment something came
through the window-a wire-rimmed
lantern, and it fell at Theodore's feet. He
took it up, lighted it and hung it on the
wall. "Now, what do you understand
by this?" says he.
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ADVENTURES OF A
"I am further and further at a loss,"
says I.
"Ah, truly, a detective-like predica
ment," says he. "But what's this?"
It was an afternoon newspaper, and it
came fluttering through the little win-
dow, almost damp from the press.
"We're all right," says Theodore. "The
Rough Writers will soon be here."
But they did not come. We sat there,
reading exaggerated accounts of Theo-
dore's exploits. And we learned much
that was going on in the world; that
Chauncey Depew was indisposed; that
his physician had prescribed mutton
broth and a speech; that a New
York woman, after long persuasion,
had consented at last to have her dog
photographed; that the President had
congratulated Edward VII. on the
successful termination of his mother's
reign; that in consequence of the visit
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VICE-PRESIDENT
of the Emperor to Osborne House
the English were about to forgive
the Germans for making knives; that
Mrs. Lease had withdrawn divorce pro-
ceedings and had decided to try the old
man a few more falls; that tallow candles
were likely to take the place of fraudu-
lent gas in Chicago; that John Tanner
had decided not to be Senator from Illi-
nois; that Jeanette Gilder was still writ-
ing her paid puffs; that F. Hopkinson
Smith had sniffed at Uncle Tom's Cabin;
that this particular newspaper was the
best on earth, and that Hamlin Garland
was considering whether or not he could
afford the time to write the great Ameri-
can novel. This was all interesting
enough, but what we wanted to know
was why we were there. Who threw the
lantern and the paper? One of the
Rough Writers, of course; but why didn't
he say something? Why didn't he take
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ADVENTURES OF A
steps to liberate us?
Theodore swore
that he would dig himself out, and he
went to work with his knife, but soon
broke it off in the frozen ground. At
last he put out his lantern and said it
was time to go to bed, which we did,
and slept soundly till morning. The sun
shone in at our little window, and this
brought us good cheer for a time, but
that was all, for no relief expedition had
reached us. After we had breakfasted on
another loaf of bread we sat down, for
there was nothing else to be done, but
the investigative mind of Theodore, re-
fusing to rest, was constantly at work to
solve the problem of our imprisonment.
There never was a time when I was more
anxious to help a man out of a difficulty,
but, like himself, I was powerless. Our
only hope was the Rough Writers, and
it was for them that we were waiting.
Suddenly there came a tapping on the
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
wall outside, and we leaped to our feet.
A rescue was at hand.
"Open the door," says Theodore.
"Not much, Mary Ann," came from
without.
"Who are you?" Theodore demanded.
"Oh, you know me. I am the chief
of the Omaha kidnapers, and I've got
you safe enough."
"Kidnapers, indeed," quoth Theodore,
his anger rising. "But here, I am no
kid."
"You are, for all my intents and pur-
poses. I have been on your track for
some time, and now I have you. Your
release will cost four hundred thousand
dollars in gold. If you were Mr. Bryan
I would take silver, charging, of course,
double the amount, but as it is you I
must have gold, and no compromise."
outrage!" Theodore
"This is an
shouted.
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ADVENTURES OF A
"I am pleased to hear you admit it.
Are you ready to write a request for the
amount to the President at Washington,
or to Congress? It makes no differ-
ence."
"Never!" exclaimed Theodore, with
determined expansion of chest.
"All right; then make yourself as com
fortable as you can under the circum-
stances.
99
"Come round where I can get a shot
at you," says Theodore, in his most per
suasive accents.
"No, I believe not, this morning.
Whenever you need more water throw
out your jug. I will see that you are
supplied with bread. Don't forget to
wind your watch, and if you desire it I
will give you a calendar, so you may
keep track of the month."
"Month!" echoed Theodore.
"Yes, for you are to stay in there until
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VICE ·
PRESIDENT
the ransom is paid. Oh, I knew how to
catch you. We tried to get Mr. Bryan
just before the election, but we couldn't
think of the right sort of bait. But with
you it was different. Don't you think
there is a good deal of music about the
scream of a panther?"
"I think there is a good deal of inso-
lence about you, and I wish I could get
a shot at you. Here, a moment. It may
be well enough to entrap me, but you
have an innocent party-a detective.'
99
"Oh, that's all right. If he's a detec-
tive he doesn't know he's shut up yet."
"Sir, your sarcasm is unbecoming a
gentleman and a scholar!" I cried, unable
longer to control my indignation. I
heard him laughing. "It will not be
long," I says to Theodore. "Let him
enjoy himself while he can." And the
fellow, overhearing me, made answer:
"We will see about that.'
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ADVENTURES OF A
"But don't you know that the telegraph
office will soon be here?" says Theodore,
with a fine shade of just anger overlying
his manly countenance. "Don't you
know that? And then, sir, we shall be
set free."
"It would seem so," the man replied,
"but you needn't expect any assistance
from that quarter. The press has with-
drawn its forces to watch for social out-
breaks in Kansas, and, with the excep-
tion of one report a day, made up mostly
at home, they are to pay no further at-
tention to you."
"Can this be true?" Theodore groaned.
"Are my exploits no longer to be chron-
icled? Then am I undone, indeed. Fel-
low, the money cannot be raised. I have
not one-third of that sum, and to appeal
to Congress or the President would be
unconstitutional. Besides, the state of
Colorado would resent such interference.
130

VICE PRESIDENT
Open this door and I will make it all
right with you."
"I will open the door when the money
is put down by a red lantern, five hun-
dred feet to the right of the left-hand
corner of this house, and not before.
Any communication which you write
must be in plain English, with no
suggestion of cypher. I have a little
score to settle with you, and, besides, I
need the money, which, of course, makes
all financial operations legitimate."
"A score to settle with me?" says
Theodore.
"Yes. I was once a wire-fence cutter
in the far West, and you declared me an
outlaw, and made it so uncomfortable
for my line of business that whenever a
man was found with a can-opener in his
pocket he was strung up. Do you wish
writing material?"
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ADVENTURES OF A
"I will stay in here until the day of
judgment," says Theodore.
"Just as you please; it's not that I
care. But I guess six months will be
enough for you."
"Sir, you can't keep me here. The
entire populace of this country will rise
up."
"Yes, to express their grief that you
were killed by a grizzly. It will be easy
enough to send off such a report. The
press would be delighted to publish it.
And I can very easily furnish the man-
gled remains, and if the worst comes
to the worst, I can mutilate that detec-
tive and send his lacerated body as mute
evidence. Don't you see?"
"I wish I could see you," says Theo-
dore, seizing his gun, working his elbow
and pumping a few pounds of lead into
the wall. When the firing ceased the
man said: "That is good exercise. When
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VICE PRESIDENT
you get out of cartridges I will see that
you get a fresh supply. Well, I'll call
again in the morning."
We heard him striding off on the
frozen ground. "I don't know what to
do," says Theodore. "Can't you think
of something?"
I wanted to get out. I was having
my fill of adventure, and I told him that
he might as well yield. "Impossible,"
says Theodore. "The people would re-
gard the whole thing as a joke if I should
appeal to them. The paragraphers
would laugh at me, and my chances for
the Presidency would be forever ruined.
No, I can't entertain such a thought."
While he was talking the window sud-
denly darkened, and I could not sup-
press a cry, for there, shutting out nearly
all the light, was the head of old Sir
Billy, slightly drawn back, or otherwise
it would have thrown us completely in
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ADVENTURES OF A
the dark. Theodore seized his gun and
fired; the bear shook his head and, with
a broad grin, spat out something. It
was the bullet. Theodore was about to
fire again, after observing the effect of
his first shot, but the bear ducked,
and we felt him rubbing against the
house.
"He may huff it down like the bear in
the story," said I.
"The bear you are thinking of was a
wolf," says Theodore. "You should be
a little more careful with your citations.
But he may rub our house down, that's
a fact. And if he does, at least one of
us is likely to pay the penalty, and some-
how, for I am inclined to look on the
bright side, I don't think it will be your
Uncle Edward," meaning himself, of
course. I groaned aloud. "If he would
only kill that kidnaper I would thank
him," says Theodore.
134

VICE •
PRESIDENT
"He may be in league with him," I
suggested, and Theodore replied:
"A picturesque idea, for a detective;
but of course it is necessarily wide of the
truth. Still, I give you credit for ex-
pressing it. Whenever you have noth-
ing else to do express such ideas. They
will help to while away the time.
Helloa, he's taken himself off!"
And such was the fact, for we could
hear him rolling down rocks from the
mountain side not far away.
The day was long and tedious, and I
for one was in hopes that our captor
would pay us another visit; but the night
closed in, and we heard nothing of him.
He came with the morning, however,
and, tapping upon the wall to announce
himself, asked how we were getting on.
"We haven't advanced any since yes-
terday," says Theodore, not forgetting
his fine grade of sarcasm.
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ADVENTURES OF A
"But don't you think you are soon
likely to get on further toward writing
that paper?"
"The time for my first message has
not arrived," quoth Theodore, with his
humorous mind on the White House.
"And when it has arrived it may cost
the country more than four hundred
thousand dollars," says the man outside,
and we heard him chuckle. "I have de-
cided to shut off your newspapers," says
he, chuckling again. "About all an
American needs is a newspaper, any-
way, and with it you are likely to be too
well provided. But from time to time,
as the months pass by, I will tell you
some of the most important news."
"The months," echoed our hero.
"I said months," quoth the kidnaper.
"And I will begin now. Mme. Bern-
hardt has expressed herself as being
greatly pleased with society."
136

VICE -
PRESIDENT
"Has she consented to let them take
her up?"
"I mean the society of the stock yards.
She dipped her handkerchief in a steer's
blood and waved him a good-bye. She
says that she there saw the finest drama
ever played. She took a phonograph
along to catch a few squeals to use in
the future, when she produces her great
rural piece. She then will have the noise
of the genuine hog."
"Why didn't she catch the whistle of
an Illinois Central train?"
"Your brightness deserves a better
fate," says the kidnaper. "But here is
some more news.
99
"Let us have it; but let it be some-
thing of interest. I am not stuck on
actresses.'
99
"All right. The resolutions of the late
peace congress show that there are to
be no more wars, proving that the Czar
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ADVENTURES OF A
is a great peacemaker, and should, there-
fore, be blessed."
"How many warships is he building,
and what are his recent appropriations
for the army?" says Theodore.
"Big," says the kidnaper. "But that is
all the news I can give you at present.
I am afraid you'll find yourself too com-
fortable if I keep on.
You won't care
to come out at all."
"Look here," says Theodore, "this
joke has gone far enough. Open the
door and I will walk away and ask no
questions. And if you don't, when I'm
President I will veto the bill that declares
your irrigation ditch navigable. Then
look at the money you will lose."
"You indeed move me deeply," says
the kidnaper; "but I know my duty when
it is spread out before me, and I am not
to be tempted. Well, I must be going."
And off he went.
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PRESIDENT
CHAPTER X
HELD FOR RANSOM
T is painful thus to linger over the
memory of our imprisonment, but I
IT
have been set to the great task of
telling the simple truth, and I suppose
you know, gentle reader-second time-
that all simple truths are full of details.
If this were not true, there would not be
news enough in the world to warrant
the getting out of more than one news-
paper in a week.
Ah, but now we had work to do. In
his restlessness Theodore discovered
that the logs were pine, and that with
persistent effort one of them might be
our knives. His was
cut in two with 9
139

ADVENTURES OF A
broken about half way of the blade, but
this did not impair its effectiveness. In
fact, if anything it was a help. So to
work we went, whistling at our labor,
and made good progress. The log was
about two feet through and we had
hopes that it might be hollow. But it
was not. Our captor didn't call during
the day. We expected him at night, and
grew impatient for his cheerful voice,
but he did not come until nearly bed-
time; then he arrived in a merry mood
and tossed us in a can of oil for our
lantern.
"Beautiful night out here under the
stars," says he, and in my mind I could
see him looking up at the Milky Way.
"Won't you come in and sit down a
while?" says Theodore, never for a mo-
ment ceasing his work at the log.
"No, I believe not. What are you
gentlemen doing in there?"
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
"Exercising the great Yankee privi-
lege of whittling," says Theodore.
"Good. And if your knives get dull
you may call on me for a whetstone."
"Thank you," says Theodore; "you
are very polite. What was your busi-
ness before accepting the presidency of
the Amalgamated Association of Kid-
napers?"
"I told you that I cut wire fences for
a living."
"I mean before then. What gentle
calling did you follow?"
"I sold coal in winter and ice in sum-
mer."
"And what are you going to do when
you retire from your present position?"
"I thought that I might buy out a
street-car line. But how about your
mind? Have you made it up?"
"Yes, to the extent of telling you that
it is impossible to give in."
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99
"Then it is impossible to get out.
"This is the worst outrage of the cen-
tury," says Theodore, whetting his knife
on his boot and falling to work with re-
newed vigor.
"That may be, but new enterprises are
coming up every day, and one never
knows what to expect."
"Suppose that, as a last resort, I am
compelled to thwart you by ending my
own life?"
"Then you could never be President."
"That's a fact," Theodore admitted,
with a deep sigh. "I didn't think of
that."
"But you should think of such things.
This is a day of thought. Did you ever
contemplate that?"
Theodore said that he had, still cut-
ting away at the log. I had seen him
under different emotions, standing the
strain of varied trials, but never before
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
had I been afforded the opportunity to
admire him in the exercise of the
muscles of industry. And, although a
detective, I hold with the great political
economists that we owe all our wealth
to the industry of others; and whenever
I see a man at work, be he statesman or
hodcarrier, a feeling of enjoyment rip-
ples up my back like refreshing water on
a hot day. And how much a great man
can perform in a short time when he con-
sents to labor! We all know the story
of the workingman who left his pick
hanging in the air when the six-o'clock
whistle startled the echoes of the dying
afternoon. His time was up, and noth-
ing could have induced him to complete
the blow. But with a great man it is
otherwise. The sounding of the whistle
makes but little difference to him. He
is looking at the work to be done rather
than at the time.
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"Is your knife holding out all right?"
says the considerate kidnaper.
"Reasonably well," says Theodore,
never for a moment finding fault with the
tool which conditions had offered him.
"I have a reasonably good Barlow you
may try when that one gives out."
"Oh, thank you," says Theodore, "but
keep that, please. I shall use it after a
while to cut your throat with. It would
be a good joke to sever your jugular
with your own knife."
"Yes, and I will take the joke when I
give you the opportunity. But I waste
time. I neglect business. We have other
enterprises on hand. We have our plans
laid for the kidnaping of other great
men. You didn't know that we had
Billy Mason once, I suppose?"
"No," says Theodore, "I never heard
of it."
"But perhaps your friend in there, the
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VICE. PRESIDENT
detective, can tell you something about
it."
"If he can it will be the first infor-
mation I ever have been able to get
out of him."
"Then he understands his business.
But we had Billy once."
"Did he raise the ransom?"
"No. We couldn't make him under-
stand that he was kidnaped. He thought
he was in the Senate Chamber, speaking
on an important matter-persisted in
telling us funny stories, and we were.
forced to let him go. Even a kidnaper
takes life seriously at times, and Billy's
levity distressed me so that I couldn't
hold him any longer. One word more
before I go. A man in public life should
have had varied experiences, and this
imprisonment will give the finishing
touches to your education."
"And the final touches to your rich
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ADVENTURES OF A
deservings
- death," says Theodore,
again whetting his knife on his boot.
The kidnaper went away, whistling o'er
the lea, and for a long time we labored
in silence. When we left off for refresh-
ments it was with satisfaction that we
estimated that two-thirds of the difficulty
had been cut away. While we were eat-
ing, the bear came and looked in upon
us, smiling grimly. I reached for my
gun, for I knew that he couldn't get at
me, but Theodore placed a restraining
hand on my arm and told me to desist.
"Let him alone and perhaps he may eat
up our captor," says he.
"But in that event we'd starve to death
in here," says I, with a burst of inspira-
tion, and Theodore complimented me.
"We learn from children, drunken men
and fools," says he, smiling upon me.
The bear smiled, too, and for a time
they stood trying to outsmile each other,
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VICE ·
PRESIDENT
but finally the bear shook his head and
got down out of sight. Then he climbed
upon the low roof of our prison and
stretched himself out for a nap. He
must have eaten something that weighed
heavily upon him, for he snored distress-
fully.
"Here, up there, stop that!" Theo-
dore shouted. "If there's anything that
jars me it is a snore." But the bear kept
on, and we bent ourselves to our work.
When evening came we sat down to a
well-earned rest. How delightful is rest
when you feel that you
have merited it!
At such a time we look upon a blister in
the hand as a badge of honor, but even
honors pall on us after a while. The
bear finished his long nap, came off the
roof, stuck his nose in at our little win-
dow, smiled and was gone. I felt that I
had earned a night of sound sleep, and
after bread and water it was my desire
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ADVENTURES OF A
to stretch myself out, but Theodore said
that, as we were in a sort of rush, I was
expected to work overtime. So, by the
light of the lantern, we resumed our un-
finished task. And I shall never forget
our hero's laugh of victory as we struck
the bark on the other side of the log.
"The light ought to be shining
through from without," says Theodore.
"But I suppose it's too dark. Hold the
lantern closer."
He worked faster and faster, and sud-
denly fell back with a cry of anguish.
Between two log walls was a partition of
sheet iron. I could but groan as I gazed
at it.
"Fate is against us," says Theodore.
"Why does fate so often array herself on
the side of the wrongdoer? Now, I know
why that infernal bear smiled so. But
he shall pay for it. Come, we waste
precious time. Perhaps the sheet iron
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VICE. PRESIDENT
may not go all the way up. Let us cut
higher."
"It is worse than useless," say I, clasp-
ing my blistered hands.
"What, discouraged? And now when
victory seems so near?"
I told him that I was not greedy of
conquest. I admitted that I was enter-
prising; that I was also a man of discern-
ment, but that I could not see my way
through iron.
"Short sighted," muttered Theodore,
whetting his knife. "Sir," says he, "suc-
cess in this life is a reward lying at the
end of a rocky road. Even a detective
ought to know that."
I replied that I did know it, but that
I was not ambitious. "Remember," says
I, "that I am not a statesman."
"Then do you expect to stay in here
like a rat?"
"I wish I could burrow out like one."
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"Ah," says Theodore, brightening,
"there is a good suggestion. We will
burrow. The foundation can't be very
deep, and even frozen ground can be cut."
I
So we went to work, chipping off thin
flakes of frozen earth, and along toward
morning we struck a solid rock. This
time it was our hero who groaned.
was past the point of any emotion what-
ever. Upon the ground we stretched
ourselves, and refreshing and well-
merited sleep closed our eyes. The dull
morning broke with a heavy fog pour-
ing through our window. Theodore
strove to smile, but the effort was too
much for him. We waited for our vis-
itor, the bear, but he did not come.
However, along toward ten o'clock, the
kidnaper tapped on the wall.
"I have a fountain pen and some very
fine tinted paper here," says he. "Now,
perhaps you feel like writing."
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VICE .
PRESIDENT
"That I do," says Theodore, "provided
it were the signing of your death war-
rant."
"Romantic, even unto the last," says
the kidnaper. "But don't you feel dis-
posed, in view of difficulties which beset
you, sheet iron and solid rock-I say,
don't you feel disposed to write me an
order for four hundred thousand dollars
in gold coin?"
"I will give you the order if you will
set us at liberty."
"Oh, that's advancement. But I can-
not set you at liberty until the order is
honored. That would be against the
best interests and the positive order of
the kidnaping trust. But give me the
order and I will see that you are made
comfortable until we find out."
"But suppose it should not be hon-
ored."
"Then we should be compelled to put
out your eyes."
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ADVENTURES OF A
"Well, I could stand that."
"Could you? Then we would pull
your teeth to rob you of your smile."
Theodore groaned.
wretch," he muttered.
"Heartless
"You see," says the kidnaper, "that
you have every inducement to make the
order strong."
"Say, can't
you cut the price in two?"
says Theodore, with a momentary gleam
of hope in his bright eyes.
"Lower prices! What are trusts for?"
"I am beginning to feel what they are
for," says Theodore, "and the time may
come when I can influence legislation
against them."
"Oh, I don't know as to that," pleas-
antly replied the kidnaper. "It might
have seemed so once, but times have
changed."
"What's the news?" says Theodore,
after a moment of deep thought.
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VICE .
PRESIDENT
"Well, our brothers in New York, the
trusts, are giving ten-thousand-dollar
dinners."
"Are they? But tell me, is Dr. Har-
per pulling Rockefeller's leg to advan-
tage?"
"The doctor is ever an advantageous
puller," says the kidnaper. "But you
must know that he is a public benefactor.
He is like a circus-the money he gets
could be got in no other way. A monu-
ment to vanity may become a temple of
learning, you know."
"What a political spellbinder you
would make," says Theodore. "Before
I go away from here I wish you would
give me your address.'
"When you go away you won't need
addresses."
"Reassuring," says Theodore. "But
say, why don't you go and get Benjamin
Harrison and shut him up?"
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ADVENTURES OF A
"He has appointments with the peace
commission when he comes out of his
cave of discontent. And I am a man of
peace. I don't believe in wars-all I
believe in is the trust.'
99
"Well," says Theodore, "I suppose all
I can do now is to give myself over to
Providence."
"Why, that's exactly what the trusts
are doing, and every time they do prices
go up. The trusts believe that they have
a corner on the mercies of Providence."
"Blasphemous wretch," muttered
Theodore.
"Well, but doesn't it seem that way?"
Theodore was forced to admit that it
did. But he added that a day of reck-
oning was coming. "Yes," says the kid-
naper, "and it has been coming ever
since the world began, but it hasn't got
here yet. By the way, I have another
piece of news. The literati has met Mme.
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VICE @
PRESIDENT
Bernhardt at the house of Fernando
Jones, in Chicago. The Twentieth Cen-
tury Club did the honors."
"Who are the literati?" says Theodore.
"Why, those who don't write and don't
care for what has been written. I
thought you knew that."
"And were there no writers at the re-
ception?"
"Yes; the reporters stood on the back
steps."
"I think I was once entertained by the
Twentieth Century Club," says Theo-
dore. "And, as I remember it, there
were many bright minds present."
"Yes, for most of the members sell
polish. A number of the ladies speak
French as well as they do Irish."
"And did Mme. Bernhardt understand
them?"
"Oh, perfectly. She had her inter-
preter with her."
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"Ah, but this is idle persiflage," says
Theodore, a consciousness of his cap-
tivity weighing heavily upon him. "I
must get out of here."
"Then you are ready to write?"
"Sir, I have been accounted a ready
writer. I studied the compendium, and
am acquainted with nearly all forms, but
the kidnaping form was not in my book."
"Then you must give me the pleasure
of originating a form for you. But you
are aweary now. Lie down to peaceful
slumbers and I may call again soon."
And with that he took himself off, leav-
ing us to nurse our loneliness.
But he was a kind and obliging kid-
naper, and returned not long afterward,
seeming to take an interest in our work.
"What decision have you come to," he
inquired, rubbing his back against a cor-
ner of the cabin and muttering some-
thing about blessings on the Duke of
Argyle.
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VICE PRESIDENT
"I am where you left me," says Theo-
dore, with a sigh that did not escape my
detective ears.
"I can well believe that," says the kid-
naper, leaving off the ancient Scotch
diversion of scratching his back. "And
it does not require any particular fore-
sight to assure you that you are likely to
stay there unless you come to terms."
"I care nothing for your opinions,"
says Theodore. "What I want is news.
You forget that I am an American."
"Well," says our outside entertainer,
"as I have not been connected long
enough with the trust to become wholly
inhuman, I will oblige you. Poor old
man Carnegie has been frozen out of the
steel combine."
"You don't tell me! And how much
did he find with him out in the cold?"
"Oh, about eighty-five millions-for
a part of his holdings."
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"Poor old man," sighed Theodore.
"His was a gentle spirit. What is he
going to do for a living now?"
"He would go to a Soldier's Home, I
suppose, but he was only a telegrapher
during the civil war. But surely his
friends won't see him suffer-he has
given them so much good advice. And
now he says that a man ought to marry
a woman at least twenty years older than
himself."
"Oh, generous advocate of the old
ladies' home. But why didn't he say
forty years older and give the ballet girl
a chance? Now for your other news.
I pant!"
"Well, the Czar has made the Presi-
dent a present of an album containing
pictures of his coronation."
"Oh, generous monarch! And what
did Mac say?"
'Much obliged, Czarie. I'll send you
158

VICE .
PRESIDENT
some views taken along the Little
Miami,' which may be worth more to
art if not to history."
"Kidnaper, I thank you for that senti-
ment. But what else have you?"
"Mrs. Nation has visited Chicago."
"Who, Mrs. Helen D. Nation?"
"Oh, no; Mrs. Carrie Nation."
"What did she do?"
"Snatched a cigarette out of a man's
mouth, and made a saloonkeeper put
clothes on a nude figure."
"And where was Carter Harrison all
this time?"
"Dodging. But she found him at a
ball and asked him to give her his confi-
dence."
"Why didn't she ask Kipley to give
her one of his confidence men?
on, I prithee."
But go
"She asked Carter if he ever lied."
"And what did he do?"
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"Bowed and blushed for the city hall."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, Chicago will make an effort to
grab off the Olympic games."
"Why doesn't it make an effort to get
rid of its other games?"
"I beg your pardon, but the political
trusts and all trusts are kin-assure
the world that there is no gambling in
that city. Ask your detective."
"There is none," I spoke up brightly,
true to my training.
"Anything more?" says Teddy, with
his face pressed eagerly against the wall.
"Yes. Chicago is about to solve the
question that confronts the unem-
ployed."
"How so?"
"By expelling them from the city."
"But how can this be done?"
"By providing work for them. This
would be dead wrong-it would interfere
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VICE. PRESIDENT
with the design of sweet and blessed
charity. Charity says, 'If you give them
work there will be no excuse for my vast
machinery. If you break up my bureau
you cut off the salaries of good and true
men, who sit so gracefully and comfort-
ably asleep at their desks. They them-
selves might be compelled to work for
a living, and that would be a shame.
The money that they receive might be
devoted to cleaning the streets, and that
would be an outrage.' But time speeds.
I must go," and with that he left us.
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D
CHAPTER XI
RIDING THE BEAR
URING the rest of the day and
until bedtime that night Theo-
dore was more depressed than I
had ever seen him. Even the strongest
heart must grow faint after a while,
when hope seems to be but mockery. He
sat with his back against the wall and
talked of the past; he said that he would
like to write his memoirs, and this
proved to me that indeed he considered
our case as one of abject despair. And
to think that at one time years ago I had
been tolerant of a kidnaper! I remem-
ber it well. 'Twas on a summer's eve-
ning when the cry arose that a boy had
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VICE @
PRESIDENT
been stolen. There was great excite-
ment, as I pushed through a crowd of
mothers in the street, but I told them to
take heart. Over in an adjoining lot, I
found a man, a bearded tramp, who
had grabbed a boy. The tramp had
liberated the boy, and the youth,
unappreciative of his freedom, was
standing off viewing the kidnaper
as he drank a can of beer. I
arrested the scoundrel and struck him
only three times with my club-I was
not a plain-clothes man then, but one of
the uniformed force; and did not hit him
again until we arrived at the station,
when I gave him another swat by way
of a parting salute. Many another man
would have treated him harshly, but I
was always tender-hearted. But what
did it avail me now that I was shut up,
far from home and from friends, whom
I owed small sums ranging from fifty
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ADVENTURES OF A
cents to ten dollars? Alas, in my great
time of need, there was none to show me
mercy!
Theodore dozed off to sleep where he
sat, too despondent even to lie down, and
I sat there watching the lantern as it
winked and sputtered on the ground be-
side him. At his feet, where it had fallen
from his discouraged hand, lay his well-
worn knife, last remnant of his determi
nation. Hours passed. What would
not I have given to hear the ticking of a
clock! The universal enemy of sleep,
the cat on the back fence, would now
have been a joy to me. But I heard
nothing save the distant howl of a wild
beast and the wailing of the wind deep
down in a gulch. Finally there came
another sound, now grown familiar, that
of the bear climbing to rest on our roof.
I was becoming so accustomed to him
that I could read all his movements by
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
the noises he made. Now he was yawn-
ing, now scratching himself, now stretch-
ing out to sleep. The hours continued
to pass and Theodore was sleeping
peacefully. Occasionally his forefinger
would twitch, as if he were working a
trigger. Ah, he was dreaming of inno-
cent conquest among the wild beasts of
the forest. "Dream on," I said. "Sip
your pleasures in sleep, for all too soon
there will come an awakening, when
your too restless spirit again will fret un-
der the power of the kidnaping trust."
Suddenly heleaped to his feet with a loud
laugh. I thought he was still dreaming,
but with wide open eyes he turned to me
and said: "Fools that we were!"
"Yes, to come in here," I admitted.
"No; not to get out. Look, we have
cartridges. We can unload them, stuff
this hole in the wall with the powder and
blow up our prison."
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"But won't that be dangerous?" I
asked, and then he spoke in tones of sup-
pressed contempt: "Oh, of course.
It
is dangerous to breathe, to eat, and to
sleep. It is dangerous to do anything."
But he softened toward me and contin-
ued: "Come, pour out your cartridges,
and get to work. It is better to blow
ourselves up than to have our eyes put
out, although such a condition might
improve your efficiency as a detective."
His sarcasm nerved me, and I fell to
work with a will. Unloading brass
cartridges is not an easy job. The bul
lets were in tight, but Theodore's won-
derful teeth now came into practical
play, for he bit them out like biting
corn off the cob. And by the time
a pale shaft of daylight
our window, we had
fell through
almost a hat
full of powder. That there should
be no possibility of waste, he thrust
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VICE ❤
PRESIDENT
the hat-my hat-into the hole and
then packed earth and chips tightly
about it. Ah, how devotedly he labored
now. An inventor, about to reach a
climax, could not have exceeded him.
"I hope the kidnaper will reach here
about the time we touch her off," says
Theodore, ramming in a handful of
earth.
"The bear is asleep on the roof now,"
says
I.
"Is he? Then we will wake him up;
for after all it was he that got us into
this trap. Dig up some more dirt there
and hand it to me. Ah, we couldn't
have made a better hole for a blow-up
if we had tried. I wonder why we didn't
think of it sooner. But no matter, we
have thought of it and will soon be at
liberty, I promise you."
"But, as I said before, it will be at-
tended by a good deal of risk," says I,
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ADVENTURES OF A
watching him as he neared the comple
tion of his task.
"That's true. One of us may be
killed."
"But which one? That's the question."
He halted a moment and looked at
me. "Why, you, of course. You must
know that in such cases the mortality is
rarely more than fifty per cent."
"But isn't it possible for you to repre-
sent, that fifty per cent?"
"I refuse to accept revised figures,"
says he, resuming his work, upon which
he was now putting the finishing touches.
I was afraid of the thing. I was down
on the drainage canal once and saw a
number of men, all strangers to me, sail-
ing through the air, and I remember
thinking at the time that they were go-
ing to have a hard time of it, and they
did. Little did I suppose that I should
ever emulate their awful example. But
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VICE -
PRESIDENT
that time was now approaching. Theo
dore was tearing a strip from his hand-
kerchief, of which "to make a fuse," he
pleasantly remarked. It was now broad
day and I heard the twitter of a bird,
doubtless the last I should ever hear.
Through my mind there swept a host of
memories, of reward money I had re-
ceived for nabbing the wrong man, and
of a ballot box I had seen stolen on the
West Side. But it was now too late to
repent of anything done in the past. The
fuse was smoking, and what a scent, that
burning rag! Theodore crouched down
in one corner and I in another.
"It takes a long time," says he, grow-
ing impatient.
"There is no time so long as that which
is poised on the edge of eternity," says
I, remembering that I had seen the epi-
grams of the Rev. Frank Crane.
"I wish that thing didn't smell so,"
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ADVENTURES OF A
says Theodore. "I like to smell pow-
der, but a little of burnt rag goes a long
ways. Listen, did you hear that bear
sneeze?"
"I can hear nothing now, save the
beating of my own heart," says I.
"Well, perhaps it won't disturb you
long," says he. And then-and then-
with logs and fragments of wood whirl-
ing about me, I was sailing through the
vibrating air! There came the sound of
the explosion, far below. It was a bright
morning and I looked about for Theo-
dore, but could not make him out, there
were so many obstructions. I won-
dered how I was to get down with-
out hurting myself. Oh, how I wished
for an elevator. But now, having
reached my height, I was falling, faster
and faster, and down I came in a snow
drift. I scrambled out and looked about
to see if I were hurt; I felt of myself and
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/

VICE PRESIDENT
finding that I was all right, complimented
myself. But where was Theodore? And
now a thrilling sight rewarded my search.
Not far off was our hero, galloping
across the country on the back of old Sir
Billy, holding on by his ears. He had
come down astride the bear, and being
a man of quick decision, had decided to
ride him. I forgot my fear of the great
beast and yelled out to Theodore to wait
a moment; he heard me, and pulled hard
on Sir Billy's ears, but there was no
slacking of his headlong speed. I fol-
lowed on as fast as I could, fearful of the
result while rejoicing in my freedom;
but they soon passed out of sight over
a great crest of rocks, bounding toward
a cliff. If the bear should take this leap,
I knew that it would be fatal not only to
himself but to Theodore, as well; and I
halted long enough to pour forth a groan
on the cool and invigorating air. But
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ADVENTURES OF A
not.
while following, let me observe that the
kidnaper was not there to share in the
explosion. I would like to say that he
was killed by a flying timber, but he was
Truth compels me to say that he is
still alive and doing a thriving business
for all I know. I put an advertisement
in the Denver newspapers, but nothing
came of this, my strong effort to bring
him to justice.
As I was nearing the cliff my heart
bounded at the sight of Theodore, sitting
on a rock, with his eagle eye fixed on
the unfamiliar sun.
"Good morning," says he, as I came
up. "I hope you had a good night's
rest." And then his old smile illumined
his countenance. He told me that the
bear had run under a hanging rock that
scraped him off. "But never mind,"
says he, "I will get him yet."
"But don't you think that we ought
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VICE •
PRESIDENT
to make it our business to look for that
kidnaper?" says I, being hot against our
captor.
"My dear boy," he says, affectionately,
"there are some things you don't seem
to understand. We are at liberty, and
that is enough. Do you suppose we can
afford to bring all the trusts in the coun-
try down upon us? Let him alone now,
and I will see if there can be any legis-
lation introduced against him. Personal
vengeance is below the dignity of a
statesman. I am a hunter of animals
and not of men."
I did not agree with him. Man-hunt-
ing was my business, and as I before
mentioned, I strove to find him with an
advertisement.
Now, with light hearts, we tripped
down the scaly mountain sides toward
our camp, expecting from what the kid-
naper had told us to find it deserted; but
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ADVENTURES OF A
he had issued a false statement, for there
were the Rough Writers in our cabin,
making themselves at home. Theodore
greeted them pleasantly, and then we
were shown the reports that they had
sent off during our absence. It seems
that never did they even suspect our
captivity. Once they trailed a telegraph
wire within a hundred feet of our prison,
but halted not, pushing on to report the
number of lions slain. I asked Theo-
dore if he did not intend to rest during
the day, and he winked at me as much
as to tell me to hush, that such a thing
was impossible. We did not tell the
Writers of our captor, nor of blowing up
the prison. Theodore said he did not
want them to send off sensational re-
ports.
"Get ready to go with me," said Theo-
dore, after we had eaten a bite. "I must
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VICE. PRESIDENT
have that bear or the whole thing will
be but a failure."
"You had him once," said I.
"Yes; and if I had thought to take my
knife up with me all might have been
different. But get ready. We waste
time."
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ADVENTURES OF A
I
CHAPTER XII
LOST AGAIN
WAS in hopes that our trials, which
Theodore called adventures, were at
an end, but such was not quite the
case. I was anxious to get home, and
told him so. He replied: "What are
your duties compared with mine? I in-
formed you that I could not preside over
the Senate, knowing that Sir Billy still
roamed at large, and now you remind
me of your duties." I apologized and told
him to lead on, that I would follow; and
again we struck out in search of the bear.
The telegraph followed at an unobtru-
sive distance, the weather was fair, and
176

VICE PRESIDENT
all seemed well. Theodore whistled
merrily as he strode up the trail, our
mules close behind. They had found
their way home during our captivity.
Indeed, it was their habit to find their
way back to camp whenever they got a
sniff of Sir Billy.
We returned to the place where the
log house had been blown to atoms, and
Theodore, who is contemplative as well
as active, sat down and mused for a time.
"This is the scene of one of the most re-
markable events in the recent history of
this country," said he, "and I want to
fasten it upon my memory.
I was
about to forget it and happily arrived
here in time to avert such a loss. But
I charge you, do not exaggerate in your
report of it."
"That is not likely, sir, for I am not
a trained writer."
"True," says Theodore, warmly press-
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ADVENTURES OF A
ing my hand. And then after deep
thought he added: "I have been forced
to decide that it is useless to try that
bear with a gun."
"I would advise poison," said I, look-
ing at him with strong appeal.
"Do you take me for an assassin?" says
he, seeming to regret that he had pressed
my hand.
"Oh, not at all, sir; but I thought it
was his demise you were after."
"It is; but he must be killed in a fair
fight. Do you think there is any prowess
in poisoning a bear?"
I admitted that I did not. "Come,"
says he, "we waste precious time."
Onward we went, up into a part of the
mountains which as yet we had not ex-
plored, and at noon sat down to refresh-
ments. Just as Theodore lifted a bottle
to his lips it was dashed to pieces by a
panther that leaped at him from a high
178

VICE •
PRESIDENT
rock. The brute ran off a short distance
to get another start, and was crouching
for a spring, when Theodore, catching up
his gun, remarked: "Impolite beast, take
the consequences of your rashness!"
and with that the rifle cracked. The
panther weighed three hundred pounds,
and yielded one of the finest skins I ever
saw.
We entered a steep gulch and were
climbing upward at a fair rate of speed,
when we discovered that our immediate
progress was blocked by a drove of lions.
For nearly half an hour we pumped our
magazines, and then came the toilsome
work of climbing over the dead. Being
freshly killed and therefore yielding, the
beasts were hard to walk over. One of
them, not being quite dead, bit off the
heel of Theodore's boot, but he took it
in good part and cut the lion's throat.
At last we were up in the highest grade,
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ADVENTURES OF A
and it was with difficulty that I
could breathe, but Theodore didn't
mind it. He whistled, and sang, and
shot a panther that he saw skulk-
ing in the distance. But night came
with no traces of the bear, and we
turned camp-ward, when again.
again we
discovered that we were lost. "If
you hear the scream of a panther, the
grunt of a bear, or any other sound, don't
follow it," says I. "Remember
trap."
Our
"You are growing strangely cautious,"
says he, listening.
"I am growing wise if you call that
caution."
"I will agree to see you safe within
the smoky precincts of the detective
agency," says he, with a touch of protec-
tion in his manly voice. "Suppose we
camp here."
We rolled up in our blankets and com-
180

NOTHING OF NOTE HAPPENED
DURING THE NIGHT.
Page 181


VICE -
PRESIDENT
posed ourselves for sleep, and nothing
of note happened during the night. Once
a lion stole up and blew his hot breath
in my face; at another time a panther
socked his teeth into Theodore's boot,
and ran away with his blanket; an
avalanche of snow came down and cov-
ered us to the extent of about ten feet;
but aside from these petty annoyances
the night was as pleasant and eventless
for sleeping purposes as we could have
desired. Early in the morning Theo-
dore killed three lions and then struck
out in a westerly direction. At about
nine o'clock we sighted a flock of Rocky
Mountain goats. They were amusing
themselves by leaping off a bluff nearly a
thousand feet high and lighting on their
horns, bounding up with astonishing
elasticity. One of them bounced over
near us and we made a fine meal off him,
the flesh being tender and juicy. Shortly
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ADVENTURES OF A
afterward I saw an animal that did not
excite my fear, although it was most un-
familiar to me until I tried to catch it-
then Theodore commanded me to go
off somewhere and bury my clothes. I
told him that the weather was too cold
to strip.
"Then go and bury yourself," he said
through his nose. "Don't come near
Stand up yonder and let the wind.
me.
blow on you."
I did so, while he waited in the dis-
tance. And as I stood there I heard a
great scratching upon the rocks, and
looking around with a start, I saw the
bear climbing after me. I shouted in
alarm, and just then a fortunate breeze
from me struck Six Billy and he tumbled
off the rock, sniffing the air distressfully,
and was gone. Theodore soon forgot
my perfumery in his anxiety to reach the
bear, which he could not-for he was
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VICE PRESIDENT
gone; and I think that our hero was
mortified to reflect that even I, a modest
detective, had power enough to frighten
the lord of the mountains. But I as-
sured him, as he must have known very
well, that it was no unaided force of my
own.
Night found us still following the bear,
but as we were now near the camp, we
decided to turn in. I was thankful for
this, having a cheerful fire in view; and
I enjoyed it all to myself, Theodore
choosing to sleep in the shed with the
Rough Writers. But by morning I was
presentable-I mean endurable, and
cheerfully we set out over the moun-
tains. The Writers did not follow us,
however, and Theodore, turning to me,
said: "So, you see, everything is of some
use."
"Yes," says I; "and I hope you will
forgive me."
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ADVENTURES OF A
"I will; but when you see another one
of those little animals, let your invitation
to visit another neighborhood be very
pressing."
"Did you ever encounter one, sir?"
"Once. It was during my gallant
days on the plains. The night was beau-
tiful. There was to be a ball in the dance
hall at Blue Nose. I was on my way
thither. My horse was an easy trotter,
my health was perfect, and nothing more
could be desired. Suddenly something
gleamed in the moonlight in front of
me. The horse stopped, stiffened his
ears, and snorted. I touched him with
the spur and he jumped straight up.
This was singular. What, afraid of so
little a thing as the white and black ani-
mal that gleamed and darkened in the
road? I touched him harder with the spur.
He leaped to one side. The little animal
sat down in the road with the moon
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VICE. PRESIDENT
full upon him. His eyes looked like two
sparks of fire. 'Beautiful creature,' I
said to myself; and the horse shuddered.
I was to dance the first set with Miss
Magnolia Knockknee, a charming half
breed. I remembered to have heard her
express a fondness for pets. I would
take this one to her and present it with
a graceful bow. So I dismounted and
strove to lead the horse toward the little
animal, but he pulled back, with his eyes
rolling. With the toe of my boot I as-
sisted him to come forward a few feet,
and then, when it was too late, it was
plain that I had gone too far. Cooper
wrote about the awful outcry of a horse.
I never heard it until that night, when my
poor sorrel sat down on his haunches,
lifted his grinning lips and poured forth
upon the still air a wail the like of which
I hope never to hear again. I couldn't
cry-I was choking. Well, the horse
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ADVENTURES OF A
broke loose from me and ran away, and
after shaking myself, and pouring over
my clothes a bottle of perfumery which
I was taking as a present to a colored
fiddler, I pronounced myself all right,
and set forward again. As I went down
the hill toward the dance hall the twang
of tuning fiddles fell upon my keen and
sensitive ear. They were making ready,
and I pushed forward to be in time for
the first set with Miss Magnolia. The
door was opening. I could see the flut-
tering of soft drapery. I stepped in,
with a sweeping bow, and a red-haired
boy cried out, 'Oh, gee whiz!' And then
all was changed. There may have been
a dance that night, but I did not partici-
pate. But what have we here?"
It was a great pile of raw flesh and
fresh bones. A mule train had been
demolished, and by that bear, too; for
he had left his tracks in the blood.
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VICE PRESIDENT
Pretty soon a professional mule driver
stuck his head from under a rock and
asked us if he were gone.
"Come out," says Theodore. "I will
protect you."
The man came out, looking pale and
worn with fright. He told us that he
was going along peacefully with his four
mules, when down upon them all came
the bear, like a storm of teeth, claws and
grizzly hair. Flight was worse than use-
less on his part, so he slipped under a
rock. The mules were less fortunate.
They had to stand the storm, and the
manner of their standing it was sad to
behold.
"I am out now looking for that bear,"
says Theodore.
The driver's face turned yellow.
"Surely, sir," says he, "you don't know
what you are looking for. I would
rather meet the day of judgment than
187

ADVENTURES OF A
that fellow.
Did you ever see him?"
"I rode with him quite a distance
once," says Theodore, "but there was no
formal introduction. Was this your
first meeting with him?"
"No; I met him once before, or rather
he tried to meet me, and would have
done it, too, but I got under a rock. He
sat down and waited for me to come out,
his size preventing him from coming in,
but I stayed there until the monster's
appetite compelled him to go below and
attack a wagon train."
"Your language betrays the school,"
says Theodore, and the driver smiled
sadly. "You see, sir," says he, "a col-
lege remnant of a club of base ball play-
ers. Once they put me in a wagon and
hauled me about the streets, with music
by the band and flowers strewn by fair
maidens, but alas! When base ball died
my knowledge of chemistry assured me
188

VICE-PRESIDENT
a position at a soda fountain, near an in-
stitution of learning, but they accused
me of poisoning a professor of Greek-"
"And so you were compelled to re-
sign."
"Yes; when they failed to prove it on
me they demanded my resignation. Af-
ter that, of course, my grade was lower.
And on my way down I wrote a society
novel. One more step remained, that
taken, I found myself driving mules in
the mountains."
We bade him farewell and pushed on-
ward. Night came without further ad-
venture, except that a man shot at us by
mistake, clipping off a lock of Theodore's
hair. "Permit me to apologize and to
keep this," said the man, stooping down
and picking up the short, wavy tress.
"With my compliments," says Theo-
dore, and again we went onward. We
should have slept well that night had it
189

ADVENTURES OF A
not been for another avalanche, and this
disturbed us somewhat, burying us to
the depth of about eighteen feet four
inches. We dug out by sunrise and, af-
ter eating a bit of frozen meat, set for-
ward with rising spirits. I think it must
have been about noon when, far above,
old Sir Billy stood looking down upon
us. The air was clear and we could see
him plainly. His tuft of red hair caught`
the sun and flamed in the light. At the
prison window he had smiled at us, but
now he wore a frowning countenance.
Theodore set his teeth. He knew, and
so did I, that the great contest was about
to begin.
"He will come after us," says our hero.
"Even if we should try ever so hard,
escape would be impossible. We must
fight, or rather I must, for you are to
have no hand in the slaughter. The vic-
tory over him must belong to me alone.
190

VICE PRESIDENT
I will hang his skin behind my chair in
the Senate. Mark, he is coming. Get
over there behind that rock." I scram-
bled to a place of comparative safety.
Unless Theodore should fall, I might re-
main unnoticed. On he came, with his
great mouth open. Theodore stood with
his gun in his hand and with a long knife
under his arm. It was a majestic sight.
When the bear came within one hundred
yards of his stand, Theodore opened a
steady and well-directed fire. But the ter-
rific onrush of the bear was not impeded.
Undoubtedly he was proof against the
force of lead. "Agamemnon of his race,"
muttered Theodore, with admiration in
his eye, but with never a sign of fear.
How the brave admire the brave! On-
ward came the bear, cutting short the dis-
tance with great bounds, spitting out
mouthfuls of bullets as he leaped. One
might have thought that he was immor-
191

ADVENTURES OF A
tal as well as inhuman. And now
trembling seized me. "Stop that!" cries
Theodore. "You will bring an avalanche
down upon us and spoil it all." Seek-
ing to calm myself, I took a pull from a
bottle. "I wish I had time to take some
of that, but I am busy now," says Theo-
dore, throwing aside his impotent rifle
and grasping his knife. The bear made
a great lunge. I shut my eyes. And
then I found myself unable to move. We
were all covered by an avalanche. I dug
out as fast as I could, and when I reached
the surface, there stood Theodore.
"Where's that bear?" he demanded im-
periously.
"You had him last," says I.
"You may well say that I had him.
But he is gone. A rock rolled between
me and him, and when I dug over it he
was not there. Is it possible that at last
he has turned coward? Follow me!"
192

VICE PRESIDENT
I implored him for an hour's rest.
"Rest," says he, with contempt in his
voice, "what have you been doing? Come
with me or I will report your ineffi-
ciency."
This threat nerved me and I followed
him, but during the long hours we saw
no sign of our enemy, and at last we were
forced to return to the camp.
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ADVENTURES OF A
T
CHAPTER XIII
LIKE A FAIRY TALE
HE Rough Writers left off their
card game to gather about us and
ask for news, but Theodore as-
sured them that there was none. "Just
as we expected," said the chief of the
scribes. "But no matter, we have al-
ready sent in our daily report."
That night, beside the cabin fire, Theo-
dore was sadder than I had ever seen
him. He seemed more depressed than
on the last night of our imprisonment.
He had received a dispatch urging him
to come at once to Washington. "It is
almost impossible i acquaint Mac with
194

VICE PRESIDENT
the gravity of this situation," says he,
with his eyes fixed upon the fire. But I
am going to have that bear."
"Do you think, in view of all that has
happened, that it is quite possible for you
to get him?" says I, dodging as he looked
up at me.
"If you were other than a detective I
should mutter, 'fool that you are," says
he, and fell into silence.
An old man, one of the early pioneers,
came in to visit us. And it was not long
before he began to talk of Sir Billy. "I
have known that bear going on twenty-
five years this coming spring," says he,
looking back into the past, "and nobody
has ever killed him yet. An old Gipsy
woman used to tell us that he repre-
sented the spirits of all the grizzlies that
had been slain, and that if he were ever
killed, the remaining bears would not
fight but give in, all of them. She said
195

ADVENTURES OF A
that his death would mean the extinction
of the race."
"Then I have been appointed to bring
this about," says Theodore.
"Did the old woman mention that
fact?"
"No; she didn't say that anybody was
to kill him.'
99
"Then she didn't know her business,
that's all there is to her."
"She wasn't the only one that seemed
to know all about him," says the old
man. "An old Indian woman, the grand-
mother of Slit Ear, the chief, told us
about him. She said that he was the
great spirit of all bears, and that he had
existed for thousands of years. She said
he had slain all the animals whose bones
are found in the rocks.'
""
"That's a very pretty story," says
Theodore. "Go on."
"She said," continued the old man,
πρό

VICE •
PRESIDENT
stroking his white beard, "that there was
once a great prize fight between this bear
and a mighty mastodon.'
"Prize fight!" exclaimed Theodore.
"Now do you interest me much. Go
on."
"The mountains were new in those
days," says the old man. "They had
just raised up out of the marsh, and it
was a dispute among the animals as to
who should own them. The mastodons,
and all the thing-o-ma-jig things with
long names and tails, swore that the new
land was theirs by right of being there
first, but along comes the grizzly and
declared that he was there as soon as
anybody, beating the sunrise by about
seven points. This raised a great laugh
among the animals sunning themselves
on the rocks, so the fight was arranged.
There was a mighty crowd on the day of
battle. The mastodon came up, laugh-
197

ADVENTURES OF A
ing to himself, and then along came the
grizzly, looking pleased but modest.
The fight began about high noon and
lasted till nearly sunset. The mastodon,
every one allowed, bore himself bravely,
but the bear was too much for him.
There was a great wailing in the moun-
tains that night, for all the mastodons
and dinosaurs and lizard things knew
that their day was past. And so it was,
for on the following morning the great
bear went out and slew the whole kit of
them. This old woman said that these
truths were revealed to her, and she was
willing to swear to them before a justice
of the peace. And now what do you
think?"
"I think that I am more than ever de-
termined to kill him," says Theodore.
"For look," says he, "if it hadn't been
for him, we would have had great game
in the Rockies."
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VICE PRESIDENT
I went to sleep, leaving Theodore and
the old pioneer still talking, and when I
awoke the sun was shining. Theodore
was already up and dressed. "This day
shall see the finish of it all," says he.
"Get what provisions you can, for I am
not coming back till this prolonged con-
test is at an end." I saw by his counte-
nance that he meant what he said,
and accordingly I cooked eight days'
rations.
"And there is something else to be at-
tended to," said Theodore. "We must
take mules enough to haul him in.
29
"You don't appear to have any doubt
as to the result," says I, stuffing bread
into a bag.
"None in the least. The die is finally
cast. My only fear is that he may evade
me. But no, he has confidence. He is
game. He must know that his time is
bound to come, and I think he would
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ADVENTURES OF A
rather yield his spirit to me than to any
one else."
The mules must have had an inkling
of what we wanted with them, for they
kicked and bit at each other and at me
as they were led forth. A short distance
from the camp we met the soda-water
scholar and invited him to go along to
conduct the mule train, but he shook his
head sadly and refused. "Good-bye," he
says to me. "I may never see you
again." I felt somewhat nettled at his
singling me out, but said nothing, only
that I was pleased to bid him farewell.
And now once more, and for the last
time, I believed, we were on the march
against Sir Billy. I did not believe that
Theodore could kill him, but I believed
that this last effort would discourage all
future attempts. Everything was pro-
pitious except the mules. They hung
back, and bit at one another spitefully.
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VICE PRESIDENT
But Theodore was patient. There was
something sublime in his manner. Was
he going to slay the ancient master of
the mountains? And when the master
were slain, would the mountains sink
again-down into a marsh? These were
things for Theodore to consider, and I
suggested as much; but, pointing toward
the mountain top, he said, "Onward!"
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ADVENTURES OF A
W
CHAPTER XIV
THE BATTLE ROYAL
E MET a man who came tum
bling down the trail, and he re-
ported that the bear was com-
ing. Instantly the mules wheeled about
and struck out for the camp. I would
have followed them, but Theodore inti-
mated that doubtless I should be required
as referee. Further on a pack of wolves
swept past us, with their ears lying back
flat. An eagle, appreciating their dan-
ger and their fright, screamed, mock-
ingly, high in the air above them. The
sweeping wolves paid no attention to us.
They did not even make an effort to bear
202

VICE -
PRESIDENT
off to the right or the left, but so pressed
were they for time that one of them ran
between Theodore's legs. This was ex-
citement of a high order, but as yet we
had seen nothing of the bear. We knew,
however, by the frightened man and the
terror-stricken wolves, that he was com-
ing.
"He has nerved himself for his final
and, I hope, his last effort," says Theo-
dore, as I exerted myself to keep pace
with him. "I am glad the sun is shin-
ing, and I hope it won't go down till vic-
tory is assured-to one or the other," he
continued, after a short pause. Then he
halted and said: "I will choose this level
place for a battle ground. No avalanche
can save him here."
I looked about me as Theodore
halted. There was but one rock within
reach, and our hero commanded me to
climb upon it, out of harm's way. And
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ADVENTURES OF A
this I proceeded to do without argument,
and with no hesitation. Looking far
ahead, I saw what seemed to be a flurry
of snow.
But it was not-it was the
bear, surrounded by mists which his own
hot breath created. I looked at Theo-
dore and saw him brace himself. He had
not brought his useless rifle, but he had
a knife that looked like an ancient Roman
sword. "I shall never have the oppor-
tunity to vote for you again," I mused.
Why do great men persist in throwing
themselves into the red jaws of fate? On
came the bear, looking neither to the
right nor to the left. And now his
movements were not swift and bounding,
but rather slow and majestic. I fancied
that his mind flew back to dwell upon
that pre-historic time when he slew the
mastodon. I had my gun beside me,
and believing that it was my duty as a de-
tective to render all possible assistance,
204

VICE - PRESIDENT
I took good aim at his head and fired.
He caught the bullet in his mouth, spat
it out, looked at me with contempt, and
came right on as before, with measured
tread.
By
"Put down that pop and cease meddling
in affairs that don't concern you," says
Theodore, bracing himself anew and giv-
ing me a fine exhibition of the quiet and
well-contained play of his muscles.
this time the bear was within fifty yards
of him. I wondered if Theodore's great
spirit would not faint at the last mo-
ment. But it did not. With head bent
slightly forward, and with one foot well
braced behind, he nerved himself for the
shock. When within about six feet of
him, the bear reared to the full of his
enormous height and sprang forward to
seize Theodore in his arms. And he suc-
ceeded, to my surprise, for I had ex-
pected Theodore to duck. But he did
205


VICE PRESIDENT
foul, for he fell on his side. Theodore
strove to turn him over and press his
shoulders against the ground, but he
arose with his antagonist and at it again
they went, more furiously than before.
And now it was Theodore's turn to fall,
and it was a hard one. I was mortally
afraid that he would not get up in time,
but he did, his vigor seeming in no wise
impaired. But this great strain could not
long be borne. Theodore knew his dan-
ger-he knew that the bear would wear
him out at last, so now his efforts were
directed toward the recovery of his knife.
The bear's activity increased with each
moment of the fray, and the knife had
been kicked some distance away. Five
times did Theodore lunge for it, but the
bear grabbed him each time and hurled
him back. Would he never get it? Ah,
with a mighty bound he reached the
knife, seized it-plunged it into the bear,
207

ADVENTURES OF A
but the bear was not vanquished. Indeed,
he appeared to fight with added fury.
Theodore seized another opportunity but
the knife struck a lump of lead and did
no harm. They closed again and I noted
with delight that the bear was losing
strength. Suddenly he stopped and
reeled;-now he was on his haunches, his
head swaying;-he strove to get up, but
Theodore was too alert for him; then the
air was filled with a great groan, as if low
thunder were poured from a heavy cloud,
-there was a gasp and a gurgle, and all
was over. I expected our hero to leap
upon his dead foe and wave his hat, but
he did not. He looked up at me and
says, "Would you nind fetching those
mules?"
I went after the mules, and when we
made them understand that the bear was
208

VICE. PRESIDENT
dead, they approached willingly. It took
four of them to drag the bear, and all the
way
ay down the mountain we saw other
grizzlies, but they ran away like rabbits.
Counting the lead, and this was fair as
it had become a part of him, the bear
weighed, according to a close estimate:-
well-"nearly" four thousand pounds: It
took us all, including the Rough Writers,
until daylight to skin him, and when the
task was done, we wrapped ourselves in
the hide and lay down to restful dreams.
A great work was accomplished. The
Rocky Mountains were now open to
peaceful pursuits.
When I awoke the late moon was ris-
ing. I went out and looked up at the
stars, and upon the towering mountain
peaks, wondering if these great masses,
the admiration of the world, would sink
809

ADVENTURES OF A
back into the marshes,-until the time
when a Vice-President would again
awaken them from their peaceful slum-
bers.
210

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