T
MAK SICCAR
ANDREW J-KIRPARKK

神
​Hubbard
Imag. Voy.
PN
6193
• M9
1824
:
MUNCHAUSEN AT THE POLE.

Janet John
anet Johnstone
>

I Proclaim
George the Third
Monarch of all the Countries
upon and beyond the Pole!!
ASIA
Munoltrascro
for Ecur
to fill
wie full
Shank Brain
TAXES
Yeal
pain
Sex
CEORCLUR
Join
WAV
GATT
ON
3wont have it!!
It gives a light as jaise as hell,
But does not high me half so well.)
AMERICA
AFRICA
EUROPE
Munchausen at the Pole.
5329
4333
43
TERRA INCUCNIA
MUNCHAUSEN
AT THE
POLE;
OR THE
SURPRISING AND WONDERFUL ADVENTURES
OF A
Coyage of Discovery :
CONSISTING OF
SOME OF THE MOST MARVELLOUS EXPLOITS
EVER PERFORMED BY MAN
TOGETHER WITH
A CORRECT LIST OF THE CURIOSITIES
BROUGHT HOME AND DEPOSITED IN THE MUSEUM AND TOWER OF
LONDON.
BY THE Renowned
CAPT. MUNCHAUSEN, G. C. B. A,
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR J. JOHNSTON, CHEAPSIDE.
1824...
Seyfang, Printer, New Castle Street, Fleet Market.
-2-49 mar
TO THE READER.
READER, if thou canst read, thou
wilt be much amused by following me
through a series of the most extraordi-
nary adventures which ever occurred to
human nature. If thou canst not read,
the plates in my volume (if thou canst
see) will almost speak my meaning.
I offer no apology for thus presenting
thee with my Voyages and Travels;-
thou owest me thanks for so doing; and
in this attempt to enlighten the under-
standing of mankind, I am guided by
truth, integrity, and religious zeal.
Many voyagers have attempted of late
to reach the Pole ;-none have succeeded
but myself, who have even passed it,
and proceeded to
Worlds unknown,
"And isles beyond the deep."
A 2
TO THE READER.
These unfortunate wights, I am told,
are going to amuse the public with dif-
ferent accounts of their proceedings.
Of this I am not jealous; my object is
to instruct;-success enables me to do
so ;-knowledge cannot be derived from
disappointment, and I defy a world in
arms to detect one error in all my course.
I stand upon the solid foundation of vir-
tuous principle. From my work the
parent may derive instruction, the aged
learn wisdom, and the young gather the
flowers of knowledge from the fountain
of amusement. Follow me then, reader,
with cheerful alacrity; thine eyes shall
be opened, and thy mouth shall deliver
wisdom, and thou wilt, to the latest
hour of thy existence, bless the name
of
Rigmarole Court,
Stretching Lane.
MUNCHAUSEN.
A LIST OF CURIOSITIES
Brought to England
BY
CAPTAIN MUNCHAUSEN.
A LIVING BEING-an amphibious Esqui-
maux, a teacher of drawing, reading,
writing, and the mathematics.
An iron collar-made by Vulcan
which renders the wearer fire-proof.
·A massive ivory tooth-plucked from
the jaw of Behemoth, or the Leviathan of
scripture.
A specimen of the pearl plant-ga-
thered from the back of the Kraken of
Norway.
A cable-made from the hairs of an
East Greenlander's beard.
LIST OF CURIOSITIES.
The skin of a wolf-containing two
hundred square yards.
A bottle of red snow.
A bottle of green snow.
A bottle of sky-blue snow.
A bottle of whitey-brown snow.
A hundred gallon cask of Anti-scor-
butic hail-a sovereign remedy for that
terrible scourge of the navy, the black
scurvy.
A Patagonian cocoa nut-weighing
fifteen hundred pounds, and containing
(still) one thousand gallons of milk.
A flying fish-or oceanic balloon, ca-
pable of dragging a first rate nine knots,
or miles, per hour.-N. B. This article
is so well pickled that it is still alive.
A slice of Polar timber-a capital sub-
stitute for Brazilian tooth-picks.
A scale of the serpent-which at the
river Bagrada, stopped the Roman army
under Attilus Regulus from passing, (vide
Livy.) This scale is sufficiently large
LIST OF CURIOSITIES.
}
to form a round table at which twenty
persons might comfortably dine.
The gin-stone, or pebblus Africanus-
the smallest of these pebbles dissolved
in pure water, produces some gallons of
fine Hollands gin.
Bread fruit ready baked-plucked
from the tree.
An improved Portuguese fig—ten
pounds weight.
An Indian manuscript-history of Ire-
land,
Blank book of science-removed from
the Pole.
Two extraordinary dogs, or lusus naturæ.
An ice-iron knife, razor, and ch—b-r-
pot-from Baffin's Bay.
A bone sledge-neatly constructed from
the ribs of fishes, ornamented with brass
nails and carved work, by the carpenter
of the Incombustible, intended as a pre-
sent for the Pe R-g-t, and to be
considered a chef d'œuvre of Indian art.
1
LIST OF CURIOSITIES.
The Mammoth-a slice of his ear,
about fifty pounds weight, and covered
with hair four feet in length.
A prism-or block of ice which cannot
be congealed, alluded to by Sir Isaac
Newton.
A slip of brass-taken from the axle-
tree of the world, by Captain Gulliver
Longbow.
A Patagonian fig-leaf-twenty yards
in circumference, and seven inches thick.
The horn of a Hindoostan cow-slain
at the battle of the Ganges.
A button-from the coat in which Mun-
go Park was drowned.
The horns of a stag and three porcu-
pines entire-taken from the stomach of
a serpent.
With many other important articles.
too tedious to mention; they can all be
seen in the National Museum, at the
Tower, or at Polito's, by presenting a ticket
from Captain Munchausen, G. C. B. A.
LIST OF CURIOSITIES.
N. B. The tickets are all written upon
real papyrus, and no other are genuine.
The papyrus may be distinguished from
sheep-skin, by merely touching it with
the tip of your tongue, on which the sa-
line particles will raise a blister, not to
be cured in a dozen years.
TO THE BINDER,
Munchausen at the Pole.....
Munchausen and his Ship left on a pinnacle of
ice.....
Greenland
..Frontispiece
....to face page 20
....to face page 31
……………to face page 74
Munchausen entering the Capital of East
Munchausen shaved and lathered with red
snow
Munchausen and the Patagonian woman..to face page 108
MUNCHAUSEN's
ADVENTURES.
CHAP. I.
Now far he sweeps where summer never smiles,
"On Greenland's shore, or Behring's dreary isles."
I was born in a certain part of the united
kingdom vulgarly called Scotland; the name of
the parish where I first drew breath, for parti-
cular reasons, I do not choose to recollect.
Nature designed me for a great man:-I was
scarce formed in the womb, when my mother
B
MUNCHAUSEN'S
dreamt that she was delivered of an aloe tree,
whose branches ascended to heaven, and over-
shadowed the globe. The bitterness of this
plant denoted the hardships I should have to
encounter; the extension of its leaves over the
earth denoted that nothing should be hid from
my researches; and the well-known fact of its
blossoming only once in two hundred years
plainly pointed me out as a prodigy with which
mankind are not favoured once in an age.
I pass over the events of my infancy; I was
too young to benefit much from my education,
and I am now too old to remember whether or
not I had any education bestowed upon me; to
the force of natural genius I am solely indebted
for the eminence on which I now stand in the
world's opinion. One thing, for the honour of
iny country, I cannot resist mentioning, which
is, that oatmeal is a great purifier of the brain,
as in my youth I chiefly lived upon a dish called
sowens; so called, I imagine, from the great pro-
pensity hogs have in Scotland to dispute the
children's right to this delicious olio, composed;
of meal, boiling water, cabbage, and hog's lard,
seasoned with a sprinkling of salt; it has the
of throwing out the impurities of the flesh.
ADVENTURES,
in certain eruptions grossly called the itch, but
in high life denominated the sensitive pimple.
This contributes greatly to the health of the
human frame-all gross matter is expelled the
system, and the unclogged mind assumes a divine
brilliancy.
My life, reader, has been spent in "moving
accidents, by flood and field." I have twice cir-
cumnavigated the globe, penetrated the unknown
forests of America, and explored the whole of
the interior of Africa, where my name is as fa-
miliar to the inhabitants of Tombuctoo as it is
to my own countrymen. I ascertained the Nile,
the Niger, and the Gambia to be one and the
same stream, whose source I know as well as
I do Aldgate-pump or the New River head. I
moreover found that the celebrated pyramids of
Egypt were no more than kilns, in which bricks
were burnt to build the wall of China, and that
Pompey's pillar was, in reality, a rolling pin
used in making breakfast-cakes by the great-
grandmother of Pharaoh, the friend of Joseph
and foster-father of the Jews. With all which
and more the public shall be made acquainted at
some future day, when the present important
work is off my hands. I will only add that [
4
MUNCHAUSEN'S
was the principal cause of Buonaparte's downfall,
by the advice I gave my friend Sandy of Russia;
I have been engaged with the enemies of Great
Britain no less than three hundred and sixty-five
times, in person and by proxy, and you cannot
stick a pin in any part of my body where I have
not been wounded.
After such splendid atchievements it may be
supposed that I was at least exalted to the peer-
age, and retired to repose beneath my laurels,
accompanied by the applauses of an admiring
world. Not so, gentle reader; it is very seldom
that merit such as mine meets an adequate re-
ward. I was suffered to do what only the se-
verest necessity can ever make a Scotchman think
of-go back to my own country, and vegetate on
a pittance barely sufficient to supply me with
crowdie on the week days, and a sheep's head,
or haggish, on a Sunday. Here, disgusted with
man's ingratitude, I should probably have worn
out the remainder of my days in an inglorious
repose; but heaven had otherwise decreed-my
talents were not to be lost to the world--the
candle was not lighted to be hid beneath ૐ
bushel. The legislature announced a reward of
20,000 for the discovery of the Pole, and seve-
ADVENTURES.
5
LA
!
Fal of my countrymen, well aware of my nautical
knowledge and past experience, sought out my
solitary dwelling, and proposed to me to under-
take the difficult task. The spark of ambition,
which was nearly extinguished, revived afresh,
and at the mention of £20,000 reward, burst into
an unquenchable flame.
I lost no time in repairing to a great northern
sea-port, as it was understood government had
purchased some old colliers which they were
fitting out to pursue the same errand, I deter-
mined to be beforehand with them, and, thank
my lucky stars! have succeeded.
+
I determined at first to keep a very minute and
ample journal of my voyage which I intended, on
my return, to publish in three or four large
quartos; and, for that purpose, I engaged as my
secretary, one Donald Bower, a descendant of
Bower the Scotch Jesuit, who forged a history of
the popes; a man every way qualified for book-
making; but a man of the family of George
Buchanan, King James's jester and liar, having
offered himself as an embellisher of discoveries;
I began to think it bore a ridiculous appearance
in a man of my acknowledged talents, trusting
the records of his fame to any pen but his oWIL
B 2
MUNCHAUSEN'S
I therefore discharged my secretary and added
his salary to mine-(nó bad move at the first set-
out.) The many arduous duties I had to attend
to, and the surprising vicissitudes I experienced,
prevented me from giving that minute detail, the
importance of my subjects deserve, and I am con-
tent modestly to set forth my 'voyage and adven-
tures in this small volume, which may be looked
into as a mirror of truth, and a detector of false-
hood.
+
I am given to understand that some other disco-
verers have returned (previous to my arrival in
England) unsuccessful, from an attempt in which
my exertions have been crowned with such glo-
rious success, and that they are preparing for
publication a ponderous account of their disap-
pointments. I beg the public to take notice.
that this work has no concern with theirs, which
I have never seen, or wish to see, and know not
any thing of whatever.
Having for brevity's sake, (and in compliance
with the desires of many friends, who imagined
I resembled the celebrated hero, Baron Munchau-
sen, in more points than one,) taken the name
of Captain Munchausen, I embarked on board
the ship Incombustible, of two hundred tons bur-
ADVENTURES.
+
then, fifty men, and twelve pieces of cannon;
our cargo consisted of every trifling article ac-
ceptable generally to savage nations. Amongst
other nonsense, I had provided a large stock of
Walter Scott's poems, Shenkin ap Jones's bibles
in Welch verse, and one Lady Morgan's tales
about Ida of Athens, and Florence Macarthy,
things which, being far above our comprehension
at home, I wisely judged might suit the capaci-
ties of more savage nations. I was not far wrong,
as the sequel will disclose. The learned do not
always know the proper use to which such works
as the above ought to be put. I had also twenty
bull dogs, as many game cocks, and three dandies
preserved in flannel.
The stem and stern posts of the ship were
cased with copper and armed with spikes, as
were the sides in a similar manner, for a security
against being boarded by sea and land monsters
in the dreary regions we were destined to explore.
The anchors also of copper, were sharpened
like a lancet at each fluke to penetrate the ice,
and the stocks were waved like the dagger of
Lord Fitzgerald, to cut in pieces any animal
twisting round them; well aware of the dangers
to which I should be exposed from attraction, as
་
20
MUNCHAUSEN'S
I approached the magnetic pole, I provided
against it by having every metallic substance
about the ship brass, iron, or copper;-it will be
seen hereafter, how. necessary this precaution
proved.
The sails, cables, and ropes, were all formed of
the asbestos, which cannot be consumed; in short,
the ship might be termed both fire, water, and.
magnet proof, and was very properly named, at
my request, "The Incombustible."
I sailed from the port of Cauld o' the Gab,
in June the 20th, 1818, on Friday morning,
bearing in mind that old and true distich, so fà-
miliar in every seamans' mouth :—
"Friday sail
"Will never fail."
And I have remarked in all my adventures, I
was most fortunate when I commenced them on
this auspicious day. My friends who crowded
the strand were now inconsolable, and almost re-
pented having engaged me on such a desperate
enterprise; they were overwhelmed with fore-
bodings that I should never return. I ridiculed
their fears, and desired them if I did not return
at the expiration of ten years, then, and not till
then, to give me up for a lost mutton.
ADVENTURES.
9
The first day after leaving port, I was engaged
in preparing my crew for the difficulties they had
to encounter, (being Scotchmen, they were pretty
well inured to cold weather and hunger, and
their hearts were all warmed with hopes of sharing
in the reward of £20,000,) I took advantage of the
fine weather to make an experiment on my lóng
boat; the thought had never struck me in harbour;
it seemed as if my genius was never roused into
action, but when it had to overcome obstacles
at which common minds would shrink from in
despair.
I reflected upon the service a steam-boat would
be to me, and being unprovided with boilers, I setiny
ingenuity to work, and soon contrived a substitute;
a spare cooking-kettle placed in the boat's middle
held my coals, two joints of a copper funnel
made excellent tubes, and one of Count Rum-
ford's patent digesters (for making soup from
bones, and much in use in Scotland) placed on
either gunnel received my steam, to which, by the
help of some stout oak planks cut in four foot
lengths, I affixed a sort of fly-flaps, or wheels,
not unlike those which children set in motion by
running with against the wind on the end of a
stick. I found the plan completely answer, and
10
MUNCHAUSEN'S
with only one man to steer the boat, she ran
with ease at the rate of thirty knots, or miles, in
an hour, against a heavy sea and a fresh gale.
Some selfish mortals would have got a patent
for this invention, but I never consulted my own
interest, the general interest of the human race is
always predominant in my mind; my knowledge
is given to the world, if man does not profit by
it, the fault is his own.. I find my reward in the
seeret applauding of a good conscience.
Having completed my steam-boat to my great
satisfaction, I soon had an opportunity of putting
its usefulness to the proof; at day break on the
third morning after losing sight of land, steering
direct for the Shetland islands, all hands were
awakened by a noise resembling distant thunder,
and which seemed to be approaching towards us,
at intervals loud claps of thunder burst upon
the ear like the discharge of a piece of the hea
viest artillery. In a few minutes we plainly per-
ceived, about three miles a-head of the ship, the
sea all in commotion, the waves rising as if waging
war with the skies. As the ship moved but at a
slow rate and my spirit of adventure was excited
to discover the cause of this phenomena, in spite
of the intreaties of my second captain, I hoisted.
1
ADVENTURES.
11
out the Rumford, (for so I had named the long-
boat in honour to the memory of that illustrious
man of smoke,) and having fixed my apparatus,
boldly steered towards the war of elements, and
combustion dire. In a few minutes I had ap-
proached near enough to discover the cause of all
my people's terrors, and my curiosity; a troop of
whales, perhaps five hundred in number, and
seemingly from one to two hundred feet long,
were hastening to the shore, which bore on our
lee beam; their roarings were dreadful, and from
their nostrils the water spouted upwards of two
miles high in the air. The cracking sound which
resembled cannon, proceeded from whips of sea-
tangle which were wielded with Bond-street dex-
terity by two mermaids and two mermen accom-
panied by one riding on a serpent playing on the
Scotch bag-pipes; the lashes of those tremendous
whips reached the headmost whale in the shoal,
every cut brought slices from their backs as large
as a Buffalo, which, whirled into the air, were
caught by immense eagles, who hovered over and
mingled their terrific screams with the hideous
yells and roarings of the suffering animals, on
whose carcases they glutted their infernal appe-
tites. The serpent on which the bag-piper rode
12
MUNCHAUSEN'S
I discerned to be a huge female of the Boa Scy-
tacle, or spotted kind, common in the Apalachian
lakes of America; I instantly set about taking a
sketch of this scene, when a ray of the sun dart-
ing obliquely from a Mermaid's glass, deprived
me of sight for some minutes, and on my recovery
the whole cavalcade were nearly sunk beneath
the horizon.
This may by some be considered as an extra-
ordinary spectacle, but to me it was quite familiar,
but of one thing it made me certain, that a pas-
sage was opened for me to East Greenland,
from the singular fact of the letters E. G. being
emblazoned on every whales forehead, as all the
polar fish are branded with the initials of the
district where they are bred; the ice I concluded
must have broken up from that coast, and so set
these animals free from an imprisonment of some
ages.
+
This I hailed as a favourable omen, sent by
Heaven to encourage me in the pursuit of sci-
ence, truth, and glory. Since my return I have
learnt that these animals pursued by the Mer-
maids, as interlopers upon their territory, were
all driven on shore on the Hebrides, and perished
either by the rocks, or the pitch-forks of Scotch.
ADVENTURES.
13
barbarians. Satisfied with what I had seen, I re-
turned on board, and with additional energy pur-
sued my voyage.
In the severest storm of thunder, lightning, and
rain, I ever witnessed in this world, and although
for four days it had been dark as Erebus, I steered
by instinct into Lerwick Bay, to the astonish-
ment of all my crew, and the natives, who did not
imagine any vessel could have made the port in
such a storm. Their wonder soon ceased when
they found Munchausen was the pilot; and even
here I experienced a surprising adventure, unpar-
rallelled in the annals of naval history, and which
I could not have credited but from ocular de-
monstration.
Fresh water I soon received on board, and a
few heads of rotten cabbage being all the fresh
provisions to be had upon the island; for I have
no doubt upon my own mind but Shetland is an
island, because it is on every side surrounded by
the sea. This is a discovery for which naviga-
tion ought to immortalize my name, but I am
above vanity, and scorn popularity.
On Sunday morning having (as usual with
me) admonished my crew to bear in mind the
fear of God, we weighed anchor: double
14
MUNCHAUSEN'S
purchases were clapt on to assist the capstern,
but the weight of our anchor appeared to have
encreased five hundred fold, and with much toil
we succeeded in raising it, to "heave and a wash,"
that is, (I love to enlighten ignorant minds) until
we saw the ring to which our cable was fas-
tened appear above the water, when, to our
utter astonishment and horror, we perceived our
anchor had dropt into the jaws of a huge mon-
ster, where standing "a-cock-bill," or "upright
and downright," the brute being unable to close
its mouth was consequently drowned. Doubt not,
reader, a fish is as liable to be drowned by swal-
lowing too much water, as a man may be poison-
ed by eating too much roast beef. When the
monster floated upon the surface of the water,
his tail extended far beyond the ship's stern: by
dint of hard pulling we succeeded in disengaging
our anchor from his maw, but the man who had
charge to belay the shank painter, or suspending
tie-rope, made a false, or slippery hitch, and
down went the anchor, fixing its fluke deep in the
dead animal's tail. In vain did we endeavour to
disengage it, when, tired and out of all patience,
I seized my broad-sword, (a real Gill from St.
James's-street,) and descending, slung by a rope
ADVENTURES.
15
from the bowsprit, cleft first the skull of the
animal, and then ripped up his skin down the
back bone to his tail, where my anchor was fixed,
and which I hoped by this gallant effort to dis-
engage; but to my utter astonishment and dread,
from the working spine of the dead monster, a
serpent crawled. My crew conceiving me in
danger instanter drew me on board; the serpent
advanced a-head of the ship, our anchor stick-
ing fast in his tail, I ordered cable to be veered
away, giving him a long scope, afraid lest a
stroke of his nether fin would annihilate the In-
combustible. As pilot fish precede the shark, so
the friendly serpent preceded us, towing us with
gentle rapidity at the rate of ten miles per hour,
all our sails were furled, and on inspecting the
compass, due north I perceived was the course
pursued by our pilot. I was satisfied God had
sent the devil to conduct me to the Pole; my
mind became firm and elastic, pliable and un-
bendible, (vide Munchausen's encyclopedia,) and
I was prepared to encounter "the four quarters
of the world in arms." The duration of my
voyage beneath the serpent's care enabled me
to observe him minutely.
In length he might measure seven hundred
16
MUNCHAUSEN'S
feet, in circumference about sixty-five. The
scales on his body bore a strong resemblance to
French cuiraisses, and every third foot on his
back was marked by a protuberance equal in
size to a wine-pipe. His aspect was mildly ter-
rific, a lambent flame issued from his nostrils, and
he never opened his mouth wider than to admit
his swallowing a parish church, or a work-house
not larger than that of St. Pancras.
I have not been able to discover the family
from which our pilot is descended, but rather in-
cline to believe him of immortal origin, and a
kin to the great serpent who played at dominos
with Adam and Eve in the Potatoe Garden,
with whom, in my Asiatic travels, I had some
confabulation.
I never experienced a sweeter sailing than at
this period, the sea remained in a calm state,
and zephyr only sported in sufficient strength to
drive the mosquitos from the brow. (How mos-
quitos canre into so cold a climate I never could
guess, except sent from India to congratulate my
re-appearance on the ocean.) My compass never
varied, the needle pointed due north, and always
at meridian turned towards the serpent's tail.
How shall I describe the awful scene? A clap
ADVENTURES.
17
of thunder, loud enough to be heard at the centre
of the earth, and convulse the soul of a canonized,
saint, burst over the vessel; sheets of fire gleam-
ed on every side, the stars of heaven descended
in showers of meteoric flame, an earthquake
shook the billows and played at cup and ball
with the mountains. The serpent rearing its head
forty feet above the billows, exclaimed-
"Speed thee, Munchausen, speed to the Pole,
"Heed not the ocean's turbulent roll,
"High over frost, high over fire,
66
Speed, and accomplish thy heart's desire;
"My task is ended, direct thy way
"To the unknown shores of Baffin's Bay."
I bowed in silent gratitude; the amiable mon-
ster disappeared and I never saw him more at sea.
It was a sweet morning when our pilot serpent
bade us adieu; we could not avoid melancholy;
we had lost our "pillar of fire by night," and
our "cloud by day," and were left alone in the
wilderness to grope our way in the dark; still, il-
Iumed by a divine impulse, I felt assured of final
success, and calling my crew on the quarter deck,
set forth in glowing language the happiness des-
tined for them, as chosen victims of heavenly
€ 2
18
MUNCHAUSEN'S
love, doomed to undergo earthly toil and trouble,
as a sort of purging their souls for immortal bliss:
all thanked me on their knees, and I ordered a
can of right Antigua to be mixed for all.
">
The breeze freshened, danger was despised,
and a happy evening succeeded our pilot's de-
parture, many a song being sung to the praise and
glory of grog. I set the watch, gave the watch-
word "Thunderina.' I adopted this mode of a
sea watch-word from my friend Kotzebue, (the
most moral man in Germany since the death of
Klopstock,) who has given so many of them to
his friend that sent him to Siberia, Count Ben-
yowsky, and who died like a fou. in defence of a
dunghill, merely from having suffered the word
muck to escape his memory.
When the sun had risen upon the earth, (much
in the same manner it did when Lot had entered
into Zoar,) I found myself surrounded by islands
or continents of ice, on all quarters. Amazed, I
ran to consult my reckoning, it was all dead: in
three days, we had run ninety degrees, and rounded
half the globe, “alike unknowing and unknown.'
The anchor I ordered to be laid on the nearest
block of ice, and prepared for discoveries.
Mountains of blue, red, green, and pye-bald
ADVENTURES.
19
colours, reached to the firmament, where sparkled
a million suns, and a huge moon, in which, by
the help of a Herschelian telescope, similar to that
which discovered and lost the Georgium Sidus,
I saw men, women, mammoths, and monkeys,
dancing serabands and Scotch reels. Light fleecy
clouds sailed over the vessel, scents new to the
smell came upon every breath of wind, which
alternately blew hot and cold, never fixing in
one point, or to one element, longer than half an
hour at a time. Thus a naked body and a great
coated one, appeared alternately, as if from the
effects of harlequin's sword.
I waited very impatiently until the sun ap-
proached his meridian, when I endeavoured by
an observation to fix the precise place where the
Incombustible was anchored, although I did not
depend implicitly upon my longitude, I could
not help wondering at the round-about journey
the serpent had taken me, as I concluded we
were in 73° 10′, about two hundred miles from
Baffin's Bay, at the bottom of which I hoped to
find a river or canal, through which I might pene-
trate to the Pole, and so into the Indian ocean.
I now ordered my anchor to be got on board,
and made all sail for a small opening I discerned
20
MUNCHAUSEN'S.
with my glass, between two mountains of pye→
bald ice, which I daringly entered with a flowing
sheet, but had not proceeded further than a Scotch
mile, (that is, as far as a man can walk in a sum-
mer's day,) when the two mountains fell with a
tremendous crash; had they fallen inwards in place.
of outwards, the world would never have bene-
fited by the discoveries contained in this work.
Their summits were scarcely buried in the ocean
when the bases gently moved towards each other
as by the force of attraction; it was in vain to
attempt a retrogade movement, and as vain to
push forward, death approached us on either side;
I ran to the mast-head to see if any hope pre-
sented itself, when at the instant the two moun-
tains came in contact with the ship; I felt her
raised aloft, the ice closing under the keel as she
ascended, and in ten minutes the Incombustible
remained stedfast on a pinicle of ice, full three
miles above the surface of the sea. As I knew
so extraordinary a miracle must be the work of
a divine protector, and intended to pave my
way to some wonderful event, I felt elated ra-
ther than depressed, and directed the colours to
be let fly in a region where no earthly power
had ever before displayed an emblem of its
+

A
Munchausen and his Ship left on a pinnicle of Ice
الله
ADVENTURES.
21
sovereignty. I looked down on the subject ocean
with conscious pride, and as naval officers do on
Africa's coast, I promoted myself commodore
of Baffin's bay, and lord of the region of air,
an appointment my crew hailed with unaffected
shouts of sincere joy.
The cause of my protecting spirit having raised
me to this awful elevation above the world was
not long in developing itself. A storm came on
at midnight of a most terrific description; mil-
lions of marine monsters engaged in warfare on
the surface of the boiling waters, streams of
liquid fire ran down every ice-berg's side, and
rushed into the waves sparkling with a hissing
noise, as if hell itself had been extinguished by a
second deluge; distant mountains rose and sunk,
and appeared writhing with agony, as if conscious
of human feelings.
For my part, I guessed and have since ascer-
tained beyond contradiction, that beneath these
vast masses is the living tomb of the Titans, who,
aware of my arrival in the vicinity of the Pole,
were struggling to get free and assist the spirit
of the Pole, who presides over and protects the
sacred magnet, in expelling me by terror from
her dominions, which tradition had truly told her
22
MUNCHAUSEN'S
would one day acknowledge a mortal's power,
Thus my first entrance upon her territory roused
her indignation, and by her magic arts the con-
vulsion began.
I am now at the distance of sixty miles to
the southward of my station; thirty whale
ships I discerned drawn up into the air by
water-spouts, twirled round with the rapidity of
Webb's gas-lighted wheel before his lottery-
office on Ludgate-hill, and scattered upon the
winds in ten million pieces. All this was very
visible to the naked eye. The whole horizon
(which I could scan for one hundred miles round)
exhibiting a sheet of brilliant flame, and the
situation on which we stood was calm and serene,
not a single cloud hovered over us, and we had
the tremendous gratification to look down below
in conscious safety ou
"The wreck of matter and the crush of worlds."
Had not my guardian angel thus raised us on
high, the Incombustible and I, and all my gal-
lant crew, had been consigned to oblivion. That
I seldom mention my officers and crew is from
conviction that I being the ostensible person, de-
scription would flag if I were not always on the
ADVENTURES.
23
stage, and my narrative become as dull and unin-
teresting as the tragedy of Hamlet when he is ab-
sent from duty. Nevertheless, both my officers
and crew merit their names being recorded, and
I cannot do it in a more appropriate place than
this, where I am first invading the polar terri-
tories, and entering upon a series of adventures,
any one of which would be sufficient to render a
common man immortal.
My first captain, Sir Gulliver Long Bow, has
spent all his nautical life in pursuit of the mar-
vellous, in which he had been very successful;
as no one but myself could believe a word he
uttered-as none but myself could understand
him, he was of great service to me in embellish-
ing the sketches which accompany this work, as
he had a remarkable talent at grouping and fil?-
ing up from memory any vacancy in my draw-
ings.
·Geordie Muckyweezen was the name of my
second officer. His name is that of an ancient
Scotch family, many of whom were rendered
immortal by being hanged in the loyal rebellion
of 1745. The English of this name is "foul
mouth," and in truth he had (very properly) a foul
tongue to his inferiors, but then a mild and sub-
:
24
MUNCHAUSEN'S
1
!
missive one to all above him from whom he had
aught to expect. He was very useful to me on
many points, where flattery was necessary, and
was one of the footstools by which I raised my-
self aloft.
Master I had not any, as I navigated the ship
myself. Petty officers I had a few of the same
nature as all those in the navy; able to drink
grog, create disturbance, and enable me to call
upon their friends or relatives for certain sums of
money, with which I never supplied them, but
which they dared not contradict. (This was an
early lesson learnt in the navy, from my pa-
tron Sam. Fleecemiddy.)
My men were hardy Scotchmen, gaping for
the promised reward, of which I never intended
they should touch a copper. I promised them
double pay, which they are left to get as they
can, and spend as they please.
Such were the men honoured by accompany-
ing me in my career of glory, and if not paid
by me for their labours, they may draw on pos-
terity for as much fame, as will be necessary to
preserve their names in the appendix to the an-
nals of fame. A reward amply sufficient for
such a set of underlings.
ADVENTURES.
25
We retired, as usual, after the "pelting of the
pitiless storm" had subsided, and on my rising
to my morning devotions before my crew, I was
agreeably surprised to find the ice mountains
sunk on every side, and the ship sailing with a
breeze right aft, and all steering sails out, through
a sea as smooth as glass, with the wide Bay of
Baffin expanded before us skirted by lofty moun-
tains blooming with verdure. Directing my at-
tention (as a good and careful commander) to
the helm, I was accosted by a female figure,
having her eyes bound with a fillet, clad in yel-
low robes, through which her whole body ap-
peared transparent.
"I am," she said, "thy guardian Genius;
under various shapes I have attended, and will
continue to attend thee through life. My name
is CHANCE, I have preserved the from the malig-
nant spirit of the magnet; thou art now far
advanced into her kingdoms; proceed and pros-
per:
"Straightly steer, intrepidly run,
"Direct thy prow from the ruddy sun;
"Explore the scenes of Baffin's Bay,
*Then haste with me to the Pole away,
26
MUNCHAUSEN'S
"Life of my life, and treasure of my soul,
"CHANCE will lead thee to find the Pole."
My guardian genius, casting upon me a look of
the sweetest affability, resigned the tiller to my
hands, and rose from the deck, gradually reced-
ing from the orb of vision, pointing forwards,
and vanishing upon her back like the illusions in
a phantasmagoria.
Three knocks of my heel served in place of the
handspike to arouse my crew, to one of whom
I gave charge of the helm. Imagine, reader,
their delight and surprise; the preceding evening
they had trembled under the terrors of a most
horrible tempest and severest cold, this morning
all was serenity.
"Dropping dews and breathing balm,"
the skies scattered health, and every breeze
breathed perfume, and land, the long wished-for
land, appeared like—
❝l nature reviving in Eden's first bloom."
Columbus never hailed America, (which, by
the bye, an ancestor of mine had discovered long
before him,) with more satisfaction than did my
ADVENTURES.
27
crew the shores of East Greenland, for such I
informed them it was; and having ordered a tub
of
grog to be mixed, all drank Commodore
Munchausen's health, and poured out the dregs
as a libation to the goddess of Chance, and the
memory of old Baffin.
As we approached the land, mountains began
to shew their summits crested with trees, cascades
descended from rifted rocks, and winding fan-
tastically through every glade; fields appeared
laden with golden harvests; cities ornamented
with towers, minarets, and domes, skirted the
shore, or swept the sides of some gentle declivity,
whilst
"Hamlets, villages, and spires,
"Scatter'd o'er the landscape lie,
"Till the distant view retires,
"Closing in an azure sky."
No longer dreading the idea of being wrapt
in clouds and lost in tempests, we all gave way
to the sweetest emotions of the heart. Gratitude
to a divine being, for the first time since we left
auld Scotia, entered our bosoms, and I, even I,
began to doubt whether Chance, (though a god-
dess,) was not directed in all her operations by
a superior providence; be it as it may hereafter,
28
MUNCHAUSEN'S
at this time, I am sure Satan did not more in-
wardly chuckle at the sight of Paradise, than we
at the unexpected scene spread in review before
us, and inviting our advance by all the tempta-
tions and allurements of art and nature combined.
I steered the vessel into a haven encircled by
a pier, wherein was left just sufficient space for
the ingress and egress of a single ship at a time.
The natives crowded the wharf in thousands,
clad in skins of varions animals, buttoned and
embroidered with precious stones, gold, and
pearls; they seized the ropes we flung out with
loud acclamations, and fastened the ship to the
jetty as expertly as a gang of lumpers would n
the London Dock, or the muddy ditch called
Leith pier.
Up the masts they scrambled like monkeys,
furled all our sails, and squared our yards. A
devout looking person now stepped on board,
whom I recognised to be the harbour master,
from his wanting an arm, and a sort of Irish
"trot in his gallop," (which all our English har-
bour masters have.) He had besides a golden
anchor pendant from his left knee, and a boat-
swain's supple jack in his right hand.
I had arrayed myself for the occasion in my
ADVENTURES.
29
full-dress coat of blue and gold, with epaulets
larger than a copper saucepan; my small clothes
were covered by a satin tartan-kilt, which reached
to midleg, embroidered with Scotch pebbles;
on my bosom I bore the "Grand Curse of the
Broth," an ancient Caledonian order of knight-
hood, and by my side hung suspended my trusty
glaive," vulgarly y'clept a broadsword.
«
Thus equipped, I advanced to meet the harbour
master of East Greenland's capital, whom I
invited into the state cabin. We found at first a
little difficulty in making our sentiments known
to each other, but I soon found his language to
be a mixture of the ancient Norwegian, the
Fiumish, and the High Dutch Esquimeaux, and
in a little time we communicated with facility.
To prevent a multiplicity of questions occupy-
ing our time, I wrote down in the Norsefingaw-
spucmaw language, the details of my voyage, and
intended discovery of the Pole, &c. &c.
He then informed me that they were descend-
ants of a colony settled on this coast by Erlfungus
from Norway, but that a dreadful frost which
set in one night, completely separated them from
the mother country, raising barriers of ice which
were lost in clouds, and inaccessible to mortal
D 2
30
MUNCHAUSEN'S
•
power. Inside of this superhuman structure,
an open sea existed, and on which they had
launched ships, and navigated the coast for
more than three thousand leagues, founding set-
tlements, forming alliances with the natives, and
keeping up all the intercourses of social life.
Their history was recorded in books left by their
ancestors, and a prophecy that a hero should come
from a distant land with glad tidings, was now
fulfilled.
A storm unexampled in their annals, occurred
at the very time that did which I had witnessed
from the pinnacle of ice. The barriers which
wedged them in during four hundred years, burst
and faded away; the altars blazed with offerings;
a friend of the gods, a deliverer was announced
to be near, whom they now hailed in myself, Com-
modore Munchausen. The harbour master then
invited me on shore to receive the homage of
his countrymen, and the full sovereignty of
East Greenland from the hands of the "Kita
Kat," or Emperor, who was confined in his
palace from the infirmities of age. I lost no time
in attending him.
On landing we ascended a car made of whale
bone, fastened with silver nails, and drawn by

הווה
म
13
9330
50000
Munchausen entering Capital of East Greenland
小
​ADVENTURES.
31
g tigers, twenty abreast, and eighty in num-
ber; my seat was a very elevated one, some fifty
yards from the earth. The harbour-master lay
at my feet, and amidst the sounding of congues,
gongs, apollonicons, and Jew's harps, we dashed
through the city.
The palace of the Kita Kat, autocrat, or
emperor, stood on the banks of a beautiful mud-
dy stream, not unlike the Medway at Chatham,
or the Neva at St. Petersburgh, and indeed the
building bore a striking resemblance to Peter-
hoff, from being surrounded by ice, snow, horses,
asses, and men in a state of slavery, smoothed
down by the term "vassalage."
On alighting at the "stranger's gate" which
had never before been opened to mortal being,
I was given to understand by the harbour-master,
that he was not only admiral royal of the king-
dom, but prime minister and secret gentleman
usher of the back stairs, &c. and that his title
was "Lord Jabberwell Gobbleall." I shall not
fatigue my readers with an account of the splen-
dour attending my introduction, it was much the
same as it would have been in the "gold room'
room”
at Carlton House, with sycophants and expectants.
32
MUNCHAUSEN'S
bowing you out, and bowing you in, at the nod
and beck of court favour.
·
His majesty, rising from his throne, on his
knees presented me his crown, which I accepted
in the name of the Prince Regent of Great
Britain, and returned it much in the samne man-
ner as Pandulph, the Pope's legate, did poor King
John's, of disgraceful memory, giving him a gra-
cious look, as much as to say, wear this only
as my slave."
"
I have little more to say concerning these
isolated beings; but, that they still adhere to the
Christian religion, with the simple exception of
substituting Conful-zee, the Chinese philosopher,
in the place of our Saviour, and Mahomet in
the place of Saint Paul. Amongst the canoni-
cal books, they rely only upon the songs of So-
lomon in the old and the Revelations in the
new testament, rejecting all the rest as fabu-
lous. These points I considered of such small
importance, that I did not conceive it necessary
to do more towards fortifying them in their
Christian doctrines, than presenting the monarch
with a copy of Tom Paine's Age of Reason, (with-
out Dr. Watson's apology,) and the philosophers
ADVENTURES,
33
creed of Voltaire and Hume, strictly enjoining
him never to read them. Apartments magnifi-
cently decorated were prepared for me in the
cast wing of the palace; but my eager desire
for adventure urged me on. I conversed with
the sages of the empire, and determined on ex-
ploring the interior of this new found land, into
which I ascertained the settlers had not penetrater
more than two thousand miles.
34
MUNCHAUSEN'S
CHAPTER II.
I LEFT my ship in charge of Captain Gulliver
Long-Bow, whom I recommended to the Kita
Kat as locum tenens in my absence.
Supplies of provisions, wines, &c. were gra-
tuitously furnished. The whole city of Lostland,
(for such was the name of East Greenland's
capital) treated my men as demigods. Ten pair
of Scotch bag-pipes, which I had on board, set
all in motion; dancing, jigging, reeling, was the
order of the day, and under the direction of
Geordie Muckyweezen, even the prime minister,
ADVENTURES.
35
the Kita Kat, and his thirty wives, acknowledged
the power of music, and shook their legs in
unison with the bag-pipes' squall.
There is no danger of treason where pleasure
has got possession of the human mind; so I depart-
ed under the escort of fifty horsemen and a
hundred foot, in a chariot and eighty tigers, on
my expedition.
When we had advanced within a league of the
frontier, my escort refused to proceed a step
farther. Before us—
Giant mountains took their stand,
Like sentinels round fairy land,
and appalled every heart but mine. They alleged
that the whole country beyond was inhabited by
giants, hobgoblins, demons, and spirits. n short,
they eyed the prospect before them as a crimi-
nal would the blasted district surrounding the
Upas tree in the island of Java. I dismissed
them indignantly, and drawing my sabre pressed
forward alone; the country became dreary and
wild, bleak mountains and blasted plains stood
in array before me; famine lurked behind every
bush, cropping the last shoots of feeble vegeta
tion; despair reigned in the vallies; and misery
36
MUNCHAUSEN'S
howled upon the hills. On every side the beasts
of the forest were in motion: the awful grandeur
of the scene added vigour to my nerves, and
impelled me onwards with the rapidity of an
eagle.
Night approached, the sun set a bloody lustre,
deep as my grand-mother's old petticoat of pur-
ple brocade; when on the brink of a river,
which I was meditating how to pass, a furious
animal, from whose eye-balls flashed the living
fire, reared his head, and advanced his fore paws
on land, snorting defiance in columns of flame.
Undismayed as Alexander, when he passed the
Granicus, I hesitated not a moment, but empty-
ing my snuff-box directly in his eyes, advanced
with my trusty sabre, and plunged it up to Gill in
his bread-basket. The monster uttered a loud
groan, made one effort with his tail, which threw
him upon the beach, where he expired. I then,
with the help of my sabre, skinned one of his
fins, cut down a bundle of willows, made slips
or thongs from his back answer the purpose of
twine, wattled my willows into the shape of
a boat, stitched part of the skin round them and
launched it into the river. I found my vehicle
water proof, but likely to upset for want of
ADVENTURES.
37
ballast, so I knocked out two front teeth of
the beast, each weighing ten stone, which, placing
on the keel, I embarked, launched into the stream,
and using my sword as a rudder, boldly steered
as Chance directed me, down an unknown cur-
rent, surrounded by the darkness of night.
My situation now recalled to my mind the
treacherous intrepidity of Orellana, who aban-
doned Pizarro, and embarked on the river of Ama-
zons, to find the long-lost ocean. But I had
this consoling reflection, that my ways were
guided by the spirit of truth, and a sincere desire,
even though I should lose my life in the attempt,
to confer blessings on science and navigation by
my enterprize.
I had now no compass to steer by. The
pocket one I always carried I found filled with
tobacco, for which cargo my servant Gibby had
removed both card and needle. I consigned my
fortunes once more to Chance, and unscrewing
the hilt of my sword, which formed a tobacco-
pipe, I filled my tube; a friendly flash of Scotch
lightning (I presumed so from its brimstone
smell) passed at the critical moment, lighted my
weed, and with the utmost composure I con-
E
'38
MUNCHAUSEN'S
tinued smoaking, and floating wherever my des-
tiny ordained.
Morning found me hard and fast aground,
beneath the shadow of a burning mountain. I
stepped from my frail bark; the transition I felt
was that of from bitter winter to mild summer;
the trees and bushes bent down to the ground
with delicious 'fruit, and on quenching my thirst
at what I thought was a crystal spring, my palate
was gratified by the most fragrant arrach punch
I had ever tasted at a planter's table in the West
Indies.
This surely, I exclaimed, must be the land de-
scribed by Mahomet as Elysium, and, instead
of the Pole, I am arrived in Paradise. But
where are the houris? At that instant a female
figure clad in green tripped from the bushes, and
surveyed me with surprise devoid of fear; she
was presently joined by a companion, who I
evidently saw was of the other sex. I addressed
them in the whole of the sixty-eight languages,
(that is forty more than Lord Teignmouth has
modestly ascribed to Scildelleam Jones) and at
last fonnd one which they comprehended, "the
Sanscrit Laplandia." I had, they said, been
ADVENTURES.
39
long expected to rise from the waters, and had
been worshipped by them and their subjects un-
der the name of Davy Jones (an awkward name
to be sure for a god) for ages. I set them to
rights without circumlocution on this subject,
and to the end of the world my name as
"the
God Munchausen" will be adored by the natives
of "Stovegratiania," a name adopted in former
days, I apprehend, from the genial warmth of
the climate.
The country as I advanced with my new con-
ductors was pleasing; there were no regular
towns to be seen; huts formed of Banyan leaves,
and supported by aloe pillars in full bloom,
were visible in groves of flowers of every scent
and hue; men, women, and children, were nearly
in a state of nudity, which shocked my modesty
not a little. Heaven knows my modesty has
frequently operated as a bar to my preferment;
as I fear in the present instance it will be to my
fame; as in this work I shall suppress many
true incidents rather than be suspected of exag-
geration. Men do not know the treasures they
lose from not placing unlimited belief in seasoned
travellers.
The royal pavilion was near the mountain's
40
MUNCHAUSEN'S
burning summit, yet I felt only a pleasing heat
from a flame which would have consumed a
common mortal to a cinder in the lapse of a
thought.
It was with some pleasure, I heard that my
new discovered friends were the Ajut. and An-
ningaet, so celebrated in the Spectator, and that
old Scheffer, the Lapland poet, was poet-laureat
at court.
Heaven, it appeared, in pity, had translated
them from the Baltic's frozen shores, where,
conferring upon them immortality, a numerous
progeny had succeeded their propitious union,
and every subject in the warm kingdom of Stove-
gratiania, was descended from the loins of King
Ajut and Queen Anningaet.
1
Chance, who had always presided over me,
had left in my pocket the fourth volume of Ad-
dison's Spectator, from which I read their own
hapless story. They were much affected, and
begged me, on my return, to convey their best
compliments to Sir Richard Steele, together with
an inkstand cut out of the lava from the volcano ;
but being told that he was dead, they lamented
that he who could confer immortality upon others,
should not be able to confer it upon himself.
ADVENTURES.
41
Every offer of service, in my hazardous enter-
prise, was offered me, but I declined them all;
the effeminacy which seemed to prevail through
all classes, led me to think their company would
be more of an incumbrance than a service, and
alone I set out, by midnight, for the crater of
the dreadful volcano, which marked the spot of
royal residence in this extraordinary kingdom.
My boat I knew to be safe, as all the natives,
from the circumstance of their sovereigns' disas-
ters by water, had an invincible horror to that
element, revolting from it with all the pangs
evinced by a dog afflicted with hydrophobia.
As all my success depended upon my nautical
abilities, I naturally considered my boat, (misera-
ble as it was,) to be my ark of salvation, and
the bearer of all my future hopes.
Morning rose smiling upon me as I stood on
the windward side of "Mount Hellforge," whose
summit I had scaled without a single accident,
except a few bites from "snakes in the grass,
such as ever assail real merit with their venomous
tooth.
I looked around me for some sign to direct my
procedure, but in vain. The clouds of smoke
mingled with flame, were driven directly from me;
E 2
-
!
42
MUNCHAUSEN'S
a gentle murmer ascended from the bowels of
the mountain;--I hailed the omen as one favour-
able to my hopes, and kneeling, invoked the god-
dess of my destiny, to protect me through a fur-
nace more dreadful than that in which Shadrach
walked with the "son of man," three thousand
years before he appeared upon the earth.
A well known voice now broke upon my ear-
"The theory of comets proceed to explore,
"Knowledge before thee expands her door;
"Through the valley of death thy path now lies.
"When the film of mortality drop from thine eyes,
"Employ thy sight, employ it well,
"And bring to light the secrets of hell."
The glitterring blade of Gill flew from the
sheath, and like Quintus Curtius, for the good of
my country, I jumped undauntedly into the yawn-
ing gulph, and descended to everlasting glory.
I continued sensibly to descend for the space
of five minutes, when the smoke became too
powerful for my senses, and I sunk into a lethargy,
from which I was roused by several salutes, à-la-
posteriori, from half-a-dozen sledge-hammers,
wielded by huge cyclops, and directed in their
ADVENTURES.
43
operations by one of superior stature, from
whose hideous aspect and halting gait, I knew to
be the god Vulcan.
Finding I had recovered my senses, my pre-
servers desisted from administering their rude
though wholesome assistance.
I am convinced, ever since this period, that
all faintings, epileptic fits, &c. are owing to the
senses taking a trip down hill, and shutting the
eyes (as I would the windows of my house when
going on a journey) before their departure. In
such a case, a sledge-hammer lustily applied to
the nether end will have the immediate effect of
driving them up to their old station. This re-
mark I recommended to the Humane Society,
in place of salting, pickling, and fundamental
puffing, to promote resuscitation.
Master Vulcan shook me by the hand, and
welcomed me to his work-shop with great cor-
diality. Valour, he remarked, was held in high
estimation by the gods, and as I had given such
an exalted proof of mine by a descent into his
chimney, he wound a small iron chain round
my neck, which rendered me, whilst I continued
to wear it, both fire and water proof; and which
44
MUNCHAUSEN'S
éz
I will never part with until the day of my death,
(if a genius like that I possess can ever die.)
A huge anvil, which appeared to me about
three thousand miles in length and two thousand
in breadth, was surrounded by millions of naked
cyclops, busily employed in hammering sheets of
massy copper, tinfoil, and zinc, into a consis-
tency with each other; notwithstanding the diffe-
rent qualities of the metals, they amalgamated
very easily.
Vulcan, who had laid down his hammer, and
politely attended me, said it was intended for a
small part of a tail of a comet, which Jove had'
ordered rather in a hurry, as one had lately de-
scended too near the earth, and been extinguished
from the noxious vapours arising therefrom.
I made bold to enquire of what use comets
were in their generation; expressing our gene-
rally received opinion, that in time they would
set fire to the globe. He said they were mere
play things for the amusement of the gods, who
set them on fire, and started them from the sun,
(as we do horses at Newmarket,) to run a race
of millions of years round all space, returning to
the source from whence they sprang. Many
ADVENTURES.
45
bets, he observed, were won and lost on the
starting of a new comet, and disputes, nearly
arising to anarchy, often occurred.
With respect to burning the globe, Vulcan de-
clared that was left to his department. The
chimneys of his dominions, such as Vesuvius,
Etna, Hecla, &c. would be closed up by Jove,
and a subterranean explosion blow to atoms the
world and all its inhabitants; but this he assured
me would not take place till after the next dis-
solution of Parliament. This I declare to calm.
the minds of many old women and reverend
gentlemen, who have some years to purify them-
selves for the universal burning, which they
foolishly imagine to be only a few days march
from us.
Vulcan invited me to partake of a repast, but
as I could not relish red hot iron, or quench my
thirst in boiling lead, I declined the invitation,
and took my leave highly delighted with the in-
formation that comets had no more to do with
man than man with comets, and science, in the
maze of light, is impotent and blind.
I was then placed in a sort of wire-work chair,
which, springing upwards like that of my friend
46
MUNCHAUSEN'S
Merlin's, landed me on the very spot from whence
I had plunged a few minutes before.
I proceeded down the hill, and on my way was
accosted by an aged bard, who announced him-
self to me as Scheffer, some or whose verses
were so elegantly translated in the Spectator.
Hearing, on his return to court, of any adventurous
journey, he had followed in the hope of being
permitted to immortalize my deeds in Greeuland
rhyme. This, with my usual modesty, I declined,
but permitted him to mention me in an ode he
presented at my departure, which will be seen
in its proper place. I abhor flattery, and there-
fore do not admire pocts.
King Ajut and his spouse rejoiced again to
see me, and pressed upon me many valuable
presents, none of which I would receive but
the paring of her majesty's great toe nail, which
I have lodged in the British Museum with many
other curiosities.
As a cup-bearer was wanted at this court,
(an office hitherto filled by monkeys,) I promised
to send one of my Dandies to the king, if they
were not dead, as I had never unrolled them since
I left Scotland.
1
ADVENTURES.
47
Scheffer insisted on accompanying me part of
the way on my return, to which I reluctantly, as-
sented, as I am ever most fortunate in adventures
when alone. Few of my exploits have been wit-
nessed by a second or third person; but no
sensible person will disbelieve them on that ac-
count.
My boat remained where I had left her, and
Scheffer assured me that the skin of the animal
I had so ingeniously manufactured into a boat,
was no other than that of the Leviathan, or Be-
hemoth of Job, which abounded in that river,
and prevented the entrance of all strangers into
the kingdom.
I had unwittingly fulfilled the text in scripture,
which says,
"" canst thou draw out Leviathan with
a cord, or tame the furious Behemoth," and
henceforth I accounted nothing too impossible
for me to accomplish.
I soon ferried over. and having fastened my
boat to a tree, journied on, accompanied by the
bard, who determined to visit the Incombustible
and return with the Dandy, as my new invented
boat had established a mode of communication
hitherto unknown between the kingdoms of Stove-
gratiania and East Greenland. Scheffer was the
48
MUNCHAUSEN'S
first to promote a commercial intercourse between
the two nations, and my Dandy the first piece of
merchandise.
Much as I wished to bring my boat away,
the important benefits leaving it would confer on
so many human creatures, induced me to content
myself with a tooth of the animal, which has al-
ready set all the wiseacres, (I beg pardon, the
philosophers,) in London a grinning, to find out
whether it is mother of pearl, portland stone, or
ivory.
ADVENTURES,
49
CHAPTER III.
NIGHT spread her mantle over the earth as
we entered the gloomy valley of desolation, never-
theless we pursued our way till quite exhausted;
I chose the shelter of a large tree to rest under
until morning. The tooth of the Behemoth served
us for a seat; and, now repented my want of fore-
sight, in not providing a quantity of the fruit
and arrack punch we had left beyond the river,
for such an emergency as the one we were in.
True, bottles were not there in use, but the leaf
of a banyan tree would have held sufficient for
our purpose.
F
50
MUNCHAUSEN's
Reflection on the past could answer no good
purpose; to provide for the present became a
matter of important consideration. I collected
a bundle of brushwood, and as I had often done.
in America, by rubbing two sticks together, I
produced fire, and soon acquired sufficient warmth
to look round in search of wild fruits. A few
yards from our settlement I descried a pond, from
which arose a powerful steam, into which dip-
ping my finger, I found the water boiling hot;
close by it a small stream glided past, transparent
as glass, in which I saw a variety of fish. My
decision was rapid as thought; I untied my hat-
band, made a fish-hook of my breast-pin, baited
it with a snail, and fastening it to a slip of osier,
dropped it into the river; a fine salmon instantly
caught at it; with a sudden jerk I threw it over
my head into the boiling pond, from whence I
drew it in a short time, as excellently cooked as
if it had been done at the London Tavern.
A banyan leaf made a very good substitute for
a dish. On the margin of the pond I picked up
several small stones, which proved to be rock-salt,
and hastened to poor Scheffer, who, unused to
exercise his genius for a supply under difficulties,
remained sitting on the tooth in a melancholy
ADVENTURES.
51
mood. He was surprised and astonished at the
sight of a hot supper in the wilderness; I was
not more so, when a breeze rustling the tree
over our heads, half-a-dozen loaves of bread-fruit
fell upon our fire. I suffered them to toast for
a short time, when, cutting them in slices, my
companion and I regaled ourselves with a most
hearty supper.
I could not help wishing for something to
drink stronger than the pure limpid stream, and
sticking my knife into the tree, for want of thought,
a stream of wine ran down the handle; 1 placed
Scheffer's skin cap beneath, aud, on tasting the
sparkling fluid, had my palate gratified with the
finest Cyprus I ever drank out of that island.
I toasted the goddess of Chance, which my friend
pledged; in fact, the cap was so often emptied,
that we both fell into the arms of Morpheus.
When aroused from repose, the wilderness, the
fish-ponds, and the wine-tree were gone, and I
and my companion were seated in the chariot
from which I had alighted on the frontier of
East Greenland; the tooth of the Behemoth was at
my feet. My late escort assured me I had not
been absent more than ten minutes.
The eighty tigers were set in motion, and ia
52
MUNCHAUSEN'S
the twinkling of a star I alighted at the palace
of Greenland's Kita Kat, where Lord Jabber-
well Gobbleall waited to receive me. The news
of my arrival spread through the city, like flames
through a field of standing corn during the height
of summer; the palace gates were crowded by
applauding thousands, and my friends, Gulliver
Long-Bow and Muckyweezen, hastened to greet
me with the tidings that all was well on board
the Incombustible.
Having related to the monarch my discoveries,
and presented Scheffer to kiss his heel, according
to the custom of that country, instead of the hand,
recommended to him establishing a commercial
connection with his neighbours, and carrying it
on by means of steam-boats, plying over Sawney
river, where I built the Behemoth fish-skin boat.
He promised to attend religiously to all my sug-
gestions, or, as he pleased to call them, commands,
and was overwhelmed with grief, when I an-
nounced my intention to depart on the following
day, to fulfil the great destinies for which heaven
had ordained my existence. He was somewhat
comforted on my promise to return in a year,
and remain with him until I had enlightened
ADVENTURES.
53
T
his subjects with a knowledge of European
mysteries.
::
Next day I unrolled my Dandies, and was glad
to see that one had received no damage from long
confinement, but the others were defunct his
companions, he said, had died of sulkiness. As
these animals have not any brains, and little en-
trails, they will keep sweet for many months if
well swaddled in flannel..
Scheffer received this present gratefully, but
did not know under what genus to class it, except
as a bastard species of the tulip tree. I entrusted
to his care a letter written on a leaf of the asbes-
tos tree, charging him to drop it carefully into
the crater of mount Hell-forge: it was addressed
to Jove, through Vulcan, containing a proposi-
tion for lighting his comets with gas, and recom-
mending Winsor as a proper person to be trans-
lated to Hell-Forge for that purpose.
Scheffer bade me an affectionate farewell, and
in return for four bull-dogs, which I sent to King
Ajut, and an English game cock for his Queen,
he presented me with the following
F 2
54
MUNCHAUSEN'S
1
J
ODE
ON THE DEPARTURE OF
Commodore Munchausen
FROM THE SHORES OF EAST GREENLAND..
HASTE, MUNCHAUSEN, haste away,
Glorious scenes before thee lay;
Heed not frost, and dread not fire,
Plunge thro' ocean, mud, and mire!
Fire shall never singe a hair
Which hangs upon thy forehead fair;
Water never shall thee drown,
Though in the depth of ocean down 5.
Steel shall never probe thy chest,
Or bullet pierce thy dauntless breast.
Then haste, MUNCHAUSEN, haste away,
Glorious scenes before thee lay.
}
ADVENTURIS.
55
Thou shalt not die by axe or ropc;
Then give to genius ample scope;
Beasts shall fall beneath thy arm,
That on the land and water swarm;
The finny tribe, which haunt the deep,
Shall fly from thee to wail and weep.
Hell for thee expands her gate,
Enter bold, defying fate.
Gods for thee shall mould the ball;
Spirits shall attend thy call.
Then haste, MUNCHAUSEN, speed away,
Beyond the bounds of Baffin's Bay.
Obedient to eternal fates,
The Pole for thee unbars her gates;
To the summit thou shalt go,
And view the prostrate world below.
Live thou shalt in every clime,
Where'er may sound the march of time.
Immortal as thy heavenly sire,
Till time be lost and life expire.
Lov'd and envied thou shalt be,
Lord of air, and carth, and sca.
Then haste, MUNCHAUSEN, haste away,
Deeds 'unknown to bring to day.
56
MUNCHAUSEN'S
The Kita Kat was very fond of the bull-dogs
I left with him on account of witnessing a combat
between one of them and a royal tiger, in which
neither were victorious, as it ended in their eating
ope another.
ADVENTURES.,
57
CHAPTER IV.
I TOOK an opportunity of a moon-light night
and a fair breeze to quit the port of Laughloud
in silence, as I cannot bear the pain of parting
from those we may never meet again.
When we had left the land behind us about
sixty English miles, to our amazement we saw
the mountains of ice, which had vanished at our
approach, rise from the sea till their summits were
lost in the clouds, and spread all along the hori-
zon beyond the power of vision. Thus the dis-
covery of this unknown people was reserved for
58
MUNCHAUSEN'S
me, and I fear I shall have it to say, that as I
was the first, so I shall be the last, European
who ever set his foot on East Greenland.
I pursued my course rapidly to the northern
extremity of Baffin's Bay, and had not many vi-
cissitudes to encounter. Some of them, however,
are worthy of record.
Through the negligence of the cook, (a first-
cousin of my own, and son to a respectable minis-
ter and landed proprietor in the county of Gal-
loway, and allied to the principal families in that
neighbourhood, by name Danebrogue ;)—from
his negligence, I say, a pot of kail brose, (in
English, barley broth,) was suffered to boil over;
a quantity of swine's flesh being stewed in this
mess, the grease caused a flame to issue from the
funnel, which communicating to the mainsail, set
the whole ship in flames. I ordered all the men
into the copper stow-hole, and waited patiently
the event. The sails made of the asbestos blazed,
and then remained as previous to the fire; my
copper precautions resisted the devouring element,
and to my great joy I found my favourite bark
worthy of her name "The Incombustible."
Determined, like Brutus of old, to sacrifice
all feeling springing from consanguinity, I would
ADVENTURES.
59
have immolated my cook upon the spot, and at
the instant, but as he had in charge to roast me
a leg of East Greenland mutton for dinner,
I patriotically granted his pardon-at plea-
'sure.
We struck upon a coral rock, and, in the opi-
nion of my crew, the vessel was in much dan-
ger of shipwreck; but I, who knew from expe-
rience, as well as Hawkesworth, Cooke, or Lord
Valentia, that coral beds are raised by worms,
and that worms are fond of human flesh, com-
manded my cook (in expiation of his former
crime) to be sunk with a copper sixty-four
pound shot round his neck. This amusing expe-
riment answered my expectations, every worm
left its shell to feed upon Donebrogue; conse-
quently the bed of coral, deprived of its usual
heaving support, fell to the bottom of the
ocean, and the Incombustible sailed on in tri-
umph.
४८
My crew, from these repeated proofs of mý
genius," relied upon me firmly for safety; they
obeyed me with fear and trembling; love had
no share in their feelings; in truth, I hate that
obedience which flows from affection, it affords
no gratification to a noble mind; I glory in hav-
1
60
MUNCHAUSEN'S
1
ing a slave to fan me whilst I sleep, and tremble
when I wake. For what are the lower orders of
men but wretches, who ought to exclaim to the
higher, in Zanga's we.ds,
"Born for your use, I live but to oblige you."
Poor Scotchmen becoming rich are always ac-
counted proud; pride has no share in my com-
position, but glorious ambition usurping her
place, leads me to trample on human forms:
my actions are not to be judged at the common
tribunal of mortal opinion. To the Goddess of
Chance I am solely indebted for my celebrity,
and the gods alone can say, "how well I have
done my duty to an unbelieving and ungrateful
world."
I have no time for further digression. Cap-
tain Long-Bow called me at day dawn, to say
that an island, apparently a league in circum-
ference, was under our lee. I rose, and after a
minute glance at it through a Dolland spy-glass,
clapped up the helm, and anchored near it in
seven fathoms water, on consulting my maps.
and charts, no such isle had been laid down in
Baffin's Bay; but I remembered that Captain
ADVENTURES.
61
Wilson had seen in the midst of the Atlantic,
a rock in the shape of a pig: and Admiral Sir
John Knight, G. C. B. in the Marlborough
seventy-four, narrowly escaped shipwreck on a
rock as high as the Peak of Teneriffe, which
rose before him to light at an hour of midnight
darkness, I naturally concluded "such things
may be;" and that this was another discovery
destined to illuminate the page of my eventful
voyage.
The variation of my compass here was from
seven to eight degrees south and east; but the
dense clouds hanging over head prevented
me from benefiting by taking the lunar alti-
tude.
I landed in the Rumford, my steam-boat.
The surface of this apparent island was very
slippery, covered here and there with sea-weed
and marine shrubs. The oyster plant, bearing
pearls in full bloom, flourished in abundance
and variety.
!
Whilst my men were employed in filling our
boats with fish and pearl-branches, the whole
shook convulsively, and I observed the part on
which I had landed sinking, drawing the ship
after it into the abyss of destruction. I rushed
G
62
MUNCHAUSEN'S
into my boat, set my steam wheels in motion,
and with one blow of my trusty Gill cut the
cable. The island then gradually sank; I hailed
the "Incombustible," received a tow-rope, and,
by the help of my steam, carried her a few
miles from danger. The roaring of waves, the
spouting of water ventilators and whirlpools,
that succeeded this island's total immersion, were
awful; even I, who had once been sucked into
the vortex of the Maelstroom, was appalled at
the sight.
My sagacity saved the ship and crew-and
perhaps I am the only person who can corrobo-
rate the statements of Guthrie, that the Kraken
of Norway does exist, and many of those
ships who sail and never return, are no doubt
lost by anchoring upon his back, supposing it
to be an island. I remark this as a caution
to mariners navigating the north seas, and I
hope they will not be inattentive to Munchau-
sen's warning
A
Upon my nearer approach to the heart of
Baffin's Bay, a shore of ice rose upon my view, and
it was with some difficulty I forced my way
through floating masses of concentrated hail,
which rolled in "island forms" on every side. A
ADVENTURES.
63
capacious bay or gap in the the main ice, invite l
my entrance, and I anchored near a pleasant
grove of sea-weed stems.
The air was pure, and we did not find the
cold excessive; in truth, I always kept the cook's
coppers boiling; and every half hour regaled my
crew with grog, hot and hot: which warming
their interior, rendered their exterior impenetrable
to the cold. Ah! place interest in a Scotch-
man's view, and he despises cold, hunger, scorn,
and present degradation.
I landed upon this solid block of ice, and alone.
walked up the country; when chance directed
me to a promontory, on the frightful edge of
which, I perceived several gigantic figures, twice
my own height, (and I am seven feet by Stokes's
military measuring pole, and upwards of thirty
stone by the Winchester bushel;) they were
clad in fish-skins, and held in their hands whale's
jaw-bones, to which were attached skin lines,
and were busily employed in bobbing for
whales.
I accosted these beings in a lingo of my own
which they perfectly understood, and saluted me
as a God. I did not foolishly exclaim-
"Nay cease to kneel, thy fellow servant I."
04
MUNCHAUSEN'S
What Alexander wished, I had accomplished;
on earth these mortals had never been, they lived
in caverns dug in ice; fed upon snow, hail, and
water, sometimes killing an emigrant bear: from
the bones of fish they construct sledges, which
were drawn by dogs, who also existed upon ice,
now and then treated with picking the bones
of a whale, a porpoise, or a river-horse, which
the natives not unfrequently hooked up in their
fishing excursions.
L
One of these sledges I have brought home
and lodged in the "sanctum sanctorum," with
other wonders. It may be relied upon as an
exact specimen of "savage architecture." To
preserve it in its original formation I spared no
pains; causing the carpenter of my ship to fix
it together with iron pins, and plate the bone
under bearings with the same metal. As it was
to be presented to the Prince Regent, a little
decoration became necessary; my carpenter there-
fore placed the resemblance of a lion on each
"upper timber," and engraved with his chissel
emblems of legitimate heraldry; upon the canopy,
formed of a pelican's maw, he traced the loves
of Abelard and Heloisa. Notwithstanding these
trifling improvements, the thing is still original;
ADVENTURES,
65
1
to the truth of which Sir Joseph Banks might
swear, if called upon.
My new-discovered friends having just drawn
out a whale, invited me to partake of a snack
before dinner; to this I agreed; a knife about
the size of an English scythe separated a young
whale from stem to stern. A fire appeared on
the ice, and in a short time I had my ration
served out to me in common with my friends.
They indeed made use of their fingers as Adam
and Eve did for knife and fork. I who had never been
used to claw my victuals into the place of masti-
cation, felt awkward; this was observed by the
chieftain, Don Wry-Jaw Squinty, who tendered
me his knife. I made but a sparing meal, and
at its conclusion requested Signior Wry-Jaw to
permit me to retain his knife; he did so, and, as
a specimen of natural art, I defy Europe to
produce its fellow.
My intention to penetrate into the interior cf
this country was not to be altered. I procured
from the savage inhabitants, a sledge, and forty
"bear dogs," but they persisted in asserting that
all beyond them was ice, and no good could be
expected from my excursion; I knew better, and
leaving my ship once more in charge of my first
G 2
66
MUNCHAUSEN'S
captain, I started for unknown climes. A high
block, or rather mountain, of iron stopped my
progress. On examination I found this mine to
be in a malleable state, and on a more narrow
inspection discovered hundreds of gigantic beings
beating it into the shape of knives, dishes, plates,
chamber-pots, and other useful domestic articles.
I set down in my tablet instantly, that iron is only
a child of ice, and heat is only the offspring of
cold.
J
As I advanced, the climate became more mild,
but in proportion to the climate's mildness, my
minds cloudiness increased, and I was afraid
that my senses would entirely sink in oblivion,
when a ray of light from Heaven shone over me;
a meteor similar to that which passed over Boc-
caccio, before he was admonished by the friar
to desist from novel writing, glided past; and a
voice of hollow sound exclaimed-
Lord of the lion's dauntless heart,
On nature's confines now thou art;
Explore! explore! then speed to the Pole,
Thou art of science the body and soul.
I had been so used to supernatural admoni-
{
1
1
ADVENTURES.
67
tions, that this did not astonish me. The day
was mild, nature seemed to sleep in her gentlest
mood, the birds that fluttered on every tree, but
did not sing, seemed to want somewhat to set
their organs in motion.
Fortunately I had my flute in my breeches
pocket, I gave a tune; the birds danced on every
spray, and universal harmony took place of
solemn silence.
I had just shot a bird, which I meant to call
(in spite of the Regent's philosopher, who I per-
mitted to accompany me,) Rossicrutiana, as
being a new species, when a cow, walking to-
wards me with a majestic air, requested my com-
pany to dine; I obeyed the summons, and, in a
circle of bulls and heifers, sat down crossed legged
to a repast in the Hindoo style. The scene be-
ing closed, I bade adieu to my friends, one of
whom presented me with a horn, which he assur-
ed me would yield milk whenever I pressed it, by
invoking the Goddess of Chance.
For some days I laboured in the interior of this
country, but nothing could I find except what
I had seen. I was returning to my ship, when
an outrè monster accosted me in broad Scotch,
with "Wha wants me?" "Not I," was my an-
68
MUNCHAUSEN'S
1
swer.
nan."
"Then what brought you into these quar-
ters? (said the brute;) I am Geordie Buchan-
"So much the better," I returned; "a
king's fool and liar must be an acquisition to me
at this moment.", "You," said George," are a
poet as well as a philosopher; sing my memory
over the grey stones, and let me rise in peace
to the hall of my fathers, via Ossian.
I acquiesed to the speaking animal's desire, and
noted down in my tablet this proof of a trans-
migration of souls.
After penetrating six thousand miles through a
frozen country, I proceeded on my return. Chance,
who conducted all my operations, led me to rest
under the ruins of a temple consecrated to Venus,
and in slumber I experienced every attention
waking beings afford to those under the influence
of sleep.
When I awoke, the splendour of the place
wherein I was reposing seemed nothing com-
pared to the polite manners of those who sur-
rounded me. I was on the point of expressing
my gratitude, when a hand "slap dash" (as a
swab on board of a man-of-war) encountered my
chops; and a noise, more terrific than an admi-
ralty secretary's when he says, " Half-pay officers
ADVENTURES.
69
go to h-ll; none of your claims are worthy
of earthly consideration," saluted me; as usual,
I did not long consider, but, drawing my sword,
exclaimed, "Dn the world, and all its
woes!" Advancing, I found and saw what may be
recorded in the annals of the seventh heaven of
St. Paul, "whether out of the body, or in the
spirit, I know not, or care.”
I saw before me the spirit of Baffin; he seemed
much dejected, (I decline a description of any
spirit, as all are alike--all shadows) and said,
"That although he hailed my presence with de-
light, he was sure I would eclipse his glories in
another hemisphere; and that Baffin's Bay would
hereafter be termed Munchausen's inlet." I pre-
sented him with a "Bon Ton Magazine,"
(wherein Polar expeditions are ridiculed,) and
bade him adieu.
Proceeding on my course a few hundred leagues
farther, I stumbled upon a colony of Welch In-
dians. By a kind of natural instinct they ad-
hered to the idea of having descended from our
neighbours, the fabled descendants of Llewellyn.
Their theory may be a true one; as, according
to the practice of the present day, “We must
trust all to hearsay."
70
MUNCHAUSEN'S
:
I handed to them the Bible in Welch stereo-
type, which they could read. But as the French
Talmaites turn our Shakspeare into melo-drame,
so these Indians turned the sacred volume into
ridicule, and praised David, the ballad-maker of
Israel, as we praise old Dibdin.
This was of no importance to me; I had no
more to do with the morals of these people than
Doctor Ford, the late ordinary of Newgate, had
to do with the morals of those he was paid for
correcting; but to leave them in ignorance, con-
signed to damnation.
Many mountains I had lambered up, and
many weary plains I had traversed, when at length
a ray from on high illuminated me. I beheld
the moon glide through heaven's concave, the
tide expand, compress, and recede, and terrors
unfelt before siezed me. A silent voice (vide
Marmion) whispered, and loudly exclaimed-
"Thou art right!" This exclamation added vi-
gour to my soul; though a spirit, in the costume
of rebellion, bawled out "Stop!" I halted, and
enquired, "Whence and what art thou, execra-
ble shape!" "I am," said the spectre," the
Genius of Hibernia, condemned to exist in these
bleak domains until ratimal reform breaks the
ADVENTURES.
71
spell, and emancipates me from a bondage worse
than death. I have long expected to see thee;
thou who art destined to give freedom to my
native land. After thy toils are over remember
me, and send an order for my disenchantment."
"Welcome! wade thro' hottest fires!
"Welcome, the pride and prince of liars!
"CHANCE will guard thee, hie to the Pole,
"CHANCE take care of thy life and soul.'
This was loudly re-echoed from a number of
voices; to which I was preparing a reply when
instinct whispered treason. I immediately sent,
in a whisper, my orders to Captain Long-Bow
to beware of treachery, and desired him to kill
every living soul he could come at.
My commands were obeyed, and I had the
satisfaction, on my return to Snowflower Bay,
to see “Rachael weeping for her children be-
cause they were not."
Experience had taught me wisdom. The spi-
rit had fled, and I once more embarked for ad-
venture on board the Rumford. I clapped cop-
per spikes at the end of each flip-flap, which,
sticking in the ice, made my progress on land as
72
MUNCHAUSEN's
rapid as that upon sea, save a little jolting. It
must be granted, a ship sailing over land is a
desideratum in navigation of the utmost impor-
tance. But, alas! to my own sorrow I must let
the world know a system of navigation which
will render quadrants, compasses, &c. of no more
use than a feather in a gale.
In the centre of a world of ice I brought my
steam-boat to an anchor. The lake on which
she floated might possibly exceed in circumference
that of Brador in the isle of Cape Breton (an
island immortalized from the fact of his Grace
the Duke of Newcastle having discovered, during
the siege of its capital, Louisbourg, that the
gulph of Saint Lawrence separated it from
Canada.)
On all sides the ice was covered with shrubs
whose nature I was unacquainted with; potatoes
grew upon stalks above ground, but were of a
sweet nature, sickening to the taste as woman's
milk to an adult.
Night approaching, I slept on board, under
the lee of my coal-boiler; neglecting to draw
over me the tarpaulin awning, a heavy fall of
snow broke my slumbers, and when the sun rosẹ
over the mountains I perceived they were clad in
ADVENTURES.
73
red vestments, the snow upon my decks being of
the same colour. This phenomena attracted my
attention, and I proceeded to analyze a portion
of it; my coal-fire was very à-propos; the scoop
for bailing water out of my boat answered for a
crucible, and, on the most accurate elucidation,
I discovered vinegar, pepper, cloves, and allspice,
to be part of its composition; a strong smell of
red cabbage (the smell of which materially differs
from white) pervaded my nostrils. Not satisfied
with my own conclusions on so very important a
subject, I emptied my flask of brandy, and filled
it with red snow; which flask is now in possession
of the materia medica, not one member of which
can discover in it any thing but what may be
discovered in white snow.
Multitudes of birds hovered over me,
and
often shut me out from the light of the sun,
scattering their dung in much the same manner
as Dean Swift's Yahoos, and to much the same
vurpose, annoying all mankind.
It may not be improper for me to remark in
this place, that some of the wiseheads have given
their opinion on my bottle of snow, that it had
fallen from heaven in a white state, but had
H
74
MUNCHAUSEN'S
1
;
been changed to red, from resting upon the ex-
crements of birds. Now I never knew, in the
course of my travels, birds to evacuate vermillion
nor was the excrements of these birds, in the
"red-snow regions," different from any I have
seen in European pigeon-houses; but profes-
sional men must say something, and dare not pro-
fess ignorance on any subject, however foreign
to their occupation.
I would enlighten their ideas on this impor-
tant occasion, but I will not; let them blunder on
in ignorance. Posterity (as the immortal Bruce
says) will do justice to my accuracy; but there
is one wonderful property in this snow, which I
shall state for the good of my fellow creatures,
and the encouragement of trade.
This red snow possesses all the properties of
soap; I have shaved with it, washed with it, and
even been scrubbed with it. No traces of red
are left behind it, and like fuller's earth, it eradi-
cates stains. I tried its powers upon a pair of
small clothes, which, in certain places, had as-
sumed a yellowish hue, and they came from the
tub a complete white corderoy.,
The utmost efforts of the human genius are
•

ARA
3147
235
Munchausen shaved and lathered with red Snow
ADVENTURES.
75
liable to be traversed by the designs of the
wicked. My genius has discovered red snow;
philosophy may oppose me as to its reality, but
it will only oppose to be defeated. Munchauser
has not travelled the wide world in vain, he
knows a ball of dung from a ball of snow, which
is more than half the Royal Society can say, and
speak truth.
I was sorry I had no more bottles to preserve
snow in, but the specimen I have brought home
is sufficient to occupy the attention of science,
and stimulate the exertions of trade. The Earl
of Warwick's mud-soap could only be bought;
red snow soap may be had for the trouble of ga-
thering, and the expence of fitting out ships to
convey it home will be very trivial; to be sure a
pilot will be necessary, and I am not inclined to
grant my services to any one, unless amply re-
munerated for my trouble.
I prepared to depart from what I had named
Regent Lake, and as I was in the act of stepping
on board the Rumford, a man in the full uniform
of the British navy, such as it was forty years
ago, (when epaulets were not worn as marks for
the enemy,) accosted me. Startled at such an.
6
MUNCHAUSEN'S
appearance, in such a place, I drew my sword.
"Be not alarmed," said he, "I am thy brother
officer and friend; my name is Clerke, once second
in command to the immortal Cooke. I lay buried
in Kamchatka, but my spirit walks the earth and
ice, as you now see me. I heard by visible
means of your attempts to discover the Pole,
and am come to advise you upon the business."
I instantly spread my awning, and Captain Clerke,
or his ghost, sat down and partook of some cold
ham and real Jamaica grog. That spirits can
eat, we have a wonderful proof in scripture,
Manoah, the father of Sampson, boiled a whole
kid, at which "the angel did wondrously," which,
I apprehend, means to eat with a good appetite,
rather ravenously.
"Direct your course," said the spirit of Clerke,
"to what is called Sir John Lancaster's Sound,
you will find through it a passage to the Pole.
Sir John's Sound does not lead direct to the Pole,
but carries you a long way south into Behring's
Straits, which is the real canal leading to other
worlds. Many difficulties you will have to en-
counter, but boldly defy them all; twelve hundred
leagues beyond the Pole, I will again meet you.”
ADVENTURES.
77
The benign spirit then (after taking a quid of
tobacco from my seal-skin pouch,) bade me
farewell.
I set my steam in motion, and soon was pro-
pelled to the Incombustible; here I hoisted Rum-
ford on board, spread my sails, and bade adieu to
red snow and savage men.
M 2
78
MUNCHAUSEN'S
2.
CHAPTER V.
LAND of a terrific description appeared in my
front, huge chasms were visible between every
mountain, and water gushed in torrents from the
hills; the rolling surge dashed in billows against
the shore, and the prospect was that of desola-
tion and death to all who ventured an approach.
Heedless of consequences, I steered along, and
at last had the satisfaction to hear Muckyweezen
bawl from the forecastle, "Starboard the helm,
and we will enter a fine sound." I ordered the
helmsman to obey, and we sailed into an ocean,
!
ADVENTURES.
79%
or river, some hundred leagues in breadt'ı, where
not a breeze ruffled the face of the waters. Our
path became gradually more narrow, as we pro-
ceeded, and the shore, from being of a pleasing
verdure, assumed the appearance of untamed
nature.
Fires gleamed on either hand, such as Near-
chus witnessed in his inconceivable voyage, and
the waves were illuminated with sparks of blue
and green.
At a narrow part of the inlet, which bore a
striking resemblance to the place, where the
African Society chose to kill Mungo Park, I
had to encounter a sad peril; all the devils in
hell seemed to be arrayed in battalia on either
side of my ship, and threatened defiance to me.
The spirits of Doubt hovered round, and I
observed amongst them Anson, Byron, Sir James
Mandeville, Philip Quarle, and Robinson Crusoe.
The spirit of Anson exclaimed, that I was
going to expose his falsities concerning the Isle
of Tinian. Byron swore my discoveries would
render his account of America questionable, and
sink his Patagonians to the size of common
Nevertheless I steered on, and after en-
countering rocks, shoals, and all the variety of
men.
80
MUNCHAUSEN's
misfortunes which attend nautical adventures,
a scene broke upon my sight unrivalled, except
by Addison's vision of Mirza.
Millions of islands bloomed in perpetual glory,
and millions of people hailed my advance as a
deity, sent to add blessings where it might be
supposed additional blessings could not be
wanted.
I endeavoured in vain to approach the shores
in my steam-boat, the waves repelled my advance,
and I was hailed from the shore, to say that
my attempt was vain, but after my return from
the Pole the gates of the Elysian fields would
be opened to me.
As I have before expressed, ambition is no
part of my creed, but I entertain an idea of
public justice to myself, which makes me wish
to be known as the hero of my own adventures..
I have now passed the confines of Lancaster's
Sound, and am entering upon the glories of a
new world. Reason must be riveted to her seat;
Imagination fixed to her province; and all the
functions with which nature has endowed me,
be called into action to describe things never
known, and of which the wise and foolish, are.
alike ignorant. The barriers to the Pole are
:
*
ADVENTURES.
SI
hurst, I proceed thither in haste and confidence.
The islands before me lay beautifully diver-
sified, and present a scene none of us had
ever contemplated, even in imagination.
Finding I could not land in my steam-boat, all
I could accomplish was to fling overboard four
bull dogs, and four game cocks and hens; the
latter settled upon a lofty tree, the former were
seized by the inhabitants, who seemed in rapture
with their new visitors.
Returning on board, I made all sail possible
on the ship, as the time was not arrived when I
could be permitted to tread the fields of Elysium,
I hastened from a prospect which created feelings
of regret and severe disappointment.
The Incombustible sailed with more than or-
dinary rapidity, and a few hours brought me to
Behring's Straits, into which I penetrated with
a fine breeze.
Entertaining a desire to revisit America, no
sooner had I descried the opening which led to
the Pole, than I sheered over to the Ameri-
can side, and brought my vessel to an anchor in
a hundred fathoms water, within a stone's throw
of the land.
The weather was mild and the sky clear, which
82
MUNCHAUSEN'S
1
afforded me the means of taking an observation,
and settling my longitude exactly; 97" 12° was
the result, and I congratulated myself on being
as near to the Pole as Bruce was to the source
of the Nile, when he observed at Gondar the
capital of Abyssinia.
Our provisions were now becoming scarce,
and those we had left were in a putrid state;
fortunately the ground on which I landed was
covered with Indian corn, and every tree crowded
with pheasants and turkeys. A discharge of
grape-shot from a twelve-pounder, placed in the
Rumford's bow, brought two thousand five hun-
dred of them to the earth, which my crew in-
stantly skinned, and salted down in casks. The
Indian corn I ordered to be cut down and thrash-
ed, log-houses to be erected, ovens constructed,
and biscuits to be baked by my return.
The lofty trees surrounding my temporary set-
tlement, I observed were maple; I ordered them
to be bled, and they yielded plenty of sugar; the
birch tree leaves made excellent tea, and with a
plentiful stock of real Antigua on board, I left
my crew in the enjoyment of every comfort, and
set out to endure every privation in quest of
knowledge.
ADVENTURES.
83
On the south-west side of the Apalachian
mountains I met with a mammoth asleep, his
services would have been very essential to my
undertakings, but these animals are very revenge-
ful when roused from sleep, so I passed him by,
only cutting a slip from his ear, (which is now in the
Museum, and occupies philosophical attention to
ascertain whether it is flesh, fungus, or papyrus.)
The country beyond the Apalachian mountains
was delightful, and if a canal were cut from the
Lake of Serpents, to join the swamp of Oswego,
that swamp made navigable, and connected with
the river of Amazons, this place would be well
adapted for Emigrant settlers, and, under the
care of my Lord Selkirk, would thrive astonish-
ingly. The distance to be cut through is not
more than three thousand miles, and few moun-
tains to be perforated about five miles broad at the
base. The judicious managers of the Highgate
Archway and the Gravesend Tunnel, under my
directions, could soon execute this plan, and at a
cheap rate.
Descending a gentle declivity spangled with
flowers unknown to a European climate, the
spires and turrets of an immense city appeared
to my view.
1
64
MUNCHAUSEN's
i
Accustomed to wonders, the sight caused no
surprise. At the gate of the city I was wel-
comed by a Rabbi. I am not so strict a Chris-
tian but I can fraternally embrace a Jew. Here
I had stumbled upon the ten tribes of Israel un-
accounted for in Scripture, who had existed here
under the good old law unknown to all the world:
in truth, they believed no nation existed but them-
selves. Their temple was a fac-simile of that
built by Solomon the apostate. I intended to
have sketched it, but as Saint Martin's church is
an exact resemblance, I spared myself the trouble.
These good people directed my course to the
north, where they assured me a people existed
whom they called Linenites, from their manufac-
turing that article, and sending it in caravans an-
nually to New Jerusalem for sale.
I felt no want in my travels; the bread-fruit
hung on trees ready baked by the sun; pounds
of butter and genuine Stilton cheese grew on
gooseberry-bushes, and I had only to bore a
brandicea tree for spirits.
I had some difficulty in finding the people to
whom I was directed; but at last, from the sum-
mit of a high hill, I discerned a country covered
with potatoe blossoms, no other shrub or plant
ADVENTURES,
$5
being visible on the surface of the earth. I
justly considered myself approximating to the
neighbourhood of the Linenites, and very soon
met a most cordial reception from Brian Boru,
King of Hibernia. Report has long assigned to
the Irish a settlement in America: I am now able
to confirm the fact.
These people could not account for their ex-
istence in a region so remote from the island of
Saints. Tradition, indeed, handed down to them
the fable that an evil spirit called OPPRESSION had
been sent from England to Ireland, which caused
their ancestors to quit the country.
Having a copy of Florence Macarthy in my
pocket which. I had brought with me, I submitted it
to Brian Boru's consideration. The Irish-English
in which it was written rendered it partly unin-
telligible to him; however, he recognised enough
in it to convince him I had brought it from the
"land of blunders," and begged so earnestly of
me to leave it with him, that I yielded to his im-
portunities.
1
On searching the torn and defaced memorials
of these peoples' origin; I had the satisfaction
to see the name of Morgan, in the column
headed, "Authors of pleasing nonsense;" and
I
86
MUNCHAUSEN'S
again under the head of "authors who live upon
national vanity, without an atom of genius."
No doubt now exists in my mind, but that the
authoress of Florence Macarthy, is a descendant
of this Morgan, who appears to be a great tra-
veller, as the writings put down to his name, are
some of them dated from Mount Ida, others
from Athens and the Lake of Killarney, and
one from Paris: the latter I saw a mutilated
copy of; indeed, I intended to have borrowed it
for the purpose of translation, but on a careful
perusal I discovered it to be so very unlike
France at the present day, that I abandoned the
idea, lest people should suspect me of being an
impostor, and describing scenes I had never wit-
nessed.
Brian Boru expressed himself in terms of
gratitude for my present; he decorated me with
"the order of the potatoe," and consigned to
my care the "star of nonsense" for the fair au-
thoress. I have not yet delivered the insignia, as
the obscurity in which this novelist exists is not
to be penetrated with facility; the booksellers
affirm their ignorance of her abode, and the
players, from whom she is descended, have not seen
her "blue stocking" for years.
ADVENTURES.
87
I bade farewell to this insulated monarch,
after having described an arch of the meridian
from Whiskey Mountain, which overshadowed
his capital.
On my return to the settlement opposite my
ship I was highly gratified. Captain Gulliver
Long-Bow had prepared stores for a year's voy-
age; and by dint of perseverance had discovered
a_sugar-pit; a fountain of lime-juice, and a gar-
den of ready boiled cabbages.
I called my crew together, and after thanking
them for their steady-obedience, since I discover-
ed (by inspiration) their mutiny, and hanged a
parcel of them off, I announced our vicinity to
the Pole, and called upon them to support me
in the last arduous struggle.
Three cheers was their answer, an order for
a tub, of grog mine, and we broke ground with
hilarity.
$$
MUNCHAUSEN'S
CHAPTER VI.
A
THE Asiatic shore "loomed" beautiful, but I
did not attempt to land. The Aleutian islands ap-
peared on our windward bow, which terminated
the discoveries of Behring. The gale blew
brisk, and the Incombustible rushed from the
strait into the Polar ocean, where never before
ship had swam-or man breathed.
The gale blowing steadily like a trade-wind, I
directed my crew to retire to. rest, and myself
took the helm, as I always do when importan
events are about to be disclosed.
ADVENTURES.
89
The sun rose in grandeur, and more brilliant
than I had witnessed for some years; not a
single cloud sailed over head, and the breeze
which impelled us forward was only felt in
the sails, and seemed to die away upon the
deck.
All nature appeared hushed into peace; yet I
felt an awfuł sensation creep through my whole
frame; and my heart beat with a rapidity un-
known to my bosom.
A clap of thunder roused my slumbering spi-
rits, my eyes became enlightened, and a voice from
an invisible being comforted me with the following
soul-cheering strains.
Welcome, welcome, great MUNCHAUSEN,
Gladly welcome to the Pole;
Enterprise may call thee her son,
Science call thee life and soul.
Thou hast conquer'd earth and ocean,
Nature bends to thy controul;
Heaven to thee bends with devotion,
Mortal bless'd-behold the Pole!
I. 2
90
MUNCHAUSEN'S
Directing mine eyes straight forward, I saw an
immense mass of timber, in circumference greater
than the mainmast of a first-rate, and in height by
eye-measurement a thousand miles, on the top
of this a cross was placed, which I soon knew
to be of magnetic power, as the needle of my
compass pointed steadily to it. This column rose
from the ocean, and at its base the sea laved in
tranquillity.
My crew I now knocked up, and in libations
of grog made them hail the Pole; our anchors
were prepared, and I had an intention of bring-
ing to near the tremendous obelisk, when a
counter-current swept the ship some leagues to
the east, and I observed a great beam extended
horizontally to prevent my passage. Upon this
I stuck my anchor, and prepared for my ascent,
as I was determined to surmount the Pole.
I had sat down in my cabin to record events,
when a spirit appeared before me; at which I was
no more alarmed than Job or Macbeth. His fro-
zen cap sat gracefully on his forehead, his snow-
white mantle flowed to his feet; and I was not
unprepared to hear him announce himself as the
Spirit of the Pole.
ADVENTURES.
91
He threatened me with vengeance if I pre-
sumed to ascend the summit of his power. His
threats I despised, and desired him to walk off
by the way he came. He vanished indignantly,
and, as I proposed to see him again at Phillippi,
I heeded not his anger, nor dreaded his vengeance.
An honest intention can never be defeated by
vice or fiction.
The beam on which I had fixed my anchor, I
soon saw to be the Axletree of the World, and
that the Pole was no more than a sprout from it.
Aware that I could not climb the Pole without
adventitious aid, I set my blacksmith to construct
me ancle spurs, and wrist spurs, of copper; this-
he was not long in doing, and having committed
my ship to the care of Captain Gulliver, I em-
barked on board the Rumford for the Pole.
My steam drove me forward with considerable
velocity, and at the base of the Pole I anchored
fearless of consequences; I stript for my excur-
sion, and with the strength of a gladiator, ascended
the pinnacle of glory.
My ancle spurs were excellent, my wrist's were
also the same, and I soon mounted to the parallel
of longitude, which I corrected on my tablets,
92
MUNCHAUSEN'S
and marked as my reward from the Board at
home.
As I advanced in height, I perceived the depth
of my knowledge decrease, but the knowledge
of another world, made me ample amends for the
loss of the old one.
My spurs stuck into the Pole with ease, and
on reaching the harbour of science, I rested in
confidence of attaining the summit, and accom-
plishing all the ends of navigation.
This was an important station, and a most in-
teresting one to me; I did not sit idly wasting
precious time. The arbour wherein I reposed
was a kind of nook cut in the Pole, not strewed
with roses, but thorns and brambles, which pre-
vented me from taking a nap, as I proposed to
myself after so tiresome and dangerous a journey.
Many a one, to be sure, slumbers on their path
to the summit of science, and imagine they have
reached it, when it proves to be only the sand-
hill of nonsense, which crumbling beneath their
feet, precipitates them into the abyss of igno-
rance, far below the place whence they set out.
In a corner of this uneasy resting place, I
perceived the door of a beaufet, consisting of
ADVENTURES.
93
one entire diamond, fastened by emarald clasps,
I surveyed it for a while with reverential awe, aud
wisely judged a valuable treasure must be con-
cealed inside of so splendid a casket, and that
I was the hero destined to explore it.
I kneeled and offered a prayer to the Goddess
of Chance, imploring her assistance to enlighten
my understanding by the events of this uncom-
mon transaction. Approaching the door, I read
an inscription in a language no earthly being but
myself understands. "Seek, wisdom and she will
be found of thee," was the meaning of the words;
with one blow of iny sabre, I shattered to atoms
the door, and seized a golden book marked
"The History of Science," eagerly opened it,
and found every leaf--a blank; vexed and dis-
appointed, I left the place. My ascent up the
Pole, after this, was rapid, and I never halted
until I came to a notch called "Doubt's resting-
place," on which I sat for a very short time,
collected my senses, and again sticking my spurs
into the Pole, advanced upwards.
I soon overtopped the magnetic cross, which
had no effect upon me, and drawing from my
bosom a union flag, I reared it upon the point
of my sword, and proclaimed George the Third
94
MUNCHAUSEN'S
Monarch of the Polar Regions, whilst my ship
fired a salute of two hundred guns, which, from
my elevation, seemed like the faint sound of dis-
tant thunder.
The height upon which I now was elevated,
as nearly as I could guess, might be a thousand
miles above the surface of the earth, or ocean,'
and the prospect below me was inexpressibly
grand.
The sun, moon, and stars, revolved beneath,
or rather remained stationary, and all around the
atmosphere breathed incence; before me lay all the
kingdoms of the world, and I had a striking type.
given me of what was likely to result from my
discoveries, and other mysteries I am forbidden
to unravel, and must leave to the reader's own
exposition.
The Georgium Sidus appeared in the shape
of a bottle conjurer. The planet Venus like a
peeress riding in a garden chair, drawn by a little
Shetland poney, and vainly puffing at the half
extinguished torch of love. The Pleiades, or
vulgarly Charles's wain, seemed a judge sitting
on the bench, putting out a two-penny dip with
his wig, and before him burnt seven wax lights:
many may deem this tale "false as hell," but I
ADVENTURES.
95
·
pledge my honour to its truth.
Ganymede figured
as a well-known prime minister and bottle holder.
Proteus bore a strong resemblance to a jackall,
such as I have seen in England under the name
of "Triangle Jack." Upon Earth I saw a
royal duke sending navigation to pot on account
of my discoveries. Britannia sat drinking cheap
tea, brought by the Polar Passage from India.
A prince, I remarked, going a hunting for jewels,
riding on a griffin. All these and many more
were given to my astonished view; I took out my
tablets, and drew an exact sketch of my situation
and this scene of wonders, which the reader will
find accurately engraved in the frontispiece to
these adventures.
My friend, the Polar Spirit, stood at my elbow,
and seemed willing to be very communicative.
I permitted him to chatter, though I knew his
services were compulsive, and therefore did not
put much faith in his relations.
I gathered from him, that cattle grazing was
much practized in the upper regions, and that the
appearance of what we on earth term
"the
milky way," was owing to the animals, who, in
summer are always fostered in parks and en-
closures, are in winter driven north, where her-
424
96
MUNCHAUSEN'S
bage flourishes in the clefts of the mountains,
The sudden transition from heat to cold, occa-
sions a milk fever, which overflows the pastures
of heaven, and the moon's reflection upon which
makes it sufficiently, resplendent to attract earthly
notice.
I did not remain long in my high situation;
eager in my thirst after knowledge, and having
attained the summit of my present hopes, I de-
scended to prosecute my future; not content with
arriving at the Pole, I decided to pass it, and that
without delay.
The sea beyond the Pole appeared calm and
inviting, but on landing fron. ny elevation, I
found difficulties to overcome, I little expected
to contend with.
The fog had dispersed, and the Incombustible
bore full upon my view. The place where I
had anchored her was not one of great security,
but a better, perhaps, could not be found near
the Pole:
I resolved to dash by the Pole under full sail,
and explore all beyond it, when Captain Gulli-
ver Long-Bow directed iny attention to the huge
piece of copper, thick as the steeple of St. Paul's,
but whose extremities I could not discern. Here
1
ADVENTURES.
97
apparently was my ne plus ultra; Science came
to my aid; the axletree of the world appeared
no longer impassable.
-
Fancy, folly, or affection, has long made us
believe the world to be round, or oval, in truth
it is neither. Imagine to yourself, O reader!
half a wine-pipe tied to a pole, and borne upon
two mens' shoulders; imagine this, and you have
a tolerable idea of the formation of the globe.
Plane sailing is that generally in practice, and
by which we scud through the ocean tolerably
correct. I am glad to have it in my power to say,
that plane sailing is the only mode by which ships
can be correctly navigated.
A trip in my steam-boat to the extremities of
the world's axletree, settled a point in my mind
of very great importance. The axletree I saw
resting upon pillars of jasper, the foundations of
which (for aught I know) may be millions of
leagues below or above human conception, and
I clearly saw sun, moon, and stars, revolving
round the earth.
The sun, I can assure mankind, has not any
thing to do with the moon.-The moon no more
to do with the tides, than Mr. Howard Payne
with Shakespeare. The real theory of the tides,
K
98
MUNCHAUSEN'S
is only to be attributed to the watering parties
of Dame Juno, alternately short and long in their
duration.
It was in vain that I addressed my crew on the
policy of attempting a trip beyond the Pole;
terror pervaded every bosom, and even Mucky-
weezen shrunk from the daring enterprize. I
therefore consigned my ship to the care of Gul-
liver Long-Bow, and, alone in the Rumford,
pushed down to accomplish a passage over the
axletree of the world.
The copper pins I had fixed in the flip-flaps,
for [the purpose of travelling over ice, answered
my object here. I rose with considerable quick-
ness, and descended with a velocity unexampled;
my boat settled in an ocean, perfectly calm, and
except a milky appearance, differed not essentially
from the Anti-Polar Pacific.
My compass I now discovered to be useless,
and that I had not any thing to trust to but my
own intrepidity. The high rolling billows by
which I was surrounded, led me to believe that
I had entered the Indian ocean, and as I ob-
served the Georgium Sidus before my prow, I
was certain of being near a portion of the do-
minions beneath the sway of George the Third.
ADVENTURES.
99
The ocean continued to favour me, and a large
island heaving in sight, I steered myself towards
it, and anchored in the harbour of Trincomalee,
in the Island of Ceylon, landing without delay.
None of the government officers of high rank
were at home, the rebellion having called them
all out on duty.
The reception I met with was very flattering,
and an announcement of a passag
Pole rendered applause tumultuous.
across the
The governor of this island was occupied in
the interior, suppressing a rebelliou, that is, in
plain English, an attempt of a native prince to
recover his hereditary possessions. I did not
want to see the governor, and as I travelled alone,
the necessity of a passport was not much felt, by
me at least.
My wish to ascend the mountain where Abra-
ham left the impression of his foot upon a stone,
was very great; I knew little of jungles, and all
their terrific inhabitants, but as I never did any
ill, I never dreaded any, and in my advance not
a thought ever crossed me but what breathed
66
peace on earth and good will to mankind.”
The ascent of Mount Abraham was very
rugged, in truth, as rugged as the path to proba˜
100
MUNCHAUSEN'S
bility, in labouring through the whole of that
patriarch's story, illustrated in the history of the
Jews.
Nevertheless I arrived at the summit, and in
defiance of the threats of Cingalese Brahmas,
who foretold instant death would ensue) I placed
my right foot into the impression left by father
Abraham some thousand years preceding, and
found no consequences to ensue, but what I ex-
pected. The Bralimas affected great surprise,
and seemed to have an inclination to worship
me as a god; this I prevented by asking them
for a draught of Madeira, and we parted good
friends. My name they insisted upon engraving
on the stone, and I attended to see it placed by
the side of Perceval and Collins, whose stories
will, no doubt, exist beyond our empire over
Ceylon.
ADVENTURES.
101
CHAPTER VII.
t
FROM the harbour of Trincomalee, I sailed for
the Island of Ramiseram, which I knew to be
the fountain of all Indian superstition, and also
the centre of great knowledge.
My approach to the temple was announced by
ten thousand devotees singing, dancing, and
using all those gestures, at which English modesty
revolts, and French delicacy lauds in praise.
I did not find this temple to answer the superb
description of historians. Perceval gives it pil-
lars of brass, and steps of ivory, inlaid with silver.
K 2
102
MUNCHAUSEN'S
I trod upon steps formed of common lime stone,
inlaid with dirt, and the heads of Bondha where
formed of Portland stone. The nymphs of the
temple sung the following hymn.-
Portland stone, at the world's zone,
Is always loved and courted,
To heaven we always bend alone,
To hell we have never resorted.
BONDHA is the God of Love,
Stranger, hero, turn thee;
Passions sweet thy soul will move,
In rapture's flames will burn thee.
Bosoms swelling court thy kiss,
Shew thy path to glory,
Come, and on the bower of bliss
Expire, and rise in story.
Accustomed so much to be disappointed in
love, I paid small attention to these ladies, and
pressed forward to the residence of Bondha.
The pillars on either side of his palace were
finely carved, and all of Portland stone, a present
from the East India Company.
ADVENTURES,
103
Shah Nash Vesha received me at the second
court entrance; his dress reminded me of that
worn by Aaron, the high priest, and described
by his brother Moses.
The saloon into which I was next introduced
was spacious, and on a couch resembling mar-
ble reclined the deity of the Cingalese, the god
of the Hindoos. I did not approach sufficiently
near to ascertain whether marble was really
and truly his resting place, or of what materials
his garment was made. His address to me was
uncommonly polite for a god. "Eighteen hundred
years ago," he said, "he knew me under another
name; time had not changed a feature of my
countenance, or whithered a hair of my head;
but my manners and principles," he added, "were
much altered."-"My sentiments," I retorted,
"were swayed by the times, and uncontroulable
by myself." This the god assented to, and en-
quired if I had any intention to proceed to the
main continent of India. He seemed much dis-
pirited when I said "Yes," but soon recovering
himself, said, “You can obtain little knowledge
there, but what I can give you. What do you
wish to know?" "The manner in which men
may be enabled to navigate beyond the Pole."
101
MUNCHAUSEN'S
is
Depend upon Chance, and you can never fail.”
I had so long depended upon Chance, that I was
inclined to accede to Bondha's suggestion; rea-
son determined me to enquire further, to establish
a thing soundly on the foundation of reason.
Bondha's suggestions were very good, and as
he agreed with me in the propriety of settling a
matter deliberately, I accorded to his custom.
Little was to be discovered beyond the Pole,
but what I had a knowledge of on this side; all
my guesses had been just, yet I thought much
information might be obtained from Bondha; in
this I was disappointed, and I decided on return-
ing instantly from the Pole, and telling my tale
of glory in the most favourable manner. John
Bull, I knew, was credulous, but I was aware
that he would not be amused unless my tale was
very marvellous indeed.
Before I took my departure from Ramise-
ram, shocked by the impiety of the natives, I
made an effort to convert them. Having attended
the meetings of the Haldanites at Edinburgh
and at other places, and those of Tozer, (the
well known high priest of Johanna Southcott.)
I had acquired a tolerable smack of delivering
my sentiments on religious subjects. Bondha
ADVENTURES.
105
rose upon his elbow to attend to my discourse;
the chief of the priests and dancing girls attended,
though not in silence; they had no idea of the
respect we pay to the hearing of God's word,
and it was with much persuasion, I induced them
to order the bells, gongs, &c. to stop, which had
commenced a hideous concert, as usually practised
when Bondha is to be worshipped.
I commenced with a hymn set to music by
Wesley, and of a very lively description; this was
echoed by them with rapturous shouts, and very
lascivious gestures. I then ascended a pedestal
covered with crimson and gold, placed there for
the purpose; I expatiated warmly on the truth
of my doctrine, and the fallacy of theirs. I could
by no means make them them believe that fast-
ing and mortification were more acceptable in
the eyes of heaven than feasting and sensuality;
but when I declared that in heaven there was no
marrying, or giving in marriage, they with one ac-
cord bawled out, they would have none of my
heaven, and I was obliged to descend from my
pulpit, lamenting that "the hour was not yet
come."
In truth, if I had not been rapid in my descent,
¿
106
MUNCHAUSEN'S
and more rapid in my retreat, I have reason to ap-
prehend, I should have had the honour to ter-
minate my existence in a sacrifice to Bondha,
as I heard him whisper a female demon, to bring
forth the sacred fire, and though I knew I could
resist flame, from the charm I wore round my
neck, on the other side of the Pole; I had never
experienced its efficacy on this side, and was not
such a fool, as to stake my existence entirely on
Chance upon this occasion. I therefore sud-
denly drew my scymetar, proceeding to cut my
way indiscriminately and without remorse through
men, women, and children.
My name will be long remembered in Ra-
miseram, as I am sure I sent to the Stygian
shores full five hundred souls to answer for their
impious conduct. The crew pursued me indeed
to the beach, but when I sprang into the Rum-
ford, stirred up my fire, and set the flip-flaps to
work, they fell on their knees in gaping terror/
and real dismay, having never seen a vessel in
their lives, but what was impelled by oars or
sails; they conceived my boat to be a living mon-
ster spouting flame; and, dreading vengeance, they
not only put up my image in their temple, but
ADVENTURES.
107
sacrificed to me upon the pedestal where I had
so vainly held forth to them on faith, hope, and
immortality.
I directed my course to the Ganges, but had
the misfortune to encounter a violent tempest,
which put out my fire, and of course put an end
to my progress. In this extremity I had no re-
course but to drive at the mercy of the wind and
waves; three days I drove in this manner, drench-
ed with rain and without food, when a shoal of
flying-fish, pursued by a dolphin, dropt into my
boat, and were essentially the means of preserv-
ing my life. I untied my sash, and rending it in
pieces, yoked twelve score of them, four abreast,
fastening the end to the Rumford's prow. Mak-
ing a whip of the remaining part of my sash, I
tied it on the end of a boat-hook staff, and driving
the whole overboard, they flew before, and drew
me on at a rapid rate; I permitted them now
and then to wet their wings, and then lashed them
up again to labour.
No curricle horses ever
drew better, and we were not long in running
through the storm into a smooth sea.
A coast appeared in view which I well knew was
not that near the Ganges, which is flat and bar-
108
MUNCHAUSEN'S
ren; this rose in immense masses of mountains
covered with trees that appeared to hide their
upper branches in the clouds: many of them
covered with blossoms.
I drove into a creek, in which I unharnessed
my amphibious hurses, and gave them liberty.
By the aid of two pieces of wood I kindled my
fire, (my pistols being drenched with water were
of no use for that purpose at present.) I next
ballasted my boat with blocks of wood, as my
coals began to run low; and regaled myself
with figs cut up into thirty-eight tolerable sized
mouthfuls for a hungry man.
I ventured a little up the country in search
of somewhat to slake my thirst, when I be-
held a sight, which, used as I had been to mon-
struosities, appalled my soul.
7
A monster, naked, save a skin round her waist,
and descending as low as the knees, held a
child in its arms, which, with its teeth, tore cocoa
nuts from a tree sixty feet high, with which it
was on a level, and appeared to crack them for
amusement, squirting out the milk in a cascade,
which would have swept me away had I not as-
cended a gentle eminence, where the flood did

Munchausen and the Patagonian Woman.
35
ADVENTURES.
109
not ascend to. The broken shell descended as
fragments of rock, aud sounded on earth like a
piece of cannon.
The hair of this monster hung down her back
in ringlets thicker than a first-rate's best bower
cable, and her breasts reminded me of the red
snow mountains I had recently explored. I had
seen sufficient to assure me this was a female;
if such are the ladies of this country, how terri-
ble must the gentlemen be! She could have swal-
lowed me with as much ease as Grimaldi (at
Sadler's Wells) does an oyster, or a pound of
sausages; so stooping under the brush-wood, I
stole away to my boat, where, to my great joy, I
found awaiting to receive me, my friend Captain
Clerke, who gave me such excellent advice at
Regent's Lake, and fulfilling his promise of
meeting me again twelve hundred leagues be-
yond the Pole. We greeted most cordially, and
stepped into the Rumford, which he directed me
to anchor a few miles from the land.
I was most gratefully surprised to find a
young hog roasting ou the coals, (or barbacued
if you please,) an excellent kettle of turtle-soup,
and vegetables, with bread fruit, salt, and season-
ing, prepared for dinner, a barrel of Whit-
L
110
MUNCHAUSEN'S
bread's entire, and two hampers of wine on
board.
"Cease your wonder!" said my worthy host,
“I have known all your proceedings, and saw
you in the dreadful storm, sent by the spirit of
the Pole to prevent your return to the dominions
he no longer boasts of as his own; knowing you
would be driven on this inhospitable shore, I
took up these trifling articles from a store which
we spirits enjoy in common, and happily made.
good my landing on the very spot where I now
find you. It is better," he added, “to eat than
be eaten, which you were in great danger of, so
fall to." We both did our parts well; I know
not which did most justice to the viands, the
immortal spirit of one, or the adventurous spirit
of the other. The cordials and wine were not
forgotten, and we were both as happy as if we
had fed at Long's in Bond Street; or happier,
for here we had no long bill to settle after our
appetites were satiated.
He told me I was on the south-east shore of
Patagonia, and had been driven three thousand
leagues in two days. Commodore Byron, he
said, had been much belied, (as I had witnessed
with my own eyes;) there was no doubt but the
ADVENTURES.
111
Patagonians were larger now than in his day,
as their size increased in a proportionate ratio
every three years: this shews how very cautious
men ought to be in doubting the assertions of
travellers, merely because their tales sound im-
probable to those whose weak minds never
soared beyond the limits of their native island,
and know not a shark from a whale, or a por-
poise from a sea-toad.
I look forward to many censuring various parts
of this volume as untrue; but, like my country-
man Bruce, I disdain to notice them, and depend
on future ages doing ample justice to my truth,
spirit, and integrity.
Those who can doubt the miracles contained
herein deserve to live always in doubt, and die
in despair. Such people would doubt the story
of the Witch of Endor, of Sampson, or even the
plain matter of fact tale of Jonah in the fish's
belly, and are unworthy the attention of any
man, much more one of my eminence in the
world.
After a good foundation of provisions and
brandy-grog we weighed our anchor, and landing
in an obscure part of the coast, succeeded in
rolling into the boat a small cocoa nut about
112
MUNCHAUSEN'S
seven hundred weight, which I calculated to
contain one hundred gallons of milk, and about
three bunches of figs, each as large as a whole
frail in Portugal; thus well stocked we pro-
ceeded to sea and steered direct south, by Captain
Clerke's advice.
The season being now far advanced, I con-
sulted him on the expediency of my soon return-
ing to the Pole, expressing my fears that the
Incombustible might be frozen up, as we even
here felt the cold insupportable, except round
the fire in the centre of our boat, which we
kept in a constant blaze, as well as our awning
closely covered in. Patagonian grass afforded a
softer bed than lambs-wool, and a portion of a
dried fig-leaf left us no cause to sigh for sheets or
blankets.
My companion did every thing like myself,
out of complaisance, but as a spirit he was not
susceptible of the extremes of either element,
though he felt much for my mortal situation.
He candidly advised me by no means to think
of prosecuting my discoveries further at this
time of the year, but merely to run down the
coast of America as far as Lima, then make my
way back by traverse sailing to the Pole, the
ADVENTURES.
113
spot on which all my future fame depended: he
bade me remember, though I had passed the Pole
in my steam-boat, I still had to find out a passage
for a ship, or my discovery would be incomplete,
and my fame not of that splendid nature he
wished it to be, though I had done sufficient to
render any man immortal; yet whilst any thing re-
mained to be found out, he was sure I would
never consider my work accomplished till it
was done. He gave me a book of instructions,
and vanished in a lambent fire with a faint hiss-
ing noise.
I regretted the loss of this intelligent compa-
nion, whose name, I trust, being embodied in
this work, may partake of immortality with
my own.
I turned my prow towards Lima, and as the
weather was mild, amused myself in making cal-
culations. I found I had rounded both the old
and new worlds, but had to leave to Chance to
discover how I had got from India without see-
ing Cape Horn, and now was in the South
Pacific Ocean.
There are some secrets in geography 'even I
have not yet got a perfect knowledge of, and they
must remain secrets until my next voyage.
L. 2
114
MUNCHAUSEN'S
My legs were at this period much inflamed
with the scurvy; on rubbing them once before the
fire with cocoa nut milk it effected an immediate
and complete cure. I have brought some of this
milk home, and called it "Munchausen's anti-
scorbutic and yellow-fever remedy," as I pro-
pose making it cure the latter disorder also-if
I can.
I anchored at Port Callao; when, ascertaining
the country to be, engaged in open rebellion
against tyranny, I attempted not to make any
discoveries, and left for another opportunity my.
purposed explorations of the gold and diamond
mines.
The renown of my name soon reached the ears
of the leaders of the insurrection, who offered me
the command of their navy, which I politely de-
clined, assuring them, on my return to Great
Britain, I would send out a "marvellous" good
friend of my own, capable of directing the ener-
gies of their nation to its proper point, and
whom they might rely upon as a second Mun-
chausen; (this I have done, and the papers in²
form me, my friend Lord Cockfighter has, ere
this, assumed the command I refused.) They
thanked me, and offered me wealth, which I re-
ADVENTURES.
115
fused; as the reader well knows, had I been of
a covetous disposition, I could long ago have re-
turned home with my ship full of it. A mind
filled with honest ambition despises filthy lucre.
Admiral Brion took a model of my steam-boat;
and all the copper funnels and Rumford boilers in
the country were put in requisition for the use
of the Peruvian navy, who are all henceforth to
be guided by Munchausen's steam plan.
Whether they may fail in the construction, is a
question of doubt with me, as even Lord Cock-
fighter's vessel, built from a sight of the original at
Deptford, has after many attempts been laid up
as useless.
Perhaps Providence has decreed that its won-
derful properties shall not be generally known till
I have completed my adventures; if such be the
case, I shall have another patent to add to my
store.
I left Callao with the prayers of all the natives.
I made no attempt to double Cape Horn, in order
to pass again through Sir John Lancaster's Sound,
the way being too long, and besides, I had a na-
tural desire to pass into Behring's Straits from the
North Pacific Ocean, and so on to the Pole, as
I had done from the North Atlantic, thus com-
116
MUNCHAUSEN'S
¡
pletely exploring the passage from both hemis-
pheres, and leaving nothing to be done by coming
after me.
I touched at Otaheite to get a supply of bread-
fruit, but was so disgusted with the depraved
conduct of the missionaries, who had all seven
or eight wives, that I departed with a determi-
nation to make their infamy conspicuous at home,
but as Methodists think the greater the sinner
the greater the saint, I have no hope of seeing
them punished, and the miserable people rescued
from their destructive example; destroying every
generous feeling of the heart, and turning reli-
gion, the law, and the prophets, into ridicule and.
contempt.
I gladly turned my stern upon this seat of
corruptior ad in two days anchored in Owhyhee,
where my celebrated predecessor Cooke, termi-
nated his mortal voyage through life.
In that part of the island where I landed, I
discerned no inhabitant but one; he instantly
flung his lance at me, before I was aware of his
intention; it struck upon my iron collar, which
shivered it in pieces; with one blow of my trusty
glaive I felled him to the ground. He informed
me that he was the high priest, and that the place
ADVENTURES.
717
on which I stood was tabooed preparatory to a
sacrifice, and none dared to enter it under pain.
of death, and he was sorry he had not slain me.
I reflected that if I granted this fellow his life,
he might probably bring down his bretheren to
cook me as they did my old friend.
"Safe bind
safe find," is a favourite motto of mine, and dead
men tell no tales; so I clapped a pistol to his
head, and sent his soul" a wool gathering."
This deed may appear not very humane, but a
secret instinct told me he had been one of Cooke's
assassins, and from his age I am sure he was so.
As I was weighing my anchor, a figure, pale
and emaciated, wrapt in sail-cloth, called to me
in English to take him on board; humanity
caused me to comply with his request, cousidering
him to be a starved and shipwrecked sailor. But
judge of my surprise, when I recognised the face
of the friend of my youth, the ever-to-be-lamented
Cooke. I offered to embrace him; he shrunk
back saying he was but a spirit, and that if a
human arm passed through the shadow of his
form, he would be consigued to the care of Ap-
polyon in the bottomless pit, for a thousand years.
At present he was paying an annual visit to the
shores of his exit, in expiation of the crime of
118
MUNCHAUSEN'S
having by rashness provoked his own immolation,
This annual visit lasted three miserable weeks,
aid the remaining part of the year he was happy
amongst the spirits of discoverers and friends.
He added, his desire was to have accompanied
Clerke on his first visit to me, but that the time
of his punishment had commenced and prevented.
him.
We sat down, and I mixed a swinging can of
rum and milk, from which he could scarce part
his lips, that seemed glued to the vessel's brink.
During his perigrinations on Owhyhee he was not.
permitted to eat or drink, I therefore produced
the remnant of my barbacued hog, and he de-
clared he had not enjoyed a meal so much since
the day of his death. He foretold that I should
meet in Baffin's Bay a savage, who would be
very useful to me in my adventures, and advised
me to receive him on board the Incombustible,
who was safe at anchor where I had left her.
I offered a supply of provisions, grog, and
porter, which he was not permitted to receive,
and we parted, expressing mutual hopes of meet-
ing in my next voyage.
I
I was much affected with this interview, but it
cleared up one point, that Cooke's death was in
ADVENTURES.
119
part owing to his own rashness; and that the na-
tives were not so much to blame, having acted
on the principle of self-defence.
I proceeded to Behring's Straits, which I soon
entered. All the way proceeding to Sir John Lan-
caster's Sound, I experienced a difficult navigation
and cold weather, accompanied with hail as large
as bullets, and snow as thick as hasty pudding.
Fortunately the wind was light, and by keeping
up my awning, (which I had fresh propped up
at Otaheite) I was preserved from the storm, and
my fire kept burning,
The howling of wolves was terrific; all the
shores echoed their dismal yells; one of them
approached so near as to open his tremendous
jaws to swallow the Rumford. Undismayed I
stood upon the prow, and when within a yard,
'by one successful dash I struck the boat-hook in
at one of his eyes and out at the other. I was
always clever at hitting my mark. I threw the
boat's tow-rope over each extremity of the wea-
pon, and the animal dropped alongside dead:
the whole sea was covered with blood: I could
not get him on board, as he was sixty feet in
length, but I skinned him with my sabre, and
120
MUNCHAUSEN'S
abandoned his carcase to the waves. The skin
was of silver grey spotted with carmine; I spread
it over my awning to dry, and it twice covered my
boat. This is now lodged in the oblivion of the
British Museum, to be worried by rats and mice,
as other articles of mine are also.
·
The storm had abated, but the din of wild
beasts continued louder as the passage became
hourly more perilous; the shore presented only a
prospect of shipwreck, desolation, and death,
and I had extreme difficulty to keep my boat in
the middle of the stream; a deviation of my
course to either side would have subjected me to
being dashed into ten thousand shivers. Hun-
dreds of whales, attracted by the wolf's carcase,
which they had devoured, attacked my frail bark,
spouting and roaring. Luckily they were great
cowards; I kept discharging my pistols laden
with ball into their eyes, which sent them off,
after near a hundred of them had suffered in so
sensible a part.
I now opened the well-known Sound of Sir
John Lancaster, and running over to the Ameri-
can shore, anchored in a hundred fathoms water,
on the same spot where I had before brought to
ADVENTURES.
121
the Incombustible. Here I made a hearty supper,
commended my soul to grog, and slept soundly
during the night.
At day-break I went on shore, took in a sup-
ply from Gulliver Long-Bow's sugar pit, lime-
juice fountain, and garden of boiled cabbages;
they were all in fine order, and I stored the Rum-
ford bountifully.
Nothing worthy of record occurred; I left the
Aleutian islands on my larboard hand, purposing on
my next voyage to explore them, together with Ja-
pan, and all the coast of China, up to the Yellow
Sea, and the Loo Choo islands; an account of which
has been given by a relative of mine, but the
story, as he has told it, conveys not much interest
for want of embellishment; I could write a more
amusing narrative in my own parlour, without ever
having been within ten thousand leagues of the
place, but then, to be sure, what is it my genius
cannot accomplish!
About mid-day I had the heart-felt satisfaction
of beholding the Incombustible safe at anchor
where I left her; on descrying my boat I hoisted
colours, which compliment was returned by dress-
ing the ship with every flag on board, and firing
M
122
MUNCHAUSEN'S
a salute of one hundred guns, accompanied with
three cheers that shook the Pole.
I embraced all on board most fervently, and
tears of joy flowed plentifully on both sides;
expecting me to return by the way I went, across
the Pole, they could scarce credit their senses, at
seeing me advance from Behring's Straits, after
circumnavigating the globe in the short space of
six weeks and four days, without any material
accident, in an open boat.
During my absence an attempt had been made.
by the Polar Spirit, to burn the ship by lightning,
but her incombustible nature resisted the flames.
A storm (I apprehend, the same of which I felt
the effects in the Indian ocean) succeeded in
driving the vessel from her anchor, but the manly
spirit of Captain Gulliver, enabled him to beat
up in three days to his old place, where running
the ship at full sail against the axletree of the
world, the copper case-hardened spikes, with
which I had so judiciously armed her prow, sunk
deep into the axletree, and all attempts of the
Spirit to move her afterwards being unavailing,
he gave up the contest, passing over the mast-
head in a shower of fire, and letting fall upon
ADVENTURES.
123
deck a belt of mermaid's skin, embroidered with
jewels, had never more been seen. Upon the
belt was traced in hieroglyphics, which I soon
decyphered-
My power Magnetic all is o'er,
I yield, and will return no more,
MUNCHAUSEN cuts my thread of fate,
And opens wide the Polar gate.
This I deemed a plain allusion to the success
of my next and final attempt this season, to
open a passage over the world's axletree, for the
largest ships in the British navy, and on com-
municating my opinion to my officers, they
agreed with me, and begged me not to delay
acting upon so favourable a prognostic, especially
as the weather was becoming very rough; it was
now the 15th of December, and our passage
from hence would soon be closed. My resolu-
tion being once fixed, imagination was never long
in furnishing me with a scheme to put them in
•
execution.
After regaling my crew plentifully with milk-
punch, drawn from the cocoa nut (which seemed
inexhaustible) and fruits of various descriptions,
I dismissed them all to rest.
124
MUNCHAUSEN'S
Alone in my cabin I implored Vulcan's as-
sistance, and pouring a libation of punch, vowed
if his godship answered my prayers, my first
child, when I married, should be named after
him, Vulen Munchausen, and that I would pro-
cure all my countrymen, in that likeness of the
infernal regions on earth, the Carron foundery
on the banks of the Clyde, to adore him as their
protecting god, and patron of all blacksmiths
throughout Scotland.
A clap of thunder denoted that my prayer was
heard and approved; I drank a pint bumper to
the success of subterraneous fires, and slumbered
in my chair till dawning day. My dreams were
exhilarating: I beheld all Britain's East India
fleet, crossing the axletree of the world, and
shaving their crews, as erst upon the line; the
name of Neptune, who has for ages presided at
these orgies, being changed for Munchausen,
and thus I was flattered with the idea of living
to the remotest ages, idolized by British seamen,
and superior to Neptune.
}
I beheld also the board of eastern kings, in
Leadenhall-street, voting me a pension for my
discovery, by which their ships would make three
annual voyages instead of one. Delighted and
+
ADVENTURES.
125
:
refreshed I went upon deck and roused my crew.
The sails were loosed and hoisted, an anchor I
ordered out a-stern, all hands hove upon it with
the capstern, a strong blast of wind threw the
sails flat aback, and gave the ship such rapid
stern-way, that the spikes in the prow were
dragged from their hold, and the Incombustible
floated once more independently on the main
ocean.
Immediately after this we observed flames
bursting out from the spot we had left, boiling
the billows till the axletree of the world appeared
red hot; suddenly this phenomena ceased, an
earthquake shook the ship like a feather in a gale,
and a voice from beneath her keel muttered-
"Go on and prosper!" We squared our yards,
a heavy gale filled the canvas, and seizing the
helm, I dashed upon the axletree, which bent as
we bore upon it, and then sank down to the dis-
tance of fifty fathoms in depth, and fifty miles in
breadth on either side of the ship. Here at once
was opened an unbarable passage to a new
world!
We all fell upon our knees to thank Providence
and Vulcan, whose fire had completed so miracu-
lous an event in our favour. Amidst the thunder of
M 2
126
MUNCHAUSEN'S
"
cannon I named the passage "Munchausen's gate."
I tacked ship and repassed again with rapture,
considering myself the favourite of heaven, in thus
being made the happy instrument of conveying
blessings to unborn millions, and completing the
new theory of navigation.
Causing the whole of these wonders to be en-
graven on brass, I affixed it to the Pole in the
names of King George the Third and Commodore
Munchausen. I then brought the Incombustible
to anchor once more, and suffered my men to
amuse themselves in attempts to climb the Pole,
drinking grog, killing whales, bears, &c.
Upon serious reflection over an evening can of
grog, I decided upon making another attempt to
visit the continent of India. No doubt but it would
mar all my past deeds if I suffered my spirit to
be awed by the raging of ocean, or my eyes to
continue overshadowed by the spirits of darkness,
who, in the clouds of mid air, scatter vengeance
upon the sons of men from above.
I felt myself none of the common race of the
sons of men, but one, if not endued with a pro-
phetic talent, certainly blessed with a genius of
enthusiasm superior to worldly fate, and defying
the controul of all the gods recorded in the an-
nals of ancient philosophy..
ADVENTURES.
127
How right I proved in the humble opinion I
had thus deliberately formed of myself will be
very soon made apparent, with diffidence and hu-
mility becoming one almost inspired.
No breeze broke the silence of night;-the
storms of the Atlantic had not enfeebled my soul,
the ice of the Polar regions had not frozen up
the generous veins of my unconquered heart,
which ran with rapturous gratitude, and will con-
binue to run and rage until the barriers of my
mortal existence are shut in everlasting repose.
With these feelings I poured into a tin pot a
magnum bonum of pure claret; this I in part
swallowed, (as in duty bound on making an offer-
ing,) and poured out the remnant as a propitiatory
libation to the goddess of Chance; but, alas! my
hope and my stay refused to answer me by vi-
sionary appearance or any sign, and I summoned
all my natural intrepidity to my assistance, deter-
mining to embark on a voyage unprotected, which
an angel would not have dared to undertake.
128
MUNCHAUSEN'S
CHAPTER VIII.
THE wind blew hollow from the hills, and
murmured awfully sublime through the lids of my
Rumford boilers and crossings of my flip-flaps;
the smoke of my steam-kettle rose in colour like
a carpenter's glue pot, and the stream of ocean
crossed and beat against my bow in foam as I
clapped one hand to the boat's rudder and the
other to my waistcoat-pocket for an old quid of
lady's twist tobacco, and bore over the gloomy
deep, making the billows yield to me and roll
past on either side in token of obedience.
ADVENTURES.
129
Think not, reader, this a common relation of
events as a boat leaves land;-place thyself (in
idea) in my situation, and then thou wilt acknow-
ledge the omens were of a portentous and soul-
appalling nature.
The gales died away and left me to rely upon
my powers of smoke. I was never of a vapourish
mood, but on this particular occasion certain
forebodings took hold of my mind, which at length
wearying out my uncommon natural powers, I
sunk into a sound sleep.
Mark then, Palinurus asleep in a wide and
trackless ocean, where mortal never previously
had snored over, unprotected by the gods, and
braving their fury. The pilot of Eneas slept,
and was swept into the waves of a paltry Mediter-
ranean fish-pond, Munchausen, the world's fore-
runner in pilotage, slept securely; and for three
weeks I neither awoke or "dream'd a dream."
I knew the exact time I slept from having wound
up my monthly-going watch at the exact period I-
felt my drowsiness first approaching, and she had
a week to run when I was awoke by a severe pull
at my fire-proof chain, which ever hung suspend-
ed to my neck. I sprang upon my legs with the
agility of a Nero, when he danced in the theatre,
i
130
MUNCHAUSEN'S
(mark how purely drawn are all my similies) and
with my trusty Gill, which I always slept with
fastened to my wrist, I made one swinging back-
handed cut, and severed the head of the thief
from his body; the being uttered a piercing
shriek, but to my utter astonishment, seizing with
either hand his head by the ears, clapped it sta-
tionary upon his shoulders in much the same way
a sailor pulls on his hairy cap when mounting
the deck on his night-watch, and soaring over my
head, grinning horribly a ghastly smile, bel-
lowed out-
"MUNCHAUSEN, if I a mortal had been,
"My head or my wig I had never more seen ;
"My block had been floating about on the sea,
"And my carcase gone back to Great Britain
"with thee.
"But know I'm a spirit, and judge thee right
"well,
"A liar as false as thy father in hell.
"On the confines of India I'll wait thy arrival,
"And there on thy body make furious reprisal."
I took off my three-cornered gold-laced scra-
per, waved it over my head, and give him three
ADVENTURES.
131
British cheers, which made the welkin resound;
at the same time I hallooed-
"I'm lord of the Pole, I'll be lord too of India,
"And Britain to pepper shall presently grind ye;
"Why, rascal, you ought, to gain my good
❝ opinion,
"Invite me to come and possess your dominion;
"But Britain in pickle has many a rod
"To lash the poor Indian, and also his god."
The moment, or indeed before, I ended a
philippic with which Truth favoured me, he took
flight, and was soon lost in ether.
I knew him, at the first brush of the business,
to be god and king of the Hindoos, from the sin-
gular fact of two cow's horns growing from be-
twixt his nostrils, and from his scattering some
bitter water in my eyes from a cow's tail that
hung behind him, and which he trundled as ex-
pertly as any kitchen-maid would her mop (when
washing the street-door) in the face of an impu-
dent Dandy.
This victory over a tutelar Indian deity I mark-
ed down in my tablets as a presage of some won-
derful discovery I should make in that unbounded
132
MUNCHAUSEN'S
and nearly unknown country. I added fuel to
my fire, my Rumfords boiled with vigour, my
flip-flaps flew round as if sensible of the great
event which had just occurred, and over my usual
quart of grog, and a blow of my pipe, I rejoiced
in the dangers I had run, and exulted in the
pleasing hope of going through many more.
In serious truth, I very nearly cursed the god-
dess of Chance; and for her shameful abandon-
ment of me was going to renounce my allegiance
to so fickle a dame, when a little jog of memory
whispered me that on the new and perilous field
I was about to enter there might be opportunities
wherein her councils would serve the interests of
my ambition; I became at once disinterested;
swore to bow at her shrine as I had hitherto done;
and be her obedient slave for ever. This I had
scarce time to vow, and pledge myself (in a draft
of grog) to perform at the risk of body, soul,
and what I value more than both, my future fame,
when the gracious being stood before me :—
"Thou at first didst use me ill
"By sailing sore against my will;
"I knew the Indian spirit's pow'r,
"Who strove to close thy mortal hour,
ADVENTURES.
133
$
"But nobly hath my child contended,
"India's glories all are ended.
"Kingdoms, modern days ne'er knew.
"Where Roman eagles never flew,
"Or Persian Satrap ne'er explor'd,
“Or ALEXANDER's spirit soar'd,
"Where the fatal sisters spun
"The curtain for a low'ring sun,
"And twisted to a hellish tune
"A halo round the waning moon;
"Brought to light by one so brave,
"Shall bend to Britain o'er the wave,
"And ev'ry Indian be her slave;
"And all her future deathless fame
}
"Be coupled with MUNCHAUSEN's name!
"Attend this prophecy; advance,
"And never more forsake blind CHANCE!"
Highly delighted with this wonderful prophecy,
solely gained by my adventurous courage, I en-
tered the mouth of the Ganges, and anchored
my vessel close by the island of Borning, and
found, by an observation of the sun and the star
Lucifer, (called, by Milton, Son of the Morning)
that in place of its being in lat. 22° 45′ N. long.
91′′ 25′ W. of Greenwich, it was situated in
N
}
134
MUNCHAUSEN's
A
long. 122″ 345′ S., lat. 191" 325′ E. of Green-"
wich. To what cause can the ignorance of all
past astronomers be attributed but their want of
knowing the Pole and Munchausen? For this
point I expect a parliamentary reward superior to
to that thrown away upon Dr. Halley, whose
time-pieces at the Pole I consigned to Davy
Jones, as useless for any purpose of navigation,
and had he been there, he should have gone after
his handy work without benefit of clergy.
The moment I honoured the soil of India with
the pressure of my foot, I was attacked by a
herd of horned cattle, white as the snow in Eng-
land, led on by the spirit of Mischief which at-
tacked me at sea. Thrice was I driven into the
sea-thrice returned to the charge; receiving my
assailants as Falstaff did the men in buckram
Gad's Hill. The lid of a Rumford digest
made an excellent shield, (it is now in the Mu-
seum, marked by the buttings of nine thousand
horns and pierced nine hundred times); my well-
tempered sabre cleft their heads off with such
facility, and my arm bore such powerful strength,
that many of their heads flew two hundred feet
high in the air, and in their fall stuck their horns
in the sand, and at some future day will form ex-
ADVENTURES.
135
cellent blocks for ships to fasten their cables to
and ride out the Indian monsoons. This mighty
combat continued three whole days; and Achilles,
in the waves of Scamander, did nothing compa-
rative to my deeds in the Ganges. But
*The great, the eventful deed was yet to come,
“Which, big with fate, strikes expectation dumb.”
The god himself, arrayed in all his terrors,
advanced upon me, armed with the tail of an ox,
to the extremity of which was affixed one of his
hoofs, weighing at least a hundred stone. Many a
heavy blow did I receive on my shield, and on
my impenetrable skull, and once was struck down
upon my knees; he then rushed so close upon
me, that I rose, and with one blow of Gill
stretched him on the earth. One universal howl
took place in his army, who curling up their tails,
scampered off as though they were all bitten by
gad flies, leaving me master of the hard-fought
field.
Never had I fought so hard for victory; never
was I so near being defeated. I ran like David
did to the Philistine, sprang upon his body, and
薯
​136
MUNCHAUSEN'S
had raised my arm to smite off his head, when
he piteously exclaimed, in the words of Butler,
"Will you, great Sir, that glory blot
"In cold blood which you gain'd in hot.”
I held my sabre to his throat till he assigned
me over the whole of his kingdom, which ex-
tended from the Ganges to Abyssinia, and from
the wall of China to the Persian Gulph; as a
token of his truth he plucked a horn from his
nostrils and presented it to me dripping with black
blood; (this is also in the Museum.) I then
made him sit upon the sand and account to me
for his being changed to mortal clay, who so
very lately encountered me in an aëriel form, and
for his knowledge of Hudibras. He replied that
he was not aware of being deprived, of his spi-
ritual power till he had felt the force of my mur-
dering steel; and he deemed it the act of a supe-
rior power, to which he was subservient, named
Chance, who had cautioned him not to molest a
European power named Munchausen, which he
rightly conceived to be myself, and that as to the
lines he uttered they were put into his mouth, he
supposed, by the same power, who did not wish
entirely to destroy him.
ADVENTURES.
137
I now ordered him to step on board the Rum-
ford, and pilot me to the source of the Ganges,
first exchanging names with him as a cement of
future friendship; and judge of my amazement
when the cow king repeated, "Sultan Jenneria
Vaccinationa;" so that by some supernatural
agency Dr. Jenner's family must have anciently
been brute beasts in an unknown land.
We proceeded rapidly up this sacred river, and
on the first day ran two thousand stadi. We
went on shore near the ruins of an old temple
under the shade of a tree something between the
species of the English mulberry and Scoth fir;
it was about one hundred feet high, and its
branches growing straight out from the trunk over-
shadowed two miles of ground; the extremity of
each branch drooped, had taken root in the earth,
and formed about the parent tree a beautiful cir-
cle of ten thousand pillars, compared to which
all that Greece and Rome ever produced were no
more than the wooden stirrups before a shop-
keeper's door to prevent brutes from smashing his
windows.
I have not time to expatiate on this phenomena
of nature, beneath whose shade the two armies.
of Waterloo might have encamped and not seen
N 2
138
MUNCHAUSEN'S
each other. My pilot monarch called to me, with
an expression of horror in his countenance, to
return, for the sacred serpent, who guarded the
temple, was in the tree and would devour us in
a moment. I looked up and saw an animal, the
sudden appearance of which would appal the
heart of the stoutest hero. The largest and most
formidable serpent I had ever seen was folded
round the trunk of the tree, glaring upon me
from eyes of bloody red, without a single ray
encircling them, very like the sun's appearance
through the smoke and fog of London on a
calm November morning. (Mark again reader
how beautiful are all my similies! I think I shall
commence poet on the strength of my stores of
imagery,)
I made no more to do but ran instantly to
my boat, bringing from thence a six pounder
carronade which I carried on her stem; this
I placed upon my left arm, and as the animal was
coiling its tail round a branch of a tree, to aug-
ment its purchase before it darted upon me, I
discharged it full into his yawning mouth, when
he tumbled to the earth with a mighty crash and
a hissing crackling noise, like that of ice breaking
before a ship's bow, when they forcibly drag
ADVENTURES.
139
her into the London Dock at the commence-
ment of a slight frost. I clapped my cannon
against his body in an oblique manner, and
ascending ripped open his stomach, and discovered
my bullet sticking in the centre of his heart.
This highly gratified my vanity as a good shot; in
truth, I saw, as he distended his jaws, his heart
very plain, and thought I could not miss it.
I measured this tremendous animal, and he
proved indeed of a size which almost staggers
credibility, being ninety feet long, and of pro-
portionable bulk; in his stomach were two alli-
gators, a stag with his horns, and thirty porcu-
pines with all their prickles entirely whole.
As this animal is worshipped in India, my
pilot was terribly afraid, however I compelled
him to assist me in embarking one of his scales,
sufficiently large to make a round table to ac-
comodate twenty men; I also brought away a
javelin which was sticking in his upper lip.
And on advancing further up the river (which I
instantly did) I had time to study its peculiar
shape, which I knew to be Roman; and on more
narrow inspection discovered on its handle the
letters A. R. which convinced me beyond a
shadow of doubt, that I had slain the identical
140
MUNCHAUSEN'S
serpent which Livy says stopped the progress of
the Romar army under Attilus Regulus, for
three days, by preventing them the use of the
waters of the river Bagrada in Africa; so that
this javelin from its initials must have belonged
to Regulus, and impelled from his own hand:
(this invaluable treasure may be seen in the
Tower.) I have often heard of the great age
these animals live to; here is a convincing proof
that a couple of thousand years is a very common
age for thein to attain.
I am no great icythologist, but having once
at sea encountered and slain a bodian serpent,
so called by La Cepede and others, I think the
animal I describe must be amphibious, and likely
to have rounded the Cape of Good Hope, and
so swam to India from Africa. This species I
have called Munchausenia Attilia Regulia, as a
short and proper name.
เ
When I had advanced by my observation
eleven thousand miles up the Ganges, and Vacci-
naria told me we were at the extremity of his
sway; and as the falls of water became im-
passable, descending from precipices of rifted
rocks one thousand feet high, I invested him
with the regency of my newly-acquired empire.
ADVENTURES.
141
My form of investiture was such as circumstances
permitted, and for aught I know in Europe it
would not have been done with more propriety.
I first made him draw on an old pair of navy
blue trowsers, (a little the worse for wear, but
stitched together with rope yarns,) I then caused
him to kneel down, and giving him a hearty smack
on the breach with Gill, commanded him to rise
First Grand Cross Knight of the order of Mun-
chausen; I reprimanded him at the same time for
scratching his nether end. I then hung round
his neck the insignia of my newly created order,
namely, an iron pot-lid suspended by a piece of
an old jack-chain; for want of a sword, to his
side I affixed an old cabin poker, for want of a
book, he took the oaths upon my sword; and
thus the ceremony ended to our mutual satis-
faction.
The Rumford we then affixed to a tree, extin-
guished the fire, and shielded her from the sun and
the dews by a screen of banyan leaves; the
regent promising to send down a brutish guard
to protect her from wild beast and fishes, as soon
as he reached the first royal cow-house; we now
parted affectionately. With a small flask of rum,
my pistols and sabre in my belt, I undauntedly
142
MUNCHAUSEN's
set forward to explore India, Asia, and Africa,
in
every part where man had and had not been.
Mungo Park is no more in comparison to my-
self than an earth-worm to a deity; he has
perished, but Munchausen shall live-
"And flourish in immortal truth,
"Unhurt amid the wars of elements,
"The wreck of matter,
"And the crush of worlds."
I travelled at my usual rate of two hundred
miles per diem; I found plenty of the most de-
licious fruit, and on the banks of a river I had
gathered several bunches of the apple-grape,
which, when squeezed, made excellent port with-
out the aid of fermentation. The leaf of a fig-
tree I had filled with this liquor, and picking up
a blueish, whitey-brownish pebble, I threw it
into the leaf, to prevent the wind from upsetting
it whilst I slept. After a repose of a short dura-
tion, I arose to commence anew my journey and
my life, and taking a farewell draught of what I
had left wine, I discovered it changed to the best
Hollands; this did not amaze me after what I
had seen of this nature in East Greenland and
ADVENTURES.
143
other places; I considered how to turn it to my
future benefit. A traveller ought to enquire.
with philosophic attention into every trifle, he
knows not how it may serve him in his progress;
had Hagar looked about her, and not sat down to
cry, she had found the spring without the angel's
direction. I filled my leaf with water, and cast-
ing in a small pebble about the size of a marble,
found to my great joy it made four quarts of
strong Hollands; this was an important discovery
as I might visit many countries where no apple-
grapes grew, but as I afterwards proved, any
liquid will dissolve the gin-stone. I filled one of
my pockets with these precious stones, and calcu-
lated I then carried about my person, ten thousand
gallons of spirits in the space of a few inches. I
waded across this river not above ancle deep, and
ascending a grassy eminence, perceived an elegant
little temple of Parian marble, from which two
venerable persons advanced clad in purple and
fine linen, and bade me welcome in the ancient
Persian dialect, to which I readily replied; I then
entered the temple, and did my duty to a dish of
raggy, (rice,) fowls, and vegetables, highly sea-
soned with onions, garlick, and other delicacies.
144
MUNCHAUSEN'S
Over a jug of Persian nectar, (a spirit extracted
from goat's whey;) they told me their history;-
they were Persees, descendants of the ancient
priests of Persia, and followed the religion of
Zoroaster, adoring the sun and fire.
In a circle of stones near, I perceived several
dead bodies in a mutilated state, and was told
the dead were always left there until the bones
are picked clean by the birds, and then are con-
verted into musical instruments, ornaments &c.
to remind them of those they loved. These priests
are immortal, and those to whom I talked were
the very Persian Magi who had waited upon
Alexander the Great at his request; they shewed
me a manuscript of his written in Persian on a
leaf of the papyrus, and signed with his name
at full length. This I knew to be genuine, as
1 had seen in a Druid's possession, on the Cau-
cassian mountains, Alexander's original letter to
the Scythians, and the writing of each was similar,
with some small shade of difference in the style
of address; one beginning "Dear and Reverend
Friends." the other, "Scythian Rascals and
Scoundrels." Quintus Curtius bears record to
the politeness of the world's great conqueror; I
ADVENTURES.
143
am glad to add my testimony to his truth. His-
torians should do justice to each other, or the
world will never do justice to them.
Having obtained a flute made out of a thigh
bone, (now in the Museum,) I bade my enlight-
ened friends the Magi adieu, and leaving Ispahan,
the capital of Persia, on my right hand, I traversed
the banks of the Gulph, slew fifty crocodiles in
one day, whom the Devil had sent to stop my
progress, and arrived in safety at the source of
the river Euphrates; satisfied that the source of
this immortal stream was not in Persia but Asia
Minor.
The wind blew gently through the willows
which overhang the banks of the Euphrates, and I
verily belive the one under which I reposed, to be
the same on which the prophet hung his harp
when tired of singing the sorrows of Israel.
Ascending the summit of Mount Ephra, I traced
the meanderings of this beautiful stream until it
was lost in the river Jordan, with which it mingles
its waters at the precise spot where John the
Baptist washed and scrubbed his bretheren.
The stones upon which he stood to keep his san-
dels dry I saw, and read upon them the well-
known inscription, "The stones of John the
0
146
MUNCHAUSEN'S
I
preacher, left as a memorial to future genera-
tions." As I had no inclination to view the stones
of John, having more valuable ones in my pocket,
I plucked off my cap as I descended, and dipping
it in the Euphrates, scooped up a gallon of pure
muddy water, in which dissolving a gin-stone, I
had a solace from a most delightful beverage.
I was reflecting on that passage in scripture
where the psalmist says :-
"Our harps on the willows we carefully hung,
"And gave ourselves up to utter despair."
C
The folly of the Israelites brought upon them
their thraldom-their iniquities continued it. "Oh!
'stiff-necked and perverse generation,'" I ex-
claimed, "had I but have lived in your times,
how had we led captivity captive,' and how
many had we not hewed in pieces as sacrifices
before the Lord,' in a similar manner to that exe-
cution Samuel performed before Saul in Gilgal.
Buried in these considerations, (seated upon the
place where the prophet Ezekiel said “Lord
make these dry bones live," but which the Lord
neither did, or promised to do,) I mourned over
the infirmities of human nature, and determined
$
ADVENTURES.
147
to commence prophet myself, in order to enlarge
the human understanding, and give men a pro-
per idea of religion and me.
I arose, and said, behold, I will prophesy;
when a being appeared before me, such as I
had never before seen. His form was as the
form of an angel burlesqued-the tiara adorned
his head, the pelissiana flowed round his heels,
his middle was encircled by a belt studded with
gold and jewels, from which was suspended
twelve daggers, surmounted by twelve crowns,
his right hand held a book emblazoned with bril-
fiants, and marked "The Koran," his left held
a flaming sword, (a fac-simile of that which stood
over the gate of Eden, when Adam and his
wife were forcibly ejected from their farm;
was mounted on the back of an animal, a non-
descript in Buffon's natural history, part mule,
part horse, part ass.
he
In traversing the fields of Elysium, (situated
in South America) I had seen some creatures
of this shape, and in visions of the night, "when
deep sleep falleth upon man," I had been visited
by apparitions in a form and shape similar to
that which now appeared before me.
I recognised the prophet Mahomet mounted
148
MUNCHAUSEN's
on his courser Borak; I advanced to him with
the utmost intrepidity, and was preparing to ad-
dress him, when he exclaimed with vehemence:----
"I am the prophet of the eastern world,
"Behold my cresent on high unfurl'd !
"Welcome, MUNCHAUSEN! Welcome to me!
"Thou and MAHOMET will surely agree."
In truth, the crescent, that emblem of the house
of Othman and the Mahometan religion, was
waving over his head in the air, and undulating
to and fro with a gentle motion, and I per-
ceived it attached to the head of a golden spear,
which was stuck into the back of Borak; I also
beheld, that, like my steam-boat, Borak could
advance either way without tacking; his middle
part was that of a white horse, and the head
towards me was that of a mule,, and that directly
opposite that of an ass; he had four wings at-
tached to his four shoulders and four to his
fetlock joints of a most flaming appearance, as
Milton says, when Satan and his legions drew
forth their flaming swords :-
“The dreadful blaze,
"Far round illumin'd hell,"
+
ADVENTURES.
149
so the glare from Borak's wings illumined the
Euphrates and all the earth for miles around,
but I could not see a single ray from them as-
cend to heaven, this put me on my guard, as
I immediately concluded the prophet was but
an agent of Satan employed to seduce me, or
assuredly the skies would not have been impene-
trable to some of his shining glories. Disguising
my sentiments, I politely presented him with a
cap full of gin and water, of which he drank
most heartily, as also did Borak; I moreover
gave him a handful of the stones, and desired him
to offer them with my best respects to his first
wife Catiga, and to assure her that the gin-stone
was a sovereign remedy for the gravel, as I ima-.
gined she must have been much gravelled to
find him marrying three or four young virgins so
soon after her decease.
He then commenced his mission by requesting
me to propagate, what he called the truths of the
Koran, in my Polar dominions; alleging, that
the greatest proof of the purity of any doctrine
was to be derived from the number of its prose-
lytes, and that there were twenty Mahometans
on earth for one Christian. This sophistry had
no weight with me. Suppose," said I,"friend
02
150
MUNCHAUSEN'S
Mahomet, there are ten millions of robbers in the
eastern empire, and five millions of honest men in
Europe, am I to suppose the thief is the most
desirable profession, because it is the most nu-
merous. No, no; vice is more easily followed
than virtue; my life has been spent in the pur-
suit of truth; "they that go down to the sea in
ships, and occupy their business in the great
waters," are not to be deceived by the apostle
of error and lies. Hence," said I, drawing my
sabre," or I will cut thee from clue to ear-ring,
and send the wind whistling through thy carcase,
like a squall through a gooseberry-bush."
though the impostor held the Koran over his
head full forty feet from the earth, I made a
jump, (such as Ireland never attempted,) and with
one kick of my right toe, knocked the volume
from his grasp, and had the satisfaction to per-
ceive it drop into the Red Sea, (a distance of two
thousand miles from where I stood,) as a con-
solation to the spirits of the damned, buried in
that infernal ocean.
Al-
The rage of Mahomet cannot be depicted, and
from the nostrils of Borak fire and brimstone
belched forth in mighty volumes upon me, but
I was fire-proof, and rushing on, at one blow
ADVENTURES.
151
severed Borak's mule's head from his body;
nevertheless Mahomet vaulted round in his sad-
dle, and galloped away, the ass leading, and
plunging into the Euphrates, like Count Ponia-
towski into the Beresina. I saw him no more!
The smell of brimstone left behind, remembered
me of two places, hell and old Scotland.
Having thus got rid of my troublesome con-
panion I walked throgh the Euphrates dry shod,
and pursuing my journey as Chance directed,
in a few days arrived at Bondon, an African
kingdom, formerly called Bambonk; my passage
to the capital Fatte lay through the Simbani
wilderness, and here I witnessed the existence
of that strange plant-animal called the Scythian
lamb, or, Agnus Scythicus. The wolves, it is
said, delight to feed upon this vegetable lamb;
it affords a bloody juice when it is broken, and
consumes all the plants about it. The more
common name is Boramez.
As I considered it a living animal, I suffered
them to grow in peace, only cutting one or two
in pieces to have demonstrative proof of the
truth or falsity of what I had heard, and now,
happily for botanical science, was an eye-witness
to the truth of. The juice had the flavour of a
152
MUNCHAUSEN'S
nice cooling jelly; and certainly the wolves have
a good taste.
I shall not say much of this kingdom; the
only thing interesting I saw was the umbrella and
coat of Mungo Park; and the king assured me
be died a natural death by drowning in attempt-
ing to escape from his sable clutches. I gave
his majesty (who is a foulah) some gin-stones,
and accepted a few minkallies of gold-dust, mere-
ly not to offend, for I set no value upon mam-
mon.
I found the weather here very cold, though it
should not be so, as Bondon is situated in Lat.
123° 194', Loug. 162′ W.; the season, however,
warned me to think of returning, and not prose-
cuting my discoveries any farther at the present
time.
Taking with me a small quantity of provisions,
(refusing to be encumbered with a horse) I bent
my steps through Asiatic Turkey, as the shortest
way to the Ganges; the first night I tarried at
Barradeskik, a town little known in Mesopotamia,
standing on a lofty mountain near the Euphrates,
and seven hundred miles south of Diarbeker.
Here I had a favourable opportunity of serving
science from the elevated height on which I
ADVENTURES.
153
stood; and I never miss any chance of serving
mankind. Here then I fixed, beyond further
improvement, the bignadratic power in algebra,
or the squared sign, are thus, 16 is the bigna-
dratic or fourth power of 2, or it is the square of
4, which is the second power of 2. I likewise
had a view of the aspect of the planets when they
are 144 deg. distant from each other: this I call
a bignentile observation. But I must be a little
tenacious of my reputation ;-as Alexander said.
to Aristotle, "If you publish what I know to
the world wherein shall I be superior to the rest
of mankind."
;
The above may appear a little obscure to many
readers, but to myself it is as plain as the sun
at noon-day, and I may make it hereafter equally
intelligible to all classes of people. My friend
Clemens Alexandrinus, who flourished in the
59th olympiad, (about 544 years before Christ,)
instructed me greatly in the occult sciences, and
other knowledge unknown at the present illiterate
period. Hereafter my powers of mind shall ap-
pear in a most extraordinary manner.
From this place I travelled to Bir Cahi, a
Persian city of Lergestan, to which I was refused
admittance. This whole place was formed of
154
MUNCHAUSEN'S
wood, and taking one of my pistols from my
belt I clapped fire to the gates; Providence sent
a strong gale to aid my vengeance, and in a few
minutes the whole place was in flames. The
cries of the wretched people perishing were truly
musical. I passed through the fire unhurt, and
loudly proclaimed on either side that it was
Munchausen who inflicted this chastisement in
consequence of the gates being closed upon him
who could open the gates of hell.
It is highly necessary to shew resentment some-
times; even a prophet may be held in contempt
if he neglects to give a display of his power, such
as that of Elisha, when he caused the bears to
worry the young children as a lesson to the rising
generation.
I give in this history all the circumstances
which occur; I do not conceal one thing, as I
care not for the world's opinion; a self-applaud-
ing conscience is a solace to the virtuous mind.
superior to popular approbation. Thus my little
history embraces a source of information not only
useful but entertaining; with all the painting of
romance the passions are most deeply interested,
because every thing is agreeable to nature, and
the characters and incidents founded on truth
ADVENTURES.
156
lone. I never dwell upon trifles; I scorn the
silly panegyrics bestowed by fools upon fools; the
idle adulation paid to time-serving men, and the
vain empty conceits of illiterate and low-bred
authors; by suffering the mind to dwell too long
on scenes of common life, a degrading opinion of
human nature is liable to be formed. We must
advert to high and striking specimens of it in or-
der to collect its brightest energies, and the various
excellencies within the range of its attainment.
The vulgar mass of mankind may be called
sleeping giants ;-men of cultivated talents (such
as my own) to giants awakened. Abilities such
as I possess have a tendency to excite the noblest
kind of ambition; to call forth pure sentiments;
to stimulate to literary industry, and to induce us
to put forth all our mental strength. In trans-
mitting my own actions to posterity I need not to
be ashamed to say, that it is the record of a per-
son whose virtues are a blessing and a lesson to
mankind.
I pursued my journey without deviating to the
right or left; I turned a little from the temple of
the Persian magi, where the birds feast upon hu-
man flesh, and arrived in security at the Rumford,
156
MUNCHAUSEN'S
}
which my viceroy had stored with every thing
necessary for my voyage back to the Pole.
2
I bade him adieu, and piloted myself down
the Ganges free from accident of any sort; I
passed the island of Borning, the scene of my
immortal combat with the Hindostanese cows,
and launched once more into the main ocean.
No spirit attacked me this time, and in a few
days I once more passed the Pole, and ran along-
side the Incombustible, to the inexpressible joy
of my officers and crew, who despaired of ever
seeing me more. Thus, in the space of a few
days I had traversed, by land and water, a space
of 50,000 square leagues, and visited places ne-
ver befor trodden by human foot.
I was busily employed for a day or two in pack-
ing and securing my treasures in the hold; and
certainly such a precious cargo had never been
embarked in a vessel, and never gathered by one
man.
We now prepared to quit the Pole, to the
great joy of all my men and not to my sorrow,
for I had done quite sufficient for one year, and
was anxious to see what reception I should meet
with in England.
ADVENTURES.
157
'
We soon got our anchor on board, loosed all
our sails, drank a can of grog to our future
voyage, and again, on board the Incombustible,
behold Munchausen setting forth to retrace his
steps of glory.
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158
MUNCHAUSEN'S
CHAPTER IX.
HAVING successfully accomplished all the
objects I had in view, and done what has foiled
the ingenuity of man since the time a ship first
floated on the ocean, I steered my course for
Behring's Straits once more; the weather was
propitious until we had entered the narrows, when
the ice spread quite across, and opposed our
passage; I knew we could not long be stopped,
as the rolling of the ocean through Munchau-
sen's Inlet, soon would make a clear and ever-
lasting passage to the Pacific and Atlantic
Oceans.
ADVENTURES.
159
Eager to get home with my joyful tidings, I
directed the cannon to be got ready for firing,
treble loaded, and a lighted match to be given
me. I then seized the helm, and ordered all the
crew to conceal themselves in the copper stow-
hole where they were in safety, in an instant I
discharged my cannon and set fire to the ship,
steering her forward with a stiff breeze.
The concussion of gunpowder broke the ice,
and a general thaw permitted me to clear the
straits triumphantly, as the heat of my burning
vessel melted mountains of ice, and set fire
to forests, which I dare say are not yet extin-
guished.
The ship (I before said was fire-proof, it
being the property of Asbestos, to exhaust the
flame, and then re-appear in its former state,)
soon returned to statu quo, and I called up my
men once again to day-light. Whether the quick-
ness of my thought is considered, or the rapidity
of my execution on this occasion, it may fairly be
ranked amongst my most brilliant exploits.
We entered securely the Sound of Sir John
Lancaster, and passed through it without accident.
On entering the Bay of Baffin I was astonished
to experience a serene sky and warm weather;
160
MUNCHAUSEN'S
here I picked up in a canoe an Esquimaux, who
had seen me on the island of red snow, and fol-
lowed my track in vain. He had existed chiefly
upon ice and raw flying fish, which dropped in
his canoe when exhausted from fatigue. I con-
signed him to the care of Muckyweezen; he
learned English and drawing in a few days, and
on my return to these regions will be a valuable
acquisition as an interpreter to my officers, when
I am absent on my excursions; this man's ex-
ploits in his canoe has been witnessed by thou-
sands in England, and he has been known to re-
main under water three hours at a time and come
up with his canoe full of fish.
I endeavoured to penetrate to East Greenland,
but the immense barrier of rock gave not way
at my approach as heretofore, and I was warned
in a dream to make the best of my way to Eng-
land, and be contented with my past atchieve-
ments until another year, when I should com-
mence a fresh journal of my life, in which actions.
would have to be recorded surpassing all that
had hitherto befel me. I was attentive to the
friendly warning, and pursued my course unceas
ingly; when arrived in the latitude where the
pilot serpent quitted us at the commencement of
ADVENTURES.
161
L
the voyage, he appeared again under the bow,
and by his motions with his tail signified his
desire to take the ship in tow. I caused the
anchor to be dropped into his tail, and he
started at his former speed: we had the same
tranquil weather, and in four days he conducted
us safely into Lerwick Bay, where I anchored on
the 20th day of December, 1818, having been
just six months absent in circumnavigating the
old globe, and exploring great part of a new
one, besides finding a near passage to India by
the Pole.
The kind serpent rose out of the water as re
lated in the first instance, exclaiming
"For kindness received when under sail,
"Thy courage releas'd me from the spine of the
whale ;
"I have tow'd thee abroad, and safely home,
"And thy pilot I'll be when again thou shalt
roam."
He then bowing his head glided under the waves,
accompanied by the benedictions of us all on
board.
Every native of the Shetland isles came to
برود
162
MUNCHAUSEN'S
welcome my safe arrival; and from them I was
told that the expedition which was sent out in
competition with mine had returned without
making a single discovery of importance, and were
publishing accounts of what they had not seen.
This gave me no concern, my actions speak for
themselves, and I am superior to jealousy of a
rival; my story is that of a British plain matter
of fact, which is incontrovertible; calumny, lies,
and slander, may assail it, but as a candid, true,
and faithful account of the most wonderful voy-
age ever undertaken by m, the public will do
it justice, and I venture to say it will go through
more editions than "The Pilgrim's Progress."
22
I was under the necessity of taking in some
supplies at this port, as I had received letters in
reply to one I sent off on my arrival, ordering
me to make the best of my way to London ;
a command I obeyed with alacrity. My crew
and I offered up our thanks in the cathedral for
our preservation through so many adventurous
perils. We had been froze in ice, and buried in
snow; wrapt in fire, and tossed in tempests;
scourged by the winds, and cradled on the rock;
yet our spirits were unsubdued, for we had been
successful, and accounted the applause of a grate-
ADVENTURES.
163
ful country as an ample reward for all we had
done to render the name of Great Britain immor-
tal in unknown worlds, " and isles beyond the
deep."
The details of what happened on our voyage
to the metropolis, would be a treat of ditch-
water, after a bottle of Madeira; suffice it that
on my arrival in the river Thames the prince and
the peer, the highest and the lowest, hailed me
with sounds of praise. Columbus did not ex-
perience so brilliant a reception, when proceed-
ing to the court of Ferdinand and Isabella, as I
did in London. The extraordinary curiosities I
had collected were lodged honourably and safely,
and I was also treated in a similar manner. My
ship was ordered to be repaired forthwith for
another trip, my crew were gratified with the
liberal reward of leave to visit their friends, and
the additional favour of leave to spend their own
hard-earned money in any way they thought
proper.
My Esquimaux had liberty granted him to
exhibit himself gratis to the persons of condi-
tion who daily thronged to see the poor
mortal.
My officers each received an addition to their
..
164
MUNCHAUSEN'S
rank, and promises of future employment on any
new and dangerous expedition.
I was honoured with higher rank, a title, and
a pension, and we have all reason to be grateful
for the noble and generous treatment we have
experienced from those who know well how to
reward merit without extravagance.
I shall now close my labours, bid my reader
adieu; and beg him in his judgement of me and
adventures to be guided, as I have been, by
the spirit of truth and impartiality.
my
For this hath science search'd on weary wing,
By shore and sea each mute and living thing;
Launch'd with MUNCHAUSEN from the dreary
steep,
To worlds unknown, and isles beyond the deep;
Around the cope her living chariot driven,
And wheel'd in triumph through the signs of
heaven?
པཧཱབྷཱ
:
FINIS.
SEYTANG, Printer, New Castle Street, Fleet Market
Ja

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