B5-20
ARTES
1837 MININ
SCIENTIA
LIBRARY
VERITAS
OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
PLURIBUS UNLA
TUEBOR
QUERIS PENINSULAM AMŒNAM
CIRCUMSPICE
GIFT OF
REGENT LL-HUBBARD
Hubbard
707
Imag. Voy.
PR
2724
1747
D
To front the title....
BLens delin)
A
TALE
OF A
TU
B.
Written for the Univerfal Improvement
of MANKIND.
Diu multumque defideratum.
To which is added,
An ACCOUNT of a
BATTLE
BETWEEN THE
Antient and Modern BOOKS
in St. James's LIBRARY.
Bafima eacabaſa eanaa irraurifta, diarba da caeotaba
fobor camelanthi.
Iren. Lib. 1. C. 18.
Fuvatque novos decerpere flores,
Infignemque meo capiti petere inde coronam,
Unde prius nulli velarunt tempora Mufa. Lucret.
The ELEVENTH EDITION.
With the Author's APOLOGY;
And Explanatory Notes, by W. W-tt-n, B. D.
and others.
LONDON: Printed for CHARLES BATHURST,
at the Croſs-Keys in Fleet-Street.
MDCCXLVII.
FOTOTOTO
Treatifes wrote by the fame Author, most of
them mentioned in the following Difcourfes;
which will be speedily published.
A Character of the prefent Set of Wits in this
A Panegyrical Effay upon the Number THREE.
A Differtation upon the principal Productions
of Grub-street.
Lectures upon a Diffection of Human Na-
ture.
A Panegyric upon the World.
An Analytical Diſcourſe upon Zeal, Hiftori
theo-phyfi-logically confidered.
A general Hiſtory of Ears.
A modeft Defence of the Proceedings of the
Rabble in all Ages.
A Deſcription of the Kingdom of Abſurdities.
A Voyage into England, by a Perfon of Qua-
lity in Terra Auftralis incognita, tranflated from
the Original.
A Critical Effay upon the Art of Canting,
Philofophically, Phyfically, and Mufically con-
fidered,
AN
APOLOGY
I
For the, &c.
F Good and Ill Nature equally operated upon
Mankind, I might have faved myself the Trouble
of this Apology; for it is manifeft by the Recep-
tion the following Difcourfe hath met with, that thofe
who approve it, are a great Majority among the Men of
Tafte: Yet there have been two or three Treatifes
written exprefly against it, befides many others that have
Flirted at it occafionally, without one Syllable having
been ever published in its Defence, or even Quotation
to its Advantage, that I can remember, except by the
Polite Author of a late Difcourfe between a Deiſt and
a Socinian.
THEREFORE, fince the Book ſeems calcu-
lated to live at least as long as our Language, and our
Taſte admits no great Alterations, I am content to con
vey fome Apology along with it.
THE greateſt Part of that Book was finiſhed about
thirteen Years fince, 1696, which is eight Years be
fore it was published, The Author was then young,
B
kis
An APOLOGY.
his Invention at the Height, and his Reading fresh in
bis Head. By the Affiftance of fome Thinking, and
much Converfation, he had endeavoured to ftrip bimfelf
of as many real Prejudices as he could; I fay real ones,
becauſe, under the Notion of Prejudices, he knew, to
what dangerous Height fome Men have proceeded. Thus
prepared, he thought the numerous and grofs Corrupti-
ons in Religion and Learning might furnish Matter for
a Satyr, that would be useful and diverting: He re-
folved to proceed in a Manner, that should be altogether
new, the World having been already too long naufeated
with endless Repetitions upon every Subject. The A-
bufes in Religion he propoſed to ſet forth in the Allegory
of the Coats, and the three Brothers, which was to
make up the Body of the Difcourfe. Thofe in Learn-
ing he chofe to introduce by Way of Digreffions. He
was then a young Gentleman much in the World, and
wrote to the Taste of those who were like himſelf ;
therefore, in order to allure them, he gave a Liberty to
his Pen, which might not ſuit with maturer Years, or
graver Characters, and which he could have eafily cor-
rected with a very few Blots, had he been Mafter of
his Papers for a Year or two before their Publica-
tion.
NOT that he would have governed his Judgment
by the ill-placed Cavils of the Sour, the Envious, the
Stupid, and the Taftelefs which he mentions with
Difdain. He acknowledges there are ſeveral youthful
Sallies, which from the Grave and Wife may deferve
a Rebuke. But he defires to be answerable no far-
ther than he is guilty, and that his Faults may not be
multiplied by the ignorant, the unnatural, and uncha-
ritable Applications of those who have neither Candor
to fuppofe good Meanings, nor Palate to diftinguiſh true
ones. After which, he will forfeit bis Life, if any one
Opinion
An APOLOGY.
iii
Opinion can be fairly deduced from that Book, which is
contrary to Religion or Morality.
WHY ſhould any Ĉlergyman of our Church be angry
to fee the Follies of Fanaticifm and Superftition expofed,
though in the most ridiculous Manner? Since that is per-
haps the most probable Way to cure them, or at leaft to
hinder them from farther ſpreading. Befides, though
it was not intended for their Perufal; it rallies nothing
but what they preach against. It contains nothing to
provoke them by the leaft Scurrility upon their Perfons
or their Functions. It celebrates the Church of England
as the most perfect of all others in Difcipline and Doctrine,
it advances no Opinion they reject, nor condemns any they
receive. If the Clergy's Refentments lay upon their
Hands, in my humble Opinion, they might have found
more proper Objects to employ them on: Nondum tibi
defuit Hoftis; I mean thofe heavy, illiterate Scrib-
blers, proftitute in their Reputations, vicious in their
Lives, and ruined in their Fortunes, who, to the Shame
of good Senfe as well as Piety, are greedily read, mere-
ly upon the Strength of bold, falfe, impious Affertions,
mixed with unmannerly Reflections upon the Priesthood,
and openly intended againſt all Religion; in short, full
of fuch Principles as are kindly received, because they
are levelled to remove thofe Terrors that Religion tells
Men will be the Confequence of immoral Lives. No-
thing like which is to be met with in this Difcourſe,
though fome of them are pleased fo freely to cenfure it.
And I wifh, there were no other Inftance of what I
have too frequently obſerved, that many of that Reve=
rend Body are not always very nice in diftinguishing be-
tween their Enemies and their Friends.
HAD the Author's Intentions met with a more can-
did Interpretation from fome whom out of Refpect he for-
bears,
B⋅ 2
iv
An APOLOGY.
bears to name, he might have been encouraged to an Ex-
amination of Books written by ſome of thoſe Authors a-
bove defcribed, whofe Errors, Ignorance, Dulness, and
Villainy, he thinks he could have detected and expoſed in
fuch a Manner, that the Perfons, who are most con-
ceived to be infected by them, would foon lay them a-
fide and be afhamed: But he has now given over thoſe
Thoughts, fince the weightieft Men, in the weightieft
Stations, are pleased to think it a more dangerous Point
to laugh at thofe Corruptions in Religion, which they
themſelves muſt diſapprove, than to endeavour pulling up
thofe very Foundations, wherein all Chriftians have
agreed.
HE thinks it no fair Procceding, that any Perfon
fhould offer determinately to fix a Name upon the Author
of this Difcourfe, who hath all along concealed himself
from most of his nearest Friends: Yet feveral have gone
farther Step, and pronounced another Book * to have
been the Work of the fame Hand with this: Which the
Author directly affirms to be a thorough Miftake; he
having yet never fo much as read that Difcourfe: A
plain Inftance how little Truth there often is in general
Surmifes, or in Conjectures drawn from a Similitude of
Style, or Way of Thinking.
HAD the Author writ a Book to expoſe the Abuſes
in Law, or in Phyfic, he believes the Learned Pro-
feffors, in either Faculty, would have been ſo far from
refenting it, as to have given him Thanks for his
Pains, efpecially if he had made an honourable Re-
fervation for the true Practice of either Science: But
Religion, they tell us, ought not to be ridiculed; and,
they tell us Truth; yet furely the Corruptions in it may;
for we are taught by the triteft Maxim in the World,
* Letter of Enthuſiaſm.
that,
An APOLOGY.
that, Religion being the beft of Things, its Corruptions
are likely to be the Worft.
THERE is one Thing which the judicious Reader
cannot but have obferved, that fome of thofe Paffages
in this Difcourfe, which appear most liable to Objecti-
on, are what they call Parodies, where the Author per-
fonates the Style and Manner of other Writers, whom
he has a Mind to expofe. I shall produce one Infiance,
it is in the 37th Page. Dryden, L'Estrange, and fome
others I shall not name, are here levelled at, who har-
ing ſpent their Lives in Faction, and Apoftacies, and
all Manner of Vice, pretended to be Sufferers for Loy-
alty and Religion. So Dryden tells us, in one of his
Prefaces, of his Merits and Sufferings, thanks God
that he poffeffes his Soul in Patience; In other Places
he talks at the fame Rate, and L'Eftrange often uses the
like Style, and, I believe, the Reader may find more
Perfons to give that Paffage an Application: But this
is enough to direct those who may have overlooked the
Author's Intention.
THERE are three or four other Paffages which
prejudiced or ignorant Readers have drawn by great
Force to hint at ill Meanings; as if they glanced at
Some Tenets in Religion. In Answer to all which,
the Author folemnly protefts, he is intirely innocent,
and never had it once in his Thoughts that any Thing
be faid would in the leaft be capable of fuch Interpre-
tations, which he will engage to deduce full as fairly
from the most innocent Book in the World. And it
will be obvious to every Reader, that this was not
any Part of his Scheme or Defign, the Abuſes he notes
being fuch as all Church of England Men agree in;
nor was it proper for his Subject to meddle with other
Points, than fuch as have been perpetually controverted
fince the Reformation.
B 3
TO
VI
An APOLOGY.
TO infance only in that Paſſage about the three
wooden Machines mentioned in the Introduction: In the
Original Manufcript there was a Defcription of a
Fourth, which those, who had the Papers in their
Power, blotted out, as having fomething in it of Sa-
tyr, that I fuppofe they thought was too particular,
and therefore they were forced to change it to the Num-
ber Three, from whence fome have endeavoured to
Squeefe out a dangerous Meaning that was never
thought on. And indeed the Conceit was half spoiled
by changing the Numbers; that of Four being much
more Cabaliftic, and therefore better expofing the pre-
tended Virtue of Numbers, a Superftition there intended
to be ridiculed.
ANOTHER Thing to be obferved is, that there
generally runs an Irony through the Thread of the whole
Book, which the Men of Tafle will obferve and diftin-
guilh, and which will render fome Objections, that
bave been made, very weak and infignificant.
THIS Apology being chiefly intended for the Sa-
tisfaction of future Readers, it may be thought unne-
ceffary to take any Notice of fuch Treatifes as have
been writ against this enfuing Difcourfe, which are
already funk into wafte Paper and Oblivion; after the
ufual Fate of common Anfwerers to Books, which are
allowed to have any Merit: They are indeed like
Annuals that grow about a young Tree, and feem to
vie with it for a Summer, but fall and die with
the Leaves in Autumn, and are never heard of any
more. When Dr. Eachard writ his Book about the
Contempt of the Clergy, Numbers of those Answerers
immediately farted up, whofe Memory, if he had not
kept alive by his Replies, it would now be utterly un-
known that he were ever answered at all. There is in-
deed an Exception, when any great Genius thinks it
worth
An APOLOGY.
Vi
worth his while to expose a foolish Piece; fo we ftill
read Marvel's Anfwer to Parker with Pleasure, though
the Book it answers be funk long ago; fo the Earl of
Orrery's Remarks will be read with Delight, when the
Differtation he expofes will neither be fought nor found:
But thefe are no Enterprizes for common Hands, nor to
be hoped for above once or twice in an Age. Men
would be more cautious of loofing their Time in fuch an
Undertaking, if they did but confider that to answer a
Book effectually requires more Pains and Skill, more
Wit, Learning, and Judgment, than were employed
in the writing it. And the Author affures thofe Gen-
tlemen who have given themſelves that Trouble with
him, that his Difcourfe is the Product of the Study, the
Obfervation, and the Invention of feveral Years; that
he often blotted out much more than he left, and, if his
Papers had not been a long Time out of his Poffeffion,
they must have ftill undergone more fevere Corrections
And, do they think fuch a Building is to be battered with
Dirt-Pellets, however envenomed the Mouths may be
that diſcharge them? He hath feen the Productions but
of two Anfwerers, one of which at firft appeared as
from an unknown Hand, but fince avowed by a Perfon,
who upon fome Occafions hath diſcovered no ill Vein of
Humour. It is a Pity any Occafion fhould put him under
a Neceffity of being fo hafty in his Productions, which
otherwife might often be entertaining. But there were
other Reafons obvious enough for his Mifcarriage in this;
be writ against the Conviction of his Talent, and entered
upon one of the wrongeft Attempts in Nature, to turn
into Ridicule, by a Week's Labour, a Work which had
coft ſo much Time, and met with so much Success in
ridiculing others: The Manner how he handled his
Subject I have now forgot, having juft looked it over
when it firft came out, as others did, merely for the Sake
of the Title.
B 4
THE
viir
An APOLOGY.
It was
THE other Anfwer is from a Perfon of a graver
Character, and is made up of half Invective, and half
Annotation. In the latter of which he hath generally
fücceeded well enough. And the Project at that Time
was not amifs, to draw in Readers to his Pamphlet,
feveral having appeared defirous, that there might be
fome Explication of the more difficult Paffages. Nei-
ther can he be altogether blamed for offering at the
Invective Part, because it is agreed on all Hands,
that the Author had given him fufficient Provocation.
The great Objection is against his Manner of treating
it, very unfutable to one of his Function.
determined by a fair Majority, that this Answerer
had, in a Way not to be pardoned, drawn his Pen a-
gainst a certain great Man then alive, and univer-
fally reverenced for every good Quality that could
poffibly enter into the Compofition of the most accom-
plished Perfon; it was obferved, how he was pleaſed
and affected to have that noble Writer called his Adver-
fary, and it was a Point of Satyr, well directed;
for I have been told, Sir W. T. was fufficiently
mortified at the Term. All the Men of Wit and Po-
liteness were immediately up in Arms, through Indigna-
tion, which prevailed over their Contempt, by the
Confequences they apprehended from Juch an Example,
and it grew Porfenna's Cafe; Idem trecenti juravi-
mus. In short, Things were ripe for a general In-
furrection, till my Lord Órrery had a little laid the
Spirit, and fettled the Ferment. But, his Lordship
being principally engaged with another Antagonist, it
was thought neceffary, in order to quiet the Minds of
Men, that this Oppofer should receive a Reprimand,
which partly occafioned that Difcourfe of the Battle of
the Books, and the Author was farther at the Pains
to infert one or two Remarks on him in the Body of
the Book.
THIS
An APOLOGY.
ix
THIS Anfwerer has been pleaſed to find Fault with
about a dozen Paſſages, which the Author will not be
at the Trouble of defending, farther than ly aſſuring the
Reader, that, for the greater Part, the Reflecter is in-
tirely mistaken, and forces Interpretations which never
once entered into the Writer's Head; nor will, he is
fure, into that of any Reader of Tafle and Candor; he
allows two or three, at most, there produced, to have
been delivered unwarily, for which he defires to plead
the Excufe offered already, of his Youth, and Frankness
of Speech, and his Papers being out of his Power at
the Time they were publiſhed.
BUT this Anfwerer infifts, and ſays, what he chief-
ly dislikes, is the Defign; what that was, I have al-
ready told, and I believe there is not a Perfon in Eng-
land who can understand that Book, that ever imagined
it to have been any Thing else, but to expose the Abuſes
and Corruptions in Learning and Religion.
BUT it would be good to know what Deſign this
Reflecter was ferving, when he concludes his Pamphlet
with a Caution to the Reader, to beware of thinking the
Author's Wit was intirely his own: Surely this muft
pave had fome Allay of Perfonal Animofity, at least
mixt with the Defign of ferving the Public by fo ufe.
ful a Difcovery; and it indeed touches the Author in a
tender Point, who infifts upon it, that, through the
whole Book, he has not borrowed one fingle Hint from
any Writer in the World; and he thought, of all Criti-
cifms, that would never have been one. He conceived
it was never difputed to be an Original, whatever
Faults it might have. However, this Anfwerer pro-
duces three Inftances to prove this Author's Wit is not
his own in many Places. The first is, that the Names
of Peter, Martin, and Jack, are borrowed from a Let-
ter of the late Duke of Buckingham. Whatever Wit
is
An APOLOGY.
is contained in those three Names, the Author is content
to give it up, and defires his Readers will fubtract as
much as they placed upon that Account; at the fame
Time protefting folemnly, that he never once heard of
that Letter, except in this Paffage of the Anfwerer:
So that the Names were not borrowed, as he affirms,
tho' they ſhould happen to be the ſame, which, however,
is odd enough, and what he hardly believes ; that of
Jack being not quite fo obvious as the other two. The
fecond Inftance, to fhew the Author's Wit is not his
own, is Peter's Banter (as he calls it in his Alfatia
Phraſe) upon Tranfubftantiation, which is taken from
the fame Duke's Conference with an Irish Prieft, where
a Cork is turned into a Horfe. This the Author confef-
fes to have ſeen, about ten Years after his Book was
writ, and a Year or two after it was published. Nay,
the Answerer overthrows this himſelf; for he allows
the Tale was writ in 1697; and, Ithink, that Pamph-
let was not printed in many Years after. It was necef-
fary, that Corruption ſhould have fome Allegory as well
as the reft; and the Author invented the propereſt he
could, without enquiring what other People had writ;
and the commoneft Reader will find, there is not the
leaft refemblance between the two Stories. The third
Inftance is in thefe Words: I have been affured, that
the Battle in St. James's Library is, mutatis mutandis,
taken out of a French Book, entitled, Combat des
Livres, if I mifremember not. In which Paſſage, there
are two Claufes obfervable: I have been affured; and,
if I miſremember not. I defire firft to know, whether,
if that Conjecture proves an utter Falfhood, thofe two
Claufes will be a fufficient Excufe for this worthy Cri-
tic. The Matter is a Trifle; but would he venture to
pronounce at this Rate upon one of greater Moment? I
know nothing more contemptible in a Writer, than the
Character of a Plagiary; which he here fixes at a Ven-
ture,
An APOLOGY.
xi
ture, and this not for a Paffage, but a whole Difcourfe
taken out from another Book, only mutatis mutandis.
The Author is as much in the Dark about this, as the
Anfwerer; and will imitate him by an Affirmation at
Random; that, if there be a Word of Truth in this Re-
flection, he is a paultry, imitating Pedant, and the
Anfwerer is a Perfon of Wit, Manners, and Truth.
He takes his Boldneſs, from never having ſeen any ſuch
Treatife in his Life, nor heard of it before; and he is
fure it is impoſſible for two Writers of different Times
and Countries, to agree in their Thoughts after fuch a
Manner, that two continued Difcourfes shall be the
fame, only mutatis mutandis. Neither will he infift
upon the Miſtake in the Title; but let the Anfwerer and
his Friend produce any Book they pleaſe, he defies them to
Shew one fingle Particular, where the judicious Reader
will affirm he has been obliged for the fmalleft Hint; giv-
ing only Allowance for the accidental Encountering of a
fingle Thought, which he knows may fometimes happen ;
tho' he has never yet found it in that Diſcourſe, nor has
beard it objected by any Bady elfe.
SO that, if ever any Defign was unfortunately exe-
cuted, it must be that of this Anfwerer; who, when
he would have it obferved, that the Author's Wit is
none of his own, is able to produce but three Inftances,
two of them mere Trifles, and all three manifeftly falfe.
If this be the Way thefe Gentlemen deal with the World
in thofe Criticisms, where we have not Leiſure to de-
feat them, their Readers had need be cautious how they
rely upon their Credit; and whether this Proceeding can
be reconciled to Humanity or Truth, let thofe, who think
it worth their while, determine.
IT is agreed, this Anfwerer would have fucceeded
much better, if he had fuck wholly to his Bufinefs, as a
Commentator upon the Tale of a Tub, wherein it can-
not
xii
An APOLOGY.
not be denied, that he hath been of fome Service to the
Public, and has given very fair Conjectures towards
clearing up fome difficult Paffages; but, it is the fre-
quent Error of thofe Men (otherwise very commendable
for their Labours) to make Excurfions, beyond their Ta-
lent and their Office, by pretending to point out the Beau-
ties and the Faults; which is no Part of their Trade,
which they always fail in, which the World never ex-
pected from them, nor gave them any Thanks for endea-
vouring at. The Part of Minellius, or Farnaby, would
have fallen in with his Genius, and might have been
ferviceable to many Readers, who cannot enter into the
abfirufer Parts of that Difcourfe; but Optat ephippia
bos piger: The dull, unwieldy, ill-fhaped Ox would
needs put on the Furniture of a Horfe, not confidering he
was born to Labour, to plow the Ground for the Sake
of fuperior Beings, and that he has neither the Shape,
Mettle, nor Speed of that noble Animal he would affect to
perfonate.
IT is another Pattern of this Anfwerer's fair Deal-
ing, to give us Hints that the Author is dead, and yet to
lay the Sufpicion upon fome-body, I know not who, in
the Country; to which can only be returned, that he is
abfolutely mistaken in all bis Conjectures; and furely
Conjectures are, at beft, too light a Pretence to allow a
Man to affign a Name in Public. He condemns a Book,
and confequently the Author, of whom he is utterly igno-
rant, yet at the fame Time fixes, in Print, what he thinks
a difadvantageous Character upon those who never de-
ferve it. A Man, who receives a Buffet in the Dark,
may be allowed to be vexed; but it is an odd Kind of Re-
venge to go to Cuffs in broad Day with the firft he meets
with, and lay the laft Night's Injury at his Door. And
shus much for this difcreet, candid, pious, and ingeni-
ous Answerer.
HOW
An APOLOGY.
*
HOW the Author came to be without his Papers, is
a Story not proper to be told, and of very little Ufe, be-
ing a private Fact, of which the Reader will believe
as little, or as much, as he thought good. He bad,
He bad, bow-
ever, a blotted Copy by him, which he intended to have
writ over, with many Alterations, and this the Pub-
libers were well aware of, having put it into the Book-
feller's Preface, that they apprehended a furreptitious
Copy, which was to be altered, &c. This, though
not regarded by Readers, was a real Truth, only the
furreptitious Copy was rather that which was printed,
and they made all the Hafte they could, which indeed
was needlefs; the Author not being at all prepared:
But he has been told, the Bookfeller was in much Pain,
having given a good Sum of Money for the Copy.
IN the Author's Original Copy, there were not fo
many Chafms as appear in the Book; and why some of
them were left, he knows not: Had the Publication been
trufted to him, he should have made feveral Corre&ions
of Paffages, against which nothing hath been ever ob-
jected. He bould likewiſe have altered a few of thoſe
that feem with any Reafon to be excepted againft; but,
to deal freely, the greatest Number he ſhould have left
untouched, as never fufpecting it poſſible any wrong
İn
terpretations could be made of them.
THE Author obferves, at the End of the Book there
is a Difcourfe, called, A Fragment; which he more
wondered to fee in Print, than all the reft; having
been a most imperfect Sketch, with the Addition of a
few loofe Hints, which he once lent a Gentleman, subs
had defigned a Difcourfe of fomewhat the fame Subje& ;
he never thought of it afterwards, and it was a fuffici-
ent Surprize to fee it pieced up together, wholly out of
the Method and Scheme he had intended; for it was the
Ground
xiv
An APOLOGY.
Ground-work of a much larger Diſcourſe, and he was
forry to obferve the Materials fo foolishly employed.
THERE is one farther Objection made by thofe
who have answered this Book, as well as by fome others,
that Peter is frequently made to repeat Oaths and Curfes.
Every Reader obferves it was neceſſary to know that
Peter did fwear and curfe. The Oaths are not printed
out, but only ſuppoſed; and the Idea of an Oath is not
immoral, like the Idea of a prophane or immodeft Speech.
A Man may laugh at the Popish Folly of curfing People
to Hell, and imagine them fwearing without any Crime;
but lewd Words, or dangerous Opinions, though print-
ed by halves, fill the Reader's Mind with ill Ideas;
and of theſe the Author cannot be accufed. For the ju-
dicious Reader will find, that the fevereft Strokes of
Satyr, in his Book, are levelled against the modern
Cuftom of employing Wit upon thofe Topics, of which
there is a remarkable Inftance in the 111th Page, as
well as in feveral others, though perhaps once or twice
expreffed in too free a Manner, excufable only for the
Reafons already alledged. Some Overtures have been
made by a third Hand to the Book-feller, for the Author's
altering thofe Paffages which he thought might require
it: But it feems the Book-feller will not hear of any fuch
Thing, being apprehenſive it might spoil the Sale of the
Book.
THE Author cannot conclude this Apology, without
making this one Reflection; that, as Wit is the nobleft
and moſt uſeful Gift of human Nature, fo Humour is
the most agreeable; and where theſe two enter far into
the Compofition of any Work, they will render it always
acceptable to the World. Now, the great Part of thofe
who have no Share or Taste of either, but by their Pride,
Pedantry, and ill Manners, lay themselves bare to the
Lafbes of Both, think the Blow is weak, because they
art
An APOLOGY.
are infenfible; and where Wit hath any Mixture of Rail-
lery, 'tis but calling it Banter, and the Work is done.
This polite Word of theirs was firft borrowed from the
Bullies in White Fryars, then fell among the Footmen,
and at laft retired to the Pedants, by whom it is appli-
ed as properly to the Productions of Wit, as if I should
apply it to Sir Ifaac Newton's Mathematics: But, if
this Bantering, as they call it, be fo defpifeable a
Thing, whence comes it to pass they have fuch a perpe-
tual Itch towards it themselves? To inflance only in
the Anfwerer, already mentioned; it is grievous to fee
him in fome of his Writings, at every Turn, going out
of his Way to be waggifh, to tell us of a Cow that
prick'd up her Tail; and, in his Anfwer to this Dif-
courfe, he fays, it is all a Farce and a Ladle; with
other Paffages equally ſhining. One may fay of theſe
Impedimenta Literarum, that Wit owes them a Shame ;
and they cannot take wifer Counſel, than to keep out of
Harm's Way, or at least not to come till they are fure
they are called.
TO conclude; with thofe Allowances above-requir
ed, this Book should be read, after which the Author
conceives, few Things will remain, which may not be
excuſed in a young Writer. He wrote only to the Men
of Wit and Tafte, and he thinks he is not miftaken in bis
Accounts, when he fays they have been all of his Side,
enough to give him the Vanity of telling his Name,
wherein the World, with all its wife Conjectures, is
yet very much in the Dark; which Circumftance is no
difagreeable Amusement, either to the Public or bim-
felf.
THE Author is informed, that the Book-feller has pre-
vail'd on ſeveral Gentlemen, to write fome explanatory
Notes, for the Goodness of which he is not to anfever,
having never ſeen any of them, nor intends it, till
they appear in Print, when it is not unlikely he may
bave
Xvi
An APOLOGY,
have the Pleaſure to find twenty Meanings, which ne
ver entered into his Imagination.
June 3, 1709.
POSTSCRIPT.
SINCE the Writing of this, which was about a
Year ago, a Profitute Bookfeller bath published a
foolish Paper, under the Name of Notes on the Tale of
a Tub, with fome Account of the Author; and with
an Infolence, which, I ſuppoſe, is punishable by Law,
hath prefumed to affign certain Names. It will be e-
nough for the Author to affure the World, that the Wri-
ter of that Paper is utterly wrong in all his Conjectures
upon that Affair. The Author farther afferts, that
the whole Work is intirely of one Hand, which every
Reader of Judgment will eafily difcover: The Gentle-
man, who gave the Copy to the Bookfeller, being a
Friend of the Author, and uſing no other Liberties, be-
fides that of expunging certain Paffages, where now
the Chafms appear under the Name of Defiderate.
But, if any Perfon will prove his Claim to three
Lines in the whole Book, let him ſtep forth, and tell
his Name and Titles, upon which, the Bookfeller fhall
have Orders to prefix them to the next Edition, and the
Claimant fhall, from henceforward, be acknowledged
the undisputed Author.
TO
TO THE
RIGHT HONOURABLE
JOHN
Lord SOMMERS.
MY LORD,
T
H O' the Author has written a large Dedi-
cation, yet that Being addrefs'd to a Prince,
whom I am never likely to have the Honour
of being known to; a Perfon, befides, as far as I
can obſerve, not at all regarded, or thought on by
any of our preſent Writers; and being wholly free
from that Slavery, which Bookfellers ufually lie un-
der, to the Caprices of Authors: I think it a wife
Piece of Prefumption to inſcribe theſe Papers to your
Lordship, and to implore your Lordship's Protection
of them. God, and your Lordship, know their Faults,
and their Merits; for, as to my own Particular, I
am altogether a Stranger to the Matter; and, tho'
every Body elſe ſhould be equally ignorant, I do not
fear the Sale of the Book, at all the worſe, upon
that Score. Your Lordship's Name on the Front,
C
in
DEDICATION.
in Capital Letters, will at any Time get off one
dition: Neither would I defire any other Help, to
grow an Alderman, than a Patent for the fole Pri-
vilege of Dedicating to your Lordſhip.
I SHOULD NOW, in Right of a Dedicator, give your
Lordſhip a Lift of your own Virtues, and, at the fame
Time, be very unwilling to offend your Modefty;
but chiefly, I ſhould celebrate your Liberality towards
Men of great Parts and ſmall Fortunes, and give you
broad Hints, that I mean myſelf. And I was juſt
going on in the ufual Method, to perufe a hundred or
two of Dedications, and tranſcribe an abftract, to be
applied to your Lordship; but, I was diverted by a
certain Accident: For, upon the Covers of theſe Pa-
pers, I cafually obferved written in large Letters, the
two following Words, DETUR DIGNISSIMO;
which, for aught I knew, might contain fome impor-
tant Meaning. But, it unluckily fell out, that none
of the Authors I employ understood Latin; (tho' I
have them often in Pay, to tranflate out of that Lan-
guage) I was therefore compelled to have Recourfe to
the Curate of our Parish, who Engliſhed it thus, Let
it be given to the Worthieft: And his Comment was,
that the Author meant his Work ſhould be Dedicated
to the fublimeſt Genius of the Age, for Wit, Learn-
ing, Judgment, Eloquence, and Wifdom. I called
at a Poet's Chamber (who works for my Shop) in an
Alley hard by, fhewed him the Tranflation, and de-
fired his Opinion, who it was that the Author could
mean: He told me, after fome Confideration, that
Vanity was a Thing he abhorr'd; but, by the De-
fcription, he thought himself to be the Perfon aimed
at; and, at the fame Time, he very kindly offer'd
his own Affiftance gratis, towards penning a Dedica-
tion to himſelf. I defired him, however, to give a
fecond Gueſs; why then, faid he, it must be I, or
my
DEDICATION
my Lord Sommers. From thence I went to feveral o-
ther Wits of my Acquaintance, with no fmall Hazard
and Wearinefs to my Perfon, from a prodigious
Number of dark, winding Stairs; but found them all
in the fame Story, both of your Lordſhip and them-
felves. Now, your Lordship is to underſtand, that
this Proceeding was not of my own Invention; for,
I have ſomewhere heard, it is a Maxim, that thoſe,
to whom every Body allows the fecond Place, have
an undoubted Title to the firſt.
THIS infallibly convinced me, that your Lordship
was the Perfon intended by the Author. But, be-
ing very unacquainted in the Style and Form of De-
dications, I employ'd thofe Wits aforefaid, to furnish
me with Hints and Materials, towards a Panegyric
upon your Lordship's Virtues.
In two Days they brought me ten Sheets of Paper,
fill'd up on every Side. They fwore to me, that they
had ranfack'd whatever could be found in the Cha-
racters of Socrates, Ariftides, Epaminondas, Cato, Tul-
ly, Atticus, and other hard Names, which I cannot
now recollect. However, I have Reaſon to believe,
they impofed upon my Ignorance, becauſe, when Í
came to read over their Collections, there was not a
Syllable there, but what I, and every body elfe, knew
as well as themſelves: Therefore, I grievously fufpect
a Cheat; and, that theſe Authors of mine ftole and
tranſcribed every Word, from the univerfal Report of
Mankind. So that I look upon myſelf, as fifty Shill-
ings out of Pocket, to no Manner of Purpoſe.
IF, by altering the Title, I could make the fame
Materials ferve for another Dedication (as my Betters
have done) it would help to make up my Lofs; but,
I have made ſeveral Perfons dip here and there in
C &
thofe
DEDICATION.
thofe Papers, and, before they read three Lines, they
have all affured me, plainly, that they cannot poffi-
bly be applied to any Perfon befides your Lordship.
I EXPECTED, indeed, to have heard of your Lord-
fhip's Bravery, at the Head of an Army; of your un-
daunted Courage, in mounting a Breach, or fcaling
a Wall; or, to have had your Pedigree trac'd in a
Lineal Deſcent from the Houſe of Auſtria; or, of your
wonderful Talent at Drefs and Dancing; or, your
profound Knowledge in Algebra, Metaphyfics, and
the Oriental Tongues. But to ply the World with
an old beaten Story of your Wit, and Eloquence, and
Learning, and Wiſdom, and Juſtice, and Politeneſs,
and Candor, and Evenneſs of Temper in all Scenes of
Life; of that great Difcernment in Diſcovering, and
Readineſs in Favouring deferving Men; with forty
other common Topics: I confefs, I have neither
Conſcience, nor Countenance to do it. Becauſe,
there is no Virtue, either of a Public or Private Life,
which fome Circumstances of your own have not
often produced upon the Stage of the World; and
thoſe few, which, for want of Occafions to exert them,
might otherwiſe have paffed unfeen unobſerved by
your Friends, your Enemies have at length brought to
Light.
It is true, I fhould be very loth, the bright Ex-
ample of your Lordship's Virtues fhould be loft to Af
ter-Ages, both for their Sake and your own; but chief-
ly, becauſe they will be fo very neceffary to adorn
the Hiftory of a late Reign; and that is another Rea.
fon, why I would forbear to make a Recital of them
here; becauſe, I have been told by wife Men, that,
as Dedications have run for fome Years paft, a good
Hiſtorian will not be apt to have Recourſe thither, in
Search of Characters.
THERE
DEDICATION.
THERE is one Point, wherein I think we Dedica-
tors would do well to change our Meaſures; I mean,
inſtead of running on fo far, upon the Praiſe of our
Patrons Liberality, to ſpend a Word or two, in ad-
miring their Patience. I can put no greater Compli-
ment on your Lordship's, than by giving you ſo ample
an Occafion to exerciſe it at preſent. Though, per-
haps, I fhall not be apt to reckon much Merit to your
Lordſhip upon that Score, who having been formerly
uſed to tedious Harangues, and fometimes to as little
Purpoſe, will be the readier to pardon this; eſpecial-
ly, when it is offered by one, who is with all Reſpect
and Veneration,
MY LORD,
Your Lordship's moft Obedient,
and moft Faithful Servant,
The Bookfeller.
The
C 3
Im
The Bookfeller to the Reader.
T is now fix Years fince thefe Papers came firft to
my Hand, which feems to have been about a Twelve-
month after they were writ: For, the Author tells
us in his Preface to the firft Treatife, that he hath cal-
culated it for the Year 1697, and in feveral Paffages of
that Difcourfe, as well the fecond, it appears, they
were written about that Time..
AS to the Author, I can give no Manner of Satif-
faction; however, I am credibly informed that this Pub-
lication is without his Knowledge; for he concludes the
Copy is loft, having lent it to a Perfon, fince dead, and
being never in Poffeffion of it after: So that, whether
the Work received his laft Hand, or, whether he in-
tended to fill up the defective Places, is like to remain
a Secret.
IF Ifhould go about to tell the Reader, by what Ac-
cident I became Mafter of thefe Papers, it would, in
this unbelieving Age, pafs for little more than the Cant,
or Jargon of the Trade. I, therefore, gladly spare both
him and myself fo unneceffary a Trouble. There yet
remains a difficult Queftion, why I published them no
fooner. I forbore upon two Accounts: First, because I
thought I had better Work upon my Hands; and Se-
condly, becauſe I was not without fome Hope of hearing
from the Author, and receiving his Directions. But,
I have been lately alarmed with Intelligence of a fur-
reptitious Copy, which a certain great Wit had new
polished and refined, or as our prefent Writers express
themſelves, fitted to the Humour of the Age; as they
have already done, with great Felicity, to Don Quixote,
Boccalini, la Bruyere, and other Authors. However,
I thought it fairer Dealing, to offer the whole Work in
its Naturals. If any Gentleman will pleaſe to furnish
me with a Key, in order to explain the more difficult
Parts, 1 fall very gratefully acknowledge the Favour,
and print it by itself.
THE
THE
EPISTLE DEDICATORY,
то
His Royal Highneſs
Prince POSTERITY.
I
SIR,
HERE preſent Your Highness with the Fruits of
a very few leiſure Hours, ftolen from the ſhort
Intervals of a World of Bufineſs, and of an Em-
ployment quite alien from fuch Amuſements as this:
The poor Production of that Refuſe of Time which
has
The Citation out of Irenæus in the Title-Page, which
feems to be all Gibberish, is a Form of Initiation uſed
antiently by the Marcofian Heretics. W. Wotton.
It is the ufual Style of decryed Writers to appeal to
Pofterity, who is here reprefented as a Prince in his
Ć 4
Nonage,
2
Dedication to
has lain heavy upon my Hands, during a long Proro-
gation of Parliament, a great Dearth of Foreign News,
and a tedious Fit of rainy Weather: For which, and
other Reaſons, it cannot chufe extreamly to deferve
fuch a Patronage as that of Your Highness, whofe num-
berleſs Virtues, in fo few Years, make the world look
upon You as the future Example to all Princes
: For
although Your Highness is hardly got clear of Infancy,
yet has the univerſal learned World already reſolved
upon appealing to your future Dictates with the low-
eft and moſt refigned Submiffion; Fate having decreed
You fole Arbiter of the Productions of human Wit,
in this polite and moft accompliſh'd Age. Methinks,
the Number of Appellants were enough to ſhock and
ftartle any Judge of a Genius lefs unlimited than Yours:
But, in order to prevent fuch glorious Tryals, the Per-
fon (it feems) to whofe Care the Education of Your
Highness is committed, has refolved (as I am told)
to keep you in almoſt an univerſal Ignorance of our
Studies, which it is your inherent Birth right to in-
ſpect.
Ir is amazing to me, that this Perfon fhould have
Affurance in the Face of the Sun, to go about per-
fuading Your Highness, that our Age is almoſt wholly
illiterate, and has hardly produced one Writer upon
any Subject. I know very well, that when Your High-
nefs fhall come to riper Years, and have gone through
the Learning of Antiquity, you will be too curious to
neglect enquiring into the Authors of the very Age
Nonage, and Time as his Governor ; and the Author
begins in a Way very frequent with him, by perſonating
other Writers, who fometimes offer fuch Reafons and
Excufes for publishing their Works, as they ought chiefly
to conceal and be ashamed of.
before
Prince POSTERITY.
3
before You: And to think that this Infolent, in the
Account he is preparing for your View, defigns to re-
duce them to a Number fo infignificant as I am a-
fhamed to mention; it moves my Zeal and my Spleen
for the Honour and Intereft of our vaft flouriſhing Bo-
dy, as well as of myſelf, for whom I know by long
Experience, he has profeffed, and ſtill continues a pe-
culiar Malice.
Ir is not unlikely, that, when Your Highness will
one Day perufe what I am now writing, you may be
ready to expoftulate with Your Governor upon the Cre-
dit of what I here affirm, and command Him to fhew
You fome of our Productions. To which he will an-
fwer, (for I am well informed of his Deſigns) by afk-
ing Your Highness, where they are? and what is be-
come of them? and pretend it a Demonftration that
there never were any, becauſe they are not then to be
found: Not to be found! Who has miſlaid them?
Are they funk in the Abyſs of Things? It is certain,
that in their own Nature they were light enough to
ſwim upon the Surface for all Eternity. Therefore
the Fault is in him, who tied Weights fo heavy to
their Heels, as to deprefs them to the Center. Is their
very Effence deſtroyed? Who has annihilated them;
were they drowned by Purges, or martyred by Pipes?
Who adminiftred them to the Pofteriors of
?
But that it may no longer be a Doubt with Your High-
nefs, who is to be the Author of this univerfal Ruin; I
beſeech You to obferve that large and terrible Scythe
which Your Governor affects to bear continually about
him. Be pleaſed to remark the Length and Strength,
the Sharpneſs and Hardneſs of his Nails and Teeth:
Confider his baneful abominable Breath, Enemy to
Life and Matter, infectious and corrupting: And then
reflect whether it be poffible for any mortal Ink and
Paper
4
Dedication to
Paper of this Generation to make a fuitable Refiftance,
Oh! that Your Highness would one Day refolve to dif-
arm his Ufurping* Maitre du Palais, of his furious
Engines, and bring Your Empire + bors de Page.
IT were endleſs to recount the feveral Methods
of Tyranny and Deſtruction, which your Governor is
pleaſed to practiſe upon this Occafion. His inveterate
Malice is fuch to the Writings of our Age, that of ſe-
veral Thouſands produced Yearly from this renown'd
City, before the next Revolution of the Sun, there is
not one to be heard of: Unhappy Infants, many of
them barbarouſly deſtroyed, before they have ſo much
as learnt their Mother Tongue to beg for Pity. Some
he ſtifies in their Cradles, others he frights into Con-
vulfions, whereof they fuddenly die: Some he flays
alive, others he tears Limb from Limb. Great Num-
bers are offered to Moloch, and the reft, tainted by his
Breath, die of a languiſhing Conſumption.
BUT the Concern I have moft at Heart, is for our
Corporation of Poets, from whom I am preparing a
Petition to Your Highness, to be ſubſcribed with the
Names of one hundred thirty-fix of the firſt Rate, but
whoſe immortal Productions are never likely to reach
your Eyes, though each of them is now an humble
and an earnest Appellant for the Laurel, and has
large comely Volumes ready to fhew for a Support
to his Pretenfions. The never-dying Works of theſe
illuftrious Perſons, your Governor, Sir, has devoted to
unavoidable Death; and Your Highness is to be made
believe, that our Age has never arrived at the Ho-
nour to produce one fingle Poet.
* Comptroller, + Out of Guardianfbip.
WE
Prince PosTERITY.
S
We confefs Immortality to be a great and powerful
Goddeſs, but in vain we offer up to her our Devotions
and our Sacrifices, if Your Highness's Governor, who
has ufurped the Priesthood, muft by an unparallel'd
Ambition and Avarice, wholly intercept and devour
them.
To affirm that our Age is altogether unlearned, and
devoid of Writers in any Kind, feems to be an Affer-
tion ſo bold and ſo falſe, thar I have been ſometime
thinking, the Contrary may almoſt be proved by un-
controulable Demonftration. It is true, indeed, that
altho' their Numbers be vaft, and their Productions
numerous in Proportion, yet are they hurried ſo haf-
tily off the Scene, that they eſcape our Memory, and
delude our Sight. When I first thought of this Ad-
dreſs, I had prepared a copious Lift of Titles to pre-
fent Your Highness, as an undiſputed Argument for what
I affirm. The Originals were pofted freſh upon all
Gates and Corners of Streets; but, returning in a very
few Hours to take a Review, they were all torn down,
and freſh ones in their Places: I enquired after them
among Readers and Bookfellers, but I enquired in
vain, the Memorial of them was loft among Men, their
Place was no more to be found: And I was laughed to
Scorn, for a Clown and a Pedant, without all Taſte
and Refinement, little verfed in the Courſe of preſent
Affairs, and that knew nothing of what had paſs'd in
the beſt Companies of Court and Town So that I
can only avow in general to Your Highness, that we
do abound in Learning and Wit; but to fix upon Par-
ticulars, is a Tafk too flippery for my flender Abili-
ties. If I fhould venture, in a windy Day, to affirm
to Your Highness, that there is a large Cloud near the
Horizon in the Form of a Bear, another in the Zenith
with the Head of an Aſs, a third to the Weſtward
with
6
Dedication to
with Claws like a Dragon; and Your Highness fhould
in a few Minutes think fit to examine the Truth, it
is certain, they would all be changed in Figure and
Pofition, new ones would arife, and all we could a-
gree upon would be, that Clouds there were, but that
I was grofly miſtaken in the Zoography and Topogra-
phy of them.
BUT your Governor, perhaps, may ſtill inſiſt, and
put the Queſtion: What is then become of thofe im-
menfe Bales of Paper, which must needs have been
employed in fuch Numbers of Books? Can theſe alſo
be wholly annihilate, and fo of a fudden as I pretend?
What ſhall I fay in Return of fo invidious an Objecti-
on? It ill befits the Distance between Your Highness
and me to fend you for ocular Conviction to a Jakes,
or an Oven; to the Windows of a Bawdy-House, or
to a fordid Lanthorn. Books, like Men their Authors,
have no more than one Way of coming into the World,
but there are ten Thouſand to go out of it, and return
no more.
I PROFESS to Your Highness, in the Integrity of
my Heart, that what I am going to fay is literally
true this Minute I am writing: What Revolutions
may happen before it fhall be ready for your Perufal,
I can by no Means warrant : However, I beg You
to accept it as a Specimen of our Learning, our Polite-
nefs, and our Wit. I do therefore affirm upon the
Word of a fincere Man, that there is now actually in
being a certain Poet, called John Dryden, whoſe Tranf-
lation of Virgil was lately printed in a large Folio,
well bound, and if diligent Search were made, for aught
I know, is yet to be ſeen. There is another, called
Nahum Tate, who is ready to make Oath that he has
caufed many Reams of Verfe to be publiſhed, where-
of both himſelf and his Bookfeller (if lawfully re-
quired)
Prime Pos TERITY.
7
quired) can ſtill produce authentic Copies, and there-
fore wonders why the World is pleaſed to make fuch
a Secret of it. There is a third, known by the Name
of Tom Durfey, a Poet of a vaft Comprehenfion, an
univerfal Genius, and moft profound Learning. There
are alſo one Mr. Rymer, and one Mr. Dennis, moft
profound Critics. There is a Perfon flyled Dr. B--tl--y,
who has written near a thouſand Pages of immenfe E-
rudition, giving a full and true Account of a certain
Squabble of wonderful Importance between himſelf
and a Bookſeller: He is a Writer of infinite Wit and
Humour ; no Man rallies with a better Grace, and
in more ſprightly Turns. Farther I avow to Your
Highness, that with thefe Eyes I have beheld the Per-
fon of William W-tt-n, B. D. who has written
a good fizeable Volume againſt a Friend of your Go-
vernor (from whom, alas! he must therefore look for
little Favour) in a moft gentlemanly Stile, adorned
with the utmoſt Politeneſs and Civility; replete with
Diſcoveries, equally valuable for their Novelty and
Uſe; and embellished with Traits of Wit fo poig-
nant and fo appofite, that he is a worthy Yokemate
to his fore-mention'd Friend.
WHY fhould I go upon farther Particulars, which
might fill a Volume with the juft Elogies of my con-
temporary Brethren? I fhall bequeath this Piece of
Juſtice to a larger Work; wherein I intend to write
a Character of the prefent Set of Wits in our Nation:
Their Perfons I fhall defcribe particularly, and at
Length, their Genius and Underſtandings in Migna-
ture.
N
In the mean Time, I do here make bold to pre-
fent Your Highneſs with a faithful Abſtract drawn from
the Univerfal Body of all Arts and Sciences, intended
wholly for your Service and Inftruction? Nor do
I doubt
Dedication to, &c.
I doubt in the leaft, but Your Highness will peruſe
it as carefully, and make as confiderable Improve-
ments, as other young Princes have already done by
the many Volumes of late Years written for a Help to
their Studies.
THAT Your Highness may advance in Wiſdom and
Virtue, as well as Years, and at laſt out-ſhine all your
Royal Anceſtors, fhall be the daily Prayer of,
SIR,
Decemb.
1697.
Your Highness's
Moft Devoted, &c.
THE
[9]
THE
PREFACE.
T
HE Wits of the Preſent Age being ſo very nu-
merous and penetrating, it feems, the Ġran-
dees of Church and State begin to fall under horrible
Apprehenfions, left theſe Gentlemen, during the In-
tervals of a long Peace, fhould find Leiſure to pick
Holes in the weak Sides of Religion and Govern-
ment. To prevent which, there has been much
Thought employed of late upon certain Projects for
taking off the Force and Edge of thoſe formidable
Enquirers, from canvafing and reaſoning upon fuch
delicate Points. They have at length fixed upon one
which will require fome Time as well as Coft to per-
fect. Mean while the Danger hourly encreafing, by
new Levies of Wits all appointed (as there is Reaſon
to fear) with Pen, Ink, and Paper, which may at an
Hour's Warning be drawn out into Famphlets, and
other offenfive Weapons, ready for immediate Exe-
cution: It was judged of abfolute Neceffity, that fome
preſent Expedient be thought on, 'till the main De-
fign can be brought to Maturity. To this End, at a
grand Committee, fome Days ago, this important
Diſcovery was made by a certain curious and refined
Obferver: That Seamen have a Cuftom, when they
meet a Whale, to fling him out an empty Tub by
way of Amuſement, to divert him from laying violent
Hands upon the Ship. This Parable was immedi-
ately
10
PREFA C E.
ately mythologiſed: The Whale was interpreted to
be Hobbes's Leviathan, which toffes and plays with
all Schemes of Religion and Government, whereof a
great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and
noify, and wooden, and given to Rotation: This is
the Leviathan from whence the terrible Wits of our
Age are faid to borrow their Weapons. The Ship in
Danger, is eafily underſtood to be its old Antitype
the Commonwealth. But, how to analyfe the Tub,
was a Matter of Difficulty: When, after long En-
quiry and Debate, the literal Meaning was preſerved;
and it was decreed, that in order to prevent theſe Le-
viathans from toffing and ſporting with the Common-
wealth (which of itſelf is too apt to fluctuate) they
fhould be diverted from that Game by a Tale of a Tub.
And, my Genius being conceived to lie not unhappi-
ly that Way, I had the Honour done me to be en-
gaged in the Performance.
THIS is the fole Deſign in publiſhing the follow-
ing Treatife, which I hope will ferve for an Interim
of fome Months to employ thofe unquiet Spirits, 'till
the perfecting of that great Work; into the Secret of
which, it is reaſonable the courteous Reader ſhould
have fome little Light.
It is intended that a large Academy be erected
capable of containing nine thouſand ſeven hundred
forty and three Perfons: Which by modeſt Compu-
tation is reckoned to be pretty near the current Num-
ber of Wits in this Iſland. Theſe are to be diſpo-
fed into the ſeveral Schools of this Academy, and
there purſue thoſe Studies to which their Genius moſt
inclines them. The Undertaker himſelf will publiſh
his Propoſals with all convenient Speed, to which I
fhall refer the curious Reader for a more particular
Account, mentioning at preſent only a few of the
principal
The PREFACE.
II
principal Schools: There is, firft, a large Pederaftic
School, with French and Italian Maters. There is,
alfo, the Spelling School, a very spacious Building:
The School of Looking-Glaffes: The School of Swear-
ing: The School of Critics: The School of Saliva-
tion: The School of Hobby-Horfes: The School of
Poetry:* The School of Tops: The School of Spleen :
The School of Gaming: With many others, too tedi-
ous to recount. No Perfon to be admitted Member
into any of theſe Schools, without an Atteftation under
two ſufficient Perfons Hands, certifying him to be a
Wit.
BUT, to return: I am fufficiently inſtructed in the
principal Duty of a Preface, if my Genius were
capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my
Imagination to make the Tour of my Invention, and
thrice it has returned empty; the Latter having been
wholly drained by the following Treatife. Not fo.
my more fucceſsful Brethren, the Moderns, who will
by no means let flip a Preface or Dedication, without
fome notable diftinguiſhing Stroke, to furpriſe the
Reader at the Entry, and kindle a wonderful Expecta-
tion of what is to enfue. Such was that of a moſt in-
genious Poet, who, folliciting his Brain for ſomething
new, compared himſelf to the Hangman, and his Pa-
tron to the Patient: This was + Infigne, recens, in-
dictum ore alio. When I went through that neceffary
* This I think the Author should have omitted, it
being of the very fame Nature with the School of
Hobby-Horfes, if one may venture to cenfure one who
is fo fevere a Cenfurer of others, perhaps with too little
Diftinction.
+ Hor. Something extraordinary new, and never hit
upon before.
D
and
12
The PREFACE.
and noble * Courſe of Study, I had the Happineſs
to obſerve many fuch egregious Touches, which I
fhall not injure the Authors by tranfplanting: Becauſe
I have remarked, that nothing is ſo very tender as a
Modern Piece of Wit, which is apt to fuffer fo much
in the Carriage. Some Things are extreamly witty
to-day, or fafting, or in this Place, or at eight a Clock,
or over a Bottle, or spoke by Mr. Whatd'y'call'm, or
in a Summer's Morning. Any of the which, by the
ſmalleſt Tranſpoſal or Mifapplication, is utterly an-
nihilate. Thus, Wit has its Walks and Purlieus, out
of which it may not ftray the Breadth of an Hair,
upon Peril of being loft. The Moderns have artfully
fixed this Mercury, and reduced it to the Circumftan-
ces of Time, Place, and Perfon. Such a Jeft there
is, that will not paſs out of Covent-Garden; and fuch
a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hyde Park
Corner. Now, though it fometimes tenderly affects
me to confider, that all the towardly Paffages I fhall
deliver, in the following Treatife, will grow quite out
of Date and Reliſh with the firſt Shifting of the prefent
Scene; yet I muft needs ſubſcribe to the Juftice of
this Proceeding; becauſe, I cannot imagine why we
fhould be at Expence to furniſh Wit for fucceeding
Ages, when the Former have made no Sort of Pro-
vifion for ours: Wherein I ſpeak the Sentiment of
the very neweft, and confequently the moft Ortho-
dow Refiners, as well as my own. However, being
extreamly follicitous, that every accomplished Perfon
who has got into the Taſte of Wit, calculated for
this prefent Month of Auguft, 1697, fhould defcend
to the very Bottom of all the Sublime throughout this
Treatife; I hold fit to lay down this general Maxim:
* Reading Prefaces, &c.
Whatever
The PREF.A CE.
13
Whatever Reader defires to have a thorough Com-
prehenfion of an Author's Thoughts, cannot take a
better Method, than by putting himſelf into the Cir-
cumftances and Poſtures of Life, that the Writer was
in upon every important Paffage, as it flowed from
his Pen; for this will introduce a Parity and ſtrict
Correfpondence of Ideas between the Reader and the
Author. Now, to affift the diligent Reader in ſo de-
licate an Affair, as far as Brevity will permit, I have
recollected, that the ſhrewdeft Pieces of this Treatiſe
were conceived in Bed, in a Garret : At other Times,
(for a Reafon best known to myſelf) I thought fit to
fharpen my Invention with Hunger; and in general,
the whole Work was begun, continued, and ended,
under a long Courfe of Phyfic, and a great want of
Money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely im-
poffible for the candid Perufer to go along with me
in a great many bright Paffages, unleſs, upon the fe-
veral Difficulties emergent, he will pleafe to capaci-
tate and prepare himſelf by thefe Directions. And
this I lay down as my principal Poftulatum.
BECAUSE I have profeffed to be a most devoted
Servant of all Modern Forms; I apprehend fome cu-
rious Wit may object against me, for proceeding thus
far in a Preface, without declaiming according to the
Cuftom, against the Multitude of Writers, whereof
the whole Multitude of Writers most reaſonably com-
plains. I am juft come from perufing fome Hun-
dreds of Prefaces, wherein the Authors do, at the very
Beginning, addrefs the gentle Reader concerning this
enormous Grievance. Of theſe I have preferved a
few Examples, and fhall fet them down as near as
my Memory has been able to retain them.
D 2
1
Cne
14
The PREFACE.
One begins thus ;
FOR a Man to fet up for a Writer, when the Preſs
fwarms with, &c.
Another;
THE Tax upon Paper does not leffen the Number
of Scriblers, who daily pefter, &c.
Another ;
WHEN every little Would-be-wit takes Pen in
Hand, 'tis in vain to enter the Lifts, &c.
Another;
TO obferve what Trash the Prefs fwarms with, &c.
Another ;
SIR, It is meerly in Obedience to your Commands,
that I venture into the Public; for who upon a less
Confideration would be of a Party with fuch a Rabble
of Scriblers, &c.
Now, I have two Words in my own Defence,
againſt this Objection. Firſt, I am far from grant-
ing the Number of Writers a Nuiſance to our Nation,
having ftrenuouſly maintained the Contrary in feveral
Parts of the following Difcourfe. Secondly, I do not
well underſtand the Juftice of this Proceeding, becauſe
I obferve many of theſe polite Prefaces, to be not
only from the fame Hand, but from thoſe who are
moſt voluminous in their ſeveral Productions. Upon
which, I fhall tell the Reader a fhort Tale:
A Mountebank, in Leiceſter-Fields, had drawn a huge
Affembly about him. Among the reft, a fat unweildy
Fellow,
The PREF A CE.
15
Fellow, half fifled in the Prefs, would be every Fit
crying out, Lord! what a filthy Croud is here? Pray,
good People, give way a little, Blefs me! what a De-
vil has raked this Rabble together: Z ds, what
Squeezing is this! Honeft Friend, remove your Elbow.
At last, a Weaver that ftood next him could hold no
longer: A Plague confound you (faid he) for an over-
grown Sloven; and who (in the Devil's Ñame) I won-
der, helps to make up the Croud half fo much as your-
Self? Don't you confider (with a Pox) that you take
up more Room with that Carcass than any five here?
Ís not the Place as fit for us as for you? Bring your
own Guts to a reaſonable Compafs (and be d―n'd) and
then I'll engage we shall have Room enough for us all.
THERE are certain common Privileges of a Wri-
ter, the Benefit whereof, I hope, there will be no
Reaſon to doubt; particularly, that, where I am not
understood, it ſhall be concluded, that fomething very
uſeful and profound is couch'd underneath: And a-
gain, that whatever Word or Sentence is printed in
a different Character, fhall be judged to contain fome-
thing extraordinary either of Wit or Sublime.
As for the Liberty I have thought fit to take of
praifing myſelf, upon fome Occafions or none; I am
fure it will need no Excufe, if a Multitude of
great
Examples be allowed fufficient Authority: For it is
here to be noted, that Praife was originally a Penfion
paid by the World; but the Moderns, finding the
Trouble and Charge too great in collecting it, have
lately brought out the Fee-Simple; fince which Time,
the Right of Prefentation is wholly in ourſelves.
For this Reaſon it is, that, when an Author makes his
own Elogy, he uſes a certain Form to declare and
infift upon his Title, which is commonly in theſe or
D 3
the
16
The PREFACE.
the like Words, I speak without Vanity; which I
think plainly fhews it to be a Matter of Right and
Juftice. Now, I do here once for all declare, that
in every Encounter of this Nature, through the fol-
lowing Treatife, the Form aforefaid is implied;
which I mention, to fave the Trouble of repeating
fo many Occafions.
it on
'Tis a great Eafe to my Conſcience, that I have
writ fo elaborate and ufeful a Difcourfe without one
Grain of Satyr intermixed; which is the fole Point
wherein I have taken Leave to diffent from the famous
Originals of our Age and Country. I have obfer-
ved fome Satyrifts to uſe the Publick much at the Rate
that Pedants do a naughty Boy, ready horfed for Dif-
cipline: Firſt, expoftulate the Cafe, then plead the
Neceffity of the Rod, from great Provocations, and
conclude every Period with a Laſh. Now, if I know
any thing of Mankind, theſe Gentlemen might very
well fpare their Reproof and Correction : For there
is not, through all Nature, another fo callous and
infenfible a Member as the World's Pofteriors, whe-
ther you apply it to the Toe or the Birch. Befides,
moſt of our late Satyriſts ſeem to lie under a Sort of
Miftake, that, becauſe Nettles have the Prerogative to
fting, therefore all other Weeds must do fo too. I
make not this Compariſon out of the leaſt Deſign to
detract from thefe worthy Writers: For it is well
known among Mythologifts, that Weeds have the Pre-
heminence over all other Vegetables; and therefore
the firft Monarch of this Ifland, whofe Taſte and
Judgment were fo acute and refined, did very wifely
root out the Rofes from the Collar of the Order, and
plant the Thistles in their Stead, as the nobler Flower
of the two. For which Reaſon it is conjectured, by,
profounder Antiquaries, that the Satyrical Itch, fo
prevalent in this Part of our Ifland, was firft brought
among
The PREFACE
17
among us from beyond the Tweed. Here may it long
flouriſh and abound: May it furvive and neglect the
Scorn of the World, with as much Eaſe and Con-
tempt, as the World is infenfible to the Laſhes of it.
May their own Dulneſs, or that of their Party, be no
Difcouragement for the Authors to proceed; but let
them remember, it is with Wits as with Razors, which
are never fo apt to cut thoſe they are employ'd on, as
when they have loft their Edge. Beſides, thofe, whoſe
Teeth are too rotten to bite, are beft, of all others,
qualified to revenge that Defect with their Breath.
I AM not like other Men, to envy or undervalue the
Talents I cannot reach; for which Reaſon, I muſt needs
bear a true Honour to this large eminent Sect of our
Briti Writers. And I hope, this little Panegyric will
not be offenfive to their Ears, fince it has the Advan-
tage of being only defigned for themfelves. Indeed,
Nature herſelf has taken Order, that Fame and Ho-
nour ſhould be purchaſed at a better Penny-worth by
Satyr, than by any other Productions of the Brain,
the World being fooneft provoked to Praife by Lashes,
as Men are to Love. There is a Problem in an an-
cient Author, why Dedications, and other Bundles of
Flattery, run all upon ftale mufty Topics, without
the ſmalleſt Tincture of any thing New; not only
to the Torment and Naufeating of the Chriftian
Reader, but if (not fuddenly prevented) to the u-
niverfal Spreading of that peftilent Diſeaſe, the Le-
thargy, in this Ifland: Whereas, there is very little
Satyr, which has not fomething in it untouched be-
fore. The Defects of the Former are ufually imputed
to the Want of Invention among thoſe who are Deal-
ers in that Kind: But, I think, with a great Deal of
Injustice; the Solution being eafy and natural. For,
the Materials of Panegyric, being very few in Num-
ber, have been long fince exhauſted: For, as Health
D 4
is
18
The PREFACE.
is but one Thing, and has been always the fame,
whereas Diſeaſes are by Thouſands, befides new and
daily Additions; ſo, all the Virtues that have been ever
in Mankind, are to be counted upon a few Fingers;
but his Follies and Vices are innumerable, and Time
adds hourly to the Heap. Now the utmoſt a poor Poet
can do, is to get by heart a Liſt of the Cardinal Vir-
tues, and deal them with his utmoſt Liberality to his
Hero or his Patron: He may ring the Changes as far
as it will go, and vary his Phrafe 'till he has talk'd
round: But the Reader quickly finds it is all * Pork,
with a little Variety of Sauce. For there is no invent-
ing Terms of Art beyond our Ideas; and, when our
Ideas are exhaufted, Terms of Art muſt be ſo too.
BUT, tho' the Matter for Panegyric were as fruitful
as the Topics of Satyr, yet would it not be hard to find
out a fufficient Reaſon, why the latter will be always
better received than the firſt. For, this being beſtowed
only upon one, or a few Perfons at a Time, is fure to
raiſe Envy, and confequently ill Words from the reft,
who have no Share in the Bleffing: But Satyr, being
levelled at all, is never reſented for an Offence by any,
fince every individual Perſon makes bold to underſtand
it of others, and very wifely removes his particular
Part of the Burthen upon the Shoulders of the World,
which are broad enough, and able to bear it. To this
Purpoſe, I have fomtimes reflected upon the Diffe-
rence between Athens and England, with refpect to the
Point before us. In the Attic Commonwealth, it
was the Privilege and Birth-right of every Citizen and
Poet, to rail aloud, and in Public, or to expoſe upon
the Stage, by Name, any Perſon they pleaſed, tho' of
the greateſt Figure, whether a Creon, an Hyperbolus, an
Alcibiades, or a Demofthenes: But, on the other Side,
*Plutarch. Vid. Xen.
the
The PREFACE.
19
"C
the leaſt reflecting Word let fall against the People in
general, was immediately caught up, and revenged
upon the Authors, however confiderable for their Qua-
lity or their Merits. Whereas, in England, it is juft the
reverſe of all this. Here, you may fecurely diſplay
your utmoſt Rhetoric againſt Mankind, in the Face of
the World; tell them, "That all are gone aftray;
"That there is none that doth good, no, not one; That
we live in the very Dregs of Time; That Kna-
very and Atheiſm are Epidemic as the Pox; That
Honesty is fled with Aftræa ;" with any other com-
mon Places, equally new and eloquent, which are fur-
nifhed by the Splendida bilis. And when you have
done, the whole Audience, far from being offended,
ſhall return you Thanks, as a Deliverer of precious
and uſeful Truths. Nay, farther, it is but to venture
your Lungs, and you may preach in Covent-Garden
againſt Foppery and Fornication, and fomething elſe:
Againſt Pride, and Diffimulation, and Bribery, at
White-Hall: You may expoſe Rapine and Injuftice in
the Inns of Courts Chapel: And, in a City Pulpit, be as
fierce as you pleaſe, againſt Avarice, Hypocrify, and
Extortion. 'Tis but a Ball bandied to and fro, and
every Man carries a Racket about him, to ftrike it
from himſelf, among the rest of the Company. But,
on the other Side, whoever ſhould miſtake the Nature
of Things ſo far, as to drop but a fingle Hint in public,
how fuch a one ſtarved half the Fleet, and half poiſoned
the rest: How fuch a one, from a true Principle of
Love and Honour, pays no Debts but for Wenches
and Play: How fuch a one has got a Clap, and
runs out of his Eftate: + How Paris, bribed by
Juno and Venus, loth to offend either Party, flept
* Hor. Spleen.
out
+ Juno and Venus, are Money and a Miftrefs; very
power-
20
The PREFACE.
out the whole Cauſe on the Bench: Or, how fuch as
Qrator makes long Speeches in the Senate with much
Thought, little Senfe, and to no Purpofe; whoever,
I fay, fhould venture to be thus particular, muſt ex-
pect to be imprisoned for Scandalum Magnatum; tọ
have Challenges fent him; to be fued for Defamation,
and to be brought before the Bar of the Houfe.
BUT I forget that I am expatiating on a Subject
wherein I have no Concern, having neither a Talent
nor an Inclination for Satyr! On the other Side, I am
fo intirely fatisfied with the whole prefent Procedure
of human Things, that I have been ſome Years pre-
paring Materials towards A Panegyric upon the World;
to which I intended to add a Second Part, entitled, A
Modeft Defence of the Proceedings of the Rabble in all
Ages. Both thefe I had Thoughts to publifh, by Way
of Appendix to the following Treatife; but, finding
my Common Place Book fill much flower than I had
Reaſon to expect, I have choſen to defer them to ano-
ther Occafion. Befides, I have been unhappily prevent-
ed in that Deſign, by a certain Domeſtic Misfortune,
in the Particulars whereof, tho' it would be very ſea-
ſonable, and much in the Modern Way, to inform the
gentle Reader, and would alſo be of great Affiſtance
towards extending this Preface into the Size now in
Vogue, which, by Rule, ought to be large, in Propor-
tion, as the fubfequent Volume is Small; yet I fhall
now difmifs our impatient Reader from any farther
Attendance at the Porch; and, having duly prepared
his Mind by a Preliminary Difcourfe, fhall gladly in-
troduce him to the fublime Myſteries that enfue.
powerful Bribes to a Judge, if Scandal fays true. I re-
member fuch Reflections were caft about that Time, but
I cannot fix the Perfon intended here.
A TALE
[ 21 ]
Α
TAL E
OF A
TUB,
&c.
SECT. I.
The INTRODUCTION.
W
HOEVER hath an Ambition to be
heard in a Crowd, muft prefs, and fqueefe,
and thruſt, and climb, with indefatigable
Pains, 'till he has exalted himſelf to a
certain Degree of Altitude above them. Now in all
Affemblies, though you wedge them ever ſo cloſe,
we
22
INTRODUCTION.
we may obſerve this peculiar Poperty, That over their
Heads there is Room enough, but how to reach it is
the difficult Point; it being as hard to get quit of
Number, as of Hell.
Evadere ad auras,
Hoc opus, hic labor eft.
To this End, the Philofopher's Way in all Ages
has been, by erecting certain Edifices in the Air; but,
whatever Practice and Reputation theſe Kind of Struc-
tures have formerly poffeffed, or may ftill continue
in, not excepting even that of Socrates, when he was
fufpended in a Baſket to help Contemplation; I think,
with due Submiffion, they feem to labour under two
Inconveniences. First, That, the Foundations being
laid too high, they have been often out of Sight,
and ever out of Hearing. Secondly, That the Mate-
rials, being very tranfitory, have fuffered much from
Inclemencies of Air, eſpecially in theſe North-Weſt
Regions.
THEREFORE, towards the juft Performance of this
great Work, there remain but three Methods that I
can think on; whereof the Wiſdom of our Anceſtors
being highly fenfible, has, to encourage all afpiring
Adventurers, thought fit to erect three wooden Ma-
chines, for the Ufe of thoſe Orators who defire to talk
much without Interruption. Theſe are, the Pulpit,
the Ladder, and the Stage-Itinerant. For, as to the
Bar, though it be compounded of the fame Matter,
and defigned for the fame Ufe, it cannot, however, be
* But to return, and view the cheerful Skies ;
In this the Tafk and mighty Labour lies.
well
INTRODUCTION.
23
well allowed the Honour of a fourth, by Reaſon of
its level or inferior Situation, expofing it to perpetual
Interruption from Collaterals. Neither can the
Bench itſelf, tho' raiſed to a proper Eminency, put in
a better Claim, whatever its Advocates infift on. For,
if they pleaſe to look into the original Defign of its
Erection, and the Circumſtances or Adjuncts fubfer-
vient to that Defign, they will foon acknowledge the
prefent Practice exactly correfpondent to the Primi-
tive Inftitution, and both to anſwer the Etymology
of the Name, which, in the Phænician Tongue, is a
Word of great Signification, importing, if literally
interpreted, The Place of Sleep; but in common Ac-
ceptation, A Seat well bolstered and cuſhioned, for the
Repofe of old and gouty Limbs: Senes ut in otia tuta re-
cedant. Fortune being indebted to them this Part of
Retaliation, that, as formerly, they have long Talk'd,
whilst others Slept, fo now they may Sleep as long,
whilft others Talk.
BUT if no other Argument could occur to exclude
the Bench and the Bar from the Lift of Oratorial Ma-
chines, it were fufficient, that the Admiffion of them
would overthrow a Number which I was reſolved to
eſtabliſh, whatever Argument it might coft me; in
Imitation of that prudent Method obferved by many
other Philofophers and great Clerks, whofe chief Art.
in Divifion, has been to grow fond of ſome proper
myftical Number, which their Imaginations have
rendered Sacred, to a Degree, that they force com-
mon Reafon to find Room for it in every Part of Na-
ture; reducing, including, and adjuſting every Genius
and Species within that Compafs, by coupling fome
againſt their Wills, and baniſhing others at any Rate.
Now, among all the reft, the profound Number
THREE
24
INTRODUCTION.
THREE is that which hath moft employed my
fublime Speculations, nor ever without wonderful
Delight. There is now in the Prefs (and will be pub-
lished next Term) a Panegyrical Effay of mine upon
this Number, wherein I have, by moft convincing
Proofs, not only reduced the Senfes and the Elements
under its Banner, but brought over feveral Deferters
from its two great Rivals, SEVEN and NINE.
*
Now, the first of thefe Oratorial Machines, in
Place as well as Dignity, is the Pulpit. Of Pulpits,
there are, in this Ifland, feveral Sorts; but I efteem
only that made of Timber from the Sylva Caledonia,
which agrees very well with our Climate. If it be
upon its Decay, 'tis the better, both for Conveyance
of Sound, and for other Reaſons to be mentioned by
and by. The Degree of Perfection in Shape and
Size, I take to confift in being extreamly narrow,
with little Ornament, and beft of all without a Co-
ver (for, by antient Rule, it ought to be the only
uncovered Veffel in every Affembly where it is right-
fally uſed) by which Means, from its near Refem-
blance to a Pillory, it will ever have a mighty Influ-
ence on human Ears.
+
OF Ladders I need fay nothing: "Tis obferved by
Foreigners themfelves, to the Honour of our Coun-
try, that we excel all Nations in our Practice and
Understanding of this Machine. The afcending O
rators do not only oblige their Audience in the a-
greeable Delivery, but the whole World in their
early Publication of thefe Speeches; which I look
upon as the choiceft Treatury of our Britife Elo-,
quence, and whereof, I am informed, that worthy Ci-
tizen and Bookfeller, Mr. John Dunton, hath made
a faithful and a painful Collection, which he ſhortly
defigns
Introd. Pag. 24.
INTRODUCTION.
25
defigns to publiſh in Twelve Volumes in Folio, illuf-
trated with Copper-Plates. A Work highly uſeful and
curious, and altogether worthy of fuch a Hand.
THE laft Engine of Orators is the* Stage Itinerant,
erected with much Sagacity, † fub Fove pluvio, in
triviis & qua driviis. It is the great Seminary of
the two former, and its Orators are fometimes prefer-
red to the One, and fometimes to the Other, in Pro-
portion to their Deſervings, there being a ftrict and
perpetual Intercourſe between all three.
FROM this accurate Deduction, it is manifeft, that,
for obtaining Attention in Public, there is of Neceffity
required a fuperior Pofition of Place. But, although
this Point be generally granted, yet the Caufe is little
agreed in; and it feems to me, that very few Philo-
fophers have fallen into a true, natural Solution of
this Phænomenon. The deepeſt Account, and the
moſt fairly digefted of any I have yet met with, is
this, that Air being a heavy Body, and therefore (ac-
cording to the System of Epicurus) continually
deſcending, muft needs be more fo, when loaden and
prefs'd down by Words; which are alſo Bodies of
much Weight and Gravity, as it is manifeft from
thofe deep Impreffions they make and leave upon us;
and therefore must be delivered from a due Altitude,
or elfe they will neither carry a good Aim, nor fall
down with a fufficient Force.
* Is the Mountebank's Stage, whofe Orators the
Author determines either to the Gallows or a Conven-
ticle.
+ In the open Air, and in Streets where the greateſt
Refort is.
Lucret. Lib. 2.
* Cor-
26
INTRODUCTION.
* Corpoream quoque enim vocem conftare fatendum eft,
Et fonitum, quoniam poffunt impellere Senfus.
Lucr. Lib 4.
AND I am the readier to favour this Conjecture,
from a common Obſervation; that, in the feveral Af-
femblies of theſe Orators, Nature itſelf hath inftructed
the Hearers, to ſtand with their Mouths open, and
erected parallel to the Horizon, ſo as they may be in-
terfected by a perpendicular Line from the Zenith to
the Center of the Earth. In which Pofition, if the
Audience be well compact, every one carries Home a
Share, and little or nothing is loft.
I CONFESS, there is fomething yet more refined in
the Contrivance and Structure of our Modern Theatres.
For, Firſt; the Pit is funk below the Stage with due
Regard to the Inſtitution above deduced; that what-
ever weighty Matter ſhall be delivered thence (whether
it be Lead or Gold) may fall plum into the Jaws of
certain Critics (as I think they are called) which
ftand ready opened to devour them. Then, the Boxes
are built round, and raiſed to a Level with the Scene,
in Deference to the Ladies; becauſe, that large Portion
of Wit, laid out in raiſing Pruriences and Protuberan-
ces, is obſerved to run much upon a Line, and ever
in a Circle. The whining Paffions, and little ftarved
Conceits, are gently wafted up by their own extreme
Levity, to the Middle Region, and there fix and are
frozen by the frigid Underſtandings of the Inhabi-
tants. Bombaftry and Buffoonry, by Nature lofty
and light, foar higheſt of all, and would be loft in the
Roof, if the prudent Architect had not with much
* 'Tis certain then, that Voice that thus can wound,
Is all Material; Body every Sound.
Fore-
INTRODUCTION.
27
Forefight contrived for them a fourth Place, called the
Twelve-Penny-Gallery, and there planted a fuitable
Colony, who greedily intercept them in their Paffage,
Now this Phyfico-logical Scheme of Oratorial Re-
ceptacles of Machines contains a great Myftery, be-
ing a Type, a Sign, an Emblem, a Shadow, a Symbol,
bearing Analogy to the fpacious Commonwealth of
Writers, and to thofe Methods by which they muft
exalt themſelves to a certain Eminency above the
inferior World. By the Pulpit are adumbrated the
Writings of our Modern Saints in Great-Britain, as
they have ſpiritualiſed and refined them from the Drofs
and Groffneſs of Senfe and Human Reaĵon. The Mat-
ter, as we have ſaid, is of rotten Wood, and that up-
on two Confiderations; becauſe it is the Quality of
rotten Wood to give Light in the Dark: And, Se-
condly, Becauſe its Cavities are full of Worms; which
is a Type with a Pair of Handles, having a Reſpect
to the two principal Qualifications of the Orator, and
the two different Fates attending upon his Works,
*
THE Ladder is an adequate Symbol of Faction, and
of Poetry, to both of which ſo noble a Number of Au-
thors are indebted for their Fame. † Of Faction, be-
cauſe
*
*
*
Hiatus in
MS.
Of Poetry, becauſe its Ora-
tors
* The Two principal Qualifications of a Phanatic
Preacher are, bis Inward Light, and his Head full of
Maggots; and the Two different Fates of bis Writings
are, to be burnt or worm-eaten.
+ Here is pretended a Defect in the Manufcript, and
E
this
28
INTRODUCTIÓN.
tors do perorare with a Song; and becauſe, climbing
up by flow Degrees, Fate is fure to turn them off be-
fore they can Reach within many Steps of the Top:
And becauſe it is a Preferment attained by transfer-
ring of Propriety, and a confounding of Meum and
Tuum.
UNDER the Stage Itinerant are couched thoſe Pro-
ductions defigned for the Pleaſure and Delight of mor-
tal Man; ſuch as, Six-penny-worth of Wit, Weſtminſ-
ter Drolleries, Delightful Tales, Compleat Fefters, and
the like; by which the Writers of and for GRUB-
STREET, have in theſe latter Ages fo nobly triumph-
ed over Time; have clipped his Wings, pared his
Nails, filed his Teeth, turned back his Hour-Glafs,
blunted his Scythe, and drawn the Hob Nails out of
his Shoes. It is under this Claffis, I have prefumed to
lift my preſent Treatiſe, being juſt come from having
the Honour conferred upon me, to be adopted a Mem-
ber of that illuftrious Fraternity.
Now, I am not unaware, how the Productions of
the Grub-ftreet Brotherhood, have of late Years fallen
under many Prejudices, nor how it has been the per-
petual Employment of two Junior ſtart-up Societies,
to ridicule them and their Authors, as unworthy their
eſtabliſhed Poft in the Commonwealth of Wit and
Learning. Their own Confciences will eafily inform
them, whom I mean; Nor has the World been fo
negligent a Looker-on, as not to obferve the conti-
nual Efforts made by the Societies of Gresham and of
this is very frequent with our Author, either when he
thinks he cannot fay any Thing worth Reading, or when
he has no Mind to enter on the Subject, or when it is
a Matter of little Moment, or perhaps to amuse his
Reader (whereof he is frequently very fond) or, laftly,
with fome Satyrical Intention.
* Will's,
INTRODUCTION.
29
* Will's, to edify a Name and Reputation upon the
Ruin of OURS. And this is yet a more feeling Grief
to Us, upon the Regards of Tenderneſs as well as of
Juſtice, when we reflect on their Proceedings, not on-
ly as unjuft, but as ungrateful, undutiful, and unnatu-
ral. For, how can it be forgot by the World or them-
felves (to ſay nothing of our own Records, which are
full and clear in the Point) that they both are Semina-
ries, not only of our Planting, but our Watering too?
I am informed, Our two Rivals have lately made an
Offer to enter into the Lifts with united Forces, and
challenge us to a Compariſon of Books, both as to
Weight and Number. In Return to which (with Li-
cence from our Prefident) I humbly offer two An-
ſwers: Firſt, We fay, the Propofal is like that
which Archimedes made upon a † ſmaller Affair,
including an Impoffibility in the Practice; for,
where can they find Scales of Capacity enough for
the First, or an Arithmetician of Capacity enough
for the Second. Secondly, We are ready to ac-
cept the Challenge, but with this Condition, that
a third indifferent Perfon be affigned, to whofe im-
partial Judgment it fhould be left to decide, which
Society, each Book, Treatife or Pamphlet do moft
properly belong to. This Point, God knows, is very
far from being fixed at prefent: For, We are ready
to produce a Catalogue of fome Thouſands, which
in all common Juftice ought to be Entitled to our
Fraternity, but, by the revolted and new-fangled Wri
ters, moſt perfidiously afcribed to the others. Up-
on all which, we think it very unbecoming our Pru-
Will's Coffee Houſe, was formerly the Place where
the Poets uſually met, which, tho' it be yet fresh in Me-
mory, yet in fome Years may be forgot, and want this
Explanation.
+ Viz. About moving the Earth.
E 2
dence,
30
INTRODUCTION.
dence, that the Determination ſhould be remitted to
the Authors themſelves; when our Adverfaries, by
Briguing and Caballing, have caufed fo univerfal a
Defection from us, that the greateſt Part of our So-
ciety hath already deſerted to them, and our neareſt
Friends begin to ftand aloof, as if they were half-
afhamed to own Us.
THIS is the utmoſt I am authoriſed to ſay upon
fo ungrateful and melancholy a Subject; becauſe We
are extreme unwilling to inflame a Controverfy, whoſe
Continuance may be ſo fatal to the Interefts of Us all,
defiring much rather that Things be amicably com-
poſed; and we ſhall fo far advance on our Side, as to
be ready to receive the two Prodigals with open Arms,
whenever they fhall think fit to return from their
Husks and their Harlots; which, I think, from the
* prefent Courſe of their Studies, they moft proper-
ly may be ſaid to be engaged in; and, like an indul-
gent Parent, continue to them our Affection and our
Bleffing.
Bur the greateſt Maim given to that general Re-
ception, which the Writings of our Society have for-
merly received (next to the tranſitory State of all fub-
lunary Things) bath been a fuperficial Vein among
many Readers of the prefent Age, who will by no
means be perfuaded to infpect beyond the Surface
and the Kind of Things; whereas, Wisdom is a Fox,
who, after long Hunting, will at last cost you the
Pains to dig out: It is a Cheefe, which, by how much
the richer, has the thicker, the homeliér, and the
coarfer Coat; and whereof, to a judicious Palate, the
Maggots are the best. It is a Sack-Poffet, wherein the
deeper you go, you will find it the ſweeter. Wisdom
* Virtuofo Experiments, and Modern Comedies.
is
INTRODUCTION.
31
is a Hen, whoſe Cackling we muft value and confider,
becauſe it is attended with an Egg: But, then laftly,
it is a Nut, which, unleſs you chufe with Judgment,
may coſt you a Tooth, and pay you with nothing but
a Worm. In Confequence of theſe momentous Truths
the Grubaan Sages have always chofen to convey
their Precepts and their Arts, ſhut up within the Ve-
hicles of Types and Fables, which having been per-
haps more careful and curious in adorning, than was
altogether neceffary, it has fared with thefe Vehicles,
after the ufual Fate of Coaches over finely painted and
gilt; that the tranfitory Gazers have fo dazzled their
Eyes, and filled their Imaginations with the outward
Luftre, as neither to regard or confider the Perfon or
the Parts of the Owner within. A Misfortune we un-
dergo with fomewhat lefs Reluctancy, becauſe it has
been common to us with Pythagoras, Afop, Socrates,
and other of our Predeceffors.
HOWEVER, that neither the World, nor ourſelves,
may any longer fuffer by fuch Miſunderſtandings, I
have been prevailed on, after much Importunity from
my Friends, to travel in a compleat and laborious
Differtation upon the prime Productions of our So-
ciety, which, befides their beautiful Externals for
the Gratification of fuperficial Readers, have, darkly
and deeply couched under them, the moſt finiſhed and
refined Syſtems of all Sciences and Arts; as I do not
doubt to lay open by Untwifting or Unwinding, and
either to draw up by Exantlation, or diſplay by In-
cifion.
THIS great Work was entered upon fome Years
ago, by one of our moſt eminent Members: He be-
gan with the Hiſtory of † Reynard the Fox, but nei-
ther
†The Author Seems here to be mistaken, for I have
E 3
Seen
32
INTRODUCTION.
ther lived to publiſh his Effay, nor to proceed farther
in ſo uſeful an Attempt, which is very much to be
lamented, becauſe the Diſcovery he made, and com-
municated with his Friends, is now univerſally re-
ceived; nor, do I think, any of the Learned will dif-
pute, that famous Treatife to be a compleat Body of
Civil Knowledge, and the Revelation, or rather the
Apocalypfe of all State Arcana. But the Progrefs I
have made is much greater, having already finiſhed
my Annotations upon feveral Dozens; from fome of
which, I fhall impart a few Hints to the candid Rea-
der, as far as will be neceflary to the Concluſion at
which I aim.
THE firft Piece I have handled is that of Tom Thumb,
whoſe Author was a Pythagorean Philofopher. This
dark Treatife contains the whole Scheme of one Me-
tempfychofis, deducing the Progreſs of the Soul thro'
all her Stages.
THE next is Dr. Fauftus, penned by Artephius, an
Author bona nota, and an Adeptus; he publiſhed it
in the * nine-hundred-eighty-fourth Year of his Age;
this Writer proceeds wholly by Reincrudation, or in
the via humida: And the Marriage between Fauftus
and Helen, does moft confpicuoufly dilucidate the
Fermenting of the Male and Female Dragon.
WHITTINGTON and his Cat, is the Work of that
Myſterious Rabbi, Jehuda Hannafi, containing a De-
fence of the Gemara of the Jerufalem Mifna, and its
feen a Latin Edition of Reynard the Fox, above a hun-
dred Years old, which I take to be the Original; for the
reft, it has been thought by many People to contain fome
Satyrical Defign in it.
*He lived a thouſand.
juſt
INTRODUCTION.
33
juft Preference to that of Babylon, contrary to the vul-
gar Opinion.
THE Hind and Panther. This is the Maſter-piece
of a famous * Writer now living, intended for a com-
pleat Abſtract of fixteen thouſand School-men from
Scotus to Bellarmin.
TOMMY POTS. Another Piece ſuppoſed by the
fame Hand, by Way of Supplement to the former.
THE Wife Men of Goatham, cum Appendice. This
is a Treatife of immenfe Erudition, being the great
Original and Fountain of thoſe Arguments, bandied
about both in France and England, for a juft Defence
of the Moderns Learning and Wit, againſt the Pre-
ſumption, the Pride, and the Ignorance of the An-
tients. This unknown Author hath ſo exhauſted the
Subject, that a penetrating Reader will eaſily diſcover
whatever hath been written fince upon that Difpute,
to be little more than Repetition. † An Abſtract of
this Treatife hath been lately publiſhed by a worthy
Member of our Society.
THESE Notices may ſerve to give the Learned Rea-
der an Idea, as well as a Tafte of what the whole Work
is likely to produce; wherein I have now altogether
circumfcribed my Thoughts and my Studies; and,
if I can bring it to a Perfection before I die, fhall
reckon I have well employed the poor Remains of
* Viz. In the Year 1698.
+ This I suppose to be understood of Mr. W-tt-n's
Difcourfe of Ancient and Modern Learning.
Here the Author feems to perfonate L'Eftrange,
Dryden, and fome others, who, after having paft their
Lives in Vices, Faction and Falfhood, have the Impu-
dence to talk of Merit, and Innocence, and Sufferings.
E 4
an
34
INTRODUCTION.
an unfortunate Life.
justly expect from a Quill worn to the Pith in the
Service of the State, in Pro's and Con's upon Popish
Plots, and || Meal Tubs, and Exclufion Bills, and Paf-
five Obedience, and Addreſſes of Lives and Fortunes;
and Prerogative, and Property, and Liberty of Con-
Science, and Letters to a Friend: From an Under-
ftanding and a Confcience, thread-bare and ragged
with perpetual turning; from a Head broken in a hun-
dred Places, by the Malignants of the oppofite Facti-
ons; and from a Body ſpent with Poxes ill cured, by
trufting to Bawds and Surgeons, who (as it after-
wards appeared) were profefs'd Enemies to Me and
the Government, and revenged their Party's Quar-
rel upon my Nofe and Shins. Fourfcore and Eleven
Pamphlets have I written under three Reigns, and for
the Service of fix and thirty Factions. But, finding
the State has no farther Occafion for me and my Ink,
I retire willingly to draw it out into Speculations
more becoming a Philofopher; having, to my un-
ſpeakable Comfort, paffed a long Life, with a Con-
fcience void of Offence.
This indeed is more than I can
BUT to return. I am affured from the Reader's
Condor, that the brief Specimen I have given, will
eafily clear all the reft of our Society's Productions
from an Afperfion grown, as it is manifeft, out of
Envy and Ignorance: That they are of little farther
Ufe or Value to Mankind beyond the common En-
tertainments of their Wit and their Style; for theſe
I am ſure have never yet been difputed by our keen-
eſt Adverſaries: In both which, as well as the more
In King Charles the Second's Time, there was an
Account of a Prefbyterian Plot, found in a Tub, which
then made much Noife.
pro-
INTRODUCTION.
35
profound and myftical Part, I have throughout this
Treatife cloſely followed the moſt applauded Origi-
nals. And to render all compleat, I have with, much
Thought and Application of Mind, fo ordered, that
the chief Title perfixed to it (I mean, that under
which I deſign it fhall pafs in the Common Conver-
fations of Court and Town) is modelled exactly after
the Manner peculiar to Our Society.
I CONFESS to have been fomewhat liberal in the
Buſineſs of Titles, having obferved the Humour
of multiplying them, to bear great Vogue among
certain Writers, whom I exceedingly reverence. And
indeed, it ſeems not unreaſonable, that Books, the
Children of the Brain, ſhould have the Honour to be
chriſtened with variety of Names, as well as other In-
fants of Quality. Our famous Dryden has ventured
to proceed a Point farther, endeavouring to introduce
alfo a Multiplicity of † God-fathers; which is an Im-
provement of much more Advantage, upon a very ob-
vious Account. It is a Pity this admirable Inven-
tion has not been better cultivated, fo as to grow by
this Time into general Imitation, when fuch an Au-
thority ſerves it for a Precedent. Nor have my En-
deavours been wanting to ſecond ſo uſeful an Exam-
ple: But it ſeems, there is an unhappy Expence uſu-
ally annexed to the Calling of a God-father, which
was clearly out of my Head, as it is very reaſonable
to believe. Where the Pinch lay, I cannot certainly.
affirm; but having employed a World of Thoughts
* The Title Page in the Original was fo torn, that
it was not poſſible to recover ſeveral Titles which the
Author bere fpeaks of.
+ See Virgil tranflated, &c.
and
36
A TALE
and Pains, to fplit my Treatife into forty Sections,
and having intreated forty Lords of my Acquaintance,
that they would do me the Honour to ftand, they all
made it a Matter of Conſcience, and fent me their
Excufes.
SECTION II.
NCE upon a Time, there was a Man who
had Three * Sons by one Wife, and all at a
Birth, neither could the Mid-Wife tell certain-
ly which was the Eldeft. Their Father died while
they were young, and upon his Death Bed, calling the
Lads to him, fpoke thus:
SoNs; becauſe I have purchaſed no eftate, nor was
born to any, I have long confidered of fome good Legacies
to bequeath You; and at laft, with much Care as well
as Expence, have provided each of you (here they are)
a new + Coat. Now, you are to understand, that theſe
Coats have two Virtues contained in them: One is, that,
with good Wearing, they will last you fresh and found
as long as you live: The other is, that they will grow
*By these three Sons, Peter, Martin, and Jack, Po-
pery, the Church of England, and our Proteftant Dif-
fenters are defigned.
W. Wotton.
+ By his Coats which he gave his Sons, the Garment
of the Ifraelites.
W. Wotton.
An Error (with Submiffion) of the learned Com-
mentator; for by the Coats are meant the Doctrine and
Faith of Chriftianity, by the Wisdom of the Divine
Founder fitted to all Times, Places, and Circumftances.
Lambin.
in
of a T U B.
37
in the fame Proportion with your Bodies, lengthening and
widening of themselves, fo as to be always fit. Here,
let me fee them on you before I die. So, very well; pray
Children wear them clean, and brush them often. You
will find in my ‡ Will (here it is) full Inftructions in e-
very Particular concerning the Wearing and Manage-
ment of your Coats; wherein you must be very exact, to
avoid the Penalties I have appointed for every Tranf
greffion or Neglect, upon which your future Fortunes
will entirely depend. I have alſo commanded in my
Will, that you should live together in one Houſe like Bre-
thren and Friends, for then you will be fure to thrive,
and not otherwiſe.
in_my
HERE the Story fays, this good Father died, and
the three Sons went all together to feek their For-
tunes.
I SHALL not trouble you with recounting what Ad-
ventures they met for the firſt ſeven Years, any far-
ther than by taking Notice, that they carefully ob-
ferved their Father's Will, and kept their Coats in
very good Order: That they travelled thro' ſeveral
Countries, encountered a reaſonable Quantity of Gi-
ants, and flew certain Dragons.
BEING now arrived at the proper Age for produ-
cing themſelves, they came up to Town, and fell in
love with the Ladies, but eſpecially three, who a-
bout that Time were in chief Reputation: The
1 The New Teftament.
Mireffament
|| Their Miftreffes are the Dutchefs d'Argent, Ma-
damoiſelle de Grands Titres, and the Counteſs d'Or-
gueil, i. e. Covetouſneſs, Ambition, and Pride; which
were the three great Vices that the ancient Fathers in-
weighed againft, as the firft Corruptions of Chriftianity.
W. Wotton.
Dutchefs
38
ATALE
Dutchefs d' Argent, Madame de Grands Titres, and
the Counteſs d'Orgueil. On their firft Appearance,
our three Adventurers met with a very bad Reception;
and foon with great Sagacity guefling out the Reafon,
they quickly began to improve in the good Qualities
of the Town: They Writ and Raillied, and Rhymed,
and Sung, and Said, and Said Nothing: They Drank,
and Fought, and Whor'd, and Slept, and Swore, and
took Snuff: They went to new Plays on the firft Night,
haunted the Chocolate Houſes, beat the Watch, lay on
Bulks, and got Claps: They bilked Hackney Coach-
men, ran in Debt with Shopkeepers, and lay with
their Wives: They killed Bayliffs, kicked Fidlers
down Stairs, eat at Locket's, loitered at Will's: They
talked of the Drawing-Room, and never came there:
Dined with Lords they never faw: Whiſpered a
Dutchefs, and ſpoke never a Word: Expofed the
Scrawls of their Laundrefs for Billetdoux of Quality:
Came ever juft from Court, and were never ſeen in it:
Attended the Levee fub dio: Got a Lift of Peers by
Heart in one Company, and with great Familiarity
retailed them in another. Above all, they conſtantly
attended thoſe Committee of Senators who are filent
in the Houſe, and loud in the Coffee Houfe, where they
nightly adjourn to chew the Cud of Politics, and are
encompaſs'd with a Ring of Diſciples, who lie in wait
to catch up their Droppings. The three Brothers had
acquired forty other Qualifications of the like Stamp.
too tedious to recount, and, by Confequence, were
juſtly reckoned the moſt accompliſhed Perfons in the
Town: But all would not fuffice, and the Ladies a-
forefaid continued ftill inflexible. To clear up which
Difficulty, I must, with the Reader's good Leave and
Patience, have Recourſe to fome Points of Weight,
which the Authors of that Age have not fufficiently
illuftrated.
FOR,
of a TU B.
39
FOR, about this Time it happened a Sect a-
roſe whoſe Tenents obtained and fpread very far, e-
ſpecially in the Grand Monde, and among every Bo-
dy of good Faſhion. They worshipped a Sort of
Idol, who, as their Doctrine delivered, did daily create
Men, by a Kind of Manufactory Operation. This
Idol they placed in the higheft Parts of the Houſe,
on an Altar erected about three Foot: He was fhewn
in the Pofture of a Perfian Emperor, fitting on a Sa-
perficies, with his Legs interwoven under him. This
God had a Goofe for his Enfign; whence it is, that
fome learned Men pretend to deduce his Original
from Jupiter Capitolinus. At his Left-hand, be-
neath the Altar, Hell feemed to open, and catch at
the Animals the Idol was creating; to prevent which,
certain of his Prieſts hourly flung in Pieces of the un-
informed Maſs, or Subftance, and fometimes whole
Limbs already enlivened, which that horrid Gulph
infatiably ſwallowed, terrible to behold. The Goofs
was alſo held a fubaltern Divinity, or Deus Minorum
Gentium, before whofe Shrine was facrificed that
Creature, whoſe hourly Food is human Gore, and
who is in fo great Renown abroad, for being the
Delight and Favourite of the Egyptian Cercopitbe-
cus. Millions of theſe Animals were cruelly flaugh-
tered every Day to appeaſe the Hunger of that con-
*This an occafional Satyr upon Drefs and Fashion in
order to introduce what follows.
|| By this Idol is meant a Taylor.
The Egyptians worshipped a Monkey, which Ani-
mal is very fond of eating "Lice, ftyled here Creatures
that feed on human Gore.
fuming
40
A TALE
fuming Deity. The chief Idol was alſo worſhipped
as the Inventor of the Yard and Needle, whether as
the God of Seamen, or on Account of certain o-
ther myſtical Attributes, hath not been fufficiently
cleared.
1
THE Worſhippers of this Deity had alfo a Syftem
of their Belief, which feemed to turn upon the fol-
lowing Fundamental. They held the Univerſe to be
a large Suit of Cloaths, which invefts every Thing:
That the Earth is invested by the Air; the Air is in-
vefted by the Stars; and the Stars are invefted by the
Primum Mobile. Look on this Globe of Earth, you
will find it to be a very compleat and faſhionable
Dreſs. What is that which ſome call Land, but a
fine Coat faced with Green? or the Sea, but a Waiſt-
coat of Water-Tabby? Proceed to the particular Works
of the Creation, you will find how curious Journey-
men Nature hath been, to trim up the vegetable Beaux:
Obferve how ſparkiſh a Periwig adorns the Head of
a Beech, and what a fine Doublet of white Sattin is
worn by the Birch. To conclude from all, what is
Man himſelf but a * Micro-Coat, or rather a com-
pleat Suit of Cloaths with all its Trimmings? As to
his Body, there can be no Difpute: But examine e-
ven the Acquirements of his Mind, you will find them
all contribute in their Order, towards furniſhing out
exact Dreſs: To inftance no more; Is not Religi-
on a Cloak, Honefty a Pair of Shoes, worn out in the
Dirt, Self-love a Surtout, Vanity a Shirt, and Con-
fcience a Pair of Breeches, which, tho' a Cover for
Lewdneſs as well as Naftinefs, is eafily flipt down for
the Service of both.
an
Alluding to the Word Microcofm, or a little
World, as Man hath been called by Philofophers.
THESE
of a TUB.
41
THESE Poftulata being admitted, it will follow in
due Courſe of Reaſoning, that thoſe Beings, which
the World calls improperly Suits of Cloaths, are in
reality the moft refined Species of Animals; or to pro-
ceed higher, that they are Rational Creatures, or
Men. For, is it not manifeft, that they live, and
move, and talk, and perform all other Offices of hu-
man Life? Are not Beauty, and Wit, and Mien, and
Breeding, their infeparable Proprieties; In fhort we
fee nothing but them, hear nothing but them. Is it
not they who walk the Streets, fill up Parliament
Coffee, Play, Bawdy-Houfes? It is
true indeed, that theſe Animals, which are vulgarly
called Suits of Cloaths, or Dreſſes, do according to cer-
tain Compofitions receive different Appellations. If
one of them be trimmed up with a Gold Chain, and a
red Gown, and a white Rod, and a great Horſe, it is
called a Lord-Mayor: If certain Ermins and Furrs be
placed in a certain Pofition, we ftile them a fadge;
and fo, an apt Conjunction of Lawn and black Sat-
tin, we intitle a Bishop.
OTHERS of theſe Profeffors, tho' agreeing in the
main Syſtem, were yet more refined upon certain
Branches of it; and held, that Man was an Animal
compounded of two Dreſſes, the Natural and Celestial
Suit, which were the Body and the Soul: That the
Soul was the outward, and the Body the inward Cloath-
ing; that the latter was ex traduce; but the former of
daily Creation and Circumfufion; this laſt they prov-
ed by Scripture, becauſe, in Them we Live, and Move,
and have our Being: As likewife by Philoſophy, be-
cauſe they are All in All, and All in every Part. Be-
fides, faid they, feparate theſe two, and you will find
the Body to be only a fenfeleſs unfavoury Carcafs. By
all
42
ATALE
all which it is manifeft, that the outward Dreſs muft
needs be the Soul.
To this Syftem of Religion, were tagged ſeveral
fubaltern Doctrines, which were entertained with
great Vogue; as particularly, the Faculties of the
Mind were deduced by the Learned among them
in this Manner: Embroidery, was Sheer Wit; Gold
Fringe, was agreeable Converfation; Gold Lace, was
Repartee; a huge long Periwig, was Humour; and a
Coat full of Powder, was very good Raillery: All
which, required Abundance of Finesse and Delicatele
to manage with Advantage, as well as a ftrict Obfer-
vance after Times and Faſhions.
I HAVE, with much Pains and Reading, collected
out of ancient Authors, this fhort Summary of a Body
of Philofophy and Divinity, which feems to have been
compofed by a Vein and Race of Thinking, very dif-
ferent from any other Syſtems, either Ancient or Mo-
dern. And it was not meerly to entertain or fatisfy
the Reader's Curiofity, but rather to give him Light
into feveral Circumftances of the following Story;
that, knowing the State of Difpofitions and Opinions
in an Age fo remote, he may better comprehend thoſe
great Events, which were the Iffue of them. I ad-
vife, therefore, the courteous Reader, to perufe, with
a World of Application, again and again, whatever I
have written upon this Matter. And leaving theſe
broken Ends, I carefully gather up the chief Thread
of my Story, and proceed.
THESE Opinions, therefore, were ſo univerſal, as
well as the Practices of them, among the refined Part
of
The first Part of the Tale is the Hiftory of Peter;
thereby Popery is expofed: Every Body knows the Pa-
pifts
of a TUB.
43
of Court and Town, that our three Brother-Adventu-
rers, as their Circumſtances then ſtood, were ftrange-
ly at a Lofs.
For, on the one Side, the three La-
dies they addrefs'd themſelves to (whom we have
named already) were ever at the very Top of the
Faſhion, and abhorred all that were below it but the
Breadth of a Hair. On the other Side, their Father's
Will was very precife, and it was the main Precept
in it, with the greateſt Penalties annexed, not to add
to, or diminiſh from their Coats, one Thread, with-
out a Pofitive Command in the Will. Now the Coats
their Father had left them, were, 'tis true, of very
good Cloth, and befides, fo neatly fown, you would
fwear they were all of a Piece; but at the fame Time
very plain, and with little or no Ornament: And it
happened, that, before they were a Month in Town,
great * Shoulder-Knots came up: Strait all the World
was
pifts have made great Additions to Christianity, that
indeed is the great Exception which the Church of
England makes against them; accordingly Peter begins
his Pranks with adding a Shoulder Knot to his Coat.
W. Wotton.
66
His Defcription of the Cloth of which the Coat was
made, has a farther Meaning than the Words may feem
to import: "The Coats their Father had left them,
were of very good Cloth, and befides, fo neatly
"fown, you would fwear they were all of a Piece;
"but at the fame Time very plain, with little or no
"Ornament." This is the diftinguishing Character of
the Chriflian Religion: Chriftiana Religio abfoluta &
fimplex, was Ammianus Macellinus's Deſcription of
it, who was himself a Heathen. W. Wotton.
By this is underflood the first introducing of Page-
antry, and unneceffary Ornaments in the Church, fuch
F
44
ATALE
was Shoulder Knots; no approaching the Ladies Ruet
·les, without the Quota of Shoulder-Knots. That Fellow,
cries one, has no Soul, Where is his Shoulder-Knot?
Our three Brethren foon difcovered their Want
by fad Experience, meeting in their Walks with for-
ty Mortifications and Indignities. If they went to the
Play-Houfe, the Door-keeper fhewed them into the
Twelve-penny Gallery. If they called a Boat, fayst
a Waterman, I am firft Sculler. If they ſtepped
to the Rofe to take a Bottle, the Drawer would cry,
Friend, we fell no Ale. If they went to vifit a Lady,
a Footman met them at the Door, with Pray fend up
your Meffage. In this unhappy Cafe, they went im-
mediately to confult their Father's Will, read it over
and over, but not a Word of the Shoulder- Knot; What
fhould they do? What Temper fhould they find ?
Obedience was abfolutely neceffary, and yet Shoulder -
Knots appeared extremely requifite. After much
Thought, one of the Brothers, who happened to be
more Book learned than the other two, faid he had
found an Expedient. It is true, faid he, there is
nothing here in this Will, totidem verbis, making
mention of Shoulder-Knots; but I dare conjecture, we
may find them inclufive, or totidem fyllabis.
Distinction was immediately approved by all; and
This
as were neither for Convenience nor Edification, as a
Shoulder-Knot, in which there is neither Symmetry
nor Ufe.
When the Papifts cannot find any Thing which they
want in Scripture, they go to Oral Tradition: Thus
Peter is introduced fatisfy'd with the tedious Way of
looking for all the Letters of any Word, which be bas
Occafion for in the Will; when neither the conflituent
Syllables, nor much less the whole Word, were there in
Terminis. W. Wotton.
Lo
Pag.44·
of a TUB.
45
fo they fell again to examine; but their evil Star
had fo directed the Matter, that the firft Syllable was
not to be found in the whole Writings. Upon which
Diſappointment, he, who found the former Evafion,
took Heart, and faid, Brothers, there is yet Hopes ; for
tho' we cannot find them totidem verbis, nor totidem
fyllabis, I dare engage we shall make them out tertio
modo, or totidem literis. This Diſcovery was alſo
highly commended, upon which they fell once more to
the Scrutiny, and picked out S, H, Ó, U, L, D, E, R ;
when the fame Planet, Enemy to their Repoſe, had
wonderfully contrived, that a K, was not to be
found. Here was a weighty Difficulty! but the
Diftinguiſhing Brother (for whom we fhall hereafter
find a Name) now his Hand was in, proved by a
very good Argument, that K, was a modern illegi-
timate Letter, unknown to the Learned Ages, nor
any where to be found in antient Manufcripts. Ca-
lende hath in ‡ Q. V. C. been ſometimes writ with a
K, but erroneously; for in the best Copies it has been
ever fpelt with a˚C. And by Confequence it was a
groſs Miſtake in our Language to ſpell Knot with a
K; but that from henceforward, he would take care
it ſhould be writ with a C. Upon this, all farther
Difficulty vanifhed; Shoulder-Knots were made clear-
ly out, to be Jure Paterno, and our three Gentle-
men fwagger'd with as large and as flanting ones as
the beſt.
But, as human Happineſs is of a very ſhort Dura-
tion, fo in thoſe Days were human Faſhions, upon
which it intirely depends. Shoulder-Knots had their
Time, and we mult now imagine them in their De.
‡ Quibufdam Veteribus Codicibus. Some antient
Manufcripts.
F 2
cline;
46
ATALE
4
cline; for a certain Lord came juft from Paris with
fifty Yards of Gold Lace upon his Coat, exactly trim-
med after the Court Faſhion of that Month. In two
Days, all Mankind appeared clofed up in Bars of ||
Gold-Lace: Whoever durft peep abroad without his
Compliment of Gold Lace, was as fcandalous as a
and as ill received among the Women: What ſhould
our three Knights do in this momentous Affair? they
had fufficiently ftrained a Point already, in the Affair
of Shoulder-Knots: Upon Recourſe to the Will, no-
thing appeared there, but altum filentium. That of
the Shoulder-Knots was a looſe, flying, circumftantial
Point; but this of Gold Lace feemed too confiderable an
Alteration, without better Warrant; it did aliquo mo-
do effentia adhærere, and therefore required a pofitive
Precept. But about this Time it fell out, that the
Learned Brother aforefaid, had read Ariftotelis Dia-
lecta, and eſpecially that wonderful Piece de Interpre-
tatione, which has the Faculty of teaching its Rea-
ders to find out a Meaning in every Thing but itſelf;
like Commentators on the Revelations, who proceed
Prophets without understanding a Syllable of the
Text. Brothers, faid he, * You are to be informed,
that of Wills, duo funt genera, † Nuncupatory and
Scriptory; that to the Scriptory Will here before us,
there is no Precept or Mention about Gold-Lace, conce-
|| I cannot tell whether the Author means any new In-
novation by this Word, or whether it be only to introduce
the new Methods of forcing and perverting Scripture.
* The next Subject of our Author's Wit, is the Gloffes
and Interpretations of Scripture, very many abfurd ones
of which are allowed in the moft Authentic Books of the
Church of Rome. W. Wotton.
+ By this is meant Tradition, allowed to have equal
Authority with the Scripture, or rather greater.
ditur :
of a TUB.
47
ditur: But, fi idem affirmetur de nuncupatoria, nega-
tur. For, Brothers, if you remember, we heard a Fel-
Fa-
bow say, when we were Boys, that he heard my
ther's Man fay, that he heard my Father fay, that he
would advife his Sons to get Gold-Lace on their Coats,
as ſoon as ever they could procure Money to buy it. By
G-that is very true, cries the other; I remember it
perfectly well, faid the third. And fo without more
ado, they got the largest Gold-Lace in the Parish, and
walked about as fine as Lords.
A WHILE after, there came up allin Fashion, a pret-
ty Sort of Flame-coloured Sattin for Linings; and
the Mercer brought a Pattern of it immediately to our
three Gentlemen: An pleaſe your Worſhips, (ſaid he)
My Lord C-, and Sir J. W. had Linings out of
this very Piece laft Night; it takes wonderfully, and
This is Purgatory, whereof he ſpeaks more parti-
cularly hereafter; but here, only to few how Scripture
was perverted to prove it, which was done, by giving
equal Authority with the Canon to Apocrypha, called
here a Codicil annexed.
It is likely the Author, in every one of thefe Changes
in the Brother's Dreffes, refers to fome particular Er-
ror in the Church of Rome; tho' it is not eafy, I think,
to apply them all: But by this of Flame-coloured Sat-
tin, is manifeftly intended Purgatory; by Gold-Lace
may perhaps be underfood, the lofty Ornaments and Plate
in the Churches; the Shoulder-Knots and Silver Fringe
are not fo obvious, at least to me; but the Indian Fi-
gures of Men, Women, and Children, plainly relate to
the Pictures in the Romish Churches, of God like an old
Man, of the Virgin Mary, and our Saviour as a Child.
|| This fhews the Time the Author writ, it being
about fourteen Years fince thoſe two Perfons were rec-
koned the fine Gentlemen of the Town.
F 3
Ifhall
48.
ATALE
I fhall not have a Remnant left, enough to make my
Wife a Pin-cushion, by to-morrow Morning at ten a
Clock. Upon this, they fell again to rummage the
Will, becauſe the preſent Cafe alfo required a poſi-
tive Precept, the Lining being held by Orthodox Wri-
ters to be of the Effence of the Coat. After long
Search, they could fix upon Nothing to the Matter in
Hand, except a fhort Advice of their Father in the
Will,* to take Care of Fire, and put out their Candles
before they went to Sleep. This, tho' a good deal
for the Purpoſe, and helping very far towards Self-
Conviction, yet not feeming wholly of Force to efta-
bliſh a Command; and being refolved to avoid farther
Scruple, as well as future Occafion for Scandal, fays
he, that was the Scholar, I remember to have readin
Wills, of a Codicil annexed, which is indeed a Part
of the Will, and what it contains hath equal Authori-
ty with the reft. Now, I have been confidering of this
fame Will here before us, and I cannot reckon it to be
compleat, for want of fuch a Codicil: I will there-
fore faften one in its proper Place very dexterously; I
have had it by me fome Time, it was written by a
Dog-keeper of † my Grand-Father's, and talks a great
deal (as good Luck would have it) of this very flame-
colour'd Sattin. The Project was immediately appro-
ved by the other two; an old Parchment Scrowl was
tagged on according to Art, in the Form of a Codicil
annexed, and the Sattin bought and worn.
NEXT Winter, a Player, hired for the Purpoſe
by the Corporation of Fringe-makers, acted his Part
* That is, to take Care of Hell; And, in order to
do that, to ſubdue and extinguish their Lufts.
+ I believe this refers to that Part of the Apocry-
pha, where Mention it made of Tobit and his Dog.
in
of a TUB.
49.
in a new Comedy, all covered with * Silver Fringe,
and according to the laudable Cuftom gave Rife to
that Faſhion. Upon which, the Brothers, confulting
their Father's Will, to their great Aſtoniſhment found
thefe Words; Item, I charge and command my ſaid
three Sons, to wear no Sort of Silver Fringe upon or a-
bout their faid Coats, &c. with a Penalty, in caſe of
Difobedience, too long here to infert. However, af-
ter fome Pauſe, the Brother fo often mentioned for
his Erudition, who was well ſkilled in Criticiſms, had
found in a certain Author, which he faid fhould be
nameless, that the fame Word, which in the Will is
called Fringe, does alfo fignify a Broom-flick; and
doubtless ought to have the fame Interpretation in
this Paragraph. This, another of the Brothers diflik-
ed, becauſe of that Epithet Silver, which could not,
he humbly conceived, in Propriety of Speech, be rea-
fonably applied to a Broom ſtick: But it was replied
upon him, that this Epithet was underſtood in a My-
thological and Allegorical Senfe. However, he object-
ed again, why their Father fhould forbid them to wear
a Broom-ftick on their Coats, a Caution that feem'd
unnatural and impertinent; upon which, he was ta-
ken up ſhort, as one that fpoke irreverently of a My-
ftery, which doubtless was very uſeful and fignificant,
but ought not to be over-curiously pried into, or nice-
ly reafoned upon. And in ſhort, their Father's Au-
thority being now confiderably funk, this Expedient
was allowed to ferve as a lawful Difpenfation, for
wearing their full Proportion of Silver Fringe.
* This is certainly the farther introducing the Pomps
of Habit and Ornament.
F4
A WHILE
50
ATALE
A WHILE after, was revived an old Faſhion, long
antiquated, of Embroidery with * Indian Figures of
Men, Women, and Children. Here they remembered,
but too well, how their Father had always abhorred
this Faſhion; that he made ſeveral Paragraphs on pur-
poſe, importing his utter Deteſtation of it, and beſtow-
ing his everlafting Curfe to his Sons, whenever they
fhould wear it. For all this, in a few Days, they ap-
peared higher in the Faſhion than any Body elſe in
the Town. But they folved the Matter, by faying,
that theſe Figures were not all the ſame with thoſe
that were formerly worn, and were meant in the Will.
Befides, they did not wear them in the Senſe, as for-
bidden by their Father; but as they were a commen-
dable Cuſtom, and of great Uſe to the Public. That
theſe rigorous Claufes in the Will did therefore re-
quire fome Allowance, and a favourable Interpreta-
tion, and ought to be underſtood cum grano Salis.
BUT Faſhions perpetually altering in that Age, the
Scholaftic Brother grew weary of fearching farther
Evafions, and folving everlafting Contradictions; re-
folved therefore, at all Hazards, to comply with the
Modes of the World; they concerted Matters toge-
ther, and agreed unanimously, to + lock up their Fa-
ther's
*The Images of Saints, the Blessed Virgin, and our
Saviour an Infant.
Ibid. Images in the Church of Rome give him but
too fair a Handle. The Brothers remembered, &c.
The Allegory here is dire&. W. Wotton.
+ The Papifts formerly forbad the People the Ufe of
Scripture in a Vulgar Tongue. Peter therefore locks up
his Father's Will in a strong Box, brought out of
Greece
of a TU B.
51
ther's Will in a ftrong Box, brought out of Greece or
Italy (I have forgot which) and trouble themſelves no
farther to examine it, but only refer to its Authority
whenever they thought fit. In Confequence where-
of, a while after, it grew a general Mode to wear
an infinite Number of Points, most of them tagged
with Silver: Upon which the Scholar pronounc-
ed * ex Cathedra, that Points were abfolutely Jure
Paterno, as they might very well remember. 'Tis
true, indeed, the Faſhion preſcribed fomewhat more
than were directly named in the Will; however, that
they, as Heirs general of their Father, had Power to
make and add certain Claufes for public Emolument,
though not deducible, totidem verbis, from the Letter
of the Will, or elſe, Multa ab furda fequerentur. This
was underſtood for Canonical, and therefore, on the
following Sunday, they came to Church all covered
with Points.
THE Learned Brother fo often mentioned, was
reckon'd the beſt Scholar in all that, or the next Street
to it; infomuch as, having run fomething behind-
Greece or Italy: Thefe Countries are named, becauſe
the New Teftament is written in Greek; and the
Vulgar Latin, which is the Authentic Edition of the
Bible in the Church of Rome, is in the Language of old
Italy. W. Wotton.
*The Popes, in their Decretals and Bulls, have gi-
ven their Sanction to very many gainful Doctrines,
which are now received in the Church of Rome, that
are not mentioned in Scripture, and are unknown to the
Primitive Church: Peter, accordingly, pronounces ex
Cathedra, That Points tagged with Silver were abſo-
lutely Jure Paterno; and fo they wore them in great
Numbers. W. Wotton.
hand
52
A Digreffion
hand in the Word, he obtained the Favour of a † cer-
tain Lord, to receive him into his Houſe, and to teach
his Children. A while after, the Lord died, and he,
by long Practice of his Father's Will, found the Way
of contriving a Deed of Conveyance of that Houfe to
Himfelf, and his Heirs: Upon which, he took Pof-
feffion, turned the young Squires out, and received his
Brothers in their Stead.
*
T
SECT. III.
A Digreffion concerning Critics.
HO' I have been hitherto as cautious as I
could, upon all Occafions, moft nicely to
follow the Rules and Methods of Writing,
laid down by the Example of our illuftrious Moderns;
yet has the unhappy Shortness of my Memory led me
into an Error, from which I muft extricate myſelf,
before I can decently purfue my principal Subject. I
confefs, with Shame, is was an unpardonable Omif-
+ This was Conſtantine the Great, from whom the
Popes pretend a Donation of St. Peter's Patrimony,
which they have been never able to produce.
* Ibid. The Bishops of Rome enjoy'd their Privileges
in Rome at firſt by the Favour of Emperors, whom at
laft they shut out of their own Capital City, and then
forged a Donation from Conftantine the Great, the be-
ter to justify what they did. In Imitation of this, Pe-
ter, having run fomething behind hand in the World,
obtained Leave of a certain Lord, &c. W. Wotton.
fion
concerning Critics.
53
fion to proceed fo far as I have already done, before I
had performed the due Difcourfes, Expoftulatory,
Supplicatory, or Deprecatory, with my good Lords
the Critics. Towards fome Atonement for this grie-
vous Neglect, I do here make humbly bold to pre-
fent them with a fhort Account of themſelves and their
Art, by looking into the Original and Pedigree of the
Word, as it is generally understood among us, and
very briefly confidering the antient and prefent State
thereof.
:
By the Word, Critic, at this Day fo frequent in
all Converſations, there have fometimes been diſtin-
guifhed three very different Species of Mortal Men,
according as I have read in Antient Books and Pamph-
lets. For, firft, by this Term, was underſtood fuch
Perfons as invented or drew up Rules for themſelves
and the World, by obferving which, a careful Reader
might be able to pronounce upon the Productions of
the Learned, from his Tafte, to a true Reliſh of the
Sublime and the Admirable, and divide every Beauty
of Matter or of Style from the Corruption that Apes
it In their common Perufal of Books, fingling out
the Errors and defects, the Naufeous, the Fulfome,
the Dull and the Impertinent, with the Caution of
a Man that walks thro' Edinborough Streets in a Morn-
ing, who is, indeed, as careful as he can, to watch
diligently, and ſpy out the Filth in his Way; not that
he is curious to obferve the Colour and Complexion
of the Crdure, or take its Dimenfions, much lefs to
be paddling in, or tafling it; but only with a Defign
to come out as cleanly as he may. Theſe Men ſeem,
tho' very erroneouſly, to have underfood the Appel-
lation of Critic in a literal Senfe; That one principal
Part of his Office was to Praiſe and Acquit; and, that
a Critic, who fets up to Read, only for an Occafion
of
54
A Digreffion
*
of Cenfure and Reproof, is a Creature as barbarous as
a Judge, who ſhould take up a Reſolution to hang all
Men that came before him upon a Tryal.
AGAIN, by the Word Critic, have been meant,
the Reſtorers of Antient Learning from the Worms,
and Graves, and Duft of Manufcripts.
Now, the Races of thoſe two have been for fome
Ages utterly extinct; and beſides, to diſcourſe any
farther of them, would not be at all to my Purpoſe.
THE Third, and Nobleft Sort, is that of the
TRUE CRITIC, whofe Original is the moſt Antient
of all. Every True Critic is a Hero born, defcending
in a direct Line from a celeſtial Stem, by Momus and
Hybris, who begat Zoilus, who begat Tigellius, who
begat Etcetera the Elder, who begat B-tiey, and Ry-
-r, and W-tton, and Perrault, and Dennis, who be-
gat Etcætera the Younger.
AND theſe are the Critics from whom the Com-
monwealth of Learning has in all Ages received fuch
immenfe Benefits, that the Gratitude of their Admi-
rers placed the Origine in Heaven, among thofe of
Hercules, Thefeus, Perfeus, and other great Deſervers
of Mankind. But Heroic Virtue itſelf hath not been
exempt from the Obloquy of evil Tongues. For it
hath been objected, that thoſe antient Heroes, famous
for their Combating fo many Giants, and Dragons,
and Robbers, were in their own Perfons a greater
Nuiſance to Mankind, than any of thoſe Monflers
they fubdued; and therefore, to render their Obliga-
tions more compleat, when all other Vermin were
deſtroyed, ſhould in Conſcience have concluded with
the fame Juftice upon themſelves. Hercules moft ge-
nerouſly did, and hath, upon that Score, procured to
himſelf more Temples and Votaries than the best of
his
concerning Critics
55
his Fellows. For thefe Reaſons, I fuppofe, it is,
why ſome have conceived, it would be very expedi-
ent for the Public Good of Learning, that every True
Critic, as foon as he had finiſhed his Task affigned,
ſhould immediately deliver himſelf up to Ratfbane, or
Hemp, or from fome convenient Altitude; and that
no Man's Pretenfions to fo illuftrious a Character,
fhould by any means be received, before that Opera-
tion were performed.
Now, from this Heavenly Defcent of Criticism,
and the cloſe Analogy it bears to Heroic Virtue, it is
eafy to affign the proper Employment of a true An-
tient Genuine Critic; which is, to travel thro' this
vaft World of Writings; to purfue and hunt thoſe
monftrous Faults bred within them; to drag out the
lurking Errors, like Cacus from his Den; to multi-
ply them like Hydra's Heads; and rake them toge-
ther like Augea's Dung: Or elfe drive away a Sort
of Dangerous Fowl, who have a perverfe Inclination
to plunder the beſt Branches of the Tree of Know-
ledge, like thofe Stymphalian Birds that eat up the
Fruit.
THESE Reaſonings will furnish us with an adequate
Definition of a true Critic; that, He is Difcoverer
and Collector of Writers Faults; which may be far-
ther put beyond Difpute by the following Demonftra-
tion: That whoever will examine the Writings in all
Kinds, wherewith this antient Sect has honoured the
World, fhall immediately find, from the whole Thread
and Tenour of them, that the Ideas of the Authors
have been altogether converfant, and taken up with
the Faults and Blemishes, and Overfights, and Mif-
takes of other Writers; and, let the Subject treated
on be whatever it will, their Imaginations are fo in-
tirely poffeffed and replete with the Defects of other
Pens,
56
A Digreffion
Pens, that the very Quinteffence of what is bad, does
of neceffity diftil into their own; by which means,
the Whole appears to be nothing elſe but an Abſtract
of the Criticiſms themſelves have made.
HAVING thus briefly confidered the Original and
Office of a Critic, as the Word is understood in its
moſt noble and univerfal Acceptation, I proceed to
refute the Objections of thoſe who argue from the Si-
lence and Pretermiffion of Authors; by which they
pretend to prove, that the very Art of Criticism, as
now exercifed, and by me explained, is wholly Mo-
dern; and confequently, that the Critics of Great-
Britain and France, have no Title to an Original fo
Antient and Illuftrious as I have deduced. Now, if
I can clearly make out on the contrary, that the
antient Writers have particulaly defcribed, both the
Perfon and the Office of a True Critic, agreeable
to the Definition laid down by me; their Grand Ob-
jeftion, from the Silence of Authors, will fall to the
Ground.
I CONFESS to have for a long Time born a Part in
this general Error; from which I fhould never have
acquitted myſelf, but thro' the Affiftance of our No-
ble Moderns; whofe moft edifying Volumes I turn in-
defatigably over Night and Day, for the Improve-
ment of my Mind, and the Good of my Country:
Theſe have with unwearied Pains made many uſeful
Searches into the weak Sides of the Antients, and gi-
ven us a comprehenfive Lift of them. * Befides, they
have proved beyond Contradiction, that the very fineft
Things delivered of old, have been long fince invent-
ed, and brought to Light by much later Pens; and
that the nc bleit Difcoveries thofe Antients ever made,
* See Wotton of Antient and Modern Learning.
of
concerning Critics.
5.7
of Art or of Nature, have all been produced by the
tranſcending Genius of the preſent Age. Which clear-
ly fhews, how little Merit thoſe Antients can juftly
pretend to; and takes off that blind Admiration paid
them by Men in a Corner, who have the Unhappineſs
of converfing too little with prefent Things. Reflect-
ing maturely upon all this, and taking in the whole
Compafs of human Nature, I eafily concluded, that
theſe Antients, highly ſenſible of their many Imper-
fections, muft needs have endeavoured from fome
Paffages in their Works, to obviate, foften, or di-
vert the Cenforious Reader, by Satyr, or Panegyric
upon the Critics, in Imitation of their Mafters, the
Moderns. Now, in the Common-places of † both theſe,
I was plentifully inftructed, by a long Caurfe of ufe-
ful Study in Prefaces and Prologues; and therefore im-
mediately reſolved to try what I could diſcover of ei-
ther, by a diligent Perufal of the moſt antient Writers,
and especially thoſe who treated of the earliest Times.
Here I found to my great Surprize, that although
they all entered, upon Occafion, into particular De-
ſcriptions of the True Critic, according as they were
governed by their Fears or their Hopes; yet whatever
they touched of that Kind, was with abundance of
Caution, adventuring no farther than Mythology and
Hieroglyphic. This, I fuppofe, gave Ground to fu-
perficial Readers, for urging the Silence of Authors,
againſt the Antiquity of the True Critic, though the
Types are ſo appofite, and the Applications fo neceffary
and natural, that it is not eafy to conceive, how any
Reader of a Modern Eye and Taffe could overlook
them. I ſhall venture from a great Number to pro-
duce a few, which, I am very confident, will put this
Queftion beyond Difpute.
+ Satyr, and Panegyric upon Critics.
Ir
58
A Digreffion
IT well deſerves confidering, that theſe Antient
Writers, in treating Enigmatically upon the Subject,
have generally fixed upon the very fame Hieroglyph,
varying only the Story, according to their Affections,
or their Wit. For, firft; Paufanias is of Opinion, that
the Perfection of Writing correct, was intirely owing
to the Inftitution of Critics; and, that he can poffibly
mean no other than the True Critic, is, I think, ma-
nifeſt enough, from the following Defcription. He
fays, They were a Race of Men, who delighted to nib-
ble at the Superfluities, and Excrefcencies of Books;
which the Learned at length obferving, took Warning
of their own Accord, to lop the Luxuriant, the Rotten,
the Dead, the Saplefs, and the Overgrown Branches
from their Works. But now, all this he cunningly
fhades under the following Allegory; that the *
Nauplians in Argia, learned the Art of Pruning their
Vines, by obferving, that, when an ASS had browſed
upon one of them, it thrived the better, and bore fairer
Fruit. But Herodotus, holding the very fame
Hieroglyph, fpeaks much plainer, and almoſt in ter-
minis. He hath been fo bold as to tax the True Cri-
tics, of Ignorance and Malice; telling us openly, for
I think nothing can be plainer, than in the western
Part of Libya, there were ASSES with HORNS:
Upon which Relation Ctefias yet refines, mention-
ing the very fame Animal about India, adding, That,
whereas all other ASSES wanted a Gall, thefe
horned ones were fo redundant in that Part, that their
Flesh was not to be eaten, becauſe of its extreme Bitter-
nefs.
*
* Lib.
+ Lib. 4.
‡ Vide excerpta ex eo apud Photium.
No
concerning Critics.
59
Now, the Reaſon why thofe ancient Writers
treated this Subject only by Types and Figures, was,
becauſe they durft not make open Attacks againft a
Party fo potent and terrible, as the Critics of thofe
Ages were; whofe very Voice was fo dreadful, that a
Legion of Authors would tremble, and drop their Pens
at the Sound; for fo Herodotus tells us exprefly in a-
nother Place, how a vaft Army of Scythians was
put to Flight in a Panic Terror, by the Braying of an
ASS. From hence it is conjectured by certain pro-
found Philologers, that the great Awe and Reverence
paid to a True Critic, by the Writers of Britain, have
been derived to Us, from thoſe our Scythian Anceſtors.
In fhort, this Dread was fo univerſal, that in Proceſs
of Time, thofe Authors who had a Mind to publiſh
their Sentiments more freely, in defcribing the True
Critics of their ſeveral Ages, were forced to leave off
the Ufe of the former Hieroglyph, as too nearly ap-
proaching the Prototype, and invented other Terms
inſtead thereof, that were more cautious and myſtical:
So + Diodorus, fpeaking to the fame Purpoſe, ven-
tures no farther, than to fay, That in the Mountains
of Helicon, there grows a certain Weed, which bears
a Flower of fo damned a Scent, as to poison thoſe who
offer to fmell it. Lucretius gives exactly the fame Re-
lation.
‡ Eft etiam in magnis Heliconis montibus arbos,
Floris odore hominem retro confueta necare. Lib. 6.
BUT Ctefias, whom we lately quoted, hath been a
+ Lib.
* Lib. 4.
‡ Near Helicon, and round the Learned Hill,
Grow Trees, whofe Blooms with their Odour kill.
G
great
60
A Digreſſion
great deal bolder; he had been uſed with much Se-
verity by the True Critics of his own Age, and there-
fore could not forbear to leave behind him, at leaſt,
one deep Mark of his Vengeance againſt the whole
Tribe. His Meaning is fo near the Surface, that I
wonder how it poffibly came to be overlooked, by
thoſe who deny the Antiquity of True Critics. For
pretending to make a Deſcription of many ftrange A-
nimals about India, he hath fet down theſe remark-
able Words: Amongst the reft, fays he, there is a Ser-
pent that wants Teeth, and confequently cannot bite ;
but if its Vomit (to which it is much addicted) happens
to fall upon any Thing, a certain Rottennefs or Corrup-
tion enfues: Thefe Serpents are generally found among
the Mountains where jewels grow, and they frequently
emit a poisonous Juice; whereof, whoever drinks, that
Perfon's Brains fly out of his Noftrils.
THERE was alſo among the Antients a Sort of Cri-
tic, not diftinguiſhed in Specie from the former, but
in Growth or Degree, who ſeem to have been only
the Tyro's or junior Scholars; yet, becauſe of their
differing Employments, they are frequently mention-
ed as a Sect by themselves. The ufual Exerciſe of
theſe younger Students, was to attend conſtantly at
Theatres, and learn to ſpy out the worft Parts of the
Play, whereof they were obliged carefully to take
Note, and render a rational Account to their Tutors.
Fleſhed at theſe ſmaller Sports, like young Wolves,
they grew up in Time, to be nimble and ftrong enough
for hunting down large Game. For it hath been ob
ferved, both among Antients and Moderns, that a
True Critic hath one Quality in common with a Whore
and an Alderman, never to change his Title or his
Nature; that a Grey Critic has been certainly a Green
one, the Perfections and Acquirements of his Age be-
ing only the improved Talents of his Youth; like
Hemp,
concerning Critics.
61
Hemp, which, fome Naturalifts inform us, is bad for
Suffocations, tho' taken but in the Seed. I efteem the
Invention, or at leaſt the Refinement of Prologues, to
have been owing to theſe younger Proficients, of
whom Terence makes frequent and honourable Men-
tion, under the Name of Malevoli.
Now, 'tis certain, the Inftitution of the True Cri-
tics, was of abfolute Neceffity to the Commonwealth
of Learning. For all human Actions feem to be di-
vided, like Themistocles and his Company; one Man
can Fiddle, and another can make a ſmall Tovin a
great City; and he, that cannot do either one or the
other, deferves to be kicked out of the Creation.
The avoiding of which Penalty, has doubtless given
the first Birth to the Nation of Critics, and, withal,
an Occafion for their fecret Detractors to report,
that a True Critic is a Sort of Mechanic, ſet up with
a Stock and Tools for his Trade, at as little Expence
as a Taylor; and that there is much Analogy between
the Utenfils and Abilities of both: That the Taylor's
Hell is the Type of a Critic's Common-Place-Book,
and his Wit and Learning held forth by the Goofe:
That it requires at leaſt as many of thefe, to the
making up of one Scholar, as of the others to the
Compofition of a Man: That the Valour of both is
equal, and their Weapons near of a Size. Much may
be faid in Anſwer to thoſe invidious Reflections; and
I can pofitively affirm the firft to be a Falfhood:
For, on the contrary, nothing is more certain, than
that it requires greater Layings out, to be free of the
Critic's
's Company, than of any other you can name.
For, as to be a true Beggar, it will coft the richeſt
Candidate every Groat he is worth; fo, before one
can commence a True Critic, it will coft a Man all
the good Qualities of his Mind; which, perhaps, for
G 2
a lefs
62
A Digreffion
a leſs Purchaſe, would be thought but an indifferent
Bargain.
HAVING thus amply proved the Antiquity of Cri-
ticiſm, and defcribed the Primitive State of it; F
fhall now examine the prefent Condition of this Em-
pire, and fhew how well it agrees with its antient ſelf.
A certain Author, whoſe Works have many Ages
fince been intirely loft, does, in his fifth Book, and
eighth Chapter, fay of Critics, that their Writings
are the Mirrors of Learning. This I underſtand in a
literal Senfe, and fuppofe our Author muff mean,
that whoever defigns to be a perfect Writer, muſt in-
fpect into the Books of Critics, and correct his In-
vention there, as in a Mirror. Now, whoever con-
fiders, that the Mirrors of the Antients were made
of Brass and fine Mercurio, raay preſently apply the
two principal Qualifications of a True Modern Critic,
and confequently, muft needs conclude, that thefe
have always been, and must be for ever the fame.
For, Brafs is an Emblem of Duration, and, when it
is fkilfully burniſhed, will caft Reflections from its
own Superficies, without any Affiſtance of Mercury
from behind. All the other Talents of a Critic will
not require a particular Mention, being included, or
eafily deducible to thefe. However, I fhall conclude
with three Maxims, which may ſerve both as Cha-
racteriſtics to diſtinguiſh a True Modern Critic from
a Pretender, and will be alfo of admirable Uſe to
thoſe worthy Spirits, who engage in ſo uſeful and
honourable an Art.
THE firft is, That Criticifin, contrary to all other
Faculties of the Intellect, is ever held the trueft and
† A Quotation after the Manner of a great Author.
Kide Bentley's Differtation, &c.
beft,
concerning Critics.
63
beft, when it is the very firſt Reſult of the Critic's
Mind: As Fowlers reckon the firft Aim for the fureft,
and feldom fail of miffing the Mark, if they ftay not
for a fecond.
:
SECONDLY, The True Critics are known by their
Talent of ſwarming about the nobleft Writers, to
which they are carried meerly by Inftinct, as a Rat
to the beſt Cheeſe, or a Waſp to the faireft Fruit.
So, when the King is on Horſeback, he is fure to be
the dirtieft Perſon of the Company; and they that
make their Court beft, are fuch to befpatter him
moft.
LASTLY, A True Critic, in the Perufal of a Book,
is like a Dog at a Feaft, whoſe Thoughts and Sto-
mach are wholly fet upon what Gueſts fling away,
and, confequently, is apt to Snarl moft, when there
are the feweft Bones.
THUS much, I think, is fufficient to ferve by
Way of Addreſs to my Patrons, the True Modern Cri-
tics, and may very well atone for my paft Silence,
as well as That which I am like to obferve for the
future. I hope I have deſerved fo well of their whole
Body, as to meet with generous and tender Ufage
from their Hands. Supported by which Expectati-
on, I go on boldly to purſue thofe Adventures al-
ready fo happily begun.
G3
SECT.
64
ATALE
I
SECT. IV.
A TALE of a TU B.
HAVE now with much Pains and Study con-
ducted the Reader to a Period, where he muſt
expect to hear of great Revolutions. For no foon-
er had our Learned Brother, ſo often mentioned, got
a warm Houſe of his own over his Head, than he be-
gan to look big, and take mightily upon him; info-
much that, unlefs the Gentle Reader, out of his great
Candour, will pleaſe a little to exalt his Idea, I am
afraid he will henceforth hardly know the Hero of
the Play, when he happens to meet him; his Part,
his Dreſs, and his Mien being ſo much altered.
He told his Brothers, he would have them to know
that he was their Elder, and confequently his Fathers
fole Heir; nay, a while after, he would not allow
them to call him Brother, but Mr. PETER; and
then he muſt be ftyled Father Peter; and ſometimes,
My Lord PETER. To fupport this Grandeur, which
he foon began to confider, could not be maintained
without a better Fonde than what he was born to; af-
ter much Thought, he caft about at laſt to turn Pro-
jedor and Virtuofo, wherein he fo well fucceeded,
that many famous Diſcoveries, Projects and Machines
which bear great Vogue and Practice at preſent in
the World, are owing intirely to Lord PETER's In-
vention. I will deduce the beſt Account I have been
able to collect of the Chief amongst them, without
confidering much the Order they came out in; be-
cauſe, I think, Authors are not well agreed as to
that Point.
I HOPE,
of a TUB.
65
I HOPE, when this Treatife of mine ſhall be tranf-
lated into Foreign Languages (as I may without Va-
nity affirm, That the Labour of collecting, the Faith-
fulneſs in recounting, and the great Uſefulneſs of the
Matter to the Public, will amply deſerve that Juftice)
that the worthy Members of the ſeveral Academies
abroad, eſpecially thofe of France and Italy, will fa-
vourably accept thefe humble Offers, for the Ad-
vancement of Univerfal Knowledge. I do alfo ad-
vertiſe the moſt Reverend Fathers the Eaſtern Miſſio-
naries, that I have, purely for their Sakes, made uſe
of fuch Words and Phraſes, as will beft admit an ea-
fy Turn into any of the Oriental Languages, efpeci-
ally the Chineſe. And fo I proceed with great Con-
tent of Mind, upon reflecting, how much Emolument
this whole Globe of Earth is like to reap by my
Labours.
THE firft Undertaking of Lord Peter, was to pur-
chaſe a * Large Continent, lately faid to have been
diſcovered in Terra Auftralis incognita. This Tract
of Land be bought at a very great Penny-worth from
the Diſcoverers themſelves (tho' fome pretended to
doubt whether they had ever been there) and then re-
tailed it into ſeveral Cantons to certain Dealers, who
carried over Colonies, but were all fhipwrecked in
the Voyage. Upon which, Lord Peter fold the faid
Continent to other Cuftomers again, and again, and
again, and again, with the fame Succefs.
THE fecond Project I fhall mention, was his +
Sovereign Remedy for the Worms, eſpecially thofe in
the
* That is Purgatory.
+ Penance and Abfolution are plaid upon under the
Notion of a Sovereign Remedy for the Worms, efpe-
G 4
cially
65
ATALE
the Spleen. The Patient was to eat nothing after
Supper for three Nights: As foon as he went to Bed,
he was carefully to lie on one Side, and when he
grew weary, to turn upon the other: He muft alfo
duly confine his two Eyes to the fame Object; and
by no means break Wind at both Ends together,
without manifeft Occafion. Theſe Preſcriptions di-
ligently obferved, the Worms would void infenfibly
by Perfpiration, afcending thro' the Brain.
A THIRD Invention, was the Erecting of a || Whif-
pering Office, for the Public Good, and Eafe of all
fuch as are Hypochondriacal, or troubled with the
Cholic; as Midwives, fmall Politicians, Friends fal-
Jen out, Repeating Poets, Lovers Happy or in De-
fpair, Bawds, Privy-Counſellors, Pages, Parafites and
Buffoons: In fhort, of all fuch as are in Danger of
bursting with too much Wind. An Afs's Head was
placed fo conveniently, that the Party affected might
eafily with his Mouth accoft either of the Animal's
Ears; which he was to apply clofe for a certain Space,
and by a fugitive Faculty, peculiar to the Ears of that
Animal, receive immediate Benefit, either by Eructa-
tion, or Expiration, or Evomition.
cially in the Spleen, which by obferving Peter's Pre-
fcription, would void infenfibly by Perfpiration, afcend-
ing thro' the Brain, &c. W. Wotton.
Here the Author ridicules the Penances of the
Church of Rome, which may be made as easy to the
Sinner as he pleafes, provided he will pay for them
accordingly.
By his Whispering Office, for the Relief of Eves-
droppers, Phyficians, Barwds, and Privy Counsellors,
be ridicules Auicular Confeffion; and the Priest who
takes it, is defcribed by the Afs's Head. W. Wotton.
ANO-
of a TUB.
67
*
ANOTHER very beneficial Project of Lord Peter's,
was an Office of Infurance, for Tobacco-Pipes, Mar-
tyrs of the Modern Zeal; Volumes of Poetry, Sha-
dows,
and Rivers: That theſe,
nor any of thefe, fhall receive Damage by Fire.
From whence our Friendly Societies may plainly find
themſelves to be only Tranſcribers from this Origi-
nal; tho' the one and the other have been of great
Benefit to the Undertakers, as well as of equal to the
Public.
LORD PETER was alſo held the Original Author
of + Puppets and Raree-Shows; the great Uſefulneſs
whereof being fo generally known, I fhall not en-
large farther upon this Particular,
BUT, another Diſcovery for which he was much
renowned, was his famous Univerfal† Pickle. For
having remarked how your || common Pickle, in uſe
among Houfwives, was of no farther Benefit than to
preſerve dead Fleſh, and certain Kinds of Vegetables;
Peter, with great Coft as well as Art, had contrived
a Pickle proper for Houſes, Gardens, Towns, Men,
Women, Children, and Cattle; wherein he could
* This I take to be the Office of Indulgences, the
grofs Abuſes whereof firft gave Occafion for the Refor-
mation.
+ I believe are the Monkeries and ridiculous Procef-
fions, &c. among the Papifts.
Holy Water, he calls an Univerfal Pickle, to
preferve Houfes, Gardens, Towns, Men, Women, Chil-
dren, and Cattle, wherein he could preferve them as
found as Infects in Amber. W. Wotton.
This is eafily understood to be Holy Water, compofed
of the fame Ingredients with many other Pickles.
pre-
68
ATALE
preferve them as found as Infects in Amber. Now,
this Pickle to the Taite, the Smell, and the Sight ap-
peared exactly the fame, with what is in common
Service for Beef, and Butter, and Herrings (and has
been often that way applied with great Succeſs) but
for its many Sovereign Virtues was a quite different
Thing. For Peter would put in a certain Quantity of
his * Powder Pimperlimpimp, after which it never
failed of Succeſs. The Operation was performed by
Spargefaction in a proper Time of the Moon. The
Patient who was to be pickled, if it were a Houſe,
would infallibly be preferved from all Spiders, Rats
and Weazels; if the Party affected were a Dog, he
ſhould be exempt from Mange, and Madness, and
Hunger. It also infallibly took away all Scabs and
Lice, and fcalled Heads from Children, never hinder-
ing the Patient from any Duty, either at Bed or Board.
BUT of all Peter's Rarities, he moſt valued a cer-
tain Set of † Bulls, whofe Race, was by great For-
tune preſerved in a lineal Defcent from thoſe that
guarded the Golden-Fleece. Tho' ſome who pretended
to obſerve them curiouſly, doubted the Breed had not
* And becaufe Holy Water differs only in Confecra-
tion from common Water, therefore he tells us that his
Pickle by the Powder of Pimperlimpimp receives new
Virtues, though it differs not in Sight nor Smell from
the common Pickles, which preſerve Beef, and Butter,
and Herrings. W. Wotton.
+ The Papal Bulls are ridiculed by Name, ſo that
bere we are at no loſs for the Author's Meaning. W.
Wotton.
Ibid. Here the Author has kept the Name, and means
the Pope's Bulls, or rather his Fulminations, and Ex-
communications of Heretical Princes, all figned with
Lead and the Seal of the Fisherman.
been
of a TU B.
69
been kept intirely chafte; becauſe they had degene-
rated from their Anceſtors in fome Qualities, and had
acquired others very extraordinary, but a Foreign
Mixture. The Bulls of Colchos are recorded to have
brazen Feet; but whether it happened by ill Paſture
and Running, by an Allay from Intervention of other
Parents, from ſtolen Intrigues: Whether a Weakneſs
in their Progenitors had impaired the feminal Virtue,
or by a Decline neceffary through a long Courfe of
Time, the Originals of Nature being depraved in
theſe latter finful Ages of the World: Whatever was
the Cauſe, 'tis certain, that Lord Peter's Bulls were
extremely vitiated by the Ruſt of Time in the Metal
of their Feet, which was now funk into common Lead.
However, the terrible Roaring, peculiar to their
Lineage, was preſerved; as likewife that Faculty of
breathing out Fire from their Naftrils; which, not-
withſtanding, many of their Detractors took to be a
Feat of Art, to be nothing fo terrible as it appeared;
proceeding only from their uſual Courfe of Diet,
which was of Squibs and Crackers. However, they
had two peculiar Marks which extremely diſtinguiſh-
ed them from the Bulls of Jafon, and which I have
not met together in the Deſcription of any other
Monſter, befide that in Horace:
*
Varias inducere plumas ;
and
Atrum definit in pifcem.
For, thefe had Fishes Tails, yet, upon Occafion, could
out-fly any Bird in the Air. Peter put thefe Bulls up-
* Thefe are the Fulminations of the Pope, threaten-
ing Hell and Damnation to thoſe Princes who offend him.
on
70
A TALE
on feveral Employs. Sometimes he would fet them
a roaring, to fright ‡ Naughty Boys, and make them
quiet. Sometimes he would fend them out upon Er-
rands of great Importance; where it is wonderful to
recount, and perhaps the cautious Reader may think
much to believe it: An Appetitus fenfibilis, deriving
itſelf thro' the whole Family, from their noble An-
ceſtors, Guardians of the Golden-Fleece; they conti-
nued fo extremely fond of Gold, that if Peter fent
them abroad, tho' it were only upon a Compliment,
they would Roar, and Spit, and Belch, and Pifs, and
Fart, and Snivel out Fire, and keep a perpetual Coyl,
till you flung them a Bit of Gold; but then, Pulveris
exigui jau, they would grow calm and quiet as Lambs.
In short, whether by fecret Connivance, or Encou-
ragement from their Maſter, or out of their own li-
quoriſh Affection to Gold, or both; it is certain they
were no better than a Sort of ſturdy, fwaggering Beg-
gars; and, where they could not prevail to get an
Alms, would make Women miſcarry, and Children
fall into Fits; who, to this very Day, ufually call
Sprights and Hobgoblins by the Name of Bull-Beg-
gars. They grew, at laſt, ſo very troubleſome to
the Neighbourhood, that fome Gentlemen of the
North-Weft, got a Parcel of right English Bull-Dogs,
and baited them ſo terribly, that they felt it ever after.
I MUST needs mention one more of Lord Peter's
Projects, which was very extraordinary, and difco-
vered him to be Mafter of a high Reach, and profound
Invention. Whenever it happened that any Rogue
of Newgate was condemned to be hanged, Peter
would offer him a Pardon for a certain Sum of Mo-
ney, which, when the poor Caitiff had made all Shifts
‡ That is, Kings who incur his Difpleasure.
to
of a TUB.
71
to ſcrape up, and fend; His Lordship would return
a † Piece of Paper in this Form.
TO all Mayors, Sheriffs, Jaylors, Conftables, Bay-
liffs, Hangmen, &c. Whereas we are informed,
that A. B. remains in the Hands of you, or any of you,
under the Sentence of Death. We will and command
you upon Sight hereof, to let the faid Priſoner depart to
his own Habitation, whether he ftands condemned for
Murder, Sodomy, Rape, Sacrilege, Inceft, Treafon,
Blafphemy, &c. for which, this fhall be your fufficient
Warrant: And if you fail hereof, G-d-mn You and
Yours to all Eternity. And fo we bid you heartily fare-
wel.
Your moft Humble
Man's Man,
Emperor PETER.
THE Wretches, trufting to this, loft their Lives
and Money too.
I DESIRE of thoſe, whom the Learned among Pofte-
rity will appoint for Commentators upon this elabo-
rate Treatife; that they will proceed with great Cau-
tion upon certain dark Points, wherein all who are
not Verè adepti, may be in Danger to form raſh and
hafty Conclufions, eſpecially in fome myfterious Pa-
+ This is a Copy of a general Pardon, figned Servos
Servorum.
Ibid. Abſolution in Articulo Mortis, and the Tax
Cameræ Apoftolicæ, are jefted upon in Emperor Peter's
Letter. W. Wotton.
ragraphs
72
ATALE
ragraphs, where certain Arcana are joined for Brevis
ty fake, which, in the Operation, muft be divided.
And, I am certain, that future Sons of Art will re-
turn large Thanks to my Memory, for fo greatful,
fo uſeful an Innuendo.
tor.
IT will be no difficult Part to perfuade the Reader,
that fo many worthy Diſcoveries met with great Suc-
ceſs in the World; tho' I may juftly affure him, that
I have related much the ſmalleſt Number; my De-
fign having been only to fingle out fuch as will be of
moft Benefit for public Imitation, or which beft ferved
to give ſome Idea of the Reach and Wit of the Inven-
And therefore it need not be wondered, if, by
this Time, Lord Peter was become exceeding Rich:
But, alas! he had kept his Brains ſo long, and ſo vi-
olently upon the Rack, that at laft it hook itſelf, and
began to turn round for a little Eaſe. In fhort, what
with Pride, Projects, and Knavery, poor Peter was
grown diftracted, and conceived the ſtrangeſt Imagi-
nations in the World. In the Height of his Fits
(as it is ufual with thoſe who run mad out of Pride)
he would call himſelf * God Almighty, and fome-
times Monarch of the Universe. I have ſeen him
(fays my Author) take three old † high-crowned
Hats, and clap them all on his Head, three Sto-
ry high, with a huge Bunch of ‡ Keys at his Girdle,
and an Angling-Rod in his Hand. In which Guife,
whoever went to take him by the Hand, in the
* The Pope is not only allowed to be the Vicar of
Chrift, but by feveral Divines is called God upon
Earth, and other blafphemous Titles.
+ The Triple Crown.
The Keys of the Church.
Ibid. The Pope's Univerfal Monarchy, and his Tri-
ple Crown, and Fisher's Ring. W. Wotton.
Way
of a TU B.
73
Way of Salutation, Peter, with much Grace, like a
well-educated Spaniel, would preſent them with his
*Foot; and if they refuſed his Civility, then he would
raiſe it as high as their Chops, and give them a damn’d
Kick on the Mouth, which hath ever fince been call'd
Salute. Whoever walked by, without paying him
their Compliments, having a wonderful ſtrong Breath,
he would blow their Hats off into the Dirt. Mean
time, his Affairs at home went upfide down, and his
two Brothers had a wretched Time; where his firft
† Boutade was to kick both their ‡ Wives one Morn-
ing out of Doors, and his own two; and in their Stead,
gave Orders to pick up the firft three Strolers could
be met with in the Streets. A while after, he nailed
up the Cellar-Door; and would not allow his Bro-
thers || a Drop of Drink to their Victuals. Dining one
Day at an Alderman's in the City, Peter obſerved
him expatiating after the Manner of his Brethren, in
the Praifes of his Sirloin of Beef. Beef, ſaid the
fage Magiſtrate, is the King of Meat; Beef compre-
bends in it the Quinteffence of Partridge, and Quail,
and Venison, and Pheasant, and Plum-pudding, and
Cuſtard. When Peter came home, he would needs
take the Fancy of cooking up this Doctrine into Uſe.
* Neither does his arrogant Way of requiring Men to
kifs his Slipper, efcape Reflection. Wotton.
+ This Word properly fignifies a fudden Jerk, or
Lafb of an Horſe, when you do not expect it.
The Celibacy of the Romish Clergy is Aruck at
in Peter's beating his own and Brothers Wives out of
Doors. W. Wotton.
The Pope's refufing the Cup to the Laity, perfuad-
ing them that the Blood is contained in the Bread, and
that the Bread is the real and intire Body of Christ.
and
74
A TALE
*
and apply the Precept, in default of a Sirloin, to his
brown Loaf: Bread, fays he, Dear Brothers, is the
Staff of Life; in which Bread, is contained, inclufive
the Quinteffence of Beef, Mutton, Veal, Venifon, Par-
tridge, Plum-pudding, and Cuftard: And to render all
compleat, there is intermingled a due Quantity of Wa-
ter, whofe Crudities are alſo corrected by Yeaft or Barm,
through which means it becomes a whole fome fermented
Liquor, diffus'd through the Maſs of the Bread. Upon
the Strength of theſe Conclufions, next Day at Din-
ner, was the brown Loaf ſerved up in all the Forma-
lity of a City Feaſt. Come Brothers, faid Peter, fall
to, and spare not; here is excellent good Mutton;
or bold, now my Hand is in, I'll help you. At which
Word, in much Ceremony, with Fork and Knife, he
carves out two good Slices of a Loaf, and prefents
each on a Plate to his Brothers. The Elder of the
two, not fuddenly entering into Lord Peter's Conceit,
began with very civil Language to examine the Myſte-
ry. My Lord, faid he, I doubt, with great Submiffion,
there may be ſome Miftake. What, fays Peter, you
are pleaſant; come then, let us hear this Feft your
Head is fo big with. None in the World, my Lord;
but, unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was
pleafed a while ago, to let fall a Word about Mutton,
and I would be glad to fee it with all my Heart.
How, faid Peter, appearing in great Surprize, I do
not comprehend this at all. Upon which, the
Younger interpofing, to fet the Bufinefs aright; My
Lord, faid he, my Brother, I fuppofe is hungry, and
* Tranſubſtantiation. Peter turns his Bread into
Mutton, and, according to the Popish Doctrine of Conco-
mitants, bis Wine too, which in his Way he calls Paum-
ing his damn'd Crafts upon the Brothers for Mutton.
WWotton.
longs
of a TUB.
75
藏
​longs for the Mutton your Lordship hath promiſed us to
Dinner. Pray, faid Peter, take me along with you;
either you are both mad, or difpofed to be merrier than
I approve of; if You, there, do not like your Piece,
I will carve you another, though I should take that to
be the choice Bit of the whole Shoulder. What then,
my Lord, replied the first, it feems this is a Shoulder of
Mutton all this while. Pray, Sir, fays Peter, eat your
Victuals, and leave off your Impertinence, if you please,
for I am not difpofed to relifh it at prefent: But the o-
ther could not forbear, being over provoked at the af-
fected Seriouſneſs of Peter's Countenance: By G
my Lord, faid he, I can only fay, that to my Eyes, and
Fingers, and Teeth, and Nofe, it feems to be nothing but
a Cruft of Bread. Upon which, the fecond put in his
Word: 1 never faw a Piece of Mutton in my Life, fo
nearly refembling a Slice from a Twelve penny Loaf.
Look, ye, Gentlemen, cries Peter, in a Rage, to convince
you, what a couple of blind, pofitive, ignorant, wilful
Puppies you are, Iwill ufe but this plain Argument; By
G―, it is true, good, natural Mutton as any in Leaden-
hall Market; and G- confound you both eternally, if
you offer to believe otherwife. Such a thundering Proof
as this, left no further Room for Objection; the two
Unbelievers began to gather and packet up their Mif-
take as haftily as they could. Why, truly, faid the
Firſt, upon more mature Confideration- Ay, fays the o-
ther, interrupting him, now I bave thought better on
the Thing, your Lordship feems to have a great deal of
Reafon. Very well, faid Peter; Here, Boy, fill me a
Beer-glass of Claret; Here's to you both with all my
Heart. The two Brethren, much delighted to fee
him fo readily appeas'd, returned their most humble
Thanks, and faid, they would be glad to pledge his
Lordship. That you shall, faid Peter; I am not a Per-
fon to refuſe you any Thing that is reafonable; Wine,
H
moderately
76
ATALE
moderately taken, is a Cordial; here is a Glafs a-piece
For you; it is true natural Juice from the Grape, none
of your damn'd Vintners Brewings. Having fpoke
thus, he prefented to each of them another large dry
Cruft, bidding them drink it off, and not be bafhful,
for it would do them no Hurt. The two Brothers,
after having performed the ufual Office in fuch deli-
cate Conjunctures, of ftaring a fufficient Period at
Lord Peter, and each other; and finding how Mat-
ters were like to go, refolved not to enter on a new
Difpute, but let him carry the Point as he pleaſed:
For he was now got into one of his mad Fits, and to
argue or expoftulate further, would only ſerve to ren-
der him a hundred Times more untra&table.
*
I HAVE chofen to relate this worthy Matter in all
its Circumſtances, becauſe it gave a principal Occa-
fion to that great and famous Rupture, which hap-
pened about the fame Time among theſe Brethren,
and was never afterwards made up. But of That, I
fhall treat at large in another Section.
HOWEVER, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in
his lucid Intervals, was very lewdly given in his com-
mon Converfation, extreme wilful and pofitive, and
would at any Time rather argue to the Death, than
allow himſelf once to be in an Error. Befides, he
had an abominable Faculty of telling huge palpable
Lye's upon all Occafions; and fwearing, not only to
the Truth, but curfing the whole Company to Hell,
if they pretended to make the leaf Scruple of be-
lieving him. One Time, he fwore he bad at Cow at
By this Rupture is meant the Reformation.
+ The ridiculous multiplying of the Virgin Mary's
Milk, among ft the Papifs, under the Allegory of a Cow,
which gave as much Alk at a Meal, as would fill
three thouſand Churches. W. Wotton,
home,
of a TUB.
77
*
home, which gave as much Milk at a Meal, as would
fill three thouſand Churches; and what was yet more
extraordinary, would never turn four. Another Time
he was telling of an old Sign-Poft that belonged to
his Father, with Nails and Timber enough on it, to
build fixteen large Men of War. Talking one Day
of Chinese Waggons, which were made fo light as to
fail over Mountains: Zds, faid Peter, where's the
Wonder of that? By G-, I saw a + large House of
Lime and Stone travel over Sea and Land (granting
that it stopped fometimes to bait) above two Thousand
German Leagues. And that which was the good of it,
he would fwear defperately all the while, that he ne-
ver told a Lye in his Life; and at every Word; By
G-, Gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the Truth; and
the D-l broil them eternally that will not believe me.
IN fort, Peter grew fo fcandalous, that all the
Neighbourhood began in plain Words to fay, he was
no better than a Knave. And his two Brothers, long
weary of his ill Ufage, refolved at laft to leave him
but firft, they humbly defired a Copy of their Father's
By this Sign-Poft, is meant the Cross of our
bleſſed Saviour.
+ The Chapel of Loretto. He falls bere only apon
the ridiculous Inventions of Popery: The Church of
Rome intended by the fe Things, to gull filly, fuperfti-
tious People, and rook them of their Money; that the
World had been too long in Slavery, our Ancestors glo-
riouſly redeemed us from that Yoke. The Church ojar
Rome therefore ought to be expofed, and he deferves
well of Mankind that does expofe it. W. Wotton.
Ibid. The Chapel of Loretto, which travelled from
the Holy Land to Italy.
H 2
Will,
78
ATALE, &c.
帜
​Will, which had now lain by neglected, Time outof
Mind. Inſtead of granting this Requeſt, he called
them damn'd Sons of Whores, Rogues, Traytors, and
the reſt of the vile Names he could mufter up. How-
ever, while he was abroad one Day upon his Projects,
the two Youngsters watched their Opportunity, made
a Shift to come at the Will, * and took a Copia vera,
by which they preſently faw how grofly they had been
abuſed; their Father having left them equal Heirs,
and ftrictly commanded, that whatever they got,
fhould lie in common among them all. Purſuant to
which, their next Enterprize was to break open the
Cellar-Door, and get a little good + Drink, to fpirit
and Comfort their Hearts. In copying the Will,
they had met another Precept against Whoring, Di-
vorce, and ſeparate Maintenance; Upon which, their
next Work was to difcard their Concubines, and
fend for their Wives. Whilft all this was in Agi-
tation, there enters a Sollicitor from Newgate, defi-
ring Lord Peter would pleaſe to procure a Pardon for
a Thief that was to be hanged to-morrow.
But the
two Brothers told him, he was a Coxcomb, to ſeek
Pardons from a Fellow, who deferved to be hanged
much better than his Client; and difcovered all the
Method of that Impoſture, in the fame Form I de-
livered it a while ago; adviſing the Sollicitor to put
his Friend upon obtaining || a Pardon from the King.
In the Midft of all this Clutter and Revolution, in
* Tranflated the Scriptures into the Vulgar Tongues.
+ Adminiftered the Cup to the Laity at the Communion.
Allowed the Marriages of Priefts.
Directed Penitents not to trust to Pardons and
Abfolutions procared for Money, but fent them to im-
plore the Mercy of God, from whence alone Remiffion
is to be obtained.
comes
A Digreffion, &c.
79
comes Peter, with a File of Dragoons at his Heels,
and gathering from all Hands what was in the Wind,
he and his Gang, after ſeveral Millions of Scurrili-
ties and Curfes, not very important here to repeat,
by main Force, very fairly + kicks them both out
of Doors, and would never let them come under his
Roof from that Day to this.
* By Peter's Dragoons, is meant the Civil Power,
which thoſe Princes, who were bigotted to the Romiſh
Superftition, employed against the Reformers.
+ The Pope huts all who diffent from him out of the
Church.
W
SECT. V.
A Digreffion in the Modern Kind.
E whom the World is pleaſed to honour with
the Title of Modern Authors, ſhould never
have been able to compafs our great De-
fign of an everlafting Remembrance, and never-dying
Fame, if our Endeavours had not been fo highly fer-
viceable to the general Good of Mankind. This, O
Univerfe, is the adventurous Attempt of me thy Se-
cretary;
Quemvis perferre laborem
Suadet, & inducit noctes vigilare ferenas.
To this End, I have fome Time fince, with a
World of Pains and Art, diffected the Carcafs of Hu-
man Nature, and read many uſeful Lectures upon the
feveral Parts, both Containing and Contained; 'till at
laft it felt fo ftrong, I could preferve it no longer.
Upon which, I have been at a great Expence to fit up
H 3
all
80
A Digreffion
all the Bones with exact Contexture, and in due Sym-
metry; fo that I am ready to fhew a compleat Ana-
tomy thereof to all curious Gentlemen and others. But
not to digrefs farther in the Midst of a Digreffion, as
I have known fome Authors inclofe Digreffions in one
another, like a Neft of Boxes; I do affirm, that hav-
ing carefully cut up Human Nature, I have found a
very ſtrange, new, and important Discovery; That
the public Good of Mankind is performed by two
Ways, Inftruction and Diverfion. And I have far-
ther proved in my ſaid ſeveral Readings (which per-
haps the World may one Day fee, if I can prevail on
any Friend to ſteal a Copy, or on any certain Gentle-
man of my Admirers, to be very importunate) that,
as Mankind is now difpofed, he receives much greater
Advantage by being Diverted than Inftructed; His
Epidemical Diſeaſes being Faftidiofity, Amorphy, and
Ofcitation; whereas, in the prefent univerfal Empire
of Wit and Learning, there feems but little Matter
left for Inftruction. However, in Compliance with
a Leffon of great Age and Authority, I have Attempt-
ed carrying the Point in all its Heights; and accord-
ingly, throughout this divine Treatife, have ſkilfully
kneaded up both together with a Layer of Utile, and
a Layer of Dulce.
WHEN I Confider how exceedingly our illuftrious
Moderns have eclipfed the weak glimmering Lights
of the Antients, and turned them out of the Road of
all faſhionable Commerce, to a Degree, that our
choice * Town-Wits of moft refined Accompliſh-
*The learned Perfon, here meant by our Author, hath
been endeavouring to annihilate fo many ancient Wri-
ters, that, until he is pleaſed to flop his Hand, it will
be dangerous to affirm, whether there have been any
Antients in the World.
ments,
in the Modern Kind.
81
ments, are in grave Difpute, whether there have
been ever any Antients or no: In which Point we are
like to receive wonderful Satisfaction from the moſt
ufeful Labours and Lucubrations of that Worthy Mo-
dern, Dr. B-tley: I fay, when I confider all this,
I cannot but bewail, that no famous Modern have e-
ver yet attempted an univerfal Syftem in a fmall por-
table Volume, of all Things that are to be Known,
or Believed, or Imagined, or Practiſed in Life. Ï
am however forced to acknowledge, that fuch an En-
terprize was thought on fome Time ago by a great
Philofopher of O. Brazile. The Method he pro-
pofed, was, by a certain curious Receipt, a Noftrum,
which, after his untimely Death, I found among his
Papers; and do here, out of my great Affection to
the Modern Learned, preſent them with it, not doubt-
ing, it may one Day encourage fome worthy Un-
dertaker.
YOU take fair correct Copies, well bound in Calfs-
Skin, and Lettered at the Back, of all Modern Bodies
of Arts and Sciences whatſoever, and in what Lan-
guage you pleafe. Theſe you diftil in balneo Mariæ, in-
fufing Quinteffence of Poppy, Q. S. together with
three Pints of Lethe, to be bad from the Apothecaries.
You cleanſe away carefully the Sordes and Caput mor-
tuum, letting all that is volatile evaporate. You pre-
Serve only the firft Running, which is again to be diftill-
ed forventeen Times, till what remains will amount to
about two Drams. This you keep in a Glass-Vial Her-
metically fealed for one and twenty Days. Then you
*This is an imaginary Iſland, of Kin to that, which
is called the Painters Wives Ifland, placed in fome un-
known Part of the Ocean, meerly at the Fancy of the
Map-maker.
H 4
begin
82
A Digreſſion
begin your Catholick Treatife, taking every Morning
fafting (first shaking the Vial) three Drops of this E-
lixir, fnuffing it ftrongly up your Nofe. It will dilate
itfelf about the Brain (where there is any) in fourteen
Minutes, and you immediately perceive in your Head an
infinite Number of Abstracts, Summaries, Compendi-
um's, Extracts, Collections, Medulla's, Excerpta
quædam's, Florilegia's, and the like, all difpofed into
great Order, and reducible upon Paper.
I MUST needs own, it was by the Affiftance of this
Arcanum, that I, tho' otherwiſe impar, have adven-
tured upon fo daring an Attempt; never atchieved
or undertaken before, but by a certain Author cal-
led Home, in whom, tho' otherwife a Perfon hot
without fome Abilities, and for an Antient, of a to-
lerable Genius: I have diſcovered many groſs Errors,
which are not to be forgiven his very Aſhes, if by
chance any of them are left. For whereas we are
affured, he defigned his Work for a † compleat Bo-
dy of all Knowledge, Human, Divine, Political, and
Mechanic; it is manifeft, he hath wholly neglect-
ed fome, and been very imperfect in the reft. For,
first of all, as eminent a Cabbalift as his Difciples
would repreſent him, his Account of the Opus mag-
num is extremely poor and deficient; he ſeems to have
read, but very fuperficially, either Sendivogus, Beb-
men, or Anthropofophia Theomagica. He is alfo
‡
quite
+ Homerus omnes res humanas Poematis complexus eft.
Xenoph. in conviv.
A Treatife written about fifty Years ago, by a
Welsh Gentleman of Cambridge, his Name, as I re-
member was Vaughan, as appears by the Anfwer to it
writ by the learned Dr. Henry Moor; it is a Piece of
the
in the Modern Kind.
83
quite miſtaken about the Sphæra Pyroplaftica, a Neg
lect not to be attoned for; and (if the Reader will
admit ſo ſevere a Cenſure) Vix crederem Autorem
hunc unquam audiviffe ignis vocem. His Failings are
not lefs prominent in feveral Parts of the Mechanics.
For, having read his Writings with the utmoſt Ap-
plication ufual among Modern Wits, I could never
yet difcover the leaft Direction about the Structure of
that uſeful Inftrument, a Save-all. For want of
which, if the Moderns had not lent their Aſſiſtance,
we might yet have wandered in the dark. But I
have ftill behind, a Fault far more notorious to tax
the Author with; I mean, * his grofs Ignorance in
the Common Laws of this Realm, and in the Doctrine,
as well as Diſcipline of the Church of England. A
Defect indeed for which, both he and all the Anti-
ents ſtand moſt juſtly cenſured by my worthy and in-
genious Friend, Mr. W-tt-n, Batchelor of Divi-
nity, in his incomparable Treatife of Antient and Mo-
dern Learning; a Book never to be ſufficiently valued,
whether we confider the happy Turns and Flowings
of the Author's Wit, the great Uſefulneſs of his fub-
lime Diſcoveries upon the Subject of Flies and Spittle,
or the laborious Eloquence of his Stile. And I can-
not forbear doing that Author the Juftice of my pub-
lic Acknowledgments, for the great Helps and Lift-
ings I had out of his incomparable Piece, while I
was penning this Treatife.
the most unintelligible Fuftian, that, perhaps, was e-
ver published in any Language.
* Mr. W-tt-n (to whom our Author never gives
any Quarter) in his Comparison of Antient and Mo-
dern Learning, numbers Divinity, Law, &c. among
thofe Parts of Knowledge, wherein we excel the An-
tients.
BUT
84
A Digreſſion
BUT, befides thefe Omiffions in Homer, already
mentioned, the curious Reader will alſo obſerve ſeve-
ral Defects in that Author's Writings, for which he
is not altogether fo accountable. For whereas every
Branch of Knowledge has received fuch wonderful
Acquirements fince his Age, eſpecially within thefe
Jaft three Years, or thereabouts; it is almoft impof-
fible, he could be ſo very prefect in Modern Diſcove-
ries, as his Advocates pretend. We freely acknow-
ledge Him to be the Inventor of the Compass, of Gun-
Powder, and the Circulation of the Blood: But, I
challenge any of his Admirers, to fhew me, in all his
Writings, a compleat Account of the Spleen; does he
not alſo leave us wholly to feek in the Art of Politi-
cal Wagering? What can be more defective and un-
fatisfactory than his long Differtation upon Tea? And
as to his Method of Salivation without Mercury, lọ
much celebrated of late, it is, to my own Knowledge
and Experience, a Thing very little to be relied on.
Ir was to fupply fuch momentous Defects, that I
have been prevailed on, after long Sollicitation, to
take Pen in Hand; and I dare venture to promife,
the Judicious Reader fhall find nothing neglected here
that can be of Uſe upon any Emergency of Life. I
am confident to have included and exhaufted all that
Human Imagination can Rife or Fall to. Particu-
larly, I recommend to the Perufal of the Learned, cer-
tain Diſcoveries that are wholly untouch'd by others;
whereof I shall only mention among a great many
more; My new Help of Smatterers, or the Art of be-
ing Deep-learned, and Shallow-read. A curious In-
vention about Moufe-Traps. An Univerfal Rule of
Reafon, or Every Man his own Carver; together with
a moft uſeful Engine for catching of Owls. All which
the
in the Modern Kind.
85
the Judicious Reader will find largely treated on, in
the feveral Parts of this Difcourfe.
I HOLD myſelf obliged to give as much Light as is
poffible, into the Beauties and Excellencies of what I
am writing, becauſe it is become the Fashion and
Humour moſt applauded among the firſt Authors of
this Polite and Learned Age, when they would cor-
rect the Ill-Nature of Critical, or inform the Igno-
rance of Courteous Readers. Befides there have been
feveral famous Pieces lately publiſhed, both in Verfe
and Profe; wherein, if the Writers had not been
pleafed, out of their great Humanity and Affection to
the Public, to give us a nice Detail of the Sublime,
and the Admirable they contain; it is a thouſand to
one, whether we ſhould ever have diſcovered one Grain
of either. For my own particular, I cannot deny,
that whatever I have faid upon this Occafion, had
been more proper in a Preface, and more agreeable
to the Mode, which ufually directs it there. But I
here think fit to lay hold on that great and honoura-
ble Privilege of being the Last Writer; I claim an
abfolute Authority in Right, as the fresheft Modern,
which gives me a Defpotic Power over all Authors
before me. In the Strength of which Title, I do
utterly diſapprove and declare againſt that pernicious
Cuſtom, of making the Preface a Bill of Fare to the
Book. For I have always looked upon it as a high
Point of Indiſcretion in Monster-mongers, and other
Retailers of frange Sights; to hang out a fair large
Picture over the Door, drawn after the Life, with
a moſt eloquent Deſcription underneath: This hath
faved me many a Three-pence; for my Curiofity
was fully fatisfied, and I never offered to go in, tho'
often invited by the urging and attending Orator,
with his laſt moving and ſtanding Piece of Rhetoric;
Sir,
86
A Digreſſion, &c.
•
Sir, Upon my Word, we are just going to begin. Such
is exactly the Fate, at this Time, of Prefaces, Epis-
tles, Advertiſements, Introductions, Prolegomena's, Ap-
paratus's, To the Readers. This Expedient was ad-
mirable at firſt; our Great Dryden has long carried
it as far as it would go, and with incredible Success.
He hath often faid to me in Confidence, that the
World would have never fufpected him to be ſo great
a Poet, if he had not affured them ſo frequently in
his Prefaces, that it was impoffible they could either
doubt or forget it. Perhaps it may be fo; however,
I much fear, his Inftructions have edified out of their
Place, and taught Men to grow wifer in certain Points
where he never intended they ſhould; for it is lamen-
table to behold, with what a lazy Scorn many of the
yawning Readers of our Age, do now a-days twirl
over forty or fifty Pages of Preface and Dedication
(which is the ufual Modern Stint) as if it were fo much
Latin. Tho' it muſt be alfo allowed on the other
Hand, that a very confiderable Number is known to
proceed Critics and Wits, by reading nothing elſe.
Into which two Factions, I think, all preſent Rea-
ders may juſtly be divided. Now, for myſelf, I pro-
fefs to be of the former Sort; and therefore having
the Modern Inclination to expatiate upon the Beauty
of my own Productions, and difplay the bright Parts
of my Difcourfe, I thought beft to do it in the Body
of the Work, where, as it now lies, it makes a very
confiderable Addition to the Bulk of the Volume, a
Circumftance by no Means to be neglected by a ſkilful
Writer.
HAVING thus paid my due Deference and Acknow-
ledgment to an eſtabliſhed Cuſtom of our neweſt Au-
thors, by a long Digreffion unfought for, and an uni-
erfal Cenfure unprovoked; by forcing into the Light,
with
ATALE
87
with much Pains and Dexterity, my own Excellen-
cies, and other Men's Defaults, with great Juftice to
myſelf, and Candour to them; I now happily reſume
my Subject, to the infinite Satisfaction, both of the
Reader and the Author.
SECTION VI.
ATALE of a TU B.
W
E left Lord Peter in open Rupture with his
two Brethren; both for ever difcarded from
his Houfe, and refigned to the wide World,
with little or nothing to truft to. Which are Circum-
ftances that render them proper Subjects for the Cha-
rity of a Writer's Pen to work on; Scenes of Mifery,
ever affording the fairest Harveſt for great Adventures.
And in this, the World may perceive the Difference
between the Integrity of a generous Author, and that
of a common Friend. The latter is obſerved to ad-
here cloſe in Profperity, but on the Decline of For-
tune, to drop fuddenly off. Whereas, the generous
Author, juft on the contrary, finds his Hero on the
Dunghil, from thence, by gradual Steps, raiſes him
to a Throne, and then immediately withdraws, ex-
pecting not fo much as Thanks for his Pains: In Imi-
tation of which Example, I have placed Lord Peter in
a Noble Houſe, given him a Title to wear, and Mo-
ney to spend. There I fhall leave him for fome Time;
returning where common Charity directs me, to the
Affiftance of his two Brothers, at their loweſt Ebb.
However, I fhall by no Means forget my Character
of
88
ATALE
of an Hiſtorian, to follow the Truth, Step by Step;
whatever happens, or where-ever it may lead me.
THE two Exiles, fo nearly united in Fortune and
Intereſt, took a Lodging together; where, at their
firft Leifure, they began to reflect on the numberless
Misfortunes and Vexations of their Life paft, and
could not tell, on the ſudden, to what Failure in their
Conduct they ought to impute them; when, after
fome Recollection, they called to Mind the Copy of
their Father's Will, which they had fo happily reco-
vered. This was immediately produced, and a firm
Refolution taken between them, to alter whatever
was already amifs, and reduce all their future Mea-
fures to the firictest Obedience preſcribed therein.
The main Body of the Will (as the Reader cannot
eafily have forgot) confifted in certain admirable Rules
about the wearing of their Coats; in the Peruſal
whereof, the two Brothers at every Period, duly com
paring the Doctrine with the Practice, there was ne-
ver ſeen a wider Difference between two Things; hor-
rible, downright Tranfgreffions of every Point. Up-
on which, they both refolved, without further De-
lay, to fall immediately upon reducing the Whole,
exactly after their Father's Model.
BUT, here it is good to ftop the hafty Reader, ever
impatient to fee the End of an Adventure, before we
Writers can duly prepare him for it. I am to record,
that theſe two Brothers began to be diftinguiſhed at
this Time, by certain Names. One of them defired
to be called * MARTIN, and the other took the
Appellation of +JACK. Theſe two had lived in
* Martin Luther.
+ John Calvin.
much
of a TU B.
89
much Friendship and Agreement, under the Tyranny
of their Brother Peter, as it is the Talent of Fellow-
Sufferers to do; Men in Misfortune, being like Men
in the Dark, to whom all Colours are the fame; But
when they came forward into the World, and began
to diſplay themſelves to each other, and to the Light,
their Complexions appeared extremely different;
which the preſent Poſture of their Affairs, gave them
fudden Opportunity to diſcover.
BUT, here the fevere Reader may juſtly tax me as
a Writer of fhort Memory, a Deficiency to which a
true Modern cannot but, of Neceffity, be a little fub-
jest. Becauſe, Memory being an Employment of the
Mind upon Things paft, is a Faculty, for which the
Learned in our Illuftrious Age have no Manner of
Occafion, who deal intirely with Invention, and ſtrike
all Things out of themſelves, or, at leaſt, by Colli-
fion, from each other: Upon which Account, we
think it highly reaſonable to produce our great For-
getfulness, as an Argument unanswerable for our great
Wit. I ought, in Method, to have informed the Rea-
der, about fifty Pages ago, of a Fancy Lord Peter
took, and infuſed into his Brothers, to wear on their
Ceats whatever Trimmings came up in Fafhion; ne-
ver pulling off any as they went out of the Mode, but
keeping on all together; which amounted, in Time,
to a Medley, the moft Antic you can poffibly conceive;
and this to a Degree, that upon the Time of their
falling out, there was hardly a Thread of the Origi-
nai Coat to be feen: But an infinite Quantity of Lace,
and Ribbands, and Fringe, and Embroidery, and Points;
(I mean, only thofe * tagged with Silver, for the reſt
+
* Points tagged with Silver, are thofe Doctrines that
promote the Greatness and Wealth of the Church, which
have been therefore woven deepest in the Body of Popery.
fell
90
ATALE
fell off) Now this material Circumftance having been
forgot in due Place, as good Fortune hath ordered,
comes in very properly here, when the two Brothers
are juft going to reform their Veſtures into the primi-
tive State, preſcribed by their Father's Will.
THEY both unanimouſly entered upon this great
Work, looking fometimes on their Coats, and fome-
times on the Will. Martin laid the firft Hand; at one
Twitch brought off a large Handful of Points; and,
with a fecond Pull, ftripped away ten Dozen Yards of
Fringe. But when he had gone thus far, he demurred
a while: He knew very well, there yet remained a
great deal more to be done; however, the firft Heat
being over, his Violence began to cool, and he re-
folved to proceed more moderately in the reft of the
Work; having already narrowly 'fcaped a fwinging
Rent in pulling off the Points, which, being tagged
with Silver (as we have obferved before) the judicious
Workman had, with much Sagacity, double fown, to
preferve them from falling. Refolving therefore to rid
his Coat of a huge Quantity of Gold-Lace, he pick'd
up the Stitches with much Caution, and diligently
gleaned out all the loofe Threads as he went, which
proved to be a Work of Time. Then he fell about
the embroidered Indian Figures of Men, Women, and
Children; againſt which, as you have heard in its
due Place, their Father's Teftament was extremely ex-
act and fevere: Thefe, with much Dexterity and Ap-
plication, were, after a while, quite eradicated, or
utterly defaced. For the reft, where he obſerved the
Embroidery to be worked ſo cloſe, as not to be got
away without damaging the Cloth, or where it ſerved
to hide or ftrengthen any Flaw in the Body of the
Coat, contracted by the perpetual tampering of Work-
men upon it; he concluded, the wifeft Courſe was to
let
Pag-90.
of a TUB.
gf
let it remain, refolving in no Cafe whatfoever, that
the Subſtance of the Stuff ſhould ſuffer Injury; which
he thought the beſt Method for ferving the true Intent
and Meaning of his Father's Will. And this is the
neareſt Account I have been able to collect, of Mar-
tin's Proceedings upon this great Revolution.
BUT his Brother Jack, whofe Adventures will be
fo extraordinary, as to furniſh a great Part in the Re-
mainder of this Difcourfe; entered upon the Matter
with other Thoughts, and a quite different Spirit. For
the Memory of Lord Peter's Injuries produced a De-
gree of Hatred and Spight, which had a much greater
Share of inciting him, than any Regards after his Fa-
ther's Commands, fince theſe appeared, at beſt, only
fecondary and fubfervient to the other. However, for
this Medley of Humour, he made a Shift to find a ve-
ry plausible Name, honouring it with the Title of
Zeal; which is, perhaps, the moſt fignificant Word
that hath been ever yet produced in any Language ;
as, I think, I have fully proved, in my excellent Ana-
lytical Difcourfe upon that Subject; wherein, I have
deduced a Hiftori-theo-phyfi-logical Account of Zeal,
fhewing how it firft proceeded from a Notion into a
Word, and from thence, in a hot Summer, ripened
into a tangible Subftance. This Work, containing
three large Volumes in Folio, I defign very fhortly to
publifh, by the Modern Way of Subfcription, not
doubting, but the Nobility and Gentry of the Land
will give me all poffible Encouragement; having had
already fuch a Taſte of what I am able to perform.
IRECORD therefore, that Brother Jack, Brim-full
of this miraculous Compound, reflecting with Indigna-
tion upon Peter's Tyranny, and farther provoked by
the Deſpondency of Martin; prefaced his Refolutions
to this Purpoſe. What, faid he, A Rogue that locked up
I
bis
92
A TALE
his Drink, turned away our Wives, cheated us of our
Fortunes; paum'd his damn'd Crufts upon us for Mutton
and, at last, kick'd us out of Doors; must we be in his
Fashions, with a Pox! a Rafcal, befides, that all the
Street cries out against. Having thus kindled and in-
flamed himſelf, as high as poffible, and by Confe-
quence in a delicate Temper for beginning a Reforma-
tion, he fet about the Work immediately, and, in
three Minutes, made more Diſpatch than Martin had
done in as many Hours. For (courteous Reader) you
are given to underſtand, that Zeal is never ſo highly
obliged, as when you fet it a Tearing; and Jack, who
doated on that Quality in himſelf, allowed it at this
Time its full Swinge. Thus it happened, that itrip-
ping down a Parcel of Gold Lace, a little too haftily,
he rent the main Body of his Coat from Top to Bot-
tom; and whereas his Talent was not of the happieſt
in taking up a Stitch, he knew no better Way, than to
dern it again with Packthread and a Skewer. But
the Matter was yet infinitely worſe (I record it with
Tears) when he proceeded to the Embroidery: For,
being clumſy by Nature, and of Temper impatient;
withal, beholding Millions of Stitches that required the
niceſt Hand, and fedateſt Conſtitution, to extricate;
in a great Rage, he tore off the whole Piece, Cloth
and all, and flung it into the Kennel, and furiouſly
thus continued his Career; Ah, Good Brother Martin,
faid he, do as I do, for the Love of God; Strip, Tear,
Pull, Rend, Flay off all, that we may appear as un-
like the Rogue Peter as it is poffible; I would not, for an
hundred Pounds, carry the leaf Mark about me, that
might give Occafion to the Neighbours, of fufpecting that
I was related to fuch a Rafcal. But, Martin, who at
this Time happened to be extremely flegmatic and fe-
date, begged his Brother, of all Love, not to damage
bis Coat by any Means; for he never would get fuch a-
nother:
of a TUB.
93
mother: Defired him to confider, that it was not their
Buſineſs to form their Actions by any Reflection upon Pe-
ter, but by obferving the Rules prefcribed in their Fa-
ther's Will. That he should remember, Peter was ftill
their Brother, whatever Faults or Injuries he had com-
mitted; and therefore they should, by all Means, avoid
fuch a Thought, as that of taking Measures for Good and
Evil, from no other Rule than of Oppofition to him.
That it was true, the Teftament of their good Father
was very exact in what related to the wearing of their
Coats; yet was it no lefs penal and ftri& in preſcribing
Agreement, and Friendship, and Affection between them.
And therefore, if ftraining a Point were at all difpen-
fable, it would certainly be fo, rather to the Advance of
Unity, than Increase of Contradiction.
MARTIN had ftill proceeded as gravely as he be-
gan; and doubtlefs would have delivered an admirable
Lecture of Morality, which might have exceedingly
contributed to my Reader's Repofe, bath of Body and
Mind (the true ultimate End of Ethics ;) but Jack was
already gone a Flight-fhot beyond his Patience. And,
as in Scholaſtic Diſputes, nothing ferves to rouſe the
Spleen of him that Oppofes, ſo much as a Kind of pe-
dantic affected Calmnefs in the Refpondent; Difpu-
tants being for the moſt Part like unequal Scales,
where the Gravity of one Side advances the Light-
ness of the other, and cauſes it to fly up, and kick the
Beam: So it happened here, that the Weight of Mar-
tin's Argument exalted Jack's Levity, and made
him fly out and fpurn against his Brother's Moderation.
In short, Martin's Patience put Jack in a Rage; but,
that, which moſt afflicted him, was, to obſerve his
Brother's Coat ſo well reduced into the State of Inno-
cence; while his own was either wholly rent to his
Shirt; or thofe Places, which had efcaped his cruel
Clutches,
I 2
94
ATALE, &t.
Clutches, were ftill in Peter's Livery. So that he
looked like a drunken Beau, half rifled with Bullies;
or like a freſh Tenant of Newgate, when he has res
fuſed the Payment of Garnish; or like a difcovered
Shop-lifter, left to the Mercy of Exchange-Women; or
like a Bawd in her old Velvet Petticoat, refigned into
the fecular Hands of the Mobile. Like any, or like
all of thefe, a Medley of Rags and Lace, and Rents,
and Fringes, unfortunate Jack did now appear: He
would have been extremely glad to fee his Coat in the
Condition of Martin's, but infinitely gladder to find
that of Martin's in the fame Predicament with his.
However, fince neither of theſe was likely to come to
paſs, he thought fit to lend the whole Bufinefs another
Turn, and to dress up Neceffity into a Virtue. There-
fore, after as many of the Fox's Arguments, as he could
müfter up, for bringing Martin to Reafon, as he called
it; or, as he meant it, into his own ragged, bobtailed
Condition; and obferving he faid all to little Purpofe;
what, alas ! was left for the forlorn Fack to do, but after
a Million of Scurrilities against his Brother, to run mad
with Spleen, and Spight, and Contradiction. To be
fhort, here began a mortal Breach between theſe two.
Jack went immediately to New Lodgings, and in a few
Days, it was for certain reported, that he had run out
of his Wits. In a fhort Time after, he appeared a-
broad, and confirmed the Report, by falling into the
oddeft Whimfies that ever a fick Brain conceived.
AND now the little Boys in the Streets began to fa-
Iute him with ſeveral Names. Sometimes they would
call him* Jack the Bald; fometimes, Jack with a
* That is, Calvin, from Calvus, Bald.
† All those who pretend to Inward Light.
Lanthorn %
A Digreffion, &c.
95
Lantborn; fometimes, Dutch Jack; fometimes, H
French Hugh; fometimes, * Tom the Beggar; and
fometimes, + Knocking Jack of the North. And it was
under one or fome, or all of thefe Appellations (which
I leave the learned Reader to determine) that he hath
given Rife to the moft Illuftrious and Epidemic Sect
of Eolis, who, with honourable Commemoration,
do ſtill acknowledge the Renowned JACK for their
Author and Founder. Of whofe Original, as well
as Principles, I am now advancing to gratify the
World with a very particular Account.
Melleo contingens cuncta Lepore.
‡ Jack of Leyden, who gave Rife to the Ana-
baptifts.
The Hugonots.
*The Gueules, by which Name fome Proteftants in
Flanders were called.
+ John Knox, the Reformer of Scotland.
I
SECT. VII.
A Digreffion in Praife of Digreffions.
HAVE fometimes heard of an Iliad in a Nut
bell but it hath been my Fortune to have much
oftener ſeen a Nut-fhell in an Iliad. There is no
doubt that Human Life has received moſt wonderful
Advantages from both; but to which of the two the
World is chiefly indebted, I fhall leave among the
Curious, as a Problem worthy of their utmoft Enqui-
ry. For the Invention of the Latter, I think the
I 3
Com.
96
A Digreſſion
Commonwealth of Learning is chiefly obliged to the
great Modern Improvement of Digreffions: The late
Refmements in Knowledge, running parallel to thoſe
of Dyet in our Nation, which, among Men of a judi-
cious Taſte, are drefs'd up in various Compounds, con-
fifting in Soups and Ollio's, Fricaffees and Ragoufts.
IT is true, there is a Sort of morofe, detracting,
ill-bred People, who pretend utterly to difreliſh theſe
polite Innovations; and as to the Similitude from
Dyet, they allow the Parallel, but are ſo bold to pro-
nounce the Example itſelf, a Corruption and Dege-
neracy of Tafte. They tell us, that the Fafhion of
jumbling fifty Things together in a Diſh, was at firſt
introduced in Compliance to a depraved and debauched
Appetite, as well as to a crazy Conflitution: And to
fee a Man hunting thro' an Ollio, after the Head and
Brains of a Goofe, a Wigeon, or a Woodcock, is a Sign
he wants a Stomach and Digeſtion for more fubftan-
tial Victuals. Farther, they affirm, that Digreffions
in a Book are like Foreign Troops in a State, which
argue the Nation to want a Heart and Hands of its
own; and often, either fubdue the Natives, or drive
them into the most unfruitful Corners.
BUT, after all that can be objected by theſe fuper-
cilious Cenfors; 'tis manifeft, the Society of Writers
would quickly be reduced to a very inconfiderable
Number, if Men were put upon making Books, with
the fatal Confinement of delivering nothing beyond
what is to the Purpoſe. "Tis acknowledged, that were
the Cafe the fame among Us, as with the Greeks and
Romans, when Learning was in its Cradle, to be rear-
ed and fed, and cloathed by Invention ; it would be
an eaſy Taſk to fill up Volumes upon particular Oc-
cafions, without farther expatiating from the Sub-
jects than by moderate Excurfions, helping to advance
or
in Praise of Digreffions.
97
or clear the main Defign. But with Knowledge, it has
fared as with a numerous Army, encamped in a fruit-
ful Country; which for a few Days maintains itſelf by
the Product of the Soil it is on; till, Proviſions being
ſpent, they are ſent to forage many a Mile, among
Friends or Enemies, it matters not. Mean while, the
neighbouring Fields, trampled and beaten down, be-
come barren and dry, affording no Suftenance but
Clouds of Duſt.
THE whole Courſe of Things, being thus intirely
changed between Us and the Antients; and the Mo-
derns wifely fenfible of it, we of this Age have diſco-
vered a ſhorter, and more prudent Method, to become
Scholars and Wits, without the Fatigue of Reading
or of Thinking. The most accompliſhed Way of ufing
Books at prefent is twofold: Either firſt, to ſerve them
as fome Men do Lords, learn their Titles exactly, and
then brag of their Acquaintance. Or Secondly, which
is indeed the choicer, the profounder, and politer
Method, to get a thorough Inſight into the Index, by
which the whole Book is governed and turned, like
Fishes by the Tail. For, to enter the Palace of Learn-
ing at the great Gate, requires an Expence of Time
and Forms; therefore Men of much Hafte and little
Ceremony, are content to get in by the Back-DooT
For, the Arts are all in a flying March, and therefore
more eaſily ſubdued by attacking them in the Rear.
Thus Phyſicians diſcover the State of the whole Body.
by confulting only what comes from Bebind. Thus
Men catch Knowledge by throwing their Wit on the
Pofteriors of a Book, as Boys do Sparrows with flinging
Salt upon their Tails. Thus Human Life is beſt un-
derstood by the Wife Man's Rule of Regarding the End.
Thus are the Sciences found like Hercules's Öxen, by
tracing them Backwards. Thus are old Sciences vara-
velled like old Stockings, by beginning at the Foot.
I 4
BE-
98
A Digreſſion
BESIDES all this, the Army of the Sciences hath
been of late, with a World of Martial Difcipline, drawn
into its cloſe Order, ſo that a View, or a Mufter, may
be taken of it with abundance of Expedition. For this
great B'effing we are wholly indebted to Syſtems and
Abftracts, in which the Modern Fathers of Learning,
like prudent Ufurers, ſpent their Sweat for the Eaſe
of us their Children. For Labour is the Seed of Idle-
nefs, and it is the peculiar Happineſs of our Noble
Age to gather the Fruit.
Now the Method of growing Wife, Learned, and
Sublime, having become fo regular an Affair, and fo
eſtabliſhed in all its Forms; the Numbers of Writers
muſt needs have increaſed accordingly, and to a Pitch
that has made it of abfolute Neceffity for them to in-
terfere continually with each other. Befides, it is
reckoned, that there is not, at this prefent, a fufficient
Quantity of new Matter left in Nature, to furniſh and
adorn any one particular Subject to the Extent of a
Volume. This I am told by a very ſkilful Compu-
ter, who hath given a full Demonftration of it from
Rules of Arithmetic.
THIS, perhaps, may be objected againft, by thoſe
who main ain the Infinity of Matter, and, therefore,
will not allow that any Species of it can be exhauſted.
For Anſwer to which, let us examine the nobleft Branch
of Modern Wit or Invention, planted and cultivated by
the preſent Age, and which, of all others, hath born
the moft, and the faireft Fruit. For tho' ſome Re-
mains of it were left us by the Antients, yet have not
any of thoſe, as I remember, been tranſlated or com-
piled into Syſtems for Modern Ufe. Therefore We
may affirm, to ourown Honour, that it has, in fome
Sort, been both invented, and brought to a Perfection
by
in Praise of Digreffions.
99:
*
by the fame Hands. What I mean, is that highly
celebrated Talent among the Modern Wits, of de-
ducing Similitudes, Allufions, and Applications, ve-
ry Surprifing, Agreeable, and Appofite, from the
Pudenda of either Sex, together with their proper Uſes.
And truly, having obferved how little Invention bears
any Vogue, befides what is derived into theſe Chan-
nels, I have fometimes had a Thought, that the hap-
py Genius of our Age and Country, was propheti-
cally held forth by that antient typical Defcription
of the Indian Pygmies; whofe Stature did not exceed
above two Foot; fed quorum pudenda craffa, & ad talos
ufque pertingentia. Now, I have been very curious
to infpect the late Productions, wherein the Beauties
of this Kind have moft prominently appeared. And al-
tho' this Vein hath bled ſo freely, and all Endeavours
have been uſed in the Power of Human Breath, to
dilate, extend, and keep it open; like the Scythians,
+who had a Custom, and an Inftrument, to blow up the
Privities of their Mares, that they might yield the more
Milk: Yet I am under an Apprehenfion, it is near
growing dry, and paft all Recovery; and that either
fome new Fonde of Wit ſhould, if poſſible, be provid、
ed, or elſe that we muſt e'en be content with Repe-
tition here, as well as upon all other Occafions.
THIS will ſtand as an unconteſtable Argument, that
our Modern Wits are not to reckon upon the Infinity
of Matter, for a conftant Supply. What remains
therefore, but that our laft Recourſe muſt be had to
large Indexes, and little Compendiums, Quotations muſt
be plentifully gathered, and booked in Alphabet; to
Ctefiæ fragm. apud Photium.
+ Herodot. L. 4:
this
100
A Digreſſion, &c.
this End, tho' Authors need be little confulted, yet
Critics, and Commentators, and Lexicons carefully
muft. But above all, thofe judicious Collectors of
bright Parts, and Flowers, and Obfervanda's, are to
be nicely dwelt on; by fome called the Sieves and
Boulters of Learning; tho' it is left undetermined,
whether they dealt in Pearls or Meal; and confe-
quently, whether we are more to value that which
paſſed thre', or what flaid behind,
By theſe Methods, in a few Weeks, there ftarts
up many a Writer, capable of managing the pro-
foundeſt, and moft univerfal Subjects. For, what tho'
his Head be empty, provided his Common-Place-Book
be full; and if you will bate him by the Circumſtances
of Method, and Stile, and Grammar, and Invention ;
allow him but the common Privileges of tranfcribing
from others, and digreffing from himſelf, as often as
he fhall fee Occafion; He will defire no more Ingre-
dients towards fitting up a Treatife, that fhall make
a very comely Figure on a Bookfeller's Shelf, there
to be preſerved neat and clean, for a long Eternity,
adorned with the Heraldry of its Title, fairly inſcrib-
ed on a Label; never to be thumbed or greafed by
Students, nor bound to everlafting Chains of Dark-
nefs in a Library: But, when the Fulneſs of Time is
come, fhall happily undergo the Tryal of Purgatory,
in order to afcend the Sky.
WITHOUT thefe Allowances, how is it poffible,
we Modern Wits ſhould ever have an Opportunity to
introduce our Collections, lifted under ſo many thou-
fand Heads of a different Nature? for want of which,
the Learned World would be deprived of infinite
Delight, as well as Inftruction, and we ourſelves bu-
ried beyond Redreſs in an inglorious and undiflin-
guifhed Oblivion.
FROM
ATALE, &c.
ΙΟΙ
FROM fuch Elements, as thefe, I am alive to be-
hold the Day, wherein the Corporation of Authors
can out-vie all its Brethren in the Field. A Happineſs
derived to us with a great many others, from our Scy -
thian Anceſtors; among whom, the Number of Pens
was fo infinite, that the Grecian Eloquence had no
other Way of expreffing it, than by faying, That in
the Regions, far to the North, it was hardly poffible
for a Man to travel, the very Air was fo replete with
Feathers.
THE Neceffity of this Digreffion will eafily excufe
the Length; and I have chofen for it as proper a
Place as I could readily find. If the judicious Rea-
der can affign a fitter, I do here impower him to re-
move it into any other Corner he pleaſes. And fo I
return with great Alacrity to purſue a more important
Concern.
* Herodot. L. 4.
T
SECT. VIII.
ATALE of a TUB.
HE Learned Eolifts maintain the Origi-
nal Cauſe of all Things to be Wind, from
which Principle this whole Univerſe was at
firſt produced, and into which it muſt at laſt be refol-
ved; that the fame Breath which had kindled, and
+ All Pretenders to Inſpiration whatſoever.
blew
102
TALE
blew up the Flame of Nature, ſhould one Day blow
it out.
Quod procul a nobis flectat Fortuna gubernans.
THIS is what the Adepti underſtand by their Ani-
ma Mundi; that is to fay, the Spirit, or Breath, or
Wind of the World; for examine the whole Syſtem
by the Particulars of Nature, and you will find it not
to be difputed. For, whether you pleafe to call the
Forma informans of Man, by the Name of Spiritus,
Animus, Afflatus, or Anima; What are all theſe but
feveral Appellations for Wind? which is the ruling
Element in every Compound, and into which they
all reſolve upon their Corruption. Farther, what
is Life itſelf, but, as it is commonly called, the Breath
of our Noftrils? Whence it is very juſtly obſerved by
Naturalifts, that Windſtill continues of great Emolu-
ment in certain Myfteries not to be named, giving
Occafion for thoſe happy Epithets of Turgidus, and
Inflatus, apply'd either to the Emittent, or Recipi-
ent Organs.
By what I have gathered out of antient Records,
I find the Compaſs of their Doctrine took in two and
thirty Points, wherein it would be tedious to be very
particular. However, a few of their moſt important
Precepts, deducible from it, are by no means to be o-
mitted; among which the following Maxim was of
much Weight; That fince Wind had the Mafter-
ſhare, as well as Operation in every Compound, by
confequence, thofe Beings must be of chief Excellence,
wherein that Primordium appears most prominently
to abound; and therefore, Man is in higheſt Perfec-
tion of all created Things, as having, by the great
Bounty of Philofophers, been endued with three dif
tinct
of a TUB.
103
tin&t Anima's or Winds to which the Sage Eolifts,
with much Liberality, have added a fourth of equal
Neceffity, as well as Ornament with the other three;
by this quartum Principium, taking in our four Cor-
ners of the World; which gave Occafion to that Re-
nowned Cabbalift, ✦ Bumbaftus, of placing the Bo-
dy of Man, in due Pofition to the four Cardinal
Points.
IN Confequence of this, their next Principle was,
that Man brings with him into the World a peculiar
Portion or Grain of Wind, which may be called a
Quinta effentia, extracted from the other four. This
Quinte fence is of a Catholic Ufe upon all Emergen-
cies of Life, is improvable into all Arts and Sciences,
and may be wonderfully refined, as well as enlarged
by certain Methods in Education. This, when blown
up to its Perfection, ought not to be covetously hoard-
ed up, ftifled, or hid under a Bufhel, but freely com-
municated to Mankind. Upon theſe Reaſons, and
others of equal Weight, the Wife Eolifts affirm the
Gift of BELCHING, to be the nobleſt Act of a Ra-
tional Creature. To cultivate which Art, and ren-
der it more ſerviceable to Mankind, they made uſe
of feveral Methods. At certain Seafons of the Year,
you might behold the Priests among them in vaft Num-
bers, with their | Mouths gaping wide enough against
a Storm. At other Times were to be ſeen ſeveral Hun-
dreds linked together in a circular Chain, with every
Man a Pair of Bellows applied to his Neighbour's
+ This is one of the Names of Paracelfus; He was
called Chriftophorus, Theophraftus, Paracelfus, Bum-
baftus.
This is meant of thofe Seditious Preachers, who
blow up the Seeds of Rebellion, &c.
Breech,
104
ATALE
Breech, by which they blew up each other to the
Shape and Size of a Tun; and for that Reaſon, with
great Propriety of Speech, did ufually call the Bodies,
their Veffels. When, by theſe, and the like Perfor-
mances, they were grown fufficiently replete, they
would immediately depart, and difembogue, for the
Public Good, a plentiful Share of their Acquirements
into their Difciples Chaps. For we must here obferve,
that all Learning was efteemed among them to be
compounded from the fame Principle. Becauſe, Firft,
it is generally affirmed, or confeffed, that Learning
puffeth Men up: And Secondly, they proved it by the
following Syllogifm; Words are but Wind; and Learn-
ing is nothing but Words; Ergo, Learning is nothing
but Wind. For this Reaſon, the Philofophers among
them did, in their Schools, deliver to their Pupils all
their Doctrines and Opinions by Eructation, where-
in they had acquired a wonderful Eloquence, and of
incredible Variety. But the great Characteriſtic, by
which their chief Sages were beft diftinguiſhed, was
a certain Pofition of Countenance, which gave un-
doubted Intelligence to what Degree or Proportion
the Spirit agitated the inward Mafs. For, after cer-
tain Gripings, the Wind and Vapours iffuing forth;
having firſt, by their Turbulence and Convulfions
within, cauſed an Earthquake in Man's little World;
diftorted the Mouth, bloated the Cheeks, and gave
the Eyes a terrible Kind of Relievo. At which Junc-
tures, all their Belches were received for Sacred, the
fourer the better, and ſwallowed with infinite Conſo-
lation by their meager Devotees. And to render theſe
yet more compleat, becauſe the Breath of Man's Life
is in his Noftrils, therefore, the choiceft, moft edi-
fying, and moft enlivening Belches were very wifely
conveyed thro' that Vehicle, to give them a Tinc-
ture as they paffed.
THEIR
of a TUB
105
THEIR Gods were the four Winds, whom they
worshipped, as the Spirits that pervade and enliven
the Univerſe, and as thoſe from whom alone all In-
fpiration can properly be faid to proceed. However,
the Chief of theſe, to whom they performed the A-
doration of Latria, was the Almighty-North. An an-
tient Deity, whom the Inhabitants of Megalopolis in
Greece had likewiſe in the higheſt Reverence: * Om-
nium Deorum Boream maxime celebrant. This God,
tho' endued with Ubiquity, was yet ſuppoſed by the
profounder Æolifs, to poffefs one peculiar Habitati-
on, or (to speak in Form) a Calum Empyreum, where-
in he was more intimately preſent. This was fituated
in a certain Region, well known to the antient Greeks,
by them called, Exolía, or the Land of Darkneſs.
And altho' many Controverfies have arifen upon that
Matter; yet ſo much is undifputed, that, from a Re-
gion of the like Denomination, the most refined Eolifts
have borrowed their Original; from whence in eve-
ry Age, the Zealous, among their Priesthood, have
brought over their choiceft Infpiration, fetching it
with their own Hand from the Fountain-head, in cer-
tain Bladders, and difploding it among the Sectaries
in all Nations, who did, and do, and ever will, dai-
ly grafp and pant after it.
Now, their Myfteries and Rites were performed
in this Manner. 'Tis well known among the Learn-
ed, that the Virtuofo's of former Ages had a Contri-
vance for carrying and preferving Winds in Caks or
Barrels, which was of great Affiftance upon long Sea
Voyages; and the Lofs of fo uſeful an Art, at pre-
fent, is very much to be lamented, tho' I know not
* Paufan, L. 8.
how,
106
A TALE
how, with great Negligence omitted by Pancirol-
lus. It was an Invention aſcribed to Æolus himſelf,
from whom this Sect is denominated, and who, in
Honour of their Founder's Memory, have, to this
Day, preſerved great Numbers of thoſe Barrels,
wherecf they fix one in each of their Temples, firſt
beating out the Top; into this Barrel, upon Solemn
Days, the Priest enters; where, having before daly
prepared himſelf by the Methods already defcribed, a
fecret Funnel is alſo convey'd from his Pofteriors, to
the Bottom of the Barrel, which admits new Supplies
of Inſpiration from a Northern Chink or Crany.
Whereupon, you behold him fwell immediately to
the Shape and Size of his Veſſel. In this Pofture he
difembogues whole Tempefts upon his Auditory, as
the Spirit from beneath gives him Utterance; which
iffuing ex adytis, and penetralibus, is not performed
without much Pain and Gripings. And the Wind,
in breaking forth, † deals with his Face, as it does
with that of the Sea, firft blackening, then wrinkling,
and, at laft, burfing it into a Foam. It is in this
Guife, the Sacred Eolift delivers his oracular Belches
to his panting Difciples; of whom, fome are greedi-
ly gaping after the fanctified Breath; others are all
the while hymning out the Praiſes of the Winds ; and,
gently wafted to and fro by their own Humming, do
thus repreſent the foft Breezes of their Deities ap-
peafed.
IT is from this Cuftom of the Priefts, that fome
Authors maintain theſe Æolifts to have been very an-
* An Author who writ De Artibus Perditis, &c.
of Arts loft, and of Arts invented.
+ This is an exact Defcription of the Changes made
in the Face by Enthufiaftic Preachers.
tient
of a TUB.
107
tient in the World. Becauſe the Delivery of their
Myfteries, which I have juft now mentioned, appears
exactly the fame with that of other antient Oracles,
whoſe Inſpirations were owing to certain fubterrane-
ous Effluviums of Wind, delivered with the fame Pain
to the Prieft, and much about the fame Influence on
the People. It is true, indeed, that theſe were fre-
quently managed and directed by Female Officers,
whofe Organs were understood to be better difpofed
for the Admiffion of thoſe Oracular Gufts, as entering
and paffing up thro' a Receptacle of greater Capa-
city, and caufing alſo a Pruriency by the Way, fuch
as, with due Management, hath been refined from
Carnal, into a Spiritual Extafy. And, to ftrengthen
this profound Conjecture, it is farther infifted, that
this Cuſtom of Female Priefts is kept up ftill, in cer-
tain refined Colleges of our Modern Eolifts, who are
agreed to receive their Infpiration, derived through
the Receptacle aforefaid, like their Anceſtors, the
Sibyls.
*
AND, whereas the Mind of Man, when he gives
the Spur and Bridle to his Thoughts, doth never ſtop,
but naturally fallies out into both Extreams of High
and Low, of Good and Evil; his firſt Flight of Fancy
commonly tranſports Him to Ideas of what is moft
perfect, finiſhed, and exalted; till having foared out
of his own Reach and Sight, not well perceiving how
near the Frontiers of Height and Depth border upon
each other; with the fame Courfe and Wing, he falls
down plum into the loweſt Bottom of Things; like
one who travels the Eaft into the Weft; or like a ftrait
Line drawn by its own Length into a Circle. Whether
Pray.
Quakers, who fuffer their Women to Preach and
K
a Tinc-
108
ATALE
a Tincture of Malice in our Natures, makes us fond
of furniſhing every bright Idea with its Reverfe; or,
whether Reaſon, reflecting upon the Sum of Things,
can, like the Sun, ferve only to enlighten one half of
the Globe, leaving the other half, by Neceffity, an-
der Shade and Darkness; or, whether Fancy, flying
up to the Imagination of what is Higheft and Beft, be-
comes over-fhort, and ſpent, and weary, and fudden-
ly falls, like a dead Bird of Paradife, to the Ground.
Or, whether after all thefe Metaphyfical Conjectures,
I have not intirely miffed the true Reaſon; the Propo-
fition, however, which hath ftood me in fo much Cir-
cumſtance, is altogether true; that, as the moſt un-
civilized Parts of Mankind, have fome Way or other
climbed up into the Conception of a God, or Supreme
Power, fo they have feldom forgot to provide their
Fears with certain ghaftly Notions, which, inftead of
better, have ſerved them pretty tolerably for a Devil.
And this Proceeding feems to be natural enough; for
it is with Men, whofe Imaginations are lifted up very
high, after the fame Rate, as with thofe, whofe Bodies
are fo; that, as they are delighted with the Advan-
tage of a nearer Contemplation upwards, fo they are
equally terrified with the diſmal Profpect of the Preci-
pice below. Thus, in the Choice of a Devil, it hath
been the ufual Method of Mankind, to fingle out fome
Being, either in act, or in Vifion, which was in moſt
Antipathy to the God they had framed. Thus alfo the
Sect of Æolifts poffeffed themfelves with a Dread, and
Horror, and Hatred of two malignant Natures, be-
twixt whom, and the Deities they adored, perpetual
Enmity was eſtabliſhed. The first of thefe, was the
* Camekon, fworn Foe to Inſpiration, who, in Scorn,
de-
* I do not well underſtand what the Author aims at
bere,
of a TU B.
109
devoured large Influences of their God, without re-
funding the fmalleft Blaft by Eructation. The other
was a huge terrible Monſter, called Moulinavent, who,
with four ftrong Arms, waged eternal Battle with all
their Divinities, dexterously turning to avoid their
Blows, and repay them with Intereſt.
THUS furniſhed, and fet out with Gods, as well as
Devils, was the renowned Sect of Æolifts, which
makes, at this Day, fo illuftrious a Figure in the World,
and whereof, that polite Nation of Laplanders are, be-
yond all Doubt, a moſt authentick Branch; of whom,
I therefore cannot, without Injustice, here omit to
make honourable Mention; fince they appear to be fo
cloſely allied in Point of Intereft, as well as Inclinati-
ons, with their Brother Æolifts among us, as not only
to buy their Winds by Wholeſale from the fame Mer-
chants, but alſo to retail them after the fame Rate and
Method, and to Cuſtomers much alike.
Now, whether the Syftem, here delivered, was
wholly compiled by Jack, or as fome Writers believe,
rather copied from the Original at Delphos, with cer-
tain Additions and Emendations, fuited to the Times
and Circumſtances, I fhall not abfolutely determine,
This I may affirm, that Jack gave it, at least, a new
Turn, and formed it into the fame Dreſs and Model,
as it lies deduced by me,
I HAVE long fought after this Opportunity, of doing
Juftice to a Society of Men, for whom I have a pecu-
liar Honour, and whoſe Opinions, as well as Practices,
here, any more than by the terrible Monſter, mentioned
in the following Lines, called Moulinavent, which is
the French Word for a Windmill.
K 2
have
IIO
A Digreffion, &c.
have been extremely miſreprefented, and traduced, by
the Malice or Ignorance of their Adverfaries. For, I
think it one of the greateſt, and beſt of human Acti-
ons, to remove Prejudices, and place Things in their
trueſt and faireſt Light; which I therefore boldly un-
dertake, without any Regards of my own, befide the
Confcience, the Honour, and the Things.
SECT. IX.
A Digreffion concerning the Original, the Ufe and
Improvement of Madnefs in a Commonwealth.
N
OR fhall it any Ways detract from the juft Re-
putation of this famous Sect, that its Rife and
Inftitution are owing to fuch an Author, as I
have defcribed Jack to be; a Perfon whoſe Intellectu-
als were over-turned, and his Brain fhaken out of its
natural Pofition; which we commonly fuppofe to be
a Diftemper, and call by the Name of Madness or
Phrenzy. For, if we take a Survey of the greateſt A&ti-
ons that have been performed in the World, under the
Influence of fingle Men; which are, The Establishment
of New Empires by Conqueft; the Advance and Progress
of New Schemes in Philofophy; and the Contriving, as
well as the Propagating of New Religions: We fhall
find the Authors of them all, to have been Perſons,
whofe natural Reaſon hath admitted great Revolutions
from their Diet, their Education, the Prevalency of
fome certain Temper, together with the particular
Influence of Air and Climate. Befides, there is fome-
thing individual in human Minds, that eafily kindles
at
A Digreffion, &c.
III
at the accidental Approach and Collifion of certain
Circumftances, which, tho' of paultry and mean Ap-
pearance, do often flame out into the greateſt Emer-
gencies of Life. For great Turns are not always given
by ftrong Hands, but by lucky Adaption, and at pro-
per Seafons; and it is of no Import, where the Fire
was kindled, if the Vapour has once got up into the
Brain. For the upper Region of Man, is furniſhed like
the middle Region of the Air: The Materials are form-
ed from Cauſes of the wideſt Difference, yet produce
at laſt the ſame Subſtance and Effect. Mifts ariſe from
the Earth, Steams from Dunghils, Exhalations from
the Sea, and Smoke from Fire; yet all Clouds are the
fame in Compofition, as well as Confequences; and
the Fumes, iffuing from a Jakes, will furniſh as
comely and uſeful a Vapour, as Incenſe from an Al-
tar. Thus far, I fuppofe, will eaſily be granted me;
and then it will follow, that as the Face of Nature
never produces Rain, but when it is over-caſt and dif-
turbed, fo human Underſtanding, feated in the Brain,
muſt be troubled and overſpread by Vapours, afcend-
ing from the lower Faculties, to water the Invention,
and render it fruitful. Now, altho' theſe Vapours
(as it hath been already faid) are of as various Origi-
nal, as thoſe of the Skies; yet the Crop they produce,
differ both in Kind and Degree, meerly according to
the Soil. I will produce two Inftances, to prove and
explain what I am now advancing.
* A CERTAIN Great Prince raiſed a mighty Army,
filled his Coffers with infinite Treaſures, provided an
invincible Fleet, and all this, without giving the leaſt
Part of his Deſign to his greateſt Minifters, or his
neareſt Favourites. Immediately the whole World
* This was Harry the Great of France.
K 3
was
112
A Digreffion, &c.
was alarmed; the neighbouring Crowns, in trembling
Expectations, towards what Point the Storm would
burft; the fmall Politicians, every where forming pro-
found Conjectures. Some believed he had laid a Scheme
for Univerfal Monarchy: Others, after much Infight,
determined the Matter to be a Project for pulling down
the Pope, and fetting up the Reformed Religion, which
had once been his own. Some, again, of a deeper Sa-
gacity, fent him into Afta to ſubdue the Turk, and re-
cover Paleftine. In the midst of all thefe Projects and
Preparations, a certain * State-Surgeon, gathering the
Nature of the Diſeaſe by theſe Symptoms, attempted
the Cure, at one Blow performed the Operation, broke
the Bag, and out flew the Vapour; nor did any Thing
want to render it a compleat Remedy, only, that the
Prince unfortunately happened to die in the Perfor-
mance. Now, is the Reader exceeding curious to learn,
from whence this Vapour took its Rife, which had fo
long fet the Nations at a Gaze! What fecret Wheel,
what hidden Spring could put into Motion fo wonder-
ful an Engine: It was afterwards difcovered, that the
Movement of this whole Machine had been directed
by an abſent Female, whofe Eyes had raiſed a Protu-
berancy, and, before Emiffion, fhe was removed into
an Enemy's Country. What ſhould an unhappy
Prince do in fuch tickliſh Circumftances as theſe? He
tried in vain the Poet's never-failing Receipt of Cor-
pora quæque; For,
Idque petit corpus mens unde eft faucia amore;
Unde feritur, eo tendit, geftitque coire. Lucr.
HAVING to no Purpofe ufed all peaceable Endea-
Ravillac, who ftabbed Henry the Great in his Coach.
vours,
A Digreffion, &c.
113
vours, the collected Part of the Semen, raiſed and in-
flam'd, became aduft, converted to Choler, turn'd head
upon the ſpinal Duct, and afcended to the Brain: The
very fame Principle that influences a Bully to break the
Windows of a Whore, who has jilted him, naturally
ftirs up a great Prince to raiſe mighty Armies, and
dream of nothing but Sieges, Battles, and Victories.
Caufa
Teterrima Belli
THE other * Inftance is, what I have read fome-
where, in a very antient Author, of a mighty King,
who, for the Space of above thirty Years, amufed him-
felf to take, and lofe Towns; beat Armies, and be
beaten; drive Princes out of their Dominions; fright
Children from their Bread and Butter; burn, lay
wafte, plunder, dragoon, maffacre Subject and Stran
ger, Friend and Foe, Male and Female. 'Tis recorded,
that the Philofophers of each Country were in grave
Difpute, upon Caufes Natural, Moral, and Political,
to find out where they fhould affign an original Solu-
tion of this Phanomenon. At last, the Vapour or Spirit,
which animated the Hero's Brain, being in perpetual
Circulation, feized upon that Region of Human Ro-
dy, fo renowned for furnishing the † Zibat Occidenta-
lis, and, gathering there into a Tumor, left the reft
of the World for that Time in Peace. Of fuch migh-
*This is meant of the prefent French King.
+ Paracelfus, who was fo famous for Chymiftry, tried
an Experiment upon human Excrement, to make a Per-
fume of it; which, when he had brought to Perfection,
be called Zibeta Occidentalis, or Weltern Civet, the
back Parts of Man (according to bis Divifion mentioned
by the Author, Page 103.) being the Weft.
}
K 4
ty
114
A Digreſſion, &c.
ty Confequence it is, where thofe Exhalations fix,
and of fo little, from whence they proceed. The fame
Spirits, which, in their fuperior Progrefs, would con-
quer a Kingdom, defcending upon the Anus, conclude
in a Fiftula.
LET us next examine the great Introducers of new
Schemes in Philoſophy, and fearch till we can find,
from what Faculty of the Soul, the Difpofition ariſes
in mortal Man, of taking it into his Head, to advance
new Syſtems with fuch an eager Zeal, in Things agreed
on all Hands impoffible to be known: From what
Seeds this Difpofition ſprings, and to what Quality of
human Nature theſe grand Innovators have been in-
debted for their Number of Diſciples. Becauſe it is
plain, that feveral of the Chief among them, both
Antient and Modern, were ufually miſtaken by their
Adverfaries, and, indeed, by all, except their own
Followers, to have been Perfons crazed, or out of
their Wits, having generally proceeded in the com-
mon Courſe of their Words and Actions, by a Method
very different from the vulgar Dictates of unrefined
Reafon; agreeing for the moſt Part in their feveral
Models, with their prefent undoubted Succeffors in
the Academy of Modern Bedlam (whoſe Merits and
Principles I fhall farther examine in due Place.) Of
this Kind were Epicurus, Diogenes, Apollonius, Lu-
cretius, Paracelfus, Des Cartes, and others; who, if
they were now in the World, tied faſt, and ſeparate
from their Followers, would, in this our undiftinguiſh-
ing Age, incur manifeſt Danger of Phlebotomy, and
Whips, and Chains, and dark Chambers, and Straw.
For, what Man in the natural State, or Courſe of
Thinking, did ever conceive it in his Power, to reduce
the Notions of all Mankind, exactly to the fame
Length, and Breadth, and Height of his own? Yet
this is the first humble and civil Defign of all Innova-
tors
A Digreſſion, &c.
115
tors in the Empire of Reafon. Epicurus modeftly hoped,
that one Time or other, a certain fortuitous Concourfe
of all Men's Opinions, after perpetual Juftlings, the
ſharp with the ſmooth, the light and the heavy, the
round and the fquare, would, by certain Clinamina,
unite in the Notions of Atoms and Void, as theſe did in
the Originals of all Things. Cartefius reckoned to fee,
before he died, the Sentiments of all Philofophers, like
fo many leffer Stars in his Romantic Syftem, wrapped
and drawn within his own Vortex. Now, I would glad-
ly be informed, how it is poffible to account for fuch
Imaginations as theſe in particular Men, without Re-
courſe to my Phænomenon of Vapours, aſcending from
the lower Faculties to over-fhadow the Brain, and their
diftilling into Conceptions, for which the Narrowneſs
of our Mother-Tongue has not yet affigned any other
Name, befides that of Madness or Phrenzy. Let us.
therefore, now conjecture, how it comes to paſs, that
none of theſe great Prefcribers, do ever fail providing
themſelves and their Notions, with a Number of impli-
cite Difciples. And, I think, the Reaſon is eaſy to be
affigned: For, there is a peculiar String in the Harmo-
ny of Human Underſtanding, which, in ſeveral Indi-
viduals, is exactly of the fame Tuning. This, if you
can dexterously ſcrew up to its right Key, and then
ſtrike gently upon it; whenever you have the good
Fortune to light among thoſe of the fame Pitch, they
will, by a fecret neceffary Sympathy, ftrike exactly at
the fame Time. And, in this one Circumftance, lies
all the Skill or Luck of the Matter; for if you chance
to jar the String among thoſe who are either above or
below your own Height, inſtead of fubſcribing to your
Doctrine, they will tie you faft, call you mad, and
feed you with Bread and Water. It is, therefore, a
Point of the niceft Conduct, to diftinguish and adapt
this noble Talent, with reſpect to the Differences of
Per-
116
A Digreffion, &c.
Perfons and of Times. Cicero underſtood this very well,
when writing to a Friend in England, with a Caution
among other Matters, to beware of being cheated by
our Hackney-Coachmen (who, it feems, in thofe Days,
were as errant Rafcals as they are now) has theſe re-
markable Words: Eft quad gaudeas te in ifta loca
veniffe, ubi aliquid fapere viderere. For, to ſpeak a
bold Truth, it is a fatal Miſcarriage, fo ill to order Af-
fairs, as to paſs for a Fool in one Company, when in
another you might be treated as a Philofopher. Which
I defire fome certain Gentlemen of my Acquaintance, to
lay up in their Hearts, as a very feafonable Innuenda.
THIS, indeed, was the fatal Miftake of that worthy
Gentleman, my most ingenious Friend, Mr. W-tt-n 3
A Perfon, in Appearance, ordained for great Defigns,
as well as Performances; whether you will confider his
Notions or his Laoks. Surely no Man ever advanced into
the Public, with fitter Qualifications of the Body and
Mind, for the Propagation of a new Religion. Oh,
had thoſe happy Talents, mifapplied to vain Philofo-
phy, been turned into their proper Channels of Dreams
and Vifions, where Distortion of Mind and Counte-
nance, are of fuch fovereign Ufe; the bafe detracting
World would not then have dared to report, that fome-
thing is amifs, that his Brain hath undergone an un-
lucky Shake; which even his Brother Modernifts them-
felves, like Ungrates, do whiſper fo loud, that it reach-
es up to the very Garret I am now writing in.
*
LASTLY, Whofoever pleaſes to look into the Foun
tains of Enthuſiaſm, from whence, in all Ages, have
eternally proceeded fuch fattening Streams, will find
the Spring Head to have been as troubled and muddy as
the Current: Of ſuch great Emolument, is a Tincture
* Epift. ad Fam. Trebatio.
of
A Digreſſion, &c.
117
of this Vapour, which the World calls Madness, that,
without its Help, the World would not only be de-
prived of thoſe two great Bleffings, Conquefts and Syf-
tems, but even all Mankind would happily be reduced
to the fame Belief in Things invifible. Now, the for-
mer Poftulatum being held, that it is of no Import from
what Originals this Vapour proceeds, but either in what
Angles it ſtrikes and ſpreads over the Underſtanding,
or upon what Species of Brain it afcends; it will be a
very delicate Point, to cut the Feather, and divide the
feveral Reaſons to a nice and curious Reader. How
this numerical Difference in the Brain, can produce
Effects of ſo vaft a Difference from the fame Vapour,
as to be the fole Point of Inviduation between Alex-
ander the Great, Fack of Leyden, and Monfieur Des
Cartes. The prefent Argument is the most abftracted
that ever I engaged in, it ſtrains my Faculties to their
higheſt Stretch: And I defire the Reader to attend
with utmoſt Perpenſity; for I now proceed to unravel
this knotty Point.
THERE is in Mankind, a certain
Hic multa *
defiderantur.
*
*
*
tion of the Matter.
And this I take to be a clear Solu-
HAVING, therefore, fo narrowly paffed thro' this
+ Here is another Defect in the Manuſcript ; but I
think the Author did wifely, and that the Matter which
thus ftrained his Faculties, was not worth a Solution ;
and it were well if all Metaphyfical Cobweb Problems
were no otherwife anfwered.
intricate
118
A Digreffion, &c.
intricate Difficulty, the Reader will, I am fure, agree
with me in the Conclufion; that if the Moderns mean
by Madness, only a Disturbance or Tranfpofition of
the Brain, by Force of certain Vapours iffuing up from
the lower Faculties: Then has this Madneſs been the
Parent of all thofe mighty Revolutions, that have hap-
pened in Empire, in Philofophy, and in Religion. For,
the Brain, in its natural Pofition and State of Serenity,
difpofed its Owner to pafs his Life in the common
Forms, without any Thoughts of fubduing Multitudes
to his own Power, his Reasons or his Vifions; and the
more he fhapes his Underſtanding by the Pattern of
human Learning, the lefs he is inclined to form Parties
after his particular Notions; becauſe that inftructs him
in his private Infirmities, as well as in the stubborn Ig-
norance of the People. But when a Man's Fancy gets
aftride on his Reafon, when Imagination is at Cuffs
with his Senfes, and common Underſtanding, as well
as common Senfe, is kick'd out of Doors; the firſt
Profelyte he makes, is Himfelf; and when that is once
compaffed, the Difficulty is not fo great in bringing
over others; a ſtrong Deluſion always operating from
without, as vigorously as from within. For Cant and
Vifion are, to the Ear and the Eye, the fame that
Tickling is to the Touch. Thoſe Entertainments and
Pleaſures we moſt value in Life, are fuch as Dupe and
play the Wag with the Senfes. For, if we take an Ex-
amination of what is generally understood by Happiness,
as it has Reſpect, either to the Underſtanding or the
Senfes, we fhall find all its Properties and Adjuncts
will herd under this fhort Definition: That, it is a
perpetual Poffeffion of being well deceived. And firft,
with relation to the Mind or Underſtanding; 'tis ma-
nifeft, what mighty Advantages Fiction has over Truth;
and the Reafon is juft at our Elbow, becauſe Imagina-
tion can build nobler Scenes, and produce more won-
derful
A Digreffion, &c.
119
derful Revolutions than Fortune or Nature will be at
Expence to furniſh. Nor is Mankind ſo much to blame
in his Choice, thus determining him, if we confider
that the Debate merely lies between Things paft, and
Things conceived: And fo the Queſtion is only this;
Whether Things that have Place in the Imagination,
may not as properly be ſaid to Exiſt, as thoſe that are
feated in the Memory; which may be juſtly held in the
Affirmative, and very much to the Advantage of the
former, fince this is acknowledged to be the Womb of
Things, and the other allowed to be no more than the
Grave. Again, if we take this Definition of Happineſs,
and examine it with Reference to the Senfes, it will be
acknowledged wonderfully adapt. How fading and in-
fipid do all Objects accoft us, that are not convey'd in
the Vehicle of Delufion? How fhrunk is every Thing,
as it appears in the Glafs of Nature! So that if it were
not for the Affiſtance of artificial Mediums, falfe Lights,
refracted Angles, Varnish, and Tinfel; there would
be a mighty Level in the Felicity and Enjoyments of
mortal Men. If this were ſeriouſly confidered by the
World, as I have a certain Reaſon to ſuſpect it hardly
will, Men would no longer reckon, among their high
Points of Wiſdom, the Art of expofing weak Sides,
and publiſhing Infirmities; and an Employment, in
my Opinion, neither better nor worse than that of
Unmasking, which, I think, has never been allowed
fair Ufage, either in the World, or the Play-Houfe.
In the Proportion that Credulity is a more peace-
ful Poffeffion of the Mind, than Curioſity; fo far pre-
ferable is that Wiſdom, which converſes about the
Surface, to that pretended Philofophy which enters
into the Depth of Things, and then comes gravely
back with Information and Diſcoveries, that in the
Inside they are good for nothing. The two Senfes, to
which
120
A Digreffion, &c.
which all Objects, firft addrefs themfelves, are the Sight
and the Touch; thefe never examine farther than the
Colour, the Shape, the Size, and whatever other Qua
lities dwell, or are drawn by Art upon the Outward
of Bodies; and then comes Reafon officiouſly, with
Tools for cutting, and opening, and mangling, and
piercing, offering to demonftrate, that they are not
of the fame Confiftence quite thro'. Now I take all
this to be the laft Degree of perverting Nature; one
of whofe Eternal Laws it is, to put her beft Furniture
forward. And therefore, in order to fave the Charges
of all fuch expenſive Anatomy for the Time to come;
I do here think fit to inform the Reader, that in fuch
Conclufions as thefe, Reaſon is certainly in the right;
and that in moft Corporeal Beings, which have fallen
under my Cognizance, the Outfide hath been infinite-
ly preferable to the In: Whereof I have been farther
convinced from fome late Experiments. Laft Week
I faw a Woman flayed, and you will hardly believe,
how much it altered her Perfon for the worſe. Yef-
terday I ordered the Carcaſe of a Beau to be ſtripped
in my Prefence; when we were all amazed to find
fo many unfufpected Faults under one Suit of Cloaths.
Then I laid open his Brain, his Heart, and his Spleen:
But I plainly perceived at every Operation, that the
farther we proceeded, we found the Defects increaſe
upon us in Number and Bulk: From all which, I
justly formed this Conclufion to myfélf; That what-
ever Philofopher or Projector can find out an Art to
fodder and patch up the Flaws and Imperfections of
Nature, will deferve much better of Mankind, and
teach us a more uſeful Science, than that fo much in
prefent Efteem, of widening and expofing them,
(like him who held Anatomy to be the ultimate End
of Phyfic.) And he, whofe Fortunes and Difpofitions
have placed him in a convenient Station to enjoy the
Fruits
A Digreffion, &c.
121
Fruits of this noble Art; he that can with Epicurus
content his Ideas with the Films and Images that fly
off upon his Senfes from the Superficies of Things;
fuch a Man, truly wife, creams off Nature, leaving
the Sour and the Dregs, for Philoſophy and Reaſon to
lay up. This is the Sublime and refined Point ofFelici-
ty, called, the Poffeffion of being well Deceived; the
Serene Peaceful State of being a Fool among Knaves.
!
BUT to return to Madness. It is certain, that ac-
cording to the Syſtem I have above deduced; every
Species thereof proceeds from a Redundancy of Vapours;
therefore, as fome Kinds of Phrenzy give double
Strength to the Sinews, fo there are of other Species,
which add Vigour, and Life, and Spirit to the Brain :
Now, it ufually happens, that thefe active Spirits,
getting Poffeffion of the Brain, refemble thofe that
haunt other wafte and empty Dwellings, which, for
want of Bufinefs, either vanifh, and carry away a
Piece of the Houſe, or elſe ſtay at home and fling it
all out of the Windows. By which are myftically
difplayed the two principal Branches of Madness, and
which fome Philofophers, not confidering ſo well as
I, have mistook to be different in their Cauſes, over-
haftily affigning the firft to Deficiency, and the other
to Redundance.
I THINK it therefore manifeft, from what I have
here advanced, that the main Point of Skill and Ad-
drefs, is to furnish Employment for this Redundancy
of Vapour, and prudently to adjuſt the Seaſon of it
by which means it may certainly become of Cardinal
and Catholie Emolument in a Commonwealth. Thus
one Man chufing a proper Juncture, leaps into a Gulph,
from whence proceeds a Hero, and is called the Sa-
viour of his Country; another atchieves the fame En-
terprize, but, unluckily timing it, has left the Brand
of
122
A Digreſſion, &c.
of Madness, fixed as a Reproach upon his Memory;
upon ſo nice a Diftinction are we taught to repeat the
Name of Curtius with Reverence and Love; that of
Empedocles, with Hatred and Contempt. Thus, al-
fo it is ufually conceived, that the elder Brutus only
perfonated the Fool and Mad-man for the Good of the
Public, but this was nothing elſe, than a Redundan-
cy of the fame Vapour, long mifapplied, called by the
Latins, Ingenium par negotiis: Or, (to tranflate it
as nearly as I can) a Sort of Phrenzy, never in its right
Elements, till you take it up in the Buſineſs of the State.
*
UPON all which, and many other Reaſons of e-
qual Weight, though not equally curious; I do here
gladly embrace an Opportunity I have long fought
for, of recommending it as a very noble Undertaking,
to Sir Ed S r, Sir Cr Mve.
وله
Sir 7-
·n B
·ls, J.
·n H
Efq; and other Patriots concerned, that they would
move for Leave to bring in a Bill, for appointing Com-
miffioners to infpect into Bedlam, and the Parts adja-
cent; who fhall be impowered to fend for Perfons,
Papers, and Records; to examine into the Merits and
Qualifications of every Student and Profeſſor ; to ob-
ferve with utmoſt Exactneſs their feveral Difpofitions
and Behaviour; by which means, duly diftinguifh-
ing and adapting their Talents, they might produce
admirable Inftruments for the feveral Offices in a
State,
Civil and Mili-
tary, proceeding in fuch Methods as I fhall here hum-
bly propofe. And, I hope the gentle Reader will
give fome Allowance to my great Solicitudes in this
important Affair, upon account of that high Efteem
I have born that honourable Society, whereof I had
fome Time the Happineſs to be an unworthy Member.
* 業 ​*
* Tacit.
*
I s
·Ear.boy
A Digreffion, &c.
123
Is any Student tearing his Straw in piece-meal,
Swearing and Blafpheming, biting his Grate, foam-
ing at the Mouth, and emptying his Piffpot in the
Spectator's Faces? Let the Right Worſhipful, the Com
miffioners of Inspection, give him a Regiment of Dra-
goons, and fend him into Flanders among the rest. Is
another eternally talking, ſputtering, gaping, bawl-
ing in a Sound without Period or Article? What wɔn-
derful Talents are here miſlaid! Let him be furniſhed
immediately with a green Bag and Papers, and * three
Pence in his Pocket, and away with him to Weft-
minster-Hall. You will find a third, gravely taking
the Dimenfions of his Kennel; a Perfon of Forefight
and Infight, tho' kept quite in the Dark; for why,
like Mofes, Ecce + cornuta erat ejus facies. He walks
duly in one Pace, intreats your Penny with due Gra-
vity and Ceremony; talks much of hard Times, and
Taxes, and the Whore of Babylon; Bars up the wood-
en Window of his Cell conftantly at eight a-clock :
Dreams of Fire, and Shoplifters, and Court Customers,
and Privileged Places. Now, what a Figure would
all theſe Acquirements amount to, if the Owner
were fent into the City among his Brethren! Behold
a Fourth, in much and deep Converfation with him-
felf, biting his Thumbs at proper Junctures; his
Countenance chequered with Bufinefs and Defign ;
fometimes walking very faft, with his Eyes nailed to
a Paper that he holds in his Hands: A great Saver
of Time, fomewhat thick of Hearing, very fhort of
Sight, but more of Memory. A Man ever in hafte, a
great Hatcher and Breeder of Buſineſs, and excellent
at the famous Art of whispering Nothing. A huge
* A Lawyer's Coach-hire.
+ Cornatus, is either Horned or Shining, and by this
Term, Mofes is defcribed in the vulgar Latin of the Bible.
Idolater
L
124
A Digreſſion, &c.
+
Idolater of Monfayllables and Procraſtination; ſe rea-
dy to give his Word to every Body, that he never
keeps it. One that has forgot the common Meaning
of Words, but an admirable Retainer of the Sound.
Extremely ſubject to the Looseness, for his Occafions
are perpetually calling him away. If you approach
his Grate in his familiar Intervals; Sir, fays he, Give
me a Penny, and I'll fing you a Song: But give me the
Penny firft. (Hence comes the common Saying, and
commoner Practice, of parting with Money for a
Song.) What a compleat Syftem of Court Skill is
here deſcribed in every Branch of it, and all utterly loft
with wrong Application? Accoft the Hole of another
Kennel, first stopping your Noſe, you will behold a
furly, gloomy, nafty flavenly Mortal, raking in his
own Dung, and dabbling in his Urine. The beft Part
of his Diet, is the Reverfion of his own Ordure,
which, expiring into Steams, whirls perpetually a-
bout, and at last re-infunds. His Complexion is of
a dirty Yellow, with a thin fcattered Beard, exactly
agreeable to that of his Diet, upon its firſt Declina.
tion like other Infects, who having their Birth and
Education in an Excrement, from thence borrow their
Colour and their Smell. The Student of this Apart-
ment is very fparing of his Words, but fomewhat
over-liberal of his Breath; he holds his Hand out
ready to receive your Penny, and immediately, upon
Receipt, withdraws to his former Occupations. Now,
is it not amazing to think, the Society of Warwick-
lane ſhould have no more Concern, for the Recovery
of fo uſeful a Member, who, if one may judge from
thefe Appearances, would become the greatest Orna-
ment to that illuftrious Body? Another Student ſtruts
up fiercely to your Teeth, puffing with his Lips, half
fqueefing out his Eyes, and very gracioufly holds
you out his Hand to kifs. The Keeper defires you
not
A Digreffion, &c.
129
hot to be afraid of this Profeffor, for he will do you
no hart: To him alone is allowed the Liberty of the
Ànti chamber, and the Orator of the Place gives you
to underſtand, that this ſolemn Perfon is a Taylor, run
mad with Pride. This confiderable Student is adorn-
ed with many other Qualities, upon which at preſent
I ſhall not farther enlarge.
+ Heark in your
Ear
I am ftrangely miſtaken, if all his Ad-
drefs, his Motions, and his Airs, would not then be
very natural, and in their proper Element.
I SHALL not defcend fo minutely, as to infift upon
the vaſt Number of Beaux, Fidlers, Poets, and Politi-
cians, that the World might recover by fuch a Re-
formation? But what is more material, befides the
clear Gain redounding to the Commonwealth, by fo
large an Acquifition of Perfons to employ, whofe Ta-
lents and Acquirements, if I may be fo bold to af
firm it, are now buried, or at leaft mifapplied: It
would be a mighty Advantage accruing to the Public
from this Enquiry, that all theſe would very much ex
cel, and arrive at great Perfection in their ſeveraļ
Kinds; which, I think, is manifeft, from what f
have already fhewn; and fhall enforce by this one
plain Inftance; that even, I myſelf, the Author of
theſe momentous Truths, am a Perfon, whoſe Ima-
ginations are hard-mouth'd and exceedingly difpofed
to run away with his Reason, which I have obferved
from long Experience, to be a very light Rider, and
eafily fhook off; upon which Account, my Friends
will never truft me alone, without a folemn Promife,
to vent my Speculations in this, or the like Manner,
I cannot conjecture what the Author means here,
or how this Chafm could be filled, tho' it is capable of
more than one Interprétation.
L 2
for
126
A TALE
for the univerfal Benefit of Human Kind; which, per
haps, the gentle, courteous, and candid Reader, brim-
ful of that Modern Charity and Tenderneſs, ufually
annexed to his Office, will be very hardly perfuaded
to believe.
I
SECT. X.
ATALE of a TUB.
T is an unanswerable Argument of a very
refined
Age, the wonderful Civilities that have paffed of
late Years, between the Nation of Authors, and
that of Readers. There can hardly pop out a Play,
a Pamphlet, or a Poem, without a Preface full of
Acknowledgement to the World, for the general Re-
ception and Applauſe they have given it, which the
Lord knows where, or when, or how, or from whom
it received. In due Deference to fo laudable a Cuf-
tom, I do here return my humble Thanks to His Ma-
jefly, and both Houſes of Parliament; To the Lords
of the King's moſt honourable Privy-Council; To
the Reverend the Judges; To the Clergy, and Gentry,
and Yeomanry of this Land: But in a more eſpecial
Manner, to my worthy Brethren and Friends at Will's
Coffee-Houfe, and Gresham-College, and Warwick lane,
and Moor-Fields, and Scotland-Yard, and Weftminster-
Hall, and Guild-Hall: In fhort, to all Inhabitants
and Retainers whatſoever, either in Court, or Church,
or Camp, or City, or Country; for their generous
and univerſal Acceptance of this divine Treatife. I
This is literally true, as we may obſerve in the
Prefaces to moft Plays, Poems, &c.
accept
of a TUB.
127
accept their Approbation and good Opinion with ex-
treme Gratitude, and, to the utmost of my poor Ca-
pacity, fhall take hold of all Opportunities to return
the Obligation.
I AM alfo happy, that Fate has flung me into fo
bleffed an Age for the mutual Felicity of Bookfellers
and Authors, whom I may fafely affirm to be at this
Day the two only fatisfy'd Parties in England. Ask an
Author how his laft Piece hath fucceeded: Why, truly,
be thanks his Stars, the World has been very favoura-
ble, and he has not the leaft Reaſon to complain: And
yet, By G-, He writ it in a Week at Bits and Starts,
when he could fteal an Hour from his urgent Affairs; as
it is a hundred to one, you may fee farther in the
Preface, to which he refers you; and for the reft, to
the Bookfeller. There you go as a Cuftomer, and
make the fame Queſtion: He bleffes his God the Thing
takes wonderfully, he is juft Printing the Second Editi-
on, and has but three left in his Shop. You beat down
the Price: Sir, we shall not differ; and, in hopes of
your Cuſtom another Time, lets you have it as rea-
ſonable as you pleaſe; and, pray ſend as many of your
Acquaintance as you will, I shall upon your Account
furnish them all at the fame Rate.
Now, it is not well enough conſider'd, to what
Accidents and Occafions the World is indebted for the
greateſt Part of thoſe noble Writings; which hourly
ſtart up to entertain it. If it were not for a rainy
Day, a drunken Virgil, a Fit of the Spleen, a Course of
Phyfic, a fleepy Sunday, an ill Run at Dice, a long
Taylor's Bill, a Beggar's Purfe, a factious Head, a bat
Sun, coftive Diet, Want of Books, and a juft Contempt
of Learning: But for thefe Events, I fay, and fome
others too long to recite (eſpecially a prudent Neglect
of taking Brimftone inwardly) I doubt the Number
L 3
of
128
ATALE
of Authors, and of Writings, would dwindle away to
a Degree moft woful to behold. To confirm this Opi-
nion, hear the Words of the famous Troglodyte Philo-
fopher: It is certain (ſaid he) ſome Grains of Folly are
of Courſe annexed as Part of the Compofition of Human
Nature, only the Choice is left us, whether we please
to wear them Inlaid or Emboffed: And we need not ga
very far to feek bow that is ufually determined, when
we remember, it is with Human Faculties as with Li-
quors, the Lighteft will be ever at the Top.
THERE is in this famous Ifland of Britain a cer-
tain paultry Scribbler, very voluminous, whofe Cha-
racter the Reader cannot wholly be a Stranger to. He
deals in a pernicious Kind of Writings, called Second
Parts, and ufually paffes under the Name of The Au-
thor of the Firft. I eafily forefee, that as foon as I lay
down my Pen, this nimble Operator will have ftole
it, and treat me as inhumanly as he hath already done
Dr. Bl -re, L-ge, and many others who ſhall
here be nameleſs; I therefore fly for Juſtice and Re-
lief, into the Hands of that great Redifier of Saddles and
Lover of Mankind, Dr. B-tley, begging he will take
this enormous Grievance into his moft Modern Confi-
deration: And if it fhould fo happen, that the Furni-
ture of an Afs, in the Shape of a Second Part, muft for
my Sins be clapped by a Miſtake upon my Back, that he
will immediately pleafe, in the Prefence of the World,
to lighten me of the Burthen, and take it home to his
own Houſe, till the true Beaſt thinks fit to call for it,
In the mean time I do here give this public No-
tice, that my Refolutions are, to circumfcribe within
this Difcourfe the whole Stock of Matter I have been
fo many Years providing. Since my Vein is once open-
ed, I am content to exhauft it all at a Running, for the
peculiar Advantage of my dear Country, and for the
univerfal
of a TUB
129
univerfal Benefit of Mankind. Therefore hofpitably.
confidering the Number of my Gueſts, they fhall have
my whole Entertainment at a Meal; and I ſcorn to
fet up the Leavings in the Cupboard. What the Guests
cannot eat may be given to the Poor, and the || Dogs
under the Table may gnaw the Bones. This I under-
ftand for a more generous Proceeding, than to turn the
Company's Stomach, by inviting them again To-mor-
row to a ſcurvy Meal of Scraps.
If the Reader fairly confiders the Strength of what
I have advanced in the foregoing Section, I am con-
vinced it will produce a wonderful Revolution in his
Notions and Opinions; and he will be abundantly bet-
ter prepared to receive and to relish the concluding
Part of this miraculous Treatiſe. Readers may be di-
vided into three Claffes, the Superficial, the Ignorant,
and the Learned: And I have with much Felicity fitted
my Pen to the Genius and Advantage of each. The
Superficial Reader will be ftrangely provoked to Laugh-
ter; which clears the Breaft and the Lungs, is fove-
reign against the Spleen, and the most innocent of all
Diuretics. The Ignorant Reader (between whom
and the former, the Diſtinction is extremely nice) will
find himſelf difpofed to Stare; which is an admirable
Remedy for ill Eyes, ferves to raiſe and enliven the
Spirits, and wonderfully helps Perfpiration. But the
Reader truly Learned, chiefly for whoſe Benefit I wake
when others fleep, and fleep when others wake, will
here find fufficient Matter to employ his Speculations.
for the rest of his Life. It were much to be wifh'd,
and I do here humbly propofe for an Experiment, that
|| By Dogs, the Author means common injudicious Cri-.
tics, as he explains it himself before in his Digreffion
upon Critics (Page 63.)
L4
every
130
ATALE
every Prince in Chriftendom will take feven of the
deepest Scholars in his Dominions, and fhut them up
cloſe for ſeven Years, in feven Chambers, with a Com-
mand to write ſeven ample Commentaries on this
comprehenſive Diſcourſe. I fhall venture to affirm,
that whatever Difference may be found in their ſeve-
ral Conjectures, they will be all, without the leaft
Diſtortion, manifeftly deducible from the Text.
Mean Time, it is my earneft Requeſt, that ſo uſeful
an Undertaking may be entered upon (if their Ma-
jefties pleaſe) with all convenient Speed; becauſe I
have a ſtrong Inclination, before I leave the World,
to taſte a Bleffing, which we myſterious Writers can
feldom reach, till we have got into our Graves.
Whether it is, that Fame being a Fruit grafted on the
Body, can hardly grow, and much lefs ripen, till
the Stock is in the Earth: Or, whether fhe be a Bird
of Prey, and is lured among the reſt, to purſue after
the Scent of a Carcafs: Or, whether the conceives,
her Trumpet founds beſt and fartheft, when ſhe ſtands
on a Tomb, by the Advantage of a rifing Ground,
and the Echo of a hollow Vault,
It is true, indeed, the Republic of dark Authors,
after they once found out this excellent Expedient of
Dying, have been peculiarly happy in the Variety, as
well as Extent of their Reputation, For, Night being
the univerfal Mother of Things, wife Philofophers
hold all Writings to be fruitful in the Proportion they
are dark ; and therefore, the * true illuminated (that
is to ſay, the Darkeſt of all) have met with fuch num-
berlefs Commentators, whofe Scholaftic Midwifery
hath delivered them of Meanings, that the Authors
themſelves, perhaps, never conceived, and yet may
* A Name of the Rofycrucians.
very
of a TUP,
131
wery juſtly be allowed the lawful Parents of them, †
the Words of fuch Writers being like Seed, which,
however ſcattered at random, when they light upon
a fruitful Ground, will multiply far beyond either the
Hopes or Imagination of the Sower.
AND therefore in order to promote ſo uſeful a Work,
I will here take leave to glance a few Innuendo's, that
may be of great Affiftance to thoſe fublime Spirits, who
ſhall be appointed to labour in a univerfal Comment
upon this wonderful Diſcourſe. And Firſt, † I have
couched a very profound Myftery in the Number of
O's multiply'd by Seven, and divided by Nine. Alſo,
if a devout Brother of the Rofy Crofs will pray fer-
vently for fixty three Mornings, with a lively Faith,
and then tranſpoſe certain Letters and Syllables ac-
cording to Preſcription, in the ſecond and fifth Sec-
tion; they will certainly reveal into a full Receipt
of the Opus Magnum. Laftly, whoever will be at the
Pains to cultivate the whole Number of each Letter
in this Treatiſe, and fum up the Difference exactly
between the feveral Numbers, affigning the true na-
tural Cauſe for every ſuch Difference; the Diſcoveries
in the Product, will plentifully reward his Labour.
But then he must beware of || Bythus and Sige, and
be fure not to forget the Qualities of Acamoth '; A cu-
jus lacrymis humecta prodit Subftantia, a riju lucida, a
triftitia
† Nothing is more frequent, than for Commentators
to force Interpretations, which the Author never meant.
This is what the Cabbalifts among the Jews have
done with the Bible, and pretend to find wonderful Myf
teries by it.
|| I was told by an eminent Divine, whom I confulted
on this Point, that these two barbarous Words, with
that of Acamoth, and its Qualities, as here fet down,
are
i 32
TALE
triftitia folida, a timore mobilis; wherein Euge-
nius Philalethes hath committed an unpardonable
Miſtake.
are quoted from Irenæus. This he discovered by ſearch-
ing that antiens Writer for another Quotation of our
Author, which he has placed in the Title Page, and
refers to the Book and Chapter; the Curious were very
inquifitive, whether thofe barbarous Words, Bafima
Eacabafa, &c. are really in Irenæus, and upon Enqui-
ry, 'twas found they were a Sort of Cant or Jargon of
certain Heretics, and therefore very properly prefixed
to ſuch a Book as this of our Author.
* Vid. Anima magica abfcondita.
To the abovementioned Treatife, called Anthropo-
fophia Theomagica, there is another annexed, called A-
nima Magica Abfcondita, written by the fame Author,
Vaughan, under the Name of Eugenius Philalethes, but
in neither of thofe Treatifes is there any Mention of Aca-
moth, or its Qualities, ſo that this is nothing but A-
mufement, and a Ridicule of dark, unintelligible Wri
ters; only the Words, A cujus lacrymis, &c. are, as
aye have faid, tranfcribed from Irenæus, tho' I know
npt from what Part. I believe one of the Author's
Deſigns was to fet curious Men a hunting thro' Indexes,
and enquiring for Books out of the common Road.
A
SECT.
IX.
ATALE of a TU B.
FTER fo wide a Compafs as I have wandered,
I do now gladly overtake, and cloſe in with my
Subject, and fhall henceforth hold on with it an
even Face to the End of my Journey, except fome beau
tiful
of a TU B.
133
tiful Proſpect appears within Sight of my Way, where-
of, tho' at prefent I have neither Warning nor Expec-
tation, yet upon fuch an Accident, come when it will,
I ſhall beg my Reader's Favour and Company, allow-
ing me to conduct him thro' it along with myſelf.
For in Writing, it is as in Travelling, If a Man is in
Hafte to be at Home (which I acknowledge to be
none of my Cafe, having never fo little Bufinefs, as
when I am there) if his Horfe be tired with long Ri-
ding, and ill Ways, or be naturally a Jade, I advife
him clearly to make the ftraiteft and the commoneft
Road, be it ever fo dirty: But, then furely, we muſt
own ſuch a Mạn to be a ſcurvy Companion at beſt
he Spatters himſelf and his Fellow Travellers at every
Step: All their Thoughts, and Wiſhes, and Conver-
fation, turn intirely upon the Subject of their Jour-
ney's End; and at every Splafh, and Plunge, and
Stumble, they heartily wiſh one another at the Devil.
;
On the other Side, when a Traveller and his Horſe
are in Heart and Plight, when his Purfe is full, and the
Day before him; he takes the Road only where it is
clean and convenient; entertains his Company there as
agreeable as he can ; but, upon the firft Occafion, car-
ries them along with him to every delightful Scene in
View, whether of Art, of Nature, or of both; and if
they chance to refufe, out of Stupidity or Wearinefs,
let them jog on by themſelves and be d-nd: He'll
overtake them at the next Town; at which arriving.
he rides furiouſly thro', the Men, Women, and Chil-
dren run out to gaze, a hundred || noiſy Curs run bark-
ing after him, of which, if he honours the boldeft with
a Laſh of his Whip, it is rather out of Sport than Re-
By these are meant what the Author calls, The
True Critics, Page 63.
venge;
134
ATALE
venge: But fhould fome fourer Mongrel dare too near
an Approach, he receives a Salute on the Chaps, by
an accidental Stroke from the Courfer's Heels (nor is
any Ground loft by the Blow) which fends him yelp-
ing and limping home.
I Now proceed to fum up the fingular Adventures
of my renowned Jack; the State of whofe Difpofi-
tions and Fortunes, the careful Reader does, no doubt,
moft exactly remember, as I laſt parted with them in
the Conclufion of a former Section. Therefore his
next Care must be from two of the foregoing, to ex-
tract a Scheme of Notions, that may beſt fit his Un-
derſtanding for a true Relifh of what is to enfue.
JACK had not only calculated the firſt Revolution
of his Brain fo prudently, as to give Rife to that Epi-
demic Sect of Æolifts, but fucceeding alſo into a new
and ftrange Variety of Conceptions, the Fruitfulneſs
of his Imagination led him into certain Notions,
which, altho' in Appearance very unaccountable, were
not without their Myſteries and their Meanings, nor
wanted Followers to countenance and improve them,
I fhall therefore be extremely careful and exact in re-
counting fuch material Paffages of this Nature, as I
have been able to collect, either from undoubted Tra-
dition, or indefatigable Reading, and ſhall deſcribe
them as graphically as it is poffible, and as far as No-
tions of that Height and Latitude can be brought with,
in the Compafs of a Pen. Nor do I at all queſtion, but
they will furniſh plenty of noble Matter for fuch, whofe
converting Imaginations diſpoſe them to reduce all
Things into Types; who can make Shadows, no
Thanks to the Sun; and then mould them into Subftan-
ces, no Thanks to Philoſophy; whofe peculiar Ta-
lent lies in fixing Tropes and Allegories to the Let-
ter, and refining what is Literal into Figure and My-
fiery.
JACK
If a TUB.
137
JACK had provided a fair Copy of his Father's
Will, engroffed in Form upon a large Skin of Parch-
ment; and refolving to act the Part of a moſt dutiful
Son, he became the fondeft Creature of it imaginable.
For, altho', as I have often told the Reader, it confifted
wholly in certain plain, eaſy Directions about the Ma
nagement and Wearing their Coats, with Legacies and
Penalties, in Cafe of Obedience or Neglect; yet he
began to entertain a Fancy, that the Matter was deeper
and darker, and therefore muſt needs have a great deal
more of Myſtery at the Bottom. Gentlemen, faid he,
I will prove this very Skin of Parchment to be Meat,
Drink, and Cloth, to be the Philofopher's Stone, and the
Univerſal Medicine. * In Conſequence of which Rap-
tures, he refolved to make Uſe of it in the moſt necef-
fary, as well as the moſt paltry Occafions of Life. He
had a Way of working it into any Shape he pleafed;
ſo that it ſerved him for a Night-cap when he went to
Bed, and for an Umbrello in rainy Weather. He would
lap a Piece of it about a fore Toe, or, when he had
Fits, burn two Inches under his Nofe; or, if any
Thing lay heavy on his Stomach, ſcrape off, and fwal-
low as much of the Powder as would lie on a filver
Penny, they were all infallible Remedies. With Ana-
logy to theſe Refinements, his common Talk and Con-
verſation, † ran wholly in the Phraſe of his Will, and
3.
* The Author here lashes thofe Pretenders to Purity.
who place fo much Merit in ufing Scripture Phrafe on all
Occafions.
+ The Proteftant Diffenters ufe Scripture Phraſes in
their ferious Difcourfes and Compofures, more than the
Church-of-England Men; accordingly Jack is intro-
duced, making his common Talk and Converſation to rax
wholly in the Phrafe of his WILL. W. Wotton.
be
+36
7 TALE
he circumfcribed the utmoſt of his Eloquence within
that Compafs, not daring to let flip a Syllable without
Authority from thence. Once, at a strange Houfe, he
was fuddenly taken fhort, upon an urgent Juncture,
whereon it may not be allowed too particular to dilate;
and being not able to call to mind, with that Sudden-
nefs the Occafion required, an authentic Phrafe for
demanding the Way to the Back-fide, he chofe ra-
ther, as the moſt prudent Courſe, to incur the Penal-
ty in fuch Cafes afually annexed. Neither was it pof-
fible for the united Rhetoric of Mankind to prevail with
him to make him felf clean again: Becauſe, having con
fulted the Will upon this Emergency, he met with a
Paffage near the Bottom (whether foifted in by the
Tranſcriber, is not known) which feemed to forbid it.
E
He made it a Part of his Religion, never to faỳ
+ Grace to his Meat, nor could all the World per-
fuade him, as the common Phrafe is, to eat his Vic-
tuals like a Chriftian.
He bore a ſtrange Kind of Appetite to Snap-Dra-
gon, and to the livid Snuffs of a burning Candle, which
he would catch and ſwallow with an Agility wonder-
I cannot guess the Author's Meaning here, which,
I would be very glad to know, becauſe it ſeems to be of
Importance.
+ The flovenly Way of receiving the Sacrament a-
mong the Fanatics.
This is a common Phrafe to express eating cleanlily,
and is meant for an Invective against that indecent
Manner among fome People in receiving the Sacrament 3
fo in the Lines before, which is to be underfood of the
Diffenters refusing to kneel at the Sacrament.
* I cannot well find out the Author's Meaning here,
unless it be the hot, untimely, blind Zeal of Enthufiafts.
ful
of a TU B.
137
ful to conceive; and, by this Procedure, maintained a
perpetual Flame in his Belly, which iffuing in a glow-
ing Steam from both his Eyes, as well as his Noftrils,
and his Mouth, made his Head appear in a dark
Night, like the Skull of an Afs, wherein a roguiſh
Boy had convey'd a Farthing Candle, to the Terror of
bis Majefty's Liege Subjects. Therefore he made ufe of
no other Expedient to light himſelf Home, but was
wont to fay, That a wife Man was his own Lanthorn.
He would ſhut his Eyes as he walked along the
Streets, and if he happen'd to bounce his Head againſt a
Poft, or fall into the Kennel (as he feldom miffed either
to do one or both) he would tell the gibing 'Prenti-
ces, who looked on, that he ſubmitted with intire Re-
fignation, as to a Trip, or a Blow of Fate, with whom
be found, by long Experience, how vain it was either to
wrefile or to cuff; and whoever durft undertake to do
either, would be fure to come off with a fwinging Fall,
or a bloody Nofe. It was ordained, faid he, fome few
Days before the Creation, that my Nofe and this very
Poft should have a Rencounter; and therefore, Nature
thought fit to fend us both into the World in the fame Age,
and to make us Country-Men, and Fellow Citizens. Now,
had my Eyes been open, it is very likely, the Bufinefs
might have been a great deal worse; for how many a
confounded Slip is daily got by Man, with all his Fore-
fight about him? Befides, the Eyes of the Understanding
fee beft, when thofe of the Senfes are out of the Way';
and therefore, blind Men are obferved to tread their Steps
with much more Caution, and Condu&t, and Judgment,
than thoſe who rely with two much Confidence, upon the
Virtue of the viſual Nerve, which every little Acci-
dent Shakes out of Order, and a Drop, or a Film, can
wholly difconcert; like a Lanthorn among a Pack of
Foaring Bullies, when they ſcower the Streets; expofing
its
138
ATALE
ay
its Owner, and itſelf, to outward Kicks and Buffets,
which both might have efcaped, if the Vanity of Ap-
pearing would have fuffered them to walk in the Dark.
But, farther; if we examine the Conduct of these boaft-
ed Lights, it will prove yet a great deal worſe than
their Fortune. It is true, I have broke my Nofe against
this Poft, becauſe Fortune either forgot, or did not think
it convenient to twitch me by the Elbow, and give me
Notice to avoid it. But, let not this encourage either
the prefent Age or Pofterity, to trust their Nofes into the
Keeping of their Eyes, which may prove the fairest We
of lofing them for good and all. For, Oye Eyes, Ye
blind Guides; miferable Guardians are Ye, of our frail
Nofes; Ye, I fay, who faften upon the firft Precipice
in View, and then tow our wretched willing Bodies
after You, to the very Brink of Deftruction: But, alas!
that Brink is rotten, our Feet flip, and we tumble down
prone into a Gulph, without one hoſpitable Shrub in the
Way to break the Fall; a Fall, to which not any Nofe
of mortal Make is equal, except that of the Giant *
Laurcalco, who was Lord of the Silver Bridge. Moft
properly, therefore, O Eyes, and with great Juftice,
You be compared to thofe foolish Lights, which con
duct Men thro' Dirt and Darkness, 'till they fall into
a deep Pit, or a noifom Bog.
may
THIS I have produced, as a Scantling of Jack's
great Eloquence, and the Force of his Reasoning upon
fuch abftruſe Matters.
i
$
HE was, befides, a Perfon of great Defign and Im-
provement in Affairs of Devotion, having introduced
a new Deity, who hath fince met with a vaſt num-
ber of Worshippers; by fome called Babel, by others,
* Vide Don Quixote.
Chaos;
of a TUB.
139
Chaos; who had an antient Temple of Gothic Struc-
ture upon Saliſbury-Plain; famous for its Shrine, and
Celebration by Pilgrims.
+ WHEN he had fome roguiſh Trick to play, he
would down with his Knees, up with his Eyes, and
fall to Prayers, tho' in the midſt of the Kennel. Then
it was that thoſe, who underſtood his Pranks, would
be fure to get far enough out of his Way; and when-
ever Curioſity attracted Strangers to laugh, or to liften,
he would of a fudden, with one Hand out with his
Gear, and pifs full in their Eyes, and with the other
all to befpatter them with Mud.
IN Winter he went always looſe and unbuttoned,
and clad as thin as poffible, to let in the ambient
Heat, and, in Summer, lapp'd himſelf cloſe and thick
to keep it out.
IN all Revolutions of Government, he would make
his Court for the Office of Hangman General; and in
the Exerciſe of that Dignity, wherein he was very
dextrous, would make uſe of no * other Vizard, than
a long Prayer.
He had a Tongue fo Mufculous and Subtile, that
he could twift it up into his Nofe, and deliver a
+ The Villainies and Cruelties, committed by Enthu-
fiafts and Fanatics among us, were all performed under
the Difguife of Religion and long Prayers.
They affect Differences in Habit and Behaviour.
They are fevere Perfecutors, and all in a Form of
Cant and Devotion.
* Cromwell and his Confederates went, as they
called it, to feek God, when they refolved to murther
the King.
M
ftrange
140
ATALE
ftrange Kind of Speech from thence. He was alfo
the first in thefe Kingdoms, who began to improve
the Spanish Accomplishment of Braying; and having
large Ears, perpetually expofed and arrected, he car-
ried his Art to fuch a Perfection, that it was a Point
of great Difficulty to diftinguifh, either by the View.
or the Sound, between the Original and the Copy.
HE was troubled with a Diſeaſe, reverſe to that
called the Stinging of the Tarantula ; and would † run
Dog-mad at the Noife of Mufic, eſpecially a Pair of
Bag-pipes. But he would cure himſelf again, by ta-
king two or three Turns in Westminster-hall, or Bib-
lingfgate, or in a Boarding-School, or the Royal-Ex-
change, or a State Coffee-Houſe.
He was a Perfon that I feared no Colours, but mor-
tally hated all, and, upon that Account, bore a crael
Averfion to Painters ; infomuch that in his Paroxyfms,
as he walked the Streets, he would have his Pockets
loaden with Stones, to pelt at the Signs.
HAVING, from this Manner of Living, frequent
Occafion to wash himſelf, he would often leap over
Head and Ears into Water, tho' it were in the midſt
of the Winter, but was always obferved to come out
again much dirtier, if poffible, than he went in.
He was the first that ever found out the Secret of
contriving a || Soporiferous Medicine to be conveyed in
at
+ This is to expofe our Diffenters Averfion to Infiru-
mental Mufic in Churches. W. Wotton.
* ‡ They quarrel at the most innocent Decency and Or-
nament, and deface the Statues and Paintings on all
the Churches in England.
# Fanatic Preaching, compofed either of Hell and
Damnation,
if a TUB
141
at the Ears; it was a Compound of Sulphur, and
Balm of Gilead, with a little Pilgrim's Salve.
He wore a large Plaiſter of artificial Cauſtics on
his Stomach, with the Fervour of which, he could
fet himſelf a groaning, like the famous Board upon
Application of a red-hot Iron.
*HE would ftand in the Turning of a Street, and,
calling to thoſe who paffed by, would cry to one,
Worthy Sir, do me the Honour of a good Slap in the
Chaps. To another, Honeft Friend, pray favour me
with a handsome Kick on the Arfe: Madam, ſhall I in-
treat a fmall Box on the Ear, from your Ladyship's fair
Hands? Noble Captain, lend a reafonable Thwack, for
the Love of God, with that Cane of yours, over theſt
poor Shoulders. And when he had, by fuch earneſt
Sollicitations, made a Shift to procure a Baſting fuffi-
cient to fwell up his Fancy and his Sides, he would
return home extremely comforted, and full of terrible
Accounts of what he had undergone for the Public
Good. Obferve this Stroke, (faid he, fhewing his bare
Shoulders) a plaguy Janizary gave it me this very
Morning at feven a Clock, as, with much ado, I was
driving off the Great Turk. Neighbours, mind, this
broken Head deferves a Plaifter; had poor Jack been
tender of his Noddle, you would have ſeen the Pope, and
the French King, long before this Time of Day, among
your Wives and your Ware-boufes. Dear Chriftians,
Damnation, or a fulfome Defcription of the Joys of Hea
ven, both in fuch a dirty, naufeaus Style, as to be well
refembled to Pilgrim's Salve.
*The Fanatics bave always had a Way of affecting
to run into Perfecution, and count vaft Merit upon every
little Hardship they fuffer.
M 2
the
142
ATALE
the Great Mogul was come as far as White-Chappel,
and you may thank theſe poor Sides, that he hath not
(God bless us) already fwallowed up Man, Woman,
and Child.
+ IT was highly worth obferving, the fingular
Effects of that Averfion, or Antipathy, which Jack
and his Brother Peter feemed, even to an Affectation,
to bear towards each other. Peter had lately done
Some Rogueries, that forced him to abfcond; and he
feldom ventured to itir out before Night, for fear of
Bayliffs. Their Lodgings were at the two moft dif-
tant Parts of the Town from each other; and when-
ever their Occafions or Humours called them abroad,
they would make choice of the oddeft unlikely Times,
and moft uncouth Rounds, they could invent; that
they might be fure to avoid one another: Yet, after
all this, it was their perpetual Fortune to meet. The
Reaſon of which, is eafy enough to apprehend; For,
the Phrenzy and the Spleen of both having the fame
Foundation, we may look upon them as two Pair of
Compaffes, equally extended, and the fixed Foot of
each remaining in the fame Center; which, tho' mov-
ing contrary Ways at firft, will be fure to encounter
+ The Papifts and Fanatics, though they appear the
moft averse to each other, yet bear a near Refemblance
in many Things, as has been obferved by learned Men.
Ibid. The Agreement of our Diffenters and the Pa-
pifts, in that which Bishop Stillingfleet called, The Fa-
naticifm of the Church of Rome, is ludicrously defcribed
for feveral Pages together, by Jack's Likeness to Peter,
and their being often mistaken for each other, and
their frequent Meetings when they leaft intended it. W.
Wotton.
fome-
of a TUB.
143
Befides,
fomewhere or other in the Circumference.
it was among the great Misfortunes of Jack, to bear
a huge Perſonal Refemblance with his Brother Peter.
Their Humour and Difpofitions were not only the
fame, but there was a clofe Analogy in their Shape
and Size, and their Mien; infomuch, as nothing was
more frequent than for a Bayliff to feize Jack by the
Shoulders, and cry, Mr. Peter, You are the King's
Priſoner. Or, at other Times, for one of Peter's
neareſt Friends, to accoft Jack with open Arms, Dear
Peter, I am glad to see thee, pray fend me one of your
beft Medicines for the Worms. This, we may fuppofe,
was a mortifying Return of thoſe Pains and Proceed-
ings, Jack had laboured in fo long; and finding, how
directly oppofite all his Endeavours had anfwered to
the fole End and Intention, which he had propoſed
to himself; how could it avoid having terrible Effects
upon a Head and Heart fo furnished as his? Howe-
ver, the poor Remainders of his Coat bore all the Pu-
niſhment; the orient Sun never entered upon his diur-
nal Progrefs, without miffing a Piece of it. He hired
a Taylor to ftitch up the Collar fo clofe, that it was
ready to choak him, and fqueefed out his Eyes at
fuch a Rate, as one could fee nothing but the White.
What little was left of the main Subftance of the Coat,
he rubbed every Day, for two Hours, against a rough-
caft Wall, in order to grind away the Remnants of
Lace and Embroidery; but at the fame Time went on
with ſo much Violence, that he proceeded a Heathen
Philofopher. Yet after all he could do of this Kind,
the Success continued ftill to diſappoint his Expecta-
tion. For, as it is the Nature of Rags, to bear a
Kind of mock Refemblance to Finery; there being
a Sort of fluttering Appearance in both, which is not
to be diftinguiſhed at a Diſtance, in the Dark, or by
hort-fighted Eyes: So, in thofe Junctures, it fared
M 3
with
144
ATALE
with Jack and his Tatters, that they offered to the
firſt View a ridiculous Flanting, which, affifting the
Reſemblance in Perfon and Air, thwarted all his
Projects of Separation, and left fo near a Similitude
between them, as frequently deceived the very Dif-
ciples and Followers of both.
Defunt non-
nulla.
*
*
THE old Sclavonian Proverb faid well, That it is
with Men, as with Affes; whoever would keep them
faſt, must find a very good Hold at their Ears. Yet
I think, we may affirm, that it hath been verified by
repeated Experience, that,
Effugiet tamen hæc fceleratus vincula Proteus.
Ir is good therefore, to read the Maxims of our
Anceſtors, with great Allowances to Times and Per-
fons: For, if we look into primitive Records, we
ſhall find, that no Revolutions have been ſo great, or
fo frequent, as thofe of human Ears. In former Days,
there was a curious Invention to catch and keep
them; which, I think, we may juftly reckon among
the Artes perdita: And how can it be otherwiſe,
when in theſe latter Centuries, the very Species is not
only diminiſhed to a very lamentable Degree, but the
poor Remainder is alfo degenerated fo far, as
mock our ſkilfuleft Tenure? For, if the only Slitting
of one Ear, in a Stag, hath been found fufficient to
propagate the Defect thro' a whole Foreft; why
fhould we wonder at the greateft Confequences, from
to
fa
of a TU B.
145
*
fo many Loppings and Mutilations, to which the Ears
of our Fathers, and our own, have been of late fo
much expofed. 'Tis true, indeed, that, while this
Ifland of ours was under the Dominion of Grace, ma-
ny Endeavours were made to improve the Growth
of Ears once more among us. The Proportion of
Largenefs was not only looked upon as an Ornament
of the Outward Man, but as a Type of Grace in the
Inward. Befides, it is held by Naturalifts, that if
there be a Protuberancy of Parts, in the Superior Re-
gion of the Body, as in the Ears and Nofe, there
muſt be a Parity alfo in the Inferior: And therefore in
that truly pious Age, the Males in every Affembly,
according as they were gifted, appeared very forward
in expofing their Ears to View, and the Regions a-
bout them; becauſe * Hippocrates tells us, that when
the Vein behind the Ear happens to be cut, a Man be-
comes a Eunuch: And the Females were nothing back-
warder in beholding and edifying by them; Whereof
thoſe who had already used the Means, looked about
them with great Concern, in hopes of conceiving a
fuitable Offspring by ſuch a Prospect: Others, who
food Candidates for Benevolence, found there a plenti-
ful Choice, and were fure to fix upon fuch as difco
vered the largest Ears, that the Breed might nat
dwindle between them. Lastly, the devouter Sifters,
who looked upon all extraordinary Dilatations of that
Member, as Protruſions of Zeal, or ſpiritual Excref-
cencies, were fure to honour every Head they fet up-
on, as if they had been Marks of Grace; but efpecial-
ly, that of the Preacher, whofe Ears were ufually of
the prime Magnitude; which, upon that Account, he
was very frequent and exact in expofing with all Ad-
*Lib. de aëre, locis & aquis.
M 4
vantages,
146
A TALE
vantages, to the People; in his Rhetorial Paroxyfms,
turning ſometimes to hold forth the one, and fome-
times to hold forth the other: From which Cuſtom,
the whole Operation of Preaching is to this very Day,
among their Profeffors, ftiled by the Phraſe of holding
forth.
SUCH was the Progrefs of the Saints, for advancing
the Size of that Member; and it is thought, the Suc-
cefs would have been every way anſwerable, if, in
Proceſs of Time, a * cruel King had not arofe, who
raiſed a bloody Perfecution againſt all Ears, above a
certain Standard: Upon which, fome were glad to
hide their flouriſhing Sprouts in a black Border, others
crept wholly under a Perriwig; fome were flit, others
cropp'd, and a great Number fliced off to the Stumps.
But of this, more hereafter, in my General Hiftory of
Ears; which I defign very ſpeedily to beſtow upon
the Public.
FROM this brief Survey of the falling State of Ears,
in the laſt Age, and the fmall Care had to advance
their ancient Growth in the prefent, it is manifeft,
how little Reaſon we can have to rely upon a Hold
fo fhort, fo weak, and fo flippery; and, that who-
ever defires to catch Mankind faft, muſt have Recourſe
to fome other Methods. Now, he that will examine
human Nature, with Circumfpection enough, may
diſcover ſeveral Handles, whereof the † Six Senfes af-
ford one a-piece, befide a great Number that are
fcrewed to the Paffions, and fome few riveted to the
Intellect. Among theſe laft, Curiofity is one and, of
1
* This was King Charles the Second, who, at his
Refloration, turned out all the Diffenting Teachers that
would not conform.
Including Scaliger's.
all
of a TUB.
147
all others, affords the firmeft Grafp: Curiofity, that
Spur in the Side, that Bridle in the Mouth, that Ring
in the Nofe, of a lazy and impatient, and a grunting
Reader. By this Handle it is, that an Author ſhould
feize upon his Readers; which as foon as he hath
once compaſs'd, all Refiſtance and Struggling are in
vain; and they become his Prifoners as cloſe as he
pleaſes, till Wearineſs or Dulneſs force him to let go
his Gripe.
AND therefore, I, the Author of this miraculous
Treatife, have hitherto, beyond Expectation, main-
tained, by the aforefaid Handle, a firm Hold upon my
gentle Readers: It is with great Reluctance, that I am
at length compelled to remit my Grafp; leaving them
in the Perufal of what remains, to that natural Ofci-
tancy inherent in the Tribe, I can only affure thee,
Courteous Reader, for both our Comforts, that my
Concern is altogether equal to thine, for my Unhappi-
nefs in lofing, or miflaying among my Papers the re-
maining Part of theſe Memoirs; which confifted of
Accidents, Turns, and Adventures, both New, Agree-
able, and Surpriſing; and therefore calculated, in all
due Points, to the delicate Taſte of this our noble Age.
But, alas! with my utmoft Endeavours, I have been
able only to retain a few of the Heads. Under which,
there was a full Account, how Peter got a Protection
out of the King's-Bench; and of a Reconcilement.
between Jack and Him, upon a Defign they had in
a certain rainy Night, to trepan Brother Martin intọ
a Spung-
In the Reign of King James the Second, the Prefby-
terians, by the King's Invitation, joined with the Papifts
against the Church of England, and Addreffed him for
Repeal of the Penal-Laws and Teft. The King, by his Dif
penfing Power, gave Liberty of Conſcience, which both
Papifts
148
A TALE, &c.
a Spunging-house, and there ftrip him to the Skin.
How Martin, with much ado, fhewed them both a
fair Pair of Heels: How a new Warrant came out
against Peter; upon which, how Jack left him in the
Lurch, fole his Protection, and made use of it himself.
How Jack's Tatters came into Faſhion in Court and
City; How he got upon a great Horfe, and eat ‡
Custard. But the Particulars of all thefe, with feve-
ral others, which have now flid out of my Memory,
are loft beyond all Hopes of Recovery. For which
Misfortune, leaving my Readers to condole with
each other, as far as they fhall find it to agree with
their ſeveral Conftitutions; but conjuring them by
all the Friendſhip that hath paffed between Us, from
the Title-Page to this, not to proceed ſo far as to in-
jure their Healths, for an Accident paft Remedy; I
now go on to the Ceremonial Part of an accomplish-
ed Writer, and therefore, by a Courtly Modern,
leaft of all others to be omitted.
Papifts and Presbyterians made ufe of; but, upon the
Revolution, the Papifts being down of course, the Pref
byterians freely continued their Affemblies, by Virtue of
King James's Indulgence, before they had a Taleration
by Law. This I believe the Author means by Jack's
Healing Peter's Protection, and making use of it him-
felf
+ Sir Humphry Edwyn, a Presbyterian, was fome
Years ago Lord-Mayor of London, and had the Info-
fence to go in his Formalities to a Conventicle, with the
Enfigns of his Office.
Cuflard is a famous Difb at a Lord-Mayor's Feaft.
The
Pag.148.
[149]
The CONCLUSION.
OING too long is a Cauſe of Abortion as ef-
fectual, tho' not fo frequent, as Going too fhort;
and holds true eſpecially in the Labours of the
Brain. Well fare the Heart of that Noble* Jefuit
who firſt adventured to confefs in Print, that Books
must be fuited to their feveral Seafons, like Dreſs, and
Diet, and Diverfions: And better fare our noble
Nation, for refining upon this, among other French
Modes. I am living faft, to fee the Time, when a
Book, that miffes its Tide, fhall be neglected, as the
Moon by Day, or like Mackarel a Week after the
Seafon. No Man hath more nicely obferved our Cli-
mate, than the Bookfeller who bought the Copy of
this Work; He knows to a Tittle what Subjects will
beft go off in a dry Year, and who it is proper to ex-
pofe foremoſt, when the Weather glafs is fallen to
much Rain. When he had feen this Treatife, and
confulted his Almanac upon it, he gave me to under-
ftand, that he had manifeftly confidered the two
Principal Things, which were the Bulk, and the
Subject; and found, it would never take, but after
a long Vacation, and then only, in cafe it ſhould
happen to be a hard Year for Turnips. Upon which,
I defired to know, confidering my urgent Neceffities,
what he thought might be acceptable this Month. He
looked Weftward, and faid, I doubt we shall have a
Fit of bad Weather; However, If you could prepare
Some pretty little Banter (but not in Verfe) or a ſmall
Treatife upon the--it would run like Wild-Fire. But,
if it hold up, I have already hired an Author to write
Something against Dr. B--tl-y, which I am fure, will
turn to Account.
* Pere d'Orleans.
A T
150
The CONCLUSION.
A T length we agreed upon this Expedient; That,
when a Cuſtomer comes for one of theſe, and defires
in Confidence to know the Author; he will tell him
very privately, as a Friend, naming which ever of the
Wits fhall happen to be that Week in the Vogue; and
if Durfy's laft Play fhould be in courſe, I had as lieve,
he may be the Perfon as Congreve. This I mention,
becauſe I am wonderfully well acquainted with the
preſent Reliſh of Courteous Readers; and have often
obferved, with fingular Pleaſure, that a Fly, driven
from a Honey-pot, will immediately, with very good
Appetite alight, and finiſh his Meal on an Excrement.
I HAVE One Word to ſay upon the Subject of Pro-
found Writers, who are grown very numerous of late;
and, I know very well, the judicious World is re-
folved to lift me in that Number. I conceive there-
fore, as to the Buſineſs of being Profound, that it is
with Writers, as with Wells; a Perfon with good
Eyes may fee to the Bottom of the deepest, provided
any Water be there; and that often, when there is
nothing in the World at the Bottom, befides Dryness
and Dirt, tho' it be buta Yard and half under Ground,
it fhall pass, however, for wondrous Deep, upon no
wifer a Reaſon than becauſe it is wondrous Dark.
I AM now trying an Experiment very frequent
among Modern Authors; which is, to write upon No-
thing: When the Subject is utterly exhaufted, to let
the Pen ftill move on; by fome called, the Ghoft
of Wit, delighting to walk after the Death of its Bo-
dy. And to ſay the Truth, there feems to be no Part
of Knowledge in fewer Hands, than that of Difcern-
ing when to have Done. By the Time that an Author
has writ out a Book, he and his Readers are become
old Acquaintants, and grow very loth to Part; fo that I
have
The CONCLUSION.
151
have fometimes known it to be in Writing, as in Vi-
fiting, where the Ceremony of taking Leave has em-
ploy'd moreTime than the whole Converſation before.
The Conclufion of a Treatiſe reſembles the Conclu-
fion of Human Life, which hath fometimes been com-
pared to the End of a Feaft; where few are fatisfied
to depart, ut plenus vita conviva: For Men will fit
down after the fulleft Meal, tho' it be only to doze,
or to fleep out the rest of the Day. But, in this lat-
ter, I differ extremely from other Writers; and fhall
be too proud, if, by all my Labours, I can have any
ways contributed to the Repofe of Mankind in + Times
fo turbulent and unquiet as theſe. Neither, do I
think fuch an Employment fo very alien from the Of-
fice of a Wit, as fome would fuppofe. For among a
very Polite Nation in † Greece, there were the ſame
Temples built and confecrated to Sleep and the Muſes,
between which two Deities, they believed the ftri&-
eft Friendſhip was eſtabliſhed.
I HAVE one concluding Favour, to request of my
Reader; that he will not expect to be equally divert-
ed and informed by every Line, or every Page of this
Difcourfe; but give fome Allowance to the Author's
Spleen, and ſhort Fits or Intervals of Dulneſs, as well
as his own; and lay it ſeriouſly to his Conſcience, whe-
ther, if he were walking the Streets, in dirty Wea-
ther, or a rainy Day; he would allow it fair Dealing
in Folks at their Eafe from a Window, to critic his
Gait, and ridicule his Dreſs at fuch a Juncture.
In my Difpofure of Employments of the Brain, I
have thought fit to make Invention the Mafter, and,
give Method, and Reafon, the Office of its Lacqueys.
+ This was writ before the Peace of Ryfwick,
‡ Trezenii, Paufan. 1. 2.
The
152
The CONCLUSION.
The Caufe of this Diſtribution was, from obſerving it
my peculiar Cafe, to be often under a Temptation of
being Witty, upon Occafion, where I could be neither
Wife nor Sound, nor any thing to the Matter in hand.
And, I am too much a Servant of the Modern Way,
to neglect any fuch Opportunities, whatever Pains or
Improprieties I may be at, to introduce them. For,
I have obferved, that from a laborious Collection of
Seven Hundred Thirty Eight Flowers, and hining
Hints of the beſt Modern Authors, digefted with great
Reading, into my Book of Common-places; I have not
been able after five Years to draw, hook, or force in-
to common Converſation, any more than a Dozen.
Of which Dozen, the one Moiety failed of Succefs,
by being dropp'd among unfuitable Company; and the
other coft me ſo many Strains, and Traps, and Am-
bages to introduce, that I at length refolved to give
it over. Now, this Difappointment (to difcover a
Secret) I muft own, gave me the firft Hint of ſetting
for an Author; and I have fince found among fome
particular Friends, that it is become a very general
Complaint, and has produced the fame Effects upon
many others. For, I have remarked many a toward-
ly Word to be wholly neglected or deſpiſed in Dif
course, which hath paffed very ſmoothly, with fome
Confideration and Efteem, after its Preferment and
Sanction in Print. But now, fince by the Liberty and
Encouragement of the Prefs, I am grown abfolute
Mafter of the Occafions and Opportunities, to expofe
the Talents I have acquired; I already diſcover, that
the Iſſues of my Obfervanda begin to grow too large
for the Receipts. Therefore, I fhall here pauſe a
while, till I find, by feeling the World's Pulfe, and
my own, that it will be of abfolute Neceffity for w
both, to reſume my Pen.
up
FINI S.
A
Full and True ACCOUNT,
OF THE
BATTLE
Fought laſt FRIDAY,
BETWEEN THE
ANTIENT and the MODERN
BOOKS
I N
St. James's LIBRARY.
[155]
THE
BOOKSELLER
TO THE
READ E R.
T
HE following Difcourfe, as it is unquefti-
onably of the fame Author, ſo it ſeems to
have been written about the fame Time
with the former; I mean, the Year 1697,
when the famous Diſpute was on foot, about Antient
and Modern Learning. The Controverfy took its
Rife from an Effay of Sir William Temple's, upon
that Subject; which was anfwered by W. Wotton,
B. D. with an Appendix by Dr. Bentley, endeavour-
ing to deſtroy the Credit of Æfop and Phalaris, for
Authors, whom Sir William Temple had, in the Effay
before mentioned, highly commended. In that Ap-
pendix, the Doctor falls hard upon a new Edition of
Phalaris, put out by the Honourable Charles Boyle
(now Earl of Orrery) to which, Mr. Boyle reply'd at
large with great Learning and Wit; and the Doctor,
voluminouſly, rejoin'd. In this Difpute, the Town
highly reſented to fee a Perſon of Sir William Tem-
N
-
ple's
156
The Bookfeller to the Reader.
ple's Character and Merits, roughly, uſed by the two
Reverend Gentlemen aforefaid, and without any
Manner of Provocation. At length, there appearing
no End of the Quarrel, our Author tells us, that the
BOOKS in St. James's Library, looking upon them-
felves as Parties principally concerned, took up the
Controverfy, and came to a decifive Battle; but the
Manufcript, by the Injury of Fortune, or Weather,
being in feveral Places imperfect, we cannot learn to
which Side the Victory fell.
I MUST warn the Reader, to beware of applying
to Perfons what is here meant, only of Books in the
moft literal Senſe. So, when Virgil is mentioned,
we are not to underſtand the Perfon of a famous
Poet, called by that Name; but only certain Sheets of
Paper, bound up in Leather, containing, in Print,
the Works of the faid Poet: And fo of the reſt.
THE
[ 157 1
THE
PREFACE
OF THE
AUTHOR.
S
ATYR is a Sort of Glaſs, wherein Beholders
do generally discover every Body's Face but their
Own; which is the chief Reaſon for that kind
Reception it meets with in the World, and that
So very few are offended with it. But if it should hap-
pen otherwife, the Danger is not great; and, I have
learned from long Experience, never to apprehend Mif-
chief from thoſe Underſtandings, I have been able to
provoke: For, Anger and Fury, tho' they add Strength
to the Sinews of the Body, yet are found to relax thoſe
of the Mind, and to render all its Efforts feeble and
impotent.
THERE is a Brain that will endure but one Scum-
ming; let the Owner gather it with Difcretion, and
manage his little Stock with Husbandry; but of all
Things, let him beware of bringing it under the Laſh
N 2
of
158
The Prefate of the AUTHOR.
of his Betters; becaufe, That will make it all bubble up
into Impertinence, and he will find no new Supply.
Wit, without Knowledge, being a Sort of Cream,
which gathers in a Night to the Top, and, by a skilful
Hand, may be foon whipped into Froth; but once fcum-
med away, what appears underneath, will be fit for
mathing, but to be thrown to the Hogs.
A FULL
MAHNI
Before the Title of the Battle.
[ 159 ]
A FULL and TRUE
ACCOUNT
OF THE
BATTLE
Fought laft FRIDAY, &c.
W
HOEVER examines with due Circum-
ſpection, into the † Annual Records of
Time, will find it remarked, that War
is the Child of Pride, and Pride the
Daughter of Riches: The Former of which Affertions
may be foon granted; but one cannot ſo eaſily ſubſcribe
to the Latter: For Pride is nearly related to Beggary
and Want, either by Father or Mother, and fome-
times by both; and, to ſpeak naturally, it very feldom
happens among Men to fall out, when all have enough:
Invaſions uſually travelling from North to South, that
+ Riches produceth Pride; Pride is War's Ground,
&c. Vid. Ephem. de Mary Clarke; opt. Edit.
N 3
is
160
The BATTLE.
is to fay, from Poverty upon Plenty. The moft an-
tient and natural Grounds of Quarrels, are Luft and
Avarices which, the' we may allow to be Brethren
or collateral Branches of Pride, are certainly the Iffues
of Want. For, to ſpeak in the Phraſe of Writers upon
the Politics, we may obferve in the Republic of Dogs,
(which in its Original feems to be an Inftitution of the
Many) that the whole State is ever in the profoundeſt
Peace, after a full Meal; and, that Civil Broils arife
among them, when it happens for one great Bone to be
feized on by fome leading Dog, who either divides it
among the Few, and then it falls to an Oligarchy, or
keeps it to himſelf, and then it runs up to a Tyranny.
The fame Reaſoning alfo holds Place among them,
in thofe Diffenfions we behold upon a Turgefcency in
any of their Females. For, the Right of Poffeffion
lying in common (it being impoffible to eſtabliſh a Pro-
perty in fo delicate a Cafe) Jealoufies and Sufpicions do
fo abound, that the whole Common-wealth of that
Street, is reduced to a manifeſt State of War, of every
Citizen againſt every Citizen; 'till fome one of more
Courage, Conduct, or Fortune than the reft, feizes and
enjoys the Prize: Upon which, naturally arifes Plenty
of Heart-burning, and Envy, and Snarling against the
Happy Dog. Again, if we look upon any of thefe Re-
publics engaged in a foreign War, either of Invafion
or Defence, we ſhall find, the fame Reaſoning will
ferve, as to the Grounds and Occafions of each; and
that Poverty, or Want, in fome Degree or other,
(whether real, or in Opinion, which makes to Alte-
ration in the Cafe) has a great Share, as well as Pride,
on the Part of the Aggreſſor.
Now, whoever will pleafe to take this Scheme,
and either reduce or adapt it to an intellectual State, or
Common-wealth of Learning, will foon diſcover the
first
The BATTLE.
161
firft Ground of Difagreement between the two great
Parties at this Time in Arms; and may form juft Con-
clufions upon the Merits of either Caufe. But the Iffue
or Events of this War are not ſo eaſy to conjecture at :
For, the preſent Quarrel is ſo inflamed by the warm
Heads of either Faction, and the Pretenfions fomewhere
or other fo exorbitant, as not to admit the leaſt Over-
tures of Accommodation : This Quarrel firſt began (as
I have heard it affirm'd by an old Dweller in theNeigh-
bourhood) about a fmall Spot of Ground, lying and be-.
ing upon one of the two Tops of the Hill Parnaffus;
the higheſt and largeft of which had, it feems, been,
Time out of Mind, in quiet Poffeffion of certain Te-
nants called the Antients; and the other was held by
the Moderns. But thefe, difliking their prefent Station,
fent certain Ambaſſadors to the Antients, complain-
ing of a great Nuifance, how the Height of that Part
of Parnaffus quite fpoiled the Profpect of theirs, ef-
pecially towards the East; and therefore, to avoid a
War, offer'd them the Choice of this Alternative;
either that the Antients would pleaſe to remove them
felves and their Effects down to the lower Summity,
which the Moderns would gracioufly furrender to
them, and advance in their Place; or elfe, that the
faid Antients will give Leave to the Moderns, to come
with Shovels and Mattocks, and level the ſaid Hill,
as low as they fhall think it convenient. To which,
the Antients made Anſwer; how little they expected
fuch a Meffage as this, from a Colony, whom they
had admitted out of their own Free Grace, to ſo near
a Neighbourhood. That, as to their own Seat, they
were Aborigines of it, and therefore to talk with them
of a Removal or Surrender, was a Language they did
not underſtand. That, if the Height of the Hill, on
their Side, ſhortened the Profpect of the Moderns, it
was a Diſadvantage they could not help, but defired
N 4
them
162
The BATTLE.
them to confider, whether that Injury (if it be any)
were not largely recompenfed by the Shade and Shel-
ter it afforded them. That as to the levelling or dig.
ging down, it was either Folly and Ignorance to pro-
poſe it, if they did, or did not know, how that Side
of the Hill was an intire Rock, which would break
their Tools and Hearts, without any Damage to itſelf.
That they would therefore adviſe the Moderns, rather
to raiſe their own Side of the Hill, than dream of pul-
ling down that of the Antients; to the former of which,
they would not only give Licence, but alfo largely
contribute. All this was rejected by the Moderns, with
much Indignation, who ftill infifted upon one of the
two Expedients; and fo this Difference broke out in-
to a long and obſtinate War, maintained on the one
Part by Refolution, and by the Courage of certain
Leaders ard Allies; but on the other, by the Great-
nefs of their Number, upon all Defeats, affording con-
tinual Recruits. In this Quarrel, whole Rivulets of
Ink have been exhauſted, and the Virulence of both
Parties enormoufly augmented. Now, it muft here
be understood, that Ink is the great miffive Weapon,
in all Battles of the Learned, which convey'd thro'
a Sort of Engine, called a Quill, infinite Numbers of
theſe are darted at the Enemy, by the Valiant on each
Side, with equal Skill and Violence, as if it were an
Engagement of Porcupines. This malignant Liquor
was compounded by the Engineer who invented it,
of two Ingredients, which are Gall and Copperas, by
its Bitterneſs and Venom, to fuit in fome Degree, as
well as to foment the Genius of the Combatants. And
as the Grecians, after an Engagement, when they
could not agree about the Victory, were wont to fet
up Trophies on both Sides, the beaten Party being
content to be at the fame Expence, to keep itſelf in
Countenance (a laudable and antient Cuftom, happily
re-
The BATTLE.
163
revived of late, in the Art of War) fo the Learned, af-
ter a ſharp and bloody Difpute, do on both Sides hang
out their Trophies too, which ever comes by the worst.
Theſe Trophies have largely infcribed on them the
Merits of the Cauſe; a full impartial Account of fuch
a Battle, and how the Victory fell clearly to the Par-
ty that fet them up. They are known to the World
under feveral Names; as Difputes, Arguments, Re-
joinders, Brief Confiderations, Anfwers, Replies, Re-
marks, Reflections, Ojections, Confutations. For a
very few Days they are fix'd up in all public Places,
either by themſelves or their * Repreſentatives, for
Paffengers to gaze at: From whence the Chiefeft and
Largeft are removed to certain Magazines, they call
Libraries, there to remain in a Quarter purpoſely aſ-
fign'd them, and from thenceforth begin to be call'd,
Books of Controverſy.
IN thefe Books, is wonderfully inftilled and pre-
ferved, the Spirit of each Warrior, while he is alive,
and after his Death, his Soul tranſmigrates there, to in-
form them. This, at leaft, is the more common Opini-
on; but, I believe, it is with Libraries, as with other
Cœemeteries, where fome Philofophers affirm, that a
certain Spirit, which they call Brutum hominis, hovers
over the Monument, 'till the Body is corrupted, and
turns to Duß, or to Worms, but then vanishes or diſ-
folves; So, we may ſay, a reſtlefs Spirit haunts over
every Book, till Duft or Worms have ſeized upon it;
which to fome may happen in a few Days, but to others
later: And therefore, Books of Controverfy, being of
all others, haunted by the meft diforderly Spirits, have
always been confined in a ſeparate Lodge from the reſt ;
and for fear of mutual Violence againſt each other, it
was thought prudent by our Anceſtors, to bind them
*Their Title-Pages.
to
164
The BATTLE.
to the Peace with ſtrong Iron Chains. Of which In-
vention, the original Occafion was this: When the
Works of Scotus first came out, they were carried to
a certain great Library, and had Lodgings appointed
them; but this Author was no fooner fettled, than he
went to vifit his Maſter Ariftotle, and there both con-
certed together, to ſeize Plato by main Force, and turn
him out from his antient Station among the Divines,
where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred
Years. The Attempt fucceeded, and the two Ufurpers
have reigned ever fince in his ftead: But to maintain
Quiet for the future, it was decreed, that all Polemics,
of the larger Size, fhould be held faſt with a Chain.
By this Expedient, the public Peace of Libraries
might certainly have been preferv'd, if a new Species
of controverfial Books had not aroſe of late Years, in-
ftinct with a moſt malignant Spirit, from the War
above-mentioned, between the Learned, about the
higher Summity of Parnaffus.
WHEN thefe Books were firſt admitted into the pub-
lic Libraries, I remember to have faid upon Occafion,
to feveral Perfons concerned, how I was fure, they
would create Broils where-ever they came, unleſs a
World of Care were taken: And therefore, I adviſed,
that the Champions of each Side ſhould be coupled to-
gether, or otherwife mix'd, that like the blending of
contrary Poiſons, their Malignity might be employed
among themſelves. And it feems, I was neither an ill
Prophet, nor an ill Counſellor; for it was nothing elſe
but the Neglect of this Caution, which gave Occafion
to the terrible Fight that happen'd on Friday laſt be-
tween the Antient and Modern Books in the King's Libra-
ry. Now, becauſe the Talk of this Battle is fo freſh in
every Body's Mouth, and the Expectation of the Town
fo great, to be informed in the Particulars; I, being
pot.
The BATTLE.
165
poffeffed of all Qualifications requifite in an Hiflorian,
and retained by neither Party, have refolved to com-
ply with the urgent Importunity of my Friends, by
writing down a full impartial Account thereof.
THE Guardian of the Regal Library, a Perſon of
great Valour, but chiefly renowned for his Huma-
nity, had been a fierce Champion for the Moderns, and
in an Engagement upon Parnaffus, had vowed, with
his own Hands, to knock down two of the Antient
Chiefs, who guarded a ſmall Pafs on the fuperior Rock;
but, endeavouring to climb up, was cruelly obſtructed
by his own unhappy Weight, and Tendency towards
his Center; a Quality, to which, thoſe of the Modern
Party, are extreme fubject: For, being light-headed,
they have, in Speculation, a wonderful Agility, and
conceive nothing too high for them to mount; but, in
reducing to Practice, difcover a mighty Preffure about
their Pofteriors and their Heels. Having thus failed
in his Defign, the diſappointed Champion bore a cru-
el Rancour to the Antients, which he refolved to gra-
tify, by fhewing all Marks of his Favour to the Books
of their Adverſaries, and lodging them in the faireſt
Apartments; when, at the fame Time, whatever Book
had the Boldneſs to own itſelf for an Advocate of the
Antients, was buried alive in fome obſcure Corner,
and threatned, upon the leaſt Diſpleaſure, to be turn-
ed out of Doors. Befides, it fo happened, that about
this Time, there was a ſtrange Confufion of Place a-
mong all the Books in the Library; for which feveral
Reaſons were affigned. Some imputed it to a great
* The honourable Mr. Boyle, in the Preface to his
Edition of Phalaris, fays, he was refuſed a Manuſcript
by the Library-Keeper, ro folita Humanitate fuâ.
Heap
166
The BATTLE.
Heap of learned Duft, which a perverfe Wind blew
off from a Shelf of Moderns into the Keeper's Eyes.
Others affirmed, he had a Humour to pick the Worms
out of the Schoolmen, and fwallow them freſh and faſt-
ing; whereof fome fell upon his Spleen, and fome
climbed up into his Head, to the great Perturbation of
both. And lastly, others maintained, that by walking
much in the dark about the Library, he had quite loft
the Situation of it out of his Head; and therefore, in
replacing his Books, he was apt to mistake, and clap
Des-Cartes next to Ariftotle; Poor Plato had got be
tween Hobbs and the Seven wife Mafters, and Virgil
was hemm'd in with Dryden on one fide, and Withers
on the other.
MEAN while, thofe Books that were Advocates for
the Moderns, choſe out one from among them, to make
a Progreſs thro' the whole Library, examine the Num-
ber and Strength of their Party, and concert their Af-
fairs. This Meffenger performed all Things very induf-
triouſly, and brought back with him a Lift of their
Forces, in all Fifty Thouſand, confifting chiefly of
light Horse, heavy-armed Foot, and Mercenaries: Where-
of the Foot were in general but forrily armed, and
worfe clad Their Horfes large, but extremely out of
Cafe and Heart; however, fome few, by trading a-
mong the Axtients, had furniſh'd themſelves tolerably
enough.
WHILE Things were in the Ferment; Difcord grew
extremely high, hot Words paffed on both fides, and
ill Blood was plentifully bred. Here a folitary Antient,
fqueefed up among a whole Shelf of Moderns, offered
fairly to diſpute the Cafe, and to prove by manifeft
Reafon, that the Priority was due to them, from long
Poffeffion, and in regard of their Prudence, Antiqui
ky, and above all, their great Merits toward the Mo-
derns.
The BATTLE.
167
derns. But theſe denied the Premiffes, and feemed
very much to wonder, how the Antients could pretend
to infiſt upon their Antiquity, when it was ſo plain (if
they went to that) that the Moderns were much the
more † Antient of the two. As for any Obligations
they owed to the Antients, they renounced them all.
It is true, ſaid they, we are informed, fome few of our
Party have been fo mean to borrow their Sulfiftance
from You; but the reft, infinitely the greater Number
(and especially, we French and Engliſh) were so far
from stooping to fo bafe an Example, that there never
paffed, till this very Hour, fix Words between us. For,
our Horfes were of our cavn Breeding, our Arms of our
own Forging, and our Cloaths of our own Cutting out
and Sewing. Plate was, by Chance, upon the next
Shelf, and obferving thofe that (poke to be in the
ragged Plight, mentioned a while ago; their Fades
lean and foundered, their Weapons of rotten Wood,
their Armour rufty, and nothing but Rags under-
neath; he laughed loud, and, in his pleaſant Way,
fwore, By, he believed them.
Now, the Moderns had not proceeded in their late
Negotiation, with Secrecy enough to eſcape the No-
tice of the Enemy. For, thofe Advocates, who had be-
gun the Quarrel, by fetting firft cn foot the Difpute of
Precedency, talked fo loud of coming to a Battle, that
Temple happened to over-hear them, and gave imme-
diate Intelligence to the Antients; who, thereupon,
drew up their ſcattered Troops together, refolving to
act upon the defenfive: Upon which, feveral of the
Moderns fled over to their Party, and among the reſt,
Temple himſelf. This Temple having been educated,
and long converſed among the Antients, was, of all
† According to the Modern Paradox.
the
168
The BATTLE.
the Moderns, their greateſt Favourite, and became
their greateſt Champion.
THINGS were at this Crifis, when a material Acci-
dent fell out. For, upon the higheſt Corner of a large
Window, there dwelled a certain Spider, fwollen up to
the first Magnitude, by the Deſtruction of infinite Num-
ber of Flies, whofe Spoils lay fcattered before the Gates,
of his Palace, like human Bones before the Cave of
fome Giant. The Avenues to his Caftle were guarded
with Turn-pikes, and Paliſadoes, all after the Modern
Way of Fortification. After you had paffed feveral
Courts, you came to the Center, wherein you might
behold the Conftable himſelf in his own Lodgings,
which had Windows fronting to each Avenue, and
Ports to fally out upon all Occafions of Prey or Defence,
In this Manſion, he had for fome Time dwelt in Peace
and Plenty, without Danger to his Perfon by Swal-
lows from above, or to his Palace by Brooms from
below: When it was the Pleaſure of Fortune to con-
duct thither a wandering Bee, to whoſe Curioſity a bro-
ken Pane in the Glaſs had diſcovered itſelf; and in he
went, where expatiating a while, he at laft happened
to alight upon one of the outward Walls of the Spi-
der's Cittadel; which yielding to the unequal Weight,
funk down to the very Foundation. Thrice he endea-
voured to force his Paffage, and thrice the Center
fhook. The Spider within, feeling the terrible Convul-
fion, fuppofed at firft, that Nature was approaching
to her final Diffolution; or elſe, that Beelzebub with
all his Legions, was come to revenge the Death of
many thouſands of his Subjects, whom his Enemy
had flain and devoured. However, he at length vali-
antly reſolved to iffue forth and meet his Fate. Mean
while, the Bee had acquitted himſelf of his Toils, and
pofted fecurely at fome Diftance, was employed in
cleanfing his Wings, and difengaging them from the
rag-
The B ATT LE.
169
ragged Remnants of the Cobweb. By this Time the
Spider was adventured out, when beholding the Chaſms,
the Ruins, and Dilapidations of his Fortreſs, he was
very near at his Wit's End; he ftormed and ſwore like
a Mad-man, and fwelled till he was ready to burſt.
At length, cafting his Eye upon the Bee, and wifely
gathering Caufes from Events (for they knew each o-
ther by Sight) A Plague ſplit you, ſaid he, for a gid-
dy Son of a Whore; is it you, with a Vengeance, that
have made this Litter here? Could not you look before
you, and be d
n'd? do you think I have nothing
elfe to do (in the Devil's Name) but to mend and re-
pair after your Arfe? Good Words, Friend, faid the
Bee, (having now pruned himſelf, and being difpo
fed to drole) I'll give you my Hand and Word to come
near your Kennel no more; I was never in fuch a con-
founded Pickle fince I was born. Sirrah, replied the
Spider, if it were not for breaking an old Cuſtom in our
Family, never to flir abroad againſt an Enemy, Iſhould
come and teach you better Manners. I pray have Pati-
ence, ſaid the Bee, or you will ſpend your Subſtance, and
for aught I fee, you may ftand in need of it all, towards
the Repair of your Houfe. Rogue, Rogue, replied the
Spider, yet, methinks you ſhould have more Respect to a
Perfon, whom all the World allows to be fo much your
Betters. By my Troth, faid the Bee, the Comparifon
will amount to a very good Feft, and you will do me a
Favour, to let me know the Reaſons, that all the World
is pleaſed to use in fo hopeful a Difpute. At this, the
Spider, having fwelled himſelf into the Size and Po-
fture of a Difputant, began his Argument in the true
Spirit of Controverfy, with Refolution to be heartily
fcurrilous and angry, to urge on his own Reaſons,
without the leaft Regard to the Anſwers or Objections
of his Oppofite; and fully predetermined in his Mind
against all Conviction.
NOT
170
The BATTLE.
NOT to disparage myſelf, faid he, by the Compari-
fon with fuch a Rafcal; what art thou but a Vagabond
without Houfe or Home, without Stock or Inheritance?
born to no Poffeffion of your own, but a Pair of Wings and
a Drone Pipe. Your Livelihood is a univerfal Plun-
der upon Nature; a Freebooter over Fields and Gar-
dens; and, for the fake of Stealing, will rob a Nettle
as readily as a Violet. Whereas I am a domeftic Ani-
mal, furnish'd with a native Stock within myſelf.
This large Caftle (to fhew my Improvements in the Ma-
thematics) is all built with my own Hands, and the
Materials extracted altogether out of my own Perſon.
I AM glad, anfwered the Bee, to hear you grant at
leaft, that I am come honeſtly by my Wings and my Voice;
for then, it feems, I am obliged to Heaven alone for my
Flights and my Mufic; and Providence would never have
bestowed on me two fuch Gifts, without defigning them
for the noblest Ends. I vifit, indeed, all the Flowers
and Bloſſoms of the Field and the Garden; but whate-
ver I collect from thence, enriches myself, without the
leaft Injury to their Beauty, their Smell, or their Tafte.
Now, for you and your Skill in Architecture and other Ma-
thematics, I have little to fay: In that Building of yours,
there might, for aught I know, have been Labour and
Method enough; but by woful Experience for us both,
it is plain, the Materials are naught, and I hope, you
will henceforth take Warning, and confider Duration
and Matter as well as Method and Art. You, boaſt,
indeed, of being obliged to no other Creature, but of
drawing and ſpinning out all from yourſelf; That is to
fay, if we may judge of the Liquor in the Veſſel by what
iffues out, you toffefs a good plentiful Store of Dirt and
Poifon in your Breaft; and, though I would by no means
leffen or disparage your genuine Stock of either, yet, I
doubt you are fomewhat obliged for an Increase of both,
+
to
The
171
BATTLE.
to a little foreign Affiftance. Your inherent Portion of
Dirt, does not fail of Acquifitions, by Sweepings exhaled
from below; and one Infect furniſhes you with a Share
of Poifon to deftroy another. So that in fhort, the Quef-
tion comes all to this; whether is the nobler Being of
the two, that which by a lazy Contemplation of four
Inches round; by an over-weening Pride, which, feed-
ing and engendering on itſelf, turns all into Excrement
and Venom; producing nothing at all, but Fly-bane and
a Cobweb: Or that, which by an univerfal Range, with
long Search, much Study, true Judgment, and Diftinc-
tion of Things, brings home Honey and Wax.
THIS Difpute was managed with fuch Eagernefs,
Clamour, and Warmth, that the two Parties of Books
in Arms below, ftood filent a while, waiting in Suf-
penſe what would be the Iffue; which was not long
undetermined: For the Bee grown impatient at fo
much Lofs of Time, fled ſtrait away to a Bed of Rofes,
without looking for a Reply; and left the Spider like
an Orator, collected in himſelf, and juſt prepared to
burst out.
IT happen'd upon this Emergency, that fop
broke Silence firft. He had been of late moft barba-
rouſly treated by a ſtrange Effect of the Regent's Hu-
manity, who had torn off his Title-Page, forely defa-
ced one Half of his Leaves, and chained him faft a-
mong a Shelf of Moderns. Where foon diſcovering
how high the Quarrel was like to proceed, he tried
all his Arts, and turned himſelf to a thouſand Forms:
At length in the borrow'd Shape of an Afs, the Re-
gent mistook him for a Modern; by which means, he
had Time and Opportunity to eſcape to the Antients,
just when the Spider and the Bee were entering into
their Contest; to which he gave his Attention with
a world of Pleaſure; and, when it was ended, ſwore
in the loudest Key, that, in all his Life, he had never
known
O
172
The BATT LE.
known two Cafes fo parallel and adapt to each other,
as that in the Window, and this upon the Shelves.
The Difputants, ſaid he, have admirably managed the
Difpute between them, have taken in the full Strength
of all that is to be faid on both files, and exhaufted the
Subftance of every Argument pro and con. It is but to
adjuft the Reafonings of both to the prefent Quarrel, then
to compare and apply the Labours and Fruits of each, as
the Bee has learnedly deduced them; and we ſhall find
the Conclufion full, plain, and clofe upon the Moderns.
and Us. For, pray Gentlemen, was ever any Thing fo
Modern as the Spider, in his Air, his Turns, and his
Paradoxes? he argues in the behalf of You his Bre-
thren, and himſelf, with many Boaftings of his na-
tive Stock, and great Genius; that he Spins and Spits
wholly from himself, and fcorns to own any Obligation
or Affifiance from without. Then he difplays to you his
great Skill in Architecture, and Improvement in the
Mathematics. To all this, the Bee, as an Advocate
retain'd by us the Antients, thinks fit to answer; that
if one may judge of the great Genius or Inventions of the
Moderns, by what they have produced, you will hardly
have Countenance to bear you out in Boafting of either.
Erect your Schemes with as much Method and Skill as
you please; yet if the Materials be nothing but Dirt,
fpun out of your own Entrails (the Guts of Modern
Brains) the Edifice will conclude at last in a Cob-web;
The Duration of which, like that of other Spiders Webs,
may be imputed to their being forgotten, or neglected, or
hid in a Corner. For any thing elſe of genuine, that
the Moderns may pretend to, I cannot recollect; unleſs
it be a large Vein of Wrangling and Satyr, much of a
Nature and Subftance with the Spider's Poifon; which,
however to pretend to fpit wholly out of themselves, is
improved by the fame Arts, by feeding upon the Infects
and Vermin of the Age. As for Us, the Antients, we
are content with the Bee to pretend to Nothing of our
own,
The BATTLE.
173
own, beyond our Wings and our Voice: That is to fay,
our Flights and our Language. For the reft, whatever
we have got, has been by infinite Labour and Search,
and Ranging thro' every Corner of Nature: The Diffe-
rence is, that, infteas of Dirt and Poiſon, we have ra-
ther chofe to fill our Hives with Honey and Wax, thus
furnishing Mankind with the two nobleft of Things,
which are Sweetneſs and Light.
It is wonderful to conceive the Tumult arifen a-
mong the Books, upon the Clofe of this long Defcant
of Eſop: Both Parties took the Hint, and heighten'd
their Animofities fo on a ſudden; that they reſolv'd it
ſhould come to a Battle. Immediately, the two main
Bodies withdrew under their ſeveral Enfigns, to the
farther Parts of the Library, and there entered into
Cabals, and Confults upon the prefent Emergency.
The Moderns were in very warm Debates upon the
Choice of their Leaders, and nothing less than the
Fear impending from the Enemies, could have kept
them from Mutinies upon this Occafion. The Dif-
ference was greateſt among the Horfe, where every
private Trooper pretended to the chief Command, from
Taffo and Milton, to Dryden and Withers. The Light-
Horfe were commanded by Cowley and Defpreaux.
There came the Bowmen under their valiant Leaders,
Des Cartes, Gaffendi, and Hobbes, whöfe Strength was
fuch, that they could fhoot their Arrows beyond the
Atmosphere, never to fall down again, but turn, like
that of Evander, into Meteors, or like the Cannon-Ball
into Stars. Paracelfus brought a Squadron of Stink-
Pot Flingers from the frowy Mountains of Rhatia.
There came a valt Body of Dragoons of different Na-
tions, under the Leading of Harvey, their great Aga:
Part armed with Scythes, the Weapons of Death;
Part with Launces and long Knives, all teep'd in Poison;
Part fhot Bullets ofa moft malignant Nature, and uſed
·
O 2
white
$74
The BATTLE.
white Powder, which infallibly killed without Re-
port. There came feveral Bodies of heavy armed Foot,
all Mercenaries, under the Enfigns of Guicciardine,
Davila, Polydore Virgil, Buchanan, Mariana, Cam-
den, and others. The Engineers were commanded by
Regiomontanus and Wilkins. The reft were a confu-
fed Multitude, led by Scotus, Aquinas, and Bellar-
mine; of mighty Bulk and Stature, but without ei-
ther Arms, Courage, or Diſcipline. In the laft Place,
came infinite Swarms of + Calones, a diſorderly Rout
led by L'Efrange; Rogues and Raggamuffins, that
follow the Camp, for nothing but the Plunder; all
without Coats to cover them.
THE Army of the Antients was mach fewer in
Number; Homer led the Horſe, and Pindar the Light-
Horfe; Euclid was chief Engineer; Plato and Ariftotle
commanded the Bowmen; Herodotus and Livy the
Foot; Hippocrates the Dragoons; the Allies led by
Voffius, and Temple brought up the Rear.
ALL Things violently tending to a decifive Battle,
Fame, who much frequented, and had a large Apart-
ment formerly affign'd her in the Regal Library, fled
up ftrait to Jupiter, to whom fhe deliver'd a faithful
Account of all that paffed between the two Parties be-
low. (For, among the Gods, fhe always tells Truth.)
Jove, in great Concern, convokes a Council in the
Milky Way. The Senate affembled, he declares the Oc-
cafion of convening them; a bloody Battle juit impen-
dent between two mighty Armies of Antient and Mo-
dern Creatures, call'd Books, wherein the Celeſtial In-
tereft was but too deeply concerned. Momus, the Pa-
tron of the Moderns, made an excellent Speech in their
Favour, which was anfwer'd by Pallas, the Protectreſs
of the Antients. The Affembly was divided in their
† Theſe are Pamphlets, which are not bound or cover'd.
Af-
The BATTLE.
175
Affections; when Jupiter commanded the Book of
Fate to be laid before him. Immediately were brought
by Mercury, three large Volumes in Folio, containing
Memoirs of all Things paft, prefent, and to come.
The Clafps were of Silver, double gilt; the Covers of
Celeſtial Turkey-Leather, and the Paper fuch as here
on Earth might almoft pafs for Vellum. Jupiter,
having filently read the Decree, would communicate
the Import to none, but prefently ſhut up the Book.
WITHOUT the Doors of this Affembly, there at-
tended a vaſt Number of light, nimble Gods, me-
nial Servants to Jupiter: Theſe are his miniftering
Inftruments in all Affairs below. They travel in a
Caravan, more or lefs together, and are faſtened to
each other, like a Link of Galley-flaves, by a light
Chain, which paffes from them, to Jupiter's great
Toe: And yet, in receiving or delivering a Meffage,
they may never approach above the loweſt Step of his
Throne, where he and they whiſper to each other,
through a long, hollow Trunk. Theſe Deities are
called by mortal Men, Accidents or Events; but the
Gods call them, Second Caufes. Jupiter having de-
livered his Meffage to a certain Number of thefe Di-
vinities, they flew immediately down to the Pinacle
of the Regal Library, and, confulting a few Mi-
nutes, entered unſeen, and diſpoſed the Parties ac-
cording to their Orders,
MEAN while, Momus fearing the worſt, and calling
to Mind an antient Prophecy, which bore nò very
good Face to his Children, the Moderns; bent his
Flight to the Region of a malignant Deity, called Cri-
ticifm. She dwelt on the Top of a ſnowy Mountain in
Nova Zembla; there Momus found her extended in
her Den, upon the Spoils of numberless Volumes,
half devoured. At her Right-hand fat Ignorance, her
Father and Hufband, blind with Age; at her Left,
0 3
Pride.
176
The BATTLE.
Pride, her Mother, dreffing her up in the Scraps of
Paper herſelf had torn. There was Opinion, her Sif-
ter, light of Foot, hood-winked, and head-ftrong,
yet giddy, and perpetually turning. About her play-
ed her Children, Noife and Impudence, Dulness and
Vanity, Pofitiveness, Pedantry, and Ill Manners. The
Goddeſs herſelfhad Claws like a Cat; her Head, and
Ears, and Voice, reſembled thoſe of an Aſs; her
Teeth fallen out before; her Eyes turned inward, as
if fhe looked only upon herself; her Diet was the
Over-flowing of her own Gall; her Spleen was fo large,
as to ftand prominent, like a Dug of the firft Rate,
nor wanted Excrefcencies in Form of Teats, at which
a Crew of ugly Monfters were greedily fucking; and,
what is wonderful to conceive, the Bulk of Spleen in-
creaſed fafter than the Sucking could diminiſh it.
Goddess, faid Momus, can you fit idly bere, while our
devout Worshippers, the Moderns, are this Minute en-
tering into a cruel Battle, and, perhaps, now lying
under the Swords of their Enemies: Who then, hereaf
ter, will ever Sacrifice, or build Altars to our Divi-
nities? Hafte, therefore, to the Britiſh Iſle, and, if.
poffible, prevent their Deftruction, while I make Fac-
tions among the Gods, and gain them over to our Party.
MOMUS, having thus delivered himſelf, ftaid not
for an Anſwer, but left the Goddeſs to her own Re-
fentment: Up fhe roſe in a Rage, and, as it is the Form
upon fuch Occafions, began a Soliloquy: 'Tis I (faid
fhe) who give Wisdom to Infants and Idiots; by me,
Children grow wifer than their Parents; by me Beaux
become Politicians, and School-boys Judges of Philofo-
phy; by me, Sophifters debate, and conclude upon the
Depths of Knowledge; and Coffee-houfe Wits, inftinct
by me, can correct an Author's Style, and display his mi-
nuteft Errors, without understanding a Syllable of his
Matter, or his Language; by me, Striplings Spend their
Judg-
The BATTLE.
177
Fudgment, as they do their Eftate, before it comes into
their Hands. 'Tis I, who have depoſed Wit and Know-
ledge from their Empire over Poetry, and advanced my-
felf in their Stead. And ſhall a few upſtart Antients
dare oppoſe me?-But, come, my aged Parent, and you,
my Children dear, and thou, my beauteous Sifter; let us
afcend my Chariot, and hafte to affift our devout Mo-
derns, who are now facrificing to us a Hecatomb, as I
perceive by that grateful Smell, which from thence
reaches my Noftrils.
THE Goddess, and her Train, having mounted the
Chariot, which was drawn by tame Geefe, flew over
infinite Regions, fhedding her Influence in due Places,
till at length, fhe arrived at her beloved Iſland of Bri-
tain; but in hovering over its Metropolis, what Bleſ-
fings did fhe not let fall upon her Seminaries of Gref-
ham and Covent Garden? And now fhe reached the
fatal Plain of St. James's Library, at what Time the
two Armies were upon the Point to engage; where,
entering with all her Caravan unfeen, and landing
upon a Caſe of Shelves, now deſart, but once inhabi-
ted by a Colony of Virtuofo's, the ftaid a while to ob-
ferve the Pofture of both Armies.
BUT, here the tender Cares of a Mother began to
fill her Thoughts, and move in her Breaft: For, at
the Head of a Troop of Modern Bowmen, ſhe caſt her
Eyes upon her Son W-tt-n; to whom the Fates had
affigned a very ſhort Thread. W-tt-n, a young
Hero, whom an unknown Father, cf mortal Race, be-
got by ſtolen Embraces with this Goddefs. He was the
Darling of his Mother, above all her Children, and
ſhe refolved to go and comfort him. But first, accord-
ing to the good old Cuſtom of Deities, ſhe caſt about
to change her Shape, for fear the Divinity of her
Countenance might dazzle his mortal Sight, and over-
charge the rest of his Senfes. She therefore gathered
0 4
up
178
The BATTLE.
up her Perfon into an Octavo Compaſs: Her Body,
grew white and arid, and ſplit in Pieces with Dryness;
the Thick turned into Pafte-board, and the Thin into
Paper, upon which her Parents and Children artful-
ly ftrewed a black Juice or Decoction of Gall and
Soot, in Form of Letters; her Head, and Voice, and
Spleen, kept their primitive Form, and that, which
before was a Cover of Skin, did ftill continue fo. In
this Guiſe, fhe marched on towards the Moderns, un-
diſtinguiſhable in Shape and Drefs from the Divine
B--ntl--y, W--tt--n's deareft Friend. Brave W-tt--n,
faid the Goddefs, why do our Troops ftand idle here, to
Spend their prefent Vigour and Opportunity of this Day?
Away, let us hafte to the Generals, and advise to give
the Onfet immediately. Having fpoke thus, fhe took the
uglieſt of her Monſters, full geutted from her Spleen,
and flung it invifibly into his Mouth, which, flying
ftrait up into his Head, fqueefed out his Eye-Balls,
gave him a diſtorted Look, and half overturned his
Brain. Then the privately ordered two of her beloved
Children, Dulneſs and Ill-Manners, cloſely to attend
his Perfon in all Encounters. Having thus accou-
tered him, the vaniſhed in a Miſt, and the Hero per-
ceived it was the Goddefs, his Mother.
THE deftined Hour of Fate being now arrived, the
Fight began; whereof, before I dare adventure to make
a particular Defcription, I muft, after the Example of
other Authors, petition for a hundred Tongues, and
Mouths, and Hands, and Pens; which would all be too
little to perform fo immenſe a Work. Say, Goddeſs,
that prefideft over Hiftory, who it was that first ad-
vanced in the Field of Battle. Paracelfus, at the Head
of his Dragoons, obferving Galen in the adverfe Wing,
darted his Javelin with a mighty Force, which the
brave
The BATT LE.
179
brave Antient received upon his Shield,
the Point breaking in the fecond Fold. * Hic pauca
defunt.
They bore the wounded Aga on their Shields to his
Chariot
Defunt
nonnulla.
THEN Ariftotle, obferving Bacon advance with a fu-
rious Mien, drew his Bow to the Head, and let fly his
Arrow, which miffed the valiant Modern, and went hiz-
zing over his Head; but Des Cartes it hit; the Steel
Point quickly found a Defect in his Head-piece ; it pier-
ced the Leather and the Pafte-board, and went in at his
right Eye. The Torture of the Pain whirled the vali-
ant Bowman round, till Death, like a Star of fuperior
Influence, drew him into his own Vortex.
*
*
*
*
Ingens Hia-
tus hic in MS.
when Homer appeared at the Head of
the Calvery, mounted on a furious Horſe, with Diffi-
culty managed by the Rider himſelf, but which no o-
ther Mortal durft approach; he rode among the Ene-
mies Ranks, and bore down all before him. Say, God-
deſs, whom he flew firſt, and whom he flew laſt. Firſt,
Gondibert advanced againſt him, clad in heavy Ar-
mour, and mounted on a ftaid ſober Gelding, not fo
famed for his Speed, as his Docility in kneeling, when-
ever his Rider would mount or alight. He had made a
Vow to Pallas, that he would never leave the Field,
till he had ſpoiled ‡ Homer of his Armour; Madman,
‡ Vid. Homer.
who
180
The BATT LE.
who had never once feen the Wearer, nor underſtood
his Strength. Him Homer overthrew, Horfe and
Man to the Ground, there to be trampled and choak-
ed in the Dirt. Then, with a long Spear, he flew
Denham, a ftout Modern, who, from his † Father's
Side, derived his Lineage from Apollo, but his Mother
was of Morial Race. He fell, and bit the Earth. The
Celeſtial Part Apollo took, and made it a Star, but the
Terreftri 1 lay wallowing upon the Ground. Then Ho-
mer ſlew W—ſly, with a Kick of his Horfe's Heel ;
he took Perrault by mighty Force out of his Saddle,
then hurled him at Fontenelle, with the fame Blow
dafhing out both their Brains.
ON the left Wing of the Horfe, Virgil appeared in
fhining Armour, compleatly fitted to his Body: He
was mounted on a Dapple-grey Steed, the Slowness of
whoſe Pace was an Effect of the higheſt of Mettle and
Vigour. He caft his Eye on the adverſe Wing, with a
Defire to find an Object worthy of his Valour, when
behold, upon a forrel Gelding of a monftrous Size, ap-
peared a Foe, iffuing from among the thickeft of the
Enemy's Squadrons; but his Speed was lefs than his
Noife; for his Horfe, old and lean, fpent the Dregs of
his Strength in a high Trot, which, tho' it made flow
Advances, yet cauſed a loud Claſhing of his Armour,
terrible to hear. The two Cavaliers had now approach-
ed within the Throw of a Lance, when the Stranger
defired a Parley, and lifting up the Vizor of his Hel-
met, a Face hardly appeared from within, which, af-
ter a Pauſe, was known for that of the renowned Dry-
den. The brave Antient fuddenly ſtarted, as one poſ-
+ Sir John Denham's Poems are very unequal, ex-
tremely good, and very indifferent; fo that his Detrac-
tors faid, he was not the real Author of Cooper's Hill.
feffed
The BATTLE.
181
feffed with Surprize and Difappointment together;
For, the Helmet was nine Times too large for the
Head, which appeared fituate far in the hinder Part,
even like the Lady in a Lobſter, or like a Mouſe under
a Canopy of State, or like a fhrivelled Beau from with-
in the Pent-Houfe of a modern Periwig: And the
Voice was fuited to the Vifage, founding weak and
remote. Dryden, in a long Harangue, foothed up the
good Antient, called him Father, and, by a large De-
duction of Genealogies, made it plainly appear, that
they were nearly related. Then he humbly propoſed
an Exchange of Armour, as a lafting Mark of Hof-
pitality between them. Virgil confented (for the God-
defs Diffidence came unſeen, and caſt a Miſt before his
Eyes) though his was of ‡ Gold, and coſt a hundred
Beeves, the others but of rufty Iron. However, this
glittering Armour became the Modern yet worſe than
his own. Then, they agreed to exchange Horfes; but,
when it came to the Trial, Dryden was afraid, and
utterly unable to mount.
*
Alter hiatus
in MS.
* Lucan appear'd
upon a fiery Horſe of admirable Shape, but head-ftrong,
bearing the Rider where he lift, over the Field; he
made a mighty Slaughter arong the Enemy's Horſe;
which Destruction to ftop, Bl--ckm--re, a famous Ma-
dern (but one of the Mercenaries) ftrenuously oppofed
himſelf, and darted his Javelin, with a ſtrong Hand,
which, falling fhort of its Mark, ftruck deep in the
Earth. Then Lucan threw a Launce; but Æfculapius
came unfeen, and turned off the Point. Brave Modern,
↑ Vid. Homer.
;
Sand
182
The BATTLE.
faid Lucan, I perceive fome God protects you, for never
did my Arm Jo deceive me before: But what Mortal can
contend with a God? Therefore, let us fight no longer,
but prefent Gifts to each other. Lucan then bestowed
the Modern a Pair of Spurs, and Bl-ckm-re gave Lu-
can a Bridle.
Pauca de-
Junt.
*
Creech: But the Goddefs Dulness took a Cloud, form-
ed into the Shape of Horace, armed and mounted, and
placed in a flying Pofture before him. Glad was the
Cavalier, to begin a Combat with a flying Foe, and
purfued the Image, threatening loud; 'till at laft it
led him to the peaceful Bower of his Father Ogleby,
by whom he was diſarmed, and affigned to his Repoſe,
and
THEN Pindar flew
and Oldham,
and and Afra the Amazon, light of Foot, never
advancing in a direct Line, but wheeling with incre-
dible Agility and Force, he made a terrible Slaughter
among the Enemies Light-Horfe. Him, when Cowley
obferved, his generous Heart burnt within him, and
he advanced againſt the fierce Antient, imitating his
Addreſs, his Pace, and Career, as well as the Vigour
of his Horfe, and his own Skill would allow. When
the two Cavaliers had approached within the Length
of three Javelins; firft Cowley threw a Launce, which
miffed Pendar, and, paffing into the Enemy's Ranks,
fell ineffectual to the Ground. Then Pindar darted
Javelin, fo large and weighty, that fcarce a dozen Ca-
valiers, as Cavaliers are in our degenerate Days, could
raiſe it from the Ground; yet he threw it with Eaſe,
and it went by an unerring Hand, finging through the
Air; nor could the Modern have avoided prefent
Death, if he had not luckily oppofed the Shield that
had
The BATTLE.
183
had been given him by Venus. And now both Hero's
drew their Swords, but the Modern was fo aghaft and
difordered, that he knew not where he was; his
Shield dropped from his Hands; thrice he fled, and
thrice he could not eſcape ; at laſt he turned, and lift-
ing up his Hands, in the Pofture of a Suppliant, God-
like Pindar, faid he, ſpare my Life, and poffefs my Horſe
with thefe Arms; befides the Ranfom which my Friends
will give, when they hear I am alive, and your Prifo-
ner Dog, faid Pindar, let your Ranfom ftay with your
Friends; but your Carcass fhall be left for the Fowls of
the Air, and the Beaſts of the Field. With that, he
raiſed his Sword, and, with a mighty Stroke, cleft the
wretched Modern in twain, the Sword purfuing the
Blow; and one Half lay panting on the Ground, to be
trod in Pieces by the Horfes Feet, the other Half was
borne by the frighted Steed thro' the Field. This
Venus took, waſhed it ſeven Times in Ambrofia, then
ftruck it thrice with a Sprig of Amarant ; upon which,
the Leather grew round and foft, and the Leaves
turned into Feathers, and being gilded before, con-
tinued gilded ftill; fo it became a Dove, and ſhe
harneffed it to her Chariot. *
*
*
*
Hiatus valde
* deflendus in MS.
DAY being far fpent, and the numerous Forces of
the Moderns half inclining to a Retreat, there iffued
forth, from a Squadron of their heavy-armed Foot, † a
Captain, whofe Name was B-ntly; the most deform-
ed of all the Moderns; tall, but without Shape or
I do not approve the Author's Judgment in this, for
I think Cowley's Pindarics are much preferable to his
Miftrefs.
+ The Epiſode of E-n 1-y and W-tt-n.
Com-
184
The BATT L Ë.
Comlinefs; large, but without Strength or Propor-
tion. His Armour was patch'd up of a thouſand in-
coherent Pieces ; and the Sound of it, as he marched,
was loud and dry, like that made by the Fall of a
Sheet of Lead, which an Etefian Wind blows fudden-
ly down from the Roof of fome Steeple. His Hel-
met was of old rafty Iron, but the Vizor was Braſs,
which, tainted by his Breath, corrupted into Coppe-
ras, nor wanted Gall from the fame Fountain; fo
that, whenever provoked by Anger or Labour, an
atramentous Quality, of moft malignant Nature, was
feen to diftil from his Lips. In his † right Hand he
grafp'd a Flail, and (that he might never be unpro-
vided of an offenfive Weapon) a Veſſel full of Ordure
in his left: Thus compleatly arm'd, he advanced with
a flow and heavy Pace, where the Modern Chiefs
were holding a Confult upon the Sum of Things; who,
as he came onwards, laugh'd to behold his crooked
Leg, and hump Shoulder, which his Boot and Armour,
vainly endeavouring to hide, were forced to comply
with, and expoſe. The General made ufe of him
for his Talent of Railing; which, kept within Govern-
ment, proved frequently of great Service to their
Cauſe, but at other Times did more Miſchief than
Good: For at the leaft Touch of Offence, and often
without any at all, he would, like a wounded Ele-
phant, convert it against his Leaders. Such, at this
Juncture, was the Difpofition of B-ntly, grieved to
fee the Enemy prevail, and diffatisfied with every Bo-
dy's Conduct but his own. He humbly gave the Mo-
dern Generals to underſtand, that he conceived with
great Submiffion, they were all a Pack of Rogues, and
+ The Perfon, here ſpoken of, is famous for letting fly
at every Body, without Diftinction, and ufing mean and
foul Scurrilities.
Fools,
The BATTLE.
185
Fools, and Sons of Whores, and d-n'd Cowards, and
confounded Loggerheads, and illiterate Whelps, and non-
fenfical Scoundrels; that if himself had been conftitu-
ted General, thoſe ‡ preſumptuous Dogs, the Antients,
would, long before this, have been beaten out of the
Field. You faid he, fit here idle ; but when I, or any
other valiant Modern, kill an Enemy, you are fure to
Seize the Spoil. But, I will not march one Foot againft
the Foe, 'till you all fwear to me, that, whomever I
take or kill, bis Arms Ishall quietly poffefs. B-ntl-y ha-
ving ſpoke thus, Scaliger beftowing him a four Look;
Mifereant Prater, faid he, Eloquent only in thine own
Eyes, thou raileft without Wit, or Truth, or Difcreti-
The Malignity of thy Temper perverteth Nature,
thy Learning makes thee more barbarous, thy Study of
Humanity, more inhuman; thy Converfe aming Poets,
more groveling, miry, and dull. All Arts of civilizing
others render thee rude and untractable; Courts have
taught thee ill Manners, and polite Converſation has
finish'd thee a Pedant. Beſides, a greater Coward bur-
theneth not the Army. But never defpond, I pass my
Word, whatever Spoil thou takeſt, ſhall certainly be thy
own; though, I hope, that vile Carcass will firft be-
come a Prey to Kites and Worms.
on.
B-NIL-Y durft not reply; but, half choak'd
with Spleen and Rage, withdrew, in full Reſolution of
performing fome great Atchievement. With him,
for his Aid and Companion, he took his beloved W-t-
t-n; refolving by Policy or Surprize, to attempt fome
neglected Quarter of the Antients Army. They began
their March over Carcaffes of their ſlaughter'dFriends;
then to the Right of their own Forces; then wheeled
Northward, 'till they came to Aldrovandus's Tomb,
‡ Vid. Homer, de Therfite.
which
186
The BATTLE.
which they paffed on the Side of the declining Sun:
And now they arrived with Fear towards the Enemy's
Out-Guards; looking about, if haply, they might "fpy
the Quarters of the Wounded, or fome ftragling Sleep-
ers, unarm’d, and remote from the reſt. As when two
Mungrel Curs, whom native Greediness, and domeftic
Want, provoke and join in Partnerſhip, though fear-
ful, nightly to invade the Folds of fome rich Grazier :
They, with Tails deprefs'd and lolling Tongues, creep
foft and flow; mean while, the confcious Moon, now
in her Zenith, on their guilty Heads, darts perpendi-
cular Rays; nor dare they bark, tho' much provok'd
at her refulgent Vifage, whether feen in Puddle by
Reflection, or in Sphere direct; but one furveys the
Region round, while t'other ſcouts the Plain, if haply,
to diſcover, at Diſtance from the Flock, fome Carcass
half devoured, the Refuſe of gorged Wolves, or omi-
pous Ravens. So march'd this lovely, loving Pair of
Friends, nor with leis Fear and Circumfpection;
when, at Diſtance, they might perceive two fhining
Suits of Armour, hanging upon an Oak, and the
Owners not far off in a profound Sleep. The two
Friends dew Lots, and the Purfaing of this Adven-
ture fell to B-ntly; on he went, and in his Van Con-
fufion and Amaze, while Horror and Affright brought
up the Rear. As he came near, behold two Heros
of the Antients Army, Phalaris and Æſop, lay faſt a
fleep: B-ntly would fain have difpatch'd them both,
and, ftealing clofe, aim'd his Flail at Phalaris's Breaſt.
But then the Goddeſs Affright interpofing, caught
the Modern in her icy Arms, and dragg'd him from
the Danger fhe forefaw; both the dormant Heros
happen'd to turn at the fame Inftant, tho' foundly
fleeping, and buſy in a Dream. † For Phalaris was
† This is according to Homer, who tells the Dreams
of those who were kill'd in their Sleep.
jult
The BATTLE.
187
ult that Minute dreaming, how a moft vile Poetafter
had lampooned him, and how he had got him roaring
in his Bull. And Æop dreamed, that, as he and the
Antient Chiefs were lying on the Ground, a wild Aſs
broke looſe, ran about trampling and kicking, and
dunging in their Faces. B-ntly, leaving the two
Heroes afleep, feiz'd on both their Armours, and with-
drew in Queſt of his Darling Wtt—n.
Ha, in the mean Time, had wander'd long in Search
of fome Enterprize, 'till, at length, he arrived at
a fmall Rivulet that iffued from a Fountain hard
by, call'd in the Language of mortal Men Helicon.
Here he ſtopped, and parch'd with Thirſt, refolv'd
to allay it in this limpid Stream. Thrice with profane
Hands he effay'd to raiſe the Water to his Lips, and
thrice it flipped all thro' his Fingers. Then he ftoop'd
próne on his Breaft, but, e're his Mouth had kifs'd
the liquid Chryſtal, Apollo came, and in the Channel
held his Shield betwixt the Modern and the Fountain,
fo that he drew up nothing but Mud. For, altho' no
Fountain on Earth can compare with the Clearneſs of
Helicon, yet there lies at Bottom a thick Sediment of
Slime and Mud; for fo Apollo begg'd of Jupiter, as
a Puniſhment to thofe who durft attempt to tafte it
with unhallow'd Lips, and for a Leffon to all, not
to draw too deep, or far from the Spring.
Ar the Fountain Head, W-tt-n difcern'd two He-
foès; the one he could not diftinguiſh, but the other
was foon known for Temple, General of the Allies to
the Antients. His Back was turned, and he was em-
ploy'd in drinking large Draughts in his Helmet,
from the Fountain, where he had withdrawn himſelf
to reft from the Toils of the War. W-tt-n, obſerving
him, with quaking Knees, and trembling Hands, ſpoke
thus to himself: Oh, that I could kill this Deftroyer of
P
Our
188
The BAT T L E.
;
our Army! What Renown fhould I purchaſe among the
Chiefs? But to iffue out againſt him, * Man for Man,
Shield against Shield, and Launce againft Launce, what
Modern of us dare? For he fights like a God, and Pal-
las, or Apollo, are ever at his Elbow. But, Oh, Mo-
ther! if what Fame reports be true, that I am the
Son of ſo great a Goddess, grant me to hit Temple
with this Launce, that the Stroke may ſend him to Hell,
ʼand that I may return in Safety and Triumph laden with
his Spoils. The first Part of his Prayer the Gods grant-
ed, at the Interceffion of his Mother, and of Momus
but the reft, by a perverfe Wind, fent from Fate, was
fcattered in the Air. Then W-tt-n grafp'd his
Launce, and, brandifhing it thrice over his Head, dart-
ed it with all his Might, the Goddess his Mother, at
the fame Time, adding Strength to his Arm, Away
the Launce went hizzing, and reach'd even to the Belt
of the averted Antient, upon which, lightly grazing,
it fell to the Ground. Temple neither felt the Weapon
touch him, nor heard it fall; and W-tt-n might have
eſcaped to his Army, with the Honour of having re-
mitted his Launce againſt ſo great a Leader, unreven-
ged; but, Apollo, enraged, that a Javelin, flung by the
Affiftance of fo foul a Goddefs, fhould pollute his Foun-
tain, put on the Shape of and foftly came to
young Boyle, who then accompanied Temple: He
pointed firft to the Launce, then to the diftant Modern
that flung it, and commanded the young Hero to take
immediate Revenge. Boyle, clad in a Suit of Armour
which had been given him by all the Gods, immediately
advanced again the trembling Foe, who now fled be-
fore him. As a young Lion in the Libyan Plains, or
Araby Defart, fent by his aged Sire to hunt for Prey,
or Health, or Exerciſe; he fcours along, wiſhing to
* Vid. Homer.
meet
The BATTLE.
189
meet ſome Tyger from the Mountains, or a furious
Boar: If chance a Wild Afs, with Brayings impor-
tune, affronts his Ear, the generous Beaft, though
loathing to diftain his Claws with Blood fo vile, yet
much provok'd at the offenfive Noife; which Echo,
fooliſh Nymph, like her ill-judging Sex, repeats much
louder, and with more Delight than Philomela's Song:
He vindicates the Honour of the Foreft, and hunts
the noify long-ear'd Animal. So W-tt-n fled, fo Boyle
purfued. But W-tt-n heavy arm'd, and flow of Foot,
began to flack his Courſe; when his Lover B-ntl-y
appeared, returning laden with the Spoils of the two
fleeping Antients. Boyle obferved him well, and foon
difcovering the Helmet and Shield of Phalaris, his
Friend, both which he had lately with his own Hands
new poliſh'd and gilded; Rage fparkled in his Eyes,
and leaving his Purfuit after W-tt-n, he furiously rufh-
ed on againſt this new Approacher. Fain would he be
revenged on both; but both now fled different Ways:
+ And as a Woman in a little Houſe, that gets a
painful Livelihood by Spinning; if chance her Geefe
be ſcattered o'er the Common, the courfes round the
Plain from Side to Side, compelling here and there
the Stragglers to the Flock; they cackle loud, and
flutter o'er the Champain. So Boyle purfued, fo fled
this Pair of Friends: Finding at length, their Flight
was vain, they bravely join'd, and drew themſelves
in Phalanx. First, B-ntly threw a Spear with all his
Force, hoping to pierce the Enemy's Breaft: But Pal-
las came unſeen,” and in the Air took off the Point,
This is alſo after the Manner of Homer; the Wo-
man's getting a painful Livelihood by Spinning, has no-
thing to do with the Similitude, nor would be excuſable
without fuch an Authority.
Vid. Homer,
P z
2
and
190
The BATTLE.
and clapp'd on one of Lead, which, after a dead Bang
againſt the Enemy's Shield, fell blunted to the Ground.
Then Boyle, obſerving well his Time, took a Launce
of wondrous Length and Sharpness; and as this Pair
of Friends compacted ſtood cloſe Side to Side, he
wheel'd him to the Right, and, with unuſual Force,
darted the Weapon. B-ntly faw his Fate approach,
and flanking down his Arms cloſe to his Ribs, hoping
to fave his Body; in went the Point, paffing through
Arm and Side, nor ftopped, or ſpent its Force 'till it
had alſo pierc'd the valiant W-tt-n, who, going to
fuftain his dying Friend, fhared his Fate. As when a
fkilful Cook has trufs'd a Brace of Woodcocks, he, with
iron Skewer, pierces the tender Sides of both, their
Legs and Wings cloſe pinioned to their Ribs: So was
this Pair of Friends transfix'd, 'till down they fell,
join'd in their Lives, join'd in their Deaths; fo clofely
join'd, that Charon would miſtake them both for one,
and waft them over Styx for half his Fare. Farewel,
beloved, loving Pair; few Equals have you left be-
hind: And happy and immortal fhall you be, if all my
Wit and Eloquence can make
AND, now
you.
**
*
Defunt cætera.
FINI S.
A
DISCOURSE
Concerning the
MECHANICAL OPERATION
OF THE
SPIRIT.
IN A
LETTER
TOA
FRIE N D.
A
FRAGMENT.
[ 193 ]
THE
BOOKSELLER's
ADVERTISEMENT.
TH
HE following Difcourfe came into
my Hands perfect and intire: But
there being feveral Things in it,
which the prefent Age would not very well
bear, I kept it by me fome Years, refolu-
ing it should never fee the Light. At
length by the Advice and Affiftance of a
judicious Friend, I retrenched thofe Parts
that might give moft Offence, and have
now ventured to publish the Remainder.
Concerning the Author, I am wholly ig-
norant; neither can I conjecture, whe-
ther it be the fame with That of the two
P 4
fore-
194 The Bookfeller's Advertiſement.
foregoing Pieces, the Original having
been fent me at a different Time, and in
a different Hand. The Learned Reader
will better determine, to whofe Judgment
I intirely fubmit it.
ADIS-
[ 195 ]
A
DISCOURSE
Concerning the
MECHANICAL OPERATION
OF THE
SPIRIT, &c.
For T. H. Esquire, at his Chambers in the
Academy of the Beaux Efprits in New-
Holland.
SIR,
I
Tis now a good while fince I have had in my
Head fomething, not only very material, but ab-
folutely neceffary to my Health, that the World
fhould be informed in. For, to tell you a Secret,
I am able to contain it no longer. However, I have
been perplexed for fome Time, to refolve what would
be
This Diſcourſe is not altogether equal to the former,
the beft Parts of it being omitted; whether the Book-
Seller's
196
A FRAGMENT.
be the most proper Form to fend it abroad in. Ta
which End, I have been three Days courfing through
Weftminfer-Hall, and St. Paul's Church-Yard, and
Fleet-Street, to peruſe Titles; and, I do not find any
which holds fo general a Vogue, as that of A Letter to
Friend: Nothing is more common than to meet with
long Epiftles addreffed to Perſons and Places, where,
at first Thinking, one would be apt to imagine it not
altogether fo neceffary or convenient; fuch as, a
Neighbour at next Door, a mortal Enemy, a perfect
Stranger, or a Perfon of Quality in the Clouds; and
theſe upon Subjects, in Appearance, the leaft proper
for Conveyance by the Poft; as, long Schemes in Phi-
lofophy; dark and wonderful Mysteries of State; labori-
ous Differtations in Criticism and Philofophy; Advice
to Parliaments, and the like.
Now, Sir, to proceed after the Method in prefent
Wear. (For, let me fay what I will to the contrary, I
am afraid you will publiſh this Letter, as foon as ever
it comes to your Hand.) I defire you will be my Wit-
nefs to the World, how carelefs and fudden a Scribble
it has been; that it was but Yeſterday, when you and
I began accidentally to fall into Difcourfe on this
Matter; that I was not very well when we parted;
that the Poft is in fuch Hafte, I have had no Manner
of Time to digeft it into Order, or correct the Style;
and if any other modern Excuſes, for Haſte and Negli-
feller's Account be true, that he durft not print the reſt,
I know not, nor, indeed, is it eafy to determine, whe-
ther he may be relied on, in any Thing he ſays of this,
or the former Treatifes, only as to the Time they were
writ in; which, however, appears more from the Dif
courfes themselves, than his Relation.
gence,
A FRAGMENT.
197
gence, fhall occur to you in Reading, I beg you to
infert them, faithfully promifing they fhall be thank-
fully acknowledged.
PRAY, Sir, in your next Letter to the Iroquois
Virtuofi, do me the Favour to prefent my humble
Service to that illuftrious Body, and affure them, I
fhall fend an Account of thoſe Phænomena, as foon
as we can determine them at Grebam.
I HAVE not had a Line from the Literati of Tobi-
nambou, theſe three laſt Ordinaries.
AND now, Sir, having diſpatched what I had to
fay of Forms, or of Buſineſs, let me intreat, you will
fuffer me to proceed upon my Subject; and to pardon
me, if I make no farther Ufe of the Epiftolary
Style, 'till I come to conclude.
"T
SECT. I.
IS recorded of Mahomet, that, upon a Vifit he
was going to pay in Paradife, he had an Offer
of feveral Vehicles to conduct him upwards;
as fiery Chariots, wing'd Horfes, and celeftial Sedans:
But he refuſed them all, and would be borne to Heaven
upon nothing but his Afs. Now, this Inclination of
Mahomet, as fingular as it feems, hath been fince taken
up by a great Number of devout Chriftians; and doubt-
lefs, with very good Reaſon. For fince that Arabian is
known to have borrowed a Moiety of his religious
Syſtem from the Chriftian Faith, it is but juſt he ſhould
pay Reprifals to fuch as would challenge them, where-
in the good People of England, to do them all Right,
have not been backward. For, tho' there is not any o-
ther Nation in the World fo plentifully provided with
Car-
198
A FRAGMENT.
Carriages for that Journey, either as to Safety or Eafe;
yet there are Abundance of us, who will not be fatisfied
with any other Machine, befides this of Mahomet.
FOR my own Part, I muſt confeſs to bear a very
fingular Reſpect to this Animal, by whom I take Hu-
man Nature to be moſt admirably held forth in all its
Qualities as well as Operations: And therefore, what-
ever in my ſmall Reading occurs, concerning this our
Fellow-Creature, I do never fail to fet it down, by
Way of Common-place; and when I have Occafion to
write upon Human Reaſon, Politics, Eloquence, or
Knowledge; I lay my Memorandums before me, and
infert them with a wonderful Facility of Application.
However, among all the Qualifications afcribed to this
diftinguifh'd Brute, by Antient or Modern Authors,
I cannot remember this Talent of bearing his Rider
to Heaven, has been recorded for a Part of his Charac-
ter, except in the two Examples mentioned already;
therefore, I conceive the Methods of this Art to be a
Point of uſeful Knowledge in very few Hands, and
which the Learned World would gladly be better in-
formed in: This is what I have undertaken to perform
in the following Difcourfe. For, towards the Opera-
tion already mentioned, many peculiar Properties are
required, both in the Rider and the Afs; which I fhall
endeavour to fet in as clear a Light as I can.
BUT, becauſe I am refolved, by all Means, to a-
void giving Offence to any Party whatever, I will
leave off difcourfing fo clofely to the Letter, as I have
hitherto done, and go on for the Future by Way of
Allegory, tho' in fuch a Manner, that the judicious
Reader may, without much Straining, make his Appli-
cations as often as he fhall think fit. Therefore, if you
pleaſe, from hence forward, inftead of the Term, Aſs,
we fhall make Ufe of Gifted, or Enlightened Teacher;
and
A FRAGMENT
199
and the Word, Rider, we will exchange for that of
Fanatic Auditory, or any other Denomination of the
like Import. Having fettled this weighty Point; the
great Subject of Enquiry before us, is to examine, by
what Methods this Teacher arrives at his Gifts, or
Spirit, or Light; and by what Intercourfe between
him and his Affembly it is cultivated and fupported.
In all my Writings, I have had conftant Regard to
this great End, not to fuit and apply them to particu-
lar Occafions and Circumftances of Time, of Place,
or of Perſon; but to calculate them for univerſal Na-
ture, and Mankind in general. And of ſuch Catholic
Ufe, I efteem this prefent Difquifition; for I do not
remember any other Temper of Body, or Quality of
Mind, wherein all Nations and Ages of the World
have fo unanimously agreed, as that of a Fanatic
Strain, or Tincture of Enthuſiaſm; which improved
by certain Perſons or Societies of Men, and by them
practiſed upon the reft, has been able to produce Re-
volutions of the greateſt Figure in Hiftory; as will
foon appear to thoſe who know any Thing of Arabia,
Perfia, India, or China, of Morocco and Peru. Far-
ther, it has poffeffed as great a Power in the Kingdom
of Knowledge, where it is hard to affign one Art or Sci-
ence, which has not annexed to it fome Fanatic Branch:
Such are the Philoſopher's Stone ; † The Grand Elixir ş
The Planetary Worlds; The Squaring of the Circle;
The Summum Bonum; Utopian Common-wealths; with
fome others of lefs or fubordinate Note; which all
ferve for nothing elſe, but to employ or amuſe this
Grain of Enthuſiaſm, dealt into every Compofition.
BUT, if this Plant has found a Root in the Fields of
Empire and of Knowledge, it has fixed deeper, and
↑ Some Writers hold them for the fame, others not.
Spread
200
A FRAGMENT.
fpread yet farther upon Holy Ground. Wherein, tho'
it hath paffed under the general Name of Enthuſiaſm,
and, perhaps. arifen from the fame Original, yet
hath it produced certain Branches of a very different
Nature, however often miſtaken for each other.
The Word, in its univerfal Acceptation, may be de-
fined, A Lifting up of the Soul, or its Faculties, above
Matter. This Defcription will hold good in Gene-
ral; but I am only to underſtand it, as applied to Re-
ligion; wherein there are three general Ways of eja-
culating the Soul, or tranſporting it beyond the Sphere
of Matter. The firft, is the immediate A&t of God,
and is called Prophecy or Inſpiration. The fecond, is
the immediate A&t of the Devil, and is termed Pof-
feffion. The third, is the Product of natural Cauſes,
the Effect of ftrong Imagination, Spleen, violent An-
ger, Fear, Grief, Pain, and the like. Theſe three
have been abundantly treated on by Authors, and
therefore ſhall not employ my Enquiry. But, the
fourth Method of Religious Enthufiafm, or Launching
out of the Soul, as it is purely an Effect of Artifice
and Mechanic Operation, has been fparingly handled,
or not at all, by any Writer; becauſe, tho' it is an
Art of great Antiquity, yet having been confined to
few Perfons, it long wanted thofe Advancements and
Refinements, which it afterwards met with, fince it
has grown fo Epidemic, and fallen into fo many
cultivating Hands.
Ir is therefore upon this Mechanical Operation of
the Spirit, that I mean to treat, as it is at prefent per-
formed by our Britiſh Workmen. I fhall deliver to the
Reader the Reſult of many judicious Obfervations up-
on the Matter; tracing, as near as I can, the whole
Courſe and Method of this Trade, producing paral-
lel Inſtances, and relating certain Difcoveries that
have luckily fallen in my Way.
I HAVE
A FRAGMENT.
201
I HAVE faid that their is one Branch of Religions
Enthufiafm,which is purely anEffect of Nature; where-
as, the Part I mean to handle, is wholly an Effect of
Art, which, however, is inclined to work upon cer-
tain Natures and Conſtitutions, more than others. Be-
fides, there is many an Operation, which, in its Ori-
ginal, was purely an Artifice, but, thro' a long Succef-
fion of Ages, hath grown to be natural. Hippocrates
tells us, that among our Anceſtors, the Scythians, there
was a Nation called † Long-heads, which at firft began
by a Cuſtom among Midwives and Nurſes, of mould-
ing, and fqueefing, and bracing up the Heads of In-
fants, by which Means, Nature ſhut out at one Paffage,
was forced to feek another, and, finding Room above,
fhot upwards, in the Form of a Sugar-loaf; and being
diverted that Way, for fome Generations, at laſt
found it out of herſelf, needing no Aſſiſtance from the
Nurfe's Hand. This was the Original of the Scythian
Long-heads, and thus did Cuſtom, from being a ſecond
Nature, proceed to be a firſt. To all which, there is
fomething very analogous among Us of this Nation,
who are the undoubted Pofterity of that refined People.
For, in the Age of our Fathers, there arofe a Genera-
tion of Men in this Ifland, called Round heads, whoſe
Race is now spread over three Kingdoms, yet, in its
Beginning, was merely an Operation of Art, produced
by a Pair of Sciffars, a Squeeze of the Face, and a
black Cap. Thefe Heads, thus formed into a per-
fect Sphere in all Affemblies, were moſt expoſed to the
View of the Female Sort, which did influence their
Conceptions fo effectually, that Nature, at laft, took
the Hint, and did it of herſelf; fo that a Round-head
has been ever fince as familiar a Sight among Us, as
a Long-head among the Scythians.
+ Macrocephali.
UPON
202
A FRAGMENÏ.
UPON thefe Examples, and others eafy to produce,
I defire the curious Reader to diftinguiſh, Firſt be
tween an Effect grown from Art into Nature, and one
that is natural from its Beginning: Secondly, be-
tween an Effect wholly natural, and one which has
only a natural Foundation, but where the Superftruc-
ture is intirely Artificial. For, the firft and the laſt
of theſe, I underſtand to come within the Districts of
my Subject. And having obtained thefe Allowan-
ces, they will ferve to remove any Objections that
may be raiſed hereafter againſt what I fhall advance.
THE Practitioners of this famous Art proceed in
general upon the following Fundamental: That, the
Corruption of the Senfes is the Generation of the Spirit:
Becauſe the Senfes in Men are fo many Avenues to
the Fort of Reaſon, which in this Operation is wholly
block'd up.
All Endeavours muſt be therefore uſed,
either to divert, bind up, flupify, flufter, and amuſé
the Senfes, or elfe to juftle them out of their Stations ;
and while they are either abfent, or otherwiſe em-
ploy'd, or engaged in a civil War against each other,
the Spirit enters and performs its Part.
کھو
Now, the ufual Methods of managing the Senfes
upon fuch Conjunctures, are what I fhall be very par-
ticular in delivering, as far as it is lawful for me to
do; but having had the Honour to be initiated into
the Myfteries of every Society, I defire to be excufed
from divulging any Rites, wherein the Profane muſt
have no Part.
BUT here, before I can proceed farther, a very
dangerous Objection muft, if poffible, be removed.
For, it is pofitively denied by certain Critics, that the
Spirit can by any means be introduced into an Affem-
bly of modern Saints; the Diſparity being fo great in
many
A FRAGMENT.
203
many material Circumftances, between the Primitive
Way of Infpiration, and that which is practiſed in the
prefent Age. This they pretend to prove from the
fecond Chapter of the As, where comparing both, it
appears; Firſt, that the Apofiles were gathered together
with one Accord in one Place; by which is meant, an
univerfal Agreement in Opinion, and Form of Wor-
fhip; a Harmony (fay they) fo far from being found
between any two Conventicles among us, that it is in
vain to expect it between any two Heads in the fame.
Secondly, the Spirit inftructed the Apoſtles in the Gift
of ſpeaking ſeveral Languages; a Knowledge fo re-
mote from our Dealers in this Art, that they neither
underſtand Propriety of Words or Phraſes, in their
own. Laſtly, ſay theſe Objectors) the modern Ar-
tifts do utterly exclude all Approaches of the Spirit,
and bar up its antient Way of entering, by covering
themſelves ſo cloſe, and fo induftrioufly a-top. For,
they will needs have it as a Point clearly gained, that
the Cloven Tongues never fat upon the Apostles Heads,
while their Hats were on.
Now, the Force of theſe Objections ſeems to
confiſt in the different Acceptation of the Word, Spi-
rit; which if it be underſtood for a fupernatural Af-
fiſtance, approaching from without, the Objectors
have Reaſon, and their Affertions may be allowed
but the Spirit we treat of here, proceeding intirely
from within, the Argument of theſe Adverfaries is
wholly eluded. And upon the fame Account, our
Modern Artificers find it an Expedient of abfolute Ne-
ceffity to cover their Heads as cloſe as they can, in
order to prevent Perſpiration, than which, nothing is
obferved to be a greater Splender of Mechanic Light,
as we may, perhaps, farther fhew in convenient Place.
To proceed therefore upon the Phænomenon of Spi-
е
ritual
204
A FRAGMENT.
ritual Mechaniſm, it is here to be noted, that in form-
ing, and working up the Spirit, the Affembly has a
confiderable Share, as well as the Preacher. The Me-
thod of this Arcanum is as follows: They violently
ftrain their Eye-balls inward, half clofing the Lids;
then, as they fit, they are in a perpetual Motion of
See-Saw, making long Hums at proper Periods, and
continuing the Sound at equal Height, chufing their
Time in thoſe Intermiffions, while the Preacher is at
Ebb. Neither is this Practice, in any part of it, fo
fingular and improbable, as not to be traced in diftant
Regions, from Reading and Obfervation. For, firft,
the + Fauguis, or enlighten'd Saints of India, fee all
their Vifions, by Help of an acquired Straining and
Preffure of the Eyes. Secondly, the Art of See-Saw
on a Beam, and Swinging by Seffion upon a Cord, in
order to raiſe artificial Extafies, hath been derived to
us from our * Scythian Anceſtors, where it is practiſ-
ed at this Day, among the Women. Laftly, the
whole Proceeding, as I have here related it, is per-
form'd by the Natives of Ireland, with a confiderable
Improvement; and it is granted, that this noble Na-
tion hath, of all others, admitted fewer Corruptions,
and degenerated leaft from the Purity of the old Tar-
tars. Now it is uſual for a Knot of Iriſh Men and
Women, to abſtract themſelves from Matter, bind up
all their Senfes, grow vifionary and ſpiritual, by In-
fluence of a ſhort Pipe of Tobacco, handed round the
Company; each preferving the Smoke in his Mouth,
'till it comes again to his Turn to take in freſh; at
the fame Time, there is a Concert of a continued gen-
the Hum, repeated and renewed by Inftinct, as Occafi-
on requires, and they move their Bodies up and down,
+ Bernier, Mem. de Mogol.
Guagnini Hift. Sarmat.
to
A FRAGMENT
205
to a Degree, that fometimes their Heads and Points
lie parallel to the Horizon. Mean while, you may
obferve their Eyes turned up in the Pofture of one,
who endeavours to keep himſelf awake; by which,
and many other Symptoms among them, it manifeft-
ly appears, that the reafoning Faculties are all faf-
pended and fuperfeded, that Imagination hath ufurp-
ed the Seat, fcattering, a thouſand Deliriums over the
Brain. Returning from this Digreffion, I fhall de-
ſcribe the Methods, by which the Spirit approaches..
The Eyes being difpofed according to Art, at firft,
you can ſee nothing; but, after a fhort Paufe, a ſmall
glimmering Light begins to appear, and dance before
you. Then, by frequently moving your Body up
and down, you perceive the Vapours to afcend very
faft, 'till you are perfectly dofed and fluftered like one
who drinks too much in a Morning. Mean while,
the Preacher is alſo at work; he begins a loud Hum,
which pierces you quite thro'; this is immediately
return'd by the Audience, and you find yourſelf
prompted to imitate them, by a meer fpontaneous
Impulſe, without knowing what you do. The In-
terftitia are duly filled up by the Preacher, to pre-
vent too long a Paufe, under which the Spirit would
foon faint and grow languid.
!
THIS is all I am allow'd to diſcover about the
Progrefs of the Spirit, with relation to that Part,
which is borne by the Affembly; but in the Methods
of the Preacher, to which I now proceed, I fhall be
more large and particular.
Q²
SECT.
206 A FRAGMENT.
Y
SECT II.
OU will read it very gravely remarked in the
Books of thoſe illuftrious and right eloquent
Penmen, the modern Travellers; that the fundamen-
tal Difference in Point of Religion, between the wild
Indians and us, lies in this: That we worship God, and
they worſhip the Devil. But, there are certain Cri-
tics, who will by no means admit of this Diftinction;
rather believing, that all Nations whatſoever adore
the true God, becauſe they ſeem to intend their De-
votions to fome inviſible Power, of greateſt Goodneſs
and Ability to help them; which perhaps will take
in the brighteſt Attributes afcribed to the Divinity.
Others, again, inform us, that thoſe Idolaters adore
two Principles; the Principle of Good, and that of
Evil: Which, indeed, 1 am-apt to look upon as the
moſt univerſal Notion, that Mankind, by the meer
Light of Nature, ever entertained of Things invifible.
How this Idea hath been managed by the Indians and
us, and with what Advantage to the Underſtandings
of either, may well deſerve to be examined. To me,
the Difference appears little more than this, that they
are put oftener upon their Knees by their Fears, and
we by our Defires: that the former fet them a pray-
ing, and us a curfing. What I applaud them for, is
their Diſcretion, in limiting their Devotions and their
Deities to their ſeveral Diſtricts, nor ever ſuffering
the Liturgy of the white God, to croſs or to interfere
with that of the black. Not fo with us, who pretend-
ing by the Lines and Meaſures of our Reaſon, to ex-
tend the Dominion of one inviſible Power, and con-
tract that of the other, have diſcovered a grofs Igno-
rance in the Natures of Good and Evil, and moſt hor-
ribly confounded the Frontiers of both. After Men
have
A FRAGMENT.
207
have lifted up the Throne of their Divinity to the
Calum Empyreum, adorned with all fuch Qualities
and Accompliſhments, as themſelves feem moft to va-
lue and poffefs: After they have funk their Principle
of Evil to the loweſt Center, bound him with Chains,
loaded him with Curfes, furniſhed him with vile:
Difpofitions than any Rake-hell of the Town, accou-
tred him with Tail, and Horns, and huge Claws, and
Sawcer Eyes; I laugh aloud, to fee theſe Reaſoners,
at the fame Time engaged in wife Difpute, about cer-
tain Walks and Purlieus whether they are in the
Verge of God or the Devil, ſeriouſly debating, whether
fuch and fuch Influences come into Mens Minds from
above or below, whether certain Paffions and Af-
fections are guided by the Evil Spirit or the Good :
Dum fas atque nefas exiguo fine libidinum
Difcernunt avidi
Thus do Men eſtabliſh a Fellowship of Chrift with Be-
lial, and fuch is the Analogy they make between cloven
Tongues and cloven Feet. Of the like Nature is the
Difquifition before us: It hath continued thefe hun-
dred Years as an even Debate, whether the Deportment
and the Cant of our English Enthuſiaſtic Preachers
were Poffeffion, or Inspiration, and a World of Argu-
ment has been drained on either Side, perhaps, to little
Purpoſe. For I think, it is in Life as in Tragedy, where,
it is held a Conviction of great Defect, both in Order
and Invention, to interpoſe the Affiſtance of preter-
natural Power, without an abſolute and laft Neceffity.
However, it is a Sketch of Human Vanity, for every
Individual, to imagine the whole Univerfe is intereſted
in his meanest Concern. If he hath got cleanly over
a Kennel, fome Angel unfeen, defcended on Purpoſe,
to help him by the Hand; if he hath knock'd his
Q3
Head
208
A FRAGMENT.
Head againſt a Poft, it was the Devil, for his Sins, let
looſe from Hell on Purpoſe to buffet him. Who, that
fees a little paultry Mortal, droning, and dreaming,
and drivelling to a Multitude, can think it agreeable
to common good Senſe, that either Heaven or Hell
fhould be put to the Trouble of Influence or Inspection
upon what he is about? Therefore, I am refolved
immediately, to weed this Error out of Mankind, by
making it clear, that this Myftery, of vending fpiri-
tual Gifts is nothing but a Trade, acquired by as
much Inftruction, and maſtered by equal Practice and
Application, as others are. This will beft appear by
defcribing and deducing the whole Procefs of the O-
peration, as varioufly as it hath fallen under my
Knowledge or Experience.
*
*
*
Here the whole Scheme
of Spiritual Mechaniſm
was deduced and explain- *
ed, with an Appearance of
great Reading and Obfer- *
vation ; but it was thought
neither fafe nor conveni-
ent to Print it.
*
*
HERE it may not be amifs, to add a few Words
upon the laudable Practice of wearing quilted Caps ;
which is not a Matter of meer Cuftom, Humour, or
Faſhion, as ſome would pretend, but an Inſtitution of
great Sagacity and Uſe: Thefe, when moiſtened with
Sweat, ftop all Perſpiration, and, by reverberating the
Heat, prevent the Spirit from evaporating any Way,
but at the Mouth; even as a ſkilful Houſewife, that
covers
A FRAGMENT.
209
covers her Still with a wet Clout, for the fame Rea-
fon, and finds the fame Effect. For, it is the Opi-
nion of a Choice Virtuofi, that the Brain is only
a Crowd of little Animals, but with Teeth and
Claws extremely fharp, and therefore cling toge-
ther in the Contexture we behold, like the Pic-
ture of Hobbes's Leviathan, or like Bees in perpen-
dicular Swarm upon a Tree, or like a Carrion cor-
rupted into Vermin, ftill preſerving the Shape and
Figure of the Mother Animal. That all Invention
is formed by the Morſure of two or more of theſe
Animals, upon certain capillary Nerves, which pro-
ceed from thence, whereof three Branches ſpread in-
to the Tongue, and two into the right Hand. They
hold alſo, that theſe Animals are of a Conſtitution
extremely cold; that their Food is the Air we at-
tract, their Excrement Phlegm; and that what we
vulgarly call Rheums, and Colds, and Diſtillations,
is nothing elſe but an Epidemical Loofenefs, to
which that little Common-wealth is very fubject,
from the Climate it lies under. Farther, that no-
thing leſs than a violent Heat, can disentangle theſe
Creatures from their hamated Station of Life, or
give them Vigour and Humour, to imprint the Marks
of their little Teeth. That, if the Morfure be Hex-
agonal, it produces Poetry; the Circular gives Elo-
quence: If the Bite hath been Conical, the Perfon,
whoſe Nerve is fo affected, fhall be difpofed to write
upon the Politics; and fo of the reſt.
I SHALL now diſcourſe briefly, by what Kind of
Practices the Voice is beſt governed, towards the Com,
pofition and Improvement of the Spirit; for without
a competent Skill in tuning and toning each Word and
Syllable, and Letter, to their due Cadence, the whole
Operation is incompleat, miffes intirely of its Effect
on the Hearers, and puts the Workman himſelf to con-
tinual Pains for new Supplies, without Succeſs. For,
Q4
it
210
A FRAGMENT.
it is to be understood, that in the Language of the Spi-
rit Cant and Droning fupply the Place of Senfe and
Reafon, in the Language of Men: Becauſe, in Spiritual
Harangues, the Difpofition of the Words, according to
the Art of Grammar, hath not the leaſt Uſe, but the
Skill and Influence wholly lie in the Choice and Ca-
dence of the Syllables; even as a difcreet Compoſer, who
in ſetting a Song, changes the Words and Order fo
often, that he is forced to make it Nonſenſe, before he
can make it Mufic. For this Reaſon, it hath been
held by fome, that the Art of Canting is ever in great-
eft Perfection, when managed by Ignorance; which is
thought to be enigmatically meant by Plutarch, when
he tells us, that the beft Mufical Inftruments were
made from the Bones of an Afs. And the profounder
Critics, upon that Paffage, are of Opinion, the Word,
in its genuine Signification, means no other than a
Jaw-Bone; tho' fome rather think it to have been
the Os Sacrum ; but in fo nice a Cafe, I ſhall not
take upon me to decide; the Curious are at Liberty,
to pick from it whatever they pleaſe,
THE first Ingredient, towards the Art of Canting,
is a competent Share of Inward Light; that is to fay,
a large Memory, plentifully fraught with Theological
Polyfyllables, and myfterious Texts from Holy Writ,
applied and digefted by thoſe Methods, and Mecha-
nical Operations already related: The Bearer of this
Light refembling Lanthorns, compact of Leaves from
old Geneva Bibles; which Invention Sir Humphry
Edav-n, during his Mayoralty, of happy Memory,
highly approved and advanced; affirming the Scrip-
ture to be now fulfilled, where it fays, Thy Word is
a Lanthorn to my Feet, and a Light to my Paths.
Now, the Art of Canting confifts in fkilfully ad-
apting the Voice, to whatever Words the Spirit de-
livers.
A FRAGMENT.
211
livers, that each may ſtrike the Ears of the Audience,
with its moſt fignificant Cadence. The Force, or Ener-
gy of this Eloquence, is not to be found, as among
antient Orators, in the Difpofition of Words to a Sen-
tence, or the Turning of long Periods; but agreeable to
the modern Refinements in Muſic, is taken up wholly
in dwelling, and dilating upon Syllables and Letters.
Thus it is frequent for a fingle Vowel to draw Sighs
from a Multitude; and for a whole Affembly of Saints,
to ſob to the Muſic of one ſolitary Liquid. But theſe
are Trifles; when even Sounds inarticulate are obſerv-
ed to produce as forcible Effects. A Maſter Workman
fhall blow bis Nofe fo powerfully, as to pierce the
Hearts of his People, who are diſpoſed to receive the
Excrements of his Brain, with the fame Reverence as
the Iue of it. Hawking, Spitting, and Belching,
the Defects of other Mens Rhetoric, are the Flowers,
and Figures, and Ornaments of his. For, the Spirit
being the fame in all, it is of no Import through
what Vehicle it is conveyed.
Ir is a Point of two much Difficulty, to draw the
Principles of this famous Art within the Compaſs of
certain adequate Rules. However, perhaps, I may
one Day oblige the World with my Critical Effay
upon the Art of Canting, Philofophically, Phyfically,
and Mufically confidered.
BUT, among all Improvements of the Spirit,
wherein the Voice hath borne a Part, there is none to
be compared with that of conveying the Sound through
the Nofe, which, under the Denomination of* Snuff-
ling, hath paffed with fo great Applaufe in the World.
*The Snuffling of Men, who have loft their Nofes by
lewd Courfes, is faid to have given Rife to that Tone,
nwhich our Diſſenters did too much affect. W. Wotton.
The
212 A FRAGMENT.
The Originals of this Inftitution are very dark; but
having been initiated into the Mystery of it, and
Leave being given me to publish it to the World, I
fhall deliver as direct a Relation as I can.
THIS Art, like many other famous Inventions,
owed its Birth, or, at leaſt, Improvement and Perfec-
tion, to an Effect of Chance; but was eſtabliſhed upon
folid Reaſons, and hath flouriſhed in this Ifland ever
fince, with great Luftre. All agree, that it firft ap-
pear'd upon the Decay and Difcouragement of Bag-
Pipes, which, having long fuffer'd under the Mortal
Hatred of the Brethren, totter'd for a Time, and at
laft fell with Monarchy. The Story is thus related.
As yet, Snuffling was not; when the following Ad-
venture happen'd to a Banbury Saint. Upon a certain
Day, while he was far engaged among the Tabernacles
of the Wicked, he felt the outward Man put into odd
Commotions, and ftrangely prick'd forward by the in-
ward: An Effect very uſual among the Modern Infpi-
red. For, ſome think, that the Spirit is apt to feed
on the Flesh, like hungry Wines upon raw Beef.
Others rather believe, there is a perpetual Game at
Leap-frog between both; and fometimes, the Flesh is
uppermoft, and fometimes the Spirit; adding, that
the former, while it is in the State of a Rider, wears
huge Rippon Spurs, and, when it comes to the Turn of
being Bearer, is wonderfully head-ſtrong and hard-
mouth'd. However it came about, the Saint felt his
Weffel full extended in every Part (a very natural Ef-
fect of ftrong Inspiration;) and the Place and Time
falling out fo unluckily, that he could not have the
Convenience of evacuating upwards, by Repetition,
Prayer, or Lecture; he was forced to open an inferior
Vent. In fhort, he wrestled with the Fleſh ſo long,
that he at length fubdued it, coming off with honour-
able
A FRAGMENT
213
able Wounds, all before. The Surgeon had now
cured the Parts, primarily affected; but the Diſeaſe,
driven from its Poft, flew up into his Head; and, as
a ſkilful General, valiantly attack'd in his Trenches,
and beaten from the Field by flying Marches, with-
draws to the Capital City, breaking down the Bridges
to prevent Purfuit; fo the Difeafe repell'd from its firſt
Station, fled before the Rod of Hermes, to the upper
Region, there fortifying itſelf; but, finding the Foe
making Attacks at the Noſe, broke down the Bridge,
and retir❜d to the Head-Quarters. Now, the Natu-
ralifts obſerve, that there is in human Noſes an
Idiofyncracy, by virtue of which, the more the Paffage
is obftructed, the more our Speech delights to go
through, as the Mufic of a Flagelate is made by the
Stops. By this Method, the Twang of the Nofe be-
comes perfectly to refemble the Snuffle of a Bag-pipe,
and is found to be equally attractive of British Ears;
whereof the Saint had fudden Experience, by practiſ-
ing his new Faculty with wonderful Succefs in the
Operation of the Spirit: For, in a fhort Time, no
Doctrine pafs'd for Sound and Orthodox, unleſs it
were deliver'd thro' the Nofe. Strait, every Paftor co-
py'd after this Original; and thofe, who could not
otherwife arrive to a Perfection, fpirited by a noble
Zeal, made ufe of the fame Experiment to acquire it.
So that, I think, it may be truly affirmed, the Saints
owe their Empire to the Snuffling of one Animal, as
Darius did his, to the Neighing of another; and both
Stratagems were performed by the fame Art; for we
read, how the Perfian Beaft acquired his Faculty,
by covering a Mare the Day before.
I SHOULD now have done, if I were not convinced,
*Herodot.
that
214
A FRAGMENT.
1
that whatever I have yet advanced upon this Subject,
is liable to great Exception. For, allowing all I have
faid to be true, it may ſtill be juftly objected, that there
, in the Common-wealth of artificial Enthuſiaſm,
fome real Foundation for Art to work upon in the
Temper and Complexion of Individuals, which other
Mortals feem to want. Obſerve but the Gefture, the
Motion, and the Countenance, of fome choice Pro-
feffors, tho' in their moſt familiar Actions, you will
find them of a different Race from the reſt of human
Creatures. Remark your commoneft Pretender to a
Light within, how dark, and dirty, and gloomy he
is without: As Lanthorns, which the more Light they
bear in their Bodies, caft out fo much the more Soot,
and Smoke, and fuliginous Matter to adhere to the
Sides. Liften but to their ordinary Talk, and look on
the Mouth that delivers it; you will imagine you are
hearing fome antient Oracle, and your Underſtanding
will be equally informed. Upon theſe,, and the like
Reafons, certain Objectors pretend to put it beyond
all Doubt, that there must be a Sort of preternatural
Spirit, poffeffing the Heads of the Modern Saints; and
fome will have it to be the Heat of Zeal, working upon
the Dregs of Ignorance, as other Spirits are produced
fom Lees, by the Force of Fire. Some again think,
that when our earthly Tabernacles are diſordered and
defolate, fhaken and out of Repair; the Spirit delights
to dwell within them, as Houſes are faid to be haunted
when they are forſaken and gone to Decay.
To fet this Matter in as fair a Light as poffible; I
hall here, very briefly, deduce the Hiſtory of Fana-
ticifm, from the moft early Ages to the prefent. And
if we are able to fix upon any one material or funda-
mental Point, wherein the chief Profeffors have uni-
verfally agreed, I think we may reaſonably lay hold
on
A FRAGMENT.
215
on that, and affign it for the great Seed or Principle
of the Spirit.
THE moft early Traces we meet with, of Fanatics
in antient Story, are among the Ægyptians, who infti-
tuted thofe Rites, known in Greece by the Names of
Orgya, Panegyres, and Dionyfia, whether introduced
there by Orpheus and Melampus, we fhall not difpute
at prefent, nor in all Likelihood, at any Time for
the future. * Thefe Feafts were celebrated to the
Honour of Ofyris, whom the Grecians called Dionyfias,
and is the fame with Bacchus: Which has betrayed
fome fuperficial Readers to imagine, that the whole Ba-
finefs was nothing more than a Set of roaring, fcouring
Companions, over-charg'd with Wine; but this is n
ſcandalous Miſtake, foiſted on the World by a Sort of
Modern Authors, who have too literal an Underſtand -
ing; and, becauſe Antiquity is to be traced backwards„
do therefore, like Jews, begin their Books at the
wrong End, as if Learning were a Sort of Conjuring.
Theſe are the Men who pretend to underſtand å Book,
by scouting thro' the Index, as if a Traveller ſhould
go about to deſcribe a Palace, when he had ſeen no-
thing but the Privy; or like certain Fortune-tellers in
Northern America, who have a Way of reading a Man's
Deſtiny, by peeping into his Breech. For, at the
Time of inftituting thefe Myfteries, there was not
one Vine in all Egypt, the Natives drinking nothing
but Ale; which Liquor feems to have been far more
antient than Wine, and has the Honour of owing its
Invention and Progrefs, not only to the Egyptiar
Ofyris, but to the Grecian Bacchus, who, in their fa-
a
*Diod. Sic. L. 1. Plut. de Ifide & Ofyride.
|| Herod. L. 2.
‡ Dio. Sic. L. 1. & 3.
mons
216
A FRAGMENT.
mous Expedition, carried the Receipt of it along
with them, and gave it to the Nations they vifited
or fubdued. Befides, Bacchus himſelf was very feldom
or never drunk: For, it is recorded of him, that he
was the firſt | Inventer of the Mitre; which he wore
continually on his Head (as the whole Company of
Bacchanals did) to prevent Vapours and the Head-ach
after hard Drinking. And for this Reafon (fay fome)
the Scarlet Whore, when the makes the Kings of the
Earth drunk with her Cup of Abomination, is always
fober herſelf, tho' fhe never balks the Glafs in her.
Turn, being, it ſeems, kept upon her Legs by the Vir-
tue ofher Triple Mitre. Now, thefe Feafts were inftitu-
ted in Imitation of the famous Expedition Ofyris made
thro' the World, and of the Company that attended
him, whereof the Bacchanalian Ceremonies were fo
many Types and Symbols. From which Account, it
is manifeft, that the Fanatic Rites of theſe Bacchanals
cannot be imputed to Intoxications by Wine, but muſt
needs have had a deeper Foundation. What this was
we may gather large Hints from certain Circumftan-
ces in the Courſe of their Myfteries. For, in the firſt
Place, there was, in their Proceffions, an intire Mix-
ture and Confufion of Sexes; they affected to ramble
about Hills and Defarts: Their Garland were of Ivy
and Vine, Emblems of Cleaving and Clinging; or of
Fir, the Parent of Turpentine. It is added, that they
imitated Satyrs, were attended by Goats, and rode up-
on Affes, all Companions of great Skill and Practice
in Affairs of Gallantry. They bore for their Enfigns
certain curious Figures, perch'd upon long Poles, made
into the Shape and Size of the Virga genitalis, with its
Id. L. 4.
ulärs
* See the Particulars in Diod. Sic. L. 1. & 3.
الحمد
Ap-
A FRAGMENT.
217
Appurtenances, which were fo many Shadows and Em-
blems of the whole Myſtery, as well as Trophies fet
up by the Female Conquerors. Lastly, in a certain
Town of Attica, the whole Solemnity, ftripped of
all its Types, was performed in puris naturalibus, the
Votaries not flying in Covies, but forted into Cou-
ples. The fame may be farther conjectured from the
Death of Orpheus, one of the Inftitutors of theſe Myſ-
teries, who was torn in Pieces by Women, becauſe he
refuſed to communicate his Orgyes to them; which
others explained, by telling us, he had caftrated him-
felf upon Grief, for the Lofs of his Wife.
OMITTING many others of lefs Note, the next
Fanatics we meet with, of any Eminence, were the
numerous Sect of Heretics appearing in the five firit
Centuries of the Chriftian Æra, from Simon Magus
and his Followers, to thoſe of Eutyches. I have col-
lected their Syſtems from infinite Reading, and, com-
paring them with thoſe of their Succeffors in the fe-
veral Ages fince, I find there are certain Bounds fet
even to the Irregularity of Human Thought, and thoſe
a great deal narrower than is commonly apprehended.
For, as they all frequently interfere, even in their
wildeft Ravings; fo there is one fundamental Point,
wherein they are ſure to meet, as Lines in a Center,
and that is the Community of Women.
Great were
their Sollicitudes in this Matter, and they never fail'd
of certain Articles in their Schemes of Worſhip, on
Purpoſe to eſtabliſh it.
THE laft Fanatics of Note, were thofe which ſtart-
ed up in Germany, a little after the Reformation of
Luther; fpringing, as Muſhrooms do at the End of a
* Dionyfia Brauronia.
Vid. Photium in excerptis è Conone.
Har
218
A FRAGMENT.
Harveft: Such were John of Leyden, David George,
Adam Neufter, and many others, whofe Vifions and
Revelations always terminated in leading about half a
dozen Sifters apiece, and making that Practice a fun-
damental Part of their Syftem. For, Human Life is
a continual Navigation, and, if we expect our Vef-
fels to paſs with Safety, thro' the Waves and Tem-
pefts of this fluctuating World, it is neceffary to make
a good Provifion of the Flesh, as Sea-men lay in Store
of Beef for a long Voyage.
Now from this brief Survey of fome Principal
Sects, among the Fanatics, in all Ages (having omit-
ted the Mahometans and others, who might alfo help
to confirm the Argument I am about) to which I
might add ſeveral among ourſelves, ſuch as the Fami-
ly of Love, Sweet Singers of Ifrael, and the like: And
from reflecting upon that fundamental Point in their
Doctrines, about Women, wherein they have ſo una-
nimously agreed; I am apt to imagine, that the Seed
or Principle, which has ever put Men upon Vifions in
Things Invifible, is of a Corporeal Nature: For the
profounder Chymifts inform us, that the Strongeſt
Spirits may be extracted from Human Flesh. Beſides,
the fpinal Marrow, being nothing else but a Conti-
nuation of the Brain, muft needs create a very free
Communication between the Superior Faculties and
thoſe below : And thus the Thorn in the Fleſh ſerves for
a Spur to the Spirit. I think, it is agreed among
Phyficians, that nothing affects the Head fo much, as
a tentiginous Humour, repelled and elated to the up-
per Region, found by daily Practice, to run frequent-
ly up into Madneſs. A very eminent Member of the
Faculty affured me, that, when the Quakers firſt ap-
peared, he ſeldom was without fome Female Patients
among them, for the Furor Perſons of a vifiona-
ry
A FRAGMENT.
219
-
ry Devotion, either Men or Women, are in their
Complexion, of all others, the moſt amorous: For,
Zeal, is frequently kindled from the fame Spark with
other Fires, and, from inflaming Brotherly Love, will
proceed to raiſe that of a Gallant. If we infpect in-
to the ufual Proceſs of Modern Courtship, we fhall
find it to confift in a devout Turn of the Eyes, called
Ogling; an artificial Form of Canting and Whin-
ing by rote, every Interval, for Want of other Mat-
ter, made up with a Shrug, or a Hum; a Sigh or a
Groan; the Stile compact of infignificant Words, In-
coherences, and Repetition. Theſe, I take, to be the
moft accompliſh'd Rules of Addrefs to a Miftrefs; and
where are theſe performed with more Dexterity, than
by the Saints? Nay, to bring this Argument_yet
cloſer, I have been informed by certain Sanguine Bre-
thren of the firft Clafs, that in the Height and Orgaf-
mus of their Spiritual Exercife, it has been frequent
with them * *
; immediately after
which, they found the Spirit to relax and fig of a
fudden with the Nerves, and they were forced to haf-
ten to a Conclufion. This may be farther ſtrength-
ened, by obſerving, with Wonder, how unaccoun-
tably all Females are attracted by Viſionary or Enthu-
fiaftic Preachers, tho' never fo contemptible in their
outward Mien; which is ufually ſuppoſed to be done
upon Confiderations purely Spiritual, without any car-
nal Regards at all. But I have Reaſon to think, the
Sex hath certain Characteriſtics, by which they form
a truer Judgment of Human Abilities and Perform-
ings, than we ourſelves can poffibly do of each other.
Let That be as it will, thus much is certain, that,
however Spiritual Intrigues begin, they generally con-
clude like all others; they may branch upwards to-
wards Heaven, but the Root is in the Earth. Too
intenſe a Contemplation is not the Buſineſs of Fleſh
R
*
*
*
*
and
220
A FRAGMENT.
and Blood; it muft by the neceffary Courſe of Things,
in a little Time, let go its Hold, and fall into Mat-
ter. Lovers, for the Sake of Celeſtial Converſe, are
but another Sort of Platonics, who pretend to fee
Stars and Heaven in Ladies Eyes, and to look or
think no lower; but the fame Pit is provided for
both: And they feem a perfect Moral to the Story
of that Philofopher, who, while his Thoughts and
Eyes were fixed upon the Conftellations, found him-
felf feduced by his lower Parts into a Ditch.
I HAD fomewhat more to fay upon this Part of
the Subject; but the Poft is just going, which forces
me in great Haſte to conclude,
Pray burn this
Letter as foon
as it comes to
your Hands.
FINI S.
SIR,
Yours, &c.