70 cents LESSfor 69) NE WSPOEMS -- - ~-- --. L I J II ~ ~C L -I~s~s~~ra- _ ----~i --- ~ -~ -I Ilr mn Vice-President Rockefeller giving the new American salute BY TULI KUPFERBERG By the same author. NEWSPOEMS, Underground Press Syndicate (UPS), 1971 Some of these poems have disappeared- in: In These Times, Open Road, The Revolting Theater, Soho News, Takeover, Village Voice, e~especially)c. ~i~V }CA;4PE? VANITY PRESS 160 Sixth Ave. NY NY 10013 copyleft (1981 These poems performed (together with songs, slides, skits & various other mishagas) by Tuli Kupferberg & Lannes Kenfield as The Revolting Theater: Radical Vaudeville. For booking info, contact TK at 160 Sixthi Ave., NY NY 10013, (212)925-3823; or LK at 381 E. 10 St., NY NY 10009, (212)533-1725. Subscriptions to all future Vanity Press publications may be takbn out in the amounts of $5, $10, or in any increments of $5 to infinity. 2 STAR PROBE Consumers Complaint Column with Don Goudy NO REWARD FOR CONVICT'S CAPTURE I turned in a convict who had escaped from the hospital at Penetanguishene and I was told there was a reward. The only thing we got from police was a thank you. My wife and I are out of work and could use the money. Name Withheld Metro Police are grateful for our reader's information, which helped them locate the convict who eventually gave himself up, but there was no reward on his head. The detective in charge of the case has tried five times to reach our reader and explain the situation. Toronto Star, Aug. 1, 1973 And... but wait And here's late news; just in: Dear Name Withheld: There's been a real ballsup and we're sorry that your reward has been withheld. But if you'll proceed to the hospital you can pick up your reward now: a pound of flesh and an imperial gallon each of fresh blood! As for your employment problem: did you know that the death penalty may be reinstituted in several more of the United States? Do you know rope ties? Remember: There's always work for willing hands. linot Invitation To A Hanging Tuesday, April 7th, 1981 9:30 a. m. State Supreme Court House 100 Centre Street: Manhattan ABBIE HOFFMAN will be sentenced to prison for a term of 0-5 years The Defense Committee urges eye-witnesses and concerned persons to attend. I I Most TV actors want to be seen as often and as much as possible. Not David McCallum. He jumped at the starring role in a new series, "The Invisible Man.. It 's not great theatre. But McCallum, best known as superspy Ilya Kurvatin in the long-lived "The Man From U. N. C. L.E. "series, seems to enjoy his new job: "'It's a lot of fun to make, and extremely remunerative." But he won't let his 4-year-old son, Peter, watch the show. McCallum feels TV depicts "a code of ethics and morality that disturbs human values. "In fact, when Peter first asked me what my job was, I told him 'Your daddy works in garbage television to make a living. " Toronto Star, July 8, 1975 The invisible man To his visible son: "The vomit I eat Is all for you The garbage I spew Pays for your stew Don't do as I say Nor say as I do" The visible son To invisible pa: "You hitched your breeches To a star Now I see you from afar... How I wonder what you are? Down upon the tube so low Like doggy urine in fresh snow" All was silent for a second Then the next commercial beckoned: " 'The truth that's told with ill intent Beats all lies man can invent' This announcement was brought to you by God (See Better Business Bureau in case of fraud)" __ I 1 / THOUSHALT /.NOT L/ WWNBC radio dj Don Imus has been fired, for announcing that Speedy Alka-Seltzer and the Pillsbury Doughboy had come out of the closet and admitted they were TomnGeersker lovers. 4 'BLOODIEST PAMPLONA LEAVES 1 DEAD, 20 HURT Pamplona, Spain, July 9 (UPI)-Eight fighting bulls charged into the crowd in the street at Spain's most famous fiesta, killing one man and injuring at least 20, including several young Americans. The incident occurred during the "running of the bulls" in the week-long festival of San Fermin. In this traditional display of machismo, hundreds of aficionados "allow themselves to be chased through the streets for a morning's pleasure, " as Ernest Hemingway described it in his novel The Sun Also Rises.... More then 50 persons have been killed since the festival began in 1591.... The last previous victim was a youth who was fatally gored last year. Officials said the running of the bulls will continue tomorrow morning. New York Daily News, July 10, 1975 Bull picked Bull rearednuBn Pu,,,,u iF IPi R g nonnmemuu mnsfln Bull pricked Bull feared Bullrun ~~~8dr~~-_ I. c Bull hated Bullfun Bull baited Bull slashed.Bull hit Bull kill Bul shit "0 wo,!To-~.:~: ~::i.: ~~~.: ~ ~.04 'I~i~tC~'rC~~~~ici100", j~Cp bI1~~4~iCI~r7 I have heard it stated that hunting is a business for the idle; but those who really understand are aware that hundreds of secrets for the government of kingdoms are hidden in this art. c.aSUTCa 6WCOICUX Ka.x'eu 0 ieo* y jt. o6pa6oraHnr.i4 yuxe ~buxu acrptcamu Vapc.7xoycxozo tocapaViAt6oQo 30.Oa. cro as..-.3ta4T rb tbC*'4 * ocoprCnbLx utxjypomC,. devoaunbtx m aTro* mpeclnpusruw, peacra.inmbtma orK.. G tuexcx acS e 6 t1eKKK~pa eccbaecATr rperbea.emX8VKapoO8H nyZLLKoAI (I#cIiuomc. H.0 C C X 5UX a: S OCIKOA U3 aexoe Vaptixocxozo apa.xI#e. SOco Sa Od8.. 0wro B. Bopotui.m. PICASSO SELF-PORTRAIT IS SOLD FOR $572,670 Headline, New York Times, Dec. 3, 1975 Five seven two-six seven zero This is the worth of an artistic hero? Wouldn't it be more to believe in If it was made a million even How much (ho!) is a man's true worth? A bagful of bones, a shovel full of earth? A fraction, an auction, a pig in a poke? An ikon, an ingot, a guilt framed joke? What has art to do with nuoney? The same a beekeeper has with honey One man paints, others deal Together they make the art world real Poems are dismayed by fools like me But only God now paints for free By DAVID OVED Staff Writer GUELPH - A couple of avant-garde artists have.billed the city $700 6-- Eover a case of mistaken identity - their art works were mistakeh for junk, hauled to the.......dump and bulldozed under about 30 feet of i trash and soil. Keith McHattie, 28. Kate Wiwcharuk, 25, and several other area "Hijack Art Show" last month, as an alternative to a civic multicultural celebration downtown which featured a beer tent, McHattie told the Sun yesterday. "The idea was to hijack people from their Dionysian activities at the center of town. And then to make them look: at things in new ways," S said McHattie, who. -..admitted glumly, SI "'-'People didn't relate to -dvM oved, sun it very well." 6 KEITH and Kate with recoqstructed art. The Hijackers got Like most colonizing forces, the CIA treated native lives as -cheap. Speaking before the Senate intelligence committee, Thomas Kermessines, head of special operations, said he would resign from the CIA if he knew of any assassinations it carried out. He obviouslv didn 't consider the large-scale terrorist assassinations in the CIA 's Phoenix program (numbering at least 20,500 according to its chief William Colby, who was later rewarded with the directorship of the entire CIA) to be assassinations. The Church committee deferred to this point of view when it issued the report on assassinations, whose whole emphasis was on plans to kill foreign leaders. Other kinds of ambush, terrorism, and 'liquidation" do not seem to count. Garrv Wills New York Review of Books, Jan. 22, 1976 Who else died the day that Kennedy died? A dumb Italian carpenter who tripped off the side A stinking brown child, age of seven, Who dehydrated straight to hell: Bengali heaven Nameless numberless They did not make the news Here's a tip of the hat to them Or a dagger, if you choose STAIRWAYS TO THE GRAVE Structure I. Hoosac Tunnel, Massachusetts 2. St. Gotthard Tunnel Switzerland 3. Brooklyn Bridge. New York 4. Ftrth of Forth Bridge, Scotland & Simplon Tunnel, SwitaaulandItaly & Hudson Tube, New York-New Jersey 7. Madeira-Mamore Railway. western Brazil Lives lost were mainly due to malaria. yellow fever, beriberi, poisoa arrows from Indiln attacks, snakebites, and attacks by wild animals. & Panama Canal Most deaths were caused by yellow fever, malaria, and cholera. 9. Gauley Bridge Water Tunnel, West Virginia 10. Empire State Buldding, New Yark I1. Golden Gate Bridge, California 12. Mont Blanc Tunnel (rail), France-Italy 13. Phutsholingt-Thtmbu road, Bhutan through the Himalayas 14. Mont Blanc Tamunl (ooed), France-ltaly I1. Subway in Osaka, Japan Lives lost were due to a gas xplosion on April 9. 1. Karakoram Highway tumn IThatot, Pakistan., to Snakian Province, China 17. Mononsgsala Power Co. water couHg tMwer, WowV lMand, W.Va. The 170-ft. rOoe kMg odlapsod - ApMil $7. Year Lives Lost Completed/ during Opened Construction 1876 195 1882 310 1883 90 1800 57 10ao 39 1906 20+ 1911 6,000+ 1914 25,000+ 1931 1931 1937 1982 1963 1965 1970 476 14 10 17 182 23 73+ 1978 400+ 1978 51 7 HOUSE APPROVES FUNDS FOR PRODUCTION OF $21 BILLION B-l BOMBER Washington, April 8-...The debate produced a breakdown of the traditional alliance of lobbying groups that combine to fight for cuts in military spending. Some 37 public interest and religious groups had formed a lobbying coalition to stop the B- bomber program. The Pentagon critics, however, found some of their usual allies in labor lobbying against them. Lobbying for the B-I program outside the House chamber was Richard Warden, legislative director of the United Auto Workers, the labor union representing workers in the Rockwell International plant that is to build the bomber... New York Times, April 9, 1976 The hand that signed the contract felled the country Dip your crust of bread in poor man's blood It does not smell... What? Silver money? No: a distant peasant's small & burning head. Charity begins in homeland's bosom Keep the dunner from the well-screened door Let canceled welfare's righteous indignation Strike terror in the undeserving poor. IDECORATOR BAYONETS SNo finer decorator item can be had for the moneyl Large stock of bayonets, some S4-edged, some blade type. Lowest price in history. Ala. res. 6 for $3.00 add sales tax. fob Selma, Ala. WALTER H. CRAIG 413 Lauderdale, Selma, Ala. i No Specil Sdotion-Just 6 for $3 LONG LUNCH HOURS BY U.S. EMPLOYEES MAY COST A BILLION Washington, April 18 (AP)-Congress's General Accounting Office says that long lunches for Federal employees may be costing as much as $1.2 billion a year in lost production titne. Federal workers get half an hour for lunch but most agencies report they take 45 minutes to an hour, the Congressional investigative agency said in a report released today.... New York Times, April 19, 1976 Eat, eat-I would not stop you Even if I had the power: Think of the extra damage you'd do In that added half an hour! This card enclosed through clerical error. Please pardon. 9 ... As a beginning, we wish to offer a modest proposal. It springs from the fact that we have a line of daily communication Ui': 50 million readers in close to 1,000 newspapers, a line of communication that can be used to combat the individual citizen's despairing belief that no one in government is listening. We have established a National Suggestion Box which 'ill receive your ideas for the solution of national problems and the righting of governmental wrongs. Millions of Americans have good ideas and valuable perspectives, which are sorely needed to revitalize the nation.. As a typical example, we have previously received suggestions that federal agencies should have to be renewed every four years. Those that become obsolete or unproductive should automatically die. This would require the federal agencies to justify their reestablishment. It would offer a real incentive for citizens' groups to monitor the bureaucracy and bring pressure to bear on Congress at the optimal time. The idea has now been put into legislative form by Sen. Edmund Muskie (D-Maine).... Jack Anderson, NY Daily News, April 28, 1976 A good idea! For President I vote: No. + WRITE FOR SAMPLE OF THIS SATTENTION GETTING (. POT HOLDER Elected WITH S To Be PATRIOTIC DESIGN S The Outsto" ding )Vote Getter RED, WHITE, Campaign Aid & BLUE. For & YELLOW PATTERN.1972 BACKS & BORDERS CALL YOUR FAVORITE ADVERTISING SPECIALTY DISTRIBUTOR ADVERTiSERS' NET PRICES 500 1000 2500 5000 10.000 25.000 50,000 75.000 100.000 No. 9797 - VQ 6 (6"x 6").225.189.167.151.138 125.115.107.099 No. 9797 - VQ 7 (7"x 7").244.219.189.17.154.142.132.122.113 WOLF MANUFACTURING CO. 5855 CENTINELA AVE, LOS ANGELES CA. 90045 10 7 WRITERS' WORDS BARRED BY CONGRESSIONAL RECORD Washington, May 0---The Congressional Record, citing a rule against publishing obscenities, refused today to publish excerpts from the works of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Bernard Malamud, Langston Hughes and four other books banned last March by the Board of the Island Trees School District on Long Island.... Representative Wayne L. Hays, Democrat of Ohio and chairman of the joint committee, said that the decision had actually been made by the committee staff in conformity with "an ancient rule. " "This rule 's been around for long before I came here, "Mr. Hays continued. "The general purpose of the rule is to'keep The Congressional Record from becoming a pornographic document. You preserve the dignity of the Congress if you don't pt tll the four-letter words in it. New York Times, May 11, 1976 The dignity of Congress The propriety of shucks The righteousness of demogogues The pompousness of shmucks. Thieving hacks Motherjumping flacks Rich mens' murder tools Time serving Party fools. Four letter words, four letter words! Such censorshit is for the birds But since we'd conform with ancient ways: I'd leave out "Hays." I'd leave out"Hays." Elizabeth Ray. a 33-year-old blonde from the hills of North Carolina, told the world that she held a $14,000 no-show job the past two years while serving as Hays' mistress. Miss Ray added, "I can't type, I can't file, I can't even answer the phone. THE SOHO WEEKLY NEWS Thursday, July 15, 1976 11 ... In 1973 and 1974 Mr. Moon organized a media campaign of support for the beleaguered President Richard M. Nixon, spending $72,000 in the effort, according to church statements. Full page advertisements were placed in American newspapers, telling Americans that God had chosen Mr. Nixon to be President, and that therefore only God had the authority to dismiss him... New York Times, May 25, 1976 First you make him Then you break him God, make up your mind! First you love him Then you shove him God, make up your mind! First hard on him Then pardon him God, make up your mind! First you June him Then you Moon him For Christ's sake, God Get your shit together, Man! GOD IS COMING SHE PISSED 12 PHILIP MORRIS WILL STAY IN NEW YORK After more than a year of intensive studies of possible moves elsewhere, Philip Morris Inc., the nation's second hlrgest maker of cigarettes, announced yesterday that it would not only keep its world headquarters in New York City, but would even expand its operations here.... Half the headquarters staff is involved in marketing programs.... New York Times, August 26, 1976 SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW AD SLOGANS 1. It's Tarboro Country 2. Call for Doctor Morris! 3. In my throat I feel a lump... But Id walk a mile for a hump 4. Look for the cancer on the back 5. If you're looking for a treatment, not a treat... 6. Not a cough in a carload (a coffin) 7. Smoke, smoke-if you didn't smoke, someone else would only smoke in your place THE STACKING ROOM IN TH1E GOVEK.\MEIT O uILUM FACIORY AT 'PAINA. THERE IS ENOUGH OPIUM ON THE SHMELES SHEWN IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH TO PUT TO DEATH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN GREAT BRITAIN. 13 Santiago (Reuter)--The Chilean Soccer Association today suspended goalkeeper Roberto Vengas for four months for taking off his shorts and making obscene gestures after a goal was scored against him during a weekend match here. Toronto Star, September 1, 1976 Hey, sport! Is that the retort A gentleman makes He takes off his short? Shame on you You jibaro lump The least you could do Would be shit on the ump! Do unto the other guy...first by Hubert Vogelsinger ^.---- ---------------- -------------___ Psychological warfare. A soccer game is a series of duels.., completely individual confrontations between opposing players. The team that wins the most duels has the best chance of winning the game. Your first confrontation is very important, because it will often give you the edge for the rest of the game. If you take the fullback easily the first time you face each other, the next time around the fullback is thinking, "Is he going to do it to me again?" It's psychological warfare. If you can get the other guy worried about what you're going to do to him, he's not thinking about what he's going to do to you. Cock the gun. You smell a goal, provided you can deliver the ball with maximum firepower. S But how to get that power? You must cock your leg like a gun. SSwing the leg back so that.y your foot almost touches your Srear end. Plant the other foot beside the ball. Then snap your Sleg down explosively and drive your laces through the bali'with your toes pointed down and your instep as firm as iron. Make sure your knee is over the ball at impact and that you follow through low with your foot. That way you can fire the ball on a low trajectory so it won't sail over the crossbar. Above all, glue your eyes to the ball: block out everything else. _____.../sbr Aoe l. le or w From Boys Life, official magazine of the Boy Scouts of America 14 $100,000 TELEPHONE FRAUD LAID TO INMATES OF MANHATTAN PRISON The New York Telephone Company charged yesterday that prisoners of the Manhattan Correctional Center had made more than $100,000 in fraudulent long-distance calls from the Federal detention facility since it opened in August 1975.... As a result, the company has threatened to remove the telephones, but has been blocked by a prisoner lawsuit against the Government, charging that the removal of the phones would violate the prisoners' constitutional rights to communicate with lawyers and relatives.... New York Times, September 23, 1976 CITY PAYING FOR PHONES NOT IN USE The New York Telephone Co. has overbilled the city by about $500,000 a year for lines that are no longer in use.... In one case, agency investigators found that the Human Resources Administration was paying about $100 a month for 11 telephone lines at 2095 Pitkin Av. in Brooklyn. The HRA building on the site was torn down two years ago after a fire and became a parking lot.... New York Post, September 22, 1976 Ma belle Ma Bell Deep in Hell A number is reserved For those who pulled the wires Who taped the sound that served Who held it up to ransom Who wire-tapped the bird And tossed through broken transoms Demands that were absurd. Free speech is for the richest Free pain is for the poor The number you have reached Will drop you to the floor. God's number is not listed (It costs him more, you bet) Let your fingers do the twisting (It's cheaper after death). Among the many telephone products and services described in our new phone catalog is the new Mickey Mouse' phone, shown here coming off the production line at Western Electric's Indianapolis works, with Mickey himself calling Minnie back at Disneyland. 15 VICTORIAN ERA ALIVE AND WELL IN OLD RHODESIA Salisbury. Rhodesia, Oct. 16-"The board is not prudish, ' said Allan Wright, Rhodesia 's chief censor. "Nothing shocks the Board of Censors. The Board of Censors are extremely unshockable. We do a lot of laughing at the Board of Censors.".. 'T-shirts and ladies' panties become publications if something is printed on them, " Mr. Wright explained. But he added that he twas less strict on panties because they become public only when it was too late to worry about moral standards... New York Times, October 17, 1976 It's never too late to worry It's never too late to fret Suppose you get a "cold sore" It might have been someone you "et." If only you could get into their brains (Forget their "Frederick's" jeans) You could give them a psychic enema And carminate their beans! News photo by Anthony Casale Group of people watch two men toil at removing controversial Jesus Jeans sign from side of building yesterday at 51th St. and Third Ave. The billboard sins, in English and Italian, have been denounced bv the Vatican and the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, and have been debated in the British Parliament. Bloomingdale's has canceled its spring order of garments. [The Italian slogan on the jeans reads: 'Who loves me, follows me."] SIX PSYCHIATRISTS NABBED IN FRAUD $131,000 Ripoff in Medicaid... /Chief/ among those indicted was Dr. A. S., 66, of 60 Sutton Place South. Dr. S. is noted for her work in detecting signs of approaching delinquency. She has earned worldwide recognition in the field. and in 1965 was awarded the National Society for the Prevention of Juvenile Delinquency s Meritorious A chievement A ward. New York Post, April 5, 1978 Criteria for Detecting Signs of Approaching Adult Delinquency 1. Holds M.D. 2. Diplomate of American Board of Psychiatry & Neurology 3. Accepts Medicaid patients 4. Incorporated in nonprofit foundation 5. Enjoys clothes, travel, summer homes, and rare gems 6. Supporter of free enterprise system Mr. G, a businessman, invested s3,393 in coffee. 9 months later, he sold for $17,693.24. Some coffee break! 17 WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS: Best Seller List 1. The Electric Kool-Aid Cyanide Test by Rev. Jim Jones 2. Italian War Heroes (a pacifist paean) 3. Wit and Wisdom of Gerald Ford 4. Sex Life of Pope Paul Vth by Pope Paul VIth* 5. American Business Ethics 6. Bible Humor 7. Why I Won the Nobel Prize by Henry Kissinger 8. After the Nuclear War by U.S. Dept. of Civil Defense 9. Preventing Unnecessary Operations by the AMA 10. The Pleasures of Old Age by Buddy Holly 18 Lake Placid, N. Y.-The complex for the 1980 Winter Olympics, much of it in the steelwork-frame stage, looks like a college campus. In fact, the buildings now rising on a cleared site in Ray Brook, a village five miles west of here, will be used after the Olympics-but not for a college. They will become a prison.... New York Times, May 15, 1978 The prison of the body (A place for losers) Use it up; make it do (Niggers can't be choosers). The Greeks used iron knuckles The Romans beat their slaves to death Here shoots Leni Riefenstahl! I can hardly catch my breath! Associated Press NOT SO JOLLY: Policemen in Charleston, W. Va., frisk one of three members of the Hare Krishna sect who were arrested while soliciting funds in Santa Claus suits. The three were charged with panhandling. 19 TELEVISION BOB FERGUSON SHOWS YOU MAGIC WORDS TO COMMAND MIRACLES OF WEALTH, LOVE, AND HEALTH-IN MINUTES! Here Is Staggering Priof. Based On A ctual Reported Miracles. That What Has Worked For Thousands WillAbsolutely Work For You! Headlines of fdll-page ad in Midnight Globe, November 28. 1978 Now of course Bob won't tell you the words in the ad. He wants you to buy his book. Now I was quite curious, so I bought the book and here, for the first time on a public stage, are the ten most valuable phrases... what the hell.... 1. Stick'em up! 2. I'm from the IRS. 3. If you show this letter to the police you will not see your daughter alive again. 4. Pork Belly Futures bought from us now will gain you an amazing 7500% in 2 years! 5. If you don't pay by the 14th Mrs. Cohen, I'm afraid I'll have to throw your furniture in the street. 6. Oh yeah! I'll let go your tits if you squeeze my balls. 7. (A letter): Unless I receive payment by the 12th Ill have to discontinue treatment of your paralysis. Signed Dr. Darekill. 8. Where's the tithe, Mr. Rafferty? Now you don't want to burn in hell eternally do ye? 9. If you don't shut that fuckin TV-I'll throw it out the window. 10. Buy this book or I'll burn your dog. ( LEGALIZE E PRIVATE MURDER, 4If L1 ... The absolutism of thatone-man rule manifested itself in.. ways big and small. In 1972 when President Nixon visited, Teheran after his Moscow summit, White House staff memhers were presented to His Majesty at the state dinner; when" the Shah asked if I was enjoying my overnight stay, I expressed my dismay at not having the time to go shopping. He nodded, turned to his grand vizier or whatever, and said, "Have the shops stay open all night. " And so they did; at every hotel accommodating the traveling party and press corps, the groggy shopkeepers pushing their wares at 3 a.m. were testimony to the Shah s absolute graciousness.... William Safire New York Times, Jan. 4, 1979 What shall I buy in Iran? Caviar or a camel or a runner? What shall I buy in Iran? A noose or a prod or a gunner? How shall I thank mine host? His Graciousness: pheasant and plover! How 'bout a New York Times toast? My cup (of oil) runneth over. Is~~ AoIracntd PrAm Iranlans using Americanflag to take garbage from U.S. Embassy InTeberan 21 1) She [Cher/ has already for instance had plastic surgery on her breasts three times. "My breasts got really big after each of my children... so I had the extra skin taken out after each pregnancy and then once again. " Toronto Star, July 23, 1979 2) "I always thought Cher's tits were too small. " Woman fan Tighten yr tits, scrunch up yr balls Whatever you've got-if it leaps (or falls) It's no good: you're a piece of shit You're the horse: "Fashion" 's the bit. The universal war of all against all John Wayne's in the saddle (Now he rode Cancer tall!) Too old, too young, too now, too never Competition: here's tit, cock, cunt, heart, America: Sever! Z uit in jtm (Sbirpplaft: -Innerc Zeitt C' s I~ L1IY -- --------~ eie.avb in bert G eropiaft: e suett teitt. 22 GADGET DESIGNED TO TRAIN PIANISTS' FINGERS. GERMAN MOST OF FARES QUOTED BY AIRLINES $28 TO $165 HIGH IN SURVEY Air Canada and CPAir were called six times each this week and asked for the cheapest possible fare to travel,to various points across the country. Air Canada clerks quoted fares of $216, $244, and $265for the same tripfrom Toronto to Quebec City to Halifax and back to Toronto. CP clerks quoted prices of $250, $288, $298, $338 and $463 for the same trip from Toronto to Calgary to Vancouver and back to Toronto.... Dennis Fletcher, sales planning manager for CP Air, said yesterday, "Our concern is how many people pay too little. A lot of people do pay too much, but from our point of view it balances out. P Toronto Globe & Mail, Aug. 4, 1979 Whether you pay too little Or whether you pay too lot It matters little in the endWe take whatever you've got. Whether you get the stick Or whether you get the shaft It makes no difference at all to us If you call it: "stupid" or "graft." Whether you barf orcrash Whether you die or a friend Never mind (from our point of view) It balances out in the end. BOARDRMV BOOKS A business library of profit strategies they don't teach in school D 89 ways to squeeze out a business associate. SQUEEZE OUTS How unwanted or unproductive associates are maneuvered into relinquishing interest in closely held corporations and partnerships. $50.00 23 FESTIVAL SINGERS FILES BANKRUPTCY The 24-year-old Festival Singers of Canada, a 36-voice ensemble that gained international fame under its former director, Elmer Iseler, has filed bankruptcy, with Price Waterhouse as trustee. Toronto Globe & Mail, Summer, 1979 The Festival Singers are bankrupt Soft sing cuckoo O God our Help in ages past Protect us from small revenue. After many a summer dies the swan Steal away, steal Tom Tit Lord God of Notes be with us yet Lest we forge it, lest we forge it! jfolk Sou 24 The breakfast cereals Wheaties and Total were displayed, with labels indicating they are identical except that 2 cents worth of vitamins are added to Total and the selling price is increased 35 cents... Moneysworth, Sept. 1979 One robs you with a gullet One with a fountain pen. That's the "Total Difference" Say "Now!", say "When"? "SUCROSE" CONTENT OF 30 LEADING CEREALS CEREAL SUCROSE CEREAL SUCROSE Cheerios Kelloggs Corn Flakes Wheaties Kelloggs Rice Krispies Kelloggs Raisin Bran Kelloggs 40% Bran Flakes Post Raisin Bran Ralston Purina Bran Chex Kretschmer Sun Country Granola with Almonds Quaker 100% Natural C.W. Post Kelloggs Frosted Mini Wheats 3.07% 5.03 8.60 8.62 12.20 12.88 12.97 14.25 16.82 17.09 18.20 19.77 Nabisco 100% Bran Kelloggs Country Morning Kelloggs Cracklin Bran General Mills Golden Grahams General Mills Trix Kelloggs Frosted Flakes Quaker Cap'n Crunch Post Super Sugar Crisp Quaker King Vitaman Ralston Purina Cookie Crisp Chocolate Chip Post Fruity Pebbles Kelloggs Apple Jacks 19.77 % 21.85 27.50 29.90 37.27 39.07 39.09 42.16 42.40 45.45 48.51 52.04 I 25 It was the People's Liberation:Army, then the Red Army, that helped bring the Communists to power in 1949, in large measure because its reputation for honesty and closeness to the people made it much more attractive than the corrupt brutal troops of the Kuomintang.... Mao also worked out a series of rules for army discipline that most Chinese can still recite. Among them are: "Do not take a single meal or piece of thread from the masses,'" and "Speak politely. Pay thoroughly for what you buy. Return everything you borrow. ".. The other day when a foreign journalist went to play tennis at the International Club, which is closed to ordinary Chinese, he observed a white-haired man in the green and blue uniform of the Chinese Air Force arriving at the court in a Red Flag sedan that was like a large Cadillac. The officer had two new American-made graphite tennis racquets, which cannot be bought in China, and two military aides in uniform served him tea from thermos bottles they brought out to the court. Two Chinese tennis coaches also arrived to play with him.... New York Times, Oct. 14, 1979 Things come, things go Blood flows under the bridge Things are no more the things we know; A valley becomes a ridge. Comrades are only comrades Man is flesh (you bet!) Remember the soldiers of the field: Point, game, set. ffi"" 26 ANTIQUE AUCTION WHOLESALERS INC. ANNOUNCES AN IMPORTANT THREE SESSION AUCTION EROTICA AUTOMATON WATCHES... 400 BOOKS INCLUDING... ALICES ADVENTURES%... THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS... BOOK BY WERALD FORD'S FIRST EDITION: A TIME TO HEAL... A UTOGRAPHED CHEQUES BY PRESIDENTS WASHINGTON, GARFIELD, HARDING, MADISON, JOHNSON, COOLIDGE, ROOSEVELT, KENNEDY, & OTHERS... RARE APOLLO 12 OFFICIAL GRANT PHOTO TAKEN ON THE MOON SIGNED BY ENTIRE CREW.. CONCENTRATION CAMP MEMORABILIA... WARSAW GHETTO MONEY SETS OF SIX DENOMINATIONS.. FIRST DA Y BASEBALL COVERS SIGNED BY HALL OF FAME GREATS.. CONTEMPORARY EROTICA WRIST WATCHES... DisplayAd, New York Times, Feb. 15, 1980 Still for sale (But going fast) One used worldWhile it last... One of the most recent photos of Andrew Gomory was taken last June. Here, he is standing with his wife, Elizabeth, amid the rubble of fallen ivy in the garden of their home at 84 Joralemon Street. Several hundred pounds of ivy fell from the rear wall of the garden, narrowly missing Mr. and Mrs. Gomory as they sat on their patio on a balmy late spring day. Photo by Amy Davts. 27 DEBATE: REGISTRATION OF MEN AND WOMEN FOR MILITARY DRAFT... Administration officials further maintain that young people in the United States should contribute to that national effort in the same way that athletes have been asked to forgo the summer Olympics in Moscow, businessmen have been forbidden to sell certain sophisticated goods and technology and farmers have been precluded from some sales of grain... New York Times, March 5, 1980 Bucket o' wheat, bucket o' blood (War is good business: invest your son). On second thought try that white house: (We gave already, at Saigon)..,F K HE RRFT.,,,. FATHER AND SON ACHIEVE THEIR GOAL: FIRST BALLOON TRIP ACROSS THE CONTINENT Maxie L. Anderson is the kind of man who likes bests and biggests and firsts.... He got his pilots license when he was 15 by lying about his age...I don't know why he dbes the things he does. I guess it's because no one's ever done them before. "... "Maxie is basically a home-run hitter. "..... He became president [at age 391 of Ranchers Exploration... with interests, in uranium, gold and silver.....'I think it tests your m*#mettle, "Mr. Anderson said. When the two men set out from California they were hoping to touch down at Kitty Hawk, N. C. [but they actually landed] in a field outside Matane, Quebec... more than 1000 miles from their original destination.... The men became airsick and were unable to eat for the last day and a half.... The. Andersons released ballast-water carried for that purpose, or, as the trip progressed, empty oxygen tanks, expended batteries and other unneeded items-to arrest the descent.... Kris... detonated an explosive charge to separate the gondola and the helium envelope. The gondola then fell to the ground, while the balloon was tangled and torn by the trees.... New York Times, May 13, 1980 Reporter: Mr. Anderson, why do you shit on the people? Maxie Anderson: Because they're there! 29 Bess Myerson today defended accepting more than $300,000 last year in consumer consultant fees from BristolMevers and Citibank. "I askedfor the same money men would ask for in the same position, " Miss Myerson said. "I felt that my talent and my skill was worth a certain amount of money and they paid me what I askedfor. " New York Post, May 16, 1980 The Sexual Revolution Before: Red Rover, Red Rover Let Jimmy bend over Let Jimmy come over The people, Red Rover. After: Red Rover, Red Rover Let Bessie bend over Let Bessie come over The people, Red Rover. In MemorlamGaby Smart 1908-1979 Widow of David A. Smart, Founder and original publisher of Esquire Magazine 30 ~JI~asturatonEats up your love!I HUIINGRY JAWS OF DELIGHT. WAVE AFTER WAVE OF PLEKASUREI IT SLASHES AND SQUIRMS TO YOUR MOST VIOLENT DESIRES. /V.1, 'i,iv JAWS UP A WONDERFUL ORGASM. "Cl F- U ~Salko&Jews of Lýove-- 01 K._R. Enterprises tame_______A Sr 0 ol 636., Main 0tfive. c t tat San F~ra,niicsoCo.Clifornia 94101Sgate I ^M18SrYMS OLD 0 CO from the slide show: "Only In America!" 31 0% 4) 0I 113 Q) k P1 Q) rC u ure O E Q ~~TJ db Q) k Q),L] Journalism is one of the devices whereby industrial autocracy keeps its control over political democracy; it is the day-by-day, betweenelections, propaganda, whereby the minds of the people are kept in a state of acquiescence, so that when the crisis of an election comes, they go to the polls and cast their ballots for either of the two candidates of their exploiters. Not hyperbolically and contemptuously, but literally and with scientific precision, we define Journalism in America as the business and practise of presenting the news of the day in the interest of economic privilege. Upton Sinclair, The Brass Check, 1920