,-FM.NPUdop moommumampow I,-Mw....... #~, -'A -1 i I I I Jp I '--"I -Ii I 7,//j JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE AS A P. A. P. I. SAMANTHA AT THE CENTENNIAL. DESIGNED AS A BRIGHT AND SHINING LIGHT, TO PIERCE THE FOGS OF ERROR AND INJUSTICE THAT SURROUND SOCIETY AND JOSIAH, AND TO BRING MORE CLEARLY TO VIEW THE PATH THAT LEADS STRAIGHT ON TO VIRTUE AND HAPPINESS. BY THE AUTHOR OF "MY OPINIONS AND BETSEY BOBBET'S." "What are you going to write now, Samanthat" HARTFORD, CONN.: AMERICAN PUBLISHING CO. 1893. Eatered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1877, by the AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, In the ofce of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington To MY JOSIAH'S CHILDREN BY HIS FIBST WIFE: THOMAS JEFFERSON AND TIRZAH ANN, THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED BY ONE, WHO, ALTHOUGH A STEP-MOTHER, IS STILL AS AFFECTIONATE AND FRIENDLY TO 'EM AS CAN BE. The above is the dedication I had lotted on; had wrote all out and calculated to have; pleasing, very, to Josiah, to the children, and to myself. But come to think it over, I changed my mind. I thought: they have friends, and eloquent tongues of their own, and happiness; are well off, and haint sufferin' for dedications, or any of the other comforts and necessaries of life. And so, the above is hereby null and void; and this is what I now solemnly declare to be my last lawful will and dedication of this book:To THOSE WHO HAVE NO ONE TO SPEAK FOR THEM; TO THOSE WHO ARE IN BONDS (ANY KIND OF BONDS,) TO Those whose Hearts Ache, through Injustice and Oppresson; TO THOSE WHOSE SAD EYES LOOK THORUGH TEARS FOR THE DAWNING OF A BRIGHTER, CLEARER DAY, THIB BOOK IS DEDICATED, AND ALSO INSCRIBED, BT TsHEI SINCERE FRIEND AND WELL-WISHER, JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE. MY REASONS TO THE KIND AND ALMOST GENTLE READER "WHY I DON'T HAVE NO PREFACE TO THIS BOOK. MY companion, Josiah, knew that my book was all finished and completed, and so one lovely day about half past four, P. M. in the afternoon, when he see me walk with a firm and even step up to the mantletry piece and take down my bottle of ink and my steel mounted pen, he says to me: " What are you goin' to writin' on now, Samantha?" Says I mildly, "I thought I'd lay to and write a preface to my book, Josiah. I thought I'd tell 'em that I had wrote it all down about you and I goin' on a tower to Filadelfy village to see the Sentinel." "I guess after you have wrote it all out in black ink in a book, about our goin' to the Sentimental, folks that read it will find out we have been there, without your writia' a preface to tell 'em of it. They will unless they are dumb fools." He snapped out awful snappish. I couldn't think what ailed him, and says I firmly: " Stop swearin' instantly and to once, Josiah Allen!" And I added again in mild axents: " I guess I'll lay to and write my preface, Josiah; you know there has got to be one." " Why has there got to be one I" Oh I how fractious and sharp that "why" was. I never see a sharper, more worrysome " why " in my vi WHaY THI BOOK hull life than that " why" was. But I kep' cool, and says I in calm tones: " Because there has; Folks always have prefaces, Josiah." " What makes 'em have 'em? there's the dumb of it. What makes 'em?" Says I mekanically,-for a stiddy follerin' of duty has made reprovin' my pardner in times of need, a second or third nature to me-" stop swearin' to once, Josiah Allen! They have prefaces, Josiah, because"again I paused half a inoment-in deep thought-" they have 'em, because they do have 'em, tliat's why " But even this plain and almost lucid statement didn't seem to satisfy him, and he kep' a arguin' and sayin',-" I'd be hanged if I'd have 'em," and so on and so 4th. And I argued back again. Says I: " You know folks are urged to publish books time and again, that wouldn't have had no idee of doin' it if they had been let alone." Says I,-" You know after they git their books all finished, they hang back and hate to have 'em published; hate to, like dogs; and are urged out of their way by relatives and friends, and have to give up, and have 'em published. They naturally wanit to tell the Public how it is, and that these things arc so." "Oh wall," says he, "if the Public is any like me, he'd rutler hear the urgin' himself than to hear the author tell on it. What did they break their backs for a writin' fourteen or fifteen hundred pages if they laid out to hang back in the end. If they found their books all wrote out, a growin' on huckleberry bushes, or cewcumber vines, there would be some sense in talkin' about urgin' 'cm out of their way." And lie sot his head on one side, and looked up at HAS NO PREFACO. the eeilin' with a dretful shrewd look onto his faoe, and went to kinder whistlin'. I can't bear hintin', and never could, I always despised hinters. And I says in almost cold tones, says I: " Don't you believe they was urged, Josiah Allen?" "I haint said they wuzn't, or they wuz. I said I had ruther see the hangin' back, and hear the urgin' than to hear of it by-the-by, in prefaces and things. Th/at's what I said." But again that awful shrewd look come onto his face, and again he sot his head on one side and kinder went to whistlin'; no particular tune, but jest a plain sort of a promiscous whistle. But I kep' considerable cool, and says I: "Folks may be real dissatisfied with what they have wrote, and want to sort o' apoligise, and run it down kinder." Says Josiah,-" If folks don't write the best they know how to, it is a insult to the Public, and ort to be took by him as one." "1 That is so, Josiah," says I. "I always thought so. But writers may try to do the very best they can; their minds may be well stabled, and their principles foundered on a rock; their motives as sound as brass, and soarin' and high-toned as anything can be, and still at the same time, they may have a realizin' sense that in spite of all their pains, there is faults in the book; lots of faults. And they may " says I, " feel it to be their duty to tell the Public of these faults. They may think it is wrong to conceal''em, and the right way is to come out nobly and tell the Public of 'em." "Oh! wall " says Josiah, "if that is what you are goin' to write a preface for, you may set your heart at rest about it. Anybody that reads your book will viai WH. THIS BOOK find out the faults in it for themselves, without your tellin' 'em of 'em in a preface, or sayin' a word to help 'em on in the search. Don't you go to worryin' about that, Samantha;. folks will see the faults jest as easy; wont have to put on no specks nor nothin' to find 'em; such things can't be hid." My companion meant to chirk me up and comfort me. His will was good, but somehow, I s'pose I didn't look so chirked up and happy as he thought I ort to, and so to prove his words, and encourage me still more, he went on and told a story. " Don't you remember the boy that was most a fool, and when he sot out for his first party, his father charged him not to say a word, or they would find him out. He sot perfectly speechless for more'n an hour, wouldn't answer back a word they said to him, till they begun to call him a fool right to his face. And then he opened his mouth for the first time, and hollered to his father,-' Father! father! they've found me out.' " Josiah is a great case to tell stories. He takes all the most high-toned and popular almanacs of the day, and reads 'em clear through. He says he " will read 'em, every one of 'em, from beginnin' to Finy." He is fond of tellin' me anecdotes. And is also fond of tragedies-he reads the World stiddy. And I always make a practice of smilin' or groanin' at 'em as the case may be. (I sot out in married life with a firm determination to do my duty by this man.) But now, though I smiled a very little, there was sunthin' in the story, or the thoughts and forebodin's the story waked up in me, that made my heart sink from-I should judge from a careless estimate--an inch, to an inch and three-quarters. I didn't make HAS NO PRFArOE. ix my feelin's known, however; puttin' my best foot forred has been my practice for years, and my theme. And my pardner went on in a real chirk tone: "You see Samantha, jest how it is. You see there haint no kind o' need of your writin' any preface." I was almost lost in sad and mournful thought, but I answered dreamily that "I guessed I'd write one, as I had seemed to sort o' lay out and calculate to." Then my companion come out plain, and told me his mind, which if he had done in the first place, would have saved breath and argument. Says he: " I hate prefaces. I hate 'em with almost a perfect hatred." And says he with a still more gloomy and morbid look,--"I have been hurt too much by prefaces to take to 'em, and foller 'em up." "Hurt by 'em? " says I. "Yes," says he firmly. "That other preface of your'n hurt me as much as 7 cents in the eyes of the community It was probable more'n that damage to me. I wouldn't "-says he, with as bitter a look onto him as I ever see,-" have had it got out that I had the Night Mair, for a silver 3 cent piece." " Why," says I mildly, "it wasn't nothin' ag'inst your character, Josiah." "Oh no!" says he in a sarcastic tone. "You would want it talked over in prefaces and round, wouldn't you, that you had the Night Mair, and pranced round in your sleep?" " I never mentioned the word prance," says I mildly, but firmly, "never," " Oh wall," says he, " it is all the same thing." "No it haint," says I firmly. "No it haint." "Wall," says he, "you know jest how stories grow by tellin'. And by the time it got to New York,-I X WHY THIS BOOK HAS NO PCRFACOB dare persume to say before it got to that village--the story run that I pranced round, and was wild as a henhawk. I have hated prefaces ever sense, and druther give half a cent than to have you write another one." "Don't go beyond your means a tryin' to bribe me," says I, in a almost dry tone. Josiah is honest as a pulpit, but close, nearly tight. After a moment's thought, I says,-" If you feel like that about it, Josiah, I wont have no preface in this book." " Wall," says lie, "it would take a load offen my mind if you wouldn't." And he added in cheerful and tender tones,-" Shan't I start up the fire for you, Sarnantha, and hang onto the teakettle?" I told him he might, and then I rose up and put my bottle of ink on to the mantletry piece, and sot the table for supper. And this-generous and likely reader though I think a sight on you, and would have been glad of thle chance to have told you so in a lawful way-is jest the reason why I have denied myself that privilege and don't have no preface to this book. Further explanations are unnecessary. To the discernin' mind my reasons are patented, for such well know that a husband's wishes to a fond wife, are almost like takin' the law to lier. And knowin' this, I hope and trust you will kindly overlook its loss. You will not call me shiftless, nor yet slack. You will heed not the dark report that may be started up that I was short on it for prefaces, or entirely run out of 'em, and couldn't get holt of one. You will believe not that tale, knowin' it false and also untrue. You will regard its absence kindly and even tenderly, thinkin' that what is my loss is your gain; thinkin' that it is a delicate and self-sacrificin' token of a wife's almost wrapped devotion to a Josiah. WHAT I HAVE WRIT ABOUT. #AGE. WHY I DON'T HAVE NO PREFACE TO THIS BOOK,.. 5 THE JONESVILLE DEBATIN'-SCIOOL, THE WIDDER DOODLE, A DEBATE ON INTEMPERANCE, TIRZAH ANN AS A WIFE, P. A. AND P. I.,.0 How I WENT TO 'LECTION, SENATOR VYSE AND HIS VICTIM, HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE PREPARIN' POR OUR TOWEmR, THE WIDDER AND WIDOWER, AND ORGAN, How SREPTrrA CARRIED THE MEETIN' HOUSE, I AND JOSIAH VISIT PHILANDER SPICER'SES FOLKS, MELANKTON SPICEA AND HIS FAMILr, UNcLE DEACON ZZBULON COFFINr,. How I MARRIED THE DEACON'S DAUGHTER, THa GRAND ExaHIBITION &.. GOOD LAND! GOOD LAND! AND GOOD LAND! PATRONIZIN'' Tn RAILROAD,..0 I ADmUrY TEE NATION THOUVO rrTS GREAT MEN, INTarITW wITH GxEN. HAWLEY, Dore' T MMAI BNULDIN',. 19 S 54 73 S103 121 * 144 S 161 S193 S 211 S222 S 231 S270 294 S 316 S 353 S 370 388 S 386 400 406 411 In aTWHT I HAI v WWrr AJo0UT. JOSIAH'B RIDE IN A CHAIR,. 22 A TRIP THROUGH THE WORLD,.. 425 IN THE CHINESE DEPARTMENT,.. 440 I MEET OLD ACQUAINTANCES,.... 453 WIDDER DOODLE AS A BRIDE,.. 460 THE ARTEMUs GALLERY,... 473 INTERVIEW WITH DOM PEDRO,..... 490 THu "CREATION SEARCHERS" AT THE SENTINAL,.. 506 MACHINERY HALL,a...... 507 THE MARQUIS OF LORNE,.... 513 THE SPIRITUALIST,..... 522 THE WIMMEN'S PAVILION,..... 523 THE FEMALE LECTURER,... 5.. 25 AMlONG THE RELICS,..... 535 AMONG THE WILD BEASTS,..... 539 THE INDIAN QUESTION,.. 541 MY SUCCESS As P. A. AND P. I.,. 547 THE SENTINAL PROMISCOUS,.... 550 THE "CREATION SEARCHERS" IN JAIL, 551 THE END OF OUR TOWER,.... 557 HOME AFFAIRS,.. 559 THE 14TH DAY OF SEPTEMBER,. 561 A BRIDAL TOWER,......... 563 A GOOD TIME GENERALLY,.... 570 THE BABY, * * 574 ALL HAPPY * * * * * * 580 WHAT THE KIND ARTIST HAS DONE PAGY 1. As A P. A. AND P. I. F...........................e c nfsie.... 2. ALAS PooR BETBEY.......................................................... 21 8. THE EDITOR OF THE AUGER............................................. 24 4. A hIDE ON THlE BOBS, (FULL PAGE)........................................380 5. THE L`YCEUM, (FULL PAGE)..................................................385 6. THEz YOUNG NEPHEW........................................................ 37 7. THE ONE GESTURE..........................................................389 8. A THRLILLIN' MOMENT....................................................... 45 9. SUNDAY SLUMBERS.......................................................... 48 10. EDI1TOR OF THE GIMLET.................................................... ý 11. PLUCKY, (TAIL PIECE)....................................................... 53 12 DAVID DOODLE.............................................................. 56 13. WIDDER DOODLE............................................................. 60 14. "1THE VOYAGE OF LIFE1.................................... 0................. 61 15. LOYE~S DREAM............................................................... 64 16. PRETTY HANDS AND EyES, (FULL PAGE).................................... 68 17. HELPING CHURN............................................................. 69 18. THE AFFIRMATIVE.......................................................... 77 19. NOT THE RIGHT KINDt OF HORNS, (FULL PAGE)............................ 84 20. THE BLIMMER CAUGhT...................................................... 93 21. FOUND DECAD, (FUTLL PAdE)................................................. 96 22. THE NERVOUS WOMAN, (FULL PAGE).......................................1Ill 23. LEFT BEHIND, (FULL PAGE)................................................ 118 24. COURTING, (TAIL PIECE).................................................... 120 25. TESTING A MAN'S TEMPER, (FULL PAGE).................................. 123 26. THE THIEF AT HOME, (FULL PAGE)................ %........................ 131 27. JOSIAH'sS SCRE1T, (FULL PAGE)............................................. 150 28. THE EDITOR'S WIFE........................................................ 154 29. THE STRANGER.............................................................. 156 30. INTRODUCTION TO THE SENATOR, (FULL PAGE)............................ 163 81. YOUNGa WOMANHOOD........................................................ 168 32. FALLE9N...................................................................... 170 33. Tax LITTLE INNOCENT...................................................... 172 84. GRxIEF AND RtMORSE.......................................................17 5. "Too TOOKT DRINKIN............................. *......... 0............. 174 86. ABOUT A FAIR THING...................................................... 179 37. JOSIAH FINDS HIS SECREZT is KNOWN, (FULL PAGE)....................... 189 88. MATERNAL AFFECTION, (TAIL PIECEt)...................................... 192 89. AvOIDING A NUISANCE, [FULL PAGE]tj..........................199 40. Tuu 8EWIN' MACHFINE AGENTS, [FULL PAGE].............................207 41. "'IT RNAINT ALWAYS 31EST TO TELL REASONS.99...0.0..............212 04, Txhu WpDua, (TAIL PIECE]...1................................. 40 a0 0 0 0 XIVe WHAT THE KIND ARTIST HAS DONE. 43. "11 Lovzj THKAT WOHAN.".9.000... 0000 eg*.... &...................2 44. ANU tNxoLnn MYSTRERY................................................... 45. SEREPTA IMEITH.................................. o.........................o23 46. "6REEDS HEADIXC Orr,," [FULL PAGE)]........0.............. #...... 0........ 47. Miss Honx................................. o......... o...... -....... o........24 48. A VISIT FROM THECHUuRou, [FULL PAGE].......... o.......... o........... 263 49. Too MANqY RUFFLES. (FULL PAG&E)....... se............... o................ 273 50. COVEREtD, (TAIL PIECE)...................................... o............ o2. 51. "4THAT DOOR WANTS MEci~NDIN BAD," [FULL PAGE].......o................ 2 52. "1APPARENTLY " STRONG.................................................... 30 53. AN "APPARENTLY " WELCOME...........go.........to. 0...................f. 3w3 54. "THE HOUSEc OF MouRaNINl.................................................305 55. GENTILITY............................... o........ o......................o....3 7 56. THE PET, [TAIL PIECE].................... o................................ 315 57. CHEATED................................................................. o... 319 58. COMPETIN' WITH THE BAR-ROOM................................... o........324 59. DEACON ZEBIJLOY COFFIN.................................................. 331 60. THE CONDEMdNED FIDDLEC, [FULL PAGE]....................................334 61. FOOLrA'l AWAY TIME..................................................... 337 62. MEETIN' THE xDEACON....................................................... 343 63. MOLLY CONSOLNIN TOM FlTKNn............................................ 347 64. DRESSED FOR THE BALL.....................................................3&50 65. EXTRAVAGANT WIMMEN..................................................... 351 66. FRUGAL MEN.................................... o...........................35w 67. THE DEACON's OLD GAME...................................................3&55 68. HELPIN' THEC WIDDER....................................................... 360 69. "I RAINY A MORMON..........................................o.. 0........ 367 70. " BUY A G UIDE? "I FULL PAGE)............................ 0.......... 379 71. SAMANTHA, ADDRIESSES GEN. GRANT............................ o........... 400 72. INTERVIEW WITH Got. HAWLEY, [FULL PAGE)............................4M7 73. ONE OF THE SMITHIS [FUlL PAGE)o........................... 0.............. 418 74o JOSIAH'S FIVE HOlURS NAP................................................. 422 7.5. INTRODUCED TO JOHN ROGERS JRt.......................................... 432 76. THE CHINESE DEPARTMENT, [FULL PAGE)................................. 441 77. JOSIAH IN THE DRESSIN'-lRooM................... 4......................... 4.% 78. rOLITENESS TO A STRANGERR............................................... 461 79. THE PHANTOM............................................................... 4 r7 83. SAMANTHA IN THE ARtT GALLERY, [FULL PAGE)........... o...go.... o... o... 417 81. SAMANTHA MEETS Dom PEDRO............................................. 491 82. Ix TROUBLEC................................................................" 83. JOSIAH ADMIltw' THEt WATECR.............................................. 539 84. A SHORT ROLL.............................................................548 85. THE SIENTINAL LICENSEZD................................................... 551 86. BmNrwlN' BaaTo...................*..b.*...................6 87. JUDGSE Brow's SURPRISEZ, (FrULL PAGN)................................. 574 vs. U31=1 TuU3MAlas.,........................ n THE JONESVILLE DEBATIN'-SCHOOL IT was to the Jonesville Debatin'-School, that we first thought on't. It was there that Josiah and me made up our 2 minds to go to Filadelfy village to see the Sentinal. They've had Debatin'-schools to Jonesville this winter, and as I was the only literary woman worth mentionin', they made a great pint of havin' me attend to 'em. I say the only literary woman,-Betsey Bobbet Slimpsey havin' to work out so much that she has entirely left off writin' poetry. She says she can't go out washin', and cleanin' house, and makin' soap, and write poetry at the same time, worth a cent. They have a awful hard time to git sl6ng. They both work out by the day, and they say that she has had to sell her tow frizzles and corneleun ring, and lots of her other nice things that she had to catch her husband with, in order to git along. Howralnever, I don't know this; you can hear anythinq, such a lyin' time, now-a-days-as I told Josiah, the o *ay.- He says to me, says he: 19 20 BETSET SLIMPSET, ksu BOBBT. "I won't believe anything, Samantha, till I see it with my own eyes." And says I,-"I wont believe anything, Josiah Allen, till I have got holt of it." Says I, "mists and black arts are liable to be cast before your eyes; but if you lay holt of anything with your two hands, you are pretty certain it is there." Never havin' laid holt of her tow curls and other ornaments, as they was bein' sold, I don't tell it for certain truth, but only what I have hearn; but that they have a dretful hard time on't to git along, that I know. Besides poverty, the horrors lay holt of Slimpsey the worst kind. They shake him as a dog shakes a chipmunk. When he lived with his first wife he didn't have 'em more'n a few times a month, or so; but now he has 'em every day, stiddy, right along. He yells at Betsey; goes to bed with his boots on; throws his hat at her, hollers, and keeps a actin'. He drinks, too, when he can git anything to drink.. He says he drinks to forget his trouble; but what a simple move that is, for when he gits over it, there his trouble is, right before his eyes. There Betsey stands. Trouble is as black and troublesome again looked at through the glass, and topers find that it is; for they have the old trouble, all the same, besides shame and disgrace, and bodily ruination. Considerin' what a dretful hard time Betsey ha, it THE DIG(NITY OF MARRIAGE. 21 would seem to a bystander to calmly think on't, that she didn't git much of any comfort from her marriage, except the dignity she told me of the other night, with her own tongue as she was goin' home from wasliin', at Miss Gowdey's. (Miss Gowdey had a felon and was disabled.) She had on a old hood, and one of her husband's old coats with brass buttonsfor it was a rainin' and she didn't care for looks. She was all drabbled up, and looked tired enough to sink. She had a piece of pork to pay her for her washin', and a piller-case about half full of the second sort of flour a carry- ALASI POOR BETSEY. in' along, that Miss Gowdey had give her; and as I 22 THE " CREATION SEARCHIN' SOCIETY." happened to be a standin' in the front door a lookin' for my companion, Josiah, - who had gone to Jonesville to mill-we got to talkin' about one thing and another, and she up and told me that she wouldn't part with the dignity she got by marryin', for 25 cents, much as she needed money Though she said it was a worse trial than anybody had any idee of, for her to give up writin' poetry. So, as I was a sayin', bein' the only literary woman of any account in Jonesville, they made a great handlin' of havin' me present at their meetin's, or at least, some of 'em did. Though as I will state and explain, the great question of my takin' part in 'em, rent Jonesville almost to its very twain. Some folks hate to see a woman set up high and honored; they hate to, like a dog. It was gallin' to some men's pride, to see themselves passed by, and a female woman invi-ted to take a part in the great " Creation Searchin' Society," or " Jonesville Lyceum." I sometimes call it Debatin'-school, jest as I used to; but the childern have labored with me; they call it Lyceum, and so does Maggy Snow, and our son-in-law, Whitfield Minkley; (he and Tirzah Ann are married, and it is very agreeable to me and to Josiah, and to Brother and Sister Minkley, very!) Tirzah Ann told me it worked her up, to see me so old-fashioned as to call it Debatin'-school. But says I calmly,-" Work up or not, I shall call it so when I forget the other name." THOMAS JEFFERSON EXPLAINS. 23 And Thomas Jefferson labored with me, and jest as his way is, he went down into the reason and philosophy of things, knowin' well what a case his mother is for divin' deep into reason and first causes. That boy is dretful deep; he is comin' up awful well. He is a ornament to Jonesville, as Lawyer Snow-Maggy's father-told me, last fall. (That haint come off yet; but we are perfectly willin' and agreeable on both sides, and it will probable take place before long. Thomas J. fairly worships the ground she walks on, and so she does hisen.) Says Thomas J to me, says he, "I haint a word to say ag'inst your callin' it Debatin'-school, only I know you are so kinder scientific and philosophical, that I hate to see you usin' a word that haint got science to back it up. Now this word Lyceum," says he, "is derived from the dead languages, and from them that is most dead. It is from the Greek and Injun; a kind of a half-breed. Ly, is from the Greek, and signifies and means a big story, or, in other words, a falsehood; and ce-um is from the Injun; and it all means, 'see 'em lie."' That boy is dretful deep; admired as he is by everybody, there is but few indeed that realize what a mind he has got. He convinced me right on the spot, and I make a practice of callin' it so, every time I think of it. But as I told Tirzah Ann-work up or not, if they was mortified black as a coal, both of 'em, when 24 OPENING NIGHT OF THE "LYCEUM." I forgot that name I should call it by the old one. Tlere has been a awful thorough study into things to the Debatin'-school, or Lyceum. It has almost skairt me sometimes, to see 'em go so deep into hard subjects. It has seemed almost like temptin' Providence, to know so mucih, and talk so wise and Sasmart as some of " 'ema have. " I Iwas in favor S? of their havin' 'em, Sfrom the very first on't, and said open"ly, that I laid out to attend'erm; but SI thought m y soul, SI should have to stay to home, the very first one. It commenced on a THE EDITOR OF THE AUGER. Tuesday night, and I had got my mind all worked up about goin' to it; and I told the Widder Doodle, (Josiah's brother's wife, that is livin' with us at present,) I told her in the afternoon, it would be a dretful blow to me if anything should happen to keep me to home; and I got a early breakfast, a purpose to get a early dinner, so's to have a early supper, so's to be ready to go, you OBSTACLES MET WITH. 25 know, sunthin' as the poem runs:-" The fire begun to burn the stick, the stick begun to lick the kid, and the kid begun to go." Wall, before supper, I went up into the Widdý Doodle'ses room to git my soap-stone, to put on thb tank to have it a warmin' for the ride; (I let the Widder have the soap-stone, nights, shie havin' no other companion, and bein' lonesome, and troubled with cold feet. I do well by the Widder) As I come down with it, all boyed up in my mind about what a edifyin' and instructive time I was a goin' to have, the Widder spoke up and says she: "Josiah has jest been in, and he don't know as he shall go to Jonesville, after all, he says the Editor of the Auger is sick." He was to make the openin' speech. "What ails the Editor?" says I. Says she,-" He has got the Zebra Spinner Magnetics." "Good land!" says I, "he wont never get over it, will he? I shouldn't never expect to get well if I had that distemper, and I don't know as I should want to. It must leave the system in a awful state." "Yes," says Josiah, who had come in with an armful of wood, " the Editor is bad off; but Sister Doodle haint got it jest right; it is the Zebra Smilin' Marcellus that has got a holt of him. Solomon Cypher told me about it when he went byo9n his saw log." 2 26 THE EDITOR OF THE AUGER IN TROUBLE. " Wall," says I coolly, " a few words, more or less, haint a goin' to make or break a distemper. You both seem to be agreed and sot onto the Zebra, so s'posen we call it the Zebra, for short. Do you know whether he catched the Zebra, or whether it come onto him spontaneous, as it were? Anyway, I don't believe he will ever git over it." And I sithed as I thought of the twins, he has had a sight of twins sense he married this woman, I never see such a case for twins, as the Editor is. And I sithed as I thought of every span of 'em; and the ma, and step-ma of 'em. I kep' a sithin', and says I. " This distemper is a perfect stranger to me, Josiah Allen. Where does the Zebra take holt of anybody?" Says he,-" The disease is in the backside of his neck, and the posterity part of his brain." And then! felt better, I felt well about the Editor of the Augers'es wife, and the twins. Says I in a cheerful voice * "If the disease is in his brain, Josiah, I know he will have it light. I know they can quell it down easy " I knew well that there could be a large, a very large and interestin' book made out of what the Editor didn't know. The minute he told me the Zebra was in his brain, I knew its stay there would be short, for it wouldn't find anything to support itself on, for any length of time. I felt well; my heart felt several AN ALLEGORY. 27 pounds lighter than it had; for lightnus of heart never seems so light, as it does after anybody has been carryin' a little jag of trouble. It takes the little streaks of shadow to set off the sunshine. Life is considerable like a rag carpet, if you only look on it with the eye of a weaver. It is made up of dark stripes and light stripes, and sometimes a considerable number of threads of hit or miss; and the dark stripes set off the light ones, and make 'em look first rate. But I am allegorin'. As I said, I felt relieved and cheerful, and I got supper on the table in a few minutes-the tea-kettle was all biled. After supper, I said to Josiah in cheerful axents: " I guess we had better go to Jonesville, anyway, ftr my mind seenms to be sot onto that Debatin'-school, and I don't believe the Editor's havin' the Zebra will break it down at all; and I want to go to Tirzah Ann's a few minutes; and we are about out of teathere haint enough for another drawi' " Josiah said it wasn't best to take the old mare out naain that night, and he didn't believe there would be a Debatin'-school, now the Editor had got the Zebra; lie thought that would flat it all out. I didn't argue on that; I didn't stand on the Zebra, knowin' well, I had a keener arrer in my bow I merely threw in this remark, in a awful dry tone: "Very well, Josiah Allen; I can git along on sage 28 JOSIAH MANAGED, tea, if you can; or, 1 can make crust coffee for breakfast." I calmly kep' a braidin' up my back hair, previous to doin' it up in a wad, for I knew what the end thereof would be. My companion, Josiah, is powerfully attached to his tea, and he sot for a number of minutes in perfect silence, meditatin'-I knew by the looks of his face-on sage tea. I kep' perfectly still and let him meditate, and wouldn't have interrupted him for the world, for I knew that sage tea, and crust coffee, taken internally of the mind, (as it were,) was what was good for him jest then. And so it proved, for in about three minutes and a half, he spoke out in tones as sharp as a meat axe; some like a simetar "' Wall! do git ready if you are a goin'. I never did see such cases to be on the go all the time, as wimmen be. But 1 shall go with the Bobs, jest as I come from the woods, I haint a goin' to fuss to git out the sleigh to-night." He acted cross, and worrysome, but I answered him calmly, and my mean looked first rate as I said it: "There is a great literary treat in front of me, tonight, Josiah Allen, and a few Bobs, more or less, haint a goin' to overthrow my comfort, or my principles. No! " says I stoppin' at my bed-room door, and wavin' my right hand in a real eloquent wave; "no! no! Josiah Allen; the seekin' mind, bent on improvin' itself; and the earnest soul a plottin' after 0p THE RIDE TO JONESVILLE. 31 the good of the race, Bobs has no power over Such minds cannot be turned round in their glorious career by Bobs." "WallI wall!" he snapped out again, "do git ready. I believe wimmen would stop to talk and visit on their way to the stake." I didn't say nothin' back, but with a calm face I went into the bed-room and put on my brown alpaca dress; for I thought seein' I had my way, I'd let him have his say, knowin' by experience, that the last word would be dretful sort o' comfortin' to him. I had a soap-stone and plenty of Buffaloes, and I didn't care if we did go on the Bobs, (or Roberts, I s'pose would be more polite to call 'er.) There was a good floor to 'em, and so we sot off, and I didn't care a mite if I did feel strange and curious, and a good deal in the circus line; as if I was some first-class curiosity that my companion, Josiah, had discovered in a foreign land, and was carryin' round his native streets for a side-show. When we got to Jonesville, we found they was a goin' to start the Debatin'-school, jest the same as if the Editor hadn't got the Zebra. We went into Tirzah Ann's a few minutes, and she give us a piece of fresh beef-Whitfield had jest bought a quarterJosiah hadn't killed yet. Beef is Josiah's favorite refreshment, and I told him we would have it for dinner the next day. Josiah begun to look clever; 32 THE DEBATIN'-SCHOOL. and he asked me in affectionate arfd almost tender axents, if apple dumplin's didn't go first rate with roast beef and vegetables. I told him yes, and I would make some for dinner, if nothin' happened. Josiah felt well; his worrysome feelin's all departed from him. The storekeeper had jest opened an uncommon nice chest of tea, too. I never see a man act and look cleverer than my pardner did, he was ready to go anywhere, at any time. We got to the school-house where it was held, in good season, and got a good scat, and I loosened my bunnet strings and went to knittin' But, as I said, they was determined (some on 'em) that I should hold up one of the sides of the arguments, but of course, as could be expected in such a interestin' and momentous affair, in which Jonesville and the world at large was so deeply interested, there was them that it galled, to see a woman git up so high in the world. There was them that said it would have a tendency to onsettle and break up the hull fabric of society for a woman to take part in such hefty matters as would be argued here. Some said it was a revolutionary idee, and not to be endured for half a moment of time; and they brought up arguments from thle Augerwrote by its Editor-to prove out that wimmen ortn't to have no such privileges and honors. They said, as sick as the Editor was now, it would kill him if he 8hould hear that the " Creation Searchiu' Society "-- SAMANTHA'S POSITION DISCUSSED. 33 that he had labored so for-had demeaned itself by lettin' a woman take part in it. They said as friends of the Editor, they wouldn't answer for the shock on his nervous and other system. Neither would they answer for the consequences to Jonesville and the world-the direful consequences, sure to flow from liftin' a female woman so far above her spear. Their talk was scareful, very, and some was fearfully affected by it; but others was jest as rampant on the other side; they got up and defied 'em. They boldly brought forward my noble doin's on my tower, how I had stood face to face with that heaven-honored man of peace, Horace Greely-heaven-honored and heaven-blest now-how he had confided in me; how my spectacles had calmly gazed into hisen, as we argued in deep debate concernin' the welfare of the nation, and wimmen. How I had preserved Grant from perishin' by poetry, how I had labored with Victory and argued with Theodore. They said such doin's had rose me up above other wimmen; had lifted me so far up above her common spear, as to make me worthy of any honors the nation could heap onto me; made me worthy even to take a part in the " Jonesville Creation Searchin' and World Investigatin' Society " "I let 'em fight it out, and didn't say a word. They fit, and they fit, and I sot calmly there on my seat a knittin' my Josiah's socks, and let 'em go on. 34 SAMANTHA'S OPINIONS OF THE SUBJECT. I knew where I stood in my own mind; I knew I shouldn't git up and talk a word after they got through fightin'. Not that I think it is out of character for a woman to talk in public, nay, verily I is, in my opinion, no more wearin' on her throat, or her morals, to git up and talk to a audience for their amusement and edification, in a calm and collected voice, than it is for her to key up her voice and sing to 'em by the hour, for the same reason. But everybody has their particular fort, and they ort in my opinion to stick to their own forts and not try to git on to somebody else'es. Now, influencin' men's souls, and keepin' their morals healthy by words of eloquence, is some men's forts. Nailin' on good leather soles to keep their body's healthy, is another man's fort. One is jest as honorable and worthy as the other, in my opinion, if done in the fear of God and for the good of mankind, and follerd as a fort ort to be follerd. But when folks leave their own lawful forts and try to git on to somebody else'es fort, that is what makes trouble, and makes crowded forts and weak ones, and mixes things. Too many a gettin' on to a fort at one time, is what breaks it down. My fort haint talkin' in public, and I foller it up from day to day, as a fort ort to be follerd. So I was jest as cool as a ccwcumber, outside and inside, and jest as lives see 'em go on makin' consummit idiots of themselves as not, and ruther. oxasi~ Fýý -U N. // 1 THE ORATORS. 37 THE ORATORS. 37 It was enough to make a dog snicker and laugh (if he hadn't deep principle to hold him back, as I had,) to see 'em go on. The President Cornelius Cork, and Solomon Cypher talked the most. They arc both eloquent and almost finished speakers; but Solomon Cypher havin' had better advantages than the Presiden t, of course goes ahead of him as an oriter A - nephew of hisen, P Cypher Bumpus, old Philander. Bumpus'es only Iy boy, (named after? his father, and uncle Cypher,) has j4 been there to his uncle's givin' him for tutorin' him. THE YOUNG NEPHEW. I s'pose P Cypher Bumpus can't be beat on elocution; he's studied hard, and took lessons of some big elocutionists, and they say he can holler up as loud, and look as wild as the biggest of 'em, and dwindle 2* 38 THE PRESIDENT, his voice down as low, and make as curious motions as the curiousest of 'em. Besides, he has took up lots in his own hcad. Ile is very smart, naturally, and has stood by his uncle Solomon all winter, like a Major And considerin' Solomon's age, and his natural inind-whichli aint none of the best-and his lameness, I never see a man make such headway as Solomon Cypher has. Ile can make eloquent and impressive gestures, very Cornelius Cork, the President, they say has been a tryin to learn himiself; has tried to take gestures and motions up in his own head; but bein' a poor inan arid not bein' able to hire a teacher, of course lie don't make nuch headlway, don't git along nigh so well. Hie haint got but one gesture broke in so lie can lhandIle it to any advantige, and that is pointin' his forefinger at the audience, with the rest of his hiand shiet up; dartin' it out sometimes, as if it was a bayonet lie was goin' to run through their hearts, and somietimes holdin' it back, and takin' a more distant and deliberate aim with it, as if it was a popgun lie kep' by him to shoot down congregvations with. That is all he has got at present, but truly, he does the best he can, with what he has to do with. It don't scare the audience so inuch I s'pose as lie thinks it ort to, and lie probable gits discouraged; but he ort to consider that he can't show off much in gestures, while Solomon Cypher is livin'. A kerosine lamp PRONOUNCING BY EAR. 39 c------------------------- can't show off to any advantage when the sun gits up. But the President done well as I said, with what he had to do with. He pinted that forefinger almost threatningly in every direction, from Zenith to Nathan, as he went on to say: he hadn't no personal objections to Josiah Allen's wife, "fur frummit." Cornelius Cork bein' a poor man, and shackled with the support of four maiden sisters of his own, and a mother-inlaw and a grandmother-in-law of his wife's, besides a large family of childern of their own, haint never felt able to own a dictionary, and so THE ONE GESTURE. he pronounces by ear, and makes mistakes. But considerin' his circumstances and shackles, I don't think he ort to be run down for it. It makes it very bad, sometimes, for Solomon Cypher, for he bein' so took up with gestures and motions, and bein' one easy led 40 PRINCIPLES ABOVE WOMEN. astray by them that are in high office, he follers on blindly after the President and uses lots of words he wouldn't dremp of usin', if he hadn't heerd the President use 'em. It makes it bad for Solomon, very. The President repeated the words again, with dignity and emphasis: "fur frummit." He trusted he realized too well whose tower it was, that bein' gone off on, had lifted Jonesville fur up above surroundin' nations; had lifted it high up on fame's towerin' pillow, and shed a lurid light on the housen thereof. He trusted he was too familiar with that noble book of hern, of which he had read the biggest heft, and was calculatin' to tackle the rest of it if he lived long enough. And he had said, and he said still, that such a book as that, was liable to live and go down to Posterity, if Posterity didn't git shiftless and hang off too long. And if anybody said it wasn't liable to, he called 'em "traitor, to the face; traitor to Jonesville; traitor to Josiah Allen's wife, traitor to Josiah." His face got red as blood, and he sweat considerable, he talked so hard, and got so excited, and pointed that forefinger so powerful and frequent at the audience, as if he was-in spirit-shootin' 'em down like wild turkeys. Jest as quick as he collected breath enough, he went on to say that though nobody could go ahead of him in honorin' that esteemable woman, still he sot principle up in his mind above any other female; THE PRESIDENT QUOTES LATIN. 41 higher even than Josiah Allen's wife. It was solid principle lie was upholdin'; the principle of the male sex not bein' infringed upon, that was his stand." Says he, "For a female woman to talk in public on such momentous and weighty subjectssubjects that weigh I don't know what they wont weigh but this I know: every one will be hefty;for a female woman to talk on those deep and perhaps awful subjects as they are a bein' brung up, would have a dangerous tendency to make a woman feel as if she was equal to man. It would have a tendency to infringe on him; and if there is anything a man can't, nor wont stand, it is infringin' And it would also bring her into too close contract with him, and so, on them grounds, as a Latin author observes in a similar case 'I deny her the right in tato toto.'" That was Latin, and I s'pose he thought it would scare me, but it didn't a mite, for I don't s'pose he knew what it meant no more'n I did. I bound off my heel with composure. But the eicitement was fearful; no sooner would them on one side make a motion, tlan them on the other side would git up and make a different motion. You know when slieep go to jumpin' over the fence, if one goes, they all want to go. There was the awfulest sight of motions made, I ever see; everybody was jumpin' up and makin' 'em. Why, one spell, I had to lay holt of Josiah Allen and hold him down by main strength, 42 SIMON SLIMPSEY SPEAKS. or he'd been up a makin' 'em; he wanted to, and tried to, but I laid holt of him and argued to him. Says I: " Let 'em fight it out; don't you make a single motion, Josiah Allen." And Josiah, feelin' clever, consented not to, and sot still, and I went to knittin' again. But it was a scene of almost fearful confusion, and excitement. No sooner had the President sot down, sayin' he denied me the right " in tato oto," than Simon Slimpsey got up (with difficulty) and says he, in a almost thick tone "I think taint best to give her the potato." He had been a drinkin' and didn't know what he was sayin' He sot down again right off-had tofor he couldn't stand up. But as he kinder fell back on his seat, he kep' a mutterin' that " she didn't ort to have the potato give her; she didn't know enough to plant the tater, or hoe it-she hadn't ort to have it." Nobody minded him. But Solomon Cypher jumped up, and says he, smitin' his breast with his right hand: "I motion she haint no right to talk." And again he smote his breast almost severely. " I motion you tell on what grounds you make the motion!" says the Editor of the Gimlet, jumpin' up and throwin' his head back nobly " I motion you set down again," says the President, SOLOMON CYPHER GETS EXCITED. 43 -takin' aim at him as if he was a mushrat-" I motion you set down and give him a chance to git up and tell why he made the motion." So the Editor of the Gimlet sot down, and Solomon Cypher riz up: "I stand on this ground," (says he, stampin' down his right foot,) " and on this ground I make my motion:" (says he, stampin' down his left one, and smitin' himself a almost dangerous blow in the breast,) "that this society haint no place for wimmen. Her mind haint fit for it; 'fur frummit,' as my honored friend, the President observes,-'fur frummit.' There is deep subjects a goin' to be brung up here, that is all my mind can do, to rastle with and throw 'em; and for a female woman's mind to tackle 'em, it would be like settin' a pismire to move a meetin' house. Wimmen's minds is weak." Here he smote himself a fearful blow right in the pit of his stomach, and repeated the words slowly and impressively "Wimmen's minds is weak. But this haint the main reason why I make my motion. My main reason is, that I object, and I always will-while I have got a breath left in my body-object to the two sexes a comin'-as my honored friend the President says-' in such close contract with each other, as they would have to if wimmen took any part with men in such public affairs. Keep separate from each other I 44 PRESENT SAFETY AND FUTURE DANGERS. that is my ground, and that is my motion. Keep wimmen off as fur as you can, if you would be safe and happy Men has their place," says he,-stridin' forred a long step with his right foot, and stretchin' up his riglit arm nobly towards the sky as fur as he could with safety to his armpit-" and wimmen has hern!"-steppin' back a long step with his left foot, and pintin' down with his left hand, down through a hole in the floor, into the cellar-" and it is necessary for the public safety," says lie,-a smitin' his breast, first with his right hand and then with his left-" that he keep hisen, and she hern. As the nation and individuals are a goin' on now, everything is safe." (Here he stopped and smiled.) " The nation is safe." (Another smile.) "And men and wimmen are safe, for they don't come in contract with each other.' (Here he stopped and smiled three times.) "But if wimmen are ever permitted in the future to take any part in public affairs, if they are ever permitted to come in contract with man, and bring thereby ruin, deep, deadly ruin onto Jouesville and the world, I want Jonesville and the world to remember that I have cleared my coat-skirts in the matter. I lift 'em out of the fearful and hazardous enterprise." He had an old-fashioned dress coat on, with long skirts, that come most to the floor, and as he said this, he lifted 'em up with a almost commandin' air, as if he was a liftin' 'em out of black mud. He lifted 'em A DEADLY BLOW 45 A DEADLY BLOW 45 right up, and they stood out in front of his arms, some like wings; and, as he stood lookin' round the audience, in this commandin' and imposin' position, he repeated the words in a more lofty and majestic tone "I clear my coat-skirts of the hull matter, You see me clear 'em. None of the bloody ruin can be laid on- I to my coat-skirts." It was a thrillin' moment. It had a terribly depressin' effect on a great many lovers of justice and wimnmen's votin', who was present. They see a the dangers hedgin' in the enterprise, as they never see 'em before. They A THRILLIN' MOMENT. see the power of the foe they was fightin' ag'inst, and trembled and quailed before him. But though I realized well what was a goin' on before me, though I knew what a deadly blow he was a givin' to the cause, I held firm, and kep' a cool mean, and never thought for half a moment of givin' up my shield. 46 SOLOMON GIVES DUE NOTICE OF HIS POSITION. And then I knew it wasn't so much his words-although they was witherin'-as his lofty majesty of bearin', that influenced the almost breathless audience. He stood in that commandin' posture, I have described, for I should judge, nearly one moment and a half, and then he repeated the words " For I say unto you,"-and here he dropped his coat-skirts suddenly, and struck himself in the breast a sudden and violent blow with his thumb,-the fingers all standin' out straight, like the bones of a fan"for I say unto you; and if these are the last words you shall ever hear from my humble but perfectly honorable mouth, - remember, Jonesville and the world, that I died a sayin', beware of the female pole." I never in my hull life heerd a pole sound so faint and sickly as that pole did. It dwindled away almost to nothin', and lie kinder shet his eyes up and sallied away, as if lie was a goin to die off himself. It skairt some of the wimmen most to death, it was so impressive, but I knew it was all the effect of high trainin', I knew lie would come to in a minute, and lie did. Pretty soonl he kinder repeated the words, in a sickly tone " Remember, I died a sayin': beware of the female pole. Beware! beware!!" And oh, how skairt them wimmen was again; for lie straightened right up and yelled out them EFFECTS OF HIGH TRAININ' 47 two bewares, like a couple of claps of thunder; and his eyes kep' a growin' bigger and bigger, and his voice grew louder and louder, till it seemed as if it would raise the very ruff-though it had jest been new sningled, (cost the deestrick 20 dollars,)-and he looked round the audience as wise as any owl I ever laid eyes on, and struck himself a very fearful blow with his thumb, right on his stomach, and says lie: "Beware of bein' infringed upon! "-and then followed another almost dangerous blow-" Beware of that terrible and fearful day, when men and wimmen shall come in contract with each other." He stopped perfectly still, looked all round the house with that wise and almost owl-like look on him, and then in a slow, impressive, and eloquent manner, he raised his hands and struck his breast bone with both thumbs and sot down. Some of the speakers seemed to be real envious of his gestures, but they ort to have considered that it was all in knowin' how; it was all in practice. Ie'd probably studied on every motion for days and days, and they hadn't ort to have begreched 'em so to him. But if he hadn't never studied on elocution and impressive gesturin', if he hadn't looked a mite like an owl for solemnity and wisdom, his talk would have been dretful impressive and scareful to some, he painted it all out in such high colors, what a terrible and awful thing it would be for the two sects to ever come in 48 HOW IT WOULD STRIKE A BTRANGER. "contract with each other." I s'pose he meant contact,-I haint a doubt of it. Why, to have heerd him go on, if there had been a delegate present to the " Creation Searchin' Society," from the moon-or any other world adjacent to Jonesville-he wouldn't have had any idee that men and wimmen had ever got any nearer to each other than from half to three-quarters of a mile. I s'pose I SUNDAY SLUMBERS. never could have made that foreigner believe, if I had talked myself blind, that, for all Solomon Cypher THE SPEAKERS GET EXCITED. 49 showed such deadly fear of men comin' in " contract" with wimmen, he had lived with one forty years; drinked out of the same dipper; slept together Sundays in the same pew of the same meetin' house; and brought up a big family of childern together, which belonged to both on 'em. Howsumever, them was the facts of the case, but I let him go on, for principle held me down, and made me want to know how it would end, whether freedom, and the principles of our 4 fathers would triumph, or'whether they would be quirled up like caterpillers, and be trod on. I knew in my mind I shouldn't git up and talk, not if they voted me in ten times over, for reasons that I give more formally, and besides them reasons, I was lame, and had ruther set and knit, for Josiah needed his socks, and I have always said, and I say still, that a woman ort to make her family comfortable, before she tackles the nation, or the heathen, or anything. So they kep' on a fightin', and I kep' on a knittin'; and upleld by principle, I never let on but what I was dyin' to git up and talk. They got awful worked up on it; they got as mad as hens, every one on 'em, all but Josiah. He sot by me as happy as you please, a holdin' my ball of yarn. He acted cleverer than he had in some time; he was awful clever and happy, and so was I; we felt well in our 2 minds, as we sot 50 LONESOMENESS OF CROWDS. there side by side, while the fearful waves of confusion and excitement, and Cornelius Cork and Solomon Cypher, was a tostin' to and fro about us. And oh, how happyfyin' and consolin' and satisfyin' to the mind it is, when the world is angry and almost mad at you, to set by the side of them you are attached to by links considerable stronger than cast iron. In the midst of the wildest tempests, you feel considerable safe, and some composed. No matter if you don't speak a word to them, nor they to you, their presence is sufficient; without 'em, though you may be surrounded by admirin' congregations, there is, as the poet says, "a goneness;;" the biggest crowds are completely unsatisfactory, and dwindle down to the deepest lonesomeness. Though the hull world should be a holdin' you up, you would feel tottlin' and lonesome, but the presence of the one beloved, though he or slie-as the case may be-- may not be hefty at all, still is large enough to fill a meetin' house, or old space himself without 'em, and truly, when heart leans upon heart, (figgeratively speakin') there is a rest in it that feather beds cannot give, neither can they take away My companion Josiah's face shines with that calm, reposeful happiness, when ]e is in my society, and I-although I know not why I do-experience the same emotions in hiisen. Finally, at half past eleven-and they was com A COMBINED EPPORT. 51 pletely tuckered out on both sides-the enemies of wimmen's suffragin' and justice, kinder all put together and brought in a motion, Solomon Cypher bein' chief bearer and spokesman of the procession. They raised him up to this prominent position, because he was such a finished speaker The motion was clothed upon in eloquent and imaginative language. Solomon Cypher never got it up alone. Cornelius Cork, and the Editor of the Auger, and probable two or three others had a liand in it, and helped git it up. It had a almost thrillin' effect on the audience, though, by jest readin' it over, nobody can git any clear idee how it sounded to hear Solomon Cypher declaim it forth with appropriate and impressive gestures, and a lofty and majestic expression onto him. This was the motion: "Be it resolved over, and motioned at, and acted upon by us, 'Creation Searchers and World Investigators,' that wimmen's body and mind, are both of 'em, as much too weak and feeble to tackle the subjects that will be brung up here, as a span of pismires are, to lay to and move a meetin' house." After he had finished makin' the motion, he stood a moment and a half lookin' round on the audience with a smile on his lips, while such is the perfect control lie has got by hard practice over his features, that at the same time his mouth was a smilin', there was a severe and even gloomy expression on the upper part -'~q 52 SAMANTHA RETURNS THANKS. of his face, and an empty and vacant look in his eyes. Then he smote himself meaningly and impressively in the pit of his stomach, and sot down. And then, as it was considerable still for a moment, I spoke "calmly out of my seat to *.P P. A. AND P. I. LAST Tuesday, Thomas J took Maggy Snow over to Tirzah Ann's a visitin', and they stayed to the Debatin' school; and it was that evenin' that Josiah and me first talked it over about goin' to the Sentinal. Thomas J and Maggy haint married yet; when they will be I don't exactly know, but before long I think. Josiah can't bear the thought of havin' Thomas J goin' away from home, and Squire Snow wants to keep Maggy jest as long as he can. He has been awful sot, the old Squire has, on havin' 'em live there right in the family after they was married. But Thomas J is as determined as a rock in one thing, that when he and Maggy are married they are goin' to keep house by themselves. And I don't blame him a mite. The Squire's folks are well off and have got everything nice and convenient, hot and cold water comes right up into the chambers, and other things for their comfort. But his sister Sophronia 121 122 THOMAS J. AND MAGGY Snow, lives with 'em; has got to have a home there always accordin' to old Mr Snow'ses will. And I've heerd, and haint a doubt of it in my own mind, that she is a meddlesome critter, and grows worse as she grows older You know time affects different natures different, etcetery, and to wit:-it will make wine softer, and sweeter, and mellower, and make vinegar sour, and sharper than a serpent's tooth, if serpents have got teeth, which I never believed for a minute. I don't blame Thomas J a mite for not wantin' to settle down and live with 'erm, neither do I blame 'em for not wantin' to come and live with us, though it would be dretful agreeable to me and Josiah. Thomas J talks about goin' west to live, when he gets married, and if he does it will be a awful blow to me, but still I want him to do what is best for him, and I tell Josiah that we all ort to use reason if we have got any to use. Let the young birds build a nest for themselves, even if the old birds are lonesome. Says I to Josiah: " We left two old birds lonesome Josiah Allen, when we built our own nest and feathered it out on the inside to our own comfort and likin', with the pure white feathers of love and content," (I meant by the two old birds father Smith and mother Allen, though they don't look a mite like birds either of 'em.) "and them feathers we feathered it out with, are warm and soft now as anything." "Well," says Josiah, "we didn't go west." r L TEThING4 A MAN4'S TEMPERk. MARRIED PEOPLE GETTING ACQUAINTED. 123 That thought seems to plague him the most of anything, and it does me too, I don't deny But Thomas J. is in the right on't about wantin' to set out in married life without any outside weights and incumbrances. The first years in married life is a precarious time, make the best of it. A dretful curious, strange, precarious time; and if ever a woman wants a free room for meditation and prayer, it is then; and likewise the same with the man. There never was two persons so near alike, but what they was different, and had their different ways and eccentricities; and folks don't realize the difference in their dispositions so much, I can tell you, when they live from a half to three quarters of a mile apart, as they do when they cook over the same stove, and sleep under the same comforter A woman may think slie knows a man jest as well as if she had been through his head with a lantern a number of times; but let her come to live with him from day to day, and from week to week-in sunshine and in storm; when dinner is ready at noon, and when it is late; when his boot-jack is on the nail, and when it gets lost; when stove pipes are up, and when they are bein' put up; and in all other trials and reverses of life. I tell you she will come acrost little impatient obstinate streaks in him she never laid eyes on before, little selfish, overbearin' streaks. And the same with her. He may have been firm as a rock in the belief he was marryin' an angel, but the very first time 124 NO INTERMEDDLERS WANTED. he brings unexpected company home to dinner on washin' day, he'll find he haint. They may be awful good-principled well-meanin' folks nevertheless, but there are rocks they have got to sail round, and they want strength, and they want patience, and they want elbo' room. It is a precarious time for both on 'em, and they don't want no third person round be she male or female, sacred or profane, to intermeddle or molest. Let 'em fight their own warfare, enjoy their own blessings, build up their own homes in the fear of God, sacred to their own souls alone, and to Him. They don't want any little hasty word they may say to eaclh other, commented on and repeated five minutes after, when it is all made up and forgiven. They don't want anybody to run and complain to, in the little storms of temper that sometimes darken the honeymoon. Good land! if they are let alone the little clouds will disperse of themselves. And there is another moon, what you may call the harvest moon of married life, that rises to light true married lovers on their pilgrimage. It may not be so brilliant and dazzlin' as the honeymoon, but its light is stiddy, and calm, and mellow as anything, and it shines all the way down to the dark valley, and throws its pure light clear acrost it to the other side. Thomas J. and Maggy will walk in its light yet, if they are let alone, for they love each other with a firm and castiron affection, that reminds me of Josiah and me, my affection and hisen. TRUE MARRIAGE. 125 So as I say I don't blame 'em a mite for not wantin' to live witli his folks or hern. When passion has burnt itself out, and been purified into a calm tender affection but firm as anything can be firm, and patience has been born of domestic tribulation; when they have built up tleir own home on the foundations of mutual forbearance, and unselfishness, and trust in each other, as they will have to build it in order to liave it stand-then in the true meanin' of the term the two twain have become one. The separate strands of their own individual existence will become twisted into one firm cord, strong enough to stand any outside pressure-Soplironia Snow, or any other strain. Then if they want to take in a few infirm or even bedrid relations on his side or on hers, let 'em take 'em in, it would be perfectly safe. Let 'em do as they are a mind to, with fear and tremblin' But though I tell all this to Josiah Allen a tryin' to make him reconciled to the idee of lettin' Thomas J go, though I keep a firm demeanor on the outside of me, nobody knows the feelin's I feel when I think of his goin' west to live. Why when Tirzali Ann was married, the day after she moved away, the feelin's I felt, the lonesomeness that took liolt on me, wore on me so that I had to go to bed regular, ondress, and everything. But I held firm there in the bed, I hung on to reason, and never let on what ailed me. And Josiah and the Widder Doodle, was skairt most to death about me, and sweat 126 GOOD EFFECT OF A SWEAT. me-give me a hemlock sweat. And though I didn't say nothin' thinks'es I to myself, with the bitter feelin's I have got inside of me, and a hemlock sweat on the outside, I am in a pretty hot place. But I persume that sweat was the best thing they could have done. It kinder opened the pours, and took my mind offen my troubles. It was so oncommon disagreeable, and hard to bear, that I couldn't think of anything else while it was a goin' on. And then it satisfied them, that was why I let 'em go on with it; it kinder took up their minds, and kep' 'em from talkin' to me every minute, and mournin' to me about Tirzah Ann's goin' away Truly, feelin' as I felt, I could stand a hemlock sweat better than I could that. But as I said more formally, I held firm there in the bed. Though my body was wet with sweat, my mind was dry and firm, and my principles cool and hefty I knew it was the way of nater, what I ort to have expected, and what was perfectly right. I couldn't expect to keep the childern with me always, it was unreasonable. And though it would seem as lonesome and roomy as if one side of the house was gone, I must stand it the best I could. Now when a bird lets her young ones fly away from the old nest, I dare persume to say, lots of memories almost haunt that old bird's heart, of sweet May mornin's, and the little ones chirpin' in the nest, and her mate a workin' for 'em, and a singin' to 'em close by. I dare say she THOMAS J. TO GET A SHEEP-SKIN. 127 thought it all over, that old bird did, how the sweet May mornin' with its bloom and gay brightness, she couldn't never see again, and the little soft, dependent, lovin' things couldn't never come back to her heart again, to be loved and to be worked for, and she,paid for that work every minute by watchin' their growin' strength and beauty But she held firm-and when the time came for 'em to fly, she let 'em fly No matter what she felt, upheld by duty and principle she pushed 'em out of the nest herself. She held firm, and so Samantha Allen is determined to, she whose maiden name was Smith. If Thomas J and Maggy could feel contented to settle down in Jonesville after they was married, the cup of my happiness would be full and runnin' over, and so would Josiah's cup, for we could see him every day, or tlree times a day if we wanted to. But they have got a good Doctor there now-Thomas J. has studied for a Doctor, goin' to get his sheepskin in July Though I have said and I say still, that I never heerd of such a present to give the last day of school as a sheep-skin. And it looks to me as if his teachers was dretful hard up for presents, to have to fall back on a sheep-skin. I told Thomas J. that when a scholar had studied day and nirlit as he had for three years and over, it seemed as if (if they was goin' in to sheep presents at all,) they ort to give him as much as a live sheep, instead of killiin' it and eatin' the mutton themselves, and givin' him the 128 DOODLE REMEMBERED AGAIN. hide, howsuimever, it haint none of my business, and if lie is satisfied I ort to be. Old Dr. Boinbus speaks dretful well of him, says he is jest as good a Doctor to-day as he is, but folks have got kinder attached to the old Doctor, he havin' helped their friends into life and out of it, for years, they naturally take to him, and there don't seem to be much of any chance for a young Doctor, I think, and I know that Thomas J and Maggy had ruther stay in Jonesville if it wasn't for that- he and Maggy settle down by themselves there-than to go west. But if he makes up his mind to go, I am determined to put my shoulder blades to the wheel, keep my mind stiddy and stabled, so's to do justice to my own principles, and be a comfort to my Josiah. As I said, Thomas J took Maggy over to Tirzah Ann's in the mornin' a calculatin' to stay to the Debatin' school, and I told Josiah we'd have an early supper, and go in good season. We had stewed oysters, and warm biscuit and canned peaches, a first rate supper, and Josiah said it was. And it went off dretful agreable all but one thing, the Widder Doodle shed tears when Josiali passed the oysters to her, she said them oysters put lier in mind so of Doodle. But she wiped up in a minute or two, and enjoyed ler supper first rate. She didn't want to go out in the cold sle said, and she offered to wasll up the dishesthere wasn't but a handful of 'em and so I let her. The dish-pan put her in mind of Doodle again, and A BURGLER CAUGHT. 129 we left her a cryin; it was time to go and we started off. Josiah went to the Post-office, and I had a little tradin' to do to the stores and the groceries. But Jonesville was all up in end, as you may say, and every place where I went to I could see that every man was rent with excitement to his very foundations. A grocer man where we did our tradin' hlad been burgled the night before. A poor man, a chair bottomer by trade, had stole a codfish weighin' two pounds and a half, and a dozen of onions. IHe had tried to git work and couldn't git a thing to do, so he was obleiged to follow his trade in a different way from what he wanted to follow it, and the consequence was, his family was perishin' for food. And his wife havin' the consumption thought she could eat a little codfish and onions if she had 'em. So, as he couldn't get trusted for 22 cents lie lay to and stole 'em. And Jonesville rose to a man in anger and wrath, I never see so big a excitement tliere, and Josi.h said he never seen a excitement there or any where else, any where near the size of this. More'n a dozen told us the story before we had been in the grocery twenty minutes, for they was rampant to tell it. They said they got on the track of the codfish and onions early in the mornin', tracked 'em to the haunt of the robber (he lived in a shanty on the age of the village) and tore the booty he hlad obtained by 130 RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION AGAINST THIEVES. lawless rapine from his grasp. The grocer man that was rapined got back the biggest part of the codfish skin, and three of the onions. Though they said the robber's pardner in iniquity tried to conceal her guilty treasure beneath the straw bolster, for she was sick abed, and didn't know when she should ever get anything to eat again. They said they demolished the straw bolster right there on the spot, in their righteous anger and as an example to the women of the mighty power and justice of the law, and dragged the man off to jail of course. But they wasn't satisfied with that, they wanted to make an example of him. The man he rapined came out boldly and said he ort to be masicreed right there in the streets. Says he, " What is the nation comin' to, if thieves and robbers haint made public patterns and examplers of? " An old man in a blue soldier overcoat who was tryin' to get trusted for some plug tobacco said to the grocer man " He ort to be guletined." But the grocer didn't know what that meant; he thought the old man was kinder praisin' him up, so he acted mad and wouldn't trust him. But the one that seemed to talk the biggest about it was P. Cypher Bumpus. Bein' a lawyer by trade, he has got well acquainted with some uncommon big words, and he naturally loves to let folks see on what familiar terms he is with 'em. He uses 'em like a master workman, He didn't IV ARIIJLLSRI ,#/ "lb -'Q / /1" // ALL ROBBERS NOT THIEVES. 133 gesture a mite; they say he wont on common occasions. I'd give a cent though if he had been willin' to, for I s'pose it is a sight worth goin' miles to see. But he used words more'n three inches long, and I don't know but some would have come nigh onto four inches in length, a goin' on about this rapine. " Yes," says Cornelius Cork takin' aim at us with his forefinger as if we was rabbits eatin' his early cabbages. "Stealin' is sunthin' that Jonesville and the nation cannot and will not, put up with. And such villains and robbers will find out that we wont; fur frummit." " He ort to be gulentined," says the old man again. "( Ort to have his head chopped right off with an axe." They all looked favorably at the old man now, and the grocer man trusted him right on the spot for a plug of tobacco. Josiah come in jest then with the World in his hand, and he turned to Cornelius Cork, and says he. " I see by the World to-day, there has been another case of public stealin', another hundred and fifty thousand stole from us out of the public treasury " "( Yes," said Cornelius Cork in a mild gentle tone " A little case of fraud, that is all." " Merely a deficit in accounts," says the grocer man who was rapined,in a 'poligy tone. " Only a triflin' defalcation from the revenue," says the old man, bitin' off another chew of his tobacco with a serene countenance. 134 NEW NAMES FOR CRIME. "Nothin' to speak of," says P Cypher Bumpus. "Nothin' worth mentionin', a triflin' abstraction, a diminution, a withdrawal of funds, a cmblezzlement." Oh1, what feelin's I felt to hear 'em go on; but I didn't say a word to 'em, I don't believe in a woman bein' bold and forred in her demeanor But to see every one on 'em givin' that stealin' a bigger and a bigger name, swellin' and puffin' it out from fraud clear up to embezzlement, and no knowin' where they would stop, if somebody didn't interfere. I declare for't, it give me such feelin's that I spoke right out to Josiah, aniid my tones sounded low and awful, for I heerd 'em unbeknown to me. Says I, " Josiah Allen, what feelin's it makes me feel to see folks strain so, and hang back from eatin' a gnat, and then swaller a elephant and a rinosterrons and a drumedary " Says I, " Vhen a poor manl in the case of sickness steals a onion and a codfish, he is called a thief and a robber, lie is drummed out of camp, sent to jail, knocked down by public opinion, and kicked after lie is down by the same, till lie is completely mortified, and shame and disgrace bow his forward down into the dust. But let a rich mian steal all lie can lay his hands to, and they think it is sunthin' pretty in him, so pretty that they make a new name for it, and he wears that name like a feather ini lis cap. If lie breaks down a purpose to cheat his creditors, they call it 'compromisin' ' repudiation,' both of these name stand up like beautiful AN "EPOCK " POEM. 135 feathers over his forward, and he looks grand and feels so. If lie lays to and steals right out openly hundreds of thousands of dollars they have lots of curious and handsome -imLnes to ornament him with, all the way from defalcator and deficitor up to embezzler, Why, if some politician should steal the lhull United States treasury, they would lave to make a new set of names to trim him off with, there wouldn't be none in the dictionary half big and noble enough." I follered my pardner almost mekanically out of the store. What they said to my back after I left, I know not. But we must all expect to be backbited some, else why do we have backs. In about seven minutes time we was seated in front of the Jonesville Creation Searchers, a listenin' to a epicac poem from Shakespeare Bobbet-or that is hlow Josiah understood it; I myself thought they called it a epock poem; but Josiah said when we was a talkin' it over a goin' home, that he would bet the colt it was a epicac. Says he, " You know epicac means sunthin' kinder weakenirn', and sickenin', and tlat is why such poems as hisen are called epicacs." "Well," says I, "seein' we haint eitlier of us certain, we wont lay out too much breath arguin' about it. But this I know, that the poetry was as long and dreary as the desert of Sarahl, and as dry as Sarah ever was ini her dryest times." It happened dretful kinder curious, but the question 136 ABOUT THE "SENT.TEN-L.4" up that lighllt before the Creation Searchers was about Kleptomania- another big name for stealin' that I never heerd before-and they proved it out so beautiful, how Kleptomania worked in the system, and how anybody couldn't help stealin' who hiad the distemper. After they settled this to their own satisfaction, and the enlighltenment of the world, the President got up and in a awful tlirillin' and imnpressive ma nner,-and usein hIis gcesture as handy as I ever see a gesture used -went on and talked in a foamin' manner about the Sentinall that was goin' to be at Filadelfy village to celebrate old Eplhribus'es birtliday, and lie went on for probabl-e half an hour about its uncommon and amazin' bit-mess and he said when all the rest of the celebrnated mien of Amnerica and the world was to be there, it didn't look well for them to hang back, and shirk out of goin', and lie motioned that the Creation Searchin' Society should send a body there, to encouracre the Sentinal, and collect information as a body, and lie went on to say that if they concluded to send a body there, they wvould proceed to vote on who 81101sod be the body, and bow many it should be. Solomon Cyplier got tip and saidl the nanie told on the face of it sent-ten-al. Ile said the doin's 1s named with the view that there would be ten sent there from thie Jonesville Creation Scarchin' Society The minute he sot down, Simon Slimpsey got upl lookiin' as if lie would sink. riglit down through the floor into the suller. I'd seen that Bctsey, his wife BETSEY PROPOSES A POEM. 137 had been a hunchiun' and pokin' him, tryin' to make him git up, and whisperin' to him in a loud angry whisper And says he in a heart broken tone " If it will add any to the gloom and melancholy "-here Betsey give such a jerk at his coat skirts that he crumpled right down for a minute, and his tone was skairt as he went on-" and highlarity of Filadelfy to have a poem sent by Betsey, I can carry it, I s'pose." And he sunk down a murmurin': "I may live through it, and I may not." And he almost buried his face in his right hand, and I think shed tears. It come hard on Simon. But Solomon Cypher's face looked dark and severe, and he rose up and smote himself powerful and frequent as he said: " For the time bein' I represent the body And speakin' in the name of the body which I now am, I say, that we, the body cannot, and will not be trammeled and bound down by either poetry, or bedquilts." (Two wimmen jest in front of him was a whisperin' loud; rampant to send a blazin' star and a sunflower ) " The body has got a great reputation to keep up, the eye or eyes of the different globes assembled there will be on it, watchin' the demeanor of the body and copyin' after it. A great reputation is to be kep' up." Here he made a low bow and set down. And Shakespeare Bobbet, Secretary of the Creation Searchers, got up, and said as it was doubtless the aim 6 138 SPECTACLES FOR THE "CCREATIO14 SEARCHERS.01 of all present to make as great a stir as posisible in the literary and scientific world, and as they werc all a workin' for that end, and as there was now nine sbilI jugs and six penice in the treasury, lie proposed those moneys should be expended ini purchasingr spectacles for the body to wear on the body. The Editor of the Augrer jumped up and seconded the motion, sayin' lie hiadn't a doubt about its increasin' its relutation for deep and scientific wvisdom. And he thoug-ht large round eyes would be best adapted to Inivin' the body a wise ]ook, and thait heavy brass bows would hielp to give weiglht to its opinions. They all agrreed on this and the motion was carried in triumphiant. Then one feller who had been round to literar'y conventions a gcood deal and had got hiighi notions in his head, proposed that the body should let their hair grow long in their necks; he said it wonld be a great hielp to 'eni. Put as the Presckent, and Solomon Cypher and the most of the head ones was as bald as a bacld eagle-hiadn't hardly a mite of hair to their heads-thie motion was htid down under the tablle; and they began to vote on who was to be sent. They voted in Cornelius Cork, and Solomon Cypher, and the Editor of the Auger, and Shlakespeare Bobbet and several others,kiand everything seemed peaceful and happy-Solomon Cy14ieu' couutin' 'em serenely out of his hat-when all of -a sudden without no warnin' he jumped up,:-nd brandished a vote in his hand, and yelled out ini a voice a good deal like thunder: JOSIAH CAUSES AN EXCITEMENT. 139 "Who! where is the villain who has dared to demean this society and put it to shame by votiin for a woman? Where is the wretch and the demealner?" And he looked as black and wrathful as an iron musket, and he struck himself in the breast powerful blows, and with every smite he would call out for "that villain and demeaner" It was a fearful time; but right when the excitement was rainin' most fearfully, I felt a motion by the side of me, and my companion got up and stood on his feet and says in pretty firm tones, though some sheepish: "I did, and there's where I stand now; I vote for Samantha." And then he sot down again. Oh! the fearful excitement and confusion that rained down again. The President got up and tried to speak, the Editor of the Auger talked wildly, Shakespeare Bobbet talked to himself incoherently, but Solomon Cypher's voice drownded 'em all out, as he kep' a smitin' his breast and a hollerin' that he wasn't goin' to be infringed upon, or come in contract witl by no woman! No female woman needn't think she was the equal of man, and I should go as a woman or stay to lhome. I was so almost wore out by their talk that I spoke right out, and says I, " Good land! how did you s'posd I was a goin' l The President then said that he meant, if I went I musn't look upon thiings with the eye of a " Creation Searcher" and a man, (lere he pinted his forefinger 140 4 "WILL YOUJ 0O AS P I.?" rigF~ht ul) in the air and waved it round in a real free and soarir' way,) but looli at things with the eye of a Private Investigator and a woman; (here lie pinted his finger firm and stiddy righrlt down into the wood-box, and a pan of asles,) it was impressive, very Then he went on to ask e1, if I wvas willin' to go as a woman, and with wliat eyes I was willin' to look at things. I hop' on a knittimi' with consideralble calm, and assured 'em with qtiite a lot of dignity, that bein' a woman, I should most probable go as one, and not bein' blind, I sliould look at things with my own eyes. "But will you promise to look upon thinigs in a private way, not as a man and a 'Creation Searcher?' Will you go as Josiahl Allen's wife, P I., which means Private Investigator?" I declare, their talk was enough to wear out a snipe; and as I sot there hearin''em go on, big, lofty idees and hiefty aspirations began to tackle mne. Truly the fires of persecutions are always fruitful of great idees; anid while the storms of opposition, and Cornelius Cork and Solomon Cypher and etcetery was a raviii' round me, I see a mission a loomin' up in front of me, like a war-horse a waitiri' for ine to mount and ride off to victory promiscous. And I spoke out in a noble tone, and says 1'- "No! I will not go as a P I., I will go as a P. A.;" and I continuedI in still tiinner axentB, "I am not one of the whifflin' ones of earth, my mind is firm and stabled, and my principles are high and foundered on a rock; if I go__at all I shall go as GOES AS P. A. AND P, I. 141 Josiah Allen's wife, P A., which means Promiscous Advisor, in the cause of Right." But Josiah whiispered to me, and says lie " Let 'em put on the P. I., Samantha; it has a sort of a good sound; go as a P. A. and a P I." And finally, after givin' it a half a moment's thought, and ineditatin' it wasn't nothin' ag'inst my principles, and would please my companion, I consented to go as Josiah Allen's wife, P. A. and P I., which bein' translated from the original means, Promiscous Advisor, and Private Investigator. And bein' dretfully worked up by more than a dozen different emotions, and almost by the side of myself with principles and everything-without mistrustin' what I was a doin'-I riz right up and stood on my feet, and spoke right out about my mission; wavin' my knittin' work almost eloquently. Says I: " When childern was a bein' brung up, and mortgages was abroad, my place was to home, and.to home I stayed. But when liberated from these cumberin' cares, and mortgages was flown and childern growed up, my mind was a mind that couldn't be curbed in, when great questions was before the world deep conundrums that has puzzled the ages waitin' for an answer, and them answers to be worked out by individual men and wimmen, by the sweat of their brows and the might of their shoulder-blades, says I. My mind was one that worked nobly for the good of the human race, and women; and on that great and lofty 12 SAMANTHA'S ACCEPTANCE. mission it took a tower. And now it is a mind that can't be held in and hitched to the fence that cowards set acrost, while the conflict is a ragin' on every side of 'em. The battle-field where Right opposes Wrong is a.broad one, as broad as the hull world, and in every great warfare of principle there has been martyrs, from St. Stephen-whose body was stunned to death while heaven's glory was a shinin' out of his soulto old John Brown who died faithful to that eternal spirit of justice, that old Error never could stand." Says I,-" Old Mr. Brown was none the less a martyr because he fell in our day, and has not been cannonized by the hand of old Time;" says I, " that same old warfare of Justice with Injustice, Freedom with Oppression, and True Religion with Bigotry, is a goin' on now, and the spirit of Martyrdom is strong in me. Gladly would I lead on the hull army of the Right triumphant into victory, even if I fell in the conflict, and was drownded in my own goar But such a crown of honor is reserved for a nobler and niebby a higher forward, but not a more well-wisher to the cause. And if I can't head a army, and lead the vanguard on to glory and to victory, I can tussle with the little guerillas of wrong, that are let loose in society; I can grapple with the solitary pickets that Error sends out ahead of his army to see how the land lays, and if the enemy is asleep on a post. I can lay iolt of his spies that are hid under the ambush of fashion and custom," THE MATTER SETTLED. 143 "Any Advisor is a martyr more or less, for when was advice not scorned and rejected of men and wimmen? In my mission of Promiscous Advisor, I sllall go forth, expectin' to tread on the hot coals of public opinion; be briled on the grid-iron old bigotry keeps to brile her enemies on; be scalded by the melted lead of old custom, and be burnt up on the stake of opposition." Says I-wipin' my heated forward-" I am happy in the thought. "And I am ready to set forth to-night, or to-morrow, or next summer, not harnessed up in the splendid trappin's of a Major-General, but in tihe modest mean of a humble militia officer, earnest and sincere, and therefore feelin' as muchl self-respect, as if I was Coinmander-in-Chief over the hull caboodle. I can go," says I--wavin' my knittin'-work outward witlh as noble a wave as I ever see waved-" I can go fortl with Josiah by my side a conqueror and to conquer " And then I sot down, for principle had tuckered nme almost completely out, and while they was a votin' on who else was to be the body, Josiah and I started for home. There was a contented look to his face, as he started off, finally he spoke out in gentle axents: " I am glad we are goin' to git home in such good season, Samantha. I guess we will hang over the kettle, and have a little bite of sunthin' to eat; I didn't eat much supper." HOW I WENT TO 'LECTION. I WAS a makin' Josiah some cotton flannel shirts, and I lacked enough for the gussets and one shoulder band. I had also run out of shirt buttons; and I was a tellin' the Widder Doodle in the forenoon, that I couldn't work another stitch on 'em till I had been to Jonesville. And she said, speakin' of cotton flannel, made her think of Doodle. She took in work-hetchelled tow for a woman-and bought some cotton flannel to make him some shirts; and when she got'em all done, they didn't set exactly right somehow, kinder wrinkled in the back a little, and she had to take 'em all to pieces and make 'em over, and Mr Doodle would set and read the Evenin' Grippher to her, and smile at her so sweet when she was a rippin' of 'em up. She said, nobody knew but jest her, how much that man worshipped her. Says she, "I can't never forget his linement, and I can't never marry again and there needn't nobody ask me 144 HOW WOMEN CAN GO TO 'LECTION. 145 to, for no linement cani ever look to me like Mi )Doodle'ses linement." Says I, " Don't take on so sister D)oodle, lie's most probable in a land where he'll have justice (lone to him." Josiah looked 1up fromo tie Toordl, and lsay s he "I am goin' to Jonesville to 'lection NiIIe.by, Saantliha, you'd better ride down, fnd (et tIhe stiff for my shirts." Says he, " The Town Hall, as 'you know, is beiii' fixed, and the pole is sot up right ill the store. It will be handy, and you can g j2.st as well as not." But I looked miny companion iii thle face with a icy, curious mean, and says I in low, strange tones "Wouldn't it be revoltin' to the finer feelin's of your sole, to see a tender woman, your compinanion, a erowdim' and elboin' he r way amongst tile rude thlirong of miien surroundin' the pole, to have her hear the immodest and almost dangerous langcuage, the oaths and swearin', to see her a plungin' down in the vortex of political warfare, and the arena of corruption? " Says I, " How is the shrinkin' modlestv and delicacy of miny sect a goin' to stand firm a jostlin' its way amongst the rude masses, and you there to see it?" Says I, " Aint it a goin' to be awful revoltin' to you, Josiah Allen? " "Oh no!" says he in calirn gentle axents, " not if you was a goin' for shirt buttons." " Oh!" says I almost wildly, " a woman can plunge 6* 14:6 HOW DOODLE LOVED HIS WIFE. up head first ag'iist the pole, and be unharmed if she is in search of cotton flannel; she can pursue shirt buttons into the very vortex of political life, into the pool of corruption, and the mirey clay, and come out white as snow, and modest as a lilly of the valley But let her step in them very tracks, a follerin' liberty and freedom, and justice, and right, and truth and temperance, and she comes out black as a coal." And says I in a almost rapped way, liftin' up my eyes to the ceelin' " Why are these things so?" " Yes," says the Widder Doodle, that is jest what Mr. Doodle used to say He said it would make a woman's reputation black as a coal, would spile her modesty entirely to go to the pole, and be too wearin' on her Says lie, " Dolly it would spile you, and I would rather give my best cow than to see you spilte." Poor Mr Doodle! there was a heavy mortgage on old Lineback then-it was a cow I brought to him when we was married, and Mr Doodle was obleeged to mortgage her to git his tobacco tlhrough the winter; it was foreclosed in the spring, and had to go, but his speakin' as he did, and bein' so willin' to give up my cow, showed jest how much he thought of me. Oh! he almost worshipped me, Mr. Doodle did." Jest at that very minute, Josiah laid down the World, and says he: "I am a goin to hitch up the old mare, Samantha. I guess you had better go, for I am a sufferin for them shirts; my old ones are a gettin' so thin; I am cold as a frog." SUSPICIOUS ACTIONS OF JOSIAH. 147 I braided my hair and done it up, and then I made a good cup of coffee, and brought out a cherry pie, and some bread, and butter, and cheese, and cold meat. We all eat a little, and then sister Doodle bein' anxious about the shirts, and dretful tickled about my goin', offered to wash up the dishes. Josiah said we'd got to stop to the barn for the buffalo skin; he come out with it all rolled up in a curious way, and 1 see there was a middlin' sized bundle in it, that he slipped under the seat. He seemed so anxious for me not to see it that I never let on that I did, but I kep' my eye on it. I didn't like the looks of things, Josiah acted strange, but he acted dretful affectionate towards me. But all the while I was on mv tower towards 'lection-and the old mare went slow, all the time-though my face was calm, my mind was worked up and agitated and felt strange, and I kep' s'posen things. I said to myself, here I be started for 'lection, my companion settin' by my side, affection on his face, sweetness and peace throned onto his eyebrow, and at home is a Widder Doodle a helpin' me off to 'lection. Everything is peace and harmony and gay, because I am a goin' to 'lection after buttons and gussets for men's shirts. And then I'd s'pose t'other way; s'posen I was a settin' off with my mind all boyed up with enthusiasm in the cause of Right, a earnest tryin' to do my full duty to God and man, pledgin' my life and sacred honor to help the good cause forred and put my shoulder 148 WANTINU TO KEEP ON THE SAFE SIDE. blades to the wheel; s'posen I was on my way to vote, -and it wouldn't take me half so long as it would to pick out the shirt buttons, and things-my Josiah's face would look black as a thunder cloud, anger and gloom would be throned on his eyebrow, his mean would be fierce and warlike; I should be an outcast from Isrcal, and sister Doodle wouldn't have washed a dish. And so I kep' s'posen things till we got clear to the store door and Josiah went to help me out; and then thinkin' what my companion had warned me about so many times-about how dangerous and awful it was for wimmen to go near the pole-I says to him, in middlin' quiet tones: "Josiah I guess I'll set in the buggy till you hitch the old mare, and then you can go in with me, so's to kinder keep between me and the pole." But he says in excited tones "Oh shaw! Samantha; what fools wimmen can be, when they set out to! Who do you s'pose is a goin' to hurt you? Do you s'pose Elder Minkley is a goil' to burgle you, or old Bobbet asalt and batter you? There haint a man there but what you have been to meetin' witli. You wasn't afraid last Sunday was you? Go in and get your buttons and things, so's to be ready by the time I am for once,-wimmen are always so slow " I didn't argue with him, I only said in cold tones. "I wanted to be on the safe side, Josiah." IbaHosg gRvigor I BEFORE THE POLE. 151 But oh! how I kep' s'posen things, as he lifted me out right in front of the pole, and left me there alone. Josiah had business on his mind and it made him more worrysome; but I didn't know what it was till afterwards. As I was a goin' up the store steps I kinder looked back, and I see him take that bundle out of the wagon in a dretful sly way, and kinder meach off with it. I didn't like the looks of things; he acted guilty, strange, and curious. As I went into the store, I see sister Minkley up to the counter by the front winder, and I was glad to see her. The store was a big one and quite a lot of men was goin' up and votin' But good land! there wasn't nothin' frightful about it, I've seen three times as many men together, time and again. I wasn't skairt a mite, nor sister Minkley wasn't nuther. Two men was a swearin', some, as I went in, but we heerd 'em swear as hard again 4th of July's and common days; but the minute they catched sight of sister Minkley and me, they stopped off right in the middle of a swear, and looked as mild as protracted meetin's, and took up some sticks and went to whittlin' as peaceable as two sheeps. Sister Minkley said she shouldn't thought she could have come out that day, she had such a cold in her head, if her husband hadn't urged her so, to come on his business. His heart seemed to be so sot on Kentucky Jane -" " Jane who?" says I in awful axents, for I couldn't 152 UNFOUNDED SUSPICIONS. hardly believe my ears-my faith in that man's morals was so high, it was like a steeple to my soul, and always had been ever sense I had known him-and I thought to myself if I have got to give up Elder Wesley Minkley, if his morals liave got to totterin' and swayin' to and fro, a tottlin' off after Janes and other wimmen, and if he is mean enough to send his wife off after 'em, I declare for't I don't know but I shall mistrust my Josialh. I know I looked wild and glarin' out of my eyes, and horror was on my mean, as I asked her again in still more stern tones: "Jane who? " For I was determined to get to the bottom of the affair, and if worst come to worst, to lay it before the meetin' house myself, and have it stopped, and hushed up, before it got out amongst the world's people, to bring a shame onto the meetin' house, and them that belonged to it. And then as a woman that had a vow on her in the cause of Right, I felt it my duty to look out for Jane, and if there was any.hopes of reformin' her, to befriend her And so I says in tones that would be replied to: " Jane who?9" " Why Kentucky Jane for overhauls, he thought my judgment on Janes was better than hisen." "Oh!" says I in dretful relieved tones, for my heart would have sung for joy if it had understood the notes, it was that joyful, and thankful. Says I, " They have got a piece here that wears like iron, Josiah has got a frock offen it." THE EDITOR'S WIFE. 153 Well, we stood there by the counter, a feelin' of Jane, and tryin' the thickness and color of it, and talkin' together-as wimmen will-when who should come in but the Editor of the Auger'ses wife. She is a woman that is liked better on further acquaintance. She is thought a sight on in Jonesville; more'n her husband is, ten times over She's had two pair of twins sense she was married; I never see such a hand for twins as the Editor is. Ile's had three pair and a half sense I knew him. Well, as I was a sayin', she came in, and called for some cigars. She told us he sent her to git 'em, the two biggest twins bein' to school, and there bein' nobody to come only jest him or her She had walked afoot, and looked tired enough to sink, they lived about a mile and a half out of the village. She said the Editor could not come himself for he was writin' a long article on " The Imprudence, Impurity, and Impiety of Woman's Appearance at the Pole." She said, he said he was goin' to make a great effort; he was goin' to present the indecency and immorality of woman's goin' to 'lection, in such a masterly way that it would set the matter to rest forever It was for to-morrow's paper, and bein' obleeged to use up so much brain, as he had to in the effort, he felt he must have some cigars, and a codfish, you know fish is dretful nourishin' to the mind, and lie is fond of it; he old her to get thle biggest codfish she could get, and bile it up. And she was goin' to. 154 NOURISHMENT FOR THE MIND. I didn't say much in reply to her, truly, as the poet says, " The least said is the soonest mended." I only told her in a kind of a blind way, that if codfish was good for common sense, not to stent him on it. BRAIN FOOD. And jest then the store-keeper came back from down suller with the fish. " Good land!" says I the minute I laid eyes on it; "haint you made a mistake? " " What mistake? " says he. Says I, " Haint it a whale I" "Oh no," says he, "it is a codfish; but it is a pretty sizeable one." " I should think as much," says I. For as true as I WORRYIN' ABOUT JOSIAH.1 155 live, when the Editor of the Auger'ses wife laid it over her arm, it touched thie floor hecad and tail; Cand it made her fairly lean over it was so heavy And I thought to inyself that I could have tackled the biggest political question of the day, easier tha-In I could tackle that whale, and carry it a mile and a hialf. And so the Editor of the Anger'ses wife wvent homne, froir 'lection, luggin' a whale, and walkin' afoot. I picked out my buttons, five cents a dozen, and bought my cotton flannel, and no, Josiah. I felt worried in my mind. I thought of that mjysterious bundle, and my companion's strange Cand curioltib looks as lie brought it out from the barn, seeiniiii'ly unbeknown to me, and his dretful curious actions about it as he meached out of the bugny with it. And I felt worried, and almost by the side of myself. Put I kep' a cool demeanor on the outside of inc-it is my way in the time of trouble to be calm, and put mny best foot forred. Jest then a man come up to inc that I never laid eyes on before. He was a poor lookin' shack, his eyes was white mostly, and stood, out of his head as if in search for some of the sense he never could git holt of, and his mouth was about half open. A dretfiui shiftless lookin' critter, and ragged as a Jew-all but his coat, and I'll be hanged if that didn't look worse than if his clothes was all of a piece. It wa3 a blue broadcloth coat, swaller tailed, and had been a dretful genteel coat in the day of it-which I should 156 A SEEKER AFTER KNOWLEDGE. judge was some fifty or sixty years previous to date. It was awful long waisted, and small round, and what they call-single breasted; it turned back at the breast in a low, genteel way, over his old ragged vest; and ragged, red woolen i, i shirt, and pinched ___himn in at the bot/, tomn of his waist /. "/ ~like a pismire, and / ii the tails floated "d down behind, so /1: polite over his pan2la taloons, which was 46,,,fairly rags and tat/ ters. As I said, I never laid eyes on him before, and;- _^ still as he come up, and stood before. me, I felt a curious, THE STRANGER. and strange feelin' go most through me; sunthin' in the arrer way. A curiouser more familiar-like, strange feelin', I never felt. But I didn't know then what it meant, I was in the dark. But more of this, anon, and hereafter Says the man, says he; "I beg your parding moni, for speaking to you, but you have got such a dretful good look to your face, somehow-," (Truly as I have %a4d prior, and before this, my trials with the Widder AN HONEST VOTER. 157 Doodle, my martyrdom on the stake of Doodle and particulars, borne like a martyr, have purified my mean and make me look first-rate.) Says the man, says he. a You look so good, somehow, that I want to ask your advice." Says I kindly, "I am a Promiscous Advisor by trade, advisin' is my mission and my theme. Ask me any advice my honest man, that you feel called to ask, and I will proceed to preform about my mission." He handed me a ticket, with a awful dirty hand, every finger nail of which was seemin'ly in the deepest of mournin' for the pen-knife and nail-brushes they never had seen, and says he, '"Will you tell me mom, whether that ticket is a democrat ticket, or the t'other one? " I put on my specks, and says I, "It is the t'other one." " Good Gracious!" says he; " Christopher Columbus! Pocahontas! Jim Crow and Jehosiphat!" says he. But I interrupted of him coldly, and says I: "6 Stop swearin', instantly and this minute; and if you want my advice, proceed, and go on." Says he, " There I have voted that ticket seventeen times, and I was paid to vote the democrat." Says he, " I am a man of my word, I am a poor man but a honest one. And here I have,"-says he in a mournful tone-"here I have voted the wrong ticket seventeen times." Says he in a hitter tone, " I had ruther have give half a cent than to had this happen." 1588 TH[E SECRET OUT, Says he, "1 am a poor man, I haint no capita] to live on, and have got to depend on my hionesty and principles for a livin'. And if this gets out, I amn a ruined iian;" says he in awful bittcr' tones, " what would the man that hired mne say, if hi should bear of it?" " What did hie give you? " says I, and as I said this, that strange, curious feelin' camne over nie again, as strang'e a feelin' as I ever felt. Says he, " Ile give me this coat." Then I knew it all. Then the cast-iron entered my sole, the arrer that had been a diggin' into mie, unbeknown to inc as it was, went clear through me, and come out on the other side, (the side furtherest from, sister Milnkley) Then I knew the meanin' of the strange feelin' I had felt. it was Father Allen's coat -one that had fell to Josiahi. Then I knew the meanIn' of my companion's mysterious demeanor, as he bore the bundle from the barn. His plottin's the wveek before, and his drawin's onto my sympathy, to keep me from puttin' it into the carpet rags, when 1 was fairly suff'erin for blue in the fancy stripe, and refrained from takin' it, because he said it would hurt his feelin's so. Oh the fearful agony of that half a moment. What a storm was a ragin' on the inside of my mind. But with a almost terrible effort, I controlled myself, and kep' considerable calm on the outside. Truly, everybody has their own private collection of skeletons; but that haint no sign they ehould go abr'oad in public a rattlin' their bones; it AN HONEST FAMILY 159 don't help the skeletons any nor their owners, and it haint nothin' highlarious and happyfyin' to the public. I hadn't no idee of lettin' sister Minkley into the clothes-press where my skeletons hung, knowin' that she probable had a private assortment of her own skeletons, tlat she could look at unbeknown to me. "Whlat made you vote the wrong ticket? " Says I, " can't you read?" "No," says he, "we can't none of us read, my father, nor my brothers; there is nine of us in all. My father and mother was first cousins," says he in a confidential tone; "and the rest of my brothers don't know only jest enough to keep out of the fire. I am the only smart one in the family. But," says he, " my brothers will all do jest as father and I tell 'ein to, and they will all vote a good many times a day, every 'lection; and we are all willin' to do the fair thing and vote for the one that will pay us the most. But not knowin' how to read, we git cheated," says he with tlat bitter look, " there is so much corruption in politics now-a-days." "I should think as much," says I. And almost overcome by my emotions, I spoke my mind out loud. " There couldn't be much worse goin's on, anyway, if wimmen voted." "Wimmen vote!" says he in a awful scornful tone. " W'immen! " " Then you don't believe in their votin'," says I mekanically (as it were) for T was naitnted, very. 100 ~ ~BROTHER MINXiLEY CONCUR8. "No I don't," says he, in a bold, hauty tone. "Wiminen don't know enougn to vote." I wouldn't contend with him, and to tell the truth, though I haint hauty, and never was called so, I was fairly ashiamed to be catched talkin' with him, he looked so low and worthless. And 1 was glad enough that that very miinute brother Wesley Mipxkley came up a holdin' out his hand, and says lie " flow do you do sister Allen, seems to me yon look some cast down. IHow do you feel in your mind today, sister Allen? " Bein' very trnthful, I was jest a goin' to tell hiim that I felt considerable strange. But I was glad inideed that lie forgot to wait for my answer, but went on1, and says lie: "I heard the words the poor iman uttered as I drew near, and I must say that althoughi lie had the outward appearance of beir' a shack-an idiotic shiftless shlack, as you may say,-still lie uttered my sentimerits. We will wave the subject, however, of wimmen's incapacity to vote." Elder Minkley is a perfect gentleman at heart, and he wouldn't for anything, tell me right out to my face that I didn't know enough to vote. I too am very ladYvlike whien 1 set out, and I wasn't goin' to be outdone by him, so I told him in a genteel tone, that I slrould think lie would want to wave off the subject, after perusin' such a specimen of male sufferage as had jest disappeared from our vision. SENATOR VYPSE. 161 "Yes," says Elder Minkley mildly, and in a gentlemanly way, "1we will wave it off. But Senator Vyse was a sayin' to me jest now-he has come in to vote, and we got to talkin', the Senator and I did, about wimmlen's votin'; and he is bitter agr'irist it. And I believe jest as the Senator does, that woman's sufferage would introduce an element into politics, that would tottle it down from the foundation of justice and purity, on which it now firmly rests. I didn't say a word, but oh! whiat a strange agritated feelin' I felt, to hiear brother Minkley go on-ftr that very Senator Vyse lie wvas a talkin' albout, is a disgrrace to Jonesville and the world. A meaner, licentiouser man never trod shoe leather. Lie lives two or three miles out of Jonesville, in a awful big, nice place; looks like a castle; he has troops of servants, and a colored nigger to drive his horses, and is considered a bigy-bug. And truly, if meanness makes a man feel big lie has reason enough to feel. I niever could bear the sight on himi, thougrh he is called handsome, and has dretful fascinatiii' ways. Dciii' so awvful rich (he owns township after township, and heaps of money) lie is made as much of as if lie was made of pure gold from head to feet. But he'll never git mne nor Josiah to make of him, Josiah's morals are as sound as brass. But brother Miuikley went on a talkin', and oh! how I went on a thinkin'. "1Senator Vyse says, that the nation would be so madded to have wimmen try 162 HONORS. to vote, that it would rise up to a man, to defend the purity of the pole. Ah! here comes the Senator to vote; look quick, Alzina Ann I stand up close to me, and I'll try to introduce you." Oh!l how reverentially, and awe-struck everybody in the store looked at the Senator as he came a sailin' in, a lookin' as big and hauty as if he owned Jonesville and the hull world. I believe they would have strewed palm leaves in his way, if they had any palms by 'en. Ie stopped a minute to speak to brother Minkley and the Elder introduced his wife to him, with an air as if he was a settlein' a dowery on her, that would make her rich for life. And sister Minkley looked on to him as awe-stricken, and admirin'ly, as if he was a entire menagery of new and curious animals. and she beholdin' 'em for the first time on a free ticket. And when he reached out his hand to shake hands with her, she acted perfectly overcome with joy. Then brother Minkley introduced the Senator to me, with considerable the mean as if he was makin' me a present of a nice house and lot, all paid for. But when that Senator reached out his hand to shake hands with Josiah Allen's wife, tlhat woman, nerved completely up with principle, jest looked at him with a stiddy lofty mean, and gripped holt of her brown alpaca overskirt, and never touched his hand. I wouldn't. It was white and delicate, and a great seal ring set with diamonds glittered on it, but it was stained with crimes blacker than murder, enough A REBUKE. 165 sight; I had jest as lives laid holt of a pisen serpent. I am naturally well bred, and polite in my demeanor, and the politest way is generally the quietest way; so ruther than make a fuss, I bowed my head a very little, mebby half or three quarters of a inch. But oh! what a majestic look there was on my eyebrow; what a terrible rebukin' expression curved my nostrils; what a firmness, and a icyness there sot throned on my upper lip. He felt it. His handsome false face turned red as blood, as I calmly replied to brother Minkley's last words. Says I: " I agree with you brother Minkley in what you said. I think it would be a first-rate plan to keep impure people from the pole, male or female. It would be apt to thin the voters out considerable, it would be apt to make it considerable lonesome for the pole. But howsumever, I should approve of it highly and so would Josiah." Truly, if the coat fits anybody, let 'em put it on freely, without money and without price. Senator Vysc felt what I said deeply, I know he did, for I'll be hanged if I ever see Josiah's face look any meachener in his meachinest times. I then coolly turned my back to 'em and looked out of the winder; and the Senator and brother Minkley went up towards the pole together, for the Elder seemed to think it would be a perfect treat to see such a big man vote. And sister Minkley followed him with her eyes, as admirin'ly as if he was a hull circus, side show and all. 11 166 "REST FOR THE WEARY." When Senator Vyse and Brother Minkley moved off toward the pole, Sister Minkley and I was left alone. We was in a little corner by the winder, fenced in by a high counter and still more deeply secluded by a lofty and almost precipitous pile of rag carpetin', that towered up on the nigh side of us. On the off side as I said was the counter My body stood there a lookin' out of the winder, but my mind was nearly lost in thought, a wanderin' off into a complete wilderness of strange and conflictin' idees; little underbrushes of puzzlin' contradictions, runnin' every which way, and hedgin' my mind almost completely up, when it tried to soar off free and noble; great high trees of the world's curious beliefs, and practices, and proceedin's, castin' a shadder black as night down on the ever green mosses beneath 'em all. Sometimes my tuckered out mind would git half a minute's rest, reclinin' as you may say, on them mosses, that with tender, faithful fingers, touch with the same repose, the ruins of castle and hovel, that are ever green in sunshine and in shade; that quietly, silently--never hastin', never restin', never tirin'-make a soft piller for all tired heads alike, the lofty, and the lowly. Sometimes, as I say, I would rest half a moment in the thought of that tender Mercy and Compassion. And little wild flowers of sweet thoughts and consolations, would kinder peep up at me, and hopes, and prophecies of AN ILLUSTRAPION. 167 truth and justice would shine out like glorious stars; and I'd git perhaps for three quarters of a moment or so, all lit up and a feelin' awful well. Then my mind would soar off again, considerable of a ways, and some of them runnin' vines of curious idees and customs, that was a tanglin' up the tree tops, would trip it up, and down it would come again-all the harder from fallin' from such a height. Good land! what a hard time it was a havin' All of a sudden sister Minkley spoke up, for she too, it seems, had been a lookin' out of the winder, entirely unbeknown to me. Says she, "I believe jest as Wesley and Senator "Vyse does. Look at that creeter across the street. What would become of the nation if such things was permitted to vote?" And she pinted with her gingham umberell across the street to a girl that was sometimes in Jonesville, and sometimes in the city A girl, that every time I looked at her, made my cheeks blush with shame for her, and my eyes brim over with tears for her I don't believe there was ever a dry eye in my head when I looked at that girl, because I had heerd her story, the hull thing, from one that knew And that was one very great reason, why I turned my b:~ck to Senator Vyse, and wouldn't touch his hand; the mean, contemptible, creeter. This very girl when she was a child, was left to his 168 THE ORPHAN GIRL. care by her dyin' mother and she grew lp as pretty as a half blown rose bud, and jest as iiinocent, anx orphan, unbekuowin' to the world, its glory, and its wickedness. And lie learnt it all to her, all its ~ glory, and all its wickedness; for shie ( L thoughit, innocent Syoung Iamb, thiat a new world of lighit and glory had swung down froin lieaven a purpose for lifi and her, in them days when lie ransacked heaven YOUNG WOMANHOOD. and earth to tind tender ways and tender words enouigh to tell his love for her, Iiis admniration for her beauty, hter brightness, her-grace, her sweet confidii' innocence. And so he lheld her heart, her life in his hands, and she would have been thankful to have laid thein down for the handsome villain, if lie had told lier to. And holditi' lier hieart as he did, he broke it. Iloldin' her life as lie did, hie ruined it. By every hellish art that could be called to aid him, he deliberately committed this sin. Brought her down from innocence and happiness, to ruin, wretchedness, disgrace, despair, THE BETRAYER'S VICTIM. 169 drink, the streets. And then he was unanimously chosen by a majority of the people to make wise laws, such as legalizing sin and iniquity, and other njoble statutes, for the purifyin' of the nation. And she,why, as she is too low and worthless for anything else, she is used as a capital illustration to enforce the fact, that wimmen like her are too sinful to vote." Says I speakin' right out, loud and very eloquent: " Sister Minkley, as sure as there is a God in heaven, such injustice will not be permitted to go on forever " I s'pose I skairt her, speakin' out so sudden like, and she not knowin' what performances had been a performin' in my mind. And she murmured again almost mekanically " It would be the awfulest thing I ever hearn on, for such creeters to vote." Says I, " That old torment can vote can't he, the one that brought her where she is?" "1No doubt but what she was to blame," says sister Minkley drawin' her lips down in a real womanly way. " Who said she wasn't!" says I in real excited axents. " But this I will contend for, that her sin compared to his, wasn't so much as a morphine powder to a barrell of flour." "She no need to have sunk down to where she is now," says sister Minkley speakin' again, in a real prudent, womanly tone, 170 DOWN I DOWN I I DOWN 1! Says I, " Sister Minkley, when that girl found out that the man she loved better than her own soul, that she looked up to as a God, as wimmen will, when she found that that man had betrayed her, ruined her, do you s'pose she had any faith left in God or "man? The hull world S.' reeled with her, and she ' 8' r went down with the shock. How low she went down, you nor I shall never know And may the God above, who is able to keep us all from temptation, keep your childern and mine, sister Minkley " "Amen!" says sister Minkley jest as solemn as if she was to campmeetin' For danger never looks so dangerous, nor ruin so ruinous, FALLEN. as when a mother thinks of her own childern fallin' onto it. Says I, "Sister Minkley when I think it might have been my Tirzah Ann, what feelin's I feel." " And jest so 1 feel," says she. Sister Minkley LET MOTHERS THINK. 171 does dretful well by her childern, thinks a sight on 'em, and the mother in her was touched. Says I, "Sister Minkley, that girl had a mother once. A mother's hand to guide her upwards-to lay on her brow when it ached. A mother's love to keep her from temptation. A mother's arms to hold her from evil, from coldness, from blame. A mother's heart to rest on, when tired, tired out with tihe world. Less try to feel for her a little as that faithful heart would, if it wasn't put away under the grasses." Says I, almost eloquently, "It don't look wel sister Minkley for mother's hlands that have held little trustin' baby fingers in them, to be pinted out in mockery, or stun bruised in stunnin' such as she. No! rather let them be lifted up to high heavens in prayer for 'em, or reached in help to 'em, or wipin' away tears of pity and sorrow for'em. Let mothers think for one half or even one third of a moment, what if death had unloosed their own claspin' lovin' hands from the baby fingers-tender trustin' little fingers,and so many different hands in the world reached out to clasp 'em, and they so weak, so confidin', and so woefully ignorant what hands to lay holt of, little helpless, foolish lambs, that love guarded, love watched in safe homes, need such wise guidance, and prayers, and tears, and watchfulness-what would become of them wanderin' alone in a world full of wolves, temptation, starvation, and more'n forty other old whelps, some of the fiercest ones so covered 1'72 THE LITTLE INNOCENTS. up with honest lookin' wool, that the keenest spectacles are powerless for the time bein' to tell 'em froin sheep. Little white lambs travelin' alone so dangerous and black a road, how can they keep them8elves white unless God keeps 'em. We mothers ort ~A THE LITTLE INNOCENT. to think 8uch thoughts sister Minkley, and pray prayers daily, not alone for our own childern, but for all of Gods little ones--for all of these poor wanderers; askin' for heavenly wisdom and strength to save them, win them back to a better life." "Amen" says sister Minkley, speakin' up jest as prompt and serene as if she was carryin' on a confer. ence ineetin' She is as wvell ineanin' a woman as I ever see, and bein' a Methodist by perswasion 'Amen&' THE MOTHER'S GRIEF 173 come jest as natural to her as the breath she breathes. They are truly her theme; but she means well. Says I goin' on and resumin' "1 After that girl gave her freshness and beauty to the little face that lay for a few months on her bosom -dear to her, dearer to her in all her shame and guilt, than her life, because she could see his features in it-then Senator Vyse grew tired of her. "And then her baby died. Perhaps God knew she GRIEF AND REMORSE. was not fit to guide a deathless life, so he took to himself the little white soul. And she missed it. Missed the little constant hands that clung to her trustingly-the innocent eyes that never looked at 7* 174 DRIVEN TO DESPERATION. her scornfully, and the little loving head that nestled fearlessly on her guilty breast. "And then, the Senator bein' very tired of her, and havin' found a newer face that he liked better, turned her out doors, and she went ravin' wild, they say, run off into the woods, tried to kill herself. They took her to the hospittle, and when she got over her wildness, she would set by the winder all day, pale as a ghost, jest for the chance of seein' him ridin' by -for she couldn't kill her love for him, that was one of the hardest things for her, she "TOOK TO DRINKIN'. couldn't strangle it out no more'n she could kneel down and pray the sun out of the sky, because she had had a sunstroke. And what did she do to try to forget him and her agony? She took to drinkin', and fell lower and lower; so low, that nothin' but God's mercy can ever reach down to her." WHAT SHE ONCE WAS, AND NOW IS. 175 Says I, "Her face used to be as innocent and sweet as your baby's face, your little Katy; and look at it now, if you want to see what this man has done. Look at the shame there, where there used to be fearlessness and trust; look at the wretchedness, where there used to be happiness; look at the vicious look, the guilty look, where there was innocence and purity; see how she is shunned and despised by those who used to love and respect her, consider the gulf his hands have dug, deep as eternity, between her and the old life she weeps over but can never return to. If, when she was sweet, and innocent, and trustin', and fitter for heaven than she ever will be again-when she was first left to his care-he had killed her with his own hands, it wouldn't have been half the crime he has done now, for then he would only have harmed her body, not her immortal soul. "And what seems to me the most pitiful thing, sister Minkley, is, he ruined that girl through the best part of her nater-her trust, her affection. Jest as a young deer is led to its death by an old panther mockin' the voice of its dam, jest so did this old human panther lead this innocent young creeter astray by mockin' the voice of love,-that holiest of voices-lead her down to destruction through her tenderness, her love for him. And now, after he has stole her happiness, her innocence, her purity, her self-respect, and the respect of others, all her earthly hopes of happiness and her hopes of heaven, after she has lost all 176 A WORD FROM THE WISE MAN. for his sake; after he has committed this crime against her, the greatest that man can commit, he crows over her and feels above her; says, " you can't vote, but 1 can; oh yes, I am all right because I am a man. Good land! sister Minkley, how mad it makes me to see such injustice and iniquity " But sister Minkley's mind had got to travelin' again the ways of the world, and she spdke out in a sort of a preachin' tone-I s'pose she kinder catched it from Brother Minkley, unbeknown to her: "Listen to the voice of Solomon concernin' strange wimmen. 'She layeth in wait as for a prey She increaseth the trangressions amongst men. My son rejoice with the wife of thy youth, be thou ravished always with her love. Beware of strange wimmen! Her feet go down to death. Her steps take hold on hell! ' " I was agitated and almost by the side of myself, and I spoke out quick like, before I had time to think how it would sound. Says I, "'That very same strange woman that Solomon was bewarin' his son about, was innocent once, and in the first on't some man led her astray, and I shouldn't wonder a mite if it was old Solomon himself." "Good gracious!" says sister Minkley, "Why'e!" Says I, "I mean well sister Minkley, and there can't nobody go ahead of me in honorin' Solomon for what was honorable in him, and admirin' what was SOLOMON'S WEAK POINT. 177 admirable in him. He bilt one of the biggest meetin' housen's that ever was bilt, did lots of good, and some of his words are truly like 'apples of gold in pitchers of silver,' chuck full of wisdom and goodness. But I must speak the truth if I speak at all sister Minkley, especially where my sect is concerned. As you probable know, private investigation into the wrongs of my sect and tryin' to right them wrongs, is at present my mission and my theme, (and also promiscous advisin') And I must say, that I think Solomon talked to his son a little too much about bewarin' of strange wimmen, and exhortin' him to stick to the wife of his youth, when he had ten hundred wimmen by him all the time, and then wasn't satisfied but started off to git a couple more -upwards of a thousand wimmen. Good gracious! sister Minkley; I should have thought some of 'em would have looked strange to him. " Why sister Allen! why'e! " " I mean well, sister Minkley, I mean first rate. And I'll bet a cent if you should speak your mind right out, you would say that you don't uphold Solomon in all his doin's no more'n I do. He was altogether too familiar with wimmen, Solomon was, to suit me. Marryin' seven hundred of 'em. Goodland! And folks make a great fuss nowadays if a man marries two; claps him right into jail quicker'n a wink, and good enough for him, he nrt to cro. One woman at a time is my theme, and that is the theme 178 THE STUDY OF WIMMEN. of the new testament, and what that says is good enough for me or anybody else; it is God's own words to us sister Minkley " I had been dretful kinder agitated in tone, I felt so deeply what I said. But I continued on in some milder axents, but impressive as impressive could be -for I was a talkin' on principle, and I keep a tone by me all the time on purpose for that, a dretful deep, lofty, eloquent tone; and I used it now, as I went on and proceeded. " As I said sister Minkley, I have made the subject of wimmen my theme for quite a number of yearsever sense the black African and the mortgage on our farm was released. I have meditated on what wimmen has done, and what she haint done, what treatment she has received, and what she haint received. Why sometimes, sister Minkley, when I have got onto that theme, my mind has soared to that extent that you wouldn't have any idee of, if you never had seen anything done in the line of soarin' It has sailed back to the year one, and sailed onwards through the centuries that lie between to that golden year we both believe in sister Minkley It has soared clear from the east to the west, and seen sad eyed Eastern wimmen with veiled faces, toys, or beasts of burden, not darin' to uncover their faces to the free air and light of heaven, because man willed it so. It has seen Western wimmen, long processions of savages, the wimmen carryin' the babies, the house, and house EQUAL RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES. 179 hold furniture on their backs, wiile thie men, unburdened and feathered out nobly, walked in front of 'em, smoking calmly, and meditatin' on the inferiority of wimmen. I never contended that wimmen was perfect, far from it. You have hecrd me say in the past, tlat I thought wimmen was meaner than pusly about some things. I say so still. My mind haint changed about ^\ ^. v. u saa r M1 ItZ~~R~~~J F5 AROUTT A FAIR THING. wimmen, nor about pusly But justice is what I have been a contendin' for; justice, and equal rights, and a fair dividin' of the burdens of life is my theme; and I say they haint been used well. Now in the year one, when Adam and Eve eat that 180 ADAM AND EVE PUNISHED EQUALLY. apple, jest as quick as Adam swallowed it-probable he most choked himself with the core, lie was in such a awful hurry to get his mouth clear, so he could lay the blame onto Eve. "The woman did tempt me, and I did eat." " But thank fortin, he didn't make out much, for Eternal Goodness, which is God, is forever on the side of Right. And Adam and Eve-as any two ort to be who sin together-got turned out of Eden, side by side, out of the same gate, into the same wilderness; and the flaming sword that kept Eve back from her old life of beauty and innocence, kept Adam back, too. Sister Minkley, that is my theme. When two human souls turn the Eden of their innocence into a garden of guilt, punish 'em both alike, and don't turn her out into the wilderness alone; don't flash the flamin' sword of your righteous indignation in her eyes and not in hisen. " And then, there was Hagar'ses case,-when Abraham turned Hagar and his baby out into the desert. If I had lived neighbor to 'em, at the time, I should have give him a talkin' to about it, I should have freed my mind, and felt relieved so fur, anyway. I should have said to the old gentleman, in a pleasant way, so's not to git him mad:-' I think a sight of you, Abraham, in the patriarch way. You are a good man, in a great many respects; but standin' up for wimmen is my theme, (and also promiscouR a.visin',) and do you think you are doin' the fair thing INJUSTICE OF ABRAHAM. 181 by Hagar, to send her and your baby off into the desert with nothin' but one loaf of bread and a bottle of water between them and deatl?' Says I, ' It is your child, and if it hadn't been for you, IIagar would probable now be a doin' housework round in Beersheba, a happy woman with no incumbrances. It is your child as well as hern, and you, to say the least of it, are as guilty as she is, and don't you think it is a little ungenerous and unmanly in you, to drive her off into the desert-to let her in her weakness, take all the consequences of the sin you and she committed, when she had paid for it already pretty well, in the line of sufferin'?' Says I, 'I think a sight of you, Abraham, but in the name of principle, I say with the poet,-that what is sass for the goose, ort to be sass for the gander-and if she is drove off into the desert, you ort to lock arms with her and go too.' "I'll bet a cent I could have convinced Abraham that he was doin' a cowardly and ungenerous act by Hagar But then I wasn't there; I didn't live neighbor to 'em. And I persume Sarah kep' at him all the time, kep' a tewin' at him about her, kep' him awake nights a twittin' him about her, and askin' him to start her off. I persume Sarah acted meaner than pusly. " Human nater, and especially wimmen human nater is considerable the same in the year 18 and 1800, and I'll bet a cent, (or I wouldn't be afraid to bet a cent, 182 MEANNESS OF SARAH. if I believed in bettin',) that if Sarah had had her way, Hagar wouldn't have got even that loaf of bread and bottle of water. It says, Abraham got lup early-probable before Sarah was up-and give'em to her, and started her off. I shouldn't wonder a mite if Sarah twitted Abraham about that loaf of bread every time she did a bakin', for a number of years after And that bottle. I dare persume to say, if the truth was known, that she throwed that bottle in his face more'n a hundred times, deplorin' it as the toughest-hided, soundest bottle in all Beersheba. "1 But as 1 said, I wasn't there, and Abraham turned her out, and Hagar had a hard time of it out in the desert, toilin' on alone through its dreary wastes, hungry for bread, and hungry for love; dying from starvation of soul and body; deceived, despised; wronged; deserted; lonely; broken-hearted, and carrying with all the rest of her sorrow-as mothers will-the burden of her child's distress. Why, this woman's wrongs and misery opened the very gates of Heaven, and God's own voice comforted and consoled her; again Eternal Justice and Mercy spoke out of Heaven for wimmen. Why is it that his childern on earth will continue to be so deaf and dumb -deaf as a stun-for 6000 years. " But from that time to this, take it between the Abrahams and the Sarahs of this world, the Hagars have fared hard, and the Abrahams have got along first rate; the Hagars have been turned out into the WIMMEN TO BLAME. 183 desert to die there, and the Abrahams that ruined 'em, have increased in flocks and herds; are thought a sight of and are high in the esteem of wimmen. Seems as though the more Ilagars they fit out for the desert business, the more feathers it is in their cap. Every IIagar they start out is a new feather, till some get completely feathered out; then they send 'eni to Congress, and think a sight on 'em. "I declare for't it is the singularest thing I ever see, or hearn tell on, how folks that are so just in every thing else, are so blinded in this one. And " says 1 almost wildly-for I grew more and more agitated every minute, and eloquent-" the female sect are to blame for this state of affairs;" says I, "men as a general thing, all good men, have better idees in this matter than we do, enough sight. Wimmen are to blame-meetin' house wimmen and all,-you and I are to blame sister Minkley," says I. " As a rule the female sect wink at men's sins, but not a wink can you ever git out of them about our sins. Not a wink. We have got to toe the mark in morals, and we ort to make them toe the mark. And if we did, we should rise 25 cents in the estimation of every good man, and every mean one too, for they can't respect us now, to toady and keep a winkin' at 'em when they wont at us; they can't respect us. We ort to require as much purity and virtue in them, as they do in us, and stop winkin' " Says I, " Winkin' at men's sins io what is goin' to ruin us all, the hull caboodle of us; 184 RESULT OF ELOQUENCE. ruin men, ruin wininen, Jonesville, and the hull nation. Let the hull female race, fur and near, bond and free, in Jonesville and the world, stop winkin' " 1 don't believe I had been any more eloquent sense war times; I used to get awful eloquent then, talkin' about the colored niggers. And I declare I don't know where, to what heights and depths my eloquence would have flown me off to, if I hadn't jest that minute heard a low, lady-like snore-sister Minkley was asleep. Yes, she had forgot her troubles, she was leanin' up ag'inst the high pile of rag carpetin', that kinder fenced us in, fast asleep. But truly, she haint to blame. She has bad spells,-a sort of weakness she can't help. But jest at that very minute my Josiah came up and says he: " Come Samantha! haint you about ready to go?" "Yes," says I, for truly principle had tuckered me out. Josiah's voice had waked up sister Minkley, and she give a kind of a start, and says she: " Amen, sister Allen! I can say amen to that with all my heart. You talked well sister Allen, especially towards the last. You argued powerful." I wasn't goin' to twit her of not hearin' a word of it. Brother Minkley jest that minute sent in word that he was ready, and to hurry up, for the colts wouldn't stand. (He had hired a neighborin' team.) And so we two wimmen, sister Minkley and I started home from 'lection. I don't know as I ever see Josiah Allen in any JOSIAH TALKS. 185 better spirits, than he was, as we started off on our tower homewards. He had been to the clothin' store and bought him a new Sentinal necktie, red, wlhite and blue. It was too young for him by forty years, and I told him so; but he said he liked it the minute he sot his eyes on it, it was so dressy That man is 'vain. And then 'lection bid fair to go the way he wanted it to. He was awful animated, his face was almost wreathed in a smile, and before the old mare had gone several rods, he begun what a neat thing it was, and what a lucky hit for the nation, that wimmen couldn't vote. And he kep' on a talkin', that man did, as he was a carryin' me home from 'lection, about how it would break a woman's modesty down to go to the pole, and how it would devour her time and so 4th, and so 4th. And 1 was that tired out and fatigued a talkin' to sister Minkley that I let him go on for more'n a mile, and never put in my note at all. Good land! I'd heerd it all over from him, word for word, more'n a hundred times, and so I sot still. I s'pose he never thought how it was my lungs that ailed me, that I had used 'em almost completely up in principle, how I was almost entirely out of wind. And though a woman's will may be good, and her principles lofty, still she can't talk without wind. For truly in the words of a poem, 1 once perused. " What's Paul, or Pollus, when a sinner's dead? dead for want of breath." 186 WHY WIMMEN SHOULDN'T VOTE. I don't s'pose he thought of my bein' tuckered out, but honestly s'pose he thought he was convincin' of me; for his mean grew gradually sort of overbearin' like, and contemptible, till he got to be more big feelin' and hauty in his mean than I had ever known him to be, and independenter And he ended up as follers: "Now, we have purity, and honesty, and unswervin' virtue, and incorruptible patriotism at the pole. Now, if corruption tries to stalk, honest, firm, lofty minded men stand ready to grip it by the throat. How can it stalk, when it is a chokin'? Wimmen haint got the knowledge, the deep wisdom and insight into things that we men have. They haint got the lofty idees of national honor, and purity, that we men have. Wimmen may mean well -" He was feelin' so neat that he felt kinder clever towards the hull world, hemale, and female. "Wimmen may mean well, and for arguments sake, we'll say they do mean well. But that haint the pint, the pint is here -" And he pinted his forefinger right towards the old mare. Josiah can't gesture worth a cent. He wouldn't make a oriter, if he should learn the trade for years. But ever sense he has been to the Debatin' school, lie has seemed to have a hankerin' that way. " The pint is here. Not knowin' so much as we men know, not bein' so firm and lofty minded as we be, if wimmen should vote corruption would stalk; they SAMANTHA TAKES PART. 187 not havin' a firm enough grip to choke it off. They would in the language of the 'postle be 'blowed about by every windy doctor' They would be tempted by filthy lucre to 'sell their birth-right for a mess of pottery,' or crockery, I s'pose the text means. They haint got firmness; they are whifflin', their minds haint stabled. And if that black hour should ever come to the nation, that wimmen should ever go to the pole-where would be the lofty virtue, the firm high-minded honesty, the uncorruptible patriotism that now shines forth from politics? Where would be the purity of the pole? Where? oh! where?" I'll be hanged if I could stand it another minute, and my lungs havin' got considerable rested, I spoke up, and says I " You seem to be havin' a kind of a enquiry meetin' in politics, Josiah Allen, and I'll get up in my mind, and speak in meetin' " And then I jest let loose that eloquent tone I keep by me expressly for the cause of principle, I used the very loftiest and awfulest one I had by me, as I fastened my specks immovably on hisen. "Where is that swaller tailed coat of Father Allen's? " And in slower, sterner, colder tones, I added "With the brass buttons. Where is it Josiah Allen? Where? oh! where? " Oh! What a change came over my companion's mean. Oh, how his feathers drooped and draggled on the ground speakin' in a rooster and allegory way. 188 JOSIAH OVERWHELMED. Oh, what a meachin' look covered him like a garment from head to foot. I declare for't if his boots didn't look meachin', and his hat and his vest. I never seen a meachener lookin' vest than hisen, as I went on: " I'd talk Josiah Allen about men bein' so pureminded, and honest. I'd talk about wimmens bein' whifflin' and their minds not stabled. I'd talk about the purity of the pole. I'd love to see Josiah Allen's wife buyin' votes; bribin' Miss Gowdey or sister Minkley away from the paths of honesty and virtue, with a petticoat or a bib apron. I'd love to see George Washington offerin' his jack knife to Patrick Henry to get him to vote his ticket; or Benjamin Franklin, or Thomas Jefferson sellin their votes for store clothes. I should be ashamed to go to the Sentinal Josiah Allen, if I was in your place. I should be perfectly ashamed to set my eyes on that little hatchet that George Washington couldn't tell a lie with. I should think that hatchet would cut your conscience clear to the bone-if you have got a conscience, Josiah Allen. " Oh! Did I ever expect to see the companion of my youth and middle age, betrayin' his country's honor; trafficin' in bribery and sin, dickerin' with dishonesty; tradin' in treason; buyin' corruption; and payin' for it with a swaller tailed coat, with his old father's blue swaller tailed coat that his lawful pardner wanted for carpet rags. Oh, the agony of this half an hour, Josiah Allen I Oh, the feelin's that I feel." ' JuLi.A AI KNOWNS JOSIAH AS A JOKER. 191 But Josiah had begun to pick up his crumbs again. Truly it is hard work to keep men down in the valley of humiliation. You can't keep 'em worked up and mortified for any great length of time, do the best you can. But I continued on in almost dretful axents. " You ort to repent in sackcloth and ashes, Josiah Allen." "We haint got no sackcloth Samantha," says he, "and we have sold our ashes. Probable the man wouldn't want me to be a repentin' in 'em. It would be apt to leach 'em, too much lie for 'em." " I'd try to turn it off into a joke, Josiah Allen, I'd laugh if I was in your place about lyin' Your tears ort to flow like a leach barrell. Oh if you could realize as I do the wickedness of your act. Destroyin' your country's honor Sellin' your father's coat when I wanted it for carpet rags." Says I, "I am as good a mind as I ever was to eat, to color the hull thing black, warp and all, makin' a mournin' carpet of it, to set down and bewail my pardner's wickedness from year to year " "It would look pretty solemn Samantha." I see the idee worried him. "It wouldn't look no solemner than I feel, Josiah Allen." And then I kep' perfectly still for a number of minutes, for silence is the solemn temple with its roof as high as the heavens, convenient for the human soul to retire into, at any time, unbeknown to any8 192 TRUE TO HIS INSTINCTS. body; to offer up thanksgivin's, or repent of iniquities. And I thought my Josiah was repentin' of hisen. But truly as I said men's consciences are like ingy rubber, dretful easy and stretchy, and almost impossible to break like a bruised reed. For while I was a hopin' that my companion was a repentin', and thought mebby he would burst out a cryin', overcome by a realizin' sense of his depravities, and I was a thinkin' that if he did, I should take up a corner of his bandanna handkerchief and cry on it too-that man for all his back slidin's is so oncommon dear to me-lie spoke out in jest as chirp a way as I ever seen him, and for all the world, jest as if he hadn't done nothin': " I wonder if sister Doodle will have supper ready, Samantha. I meant to have told her to fried a little o' that beef." HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN. W E done dretful well last year. The crops conme in first-rate, and Josiah had five or six heads ot cattle to turn off at a big price. He felt well, and lihe "proposed to me that I should have a sewin' machine. That man,--though he don't coo at me so frequent as lie probable would if he had more encouragement inll it, is attached to me with a devotedness that is firm and almost cast-iron, and says he, almost tenderly: " Samantha, I will get you a sewin' machine." Says I, " Josiali, I have got a couple of sewin' machines by me that have run pretty well for upwards of-well it haint necessary to go into particulars, but they have run for considerable of a spell anyway "-ays I, " I can git along without another one, though no doubt it would be hlandy to have round." But Josiah hung onto that machine. And then lie up and said lie was goin' to buy a organ. Thomas Jefferson wanted one too. They both seemed sot onto that organ. Tirzali Ann took liern with her of 193 194 "NEW FANGLED NAMES." course when slie was married, and Josiah said it 3eemied so awful lonesome without any Tirzah Ann or any music, that it seemed almost as if two girls had married out of the family instead of one. He said money couldn't buy us anotlier Tirzah Ann, but it would buy us a new organ, and he was determined to have one. IIe said it would be so liandy for her to play on when she came ronie, and for other company. And then Thomas J can play quite well, he can play any tune, almost, with one hand, and he sings firstrate, too. He and Tirzah Ann used to sing together a sight, lie sings bearatone, and she sultie: o-tlhat is what they call it. They git up so many new fangled names nowadays, that I think it is most a wonder tlat I don't make a slip once in a while and git things wrong. I should, if I liadn't got a mind like a ox for strength. But as I said, Josiah was fairly sot on that machine and organ, and I thought I'd let him have-his way So it got out tlat we was goin' to buy a sewin' machine, and a organ. Well, we made up our minds on Friday, pretty late in the afternoon, and on Monday forenoon I was a washin', when I heard a knock at the front door, and I wrung my hands out of the water and went and opened it. A slick lookin' feller stood tliere, and I invited him in and sot him a chair. " I hear you are talkin' about buvin' a musical instrument," says he. " No," says I, " we are goin' to buy a organ." THE FIRST AGENT. 195 "Well," says he, "I want to advise you, not that I Have any interest in it at all, only I don't want to see you so imposed upon. It fairly makes me mad to see a Methodist imposed upon, I lean towards tlat perswasion myself. (Organs are liable to fall to pieces any minute. There haint no dependence on 'em at all, the insides of 'em are liable to break out at any time. If you have any regard for your own welfare and safety, you will buy a piano. Not that I have any interest in advising you, only my devotion to the cause of Right, pianos never wear out." "Where should we git one?" says I, for I didn't want Josialh to throw away his property "Well," says lie, "as it happens, I guess I have got one out here in the wagon. I believe I threw one into the bottom of the wagon this niornin', as I was a comin' down by here on business. I am glad now I did, for it always makes me feel ugly to see a Methodist imposed upon. Josiah came into the house in a few minutes, and I told him about it, and says I " How lucky it is Josiah, that we found out about organs before it was too late." But Josiah asked the price, and said he wasn't goin' to pay out no 300 dollars, for he wasn't able. But tle man asked if we was willin' to have it brought into tlhe house for a spell-we could do as we was a mind to about buyin' it; and of course we couldn't refuse, so Josial most broke his back a liftin' it in, 196 THE SECOND AGENT. and they set it up in the parlor, and after dinner the man went away. Josiah bathed his back with linement, for lie had strained it bad a liftin' that piano, and I had jest got back to my washin' again (I had had to put it away to git dinner) when I heerd a knockin' again to the front door, anud I pulled down lily dress sleeves and went and opened it, and there stood a tall, slim feller, and the kitchen bein' all cluttered up I opened the parlor door and asked him in tliere, and the minute he catched sight of that piano, he jest lifted up both hands, and says lie " You liaiiit got one of them hlere!" He looked so horrified that it skairt me, and says I in almost tremblin' tones "What is the matter with 'em?" And I added in a cheerful tone, " we haint bought it." He looked more cheerful too as I said it, and says he " You may be thankful enough that you haint. There haint no music in 'er at all, hear that," says he, goin' up and strikin' the very top note. It did sound flat enough. Says I, " There must be more music in it than that, though I haint no judge at all." "Well, hear that, then," and he went and struck the very bottom note. " You see just what it is, from top to bottom. But it haint its total lack of music that makes nme despise pianos so, it is because they are so dangerous," DANGERS OF PIANOS. 197 "Dangerous?" says I. "Yes, in thunder storms, you see;" says he, liftin' up the cover, " here it is all wire, enough for fifty lightnin' rods-draw the lightnin' right into the room. Awful dangerous! No money would tempt me to have one in my house with my wife and daughter I shouldn't sleep a wink thinkin' I had exposed 'em to such danger." "Good land!" says I, "I never thought on it before." "Well, now you have thought of it, you see plainly that a organ is jest what you need. They are full of music, safe, healthy and don't cost half so much." Says I, "A organ was what we had sot our minds on at first." "Well, I have got one out here, and I will bring it in." " What is tile price?" says I. "100 and 90 dollars," says he. "There wont be no need of bringin' it in at that price," says I, "for I have heerd Josiah say, that he wouldn't give a cent over a 100 dollars." " Well," says the feller, " I'll tell you what I'll do. Your countenance looks so kinder natural to me, and I like the looks of the country round here so well, that if your mind is made up on the price you want to pay, I wont let a trifle of 90 dollars part us. You can have it for 100." " Well, the end on't was, he brung it in and sot it 198 THE THIRD AGENT. up the other end of the parlor, and drove off. And when Josiah come in from his work, and Thomas J. come home from Jonesville, they liked it first rate. But the very next day, a new agent come, and he looked awful skairt when he katched sight of that organ, and real mad and indignant too. " That villain haint been a tryin' to get one of them organs off onto you, has he?" says he. "What is the trouble with 'em?" says I, in a awestruck tone, for he looked bad. " Why," says he, "there is a heavy mortgage on every one of his organs. If you bought one of him, and paid for it, it would be liable to be took away from you any minute when you was right in the middle of a tune, leavin' you a settin' on the stool, and you would lose every cent of your money." "Good gracious I" says I, for it skairt me to think what a narrow chance we had run. Well, finally, he brung in one of hisen, and sot it up in the kitchen, the parlor bein' full on 'em. And the fellers kep' a comin' and agoin' at all hours. For a spell, at first, Josiah would come in and talk with 'em, but after a while he got tired out, and when he would see one a comin' he would start on a run for the barn, and hide, and I would have to stand the brunt of it alone. One feller see Josiah a runnin' for the barn, and he follered him in, and Josiah dove under the barn, as I found out afterwards. I happened to see him a crawlin' out after the feller drove lUll) F77 H I U AVOLIDING A 1Nlll-A.NCE. WE BUY A ORGAN. 201 off. Josiah come in a shakin' himself-for he was all covered with straw and feathers-and says he: " Samantha there has got to be a change." "How is there goin' to be a cliange? says I. "I'll tell you," says he, in a whisper-for fear some on 'em was prowlin' round the house yet-" we will git up before liglht to-morrow mornin', alnd go to Jonesville and buy a organ right out " I fell in with the idee, and we started for Jonesville the next mornin' We got there jest after the break of day, and bought it of the man to the breakfast table. Says Josiah to me afterwards, as we was goin' down into the village " Let's keep dark about buyin' one, and see how many of the creeters will be a besettin' on us to-day " So we kep' still, and there was half a dozen fellers follerin' us round all the time a most, into stores and groceries and the manty makers, and they would stop us on the sidewalk and argue with us about their organs and pianos. One feller, a tall slim chap, never let Josiah out of his sight a minute; and he follered him when lie went after his horse, and walked by the side of the wagon clear down to the store where I was, a arguin' all the way albout hig piano. Josiall had bought a number of things and left 'em to the store, and when we got there, tlhere stood the organ man by the side of the thlings, jest like a watch dog. lIe knew Josial would come and git 'em, and lie could git the last word with him. 8* 202 VERY NEIGHBORLY. Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the piano feller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help him on with it. And the organ man-not goin' to be outdone by the other-he offered too. Josiah kinder winked to me, and then lie held the old mare, and let 'em lift. They wasn't used to such kind of work, and it fell back on 'em once or twice, and most squashed 'em; but they nipped to, and lifted again, and finally got it on; but they was completely tuckered out. And then Josiah got in, and thanked 'em for the liftin', and the organ man, a wipin' the sweat offen his face-that had started out in his hard labor-said lie should be down to-morrow mornin'; and the piano man, a pantil' for breath, told Josiah not to make up his mind till he came; he should be down that night if lie got rested enough. And then Josiah told 'em that he should be glad to see 'em down a visitin' any time, but he had jest bought a organ. I don't know but what they would have laid holt of Josiah, if they hadn't been so tuckered out; but as it was, they was too beat out to look anything but sneakin', and so we drove off. Thle manty maker liad told me that day, that there was two or three new agents with new kinds of sewin' machines jest come to Jonesville, and I was tellin' Josiah on it, when we met a middle-aged man, and he looked at us pretty close, and finally he asked us THE SEWIN' MACHINE AGENT. 203 as he passed by, if we could tell him where Josiah Allen lived. Says Josiah, " I'm livin' at present in a Democrat." Says I, " In this one horse wagon, you know." Says he, "You are thinikin' of buyin' a sewin' machine, haint you?" " Says Josiah, " I am a turnin' my mind that way." At that, the man turned his horse round, and follered us, and I see he had a sewin' machine in front of his wagon. We had the old mare and the colt, and seein' a strange horse come up so close behind us, the colt started off full run towards Jonesville, and then run down a cross-road and into a lot. Says the man behind us, " I am a little younger than you be, Mr Allen, if you will hold my horse I will go after the colt with pleasure." Josiah was glad enough, and so he got into the feller's wagon; but before he started off, the man, says he: "You can look at that machine in front of you while I am gone. 1 tell you frankly, that there haint another machine equal to it in America, it requires no strength at all; infants can run it for days at a time; or idiots; if anybody knows enough to set and whistle, they can run this machine, and it's especially adapted to the blind-blind people can run it jest as well as them that can see. A blind woman last year, in one day, made 43 dollars a makin' leather aprons; stitched them all round the age two rows. 204 ANOTHER AGENT. She made two dozen of 'em, and then she made four dozen gauze veils t3he same day, without changin' the needle. That is one of the beauties of the n achine, its goin' from leather to lace, and back again, without changin' the needle. It is so tryin' for wimmen, every time they want to go from leather, to gauze and book muslin, to have to change the needle; but you can see for yourself that it haint got its equal in North America." He heerd the colt whinner, and Josiah stood up in the wagon, and looked after it. So he started off down the cross road. And we sot there, feelin' considerable like a procession; Josiah holdin' the stranger's horse, and I the old mare; and as we sot there, up driv another slick lookin' chap, and I bein' ahead, he spoke to me, and says he: "Can you direct me, mom, to Josiah Allen's house? " " It is about a mile from here," and I added in a friendly tone, "Josiah is my husband." "Is he?" says he, in a genteel tone. " Yes," says I, "we have been to Jonesville, and our colt run down that cross road, and - " "I see," says he interruptin' of me, "I see how it is." And then he went on in a lower tone, " If you think of buyin' a sewin' machine, don't git one of that feller in the wagon belhind you-I know him well, he is one of the most worthless shacks in the AGENTS CHASING THE COLT. 205 country, as you can plainly see by the looks of his countenance. If I ever see a face mi which kzjuve and villain is wrote down, it is on hisen. Any one with half an eye can see that he would cheat his grandmother out of her snuff handkerchief, if he got a chance." He talked so fast that I couldn't git a chance to put in a word age ways for Josiah. " Iis sewin' machines are utterly worthless, he hainL never sold one yet, he cant. His character lias got out-folks know him. There was a lady tellin' mie the other day that her machine she bought of him, all fell to pieces in less than twenty-four hours after she bought it; fell onto her infant, a sweet little babe, and crippled it for life. I see your husband is havin' a hard time of it with that colt. I will jest hitch my horse here to the fence, and go down and help him; I want to have a little talk witl him before he comes back here." So he started off on the run. I told Josial what he said about him, for it madded me, but Josiah took it cool. He seemed to love to set there and see them two men run. I never did see a colt act as that one did; they didn't have time to pass a word with each other, to find out their mistake, it kep' 'em so on a keen run. They would git it headed towards us, and then it would kick up its heels, and run into some lot, and canter round in a circle with its head up in the air, and then bring up 206 THE THIRD AGENT. short ag'inst the fence, and then they would leap over the fence. The first one had white pantaloons on, but he didn't mind 'em, over he would go, right into sikuta or elderbushes, and they would wave their hats at it, and holler, and whistle, and bark like dogs, and the colt would whinner and start off again right the wrong way, and them two men would go a pantin' after it. They had been a runnin' nigh onto half an hour, when a good lookin' young feller come along, and seein' me a settin' still and holdin' the old mare, he up and says: " Are you in any trouble that I can assist you?" Says I, "We are goin' home from Jonesville, Josiah and me, and our colt got away and-" But Josiah interrupted me, and says he, "And them two fools a caperin' after it, are sewin' machine agents." The good lookin' chap see all through it in a minute, and he broke out into a laugh it would have done your soul good to hear, it was so clear and hearty, and honest. But he didn't say a word; he drove out to go by us, and we see then that he had a sewin' machine in the buggy. "Are you a agent?" says Josiah. "Yes," says he. "What sort of a machine is this here?" says Josiah, liftin' up the cloth from the machine in front of him. " A pretty good one," says the feller, lookin' at the name on it. ,u\ 77T -% iýi 8I I I~4( lri th z z /I 'I LEGITIMATE BUSINESS. 209 " Is yours as good?" says Josiah "I tlink it is better," says he. And then le started up his horse. "Hello! stop!" says Josiah. The feller stopped. "Why don't you run down other fellers' machines, and beset us to buy yourn?" "Because I don't make a practice of stoppin' people on the street." "Do you haunt folks day and night; foller 'em up ladders, through trap-doors, down sullers, and under barns?" " No," says the young chap, " I show people how my machine works, if they want it, I sell it; and if they don't, I leave." " How much is your machine?" says Josiah. " 75 dollars." "Can't you," says Josiah, "because I look so much like your old father, or because I am a Methodist, or because my wife's mother used to live neighbor to your grandmother-let me have it for 25 dollars?" The feller got up on his wagon, and turned his machine round so we could see it plain-it was a beauty-and says he: " You see this machine, sir; I think it is the best one made, although there is no great difference between this and tle one over there; but I think what difference there is, is in this one's favor. You can have it for 75 dollars if you want it; if not, I will drive on." 210 OUR TROUBLES ENDED. "How do you like the looks on it, Samantha?" Says I, " It is the kind I wanted to git." Josiah took out his wallet, and counted out 75 dollars, and says he* "Put that machine into that wagon where Samantha is." The good lookin' feller was jest liftin' of it in, and countin' over his money, when the two fellers come up with the colt. It seemed that they had had a explanation as they was comin' back, I see they had as quick as I catched sight on 'em, for they was a walkin' one on one side of the road, and the other on the other, most tight up to the fence. They was most dead the colt had run 'em so, and it did seem as if their faces couldn't look no redder nor more madder than they did as we c:tc'hed sight on 'em and Josiah thanked 'em for drivin' back the colt; but when they see that the other feller had sold us a machine, their faces dzd look redder and madder. But I didn't care a mite, we drove off tickled enough that we had got through with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beat out a runnin' arTv racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' along by the old mare as stiddy as a deacon. PREPARIN' FOR OUR TOWER. IT was on a fair and lovely mornin', though middlin' cool, that I told my Josiah that if he and I was a goin' to see the Sentinal it was time for us to be makin' some preparations. Thomas J haint a goin' till bimeby He wants to go in company witli Maggy Snow and her father, and I don't blame him a mite-I was young once myself. The Squire is laid up now with rheumatiz, can't step a step on his left foot. I was out on the back stoop, a shakin' my table cloth and Josiah was out there a grindin' his jack knife on the grindstun, and I says to him, again " Josiah Allen it is time for us to prepare." Says he, " I thought mebby you'd want to give up goin', Samantha." "I want to give up goin'!" says I, in a almost mekanical tone, but very cold. "Yes," says he in a sickly and almost foolish tone. " I didn't know but you'd want to wait till the next one; I didn't know buit you'd drather." 211 212 JOSIAH~ BAULKS.. 212 JOSIAH BAULKS. "('Dralt he~r!" I repeated still miore icily " I would wait if I was in your place Josiah Allen, till we are as old as the hills, if we was alive we'd be carried there in a side sliow, and you knoow it;" and I folded up my table clothi aliost severely. "Well," says lie, tryin' the age of the knife with his finowers " I don't think I shall go anymiywi Says I layin' the table cloth over my left arin, and b V "IT HAINT ALWAYS BEST TO TELL REASONS." foldin' my right and left arnm, tryin' hard to keep some composed (on time outside) " What are your reasons, Josiall Allen?" "1Oh)," says lie in a kind of a blind way-goin' to grindin' again,- "I have my reasons, but it haint always best to tell reasons to everybody." CONTRARINESS OF MEN. 213 And jest so he kep' a grindin' and a hangin' back and a actin' It was a curious time, very I a standin' there erect and firm on the stoop, with my table cloth on my left arm and earnestness on my eyebrow, and he half bent, a grindin' away on that old jack knife, with obstinacy on his brow, a tellin' me in a blind mysterious way that he had his reasons and wouldn't tell 'em. Oh! how offish and strange men will act. Truly, truly, doth the poet observe, "that men are wild, and have their spells." There Josiah Allen had acted to the Debatin'-school all up in arms about goin'. lie knew the nation would expect me to be present. IHe knew well what a gloom it would cast over the Sentinal if I wasn't there, a shadder that would spread (as you may say) from pole to pole. Josiah Allen knew all about it; he knew well how I had lotted on makin' a martyr of myself in the cause of Right and Winimen, and here he had to baulk in the harness. Truly, men are as contrary creeters as the earth affords, when they are a mind to be. Every married woman will join with me in sayin', that there are moments in married life, when mules seem to be patterns of yieldin' sweetness and obligin'ness compared with lawful pardners. But here, in this tryin' moment was where mind stepped in to the relief of matter and Samantha. Some wimmen when they see their pardners act so strange and curious, would have give up. Not so Samantha. Here was where the deep and arduous 2014 SCIENCE AND PHILOSOPHY WIN. study of her life-time into the heights and depths of the manly mind soared up and triumphed. I didn't act skairt at all by him, neither did I show out that I was mad-though I was inwardly-to see him act so offish and obstinate. No! I looked down on him a grindin', and a actin', with a almost marble calm; and with a resolution nearly cast-iron I concealed my opinion of him and kep' my tongue in my head, and with a slow, even, and almost majestic tread I turned round and went back into the house, laid my tablecloth on the buttery slelf, and begun my preparations to conquer and to triumph. At jest noon, I called him into thle house to as good a dinner as Jonesville ever offered to man or beast. Again science, phiilosoply and Samantha conquered. Josiah had got through with the turkey and vegetables of all kinds, and there was a sweet smile on his face as I brought on tle cherry puddii', and a tender, affectionate look to his eyes as he looked up at me when I sot the bowl of sweet sass to eat on it in front of him. Then I knew the time had come, the hour was ripe, and I boldly and confidently tackled him as to what his reasons was. And without a struggle or a murmur he says in gentle axents: " Samantha, my pantaloons haint suitable to wear to the Sentimental, they are all frayed out round the bottoms, and you can see your face in the knees, they are so shiny, they are as good as lookin' glasses." I felt dretful well to think I had come off conqueror, WAYS AND MEANS. 215 and awful relieved to think my pardner's reasons was them I could grapple with and overthrow I see that my mission could be preformed about, my tower gone off on. And then my companion's affectionate mean endeared him to me dretfully for the time bein', and take it altogether I felt so dretful eloquent, I soarl right up in half a minute to a height of happiness and eloquence that I hadn't sot on for days and days, and I broke right out in a noble oriterin' tone, and as affectionate as they make " Josial Allen that pure and lheavenly blossom of True Love never floated down from Eden bowers into this troublesome world, without its whiteness mnakin' the soul whiter that it lighted down on. It never warmed the heart with a breath of the heavenly climate it was born in without inspirin' that heart with a desire and a inspiration to help the beloved object." Says I firmly, "Store clothes are not a goin' to part my companion and happiness, " and I added-in still more lofty tones for I felt noble in spirit as I said it-" take the last churnin' of butter Josiah Allen, and go to Jonesville and git the cloth for a new pair of pantaloons, and I will make them for you or perish on the press board. " Well," says he sweetly, as he helped himself to the sweet sash, " then we will go to the Sentimental." (I have give up tryin' to have Josialh call it anything hut Sentimental, because I see plain after arguin' for several weeks on it, that argument was 216 A NEW IDEA. wasted, and breath spent in vain. He says he has spelt the word over time and again, and studied on it a sight, and he knows it is as near that as anything, and he will call it Sentimental.) Well, the very day I finished his trowsers, he broached a new idee to me. We had been a layin' out to go on the cars, but Josiah says to me, says he " What do you say Samantha to goin' with the old mare, and kinder visitin' along the road, we have got lots of relations that live all along the way, some on my side, and some on yourn. They've all visited us time and again, and we haint never been nigh 'em to visit 'em. What do you say Samantha, to goin' in our' own conveniance." " You mean conveyance," says I firmly. " Well I said so didn't I; what do you say to it, Samantha?" Says I, "I haint a goin' in that old buggy of ourn." Says he, "That buggy was high-toned enough for father, and for grandfather, and it ort to be for us." Says I, "It is dangerous Josiah Allen and you know it. Have you forgot," says I, " how sister Minkley went right down through the bottom the other day when you was a helpin' her in?" Says I, " It skairt you Josiah Allen, and you know it; the minute you leggo of her, to have her go right down through the bottom, and set down on the ex. It was enough to start anybody " WHAT THE NEIGHBORS SAY. 217 "Well, what business has a woman to weigh more'n a ton? I've. mended it." Says I, " Truly in the matter of heft Josiah Allen, let everybody be fully perswaded in their own mind. And she don't weigh near a ton, she don't weigh more'n three hundred and fifty." " The buggy was good enough for father and grandfather," he kep' a arguin' "But," says I in reasonable axents, " them two old men never sot out on towers of Principle. They never sot out as Promiscous Advisors in the cause of Right, if they had, they would have wanted to feel free and promiscous in their minds. They wouldn't have wanted to feel liable in the loftiest moments of their high mission, to break through and come down acrost a ex. They would have felt that a top buggy was none too high-toned to bear 'em onwards." Says he, " It will make talk, Samantha. The neighbors will think we are too loose-principled, and llauty " Says I, " The neighbors say now we are too tight to git a new one. I had jest as lives be called too loose, as too tight. And you know,"-says I in reasonable tones, " you know Josiah Allen, that we have got to be called sunthin' by 'em, anyway We have got money out at interest, and we are goin' down the hill of life, and if we can go down any easier in a top buggy, I don't see why we shouldn't have it to go in." So finally after considerable urgin', I got Josiah 218 THE COVERED BUGGY. headed towards Jonesville after a top buggy And I and the Widder Doodle kep' watch to the winder all day, expectin' to see the new buggy a comin' home with Josiah; but he come back at night empty-handed but all worked up with another new idee, and says he: " What do you say Samantha to buyin' a phantom, -a pony phantom. The man says they are easier ridin', easier to get into, and he thought you would like it better than a top buggy And he said they was all the fashion too." But I answered him calmly. "Fashion, or no fashion, I shant ride no phantom Josiah Allen. I shant go to the Sentinal on my lofty mission, a ridin' a phantom. Though," says I more mildly, " phlantolms may be willin' critters to go, and easy ridin', but I don't seem to have no drawin' towards 'em. A top buggy is my theme." So I held firm, and finally Josiah bought one. It was a second-handed one, and fair lookin', big and roomy In shape it wasn't the height of fashion, bein' kind o' bowin' up at the back, and sort o' spread out like in front; a curious shape. I never see none exactly like it, before nor sense. They said the man that built it, made up the pattern in his own head, and there hadn't nobody ever follered it. HIe died a few weeks after he made it, Thomas Jefferson said he guessed it killed him, the shape was so curious that it skairt the man to death. But it wasn't no such thing; he had the billerous colic. A THING TO WORSHIP 219 Josiah was so perfectly delighted with it that he would go out to the barn and look at it for hours, and I was most afraid he was settin' his heart too much on it; and I told Thomas Jefferson so, but he told me not to worry; says he, "it wouldn't be a mite wicked for father to worship it." Says I, " Thomas Jefferson do you realize what you are a talkin' about?" says I, " it scares me to hear you talk so wicked when I brought you up in such a Bible way." Says he, " There is where I got it, mother. I got it out of the Bible; you know it says you shall not worship anything that is in the shape of anything on earth, or in the heavens, or in the waters under the earth. And that is why it would be perfectly safe for father to worship the buggy " I see through it in a minute; though I never ehould have thought on it myself. What a mind that boy has got; he grows deep every day. Josiah said he couldn't leave the colt to home, as the old mare would be liable to turn right round in the road with us any time, and start back for home; but I told him that when anybody sot off on a tower as a martyr and a Promiscous Advisor, a few colts more or less wasn't a goin' to overthrow 'em and their principles. Says I, we will hitch the colt to the old marc, Josiah Allen, and march onwards nobly in the cause of Right. But still there was a kind of a straggler of a 9 220 OUR RELATION&, thought hangin' round the age of my mind, to worry me a very little; and I says to my Josiah dreamily: "I wonder if they'll be glad to see us. Anything but bringin' trouble onto folks, because they are unfortunate enough to be born cousins to you, unbeknown to them." " But," says Josiah, "we owe a visit to every one on 'en, and some on 'em two or three." And so we did. They had all of 'em visited us years ago, more or less on 'em out of every family There was Zebulin Coffin'ses wife and four of his boys; Philander Spicer'ses wife and Philander-they all made us long visits, and Serepta Simmons-she that was Serepta Smith-made it her home with mother and me for years before she was married-we helped to bring her up on a bottle. And then there was Delila, Melankton Spicer'ses wife had visited us with Philander'ses folks when they was first married, she was Philander's wife's sister. We had promised to pay their visits back, and laid out to, but it hadn't seemed to come right, somehow. But now, everything seemed to promise fair for a first-rate time for us and them. We would be journeyin' onwards towards the Sentinal, and the cause of Right. Our clothes (now Josiah had got some new pantaloons and I a new dress) would look well, and almost foamin'. We had a beautiful top buggy, and take it altogether, it did truly seem almost as Josiah said, that we was havin' our good things all on earth. "~WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE WIDDER?" 221 But anon, or a very little after, a new question come up; what should we do with the Widder Doodle, she didn't want to go, and she didn't want to stay And so, what should we do with her to do right.? I am sot on doin' by the Widder as I would wish to be done by if I should come onto the town and have to be took in and done for; and so day and night this deep and wearin' thought kep' a hauntin' me-though I tried to keep cool on the outside-" she don't want to go, and she don't want to stay, and so what shall I do with the Widder Doodle? " THE WIDDER AND WIDOWER. SOLOMON CYPHER is a widower! Yes, he has lost his wife with the tyfus; she was a likely woman, had a swelled neck, but that wasn't nothin' ag'inst her; I never laid it up ag'inst her for a minute. I told Thomas J. when he brought me the news, that I wished he and I was as likely a woman as she was, and says I still more warmly, "if the hull world was as likely a woman as she was, there wouldn't be so much cuttin' up, and actin' as there is now " And says I, " Thomas J., it stands us in hand to be prepared." But somehow it is awful hard to git that boy to take a realizin' sense of things; his morals are dretful sound, but a good deal of the time he is light and triflin' in his demeanor and his talk, and his mind don't seem to be so stabled as I could wish it to be. Now I don't s'pose there would anybody believe me, but the very next day but one after Nancy 229 ANOTHER MAN, OHI 223 Cypher'ses death, that boy begun to laugh at his aunt Doodle about the relict. I told him I never see anything. in my hull life so wicked and awful, and I asked him where he s'posed he'd go to. He was fixin' on a paper collar to the lookin' glass, and he says in a kind of a chirk way, and in a fine polite tone: " I s'pose I shall go to the weddin'." Good land! you might jest as well exhort the wind to stop blowin' when it is out on a regular spree, as to stop him when he gits to behavin'. But I guess he got the worst of it this time, I guess his aunt Doodle skairt him-she took on so when he sejested the idee of her marryin' to another man. She bust right out cryin', took out her snuff handkerchief, and rubbed her eyes with both hands, her elbo's standin' out most straight; she took it awful. "Oh Doodle! Doodle!" says she, " what if you had lived to hear your relict laughed at about marryin' to another man. What agony it would have brung to your dear linement; I can't bear it, I can't. Oh! when I think how he worshipped the ground I walked on; and the neighbors said he did; they said he thought more of the ground than he did of me; but he didn't, he worshipped us both. And what would his feelin's be if he'd lived to see his Widder laughed at about another man." She sobbed like a infant babe; and I come to the buttery door with my nutmeg grater in my hand, and winked at Thomas Jefferson two or three times, 224 "HOW COULD I THINK OF ITT" not to say another word to hurt her feelin's. They was real firm and severe winks and he knew I meant 'em, and he took up one of his law books and went to readin', and I went back to makin' my fruit cake and cherry pies. But I kep' one eye out at her, not knowin' what trouble of mind would lead her into; she kep' her snuff haindkerchief over her eyes and groaned bad for nearly nine moments I should judge, and then she spoke out from under it "4 Do you think Solomon Cypher is good lookin' Tommy? " " Oh! from fair to middlin'," says Thomas J. And then she bust out again " Oh what a linement my Doodle had on him; how can I think of any other man. I can't! I can't! " And she groaned the hardest she had yet. And I come to the buttery door again, and shook my head and winked at Thomas Jefferson again, severer and more reprovin' winks than they was before, and more of 'em; and he, feelin' sorry 1 guess for what he had done, got up and said lie gucsed he'd go out to the barn, and lielp his father. Josiah was puttin' some new stanchils in the stable. Thomas J. hadn't much more'n got to the barn, and I had finished my cake, and had jest got my hands into the pie crust a mixin' it up, when there come a knock to the door, and my hands bein' in the dough, the Widder stopped groanin' for the time bein', and opened it, It was Solomon Cypher himself come A MOURNER'S VISIT 225 to borry my boinbazeen dress and crape veil for some of the mourners. Bcin' engaged and busy, I thought I wouldn't go out till I had finished my pies, he and the Widder bein' some acquainted, lie hadn't sot but a few minutes when he spoke up, and says lie. "This is a dretful blow to me, Widder," and he hit himself a knock in the stomach so you could hear it all over the house-for he has got so used to public life and its duties, that he makes gestures right along every day, good enough for anybody, and this was; it would have knocked anybody down that wasn't in the practice. "A hard blow," says he pelti'n' himself again right in his breast. " Yes," says sister Doodle, puttin' her snuff handkerchief to her eyes. "I can feel to sympathize with you, I know what feelin's I felt when I lost Doodle." Not a word does she say about brother Timothy, but I hold firm and so does Josiah; we do well by the Widder. Says he, "I believe you never see the corpse." "No," says she, " but I have heerd her well spoke of; sister Samantha was a sayin' jest before you come in, that she was a likely woman." " She wasl" says he a smitin' himself hard, " slie was; my heart strings was completely wrapped round that woman: not a pair of,antaloons have I hired made senFO we was both on ur married to each other; nor a vest. I tell you it is hard to give ler up Widder; 226 A VALUABLE W: ~IFE. dretful hard, she was healthy, savin', equinomical, hard workin', pious; I never realized how much I loved that woman," says he in a heart broken tone, "I never did till I see I must give her up and hire a girl at 2 dollars a week, and they waste more'n their necks are worth." Here he stopped a minute and " I LOVED THAT WOMAN." sithed, and she sithed, so loud that I could hear 'em plain into the buttery; and then he went on in still more melancholly and despairin' tones. " I tell you I have seen trouble for the last month Widder. It's only four weeks ago yesterday, that I lost the best cow I had, and now my wife is dead; I tell you it cuts me right down Widder, it makes me feel dretful poor." CONSIDERABLY CHIRKED UP 227 I could tell by his voice that he was jest ready tu bust out cryin'; Solomon takes her death hard, dretful. Here they both sithed again so powerful that they seemed more like groans than common sithes, and then he continued on: "It seems Widder as if my heart will bust," and I could see as I went acrost the buttery for the rollin' pin, that he had laid his left hand over his heart, as if he was holdin' it inside of his vest by main strength, "it seems as if it must bust, it is so full of tender memories for that woman. When I think how she would git up and build fires in the winter-" "That is jest what I love to do," says sister Doodle, "I always built fires for my Doodle." " Did you Widder?" says he, and his tone seemed to be some chirker than it was. "I wish you had been acquainted with the corpse, I believe you would have loved each other like sisters." Sister Doodle took her snuff handkerchief down from her face and says she in a more cheerful tone: " You must chirk up, Mr Cypher, you must look forred to happier days." "Yes," says he, "I know there is another spear, and I try to keep it in view, and hang my hopes upon it; a spear where hired girls are unknown, and partin's are no more." " I can't bear hired girls," says sister Doodle. " I wouldn't have one round when I was a keepin' house." "Can't you bear hired girls " says Solomon. You 9* 228 FELT BETTER AND BETTER. make me feel better, Widder, than I did feel when I come in here! You chirk me up Widder! I believe you look like the corpse; you look out of your eyes as she looked out of hern. Oh what a woman that was; she knew her place so well; you couldn't have hired her to vote; she said she'd drather dig potatoes any time-she was as good as a man at that, when I'd git kinder belated with my work, she'd dig as fast as I could any day." "I love to dig potatoes," says the Widder. "I do feel better," says Solomon. "I know I don't feel nigh so cast down as I did." "And no money wouldn't hire me to vote." " You do look like her," says he bustin' out in a real convinced tone, "'I know you do; I can see it plainer and plainer. You make me think on her." " Well," says she " then you must think on me all you can. Think on me anytime it's agreeable to you; it don't make no difference when; any time, day or night; don't be delicate about it at all. I'll be glad if I can chirk you up that way, or any other." " You have; you have chirked me up Widder; I feel better than I did when I come in here." "Well then you must come real often and be chirked up. I haint nothin' to do hardly, and I may jest as well be a chirkin' you upoas not, and better." "1 will come," says he. "6 Well, so do; come Sunday nights or any time when it is the handiest to you." THE WIDDER'S KIND INVITATION. 229 " I will, Widder, I will," says he. I can't say but what my mind put out this deep question to myself as I stood there a hearin' sister Doodle go on; " Samantha, ort times ort is how many?n And though I answered back to myself calmly and firmly, "ort;" still, thinks'es I to myself, she is a clever critter, and what little sense she has got runs to goodness-and that is more than you can say of some folks'es sense-some folks'es runs to meanness every mite of it; I went out and got my dress and veil. I felt sorry for Solomon, very; and as I handed 'em to him, I says, tryin' to comfort him: " She was a likely woman, and I haint a doubt but what she is better off now." But he didn't seem to like it, though I spoke with such good motives. He spoke up real crank: "I don't know about that, I don't know about her bein' better off, I did well by her." 1 heerd my pies a sozzlin over in the oven bottom, and I hastened to their rescue, and Solomon started off. The Widder, that clever critter, went to the door, and as he went down the door step, I didn't hear jest what she said to him-bein' a turnin' my pies at the time-but I heerd his answer; it was this "I feel better than I did feel." I thought considerable that afternoon (to myself) what clever streaks the Widder Doodle did have in her, (considerin' her sense) when all of a sudden she 230 THE WIDDER'S DECISION. give me another sample of it. We got to talkin' about the Sentinal and though my demeanor was calm, and my mean considerable cool, the old question would come up in my mind: " What shall I do with the Widder Doodle; what can I do with a Widder that don't want to go, and don't want to stay?" The question was a goarin' me (inwardly) the very minute when she spoke up, and says to me that she would stay to home and keep house for me; she wanted to. But says I, " I hate to have you stay here sister Doodle; I am afraid you'll git lonesome; you haint seemed to think you could, and I hate to put it on you. You know Thomas J. will be to Jonesville more'n half his time, and our tower will be a long one." Says I, " visitin', as we shall all along the way to the Sentinal, it will be the longest tower ever gone off on by us, and I am afraid you'll be lonesome, sister Doodle, I am awful 'fraid you will." Says she: "Sister Samantha I want to be lonesome if it is a goin' to be any accomodation to you, it will be a real treat to me to be lonesome. I never seemed to feel so willin' to be lonesome in my hull life before." And as she wouldn't take no for an answer, it was settled that she should stay and keep house. A cleverer critter (considerin' her sense) never walked the earth than sister Doodle, and so I told Josiah. HOW SEREPTA CARRIED THE MEETIN' HOUSE. "N EVER did the year let a lovlier day slip offen his string (containin' jest 365) than the day my pardner and me set off on our tower Never did a brighter light rest upon a more peaceful realm and a serener wave, than that mornin' sun a shinin' down on our door-yard, and the crystal waters of the canal. Sweeter winds never blew out of the west, than the fresh mornin' breeze that sort o' hung round our bedroom winder where we was a fixin', and gently waved the table-cloth, as Sister Doodle shook it offen the back steps. And never, sense the Widder had been took in and done for by us, had she been in such spirits. We had hired Betsey Slimpsey knee Bobbet to do all the heaviest of the work, and the Widder seemed glad and light of heart. For though the fried ham which we had for breakfast, and the salt-suller, and the sugar-bowl, had all put her in mind of Doodle-and though reminessinces was brought up, 231 232 THE OUTFIT. and particulars was abroad, still she didn't weep a tear, but seemed to think of him and life with peace and resignation. When I got all ready to start, I looked well, and felt well. I had bought a bran new dress expressly for the occasion, a sort of a Quaker brown, or lead color. It was cotton and worsted, I don't know really what they do call it, but it was handsome, and very nice. It cost 18 pence per yard. It was made very fashionable; had a overskirt, and a cape all trimmed round the edge with a narrow strip of the same cut on the bias. Settin' out as I did as a martyr, I sot my foot down firmly on ruffles and puckers. But this straight and narrow strip cut crossways of the cloth and sot on plain, suited both my eyes and my principles. It was stitched on with my new sewin' machine. Almira Hagidone come to the house and made it for me-took her pay in white beans. The cape looked noble when it was finished, and I knew it would. I would have it cut to suit me. It didn't look flighty and frivolous, but it had a sort of a soarin', deep look to it. It rounded up in the back, and had long, noble tabs in front. Almira said tabs had gone out, and argued warm ag'inst 'em, but I told her I seemed to have a drawin' towards 'em, and finally I come right out and told her firmly; says I, "tabs I will have." So she give in and cut it tab fashion. I had another argument about my bunnet-I had GRATIFYING ONE'S TASTE. 233 my brown silk one done over. I had a frame made to order, for I was determined to have a bunnet that shaded my face some. I told the millener plainly that one of my night-caps-cut sheep's-head fashion-was far better to the head as a protector, than bunnets as wore by wimmen; so I give my orders, and stood by her till the frame was done; and it looked well. It was a beautiful shape behind, and had a noble, roomy look to it in front. And when I put it on, and my green veil was tied round it, and hung in long, graceful folds down on one side of it, it suited me to a T. I trimmed off the edges of my veil where it was frayed out, and hemmed it over, and run in a new lutestring-ribbin string, and it looked as good as new Havin' a cape like my dress, I didn't lay out to wear anything else round me on my tower, but I took my black silk mantilla along in case of need. There was enough left of my dress to make a new sheath for my umberell, and though some of the neighbors thought and said, (it came right straight back to me) that it was awful extravagant in me, 1 launched out and made it, and wasn't sorry I did. I am very tasty naturally, and love to see things correspond. I also bought me a new pair of cotton gloves-most the color of my dress, only a little darker so's not to show dirt-at an outlay of 27 and a j cents. Josiah was dressed up as slick as I was, and looked more trimmed off, and fancy, for he would wear that 234 THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY. red, white, and blue, neck-tie, though upheld by duty, 1 says to him " Josiah Allen, bald heads, and red and blue neckties don't correspond worth a cent; it is too dressy for you, Josiah Allen." I meant well, but as it is too often the case in this world-as all true Reformers know-my motives wasn't took as they was meant. And he says in a complainin' tone: " You haint willin' I should look dressy, Samantha, and you never was-that is the dumb of it." Says I firmly, " Stop swearin' at once, and instantly, Josiah Allen." And then as I see he was so awful sot on it, I said no more, and we started off in 2 excellent spirits-Josiah's spirits and mine. It was one good day's journey to Miss Elder Simmons'es, she that was Serepta Smith, and the top buggy assisted by the old mare bore us on nobly The colt's demeanor was like a horse's for morality and sobriety, and as the shades of night was a descendin' down, we drew near the place where we wanted to be. They lived about a quarter of a mile from the village of Shackville, and as we drew near the dwellin'-a smallish kind of a house, but comfortable lookin'-we see considerable of a procession a settin' towards the house. And says I to my companion, " I am afraid there is trouble ahead, Josiah." ELDER SIMMONS'ES HOUSE. 235 -- He said he guessed not; he had heard there was a convention at Elder Simmons'es church in Shackville, and he guessed these was delegates, a goin' to the minister's to stay AN Says he, "You know they can a lodge there without payin' for their lodge." And come to look at 'em again they was peaceable lookin' men, and most all of 'em had a satchel-bag in their hands. But how all of 'em was a goin' to stay all night in that Ow- house, was one of AN UNSOLVED MYSTERY. the mysteries to me, unless they had poles for 'em to roost on, or hung 'em up over nails on the wall, such a sight on 'em. And I spoke up to Josiah, and says I, " Our room will be better than our company here, Josiah Allen; less go back to Shackville and stay all night." " Wall," says he, " bime-by; we'll go in and tell Serepts we've come." 236 AUNT SAMANTHA'S NIECE. Says I, "I guess it wont be much of a treat to her to tell her anybody else has come, if she has got to take care of this drove of men," says I, " less go back to Shackville, and stay to the tarven." "Wall," says he, " bime-by, but we'll go in and tell Serepta we've come." I argued with him that it wouldn't be no treat to Serepta; but howsumever, she was awful tickled to see us-she always did think a sight of her Aunt Samantha. I s'pose one thing was, because I helped to bring her up on a bottle. Her father and mother both dyin' and leavin' her an orphan on both sides, she was brought up by the Smith family, on a bottle. Mother and I brought her part way up, and then other Smiths would take her and bring her up a spell. And so we kep' on till she was brought up. We sent her off to school, and done well by her, and she lived with mother and me two years right along jest before she was married. She was married to our house, and was as pretty as a doll. She was a little mite of a thing, but plump and round as a banty pullet. She had a fresh, rosy face, and big blue eyes that had a sort of a timid scareful look to 'em. She was a gentle babyish sort of a girl, but a master hand to do jest wlat she thought was her duty; and though she knew enough, anybody could make her think the moon was made of green sage cheese, she was that yieldin', and easy influenced, and A HUMAN BLOSSOM. 237 innocent-hearted. I thought a sight on her, and I said so to Elder Simmons the day they was married. SEREPTA SMITH. He was a good man, but dretful deep learnt, and ab. sent-minded. He says to me, says he: " She is jest as sweet as an apple blossom." His eyes was sot kind o' dreamily on the apple trees out in the orchard which was in full blow. 238 'ELDER SJIMMONS.~ " Yes," says I, "and jest as fraguile and tender;" says I, " the sweetest posys are the easiest nipped by the frost," says I, " nothin' looks more pitiful than a pink posy after the frosts have got holt of it," says I, "keep the frosts of unkindness, and neglect, and hard usage from our little apple blow that you have picked to-day and are a wearin' off on your heart, and may God bless you Brother Simmons," says I. (He was of the Methodist perswasion.) There wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head, as I said this, nor in hison. I thought a sight on her, and so did he. He thought enough on her I always said. But he was dretful absent-minded, and deep learnt. They stopped with us a week or two after they was married, and I hadn't laid eyes on 'em sense, though I had'heerd from 'em a number of times by letter; and then Uncle Eliphalet Smith had visited 'em, and he said she had to work awful hard, and the Elder was so absent-minded that it took a sight of her time to get him headed right. He'd go down suller lots of times, and bring up ag'inst the pork barrell, when he thought he was a goin' up into his study; and get on her stockin's and things, thinkin' they was hisen. And then he said she had the care of the meetin' house on her; had to sort o' carry the meetin' house. Shackville bein' a place where they thought the minister's wife belonged to 'em, as some other places do think besides Shackville. Ilowsumever, I didn't know any of these "NEEDS HEADIN' OFF." THE MINISTER'S WIFE. 241 things only by hearsay, until I arrove at her dwelling; then I knew by sight, and not by ear. As I first looked on her face, I couldn't help thinkin' of what I told Elder Simmons the mornin' he was married; for never did a apple blow show more signs of frost and chill after an untimely storm, than did the face of she that was Serepta Smith. Her cheeks was as white and pale as a posy blown down on the frosty ground, and her eyes had the old timid, scareful look, and under that, whole loads of care and anxiety, and weariness, and over all her face was the old look I remembered so well-only 100 times stronger-of wantin' to do jest right, and jest what everybody wanted her to do. As I said, she was awful tickled to see us. But she was so full of care, and anxiety, and work, she couldn't hardly speak to us. She hadn't no girl, and was tryin' to get supper for that hull drove of men, and hadn't much to do with, for the Elder after spendin' his hull life and strength in tryin' to keep 'em straight in this world and gettin' 'em headed straight towards the next, couldn't get his pay from the Shackvillians. Her childern was a follerin' her round-her husband needin' headin' off every moment or two, he was that absent-minded. I declare, I never was sorrier for anybody than I was for Serepta. And then right on top of her other sufferin's, every time she would come into the settin'-room, one tall.60 242 MAN'S NATURE UNVEILED. minister with a cadavery look and long yeller whiskers would tackle her on the subject of religion, tryin' to get her to relate her experience, right there, and tellin' of her hisen. That seemed to wear on her the most of anything, a wantin' to use him well, and knowin' her supper was a spilein', and her infant babes demandin' her attention, and her husband a fumblin' round in the suller way, or buttery, needin' headin' off. Truly, in the words of the Sammist, " there is a time for things, and a place for 'em," and it seemed as if he might have known better But he was one of the kind that will talk. And there lie sot lookin' calm and cadavery, a pullin' his old yeller whiskers, and holdin' her tight by the reins of her good manners, a urgin' her to tell her experience, and tellin' of her hisen. I declare, I'd been glad to have laid holt of his old yeller whiskers myself, I was that out of patience with him, and I'll bet he'd a felt it if I had. Finally I spoke up and says I: " Set right down and relate your experience, Serepta." Says I, "What is vittles compared to instructive and edifyin' conversation." Says I, " I wouldn't try to get a mite of supper to-night." Knowin' what I do know, divin' deep into the heights and depths of men's naters as I have doven, I knew that this would break Serepta's chains. She wasn't exhorted any more. She had time to get their AN OVERFLOWING HOUSE. 243 suppers. And I laid to and helped her all 1 could. I got two of the infant babes to sleep, and give the two biggest boys some candy, and headed him off once or twice, and eased her burdens all I could. But she was dretful worried where to put 'em to sleep. The hard and wearisome task of gettin' 17 men into three beds without layin' 'em on top of each other, was a wearin' on her. And she was determined to have Josiah and me stay too. She said she was used to jest such a house full, and she should get along. Says I, mildly but firmly, " Serepta I haint a goin' to sleep on the buttery shelves, nor I don't want you to, it is dangerous. Josiah and me will get a lodgement to the tarven in Shackville, and lodge there. And to-morrow when the crowd gets thinned out, we will come back and make our visit." She told us not to go; she said there was a corner of the parlor that wasn't occupied, and she had blankets enough, she could make us comfortable. Says I, "Hang on to the corner yourself, Serepta, if you can. Josiah and me have made up our 2 minds. We are goin' to the tarven." Says Josiah-for he seemed to think it would comfort her--" We'll come back again Serepta, we'll come back bime-by" The next day early in the forenoon, A. M., we arrove again at Serepta's dwellin'. She had jest got the last 244 MISS HORN AND OTHER VISITORS. man of the drove started off, but she was tusslin' with two colporters and an agent for a Bible Society. And two wimmen set by ready to grapple her as soon as the men started off. One of 'em had a sort of a mournful look, and the other was as hard a lookin' woman as I ever see. She was fearfully humbly, but that haint why I call her hard lookin' I don't lay up her humbleness ag'inst her, knowin' well that our faces haint made to order. But she looked hard, as if her nater was hard as a rock; and her heart, and her disposition, and everything. She had a large wart on her nose, and that also looked hard as a gravel stun, and some like it. She had a few long whiskers growin' out under her chin, and I couldn't help wonderin' how anything in the line of vegetation could grow out of such a grannyt soil. After lookin' at her a half minute it didn't surprise me a mite to hear that her name was Horn, Miss Horn. I see these two wimmen look round the house examinin' everything as close as if they was goin' to be swore about it to a justice to save their lives. Serepta hadn't had time to wash a dish, nor sweep a single sweep, and her childern wasn't dressed. And I heerd Miss Horn hunch the other, one with her large, bony knuckles, and whisper: " She lays abed shamefully late, sometimes. The smoke rose out of her chimbly this mornin' at exactly 17 minutes past 6, jest an hour and two minutes earlier SOMETHING WRONG. 246 - - -- than it was yesterday mornin', and half an hour and twenty seconds earlier than it was the mornin' before that." "Gettin' up and burnin' out the wood the meetin' house furnishes for 'em, and not a dish washed. It is a shame," says the other woman. "A shame!" says Miss Horn. "It is a burnin' shame, for a minister's wife, that ort to be a pattern MISS HORN. to the meetin' house. And she can't find time to go a visitin' and talk about her neighbors' affairs. When anybody don't feel like visitin', and talkin' about their neighbors' doin's, it is a sign there is sunthin' wrong about 'cm. There haint a thing done in the neighborhood but what I am knowin' to; not a quarrel for the last twenty years but what I have had my hand in 10 246 WHAT MISS HORN WAS WILLING TO DO. it. I am ready to go a visitin' every day of my life, and see what is goin' on. Ihaint too haughty and proud spirited to go into back doors without knockin' and see what folks are a doin' in their kitchens, and what they are a talkin' about when they think nobody is round. And it shows a haughty, proud spirit, when anybody haint willin' to go round and see what they can see in folks'es housen, and talk it over with the other neighbors." Says the mournful woman, " I heard Bill Danks'es wife say the other day, that she thought it looked queer to her, her visitin' the poor members of the church jest as often as she did the rich ones. She thoughtBill's wife did-that it looked shiftless in her." " She is shiftless," says Miss Horn. "She acts dretful sort o' pleasant," says the other woman, " seems willin' to accomidate her neighbors, stands ready to help 'em in times of trouble, and seems to treat everybody in a lady-like, quiet way; but I persume it is all put on." "Put on! I know it is put on," says Miss Horn, " She has got a proud, haughty soul, or she would be willin' to do as the rest of us do." And then she stopped whisperin' for half a minute and looked round the house again, and hunched the other woman, and whispered-" For a minister's wife that ort to be a pattern, such housekeepin' is shameful." And the Bible agent spoke up jest then, and says " IT DON'T LOOK WELL." 247 he, "Of course, as a minister's wife and a helper in Israel, you are willin' to give your time to us, and bear our burdens." And Serepta sithed and said she was-and she meant it too. I declare, it was all I could do to keep my peace. But I am naterally very close-mouthed, so I kep' still. Serepta couldn't hear what the wimmen said, for she was a tryin' with that anxious face of hern to hear every word the Bible agent had to say, and to try to do jest what was right by the colporters. And the mournful lookin' woman hunched Miss Horn, and says she," Jest see how she listens to them men. She seems to talk to 'em jest as free as if they was wimmen. It may be all right, but it don't look well. And how earnest they are a talkin' to her; they seem to sort o' look up to her, as if she was jest about right. Men don't have no such a sort of a respectful, reverential look onto their faces when they are a talkin' to you or me; they don't look up to us in no such sort of a way There may be nothin' wrong in it, but it don't look well. It would almost seem as if they was after her " "After her! I know they are after her, or else they wouldn't be a talkin' to her so respectful, and she is after them that is plain to be seen, or else she wouldn't be a listenin' to 'em just as quiet and composed as if they was wimmen. A right kind of a 248 HOW A RIGHT KIND OF A WOMAN LOOKS. woman has a sort of a mistrustin' look to 'em, when they are a talkin' to men; they have a sort of a watchful turn to their eye, as if they was a lookin' out for 'enm, lookin' out for sunthin' wrong. I always have that look onto me, and you can see that she haint a mite of it. See her set there and talk. If ever a woman was after a man she is after them three men." 1 couldn't have sot and heerd another word of their envious, spiteful, low-lived gossip, without bustin' right out on, the spot, and speakin' my mind before 'em all, so I baconed the childern out into Serepta's room, and washed and dressed 'em, and then I took holt and put on her dish-water and bilt a fire under it, for it had gone out while she was a tusslin' with them agents. When I went back into the sittin'room again, I see the colporters had gone, and the wimmen had tackled her. They wanted her to join a new society they had jest got up, "The Cumberin' Marthas." Serepta's face looked awful troubled, her mind a soarin' off I knew out into the kitchen, amongst her dishes that wasn't washed, and her infant babes, and I could see she was a listenin' to see if she could hear anything of her husband, and whether he needed headin' off. But she wanted to do jest right, and told 'em so. " She would join it, if the church thought it was her duty to, though as she belonged to fourteen different THE "CUMBERIN' MARTHAS." 249 societies now, she didn't know really when she could git time-" "11 Time!" says Miss Horn. " I guess there is time enough in the world to do duties. 'Go to the ant thou sluggard consider her ways and be wise.'" And as she repeated this line of poetry, she groaned some, and rolled up the whites of her eyes. Serepta's face looked red as blood, but she didn't answer a word back. Serepta Simmons is a Christian. I believe it as much as I believe I am J. Allen's wife. And I spoke right up and says I: " Bein' a searcher after information, and speakin' as a private investigater, and a woman that has got a vow on her, I ask what are the Marthas expected to do? " Says Miss Horn, " They are expected to be cum. bered all the time with cares; to be ready any time, day or night, to do anything the public demands of 'em; to give all their time, their treasure if they have got any, and all the energies of their mind and body to the public good, to be cumbered by it in any and every way " Says I, " Again, I ask you as a private woman with a vow, aint it hard on the Marthas?" She said it was; but she was proud to be one of 'em, proud to be cumbered. And she said-givin' Serepta a awful searchin' look-" That when a certain person that ort to be a pattern, and a burnin' and 250 WHAT HOME MEANS. a shinin' light, wouldn't put their name down, there was weaker vessels that it would be apt to break into-it would make divisions and sisms." That skairt Serepta and she was jest about puttin' her name down, but she couldn't help murmurin' sunthin' about time, " afraid I won't have time to do jest right by everybody " " Time!" says Miss Horn, scornfully and angrily," Time! 'Go to the ant thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise.'" But jest as Miss Horn was a finishin' repeatin' her poetry, and before Serepta liad time to put her name down, all of a sudden the door opened, and another great tall woman marched in. I noticed there didn't none of 'em knock, but jest opened the door and stalked in, jest as if the minister's house, as well as he and his wife belonged to 'em and they had a perfect right to stream in every minute. I declare, it madded me, for I say if home means anything it means a place where anybody can find rest, and repose and freedom from unwelcome intrusion. And I say, and I contend for it, that I had jest as lives have anybody steal anything else from me, as to steal my time and my comfort. There probable haint a woman standin' on feet at the present age of the world, (with or without vows on 'em) that is more horsepitable, and gladder to see her friends than Samantha Allen, late Smith. Tlere are those, whose presence is more EXHORTATION TO BE NEIGHBORLY 251 restful, and refreshin' and inspirin', than the best cup of tea or coffee that ever was drunk. The heart, soul, and mind send out stronger tendrils that cling closer and firmer even than some of the twigs of the family tree. Kindred aims, hopes, and sympathies are a closer tie than 4th cousin. There is help, inspiration and delight in the presence of those who are more nearly and truly related to us than if they was born on our father's or mother's side unbeknown to them. And friends of our soul, it would be a hard world indeed, if we could never meet each other. And I would advise Serepta as a filler of the bottle she was brought up on, and a wellwisher, to visit back and forth occasionally, at proper times and seasons, and neighbor considerable with all wlo might wish to neighbor, be they aliens or friends, Horns or softer material. Standin' firm and steadfast, ready to borry and lend salaratus, clothes-pins, allspice, bluein' bags, and etcetery, and in times of trouble, standin' by 'em like a rock, and so 4th. The Bible says, "Iron sharpeneth iron, so does a man the countenance of his friend." But in the words of the Sammist (slightly changed), there is a time for visitin' and a time for stayin' to home. A time to neighbor, and a time to refrain from neighborin',-a time to talk, and a time to write sermons, wash dishes, and mop out the kitchen. And what I would beware Miss Horn and the rest of 'em is, of 252 WHAT THE SHACKVILLIANS THOUGHT. sharpenin' that " iron " so uncommon sharp that it will cut friendship right into in the middle; or keep on sharpenin' it, till they git such a awful fine pint on it, that before they know it, it will break right off so blunt that they can't never git an age put on it again. They ort to respect and reverence each other's individuality--(That is a long hefty word, but I have got it all right, for I looked it out in Thomas Jefferson's big dictionary, see what it meant, and spelt it all out as I went along; nobody need to be afraid of sayin' it jest as I have got it down.) Because Miss Horn, and the rest of 'em git lonesome, they hadn't ort to inflict themselves and their gossip onto a busy man or woman who don't git lonesome. Good land! if anybody lays holt of life as they ort to, they haint no time to be lonesome. Now Serepta Simmons meant well, and liked her neighbors, and their childern, and wanted to treat 'em friendly and handsome. But she hankered dretfully after havin' a home of her own, and not livin' with 'em all premiscous (as it were.) But they wouldn't let her; she didn't have a minute she could call her own. The Shackvillians seemed to think she belonged to 'em, jest as much as the clock on the meetin' house did, and they perused her every minute jest as they did that. It made her feel curious, sunthin' as if she was livin' out doors, or in an open cage in the menagery way. ANOTHER CALLER. 253 They flocked in on her all the hull time without knockin', at all times of the day and night, before breakfast, and after bedtime, and right along through the day, stiddy; watchin' her with as keen a vision as if she was a one-eyed turkey carried round for a sideshow; findin' fault with everything she did or didn't do, inflictin' their gossip on her, and collectin' all they could to retail to other folks'es housen, watchin' every motion*she made, and commentin' on it in public; catchin' every little word she dropped in answer to their gossipin' remarks, and addin' and swellin' out that little word till it wouldn't know itself it was so different, and then repeatin' it on the house tops (as it were). I declare, it madded me to see a likely woman so imposed upon, and I thought to myself, if it was me, I should ruther have 'em steal pork right out of my pork barrell, than to have 'em steal my peace and comfort. But as I was sayin', this woman come in right through the back door without knockin', as independent as you please, and as she sot down she looked all round the house so's to remember how everything looked, so's to tell it again, though Serepta wasn't no more to blame than a babe two or three hours old, for her work not bein' done up. I see that this woman glared at Miss Horn, and Miss Horn glared back at her, and I knew in a minute she was gittin' up 10* 254 THE " WEEPIN' MARYS." another society. And so it turned out. She wanted Serepta to head the list of the " Weepin' Marys" a opposition party to the " Cumberin' Marthas." Serepta looked as if she would sink. But I spoke right up, for I was determined to take her part. And says I, " Mom, I am of a investigatin' turn, and am collectin' information on a tower, and may I ask as a well-wisher to the sect, what job has the 'Weepin' Marys' got ahead of 'em. What are they expected to tackle? " says I in a polite way. Says she, "They are expected to spend the hull of their time, day and night, a learnin', pryin' into docterines, and studyin' on some way to ameliorate the condition of the heathen, and the African gorillas." Says I, "In them cases if Serepta jines 'em, what chance would the Elder run of gittin' anything to eat, or Serepta, or the childern?" "Eatin'," says she, " what is eatin' compared to a knowledge of the docterines and the condition of the perishin' heathen? " "But," says I in reasonable axents, "folks have got to eat or else die-and if they haint able to hire a girl, they have got to cook the vittles themselves or else they'll perish, and die jest as dead as a dead heathen." Speakin' about Serepta's time, always seemed to set Miss Horn off onto her poetry, and she repeated again,-" Go to the ant-" SAMANTHA ACTS ON THE OFFENSIVE. 255 But I interrupted of her, and says I, " You have advised Serepta several times to go to her aunt and be wise. I am her aunt, and I motion she falls in with the advice you have give her, in a handsome way. I advise her to do up.ir work. And I advise you to clear out, all of you and give her a chance to wash her dishes, and nurse her babies, and get her dinner " For truly dinner time was approachin'. They acted mad, but they started off. Serepta's face was as white as a white cotton sheet, as she seen 'em go, she was that skairt, b,'t I kep' pretty cool and considerable firm, for I see she needed a friend. I laid to and helped her do up her work, and git her dinner, And she owned up to me that her work wouldn't seem to be nothin' to hei if she could have her house and her time to herself some. I see plain, that she was a carryin' the hull meetin' house on her back, though she didn't say so. I could see that she dassant say her soul was her own, 3he was so afraid of offendin' the flock. She happened to say to me as: e was a wa3hin' up the dishes, how much she wanted a new dress. Her uncle had give her the money to git one, and she wanted it the worst way. "Why don't you git it then? ' says I. " Oh," says she, " the church don't like to have me git anything to wear, and they make so many speeches about my bein' extravagant, and breakin' fown my 256 SEREPTA'S POSITION DEFINED. husband's influence, and settin' a wicked example of extravagance, and ruinin' the nation, that I can't bear to git a rag of clothes to wear" " Well," says I calmly wipin' the butter plate, " if you feel like that, I don't see anything to hinder you from goin' naked. I don't s'pose they would like that." "Oh no," says she, ready to burst out a cryin' "They don't like it if I haint dressed up slick. They say I am a stumblin' block, if I haint as dressy as the other minister's wife." Says I, " Serepta you are in a bad spot. You seem to be in the same place the old drunkard's wife was. He said he'd 'whip Sally if supper was ready,' and he'd 'whip Sally if it wasn't.'" " Yes," says she, " that is just where I stand. They say I am a pattern for the church to foller, and so I must be all the time away from home a workin' for the heathen and missionary societies, for a minister's wife must 'be given to good works.' And I must at the same time be to home all the time a workin' and "a takin' care of my family, 'For Sarah kept the tent.' I have got to be to home a encouragin' my husband all the time, 'a holdin' up his arms,' like Aaron and Hur, and I have got to be away all the time, a 'holdin' up the ark.' I have got to be to home a lettin' out my little boy's pantaloons, and at the same time away 'enlargin' the borders of Zion.' I have got to SAMANTHA DETERMINES TO ACT 257 give all my time to convertin' the heathen or ' woe be to me,' and have got to be to home all the time a takin' care of my own household, or I am 'worse than an infidel.' And amongst it all," says she, "there is so much expected of me, that I git sometimes so worn out and discouraged I don't know what to do." And Serepta's tears gently drizzled down into the dish-water, for she was a washin', and I was a wipin' I rubbed away on a pie plate, a musin' in deep thought, and then I segested this to her, in pretty even tones, but earnest and deep: "Did you ever try a mindin' your own business, and makin' other folks mind theirn? " " No," says she meekly. And she sithed as deep as I ever heerd any one sithe. " I mind my business pretty well," says she, " but I never tried to make other folks mind theirn. I wasn't strong enough." "Well," says I, "before I leave this place, I lay out to make a change." Says I, "many is the time I have filled the bottle you was brought up on, and 1 haint a goin' to stand by and see you killed. And before I leave Shackville, the meetin' house has got to git offen your back, or I'll know the reason why " She looked considerable skairt, but I could see it made ler feel better to liave somebody to sort o' lean on. And as we finished our dishes, (tlhe buttery was full on 'ern, she hadn't had time to half wash 'em the night before,) she went on and told more of her troubles to me. f 258 MINISTERS NEED "BEAUTIFUL FEET." She said her husband bein' a handsome man, the other wimmen in the church naturally took to him. She said there wasn't a jealous hair in the hull of ler back hair, or foretop, and her husband's morals was known to her to be sound as sound could be, and she said he didn't like it no better than she did, this bein' follered up so uncommon close by 'em. She said it was kinder wearin' on her to see it go on. But she meant to be reasonable, knowin' that ministers was always took to by wimmen. "Took to! " says I. "I should think as much!" Says I, " Wimmen are as flat as pancakes in some things, and this is one of 'em. I have seen a pack of wimmen before now, a actin' round a minister, till their actin' was jest as good as thoroughwort to my stomach, jest as sickenin' " Says I, " I don't wonder that the 'postle spoke about how beautiful minister's feet was. I don't wonder that he mentioned their feet in particular, for if ever there was a set of men that needed good feet in a world full of foolish wimmen, it is them." But Serepta sithed, and I see that she was a carryin' the meetin' house, (as it were.) I see that Miss Horn was on her mind, and I pitted her. She said Miss Horn was the hardest cross she had to bear. She said she would watch her chimbly for hours, to see what time they got up. And havin' the newraligy a good deal, and settin' up with it, watchin' with that HOW MISS HORN STOOD GUARD. 259 and her babies, she sometimes slept till late in the miornin' And her husband would git his brain so completely rousted up a writin' his sermons that he couldn't quell it down, and git it quieted off so's to rest any till most mornin' And she said Miss Horn and her hired girl would rise at daybreak and watch her chimbly, one hour on, and one hour off, till they see the smoke come out of it, and then one of 'em would sally out to tell the exact minute to the neighborhood, while the other got the breakfast. They didn't try to do anything else only jest cook, and tend to Serepta and the other neighbors. And their gittin' up so early, give 'em a chance to git their housework done, and then have as many as seven hours apiece left to gossip round the neighborhood. They made it profitable, dretful, as Miss Horn told Serepta ihe despised lazyness. But Serepta said it made her feel curious, when they would come in and tell her the exact minute the smoke of her cook stove rose upward, for she--bein' in the habit of goin' to work when she did git updidn't have much time to devote to the pursuit of smoke. She said it was sort o' wearin' on her, not so much on the account of their callin' her lazy, which she expected and looked out for, but it made her feel as if it was war time, and she was one of the enemy. She said to think their eyes was on her chimbly jest as soon as the sun was up, a watchin' it so close, it 260 A BLAST ON A HORN. give her a as curious a feelin' as she ever felt, she felt somehow as if she was under the military. She said she felt as if she was a tory more'n half the time, on this very account; it wore on her considerable. " Why don't you spunk up Serepta Simmons," says I, "and tell Miss Horn and the rest of 'em, that when you git so that you haint nothin' else to do but watch other folks'es chimblys, you will hire out for a scarecrow, and so earn a respectable livin', and be somebody?" "Oh," says she, "Miss Horn wouldn't like it if I did." " Like it!" says I. "I don't s'pose asalt and batterers love to be took up and handled for their asaltin'," and says I, " I had jest as lives have my body salted and battered, as to have my feelin's. Oh!" says I almost wildly, " if I had the blowin' up of that Horn, I'd give it such a blast, that there would be no need of soundin' on it again for years." I spoke almost incoherently, for I was agitated to an extreme degree. But Serepta went on to say that she had "gained thirteen ounces of flesh last winter, in one month. Miss Horn had been a visitin' to Loontown to a brother's who had died and left her quite a property." And says she, " I did hear that she was goin' to be married to a widower up there, but I don't s'pose there is any such good news for me as that. I haint dared to lot on it much, knowin' well what a world of morrow and HOMELY DUTIES. 261 affliction this is, and knowin' that freedom and happiness haint much likely to ever be my lot. I s'posc the chimbly and I have got to be watched jest as long as we both live." But she didn't have no time to multiply any more words, for as we looked out of the buttery winder, we see her husband a walkin' slowly along backwards and forwards with his hands under his coat tails, a composin' a sermon, as I s'posed. But as we looked, he forgot himself, and come up bunt ag'inst the barn, and hit himself a awful blow on his forward, Serepta started off on the run to tend to him and head him off. But that very afternoon I had a chance to speak my mind, and break her chains. Serepta and I was a settin' there as contented and happy as you please, for Serepta was a master land to love her home, and would have give the best ear she had, for the priviledge of bein' let alone to make a happy home for them she loved, and take care of 'em. She was a mendin' her 2 boys' clothes, for they was as ragged as injuns, though truly as the poet observes,-" she was not to blame." And I also was a tryin' in my feeble way to help her and put a seat into the biggest little boy's pantaloons, we had got 'em to bed for that purpose. And as we sot and worked, we could hear 'ern in the room overhead, a throwin' the pillers, and talkin' language that for minister's childern was 262 A FRESH ATTACK. scandelous-for she Lad had to let 'em run loose, though to quote again the words of the poet,-" slie was not to blame," havin' got it into her head that it was her duty to carry the meetin' house. Well, as I was a sayin', we was a settin' there, when all of a sudden, without no warnin' of no kind, the door opened without no rappin' on it, or anything, and in walked what I supposed at the time, was the hull mectin' house; I was so wild at first as I beheld 'em, that I almost expected to see 'em bring in tlhe steeple. I was skairt. But I found by strict measurement, when my senses come back, that there wasn't only sixteen wimmen, and two cliildern and one old deacon I heerd afterwards, that he was the only man they could git to come with 'em to labor with Serepta. (IHe was old as the hills, and dretful childish, so they got round him.) Men has their faults. None can be more deeply sensible of that great truth than I am, as I often tell Josiahl. But truly, so far as gossip and meddlin' and interferin' with your neighbor's business is concerned, wimmen is fur ahead of the more opposite sect. It is mysterious that it slould be so, but so it is, factorum. Serepta looked white as a white ghost, and ready to sink right down through the floor into the suller, for from past experience she knew they had come to labor with her. But I held firm as any rock you can bring k 1 77 * AN UP.STAIRS ARGUMENT. 265 up, Plymouth, or Bunker Hill, or any of 'em. And when they glared at me, thank fortin I was enabled to do what duty and inclination both called on me to do, and glare back at 'em, and do a good job in the line o' glarin' too. They seemed to be as mad at me as they was at Serepta, and madder But I wasn't afraid of any on 'em, and when they all commenced talkin' to once, a complainin' of Serepta and her doin's and her not doin's, my principles enabled me to look at 'em through my specks with a scornful mean that would have spoke louder than words if they had understood anything of the language of means. Finally they all got to talkin' together, a complainin' "Why didn't she jine the' Cumberin' Marthas?' Why couldn't she head the 'Weepin' Marys?' Why don't she take more interest in the female fellah's of Cairo? Why don't she show more enthusiasm about the heathens and gorillas?" Just then I heerd the biggest little boy swear like a pirate, and kick the other one out of bed, and I spoke coldly, very coldly: "She'll have a span of gorillas of her own pretty soon if she haint allowed no time to take care on 'em, she wont have to go to Africa for 'em, either;" says I, "Serepta will show you some male fellahs that will need more help than any of your female ones, bime-by; she will give you a good job in the 266 ANOTHER ALLEGORY. line of heathens to convert in a few years, if things go on as they are a goin' on now." With that, Serepta burst right out, and wept and cried, and cried and wept. It affected me awfully, and I spoke right up, and says I "I Heathens are first rate themes to foller, but there is different ways of follerin' 'em," says I, " some will set their eyes on a heathen in Africa, and foller him so blindly that there can be ten heathens a caperin' right round 'em to home, and they won't see none on 'em." And then I felt so, that I allegoried some, right there on the spot. Says I "After a big snow-storm, it may seem noble and grand to go round sweepin' off meetin' housen and etcetery; but in my opinion, duty would call on a man first, to make a path to the well for his own family, and the barn, then shovel round freely, where duty called. What good does it do to go off in foreign pastures a cuttin' down thistle tops, when you are a raisin' a big crop of 'em to home for somebody else to be scratched by? What advantage to the world at large is it, if a woman converts one heathen way off in India, and at the same time by neglect, and inattention and carelessness, raises a crop of seven of 'em in her own house. My advise to such would beand so would Josiah's-work in the garden God set you over. Try by earnest care and prayer, untirin' diligent culture and, if need be, an occasional rakin' down, PLAIN TALK. 267 to keep your own heathen crop down to the lowest possible state, and then after you have done this, do all you can for other heathens promiscous." But they glared at Serepta more glarin' than they had before, and says,Miss Horn:-" She wont do nothin'; she is shiftless." And then I spoke out in tremblin' tones, I was so agitated: "Serepta is my own niece on my father's side, and I helped to bring her up on a bottle, and she didn't nurse a cast-iron strength and a leather constitution out of it as some of you seem to think she did," says I, "such is not the nature of cow's milk, neither is it the nature of bottles." Says I, " If she has got a tender, timid, lovin' disposition, and one that is easily influenced, so much the more pity for her in this state, that Shackville has called her to be in. But as it is, she is willin' to be killed, and you with probable religious intentions are willin' to kill her." Oh how they glared at me; but I kep' on as firm as Gibbralter: " Her husband is a good man, and thinks enough of her; but he is deep learnt and absent-minded, and needs headin' off. And when he is walkin' by himself through the shady lanes and crooked pathways of the docterines and creeds, and so on, and so 4th; when he is tryin' to stand up straight with one foot on Genesis, and the other on geoligy, tryin' his best to break a path through the wilderniss of beliefs a road 268 AN EXCELLENT EXAMPLE FOR WOMEN. that shall lead his hearers straight to heaven's gate; with all this on his hands, how can he be expected to keep his eye every minute on the little woman by his side. How can he, when he is absent-minded, and needs headin' off, how can he be expected to know whether the meetin' house is a carryin' her, or she is a carryin' the meetin' house." Says I, "Serepta Simmons is a Christian woman, and if she has time to spare after taken' care of them that Providence has placed in her keepin', she would be willin' to do what she could for other heathen nations, and tribes, it would be her duty and her priviledge. " But," says I, " because Serepta's husband is hired out to you for 200 and 50 dollars a year, you have no more right to control Serepta's actions, and time, than you have to order round that old stun female that keeps house by herself out in Egypt by the pyramids. I can't think of her name, but howsunmever it haint no matter; I wish Serepta had some of her traits, a good firm stun disposition, that couldn't be coaxed nor skairt into bearin' burdens enough to break down seven winmen. I'd love to see you order old what's-her-name round, I'd love to see you make her do all the housework and sewin' for a big family, head off a deep learnt, absent-minded husband, take care of five infant childern, and carry round a meetin' house. She's kep' a stiddy head on her shoulders and minded her own business for centuries, and so is a THE FOE ROUTED. 369 pattern for some other wimmen I know of, to foller" Oh how that madded 'em, and Miss Horn spoke up and says she: "We have got a claim on her, and we'll let you know we have." Says I, " The meetin' house pays Elder Simmons 200 and 50 dollars, and so has got a claim on him, and how much does it lay out to pay Serepta; how much does it lay out to give her for the comin' year?" "C Not one cent," screamed out Miss Horn in skairt, excited axents. "Not one cent," says nine other wimmen and the old deacon. Then says I, risin' up on my feet and waviii' my hand out nobly: "Clear out, the hull caboodle of you, and " I added in still firmer, nobler axents, " if the meetin' house don't leggo of Serepta, I'll make it leggo." I s'pose my mean was that awful and connnandin' tlat it filled 'em with awe, and affright. They started right off, almost on the run, two able-bodied wimmen takin' the old deacon between 'em. * * * * * -* * I had #letter from Serepta yesterday She is a gettiin' along first rate, her time is lier own, her childern are gettin' more'n half civilized; and she has gained a pound a week. A VISIT TO PHILANDER SPICER'SES FOLKS. K NOWIN' that Philander Spicers'es folks was well off, and wouldn't be put to it for things to wait on us, we thought we wouldn't write to tell 'em we was a comin', but give 'em a happy surprise. They owned five hundred acres of land, and had oceans of money out at interest. Well, it was about the middle of the afternoon, Ir M. when we arrove at their dwellin' place. It was a awful big, noble lookin' house, but every winder and winder blind was shut up tight, and it looked lonesome, and close; but I liaint one to be daunted, so I stepped up and rung at thle bell. Nobody come. Then I rung at it again, and Josiali took my umberell and kinder rapped on the door with it, pretty considerable loud, and then a dejected lookin' man hollered at us from the barn door, and says he: "You wont get in there." 270 AROUND TO THE BACK DOOR. 271~ Says I, " Why not, is it the hoiwse ofi nournin'?2.) says I; for there was smuthin' strange an d inclauchofly in his tone. "Because you might let in a fly," says he. He didn't say nothin' more, but stood a lookin' at us dretful dejected and melancholly-like, and Josiah and nie stood lookin' at hlim, and we felt curious, very. But pretty soon I found and recovered myself, and I says in pretty firm tones: "1If Mahala Spicer, she that was Mahala Allen lives here, I lay out to see her before I leave these premnises." " Well," says the man, "foller up that Pat i roun d the back side of the house, and you'll find her, wve live in the wood-house." As lie said that, lie seemed to kinder git over into the manger, and I laid holt of Josiahi, and says I "11 That man is Philander Spicer, and he hias seen trouble."' "Bein' a married man he might expect to-" "Expect to witat Josiah Allen?" says I, lookin' at him with a mean that was like a icicle for stiffness and coolness. "O h! I meant he might expect to lay up property. What a big house! I declare Samantha, I haint seen so biz- and nice a house sense we left Jonesville." And truly, it was awful big and nice, big enough for half a dozen families, but it was slhet up fearfully close and tight, as tighit as if air and sunshine and Josiah and me was deadly pisen. And as we moane 11 272 THE SPICER CHILDREN. dered on round the house by winder after winder and door after door, shet up as tight as glass and blinders could make 'em, I'll be hanged if it didn't seem some as if it was war time, and Josiah and me was two Hessian troopers, a tryin' to break in and couldn't. At last, way on the back side of the house, we come to a little ood-house built on, and there we see the first sign of life. The door was open and three little childern sot out in a row by the side of the house, on a clean board. They looked lonesome, they was ruffled off dretful nice, and their shoes shone like glass bottles, but they looked awful old and careworn in their faces. "Does Mahala Spicer, she that was Mahala Allen live here?" says I to the oldest one. She looked in her face as if she might be a hundred years of age, but from her size she wasn't probable more'n nine or nine and a half. " Yes mom," says she, sort o' turnin' her eyes at me, but she never moved a mite. Says I, "Is she to home " " Yes mom." Says I, "Speakin' as a investigator, what are you settin' there all in a row for? Why haint you out a playin' in the yard this nice day I" As I mentioned the idee of playin', their faces, as long as they was before, lengtlhened out awfully aad the two youngest ones kicked right out. ýi Yý All p I RUFFLES. LIVIN' IN THE WOOD HIOUSE. 275 " Mother wont let us play," says the oldest one in bitter axents. "She says we should muss up our ruffies, and rip off the knife pleatin's." " Get our shoes dusty," says the next one in vicious tones. " Tear our over-skirts," says the four year old in loud angry axents, and again she kicked right out, and every one of 'em looked bitterly mad, and inorbihl, a morbider lot of faces I never laid eyes on. I didnj't say nothin' more, but I looked at Josiah, and Josi.h looked at me; we felt curious. But anon, or pretty near that time, I found and recovered myself and so did Josiah, and we walked up to the door and knocked. " Come in," says a voice in a kind of a sharp tone, as if the owner of the voice was awful busy and careworn. So I and my companion walked in. It was as comfortable a room as wood-houses generally be, but of course there wasn't much grandeur to it. There was about a dozen clean boards laid along one side for a floor and on it a cook stove was sot, and right by it was a sewin' machine, and Mahala set by it a sewin'. But I'll be hanged if I could see in that minute, one of Mahala Spicer'ses old looks; she looked so thin and care-worn and haggard. And if slie is one of thie relations on Josiah side, I'll say, and I'll stick to it that she looked as cross as a bear I shouldn't have had no idee who she was, if 1 hladn't seen her tlere. Sihe knew Josiah and me in a; minute for-though I do say it that shouldn't-folks say 276 A MODEL HOUSEKEEPER. that my companion Josiah, and myself do hold our looks wonderful. And bein' (sometimes) so affectionate towards each other in our demeanor, we have several tines been took for a young married couple. I should judge tlere was from half a bushel to three pecks of ruffles and knife pleatin's that lay round her sewin' machine and in her lap; but she got up and shook hands with us and iiivited us to take our things off. And then she said, bein' as we was such near relations, (all in the family as it were,) she would ask us to set right down where we was; it bein' fly time, she had got the rest of the house all shet up tight; had jest got it cleaned out from top to bottom, and she wanted to keep it clean. I didn't say nothin', bein' one that is pretty close mouthed naturally, but I kep' up considerable of a thinkin' in my mind. After we sot down, she give a kind of a anxious look onto the floor, and she see a little speck of dirt that had fell off of Josiah's boots, and first we knew slie was a wipin' it up with a irop. Josiah felt as clieap as the dirt, I know he did, and cheaper; but he didn't say notlhin', nor I nuther. Slie said then, if we'd excuse her she'd keep right on with her work, because she had got dretful behindhand in ruffles. Slie said it kep' her every minute of her spare time to work a rmakin' ruffles in order to keer hlerself decent, and make the childern keep up witl other folks'es childern. So she nipped to and worked away dretfully, and every time the door RUFFLES AND FLIES. 277 opened she would look up with such a wild anxious gaze, horrified seeminly, for fear a fly would git in, and every time Josiah or her husband (that man at the barn did prove to be her husband) would move, she would run after 'em, and wipe 'em up with a mop. It was a curious time as I ever see in my life. Sle didn't seem to sense anything only ruffles and such like. Her mind all seemed to be narrowed down and puckered up, jest like trimmin', nothin' free and soarin' about it at all-though she would talk some about fly time, and how hard it was to keep 'em out of the house, and once she asked me which I preferred for mops, rags or tow. I tried to make talk with her; and says I, in a real friendly way: "You have got three good lookin' childern Mahala." "Yes," says she, "three and three is six, and three is nine, and three is twelve, and three is fifteen; fifteen ruffles at the least calculation, to make 'em look decent, and like other folkes'es childern, and the biggest one ought to have six." Says I, Your husband looks as if he might be a good man, and a good provider " " Yes," says she, " lie means well, but he is a awful hand to let in flies. Two years ago this summer he let in four at one time into my best room, I counted them as I drove 'em out. I got so wore out, a chasin' 'em, and a tryin' to keep decent, that I made up my mind that we would live out here, 278 RUSKEIN AND APPLES. " You don't keep a girl, it seems? " "No," said she, "I cannot get one to suit ule. Whenl I do my work myself I know how it is done." Then I atted her on other subjects, says I, " Do you see the Atlantic, and Scribner's, and Peterson's and Harper's, this summer? they are awful interestin'." Says she, "I haint seen the ocean sense I was married; and the other families you speak of don't live any where near us." Says I, " Have you rea;d Ruskin, Malhala? " I was all engaged in it at that time for Thomas J was a readin' it out loud evenin's-dretful interestin' readin', made you feel as if you never got acquainted with tlhe world till lie introduced you. " Red RiiSIin," says slie with a dreamyv nmen, "it seems as if we have got some winter apples by that name, though I can't tell for certain." Then truly I thought to myself, I had got to the end of my chain. I said no more, but sot silently knittin', anId let her foller her own bent. And there was truly as curious doin's as I ever see. The little clildern couldn't move for fear they would soil their clothes or muss their ruffles. Her husband couldn't take a step hardly without bein' follered round by a mop, and exhorted about lettin' in flies, tholugh lie didn't realize his sufferin's so much as lie would, for lie was to tle barn the most of the time; lie had a chair out there, Josiahl said, and kinder made it his boome in thee nanger. HOME AND COMFORTS. 279 When she got supper, we had enough, and that that was good; but we eat on a oil-cloth because it was easier to keep clean than a table cloth, and we eat on some awful old poor lookin' dishes, she said she had washed up her best ones, and put 'em away so's to keep the dust out of 'em, and she didn't want to open the cupboard, for fear of lettini' in et fl,. And wlien we went up stairs to our room that nigt`t, way up in the front bed-room, it was carpeted all the w;iy, the liall and stairs, and our room, with sliinin' oil cloth. You could see your faces in it, but it seemed awful sort o' slippery and uncomfortable. There wasn't a picture nor a bracket nor a statute on any of the walls; she said her husband wanted some, but she wouldn't have 'em they catclied dust so. The sheets and piller cases was starched stiff to keep clean longer, and ironed and pressed till they shone like glass. My companion almost slipped up on the oil cloth when lie went to git into bed, and as he lay down between the stiff shinin' sheets, he says to me in sad tones "This is a slippery time, Samantha." I was a takin' off my head-dress, and didn't reply to him, and he says to me in still more pitiful and lonesome tones "Samanthla, this is a slippery time." His tone was very affectin', very; and I says to him soothinly, as I undid my breast-pin, and took off my collar: 280 A SLIPPERY TIME. " Loss make the best of what we can't help Josiah." But though my tone was soothin', it didn't seem to soothe him worth a cent, for says he in tremblin' tones "1 I am a sufferer Samantha, a great sufferer." Truly as Josiah said, it was a slippery time, and then not bein' used to be follered round and wiped up by a mop, it all wore on him. Says he, speakin' out in a louder, sort o' fiercer tone: "Have we got to stay in this house Samantha, one minute longer than to-morrow mornin' at sunrise? " Says I, "We will set sail from here some time in the course of the day " For truly I thought myself I couldn't stand the doin's much longer; and then Josiah went on and told me what Philander had told him; he said Philander said he was completely wore out. HIe was a good lookin' sort of a man, and one that would, I thought, under other and happier circumstances, love a joke; but his spirit was all broke down now He told Josiah it was done by a mop, by bein' run after with a mop, he said it would break down a leather man in a year, he said he drather set out doors all winter then go into the house; he said he made it his home to the barn the most of the time-lived in the manger Hie said when he first commenced life, he had a young man's glowin' hopes in the future, he had loftier, higher aims in life, but now his highest ambition was to keep house by himself in the barn, live alone there from year to FLY HUNTIN' 281 year, go jest as nasty as he could, live on flies, and cat dirt, he talked reckless and wild. "But" says lie, "if I should try it, sle would be out there a scourin' the rafters; before I had been tlhere half an hour, she would be out there with lher mop. I hope," says lie, " that I am a christian, but," says he, " I dassant express the feelin' I have towards mops. Ministers of the Gospel would call it a wicked feelin', and so I shant never try to tell any one how I feel towards 'em; mops is what I bury deep in my breast." Josiah said he spoke to him about how anxious and haggir I lis wife looked, and how wild and keen lier eyes was. "Yes," say she, " she got that look a chasin' flies; slie wont let one come within half a mile of the house if she can help it, and," says he, " she would be glad to keep me a liorseback a helpin' ler cllase 'em off, but I wont", says lie, with a gloomy look, "I never will take a liorse to it; I'll run 'em down myself when she sets me at it, but I wont chase 'em a horseback as long as my name is Philander Spicer." The doin's there wore on Josiah dretfnlly, I could bee. Two or three times after he got into a nap, he started up a shoutin': " There is one! catch it! take holt of 'em Nance." Oh, how I pitied my pardner, for I knew he was on the back of a Nite-Mare (as it were) a chasin' flies; and then he'd kinder shy off one side of the bed, and 11* 282 TWVO TREASURES. I'd hunch him, and he'd say there was a hull regiment of wimmen after liin with miops. But towards nlornin' I got a little good sleep, and so did he. The next mornin' Mahlala kinder atted me about my house; said she s'posed it wasn't half as nice, nor furnished inear so well as bern. Her mean was proud, and I could see she felt hauty witl her nice things, thou1gh1 I couldn't see half on 'em when she led me tlhrough thle rooms they was so slet up and dark, dark as a dark pocket, a most; and the air was musty and tight, tight as a drum, she said she didn't air it only in tlhe night for fear of flies. Says she again, "1 s'posc your house haint furnished near so nice as mine." Says I, "I have got two elegant things in my house that you haint got in yourn, Mahala." "What are they? " says slie. Says I, "Sunshine and air;" says I, "our house haint a big one, but it is comfortable and clean, and big enough to hold Josiall and me, and comfort, and the childern." Says I, "My parlor looks well, everybody says it does. The carpet has got a green ground work that looks jest like moss, with clusters of leavec all scattered over it, crimson and gold colored and russet brown, that look for all the world as if they might have fell offen the maple trees out in the yard in the fall of the year I have got a good honorable set of chairs; two or three rockin' chairs, and a settee SUNSHINE AND CARPETS. 283 covered with handsome copper-plate, lots of nice pictures and books, for Thomas J will have 'em, and I am perfectly willin' and agreeable in that respect." Says I, "Everybody says it is as pleasant and cozy a room as they ever laid eyes on, and that room, Mahala, is open every day to my companion Josiah, fresh air, sunshine, myself and the childern;" says I, "when we have got our work done up and want to rest, there is the place we go to rest in, it makes anybody feel as chirk again as a poor dull lookin' room, and what under the sun do I want of a pleasant bright lookin' room if it haint to take some comfort with it?" Says she, with a horrified look, " the idee of lettin' the sunshine in on a nice carpet; it fades 'em, it fades green awfully " Says I, "My carpet haint fadin' colors, and if it was, there is more where that come from. But," says I, "there is other things that fade besides carpets," says I, "there is such a thing as fadin' all the greenness and brightness of life out;" says I, "I had ruther have my carpet fade, than to have my childern's fresh gayety, and my companion's happiness and comfort fade out as grey as a rat;" says I, "the only way to git any comfort and happiness out of this old world, is to take it as you travel on, day by day, and hour by hour" Says I, "In my opinion it is awful simple to stent yourselves, and scrimp yourselves along all your lives 284 A MODEL WIFE. lookin' for some future time, fur ahead, when you are goin' to enjoy things and live agreeable, " says I, " if such folks don't look out, the street of By and By they are travellin' on, will narrow down to that road that is only broad enough for one to travel on it at a time, and the house they are expectin' to take so much comfort in, will have a marble door to it, and be covered over with the grasses of the valley " My tone was as solemn as solemn could be a most, but good land! she didn't sense it a mite, it seemed as if she follered us round with a mop closer than ever, and the minute she got her work done up she went right to her ruffles again, she didn't take time to change her dress or comb her hair or anything. Her dress was clean enough, but it was faded and considerable ragged, and not a sign of a collar or cuff; and her hair, which was wavy and crinkly naturally, and would have been glad to curl, was tucked up tight in a little wad at the back side of her head, to save work a combin' it. I didn't see much of Philander, for he stayed to the barn the most of the time, though he seemed to have a desire to use us well, and every little while he would come in and visit a few words with us, but he acted awful uneasy, and low spirited, and meachin', and I was most glad every time when he'd git started for the barn, and she'd set her mop down, for she'd scold him about flies and exhort him about dust, and foller him round with a mop most every moment. She had in the SAMANTHA'S DRESS LOOKED DOWN ON. 285 neighborhood of a bushel of ruffles a lIyin' by her, and she said she must stitch 'em, and pucker 'en all that day, and her face looked so care-worn and haggard as she said it, that I almost pitted her, and I says to her in tones about half pity, and half rebuke: " What makes you lay so to ruffles Mahala, it is a wearin' on you and I can see it is." "Oh," says she, and she nipped-to, harder than ever as she said it: " I do it because other folks do. They wear ruffles a sight now " But I says in caln tones: " Have you got to be a fool Mahala, because they be? " She didn't answer me a word, only kep' right on her ruffles as if they was cases of life and death, and I continued on in reasonable axents. "I am considerable dressy myself, and in the name of principle I believe it is every woman's duty to look as well- and agreeable as she can, especially if she has got a companion to show off before." As I said this, she give as scornful and humiliatin' a look onto my overskirt as I ever see looked. It was my new grey dress, all trimmed off on the age of the overskirt with a plain piece cut ketrin' ways of the cloth, and stitched on. It looked well, but I see she despised it, because it wasn't ruffled, she showed it plain in her face, how fearfully she felt above the biasin' piece and me, she despised us both, and acted so hauty towards us, that I was determined to give her a piece of my mind, and says I again firmly: 286 SAMANTHA'S VIEWS OF DRESS. " I believe it is every woman's duty especially if she las got a pardner, to put her best foot forred and look pleasant and agreeable from day to day, and from hour to hour But in my mind a woman don't add to her good looks by settin' down lookin' like fury for nineteen days, a workin' too hard to speak a pleasant word to lier famnily, or give 'em a pleasant look, for the sake of flauntin' out on the twentieth for a few hours, to show off before a lot of folks she don't care a cent for, nor they for her." Says I, "A middlin' plain dress for instance, one made with a plain strip set on the bias round the overskirt, or sunthin' of that sort," says I, " such a dress with a bright healthy, happy face, looks better to me than the height of fashion wore with a face that is almost completely worn out with the work a makin' of it, drawn down by care, and crossness, and hard work into more puckers than tlere is on the ruffles;" says I, "if a woman is able and willin' to hire her clothes made, that's a different tlhing; in them cases let wimmen ruffle themselves off to their heart's content, and the more work the better for the sewin' wimmcn." I don't think Mahala sensed my talk much of any, for she was nippin'-to, sewin' on her ruffles, and I heerd her say seeminly to herself: "Lemme see; nine yards for the bottom ruffle, and a little over. Three times nine is twenty-seven, and that leaves fourteen yards of trimmin' ior the poleynay, and up and down the back will he seventeen AN OLD TYRANT. 287 more-lenmme se! " And sle was a measurin' it off with her hands. Finally slic seemed to sense where she was for a mirsute, and turned to me with a still more haggard look onto her face. Says she: " Mebby you have licerd about it, is it so, or not? I must know," says she. Says I, in anxious axents, for slie looked fearfully bad: "Is it your childern's future you are a worryin' about? Is your companion's morals a totterini? Is the Human Race on your mind, a tirin' you, Maliala? " "cNo!" says she. " It liaint none of them triflin' things, but I heerd a rumor that they wasn't a goin' to wear poleynays trimmed up the back. Do you know? Can you tell me what they are a goin' to do? Oh! what a wild gloomy glarin' look settled down onto her face as she asked me this question " They," says I, a bustin' right out almost wildly, " who is old They that is leadin' my sect into chains and slavery?" Says I, almost by the side of myself with emotion, " Bring him up to me, and lemme wrastle witl him, and destroy him." Says I, " I hear of that old tyrant on all sides. If lie gives the word, winmmen will drop their dresses right down a yard into thle mud, or tack 'em up to their knees, they will puff 'em out like baloons, or pin 'em back, a bandegin' themselves like mummies, they will wear their binnets on the back of their necks leavin' their faces all out in the sun, or they will wear 'men over their forwards, makin' 'em as blind as a bat-leavin' 288 THE FATHER OF SLANDER AND LIES. the backside of their heads all out to the weather; they will wear low slips as tlin as paper, or be mounted up on high heels like a ostridge; they will frizzle their l-;ir:ill up on top of their heads like a rooster's comb, or let it string down their backs like a lmaniac's; and if I ask 'em wildly why these things are so, they say they do it because They do it. I find old They at the bottom of it. " And where does all the slander, and gossip, and lies come from? You find a lie that there wont anybody father, and jest as sure as you live and breathe, every time, you can track it back to old T/hey. They said it was so. And," says I, growin' almost wild again, ' who ever see him come up in a manly way and own up to anything? Who ever sot eyes on him? A hidin' himself, and a lyin', is his strong pint. I hate old They! I perfectly despise the old critter." I see my emotions was a renderin' me nearly wild for the time bein', and with a fearful effort, I collected myself together, some, and continued on in a more milder tone, but awful earnest, and convincing: " Faslion is king and They is his prime minister and factorum; and between 'em both, wimmen is bound hand and foot, body anid soul. And," says I in a sort of a prophecyin' tone, " would that some female Patrick Henry or George Washington would rise up and set 'em free from them tyrants." Says I, " It would be a greater victory for female wimmen, than the one the male sect, mostly, are a celebratin' to the Sentinal this summer" SPIDER AND FLY TIME. 289 "Sentinal!" says she. "Celebrate 1" she murmured in enquirin' axents. "Yes," says I, "haint you heerd on it Mahalathe big Sentinal that is to Filadelfy; " says I, in considerable dry axents, " I didn't know as there was a dog on the American continent but what had heerd of it, and talked it over-with other dogs." Says I, " They talked about it to Jonesville more'n they did the weather, or their neighbors, or anything." " Well," says she, " it seems as if I heerd the word once, when I was a scrapin' out the suller, or was it when I was a whitewashin' the wood-house. I can't tell," says she; " but anyway I know I was a cleanin' sunthin' or other, or nmakin' ruffles, and a workin' so hard that it slipped completely out of my mind." I told her what the Sentinal was, and says I, " I want you to go Mahala. Josiah and I are a goin', and it will do you good to git away from home a spell, you can git some good girl to keep house for you. S'posen you go?" She looked at me as if she thought I was as crazy as a loon. " Go! " says she. "Go! why it will be right in fly time and spider time. Do you s'pose that anybody that haint a perfect slouch of a housekeeper would leave their house in fly time or spider web time? Thank fortin nobody can find a spider web in my house nor my wood-house. I haint one to let things go as some will, and go off on pleasure towers right in dog days." 290 WHAT MAHALA LEGGOI I see she was a twittin' me of lettin' things go, and bein' off on a tower, and mly high mission goared me, and principle nerved me up to give her a piece of my mind; and says I to her "There is cobwebs a hanlgin' from your brain this minute Malhala Spicer, more'n a yard long." Says I, " You have chased me round with a mop, and kinder limbered me up, so I feel like marchin' forred nobly in the cause of Right,-and I say to you, and I say it in a friendly way,-that if there was ever any brightness to your intellect, there is dust over it now a inch thick. You twit me about lettin' things go, and bein' off on a tower, you say you wont let things go, in my way of thinkin' you do let thiigs go, you let all the beauty and brightness of life go; all the peace and enjoyment and repose of home go; all your husband's and childern's rest, and enjoyment, and love, and respect for you, go. You say you don't even git time to look into a book from one year's end to another Think of that great world of delight and culture you leggo. You say you don't find time to step or look out of doors. Jest think of God's great picture-book that Lie spreads out before your blind eyes from day to day-every page filled withl wonder, surprise and admiration. Think of how that book looks when the leaf is turned down to sunset, or when it is turned over to bright Indian summer and etcetcry " My tone was eloquent, very; and my hand waved out in noble waves as I went on: NATURE'S GLORIES. 291 "Jest think how from day to day the sun' rises in splendor and goes down in heavenly glory, how the white clouds like featlered out chariots for the baby angels to ride out in, float over the beautiful blue sky unbeknown to you, how the winds kinder rustle the green leaves in the woods, and the sun sllho's down her gold arrers through 'em, a chasin' tle cool shadders over the green moss, and never catchin' of 'em. How the white lilys fatigue their sweet selves a perfunmin' the air and the roses and pinks blush crimson at their own prettiness, and the violets hide their blue eyes down under the grass, so awful pretty that they arc fairly ashamed of themselves, and the ferns wave their green banners in triumphant delight to let 'em know they have found 'em out. How the lake changes to imore'n forty pictures a day, every one handsomer than the other, from tnhe time it looks kinder blue, and hazy, and dreamy in the morlin' twilight, till the settin' sun makes a shinin' path on it, that seems to lead right out into that city of golden streets. Think what low and kinder contented songs the brook sings to the pussy willow, and what the willows whisper back to the brook. How the birds chirp and twitter and sail and sing, a well behaved melodious orkustre givin' free tickets to everybody, and your ears as deaf as a stun to it all. Think of all these things you leggo to pore over ruffles and knife pleatiu's. You Ued to be a fine musician-made first-rate 292 MAHALA''S CHIOICE. music-and that melodious job, the only piece of work you can begin on earth and finish up in heaven, all that happiness for yourself and family, you leggo. If you was obleeged to do all this, I should pity you; and if you was obleeged to wear yourself down to a early grave-as I see you are a doin',-leavin' your childern plenty of ruffles and lo Inother, I sliould pity you, but your husband is abundantly able, and more'n willin' to hire help for you to do your work decently and comfortably, and leave you time to make your home a place of delight and rest to himi and the childern. But instead of tliat, instead of throwin' open the doors of your heart and your house to the free air of heaven, and the sunshine,--instead of keepin' your husband's and clildern's love and makin' their happiness and hisen and your own life beautiful by culture, and sweet thoughts, and generous deeds, instead of liftin' your eyes heavenward and seein' with the eyes of your soul some divine ideal and pursuin' after it, you have set your aim in life on a fly and chase that aim blindly, and prefer to go through life on all fours with a scrub rag." If you'll believe it, that woman was mad; it does beat all how good advice will make some folks squirm; but as we was on the very pint of leavin', I didn't care a cent; and I didn't feel in the least mite beholden to her, for they come to our house when they was first married, and stayed three weeks right along, and I guess they didn't git treated much as she treated GOOD BYE. 293 Josiah and me. I done well by 'em-killed a hen most every day-and made a fuss. That was before she took to chasin' flies; she was bright as a new dollar, didn't act like the same critter, nor he nuther, that was before he had the nip took out of him, by bein' chased round by a mop. I kissed tlie little childern all a settin still in a row-or little old wimmen I ort to say, bid Mahala a glad and happy good bye, and then we went out to the barn and took leave of Philander in the manger, and sot forred again on our tower. MELANKTON SPICER AND HIS FAMILY. IIILANDER SPICER told Josiah and me that lie did wish we would stop and visit his brother Lank, seein' we had to pass right by his house. Melankton Spicer, Philander's twin brother, married Mahala's sister Delila Ann, makin' 'em double and twisted relations, as you may say And we told him that seein' it was right on our way we would stop a few minutes, but.I guessed we wouldn't stay long for we wasn't much acquainted with 'em, though she had visited me years ago, and we had seen 'em to Father Allen's once or twice. Philander told us mebby we hadn't better stay long, for they had hard work to git along; hie said Delila Ann wasn't a mite such a turn as Mahala, for whereas Mahala, havin' a husband that was well (ff, would work and scrub every minute with no need on it, Delila Ann, havini' married a poor man who needed help, wouldn't work a mite; hadn't been no 294 LANK SPICER WANTS A BIBLE. 295 help to him at all sense they was married, only by puttin' on appearances, and havin' seven girls and they bein' growed up, and their ma not allowin' 'em to do a speck of work only to dress up to catch a bo. Lank had to work from mornin' till night in the store where he was a clerk, and then set up half the night to copy papers for a lawyer, to try to pay their milliner bills and the hired girls; but he couldn't, he was in debt to everybody. And he didn't git no rest and peace to home, for they was a teasin' him the hull time for gold bracelets and silk dresses and things; he said they lived poor, and their morals was all run down. Lank hadn't ever been able to git enough ahead to buy a Bible; he hadn't nothin' but the Pokrafy, and a part of the Old Testament that had fell to him from his grandfather, fell so fur that the 'postles and all the old prophets-except Malachi-had got tore to pieces, and lhe was battered considerable. Philander said Lank told him it was hard work to bring up a family right, with nothin' but the Pokrafy to go by, and lie wanted to git a Bible tile worst way; and wlen hle got his last month's wages he did mlean to git enough ahead to buy one, and a sack of flour; but when hli got his pay, his wife said she was sufferin' for a new gauze head-dress, and the seven girls had got to have some bobinet ii, ck-ties, and some new ear ring,, that after tlev lhad got these necessarys, then, if tlicre was anything:-ft, they would git a sack of flour and a Bible. But there wasn't, and so they 296 ANOTHER CHANCE FOR MARTYRDOM. had to git along with the Pokrafy, and without the sack of flour; and lie said that workin' so hard, and farin' so awful bad, Lank was a most used up, he said Lank wasn't more'n two or three moments older thaii he was, but lie looked as if lie was seventy-five years old, and he was afraid he wouldn't stand it more than several months longer if things went on so. I said to myself, when Philander was tellin' us this, here is miebby another chance for me to burn myself up and brile myself on a gridiron (as it were) in the cause of Right. 1 felt a feelin' that mebby I could win a victory, and advise Delila Ann for her good. And so I spoke up mildly, but with a firm noble mean on me, and says to him: "Philander, we will stop there an hour or two." When we got to the village where Lank lived, Josiali said he guessed he would go right down to the store where Lank worked and see him, and I might go in and call on Delila Ann. A small white-headed boy with tow breeches held up by one lonely gallus told me lie would show me the way-the same boy offerin' to hitch the mare. It had been a number of years sense I had seen Delila Ann, and I didn't s'pose I should know her if I should see her in my porridge dish, Philander said she had changed so. Hle said she had that sort of anxious, haggard, dissatisfied, kinder sheepish, and kinder bold look-a mean that folks always git by puttin' on appearances; I've heerd, and I believe, A BAD SIT DOWN. 299 that is jest about as wearii' a job as anybody can git into to foller from year to year. There didn't seem to be anything hull and sound about the front door, except the key-hole, but it had a new brass plate on it, with a bell kinder fixed in it, and the plate bore Lank's name in bold noble letters which I s'pose was a comfort to the family, and rose 'em up above the small afflictions of the snow and rain that entered at will, and when they was a mind to. The white headed boy, with the solitary and lonesome gallus, said to me as he stood waitin' for the five cent bill I was a gettin' for him out of my portmoney " That door needs mendin' bad!" I give him his bill and started him off, and I was jest a musin' on his last words, and thinkin' that Lank's best way would be to take the key-hole and have a new door made to it, when the hired girl come to the door. I told her who I was and she seemed to be kinder flustrated and said she'd go and tell the family And I, a standin' there in the hall, and not knowin' how long she would be gone, thought I would set down-for it always tires me to stand any length of time on my feet. There was a elegant imposin' lookin' chair by the side of a real noble lookin' table, but to my surprise and mortification when I went to set down, I sot right down through it, the first thing; I catched almost wildly at the massive table to try to save myself, and I'll be hanged if that didn't give way and spilte on my 19 300 AN AICCIDENT. 30 NACIET hands, as you may sayI, it tottled and fell right over onto mie; and then I see it was made of rough shacekly APPARTRNTLYSTRONG. boards, but upholstered withi a gorgeous red and yeller cotton spread, like the chair; they bothi looked splendid, I gathered myself tp, and righted the table inurmutrin' to myself, "1Put not your trust in princes, nor turkey red calico, Josiahl Allen's wife, set not down uipon them blindly, lest you be wearied and faint in your mind, and lame in your body " I was jest a rehearsin' this to myself, when the hired girl come back, and says I: "I am glad you have come, for I don't know but I shiould have broughit the hull house down in ruins onto mne, if you hadn't come Jest as you did." BEHIND THE SCENES. 301 And then she up and told me that that chair and table wasn't made for use, but jest for looks, slie said they wanted a table and a reception cliair in the hall, and not bein' able to buy sound ones, they had made 'em out of boards they had by 'em." "Well," says I mildly, " I went right down through the chair the first thing, and it skairt me." I got along through the lhall first-rate after this, only I most fell twice, for the floor bein' carpeted with wall paper varnished (to be oil-cloth appariently) and tore up, and the varnish makin' it stiff, it was as bad as a man-trap to catch folks in, and throw 'em. Jest before we got to the parlor door I see, that in the agitation of body and mind I had experienced sense I come in, I had dropped one of my cuff buttons, nice black ones that I had bought jest before I started at a out-lay of 35 cents, and the hired girl said she would go back for it; and while she was a lookin' for it-the plasterin' bein' off considerable, and the partition jest papered over-1 heard 'em a sayin' and they seemed to be a cryin' as they said it: " What did she want to come here for? I should think she would know enough to stay away " "To think we have got to be tormented by secin' "her," says another voice. "I hate to have her come as bad as you do children," says a voice I knew was Delila Ann's, " but we must try to bear up under it, she wont stay probable more'n two or three hours." 302 A HOUSE OF MOURNIN. "1 thay, I hope she wont sthay two minjith," says another voice with a lisp to it. " We wont let her stay," says a little fine voice. I declare for't, if it hadn't been for my vow I would have turned right round in my tracks; but I remembered it wasn't the pious folks that needed the most preachin', and if ever proini-cous advisin' seemed to be called for, it was now And jest as I was a remienberin' this, the hired girl come back with my cuff button. The minute she opened that parlor door, I see that I had got into the house of mournin'. The room, which resembled the hall and the front door as much as if they was three twins, seemed to be full of braize delaine, and bobinet lace, and thin ribbin, all bathed in tears and sobs. When I took a closer look, I see there was eight wimmen under the gauzes and frizzles and folderols and etcetery, some of 'em held dime novels in their hands, and one of 'em held a white pup. The moment I went in, every one of'em jumped up and kissed me, and throwed their arms round me. Some of the time I had as many as six or seven arms at a tine round me in different places, and every one of e'm was a tellin' me in awful warm tones, how glad, how highly tickled they was to see me; they never was so carried away with enjoyment and happy surprise in their hull lives before; and says four of 'eml tenderly: THE INSIbE RECEPTION; 303 "You must stay a week with us anyway." "A week!" says the little fine voice, " that hliint unthin', you must stay a month, we wont let you,il a day sooner " "No, we wont " says six warm voices, awful warm. tS\j APPARIENTLY WELCOME. "Sthay all thummer-do," says the lispin' voice. "Yes do! " says the hull seven. And then Delila Ann threw both her arms round my neck, and says she: "Oh if you could only stay with us always, how happy, happy we should be." And then she laid her 304 PITY AND SYMPATHY head right down on my shoulder and begun to sob, and weep, and cry; I was almost sickened to tlhe stomach by their actin' and behavin', but the voice of sorrow always appeals to my heart. I see in a minute what the matter was; Lank had give out, had killed himself with hard work; and though I knew she was jest as much to blame as if she was made of arsenic and Lank had swallered her, still pity and sympathy makes the handsomest, shineyest kind of varnish to cover up folks'es faults witl, and Delila Ann shone with it from head to foot, as she lay there on imy neck, wettin' my best collar with her tears, and alhmost tearin' the lace offen it with her deep windy sithes. I pitied Delila Ann, from pretty near the bottom of my heart, I forgot for the time bein' her actin' and behavin'; I felt bad, and says I " Then lie is gone Delila Ann, I feel to sympathize with you; I am sorry for you as I can be." " Yes," says she, pretty near choked up with emotion, "lie is gone; we have lost him." I wept; I thought of my Josiah, and I says in tremblin' tones: "When love is lost out of a heart that has held it, oh, what a goneness there must be in that heart; what a emptyness; what a lonesomeness; but," says I, tryin' to comfort her, " He who made our hearts knows all about 'em; His love can fill all the deep lonesome places in 'em; and hearts that lHe dwells in wont never break; IHe keeps 'em, and they are safe with an eternal safety." MOURNIN' FOR THE DEAD. 305 All the hull of the girls was a sobbin', and one of 'em sithed out: " Oh, it does seem as if our hearts must break, right in to." Then I spoke up and says in tremblin' tones: " If you are willin' Delila Ann, it would be a melancholly satisfaction to me to see the corpse." The girls led the way a sobbin' and sithin', and I follered on kinder holdin' up Delila Ann, expectin' every minute she would faint away on my hands. We was a mournful lookin' procession; they led the THE HOUSE OF MOURNIN'. way into the next room, and led me up to a sofy, and there laid out on a gorgeous yeller cotton cushin. Ly a dead pup; I was too dumb-foundered to speak for nearly half a moment. 806 A PROOF OF GENTILITY. Oh! what feelin's I felt as I stood there a lookin' on 'em, to think how I had been a sympathizin' and a comfortin', a pumpin' the very depths of my soul to pour religious consolation onto 'em, and bewailin' myself, a sheddin' my own tears over a whiffet pup. As I thought tils over, my dumb-founder begun to go off on me, and my mean begun to look different, and awfuler, I thrust my cotton handkerchief back into my pocket again with my right hand, and drew my left arm hautily from Delila Ann, not carin' whether she crumpled down and fainted away or not, I s'pose my mean apauled 'em, for Delila Ann says to me in tremblin' tones: "All genteel wimmen dote on dogs." And she added in still more tremblin' tones, as she see my mean kep' a growin' awfuler, and awfuler every minute: " Nothin' gives a woman such a genteel air as to lead 'em round with a ribbin." And she says still a keepin' her eye on my mean: "I always know a woman is genteel the minute I see her a leadin' 'em round, and I never have been mistakin' once; the more genteel a woman is, the more poodle dogs she has to dote on." I didn't say a word to Delila Ann nor the hull set on 'em, but my emotions riz up so that I spoke right out loud, unbeknown to me; I episoded to myself in a deep voice " Fathers bein' killed with labor, and a world layin' in wickedness, and wimmen dotin' on dogs; hundreds VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION. 3()7 of thousands of houseless and homeless childern - little fair souls bein' blackened by ignorance and vice with a black that can't never be rubbed off this side of heaven, and immortal wimmen spendin' their hull energies in keepin' a pup's hair white, little tender teet bein' led down into the mire and clay, that might *LC\ GENTILITY. be guided up to heaven's door, and wimmen utterly refusin' to notice 'em, so rampant and sot on leadin' round a pup by a string. Good heavens'" says I, " it makes me sweat to tlink on it;" and I pulled out my 12* 308 TWO BAD WORDS. cotton handkerchief and wiped my forred almost wildly. I s'pose my warm emiiotions had mlielted down my icy mean a very little, for Delila Ann spoke up in ý' little chirker voice, and says she. "If you was one of the genteel kind, you would (eel different about it;" says she-a try in' to scare me-" I mistrust that you haint genteel." " That don't scare ime a mite," says I, " I hate that word and always did," says I still more warmly, "there is two words in the English language that I feel cold, and almost hauty towards, and they are 'affinity,' such as married folks hunt after, and 'genteel.' I wish," says I, " that these two words would join hands and elope the country; I'd love to see their backs, as they sot out, and bid 'em a glad farewell." She see she hadn't skairt me, and the thouglht of my mission goared me to that extent, that I rose up my voice to a high key and went on wavin' my right hand in as eloquent a wave as I had by meI keep awful eloquent waves a purpose to use on occasions like these-and says I: " I am a woman that has got a vow on me, I am a Promiscous Advisor by trade, and I can't shirk out when duty is a pokin' me in the side; I must speak. And I say unto you Delila Ann, and the hull on you promiscous, that if you would take off some of your bobinet lace, empty your laps of pups and dime novels, and go to work and lift some of the burdens from the breakin' back of Melankton Spicer, you REAL LIFE AND DIME NOVELS. 309 would raise yourselves in my estinmation from 25 to 30 cents, and I don't know but more." " Oh," says Delila Ann, "I want my girls to marry; and it haint genteel for wimmen to work, they wont never catch a bo if they work." "Well," says I almost coldly, "I had ruther keep a clear conscience and a single bedstead, than twenty husbands and the knowledge that I was a father killer; but," says I in reasonable tones-for I wanted to convince 'em--"it haint necessary to be lazy, to read dime novels, and lead round pups, in order to marry; if it was, I should be a single woman to-day " "Oh I love to read dime novelth," says the lispin' one; "I love to be thad and weep, it theemth tho thweet, tho thingularly thweet." Says I, " There is a tragedy bein' lived before your eyes day after day that you ort. to weep over; a father killin' himself for his wife and childern-bearin' burdens enough to break down a leather man-and they a spendin' their time a leadin' round whiffet pups.' " Whiffet pups!" says Delila in angry tones, " they are poodles." " Well," says I calmly, "whiffet poodle pups, if that suits you any better, it don't make any particular difference to me." Says Delila Ann, "I paid seven dollars a piece for 'em, and they have paid their way in comfortin' the girls when they feel bad; of course my girls have their dark hours and git low-spirited when they 810 TRUE LOVE ENNOBLING. teaze their pa for things that he wont buy for 'em; when they want a gold butterfly to wear in their hair, are sufferin' for it or for other necessaries, and their pa wont git 'em for 'em; in such dark hours the companionship of these dear dogs are such a comfort to 'em." "Why don't they go to work and earn their own butterflies if they have got to have 'em ' " says I. "Because they wont never marry if they demean themselves and work." Says I, " It haint no such thing! A man whose love is worth havin' would think the more of 'em;" and I went on eloquently-" do you s'pose Delila, that the love of a true man,-a love that crowns a woman more royally than a queen, a love that satisfies her head and her heart and that she can trust herself to through life and death; a love that inspires her to think all goodness and purity are possible to her for its sake, -that makes her, through very happiness, more humble and tender and yet fearless, liftin' her above all low aims and worryments; do you s'pose this love that makes a woman as rich as a Jew if she owns nothin' on earth beside, can be inspired and awakened by a contemplation of sham gentility and whiffet pups? Can bobinet lace spangled with gilt butterflies weave a net to catch this priceless treasure? Never! Delila. Ann Spicer, never! that is,-a love that is worth havin'; some men's love haint worth nothin'; I wouldn't give a cent a bushel for it by the car-load. But, as I said, Delila Ann and the hull eight on you POVERTY NO DISGRACE. 311 promiscous, a earnest, true, noble man would think as much again of a girl who had independence and common sense enough to earn her own livin' when her father was a poor man. Good land! how simple it is to try to deceive folks; gauze veils, and cottonvelvet cloaks haint a goin' to cover up the fact of poverty; if we be poor there's not a mite of disgrace in it. Poverty is the dark mine where diamonds are found lots of times by tleir glitterin' so ag'inst the blackness. The darkness of poverty can't put out the light of a pure diamond, it will shine anywhere, as bright in the dark dirt as on a queen's finger, for its liglit comes from within; and rare pearls are formed frequent by the grindin' touch of poverty, tears of pain and privation and patience crystalized into great drops of light that will shine forever Honest hard workin' poverty is respectable as anything can be respectable and should be honored, if for no other reason, for the sake of Him who eighteen hundred years ago made it illustrious forever But poverty hlidin' itself behind the:ppariently, poverty hidin' itself under a sham gentility, pretentious, deceitful poverty-tryin' to cover a empty stomach with a tinsel breast-pin-is a sight, and enough to make angels weep, and sinners sick. Let your girls learn some honest trade Delila Ann, let 'em be self-respectin', industrious-" " Oh my! I wouldn't have'em miss of bein' married for nothin' in the world." 312 THE MAIDEN'S DESPERATE PRAYER. "Good land-!" says I. " Is marryin' the only theme that anybody can lay holt of? It seems to me that the best way would be to lay holt of duty now, and then if a bo comes lay holt of him. But if they catch a bo with such a hook as they are a fishin' with now, what kind of a bo will it be? Nobody but a fool would lay holt of a hook baited with dime novels, lazyness, deceitfulness, and pups. Learn your girls to be industrious and to respect themselves. They can't now, Delila Ann, I know they can't. No woman can feel honorable and reverential towards themselves, when they are a foldin' their useless hands over their empty souls, waitin' for some man-no matter who-to marry 'em and support 'em. When in the agony of suspense and fear they have narrowed down to this one theme all their hopes and prayers " Good Lord, anybody!" But when a woman lays holt of life in a noble earnest way, wlien slie is dutifil, cheerful, and industrious, God-fearin' and selfrespectin', though the world sinks, there is a rock under her feet that wont let her down fur enough to hurt her any. "Oh dear;" says Delila Ann again, "I should think she would want to get married-want to awfully" Truly everybody has their theme, and marryin' is hern. But I kep' cool and says 1 in calm axents, but sort o' noble and considerable eloquent: "If love comes to board with her, so much the better; she will be ready to receive him royally, and WAITIN' FOR THE TRUE VOICE. 313 keep him when she gets him-some folks don't know how to use love worth a cent, can't keep hiiu any length of inme. Such a woman wont git crazy as a loon, and wild-eyed, and accept the wrong lman-so dead with fear that the right one wont be forth coinin' She wont barter her truth and self respect for a home and liousen stuff, and the sham dignity of a false marriage. No mom, or moms; though a regiment of men are at her feet a askin' her in pleadin' axents if their bride she will be, her ears will be deaf as a stun to the hull caboodle of 'em, unless the true voice speaks to her; and she wont listen with the ear of flesh, she wont hear it unless her soul can listen. Mebby that voice, that true voice is soundin' to lier heart through the centuries; mebby, like as not, she was born a century too soon, or a hundred years too late-what of it? That don't scare her a mite, she will keep right on a livin' jest as calm and collected and happy and contented as anything, till the eternal meetin' of true souls crowns him and her with the greatness of that love. No, Delila Ann Spicer, such a woman as that, no matter whether she be single or double, I am not afraid of her future." * " What! not get married! Oh dear me suz," screamed Delila Anni, for truly the thought seemed to scare her nearly to death. Oh how awful, how lonely, lonely, they must be." " Who said they wasn't? " says I in pretty middlin' short tones-for she was a beginnin' to wear me 814 MARRIZED LONELI[NESS. out soine-but I continued on in more mild axents: "I have seen married folks before now, that I knmew was in their souls as lonesome as dogs and lonesomer," says I, a disagreeabler feelin' I never felt, than to have company that haint company, stay right by you for two or three days. And then what must it be to have 'em stand by you from forty to fifty years. Good land! it would tucker anybody out. A desert haint to be compared to a crowd of strangers; woods can't be compared to human bein's for loneliness, for Nater is a friendly critter, and to them that love her), she has a hiuniidred ways to chirk 'em up anjd comfort 'em. Adii solitude is sacred, when the world's babble dies away, yon hush your soul, and hear the footfalls of the Eternal. Hear His voice speakin' to your heart in better thloughts, purer aspirations, niobler idees. No! for pure loneliness give Ine the presence of an alien soul, whose thoughts can never be your thoughts, whose eyes can no more see what your eyes see than if they wore leather spectacles, wNhose presence weighs you down like four Nite Mairs and a half. And if for any reason, fear, thoughtlessnless, or wFntin' a home, you are married to such a one, there is a loneliness for you Delila Ann Spicer." But she kep' right on, with her former idees, for slie felt 'eni deeply3. "Oh Dear! I don't see how folks git along that haint married. Notliin' in the world looks so povertystruck, and lonesome as a womian that haint married." LOSS OF SELF-RESPECT. 315 "Yes," says I reasonably, " they do have a sort of a one sided look I'll admit, and sort o' curious, at certain times, such as processions, and ctcetery, I always said so, and I say so still. " But," says I, " in my opinion, there haint no lonesomeness to be compared to the lonesomeness of the empty-headed and aimless, and no amount of husbands can make up to any woman for the loss of her self-respect. Them is my idees, howsumever everybody to tleir own mind." Whether I did 'em any good or not I don't know, for my companion arrived jest that moment, and we departed onto our tower, but it is a sweet and cor fortin' thought, that whether you hit tihe mark you aim at or not, you have done your best and a good pile of arrers somewhcere will bear witness tlhat vo have took aim, and fired inobly in the cause of Right UNCLE ZEBULIN COFFIN EVER sense I had married to Josial Allen, I had lieerd of Uncle Zebulin Coffin, what a good man lie was. Every time Josiah would git low spirited and kinder back slid in his mind, he would groan out,: Oh, if I could only be as good as Uncle Zebulin is!" And when he would be in this deprested state, if he and I would laugh out kinder hearty at sunthin' the clildern said or done, he would mutter " Oil Samantha, what would Uncle Zebulin say if he should hear us laugh! I don't believe we shall ever get to be so good as he is in this world." " What has lie done so awful good?" I would say. " Why," says Josiah, "Uncle Zebulin haint laughed in over forty years. You don't have no idee what a good man ie is." " That don't raise him 7 cents in my estimation," says I. " What else has he done so uncommon good?" " Oh," says Josiah. "I don't know of anything in 316 SHALL WE VISIT THE DEACON? 317 particular. But you never see so good a man as he is. Ile's made a regular pattern of himself. lie never smiles, and he would sooiier cut off anybody's head than to joke with 'cm, and lie is so quick to see if anybody else does wrong. IHe'll mnake anybody feel so wicked, when they are with himii; they'll see so plain how much better lie is than they be. He is so uncommoni good, that I never could bear to stay there; I realized his goodness so much, and see my own wickediness so plaiy. A dretful good man, Uncle Zebulin is, dretful." I knew when we sot out for the Sentinal that we should go within a few miles of him, we had got to go right through Loon Town, where his letters was sent to. (Josiah had helped him to money to pay up a nortgage, and they had wrote back and forth about it.) I beset Josiah to stop and visit him, not that I had such a awful high opinion of him, but I wanted to go more out of curiosity, a sort of a circus fcelin'; but Josiah hung back, and I says to hiiim " Anybody would think Josiah Allen, tlat after praisin' up a Uncle Zebulin d:.y and night for goin' on twenty years, a man would be willin' to let his lawful pardner git a glimpse on him;n" but Josiah hung back, and says he: " IIe is so tarnal good, Sum intha, you haint no idee how powerful uncomfortable and unsatisfactory he makes wickeder folks feel." But I says cheerfully: ""If he is so dretful good as you say, he wont be 318 JOSIAH'S PERVERSENESS. likely to hurt us, and I don't go for comfort, I go in a sort of a menagery way; and also," I added with dignity, " as a P. A. and a P I." " Well," he kinder whimpered out, "mebby it is all for the best. We'll go if you are so sot on it, but there don't seem to be no need of our stayin' any length of time." "Well," says I, "we'll see, when we git there." But after we -got started off on our tower, and as we drew near Loon Town, (thirteen miles from Melankton Spicer'ses) and I spoke to Josiah about our visit to Uncle Zebulin, he made as strange of it, as if he never had heerd of the idee, said he never had borrowed any trouble about it, never had had an idee of goin' nigh him. " Then what made you say so," says 1. "Say so " says he in a wanderin', unbelievin' tone, "I haint said so," says he, " you must have dremp it." I argued with him for quite a spell, but he stuck to it; said he didn't blame me any for sayin' it, for I had most probable dremp it. It madded ime so to hear him go on, that I wouldn't multiply no more words with him, and I should probable never have sot eyes on Zebulin Coffin, if it hadn't been for a axident that took place jest as we was a enterin' Loon Town. I thought there had been sunthin' kinder loose and shackly about the buggy for some time, and so I says to Josiah: AN ACCIDENT OR JUDGMENT. 319 - - " There seems to be sunthin' wrong about the buggy Josiah Allen, 1 believe the whiffletrys are loose." "The whiffletrys are all right. You are notional Samantha-wimmen always be, not havin' such strong firm minds as we men have they git the hypo." Says I, almost coldly, " After you throw us out, and kill both on us, mebby you wont twit me of havin' the hypo." " I haint never killed you yet, Samantha," says he, "and you have been a lookin' out for it for the last twenty years." But that man hadn't hardly got the words out of IIAIAff4, CHEATED. his mouth, when all of a sudden jest what I had been bewarin' him of happened, suntlhin' did break down; he said it was the ex. But everything seemed to give 320 JOSIAH YIELDS. way all of a sudden under us, I was skairt, very. The old mare bein' a orniment to her sect stopped stun still, so there wasn't no killed nor wounded to repent on, but the top buggy had got to go to the wagon shop to be repaired upon. Josiah acted mad; says he " That darned man cheated me on that buggy, I'll bet a cent. We'd done better to have bought a phantom, I told you so Samantha in the first on't." Knowin' it was the nater born in every man to want to blame somebody or sunthin' in a time like this, and knowin' if anything could be a comfort to my companion that would, I didn't feel like arguin' with him a mite about our buyin' or not buyin' a phantom to ride. I was sorry for him, but feelin' I had a vow onto me, and knowin' it was my duty to lock arms (as it were) with my companion, and lead him gently back if I see him a strayin' off into the wrong, I says to him in a kind of a roundabout way, but mildly and firmly: " When companions was falsely told they had dremp things, mebby judgments was sometimes sent onto Josiahs' " I had hinted this in a dretful blind way, but he took it in a minute, and snapped out enough to take my head off. " Well, well! I s'pose we can go to Uncle Zeb's, if you are so sot on it, while this is bein' mended;" and he added with a gloomy face: " I guess you'll have the worst on't, when you see how good he is." THE MAN WHO DROVE US OVER. 321 I felt glad to go, for I had a curious feelin' that I was needed there as a Promiscous Advisor, as if I had a job there to tackle in the cause of Right. The blacksmith sent a boy for a man that did such jobs, and in a few minutes time we was on our way to Uncle Zebulin Coffin'ses. It was a good lookin' iron grey man, about the age of Josiah who was a carryin us. He had a nice span of horses, and we rode in a respectable democrat with two seats. Josiah sot on the front seat with the driver, and the satchel and umberell and I sot on the back seat. After we had got started, the man spoke up and says he: " You are a goin' over to Deacon Coffin'ses? " "Yes," says Josiah. His face grew sad, and he shook his head in a mournful way "A dretful good man the Deacon is." Says I, " Sunthin' in the line of Paradise Lost, or the Course of Time; sunthin' like Milton or Pollock, haint he? " Says he " I haint acquainted with the gentlemen you speak of." He looked so kinder sharp and curious at me, that I spoke up again, and says I: "I have got the idee from what I have heerd, that he is sunthin' like them books I spoke of. Everybody knows they are hefty and respectable, but somehow they don't take so much comfort a perusin' 'em as they do in admirin' 'em at a distance-bein' wrote 322 POLITE MANNERS. in blank verse, they make folks feel sort o' blank." The man didn't answer me but put on a still more melancholly and deprested look, and says he: "He haint smiled in more'n thirty years, and haint snickered in goin' on fifty. It's curious, how anybody can be so good haint it? You see, I carry passengers back and forth, and the Deacon rode with me about a year ago, and he labored with me powerful about my son Tom, Tom Pitkins! my name is Elam Pitkins." He was a settin' on the same seat with Josiah, and they had been a visitin' together like old friends. But Josiah turned right round and shook hands with him, and say le: "How do you do Mr Pitkins, happy to make your acquaintance, sir" And then he took his hat off, and held it in his lap for a few moments, then he put it on his head again. I was almost proud of that man at that minute, to see how well lie knew what belonged to good manners; (I had took him in hand, and tutored him a sight, before we sot out on our tower,) and bein' Josial's teacler in politeness, I wasn't a goin' to be out done by him, so I riz right up, and made a low curchy and shook hands with him. The democrat jolted jest then, and I come down pretty sudden, and bein' a hefty woman I struck hard-but I didn't begreeclh my trouble. True politeness is dear to me; true courtesy is a near relation to principle, as near as 2nd cousin. THE PITKINS FAMILY 323 This little episode over, and polite manners attended to, Elam Pitkins continued on: "< As I say, the Deacon give it to me strong about my son Tom-he made me feel wicked as a dog-said I'd be the ruination of him. You see the way on't was, Loon Town is a great place for politics, lots of congressmen make it their home here summers, and so it is run down in its morals-lots of drinkin' saloons, and other places of licenced ruination, and billiardrooms, and so 4th-and Tom bein a bright, wide-awake lad, got kinder unstiddy for a spell. You know boys at that age take to fun and amusement as naterally as a duck takes to water; its nater, jest as much as the sun is nater or the moon, and can't be helped any more than they can. Well, his ma and I talked it over, I was a great case to read nights-solid books, such as Patent Office Reports and the Dictionary bein' my holt-and she was great on mendin'-socks hein' her theme and stiddy practice. But Tom was a gettin' unstiddy; and we talked it over and come to the conclusion that these occupations of ourn, though they was as virtuous as two young sheep's, still they wasn't very highlarious and happyfyin' to a boy like Tom. And what do you s'pose we did-his ma and I? Well sir, if you'll believe it, we learnt to play dominoes, that woman and I did and both on us a goin' on fifty You ort to seen us handle them dominoes at first! We'd never either on us touched one before, but we kep' at it, a studyin' deep, till we could play a good 13 324 TAKING A HAND. I hand; and if I had give Tom a 50 dollar bill, he wouldn't have been half so tickled as he was when his ma and I sot down to play dominoes with him for the first time. And then if you'll believe it, his ma and I tackled the checker board next, and mastered that; Tom COMPETING WITH THE BAR-ROOM. beats us most every time, and I am glad on it, and his ma is too. Then I got a box of authors; it don't take near so much mind to play that as it does dominoes, most anybody can learn that, and it is a beautiful game-Thackuary and Dickens and all on 'em painted out as plain as day on 'em-and we bought lots of interestin' books wrote by these very SAVING TOM. 395 men that we got acquainted with in this way. And before winter was out, I got a set of parlor crokay,.and when the bar-room winders was all lit up, seeminlv a beconin' Tom and others like him to come and be ruined, we lit up our sittin'-room winders brighter still, and bein' considerable forehanded, and thinkin' it is cheaper than to pay whisky bills, and gamblin' debts, and worse-we lay out-Tom's ma and I do-to have fruit, and nuts, and pop-corn, and lemonade and so 4th every evening, and Ton's mates are made welcome, when they come. Why good land! You can't git Tom away from home now liardly enough to be neighborly We have kep' up such doin's year after year, and Tom is goin' on twenty-two; and between you and me-you are related to Deacon Coffin'ses folks, you say?" "Yes," says Josiah and I. "Well, you look so sort o' friendly, and you'd be apt to hear of it any way, so I'll tell you; Tom got sweet on the Deacon's Molly; perfectly smit by her, and before they knew it, as you may say, they was engaged. Nater, you know, jest as nateral as the sun is, or the moon, or anything; but when Tom told us alout it, and we had always been so kind of familiar with him, sort o' mated with him, that it come nateral in him to confide in us-he thinks a sight on us Tom does-I told him to be honorable and manly, and tackle the old Deacon about it. Tom is brave as a lion-he wouldn't hang back a inch from 326 TOM AND MOLLY bears or tigers or crockydiles or anything of the kindbut when I mentioned the idee of his tacklin' the old Deacon, I'll be hanged if Tom didn't flinch, and hang back. Says he " I hate to; I hate to go near him, he is such a good man;" says he, "he makes me feel as if I could crawl through a knot hole, as if I wanted to." But my advice, to Tom was from day to day, " tackle the old Deacon." And finally Tom tackled him; and the old Deacon was madder than a hen. " A ious hen," says I coldly, for I was a beginnin' to not bear the old Deacon. "Yes," says he, "bein' so darned good, he said Molly shouldn't marry any feller that laughed and played dominoes and danced-and Tom had danced once or twice to one of our neighbors, and the old Deacon had heerd of it-so he turned Tom out doors, and forbid Molly's speakin' to him again; Molly, tlhev say, took it bad, and it come powerful hard on Tomn. He is a soft hearted feller Tom is, and lie fairly worshipped her; but his ma and I brought him "up to meet trials bravely, and it is a pattern to anybody to see hlow brave, and calm, and patient lie is, with his trouble makin' him as poor as a snail. Stiddy to work as a clock, cheerful, and growin' poor all the time; awful good to babys, and childern Tom is, sense it took place, and growin' pale, and poor as a rat. I tell you it comes pretty tough on his ma and THE DEACON LECTURES ELAM. 327 me to see it go on; but Tom wont be underhanded, and he'll have to grin and bear it, for the Deacon says lie never changes his mind, and he is so tarnal good I s'pose he can't. "He talked powerful to me the day lie rode with me; I don't know when I ever felt wickeder and meaner than I did then; I can truly say that when the old Deacon got out of the buggy, and for several hours after that, I could have been bought cheap-probable from 25 to 30 cents-he give it to me so for lettin' To:ri play games, and playin' with him myself. He said I was doin' the devil's work; a immortal soul left to my charge, and I a fillin' it up with dominoes and checkers. "' But,' says I, ' Toni got to runnin' to the tarven; he got into bad company; I did it to stop him; factorum Deacon, honor bright.' "And then the Deacon give it to me for swearin'; lie was so good, lie thought honor bright and factorum was swearin', and says lie "' S'posen Tom did git to runnin' to the tarven and other places of ruination; then was the time for you to do your duty Preach his wickedness to him, keep at it every time lie come into the house day and night, down suller, and up stairs, to the table and the altar I s'posed you was a prayin' man, and prayed in your family.' "' I haint missed a night nor mornin' sense I joined the meetin'-house,' says I, 328 HOW TO3` SAVE: BOYS. "'Well, what a weapon that family altar might be, if you handled it right, to pierce Tom to the heart; to show lirn how gloomy his sins made you; to make him see your goodness, and his sinfulness; to make a pattern of yourself before him; and then evenin's you ort to be stern and gloomy, and awful dignified, and spend 'em, every one of 'em, in readin' religious tracts to him; warnin's to sinners, and the perils of the ungodly I would lend you half a bushel that I have used in bringin' up my own family, and if you took this course, what a happyfyin' thought it would be, that, whatever course lie took, whether he went to ruin or not, you had done your duty, set him a pattern of righteousness, and his wickedness couldn't be laid to your charge, and you could have a clear conscience, and be happy, even if you looked down from the shinin' shore, and see him a wreathin' in torment.' "'But,' says I, 'what if my preachin' his wickedness into him, and readin' tracts at him had the effect of makin' him hate religion, and drivin' him away from home to the tarven and wickedness? After Tom was ruined, my makin' a pattern of myself, and feelin' innocent, wouldn't bring Tom back. And,' says I,'if I kep' Tom from goin' to ruin,by keepin' him to home, and playin' dominoes with him-and didn't feel innocent-lemme see-where be I-' " " And I scratched my head till every hair stood up on end, I was so puzzled, and kinder worked up, a TOM'S MOTHER. 329 thinkin' how I would go to work to be innocent in the matter, and whether after I had lost Tom, my bein' a pattern would be much of a comfort to me or his ma, but though I scratched my head powerful, I couldn't scratch a clear idee of the matter out of it. But I tell you, the Deacon made me feel small, so small that when I got home, I was most tempted to go in through the key-hole; and mean-I knew I was the meanest man in North America, I could have took my oath on it with a clear conscience. "< But Tom's ma felt different about it when I talked it over with her, and she went on and give her views on bringin' up childern and religion, and things, for about the first time I ever heerd her in my life-she bein' one of the kind that believes in doin' more and sayin' less, though, if there is anybody livin' that can beat her in piety, I'd love to see 'em. As I say, I never see her talk so earnest and sort of inspired like, as she did then; it went to my heart so, took me so ' right where I lived '--as the poet says-and I have thought it over so many times sense, that I can remember every word on it, though there was powerful long words in it. But good land! long words haint nothin' for Tom's ma to handle; she's dretful high learnt, teached a deestrick school for years, I never shall forget how she looked when she was a talkin' it to me; how her eyes shone, she has got big brown eyes jest like Tom's, and they sort o' lit up, jest as if there was a kerosine lamp a burnin' inside of her face, 330 A MOTHER'S VIEWS. or several candles; she talked powerful. She said she didn't think we need feel condemned; says she: "' We have always taught our boy to love God, and taught him that He was the one reality in an unreal world.' Says she, 'I have tried from his childhood to make Him who is invisible, a real presence to him, not an abstract idee; taught him that unseen things were more real than the seen; that love-even his mother's love for him, which was as intangible as a breath of air-yet was still so much more imperishable than the form that enshrined it-stronger than life or death-was but a faint symbol of that greater love that so far transcended mine. That this love was the one rock of safety standin' for evermore the same amid the ebb and flow of this changeful earthly life; and that safe in that love he could not by any possibility be harmed by life or death or any other creature; and if he was lost, it would not be because God desired it;' says she, 'I could not teach our boy to love God with a slave's love for a tyrant, made up of fear and doubt; to think of Him as a far-off unapproachable bein', in a remote inaccessible heaven; lookin' down from a height of gloomy grandeur with a stern composure, a calm indifference, on the strugglin' souls below, he had created; indifferent to their sufferin's, their gropin's after light and truth, their temptations, their blind mistakes; ready and anxious to condemn; angry with their innocent happiness.' Says she, 'It would be as impossible for me to worship THE OLD DEACON'S PIETY 331 the God of some Christians, as to worship a heathen God, and I have not taught our boy to worship such a bein', but I have learned him from a child, to look upon Him as his nearest and dearest friend, the truest, and the tenderest; the one always near him, ready to help him when all other help was vain; grieved with his wrong doin'; rejoicin' in his efforts to do right; helpin' him in his struggles with his small temptations; drawin' his soul upward with his divine love and tenderness. We have tried to teach him by our lives-which is the loudest preachin'-tllat the best way to show our love to God, is by bein' helpful and compassionate to a sorrowful humanity "' Says I, "'I The old Deacon don't look on religion in that light at all; he don't seem to want to do any good, but jest gives his whole mind to bein' wretchec himself, and condemnin' makin' them wretched. He seems to think if he can only do that, and keep himself from bein' amused in any way, he is travelin' the straight THE DEAOON. road to heaven; that truly is his strong pint.'" "Well, she said she thought of the Saviour's last 13* 332 TOM'S MOTHER'S FIRST SPEECH. charge to his disciples after his death and resurrection, when his words might well contain all earthly experience, and heavenly wisdom. Three times he asked that disciple, 'Lovcst thou me?' And each separate time lie bade him prove that love, not by bein' gloomy faced and morose, not by loud preachin' and condemnation of others, and long prayers and vows to Him, but in carin' for the flock lie had left. And when he pronounced the doom of the condemned, it was not because they had been happy and cheerful, not because they had neglected the creeds and forms of religion, but because they had seen Him in the form of a sufferin' humanity, naked, athirst, and faint, and had not ministered unto Him. " She talked like a little female preacher, Tom's ma did; it was the first speech she had made sense I knew her, and that was goin' on forty years, countin' in seven years of stiddy conrtin' And says she in windin' up-you know preachers always wind up, and Tom's ma did-says she "' I guess we won't begin to be stern and dignified with Tom now, for we don't care in particular about gainin' the admiration of an awe-struck world, or awakenin' Tom's fears by makin' patterns of ourselves;' and says she, 'I have always found, that people who set themselves up for patterns are very disagreeable as companions.' Says she, 'What we want is to save our boy, make him good and happy, and I am not a bit afraid of makin' him too happy in zzJ THE CONDEMNED FIDDLE. A WICKED INSTRUMENT. 335 an innocent way;' says she, 'for goodness is the own child of happiness on its mother's side.' "Who is the other parent? " says I. "Says she with a reverent look: "'Goodness is born of God, and happiness is its own mother, nursed and brought up by her,' She talked powerful, Tom's ma did. But as I was a sayin', in the matter of Molly the Deacon stands firm, and Molly bein' the only child there, the old Deacon most probable hates to be left alone, though they do say that the Deacon is goin' to marry a Miss Horn, who spent last winter here to her brother's, and-'' 1 But my Josiah interrupted him: "Molly the only child? Where's Zebulin Jr " " Oh he run away in war time. He'd worked day and night to make a fiddle. His mind was all sot on music, and they said the fiddle sounded first-rate; but when he got it done, the old Deacon burnt it up; he was so everlastin' good, that he thought fiddlin' was wicked. But Zeb Jr. not bein' so good, couldn't look at it in that light, so he left." "Where's Zacheus?" "Oh Zack, he run away a few weeks after Zeb did. It was sunthin' about a checker-board that ailed Zack-I believe the old Deacon split it up for kindlin' wood. Anyway it was someway where the Deacon showed up his own goodness and Zack's sinfulness." "Well, where are the twins, Noah and Nathan?" "Oh the twins got to runnin' to the tarvern. They'd 336 RAISING PIRATES. get out of the winder nights, after pretendin' to go to bed early; said they couldn't stay to home. I s'pose the Deacon was so good, that it made 'em powerful uncomfortable, they bein' so different. It was jest about that time I had such a tussle to keep Tom to home. They was both of 'em jest about Tom's age, they was next older than Molly Well, as might be expected, they got into bad company to the tarvern, got to drinkin' and carousin', and the Deacon turned 'em out doors. Bein' so good he naturally couldn't stand such doin's at all, and they went from bad to worse. I don't know where they be now, though I heerd they had gone to sea. They seemed to be the most sot ag'inst religion of any of 'em, the two twins was. I heerd they vowed they'd be pirates before they died, but I don't know whether they ever got up to that aim of theirn or not." " Well, there was another boy, between Zebulin Jr. and Zack. Where is he? " " Oh, that was Jonathan. A real good-hearted feller Jont was, and full of fun when his father wasn't round; of course the old Deacon wouldn't stand no fun. Jont was the smartest one of the lot, and his mother's idol. Well, the old Deacon was bent on Jonts preachin', was determined to make an Elder of him, and Jont hadn't never experienced religion, nor nothin.' He told his father, I've heern, that he never had no call to preach, and that he was sot on bein' a carpenter. Always putterin' round a carpenter's shop, CALLING A PREACHER. 337 and makin' little housen, and wheels ard things, Jont was; his nateral nater all seemed to run that way, FOOLIN' AWAY TIME. but the old Deacon wouldn't give in, said he called him, himself. He atted Jont about it all the time, preachin' at him, and exhortin' him. He was bound at convertin' Jont himself. I s'pose he exhorted him powerful, and Jont not bein' good enough to stand it, the upshot of the matter was, he jined a circus; turns summersets and so 4th." 338 THE NAME -AND THE GAME. " What did Uncle Zebulin say to that?" " Oh, the old Deacon is so dignified you can't never see no change in him, he haint one of the kind to squirm. He said in a conference meetin' that week, that it was dretful consolin' to think he had always done his duty by Jont, sot his sinful state before him day and night, and been a pattern before him from his youth. He was thankful and happy that his sin didn't lay on his coat-skirts. But it jest killed the old lady; she didn't live only a few weeks after Jont left." "Then Aunt Patience is dead?" says Josiah sithin'. "Yes, she had been in a kind of a melanch olly way for some time, had kind o' crazy spells, and when Jont left home that used her completely up." " It seems to me there was another boy, but 1 can't call him by name this minute." " Oh, you mean Absolom." "Yes, Absolom! Where's he?" says Josiah. " Oh, Absolom stole a cow and was sent to jail. He said he'd always been called ungodly, and if he had the name, he'd have the game; so he stole a cow and was shet up." " I was a thinkin' I heerd that Aunt Patience'es neice's boy was a goin' to live with him,-the one that never had no father in particular" "Yes," says Elam Pitkins, "he did go to live there, but the old Deacon was so tarnal good that the boy couldn't stand it with him." " What was the matter?" says Josiah. WILLIN' TO GO. 339 "Well, the old Deacon bein' sot so firm onto the docterines himself, thought the boy ort to think as lhe did, and be willin', if it was for heaven's glory, to be burnt up root and branch. The old Deacon wvorked at that boy eight months night and day to makýe hin willin' to go to hell; and the boy, bein' a master hand for tellin' the truth, and not bein' good enough to be willin' to go, wouldn't say that he was. But the old Deacon had 'got his back up,'-as a profane poet observes-and he was bound to carry the day, and he'd argue with him powerful, so they say, as to why he ort to be willin' He'd tell him he was a child of wrath, and born in sin; and the boy, bein' so mean, would sass him right back again, and tell him that he didn't born himself; that it wasn't none of his doin's and he wasn't to blame for it, and that if he had had his way, and been knowin' to it at the time, he'd drather give ten cents than to have been born at all. " And the Deacon couldn't stand no such wicked talk as that, and he'd lay to and whip him, and then he'd try again to make him willin' to go to hell. "And finally, the boy told him one day that lie was willin'; he'd drather go, root and branch, than to live with him. And then the Deacun whipped him harder than ever; and the boy got discouraged and took to lyin', and probable there haint so big a liar to-day in North America. He's studyin' for a lawyer," Again my companion seemed to be almost lost in thought, and says he: 340 SLANDERIN' PROVIDENCE. " It is the most astonishin' thing I ever see, that so good a man as Uncle Zebulin, should lhave a family that turned out so bad. It seems to be a mysterious dispensation of Providence." "Yes!" says Elam Pitkins. "It is Providence that done it, I haint a doubt of it." This made me so agitated, that entirely unbeknown to myself I riz right up in the wagon, and says I: "Josiah Allen if you lay any more such doin's to Providence, I'll know the reason why" Says I, " Not bein' Elam Pitkins'es natural gardeun, if he's a mind to slander Providence I can't help it, but you shant, Josiah Allen. You shall not talk ag'inst Providence, and abuse him by layin' conduct to him that He is as innocent of as a infant babe. "Well! well! do set down Samantha. How it does look for you to be a standing up a ridin'" The democrat give a awful jolt jest that minute, and truly I did what my companion advised me to, I sot down. But though my body was a settin' down my mind was up and a doin', for I see what was before me. I see that as a Promiscous Advisor there was a job ahead of me to tackle in the cause of Right. When Elam Pitkins sot us down in front of Uncle Zebulin Coffin'ses house door, (two miles and a half almost, from Loon Town), the sun was jest a goin' to bed for the niight; a settlin' down into a perfect pile of gold and purple and crimson bed clothes and comforters. But it seemed as if after he had pulled up SUNSET. 341 the great folds of shinin' drapery over him and covered his head up, he was a laughin' to himself down under the bed-clothes, to think he had left the world lookin' so beautiful and cheerful. Everything seemed to appear sort of happy and peaceful and still, still as a mouse, almost. It was the time of daisies and sweet clover, and all along the quiet country road, the white daisies was a smilin' and noddin' their bright heads. And the sweet clover, and the wild roses with their pretty red lips that the bees had been a kissin' the biggest heft of the day, seemed to take a solid comfort in lookin' bright, and makin' the air sweet as honey, and sweeter There had been a shower of rain in the mornin', and old Nater's face was all washed off as clean as a pink, not a mite of dust on it. The medder was green as green could be, and the wavin' wlieat fields, looked first-rate. There was a strip of woods towards the west, quite a considerable ways off, shady and still it looked, and beyond that we could see the lake, part of it blue and serene like, and part of it lookin' like them streets of gold, we read about. The birds was a singin' sort o' low and sweet in the trees in the orchard. The sky overhead blushed up kinder pink, but the east was blue and clear, and the moon was sailin' up in it like a silver boat that had sot out for the land of Pure Delight and expected to get there in a few moments. I don't know when I ever see a handsomer time. 342 A H[ANDSOME TIME. There are times you know, when it seems as if heaven and earth got so near to each other, that the stream of the Unknown that divides our world from the world of eternal light and beauty, could be spanned by one minute, if you could fix that minute onto an arrer, and aim it right, and shoot it straight. Oh! how beautiful and consolin' and inspirin' and happyfyin' every tliing looked, and I remarked to my pardner in tones of rapped admiration and extacy " Josiah, did you ever see so handsome a time?" Josiah realized it; that man has a great eye for beauty Though he don't say so much as some umen do, he feels the more. His eyes looked dreamy and sort o' neditatin', and his tones was low and gentle, as he replied to me " I hope they haint eat supper yet Samantha." Before I could answer him, a man come round the corner of the house, a walkin' slowly along with his hands clasped under his coat-tails, and I knew the minute I sot eyes on him it was Uncle Zebulin Coffin. IHe was tall, and big boneded, but in dretful poor order; lie had wintered bad, I knew His face was from half to three-quarters of a yard in length. (I may not git the exact number of inches, never havin' laid a yard stick to him, but I made a careless estimate in my mind, and have probable got it pretty near right ) He seemed lengthy everyway. His nose was long, and his chin was long, and his mouth was drawed down lengthways dretful long, and his vest was long, SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. 343 and his coat tails was long, and black as a coal his clothes was, every mite of 'em; his vest was buttoned up tight to his chin, and he had a black stock on that come up to his ears. His head was well MEETIN' THE DEACON. lifted up, partly by the stock, and partly by dignity -about ]alf-and-half I should judge; or come to think it over, there was probable more dignity than there was stock. He was awful dignified, and oh! how 344 A CLOUD ON THE HORIZON. cold he looked. Why, when he come round the corner of the house and faced the west with his cold disapprovin' eyes, I'll be hanged if I didn't think that lie would freeze all the beauty and gladness out of the sky. And sure enough when I looked round, the sun had stopped laughin' in a minute, and in order to hide himself from the Deacon (as it were) had begun to haul up over his shinin' bed-clothes, a old faded out coverlet, grey as a rat; and a dark shadder was a fallin' over all the brightness of the world. When his eyes fell onto us, Josiah trembled imperceptably, but though cold shivers was a runnin' over his back, lie approached him-because he must-and I, not being one to desert my companion in the time of trouble, marched close by his side. " How do you do, Uncle Zebulin," and Josiah tried hard to smile. " We have come to see you." His face looked more dignified than ever, and several degrees colder. I declare it did seem as if Josiah's whiskers must show signs of frost, if it kep' on. "What stranger cometh to see me out of a world of darkness and sin? Who claims me as his kinsman?" And his voice was as cold as a axe in a December mornin,' jest as cold and icy "It is Josiah Allen, Uncle Zebulin, don't you know me? and this is Samantha." (And Josiah again made a fearful effort to smile.) But Zebulin Coffin drew his hands back, and folded 'em up under his coat-skirts, and looked at Josiahb JOSIAH QUESTIONED. 345 minute or two in complete stillness, and his mean was as cold as a therinomiter hangin' up right on the North pole. It was a awful time. Finally lie spoke " I rememberyou Josiah Allen, you tarried with us occasionally in your youthful days. The last time you were here you snickered at prayer time, one of my own ungodly sons pierein' you witli a pin ave you repented of your sinful ways, Josiah Allen? Are you weary of husks?" Oh! how wretclhed and1 mneachin' Josiah Allen looked. Ile felt too mean to speak, anld Uncle Zebulin wenlt on: "If you are weary of husks and tired of swine, I can forgive you Josiah. Have you repented? Are you worthy of forgiveness? Speak, Josiah Allen, have you come to eat of the fatted calf?" - If Josiah Allen had been a slieep, a full blooded merino, lie couldn't have looked any more sheepish. Jest at that minute a real sweet voice, but sort o' sad like, called out from the other side of the house " Supper's ready, father" And then Zebulin Coffin ungripped his hands from under his coat tails, and shook hands first with Josiah and then with me. But it was done in such a way that takin' the clammy feelin' of his hand, and the cold icy look of his eye, and his name bein' Coffin, and all, I declare I felt jest as if I was at a funeral, and was one of the first mourners. A prettier girl than Molly Coffin I don't want to 346 THE ANCHOR OF THE HEART see! Nater is likely and well behaved,-does lots of work too, but sometimes through havin' so much on her mind, I s'pose the old gal gits frisky and cuts up curious capers. And if she had made a rosebud spring up and blow out in a dark suller bottom, it wouldn't have been a mite curiouser caper than for such a blossom of a girl to blow out of such a soil as the Deacon's soil. Pretty, and patient, and tender-hearted, and sad, and hopeless, and half broken hearted, I could see that too; and thle minute we was introduced, I jest laid holt of her and kissed her as if she hlad been my own girl. And Josiah kissed her too, and I was glad on it. I liaint one of the jealous kind, and I know my companion is one man out of a thousand. He has perfect confidence in my behavior day and night, and I have in hisen; and oil! what a consolin' comfort that is. Confidence is the anchor of the heart, if it holds fast and firm, what safety and rest it gives, but if the anchor wont hold, if it is waverin' and goes a driftin' back and forth, a draggin' the ropes of your affections that try to grip holt of it-through the mud and the mire, oh, how wearin' it is to the rope and to the heart. But my trust in Josiah is like a cast-iron anchor that grapples the rock every time; no shock of the waves of change and chance and other wimmen can unhitch it; for truly I know that though Josiah Allen is a short man, his morals are as high and towerin' as a meetin' house steeple; but I am a episodin'. WHAT WORE ON MOLLY. 347 Molly had baked potatoes and cold meat, besides pie and cake and preserves, and such stuff; and as we had gone in entirely unexpected, I knew that Molly was a good housekeeper, for her vittles was good enough for the very best of company But the Deacon didn't seem to be satisfied with a thing she did. His eyes, as cold as the middle of last winter, follered her all the time chuck full of disapproval. Her big sorrowful eyes watched his face anxiously and sort o' fearful like, every time he spoke, for she was one of them gentle, lovin' ones, that i l \ i a harsh word or a cold look stabs like a blow; and I know it was them words and looks added to sorrow and Tom Pitkins, that had made her pretty cheeks so thin and white, and >" give that wistful, e friglhtened, sorrowf,,l look to her big brown eyes. There she sot not darin' to MOLLY CONSOLIN' TOM PITKINS. say a word, and there my companion sot lookin' as if he had stole a sheep. The Deacon asked a blessin', remindin' the Lord 848 " THE STAPP OF LIFE." how awful good a christian he was, and asked him for mercy's sake to pity the sinners assembled round his board. It was about as long as one chapter of Pollock's Course of Time. Josiah thought when we was a talkin' it over afterwards, that it was as long as the hull Jook, the hull course of time itself, but it wasn't. We stood it first-rate, only his words was so condcuinin' to us, and frigid, and lie did it in such a freezii' way that I was most afraid it would make the potatoes cold as snow-balls. I am a great case for potatoes; the poet made a mistake as fur as I am concerned, for truly to me potatoes are " the staff of life"-or staffs I suppose would be more grammarins. And as I see that man set at the head of the table almost completely wrapped up in dignity-like a great self-righyteous damper a shettin' off all the warmth and brilgtness of life from the hull on us, and a feelin' so uncommon big over it--I declare, duty and principle kep' a hunchin' me so, and puttin' me up to tackle hi, that I couldn't hardly eat. I knew the hour drew near for me to set fire to myself as a martyr, and as a Promiscous Advisor to tackle him in the cause of Right and Molly Most all the while we was a eatin', the Deacon kep' a hintin' and a preachin' about the wickedness and depravity of wimmen dressin' themselves up; and every time he would say anything, he would look at Molly as if he was determined to freeze her as stiff as a poker. When we got up from the table, and FEMALE EXTRAVAGANCE. 349 sot out in the settin'-room, I see what his talk meant. It seemed she was a makin' a white dress for herself out of muslin-jest a finishin' it off with some modest lookin' lace on the neck and sleeves, and a small-a very small and reasonable amount of puckers; she could make the hull on it in a day and a half at the outside, and I could see she would look as pretty in it as a pink. When the old Deacon went to set down, he took the skirt of the dress that happened to be a layin' over his chair, and handlin' it with considerable the countenance he would a checkered adder, he broke out colder and frigider than ever: "No wonder the national debt haint paid; no wonder ruin and bankruptcy are in the land, and it is wimmen's base carnal extravagance that does it." " Yes," says Josiah-who seemed to want to curry the Deacon's fvor-" it is jest as you say; wimmen is tarnal extravagant." Oh how he looked at Josiah; "I said carnal, I am not in the practice of profane swearin' " Oh how sorry my Josiah looked, to think he had tried to curry him down. And then the Deacon went on about wimmen's base and vile extravagance, as much as seventeen minutes by the clock, givin' such a look once in a while onto my respectable overskirt, and lace head-dress, and Molly's dress, enough to make icikles hang to 'em. I heerd him go on as long as I could, and then says I "No doubt some of my sect are extravagant; I 14 350 WHY WIMMEN ARE EXTRAVAGANT. dare persume to say that some of the big wimmen in Wash.ngton and New York, and other big villages of the Union, git new clothes sometimes before the old ones are wore out, I hear they say, that they have to dress up or they can't git any attention paid to 'em from the more opposite sect; I hear they say, that the men there look down on 'em, and slight 'em, and treat 'em like perfect underlin's if they haint dressed right up in the height of fashion. Why, they say there was a fashionable woman at Washington whose bo had wrote a witherin' piece ag'inst wimmen's base wicked extravagance, bewarin' 'em, and urgin' 'em in the name of all that was great and good to come out and wear thick shoes, and dress with republican simplicity; and she, bein' converted by his burnin' eloquence, and bein' anxious to marry him, thought she Sj could bring him to terms by follerin' on after his advice. So she arrayed her self in a brown, high-necked alapaca dress, barren of ruffles and puckers, made to clear the floor and show - her sensible calf-skin shoes, DRESSED FOR THE BALL. and went to a big party, expectin' her bo would be so thankful to her for follerin' his advice; so proud of her; so highly pleased with her behavior, that she would go home as good DANGER OF FOLLERIN' MEN'S ADVICE. 351 as married to him. But they say, when lie see how she was dressed, he wouldn't speak to her, nor look at her it broke up the match, he treated her witl awful contempt, and witherin' scorn; and she went into extravagance more than ever, spent every cent of her property in gauzes, and bobinet lace and things, wore 'em all out, and then went to the poor-house, a victim of leanin' too heavy onto such men's bewares. Lost and ondone; broke i down and mortified by hangin' too blindly onto that man's moral apron strings; I pity her, but I don't uphold her, nor himii neither; their heads was soft, both on 'em, too soft for comfort. "I dare say that there are lots of wim- EXTRAVAGANT WIMMEN. men besides her that git new bunnets when they haint a sufferin' for 'em, and buy new dresses when their old ones haint hardly come to mendin', and mebby some of 'em have two or three sets of jewelry at one time; and these dresses, and bunnets, and jewelry, folks can lay holt of, and shake out before 852 WHICH IS THE WORST? the eyes of the public, and the public can look at 'em, and shed tears onto 'em, and bewail over 'em about wimmen's extravagance; but men's extravagance haint so easy to git holt of as store clothes be. You can't weep over cigar smoke when it is evaporated, and after they are over with, you can't git holt of costly wines, and club dinners, and yot races, and rides after FRUGAL MEN. fast horses, and bets, and gamblin' debts, and worse. As T said, their extravagance is harder to git liolt of, but it is worse than eicrs; for if she and lie gits hungry, sle can sell hler jewelry and fine clothes to buy bread for 'cm, but who-no ma:tter how lig a speculator he is-who can sell costly lunches years afterwards, "THE LILIES OF THE FIELD." 353 and wines after they are drunk up, and gamin' and horse debts after they are paid up, and old pleasure rides after fast horses, and etcetery A man couldn't sell 'em at any lay at all, if he starved to death, so man's extravagance is more extravagant than woman's. The Deacon didn't mind my words no more'n the wind a whistlin' round the corner of the barn, but he give a look onto the little white waist that was a layin' on the table, as angry and rebukin' a look as I ever see, and says he: " To think an immortal soul will peril its hopes of heaven on such wicked vanity " "Wicked!" says I, holdin' up the little waist admirin'ly on my thumb and forefinger. "It haint wicked, it is as white as chalk clean through," says I, "who told us to consider the lilies, and they are puckered up, and ruffled off as much again as this is, and all ornamented off with little gold ornaments, if there was any wickedness in 'em would He have sot us to considerin' of 'em? No! Zebulin Coffin, no!" And then I went on in pretty reasonable tones "No woman can have stronger principles than I have on the subject of ruffles and knife pleatin's, when pursued after as a stiddy business and a trade. But I say it is jest as sensible to expect young folks in the spring of life, to want to kinder trim themselves out and look pretty, as it is to expect cverytling else to kinder blow out in the spring of the year; apple trees, and pozy beds and so 4tl." Says I, "I am a Promiscous Advisor by trade Uncle 354 SAMANTHA GIVES A HINT. Zebulin, and I feel it my duty to say to you promiscously, that you are unreasonable; you don't have charity enough for folks." And then as I calculated to all the time, I give him a very, very blind hint about Tom Pitkins-for I thought mebby I could mollyfy the old Deacon about him--and so says I in a awful roundabout, blind way " Mebby you haint charity enough for a certain person that is likely as likely can be; mebby you condemn this certain person because he plays dominoes, and has danced a very little in a neighborly way The Deacon acted mad, and lie run on about dancin' almost fearfully, when I asked him considerable calmly " Did you ever dance when you was young, Uncle Zeb? " If a look could have cut anybodys head off, my Josiah would have mourned over a guluntined companion that very minute. "Dance! I dance!" Oh how he went on; and says I, " I s'pose you went to parties and played?" "Oh yes," says he, " In youthful mirth I gambolled through the innocent forms of ' Wink 'em Slyly' and such, but I never danced, I never committed that sin." " Nio," says I, " but you went through with all the motions of darcin', caperin' round the room, chasin' likely wimmen to Copenhagen; and a runnin' 'em through the Needles-eye till they was most dpad. Winkin' of 'em slyly, and racin' 'em round till you most run your precious legs off aud theirn too. You " WINK 'EM SLYLY." 355 went through all the motions of dancin', only instead of takin' their hands and promenadin' down the room with 'em at a slow respectable gait to the sound of music, you laid too and chased 'em, galloped after 'em like a wild Injun till you chased 'em down; takin' the advantage of 'em by dodgin' unbeknown to THE DEACON'S OLD GAME. 'em-catchin' holt of 'em and a tearin' their dresses, rippin' of 'em off at the waist; steppin, through their flounces, towzelin' their hair, and lamin' of'em. You chased 'em round in a particular form jest like dancin' only what took the wickedness off was your 356 CHILDREN'S RIGHTS. kissin' 'em when you catched 'em; every man in the room kissin' every woman promiscous; that made it moral and religious, so Deacons and all other meetin' house folks could foller it up." He looked wrathful, very; but I continued on in more reasonable axents: "I never had no call to be a dancer, I always thought my time could be spent in a more profitable way; and my Tirzah Ann never had no call that way, and neither did she ever take to those promiscous kissin' parties. When she was a little mite of a girl she didn't want to kiss anybody but her pa and me, and I wouldn't make her. Some thought she was too dainty and I ort to punish her. Wimmen with their faces covered with scotch snuff, have argued with me that it was my duty to whip her for hangin' back from kissin' 'em; but I says to 'em what if some big giant should stand over me and make me kiss Simon Slimpsey or Solomon Cypher, how should I feel? And Tirzah Ann has her rights as well as I have-childern's rights are jest as right as wimmen's rights. Why should I, because I am physically stronger than she is, force her to do what is disagreeable and repulsive to her? There is no justice in it. Little childern forced into this life entirely unbeknown to them, called out of the peaceful land of Nowhere into this troublesome world by no will of their own, ort to be treated well, Zebulin Coffin, by their fathers and mothers and parents. It is a solemn A GRAVE RESPONSIBILITY. 357 thing, one of the solemnest things that ever was done to wake up a deathless soul, to be endlessly happy or mniserable. An immortal soul, that can't through time or eternity-no matter how tired it is, ever go to sleep again; can't never lay off for half a moment, if ever so weary and despairin', the burden of life's responsibilities, the burden of life's sorrows; can't never lay down the awful-awful because so mysterious-gift of immortality, can't never go back to the serene if lonesome land you called 'em from-tlhey have got to face sorrow and weariness and death. You have sat 'em down in front of them troubles anyway; and thle least you can do for 'em is to make 'em as happy as you can, treat 'em with respect and civility and do well by 'em. And if their hearts seem to be sot on certain persons, if them certain persons are likely-which they be-we ort to do as we would be done by if we was in Tom's and Molly's place." But I see then that even these roundabout hints wouldn't be took. I see how hard it was to mollyfy him about Molly, and I hastened to continue on. " As I was a sayin', I wouldn't make Tirzah Ann kiss folks promiscous when she was a child, and when she grew up sort of bashful like, it didn't trouble me, for I knew her little dainty, timid, modest ways was jest like the blush on a peach or a bunch of grapes; if that got brushed off by rough handlin', all the world couldn't never put it back again. As I said, she never had no drawin' towards balls and promiscous 14* 358 HOW WE BROUGHT UP TIRZAH. parties, and runnin' off nights away from home. And though I don't consider it the height of wickedness at all, still it didn't worry me a bit to have her contented and willin' to stay to home. She said home was the pleasantest spot in the world to her, and so Thomas J said. Josiah and I did our best to make home pleasant to the childern; we had all sorts of virtuous and harmless games, music and etcetery, to make 'em happy-and they was happy. We worked hard to git 'em headed right-and they did head right; and when a likely young man come along that loved Tirzah Ann, and she him, why we give our consent, jest as in my opinion certain persons ort to have the free and full consent of a certain Deacon." I would give him a blind hint once in a while, if he took my head off, but I see by his looks that it wouldn't do to come out plain jest yet, so I went on "I tried to make myself a sort of a mate to my Tirzah Ann, brought her up so's not to feel awestruck, and afraid of me, afraid to confide all her little tribulations and worryments to me." Says I, " We worked head work to keep 'em good and happy; Josiah and me did." The Deacon had sot for the last several moments with his head right up in the air, and his eyes rolled up so I couldn't see much besides the whites of 'em, and as I stopped a few moments (for truly my breath had give out, my deep principle tone uses up breath dretful fast) he groaned out; " Works." FAITH AND WORKS SHOULD GO TOGETHER. 359 But I says mildly, "don't you believe in works? " "No I don't, I believe in faith, you seem to lay out to be saved by works." And again he spoke out that " works," 'as if it was the meanest thing he ever heerd on, he lifted up his nose in as unbelievin, and scornful a way as I ever see a nose lifted up. But I kep' cool, and says I, " No, I don't; but I believe faith and works ort to go together, they ort to work in one harness a drawin' the soul alung the straight and narrer way." Says I, " They haint calculated to work in a single harness, either of 'em; they are double breasted, and folks ort to realize that they be." 'Says I, "I have seen folks before now that kep' the eye of their faith bent so stiddy upwards, that they didn't know nor care how many weak and helpless ones they was crunchin' down under their heels; how many infant babes was a perishin' with hunger about 'em, starvin' physically, and spiritually; the air full of the groans and prayers of a sufferin' humanity, and they a walkin' calmly on, a hangin' on to their faith, and their old beliefs, as if it was the most delightful and consolin' thing they ever heerd on, to think they was goin' to be saved, and somebody else wasn't. And then I've seen them that laid themselves out on their good works, thought they was goin' to earn a deed of the heavenly homestead by doin' day's works below, think they made themselves, and worship their maker But there haint either of these ways the right way." 310 FAITH WITHOUT WORKS. Says I, "If you was a drowndin', you would believe in faith and works both. You would want somebody to have faith, they could git you out, and then you would want 'em to lay to, and haul you ashore." Says I, " Faith alone in that case would drownd you stiffer'n a mush-rat; and jest so in various cases,-poor widders for instance. Now several hundred deacons may git together in a warm meetin'-house, and lean over on their creeds and have faith that a certain widder will come through the winter all right. And probable it wouldn't be half the help to her that one HELPIN' THB WIDDER. small deacon would be that loaded up his Bobs with stove-wood, and flour, and potatoes, and side-pork, and jest worked his way along through the snow to her WORKS WITHOUT FAITH. 361 cold empty suller. And then on the other.hand not to have any faith, that I couldn't stand. Some folks say they wont believe in anything they can't see for themselves. Good land! how will they git holt of the prefume of a rose, or tackle a gust of wind? One is sweet enough to fill you with happiness, and the other is strong enough to blow you over, but you can't git holt of one, with your two hands, or wrastle with the other and throw it. " We work by faith every day of our lives; we plant seed in the dark earth, believin' that though the seed perishes, it will break the bands of death, and rise in greenness and bloom; though jest how it does that job you cant tell, nor I cant, nor Josiah. They needn't talk to me about not believin' anything they don't understand; for what do we understand come to look at the matter fair and square?" Says I, "Life itself is a sober riddle, the solemnest conundrum that was ever put out to humanity. Who has ever been able to git the right answer to it by reasonin' it out himself, and if he did cypher out an answer, to suit himself, how would he know it was the right one? We see that things be, but why they be so, you can't tell, nor I, nor Josiah. " Truly, if anybody gits to pryin' into hidden things, and reasonin' on first causes, he finds that the flood is deep and the rain is descendin' onto him, and the proud peaks of his own reason and judgment is drownded completely out. But God has sent forth 362 A GOOD ANCHOR. an ark that rides triumphant on the face of the waters; His revealed word floats above the rainy deluge of our fears and wonderments. Not to have any faith would tucker me completely out; there would be a looseness to it I couldn't stand, a waverin' unstiddyness that would upset me, and take me offen my feet." Says I, " Faith and works ort to be twisted in one strand, and when they are, they make a cord that anchors the soul to the Rock of Ages, and holds it there fast and firm, so that change, and chance, and sin, and temptation, and all the storms of this stormy life will beat ag'inst it in vain, and bimeby that very cord will draw the soul right up through the pearly gates into the city of our Lord." I declare I didn't hardly know where I was, nor who I was, I was so almost lost and carried away some distance by my emotions. But I was soon drawed back to the realities of this life by Zebulin Coffin. His mind was a roamin' back to the subject on which he had went on, and again he spoke out with a groan: " To think! to think I have lived to see and hear a church member uphold dancin' " " I haint a holdin' it up," says I, coldly. " With the firm cast-iron principles I have got, I never would dance a step with anybody but my Josiah; and it haint much likely we shall begin to learn the trade now, as old as we be, and most dead with the rheumatiz, both on us. Why, if we should waltz together, as lame as 1 be, I couldn't keep my feet half a minute; PLAIN TALK TO UNCLE ZEB. 363 and if I should fall on my pardner, he would be a dead man, and I know it; I am hefty, very, and lie is small boneded, and weighs but little by the steelyards. I love that man devotedly, and I don't want to dance; but I say and I contend for it, if I was a follerin' up ' Wink-em-Slyly' and etcetery, I wouldn't have too much to say ag'inst other kinds of caperin' round the floor, such as dancin' and so 4th." "I say all this to you, Uncle Zebulin, not as Josiah Allen's wife, but as a woman with a vow on her. When folks set out on towers as Promiscous Advisors, they set out as sufferers and martyrs; they set out expectin' to be burnt up on various stakes of the same. I have locked arms with Principle, I am keepin' stiddy company with Duty, and they are a drawin' me along and a hunchin' of me in the side, a makin' mie say to -you, that you are as self-righteous as the Old Harry; that you are more sot on makin' a pattern of yourself than in makin the world 'round you happier and brighter; that instead of reflectin' heaven's peace and glory back again upon a sad earth as christians ort to, you have made a damper of yourself, shettin' off all warmth and light and happiness, a damper for sinners to set down and freeze to death by " " To think!" he groaned out, "that anybody should dare to find fault with me when I haint committed a sin in thirty-five years, nor smiled in over forty " "Not laughin' haint no sign of religion Uncle Zeb; because a man makes himself disagreeable and repul 364 WHAT TRUE RELIGION IS. sive, that haint another sign; gloom and discomfort haint piety; because a man is in pain it haint no sign lie is enjoyin' religion. I wouldn't give two or three straws for a religion that didn't make folks happier as well as better; more tender and charitable and pitiful; more loving and helpful to all humanity Bigotry and intolerance never was religion, Uncle Zeb, nor never will be, though they have been called so time and again, religion is sunthin' different, it is as beautiful as they are hegus; it is gentle, full of joy and peace, pure, easily entreated, full of good works, mercy, and charity-which is love. " It is not Samantha, but a woman on the battlefield of Right, who is a rakin' you down with the arrers of Truth; it is a Promiscous Advisor who says to you, that you have for years been doin' what a great many do in the name of religion; you have wrapped yourself in your own dignity and self-righteousness, and worshipped yourself instead of God." I didn't say no more then to the old Deacon in a martyr way; 1 pulled in the reins and dismounted down from the war horse that was a canterin' away nobly with me, and a snortin' in the cause of Right. Though ready and willin' in spirit to mount this war horse and foller on where Principle leads, without saddle or bridle, and to suffer as a Promiscous Advisor, still it is a tuckerin' business, and if anybody don't believe it, let em ride off this war-horse on a tower. And the very hardest and most tuckerin' place it THE WAR-HORSE OF DUTY. 365 ever cantered into, the most gaulin' and awfulest place it ever pranced round in, is other folks'es housen. When it comes to advisin' folks promiscously, under their own " vials and mantletrees," never, never do I feel such temptations to give up my shield and fall offen his back. Oh, John Rogers! you never, never suffered more excruciatin'ly than does Josiah Allen's wife in such moments. Nothin', nothin' but princi ple could nerve me up to the agonizin' effort. As I said, I didn't say no more to the old Deacon that night in a martyr way, and oh! what a relief it was to dismount from the prancin' steed of Duty, throw off the sharp moral spur from my achin' feet, curl in my lofty principle tone, and assume again the gentle and almost affectionate axents of Samantha. And another reason why I thought I would be kinder easy with the old Deacon and not say anything to git him mad, was my determination to mollyfy him about Molly--and a plan I had in my head growin' bigger and stronger every minute-to marry that girl to Tom Pitkins, myself, before I left that house. The hired girl had told me-I went out to wash my hands to the sink and I happened to ask her in a polite way if she was goin' to see the Sentinal, and she said she was, that the old Deacon had told her that day he was goin' to be married in two weeks to Miss Horn, and sholidn't want her no longer-and if he was a goin' to marry that Horn what good was Molly a goin' to do there, only in a martyr way Some 366 PLANS LAID. gentle souls seem to be born martyrs, not to principles and idees, but ready to be offered up on a Horn or anything, ready to be pricked and scattered over with snuff in their pinnin' blankets, and grow up ready to sacrifice themselves to any idol that calls on 'em to-crumple right down and be sot fire to-such was Molly And it is for some strong hearted friend to snatch 'eml away from the fagots and tle kindlin' wood,-such a friend is Samantla. Some see happiness right in front of 'em, and are too weak to grasp holt of it, such need thee lelp of a hand like hers. I lay awake the biggest left of that night, a thinkin' in deep thought, and a layin' on plans. And finally I guess about three o'clock, I spoke out and says I: "Josiah Allen, we have got to marry Molly to-day before we leave this house." " Good land!" says Josiah startin' up on his piller full of horrer "Good land," says he, "I haint a Mormon, Samantlha, I can't marry to another woman." Says I coolly, " Lay down and compose yourself Josiah Allen; I am- a goin' to marry her myself." This skairt him worse than ever I could see, and he started up, with a still more ghastly look onto him. He was so pale with horrer tlat his bald head shone in the moonlight like a big goose egg, and his eyes stood out about a quarter of an inch with fear and excitement. He thought I was delerious, says he in tremblin' tones: "What does ail you Samanthal Shant I rub your back? Don't you want sunthin' to take " JOSIAH'S SLUMBERS DISTURBED. 367 Says I calmly, "I want a companion that wont interrupt me before I finish a speech. I am a goin' to marry Molly to Tom Pitkins myself before I leave " I HAINT A MORMON." this house. Lay down Josiah Allen and keep still while I talk it over with you." " Talk it over! " says he in loud angry tones, throwin' his head back on the piller "I would break out in the dead of night, and scare a man to death, a talkin' and a arguin'. Do go to sleep, and lemme." But I held firm, and would tell him about the plan I had been alayin' on through tlle night. I would tell him how I meant to mollyfy the Deacon about Molly. Says I, "Josiah Allen, I am a woman that has got 368 MOLLY'S MARRIAGE DISCUSSED. a vow on me, and I love that girl, as little as I have seen of her, and I am a goin' to do by her as I would want our Tirzah Ann done by " Says I, "We shant probable never visit Loon Town again; Tom Pitkins is liable to die off any time with the feelin's he feels for her; she is liable to die off any minute with her unhappiness, and her feelin's for him. I shouldn't wonder a mite if they didn't live more'n ten or fifteen years if things go on as they be now And as bad off and wretched as Molly is now, worse is ahead of her, the gloom of a Coffin is enough, let alone the hardness of a Horn. Molly haint a goin' to be sacrificed on that Horn, while I have got a life left. Desperate diseases require desperate medicines." " Well, do for mercy's sake go to sleep and lemme." "What if it was our Tirzah Ann that was in her place." Says I in a low deep voice, " Haint you a father, Josiah Allen?" "No I haint! " he snapped out enough to tear my night cap in to. " No I haint, nothin' nor nobody, nor I wont be at this time of night." " IIaint you no principle? " says I. "No I haint! not a darn principle." " I'd lay and swear if I was in your place Josiah '\len," says I almost coldly "Well! the idee of roustin' anybody up in the Jcead of night, and callin' on 'em for principle and t lings. But you wont git any principle out of me at this time of night, you'll see you wont," he hollered. THE DEACON MOLLYFIED. 369 He was almost a luny for the time bein' I pitted him, and says I soothin'ly: " Go to sleep Josiah, and we'll talk it over in the mornin' " He dropped off to sleep, and I kep' on a thinkin' and a layin' on my plans to marry Molly off till most mornin' And I did it, I married off Molly about one o'clock and we started for the Sentinal in the neighborhood of two. Jest how I mollyfied the old Deacon about Molly, and brought him to terms, I thought I wouldn't tell to anybody but Josiah. Mebby there was hints throwed out to him that there was Horns that would be meddled with, and sot up ag'inst him. I guess I hadn't better tell it, for I made up my mind that I wouldn't say nothin' about it to anybody but my Josiah. But I dressed Molly up that very afternoon, -she a blushin' and a laughin' and a cryin' at the same time-in that very white dress, and married her myself (assisted by a Methodist minister) to Tom Pitkins. And I have learned by a letter from Molly, and she sent me her new picture, (they have gone to housekeepin' and are as happy as kings) that her father is married to Miss Horn. And all I have got to say is, that she needs a good horn disposition to git along with him. And he, unless I am mistaken, will wish before the year was up that he was a sleepin' peacefully inside of his own Sername. THE GRAND EXHIBITION. FROM the first minute I had give a thought to goin' to see the Sentinal, my idee had been to git boarded up in a private house. And I had my eye (my mind's eye) upon who was willin' and glad to board us. The Editor of the Auger'ses wife's sister's husband's cousin boarded folks for a livin'-she was a Dickey and married to a Lampheare. The Editor of the Auger'ses wife told me early in the spring, that if she went, she should go through the Sentinal to her sisters', and she happened to mention Miss Lampheare and the fact that she boarded up folks for a livin'. So when we decided to go, I told her when she wrote to her sister to ask her, to ask Miss Lampheare if she was willin' to board Josiah and me, and how much she would ask for the boards. She wrote back; her terms was moderate and inside of our means, and my mind was at rest. I almost knew that Josiah would want to throw himself onto his relatives 370 ENCAMPING ON RELATIVES. 371 through the Sentinal, but the underpinnin' was no firmer and rockier under our horse barn than the determination of her that was Samantha Smith, not to encamp upon a 2nd cousin. We had quite a lot of relations a livin' out to Filadelfy-though we never seen 'em,-sort o' distant, such as 2nd cousins, and so 4th, till they dwindled out of bein' any relations at all; descendants of the Daggets and Kidds,Grandmother Allen was a Kidd-no relation of old Captain Kidd. No! if any of his blood had been in my Josiah's veins, I would have bled him myself if I had took a darnin' needle to it. No! the Kidd'ses are likely folks as I have heerd-and Josiah was rampant to go to cousin Sam Kidds (a Captain in the late war), through the Sentinal. But again I says to him calmly but firmly: " No! Josiah Allen, no! anything but bringin' grief and trouble onto perfect strangers jest because they happened to be born second cousin to you, unbeknown to 'em; " and I repeated with icy firmness -for I see he was a hankerin' awfully,-" Josiah Allen I will not encamp upon Captain Kidd through the Sentinal." No! Miss Lampheare was my theme, and my gole, and all boyed up with hope we arrove at her dwellin' place. Miss Lampheare met us at the door herself. She was a tall spindlin' lookin' woman, one that had seen trouble-for she had always kep' boarders, and had had four husbands, and buried 'em in a row, her 372 SEEKIN' BOARD.. present one bein' now in a decline. When I told her who I was, she met me with warmth and said that any friend of she that was Alminy Dickey was dear to her. But friendship, let it be ever so ardent can not obtain cream from well water, or cause iron bedsteads to stretch out like Injy Rubber She had expected us sooner, if we come at all, and her house was overflowin' - every bed, lounge, corner and cupboard, being occupied, and the buro and stand draws made up nightly for childern." What was we to do? Night would soon let down her cloudy mantilly upon Josiah and me, and what was to become of us. Miss Lampheare seemed to pity us, and she directed us to a friend of hers; that friend was full, he directed us to another friend; that friend was overflowin' And so it went on till we was almost completely tired out. At last Josiah come out of a house, where he had been seekin' rest and findin' it not; says he "They said mebby we could git a room at the 'Grand Imposition Hotel.'" So we started off there, Josiah a scoldin' every step of the way, and a sayin'. " I told you jest how it would be, we ort to have gone to Captain Kidd's." I didn't say nothin' back on the outside for I see by his face that it was no time for parley. But my mind was firm on the inside, to board in grocery stores, and room under my umberell, before I threw myself onto a perfect stranger through the Sentinal. THE GRAND IMISITION HOTEL. 373 But a recital of our agony of mind and body will be of little interest to the gay, and only sadden the tender hearted; and suffice it to say in a hour's time, we was a follerin' the hired man to a room in the "Grand Imposition Hotel." Our room was good enough, and big enough for Josiah and me to turn round in it one at a time. It had a bed considerable narrer, but good and healthy -hard beds are considered healthy, by the best of doctors-a chair, a lookin' glass, and a wash-stand. Josiah made a sight of fun of that, because it didn't have but three legs. But says I firmly, "That is one more than you have got Josiah Allen." I wouldn't stand none of his foolin' The room bein' pretty nigh to the ruff,--very nigh on the backside,-Josiah complained a sight about hittin' his head ag'inst the rafters. I told him to keep out then where he belonged, and not go to prowlin' round at the foot of the bed. "Where shall I go to Samantha," says he in pitiful axents. " I let you have the chair, and what will become of me, if I don't set somewhere, on the bed, or sunthin' " "Well," says I mildly, "less try to make the best of things. It haint reasonable to expect to be to home apd on a tower at the same time, simultaneous." When we eat supper we had a considerable journey to the dinin' room, which looked a good deal on the 15 374 JOSIAH ENJOYS THE HOTEL. plan of Miss Astor'ses, with lots of colored folks a goin' round, a waitin' on the hungry crowd. I didn't see the woman of the house--mebby she was laid up with a headache, or had gone out for an afternoon's visit-but the colored waiters seemed to be real careful of her property; they'd catch a tea-spoon right out of their pocket and put it in your tea; she couldn't have kep' a closer grip on her tea-spoons herself. I can truly say without stretchin' the truth the width of a horse hair, that the chamber-maid was as cross as a bear, for every identical thing I asked her for was a extra-she couldn't do it without extra pay, but she did git me some ice water once, without askin' me a cent extra for it. After we got to bed Josiah would lay and talk. He would speak out all of a sudden " Grand Imposition Hotel!" And I'd say, "What of it, what if it is?" And then he'd say " They have got a crackin' good name, Samantha. I love to see names tliat mioan sunthin. "' And then he'd ask me if I remembered the song about Barbara Allen, and if it would hurt my feelin's if he should lay and sing a verse of it to me, the bed put him in mind of it so." I asked him what verse-but there was that in my tone that made him say no more about singin'-he said it was the verse where Barbara wanted her mother to have her coffin made "long and narrer." And then he'd begin again about the pillers, and say MUSQUITOES AND TRAMPS. 375 how he wished he had brought a couple of feathers from home, to lay on, so he could have got some rest. He had pulled out a little wad of cotton-battin' before we went to bed to convince me of their ingredents. But I says to him: " Josial Allen, a easy conscience can rest even on cotton-battin' pillers," and I added in awful meanin' tones, " I am sleepy, Josiah Allen, and want to go to sleep. It is time," says I with dignity, ' that we was both reposin' in the arms of Morphine." Nothin' quells him down quicker than to have me talk in a classical high learnt way, and in a few minutes he was fast asleep. But though, as I told Josiah, my conscience was at rest and I felt sleepy, the musquitoes was dretful, and I don't know as a guilty conscience could roust anybody up much more, or gall anybody more fearfully They was truly tegus. And then the partition bein' but thin, I could hear folks a walkin'all night-and take it with their trampin' and thle musquitoes payin' so much attention to me, I never got no good sleep 'till most murlnin', but then I got a good nap, and felt considerable chirk when I got up. We eat our breakfast in pretty good season and laid out to git a early start. I didn't have but one draw-back worth mentionin' and that was, I had lost one eye out of my specks somewhere on our way from Melankton Spicer'ses, and 1 told Josiah I felt mortified, after I had lotted so on seein' the Sentinal, to think I had got to see 376 3STARTtN' FUR ~rH1 EXHfBIrrJOY'. him with one eye out, says he. "I guess you'll see enough with one eye before night." Then I put on my things and we sot sail. It was a lovely mornin' though considerable warm, and I felt well, and almost gay in spirits as we wended our way on our long and tegus journey from our room to the outside of the house; (we was goin' to walk afoot to the Sentinal, the distance bein' but short and triflin') but at last we reached the piazza, and emerged into the street; I see that every man, woman and child was there in that identical street, and I thought to myself, there haint no Sentinal to-day, and everybody has come out into this street for a walk. I knew it stood to reason that if there had been a Sentinal there would have been one or two men or wimmin attendin' to it, and I knew that every man woman and child on the hull face of the globe was right there before me, and behind me, and by the side of me, and fillin' the street full, walkin' afoot, and up in big covered wagons, all over 'em, on the inside, and hangin' on to the outside, as thick as bees a swarmin'. Some of the horses was hitched ahead of each other, I s'pose so they could slip through the crowd easier. I couldn't see the village hardly any owin' to the crowd a crushin' of me, but from what little I did see, it was perfectly beautiful. I see they had fixed up for us, they had whitewashed all their door-steps, and winderblinds, white as snow, and trimmed the latter all off with black ribbin strings. IN THE CROWD. 377 Everything looked lovely and gay, and I thought as I walked along, Jonesville couldn't compare with it for size and grandeur I was a walkin' along, crowded in body, but happy in mind, when all of a sudden a thought come to me that goared we worse than any elbo or umberell that had pierced my ribs sense we sot out from the tarvern. Thinks'es I all of a sudden; mebby they have put off the Sentinal 'till I come mebby I have disappointed the Nation, and belated 'em, and put 'em to trouble. This was a sad thought and wore on my mind conbiderable, and made me almost forget for the time bein' my bodily sufferin's as they pushed me this way and that, and goared me in the side with parasols and umberells, and carried off the tabs of my mnntilly as far as they would go in every direction, and shoved, and stamped, and crowded. I declare I was tore to pieces in mind and body, when I arrove at last at the entrance to the grounds. The crowd was fearful here, and the yells of different kinds was distractive; one conceited little creeter catched right holt of the tabs of my mantilly, and yelled right up in my face "Wont you have a guide? Buy a guide mom to the Sentinal." And seven or eight others was a yellin' the same thing to me, the impudent creeters; I jest turned round and faced the one that had got holt of my cape, and says I: " Leggo of my tabs!'" He wouldn't leggo; he stood and yelled out right 378 A FEARFUL EXPERIENCE. up in my face, " Buy a guide, you haint got no guide! Says I with dignity, "Yes I have; duty is my guide and also Josiah, and now," says I firmly, "if you don't leggo of my tabs, I'll make you leggo." My mean skairt him, he leggo, and I follered on after my Josiah; but where was Josiah? I couldn't see him, in tusslin with that impudent creeter over my cape, my companion had got carried by the crowd out of my sight. Oh! the agony of that half a moment; I turned and says to a policeman in almost agonizin' tones: " Where is my Josiah?" He looked very polite at me, and says he " I don't know " Says I, " Find him for me instantly! Have you the heart to stand still and see husbands and wives parted away from each other? Have you any principle about you? Have you got entirely out of pity?" Says he with the same polite look, " I don't know " "Have you a wife?" says I in thrillin' axents: "Have you any childern? " Says he, "I don't know " I had heerd that there wasn't no information to be extracted from 'em as a class, and I give up; and I don't know what my next move would have been, if I hadn't catched sight of that beloved face and that old familiar hat in front of me; I hastened forred and kep' considerable calm in mind, while my body was bein' crowded and pushed round, for I thought I " 1> W THE CROWD. JOSIAH CALLED BAD NAMES. 1381 if my conjectures was true they would have reason enough to goar me. But presently, or about that time we found.ur selves carried by the crowd, and stranded (as it were) before some little places that looked some like the place the ticket agent looked from at Betsey Bobbet and me, when we bought our tickets for New York village; and I begun to feel easier in my mind, for they seemed to be purchasin' tickets for the Sentinal. There was one place for wimmen, and one for men, not but a little ways apart; and my Josiah and me kinder divided up and waited our turn, and when he got a chance I see him step up in a peaceable way and ask how much a ticket cost. "Fifty cents for a adult," says the man. Says Josiah, " I haint a adult." Says the man, "You be." Josiah looked as if he would sink to be accused -right there in company-of sunthin' he never was guilty of in the world; it took him so aback that he couldn't say another word to defend himself, he looked as mortified and sheepish as any black sheep I ever laid eyes on; and I jest stepped forred and took his part-for it madded me to see my pardner so brow-beat and imposed upon. Again Josiah says in a meachiln' way, for as mortified as he felt he seemed determined to stick to the truth, and not own up to what he wasn't guilty of. "I haint a adult," says he "No " says I, "anybody that says that of my 382 BUTYIN' TICKETS. pardner, says what they can't prove. Josiah Allen is a likely man; his character stands firm, he never had no such name, and it can't be proved onto him; he is as sound moralled a man as you will find in Jonesville or the world!" "I mean," says the man, " 50 cents for everybody except childern carried in the arms." "Well," says I out of all manner of patience with him, " why didn't you say so in the first on't, and not go to hintin' and insinuatin' " He tried to turn it off in a laugh, but his face turned red as blood, and well it might; tryin' to break down a likely man's character and gettin' found out in the mean caper Josiah took out a dollar bill and handed it to him, and he handed back sunthin' which was tickets as Josiah s'posed; but when he handed me one soon afterwards or thereabouts, I see they was two fifty cent bills. Josiah was dumbfounded and so was I; but I spoke right out and says I, " That mean creeter is tryin' to make us trouble, or else he is tryin' to hush it up, and bribe us not to tell of his low lived conduct." Says I firmly, "Less go right back and give him back his money and command him to give us a lawful ticket, and tell him we haint to be bought or sold, that our principles are elevated and we are on a tower " So we went back again; and oh the sufferin's of that season; if our agony was great when we was bore along by the crowd, what was our sufferin's when we ON THE GROUNDS. 383 was stemmin' our way ag'inst it. Two or three times my companion would have sunk beneath his burdens, but boyed up by my principle I lheld him up (as it were) and at last almost completely exhausted and wore out, and our faces covered with prespiration we stood before him again. lie looked mad and cross, but tried to turn it off in a laugh when Josiah told him our business, and handed him back the money He said it was all right and told us to give the money to a man near the turn stile and go in. I see he was in earnest, so I told Josiah we would go back and try it, and we did, and found it was jest as lie said, but there was a great niystery to it; we handed out fifty cents a piece to a nint, and he droplped it down through a little slit in a counter, and a gate that looked some like my new fashioned clothes bars, sort o' turned round with us and let us in one at a time; and the minute I was inside I see my gloomy forebodin's had been in vain-they hadn't put off the Sentinal for me! That was my first glad thought; but my very next thought was, Good land! and Good land! and Good land! Them was my very first words, and they didn't express my feelin's a half or even a quarter. Why, comin' right out of that contracted and crushin' crowd, it seemed as if the place we found ourselves in was as roomy and spacious as the desert of Sarah, s'posen she, the desert, was fixed off into a perfect garden of beauty, free for:nyhbodv to wander round and git lost in. 15* 884 SAMANTHA'S FIRST FEELINS. And the majestic Main Buildin' that nearly loomed up in front of us! Whly! if old Ocian herself, had turned into glass, and wood-work, and cast-iron, and shinin' ruffs, and towers, and flags, and statutes, and everything, and made a glitterin' palace of herself, it couldn't, (as it were) have looked any more grand and imposin' and roomy, and if every sand by the seashore had jumped up and put on a bunnet or hat as the case may be, there couldn't have been a bigger crowd (seeminly) than there was a passin' into it, and a passin' by, and a paradin' round Josiah and me. Under these strange and almost apaulin' circumstances, is it any wonder that I stood stun still, and said, out of the very deptls of my heart, the only words I could think of, that would any where nigh express my feelins, and they was " Good land!" But as my senses begun to come back to me, my next thought was, as I looked round on every side of me, " Truly did my Josiah say, that I could see enough with one eye;" and jest then a band commenced playin' the "Star Spangled Banner" And hearin' that soul stirrin' music, and seein' that very banner a wavin' and floatin' out, as if all the blue sky and rainbows sense Noah's rainbow was cut up into its glorious stripes, with the hull stars of heaven a shinin' on 'em,-why, as my faculties come back to me, a seein' what I see-and hcarin' what I hecrd, I thought of my 4 fathers, them 4 old fathers, whose weak hands had first unfurled that banner to the ONCE IN THIRTEEN YEARS. 385 angry breeze, and thinks'es I, I would be willin' to change places with them 4 old men right here on the spot, to let 'em see in the bright sunshine of 1876, what they done in the cloudy darkness of 1776. I felt these feelin's for I persume most a minute. But nobody-however strong principle may soar up in 'em-can be willin' to die off when it haint a goin' to be any particular benefit to anybody, they can't feel so for any length of time, especially in such a strange and almost curious time as this was; souls may soar, but heart clings to heart-I thought of Josiah and without sayin' a word to him, or askin' his consent, I jest reached out my arm and locked arms with him for the first time in goin' on thirteen years-not sense we had went to grandfather Smith's funeral, and walked in the procession. He begun to nestle round and wiggle his arm to make me leggo, but I hung on tight and never minded his worrysome actions, and finally he come out plain and says he: " What is the use of lockin' arms Samantha, it will make talk." Says I in a deep warnin' voice, " Do you keep still, or you will be a lost Josiah." Says I, firmly, "I think more of my pardner than I do of the speech of people, and if this endless host and countless multitude swallers us down, and we are never heard from again in Jonesville or the world, we will be swallered down together Josiah Allen,-a sweet thought to me." / 386 A LOOK AT A FOUNTAIN. So we walked round, lockin' arms, and not sensin' of it, (as it were) a lookin' on the grandeur and imposin' doins on every side of us. Presently, or not fur from that time-for truly I could not keep a correct run of the time of day, feelin' as 1 did-I told Josiah that we would take the cars and ride round the Sentinal; there was a little railroad a purpose. So we crossed a square-green as green grass could make it-and all of a sudden I felt Josiah give a shudder, and heerd his teeth chatter, he was lookin' at that fearfully wonderful statute of Washington crossin' the Deleware. Oh dear! what a situation George was in. Then he hunched me again, to look at a fountain made they say to show off light and water Three handsome female girls a holdin' up a bowl or rather a platter, bigger than any platter I ever see, to catch the water other female wimmin' was a pourin' down into it, and as many as ten globe lamps, a bein' held up by beautiful arms. I'll bet the hull on it was forty feet high, and I don't know but more. Jusiah would have staid there some time if I had encouraged him in it; he said with a dreamy look, that tlicii girls was first-rate lookin', but he should think their arms would ache a holdin' up that platter and them big lamps. But says I, "Josiah Allen you haint no time to spend a pityin' cast-iron wimmen in such a time as this, or admirin' of em;" so I hurried him onwards to one of the stations of the railroad, and we paid five cents apieoe and they let us up into the cars, and oh, RIDE] IN THIE CARS. 387 how lovely everything did look as we rode onwards, drawed by as stiddy and smart a little enjun as ever I see hitched to a car How cool and wet the lake did look on that hot day, with its great fountain sprayin' out the water in so many different sprays, as we passed between it and the green, level grass all flowered off with gorgeous flower beds. Anon, (or nearly that time) the enjun stopped before the Woman's Pavilion--a noble big buildin' that filled me with such proud and lofty emotions as I looked at it, that I don't know to what height I should have soared up to a gazin' on it, and thinkin' of the sect that built it, if one of them very sect weighin' about three hundred and fifty, in gittin' out of the car, hadn't stepped on my foot and crushed it so fearfully that instinctively my emotions was brought right down to the ends of my toes. In two minutes more, or two and a-half, we went round the head of the dell, and though my foot still felt the effects of tramplin', I didn't sense it, as I looked down the beautiful shady paths, all a seemiin' to lead to some handsome buildin' and then up at the Agricultural Buildin', big enough (seeminly) for old Agriculture and all his family all over the country to settle down and live in; and then we went on a little further by a cheese and butter house, and Brewers' Hull. And then the enjun turned round and we went back nmost to tlhe Woman's Pavilion, and then sailed off down the avenue of State Buildins, by Machinery Hall 388 A LARGE PLEASURE AT SMALL COST. (big enough for every machine in the world, and several of the planetary system's machines, as it were) clear the hull length of this buildin', back to the place we started from. Here Josiah would have got out, ruther than paid five cents more, but I says to him, "Never before, Josiah Allen did five cents buy pleasure for me any where near the size and heft of this pleasure," and I added kindly but firmly, "I am goin' round again Josiah Allen." lIe argued some, but I stood firm, and round we went again', and then twice more which made four I paid for the two last rides out of my own pocket, and didn't begrecch the money No sooner would we go by one grand majestic buildin' and mebby a few smaller ones, but perfectly beautiful, than another one would rise up before us seeminly still more majesticer than the last one. And we wouldn't no more than git our mouths well open with great astonishment and admiration and almost extacy, and our specks well sot on 'em, before another one would rise up before us, and we with our mouths not yet shet up from the last one. Oh dear! what a time we did have in our 2 minds. And seein' what I see wouldn't have been half so much, if I hadn't had such a immense quantity of emotions; and every one of 'em the very biggest and noblest size they make. Eloquent, happy emotions of patriotism and grand pride in my Nation's honor, and"majesty, and power, and glory. A INTERESTIN' VISION. 389 Oh! what a time I did have a settin' there crowded in body but soarin' in soul, the eye of miy speck a calmly gazin' into the faces environin' of me round, and not seein' of em, (as it were) but seein' with my mind's eye the Spirit of '76, a risin' up through the ghastly clouds of war, a misty slape that Iope could jest make out; a pale face, and slhdowy hands with a little handful of stars and stripes most slippin' out of 'em. And then to see that face growin' brighter and brighter, and more loftier and inspired; to see both of them hands reached heavenward in triumph, holdin' firm clasped above her head the stars and the stripes a floatin' out over the hull land, to see them eyes full of glory and mystery bent forever onwards and outwards, a lookin' on sunthin' I couldn't see if I had both eyes to my specks, to see that lofty brow crowned with the Star of Empire, and that mnajestic form a floatin' in triumph from the Atlantic over the Rocky mountains, clear to the Golden Gate, while tlhe radiance of that star, a burnin' on that almost inspired forward, sheds a light ahead over the deep waters to some still grander future; and tihen to see them deep mysterious eyes of glory and prophecy a follerin' that light outward and onward, a seein' what I couldn't see, nor Josiah, nor anybody I kep' a feelin' nobler and nobler every minute, and finally I told Josiah of my own accord that I wanted to git out of that little contracted car, and 390 THE BUILDINS AND HOUSEN. walk afoot again. So we got out and roamed round, walkin' afoot down the broad noble paths, by buildins some that looked you square in the face, some a steppin' off sideways, (seerninly) some sot down flat on the ground, sort o' solid and heavy as if they had sot down for good, and some standin' up on tip-toe (as it were) on the top of big high steps, as if they was a startin' off somewhere a visitin'; and some of the curiousest shaped ones I ever see, with their ruffs pinted up, with flags a flyin' like big darnin' needles threaded with red, white, and blue, some sort o' leanin' over as if they was a meditatin', some ruffs shaped like a sheep's head night-cap, with a cross standin' up out of the crown; some long ruffs supportin' hull rows of little ruffs like offsprings. Some Gabriel ends loftier and majesticer than you can think on, some dretful kinder peaked up and polite lookin' Some of the housen was plain and glossy on the.sides, some criss-crossed off, some up and down, some sideways. There was honsen of every color that ever was colored, with winders of every shape that ever a pain was cut into, and every sort of ornament that ever a house was trimmed off with. Why some of 'em seemed to be clear ornament, and nothin' else. There was one in particular, with a flight of stairs on each side and some little slender pillows, that seemed to be clear trimmin' It looked as light as if it was made of air and sunshine and ornament-which it was mostly. I says to Josiah " That would be a beautiful A PAIR OF LIARS. 391 home for summer, Josiah, but it would be too cold and windy in the winter season for me." A young woman, sort o' vacant lookin', but dressed up slick spoke out to me, and says in a sort of a uppish tone " It haint a house, it is a music stand." Says I, " It haint a stand." Says she, "It is." But I wasn't a goin' to be brow-beat by her, so I says in a dignified tone "Young woman I have seen furniture and housen stuff when you was in Nonentity, and I guess I know a stand when I see it." Says I, " I had two black cherry stands with curly maple drawers, with my settin' out, and I helped Josiah pick out a noble bass-wood stand for Tirzah Ann when she was married and I say that haint a stand." Says she, "It is, don't you see the Muse on top with the lyre." But I wouldn't look up, I had too much dignity, and I resented deeply her tryin' to lie to me so, and I jest looked at her keenly, and says I: "I can see liars without searchin' for 'em on the top of housen." Says she, " I meant one of the Muses; one of Jupiter and Mnemosyne's daughters, with her lyre? " Says I firmly, " I don't care whose daughters they be. I don't think no more of a liar because they happen to have a likely father and mother. I abominate 'em, and always did." I looked very sharp at her, and she felt it; her 392 PROUD OF E PLURIBUS U. face looked red as blood, and all swelled up with mortification. But truly I had no time to waste on story tellers, or muse on their lies. Such sights as I see, such grand and imposin' grandeur, such beautiful and soarin' beauty; I wondered whether Paradise could have looked much better, and more foamin'; and if it did, I wondered inore and more how Eve (a distant relative of mine on my mother's side) could have done what she did do. As we walked along a broad and shady path I says " Never, never did I feel towards E Pluribus as I do to-day, Josiah. When I think of that old map of Grandfather Smith's, and think how E Pluribus was huddled down there close to the shore, so insignificant and skairt lookin' that it seemed as if it wouldn't take but a very few more war-whoops and hatchets to tumble him right off into the Atlantic to drownd himself. And then to think how that old man has got up and spread himself out from ocian to ocian, to look round here and see this Sentinal a tellin' to all the world how lie has prospered," says I, "never never did I feel towards E Pluribus IT, as I do today," and says I in tones tremblin' with pride and thankfulness, " how do you feel Josiah Allen?" Says he firmly, "I feel as hungry as a bear" I calmly took two cookies out of my pocket and handed them to him, and kep' right on* " Never! never, did I realize the size, the grandeur, the loftiness, of E Pluribus as I do now; how high and lofty RINGS AND TWEED CLOTHES. 393 he stands, Josiah Allen; how forehanded lie has got." My lofty episodin' tone was ruther loud, and a by stander who had been a standin' behind me unbeknown to me spoke up and says lie " Yes, E Pluribus has got pretty well off, but what do you think Madam of the rings he wears on his honored fingers? What do you think of his choosin' Tweed for raiment? What do you think of his wearin' such dirty clothin' as he hlas wore of late, and so thin too, so awfully thin." I declare for't, I was most mad to think of anybodys tryin' to bring me down from the height I stood upon, by talkin' about store clothes and jewelry, but bein' very polite in my demeanor, I answered him mildly, that I didn't believe in anybodys wearin' dirty clothes, and I never had no opinion of Tweed, nor none of that kind of cloth, it was slazy, and liable to drop all to pieces, and I'd ruther look further and pay more for cloth that was firmer and would stand more of a strain. "Yes," says he, "that is jest my opinion, and I think if E Pluribus wants to preserve his health he must keep cleaner, and be a little more careful about the material he chooses to protect his honored form; and in my opinion, he would look fur better if he didn't wear so many rings on his venerable fingers, money ringR; and wheat rings; and railroad rings." Ile went on and named over a hull lot of jewelry, but I thought to myself that lie was makin' a little 394 A FAMILIAR FACE. too free to talk with a perfect stranger, and I answer. ed hlim in pretty cold tones Says I, "I never approved of old men's wearin' jewelry;" and says I, in still more frigid tones, "I never, even in my young days thought a man looked any the better for wearin' ear-rings;" then I drew Josiah onwards down a path tliat looked slhady, and considerable still and quiet, but jest as we moved on a man standin' in front of us spoke up in a awe struck tone, and says lie " That gentleman that jest spoke to you was a English Lord." " Well," says I, " Lord or no lord, I don't over and above like his looks, he looks smart, but kinder mean." Jest then all of a sudden, on happenin' to turn the eye of my speck onto a little bench under a shade tree, I see settin' there a friend I knew; I see a face that telescopes are bein' aimed at by the envious to spy out every little freckle, spot and wrinkle; (and where is there a complexion however light, that can stand firm under a telescope, and the strong glarin' light of the present time, without showin' a wrinkle?) It was the face of a man I respected, and almost loved, (a meetin' house love, calm, yet firm as a settin' hen.) Without sayini' a word, I jest drawd Josiah right up in front of him. At the first glance he didn't know me, but I jest made him a noble curchy, and says I: "Ulysses bow do you?'" Says I, "The last SAMANTHA ADDRESSES PRESIDENT GRANT. 395 time I see you I had the honor to rescue you from pain and poetry and Betsey Bobbet." Before I could say another word he took the cigar he had in his lips with one hand and reached out the other, and shook hanids witli me alnimst warmly " Josiah Allen's wife, y preserver! I am glad to meet you." Then and there I introduced Josiah, but I was sorry to see at that moment tlhat the knowledge that he was a talkin' with the President of the United States, made him act bashful and meachin', but I was that inspired and lifted up, that even my pardner's meachin' and almost foolish mean didn't seem to have no effect on me. I spoke right out and says I " Ulysses, I never was so proud of my Nation before in my hull life as I be now, and never did I feel such feelin's for my 4 fathers. What a undertakin' they undertook! When a tiling is done, and you are a standin' up on the results safe and happy, then you feel well, and at rest, but tle curious time, and the solemn time, is when the thing haint done, and you are a settin' out to do it, with the risk and the uncertainty before you. When you are a steppin' off in the darkness and don't have no idee whether you are a steppin' on sunthin', or on nothin'; no idee where you are a comin' to next. I've got lost in our suller several times when my candle went out, and it was a curious feelin', Ulysses, to grope our way along in the dark not knowin' whether we would come out 396 WALKIN' IN THE DARK. all righlt to the bottom of the stairs, or come up sudden ag'inst the wall, or the pork barrell. I've fell flat a number of times, when I thought I was a steppin' high, and doin' the best I could, when you have reached the stairs and git holt of 'em, and Josiah has opened the door and stands there with a candle in his hand, then you feel well and safe, but you can't forgit your curious feelin's when you was in the dark, a gropin' and a feelin' and not knowin' where you was a goin' to. Now, there was a time when the colonies was a gropin' their way along in the dark, not knowin' where the next step would take'enm to-whether they would come out to the stairs that led up to Freedom and Liberty and happiness, or come up sudden and hard ag'inst the wall of defeat. They was walkin' a slender, slippery path-way, and if they slipped off they knew black waters was under 'em, deep black waters, to drownd them and their posterity in. They fell a number of times, but they got up again nobly; they held firm, and stepped high, and at last they groped their way to the stairs that led up to Liberty And by God's help, by prayer and hard work, they mounted them stairs, and then another long flight of lofty stairs was before 'em; and they rose them stairs, and have gone up on 'em, higher and higher, ever sense to national power, and honor, and glory And now let 'em hlold firm and examine the platform they are a standin' on,"' GRAND PLATFORMS. 397 Ulysses smoked his cigar with a very thoughtful and attentive smoke. And oh! how sort o' solemn and martyr-like my tone was as I went on a talkin' to him, and a thinkin' to myself: Here I be, advisin' the Nation for its good-a performin' my mission, and advisin' the United States, E Pluribus Unim, through its chief magistrate. I felt noble and curious, fearfully so, as I continued on: "Oh! how awful it would be for 'em, Ulysses, a standin' up on the height they stand up on, if political rottenness should crumble away any of the tall proud ladder that holds 'em up. Oh! how it would hurt 'em to fall down flat, and lay on their backs with the ladder and platform on top of 'em. Let 'em be careful, and let 'em be prayerful, let 'em examine every inch of the lumber that they are a standin' on; if there is a rotten spot in it, or a weak spot, or a suspicious spot, let 'em spurn it nobly; let 'em not ask wildly and blindly ' Did this board grow in Republican forests, or did it grow in Democratic swamps?' Let 'em throw that question down, and trample on it; and let 'em ask this question only, and let 'em ask it in a firm loud voice ' Is it a sound board?' "And let 'em git a straight plain answer to it, before they set foot on it. Good land! The idee of shettin' your eyes blindly, and runnin' up a rascal because he happens to belong to your party As for me, when I hold a rose I don't care a cent whether it grew in a marble basin, or in the corner of a rail 398 SELECTION OF RULERS. fence; I only ask myself calmly, is it fresh and sweet? If it is, I treasure it highly; if it is wormy and rotten at the heart, I spurn it from me almost indignantly. "I advise this Nation as a friend and well wisher, to worship the true God, and not make a God of party and bow down to it. I advise it to choose men for leaders, who are true, and ]lonest and God-fearin' Men who are more careful of their character than of tleir reputation; more careful to have the National capitol clean on the inside than to flower off the front gate with brass nails, more sot on the Nation's wellbein' and prosperity, than on a big pocket-book, or a post-office and some minin' and railroad shares for that brother-in-law, more anxious to have a white soul, than to white-wash their sepulchres. If the Nation votes for bad men, how does it expect to have good laws?" says I almost wildly "Tell me, Ulysses, and tell me plainly, how can you expect to be led onward in a straight path by a blind man? How can you obtain figs from thistles, or anything to carry from an ort? "If this Nation trusts God, and prizes the great gift our 4 fathers died to leave us as it ort to be prized, who can paint the glory and splendor before it. It is tle home of the oppressed, and (when its laws relatin' to wimmen are changed slightly) the true and only land of liberty and freedom; its virtues ort to be grand and lofty and picturesque-on a big noble New World plan. It ort to be as rich in good WHAT OUR COUNTRY SHOULD BE. 399 ness, as its earth is rich in gold and silver and preciousness. Its dignity and calmness ort to be wide and level and even, like its boundless praries, and at the same time, it ort to have brilliant, unexpected streaks and flashes of dazzlin' generosities, jest like its flashin' water-falls. Its principles ort to be as firm and solid and high toned and soarin' as the biggest mountain peaks on the Yo Semitry; and these solid virtues ort to be trimmed and ornamented off with consideration for the rights of others, humanity, charity, courtesy and etcetery, and they ort to be jest as pinted and as ever-green as the big pines them firm old mountains have trimmed themselves off with. It should be jest as set on follerin' the right, and headed jest as strong that way, and be jest as deep and earnest in that flow as Niagara is in hern; turnin' not to the right hand nor to the left, not multiplyin' words nor foolin', but jest keep on a mindin' its own business, and floodin' right on." And then I advised the Nation (through Ulysses,) what to do in the great cause of Wimmen's Rights. I talked eloquent on that subject, and in closin' up I drawed his mind back a few years to the time when a great war was goin' on between justice and injustice, and how God wrought out of it the freedom of a race, before He gave the victory 1 reminded him that another great battle was goin' on now between temperance and intemperance, and how, in that warfare, I believed God was helpin' another race of 16 400 WOMAN'S DELIVERANCE. human female beins to liberty; by showin' to man how He enabled them to win greater victories than had ever crowned man's efforts, and provin' what they would do for God and humanity if the power was given them. I told him I didn't want to scare him or the Nation, but still it wouldn't do no hurt for 'em to think back how God had kep' SAMANTHA ADVISIN PRESIDENT GRANT. that oppressed race from all harm while the warfare for 'em was a goin' on, while thousands of them who had unjestly denied them their rights went down on the battle-field; and I hinted to him in a kind of a blind way, that it wouldn't do no harm for the Nation once in a whilo to read over that old story of THE CHINESE QUE6TION. 401 Pharioh; I told him-not knowin' how well off they was for such readin' in Washington-that he would find that story in the Bible. "I talked about the Heathen Chinee; I told him it seemed jest about as impossible to git a stun to keep company with a turnip, and make it its bride as to git a Chinee to fall in love with our institutions and foller 'em, and after a man had tried to git water and oil to mix in a friendly and sociable way-after he has sot and stirred 'em, and sweat over 'em for weeks and weeks, I don't know as he would be to blame to empty the basin out for good; but then when I'd think again, I'd know it was cruel and awful to turn anybody out doors, (as it were) especially a heathen. And I knew I never could have the heart to do it, never in the world." So says I, "I cannot advise the Nation what to do. It must try to git along in this thing, without my tellin' it what to do, it must think it over and do the very best it can." But on the warlike fightin' question, I come out strong; I knew jest what advice to give the Nation, and 1 give it freely without money, and without price. Says I, " I should think the Nations would all be perfectly ashamed of themselves to git together to show off their civilization and progress, when they hold on to that most barbarious of all barbarism, that ever come from Barbery The most cruel and awful and the most simple too; why," says I, "you'd whip a lot of school childern that would go to settlin' their 402 WAR AND ITS FOOLISHNESS. quarrels with their jack knives; you'd make 'em leave it out to their teacher, or the trustees, or somebody; you'd spank 'em till their nose bled if they didn't, and," says I, "childern ort to grow wiser as they grow older instead of foolisher; it haint a mite handsomer in grown folks than it is in childern." Says I, " Think how those bloody warfares are powerful for all sorts of evils and crimes; how they turn human beins into wild beasts of prey; think how humanity, and mercy, and purity and all goodness are trod down under the feet of the great armys; and how the more ghastly army of pestilence, and disease, and crime, and want, foller on after them-a phantom host shadderin' the land for years, mightier for evil than the army they foller. Why Ulysses, I couldn't begin to tell all the horrers and evils of war, not if I should stand here and talk to you till the year 1900; for it can't be told not by mortal tongue. It is a language writ in broken hearts, and despair, and want, and agony, and madness, and crime, and death, and it takes them to read it." Ulysses haint much of a talker, but he took his cigar out of his month, and says he mildly: "How will Nations settle their difficulties then?" "Why," says I, "leave it out to some good man to decide upon. Let 'em have a honorable-minded Peace Commissioner, Why," says I, " if it wasn't for havin' everytling else under the sun on my hands, I would be one myself, and not charge a cent for my trouble." f' LO, THE POOR INJUN." 403 The Nation, (through Ulysses) seemed to take my advice first-rate; he stood it like a major, and sot peacefully and smoked that cigar in as friendly and meditatin' a way as I ever see one smoked, and he said I spoke his mind about the Peace Commissioners. And then I spoke up and says 1 "Ulysses, I must also speak to you about Lo." "Lo who?" says he. "Why," says I, "Lo, the poor Injun." " The minute I said Injun, he give a kind of a groan, and begun to look as fractious and worrysome as I ever see Josiah look, and says he: "Darn Lo, anyway " "Well," says I, " when I look round here, and see how nobly Uncle Sam has stood up and spread himself out here, see what wonders of glory and enchantment he has wrought for his own race, it don't seem to me that I can bear to see him a settin' down on the Injun race, a tryin' to choke 'em to death." Samuel never took a posture that I hated to see worse than that posture. It haint Christian nor even dignified." He looked very fractious, very, and he snapped out: " He has got to take that posture or be scalped." " If Samuel would let me pick out postures for him, I would have him stand up so far above Loin mercy, and justice, and patience, and truth,-that he couldn't reach up to his scalp; and standin' up on that height, he might deal less in glass beads, and more in common honesty," says I mildly. 404 ASTOUNDIN' NEWS. But again Ulysses looked me full in the eye of my speck, and says he firmly: "Darn Lo, anyway;" and at that same minute Josiah whispered to me: " Lo haint no nearer starvin' than I am this minute." He did look almost famishin'; and so tellin' Ulysses to give my love to Julia, and my best respects to Mr, Dents'es folks, and Fred and his wife, and be sure and take good care of Nelly's baby, I curchied to him nobly and bid him good-bye. So we wended our way along, the eye of my speck takin' in the heavenly beauty of the scene, when all of a sudden Josiah spoke up, and says he: " What a pity it is that they are a goin' to licence the Sentinal." I stopped stun still, leggo of his arm, and turned right round and faced my pardner. "Licence the Sentinal, Josiah Allen! " says I. "Yes," says he, "they be, and they are tryin' hard not to have no Sunday neither" "A tryin' to have the Sentinal not keep Sunday?" " Yes," says he. Says I firmly, "Who is the man to go to, to advise the Nation through in this matter? Never! never! did my mission as a Advisor soar up before me more promiscously Who is the man Josiah Allen?" Says Josiah, "I have heerd that Gen. Hawley is the head one. But it haint his doin's; he has been tewed at, night and day." I drawed my companion onwards, almost wildly, he RUM, BUT NO SUNDAY 405 a hangin' back and in pitiful axents, sayin' to me: " Do less go back to the tarvern Samantha and git sunthin' to eat before we traipse off any further; do you want me to faint away on your hands?" Says I, "You must have a different appetite from what I have, Josiah Allen, if you can swaller your conscience and set down at your ease, while the Nation is a destroyin' herself. I must advise her about this matter instantly and at once, before it is too late. But you can go home if you want to. Principle will be my pardner, and go a lockin' arms with me." " I shall go if you do," says he in a cross surly voice. " I s'pose I can starve it out;" and then he says almost mekanically, (as it were,) "Gen. Hawley is a handsome feller, they say " "Well," says I in a almost dry tone, "you needn't worry about that; what if he is? I should be ashamed of myself Josiah Allen, to go to bein' jealous in such a time as this." " Who said I was?" says he. I didn't multiply no more words, and a policeman happenin' to come along that minute, I says to him " Can you tell me where to find Gen. Hawley?" Says he, "You will probably find him in the 'Buro of Installation.' " " In a buro!" says I coldly. "Do you s'pose young man, that I am a goin' to crawlin' and creepin' round into buro draws? Do you s'pose, at my age, and with my dignity lPm a goin' to foller any man 406 INTEBVIEW WITH GEN. HAWLEY. into a buro Gropin' round, tryin' to find somebody in a buro draw" His face looked red-he see I wasn't to be imposed upon-and he pinted out the room where we should be apt to find him, he a goin' most there with us; and anon, or about that time, I found myself in the presence of Gen. Hawley, a shakin' hands with him and a introducin' Josiah. He was lookin' over a lot of papers, but he looked up dretful sort o' pleasant, and in that tryin' and almost curious time, I couldn't help thinkin' that Josiah was in the right on't about his looks; for never, on a tower, or off on it, did I ever see a franker, nobler, honester, well meanin'er face than hisen. I never asked him whether he was enjoyin' good health, or poor, but I says right out. "Joseph," (I knew his name was Joseph, and I thought he would take it more friendly in me if I called him that, and it would look more familiar in me-as if my noble mission didn't make me feel above him.) "Joseph," says I, "I have come to advise you as a P A. about what I have discovered as a P. I." He looked up at me from the awful pile of papers, sort o' dreamy and wonderin', and I come out plainer still, and says I, " Joseph, tell me; is it true that the Nation has licenced the Sentinal to git drunk, and not to keep no Sundays?" And says I, " Haint it the time for the Nation, if ever, for her to put her best foot forred, and if she has got any remnants of Puritan habits, and religion, and solid principles, to UNA&IVA*W WVVLLU*UV- flA A PROTEST AGAINST RUM SELLIN'. 409 show 'em off? Haint it time to brush the dirt and dust off of Plymouth Rock, and let the world git a glimpse of the old original stun? Why," says I, "if the Mayflower could float back again from the past, and them old Mayflowers should hear what this Nation is a doin', they would say they was glad they was dead." Joseph looked as if he felt what I said deeply But he went on in a sort of apologisin' way, about his wantin' to treat our fureign guests with courtesyand some of them was accustomed to beer and winedrinkin' to home, and wasn't in the habit of havin' Sundays, and so 4th and so 4th. "But," says I in tremblin' tones " when a mother is weepin' over the ruin of what was once her son, and tracin' back his first love of strong drink to this place of beauty and enchantment, it wont remove her agony nor hisen, to think it was done to please the German, Dutch, or Tunicks, or even Turkeys." Says I, "If the Nation gives her lawful consent and lets the Sentinal drink all the beer and wine it wants to in 1876, in 1976 she will reap the seed she is a plantin' now, and if you happen to see me then, Joseph, you tell me if I haint in the right on't. And then, not havin' no Sundays! I never in my hull life see anything look so shiftless,-when we haint been out of Sundays for 1800 years, to all flat out now and not have none,-it would look poor as poverty in us." He said it was handier for some folks; they could come better Sundays than any other day. 16* 410 SAMANTHA'S ADVICE ACTBD ON. "Handier!" says I, in a almost dry tone, "it would be awful handy for me sometimes, to do my week's washin' Sundays, or knit striped mittens, or piece up bed-quilts, but you don't catch me at it." Says I " Had we ort to begreech one day out of the week to Him who give us the hull of 'em?" And says I, " I don't blame you a mite for wantin' to make our fureign visitors feel to home, and use 'em well, but wlien I go a visitin' I don't expect 'em to kill off their grandmothers if I don't happen to like the looks of the old lady and haint used to grandmothers. Good land! how simple it would be in me to expect it." Says Joseph, " Josiah Allen's wife, you have presented the subject to me in a interestin' and eloquent manner" Says he, " The other matter is out of my power to change, but as for Sundays, I will get 'em back again, I will have 'em." Oh, how earnest and good he did look out of his eyes (a bright blueish-grey) as he said this, and how fearfully handsome. And I a thinkin' to myselfhere I be advisin' the Nation for her good, and she a takin' my advice. I felt noble, very If I could have accomplished both of my undertakin's, I don't know but I should have felt too noble; but we all, like Mr. Paul, if we go to soarin' up too high, have to have a thorn in the flesh to prick us and keep us down in our place. So I bid Joseph a almost affectionate goodbye, and Josiah and me started homewards. DOIN' THE MAIN BUILDIN'. THE next mornin' I told Josiah we would tackle the Main Buildin'; so we follered a lot of folks from our tarvern-another spiked gate turned round with us and let us in, and-and what didn't that gate let us into? Oh, good land! Oh, dear suz! You may think them words are strong, and express a good deal, but they don't begin to explain to you how I felt. Why, a hull Dictionary of jest such words couldn't begin to tell my feelins as I stood there a lookin' round on each side of me, down that broad, majestic, glitterin' street full of folks and fountains and glitterin' stands, and statutes, and ornaments, with gorgeous shops on each side containin' the most beautiful beauty, the sublimest sublimity, and the very grandest grandeur the hull world affords. I advanced a little ways, and then, not sensin' it at all, I stopped stun still and looked round me, Josiah kinder drawin' me along-entirely unbeknown to me. Finally he spoke in a sort of a low, awe-stricken whisper: 411 412 DUMB-FOUNDERED. "Do come along, Samantha!" But I still stood stun still, lookin' round me through the eyes of my specks (Josiah had got the other eye put in), and didn't sense what he was a sayin' to me till he spoke again-hunchin' me hard at the same time: " What is the matter Samantha?" Says I, in low strange tones, "I am completely dumbfoundered Josiah Allen!" " So be I," says he, "but it won't do to be a blockin' up the path, and actin' baulky; it will make talk. Less go along and do as the rest do." So we walked along. And as my dumbfounder began to leave me, and I recovered the use of my tongue, my first words was "Josiah Allen, if I was as young as I once was, and knew I'd live to die of old age, I'd come right here to this village and live, and go through this buildin' and see the biggest heft of its contents. But at my age, there haint no use of tryin' to see a half or even a quarter of 'em." Says Josiah, "You know Tirzah Ann wanted you to remember what you see here and describe it to her." " Good land!" says I, "I might jest as well undertake to divide off the sands of the sea, set 'em off into spans and call 'em by name, and describe the best pints of each on 'em;" says I almost wildly: "if I should undertake the job I should feel so curious that I shouldn't never git over it, like as not;" says I, " Josiah Allen, when anybody tackles a subject they CURIOUS FEELINS. 413 want a place to take holt, or leggo; it makes 'em feel awful not to have neither." Why, if you'd lift up your head a minute to kind o' rest your eyes, you would see enough to think on for a hull natural life. Havin' in all the emergencies of life found it necessary to stand firm, and walk even, and straiglt forred, I laid out to take the different countries on the north side, and go through 'em, and then on the south side, go through 'em coolly and in order, and with calmness of spirit. But long before I had gone through with the United States, my mind was in a state it had never been in before through my hull life. I thought I had felt promiscous in days that was past and gone, but I give up that I never knew the meanin' of the word before. Why, if there had been a pain of glass put into my mind, and anybody had looked into my feelins through it, they would say if they wasn't liars that they see a sight long to be remembered; though if they had went to dividin' off my feelins and settin' 'em in a row and tellin' 'em to set still, they would truly have had a tegus time. Why I haint got 'em curbed in, so's to keep any order now, when I go to thinkin' about that Main Buildin'. Instead of travelin' right through it with dignity, they are jest as likely as anyway to begin right in the centre of that grand buildin'; see that great round platform with broad steps a leadin' up to it on every side, and that railin' round it, a fencin' in the most 414 MIZD UP, entrancin' and heavenly music that ever a earthly quire discoursed upon-music that would rest you when you was tired, and inspire and elevate you into a realm of Pure Delight when you wasn't. And seein' way up and up to the ruff, little railins all ornamented off, tear after tear of 'em, and folks in 'em a lookin' down onto the endless crowd below; and lions and eagles, and stars and stripes, and the honored forms and names of George Washington and B. Franklin up there, to make us feel safe and good. And then all of a sudden entirely unbeknown to me, my mind will work sometimes one way, sometimes the other. Sometimes it will give a jump clear to the west end, and see ornaments, and glass cases, and shinin' counters with wimmen standin' behind 'em, and tall jars big enough to preserve my Josiah hull in, if it was the fashion to preserve pardners. And it wont think things out with any order, or hardly decency; sometimes the next thing after a pulpit I'll think of a dragon; and then mebby I'll think of a thermomiter with the quick silver a tryin' to git out at the top to walk out to cool itself, and the next thing a Laplander covered with fur, and a sled; it beats all. There is no use tellin' what I did see, but I could tell what I didn't see in half a minute. I can't think now of but one thing that I didn't see and that is butternuts, though truly, I might have seen bushels, and not sensed 'em. Why, along at first when I was a beginnin' my tower NO END TO THE SIGHTS. 415 through the United States, I would be fearfully surprised at the awfully grand and beautiful things; but before noon I got so that I wasn't surprised at nothin', and Josiah couldn't make me, though lie hunched me several times, a tryin' to surprise me, and couldn't. Why, I'd think I had come to an end of the grandeur and glory; it must be there couldn't be any more, and I'd git my specks all ready to rest off for a minute-when I'd kinder grope round a little, and out I'd come again into another room full to overflowin' of splendor and beauty Why, once I come out into a room that had six high pillows in the form of palm trees with long scalloped leaves towerin' clear up to the ruff, which was ornamented off with vines and flowers, and the counters was all covered with raised work, representin' the gatherin' of flowers and the extraction of their perfumes, and two noble silver-plated gold-tipped fountains, sprayin' out sweetness; why, no posy bed I ever smelled of could compare with that room. And then there was a beautiful pavilion all trimmed off with flowers, and in the centre, one of the likeliest lookin' fountains I ever did see, with four different perfumes a jettin' out, and round each spray a design showin' what kind it was. And each one was more perfectly fragrant and beautiful than the other (as it were). I told Josiah I wished Shakespeare Bobbet could jest step in here; I guessed he never would use peppermint essence again on his handkerchief. When 416 JOSIAH FANCIES AN EYE. he used to come to see Tirzah Ann, he always would scent up high with peppermint or cinnamon; he smelt like a apothecary. But I kep' a lobkin' round, and oh, such sights of pianos and organs as I did see, it beat all. Why, there was one parlor organ with twenty-eight stops to it. Says I, " Josiah Allen what do you think of that?" Josiah had seen so much he was a gittin' cross, and he said he had heerd folks play when he would have been thankful to have had one stop to it, if they had used it. And such iron and steel works; why we see a rod over a mile long And there was one lock that they said had four billion changes to it. Josiah told me he had jest as good a mind as he ever had to eat, to stop and count 'em, for he didn't believe there was three billions in it if there was two. And there was safes, large enough to lock up my Josiah in-who is indeed by far the most valuable ornament I possess-and teeth, and artificial eyes. There was one big black eye, that Josiah said he would buy if he was able. Says I, " What under the sun would you do with it Josiah Allen " " Oh," says he, "it might come handy sometime, I am liable to accidents." "Why," says I, "your eyes are as blue as indigo." "Well," says he, "I always liked black eyes, and that is such a awful smart lookin' eye, it would give anybody such a knowin' look." I told him I guessed he would look knowin'; I A GLASS FOUNTAIN. 417 guessed he would know it when he went round with one black eye, and one blue one. I didn't encourage the idee. He looked wishful at it to the last, and he has said sense, that that was the smartest lookin' eye he ever see in his life. And such sights and sights of glass ware, and crystal fountains. I told Josiah that I had sung about 'em all my life, but never did I expect to see one. But I did, here it was; handsomer than song could sing About three feet from the floor was a basin twelve feet wide, and round this, seventy-two cut glass vases for flowers, and four pillows havin' twelve lights and four more for flowers. In the centre column half way up, was the most beautiful crystal ornaments and doins you ever see, with burnin' jets inside, and over all was a dome held up by three columns, topped off with spread eagles. The age of this dome was all trimmed off with red, white, and blue, and under it was the Goddess of Liberty standin' on the globe. There is between three and four thousand pieces of glass in this fountain-so they told me-and they said it was the nicest one in the world; and I told 'em I didn't dispute it, for I had travelled round a good deal, and I never see the beat on't. And here it was that I got agitated and frightened; skairt most to death, and I wont deny it. I was a walkin' along, cool as a cluster cucumber at sunrise, and as calm, when I looked up and thinks'es I, there comes a woman that looks jest like the Smiths; thinks'es I, she looks je.t 418 ONE OF THE SMITH'S. like me, only not quite so good lookin'. I stopped completely dumbfoundered, and she stopped also in dumbfounder. I looked her in the face with a almost wild mean, and her mean looked almost wild. I give right up that she was a Smith, and then realizin' what sort of a tower it was that I was on, I knew it was my place to make the first move towards gittin' acquainted with her; so I made her a low curchy, and she made me a low curchy And then I walked right up and held out my hand to her, and she walked right up to me a holdin' out her hand. Says I, "Who you be mom, I don't know, but I believe my soul you are one of the Smiths, for you look as near like me as two peas, only you are a little fleshier than I be, and not quite so light complected." But what the next move would have been I don't know if all of a sudden riglit over her shoulder I hadn't seen the face of my Josiah, and I knew he was the other side of me. Cold shivers run over my back, when I felt a hand a seizin' and a holdin' of me back, and the voice of Josiah a sayin'. " What under the heavens Samantha, are you a tryin' to walk through that lookin'-glass for?" I see then where I was, and says I in faint axents: "Josiah Allen, I should have been through it in a minute more;" and I should. I told him I was most glad it took place, for it truly seemed as if he renewed his age, it pleased him so. But he stopped it pretty sudden, for he had a little incident happen to him, r 4 CI 14 0 Q N 0 JOSIAH TAKES A CHAIR BIDE. 421 that made him pretty shy about pokin' fun at me. The way on't was, he had been sick all one night, and the next day he got so tired out that he said he guessed he would git into one of those rollin' chairs a few moments to rest him. He whispered to me that he shouldn't ride out but seven cents and a half, which would be only half a quarter of an hour I whispered back to him that it would look small in him, and if I was in Ahi place, I would ride a quarter of an hour, or not try to ride at all. But he whispered back to me, firm as brass, that seven cents worth and a half was all he should ride and that was more than he could afford. And knowin' well he was close, but honest, I didn't argue no more. He didn't tell the man, for fear he wouldn't want the bother for so little while. That was the last I see of Josiah Allen for five hours and a half. He promised to meet me at a certain time and place, and I was skairt nearly to death. And I don't know as I should ever have seen him again, if I hadn't happened to meet him face to face. There he was a layin' back fast asleep, and that man had been) a rollin' him round for five hours and a half by the clock, through the different worlds, and he not sensin' a thing--sleepin' jest as sweet in front of them horrible antediluvian monsters, and the crockydiles, as before calico and bobinet lace-treatin' 'em all alike, snorin' at the hull of 'em. I s'pose he had dropped to sleep the minute I left him, not eleepin' any the night before. I catched right ]olt 422 JOSIAH PAYS A LARGE BILL. of his arm, and says to the man: " Stop instantly! it is my pardner that you are a rollin' on; it is a sleepin' Josiah." I declare, the man looked almost as foolish as Josiah, only Josiah's mean had agony on it; and as -