FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. No. LXXIX. THE SERIOUS FAMIILY. IN THREE ACTS. BY MORRIS BARNETT WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARAOTEIR COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. ____ -___ - — __ NEWY-YORlK: S A MUET E L F R E N C H, 1.-2 NAS $,.&' S'AI'-.ECEN'S.T. PRICE, 12} CENTS. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Haymarket, 1849. Barton's, Nv. Y., 1549, Charles Torrens........... Mr. WVebster. Mr. C. W. Clarke. Cnptain Murphy 3aguire.. " J. Wallack.' i;rougham. Frank V incznLt............ "t. Vandenhoft ", S. Leach. Aminaca6 S/eel............ "' Buckstone. " Burton. Dancers - -..."............ " Coe. " WVise. Servan................. " Vex. Guests................... Lady Sowaerby Creamly.... Mrs. W. Clifford. Mrs. Hughes. Mrs. Charles Torrens...... Miss Reynods. Russell..Enrna Torrens........... Mrs. L. S. Buckinghamn. Miss J. 1tll.. Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine..... " Fitzkvilliamn. " Chapman. Graham.................." Caulfield. " Alderman. Ladies..................... COSTU M ES. MR. CHARLES TORRENS.-Black frock coat, black waistcoat, gray trousers Second drsss: Black dress coat, black trousers, white waistcoat, dress hat. CAPTAIN MURPHY MAGUIIE. —Blue paletot, waistcoat and trousers. Second dress: Blue dress coat, waistcoat, and trousers. Third dress: Black dress coat and velvet waistcoat. FRANK VINCENT.-Topcoat. Second dress: Dress suit. MR.. AMINADAB SLEEK. —Gray suit. DANVERS.-Drab livery. SERVANTS.-Drab livery. GUESTS. —Dress suits. LADY SOWERBY CREAMLY.-Slate silk dress, white cap and apron. MRS. CHARLES TORRENS.-Gray silk dress. Second dress: White ball dress. MISS EMMA TORRENS.-White muslin, with blue silk jacket. SeconddreMs: Scarlet gauze ball dress. MRS. OR MSBY DELMIAINE.-Puce velvet dress. Second dress: Blue gauze ball dress. GRAHAM.-Green De Laine dress, with pink apron. LADiES.-Ball dresses, various. EXITS AND ENTRANCES. R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Door; S. E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door. RELATIVE POSITIONS. R. means Right; L. Left; C. Centre; R. C. Right of Centre; L. C. Left of Centre, THE SERIOUS'AMILY. ACT I. SCENE I.-A drawing room, soberZy but substantially fur nished. At the rising of the curtain are discovered, seated at the table. R., covered with, papers, LADY CREAMLY, MR. AMIN4DAB SLEEK, and MRS. CHARLES T'ORRENS. TORRENS, at table. L., as Secretary, with pen in hand, dozing. All are dressed in the most formal?manner. Sleek. [Reading in a puritanical tone.] "We'appeal to the disciples of true benevolence, and doers of good deeds, without distinction of politics, or party; —we call on all to come forward in the great work of enlarged and universal civilisation." Hem! W Vhat think you of that, mny lady? Lady'C. These words give comfort to every fainting and world-worn spirit, good Mr. Aminadab Sleek. [To Charles.] Write them down, my son. I protest he's asleep! The spirit is willing butSleek. But it sleepeth. M1rs. T. [Crosses to Ciharles.] Charles, what a shame to fall asleep atfso sublime a passage! Charles. Oh, dear, where was I? [Reading.] "Like a Lion it roareth for its prey." —-" Benevlence and Charity." I have it. Forgive me, Lady Creamly and pious Mr. Aminadab Sleek: the fact is, between labor and watching, 1 lose a little of my rest, and nature will have her revenge. That will do for to-day, I hope. r 77.;o,.,. 7.n..J.. C....., 8. TITHE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT 1. Sleek. WVe are all then decided on making this appeal.'We will establish a deputation in every parish-the petitions are in course of preparation;-and I trust I may be permitted to accompany your ladyship, and my philanthropic young friend, in their charitable round. Lady C. Too happy, AMr. Aminadab Sleek, to be guided by your voice and encouraged by your presence -but we hope that another and a tenderer tie will soon bring our families more closely together. Your nephew, that pattern of special grace, that paragon of model propriety, will, before long, obtain the handSleek. [As.ide.] And the fortuneLady C. And the worldly goods of our dear Emma, the sister of our son-in-law. eMrs. T. And a happy girl Emma will be. What a gracious dispensation has been worked in her behalf! Had we never met Mr. Aminadab Sleek, we should still be on the brink of the precipice of vanity-but the great work will be now perfected, by the union of his nephew and Emma. Lady C. Yes, heloved child, but let us not forget the important duty we have in hand. At twelve to-morrow morning we meet; our son-in-law will read to our assembled friends his address of benevolence, and thenCharles. [Aside.] At twelve to-morrow morning. I had rather have had a day's shooting. Enter EMMA, L. D., fiashionably dressed. Emma. [Crosses to Mrs. Torrens.l Oh, dear! oh, dear! such capital news! he's come! he's come! Lady C. Well! Miss Hoyden Mrs. T. How can you be so giady, Emma; don't you see Mr. Aminadab Sleek, the mirror of piety —the champion of-hem! —the cnampion of-hem! [Emma salutes profoundly Mir. Sleek and Lady Crcamly, who regards her disdainfully. Charles. [Aside.] Very pleasant all this; but I'llhave a day's shooting, in spite of them. Emma. Oh, Charles, he's come-yonr old friend —the fiiend of all the family. I caught a glimpse. as he gave his card tIo Danvers; and t ran to tell you. ScEwz I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 9 Enter SERVANT, he presents card to Charles, YMrs. Torrens takes it, and hands it t{ Lady Creamly, whlo passes it to Sleek, who reads aloud. Sleek. "Captain Murphy Maguire." Charles. Maguire! my old friend Murphy-the best fellow in the world!-show him in, Danvers. Lady C. A little moderation, son-in-law. Shall we, Mr. Sleek? Shall we, my child 1 Sleek. A captain, and an Irishman!-urm Lady C.. A libertine! Ch/arles. [Aside.] A fellow after my own heart. [Aloud.] He might have been so formerly, but he is now changed. He belongs to a serious regiment. All. Oh! [Lady CGeamly, Mr. Sleek, and Mirs. Torrens, beow gravely to each/ other. Lady C. Admit him. Emma. How happy I am! I was a child when he saw me last, and I am now- - Lady C. Still a child; you will please retire to your chamber — no remonstrance. Mrs. lT. Go, child! [Exit Emma, L. D., impatiently. Lady C. Receive your' visitor, Mr. Charles Torrens. [ C/ arles comes forward, the others retire to tables, and appear much3 occupied with the various papers. Enter CAPTAIN MWA GUIRE, C. Capt. My dear Charles! Charles. [In his natural manner.] What, Maguire!-my old friend! [Shakes his hand violently; the party at the back look on with contemptuous astonishment.] Why, it's an age since I have seen you Capt. Yes, my dear boy, an absence of four yearsCalcutta-WVest Indies —capital station-glorious cigars and whiskey toddy —a little tanned, eh? the steam of the gold has spoiled the natural brilliancy of my complexion. Charles. Still the same-the same gay, rollicking, sound. hearted old fellow! Not married? Capt. W5hat me! bound in the rosy bonds of that young robber paddy Cupid? No, thank heaven! 10 THIE SERIOUS FAMILY [A T, I Lcy C. ) Mrs. 77. Oh!! [Groaning. Charles. [Aside to him.] Softly, soft y, old fellow. [Rsesmes his starched manner.] Permit me, Captaihn Murphy Maguire, to present you to Mrs. Charles Torrens, the partner of my present joys and future hopes. Eve, my dearest, allow me to present you to my oldest and best friend, Captain Murphy Maguire. [Mirs. Torrens bozis coldly, but graciously. Capt. I am delighted to make your acquaintance. [(rosses to her.] Charley and I are old friends —I rejoice at his good fortune! Charley, your wife's a first-rate angel. You'll excuse my freedom, madam, but what I think I say. [MIrs. Torrens smiles and appears pleased; Sleek and Lady Creamly exchlange doleful glances. Lady C. [Aside to Mllrs. Torrens.]:Don't answer him. Sleek-. [Aside.] A profligate! CCapt. You're alucky villain, Charley! —what eyes! like a general illumination!-what a shape! she's a model fbr a Venus! All. Oh!!! [Groaning. Charles. [Pulling him by the coat.] What the devil are you about Capt. [.Looking with astonishment at him, and the formal faces at the table.] What's the damage, and what have I done, and what have I said? You're wife is a beauty, and what I think I say! Why, you're not jealous, Charley? But, where is Emma —my littleE mma-the little rosebud? Lady C. [Rising, and bowinS stiffly.] NMiss Torrens, sir, is with her governess in the library. Capt. Upon my honor, I meant no offence. I should have said Miss Torrens; but Charles and I are such old friends, and have seen such roaring times together, andCharles. [Interrupting.] My motherin-law, Captain Murphy Maguire, Lady Sovwerby Creamly. CcJapt. [Bows verylow.] I have the honor. [ Crosses to her 1 Very proud, I assure you-Charley's friends are mine.. Lady C. [ Writh cold disdain.] You overwhelm me with the weight of the honor.'[Takes a book and reads. Capt: [Aside to Charles.] The old dromedary in the lScfwEs 1.1 TEIE SERIOUS FAMII i'. 1l pepper and salt is the father-in-law, 1 suppose. A trifle the worse for wear,, but the heart is in the right place, I hope C/~arles. [Aside.] Pull up, old fellow! That's MI. Aminadab Sleek,perpetual member of the borough of Solemneolly, and a great gun atExeter Hall. [Aloud.] Captain Maguire, this is my excellent and most worthy ally, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, the especial friend of this family-the friend of the poor —the fri;end of all the world-[Aside.]-who give good dinncrs,.and have rich- daughters to marry. [Crosses to L. [Sleek hows slowly; 31 aguire runs up, and shakes him, h-eartily by the hand. Capt. Delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Oh, we shall be the best fiiends in the world; only wait till I get you snugly seated before a steaming jug of whiskey. punch, and behind a full-flavored havannah, and I'll be bound to take,he wrinkles out of you. Sleek. Lady CG. - Oh!! [Groaning. lrs. T. ) Capt. Well, Charley, here I am, and here I mean to stay. [Sits L. oftable.] I have a week's leave of absence, and so I thought I'd run up and see my old friends. I say, old fellow, you are well tiled i. I suppose you've a. room where we can sling a hammock. With your leave, ladies, what I think I say. Lady C. Sir! l-rs. T. Certainly. [All rise and come forward. Ch]arles. [Embarrassed.] Oh! certainly. Capt. 1 couldn't think fobr a moment, Charley, of stopping at an hotel, while you have a house in town; we have so much to say-to talk over old times, you sinner! Oh! don't be alarmed, ladies; a reformed rake always makes a good husband, and Charley, certainly, was the devil's own boy! tMrs. T. My husband a rake! Lady C. Impossible! Capt. I have brought you, CLatley, a case of regalias that would make the Queen of Spain's mouth water. I know you of old, you robber!-a dozen a-day! Charles. Be quiet! will you'. [Pulling him by the coat. Capt. What's the matter.? —[Lady Creanmly, Mrs, 12 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT I Torrens, and Sleek exchange looks.] —ne can have a bit of luncheon, I suppose, a sandwich, or the wing of a cold fowl, the air of this September morning has made me as hungry as an ostrich. C(harles. Certainly. Eve, my dear, luncheon for Cap. tain Maguire. Capt. Have you any of the old Madeira left? Eh! Charley, boy, we remember the time, how we used to punish that same Madeira; but we're all changed. I am getting old, and you are married. The Madeira is older, too, and that's a compensation. Lady C. [Crosses to a. c.] Captain Murphy Maguire, I am loth to interfere, but my son-in-law neither smokes nor drinks Madeira. A cigar is his aversion, and he has taken the pledge. Capt. The what! Sleek. Yes; he has taken the pledge, and got a medal. Charles. [Aside.] I have, the deuce take it; but I'll have my revenge. A day's shooting-a first-rate regaliaand a bottle of the old sort. [Aloud.] Yes, Captain Maguire, you will find me a changed man. I learned from Mr. Sleek that all pleasure is vanity, and all drinking vexation of spirit; and from Lady Creamly, that with sorrow and sighs, the world passes pleasantly enough. [Mlloregaily, and crosses to c.] Still we must get our luncheon. Let me go. Lady C. Let me remind you, Mr.-Torrens, that ten copies more of the circular must be written out; and that you have promised to assist Mr. Aminadab Sleek. [ DTo Captain.] I will take care, sir, that you are comfortably served. -[To AIrs. Torrens.] Come, my child? Capt. Really, I give you too much trouble. I am quite in despair. [Lady Creamly salutes him most deeply. He bows; Charlesgroans; and M1rs. Torrens smiles for an instant, and then assumes her formal manner. Lady C. Come, my child! [Exit Lady Cream!hy, with Mrs. Torrens, c. Charles. [Forgetting that Sleek remains.] They're off, and now for it! Capt. (L.) Charley, your wife is elegant. She's a darling creature; but I don't know how it is-are you happy in your home? there seems every now and again a sort of Sc.rEr I. THE SERIOUS FAMIiTLY. 13 dingy cloud coming over the natural sunsline of your nature. Your wife's charming! Ah! now I recollectSir Charles Creamly was your guardian; you married his laughter; and thus settled his accounts. Cn/arles. The truth is, I married because my guardian so arranged it. I lead a life-but never mind. I am in for it. The fact is. my wife is a little too grave. She belongs to what is styled a serious family. Capt. A fellow like you marrying into a serious family! ha! ha! that's beautiful. [Sleek groans.] Oh! murther, what have I said? Charles. [Changing his tone.] Yes, Captain Maguire, we are all serious here. Capt. But you may be too serious. A charming creature, like Mrs. Torrens, should be seen driving a ponychaise in the Parks, or dispensing the rays of her beauty from the opera-box. And at your time of life, Charley, this gravity is infernal folly. - Get out of it-cast it fiom you. Would you grow old before your time? Bad luck to your sober-sided, jmuddy-rninded people! I hate your Cantwell's! Am I not right, Mr. Sleek. [Crosses and slaps Sleek on the back. Charles. [Aside.] His lines have fallen in pleasant places -Cantwell, indeed! Capt. He musn't lock up his wife; the young creature will mope herself to death. —You are of my opinion, ar'nt you, Sir? Sleek. [Down c.] Um! They say that bachelors' wives, and maidens' children are always well managed. Pray, are you entered into the moral estate of wedlock, Captaii. Capt. No. [Changing his manner, as though annoyed by an unpleasant reminiscence. Sleekc. Nor engaged 1 Capt. No; I've been infernally jilted by the greatest rascal of a coquette that ever was sent into the world to plague the heart out of a man —a woman I loved better a thousand times than my own life. Sleek' Um!,You have been jilted? Capt. Your're right there, Mr. Sleek; but, as I couldn't gall her out, I took my revenge, znd went to sea. Sleek. Um! And the sea has cooled your passion? 14 THE SERIOUS FAMiILY. [ACT L Capt1. To be sure it did, Sleek; and now I hate her more intolerably than ever I loved her. Sleek. Urn No danger of a relapse Capt. Not a bit of it, Sleek; for t.o save myself from the one, I make love to twenty. And I've come to Londori to take a round of dissipation; and, for that reason, I stay with my old friend-fbr he knows every spot on the cards. Eh! Charley, my boy, we'll have a roaring time of it. Enter SERVANT, C. Ser. Luncheon, sir'. Capt. That's your sort-faith, I'm as hungry as a hunter! Come, Charley. [He is leaving the room, followed by Charles, but the latter is stopped by Lady Creamly and lr's. Tor. rens, who enter at the same time. Lady C. One moment, Mr. Torrens-[Captain follows the Servant. J-you will take these letters to the directors and'return- in' half-an-hour, as we want to. arrange a visiting for this evening? C/harles. Certainly, Lady Creamly. -[Aside.] I'll have a day's shooting, [Exit c. Sleek [Crosses to c.] At last we have a moment to ourselves, dear ladies. Unpleasant consequences will arise from this unexpected visit. Lady C. ~V hat an acquaintance for my son-in-law!Sleek. A perfect Absalom! ih2lrs. T. Well-looking and gentlemanlike, but evidently too much attached to the wicked world. Lady C. A libertine! Sleek. That's not all, dear ladies. Let him be profligate as he pleases, and we shall strive for his conversion; but he is in love with a coquette, hy whom he has been deceived. TrIrs. T. Poor young.man! Sleek. And obliged to visit the mettopolis, he is determined to console himself for an unfortunate passion by going through an extended circle of dissipation; in short, he is about to visit his old haunts of vice and sorrow, and for this he seeks in this virtuous mansion, he says, the Yormer companion of his sinfl pleasures.. It suffices to turn my blood to ver-juice. SCENE I.] THE SERIO1 S FAMILY. 15 Lady C. The wretched person! 1i'rs. T. AinTI my Charles the former companion of his pleasures!-a lamb! —an angel of goodness!-a man who never leaves his own home, except for a day's shooting. Then, certairnlyiv, he is not to be controlled-once the coveys are out, my husband will not stay at home. Sleek. He always is aftel the coveys! But what is to be done? Lady C. [ To iMrs. T.] Child, all this is your fault-yes, your ault-' your want of firmness and decision. [NAods to Sleek. Sleek. Yes, certainly,, honored madam, it is all your fault. Lady C. When the abominable man said he was come to take up his quarters here, you should have recollected that there was nlot olle room unoccupied. Mrs. T. WVhat! a friend of my husband's!-a gentleman that Charles is always speaking of, and whom he so well received! Lady C. No matter; the presence of a libertine will compromise all our reputations. Your rooms should have been all occupied. Mrs. T. But dear mamma, the truth- [Crosses to c. Lady? C. Ah, my dear, the truth, when it is useful to be told Sleek. My honored friend is right; all depends on circumstances. We make a great distinction between saying what is not and not saying what is, accordihg to the object and intentions-this is high morality. Lady C. And in this case our object is to rescue my son-in-law from the society of a personSleek. Whose example and perfidious counsels would open an abyss before him. ilMrs. T. Oh, Lady Creamly! Lady C. Bad example is dangerousSleek. And the human heart so weak, my honored friend. You hear that it is the intention of this person again to seek the acquaintance of those friends, from whose pernicious example you have withdrawn the husband of your bosom. He is so weak he would again be led astray, andLady C. And thenfrs. T. My poor Charles! But I certainly shall not 16 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. LAcr I permit a stranger, a person entirely u:known, to corme and lead him away from his good habit.' But what is to be done? what plan can be devised? Aid me with your counsels. Sleek. It is almost too late. Lady C. The only plan I can suggest is to request this person politely to go-politely-about his businessSleek. Politely. IlV.Irs T. I understand you; but how is that to be done? I could not dare attempt it. If you, my dear mamma, would take it upon yourself. Lady C. Impossible, my child;.it would look like dictating to you in your own house. Sleek. That is very true. l2Irs. T. W\ell, then, MIr. Sleek, you will do it. It will add to the obligations we -already owe you. Sleek. Excuse me; these Hibernians are of such explosive natures, that it is quite possible he might forget m.y size, and the respect due to it. Mr. Torrens himself would be the proper person. Lady C. No, that cannot be; they must not meet; and to make the matter more sure, we will send Charles for a few days in the country. Mris. T. He goes too often already, mamma. La.d C. That is the wisest plan; and in the mean time, we will adopt a coolness of manner towards this intruder, which will make him more circumspect, and give him no inclination to remain in a house where the principles of those in it are so different from his own. [Capt. M-aguire speaks without. Sleelc. Ha! here he comes, the sinful man of sanguinary war! Enter7 CAPTAIN AMAGUItE, C,. down R. Capt. Upon my faith, your substantial hospitality lays me under infinite obligation. Better port I never tasted. Lady C. [ Crosses to Mliaguwe, austerely.] Captain Murphy Maguire, I have important orders to give, and am on the point of- [Exit, bowing very stifly, c. Capt. [Looks astonished, but bowls profoundly in return. Ile then turns to Mrs. Torrens.] Then to -ou, my dear madam, the wife of my old fiiend SCrnK I.] TIBE SERIOUS FAMIILY. 17 Airs. T. Following Lady C., and bowing in tbe most precise manner.] You must also excuse me, Captain MIa. guire; I shall be too late for the meeting. [Exit. Capt. [Looks more amazed, but bows to tte ground, then turninAg to Sleek, goes up to him and ofcrs his hand in a cordial style.] W\ell, Mr. Sleek, the ladies appear to be monstrously engaged; the pleasure of entertaining me is reserved for you. Sleek, (R.). [Takin out his watch.] Excuse, me, sir, I have not an instant to lose. The meeting cannot commence without me. [Looks angrily at illaguire, and exit, c. Capt. What the devil does all this mean' Oh, if that's the case, there's not a word to be said. Does it mean the cold shoulder? Is it to cut me they mean? But I'll not believe it-it's impossible, and what's impossible is not in nature. Oh, Charles Torrens, wife, and family, wouldn't be capable of behaving so shabbily to his old fiiend. Wait awhile, Captain Muirphy Maguire, and syllogize a bit. This is a serious family. There's the old lady, as stiff as a ramrod, and as grey as an overall. Mr. Sleek, a shuffling, canting old robber; *and the pretty Mrs. Torrens, with her sweet face, charming air, and saint-like look; and then Charley himself, instead of the free-hearted, devil-may-care fellow I knew him at college, has become as solemn and demure as a volume of " The Pilgrim's Progress." There is a mystery in all this, which must be unraveled EMAIA peeps on. Emma. He is quite alone. [Runs in.] Ah, dear Captain Maguire! Capt. [Not r'ecognizing h7er.] On my faith, I am greatly flattered by your recollection, but really — Emma. What, don't you know your old playmate, Emma-? Capt. Is it possible! You, the darling little Emmy that I left a child, and who now, I must -say, is a very charming young lady? Emma. [Pouting.] No, I am not a charming young lady; I am a very disagreeable, unhappy creature. I am sure I am very ugly. 18 -CTHE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT? Capt. Oh, miss, don't be profane!.Emma. They say crying makes one uvy, cnd I weep all day long. Capt. Come, dear Emmy, you must confide all your little sorrows to your old friend. Emma. Yes; but if they heard me-if Lady Creamly knew that I was here? Capt. Look up, and you'll never be cast down. Don't tremble;, am 1 not at your side?-your old fiiend; and besides, there's your brother Charles. Come now, tell me what's the matter, and what is going on in this house. [ They sit. Emma. There is nothing going on, and that makes it so miserable. Day follows day, and are all the same; no pleasure, no balls, no horticultural fetes, no opera-always sermons and scoldings. I am moped to death. C(apt. Oh, I understand, Lady Creamly is a strict disciplinarian? Emma. Oh, horribly severe. Capt. But Mrs. Torrens, your sister-in-law, who is young, and appears mightily amiable? Emma. Oh,.I am sure, I do not say she would not be so, if my brother Charles were to act differently; but all he thinks of is to accompany Lady Creamly on her serious visits, or read some charitable circular to his wife. Capt. Oh, oh! 1 see where the wind blows. Charles was never famous for strength of mind, or firmness of purpose, and he gives way rather than have domestic dissensions. Emma. But the best of it is, whenever he is what they call backsliding, they send him out of town, and he seenis delighted; and then I am left all alone. Capt. But that won't last long-you are sure to marry. Emma. No, that's the worst of it, they won't let me marry-that is to say, to the man of my ch6ice-your old acquaintance, Frank Vincent-but they want to trump up a marriage with a nephew of Mr. Aminidab SleekCapt. What, a nephew of Mr. Aminadab Sleek? [ They rise. Emma. Whom I detest frcm the bottom of my heart. Capt. Sure your brother will never suffer that? Emmna. Oh, my brother counts for nothing in this SCERE I.1 TIHE SERIOUS FAMILY. 19 house. The fact is, they have forbidden Frank to come here, and I am sure he is dying, if not dcad. [Sobbing. Capt. Nonsense, darling, you are both of you too young for dying. Cheer up, and let us see if we cannot restore your brother to common sense, and have you married to Frank Vincent, in spite of Lady Creamly, and that old pepper-and-salt dromedary, Sleek. Enter CHARLES, gaily, down c. Charles. Thank the fates, it's over! I have been bored to death with their hypocrisy and cant. And now, olH fellow, what's to be done, and where are we to begin Capt. Before we commence our campaigning frolic, I have something serious to say to you. My old young friend, Emma, has been letting a little daylight'into the family secrets; and I find that you are not actually the master of your own house-and thiat you are peaceably led by the nose by your mother-in-law, and that dromedary, old Sleek, without a snort or a kick. Charl-es. It's all very well talking —anything for a quiet life. I did make a determined stand at first, but they attacked me in fiont and on both flanks, and I was glad ultimately to yield at discretion. The only consolation I have is, that I get away every now and then, and have a day's shooting. Capt,, That's all very well as far as yourself is concerned, but what becomes of our sweet friend, Emmy, here, who you allow to be sacrificed to the canting son of a thief of that greedy old rhinoceros, Aminadab Sleek because you haven't the decent courage to) say no? Ch/arles. Sacrificed! Why, it's an excellent match; and this is the first time I have heard that Emma dislikes him. Emma. I hate and abominate him, and nothing but force shall ever make me consent to the match. Capt. That's right, my little Casar,-stick to your colors like a little hero, as you are. [To Charles.] And over and above, there is a large lump of an attachment to another, and that other is none other than F1rank Vincent -ah! now don't blush, Emma!-and a smart boy is that same Frank Vincent. Come, Charley, you must be a man, and stand up for your sister's rights. 20 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT iClharles. I have no objection, I am Emma's guardian, and if she says no, her inclination shall not be constrained. But I have had a hard card to play; and if you knew what an obdurate person Lady Creamly is, and what influence she has on my wife-why, the very sound of her voice firightens me! [A voice is heard without.] Damn it! here she is —stick by me, old fellow! Em7na. Oh, dear! I must not be caught here —I leave my cause in your hands'! [Runs of'L. [Tihe voice of Mrs. Torrens heard without. Charles. No, heaven be praised! it's my wife; and now, Mlaguire, I am a man again. Leave me with Eve, and I'll speak to her more roundly than I have ever done. She has an excellent heart, and is attached to me, as well as to Emma. Capt. Stick to that, Charley, boy! A- man should be master of his own house, and a good wife have-no other wish than his. Don't spare powder,. and the victory's your own. Charles. Yes, that's very true, but if my mother-inlawCapt. Don't be chicken-hearted; and in order to leave you a iair field, I'll retreat. [Enter IrIs. Torrens down R. c. To hter.] At your feet, madam. [Bows, and exits c. Chlarl/es. [Aside.] He's right-veryvright! Why should I be affrlaid I A/:er all,'tis but a woman, and that woman my wife. And if it be true that Emma detest3 old Sleek's nephew, why should she be forced to marry him! M)'rs. T. [Aside.] Since my mother assures me that the presence of Captain Maguire is dangerous to my husband, he certainly shall leave. ChAarles. My dear Eve! MIfrs. T., / Mv dear Charles! CAarles. I am overjoyed to see you, for I wish to speak tt ycu on a very important affair. illMs. T. That's just what I have to do with you; and I fear what I have to say will annoy you a little. Charles. That's just the case with what I have to say; but when it concerns the happiness cfMJrs. T. You are perfectly right. Charles. -And then w;'e understand each other so well. SCENE I THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 21 M1Irs. T. [Aside.] I think 1 may safely speak. r Place i chairs, Charles. [Preparing to speak.] Eve, dearI1Irs. T. My dear Charles, you kniow how necessary it is in married life for people to understand each otherCharles. Certainly. Alirs. T. And many things that appear strange at first, are perfectly clear when you come to explain themChiarles. Just what I was but now remarking to Captaini Maguire. 2/Irts. T. Maguire, my love? Why, he can have no ideaC(u/arles. Indeed he has; and it was even he who suggested me to speak to you. MIrs. T.'That is very strange, for really we were at a loss how to break the subject to him. Chiarles. Oh, as to that, he is perfectly well informed; and I really do not think, after what has passed, that we can give Emma to Mr. Sleek's nephew. Do you, my love? Airs. T. That's not our affair, Charles: mamma will arrange all that with Mr. Sleek. But I do hope that you will make Captain Maguire understand thatChzarles. Oh, as to Maguire, he's the best fellow in the world, he will refuse me nothing. jlMrs... In that case our difficulties are all over. You have merely to tell him that instead of taking up his quarters here, he will go to Long's, where I have no doubt he will be quite at his ease. Charles. What' turn Maguire out of doors! An old friend- [Rises MIrs. T. A libertine. C'harles. A capital fellow. L&rs. T. But my reputation, Mr. Torrens. Is it fit that a character-like Captain Maguire should live under the same roof with.your wife? Ckarles. Oh, lord! oh, lord! [Puts clkairs back. Mrts. T. Fie, Charles; and besides, the thing is im. possible. You are going out of town; it is settled vou are to have several days' shooting. C/arles. [Eagerly.] Am I going out of town. And when has this been settled, my drear? 22 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [AcT 1. Mrs. T. Why, my mother and Mr. Sleek hare talked the thing over, and they find that the easiest way of arrangin g the matter. (CJarzles. Oh, that's quite a different affair. Now I beginl to under'stand you-if I am to go into the countryAll,'s. T. Why, you seem quite excited! One would aimost say you were glad to leave us. C/}arles. Oh, no, my love; I am only thinking how admiraobly my absence will get you out of this dilemma. _Mrs.'T. Then you will go to-day 1 Charles. To-day! [Aside.] Capital! Mrs. T. Yes, let it be to-day. Cha?-es. The sooner the better. Airs. T. The better? C/,arles. WVhy, yes, dear, yes; mamma can say to Maguire what [ could not, and my absence would be an excuse for- everything. Enter LADY CREAMLY and SLEEK, C. 1i2rs. T,. I am glad you are come, dear mamma; you have no idea how reasonable Charles is. Sleek. jAside.] Reasonable with a T. Lady C. It is better late than never; and I cannot understand why Mr. Torrens should ever hesitate, even for-a moment, to fbllow the counsel and advice of those who have only in view his advancementSleek. In moral philosophy and utilitarianism. (harles. [Aside.] Another lecture! {Aloud.] Why, Lady Creamly, as you say, you and Eve mean nothing. but my good; and though it is a little hard that I should be be separated from an old fiiend; still, as you and utility desire it, I consent. Lady C. You are wise, in this instance; for it is evident that a young man without the principles of utilitarianism-without moralitySleek. Addicted to the gilded and evanescent follies of modern go-a-headismLady C. Could not remain under our rcof without giving public scandalSleek. Public scandal! Mrs. T. Oh, mamma! Charles feels all that new sensibly, qcuNr I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 23 Charles. But:how can I. send him away; 1 can never sunimon up nerve to do:so. Lady C. That shall be my pleasing duty.: [Captain is heard giving orders. Sleek. Here the chiampagne anti-peace man comes. [Aside.] I know the effervescing q:'alities. Cap. [ Vithout.] That wll do, Danvers —take care of niy luggage. [Enters.] Here:I am, ladies. I never travel with much luggage; one article is enough for me-r-n.a, than one is inconvenient, and weighs heavily upon the mind. [They all bow very gravely, and- C('arles speaks aside to him. Charles, Don't be offendid, old fellow, at whatever occurs; you shall have a note in half an hour at Long's. [To ladies.] I fly to obey your orders! Poor Maguire! [Aside.] Vivela liberted! and a good day's shooting. [Exit c. Lady C. [Stiffly.] Captain Murphy Maguire, IMr. and Mrs. Charles Torrens a.nd I are very much annoyed that a little difficulty h-as occured, whichvwill prevent us the pleasure of receiving you here. Irs. T. We are most reluctantly obliged to saySleek. Yes, we are: most reluctantly obliged to sayLady C. That there is not a single room disengaged; the only spare one was yesterday promised to a friend of.Mr. Aminadab Sleek. Sleek. IMr. Tarquinius Jumbo, a serious colored gentlernan from the interior of Aftrica. Capt. In that case, then, my dear lady, as there is no - oom — ZaIyIrs. } Why, really — Capt. I presume you don't want my company; and, as I -cannot but believe that:-blackl isn't white, the only plan left, ladies, under the existing circumstances of the case, is to make'a retrograde march back with my luggage to Long's Hotel. Lady C. We are quite in despair. Sleek. In despairLady C. At our seeming want of hospitality. Capt. IDon't breathe it, ladies-nor groan it, my little ~patron of Tarquinius Jumbo; among friends such trifling accidents must be taken in good part. For the present. 24 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. LACT 1~ [ have -the pleasure to wish you good day, but I'll call often, and remain a long while —good day!' Poor Charley! [Exit. Lady C. Thank heaven! it's all over. [Sinks into a seat, using smelling-bottle, and fanning hersef with handkerchief: END OF ACT I. ACT II. SCENE I.-A drawing-roomn, splendidly farnzshed. Doors R. and L. Enter MRS. ORMSBY DELMAINE and GRAHAM, L. D. lIrs. D. Has any reply been sent from Mivart's, Graham? Gra. No, ma'am; Jones has just returned, and says that Mr. Fitz-Foley has not been at Mivart's the last fortnight. Mrs. D. HIow very odd! That creature is never to be found when he is wanted. Gra. Don't be uneasy, ma'am; it's true he's never to be found at his hotel, but then at seven, he never fails to show his handsome face, when invited. Airs. D). Yes, Grahaf, he is very handsome, and exceedingly amiable, though at moments his wild merriment runs away with his discretion. I have often thought, since that abominable captain so ungallantly struck Ili colours, that -Mr. Fitz-Foleyr might very well take hit. place in my affections. Gra. Indeed, and why not, ma'am? A lady of your charming disposition, and large wealth, has a right to choose; andwho better could you choose, than the young, handsome, well-dressed, white gloved, polish-booted, Mr. Fitz-Foley. Law, ma'am! [As she speaks, voices are heard, that of Charles Torrent predominating. 8Lcsa. i.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 25 Charles. [Outside.] Nonsense, that will never do-that will never do! Ser. [Outsidc.] But, sir, we are only ten at table. Charles. [Outside.] Twelve, I say, old Wilson, two dozen of Claret, one of flock and Moet's Champagne, a dis cretion. Gra. There he is, ma'am; there's his pianoforte voice orderig:. as usual, the best in the cellar. l4Mrs. D. The monster! he has never once asked for me, ]Enter CHEARLES TORRENS, R. dressed in thle highestfashion, Charles. That WTilson is positively a Goth of the premier force! My dear Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, only imagine, he wants to ice the champagne before drawing the corks, the heathen! WTell, dearest widow, you look radiant; if I were a woman, I would poison you. MArs. D. [Lauohing.] Ever the same superabundant gaiety; I protest, if you do not get steady, I shall be obliged to cloe my doors. Charles. My dear Mrs. Delmaine, not a word, or you will drive me to prussic acid, hair triggers, or W\aterloo Bridge. Why, if the champagne were not properly iced, your character would be damaged for ever. And moreover, my reputation is at. stake to-day, for I have taken the liberty to invite a fiiend, knowing that any fiiend of mine will be well received by you..l3rs. D. Is he young; handsome, and clever? ChZarles. All three! llirs. D. Then he must be a very dangerous young man to introduce. Charles. Never mind-one rival more. If f die, let me die of a surfeit. 1,Jirs. D. WVhere have you been concealed all this time? Charles. In Belgium, in France, Vienna, Comorne, Moscow, and Egypt. llrs. D. I have sent twenty times to Mivart's, and you were never to be found. Charles. No wonder; I was at Constantinople. _lIirs. D. No, no such thing! You were neither in Belgium, France, Vienna, Comorne, Moscow, Egypt, or Constantinople. You were nearer horne than that; for, 26 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT I1 only a few days since, to plBase some count'y friends, I went to hear the new lecturer in the city, on the subject of universal charity, practically considered; when, who should I see, but the gay, fashionable, and all accomplished Fitz-Foley, listening as demurely as some old Barebones, and at the end of the lecture, giving his arm with the greatest propriety to an ancient dowager, who looked as if the charitable arguments that had entered her ears would find some difficulty in reaching either her heart or her pocket. Charles. Impossible; an optical delusion! Mrs. D. It was a fact, and no optical delusion or illu. sion. Charles. Ah! now, by-the-bye, I do recollect. I had just left my banker's, and, curiously enough, passing by the place, an old lady fainted, when I chivalrously offered my arm, andMkrs. D. Pray don't attempt to excuse yourself; indeed, I like you the better for the wish to be instructed in any act of true benevolence; and for my own part, thoughtless and volatile as you may think me, it is ever with a feeling of real pleasure that I contribute what I can afford to any deserving purpose or object of.charity: and to prove it, I am now considering in what way I can best assist the views of some estimable persons who have to-day favored me with this circular. [Hands him one of his circulars. Charles. [Aside.] Whew! one of my own circulars! Extremes meet! [To her.] But dear Mlrs. Delmaine, at what time is dinner ordered? Enter GRAHAM, abrupt7y. Gra. Ma'am, Lady Pompous, Mrs. Culverin Grampuq and Admiral Bowsprit are in the drawing-room. MIrs. D. Pray excuse me for a few minutes; I am sorry to run away from our agreeable tete-a-tete, but I must go and be amiable to our visitors, as they expect it of me. Oh, what'victims we are! how the real comf')rts of the heart are obliged to be sacrificed to the exigencies of the world! I shall expect-you to join us without delay. r.r.:, 7,,.. y n'roftiOe SCrxE I.] THE SERIOUS FAMII V. 27 Char7e1s. Graham, I wonder your lady is not ashamed to have so handsome a maid. Gra. Lord, sir, how you do talk i [He puts his arm round her waist.] Oh, sir, how you are pressing me! You always disremember that Madamn is my mistress. [He kisses her. Charles. That's for your mistress-that's for you. Vive lajoie? Kiss me again, you Venus in a striped muslin! [At this moment CGapt. lAlaguire.enters. Graham runs out. Capt. " Halves," Charley. Am I awake? Why, what a change has taken place.'Pon my word, you're dressed within an inch of your life. CO/arles. Not a word, my dear fellow; this is my shooting-dress-not bad, is it, Maguire? Curling-irons and cold cream, Stultz and style —versus sermons and sodawater, long faces and short glasses. Capt. But where am I? I received your note. WVith whom am I to dine. Charles. With an angel-with the dearest, prettiest, wittiest, most fascinating widow in the world; a friend of mine, and of all pleasant, dashing fellows like me. The fact is, my dear boy, here I am at home. This is my preserve, where I take my day's shooting. Capt. And your wife, and your mother-in-law-that paragon of perfection? Charles. Hush! shut sesame! Not a word; in this house I am a bachelor; I leave my wife and all my sorrows in Harley Street. The truth is; Maguire, since I married, I have been a miserable man-that is to says when I am at home. I have no will of my own; the house is governed by that infernal Aminadab Sleek, and that tigress Lady Creamly. I behaved like an angel the first year; sighed and groaned, early and late; escorted my mother-in-law regularly to Exeter Hall; but every concession made her more arrogant and more exacting It was all in vain; so I determined to be happy in rnm own way. I take an occasional week's absence, undeI pretence of visiting our estates in Leicestershire, and when the shooting begins I am seldom to be found at home. Capt. I'perfectly understand you. 28 THIE SERIOUS FAMILY [ACT II Charles. Then, Maguire, you know my mother-in-law and my wife have given up the world; the Parks, the Opera, and every place of fashionable resort, is deemed by them as abominations. I keep on my rooms at Mlivart's. I indulge in the society of a few valued friends, such as my charming widow, and, hitherto, I have escaped suspicion or detection. Capt. But, this charming widow. Ciharles. You are sure to fall in love, old fellow; I have secured you a place by herside at dinner, and when the champagne works, I defy you to resist her fascinations. Capt. Charles, you are an audacious and extraordinary felloW. Fortune favours the bold; but have a care, you are playing a dangerous game for your own peace of mind. Enter MRS. 1)ELMAINE, not aware of the 2resence of the Captain. Mrs. D. My dear IFitz-Foley, what can keep you here?-Wilson cannot get on without you. Charles. I fly at your commands. But first let me pre. sent you one of my dearest friends-[Pointing to the Captain, whose face is averted.]-an unfortunate devil, who, between you and me, is suffering from a violent attack of heart-sickness, and who has come up to London to go through a course of pleasure, which the faculty have prescribed as a positive panacea for his peculiar disease. Captain Murphy Maguire-[ Mrs. Delimaine starts.]-Mrs. Ormsby Delmtiine. [The Captain turns, recognises her, appears annoyed, but preserves his composure; Charles, not perceiving their embarrassment, continues.] There, good people; in this house there is no ceremony. As for me, I fly to See that the champagne be well iced, and full justice done to Mrs. Delmaine's preparations. [Exit CharZes. Capt. This is a mighty strange accident, madam, that has brought us again together. My friend has taken me quite by surprise. I must own, I was not entirely prepared for so unexpected a rencontre, with one by whom I have been so shamefully treated. Mrs. D. No, Captain;'twas I that was so shamefully treated. Capt. Treated! Didn't you treat me with indifference? BcErm I.] THE tERIOUtS PAMITV. Mrs. ). Didn't you harrass me with suspicions? Capt. Didn't you cause me to go to sea? Mrs. D. Didn't you cause me to think of another Capt. And haven't I been trying to do the same to twenty others? Mrs. D. Oh, there, there-we parted with a quarrel, and we meet again in the same pleasant manner-I must say, you're a discontented —, 1 was going to make use of a hard word, but I won't. Capt. That's right; triumph in your victory-your levity does not astonish me. You are the same gay, thoughtless, cold-hearted woman of the world as ever. Mrs. D. And you are the same warm-hearted, hotheaded, well-meaning, but wrong-thinking man of the world as ever. And now let me ask you, for I know not what right you have to complainCapt. Ah, never mind the right-when I have the reason. Mrs. D. And for what reason have you the right to any special consideration from me? Capt. Would you have me put down all the items t Faith, a ream of foolscap wouldn't contain them. Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, you are an ungrateful woman. Mrs. D. And Captain Murphy Maguire, you are an ungrateful man. I confess, that at one time I was silly enough to feel some esteem for the honesty of your character, and the independence of your mind; but I soon discovered you to be jealous, and so exacting, that I dreaded to entrust my happiness to your hands. Capt. Her wais-t is taper, None is completer; Like the tuneful nine, or the lambs at play; And her two eyes shining, Like rowling diamonds, And her breath as sweet as the flowers of May. Mr& D. But he was surly, And all hurly-burly, When there was no occasion for such display; The man to please me, Must never teaze me, But be kind and mild as a fine and pleasant Moning in the month of May. 30 TIIE SERIOUS FAMILY; [ACT 11 No, sir, yours is not the disposition to suit milne. Your friend, Mr. Fitz-Foley, indeed — Capt. I entirely agree with you, that my friend, Mr. Fitz-Foley, has a million good qualities-indeed, I may say, first-rate qualities; but you see mother nature has not cast us in the same elegant mould. IMrs. D. WVell, I'm glad to hear you acknowledge his good qualities, and your liberality is a credit to your taste and judgment, and I begin to think we may at last agree in our opinions; and now, to admit you into my confidence., allow me to confess, if ever I should marry again -miIld, I only say 1" if"-I will say that Charles FitzFoley, from what I have seen of his temper, his manners, and his general character, is just the husband that would suit me. Capt. [Bursting into a laugh.] What! Charles your husband. Oh! upon my honor, that is something impossible-beyond all possibility! vl/Irs. D. Really, sir, I (1o not comprehend the cause of yonr pleasantry; Mr. Fitz-Foley possesses all the qualities- Capt. Which, of course, I do not possess. I give you much joy of your choice; but the bells will not ring in a hurry for that marriage, I promise you. Enter GRAIIAri. (ira. I beg pardon, ma'am, there are two ladies who insist on seeing you. They have hot come to dinner, but say they have something very particular to say to you. ] Exit Graham. Zapt. Then, madam, with your permission, we will resume this interesting discussion after dinner. FitzFoley!-the female deceiver!-a day's shooting! ha! ha! Exit Captain, n. Enter LADY CREAM.LY and MIrs. TORRENS, L. Lady C. I hope, madam, you will excuse this intrusion, but I believe you are prepared fbr it by our circullar. Airs. D. Oh, certainly, madam, and I feel much flattered by the perm.issicon you have accorded to me to contribute to so excellent a work. [Observes M1Irs. Tcrrens.] Surely GCENz 1.1 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 31 I am not mistaken! Is it my dear schoolfellow, Eve Creamly? 3Ars. T. Is it possible, my dear Harriet! I heard you were married, but we live so much out of the world that I really did not know to whom.'Lady C. So, you, madam, and my daughter are old friends. In that case I will take the liberty of leaving -Eve with you for a few minutes, while I go to Lady Dismal, in the Square, who has promised me a liberal subscription, which Mr. Sleek is in waiting to receive. Mrs.:D. Do, dear madam, I have a thousand things to say to Eve. Lady C. 1I shall return very shortly. [Exit Lady Creamly. 3Mrs. D. Well, dear Eve, I am delighted to see you! Tell me all about your dear self. Are you single or married, and if married, to whom? Mrs. T. Oh, yes! I am married, and to a most worthy and amiable creature; a little too fond of the world at first, but now he listens, thank heaven, to reason. And you, my dear Harriet. Mrs. D. I am a widow, child-that happy, independent being, a widow! Mrs. T. Ah, Harriet! you were always too fond of the world. Mrs. D. And you, Eve, always too demure. I remember, when we were school-girls, how you used to sit and mope over some dreary book, while the rest of us were romping, laughing, singing, and enjoying existence, like happy madcaps as we were. _lMrs. T. Ah! I recollect, [Sighing. 3irs. D. Don't look so solemn, dear; miserable people may groan and talk of this " wicked world," but there are many warm and affectionate hearts in it for all that, and many things to love, and worth loving, too; and there are beauties of hill, dale, river, and mountain, to which it would be ungratefil to close our eyes. If we have clouds, have we not sunshine? Then are we always to be solemn and gloomy? No, my dear, there is more real virtue in kindness, cheerfulness, and goodness of heart than in all the cold and canting solemnity that was ever tut on as a mask for selfishness. But to hear, dear Eve, 32 THE SERIOUS I AMILY [AcT It that you are happy, gives me unalloyed pleasure. Mrs. T. Now, Harriet, tell me the truth; have you any idea of exchanging your life of boasted liberty for the more reasonable one of wife. AIrs. yD. Why, my dear, if I must be candid, I think my boasted liberty is in jeopardy, as I am, at this very moment, persecuted by two men. The one a noble. minded creature, full of heart and jealousy; the other a gay, joyous, rattling soul, sent into this world to torment and to teaze me. But one of them, I candidly confess, I intend to have. Enter CAPTAIN, R. Capt. Mrs. Delmaine, you are particularly wanted, and I apologize for the liberty of disturbing your tete4d-tete. [Sees Lrs. Torrens.] Oh! murther! Mrs. Torrens! AMrs. T. Is it possible. Captain Murphy Maguire 7 Mrs. D. Oh! good people, as I find you know each other, I can have no difficulty in leaving you; Eve will do the honors for a few minutes for me. [.Exit M-rs. Delnaine. Capt. [Aside.] There'll be a conflagration!: Pray, Mrs. Torrens, may I take the liberty to ask you if Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine knows your husband's name? M1frs. T. I'm sure I don't know; I suppose so. Capt. And may I take the liberty of enquiring what brought you here? Mrs. T. I came with Lady Creamly. Capt. And your husband 7 lMrs. T. Oh! Mr. Torrens is in Leicestershire. IHe has gone down for a few'days' shooting.. Capt. [Aside;] Oh! damp powder and spring guns! Are you quite sure of that? Now for a stroke of deli. cate diplomacy! To speak frankly with you, my dear Mrs. Torrens, would you think it possible that your husband has not gone down to Leicester for a few days' shooting, but, on the contrary, remains in town to get rid of the domestic tyranny of his mother-in-law, Lady Sowerby Creamly. lMrs. T. Charles not gone! tyranny? Capt. That's the true word; and be sure, Mrs. Torrens, all tyranny is the same; it makes people either hypocrites or liars, and, upon my faith, sometimes both. i8sV2Z 1 ] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. X3 Mr.ts. T. Sir, I fulfil all my duties. Capt. Who doubts it, my dear lady? Not I, upon my faith! but there is something more than duty in this life; and a man's home must not be turned into a prison, nor every pleasantry be put down as a crime. Charles Torrens, before his marriage, was a decent-hearted, large-souled fellow, partaking handsomely of the pleasures of life, and never, I honestly believe, sullying his mind by its vulgar vices. He was a true gentleman. And what has he become under serious treatment? Why, one half the month a hypocritical puritan, and what be is the other half I leave you, Mrs. Torrens, to find out. MITrs. T. But I am not to blame. It is not my fault. Capt. Yes, my dear Mrs. Torrens, and it is very much your fault.' Oh, I can easily understand -it. It's as plain as the Horse Guards. You are an excellent wife, but a better daughter, and you sacrifice your husband to your, mother. 1 -am speaking, perhaps, too freely, but what I think I say. But surely it must have struck you that Charles will seek from home the pleasure he is denied at home. Mars. T. Oh! that's quite impossible. Mr. Torrens is incapable of wronging me in so base a manner. [Torrens is heard singing gaily, Mrs. Torrens starts, and the Captain turns aside to conceal his laughter. Charles. [Outside.] The coup d' ceil is superb! Maguire, where are you? [Running in.] My angelic Mrs. Delmaine, come and see if the effect is not magnificent! [Seeing:Mirs. Torrens.] My wife! i/rs. T. Charles, in the name of common sense, what brings you here, and dressed, too, in this extraordinary manner? Charles. My dear, I was just going to ask what brings you here? Capt. Oh, Mrs. Torrens is come for an answer to the begging letter-I beg pardon, -I mean the charity circular. Charles. [Aside,] A capital thought! [Aloud.] And so have I, my love, I have come for Mrs. Delmaine's sub. scription. Mrs. T. No, Charles, I am injured and deceived 34 THE SERUIOUS FAMILY. rAnt II Take me away! [Grea'lly agitated.]-I stifle in this house! [Crosses to R. Enlter Ins. I)ELMAINE. lIs.. aW hat, going so soon, iMrs. Torrens. Mlfrs. T. [Pointing to her Ausband.] That wicked man-.Mrs. D. Wicked man! Why, that is one of the gentlemen I spoke of, and I rather think be is the favorite. MUrs... My husband! Your favorite! lMrs. D. Your husband! Oh! [Shrieks. Capt. [Aside, laughing.] Oh! It's beautiful! Charles. [Aside.] I am in for it! This is a nice day's shooting! Enter LADY CREAMLY and SLEEK, R. Lady C. Come, Mrs. Torrens, we have many more calls to make. [Sees Torrens. Sleek. We shall be too late for the Timbuctoo Amelioration Meeting. Lady C. In the name of all that is wonderful! Mr. Torrens! my son-in-law! Is it possible! Sleek. Morally impossible, but ocularly a physical fact. Lady C. Why, sir, we thought you were in Leicestershire. Charles. Yes, Lady Creamly; but unexpected business brought me to town. [Aside.] Caught in the fact. [Aloud.] You perceive that-hem!-that-thatMlirs. T. [Coming to his aid.] That Charles, seeing our carriage at the door, had the kindness to stop and offer you his arm. [Charles offers his arm. Capt. She'll do-she's an angel! or, what's better, a true woman! She can tell a white one with the best of us. Lady C. [Crosses to n. c.] All this must be explained; but, for the present, I consent to be satisfied. Ciarles. [Aside.] Here's an end to my sporting excursiols. Sleek. Then the birds he sent us from Leicestershire were from a London poulterer. They'll lie heavy on my conscience. Mrs. D. [Aside.] I want to know who is the dupe?. I ScEN'E I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 35 am determined to solve the riddle. [Aloud.] I thank you, ladies, for the honor you have conferred upon me, and I bcg your acceptance of the widow's mite. [Crosses to Lady Creamly, ofering her subscription. Lady C. Many thanks, dear madam, [ Taking the money.] very many thanks. Come, my child, take your husband's arni. Airs. D. Perhaps good Mr. Sleek, in return, will cast his benevolent eyes over a little appeal that has been left here four my consideration. [Giving a paper to Lady Creamly, who hands it to Sleek. Sleek. [Taking the paper, looking at it.] Oh, dear! Lady C. What is it, Mr. Sleek. Sleek. A petition from the parlor of a profane publichouse, in behalf of the widow of a laborer, who lost his life last week by an accident, that has left his widow and six children destitute-um —[Looking at.Lady Creamly.] —I don't think we can. Lady C. I am afraid not. Sleek. Believe me, my dear madam, we deeply sympathize with the case, but we are now making a collection for the benighted Choktongs of Passamaquoddy, and haven't a farthing to spare. [Returns thle paper. 2Lady C. Adieu, my friends!;!xiit R. Lady Creamly and Sleek, Torrens and Mrs' Torrens following. Captain Maguire and Mrs, Ddraane laugghing, and thie curtain falls. END OF ACT SECOND. 68 TIE SERIOU1 FAMILY. fACT IIL A CT III. SCENE I.-Drawing-room.-Folding doors c. —Doors R. and L. Enter CAPTAIN MAGUIRE, R. Capt. I've declared war; and here I am in the midst of the enemy's camp. Charley must be saved; MIrs. Torrens taught to know her own happiness; my young friend Emma rescued from the clutches of Aminidab Sleek; and Frank Vincent made one of the family. And here comes the darling little Emma. Enter EMMA, L. Well, darling, what has happened in my absence? Emma. Oh, Captain Maguire, the house is in a state of.mutiny and disorder. Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamly are furious at my brother. Mrs. Torrens is sobbing like a child; and as for me, I am very unhappy indeed; for I do not know what it is all about, or what is to be-ome of me. Capt. Ah, you shall be well taken cure of.S Emma. I understand that Lady Creamly is determined to hurry on my match with that odious nephew of Mr. Sleek, and that we are all invited to dine to-day at his sister's, to settle the preliminaries. Capt. Now stand at ease! attention! I am going to play a bold game, Emma, and I want your assistance; but you must promise complete obedience. Are -we agreed 1Emma. Oh, yes, Captain. I will do exactly what y -u tell me. Capt. Well, then, first and foremost, we are going *a give a ball here to-night. Emma. A ball! Capt. Call it a dance if you will-to some hundred, er hundred and fifty particular acquaintances. So, go ark look )ut your prettiest dress and make yourself as smart UcENE I.] rItE SERIOUS FAMILY. 37 as possible, for probably you will have a partner to your own mind. Here comes the person I expected. Enter FRANK VINCENT, R. Frank. My dear Emma, how long it is since I have seen you. Capt. Halt, there! there's no time at present for tender protestations. Emma. Oh, dear! I'm quite alarmed! — If Lady Creamly should come! Frank. Who cares for Lady Creamly? I'm sure I don't. Capt. Or old Sleek? Emma. Who cares for Mr. Sleek? I am sure I don't. Capt. [Listening at the dwing.] To be sure, we all don't. Hush! here they come-Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamly [Emma screams and runs about the stage, Frank appears eonfujsed.] Sure, you are a pair of heroes! Come back, you little fluttering love bird! Mr. Sleek and'Lady Creamly are better engaged. Now, Frank, have you executed all my commissions? Frank. Punctually, Captain. The invitations have been all sent. Gunter has provided a first-rate feed, and Jullien's band is engaged. In the course of an hour everything will be ready. Capt. And the note to Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine? Frank. Here is her answer; I met Mr. Torrens in the square. He was furious that she was not at home. [Gives note. Capt. [Opening the note.] The angelic widow is all right; she understands me. Now', Frank, see that everything is in readiness for 10 o'clock precisely. [Exit Frank, R.] And as to you, Emma, you had better see after your toilette, as I see Mrs. Torrens coming, and I wish to have some serious confabulation with her. [Exit Emma, L. Enter MRS. TORRENS, R. Capt. I have waited to have the pleasure of seeing you, my dear Mrs. Torrens. Excuse my abruptness, but we must have a ball here to-night. Mrs. T. A ball! Capt. That's the second I've shot with the same balL 68 fTHE SERIOUS FAMILY. [AcT IHL Airs. T. Impossible! [Enter servant, and announces Mrs. Ormsby Deirnaine. Capt. And, d propos, she is the very first guest I have invited. Enter MRS. DELMAINE, R. i'Irs. D. Well, here I am, Captain Maguire, an unexpected and probably an unwelcome visitor to Mrs. Charles.Torrens; but when you tell me my presence is required to render an important service to my dear friend and schoolfellow, I cannot hesitate, even though I transgress a little the strict laws of etiquette. lefrs. T. You are ever welcome to this house, madam, though I am bound to say that I cannot exactly understand in what way your services are required. Probably Captain Maguire, who undertakes the economy ofrmy house, will be able to explain, or rather Mr. Charles Torrens, my husband, who, according to your own admission, is received as a claimant for your hand. Mrs. D. My dear Eve, lay aside for a moment your feelings as an offended woman and apparently injured wife. I am convinced that Mr. Torrens, though gay and thoughtless, loves you sincerely, and that you alone possess his heart. Capt. What you say is quite true, Mrs. Delmaine; and it is for the purpose of convincing Mrs. Torrens that it depends entirely on her own conduct to secure her husband's love and society, that I have ventured to take the liberty I am now doing, and, that. I have summoned you to my aid. Hirs. 1' It would appear that I am to be placed on my trial; well, I will submit with a good grace; so pray open the court and proceed to business. Capt. Then, Mrs. Torrens, I charge you with driving your husband from his natural home, and forcing him to seek those pleasures abroad which every man of the world expects to meet in his own house. Are you not aware of the temptations to which your husband. has been exposed? Do you not see that he was forced to play a false part in society, and even to declare himself a bachelor, for the purpose of securing a good reception? Ms,,t /D. Yes, the wretch was so interfsely agreeable, ScZE I.1 THE'SERIOUS FAMILY. -39 that even I, who am horribly difficult to please, had near. ly fallen an unresisting victim, and forgetting all the worth and honor that are combined in Captain Maguire's heart — [ Offering her hand to the Captain, who kisses it.]-I had almost played him false and accepted your Mr. Fitz-Foley as a lover. Capt. Now, Mrs. Torrens, the only way you c-an secure your husband's return to his duty is by emancipating yourself and him from the dominion of Mr. Aminadab Sleek, and, if I may be permitted to say so, of Lady Creamly. lTIrs. 27. It is quite impossible, Captain Maguire, that I can forget the obligations which duty to my mother imposes on me. liirs. D. [Crosses to Mrs. T.] In that case, my dear, you forget your duty to your husband; and though I would not have you neglect your filial considerations, it also teaches you that your duty to your husband is to love, honor, and obey.him. MiVrs. T. There is no danger of that, for I find that Charles has returned to his usual routine, and he and Mlr. Sleek are at this moment occupied in the great work. Capt. I will easily convince you to the contrary. At what hour this morning did Charles go out, and where to? /Mrs. T. At twelve precisely, to meet Mr. Sleek. Capt. At a quarter past twelve precisely he was irn Belgrave Square, where he found the door of our dear friend, Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, closed against him. 2lllrs. D. Yes, my dear; your naughty husband would see me, but I was denied, and I am determined not to see him until he brings his charming wife to ask his pardon, Capt. And where do you think he is going to-night l XMrs. T. He dines with us at the sister of Mr. Sleek's, and will spend his evening in our usual serious and discreet manner. Capt. Not a bit of it; he has accepted an invitation for dinner with the officers of the Guards, and he has asked me to present him in the' evening at Lady Blank's, in Cavendish Square, with the hope'of meeting our charming friend, whose pursuit he is not inclined to relinquish. MIrs. T. What is to be done, and what do you require of me? -M/rs. D. The fact is, my dear Eve, Captain Maguire 40 THE SERIOUS FAMI'LY. [ACT IhI and I have arranged it all. In order to show Mr. Torrens that you are no longer at the mercy of Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamnly, we have determined that you shall give a ball to-night. WTe have issued tickets to all your fiiend s and I will present you to several of mine. The music and the refr'eshments are ordered, and you have nothing to do but-make yourself look as handsome as possible, and surprise your husband with an unexpected pleasure. [Charles speaks outside.] And, by the way, here he comes, just at the very fortunate moment when his presence is so desired. [Maguire goes up and comes down a. Enter CHARLES, R., seeing MRS. DELMAINE ~he starts, but quickly recovers himself. Charles. Ah! Mrs. Delmaine, I am delighted to see you in this house, and I feel obliged by your early returning my wife's visit. [Crosses to JiArs. Torrens.] Bon jour, ma petite! [To Captain.] Ah, Maguire! how are you It is an unlooked-for pleasure to find you here. Capt. My dear fellow, I just called to know at what hour we are to go to Lady Blank's to-night. Charles. [Aside to Captain.] Don't be absurd, my wife knows nothing of my engagement. Capt. [Not heeding him.] There is to be an immense squeeze. The Duchess de B., and the Countess de F., and the Spanish beauty Donna Inez de Valencia, and valses, and polkas, and to crown the affair, Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine will, I have no doubt, have the felicity to meet you. [Tho Mrs. D;] If I mistake not, Mr. Torrens is engaged to you for the first polka. Murs. T. Sir, my husband does not polk. [Crosses to R., goes up and down R. C. Capt. [Aside.] Courage, Charley, now is the decisive moment! Mrs. D. [Aside.] Fail now, and you are lost forever. Charles. [ With affected courage.] Yes, my dear Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, the first polka, the first valse, and a myriad of quadrilles. _Mlrs. D. Oh, you unreasonable man! Capt. [Aside to Mrs. Torrens.] You see, madam, the only chance of keeping your husband home at night, is to SCENE I.] TUE SERIOTS FAMILY. 41 claim him as your partner for the first poilka, t'ae first valse, and a myriad of quadrilles. Mrs.'. [Aside, hesitating.] Have it as you will; I agree to everything. Capt. [To Charles.] Huzza! we have reached the winning-post-the day's our own! Charles. [Dancing about the stage, and snapping his lingers in the air.] Bravo! bravo! that for old Aminadab Sleek end Lady Creamly! In his transport he throws about the papers. At this moment LADY CREAMLY and MR. SLEEK enter, L., she with bonnet on, and he with hat and umbrella. Lady C. In the name of goodness! what are you about? Charles. Only putting the house in order. Lady C. [Seeing Mrs. Delmaine and the Captain, bows very stigfly, and scarcldy recognizes them. They return her salute in the same manner.] I am going first to dinner, as I have one or two commissions by the way. You, Mr. Sleek, will follow us as soon as possible, and-[ To Mirs. Torrens.]-you, my dear, and Mr. Torrens will not delay. You know that our dear friend's hours are not those of fashionable life. [ Crosses to a. Charles. Dear mamma, my head aches so severely it is impossible I can go out to-day. Sleek. Why, Mr. Torrens, I never saw you looking better in my life. Capt. You're quite mistaken in your prognosis. — Charles's nerves are all shook to atoms. Lady C. Well, then, daughter, you and Emma will come as soon as possible. I will send the carriage for you..JIrs. T. Oh, dear mamma, my nerves ai'e also much affected. _Mrs. D. Excuse me, Lady Creamly, but Mrs. Charles Torrens must stay at home to take care of her husband. The duty of a wife is superior to all ether considerations. Mrs. T. Be so kind, Mr. Sleek, as to make my compli ments and excuses to your sister; my husband's indis. position prevents me the pleasure cf waiting on her as I 42 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT II intended. [Crosses to Charles.] Come, dear husband, we must see what can be done for you. [Exeunt COaries and Mirs. Torrens, L. Lady C7. [To Mlrs. Delinaine.] I suspect this is all your doing, ma.dam. M11rs. ). [Affecting not to understand her.] I would be very happy, but really I'm engaged. Sleek. [Going u) to the Captain.] I much fear, Captain Murphy Maguire, you are meddling with matters you do not understand. Capt. [Also affecting not to understand him.] I am really very sorry, it's quite out of my power to oblige you. [MIr. Sleek and Lady Creamly look at each other with astonishment. Lady C. [Aside to Sleek.] There is something awful going on here, which I cannot understand. I will leave you to unravel the mystery if you can, and secure Emma as I much fear mny son-in.-law has some designs on her independence. [Exits R., disdainfully, not noticing M2lrs. Delmaine or the Captain. Capt. [Down t.] Huzza! the enemy has beat a retreat without beat of a drum or blast of trumpet. Now Mr. Aminadab Sleek, you are our prisoner; at any rate we are two to one against you. Do you surrender at discretion? Mrs. D. Mr. Sleek, have you the discretion to surrenCapt. I want you to inveigle Lady CrealnlySleek. I never inveigled any female in my life. ]AIrs. D. The greater the honor, if you succeed with Lady Creamly. The truth is, that between ycu both you have converted the house of Mr. Torrens into a state prison, and the Captain and I are determined to release him. Capt. Now, sir, in double quick time, or in no time at all-are we to treat you as a friend or an enemy? Sleek. It is quite indifferent how I am treated by you; my interests are not of this house, nor of this hemri sphere. Capt. Of course not; nor have you any personal interest, except the getting of Miss Torrens's fortune SCEDm I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 43 into your hands, by marrying her to young Stiaight-hair, your nephew. Sleek. As a worm, I forgive you; as a man, I despise your hints and inuendoes. Capt. Make up your pious mind that not a shilling of the young lady's property will pass your fingers. Her brother and guardian has already made choice of a husr band-a decent young fellow, with a live heart in his bosom. And here comes Emma Torrens herself, who, if you should have any ugly doubts on the subject, will clear them up, I dare answer. Enter EMMA in a ball-dress, L. Emma. Captain Maguire, is it not a love of a dress? Do I please you? Sleek. Heaven preserve me! what do I see? Atrs. D. You are charmingly dressed, and 1 suppose you are ready to accompany Mr. Aminadab Sleek, who is waiting to escort you to his sister. Emma. I fear, Mr. Sleek, you will have to make my excuse, as I am engaged to a ball this evening. Sleek. A ball! an abomination! Lady Creamly will put a stop to these wicked mummeries! Enter FRANK VINCENT, R. Frank. [Running in.] Captain Maguire, we are all ready. Gunter's people have come with a hamper of silver forks; there are mountains of cream, and whole lakes of wenham ice; and Jullien, and Kcenig, and the band, are coming up stairs. Sleek. What means this awful outbreak?-the house will be defiled! Capt. We are going to have a ball to-night. [Sleek groans. Capt. You may stay and dance if you like. Mr. and Mrs. Torrens have resolved, as you will not let them go to the world, to make the world come to them. Sleek. A ball here! oh! [Groans.] I will go for Lady Creamly, and make you all repent this conduct. Mrs. D. It will be time lost, Mr. Sleek; and I would recommend you to compound with your conscience, as 44 THE.RIOJ] a SM FAMIlY. [AcT MI. you have often done before, and as I have already advised, come over to our side. Sleek. [ To Emmr., bursting with rage.J As for you —, Miss-Miss!Capt. Softly, Mr. Sleek, the British flag protects Miss Torrens. Sleek. I see there is a conspiracy against us-I will speak to Mrs. Torrens. Emma. No, Mr. Sleek; my sister is dressing for the ball, she must not be disturbed. Sleek. [Returns much mortified and puts on his hat.] I will go for Lady Creamly! [His hat falls off, he picks it usp and puts it on again.] Yes, for Lady Creamly — [Going, his hat falls off again; returns-to Captain.] I will make you responsible for everything! [His hat' falls of' a third time; as he is going out he picks it up, and exits foaming with rage. All laugh. Capt. Huzza! the coast is clear-but, I fear, for a short timebnly, as that old sinner will be sure to bring back Lady Creamly-so let us each to our respective posts to get the ball in train before her ladyship arrives. [ T/o Mrs. Delimaine.] You and Emma will have the kindness to see the decorations are in order. You can accompany them, Frank, as their loyal esquire. The supper and wines I take under my especial charge. And, now, England expects that every manMrs. D. And womanCapt. And woman-will do his duty! [Exeunt Captain R.; Frederick, Emma, and Mrs. Delmaine, c.] Enter CHARLES, full dressed, L. Charles. No one in the way; I think I can get off to Lady Blank's without being perceived. That damned Maguire had nearly spoiled all my plans, but, fortunately, I escaped exactly in the nick of time. Enter'MaRS. TORRENS, elegantly attired, t. Good heavens! what do I see. Mrs. Torrens in full. dress? Well, my dear, what extraordinary fancy has taken you to-iight I SCENK 1. THE SfERIOUS tAMrLY. 45 lMrs. T. I may ask the same question, Mr. T rrens; for I see, by your costume, you are bent on conquest. Charles: [Tenderly.] Eve, the only conquest I wish to make is here. A1irs. T. Ah, Charles! you mock me. Charles. [ Taking her hand.] No, my dear. In truth, I never saw you looking so handsome. These jewels, and this dress, become you most admirably..lirs. T. If you are pleased, I am happy. But now, dear Charles, let us have a few moments' explanation, for, perhaps, on the experiment of this night all our future happiness depends. Charles. Dearest Eve, I am all attention. Mrs. T. Charles, you have not been sincere with me. You found me a young creature accustomedotlly to obey the voice of -my mother, and ignorant that I had other duties, but those she imposed on me, to fulfil. You should have told me the little world in which I lived, was not the world in which you, and other reasonable creatures in our sphere of life, existed. I now find that I have been wrong-very wrong indeed, and that if you have gone a little on your side astray the fault is all my own. Charles. Ah, Eve; you are too kind, too amiable; the fault is all mine. I should have- known better what a treasure I possessed. Mrs. T. I am now determined, dearest Charles, to give you no-excuse for seeking amusement abroad, by giving it you at home. We have, henceforth, but one mind, one heart. and in spite of all Mr. Sleek or Lady Creamly may say, we shall be as gay and. happy-with prudence, and in season, of course-as other people of our rank and fortune. Charles. You are an angel, Eve; and from this moment I swear eternal fidelity. Enter CAPTAIN R.; Mrs. DELMAINE, EM MA, C. Welcome! a thousand times welcome! I am the happiest of men; and here is the most angelic creature in existence. Ask no explanations, but we are now the happiest couple in the world. Yo.r hand, Maguire; it is to your spirit and courage I owe this moment of liberty 46 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. rAcT IIn And to you, dear Mrs. Delmaine, I offer a true friend, in lieu of a false lover. Enter FRANK, C. Frank. " Sauve qui pdut." Lady Creamly and old Sleek! Capt. Stand firm, Charley! Mrs. D. Courage, dearest madam! Emma. Oh, we're lost! we're lost! Enter LADY CREAMLY, followed by SLEEK.-She throws hersclf in a posture of violent anger, Sleek stands behind her, hypocricically raising his hands. She does not perceive either of the three ladies, the three gentlemen standing before them. Lady C. [Violently.] What's this I see? What's this I hear? Who has dared to turn this house into a house of sin and iniquity? Sleek. An abode of Agapemenons! Capt. Why, my!ady, I am afraid the blame must rest with me. Lady C. [Haughtily.] I spoke not to you, sir; where is my daughter? Sleek. Where is her sole offspring? [The Captain who?has been standing before MIrs. Torrens, moves aside and discovers her. Lady C. [Screams wit]h horror.] Oh! what do I see? Witchcraft-silk, satins, flowers, and jewels! Are we in Bedlam?. 1q/Irs. T. Why, dear mamma, it is only a ball. Lady C. A ball! are you mad, child? Sleek. You can't dance without a license —call in the police, even Government cannot defer that tax on hops. Lady C. [To Charles.] Explain this, Mr. Charles Torrens. Gapt. [Aside.] Stand firm, or you're lost! [Charles hesitatingly steps aside and discovers Emma. Emma. [Advancing.] It is only a nice little ball, Lady C ieamly. Sleek. Child of polkamania! Cellarius infant! ffrs. T. It's only a ball, mamma, I give in honor of my husband's birth-day. SCENIE I.] THIE SERIOUS FAMILY 47 Charles. Yes, dear mamma, a little dance in honor of my birth-day. Frank. [ Coming forward, discovers Airs. Delnaine.] Merely a valse and a polka. Sleek. And that widow of profane Ephesus. jits. D. Yes, Mr. Aininadab Sleek, for once in my life I am tempted to join the solemn circle of a serious family. but only in the hope of bringing cheerfulness and geniality, where hitherto have been groans and sighs and straight-laced formality. Charles. To speak plainly, Lady Creamly, this is my house, and for the future I am determined to be master in it. I will have no longer puritanical faces and starched behavior about me. I'll see happy countenances, smiles and cheerfulness. Sleek. Then look at us. ltIrs. T. [Crosses to Lady Cream7y.] Yes, mamma, we love you very dearly; but Charles and I are commencing a new system. Lady C. WVhat do I hear.Support me, Mr. Sleek. Sleek. Morally I would, but physically I can't. Lady C. Must I renounce you for ever? Daughter, I command you to follow me i Mifts. T. Dear mamma, one's first duty is to obey one's husband, and Charles has ordered me to stay. Lady C. [To Emma.] As for Miss Insolence —come hither! Emma. Pardon me, Lady C reamly, Charles is my guardian, and has ordered me to stay. Lady C. [To. It'fs. Delmaine.] And you, madam, will inatantly leave my house. i1Irs. D. Pardon me, Lady Creamly, this gentleman, my intended husband, has ordered me to stay. Capt. (R.) And the three pair of us will make a mighty pretty couple. Lady C. Why, this is rebellion. Ch/7arles. No, mamma, only a revolution. Sleek. Insurrection, if it doesn't succeed. Charles. [ Thc first bar of apolka is lheard.] Ah! there's the polka —partners and places. Lady C. Vice and vanity! Ungrateful children, I banish you forever! Come, Mr. Sleek. TtE SERIOUS FAMILY", [ACT f.C Sleek. Your wicked saltations won't last. No! though it's a long time, there's a good time coming'! [Sleek gives his hand, and they walk of majestically. Thze doors at the back of the stage are thrown open, and disclose a ball-room, richly ornamented and lighted up. The Orchestra play Polka pianissinmo. Captain gries his arm to t]he widow; Frank Vintent to Emma; and Charles to Mrs. Torrens. Guests dancing. Charles. [Rubbing his hands.] This is a capital day's shooting. [The following lines are spoken to the polka air tWt.i dancing.] Charles. Isn't this joy, my darling Eve? MlTrs. T. Joy with you the dance te weave. Frank. Oh! may I really call you mine? Emma. Partner for life, dear Frank, I'm thine! Capt. I'll be the model for husband's lives. Mitrs. D. I'll be the pattern of faithful wives! Capt. Ch les, isn't this a heavenly scene? iJLs. D. And angels we —that's what you mean u.lrs. T. Gaily my husband's hours shall fly, I vow it. Emma. And I! Mrs. D. And I! Capt. And I! Charles. Then, if we've pleased our generous friends, Gaily THE SERIOUS FAMILY ends. DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN. Mil-s. D. MAGUIRE. MIRS. T. CHARLES. EMMA. FRAN,, a. R.C. c. C. L.C. > THE BND.