/
\\ /          U\
THE AUTHOR,




THE
NEW  PURCHlASE;
OR,
f r"j       M lers       ti te 1ar,tiesL
BY
ROBERT CARLTON, ESQ.
" ALTER ET IDEM."
PER MULTAS ADITUM SIBI SBEPE FIGURAS REPPERIT --
ILLUSTRATED BY MOMBERGER.
SECOND EDITION, REVISED BY THE AUTHOR.
TWO VOLUMES IN ONE.
1,  tltt, 1^.:
JNT O..    NUJNEMAh CIIER.
NEW  YORK:-D. APPLETON  AND  CO0
PHITADELPHIA:-J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.




Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1855,
BY JNO. R. NUNEMACHBR,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
District of Indiana.
Printed snd Slereotyped by BILLIN & BROT}IK:, NO. 20 North Willlar Street, N. Y.




PREFACE TO TIlE SECOND EDITION.
THE Rev. C. Clarence having removed from  Somwhersburg to Somwherelse, and R. Carlton, Esq., having,
at the same time, eschewed authorship, the'writer of this
Preface, who has been guilty of doing, " Frank Freeman,"-" Teaching a Science,"-"A  New Latin Grammar,"-and, indeed, "Something for Everybody;" and,
who, when authors become scarce, may do more in the
writing line, is induced, "for a consideration,"'to introduce the New Purchase to    New Purchasers.
From  complete knowledge of all matters, and from
personal acquaintance with the Drarnatis Personce-expressed or implied-quadrupedal or bipedalic-the writer
being a competent witness, now averreth the substantial
and not rarely the literal truth of this Book in its many
individualities and genericals.
Although published near the noon of the Yellow Literature Day, the First Edition of the Work was all
immediately sold and at a high price; but the " Patrons"
of Native American Authors with or without a genius,
being few, and the Mass-men resolving to devour only a




4        PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION.
Penneth of Book at a time, or at most a York-Shilling
worth, the good books were withheld from the market.
But, now, the Writer having repeatedly assured inquirers
that the Book would, in time, be re-published, "takes
this method of informing Mr. Carlton's friends," who
keep on wondering " where on earth the Purchase is to be
found," stores and stalls having been rummaged in vain,
that it can be obtained at NoTew Albany, Louisville, Cincinnati, "Voodville," and "Timberopolis," out there; and
in New York, Philadelphia, and Boston, in here; and,
indeed, at, in, and near all intermediate and out of the
way places, of Booksellers    particularly and generally.
Moreover, as the New Purchase is improved and hath
"picters to match," or in Uncle Tommys language, is
"illusterated;" and is cheaper and therefore better, it is
now —(landsomely dressed  in  cloth)-bound-to sell.
But still the Book is essentially the same, and, indeed-a
little more so.
Mr. Clarence wishes the Dead Language on the Title
Page to be waked up; but Mr. Carlton has misgivings
whether it would even then talk any better; and whether
it would be prudent to unlock secret doors to the privacy
of Colonel Wilmar, Bishop Shrub, Harwood,  Uncle
Tommy, Sylvan, Allheart, and others.  And he fears, if
folks are cautioned about the traps set to snare them into
goodness, lest they step so dextrously through the Volume as to evade them all. The clerical influence over
M[r. Carlton inclined him ever to wish well to his readers;
so that while willing these should "laugh and grow fat,"




PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION.              5
he hoped also, they would be merry and become wise.
However, by way of compromise, the readers of the
common school are informed that-" Alter et idem" means,
— "pretty much of a muchness," or in better Saxon-" Six
of one and half a dozen of the other."  The other lines
may be rendered-" Being crafty he catches with guile/!"
And these are the freest translations we are at liberty to
give.
In time, perhaps, a Key may be forged for the Lock.
It is hoped, however, none but Masters will ever get in,
or advanced Students afflicted with Cacoethes Scribendi; as
such only will understand how out-of-the-way matters
can be turned to good account, and how a Man may use
a liberty without abusing it.
B. R. HALL,
AUTHOR, Pro. Tern.
BROOKLYN, 1855.








THE NEW PURCHASE.
CHAPTER 1.
THE JOURNEY.: Oh! young Lochinvar is come out of the-WEST."
To persons of tender sensibilities and ardent enthusiasm, the
West is a land of beautiful visions; while its gorgeous clouds,
like drapery around the golden sunsets, is a curtain veiling
other and more distant glories.  Such persons are not insensible to worldly advantages, yet they abandon not the East
from the love of gain: but are rather evoked by a potent, if an
imaginary spirit, resident in that world of hoary wilds.  From
the prairie spreading its grassy and flowery plains to meet the
dim horizon; from  the river rolling a flood across half a continent; from  the forest dark and venerable with the growth of
many centuries, come, with every passing cloud and wind, the
words of resistless invitation; till the enchanted, concealing the
true causes, or pretending others, depart for the West. They
are weary of a prosaic life; they go to find a poetic one.
To much of this day-dreaming spirit is the world indebted
for the author's sojourn of seven and a half years in a part of
what was, at the time of this journey, the FAR WEST. In early
boyhood, Mr. Carlton was no ordinary dreamer: nay, in the
sunshine, as by moonlight, shadows of branching antlers and




8                 THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
flint-headed arrows fell across his path, as visionary deer bounded
away before the visionary hunter.  At school, a boy of kindred
soul occupied the adjacent seat; and this boy's father had left
him, as was then believed, countless acres of rough mountains
and woods undesecrated by civilized feet.  How far away this
sylvan territory may have been, was never asked, it being any
where near enough and easy of access to day-dreamers; for we
had actually devised a plan to steal off secretly at some favourable moment and find a joyous life in that forest elysium.
Before the external eye lay, indeed, Dilworth, his columns of
spelling in dreadful array of single, double, and treble files, and
surrounded by dog-ears curling up from the four corners of the
dirt-stained page; but the inner eye saw them not. And if out
lips moved, it was not to call over the, names of the detested
words; no, it was in mysterious whispers:-we were wrapt
in a vision, and talked of bark huts and bows and arrows, and
were setting dead-falls and snares, and arranging the most feasible plans for the woods and the mountains.
Such talks would, indeed, begin, and for a while, continue, so
like the inarticulate buzz and hum  of an old-fashioned schoolboy "getting by heart," as to awaken no suspicion in Master
Strap. As enthusiasm, however, kindled, tones became better
defined and words more articulate.  Then ensued, first a very
ominous and death-like stillness in all parts of the school-room
except ours, and then-the sudden touch of a wand that broke a
deep spell, and alas! alas! awoke us to our spelling!  Poor
children! we cried then for pain and disappointment.  The
hour came when we shed more bitter tears at sorer disappointments, and in a severer school! Even as I write there is a
thrill of boyhood in my soul; and in despite of philosophy tears
are trembling in my eyes-as if the man wept for the crushed
hopes of the bo!
Experience may curb our yearning towards the earth; yet
even amidst the longings after the things that eye hath not
seen, there do remain hungerings and thirstings after a possible
and more perfect earthly state.  At the dawn, therefore, of
manhood, Mr. Carlton still hoped to meet in the Far West




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      9
visions embodied, although pictured in softer lights and graver
colours. Shortly, then, after our marriage, in the first quarter
of the present century, after the honey-moon, indeed, but still
within the "love and cottage" period, Mrs. Carlton was persuaded to exchange the tasteless and crowded solitude of
Philadelphia, for the entrancing loneliness of the wilds, and
the promenade of dead brick for the living carpet of the natural
meadow.
Having no immoveables, and our moveables being easily
transmuted into baggage, preparation was speedily made; and
then hands were grasped and cheeks kissed, alas! for a long
adieu:for when we returned with sober views and chastened
spirits, these, our first and best loved friends, were sought,
but
"They were not."
CHAPTER  II.
"Who goes there?-A friend."
THE stages of that day wore no boots.  In place of that
leathern convenience, was a cross-barred ornament projecting
from  the rear to receive the baggage.  This receptacle was
called the "Rack."  From  its wonderful adaptation for the
utter demolition of what it received, it was originally named
" Wreck;" and this word, in passing through the ordeal of vulgar pronunciation, being called " Wrack," having lost its "W,"
remained, what indeed it so much resembled-the Rack.  In
binding Mrs. Carlton's trunk to this curious engine of torture,
the porter broke the rope; and the trunk falling down, the
articles within, in spite of an old lock and a rotten strap, burst
from their confinement and were scattered over the street. The
porter was very prompt in gathering the articles and securing
the lid, and as some compensation for his blunder and its con



10                TIIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
sequences, refused the usual fee of the wheel-barrow service.
Of course he received thanks for his generosity instead of rebukes for negligence: but on inspecting afterwards our trunk,
the absence of a purse containing seven dollars, and of a silver
cup worth twice as much, awakened suspicions of less honourable
cause for the porter's conduct.
Here then were, at the outset, treachery and theft; but there
was present a believing spirit mingling sweetness with the wormwood.  Were we not actually on our way to the land of vision!
Surely no such baseness there! The sanctity of that Far West
is inviolate!
Our stage was most judiciously filled with three tiers.  The
lower tier was composed of saddle-bags, valises, small trunks
and carpet-bags; the second, of human beings supported upright
by an equal squeeze on all sides; and then, on the condensed
laps of the living tier, rested the third tier, made up of extra
cloaks; band-boxes and work-baskets, several spare hats in pasteboard cases, half a dozen canes and umbrellas, and one fowlingpiece done up in green baize.  Notwithstanding the great felicity of this arrangement, the inquietude of the upper and lower
tiers when the stage started, occasioned in the sentient tier some
inarticulate growling and a little half-smothered cursing; which
crusty symptoms, however, presently yielded to a good-natured
laugh at the perseverance with which Mr. Brown remained on
a French gentleman's foot, through a misapprehension of a very
polite and indirect request not to stand there-a laugh in which
the parties themselves joined.
Our driver had given the signal, when away dashed the horses;
and then commenced the inconsiderate restlessness of the internal baggage and the ill-concealed growling of the passengers.
But at the end of a few squares the stage stopped at a hotel;
when the door of the vehicle being instantly opened, the space
was filled with the head and shoulders of Mr. Brown, who began
as follows:
"Ladies and gentlemen, you seem to be full in here, I suppose it is no use to be looking for my seat in the dark-"
"Sare"-responded, evidently by the accent, a Frenchman,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      II
and in a most complaisant and supplicatory tone-" Sare, do not
you knowt my foote is under yours l"
"No, sir,"-rteplied Mr. Brown, standing up as well as he
could in the stage, and feeling about for some space.
" Sare, do not you know my foote is under yours?"-voice
higher and quicker.
"No, sir, I don't,"-surprised, but not budging.
"Sare, do you not know my foote is under yours?"-on the
octave, and getting higher and more emphatic.
" O! I beg your pardon, sir,-do you mane I'm raelly treading on your'fut?' "-without, however, moving off, but considerately waiting for information.
" Yes! sare! I do!"
" Oh! I beg pardon, sir-raelly I thought I was standing on
a carpet-bag"-and then, satisfied he was wrong in his conjecture, and that it was " raelly the fut," Mr. Brown instantly removed the aggravating pressure.
Our fiiends thus introduced by the "foote" and the "fut" as
the gentleman from  France and the gentleman from  Ireland,
were welcomed by no inaudible laughter; in which they also
participated, while at the moment the door was violently
slammed, and that instantly followed by a startling crack of the
impatient whip.  This was of great advantage to Mr. Brown, as
it helped him to a seat somewhere; although from some peevish
expressions, he must have alighted on other qzuarters as well as
his own. All outcries and growlings, however, occasioned by
hats and bonnets innocently dashed into neighbouring faces, or
by small trunks unable to keep their gravity, and elastic sticks
and umbrellas that rubbed angrily against tender ancles or poked
smartly into defenceless backs, all were drowned in the rattling
thunder of the rolling wheels; and the tiers, rather loosely
packed at first, were soon, by the ferocious and determined
jerking and plunging of the vehicle, shaken into one compact
quiescent and denmocratical mass.
Unsuccessful attempts then came to sustain a general talk on
the weather, the time of reaching the breakfast, the hour of the
night, and the like novel and interesting topics; the questions




12               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
being commonly put, and the replies hazarded by six or eight
voices together, and in as many intervals of pitch, from the
grumbled bass to the most tremulous and piteous treble.  To
these succeeded equally abortive effbrts to sustain duos and
trios, till the whole performance became a solo.  The performer,
when day peeped in upon us, proved to be a middle-aged and
corpulent lady, who sang out in a very peculiar and most penetrating tone; herself both asking and answering, often categorically, but for the most part in the " guess and may be" style of
recitativo.  Encouraged by the silence of the company, the lady
at length in the same lofty strains sang out portions of her own
history, introducing the pleasing variations of " may-be-it-would"
and " may-be-it-wouldn't" —' I guessed and he guessed"-and
" says I and says he," etc. The burden, however, of the piece
was this: —it was her first trip to the city, although from a little
girl she had lived within thirty miles-but her mother could
never spare her-and when she married Jacob, her and him
could never leave home together, and Jacob, he would never
let her go alone by herself, being "right down sarten she'd
never come back again alive or without some of her bones
broken."
Soon, however, we began to go " slowly and sadly" over the
Schuylkill bridge; when something not unlike snoring admonished the lady of our seeming inattention, and her musical narrative suddenly ceased, like the sudden holding up of a hard
rain: and then all were quickly either practising sleep at random, or with troubled thoughts wandering to the absent or indulging fitful dreams of the future.
Morning revealed by degrees the incumbeotss, and in very imposing attitudes.  For instance, there was the Frenchman-his
head on the Irishman's shoulder, and keeping pretty tolerable
time to the music of the jolting carriage; while the Irishman,
revived now and then by a desperate lurch extra, as in atonement for his fault, made no attempt to be rid of his burden, but
slowly closing his eyes, nodded away with his own head in the
direction of our solo. But all noddings in this book will be indulged by the classic reader, who knows well enough:




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      13
"Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerns."
"The excellent Homer takes a nap now and then."
Fronting myself was a person with hands holding to a strap
pendent from the roof; his head inclined towards his breast, and
his hat fallen off, but intercepted by Colonel Wilmar, his sleeping
neighbour.  This person, on several elevations of his head, presented a countenance that set me to recalling past scenes and
associates, and I was in a fair way of making some discovery,
when all were fiercely jerked into wakefulness by a most unnatural and savage plunge of the stage, followed on the instant,
like severe lightning, by an explosion; the tiers becoming all
vocal with "bless my soul's"-" my goodnesses!" —and vulgar
"ouches!"  Above all, however, sounded this pathetic remonstrance in our talking lady's inimitable style:-" La! Mister!
if you aint nodded agin this here right bran new bonnit of mine,
till I vow if it aint as good as spiled!" To this no reply was
permitted as the horses suddenly halted, and a venerable and
decent landlord having opened the door of the carriage, requested
us to alight, adding that " the stage breakfasts here."
The live stock accordingly was unpacked and extricated
from  the dead, no important damage being visible, except in
"the bran new bonnit;" and sure enough, it was curiously
sloped contrary to nature, with an irregular concave in the
front and  suitable  enlargements  sideways.  Sceptics like
Hume would doubtless have raised a query, if the width was
entirely owing to the noddings of the Irish gentleman, or the
very ample rotundity of the cherry-checked and good-humoured
face expanded within the bonnet; but Mr. Brown himself at
once admitted his inconsiderate butting as the cause, and with
every appearance of concern busied himself with assisting the
matron to alight and looking after her baskets and boxes. This
so won on her, that when at the first opportunity Mr. Brown
attempted an apology and condolence, he was interrupted by
her saying-" Oh! never mind it, Mister, it aint no odds no
how, and I guess we can soon fix it."
During our ablutions I caught the eye of the stranger already
named, fixed with an inquiring look on my face; and then we




14                T I' E  NEW  P UR C I-ASE.
both, towel in hand, gradually advanced, yet embarrassed and
hesitating as if both recollected the incident, "you thought it
was me and I thought it was you, and faith it's nather of us,"
till, arrived at a proper distance, he extended his hand and
hazarded the affirmative inquiry:
" If I mistake not this is Robert Carlton!"
My reply showed it was each of us:
" Clarence! Charles Clarence!-is it possible-is this you V"
Reader, this Charles Clarence was the identical boy of the
adjacent seat, whose enthusiasm  for bark cabins and forest life,
like my own, had beguiled us of many a hateful lesson, and
gained for us many a smart application of birch and leather
in parts left defenceless by scant patterns of primitive roundabouts!
Shortly after this, in the parlour of the Warren tavern, a
general introduction took place among the Pittsburg travellers: viz., Mr. Brown, Mr. Smith, Colonel Wilmar and Miss
Wilmar, Mr. Clarence and Mr. and Mrs. Carlton; who all, in due
season, shall be more particularly introduced to our readers, as
the Party.  At present we must obey the signal for breakfast;
that meal being really prepared for the passengers, although, by
metonomy, it was in old times said to be for the stage.
CHAPTER III.
"Hominem pagina nostra sapit."
"Our page describes some gentlemen."
WHEN  summoned to the stage by the driver's horn, it
seemed we had lost some way-passengers, room  being thus
obtained for the lady of the bonnet; who, however, appeared
wearing the old article, having, with a corrected judgment,
consigned the damaged one to the band-box.  So, also, greater
space was found for the French gentleman's foot, who had,
from apprehension of cold or from gout, so encased his pedalic




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     15
appendages in socks of carpet-stuff as to lead a careless obser
ver, even by daylight, to mistake his feet for two of the many
travelling bags on the floor.  Opportunity also was afforded
of a more judicious disposal of various rubbing, poking and
punching articles; so that, aided by a good breakfast and a
morning cold but bright, we were soon engaged in a conversation, general, easy and animated.
And now we may properly proceed to introduce the gentlemen of the party.  Please then, reader, notice first that pleasant-looking personage bowing so profoundly, and evidently
anxious to win your favour.  That Is-hem!-that is Robert
Carlton, Esq.  He takes the opportunity of soliciting your
company not only for the journey but-all the way through his
two volumes in one.  He would also say, it is his purpose to
imitate Julius Caesar occasionally, and use the third instead of
the first person singular; and to adopt now and then, too, the
regal style, in employing nominative we, possessive our or ours,
objective us. These imitations, it is supposed, will give a very
pleasing variety to the book; enable the author to utter complimentary things about Mr. Carlton and his lady with greater
freedom; and not run so hard upon capital I's, or, in technical
phrase, not exhaust the printer's sorts.
This next gentleman is lmy friend Mr. Smith.  Like so many
of the name, he was in all respects a worthy man, and honoured,
at the time, with a high station in the magistracy of Pittsburg.
Our party shared his liberal hospitality there; and since that
hour we have been quite partial to the Smiths, and their relatives the Smythes.  Happy partiality this; for if all classed
and sorted under that grand-common-proper-noun take a corresponding liking for our author, where will be the limit to the
number of copies and editions?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Brown.  He was an Irish
gentleman, had travelled extensively in Europe, and had the
manners of the best society.  At present he was at the commencement of a tour over the United States.  Among his
oddities, not the least was his odd person, entitling him to Noah
Webster's word, lengthy,-he appearing alternately all body,




16                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
when one looked up, and all legs, when one looked down:-a
peculiarity I am led the more to notice, as I found his elongation very unfavourable to skiff navigation on the Ohio river;
indeed it put us in jeopardy, if not of life, yet of immersion. In
spite of all his reading-M/r. Boz, however, had not then published his American Notes —Mr. Brown was remarkably ignorant of our country, expressing unfeigned surprise that our road,
only twenty miles from  Philadelphia, in place of leading into
dark forests filled with wild beasts and naked savages, did
really run amid open farms and smiling scenery, abounding
with domestic animals and civilized agriculturalists.  Pittsburg was his ultimza Ti/ule, beyond which he expected to find
no place.  Distinguished, however, for his agreeable manners
and frank disposition, cheerfully confessing and laughing at his
own mistakes, he became of course a universal favourite.
Colonel Wilmar was, however, my beau ideal of a gentleman.
To a manly beauty, he had added the qualities of good education and the grace of many accomplishments.  He was courteous, brave and chivalrous; his attention to others resulting
from  benevolence and not from  prudence.  Ladies under his
care-and that, from  a knowledge of his character, was often
the case-were regarded by him more as sisters having claims
on a brother's attentions, than as strangers committed to his
trust.  With pleasure we thought such a specimen of our citizens could be contemplated by Mr. Brown; and Mr. Carlton
rejoiced that he knew one worthy to live in the land of poetry
and dreams: for the colonel was an inhabitant of the West.
But hark!-some one hails our driver, and the stage stops-' Law! bless my senses, if there aint Jacob in his cart come
out for me at the end of our road!"-was the immediate exclamation that burst from Mrs. Bonnet.  The unexpected sight of
her husband and the thoughts of home-where we learned she
expected to see " little Peggy "-were too powerful for the prudent resdlves or secret awe that had, for the last hour, kept our
dame silent; and thus out rushed nature's feelings.  Nor did
the torrent exhaust itself at one gushing-it paused and then
continued:




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    17
"I vow I thought he'd a met one at the tavern in Dowington-but Jacob's so monstrous afeard of a body's gittin hurt,
that he's staid out here-I do wonder how he left them all at
home 2"
In the meantime, Mr. Brown, pleased with her self-satisfaction, good nature, and forgiving temper, had got out and stood
receiving first the band-box containing the pummelled bonnet,
and then aiding its owner to alight; for which he received a
cordial " thankee, sir," and a pressing invitation to call and see
her and Jacob if ever he should be travelling that way again.
All that could be heard of the conjugal dialogue was-" Well
I vow, Jacob, who'd a thought of seeing you at our road!"-to
which was answered-" And so, Peggy,"-the rest being lost
in the renewed thunder of our wheels.  Jacob was evidently
pleased to receive Peggy safe; and his calm quaker-like dress
and countenance seemed to look and say, he was by no means
the Mercury or chief speaker in the domestic circle.
Charles Clarence my new found friend was an orphan.  His
parents both had died, he being scarcely three years old, leaving
him, however, heir nominally to large and valuable tracts of
land.  But he succeeded to nothing at last, more valuable than
a very large mass of useless papers; unless we except some
trinkets indicative of an ancient and wealthy family: and even
these the sole mementos of departed parents were sacrificed to
supply the urgent necessities of Clarence, when he found himself a deserted boy. Some relatives did not then know of his
existence-and some only found it out when he did not need
either recognition or assistance.  A maternal uncle, however,
in the far South, prevented by sudden death from adopting my
friend as a son, had left him a legacy: and fi-om this he had
been liberally educated, with many interruptions, however, and
many distressing inconveniences, owing to the interception of
his small dividends on some occasions by dishonest agents.
Still the apparent neglect of some relatives, the want of a
guardian, and other seeming evils had been of service to Clarence
in giving stamina to his character, wanting, naturally, in bone
and sinew.  Even the interruption of his studies had led to




18               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
several voyages and journeys with peril indeed, to life and
health, but with advantage to his mind and manners.  His
fondness, too, for adventure was indulged, and he was rendered
thus a more interesting and instructive companion and friend.
Sobered, it is true, by disappointment and grief, my friend was,
yet I found him now sufficiently sanguine and confident to venture on enterprises considered praiseworthy, if one succeed, but
not so, if he be unsuccessful. Indeed, but lately had he returned
from a visit to the Falls of Niagara; in which, from want of
money, he had been induced to use the vulgar mare that required only rest and no oats-in other words, with a knapsack
on his back he had, in company with two associates, made a
tour of three hundred miles on foot.  He had also travelled
many thousand miles in various directions and in various capacities, so that he abounded in anecdotes and incidents, which he
could so relate as to make himself a companion for a journey
by no means undesirable.*
At this very time Clarence was going to Kentucky on a very
grand adventure:-he was on his way to be married.  When
only sixteen years of age he became affianced to a maiden,
whose family shortly after emigrating to the West, had separated the lovers.  But now at the end of seven years, during
which the parties had never met, Clarence was going, as he pretended, to see the family; but in reality, reader, to marry his
sweetheart.  Ladies! will you please note this as an offset to
instances of faithlessness in our sex? And were not these specimens of long cherished love and unbroken faith worthy the
poetical land?
-But what lights in the distance?  Oh! that is Lancaster,
and there we eat supper and change stages: excuse me, then,
reader, we have no time to introduce our ladies.
*        *         *          %*                  *,       V 
Excepting monsieur, we had before stopping let out all our
way passengers; but fortunately on attempting to get into a
new stage, a size less, we discovered enough new way passen* A book, or at least a lecture, we learn, is threatened, founded on that peregrination.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     19
gers not only to take the seats of the former ones, but our seats
also-so remarkably accommodating were the old-fashioned
accommodation stages and stage owners! Alas! for us that
night! it was before the era of caoutchouc or gum  elastic!stage-bodies of that could have so easily become a size larger
and a size less as passengers got in or out! Oh!.the crammingthe jamming-the bumping about of that night! How we practised the indirect style of discontent and cowardice in giving it
to the intruders over the shoulders of stage owners, and agents,
and drivers, and horses! And how that crazy, rattling, rickety,
old machine rolled and pitched and flapped its curtains, and
walloped us for the abuse, till we were all quashed, bruised, and
mellowed into a quaking lump of passive, untalking, sullen
victims!
CHAPTER IV.
" Pshaw I"
DASHED away from the hotel the stage with such vengeance
and mischief in the speed that the shops ran backward in alarm
and lights streamed mere ribbons of fire, as when urchins whirl
an ignited stick! Discontent, therefore, found a present alleviation in the belief that such driving, by landing us in Harrisburg speedily, would soon terminate our discomforts. But the
winged horses, once beyond Lancaster, turned again into hoofy
quadrupeds moving nearly three miles per hour! And then
the watering places!-the warming places!-the letting out
places!-the letting in places!-the grog stations!-and above
all! the post-offices!-and oh! the marvellous multiplication
of extra drivers!-and extra drivers' friends!-and hostlers!
it was like the sudden increase of bugs that wait for the darkness before they take wing! And then the flavour of the stable
considerately tempered with the smell of ginsling and apple
whiskey!-both odours occasionally overpowered by the fragrance of cigars bought six for a penny!




20                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
At first, so decided a growl arose from the imprisoned travellers whenever a cigar was lighted, that the smoking tobacco was
at once cast away; but the rising of the numberless other
gases soon taught us " of two evils to bear the least," and the
cigars were finally tolerated to the last puff.
And then the talk on the driver's seat!how interesting and
refreshing!-For instance, the colloquies about Jake! and Ike!
and Nance! and Poll! The talk, too, first about the horses,
and then the talk with the horses; on which latter occasions the
four legged people were kindly addressed by their Christian
names and complimented with an encomiastic flourish and cut
of the lash.  To these favours the answer was commonly an
audible and impatient swing of horse tails; sometimes, however, it came inform  of a sudden and malicious, dislocating
jerk of the stage; and sometimes, I am sorry to add, the an_
swer was altogether disrespectful.
Within the den, the ominous pop, at irregular intervals-but
not like angels' visits in number and length-and the smell of
fresh brandy, intimated dealings with evil spirits, and that some
carried bacchanalian pocket pistols-more fatal than the powder
and bullet machines used in other murders and suicides.  Olfactories were regaled also with essence of peppermint, spicy gingerbread, and unctuous cold sausage; such and other delicacies
being used by different inmates to beguile hunger and tedium.
At length a jew pedlar, with a design of selling the article as
well as gratifying a musical penchant, exhibited-not to our
eyes-it being Egyptian night within-but to our ears, a musical snuff box, if not enchanting yet certainly enchanted, as it possessed the art of self-winding, to judge from the endless and
merciless repetitions and alterations of the Copenhagen Waltz
and Yankee Doodle.  Its tinkling, however, was ultimately
drowned by a more powerful musician on the driver's seat.
This was an extra driver, so wrought up by the pedlar's box,
that his feelings could be no longer controlled, but suddenly exploded with the most startling effect in the following exquisite
lyric or ballad.  Perhaps the words were not extempore; yet
from the variations of the wondrous hum-drum  fitted to them,




THE  NEW   PURCHASE.                                21and  the  prolongation and  shortening of notes, and  a peculiar
slurry way to bring in several syllables to  one note, it may be
supposed our songster chose not to halt or stump from any defect of memory.
" Come all ye young people, I'm going for to sing,
Consarnin Molly Edwards, and her lovyer Peter King
How this young woman did break her lovyer's heart,
And when he went and hung hisself how hern did in her smart.
"This Molly Edwards she did keep the turnpike gate,
And travilyers allowed her the most puttiest in our state,
But Peter for a livin he did foller the drovyer's life,
And Moliy she did promise him she'd go and be his wife.
"So Peter he to Molly goes as he cums through the gate,
And says, says he, oh! Molly, why do you make me wait,
I'm done a drovin hossis and come a courtin you,
Why do you sarve me so, as I'm your lovyer true?
"Then Molly she toss'd up her nose and tuk the drovyer's toll,
But Pete he goes and hangs hisself that night unto a pole,
And Molly said, says she, I wish I'd been his wife,
And Pete he comes and hanted her the rest of all her life."
The performance, rapturously encored ex animo by the drivers
and some cognate spirits within, but mischievously, it is to be
feared, by Mr. Carlton, Colonel Wilrnar and the gentlemen of
the party, was handsomely repeated, and then succeeded by other
poems and tunes equally affecting, but which we shall not record.
So passed  that memorable  night, till at long, very long last
we reached  the  suburbs of Harrisburg.   Here, whether the
horses smelled oats, or the road was better, or the driver would
eradicate  doubts about his team, expressed  by us every  half
mile lately, here we commenced going not like thunder but certainly in thunder and earthquake, till in a few  moments the carriage stopped  at the hotel.   And this was where the stage was
to sleep-but, alas! it lacked only one hour of the time when
we must proceed on our journey anew!  The vehicle, however,
disgorged  its cramming over the pavement; and then, how  all
the people, with countless bags, boxes, cloaks, sticks, umbrellas,




22               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
baskets, bandboxes, hatboxes, valises, etc., etc., had been or
could be again stowed in that humming-bird's nest of a stage,
seemed to require a nice geometrical calculation.  Pack the inhabitants of our globe stage-fashion by means of dishonest
agents and greedy owners, and be assured, a less number of
acres would serve for our accommodation than is generally supposed.
It was arranged now that our two ladies should share one
bed at twenty-five cents, and take each twelve and a half cents'
worth of sleep in an hour, the gentlemen to snooze gratuitously
on the settees in the bar-room; and it is wonderful how much
sleep can be accomplished in a short time if it be done by the
job! Oh! it seemed cruelty to summon us from that deep repose to renew the journey; yet, as all our innumerable way
passengers but one had swarmed off, we had more room, and
so were able to nurse the ladies. during the day into some
uneasy slumbers and to sleep off hand ourselves, or in other
words, without a rest.
"Pshaw!"
Pshaw?!
" Yes-sir-Pshaw."
CHAPTER V.
"'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view."
WE  left Chambersburg, ourselves sole occupants of the
stage; and by a rare chance we remained sole occupants during
the remainder of our journey.  And " though we say it that
hadn't oughter," never was a more agreeable party in all respects than ours-the present company, viz., the reader and the
author, excepted. Among other excellencies, none of the party
chewed tobacco, smoked tobacco, spit tobacco, drank alcoholic
liquors, or used profane language-evils that may be separated,
but which are often united. Of course no one took snuff, all




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    23
being then greatly too young for powdered tobacco: that very
appropriately belongs to "the sere and yellow leaf" time.
Not long after sun-rise we were at the ascent of the grand
mountain-a frowning rampart, by its rocky wall shutting from
the east that world beyond! From the base to the apex the
road here ascends about four miles; whichascent the gentlemen
resolved to walk up:-a feat usually achieved at the first mountain, especially if the first one was ever seen. To be sure people afterwards will walk when politely requested by a good
natured driver, out of pity to the poor brute horses: butshame on his poetry and romance-Mr. Carlton having in
subsequent years passed and repassed the mountains twentyfour times, used to remain in the stage and sleep up the ascents!
Yet not unfrequently would he be musing on the past, and recalling with smiles and tears, that delightful party and that delightful walk on that sweet morning, and all the glorious visions
and castle buildings of that entrancing day!-gone, gone, "like
the baseless fabric of a dream!'
The time of the present journey was late in April, the nights
being often very cold, but the days only moderately coo], and
sometimes even warm.  Snow lay in spots near the summit of
the mountains; although in places lying towards the south and
east vegetation was in rapid progress: so that nothing could be
more in unison with our feelings than the renovated world amid
the Alleghanies. Hope was springing so fresh and green from
the decaying hope of boyhood! and nature so budding forth
from the deadness of winter! But sad! sad! if buds and flowers burst forth, they die again and soon! And renovated hope
is renewed only for blighting.
We stood now on the pinnacle of the great Cove mountain
and were gazing on the mingled grandeur and beauty of the
scene.  Few are unmoved by the view from  that top; as for
myself I was  -! Was I not on the dividing ridge between two worlds-the worn and faded East, the new and
magic West?  And yet I felt, and painfully felt, that we were
bidding adieu to home and entering on the untried: still, hope
was superior to fear, and I was eager to pass those other peaks




24               THE  NEW' PURCHASE.
-some near as if they might be touched, and glorious with the
new sunbeams, and some sinking down away off till the dim
outline of the farthest visible tops melted into hazy distance!
Years after I stood on that pinnacle alone and the two worlds
were seen again-but no hopes swelled then into visions of
glory, at sight of the dim peaks; no consolations awaited me
in my native valleys of the East! Death had made East and
West alike-a wilderness! Poor Clarence! did he ever stand
again, where I noticed him standing that morning 3 How buoyant his heart! and so melting with tender thoughts, so raptured
with imaginings! Could it be — after years of separation-is
he now hastening to one dearer to him than the whole world
beside! Will they know one another?  Both have changed
from  childhood to maturity-but why so speak?  Our lovers
ever thought each the other unchanged in size, in look, in voice;
and when they did meet at last, they shed tears; for while both
were in all respects improved, both were altered, and they were
no more to love as boy and girl, but as man and woman!
Clarence saw no dark spectres in the bright visions of that morning!                -                        *-  -XUpon Smith, long ago the scenes of that other life opened;
and doubtless they were of an undying glory, forBut here comes the stage to hurry us onward; and so the
bustle of life interrupts serious meditations with the whirl of
cares and enterprises.
We were all once more seated in the vehicle, which instantly
darted upon the descent with a velocity alarming, and yet exhilarating to persons unused to the style of a mountain driver.
The danger is with due care less, indeed, than the appearance;
although the sight of places where wagons and stages are said
to have tumbled gigantic somersets over miniature precipices,
will force one involuntarily to say in a supplicatory tone to
Jehu,-" Take care, driver, here's where that stage went over,
and poor Mr. Bounce was killed!"  To which caution Jehu replies —" Oh! no danger-besides he wan't killed-he only
smashed his ribs'gin that rock there, and got his arm broke:"
and then to quiet our fears, he sends forth his endless lash to




THE  NEW PURCHASE.                     25
play a curve or two around the ears of the prancing leaders,
and with a pistol-like crack that kindles the fire of the team to
fury; and away they all bound making the log crowning the
rampart of wall tremble and start from its place as the wheels
spin round within eight inches of the dreaded brink!
Thundering down thus, our stage dashed up the small stones
as if they leaped from a volcano, and awaked the echoes of the
grim rocks and the woody caverns: while ill-stifled "Oh! my's!"
and a tendency of the ladies to counteract, by opposite motions,
the natural bias of the stage body for the sideway declivity, were
consoled with the usual asseverations-" O don't be afraid-no
danger!" But when the horses, on approaching a sudden turn
of the road, seemed, in order to secure a good offing, to shy off
towards the deep valley, and nothing could be seen over the tips
of their erect and quivering ears, save blue-sky, and points of
tall trees, then the ladies, spite of rebukes and consolationsand one at least of the gentlemen-would stand tip-toeish, labouring, indeed, to keep a kind of smile on the lips, but with an
irrepressible "good gracious-me!" look out of the eyes.
And-But oh! what a beautiful village below us!  How neat
and regular the houses! See! there's one spun and wovenlike a Dutch woman's petticoat! "Petticoat!! Mr. Carlton?"
Yes, petticoat is the word-only the stripes of the petticoat do
not run horizontally, and those of the house do. I declare if
there are not brick houses! and stone ones!-and how the
smoke curls up to us-we can smell breakfast! What noiseless streets! what green meadows! Did you ever see anything
so picture-like-so like patchwork? It would be so pleasant to
live in that nice, quiet, snug, picturesque village! " Mr. Smith,
what place is it?"  Mr. Smith smiling, replied-" McConnel'stown." McConnel's town! oh! what a beauty-there it is hidno-there-look through there-where?-there-no,'tis gone!
We soon had reached the valley three miles below the point
of descent; and, as Jehu said it was done at the rate of twelve
miles to the hour, the reader being skilled in the modern knowledges, can calculate our time for himself.  "There is the town,"
2




26                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
said Mr. Smith.  Yes! there it was sure enough, as it had never
budged since we had first spied it; but" Quantum ramtatus ab illo!"
" What a fall was there, my countrymen!"
Is that jumble of curious frame, brick, log, and stone habitations our picture town 2  Ay! truly, there is the petticoathouse, with a petticoat as a curtain before the door, and an old
hat or so in the glassless sash, and fire light gleaming between
the logs.  There! the door opens to see us pass-just see the
children!- one, two, three-nine at least, and one in very deed
at the breast!-but how dirty and uncombecl!  Did you ever
see such a set as the scamps lounging'about that tavern? —and
one reeling off drunk, the morning so fresh! See! that duck
puddle and swine wallow full of vile looking mud and watercertainly it must be sickly here. " Driver, what noise is that2"
Dogs fighting."   " Dreadful! —Mrn  Smith what are  you
laughing at?"  "Oh, nothing-only I should not like to live
here as well as some ladies and gentlemen."  And yet, reader,
while a near view had dispelled the illusion of a distant prospect, good and excellent, and even very learned and talented
people lived there, and yet live in McConnel'stown.
At all events we shall have a good breakfast at this fine
looking stage house.  But whether we had arrived too soon,
or the folks usually began preparation after counting the number of mouths, or the wood was green, or we most vulgarly
hungry and sharp set, very long was it, very long indeed, before
we were sulmmoned.  And then the breakfast! Perhaps it was
all accidental, but the coffee (?) was a libel on diluted soot, made
by nurses to cure a baby's colic: the tea (?)-for we had representatives of both beverages-the tea was a perfect imitation
of a decoction of clover hay, with which in boyhood we nursed
the tender little calves, prematurely abstracted from the dams,
the silly innocents believing all the while that the finger in the
mouth was a teat!   Eggs, too!-it may have been unlike
Chesterfield-but it certainly was not without hazard to put
them in the mouth before putting them  to the nose:-the oval




THE  NEW   PURCHASE.                      27
delicacies mostly remained this morning to feast such as prefer
eggs ripe.  Ay! but look, here comes a monster of a sausage
coiled up like a great greasy eel! Such often in spite of being
over-grown or over-stuffed are palatable: this rascal, however,
had rebelled against the cook, and salamander-like, had passed
the fiery ordeal unscorched.  Hot rolls came, a novelty then,
but much like biscuits in parts of the Far West, viz., a composition of oak bark on the outside, and hot putty within-the
true article for invalids and dyspeptics.  We had also bread
and butter, and. cold cabbage, and potatoes, like oysters, some
fried and some in the shell; and green pickles so bountifully
supplied with salt as to have refused vinegar-and beets-and
saltsellers in the shape of glass hats-and a mustard pot like a
salve-box, with a bone spoon glued in by a potent cement of a
red-brown-yellow colour-and a light green bottle of vinegar
dammed up by a strong twisted wadding of brown paper.
Reader, what more could we wish?
"Nothing."
Let us go then to a new chapter.
CHAPTER VI.
"Fee! faw I fam! I smell the blood of an Englishman!"
"Is that a dagger that I see before me?"
IN ancient Greek style, we have shown specimen bricks, in
giving bits of roads, drivers, and so forth, to stand for wholes:
but fearing the impatience of our numerous (?) readers uneasy
to go-a-head in this steam  age, we cannot venture to tell how,
once upon a time, Colonel Wilmar came very near shooting a
man "just at that very turn of the road before us!"-nor how
Mr. Smith related how once upon another time, he was saved
from  being murdered in his room  away off in Tennessee, by
"dashing  his dirk  through the robber's hand  and  pinning
him  to the door-cheek" as he tried to force his way into the




28               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
chamber-nor how Mr. Clarence related his escape from two
slave dealers, that he thought wanted his money and meant to
commit him, with a stone around his person, to the river-and
overheard them talk about "cutting the fellow's throat " -
"All right, Mr. Carlton-we'll skip them, with your permission."
Well! —we can work these morceaux up in other hashes.
But the interruption of the reader was so like Mr. Brown's
interruption of Mr. Clarence, when he was saying to Miss
Wilmar as follows:
"This, Miss Wilmar, is, I confess, not a very tragic conclusion: but I prefer being here to tell the story for my
self, to having Carlton tell it in some book as it might have
been"" How was that, Mr. Clarence?" inquired Miss Wilmar.
But before Clarence could reply, Mr. Brown hurriedly exclaimed
"Look there! Look!-there!-there!"
All eyes were instantly turned; and below in the meadows
of the Juniata, was a hunted deer bounding away for life!
The timid creature ere long leaped into the water, swam some
hundred feet down the stream, and emerging speeded away to
the mountain.  No pursuers were in sight, and from appearances the poor creature escaped for that time: it certainly had
our wishes in its favour.  This incident naturally introduced
stories about hunting and Indians, with numberless episodial remarks on dogs, rifles, shot guns, tomahawks and the like; so
that when the shadows of the mountain began, at the decline of
day, to darken the valleys, and silence and thoughtfulness pervaded the party, fancy easily brought back the red-man to his
ancient haunts and made robbers crouch in ambush in every
thicket and behind every tree.  Yet we reached our lodging
place in safety, where, late at night, we severally retired to
bed; and then, if the day had brought Mr. Carlton and his
amiable wife no danger, they were destined to find a somewhat
curious adventure at night.  And this we shall contribute to the
chapter as our share of its accidents.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   29
Our sleeping room was on the first floor, and opened by
three windows into a piazza; which circumstances, together
with the stories just narrated to the reader and other matters
of the sort, inclined us to examine the fastenings before going
to bed. The bolts were faultless, but the shutters or slappers
were so warped and swollen that no efforts could induce them
to come together and be bolted; hence, our only course was to
jump into bed, and if any thing happened, to do like childrenput our heads under the covers.  In about an hour I was
cautiously awakened by Mrs. Carlton, who whispered in a low
and agitated voice:"Oh! my dear!-what's that — listen!"
Instead of pulling up the bed-clothes, I sat up to listen; and
strange-a solemn and peculiar and thrilling note was filling
the room, swelling and dying away, and changing now to one
spot and then to another! What could it be? The sound resembled nothing I had ever heard except once, and that was in
a theatrical scene, in which a huge iron wheel turned at the
touch of a magician and slowly raised the heavy trap door of
an enchanted cavern. I sprang out of bed and began a searchyet all in vain-I felt along the walls, crawled under the bed,
poked my head up the chimney, and even ventured into the
closets-and all the while that mysterious noise playing as
wild and frightful as ever! At last I pushed open the shutters
and looked into the piazza; still nothing was visible either
there or within the room, while the strange tones swelled louder
than ever!
Puzzled, but less alarmed, we at last retreated to bed-I say
we, for Mrs. C. had been trotting after me during the whole
search, being too cowardly to stay in bed alone even with the
covers over her head,-we retreated to bed, and after a while
I, at least, fell asleep; but soon I was suddenly and violently
awakened by my good lady, who in attempting to leap away
from something on her side, had in extra activity accomplished
too much, and landed clear over me and out of bed entirely on
the floor!
" Why, Eliza!-Eliza! —what?-what is the matter?!"




30               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"Oh! Robert!-listen!" said my wife; in bed again, however, and be assured, on the safe side.
A basin of water we knew stood near Mrs. Carlton's side of
the bed, and on a small table:-and now into that basin, drop
by drop, something was trickling!  Could it be blood from
some crack in the floor over us! With Mrs. C. clinging to me,
I went to the table, and seizing the basin, carried it hastily to
a window, and pushing open its shutter, we plainly perceived
by the dim light that blood it really was-not.
Well, what was it, then 2"
Reader, it was a little mouse dead enough now, but which,
having by accident tumbled into the water, had, by its struggles for life, caused what to us then seemed like the trickling
down of some liquid or fluid substance.
Day now dawning, and Mrs. C. being willing to stay alone,
I went into the yard to discover the cause of the mysterious
music, satisfied that it lay there somewhere; and no sooner did
I reach the corner of the house than I was fortunate enough to
catch the very ghost in the act of performing on the extraordinary instrument that had puzzled us with its strange noise.
Against the house had been nailed part of an iron hoop to support a wooden spout; but the spout had rotted away and fallen
down, and the projecting hoop was alone. This iron had on it
some saline substance pleasant to the taste of a quiet old cow;
and there stood the matron-like quadruped licking away with
very correct time at the hoop, and whenever her tongue finished
a stroke, and according to its intensity, the instrument vibrated,
and thus discoursed the wondrous music of the enchanter's
wheel and trap! Indeed, I even tried the performance myself
-not with my tongue-and succeeded, my wife says, and she
is a judge of music, succeeded as well as the cow herself. And
so, dear reader, if this is not a "cock and bull story"-it most
certainly is-a mouse and a cow one.
Adventures, like misfortunes, are sometimes in clusters.
The next morning after the descent from some mountain, as
our stage was entering a small village, we were met by a noblelooking young man, mounted on a spirited horse, scarcely bro



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      31
ken, and certainly not "bridle-wise"-and met exactly on the
middle of a bridge.  This bridge crossed a stream  not ordinarily wide or deep, but swollen by melting snows it was now
foaming and thundering along almost a river: it was truly
formidable.
The horse, as we met, stopped, and with ears erect and
pointed, with nostrils dilated, and eyes fierce and staring, he
answered every effort to urge him forward with trembling only
and fitful starting; while the horseman himself sat indifferent
to consequences, and with ease and grace.  The man and horse
were one.  At length the rider, unable to compel the creature
to pass us, attempted to wheel-when, instead of obeying the
bridle, the spirited animal reared, and at one superb bound.
cleared the barrier of the bridge, and both rider and horse in
an instant disappeared under the foaming waters.  But scarcely
had fright among us uttered its exclamations, when up rose that
horse, and up rose, too, seated on his back, that rider! —ayseated as though he had never moved and the whole performance had been done expressly for exhibition  In a few moments the horseman landed below the bridge, then galloping
across the meadow he passed the fence at a flying leap, and
advancing to the stage now beyond the bridge, this matchless
rider, taking off his hat and bowing to the party, asked, as if the
affair had not been purely accidental:
" Gentlemen! which of you can do that!"
We most heartily congratulated him on his miraculous preservation, and, as he rode gallantly off, gave him  three loud
cheers for his unsurpassed coolness and intrepidity.
Reader! it is yet a long way to Pittsburg, and I cannot get
you properly there without telling my own robber story-a
pet adventure;-or without we skip-but I should like to tell
the story"Well, Mr. Carlton, we should very much like to hear the
story-but, perhaps, just now we had better-skip."
Skip it is, then, and all the way to-PITTSBURG.




32                THE  NEW   PURCHASE.
CHAPTER VII.
*    * alii ventosis follibus auras.
" Accipiunt redduntque: alii stridentio tingunt
Aera lacu: gemit impositis incudibus antrum.
Illi inter sese multa vi brachia tollunt
In numerum, versantque tenaci forcipe massam."
AND be assured, reader, it is not "all smoke" you now
see-there is some fire here too. This black place reminds us
of the iron age-of Jupiter too, and Vulcan and Mount -Etna.
Virgil would here have found Cyclops and pounders of red-hot
thunderbolts sonorous enough to set at work in his musical
hexameters. And some here make tubes of iron, with alternate
and spiral "lands and furrows," better by far to shoot than
Milton's grand and unpatent blunderbusses; into which his
heroic devils put unscientifically more powder than probably
all burned. But that was before the Lyceum age.
Whenever that soot-cloud is driven before a wind, long
streets are revealed lined with well-built and commodious
dwellings, with here and there a stately mansion, or dusky
palace belonging to some lord of coal-pits and ore-beds.
Hark! how enterprise and industry are raging away!-while
steam and water-power shake the hills to their very foundation!
-and every spot is in a ferment with innumerable workmen
as busy, and as dingy too, as the pragmatical insects in Virgil's
poetic ant-hill! Every breeze is redolent with nameless odours
of factories and work-shops; and the ear is stunned by the
ceaseless uproar from clatter and clang of cog and wheel-the
harsh grating of countless rasps and files-the ringing of a
thousand anvils-the spiteful clickings of enormous shears
biting rods of iron into nails-the sissing of hot tongs in water
-and the deep earthquaking bass of forge-hammers teaching
rude masses how to assume the first forms of organic and civilized metal!




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     33
Mr. Brown said he was not yet fully awake, but that he was
in a dream amid scenes at Birmingham and Sheffield; and that
instead of astonishing the natives, the natives had surprised and
astonished him!
Why do some speak disparagingly of Pittsburg complexion!
Is it ordinarily seen? The citizens move enveloped in cloudlike AEneas entering Carthage-and hence are known rather by
the voice than the face. Their voice is immutable, but their
face changes hourly: hence if, people here are loud talkers, it
arises from the fact just alluded to, and because loud talking is
necessary to cry down the din of a myriad mingled noises.
In very civilized districts, ladies owe their sweet looks to
what is put on their faces; in this Cyclopean city, sweet looks
are owing to what is taken of their faces.  Instead, therefore,
of advising bachelors before popping the question, to catch the
inamorata "in the suds," we advise to catch her in the soot.
If beautiful, then let Ccelebs bless himself; for he has a gem
which water, unlike its baleful effect on some faces, will only
wash brighter and brighter.
As to hearts and manners, if our Mr. Smith be a correct
specimen, go reader, live in Pittsburg.  He was a Christian
gentleman: and in those two words is condensed all praise.
When, as was necessary, our party proceeded on the voyage
without this friend, so great was the vacancy, we seemed alone-Alas! he is no more!
CHAPTER VIII.
THE  VOYAGE.
" facilis descensus Averni, sed revocare gradum~ "' Easy is it to float down the Ohio-try to float up once 1"
AT the time of the voyage, a steamboat was a very rara avis
on the Ohio river.  The usual mode then of going down-getting up again was quite another affair-was in arks, broad2*




34                THE NEW  PURCHASE.
horns, keel-boats, batteaux, canoes and rafts.  Colonel Wilnar,
who krew the way of doing business in these great waters, decided in favour of the ark; and into the ark, therefore, we
went: viz., Colonel Wilhnar and his cousin, Mr. Clarence and Mr.
Brown, and Mr. and Mrs. Carlton, and also the two ownerseight souls.  Noah's stock of live animals went in to be ed, ours
went in to be eaten; while we had also snmoked hams; so that
the likeness between us and that remarkable navigator failed
after the number of the sailors was compared.
Our captain and mate being gone after their own stores, let
us meanwhile examine the mechanique of our ark. And first,
its founcdation-for the structure is rather a house than a boat,
-its foundation.  This is rectangular and formed of timbers
each fifteen cubits long, tied by others each eight cubits long;
the timbers being from three to four hands-breadths thick.  The
side beams are united by sleepers, on which is a floor pinned
down, and as tight as possible, so that when swollen by the
water, water itself could not get in-except at the cracks, and
then it could not be got out without the aid of science.  Above
the first flooring, at an interval of a foot, was laid on other joist
-(jice)-a second floor.  Hence by virtue of a primitive pump
peculiar to the raft and ark era, our " holdl"and it held water
to admiration-could, when necessary, be freed.
Scantling of uncertain and unequal lengths rose almost perpendicular around the rectangle, being morticed into the foundation; and so when, from without, planks were pinned as high
as necessary against these uprights, the ark had nearly all its
shape, and all its room.
This room or space was portioned into cabin and kitchen; the
latter intended by the architect to take the lead in the actual
navigation, but which in a struggle for preeminence would
often technically slue round, and yield that honour to the cabin.
Next the kitchen.  In one part was a hearth of brick and
sand, and furnished with three iron bars that straddled lowerwise
to the edges of the hearth, but united upperwise over its centre
or-thereabouts.  And this contrivance was to sustain in their
turn our-hem!-" culinary utensils?-ay-yes-culinary uten



THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     35
sils.  Forwards were the fin-holes, and behind these and projecting towards the cabin, were boxes and berths for the captain
and mate.  The fins-improperly by some called  hornswere rude oars, which passing out of the opposite fin-holes just
named, used, when moved, to flap and splash each side of the
kitchen; and by these the ark was steered, kept kitchen end
foremost, brought to land, and kept out of harm's way-the last
requiring pretty desperate pulling, unless we began half an hour
before encountering an impediment, or escaping a raft.  The
fins would, indeed, sometimes play in a heavy sort of frolic to
get us along faster; but usually they were idle, and we were
left to float with the stream from three to four miles in an hour.
The cabin, like other aristocrats, had the large space, was
planked two cubits higher that the other places, and covered
with an arched roof of thin boards to ward off direct sun, and
perpendicular rain.  Against sun and rain oblique, it was no
barrier.  The cabin was also subdivided into parlour and state
room.  The latter was for the ladies' sole use, being sumptuously
furnished with a double box or berth, a toilette made of an upturned flour barrel, and similar elegancies and conveniences,
and a window looking up-stream; which window was a cubit
square, and had a flapper or slapper hung with leathern hinges
and fastened with a pin or wooden bolt. The parlour contained
the male boxes or sleeperies; and was the place where we all
boardecl —but here comes the captain and his mate, and we shall
be off in what they call a jiffey.  Among other articles, these
persons had brought a coffee-mill, a saw, about half a bushel of
sausages, and above all, a five gallon keg, which the captain
himself hugged up under his arm next the heart.  What was in
it I do not exactly know-it could not have been water, not having a watery smell, and beside we all drank river water.
Reader! all is ready!  Oh! how soft the blossom-scented
balmy air is breathing  See! the sun light dancing from  one
sparkling ripple to another! A most delicious April morning
is inviting us with the blandest smiles to come and float on the
beauteous river far, far away to the boundless prairies and the
endless forests of the New World! Yes! yes I here is a vision!




36               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
-and in the midst of fragrance, and flowers, and sunshine, and
with those we love for comrades, and those we love awaiting us,
we are entering the land, the glorious land of sunsets! Ah!
Clarence-I wonder not at that tear" Bill! slue round your'are side there and we're off," interrupted the captain, addressing his mate. Bill, of course, performed that curious manceuvre with great nautical skill, and off
we were: first one end struggling for.the precedence and then
the other, with alternate fins dipping and splashing, till the ark
reached the confluence of the Alleghany and Monongahela; and
then one grand circular movement accomplished, that forced the
lordly cabin to the rear, away, away we floated, kitchen in the
van! down on the current of the noble, beauteous, glorious
Ohio!
*      *        *       *       *       *      *
Farewell! Pittsburg, last city of the east! Long may the
din and the smoke of thy honest enterprise be heard and seen
by the voyager away down the flood! Farewell! —the earthborn clouds are veiling thee even now! There! I see thee
again!-Oh! the flash of that tall spire sending back the sunbeam, like gleams of lightning from a thunder cloud;-it gleams
again-we change our course-and all is dark!-Pittsburg!
Farewell!
"Ladies and gentlemen" said the Colonel, after we were fairly
under weigh, "suppose we proceed to arrange our domestic
establishment, each agreeing to perform his part either assumed
by himself, or imposed on him by vote-he, his, him were used
in the sense of homo-and were so understood by the ladies
although unacquainted with Latin and Lectures-and so suppose we have a regular assembly-"
" I move Colonel Wilmar take the chair,"-said Mr. Brown.
And this being seconded by Mrs. Carlton, the Colonel took the
chair the best way he could; and that was only metaphorically
by moving off a little from the members and leaning against a
berth. Miss Wilmar was next elected Secretary, and accommodated with a trunk for a seat, and using her lap as a table,




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     37
she prepared to record in her pocket book the resolutions of the
household house.
Mr. Brown then was nominated as cook; but as he insisted
that he could cook " niver a bit of a male but only roast potatoes," and we had unluckily no potatoes stored, the important
office was after due deliberation bestowed on the chairman himself. This was, indeed, very humbly declined by the Colonel,
who left the chair-calling thither for the time Mr. Clarence-to
exhibit in a very handsome speech his unworthiness; yet it was
at last unanimously decided in his favour, and mainly on the
argument of Mr. Carlton, that the Colonel had doubtless learned
cooking in his campaigns and when hunting.  From  some inaccuracy in wording the resolutions, however, the business after
all only amounted to the cook's having to carry the victuals to
and from the kitchen-lift the culinary articles about-and poke
the fire at the order of the ladies.
Next came a resolution that the ladies should prepare the
cookables-i. e., stuff the chickens with filling-beat eggs for
puddings, and the like.  Then it was ordered that Clarence,
Brown, and Carlton, should in turn set the table-clean platesor in a word-be scullions. The dignity of history forbids me
to conceal, that spite of all our scouring, and wiping and washing, the cleaned articles retained an unctuous touch, and looked
so streaked, that at meals the ladies deemed a polish extra necessary. But non possumus omnia, you know, reader-i. e., we cannot all clean dishes, as the Latins say.
There were also other resolutions, such as, that the gentlemen
rise betimes and make their beds before the appearance of the
ladies; that two by two they should take the skiff and go to
market, along shore, after milk, butter, cheese, eggs, chickens,
ducks, venison hams cured, and fresh venison. The stores laid
in at Pittsburg were smoked meats, sausages, flour, corn-meal,
tea, coffee, sugar, salt, spices, sweatmeats, some fruits, and many
other things unknown to Noah.  We had also our own plates,
knives, lead spoons, and a superb dutch-looking set of Pittsburg
Liverpool ware for tea and breakfast service.  For a "con,
sideration " the captain allowed us the use of his big pot, skillet,




38                 THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
and dutch oven.  We had our own coffee-pot and other tins.
From  our nicnacries we often supplied the captain's table
with a dessert; and finally, when, about six hundred miles down
the river, these extemporaneous sailors received 816 fo)r our
passage, they became heirs to all our unbroken croc(kery and
hardware, and to the remnant of our flour and smoked meats.
The goodies had disappeared two hundred miles higher.
After the adjournment of our assembly, we proceeded to arrange the cabin, spending the whole day in " fixing;" an Americanism  including unfixing, removing, and deranging, as well as
placing and rendering permanent.  But at ten o'clock, P. M., the
darkness rendered longer floating hazardous, and we accordingly
came, not to anchor, but to a tie; for, working the ark to the
nearest bank, we tied her to a tree,* and in the very way forinerly done by the pious zEneas and his wandering Trojans.
Yet we did not, as those heroes, sleep on the sand or the' grass,
but retired to our berths or boxes, setting a watch, however,
to guard against two dangers of diametrically opposite characters.  First, it was necessary to take care that the tie-rope
neither got loose nor broke, when we should float off into the
perils of a dark river-that is, find too much water; and,
secondly, we must watch the subsidence of the river, lest she
(the ark) be left grounded some two or three feet from  her
natural element-that is, lest we find too little water.
It is very delightful when travellers go to sleep confident of
being one hundred miles advanced by breakfast time; but not
so with the party-we went to bed of necessity and slept on
system.  True-we awoke, and got up, and ate breakfast and
dinner, and even tea and supper, and played away the intervals
at checkers with white and red corns, and then tried push-pin
and tee-totum-and we tried to read, and wished for fishinglines and guns-and we walked up the bank and then walked
down again, whistling most devoutly, not for wind, but against
it: but alas! the wind would not be whistled against,-it continued to blow all day long dead ahead up stream, as if it had
*Tho ark contains and sometimes breeds.




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     39
never heard us.  And there we were all day, all the evening,
and part of the night in the self-same spot where we, came to a
tie at ten o'clock, p. L., the night before! And that was deservedly called a " pretty considerable of a fix."
One day, when thus wind-bound about two hundred miles below the first fix, all the common expedients of beguilement being
tried and exhausted, Colonel Wilmar proposed marbles-of
which he had made a large purchase for his little sons. And at
it we went with the zest of boyhood.  Happy day! how the
blue-coloured gentry, that haunt the inactive, took wing at the
sound of our merry and innocent shouts and laughter! No
human habitation was in sight; and forests, that told their age
by centuries, stretched their giant-arms over our ring; and from
their venerable depths Echo, for the first time since the creation, cried out in amazement, the words of our game-to her
more incomprehensible than the heathenish terms of the native
Indians! Oh! how she reiterated " man-lay! clearings!'fen! —knuckle down!-toy bone!-go to baste! (?)-fat!histings!-comins about!-hit black alley!-knock his knicker!
-'tan't fair! —you  cheat!-my' first!" —cum  multis aliis!
These terms are spelled according to nature.  Indeed, my soul
becomes indignant when I find printed, instead of that spiritstirring, frank-hearted " Hurraw!" that pitiful, sneaking, soulless, civilized, "Huzza!"  Dare any man say that sounds like
the thing?  No more than it looks like it.  Freemen! let
nice, pretty, mincing, dandies huzza by note-do you ever cry
out IHurra aw!
But at length we waked something more substantial than that
bodiless noun-Echo; for lo! on a sudden came answers, near
and distinct, if not very melodious, and from  the top of the
identical bank beneath which we were playing! We looked
up and there stood two hunters, long silent spectators of the
strange game, but who having imbibed the fun of the thing,
were now laughing and roaring away as merry as our party!
After the wind had blown out, we untied ark, and floated
away till after midnight; when clouds so increased the darkness as to prevent our seeing snags, sawyers, and planters, and




40               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
also the ripples indicative of shallows, and we tied again. Perhaps it may be proper here to say a word relative to the abovenamed impediments in the Western waters.
A planter is the trunk of a tree, perpendicular or inclined,
with one end planted immoveable in the bottom of the river,
and the other above or below the surface, according to the state
of the water. A snag is a minature or youthful planter; or
sometimes it is made by an upright branch of a large tree imbedded horizontally in the bottom. A sawyer is either a long
trunk, or more commonly an entire tree, so fixed that its top
plays up and down with the current and the wind, and is therefore periodically perilous to the navigator. Ripples are often
indices of an ascending sawyer; and also of shoals, as one approaches islands wholly or partially submerged.  Large and
heavy rafts frequently go against and over most of the smaller
obstacles with impunity; but arks like ours would have been
staved; so our night floating especially was never free from
jeopardy.
I shall not inflict our whole log-book on the reader and his
friends:-how often we tied and untied-went ashore after butter and eggs and the cum multis-nor how it was once my lot
to be with Mr. Brown in the skiff when he could not, owing to
his extreme longitude, trim boat, and how the vixen of a boat
threatened to upset, and I had to pull both oars till, weary and
long after dark, we overtook our ark, where fears began to be
entertained about us. No, no,-why should we trespass on
patience with the account of our cookery, our batter cakes,
eggs and ham, biscuit and loaf, johnny cakes, steaks, filled
chickens, plum puddings, and the curious dish of what-nots?
And yet it was really marvellous that our endless varieties
could all be turned out of four utensils, viz: a tea-kettle and a
dutch oven, and a big pot, and a little skillet. Mrs. Goodfellow did well enough with all her fixtures; but it was reserved
for our ladies to cook, what most cooks and confectioners know
nothing about-the multum in parvo. Let me, then, in place
of the whole log, introduce a new friend.
In the third day of the descent we began to overhaul an ark,




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     41
a size (?) less than ours; but this ark, instead of getting out of
the way, was evidently striving to get into it; and so, arrived
within speaking distance, we were hailed from the strange float
with a proposition to link arks. Longing for something new,
and apprised that combined arks floated better than single ones,
our assent was instantly given; and then our arks were soon
amicably united and floating side by side. And what would
you imagine the neighbour ark contained?  A solitary male
Yankee! and such a merry, facetious, fearless, handy,'cute
specimen of the genus I guess, was never encountered.
This wonderful biped had left the land of deacons, hard cider,
and other steady habits, in imitation of Jack in the good oldfashioned story-book-to seek his fortune; and now, after trying his luck in twenty different places, and in as many different
and even opposite ways, behold! here was Do-tell-l-want-to-know,
lord of a whole ark-a solitary Noah, floating to a new world
at the fat end of a flood, if not beyond one! He had cast off
at Pittsburg some hours before ourselves, and had sung, whistled, rowed and eaten his way alone, till we overtook him, when
he had hailed us in a very jocose and half-singing style, and then
brought up his ark with a laugh and a tune.  "He was tired,"
he said, " of his company, and had ought to get into better society,-and seeing we were in a tarnation tearing hurry, he had
ought to tow us down to what-d'-ye-call-the-place?-and as he
didn't intend taking advantage of our weakness, he wouldn't ask
anything for his help-except his boarding and a dollar a day."
What-say, however, was very far from vulgarity, and towards
ladies, very respectful; still, he was a choice specimen of the
universal nation, and Mr. Brown looked on him with astonishment for his peculiarities, but with respect for his independence
and enterprise.  Our hero's name was, oddly enough, Smith.
And as he was always called among us by his surname, I forget
whether he told that his Christian name was Thankful or Preserved-his cognomen, however, was destined to be a proper
noun, for our Yankee was, par excellence, the Smith.
Notwithstanding his demand for boarding, we could not induce him to eat with us, anxious as we were to pay, if not for




42                  THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
towing services, yet for fun.  True, he could apply " soft sawder" very judiciously, and indeed, even sometimes out-general
Mr. Brown: who, to tell the truth, could "do the nate thing
with the blarney" himself.  I shall make no attempt to record
their quirks, and quizzes, and repartees, and puns; good things
of the sort, like soda-water, should be taken at the fountain.
What became of the Smith when we parted at Limestone, I
never learned.  But never do I hear of a Smith preeminent in
handicraft, from  simple clock-making all the way up to patent
nutmeg-malling; or in the give-and-take line, from limited auctioneering to enlarged, and liberal, and locomotive peddling of
notions; or in modern literature, from magazine writing clean
up to magnetisms and lyceums, that Noah Smith of the little
ark comes not in remembrance.  Verily, if not really metamorphosed, as I sometimes guess, into Sam  Slick or Jonathan his
brother, he certainly is, if living-a very Slick Feller.
The twin arks, as our sailors became bolder and more skilful
or rash, were allowed at last, the wind permitting, to float all
night.  One night Smith, then our Palinurus, suddenly beat to
quarters, by drumming his heels against the partition and ringing his skillet with the only weapon he carried,-an oyster knife
worn usually in his bosom  like a dirk, and with its handle exposed.  At the same time, as accompaniment, he whistled
" Yankee doodle" in superb  style; and then  exchanged his
whistling to the singing of this extemporaneous lyric:
" Get up, good sirs, get up I say,
And rouse ye, all ye sleepers;
See! down upon us comes a thing
To make us use our peepers.
Yankee doodle, &c.
"Yet what it is, I cannot tellBut'tis as big as thunder;
Ah! if it hits our loving arks,
We'll soon be split asunder.
Yankee doodle," &c.
Roused we were, yet, misled by the manner of our pilot, not
as fast as the case demanded: for just then the ladies looking
from their little window up the river, cried out in great alarm,




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     43
"Colonel Wilmar!-Mr. Carlton!-make haste!-something is
coming.down like an island broke loose! —it is almost on us!"
Of course the fins were instantly manned, and flapped and
splashed with very commendable activity, and just in time to
escape the end of an immense raft now sweeping past and within
a very few inches of Smith's side; while four or five men on the
raft were labouring away at their sweeping oars, showing that
*our escape was due to their exertions, and not our own.  Smith,
however, who had, it seems, made his calculation, now leaped
upon the raft with a rope in his hand; and with the permission
of the men, and indeed with their assistance too, held on till he
gained the far end of the great float; when, our arks made fast
behind it, Le began to go a-head in earnest.
Safe now from all attacks in the rear-for nothing could outfloat us-and bidding defiance to planter, snag, and sawyer, we
boxed ourselves up for the remainder of the night and enjoyed
a profound sleep, awaking in due season to the full reality of
our improved condition.  And here, writing in the very noon of
gas and steam, I do deliberately say, after all iny experience
of cars and boats, that for a party of the proper sort nothing is
so delightful, so exhilarating, so truly bewitching to travel in, as
twin-arks towed along by an almost endless raft.  To say nothing of our state room for ladies, parlour for company, kitchen
-for cookery, and Smith's whole ark extra for dining and sitting
-there was our grand promenade deck on the raft-a deck,
full three hundred feet long and fifty broad! What cared we
for bursting boilers?-what for snag and sawyer? And if any
serious injury happened to one of the trio, or even two, the third
unharmed afforded retreat and shelter. In comfort, convenience
and freedom, two arks and a long raft carry away the palm.
Indeed, our flotilla was truly poetic and romantic. And never
before, certainly never since, was there or has there been such
a season. It was an old-fashioned April, and of the most delicious sort.  Spring her very self was-enticed by it from  her
southern retreats, and came to meet and conduct us to her
beauteous domains.  How bright and warm and soft the sunlight of that season! encouraging flower and leaf to unfold their




44               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
modest glories to the genial rays! Did a bank of clouds rest
on the horizon? That was no portent of storm: it was only
that a single cloud might be detached to sprinkle river and hill
with " the sunshiny shower that won't last an hour!" Oh, the
joy! then, to watch the contest between the rainbow-tinted
drops and misty sunshine-the contest for victory!  And how
the fish leaped out to catch a pure crystal drop before it fell and
mingled with the flood of turbid waters! And the birds!they plunged into the shower of liquid light, bathing their plumage of gold and scarlet and purple, till it seemed burnished
still brighter in such a bath!
But the sunsets, and the twilight! The witchery then entranced the very soul! All of poetry, and of sha  wy forms,
and of sinless elysium,-all of magic in musings ana dreamsall was embodied there!  The ethereal floated on the river's
bosom, while its now unruffled waters floated our rude vessels.
It dwelt in the dark mirror, where shadows of cliff and forest
pointed to a depth down, down away, far beyond the soundingline.  It was melting in the blazing river, whence farewell rays
were reflected as the sun hid behind some tall and precipitous
headland.  We heard the unearthly in the whispers of eddying
waters sporting around us; and in the sweet and thrilling
evening songs of happy birds! We saw it, till the soul was
phrenzied, as gliding past one island, another in front arose to
intercept, and we were seemingly shut within a fairy lake,
never to find an egress! And here when the breath of day
was done, and the songs of the birds hushed, and Wilmar or
Clarence was seated on the raft and with a flute-oh! the pure,
sweet, plaintive, joyous, wild, ravishing cries of the echoes!
If one would hear the " magic flute," it must be as then and
there.  The Muses haunted then the forest-clad banks and
cliffs; and startled and pleased with the melody of a strange
instrument, they caught its strains-and called to one another,
imitating its tones, till they died away in the distance. Years
after I passed up and down that same river in steamboats-but
in vain did I look for the visions and listen for the strains of
the by-gone-evenings. April had such showers no more! The




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   45
noisy and fierce and fiery spirit of the steamers had driven
away the gentle birds and heavenly echoes-and with an oppressed and melancholy heart I heard, returning from  the
banks, only the angry roar of deserted and sullen and indignant forests!
The seventh day was at its close, when we deemed ourselves
so near Limestone-the modern Maysville-that it was determined to send the colonel and the author in the skiff to that
place, in order to have arrangements made before the arrival
of the grand flotilla;-for there the raft was to be broken up
and scattered, and so was our party. Accordingly, before daybreak on the eighth morning, we set off with the skiff, agreeing
to row and steer alternately, each a mile, as near as could be
guessed at: and this agreeable alternation was called-sPELLING one another.  At the end of nine spells, we discovered on
a bank, just about " sunup," a full-grown male Buckeye, a little
in advance of his cabin, watching our progress, and we hailed:
"Hallow!-how far to Limestone?"
"Ten miles."
Ten miles!-we had thought it now about a mile-so the
recitation in rowing was not ended; and we went to spelling it
ten times more. We were, of course, perfect by the time we did
reach Limestone; at all events, I was so pleased with my improvement, that from that moment I have never touched an oar.
In about an hour after the colonel and Mr. Carlton arrived
at port, the raft, its caboose in the centre, and our arks in its
rear, hove in sight; and we hurried to the landing with separate conveyances hired for our separate journeys-alas!
Reader! which way will you go? With the gallant colonel
and the lovely Miss Wilmar, and the faithful Mr. Clarence to
Lexington  or will you stay with Mr. Brown and Mr. Smith at
Limestone? or will you not accompany Mr. and Mrs. Carlton
to the New Purchase? Perhaps you prefer to shake hands
with all:-we, however, of the party, found that no easy task.




46                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Ianyy were our pretexts for lingering —till at last all pretences
exhausted-with emotion, ay, with tears that would come,
hands were grasped-good wishes exchanged-and we uttered,
with tremulous voices, Farewell!
CHAPTER IX.
THE SEARCHING.
"In medias res    "
"Floundering into mud holes"WHO could have dreamed, my dear," said Mrs. C. to her
husband, "these forests so picturesque when seen from  the
Ohio, concealed such roads 2"
Mr. C. made no reply; although the phenomenon was certainly very remarkable.  In fact, his idea about the Muses was
passing in review-and he thought, maybe after all, it was
something else that had echoed the flute notes. The lady's
query, however, and the gentleman's silence occurred about
thirty miles due north of the Ohio river, in a very new State
of the far west. They were seated in a two-horse Yankee cart
-a kind of mongrel dearborne-amid what was now called
their "plunder "-with a hired driver on the front seat, and
intending to find, if possible, a certain spot in a very uncertain
part of the New Purchase-about one hundred and twenty
miles in the interior, and beyond Shining river.  This was the
second day in the elementary lessons of forest trgvelling; in
which, however, they had been sufficiently fortunate as to get a
taste of "' buttermilk land,"-" spouty land,"-" mash land""rooty and snaggy land"-of mud holes, ordinary and extraordinary-of quick sands-and " corduroys" woven single and
double twill-and even fords with and without bottom.
The autumn is decidedly preferable for travelling on the
virgin soil of native forests. One may go then mostly by land




THE. NEW  PURCHASE.                    47
and find the roads fewer and shorter; but in the early spring,
branches-small creeks —are brim full, and they hold a great
deal; concealed fountains bubble up in a thousand places where
none were supposed to lurk; creeks turn to rivers, and rivers
to lakes, and lakes to bigger ones; and as if this was too little
water, out come the mole rivers that have burrowed under the
earth, and which, when so unexpectedly found, are styled out
there —" lost rivers!"  And every district of a dozen miles
square has a lost river. Travelling by land becomes of course
travelling by water, or by both mixed: viz., mud and water.
Nor is it possible, if one would avoid drowning or suffocation,
to keep the law and follow theblazed road; but he tacks first to
the right and then to the left, often making both losing tacks;
and all this, not to find a road but a place where there is no
road-mud thick enough t' bear, or that has at least some
bottom.
Genuine Hoosiers, Corn-crackers, et id omne genus, viz., all that
sort of geniuses-lose comparatively little time in this species
of navigation; for such know instinctively where it is proper
to quit the submerged road of the legislature.  And so we, at
last, in utter despair of finding a, royal road to the New Purchase, did enter souse into the most ill-looking, dark-coloured
morasses, enlivened by steams of purer mud crossing at right
angles, and usually much deeper than we cared to discover.
The first night we had stayed at a. " public;" yet, while the
tavern was of brick, candour forces me to record that affairs so
much resembled the hardware and crockery in their streaked and
greasy state after Messrs. Brown & Co. had cleaned them, that
we were rejoiced-prematurely however-when morning allowed us, half-refreshed, to resume our land tacking. But more
than once afterwards did we sigh for.the comforts of the Brick
Tavern, with its splendid sign of the sun rising and setting
between two partitions of paint intended for hills; and which
sun looked so much like spreading rays, that a friend soberly
asked us afterwards-" If we didn't put up the first night at the
sign of the Fan "
This chapter opens up after sunset on our second day, and we




48               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
inquired with much anxiety at a miserable cabin, how far it was
to the next tavern, and were answered-" A smart bit yetmaybe more nor three miles by the blaze, but the most powerfulest road!" Since early morning we had, with incessant driving,
done nearly twenty miles; if then we had, in a bad road, done
by daylight about one and a half miles per hour, how were we
likely to do three miles in the dark, and over what a native
styled-the " most powerfulest road?"  Hence, as the lady of
the cabin seemed kind, and more than once expressed compassion
for " my womin body"-so she called Mrs. C.;-and as she
"allowed" we had better stop where we were, we with a sudden and very respectful remembrance of the Rising or Setting
Fan Tavern, agreed to halt. And so!-at long last-we were
going really and actually: to pass a night in a veritable, ritydity cabin!-in a vast forest too!-and far enough from all the
incumbrances of eastern civilization!
" And did you not thrill, Mr. Carlton 2"
I rather think, kind reader-I did;-at least I felt some sort
of a shiver; especially as the gloom of the frightful shades increased; and the deafening clangour of innumerable rude frogs
in the mires and on the trees arose; and the whirl and hum and
buzz of strange, savage insects and reptiles, and of winged and
unwinged bugs, began and increased and grew still louder; and
vapours damp, chilly and fcetid ascended and came down; and
the only field in sight was a few yards of " clearing," stuck with
trunks of " deadened" trees and great stumps blackened with
the fires! And I think the thrill, or whatever it was, grew more
and more intense on turning towards the onward road, and finding a suspicion in my mind that it only led to the endless repetition of the agreeable night scene around us-ah! ha!-maybe
to    Then came retrospective visions of friends in the far East
-till-" what?" —I hardly know what-till something, however, like a wish came, that it were as easy to float up the Ohio
as down. Heyho!
Nor was the cabin a fac-simile of those built in dreams and
novels and magazines.  Mine were of bark, and as neat as a
little girl's baby house! This had, indeed, bark enough about,




THE. NEW  PURCHASE.                     49
but still not put up poetically. It was in truth a barbarous
rectangle of unhewed and unbarked logs, and bound together
by a gigantic dove-tailing called " notching."  The roof was
of thick, ricketty shingles, called " clapboards;" which when clapped on were held down by longitudinal poles kept apart by
shorter pieces placed between them perpendicularly. The interstices of the log-wall were " chinked"-the " chinking" being
large chips and small slabs dipping like strata of rocks in
geology; and then on the chinking was the " daubing"-a quant.
suff. of yellow clay, ferociously splashed in by the hand of the
architect, and then left to harden at its leisure.  Rain and frost
had here, however, caused mud daubing to disappear; so that
from without could be clearly discerned through the wall, the
light of fire and candle, and from within, the light of sun, moon
and stars-a fair and harmless tit for tat.
The chimney was outside the cabin and a short distance from
it. This article was built, as boys in rainy weather, make on
the kitchen hearth stick houses of light wood;-for it consisted
of layers of little logs reposing on one another at their corners
and topped off when high enough with flag stones.  It was,
moreover, daubed, and so admirably as to look like a mud
stack! That, however, was, as I afterwards found, inartistical
-the daubing of chimneys correctly being a very nice task, although just as dirty as political daubing.
The inside cabin had one room below and one loft above-to
which, however, was no visible ascent.  I think the folks
climbed up at the corner. The room  contained principally
beds, the other furniture being a table, " stick chairs," and some
stools with from two to three legs apiece. Crockery and calabashes shared the mantel with two dangerous looking rifles and
powder horns.  The iron ware shifted for itself about the fireplace, where awkward feet feeling for the fire or to escape it,
pushed kettle against pot and skillet against cutch oven.
What French cook committed suicide because something
was not done " to a turn 2"  Ample poetic justice may be done
to his wicked ghost by some smart writer, by chaining him
with an iambic or two to the jamb of that cabin hearth-there
3




O0               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
for ever to be a witness of its cookery. There came first the
pettish outcries of two matron hens dangled along to a hasty
execution; then notes of preparation sung out by the tea-kettle;
then was jerked into position the dutch oven straddling with
three short legs over the burning coals; and lastly the skillet
began sputtering forth its boiling lard, or grease of some description. The instruments ready, the hostess aided by a little
barefooted daughter, and whose white hair was whisped at the
top of the head with a string and horn comb, the hostess put
into the oven balls of wet corn meal, and then slapped on the
lid red hot and covered with coals, with a look and motion
equal to this sentence-" Get out of that! till you're done."
Then the two fowls, but a moment since kicking and screeching
at being killed, were doused into the skillet into hot oil, where
they moved around dismembered, as if indignant now at being
fried.
We travellers shifted quarters repeatedly during these solemn
operations, sometimes to get less heat, sometimes more, and
sometimes to escape the fumes direct; but usually, to get out
of the way. That, however, being impracticable, we at length
sat extempore, and were kicked and jostled accordingly. In
the meanwhile our landlady-in whom was much curiosity, a
little reverence, and a misty idea that her guests were great
folks, and towards whom as aristocrats it was republican to feel
enmity-our landlady maintained at intervals a very lively talk,
as for example:
"From Loo'vilIe, I allow l"
" No-from Philadelphia."
A sudden pause-a turn to look at us more narrowly, while
*she still affectionately patted some wet meal into shape for the
ovel.
"Well!-now!-I wonder!-hem!  Come to enter land,'spose-powerful bottom on the Shining-heavy timber, though.
He's your old man, mam V"
Mrs. C. assented. The hostess then stooped to deposit the
perfect ball, and continued:
" Our wooden country's mighty rough, I allow, for some




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     51
folks-right hard to git gals here, mam —folks has to be thar
own niggurs, mam-what mought your name lIe?"
Mrs. C. told the lady, and then in a timid and piteous sort of
tone inquired if girls could not be hired by the year? To this
the landlady replied at first with a stare-then with a smileand then added:
" Well! sort a allow not-most time, mam, you'll have to
work your own ash-hopper"-" Nan"-name of little flax head
-" Nan, sort a turn them thare chickins."
And thus the cabin lady kept on doing up her small stock of
English into Hoosierisms and other figures; now, with the
question direct-now, the question implied; then, with a soliloquy-then, an apostrophe: and all the time cleaning and cutting
up chickens, making pones, and working and wriggling among
pots, skillets and people's limbs and feet, with an adroitness and
grace gained by practice only; and all this; without upsetting
any thing, scalding any body, or even spilling any food-excepting, maybe, a little grease, flour and salt. Nor did she lose
time by dropping down curtsey fashion to inspect the progress
of things baked or fried: but she bent over as if she had hinges
in the hips, according to nature doubtless, but contrary to the
Lady's Book; although the backward motion made to balance
the head projected beyond the base, did render garments short
by nature still shorter, as grammarians would say, by position.
Corn-bread takes its own time to bake. Hence it was late
when the good woman, having placed the "chicken fixins" on a
large dinner-plate, and poured over them the last drop of unabsorbed and unevapoirated oil, set all on the table, and then,
giving her heated and perspiring face a last wipe with the corner
of her tow-linen apron, and also giving her thumb and finger a
rub on the same cleanser, she sung out the ordinary summons:
"Well! come, sit up."
This sit-up we instantly performed, while she stood up to pour
out the tea, complimenting all the time its quality, saying"'Tisn't nun of your spice-wood or yarb stuff, but the rele gineine
store tea."  Nanny remained near the dutch oven to keep us
supplied with red-hot pones, or corn-balls-and hard enough to




52               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
do execution from cannon. The teacups used, held a scant pint;
and to do exact justice to each cup, the mistress held the teapot
in one hand and the water-pot in the other, pouring from both
at once till the cup was brim-full of the mixture:-an admirable
system of impartiality, and if the pots have spouts of equal
diameters, the very way to make precisely " half and half." But
sorry am I to say, that on the present occasion, the water-pot
had the best and easiest delivery.' And could you eat, Mr. Carlton?"
How could we avoid it, Mr. Nice? Besides, we were most
vulgarly hungry.  And the consequence was, that, at the arrival
of the woodman and his two sons, other corn-bread was baked,
and, for want of chicken, bacon was fried.
" But how did you do about retiring 2"
We men-folks, my dear Miss, went out to see what sort of
weather we were likely to have; and on coming in again, the
ladies were very modestly covered up in bed-and then wegot into bed-in the usual way.  I have no doubt Mr. Carlton
managed a little awkwardly: but I fear the reader will discover,
that in his attempts at doing as Rome does, Mr. Carlton departed
finally from the native sweetness and simplicity of eastern and
fashionable life. Still we seemed to leave rather an unfavourable
impression at the cabin, since, before our setting out in the
morning, the landlady told the driver privately-" Well! I
allow the stranger and his woman-body thinks theirself mighty
big-bugs-but maybe they aint got more silver than Squire
Snoddy across Big Bean creek; and his wife don't think nuthin
on slinging round like her gal-but never mind, maybe Mrs.
Callten, or Crawltin, or something or nuther, will larn how too."
-Oh!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     53
CHAPTER X.
"Go on-Sir."
"REALLY, Mr. Carlton, unless you tell us whither you are
travelling we will proceed no further."
And really I could not blame you, friends, since, had it not
been for very shame and irpracticability, we ourselves, on the
third morning, would have imitated Sawney of apple-orchard
memory, and "crawled back again."  But I am  on the very
point of telling as distinctly as possible about our destinationand as you have got thus far, and have paid* (?) for the book,
you may as well finish it.
We are proceeding as slowly as we can in search of the Glenville Settlement, a place somewhere in the New Purchase.  We
hope to find there, my wife's mother, my wife's aunt, my wife's
uncle, and her sisters and her brother, John Glenville. One of
my purposes is to become Mr. Glenville's partner in certain
land speculations, and with him to establish a store and also a
tannery.  Of the New Purchase itself we will speak at large
when we reach that famous country.  As to Glenville Settlement itself, lofty opinions of its elegancies began to fall, and
misgivings to be felt, that its houses would be found no better
than they ought to be: and in these we were not disappointed,
as the reader may in time discover.
The third night of the Searching now approached; and we
had come to a very miserable hut, a ferry-house, on the top of
a high bluff, and fully a quarter of a mile from the creek below.
An ill-natured young girl was apparently the sole occupant;
and she, for some reason, refused to ferry us over the water
stating, indeed, that the creek could as yet be forded, but giving
us no satisfactory directions how to find or keep the ford.  Judge
* Persons that horrow this work, will of course read it through.




54               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
our feelings, then, on getting to the bank, to find a black, sullen
and swollen river, twenty yards wide-a scow tied at the end
of the road-and that road seeming to enter upon the ford, if,
indeed, any ford was there! I stepped into the boat, and, with
its " setting-pole," felt for the ford; and happily succeeded in
finding the bottom when the pole was let down a little beyond
six feet!
No house, except the ferry-hut on the bluff above, was on this
side the water for many a long and weary mile back; and beyond the water was a low, marshy and terrific beech-wood, and,
from its nature, known to be necessarily uninhabited: so that,
unless we could help ourselves, nobody else was likely to help.
With great difficulty, therefore, and no small danger from our
want of skill and hands enough, we " set" ourselves over in the
scow: and when safely landed in the mud beyond, we at first
determined to let the boat go adrift as a small punishment to
the villainy of the ferry people; but reflecting that possibly
some benighted persons might suffer by this vengeance, we tied
the scow-and splattered on. In half a mile, strange enough,
we met a large party of women and children, to whom we told
what had happened and what had been done with the scow: on
which they cordially thanked us, it being necessary for them to
cross the river, and in return assured us of a better road not
very far forward, and which led to "a preacher's" house, where
we should find a comfortable home and a welcome for the
night.
What the oasis of dry deserts is, all know; but the oasis of
waste woods and waters is-a clearing with its dry land and
sunlit opening.  Such was now before us, not indeed sunlitfor the sun was long since set-and in the midst of a very extensive clearing was not a cabin, but a veritable two-story
house of hewn and squared timbers, with a shingle roof, and
smoke curling gracefully upward from its stone chimney! Yes,
and there were corn-cribs, and smoke house, and barn, and outhouses of all sorts: and removed some distance from all, was
the venerable cabin in a decline-the rude shell of the family
in its chrysalis state!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    55
But our reception!-it was a balm and a cordial. We found,
not indeed the parade and elegant variety of the East, but neat
apartments, refreshing fire after the chill damps of the forest, a
parlour separate from the kitchen, and bedrooms separate from
both and from  one another.  There, too, if memory serves
right, were six pretty, innocent girls-no sons belonged to the
family-coarsely but properly dressed; and who were all
modest and respectful to their elders and superiors-a very rare
thing in the New Purchases, and, since the reign of Intellect, a
rarer thing than formerly in most Old Purchase countries.
The mere diffusion of " knowledges," without discipline of mind
in their attainment, is not so favourable to virtue and good
manners as Lyceum  men think.  Our six little girls were
mainly educated on Bible principles-living fortunately in that
dark age when every body's education was not managed by
legislatures and taxes. The law administered by irreligious or
infidel statesmen, or by selfish demagogues, is always opposed
to the Gospel.
No pains were spared by the whole family inlour entertainment: and all was done from  benevolence, as if we were
children and relatives. The Rev. William  Parsons and his
lady, our hosts, had never been in the East, or in any other
school of the Humanities; and yet with exceptions of some
prejudices, rather in favour, however, of the West than against
the East, this gentleman and lady both beautifully exemplified
the innate power of Christian principles to make men not only
kind and generous, but courteous and polite.
In my dreams no oasis of this kind had appeared-yet none
is so truly lovely as that where religion makes the desert and
the wilderness blossom as the rose. I have been much in the
company of clergy and laity both, and in many parts of the
Union, and my settled belief in consequence is, that the true
ministers of the Gospel, in spite of supposed characteristical
faults and defects, and prejudices, are, as a class, decidedly
among the very best and noblest of men.
We discovered that Mr. Parsons, like most located and permanent pastors of a wooden country, received almost literally




56               THE  NEW  PU R CAS IT  SE.
nothing for ecclesiastical services.  Nay, Mrs. Parsons incidentally remarked to Mrs. C. that for seven entire years she
had never seen together ten dollars either in notes or silver!
Hence, although suspecting he would refuse, and fearing that
the offer might even distress him, I could not but sincerely wish
MIr. P. would accept pay for our entertainment: and the offer
was at last made in the least awkward way possible. But in
vain was every argument employed by me, that decorum
would allow, to induce his acceptance-he utterly refused, only
saying:-" My dear young friend, pay it to some preacher of
the Gospel, and in the same way and spirit the present service
is rendered to you."  And here, in justice to ourselves, we
must be permitted to record that we did most gladly, and on
many more occasions than one, repay our debt to Mr. Parsons
in the way enjoined.
Formerly it was indeed rare, that any one in the Far West,
however poor, ferryman or tavern keeper, would ask or take
if offered, a cent for his services fiom  any man known as a
preacher. True, the immunity existed in a few places under a
belief that preachers ought not to expect or receive the smallest
salary; and sometimes a preacher was actually questioned on
that point, and treated according to his answer: but still in the
primitive times, especially of the New  Purchase, the vast
majority of woodsmen would have indignantly scouted the
thought of demanding pay from a preacher, and that whether
he received a small stipend for his services, or as was the common case, nothing.  Once a clerical friend of the author's
travelled nearly one thousand miles in woods and prairies, and
brought back in his inexpressibles-pocket, the identical pecunia
carried with him  for expenses-viz., Fifty Cents! That, on
leaving home, he had supposed.would be enough;-it proved
too much!
During my Western sojourn, I was powerfully impressed
with the importance and necessity of forming a new Society;
nor has the notion been abandoned since leaving that country.
I have been indeed always deterred from making the attempt,
from its internal difficulty, from its entire novelty, and a deep




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    57
settled conviction of its great unpopularity. Indeed, I fear the
thing is wholly impracticable in an age when all kinds of public
instruction  is gratuitous-and  it is deemed enough to be
honoured with a hearing in public, and to hear the criticisms of
audiences that all know all things, and even something to boot,
as well and maybe a little better than the literati themselves.
But so much would my scheme, if adopted, do to alleviate the
great distresses, anxieties and privations of many very worthy
clergymen, that I will venture to give a hint of the plan, even
though I may be deemed,a visionary.  The Society I propose is
to bear this title:
" The-make-congregations-PAY-what-they-voluntarily-pRoMISESociety."  For which I shall only now name one reason-viz.,
that most clergymen do perform  all they ever promise-and
often a very great deal more.  If the Society is now ever
formed by others, I must here once for all, however, positively
decline the honour of being one of the travelling agents-I can
stand some storms, but not all.
Certain wits sneer here, and reversing the Indian's remark,
say "poor preach-poor pay;" and please themselves with
drawing contrasts between the Western and the Eastern styles
of preaching. But take away libraries from our preachers, take
away the sympathy and the applause; make such work, not
with small and incompetent stipends as is the case pretty generally here-in the civilized States-but with no salary whatever; make them work, chop wood, plough, ride day after day,
and night after night in dim, perilous, endless wilds; bid them
preach in the open air or between two cabins, or in an open
barn, or even bar-room, without notes or preparation, and all
this weary, sick, jaded; smoke and suffocate them  in a cold,
cheerless day, with a fire not within but without the house, to
which the congregation repair during the sermon in committees
both for heat and gossip-do all this and we shall hear no more
of the contrast.  And yet within those grand old woods you
shall often hear bursts of eloquence-stirring appeals —strains
of lofty poetry-ay, the thunderings of resistless speech, that
would move and entrance, through all their length and breadth,.




58                  THE  NEW   PURCHASE.
the cushioned seats of our bedizzened churches!  True, as a
whole, even such discourses may not do to print.  What then?
Is a sermon the best adapted to be spoken, always the best to
be printed? Does not the patent steam press squeeze the very
life and soul out of most sermons?  Granted that the notes of a
preacher may be printed as the notes of a musician —still that
preacher himself must be present to make his notes speak forth
the latent sense-and if he find not the sense and spirit there he
expected-to put them  there at the impulse of the moment.
The very Reverend Lord Bishop Baltimore —
"Mr. Carlton!-we are impatient to continue the search for
Glenville."
Oh! yes-true-true!-advance we then to a new chapter.
CHAPTER XI.
" Cum subitb e sylvis, macie confecta suprema
Ignoti nova forma viri, miserandaque cultu,
Respicimus: dira illuvies, immissaque barbas
Consertum tegmen spinis."
-What strange form of unknown Hoosier
In most shocking bad hat rises sudden I
His never-name-ems torn, disfigur'd I HimSelf hid, in part,'hind hedge of matted beard
Fall'n a good way down on robes, with sharp thorns
Pinn'd,'stead of buttons, or of hooks and eyes I
ON the morning of the fourth day, about ten o'clock, A. M.,
we emerged from  the forest upon a clearing one mile in length,
and a half a mile in breadth: and nearly in its centre stood
Woodville, the capital of the NEW  PURCHASE-a village just
hewed and hacked out of the woods, fresh, rough, and green.
And this identical town, reader, is, we are informed, about
twenty miles from  Glenville-save in the contraction of the
roads in dry seasons, when the distance is variously estimated
at from sixteen to nineteen miles. And as we have a letter of
introduction to Dr. Sylvan of the capital, and. shall remain here
an hour, it seems the very time to describe Woodville, in and




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    59
about which, as the centre of our orbit, we moved for nearly
eight years.
Woodville was now almost three years old; large, however,
for its age, and dirty as a neglected urchin of the same years,
and rough as a motherless cub. It was the destined seat of a
University: hence when Mind whose remarkable tramp was
now  being-(hem!)-heard, halted here in its march some
years after, in the shape of sundry learned' and great men, we
were all righted up, licked into shape, and clarified. But to day,
never were strange animals so stared at, walked around and remarked upon near at hand by the brave, and peeped at by the
modest and timid from chinks and openings, as were we, tame
and civilized bipeds, Mr. and Mrs. C., by our fellow creatures of
Woodville. Why, we could not then conjecture-unless because
Mr. C. wore a coat and was shaved-or because Mrs. C. had on
no cap, and a cap there was worn by all wives old and younga sign in fact of the conjugal relation-and so it was " suspicioned" if Mrs. C. was not my wife, she ought to  be.
N. B. The caps most in vogue then were made of dark, coarse,
knotted twine, like a cabbage net-and were worn expressly as
the wives themselves said-" to save slicking up every day, and
to hide dirt!"
But here comes Dr. Sylvan, and we must introduce him,
First, however, be it understood that Woodville even then, had
two classes, the superior and the inferior; the former shaved
once a week, the latter once in two weeks, or thereabouts. At
our first meeting, which was accidental, I was at a loss where
to class my friend; and had we not already acquired some art
in decyphering character by studying the countenance and the
mien, and not by looking at the dress, or rather the want of it,
we should have fallen into a great mistake about this true
Christian and gentleman.
Shoes he wore, it is true-but one a coarse cow-hide laced
boot, the other a calf-skin Jefferson, or some other presidential
name.  And this latter was well blacked, though not shiney;
but the cow-hide had been two stiff, stubborn, and greasy, to
receive its portion. Above the Jefferson was a stockingless




60               TIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
ancle-presumptive, and even a fortiori evidence that the ancle
in the boot was in a natural condition.  Coat he wore none;
but he had on a Kentucky-jean vest, open to its lowest button,
and allowing the display of a reddish-yellow flannel shirt bosom,
his arms being encased in sleeves of thick cotton something, and
all unembroidered.  As a rare extravagance, and which placed
him in the aristocratic class of democrats, the Doctor wore, not
carried, a pocket-handkerchief; and he wore it circurnambient —
the cotton bandana going over one shoulder, and under the opposite arm, and then both ends met and were tied just above
the os femoris.  This luxury, however, was used only as'"a
sweat rag," and not as " a nose-cloth,"-delicate names applied
appropriately to a handkerchief, as it was employed to wipe off
perspiration or to blow the nose. As to the Doctor's nose, it
was, in its necessities, most cruelly pinched and twisted between
his finger and thumb; and these were then wiped on the rag
just mentioned-on the plan of the man that topped the candle
with his fingers, and deposited the burnt wick in the snuffers.
The operation was certainly performed with great skill, yet it
seemed unnatural at the time; and it was not till we had seen
the governor himself in a stump speech, and the judge on the
bench, perform the same instinctively and involuntarily, that we
came to regard the affair as natural, and to conclude that, after
all, handkerchiefs were nothing more than civil conveniences.
Such was the leaden casket-the outer man; but reader,
within was a rare jewel.  With a little fixing, this gentleman
would easily have adorned and delighted the best company in
the best places.  He was a brave soldier, an able statesman,
and a skilful physician; and if not learned, he was extensively
and even profoundly read in his favourite studies, medicine and
politics. His person, disfigured even by his dress, was uncommonly fine, his countenance prepossessing, and his conversation
easy, pleasant, and instructive. In the legislative assemblies he
was highly respected, and often his influence there was unbounded; and happily that influence was usually well directed.
The Doctor, in short, would have graced the hall at Washington. As a husband and a father, no man was ever more




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    61
affectionate; and as a physician, none more kind, tender, and
anxious-indeed he not only prescribed for a patient, but as
far as possible, nursed him.  It was strange, however, that
so brave a man in the field, should have been occasionally
cowed in the presence of political foes-but so it was; and this
was the only blemish in a man otherwise so good, noble, and
generous.
Other citizens may be introduced hereafter; at present we
shall speak of Woodville itself. This was, as has been stated,
the capital of the New Purchase-the name of a tract of land
very lately bought from the Indians, or the Abor'rejines, as the
Ohio statesman had just then named them, in his celebrated
speech in the legislature:-" Yes, Mr. Speaker, yes, sir," said
he, " I'd a powerful sight sooner go into retiracy among the red,
wild, Abor'rejines of our wooden country, nor consent to that
bill." The territory lay between the north and south Shining
rivers-called sometimes the Shinings, sometimes the Shineys,
from the purity of the waters and the brightness of the sandsand it contained fine land, well timbered and rolling. The white.
population was very sparse, and mainly very poor persons, very
illiterate, and very prejudiced, with all the virtues and vices belonging to woodsmen.  Among them were few, indeed scarcely
any, persons born east of the mountains; and our community
was a pure Western one-men of the remote West being by
far the majority of the settlers.
As a tribe, the Indians had themselves " gone into retiracy,"
away beyond the great father of waters; yet many lingered in
their favourite hunting-grounds and around the graves of warriors and chieftains; and we often met them in the lonely parts of
the wilderness, seemingly dejected; and now and then they
came gliding like sad spectres into Woodville. The town itself
stood on the site of their own wigwam village.  Here they spent
hour after hour, with unerring arrows splitting apples and knocking offsixpences some fifty or eighty yards distant; and once when
taunted for want of skill, on assurance of immunity, they gratified and surprised us by sending two arrows against the ball of
the court-house steeple, full seventy feet high, and with force




62               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
enough to leave two holes in its gilt sides-and these the Doctor writes mre, remain to this day.
The grand building then was this very court-house.  Its order
of architecture I never ascertained-it was, however, most certainly a pile. The material was brick of a fever-colour; the
building being kept under and down by the steeple just named,
which topped off with its gilded ball and spire, straddled the roof,
determined to keep the ascendancy.  The vane was an uncommonly wise one, utterly refusing, like earthly weathercocks and
demagogues, to turn about by every wind; and yet when in the
humour it whirled about just as it pleased, and without any
wind-emblem  of our hunters and woodsmen, who seemed to
like the vane for its very inconsistency and independence.
From the road or street a double door opened immediately into
the court-room. This was paved all over with brick, to cool the
bare feet in summer, and in winter to bear the incessant stamping of feet shod with bull-skin boots armed to the centre of the
sole with enormous heels, and with the sole and all fortified with
rows of shingle nails: —four such feet were equal to one roughshod horse.  The pave was, of course, dust sometimes, sometimes mortar.  Each side the door and within the room  were
stairs.  These were deflected from a perpendicular just enough
to rest at the top, like a ladder to a new building in a city; so
that we climbed, ladder-like, to our second story, where several
rooms were found well finished and convenient for their usesthe sole excellency in the structure.
West from this citadel of justice was the guardian of libertythe jail; the close vicinity of the two reminding one forcibly of
a doctor's shop adjoining a grave yard. This keep, in its construction, was in imitation of a conjuror's series of box within
box; for first was an exterior brick house, and then within it
another house of hewed logs.  No wall, however, surrounded
the prison; hence, from its only cell prisoners used, through a
little grated window open to the public square, to converse unrestrained with their friends or attorneys. The consequence uniformly was a very magical trick, the exact reverse of what happened with the wizard boxes: for while the piece of silver con



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    63
jured from your fingers would most miraculously be found in
the very last of the indwelling series, the condemned thief or
murderer safely caged in our interior cell, at the very moment
the officers wished him to come and be hung, or some such exaltation, lo! and behold! then and there-the criminal was not!
And at every renewal of this curious trick, which was two or
three times a year, we were as much amazed as ever!
Getting out was still a little troublesome, more so at least
than not getting in; and so a rowdy school-master of the Purchase, against whom were charges of assault and battery, used
this preventive. He had given bail for his appearance, but the
day before the trial the following was inserted in our Woodville
paper-the " Great Western Republican Democrat:""Melancholy.-The body corporate of Mr. Patrick Erin,
school-master of Harmnan's Bottom, was found lodged in some
brush below the log across Shelmire's Creek.  It is known he
left town yesterday in a state of intoxicated inebriety, and with
a jug of the critter, so that as he tried to cross in the great
fresh he slipped off and was drowned."
Accounts, indictments, charges, and so on, were all quashed
-and then the day after, Mr. Patrick Erin that was lately
drowned, or somebody exactly like him, was reeling about the
court-yard, pretty well corned, to the amazement of us all,
judge, grand jury, and citizens. The scamp had written the
"Melancholy" for the paper himself —and for that time escaped all prosecutions.
Churches at the era of the Searching, if by a church be meant
according to certain syllogisms in school logic, "a building of
stone," did not grace our capital. But if by church we understand "a congregation," then churches were about as plenty as
private houses.  We numbered five hundred citizens, and these
all belonged to some one or more of our Ten Religious Sectshence almost every house-keeper had a "meeting" of his own
and in his own dwelling.  I fear we were in all things too
superstitious, and that some of us worshipped an unknown
God. Indeed most that was done at many of our meetings,
was to revile others and glorify ourselves. Judge, however,




64               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
reader, of the nature of our fanaticism by an instance or two
that occurred when I resided afterwards in Woodville. I had
a neighbour who conducted private prayer, not by entering his
closet and shutting the door, but by opening his doors and
windows, and praying so awfully loud, that we could distinctly
hear and see him too, from our house distant from his a full
half-furlong! But again, some extra saints, wishing to worship
on a high place, used to resort to the top of the court-house
steeple! A peculiar grumble repeatedly heard thence several
evenings in succession, after sunset, induced several profane
persons to clamber up to ascertain the cause —and there, sure
enough, were the steeple saints away up towards heaven, at
their devotions!-pity they ever came down to earth againthey fell away from grace afterwards, and died, I fear, and
made no sign!
Household churches are sometimes very unfavourable to
devotion and elocution, especially if children belong to the
establishment. If such, indeed, are of the class mammilla, they
may be nursed into order: but no apples, cookies, maple-sugar,
little tin cups and hardware mugs of milk or spring water, can
keep quiescent those that are independent of the milky way.
True, they are at last captured, after eluding a dozen hands,
and laughing at nods, frowns, and twisted faces, and are then
hurried off, kicking away at the air and knocking off a sun-bonnet or two near the door-way —but then the "screamer!"and this followed by the clamour between the belligerents outside-she administering a slapping dose of the wise man's prescription, and it exclaiming, indignant and outrageous at the
medicine!
In one house where we often went to meeting, the owner,
annoyed in the week by customers leaving an inner door open,
had posted up within the room and on that door the following,
and in large letters:
" If you please, shut the door, and if you don't please-shut
it any how!"
The preacher did not seem  greatly disturbed at the first
glance-but alas!-my weak thoughts wandered away to the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    65
apostolic churches somewhere, and fancied the surprise of clergy
and laity, if by any modern miracle, this ingenious caution had,
late on Saturday night, taken the place of certain golden inscriptions!
The universal address on entering a house, after a premonitory rap or kick at the door, was-" Well! who keeps house 3"
It was a kind of visiting appogiatura to smooth the abruptness
of ingress.  Once in a domestic meeting, we were listening
devoutly to the preacher, when a neighbour came, for the first
time indeed, but by express invitation, to our meeting; and
after tying his horse, putting the stirrups over the saddle and
pulling down his tow-linen trowsers, he advanced to the house
and startled both minister and people by administering a smart
prefatory rap to the door cheek, and drawling out in a slow, but
very loud tone, the usual formula-" W-e-ll-who-keepshouse "-when he squeezed in among us and took a seat as
innocent as a babe.  Query for casuists-Is it always'sinful to
laugh in meeting.
One more, dear reader, from  our string of onions, and we
suspend at present the ecclesiastical history.  A hostess who
had a church in her house, found her dinner often delayed by
the length of the services, and therefore insisted that a friend of
mine, who was the preacher, should shorten the exercises;
which occasioned the following colloquy 
"Sister Nancy, we must not starve our souls."
" Well, I allow we'll starve our bodies then!"
" By no means, sister, is that necessary-"
"Well-how in creation is a body to have dinner if a body
aint time to cook it V"
" Why, sister, as soon as you hear amen to the sermon-clap
on the pot!"
Sister Nancy ever after obeyed; and so the pork, cabbage,
and all that constitute a regular Sunday mess, were bubbling
away in the prophet's pot about the time the final hymns,
prayers, exhortations, and other appendices to the regular worship were ended:-a beautiful verification of the remark, that




66               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
" some things can be done as well as others," and, as may be
added, at the very same time too.
As to our private edifices, the description of one will aid an
ordinary imagination to picture the rest. And we select Dr.
Sylvan's; he being of the magnates, and his house being builded
by special order.
This domicile was of burnt clay, rough as a nutmeg grater,
and of no decided brick shape or colour-each apparently
having been patted into form, and freckled in the drying. It
was a story and a fraction high, and fastened at one end to a
wing containing the shop.  Here was kept " the doctor-stuff;"
and also the skeleton of Red Fire, an Indian chief, about whom
the reader may expect a story in due time.  Here too were the
doctor's rifle and all his hunter-apparel: for, once or twice a
year, our " Medicine" put on his leather breeches, his leggins,
his moccasins, his hunting shirt, his fur cap, and with that long
and ponderous rifle on his shoulder, shot-pouch and powder-horn
at his hip, and tomahawk and knife in the belt, off went he to
the uninhabited wilds. There he continued alone for days and
even weeks-killing deer, and turkeys, and bears, etc., and
camping out; stoutly and conscientiously maintaining all was
for the good of his health, while it supplied him  at a small
expense with fresh meat.  My heart always warmed towards
this genuine and noble woodsman thus apparelled!  Oh! the
measureless gulf between this Man and the Thing with curled
hair, kid gloves, and anointed head!-the curious, bipedalic
civet-cat of the East. I plead guilty, reader, to a spirit of
Nimrod and Ramrodism-ay! again could I at times, shutting
my eyes to the bitter past; again could I exchange my now
solitary native land for the cabin and the woods! Alas! the
doctor's age would now forbid our occasional hunts togetherand Ned Stanley and Domore -
" Go on with the doctor's house, Mr. Carlton."
Well, on the first floor were two rooms, and connected with
a Lilliputian half-story kitchen forming an L, as near as possible. Between house proper and kitchen was the dining-room,




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     67
a magnificent hall eight feet wide by six feet long, with a door
on each side opening into-vacancy; threats to put steps to the
doors made two or three times a year with great spirit, being
never executed. Indeed, at last, Mrs. Sylvan herself declared
to Mr. Carlton, that "there was no use in steps, any way, as
the children were mighty spry, and the grown folks had got
used to it." And to tell the truth, the little bodies did climb
up and down like lamp-lighters; and I certainly never heard
of more than half a dozen accidents to grown folks, owing to
those stepless doors all the while of our sojourn in the Purchase.  Nor was the space for eating any inconvenience in a
country where families rarely all sat at the same time to the
table, but came to their feed in squads.
The two rooms named contained each several beds, couches
by night, and settees by day. Indeed, even when the doctor's
lady-an accident that occurred maybe once in two yearswas confined by a slight illness to her bed in the day-time,
citizens of all sexes on visits of friendship or business, might be
seen very gravely and decorously seated on the side and foot
of madame's bedstead, knitting or talking" Oh! fie!"
Ladies, it was unavoidable; and not more surprising than
when French ladies admit exquisites of the worthier gender to
aid at their toilette. How much of the person may be exposed
in stage dancing and French toilettes, we have never been wellbred enough to ascertain; but in Mrs. Sylvan's levee nothing,
we do know, could be discerned, save the tip of the nose and
the frill of the cap.
From the rooms, doors apiece opened into the street; and
as these were very rarely ever shut, summer or winter, the
whole house may be said to have been out of doors. In fact,
as the chimneys were awfully given to smoking, it was usually
as comfortless within the rooms as without. But in each of the
small rooms a large space was cut off in one corner for a staircase; each stairway leading to separate dormitories in the
fractional story-the dormitories being kept apart, as well as
could be done, by laths and plaster.  Often wondering at this




68                THE NEW  PURCHASE.
dissocial wall up-stairs, I once inquired of Mrs. Sylvan what it
was for, who answered,
" Oh! sir, I had it done on purpose -"
"On purpose!-it wasn't accidental, then V"
"Law, bless you, no!-it was to keep the boys and girls
apart."
Now where, pray, had modesty in the far east ever built for
her two staircases and a plastered wall, and to the discomfort
of a whole family   Yet, vain care! The boys had perforated
the partition with peep-holes; but these were kept plugged
by the girls on their side with tow, so that their own consent
was necessary to the use of said apertures. Still I was told the
syringes from the shop were often used on both sides the wall,
to give illustrations and lessons in hydraulics, little perhaps to
edification, but very much to the fun of both squirters and
squirted: proof that even among hoosiers and other wild men,
"love laughs at locksmiths."
South of Woodville-distance according to the weather-and
in the very edge of the forest, were at this time, two unfinished
brick buildings, destined for the use of the future University.
As we passed to-day in our vehicle, the smaller house was
crammed with somebody's hay and flax; while the larger was
pouring forth a flock of sheep-a very curious form  for a college to issue its parchments-which innoxious graduates paused
a moment to stare, possibly at a future trustee, and then away
they bounded, a torrent of wild wool, to the shelter of the
woods.
The larger edifice was called Big College     ButBut-hark!-the rattle of our carriage!  We must then
hastily wind up with saying, that east of Woodville was a wilderness, and uninhabited for forty miles; south, cabins were
sprinkled, on an average, one to the league; south-west, the
same; but north and north-west, settlements and clearings were
more abundant.




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                      69
CHAPTER XII.
"Horresco referens, immensis orbibus angues I"
Horrible! A snake I
OUR driv6r finding the roads worse than his expectation, now,
contrary to the solemn league and covenant between us, refused
to proceed another step towards Glenville without additional
pay. While the controversy was tending upward in pitch and
intensity-for a very liberal price had been already paid-Dr.
Sylvan said,
" Come, driver, don't leave the strangers this way. I consider the price Mr. Carlton has already paid you to be very
fair, and that you are bound to go on with him to Glenvillebut here-action to word-here I'll pay you a dollar, rather
than this lady should not see her mother to-night." Of course
Mr. C. never allowed that dollar to be paid-yet such was the
generous spirit of the man!
The day was pleasant; and on the dry ridges, being free from
great perils, we began to enjoy the wildness of the primitive
world. And what grander than the column-like trees ascending, many twenty, many thirty, and some even forty feet, with
scarce a branch to destroy the symmetry! Unable, from their
number, to send out lateral branches, they had all grown
straight up, hastening, as in a race, each to out-top its neighbour,
till their high heads afforded a shelter to squirrels, far beyond
the sprinkling of a shot-gun, and almost beyond the reach of the
rifle! The timber in the Purchase was only trunk and top!
Yet where a hurricane had passed, and, by destroying a part,
allowed room  for the others to grow, there plainly could be
seen how such could " toss giant branches"-branches in amplitude and strength greater than the trunks, or rather slim
bodies of puny trees in modern groves and parks!




70               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
But here comes our first snake story. In answer to some
query about snakes, our landlord at Woodville had replied that
"there was a smart sprinkle of rattlesnake on Red Run, and
that it was a powerful nice day to sun themselves." We were
now drawing near to the dragon district, and began to experience that vibratory sensation belonging to snake terror, when
lo! a crackling and rustling of leaves and sticks on our leftand there, sure enough, was a living snake! It was not, indeed,
a rattlesnake, but a very fierce, large, and partly erect, black
one, with a skin as shiney as if just polished with patent blacking, a mouth wide open, and an astonishingly active tongue!
Several feet of head and neck were visible, but how many of
body and tail were concealed can never be told except by
Algebra; for when with curiosity still stronger than fear, the
driver and myself got out for a nearer inspection, not only did
her ladyship increase her vengeful hissing but she was joined in
that unpleasant music by some half dozen concealed performers;
and then our new and yet long acquaintance, instead of vanishing, as had been supposed on our nearer approach, darted head
foremost at us, and believe me reader, in the true western style,
like "greased lightning."  Had a boa made that attack, our
retreat could not have been more abrupt and speedy-we
pitched and tumbled into our wagon-and on looking round,
our queen snake was leisurely retiring, attended by more of her
subjects than we even dared to shake a stick at.
Every noise now by bird or squirrel seemed serpentish;
and every perfume of wild flower or blossom was like cucumbers, the odor of which resembles the fragrance of a rattlesnake;
and every crooked dark stick in the leaves or twisting vines
was a formidable reptile. At length, however, we had exhausted
our snake stories, conquered our apprehensions, and, gliding
into other topics, had reached a point in the forest where was
to be sought the path leading off to Glenville.
Reader, do not, when we speak of roads and paths, figure a
lane between fences; such trammel on the liberty of travellers,
and the freedom of cattle would be intolerable.  No: a road
authorised by law is achieved by levelling the trees between




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   71
given points, and thus making an avenue in the woods from
twenty to thirty feet wide; the small stumps being often removed, but all a size larger left, only dressed down so as to permit wagons to pass over without striking the axle-if they can.
This delicate performance of wagons is called-straddling, and
is done by rough ones without fear. Other vehicles utterly
refuse to straddle. As to saplings, such are cut off by one or
more oblique blows, some six or eight inches from the ground;
the remaining stumps, thus conveniently sharpened, threaten
to impale whoever may be pitched on to them from horse or
carriage.
On one side usually, some times on both, of large stumps
was a hole from  one to two feet deep. Where the stumps
followed in a serrated series, the wheels, but only of straddling
wagons, performed the most exhilarating see-saw, and with the
most astonishing alternations of plunge, creak, and splash, till
the uproar of a single team would fill a circle completely of
half a mile radius! Indeed, nothing so enlivened the.wilderness! When vehicles refused to straddle, driving became a
work of the most laborious skill in the perpetual winding
among holes and stumps that was then necessary; or when
that was too perilous, it became a matter of taste and fancy to
choose among the dozen extemporaneous roads inviting from
the right and left. Hercules himself would have been puzzled
to select sometimes, where all offered equal inducements, or
equal hindrances. These auxiliary ways have themselves other
helps, and these other subsidiaries, so that a person not a
woodsman, after an agreeable ride of some hours discovers
often that a very long lane has no turn, but a very unexpected
end, and leads exactly-no where.
We, of course, were chock full of instructions, and with all
our windings and turnings still kept our eye steadily on theblazes. The blaze is a longitudinal cut on trees at convenient
intervals, made by cutting off the bark with an axe or hatchet:
three blazes in a perpendicular line on the same tree indicating
a legislative road, the single blaze, a settlement or neighbourhood road.




72               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Well, to come back, we began to look through the legal
blazes to espy a' corner tree, cut and notched in a peculiar way;
at which turning off, we should discover a single blaze leading to Glenville-when-could it be possible!-up that very
tree was coiling an enormous and frightful serpent!"Obstupui I steteruntqlie comae I et vox faucibus hmsit I"
"We were dumb-found I Our hair stiffened to a poker I We were amazingly chopfallen I
-in spite of which all of us spoke out, and Mrs. Carlton really
screamed!  Of course we halted; and it being seen that cutting
across was prevented by a ravine, it was at last concluded that
Mr. C. be a committee to reconnoitre, while the others should
remain in the dearborne-a retreat from snakes equal to covering up in bed or shutting one's eyes! Accordingly, on went
capital I with a slow and cautious step, an eye to the rear as
well as to the fore, and flourishing in my hands a very long pole
to intimidate his snakeship before it came to blows, or running
away on one or both sides-but the scaly rascal budged neither
head nor tail, and yet seemed to swell larger and larger, as we
--  and the pole-advanced-till strange!-now his very form
was changing yet remaining-when all at once inspired with a
seeming phrenzy, I threw away my pole and dashing headlong
on the serpent I seized him by the tail"Oh!-Mr. Carlton!-Oh!"
Precisely as my own wife cried out at first; but as I maintained the hold and the enormous reptile still remained inflexibly bent around the tree, on came at last our friends, wagon
and all; and soon all capable of laughing, were joined in the
merriment on finding our frightful enemy subsiding into the
mere form of a snake very ingeniously wrought with a hatchet
into the corner tree and blackened with charcoal! That indeed
was "notching in a peculiar way," as Dr. Sylvan had said; and
true enough as he said also, "we should be sure enough to
see it."
The Glenville road was a mere path marked by a single
blaze, which we very pertinaciously followed although it lighted




THE  NEW PURCHASE.                     73
us along a very circuitous route.  In theory, the shortest line
between two points is the straight line; it is not so in practice
out there; at least, it is not prudent to be so mathematically
correct in the neighbourhood paths of a New Purchase. More
than once especially when going by the moss and the sun,
and  even  with  experienced  woodsmen, the mathematical
travelling has occasioned our being lost for hours, sometimes
for days. Hence our backwood's axiom-" the longest is the
shortest."
Notice here, a neighbourhood road does not imply necessarily
much proximity of neighbours. Such road leads sometimes not
to a settlement in actri-under the axe-but to a settlement
in posse-among the possums-a speculator's settlement.  But
even along an inhabited path, " neighbour " in the Purchase was
to be interpreted scripturally; and I rejoice to say, comprised
the Samaritans. Indeed, out there, we were very kind to neighbours-whenever we could find one another.
And now we reached the two story log house at the entrance
of the bottom of "Big Shiney," and where was to be encountered " the most powerful slashy land."  That the said slashy
land was the real stuff, may be inferred from the fact, that it
occupied us from half-past three, p. M., until seven o'clock pre
cisely in the evening to do three miles.
The river was still swollen and turbulent from recent rains,
and although within its banks, it had barely retired from its
overflowings.  And now a glorious sunset was there, far away
in the grand solitudes, where century after century the god of
day had gone down while his last beams were pouring the rich
mellow haze of evening over the distant homes of the East!
Gay birds were warbling farewell songs with distinct and
thrilling articulation, while some darting from bank to bank
seemed rays of sunlight winged and glancing over the waterssuch was their plumage. And squirrels, without fear, raced
and sported on hoary and patriarchal trees so inclined towards
the river, that from opposite banks they united their umbrageous tops in green and flowery arches above its bosom! It did
seem as if for once we had surprised nature's self in her wild,
4




74                TIHE  NEw  PURCHASE.
unpruned., rich, varied, luxurious negligence; and. were beholding the sun, not comiig from his chamber a strong man rejoicing
to run a race, but a glorious bridegroom retiring to the bridal
chamber of his spouse!
On the far balnk was a small wigwam hut, and below in the
water was tied a clumsy scow; but who was to ferry us over
was not instantly apparent, our shoutings sinmple and compound
being answered only by Echo, senior and junior.  At last rose,
in answer, the voice of an invisible wood-nymph; and that was
followed shortly by the appearance among the bushes of the
hamadryad in the shape of an athletic womnan -with a red head;
who girding up her loins-anglice, pinning up helo petticoatstepped barefooted and bareheaded into the boat, her little boy
at the moment casting loose the grape vine rope-its fastening.
She then poled, or' set up stream" about one hundred yards,
and afterwards, by a large oar on a pivot at one end of the scow,
she kept the boat nearly at right angles with the banks u'ntil the
current brought the ferrywoman as diagonally correct to where
we stood, as if all had been in a fashionable school on a black
board.
Alas! all this was nearly as unromantic as mathematics
themselves; for our heroine was not at all like the lady of the
lake or any other lady made to paddle a skiff in poetry or
painting.  She worked a scow to admiration, better truly than
the most poetic creature could have done-but then an ugly,
shapeless, clumsy scow! and a hearty, red-headed woman in
bare legs and Elssler bloomers!-what had such to do with the
sunset and the birds?  Poetry, therefore, being sufficiently
cooled down, we embarked; and while the good hearted, and
honest woman insisted she needed no aid, both M:r. C. and the
driver helped to navigate her boat.  It seemled, then, our ferrywoman had never heard our shouts!  " We had not,' she said,
" larn'd to holler;' and that having accidentally caught sight
of our wagon, she  "know'd we wanted over and so had hollored
naterally."  And the way she could lift up the voice made crag,
and cliff an-d forest,:far and wide spe:a.! And we ours el-es
finally learned to sing out " O-o-o-o-ver " till the rebellowing




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     75
of the woods brought the ferry person to the scow, even if at
work in the clearing hundreds of yards behind his cabin.
But happy we! the ferrywoman could tell us all about the
Glenville settlement! and then, unhappy we!-in her directions,
which were sufficiently ample, she, like many other instructors,
took for granted that we knew well the elements and data, of
which we were profoundly ignorant:-said she, " Well, I allow
you can't scarcely miss the path to the tan house-little Jim
here's bin thare many a time-and'cos the nabers go thare
all round the settlemints.  Howso6ver keep rite strate along the
bottim till you come to the bio-then sort a turn to the left, but
not quite-'cos the path goes to the rite like-but you can't
cross thare now-well, strate on is Sam Little's clerein, till you
come to the Ingin grave-and after that the path's a sort a
blind-but then it ain't more nor a mile to ole man Sturgisses,
and he lives rite fornence the tan house over the run."
Of course, reader, the above and most other directions and
speeches in this book like the above, are the filtered condensation of our own translation: the full vernacular you could not
understand and perhaps might not relish.  But interrogation
only rendered our labyrinthical direction more implicated; and
so, not wishing to seem less sagacious than little Jim, off we
splashed for the bayou; and here we succeeded so well in " a
sort-er turn to the left but not quite," that we soon lost sight of
all roads, paths and blazes; and then, hearing the sound of an
axe still more to the left, travelled that direction by ear,
through a wondrous wilderness of spice-wood, papaw, and
twenty unknown bushes, briers, and weeds, till we fell suddenly into a clearing, supposed to be our neighbour's, Sam
Little's.
Happily it proved to be Squire Brushwood's.  For Sam
Little's, it seems, was nothing save a clearing destitute of any
cabin; while Brushwood's was adorned with a double cabin and
all sorts of out-houses: and but for the lucky loss of our blaze,
we should here be recording a night in the woods, to us then as
deplorable as the prophet's lodging, thus poetically done, by
some learned man:




76                THE NEW  PURCHASE.
" Jonah was * * * * * * * *
Without fire or candle!
And nothing had he all the time
But cold fish-hem-to handle."
Whereas, now we were comfortably shedded and had more
corn.bread and bacon than we could devour.  And instead of
being alone, our wife had, in addition to us and the driver, a
guard in her bed-room, or rather around her very bed, a guard
of four other men-the squire, the squire's two sons, and a
journeyman chopper, whose axe had invited and guided us to
the clearing; and women and girls too numerous to mentionso that Mrs. Carlton never felt the least lonesome the livelong
night.
How getting to bed was managed could not be told, as Mrs.
C. made an extemporary screen by hanging something —   what"
-oh! a utility on a rope or grape vine stretched near our quarters: only no one went out to see about the weather, and from
first to last a very animated talk went on in voices of opposite
genders, and even amid the creaking of ricketty bedsteads and
after the dying of the fire light. Great adroitness is acquired
by women-bodies, especially in going to repose amidst company.  For instance, once we were at Major Billy Westland's,
in Woodville, in company with several male magnates, when
the major's lady withdrew  from  our circle at the fire, as
for some domestic duty; but on my accidentally looking
around, three minutes after, lo! there was a nightcap peering
above the " kiver-lid," and Mrs. Major Billy Westland's head
in  it!
Men-folks oversleeping themselves often find, on opening
their eyes, the girls fixing the table for breakfast; and then
they contrive to put on their indispensables under cover and in
bed.  Hence, on one memorable occasion, when we were at a
wedding, our groom having overslept the early morn, nade this
covert arrangement with his inexpressibles, and then most
-courageously thrust out among us his invested limbs. But woful ingenuity! —just then was entering at the opposite door, our
groom's brother, a gawkey young gentleman, with a green gos



THE NEW  PURCHASE.                      77
ling countenance, who seeing the pantalooned limbs protruded,
suddenly exclaimed in utter amazement:"Hey! if our Jess didn't sleep in his   -  "
*       *       *       *       *-      *
All asleep.
CHAPTER XIII.
THE FINDING.
"Ilionea petit dextra lsevaqne -"
"A shaking with both hands -"
RECEIVING very straight directions for a very crooked path, we
set out for Home! The path was rarely travelled by wheels and
was indeed unblazed; and hence we proceeded partly by instinct
and partly by trace of ruts seen usually by the eye, but often
felt after by the feet-one of us walking before the dearborne,
while the other drove.  This path I had always great difficulty in
finding. And once the whole Glenville community nearly, having to deviate from its direction on account of high waters, were
actually lost in the bottom for three long hours! To imprint
the affair more deeply we met, too, an accident at that time.
For endeavouring to drive along a slippery and very steep inclination, away suddenly pitched horse and wagon, and away
also Mr. and Mrs. Carlton, and one young lady, and two little
babies, all in an indescribable and mixed succession of somersets, down into the ravine; and yet, strange to tell! no one was
hurt, nothing important broken, although when about half way
to the bottom of the hill, the vehicle was caught by sapling
and bush-the wagon there sticking, wheels uppermost, and the
horse on his back with the whole four legs turning their shod
hoofs in thin air instead of thick earth! What it was, in such
a false position, I cannot tell; but so did the two dumb things
look, so patient, so resigned, appealing so touchingly with out



78                THE NEW  PURCHASE.
stretched limbs for help, that it was long before laughter would
permit Mr. Glenville and myself to restore wheels and legs to
the order of nature.  And when restored to a proper standing
in society, never. surely did horse and wagon move with more
unanimity!-never did a horse before so snort, so toss his head, so
shake mane and tail, till by practising all parts of his body he
was convinced it was only a very curious dream, just passed,
and he was truly himself again! Consequently after that I
preferred the better path through the bottom by Sam Little's
clearing and the Indian Grave. But on the present morning of
the Finding, Brushwood had directed us "the short cut" to
Glenville Settlement.
The reader will of course conjecture what happened to
novices-we lost our way. And by turning aside for logs unstraddleable, brush impenetrable, briars intolerable, and for
holes we cared not to fathom, we made the short path considerably longer than the long one, till all at once on clambering up
a steep hill, farther progress was barred by a lofty and tortuous
fence, worming around a clearing! At the unwonted noise of
cracking brush and bush in this quarter, soon, however, came
forth from  a good log-house in the centre, an almost gigantic
yet venerable old gentleman, who, to our great surprise, said he
was-the Mr. Sturgis-i. e. "ole-man Sturgis-fornence" the
tannery in the very suburbs of Glenville!
After helping to extricate and get our carriage in front of his
settlement, the old man advised, that, instead of now going
away round by a very obscure path, we had better proceed
right down the hill in the direction of the tan-house: especially
as to drive down the hill would, after all, be not much worse,
than the way up the hill just come.
Accordingly we prepared to alight in Glenville: not indeed
by flying, but by slipping and sliding down on them from our
sylvan summit.  And this was accomplished as follows:-our
historian and his lady advanced in pedibus-Latin is more ancient than French-or more vulgarly, on foot, and some yards
before the wagon; then the author judiciously presented one
side towards the bottom of the declivity, and the other towards




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    79
its top; and then the author's wife did dittos; after which her
lower hand in his upper, the happy couple commenced the glide
in that picturesque attitude and series of linked cadences, he
with his dextral and unimpeded hand retarding the velocity,
when becoming perilous, by seizing, at suitable intervals, bushes
and saplings, until, without accident, Mr. and Mrs. Carlton had
almost alighted on the border of a delightful and pellucid little
creek;  While above, the, driver, on foot, and holding his horse,
and his wagon, with plane inclined, were tearing and crashing,
and thundering down-the man partly on his knees, and the
horse in a sitting posture, like a pet dog at dinner time, till all
seemed like an avalanche of horses and wagons from  the
clouds-or, at least, in western parlance, " a right smart sprinkle" of the articles.  The unwonted uproar and shouts, and
voices and merriment, had announced that some wonder was
raining down on the settlement-and hence, they rushed from
the tannery to see what was descending-and lo! we, Mr. and
Mrs. Carlton, now ended our descent by gliding into the open
arms of uncle John Seymour and his nephew, John Glenville!
-Did you ever go away off, when travelling was the work
of months-away off, a thousand miles, in search of the nearest
and dearest kindred-and then, unexpectedly, on a bright and
fragrant May morning, find those dear ones in the dark depths
of an almost impervious wilderness?  Then did, at that moment, thoughts of the past-happiness-homes-comforts-ay!
of a thousand nameless past things rush like a torrent to your
heart —then you know how we-met and rejoiced-and wept!
How we crossed the creek I never knew-all were shaking
hands right and left —some asking questions-some answeringsome sobbing-and how could one see with eyes full of tears?
But still I do believe we were both hugged over!
— But see! all Glenville is coming-and the daughter is
once more upon the bosom of her mother!-yet the voice of
weeping are not tears of lamentation-they are tears of joy!
*       I:       *k       *        *       *




80                THIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
That morning thanksgiving prayers went up to heaven from
three households united, and hymns of praise resounded amid
the wilds: for these families were Christian-and wherever, in
their many wanderings, they halted as pilgrims for a day or a
year, there rose the domestic altars.
God is everywhere!
CHAPTER XIV.
FIRST YEAR.
"-locus est et pluribus umbris."
"-a shady place for several friends."
WELL! this is Glenville.  Has any body accompanied our
fortunes thus far?-that body may as well see us also "out of
the woods."  A  sojourn for a few years amid the privations
and hardships of the New Purchase will fit you better for a
home in the East-in case, we mean, you stay not so long as to
be forgotten by the time you go back.  And even then-after
the first bitter feelings of natural sorrow, of surprise, and perhaps of chagrin-believe me, such a force and independence
will have been added to the character, so much self-reliance
gendered, as to furnish an almost perpetual and complete substitute in your own resources. One perhaps, after a sojourn of
the proper kind in the New Purchase, is rather in danger of too
great a contempt for the things of the old: at all events, one,
whose spirit is not naturally bad, is very much inclined to feel
and say, with the good humour of Bernadotte, when he finds on
his return, that the world "does not care a fig" for him, "well,
tell the world, I do not care a fig for it."
The man that has practised doing with little, is really superior
to the man of large fortune, and of many wants.  Can he be
vexed for want of grand houses, fine furniture, sumptuous food,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    81
gay equipage, costly apparel, and the like, who, if he despises
not such matters, is soberly and philosophically indifferent to
them?  He has really so schooled himself amid rough huts,
rude furniture, coarse food, and homespun clothes, as, in his
very heart, to prefer them, with their freedom and independence,
to the wearisome and silly, and endless anxiety and toil of living
for mere show.
Come, then, I will introduce our "settlement."  And first,
this term is applied to a place where one or more families,.
having bought lands at the government price from  Uncle
Samuel, have actually located on it; and, not to a place bought
merely for speculation, or merely trespassed upon by any of
that nondescript and original race-the squatters. Indeed, to
these a settlement is so odious, that they either pay for land
and turn into settlers, or, they become indignant at the legal
invasion of their domain, and hastily-absquatulate; that isthey go and squat in another place. And such is the effect of
settlements often in here-the old Purchase-the civilized part
of the Continent-up north, down east, and so on, where well
looking and fine dressed gentlemen become so offended at the
impertinence of neighbours, that they too absquatulate.
A settlement usually takes its name from the person that first
" enters upon the land," i. e., buys a tract at the land office.
Often it takes the name from the family first actually settling,
or owning the largest number of acres; and very frequently
from  the person that establishes a ferry, a smithery, a mill, a
tannery, and, above all, a store. Hence, whilst our brother-inlaw was no patriarch in looks or age, owned no boundless territory, and was, in stature, " the least in his father's house," yet
because he tanned hides-for shoes we mean-and intended
soon to sell tape by the yard, and buy pork by the cwt.-we
were The Glenville Settlement.  And this colony had, within
its territories, as many as three human habitations; two occupied by actual settlers, and one by a very special sort of a
squatter-the Leatherstocking of our tribe.
On an eminence between the others-and, provided you




82                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
knew how " to holler," within hearing of both, but owing to
intervening trees, not within sight-stood the primitive and
patriarchal cabin-the capitol.  South-west, distant a quarter
of a mile was the cabin of the Reverend Mr. Hilsbury, lately
married to one of Mrs. Carlton's sisters; and directly south of
the episcopal residence, was the tannery, to which John Glenville, of Glenville, owed the honour of giving his name to the
colony.  Due east from  the capitol about a furlong, was the
squateree of Uncle Tommy Seymour, our Leatherstocking.  So
much of his long life had passed in the wild woods, and among
the Indians, that he had thoroughly imbibed their feelings and
their sentiments, and had adopted some of their habits; and,
therefore, he had not only acquired an utter distaste, but even a
sovereign contempt for most usages and trammels of civilization.  And Uncle Tommy was also a preacher-hence Glenville was two-thirds sacred and only one secular!
Around, were a few other settlements, Sturgis'-Hackberry's
-Undergrowth's-Brushwood's, and some more; all distant
from us and one another-some one mile, some ten. The unentered and unsettled tracts between, were our commons, called
the Range-used for hunting, swine-feeding, and the like.  The
Range had, however, inhabitants innumerable:-viz., deer,
wolves, foxes-blue, gray, and black-squirrels ditto, groundswine-vulgarly called ground hogs-and wild turkeys, wild
ducks, wild cats, and all the wild what-y'-callums:-opossums
too, up, down, in, and under gum-trees: —snakes, with and
without rattles, of all colours, from copper to green and black,
and of all sizes, from ever so little to ever so big. Add-" the
neighbours' hogs,"-so wild and fierce, that when pork-time
arrives, they must be hunted and shot, like other independent
beasts.  Especially is this the case if mast-nuts and acorns
-is abundant; when swiney becomes wholly savage, and loses
all reverence for corn-cribs and swill-tubs.  Gentle reader, our
semi-wild boar is a fellow  something different in look, and
rather worse to encounter, when saucy or angry, than the vile
mud-hole wallower of the Atlantic! If one would understand
the wild-boar hunts of Cyrus, or the feudal barons-go, get ac



THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    83
quainted with the semi-wild fellow of the Purchase. The Range
is perambulated by cattle horned and unhorned; by cows.
belled and un-belled; and by horses, some with yokes and
some without:-~but notice, yokes are not to prevent jumping
out of inclosures, but, into them. In the Range are also wonderful colts with cunning saucy faces, shaggy manes done up with
burrs, and with great long tails, so tangled that Penelope herself
could never disentangle-creatures almost uncatchable, and if
caught nearly untameable.
Nearly south of Glenville was the grand town-our Woodville. And nearly west, some eight or nine miles and a piece,
was Spiceburg-at least in dry times; for the town being on
the bottom of Shining River, was, in hard rains, commonly
under water, so that a conscientious man dared not then to
affirm  without a proviso, where Spiceburg was precisely.
North-east from us, some fifty long lonesome miles, was the
capital of the State-Timberopolis; the seat of the legislature
and of mortality. But death in later times there domineered
less. Whether the legislature reformed and refrained from uncommon mischief is not so easy to say. Parties are to this
hour, I am informed, themselves, dividedobn that subject-the
opposite partisans, however, exactly agreeing in this:-viz., that
the Ins are a set of ignorant, selfish, truckling, snivelling humbuggers, while the Outs are the men to save the state-mutatis
mutandis:-i. e., Ins turned out, Outs let in.
In different directions, from Glenville were also Mapville,
Mapbourgh and Maptown; in all which the difficulty in seeing
the towns was not owing to the houses, but the trees. A
woodsman could, indeed, sometimes find a single house-the
whole village: but as the citizens were absent hoeing corn or
the like, except one or more bare-legged babies fastened in the
luckey hunter, save for the name of being in town, might as
well be in the country. A traveller would now and then
stumble into a village of thirty or forty habitations but without
an inhabitant-the cabins standing empty and cold, like snailabandoned shells! For, know, that genuine agues out there
are often so powerful and merciless as to shake, not only




84               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
individuals out of their skins, but whole communities out of
their towns!  In this latter case, folks swarm  out, and re,
settle where the legislature appoints new hives, passing, however, a stringent law that the " ague shall shake them out no
more."
This, then, is Glenville, its suburbs, its environs, its neighbourhoods, its ranges-all on that grand scale belonging to
Nature in the Far West, where we have grand woods, grand
prairies, grand caves, grand rivers, grand bears, grand swinegrand everything! except, maybe, grand rascals; in which we
doubtless excel in here.
Let us next enter the patriarchal cabin. Here we become
acquainted with Uncle John Seymour and his two sisters,
widows-Mrs. Glenville and Aunt Kitty Littleton.  Here are
also encabined John Glenville and Miss Emily Glenville, the
youngest of the family.  Here too is a young woman for
help-in fact "the gal;" and here are to abide Mr. and Mrs.
Carlton" All in one cabin, Mr. Carlton?"
All in one cabin, Mr. Large. But a family you know is the
most compressible and yet the most expansive of bodies. Yes!
here we two and a half families endured the compression and
lost no breath; and even seemed to have a few spare inches of
room! And yet many years after, in a different part of the
world, did Mr. Carlton's own single family expand and spread,
and without any violent effort whatever, through a mansion
containing fourteen apartments, with cellars, and garrets, and
kitchens and all-and still fret for the want of room!
"But what led to the formation of your colony, Mr. Carlton?
-what induced gentlemen and ladies of your education and
endowments to settle in so remote an obscurity V"
Thank you, sir-the reasons alluded to in the commencement
of this history operated in our case as in the cases of a thousand
others; but it was mere accident that turned our folks to their
location in the New Purchase.
The Seymours at the close of the last war with Great Britain
resided in Philadelphia. Like others they risked their capital




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    85
during the war in manufactories; and like others, when peace
was proclaimed, the SeXmours were ruined.  John Seymourfamiliarly known among us as Uncle John-on his arrival from
the South, where, during a residence of many years he had
acquired a handsome fortune, found his sisters Mrs. Glenville
and Mrs. Littleton, in great distress, their husbands being recently dead; and having not long before his return buried his
wife-who however had borne him no children-he immediately
took under his protection the two widowed ladies, his sisters,
together with the four children of Mrs. Glenville.  Fearing his
means were not sufficient to sustain the burden providentially
cast upon him, at least in the way that was desirable, he resolved to remove to Kentucky. Accordingly, the new organized
family all removed to the West; with the exception of Miss
Eliza Glenville, who was left to complete her education with
the excellent and justly celebrated Mr. Jaudon.  With this
amiable and interesting creature-the young lady-Mr. Carlton,
who somehow or other always had a taste for sweet and beautiful
faces, became acquainted" Oh! Mr. Carlton!-do tell all about this-"
Not now, young ladies, something must be reserved for future
works.  But after the usual courtships, lovers' quarrels, scenes
and walks in the garden-Pratt's-versifications, notes on giltedged, flame-coloured paper, ornamented with cooing doves and
little fat dumpling cupids —in short, after the most approved
meltings, misgivings, misapprehensions and so forth, came the
customary Miss-taking-and with the consent of friends, east
and west, we were married.
It had been part of the arrangement that Mr. and Mrs. Carlton
should join the family in Kentucky, and that we should establish there a Boarding School for Young Ladies; but now came
a letter from John Glenville, that uncle John unfortunate, not
in selling a very valuable property at a fair price, but in receiving that price in worthless notes of Kentucky banks-which,
like most banks every twenty or thirty years, had failed-had
with his remaining funds, as his only resort, bought a tract of
government lands in the New Purchase; and, that, if I could




86               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
join him, with a few hundred dollars, in a little tanning, storekeeping, and honest speculation, we might gain, if not riches, at
least independence.  He added that maybe something could be
done in the school line.
Sorry so good a man as Uncle John-and the world boasted
none nobler-should be the victim  of fraud, yet strange! I
found mingled with the feeling of distress a secret joy that so
plausible an inducement existed for a life in the genuine, far
away, almost unfindable backwoods! Less poetic indeed than
her husband, yet Mrs. C. earnestly wished to see her relatives;
and so off we started, in Chapter Second, and here we are
waking up a little from  a curious dream, in Chapter Fourteenth. Some folks dream all the way through to the very last
chapter!
Here we found our new relative the Rev. James Hillsbury,
who had married Sarah Glenville in Kentucky, and was now a
missionary in the Purchase, to look up " a few sheep scattered
in the wilderness."  And to our great amazement here we
found too, Uncle Leatherstocking; for about him Glenville in
his letter had been silent, willing us to be, as all had been, taken
by surprise; because the family on removing to their new
world had found the old gentleman comfortably squatted in a
little nook of their territories, when he was supposed all the
time to be yet among the Indians on Lake Michigan!
At the time of our arrival Uncle John was barely recovered
from a very serious hurt received in the early settlement of the
colony.  In order to prepare a cabin he left the family in Kentucky and went to the Purchase alone; it being arranged that
the family under the care of John Glenville should join him as
soon as information came that things were ready.  But one day
Mr. Seymour, being with his guide in the woods, and in the act
of mounting a restive horse, the animal, scared by the sudden
leap of a deer, plunged and knocked down Mr. Seymour, causing the fracture of one arm and several ribs.  For six dreadful
weeks he there lay, under a shantee of poles and bark actually
built over him as he lay unable to be moved.  Some neighbours
set the bones and dressed the wounds, according to Mr. Sey



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    87
mour's directions, and then leaving the sufferer alone most of
the day, as was unavoidable, they brought his victuals at irregular
intervals, and slept near him by turns at night.  On one occasion, however, our wounded friend would have received a very
disagreeable visitor, but for the fortunate arrival at the moment
of a neighbour woman with his dinner-who exclaimed,
"Grammins! neighbour Seymour, if there ain't a powerful
nasty varmint coming to see you!"
The nature of the visitor was soon revealed to Uncle John;
for, alarmed at the approach of the woman, the " nasty varmint" close to the patient's head but behind his camp, raising
his terrific head, made at the same time the whole woods tremulously vocal with that rattle so peculiar and so startling. But
scarcely had Uncle John time for an alarm before the fearless
woman had stopped the music; and then dragging his dying
snakeship in front of the camp, she first measured his length,
more than five and a half feet, and secondly pulled off what she
called " a right smart chance of rattles" and gave them to Mr.
Seymour.  And this memento of his escape, Uncle John one
day as he narrated the affair, handed over to me to hang to the
sounding post of my fiddle-such being the western secret of
converting common violins into cremonas. I tried the experiment of course; but not being willing to take out a patent, I
now offer the said rattles to any ingenious Yankee, who wishes
to try the thing, for a box of clarified rosin!-the rattles count
sixteen and a button; just sixteen semi, and part of a demisemiquaver to every shake!
As soon as Mr. Seymour could be carried, he was conveyed
to Mr. Sturgis' house, and then he wrote for his family; who
hastening on through many inconveniences and perils, all arrived in safety and found Uncle John just able to walk without
assistance. But as to the cabin it was unchinked, undaubed,
and without its stack chimney; yet into that deplorable hovel
all were forced to remove and complete it at their leisure!folks that knew all about three-story brick houses in Philadelphia! and who had ridden in their own carriages, in the settle-ments of the Old Purchase! and promenaded Chestnut-street,
some of them haughtily, and proudly, and delicately!




88               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Ye that have paid twenty thousand dollars for a dwelling,
what do you think of a dwelling that cost twenty thousand mills?
-for that our cabin cost-and experienced woodmen said that
was too much-that Uncle John had been cheated-and that our
cabin could have all been finished off for ten dollars from the
laying of the first stick to the topping of the chimney!
Our cabin was a cabin of the Rough Order; for reader, the
orders of cabin architecture are various like those of the Greek;
for instance-the Scotched Order.  In this, logs are hacked longitudinally and a slice taken from one side, the primitive bark
being left on the other sides. The scotching, however, is usually
done for pastime by the boys and young women, while the men
are cutting or hauling other timbers.  The Hewed Order-in
which logs, like the stones for Solomon's Temple, are dressed
on purpose.  The Stickout Corner Order-the logs left to project at the corners; and the reverse of this, the Cut-of-Corner Order.  I might name too, the Doubtful or Double Order.
In this, two cabins are built together, but until the addition of
chimneys, it is doubtful whether the structure is for men or
brutes; and also the Composite Order-i. e., loggeries with
stone or brick chimneys.
But our abode was, from necessity, of the Rough Order-its
logs being wholly unhewed and unscotched-its corners projecting and hung with horse-collars, gears, rough towels, dishcleaners and calabashes! It had, moreover, a rude puncheon
floor, a clapboard roof, and a clapboard door; while for window
a log in the erection had been skipped, and through this longitudinal aperture came light and-also wind, it being occasionally shut at first with a blanket, afterwards with a clapboard
shutter.  Neither nail nor spike held any part of the cabin
together; and even the door was hung not with iron, but with
broad hinges of tough bacon-skin.  These, however, our two
dogs-of whom  more  hereafter-soon smelled and finally
gnawed clean off; when we pinned on thick half-tanned leather,
which swagging till the door dragged on the earth, we at last
manufactured wooden hinges; and these remained till the dissolution of our colony. The entire structure was, in theory,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   89
twenty feet square, as measured by an axe-handle. But the handle must have shrunk in seasoning; because our carpets stretched
inside, as will be described in the next Chapter, made the gross
length only nineteen feet two inches, and the neat length inside,
an average of about seventeen feet one inch. As our arrival
caused a new arrangement of the interior cabin, we shall start
on this subject afresh in 
CHAPTER XV.
" —-Qui miscuit utile dulci."
"-Which mixes soap and sugar."
THRIFTY housewives in cutting little boys' roundabouts and
trowsers always contrive out of a scant pattern of pepper and
salt stuff to leave enough for patches; but for the Glenvillians
it remained to subdivide two hundred and eighty-nine square
feet of internal cabin into all the apartments of a commodious
mansion. Hence ours became the model cabin in the Purchase.
And first, the puncheoned area was separated into two grand
parts, by an honest Scotch carpet hung over a stout pole that
ran across with ends rested on the opposite wall plates.
Secondly, the larger space was subdivided by other carpets
and buffalo robes into chambers, each containing one bed and
twelve nominal inches to fix and unfix in; while trunks, boxes
and the like plunder were stationed under the bed. Articles
intended by nature to be hung-frocks, hats, coats, etc.-were
pendent from hooks and pegs of wood inserted into the wall.
To move or turn round in such a chamber without mischief
done or got was difficult; and yet we came at last to the skill
of a conjuror that can dance blindfolded among eggs-we could
in the day without light and at night in double darkness, get
along, and without displacing, knocking down, kicking over, or
tearing    generally.
The chambers were, one for Uncle John and his nephew;
one for the widow ladies and Miss Emily, who, being the pet,




90               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
nestled at night in a trundle bed, partly under the large one;
and one very small room for the help, separated from the Mistress' chamber by pendulous petticoats.  Our apprentices slept
in an out-house. These chambers were all south of the grand
hall of eighteen inches wide between the suites. On the north,
was first our room  and next it the stranger's-a room  into
which at a pinch were several times packed three bodies of
divinity or clerical dignitaries. Beyond the hospitality chamber
was the toilette room, fitted with glasses, combs, hair-brushes,
etc., and after our arrival, furnished with the first glass window
in all that part of the Purchase. The window was of domestic
manufacture; being one fixed sash containing four panes, each
eight by ten's, by whose light in warm weather we could not
only fix but also read in retirement.
Thirdly, the smaller space, east of the Scotch wall, was subdivided, but like zones and tropics, with mere imaginary lines.
Front of the fire-place was the parlour.  Into it were ushered
visitors; mainly, however, to prevent curiosity or awkwardness
from meddling with the corners and their uses.
The right-hand corner was the ladies' private sitting room.
It was fitted with clapboard shelves; and on these were arranged work-bags, boxes, baskets, paint-boxes, machinery for
sewing, knitting, etc. The left side corner was the library; or
as usually styled-Carlton's study.
Our artificial rooms were indeed connected with some anomalies: for instance, under the parlour, was the Potato Hole!
And that held about twenty bushels.  The descent into this
spacious vault was accomplished by raising a puncheon, and
vaulting down on the vegetables; the ascent, by resting the
hands on the edges of the parlour floor, and weighing the body
up. Again, Carlton's study had in it a species of dresser-closet,
invented and constructed by the author himself. It was constructed of clap-boards dressed with a hatchet: and held books
in several languages, writings, plates, knives, fiddle, pepper-box,
flute, mustard-box, and box of rosin, and so on; while some
modest and light cooking utensils were lodged in the basement
story shelves. To conceal the structure was hung over as much




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     91
of its front as could be covered, an invalid table cloth, very
white and very patched.
The kitchen proper had, about ten yards from the mansion
house, a whole cabin to itself. Here were all the vulgar pots,
kettles, frying-pans, homminy-block, and the like; here the common cooking, the washing and ironing, and weaving, and-oh!
ever so many-common and uncommon things besides.  Pickling, preserving, cake-baking, clear-starching, sugar-refining, ruffle-ironing, candy-making, and all such polite affairs were commonly honoured with attention in the parlour.
Like most grandee people brought low, and "flitting" to the
West, our plunder was, like the Vicar's Family Picture, too
large for the house.  We had also no small quantum of envy
and jealousy-exciting articles, " the like of which had never been
seen growing among corn," at least in the Purchase-and such,
policy required should be hid.  Many things, therefore, were
left packed and deposited in lofts and outhouses. Still some
impolitic articles were unpacked, being, however, kept concealed
behind the curtain-like sacred mysteries from  the eyes and
hands of the profane. But an accident, soon after our arrival,
delivered the colony from part of these.
A  large, antique, and elegantly japanned waiter had been
nicely balanced on a shelf in the toilette chamber; and on this
grand affair were tastefully set numerous anti-tee-total glasses,
jelly glasses, remains of a gilded French china tea set, and ever
so many reliquice Danaum*-all regarded, I fear, with half repressed elation, as shining remembrancers of departed glory
and greatness.  Anyhow, more than once on my sudden appearance behind the woolly rampart, there was Mrs. C., and
even Aunt Kitty herself, a handling, and a dusting, and a refixing the relics, as devout as if all had been saints' bones-often
with smiles of complacency-but sometimes with tears!  And,
after all, perhaps, that was not so very unreasonable:-friends
far away now-yes, some no more on earth-dear fiiends had
once surrounded that very waiter-sipped tea from those very
* Danish relics.




92               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
cups-and in the fashion of bygone days, had drunk healths
from  those glasses.  Reader! may be you have shed secret
tears yourself over such things?  We think of friends then, do
we not? Mournful shadows of the past are in the vision! But
the Genius of the Woods was incensed: and mark the consequences.
One day Mrs. Seymour entered the parlour with a cake of
sugar-tree sugar in her hands, and nearly as large and heavy as
she could conveniently carry. After our unanimous admiration
of its size, and breaking off lumps to taste, the dear old lady
disappeared to deposit the saccharine treasure on the great
store-shelf constructed immediately over the waiter of idols.
Now oak pins are very strong, tough and tenacious, and of most
Job-like endurance-but the creatures will not bear every thing;
hence the two enormous pins under the store-shelf had repeatedly sighed forth remonstrances, as extra pound after pound of
hard soap, sugar, tallow, and jugs of vinegar and molasses, and
what nots, were cruelly and inconsiderately added to the already almost insupportable weight.  But to-day, when that
hugeous lump of sugar was suddenly added to the grievance,
the indignant pins would stick to it no longer: in a momentwithout one premonitory creak-off they both snapped simultaneously-and down came the soap and sugar, and tallow-down
came the store tea and the true coffee-coffee, and the rye-coffee,
and the ocra, and the spices in brown paper bags, and the pepper,
red and black in exiled tea cups! Ah! yes! alas! alas! and
down came that japanned waiter and its gilded cups, and conical
glasses for wine, and bell-mouthed ones for ices and jellies! and,
moreover, down went the dear old lady of the crimped cap, all
rolling, heaped, mixed higgledee-piggledee, into one bushel and
a peck of yellow corn meal reposing in a wash-tub, and thirtyone and a half pounds of wheat flour in a half-bushel measure,
below! So much can a big lump of unclarifie. backwoods
sugar do! Ah! had it been double rectified loaf, in blue paper,
of a conical form, and neatly bound with hard twisted twines,
dividing off circles and parabolas! But a lump of uncivilized
sweetness just turned out of a pot!-shame!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     93
Mrs. Seymour, however, was soon extricated amid the almost endless oh's-ah's-who-could-have-thought-it's-and similar exclamations, queries, reproaches and extenuations, pertaining to accidents created by ourselves: and happily she had
sustained no injury whatever, although the outer woman was
considerably well sugared, well mealed, well vinegared, and not
a little soaped! But the glory of the brittle ware shone only
in pieces-multiplied but not increased! Not an idol escaped,
save a little punch goblet belonging to the Carlton ancestory,
and at the time considerably more than a century old! and
whether the sagacity of age was the cause or not, this ancient
relic contrived to roll by itself into an untouched part of the
meal-tub, where, after the pell-mell ended, it was discovered,
whole and sound.  If any one is incredulous we will show him
when he calls, the venerable article yet preserved in cotton!
About the time of this accident, the venerable old pier glass,
suspended opposite the only door of the cabin, was threatened
with a very great danger. A neighbour having ended a morning call, that, according to the etiquette of the Purchase, had
lasted from a short time after breakfast till past noon, rose to
depart with the farewell formula " Well, I allow I must be a
sort a-goin'." Then off he started with great activity in the direction of the door visible. In other words, mistaking the open
door reflected in the glass for the true door, he began kicking
his heavy shod feet towards the mirror; but as he ducked his
head to clear the lintel of the scant door, he naturally encountered a rough looking personage butting against himself from
the apparent door-when round he wheeled, confused, but just
in time, to avoid stepping into the very bosom of the old reflector!
Such risk was too great for the glass to encounter again, and
so it was carefully re-packed and put away till we removed some
years after to Woodville; where, as it could be placed so as
to imitate neither door nor window, it was brought again into
the light and permitted to renew its reflections. Alas, then,
however, a dear face that had been familiar to the old mirror
for nearly three-fourths of a century, was seen pictured there




94                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
no more!  Young and joyous, and pleasant faces, have often
since peeped from  its bosom; but never one so mild, so resigned, so radiant even on earth with beams from the heavenly
world, as that venerable and venerated countenance, gazing now
and without a medium  upon the resplendent and ravishing
scenes!
Pulvis et umbra sumus.
CHAPTER XVI.
" Quadrupedante putrem quatit ungula campum."
"A horse I a horse I my kingdom for a horse!"-A
Four-legged, horn-hoofed, sod-shaking, galloping, live horse.
J. GLENVILLE and myself, not being able to complete certain
arrangements immediately, my first summer and autumn were
spent in learning two arts, the one tending to the preservation
of hides, the other, to the destruction of hides:-grinding bark,
and rifle-shooting. The present chapter is devoted to the former,
the subsequent, to the latter art.
Our bark-house was of the Grecian architecture in its infancy,
being almost wholly upright poles as columns, on which reposed,
when the grinding ceased, the calm moonlight horizontals, kept
from falling off by the crotches of the perpendiculars.  On the
horizontals were laid other poles, and on these the roof, the latter being with due regard made of bark.  Under this shelter
was our store of bark; mostly oak and chestnut, with here and
there a pile of beech; and here, at one end, was our-ay! what
shall it be called? Say, tanners and curriers, and all ye other
hide dressers?  Shall we say our bark-masher-or breaker-or
mill-or pounder-or tritterer?  However, I will describe,
and you name.
First, was a hexagonal beam. This stood up nearly perpendicular, its iron pivots at each end being inserted into iron
sockets fastened above and below; and by means of these
pivots the beam  could, when required, circulate with entire




THE   sEW  PURCHASE.                   95
freedom.  Next, into this hexagonal, was fixed at right angles
an hexagonal axis, yet free to move at the end inserted; while
its other end, passing first the theoretical centre of a wheel-the
axis there being wedged in theory immoveable —it continued
beyond the lateral surface of said wheel far enough to admit
fixtures for Old Dick-a quadruped presently to be introduced,
not fashionably and formally by the tip of a hat and the tip of
a finger, but in detail, i. e., from head to tail.
But the wheel!-ah! had we that wheel and dear Old Dick in
here to grind bark as a show! It came nearer perpetual motion, that is, when Dick was harnessed, and I had the rake in my
hand, nearer than any thing I have ever known since Redheifer's.
The article was composed of eight large white-oak blocks; the
four interior ones being parallelogramic, the four circumferential
being plano-convex; and all bound by long wooden pins driven
from the circumference, and by enormous clamps on the lateral
surfaces.  In this state of e pluribus unum, the affair was as
near a circle as is the earth to a sphere; and when art so closely
resembles nature wheelwrights should be satisfied. But when
motion began, the sections and segments not moving unanimously, circles were evolved whose circumferences did not
obey the definition, in preserving equal distances from the centre-nor did the centre stick exactly to its own point. Especially were these irregularities visible, if Old Dick became
fidgetty, or " suspicioned" I was going to rake him-when he
would jerk the whole concern with so sudden a vengeance, as
not only to displace the central wedges intended to conine the
axis in the wheel, but to threaten the dissolution of the whole
bark house.
The wheel-by courtesy-was fourteen inches thick; and its
circumference was pierced with many holes by an inch-andquarter auger to the depth of eight inches in towards the centre;
and these holes were armed with strong pegs or wooden teeth,
driven to the entire depth, and left projecting from the circumference about four inches each:-the whole thus forming as tremendous and effective an engine of torture as the bestinquisitors
could desire for the extension of the Church. Indeed, if any




9fi              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
saint, after his Holiness shall have converted our pagan countries, wish with young Doctor Oxford to break ungodly heretics, either on or under the wheel, for offences against the State,
ours would be the very dandy.  But let not Mr. Dominick
think Old Dick could have been either persuaded or goaded
to pull the wheel over human beings: hardly could he be
frightened or coaxed to pull it over lifeless bark! No! no!
godly people must work the wheel themselves; unless they
prefer a treadmill, or employ steam.
Lastly, the floor. This had the perpendicular, hexagonal
rotary shaft first described, as its centre, or thereabouts;
whence extended imaginary radii, some five, others nearly six
feet, rendering it doubtful if three times the diameter was precisely equal to the circumference. Still the circumference being
bounded by a border rising above the floor an average of ten
inches, the contents of the area could easily be known by the
wheelbarrow loads of ground bark carried thence to the vatsnear enough at least for a popular lecture before some institute
of practical science.
Another last word, however, seems necessary, about our
floor. It was of puncheons. Not, my friend, the puncheons
of brandy stores, distilleries, or other alcoholic abodes, but
back-wood puncheons. And these are a species of Robinson
Crusoe board, being planks from three to ten feet long, and
from two to five inches thick; and wide as the size of the trees
whence they are severally hewed by the means of axe and adze.
On such gigantic flooring do primitive Buckeyes, Hoosiers and
the like tread and sleep, after the departure of the red aboriginals.
But come, Dick, my nonpareil of "hoss beasts," trot up, for
thy history and portrait.'When this remarkable quadruped was foaled is uncertain.
No satisfaction on this point could be gained even from his own
mouth: not that Dick would utter a deliberate falsehood-that
was impossible-but still the answers he gave by his mouth, to
different experienced jockeys, made some say he was sixteen,
and others twenty-six years old!-I have known some even in



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   97
sist he must be at least thirty! and some even forty! I incline
to the opinion, however, that, like certain human bachelors,
Dick was of no particular age.
It is agreed by all that he was foaled, however; and in Pennsylvania, among the mountains about the Bear Gap. Here he
was brought up to the wagoning business, having served his apprenticeship with the famous teamster, Mr. Conestoga Dutchy.
Acting in his tender years as wheel-horse, he was so constantly
squeezed between the wagon pushing him forward from his tail,
and his master pulling him backward from his head, that his
longitudinal growth was very greatly impeded; and it could
be said, not that Dick was longer than any other brief horse,
but only not quite so short.  Happily, what was wanting to the
fellow's longitude was added to his latitude; and after all, he
had as much weight of character as longer horses, and, like a
French bullet, more too in a lump. On emergencies, although
Dick was educated as a wheel-horse, he could act in the lead,
and well understood the difference between the line jerked and
the line pulled-indeed, better, I must confess, than Mr. Carlton
himself, who often managed the line wrong, to the great jeopardy of his load; only Dick, out of generosity, would usually
go the way the driver meant, but for which in ignorance, he had
given the improper signal.
At the earnest recommendation of their mutual friends, Dick
was bought as a family horse by Uncle John, when in Northumberland.  Accordingly the fellow, after performing wonders on the journey from Philadelphia to the West, in hawing
and geeing, and in pulling right dead ahead up one side a mountain and holding back down the other; and after having ploughed,
and harrowed, and thrashed, etc., in Kentucky, came at last with
the family to the Purchase; where, at our arrival, he was
cherished as no unimportant member of the Glenville community.
Here he hauled logs for cabins and fires, and bark for the
tannery, went to mill both with and without the cart, and sometimes to meeting and sometimes to Woodville. In going to
mill without the cart he usually carried one man and two bags:
5




98               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
bag No. 1, full of wheat, bag No. 2, full of corn; and this was
always the case in freshets, for Dick forded creeks like a seahorse; although the things on his back might keep dry if they
could, his back being under water. As to being floated awayphoo!-preposterous!-Dick could stay a creek like a dam!
He could grind bark too and carry raw hides and hides tanned,
having no fears about his own! That was almost like the hide
of a rhinoceros, and would have resisted every process to transmute it into leather, patent or unpatent-and we used both.
But nothing so endeared Dick to his friends as his mental and
moral qualities. lie was for these worthy of the fairy age; and
had he lived in the days of Beauty and the Beast, I do think he
would have talked right out as well as the best of the brutes
belonging to the era. He was, among other matters, the only
horse that had a relish for practical jokes. Let any one leave a
nice flitch of fat bacon in the sun till the pot was ready, under
the notion too, that greasing a horse's teeth will stop his eating
oats, the rascal was sure to smell out and devour it! Let the
girl set out a swill for Sukey, and turn away a few momentsyou might catch sight of the tip of Dick's ear as he peeped
from behind the smoke house till the coast was clear; and the
next instant he would be gobbling the mess, lifting his blackbrown head to grin at the stupid cow, and with a keen twinkling
eye watching the return of the girl.  And when the help came
in a whirlwind of wrath not indeed on but with a broomstickbah! how he would heel it, snorting and showing his teeth,
equivalent with him  to saying —" catch a duck asleep!"  Or
when Dick was regaling on his own allowance of corn on the
ear, in the front of the inclined cart, and swiney ran grunting
up for a chance grain or so dropped on the ground, our wag
would on a sudden, with his teeth, seize the unschooled creature
just back of the shoulders, and then lifting him  up, shake him
so as to fill all Glenville with the squealings of terror or pain;
making it evident to all untutored beasts that Dick himself had
lived when the schoolmaster was abroad.
He was kind to men; but to women he was specially kind.
For fun, he would carry males double and even treble; but




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      99
females might be packed from stem to stern and the kind soul
would trot away with an evident care.  True, he would now
and then turn his quizzical head with a make-believe snap at the
dangling feet, but it was manifest all was sham from his peculiar
grin-his way of laughing-when any not acquainted with the
trick would scream or jump down.  When thus used for sport,
no saddle or bridle was needed; the passengers on the forecastle holding by the mane, those on the poop, by the helm, and
those amidships sittin, a la squaw, with ancles on both sides.
The steering was, however, done at the prow by boxing his ears
and then he turned at right angles with the slap. If fun was to
be made-indicated to him by a peculiarity in the slapping-he
turned so suddenly as to occasion the rise, the fall, and the
flourish of-hem! And indeed this was the grand recreation
and sport in the whole affair! and a ride on old Dick was one
of the inducements to the young ladies from  the neighbourhoods to visit Glenville! 
Oh! ay! you may suspend all this on your nose: but, believe me, in no way is the fear of the in-heres before the eyes
of the out-theres; secondly, folks will play; and thirdly, remember "de gustibus non"-i. e., "some love hog and hornminy."
But I must not make too large a picture; so with the mention of Dick's idiosyrcracy-for since the birth of Phrenology
that disease is quite fashionable-we shall for the present suffer
him  to trot away.  Like other celebrated persons he had his
antipathies: he never could bear the sight of a dead owl! and,
unless blindfolded, would never carry on his back the carcass
of a dead deer! And this, after carrying barn-hill fowls a dozen
at a time tied by the legs and dangling against his sides! and
tanned and raw hides innumerable!  Hence his enemies may
suppose it was all affectation-but it was no such thing —it was
real and uncontrollable idiosyncracy-it was his individuality.
Such then was our barkery, our bark, and our bark grinderand, such was old Dick.  But all in motion! Can one without
a black board and diagrams exhibit the cycloids of that uncircular roundity-the wheel! Can we without brass bands and




100              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
bad players make audible the skreaking of the ungreased
pivots?-the curious moaning and growling of the axis?-and
the dreadful cracking and crashing of the bark under the miniature Juggernaut? And who has skill to catch and fix on paper,
or canvas, the look and manner of that more than half reasoning horse-after resting the full hour I had been in chase of a
playful squirrel-starting off at the crack of the rifle, and
trying to prove by his manner that he had been going all the
time!
If any one is Hogarth enough when he undertakes this work
with "picters to match," let him not fail to illustrate
Old Dick and the Bark Mill.
CHAPTER XVII.
"Omne tulit punctum."
"Centre every time."
READER, were you ever fred with the love of rifle shooting?
If so, the confidence now reposed in your honour will not be
abused, when told my love for that noble art is unabated: nay,
let me whisper in your ear-'" What yet 2"
Yes-in the corner of my bed chamber a genuine New Purchase rifle! And all the forest equipments,-otter skin bullet
pouch with a tail gracefully pendeint-a scalping knife in a
sheath adorned with porcupine quills-a savage little hatcheta powder horn, and its loader of deer-horn, tied on with a deer
sinew and holding enough to prime a shot gun-a mould running three hundred and twenty-five to the pound-wipers-an
iron hook to tote squirrels-and some hundred and fifty patches
all strung and fastened to the leather strap of the pouch-ay!
and a pair of moccasins and pair of green leggins, and"Do you ever yet go a gunning'?"
Gunning!-alas! is that degrading appellation to be applied




OLID DTiCK  ST ARTS" IllS WHEEL AT THlE CRACK OF THEF RIlFLF.
Page I100.








THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   101
to hunting!-but how should they know?  Yes, I do steal off
sometimes and try to fancy myself in the woods.  But what
are these scrawney little trees fenced in to prevent cattle from
eating them down?  Where is a squirrel, or a racoon, or a fox,
or a turkey to hide? And where can one lose himself and camp
out?  No grand and centurial trees here reaching up to heaven
and sending roots to the centre of the earth!  No hollow
caverns in enormous trunks, where wolves and bears may lurk!
No vast sheltering expanse of tops where panthers and wild
cats may find security!  How  vain to think of crawling
through a thicket of undergrowth to the leeside of a deer, stepping with moccasined foot-stirring no leaves-cracking no
twig-shaking no bushes-till one can get within the magical
distance, a hundred yards. Nothing, nothing here, to excite
dread, call forth skill, reward toil, and show the independence
of the hunter.
True, I make-believe, like little girls, playing baby-house; I
-say to my myself, " Now, Carlton,'spose that old log away off
there was a bear?-or that tame turkey a wild one-or that
cream-coloured calf a deer-or that sharp-eared dog a wolf?"
And instinctively I catch myself with my side that way, drawing a bead with one eye into the hind sight and fixing the other
on the may-be game, and then, click goes the trigger.  Fortunate, the rifle is not cocked.  Indeed, these rehearsals are always without a load; if not, farewell to the integrity of the
little knot in the old log-and to the gambols of calf and doggood night to the eyes of farm turkeys and dunghill roosters!
In vain do flocks of black-birds and robins, and tom-tits
rise!-they might perch on my shoulders: for who but A
wretched dandy and shot-gun driveller, with a double-barrelled
gun, a whole pound of powder! and four pounds! of shot! will
fire at a flock, killing two and wounding twenty? To be sure
a curious stranger will sometimes meet us and politely request
to see " a rifle discharged!" and with an incredulous smile
wonder if a man can really hit a solitary single bird with so
"minute" a ball! And then we cannot but show off, and so we
begin with amazing condescension:




102               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
" Sir! do you see that little blue bird?"
" Oh! yes! that tiny creature on the next tree."
"'Tut, no!-that to your right, on the post."
" What! that away there? too far, sir, too far."
" Too far!-forty-five yards in a straight line!!"
Reader, we hit in any direction; but a horizontal or a little
below is our preference. The rifle is better balanced; and the
light, especially in opposition to the sun, is thus less dazzling
and makes the cleanest bead.  Hence I select, if possible, on
occasions like the present, a bird so placed as to render the affair
more like our target firing.
"Now, sir," —we continue-" I shall hit that bird."
"If you do, I will eat it."
"Then you will have your supper in a second or two."
And with that I set triggers-toss down my hat-feel for a
level with my feet-cock rifle-turn left side to the markraise the piece with my thumb on the cock-incline shoulders
back with knees bending outward-till the mass of man and
gun rests on the base-let fall the rifle a little below objectand then, ceasing to breathe and stopping my pulse-and bringing into the hind sight a silver bead like a pin's head, I rapidly
raise that bead till darkened by the feathers under the throatand the next you see is a gentle flutter of spread wings as if the
poor little creature was flying down for a worm or a crumb.
"Ah! sir, you've only inflicted a severe wound; but really
this is wonderful! I could hardly believe in this skill unless I
saw it."
" Well, sir, please pick it up; the poor tit is dead enough,
and never knew what hurt IjL."  And of course, reader, it
must be so, for the bird's head is off.
Such skill was of course not the work of a day. Ounces of
powder and pounds of lead were spent in vain first: and many
a squirrel, at the crack of the rifle, would remain chattering or
eating a nut, imagining somebody was shooting somewhere;
until conjecturing by the third or fourth ball pealing bark some
two or three feet from  him, that the firing was rather in his
direction, away he would scud for fear a chance bullet should




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   103
maybe hit him! But my heart was in the matter in those
days.  Hence it is no great marvel if in due time my rifle dealt
out certain death second to none in the Purchase.  What avail
then concealment in the topmost branches; there was the dark
spot of a body or a head amid the green leaves.  What! a retreat behind crotches or into holes; there was yet the tip of an
ear or point of a nose, or twinkle of an eye.  Or did a squirrel
expand on a small limb till his body above was a mere line of
fur on the bark like feathery hair on a caterpillar? in vain,
"the meat" was mine.
A squirrel once so stretched himself as to create a doubt
whether a squirrel was above the branch or not; but firing
secundlm cartem down he came, and, as was necessary, dead.
Yet wound external had he none; he had been killed, as is
often the case, although it occurred but once with me, by concussion; the ball having struck the limb of the tree exactly
under his heart.
Let none think we western people follow rifle shooting, however, for mere sport; that would be nearly as ignoble as shot
gun idleness! The rifle procures, at certain seasons, the only
meat we ever taste; it defends our homes from wild animals
and saves our corn-fields from squirrels and our hen-roosts from
foxes, owls, opossums and other " varmints." With it we kill
our beeves and our hogs, and cut off our fowls' heads: do all
things in fact, of the sort with it, where others use an axe, or a
knife, or that far east savagism, the thumb and finger.  The rifle
is a woodman's lasso.  He carries it everywhere as-a very
degrading comparison for the gun, but none other occurs-as
a dandy a cane.  All, then, who came to our tannery or store
came thus armed; and rarely did a customer go, till his rifle
had been tried at a mark, living or dead, and we had listened
to achievements it had done and could do again.  No wonder,
in these circumstances, if I should practice; especially when it
needed but the flash of a rifle-pan to set off our in-bred magazine of tendencies towards bullet-moulds and horn loaders!
No wonder, that, after many failures, even in hitting a tree,
Mr. Carlton could be seen in his glory at last, standing within




104              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
lines of beholders right and left, and at forty-five yards off-hand
planting bullet after bullet into the same auger hole! Reader,
may you live a thousand years; but if you must die, unless
somebody will save your life by splitting an apple on your
head-William  Tell size-at fifty yards off-hand with a rifle
ball, send for me-shut your eyes for fear of flinching-and at
the crack-go, your life is your own!
Old Dick is one hobby often mounted literally and maybe
now too often, metaphorically; the rifle is my other. But with
this by no means must we bore you: and, therefore, after narrating my famous shots in behalf of the Temperance Society,
we shall for the present put the gun on the rack over the fireplace.
Glenville and myself were once, on some mercantile affairs,
travelling in an acloining county, when we came suddenly on a
party preparing to shoot at a mark; and from the energy of
words and gestures it was plain enough a prize of unusual importance was proposed.  We halted a moment, and found the
stake to be a half-barrel of whiskey. If ever, then and there
was to be sharp-shooting; and without question, then and there
was present every chap in the settlements that could split a
bullet on his knife-blade or take the rag off the bush.
"Glenville," said I, seized with a sudden whim, "lend me
fifty cents; I mean to shoot."
"Nonsense! Carlton; you can't win here; and if you could,
what does the president of a temperance society want with a
barrel of whiskey 2"
"John, if I can find a gun here anything like my own, I can
win. And although I have never before won or lost a penny, I
shall risk half a dollar now for the fun of the thing, and to have
the satisfaction of knocking yonder barrel in the head and letting out the stuff into the branch here."
After some further discussion Glenville acquiesced, and we
drew near the party; where dismounting, I made the following
speech and proposal:
"Well, gentlemen, I think I can outshoot any man on the
ground, if you will let us come in and any neighbour here will




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  105
allow me to shoot his gun, in case I can find one to my notion;
and here's my fifty cents for the chance. But, gentlemen and
fellow-citizens, I intend to be right out and out like a backwoodsman; and so you must all know we are cold water men,
and don't believe in whiskey; and so, in case we win, the barrel
is, you know, ours, and then I shall knock the article in the
head. But then we are willing to pay either in money or temperance tracts the amount of treat every gentleman will get if
any body else wins."
To this a fine, hardy-looking farmer, apparently some sixty
years old, and evidently the patriarch of the settlement, replied:
"Well, stranger, come on; you're a powerful honest man
any how; and here's my hand to it; if you win, which will a
sort a tough you though, you may knock the stingo in the head.
And stranger, you kin have this here gun of mine, or Long
Jake's there; or any one you have a notion on. How do you
shoot?
" Off-hand, neighbour; any allowance?"
"Yes; one hundred yards with a rest; eighty-five yards offhand."
"Agreed."
"Agreed."
Arrangements and conditions, usual in grand contests like
that before us, were these:
1st. A place level as possible was selected and cleared of all
intervening bushes, twigs, etc. 2d. A large tree was chosen.
Against this the target shingles were to be set, and from its
roots, or rather trunk, were measured off towards the upper end
of the cleared level, the two distances, eighty-five and one hundred yards. A pair of very fine natural dividers were used on
this occasion; viz: a tall young chap's legs, who stepped with
an elastic jerk, counting every step a yard; a profitable measure if one was buying broadcloth; but here the little surpluses
on the yards were equally to the advantage of all. 3d. Cross
lines at each distance, eighty-five and one hundred yards, were
drawn on the measured line; and on the first the marksman
5*




106              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
stood who fired off-hand, while on the second the rests were
placed or constructed.  Rests depended on taste and fancy;
some made their own-some used their comrades'-and some
rested the rifle against the side of a tree on the line: and of all
the rests this is the best, if one is careful to place the barrel,
near its muzzle, against the tree, and not to press hard upon the
barrel. Some drive in two forked stakes, and place on them a
horizontal piece; and some take a chair, and then seated on the
ground, they have the front of the chair towards them, and its
legs between their feet, resting the whole gun thus upon the seat
of the chair.  Again, many set a small log or stone before
them, and then lying down flat on their —hem! they place the
muzzle on the rest, and the butt of the gun on the ground near
their face; and then the rifle seems as moveless as if screwed
in a vice.  In this way Indians and woodsmen often lie in ambuscade for deer at the licks, or enemies in war.
4th. Every man prepared a separate target.  This was a
poplar shingle, having near its middle a spot blackened with
powder or charcoal as a ground; and on this ground was nailed,
at its four corners, a piece of white paper about an inch square,
and its centre formed by a diamond hole; two corners being
perpendicularly up and down.  From the interior angles of the
diamond were scratched with a knife point two diagonals, and
at their intersection was the true centre.  With a radius of four
inches fiom this centre was then circumscribed a circle: if beyond this circumference any one of the allotted shots struck,
but a hair's breadth, all other shots, even if in the very centre,
were nugatory-the unlucky marksman lost.
5th. Each man had three shots.  And provided the three
were within the circle, each was to be measured by a line from
the centre of the diamond to the near edge of the bullet-holeexcept a ball grazed the centre, and then the line went to the
centre of the hole-and then, the three separate lengths added
were estimated as one string or line, the shortest securing the
prize. This is called line-shooting.
6th. Each one fixed his target against the tree as he pleased;
gnd then, each man was to fire his three shots in succession,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  107
without being hurried  or retarded.  We occupied, on an
average, to-day, every man, about fifteen minutes.
More than thirty persons were assembled, out of whom had
been selected seven as the best marksmen; but these, induced
by the novelty, having good-naturedly admitted me, we were
now eight. Of the eight, five preferred to shoot with a rest;
but the old Achates, the sapling woodman-Tall Jake-that had
stepped off the distances, and myself, were to fire off hand. All
the rifles were spontaneously offered for the stranger's use. I
chose, however, Tall Jake's; for although about a pound too
heavy, it sighted like my own, and went as easy on the triggers,
and carried one hundred and eighty to the pound-only five
more than mine which carried one hundred and seventy-five.
Auditors and spectators now formed the double lines, standing, stooping, and lying in very picturesque attitudes; some
fifteen feet each side the range of the firing, and that away down
towards the target-tree; behind which several chaps, as usual,
planted themselves to announce, at each crack, the result of the
shot. All this seems perilous; and yet accidents rarely happen.
In all my sojourn in the Purchase we had but two. The first
happened to a fine young fellow, who impatient at some delay,
peeped out, it is supposed, to ascertain the cause, when at the
instant the rifle was fired, and its ball glancing, entered his
head, and he fell dead. The next happened to an elderly man,
who was stationed behind a large tree, awaiting the report, and
who, at the flash of the gun, fell from behind, with one piercing
cry of agony, bleeding and dying:-the trunk was hollow, and
in and opposite the place where our neighbour stood in apparent safety, was a mere shell, through which the ball had gone
and entered his heart!
Well, the firing at length began. I have no distinct recollection of every shot. Now and then, a central ball was announced, and that followed by two others a full inch, or may
be an inch and an eighth even, from the centre; and once,
where two successive balls were within the diamond, the third,
by some mischance, struck on the very edge of the grand circle.
Balls, too, were sometimes planted in three different corners of




108             TIE NEW  PURCHASE.
the paper-very good separate shots-yet proving want of
steady and artistical sighting, or even a little experimenting
with the edges of the hind sight; which was owing, doubtless,
to drawing the bead to the edge, and not the bottom.
A  smart young fellow having made two very fair shots,
boasted so grandly about his new rifle, that a grave, middleaged hunter offered to bet a pound of lead, that if the young
chap would allow him, after the gun was rested for the shot, to
rub his hand from the lock to the muzzle, he would so bewitch
the rifle that she should miss the big tree. This was all agreed
to; and then, such as knew how to bewitch rifles rapidly retreated to our rear, and such as did not, were beckoned and
called till they came. All ready, the young man on the ground,
and his rifle on its rest, our conjuror ran his hand slowly along
the barrel, pausing an instant at the muzzle, and uttering an incantation, and then going behind the marksman, he bade him
fire when he liked. This he did; and marvellous enough it
was-the ball not only missed the shingle, but struck no where
in the tree! Great was the astonishment and mortification of
the youth; but as we magnanimously allowed him a shot extra
and without witchcraft, his countenance brightened, and especially when his ball now spoiled the inner edge of his diamond.
Perhaps you are curious, and wish to learn how to bewitch a
rifle? I will tell on one condition:-all the spectators when a
rifle is bewitched must be made to come to the rear of the firing
party.  Here is the recipe: let the rifle-doctor conceal in his
hand a bullet small enough for the purpose, and on rubbing as
far as the muzzle, let him adroitly as possible deposit said bullet
just within the said muzzle-safely betting any number of pounds
of lead, that whatever else the marksman may hit, he cannot
hit his shingle. N. B. See that the rifle to be bewitched has no
triggers set, and is not on cock; otherwise two tartars of a very
unpleasant character may be caught by the rifle-doctor.
One man only took to his stomach-the technical term was to
fire on his-hem!-but as his long-rest turned a little at the third
shot, the unerring bullet, following the guidance of the barrel,
stuck itself plump outside the circumference named, and thus




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   109
nullifying one true central ball, and one in the lower interior
point or angle of his diamond. Another man was still more
unfortunate. After two most excellent shots, his gun hanging
fire at the third, he bawled out, "No shot!" which being a notification before the shot could be examined and reported, entitled
him to another trial; but alas! the ball thus tabooed had
grazed the centre! Again his gun hung fire; but now he did
not veto; and his bullet was found sticking in the tree an
honest foot above the top of his shingle!
And now we, who fired off-hand, and thereby professed to be
" crack" shots-yet most marksmen make a noise there-we
began to make ready. We higgled a little as to who should
lead off; not to show politeness as well bred folks in entering
rooms and carriages, but because all were, the least bit however, cowed, and each wished to see what his neighbour could do
first. When that kind of spirit comes crawling over a body in
rifle-shooting, it must be banished in an instant. The effect in
oratory may be a very good speech-unless you stump-but in
our art, it is always a very bad shot. Our noble art demands
calmness and the most imperturbable self-possession; and that,
at the beginning, the middle, the ending of the exercises. And
so I said:
" Well, gentlemen, if you want to see where to plant your
balls, I'm the one, I think, to show you""Why no, stranger"-replied the old Achates-"I allow
that aint fair nither, to let you lead off. We're all neighbourlike here, and'tis only right you should see what we kin do fust.
I sort a suppose maybe it will save you the trouble of shootin
anyhow. So come, long Jake, crack away and I'll foller-and
arter, you, stranger, may shoot or not jist as you like best."
"Agreed, grandaddie," responded Long Jake, "so here goes."
And then Jake, after returning from the old beech, where he
had put up his target, took his rifle, left a moment leaning
against a tree, and with firmness and grace stepped on the line.
Two things and only two gave me hopes, viz: he shut his left
eye and held on the diamond without rising or falling perpendicularly to it: but then he held that rifle as if it were the true




110               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
horizon-and then-click-snap-but no report.  Lucky snap
for me!* I knew it must have been a central ball; but still
better for me-Jake was embarrassed a little.  Shaking out the
damp powder he primed afresh, and again began his aim.
Now, however, a very slight vibration seemed to glimmer on
his barrel, and when he did fire, I was not disappointed nor
greatly displeased at the cry from the fellows that leaped from
behind the target tree-" rite hand corner, grazin the dimind!"
Again Jake loaded, raised his piece, and fired at first sight, and
the cry now came —" centre!"  This increased my neighbour's
confidence, and happily lessened his carefulness; for sighting, as
he himself afterwards confessed, "a leetle bit coarseish like,"
the cry now was-" line shot, scant quarter'bove centre!"
" Come, grandaddie," said Jake to the old gentleman as he
walked up to the line from adjusting his shingle, " you must do
a little better nor that, or maybe we'll lose our stingo, for I
know by the way this stranger here handles my rifle, he's naterally a hard chap to beat."
This speech was occasioned by my handling the gun, taking
aim, setting triggers, etc., in order to get better acquainted with
the piece; and which experiments resulted in a secret and
hearty wish for my own gun.
" Well, Jake, I allow yours kin be beat a bit," replied our
veteran taking his position on the line. At a glance towards
his " toot en semrbell," Mr. Carlton, too, allowed he had met his
match-and, perhaps even with his own gun.  How grand the
calmness-as if in no battle!  How alive muscle and featureas if in the midst of enemies! There he is dropping his bead
-ay, his eyes both wide awake, and he raises the piece till that
bead dims on the lower point of his diamond-a flash-and
from  the tree-" centre!"  He was soon again ready, and at
his second flash, came the cry-" upper edge, fust hole!"-and
that cry was answered along the gradually narrowing and
* I am sorry to say it, but nobody in rifle-shooting is an Emmonite, ox even a TIopkinsian; he wishes his neighbour to make good shots-but not too good. And where
perfect first-rate marksmen contend, an accident only can give any of them the victory.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    111
crowded lines. by the whole company-" hurraw for grandaddie
-hurram aw!"  His third shot, brought from the tree — leee-tle tor'ds rite corner of dimind-jeest grazed centre!" and
was answered by-" grandaddie for ever, hurraw-aw-aw!"
"Carlton," maliciously whispered Glenville, " the stingo is safe
-anti-temperance beats!"
I felt honour demanded, however, a trial; and so requesting
Glenville to fix as I should direct my target, I stood on the line
of firing, sighting several times with open pan and no priming;
until the mark exactly suited, when I cried out-" stand clear!"
And now, supposing Jake's rifle sighted like my own, and
threw its ball a little above its bead-as indeed is best-I drew
ulp as usual, with rapidity, and let fly just as the bead caught
the lower tip of my diamond, the report instantly returned,
being-" inside lower pint of dimind, scant quarter, b'low
centre!"
"Blame close, stranger," said the old hero, "but I allow
you'll have to mend it to beat me."
"Praise from you, my old friend, is worth something-I'll
try my best to satisfy you."
Jake's rifle was now  understood: she sent balls exactly
where she aimed, and not as mine, and most good rifles, an
eighth of an inch above. Making, therefore, my front sight a
hair thicker and fuller in the hind sight, and coming full on the
lower angle of my diamond-" Centre!"-was echoed from
the tree and along the lines-" hurraw-aw! for the stranger!"
" You're most powerful good at it," said the old gentleman,
"but my line's a leetle the shortest yet."
"Well, my good old friend, here goes to make yours a little
the longest"-and away, along between the unflinching lines of
excited spectators, whistled my third and last ball, bringing
back the cry-" lee-e-tle b'low the centre-broke in first hole!"
But, while all rushed to the examination and measurements,
confined to our two shingles, no exultation burst forth, it being
doubtful, or, as the hunters said, "a sort of dubus whether the
stingo was grandaddie's, or the stranger's." In a few moments,
however, and by the most honourable and exact measurements,




112              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
it was decided that the old Achates had "the shortest string by
near about half the brenth of his bullit!"  And then such uproar rose of mingled hurraws-screams-shrieks-yells-and
outcries! an uproar none but true honest-hearted far westers,
unadulterated by foreign or domestic scum, ever did or can
make.
The hurricane over, the victor mounting a log made the following speech:
"Well, naburs, it's my sentimental opinyin this stranger's
acted up, clean up, to the notch, and is most powerful clever.
And I think if he'd a fired his own gun as how he mought a
come out even, and made up the leetle matter of diff'runce
atween us-and that would be near about shootin a little bit the
closest of any other chap, young or old, in these'are diggins —
and so, says I, let's have three cheers for the stranger, and three
more for his friend."
Oh! dear reader! could you have heard the old, dark woods
ring then!-I struggled hard, you may be sure; but what was
the use, the tears would come!
We both made replies to the compliment; and in concluding,
-for I mounted the log last-I touched on the wish we really
had to do good, and that nothing was better for hardy, brave,
and noble woodsmen, than temperance.
" Well, strangers, both on you," replied that very grand old
man, " you shan't be disapinted. You depended on our honour
-and so, says I, if these'are naburs here aint no objection, let
them that want to, first take a suck of stingo for a treat, and
then, says I, let's all load up and crack away at the cask, and I'll
have fust shot."
"Agreed! agreed! hurraw for grandaddie Tomsin!-hurraw
for the strangers!-hurraw for the temperance society!-load
up, boys, load up!-nobody wants a suck-crack away, grandaddie-crack away, we're all ready!"  And crack went old
Brave's rifle-crack, long Jake's-crack the brave Gyas, and
the brave Cloanthus-and crack every rifle in the company:
and there rolled the wounded half-barrel, pouring its own deathdealing contents through its perforated heads and sides, till




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    113
soon the stingo was all absorbed in the moist earth of the
forest.
Glenville and I now "gathered hossis and put out," highly
pleased with the events: and a few weeks after we were still
more pleased, at hearing that all the company at the prizeshooting that day had become members of the temperance
society.  If, therefore, any old-fashioned temperance society
wishes champions to shoot, provided " grandaddie Tomsin" will
be one, I know where can be found another.
CHAPTER XVIII.
"Thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn."-(Obsolete-since
the use of patent threshing machines.)
FRnOM the time of our arrival we commenced forming acquaintance with our neighbours.  And this business was promoted by the many "little and big meetings" held by Mr.
Hilsbury; for everybody-man, woman and child-was found
at meeting. Nor does it interfere with attendance, if it be rainy
or shiney, or mighty cloudy, or powerful skyey; but in all
weathers and seasons, and from all quarters of the woods, along
roads, traces, paths, or short cuts, come horses to the preaching;
bursting, at a gallop, into view, through underwood thickets of
spicewood and papaw, or clearing log after log, in a kind of hop,
skip and jump gait. Many.horses have two riders, called in
the Purchase "riding twice."  And some horses come with
folks riding even twice and a half, or may be thrice: for instance, with a man and his wife-the latter holding in her lap a
two-year old child, although the child is very often carried by
the father; or with three girls; or with one beau, having two
sun-bonnetted damsels behind.  Dick always figured on such
occasions with a cargo on his back that doubtless made a lively
impression on his feelings of past times, and of the loads he had
in his earlier days seen crammed into a Conestoga wagon: and




114               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
never, in fact, did he look so like a family horse as on Sundays;
when he usually carried so much of our family on his back.
In fording swollen waters, if the water came up no higher
than the saddle skirts, and if depending articles could be crooked
up or neatly packed on the mane, in plunged all, whether riding
once, twice, or morefold: nay, it was contended that the more
riders the better; the heavier weight preventing the horse from
being floated or losing his foothold in a strong current. But
if it was certain that the creek was " swimming high," then the
riders crossed on a log, the horse swimming with bridle held by
the rider.
Arrived at a meeting, "the critters" are hung to a swinging
branch of some tree; for such, yielding to the inquietude of the
horses, prevents the snapping of reins, and yet affords ample
space for the curvilinear play of the quarters.  Nor are the
horses at all backward in using their ecclesiastical privileges;
especially if we are favoured with " a powerful smart preacher,"
that is, a fellow with a very glib tongue, who preaches by inspiration, and has the wonderful power of saying nothing, or something worse, over and over again, for hours. Then the hung
animals, impatient, begin and carry on extra dancings, rumprangings, branch-shakings, and other exercises.  They champ
bits!-snap their teeth at neighbouring horses!-kick, as quadrupeds should, in quadruple time!-and stamp, squeak, and
squeal! In fact, they make as much noise and behave as foolishly as if they held a fanatical meeting themselves!
Often too, among the horses, are a few knowing old codgers
-and Dick, I am sorry to say, cultivated their acquaintancewho have slipped their own bridles, and are misspending the
time in eating off the bridle reins of quiet animals, or in kicking and biting, with most provoking sang-froid, fastened horses,
already furious and indignant.  Most horses when liberated
usually start home at full speed, inconsiderately leaving folks
that rode once or twice to meeting, to walk away in single or
double file, or to get a lift from a neighbour. Dick, however,
never ran home: he preferred, like lukewarm  Christians, Sunday visiting; and so went to see his neighbours in settlements




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   115
directly opposite the way to Glenville. Yet I must say he
never made the least objection to be caught and bridled againprovided you could find him.
Let none understand me to say that religious meetings in the
wooden world are not by very many attended from serious and
devout motives: yet there, as elsewhere, many attend such
meetings from secular motives, and some from very improper
ones. Numbers go to see their neighbours or to hear the news,
and not a few to electioneer.  A very frequent cause is to
"advertise strays."
Dignity is given to our pulpit gazetteering by confining the
business to the clergy; but in the Purchase, lay members, and
even " a worldling " give out notices: and that, not by reading
the advertisement in the reverential manner of the civilized
churches, but extemporaneously and orally.  Sometimes the
affair assumes the form of the question implied, as thus:
" Neighbour Bushwhack, living down the lower end of Sugar
Holler, would like to hear if any body in this here settlement
has heern or seed a stray critter of hissin, as his hoss-beast, a
three year old black geldin, come next spring, with a switch
tail, but a kind a eat off by his other colt, slipt his bridle on
Hick'ry Ridge last big meetin, and he aint heern or seen nothin
of him sense."
To which indirect query one or more neighbours rising up
will answer in this style:"Well, I allow the critter didn't come over here, as he'd
been heern on or seed by some of us-but if any body hears or
sees sich a stray, we'll put him up, and let neighbour Bushwhack know of it."
Perhaps a notice thus given and answered in a city church
would do as much to discountenance Sabbath advertising, as the
rebukes of the religious press. Try it.
A big meeting is often held in the woods in our delicious
autumns.  And nothing is more welcome to our young people
hard at work till then, and needing a holiday, than such a
gathering.  Then is the grand sparking time, and young men
go expressly as they say, to find "a most powerful heap of




116              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
gals!"  Nor is this curious heap of sun-bonnets and calico
frocks adverse to a little extra attention; and hence, compound
parties steal away at intervals to the springs, where they contrive accidentally to have a little meeting of their own, whose
merry and loud notes return as strange echoes to the voice of
psalmody and prayer.
A small meeting extra, is often held at night in a friend's
cabin. Then it sometimes happens, by reason of a storm  or
very long sermon, or both, that the folks conclude to stay all
night; and then if the author's memory is faithful, we used to
see what was called " a leetle fun."  Nothing immoral or gross
ever takes place; but certainly we had something more lively
than praying and singing.
The occasion offers to say a few words about the missionaries
themselves.
As a body, then, the missionaries in the New Purchase were
very excellent men, eminent in self-denial, in ardent zeal, in
endless labours, in disinterestedness. They were considered
Domestic Missionaries; but they endured as much as their
brethren in the foreign field, and that without the incidental
excitement and support derived from the eclat of a mission:
especially when the wood's preacher comes to depend for his
entire sustenance on two or more weak settlements, the aid
of the missionary society being declined or withdrawn.  For a
year or two an approximate salary may be paid, a few shillings
in cash and the balance in " trade." Still, educated men need
a few other articles beyond pork, corn, tow-linen, leather, etc.a few books for instance. And they are forced to go journeys,
and wish to educate their children. Nor is it, maybe, an unpardonable sin to aspire after furniture one degree above rough
cabin apparatus. Hence the missionary must have a little hard
cash; and hard enough for them, poor fellows, it is by the time
they handle it.
The outposts, therefore, must be either wholly abandoned to
profoundly ignorant, vain, empty, conceited, self-confident, and
snarling fanatical preachers; or proper preachers must do some
things that are secular. And if the New Purchases are aban



THE  NEW' PURCHASE.                  117
doned, then must they be cursed out there with inspired clergy,
such as are heard thus reciting their apostolic creed:
"Yes, bless the Lord, I are a poor, humble man-and I
doesn't know a single letter in the A B C's, and couldn't read a
chapter in the Bible no how you could fix it, bless the Lord!I jist preach like old Peter and Poll, by the Sperit. Yes, we
don't ax pay in cash nor trade nither for the Gospel, and arn't
no hirelins like them high-flow'd college-lamed sheepskins-but
as the Lord freely give us, we freely give our fellow critturs."
Hence a few of the true preachers betake themselves to
teaching as the least uncanonical avocation. And all would
gladly do this, if scholars were plenty enough; and, if after all
the extra labour in teaching, pay came not also in the shape of
fat-flitch, cord-wood, eggs, and butter. Most true preachers
and pastors are, therefore, compelled to enter some land; and
then after long and arduous toils they contrive to barter some
produce at the settlement store for sugar, tea, coffee, and paper.
But to jingle a few silver dollars, the parson must sell a cow, or
calf, or even a horse!
The proverb, "half a loaf better than no bread," applies
here; for if proper ministers out West do not, in very many
places, in a great measure maintain themselves, settlements
now half-served by those noble men would not and could not
be served at all. True, the folks out there might have husks
from fanatical fellows; but Christ's sheep ought to have pastors
and proper food-they are not hogs to be fed by the Devil's
swine-herds.
Very nice and classic essays used to find their way sometimes
to Glenville, which were full of very proper rhetorical words
against secular clergy, and commanding them to reform and
give themselves wholly to the work of God and the ministry:
essays no doubt well intended, but written, we apprehend, by
inexperienced young gentlemen, just married, and seated in the
parsonage in the midst of a well-furnished library. Sometimes,
too, such essays were penned by learned gentlemen, with sons
and daughters at good boarding schools; and the writers,
maybe, received so much hard silver per page, especially if a




118              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
prize essay; and our far east censors not only had the pleasure
of pelting our poor frogs, but found it profitable too.  In such
essays the Proton Pseudos was, " all pastors and preachers must
give up secular employments-their schools-their farmstheir merchandise-their trades-and imitate the apostles," etc.
In extraordinary times men are sustained by the providence of
God in extraordinary ways; and purse, scrip, and books in the
apostles' time were not needed; and few then had the care and
expense of a family, except Pope Peter!-and he, unlike some
Unholinesses, was wicked enough to prefer a wife to-hem!
And even in those days Paul, whilst aiding to erect a spiritual
tabernacle, supported himself at secular tent-making! It is not
improbable that Luke, the beloved and benevolent physician,
prescribed and took fees in emergencies.  M/ay, then, modern
ministers in no cases do secular things, without being subjected
to unkind suspicions, and not rarely denounced as merchants,
farmers, speculators, and even jockies?  Nay, many thus stigmatized are among the best of men; and that, however warned
by hasty young clerks and clergy, to look out for the doom of
unfaithful stewards! and bid to expect, after a life of toil for
the gospel, and after bestowing the spiritual without reaping the
carnal, bid to look out for banishment into the outer darkness!
Ah! ye hasty censors! God will never forget labours of love
in that far West or elsewhere; even if a preacher, to put bread
into the mouths, and garments on the bodies of his family, do
work secularly with his own hands!
Why this perpetual cannonade against the Clergy?  Does it
never occur, that the niggardly Mr. Miser, the close-fisted Mr.
Grip, the narrow-minded Miss Snarl, and the dishonest Mr. and
Mrs. Finepromise, may, at the grand assize, have to appear as
defendants, and show cause why the preacher was driven to be
secular?  Strange! passing strange, if a hunted, defrauded,
broken-spirited man, who, because he wishes yet to preach,
maintains himself, should, in addition to all his sufferings, be
decried and rebuked as faithless and money-loving!-as needing reform!-as passing to a severe doom and vengeance in the
life to come! Oh! you that, in one sense at least, are " at ease




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    119
in Zion," and have, therefore, so much time to buffet, go visit a
New Purchase!-and then write"Mr. Carlton!-keep cool."
Well, then, meetings in the Purchase were not always dry
affairs.  This very autumn, a two days' meeting was held on
Saturday and Sunday in the Welden settlement.  At the close
of the first day, while Glenville and Carlton were " setting the
toone for them," a heavy shower began suddenly to fall; and
as we clerks could not get out to secure our saddles, they became well soaked, hence after service we found seats cool and
refreshing as a wet sponge. We had been invited to spend the
night at a chieftain's: and as we were without umbrellas
or cloaks, and the rain kept mizzling away, we had a very
agreeable ride of it.  However, we were neither salt nor sugar; and we comforted one another with mutual promises
of a dry house and a drying fire.  But-ah! me! —our dear
good landlady, and expressly to honour her guests, had determined to have "things fixed!"-and a wet fix it was.  First
and foremost, the puncheon-floor had undergone a deluge, effected by pouring over it forty great calabashes of water, or one
great calabash forty times emptied! Then the floor had been
violently assaulted with stiff hickory brooms, till its dirt was
raked, and floated away to form an alluvion in the cellar below;
but much of the flood having eluded the swabbing process that
followed, there remained many Lilliputian lakes of muddy
water in the cavities and gulleys of the puncheons. Secondarily,
chairs, tables, benches, and even bedsteads, had undergone
Pharisaical ablutions: and although things did dry in process of
time, yet, as the good woman remarked, "Things were a leetle
dampish, to be sure!" Indeed, chairs and benches on which
persons of a sanguine temperament sat, exhibited, on their rising, a Mosaic of dark and light shades. Thirdly, when we
washed, before supper and dinner in one, we were offered a wet
towel to dry on! the lady apologizing for the anomaly, by saying, "Thar'd been sich a rite down smart chance of rain that
their wash wouldn't dry."  Of course this apology accounted
for the undried table-cloth at the meal; where, by the way, we




120              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
recognized, in the midst of other good things, and full of milk,
the republican bowl that a few moments before had enacted the
part of wash-basin. In anticipation of its complex, and yet desultory character, we of Glenville, instead of dipping, at the time,
our hands into the bowl, had poured from it the water over the
hands. All the guests, we must say, were not so considerate.
By bed-time affairs had become dryish. Still much vapour
hung in our atmosphere; and towards the arctic regions of the
cabin, matters were puddly.  However, ten of the company
were accommodated in the beds, and as many others-indeed,
I do. not know where: yet we all retired; when a spirited and
general confabulation was maintained till most of the trebles,.
tenors, and basses grew, some flat, and others muttering, and
there was a subsidence into a colloquy between two. At last,
one of these returning a mumbling kind of response, Mr.
Holdon, despairing to extract any more talk, cried out, " Well,
good-night!" which signal was followed by a farewell crackling
of bedsteads, and an audible rustling of " kivers;" and then all
lately so active and chatty, was turned into sleeping and snoring. Bah!-tell me not about the sleep of innocence! nothing
comes up to the sleep of a backwoodsman; and as to his snoring, beat it if you can! *   *   *   *  *
Well, I dreamed a dream. Methought old Dick was harnessed to our bedstead, and was pulling us through showery
bushes and nettles, and that I had the tooth-ache; and so uncomfortable all seemed that I determined, as is the case in some
dreams, to wake myself. Happy resolution! for whilst Dick
had vanished, and we were safe enough in the cabin, yet the interpretation of the dream was present:-a gentle stream was
trickling from above, through a hole in the clapboard roof, the
jeau d'esprit having already saturated my rag-pillow, and more
than a foot of the adjoining covers!-and, what was very remarkable!-I had the tooth-ache 
"Indeed!"
Yes! indeed. I whipped out of bed; quietly worked the
bedstead from under the unelectric water spout; doubled my
end of the bolster in place of the pillow removed; got once




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                  121
more into bed, and began to lull the grumbling tooth by hold
ing my mouth shut and breathing through the nose, and occasionally counting slowly and deliberately as high as a hundred.And in this laudable work I had at last succeeded, and was
sinking away into dryer dreams, when I was suddenly aroused
to my last and severest " trial by water," by a rude shake from
Glenville, who also thus addressed me:" Carlton!-are you going to sleep all day?-get up if you
don't want your boots full of water —"
" My boots!-my boots!! —man alive! don't let them get
any wetter-I shall never get them on-never!"
" Up, then-or Tom Hilton will clean yours as he has mine
-he'll dip them in the rain-trough."
Fortunately all were up and out but myself-and yet it
would have been the same if Queen Victoria had been theremy boots were not to be trifled with, even when dry;-what!
if provoked by such a ducking? I thought, therefore, of neither
man, woman, nor child-I thought only of my boots-and I
leaped out of bed without regard to the ordinary precautionsand holding up and buttoning as I moved, I rushed to the door!
and in the very nick of time to witness the catastrophe! Yes!
there on the muddy earth stood, sad and sullen, boot the first,
clean and soaked as a scrubbed puncheon; and there descended
into the rain-trough boot the second, up to the strap-stiches! —
"Tom! Tom!-why didn't you let my boots alone?-you've
fixed me now-I shan't get them on to-day!"
"Well, sir, I was only a sort a cleanin' them-they was
most powerful muddy like-hope no harm done, Mr. Carltin?"
" Well, Tom, thank you;-but I am afraid we have tight
work now-please let's have the articles, any how."
And our fear, reader, was not unfounded. Never, since the
origin of boots, and the abolition of sandals, was there such a
tugging at straps. It did seem as if, at last, the grand philosophical achievement would be effected, and with a leetle harder
pull we should, boots and all, be raised clean up from the
puncheons! And oh! what soaping of heels!-what numerous
and contradictory suggestions and advices from commisserating
6




122              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
and laughing friends!-tears in all eyes! Oh! the rubbing of
insteps!-the contortions of the os sublime!
At last it seemed necessary to cut the articles, as all ordinary
and extraordinary attempts to move them up or down had
failed; when, at the crisis, in came a Goliah-like woodsman,
who, understanding the fix, declared: " if them'are straps
thare would a sort a hold, he allow'd he'd pull on Mr. Carltin's
boots."  We agleed to a new trial.  Accordingly, Mr. Goliah
placed himself behind the patient; and then working two fingers
apiece into each strap-all he could get in-he did pull the
boots on, sure enough! And that he would have done if both
of Mr. Carlton's legs had been in the same boot, instead of a
leg per boot!
King William  was of opinion that thumbkins was logic
enough to make him confess to a lie-what, if he had tried the
logic of my boots! If the iron boot is any more forcible —
cannot stand it at all-I should scream out my belief in the
Pope and the Devil, or any other dogma of the particular
catholic church! The holy church will, of course, canonize a
man who has already discovered two efficacious ways to make
Christians-our bark-wheel-and now our boots!
Apropos! de botte, this reminds me of the Kentuckian saved
from the massacre at the Blue Licks, by a pair of wet buckskin
breeches.  He was pursued by two Indians; and on reaching
the river, was forced to plunge in and swim over.  Emerging,
he soon discovered that to run with his former speed, his buckskins must be left for booty: hence, he halted an instant to unskin himself, whilst his nimble foes had now reached the opposite bank of the stream.  But now the wet unmentionables,
half-way off, became obstinately adhesive, and could be drawn
neither up nor down-and the enemy coming nearer and
nearer     -
" Poor fellow!-what a dreadful situation!"
Very; and so he made up his mind, like a gallant man, to
die —in his so so's: but, to his amazement, his red friends, on
arriving, burst into loud laughter, and, instead of knocking him
on the head, they only spanked on the antipodes and took him




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     123
prisoner; and the Kentuckian, being ransomed, got home to tell
his adventure.
"Yes-but, Mr. Carlton, what has this deliverance to do
with the Pope and the Devil?"
Oh! nothing.  But talking of one thing, you know, makes us
think of another; and so we may end what was afterwards
called " Carlton's Wet Time."
During the present summer and fall, others of our colony
had little adventures.  For instance, John Glenville, in moving
a piece of bark to throw under the wheel, was bitten in the
wrist by a copper-head coiled under the bark; but, by a timely
application of proper remedies, he escaped very serious injury.
Uncle Leatherstocking also came something nearer being killed
than Sir Roger's ancestor, that had a narrow escape from being
slain in a battle by arriving on the field the very day after the
fight: for our uncle, stooping to examine a fine cabbage in his
patch, discovered a rattlesnake ready to salute him, and yet
time enough to leap back to avoid the favour.  And then a
young woman coming from Welden, by herself, to return a call
due to Glenville Settlement, just as she had reached the outskirts of our territory, was gratified by the sight, a little way
from her, of a lady panther, affectionately sporting with two
rampant pantherines-each as big as a pair of domestic tomcats" La!-and did she not scream  "
Scream!-Miss Peggy Whatmore scream! No, no! to use
her own language, she only "a sort a skued round towards oleman Ashmoresis-and didn't say nuthin to them, as they didn't
seem like wantin' to say nuthin to her-yet it was a leetle skary
as they was powerful nasty lookin' varmilts."
A missionary, also, coming to fulfil an appointment among
us, saw in the edge of our clearing " three barr," there being,
in western phrase, "a powerful sprinkle" of such shaggy coats
in our borough.  At this information, all our domestic and
neighbourhood forces being mustered, we succeeded in overtaking and killing the growling trio: and in due time, the
largest skin, properly prepared at our tannery, was presented




124               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
to the missionary; who ever after, till the day of his death,
used it as a saddle cover.
Perhaps we may here say, that at night, on many occasions,
were around us invisible serenaders, that gave exact imitations
of wolves howling, foxes barking, and owls screaming, hooting
and screeching, with interruptions now and then from sudden
cries and growls so strange that we could not say what bird or
beast precisely was designed or represented.  The whole, however, riveted the conviction that we were no longer dreaming
about the woods, but were actually living there; and, to be
candid, I had never in visions seen a single serpent, and could
not have guessed the wild beasts would turn out so very wild.
But to all things I got used, except snakes.
One night Mr. and Mrs. C. were on a visit at Mr. Hilsbury's; and, though pressed to remain till morning, and warned
of the danger in walking in the dark at that season of the year,
we decided on returning to uncle John's.  The path between
the cabins was only a few inches wide, and running through
high grass and tall weeds, was nearly invisible in the day: yet
having travelled it some half dozen times daily, we were familiar with every stone, stick and root, lying in or across the
path, and anything new there would be sure to arrest attention.
Furni.hed with a light in a small glass lantern, we proceeded
homeward, myself in front and my wife following, till at the
end of about two hundred yards, an unexpected root presented
itself, running seemingly from the nearest beech: but as the root
ought not to be there, before taking the next step I stooped to
examine, holding the light down towards the root-which turned
not into, but was in reality nothing more nor less than the head
and nec.k of an enormous rattlesnake!
Perhaps a novice, in backwood life, may be pardoned for
feeling a momentary sickness when the glare of the serpent's
eye fell on mine, as the rays of the lamp disclosed and struck
on his!  The distance between us was only eighteen inches;
another step, therefore, would have carried me over or upon the
rlptile! But no sooner had I said-It is a snake! than Mrs.
C., too alarmed to reflect, instantly from  behind clasped me,




THE  NEW PURCHASE.                      125
holding down both my arms; and thus allowing me neither to
advance, nor retreat, she at the same time began a series of
most piercing shrieks, to which as nothing better could be done,
Mr. C. added loud cries of " Hullow-ow! down there!-hullow-ow!!"
Of course, this uproar brought them all up from down there,
and a clerical visitor among the rest-Bishop Shrub, of Timberopolis.  In the meantime the snake had retreated or passed
on; and as there was too great risk in poking after him amid
the weeds and grass at night, and the central cabin was the farther away, our whole party returned, and all spent the night at
the parsonage.
Happy Erin! where snakes there are-none!
CHAPTER XIX.
- " Ab ovo
Usque ad mala-"
"From the cackle to the cluckle."
I WAS sitting one day, with Bishop Hilsbury, when, through
his modest little sash were seen two young men riding up; who
tying their horses, after a short consultation, advanced to the
door.  On this the Bishop whispering-" a wedding without a
doubt"-hastened to receive his visitors.
Evidently the parson had been. supposed alone; and my
presence seemed to disperse the courage mustered by the
youngsters, and they stumbled into seats in manifest distress.
But we soon engaged them  in conversation on land, timber,
corn, swine, muddy roads, dry ridges, high waters, and all sylvan tolcs: and on all and each, our friends rung the changes
of all the powerfuls, big and little; and all the chances and
sprinkles, the smarts and right smarts and right down smarts,
till they were talked, not out of countenance, but into it; nay,
till they had more than a dozen times-while the clatter lasted
-seemingly collected brass sufficient for their special affair to be




126              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
introduced at the next pause.  Yet alas! with the calm, returned the sheepishness; and there sat our rustics red as boiled
lobsters, not at anything said, but at what was to be said, and
grinning a smileless kind of contortion at each other, equal to
asking-" Won't you begin?"  Then they gnawed their spice
wood riding whips-wriggled on their seats-crossing leg after
leg, as if the legs were all equally opposed to being undermost,
till convinced nothing by way of expose was coming this gap,
off all set afresh on the circle of the old topics thus:
" Immense forests here, sir!"'" Yes-most powerful'mense heap of woods.  Allow woods
is most considerable cut off in them'are settlements you come
from, Mr. Carltin? They say you've no barr nor turkey out
thare, in Filledelfy 2"
"No: no bears on four legs.  But still we've a smart sprinkle of dandy out our way""Huh! haw! themn's the fellers with hair on their faces and
what goes gallin all the time-powerful heap a fun in that, Mr.
Hilsbury, though."
Here the speaker stopped short; for what he had said about
our hairy creatures was out of no disrespect for the animals, but
only to lighten hi j own load; but then he had found it still too
heavy, and broke down at the lift.  Retreat, however, now did
not offer, and so suddenly rising and winking to the parson, they
both went together into the yard, leaving myself and the other
young man in the cabin.  When outside, the groom-for he it
was, thus commenced:
"Well-hem-Mr. Hilsbury-hem!"
" Yes-Joseph-I think I understand-don't I "
"Well-allow, maybe you do."
"I was down in the Welden settlement, and I heard something about our losing neighbour Ashford's Susan."
"He! he!-yes!-well I am a sort a goin to git marriedand Susan's the very gal.  Well now, Mr. Hilsbury, Billy Welden's come along for groomsman and he's got the invite-I'll
just call him out and git it."
Billy accordingly was now summoned, and taking off his new




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   127
fur hat, he extracted the " invite" from the lining and handed
it over to the preacher. As the Bishop allowed me to see the
document as a specimen of New Purchase literature, I took the
following exact and literal copy:
"Rev. Mr. Hilsbury asqr.,-you are pertiklurly invited to
attend the house of mr. Abrim Ashford asq. to injine upon i the
yoke of konjegal mattrimunny with his dater miss Susan Ashford as was-thersday mornin next 10 aklok before dinner a. m.
mr. Joseph Redden
your humbell sarv't,
mr. William Welden, groomsman."
" p. s. dont say nuthin about this'ere weddin that's to beas it's to be sekrit-and to morrer Billy Welden's goin to ride
round and give the invites-and all your settlemint's to be
axed."
Next day Mr. Welden appeared in the edge of the woods,
being too much in a hurry to dismount and let down the bars,
and according to etiquette in such cases, he exclaimed, "Hullow! the house!"  Upon this, Mr. Seymour proceeded to the
fence, and on his return to the house announced the anticipated
invite."
And now as it is sometime before we go to the wedding, we
may properly in the interval introduce the bride elect and her
family.  Abraham Ashford, the father, was the patriarch of the
Ashford settlelent, which joined Glenville on the north-west.
After a life of omne years in a cabin of the roughest order, the
family had, within the past year, removed into a good two story
log-house of the hewed order; and hence, he himself being a
very tall man, and having sons tending rapidly upward to his
summit level, and having a two story house, neighbour Ashford
is to be regarded as an eminent man.  He had, too, scraped a
spelling acquaintance with easy reading, and that made him
affect the company of the Glenvillians-not so much I fear to
increase his knowlege as to display it. For instance, once on
bringing his stock of ginseng to our tannery, where we bought




128             THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
the article on speculation, Mr. Ashford, on laying it on a dry
hide, thus began:
" Well, Johnny, my buck, what do you allow sang's (ginseng)
done with out there in Chi-ne?"
" Oh! probably the Chinese smoke it, or chew it!"
"Well, that's your idee; but I knows better nor that comes 
to, according to my idee."
"What is your opinion?"
"Well, I'll tell you. A sailor-man was once out here in sang
time a buying up-long before you kim out-and he'd been in
all them parts about Chi-ne in a ship or the like-and he told me
all about what them fellers done with it."
" Indeed!"
"Yes-and he told me as how they biled the sang up, and put
it in to clarify their chany tea cups and sassers."
Neighbour Ashford was, moreover, a philosopher; but as his
views may perhaps expose him to a visit from the Inquisition,
I shall give no greater insight into his physical creeds, than by a
narration of our talk on the shape of the earth.
"Mr. Ashford," said Glenville, one day I was present, "I
wish you would let Carlton here understand your idea about
the shape of the earth; he's just from college and don't think
as you do."
" Well, Johnny, my buck, I'm willing to talk with Mr. Carlton, or any larn'd man; and I've no idee this here world of ourn
is round. Them's my sentiments, Mr. Carlton."
"' I do not quite agree with you there, Mr. Ashford; 1 have
been taught that our earth is an oblate spheroid!"
"Oh! I don't know nuthen consarnin high-flow'd diksionary
shapes; all my idee is the world's not ublate, nor no sort of
round, and I kin prove it straight as a rifle."
"I only meant to say I was taught to think the world was a
sort of roundish; but I'm ready to give up if you can prove as
you say."
" Well, I'm powerful glad to see, Mr. Carlton, you aint proud
for all your high larnin-and so I'll jist tell you how I kim to
find it out. You see, sir, I was one day a ploughing with them




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    129
two brown mares, to put in corn, and as we ploughed along, I
gets into a solelo'que on this diffikilt pint, and so sez 1 to myself, sez I, what's the use in fillosofers a sayin our world's
round.  Don't my ole-womin's dry apples git off the plank and
then role rite down, smack down the pitch of the ruf'Cos
why?  Why'cos it aint flat.  And so I argefied the pint agin
this way; sez I, kin a feller go spang up the round of a big
punkun?  And then I stops the mares; and sez, wouldn't this
here plough and them'are hoss-beasts role down like the dry
apples if this here world was round like a big punkun-and
aint it more powerful harder to get up and stick on a big round
thing nor a little one? And then I jist minded-and I slapp'ed
agin my head so-action to word-and I hollows out aloud, so
that the mares started to go-but I cries' woh! won't you'and they stops agin-and I kept on a hollowin-' I've got it!
I've got it!'-and slaps rite off to make tracks home-and
when I gets in, sez I to the old womun,'Molly,' sez I,'hand
us the ole book-I've got it!'' Got what, Abrum?'-sez she.'Why hand us the ole book, I tell you,' sez I.  (During the
progress of his lecture,* Mr. Ashford had taken up our family
bible; and now with his finger resting on the third verse of
Genesis, he did, on a sudden for me, what he had previously
done for his wife.)  And so she hands me the ole book, and I
lays it out afore her jist so-opening and spreading the book
before me-thare sir, thare, read that thar varse-it's proved
from  the Bible, sir-thare read that are! viz:-' And the
earth was without FORM!' sir."
Here we held down our head as close to the page as possible,
as if absorbed in thought and inspecting the words most closely,
till with an unsteady voice we could reply:" I confess, Mr. Ashford, I never did see the passage in that
light before; and it only proves that plain men, if left to themselves, will often discover what learned folks never can; but
what shape is the earth do you say?"
" Do I say?-why does'nt the ole book itself say the earth
* Could not some Lyceum send for Mr. Ashford?
6*




130                THE  NEW  PURCHASE,
aint no shape at all?  it's got no form-it's nuthin but a grate
stretched along place like a powerful big prararee without any
ind-yes, sir, and as flat as a pancake."
"True, Mr. Ashford, and the Bible says also the earth is
VOID!-empty, sir, and hollow as a nut-shell!"
For a moment Mr. Ashford was staggered at so unexpected
an addition to his theory; he seemed alarmed at the utter
emptiness of a shapeless earth!  Yet at the very next logrolling, he proclaimed both Glenville and Carlton to be converts
to his' idee,' adding in the latter gentleman's praise, " he wan't
nere so stuck up a feller as folks said."  And so, reader, we are
Amorphorites; with more belief, however, in the emptiness of
the world, than in its want of sh/apes.
As to the sun, Mr. A.shford had a peculiar and original
theory; "I am," said he, "sentimentally of opinion that the
sun, after all, is nothing but a great shine!"  Like many other
forest Patriarchs, our neighbour often did his own preaching;
being in advance of this age, when we all do our own doctoring,
write our own poetry, tales, essays, and every man is his own
lawyer; and of course in theology, like people in an enlightened era, he had his own notions.  Hence, in one discourse
about the good Samaritan, he took occasion to illuminate us as
to its "Speretil meaning;" and among other things said, "some
folks think that the two pennies left the Jerikoo man, was
nuthin but cash pennies-but my friends, there's a speretil and
bettersome idee:-one penny is the law, and tother's the gospel."
The Ashfords were, however, remarkable for nice housekeeping, and for cleanliness of person.  And the rose of our
wilderness was Susan Ashford, the intended bride.  Ignorant,
indeed, she was of all things out of the woods; but she was of
good natural capacity, merry disposition, lofty notions, and
withal a very pretty and modest maiden.  From  the first, she
took a strong liking for the Glenville people; and was evidently
glad to find friends able and willing to teach her many important matters of which she frankly and voluntarily would confess
her ignorance.  And as far as her mother would permit, Susan
by degrees conformed their own domestic economy and fixtures




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    131
to ours, defending us whenever her mother would object, and
intimate that the " Glenville folks were, maybe, a leetle prouder
nor they should be."
Susan had, of course, many offers; yet as she told Emily
Glenville, her confidante-" she'd no idea of marrying any rough
body without no more manners than a barr; and for her part
she'd have somebody that know'd how to dress up on Sundays
in store cloth and yaller buttons, a sort a gentleman like."
Now Susan did not really think that dress made the man;
she did only think, and properly think, that no decent young
fellow would on proper occasions boorishly neglect his dress,
and especially when he came a courting.
One answering externally became a suitor. He was morally,
however, unworthy Susan; and her escape was owing to his
personal dirtiness-with which a curious accident made her acquainted. She caught sight of his naked feet, as he in a moment
of forgetfulness took off his shoes in her presence; upon which
she declared next day to Emily Glenville, "that she never
would have such a dirty feller, if he did wear store cloth and
yaller buttins."  This fellow, a pretty well educated Scotchman,
had courted some by letters; which the Ashfords not fully
comprehending, had now and then brought to Emily to be deciphered, especially the letter in which the suitor said, "he had
a predilection for his mistress!"  On this occasion, Susan remarked, " there was sich a powerful heap of diksenery words,
she could't quite see the drift on'em." Happily the above accident saved our protege from a disastrous union with an atheist
and a distiller.
But now Joseph Redden was accepted; a very honest, industrious, and upright young man; and who not only dressed
up to Susan's rule, but more than that, he kept, about twentyfive miles distant, a small store himself, and sold store cloth
and yellow buttons to others. And thus Susan, and all her old
friends, and we her new ones, were well satisfied.
In due time the wedding-day came. Mr. Hilsbury, however,
had not yet got home from a missionary tour, and we of Glenville were forced to set out without the bishop, but in hopes he




132              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
would be yet in time at Mr. Ashford's.  Between our settlement and his, the distance was little more than two miles; and
for want of conveyances enough for all, it was concluded in a
general assembly of our colony the day before, that the ladies
and helps of the borough, should ride to the wedding, and the
gentlemen walk. And so we took up the line of procession
thus:1. Uncles John and Tommy in the van. Their business was
to keep the true course through the woods, clear away brush and
let down fences.
2. Mrs. Glenville and Aunt Kitty riding twice on Kate, the
celebrated gray mare-queen of horses (genus).
3. The Rev. Mistress Hilsbury on a borrowed nag; the lady
with an infant in her arms, and a little girl for nurse behind.
4. Mrs. Carlton, Miss Emily, and Aunt Nancy, on our spotted mare, called Freckled Ginney.
5. Last of the cavalry, Old Dick, with all the help of the
colony-i. e., three gals riding thrice.
6. Glenville and Carlton closed the rear. Our business was
to put up fences, see the ladies get along in safety, and, above
all, to keep Dick from  lagging.  For like grave personages
familiar with Chesterfield, Dick was rarely in a hurry; on the
contrary he usually stepped with a very solemn swing, as conscious men's eyes were upon him and of his weight in society.
And yet after a very long sermon he would sometimes hasten
home with an irreverent impatience; and always on rounding
a certain sink hole, whence could be caught a glimpse of the
stable, our hero, and without consulting the friends who were
kindly backing him, would suddenly pitch into a gait compounded of every pace and shuffle ever learned in his youth or
since taken up extemporaneously.
Once Dick had been loaned to the bishop's wife; and on our
return from church-all persuasives from the lady's heel and
Mr. Carlton's toe-all stripes from beech rods and leather whip
-all cherrups and get-ups and even old-rascals-you —all snapping of bridle reins tb bring to his recollection Conestogo whipcrackings-all, all were in vain!-Dick only grinned or gave a




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    133
double flourish with his tail, crawling along and dragging leg
after leg, till they seemed always in motion and yet always
stock-still! But unexpectedly to us he reached the favourite
sink hole; when, giving a sudden sneeze and slapping my beast
in the face with his tail, away he darted into the nondescript
gait above named-but very much as if caco-demons had somehow got possession of his carcass. The dry leaves of autumn
were then plenty, and the fellow got them into such a lively,
excited, and noisy state, that we riders, only ten feet apart,
could hear nothing said by one another: hence, after useless
efforts to be heard in answer to the lady's voice coming to me
in a high screech-key, I kept only at last rising in my stirrups,
opening the mouth very wide and supporting the jaw with one
hand, so that a distorted face seemed in the agony and effort of
loud and earnest delivery-but yet uttered not a word.
"Nonsense! Mr. Carlton"Granted, my dear Mr. Graves: but are we back-woods'
people to have no funll   And if we are to have any, how shall
we have it unless we create it?  You have concerts, and balls,
and popular lectures till they become unpopular-and jest
books-Lady's Book-Gentleman's Book-Boy's Book-and
organs in churches, and candy-shops and oysters, and what not?
And we are to mope to death in the woods-hey?  Believe
me, we learn out there to make our own sports, and contrive to
extract something pleasant from the empty roar of autumnal
leaves shuffled and kicked into harmless tempest by old Dick's
horse-heels.  And further, dear Mr. Strutell, all this requires
more ingenuity, and even a calmer conscience, than every body
has
" But you started for the wedding."
We did; but we had two miles and more to go-and here
is the place-and we shall resume the narrative.
The wedding-party were all assembled and expecting our arrival. And now, Mr. Ashford came to meet us, expressing his
regret at the failure of Mr. Hilsbury to be present; but as
several other preachers were present, he suggested that it would
be best to proceed with the ceremony. In this we coincided,




134               TIHE  NEW  PURCHASE.
and so preparation was made for it, the Rev. Diptin Menniwater being selected in place of Bishop Hilsbury.
And, soon, then, we were all paraded in the large room, in
which the company was compactly rowed along upon benches,
as noiseless and solemn as in "meetin':" and hence we men of
Glenville went squeezing around, and among, and into, shaking
hands with all that could be got at, and nodding and smiling,
and winking at such as could not be felt and handled, till places
were found, if not to sit in, yet to stand in, and where we
waited in laudable patience for the descent of the bridal party
to destroy the oppressive and dead calm that succeeded. The
solemn stillness was indeed, now and then broken by some
lagger who administered the usual slap to the door, and uttered
the visiting formula already named-but that was only an interruption like pitching a pebble into a smooth, deep lake.  At
very long last Mrs. Ashford, going to foot of the steps-a compound of ladder and stairs-called to those in the upper
room:-'"W6ell, if any body up thare's got a sort of notion to get
married to-day, I allow thare's no time to lose, no how."
This was answered with a species of giggle-sniggering by
parties in both stories; and in the midst commenced above a
shuffle movement, as if something might be expected below
pretty quick.  And soon was placed in descending order, first,
a pair of shiney new  calf-skin boots, with thin soles; then,
secondly, only a step higher, a pair of bran new morocco slippers, with ancles in white stockings; and then, thirdly, at suitable intervals, second pairs of shiney dittos, and moroccos, and
ancles.  These omens were instantly succeeded by coat tails
hooked on men's arms, and white frocks held aloof from soiled
stairs-all which matters were plain enough to us behind the
stairway, it having no flooring or back, till the principal actors
had all descended bodily, and stood among us propria person —
i. e., as large as life.  Whether from  ignorance or etiquette,
the groom  and his attendant, instead of being leaned upon,
rested their own arms on those of the two ladies, the bride
and her maid-as if each man had hooked a woman, and was




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    135
determined to hold her fast for a wife, after the trouble of
catching.
The Rev. Mr. Menniwater, a piteous looking personage,
humble as a drowned rat, was now seen to emerge from behind
one of the back benches, whither he had slunk away, to nurse
his courage for the grand duty; but unable to come near the
parties at the foot of the stair-ladder, he remained where he
was, and began to cry out his part, as if engaged in out-door
preaching, only with unusual rapidity, lest his speech should be
forgotten before it could all be delivered-thus:" Well-are you goin' for to take-sir-that womin-sira holdin' by the hand-sir-for a lawful-covenint wife, sir?"
To this question direct, the groom and groomsman both returned nods; although the real man added an audible-" Yes, I
am," giving, too, a visible pinch to Susan's arm; equivalent to
an exhortation and admonition that it was next her turn.
" Well-are you goin' for to have-hem! ma'an!-that
thare man —ma'am!-a holdin' on your arm-for to be your
lawful covenint-man —hem!-husband, ma'am?"
Here both ladies made a courtesy-kurtshee-but Susan
added the affirmative; upon which the parson repeated the following closing form:"Well, I say, then, by authority of this here license fiom the
clark of our court, as how you're both now-man and womanthat is-hem!i-as how both of you are married, young folks,
and no body's no right to keep you asunder."  Upon which,
greatly terrified, our preacher instantly demanded something to
drink; not that he needed any thing from thirst, but fiom embarrassment, and to cover his retreat.
But the Rev. Mr. Menniwater's call for drink, was the signal
that the matrimonial meeting was out; and the kissing of the
bride was set going by the ladies of Glenville, who-for mere
example's sake, however-were followed by the gentlemen of
Glenville. And two of these gentlemen, I think, extended their
salutation to the bride's maid, which was so encouraging to the
groomsman, and other shy chaps, that they, with one consent,
began to salute the brides that were to be: so that affairs were




136              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
soon as completely uproarious and screechery as in a fashionable, high-bred evening party, with one good piano and some
three dozen vocalists, professors and amateurs of singing and
talking. At last the girls put out, followed by the beaux; and
none were left in the room but we old folks-married peopleand the young couple.  And then came on all the old, racy, and
original jokes and sayings on such occasions, with some new ones
in regard to the "man and woman," made by Mr. M.; whose
inveterate habit of " old manning," etc., had forced him to substitute man and woman for husband and wife, in concluding the
ceremony.  One very smart neighbour body so, persisted in
calling the whole no ceremony at all, that poor Susan was half
persuaded she was hardly married; and had we of Glenville
fomented the affair, and Mr. Hilsbury been present, Susan, I
do think, would have had the marriage ceremony over again.
It was now noon, and dinner-the grand affair-was not to
be till near three o'clock, p. M.-although every body, man,
woman, boy, girl, help, domestic and hired and volunteer, hands
and legs, were all ferment in hastening this catastrophe of our
drama.  And truly drama it was, if action and motion pertain
to its essence.  Here a boy was ferociously cutting woodthere one toting wood: here a man and two women getting a
fire in full blast out of doors-there two men and one girl
blowing up one within: and then rushed by a whirlwind of petticoats, with one featherless turkey, or two featherless hens, affectionately hugged along to dutch ovens and. skillets! Some
carried and fixed tables, pushing and kicking and jamming at
them  till they consented to stay fixed, and not to coggle!
Some fixed rattling plates, clattering knives, and ringing bowls
on stout table covers which were at the same moment jerked
by others, till they " came a sorter strate!"  And there was
Mr. Ashford, jun., with his rifle, decapitating extra fowls, the
company proving much larger than had been expected! For
on these hearty and solemn occasions every body is welcome,
who comes as an umbra to a neighbour, or acts as his own
shadow and shade; and every body is stuffed with as much as he
will hold; so that all sorts of feathered creatures suffer for the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   137
wedding dinner, and in great numbers, it being long before a
wholesome backwoodsman ever cries, " Ohe jam satis!" about
the same, as the classic reader knows, as crying out, " Well!
I've a-hem!-full!"
The whole clearing evidently enjoyed a saturnalia.  Wagons
and carts and sleds rested from rolling and screeching; gears
of leather and gears of elm-bark hung crooked and unstretched
on fences and projections of out-houses; and ploughs lay peaceful, with polished shares gleaming in sunshine. The animals
manifestly enjoyed the affair; hens of maternal character
clucked'mid late broods, and some wallowed in dust; geese
hissed; ducks quacked; and dogs, in all quarters, ran, barked,
and wagged their very tails for gladness; while shaggy horses
peeped in wonder over bars, or hung tenderly about the barn
and corn cribs.
Adjacent the house was a yard; and this being swept daily
with wooden brooms and tramped, had become denuded of
grass, and hard and clean as a puncheon floor. Here we now
all walked, ran, jumped, joked, told tales, made brags and bets
-tickled folk's ears with timothy heads-quizzed chaps about
marrying-chased girls going to the spring for water, or to the
milk house, and ever so many funny things beside. And, what
was wonderful! the girls went every five minutes to the spring
or milk house! and came too through the front yard! when, if
they had thought, the way out of the back door was much
shorter and more direct! And then such a sprinkling of water
from little calabashes and tin cups and ox horns! And such a
hanging of dish-cloths and milk-strainers on the " yaller buttins"
of the hinder man! And the laughing!-and the rifle-shooting!-in a word, we-author included-were most decidedly,
and most vulgarly happy, joyous, and chock full of fun and
frolic.
Of course all this was too much for Old Dick to stand and
look at all day: hence, contriving to ease off his bridle and
then to work over the fence, or may be under it, there, sure
enough, in the midst of our sacred enclosure, suddenly stood
his impudence, and as if we were his " feller critturs!" He




138              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
was no stranger, however, to the company, and his self-introduction was hailed with more than three cheers; it being well
known he would contribute his share to the entertainment.
Accordingly, like a favourite dog, he was fed with bits of bread,
both corn and wheat, and with slices of fat pork and pieces of
fresh beef; which latter he would only chew awhile, like tobacco, and then eject. He was then smoothed and slapped and
called names-then pulled by the tail-pinched on the earsmade to grin-and then jumped on and jumped over; till at
last girls were packed and stowed upon him, and nothing was
visible of the favourite but four horse-legs, moving under frocks,
and a tail wagging and flourishing happily among chintz and
morocco-the whole a most grotesque feminine centaur! But
when we packed the fellow with men and boys, he would either
shake or bite them off; and if these contrivances failed he would
suddenly lie down, and then the compound rollings were uncommonly entertaining.
Three chaps now mounted Dick, fully resolved to make him
ford the creek, here about ten yards wide and some two feet
deep.  By dint of coaxing and kicking, and pulling and pushing, by the riders and the company, Dick was got into the
water, when he splashed on voluntarily to the middle-but
farther than that, not an inch. No —there he halted, and stood
fixed as a river-horse that had grown up on the spot! And vain
all entreaties, cuffings! kickings! vain all combined hallooings!
vain all pelting with clods and stones!-all latherings with long
bean poles!-he was wholly unbudgable! At last, however, he
did move; and so did his riders, who hastily slipped offinto water
more than knee deep, preferring that to a roll in the creekDick having exhibited the premonitory symptom of performing
that ceremony; and then they, amid no small uproar of laughter
from the whole assembled "weddeners," waded to the bank.
"But Dick, what did he?"  Sure enough-why he speedily betook himself to the farther side, where he wandered about and
eat twigs and bushes, till he was caught for our return. Reader,
was all this instinct or reason?
After this we told adventures. Among others, one hard



THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    139
featured old worthy gave the following account about his " ole
womin's tarrifying a barr," anglice, terrifying a bear.
" When we was fust settled"-said he-" down on Higginsis
bottim, thare was no mills in these parts and so we pack'd all
our bread stuffs from over thare at Wood'll about once a month
or thare-abouts, me going one day and coming back agin next
day, and my ole womin a stayin in the cabin till I gits back.
The Injins was mostly gone, but straglin ones kept comin on and
off, but tho' they was harmless like, folks was a little dubus and
didn't want thare company; and my ole womin she always shot
the door at night, and a sort a draw'd the bedstid agin it. Well,
so one night I was away for meal and she bethought as how
she'd render off her fat; and so she ons with the grate potthat one you're old womin neighbour Ashford borrerd last year
to bile sugar in-and she puts in her fat and begins a heatin it;
when what does she hear all at once on a sudden but a powerful trampin round the cabin!'Maybe,' says she to herself,'it's some poor Injin wants in'-when all at once the trampin
stopt and somethin begins a scratching up outside the chimbly,
and she spies through a crack, and if it want a powerful barr
that was arter the fat!  And she know'd the varmint wasn't
going to rest till he klim down the inside of the chimbly; and
then she'd have to put out and maybe lose all her fat! Well,
my ole womin was, to be sure, a leetle skur'd-but she didn't
lose her presentiment of mind-she only let the fellow back
down as near as was convenient-and then she jerks a handful
of dry grass out of our tick, and set fire to the whole on the
fat! And she says,'twas most powerful laffy to hear the
barr go up chimbly again-and how he was still heern a
growlin and makin tracts for the timbers! And that's the way
she tarrifyed the barr and a sort a scorched his brichis."
"That makes me, grandaddy," said a young Hercules, "think
how near I was to bein skur'd last week, with a wild cat over
on Acorn Ridge.  I was out huntin turkey, but had no luck,
and didn't see the fust one till I cotnes towards Inglissis-auld
thare I heerd a feller goblin. So I crawls into the brush near
a beech and begins a goblin, and he begins a anserrin and a




140              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
comin up-but jist then I hears somethin a nuther in the beech
above-but I was afeard to move my head lest the turkey ketch
sight of me-and so I gives another gobble, and then hears him
a comin up rite smart, and I was only waitin to git sight of him
— when what should I hear but a sudden shakin rite over my
head-and so I looks out of the tail of my eye so-turning his
eye for illustration-and I'll be dogg'd if thare warnt a wild cat
jist goin to spring, as I'd gobled him up like a gineine cock
myself. So, you see I give up the turkey and killed the varmint-and that's his skin, grandaddy, you see tother day at our
house."
This reminded Uncle John of an adventure of his own somewhat similar, and he went on thus:
" One day when hunting in Georgia I got into a pine thicket,
where I sat down on a log to rest. Happening to look in a
certain direction-for nothing of the sort was expected-I saw
a fine buck coming slowly towards the thicket, either not seeing me or to reconnoitre. I had put off my shoes to cool my
feet, but now without thinking about it, I rose to my feet ready
to fire as soon as the deer should be near enough: but as I
stood about this way-way exhibited, the legs apart-I felt something very cold glide upon one of my bare feet, and on glancing
my eye that way, what was it but a rattlesnake crawling from
under the log across my foot! I had providentially presence
of mind to remain immovable as a rock, till the snake had
actually crawled his whole length over my foot; and when
fairly beyond I suddenly jumped away, and then killed himbut of course I lost my buck."
"Brother John," said uncle Tommy, "that makes me think
of my being lost twenty years ago-but dinner, I reckon, is
most ready    "
" Oh! no, uncle Tommy," said Mr. Ashford, " we've time for
that'venture of yours."
This was enough for our Uncle Leatherstocking; for no man
so delighted in telling adventures. Indeed, few men ever encountered more; and still fewer could orally relate them  so
well. He was not an educated man, or even a good English




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  141
scholar; still he had read much and conversed much with intelligent persons: and so he was fluent in natural English, and
could aptly coin words and pronunciations to suit new ideas and
circumstances. I shall try and preserve his manner and spirit:
but to enjoy his stories, one should sit in his lonely cabin of a
winter's night away in the howling wilderness, and see his
countenance and action, and hear his tones.
"Prehaps," said uncle Tommy, "you know my wife's father
had considerable land on the Blue Fox River in Ohio; so, as
we two wanted a leettle more elbow room, I says one day to
Nancy,'Nancy,' says I,'I dad,'spose we put out and live
there. Game's mighty plenty there, and there's fine water and
plenty a fish, and plenty a wood; and we can lay in stores
enough at Squattertown to last more nor six months on a
streech.' And sure enough, as I'm  a livin man, off we sets
and puts up a cabin in the centre of the track, and that give us
room for the present: for the nearest white settlement warnt
nearer nor four mile, and Squattertown, the county seat, was
nigh on to twelve mile off. The Ingins, poor critturs, kim a
huntin over our track, albeit, there was no regular town of
theirn nearer nor twenty miles: but they never did us harmno, not a hait-(little bit)-and Nancy got so used to their red
skins that she never minded them. There's bad Injins that will
steal and maybe massurkree: but most when they find a rale
sinserity-hearted white, would a blame sight sooner sculp themselves than him. And I do believe me and Nancy was beliked
by them: and many's the ven'sin and turkey they fotch'd as a
sort of present, and maybe a kind of pay for breadstuffs and
salt Nancy used to give them. Sartin, indeed, a white would
now and then be killed: but when all the sarcumstansis was
illusterated, it was ginerally found the white was agressur, and
was kotch'd doing something agin their laws-and me and
Nancy had a secret conscience that the white desarved his fate:
and sometimes I felt like takin sides with the red skins myself,
and shootin down the whiskey devils that made them drunkbut I'll-not enter on that now.
"Well, I hunted and fish'd about whole days, the livelong




142              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
blessed day, while Nancy she'd stay alone a readin Scott's
Family Bible: so that she got three times right spang through
it, from kiver to kiver-the whole three volumes, notes, practical observations, marginal references, and all! And, I dad, if
she did'nt read clean through all our church histories, Milnursis,
and Mush-heemisis, and history of the Baptisis and Methodisis,
and never so many more books beside, for we always toted our
books wherever we went. And when I fished I used to larn
sarmins by heart out of Chrismas Evans, and President Davy's
and Mr. Walker's, and that was a kind of help in preachin."
Uncle Tommy usually made the dead speak when he preached,
and sometimes he would echo Bishop Shrub and Bishop Hiisbury, and other living apostles. And in this he acted wisely,
not being competent to the concoction of his own sermons; and
besides, when fully excited, he could do Christmas Evans' celebrated almanac sermon nearly as well as Christmas himself:
thence among the " Baptisis," as he always called them, Uncle
Tommy was greatly venerated, and was heaped up with titles
like an English Bishop, being styled, "a mighty smart and
most powerful big preacher!" Let not uncle Tommy's pulpit
preparation be despised; even "high larned sheepskins," it is
said, do sometimes lay both the living and the dead under
heavy contribution, and that, too, when not endowed with our
buck-eye-preacher's pathos and unction.  We, indeed, of Glenville, always preferred that uncle Tommy should represent
Davies and Walker-and even Evans-and not to give his
own.  But to the story:
"Well," continued he, "one morning early in December, I
says to Nancy,'Nancy, I dad,' says I,'I do believe I'll jist take
old Bet-a rifle-as we are out of meat, and go where I seen the
turkies roosting last night:' you mind the morning, Nancy, my
dear, don't you?"
"Bless you, Tommy Seymour, I'll never forget it-I was
near losing you then, Tommy."
" Well, Nancy, I'll go on with the story."
This was one of the interlocutories that always varied and
interrupted uncle Tommy's narratives, and nothing could excel




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   143
the intense interest that most affectionate and devoted wifewife and child to him-took in the stories, though heard the
hundredth time.  But uncle Tommy went on:
"And so I slips out of bed-it wasn't day quite-and slips
on my clothes, and fixes my old gun by the fire and then opens
the door to set out, when I dissarned a leetle sprinkle of snow
and a likelihood for a snow storm.  Howsornever, this didn't
faze me, only I steps back for my old camlit cloak-little
thinking, as I fixed it on, how I'd need the thing afore I'd git
back agin.,
"Well, I starts for where I'd seen the turkeys, and gitting
near, sneaked round a bit, but soon found the critters had been
too quick, and like Paddy's flea, wasn't there.  I heerd them,
howsomever, fly, and so on I kept creeping slowly along till I'd
got from home, mayhap, a matter of two miles; but the snow
was so thick in the air that I never could dissarn the birds, and
away they kept going flurry-wurry about seventy yards ahead
-till I give up the hunt and turn'd to go home for fear Nancy
might be waiting breakfast —"
"Yes, Tommy Seymour, I did wait breakfast for you  -
"Never mind, Nancy, my dear child, I got back at last you
know"-replied uncle Tommy, and continued-" Well, I turn'd
to go back, but I dad if I could jist exactly tell where I was
precisely, the snow had so teetolly kivered my tracks, and it
was now snowing so bodaciously fast as to kiver as fast as I
made them.  But I took a sharp look at the timber, and fixing
on a course, I kept my line for near two mile-yet, I dad, if I
could strike the cabin and couldn't tell whether it was too high
or too low; and so up I went a short quarter, and down a short
quarter, as near as could be guessed circumlocating for three
hours, but no cabin was to be seen.  Well, says I, I dad, if I
aint about as good as lost; and so sits down in a tree top to reconsiderate, and take a fresh start-but soon starts up and hollows like the ole Harry-but nothing gives no answer and all
was snow!-snow!-snow! not a smite of noise, only my
breathing and a sort of pittinpattin sound of my heart! I
found it wouldn't do to stand still as the scares begin to crawl




144              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
in a leetle, and so off I sets at a venture; for the cabin must
be, says I, somewhere near: and sometimes I conceited it to be
ahead of me, but all at once it vanished and I seed it was only
a case of fantis-mragery-and that I, Tommy Seymour, was
actially lost!   "
" Yes! Tommy, and I couldn't give you any help!"
"Nancy! child, I wouldn't a had you there for the universal
world."
" Well,"-resumed he-" there I was teetolly lost! - I
couldn't stay still-yet what use to walk on  And if I fired
my gun, and Nancy heerd it, and I didn't git back, mayhap
she'd think the Injins had killed me, and then she'd come out
and git lost too!-and with that idee, thinks I may be she's out
now!-and then I gits bodaciously sker'd and hollows agin like
the very old Harry! and walks and runs this way and that way
-the snow blinding my eyes-but all was of no use-I was
lost! lost! lost! But it was only about Nancy here, I thought
at this time; —and I dad, if I didn't ketch myself a crying like
a child,-and, wished to be lost by myself without her coming
out in such a storm!"-We here stole a look at aunt Nancy-I
could not catch her eye as she had her work-bag over her face:
but " I dad," as uncle Tommy used to say, if we didn't feel a
leetle tender ourselves. And so, generous reader, would you
have felt, hearing the tremulous thrill of the venerable old
man's voice and seeing his eye affectionately turned towards
that dear old lady that for so many years had shared his wanderings and sorrows.-" Well, I must'a become crazy, running
round and hollowing and crying-and all of no use-when all
at once it quit snowing, and I was sperited up, hoping the sun
would shine out next, and I could take a course for Squattertown
or the Injin settlement. But it kept dark and cloudy and I
begins to feel weak from fatigue and hunger-albeit I warn't
sker'd on that pint, as I had ole Bet along-and so allowing it
was about one o'clock, I determined to strike the Blue Fox, and
keep down stream to the settlement on its bank thirty miles
down. Well, off I sets to strike the river, and in about four
mile comes to a little pond with a couple of duck swimming




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   145
about.  I stopped in my tracks-knock'd out damp primingputs in fresh-and slams away and kills one duck; and the
other flies away.  And I gits the duck to land by pitching sticks
in, but not wanting to lose time, I kept on going; and so picked
off the feathers and sucked a little of it raw, till it'most made
me sick, and I thought it would be better to keep and cook it at
night-which was now coming on black as thunder.  Well, it
was time to look out for a camp; and just about dark I came
across a tree what had been twisted off by a harrikin, and was
lodged the butt ind on the stump; and the top on the ground
was puttee much of a dry brush heap, For all the world!
there never was sich a place!-Providence seem'l to have
blow'd it down jist for me! I could have camp'd there a week!
And so we brushes away the snow and makes a fire in the top!
and near the stump under the trunk, makes a comfortable bed
out of chunks and brush wood: and then I goes to the fire and
sits down to cook my duck.
"But, I dad, if I could help thinking about our cabin and
every time I think of Nancy-I-; but I know'd there was a
divine Providence and a heavenly Father-and so I prayed, and
then eat one half of my duck, keeping the other; as game was
mighty skerse and no human beings was in that direction till I
struck the Blue Fox. And then, making a little fire near my
bed for my feet, and kivering my powder-horn with a handkerchief to put under my head for fear of damp and sparks, I raps
up in the ole camlit, and laid down, and was soon fast asleep.
" Well, after a while I gits to dreaming I was lost in a prararee, and that the grass had tuck fire, and that I was a kind of
suffocated and scorch'd;-and I dreamed I heerd the awful roaring of flames, and seen a burning whirlwind coming towards
me, and that so sker'd me that I woke right up-and, I dad! as
I'm a livin man! if the woods all around me wasn't as light as
day! And my tree was all a living blaze and burning splinters
was tumlin on my ole camlit!-ay! and my cotton hankerchief
round my powder horn was jist beginning to smoke and. scorch!
-I dad! my friends and bruthrin' —here, uncle T. insensibly
glided into his preaching tone and manner-" but this was a
7




146              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
most murrakulous dream! and show'd the nature of Providence
and his care-or I'd'a soon been burnt to death or blow'd up!
And I didn't sleep no more-but kneel'd down and thank'd God
for the deliverance; and then kept sitting near the fire till day,
and then I once more started for the river.
" Howsomever, to make a long story short, I walked on and
on the live-long blessed day, and never heerd or seen a living
crittur; and I never came to any river-but at night I comes to
a log that had been chopp'd off and this give me courage. And
so I makes a fire, and eats now the other half of my duck-for
I was somehow sartain I'd find a settlemint in the morning.
Well, I slept the second night along side this log, and by daybreak I jumps up and feels something a kind of moving in my
old camlit-and, I dad! if it wasn't a snake what the fire had
smoked out of the log and what had crept into me to be warm!
But I only shook out the reptile and never killed him, thinking
only of some settlemint —although it was the snake, brother
John told about, that made me think of my adventure-for the
sarcumstance of the chopp'd log satisfied me, some was near, as
it was no;tommyhawk cut, but was done with a white man's
axe.  Well, I starts off puttee considerable peert and brisk,
considerin I was weak, and, all at once, as I'm a livin man, if I
didn't hear a bark! And so I stops and listens-and there was
another-and another —and I was sartain it wasn't no fox or
wolf but a dog-and then, I dad! if I didn't streak off that way
like greased lightnin! —and begun and holler'd and fired! —
and the dog bark'd louder and louder, and kept on coming
nearer and nearer! and I a running and hollerin till all at once
right in sight of me was-a human cabin! If I live a thousand
years-and none of us, my bruthren, will live half that longI'll never forget that moment-and if ever I thank'd God with
a rale sinserity heart,'twas then.  But while I was reconsiderating whose settlemint it was, for things looked a kind of familiar, the dog what had kept on barkin, now bust out of the
bushes, a yelpin and a prancin around me!-and why, do you
think? —because the poor feller had found his lost master —
and it was Nancy's little dog Ruff!  And would you believe




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   147
it?-my eyes was suddenly opened like a prophit's, and I found
I was on my own trampin ground, and the cabin was ours!
and there stood my dear child Nancy, a lookin our way out of
the cabin door! I dad! if I didn't snatch up Ruff and kiss
him!-and the poor little crittur-he's dead now!-licked my
face with his tongue!-and in that way I run over to Nancy."
-Here the emotion of the old man and the agitation of his
wife made a momentary pause-it was, indeed, as solemn as
church.-" Well, after all was explained and illusterated, we
kneel'd down and thank'd God: and then Nancy, she told how
she thought I was killed and then maybe only lost, till she was
jist goin to start for the next settlemint; and if I'd a come ten
minits later, she'd been off after help!
" So, that's one of my scrapes; and it illusterates the fillosofee that makes a man keep going round and round when he's
lost; for albeit I must a walked more nor fifty mile in the two
days, I wasn't never over seven mile from the cabin; and that's
the pond where the duck was; —and when I come back agin, I
didn't know at fust my own cabin-nor the chopp'd log, though
I'd cut down the tree myself. And    "
Here dinner was fortunately announced; for nothing else then
could have stopped Uncle Tommy-and we weddeners had a
lucky escape from a long sermon on Providence; for Uncle
Tommy greatly delighted in improvements, and "speretilizing"
his adventures, and, indeed, all other matters, and usually wound
up his land-yarns with notes and practical observations, in the
manner of Henry and Scott.
The dinner-table was set in the diagonal of the room, and
could accommodate about thirty persons; but as our company
was twice that number, we were "to eat twice."  As usual, the
new married person's were seated at one end, and the groomsman and bridesmaid at the other: and then were seated all the
married men, and after that as many as possible of the married
women; preference on such occasions being shown-according
to a rule of Latin Grammar-to the worthier gender.  This inversion of the matrimonial chord arises mainly from  the fact,
that out there women reserve themselves to attend to the table;




148               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
and, therefore, when the " set up" is ordered, the gentlemen instantly seat themselves alongside, and partly uender the table.
Sheepish young chaps usually hang back, however hungry, and
say, " Oh, there's no'casion!"' after which they give an acquiescing cough or two, or more commonly go to the door, and give
a twang with the nose and finger instrument, and then drop, as
if shot, down into a seat, jerking the seat under the table, till
the mouth comes to its level, and is thus fixed for convenient
feeding.
All Glenville had a seat at the first table; except John Glenville, who, partly out of policy, but much more out of true and
gentlemanly feeling, preferred coming with the young people to
the second table.  And when the company were fixed-and
fixed it was till one could barely stir a hand or foot-Uncle
Tommy " asked a blessing;" when he made amends for a long
story by a very short prayer.  But even in that prayer, which
certainly lasted no longer than two minutes, he contrived,
among other things, to ask a blessing on the young folks, praying especially, " for them as had jist been married, according to
the divine appointment in the garden of Eden, that they might,
both of them, live to a good old age, and be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and see their children's children to
the third and fourth generation, and that other young folks
present might soon settle and have families, and become an
honour and a blessin' in their day and gineration."
Many young gentlemen of " the second table" waited on us
of " the first table," and among them John Glenville: —and this
was taken so kindly, that before we went home declarations were
heard about "taking him  up for the legislature, fall come a
year"-a hint not lost on us, and of which more hereafter.  I
am sorry the reader can only taste our goodies in imagination;
and yet are we cruel enough to let him see what he lost.
And first, notice, all eatables, from " the egg to the apple,"
were on our table at once. Thus a single glance disclosed what
amount of labour was expected:-our whole work was there,
and no other jobs of eating by way of appendix.  Nor were
we plagued with changing knives, whipping on and away of




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    149
plates, and brushing or removing cloths; no, no, we kept right
dead ahead with the work from the start to the finish; the sole
labour of the attendants being to keep the plates "chuckfull" of
something, and ours, to eat! eat! eat!
The dishes next.  First, then, and middlemost, an enormous
pot-pie, and piping hot, graced our centre, overpowering, with
its fragrance and steam, the odours and vapours of all other
meats: and pot-pie was the wedding dish of our Purchase, par
excellence! The pie to-day was the doughy sepulchre of at least
six hens, two chanticleers, and four pullets, if it be logical to
reason upward from legs and wings to bodies! What pot could
have contained the pie is inconceivable, unless the one used for
"tarrifying the barr."  Why, among other unknown contributions, it must have received one half peck of onions! And yet
it is to be feared that they who came after us were pot-pieless;
for pot-pie is the favourite, and woodsmen sharp set are most
awful eaters.
Around the pie were wild turkeys-tame enough now-with
wonderful necks stretched out in search of their heads, and stupendous limbs and wings ready for flight, the instant the head
should be discovered or heard from! The poor birds, however,
were so done, over and under too, that all native juices were
evaporated, and the flesh was as dry as cork: but by way of
amends, quarts of gravy were judiciously emptied on our plates
from the wash-basin-bowls. That also moistened the " stuff'nin,"
composed of Indian meal and sausages.
These two were the grand dishes: but sprinkled and scattered
about were plates of fried venison, fried turkey, fried chicken,
fried duck, fried pork, and, for any thing I could know, even
fried leather; for, so complete and impartial the fiying, that
distinctive tastes were obliterated, and it could only be guessed,
by the shape, size, legs, etc., which was what, and the contrary.
But who can tell of the " sasses?" for we had " biled petaturs"-and " smashed petaturs!"-and " petatursis " i. e., potatoes rolled into balls as big as marbles, and baked brown.  And
there were "bil'd ingins!" —" fried ingins!"-and " ingins out




150              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
of this here pie!" Yes, and beets of all known colours and unknown tastes!-all pickled in salt and vinegar, and something
else! And there were pickled cucumbers, as far as salt and
water could go; and " punkun-butter!"-and " punkun-jelle!"and corn bread in all its glory!
Scientifically inserted and insinuated among the first course,
was the second; every crevice and space being wedged up: and
had the plates and saucers been like puzzle-maps, no table-cloth
would have been visible through the interstices. And fortunate!
the table itself was strong and masculine: otherwise it must
have been crushed under the combined weight of elbows and
dishes! This second course was chiefly custard; and that stood
in bowls and teacups of cadaverous white, encircled by unknown
flowers. A  pitcher of milk was gracefully adorned by the
artist with the pattern of an entrail, taken, doubtless, out of
some school book on physiology.  But we had also custardpies! and made with both upper and under crusts! And also
maple molasses-usually called " them'ere molassisis" —and
preserved apples, preserved water-melon rinds, and preserved
red peppers and tomatoes-all termed, for brevity's sake-like
words in Webster's Dictionary-"'sarves."
A few under crusts, or shells, were filled with stewed peaches
and apples-an idea borrowed by Susan from Glenville: but so
much was this like conformity to the pomps and vanities of life,
that the careful mother had that very morning rebuked her
daughter, and earnestly advised her not "to take to quality
ways, but naterally bake pies with uppermost crusts's."  And
yet Mrs. Ashford soon got over her miff; and, won by the
marked and uncondescending attention paid to her daughter
and her daughter's husband by us, she was heard not long after
the rebuke to say-" Well, arter all, they're a right down clever
sort of folks, and that'are Mr. Carltin is naterally adicted to
fun."
Among the curiosities were the pound cakes, as numerous as
apple dumplings, and about as large.  These were compounded
of some things found in pound cakes every where, and of some
not found, maple sugar being, evidently, from the taste, the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   151
master ingredient; but their shape-that was the beauty! All
were baked in coffee-cups! and after being disencupped, each
was iced all over, till it looked, for all the world, exactly like
an ill-made snow ball! The icing, or snowing, was a composition of egg, starch, and a species of double rectified maple sugar,
as fine and white as table salt.
In addition to all these matters tea and coffee were severally
handed, while the girls in attendance asked each guest-" Do
you take sweet'nin?" If the reply was affirmative the same
sized spoonful was put into every sized cup; and then, to save
you the trouble, the young lady stirred the beverage with her
own fair hand, and with as much energy and good will as if she
was mixing molasses and water.
Now, we do hope no reader will think we of Glenville turned
up our noses at all this.  No, no, verily; but we eat as much
and as long, laughing, talking, joking all the time too, as if native
born. As for Mr. Carlton, he stuck mainly to pot-pie, the
marbled potatoes, the custard, and the maple molasses; which
last, by the way, is indeed as superior to all far east and down
east molasses and syrups as cheese is to chalk.
The eventful day was, however, now closing, and some had
already taken French leave, while many were rigging their
horses for departure: hence we also began assembling our
party to go homeward.  But at the request of some young fellows, who offered to catch Dick and see the "gals " home, we
left our helps to have some fun after the graver people should
be gone away.  About a dozen volunteer groomsmen and bridesmaids remained "to see it out;" viz., to torment Susan and
Joseph: but Mrs. Ashford, a very watchful and discreet woman,
told us afterwards, she "took care to stop all goins on, and
made ev'ry livin soul and body of'em go to bed an hour before
herself and her old man went."
A different but no less effectual preventive was used by another new-married couple in the Purchase, where we had the
honour of an invitation.  The loft had been assigned as the
bridal chamber, the sole access to which was a light ladder;
and up this some of the " weddeners " intended to steal and up



152              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
set the bed of the sleepers-but, alas! for the fun! —the groom,
in anticipation of the favour,
Had drawn up the ladder!
CHAPTER XX.
"Parva leves capitant animos."
"Various, that the mind of desultory man."
THE ladies of Gienville, in addition to various other matters,
paid special attention in the winter to needle-work, also to reading: and, not a little in longing after the flesh-pots of Egypt!
And yet there was much in the wild and rough wilderness;
much in the men and women of the woods, so in contrast with
the culture of the city, that when the novelty passed, and we
had time to reflect how in our day the neighbours could never,be like us, nor we like them-how we were tolerated, rather
than cherished-and were far away from  sympathy-it was
then we awoke to a sad and bitter remembrance of the pastyes, and that past in no way, to some of us, ever to be restored,
to be revisited! In the far east were the graves of their fathers!
-the graves of mine, I cannot find-for the Seymours were
ancient, and in their day men of substance and renown. And
Indians are not the only ones that love to linger among the
graves of their fathers: not the only wanderers that see in
vision the swelling mounds over their dead, and see, with melting hearts and dimming eyes! Mournful world! before we left
the woods, graves of ours had consecrated two lonely spots in
the wilds, and our dust was commingling with the dust of the
red men: so that lonely now amid the graves in the east, we
here sigh and weep for the graves in those western solitudes!
*       -        *         *        *        *
As for myself, this winter, I made the closet for Carlton's
study, and the one in Bishop Hilsbury's cabin; also two shut



THE  NEW  PUROCASE                      153
ties for the loom, one too light, however, the other. too heavy:
and I aided in putting in and taking out " a piece," becoming
thus adept in the mysteries of woof and warp, of hanks, reels,
and cuts.  I mended, likewise, water sleds, hunted turkeys,
missed killing two deer for want of a rifle, played the flute,
practised the fiddle, and ever so many other things.  But my
grand employment was a review of all my college studies; and
hence, I was the very fitrst man since the creation of the world
that read Greek in the New Purchase!  And it was I that first
made the apostles talk out there in their own language! that
first made the primal woods resonant with
" Tyture tu patulae recubans sub tegmine fagi!"
or thunder with Demosthenes! that first addressed the reverefiul trees in the majestic words of Plato-words that Jupiter
himself would have used for the same purpose! aye, that first
taught those listening trees the names of the Hebrew and Chaldaic alphabets, or made them  roar like the sea with the
poltphlosboio thalasses!  And, hence, from  the renown of all
this, I was finally made a trustee of the State College at Woodville; which appointment afterwards brought me into contact
with some adventures, to be narrated in their proper place.
The appointment, however, was not given till Mr. J. Glenville
took his seat in our legislature in 182-.
Our evenings were devoted to cracking nuts and jokes,
visiting uncle Tommy, and Bishop H., to planning, to hearing
adventures, or reading aloud; but, as it was not possible to
have a centre-table, the grand family lamp was suspended in the
centre of the parlour; and then around this we either all sat as
an Iceland family, or raising the carpet-barriers, we lolled on
the nearest beds in couch and sofa, and ottoman style.
The lamp in its primitive times was a patty-pan; but having
spent its youth in different sorts of hot ovens, its tin had entirely shone out, and nothing remained save the oxydated iron;
yet to this it owed its present elevated station in Glenvillehumility before exaltation!  In the edges were three holes
punched with a tenpenny nail, and into these were put and
7*




154              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
fastened three several wires, which, united eighteen inches above
the patty-pan, were joined by a strong twine, tied to a hook in
a pole: and then the whole affair, when released from the hand,
could, and did swing with a very regular irregularity over the
middle parlour. The illuminator filled with lard or bear's oil,
and supplied with a piece of cloth for wick, was touched with
flame from a burning brand; and then away it blazed in glory,
filling all things, even eyes and noses, with light and soot!
But we soon got used to suffocation; and many were our
pleasant nights around the pendulum lamp, spite of inconveniences within, and the cries of prowling beasts without, or the
demon-like shrieks and howls of wintry tempests! Calm consciences in rude and lone huts bid defiance to most evils and
dangers! Besides, who has not known the delight of lying in
bed under an unceiled roof and of being lulled to slumber by
the music of a pattering rain! So our delight arose often from
a sense of entire security: and the dangers and evils of the
dark and howling wilderness so near!-separated by a slight
barrier!
During the day, this winter, I took lessons in axecraft; for,
in addition to the "niggering-off," it became necessary as the
cold increased, to chop off logs, especially as our fire-place devoured wood at the rate of half-a-cord per diem.  Niggering
belongs mainly to very large timber, and pertains rather to the
science of log-rolling than of preparing fuel; but chopping is
essential to nearly every branch of a woodsman's life, and
must be learned by all who aspire to respectability and independence.
Awkward, indeed, were my first essays, and my strength,
inartificially bestowed on every blow, was soon exhausted; but
when we had "larned the sling o' the axe," then could we as
easily execute a cord a day, as at first the fourth of the
measure.
But oh! the way Tom Robison could flourish the axe! And
proud am I to call Tom my master; indeed, all Glenville were
indebted to his lessons.  Tom was a fellow of gigantic proportions, longer than six feet three inches, and with enormous




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    155
width of breast-about "the girth" like a columnar beech.
He had also legs and arms to match.  His face was as mild as
a full moon's, and nearly as big; and in temper he was as goodnatured and harmless as a chubby baby! Tom rarely bragged;
although he could shoot well, drive wagon well, ride horses wild
and tame, and walk as fast and nearly as far as an elephant:
still he would boast a little about his chopping, being indeed as
an axeman, the envy and admiration of all that part of the
Purchase.  Oh! I do wish we could paint Tom's smile of benevolent scorn as he took the axe from my awkward hands to
" larn me the sling!" and saw me puffing at every ineffectual
blow, striking every time in a new place, till a little weak
amorphous chip was at long last haggled out with hashed edges
-it was really sublime!
" Jeest* do it so like Mr. Carlton-a sort a hold your left
hand here, allowin you're goin to strike right hand licks; and
your tother hand so fashin, a toward the helf-but a sort a
loose: then swing the axe out so, lettin the loose hand run up
agin tother this away"-and here Tom's axe finished the sentence or speech by gleaming down and burying itself nearly to
its back in the log: but next instant it was again quivering in
the air, and changing its direction was gleaming and burying
itself as at first, till out leaped elastic chips light as a feather,
although these chips were twelve inches long, and two thick!
And then the log would show two inclined planes as if wrought
with a chisel!-and all the time Tom talking and laughing
away, like a fellow whittling poplar with a dirk knife! Oh! it
was really delicious to see such cutting; and it was surprising
any body should call wood-chopping hard work —it was nothing
but cutting butter with a hot knife.
Reader, Tom  had actually done in axery, what Horace pronounces in writing, the perfection of the art, viz., ravishing and
yet beguiling the reader into an opinion that he can write as
well.  Tom  therefore was a master.  In short, Tom could cut
* Jist becomes jeest, and little, leetle out there, when tenderness and affection or
dimunition, etc., is to be designated.




156              TtIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
wood like lightning; and whilst some things can be done before
a fluent tongue-female of course —can say Jack Robison, we
defy any body to do the same things before Tom Robison could
chop a stick off!
We shall now describe our firemaking, not indeed to be
imitated in here to the utter ruin of all moderate fortunes,
but to show the grand scale on which we do even small matters
out there.
The foundation of our fire was laid every day very early and
required all hands.  We men-hem! we men rose before sunup; and then uncle John hauled out the relics of yesterday's
fire-coals plenty and lively-the unconsumed centre of the
back-log and chunks of foresticks; while Glenville and Carlton
issued forth to select a new back-log. This was usually of
beech, the greener the better, and about seven feet long and
two in diameter.  It was rolled to the door with handspikes;
where, with the aid of uncle John, it was next rolled, lifted,
pushed and coaxed into the centre of the parlour: and here
we rested and blowed, uttering between the puffs-" plaguey
heavy!" " a'most too long!" and the like.  But directly, with
a few united efforts the back-log was rolling and crushing over
the coals and soon lodged with a thundering noise in its bed of
hot ashes, and against the stone back of the inner chimney; we,
during this process, alternately lifting our scorched shins, and
then at the noise of the thunder, nimbly leaping back and rubbing them; till we could nearly have ventured at last to try the
ordeal of the burning plowshares.  The log was now covered
with ashes to prevent too rapid a consumption; and then two
delicate pig irons were pushed by a stick into proper position,
being always, any time in the winter, too hot to be touched
with the hand or even kicked with the foot. In case a cabin
has opposite doors, much labour and many sprains may be
saved and avoided, by tackling a horse to an end of the backlog and hauling it into the cabin; it is, however, rather a
slovenly practice, and used mostly by women in the absence
of the men.
Next in order were the second-story back-log, and the fore




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    157
stick-equal in length, but different in diameter and material:
the former being of beech and one foot thick, the latter of sugar
tree and about eight inches thick. Each is often carried by two
persons; but still oftener each is hipped. And hipping is done
by one man who has some strength and more dexterity; who
adroitly whips up the log on his hip, and trots off with it like
the youngest quill-driver of a shop will do with Miss Troublesome's small bundle of silk under his arm.  These timbers are
also frequently shouldered-but I regret to say that a certain
friend of ours when his turn came, used to roll his stick as far
as the door, and then hitch it.  Hitching is performed by getting the article on an end-no odds which-and then working it
along by alternate corners: an operation that impressed on our
puncheons numerous indented mementos of our friend's lazy
ingenuity.
Meanwhile uncle John carried in brush enough to make a
Jersey load of oven faggots; and the girl, baskets full of all
sized chips, from the Tommyrobison kind down to the Carlton
sort; and so when the upper back-log and bfre stick had been
arranged, there were present all the kindling and burning materials.  An infant sapling, some three inches thick, lay between
the back log proper and the fore-stick, forming thus a chasm for
a bushel of burning coals; while other coals remained under and
above the pile; and then across the upper coals were placed
bits of small trees intermingled with hot chunks and cold chips,
the whole being capped and climacterized with a brush heap.
Now issued, first, volumes of smoke, then' a spiteful snap or
two, becoming soon, however, a loud and decided crackling;
and then appeared several fierce curly blazes, white, red, and
blue, verifying the vulgar saying about smoke and fire; till the
temperature of things getting to the scientific point-out burst
simultaneously from  all parts of the structure a wide, pure,
living, roaring flame chasing soot-clouds up the stick-chimney,
dispersing fire-builders as far as the carpet barrier, and lighting
the interior cabin with the blaze of a volcano!
Combustion-hem!-was supported during the day on the
most philosophic principles: by supplying fuel; not a small




158               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
bladder of gas; not even an old-fashioned Philadelphia iron
fore stick and stone black log; but real backwoods' fuel, chips,
brush, bits of saplings and miniature timber.  The fire was
constructed regularly once only in twenty-four hours; although
some back logs will last nearly twice that period.
Each firemaker had a pair of green timber an inch thick and
six feet long; hence two persons lifting or poking in concert
were equivalent to a tong of tongs.  Usually we operated with
only one tong; but by dexterity all can be accomplished with
that one, that in here is commonly done with "tongses" and
shovel to boot.  True, our practice was incessant; since no
man, woman, or child in the Purchase ever stood, sat, or lay
near a fire without poking at it! Hence my determined and
ineradicable hostility to a fire of coal, bituminous or anthracite
-the thing won't be poked!  And what's a fire for, if it aint to
be poked?  Our young woman now, in here, keeps everything
in the shape of poker, and scraper, and tong, single or double,
out of my way; and, when the grate or stove needs a little tussling, in comes she with some iron article or other: but always
on going out takes the article with her —" for fear Mr. Carlton
will spile her fire!"
Bah! —don't lecture me about furnaces and flues, and patent
grates and ranges, and no-burns and all-saves, of this pitiful age!
Give me my all-burn and no'save fire of beech and sugar and
chip and brush-hand back my tong-let me poke once more!
Oh! let me hear and see once more before I die a glorious
flame roaring up a.stick-chimney! There let me, on this celebrated cold Thursday, thermometer two and a half inches below
zero, there let me stand by my cabin fire and be heated once
more through and through! Oh! the luxury of lying in bed
and looking from behind our Scotch wall on that fire!
Oil! ye poor frozen, starving wretches of our blind and horrible alleys, and dark and loathsome cellars; ye, I now see
buying twopenneth of huckstered sticks to heat your water
gruel for one more mouthful before ye die; ye, that are shivering in rags, begging of that red-faced carter in the pea-jacket a
small, knotty, four-foot-stick of sour, sappy scrub oak just fallen




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    159
from his cart, to hear it sob, sob, on the foodless hearth of your
dungeon-like holes-away! for life's sake, if you starve not
before, away! next summer to the woods!
Go; squat on Congress land!  Go! find corn and pork
and turkeys and squirrels and opossums and deer to eat! Go;
and in the cold, cold, cruel winter like to-day, you shall sit and
lie and warm you by such a fire! Go; squalid slaves! beg an
axe-put out-make tracks for the tall timber-Go; taste what
it is to be free! Away!-run!-leap!-and shout" Hurraw-aw! the ranges for-ever!!"
CHAPTER XXI.
"Thy hounds shall make the welkin answer them,
And fetch shrill echoes from the hollow earth."
WE had this year a very merry Christmas.  For first and
foremost we devoted the holidays to-hog-killing and all its
accompaniments, lard  rendering, spare-rib cooking, sausage
making, and the like. And secondly, our cow Sukey performed
a very wonderful thing in the eating and drinking line: she
devoured a whole sugar-trough full of mast-fed rendered lard!
The blame, at first, attached to Dick; but he could clearly
prove an alibi; and besides Sukey had very greasy chops, and
got horrid sick, as much so as she had swallowed a box of
Quackenborg's pills: and when she did again let us have milk
it was actually oily! And then, thirdly, there was aunt Kitty's
mishap about the sausages.
Aunt Kitty was intended by nature for a dear delightful old
maid; and she greatly mistook her vocation by marrying, although nothing but her being a great favourite with the beaux
of the last century hindered the fulfilment of her destiny. She
was the most amiable and kind-hearted woman-but a leetle
too modest; so that, in her circumlocutions and paraphrases to
get round the tough places of plain English, she often made us




160              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
uneasy lest she stump; or, perhaps light on some unlucky word
or phrase worse than the one she shyed at.  She denominated
the chanticleer, chickbiddie-or, he-bidde-or, old rooster; and
the braying gentleman she styled-donkey; although she would
venture as far as-Jack.  Ancle, with her, was any part from
the knee downward, and limbs were of course, her what-y'
callums, and she milked the cow's dugs, and greased, not her
bag, but her-udder.
Well, Aunt Kitty called things prepared for the reception
of sausages, skins; and so this Christmas having prepared the
skins by the scraping process, she laid them away in salt and
water till the stuffing was to take place; but when the hour for
that curious metamorphose of putting swine into their own skins
came, behold! the skins could not be found" What! had Dick devoured them 2"
Oh! no-the girl had accidentally thrown them  all away.
And this, indeed, was too bad; and no housekeeper can blame
Aunt Kitty for being greatly provoked: but, alas! for delicacies, anger permitted no choice of words:-and by that it may
be seen how angry Aunt Kitty was; for on learning the cause
and manner of the irreparable loss she exclaimed:"Why, you careless-you!  Have you really g'one and
thrown out all my g-ts! that I was keeping for skins!!"
Fourthly, we had a deer hunt, not only somewhat remarkable in itself, but memorable for the change it caused in the relations of Brutus and Caesar-the dogs of Glenville.  Of these,
Brutus was the elder, and hence, though smaller and weaker, he.
managed to govern Caesar: proof that among brutes opinion
has much to do with mastership and reverence.  An intimate
acquaintance with old Dick and the two canine gentlemen has
unsettled my early theories about instinct and reason: and as
to the first named worthy, the theory that the power of laughing is distinctive of human beings must be received with limitation; for Dick, if he never indulged in a rude boisterous horselaugh, could and did most decidedly and repeatedly grin —and
that is all some very sober and sensible persons ever attain to.
As to the others, Brutus had possession of the premises before




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   161
Casar was even a whelp; and though only Caesar's foster-sire,
he had trained him in his puppyhood in all the arts of doggery;
showing him how to worry infant pigs, then saucy shoals, and
finally true hogs, and without regard of size or sex. He taught
him how to chase poultry, and suck eggs; how to hang at a
cow's tail and yet avoid both horn and heel; how to hunt squirrels, opossums, and racoons; and how even to shake a venomous snake to death and not be bit.  And to his indefatigable
care and example was owing the loss of our original bacon-skin
hinges, and the ruin of sundry raw hides.
But when the cold meat, or potatoes, or buttermilk, etc., was
set out in the dogs' sugar-trough, how instructive the dignity of
Brutus as he walked up solus, and with no ravenous and indelicate haste, to eat his fill! And how revereful the mammoth
and lubberly Caesar, standing at a distance till his step-father
had finished and retired! Cesar, when very hungry or smelling something extra, would indeed crawl up with an imploring
eye and piteous whine: but then the awful look and cautionary
growl he received from the wiser dog, sent him away in a moment with a trailed tail and even to a greater distance than ever!
And yet Ceesar was equal in strength and size to one Brutus
and a half!  Carlyle's theory of opinion, must be extended to
dogs: and our deer hunt will confirm it.
One day during Christmas week Uncle John went a hunting.
About two o'clock, however, he returned, having wounded a
deer a mile beyond our clearing, and wishing after dinner-now
on the table-to take the two dogs to put on its trail; when we
should soon find the deer, and in all probability dead.  Accordingly, on reaching the spot, and blood being here and there
visible, the dogs were placed on the trail, and we soon came in
sight of the poor deer.  It was not dead, as had been conjectured, but was lying down sorely wounded, on a little island in
the creek, hoping there, after baffling pursuit by the intervening
water, to sob away its life unseen and undisturbed by its relentless enemies!  Poor creature! mere accident led us to look
towards its retreat; where, alarmed, it had incautiously moved;
and no moving thing ever is unseen by the wary and stationary




162              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
hunter-and then, at our shouts, up sprang the terrified animal,
wounded, but bounding away as though unharmed! And away
in pursuit leaped the yelping dogs; but in the excitement
Ceesar, forgetful of all reverence, in the lead!
Following the uproar, I ran up on this side the creek about
two hundred yards; and then the deer was seen recrossing the
water a few rods higher, Ceesar close on the flank, the most
noble Brutus panting far enough in the rear!
The poor hunted victim, blind and expiring, staggered, in its
last agony, towards my station; and then, as Cesar leaped to
seize its throat, it fell stone dead at my feet; for the rifle ball
had passed nearly through its body, and the chase had happily
but accelerated death.  The two brothers, for Uncle Tommy
had joined us, now came up; and then, the feet of the dead
deer tied in pairs, and a sapling, cut and prepared with a tomahawk, inserted longitudinally under the thongs, we shouldered
our prey, and marched homeward triumphant:-i. e., we three
rationals and the now opinionated and consequential Csesar, who
(or which?) strutted near, every few paces leaping up and smelling at the carcass. But Brutus, the hitherto lord of the woods
and clearing, alas! dejected, lagged away behind, both crestfallen and tail-fallen! yes, both, for he hung his head and kept
his tail dangling without one triumphant flourish! He evidently
felt his importance lessened, his dignity diminished by such a
palpable and utter natural-not to say moral-inability, to be
in at the death.  Yes, opinion was changed! And he saw
plain enough that Caesar entertained notions of dog-authority
now very inconsistent with peaceable subjection-ay! as different as when slaves first wake to the full perception of their
powers and rights, and opportunities; their masters having injudiciously allowed them to discover themselves to be really
men, and to have souls! Yes, yes, opinion had changed;-and
these dogs read it in one another's eyes-for that very day the
instant the entrails of the slain deer were thrown out as the
dogs' reward, up rushed the unceremonious Caesar; and when
Brutus tried the experiment of the old cautionary growl, Caesar,
instead of modestly retiring, as usual, leaped ferociously upon




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    163
his venerated step-father, and so bit and gored, and pitched and
rolled, and tossed him, that away, away ran the elder dog at the
first fair interval, howling with rage, vexation and pain! And
ever after that memorable deer-hunt Caesar continued to eat at
the first trough, and Brutus at the second!
Part of the venison fell to Uncle Tommy's share, which I
aided him  to take home; and, in return, he insisted on my
spending the evening at his cabin-and then the reader may be
sure we had many a long story on hunting.  The squatteree
was a cabin just fourteen feet by ten, and most accurately built
of small round saplings, very much alike in diameter and looks,
and nicely dressed at the corners.
A large space inside was occupied by a bed-apparatus, constructed as follows:-uprights, at their lower ends were nailed
to cleets on the floor, and on the uprights were pegged a side
and foot-piece-the logs of the cabin making unnecessary a
second rail and head-piece. Next was a sacking of clap-boards
pinned down; and then a very thick straw bed, and over that a
sumptuous feather bed; the whole very comfortable for the
good old folks, especially as Uncle Tommy used to say of themselves, that they were "old and tough."
Opposite the bed stood the bureau; the door opening into
the cabin between the two, and a narrow aisle or passage being
left to the cooking and eating end of the nest. Adjoining the
bureau was the puncheon table with its white oak legs; and
which served for eating, sewing, reading, and indeed, all domestic uses; whilst opposite the table, and at the foot of the bed,
were shelves for crockery and every article of squatter housekeeping. Over the fire-place was an extraordinarily wide mantel,
sustaining canister behind canister, and bowl upon bowl, and
bags, some of linen and some of paper; and having above itself
two racks, one supporting an enormously long duck-gun, and
the other, "Old Bet"-a black, surly-looking rifle-with the appurtenances of horns, punches, loaders, tomahawks and knives.
There hung, also, several pairs of moccasins, and two sets of
leggins; an old pair of green baize, and a new pair of blue
cloth.




164              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Over the table and bureau were shelves, but mainly for the
library.  The books were principally books of divinity and
church history, and also of prayer and devotion; but yet were
on the shelves Don Quixote, Robinson Crusoe, Paradise Lost,
Border Tales, Cooper's Works, Thomson's Seasons, and Young's
Night Thoughts.  The bureau-top was consecrated to Bibles and
H-ymn Books; and here was piled the famous Scott's Commentary, in five volumes quarto, and so often read, from "kiver to
kiver!" Indeed, from their appearance, one would almost have
judged them to have been read clean through " the kivers!"
The neatness, the quiet, the cleanliness, the comfort, the wild
independence of this nest of a cabin-the hunt of the daythe stories-all, all were so like the dreams of my boyhood!
How happy Uncle Tommy, now more than seventy years old!
and Aunt Nancy, now more than sixty! Happy in themselves,
in one another, in their home, and in their scriptural hopes of
the future life!
But the arrangement for gettin`g water, when the old lady
should be alone, and in wet weather, without leaving the cabinthat was the nicety! The nest was a few yards below a beautiful fountain, and over its running stream; then in the floor a
light puncheon was fixed as a trap, so that, with a calabash at
the end of a proper pole, Aunt Nancy could dip, as fiom an artificial reservoir!-and all without a water-tax!
Our supper to-night was of coffee, corn bread, butter, eggs,
short-cakes, and venison steaks! Yes, venison steals! Away
with your Astor House, and Merchants' Hotel, and Dandies'
Taverns; if you do want to know how venison steaks do tastego to Aunt Nancy! We feel tempted to give Uncle Tommy's
" murakalus" escape in fire-hunting! how he levelled his rifle at
a "beast's eyes," and found, in time, it was light streaming
through a negro hut, where, on Christmas eve, the merry rascals
were dancing away to a cornstalk fiddle and a calabash banjo.
But we must hasten to our
Fifth and last amusement during the holidays. Usually oA




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   165
the sabbath we attended our own meeting in the Welden Settlement; but bad roads and some other accidents often kept us
at home; when our three families assembled at Uncle John's,
where he read the Scriptures, and made or read a prayer, with
occasional help from Uncle Tommy, while Glenville and Carlton
conducted the choir and read sermons and tracts.
Sometimes, however, we attended meeting at Mr. Sturgis',
out of compliment to our neighbour and Uncle Tommy; never,
indeed, for fun, although we usually were more amused than
profited; and always came back more and more convinced that
a learned, talented and pious ministry was, after all, not quite so
great a curse as many deem it. But of this the reader may,
after reading the ecclesiastical parts and chapters of this History, judge for himself.  And here we beg leave to affirm that
our accounts of certain sacred matters are reduced, and very
much below the truth; for while truthfulness is important in
some writings, if on these matters ours were truthfull, we should
hardly be credited.  We dare not do our pictures up to life:
and hence, while they are by no means truthless, they are yet
less than the truth.
Neighbour Sturgis, it will be remembered, lived opposite the
tannery, and on the top of a bluff rising from our creek. Compared with most cabins, his was good and spacious; and to accommodate some pet swine and a flock of tame geese, openings
under his house were left, whither the favourites could retire for
sleep, or as a retreat from unusual sun, rain, or wind. Here,
whilst swine and geese were content with their several limits,
gruntings and cacklings were modest and expressive of enjoyment: although joy itself would often squeal and scream too
boisterously for some congregations. But if wantonness induced either piggy or goosey to pass the border; or if the dogs
playfully ran in nosing up the pigs, slapping a tail against a
strutty gander or a silly goose, then would the commingled din
of bark, howl, grunt, squawk, squeal and cackle, furnish a better
answer than the jest-book itself, to the question, " What makes
more noise than a she-swine caught in a gate?" Answer, " Old
man Sturgis' pet-pen in a riot.'




166              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Now, in the room  exactly over the pet-pen, " meetins was
held!"  The seats were long benches with ricketty limbs, expanded, two-a-piece at each end, and double planks resting on
rude chunks-all wishing to obey at once the great law of
gravity, but prevented by their own inequalities, and those of
the floor.  Hence during " sarvice," as folks were constantly
shifting centres of motion and gravity, no despicable noise of
chunks and bench-legs was maintained, in addition to all other
noises, rational and instinctive.
The pulpit was neither marble nor mahogany, being a tough
chair, with two upright back pieces like plough-handles, and
cross-bars to suit: and its seat was laced hickory withes, and
wonderfully smooth and glistening from the attrition of linsey
garments, tow inexpressibles, and oily buckskin unmentionables.
And not in, but behind this pulpit stood the preacher, placing his
hymn-book on its polished seat, and holding on to the two handles to squeeze by, in his energy or embarrassments. Hence
he never thumped his pulpit in the manner of the Rev. Doctor
Slapfist; but when necessary he raised the pulpit itself, and with
it thumped the floor-making, of course, just four times the
impression with its four legs that the Doctor does with his single hand.
The Rev. Diptin Menniwater usually preached here; but on
New-Year's Sabbath all Glenville went, by invitation, to hear a
new preacher: although in the Purchase, where preachers of a
sort are plenty as acorns or beech-nuts, a new one frequently
held forth, and held on too, greatly to the wonder of the hearers,
and the disturbance of the pet-pen, at our neighbour's of the
bluff.  The new preacher to-day, doubtless apprised of the
strangers' coming, in order to create confidence, and ward off
any false shame and unworthy fear of man, struck off, after
prayer and singing, with an open avowal of enmity to all learning and learned preachers, thus:" Brethurn and sisturn, it's a powerful great work, this here
preaching of the gospul, as the great apostul hisself allows in
them words of hissin what's jist come into my mind-for I
never know'd what to preach about till I riz up-them words




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    167
of hissin,' who is sufficient for all these here things.' as near
about as I recollect them.
"Thare's some folks-(glancing towards us)-howsomever,
what thinks preachers must be high larn'd, afore they kin tell
sinners as how they must be saved or be'tarnally lost; but it
ain't so I allow-(chair thumped here and answered by a squawk
below)-no, no! this apostul of ourn what spoke the text, never
rubbed his back agin a collige, nor toted about no sheepskinsno, never!-(thump! thump! squawk and two grunts.)-No, no,
dear brethurn and sisturn-(squeak)-larnin's not sufficient for
them things; as the apostul says,' who is sufficient for them 2'
Oh wordlins! how you'd a perished in your sins if the fust
preachers had a stay'd till they got sheepskins! No! no! no!
I say, gim me the sperit.-(Squeals and extra gruntings in the
swine's territory, and more animated squawks and cackles, as
the preacher waxed warmer.)-No! I don't pretend to no larnin
whatsomever,but depends on the sperit like Poll-(squee.e-el;)
-and what's to hinder me a sayin, oh! undun worldlins! that
you must be saved or'tarnally lost-yes, lost for ever an dever!
-(things below evidently getting on to their legs and flapping.)
No! no! no! oh! poor lost wordlins, I can say as well as the
best on them sheepskins, if you don't git relijin and be saved,
you'll be lost, teetolly and'tarnally forever an dever-ah! i
knows I'm nuthen but poor Philip, and that I only has to go by
the sperit-ah! but as long as I live, I kin holler out-(voice to
the word)-and cry aloud and spare not-(squ-aw-awk.)-O!
no, brethurn and sisturn-ah! and all evin high larn'd folks that's
hi the gaul, and maybe won't thank me for it no how-ah! 0!
ho! o-ah! I poor Philip-ah, what's moved to cry out and spare
not-ah!-(sque-e-el!)-what was takin from tendin critturs like
David-ah, and ain't no prophet, nor no son of a prophet-ah,
O! ho-o-ah, how happy I am to raise my poor feeble-ah, dyingah, voice-ah, and spendin my last breath, in this here blessed
work; a warning, and crying aloud; o-ho!-o-ah! repent, repent,
poor worldlins and be saved, or you'll all be lost, and perish forever-an-dever-ah!"
Here the storm above was getting to its height, although poor




168              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Philip kept on some ten minutes more, waxing louder and
hoarser, with endless repetitions and strong aspirations in a hundred places occasioned by his catching breath, and which we
have several times marked with an ah!  And the more frequent this syllable or such aspiration occurs in a torrent of
boisterous words, the more is the preaching supposed to be from
the heart, and therefore inspired: for nobody, it is supposed,
would make such a fool of himself if he could help it.
Philip now began spanking one thigh with a hand, and ever and
anon battering the floor with his pulpit, until he was compelled
at last to place one hand under his jaw, and partly up his cheek
to support his "jawing tackle." And, in the meanwhile, the
fraternity below, after much irregular outcrying, had at length
joined all their instruments and voices, and to so good a purpose
as at times nearly to overwhelm the preacher. Two dogs, also,
half wolf and half cur, now presented themselves at the door,
and with elevated brows and cocked ears, stood wistfully looking at the parson, to know what he wished them to attack or
hunt: but on finding he was not halloing for them, and being
now too excited to be still, away they sprang towards the forest
yelping and howling and determined to hunt for themselves.
And shortly after the first hurricane ending, poor Philip hitting
a favourite vein, went on with a train of reasoning-designing to
show that native wit was as good as college logic-about cause
and effect: but while he was again cheered from below in the
manner of an English audience clapping an abolitionist, we
shall not, by recording the applause, interrupt the narrative.
"No-no: nobody can make nuthin. Thare's only one what'
makes, and he made these here woods; he made these here
trees; and them bushes; he made yonders sun-and yonders
moon-and all them'are stars what shines at night in the firmamint above our heads like fires; —and-and-he made-yeshe made them  powerful big rivers a runnin down thare to
Orleans-and the sea, and all the fishes, and the one what a
sorter swallerd the prophit what was chuck'd out and swallerd
-and-and-yes-and all them'are deer, and then'are barr,
and them hossis what's tied out thare.-(Had Dick been there




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  169
he would now unquestionably have slipped his bridle.)-And so
you understand, worldlins, how no man could a ever made anything. And haven't we proof from nater that they was made,
and didn't come, as high larn'd folks' sez, and grow of theirselves out of forty atims by chance.
"No-no, worldlins, you couldn't, the most high larn'd ither,
couldn't make any of them thare things-you couldn't make
woods-you couldn't make trees-you couldn't make fishes-no,
you couldn't make airth-you couldn't make air-you couldn't
make fire-you couldnl't-hem! —he-e-m!-no  you couldn't
-. —Sorry  are we to record, but Mr. Carlton here was
guilty of sniggering! and even Uncle John, in spite of his official dignity, did look as if he wouldl laugh when meeting was
out. Poor Philip, however, quickly emerged and went on." No-not one of you could make a spring branch nor the like."
Ah! poor Philip, had you only had a little of the learning you
despised! Had you, at least, only seen Miss Carbon's Chemistry for Boarding Schools of Young Ladies! But did not Philip
make us sweat for our sins, for he went on:
"Yes! yes! some folks laff in meeting, but wait till they
gits to h-l, and maybe they'll laff tother side of their mouth.
The fire down thare's hot, I allow, and will scorch off folks's
ruffles and melt their goold buttins, and the devel and his
angils will pelt them with red hot balls of brimrock and fire!"
But the two dogs had just now returned from an unsuccessful
hunt, and forthwith they plunged headlong into the pit below;
and then the barking and yelping of the dogs; the scampering
and squealing of the pigs; the flapping of screaming geese's
wings, and the squawking of insulted ganders, together with the
hoarse and continued roaring of the preacher, produced a tempest rarely equalled in the best organized fanatical assemblies
here, and never surely excelled. And the instant meeting was
over, we of Glenville hurried away glad to escape from the
noise of bedlam and the almost papistical curses of poor Philip.
8




170               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER XXII.
SECOND YEAR.
"Go to them, with this bonnet in thy handBut thou wilt frame
Thyself, forsooth, hereafter theirs, so far
As thou hast power, and person."
OUR second summer opened with the electioneering campaign of Mr. Glenville, the people's candidate, for a seat in the
next legislature. His opponent, in all intellectual respects, was
unqualified for the seat, being destitute of important knowledge,
void of tact and skill, and having indeed-for he had been our
representative before-only exposed himself and us to perpetual ridicule.  He could read and write, and perhaps cipher a
little, and therefore, was all along considered a smart fellow,
till it was discovered we had one in the district, "a powerful
heap smarter"-John Glenville, Esq., of Glenville.  For John
read without spelling the hard words, wrote like engraving, and
could "kalkilate in his head faster nor Jerry Simpson with
chalk or coal, although Jerry had been a schoolmaster." And
our neighbour, Ashford, offered to stake five barrels of corn,
that-" Johnny was jist the powerfullest, smartest fellow in the
hole universal county, and could out sifer Jerry or any other
man all to smash."
Glenville's ability, however, would have prejudiced our cause,
had any doubt existed as to his moral integrity; for, a bad man
out there was very properly dreaded in proportion to his cleverness-and therefore, power to harm.
Our opponents, therefore, neither insisted that Jerry was
smarter than John, nor attacked John's character: but they
contended that "Jerry could do no harm if he did no good, but
that John could if he would, and would if he took a bad turn;
also, that Jerry had been tried once and did no harm, but that




T'HE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   171
John had never been tried, and so no one could exactly tell
what he would be till he was tried."
To this was answered, that "Jerry could do no good if he
would, and had often voted so as to keep others from doing us
any good, and so had prevented good if he had done no evil;
that John, if able to do harm, was also able to do good, and
as he had never done harm  in private life, it was reasonable to believe he would do none in public life; and that as
Jerry had had a trial and done no good, so John ought to
have one too, and if he did harm, we could send Jerry the
year after."
John was then attacked on the score of pride and aristocracy;
and, as usual, all the sins of his family were laid at Glenville's
door, especially his sisters' ruffles-our metal buttons-the
carpet wall; and above all, Carlton's irreverent sniggering in
meeting.  But then, most who had met us at Susan Ashford's
wedding said "we warnt so stuck up as folks said; and that
mammy Ashfoxd herself thought it was not a bit proud to have
a carpet wall, or the like, and that Mr. Carltin was a right down
clever feller, powerful funny, and naterally addicted to laffin."
And to crown all, Mr. Ashford himself, and belonging to poor
Philip's sect, publicly avowed that "he hisself had actially laff'd
in meetin-for it came so sudden like-only he kept his face
kivered with his hat, and nobody hadn't seen him."
The enemy then affirmed that Glenville himself had laughed:
but he procured certificates from everybody at church to this
point that "nobody had seen or heard John Glenville laughing;"
and these were read wherever Jerry's party had made the
charge.*  For any silly charge, if uncontradicted out there, and
maybe in here-defeats an election: either because the charge
is deemed an offset against the candidate, or people like to see
their candidate in earnest, and his rebutting allegations looks
like zeal for their interest, and shows a due sense in his mind
of popular favour. Beside, if one neglect a trifling charge, his
* However, since it can do no harm now, Glenville did laugh; but nobody either
sa8 or heard him but myself-and of course I did not sign any certificate.




172               TH-E  NEW  PURCHASE.
enemies will soon bring larger and more plausible oneswhereas his alertness scares them.
At last it was boldly alleged " that John would have laughed
if he had not expected to be a candidate!" But to this it was
triumphantly replied that "Jerry would have laughed if he had
been at meetin"-for Squire Chippy and Col. Skelpum  gave
two separate certificates, that "Jerry Simpson had laughed
when he heard tell of it!"  Hence poor Philip's sermon was
celebrated all over our district; and everywhere was spoken
and even spouted the sentence " no one couldn't make airth,"
and so through all the four old-fashioned chemical elements:
till all men were ashamed to bring even against "poor Carltin"
a charge, to which all plainly showed, if they had been at meeting, they would have been equally liable themselves.  And so
our party triumphed over what once seriously threatened to
defeat us.
Our social state was, however, always in ferment; for ever
was some election, doing, being done, done or going to be done;
and each was as bitterly contested as that of president or governor.  In all directions candidates were perpetually scouring the
country with hats, saddle-bags, and pockets crammed with certificates, defending and accusing, defaming and clearing up,
making licentious speeches, treating to corn whiskey, violating
the Sabbath, and cursing the existing administration or the
administration's wife and wife's father! And everybody expected at some time to be a candidate for something; or that
his uncle would be; or his cousin, or his cousin's wife's cousin's
friend would be: so that everybody, and everybody's relations,
and everybody's relations' friends, were for ever electioneering,
till the state of nasty, pitiful intrigues and licentious slanders
and fierce hostility, was like a rotten carcass where maggots
are, each for himself and against his neighbour, wriggling and
worming about!
Men were turned into mutual spies, and they all watched
and treasured and reported and commented upon, looks, words
and actions, even the most trifling and innocent!
The very boys verging on manhood were aware of their




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   173
future political importance; and several years before voting,
they were feared, petted, courted and cajoled, becoming of
couise conceited, unmannerly and disrespectful. Their morals
were consequently often sadly hurt; and boys then voted
fraudulently.  Such depraved lads, destitute of reverence, will
talk loud and long, and confidently, in any company, contradicting and even rebuking their betters-and all the time a
rabblerouser —(New Purchase name for a demagogue)-affects
to listen and admire such firmness and independence of spirit!
Get out! you nasty puppy! and do not prate to me about
religious cant; can anything come up to the cant and whine of
a selfish, godless rabblerouser? And dare such a one say that
evangelical missionaries are not safer guides, and better friends
to the people than-he?  Out with you!
We had, of course, in the Purchase a passion for stumpspeeching.  But recollect, we often mount the stump only
figuratively: and very good stump-speeches are delivered from
a table, a chair, a whiskey barrel, and the like. Sometimes we
make our best stump-speeches on horse-back.  In this case,
when the horse is excited by our eloquence, or more commonly
by mischievous boys, more action goes with the speech than
even Demosthenes inculcated-often it becomes altogether circumambulatory.
Once a candidate stood near the tail of Isam Greenbriar's ox
cart at Woodville, when some of his opponents-perhaps some
of his own friends, for the joke was tempting-noiselessly drew
out the forward pins, when at the most unexpected instant, and
in the very climax of his most ferocious effervescence, Mr.
Rhodomontade was canted into the dirt!
Again, our candidate for fence-viewer, with some half dozen.
friends, was once hard at work with certificates and speeches in
Sam Dreadnought's wagon; when Sam, having several miles to
drive before dark, and having already waited two good hours
for matters to end, suddenly leaped on his saddle horse; and
then, at a word and a crack, away dashed the team loaded with
politics, very much to the amusement of the people, but much
to the discomfiture of our candidate.
Nothing surpasses the munificent promises and at the same




174               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
time the external and grovelling humility of a genuine rabblerouser, just before an election. He shakes hands with every
body, friend and foe; he has agents to treat at his expense at
every doggery-(New Purchase term  for a grog-shop or low
tavern)-and in his own person he deals out whiskey and gingerbread, as we have seen, to a long line of independent voters
marching past him  with drum  and fife to the polls; and he
drinks out of any drunken vagabond's bottle, laughing at his
beastly jokes, and puts his arm round his filthy neck, and allows
himself thus to be slobbered upon, while patting the brute on
the back and being patted in turn!
Yet have we noble gentlemen who, when candidates, are courteous indeed, but who will not do base things, nor make absurd
and wicked promises, and who when defeated back out with
manly scorn of licentious opponents.
Glenville, though fill of tact, was independent; although we
did give credit for kip and neats-leather, even where it was
doubtful whether our political friends would pay, and bought
raw hides at higher prices than were paid at Spiceburg and
Woodville.  And Glenville did submit to, or rather he could
not prevent a party with him in a canoe from upsetting the
boat in the middle of Shining River; and who thus gave the
candidate what they called a-" political baptising:" but whilst
this was no dry joke, our friend still, on swimming to land with
the others, joined in the laugh. This, too, was a fair type of his
immersion into the troubled waters of political life; and the
way he endured the ducking so established his reputation above
Jerry's, that at the ensuing election a few weeks after, Mr. G.
was successful by a clean majority of one hundred and seventyone votes!
Politicians, even in here, I am informed, are also very frequently immersed, and into puddles, from  which they rarely
ever do flounder out; and when they do, it is said, they look
nasty and soiled, and have dirty ways, all the rest of their lives!
But maybe the less said on this point the sooner mended; and
therefore as Mr. Glenville is now the people's man, the world
expects his history, and we proceed to treat of the same in
three chapters.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     175
CHAPTER XXIII.
"I'll read you matter deep and dangerous,As full of peril, and advent'rous spirit,
As to o'erwalk a current, roaring loud,
On the unsteadfast footing of a spear."
MR. GLENVILLE was born in Philadelphia.  He had been
destined to the counting house, but the removal of his friends
to the west, changed his destiny; for he was invited by General
Duff Green, then of Kentucky, to accompany a party to the
Upper Missouri as assistant surveyor; which invitation was
accepted.
This suited our hero's love of adventure and gave an opportunity of seeing-the world.  Not the world as seen by a trip
to Paris or London, but the world natural and proper; the
world in its native convexity, its own ravines and mountains,
its virgin soil, its primitive wilds, its unworn prairies! To float
in birch bark canoes on the swelling bosom  of free waters!waters never degraded with bearing loads of merchandise, or
prostituted to turn mills, or fill canals, or in any way to be a
slave, and then to be let go discoloured with coal, or saw dust,
or flour, or dyestuffs-marks of bondage —that they may hurry
away, sullen and indignant to hide their dishonoured waves in
the ocean!
He went to see the world as the Omnipotent made it and the
deluge left it! He went to hear the thunder-tramp of the wild
congregations-the horse and the buffalo-shaking the prairieplains that heaved up proud to bear on their free heart the untamed, bounding glorious herds! He went to look at the sun
rising and setting on opposite sides of one and the same plain;
and where the rainbow spans half a continent and curves round
the terrestrial semicircle!  He went to see the smoke of a




176              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
wigwam! where death flies on the wing of a stone-headed
arrow, and the Indian is in the drapery of untouched forests
and midst the fragrance of the ungardened, many coloured,
ever-varied flowers!
What change from the smokes and smells of a city!-the
outcry, war, confusion of its anxious, crowded, jostled, envious,
jealous, rivalous population! —its contrasts of moneyed consequence and poverty smitten dependence!-its rolling vehicles
of travelling ennui, and hobbling crutch of rheumatic beggary!
-and its saloons of boisterous mirth adjoining the sad enclosure of silent tombstones! Oh! the change from dark, damp,
stifling pent holes of alleys and courts, where filth exhales its
stench without the su! —to walk abroad, run, leap, ride, hunt
and shout, amid the unwrought, unsubdued, boundless world of
primitive forest, flood, and prairie!
After a few weeks, Glenville was detached from the General's
party, and sent with the principal surveyor and one hunter to
complete a survey.
One morning, when preparing breakfast on the bank of a
river tributary to the Missouri, a large party of Indians appeared on the opposite bank, who, on espying our surveyors,
came over to visit their camp, warriors and warriors' squaws,
all wading with red and bare legs; and then, pleased with their
reception and some small presents, they insisted that our friends
should now go and take breakfast on the other side; a request
that could not be declined without engendering distrust.
Happy that the appetite is often strong! and yet strong as it
was, it was almost too weak for the occasion. The breakfast
began with a drink of whiskey and complimentary smoking,
after which came the principal viand, to wit: a soup, or hash,
or swill, made of river water and deer-meat and deer-entrails all
poured from a large iron kettle and smoking hot into-" an
earthen dish2"  No.  "A calabash "  No: but into a sugar
trough!-a wooden trough! and about as large as piggy uses in
his early days, when fattening for a roast.  Had the thing been
as clean, our surveyors would never have flinched; but the
trough was coated with oleaginous matter both within and




THE NEW PURCHASE.                     177
without; and a portion of the interior coat, now melted by the
absorption of free caloric, was contributing a yellow oily richness and flavour to the savoury mess! And on the crust more
remote from heat frolicked larvae, with nice white bodies and
uncouth dark heads, careless of comrades floating lifeless in the
boiling gulf below.
From this aboriginal mess both red and white men fished up
pieces of venison, with sharp sticks; and with tin cups and
greasy gourds they ladled out broth till all was exhausted, except some lifeless things in a little puddle of liquid matter at
the bottom, and a portion of entrail lodged on the side of the
trough.  Our folks, who had, indeed, seen "a thing or two" in
cabin cookery, were nearly sickened now; for spite of clenching the teeth in sucking broth, they were confident more than
once, that articles designed to be excluded, had. wormed through
the enclosure.  And yet why not apply de gustibus -non to this
breakfast? The classic Romans delighted in snails; the sacred
Jews in grasshoppers. The Celestials eat rats and dogs, and the
elastic Parisians devour frogs, and sometimes cats. And may
not American Indians eat, without disparagement, entrails and
brown and yellow grease, and fly-blows?
Not many days after this breakfast, our people met in a
prairie a party of Osages, and mostly mounted on small, but
very active horses. The chief ordered his troop to halt, and all
dismounting, he made signs for the whites to advance; upon
which he stepped up to Glenville —the Mercury of the three
-and began an unintelligible gabble of English and Osage. At
length he felt about Glenville's person, with his hands, and
even into his bosom and pockets, till our friends became a little
alarmed: when Glenville, remembering what he had heard, that
nothing so quickly disarms and even makes a friend of a hostile
Indian, as the show of courage, begun to look angry, uttered
words of indignation and even jerked away the chief's hand.
Upon this the warrior stepping back, laughed long and loud,
and with manifest contempt looked at the dwarf dimensions of
the white, but with approbation at his spunk; both natural feelings, when he beheld a little white man, five feet seven, and
^~~~~~~~~~~~~~.....




178              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
weighing nearly one hundred and twenty pounds avoirdupois,
boldly resisting and repelling a big red one, more than six feet
three, and weighing about two hundred and thirty-five pounds!
In a few moments, however, the Indian again advanced, but
with the greatest good-nature; and while he now patted Glenville with one hand on the back, with the other he felt in our
hero's side pocket, whence he soon abstracted a small knife and
immediately transferred the same to his own pouch.  After
that, going to his pony, he returned with a magnificent buffalo
robe wrought with rude outlines of beasts and Indians; which,
throwing down before Glenville as a fair exchange of presents,
he once more went to his horse, and then leaping on the animal's
back, the chieftain gave the sign, and away the free spirits of
the brave were again gallopping towards the hazy line of the
horizon!
This robe, during my sojourn in Glenville, was in the winter
the outer cover of our bed. And to that was owing one of my
curious dreams:-a vast buffalo bull, stripped of his skin and
charging with his horns upon a gigantic Indian in an open prairie,
while the Indian kept the bull at bay with a sugar trough in one
hand, and a great dirk knife in the other.  Only think! readerto sleep two winters in a log cabin, in a bran New Purchase,
near a chieftain and a warrior's grave enclosed with logs and
marked by a stake painted red! and under the hairy hide of an
enormous prairie bull! —a bull killed by a gigantic Osage
chief!-a hide dressed by his squaw, the queen, or his papooses,
the princesses! a robe bestowed, as a king's reward for my
brother-in-law's courage! Take care-I feel the effect even
now-hurra —waw-ah for the savage life!-Hands off!-let me
go.  I must go, and at least draw a bead on something with my
rifle! —fash! —bang!
The surveyor's party, having in a few weeks finished their
work, commenced descending the Missouri in a canoe, intending
to reach the place where they had left their horses; after which
they would proceed by land to the rendezvous.
One night as they were borne down rapidly by a very strong
current, after having by the dim starlight barely escaped many




THE  NEW  PURCIASE.                   179
real snags, planters, drifts and the like, and after having imagined in the obscurity a hundred others, they were at length
driving towards a dark mass; but whether real or not could at
first be only conjectured. Alas! it was no fancy; but before
the direction of the canoe could be altered, it was driven
violently against a drift-island, and upsetting, was carried
directly under it, and so effectually hid or destroyed as never
to be seen again.  One man at the instant of collision, leaped
upon the island: the others were thrown into the water; but
they succeeded, although torn and bruised in the attempt, and
with much difficulty, in gaining the floating mass and getting on
it. All their property, provisions, clothes, surveying instruments, guns, etc., were lost, except the rifle which the hunter always kept in his hand, the clothes on their persons, and the
notes and records of the surveys which Mr. Glenville had accidentally put early that evening into his hat and pockets!
The comrades now made a survey of their territory, and
found they owned an island of logs, tree-tops and brush, matted
and laced every way, with an alluvion of earth, sand and weeds;
tho whole running, at present, due north and south, one hundred yards, with easting and westing of nearly fifty yards. No
sign of human habitation was visible nor trace of living animal;
and it soon became morally certain the island was desert:
and hence our friends began to devise means of abandoning the
involuntary ownership. But the sole means appeared to be by
swimming: and in that was great hazard, yet it must be done,
unless they should wait for accidental deliverance. After a
gloomy council it was unanimously decided, therefore, to swim
away from their island.
The hunter immediately offered to adventure the first; promising, on reaching the shore, to stand at the best landing point,
and there shout at intervals as a guide to the others.  Contrary
to all entreaties and dehortations, he was resolved to swim with
his rifle-that weapon being, in fact, always in his hands like
an integral part of his body.  His only reply was-" She's"(rifles in natural grammar are she's; to a true woodsman a rifle
is like a beloved sister; and he no more thinks of he-ing and




1.80             THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
him-ing, or even il-ing the one than the other)-" she's bin too
long in the family, boys, to be desarted without no attempt to
save her; no, no, it's not the fust time she's bin swimm'd over
a river; uncle Bill, arter that bloody fight with the Injins,
jumped down the cliff with her and swimm'd her clean over the
Ohio in his hand, and I can outrassle and outswim uncle Bill
any day: no, no-we sink or swim together; so good-by, boys,
here goes, I'll holler as soon as I git foothold."  The splashing
of the water drowned the rest; and away with his heavy rifle
in one hand, and striking out with the other, swam the bold
hunter; till borne down by the fierce current he had soon
passed out of sight and hearing.
With intense anxiety the remaining two waited for their
comrade's promised shout; but no noise came save the rushing
of the boiling and angry water past and under the drift-wood.
Twenty long minutes had elapsed, and yet no voice-ten more
-and all silence, except the waters! Could it be, as they had
all along dreaded, that the hunter was indeed sunk with his
favourite gun!-or had he been carried one or more miles
down before he could land?  The force of the current rendered
this probable; and, therefore, they would wait an hour, to give
him time to walk up the bank opposite the island and shout.
But when that long and dreadful hour had elapsed, and no voice
of the living comrade yet came across the dark and tumultuous
waves, the agony of the hunter's only brother-for such was the
surveyor on the drift with Glenville-became irrepressible, and
he said, "I must see what's become of poor Isaac-I can't stand
it any longer, here's my hand, Glenville, my poor boy-farewell!-if I reach the shore I'll holler, if not, why we must all
die-farewell."  The next instant the surveyor was borne
away; and the noise of his swimming becoming fainter and
fainter was soon imperceptible, and John Glenville stood alone!
Reader, my brother-in-law was then, compared with men,
only a boy; and yet he stood there alone and without fear!
And was there nothing of the morally sublime in that?-a very
young man thus alone in the middle of the Missouri, on a dark
and cold night; beyond the outskirts of civilized life; far




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    181
enough away from his mother's home, and affectionate sisters;
and listening for the shouts of that second swimmer-and without fear?  True, thoughts of his mother now rushed in uncalled; but these only nerved his purpose, and he resolved,
with God's aid, to use his art and skill for their sakes; or, if he
must perish in the tumultuating flood of the wilderness, to die
putting forth his best exertions to live-hark! what comes like
a dying echo?-can it be! —yes, hark! it comes again, the
voice of the second swimmer-there it is again! Thank Godone is safe, but where is the other?
Thus encouraged, Glenville prepared for his conflict with the
waves.  He was an expert swimmer, and often in early boyhood had swum from Philadelphia to the opposite island in the
Delaware. Accordingly he divested himself of all clothes, except shirt and pantaloons, made up the garments taken off into
a small bundle, in the midst of which securing the papers of the
survey, he fastened it, together with his hat, between his shoulders, and then, wading out to the end of a projecting tree; he
earnestly implored God for help, and cast himself boldly into
the turbid waters of the dark and eddying flood. He swam
now as much as possible towards the point whence at intervals
was borne to his ears the shouting of his comrade; till, in some
fifteen minutes he landed unhurt and not greatly wearied about
one hundred yards below the voice, whither he instantly hastened, and to his heartfelt joy, was soon shaking hands not only
with the surveyor, but also with the hunter. Yes! poor fellow
-he had found his favourite too heavy, and one arm, powerful
as it was, too weak for his long battle with a king of floods.
Long, long, very long had he held to his gun; but half-suffocated, his strength failing, and he whirling away at times from
the shore almost reached, to save his life he had at last slowly
relaxed his grasp, and his rifle sank. Yet even then repenting,
he had twice gone down to the bottom to recover the weapon:
and happily, failed in finding it-for his strength never would
have sufficed, encumbered again with a gun, to reach the land.
Indeed, when he gained the bank he was barely able to clamber up, and could scarcely speak, or even walk, when discovered




182                 THE NEW  PURCHASE.
by his brother: who had easily reached the shore himself, and,
after shouting once or twice to Glenville, had gone down on the
bank a full quarter of a mile before finding the hunter.
Upon reconnoitering, it was conjectured that they must be
near the squatter's hut, with whom had been left their horses;
and hence taking a course, partly by accident and partly by observation, not long after they were cheered by the distant bark
of his dogs, and next by the gleam of fire through the chinks of
his cabin.
In the morning they obtained supplies of skins and blankets,
agreeing to pay their host if he would go with them to the rendezvous; which he did, and was suitably and cordially rewarded.
It was now perceived, that if the poor hunter had left his rifle
on the drift-island, she could have been regained by means of a
raft: but to tell where she had been abandoned in the river was
impossible.  Our hunter, therefore, came- away disconsolate;
and, indeed, as from the grave of a comrade-almost in tears!
CHAPTER XXIV.
"Ac veluti summis antiquam in montibus ornum
Cum ferro accisam crebrisque bipennibus instant
Eruere agricolaa certatim: illa usque minatur,
Et tremefacta comam concusso vertice nutat:
Vulneribus donce, paulatim evicta, supremfum
Congemuit, traxitque jugis avulsa ruinam."
OUR party reached the rendezvous only a few hours beyond
the appointed time. Here, as a bee-tree had been just reported,
it was unanimously determined to commemorate the deliverance
and safe arrival of our three friends, by a special jollification.
In other words, it was voted to obtain the wild honey; and then,
in a compound of honey, water and whiskey, to toast our undrowned heroes, and their presence of mind and bravery:-no
small honour, if the trouble of getting the honey is considered.
For, on following the serial trail of the bees, the hive was ascer



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    183
tained to be in a hollow limb of the largest patriarchal sire of
the forest-a tree more than thirty feet in circumference!
And this is a fair chance to say a word about the enormous
circumanmbitudialitariness (!) of many western trees.  It is common to find such from  six to seven feet in diameter; and we
have more than once sat on stumps, and measured across three
lengths of my cane, nearly ten feet; and found, on counting
the concentric circles, that these monsters must have been from
seven to eight hundred years old-an age greater than Noah's,
and almost as venerable as that of Methusaleh! Shall we feel
no sublimity in walking amid and around such ancients?-trees
that have tossed their branches in the sun-light and winds of
eight centuries!-that have scorned the tempests and tornadoes,
whose fury, ages ago, prostrated cities and engulfed navies!
that have sheltered wildfowl in their leaves, and hid wild beasts
in their caverns from  the dooms-day looking gloom  of many
total solar eclipses! and have gleamed in the disastrous light
of comets returning in the rounds of centenary circles!
Such trees, but for the insidious and graceless axe, that in its
powerlessness begged a small handle of the generous woods,
such would yet stand for other centuries to come, at least decaying, if not growing: they are herculean even in weakness
and dying! And dare finical European tourists say we have no
antiquity 2 Poor souls! poor souls! —our trees were fit for
navies, long years before their old things existed! Ay, when
their oldest castles and cities were unwrought rock and unburnt
clay!  Our trees belong to the era of Egyptian architecturethey are coeval with the pyramids!
Near the junction of the White River of Indiana and the
Wabash, stands a sycamore fully ninety feet in circumference!
Within its hollow can be stabled a dozen horses; and if a person take the centre of the ground circle, and hold in his hand
the middle of a pole fifteen feet long, he may twirl that pole,
and yet touch no part of the inner tree! He may, as did Bishop
Hilsbury, mounted on a horse, ride in at a natural opening, canter round the area, and trot forth to the world again! But to
the bee-tree.




184'THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
It is a proverb, " He that would eat the fruit must first climb
the tree and get it:" but when that fruit is honey, he that wants
it must first cut the tree down.  And that was the present necessity. No sooner was this resolved, however, than preparation was made for execution; and instantly six sturdy fellows
stood with axes, ready for the work of destruction. They were
all divested of garments excepting shirts and trowsers; and now,
with arms bared to the shoulders, they took distances around
the stupendous tree. Then the leader of the band, glancing an
eye to see if his neighbour was ready, stepped lightly forward
with one leg, and swinging his weapon, a la Toni Robinson, he
struck; and the startled echoes from  the " tall timber" of the
dark dens, were telling each other that the centuries of a woodmonarch were numbered! That blow was the signal for the
next axe, and its stroke for the next; till cut after cut brought
it to the leader's second blow: and thus was completed the circle of rude harmony; while the lonely cliffs of the farther
shores, and the grim forests on this, were repeating to one another the endless and regular notes of the six death-dealing axes!
And never before had the music of six axes so rung out to enliven the grand solitudes!-and a smaller number was not
worthy to bid such a tree fall!
Long was it, however, before the tree gave even the slightest
symptom of alarm.  What had it cared for the notching of a
hundred blows! Yet chip after chip had leaped from  the
wounded body-each a block of solid wood-and the keen iron
teeth were beginning to gnaw upon the vitals! Alas! oh! noble tree, you tremble! Ah! it is not the deep and accustomed
thunder of the heavens, that shakes you now!-no mighty
quaking of the earth! That is a strange shivering-it is the
chill shivering of death! But what does death mean where existence was deemed immortal!  Why are those topmost
branches, away off towards the blue heavens, so agitated!
Tree!-tree!-no wind stirs them so!-they incline towards the
earth!-away! hunters, away, away!  Hark!-the mighty
heart is breaking! And now onward and downward rushes
yon broad expanse of top, with the cataract roar of eddying




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     185
whirlwinds; and the far-reaching arms have caught the strong
and stately trees; and all are hurrying and leaping, and whirling to the earth, in tempest and fury! Their fall is heard not!
In the overwhelming thunder of that quivering trunk, and the
thousand crushings of those giant limbs, and the deep groan of
the earth, are lost all other noises, as the slight crack of our
rifles amid the sudden bursting of the electric cloud! There
lies the growth of ages!  Once more the sun pours the tide of
all his rays over an acre of virgin soil, barely discerned by him
for centuries!
Well might Glenville feel rewarded and honoured, when for
his sake such a tree lay prostrate at his feet! And yet in all
this was fulfilled the saying-the sublime and ridiculous are
separated by narrow limits; for, could anything be grander
than such a tree and such an overthrow? Could any be meaner
than the purpose for which it fell?-viz: To get a gallon of
honey to sweeten a keg of whiskey 
CHAPTER XXV.
"Provide thee proper palfries, black as jet
To hale thy vengeful wagon swift away,
And find out murderers in their guilty caves."
AFTER many other trials and adventures Glenville returned
safe to his home in Kentucky. Here with his wages he loaded
a boat with "produce," and set float for New Orleans; intending with the cash realized by the trip, on his return, to go into
Illinois with a stock of goods and " keep store."
Glenville did, indeed, get home and with some money from
a successful sale; but he was worn and emaciated, and many
months passed before he could cross the Ohio and set up his
store.  But evil came now in a form demanding stout heart
and steady nerves.  Our dark and illimitable forests then hid
men of lion hearts, of iron nerves, of sure and deadly weapons!
Perhaps such dwell there yet; if so, wo! to the enemy that




186              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
rashly arouses them  from  their lairs and challenges, where
civilized discipline avails not! and where battle is a thousand
conflicts man to man, rifle to rifle, knife to knife, hatchet to
hatchet! And Glenville, boy as he was, proved himself worthy a name among the lion-hearted!
We stood once on a solemn spot in the wilderness and leaned
against the very tree where the bloody knife of the only survivor had rudely and briefly carved the tale of the tragedy. It
stood nearly thus:
" 18 injins-15 wites-injins all killed and buried here-14
wites kill'd and buried too-P. T."
Laugh away, men of pomatum and essence, at Hoosiers, and
Corncrackers, and Buckeyes: yes! lace-coats, mow them down
in an open plain with canister and grape, you safely encased
behind bulwarks; or cut them to pieces with pigeon-breasted,
mailed and helmed cuirassiers-but seek them not as enemies
in their native or adopted woods! The place of your graves
will be notched in their trees, and you will never lie under
polished marble, in a fashionable and decorated cemetery!
But Glenville, in store-keeping witnessed a farce before his
tragedy. Among his earthen and sham-Liverpool, were found
some articles, similar to things domesticated in great houses,
and which, although not made unto honour, were in the present
case very unexpectedly elevated in the domestic economy.
These modesties occupied a retired and rather dusky part of
the store; when one day an honest female Illinois-a Sucker's
wife-in her travels around the room in search of crocks suddenly exclaimed: " Well! I never! if them yonder with the
handles on, aint the nicest I ever seen! Johnny, what's the
price?-but I must have three any how; here Johnny do up
this white one-(rapping it with her knuckles)-and them two
brown ones up thare."
A large purchase, to be sure, of the article; but curiosity
asked no questions: and in due time the trio were packed and
hanging in a meal bag from the horn of the lady's saddle; who,
on taking leave, thus addressed our marvelling shopkeeper:
"Mr. Glenville, next time you go gallin, jist gimme and my




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   187
ole-man a call —we've got a right down smart chance of a gall
to look at-good-by."
Our hero, who had early discovered, that store-keeping is
none the worse when the owner is in favour with the softer sex,
did not forget this invitation, and in due season made his kind
friends a visit: and when supper was placed on the table by
the smiling maid and her considerate mother, what do you
think was there?
" Corn bread V"
Hold your ear this way-(a whisper.)
"No! he! he! he!"Yes, indeed, and doubledeed!-the white one full of milk!!
And after that you know our humblest democrat may well look
up to the presidency.
It had become about this time necessary for Mr. G. to visit
Louisville. For that purpose, he left his store in charge of a
young man; the latter promising among other things to sleep
in the store; instead of which, however, he always slept at a
neighbouring cabin.  Hence what was feared happened-the
store was robbed.  Not truly in the eastern style, of small
change in the desk, some half dozen portable packages, or paltry three dozen yards of something-no no, the robbery was on
the wholesale principle commensurate with the vastness of our
woods and prairies. The entire stock in trade was carried offbales, boxes, bags, packages, and even yard-sticks and scales to
sell by-yes! and hardware, and software, and brittlewarecrocks with and without handles, whatever may have been their
standing in society-all, all-were taken! so that when the
clerk came in the morning to retail to the Suckers, there was,
indeed, a beggarly account-not of empty boxes, these being
mostly carried away-but of empty shelves, and empty desks,
and empty store.  Glenville's occupation was even more completely gone than Othello's.
On the river bank were, indeed, traces enough of a mysterious departure of merchandise; but whether the embarkation
had been in skows, or " perogues," and other troughlike vessels,
was uncertain. Nor could it even be conjectured for what port




188              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
the store had been spirited away; or for what secret cove or
recess of tall weeds matted into texture with sharp briars and
thorny bushes!
Previous to Glenville's return, a fellow that had been noticed
lurking in the woods near the store for two days before the
robbery, was recognized in a small village, the day after, and in
suspicious circumstances.  He was, therefore apprehended;
when, after a short imprisonment, he confessed having been
employed by some strangers to steer a flat-boat loaded with
something or other from Glenville's landing.  On his return,
our merchant went to the sheriff; who, indignant at a villainy
that had so completely ruined a very young man after years
of toil and danger passed in acquiring his little property, did
himself suggest and offer voluntarily to aid in a scheme to compel the prisoner to disclose, at least, where the goods were concealed, and before they should be removed from the country or
ruined by the damp.
We are not advocates for Lynching; but we do know that
where laws cannot, and do not protect backwoodsmen, they fall
back on reserved rights, and protect themselves.  We know
that such woodsmen will go better armed, to slay, and not unrighteously, on the spot, every unholy apostate that maliciously
and wilfully strikes down and stamps on God's image! And
when the day comes that the avenger of a brother's blood wakes
in our land-let no canting infidel blame those that now resist
the abrogation of divine laws!-but let him blame hypocritical
juries, rabblerousing governors, and all that are now deserting
the weak, the innocent, the unwary, the defenceless, and crying
"God pity, and defend, and save, and bless-the murderer!"
and "Shame on the dead-poor lifeless victim!"
The sheriff and Glenville, with two fearless and voluntary associates, prevailed on the jailor to loan them the prisoner for a
day or two, making known their scheme and giving suitable
pledges for his redelivery.  The loan was made; and then, on
reaching a fit place, the prisoner was dismounted, and Glenville
proposed to him the following: 
" My friend, we know very well you helped to rob my store,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   189
and that you know well enough where your comrades are, and
how the goods can be recovered; now, if you will tell, not only
will we get you out of jail, provided you will leave the country,
but I will give you also ten dollars; but if you won't tell,
why then we'll flog you into it-come, what do you say 2"
" Well, he be some-thing'd if he know'd; and if he did, he
wasn't going to be lick'd into tellin-and he'd sue them for salt
and battery."
Peril, indeed, was in this illegal process; but the party had
good reason for believing the fellow a desperate robber, and so
they seemed to be preparing for a severe flagellation, when he,
supposing all was solemn earnest, said he.was ready to confess,
and, provided Mr. G. would forgive and not prosecute, he would
conduct the present party to the plunder, or a part of it. The
promise was readily given, and the fellow was unbound and remounted without any trammel, but with this comfortable assurance, that if he tried to escape or to betray them into any rendezvous of robbers, he should be instantly shot down, and that
whether they died themselves for it or not.
The fellow accordingly led them into a deep ravine on Big
Wolf Creek; and there, sure enough, some in a cave and some
in a hollow tree, were portions of the merchandise-it being
evident also, that within a very few hours a still larger portion
had been removed to some other depot! By the force of additional threats, promises and entreaties, the rascal named the
other robbers, he being merely a subordinate; but as no small
hazard would be encountered in attacking the temporary cabin,
where the principal robber and the remaining goods were, it
was determined, first to get additional volunteers and make
more suitable preparation.  Packing the damaged and soiled
goods on their horses, the sheriff's party returned with their
prisoner to the village of Shanteburg, and redelivered him to
the jailor, intending, if his information proved substantially correct, to have the fellow not only liberated, but otherwise rewarded.
Two others volunteered to join in the robber-hunt.  And
early on the next morning they came in sight of the cabin.




190              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
When within fifty yards, the robber stepping to his door, let his
rifle fall in that peculiar manner that belongs to a practised
marksman, at the same time warning off his visitors, and solemnly swearing he would kill the man that first approached his
barricade. At the instant, however, of the man's appearance,
and even before he had fairly uttered a word, our friends had
"treed" in a twinkling, and now stood with pointed weapons
and keen eyes towards the bold thief.  Glenville, on leaping
from his horse, instead of treeing, stood boldly out, and thus
exclaimed, loud enough to be heard by all: "Sheriff, you are
all running this risk for me-'tis my duty to lead. I'll attack
the scoundrel; if he shoots me- avenge my death!"  With
that he fearlessly advanced with his levelled rifle, and then halting, called to the villain: "Throw  down your gun-in ten
seconds one of us is a dead man-one, two, three:" and so the
two stood, each with his bead darkened by the other's breastthe sheriff's men, also unwilling to shed blood-yet with a finger
every man on his set trigger-till Glenville called " seven"when the robber suddenly threw up his muzzle, and cried out
"surrendered "  The next instant he was seized and bound.
This was the leader. Iis main accomplices were not discovered,
and only another portion of the stolen goods; which, together
with the robber, were now conveyed in triumph to Shanteburg.
That afternoon the fellow was lodged in jail, and of necessity in
the same room with the subordinate thief: yet, while all possible care was used to prevent escape, in less than forty-eight
hours both contrived to get out! and from that hour neither
they, nor the remainder of the nerchandize was ever seen or
recovered.
This pleasant adventure, terminated Mr. G.'s first essay at
store-keeping. It gained him, however, a character, and no one
would have become so popular in the New Purchase, but for
mistaken opinions in the neighbours about " Mr. Carlton's bigbuggery and stuckupness."  As it was, Glenville nearly went
over Simpson rough shod. And all these little affairs aided our
firm in disappointments and losses; for then the senior would
say



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    191
"Well! —we might have had better luck."
And the junior would reply,
"Why, yes-and another consolation: this is not the first
disappointment, and it wont be the last."
We, in short, thus learned to imitate the sailor, who, in witnessing a conjuror's tricks, was pitched into the yard by the accidental blowing up of some gunpowder; but supposing this to
be one of the tricks, he held on to his bench, and exclaimed:
" Well! -what next?"
CHAPTER XXVI.
-  0 Cromwell I Cromwell!
Had I but served my God with half the zeal
I serv'd my King, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies."
Is the way of a transgressor hard? that of a politician is not
much easier.  He is usually a slave first, and a time-server
afterwards. In the Purchase, the sovereign people are the most
uncompromising task masters; and he that wishes to serve
them, had better first take a trip to Egypt and learn the art
of doing brick without straw.  In certain districts, fitness,
mental and moral, is a secondary qualification in a candidate;
he must be a clever fellow in the broad republican sense. For
instance, he must lend his saddle to a neighbour, and ride himself bareback; he must buy other people's produce for cash,
and sell his own for trade or on credit; and, on certain solemn
occasions, he must appear without a coat, and in domestic muslin shirt-sleeves;-his overalls hung by half a suspender, and a
portion of the above named muslin curiously pouched between
his vest and inexpressibles. His face must wreathe, or wrinkle,
with endless smiles; and his ungloved hand be ready for a
pump-handle shake with friend and foe alike: because a foe
often presents his hand to ascertain if " the fellow aint too
darn'd proud to shake hands with a poor man!"




192              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
Is the man of honour invited to eat? he asks no questions
for conscience' sake, or the stomach's-the two things being
in many people the same. Is he asked to stay all night? he
never wonders where they will find him a bed-there being
only three in the room, and the family consisting of one old
man, and one old woman, two grown sons, three daughters, and
some little folks-he naturally lies down on the puncheons,
with his certificate wallet for a bolster. Or does he share a bed
with two others?-then he recollects it is a free country, and if
one man needs votes, another needs brimstone.  And why turn
up a nose at an odoriferous blanket?-has a bed any right,
natural or political, to more than one sheet?-and why should
not the sheet be under and the blanket above you?-Let go
your nose! has not a long succession of " your dear fellow citizens" slept in the same bed, and between the same articles; and
what, pray, are you better than they to wish clean things?"
" Yes-but I'm nearly stifled."  Tut man!-you'll never mind
it when you get to sleep.  "But it certainly will kill me?"
Not it: men of honour are not so easily destroyed.
"And do any politicians endure all this?"
Certainly: and persons who aspire to rule ought surely first
to serve.  Many remarkable men in Congress, be it known, had
a long training in some Purchase-their meannesses are not of
toadstool growth, if they are of toadstool flavour.
Reader! are you religious?  Then do write a tract to be
scattered any where on election days; and here is your text or
theme:-" Give diligence to make your calling and election
sure."  Among other matters, set forth how it requires not onefourth the labour, toil, anxiety, watchfulness and none of the
base sacrifices of time, comfort and independence to save a man's
soul as to win an election; and, how the worldly honour is not
worth after all even the worldly price paid for it, and much less,
the immortal soul usually thrown in with the rest to boot.
We, of course, did not do some things, and hence Mr. Glenville was soon permitted to remain in private life; still we were
compelled, for electioneering objects, to attend this summer,
several Log-Rollings. For the benefit of our surplus young




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    193
lawyers, and other ambitious gentlemen who have neither trades
nor stores, and who are desirous of rising above the political
horizon, and are meditating to emigrate to the west, we shall
here give a full account of one Grand Log-Rolling, which Glenville and Co., attended this season.
On reaching the place, we found a large and motley assembly
of fellow-creatures-men, women, boys, girls, horses, oxen,
dogs-all of whom, and which, came either to aid or listen, ex
cept the dogs, and these came simply out of philanthropy.
They spent the time mainly in wagging their tails, barking at
rolling logs, and thrusting in their noses wherever there was a
pretext for seeming busy while others were so hard at work;
and yet, excepting some three dozen snakes, four skunks, two
opossums and a score or two of insignificant field rats and mice
and ground squirrels, the dogs caught nothing the whole blessed
day.
Indeed, some secretly thought it would have been just as well
if the musk-cats had been allowed to escape, for, after their capture, the dogs were not altogether so agreeable; yet no candidate or candidate's friends or even their enemies kicked or
whipped a favourite wag-tail.  It was hardly politic to curl your
nose.  What was a fellow fit for, that minded such things?was he the man to go to the legislature and carry skins to a
bear?
The whole intended field, however, was resounding with all
kinds of cries, noises, and echoes, such as shouts-orders-counterorders-encouragements-reproaches-whoas, gees and haws
-hold-on's and let-go's, and that's your sort's —up with him's
to male logs, pull her this way, to female ones, and down-withit to neutrals; with clatter of axes and tomahawks; the thunder
of rolling trunks; the crash of brush; the crackling of flames:
and, over all, agreeably to Gardiner's " Music of Nature," were
heard the shrill outcries of females; the screeching of boys;
the snorting and winnowing of horses; and the howling and
barking of dogs! Never was scene more exciting; and our appearance in working trim, was hailed with the most enthusiastic
cheering; which  compliment being  suitably returned, we
9




194              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
speedily joined the nearest working party.  As for myself,
surely I never did halloa-(holler)-louder in my life: and I
certainly never did work harder for a whole entire hour, dressed
en costume, to wit: —in tow-trowsers, cow-hide boots, and unbleached hemp linen shirt, but without coat or vest, and with
shirt sleeves rolled above the elbows.
We did not attend the gathering, purely out of rabblerousing
feelings; we wanted to hear the speech of ours John intended
to let off at Jerry: for something was expected to-day of Glenville, and he was only a novice in stump elocution, and so we
had, being "high larn'd" and a "leetle" of a politician, made
John's first speech ourselves! Had John been as great a nincompoop as Jerry, he could just as readily have spoken nonsense
off hand; but he knew too much to speak sense without preparation: and so Mr. Carlton had prepared the maiden speech.
This, however, our friend, like some manuscript preachers, delivered more than once; yet always with variations and additions, till at last the very theme and text were both changed,
and our stump-orator gave, towards the end of the campaign,
a much better speech than he had commenced with.
Our historian, as has been hinted, did not figure a very long
time with the handspike, having luckily discovered some pretext
for soon joining a squawking and frolicsome squad of boys, girls
and young women, engaged in the "niggering-off."  Where it is
designed to make " a clearing," the owner has the trees, cut
down, or "deadened;" that is girdled by a deep cut, two inches
wide. If the majority of the trees are thus girdled, the field is
called-" a deadening,"-otherwise it is "a clearing."  Now, it is
to a clearing the log-rolling, or, for brevity's sake, " a rolin," pertains. In order to the rolling, the owner has had all prostrate
trunks cut into suitable lengths, and the bushy tops preserved
as fuel for the log-heaps; still many trees remain to be prepared
even on the grand rolling day; and such of course require the
neighbours' axes and hatchets.
In fifty or more places of the clearing, in many parts of the salme
prostrate trunk, logs are making, and with wonderful celerity,
by another process —an almost noiseless process, too, and re



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    195
quiring, like Yankee factories, only women, girls and children.
And this is the niggering-of.  It is thus performed: A small
space is hacked into the upper side of the trunk, and in that for a
while is maintained a fire, fed with dry chips and brush; then at
right angles with the prostrate timber, is laid in the fire a stick of
some green wood, dry fuel being yet added at intervals, till the
incumbent stick, sinking deeper and deeper into the burning
spot, in no very long time, if properly attended, divides or niggers the trunk asunder.
The terms of this art are derived from the marvellous resemblance the ends of charred logs have to a negro's head-another
fact on which abolitionists may dilate with great pathos in the
next batch of popular lectures, on the wickedness of our prejudices; although, it must be remembered, that our black rascals
out there invented the term themselves!
The axe is truly a mighty agent in the civilization of new
countries.  Fire is a greater-and only in a New Purchase,
and in the niggering operation is the famous copy-book sentenee illustrated properly-" Fire is a bad master, but a good
servant:" its mastership belongs to our log-burnings.  Without the aid of fire, the stoutest heart must be appalled at the
thought of hewing out with the axe a farm  from  our forests;
and yet with the aid of fire, even females may achieve that enterprise.
When the logs are all cut, or niggered, they are then rolled, and
dragged together, in different parts of the clearing; and usually
to the vicinity of some huge tree deadened, or perhaps living,
and waving its melancholy arms over the mutilated bodies and
mangled limbs of its slain children and filiends.  Ah! happy if
the tree be dead; for it is destined, if not dead, to a dreadful
end-to be burned alive! Oh, poor tree! thy former friends
are compelled to become thy worst enemies-their several
trunks are gigantic faggots! Alas! the pile rising up, as log
after log rolls heavily against thy quivering column, amid our
labour, and shouting, and uproar, that pile, now surrounded,
and crowned with a tangled world of brushwood, is thy sumptuous and magnific pyre! Monarch! of a thousand years, thou




196              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
shalt die a kingly death! Nor wouldst thou be spared-only
to sigh among strange harvests, soon to spring around —to sigh
for the shades and shadows, and touching branches and kissing
leaves of departed trees! No-thou wouldst not choose to
survive thy race!
The piles are sometimes lighted at the end of the rolling;
oftener by the settler's family at their leisure.  To-day, however, as we were a very large party, and had, therefore, finished
the rolling early in the afternoon, it was resolved, that immediately after the candidates should have done speaking, all the
heaps and piles should be kindled at once.  Now, to their praise
be it forever recorded, that both John and Jerry had, as their
friends allowed, "worked most powerful hard and steady:"
but their enemies must determine whether this diligence was
out of disinterested love to the settler, or with a single eye to
the vote of the settler's eldest son, who, as his father accidentally remarked, would be entitled to a vote at the next election.
Indeed, as the zealous partizans had closely imitated their respective candidates, more unfigurative, practical and innocent
log-rolling was done to-day than was ever witnessed; and I secretly made up my mind that outr next log-rolling in Glenville
should happen just before the fall election; when we could get
the opposing candidates to lead the work.  It is not improbable
that our host to-day had had the same thought; at all events,
our candidates certainly sweat for their expected honours; and
if John did gain them, he worked for them-but Jerry! alas!
he toiled in vain! And alas! it blistered my hands! But then,
after this I was unanimously voted " a right down powerful
clever sort of a feller!" and more than one very pretty young
woman " allowed she'd be Mr. Carltin's second wife, when his
old woman died!"
After all, candidates are of some use; and the great majority
can do more good in natural log-rolling than in the metaphorical
sorts common among the dirk and pistol lawgivers of deliberative assemblies.  Nay, a very few hundreds of rival and zealous
candidates would, in a year or so, if judiciously driven under
proper task-masters, clear a very considerable territory.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    197
As Mr. Jerry Simpson declined speaking, the candidate today stood not on a stump to make his address, but on a very
large log heap, sustained by a living oak more than three hundred years old!-an incident to me full of interest. Our first
speech-the first of the sort I ever wrote-the first he ever uttered-our first speech was poured forth over the ruins of greatness-a prostrate wilderness! The youthful speaker, the dear
friend of many years, stood on a funeral pyre! while above
him waved the sheltering branches of the tree, soon to be sacrificed and writhe in a tempest of fire! And ours was the first,
the last, the only oration ever made by a Christian under its
protection! the grand old tree seeming to wonder at the semicivilization that had wrought such havoc in its domain-while it
knew not that the ceasing of Glenville's voice would be a signal
for lighting the fires!
The speech need not be described.  It was, of course, rather
ad.captandumish; well written, however, but still better delivered and handsomely varied. Hence, if it gained no new votes,
it secured the old ones.  And that is no light praise, where a
word, a look, a gesture, or even a smile changes voters.  Not
to lose is then to gain. The new settlers acted with the strictest impartiality —they divided their interest.  The father had
"know'd Jerry's father, and often heern tell of Jerry himselfand so he would never d'sart an old friend;" but the son,
" darn'd his eyes (a peculiar kind of stitching) if he wouldn't
go for Glenville; as cos he hisself was a young man, and so
was tother-and as cos he'd give him  a sort of start in his
clearing, he'd give him a sort of start as a public funkshune'er."
And thus the balance of power was adjusted to a nicety; and
thus, also, if the new comers did neither party any good they
did them no harm: pay enough for a hard day's work, considering. For, certainly, a wide difference must appear between
having nothing in your favour and two somethings against you,
and so it was now; hence John and Jerry felt-or at least said
so-as much gratitude as if they had received not a negative
quantity, but a positive favour.
The speech ended, we were divided into Firing Committees




198              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
to light the different piles: after which was to be a grand supper previous to going home.  Very soon then at each heap,
were assembled about half a dozen men, while in all directions
were tearing, scampering, screeching, and yelling women, boys,
girls, dogs and puppies-some carrying fire on clapboard shingles-some with remnants of burning niggering sticks-others
with dry and blazing wood-and the canine helps, some with
sticks and chips in their mouths, and some with the dead snakes
and polecats-so that almost instantly and simultaneously fires
were kindled in several parts of each, and every heap and pile
throughout the whole clearing.  Combustibles had been built
in with the piles; and now a gentle wind was fanning all into
devouring flames.  Yet, after the first crackling blaze, the fires
subsiding, became, at a short distance, barely visible; save in
parts where dry logs had become quickly ignited; and there a
taper-pointed intense flame, shooting up, would remain fixed a
few seconds, and then trembling from its own gathering fury, it
would rise higher and higher, and ever expanding its base as it
elevated the apex.
But by the time our feast was ended, and the shadows
lengthening from the forest told the coming reign of darkness,
a hundred-hundred fierce points of taper flame gleamed in wrath
from every crevice, or darted from the dense clouds of black
smoke;.and in many places, several points had united their
bases, and were now in one.broad fiery mass, careering in spiral columns of mingled darkness and light.  Now fiercer winds
were rushing into the vacuum.  The equilibrium  disturbed
through an aerial circumference of many leagues' diameter,
the storm  spirits aroused and excited, came flying on the
wings of a sudden earth-born tempest!  This augmented the
number and intensity of the flames; and these, augmented,
invoked in their madness more furious winds, till a broad, deep
and awful tide of air poured through the clearing, with the force.
and vengeful roar of the hurricane! and up leaped all the fires
in frightful columns and pyramids of living flames quivering with
wild wrath, and coiling, like demon-serpents, around and up the
mighty trees that sustained the pyres! Here and there sheets




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     199
of flame thrown forth horizontally, and seemingly by an intervening body of smoke, detached from the mass of fire, resembled clouds on fire, and burning up from their own lightning!
No breath of life could any longer be drawn in that field of
fire! It was abandoned as a wide tumultuating flood, where
unseen and dreadful spirits held a terrific revel amidst the roar,
and crash, and thunder of flaming whirlwinds!
Far and wide the forest was grandly illuminated; and in
returning home I often looked back and saw the noble trees at
the pyres, tossing their mighty arms and bowing their spreading tops for mercy and succour-like beings sending forth cries
of agony unheard in that fiery chaos! Our home was several
miles from  this clearing, but the next night, on ascending the
bluff on the creek, we could yet see in that quarter a lurid sky,
and now and then fitful gleams of brightness; and even a week
after, as I passed that clearing, the arena was yet smoking, although nothing remained of that part of the primeval forest,
save heaps of ashes and a few blackened upright masses that
for so many centuries had been the living bodies of the lately
martyred trees!
CHAPTER XXVII.
"A merrier man
Within the limit of becoming mirth
I never spent an hour's talk withal,
So sweet and voluble is his discourse."
READER, will you be asked a question.
" Certainly."
Do you ever go to the post-office?
"What a question!"
Well, but are you thankful for a daily mail?
" Pshaw! I never think about it."
Just as I supposed. I was a thoughtless person myself, once.
Now, however, I am  thankful to Uncle Samuel every time I
walk to the post-office.




200               THE NEWV PURCHASE.
In our part of the Purchase the nearest office to Glenville
was at Spiceburg, always nine miles off, sometimes two or
three more.  To that office the mail-if such may be called a
dirty, famished, flapping, scrawny pair of little saddlebags, containing three or four letters in one end, and half a dozen newspapers in the other-the mail came regularly (in theory) once
a month, till the Hon. J. Glenville exerted himself in favour of
his constituents, and then it came very irregularly once in two
weeks. Sometimes there was an entire failure in the saddlebags'
arrival.  And this was occasioned by the clerk at Woodville
Office, who, whenever he discovered no letters for Spiceburg
retained the papers for private edification, and to be forwarded
next mail: at least Josey Jackson, our postmaster, said so.
Sometimes our mail failed because of high waters; although
our post-boy, Jack Adams, a spunky little chap, would often in
such cases swim  over: but then the half-starved wallet was
twice washed away; and when recovered, the news in both let
ters and papers was too diluted and washy for any practical
purpose.
Reader, it was truly sickening, after waiting four endless
weeks with the most exemplary impatience, and after toiling,
not over, but through a road always nearly impassable, and
when passable full of peril, to learn that no mail would arrive
till next month; or what was even worse, that it had indeed
come, but with only one letter, and that maybe for the BigBear-wallow settlement!*  No wonder we finally ceased fiom
all correspondence, contenting ourselves with hiring a man, for
a remnant of sole leather, to bring our newspapers when he
could get them: which luckily he did as often as once in three
months! No wonder during all our western sojourn, the world
never heard of us: although in this we had a very ample revenge, as in that time, we heard nothing of the world.
But this autumn I expected a letter from  my old friend
-Clarence; and so, on a delightful September morning, off I
started, confident of finding his letter.  The road, also, was less
* All things out there are big: if two things of the same name are to be distinguished,
one is called big, and the other powerful big.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   201
bad; and with diligence we should get home about the middle
of the afternoon.  And Dick, too, was in high spirits; for he
always regarded as a holiday, the exchange of the bark mill for
such a jaunt; and he now trotted along the bottomland with
voluntary and most uncommon speed till of a sudden the old
fellow scented, or saw, or heard something which made him
very fidgetty and uneasy.
What could it be?  Dick, it was known, had some finical
ways, but he was now manifestly alarmed, and made some desperate attempts to wheel-when, sure enough, a strange figure
emerged from the tall rank weeds into the road before us, and
continued to move in front, apparently never having noticed our
approach. This figure was undeniably humanj and yet at
bottom  it seemed a man, for there were a man's tow-linen
breeches; at top a woman; for there was the semblance of a
short gown, and, indeed, a female kerchief on the neck, and a
sun-bonnet on the head!  Then again the apparition wore
enormous masculine leather boots, and under one arm carried a
club; although both of the hands seemed to be holding above
the hips, rolls of woollen cloth, very much like a furled petticoat!
Whether the affair would turn out a man dressed in woman's
upper articles, or a woman, in man's lower ones, was to be discovered.  The suspense, however, was not long; for at the
noise of Dick's sneezing-who saw how matters stood, and
gave warning by way of delicacy —the hands of the figure
instantly relaxed their hold on the linsey rolls; and down
dropped a sudden curtain all round over breeches and boots, in
the shape of a veritable petticoat! and before us walked a genuine daughter of the woods!
The universally favourite attire of females (indescribables)
is not, we presume, to be traced to French milliners, male or
female. It originated in the necessities of a new country, where
women must hunt cows hid in tall weeds and coarse grass, in
dewy or frosty mornings.  And to that is owing brief frocks;
although out there, such when allowed to fall to the natural
hang of the articles, shut from view the indescribables-or very
nearly so. Dressed thus in the husband's boots as well as his
9*




202              THIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
thingamies-the limbs of which are worn as our fathers wore
them  within, and not without the boots-our fair lady this
morning, bade defiance to wet grass, running briars, snake-bites,
ticks, and all and every evil incident to cow-hunting!
Of course we exchanged compliments on passing; but Dick
was so dumb-founded by the miraculous transformation at the
sudden fall of the screen, that he shyed and passed without a
wvord. The truth is, I was all but frightened myself!
I need not tell all the silly things that entered my mind at
the thought of such an exhibition in certain places and assemblies-but I was not fairly recovered on reaching Spiceburg;
and the event had perhaps rather increased my good-nature,
and encouraged the hope of finding a long-expected letter.  On
approaching the cabin-office, and while hanging Dick to a.gate
post, a glimpse caught of Josey trying to escape out of a back
door into the woods gave me a sudden pang; for this was
Josey's way of getting off, when there were no letters for his
friends, leaving the matter of explanation to his wife as he
"naterally hated," he said, "to see folks so powerful disapinted."
But I was too quick, and so hailed:
" Hillo! the house, Josey!"
"Ah! hillo; how are you? come walk in-I was a sort a
steppin round the other way-powerful fine day."
"Very-Well. Josey, anything this time 2"
"Well-there was three letters and some papers kim day
afore yesterday-but I wan't in-and Polly, she put them
away-and I aint heern her say that there was anything for
your settlement up thare."
"Why, Josey, one must be for me; it can't be possible the
letter, that a month ago was to b-e here, is not come this
mail!"
" Well-I should a sort a think one of them mought be the
letter.  Glenville's goin a-head most powerful in this part of
the district-Jerry's a clever feller-but we go tother way
down here: if Glenville gits in, we'll try old Uncle Sam, and
have the mail twice a month in these here diggins."
" Yes, but if they manage no better at Woodville or some




TIHE NEW  PURCHASE.                  203
other place, we shall only be disappointed twice a month instead
of once."
"He! he he!-yes-well, let's go back, Mr. Carltin, and
take a look."
Josey's wife now appeared en dishabille, being occupied with
her wash-tub in the space between the cabin and the kitchen;
when Josey; to prepare and smooth the way to my disappointment, said to his lady:
"See here, Polly! don't you think one of them thare three
letters mought be for Mr. Carltin?"
"Nan!" (she heard well enough.)
" Don't you think one of them thare three letters what kim
day afore yesterday, mought be for Mr. Carltin?"
"Well, no, I don't jist ezactly mind-(remember)-but I a
sorter allow maybe prehaps two's for the Snake Run Sittlemint's folks"-washing away as if the article was very hard to
get clean-" and tother was tuk out more nor an hour ago."
Which way, Mrs, Jackson,"-said I, eagerly, as a glimmer
of hope arose —"which way did the person come-perhaps it
was Tommy Robison, as I asked him the other day to call
here, and  -"
"Well-I kind a sorter think as maybe prehaps the man said
the letter was hissin-and I actially seed him a readin on it!"
"Well," said Josey, very tenderly-" let's go into the back
room anyhow, and overhaul the bureau-maybe some how or
nother we mought a overlooked last month-or maybe arter all
one of the two's yourn."
The back room was a closet boxed off with poplar boards, its
junctures pasted over with strips of deceased newspapers; and
it held a bed for the postmaster and mistress, and-a bureau;
of which two drawers were Uncle Sam's Cabinet, the top drawer
for living letters and papers, the second-descending-for dead
ones.  Into this sanctum I was now invited out of compassion,
with the privilege of rummaging for myself.
First, then, the live drawer was jerked out, and Josey and
myself began our search with great system and good judgment,
collecting, as a preparatory step, all the living newspapers into




204              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
one corner, amounting to nearly two dozen, two or three with
envelopes and directions: the rest naked, and thumbed and
dying:-all destined, I fear, tQ the dead drawer. This completed, one letter only remained, instead of two, and that sure
enough for"Missus Widder Dolly Johnsin, at Snake-Run-kere of her
brother near Spiceburg"-(on one corner)-" case he's gone to
Orleens, p. nm., send it to the Widder herself."
But what had become of the other letter. Josey here was
much disturbed, as he knew it had not been called for. At my
suggestion, a shaking of each newspaper was commenced, when
pretty soon out tumbled the second one-and that too, for
Snake Run.  A very scrutinizing search was next instituted under, and into, and around a half-knit stocking, and some little
calico bags nearly full of squash or calabash, or cucumber seeds;
and even a square box half full of roasted store cofiee —but no
chance letter for me could be discovered.  I was about, therefore, to go away much chagrined, when it occurred, that as a
living letter had been concealed in a dying paper, maybe, a letter
might have been buried alive among the defunct articles of the
next drawer: and accordingly a request was made for a peep
into that tomb. To this, Josey, after a momentary hesitation,
replied: " Oh! it's no use no how-still, if it will satisfy a
feller crittur, let's have the overhaul:"-and with that forth
came the repository of departed news, written and printed, and
with such a vengeance-for it stuck a little-that the dead
things, many of them, bounced into the middle of the room,
like criminals' carcasses when galvanized.
Ah! painful sight! that drawer like other graves-in some
cities-was too full!-it contained more than the living world!
And the frightful way that papers and letters were huddled,
must soon have killed a delicate and sensitive thing-a love
letter, for instance, if by any mischance it had come down from
the upper drawer alive! Well, we rummaged-and shookand tossed-and pitched for a good quarter of an hour, till out
leaped a letter-a real living letter-folded in a civilized way
-and actually superscribed:




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   205
"Robert Carlton, Esq.  Glenville Settlement, etc., etc."and post-marked —" Princeton, N. J."
Josey was, of course, completely mystified, and began twenty
awkward apologies; but, although not a little provoked, I was
so rejoiced at the resurrection of my letter, and Josey was so
sorry, and after all, so clever a fellow, that he was cordially forgiven: —and that, reader, argues me not spiteful.
I now prepared to return home: but just then, a young chap
rode by on his way to Johnson's store; for Spiceburg was a
large village, containing, first, Mr. Johnson's Store; second, a
blacksmith's establishment; and third, Josey Jackson's postoffice, which last was also a tavern, and now becoming a kind
of opposition store: although an opposition post-office would
have been more serviceable, both to town and country. The
chap named, immediately hailed me, and made a proposal for
me to wait till he had done his purchases, when we could ride
home in company. As Sam lived in an adjoining settlement,
and I really wanted company-to say nothing of political news
-I readily agreed to wait, although we well knew it would be
some hours before the bargains were concluded.
In a New Purchase country, "going to store" is as much for
recreation as business, and preparation is made as for any other
treat or amusement.  The store is, too, the place for news, recent and stale-for gymnastics, wrestling, pitching quoits, running-for rifle shooting-for story-telling, etc.-and hence, a
purchaser's stay is not in direct ratio to his intended bargains,
but rather in the inverse; a fellow having only six cents to
spend, will sometimes lounge in and around a store for six
hours! Nor must even that be wholly imputed to the fellow's
idleness. It is in part, owing to his unwillingness to part with
-cash; and when it is considered how very difficult it was
then, and maybe now, in the New Purchase to get hold of
" silver," then it will appear that to lay out even a fippenny-bit
must have become a matter for very solemn reflection, and very
lengthy chaffering.
My friend Sam had come to town with two silver-fippennybits, and a roll of tow linen; and he intended to buy four panes




206              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
of glass, eight by tens, half a pound of store coffee, eighth of a
pound of store-tea, one quarter pound of gunpowder, and a
pound of lead: also, if they could be got cheap, a string of
button moles and a needle.  Sam prided himself on being a
hard hand at a bargain, and Mr. Johnson, I well knew, although
an honest man, was a prudent dealer; and, therefore, I determined to remain in the store and witness the trading. The colloquy opened thus, after Sam had deposited his roll of linen on
the counter:
" Well, Johnson, you don't want no tow linen to-day, I allow
— do you 2"
"If'tis good.  What do you want for it?"
" I allow to take half trade and half silver as near about as
we can fix it."
" Sam, you're joking-we don't give cash for anything but
pork and lard."
"That's powerful stingy-well, what's this piece worth-it's
powerful fine."
" This;" (examining)-"'tis pretty good-'tis worth ten
cents in silver. We give twelve in trade."
"Ketch a duck asleep!-if that'ere tow linen thare aint
worth fifteen cents in store-tea or coffee ither, I'll bet old Nan(his rifle)-again two-shot gun! Howe'er I'll track round a
little-I wants any how to go over to the post-office, maybe
thare's a paper come."
Now this, reader, was all gum; Sam could not read a word.
He intended this as a threat to deal in the opposition store, and
Mr. Johnson so understood it: in fact he had anticipated such
a move, and for that purpose had underrated the linen, intending to rise to the true value as if induced so to do by Sam's
superior dexterity, by which the linen would be secured and his
customer pleased.  And therefore, Mr. J. thus answered:
" Sam! Sam! you're a hard Christian: but I've large payments at Louisville, and you've been a pretty good customer,
and a cent or so aint much-and rather than let you go to
Josey's, I'll give you thirteen cents."
Now this Sam thought just one cent higher than the linen




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    207
was worth; yet it was in reality precisely half a cent less-and
that other half cent Johnson intended finally to give him.
Hence when Sam replied, " Well! I raythur allow as maybe
prehaps Josey would a sorter give fourteen cents; but I don't
like to d'sart old friends, and so says I, jist gimme thirteen and
a half cents, and it's trade!" it was what Mr. Johnson was prepared to hear.  Accordingly, after affecting to consult a book
of prices-I think it was an old counting-house almanac-and
after figuring away at the double rule of three in vulgar fractions, at all which Sam stared as at a magical operation, Johnson at last looked up, and scratching his head, said:
"Let's see-eight-sixteenths is four-eighths, and that is one
half-and half is two fourths-and five per cent-and tow linen
at a discount-why, Sam, you'll break a fellow some day or
other-still I can't lose more than a fraction of a cent on a
yard, and I must not let you go to Josey's.  Well, I'll give
thirteen and a half; and it's a bargain. Now, what will you
have?"
" Well, I'm goin to see how the new skow's comin on-and
you may measure the linen till I get back, and then we'll take
it out in something or nuther."
It was a full hour before Sam's return; and then the quantum  suff. of tea, coffee, glass, etc., etc., being furnished, the
balance of trade was found against him, and he owed the store
precisely nine and a quarter cents.  In lieu of this Mr. J. offered to take one of Sam's silver fips, which although a liberal
discount in Sam's favour, he regarded as right down Jewish
usury; and the storekeeper was obliged to book the nine and a
quarter cents, to be paid in " sang."  Nor was this conduct of
Sam's so very surprising, when it is recollected that for one
hundred and twenty-five cents could be bought a whole acre of
land! bottom  land! trees! spice bush! papaws! and all!
Hence to ask for six and a fourth cents, was asking a pretty
good slice off an acre! Sam was, therefore, really indignant.
He now was getting ready to start home, when spying a
string of button-moles, he remembered he was to buy a fip'sworth; and supposing a prime bargain was to be had for cash,




208              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
he proposed to pay right down one of his silver pieces for the
half of the string, worth in all twenty-five cents.
"Come now," said he, "Mr. Johnson, here's the silver cash
money, right slam smack down, for one half jist of that'ere
leetle bit of a string-"
" Oh! no, Sam, we can't go that-I'll give you so far," replied Johnson, measuring a minor third.
" Well-I've traded a most powerful piece of linin here this
mornin-and I'll be teetotally darned if I wont try Josey, and
see if he won't give me more moles for silver cash money."
Our storekeeper well knew Josey had no moles, and so, after
a feint to retain a customer, he let him go; but no sooner had
he got out of hearing, than our merchant took down his string
of moles, and laughing as he slipped off nearly half into a
drawer, he said to me, " Sam will be back directly, and then I
mean to sell him a little more than the worth of his fip."  He
then suspended the diminished string in its former place, and
shortly after Sam came back, and began:
"Well, I don't like, arter all, to d'sart old friends, and so
says I, jist gimme one half of that blame leetle string-for it's
time me and Mr. Carltin was makin tracks home."
"Ah! Sam, how shall we live these hard times? but I suppose if I must, I must-so down with your dust.  And here's
a full half-and now take which end you like."
Sam chose; and then the dealer stripped off the half, amounting to a good eight cents' worth; while our man of cash pulled
out a small dirty deer-skin pouch, and untying its mouth, he
emptied all the contents on the counter, viz: two silver fips
three "chaw'd bullits," a damaged rifle wiper, four inches of
pigtail tobacco, and three worn gun-flints. But he was evidently even yet scarcely determined to part with his cash; for
he took up first one and then the other fip, apparentiv more
than once about to return both to the pouch, and offer more
" sang:" till at length, believing he had got nearly double as
many moles as he could obtain for "trade," he handed over,
with the air of one making another's fortune, the worse looking
and more worn fippenny bit; and then the other articles, to



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   209
gether with the button-moles, being put into the pouch along
with the widowed fip, he was ready to ride, and we in a few
moments more were on our way home.
My comrade was in high glee at the way in which he "had
made it off o' Johnson," i. e., the way he had just got the worth
of his money.  I too was in high glee, hoping to secure an additional vote for our candidate; and we, therefore, jogged along
very harmoniously.
Not long after our quitting the three blazes, and turning into
the unblazed trace at the Indian grave, it became quite dark;
and we were compelled to ride in Indian file, Dick and myself
in the van, Sam and his quadruped in the rear. Be it remembered, part of his purchase was four small panes of glass, intended to illuminate their new cabin, and make its native
darkness visible in the day. A sort of window had, indeed,
been made by skipping a log in the erection; but our friends
had begun to be richer, and it had been lately voted to have a
sash of four lights at ten cents each; it being most specially for
this, the twelve yards of tow-cloth had been woven, and this
very day sold at Spiceburg. ~ And, even now, Sam, the eldest
son, twenty-one years old last spring, was actually riding homeward with the long coveted glass, done up in two sheets of
coarse demi-paper, and tied across two ways with strong packthread-yes, all safe under his arm!
More than once during the afternoon had he introduced the
subject of glass and windows; and every conversation would
begin and end with a self-complacent, and rather lofty look at
the articles under his arm-the glass by which their cabin was
to be elevated in the scale of architecture, and the family established among the forest aristocracy! Once or twice as we passed
an old cabin without a sash-window, Sam would commenceMr. Carltin, I allow this here glass here of ourn's near about
the right size-aint it?"
"I think so."
"Well-it will look a sort a powerful-hey V'
"Very-we had a sash made last summer, and it helps matters powerful."




210              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"He! he! he!"-(a giggle of exquisite satisfaction-like the
cackle of a hen that has laid a new egg, or the mild squawking
of geese just emerging into the dusty road from a hole in a
grain-field fence)-" he! he! he!-Mr. Carltin, aint it a sort a
funny them ere settlers what's been in the Purchus longer nor
us aint got no sashes?-I allow, it looks a sort a idle in'em."
But now, as we rode in the dark, a fire suddenly gleamed
from the crevices of a cabin, upon which, Sam, with wonderful
anticipative exultation, halloed from the rear"Hillow! Mr. Carltin-that's Bill Tomsin's cabin!-what a
most powerful heap of shine his ere fire would make through
this here glass of ourn if they was all in a winder    "
To this Mr. C. made no reply; for, at the instant his neighbour's thoughtless, blundering brute of a horse tripped over a
root, on to his nose! and away went his rider, not indeed out
of the saddle, but off from the blanket, his only saddle! and
alas! alas! away went the brittle eight by tens!-and in spite
of the forty cents paid in tow-linen, in spite of Sam's chagrin
and almost superhuman efforts to save. them, in spite of the
woful disappointment of the expectants at home, the whole four
panes were, all and each, and every, so cracked and broken as
to defy all emendations from  dough or putty! Yes! in one
short moment, and that a moment of triumph, all visions were
dissipated-visions of a window from  without, and visions
through one from within!
Poor Sam! he was not hurt by the fall: although, I do believe for a moment he wished it had been his arm, and not the
glass. And certainly, had I not been present, he would have
abused his unlucky horse in very irreverent terms, calling him
as it was:
"A most powerful rottin darn'd old carrin-for to go stumlin
and smashin glass that'are away!"
I tried to console my neighbour in the most approved way,
by telling misfortunes of my own, and at last did bring on a
faint laugh-much like one a person makes in trying not to
cry-by narrating the fall of our waiter of glasses.  But still,
forty cents' worth of good tow-linen was no trifle for folks in




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     211
my comrade's humble circumstances to lose; and I did so pity
him, as to say, if he would ride home with me we would give
him an extra pane, procured to mend our own sash in case of
accident, and also three sheets of paper, which, when oiled and
fixed according to directions, would answer almost as well as
glass itself. This cheered him up a good deal; and on reaching
uncle John's, a search was instituted, and to our great satisfaction, two panes were discovered, which were both cordially bestowed on our friend; and also two sheets of foolscap, with directions how to oil, or grease. and paste them on the sash, and
to secure, by two strings diagonally fastened, or as he better
understood it-" kattekorner'd-like."
Sam never forgot this small kindness. Hence, as you may
easily think, reader, not only did he vote our way, but he became an active and rather violent partizan in electioneering,
every where giving, too, a magnific version of the glass and
paper story.  Nay, on the election day he overheard a person
saying to another-" Yes, John Glenville's well enough-if he
hadn't stuck up folks around him-and that brother-in-law of
hissin, Carltin's a reel'ristekrat-and hates poor folks like
pisin:"-upon which what does Sam do, but forthwith strip off
his coat and break in with his doubled fist, as follows:"See! here, I say, mister! you're a most powerful darn'd
liar!-now jist shut up-'cos case you jist go for to say that say
agin-if I doitt row you up salt crick in less nor no time, my
name's not Sam Townsend."
Happily, my complimentary neighbour had no wish for that
pleasant little excursion-" up crick," and no further disturbance
ensued.  I would merely add, that, passing Sam's cabin a few
days after his mishap, I had the pleasure of seeing the sash in
its place, with two glasses in the lower tier, and two papers in
the upper; and to be sure the papers were sufficiently greased;
indeed, so well, as to keep out light as well as water and air;
although, in spite of our use of " diagonal," and its being rendered into popular language, " kattekorner'd-like," the strings
were nearly perpendiculars to the sides, and crossed each other
almost at right angles, and not very far from the centre.




212              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER  XXVIII.
-  neque semper arcum
Tendit Apollo."
"Pleasure after Pain."
WHEN the Indian tribe were departing from  the New Purchase, a distinguished chieftain had suddenly died, and been
buried in aboriginal style, in the spot known in our settlements
as the Indian grave. That spot I could never pass without feeling myself on hallowed ground, often contemplating the scene
with indescribable emotion-more than once with unbidden
tears. The burial place itself was a beautiful natural mound,
abrupt on the side towards the county road, but otherwise of a
regular shape and gradual swell, being hardly, indeed, supposed
a mound on the approach by the Glenville path.  On the summit of this mound was the grave.  It was inclosed by a fence of
small logs, and covered with poles: while a rough post, carved
with Indian hieroglyphics, and its point or top painted red,
marked where the warrior's head rested.
This place was too far from  Glenville for a walk, and we
never hunted in that direction; but, even when'hurrying on a
journey, as I rode by, I could not pass till I paused some moments to gaze, and with a melancholy soul, on this resting-place
of the savage king: and with the most profound sadness and
shame, after learning that this wild and lonely, and regal grave
had been violated!
Around that grave had stood a band of exiles and houseless
wanderers-children of the forest! Trusting to the white man's
faith, they had asked a few yards of earth, where but the day
before the whole mighty wilderness had been theirs-a few
yards where they might lay in his rest their chief, their lawgiver,
their father!  Yes! yes!-there bitter agony of the soul had
been felt, although proudly, perhaps, sternly concealed! Mourn



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   213
ful enough to bury a king and a patriarch in a borrowed grave;
yet was it some alleviation that he was to lie in no dishonoured
ground! If there was sadness, there was grandeur too, in the
thought, that his was the only grave; and that it made venerable
and sanctuary-like so large a forest space!-ay, that for long
years to come white men's children would point and say, "Behold that little mound yonder! —that is the grave of Blue
Fire! —the mighty Indian warrior and chief!"  That grave
would remain a monument, speaking to successive generations
of the pale-faces, and saying-" This was all once the red man's
land!"
What would that tribe of mourning warriors have felt? what
would they not have done, had some fierce and proud apparition
from their spirit-land, revealed that the base sons of white men
would despoil that grave of its treasure, even before the impress
of the departing exiles' feet should be covered by the fall of the
coming autumn leaves?  Yet so it was. Reader! the poor Indian is often cursed for his indiscriminate massacres-has he no
provocations   Do not civilized and nominal Christian men,
with deadly weapons, watch near the sepulchres of their fathers
and sons to wreak sudden vengeance on the robbers of the
tomb?  And dare we condemn the poor, hunted, defrauded Indian, who, finding his father's grave desecrated and rifled, cools
the phrenzy rage of his burning soul in a bath of white -ran's
blood?
Once on my way to Timberopolis, I sat gazing and dreaming
on my horse, near that sad mound; when, not without an emotion of fear, I saw appear a large party.of mounted Indians,
going, as it afterwards was discovered, to visit the Potawatamies
living on a reservation in the north. The party did not halt at
the grave, as probably they would have done, if no pale face
had been there to notice: if they had, although no sign apparently could lead to the discovery that the sacred deposit was
gone, I should have felt, if not afraid, yet truly ashamed. Our
way being for several hours in their direction, we often passed
and repassed one another; and occasionally I rode among the
party, and held a conversation with a half breed that could use




214              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
a little English-till at last, they encamping on the bank of the
beauteous and silvery river, once their own! we parted-my
way leading across the stream, and their path still further up on
its bank. I felt a strange wish to plunge with them into the
dark, tangled wilds of that vast forest, where no white man then
lived-so strong is the love of the uncivilized in some hearts!
But to our story.  Several years prior to our arrival in the
Purchase, two young men, whose youth and ignorance is their
best apology, students of Dr. Sylvan's, on hearing of the burial
of Blue Fire, determined so soon as the Indians should resume
their march for the Mississippi, to take up the body; partly for
anatomical purposes, and partly out of rash boldness: for some
nerve was necessary to the work, while many lagging Indians
were yet straggling in the woods.  And unhappily for our
honour, they succeeded; but not until after a very remarkable
interruption and temporary defeat. And that defeat is my story.
It shall be given, however, in the words of the renowned " Hunting-Shirt Andy," the leader of the party that terrified the resurrectionists, and almost to insanity, and from whose lips we ourselves received the narrative.
Be it premised, that at the time of our story, not more than
three cabins were between Woodville and the river; that on the
Woodville side of the river, the nearest house from the grave
was more than three miles, a wide bayou and marsh interven.
ing-it being absolutely necessary, in passing and repassing to
and from Woodville to the grave, to cross the river.  In many
places were fords, and near them also dangerous holes, from
four to six feet deep; and into these, not only inexperienced
travellers, but even we neighbourhood people, often plunged;
and hence escape from such holes to a terrified man, running
from savages, would be almost miraculous.  On our side, the
cabin nearest the grave was two miles up the river; so that if
any Indians came unexpectedly upon the young fellows, they
would be in hazard of meeting a pretty summary vengeanceand not, I must say, wholly undeserved.
Our narrator was called Hunting-Shirt-Andy, mainly because
he lived like an Indian, and always wore a very wonderful




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   215
leather hunting shirt-his second hide or skin-most curiously
frilled, and elaborately ornamented with bits of skin, birds' and
beasts' claws, and porcupine quills dyed red and green, and
yellow; and also to distinguish him  from  his second cousin
White-Andy, so named because he lived like the rest of us
civilized woodsmen, in a cabin. The story was given in Uncle
John's cabin, at the united request of myself and others, and is
as follows:lunttmg-iliit-1^^q'5 mture
" Well, Mistur Carltin, if you reely wants to hear about them
two young fellers, I don't kere to tell about that Blue Fire
scrape; but case you put it in your book, don't let on about thare
naIses-as the doctor's nevy is a most powerful clever feller
and tended me arter in the agy, and charged me most nuthin
at all, although he kim more nor once all the way over more
nor twenty miles-and the tother one what got most sker'd is
a sort of catawampus, (spiteful) and maybe underhand wouldn't
stick to do you a mischief if he thought you made a laff on him
-albeit, he's been laffed at a powerful heap afore.
"Well, we heern the two was a conin to git up Blue Fire,
and bile him for a natumy, as they call'd it; and all us neighbours was powerful mad about it; as cos couldn't they allow
the poor Injin to lay in his grave; and as cos the. Injins still a
sort a squattin and campin round, mought hear on it, and it
moughtn't be so good for folks's consarns then. And so we
talks over the thing, and allowed we'd make the chaps let Blue
Fire lay; and so, says I to Bill Roland, Bill, says I, let's you
and me make on to be Injins, and skere them  doctur fellers;
and don't let them go for to bile the poor red savage for the
natumy.  Agreed, says Bill, and then we goes and gits ole man
Ashford, and fixes up like reel gineine Injins, and paints our
faces red and clean up our arms, away up here (showing,) and
all on us gits on blankits and leggins and moksins, and teetotally
greases our hair back so-slick-like, and I gits a bit of tin round
my hat, and we takes our tomhoks and rifles and puts off and




216              THE  N EW  PURCHASE.
lies hid near the grave.'Twas just thare, Mr. Carltin, along by
the black walnut stump what I cut down the very next day arter
for rails for Bill Tomsin's yard. Well, thare we all on us lays
down in the bushes on our bellies, a little over fifty yards from
the grave; for we know'd the young fellers was to come at sich
a time; cos they kim  to Squire Brushwood's the night afore;
and the Squire he sends up his little gal to ole man Ashford's
afore sun-up to sort a let us know: and so we was all ready,
when what should we spy a comin but the two young doctor
chaps with a couple of hossis, and a meal-bag, and a spade, and
a hoe.
" Well, we lays teetotally still, and they goes fust and fassens
their hossis to the swinging branch of that thare sugar west o'
the place, and then goes and begins a takin down the pen, and
when they gits it down, they off's coats and begins a diggin like
the very divil.* And jist then we raises up a sort a on our
kneeses; and all draws a bead at that knot in that thare beech
at the tail ind of the grave; I'll show you the knot any day, and
you'll see it's more nor half a foot good above their heads when
they stood up agin the beach, although they arterwards tried to
make the knot out only two inches above their.heads; and then
I gives a leetle bark, like a growlin Injin-and up they pops
both on'em, right under the beech, and looks about most powerful skittish, and then we lets fly three balls crack-wack right
into the knot, and makes bark peel right sharp in that'are quarter; and then out jumps we and raises the yell, with tomhoks
agoin to fling   "
At this very moment our narrator was interrupted by a
terrific burst of thunder, which shook our cabin with much violence, and caused the dry clay of the chinking to curl up in dust
around us like smoke! After a short and revereful pause, Andy
resumed:"That's a most mighty powerful big clap of thunder, and
most mighty near! but it's not a bit more skery than our bullits above them  two young doctors' heads and the reel Injiny
* Soft way of swearing out there.








HUlNTING SHIRT ANDY CRTIES, "STA-W-P D)OCTUR:" BUT THE DocroR ITAS
NO NOTION OF DOING A SILLY THING. STOP, INDEED I      Page 217.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   217
yells us three screeched out! The way they drops tools and
made tracks was funny, Mr. Carltin, I tell you!  You see!
I've seed runnin in my days that's sartin-but if them chaps
didn't git along as if old Sattin was ahind'em, then I allow I
never killed no deer, and that would be a wapper!
" Well-they divides, and the doctur's nevy, he tuk strate up
stream; and ole man Ashford and Bill, they pretends they was
a follerin him —howsom'er they couldn't a ketch'd up no howand so the nevy he runs clare up two miles and gits safe into
Pete's shanty on the bottum, and sker'd Pete hisself so powerful
he was afeer'd to come down, till we sends up and lets Pete into
the secret.
" But tother chap, he was so sker'd he didn't see where he
runn'd, and kept right study ahead slash through weeds and
briars to the river-and me slam smack arter him, as cos I was
afeerd he'd run in and git drownded; for thar's where the water
is deepish, and jist about where you swim'd your hoss, Mr.
Carltin-and so I runs and hollers like a screechowl-' stop!doctur!-staw-u-up!' But the more I hollers, the more he legs
it; case he was more nor ever sker'd to hear an Injin holler
Inglish-Graminy! Mr. Carltin, if he didn't make brush crack
and streak off like a herd of buffalo!-and me all the time
a keepin arter, as I was sentimentally afeer'd now he'd git
drownded; but, darn my leather shirt (Andy would put this
profane stitch into his shirt when he was excited) darn my
leather shirt, if arter all I could make him stop; and in he
splash'd kerslush, like a hurt buffalo bull, and waded and swim'd
and splash'd and scrabbled even ahead rite strate across and up
tother bank-when he stops for the furst time to blow and takes
a look back! And then he sees me a standin on our side and
without no gun, a bekenin on him to stop; for I was too powerful weak a laffin to holler any more-but darn my leather
shirt, if the blasted fool didn't set off agin like a tarrified barr,
and wades clean in all through the bio! and the buttermilk
slash tother side! and never stops agin till he kim to the three
mile cabin! and thare he tells them as how the Injins had all
got back agin, and had killed tother doctur and tuk his skulp!!
10




218              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
And you may naterally allow, Mr. Carltin, the hull settlement
over thare was a sort a sker'd, and sent out scouts and hunters to
see: but when it was found how it all was ezactly, then if they
warn't a mighty powerful heap of laffin, I never kill'd no deer.
" Howsever the Doctor's nevy was good pluck; for he gits
another chap to help, and two days arter when we warn't a
watchin, he digs out the poor Ingin and totes him over to Woodville, and biled him up for a natumy for their shop arter alland so that's the hull story, Mr. Carltin;-but I must be a sorter
goin. I'll fetch that jerked vensin about next week-and them'are deer skins: —but afore I starts, wont you jist play us a
toone on that flute of yourn, Mr. Carltin V"
"Most certainly, Andy-I'll play you a dozen if you can
stay-what will you have?"
"Well!-let's see-thare's one I don't mind it's name nowbut a powerful toone; I heard Mr. Johnsin a fiddlin on it at
Spiceburg-but thare's a somethin about river in it, and it was
talkin of the young doctur's splunge, made me think of the
toone."
"Was it this, Andy?"-(Mr. C. plays.)
"That's him! that's the dentikul toone!-let's see-what do
you call him V"
"Over the river to Charlie."  And accordingly this "powerful toone" was done now in first-rate double-shuffle style, with
very curious extempore variations, and very alarming embellishments; while all the time Andy patted the puncheons with
his moccasin'd feet, and seemed barely able to refrain from
leaping up and dancing; till the music ending, he remarked:
"le! Ie! darn my leather shirt if I didn't know'twas river
somethin!-and I tell you what, Mr. Carltin, if you don't jist
about know the sling of it, about as good as Mr. Johnsin-and
maybe a leetle bit betterer-and the way he makes it hum on
the fiddle!-I tell you what! Well, well-I must be goin, but
I should like to stay and git you to play that'ere meetin toone,
Pisger-(Pisgah, a great favourite then with our religious
world, but which had better been named Gumsnorter)-but I
can't stop —I'm off-good-bye, folks."




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   219
And off he was sure enough; while I treated him during his
exit with Yankee-doodle.  And this compliment Andy felt so
much, that he began capering and yelping, and tossing his legs
and arms, till he reached our bars, which he cleared like a
bounding buck at a flying leap: but within the bushes beyond
he paused a moment, and gave, first, an Indian grunt and bark,
and then such a yell!-it rung in my ears for twenty-four
hours! Then once more he leaped away, shaking the bushes,
scattering old leaves, making brush crack, and at the same time
screaming out-" Sta-up doctur!-sta-a-a-aup!" in all which he
designed a scenic exhibition of his late story; playing like
other celebrated actors different parts, first, his own Indian character, and secondly, the flight of the young doctor.
Reader!-do you believe life is all moping.in the West 
Now be well assured we have other recreations there than
"going to church"-the only one certain hic vel hoec English
tourists grant to us and never use themselves!
CHAPTER XXIX.
" Quack I Quack I! Quack! I I"
Vide Voices of NaturaZ History.-VoL. X.
NOT many weeks after Hunting-shirt-Andy's visit, a very
great and yet very little stranger, for some time expected, arrived at Glenville. Her name not before, but after this arrival,
was Elizabeth Carlton: and she bounced in among us, after all,
by surprise, and about two o'clock one morning.  A curious
figure somewhere had been missed, and the young lady gave an
unexpected notice in some mysterious way of her intention to
join our colony, precisely one week too soon: a common case,
I am informed, with all that have the right of prirogeniture;
others, are better arithmeticians.
It had been arranged that our worthy friend, Dr. Sylvan, of
Woodville, should honour Glenville with a visit on this occa



220              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
sion: but now, about nine o'clock, P. M., Dick was scampering
away at the nominal rate of six miles per hour, towards Spiceburg, with a pressing invitation for the company of the learned
Professor Pillbox, a member of the faculty, and who boarded
with our friend Josey, P. M. This change of medical gentlemen arose from the urgency of the case, as Spiceburg was not
so far as Woodville.  No one in this very enlightened era can
possibly think we trusted Dick to deliver the request-although
if a four-legged being could have done so, Dick was he or itbut still, to prevent misapprehension and the sarcasm of the increasing critical acumen of the times, we now state that John
Glenville went with Dick; and hence, about three o'clock in
the morning, they returned, having secured the professor and
another horse.
This person-of course, the doctor-not being honoured
with any other skin or parchment than the one he was born in,
we, like the Great Unknown, the North American College of
Health of Yankeysville, do, by the native right of every whiteborn American, our ownselves dignify with the title of Professor.  And never was title more appropriate, as he professed
even more than Brandreth's Pills! He could cure warts!eradicate corns!-remove pimples!-and obliterate moles and
freckles.  He knew how to destroy beards so as to prevent
shaving-and how to fertilize the most barren skull till it would
produce a large crop of black hair, in case you preferred that to
red, yellow, or flaxy! He had never-failing remedies for fevers
of every type, grade, and colour-intermittent, remittent, nonitent, bilious, antibilious, rebellious, red, saffron and yellow!
Hence, the Professor utterly and most indignantly scouted
Thompsonianism and all other loud-screaming quackeries of our
quacking epoch:-and setting the highest value on number one,
he cared not for number six.
His language, in bold contrast to his figure, was by that very
comparison heightened in its magniloquence; we mean his medical diction, for other he rarely indulged in, because language
about common affairs was too small for his large utterance.
His were lofty words, and demanded a lofty subject; and HIS




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   221
profession admitted an amazing technical grandiloquence. Professor Pillbox, M. D., was exactly one yard, one foot and ten
inches-low. The Professor's horse, on the contrary, was remarkably high, and large and spirited.  When, therefore, the
Professor was seated on his saddle, and safely ensconced between two hugeous leathern cartouch-boxes made for bottles,
barks, lint, forceps, etc., and above all, for the pills and powders,
and the like cartridges for his principal execution, he seemed
not dissimilar to a monkey-shaped excrescence growing to the
back of the steed! Now his modus loquendi was truly gigantic! and not only did, he always spout forth the hardest technicalities, but even these laden with additimentalities, i. e., Coxicalities,
and elongated elaborifications of sesquipedalia: which last he
would freely have bought of us if not for silver, yet for trade and
in exchange for what he always styled his "medicamentums!"
Poultices, with Professor Pillbox, were always cataplasmsand the patient who had only barked his shins, was always
greatly terrified on hearing that "there was manifest symptomatic manifestations. through the outer exterior epidermis of his
having infracted the tibia!"-for the poor wretch at once gave
over his legs as ruined after that awful sentence on them!
Doses of salts were never mixed with water and swallowed in
our Professor's practice; but he " prepared an aquatical solution of the sulphate of magnesia, and then-exhibited it!"i. e., made the patient look at it before he drank. In this way
the disagreeable taste was properly increased; and so, to speak
in style, the " medicamentum  seemed to act with still greater
potential efficacity:"-for, indeed, some robustious stomachs
out there that would never have budged at the plain dose, were
pretty well stirred by " an aquatical solution!" —proving the
virtue of words.
Our friend never bled a man-he only " opened a vein!"nor did he ever feel a pulse without parading a huge silver
watch, and seeming, with the care-worn and ominous brow of
Jupiter-in Virgil-to be counting the motions of the secondhand: a curious contrast to Death with an hour-glass! although
to some nervous patients nearly as frightful.




222              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
One of our neighbour women, who was often ailing, used to
send for Aunt Kitty to tell her what the Doctor meant; whence
Aunt Kitty came to be regarded nearly as "high larn'd as the
little doctor hisself," and was elsewhere in demand as "the little doctur's intarpretur:" but she always resisted persuasions
"to set up docterin" herself, telling the folks " one old woman
was enough in the Purchase."
An honest woodsman went once with a severe tooth-ache to
Spiceburg, when the Professor, after a long examination of the
patient's mouth, declared with a very solemn little phiz that,
"an operation in dental surgery seemed necessary in order to
extract two of the principal molares!" At which the affrighted
sufferer said, "he was in powerful pain, and didn't kere to let
the Doctor pull out a couple of his old rottin back teeth-but
he'd rather bear the tooth-ache a hull year nor have the dentul
suggery or the principal mol'lerees ither done on his mouth."
Finally, however, one tooth was pulled, the other broken offand half and half, is all patent doctoring does-cures one and
kills another!
The Professor did not rely on symptoms in the morbid body
itself: for instance, he rested not satisfied with the inspection
of the tongue, which he always had protruded instead of vulgarly put-out of the mouth; but he wisely kept two keen eyes
out on the watch for external symptoms-being well disposed
to that way of judging, which determines, if a saddle is under
the bed, that the person in the bed is sick, or dead, from eating
the horse.  Hence, on the present occasion, he came at once to
a very infallible judgment of the case, wholly by external symptoms; for on hearing an infantile cry, which had commenced
just an hour before his arrival, and broken out at intervals
since, he instantly and without feeling anybody's pulse, or inspecting anybody's tongue, or asking a question, but with a very
grand and imposing air, said-" that the lady was as well as
could be expected!" - But he learned, however, a very useful
piece of knowledge, viz: that there is at least one other thing
beside time and tide that waits for nobody.
Still, it was quite edifying to witness the anxious bustling,




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    223
and to hear the learned remarks of our dwarf Esculapius; who,
among other things, was constrained to acknowledge that"unassisted nature had yet mighteous potential efficacity of her
own intrinsic internal force, and that she sometimes required
only the co-elaborative aid of a skilful practitioner to conduct
to a felicitary tendency her wonderful designs!" Hence "he
would only order now the exhibition of a few grains of his
soporific sleep-producing powder, to induce a state of somnorific
quiescence!!-because he was decidedly of opinion that "with
proper care and no misfortunate reactions, the lady would without dubiety become convalescent in the ordinary time!!"
And, would you believe it, dear reader — all came to pass
precisely as he predicted!-and stranger yet to tell, without the
aid of the soporific powder! For that, by a blameable negligence, Mr. C. himself, who was charged with-the exhibition,
never mixed!! But then to atone and for fear some living
creature might accidentally swallow the exhibition all at once,
and so sleep too long, we very considerately the next day put
the whole paper of somnorific quiescence into the fire.
In the morning, after a very early breakfast, Professor Pillbox, having received the usual fee for his invaluable aid in
enlivening the western solitudes, leaped with amazing agility on
his mountainous horse; which he, indeed, styled "a quadrupedal conveyancer;" and was quickly peering over his cartouchboxes on the way to Spiceburg.
But, reader!-beware of calling this mighty little personage
a quack: for he had, if not a diploma from a college, a regular
license from the State! Oh! the potential efficacity of a true
republican legislature! What can it not achieve?  By a mere
vote, or a legal volition, it can out of nothing-yes, ex-nihilo!or next to nothing create any and every man a lawyer-a physician!-a teacher!-or even a Jackass!!  And these creations
all become the greatest of their sorts!-greater even than the
very legislators that first made them!-streams getting higher
than their fountain!
No, no, reader, our Professor, like others of the kind, had so
great an abhorrence of quackery, that he would not allow Josey




224               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Jackson, his landlord, to keep a single duck!  And two years
after the Hon. J. Glenville's services ended, when Professor
Pillbox himself was sent to the House, he had influence sufficient to procure by a unanimous vote, the passage of the following resolution, and which remained in full force when we left
the Purchase, viz:
"Resolved:-that no quacks but those that are licensed, shall recover the amount
of their medical fees by law."
Vide Journals of the HIouse, VI. Fol. p. 95.
CHAPTER XXX.
" Instant in season and out of season."
THE future historian of the Western church may learn, from
this chapter, that the company of believers of which Mr. Hilsbury was a bishop, whenever about three or four such can be
found, form  an ecclesiastical court, with spiritual jurisdiction
over a given district. A court of this kind was constituted this
autumn in Glenville at the episcopal residence.  The smallest
legitimate number of clergy composed it, and every reverend
gentleman was honoured with an office: Mr. Hilsbury was
made President, Mr. Shrub, of Timberopolis, Clerk, and Mr.
Merry-a bishop, in  transitu-Treasurer.  And  thus was
shown, after all, the practicability of Locke's celebrated Fundamental Constitution of Carolina, found impracticable in Sayle's
province-the offices and dignities requiring every man in the
colony.
But, allow us to introduce the clerk of the court-Bishop
Shrub.  Of this gentleman we shall merely say, that if a profound and an extensive acquaintance with all the important and
various subjects of ecclesiastical learning, together with uncommon research in most other kinds; if the command of elegant
style in writing, and the power of rich and copious elocution in
preaching; if a pious and a conscientious mind, an ardent zeal
in the service of his lMaster, and incessant labours for the good




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   225
of men; if the most engaging and winning manners in conversation; if all these and similar excellences, possess charms, then
would the reader have rejoiced to know Bishop Shrub, and
would have classed and cherished him among the most highly
estimated friends.
As Mr. Merry will speak for himself in this chapter, the reader
may say what he thinks of this person after reading his Buckeye
Sermon, delivered at Forster's Mills.
Among the decrees of the New Purchase Council, it was ordained that Brothers Shrub and Merry should perform  a missionary tour of some weeks between 410 and 420 N. latitude,
and in a region destitute of any spiritual instruction; a regieo
indeed almost destitute, it proved, of inhabitants too, the thin
"sprinkle" having, in all probability, sought a place free from
all trammels, political as well as ecclesiastical. The brethren
took neither purse nor scrip, and expected no present reward
farther than the pleasure of doing good; and yet they laboured
as if in expectation of being at the end of the tour, thrown into
a modern bishop's see-not of glass, but of silver and gold, and
other clinking evils. Having myself long desired to visit the
country now laid out as missionary ground, I begged permission
to join the party; which request being cheerfully granted, away
we started as-missionaries-hem! See, then, reader, "how
we apples swim!"
During the excursion, three discourses were delivered daily,
the ministers alternately preaching, and the times being usually
ten o'clock, A.M., two o'clock, P.M., and five o'clock in the evening.  In proceeding up the river-the Big Gravelly-appointments were left for our return, and also sent on before us, by
any chance person found going towards the polar circle. Nor
did any one show reluctance to bear the message; although on
overtaking once a woodsman, and begging him to name some
place where we could preach next day, at ten o'clock, he replied:
"Well, most sartinly, I'll give out preachin for any fellercritturs whatsoever-and Forster's saw-mill is jist about the
best planp. in all these parts-but I sorter allow'taint no use no
10*




226              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
how  much-as folks in them  diggins isn't powerful gospelgreedy."  And then excusing himself from hearing Bishop Shrub
that same evening, he rode suddenly down an abrupt bank of
the river, and plunged into water, barely admitting his large
horse to go over without swimming: yet he faithfully made the
appointment at the mill for his " feller-critturs," although of our
neighbour himself we never saw more.
Our churches, of course, were usually cabins, our pulpits
chairs; but the church at Forster's saw-mill deserves special
commemoration from the odd oddity of the place, the audience,
and the sermon of Brother Merry.
The church was literally in the mill; nor was this a frame
building, painted red, with flocks of pigeons careering round, or
perched on its dormer windows, or strutting and billing, and
cooing and pouting along the horizontal spout; while on a neighbouring elevation stood a commodious stone house, the owner's
and mason's names handsomely done on a smooth stone, near
the summit of its gable; and smiling meadows stretched away
along the dancing waters-concomitants rendering a mill so enchanting in old countries! no, no:-here was a naked, unplanked saw-mill! a roof of boards, twisted, warped and restless, on the top of a few posts; the prominent objects being the
great wheel, the saw itself, and the log in the very act of transition into plank and scantling!
No human dwelling was in sight, and it was afterwards found
that the owner and his men lived three miles from the mill;
that they went home but once or twice in the week, eating during the day, when hungry, of cold corn and fat pork, and sleeping during the night in the snuggest corner of the mill-shed, and
drinking both day and night, when thirsty or otherwise, freely
of water and-whiskey.  For prospect around was an ugly,
half-cleared clearing, with piles of huge logs, not to be burned,
however, but sawed. The dam was invisible.  A large, square
trough conducted a portion of the Big Gravelly river to.its
scene of paltry labour; and there the water, after leaping angrily from  the end of its wooden channel, and indignantly
whirling a great lubberly, ill-made, clattering wheel, as in de



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   227
rision of its architect, hurried impatient along a vile-looking
ditch, half choked with weeds and grass, to remingle with the
sparkling, free stream below!
Meeting, then, was to be held on a few loose planks, constituting the floor, laid ad capsisum!  The pulpit was to be the
near end of the log, arrested for a time in its transformation to
lumber; while at the far end was to be the congregation-at
least the sinners, who might sit, or lean, or recline, or stand, as
suited convenience.  The congregation was big of its size, consisting of the saw-miller, Mr. Forster, and Mr. Forster's two
men-and also, three hunters, who, accidentally hunting in the
neighbourhood, had chanced to stop just now at the mill-in all
six sinners; more, however, than are allowed in a Puseyite
cathedral, where conversions are unfashionable!
As we rode up, a few minutes before ten o'clock, the saw was
gnashing away its teeth at the far end of the log, nor did it cease
till we had entered the shed; and then, the owner unwillingly
stopped the performance, seeming, by his manner, to say" Come, let's have your preaching powerful quick, the saw wants
to be cutting agin."  This was far from  encouraging; yet Mr.
Merry, whose turn was to preach, began his preparations, observing, in a conciliatory way, that he would not hinder his
friends very long, but that we felt it would not be right to pass
any settlement where the neighbours were kind enough to give
us an opportunity of preaching.'The preacher's manner so far
won on our sullen congregation, that Mr. Forster and two
others took seats in a row on their end of the log; while two
leaned themselves against the saw-fi'ame, and one against an adjoining post: Brother Shrub and Mr. Carlton sat among the
saints at the pulpit-end of the log, like good folks and penitents
in churches with altars.
In this combination of adverse circumstances, great as was
our confidence in Mr. Merry, who was as used to this sort of
matters'as are eels to skinning, we feared for his success to-day.
Yet he began seemingly unembarrassed, holding a small Testament, in which was concealed a piece of paper, size of a thumb,
and pencilled with some half a dozen words, constituting the




228              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
parson's notes! And notes in the New Purchase and the adjacent parts are always concealed by preachers who use them; for
the use of such argues to most hearers, a want of heart religion;
beside that no place is found in our pulpits to spread out written discourses. To have used in Forster's mill-meeting to-day,
any other than the thumb-paper just named, would have been
considerably worse than ridiculous-it would have deserved a
scratch or so from Mr. Forster's saw-teeth, or what is next to
it, a scourging from Lord Bishop Baltimore.
Brother Merry quickly perceived that even the plainest and
almost child-like topics with suitable language and illustrations
failed to preserve his spectators' attention.  One man began to
look at the ditch where now the water was trickling along with
a subdued voice; another, to cut a clapboard with his scalpingknife; and Mr. Forster looked wistfully at his saw, evidently
more desirous to hear its music than both our preachers' voices
together. Something desperate must then be attempted to
arrest attention, or hope of doing good at present abandoned.
For while true that men cannot hear without a preacher, it does
not follow that they will always hear with one: and hence Mr.
Merry, after some vain attempts to convert spectators into
auditors, suddenly stopped as if done preaching, and as if talking, commenced thus:
" My friends and neighbours don't you all shoot the rifle in
this settlement?"  That shot was central: it even startled the
Rev. Shrub and myself.  The man using up the clapboard
looked- like an excited dog-his very ears seeming on full cock;
and Mr. Forster was so interested that he answered in the
affirmative by a nod. " So I thought.  No hardy woodsman
is ignorant of that weapon-the noble death-dealing rifle. Ay!
with that and the bold hearts and steady hands and sharp eyes
of backwoodsmen, what need we fear any human enemies."
(Approving smiles from all accompanied with nods and winks)
-" And no doubt you all go to shooting matches?"-(Assent
by a unanimous nod and wink)-" Yes! yes! it would be
strange if you never went. Now, my dear friends, I have no
doubt some of you are first-rate marksmen, and can drive the




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    229
centre off-hand a hundred honest yards."  (Here one man on
the congregational end of the log stood right up, and with a look
and manner equivalent to "I'm jist the very feller what can do
that.")  "Yes! I see it in your looks. I'm fond of shooting a
little myself;'tis very exciting-and when I indulge in shooting, I have to keep a powerful guard over my heart and temper.
For don't we feel ourselves, neighbours, a right smart chance
better than persons that can't shoot at all? Perhaps we feel a
sort of glad when a neighbour makes worse shots than ourselves
-perhaps we even secretly hope the man firing against us may
miss, or that something may happen to spoil his chance? And
then, when we make good shots, don't we walk about sometimes
and brag a little-even while we hate to hear anybody else
bragging?  Come, my honest friends, don't we all on such occasions do some things, and say some things, and wish some
things, that when we get home, and are alone, and begin to
think over the day, make us feel sorry about our conduct at the
shooting? Come, we are all friends and neighbours here, to-day
-aint it so?"  (Several nods in assent-but no smiles as at
first-with fixed attention, and a go-on-Mr. Preacher-look, at
the far end of the log)-" Yes, yes, my dear friends, it is sothat is honest and noble in us to confess: now there is a rule in
this Book-you all know what it is-a rule saying, that we
ought to do to others, what we, in the same circumstances,
would wish them  to do to us.  And surely, that is a most
glorious and excellent rule! Well, don't we often forget this
rule at a shooting match? and in more ways than one?  And
again, every sensible man well knows how mean pride is, and
we all despise the proud-and yet, aint we guilty ourselves of
something like pride at a shooting match?
"Well, it seems, then, by our own allowing, we may be
secretly guilty of some bad and mean things, even when we are
not openly wicked and guilty, say of swearing —(shot at a venture)-or maybe drunkenness-(one of the sinners stole a look
at the whiskey jug)-or any other bad practice; and we see, a
man in his heart may be very proud like, and hate his neighbour, even if we do wear homespun, and live in a cabin. (The




230               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
brethren were neatly, but very plain clad.)  Ah! dear friends,
our hearts, mine as well as yours, are much worse than we
usually think-and a shooting match is a place to make us find
out some of our sins and wickedness. You all know, how as
we are going through a clearing, we sometimes see a heap of
ashes at an old log heap-and at first it all seems cold and
dead, but when we stir it about with a piece of brush, or the
end of a ram-rod, up flash sparks, and smoke, too, comes out.
Well,'tis exactly so with our natural hearts. They conceal a
great deal of wickedness, but when they are stirred up by anything like a shooting-match, or when we get angry, or are determined to have money or a quarter section of land at all
hazards-ah! my dear friends, how many wicked thoughts we
have! how many wicked words we say! how many wicked
things we do!"  (Winks and nods had ceased-there was
something in the benevolence, and earnestness, and tenderness
of our preacher's voice and manner, that kept attention rivetted; and it was plain enough, conscience was busy at, I believe,
both ends of the log.)  "Well! now, my friends and neighbours, do our own hearts condemn us and make us ashamed?
Look up to you blue sky above us-that is God's sun shining
there! Hark! the leaves are moving in the trees-it is God's
breath that stirs them! and that God is here! That God is
now looking down into our very hearts! He sees what we now
think, and he knows all we have concealed there! That glorious law we spoke of in this book, that we have so often broken,
is his law! Friends!-would we be willing to die at this very
instant? And yet die we all must at some instant; and if we
repent not and seek forgiveness through our Lord and Saviour
Jesus Christ-you, dear neighbours, I myself, and every one of
us must perish, and-for ever!"
I can. never forget how that word rang out into the adjacent
forest-nor the echo returned, as if sent back from the invisible
spirit land-for ever!
I shall not repeat any more of Mr. Merry's discourse.  His
point was gained. Attention was fixed; salutary convictions
were implanted in the auditors' minds; and they evidently




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   231
increased in depth and intensity as the preacher proceeded.
Nay, when he in a strain of peculiar and wild and impassioned
eloquence, dwelled on the only way of escape from  divine
wrath through the blessed Son of God, our poor foresters gazed
on lbs face with tears in their eyes, and remained till the conclusion of the services, without even the smallest symptom of
impatience.
When meeting was out, the woodsmen cordially shook hands
with us all, and especially with Mr. M.; and expressed a unanimous wish to have, if possible, another meeting at the Saw Mill.
Bishop Shrub was so tenderly affected that as we rode away
and had got beyond hearing at the Mill, he exclaimed —"Amen
to that shooting, Brother Merry! we shall never in this life see
again these poor men-but the effect of this day's preaching
must be lasting as their lives: surely we shall meet them in
heaven!"
Little specially interesting occurred fXter this, till our return
was commenced. And then early one bright morning we turned
aside to visit a deserted Indian town. A few wigwams in ruins
were the only habitations left for the living: but in a sequestered loneliness on the margin of the river, we found by the
swelling mounds and other marks of sepulture that we walked
amid the habitations of the dead! I have ever been deeply
moved by the sorrows and the injuries of the Indian-ever
since childhood-but now so unexpectedly among their graves
-the sacred graves around which Indians linger till the last!
which they so mourn after when exiled far away in their wanderings!-when we looked on the pure white waters where the
bark canoe had glided so noiseless; and heard the wind so
sweet and yet so sad, like moaning spirits, over the tall grass
and through the trees-a feeling so mournful, so desolate came
over the soul, that I walked hastily away to a still more lonely
spot, and there sat down and cried as if my heart were breaking
for its own dead!
When we rejoined one another tears were in the eyes of all!
None spoke-the white man's voice seemed desecration! We
vere true mourners over those graves. Poor Indians! at that




232              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
solemn moment it was in our hearts to live, and wander and
die with you in the forest home-to spend life in teaching you
the way of salvation! Blessed! blessed! be ye, noble band of
missionaries, who do all this!-ye shall not lose your reward!
To-day the evening service was in the neighbourhood of Mr.
Redwhite, for many years a trader among the Indians. He being present, insisted on our passing the night at his house. We
consented. For forty years he had lived among the aborigines,
and was master of five or six Indian languages; having adopted
also many of their opinions on political and religious points,
and believing, with the natives themselves, and not a few civilized folks, that the Indians have had abundant provocations for
most of their misdeeds. Hence, Mr. Redwhite and Mr. Carlton
soon became "powerful thick"-i. e., very intimate friends.
The most interesting thing in Mr. Redwhite's establishment,
was his Christian, or white wife. She, in infancy, had escaped
the tomahawk at the massacre of Wyoming, and afterwards
had been adopted as a child of the Indian tribe.  Our friend's
heathen, or red wife, was a full-blooded savagess-the belle and
the savage;-and had deserted her husband to live with her
exiled people: and so Redwhite, poor fellow! was a widower
with one wife-viz., this Miss Wyoming! Much of this lady's
life had passed among the Canadian French: and she was, therefore, mistress of the Indian, the French, and the English; and
also of the most elegant cookery, either as regards substantial
dishes or nicnacry.  And of this you may judge, when we set
on supper. But first, be it said, our host was rich, not only for
that country, but for this': and though he lived in a cabin, or
rather a dozen cabins, he owned tracts of very valuable land,
presented to him by his red lady's tribe-territory enough, in
fact, to form a darling little state of his own, nearly as small as
Rhode Island or Delaware.  Beside, he owned more real silver-silver done into plate, and some elaborately and tastefully
graved and chased, than could be found even in a pet bank,
when dear old Uncle Sam  sent some of his cronies to look
for it.
Well, now the eatables and drinkables.  We had tea, black




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   233
and green, and coffee-all first chop, and superbly made, regaling with fragrance, and their delicacy aided by the just admixture of appropriate sugars, together with richest cream:-the
additamenta being handed on a silver waiter, and in silver bowls
and cups. The decoctions and infusions themselves were poured
from silver spouts, curving gracefully from massy silver pots
and urns.  Wheat bread of choice flour, and raised with yeast,
formed, some into loaves, and some into rolls, was present, to
be spread with delicious butter, rising in unctuous pyramids,
fretted from base to apex, into a kind of butyrial shell-work:this resting on silver, and to be cut with silver. Corn, too,
figured in pone and pudding, and vapoured away in little clouds
of steam; while at judicious intervals, were handed silver plates
of rich and warm flannel or blanket cakes, with so soft and melting an expression as to win our most tender regards. There
stood a plate of planed venison, there one of dried beef; while
at becoming distances were large china dishes, partly hid under
steaks of ham and venison, done on gridirons, and sending forth
most fragrant odours:-so that the very hounds, and mastiffs
and wolf-dogs of the colony were enticed to the door of our supper-cabin by the witchery of the floating essence!
But time would fail to tell of the bunns-and jumbles-and
sponge-cake-and fruit ditto-and pound also-and silver baskets-and all these on cloth as white as-snow!
Reader! was ever such contrast as between the untutored
world around and the array, and splendour, and richness of our
sumptuous banquet 2  And all this in an Indian country! and
prepared by almost the sole survivor from a massacre that extinguished a whole Christian village! How like a dream this!
And thou wast saved at Wyoming! Do I look on thee?upon whose innocent face of infancy years ago gushed the warm
blood of the mother, falling with her babe locked to her bosom!
Didst thou really hear the fiendish yells of that night? —when
the flames of a father's house revealed the forms of infuriate
demons dancing in triumph among the mangled corses of their
victims! Who washed the congealed gore from  thy cheek 
And what barbarian nurse gave strange nourishment from a




234             -THE  NEW.PURCHASE.
breast so responsive to the bloody call of the war-whoop that
made thee motherless?-and now so tenderly melting at the
hunger-cries of the orphan! And she tied thee to a barken
cradle, and bore thee far, far away to her dark forest haunts!and there swinging thee to the bending branches, bade the wild
winds rock thee!-and she became thy mother, and there was
thy home! Oh! what different destiny thine in the sweet village of thy birth-but for that night!
And yet, reader, this hostess was now so wholly Indian and
Canadian, that when she talked of Wyoming it was without
emotion!-while I was repressing tears! Alas! she had not
one faint desire to see the land of her ancestors! Could this be
Campbell's Gertrude 
CHAPTER XXXI.
" Tend me to-night!
May be it is the period of your duty:
Haply, you shall not see me more I"
THE missionary party was dissolved at Timberopolis, and I
set out for Glenville alone. One night was to be passed on the
road: and I, therefore, so ordered matters as to tarry that night
with a friend, who had cordially invited me to make his house
my home in case I ever should travel that way.
It was early in the evening when I reached his cabin; but no
one, to my surprise, appeared in answer to repeated calls; yet
there being manifested signs of inhabitants, I dismounted, and
entered the house without ceremony. And of course I found
the family-but all in bed! Yes! the mother-and every
mother's son of them, and daughter too:-they had the ague!
Reader!-~supposing one thus far-perhaps you have discovered that the writer is disposed to laugh as well as cry: not
maliciously-but in a spirit of-of-" Good nature, Mr. Carlton?"  That is it, my dear reader; however, our delicacy and
good taste preferred another to praise us. Well, we have found




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   235
that such spirit, within its due bounds, is a great help in sustaining misfortunes and adversities, especially our-neighbours';
and it does seem  a compensative in some natures that their
melancholy states may be followed by joyous and sunny ones.
This premised, what was more natural than that we should
laugh at the Fever and Ague-when our neighbours had this
twin disease   At last, however, I was seized with this mirthcreating malady myself: and of course you wish to know how
I behaved myself. Well, at first I laughed as heartily as everjust as I once did in the first stage of sea-sickness. And then I
took emetics, and cathartics, and herb-teas, and barks, and bitters, and quinine, and hot toddies seasoned with pepper, oh!
with such winning smiles! —that the folks all said-" it was
quite a privilege!-hem!-to wait on me!"
Fye! on our hypocrisy and selfishness! all this captivating
behaviour arose from a persuasion that it would aid a speedy
cure! And for a time the enemy seemed willing to be smiled
away-with the "coelaboration" of the above smile-creating
doses-and, I do believe, we got to laughing more than ever.
But one day after my cure, on returning from a little walk extra
-with a rifle on my shoulder-a very gentle, but rather chilly
sensation began very ridiculously to trickle down my spineand there, would you believe it, was our Monsheer Tonson
again!
Now, be it remembered, here was a surprise and a cowardly
and treacherous assault, if I now for the first looked-grum:
besides it was evident good nature was no permanent cure for
the ague.  Nay, Dr. Sylvan told me that once he had the ague,
and repeatedly after he was cured the thing kept sneaking back
and down his back; till on the last occasion coming, after it had
seemingly been physicked to death like some of the patients, he
was so incensed at its impudence as to set to and so kick and
stamp and toss and dance and wriggle about, that the fit was
actually stormed out! and from that hour no ague, dumb, vocal,
or shaking had ever ventured near him! Had I heard this in
time, my insidious foe would have been treated to a similar assault and battery. But, perhaps, so violent exercise on my part




236               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
might have only accelerated and made fatal a crisis now approaching; for soon I became so alarmingly ill that John Glenville was posting to Woodville for Dr. Sylvan: but before he
could have reached that place I was raging in the delirium of
fever!
Two things in the events of that dreadful night seem worth
mentioning: first, while nothing done to or for me was known,
I have to this day the most distinct remembrance of my phrenzy
visions; and secondly, that hours dwindled into minutes; for
seemingly only to shut and open my eyes, it was said afterwards that then I had slept even two full hours!-and that my
countenance and motions indicated a state of fearful mental agitation. In that state two visions, each repeated and re-repeated
with vivid intensity, and seeming to fill spaces of time like those
marked by flashes of lightning, were so terrific and appalling as
to force me to violent gestures and alarming outcries.
One vision was this. A gigantic cuirassier, more than twenty
feet high, and steel clad, was mounted on a mammoth of jet
black colour and glistening, and moving with the grace and
swiftness of an antelope. On the rider's left was couched a
spear, in size like a beam, and its barbed point flaming as the
fires of a furnace: while in his right hand was brandished an
immense sword of scimetar shape, and so intensely bright as to
blind the beholders. To oppose this apparition was drawn out
in battle a large army, with all the apparatus of war, swords,
spears, smaller fire arms, and the heaviest artillery-the troops
being in several lines, with cannon in the centre and rifles on the
wings; and all ready with levelled weapons and burning matches
awaiting the onset of the terrific rider-Death! Soon came a
signal flash from  the heavens clothed in sackcloth looking
clouds-a kind of meteor sunlight-and at its gleam the cuirassier, on his Black Mammoth, like a tempest driven by a whirlwind, swept rushing on!-the nostrils of the strange beast
dilated with fiery foam, his hoofs thundering over the rocks and
streaming fire; while the rider, upright in the stirrups, poised
with one hand his spear, and with the other flashed his scirnetar,
and uttered a war-cry so loud and clear as to reach the very




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   237
heavens and appal and confound the stoutest hearts! At this
instant would I be possessed with a strange and invincible furor,
and pouring forth shrieks and outcries in answer to the war-cry
of the warrior-spirit, I would strike with my clenched hands as
if armed with weapons-while the army awaiting our now combined onset raised their responsive shouts of defiance, and then
poured out against us stream after stream of fire, with the clatter
and crash and roar of many thunders-but in vain!-On, on, on
we rushed!-the earth shook and groaned and broke asunder
into yawning gulfs and sulphureous caverns!-and down, down,
down sank the troops, smitten, dismayed, crushed!-while the
Black Mammoth, reeling from ten thousand balls, and spears
and barbed arrows, with the fiendish voice of many demons,
plunged headlong into the discomfited host, and there falling
with the shock of an earthquake, crushed men, cannon, horses,
spears, into one horrible, quivering mass! Then, from amidst
this ruin, up sprang the giant-spirit, with triumphant shouts, and
strided away to mount another Black Mammoth, and renew
with variations this battle of my exhausting vision!
My other vision was as solemn to me as ever can be the very
article of death.  Methought I lay in a little, narrow, frail
canoe, and with power neither to move nor speak-yet with as
keen perceptions as if I were all senses. The canoe itself was
at the head of a gulf, tied to its bank with a twine of thread and
trembling on its violent waves; the gulf being between walls
of rock towering away up smooth and perpendicular for many
hundred feet, and running with dark and dismal waters very
swiftly towards a narrow opening through an adamantine rock.
That opening was an egress into an unknown, bottomless, shoreless, chaotic and wildly tumultuating ocean! —I felt, myself
quivering on the current of time just as it was sweeping into
Eternity!-I saw strange sights! —I heard unearthly sounds!
Oh! the unutterable anguish and despair as I lay helpless and
awaited the sundering of my cobweb tie-in the twinkling of
an eye should I pass into that vast and dread unknown!
Reader! was this really sleep-and did I only dream?-or
was it the summoning of the spirit to see in a trance what




238              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
awaits us all? Aye.! be assured our dreams are not always
dreams! A spirit-world is around us-and it is perhaps in
such visions God designs we should catch faint glimpses of that
other state.
*       *        *. *           *       *
When Glenville returned from Woodville, he was accompanied not by Doctor Sylvan, but by the Doctor's nephew-one
of the two young gentlemen of Indian grave memory. And he
brought a long paper of written and minute directions; and
among others, the Doctor's favourite plan of changing the
character of agues-for making a dumb ague speak or shake.
Here is an extract from the Doctor's paper, so that it can be
better judged whether my refusal to try the mode of cure was
altogether owing to obstinacy:4"           and then, as the shaking ague is altogether
tractable, his dumb ague must be immediately changed into the
other. Carry then your patient into the passage between the
two cabins, or into the open air, and strip off all his clothes that
he may lie naked in the cold air and upon a bare sacking-and
then and there pour over and upon him successive buckets of
cold spring water, and continue until he has a decided and
pretty powerful smart chance of a shake."
Ohhoo! ooh!-(double oo in moon, with very strong aspiration)-it makes me shake now!
Well! —at long last the dumb thing left me; so'that I lived
to write more books than two: but we shall not say how often
we "put on a damp night-cap and relapsed," nor how apparently near what began in laughing came to ending in tears.
Only let our reader draw from this case two practical resolutions:
First-to cultivate a fixed determination never to get any
kind of an ague-if he can help it: and
Secondly, to indulge in no unseeming pleasantry when he
sees a neighbour shiver or shake-unless that neighbour insist
manfully that you shall laugh rather than cry with him.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    239
CHAPTER XXXII.
THIRD YEAR.
"Our dying friends come o'er us, like a cloud,
To damp our brainless ardour, and abate
That glare of light which often blinds the wise.
Our dying friends are pioneers, to smooth
Our rugged paths to death."
THE commencement of our third summer was marked by an
event very sad to our little selfexiled company in the woodsthe death of Mrs. Glenville.
Were all here said affection prompts and truth warrants, a
volume might be easily written, interesting to most, but specially to that comparatively small yet most excellent class,
known as religious people: for never had such a brighter ornament or safer pattern. No one, except the inspired person who
first gave the exhortation, could more truly have said with her
lips to her friends as she did by her life-" Be ye followers of
me as I am of Christ." But none ever was so unwilling to appropriate that or similar expressions: she was too pious, too
humble and meek and childlike ever to think her lovely temper,
resigned spirit, and disinterested goodness to be, as they were, a
bright and burning light.
In early life she was said to be surpassingly beautiful. But
danger and temptation from  beauty were soon prevented; in
the midst of her bloom her enchanting face was for ever marred
by the fearful traces of the small-pox. Yet spite of this, and
even in advanced life, rare was it to behold a countenance more
agreeable than hers; in which was the blended expression
of pleasing' features, benevolent feeling, pure sentiment, and
heavenly temper.  The original beauty of the countenance had
seemingly been transferred to the heart; whence it beamed
afresh from the face, refined, chastened, renovated. Her person




240              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
was tall and finely proportioned; and so imposing her mien,
from a native dignity of soul, that had her original beauty remained, Mrs. Glenville must have always appeared a Grace.
She was well educated and extensively read in history, and
many other important secular subjects, but her chief reading
had always been that best of books —the Bible: indeed, to this,
during the last few years of her sorrowful life, her whole attention was given. She, however, read now one other book-a book
we name, although with no expectation of its obtaining favour in
an unreflecting age-" Ambrose's looking unto Jesus."  And
these two books, in the latter months of her life, owing to the
nature of her disease, she read on her knees! That disease was
an aneurism of the femoral artery, of long continuance, and towards the last exceedingly painful-and which, from an early
period of its existence, had been pronounced fatal. Yet all this
created in her no alarm, produced not the slightest murmur, and
abated not her customary cheerfulness and playful vivacity.
Nay, she tried even to comfort and encourage our little settlement-being really more joyous in anticipation of a removal to
the better land, than we could have been in returning from exile
to vast temporal possessions and a beauteous earthly home!
Reason was unimpaired till within a very few moments of
death; and we all stood around her bed in the rude cabin,
while she, placing her hands on the heads of her grandchildren,
offered a solemn prayer for their welfare; —and then, with an
interrupted voice of the utmost tenderness, she, looking on us
for the last, and smiling, said-" I am  dying-all-peace!"
The king of terrors was there-to her an Angel of beauty-to
us dark and frightful!-and he rudely shook that dear frail
tabernacle with a severe, perhaps a painful convulsion! But
that loved heart, after one throe of agony, was still!-a deep
sigh breathed from the quivering lips-and she was not, for God
had taken her! A blood ransomed and sanctified spirit was in
its true home!    *    *    * 
Two days after we laid her in a lone and forest grave. And
there all were mourners.  None walked in that procession of
the dead but the people of Glenville-brothers, sisters, chil



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   241
dren! In that solitary spot we laid her, far away from consecrated ground and the graves of our fathers!
*    *    *    *    *    *    *    i    *
But what! though night after night around that spot was
heard the melancholy howl of the wild beast!-what! though
the great world knows not, cares not to know of that leafcovered grave! The dust that slumbers there shall live againand die no more! Better far lie in an unknown grave and rise
to the resurrection of the just, than under a sculptured monument amid the lofty mausoleums of kings, if one thence must
rise
-To die the endless death I
CHAPTER XXXIII.
"Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,
Sit like his grandsire cut in alabaster?"
"Where should this music be? i' the air, or the earth?"
IMPORTANT changes to the Glenville settlement soon followea
the death of Mrs. Glenville. It was found necessary to connect
a store with the tannery; and hence, after due deliberation, it
was decided that Mr. Carlton should now remove to Woodville
and open the store;-the ex-legislator, J. Glenville, to remain
and conduct the leather department with old Dick, and also buy
up produce for the Orleans market, and all along shore there.
He-not Dick, but Glenville-was now also a candidate for
Prothonotary; although not from elevated and pure patriotism,
as in his other campaign —the fact is we had had honour enough
and-loss. An eye was now fixed on the salary; we wished to
serve the people, provided, like other great patriots, we could
also serve ourselves; bad men serve only themselves, good ones
both themselves and the people.
Uncle John and Aunt Kitty were to stay with Glenville in the
patriarchal cabin; but Miss Emily Glenville was to go with us
to Woodville, where she and Mrs. Carlton would set up an Insti11




242              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
tute for Young Ladies!-the very first ever established in the
New Purchase.
In due season, and after innumerable dividings and packings
of goods and chattels, off we set; a good two horse wagon and
its owner and driver, a robust youth of the timber world,
having been hired to take us and "the plunder."  Aunt Kitty
insisted on going over to see us safe at our new home and to
help fix; and old Dick, poor fellow! looked so wistfully at me,
that I agreed to ride the honest creature to Woodville, if he
would consent to come back tied to the tail of the wagon; and
to that he made no objection whatever. And so he went along
too.
Nothing important occurred on the journey, only a curious
complimentary mistake oT the bustling hostess during the night
we were compelled to pass on the road. This sagacious lady,
seeing a baby in the party, inferred, in Pillbox's style, that
somebody was married; and as Aunt Kitty carried the little
" crittur," and made an awful deal of fuss, and Mr. C. used once
or twice nursery diminutives, the landlady concluded that if I
was "faddywaddy," Aunt Kitty must be "mammywammy."
Hence, about bed time, she considerately said-" I want to'commodate near about as well as we can fix it, and so him —
(pointing to Mr. Carlton)-and you ma'am-(speaking to Aunt
Kitty)-kin have the room up loft thare; and them young folks
-(Mrs. Carlton, Emily C., and the driver)-kin have this room
down here all alone to'ernselves!"
Now, reader, had I a very grave and solemn countenance in
my youth, or was Aunt Kitty, then just thirty-five years and six
months my senior, a very pretty, youthful looking woman?
And what could have deceived our Iloosierina? that when informed of her error, she should have exclaimed:
"Well! now! I never seed the like on it! Why if I didn't
sentimentally allow you was the two old folkses, and them two
likely young gals, your two oldermost daters-and that leetle
crittur, you look'd like you was a nussin, your last and
youngenest!"
Awh! come now, reader, act fair; for 4unt Kitty was after




TIE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    243
all a right down good-looking body, and as lively as a young
lady of plus-twenty.  And do not fine, handsome young fellows
sometimes marry good-looking aged ladies very rich?
Next day we came safe to Woodville.  But now, alas! was
to be the parting with old Dick! True, he let them tie him to
the tail of the wagon —but evidently, he was trotted off contrary
to his secret wishes, and a good deal faster than he was accustomed to go; for our driver, desirous of reaching the river by
night, and having no return load, drove away at a Jehu gait. I,
standing at our upper story back window, cried out, as he
wheeled into his retrograde position-" Good-by, Dick, goodby!" and, would you have believed it?  He cocked back his
ears!-rolled up his eyes!-and with head and neck almost
horizontal, he made not only desperate efforts not to trot, but
to slip his halter! In vain! The brute horses in front, were
too many for the poor fellow, and away, away they jerked him;
till the party, entering the woods, turned suddenly into the road
to Glenville, and he was forced round with an ample sweep of
his rear quarters; and the last I ever saw of my poor dear old
comrade was a most indignant flourish of his venerable tail!
For, before my visit to the former home, Dick, who would not
grind bark alone, and John could not be constantly with him,
was sold to a neighbouring teamster; and then, in about a year
after, he ended his earthly career as he had begun it-a wheelhorse to a wagoner!  Whether froml the infirmity of age, or
heart-broken at quitting our family, he dropped dead, holding
back in his place, on the descent of a precipitous hill!'!   * *
* *    Poor Dick! poor Dick!-Don't pshaw at me, reader!
I'm not crying, any such thing-yes! he's dead now! I shall
never see him again! and you will never hear of him.  If he has
plagued you some in this work, he will not, like some bipedalio
and quadrupedal heroes in certain other books, plague you all
through!
Behold us, then, one step back towards the worldly world.
And so now we shall have a little backwoods town life, with an
occasional excursion to our country-seat at Glenville, like great
shopkeepers of eastern cities.




244               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
Our first step at Woodville was to write and fasten up at
the post-office, court-house, jail, doctor's office and other public
places, copies of our prospectus for the Woodville young
ladies' institute.  This was necessary for sixteen reasons:
Firstly, there was no printing office nearer (then) than one
hundred miles; secondly-Oh! I see you are satisfied-I'm
not going on.  Wonderful care, however, had been used to
make our notice a specimen, both of penmanship and patriotism; and hence more was accomplished in our favour than
could have been done by sixteen line pica and long primer.
For instance, heading the foolscap, was a superb American
eagle, in red ink flourish, and holding in his bill a ribbon, inscribed-"'Young Ladies' Institute."  Then came the mistresses'
names in large round hand-then the location in letters, inclining backward, like old Dick when wheel-horse-(Oh! pardon, he shall not hold back for us again-I was off my guard);
and then the word PROPOSE that introduced the page-like matter, in capitals of German text, with heads and tails curled and
crankled and interlaced, so as nearly to bewilder the reader
about the meaning! And yet, so adroitly was this word contrived, that if one pertinaciously and judiciously kept on through
all the windings, he would emerge safe enough at the final flourish of the E; and be not a little triumphant at twisting unhurt
and unscared through the labyrinth of " sich a most powerful
hard and high larn'd hand-write!"
Leaving this prospectus to produce its own effects, I set out
for Louisville to lay in goods, and also to bring out for our
school-purposes, a piano.  Now  this was the very first that
"'was ever heern tell of in the Purchus!"  Hence no small
sensation was created, even by the bare report of our intention.
Nay, from that moment, till the instrument was backed up to
our door to be removed from  the wagon, expectation was on
tip-toe, and conjecture never weary. "A pianne! what could it
be?  Was it a sort a fiddle-like-only bigger, and with a powerful heap of wire strings? What makes them call it a forty
pianne?-forty-forty-ah! yes, that's it-it plays forty tunes!"
Some at Woodville knew well enough what a piano was, for




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    245
there, as elsewhe e, in the far west, were oddly congregated, a
few intelligent persons from all ends of the earth: but these
did all in their power to mislead conjecture, enjoying their
neighbours' mistakes. After a narrow escape of being backed,
wagon and all, into the creek, already mentioned, as having the
ford just seven feet deep, and notwithstanding the roughness, or
as my friend, lawyer Cutswell, used to say, "the asperities" of
the road, the instrument reached us, and in tune-unless our
ears were lower than concert pitch. At all events, we played
tunes on it, and vastly to the amazement and delight of our
native visitors; who, considering the notes of the piano as those
of invitation, came by day or night, not only around the window, but into the entry, and even into the parlour itself, and in
hosts! Nor did such ever dream  of being troublesome, as
usually it was a " sorter wantin to hear that powerful pianne
tune agin!"  But often the more curious " a sort o' wanted the
lid tuk up like to see the tune a playin, and them little jumpers
(dampers) dance the wires so mighty powerful smart!"
All this was, indeed, annoying, yet it was amusing.  Beside,
we might as well have bolted the store, and left the Purchase,
as to bolt our door, or quit playing: and beyond the ill-savour
of such conduct in a backwood's republic, it would have been
cynical not to afford so many simple people a great pleasure at
the cost of a little inconvenience, and some rusting of wires
firom the touches of perspiring fingers.  An incident or two on
this head, and our music may, for the present, be dismissed.
One day a buxom lass dismounted, and after "hanging her
crittur" to my rack, walked not, as was usual, into the store
first, but direct into our parlour, where she made herself at
home, thus:"Well! ma'am, I'm a sort a kim to see that'are thing thare(pointing to the piano)-Jake says it's powerful-mought a body
hear it go a leetle, ma'am?"
Of course; Mrs. Carlton, let it "go a leetle," and then it was
rapturously encored, rubbed, patted, wondered at, asked about,
etc., for one good solid hour, when our familiar made the following speech, and retired:



246              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"Well!-pianne tunes is great! I allow that pianne maybe
prehaps, cost near on to about half a quarter section, (forty
acres, valued at fifty dollars.) I wish Jake and me was rich
folks, and I'd make him go half as high as yourn; however, I
plays the fiddle, and could do it right down smart, only some
how or nuther I can't make my fingers tread the strings jist
ezactly right!"
A very respectable woman, wife of a wealthy farmer, seven
miles from Woodville, having been one day in town till towards
evening, thought she would step over, and, for the first time,
hear the famous piano; and that, although she was to ride home
by herself, and by a very long and lonesome road.  Our best
tunes were accordingly done, and with flute accompaniments;
at which our honest-hearted neighbour, raising both hands, and
with a peculiar nod of the head, and wonderful naivete, exclaimed:
" Compton-(her husband)-Compton said it was better nor
the fiddle!-but I'm sentimentally of opinion it's as fur afore a
fiddle, as a fiddle's afore a jusarp!"
Illustrious shade of Paganini! what say'st thou to that?
Once, however, a fine, yet unpolished young man came, but
evidently with an impression that some invitation was necessary, as he rapped at the parlour door, and would not enter till
invited by Mrs. Carlton.  She was playing at the time, and well
knowing the cause of the visit, she soon asked if he was fond of
music, to which he answered:"Oh! most powerful fond, ma'am; and as I heern tell of the
pianne, I made a sort a bold to step in-and maybe, prehaps,
you'd play a tune."
Tune after tune was accordingly played; while the young
man, who, abashed at his entrance, remained near the door, now
arose, and advancing as if drawn by some enchantment, little
by little, he stood at the end of the instrument, absorbed in the
music, and his eyes fixed with an intense gaze on the lady's
countenance-and at last, when the music ceased at the conclusion of some piece of Beethoven's, he heaved a profound sigh,
and thus fervently said:



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   247
"If I had a puttee wife and such a fixin, I'd never want nothing
no more no how!"
Reader! that man had a soul!  Sweet sounds and a fair
face-my mother-in-law had been a very beautiful woman,now touched chords in his heart never before so vibrated; and
there came ill-defined, but enraptured visions-so lofty! so
serial! so unlike his cabin, his sisters, and, perhaps, his sweetheart! Wo to the fop who then should even have looked impertinence towards the musician! Ah! sweetheart! for an instant thy image was away!  Thy lover had caught a dim
glimpse of a region and atmosphere where a more refined ladylove only could live!
And so we were now fully under weigh at Woodville, selling,
buying, keeping school, and playing the piano-the last important affair being sadly interrupted by the duties of housekeeping.  Mrs. C. began more clearly to understand an elegant
phrase, addressed to her at our entrance into the wooden country-" the working of one's own ash-hopper."  A girl was indeed caught-although the creatures were shy as wild turkeysabout once a month; but the success was only small relief to
the mistress.
Hence a New Purchase is not the most pleasant place in the
world for boarding-school young ladies-or indeed for any
females who have not muscles of oak, and patience of an ox.
Let, then, no fair lady who can remain in an old settlement,
venture into a new one from mere poetical reasons; or till she
has long and deeply pondered this phrase and its cognates —" to
work your own ash-hopper!"  And if a nice young gentleman
engaged to be married to a pretty, delicate lily-flower of loveliness, is meditating " to flit" to a bran new settlement, let him
know that out there rough men, with rare exceptions, regard
wives as squaws, and as they often expressed their views to Mr.
Carlton, " have no idee of sich weak, feminy, wimmin bodies as
warnt brung up to sling a dinner-pot —kill a varmint-and make
leather brichises!"
MORAL.
Better to marry in the Range.




248              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
"- quodcunque ostendis mihi sic, incredulus odi."
"-I am slow to believe fish stories."
OUR Board of Trustees, it will be remembered, had been
directed by the Legislature to procure, as the ordinance called
it, "Teachers for the commencement of the State College at
Woodville."  That business, by the Board, was committed to
Dr. Sylvan and Robert Carlton-the most learned gentlemen
of the body, and of-the New Purchase! Our honourable
Board will be more specially introduced hereafter; at present we
shall bring forward certain rejected candidates, that, like rejected
prize essays, they may be published, and thus have their revenge.
None can tell us how plenty good things are till he looks for
them; and hence, to the great surprise of the Committee, there
seemed to be a sudden growth and a large crop of persons even
in and around Woodville, either already qualified for the " Professorships," as we named them in our publications, or who
could "qualify" by the time of election.  As to the " chair"
named also in our publications, one very worthy and disinterested schoolmaster offered, as a great collateral inducement for
his being elected," to find his own chair!"-a vast saving to the
State, if the same chair I saw in Mr. Whackum's school-room.
For his chair there was one with a hickory bottom; and doubtless he would have filled it, and even lapped over its edges, with
equal dignity in the recitation room of Big College.
The Committee had, at an early day, given an invitation to
the Rev. Charles Clarence, A. M., of New Jersey, and his answer had been affirmative; yet for political reasons we had
been obliged to invite competitors, or make them, and we found
and created " a right smart sprinkle."




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  249
Hopes of success were built on many things-for instance, on
poverty; a plea being entered that some thing ought to be done
for the poor fellow-on one's having taught a common school
all his born days, who now deserved to rise a peg-on political,
or religious, or fanatical partizan qualifications-and on pure
patriotic principles, such as a person's having been "born in a
canebrake and rocked in a sugar trough."  On the other hand,
a fat, dull-headed, and modest Englishman asked for a place, because he had been born in Liverpool! and had seen the world
beyond the woods and waters too! And another fussy, talka
tive, pragmatical little gentleman, rested his pretensions on his
ability to draw and paint maps!-not projecting them in roundabout scientific processes, but in that speedy and elegant style
in which young ladies copy maps at first chop boarding-schools!
Nay, so transcendant seemed Mr. Merchator's claims, when his
show or sample maps were exhibited to us, that some in our
Board, and nearly everybody out of it, were confident he would
do for Professor of Mathematics and even Principal.
But of all our unsuccessful candidates, we shall introduce by
name only two-Mr. James Jimmey, A.S.S., and Mr. Solomon
Rapid, A. to Z.
Mr. Jimmey, who aspired to the mathematical chair, was
master of a small school of all sexes, near Woodville. At the
first, he was kindly, yet honestly told, his knowledge was too
limited and inaccurate; yet, notwithstanding this, and some almost rude repulses afterwards, he persisted in his application
and his hopes. To give evidence of competency, he once told
me he was arranging a new spelling-book, the publication of
which would make him known as a literary man, and be an unspeakable advantage to " the rising generation."  And this
naturally brought on the following colloquy about the work:"Ah! indeed! Mr. Jimmey?"
"Yes, indeed, Mr. Carlton."
"On what new principle do you go, sir?"
"Why, sir, on the principles of nature and common sense.
I allow school-books for schools are all too powerful obstruse and
hard-like to be understood without exemplifying illustrations."
11*




250               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.'Yes, but Mr. Jimmey, how is a child's spelling-book to be
made any plainer 2"
" Why, sir, by clear explifications of the words in one column,
by exemplifying illustrations in the other."
"I do not understand you, Mr. Jimmey, give me a specimen      "
" Sir?"
"An example - "
"To be sure-here's a spes-a-example; you see, for instance,
I put in the spelling-column, C-r-e-a-m, cream, and here in the
explification  column, I put the exemplifying illustrationUnctious part of milk!"
We had asked, at our first interview, if our candidate was an
algebraist, and his reply was negative; but, "he allowed he
could  qiialify' by the time of election, as he was powerful good
at figures, and had cyphered clean through every arithmetic he
had ever seen, the rule of promiscuous questions and all!"
Hence; some weeks after, as I was passing his door, on my way
to a squirrel hunt, with a party of friends, Mr. Jimmey, hurrying out with a slate in his hand, begged me to stop a moment,
and thus addressed me:" Well, Mr. Carlton, this algebra is a most powerful thingaint it 2"
" Indeed it is, Mr. Jimmey-have you been looking into it?"
" Looking into it! I have been all through this here fust part;
and by election time, I allow I'll be ready for examination."
"Indeed!"
"Yes, sir! but it is such a pretty thing!  Only to think of
cyphering by letters! Why, sir, the sums come out, and
bring the answers exactly like figures.  Jist stop a minutelook here; a stands for 6, and b stands for 8, and c stands for 4,
and d stands for figure 10; now if I say a+b-c=d, it is all
the same as if I said, 6 is 6 and 8 makes 14, and 4 subtracted,
leaves 10! Why, sir, I done a whole slate full of letters and
signs; and afterwards, when I tried by figures, they every one
of them  came out right and brung the answer! I mean to
cypher by letters altogether."




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   251
Mr. Jimmey, my company is nearly out of sight —if you can
get along this way through simple and quadratic equations by
our meeting, your chance will not be so bad-good morning,
sir."
But our man of "letters" quit cyphering the new way, and
returned to plain figures long before reaching equations; and so
he could not become our professor. Yet anxious to do us all the
good in his power, after our college opened, he waited on me, a
leading trustee, with a proposal to board our students, and
authorized me to publish-" as how Mr. James Jimmey will
take strange students-students not belonging to Woodville-to
board, at one dollar a week, and find every thing, washing included, and will black their shoes three times a week to boot,
and-give them their dog-wood and cherry-bitters every morning
into the bargain!"
The most extraordinary candidate, however, was Mr. Solomon
Rapid. He was now somewhat advanced into the shaving age,
and was ready to assume offices the most opposite in character;
although justice compels us to say Mr. Rapid was as fit for one
thing as another.  Deeming it waste of time to prepare for
any station till he was certain of obtaining it, he wisely demanded the place first, and then set to work to become qualified
for its duties, being, I suspect, the very man, or some relation
of his, who is recorded as not knowing whether he could read
Greek, as he had never tried.  And, beside, Mr. Solomon
Rapid contended that all offices, from president down to fenceviewer, were open to every white American citizen; and that
every republican had a blood-bought right to seek any that
struck his fancy; and if the profits were less, or the duties
more onerous than had been anticipated, that a man ought to
resign and try another.
Naturally, therefore, Mr. Rapid, thought he would like to sit
in our chair of languages, or have some employment in the State
college; and hence he called for that purpose on Dr. Sylvan,
who, knowing the candidate's character, maliciously sent him to
me. Accordingly, the young gentleman presented himself, and
without ceremony, instantly made known his business thus:



252              TIHE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"I heerd, sir, you wanted somebody to teach the State
school, and I'm come to let you know I'm willing to take the
place."
"Yes, sir, we are going to elect a professor of languages who
is to be the principal, and a professor  "
" Well, I don't care which I take, but I'm willing to be the
principal. I can teach sifring, reading, writing, joggerfree, surveying, grammur, spelling, definitions, parsin 
"Are you a linguist?"
"Sir?"
"You of course understand the dead languages?"
"Well, can't say I ever seed much of them, though I have
heerd tell of them; but I can soon larn them-they aint more
than a few of them I allow?"
"Oh! niy dear sir, it is not possible-we-can't     "
"Well, I never seed what I couldn't larn about as smart as
any body - 
"Mr. Rapid, I do not mean to question your abilities; but if
you are now wholly unacquainted with the dead languages, it is
impossible for you or any other talented man to learn them
under four or five years."
" Pshoo! foo! I'll bet I larn one in three weeks! Try me,
sir,-let's have the furst one furst-how many are there?"
"Mr. Rapid, it is utterly impossible; but if you insist, I will
loan you a Latin book  ~  "
" That's your sorts, let's have it, that's all I want, fair play."
Accordingly, I handed him a copy of Historie Sacree, with
which he soon went away, saying, he " didn't allow it would take
long to git through Latin, if'twas only sich a thin patch of a
book as that."
In a few weeks to my no small surprise, Mr. Solomon Rapid
again presented himself; and drawing forth the book began with
a triumphant expression of countenance:"Well, sir, I have done the Latin."
"Done the Latin!"
"Yes, I can read it as fast as English."
"Read it as fast as English!!"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   253
"Yes, as fast as English-and I didn't find it hard at all."
" May I try you on a page?"
" Try away, try away; that's what I've come for."
" Please read here then, Mr. Rapid;" and in order to give
him a fair chance, I pointed to the first lines of the first chapter,
viz: "In principio Deus creavit ccelum et terrai intra sex dies;
primo die fecit lucem," etc.
"That, sir " and then he read thus, "in prinspo duse creevit kalelum  et terrum  intra sex dyes-primmo dye fe-fe-sit
looseum," etc.
" That will do, Mr. Rapid  "
"Ah! ha! I told you so."
" Yes, yes-but translate.".' Translate!" (eyebrows elevating.)
" Yes, translate, render it."
"Render it!! how's that?" (forehead more wrinkled.)
" Why, yes, render it into English-give me the meaning
of it."'" MEANING!" (staring full in my face, his eyes like saucers,
and forehead wrinkled with the furrows of eighty)-"MEANING!! I didn't know it had any meaning.  I thought it was a
DEAD language!!"
Well, reader, I am glad you are not laughing at Mr. Rapid;
for how should any thing dead speak out so as to be understood?
And indeed, does not his definition suit the vexed feelings of
some young gentlemen attempting to read Latin without any
interlinear translation? and who inwardly, cursing both book
and teacher, blast their souls "if they can make any sense out
of it."  The ancients may yet speak in their own languages to
a few; but to most who boast the honour of their acquaintance,
they are certainly dead in the sense of Solomon Rapid.
Our honourable board of trustees at last met; and after a
real attempt by some, and a pretended one by others, to elect
one and another out of the three dozen candidates, the Reverend
Charles Clarence, A. M., was chosen our principal and professor
of languages; and that to'the chagrin of Mr. Rapid and other




254               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
disappointed persons, who all from  that moment united in determined and active hostility towards the college, Mr. Clarence,
Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Carlton, and, in short, towards "every puss
proud aristocrat big-bug, and blasted Yankee in the New Purchase.'
CHAPTER XXXV.
"Die mihi, si fueris tu leo, qualis eris?"
"Let me play the lion too; I will roar that I will do any man's heart good to hear
me; I will roar that I will make the duke say,'Let him roar again, let him roar
again.' 
SCARCELY had our college excitements subsided, when we
were favoured by a visit from two apostolic new lights. These
holely men worked by inspiration, and had patent ways of converting folks by wholesale-by towns, villages, and settlements;
although, it must be owned, the converts would not stay converted.  And yet these men did verily do wonders at Woodville, as much so as if by Mesmerism, or Mormonism, or
Catholicism, they had magnetised and stupefied all our moral
and spiritual phrenological developments! If the doctrine be
true, as some religious editors assert, and we suppose on good
authority, that the sect which can in the shortest time convert
the most is the favourite with heaven, then our new lights deserved the appellation they gave themselves  Christ-ians.
Our priests depended on no " high larnin,"-set no apples of
gold in friames of silver, but despised "man-hatch'd fillosofees;"
and we may add even harmless grammar, being as they said
" poor, unlarn'd, ignorant men," and also, unshaved, uncombed,
and fearfully dirt-begrimed-close imitators, as they insisted,
of primitive Christianity.  All they did was "goin from house
to house a eatin and drinkin sich as was set afore them," bellowing prayers, snivelling and sobbing, and slobbering over
man, woman, and child, and "a begginin and beseechinin on
them to come to meetin."  And as meetings were held at every
hour of every day and every night, we lived on the trot in going




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   255
to an 3 from them-becoming thus a very peculiar, if not a very
good people.
At meeting, our venerable teachers prayed as loud and pertinaciously as the priests of Baal, aided, however, by amateurs
in the congregations; yet with it all, we never advanced beyond
oh!-ing and ah!-ing. Still, definite petitions were often presented, some for "onreginerit worldlins," some for " hypocrit
professors," and many "for folks what believed in John Calvin's
religion and hadn't never been convarted."  But as it was of
importance to have certain persons saved, and the god of the
new lights might not fully understand who was meant, names
were mentioned in prayer, as " dear brother Smith," or poor
"dear sister Brown;" and sometimes titles were added, as
"dear Squire Goodman," or " dear Major Meanwell."
I never had the pleasure of hearing the bulls of Bashan roar;
yet, having heard our new light preachers, I can now form a
better conjecture as to that peculiar eloquence; at all events,
our two preachers foamed like a modern bull worried by boys
and butchers' dogs, and never gave over till exhausted. Often
what they said was unknown, as their words seemed to burst
asunder as soon as let out-peculiar shells from wonderful mortars! And these two personages as far excelled poor Philip in
noise, grimace, and incoherence, as he excel-led in those qualities
a delicate divine of the nineteenth century, who reads a sleepy
second-rate didactic discourse of a warm afternoon in dog-days,
in Pompous Square church; and that when the Rev. Doctor
Feminit fears the bronchitis.
And yet by this simple machinery, and well worked, in about
two weeks our new lights had converted every man, woman,
and child in Woodville, except Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Carlton, and
some other half dozen hardened sinners that would "stout it
out any how!"  And now, from  every house, alley, grove,
orchard, resounded forth curious groans, outcries and yells of
private prayer!  For all this was called private prayer!-the
Scriptures, indeed, directing otherwise; but Barton Stone, and
Campbell Stone can do much more with people out there than
Peter Stone the apostle; and men naturally love the fanatical




256              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
Pharisaism of pseudo-inspired teachers, councils and conclaves.
An opinion was held by most of our fanatics, that direct,
earnest, and persevering prayer would result in the instantaneous conversion of any one in whose favour it was made; and,
of course, to the most opposite creeds! This naturally led to
some ridiculous consequences; for it soon was argued that if
an unregenerate man could be got by any art or contrivance, or
coaxing, to pray right earnestly for himself, and cry out loud
and long for mercy, he would be immediately converted; nay,
it was held to be efficacious if he could be forced by physical
means to pray! Hence, among other things of the sort, one of
our domestic chaplains, a very large and fat man, now stirred
up and enlivened by this visit of the good men, overtook a
neighbour in the woods, going to meeting, and after having in
vain exhorted the person " to fall right down on his knees and
cry for mercy," he suddenly leaped on the incorrigible rascal,
and cast him to the earth; and then getting astride the humbled
sinner, he pressed him with the weight of two hundred and
twenty-five pounds, avoirdupois, till he cried out with sufficient
earnestness and intensity to " get religion!" Nor did this convert, made by so novel a papistical engine, fall away any sooner
than most other converts mechanically forced, although by different contrivances-he hung on some weeks. Besides, if little
children in western New York were whipped with a rod into the
kingdom of heaven, why should not a stout sinner, too big for
that discipline, be pommelled into the same kingdom in the
New Purchase, by Bishop Paunch?
And would not more persons have been converted to Oberlinism, Finneyism, or Abolitionism, or Anyism, if, after the
manner with our new lights, folks had more frequently been
characterized by their entire names and employments, when
prayed for? Indeed, one distinguished lawyer in western New
York, always ascribed his non-conversion, after innumerable
prayers made for him in public, and even by name, to the unfortunate omission of his middle name!
Religious reader! do not mistake us; we are laughing at
Satan's delusions! And we lived long enough to find true what




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    257
we once heard a very learned, talented and pious minister of the
Gospel say, that "all such excitements from false religions were
sure to be followed by infidelity." Our evangelical churches
were for a time deserted; our family altars abandoned; our
domestic intercourse ruined; the Sabbath desecrated; the sacred name profaned, and his attributes sneered at; and avowed
and flaming converts to fanaticism were, in two or three years
after, reeling drunkards, midnight gamblers, open and unblushing atheists! Nay, assembled in a certain grog-shop-out there
appropriately called " a doggery"-three years after did some
of the man-made converts form a horrible crew, that tied up
against the wall one of their party in a mock crucifixion!-and
setting fire to rum poured on the floor, they called it-"the
blazes of hell!"
But a religious incident reminds me of my friend, William
Cutswell, Esq.  And his history adds to the many instances of
self-education and self-elevation.  His career, it was said by his
political enemies, began with his being a musician to a caravan
of travelling animals; but it argues great intrinsic genius, that
a man ever made the attempt to rise from such a life, and had
skill and tact to use opportunities, by thousands in like circumstances suffered to pass unheeded. Rise, however, Mr. Cutswell
did, till in all that country he stood intellectually pre-eminent,
and was justly celebrated for learning, enterprise, skill in his
legal profession, and, as a political leader. Since then he has
stood on elevated pinnacles, both east and west; and had his
spiritual man been good as the intellectual, there would he be
still standing;-and perhaps higher.  Contrary to the old saws,
virtue is its own reward," and " honesty is the best policy,"
moral excellency does not always meet with earthly rewards;
but yet, the retirement of some talented men is occasionally
owing to moral causes rather than political ones. And hence,
many lamented that this gentleman had not been as good as he
was great.
Mr. C. was a good Latin and Greek scholar, and well acquainted with antiquities and other subjects cognate with the




258              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
classics.  He was deeply versed in the books of law, and extensively read in history, political economy, agriculture, architecture,
chemistry, natural philosophy, and metaphysics; and he was,
moreover, an excellent orator, using in his speeches the best language, and with the just pronunciation.
But, my friend had two venial faults; one in common with
most politicians out (?) there, and one peculiar to himselfmaybe.
The first of these was selfishness, and its consequence, moral
cowardice.  Hence little reliance could be placed in Mr. Cutswell by his friends-his enemies had in this respect the advantage of his friends. And hence, he had continual resort to logrolling expedients; to some of doubtful morality; and to some
positively sinful, in order to acquire or retain political ascendancy. Still, he was the most sagacious man I ever knew at
making political somersets; for he turned so adroitly and so
noiselessly, as to cheat the eyes of beholders, and make it doubtful often whether he was on his head or his feet; indeed, he kept
such a continual whirl as to seem always in the same place, and
yet he was always in a different one! Or to change figures, he
never turned with the tide, but watching the symptoms of ebbs
and flows, he turned a little before the tide; and thus he always
passed for a meritorious, patriotic, people-loving leader of the
true and honest party-i. e., the strongest; instead of a tag-rag
and bob-tailed follower in search of loaves and fishes. Yea! he
so managed, that the world usually said, "Well, Cutswell's
friends have deserted him, poor fellow!"-when all the time
Mr. Cutswell, poor fellow, had deserted them!
The other foible of his was a grand deportment, put on like a
cloak, when he entered elevated society, but laid aside in his
chambers or among the canaille.  Doubtless this arose from a
mistaken notion of what constitutes good behaviour, as he was
passing from the grub to the winged state; and, maybe, to conceal that he had not always soared, but sometimes creeped.
For instance, nothing could transcend the pomp of his manner
and dress on some occasions, when from home, unless a New
Purchase " Gobbler" in the gallanting season; and then his style




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    259
of taking snuff when in full costume and under the eye of magnates, was equal to a Lord Chamberlain's-it made you sneeze
to witness it!
First came an attitude-so grand!-it looked as if it had
been studied on a cellar door under the windows of a print
shop, from an engraving of Cook,. or Kean, or Kemble, in royal
robes at the acme of his sublime! Oh! the magnificence of
that look! And next, the polished box of fragrant sternutatory
powder-which he took instead of snuffwould be extracted
fiom the receptacle of an inner vest, a single finger and thumb
being delicately insinuated for that duty; and the box thus
withdrawn with so bewitching a grace would then be held a
moment or two till my lord had completed some elaborate
period, or till his deep interest in the absorbing nothings you
were uttering should seem  suspended by your own pausing.
At that instant, his eye glancing in playful alternation from his
friend's face to the box, he would perform a scale of rapid taps
on the side of the box with the index finger of the dexter hand
to wake up the sternutatory inmate; after which, modestly removing or opening the lid, he would, in the manner of Sacas,
the Persian cup-bearer, first present the delicious aromatic for
your touch, and then with his own finger and thumb a moment
suspended in a pouncing position, he would suddenly dart on to
the triturated essence and snatch hurriedly thence the tiniest
portion possible. Arresting now his hand half way in its upward flight, the pinch downward yet at the tips of the finger
and the thumb, he would for the last time look with an interesting smile into his friend's face, and in the midst of that gay
sunshine, suddenly turning the pinch under his own olfactory
organ, he would inhale the perfume with the most musical sniffle imaginable! Retrograde motions and curves of becoming
solemnity, amplitude and grace, would close the box and restore it to the inner vest-and so Mr. Cutswell would have
snuffed!
Impatient folks may think it takes long to describe a pinch;
but, then, it took still longer to perform one.
Mr. Cutswell, among other matters, was no mean performer




260               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
on the violin; and on one occasion, at a private concert at my
house, forgetting his usual caution, he entertained me with an
anecdote about his fiddle and his Bishop. For be it known,
that like other politicians, Mr. C. was a theoretical member of
a religious people, who looked on fiddle-playing as on the sin of
witchcraft-although I do not know whether he had ever received the rite of confirmation; yet nothing but his high standing saved him from an excommunication, that out there would
speedily have been visited on a poor player. Still his Bishop
was a faithful shepherd's dog, and hesitated not to growl and
bark, if he did to bite; being, also, one who prayed for men
sometimes by name, and at them often by description.  And
so he contrived once to pray at Mr. Cutswell's fiddling, or
rather against hisfiddle; and nothing could ever so belittle that
instrument as this preacher's periphrastic abuse of that curious
compound of catgut, rosin, and horsehair.
"I was present," said Mr. Cutswell, laying down his fiddle
and bow upon our piano, " some few evenings since, after the
discharge of my legal duties at the court-house-(attitude
commencing for taking snuff)-present, Mr. Carlton, in the
prayer-room of our chapel, a large concourse of members being
congregated for the customary weekly devotions.  (Snuff-box
out.)  Among others in the apartment, was our venerable
Bishop.  (Box tapped and opened.)  He is a good and worthy
man, sir; but, sub rosa, not wholly exempt from prejudice.
Indeed, as to music generally, but more especially that of the
violin-(finger and thumb pouncing)-he entertains the most
erroneous sentiments-(pinch going upwards)-and I fear that
he regards both myself and my instrument with feelings of
acerbity. (Hem! —pinch inhaled.) In the course of his prayer
this evening, he contrived to administer to myself in particular
-(lid closing)-but also to you, Mr. Carlton and all other
gentlemen that handle the bow-(box "being" returned)-the
following very severe and appropriate admonition, and in the
exact words I now quote:
"' Oh! -     oh!-I beseech thee to have marsy on all them
there poor sinners what plays on that instrumint, whose sounds




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     261
is like the dying screech of that there animal out of whose intrils its strings is made!'"
"Amen!-at a venture!"  (Pompey or Casar.)
CHAPTER XXXVI.
"Forgive my general and exceptless rashness,
Perpetual sober gods I I do proclaim
One honest man-mistake me not-but one."
"What find I here?
Fair Portia's counterfeit? what demi-god
Hath come so near creation?"
THIS chapter is devoted to a man-Mr. Vulcanus Allheart.
And, although he will rap our knuckles for smiling at a few
smileable things in him, Mr. Allheart will not be displeased to
see that Mr. Carlton, the author, remembers his friend, as Mr.
Carlton the storekeeper and tanner, always said he would, when
we blew his bellows for him or fired rifles together.
During a life somewhat peculiarly chequered, we have both
by land and sea been more or less intimate with excellent persons in the learned professions, and in the commercial, agricultural and mechanical classes; but never out of the circle of
kinsfolk, including the agnati and the cognati, have I ever so
esteemed, ay, so loved any one as Vulcanus Allheart. And
who and what was he?
He was by birth a Virginian, by trade a blacksmith, by nature a gentleman, and by grace a Christian; if more need be
said, he was a genius.  Verily, for his sake, to this hour I love
the sight and smell of a blacksmith's shop; and, many a time
in passing one, do I pause and steal a glance towards the anvil,
vainly striving to make some sooty hammerer there assume the
form  and look of my lame friend!-for he was lame from  a
wound in his thigh received in early life. Oh! how more than
willing would I stand once more and blow his bellows to help
him gain time for an evening's hunt, could I but see anew that
honest charcoal face and that noble soul speaking from those




262              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
eyes, as he rested a moment to talk till his iron arrived at the
proper heat and colour!
But let none suppose Vulcanus Allheart was a common
blacksmith. He was master both of the science and the art,
from the nailing of a horse-shoe up to the making of an axe;
and to do either right, and specially the latter, is a rare attainment. Not one in a million could make an axe as Allheart
made it; and hence in a wooden country, where life, civilization,
and Christianity itself, are so dependent on the axe, my blacksmith was truly a jewel of a man.  His axes, even where silver
was hoarded as a miser's gold, brought, in real cash, one dollar
beyond any patent flashy affairs from New England, done up in
pine boxes and painted half black, while their edge-part was
polished and shiney as a new razor-and like that article, made
not to shave but to sell; and all this his axes commanded, spite
of the universal nation, all-powerful and tricky as it is. No
man in the Union could temper steel as my friend tempered;
and workmen from Birmingham and Sheffield, who sometimes
wandered to us from the world beyond the ocean, were amazed
to find a man in the Purchase that knew and practised their
own secrets.
Necessity led him to attempt one thing and another out of his
line, till, to accommodate neighbours-and any man was his
neighbour-he made sickles, locks and keys, augers, adzes,
chisels, planes, in short, any thing for making which are used
iron and steel. His fame consequently extended gradually over
the West two hundred miles at least in any direction; for from
that distance came people to have well done at Woodville, what
otherwise must have been done, or a sort of done, at Pittsburg.
Nay, liberal offers were made to Allheart to induce him to remove to Pittsburg; but he loved us too much to accept them;
and beside, he was daily becoming richer, having made a very
remarkable discovery, which, however, he used to impart to
others for a consideration-viz., he had found out the curious art
of beating iron into gold.  My friend was indeed the great
"Lyon" of the West.
Mr. Allheart's skill was great also in rifle-making, and natu



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   263
rally enough too in rifle-shooting, By the way, do you shoot
with both eyes open?  If not, let me commend the practice,
both from its superiority and because it may save you from
killing your own wife, as it did Mr. Allheart once.
He excelled, we have intimated, as a marksman.  Perhaps in
horizontal shooting he could not have a superior; and his sight
had become like that of the lynx; for at the crack of the gun
he would himself call out where the ball had struck.  Nor is all
this so wonderful if we recollect that many years in proving
rifles he practised daily; indeed target-shooting was a branch
of his business-and in it his skill became rare, and even bewitching!
His place for making these daily trials was at one time a
large stump some seventy yards distant on the far side of a
hollow, against which stump was fixed his target; and along
that ravine his wife, a pretty young woman, used to pass and
repass to get water from  a spring at the lower end.  Her almost miraculous escape in that ravine I shall give in Mr. Allheart's own words, although his idiom was slightly inaccurate
and provincial.
" You say, why can't we shoot across the holler agin that ole
walnut stump yander? I ain't pinted a rifle across thare for four
year —and never intend to no more."'
"Why so, Vulcanus? I'm  sure'tis a capital place for our
mark."
" Well, Mr. Carlton, I'll tell you, and then you wont wonder.
One day, about six months after we was furst married, I had a
powerful big bore to fix for a feller going out West; and so I
sit down just here-(at the shop-door)-to take it with a rest
agin a clap-board standing before that stump, and where I always before tried our guns.  I sit down, as I sort a suspicioned
the hind sight mought be a leetle too fur to the right, and I
wanted to shoot farst with allowance, and then plump at the
centre without no allowance-and then to try two shots afterwards off-hand. Well, I got all fixed, and was jeest drawing a
fine bead, and had my finger actially forrard of the front triggur
-(and she went powerful easy)-and was a holdin my breath




264              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
-when something darkened the sight, and my left eye ketch'd
a glimpse of something atween me and the dimind-and I sort
a raised up my head so-and there was Molly's head-(Mrs.
Allheart's)-with the bucket in her hand a goin for water! She
pass'd, you know, in a instant, almost afore I could throw up
the muzzle; but, Mr. Carlton, if I hadn't a had both eyes open
or no presence of mind, she'd a been killed to a dead certainty!
I unsot the triggurs and went right in; and for more nor two
hours my hand trembled so powerful I couldn't hold a hammer
or use a file. And that's the reason I never fired across to that
ole stump since, and why I never will agin."
But another reason for shooting with both eyes open is, that
a curious experiment in optics cannot conveniently be made
with one eye closed-an experiment taught me by Mr. Allheart. And hence I would now commend both our book and
the experiment to all spectacle-makers and spectacle-wearersto all ladies and ladies' gentlemen with quizzing glasses-in fact
to all persons with two or more eyes, and all speculative and
practical opticians.
EXPERIMENT.
Place over the muzzle of your loaded rifle a piece of pasteboard about four inches square, and so as entirely to prevernt the
right eye while looking steadily on the bead in the hind sight
from seeing the diamond mark in the target placed twenty yards
from  you; then keep the left eye fixed immoveably on the
diamond, and stand yourself without motion thus for a few
seconds; and then will the thick paper over your muzzle disappear, and you will see or seem to see the diamond mark with
your right eye and mixing with the bead-touch then your
" forrard" trigger and your ball is in the centre of the target.
A dead rest is indispensable for this experiment. N. B.-If this
experiment, properly done, fail, I will give you. a copy of this
work; provided, if I myself can successfully perform it, you
will purchase two copies.
When it is said Mr. Allheart made rifles, be it understood as
certain rules of grammar, in the widest sense; for his making




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   265
was not like a watchmaker's a mere putting parts and pieces together, but our artist made first all the separate parts and pieces,
and then combined them into a gun. He made, and often with
his own hand, the barrel-the stock-the lock-the bullet
moulds, complete; the brass, gold, or silver mountings, the
gravings, the everything! And each and every part and the
whole was so well executed, that one would think all the workmen required to make a pin had been separately employed
upon the rifle! He even made the steel gouges for stamping
names on his own work, and also for stamping type-founders'
matrices; he made, moreover, tools for boring musical instruments.
And this last reminds me that Allheart was the most " musical blacksmith" I ever knew-more so probably than our
learned blacksmiths. Not only could he play the ordinary and
extraordinary anvil tunes with hammers of all sizes, making
"sparks" and points, too, of light flash out much warmer and
far more brilliant than ever sprang from the goat-strings of the
Italian Maestro under the flagellating horse-hair, but Allheart
played the dulcimer, a monotone instrument shaped like an
/Eolian harp, and done with a plectrum  on wire strings; and
could, beyond all doubt, have easily played a sackbut, psaltery
and cymbals!
He soon became enamoured of the flute; and on my proposing to give him lessons, he purchased an instrument, and attended regularly at my house one or more evenings of every
week for two years, till he became as great a proficient as his
master, and from that to the present time-as he lately wrote
me-he has been the conductor of the Woodville Band. Perhaps my friend's musical enthusiasm may be better understood
from the following little incident. His hands and fingers were
nearly as hard as cast-iron; but this, while no small advantage
in fingering the iron strings of a dulcimer, or in playing on the
sonorous anvil, was a serious disadvantage in flute-playing; for
the indurated points of his fingers stopped the holes like keys
with badly formed metallic plugs, and permitted the air to leak
out. On several occasions I had admired secretly the fresh and
12




266              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
polished look of his finger-points when he came to take lessons;
till once he accidentally, and with the most delightful naivete,
unfolded  the cause, in  answer to  the following  indirect
query:
"You are quite late to-night, Allheart?"
"Yes-rather-but some customers from-Kaintuck stopped
me; and after that I had to stay till Ifiled down my fingers!"
My friend was, besides all this, a painter. And verily, as to
the lettering of signs, the shading, the bronzing, the peppering
and salting, and so forth, I defy any first-rate glazier any where
to beat Allheart; for he yet does signs for his neighbours, and
more from the goodness of his heart and the love of the arts
than for gain. To be sure, formerly he would mis-punctuate a
little, placing commas for periods, and periods where no diacritical mark was needed-although I do believe he sometimes,
like a wag of a printer, only followed copy. One thing is certain, he never improperly omitted a capital, though he may
have put such in where it might have been omitted; but then,
this only rendered the name more conspicuous, and the sign
itself altogether more capital.
Lettering was not, however, his sole forte; he aspired to pictorial devices, such as vignettes; and at last he ventured boldly
upon portraits, and even full-length figures.  His own portrait
was among the very first he took, and that by means of a mirror; but, whether from  modesty or want of skill, or want of
faithfulness in the glass, the likeness was not very flattering.
And yet, one thing done by our New Purchase artist ought-I
speak with becoming deference-to be imitated by many eminent eastern portrait-painters.
"What is that, sir 2"
Well, I am actuated by the best of motives, gentlemen, as it
was a peculiarity in Mr. Allheart's finish, by which, however
bad the mere painting, the likeness intended could always be
seen at a glance, if you knew how to look.
"What was it, sir? we are impatient."
"Why, he always painted on the frame of the picture the
name of the person to whom the likeness or portrait belonged.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    267
But the chef-d'oeuvre of Allheart was a full-length figulre of
the American goddess, Liberty, done for the sign of the new
hotel-the Woodville House.  He was engaged at this picture
during the intervals stolen from his smithery, one whole summer: and many were the wondering visitors, from far and near,
that favoured the artist with their company and remarks. For
most matters here done in private, were with us there done in
public-this, of course, being conducive to the perfection of the
fine arts.  And hence it is not surprising that Allheart, profiting
by the endless remarks and suggestions of our democratical
people, should have embodied all the best sentiment of the purest
republicans in nature, and given to the Purchase the very beau
ideal of American Liberty.
I shall attempt no elaborate critique, but shall say enough to
help intelligent readers to a fair conception of this piece.
The goddess, like a courageous and independent divinity,
stood, Juno-fashion, right straight up and down the canvass, and
with immoveable and fearless eyes fronted the spectator, and
looked exactly into his face; thus countenancing persecuted free
men, to the confusion of all tyrannical oppressors! Her face,
in size and feature, was a model for wholesome Dutch milkmaids to copy after; but the cheeks, instead of blushing, were,
I regret to say, only painted red, like those of an actress too
highly rouged.
In the right hand was a flag-staff, less indeed than a libertypole or Jackson-hickory, but considerably larger every way than
a broom-handle; and on its top was hung, exactly in the centre,
a cap-thus by its perfect balance and equi-distances of all parts
of the rim from the staff, showing that liberty is justice, and is
independent and impartial.  The cap had, however, an ominous
resemblance to one of Jack Ketch's; and no doubt foreign despots, ecclesiastical and secular, will pull said article over Liberty's eyes, if they succeed in apprehending and hanging her.
On the left shoulder squatted a magnificent eagle, in all the
plenitude of stiff golden feathers, and in the act of being-a-going
to drink from a good-sized bowl, held up by the left hand fingers
of the goddess.  What was the mixture could not be seen



268               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
the bowl was so high-but most probably it was a sleepingpotion, as the bird seemed settled for a night's roost. Nay,
this was the sentiment intended-to mark a time of profound
peace, like shutting the gates of Janus: and hence the eagle
held in his claws no arrowy thunder and lightning, being evidently disposed to let kings alone to take their naps, if they
would let him alone to take his. The idea was equal in sublimity to Pindar's eagle snoozing on Jupiter's sceptre, at the
music of Orpheus; although my friend's bird was uncommonly
big and heavy-but then his goddess was hale and hearty.
The drapery or dress was a neat, white muslin slip, then
fashionable iu Kentucky, which was the Paris whence we derived fashions; and this simple attire was tied gently under the
celestial bosom, which was heaved far up towards the chin, as
if the heart was swollen with one endless and irrepressible
emotion, and threatened some day or other, to sunder the tie
and burst right out, breast and all, through the frail barrier of
the fr ok! Yet doubtless the slip was high in the back, and, a
la Kaintuque, well secured between the shoulders, so that if
things gave way in the front, there was still some supportfrom
behind-but then it looked dangerous.  The frock was, how
ever, undeniably starched and rather too short-owing maybe,
to the upward heave of the bosom, as is the case sometimes
with dresses from ill-made or too much tournure and bustlefor the article stood forth, not from  the canvass, but from  the
person, and all smoth and unwrinkled as if just from  under the
hot smoothing-iron! And, alas! its great brevity-and the
figure up so high too-revealed the sturdy ankles away up till
they began to turn into limbs!
The feet, unlike Liberty's martyrs in the Revolution, and to
indicate our advance in comfort and security, and perhaps in
compliment to a ladies' shoemaker just established next the
Woodville House, were covered with a pair of red morocco
slippers; while on the ankles and upwards were drawn nice
white stockings-so that there was no denudity of limb, as a
ladc-reader may have feared, and the fashionable frock was not
so bad after all.  Some error, perhaps, in foreshortening had




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    269
happened as to the position of the feet, or rather the red moroccos; for, while the artist designed to represent the right foot
as stepping from the other, and the left, as pointing the shoe-toe
at the spectator immediately in front, yet the right shoe was
fixed horizontally with its heel at a right angle with the other,
and that other the left, hung perpendicularly down as if broken
at the instep-a marvellous likeness to the two slippers on the
shoemaker's own sign, one there with its sole slap against the
board, and the other up and down as if hung upon a peg.
And oh! how I do wish I had not been born before the era
of composition books! —or only now could take a few lessons
with the author of one!-so as to write with all the modern
improvements, like the talented family of the Tailmaquers in
the leading magazines and other picture-books for grown up
children!-I should so like to describe the putting up of our
new tavern-post, and the first hanging of the goddess of Liberty! But that's not for the like of me —I'm  no orator as
Brutus.  How can I paint the open-mouthed wonder of that
crowd! How make you see the hunchings!-the winks!-the
nods!-the pointings!-or hear the exclamations!-the queries!-the allowings!-the  powerfuls!-the uproar?  And
when lawyer Cutswell, candidate for Congress, mounted the
" hoss block" at the post, and ended his half-hour's speechoh! I never!
EXTRACT.
"        ~- ~-    Beautiful, indeed, fellow-citizens, vibrates
above us in the free air and sunshine of heaven, that picture!
but more beautiful even is our own dear, blood-bought liberty!
Long! long may her sign dance and rejoice there —(pointing
up)-long, long may her image repose here-(slapping  the
chest and rather low)-and long, long, long live our enterprising
townsman and fellow-citizen, who, untaught, has yet so ably
embodied all that is substantial and solid, and upright and unflinching and stable in abstract, glorious, lovely liberty-our
townsman, Allheart!"




270               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
" His tears run down his beard, like winter's drops
From eaves of reeds."
EARLY this autumn, Aunt Kitty having after considerable
anfixings got us fixed, returned to Glenville, whither we all at
the same time paid a flying visit. At our arrival, we found
true the report that John was defeated in his views on the clerkship by a majority against him of eleven; and that our ex-legislator had now leisure to collect the debts due Glenville & Co.debts increased by two political campaigns into " a puttee
powerful smart little heap."
This business would have been altogether easy and pleasant,
but for two small obstacles; most of our debtors who were
very willing indeed to pay, had no visible property; and the
rest were even invisible themselves! For, pleased with the
credit system in the Purchase, they had gone to try it elsewhere, and had become suddenly so unmindful of "the powerfullest smartest man and cleverest feller in the county," as to
go away without one tender adieu! The fact is, our dear old
friends had absquatulated, and gone away off somewhere to give
other candidates a sort of a lift.
But important changes almost destructive of Glenville Settlement, were now on the eve of accomplishment. Mr. Hilsbury had, his health being ruined, resigned his bishopric with
all its emoluments, and was about returning to the far east;
and Uncle Tommy from  an irrepressible spirit of wandering,
was just starting to go and build a cabin on Lake Michigan.
And so, we had come in time to bid farewell!
How melancholy the houses already seemed, so soon to be
tenantless, and then so soon to moulder and fall into ruins-a
deserted cabin quickly changing, like a body left by the vital




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  271
spark! Ah! how dreary the forest would be without friends!
I had no spirits to hunt; although I wandered away and sat
down on the bank of the creek opposite the little islet where the
deer lay down to die-but without my rifle-it was to weep!
Reader! if you have a soul you will not laugh at me-and if
you have none, then laugh away, poor creature, why should you
not enjoy yourself your own way?-but dear reader with a
soul, I after that went and sat down in the old bark-mill. And
there I recalled the morning we stumbled down the opposite
cliff into Uncle John's open arms-I saw the very spot where
the mother had clasped the daughter to her bosom, and "lifted
up her voice and wept"-and the sad spot too where that mother
now rested in the lonely grave! I remembered the fiesh revival of early dreams and visions realized in the novelty of a
wild forest life!-ay! I recalled the oddity of my laboursand even that poor mute, but not wholly irrational companion!
-and when I felt in my soul that changes had come and were
yet coming, and that I never, no, never, could be in these woods
as I had been-I even wept there, too, reader!-not loud indeed, but bitterly!
a      *1    **        *              *       *- 
During the past summer Uncle John had been appointed a
lay delegate from the Welden Diocese to attend an ecclesiastical convention about to meet early this fall at Vincennes; and
he now, before our return to Woodville, obtained my promise
to accompany him. Accordingly, a few days after our return,
he, and with him Bishop Shrub, called on me, and we three set
out for the Convention, or as all such gatherings are there called
-the Big Meeting.
The weather was luxurious, and the ride across the small
prairies was to me, who now for the first time saw these natural meadows, indescribably bewitching; indeed, this first glimpse
of the prairie world was like beholding an enchanted country!
The enchanted land in that most transcendantly enchanting
book, the Pilgrim's Progress, came so naturally to one's mind,
that surely Bunyan must have imagined a world like this meadowy land of wild and fragrant scents wafted by balmy airs




272             THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
from countless myriads of blossoms and flowers! Nothing is
like the mellow light, as the sun sinks down far away behind
the cloudless line of blended earth and sky-as if there one
could, at a step, pass from the plane of this lower world through
the hazy concave into the world of the ransomed! The bosoms
of these grassy lakes undulate at the slightest breeze, and are
sprinkled with picturesque islets of timber, on which the trees
are fancifully and regularly disposed, suggesting an arrangement by the taste of an unrecorded people of bygone centuries
for pleasure and religion. The whole brought back delusive
dreams-we felt the strange and half celestial thrill of a fairy
scene!
But pass we to a more earthly one. Eight miles from Vincennes we stopped at a friend's house to shave and preach; for
among western folks a bishop is supposed to be made for
preaching and we use him accordingly-and not infrequently
we use him  entirely up. The preaching was in due season
easily performed, but the shaving, ah! there's the-scrape!
Bishop Shrub was fortunately shaved close enough to last to
Vincennes; not so Uncle John and myself. And when the old
gentleman examined his saddle-bags, alas! alas! by an unaccountable negligence our razors and concomitants had been left
at Woodville! But this forgetfulness was promptly supplied,
I may add and punished also, by our host; for he offered his
own razor-a curious cutting tool in a wooden handle, nearly as
large and quite as rough as a corn-cob! The bone handle, or
make-believe-turtle one, had, in the course of ages, been worn
away by the handling of grandsires and grandsons; and so had
the edge itself by the ferocious stubble on the chins of woodsmen! Or perhaps it had been tritered away on a grindstonethe thing so much resembled a farmer's knife done up for hogkilling!
Now Uncle John's countenance (?) was tender as a lamb's.
Hence his razors were always in prime order; and when he and
I shaved with his articles in company, he always insisted on the
-first shave. But to-day, the excellent old gentleman most
condescendingly gave me the precedence, internally resolving to




THE  NEW  PURCHASE,                   273
watch my performance and success, and then to shave or not
accordingly.  Well, duly appreciating this unusual condescension, and thinking it a pity Uncle John should enter Vincennes
with such a crop as his chin now held, we also secretly purposed
-viz., to go through the whole affair without one audible or
visible sign of torture! For certain was it, that if Mr. Carlton,
whose face was just as lamb-like as Mr. Seymour's, shaved
without wincing, certain was it, Uncle John, long before our
complete abrasion, would be so in the suds that, for consistency's
sake, he must go through the whole scrape before he would get
out of it.
Hence I strapped the oyster-knife, first on the instep of my
boot, making there, however, an ominous scratch or two; then
on the cover of a leaven-bit Testament done up in freckled
leather; and finally, although very lightly, on the palm of the
hand secundum artem: after which I made a feint at a hair, and
then laid down the tormentor with so complacent compression
of my lips as to say, that notwithstanding looks, the razor after
all was "jeest" the very dandy!  Next, with a small bundle of
swine's bristles tied in the middle with a waxed thread, I applied,
out of a broken blue tea-cup, as much brown soap lather to my
face as would stick; and then with a genuine far-east barber's
flourish, touched'the vile old briar-hook to my cheek, boldly
and-lightly as possible.
Reader! I did not swear in those days, but I could not avoid
saying mentally-" O-o-oh! go-o-od! gramine!!"-and thinking
of Job and the barrel of ale. Some profane wretches would have
cursed right out as horribly as Pope Pius or Innocent, the vicegod, damning and blackguarding a Calvinistic heretic; and for
which malignancy the said Pope deserves to be scraped over
his whole divine carcass twice a-day with the above razoj, and
without the alleviation of the brown soap.  Happily for the
success of my benevolent stratagem I kept in; for at the moment I caught a glimpse of Uncle John's face peeping over my
shoulder into the tiny bit of looking-glass, and with his spectacles on! But if he did detect the involuntary tear in my eye,
and take the alarm, he became instantly calm  again by seeing
12*s




274              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
the smile on my lip! Blood he discerned not; the tool was
guiltless of all cutting, and brought away no beard save what it
pulled out by the roots.  Hence Uncle Johri was most essentially bamboozled; and long before my beard was all plucked
up, he had laid aside his coat and cravat, and according to custom, and to soften his beard, he was lathering away with the
hog-bristles and brown soap.
Had the old gentleman taken a peep now, he must have
smelled the rat; for, spite of pain and tears, my laugh was too
broad for mere delectability from  a good shave-there was
mischief and, I fear, some hypocrisy in the scarcely suppressed
chuckle.  However, being done, or scraped, I put down the
eradicator with the air of one willing to shave all day with such
a razor; upon which Uncle John advanced and took up the
thing, manifesting, indeed, a little suspicion on glancing at its
edge, and yet with very commendable confidence too; and
then after the usual strappings and flourishings, he seized his
nose with the left hand, and with the right laid the scraper sideways on a cheek, and essayed a rapid and oblique sweep towards
his ear.
Ah! me!-if I live a thousand more years, I shall ever be
haunted by the dear old gentleman's look! Such a compound
of surprise, and vexation, and pain, and fun, and humour! Such
a "Carlton-you-rascal-you!-if I don't-never mind!" expression as met my view while I peeped over his shoulder into
the fiagment of glass against the wall!  And then as he espied
me therein grinning, when he turned, and with eyes swimming
in tears, uttered in a whisper, and between a cry and a laugh,
his favourite expression of benevolence and amazement-" Oh!
cry!-out!"
0! yes! if one could have cried out, or even laughed out!
But there was our host and all his family; and the father kept
on at very judicious intervals with praise of that razor, thus:"Powerful razor that, Mr. Carlton!  Grandaddy used to say
he'd shaved with it when he was young, Mr. Seymour! and his
face was near on about as saft as yourn I allow. However, it's
getting oldish now, and don't cut near as sharpish as it once did




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   275
-allow  it wants grinding: still I wouldn't give it for are
another two I ever seen."
Could one dare venture to complain about such a razor?
against which no dog had even wagged a tongue or a tail for a
hundred years! So we cried in and laughed in then-but when
we got out of sight and hearing in the prairie! Nobody, I fear,
would have conjectured we were going to the big meeting.
Poor dear, old Uncle John! I am laughing even now at thy beloved face in that most furious lather of brown soap! and with
that grand swathe cut through towards thy ear by that venerable
briar-hook!-ay! and at that concentration of kindness, surprise,
and joke-taking embodied in-" Oh! cry out! -  - "
"But, la! me! Mr. Carlton, where's the moral of this story'"
My dear madam, some stories have no moral; but the design is to warn you never to travel in new settlements, if your
face is tender, without your own shavingapparatus.
"For shame!ladies never shave."
Oh! my!-the sentence is carelessly constructed; but none
can say where beards may not grow next. Certainly they are
now found, if not on girls' chins, yet on very girlish faces. And
agriculture of all kinds is now better understood, and the most
unpromising soils produce the most astonishing crops; and
besides, we are evidently in the Hairy Age, and tobacco is
puffed and spurted from hairy lips like black mud from a quagmire -
"Sir! this is offensive!"
Very; therefore let us quit it.




276               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
"When holy and devout religious men
Are at their beads, tis hard to draw them thence."
"Love and meekness, lord,
Become a churchman better than ambition."
ON reaching Vincennes, our party, as others, were quartered
upon the citizens; and such kindness as belongs pre-eminently
to the West and South, was bestowed upon us during the week
of the convocation.
Vincennes has been the scene of many meetings, civil, political, ecclesiastical, and military; to say nothing about Frenchifled Indian councils and Indianised French dances, and other odd
things produced by this amalgamation of the red and white
savages.  But now it was the theatre of two remarkable exhibitions-the gathering of a Protestant council, and the erection of a Papistical cathedral!-strange meeting of light and
darkness.  And both professed to be for the propagation of the
religion of Jesus Christ.
Now, whether the simple shining of truth in the reading and
preaching of a vernacular Bible, and in the good lives and examples of puritanic Christians, and without aid from the civil
arm, and without a base indulgence of men's evil passions and
propensities, shall be more potent than a tradition, dark, bewildering, and uncertain, delivered by doctors and professors of the
faggot and the thumb-screw, admits a question; but, judging
from the success that has always attended the affectionate embraces of the old woman with the scarlet mantle, and especially
when seated amid " the wimples and crisping-pins," the roasters,
and boilers, and toasters of the Inquisition,-frorn the efficacy
of sweet doses and sugared cups, and intoxicating bowls of indulgences granted to the saints and holy ones, it is more than
likely that the great crowd of such as "love darkness" and "the




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   277
wages of unrighteousness," and "prefer the pleasures of sin for
a season," will-and are not such the oL HoXoet —will become
militant, and on earth triumphant members of the Holy (?)
Catholic (??) Church (???)
In vain, while looking at the sacred walls of the cathedral,
rising brick by brick, did I severely chide my antagonist feelings as heretical pravity; in vain recall the oft-repeated remark,
that we were in the nineteenth century, the age of courtesy,
and charity, and light, and wisdom, and oh! of ever so many
first chop good things beside; in vain remember that human
nature had been gradually refining ever since the days of Judas
Iscariot, till it was now ten per cent. per annum  better, and
more spiritual and heavenly-minded; yea, poor sinner that I
was, in vain I said this is the march of mind, and that I was,
poor sneaking doubter, in danger of falling into the rear of my
age! Nothing would do-but my historic readings kept intruding in the most impertinent and unbecoming manner; and
I was abominably harassed with the fables of the Vaudois-and
Huguenots-and Jerome-and Huss —and St. Bartholomew's,
and Irish, and other massacres, and all such ridiculous things!
Nay, I was plunged most unreasonably into nasty dungeons,
and saw racks, and halters, and augers-and, silly creature, I
imagined an auto da fe! and heard shouts and groans! and
smelled incense, faggots and gunpowder! and even Te Dezms
for the death of ungodly heretics wickedly killed by the state,
contrary to the entreaties of the Holy Church! Alas! reprobate that I was, for reading books prescribed by that Church!and all those books got up by folks worthy of no credit-enemies of the Church and of the Pope,-and who would wickedly
tell when they were tortured, and refused to be damned for
ever by escaping from prison, gibbets and stakes!
And then 1 said, oh! you unreasonable man, has not the Holy
Catholic Church long since given up her bloody persecuting
principles, and resolved never to do so again, if we will only
take on her yoke-until she gets the power? Alas! I thought
of political mottoes used as ornaments to secular newspapers,
such as "Power steals from the many to the few;" and of that




278               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
narrow, bigotted, puritanical sentiment, " The heart is deceitful
above all things, and desperately wicked;" and so I turned to
contemplate
THE PROTESTANT CONVOCATION.
And I could not but feel grateful to the rightful Head of the
spiritual Church, that here was a little band, hated of Rome
and Oxford.  For, with the men of this conference the true
light had travelled thus far westward, and we hoped it might
shine out far and wide over the noble plains, and dispel the
gloom of the grand forests-since the march of the mind is only
an evil without the march of the Bible.
This Protestant assembly was a gathering of delegates principally from  the land of Hoosiers and Suckers; but with a
smart sprinkling of Corn-crackers, and a small chance of Pukes
from beyond the father of floods, and even one or two from the
Buckeye country.  These were not all eminent for learning, and
polish, and dress, wearing neither doane gowns nor cocked
hats; although some there were worthy seats in the most august assemblies any where, and however distinguished for wit,
learning, and goodness.  Most of these Protestants, indeed,
carried to excess a somewhat false and dangerous maxim: " better wear out than rust out," since it is better to do neither.
And worn, truly, were they, both in apparel and body, as they
entered the town on jaded horses, after many days of hard and
dangerous travelling away from their cabin-homes, left far behind in dim woods beyond rivers, hills and prairies.
And what came they together fort  Mainly, I believe, to
preach, to pray, to tell about their successes, and disappointments
and encouragements-their hopes, and fears, and sorrows-to
rectify past errors, and form better plans of doing good for the
future-to see, and encourage, and strengthen one another.
Business, in the semi-politico-ecclesiastical sense, they did littlefor of that was but little to do. And there were few causes of heartburning and jealousy. No richly endowed professorships, no a
la mode congregations were found in all their vast extent of diocesses-no world's treasures or places to tempt, to divide, to sour!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   279
Truly it was a House of Bishops, if not of Lords: if by a
bishop is meant one that has the care of many congregations,
an enormous parish, abundant religious labours, and a salary of
one or two hundred dollars above nothing.  In the midst of so
fiaternal and cheerful a band of misters and brothers, I was constantly reminded of an old saying; "Behold! how these Christians love one another!" What could exceed their cordial and
reciprocal greetings at each arrival? What their courtesy in
debate'?  What the deep interest in each other's welfare?-the
lively emotions excited by their religious narratives and anecdotes   And then their tender farewells! To many the separation was final as to this life-but why should that make us
sad?  They who find heaven begun on earth, meet beyond the
grave, and there find heaven consummated!
Brother Shrub and myself were entertained, during the convention week, at the house of a medical gentleman, eminent in
his profession, but addicted, it was said, to profanity in ordinary
conversation. Without a premonition, no suspicion of so blameworthy a practice could have arisen in our minds; for no real
Christian ever showed guests greater courtesy, or seemed so far
from profaneness than our gentlemanly host.  He did not even
annoy us with lady-like mincings, putting forth the buddings of
profanity in "la! me!-good gracious!" and the like.
But on Sabbath night, our conversation taking a religious
turn, the subject of profane swearing was incidentally named,
when I could not resist the temptation of drawing a bow at a
venture; and so I said:
" Doctor, we leave you to-morrow; and be assured we are
very grateful to Mrs. D. and yourself; but may I say, dear sir,
we have been disappointed here?"
"Disappointed!"
"Yes, sir, but most agreeably — "
"In what, Mr. Carlton?"
"Will you pardon me, if I say we were misinformed, and
may I name it V"
"Certainly, sir, say what you wish."
"Well, my dear sir, we were told that Doctor D. was not




280               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
guarded in his language-but surely you are misrepresented
"Sir," interrupted he, " I do honour you for candour; yet, sir,
I regret to say, you have not been misinformed. I do, and,
perhaps habitually, use profane language; but, sir, can you
think I would swear before religious people, and one of them a
clergyman?"
Tears stood in my eyes-the frank-heartedness of a gentleman always starts them-as I took his hand, and replied:
"My dear sir, you amaze us! Can it be that Doctor D., so
courteous and so intelligent a man, has greater reverence for us
than for the venerable God!"
"Gentlemen," replied the Doctor, and with a tremulous
voice, " I never did before see the utter folly of profane swearing. I will abandon it for ever."
Reader, are you profane?  Imitate the manly recantation of
my estimable friend, Doctor D.
"To SWEAR-'is neither brave, polite, nor wise:
You would not swear upon the bed of deathReflect-your Maker now could stop your breath I"
During the week, in company with some clergymen, we
visited the grave of a young man, who, unavoidably exposed to
a fatal illness in discharging his missionary duties, had died at
Vincennes in early manhood, and far away from  his widowmother's home.  Deep solemnity was in the little company of
his classmates as they stood gazing where rested the remains of
the youthful hero! Dear young man, his warfare was soon
ended-and there he lay among the silent ones in the scented
meadow-land of the far west! He heard not the voice of the
wind, whether it breathed rich with the fragrance of wild sweets,
or roared around in the awful tones of the hurricane, sweeping
over the vastness of the measureless plains! Nor heard he the
sighs of his comrades-nor saw their sudden tears wiped away
with the stealthy motion of a rapid hand!
To him that visit was vain; not so to us, for we departed, resolved ourselves to be ready for an early death.  And since




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      281
then several of that little company of mourners in a strange
land have themselves, and before the meridian of life, gone
down to the sides of the pit!
Are you ready, my reader 2
Time is a price to buy eternity!
CHAPTER XXXIX.
"Tree I why hast thou doffed thy mantle of green
For the gorgeous garb of an Indian queen?
With the umbered brown and the crimson stain
And the yellow fringe on its'broidered train?
And the autumn gale through its branches sighed
Of a long arrear, for the transient pride."-SIGOURNEY.
UNCLE John and I, being now very near Illinois, where resided a distant relative of ours, determined to pay him a visit.
Our way led through successive and beautiful little prairies,
separated by rich bottom lands of heavy timber and other interposing woody districts-the trees being all magnificently
glorious in the autumnal colours of their dense foliage. No
artificial dyes rival the scarlet, the crimson, the orange, the
brown, of the sylvan dresses-giant robes and scarfs, hung with
indescribable grandeur and grace, over the rough arms and rude
trunks of the forest!
And voices enough of bird, and beast, and insect, and reptile,
rose at our approach fiom  the bosom  of the wavy grass, to
break the solitude of the treeless plains; but, on entering a district of wood, the uproar of tones, voices, shrieks, hisses, barkings, and a hundred other nameless cries, was deafening! It
was bewildering! How like the enchanted hills and groves of
the Arabian Tales! Indeed, had a penalty awaited our looking
around, we should have become stone, or stump, or paroquet, or
squirrel, a thousand times over and over, much to our surprise
and mortification! The bewildering tumult assailing him, on
entering the solemn dark of primitive oriental forests, must
have suggested to the Magician of the Thousand and One




282              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Nights, some of the charms and witcheries and incantations
that entranced our first years of boyhood and dreams! To the
elfish notes of four-footed and creeping goblins and winged and
gay sprites, were added the rustle of fresh fallen leaves, the
crackling of brush-wood, the rattling of branch and bush, the
strange creaking of great trees, rubbing in amity their arms and
boughs, and the wailing and moaning of fitful winds; and this
formed our sinless Babel.
Under the most favourable arrangement of lungs, and larynx
and ears, conversation is a labour in such groves and meadows;
but, ah! my dear friend, if one's comrade is deaf! or still
worse if he is a modest man of the muttery and whispery
genus! and hearing uncommonly sharp himself, takes for granted
you hear ditto! True, if you like to do talking, and the other
hearing, that is the very thing; but, alas! our escort in this
episodial trip, who was a Mr. Mealymouth, was even more desirous of talking than hearing! And what made it more awful,
it was not possible to answer him in the "Amen-at-a-venture"
mode; for most of Mr. Mealymouth's queries, which were
numerous as a pedlar's from the land of guesses, admitted not
the mere answer yes or no, but demanded explanatory replies
like those of Professor Didactic. He asked to find out what
you knew, and not to be answered.
Uncle John quickly contrived to shuffle out of this scrape,
and with a most unchristian design to take revenge for the
razor affair; but then he ought not to have paid back with so
terrible an interest. Nay, he lagged just in our rear, every
now and then switching my creature, till the huzzy-a.ladyhorse-feared to quit the side of the escort's horse —a horsehorse-and so kept on even a-head with him, pace for pace,
trot for trot, shuffle for shuffle; her eyes strained backward, her
ears pointed and tremulous, and her heels in the panlo-antefuture tense of being-nearly-about-a-going-to-kick-while I, completely snared and in-for-it, could be seen, all eye and ear, with
my neck away out forward to catch the sense of Mr. Mealymouth muttering and whispering some half-articulate question,
direct or indirect, thus:




THE  NEW  PURCHASE                    283
"Well-Carlt-powerful-don't-allow 1"
" Si-i-i-r'" at the top of my voice to provoke him to a higher
pitch.
"Most powerful good meet-reckon-don't —  "
"Oh! yes, rather lean, however-it wasn't stall fedthink it was "-(I thought he alluded to the beefsteak at
breakfast.)
" Meetin-meetin-convoc-hard heerin-allow 2"
"The leaves rattle so-oh! yes, noble set of good men."
"Mr. Carlton-allow-Mr. Seymour-aint he?"
"Yes!-no!"  And turning round I bellowed out-" Hullow! Uncle John, ride up, Mr. Mealymouth wants you!"
" Road too narrow-'fraid of things getting rubbed in my
saddle-bags," replied Uncle J.
Here I politely made a movement to fall in the rear and
give up my privilege; but my skittish jade, catching sight of
Uncle John's upraised switch, snorted, and cocking back her ears
trotted me up again to the place of punishment-while from
Uncle John's face, it was plain enough he was indulging in a
malicious inward laugh.  Nay, although I hate to tell it, he
actually put up his finger against his cheek and made signs of
shaving!-a pretty way for a pious man of returning good for
evil!
I shall not detail all my misapprehensions nor contrivances
to avoid answering at hazard, as for instance, suddenly crying
out, when expected to reply to a query-" See! see! that
deer!"-or-" Hurraw! for the turkeys there!"-or-" Smell
cowcumbers-guess a rattlesnake's near."  Nor shall I relate
how, at last, I did get behind Uncle John; and how Mr. M. fell
back and rode with him; I ever and anon admonishing Mr.
Seymour to take care of his saddle-bags; nor how Uncle John
was attacked with a very uncommon and alarming stiffness,
rendering it necessary for him to dismount and walk a whole
mile; and how he overtook us at the ford of the Wabash, Mr.
M. fortunately volunteering to lead his horse; but I hasten to
say that about evening we reached the house of a friend who
had invited us to call on him; and that here, to crown the plea



284              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
sures of the day, we found our host Mr. Softspeech was even
more inarticulate than Mr. Mealymouth himself.
Uncle John now proposed to bury the hatchet, and form  a
league of offence and defence; hence, after due deliberation
while out washing and wiping, it was concluded that we both sit
together, and always in front of the fire; thus keeping our innocent tormentors each at opposite sides of the chimney-place.
For first, this would do them a service by compelling them to
talk out, it seeming impossible, if they designed speaking to one
another at all, to do it long in a mutter; and secondly, if we
were assailed by either enemy right or left, we should have
four ears to defend and aid us, instead of two, and so we could
together compound a pretty fair answer: this judicious arrangement made us nearly equal to a Siamese twins.
And yet, one important matter was found to have been overlooked-the effect on our risibility. For when the two cousins
of Simongosoftly began a gentle stir of murmuring lips, and both
found, in despite of keen ears, that articulate language must be
used; and when evident vexation from their reciprocal mutters
and mistakes arose, and they looked at one another in a style
like saying, "Blame you, why don't you speak louder" -
Oh! dear reader, would you have believed it? Uncle John all
at once laughed right out!-and then you know I couldn't help
it-could I?
But then, the old gentleman turned it so adroitly, thus:
" Mr. Carlton," said he, "whenever I think of that trick you
served me about the razor I can't help laughing."
And of course that affair was narrated; and we had the satisfaction of finding our two friends could laugh like Christians, if
they could not talk like them. And truly man is pretty much
of a laughing animal. And certainly none deserves to be more
laughed at; although for this vile sin of muttering, and grumbling, and whispering out words with a fixed jaw, and eyes half
shut up like a dreamy cat in the sunshine, words, that should be
articulated in the sweet vocality of human speech, the whole
abominable tribe of Mealymouths deserves not only to be
laughed and hooted at, but actually well scourged.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   285
Well, we paid our visit to our Sucker relative; and then,
after the two worthy old gentlemen had exhausted their reminiscences, and edified one another with adventures in hunting,
and fishing, and camping out, and voyaging, and so on, we bade
farewells; and Uncle John and myself, but without an escort,
took the homeward trail. The accidents in the path belong to
the next chapter.
CHAPTER XL.
"Being skilled in these parts, which, to a stranger
Unguided and unfriended, often prove
Rough and inhospitable."
ON the return, our first night was passed with the host of the
antediluvian razor.  But going into the woods we.needed now
no shaving; although we shortly became entangled in another
scrape, to be estimated in comparison and contrast, according
to the tenderness of one's face, or his leggins and trowsers.
Let me not forget that, before reaching Razorville, we had
passed through a primitive world, an antique French settlement; and in it could be discerned no trace of modern arts and
inventions; but agriculture, architecture and other matters were
so ancient that we seemed to have come among aboriginal
Egyptians or Greeks. The carts or wagons were like the wain
of Ceres, and moved on spokeless wheels of solid wood, without
naves, and, if circumference applied to wheels must be a circle,
without circumference.
The horse-if such may be called a dwarf, shaggy pony, so
dirty and earthy as to seem raised in a crop, like turnips or
potatoes-this villainous and cunning horse was tied to the
Cerealian vehicle by thongs of elm bark, fastened to a collar of
corn-blades around his neck; and he had a head-gear of elm
bark ropes for halter or bridle-but sometimes he had no headgear whatever.  He was driven usually by flagellation from a
stick-whip, in size between a switch and a pole, yet often with




286              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
a corn-stalk fourteen feet long without its tassel, and, not infrequently, by a clod or rock thrown against his head or side.
At the first hint from the persuasives, shaggy coat would
merely shake his head and look up, and then, with an impudent
flourish of a tail compounded of burrs and horse-hair, he would
pull away-not, indeed, at his load-but at the corn-blades and
ears, dangling in plenty about his unmuzzled mouth.  On a repetition of the hint, especially if accompanied by a Canadianized-French:execration-and its potency may be thus judgedpony would whisk with his cart some half dozen decided jerks,
attended by the rattling of his corn-collar, the straining of bark
traces, and the screeching of dry wheel and axis; minus, also, a
mess of corn bounced from the wain at every jerk. And thus
matters proceeded, with iterations of thumps, pelts, curses, and
outcries on one side, and jerks ahead on the other, till the horse
and wagon was clear of the corn-field-and then look out!
Pony had now no more to expect in the way of mouthfuls till
he reached the stack-yard, and so, go ahead was his mottoand, with him, no idle sentiment! True, the machine wabbled
and bounced-that was owing to the inartificiality of the workmanship, and the asperities of the ground; the load jumped
over the sides or rattled from the tail-that was because the
sides were too low, and there was no tail-board; perhaps, even
the collar broke, and little shaggy was released-the collar
should have been leather: his duty was plain-to get to the
stack-yard as speedily as possible, with or without a cart, or
with it full or empty.
How my nameless quadrupedal old friend would have relished
and adorned this arcadian life! What a theatre for his abilities
and accomplishments! It may be something to live in clover;
but what is life in a clover-patch of a dozen rods, to life in a
prairie corn-field of a thousand acres?
But this is digression, of which, indeed, other examples occurred on our way home.
A friend of ours, a citizen of Woodville, returning now from
Vincennes, and who travelled in a small one-horse-wagon, had
told us of a short cut across the prairie; and had stated atso,.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  287
that, while the path was an almost imperceptible trace, being
used only by a few horsemen, still we should easily follow the
marks of his wheels-and thus a whole hour could be gained.
Passing us, therefore, on the evening we had reached Razorville,
he went by the short cut, to "ole man Stafford's," a distance of
seven miles; intending there to stay all night, and await our
arrival to a very early breakfast next morning-the remainder
of the journey to be made in company.
Well, an hour before day-break on Tuesday morning, we put
out, and in half an hour came to the "blind path;" into which
we struck bold enough, considering we had to dismount to find
it, and that, from the dimness of the early morn, no wagon-ruts
could yet be discerned. But as the light increased, we could
see, here and there, in the grass, traces of a light wagon; and
that emboldened us to trot on very fast, in the comfortable as
surance of rapidly approaching a snug breakfast of chicken
fixins, eggs, ham-doins, and corn slap-jacks. By degrees the
prairie turned into timber land; but that had been expected,
although the woods were rather more like thickets and swamps
than ought to be encountered on entering the Stafford country.
Still, every two or three rods was some mark of our friend's
wagon; -and as short cuts often pass through out-of-the-way districts, and we travelled now not by stars, or sun, or compass,
but by wheel-ruts, we deemed it best to stick to our guide and
Uncle John's old saw-"'tis a long lane that has no turn."
At last we came to the edge of a dense and dark thicket;
and here, at right angles with the ruts-for long since the sixinch horse-path had run out, or sunk, or evaporated, or something-ran a deep and wide gulley, blocked with fallen trees
and brushwood; over which, of course, the wagon had got somehow, and, as was natural, without leaving any visible trace
This deficiency was, however, not important, because, you know,
we should find the wagon-tracks on the far side of the ravine,
and so over we went working, where the impediments seemed
fewest, in a zig-zag method, for about two hundred yards, when,
all at once, we rose, large as life, up the opposite bank, and instantly began talking:



288              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
" See any ruts?"
"No-do you?"
"No-let's ride to the left."
"Through that papaw and spice!-no, no, try the right."
"The right!-look at the grape and green briar-better keep
straight ahead."
"Straight ahead, indeed! —that's worse than  the other
courses."
" Why, how, in the name of common sense, did Mr. Thorn
ever get his wagon through here — come, you go right, and I'll
go left, and let's see if we can't find the wheel-ruts."
And then we separated; but after hard " scrouging" each
way some hundred yards, and halloing questions, answers,
doubts, guesses, etc., etc., in a very unmealymouthed manner,
till we became hoarse, and withal finding no ruts, nor even hoofmarks, we came together and held a council. The result of the
deliberation was:1. That we were probably-(Uncle J. being a woodsman
would allow only a probability)-were probably lost:
2. That maybe we might have followed a wrong wagon, and
maybe we might not:
3. That maybe we had better go back, and maybe we had
not:
4. That as it was likely we had been spirited into the Great
Thicket of the White River, it would be best to work ahead,
and strike the river itself now, up or down, which-I forget
which one Uncle J. said-was a settlement maybe.
This last proposition having a decided majority of two voices,
we began to work our passage into the river, Mr. Seymour as
general in the van, Mr. C. as rear-guard.
Now, how shall our swamp be described?  What language
can here be an echo to the sense   Any attempt of the sort
would be so complicated an implexicity in the interwovenness
of the circularity, that should give the sight, and sound, and
fragrance of the maziness in that most amazing of mazes, where
all sorts of crookednesses made contortion worse in its interlacings, that-that-one would go first this way, and then some




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    289
other way, and then back again once more towards the end,
side, middle and beginning of the sentence, and yet fail to discover the-the-echo-and be no more able to get through
with so labyrinthical unperiodical a period, in any other way
than we were to get out of the thicket, and that was by bursting out-so!
Iowever, you've picked black-berries?-gone after chickengrapes, or something, in your early days?  You've set snares
in pretty thick thickets, where you went on all-fours through
prickle-bushes, to save your face?  Well-aggregate the trifling
impediments of your worst entanglements; then colour matters
a little, and you approximate a just conception of our thicket.
In this, all sorts of trees, bushes, briars, thorns, and creepers,
the very instant their seeds were dropped or roots set by
nature-and some without staying for either root -or seedstarted right up and off, all at once, a growing with all their
might, each and every struggling, like all creation for the ascendancy, and thus preventing one another and all others, from
getting too large; yea, in haste and eagerness, like candidates
climbing a hickory-pole, all wrapping, and interlacing, and interweaving trunks, boughs, branches, arms, roots and shoots, till
no eye could tell whether, for instance, the creeper produced the
thorn, or the thorn the creeper, or the vine the scrub-oak, or the
oak the grapes —and till the shaking, or pulling, or touching, of
a single branch, vine, root, or briar shook a thousand!-like
the casting of a pebble into a lake, till it disturbed in some degree, the whole immensity of the thicket! And so all, in sheer
rage, malice, and vexation, sent forth all manners, kinds and
sorts of prickers and scratchers, and thorns, and scarifiers; and
began to bear all manners, and kinds, and sorts of flowers, and
poisonous berries and grapes!
In places, a black walnut, or hackberry or sycamore, having,
like a Pelagian, an intrinsic virtue, had got the start of nature by
a few hours at the beginning of the swamp; and had ever since
kept a head so elevated as now to be overlooking miles around
of the mazy world below, and presenting a trunk and boughs
so wrapped in vines and parasites as to form a thicket within a
13




290              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
thicket, an imperium in imperio; while coiled and wreathed
there into fantastic twistings, immense serpentine grape vines
seemed like boas and anacondas, ready to enfold and crush their
victims! Nay in every labyrinth were concealed worlds of insects, reptiles, and winged creatures; and some, judging from
their hisses, and growls, and mutterings, as they darted from
one concealment to another at the strange invasion of their dens
and lairs, were doubtless formidable in aspect, and not innoxious
in bites and stings.
Through this apparently impervious wilderness of the woven
world twist, however, we did-onward, as Uncle John said. I
thought it was a vain struggle, like striving to free one's self
from the meshes of a giant's net! Yet I kept close in the rear
of his horse; for Mr. Seymour insisted on being pilot, and
politeness yields to elders even in wriggling through a swamp.
But what need be told our contrivances to work through 
Never in words can be painted the drawing up of our legs!the shrinking of our bodies!-the condensation of our arms!the bowings down of our heads, with compressed lips and shut
eyes! But still we talked thus:
"Oh! hullow! stop, won't you 2"
"What's the matter 2"
" My hat's gone."
"There it is, dangling on that branch-look up-higher!higher yet!"
" Oh! yes-I see:-lucky the hat wasn't tied under a fellow's
chin, hey 2-how the thing jerked!"
"Ouch!-what a scratch!-just get out your knife and cut
this green-briar."
"I've cut it-go on: —look out, you'll lose your right
leggin."
"Whi-i-i.rr!-what's that "
"A pheasant!"
" I-i-i-ss!-what's that?"
"A snake!"
" Haw! haw! haw!-if your trowsers ain't torn the prettiest!"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   291
"Don't taste them!-they ain't grapes!-they are poison
berries!"
" Look-quick!-what an enormous lizard!"
And then such knocks on the head! Did I ever think heads,
before the aid of phrenology, could bear such whacks! Soft
heads, surely, must have been mashed, and hard ones, cracked;
and, therefore, Uncle John and I had medium sculls, and the precise developments to go through thickets. I had always disbelieved the vulgar saying about " knocked into a cocked hat,"deeming it, indeed, possible to be knocked out of one; but my
infidelity left me in that swamp, when I saw the very odd figures
we made after our squeezings, abrasions, and denudings.  The
shape of a cocked hat was not at all like them! and yet, in
about three hours from the starting at the gulley, we somehow
or other stood on the summit of a bold bluff, and beheld the
river coolly and beautifully flowing beneath our feet away
below! Here we halted, first to repair apparel, wipe off perspiration, and pick out briars and thorns from  the hands and
other half-denuded parts; and, secondly, to determine the next
movement, when-hark! the sound of an axe!-yes! and. hark!
-of human voices!
Between us and the sounds, evidently not more than two
hundred yards up the river, interposed a dense and thorny
rampart; but with coats fresh buttoned to our throats, hats halfway over the face, and leggins rebound above the knee and at
the ankle, we, in the saddles, and retired within ourselves. like
snails, the outer man being thus contracted into the smallest
possible dimension, and with heads so inclined as to render following the nose alike impossible and useless, we charged with
the vengeance of living battering rams against and into the
matted wall of sharp and sour vegetables; and onward, onward,
went we thus, till all at once, the impediment ceasing, we burst
and tumbled through into an open circular clearing of about
fifty yards' diameter!
In one part was a rude shantee or temporary lodge of poles
and bark, a la Indian, having in front, as cover to a door-way,
a suspended blanket, perhaps to keep out mosquitoes; for I




292               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
could neither see nor imagine any other use.  On one side the
area, were large heaps of hoop-poles, on another, of barrelstaves; while in several places stood gazing at us three squatterlike personages, and evidently not gratified at our unceremonious
visit.  The nature of their employment was manifest-the preparation of some western "notions and ideas" for the Orleans
market.
"Well, what of that?"
Nothing; it was very correct, except in one small particular;
this snlg little swamp and thicket, some thirty miles by two in
extent, and full of choice timber, happened to belong to our
Great Father's elder brother, the venerable dear good old Uncle
Sam!  And these reprobate nephews, our cousins, were simply
busy in taking more than their share of the common heritagein short, they were poaching and stealing!  Now, kind reader,
for the last three hours, we had passed through a considerable
scrape; nay, as we had shrunk up, it may be called a narrow
scrape, but on comprehending the present affair, it seemed not
improbable that we had only come out of the scrape literal, into
the scrape metaphorical.
" How so'"  Why you see, a large penalty was incurred for
cutting down and stealing public timber; and the informer got
a handsome share of the fine as reward; so that our industrious
kinsmen taking us, at first, for spies and informers, not only
looked, but talked quite growly; and we both felt a little
nervous at sight of the rifles and scalping knives in the shantee!
Here is a first-rate temptation to make a thrilling story; but I
must not forget the dignity of history-although Uncle John
and I both thrilled at the time without any story-and so I proceed to say, that we soon satisfied our fiee traders who we were;
and that they condescended not only to laugh, but to sneer at
us, and then pointed to a nice little wagon that one of them had
driven yesterday from  near Razorville, with their supplies for
the current week!  And that was the identical rut-making
machine, that, so contrary to every body's wishes had coaxed
us into the thicket!
We were then taught how to return on its trace, by a kind




TIE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    293
of opening through the maze; and received ample directions
where and how to cross the ravine.  We accordingly hastened
away; but we never felt perfectly easy, or ventured to laugh
honestly, till full two hundred yards beyond the longest rifle
shot, which might very accidentally take our direction, and,
may be, hit us. After having thus lost a wagon in a prairie, I
felt inclined to believe in the difficulty of finding a needle in a
hay-stack.  But we came, finally, to a deserted cabin; and
there, after a keen look, discovered a little path laid down for us
in the late verbal chart.
Revived we now cantered on, and not long after reached our
breakfast-house, just as the sun was going clown-having in the
day's navigation with all our tackings made precisely seven
miles, by the short cut, in the homeward direction.  Since
Monday night, we had eaten nothing, and were naturally ready
now for three meals in one; and yet were we destined to wait
a little longer, and condense into one, four repasts —like ancient
Persians when hunting. For, either not liking our appearance, or
vexed at our not having come earlier to breakfast, we were here
most pertinaciously refused any entertainment whatever, and
even peremptorily ordered away; and were, indeed, compelled
to put off for the nearest house, some eight miles firlther at the
ferry!
In about two hours we having again lost our way, and it
being very dark, my horse, now in the lead, suddenly halted;
when dismounting, I tried first with my feet, and then my
hands, and quickly had by these new senses a feeling sense of
our situation, viz., that we stood at the diverging point of two
paths running from one another at nearly a right angle!
" Well, what do you say-which shall we take?"
" Hem!-what do you say?  Don't it seem damp towards
the right V"
" I think it does-and maybe the river is that way.  Don't it
seem like rising ground towards the left, to you?"
"It does-let's try the left-we've had enough of thickets for
one day-hark! hark!"
"Bow-wow-wow! bow-wow " on the left.




294              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
" Sure enough! a dog towards the left! push a-head that
way."
The canine outcry was reduplicated and prolonged; and we
were soon rewarded for our sagacity in going to the left by
coming whack-up against a worm-fence! But groping our way
through this impediment, a light was soon discerned gleaming
through some crevice; and the noise of the dog then subsided
into an angry growl-which growl was again exchanged into a
bark, as we let out our hearty and door-penetrating " Hullow!"
This backwood's sonnet had soon the desired effect on the clapboard shutter; for it now creaked slowly open, and allowed to
issue from the cabin the following reply in a strong soprano, yet
vibratory from apprehension" Well-who be you? what's a wantin?"
"Strangers, ma'am, from the Big Meeting at Vincennes;
we've been lost all day in the Swamp below Stafford's-and
we're lost now. Will you be so kind as to let us stay the rest
of the night here?"
" Well, it's most powerful onconvenient-couldn't you a sort
a keep on to Fairplay-'taint more nor two miles no how, and
you'd git mighty good'comedashins thar?"
" Oh! ma'ar, we'd never find the way in the dark. Besides,
our horses are nearly given out; and we ourselves haven't
touched food for nearly two days  -"
"Well! now! if that aint amost too powerful hard likeI'm a poor lone woman body-but I can't let you go on-so
come in. But, strangers, you'll find things right down poor
here, and have to sleep on the floor, as'cos I've no more nor
two beds and them's all tuk up by me and the childurn. Howsever, thar's a corn heap over thar to feed your critturs; but
we're now teetotally out of meal;-and Bill's to start in the
morning for a grist-and I'm powerful sorry we've nothin to
eat  -"
" Oh! thank you, ma'an —never mind us-thank you-never
mind! If we get corn for our poor brutes, and shelter for ourselves that will do-thank you, ma'am-never mind!"
Having fed our jaded animals we entered the cabin, and de



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   295
positing our saddles and furniture in one corner, we sat down on
two rude stools, like solme modern ottomans in the city; being
so low as to force one's knees and chins into near proximity.
They had, indeed, no covering or cushion, unless such be considered the lone's woman's indescribable, lying on the one, and
Bill's tow-linen breeches on the other-articles we considerately,
however, removed for fear of soiling.
The next thing we did was to poke up the slumbering fire;
by the light of which we first cast rueful looks on one another,
and then some sideway glances around the apartment. In one
spot, stood a barrel with an empty bag of dim whiteness, hanging partly in and partly out, while across its top was laid a
kneading bowl, and in that a small washing machine;-the
barrel being manifestly the repository of meal, and the bag the
very affair Bill was to ride, in the morning, to mill.  Near us was
a shelf holding a few utensils for mush and milk, several tin
cups, a wooden bowl in need of scouring, and some calabashes;
a large calabash we had noticed outside the door, having a small
grape vine for a handle, and intended to represent a bucket for
water and other wet and dry uses. In a strap of deerskin
nailed under the shelf were stuck certain knives, some ornamented with buck-horn handles, one or two with corn-cob
handles, and one handleless; and interspersed judiciously in the
same strap were pincushions, scissors, comb, and a few other et
ceteras of a hoosiery toilette.
But the curiosities were " the two beds and all tuk up by the
mother and the childurn."  What the bedsteads were made out
of was not ascertained.  Ricketty they were, screeching, squirming, and wriggling at every slight motion of the sleeping household; but tough and seasoned too must they have been to bear
up under their respective loads, especially considering the way
some that night kicked under the covers, and occasionally over
them!
In one bed were the lone (?) woman and two children; and
in this I am confident, having counted three heads, and one with
a cap on. In the other were three or four bodies-Uncle John
insisted on, four — ut I onlycounted three heads at the bolster;




296               TIHE  NEW  PURCHASE.
yet Uncle John in his very last letter holds to it, that he saw
another head sticking out near the foot, and two or three legs
in such direction as could come only from a head in that latitude.  Strong presumptive evidence, granted; yet only presumptive, for a real backwoods' boy can twist himself all round;
besides the fleas that night made the bed loads twist their utmost, and legs and arms became so surprisingly commingled,
that no ordinary spectator could tell to what bodies they severally pertained.  And never were beds so " all tuk up," nor so
wonderfully slept all over, till'by daylight the whole of their
sleep must have been fully extracted; and hence, it was plain
enough there was no room for Uncle John or me in either bed;
and that if we wanted any sleep we must get it out of the puncheons.  We spread, therefore, our horse-blankets each on a
puncheon, our separating line being an interstice of three inches;
and, transforming saddle-bags into pillows, we essayed to sleep
away our weariness and hunger.  But the "sweet restorer's"
balmy influences were all confined that night, to the two regular beds; and that among other causes owing to a motherly
she-swine with a litter of ever so many pigs, and some other
bristled gentry in the basement, whence ascended an overpowering dry hickory nut fragrlance, and endless variations of grunt,
squeak, and shuffle-and in all likelihood the oceans of fleas
disturbing us! If not thence, I leave it to such critics to ascertain, who delight in saying and finding smart things.
Upon the whole it was not, then, so odd that about an hour
before dawn, we made ready to set out in search of Fairplay.
And of course our preparations awaked the lone woman; when
the " cap," already named, being elevated above the sleeping
line of the other heads, and also several capless pates of dirty
matted  hair-gender indeterminate-being also raised  and
thrust forth in the other bed, we thus held our farewell colloquy:
"Well, my good friend, we thank you kindly for your hospitality, and we are about starting now-what shall we pay
you?"
" Laws! bless you, stranger! how you talk!-why do y'




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   297
allow I'd axe people what's lost anything?-and for such'comedashins."
" Oh! ma'am-but we put you to trouble-"
" Trouble!-I don't mind trouble now no how-I've had too
big a share on it to mind it any more almost-"
" Why, ma'am, you've been very kind-and we really can't
go away till we pay. you something-"
" Stranger!-I sees you wants to do what's right-but you
needn't take out that puss-I'll have to be a most powerful
heap poorer nor I'm now, afore I'll take anything for sich a
poor shelter to feller ciitturs what's lost-and them  a cornin
from meetin too! Aint that oldermost stranger a kinder sort a
preacher?"
" No, my friend, I'm only a member-"' Well-I couldn't axe meetin folks nothin for the best. I'm
right glad you didn't take the right hand trail below our fence,
you'd a got into the swamp agin.  Now jist mind when you
come to a big sugar what blow'd down by the harricane, and
take the left, and that will git you clear of the bio-and then
keep rite strate on forrerd and you'll soon git to Fairplay."
Farewells were then cordially exchanged, and we left the
poor lone woman with emotions of pity, gratitude, and admiration; and we thought too of "the cup of cold water" —"the
two mites"  of " one half the world knows not how the other
lives"  and "man wants but little here below"-and of all
similar sacred and secular sayings, till we came to the prostrate
sugar-tree.  There we made a judicious digression to avoid
miring and suffocating in the morass, and then shortly after
dismounted safe and sound, but frightfully hungry, at Fairplay.
And here we rest awhile to devour two breakfasts and repair, if possible, the loss of dinner and supper*    *      Breakfast among the Stars.     *    *
*^    *       *       *       *  
13^




298               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"Landlord! our horses, if you please."
"They're at the door-they look a right smart chance wusted
-but maybe they'll take you home-wish you a pleasant journey and no more scrapes."
The landlord's wishes were not disappointed, for in due time
we were snug at home.
CHAPTER XLI.
"This man's brow, like to a title leaf,
Foretells the nature of a tragic volume."
CHRISTMAS was now approaching; and all Glenville that remained was expected to spend the holiday at Woodville.
But night drew near; and after an entire afternoon passed in
expectation and affirmations, thus-" Well, they will be here in
a few minutes, now!"-and after repeated visits to our observatory in the attic, we had concluded that, beyond all doubt,
within a half-hour the cavalcade would arrive. But, that halfhour elapsed, and no friends came! and then another! and still
another! and even then no friends! It was then so very much
later than our old folks had been wont to come, that we all sat
now in the gloom of disappointment around the parlour, uneasy,
and with forebodings of evil-when the clatter of a horse
moving rapidly over the frozen earth called us in haste to the
door; upon opening which, John Glenville was seen dismounting, who immediately entered and with a countenance of deep
distress" Why, dear John! what is the matter?"
" Melancholy enough! poor Uncle has fallen and broken his
thigh! I've come over for Sylvan, and must go back with him
instantly. I left word for him to be ready in fifteen minutes."
*        x-      *        *        *        4a.
Ah! dear reader! if one's happiness is wholly from  the
earth, what shall we do when that happiness is so marred?




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   299
Our joy became instant mourning-our pleasant apartment,
cheerless-our dainty food, tasteless-our music, the voice of
lamentation!
Dear old kind-hearted man! after all the sore disappointments of a long life, is this sad affliction added to your sorrows,
and pains, and many bodily injuries! Again, in old age, must
you lie in that dark forest in the anguish of broken limbs!again separated from many that so love you! What a Christmas eve for you! how different from those passed in our days
of prosperity!
For myself, when recalling the incidents of our late journey
-our harmless pleasantries-our solemn and serious conversations-his hoary head on the floor of the lone woman's cabinhis patience, hilarity, and noble heart-and thought of him refused a night's lodging, who had sheltered and fed so many
strangers, and of him turned, weary, hungry and sick into a western wilderness at night-and now that gray head on a pillow
of anguish! that pleasant face changed by pain! that often
broken body again crushed and mangled    But, let us change
the subject.
Our friends had purposed leaving home early on the morning of the 24th, but an unforeseen business having called away
John Glenville, the expedition was postponed a few hours. Yet
when he came not at the hour, it was then concluded that the
old folks should set out by themselves, with the belief that Mr.
Glenville could easily overtake them on the road. To prepare
the horses, Mr. Seymour descended a small hill to the stable,
whilst Aunt Kitty remained in the cabin to arrange a few small
matters previous to the starting. But as her brother was absent a full quarter of an hour beyond what seemed necessary,
she stepped to the cabin door, and with the slightest possible
impatience-when, to her amazement, she heard a faint voice
calling on her for help, and the groans of one as in great bodily
pain! She flew in alarm down the hill-and at the stable-door
lay Uncle John, his leg broken off at the head of the thigh-bone,
himself in an agony of pain, and in danger of perishing even
from cold, without a speedy removal! His horse had proved




300              TIIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
restive on being led from  the stable, and in a consequent
struggle Mr. S. slipping on some ice had fallen and received
the hurt.
Aunt Kitty quickly decided on her plan.  She brought from
the cabin the buffalo robe bestowed by the Osage war-chief, and
spreading it near her wounded brother, she managed, weak and
unaided, to get him, a large and heavy man, fairly into the middle of the robe.  Staying, then, her tears, and raising her heart
to God for fortitude and strength, she began to drag her mournful load towards the cabin.  But she soon found herself too
weak for the task, and in despair, looked around —when, on her
way home, and, by an uuzsual path near our cabin, passed now
that very woman commemorated elsewhere in this work, for a
novel appearance in cow-hunting! Catching a glimpse of this
woman, Aunt Kitty cried out for assistance; and the kindhearted neighbour was almost instantly at her side, and adding
a strength superior to that of a dozen pretty ladies, she soon,
with Aunt Kitty's aid, had our wounded relative hauled to the
cabin-door.  Here, with great difficulty and labour on their part,
and pain on his, the sufferer was partly lifted and partly dragged
up and over the steps and sill, and finally laid on a low bed,
prepared for his reception.
TAMrs. Littleton now examined her brother's wound, and, with
the help of her humble friend, she forced the leg into something
like a natural position, and then splintered and bandaged it, to
the best of her ability.  In a few minutes after this, John Glenville entered the cabin, who, on learning the mournful accident,
instantly remounted and hurried to Woodville.
Dr. Sylvan was, unfortunately, not at home, and we obtained
only one of his students; when Glenville, having refreshed himself a few moments with us, was, attended by the pupil, quickly
replunged into the cold and darkness of a now tempestuous
night and howling wilderness! They reached the cabin a short
time before day-break: but the embryo surgeon, without adding or taking from, deemed it best to let all the bandages remain as Aunt Kitty had bound them!  And so poor Uncle
JoIhn. after lying on his bed for seventy wearisome days and




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                     301
nights, rose again to life and health-yet not to his former shape
and activity; for the leg had shrunk in the knitting of the bone,
and his right side was two inches shorter than before the accident.
And yet, reader, so youthful and buoyant the spirit of this
noble old gentleman, that he and I hunted often together after
his recovery-he walking with a crutch in one hand, and a heavy
rifle in the other! But so gloomy had become the cabin-life to
the old folks, where death might easily occur from  the absence of ordinary help, and where, perhaps, Uncle John's deformity might have been lessened by prompt medical aid, that
our tannery was sold, and our relatives removed to Woodville.
iMr. Glenville, however, chose a new site for a store several
miles from  the old settlement, which then, as to us, ceased to
be-save that sacred spot reserved in the sale, and where rest,
far from  us, scattered as we are, and ever in this life shall be,
the ashes of the mother!
Once, and but once, subsequent to this desertion, did I pass
along a new road laid through that settlement, and between the
two cabins.  Around, for many acres, the forest was no more.;
but corn and wheat were ripening in its place.  A new brick
house stood in our garden; and the cabin was changed into a
stable.  And yet, while all the changes were for the better, and
a most joyous evening was smiling on the coming harvest-I
sat on my horse, and had one of my girlish fits of tears!
Yes!-I cried like Homer's heroes-and that in spite of the
critic who, running over the book to make an article, will say,
"the author, tender-hearted soul, cries again towards the close
of year the third."  Yes!-  cried!  And since that summer's
evening, I have 2never seen my first forest-home; for I purposely
ever after, avoided the hateful new road through it, and that,
too, by the Indian grave.




302              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER XLII.
FOURTH YEAR.
" Sit mihi fas audita loqui."
"It is the witness still of excellency
To put a stcrenger face on his own perfection."
OUR fourth year introduces an epoch, the Augustan age of
the New Purchase-the opening of the State College!
And now comes on the stage, as one principal actor, my
friend, the Reverend Charles Clarence, A.M., Principal and Professor of Ancient Languages. This gentleman had accepted our
appointment, not for the paltry stipend paid as his salary, but
wholly because he longed to be in the romantic West, and
among its earliest literary pioneers; and hence, early this
spring, he was with us, and not merely ready, but even enthusiastically impatient to commence his labours.
His wife was with him-the woman of his seven years' love!
They had tasted, however, the wormwood of affliction's cup,
and even now wore the badges of recent bereavements.  Mr.
Clarence, leaving his wife and two little children, went to the
south again on business; and after an absence of four months,
on returning to his boarding-house in Philadelphia, he was surprised at hearing and seeing no signs of his babes. His wife,
instead of answering in words his eager questions, suddenly
threw her arms about his neck, and bursting into an agony of
tears, exclaimed-" Both are dead! —come into our room-I'll
tell you all!"
Here was a sad waking from  day-dreaming! and Clarence
was with us, having altered views of life, and seeing that we
have something to do in it, besides to amuse or be amused.
Happy chastisement our friend afterwards deemed it, when en



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    303
countering sore disappointments and many, in his professional
career: ay! he was destined to endure the utter crushing of all
his high hopes and purposes.  For, if ever man was influenced
by disinterested motives, and fired with enthusiasm for advancing solid learning-if ever one desirous of seeing western institutions rival, if not excel, others-if ever a person came willing to live and die with us, and to sacrifice eastern tastes and
prejudices, and become, in every proper way, a Western Man,
my friend Clarence was he.
Much more could we say, if the modesty of my friend permitted; but he affirms positively that he will not edit the book
if I do not stop here.
Be it remembered, that Uncle Sam is an undoubted friend of
public education, and that, although so sadly deficient in his own;
and hence, in the liberal distribution of other folks' land, he bestowed on us several entire townships for a college or university.
It was, therefore, democratically believed, and loudly insisted
on, that as the State had freely received, it should freely give;
and that "larnin, even the most powerfullest highest larnin,"
should at once be bestowed on every body! and without a
farthing's expense! Indeed, some gravely said and argued that
teachers and professors in the " people's college ought to sarve
for the honour!" or at least be content with "a dollar a day,
which was more nor double what a feller got for mauling rails!"
The popular wrath, therefore, was at once excited almost to
fury when necessity compelled us to fix our tuition fee at ten
dollars a year; and the greatest indignation was felt and expressed towards Clarence " as the feller what tuk hire for teaching and preaching, and was gettin to be a big-bug on the poor
people's edicashin money."
Be it recollected too, that both big and little colleges were
erected by persons who, with reverence be it spoken, in all matters pertaining to "high larnin," had not sufficient discrimination to know the second letter of an alphabet from a buffalo's
foot.  Nothing, we incline to believe, can ever make State
schools and colleges very good ones; but nothing can make
them so bad, we repeat, as for Uncle Sam to leave every point




304              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
open to debate, especially among ignorant, prejudiced, and
selfish folks in a New Purchase.  For while trustees may be
ninnies, nincompoops, or even ninnyhammers as to proper plans
and buildings, yet are such when masons, bricklayers and carpenters, keen-sighted enough to secure the building contracts for
themselves and their fiiends, and curiously exorbitant in their
demands on the sub-treasurer's for their silly work. The meanlooking and ridiculous arrangements at Woodville cost as much,
perhaps more, than suitable things would have cost; so that
when a college is to be commenced, it ought to be done, not
only by honest but by wise, learned, classical men; but as such
are not abundant in very new settlements, let such men at
Washington-and such are at Uncle Sam's bureau-let them
prescribe when, and how, and where, our new western institutions are to be; and if rebellious democrats refuse the gift
so encumbered, let it be-given to more modest and quiet
democrats.
Proceed we, however, to open the college. And my narration
may be depended on, as Clarence has reviewed the whole and
says it is substantially correct,-indeed; in some respect I was a
quorum-pars. 
The institution was opened the first day of May, at 91
o'clock, A. M., anno Domini 1800, and so forth. And, some
floors being unlaid, and the sashes all being without glass, the
opening was as complete as possible-nearly like that of an
Irish hedge school! When the Principal-so named in our
minutes and papers, but by the vulgar called master, and by the
middle sort, teacher-appeared, a clever sprinkle of boy was in
waiting; most of which firmly believed that, by some magic
art, our hero could, and being paid by government, should, and
without putting any body to the expense of books and implements, touch and transmute all, and in less than no time, into
great scholars.
"Boys and young gentlemen," said Mr. C. compounding the
styles of a pedagogue and professor, "I am happy to see you;
and we are now about to commence our State College, or, as
some call it, the Seminary. I hope all feel what an honour at



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   305
tends being the first students in an institution so well endowed;
and which, therefore, by proper exertions on our parts, may
eventually rise to the level of eastern colleges, and become
a blessing to our State and country.  You have all, I suppose, procured  the necessary books, of which notice was
given at meeting, and in several other ways, for the last four
weeks."
"I've got'em —"
" Me too-"
"I've brung most on'em-"
"Master-Uncle Billy's to fetch mine out in his wagin about
Monday next-"
" Father says he couldn't mind the names and wants them on
a paper-"' Books!-I never heern tell of any books-wont these here
ones do, Master —this here's the Western Spellin one-and
this one's the Western Kalkelatur 2"
" Mr. Clarinse-I fotch'd my copy-book and a bottle of red
ink to sit down siferin in-and daddy wants me to larn bookkeepin and surveying."
" Order boys-order!"-hem!-" let all take seats in front.
There is a misunderstanding with some, both as to the books
and the whole design and plan of the school, I perceive. This
is a Classical and Mathematical School; and that fact is stated
and fully explained in the trustees' public advertisements; and
no person can be admitted unless one intending to enter upon
and pursue the prescribed course; and that includes even at the
start Latin, Greek, and Algebra.  Now, first, let us see who are
to study the dead languages  "
"I do-I do-me too-me too," etc., etc.
"Do you, then sit there.  Well-now let me have your
names for the roll-A. Berry-S. Smith-C. D., etc., etc.-ten
names-I will attend to you ten directly, so soon as I have dismissed the others.  I regret, my young friends, that you are
disappointed-but I am  only doing my duty; indeed, if I
wished, I have no power to admit you, unless to the course of
studies-nay, even the trustees have power to do only what




306              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
they have done. I hope, therefore, you will now go home, and
explain the matter to your friends  "
By several"Daddy says he doesn't see no sort a use in the high larn'd
things —and he wants me to larn Inglish only, and book-keepin,
and surveying, so as to tend store and run a line."
" I allow, Mister, we've near on about as good a right to be
larn'd what we wants, as them tother fellers on that bench;it's a free school for all."
" I am sorry, boys, for this misunderstanding; but we cannot
argue the subject here. And yet every one must see one matter
plainly; for instance, any man has a right to be governor, or
judge or congressman; yet none of you can be elected before
the legal age, and before having some other qualifications.  It is
so here, you all have a right to what we have to bestow; but
you must be'qualified' to enter; and must be content to receive the gift of the State in the way the law provides and
orders. You will please go home now."
The disappointed youngsters accordingly withdrew; and with
no greater rudeness than was to be expected from undisciplined
chaps, full of false notions of rights, and possessed by a wild
spirit of independence.  Hence, Mr. C. heard some very flattering sentiments growled at him by the retiring young democrats; but which, when they had fairly reached the entry, were
bawled and shouted out frankly and fearlessly.  And naturally
after this he was honoured with some high sounding epithets by
certain hypocritical demagogues in rabblerousing speechessneaking gentlemen, who aimed to get office and power by endless slanders on the college, and most pitiful and malicious slang
about " liberty and equality, and rights and tyranny, and bigbugs, and poor people, and popular education," and the like.
Certain small-potatoe-patriots publicly on the stump avowed
"it was a right smart chance better to have no college no how,
if all folks hadn't equal right to larn what they most liked best."
And two second-rate pettifoggers electioneered on this principle;
" that it was most consistent with the republicanism taught by
the immortal Jefferson, and with the genius of our institutions,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   307
to use the college funds to establish common schools for rich
and poor alike, and make the blessings of education like air, sunshine, and water!"
Clarence, therefore, was now hated and villified as'the supposed instrument of pride and aristocracy, in drawing a line
between rich and poor; and for a while his person, his family,
his very house was abominated.  On one occasion he was in
Woodville when a half-drunken brute thus halloed against him" thare goes that high larn'd bug what gits nine hundred and
ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents of the people's eddekashin money for larnin ristekrats' sons high-flown words-girmme
that'are stone and I'll do for him."  Whether this was fun or
earnest, Clarence did not care to ascertain; for hearing the
sneers and derision of the bystanders, and fearing it might become earnest, he took shelter in my store.
At another time walking with Professor Harwood in the outskirts of the village, they heard a cry in their rear-" knock'em
down"-when suddenly turning, there stood a stout chap flourishing a bludgeon over their heads, evidently, indeed, in a sort
of fun, but which was, however, an index of the popular ill-will
and spite.
When persons rode by his dwelling, remarks like the following would be shouted forth:" Well-thar's whar the grammur man lives that larns'em
Latin and grand-like things-allow  we'll oust him  yet-he
dosen't own little college any how; he's poor as Job's turkey,
if it want for that powerful sallury the trustees give him.';
Clarence's salary was four hundred dollars per annum.
" Well," bawled out one fellow —  dog my hide if that ain't
the furst time I ever seed that big man's door open!-hem!powerful fine carpet!-(a beautiful rag carpet made by Mrs.
C.)-allow people's eddekashin money bought that!"
Even Mr. C.'s gratuitous preaching could not secure him
from ill-natured remarks.  " Well," said an occasional hearer to
another, once-" how do y'like that sort a preachin?"  " Foo!"
was the reply, " I don't want no more sich! I like a man that
kin jist read, and then I know it comes from the sperit! he tuk




308              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
out his goold watch twice to show it, and was so d    d proud
he wouldn't kneel down to pray!"
But the reader may wish to know how Mr. Clarence got along
with " the Few."  Well, as the warm weather approached, the
" boys and young gentlemen" came to recitation without coats;
and, as the thermometer arose, they came without shoes 
"What! in the State college 2  Could your Mr. Clarence not
have things ordered with more decency V"
Softly, Mr. Dignity-in a world where our presiding judge,
a man of worth and great abilities, sat in court without his coat
and cravat, and with his feet modestly reposed on the upper
rostrum, thus showing his boot-soles to by-standers and lawyers; where lawyers were stripped and in shirt-sleeves; and
where even Governor Sunbeam, in a stump speech, gave blast
to his nose pinched between a thumb and finger, and wiped
said pinchers afterwards on the hinder regions of his inexpressibles; do you, sir, think our Mr. C., or all eastern dignitaries
combined, could have compelled young bushwhackers to wear
coats and shoes in recitation rooms?  He indeed ventured once
as follows:"Young gentlemen" —(hem!)-" why do you attend recitations without coats and shoes."
"'Tis cooler, sir!" -     with surprise.
" Ay! so it is-perhaps it would be still cooler if you came
without your pantaloons."
Haw! haw!-by the whole ten.
" And did they, Mr. Carlton, come without their indispensables?"
Oh! dear me! no; on the contrary, the young gentlemen
were so tickled at our professor's pleasant hint direct, that next
day they not only came in their breeches, but also with shoes
and coats on!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    309
CHAPTER  XLIII.
"This is some fellow
Who, having been praised for bluntness, doth affect
A saucy roughness."
"What would you have, you curs?"
THE nature of our favourite doctrine-the sovereignty of the
people-is but imperfectly understood from theory; and, truly,
what importance to the vast majority to be called kings, unless
opportunities are afforded to exercise the royal prerogatives?
True, in the constitutions of the twenty-six States, are paper
models of republican governments, the purest in nature; such
as the monarchical-republic, the oligarchic, the aristocratic, the
federal, the democratic, ay, the cheatitive or repudiative, the
despotic, the mobocratic, the anarchic: but what of all this, if
the citizen kings cannot be indulged in a little visible, tangible,
audible, law-making, law-judging and law-executing?
Now, in the New Purchase, the people universal, the people
general, the people special, of every county, town and village,
of every sect, religious and irreligious, of every party, political,
impolitical, and non-political, were indulged in bona fide acts of
real rity-dity sovereignty. The fact is, we did nothing else than
rule one another; and none ever even obeyed for fear of disobeying; and hence our public servants-and we kept them sweating
-being distracted by opposite instructions from different constituents-for candidates with us only carried up votes, wishes,
tc.-from Thomas and Richard and Henry and Squire Rag and
Major Tagg and Mister Bobtail, and being imperiously ordered
to rob Peter to pay Paul, our public servants, poor knaves and
honest rascals, would not obey, simply out of reverence and for
fear of offending and hurting our feelings!
Here follows a specimen of the people ruling the college and
the college ruling the people.




310              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
We, the people of the Trustees, for the good of the people
general, did resolve this autumn to elect a Professor of Mathematics and advertised accordingly. This of itself enraged the
people who set no value on learning, and deemed one small
salary a waste of the poor people's education money; but when
rumour declared we intended to elect a man nominally a Rat(nickname for a religious sect in the Purchase, and Mr. Clarence
being also a Rat)-the wrath was roused of the people, religious and irreligious, of all other sects. This, indeed, was
confined to Woodville; for from the very first, we; the people
of Woodville and thereabouts, did kindly adopt the State College as ours; and we, therefore, claimed the sole right of
superintending the Legislature, the Board of Visitors, the Board
of Trustees, the Faculty, proper and improper, the Students,
foreign and domestic, the Funds, the Buildings-the everything; and for some time we ordered and regulated, and turned
in and out most despotically.
Well, the people having united the peoples in a fixed purpose, viz.-to keep out a Rat, but not having united them in
any purpose of putting in anybody else, the people, now sovereign and of many kings, held a meeting up town in the courthouse yard; while we, the trustee-people and sovereigns of
another sort, were holding our meeting to elect a professor in
the prayer-hall of Big College; and then the People's-people,
formed under the command of Brigadier Major General Jacobus,
Esq., Clerk of Court, Chief Librarian of Woodville Library,
and Deputy Post Master under his late Majesty, General
Andrew Jackson, marched down in a formidable battalion to
give us our orders.
This grand dignitary of so many tails, just named, was most
fit head to the fit body he conducted. He was no inconsiderable a people himself, being very fat and very saucy; nay, as in
warm weather he always appeared without coat, vest, cravat,
and usually with slouched hat, shoes down at heel on stockingless feet, and one " gallus" hard strained to keep up his greasy
and raggy breeches; and as in this costume he strutted everywhere full of swagger and brag, he was then, the best living and




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   311
embodied personification of a mistaken, conceited, meddlesome,
pragmatical people anywhere to be found. He flourished in
that grand era, rotation in office; but by him it was interpreted
a rotation out of one public office into another-yea! even now
he actually sustained at once seven salaried offices little and big
-yea! moreover to these seven tails he added and very commonly exhibited another-the tail of his shirt!  Now, one may
conceive how our great father of one or more terms looks; one
can even imagine how Uncle Sam looks; but who forms approximating conceptions of that proteus sovereign-the People!
Believe me, his rowdy majesty, General Jacobus, is as near a
likeness, in many essential respects, as can be obtained-but
this is digression.
Our honourable Trustees were, as usual, sitting with open
doors, and hence were, as heretofore, accommodated with numerous lobby members; and these kept muttering discontent at
our doings, and often volunteered remarks in a play-house whisper for our correction and guidance. Dr. Sylvan, however,
who anticipated a storm, had contrived to put the vote for Mr.
Harwood's election, a little prior to the first faint noise of the
coming cataract of turbid waters, and had succeeded in securing
this gentleman's unanimous choice-when a considerable hurrahing outside announced the People's-people-and in a moment
after, in swaggered his greasy royalty, General Jacobus, followed by as much of the ultimate sovereignty as could squeeze
into the room. And then King Slouch commenced as follows:
"Mr. President and gentlemen of the Board!-hem!-I
have the honour to be the orgun of the people-hem!-and by
their orders I've come in here, to forbid the election of Mr.
Harwood of Kaintucky, as our Professur of Mathematucshem!-in the people's collidge-he-e-em! You'r all servunts
of the people and hain't the right no how to give away their
edicashion money without thar consent-I say-hem! —as all is
not admitted to these here halls of science  he-e-em! And the
people in the inbred, incohesive use of thar indefessibul native
rights, order me thar orgun to say they don't want two teachers
of the same religion no how-and I say it-and I say, Mr. Pre



312    -     THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
sident, they say it's better to have them of different creeds, and
I say that too-for they say they'll watch one another and not
turn the students to thar religion and-hem! Yes, the people
in their plenitude have met, and they say they don't want no
church and state-and I say it; for thar's a powerful heap of
danger to let one sect have all the power-and I call on this
board to let their historic recollections be-be-recollectedand wasn't thar John Calvin, the moment he got the power,
didn't he burn poor Mikul Servetis at the stake-and-and —
so ain't it plain if two men here git all the power thar's a beginning of church and state, as that immortal Jefferson says?
And who knows if you and me and the people here mayn't be
tortered and burn'd yet in a conflagaration of fagguts and fire?
Who then with this probability- "
Here Dr. Sylvan, our worthy President, interrupted the
speaker, the doctor being now only recovered from his surprise; for, veteran as he was in politics, and often as he had
known the people essay small overt acts of sovereignty, this
affair was no novel and so grandly impudent, that it took him
the first half of the harangue to collect himself, and the other
to concoct the following judicious compound of decision, sarcasm and blarney:
" It is with regret, General Jacobus and my respected fellowcitizens, I interrupt the eloquent utterance of sentiments so
patriotic and so well adapted to excite our disgust and horror
at a union of Church and State; but in the present case, I do
really believe the danger is not to be apprehended. In the first
place, we all know the liberal sentiments of Professor Clarence
towards all religious bodies; and in the second place, the gentleman just elected by us before the entrance of your honourable body and organ, is not known to be a member of any
communion; and lastly, we Trustees are of six different denominations ourselves, and therefore, as we put in we can also
put out, the instant danger is found to threaten the State from
our present course. And, fellow-citizens, we shall, I am confident, be quite Argus-eyed over our faculty-but at all events
we have gone too far to retrace our steps; for Mr. Harwood is




THE  NEW  PURCHASS,                   313
legally appointed, and for what we deemed good reasons. And
surely no American citizen in this glorious land of equal rights
and blood-bought liberties, where the meanest felon has a trial
by jury, will contend that an honourable and unoffending man
of another State-the noble old Kentucky-should be turned
out of office-and no accusation against his competency and
moral character?  Backwoodsmen don't ask that!-and they
don't think of it. Had this honourable representation come
fifteen minutes sooner, something might have been done or prevented-for we are indeed servants of the people-but Mr.
Harwood ought now to have time to show himself, and cannot
be degraded without an impeachment.  And who is ready to
impeach a Kentuckian because John Calvin or John Anybody
else burnt Servetus a hundred years ago? —and that, when it
is not even known whether Mr. Harwood himself might not
have been roasted in the days of persecution for some heresy
mathematical or religious!  Fellow-citizens, our meeting is
adjourned."
Our venerable Congress at Washington sometimes gets into
a row, and even breaks up in a riot. And why should it not
be so, when many conscript fathers have practised bullyism
from early life, and have only gone to the great conservative
assembly to do, on a large scale, dirty things often done before
on a small one?  Or why, on the other hand, if the reverend
young fathers there set us, the people, the example, should any
person affect to wonder that we sometimes imitate our lawgivers   Whether we, the New Purchase people, set or followed the example, need not be determined; but we certainly
adjourned to.day in a grand kick-up; which, if described, must
be in the pell-mell style of history.
At the word " adjourned," ending Doctor Sylvan's speech,
came a violent and simultaneous rush; some pushing towards
the door, to get out-some from without into the door, to get
in-and some towards the clerk's seat, to seize and destroy the
record: but that wary officer, at the same word just named,
had quietly slipped the sacred record into his breeches' pocket,
the minutes being only recorded with a lead pencil on a quarter
14




314               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
sheet of cap paper.  Then commenced a hell-a-below, loud
enough at first, but which, like a Latin Inceptive, still went on
and tended to perfection; being an explosion commingled of
growl, curse, hurrah, hiss, stamp, and clap; and then and there
and all through the "mass meeting," were Brigadier Major
General Jacobus, and our people and the people's people and
other people, all huddled and crowded and mixed, and all and
every one and each were and was explaining, demanding, denying, do-telling, and wanting to know, somewhat thus:
"Hurrah for Harwood! -rot him  and Clarinse too-ain't
the money our'n, that's what I want to know?  I say, Doctor,
remember next'lection!-that's the pint-you lie, by the lord
Harry!-let me out, blast your eyes!-it aint-it'tis-let us
in, won't you?-do tell-General Jacobus ought to have his
nose pulled-he didn't burn him-don't tell me-pull it if you
dare-he burnt hisself-go to the devil-no patchin' to himpowerful quick on the trigger-Calvin-get up petition to legislature-rats-didn't I say we ought to. get down sooner?faggots-Harwood aint-gunpowder-darn'd clever fellowServetus-hurrah for hic hcec hoc!  let's out-give'em more
money-let's in-is the board to be forced?-get out o' my
way-fair trial don't blast-answer that-I know better —'taint-'tis-hold your jaw-whoo! —shoo!-hiss-hinyowbowwow —rumble —grumble —Sylvan —-Clarinse-JacobusIlarwood, Servetus"-etc., etc., and away rolled majesty, till
the noise in the distance was like the grum mutter of retiring
thunder!
"How awful yonder emerged He-Duck,
As he pond'rous rolls in mighty waddle,
From the deep shallows come of Tadpole Pond
Frog-spewed and muddy!"




TIIE NEW  PURCHASE.                    315
CHAPTER XLIV.
"We still have slept together,
Bose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together."
*    *    *    *    *    *    *
"      - -.are not these woods
More free from peril than the envious court?"
READER!
" Well, what now  "
Will you go with us?  Come, surely Tippecanoe will arouse
you" But, Mr. Carlton, only think of the mud."
Yes, dear reader, but only think of the girls.
" Girls!"Yes, and very pretty and intelligent ones too-real lady
Hoosierinas"Are you in earnest?  Who are they?"
The young ladies of Miss Emily Glenville's Woodville Female Institute.
"Oh!-aye!-I had forgot your school-what then?"
Why, it is our vacation, and myself with one or two other
gentlemen are going to escort the girls home. Seven of the
pupils belong to wealthy and respectable families in the north,
and one or two live very near to Tippecanoe.
" Heigho — out of compliment to the ladies we go; but how
long will you be yet?"
Oh, we shall get through after a while.  "No lane," you
know, etc. Of course, then, you consent.
Well, our party consisted of eleven persons-the seven girls,
the father and brother of one girl, and myself and young Mr.
Frank, of Woodville, who, like myself, wished to see the world.
To carry us were precisely ten horses and a half; the fractional
creature being a dwarf pony, an article or noun, which young
B     k, the brother, rode, like a velocipede, and which, by




316               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
pressing the toes of boots against hard and hilly places in the
path, could be aided by pushing.  And thus, also, the rider
could a sorter stand and go, like wheels in motion, at once; and
all that would greatly relieve the tedium of monotonous riding.
The special use of the pony was manifested in fording mudholes, quicksands, quagmires, marshes, high waters, and the
like. In vain did the rider pull up his limbs; in vain shrink
away up towards the centre of his saddle-up followed the
cream-coloured mud in beech swamps, the black mud and water
in bayous, the black mud itself in walnut and sugar lands, or
the muddy water in turbid creeks and rivers, while the rider
became deeply interested in the circulating medium.
How I do wish you could have seen us set out! Dear, oh
dear! the scampering, and tearing, and winnowing, and kicking
up, and cocking of ears, as the quadrupeds were " being" rid up
to the rack! and then the clapping on of horse-blankets and
saddles-male and female-croopers, and circingles and bridles,
-double and single!-What a drawing of girths! What a
fixing, and unfixing and refixing of saddle-bags! What a
hanging of "'fixins" themselves, done up in red handkerchiefs,
on the horns of the gentler sex saddles! And then the girlslike the barbarians in Caesar's Commentaries in one battle-they
seemed to be every where at once-up stairs, down stairs, on
the stairs, in the closet under the stairs! They were in the
house, out of the house, in the yard, at the door, by the horses!
And oh, how they did ask questions and get answers. " Where's
my shawl?"   Is this it "  "Did nobody see my basket?"
"I didn't."  "Who's got my album?"  "Mr. Frank."  "Will
some body fasten my fixens?"  "He ain't here."  "Won't
nobody carry this?" and so on through all the bodies.
The animals were now all harnessed; the bustle had subsided, and all had come to that silent state when no more questions can be asked, but all are waiting for some one to begin
the-farewell.  And then came that sad word, amid gushing
tears-'mid sobs and kisses-for with some " the schooling" was
finished: and " who could tell whether ever more should meet"
those sprightly, happy, sweet companions!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   317
But soon followed the uproar of mounting; and with that
seemed to pass all sorrow; and yet so painful had been the
last few moments, that an excuse was needed for saying and
doing something lively. Of course we all said a great many
smart things, or what passed for such, in the way of compliment, raillery and repartee; and we guessed, and reckoned,
and allowed, and foretold the most contrary matters about the
weather, and the roads, and the waters, and even about our
fates through the whole of our coming lives. In the meanwhile
horse after horse was paraded towards the block, each receiving
extra jerks, and some handsome slaps and kicks on the off
flank, to make him wheel into position; when next moment
away he scampered with a side-way-rider, in trot, shuffle, pace,
or canter, according to his fancy, till all the lady riders were on
the saddles, and then Mr. B    k, Sen., and myself riding in
advance, he shouted, "Come on, girls-we're off."
And off it was-amidst the giggling of girls, and the laughter
of neighbours, nodding good-byes with their heads, or shaking
them out of handkerchiefs, from doors and windows; and also
the boisterous farewells of some two dozen folks that had helped
us fix. Off it was, some at a hard trot, some at a round gallop, and others at a soft pace or shuffle, the animals snorting,
squealing, and winnowing-sometimes six abreast, sometimes
two, sometimes all huddled like a militia cavalry training; and
then all in Indian file, one by one, with yards of space between
us! Oh! the squeezing of lower limbs against horse-quarters!-the kicking and splattering of mud!-the streaming forth
of ill-secured kerchiefs and capes! Oh, the screeching! shouting! laughing! shaking! What flapping of saddle-skirts! What
walloping of saddle-bags! Away with stages!-steamers!cars!  Give me a horse and the life, activity and health of
Hoosiers and Hoosierinas let loose all at once in the whirligig
storm and fury of that morning's starting!
We soon degenerated into a slow trot, and finally into a fast
walk, with episodial riding to scare a flock of wild turkeys, or
add wings to the flight of a deer; till we all became, at last, so
shaken down and settled in our saddles, as to seem each a com



318               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
pound of man (I  homo) and horse.  Yet, for hours we kept
up talk of all kinds.  Yea! we halloed-we quizzed-we
laughed! We talked seriously too-for no one rides through
oar grand woods any more than he sails forth on the grand
waters, and feels not solemn! And we even talked religiouslymore so than some readers would care to hear! Lively, indeed, we were-but God even then was in our thoughts; and
some of that happy company were then, and are yet, ornaments
of the Christian world-some are in heaven! Yes, then as
now, we often passed, as is the case with the joyous, the frankhearted, the middle class, and, in an instant, from  laughter to
tears.
No halt was made for dinner: it was handed round on horseback. A piece, or half a piece of ham, boxed neatly between
two boards of corn-bread, and held delicately-as possiblebetween the linger and thumb of an attendant, was thus presented for acceptance.  Yet not always was it easy to take the
proffered dainties; since often the horse, out of sheer affectation, or because of a sly kick or switch from an unseen quarter,
would, at the instant of captation, jump aside, or leap forward,
and verify the proverb-" many a slip between the cup and the
lip."
Towards evening it was heard that Slippery River was falling, but could not yet be forded; and hence it was determined
to stay all night in a cabin several miles this side, in expectation of our being able to ford in the morning.  We were, of
course, received by our friends with' open hearts, and entertained in the most approved backwoods' style-the only awkwardness being, that beds could be furnished but for four of our
party.  As some, therefore, must sleep on the floor, it was
unanimously voted that all should share alike in the hardship
and frolic of a puncheon's night's rest; and hence, in due season, all hands were piped to convert our supper-room into a
grand bed-chamber.  And first, the floor was swept; secondly,
our blankets were spread on it; thirdly, over these horse-cloths,
was put a good rag-carpet; and, lastly, in a line were ranged
saddle-bags. and valises, interspersed with other bolsters and




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    31'
pillows, stuffed with feathers and rags; and then, the fire being
secured, we all began to undress
"Oh! goodness! Mr. Carlton!-girls! and all 2"
Girls and all, my dear.
"I vow then, I will never marry and go to a New Purchase! But did the ladies really divest-hem!-before-thethe    "
Oh! that I cannot say.  Western gentlemen never peep:
but our order of "reelinature," as Doctor Hexagon would doubtless say, was as follows: Mr. B  k, Sen., reclined first, having
on his outside next the door, his son, and on the inside, his
daughter; then the other girls, one after another, till all were
finished; then his modesty, Mr. C., who, having a wife at home,
was called, by courtesy to suit the occasion, an old man; and
then, outside him, and next the other door, young Mr. Frank
" I never!-no-I never did!'
-     and then after a little nearly inaudible whispering, bursting at short intervals into very audible giggles, the hush of the
dark wilderness came upon us-and-an —a*      -* M      *        *        *        *
Hey! —oh! —ah!-I beg pardon-I think we must have
been asleep!
After breakfast our friend Mr. B       k, Sen., offered an
earnest prayer, in which thanks were returned for past mercies
and favours, and supplication made for protection during the
prospective perils of the day; and in an hour after we w(rc'
within sight, and hearing too, of the sullen and angry flood.
The waters had, indeed, fallen in a good degree, and theey
were still decreasing, yet no person, a stranger to the We:t,
could have looked on that foaming and eddying river leaping
impetuous over the rocky bed, and have heard the echoes of its
many thunders calling from cliff to cliff, and from one dark
cavern to another in the forest arching over the water-no inexperienced traveller, all sign of hoof and wheel leading to the




320               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
ford obliterated, could have supposed that our party, and mostly
very young girls, were seriously preparing to cross that stream
on our horses! But either that must be, or our path be retraced; and sobered, therefore, although not intimidated, we
made ready for the perilous task. The older and more resolute girls were seated on the sure-footed horses; and all their
dresses were properly arranged, and all loose cloaks and clothes
carefully tied up, that, in case of accident, nothing might entangle the hands or feet. Several little girls were to be seated
behind the gentlemen, while a loose horse or two was left to
follow.  We gentlemen riders were also to ride between two
young ladies, to aid in keeping their horses right, to seize a
rein on emergencies, and to encourage the ladies, in case they
showed any symptoms of alarm.
Things ready, we all rode boldly to the water's edge; where
a halt was called, till Mr. B  k and Mr. C. should go foremost and try the ford.  And now, dear reader, it may be easy
to ford Slippery River in this book, and maybe Mr. C. has contrived to seem courageous like-but that morning, at first sight
of that ugly water, he did secretly wish it had been bridged, and
feel-that is-wished all safe over; and possibly had he been
favoured with a few moments' more reflection, he might have
been rather scared-yet just then, souse went Mr. B. up to his
saddle-skirts, seeming a man on a saddle with a tail streaming
out horizontally, and then came his voice thus:
" Come on, Carlton!-come on!"
"Ay! ay! sir —I'm  in-souse-splash!  Oho! the water's
in my boots!"
" Hold up your legs!-why don't you?"
"Forgot it, Mr. B.-don't care now-can't get any wetter."
N. B.-None, save born and bred woodsmen, can keep the
limbs properly packed and dry on the horse neck, in deep fords:
naturalized woodmen never do it either gracefully or successfully. I have myself vainly tried a hundred times: but at the
first desperate plunge and lurch of the quadruped, I have always
had to unpack the articles and let them drop into the waterotherwise I should have dropped myself.




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    321
Mr. B. and myself rode around and into the deepest places,
satisfying ourselves and the rest, that with due caution and fortitude the ford was practicable-or nearly so: and then I returned for the girls, while Mr. B. rode down and stationed
himself in the middle river about twenty-five yards below the
ford proper, to intercept, if possible, any article or person falling from or thrown by a blundering horse.  Having myself
been in the deepest water, although not the most rapid, and
knowing that much depended on my firmness and care, my
sense of personal danger was lost in anxiety for my precious
charge; and I reentered the perilous flood with the girls with
something like a determination, if necessary, to save their lives
rather than my own.
Several of these, from the first, utterly refused all assistance;
and they now sat like queens of the chivalric age-seeming,
occasionally, tiny boats trimmed with odd sails and tossing
mid the foam, as their horses rose and sunk over the roughness
of the rocky bottom! The other girls, shutting their eyes to
avoid looking at the seeming dangers, and also to prevent
swimming of the head, held the horn of the saddle with a tenacious grasp, and surrendered the horses to the guidance of the
escorts.
On reaching the middle of the river, here some eighty yards
wide, the depth had, indeed, decreased to about two feet; but
then the rocks being more, and larger and rougher, the current
was raging among them-a miniature of the Niagara Rapids.
Here was I seized with a momentary perplexity.  By way of
punishing the incipient cowardice, however, I checked my own
horse and that of the trembling girl next me, and thus remaining, forced my eyes to survey the whole really terrific scene,
and to contemplate a cataract of waters thundering in an un
broken sheet over a ledge of rocks thirty feet high, and a short
distance above the ford. And having thus compelled myself
in the very midst of the boiling sea, to endure its surges, we
proceeded cautiously and leisurely, till with no other harm than
a good wetting, especially to my boots and upwards, and a little palpitation of the heart, all came safe to land.
14*




322              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
And then the chattering! and how we magnified ourselves!
The charges and denials too! " Mary what makes you so
pale?"-" Pshaw!-I'm not-I was not scared a bit!"-" Nor
me neither-"  " Ia! ha! ha!-you had your eyes shut all
the time!"-" Oh! Mr. Carlton, had I "  "Well," said he,
"we must not tell tales out of school: beside, I was half afraid
I should get scared myself."
"You! Mr. Carlton," said Mr. B.; "well it may be so; but
without flattery, you brought the girls over about as well as I
could have done it myself-why, you were as cool as a woodsman."
"Well, after that praise, Mr. Blank"-for that is the name"I mean to set up for a real genuine Hoosier."
Reader! I do not deserve such praise: but as to being " cool,'
there was no mistake-only think of the cold water in my boots
and elsewhere!
Inquiry was made about the pony: and that was answered
by a general "Haw! haw! haw! hoo  hoo! hoo! he! he!
he!" and so through the six cases-and mingled with the exclamation "look! look!"-" down thare! down thare!"
We of course looked; and ab6ut thirty yards below the
landing, was pony, or rather pony's head, his body and tail being invisible; but whether, hippopotamus-like, he walked on
the bottom, or was actually swimming, was uncertain. But
there he was; and by the progression of his ears, he was manifestly making headway pretty fast towards our side; although
ever and anon, by the sudden dousing of his ears, he had
either plunged into water deeper than his expectation, or been
momentarily upset by the current.  By this time our two young
gentlemen had got opposite to pony, and were waiting to assist
at his toilette on his emerging; —for his saddle and bridle, etc.,
had been all brought over on a vacated steed. The three soon
rejoining us, we all, in health, and with grateful hearts and good
spirits, were again dashing on, wild and independent Tartars,
through our own loved forests.
But before we could reach our quarters this night, Nut Creek




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   323
was to be passed, too deep to be forded, and having neither
bridge nor scow! It was to be done-by canoe!
The canoe, in the present case, was a log ten feet long, and
eighteen inches wide, and hacked, burned and scraped, to the
depth of a foot: and it was tolerably well rounded to a point
at each end, being, however, destitute of keel or rudder. It was,
indeed, wholly unlike any fairy skiff found in poetry or Scott's
Novels, or in the engravings of annuals bound in cloth and
gold, and reposing on centre tables. Nor was it either classical
or Indian. It differed from a bark-canoe as a wooden shoe from
a black morocco slipper! Either nature, or a native, had begun a hog-trough to hold swill and be snouted: but its capacities proving better than expectation-a little extra labour had
chopped the thing into a log-boat!
Well-into this metamorphosed log was now to be packed a
most precious load. To one end went first, Mr. Blank, Sen.,
with a paddle; then were handed along, one by one, the trembling girls, who, sitting instantly on the bottom  of the trough,
and closing their eyes, held to its sides with hands clenched as
for life; and then followed Mr. C., filling up the few inches of
remaining space, and for the first time in his days, holding a
canoe-paddle! and then at the cry "let go!" our two junior
gentlemen, on the bank, relaxed their hands, and our laden craft
was at the mercy of the flood!
Many a boat had I rowed on the Delaware and the Schuylkill-often a skiff on the Ohio-ay! and poled and set over
many a scow: but what avail civilized practice, in propelling
for the first time a hollow log, and with a small paddle, like a
large mush-stick?-and across a raging torrent in a gloomy wilderness? Was it so wonderful my end went round?-and
more than once   Could I help it   Was it even a wonder I
looked solemn — grew dizzy?-and at last quit paddling altogether?  But it was a wonder I did not upset that vile swine
thing, and plunge all into the water-perhaps into death! And
yet we all reached, by the skill of Mr. Blank, our port in safety.
The horses in the meanwhile had been stripped, and three or
four trustworthy ones released from their bridles to swim over




324              TIHE  NEW  PURCHASE.
by themselves: and so we made ready to ferry over the remaining animals and all the baggage, not, indeed, at one, but
several trips. The trust-worthy and more sensible creatures
were led by the mane, or the nose, or driven with switches, and
pelted with clods to the edge of the creek; where they were
partly coaxed, and partly pushed into the flood, whence rising
from the plunge, they swam, snorting, to the far side, and landing, continued cropping about till wanted.
The less accommodating creatures were, one at a time, managed thus: Mr. Blank, Sen., took a station at that end of the
canoe, which, when dragged round by the horse, would become
the stern, to guide and steer; and Mr. C. twice, and Mr. Frank
and young Blank each once, was seated in the prow that was to
be, and held the rope or bridle attached at the other end to the
horse's head: then, all ready, the creature, pulled by the person
in the canoe, and pelted, beat, slapped and pushed by the two
on land, took the "shoote;" —a plunge direct, over head and
ears, into water a little over nine feet deep! If this did not
drag under or upset the log, that was owing to the —(hem!)
dexterity and presence of mind, and so forth, of the steersmanand the man at the bridle-end! But when the animal arose,
and began to snort and swim ahead!-oh! sirs, then was realized
and enjoyed all ever fabled about Neptune and his dolphins!
or Davy Crockett and his alligators! What if you have a
qualm at first!-that is soon lost in the excitement of this demigod sailing! It is even grand! to cross a perilous flood on a
log harnessed to a river-horse! and with the rapidity of a comet,
and the whirl and splash of a steamer! No wonder our western people do often feel contempt for the tender nurslings of
the east! And is it not likely that the fables about sea-cars,
and water-gods, originated when men lived in the woods, dieted
on acorns, and recreated themselves with this horse and log
navigation   The hint may be worth something to the editors
of Tooke's Pantheon.
*       *        *       *        *       *
In an hour and a half we reached our second night's lodgingplace; and next day, at noon, the girls being committed to the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     325
junior gentlemen to escort to Sugartown, the residence of Mr.
Blank, he and the author took the episodial journey, described
in the following chapter.
CHAPTER XLV.
"Shaking his trident, urges on his steeds,
Who with two feet beat from their brawny breasts
The foaming billow; but their hinder parts
Swim, and go smooth against the curling surge."
WE parted from our young folks, at an obscure trace, where
Mr. B. and Mr. C. went to the left, towards Big Possum Creek;
along which, somewhere in the woods, Mr. Blank expected to
meet an ecclesiastical body, of which he was a member.
The spot was found late that night; but as yet no delegates
had appeared, and when, next day, at three o'clock, P.M., a single clergyman appeared, jaded and muddy, and reported the
waters as too high for members in certain directions to come at
all, the whole affair was postponed till the subsidence of the
flood.
Mr. Blank being an officer of the general government, and
having important matters demanding his immediate attention,
now took me aside, and began as follows:" Mr. Carlton, do you want to try a little more backwood's
life V"
"Why."
"Because, if possible, I should like to reach my house tonight."
" To-night!-why'tis half-past three! and your house is at
least thirty-five miles   -"
" Yes, by the trace, up Big Possum-but in a straight line
through the woods'tis not over twenty-five miles."
" But there is no road?"
"I don't want any; the sun is bright, and by sun-down, we
shall strike a new road laid out last fall; and that I can follow
in the night."




326               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"I have never, Mr. B., swum  a horse; and I confess I'm a
leetle timid; and we cannot expect even canoes where there are
no settlements _ "
" Oh! never fear, I'll go ahead; beside, Big Possum is all
that is very seriously in the way; and I think it will hardly
swim us now-come, what do you say-will you go?"
"Well-let's see; twenty-five miles-no road, no settlement,
won't quite swim, maybe-new road in the dark-pretty fair for
a tyro, Mr. Blank; but I can't learn sooner; I'll go, sir-let us
be off at once then."
Big Possum was soon reached; and as there was no ford established by law or custom, it was to be forded at a venture.
My friend sought, indeed, not for a place less deep apparently,
but for one less impeded by bushes and briars, and then in he
plunged, " accoutred as he was, and bade me follow."  And so,
indeed, I did boldly, and promptly; for my courage was really
so modest as to need the stimulus of a blind and reckless conduct.  Hence, all I knew was a "powerful heap" of water in
my boots again, and an uneasy wet sensation in the saddleseat*-with a curious sinking of the horse's " hinder parts," as
if he kicked at something and could not hit it-and then a hard
scramble of his fore legs in the treacherous mud of a bank;
and then this outcry of Mr. Blank, as he turned an instant in his
saddle to watch my emersion:"Well done! Carlton! well done! You'll be a woodsman
yet! Come, keep up-the worst is over."
Reader! I do think praise is the most magical thing in nature!
In this case it nearly dried my inexpressibles! And on I followed, consoling myself for the other water in the boots, by
singing —"possum up a gum tree!"
" Hulloo! Mr. B. how are you steering? by the moss?"
" No-by the shadows."
"Shadows! how's that?"
"Our course is almost north east-the sun is nearly west
* I hope the Magazines won't be hard on the grammar hero-it is so great a help to
our delicacy-a double intezderl like.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   327
-so cutting the shadows of the trees at the present angle, we'll
strike the road, this rate, about sun-set."
I had travelled by the moss, a good general guide, the north
and north west sides of trees, having more and darker moss
than the others; I had gone by a compass in a watch-key, by
blazes-by the under side of leaves recently upturned, a true
Indian trace, as visible to the practised eye as the warm scent
to a hound's nose-and by the sun, moon, or stars; I had, in
dark days, gone with comrades, who by keeping some fifty yards
apart in a line, could correct aberrations; but never had I
thought of our present simple and infallible guide!
Man maybe, as some think, very low in the intellectual scale,
and yet he has one mark of divine resemblance-he always is
in search of simple agents and means, and when found, he uses
them in producing the greatest effects. Witness here man's
contrivances for navigating through the air and the waters, and
for crossing deserts and solitudes! Laugh if you will, but I do
confess that as we bounded along that beautiful sunny afternoon
and evening, I felt how like gods we availed ourselves of reason,
in that wilderness, without squatters, without blazes, without
dry leaves, having no compass, and indifferent to moss; yes,
and I smiled at the grim trees, while we cut athwart their black
shadows at the proper angle, and heard from den and ravine and
cliff the startled echoes crying out in amazement, in answering
clatter and clang of hoofs and clamour of human voices!
For many miles the land was low and level, and mostly
covered with water in successive pools, seeming, at a short distance, like parts of one immense lake of the woods! These
pools were rarely more than a few inches deep, unless in cavities
where trees had been torn ulp by their roots, and such holes
were easily avoided by riding around the prostrate tops.  My
friend had not expected quite so much water; for he now called
out at intervals" Come on! Carlton! we musn't be caught here in the dark
-the sun's getting low-can you keep up?"
"Ay-ay!-go on!-go on!"
And then, after every such exhortation and reply, as if all




328               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
past trotting had been walking, away, away we splashed, not
kicking up a dust, but a mimic shower of aqueous particles,
and many a smart sprinkle of mud, that rattled like hail on the
leaves above, and the backs and shoulders below! Never did
I believe how a horse can go!-at least through mud and water!
True, I did often think of " the merciful man, merciful to his
beast"-but I thought in answer, that hay and oats were as
scarce in the swamp as hog and hominy; and hence, that for all
our sakes we had better bestir matters a little extra for an hour
or two, that all might get to " entertainment for man and horse."
Hence, finally, we gave up all talking, singing, humming, and
whistling, and all conjecturing and wishing; and set into plain,
unostentatious hard riding, kicking and whipping our respective
" critturs" so heartily as to leave no doubt somewhere under
their hides, of our earnestness and haste; and. therefore, about
half an hour after sunset, we gained or struck the expected
road, where, although not yet free from the waters, we had no
more apprehension of losing the course.
At last we reentered the dry world —a high and rolling
country.  As it was, however, then profoundly dark, our concluding five miles were done in a walk, slow, solemn, and funereal; till at half-past ten o'clock that night we dismounted or
disembarked, wet, weary, and hungry, at Mr. B.'s door: and
there we were more than welcomed by his family, and all our
boys and girls snug and safe from the late perils of woods and
waters.
CHAPTER XLVI.
"Slowly and sadly we laid him down
From the field of his fame, fresh and gory;
We carved not a line, we raised not a stone,
But we left him alone with his glory."
AT the end of a week's visit we left Sugartown for Tippecanoe: but with a very diminished party. It consisted of one
young lady only, the two young gentlemen, myself, and other




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  329
four, horses. The lady, Miss Charille, lived twenty-five miles
to the north, and within ten miles of Tippecanoe. The young
fellows accompanied out of gallantry, and to visit with me the
field.
Being in a hurry, I hasten to say, that early in the evening
we arrived at Mr. Charille's; that we were cordially received;
that we got supper in due season, and then went to bed in
western style, all in one room: the beds here nearly touching
in places, but ingeniously separated by extemporary curtains
of frocks and petticoats, and on a side of my bed, by two pairs
of modest and respectable corduroy breeches. Fastidious folks,
that smell at essences and flourish perfumed cambric, I know
would have lain awake, curling their noses at the articles, but
sensible ones in such cases go quietly to sleep; while men of
genius are even captivated with the romance -
" Romance I-what, a curtain of corduroy thinging-bobs V"
Yes, corduroys modestly hung as wall between ladies and
gentlemen, reposing amid the solemn vastness of a prairie! If
that is not romance pray what is? To sleep alone in a plastered
chamber, with a lock on the door, blinds to the windows, washstand, toilette, and so on, is very comfortable-very civilizedbut surely not very romantic. And if strangeness is a constituent of romance, could any fix and fixtures be contrived
stranger than ours?
However, like a sensible body, I went soon and quietly to
sleep, and was quickly in spirit lost in the land of shadows and
dreams: and having a fine capacity for dreaming, I had many
visions, till at last came one of my pet dreams-a winged
dream! Then, lifted on pinions fastened some where about me,
I went sailing in the air over the wide expanse of the meadow
world; then, careering in a black tempest and hurricane far
above the bowing and crashing trees of the forest-and then
suddenly descending near a mighty swollen river, I was deprived
in some mysterious way of the wings! Here I lay stretched on
a bed, while the form of that venerable quadruped, my dear
nameless old friend, a little larger than life, backed up and became harnessed to the foot of the couch, and the dwarf pony




330              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
began with his hinder parts to push against the head-board, and
I was just a-launching into the waters, when down dropped both
the steeds, and commenced to snort with so tremendous a tempest of noise as to wake me! I rubbed my eyes and smiledbut is it possible?-hatk!-am I still dreaming? What is that
beyond the corduroys in the adjoining bed?  Dear, oh dear.!
can that be Dr. Charille snoring?
During the week spent at Mr. Blank's his lady had once said
to me," Mr. Carlton, you will not sleep any at Dr. Charille's."
" Not sleep any-why 2"
" His snoring will keep you awake."
"Never fear-I can sleep in a thunder storm."
So I thought.  But when lately he visited here, he insisting
on sleeping alone in the passage; which we not permitting,
when his snoring began, sure enough, as he himself pleasantly
predicted, nobody else could sleep."
This conversation now recurred, when that amazing snoring
formed and then destroyed my dream! What a relief; if young
Mr. Frank and I, who slept together, could have laughed!
One might have ventured, indeed, with impunity, during any
paroxysm of snoring, if one could have quit when it subsided;
for the most honest cachination must have been unheard in the
uproar of the Doctor's nasal trumpetings.
How shall we so write as to give any correct idea of the performance?  Pitiful, indeed, it began like a puppy's whine; but
directly its tone passed into an abrupt, snappish, mischievous,
and wicked snort; and then into a frightful tornado of windy
sleep; after which, in about three minutes, it subsided, and suddenly ceased, as if the doctor had made a successful snap and
swallowed it! If this description be not satisfactory, I hope the
reader will send for Robert Dale Owen; who, knowing how to
represent morals and circumstances by diagrams, may succeed
in the same way at setting forth snoring; but such is beyond
our power.
The doctor evidently worked by the job, from his earnestness
and haste: and certainly he did do in any five minutes of a




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   331
paroxysm, vastly more and better than all of us combined could
have done the whole night. Happily any sound, regularly repeated, becomes a lullaby; and hence he that had snored me
awake, snored me asleep again; but never can I forget that
amazing, startling, and exhilatory nasal solo! That nose could
have done snoring parts in a somnambula, and would have
roused up the drowsy hearers better than the clash of brass instruments!
After an early breakfast, the two youngsters and myself set
off on horse-back for Tippecanoe; intending, as the field was
only ten miles, to return, if possible, in the evening to Dr.
Charille's.
The day was favourable, and our path led usually through
prairies, where awe is felt at the grandeur of the wild plains
stretching away, sometimes with undulations, but oftener with
unbroken smoothness, to meet the dim  horizon. Yet one is
frequently surprised and delighted there, with views of picturesque meadows, fringed with thickets intervening, and separating the primitive pasturages as in the golden age! The
green and flowery meads seemed made for flocks and herds:
and imagination easily created, under the shade of trees, shepherds and shepherdesses, with crooks and sylvan reeds!  It
heard the sound of pipes!-the very tones of thrilling and
strange voices!
Then we seemed to approach a country of modern farms,
where the gopher hills resembled hay-cocks awaiting the wagon!
and countless wild plums laden with rich and fragrant fruit recalled the Eastern orchards! Alas! our inconsistency! then I,
who a while since looked with rapture to the sun-set and longed
for the West, now 16ooked to the sun-rise and sighed for the East
-the far East! And why not? There was the home of my
orphan boyhood! there had I revelled, and without care, i?'
the generous toils of the harvest!-the binding of sheaves!the raking of hay!-the hay-mow!-the stack-yard!  There
had I snared rabbits-trapped muskrats-found hens' nests



332              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
laid up walnuts and shell-barks! There had I fished with pinhooks, and caught in a little, dark, modest brook, more roach
and gudgeon than the fellow with his store-hook with a barbed
point! And then the sliding down hills of ice on our own homemade sleds!-and upsetting!-and rolling to the bottom! Yes!
yes! after all, those were the halcyon days! And so for a time
how keen that morning the pangs of a desolate heart as I
realized the immense solitudes around me!
We had been directed to cross the river at a new town, which,
on reaching, was found to contain one log-house half finished,
and one tent belonging to a Canadian Frenchman, and some Indians. And yet, before we left the New Purchase, this Sproutsburg had become a village to be seen from a distance, and not
many years after contained fourteen retail stores!-a specimen
of our wholesale growth in the West. But to me an object of
great interest was a tall young Indian, dressed in a composite
mode, partly barbarian, partly civilized. His pantaloons were
of blue cloth, and he wore a roundabout of the same; while his
small feet were tastefully clad with sumptuously wrought moccasins, and his head encircled with a woollen or ram-beaver hat,
banded with a broad tin belt, and garnished with a cockade!
He was seemingly about eighteen years old; and by way of
favour he consented to ferry us over the water.  And now,
reader, here hast thou a fair token that this work is true asmost history; and not more extravagant than our puerile school
histories for beginners: I resist the temptation of having ourselves skiffed over in a bark canoe! For, alas! we crossed in
an ugly scow, and it moved by a pole!
Yet was it nothing, as I held my horse, to look on that half
reclaimed son of the forest, while he urged our rude flat-boat
across the tumultuating waters of a river with an Indian name
-Wabash! and we on our way to an Indian battle field-Tippecanoe!
On the far bank we galloped into one of many narrow traces
along the river, and running through mazy thickets of undergrowth; and shortly, spite of our many directions and cautions,
quite as bepuzzling as the paths themselves, we were lost;




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   333
having followed some deer or turkey trail till it miraculously
disappeared, the animal being there used to jump off, or the bird
to fly up! Then, and on like occasions, we put in towards the
river, and when in sight or hearing of its waters, sometimes
without, and sometimes with a " blind path," we kept up stream
the best we could. A blind path has that name because it tries
the eyes and often requires spectacles to find it; or because one
is in constant jeopardy of having the eyes blinded or struck out
by unceremonious limbs, bushes, branches, and sprays.
Recent high water had formed many extemporary lagoons,
bayous and quagmires, which forced us often away from the
river bank, that we might get round these sullen and melancholy lakes; although, after all our extra riding, we commonly
appeared to have gone farther and fared worse; and hence, at
last, we crossed wherever the impediment first offered. Once a
muddy ravine presented itself; and as the difficulty seemed less
than usual, we began our crossing with little or no circumspection-and yet it was, truly, a most dangerous morass! Happily,
we entered a few yards below the worst spot, and had creatures
used to floundering through beds of treacherous and almost
bottomless mire.
I had small space to notice my comrades, for my noble and
spirited animal, finding in an instant the want of a solid spot,
by instinct exerted her entire strength in a succession of leaps
so sudden and violent as soon to displace the rider from the
saddle; and when she gained terra firma, that rider was on her
neck instead of back. A leap more would have freed her neck
of the encumbrance, and our author would have either sunk or
have done his own floundering. He stuck to the neck, not by
skill, but for want of sufficient time to fall off! Having now
opportunity to look round, we saw on-e young gentleman wiping
the mud from his eyes, nose, ears, and mouth-proof that all
his senses had been open; and the other we saw stand, indeed,
but very much like a man that had dismounted hastily and not
altogether purposely —he was on all fours! The three horses
were sorely panting and trembling; while the bosom  of the
quagmire was regaining its placidity after the late unusual agi



334              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
tation, and in a few moments had become calm and deceitful as
policy itself when for the people it has sacrificed its friends 
And yet, where we had crossed, the mire after all was not so
very deep-it did not, we were told, average more than five feet!
But, two rods above and one below, the quaggery required a
pole to touch its bottom some fifteen feet long! And this we
ascertained by trial, and also from the squatter, at whose cabin
we halted a moment, just one mile below-the Field.
Our windings, however, brought us to a sight mournful and
solemn-a coffin in which rested an Indian babe! This rude
coffin was supported in the crotch of a large tree, and secured
fiom  being displaced by the wind, being only a rough trough
dug out with a tomahawk, and in which was deposited the little
one, and having another similar trough bound down over the
body with strips of papaw.
Sad seemed the dreamless sleep of the poor innocent so
separate from the graves of its fathers and the children of its
people! Mournful the voice of leaves whispering over the
dead in that sacred tree! The rattling of naked branches there
in the hoarse winds of winter!-how desolate! And yet if one
after death could lie amid thick and spicy ever-green branches
near the dear friends left-instead of being locked in the damp
vault! or trodden like clay in the deep, deep grave!
But would that be rebellion against the sentence "dust thou
art, and unto dust shalt thou return?"-then let our bodies be
laid in the silence and the dark till the morning and the life!
But see! what woodland is that yonder? That advanced like
the apex of a triangle? and yet as we now approach nearer and
nearer, is rising up and has become an elevated plain?  That
is Tippecanoe!
Yes! this is Tippecanoe, as it stood some twelve years after
the battle! Tippecanoe in its primitive and sacred wilderness!
unscathed by the axe, unshorn by the scythe, unmarked by
roads, unfenced! We are standing and walking among the
slain warriors! Can it be that I am he, who but yesterday was
roused from sleep to aid in " setting up the declaration of war
against Great Britain," to appear as an extra sheet? and who,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   335
each subsequent week, thrilled as I "composed" in the "iron
stick" accounts of battles by land and fights at sea?-in the
days of Maxwell rollers and Ramage presses!-and of hardy
pressmen in paper aprons and cloth trowsers!-long before the
invasion of petticoats and check aprons!
Oh! ye men and boys of ink and long primer! how our
spirits were stirred to phrensy and swelled with burnings and
longings after fame!-while, like trumpeters calling to battle,
we scattered forth our papers that woke up the souls of men!
Then I heard of Harrison and Tippecanoe; and dreamed even
by day of a majestic soldier seated on his charger, and his
drawn sword flashing its lightnings, and his voice swelling over
the din of battle like the blast of the clarion!-and of painted
warriors, like demons, rushing with the knife and tomahawk
upon the white tents away, away off somewhere in the unknown
wilds-of "shout, and groan, and sabre-stroke, and deathshots falling thick and fast as lightning from the mountain
cloud!"  And do I stand, and without a dream look on-Tippecanoe?
Even so!-for see, here mouldering are trunks of trees that
formed the hasty rampart!-here the scars and seams in the
trees torn by balls! See! here in this narrow circle are skeletons of, let me count again, yes, of fourteen war-horses! But
where the riders?  Here, under this beech-see, the record in
the bark!-we stand on the earth over the dead  " rider and
horse-friend-foe-in one red burial blent!"
What is this?-the iron band of a musket! I have found a
rusty bayonet! Was it ever wet with blood?  Perhaps it belonged to the brave soul about whom the squatter gave us the
following anecdote:
"A party of United States regulars were stationed there,
and with strict orders for none to leave ranks.  An Indian
crawled behind this large log-it's pretty rotten now you seeand here loading and firing he killed four or five of us; while
we daresn't quit ranks and kill him. But one of our chaps said
to the nearest officer-' Leftenint! for heaven's sake-gimme
leaf to kill that red devil ahind the log-I'll be in ranks agin in




336               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
a minute!''My brave fellow,' said the officer,' I darn't give
you leave-I musn't see you go.' And with that he walked off
akeepin his back towards us; and, when he turned and got back,
our soldier was in ranks; but, gentlemen, his bagnit was bloody,
and a deep groan from behind this here old log, told the officer
that the bagnit had silenced the rifle and avenged the fall of our
messmates and comrades."
If the reader imagine a strip of woodland, triangular in form,
its point or apex jutting a kind of promontory into the prairie
whose long grass undulates like the waving of an inland sea;
if on one side of this woody isle, he imagines a streamlet about
fifteen feet below and stealing along through the grass; and on
the other side, here, a mile, and there, two miles across the
prairie, other woodlands hiding the Wabash; and if he imagines
that river, at intervals gleaming in the meadow, like illuminated
parts merely of the grass-lake, he may picture for himself something like Tippecanoe in the simplicity of "uncurled" nature,
and before it was marred and desecrated by man's transformations!
The first intimation of the coming battle, as our squatter,
who was in it, said, was from the waving grass.  A sentinel hid
that night in the darkness of the wood, was gazing in a kind of
dreamy watchfulness over the prairie, admiring, as many times
before, the beauteous waving of its hazy bosom. But never had
it seemed so strangely agitated-a narrow and strong current
was setting rapidly towards his post; and yet no violent wind
to give the stream that direction! lie became first, curioussoon, suspicious. Still nothing like danger appeared-no voiceno sound of footsteps-no whisper! Yet rapidly and steadily
onward sets the current-its first ripples are breaking at his
feet! He awakes all his senses-but discovers nothing-he
strains his eyes over the top of the bending grass-and then,
happy thought! he kneels on the earth and looks intently below
that grass! Then, indeed, he saw, not a wind-moved currentbut Indian warriors in a stooping posture and stealing noiseless
towards his post-a fatal and treacherous under-current in that
waving grass!




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    337
The sentinel springing to his feet cried out, "Who comes
there.?"
" Pottawatamie!"-the answer, as an Indian leaped with a
yell from the grass, and almost in contact with the soldier-and
then, fell back with a death scream as the ball of the sentinel's
piece entered the warrior's heart, and gave thus the signal for
combat!
Our men may have slumbered; for it was a time of treaty
and truce-but it was in armour they lay, and with ready weapons in their hands; and it was to this precaution of their general, we owed the speedy defeat of the Indians; although not
before they had killed about seventy of our little army.  No
one can properly describe the horrors of that night attack-at
least, I shall not attempt it. It required the coolness and deliberation, and at the same time, the almost reckless daring and
chivalric behaviour of the commander and his noble officers and
associates, to foil such a foe, and at such a time; even with the
loss of so many brave men of their small number.  That the
foe was defeated and driven off is proof enough to Western
men-if not to Eastern politicians who do battles on paper
plains-that all was anticipated and done by Harrison that was
necessary.  It would not become a work like this, which inexperienced folks may not think is quite as true as other histories,
to meddle with the history of an honest President; but the
writer knows, and on the best authority, that General Harrison
did that night all that a wise, brave, and benevolent soldier
ought to do or could do; and among other things, that his person was exposed in the fiercest and bloodiest fights where balls
repeatedly passed through his clothes and his cap.
There was, however, one in the battle so generous, so chivalric, so kind, and yet so eccentric, that his life would make a
volume of truth more exciting than fiction-the celebrated
Joseph Hamilton Davies, familiarly and kindly called in the
West, Joe Davis.  A lawyer by profession, he was eminent in
all pertaining to his science and art; but preeminent in the
adjustment of land claims.  An anecdote about him  on this
point appeared in the newspapers some years since: it deserves
15




338               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
a more imperishable record in a work destined to be read and
preserved in so many families —maybe!
A person, served with an ejectment, and fearing from the
length of his adversary's purse, that he must be unjustly deprived of his lands, came from a great distance to solicit the aid
of Davies. He succeeded in his application, and was dismissed
with an assurance that, in due season, the lawyer would appear
for his client and prevent his being dispossessed.
The arena of contest was, as has been intimated, distant; and
hence Davies was in person a stranger to the members of that
court, or so imperfectly known that an uncanonical dress would
be an effectual concealment. His client's case being duly called,
matters by the opposite party were set in such a light that a
verdict from the jury, and a decision from the bench, in favour
of the plaintiff seemed inevitable; yet, for form's sake, the
defendant must be heard.
The poor client had relied so entirely on Davies, and had
felt so certain of being secured in his possessions, as to have
neglected to obtain any other legal aid-and still, at this critical moment when he was to be summoned for his defenceDavies had not arrived! Nay!-while earnestly straining his
eyes, the client was even rudely jostled by a rough chap in
hunting shirt and leather breeches, who carrying a heavy rifle
in his hand and with a racoon-skin cap slouched over his face,
kept squeezing very impudently even among the laughing and
good-natured lawyers inside the bar; where, to everybody's
diversion, he appropriated to himself a seat with the most simple and awkward naivete possible; but what diversion was all
this to our client looking round in despair for his lawyer! And
then when the judge asked who appeared for the defendant,
what amazement must have mingled with the client's despair
when at the call up rose that rude hunter and replied:
"I do, please your honour!"
" You!"-replied his honour-" who are you, sir?"
" Joseph Hamilton Davies, please your honour!"
And now after that heavy rifle was slowly placed in a snug
corner of the bar, and that skin cap was removed from. the head,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    339
plain enough was it that the noble face, no longer concealed,
was his; the talented, the philanthropic, the eccentric Joe Davis.
Never before had so much law been cased in a hunting shirt
and buckskins; and never before nor since, was, or has been, a
difficult cause in such a guise pleaded so triumphantly: for the
entire superstructure of the opposite argument was completely
subverted, and a verdict and decision, in proper time. rendered
for the defendant, when to all appearance it had been virtually
made, if not formally declared, for his antagonist.
Alas! noble heart! and here is thy very grave!  Yes,
"J. H. D." is here in the bark-my finger is in the rude
graving!-and now at the root of the tree I am seated making
my notes! The last the squatter ever saw of Joe Davies alive,
was when his gray horse was plunging in the furious charge
down this hill-when the sentinel, already named, had fired and
called "to arms!"  And the next day our guide helped to lay
Davies in this grave; and saw his name transferred to the living
monument here sheltering and fanning his sepulchre!
We lingered at Tippecanoe till the latest possible moment!there was, in the wildness of the battle-field-in my intimate
acquaintance with some of its actors-in the living trees, scarred
and hacked with bullet and hatchet, and marked with names of
the dead-in the wind so sad and melancholy-something so
like embodied trances, that I wandered the field all over, here
standing on a grave, there resting on a decaying bulwark; now
counting the scars of trees, now the skeleton heads of horses;
finding in one spot a remnant of some iron weapon, in another,
the bones of a slain soldier dragged, perhaps, by wild beasts
from  his shallow grave!-till my young comrades insisted on
our return if we expected to reach our friend's house before the
darkness of night.
Having, accordingly, deposited in my valisse a few relics and
mementos, we rode down the hill into the prairie, at the spot
poor Davies was seen descending and leading a charge; and
over the very ground where the grassy current had betrayed
the dangerous under-tide of painted foes.  Hence we crossed




340                     THE NEW  PURCHASE.
over to the town whence the Indians issued for the attack, and
where the wily prophet himself remained in safety, concocting
charms  against  the  white  man's  weapons!   After  this, we
turned  down  the Wabash, keeping  our eyes ever directed  towards the mournful island  of wood, till at last we doubled its
cape, and lost sight of Tippecanoe for ever!
That field, however, and its hero of North Bend, are im
mortal.
6rittle  of    iptrn nn.
Within the shelter of the primal wood,
An isle amid the prairie's flow'ry sea,
Upon his midnight watch, our sentry stood,
Guarding the slumbers of the brave and free;
And o'er the swellings of a seeming tide,
Dim sparkling in the moonlight's silv'ry haze,
The soldier oft, distrustful, far and wide
Sent searching looks, or fixed his steadfast gaze.
Long had he watch'd; and still each grassy wave
Brought nought save perfumes to the tented isle;
Nor sign of foe the fragrant breezes gave;
Till thoughts of cabin-home his sense beguile,
Far from the wilds: for yet, though fix'd intent,
As if his eyes discerned a coming host,
Those moisten'd eyes are on his lov'd ones bentHe sleeps not; but he dreams upon his post.
Soldier! what current, like a hast'ning stream,
Outstrips the flowing of yon lagging waves?
Shake off the fitters of thy fatal dream I
Quick! save thy comrades from their bloody graves.!
He starts!-he marks the prairie's bosom shake 
He sees that current to the woodland near!
He kneels —upleaps and cries-" Comrades awake I
To arms I to arms!-the treach'rous foe is here I"
"Like mountain torrent, furious gushing,
The warrior tribe is on us rushing,With weapons in their red hands gleaming,
And charmed banners from them streaming I
To arms! to arms! ye slumb'ring brave I
To arms!-your lives and honour save!"
Arm'd, from the earth our host is springing;
Their sabres forth from sheaths are ringing;




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                                      341
Their chargers mounted, fierce are prancing;
Their serred bay'nets swift advancing:"Quick, to your posts!" the general's cry,
Answer'd "We're there, to do or die I"
Hand to hand, within that solemn wood,
For life, fought warriors true and good!
The hatchet through the brain went crushing!
The bay'net brought the heart blood gushing!
On arrows' feather'd wings death went,
Or swift, at the rifle flash, was sent,
Till victor shouts the air was rending,
And groans the wounded forth were sending!
"Charge! soldiers, charge!" brave Davies shouted;
They charg'd; the yelling foe was routed:Yet long before that foe was flying,
That hero, on the plain, was dying I
That prairie lake rolls peaceful waves no more;
Its bosom rages'neath a tempest pow'rSee! driven midst it, from the woodland shore,
Fierce bands rush vanquish'd from a deadly show'rl
And gleaning steel, and lead and iron hail
Pour vengeful out of war's dark sky,'Mid shriek, and fright, and groan, and dying wail,
And triumph's voice, " Charge home! they fly!"
Solemn the pomp where mourning heroes tread
With arms revers'd, and measur'd step, and slow!
Sadly, yet proud, is borne their comrade dead,
Their warlike ensigns bound with badge of woe!
Sublime, though plaintive, pours the clarion's tone!
The heart, while bow'd, is stirred by muffled drum!
But stand within that far-off wild wood lone,
Where prairie scented winds, with dirges, come,
Where the rough bark, rude grav'd with hunter's knife,
Points to the spot where Davies rests below,
And relics scatter'd, tell of bloodiest strifeHeart gushing tears fiom dimming eyes must flow I
And round thy mournful bier, our warrior sage,
Who rushing reckless to each fiercest fight,
Didst fall a victim to no foeman's rage
Amid the carnage of that fearful night,
A nation, yet in tears, has smitten stood
Grieving o'er thee with loud and bitter cry!
eest thee, our hero of that island wood!
Worthy in thine own ransom'd West to lie!
When floating down Ohio's grand old wave,
Our eyes shall turn to where his forests stand,
Stretching dark branches o'er our chieftain's graveFather and saviour of the Western's land!




342                THE  NEW   PURCHASE.
CHAPTER XLVII.
" For now I stand as one upon a rock
Environed with a wilderness of sea."
LATE at night we arrived safe at Dr. Charille's. The next
day we set out for Woodville, choosing on the return other
paths, to avoid former difficulties and dangers; by which prudence, however, we only reversed matters; for instance, instead
of water before a swamp, we got the swamp before the water"Mr. Carlton, we are tired of the mud and water         "
I think I could make it interesting
" Yes-but what's the use of such stuff       "
La! that's so like what Aunt Kitty said, when I got to Woodville, all dirty and tired-my new boots thick with exterior
mud-my best coat altogether spoiled-my fur hat crushed into
fancy  shapes, and the  seat of my  corduroy inexpressibles
abraded to the finest degree of tenuosity at all consistent with
comfort and decorum!
CHAPTER XLVIII.
"And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them."
Vide an Ancient Record.
" ---- Let me see wherein
My tongue hath wrong'd him: if it do him right,
Then he hath wrong'd himself:-if he be fiee,
Why then, my taxing, like a wild goose, flies,
Unclaimed of any man."
ON the last day of the return to Woodville, we met at intervals during the final half-dozen miles, not less than one dozen
wagons, large and small, and partially loaded, some with beds
and bedding, and some with culinary utensils; the interstices
being filled with a wedging of human bodies-men, women, and
children, some laughing and talking, others solemn and demure.




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   343
They seemed at first view settlers, who having sold to advantage old farms, were flitting to where wood and game were more
abundant, and neighbours not crowded offensively under other's
noses, as near as one or two miles. But soon appeared people
riding once, twice, and even thrice on a horse; and some kindhearted horses, like the nameless one, were carrying on their
backs whole families; and then it was plain enough what was
meant-a big meeting was to come off somewhere. And
shortly all doubt was at an end, when familiar soprano and alto
voices from under wagon covers, and out of scoop-shovelled
bonnets came forth thus-" How'd do! Mr. Carlton?-come,
won't you go to camp meetin?"  And then sounded, from
extra devotional parties and individuals, snatches of favourite
religious songs, fixed to trumpet melodies, such as "Glory!
glory! glory!"-" He's a coming, coming, coming!" —' Come,
let us march on, march on, march on!" and the like; and the
saintly voices were ever and anon oddly commingled with some
very unsanctimonious laughing, not intended for irreverence, but
not properly suppressed at some ill-timed joke in another
quarter, related perhaps, yet more probably practised. For
nothing excels the fun and frolic, where two or three dozen halftamed young gentlemen and ladies, mounted on spirited and
mischievous horses, set out together to attend a Mormon, a
Shaking-quaker, or a Millery or a Camp-meeting.
At the very edge of Woodville, too, there met us a comfortable looking middle-aged woman, who was riding a horse,
and was without any bonnet; her other apparel being in some
disorder, and her hair illy done up and barely restrained by a
horn comb. She thus addressed me:" I say, Mister, you haint seen nara bonnit?"
"Bonnet!-no, ma'am; have you lost your bonnet?"
"Yes-I've jist had a powerful exercise over thare in the
Court-house; and when I kim to, I couldn't see my bonnit no
whare about - "
"Has there been meeting in the Court-house lately?"
"Oh! bless you, most powerful time-and it's there I've
jist got religion  "




344              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"And lost your bonnet?"
"Yes, sir-but some said as it maybe mought a-gone on to
camp with somebody's plunder: you didn't see or hear tell on
it, did you?"
"No, I did not; but had you really no power over your
bonnet, ma'am V"
"Well! now!-who ever heern of a body in a exercise, a
thinkin on a bonnit! Come, mister, you'd better turn round
and go to camp and git religion yourself, I allow-thar's whar
all the town a'most and all the settlemints round is agoinbut I'll have to whip up and look after my bonnit, good bye,
mister!"
And so all Woodville and its vicinities were in the ferment
of departure for a camp-meeting!  Now as this was to be a
big meeting of the biggest size, and all the crack preachers
within a circle of three hundred miles were to be present, and
also a celebrated African exhorter from Kentucky, and as much
was said about " these heaven-directed, and heaven-blessed, and
heaven-approved campings;" and as I, by a constant refusal to
attend heretofore, had become a suspected character, it being
often said,-" yes,-Carlton's a honest sort of man, but why
dont't he go out to camp and git religion V"-I determined now
to go.
Why whole families should once or twice a year break up for
two weeks; desert domestic altars; shut up regular churches;
and take away children from school; why cook lots of food at
extra trouble and with ill-bestowed expense; why rush to the
woods and live in tents, with peril to health and very often ultimately with loss of life to feeble persons; why folks should do
these and other things under a belief that the Christian God is
a God of the woods and not of the towns, of the tents and not
of the churches, of the same people in a large and disorderly
crowd and not in one hundred separate and orderly congregations
-why? why? I had in my simplicity repeatedly asked, and received for answer:
" Oh! come and see! Only come to camp and git your cold




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    345
heart warmed-come git religion-let it out with a shout-and
you'll not axe them infidel sort of questions no more."
This was conclusive.'And like the vicar of Wakefield, I resolved not always to be wise, but for once to float with a tide
neither to be stemmed nor directed. A friend, learned in these
spiritual affairs, advised me not to go till Saturday night, or so
as to be on the ground by daylight on Sunday. This I did, and
was handsomely rewarded by seeing and hearing some very
extraordinary conversions-as far as they went; and also some
wonderful scenes and outcries.
The camp was an old and favourite ground, eight miles fiom
Woodville.  It had been the theatre of many a spirit-stirring
drama; and there, too, many a harvest of glory had been
reaped in battling with " the devil and his legions."  Yet wonderful! his satanic majesty never became shy of a spot where
he was said always to have the worst of the fight! and now it
was commonly said and believed, that a prodigious great contest
was to come off; and "hell-defying" challenges had been given
in some Woodville pulpits, for Satan to come out and do his
prettiest. Nay, by certain prophets that'seemed to have the
gift of discerning spirits, it was' allowed he was now out at
camp in great force-that some powerful fights would be seen,
but that Satin would agin and agin git the worst of it."
The camp proper was a parallelogramic clearing, and was
most of the day shaded by the superb forest trees, which admitted, here and there, a little mellow sunshine to gleam through
the dense foliage upon their own dark forms, quivering in a kind
of living shadow over the earth. At night the camp was illuminated by lines of fires, kindled and duly sustained on the tops
of many altars and columns of stone and log-masonry-a truly
noble and grand idea, peculiar to the West. Indeed, to the
imaginative, there is very much to bewitch in the poetry and
romance of a western camp-meeting:-the wildness, the gloom,
the grandeur of our forests-the gleaming sunlight by day, as
if good spirits were smiling on the sons of light, in their victories over the children of darkness-the clear blue sky, like a
dome over the tents-that dome, at night, radiant with golden
15*




346               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
stars, like glories of heaven streaming through the apertures of
the concave! And the moon! —how like a spirit-world, a residence of ransomed ones! The very tents, too! —formed like
booths at the feast of tabernacles, and seeming to be full of joyous hearts-a community having all things common, dead to the
world, just ready to enter heaven! And when the trumpet sounded
for singing!-the enthusiastic performance of child-like tunes,
poured from the hearts of two thousand raptured devotees, till
the bosom of the wilderness trembles and rejoices while it rolls
over its wooded hills, and through its dark valleys the echo of
the paean, with the peal of deep thunder and the roar of rushing
whirlwinds!
Under the direction of wise and talented men, a camp-meeting may possibly be a means of a little permanent good; but,
with the best management, it is a doubtful means of much moral
and spiritual good-nay, it cannot long be used in a cautious
and sober way.  In religion, as in all other affairs, where the
main dependence is on expedients to reach the moral man
through the fancy and imagination, what begins in poetry must
soon end in prose.  Nay, if a religious meeting be protracted
beyond one or two days, novelties must be introduced; and
such are invariably exciting and entertaining, but never spiritual
and instructive; if not introduced, the meeting becomes, in the
opinion of the majority, stale. Heat, and flame, and smoke,
constitute, with most, "a good meeting."  Nay, again, and yea,
also, the final result of man-contrived means and measures is at
war with true courtesy, uncensorious feelings, the cheerful discharge of daily secular duties, and the culture of the intellect.
The whole is selfish in tendency, and promotive of presumptuous
confidence, and a contemptible self-righteousness. Adequate
reasons enough may be assigned for the popularity of campmeetings, and none of them essentially religious or even praiseworthy; although many essentially worthy and religious persons both advocate and attend such places; for instance, the
love of variety and novelty-the desire of excitements-romantic feelings-tedium  of common every-day life-love of good
fellowship-and even a willingness to obtain a cheap religious




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  347
character-and, also, a secret hope that we please God, and
merit heaven for so extraordinary and long-continued devotion.
Add, our innate love of pageantry, inclining us not only to behold scenes, but to make and be a part of scenes; for even in
this sense-" All the world's a stage, and all the men and
women merely players."
A camp-meeting might, indeed, be reformed; and so might the
theatre-but the one event is no more probable than the other:
and as a reformed theatre would be little visited, so we apprehend,
would be a reformed camp-meeting. The respective abuses of
both are essential to their existence. But this is digressing.
The tents were, in a measure, permanent fixtures; the uprights and cross pieces remaining from season to season; but now
all were garnished with fresh and green branches and coverings.
These tents formed the sides of the parallelogram, intervals being left in suitable places for alleys and scaffolds; while in the
woods were other more soldierly-looking tents of linen or canvass, and pitched in true war style; although not a few tents
were mere squares of sheets, coverlets, and table-cloths. Also
for tents were up propped some twenty or thirty carts and
wagons, and furnished with a chair or two, and some sort of
sleeping apparatus. In the rear of the regular tents, and, indeed, of many others, were places and fixtures for kindling a
fire and boiling water for coffee, tea, chocolate, etc., etc.-a few
culinary operations being yet needed beyond the mountains of
food brought from home, ready for demolition.
Indeed, a camp-meeting out there is the most mammoth picnic possible; and it is one's own fault, saint or sinner, if he gets
not enough to eat, and that the best the land affords. It would
be impossible even for churlish persons to be stingy in the open
air; the ample sky above, and the boundless woods around;
the wings of gay birds flashing in sunshine, and the squirrels
racing up gigantic trunks, and barking and squeaking amid the
grand branches; and what then, must be the effect of all on the
proverbially open-hearted native born Westerns?  Ay! the
native Corn-Cracker, Hoosier, Buckeye, and all men and women
"born in a cane-brake, and rocked in a sugar-trough"-all born




348              rTHE  NEW  PURCHASE.
to follow a trail and cock an old-fashioned lock-rifle-all such are
open-hearted, fearless, generous, chivalric, even in spite of much
filth and scum, and base leaven from foreign places.  And hence,
although no decided friend to camp-meetings, spiritually, and
morally and theologically considered, we do say that at a Western
camp-meeting, as at a barbecue, the very heart and soul of hospitality and kindness is wide open, and poured freely forth.
We can, maybe, equal it in here; but we rarely try.
Proceed we now to things spiritual.  And first, we give notice
that attention will be paid only to grand matters, and that very
many episodial things are omitted, such as incidental exhortations and prayers from authorized, as well as unauthorized folks,
male and female, whose spirits often suddenly stirred, and not
to be controlled like those of old-fashioned prophets, forced our
friends to speak out, like quaker ladies and gentlemen in reformed meetings, and even when they have nothing to say; and
also will be omitted all irregular outcries, groans, shouts, and
bodily exercises, subordinate, indeed, to grand chorusses and
contests, but otherwise beginning without adequate cause, and
ending in nothing.
The camp was furnished with several stands for preaching,
exhorting, jumping and jerking; but still one place was the
pulpit, above all others.  This was a large scaffold, secured
between two noble sugar trees, and railed in  to prevent
from  falling over in a swoon, or springing over in an ec,
stacy; its cover the dense foliage of the trees, whose trunks
formed the graceful and massive columns.  Here was said to
be also the altar-but I could not see its horns or any sacrifice; and the pen, which I did see-a place full of clean straw,
where were put into fold stray sheep willing to return.  It
was at this pulpit, with its altar and pen, the regular preaching was done; around here the congregation assembled; hence
orders were issued; here, happened the hardest fights, and were
gained the greatest victories, being the spot where it was understood Satan fought in person; and here could be seen gestures
the most frantic, and heard noises the most unimaginable, and
often the most appalling.  It was the place, in short, where




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   349
most crowded either with praiseworthy intentions of getting
some religion, or with unholy purposes of being amused; we,
of course, designing neither one nor the other, but only to see
philosophically and make up an opinion. At every grand outcry a simultaneous rush would, however, take place from  all
parts of the camp, proper and improper, towards the pulpit,
altar, and pen; till the crowding, by increasing the suffocation
and the fainting, would increase the tumult and the uproar; but
this, in the estimation of many devotees, only rendered the
meeting more lively and interesting.
By considering what was done at this central station one may
approximate the amount of spiritual labour done in a day, and
then a week in the whole camp:
1. About day-break on Sabbath a horn blasted us up for public
prayer and exhortation, the exercises continuing nearly two hours.
2. Before breakfast, another blast for family and private
prayer; and then every tent became, in camp language, "a
bethel of struggling Jacobs and prevailing Israels;" every tree
" an altar;" and every grove " a secret closet;" till the air all
became religious words and phrases, and vocal with " Amens."
3. After a proper interval came a horn for the forenoon service; then was delivered the sermon, and that followed by an
appendix of some half dozen exhortations let off right and left,
and even behind the pulpit, that all might have a portion in due
season.
4. We had private and secret prayer again before dinner;some clambering into thick trees to be hid, but forgetting in
their simplicity, that they were heard and betrayed. But religious devotion excuses all errors and mistakes.
5. The afternoon sermon with its bob-tail string of exhortations.
6. Private and family prayer about tea time.
7. But lastly, we had what was termed "a precious season,"
in the third regular service at the principia of the camp.  This
season began not long after tea and was kept up long after I left
the ground; which was about midnight.  And now sermon after
sermon and exhortation after exhortation followed like shallow,




350              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
foaming, roaring waters; till the speakers were exhausted and
the assembly became an uneasy and billowy mass, now hushing
to a sobbing quiescence, and now rousing by the groans of sinners and the triumphant cries of folks that had "jist got religion;" and then again subsiding to a buzzy state occasioned by
the whimpering and whining voices of persons giving spiritual
advice and comfort! How  like a volcanic crater after the
evomition of its lava in a fit of burning cholic, and striving to
resettle its angry and tumultuating stomach!
It is time, however, to speak of the three grand services and
their concomitants, and to introduce several master spirits of
the camp.
Our first character, is the Reverend Elder Sprightly. This
gentleman was of good natural parts; and in a better school
of intellectual discipline and more fortunate circumstances, he
must have become a worthy minister of some more tasteful.
literary, and evangelical sect. As it was, he had only become,
what he never got beyond-" a very smart man;" and his aim
had become one-to enlarge his own people.  And in this work,
so great was his success, that, to use his own modest boastfulness in his sermon to-day,-" although folks said when he came
to the Purchase that a single corn-crib would hold his people,
yet, bless the Lord, they had kept spreading and spreading till
all the corn-cribs in Egypt wern't big enough to hold them!"
He was very happy at repartee, as Robert Dale Owen well
knows; and not " slow" (inexpert) in the arts of " taking off"
-and-" giving them their own."  This trait we shall illustrate
by an instance.
Mr. Sprightly was, by accident, once present where a Campbellite Baptist, that had recently taken out a right for administering six doses of lobelia, red pepper and steam, to men's
bodies, and a plunge into cold water for the good of their souls,
was holding forth against all Doctors, secular and sacred, and
very fiercely against Sprightly's brotherhood.  Doctor Lobelia's
text was found somewhere in Pope Campbell's New Testament;
as it suited the following discourse introduced with the usual inspired preface:



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   351
Turtnt IUhntlint   emunt.,
"Well, I never rub'd my back agin a collige, nor git no
sheepskin, and allow the Apostuls didn't nithur. Did anybody
ever hear of Peter and Poll a-goin to them new-fangled places
and gitten skins to preach by? No, sirs, I allow not; no sirs,
we don't pretend to loguk-this here new testament's sheepskin
enough for me.  And don't Prisbeteruns and tother baby
sprinklurs have reskorse to loguk and skins to show how them
what's emerz'd didn't go down into the water and come up
agin?  And as to Sprightly's preachurs, don't they dress like
big-bugs, and go ridin about the Purchis on hunder-dollur hossis,
a-spunginin on poor priest-riden folks and a-eatin fried chickin
fixins so powerful fast that chickins has got skerse in these diggins; and them what ain't fiied makes tracks and hides when
they sees them a-comin?
"But, dear bruthrun, we don't want store cloth and yaller
buttins, and fat hossis and chickin fixins, and the like doinsno, sirs! we only wants your souls-we only wants beleevur's
baptism-we wants prim-prim-yes, Apostul's Christianity,
the Christianity of Christ and them times, when Christians was
Christians, and tuk up thare cross and went down into the water,
and was buried in the gineine sort of baptism  by emerzhin.
That's all we wants; and I hope all's convinced that's the true
way-and so let all come right out from  among them and git
beleevur's baptism; and so now if any brothur wants to say a
word I'm done, and I'll make way for him to preach."
Anticipating this common invitation, our friend Sprightly, indignaut at this unprovoked attack of Doctor Lobelia, had, in
order to disguise himself, exchanged his clerical garb for a
friend's blue coatee bedizzened with metal buttons; and also
had erected a very tasteful and sharp coxcomb on his head, out
of hair usually reposing sleek and quiet in the most saint-like
decorum; and then, at the bid from  the pulpit-stump, out
stepped Mr. Sprightly from the opposite spice-wood grove, and
advanced with a step so smirky and dandyish as to create uni



352              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
versal amazement and whispered demands-" Why! who's
that?"  And some of his very people, who were present, as
they told me, did not know their preacher till his clear, sharp
voice, came upon the hearing, when they showed, by the sudden
lifting of hands and eyebrows, how near they were to exclaiming-" Well! I never!"
Stepping on to the consecrated stump, our friend, without
either preliminary hymn or prayer, commenced thus:" My friends, I only intend to say a few words in answer to
the pious brother that's just sat down, and shall not detain but
a few minutes.  The pious brother took a good deal of time to
tell what we soon found out ourselves-that he never went to
college, and don't understand logic. He boasts too of having
no sheep-skin to preach by; but I allow any sensible buck-sheep
would have died powerful sorry, if he'd ever thought his hide
would come to be handled by some preachers. The skin of the
knowingest old buck couldn't do some folks any good-some
things salt won't save.
"I rather allow Johnny Calvin's boys and'tother baby
sprinklers,' ain't likely to have they idees physicked out of them
by steam logic, and doses of No. 6. They can't be steamed up
so high as to want cooling by a cold water plunge. But I want
to say a word about Sprightly's preachers, because I have some
slight acquaintance with that there gentleman, and don't choose
to have them all run down for nothing.
" The pious brother brings several grave charges; first, they
ride good horses.  Now don't every man, woman, and child in
the Purchase know that Sprightly and his preachers have hardly
any home, and that they live on horseback?  The money most
folks spend in land, these men spend for a good horse; and
don't they need a good horse to stand mud and swim floods?
And is it any sin for a horse to be kept fat that does so much
work    The book says'a merciful man is merciful to his
beast,' and that we mustn't'muzzle the ox that treadeth out the
corn.' Step round that fence corner, and take a peep, dear
friends, at a horse hung on the stake; what's he like?  A
wooden frame with a dry hide stretched over it. What's he




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   353
live on!  Ay? that's the pint?  Well, what's them buzzards
after?-look at them  sailing up there.  Now who owns that
live carrion?-the pious brother that's preached to us just now.
And I want to know if it wouldn't be better for him to give that
dumb brute something to cover his bones, before he talks against'hunder dollur hossis' and the like?
"The next charge is, wearing good clothes.  Friends, don't
all folks when they come to meeting put on their best clothes?
and wouldn't it be wrong if preachers came in old torn coats
and dirty shirts?  It wouldn't do no how. Well, Sprightly and
his preachers preach near about every day; and oughtn't they
always to look decent! Take then a peep at the pious brother
that makes this charge; his coat is out at the elbow, and has
only three or four buttons left, and his arm, where he wipes his
nose and mouth, is shiney as a looking glass-his trowsers are
crawling up to show he's got no stockings on; and his face has
got a crop of beard two weeks old and couldn't be cleaned by'baby sprinklin;' yes, look at them there matters, and say if
Sprightly's preachers ain't more like the apostles in decency
than the pious brother is.'" A word now about chicken-fixins and doins. And I say it
would be a charity to give the pious brother sich a feed now
and then, for he looks half-starved, and savage as a meat-axe;
and I advise that old hen out thare clucking up her brood not
to come this way just now, if she don't want all to disappear.
But I say that Sprightly's preachers are so much beliked in the
Purchase, that folks are always glad to see them, and make a
pint of giving them the best out of love; and that's more than
can be said for some folks here.
"The pious brother says, he only wants our souls-then
what makes him peddle about Thomsonian physic?  Why don't
he and Campbell make steam and No. 6 as free as preaching?
I read of a quack doctor once, who used to give his advice free
gratis for nothing to any one what would buy a box of his pills
-but as I see the pious brother is crawling round the fence to
his anatomical horse and physical saddle-bags, I have nothing
more to say, and so, dear friends, I bid you all good-bye."




354              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Such was Rev. Elder Sprightly, who preached to us on Sabbath morning at the Camp.  Hence, it is not remarkable that
in common with many worthy persons, he should think his talents properly employed in using up "Johnny Calvin and his
boys;" especially as no subject is better for popularity at a
camp-meeting.  He gave us, accordingly, first, that affecting
story of Calvin and Servetus, in which the latter figured to-day
like a Christian Confessor and martyr, and the former as a diabolical persecutor; many moving incidents being introduced not
found in history, and many ingenious inferences and suppositions tending to blacken the Reformer's character. Judging
from the frequency of the deep groans, loud am ens, and noisy
hallelujahs of the congregation during the narrative, had Calvin
suddenly thrust in among us his hatchet face and goat's beard,
he would have been hissed and pelted, nay possibly, been
lynched and soused in the branch; while the excellent Servetus
would have been toted on our shoulders, and feasted in the tents
on fried ham, cold chicken fixins and horse sorrel pies!
Here is a specimen of Mr. S.'s mode of exciting triumphant exclamation, amens, groans, etc., against Calvin and his followers:
~ " Dear sisters, don't you love the tender
little darling babes that hang on your parental bosoms? (amen!)
-Yes! I know you do-(amen! amen!)-Yes I know, I know
it-(Amen, amen! hallelujah!)  Now don't it make your parental hearts throb with anguish to think those dear infantile
darlings might some day be out burning brush and fall into the
flames and be burned to death! (deep groans.)-Yes, it does, it
does! But oh! sisters, oh! mothers! how can you think your
babes mightn't get religion and die and be burned for ever and
ever   (0! forbid-amen-groans.)  But, oho! only thinkonly think, oh! would you ever a had them darling infantile
sucklings born, if you had a known they were to be burned in
a brush heap!  (No, no!-groans-shrieks.)  What.! what!
what! if you had foreknown they must have gone to hell!(hoho! hoho!-amen!)  And does anybody think He* is such
* We substitute words in place of the divine names-irreverently used often in sermons and prayers.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    355
a tyrant as to make spotless, innocent babies just to damn them?
(No! in a voice of thunder.)-No! sisters! no! no! mothers!
No! no! no! sinners no!!-he aint such a tyrant! Let John
Calvin burn, torture and roast, but He never foreordained babies, as Calvin says, to damnation! (damnation!-echoed by
hundreds.)-Hallelujah!'tis a free salvation!  Glory! a free
salvation!-(Here Mr. S. battered the rail of the pulpit with
his fists, and kicked the bottom with his feet-many screamedsome cried amen!-others groaned and hissed-and more than
a dozen females of two opposite colours arose and clapped their
hands as if engaged in starching, etc., etc.)  No-h-o!'tis a free,
a free, a free salvation!-away with Calvin!'tis for all! all!
ALL.  Yes! shout it out! clap on! rejoice! rejoice! oho-oho!
sinners, sinners, sinners, oh-ho-oho!" etc., etc.
Here was maintained for some minutes the most edifying
uproar of shouting, bellowing, crying, clapping and stamping,
mingled with hysterical laughing, termed out there "holy
laughing," and even dancing! and barking! called also "holy!"
-till, at the partial subsidence of the bedlam, the orator resumed his eloquence.
It is singular Mr. S. overlooked an objection to the divine
Providence arising from his own illustration. That children do
sometimes perish by being burnt and drowned, is undeniable;
yet is not their existence prevented-and that in the very case
where the sisters were induced to say they would have prevented their existence! But, in justice to Mr. S., we must say
that he seemed to have anticipated the objection, and to have
furnished the reply; for, said he, in one part of his discourse,
"God did not wish to foreknow some things!"
But our friend's mode of avoiding a predestined death-if
such an absurdity be supposed-deserves all praise for the
facility and simplicity of the contrivance.  "Let us," said he,
"for argument's sake, grant that I, the Rev. Elder Sprightly,
am foreordained to be drowned, in the river, at Smith's Ferry,
next Thursday morning, at twenty-two minutes after ten o'clock;
and suppose I know it; and suppose I am a free, moral, voluntary, accountable agent, as Calvinists say-do you think I'm




356               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
going to be drowned?  No!-I would stay at home all day;
and you'll never ketch the Rev. Elder Sprightly at Smith's
Ferry-nor near the river neither!"
Reader, is it any wonder Calvinism is on the decline?  Logic
it can stand; but human nature thus excited in opposition, it
cannot stand.  Hence, throughout our vast assembly to-day,
this unpopular ism, in spite of Calvin and the Epistle to the
Romans, was put down; if not by acclamation, yet by exclamation-by shouting-by roaring-by groaning and hissingby clapping and stamping-by laughing, and crying, and whining; and thus the end of the sermon was gained and the preacher
glorified!
The introductory discourse in the afternoon was by the Rev.
Remarkable Novus. This was a gentleman I had often the
pleasure of entertaining at my house in Woodville; and he was
a Christian in sentiment and feeling: for though properly and
decidedly a warm friend to his own sect. he was charitably disposed towards myself and others that differed from him ecclesiastically.  His talents were moderate; but his voice was
transcendentally excellent. It was rich, deep, mellow, liquid
and sonorous, and capable of any inflections. It could preserve
its melody in an unruffled flow, at a pitch far beyond the highest point reached by the best cultivated voices. His fancy,
naturally capricious, was indulged without restraint; yet not
being a learned or well-read man. he mistook words for ideas,
and hence employed without stint all the terms in his vocabulary for the commonest thoughts.  He believed, too, like most
of his brotherhood, that excitement and agitation were necessary
to conversion and of the essence of religion; and this, with a
proneness to delight in the music and witchery of his own
wonderful voice, made Mr. Novus an eccentric preacher, and
induced him often to excel at camp. meetings, the very extravagances of his clerical brethren, whom more than once he has
ridiculed and condemned at my fireside.
The camp-meeting was, in fact, too great a temptation for
my friend's temperament, and the very theatre for the full display of his magnificent voice; and naturally, this afternoon, off




THE NEW  PURCHASE                     357
he set at a tangent, interrupting the current of his sermon by
extemporaneous bursts of warning, entreaty, and exhortation.
Here is something like his discourse-yet done by me in a
subdued tone-as, I repeat, are most extravaganzas of the ecclesiastical and spiritual sort, not only here, but in all other parts
of the work.
" My text, dear hearers," said he, "on this auspicious, and
solemn, and heaven-ordered occasion, is that exhortation of the
inspired apostle,'Walk worthy of your vocation.'
" And what, my dear brethren, what do you imagine and conjecture our holy penman meant, by'walking2' Think ye he
meant a physical walking, and a moving, and a going backward
and forward thus   (represented by Mr. N.'s proceeding, or
rather marching, a l1 militaire, several times from  end to end
of the staging). No, sirs!-it was not a literal walking and
locomotion, a moving and agitating of the natural legs and
limbs.  No, sirs!-no!-but it was a moral, a spiritual, a religious, ay! yes! a philosophical and metaphorically figurative
walking, our holy apostle meant!
"Philosophic, did I say?  Yes: philosophic did I say.  For
religion is the most philosophical thing in the universe-ay!
throughout the whole expansive infinitude of the divine empire.
Tell me, deluded infidels and mistaken unbelievers! tell me,
ain't philosophy what's according to the consistency of nature's
regular laws? and what's more consentaneous and homogeneous
to man's sublimated moral nature, than religion?  Yes! tell
me! Yes! yes! Iam for a philosophical religion, and a philosophical religion is for me-ay! we are mutually made and
formed for this beautiful reciprocality!
" And yet some say we make too much noise-even some of
our respected Woodville merchants-(meaning the author). But
what's worth making a noise about in the dark mundane of our
terrestrial sphere, if religion ain't? People always, and everywhere in all places, make most noise about what they opine to
be most precious.  See! yon banner streaming with golden
stars and glorious stripes over congregated troops, on the fourth
of July, that ever-memorable-that never-to-be-forgotten day,




358              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
which celebrates the grand annual anniversary of our nation's
liberty and independence! when our forefathers and ancestors
burst asunder and tore forever off the iron chains of political
thraldom! and rose in plenitude, ay! in the magnificence of
their grandeur, and crushed their oppressors!-yes! and hurled
down dark despotism fiom the lofty pinnacle of its summit altitude, where she was seated on her liberty-crushing throne, and
hurled her out of her iron chariot, as her wheels thundered over
the prostrate slaves of power!-(Amen!)-Yes!-hark!-we
make a noise about that! But what's civil liberty to religious
liberty, and emancipated disenthraldom from the dark despotism
of yonder terrific prince of darkness! whose broad, black,
piniony wings spread wide o'er the serial concave, like a dense
cloud upon a murky sky? —(A-a-men!)-And aint it, ye men of
yards and measures, philosophical to make a noise about this --
(Amen!-yes!)-Yes! yes! and I aint ashamed to rejoice and
shout aloud.  Ay! as long as the prophet was ordered to stamp
with his foot, I will stamp with my foot;-(here he stamped till
the platform trembled for its safety)-and to smite with his
hand, I will smite with my hand-(slapping alternate hands on
alternate thighs.)-Yes! and I will shout too!-and cry aloud,
and spare not-glory! for-ever!-(and here his voice rang
out like the sweet, clear tones of a bugle).
" And, therefore, my dear sisters and brethren, let us walk
worthy of our vocation; not with the natural legs of the physical corporation, but in the apostolical way, with the metaphysical
and figurative legs of the mind-(here Mr. N. caught some one
smiling.)  Take care, sinner, take care! curl not the scornful
nose-I'm willing to be a fool for religion's sake-but turn not
up the scornful nose-do its ministers no harm! Sinner, mark
me!-in yon deep and tangled grove, where tall, aspiring trees
wave green and lofty heads in the free air of balmy skiesthere, sinner, an hour ago, when the sonorous horn called on
our embattled hosts to go to private prayer! an hour ago, in
yonder grove I knelt and prayed for you!-(hooh!)-yes! I
prayed some poor soul might be given for my hire!-and he
promised me one!-(Glory! glory!-ah! give him one!)



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  359
Laughing sinner!-take care! —I'll have you!-(Grant itamen!-ooohoo!)  Look out, Im going to fire-(assuming the
attitude of rifle-shooting)-bang!-may He send that through
your heart!-may i- pierce clean home through joints and marrow!-and let all the people say amen! —(and here amen was
said, and not in the tame style of the American Archbishop of
Canterbury's cathedral, be assured; but whether the spiritual
bullet hit the chap aimed at, I never learned; if it did, his
groans were inaudible in the alarming thunder of that amen).
" Ay! ay! that's the way! that's the way! don't be ashamed
of your vocation-that's the way to walk and let your light
shine! Now, some wise folks despise light, and call for miracles: but when we can't have one kind of light, let us be philosophical, and take another. For my part, when I'm bogging
about these dark woods, far away in the silent, sombre shadows,
I rejoice in sunshine; and would prefer it of choice, rather than
all other celestial and translucent luminaries: but when the gentle fanning zephyrs of the shadowy night breathe soft among
the trembling leaves and sprays of the darkening forests, then
I rejoice in moonshine: and when the moonshine dims and pales
away, with the waning silvery queen of heaven in her azure
zone, I look up to the blue concave of the circular vault, and
rejoice in star light. No! no! No! any light!-give us any
light rather than none! —(Ah, do, good!) Yes! yes! we
are the light of the world, and so let us let our light shine,
whether sunshine, or moonshine, or star light!-(oohoo!)-and
then the poor benighted sinner, bogging about this terraqueous,
but dark and mundane sphere, will have a light like a pole star
of the distant north, to point and guide him to the sun-lit
climes of yonder world of bright and blazing bliss!"(A-a-a-amen!)
Such is part of the sermon. His concluding prayer ended
thus:-(Divine names omitted).
"Oh! come down! come, come down! down! now!-tonight!-do wonders then! come down in might! come down
in power! let salvation roll! Come down! come! and let the
earthquaking mighty noise of thy thundering chariot wheels be




360              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
heard, and felt, and seen, and experienced in the warring elements of our spiritualized hearts!"
During the prayer, many petitions and expressions were so
rapturously and decidedly encored, that our fiiend kindly repeated them; and sometimes, like public singers, with handsome variations: and many petitions by amateur zealots were
put forth, without any notice of the current prayer offered by
Mir. N., yet evidently having in view some elegancy of his sermon. And not a few petitions, I regret to say, seemed to misapprehend the drift and scope of the preacher. One of this sort
was the earnest ejaculations of an old and worthy brother, who,
in a hollow, sepulchral, and rather growly voice, bellowed out
in a very beautiful part of the grand prayer-" Oohhoo! take
away moonshine!"
But our finest performance was to be at night: and at the first
toot of the tin horn, we assembled in expectation of a "good
time."  For 1. All day preparation had been making for the
night; and the actors seemed evidently in restraint, as in mere
rehearsal: 2. The night better suits displays and scenes of any
kind: but 3. The African was to preach; and rumour had said,
"he was a most powerful big preacher, that could stir up folks
mighty quick, and use up the ole feller in less than no time."
After prefatory prayers and hymns, and pithy exhortations
by several brothers of the Circassian breed, our dusky divine,
the Rev. Mizraim Ham, commenced his sermon, founded on the
duel between David and Goliath.
This discourse we shall condense into a few pages; although
the comedy or mellow-drama-for it greatly mellowed and relaxed the muscles-required for its entire action a full hour.
There was, indeed, a prologue; but the rest was mainly dialogue, in which Mr. Ham wonderfully personated all the different speakers, varying his tone, manner, attitude, etc., as varying
characters and circumstances demanded.  We fear much of the
spirit has evaporated in this condensation; but that evil is unavoidable.








,::>>?                   A           4' ~   ~.:?:~'           ~                           
~~~f~l    __  
]11V. MIZRAIM HAM  "DOING" DAVID  AND GOLIAII AT THE CATIP-AEETI.OG.
Page 361.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   361
ir. ^iiEmm  l~m^ Bi-faurt.
"Bruthurn and sisturn, tention, if you pleases, while I want
you for to understand this here battul most partiklur'zact, or
may be you moughtn't comprend um.  Furst place, I gwyin to
undevur to sarcumscribe fust the'cashin of this here 1attul:
second place, the'comdashins of the armies: third place, the
folkses as was gwyin for to fite and didn't want to, and some
did: and last and fourth place, I'm gwyin for to show purtiklur'zact them as fit juul, and git victry and git kill'd.
"Tention, if you pleases, while I fustly sarcumscribe the'casion of this here battul.  Bruthurn and sisturn, you see them
thar hethun Fillystines, what warn't circumcised, they wants to
ketch King Sol and his'ar folks for to make umn slave: and so
they cums down to pick a quorl, and begins a totin off all their
cawn, and wouldn't'low um to make no hoes to ho um, nor no
homnee.  And that'ar, you see, stick in King Solsis gizurd;
and he ups and says, says he,'I'm not gwying to be used up
that'ar away by them uncircumcis'd hethun Fillystines, and let
um tote off our folkses cawn to chuck to thar hogs, and take
away our hoes so we can't hoe urn —and so, Jonathun, we'll
drum up and list soljurs and try um a battul.' And then King
Sol and his'ar folks they goes up, and the hethun and theirn
comes down and makes war.  And this is the'cashin why
they fit.
"Tention'gin, if you pleases, I'm gwyin in the next place
secondly, to show the'comdashins of this here battul, which was
so fashin like. The Fillystines they had thar army up thar on
a mounting, and King Sol he had hissin over thar, like, across a
branch, amoss like that a one thar-(pointing)-and it was
chuck full of sling rock all along on the bottom. And so they
was both on um camp'd out; this a one on this'ar side, and
tother a one on tother, and the lilly branch tween umr-and
them's the'comdashins.
"Tention once more agin, as'caze next place thirdly I'm a
gwyin to give purtiklur'zact'count of sum folkses what fit and
16




362               THE  NEW  PURCIASE.
sum didn't want to.  And lubly sinnahs, maybe you minds um,
as how King Sol and his soljurs was pepper hot for fite when
he fust liss um; but now, lubly sinnahs, when they gits up to
the Fillystines, they cool off mighty quick, I tell you!'Caze
why?  I tell you; why,'caze a grate, big,. ugly ole jiunt, with
grate big eyes, so fashin-(Mr. Ham made giant's eyes here)he kums a rampin out a frunt'o them'ar rigiments, like the ole
devul a gwyin about like a half-starv'd lion a seeking to devour
poor lubly sinnahs! And he cum a jumpin and a tearin out so
fashin-(actions to suit)-to git sum  of King Solsis soljurs to
fite um juul: and King Sol, lubly bruthurn and sisturn, he gits
sker'd mighty quick, and he says to Jonathun and tother big
officers, says he-'I ain't a gwyin for to fite that grate big
fellah.' And arter that they ups and says-' We ain't a gwyin
for to fite um nuthur,'caze he's all kiver'd with sheetirun, and
his head's up so high we muss stand a hoss back to reach um!'
-the jiunt he was so big!!
" And then King Sol he quite down in the jaw, and he turn
and ax if somebody wouldn't hunt up a soljur as would fite juul
with um; and he'd give um his dawtah, the prinsuss, for wife,
and make um  king's son-in-law.  And then one old koretur,
they call him Abnah, he comes up and says to Sol so:' Please
your majustee, sir, I kin git a young fellah to fite um,' says he.
And Abnah tells how Davy had jist rid up in his carruge and
left um with the man what tend the hossis —and how he heern
Davy a quorl'n with his bruthurs and a wantun to fite the jiunt.
Then King Sol, he feel mighty glad, I tell you, sinnahs, and he
make um bring um up, and King Sol he begins a talkin so, and
Davy he answers so:
"' What's your name, lilly fellah?'
"' I was krissen'd Davy.'
"' Who's your farder'
"'They call um Jesse.'
"' What you follur for livin'
"' I tend my farder's sheep.'
"'What you kum arter?  Ain't you affeerd of that'ar grate
ugly ole jiunt up thar, lilly Davy?'




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    363
"' I kum  to see arter my udder brudurs, and bring urn in
our carruge some cheese and muttun, and some clene shirt and
trowser, and have tother ones wash'd.  And when I cum I hear
ole Goliawh a hollerin out for somebody to cum and fite juul
with un: and all the soljurs round thar they begins for to
make traks mighty quick, I tell you, please your majuste, sir,
for thar tents; but, says I, what you run for?  I'm not a gwyin
for to run away-if King Sol wants some body for to fite the
jiunt, I'll fite um for urn.'
"' I mighty feer'd, lilly Davy you too leetul for um-'
"No! King Sol, I kin lick um.  One day I gits asleep ahind
a rock, and out kums a lion and a bawr, and begins a totin off
a lilly lain; and when I heern urn roarin and pawin'bout, I
rubs my eyes and sees um gwyin to the mountings-and I arter
and ketch'd up and kill um both without no gun nor swordand I bring back poor lilly lamb.  I kin lick ole Goliawh, I tell
you, please your majuste, sir.'
"Then King Sol he wery glad, and pat um  on the head, and
calls um'lilly Davy,' and wants to put on um his own armur
made of brass and sheetirun and to take his sword, but Davy
didn't like um, but said he'd trust to his sling.  And then out
he goes to fite the ole jiunt; and this'ar brings me to the fourth
and last diwishin of our surmun.
" Tention once more agin, for lass time, as I'm gwyin to give
most purtikurlust'zactest'count of the juul atween lilly Davy
and ole Goliawh the jiunt, to show, lubly sinnah! how the Lord's
peepul without no carnul gun nor sword, can fite ole Bellzybub
and knock um over with the sling rock of prayer, as lilly Davy
knock over Goliawh with hissin out of the Bianch.
"And to'lusterut the juul and make um  spikus, I'll show'zactly how they talk'd, and jawd, and fit it all out: and so ole
Goliawh when he see Davy a kumun, he hollurs out so, and lilly
Davy he say back so:"'What you kum for, lilly Jew -?'
"' What I kum for?  you'll find out mighty quick, I tell you
-I kum for fite juul-'




364               "HIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"' Huhh! huhh! haw! —'tink I'm  gwyin to fite puttee lilly
baby?  I want King Sol or Abnah, or a big soljur man - 
"' Hole your jaw —I'll make you laugh tother side, ole
grizzle-gruzzle,'rectly-I'm  man enough for biggust jiunt Fillystine.'
"' Go way, poor lilly boy! go home, lilly baby, to your mudder, and git sugar plum-I no want kill puttee lilly boy —'
"' Kum on!-don't be afeerd!-don't go for to run away!I'll ketch'you and lick you  
"' You leetul raskul-I'll kuss you by all our gods-I'll cut
out your sassy tung-I'll break your blackguard jaw-I'll rip
you up and give um to the dogs and crows'
" Don't kuss so, ole Golly! I'sposed you wanted to fite juul
-so kum on with your old irun-pot hat on-you'll git belly full
mighty quick''You nasty leetle raskul, I'll kum  and kill you dead as
chopped sassudge.' "
H-ere the preacher represented the advance of the parties;
and gave a florid and wonderfully effective description of the
closing act partly by words and partly by pantomime; exhibiting innumerable marches and countermarches to get to windward, and all the postures, and gestures, and defiances, till at
last he personated David putting his hand into a bag for a
stone: and then making his cotton handkerchief into a sling, he
whirled it with fury half a dozen times around his head, and
then let fly with much skill at Goliath; and at the same instant
halloing with the phrenzy of a madman-" Hurraw! for lilly
Davy!"  At that cry he, with his left hand, struck himself a
violent slap on the forehead, to represent the blow of the slingstone hitting the giant; and then in person of Goliath he dropped
quasi dead upon the platform amid the deafening plaudits of
the congregation; all of whom, some spiritually, some sympathetically, and some carnally, took up the preacher's triumph
shoutHurraw! for lilly Davy!1"
How the Rev. Mizrainm Ham made his exit fiom the boards
I could nbt see-perhaps he rolled or crawled off.  But he did




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    365
not suffer decapitation, like " ole Golly:" since, in ten minutes,
his woolly pate suddenly popped up among the other sacred
heads that were visible over the front railing of the rostrum,
as all kept moving to and fro in the wild tossings of religious
phrenzy.
Scarcely had Mr. Ham  fallen at his post, when a venerable
old warrior, with matchless intrepidity, stepped into the vacated
spot; and without a sign of fear carried on the contest against
the Arch Fiend, whose great ally had been so recently overthrown-i. e., Goliath, (not Mr. Ham.)  Yet excited, as evidently was this veteran, he still could not forego his usual
introduction stating how  old he was; where he was born;
where he obtained religion; how long he had been a preacher;
how many miles he had travelled in a year; and when he
buried his wife-all of which edifying truths were received with
the usual applauses of a devout and enlightened assembly. But
this introduction over-which did not occupy more than fifteen
or twenty minutes-he began his attack in fine style, waxing
louder and louder as he proceeded, till he exceeded all the old
gentlemen to " holler" I ever heard, and indeed old ladies either.
Extart frum  i^s Visrnurs.
44" ~ —------       Yes, sinners! you'll all have to fall and
be knock'd down some time or nuther, like the great giant we've
heern tell on, when the Lord's sarvints come and fight agin you!
Oho! sinner! sinner-oh! —I hope you may be knock'd down
to-night-now!-this moment-and afore you die and go to
judgment! Yes! oho! yes! oh! —I say judgment-for it's
appinted once to die and then the judgment-oho! oh! And
what a time ther'll be then! You'll see all these here treesand them'are stars, and yonder silver moon a fire!-and all
the alliments a meltin and runnin down with fervent heat-ah!"
-(I have elsewhere stated that the unlearned preachers out
there (?) are by the vulgar-[not the poor]-but the vulgar,
supposed to be more favoured in preaching than man-made
preachers; and that the sign of an unlearned preacher's inspi



366              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
ration being in full blast is his inhalations, which puts an ah! to
the end of sentences, members, words, and even exclamations,
till his breath is all gone, and no more can be sucked in)" Oho! hoah! fervent heat-ah!-and the trumpit a soundin-ah!
-and the dead arisin-ah!-and all on us a flyin-ah!-to be
judged-ah!-Oohoah! sinner-sinner-sinner-ah! And what
do I see away tharah!-down the Massissipp-ah!-thar's a man
jist done a killin-ah!-another-ah!-and up he goes with his
bloody dagger-ah! And what's that I see to the East-ah!
where proud folks live clothed in purple-ah! and fine linen-ah!
-I see'em round a table a drinkin a decoction of Indian herbah!-and up they go with cups in thar hands-ah! and seeohoah!-see! in yonder doggery some a dancin-ah! and a fiddlin-ah!-and up they go-ah! with cards-ah! and fiddle-ah!"
etc., etc.
Here the tempest around drowned the voice of the old hero:
although, from the frantic violence of his gestures, the frightful
distortion of his features, and the Pythonic foam of his mouth,
he was plainly blazing away at the enemy.  The uproar, however, so far subsided as to allow my hearing his closing exhortation, which was this:
4"  ~Yes I say-fall down-fall down all of you, on your
knees!-shout!-cry aloud!-spare not!-stamp with the foot!
-smite with the hand! —down! cown!-that's it!-down
brethren!-down preachers!-down sisters! —pray away!take it by storm!-fire away! fire away! not one at a time!
not two together-ah!-a single shot the devil will dodge-ah!give it to him all at once-fire a whole platoon!-at him.!!"
And then such platoon firing as followed! If Satan stood
that, he can stand much more than the worthy folks thought
he could.  And, indeed, the effect was wonderful!-more than
forty thoughtless sinners that came for fun, and' twice as many
backsliders were instantly knocked over! —and there all lay,
some with violent jerkings and writhings of body, and some
uttering the most piercing and dismaying shrieks and groans!
The fact is, I was nearly knocked down myself~
"You?-Mr. Carlton!!"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   367
Yes-indeed-but not by the hail of spiritual shot falling so
thick around me: it was by a sudden rush towards my station,
where I stood mounted on a stump.  And this rush was occasioned by a wish to see a stout fellow lying on the straw in the
pen, a little to my left, groaning and praying, and yet kicking
and pummelling away as if scuffling with a sturdy antagonist.
Near him were several men and women at prayer, and one or
more whispering into his ear; while on a small stump above,
stood a person superintending the contest, and so as to ensure
victory to the right party. Now the prostrate man, who like
a spirited tom-cat seemed to fight best on his back, was no other
than our celebrated New Purchase bully-Rowdy Bill! And
this being reported through the congregation, the rush had taken
place by which I was so nearly overturned. I contrived, however, to regain my stand, shared indeed now, with several
others, we hugging one another and standing on tip-toes and
our necks elongated as possible; and thus we managed to have
a pretty fair view of matters.
About this time the Superintendent in a very loud voice
cried out-" Let him alone, brothers! let him alone sisters!keep on praying!-it's a hard fight-the devil's got a tight grip
yet! He don't want to lose poor Bill-but he'll let go soonBill's gittin the better on him fast! —Pray away!"
Rowdy Bill, be it known, was famous as a gouger, and so
expert was he in his antioptical vocation, that in a few moments
he usually bored out an antagonist's eyes, or made him cry
peccavi. Indeed, could he, on the present occasion, have laid
hold of his unseen foe's head-spiritually we mean-he would
-figuratively of course-soon have caused him to ease off or let
go entirely his metaphorical grip. So, however, thought one
friend in the assembly-Bill's wife.  For Bill was a man after
her own heart; and she often said that "with fair play she sentimentally allowed her Bill could lick are a man in the'varsal
world, and his weight in wild cats to boot." Hence, the kindhearted creature, hearing that Bill was actually fighting with
the evil one, had pressed in from the outskirts to see fair play;
but now hearing Bill was in reality down, and apparently under



368              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
most, and above all, the words of the Superintendent, declaring
that the fiend had a tight grip of the poor fellow, her excitement would no longer be controlled; and, collecting her vocal
energies, she screamed out her common exhortation to Bill, and
which, when heeded, had heretofore secured him immediate victories-" Gouge him, Billy!-gouge him, Billy!-gouge him!"
This spirited exclamation was instantly shouted by Bill's
cronies and partisans-mischieveously, maybe, for we have no
right to judge of men's motives, in meetings:-but a fewfriends, doubtless, of the old fellow —cried out in a very irreverent tone-" Bite him! devil-bite him!"  Upon which the
faithful wife, in a tone of voice that beggars description, reiterated her-" Gouge him," etc.-in which she was again joined by
her husband's allies, and that to the alarm of his invisible foe
for Bill now rose to his knees, and on uttering some mystic
jargon symptomatic of conversion, he was said to have " got religion;"-and then all his new friends and spiritual guides united
in fresh prayers and shouts of thanksgiving.
It was now very late at night; and joining a few other citizens
of Woodville, we were soon in our saddles and buried in the
darkness of the forest. For a long time, however, the uproar
of the spiritual elements at the camp continued at intervals to
swell and diminish on the hearing; and, often came a yell that
rose far above the united din of other screams and outcries.
Nay, at the distance of nearly two miles, could be distinguished
a remarkable and sonorous oh!Ilike the faintly heard explosion of a mighty elocutional class, practising under a master.
And yet my comrades, who had heard this peculiar cry more
than once, all declared that this wonderful oh-ing was performed by the separate voice of our townsman, Eolus Letherlung, Esq.!
CONCLUSION:
A camp-meeting of this sort is, all things considered, the very
best contrivance for making the largest number of converts in
the shortest possible time; and also for enlarging most speedily
the bounds of a Church Visible and Militant.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   369
CHAPTER XLIX.
" Amor vincit omnia."
"Love laughs at locksmiths I"
OUR present chapter treats of love and matrimony.
Doubtless it has occurred to the reader, that John Glenville
is yet a bachelor, and ought to be looking out for a wife. Now,
although John was never overhead and ears in love, he yet was
alwaysffalling into it-knee deep at least; but as yet, he had
never found anybody for help-meet, though several were disposed to be help-mates.
My friend had, indeed, often gone " a gallin" among our logcabin beauties; and sometimes received answers so serious to
his sportive questions as to make his backing out very difficult
and ungraceful.  For instance, he once accompanied Peggy
home from  a night-meeting; and on reaching the cabin she
paused a moment by the wood-pile, when John playfully said:
"Well, Peggy, I've a notion to go in and court awhile; what
do you say to it?"
" Well-maybe you mought, and maybe you mought'nt-"
"Why? has anybody cut me out?"
"Hey 3"
"Perhaps somebody else is gallin down here V"
"Perhaps thar is, and perhaps thar isn't."
"Awh! come Peggy, do tell me."
Here Peggy looked down in some perplexity, as balancing
uncertainties; and after kicking up a large heap of chips with
the toe of her shoe, she seemed to have arrived at the conclusion-" a bird in the hand," etc.-and, therefore, modestly answered:
"Well, John-I'm a kinder sorter courted like, and a kinder
sorter not like-but I'm more a kinder sorter not, nor a kinder
16*




370              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
sorter-and I allow you'd better step in and see daddy; tain't
late-although mammy's in bed."
Of course, John got out as awkwardly as we end his adventure.
But once Glenville was caught more effectually, and much
more to his surprise; and yet, he backed out with some ingenuity. The lady, however, had ultimately her revenge.  He
was on a visit of business in an adjoining State, when he was invited by the celebrated Mr. Brown, to spend a few days at his
house.  Here he became naturally interested in Miss Brown,
the daughter-a young lady of some beauty, of much good
nature, of good talents, and mistress of many useful acquirements, besides several ornamental branches.
In an unguarded moment, John sportively popped the question, or rather popped at the question, by wondering how Miss
B. would like to live in a cabin with such a Hoosier as himself;
to which Paddy's hint, Miss B. too seriously intimated, that
Mr. G. had better consult her father on such points.  Now,
generous reader, Glenville was by no means ready to forsake
father and mother at that time; and the cabin alluded to was
so open and unchinked, that poverty could, easily enough, have
crept in all around, and love gone flying out through an hundred crevices in addition to the doors and window. In plain
English, the fellow was too poor to ask any woman to share his
poverty; unless she belonged to the Range, was used " to
chinkin and daubin, and to makin huntin shirts and lether
brichis:" hence, after musing on the affair the whole night, he
seized an opportunity the next morning, of renewing with Miss
B. the colloquy of the previous afternoon.  In this he painted,
in true colours, the cheerlessness of his rude cabin and his half
hunter's life, and the privations and sufferings to which such a
man's wife would necessarily be subjected; and then, with some
ingenuity-certainly with some boldness-he wished to know
if such a man ought to ask any kind parent, in affluent circumstances, to send away an amiable and beloved daughter.
To his relief, Miss B., with a slight betrayal of surpriseJohn said " mortification"-agreed with him; but after this his




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  371
situation was so awkward, that he left Mr. Brown's mansion
that very day. Here, therefore, is another proof that some
things can be done as well as others; and while this affair is
not quite so odd as that of Deerslayer and Judith, yet it shows
the difference between truth and fiction.
Well, the present winter, Glenville being often on visits to
Woodville, and circumstances existing to alter cases, we frequently rallied the bachelor on his courtships; and more than
once, in full assembly, voted that he must, and should forthwith
go and find a wife. To all this he opposed the stale replies,
that he was too old now-could find nobody to suit him-and
that such as would suit would not have him-till at last he consented, if I could find the proper person, and persuade her to
have him, he would marry.
Accordingly, one night, after such a discussion, Glenville and
myself sat alone by the fire, when the following talk went on in
continuation of the subject:"But, Glenville, are you really serious V"
"Yes, Carlton, I am really serious."
"Still, you would not marry if you did not love?"
"Well-I'm not quite so sure there. At all events, I shall
easily love any girl you will choose-especially if you choose
Miss Brown."
"Come, John, be candid-did you ever truly love her?"
"More, perhaps, than I ever loved any one before."
"And why did you back out so foolishly?"
" For the very reasons I have a thousand times told you. I
was too poor-my home too utterly dreary to take such a girl
to-and if I had ever dreamed my jesting manner would have
been mistaken, I should have been far enough from trifling with
her - "
" Suppose she had seemed willing next morning?"
" I would have consulted her father, unquestionably —but for
the daughter's sake, I should have regretted his consent."
"Well, Glenville, what do you say to Miss Smythe? —I
think she feels tender towards you."
"She would do: —and with a little practice I should love her




372              THIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
as well as most men love their wives.  But Carlton, the Squire
has been cutting round there the last six months, and _ "
"No odds-suppose you try?"
"Willingly, if I thought there was any chance; but, in the
first place, maybe she's engaged-next, maybe she might not
want me-and so I do not like to lose my time, and run risk,
and -"
"Tut! tut!-you need not waste any time; for I'll write a
love-letter for you; and as to the other objection, I'll bet a coonskin you're too modest, and the girl, if disengaged, will have
you."
" Carlton! —ill you write such a letter?  If you will, I'll
deliver it."
"Done!-and I'll write you as many more as you like."
"Suppose, then, you do another for Miss Brown? and so I
shall have two snaps."
"Agreed-when shall I do them 2"
"Any time between this and next Saturday.  I shall be in
Woodville, then, you know-so'tis settled-come, I'm  tired,
let's go to bed."
The two letters were duly concocted, the first one to be delivered to Miss Smythe, the other, in case of the first failing, was
to be sent to Miss Brown; but if Miss S. was disengaged and
smiled propitious, John was, to all intents and purposes, a married man; and Miss Brown was to have no opportunity of revenge.
The letter for Miss Smythe was as follows:
"Miss E. A. SMYTHE,
"A  knowledge of your character, derived from  mutual
friends, from the opinion of all your acquaintances, and also
from a somewhat intimate personal acquaintance, induces me to
believe that such a lady would fill the vacancy in my domestic
establishment most perfectly and delightfully:-although I am
not vain enough to suppose Miss Smythe will necessarily feel
herself flattered by such a preference on the part of the writer.
As, however, Miss S. on better acquaintance, might become in



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   373
terested in him-more so at least than he fears she is at present
-he very respectfully, yet most earnestly, craves permission to
pay his addresses in person.
"Very truly, your humble servant,
"But great admirer,
" JOHN GLENVILLE."
The letter to Miss Brown, or rather for her, as it was addressed to the father, was this:"MY DEAR SIR,
" In a playful conversation on a subject so common when unmarried persons meet, your daughter, Miss Brown, in a jesting
manner, remarked, that she always referred gentlemen to her
father-as his choice would always be hers. What was jest
with her, with me would have become very solemn earnest, had
I then to offer any thing beyond my hand and my heart, to induce such a girl to leave such a home.  Happily, circumstances
are now favourably altered; and willingly now would I ask
that father for his daughter could I flatter myself the daughter
could be induced to gladden and adorn a hearth, which, however
warm in one sense, must be yet cold and cheerless without the
love of a bosom friend.  And such a friend would Miss Brown
prove: and, dear sir, if you think such a match suitable for
your lovely daughter, I sincerely entreat the communication of
your favourable opinion to her in my behalf-hoping that the
daughter's choice then may be as the father's.
I have, sir, the honour to be
"Your obedient servant,
"J. GLENVILLE."
On Saturday Glenville came; when after reading, criticising,
correcting and laughing, he took copies of the letters; it being
arranged that he put one in each coat pocket, and on waiting
next day on Miss Smythe from church, he should, at a proper
time, hand her the proper letter. And all this he accordingly
did, and with no greater blunder than putting his hand into the




374               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Brown pocket, and pulling out the wrong letter-which, if he
had also delivered it to Miss Smythe, would have made our book
still more interesting-but he fortunately corrected his error in
time, and prevented a very handsome laugh at our expense.
To save Miss S. the awkwardness of a special messenger, and
to avoid prying eyes at the post-office, Glenville, on bowing
adieu at the lady's door, stated that he would call in person next
morning for an answer.  At that time, therefore, after lots of
speculating as to the style and manner of the answer, Glenville,
with Miss Brown's letter in his pocket, and anxious not to be
too early for the lady's convenience, nor too late for the ardent
affection he intended to have; marched off very bravely, looking
back once or twice and shaking his fist as he caught sight of our
cachinating faces.
Well, in due season he returned-but what pen or pencil can
give the odd expression of that face?
"Well, Glenville, what luck?"-(Can I ever forget the peculiar intonation, emphasis, inflection of that answer?)
"Engaged!"
"Is it possible!-but if she had not been, what then?"
"Bah!-do you think I asked her 2"
"Why not?-I should like to know what she thinks of you."
"Why not! In case she did not fancy me, was I going to
suffer a double refusal, when one is decisive?"
" Haw! ha! he!* but what have you done with Miss Brown's
letter?"
"Dropp'd it in the office as I came along; and there's a
chance for Miss Brown to have her revenge.  Bet a dollar she
says no!"
The case of my friend was like that of the school boy, who
described his disappointment in a composition, which we shall
here introduce to fill up the time till the return mail.
* We do not expect the reader to lauglh here, unless he is so disposed-I only
laughed at the time because I could not help it.




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   375
" ^mpnittii uu  alitthg.'
" The other morning I went out a hunting with father's duckgun what he brung out from Kentucky; but as I had no luck, I
allowed I might as well put off for home; and so I turn about
and goes towards home. As I come to the edge of our clearin,
what should I see away off on the top of a dead walnut, but a
black crow! And so I makes up my mind to try and hit him.
The critter was more nor three hundred yards from me; but I
insinuates myself along as near as two hundred yards to the
feller; when he begins a showing signs of flittin: and so I trees
where I was in a minute. Well, I determines to try him thare,
although'twas near as good as desperut to try a black crow that
distance with a shot-gun; although father's duck-gun's the most
powerful shot-gun in the Purchis.  Howsomdever, I wanted the
load out; and I thought I might as well fire that way as any
other-and so up I draws the piece very careful, and begins a
takin aim, thinking all the while I shouldn't hit him: still I tuk
the most exactest aim, as if I should; when just then he hops
about two feet nearer my way, as if to get a look round my
tree, where he smelt powder-and then, thinking all the time,
as I said, I shouldn't hit him, as the distance was so most powerful fur, I blazed away!-and sure enough, as I'm alive-I didn,'t
hit him!"
Now Glenville, from the distance of his second shot, insisted
he should never hit: yet how near he came may be conjectured
from the following replies to his epistle:"JOHN GLENVILLE, ESQ."Dear Sir*    *    *    *    *    *    *  and the inclosed
from my daughter, to whom was handed your late communication, contains, I presume, the most satisfactory answer,
*    *    *    *    and    *    *    * 
"Yours, very respectfully, etc.,
" REDMAN GREEN BROWN."




376              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Now, this sentence in the envelope containing a sealed letter
from Miss Brown, brought " the crow about two feet nearer:"
and John's eyes began to sparkle, although he continued humbly
affirming that the sealed epistle contained —" No "'
" SIR:" I honour you for honesty, as I am satisfied you assign true
reasons for not taking one to share your home; although the
reasons themselves can never seem satisfactory where one was
willing to share another's heart. For, like most girls in their
days of romance, that one cared to find only a heart when she
married.  As my own home is sufficiently comfortable, there
can be no inducement to wish another, however comfortable, in
the New Purchase; and where its owner seems to think' altered circumstances' are important in winning a woman's love.
But to show that kindness is estimated that would spare my
delicacy, by leading my dear father to think all our conversation
had been sportive, I do hereby most cordially-(here John
looked! oh! I tell you what!)-invite you to our Christmas
festivities, when the writer changes her name from Mary Brown
to Mary Burleigh."
"There, Carlton! I told you so-I said it would be-no!
And yet secretly did I wish,-ay!-that the answer could beyes! I am  glad the girl has her revenge; but still I have
known too many hardships not to feel happy in the reflection,
that one I did love a little, and could now love a great deal, has
never been called to share them."
And so after all, reader, our chapter ends without a wedding!
proving how hard it is to get an old bachelor married. Another year we may, perhaps, be more successful.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     377
CHAPTER L.
FIFTH YEAR.
"The three I's-Readin, Ritin, Rithmetic."
London Alderman's Toast.
*****                 **  *
" I saw a smith stand with his hammer thusThe whilst his iron did on the anvil cool,
With open mouth swallowing a tailor's news."
A GREAT quarrel between the Rev. C. Clarence and the Commonwealth of Woodville, was in reference to the kind of education fit for Hoosiers, Woolverines, and other true democrats.
Our man of learning contended for a liberal and thorough discipline of the mind; while we insisted on a practical education.
He argued that no course of education paid for by the government, ought to have exclusive regard to any class, or to any one
art, trade, or profession: but that where the State furnished the
means, the best intellectual education should be given both to
the poor and the rich. Nay, he even affirmed that men ought
not to be trained as mere Americans, and much less as mere
western or eastern citizens; but as men of the world, as gentlemen, as Christians.
About this time Mind, having been accommodated with a pair
of legs, and the said legs being fitted with seven league boots,
had marched our way, and was now marking time very furiously
in the Purchase. Indeed, we began to be born in circumstances
favourable to sucking in thought, or something else, from maternal breasts; and by the aid of patent books and machinery we
now obtained as much knowledge by the time we could carry a
rifle, or tree a racoon, as our grandmothers had acquired in a
long life! All this was real American, United States' learning!-useful, practical stuff! —such as would enable a fellow to
get his own bread and butter; or in New Purchase terms, his
hog and hominy!




378              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
In the far east, it is true, circumstances demanded many
knowledges. But in the Purchase, utility required little beyond
the learned alderman's R. R, R.; except a little " Jografee,"
and " Surveyin" enough to run lines around a quarter section:
which were " naterally allowed to be a sorter useful like."
Nor was our inference to be blamed, if education be, as it has
been made for the last twenty-five years, and is to be made for
the next fifty, a thing of utility, latitudes and meridians; for
we New Purchase folks lived, not as folks at Boston, or New
York; and did not, hence, need the same kind of education.
Nor cared we for other people's notions, being content with our
own. If the Great North American United States Theories and
Systems are founded in true philosophy, then the Rev. Charles
Clarence, A. M. should have come down from his stilts, and become popular and useful, and have educated us as we wished,
and not as we ought to be. And many were the friends he
would have bought; ay, and he could have made some money
too, had he spoken in favour of Patent Picture Books that represented truth and falsehood too, enigmatically; and had he
abused classical learning! Had he delivered twattle! or sent
two boxes of dried bugs! or a chest of flints! with a pair of
globes, a double wooden cone, and other toys to common
schools! And had he not advocated heathen establishments,
where children read about Jupiter, and Venus, and other he and
she divinities, instead of those noble, man-confiding, common
schools, which in some places so abhor all gods, as to acknowledge none either by public prayer, or the reading of a Divine
Revelation!
Fortunate times! when a politician may acquire reputation
for all learning and patriotism, and wisdom, and philanthropy,
by making a fourth rate plagiarized speech before some third
rate Lyceum in favour of Practical American Eddcation! Or
by sending five and a half dollars worth of pebbles and toy
machinery to the People's School to impart the knowledges!
Alas! Clarence, little believed I once in your predictions!
We thought you an ill boding crow! And yet Classical Learning with all its generous, manly, and intellectual cognates is in




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    379
most places dead-in all dying! In his last letter Clarence
himself thus writes:~-   -" I am  now in an incorporated classical and
mathematical academy at the capital of a boastful little Statea school where once numerous pupils were disciplined in my
favourite system, and in due time became men. But' Othello's
occupation's gone!' I have only three pupils professedly studying even Latin! and that only to understand law terms!  The
rest are literally in the R. R. R. and Jogerfree! Indeed, in a
population of some twelve thousand bodies, we can count but
twelve souls as classical scholars in any of the schools, public or
private! So much for utilitarianism.  It pulls down; it never
has, it never can build up! It will hardly go to heaven if not
paid for it!  Carlton! are we out of the woods?  Has that
impudent far famed Theory of Practical Education, made us, as
was promised, happier and better?  After all, are there not
very many illiterate fellows worth immense estates, who can
barely'read, rite, and sifer?' and who are vastly richer than
the best utilitarian school system ever made any body? After
all, an education in mental discipline, in the good old way, is
the best for practical uses; and if a disciplined man fail in
making money or gaining worldly honours, he never can fail, if
virtuous, in possessing his intellectual superiority and its concomitant joys; but my paper is out.  Farewell."
Yes, Clarence, you were right and we wrong. Well do I remember your lectures and conversations, in which you insisted
it was wrong to appeal so exclusively to the selfish and political feelings and views, and thus coax men to have schools.
How you argued that whole communities, if disappointed in
immediate and profitable results, came soon to ask " cui bono V"
not only as to the classics, but even as to the sacred R. R. R.
themselves.  For what was else to be expected, when virtue
itself was valued as it was found useful; and. honesty practised
and tolerated, because the best policy?
Yes! yes! thy mantle is fallen upon me! the puerile picture
book, the question and answer, the no-studying, the cheap as




380              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
dirt, and nearly as worthless systems, shall all themselves come
in due time to be neglected!
Our professor, however, did persuade a few to lay the proper
foundation of mental discipline in the proper union of classical
and abstract mathematical studies. And so well did he cause
to appear the few thus persuaded, in contrast to equals restricted elsewhere to the beggarly elements of a good (?) English
education; and so manifest had it become, that the R. R. R.
and other common and even uncommon English branches could
all be acquired, while pupils were laying the proper foundation,
that not only were some of the Woodville commonwealth induced to try " the high and big-bug larnin," but pupils for the
same purpose began to come from abroad.  And these were
styled Foreign and Strange Students.
And then, dear reader, as moneys came in, you have no idea
how converts increased to the doctrine of College-utility! for
none could deny the utility! It was tangible, visible, audible!
With our own eyes we saw Cash! handled it with our fingers!
heard it jingle with our ears! And all at once " high larning"
became as popular as common schools. It was equal to a productive system, or grammar! It raised the wind! It brought
the rhino! Only show that a school, an academy, a college, or,
a church, will advance the value of town lots —bring in more
consumers-create a demand for beef, cloth, pepper and salt,
powder and shot; then, from  the vulgar plebeian dealing in
shoe-leather, up to the American nobleman dealing in shops, and
who retails butter and eggs, we shall hear one spontaneous voice
in favour!
But wo, Pedagogue, if all are not speedily benefited by your
school! Wo! if town lots rise not! if boots are not worn with
dandy heels! if every body that has one spare room and two
garrets, obtains not boarders! if cloth sells not ever so many
hundred per cent above cost! if, in short, you enrich not all
your dear fellow-townsmen!-then shall you hear the growlings
of swine-like selfishness, and be asked " what's the use of
learning 2"   Then shall you be complimented with many




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   381
honorary titles, as "pitiful schemer!" —" book worm!"-" idle
rascal!"
The star of Clarence was, however, on the ascendant; and he
that had introduced " the Yankee trick" of exacting written excuses, was suddenly discovered to be "a powerful and mighty
clever feller!"  And his "high larn'd idees" had more good in
them than one could have conjectured! But when two gentlemen from a slave State appeared in Woodville, at the opening
of this summer's session, and not merely with three boys as
new scholars, but with the avowed intentions of buying town
lots and living with us till the education of their sons should be
completed; and when these gentlemen were seen in broadcloth coats with yellow buttons, and canton crape pantaloons,
walking round and examining sites for dwellings-then was the
college extolled to the very heavens! And Clarence! what
did he not become?  If not a demi-god, at least within a fourth
of it-a veritable semi-demi-one, a genuine terrestrial quarterdeus!
Poor fellow! he was a little inflated by the popular breath;
and mistaking the vox populi for the vox dei, he said the college
was safe! and that Providence had some remarkably excellent
things in view for the great valley of the Mississippi in general,
and for our portion of it in particular! Ah! enthusiast! how
you made us thrill with your paintings of our future   How
you thanked heaven for casting your lot among us! and
dreamed of sumptuous edifices for colleges! and libraries! and
apparatus! and crowded recitation rooms!  You lost sight of
your own principles, and thought pyramids could be built on
air! Happily, my friend's day-dreaming was soon dispelled,
or he would have been ruined.  As it was, he increased his own
library many fold. He bought Minoras, and Majoras, and
Homers, and Ciceros, and lexicons, and concordances, and antiquities, and anthologies, and architectures-and would have
ordered the whole stock of the Harpers' and Appletons' of the
day-as if selfishness in a community was the basis for a large
library, any more than for a liberal, manly, gentlemanly, and
Christian education!




382               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
In these pleasing circumstances, our Principal relaxed not the
reins of wholesome discipline. And at this very juncture, our
Faculty had promulged a decree against something; but on
finding both public and private admonition unavailing, they advertised that the next transgression would be visited by a brief
suspension.  On the very next day two pupils were seen by
both masters, and in the very act of disobedience; and of
course Crabstick and Thorntree were suspended for-twentyfour hours!
Many things create surprise in our mysterious world, which
are followed, some by contempt, others by indignation and rage.
A tom-cat exquisite leaps lightly on a toilette before a glass,
and for the first sees a rival waving a taper tail, arching a velvet
back, and purring with the most provoking complacency-all
where he had reigned alone! His eye dilates with amazement!
yet in a moment he intrudes his nose behind the mirror and the
antagonist cat is vanished!  And Tom  ever after treats such
semblances with the coolest indifference.
Not so Haw-Buck, who came into town to see the battle of
Bunker Hill. His surprise was followed with indignation at
the reckless chaps that handled fire-arms so carelessly.  "Why
darn'em," as he took off his ram-beaver and saw a hole in its
cylinder, "why darn'em! if they hain't a firin bullits!"
The surprise of Woodville, in its consequences, was analogous,
not to that of pussy, but of Haw-Buck. The pupils generally
heard the sentence with a look that said-" we allow the masters don't know what they are doing!"-while Crabstick and
Thorntree left the room in manifest indignation   And then, in
a few hours, the fama clamosa was conveyed to every man,
woman and child in all Woodville; and in a few more, to every
one in our whole settlement!
At first, our community was dumb!  Yard-sticks were arrested in admeasurements! Needles stood with thread in the
eye! Wax-ends stuck in awl-holes!  Planes, hammers, axes,
saws, and other industrious implements ceased operating!
and our folks hurried forth to unite wonders! Every store became crowded; and every bar-room  and doggery! Knots of
V-V~I IVI~ ~-V  V~-J  V1 —VV~4IIIZVCMV.I




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   383
wise persons gathered at every corner; and all places were full
of winks, shrugs, elevated eyebrows, puckered mouths, and
quivering noses!
It was soon rumoured that Thorntree, a foreign student, had
hired a horse from Liebug, and in an uncontrollable fit of dudgeons gone home to his father, Major Thorntree. And then, if
our regulators had, like the ass in one of his phases, been
dumb, they now imitated him in another; for no unanimous
braying of a herd of donkeys could equal the hideous outcries
of my townsmen!
My store was always a head quarters, for I was a leading
trustee; beside we were liberal in the nut and apple line; and
also gave, often, third-rate raisins to women and children, and
fragments of lead, or a second-rate flint to a chap. But above
all "Carltin was the feller to play the flute and the fiddle, and
his ole woman, the body what could rattle the pianny!"  For
some days, our store was now jammed with representatives
extra from all the arts, trades, and professions; yes, and ages
and sexes; and I was worn down with talking and hearing, but
without selling a dollar's worth. I took some revenge, indeed,
by giving away no goodies, and hinting to some of the most
violent and abusive a settlement of accounts.
prrimns  nf' ak
"I say, Mr. Carltin, ain't you goin to put the fellers out?"
"Put out! why?"
" Why!-why it's plain enuf they've gone on like'ristecrats
-and won't it take away a poor man's livin V"
"Just the other way, if all was understood - "
"Didn't Thorntree get boots of me?"
"Yes-and cakes and candy at our shop?"
"And what's more to the pint, Carltin, won't the Major go
agin us next legislatur?"
"Well-arter all, what did the studints do? only break a
paltry Yankee reg'lashin for five minits or so?"




384              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
"Yes-and the master down our settlemint says'he never
heern tell of sich a rule; and he's sentimentally of opinion it's
a robbin a boy of his money by keepin him out a school for
nothun no how 
"I tell you what, I heern Bob say he expects Squire Brompton is goin agin'em-Clarinse and all  ~  "
" That's my sentiments,'cos Major Thorntree --  "
" No-that's not the why; but Bob thinks the Squire won't
sell his lots to them what's to be new comers   "
"Have the gentlemen given up the bargain?"
" Well, I don't know as they has; but Bob says he expects
the Squire will think so  "
"What's Sylvan say, Carltin?"
" I have not heard him say any thing."
"You ain't! well, Jake says ole man Hazel told his son's wife,
that the doctor tell him the Fakilty had been too quick     "
" I do not believe it; for the Faculty acted with the utmost
deliberation, and -'
" Yes-you always stick to thar side; but darn my leggins,
if I ain't powerful glad they did something to turn them out."
"Why?"
"Bekase they're sectarians and rats; and it's high time the
rest on us had a chance.'Rotashin in offus,' as ole Hickery
Face says-' rotashin for ever!'"
" Pick my flint! if I didn't always say they'd do some highhand something some day, as soon as Clarinse made Polly's
step-son bring excusis on paper in hand-rite!"
" Joe Patchin, is Crabstick and Thorntree goin to come back
-did you a sort a hear 2"
"Crabstick is, maybe-but not tother."
"Why?"
"'Cos he said to Liebug when he hired his hoss, says he, I
hope I may be rowed up Salt River if ever I cum back agin to
school any more, if the trustees don't turn out Clarinse and
Harwood!'"
3*      *       *       *       *       *       *




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     385
"And so, Mr. Caritin, your Board's a goin to meet!"
"Yes, the Major is here with his son, and they insist on a
meeting to see who is to blame       "
"Bust my rifle! we'll dog out the rats now!"
"Yes, Ned, but if the Faculty have done right  "
"Carltin!-you're a honest sort a feller-but bust my rifle!
if I ever run up a'count agin in your'are store, if you vote for
the fakilty-fellers."
"Ned!-I'm  sorry you would bribe me to do wrong; but,
Ned, a man's bribe is not very powerful, as long as his old
account is not paid-    "
" You needn't a be a hintin round that a way, Carltin-I'll
pay you now, if you'll take all trade-and bust my rifle! if I'll
ever buy a pound a lead in this'ere store agin, no how!"
**' *                                 *        *
Such are selections from  our many long, boisterous, and
angry dialogues. But pass we to the next chapter, which narrates the meeting of our Board.
CHAPTER LI.
F'Vox populi I
"Look, as I blow this feather from my face,
And, as the air blows it to me again,
Obeying with my wind when I do blow,
And yielding to another when it blows,
Commanded always by the greater gust;
Such is the likeness of your common men!"
MAJOR THORNTREE having come a wearisome journey, from
a love of justice and to promote the welfare of Woodvilleand so he always insisted-our Board could but consent to a
meeting; especially when the Major expressed his fears that
certain statesmen might unhappily influence the next Legisla17




386              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
ture to remove the College, unless the Faculty were better
watched and governed. Beside, from the report of his son, who
was a very honest boy and never said anything to a person's
prejudice, and from what had been stated to himself since his
arrival, by some worthy citizens of Woodville, the Major really
believed-so he said-that there had been gross mismanagement in general by the Faculty, and much shameless partiality,
and at the expense of his son particularly. He thought, too,
his son's punishment was for a very trivial offence, and had
been rash, and perhaps, malicious; at all events, it was excessive and arbitrary, aristocratic and unconstitutional; hence,
such things must be crushed and resisted now, or there would
be a speedy union of Church and State.
We, therefore, met.  And, first, were canvassed and rejected
many propositions suggested to us by different ones of our
numerous lobby-members.  Among these proposals were some
remarkable for boldness, simplicity and ingenuity; such as
"turn'em  rite out!"-" send'em  packin!"-" pay'em  and
have done with'em!-" don't pay'em no how!"-" sue for
damejis!"  But it was finally determined by our honourable
visitor, the Major, that we should summon the Faculty and hear
their defence!  Nay-he was even willing to have a trial; as
he said witnesses were in attendance from the citizens, and he
thought it proper also to call on all the students for their opinion and testimony!
About the same time, Charles Clarence was employed in
castle building; or what was the same sort of architecture in
the Purchase-in College building; being seated on "a cloud
capt tower" of sublime and solemn view! But awaked by the
braying discord of Woodville, he started from his dream! and
spite of all past experience he was momentarily amazed! He
had caught a new glimpse of a many-headed monster! and its
enormous tail! He became sick at heart! He seemed in a
vacuum-as if all the air was blowing from around him! Yet,
soon he recalled important truths, such as-" cease from man,
whose breath is in his nostrils!"-" put not your trust in
princes!"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   387
And when the first bitterness of the soul was past, he remem
bered his Divine Master; who did good to the wicked and
thankless! yea, to enemies! And he thought the very folly
and ignorance and malice and idleness of a community, were
the very things Christ's servants must strive to enlighten, re
move, correct, instruct! Ashamed then of his momentary
alarm, he recalled the noble saying of an ancient statesman and
warrior, who builded a wall in troublesome times; and he
resolved to imitate, and like him said-" What! shall such a
man as I flee!"
Meanwhile, rumour had been tramping about with her crescit
eundb; and, long before the Faculty received our Scytala, they
had heard her cry-" The Board has told Major Thorntree, the
Faculty shall be tried and turned right out, and shall be sued
for damages done the school, the State, and — Woodville, by
their unconstitutional, high-hand, big-buggish, aristocratic yankee notions!!"
The accused had nearly a mile to walk to the place of execution; and along the path were strewed the sovereign people to
see " the fellers go along to git it!"  Yet instead of beholding
" two fellers" sneaking along, like office-holders trembling about
their bread and butter, they saw two gentlemen proceeding
with a slow and somewhat studied gait, with heads erect, countenances serene, and not rarely illuminated with smiles of mingled pity and contempt, benevolence and indignation! Sneers,
therefore, ready to curl on noses, and looks of vulgar triumph,
with which oL HIoXXoL intended to greet their victims, were
changed into remarks and looks of vexed admiration; for barbarians of all kinds pay involuntary honour to calm and fearless
conduct in those destined to the torture. Indeed, the crowd
to-day, was at a loss to say, whether the Faculty were going
up town to be tried; or as lords and judges to give and interpret the laws.
On entering the court our gentlemen bowed, and then took
stations where such could be found; for all the stools, backless
chairs, and even bedsides of Dr. Sylvan's room, where we had
convened, were filled; and like all ultra fashionables at a jam,




388               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
some of us stood, till politeness, necessity, or whim  in those
seated and reclined, gave others a temporary seat.
A  dead calm  ensued; we, of course, not knowing how to
proceed with our prisoners, as we were in the predicament of
the Pro-consul, who felt the awkwardness of sending a State
prisoner to Cesar without any good accusation.  But Mr.
Clarence himself kindly relieved our embarrassment by breaking the ice thus:
GENTLEMEN-We are here, though not as delinquents.  We
come, however, not merely willing, but even desirous that our
whole official conduct may be subjected to the most rigorous
and minute investigation. We are confident, if popular clamour
be disregarded, and improper interference be disallowed, we are
confident we can make the College; and, if it must be a reason
for the aid or silence of some, we can macce the town.  We are
ready then, to give ample and minute explanations to the Board;
or answer any question of any of its members about our plans,
rules, maxims-in short-our whole discipline; and are sure
that the more        "
I-ere the Major, and without rising, broke in-" this is all
very fair, Mr. Clarence, but the Board-(the Major was no
menlber)-think you have been hasty and partial; and I myself, think, as my son has been unjustly used, you ought to give
some satisfaction __"
" I question your right, Major Thorntree," rejoined Clarence,
"to speak thus in the Board; but we waive our objection; and
if it will satisfy you or the Board, we submit to what you may
be pleased to call and consider a trial."
"Well, sir, will you allow the students to appear as witnesses V"
"Willingly even-that!  And yet I know not that such a
request ought to surprise us more than all the proceedings.
Yes, call in all the students-let them say what is true-we invite the truth."
Some one here asked if the boys should take an oath!!
"No, sir! no, sir! no!"-said Clarence —"by no meansevery consideration is against it!  No! let them  speak on




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   389
honour what they know or even believe to be truth!  And
beside, we pledge our honour that we will never remember to
their prejudice whatever disparaging things may be said by
them as witnesses."
A whisper of approbation began to buzz around our lobbies;
which sussurration reaching the People without, was answered
by a gentle "hurrah! for the Fakilty!"  At this the Major
was a leetle disconcerted. But as he had a little modesty that
was natural.  He, then, remarked:" You seem  in good spirits, gentlemen,"-(Clarence and
Harwood,)-" yet if I am allowed to bring in all the testimony,
your confidence may be weaker. But how shall the boys give
their testimony, sir?"
" I will tell you, sir," replied Clarence: " place a chair
there: —now call in every boy, without exception, and in any
order deemed satisfactory-do not omit even the two suspended
boys. Then, let the boy in the chair for the time, first tell an
uninterrupted story; then let the Major, or any member of the
Board, ask any questions, leading or otherwise, that he may
wish; and then let Professor Harwood and myself have the
same privilege, and -"
"That's -fair! if it ain't, bust my rifle!"-was heard fiom
without, manifesting a change in favour of the right. And that,
as was always the case, had a corresponding effect on matters
within.  Hence I ventured now on no injudicious interference.
The Major, too, was evidently awed by this voice of his masters: and, perhaps, certain of our young folks were thus aided
in speaking the truth, or at least in not suppressing it. Whether
Clarence designed to be so politic is not for me to say;-but
we lived in a log-rolling country-and even the best of men
will manage in emergencies.  Indeed, our Board and its Major,
only wanted the vox populi: and Clarence only contrived to
make their god speak-ass though it often be.
The students, introduced one by one into the chair-with a
few  exceptions-gave a united testimony in favour of the
Faculty: and even young Crabstick said nothing against them,
save that, they ought not to have suspended him-and yet, as it




390              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
was over, he said, he intended to return to school! The other
sprout, Thorntree, refused to appear.
The Major, thus far disappointed, now proposed to call in the
citizens as witness, as " wrong had been done by the Faculty!
but that boys stood naturally in awe of their teachers!! and,
therefore, they did not like to tell all they knew!!!"
Clarence then remarked:" Had not our amazement all been
used up, gentlemen, we should certainly be aghast at this!but, be it so —let our fellow-citizens all come in; and without
an. oath! We know ten thousand idle rumours are afloat:
but, if every honest man will honourably and fearlessly, like a
backwoodsman, state exactly, and neither more nor less than
what he himself personally has seen, heard, and knows about
Mr. Harwood and myself, in all our dealings and intercourse
with them as citizens, as men, as teachers, as Christians — say,
call them in-call them in-we are ready _ "
(Outside.)
"Pick my flint-if I know any thing agin the fakilty men
arter all - "
"Nor me nuther-bust my rifle if I do!"
"Well-all I know, I heern Patchin's ole womun a sayin'
she heerd say they was powerful ristocratty   "
I'm sentimentally of opinyin, Ned, thare ain't no use a-goin'
in, if a feller dosen't know nothun of himself."
" Bust my rifle, if we're quite sich fools!"
" Agreed-them's my sentiments!"
Me too!"
This thunder on the proper side from the politicians' god, was
operating to the immediate and honourable discharge of our
prisoners; and, perhaps, with an apology for the trouble caused
them; when the Major announced one citizen as ready to state
on his own knowledge, things adverse to the Faculty.
Who is it, sir? demanded Clarence.
"Mendax Liebug."
" Mr. Liebug! anddoes Major Thorntree ask this honourable
Board to believe without an oath, a person not admissible in
yonder court-house as a witness even with an oath? No Athe



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   391
ist shall ever testify semi-judicially either for or against me:
and I trust, gentlemen, this will not be permitted-but, if otherwise, be the consequences what they may, the instant Mr. Liebug enters that door as a witness, I take my departure out of
this."
Several members of the Board expressed approbation of
Clarence's sentiments: and the people, led by the Hoosier that
swore by his rifle, all allowed " it would be most powerful onfair
to ask folks to believe any body without swearin', who couldn't
take a legal affidavy."  And Mr. Mendax Liebug was not admitted.
As a last attempt to demolish the Faculty, the Major said he
would rest the whole on one question and answer, if Mr. Clarence was willing.
"I am willing, sir,"-said Clarence,-" proceed."
The people crowded to hear, won by our Principal's candour and readiness-two things all potent with genuine woodsmen:-and then the Major, with a triumphant flourish, went
on:
" Mr. Clarence, you are a preacher; and the Bible directs us
to do to others as we would be done by:-well, sir, recall your
boyish days, and put yourself in my son's place; and, how
would you have acted, in view of what you deemed small laws,
and how would you have regarded a Faculty, that had acted as
you have just acted towards my son?"
"Why, sir," said Clarence, in reply, "I should have acted
just as thoughtlessly as your son has acted, and as most young
men every where occasionally act:-I should, then, probably
have broken the laws and abused a Faculty; and, of course,
merited and received what your son merited and received-discipline.  Thus I thought and should have done when'a child;'
but having become a man, I have put away childish things, and
have dealt with your son now, as men ought to have dealt with
me then."
" Hah! haw!-perttee powerful smart feller! if that ain't a
fair answer, bust my rifle! Come, boys, let's be off-I allow
Clarinse and t'other fakilty man kin manudge collige better nor




392              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
us. Who's goin' squurrillin'-no use wastin' time here no
longer no how!"
And so away went the people; and away went the Trustees;
and away went the Faculty. But the Major and they first
shook hands, in sign of forgiveness and amity: yet young
Thorntree was not sent back to school, and the Major was ever
more suspected as an enemy, than loved as a friend.
The next day, honest Rifle-bust walked into my store, and
began as follows:"Well-bust my rifle, Carltin, if I wa'rn't most teetotally
and sentimentally wrong'bout that fakilty thing. Here, I've
brung a dozen squurl for your ole woman-and I want the worth
on'em in lead. I'll not settle our whole'count now-but next
week I'll get that hoss-beast for you, and in sang time I'll likkefy
all -"
"Oh! no odds, Ned! I didn't fear an honest man:-only
use your own eyes and ears, and you'll do people justice-here's
your lead. Now just step in and see Mrs. Carlton, and she'll
play you a tune."
Accordingly, in went Ned; and directly up struck the piano
-not with any of your new-fangled fandangos, but with those
primitive movements-" Polly put the Kettle on," and so forth:
and soon could be plainly heard Ned kicking to pieces my rag
carpet, in what he called a dance; and then Mrs. Carlton's
merry laugh, as Ned gave a vernacular version of " the rumpus'tween Clarinse and the Major, and t'other fakilty-man,"
and ended with his " sentinentul opinyin that the Majur was
most teetotally discumflisticutted, and near about as good as
chaw'd up."
Our Board, after this disturbance, met and enacted a code of
laws for the guidance of the Faculty, and ordained, among other
matters, that for a first offence, should be private adclmonition:
for the second, public admonition; and for the third, suspension! This beautiful gradation had been mentioned in some
venerable old woman's Prize Essay on education; and was
supposed to embody the quintessence of all experience in the
art of government. It was not, indeed, stated whether the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    393
same offence was to be committed three times; or three different offences; or if the same must be done by three different pupils in succession, or by one three times, to secure the benefits
of suspension. Nor was any thing said about the age, the understanding, the knowledge, the temptations, the aggravations of
an offender and offence. And no notice was taken of looks,
words, gestures, etc., etc.-any or all of which often accompany one offence, and make it equal to three-and even to three
times three!
HIence our skilful application of patent gu.m and gammon for
the teaching of teachers, wrought as the Faculty predictedtwo offences of the same kind were repeatedly committed by
the boys collectively and individually, and private and public
admonitions were as plenty as beech-nuts; while the ingenuous
youths, instead of doing an old sin once more, did a new one
twice! Indeed, nothing was more sport than to get admonition
No. 2; for the "fellows" had come to see plain enough, that
the Faculty were not really masters unless the pupils should be
silly enough to give them that advantage.
In this state of affairs, a relative of Liebug's entered the
school and purposely committed offence No. 1. Now, No. 1
had been twice committed by other boys, and had been duly rebuked-and so No. 1 was decided by the Faculty, in this case,
owing to the great effrontery of young Brass, to be really No.
3.  And, therefore, Mr. Brass, jun. was promptly suspended for
one week.
Immediately Mr. Brass, Sen., determined to have a meeting
of our Board. But we, now convinced that the old woman's or
the impertinent Mr. Boston's patent twaddle rules, could not be
made to measure into all the sinuosities, and around all the angles of behaviour in merry and cunning lads; and that, after
all, well qualified teachers were as competent to judge of things
as pert writers or Taylorian lecturers, or persons that have conducted infant-schools, or short-hand schools, or steam schools of
ever so many horse power-we now refused to be called.
Whereupon Mr. Brass, Sen., in order to spite the rats, went
and established a Sunday-school in his own house, and taught
17*




394              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
there gratuitously, male and female, Owenism! And not satisfied with this revenge, he once, in my store, tried to overcome
Professor Harwood in an argument on the truth of the Christian religion; but in this attempt he was utterly discomfited,
and, to the amusement of the auditors, seated on my counters.
Wherefore, Mr. Brass, Sen., advanced to where Mr. Harwood
reclined, and, calling up the late suspension of young Brass,
he said he had now "a powerful d-     mind to thrash him for
it."
This was quite a favourite mode of arguing in the Purchase,
and required much bodily strength and agility. How learned
men, of slender bodies, pale faces, small hands, and green spectacles would have felt, in prospect of rencontre with such a
bear, is doubtful; but cur professor, although dressed in store
cloth, and rather dandy-looking, betrayed no emotion, and never
altered his half-recumbent attitude. Yet plain was it, fiom the
flash of his gray eyes, and the hard compression of his lips, he
was ready to ward off his antagonist-perhaps, even to spring
on the threatening brute.  This Bruin Brass perceived; and
when Mr. II. coolly replied " very well, sir; try it-but maybe
you'll find your mistake in that argument, as quick as you did
in the other"-he affected to laugh the whole off as a joke!
And happy! if he valued sound bones; for my friend Harwood was a fine, square built, muscular young Kentuckian, from
early life used to every feat of strength and agility, and able
now to lift a barrel of flour in his unaided arms, and carry it before him, and without trip or pause, full fifty honest
yards!
Even the Spiritual Church may put defensive and carnal
weapons into her children's hands to keep at a distance the
sanctimonious assassins and murderous snivellers of a canting
and unholy apostacy; and. so cases do arise, where scholars
may, and ought to repel club-logic with knock-down argument.
Yea and nay, an atheistic bear when about to use violence, must
be, if possible, resisted with physics, even as the veritable
shaggy-coat himself; metaphysics, here, may come afterwards.
My friend Harwood had conducted the debate as a Christian




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     395
and a gentleman; and the double rebuke given the atheist,
while it had no tendency to change his heart, quelled his beastly
spirit, and controlled its ferocity; and ever after our Faculty
were free from all fear of Mr. Brass, Sen., and all trouble from
Mr. Brass, Jun.
CHAPTER LII.
" You'd scarce expect one of my age,
To speak in public, on the stage I"
A GENERAL truce and cessation of arms had taken place, and
our Faculty began to drill the quiescent pupils for a grand exhibition to come off this fall.
This was to be, as is everywhere usual, of speeches, debates
and compositions.  Amendments may be necessary; but all
experience, and reason itself, favour generous emulation and
honest rivalry in schools; and nothing better prepares for the
stormy conflicts of life than the literary sham fights of college
societies.  It is preposterous to train children for a world of
romance, or for a state possible-IF all were good.  Beside,
manly competition is intrinsically right; and is promotive of
many virtues-and all ought early to be inured to arduous and
noble contests for masteries. The opposite doctrine is hateful
for its puling effeminacy; and at war with our nature —as God
made it-and with the Scriptures. Thus thought our Faculty;
and so they acted-although evils incident to their course, as to
all other excellences in this life, were not wanting.
In due time, then, came the week of examinations and exhibition; and all was turned into bustle and merriment, in fitting
our Court-house for the great occasion!
How joyous such times to boys-ay, to men who retain the
fresh and healthy feelings of boyhood! But to our half-reclaimed
young savages-oh! it was a time of exuberant joy in all its
phases of fun, frolic, raillery, joke, and expectation!
And soon all Woodville caught the infection; and all were




396               TIE  NEW  PURCHASE.
desirous of sharing the work and speculating on its progress.
As for Carlton, he could not " tend store;" and so leaving his
boys to sell what they could, and devour the remnant of the
raisins and candy, away went our dignified author, and soon
contrived to be elected by the boys Grand Master of Ceremonies
in general, and Stage Fixings in particular! Then what a hauling of boards, and planks!  What a streaming over to the
Court-house of rag-carpets, and calico window curtains!  Oh!
the clatter of candlesticks!-the pitching of these and other
articles on pounds of tallow candles done up in brown paper
and tow strings! Gemini! the thundering of plank a-throwing
down from  two boys' shoulders, or a-upsetting from  a cart!
Cancer! the whacking! the pounding and nailing! the sawing
and hammering and jerking! the talking! laughing! screeching!
tearing! stamping! quizzing!  It was a glorious chaos!
Soon, however, from confusion, came order; and in less than
two whole days, all was ready! a short time considering; for
though we were thirty persons, only half worked, the rest being
occupied in making the fun and hindering.
The work was, first, the stage.  This was erected between
the doors of entrance into the court-room  and opposite the
forum or judges' seat-that honourable place being transformed
into an orchestra, our music being to be three fiddles and one
triangle.  The stage-floor was spread with rag-carpets, and the
boxing of the stairs ascending each from  a door.to the second
story was adorned with calico curtains tastefully festooned-the
special performance of some young ladies just returned from
being finished in a boarding school of the far East! Front of
the stage, in a row, were candles in appropriate stands; the
tallest candles at the ends, and the shortest in the centre, thus
presenting a graceful curve of light! And all the stands were
decorated with fancy papers, curled and cut and frissled most
fantastically;-the work of Miss Emily Glenville's boardingschool misses!
Under the calico festooning stood Windsor chairs for the
Faculty and the two rival Societies! And near Professor Harwood's seat, was a cow-bell of a very soft and mournful voice,




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   397
whose use was to ring out signals for the fiddles and the triangle
-not a classic signal truly, yet one to which our musicians
were accustomed, and not wholly at variance with the harmonies produced. Indeed, even to our own cultivated ears never
came sounds so delicious as those of a cow-bell, which once
ravished us with its sudden tinkle when lost in the woods!
Hence as associations like utilities render things pleasant, our
cow-bell signal was not unacceptable to our woodsmen. It was,
also, a peculiar link connecting rough and softened life; and it
forcibly reminded us of the milk of human kindness!
Our seats. These were of doubled planks, resting on joists,
logs, benches, or other planks placed edgeways. Of these, not
one cracked, split, or tumbled over during the exhibition: hence,
considering their loads and the stamping they endured in the
applauses-and every thing was applauded-we have proof that
our work was well done, if not expeditiously.
On the evening preceding the exhibition, the Rev. Principal
Clarence entered my store to obtain a pair of pumps, wishing to
tread the stage in elastic style; and nothing so conduces to this
ease and grace as a handsome stocking and a becoming shoe.
Yet in vain was every drawer, trunk, or box containing either
shoe or shoe-leather rummaged and re-rummaged, no pump
turned up: and the gentleman was about to withdraw and make
up his mind to walk the boards in a shapeless two-soled pair of
calf-skin boots. But just then I had mechanically opened a
drawer of female shoes; when some very large and coarse
moroccos appeared, with straps to be joined by a steel buckle,
and Clarence exclaimed:
" Stop! Carlton, the very thing!"' Where?"
"Why, those machines of the softer sex."
"Ha! ha! he!-what! wear a woman's shoe V"
"Certainly-If I can find any small enough-"
Buckle and all?"
"Oh! no: my wife will razee the straps, and then the affairs
will look masculine enough; and we can tie them with ribbon,
pump-fashion."




398              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
" That will answer, I do believe: sit down and try."
A pair was selected, yet perversely bent on spreading sideways, when pressed with the foot; but that tendency, it was
hoped, would be corrected by the new mode of tieing: and
hence the man of learning departed with his bargain.  That
night the shoes were cropped; and the Principal, by way of
rehearsal, was walking in them in his parlour, when in came
several senior pupils to make some inquiry about the exhibition. In a moment the transmuted articles caught their eyes,
and so captivated their fancy that they must ask whence were
procured shoes so light and tasteful? On learning, and being
taught how the sex could be so readily changed, off set they for
my store: and the consequence was, that soon all the students
came for morocco non-descripts, and we sold during the next
day about thirty pairs! Hence I became a more decided friend
of the college than ever.  Yes, academies are useful!  I cleared
by this one speculation just thirty dollars! True, I lost about five
dollars by not charging the usual New Purchase per centage:
but then we must sacrifice something for the advancement of
learning, and virtue is not always profitable!
The grand evening came at last: and long ere candle light,
our young gentlemen-gentlemen, surely, when about to speak
in ladies' shoes-could be seen running into and out of and
around the court-house, busy as bees, and with sundry bundles
and packages. For, rain being threatened, it had been concluded
to dress and put on the fine shoes up stairs, one society occupying the jury room, the other the council chamber.
Finally, the signal for assembling was given by the school
bell, half a mile distant, and by a tin horn in the centre of
Woodville, being the sacred trumpet lately blown to convoke
us to the exhibitions at the camp-meeting: and then in rushed
all Woodville to fill the vacant seats.  But strange! the vacant
seats had been filled an hour before; enough girls and young
ladies having been smuggled in by the gallant students and a
few Woodville bucks.  And among the number there sat the
ladies of the Professors' families-and all the girls of Miss
Glenville's establishment-and that important personage her



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   399
self-and Mrs. Carlton-and even Aunt Kitty Littleton herself
done up in a bran new crimped cap and pink ribbon!
As to Mr. Carlton, in consideration of his superintendance
and his musical penchant, he was honoured with a windsor chair
in the orchestra, and adjacent to the fiddles and triangles! Indeed, Dan Scrape had invited Mr. C. to play: although the
honour had been declined, first, because J. Glenville, who had
borrowed our flute and fiddle, had come over to the exhibition
and forgotten to bring back the instruments!-(sub rosa, he left
them behind purposely)-secondly, Mr. C. could not play any
instruments but his own; and thirdly, Mr. C. was afraid, as he
had never practised with Dan, that he could not "keep up," and
so on.  When we and the fiddles and triangles entered a little
late and through a back window, behold! a dozen of the
"rabble" were crowded into our sacred enclosure!-(Notice
here, in public places all that cannot get into seats are rabble.)
However, after f had squeezed into my windsor chair, along side
the leading fiddle, Dan whispered for my consolation, and with
a smile and a wink-" Nerver-a mind, Mister Carltin, we'll fix
it afore long."
As if by magic, at a private signal, forth blazed the candles
in fiont of the stage; and some two dozen others stuck to the
walls by double pronged forks: and then to us was displayed
the whole audience, and to them the stage and its fixins. In
some points this audience was similar to others; but it contained more gems in unpolished and dull caskets than some
eastern congregations. Hoosiers, Woolverines, Buckeyes, and
the like, were present, and of the most unbrushed, unpomatumed,
unadulterated sorts-purer than are there now: for, like the
red aborigines, the white and brown sorts are fast disappearing!
Poor fellows! that very night they witnessed the entrance of
what would become their ruin!
Unused to the glory of polished candlesticks, and cut and
frizzled papers, all eyes momentarily gazed upon the stage in
silent wonder! In the next instant, and with one consent, burst
such a hurrah, as cracked the ears of the groundlings-yea!
shook the glass in the windows! It did seem the very walls




400              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
would be split! Nor was it mere hurrah; for many an Indian
fighter was present that night; and these sent out such yells
and war cries as made one instinctively clap his hand to his
head to ascertain if the scalp was safe!
Following the uproar came the modest buzz of individual
wonderments and critiques, such as:-" Look at that yallur
one, Joe!"-" Most powerful shiney them are!"-" Ain't them
are red things rity-dity poseys?"-" Law! no, Dick, them's paper
fixins!"-" Well, I never!"-" I say, Jake, ain't them  danglins
up there like Carltin's ole woman's curtins!"-" Pick my
flint!"-" Darn my leggins-it's powerful big buggy!"-" How'd
them lite so quick?" —" Dipt in tarpentine-don't you smell
it 2" But in the midst appeared descending, the rival societies,
each by separate stairs; each headed by a Professor; and
entering simultaneously each at opposite parts of the stage!
And when all were seated, the Faculty in the centre, and the
students right and left, the smallest next and the largest at the
extremities; all in new suits of store cloth, and with appropriate badges gracefully inserted through button holes, and
waving triumphantly from  their arms also; all in starched
collars, and black neck ribbons; and all in female slippers, and
so altered as to pass for males —the yells of greeting were absolutely terrific!
Professor Harwood was now seen shaking the cow bell: but
though its mellow tinkle was inaudible, the fiddles and triangles,
seeing the pendulum motion, knew what was needed: and hence
they essayed to strike up Hail Columbia! Still nothing of a
tune could be heard; although from the bewildering activity of
bows and elbows, it was manifest something nice was doing; till
by dint of sight in some, and bawlings out of " Silence!" by
others, the audience in the pit became quiescent. In the interim,
we of the orchestra began to have more room: for most of the
rabble near the fiddlers, especially near Dan, the Primo, had
got hints to make room, in the form  of hits, some in the
stomach, some in the face and eyes, and some under the lugsall of course naturally required by the laws of motion and
melody! Indeed, it was plain enough that there was more




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   401
danger in standing so near good fiddlers than folks had ever
imagined! And, therefore, our uninvited soon compressed into
one corner; and from  a sincere wish not to incommode the
music! And thus, by the kindness of Dan, whose wink and
smile were now understood and his mode of " fixin it," I enjoyed my windsor chair in ampler space; at least while tunes
were executed.
For this kindness, and because our executioners were so essential to the exhibition, we shall hand them down in historythey shall be immortalized!
Dan Scrape, the fiddle primo, was by far the prince of the
New Purchase catgut and horsehair men.  Like Paganini, he
could play on one string, if not an entire tune, yet parts of
nearly two dozen tunes —his whole stock! And like that
maestro, he played without notes, and with endless variations
and embellishments!  Ay! and he played no worse on one
shift or position than another! Still, Dan differed from  the
Italian in some things; for instance, he held his fiddle against
his breast-perhaps out of affection —and his bow in the middle,
and like a cart-whip; things enabling him, however, the more
effectually to flog his instrument when rebellious; and the
afflicted creature would scream right out in agony! Indeed his
Scremonah bore marks of premature old age-its finger-board
being indented with little pits, and its stomach, was frightfully
incrusted with rosin and other gummy things, till it looked as
dark and care-worn as Methusaleh!  Dan was, truly, no niggard of " rosum," for he " greased," as he termed it, between
his tunes every time! and then at his first few vigorous jerks,
fell a shower of dust on the agitated bosom of his instruments
calling out in vain for mercy under the cruel punishment!
Dan's main difference from Paganini was in using his left
hand to bow. And yet this better enabled him to make room;
for persons going to the left for safety, met the accidental hits
where least expected, and got what English bullies call the gruel,
from the wrong quarter!
Let us not, however, do Dan injustice.  -Ie certainly did, out
of benevolence, administer some wilful and hard blows, and yet




402              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
keep an unconscious phiz; but when Dan was fairly possessed
with the spirit of fiddling, he never even dreamed he had an
elbow! Then his arm was all elbow! The way it jumped up
and down! and darted back. and forth! —the velocity was too
dizzy to look at! But then, if a spectator valued his eyes, let
him stand clear of the bow's end!-not the point, that was
always safe enough on the strings-but the heel or slide end,
which never visiting the fiddle, was ever flourishing about almost
invisible, with reckless indifference and the force of a bullet!
In truth, Dan always fiddled like a race-horse; and if he got one
bar's start, no body could ever have overtaken him! But some
favourite tunes he played like a tornado; such as "the Irish
Washerwoman,"-and above all, that satanic rondo, "the D.
among the T's."  And I know this is not exaggeration; for once
on my asking Hunting Shirt Andy, who was a good judge, what
he thought of Dan's playing, he unhesitating declared that
" Dan Scrape played the fiddle like the very --
The second fiddle was a pupil of Dan's. And the master had
evidently taken great pains with his-finger-board; it being
crossed with white paint to guide the pupil's fingers, who still
usually hit wide of the mark in his haste to overtake his
teacher! He is called second fiddle, not because he did alto or
tenor, but because he was usually behind the first fiddle in time;
nay, he was sometimes so utterly lost, that Dan would tell him
to stop, and " start in when the tune kim round agin!"
Some may think these defects made discords; but then this
was compensated by the two fiddles never being tuned alike,
accuracy of stop being thus rendered less important; and above
all, because the exquisite triangle completely obliterated, filled
up, and jingled into one all mistakes, vacancies, and discords!
I shall only further remark, that the professor of the triangle
was actually self-taught! and yet he could outjingle any thing
of the sort I ever heard, even if aided by the cymbals and musical bells!
"But what of the third fiddle?"
Let Dan answer, who, after the execution of Hail Columbia,
thus whispered me:-" Tim Scratch know'd better nor to come!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   403
he's not sick no how-it's all possum! He's no fiddler! I kin
out fiddle him if he lives for ever and a day longer-and plays
on Sundays!"
And so it was: and neither Mr. Carlton nor any other man
who values reputation ought to play with Dan Scrape.
The Reverend Principal Clarence now arose, and in pumps
and silk stockings advanced and made something like the following address:" Ladies and gentlemen" —(a kind of don't-gentleman-melook of certain hearers, made him  add)-" and my respected
fellow-citizens, we rejoice to meet so large an assembly and so
full of good spirits, come to attend our first exhibition.  It is
natural you should be here: it is your own school, and these
are your own sons and relatives who are now to show before
you their improvement to-night.  We are here, fellow-citizens,
to witness what Western boys can do; and let me say, that
while far from perfection, our boys, if not embarrassed, will not
disgrace our wooden country.  We say embarrassed; for any
confusion or noise accidentally made by our respected fellowcitizens present, in time of a speech or other exercise, will
hinder our unpractised speakers from doing themselves justice.
We depend, of course, on the honour of our hearers, not giving
any order on the subject, or making even a request, as is often
necessary in the East; because here, in the free West, where
all do as they please, Backwoodsmen naturally behave according to the maxims of good sense."    ("t Bust my rifle! if that
ain't the truth," interrupted Ned,-" we'll show'em how to behave, Mr. Fakilty!")-"Just as I said, stranger,"-resumed
Clarence-" and, therefore, we shall say no more, but will instantly proceed with the exercises."
This was ferociously clapped and stamped; and then the exercises proceeded, the cow-bell being duly rung, first for the
music to begin and then for it to cease.  In the latter case the
bell owed its efficiency to Mr. Carlton, as Dan was always more
ready to begin than to finish a tune.  And hence, and as the orchestra was louder than the bell, we went by sight; but Dan
never could see the wag of the bell, till Mr. C. gave him a




404              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
hunch on the off-side; and then his Scremonah hushed up, like
a cholicy child that had screeched itself to sleep! Had Mr.
Carlton been on the bow-side, he must have poked Dan with a
stick, or met something tragical; but like the fox in JEsop, he
had learned from the hits of others.
It is unnecessary to detail the events of that memorable night.
All the students were applauded; and not a few with the admixture of Indian yells, so like the savage-savage, that the animals could, like the ass-lion, be detected only by the skin!
Certain speeches, too, political in their nature, and admirably
delivered, caused the audience to lose sight of the exhibition,
and hurrah for Jackson or Clay as on the election ground. And
these speakers, with one exception, became politicians, and are
even yet, most of them, figuring before the world. The people
generally behaved as Ned Stanley-our friend Rifle-Bust-promised, and as Western folks always do behave, if one shows a
disposition to conciliate and will employ a little innocent flattery;
not that they are deceived by such, but that they take it as a sign
of your desiring to please and put them on honour.
Let, however, a self-complacent gentleman, full of city importance and strut, essay, in a dictatorial way, to manage a free and
wild assembly in the world of woods and prairies-and if he is
not shut up in a manner that shall clean wipe the conceit out of
him, then is my opinion a mistake.  He may order a hackman,
or a porter, or a quill-driver, or a sawyer-but if he dare order
freemen of the forests and the meadows, they will ride him on
a rail; and, in spite of his stocks, brick houses, fine equipage,
whiskers and curled hair!
The speeches, excepting a few humourous ones, were all original; and equal to the best in our schools and colleges concocted
from the living and the dead.  Generally the young men of a
New Purchase are superior to the young gentlemen of old settlements, in both scholarship and elocution; and for the following reasons:
1. The young men come to learning as a novelty.  It is op.
posite to the monotony of woods, cabins, pork, corn, and axes.
Hence nothing exceeds their interest and curiosity; and it is




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                  405
long, under a judicious teacher, before the novelty ceases; and
afterwards the habit of hard studying supplies the place.
2. The young men regard learning as the lever to elevate
them —or by which the New World may cope more fairly with
the Old. Hence, day and night, they work vi et armis at the
machine; until they even get higher than the young gentlemen
who work lazily and feebly.
3. The young men have more energy than the young gentlemen; and this directed by enthusiastic masters in learning produces great results.
4. New Purchases have few temptations to idleness and dissipation.  Indeed, as war among the Spartans, so Colleges out
there are to the young men recreations, and more delightful than
anything else.
5. Ten dollars a year-the tuition fee-was too hard for our
young men to obtain, lightly to be squandered. And ten dollars with us would buy ten acres nearly; hence they who value
land as a great earthly good, spend not a small farm once a year
for the privilege of being idle. Young gentlemen often waste
two such a year on sugar candy!
6. Young men are inquisitive like yankees; and hence, they
ask endless questions not contained in Parley-books. And by
this method of torturing professors, more is often extracted than
by torturing nature.
7. Young men out there are in more immediate contact with
professors; hence, if the professors be themselves men, the advantages of the old Roman way of education may be combined
with the modern ways.
We have seven more reasons, which, however, we shall not
inflict; but to fortify the seven and to conclude the exhibition,
we shall present minute accounts of two young men, who were
among our stars. And as these stars shall shine, the one fixed,
the other wandering, in the political firmament, we may only
designate them as the George and the Henry.
George possessed not uncommon talents; unless perseverance
be a talent, and that he did possess in so great a degree as to
make it a substitute for genius. He is our fixed star. Many




406              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
knew of his untiring patience and plodding diligence, and were
impressed with a belief he would, after all, make something;
but none expected him to shine forth to-night a star of the first
magnitude. Not only was he great compared with himself, but
with all others; and his composition on the life, character, and
writings of Cicero was admirably written and most happily
spoken. I was myself amazed, fired, captivated, and even instructed; and, after the exercises ended, I sought him, for he
was one of my favourites, and said:
" Why, George! you did nobly! surely that composition cost
you no small labour?"
" Thank you, Mr. Carlton. As to the piece-(I have no desire to pass for a genius)-it did cost me thought and labourIcarefully studied and re-wrote it thirty-six times."
Well! that was one young Man. The other, Henry, although never among my favourites, will even more forcibly
sustain our reasons. In a pecuniary sense, he was a poor boy
even for the Purchase; and lived, in homely phrase, from hand
to mouth. Indeed, the loss of a day's job, made his mouth that
day debtor for its food; and hand, on the next occasion, did
double duty. He was, however, rich in expedient, and hesitated at no job, odd or even; although, it is to be regretted, he
did not sometimes refuse employments not strictly honourable.
And yet even that may be palliated.
No sooner, however, had the Seminary been organized, than
Henry determined to obtain a good education. He had credit
enough to procure some decent clothes and necessary books;
but as five dollars, cash, and in advance, were to be paid to our
treasurer, Henry was forced to look for a few lucrative jobs;
and hence, he one morning presented himself at my store and
commenced:
"Well, Mr. Carlton, I've got books and clothes; but I've no
silver to pay the session-bill-kin you give a feller no job what
will bring silver?"
" Really, Henry, I don't know that I can-but stay! we've
lost our cow-will you take half a dollar a day in cash to look
her up?"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   407
"Ay! will I-when did she put out?-what kind of a crittur
is she?-which way, think she went?" etc., etc.
Satisfied as far as possible in his inquiries, away went the lad
to the woods.  At the end of two days he came back, cowless,
indeed, but after a painful search through thickets, along creeks,
and over hills; and during which, he had camped out alone in
the night. Our hero had thus one dollar of the tuition fee.
About this time we had ceased from  digging a well, after
finding no water at twenty-five feet; although we had' employed
a great hazel-wizzard; and his rod had repeatedly turned down
over the spot, and that so hard as to twist off a little of the
bark.  Even the diviner was quite at a loss to account for the
failure; insisting yet the water must be lower, as "his rod
never twisted so powerful arnest if they wan't water somewhere!"
Now Henry was of the same opinion; and, therefore, bringing Mr. Hum, the wizzard (or witch, there so called) to me, the
two prevailed on me to go only four feet lower-Henry undertaking the job at fifty cents per foot! I had supposed the boy
would have a comrade to work his windlass; but no, down
went Henry alone with the necessary implements; and after
digging, and breaking, and prying, and shovelling, up the ladder he came, let down his empty bucket, descended, filled the
bucket, reascended, wound up his load, and so on, till he had
cleared out " his diggins!"' And away he went again to work
with hammer and sledge, bar, spade, shovel, and bucket; till
within a week, our well was four feet deeper and Henry two
dollars richer! But although water was " somewhere," it had
not risen in our part of the world-the bottom of the pit was
still as dry and comfortable as an oven!
Our hero in similar ways procured the other two cash dollars; and by the aid of some student mastering in private several elementary studies, he was, at the opening of the next session,
matriculated aseomething more than a Freshman.  And now,
while attending his regular studies, he still by jobbing maintained his mouth and laid by a few dollars for books and future
tuition fees. He contrived even to be appointed sub-deputy




408             THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
librarian of the Woodville Library, adding thus to his information and funds; and, as if all this were not enough, he one day
waited on Mr. Clarence to ask if the school-laws would permit
him to study law and remain a student!
" Study law!-Henry!"-said Clarence.
"Yes, sir; lawyer Cravings will find me books; and thinks
in a year or two I can plead before magistrates.  If it is not
against the laws — "
"Why, certainly we have no law against that; such a case
was never imagined as probable or possible. Do, however, not
neglect your regular college studies; and then, it is nobody's
business what else you may study or learn."
Our young man, sure enough, went to work at the Jaw,
Hoosier-fashion indeed, and still attended well to his regular
studies; and in two weeks before the exhibition, he did actually
defend and win a cause before Squire Snab, and against and
from the redoubtable lawyer Cravings himself-and, with the
contingent fee, he paid our treasurer the tuition price of the
next term!
Very good, young gentlemen! laugh at all this if you please.
But had you heard Henry, ranking now about Sophomore, deliver at the exhibition, his Speech on Man, you would have
offered, as is usual in here, a price for it, in view of your Senior
Speech! Come! I will bet you two dozen racoon skins against
a pair of kid gloves, or even a pot of cold cream, that if you
wrote your own speech, when you were graduated, it was not as
good as his 




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    409
CHAPTER LIII.
"Doublets, I think, flew up-and had their faces
Been loose, this day they had been lost. Such joy
I never saw before."
SOME may wish to know how our Faculty spent vacations in
the woods.  As to Clarence, in term time, he preached twice on
Sabbath, and sometimes oftener; beside lectures in the week,
and the like-but, in vacations, he commonly did more.
Clarence, however, would laugh a little: but then, for this,
Carlton was usually to blame.  Hence, we do hope " the brethren," when reading this work, will be careful to condemn the
right person-and that, not too severely; as the author, a somewhat ubiquitous man, has had the pleasure of hearing Bishops,
Priests, and Deacons, as well as the inferior ministers, preachers, and exhorters, do secular laughing, beside " making merry"
with friends, according to the Scriptures.
Thus our Faculty, in vacations, did often, what classical people
do elsewhere-nothing!  Sometimes, they did next to nothing
-smoking! and very often they did-cutting-up!  And this
last consists in cracking nuts and jokes-racing one another,
and slamming doors-in upsetting chairs, and even kicking up
carpets! Great wisdom, however, and art and tact, and gentlemanly feeling, are requisite for the cut-up; and specially in
knowing where and when to cease: and, of all men, to do the
thing right, Harwood, Clarence, Glenville, and Carlton, were
just " the dandy!"  If the affair is not done up to the point-it
is teasing; if beyond-it is horse-play; but if in medio tutissimi
-it is the most tickling and exhilatory!-better to provoke
laughter than all the jest-books in existence. The cut-ups were
usually in wet weather.
In dry times our literati strolled into the forests; where
18




410               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
mineralogy, botany, and natural history, suggested by dark
masses of rough rocks, or curious stones and shells. never before handled by moderns; or by enormous wild flowers, with
cups large enough to hold two thimblefulls of dew; or by a
startled snake, ringing his warning under prostrate trunks, on
or near which the learned stood; or, by crackling brush and
whirling leaves, where shone a streak of bounding wolf or
glancing deer-became recreations detaining our friends till
dinner was deferred until tea, and tea until supper, when all
were devoured as one! Perhaps the mind never so marched
towards the west, as once when Clarence and Harwood, and
several visiting literati, were seen by the author, all in a line,
knee-deep, and wading towards the occidental sun, through the
fresh-fallen leaves; and thus discussing at one time, the Greek
Tragedians-at another, the Calculus and the Analytical Geornetry! It was the only time the author ever witnessed the Grand
Abstraction embodied and embattled! And he feels elated as
the White Man who talked to the very Indian whose great paternal grandfather had actually heard of the man whose father
had seen the skeleton of a Gopher!
Often, too, would we seduce the Faculty into a hunt, by
quoting the Greek of Xenophon, where Cyrus the Elder inflames his comrades, by descriptions of wild boars that rushed
on the hunter's spear, like warriors in battle, and of deer that
leaped-oh! how high! But this vacation we proposed a party,
to visit and explore a cave just discovered by a hunter in pursuit of a fox, that darted down a sink-hole and disappeared, in
an opening among some rocks.
In any village is it difficult, but especially in a New Purchase one, to keep such intention secret. Soon, then, was it
bruited through Woodville, that Carlton was making up a party.
for the cave; when further invitation was useless, our main art
now being to keep out some, whose "room  was better than
their company."  And this must be done without seeming to
interfere with people's liberty of going where they liked. The
prevention was partly accomplished by fixing on no definite
day; and by deferring, till some became weary of waiting, and




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    411
left town, or so engaged that going would then be impossible.
Some, also, were specially asked; but not before it had been
ascertained that small chance existed of their obtaining horses.
This was the case with the Doolittles; who, as we rode by the
morning of the expedition, answered somebody's expression of
regret that we should be deprived of the pleasure of their company, with-" Well! thank you all the same for the invitenext time we'll look up nags and critters a smart chance
quicker!"  This somebody was young Capers Smileal; who
was aware, I fear, how the matter was.  He would do well in
here among his relations, the Smootheys and Glibs.
Unexpectedly, one fine morning, the rising sun shedding horizontals of light and shade over our village, were revealed one
dozen horses at Carlton's rack, and about an equal number in
other places, accoutred  and  accoutring-(passively);-and,
therefore, shortly after " sun up" where we could see him, a report was spread, that Carlton's party was going to the cave today.  But rumour was not long requisite to advertise; since
every man,.woman, boy, girl, and child of the party became,
about eight o'clock, A.M., a notifier, while our cavalcade dashed
through the village-talking, cantering, whipping, joking, spurring, laughing!-while some screamed, "come on, thare, behind!" and some, "not so blame fast, thar', in' front!" and
others in piteous accents, " La! if I aint dropt my ridicul'!""Awh! stop! won't you V"-" This ole guth's a-bustin'!"  Oh!
it was a glorious hubbub!
Alas! how dignity forgot decorum  that delicious morning 
Even our literati, the teachers of proprieties, and all that, even
they lost sight of Lord Chesterfield! Why, reader! they
laughed outright like the vulgar!  They rode with one foot only
in a stirrup, and let the other dangle! They jumped down to
pick up Polly Logrul's " bag as had her handkichif in!"  And
more-they pelted the girls at a distance with acorns, beechnuts, and horse-chestnuts! switched Hoosier dandies' horses, to
make them  kick up! rear! run! and what not! And if the
grave folks behaved so —what did the others?
Ah! dear Precise! does happiness consist in skin-tight gar



412               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
ments? in a hat or bonnet stuck to the pate in a style? in tying
one's limbs to the dull earth by straps ander boots? in moving
with a graceful and pointed toe, and fingers curved and adjusted,
and neck arched in magazine fashion? and in riding-horses with
trained gait-in smirking, and simpering, and lisping, by rule?
If so, go not to a New Purchase! Above all, go not with the
natives to explore a cave! Depend on it-you will break your
straps! your corset-string, male or female! and derange your
curls! Solemnly-it will spoil your looks!-those, at least,
your milliner, and tailor, and perfumer gave you! But if no
regard for your makers' reputations deter you-I tell you it will
break your-necks!
One may ride a trained horse, handsomely caparisoned, on
macadamised ways, and sit perpendicular and graceful, while
the beast does his theatrical starts and plunges at certain secret
pulls, touches, and words: but put the same rider on the mischievous, unbroken, wild " crittur" of the woods, moving in a
compound of all gaits, and starting, plunging, kicking, and biting
extemporaneously; and on a saddle that does not fit, and with
a girth that will break; and this in a gully-road, a snaggy
ravine, an impeded trace, or a tangled and pathless woods;and then, if the rider forget not dignity, and grace, and rules,
adieu to his seat! and maybe adieu to whatever brains nature, or,
more likely, Phrenology, may have given him! Situations occur
in both the moral and the natural worlds, where a man becomes
a law unto'himself-and such are often in the west.  But
Our party was to consist of one dozen adults;-(children are
never counted out there, but go, not as shadows-they are mere
accretions)-yet spite of the effort to be exclusive, our select
company swelled to nearly thirty! And this before we set
out! and then so great was the excitement produced, that some
who had abandoned the intention of going, suddenly resumed
it; so, that just after our entering the woods, a clatter of hoofs,
and uproar of voices and. leaves were close in the rear! and there
was a handsome addition to the cave party of some dozen more!
Among others, was a hunting crony of mine, Domore: and behind, on his horse, he carried two of the Doolittles! Other




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   413
horses had duplex riders too; and when such all got into Indian
file, nothing could be seen except legs on the ground kicking
dry leaves, and legs in the air kicking horse-sides-that being
answered instantly by a very venomous switching of horse-tails,
and an occasional and extra performance of horse-heels.
Perhaps the increased company was also owing to this:
several affianced lovers were of the party; and rumour, with
more of romance than reality, had said, that more than two
couples were to be married in the cave under ground! Oh!
what a temptation- a Hoosier wedding in a new found cave!
But the sternness of truth forbids; yet the Talemaquers must
not steal this idea: when I write fiction I shall make a story
out of it myself.
Seven miles from Woodville we reached the cabin of the
hunter, who had discovered the cave.  Here we got ample
directions; not, indeed, from  the male hunter-he was absent-but from  Mrs. Hunter.  These are here condensed for
the guidance of the reader, in case he may want to visit the
cave for curiosity or consumption.:timtinno  nf   antfr'o itfe.i
" Well, stranjurs, I warn't never at that are cave; but I
often heern him tell on it; and I allows I kin a sort a pint out
the course ne'er on about as well as Bill himself kin.  Now,
look here-you must put off ahind the cabin down the branch
till you amost about come to ole Fire-Skin's trace-(an Indian
once trading there)-and thare a kind a take off a sort a so
like-(pointing S. S. West) —and that'll bring you to Hicko,'y
Ridge; whare you must keep down like, but a sort a little
barin up, till you strike B'ar Waller-(a creek)-and thare
keep rite even on strate ahead till you gits to Rock Ford-and
some wher strate ayond is near about whare Bill fust seed the
wolf or fox, I disremember which on'em'twas-but no odds
no how-only foller on thare, a turning though left; and a
leetle ayond is the sink holes:-and'twas one on'em the var



414               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
mint tuk into-I dont't know the hole, but it is a powerful big
one, and about as round as a sugar kittle."
In the party were folks that had killed turkeys on Hickory;
fought bruins on Bear Wallow; hunted deer around Rock
Ford; yet had we not fortunately encountered Bill himself,
near Fire-Skin's trace, and received directions a little different,
we should, indeed have found the sink holes-but not the cave.
That was in a sink by itself, half a mile from the others, in size
less than the least, and without any shape whatever —a place
none save a fox or a hunter could ever have found!
But that place, by Bill's directions, was reached.  And now
the nature of the next operation being better understood, our
exploring party became small if not select.  Some ten feet
down, after scratching through briars and bushes, we espied a
rat hole, or to make the most of it, an opening thirty inches
long by eighteen wide; excepting where sharp points of rock
projected and made the aperture an inch or two less. And this
hole was the veritable door of the cavern! This was manifest
from the worn trace of some kind of beasts; but mainly from
Domore's report, who crawled in backward, and in five minutes
crawled out head foremost, saying —" He backed in a rite smart
chance, yet arter a while he finded he could a kinder sorter
stand up-and then he kim out to sartify the kumpine."
Immediately commenced a metaphorical backing out: most
of the ladies declared at once they never would crawl into such
a place! Some also refused out of cowardice; and some were
bound to refuse by tight corslets and other bandages.  Yet some
half dozen, and among them  Mrs. Clarence and Mrs. Carlton,
-who usually kept together-defying natural and conventional
objections, said they would follow the preacher, as he could
exorcise foul spirits; and as to other inhabitants, they would
leave them  to Domore and the other brave hunters with us.
Some gentlemen that wished to go in, had to remain with the
recusant ladies: and some hardy bucks, with rifles, preferred
hunting an hour or two "to crawlin on all fours under the airth
like brute critturs!"  But this was "possum" —these latter




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   415
feared to be cut out, and intended to stay above ground and
improve the time in sparking.
One affianced pair were so determined on the descent, and so
resisted all dehortations, that some of the hide-bound were
tempted to go along with us, under a suspicion that the lovers,
if they went into the cave two, would return one: curiosity
being nearly as strong as corsets!-but not quite.
To all, however, it was strange poor Polly Logrul obstinately
refused to go down; although her sweetheart was making ready
to do so, and her rival, Peggy Ketchim, was to be of the crawling party! And when all knew Polly was neither nice nor
timid; and would not hesitate to seize a wolf natural by the
ears!  But, reader, I was in the secret:-Polly was too large
for the aperture! Hog and hominy had enlarged her physics
till poor Polly, who had hitherto triumphed in her size, now
wished herself a more ethereal sprite: for I accidentally saw
her, when she supposed all at a distance, standing near the cave
door, and convincing herself by a total blocking of the aperture
by a part only of her form, that Peggy Ketchim would have
Jesse-ah! in what unseen part of the underworld, that day,
all to herself!
At length all was ready.  Then we formed in Indian file,
faces outward and backs towards the entrance, and began slowly
to retrograde from the sun-light.  Domore led the rear; then.
came the braves; then backed in Professor Harwood, then Mr.
Carlton, his wife following before him, and then Principal Clarence, with wife ditto: and then"What then? How  did the young ladies and gentlemen
come down "
I could not see beyond Mr. Clarence.  It was arranged, however, that the ladies should come in a line in front of Mrs.
Clarence, and the young gentlemen bring up the'van-like
going up and down stairs in monuments and steeples to the
east.  Doubtless all backed in judiciously, as we heard no complaints: although there was incessant laughter, screeching,
squealing, and the like; and an occasional exclamation, as" You, Joe!"-" Awh! now Sam, let me be!" —" Go away-I




416              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
don't want none o' your help!"-" Take that now!"-which last
was followed by a hard slap on somebody's face, and instantly
answered by-" Peg! if you ain't a bustur!"
The entrance was the grand difficulty; for on squeezing down
a few yards, the rocks went down like irregular steps, and our
heads began gradually to rise, till by our torches were seen the
rocks above ascending in a similar way: and in about fifty feet
from  the aperture we could stand erect and look round on a
vast cavern, widening in every direction. Here the rear awaited
the centre, and then both, the van; and then all the torches
being lighted, we could see more distinctly this terra incognita.
Deep fissures were apparent in the rocks below, into which
one might have fallen in the dark; but we met no accident, and
continued now our advance to the Grand Saloon, or as Bill had
called it, "the biggerest cave whare he couldn't see the top
like." On reaching the entry of this room, we clambered down
some rough projecting rocks; and thence passing along two
abreast for fifteen yards, we all stood safe in the Saloon itself.
Here nothing was remarkable but the size.  It was an apartment about eighty feet long and from fifteen to forty wide, the
height varying from  twenty to sixty feet -although in some
places we could not discern any roof.
Near one end, however, was a rock not unlike a pulpit, about
four feet high and ascended by natural steps, and encircled by a
stony balustrade.  The immediate consecration was proposed
to our lovers. The gentleman, a store-keeper of Woodville,
readily assented; but the mistress, a pretty and interesting
young lady, positively declared " she was determined never to
marry any where, but to die an old maid"-sure sign of course,
that "the day was fixed;" for girls make no such silly and desperate speeches till either mature years arrive or the marriage
is secretly arranged.  When rallied on this point, she took the
other tack and said, " if she did marry, it should be above the
earth; for she didn't believe a marriage under it was legal; and
for her part, when she could find a fellow worth having, she intended to adhere to him till death!"
" Well!"-said Peggy Ketchirn —" I'd jist as leef marry the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   417
man I lov'd down here as not"-looking tender at Jesse, Miss
Logrul's beau. Jesse, however, would not take, being yet vexed
at the slap severely done to his face on the crawl-away; but he
very ungallantly replied:
" Well, darn it, if I wouldn't like the joke too, if Miss Logrul
had only kim down-"
" Poll Logrul!"-(dixit Peggy)-" what's the use a her tryin
to go through life with a feller, when she couldn't squeeze into
a cave."
Here were plainly symptoms of a squall, which it was expedient to overwhelm with a storm; hence I proposed to try the
effect of a unanimous and vigorous " hurraw!"-and to ascertain if the party outside could hear our shouting. This was
agreed; and then at the signal we let it out! —and oh! the
uproar! inconceivable before, indescribable now!  And the
effect so different from noises in the world!-in a few moments
hundreds of bats, hitherto pertinaciously adhesive to the rocks,
took wing, and flying, with no discretion, they dashed in panic
against our very faces and open mouths, and speedily extinguished more than half our torches.  Many ladies would have
fainted, and most would have screamed; but ours, knowing
that noise had brought the evil, remained quiet; and hence the
bats soon withdrew to their clinging, and our torches were relighted; and" Hark!-what's that! V"
" What?"
"Listen 1"
We did, and heard an indistinct and peculiar noise-now like
whining-now like growling-and then it seemed a pit-pat sound
like padded feet! and it then died away, and we were left to
our speculations.
"Huh! haw!it's them  blasted fellers outside a trying to
sker the gals down here."
" Who knows if it ain't Bill's fox 2"
"'Spose it was Bill's wolf-hey 2"
At this ingenious suggestion, the ladies all in unaffected alarm,
proposed an immediate retreat.  Yet Domore and Jesse and
18*




418               TIE NEW  PURCHASE.
half a dozen other chaps, said " they did want most powerful
bad jist to see into the next room a little down like, afore goin
back;" and hence the ladies kindly agreed to wait in the saloon,
with a guard, for their return.
The explorers, then, set off; and for a time were heard their
footsteps and merry voices, till all were hushed in the distance;
and we in silence remained striving to catch yet some faint
sound-when forth on a sudden came the burst of terrific
screams and outcries from the exploring party! and that soon
followed by the noise of feet coming back quicker by far than
they had gone away! And then into the saloon jumped and
tumbled the whole party, a few laughing and jeering, but most
bawling out —: a Ba'r! a Ba'r!!"
Our ladies, of course, added at first a scream; and there was
some involuntary adhering to husbands' and lovers' arms; a
little earnest entreaty to get out instantly; and then a rushing
towards the egress of the cave, and then a rushing back, as
darkness in that direction became visible, and bats' wings
flapped again into faces; yet in no long time order was restored, and we listened to the following account from Domore.
" Well! I tell you what naburs if I warn't about as most
powerful near a treadin on a black varmint of a ba'r, as most
folks ever was I allow.  You see, as we a kind a kim to that
tother long hole, says I to Jess, Jess says I, you jist take this
here light of mine here, and I'll go fust a head and feel along
till we git's to that'are room Bill tells on, whare he seed a crik
a runnin across tother end, says I. Well, so Jess he takes the
light and we kim to where you a kinder sorter go down a leetle,
and I was je-e-st agoin so-(action)-to put down one leg this
a way so, a holdin on so-(clinging to the pulpit)-above like,
and I sees the rock b'low a most powerful black and dark, and I
thinks as may be it mought be a deep hole;-and with that says
I to Jess, Jess says I, tote along that light a yourn-and then I
holds it down this a way-(using his torch)-whare I was goin
to step, and blame my leggins if the hole didn't seem a movinin,
and a movinin, till all of a quick up sprouted a ba'r's head! and
his eyes a sort a starin so-(imitating)-rite slam smack on




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   419
mine! Well Jess he seed him too, and the way he let out his
squawk was a screecher I tell you! And then all them tother
fellers what was a hind, if they didn't squeel as if they was
skulp'd!-and put out and make tracks for this here preachers'
room! But you see I've fit ba'r afore and I know'd this one
warn't agoin to fite-and I seed him a puttin off afore I kim
away-and if I'd had one of them chap's rifles above ground,
why you see if we wouldn't a cooked ba'r meat down here today thar's no snakes."' But, Domore, suppose the bear had made battle?"
"Well-Mr. Carltin,'spose he had-do you see this " —
drawing from his jacket a very savage looking scalping knife.
" Yes! yes!-Domore-and I would not have asked you, if
I had known you had your knife."
" Well, you see, Mr. Carltin, I don't mean no'fence-but that
a sorter shows you don't know all about the woods yit-albeit
you're a powerful feller with the rifle; a hunter doesen't go into
timber without his knife, and never no how into sich like caves
and holes as this here one."
Fears had now abated; and the ladies professed great confidence in my friend Domore's skill and bravery; still, it was
voted to retire immediately into the world, and our line of retreat was as follows.
1. Nearly all the males, headed by Jesse, who, wishing to
show his spunk and retrieve the disgrace of his " screecher," led
the van, now in front.
2. All the females.
3. The Faculty and Mr. Carlton.
4. And lastly, Domore as rear guard.
Without memorable accident our van in due time gained the
cave door and crawled out head foremost; then aided by the
upper party collected around at the unexpected egress, they
helped out the female incumbents; and then, amid united congratulations and derisions, we, the last division were ushered
slowly once more into ordinary life.
"But where's Domore, our rear guard?"
"Oh! I hear him, or something else, pushing out-he makes




420               THE  NEW   PURCHASE.
powerful little head way tho' —maybe he's draggin a ba'r-he's
mighty fussy with something and very onactive."
By this time our whole party had come around the aperture
and were with great interest eyeing the spot to greet our herowhen-could it be!-the hole was suddenly blocked up!"Goodness! Mr. Carlton-was it the bear?"
" (h!-no-no-no! dear reader, it was the full disk of
Domore's tow-linen posterior inexpressibles! For with proper
regard of self-defence, and yet with this peculiar breach of etiquette, he was coming out of the aperture wrong end foremost!
Aye-yah! you may hold up your fans, and so forth: but fans
themselves would have joined in the universal, uncontrollable,
ungenteel, and almost unendable laughter, that for the first and
the last and the only time since its creation, startled and shook
the grim old trees that day! Laughter like that occurs only
once in a life-time! And this is said deliberately, and to enable the judicious critics to remark-" The author on page so
and so is again guilty of something like laughing at his own
stories."
" Well," said Domore, when, at long last, he mrade his apology-" well, I know'd it warnt the best manners to back out
like; and it warnt powerful easy ither; but you see it a sort a
couldn't be helped; for, says I to meself, down thare,'spose, says
I, the b'ar, or some sich ugly varmint, was to kim agin a feller,
what would be the use of kickin at'im.  And so I jist sticked
my torch in a hole, and drawed out my knife, and kim out as
you see, and ready to give it to any varmint what mought kim
ahind me."
This was voted satisfactory; and Domore was cheered as the
lion of the New Purchase; showing, too, that the race of the
Putnams is not extinct.
Our pic-nicery was now ready; and we began to regale ourselves with keen appetites, when a few drops of water made us
think some one was playing a prank; but alas,! no-it was rain!
downright rain.  And now if I had the pen of a ready writer, I
might tell how quick the eatables were deserted-knives, cups,
plates, cloths, all stuffed and crammed into saddle-bags —shawls




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   421
pitched on, and off, too-bonnets tied under chins-horses saddled-mounted-and we away, away, over Rock Ford-up and
down Hickory Ridge-on Fire-Skin's trace —and once more
snug and spongy behind Bill's cabin.
Bill and his wife pressed us to stay all night-a hunter's
heart being always bigger than his cabin-but we all refused
except Domore: and he stayed, not to avoid the rain, but to
talk over the cave affair and the bear scrape. We took a fresh
start, and scampered on fast as ever to escape now the coming
darkness: and in process of time reached Woodville, a sad reverse of the gay and dry party of the morning! Yet how we
looked none could tell, for it was then a coal black night; but
judging by our own plight, when standing by the kitchen fire,
our whole party must have been a remarkably shivering and
absorporific compound of mud and water!
Upper class and aristocratic gowns, frocks, hats, and broadcloth and silk in general, had encountered melancholy accidents;
but none so serious as were met by two bran new second-rate
Leghorns, ambitiously sported for the first time to-day by two
of our tip-top young ladies. These big-buggeries were not only
soaked and stained with water and dirt of divers colours, but even
torn by briars and branches: and this utter ruin and loss retarded
our civilization a full year! it being all that time before the
articles were replaced, and none others presuming to lead our
fashions in this respect except the two pretty, but rather vain
Misses Ladybook.




422                THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER LIV.
"But ye that suffer; who have felt
The destiny of earth,
That death, with shadowy hand hath dealt
Rebuke amid your mirth;
To you this tribute of a wood,
When other sounds have fled,
Will come like lov'd tones, faintly heardThe memory of the dead."-MELLEN.
OUR family was usually very harmonious: yet the surface
of our quiescence was occasionally ruffled. For instance, Mr.
Carlton believed that Miss Elizabeth Carlton, now nearly four
years old, if she did spell, ought to do it by sounds of the letters: Aunt Kitty insisted it ought to be in the march of mind
way-by pictures of things.  And Aunt Kitty carried the day,
affirming that the baby could learn to spell in six days!-Mr.
Carlton not caring whether she spelled or not, provided she had
plenty of air and sunshine, and played all the time with a kitten
or a doll. But when he obstinately persisted that the little one
could not ever learn to spell by pictures, and must do it by the
sounds of separate letters, away flounced Aunt Kitty after a
caricature book; and then flouncing back she said with a voice
of triumph:
" There, Mr. Carlton, spell her anywhere."
"Well, dearee, what does c-o-w  spell?"-covering at the
same time the figure with the hand.
"Cow," said the baby in an instant.
"There! Mr. Carlton-now sir!"-dixit Aunt Kitty.
"How  do you know, dearee, that it spells cow?"-said
Mr. C.
"I sees the-legs!"-replied baby.
Aunt Kitty put out; while echo maliciously repeated" There! Mr. Carlton-now sir!"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                        423
-Dear one! that was true learning Aunt Kitty gave you
daily from  the Word of God.  She did, indeed, by her living
voice, teach in figures about heaven! even as the blessed word
itself. And it was to that heaven, dearest! you went, a few
months after; when death so strangely quenched the light of
those sweetly soft blue eyes!
Parents! have you children in heaven?  The author has six!
And shall we not strive to rejoin the loved ones, where daydreams are no more; and all is glorious, satisfying, unending
reality?
CHAPTER LV.
"There was a sound of revelry by night,
And Belgium's capital had gathered then
Her beauty and her chivalry; and bright
The lamps shone o'er fair women and brave men:
A thousand hearts beat happily; and when
Music arose with its voluptuous swell,
Soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again,
And all went merry as a marriage bellBut hush I hark! a deep sound strikes like a rising knell?"
WE shall conclude this year with a wedding.
" Who is to be married?"
John Glenville.
"That old bachelor?"
The same.
" To whom?"
Pardon me, I may not tell.
f            *             *        *         *        *
The society of Woodville was not yet as refined as it might
have been; although steps for the sublimating process had been
taken by our gentry, and with some success. Such attempts,




424              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
however, by many, were regarded with jealousy, and by not a
few with feelings of rancorous hostility. Sometimes, too, every
attempt had failed, and that owing to the " galls:" for these insisted on mixing with our parties, and also on taking seats at
table; or, if not present, it was owing to management, and not
a tame surrender of the helpers' rights. Not unfrequently had
an embryo lady, or one emerging from the grub and hoosiery
form, been compelled by the discontent of her help, who had
detected the artifice of her mistress, to soothe the young lady,
by saying before the company:
" Betty, child, I do wish you would sit down, and sort a pour
out, while I run out and bake the rest of the cakes."
Once a very select party of prospective gentry had assembled
at Mrs. Roughsmoothe's, and had become talkative and lively;
when the gall-help, wishing to increase the fun, suddenly descended from the loft, into our company, and paraded over the
room in her lady's husband's brother's old buckskin breeches 
To aid the polishing of society, after long discussions among
the ladies, not those only connected with the bride elect, but
others intimate with our several families, it was determined to
have a sample wedding. To this, indeed, the gentlemen all had
objections; but the weaker sex, as is always, in such affairs, the
case, proved the stronger: and so away to work went all hands
for the grand display.
And now, the truth of political economy became manifest,
that extravagance benefits mechanics, storekeepers, and the like;
for we sold broadcloth, and trimmings, and silks, and satinsin short, all things for wedding-suits, dresses and decorations;
and every mantua-maker, milliner, tailor and shoemaker was in
immediate requisition.  Superfine flour, too, was needed-the
best teas and coffees-the best loaf sugar-the best, in a word,
of all persons and things from the beginning to the end of
Woodville.  Nay, many articles were required from  the Ohio
River.  Hence, so many messages were sent, and so many
packages brought, by wagoners and travellers, to and from,
that long before the eventful day, half the State was advertised
of the coming ceremony. Indeed, not a few at that time, came




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   425
into Woodville from adjoining counties: which accounts for
the curious external celebration that accompanied the internal one.
Nor were only selling and buying promoted by the affairit increased borrowing and lending.  Many, who " allowed"
they would be asked, had agreed to lend one another suitable
apparel, from caps and curls upwards, to shoes and stockings
downwards: and our bride's folks, not having domestic means
enough, had borrowed far and wide every article in the shape
of china, proper and mock, and silver, German and real. Consequently, the whole settlement was more or less interested in
our wedding: and it was clear as sunshine, we should have as
fine a gathering of hoosiers, in all stages of refinement, both in
side and outside the house, as the heart of man could desire.
The wedding week had now arrived; and notes, prepared in
the best style, were sent round by Wooley Ben, the negro barber, hired as waiter, and to discharge a dozen other offices and
duties.  Additional waiters would have been employed; but
this was the only respectable black "nigger" in town: and as
to hiring a native, white, red, or brown, you might as easily
have hired the Governor.
Well, the grand evening came at last; and about sundown
the wedding guests arrived, and were formally ushered into the
parlour; which, for the first, saw ladies enter without bonnets,
and vwith heads-some profusely, but many tastefully-decorated with flowers and curls, artificial and real. And never had
that room been so full of seats, varying from sofa to stool, or
of so many yards of silk, thread-lace, and bobinette! It had
the honour of sustaining the first fashionable jam ever known in
the Purchase!
Across the entry was a dining-room; which was now devoted
to the supper-table and its fixins. The supper differed, however, in no important point from  an eastern affair-except it
was twice as abundant.  But our furniture was very different.
Things went, indeed, by usual names; yet the plate and the
plates were very unlike modern articles: and they were different fiom themselves! All were antique vases, goblets, spoons,




426                THE NEW  PURCHASE.
and so forth, the relics of broken and by-gone sets; and
gathered, not merely from  all parts of the Union, but from
France, England, Nova Scotia, Scotland and Wales.  China and
silver representatives were on that table, of all the grand oldfashioned dignity once pertaining to the ancestry of the Woodville grandees; and whose pretensions to gentility thus shone
forth in a dumb show! Not a bit of plate, pretended or genuine,
but what had been borrowed, and several pieces had even been
sent voluntarily; so that Ned, one of the company without,
very properly said, in his vernacular:
" Well, bust my rifle, if I allowed thare was sich a powerful
heap of silver and chanery in these here diggins! I tell you
what, Dotnore! would't them  wot-you-callums buy up ne'er
about all Uncle Sam's land in these parts?"
It has been said, the incipient attempts to sublimate and crystalize society, were viewed by many with enmity: and hence
the male clarifiers had opposed any grand doings now, as the
whole might irritate, excite great prejudice, and even retard the
desired improvements.  That such fears were not groundless,
will appear in the sequel: but an episode is here necessary.
In many places of the Far West, in those days, was prevalent a custom  derived from  the Canadians, called Chevrcraai;
or, as pronounced by us in the Purchase, and spelled by Mr.
Nonpareil Primer, our College printer-Shiver-ree.  And that
looks and sounds as much like the thing as its echo.  Hence we
shall follow nature, or Mr. Primner-who was very natural in
spelling-and call the thing shiver-ree.  The shiver-reeing was
done by a collection of all physical bodies capable of emitting
sounds, from  a sugar-kettle to a horse-shoe; and from  the
hoarsest bass of the toughest hoosier, to the most acute treble
of the tenderest hoosierine-and all, at a signal, let off at once
under the windows, and in the very doors, of the marriagehouse.
Commonly fun only was designed; and the serenaders, goodhumouredly, retired after a dram  of some alcoholic liquor.
Still, a little frolicsome mischief was sometimes added.  For
instance, the shiver-ree-ers would insist on seeing the bride



THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    427
groom; and the moment he appeared, he would be transported
to their shoulders, and paraded round a few hundred yards, and
in the very centre of the music; after which he would be restored to his anxious bride, and the revellers, giving three
cheers, would retire.  The bridegroom  would, indeed, sometimes, be kept too long; as was the case with the young storekeeper, who had been of our cave party: for, the shiver-ree
folks, having, by a very cunning stratagem, caught this bridegroom, contrived to carry him away, and keep him locked up
in the jury-room of the Court-house till near daybreak, when
he was liberated! And all this, without his being able to identify one of his persecutors!
But the Shiver-ree was used, also, to annoy any unpopular
person or family.  And, then, not even double or quadruple
drams could purchase peace.  The moment always chosen to
begin the concert, was when the parties stood before the parson.
Then the power of his voice, the patience of the groom, and the
nerves of the bride, were all fairly tested.  The solemnization
was as publicly and loudly announced as by the roar of artillery
at royal celebrations. The art within was to elude the vigilance
of the party without: in which attempt, however, to the best
of my recollection, the party within was always preeminently
unsuccessful-it being not possible that aly movement could
escape a dozen practised eyes and ears watching for signs, and
usually aided by treachery within the house.
Well, to-night, with all experience against us, and although
notified, by ominous sounds of rehearsal, that the musicians
were ready, we tried the usual ways of eluding-such as dropping the curtains, appointing sentinels for doors and crevices,
and specially by keeping up no small noise ourselves, laughing,
talking, and screaming, up to the instant when Mr. Clarence
suddenly rose and met the bridal party, entering from an adjoining apartment.  Without delay, he began with the notice,
that, by virtue of a license in his hand, he appeared to unite in
marriage the parties named therein, viz.-John Glenville, of
Guzzleton, and Evelina B, of B: and, as the profoundest stillness yet prevailed without, we began to exchange




428               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
smiles of triumph, that, for once, Argus had been beguiled.
Even the preacher proceeded, with unwonted confidence, and
said, pro formula —" if any one present knows reason why the
parties ought not to be united in the bands of wedlock, let such
an one now speak -."  If anybody inside answered, the
voice was unheard in the horrid din from without, that interrupted and replied to the Reverend Gentleman's inquisitorial
words.
What the din resembled, the reader, if poetic and fond of
music, may imagine, when we run over the instruments of that
extra-transcendental quavering, quivering, shivering and roaring
uproar! —viz., two corn baskets full of cow-bells tied to saplings;-a score and a half of frying pans beat with mush
sticks;-two and thirty Dutch oven and skillet lids clashed as
cymbals;-fifty-three horse shoes, played as triangles;-ten
large wash-tubs and seven small barrels drummed with fists and
corn-cobs; one hundred and ninety five quills, prepared and
blown as clarionets;-forty-three tin-whistles and baby-tlumpets, blown till they all cracked;-two small and one large
military drums with six fifes, blown on D in alt., or thereabouts;-add imitations of scalp and war cries;-and inhuman
yells, screams, shrieks and hisses of the most eminent vocalists!
The human performers were estimated from two hundred and
fifty to three hundred and fifty! there being about two hundred
extra volunteers from other counties: —the whole mammothrabble-rouse being got up to do special dishonour to "'ristocraticul and powerful grand big-bug doins!"  There were also
super-human- vocalists!-of these directly.
Temperance had advocates ready to shoot, but not be shot for
her, in our party; hence when the ceremony was supposed to be
ended, by the parson's being seen kissing the wife, out started
the two groomsmen  and several volunteers with buckets,
pitchers, and cups, to molify the drinking part of the serenaders.
But when the customary doses were administered, not only did
the musicians not retire with the complimentary cheers, but remained and calling for "big-bug wine-fit for gentlemen!" and




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                   429
letting off at each repetition of the demand peals of shiver-ree;
till finding after all no wine forthcoming, they manifested symptoms of more serious riot and abuse.
This awakened an angry spirit in the bridal party; and
threats from  without were answered by menace from within;
while inquiries were made of our host what arms could be furnished for the defence of the castle. At this instant a window
sash behind the Miss Ladybooks was cautiously raised from
without, and before I could step thither to hold down the sash,
in leaped a musician-a four footed swine, some six months of
age, and weighing some fifty pounds! Master Grunter had
evidently entered unwillingly: and although in his descent he
availed himself of one lady's shoulder, and another's lap, he
trod elastically as an essenced exquisite, and scarcely deranged
a collar or soiled a frock!
The feat was cheered by piggy's associates; and the more, as
our ladies in avoiding the unclean gentleman, had sprung upon
chairs, sofas, and even tables, where their alarmed countenances
were visible above the curtains to the bipedalic hogs without.
Young Squeal, however, behaved himself just like a pig in a
parlour-he sneaked with a tight-twisted tail and vulgar grunt
under the grand bridal sofa: and thence, I forget how, he was
unceremoniously turned out among his former friends, where
he felt himself more at home.
Virginia and Kentucky blood was now approaching the boiling point; and a rush was made by some of us towards the
door-but there Dr. Sylvan had, with great wisdom, already
taken post to prevent if possible, either ingress or egress.
Still the door could not be kept wholly closed; and we thus
caught glimpses of performers mounted on the backs of performers-the super-human ones being large four-footed hogs,
which were held on human backs, by their front legs, advanced
hugging fashion, each side a human neck! As the rational
creatures capered up and down with their riders, those irrational ones, in terror and fierce indignation, were sending forth
those long, woful, keen, nerve-shaking appeals for release, that
we in simplicity had till now imagined masterly imitations of




430               THE NEW  PURCHASE.
some squeaking even better than piggy himself! Nothing like
the true hog after all!
Meanwhile, two thus doing piggy-back in reverse order, had
gradually advanced to the door; when the horse-pig essayed to
force a wider aperture, intending to incline forward and thus
allow the mounted animal to leap into the entry, and thence
into the dining-room to upset and demolish the table with its
goodies and silver.  But no sooner had the hog-ridden serenadei
thrust his hand into the aperture than Dr. S. aided by Harwood
forced the door against the member, and so held the gentlemar
that he cried out not wholly unlike Mr. Snout but a moment
before on his back, yet now let fall! It is wonderful how hard
a fellow can pull when his hand is thus caught! Why, spite of
all the force against him, he did jerk his hand out-and left nothing behind except the skin of a thumb with a nail attached!
-a scalp for the victors!
At the instant word came to the author, that his darling little
girl had gone into fits from fright! And when I beheld the
blood gushing from her nose, and her face pale and death-like* *  *-yes, I rushed out bare-headed and weaponless, followed by a few bold friends with lights, Dr. S. having left the
door to attend the babe! Our design was to catch some in the
act of riot, and make them answer at a legal tribunal. Aware
of this, the rabble fled as our lights advanced: but soon rallying in a dark corner, they began to salute us with groans, hisses,
and stones-and then rose the cry, " Knock'em  down!-drag
the big-bug yankees through the creek!" And so our situation
was momentarily becoming more and more critical, when a
well-known voice thus arose in our behalf:
" Bust my rifle!-if I'm goin to stand by and see that ither,
I say, or my name's not Ned Stanley-no! no! I tell'd you
to put off a hour ago, when me and Domore kim up, arter they
give us the fust dram.  Them folks ain't to my idee, no how,
but they've got rights as well as the best on us-and I ain't
agoin for to see'em trampled on no further no how. I say Bob
Carltin's a powerful clever feller, arter all, albeit he's thick with
big-bugs-and, bust my rifle, if any man knocks him down to



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     431
night, or drags him in the water, till he tries hisself fust on Ned
Stanley!"
" Them's my idees, Ned," responded the well-known voice of
Domore-" and it tain't us Woodill fellers no how, what's carried it so fur-it's them blasted chaps from the Licks and Nobs.
And I'm not goin ither to go agin a man what was with us in
Bill's cave-and if that leetle gal a hissin is gone in a fit, I'm
most powerful teetotal sorry I had anything to do with the fun
any how.  Come, come, darn my leggins, let's make ourselves
skerse-come, fellers, let's be off!"
Mobs, like other flocks and herds, follow their leaders by
instinct.  After all Virgil's poetical great man's power to
smooth down popular swells, this night showed he could have
done nothing that way in the Purchase-unless he had a cartwhip like a priest-and drove tame jackasses-ours were wild
ones.  For though the grave and reverend Clarence was with
us, no subsidence in the boiling sea was visible, till Ned and
Domore rose in their majesty; and while two or more schoolmasters were abroad in the land that night, the quelling of riot
and preventing of violence and bloodshed, was by radical leaders
destitute of learning and gravity, but full of courage, manly feeling and muscular power!
Man may be known from  books, but men and boys are different matters; and the phases of the genus Homo in the Purchase were then different from the phases elsewhere. Even a
genuine Hoosier mob is totally unlike a scum mob in an Atlantic city: generosity may be found in the former, none in the
latter. The first loves rather the fun, the latter, the plunder
and blood, of a riot. Fear of the military scatters the city mob,
an appeal to manliness disperses the Hoosier one.
Our retreat was left, of course, unimpeded; nor was the
annoyance renewed.  Yet the spirit of frolic was up; and aided
by the spirit of the still.  Hence, away rolled the tumult to the
forest; where the prowling panther and other denizens of the
lairs, were appalled by a tempest of sounds, such as never before had disturbed the solemnities of the grand old shades. And
the orgies of the drunken-god were celebrated as in primitive




432               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
times, when Orpheus was hired to lead home the raving wives
and daughters of his townsmen.
Next day, Dr. Sylvan and others dreading future results of
the Shiver-ree made inquisition for leading rioters. None, of
course, could be identified, save the man without the thumbskin; and he, taking the alarm, became "so skerse" as never
again to be seen in Woodville.  For a while, therefore, the
Shiver-ree was disused; but by degrees it was again introduced,
and when we left the Purchase it was there as popular and noisy
as ever.
CHAPTER LVI.
SIXTH YEAR.
"MAE. Alas, my lord, I have but killed a Fly!
TIT. But how, if that fly had a father and mother?
How would he hang his slender gilded wings,
And buzz lamenting doings in the air?
Poor harmless fly!
That with his pretty buzzing melody,
Came here to make us merry-And thou hast killed him!"
BY a recent charter of our college, it was appointed that the
Faculty should oversee the Students; the Trustees, oversee the
Faculty; the Board of Visitors, the Trustees; and the Legislature the Visitors-the people in general engaging to oversee
the Legislature, and the people of Woodville, the entire whole!
The cause of education was, then, well overseen! And yet our
circle was as vicious as that of the Church Militant and Insultant; which keeps its antagonist foundations in perpetual somerset-top and bottom being always at bottom and top-and yet
so circumferential as to be alike destitute of top or bottom, or
bottom or top-and bound by its infallibility to roll on for ever
in its absurdities!
And now was to be found the rara avis-the white crow-a
good President. Distant and learned gentlemen had answered
our first inquiries, by an earnest recommendation of Mr. Cla



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   433
rence; but so widely did that personage differ in opinion, that
he suppressed a letter. written to himself urging bim  by all
means to be a candidate. He plead his youth; and his wish to
remain in a subordinate post to perfect himself in his favourite
studies-languages, history, and mathematics.  He insisted,
also, that good professors were as important as a good president; and with a little allowable vanity, he added, if he should
make so good a president, as his friends' partiality led them to
suppose, it would be quite a loss to deprive the college of so
good a professor! He, therefore, did-unwisely as Mr. Carlton thinks-decline a nomination, and earnestly entreat the
Board to look out for " an older man!"
There were collecting just now reverend gentlemen at Woodville to form a travelling party towards the south to a famous
council, of which Clarence was also a member; and I having
business, was furnished with the most agreeable associates.
Regalists may sneer at dissenting and republican clergy; but I
repeat, what can never be repeated too often, that such clergy,
when evangelical and intelligent, aside from a spice of sectarianism-and a man without a spice is no man, but a sneaking
time-server-are the most benevolent, instructive, entertaining,
cheerful, and liberal of men. They condense and concentrate
most qualities, too, essential to good fellowship. They are
usually men of the greatest courage. And when and where
duty calls, whether into jeopardy of property, or character, or
ease, or limb, or life itself, no men more fearlessly or resolutely
encounter it.  A good man fears God-and that absorbs or
counteracts all other fears.
Exceptions occur; yet of intelligent and learned folks the
true clergy can and do, most easily and naturally, accommodate
themselves to opposite lives; and, not to acquire fame or money
or power, or do penance-but to do good.  Influence is, indeed,
thus acquired, yet not more than is right and desirable.  Far
from my beloved land be that hour, when her own republican
ministers shall have no literary, moral and spiritual influence!
God shield her from  the Egyptian darkness threatening from
yonder ominous cloud rising above the distant horizon-shaped
19




434              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
not like a man's hand, and pregnant with refreshing rains, but
like a man's toe portending contempt, spurning, overthrow and
subjugation.  But I smell faggots!-and I court not martyrdom
-and none can tell what Hugheous attempts may next be made
nor when! Sneer on! antipuritan! if you fear not for us, it is
high time, as Cato told Cmesar in the Roman Senate, we should
fear for ourselves! Bow your own base neck-we will never
bow ours!
Our party was increased at every ferry and cross path till
it numbered twenty-two; enough to hold meeting on horseback.
The time was mid Spring; and the old woods were glorying in
the sylvan splendours of new dresses and decorations. The sun
was, indeed, ardent, and rejoicing like one to run a race; but
then the dense foliage spread a screen over the pathway, while
the balmy breath of zephyrs, rich with perfume of wild flower
and blossom, fanned our faces and sported with the forest leaf
and spray. Beauteous birds and tribes of unseen animals and
insects from every branch and every bushy lair or cavern, were
pouring forth choral symphonies of praise.
Was it wonderful, then, that Christians going to a spiritual
congress, should be unable to restrain hymns of praise?  Out
upon rationalism, or any pseudo-ism  that makes men dumb
like-like-" beasts 2"  No; " insects V"  No;-these in the
woods God planted and nurtured for ages are vocal.  "Like
what then V" Like a German or a French Atheist.
Hymns then, as we rode, were sung; and, with heart and
voice, in the solemn and joyous words of king David.  God
was felt to be there! His grand temple was around us! How
like sons and daughters going home rejoicing! How like the
Church in the wilderness! We have before said, what in religion begins in poetry often ends in prose;-and so would be
the result now, iffanaticism should get up a system of protracted and locomotive meetings on horse-back! The poetry belongs only to the accidental occurrence.
Arrived in due time at the place of the council, I was induced
to remain a day and witness its proceedings. The weather
being favourable, and no cabin being large enough to accommo




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     435
date the hundreds of spectators, many of whom had come more
than a hundred miles, it was arranged to hold the sessions in
the woods.  Among the accommodations was a large wagon
body placed on suitable timbers, to serve for a pulpit; and
here, during the religious exercises, were seated all the clerical
members-making with their aggregate weight a half a ton of
theologians, if not of divinity. Here, also, during the secular
business, was seated the President,-and supported by his
scribes on the right and left.
But I was soon hurried from  this Nice council, by the stress
of worldly business; and that accomplished, it was necessary
for me to return alone to Woodville, and by a route then very
rarely taken by any person, and never before nor since by
myself.
On my first day, I was fortunately overtaken by a large
company, unlike my religious friends, and yet by no means unacceptable comrades in the vast wilderness I had just entered.
It was a Surveyor and his assistants, going to run some line, or
lay out some road.  In genuine Western style they welcomed
me not only to ride with them, but to participate their doughbiscuits and jerked venisol.  We beguiled the way, of course,
with anecdote and story of adventures and mishaps till tired of
telling and hearing; and then, recreation came on wings-in the
shape of horseflies!
The tame or civilized horse-fly of the Atlantic States, is well
enough as to size; and, when half starved, can bite reasonably
well;-but the ill-bred, barbarian horse-fly, or rather flies, for
the sorts are countless,-can't they bite! Like all hoosiery and
woolverine things, they are regardless of dignities; and hence
suck blood fiom  the rider as well as the horse! They even
make no distinction between merchancts and men! or between
the " brethren" and "the misters!!"  Very probably they
would suck blood from  the President of the United States!the greatest of all earthly potentates-(in breeches, of course!)
Ay! from Uncle Sam, and Brother Jonathan:-although their
blood so much excels that of the Russian Bear, or John




436              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
Bull! Nothing like the Great-Grand-North-American-Republican Horse-Fly! ten of them can kill a dandy!
Now, a man can endure a single fly: but a cloud pitching at
once on him and his horse, requires some patience and no small
activity and diligence. The best antidote is a duck's bill.
This, however, is inconvenient to administer, as it requires a
cessation of motion and a recumbent posture.  Indeed, to be
fully benefitted, one must lie down, as we saw a cow to-day at
a squatter's cabin, and permit, as she did, six active ducks and
one drake, to traverse the whole body, and gobble up and down
the flies at the instant of alighting, and make repeated successful snaps at them on the wing!
The best defensive armour would doubtless be to have one's
whole skin tanned-(leatherwise):-and next, are boots and
leggins, as far as they go: but summer coat and inexpressibles
are as good as-nothing.  Some advantage is found by inserting tops of broken bushes into every crevice of the horse-trappings; into the hat-band and button holes; and at the tops of
boots and leggins: yet, with all these, will be lots of work both
for the man's hands and the horse's tail.
I do wish Mrs. Trollope had been with us to-day.  If she had
seen nothing to amuse and interest her, I am certain we shouldalthough we had enough as it was.  To a student of nature,
how  interesting our appearance-all bestuck with bushes-a
grove on horse-back! whence issued human hands slapping
hard, as a Catholic self-inflicting penance! Then the madness
of a bushman missing a fly! and his triumph and malicious joy
in mashing one!  The horses, now stopping with one side to
stamp and bite! now springing away, to rub off the torment in
the bushes! and then their tails!-it did seem they would,
sooner or later, switch and swing loose, and fall off!
The grand exhibition, however, was by a poor brute of a
horse, with a short tail and a tipsy rider. As to the tail, that
had been partly amputated by some barbarian-there being a
fashion in horse-tails as in whiskers-and, added to that inhumanity, was the inconsiderate behaviour of a silly colt, into
whose mouth the tail-stump had fallen-the hair being all eaten




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    437
away by the said colt, till the denuded thing stuck out six
inches only, like a wooden article of the same name, glued to a
toy-horse, to show which end is not the head.  Think!-to be
with such a nake-believe tail, in a flock of horse-flies! And the
drunken rider had arranged no grove of bush-tops!!
Had the flies infested the human beast! but these sagacious
flocks knew what was for their health, and, therefore, stuck to
the horse; thus causing the animal to endure a thousand fold for
the sin of his master.  In vain, then, did he wag that stump of
a naked tail! in vain halt to stamp, bite, and kick! in vain vibrate his hide and the tip of the ears, till he seemed all over like
a church full of moving fans!-there stuck the flies! At every
halt; the rider kicked and basted; but never moved the horse
away till convinced halting, and biting, and kicking could not
dislodge his foes, and then he moved to be sure-but not ahead.
He did it sideways, till he reached some tree or bush, along
which he rubbed, crushing and sweeping off the flies; and often,
very much to our inward delight, barking the skin from his vile
master's legs!
At last, the flies, understanding the brevity of the tail, and
the defenceless state of the nag, attacked his quarters, head and
rear, covering, but not protecting, his entire flanks! What
could he do?  He reiterated his stamp-bite-vibration; he
sidled against trees, rubbing and kicking; and then, under the
combined attacks of whip, heels and flies, seizing the bit between his teeth, he, on a sudden, darted away as if borne on
wings himself! Pencil of Hogarth! paint that sight! Set
forth the trembling spice-bushes, divided, broken, crushed, by a
tornado borne on horse-heels! Draw that nag emerging, ever
and anon, from  thickets of thorn and briar!-a human leg, despoiled of leggin, rising horizontal, this side now, now that, and
instinctively, like the scales of justice, keeping the equilibrium
of a body recumbent, with head noddingand jerking, amid the
dishevelled and raggy mane of a horse-neck!-hands therein
clenched! Depict the flocks of surviving flies hanging over in
the air, and waiting for the race to end! And, oh! last, yet
not least, though so very little-oh! Do that tail!




438               THE  NEW PURCHASE.
It had played its part before; now it was worked with more
than one-horse power! It spun round as on a patent gudgeon!
It multiplied itself-now, a dozen tails-now, no tail at all!nothing appearing, save a white circumference, a streak made
by the bone where the article had been amputated! Its motion
was no longer to switch away flies; it was instinctive, and to
steer by: yet whether it failed as a helm, or steered as was designed, on our galloping up, there was the fly-bitten pony, wallowing pig-like in a delicious stream of spring water; and the
rider wading out about ankle-deep, and dripping! And so ends
about the tatil.
The tender-hearted will rejoice to know, however, that upon
this poetical justice administered by the horse, the master, now
a cold-water man and sobered, kept a whole wilderness of bushes
about both; and, that he abstained, that day at least, from his
whiskey-bottle-partly, I believe, though, because it was broken
in the fall.
Shortly after this I left the surveyors' company, and, pursuing a solitary trace, reached, late in the evening, my lodgingplace; where I learned I had yet forty miles to travel to reach
Woodville.
"Stranjer," said my host, "it's a most powerful woody country, and without no road, nor even blind trace worth namingit being a sort a kiver'd with ole leaves; and thar's no cabin
nearer nor King's-and that's more nor fifteen miles.  Howse'er, I'll set you over the river afore sun-up-and if you don't
miss the trace, then you kin git to King's for breakfast."
Almost devoured by flies, and then frightfully flea-bitten in
bed, my dreams were naturally fantastic; and I had visions of
howling wildernesses, tangled thickets, prowling panthers, and
great swollen, fiery serpents.  Woodsmen, also, I knew  had
been lost in that unsettled region; and even last summer two
persons had wandered about three days.  Yet, I longed to be
on my journey, and to know the worst; and, with a hope my
case would be different.  Beside, I had a secret ambition to appear well as a woodsman in Dornore's and Ned's eyes; and I
was aware Sylvan would even think better of me, if I crossed




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    439
such a wilderness alone. It was something of a task with such
men.
Accordingly, by early dawn I was ferried over the river, and
sat in my saddle, while my host, standing in his scow, and ready
to pole back, thus issued his final directions:
" Ride strate up-bank whare you be-then keep spang a-head,
across the bottim, without no turn at all, and, in a short quarter,
you'll strike the d'sarted cabin.  It's burnt now-but the logs
are some on'em a-lyin' in a heap-that's whare the poor squatter was murdered and skulp'd in the war time, by the injins.
Well-arter you git thare, ride round to the west ind of the ole
clerein, and you'll find the trace, sich as it is, if it aint kiveredand, if you get once fair on it-I sort a think you'll go safe
enough to King's."
That said, good-bys were shouted; while the scow swung
from the shore, and my noble creature ascended the bank; and
we began to go ahead for the burnt cabin.  Some declination
was, indeed, necessary to get round unleapable logs, impassable
thickets, and the like; yet, prior to such deviations, having
placed myself in a line with several objects before and behind,
I easily regained my course, and, in a short time came to the
cabin-ruins.  Here we paused an instant to contemplate the
scene-so like what I had pictured in reading border-tales!
But, haste and anxiety allowed only short delay, and I rode
quickly round to the west of the clearing; where, after a narrow
search along the edge of the forest I discerned the only semblance of a trace; and, into this, dashing with trembling confidence, I was soon hid in the shades of a true wilderness.
However romantic such a wild may be in print, my thoughts
in the wilderness itself, were all concentrated on one objectthe path.  And long time what seemed the path, dim always,
and sometimes obliterated, as it led far away into the gloom of
impervious shades, now turning almost back to skirt an impassable thicket, now tumbling almost perpendicularly into a deep
ravine, and now scaling its opposite side, then mounting a ridge,
then circling a pond of dark and dangerous-looking water, and
then vanishing for a few moments, as of necessity it passed




440              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
through patches of weeds and briars-long time this trace occupied all my meditations and excited my intensest watchings,
and kept me asking in a mental, and often an audible voice" I do wonder if this is the way 3" To which, as nobody else
replied, I would answer myself-" Well, I guess it must beif this is not, I'm sure I don't see any other!"
And then, as though poor Kate shared my anxiety, would I
say, " Come, Kate!-cheer up! you shall soon have your breakfast —let's hurry on to King's!" When, gayly tossing her fine
head, and shaking her flowing mane, she would, with her hoofs,
redouble the echoes; and away, away, with thrilling hearts, we
bounded onward and onward, and farther and farther into the
solemn grandeur of those primitive wilds!
In some two hours the trace, owing to the nature of the
ground, became better defined, and less interrupted; hence,
waxing confident, we indulged in a colloquy, self-congratulatory
and maybe self-laudatory, thus:
"Well, we're safe, after all, Kate, I do believe!-wonder
what Ned will say?-hey?"
To this Kate switched an answer with her magnificent tail,
and evinced increased eagerness to be going ahead; and so with
a real "hurraw! my noble Kate!-hurraw!" on my part, and
an additional snort on hers, we were streaking on at the rate
now of seven miles to the hour! And then, in about four
hours from the burnt cabin, we caught sight of King's cabin,
crowning a mound on the far side of a small stream.
Advancing to bespeak refreshments, I was met at the door by
a portly lady, who proved to be that King's wife; and though
no queen, was large enough for two queen patterns of the Victoria-Albert-size.
"Is this Mr. King's, ma'am V"
" Well, I allow so; but my ole man's from home-he's went
to a rasin two miles off     "
"You keep public, don't you, ma'am V"
"Well, I allow so; but King's tuk the bakun with him to the
rasin  -"
"Ay?-can't I get something for my nag 2"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   441
" Well, I allow so; jist go round to yan crib, and git what
cawn you like."
This done, and Kate left to enjoy as much " cawn" as was
wholesome, I entered the cabin and our conversation was
renewed.
" Well, but Mrs. King, ain't you got nothing at all a hungry
fellow can eat?"
" Stranjur-I'm powerful sorry-but we're teetotally out-he
tuk every bit of fbod with him     "
" What's that-up there?"
"Law, bless you, stranjur! that's a piece of most powerful
rusty flitch-tain't fit for a dog to eat  "
"Oh! ma'am, let's have it-why I can eat your dog himself
I'm so hungry."
"Ha! ha!-well you ain't proud like the Fakilty big-bugs
across thar at Wood'ill, that's sarten.  How I do wish King
hadn't a tuk the food! But you ain't in arnest about the yaller
fitch, are you?"
"To be sure!-clap on your skillet, Mrs. King!"
"Well-I do sentimentally wish it was better like.  Let's
see, here's a handful of meal in the bag arter all-and I'd a got
it afore, only I allowed you was proud like. But I see you're
none of that'are sort-'spose I do the meal?"
" Thank you, ma'am! I know you would give me the best
if Mr. King hadn't gone to the raising."
The skillet was soon hot; and then received as many slices
as could lie in comfort on the bottom. The colour of the dainty
had been originally amber, the fat being then semi-transparent,
as it was mast fed, i. e., fed on acorns and beech nuts. Time,
however, fatal to beauty, had incrusted the flitch with an oxide
of wonderful thickness and peculiar dirt colour, and turned its
lovely amber transparency into a decided and opaque yellow.
Something of the kind I had often seen in cot-days; when, on
being importunate for buckwheat cakes in the kitchen, Betty
often threatened my face with " the griddle-greaser!"
Mrs. King had shaken her bag into a large wooden bowl; and
the deposit was, one pint of second chop meal, minus half a gill
19*




442               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
something else, and a few horse hairs; for, bags in attending
mill are used as saddles and pommelled between inexpressibles
and perspiring horsebacks.  Water then was poured into the
compound; and the lady, after handling the mixture without
gloves, produced a handful of good chicken feed.  Then the
hissing flitch being hastily turned into a pewter plate with a
damaged circumference, the feed was splashed in, like mortar
into chinking, to be converted into corn bread. This transmigration over, the bread was associated with the flitch on the
cloudy pewter, Mrs. King remarking that, "her man had tuk
the crokry to the rasin;" and then, after wiping each thumb on
her woollen petticoat, she invited me with the formula, " Wellcome! set up."
I was soon seated on my rickety stool at the board, or rather
boards-as the table was of two such and a piece-and began
to flourish my blade-the knife belonging to'that irascible class
that had flown off the handle-and, also, I began to look for its
partner, the fork. But that had flown off with the handle, for,
said she-" He tuk all thar knives and forks but this poor bit
of a thing, and that was left'cos it had no handle!-but,
stranjur," continued she, "jeest lend me that a minit, and I'll
git you a fork."
Out, then, darted Mrs. King; and soon returned manufacturing as she came a fork, and saying thus: "Thar, stranjur, this'ere I split off a rail, and cut down a sort a so to a pint, it'll do
for a fork better nor your fingers-albeit, I'm powerful sorry
for our poor fixins."
" Thank you, ma'am! all the same-you've a kind heart; and
that's meat and drink in this world of ours, sometimes."
Yet these and other speeches were continually interrupted by
the rapid ingress of lumps of flitch and balls of bread.  I regret
to record, however, that while I used my fork to pin down the
fat till its reduction to mouthfuls, I was compelled to eat, like a
democrat, with my knife! I made, indeed, some amends to a
violated good-breeding, by sopping my gravy with bread in my
left hand-like a gentleman eating fish and other things, with a
leaky silver fork.  Singular  how the extremes of refinement
and hoosierism do meet!




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   443
Viainugzt   unntiu1nrh
"Well, I'm  powerful rite down glad you kin eat sich like
food! what mought your name be-if it's no offence?"
Carlton, ma'am; I live in Woodville-"
" Well-that's what I suspish'nd.  Ned Stanley was out here
last winter a huntin, and I heerd him tell on you-as how you
was a powerful clever feller-albeit a leetle of a big-bug. But
I'll take your part arter this-and IKing shill too,"
" Oh! Mrs. King, if we were all better acquainted with one
another, we'd all think better of our friends and neighbours.
But I must be off-what's the damage?"
"Bless me! Mr. Carltin, I don't take nothin for sich a meal!
Put up that puss, if you want to be friends-I'm powerful sorry
King's away-call here next time, sir, and I allow you'll git
somethin good enough for a white man."
" Thank you! Mrs. King, thank you. Well-please give me
directions-I'm not much of a woodsman."
" Well, you're comin on. Howsever you've kim the wust
ind of the trace, and won't find no diffikilty till about fifteen
miles on at the next settlement, Ike Chuff's-whare you mought
fbller a cow path-and so you'd better stop thar and axe."
In due time, and after a hard ride of thirty miles from the
burnt cabin, we came in sight of Ike Chuff's clearing. As the
trace ran plain and broad round the fence and across a small
ravine, I was unwilling to waste time with needless inquiries,
and, therefore, followed the line of path with undiminished
confidence.
The trace, indeed, narrowed-it once or twice vanished-all
that was no novelty; but at last we seemed to reach the vanishing point, for now, after the last vanish, the path never reappeared! In place of the one however, were seen four! and
those running in as many different directions and evidently,
like Gay's road-to no places at all! And so, for the neglect
of inquiring; Klte and I had been judiciously following a cowpath!




444              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
" Why not steer by the sun?V
That is easy enough, my friend, in a country where there is a
sun. I had, indeed, seen little of that " Great Shine" all day;
and for the last two hours nothing, a rain having then commenced which lasted till our reaching Woodville.
" What did you do then?"
Trusted to Kate to find the way back to Chuff's;-as we
had hardly gone two miles astray-and that she did in fifteen
minutes.
" What then?"
You shall hear for yourself-" Hilloo! the house!"
" Well-hilloo! what's wantin?"
"The trace to Woodville-I missed it just now."
"Sorter allowed so, when I seed you take the cow-path to
the licks-"
" Well, my friend, why didn't you hollow to me?"
"'Cos I allowed you mought a axed if you ain't a woodsman,
and if you be, you know'd the way to the licks as well as me."
"Thank you, sir; will you show me now "
"Take the path tother ind of the fence."
Neighbour Chuff's settlement differs, you see, in suavity
from King's.  Still, the IHoosier's direction was right; and with
nothing more romantic than ourfeed in the morning, we arrived
pretty much used up to a late dinner in the evening at Woodville-having done more than forty wilderness miles in about
twelve hours! For the whole, however, I was rewarded, when
Dr. Sylvan that night called at our house and said with an
approving smile:
" Pretty well done! pretty well done!  After this I think we
may dubb you a backwoodsman."




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   445
CHAPTER LVII.
"Ha  ha I ha I D'ye think I did not know you, Hal?"
DR. SYLVAN'S visit was to announce the favourable reply of
Dr. Bloduplex to the letter of the committee. But the people
were in a new tumult; and a petition to the next Assembly was
circulating for signatures, praying that the Trustees be ordered
to expel either Clarence or Harwood, or both; and that while
Bloduplex should be elected as President, the professors should
be taken each out of different sects. For, reader, the two existing members of the Faculty were both Rats; and Dr. Bloduplex
was of the same denomination! This, however, was then the
natural result of circumstances-that sect being twenty-five
years since preeminent in learning, talent and enterprise. And
this I am bound as a true historian to declare, although Dr.
Bloduplex and myself do not belong to the same sect! —an
impartiality to be remembered to my credit hereafter.
I perceive we have thoughtlessly given a clue to the sect
meant. For when it is found by the reader what sect twentyfive years ago was preieminent in the respects named, my secret
so nicely kept is out-he has discovered the Rats! But if such
sect cannot be found, then among the fictitious things of this
book will, I fear, be placed our worthy President, the Rev.
Constant Bloduplex.
In this emergency, it occurred, that another petition in aid
apparently of the other, and yet subversive, by reducing its
principles to an absurdity, should be sent to the Legislature, as
the proper way for "Hoosier to fight Hoosier."  Something
must be done, because our magnates at the Capitol would certainly essay something disastrous to the college. Hence, the
suggestion meeting Dr. Sylvan's approbation, the framing of




446               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
said petition was committed to Mr. Carlton; when in a few
days the following able paper-hem! —was submitted, corrected, approved, and adopted by our friends:
"To the Honourable the -Representatives of -   in Geeral Assembly
convened at Timberopolis, this Petition of the People of Woodville and
the New Purchase generally, is respectfully submitted:
"First, that the existing ]Faculty of our College be requested
to resign before the election of a President, that all denominations may have a fair and equal chance for places:
"Secondly, that, there being nine religious sects in our State,
and three of philosophers, viz: the Deistical, the Atheistical,
and  the  Fanny-wright-dale-owen-istical-three  members of
Faculty be annually elected out of each and every of these
twelve sects and bodies-each set of three to serve one month,
till the year ends, and then to recommence with other sets of
three, and so on till the end of time.
"Among many unanswerable reasons for this petition, we
urge only four:
"1. It is the true Anti-federal Democratical and Pure Republican course, founded on rotation: for it is useless to assert that
all have a right to become Professors, unless it can be shown
possible and practicable:
"2. It will promote learning: for, when manifest that everybody, in turn, can be Professor, everybody will go to studying
to get enough to last him at least a month:
"3. It is said, confidently, by some sectarian leaders, that if
they were in, their sects would each send one hundred students
to College.  Hence, all sects doing the same-as all will when
one does-our College flourishes at once with twelve hundred
students!!
"4. The amazing cheapness of the plan.  It will cost nothing,
except travelling expenses! Your petitioners have been repeatedly informed, that no Democratic Republican and patriotic Citizen will charge a dollar for his one month's professional services!
-but that all will serve for the honour! and hence our Transmontane Commonwealth shall show to the Whole Admiring




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    447
World, the noble sight of the Greatest, Most Wonderful, Most
Powerful Free School System in the Universe!!!!
"This petition, and reasons, are respectfully submitted, and
your petitioners-all, at least, that acknowledge a Supreme
Being-will ever pray," etc.
This petition was copied by James Sylvan, the Doctor's
nephew; who, being a talented young man, the paper was
generally attributed to him.  When circulated, it soon had the
proper number of signatures-a few signing with a full understanding of its nature, and not a few believing it auxiliary to
the other, and already signed by them! These latter thought,
if one petition would do good, two would do more.
Sorry am  I to say, both Ned and Domore signed both
papers!  Yet, afterwards, Ned insisted, with the most awful
"busts of his rifle!" that he had signed the first only to please
his neighbours! and then ours, to counteract the other's evil
tendency!! Ned had a little of the Falstaff in him-and Shakspeare drew from life.
Well, the petition was forwarded about Christmas: and a
waggish member, who affected to be a very Adams in defence
of the right of petition, contrived to present our paper before
the appearance of its enemy. And the effect, they say, was such
on the risibilities of our "grave and reverend seignors," that
William Cutswell, Esq., who had charge of the other paper, did
himself join heartily in the laugh-he always laughed if the
majority indulged-and never took the true people's-people's
petition from his pocket! In justice must it be said, that, while
that petition had been drawn up by himself ad hoosierandum,
he was secretly glad to have it defeated. Still, he condoled
with the signers, by lamenting and condemning the "unhappy
state of indecorum  at the time too prevalent in the House,
which rendered it unadvisable to submit grave and important
matters to their consideration!"




448               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
CHAPTER LVIII.
" In vain, alas I in vain ye gallant few I
From rank to rank your vollied thunder flew I"
"    -         never did I hear
Such gallant chiding, for, besides the groves,
the skies, the fountains, every region near
Seem'd all one mutual cry I"
THIS autumn was remarkable for wild pigeons.  The mast
had failed elsewhere; while with us, the oak, the beech, and all
other nut-trees, had never borne more abundant crops. The
woods, therefore, teemed with hogs, squirrels, and all other nutcrackers, that, like the primitive men of poetry, preferred this
acorn-life.
How many swine were slaughtered this fall, I never learned:
but, within  six weeks, our upper and lower regiments of
hunters, and simply by shooting occasionally around their clearings, on counting, at the muster, their squirrel scalps, found the
sum more than thirty thousand!
As to pigeons, the first large flocks attracted no unusual
notice: and yet, were they mere scouting parties from the grand
army! For, within a week, that army began to arrive, as
though flocks had never before been seen! and all the birds
under the whole heavens, had been congregated into one company! Had the leaves of our trees all been changed into birds,
the number could have been no greater!
With a friend, I stood in an open space in the woods, two
miles east of Woodville, from ten o'clock, A. M. to three o'clock,
P. M.-five hours-during which, with scarcely thirty seconds'
intermission, a stream of pigeons, about two hundred yards
wide, akd averaging two layers, flowed above us, and with the




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   449
rapidity of thought! It was an endless hurricane on wings,
rushing innoxious, yet with such an uproar as seemed to be
prostrating the forests: and the deep reverberating thunder, in
the distant wilds, seemed to announce the fall of their ponderous
and ancient trees! Never had I felt the awe and solemnity of
sound thus; even in beholding the wind-tempest pass over the
same wilds, bowing the submissive woods, and bearing onward
their wide tops, as if mown off with an angel's scythe!
It will readily be thought, our hunters and sportsmen were in
all places firing away at the living torrent: and yet with but
small loss to the pigeons. Rifles are useless in firing at very
distant and flying troops; and we had not more than a dozen
Leather-stockings in the Purchase, able to single out and kill a
bird at a time.
" Why not use shot-guns?"  What a question! "Well-but
why 2"  Why, first and foremost, that toy could not be found
in twenty houses in the whole Purchase.  Secondly, our men
could hardly be coaxed to use the thing, both out of contempt,
and, what may seem strange, out of a little fear; for, as Ned
said, "the spiteful critter kick'd so powerful."  Beside, it is
unfavourable to rifle-shooting to acquire the dodge taught by a
shot-gun. But, lastly, the pigeons usually flew twenty yards
above our trees-and that rendered the Mantons, or any best
shot-guns, as efficacious nearly as-a quill and a slice of potato.
However, all the shot-guns and horse-pistols were sought and
fixed, so feverish became the excitement, and since there were
half-cut backwoodsmen enough, and some degenerate natives to
use them.  But here was the next difficulty; powder was
plenty,-yet, who had shot?  In our store was not a pound;
and it was the same almost in the others. Still, a few pounds
were ferretted from lurking places, and readily sold at thirtyseven and half cents for a scant pound:-whence was proved, that
a pound of lead in shot-shape, is not even as heavy as a pound
of feathers!-the air-pump to the contrary notwithstanding.
With immense persuasion, Ned and Domore consented to
shoot horse-pistols: but they both utterly refused to fire off
" store-shot." And, like some others, they hammered bullets




450               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
into bars; which were then cut into cubes and triangles, this
being " a sort a shootin bullets, and no inkuridjment to storekeepers to bring out their baby shot!"
In justice to my own manhood, it must be told, I stooped not
to the shot concern till after several days' failure in hitting with
my rifle, a single bird, at one hundred and forty yards, and
moving as near like "the greased lightning" as possible: nor
then, before the following accident showed there may be danger
in firing a rifle as well as a shot-gun. Satisfied that the rifle
must be fired now by the doctrine of chances, and not of " the
sights;" and that the chance with one bullet was a " slim chance,"
it seemed better to multiply chances, and load with two balls
instead of one.  And yet the spaces between the flying birds
were as plentiful as birds; and, into these spaces the two balls
chanced to go when they parted company, or, if they stuck together, it was, after all, but one chance. Therefore, we at last
ventured on patching the balls separately; and then, indeed, the
effect was considerably different; not, however, upon  the
pigeons, but at my end of the gun: for, at the flash, I was suddenly driven partly around, and with a tingling in the fingers
supporting the barrel, while about me, for several yards, lay the
silver mounting and ornaments of my rifle!
" What was the matter?"
The piece had burst; and the stock was shattered up to the spot
sustained by my left hand! and, yet, had I received no material injury! On the same day, and from the same cause-air
intercepted between the patched balls-another rifle burst; and,
although the owner remained with its butt only in his hand, he
too was unharmed midst the scattered fragments of wood and
iron. Ned's remark about the accidents, was paradoxical, for he
" Bust his rifle, if he allowed a rifle would a.busted no how!"
After this, I descended to the shot-gun. But, while I took my
station in the opening already named, and, furnished with two
and a half theoretic pounds of different sized shot, fired away till
all was expended, I was rewarded with only two pigeons-these
being from  a small cloud that, by some accident, flew a few
yards below the tree-tops, and being both killed at one fire.




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   451
One evening, shortly after sunset, Ned Stanley brought a report into the village, that the pigeons were forming an encampment for the night somewhere to the south-east. And, not long
after, this was confirmed by Domore, who had surprised an
out-post, nestling in the woods within a mile and a half of Woodville.
Had a scout brought intelligence of a hostile Indian band, our
town could not have been more effectually roused and speedily
armed.  And now, verily, shot-guns and shot rose a thousand
per cent. —like caterpillars' eggs in the mulberry fever: and
every where some body met any body and every body, legs and
all, full tilt in search of the article! Turkeys, sang, coon-skins,
ven's'n-hams, and even cash-hoarded to buy land!-were offered for guns, pistols, and shot!-and, all round, could be seen
and heard men and boys hammering, rolling, and cutting shot!
Indeed, many intended to fire this extemporaneous shot out of
-rifles! And when hunters, or even semi-hunters, can so demean these-the temptation and excitement must be prodigious!
Some could not procure even rifles; and these persons, by the
aid of Vulcanus Allheart and his boys, had old pistol and gunbarrels hastily mounted on rude stocks, to be fired in partnership, one holding the matchlock, and the other " touching her
off" with an ignited stick or cigar.
" What was all this stir about 2"  Why, for a night attack
on the Grand Roosting Encampment! For, since the Purchase
became a purchase, never, in the memory of our oldest and
most respectable squatters, had such an occurrence happened,
as for the pigeons to roost so near Woodville! Now, some
had read in Ornithology, and others had been told by people
from Kentucky-oh! such wonders about roosts and encampments! how pigeons covered all the branches! and then perched
on one another, till the trees became living pyramids of feathers!
And how, then, all tumbled down and killed themselves, till
the ground was covered with dead pigeons, oh! as much as
two feet!-like quails round the Israelitish camp! Yes! and
the pigeons slept so sound, and were so averse to flying in the
dark, that you could walk up and gather birds from trees like




452              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
wild-plums in a prairie! Yes, indeed, and that the farmers used
to camp near a roost, with droves of hogs; which-after the
farmers had barrelled up enough birds for winter-were driven
in every morning to be fattened on dead pigeons!
" Did you believe all that, Mr. Carlton?"
Well-I was but mortal-beside, every body said it would
be such a most mighty powerful smart chance to get such a
heap of pigeons! I did not, indeed, go as far as some; for I
never expected to find them two feet high, already dead, and,
maybe, picked and ready for the skillet. Besides, I wanted to
go, and " who knows," says I to myself, " if there mightn't be
some truth in the account after all." Hence, after five minutes
cogitation, I hurried down after Clarence and Harwood-but,
mark it, reader, I was met by those learned gentlemen, hastening
up to Carlton's store, to consult on the same subject! For these
persons, living in the edge of the forest, knew well enough that
the pigeons were camping, from the thunderings, like the deep
and solemn mutter of an earthquake-although the nearest point
of the camp proved nearly three miles distant-and hence,
quite as excited and credulous as we small fry, they were posting up town to join a party:' Which way? Which way? neighbours!"
"Coming up to your store-are you going down to College?"
"I was-did you hear what Domore and Ned say?"
"No —but, hark! don't you hear them?"
"What!-is that the pigeons 2"
"To be sure! —Carlton, won't you go?"
"That's what I was coming down for   -"
"That's your sort-agreed.  Going to take a gun?"
"No-guess not: all Woodville is out with guns —pistolsrifles-match-locks-and big keys, with touch-holes filed inlet's only take things to carry back birds in."
"Agreed-they say you can pick a barrel under a treewhat shall we take?"
" Bags?"
"Yes-and a long string to tie them by the legs, and carry
back on a pole!"




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   453
"Ready now, Carlton?"
"Yes-yes —yes! let's keep on."
" Well, stop at my house," said Clarence, "and there we'll
fix a bag and some twine, and so lose no time."
All was done quick as a squirrel's jump. Then guided by
the sound, we put out, regardless of a course, and unable to discern objects dubious in the dim light of a waning moon, and
partly obscured by clouds. We were in Indian file,-now
trotting, now running, and occasionally walking-here stumbling
over logs —there scrambling up and down gullies-then diving
into sink-holes —then ripping through briar swamps! The conversation was monosyllabic and suggestive, performed with no
little blowing and palpitation, and broken abruptly by exclamation, thus: —
"Hark!"
"Ye-e-s!"
"Like-ooh!-thun-der!-hey!"
"Ve-ry! Got —bag?"
"Ooh!-yes! You-ooh!-got —string 2"
" Oho! ouch — no! he's got it-ooh!"
" What now? oho! ouch —bad briars here!" etc., etc.
In about two miles, even this laconic dialect was difficult to
use, being lost in the roar of pigeon-thunder-mingling with
which was heard, however, the artillery, the outcries and shouts
of our gallant village troops!
"Yes! hark! —they're pelting away! Come! come on!
Get that bag ready —pull out those strings —hurraw!".And yet it was curious-we had come to no outposts!-had
caught no drowsy sentinel pigeons on their roosts! What on
earth made the thunder so late at night?  How could pigeons,
packed on one another, and with heads comfortably stuck under
wings, keep up such an awful noise?  Was it snoring?  Ay!
maybe it was the noise of pigeons tumbling down, and trees
breaking -
Hark! a storm rushes this way! How sudden the moon is
hid! Is that a cloud? Yes, reader, it was a storm-but of
pigeons rushing on countless wings! It was a cloud-but of




454              THE  NEW  PURCHASE,
careering and feathered squadrons! The moon was hid-and
by a world of startled birds!
In vain our search that night for pigeon bearing trees! In
vain our bag and three strings! We might have filled a bolster
with feathers; but no bird living or dead burdened either our
sack or lines! The myriad hosts for miles and miles were on
their wings! and guns were flashing away in hopeless vengeance
and idle wrath! Neither shot nor ball could reach that world
of wild fowl safe mid the free air of Heaven! Pitiful our bag
and string — pitiful our very selves! and all Woodville gazing
from the dark depths of the woods upward on that boundless
canopy of sounding, black, and rushing pinions!
To remain was worse than useless-it was hazardous; at
every flash of gunpowder, showers of shot foreign and domestic
fell like hail on the leaves around us —and we fancied rifles
cracked as if speeding balls, and that we heard the peculiar
whistling of their death dealing music! And we turned to go
home.  But the way thither had now become a question.  That
we were about three miles distant was probable; yet after
turnings and windings in the dark, our puzzle was no wonder.
Besides the moon, as if unable to penetrate the clouds of wings,
had never re-appeared; and clouds of another kind had succeeded, whence heavy and frequent rain-drops now pattered on
us!
At last we decided our course by instinct; in which we
satisfactorily learned that human instinct is inferior to brute:
for after a trot of ten minutes, sudden torchlights crossed
our way at right angles, and a voice from  one carrier thus
hailed
"Hilloa! whar're you a travellin V"
"To Woodville-who's that'"
"To Woodville!-bust my rifle if you ain't a going a powerful strate course on it "
"Why Ned, is that you'"
"That's the very feller; why Mr. Carltin if you keep that
course, you'll reach the licks about sun-up!-why this here's
the way-foller our trail."




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    455
"Ha! ha! Ned, I thought I was a better woodsman-keep
a-head, we'll follow."
" Well, you're puttee smart in the day-light, Mr. Carltinbut it's raythur more hardish to strike the course of a dark
night."
"Where's Domore, Ned?"
"Foller'd arter the  ~  pigins     "
"Don't swear, Ned; the preacher's here.  Did you get any 2"
"Git any! Nobody didn't git none.  Bust my rifle if this
aint a judgmint on the settlemint for firing shot-guns and shot
out o' rifles!"
" I think myself, Ned, shot-guns had something to do in scaring the birds so. But how far yet to Woodville?"
"Well, I can't jist about say sartinly-it taint more nor four
miles no how-'spose we a sorter stop talking-it hinders
runnin; and here goes for a fresh start."
And start fresh did Ned and his party, and at a rate extrerly prejudicial to easy conversation, and giving us genteel
folks work enough to keep in sight of the torches.  In little
more than an hour, however, we stood in the edge of the clearings; when our course being pointed out by Ned, the parties
separated, and I went with Harwood and Clarence to take supper at the house of the latter-a supper ready to greet our arrival with a bag and string of pigeons!
I acknowledge it-this is a very tame and spiritless end of our
pigeon-tale-a very bad dove-tailing! Yet is it as natural as
our flat and unprofitable feelings, when we sat down about
twelve o'clock that night at Clarence's to an overdone, burnedup, tasteless supper-our poetry and romance all flown away
with the pigeons, and washed out by the rain! However, we
may add, that many followed the pigeons all night; and once
or twice small flocks were found settled on trees, where about
one hundred in all were killed-but the grand body was never
overtaken. It continued, perhaps, on the wing till a favourite
roosting-place, some hundred miles south, was reached, that be



456              THE NEW  PURCHASE.
ing their direction. Domore got back at eight o'clock next
morning, having done twenty-five miles, and obtained twentytwo pigeons, with his hand, however, much injured by the recoil
or bursting of his horse-pistol. Hence shot-guns were in worse
odour than ever, and no light curses heaped on "all sich spiteful bird-skerers and them what made and shot em!"
Domore, indeed, soon recovered: when his first rifle-shot
afterward was so melancholy in its consequence, as to make
him abstain from his favourite weapon and hunting for many
months. With that account we conclude this chapter.
He went out several hours before daybreak, and lay in wait
at a salt-lick for a deer. Here he waited patiently till the
dawn; and then, opposite his station his keen eyes discovered,
in the bushes, the cautious approach of an animal, and soon he
caught a glimpse of its body. To flash his eye through the
sights and to touch the trigger was instinctive-and then came
the cry, not of a wounded deer or bear, but of human agony!
Domore flew to the spot; and what was his horror there to see
bleeding on the ground, and apparently dying, poor Jesse
Hardy, his intimate friend, and the honest fellow who had been
with us in the cave!
He, too, had come to watch the lick; and had Domore been
later than Hardy, their fates, perhaps, had been reversed! Generally great precaution is employed by our hunters to prevent
such mishaps, yet sometimes with all, they do occur. Happily
in the present case, the wound, though severe, was not mortal,
and Hardy in a few minutes so recovered as to speak; when
Domore, after doing what seemed proper, left his friend for fifteen minutes, and then was again on the spot with the assistance
of a neighbouring family. The wounded man was carefully removed to the cabin; and Domore mounting a horse, darted
away full speed for Dr. Sylvan. The doctor came; and being
a skilful surgeon, as he had in that capacity served in the war a
regiment of mounted riflemen, he used the best means of cure;
and in two months, by the divine favour, poor Jesse was able to
return to his domestic duties. During this confinement Domore
did all he could for his friend, and also for the widow-mother,




TIE  NEW  PURCHASE.                      457
supplying as far as possible the place of a son; and although
after Jesse recovered, Domore hunted again with his rifle, he
never again, while we were in the Purchase, went out to watch
a lick.
CHAPTER LIX.
"Like other tyrants death delights to smite
What, smitten, most proclaims the pride of power
And arbitrary nod. His joy supreme
To bid the wretch survive the fortunate;
The feeble wrap the athletic in his shroud,
And weeping fathers build their children's tomb."
SCARCELY had the gloom from the late melancholy occurrence
been dispelled, before our settlements were trembling at reports
of a coming, resistless, unpitying, destructive foe-the Asiatic
Cholera!
Innumerable were our schemes to turn aside, evade, or counteract, this fell disease; and all fear of other sickness and death
was absorbed in fear of this!  As if God had only one minister of vengeance, or of chastisement!  As if He was to be
dreaded in the thunder and tempest, and forgotten in the calmness and sunshine!  Indeed, that only dreaded death then came
not;-God sent another messenger of terror and of mercyThe Scarlet Fever!
This disease appeared first, and without apparent cause, in
the family of Dr. Sylvan. Thence, in a few weeks, it spread,
carrying death and mourning into most of our habitations. It
followed no known law, sometimes yielding, and then refusing
to yield to the same treatment, and in the same as well as different families: and often in other places resisting the established, or different, or even opposite treatment, and sweeping
all into the grave! The cholera then had no alarms! The
King of Terrors was among us in forms as frightful and destructive!
Then was it, dear one! after days and nights of ceaseless and
20




45S              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
anxious watchings, and after fitful alternations of hope and fear,
we saw those eyes, so soft, and yet so brilliant, suddenly and
strangely quenched-as though life had retreated thither to a
last refuge, and death, having long before triumphed over thy
dear, clear form, did there, as a last act, put out that most
precious light 
What didst thou mean by those mysterious words in the
dying strife?-" Father! father! how tired I am!"  Was it so
hard to die.?-       *  Didst thou hear, in answer, the wailings
of bitterest anguish?-or feel on thy cold cheek the last kisseswhile tears wet that face, changing and passing for ever?   * * 
Sleep, dear babe! in thy bed under the forest-leaves, amid those
lone graves-we shall meet, and, never to part-no! never!
Clarence had buried two children in the far east: he was now
called to lay another in the far west.  That Sabbath morning
can never be forgot! Among others, who suffered most, was
our fellow-citizen, Mr. Harlen.  His four children were all deaf
mutes.  Two of these had died in succession, at an interval of
eight days: and, when the second lay in its little coffin, in front
of the pulpit in the Methodist chapel, the third, a fine boy, nine
years old, distressed at some supposed error, stole from  his
weeping parents in the church, and, advancing to the coffin of
his dead brother, placed the bier as to him seemed suitable and
decorous! Poor darling one! on the next Sabbath he lay in
his own coffin on that same bier, and before that same pulpit!
And another coffin, and another bier, were there-and the chief
mourner was Clarence! The heartbroken parents of the mutes
-ay! mute, indeed, now!-had entreated him  to pray for
themselves, if possible, that day in public! He did so.  And
over the coffins of their dead children, he spoke to others and
himself too, words of consolation; and offered prayer to Him
that can, and did bind up the broken in heart, and raise up them
that were bowed down!
Mournful train! The vision is before me ever-as it emerges
fromn the house of God! It slowly ascends the hill!-the two




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                     459
coffins!-the two stricken households! The train is entering
the Forest Sanctuary! They are separating, some to lay the
deaf one with his kin-some to see the stranger lay his babe
near my buried one! -
~.       *       ~       *        ~       ~       *
Reader! I now write many things in playfulness-none
in malice-yet, years of my life passed, when sadness only was
in my heart; and words and thoughts of pleasantness were impossible! Ay! the gloom of hell, if not its despair, possessed
my soul! But, I have found religion not inconsistent with great
and habitual cheerfulness.  Nay, thoughts of death, judgment,
and eternity, may be ever present, and ever dominant in a
mind taught by many sorrows to make light of the things of
time and sense!
How do these solemn words and things sort with thy cheerfulness?  For, remember, by the agreement or disagreement,
your character is: and that thine most certainly, as mine, areDeath-Judgment-Eternity!
CHAPTER LX.
SEVENTH YEAR.
"'ll give thrice so much land
To any well-deserved friend:
But in the way of bargain, mark ye me,
I'll cavil on the ninth part of a hair."
"Now, my co-mates, and brothers in exile,
Hath not old custom made this life more sweet
Than that of painted pomp?"
CHEER UP!-reader!-after the Barbecue, at Guzzleton, we'll
soon be out of the wood.
Before his marriage, John Glenville had located on the river;
where, being part owner of a tract of land, it was determined to
make the village of Guzzleton.  And of all places in the world




460              THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
this was a-place.  It abounded in wood and water, and was
convenient to the river, or-could be so; the county road
went within half a mile, and if desired would, no doubt, come
right through the town; and there might be rail-roads and
canals across it, in every direction. Nay, all the advantages of
Paperville itself would in due time concentrate in Guzzleton!
Yea, it would eclipse Woodville! Indeed if some folks did not
look sharp, the Legislature would remove to Guzzleton the State
College, or at least create there a branch College!
Hence, in the tremendous excitement, lots at the first sale,
were bid off at fine prices, to be paid afterwards; and then the
settlers began to pour in and build! But after Glenville's own
dwelling and store-house, Tom  Beecher's tannery, and two
cabins, one for a cobler and the other for a tailor, had been
erected, the rage for improvement ceased; and as yet the place
was only Little Guzzleton!
The Patroons, however, thought if a Fourth of July could be
got up, and the place become a centre for stump-speeching,
electioneering, horse-jockeying and other democratical excellences, a fresh start would be given to its growth, and the town
become Great Guzzleton.  Hence this summer, on the Fourth,
was to be there a grand Barbecue, with the reading of the Declaration of Independence, and great speeches from  Robert
Carlton of Woodville, and other fellow-citizens!
On the third of July, Harwood and myself went over to indulge in a prefatory " cut up" with Glenville, and to witness the
arrangements for the Barbecue. And as such an affair may be
novel to some, we shall confine ourselves to that; taking for
granted most have once or twice heard the Declaration and also
the patriotic orations of the season.
The spot for the Barbecue was an enchanting plateau below
the cliff on which Guzzleton stood, and yet sufficiently above the
river, to be considered table land.  It was about one hundred
yards long by fifty yards wide, and covered with fine luxuriant
grass, usually cropped by cows and horses, but now smoothly
and evenly mown with scythes. The hackberry, the buckeye,
the sycamore, and other trees, less abundant than elsewhere,




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    461
were, yet, plentiful enough for ornament and shade; and this
had led to the selection.
Near the centre of this sylvan saloon was the table.  This
was eminent for strength more than elegance; but still for the
place, the occasion, and the company, was the very table.
Cabinet work would have sorted poorly with the wildness.
The table was one hundred and fifty feet long; and consisted
of two-inch planks in double layers, resting every ten feet on
horizontal pieces of saplings; which in turn were supported by
strong forked saplings planted several feet in the earth. Neither
nail of iron, nor peg of wood, confined the planks-they reposed
by their own gravity.  Yet an unphilosophical arrangement of
fixins, or an undue resting of plebeian arms and elbows did, now
and then, disturb the gravity of the table in places; and that
disturbing the gravy upset also the gravity of the companyspecially the ungreased portion.
Seats differed from the table in being lower and not so wide.
They ran pretty near parallel with its sides; and were low
enough, that our mouths be as near the food as possible-so
that if the legs were judiciously disposed under the table, and
the head properly inclined above, the contents of one's plate
could be shovelled into the masticating aperture with amazing
dexterity and grace.
On each side of the table, ten feet distant and at intervals of
five feet, were planted in the earth small trees with all their
green and branching tops; and these tops forced together and
tied with bark-twines over the table, formed a romantic arcade
seemingly of living trees evoked by the wand of enchantment to
adorn and shade!
Far as possible from the arcade, was the place of the Barbecue
Proper.  And that was a truly gigantic affair! It was no contemptible smoke-jack, steam-spit, rotary-stove contraption to
cook a morsel of meat and a half a peck of potatoes with an
apron of chips! or two hands full of saw-dust! or a quart of
charcoal! It contemplated no fricasee for two or three guests
beside the family! No! no! it was to do whole pigs! whole
sheep! whole calves! whole turkeys! whole chickens! and




462               THE  NEW  PURCHASE.
for a whole settlement-and all other settlements invited as
guests!
A trench was cut in the ground some twenty feet long, four
wide and three deep! And that trench was full of logs lying on
brushwood, all to be set on fire that night, that a mine of living
coals be ready for the morning's cookery!  On the Fourth,
about day-light, fresh logs and brush were added; and thus in
due time this whole kitchen was a glowing and burning mass!
Strips of nice white hickory were, at cooking time, laid at intervals across the fiery trench; their ends resting on stones or
green logs along the edges of the range, and thus constituting a
clean, simple, and most gigantic wooden gridiron. And then the
beasts and birds, properly cleaned, skewered, peppered, salted
and so on, were all and at once, spread out whole over the
mammoth hickory iron; each creature being divided longitudinally on its bosom side! And each was kept spread out by
hickory pieces or stretchers, and seasonably turned by two men,
on opposite sides, with long hickory forks and pokers! Never
such a cooking! It seemed as all the edible creatures of the
Purchase had taken an odd fit to come and be barbecued for the
mere fun of it!
Nor was this wholesale barbecuing deemed sufficient! During
the evening of the third, and early on the fourth, backwoodswomen were hourly arriving with boiled hams, loaves of wheat,
pones, pies, tarts, sorrel-pies, Irish potato-pies-and things unknown to fashionable gourmands and confectioners;-also, meal
in bags, and baskets, till provisions were piled in kitchen, and
arbours, and carts like-oh! like-everything!
Our Fourth was ushered by the roar of Hoosier artillerylog-guns done by boring solid trunks with a two-inch auger.
These filled with powder, and stopped with a wooden plug, were
fired by means of an enormous squib, or slow match; and made
a very reasonable noise considering they could rarely be fired
more than once, being wonderfully addicted to bursting! The
day itself was bright and cloudless; and during the greatest
heat we were so sheltered under the grand old trees, and our
enchanted arcade, as not to be oppressed; while the river flowed




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                    463
below, its waters now smooth and deep, now leaping and rustling
over shoals, and now whirling in eddies around the trunks of
fallen trees! its pure white sands looking like granulated snows
-till the very sight was refreshing!
At last, three beech-cannon, our signal guns, were fired and
burst; when the procession was formed on the cliff and in the
very centre of Guzzleton —in posse; and this —the procession,
not the posse-consisted not only of men-bodies, but of womenbodies also; since true woodsmen wish their ladies to share in
all that is pleasant and patriotic.  Then headed by a drum and
fife, aided by the triangle already celebrated, and with as many
flags flying as were pocket-handkerchiefs to spread out and wave
Mo poles, we took up the line of march; we, the leading citizens,
who were to read and speak; and then the common and uncommon citizens; and then certain independent ladies: and then
young ladies with escorts; and then the boys; and then finally
the rabble. After showing ourselves in the woods and bushes
along the future streets of Great Guzzleton, and passing the
store, and the tannery, and the two cabins, we descended the
cliff and marched to the speakers' scaffold to the tune of Yankee
Doodle-or something tolerably like it; although to-day the
drum beat the other instruments hollow!
The literary feast ended, we again formed the procession, and
marched to the head of the arcade, while the music very judiciously played "Love and Sausages."  There halted, our lines
were separated, and duly marshaled, each proceeded along its
own side of the table; when at a signal we halted again, and
now opposite one another, to perform " the set up." And this
delicate manceuvre was very handsomely executed by all that
wore trowsers; but the wearers of frocks and petticoats showed
want of drill, making an undue exhibit of white thread stockings
and yarn garters.  In some places, however, active and skittish
maids stepped first on to the seat, and then with an adroit movement of one hand, as in going to milk a cow, held affairs in a
very becoming tuck till the blushing damsels were safe between
the table and the seat.
We may not recount our jokes, and raillery, and tilting of




4t64'THE  NEW P   CIT A S E.
tables, and sinking of seats, and spilling of gravy, and upsetting
of water; only all such were on the same large scale that best
sorted with the inartistical and undisciplined world around!
Tit for tat, and even butter forfat, was largely done that dayand in a way to demolish nice bodies. But never was more
good humour! never heartier fellowship! No drunkenness,
however, and no profanity! No breaking of wine glasses-no
singing of nasty songs-no smoking of cigars-no genteel and
polished doings at all.  We were then too far west for refinements!
"No reflections —Mr. Carlton.  But what did all that cost and
what did you pay for a ticket?"
Cost!-pay for a ticket! why don't you know? And yet how
should anybody brought up where they sell a penneth of salad!
and pay a fippenny-bit to walk in a garden and buy tickets to
hear sermons, and eat temperance dinners! —and everything
costs something, whether to eat, or drink, or smell, or touch, or
look at! everything, every thing except preaching and teaching!
Cost! why nothing in the sense you mean.  All was a contribution-a gift-everybody did it-and everybody ate and drank
that was invited, and everybody that was not invited!
" But it was a great labour!"
To be sure it was.  But what to a woodsman is labour with
the rifle and the axe? A single shot killed each victim for the
hickoryism; and a few flourishes of the axe felled trees and
saplings for fuel, seats, tables, and arcades.
"What's the use of a Barbecue any how?"
Well, its uses to Guzzleton may be mentioned in some other
work.  But we answer now by asking:-Has not a man, who
ranges in a wide forest untrammelled by artificial fbrms, an invincible love of freedom?-Will not he who feasts like Homer's
heroes despise the meannesses of a huckster's life? -Can he be
content to live on alms of broken meat and filthy crumbs?-Is
there much hope of subduing men whose pastimes are to the
effeminate, labours!
And, dear reader, out there the noble Declaration of Independence itself, when properly read and commented on, as to



THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   465
day by John Glenville, has an effect on backwoodsmen, such as
is rarely felt now in here! Oh! could you have seen Donore,
and Ned Stanley, and ole man Ashmore, and Tom  Robinson,
rise at one or two places and clench their rifles convulsivelyand with tearful eyes and quivering lips stand intently gazing
on the face of that reader!-oh! could you have heard the enthusiastic cries, at the close, that came warm bursting from the
very hearts of our congregation, men, women and childrenthen would you have deemed perilous the attempt to put, by
force, a yoke on such necks! Vain the belief that our native
woodsmen can be tamed! Numbers may, perchance, have destroyed their forest bulwarks-but in the doing, woodsmen and
their foes would all have fallen down slain together!
I only add that notwithstanding the continuous feasting of
many hundreds for four or five hours, large quantities-nay,
heaps of provisions, were left; and that these in the spirit of
native western hospitality, were divided among the poorer of the
guests, who carried away with them food enough for a week.
The day passed without any important accident or lasting
anger.  It was, indeed, very like the colour and thrill of visions
in my dreaming age! I have pie nicked in pretty places, and
with amiable and excellent people-I have heard sweet music
and merry laughter in the graceful and dwarfish groves of the
east-but the thrill came not there! My poor, foolish fancy
wanders then far away off to that wild plateau of the Silver
River, and sighs for the sylvan life of that rude Barbecue!
CHAPTER LXI.
CONCLUDING SIX MONTHS.
"He that is surety for a stranger, shall smart."
-     HA! I see the light of a Clearing! a little further, and
we are through this Romance of the Forest!
Beautiful the fresh green Qf our opening spring! Glorious




466               THE  NEW  PU RCHASE.
the wild flowers and blossoms, exhaling their oclours to the air!
Grand as ever the dark, solemn, boundless forest!  Full of
awe, yon swollen water! bearing through the desert wood, on
its raging  bosom, an hundred branching trees, and, here and
there, the shattered fragments of a rude cabin!
Hark!-ah! it is the piteous cooing of our wood doves!
And hark!-there!-yes, scamper away, you little gray gaffer,
and peep from  the dense foliage of that lofty sugar-top! 1
knew  it was you squealing your cunning song.  Fear not!
shady-tail —my rifle is at home-I have no heart to shoot you
now!  There! cracks the brush!-I see you-leap not away!
bounding, tilid deer!  Stay and graze on the early buds and
tender twigs otf yon thicket  I am no more your foe!
Yes! there is a clearing ahead! A short moment more and
I leave yoiu, oh  c deep and dark ravine, where I have been so
often buried in solitude! -land you, oh! beetling cliff, with
dizzy brow, fiowning over the secret waters so many hundred
feet below I  And am I so soon to leave you all-and, for ever?
Ah! if I revisit the Purchase, you, enchanting trees, will be
prostra.te! —you, mlerry scuirrel, and timid deer, will have
fled!-you, solemn ravine, will be desecrated with wide and
beaten roads!  Alas! the secret waters will lie open then to
the public gaze!-the tall cliff be stripped of its grove!-and
the solitary cabin there of Ned Stanley, be supplanted by the
odious, pretending, and smirking house of brick and mortar!alas! —
" Mr. Carlton! M-ilr. Carl/ton!!-MR. CARLTON!! 
Sir!-Sir!!
"We shall never get out of the woods at this rate."
0! thank you, dear reader! I forgot myself-I was away in
the spirit amid the apparitions of innocent joys long dead.
We must say a word however, of what happened some weeks
ago to the firm of Glenville and Cariton: and which dissolved
our partnership, and sent Glenville to the Farther West, and
Carlton -        alas! whither?
My partner, in early days, had " put his name to paper;" a
security, as he supposed, but making himself liable as a partner.




THE  NEW  PURCIAS E.                   467
Notes were given to pay for produce: and this was loaded and
floated to Orleans, and there sold at a fair profit.  But, by a
singular negligence, the gentleman entrusted with the boats, and
pork, corn, lard, tallow, and hoop-poles, never came back with
the money! And hence the merchants faililng the holders of
their notes got nothing for their paper! For many long years,
this paper lay quiet and slumbering-till a lawyer suddenly
appeared in the woods-and the repose of the notes was broken.
And so was that of Glenville! The holders were now taught
for " a consideration," how to come upon the security-especially
as he, after a long and doubtful struggle, had got above the
waves, and was swimming in comparative comfort.
The security was, therefore, advised very unexpectedly of his
insecurity: and, in the next moment, stripped of all his hard
earned possessions, he was soused naked into that very figurative and deeply poetical sea-a Sea of Troubles! Now, folks
intimately connected with others, rarely take that metaphorical
plunge, without ducking their associates: hence, down went
{Mr. Carlton into the deep waters, from which emerging for a
sniff of air, he saw most of his external good things swept away
by the torrent!
Mr. Carlton's work, therefore, for the six months under consideration, was that most vexatious and profitless kind of twisting called winding-up.
Reader! here falls the curtain! And we stand before it, not
to announce a new Drama-but our Farewell:-We bid you
adieu. in the next and-last chapter.




468               THE  NEW   PURCHASE.
CHAPTER LXII.
"Nay then farewell!
I have touch'd the highest point of all my greatness:
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting: I shall fall
Like a bright exhalation in the evening,
And no man see me more."
ABOUT the middle of October, a small Christian chapel was,
one night, filled to overflowing; and deeply impressive was the
sadness and solemn hush of the congregation! They were
listening to the farewell address of Charles Clarence! while the
voice of the wind moaning in the dying woods around, came
upon our hearing in fitful gusts like passionate gushings of
lamentation for the fading away of their glories!  Our injured
and persecuted friend concluded thus:"   ~-   ~  But I must cease, and that with no expectation
that I shall ever more preach to you; or you ever again listen
to me.  This is sufficiently solemn and mournful; yet other
things exist here to deepen now my sorrows.  For some years
this has been my home-nay, why conceal it?  I had once
cherished the hope it was to be my home for years to come!
It was in my heart to live and die with you! I came to be a
Western Man-but God forbade it.  I have shared your prosperity and adversity; and in your hopes and fears, your joys
and griefs.  We have interchanged visits of mutual good-will;
we have worshipped in the same temples; we have solaced each
other in affiictions!  We have met at the same house of feasting,-alas! oftener at the same house of mourning! Yes!-my
children lie together, in their little graves, amidst the graves of




THE  NEW  PURCHASE.                   469
your children-that moaning wind is stirring now the leaves
over them!-dust of mine is mingling with yours! *  *  *
Can these and other ties be so unexpectedly sundered without
pain?-without emotion?  But the hour is come-we part!
Come, fellow citizens and Christian friends, let us mutually forgive one another.  If I have aught against the misled I have forgiven it; if any have aught against me, I pray such forgive me!
Kindly do I thank many for past kindness, and more especially
for the healing of their balm-like sympathy: and now let us
say, not in indifference, much less in anger, but in manly, hearty
good-will-Farewell!"
In the morning his house was tenantless-Clarence had gone
very early away with his family-and Woodville with its pleasures and pains was to him as all other dreams of this life-past!
*       u        -*       *        *       *
Soon after, the fragments of my shattered fortunes being
collected, we too were ready to bid adieu to our home-home!
did I say?  Yes; had we not graves there?  Alas! we had
them elsewhere too!It was a rainy morning; but, notwithstanding, our little
wagon and horses were at the door.  All had been arranged
and prepared for this morning, and all farewells, as we thought,
had been spoken; and why should rain delay those that had
endured so many storms?  Emily Glenville was to go and
share our fortunes-but Aunt Kitty-poor Aunt Kitty was to
stay; for we were wandering forth we knew not whither, and
she in her old age must remain till we found a resting-place.
Home we expected to find no more-nor have we ever-and
we had then the desolate hearts of pilgrims-as now and often
since!
Farewell!-dearest Aunt Kitty!-ah! break not our hearts
by that convulsive sobbing!-Farewell!  *  *  *  *  -and




470              THE  NEW' PURCHASE.
then we were all in our wagon-but just as we moved, a wellknown, a rough, yet softened voice in a tone of melancholy
reproach, sounded at our side:
" Bust my rifle! Mr. Carltin, you ain't a puttin off without
biddin me and Domore good-bye! "
"My honest old friends! no, never!-but I could not find
you yesterday when we went round bidding all the citizens
good-bye~"
"Well, we was out arter deer, for, says I to Domore, Domore, says I, let's git a leg or two for Mrs. Carltin afore they
goes-and we've fetch'd'em along in this here bag-if you kin
find room for'em in this here waggin."
"Thank you, my kind friends, with all our very hearts!-I
do wish we could make you some return-we should be so glad
to be remembered when we are away-"
"Bust my rifle-if I ever forgit you-and Domore wont
nither     "
No, indeed, Mr. Carltin-and if you chance to come our way
like, Domore's cabin will be open as in old times —"'Yes! —Mr. Carltin-and me and Domore and you'll have
some more shots with the rifle-good-bye, Mr. Carltin-God
bless you-good-bye!"
"Good-bye, my friends!-I have -o home now-but cabin
or brick house, wherever you find us-I say to you and all
other frank-hearted honest woodsmen, as the old General said
to you-' you will never find the string pulled in! "
Here I started my horses; and then the last we ever heard
of Woodville was something very like-" Poor Carltin!-God
bless him-poor feller — he's most powerful sorry-and don't
like to go back to the big-bugs!" And then through the uproar
of the increasing storm came the voice of the two hunters united
in a loud, cordial, solemn, last Farewell!
-   *        *     *          * 
Many years after this, on the pinnacle of the Great Cove
Mountain of the Alleghanies, and leaning against a tree, stood
a solitary traveller, who, after contemplating for some minutes
the setting sun, thus broke forth into a soliloquy:




THE NEW  PURCHASE.                    471
" Yes! 0 Sun! thou art unchanged!-melting away to rest
amid the same gorgeous clouds, piled on those distant mountains! I remember thee rising in the brilliancy of that Spring
morning! Here Clarence stood and looked towards the Elysium
of that Far West-and she was in his thoughts! There is the
rock where Brown, and Wilmar, and Smith rested a moment!
-      Sad remembrances!-bitter emotions! 0! Sun! as
glorious thou as ever! those sumptuous curtains of woven
cloud around thy pavilion as matchless!-I am changed-alas!
how changed! -
"Far West!-that name has power to heave the bosom
with sighs-but it can call up no more for ever the illusions
of the dreamy days! I know what is in thee, land of the setting Sun!
"A  world of shadows is coming over yon vallies-darker
ones are on my soul!  That Spring Morning! The comrades
of that day-where'?  The scenes!-the sufferings!-the disappointments!-in that far away forest land! Graves of my
dead!-why need I care to weep, where there are none to
mockl.  e    *   m-      *
"World of Spirits! —around and near me!  No dreamsno shadows there!  Sun, farewell!-thy last rays are falling
across those graves in that leaf-covered resting place! But
they shall see thee fall, to rise and set no more! Home!-I
have nonenow-but there is a home!
"Awake! from  this dreamy life! True, perfect, uninterrupted happiness is neither in the far East, nor in the far West
-it is in God, in Christ, in Heaven!"
Reader! dear reader! the lesson in that soliloquy is for thee!
Ponder it; live according to it; and thou wilt not have read
this work in vain!
THE  END.