long enough!' "-Page 105.




A QUARTEREl RA(CE IN KENTLTUCIY,
AND OTHER TALES.
=                       —.:.;~:-2-      4;S SC.'"A rough-hewn fellow, who either  was, or pretended to be, drunk, wxas bautering to run his mare agtinst any horse thalt hatd ploughed'is mi uch
tha, t -season. "-Ptcge 14.
EDITED BY VW. T. PORTER,,SQ.,  OF TLIIi LN Y. SPIRIT OF THIE TIMIES.
P H IL A DELPHIA:
T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.








A
QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY,
AND
OTHER SKETCHES,
ILLUSTRATIVE OF
SCENES, CHARACTERS, AND INCIDENTS;
THROUGHOUT
"THE UNIVERSAL YANKEE NATION."
EDITED By
WILLIAM  T. PORTER,
RDITOR OF "THE SPIRIT OF THE TIMES," "BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, AND
OTHER TALES,' ETC.
WITtH ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY.
T. B. PETERSON  AND BROTHERS;
306 CHESTNUT STREET.




Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1846, by
CAR!'Y & HART,
in the Clerk's Office of the Distric; Court of the United States in and for the
Eastern Dis;riet of Pennsylvania.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1854, by
T. B. PETERSON,
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States in and for the
Eastern District of Pennsylvania.'OOLLINS, PRINTER.




INTRODUCTION.
THE great degree of favour with which a serles of
Sketches, similar to those embraced in the present
volume, was received by the public and the press last
year, has induced the publishers to add another volume
of the same character and style to their " LIBRARY OF
AMERICAN HUMOROUS WRITERS."
As " The Big Bear of Afrkansas, and Other Tales,"
which were more especially intended to illustrate character and incident in the south and south-west, appear
to have been unusually popular, the Editor trusts that
the present volume, which includes a wider range of
the peculiarities and characteristics of " the Universal
Yankee Nation," will not be deemed less entertaining
by the public generally.
The different Sketches in this volume have nearly
all appeared in the columns of the New York "c Spirit
5*




6                   INTRODUCTION.
of the Times," where most of them  were published
originally. If they afford as much satisfaction in their
present shape as when first given to the world, the
Editor will enjoy the cdnsciousness of having been the
means of alleviating the dulness and ennui of many a
weary hour, and of having added his mite in contributing to the amusement and gratification of "' the million."
WM. T. PORTER..
OoieW of the " Spirit of the Times,"
New York, Oct. 18i6.




CONTE NT S.
PAGS
A   QUARTER   RACE  IN   KENTUCKY...............................  13
A SHARK STORY..............2.........;................   26
LANTY OLIPHANT IN COURT............,.  38
BILL MORSE ON THE CITY TAXES.................      41
ANCE VEASY'S FIGHT WITH REUB. SESSIONS..      43
THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD...................... 47
GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.-2..........   5
A MILLER1TE MIRACLE.........................          60
OLD SINGLETIRE..                                     64
"RUNNING A SAW" ON A FRENCH GENTLEMAN........... 68
BREAKING A BANK.... —............................................ 74
TAKING THE CENSUS.........s.o.... o... -.  80
DICK HARLAN'S TENNESSEE FROLIC............................. 
" FALLING OFF A LOG," IN A GAME OF "SEVEN-UP"'-..-.. 91
THE "WERRY FAST CRAB"................................... 9
"FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER"................................. 99
A ROLLICKING DRAGOON OFFICER..- 103
THE GEORGIA  MAJOR IN COURT................................. 107
UNCLE BILLY BROWN-" GLORIOUS"..........~ --  110
7




I8        ~        CONTEN'TS.
IPAGI
OID TUTTLE'S LAST QUARTER RACE........... 117
BILL DEAN, THE TEXAN RANGER............,.....-.-. 122
THE STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING 125
BOB HERRING, THE ARKANSAS BEAR HUNTER..... ——.-.. 130
McALPIN'S TRIP TO CEIARIESTON.......................... 146
INDIA RUBBER PILLS............ 151
A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI..............................54
KICKING A YANKEE...... —-—........... 161
A  "'DOWN-EAST-"ORIGINAL..................................165
"SOMEBODY IN MIY BED"..........................................168
A DAY AT SOL. SLICE'S..... —.-....-..-.......  172
CUPPING ON THE STERNUM..............................  184
A BEAR STORY................................ 18s
PLAYING "POKER" IN ARKANSAS...... -.. 197




A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
BY A NORTH ALABAMIAN.
The following inimitable story, perhaps the most humorous of
its kind in the language, was originally published in the N. Y.
" Spirit of the Times," in 1836; since that period the unceasing demand for copies of it has rendered its re-publication necessary several times. It was written by a country gentleman
of North Alabama, the author of "Jones's Fight."  It is a
matter of infinite regret that he cannot be induced to write more
frequently; his friends would be "after him with a sharp
stick," were we to disclose his name, which is familiar to tens
of thousands of his countrymen, if they only knew it.
NOTHING would start against the Old Mare; and after
more formal preparation in making weight and posting
judges than is customary when there is a contest, cc the
sateful old kritter" went off crippling as if she was not
fit to run for sour cider, and any thing could take the
shine out of her that had the audacity to try it. The
muster at the stand was slim, it having been understood
up town, that as to sport to-day the races would prove
a water-haul. I missed all that class of old and young
gentlemen who annoy owners, trainers, and riders,
particularly if they observe they are much engaged,
with questions that should not be asked, and either
can't or should not be answered.  The business folks
and men of gumption were generally on the grit, and
much of the chaff certainly had been blown off.
A walls or gallop over is a slow affair; and without
13




14       A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
being in any way able to account for it, it seemed to
be an extremely dry affair; for while the four mile was
being done (as the prigs have it) I noticed many a centaur
of a fellow force his skeary nag up to the opening in the
little clapboard shanty, and shout out impatiently"c Colonel, let us have some of your byled corn-pour me
out a buck load-there-never mind about the water,
I drank a heap of it yesterday," and then wheel off to
the crowd as if intent on something.
The race, like all things, had an end, and I had
some idea, in imitation of Sardanapalus, "s all in one day
to see the race, then go home, eat, drink, and be merry,
for all the rest was not worth a fillip," when I met Dan.
Hle knows a little, finds out a little, and guesses the
rest, and, of course, is prime authority. I inquired if
the hunt was up. ", Oh, no, just hold on a while, and
ihere will be as bursting a quarter race as ever was read
of, and I will give it'em, so you can make expenses."
I always make a hand when about, and thinking I might
get a wrinkle by prying into the mystery of quarterracing, I accordingly rode to the thickest of the crowd.
A rough-hewn fellow, who either was, or pretended to
be, drunk, was bantering to run his mare against any
horse that had ploughed as much that season, his mare
having, as he assured us, tended twenty-five acres in
corn. Another chap sidled up to him, and offered to
plough against him for as much liquor as the company
could drink, or for who should have both nags-his horse
had never run, as he did not follow- it. Sorrel got mad,
and offered to beat him in the cart, wagon or plough,
or he could beat him running one hundred miles, his
weight on each, for five hundred dollars. Bay still
disclaimed racing, but would run the quarter stretch,




A QUARTER RIACE IN KENTUCKY.        15
to amuse the company, for one hundred dollars. Sorret
took him up, provided Bay carried his present rider,
arid he would get somebody; Bay agreed, provided he
would not get a lighter rider. It was closed at that,
and two of Senator Benton's aboininations-$100 United States Bank Bills —-were planked up. Bay inquired
if they could stand another $50;-agreed to by Sorrel,
who, observing Bay shell out a $100 note, said, there
was no use of making change, as his note was the same
amount, and they might as well go the $100. This
was promptly agreed to, and another one hundred dollars offered, and immediately covered-there being
now three hundred dollars aside. Now came a proposal to increase it three hundred dollars more; Bay
said-"- You oversize my pile, but if I can borrow the
money, I'll accommodate you," and immediately slipped off to consult his banker. Dan now whispered,
"c Spread yourself on the Bay."  Thinking I should run
in while I was hot, I observed aloud-I should admire
to bet some gentleman ten dollars on the bay. A Mr.
Wash, or as he was familiarly called, Big Wash, snapped me up like a duck does a June-bug, by taking the
bill out of my hand, and observing that either of us
could hold the stakes, put it in his pocket. Finding
this so easily done, I pushed off to consult my friend
Crump, the most knowing man about short races I ever
knew, and one who can see as far into a millstone as
the man that pecks it. I met him with the man that
made the race on the bay, coming to get a peep at the
sorrel. As soon as he laid eyes on her he exclaimed"c Why, Dave, you made a pretty pick up of it; I'm
afraid our cake is all dough-that's old Grapevine, and I
told you point blank to walk round her, but you're like a




16       A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
member of the Kentucky legislature, who admitted that
if he had a failing it was being a leetle too brave."
"c How could I know Grapevine," replied Dave, doggedly; -cand you told me you could beat her, any
how."
", Yes," said Crump, " I think I can; but I didn't
come a hundred and fifty miles to run them kind of
races Old Tompkins has brought her here, and I like
him for a sucker!"
"Well," says Dave,,, maybe I can get off with the
race if you think you'll be licked."
cNo,"  said Crump, cc when I go a catting, I go a
catting; its mighty mixed up, and there's no telling
who's constable until the election is over; it will be like
the old bitch and the rabbit, nip and tack every jump,
and sometimes the bitch a leetle ahead."
Old Tompkins, who had not appeared during the
making of the race, now caine round, and seeing the
bay, said —" Popcorn, by G-d."  He now came forward, and addressed the other party: "c Boys," said he,
": it's no use to run the thing into the ground. If a
man goes in for betting, I say let him go his load, but
we have no amnbition against you, so draw the bet to
one hundred dollars; that is enough for a little tacky
race like this, just made for amusement."-Carried by
acclamation.
Now'the judges were selected: a good judge does
not mean exactly the same thing here as on the
bench, though some of the same kind may be found
there-it means one who is obstinate in going for his
own friends. It did not seem to be considered courteous
to object to the selections on either side, perhaps from
a mutual consciousness of invulnerability.  But one of




A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.          17
the nominees for the ermine was a hickory over any
Dody's persimmon in the way of ugliness. He was
said to be the undisputed possessor of the celebrated
jack-knife; his likeness had been moulded on dog-irons
to frighten the children from going too near the fire,
and his face ached perpetually; but his eyes! his eyes!
He was said to have caught a turkey-buzzard by the
neck, the bird being deceived, and thinking he was
looking another way; and several of the crowd said he
was so cross-eyed he could look at his own head t It
was objected to him that he could not keep his eyes on
the score, as he did not see straight, and it was leaving
the race to the accident of which of his optics obtained
the true bearing when the horses were coining out.
The objections were finally overruled, the crooked
party contending that Nature had designed him for a
quarter judge, as he could station one eye to watch
when the foremost horse's toe struck the score, and
could note the track of the horse that followed, at the
same moment, with the other eye.
The riders now attracted my attention.  It is customary, I believe, to call such,, a feather," but they
seemed to me about the size of a big Christmas turkey
gobbler, without feathers; and I was highly delighted
with the precocity of the youths-they could swear
with as much energy as men of six feet, and they used
fourth-proof oaths with a volubility that would bother
a congressional reporter.
There now arose a dispute. as to whether they should
run to or from the stand, it being a part of the mile
track, and there being some supposed advantage to one
of the horses, or the other, according as this might be
arranged. It was determined by a toss-up at last, to




18       A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
run to the stand. After another toss for choice of
tracks, and another for the word, the horses walked
off towards the head of the stretch. Now it was
" Hurra, my Popcorn-I believe in you-come it strong,
lumber-go it with a looseness-root little pig, or die."
And, "c Oh! my Grapevine! tear the hind sights off
him!-you'll lay him  out cold as a wagon-tire-roll
your bones —go it, you cripples!" &c., &c., &c.
Beginning to doubt, from all I heard, whether my
friend Dave had been regularly appointed almanacmaker for this year, I hedged a five, and staked it with
a young man that was next me, riding a remarkable
wall-eyed horse, and some time after staked another
five dollars, with a person I had noticed assisting about
the bar, and would be able-to recognise again. I now
flattered myself on my situation-I had all the pleasurable excitement of wagering, and nothing at risk.
Each side of the track was lined with eager faces,
necks elongated, and chins projected, a posture very
conducive to health in a bilious climate, as it facilitates
the operation of emetics.  I was deafened with loud
cries of ", Clear the track!",, Stand back!"  "c Get
off the fence!"  "The riders are mounted!"'," They
are'coming!"  ",Now they are off!"-but still they
came not. Without intending it, I found myself, and
indeed most of the crowd, moving up towards the
start, and after every failure, or false alarm, I would
move a few yards.  I overheard a fellow telling with
great glee —,c Well, I guess I warmed the wax in the
ears of that fellow with the narrow brimmed white
hat; he had an elegant watch that he offered to bet
against a good riding-horse. You know my seventeen
year old horse, that I always call the bay colt; I pro



A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.         19
posed to stake him against the watch, and the fellow
agreed to it without ever looking in his mouth; if he
had, he would have seen teeth as long as tenpenny
nails. It is easy fooling any of them New York collectors-they ain't cute: the watch is a bang-up lever,
and he says if he was GOING TO TRAVEL he would not
be without it for any consideration. He made me promise if I won it to let him have it back at one hundred
dollars in case he went into Georgia this fall. It is
staked in the hands of the Squire there;-Squire, show
it to this here entire stranger." The Squire produced
a splendid specimen of the tin manufacture; I pronounced it valuable, but thought it most prudent not
to mention for what purpose.
Alarms that the horses were coming continued, and
I gradually reached the starting place: I then found
that Crump, who was to turn Popcorn, had won the
word-that is, he was to ask "4 are you ready?" and if
answered cc yes!" it was to be a race. Popcorn jumped
about like a pea on a griddle, and fretted greatly-he
was all over in a lather of sweat. He was managed
very judiciously, and every attempt was made to soothe
him and keep him cool, though he evidently was somewhat exhausted. All this time Grapevine was led about
as cool as a cucumber, an awkward-looking striker of
old Thompson's holding her by the cheek of the bridle,
with instructions, I presume, not to let loose in any case,
as he managed adroitly to be turning round whenever
Popcorn put the question.
Old Tompkins had been sitting doubled up sideways,
on his sleepy-looking old horse-it now being near dark
-rode slowly off a short distance, and hitched his
horse: lie deliberately took off his coat, folded it care




20       A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
fully, and laid it on a stump; his neckcloth was with
equal care deposited on it, and then his weather-beaten
hat; he stroked down the few remaining hairs on his
caput, and came and took the mare from his striker.
Crump was anxious for a start, as his horse was worsted
by delay; and as soon as he saw Grapevine in motion
to please her turner, Old Tompkins swung her off
ahead, shouting triumphantly, cc Go! d-n you!" and
away she went with an ungovernable.  Crump wheeled
his horse round before reaching the poles, and opened
on Old Tompkins —c That's no way; if you mean to
run, let us run, and quit fooling; you should say'Yes!'
if you mean it to be a race, and then I would have
turned loose, had my nag been tail forward; it was no
use for me to let go, as it would have been no race any
how until you give the word."
Old Tomkins looked as if the boat had left him, or
like the fellow that was fighting, and discovered that
he had been biting his own thumb. He paused a moment, and without trying to raise a squabble, (an unusual thing,) he broke down the track to his mare,
slacked her girths, and led her back, soothing and trying
to quiet her. She was somewhat blown by the run,
as the little imp on her was not strong enough to take
her up soon. They were now so good -and so good,
and he proposed they should lead up and take a fair
start.  ", Oh!" said Crump, c I thought that would
bring you to your milk, so lead up." By this time you
could see a horse twenty yards off, but you could not
be positive as to his colour. It was proposed to call
in candles. The horses were led up, and got off the
first trial.  cc Ready?",,Yes!"-and a fairer start
was never made. Away they went in a hurry,
" Glimmering through the gloam."




A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY,.       2
All hands made for the winning post. Here I heard
-cc iMare's race!"-_"4 No! she crossed over the horse's
path!"-"c The boy with the shirt rode foul!"-"c The
horse was ahead when he passed me!" After much
squabbling, it was admitted by both parties that the
nag that came out on the left-hand side of the track
was ahead; but they were about equally divided as to
whether the horse or the mare came through on the
left-hand side. The judges of the start agreed to give
it in as even. When they came down, it appeared
that one of the outcome judges got angry, and had
gone home an hour ago. My friend that looked so
many ways for Sunday, after a very ominous silence,
and waiting until frequently appealed to, gave the race
to the horse by ten inches. This brought a yell from
the crowd, winners and losers, that beat any thing
yet; a dozen of men were produced, who were ready
to swear that gimblet-eye was a hundred yards off,
drinking a stiff cock-tail at the booth, and that he was
at the far side of it when the horses came out, and
consequently must have judged the result through two
pine planks an inch thick; others swore he did not
know when the race was won, and was not at the post
for five minutes after. Babel was a quiet retired place
compared with the little assemblage at this time: some
bets were given up, occasional symptoms of a fight
appeared, a general examination was going on to be
assured the knife was in the pocket, and those hard to
open were opened and slipped up the sleeve; the
crowd clustered together like a bee-swarm. This continued until about nine o'clock, when Crump, finding
he could not get the stakes, compromised the matter,
and announced that by agreement it was a drawn race.
B




22       A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
This was received with a yell louder, if possible, than
any former one; every one seemed glad of it, and there
was a unanimous adjournment to the bar. Though
tired and weary, I confess that I (for no earthly reason
that I can give but the force of example) was inclined
to join them, when I was accosted by a person with
whom I had bet, and had staked in the hands of the
young man riding the wall-eyed horse. "c Well," said
he, "c shell out my five dollars that I put up with that
friend of yours-as I can't find him." I protested that
I did not know the young man at all, and stated that
he had my stake also. He replied that I need not try
to feed him on soft corn that way, and called on several
persons to prove that I selected the stakeholder, and
we were seen together, and we must be acquainted, as
we were bothfurreigners from the cut of our coats. He
began to talk hostile, and was, as they brag in the
timber districts, twenty foot in the clear, without limb,
knot, windshake, or woodpecker hole. To appease
him, I agreed, if the stakeholder could not be found,
to be responsible for his stake. He very industriously
made proclamation for the young man with the walleyed horse, and being informed that he had done gone
three hours ago, he claimed of me, and I had to shell
out.
Feeling somewhat worsted by this transaction, I concluded I would look up my other bets. Mr. Wash I
did not see, and concluded he had retired; I found
the stakeholder that assisted about the bar, and claimed
my five dollars on the draw race; to my surprise 1
learned he had given up the stakes. Having been
previously irritated, I made some severe remarks, to
all of which he replied in perfect good temper, and




A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.         23
assured me he was the most punctilious person in the
world about such matters, and that it was his invariable
rule never to give up stakes except by the direction of
some of the judges, and called up proof of his having
declined delivering the stakes until he and the claimant
went to old screw-eye; and he decided I had lost.
This seemed to put the matter out of dispute so far as
he was concerned, but thinking I would make an appeal to my opponent, I inquired if he knew him. He
satisfied me, by assuring me he did not know hlimfrom
a side of sole leather.
I left the course, and on returning next morning, I
looked out for Mr. Wash; I discovered him drinking, and
offering large bets; he saw me plainly, but affected a
perfect forgetfulness, and did not recognise me. After
waiting some time, and finding he would not address
me, I approached him, and requested an opportunity
of speaking to him apart. Mr. Wash instantly accompanied me, and began telling me he had got in a scrape,
and had never in his life been in such a fix. Perceiving what he was at, I concluded to take the whip-hand
of him, and observed-cc Mr. Wash, if you design to
intimate by your preliminary remarks that you cannot
return to me my own money, staked in your hands, I
must say I consider such conduct extremely ungentlemanly." Upon this he whipped out a spring-back
dirk knife, nine inches in the blade, and whetted to cut
a hair, stepped off, picked up a piece of cedar, and
commenced whittling.  "cNow, stranger," says he,,,I would not advise any man to try to run over me,
for I ask no man any odds further than civility; I consider myself as honest a man as any in Harris county,
Kentucky; but I'll tell you, stranger, exactly how it




24       A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
happened: you see, when you offered to bet on the
sorrel, I was out of soap, but it was too good a chanct
to let slip, as I was dead sure Popcorn would win;
and if he had won, you know, of course it made no
difference to you whether I had a stake or not. Well,
it was none of my business to hunt you up, so I went
to town last night to the confectionary, [a whisky
shop in a log pen fourteen feet square,] and I thought
I'd make a rise on chuck-a-luck, but you prehaps never
saw such a run of luck; everywhere I touched was
pizen, and I came out of the leetle end of the horn; but
I'll tell you what, I'm a man that always stands up
to my fodder, rack or no rack; so, as you don't want
the money, I'll negotiate to suit you exactly; I'll give
you my dubisary: I don't know that I can pay it this
year, unless the crap of hemp turns out well; but if I
can't this year, I will next year probably; and I'll tell
you exactly my principle —if a man waits with me, like
a gentleman, I'm sure to pay him when I'm ready;
but if a man tries to bear down on me and make me
pay whether or no, you see it is his own look out, and
he'll see sights before he gets his money." My respect
for Mr. Wash's dirk-knife, together with my perceiving
there was nothing else to be had, induced me to express my entire satisfaction with Mr. Wash's dubisary,
hoping at the same time that at least enough of hemp
would grow that year. He proposed that I should let
him have five dollars more for a stake, but on my declining, he said, cc Well, there is no harm in mentioning
it." He went to the bar, borrowed pen and ink, and
presently returned with a splendid specimen of caligraphy to the following effect:



A QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.          25
Kentucky Due Dempsey, the just and
ont lazwful sum of ten dollars, for
Jessamine county. I
value received, payable on the
26th day of December, 1836 or 1837, or any tirae after
that Iam able to discharge the same. As witness my
hand and seal, this 30th day of May, 1836.
GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIGGS.   SEAL
I wish you would try Wall street with this paper, as
I wish to cash it; but I'll run a mile before I wait for
a quarter race again.




A SHARK STORY.
BY "C J. CYPRESS, JR.)) THE LATE WM. P. HAWES, ESQ.
OF NEW YORK.
No native writer of his age, probably, ever acquired so enviable
a reputation at home and abroad, as was universally accorded
to the late lamented WM. P. HAWES, Esq., of New York,
whose sketches, under the signature of "J. CYPRESS, Jr.,"
were everywhere sought for, and read with the highest degree
of interest. A collection of his contributions to the press was
published two or three years since, under the title of c" Country
Scenes and Sundry Sketches," (edited by " FRANK FORESTER,")
to which attention is invited as being one of the most humorous original works in the language. The capital story subjoined will give a very good idea of his style.' WELL, gentlemen, I'll go ahead, if you say so.
Here's the story. It is true, upon my honour, from
beginning to end-every word of it. I once crossed
over to Faulkner's island to fish for tautaugs, as the
north-side people call black fish, on the reefs hard by, in
the Long Island Sound. Tim Titus (who died of the
dropsy down at Shinnecock point, last spring) lived
there then. Tim was a right good fellow, only he
drank rather too much.,, It was during the latter part of July; the sharks
and the dog-fish had just began to spoil sport. When
Tim  told me about the sharks, I resolved to go prepared to entertain these aquatic savages with all becoming attention and regard, if there should chance to
26 -




A SHARK STORY.'27
be any interloping about our fishing ground. So, we
rigged out a set of extra large hooks, and shipped some
ropeyarn and steel chain, an axe, a couple of clubs,
and an old harpoon, in addition to our ordinary equipments, and off we started. We threw out ot r anchor
at half-ebb tide, and took some thumping large fish:
two of them weighed thirteen pounds-so you may
judge. The reef where we lay was about half a mile
from the island, and, perhaps, a mile from the Connecticut shore. We floated there, very quietly, throwing
out and hauling in, until the breaking of my line, with
a sudden and severe jerk, informed me that the sea
attorneys were in waiting, down stairs; and we accordingly prepared to give them a retainer. A salt pork
cloak upon one of our magnum hooks forthwith engaged one of the gentlemen in our service. We got
him alongside, and by dint of piercing, and thrusting,
and banging, we accomplished a most exciting and
merry murder. We had business enough of the kind
to keep us employed until near low water. By this
time, the sharks had all cleared out, and the black fish
were biting again; the rock began to make its appearance above the water, and in a little while its hard bald
head was entirely dry. Tim now proposed to set me
out upon the rock, while he rowed ashore to get the
jug, which, strange to say, we had left at the house.
I assented to this proposition; first, because I began to
feel the effects of the sun upon my tongue, and needed
sornethingto take, bythe way of medicine; and secondly,
because the rock was a favourite spot for rod and reel,
and famous for luck: so I took my traps, and a box of
bait, and jumped upon my new station.'rim made
for the island.




28              lA SHARK STORY.
" Not many men would willingly have been left upon
a little barren reef that was covered by every flow of
the tide, in the midst of a waste of waters, at such a
distance from the shore, even with an assurance from
a companion more to be depended upon than mine,
that he would return immediately and take him off. But
some how or other, the excitement of my sport was so
high, and the romance of the situation was so delight'ful, that I thought of nothing else but the prospect of
ray fun, and the contemplation of the novelty and
beauty of the scene. It was a mild, pleasant afternoon,
in harvest time. The sky was clear and pure. The
deep blue sound, heaving all around me, was studded
with craft of all descriptions and dimensions, from the
dipping sail-boat to the rolling merchantman, sinking
and rising like sea-birds sporting with their white wings
in the surge. The grain and grass on the neighbouring
farms were gold and green, and gracefully they bent
obeisance to a gently breathing south-wester. Farther
off, the high upland, and the distant coast, gave a dim
relief to the prominent features of the landscape, and
seemed the rich but dusky frame of a brilliant fairy
picture. Then, how still it was! not a sound could
be heard, except tilhe occasional rustling of my own
motion, and the water beating against the sides,
or gurgling in the fissures of the rock, or except now
and then the cry of a solitary saucy gull, who would
come out of his way in the firmament, to see what I
was doing without a boat, all alone, in the middle of
the sound; and who would hover, and cry, and chatter, and make two or three circling swoops and dashes
at me, and then, after having satisfied his curiosity,
glide away in search of some other food to scream at.




A SHARK STORY.                29
EI soon became half indolent, and quite indifferent
about fishiug; so I stretched myself out at full length
upon the rock, and gave myself up to the luxury of
looking and thinking. The divine exercise soon put
me fast asleep. I dreamed away a couple of hours,
and longer might have dreamed, but for a tired fishhawk who chose to make my head his resting place,
and who waked and started me to my feet.
cc c Where is Tim Titus?' I muttered to myself, as I
strained my eyes over the now darkened water. But
none was near me to answer that interesting question,
and nothing was to be seen of either Tim or his boat.
cHe should have been here long ere this,' thoughtI,'and
he promised faithfully not to stay long-could he have
forgotten? or has he paid too much devotion to the jug?'
"c I began to feel uneasy, for the tide was rising fast,
and soon would cover the top of the rock, and high watermark was at least a foot above my head. I buttoned
up my coat, for either the coming coolness of the evening, or else my growing apprehensions, had set me
trembling and chattering most painfully. I braced my
nerves, and set my teeth, and tried to hum   Begone,
dull care,' keeping time with my fists upon my thighs.
But what music! what melancholy merriment! I started
and shuddered at the doleful sound of my own voice.
I am not naturally a coward; but I should like to know
the man who would not, in such a situation, be alarmed.
It is a cruel death to die to be merely drowned, and to
go through the ordinary common-places of suffocation;
but to see your death gradually rising to your eyes, to
feel the water rising, inch by inch, upon your shivering
sides, and to anticipate the certainly coming, choking
struggle far your last breath, when, with the: gurgling




30              A SHARK STORY.
sound of an overflowing brook taking a new direction,
the cold brine pours into mouth, ears, and nostrils,
usurping the seat and avenues of health and life, and,
with gradual flow, stifling-smothering-suffocating
It were better to die a thousand common deaths.
", This is one of the instances in which, it must be
admitted, salt water is not a pleasant subject of contemplation. However, the rock was not yet covered,
and hope, blessed hope, stuck faithfully by me. To
beguile, if possible, the weary time, I put on a bait,
and threw out for fish.  I was sooner successful than
I could have wished to be, for hardly had my line
struck the water, before the hook was swallowed, and
my rod was bent with the dead hard pull of a twelve
foot shark. I let him run about fifty yards, and then
reeled up. He appeared not at all alarmed, and I
could scarcely feel him bear upon my fine hair line.
He followed the pull gently and unresisting, came up
to the rock, laid his nose upon its side, and looked up
into my face, not as if utterly unconcerned, but with a
sort of quizzical impudence, as though he perfectly understood the precarious nature of my situation. The
conduct of my captive renewed and increased my
alarm. And well it might; for the tide was now running over a corner of the rock behind me, and a small
stream rushed through a cleft, or fissure, by my side,
and formed a puddle at my very feet. I broke my
hook out of the monster's mouth, and leaned upon my
rod for support.
"c' Where is Tim Titus?'-I crie'd aloud-  Curse on
the drunken vagabond! Will he never come?'
",My ejaculations did no good. No Timothy appeared, It became evident that I must prepare for




A SHARK STORY.               31
drowning, or for action. The reef was completely covered, and the water was above the soles of my feet.
I was not much of a swimmer, and as to ever reaching
the island, I could not even hope for that. However,
there was no alternative, and I tried to encourage myself, by reflecting that necessity was the mother of invention, and that desperation will sometimes insure
success. Besides, too, I considered and took comfort
from the thought that I could wait for Tim, so long as I
had a foothold, and then commit myself to the uncertain strength of my arms and legs for salvation. So I
turned my bait-box upside down, and mounting upon
that, endeavoured to comfort my spirits, and to be
courageous, but submissive to my fate. I thought of
death, and what it might bring with it, and I tried to
repent of the multiplied iniquities of my almost wasted
life; but I found that that was no place for a sinner to
settle his accounts. Wretched soul, pray I could not.,c The water had not got above my ankles, when, to
my inexpressible joy, I saw a sloop bending down
towards me, with the evident intention of picking me
up. No man can imagine what were the sensations of
gratitude which filled my bosom at that moment.
cc When she got within a hundred yards of the reef, I
sung out to the man at the helm to luff up, and lie by,
and lower the boat; but, to my amazement, I could get
no-reply, nor notice of my request. I entreated them,
for the love of heaven, to take me off; and I promised,
I know not what rewards, that were entirely beyond my
power of bestowal.' But the brutal wretch of a captain,
muttering something to the effect of c that he hadn't
time to stop,' and giving me the kind and sensible
advice to pull off my coat and swim ashore, put the




32               A SHARK STORY.
helm hard down, and away bore the sloop on the other
tack.
cc c Heartless villain!' —I shrieked out, in the torture
of my disappointment; cmay God reward your inhumanity.' The crew answered my prayer with a coarse,
loud laugh; and the cook asked me through a speaking
trumpet,' If I was not afraid of catching cold.'-The
black rascal!
", It now was time to strip; for my knees felt the
cool tide, and the wind, dying away, left a heavy swell,
that swayed and shook the box upon which I was
mounted, so that I had occasionally to stoop, and paddle with my hands against the water, in order to preserve. my perpendicular. The setting sun sent his
almost horizontal streams of fire across the dark waters,
making them gloomy and terrific, by the contrast of his
amber and purple glories.
"c Something glided by me in the water, and then
made a sudden halt. I looked upon the black mass,
and, as my eye ran along its dark outline, I saw, with
horror, that it was a shark; the identical monster out
of whose mouth I had just broken my hook. He was
fishing now for me, and was evidently only waiting for
the tide to rise high enough above the rock, to glut at
once his hunger and revenge. As the water continued
to mount above my knees, he seemed to grow more
hungry and familiar. At last, he made a desperate
dash, and approaching within an inch of my legs,
turned upon his back, and opened his huge jaws for an
attack. With desperate strength, I thrust the end of
my rod violently at his mouth; and the brass head,
ringing against his teeth, threw him back into the deep
current, and I lost sight of him entirely. This, however,




7)                  _ _ _=_~_ —__~......
A SIAlRIK{l STOIRY.
"As I looked a.vounnd me to see wVha, t hlai become of the robbers. I counted one,
two, three, yes, up to twelve, snecessi vely, of the largest
sha, rk1s I ever sa;w!"'-Pagfe 33.








A SHARK STORY.                 33
was but a momentary repulse; for in the next minute
he was close behind my back, and pulling at the skirts
of my fustian coat, which hung dipping into the water.
I leaned forward hastily, and endeavoured to extricate
myself from the dangerous grasp; but the monster's
teeth were too firmly set, and his immense strength
nearly drew me over. So, down flew my rod, and off
went my jacket, devoted peace-offerings to my voracious visiter.
"4 In an instant, the waves all round me were lashed
into froth and foam. No sooner was my poor old
sporting friend drawn under the surface, than it was
fought for by at least a dozen enormous combatants!
The battle raged upon every side. High black fins
rushed now here, now there, and long, strong tails
scattered sleet and froth, and the brine was thrown up
in jets, and eddied, and curled, and fell, and swelled,
like a whirlpool in Hell-gate.
"c Of no long duration, however, was this fishy tourney. It seemed soon to be discovered that the prize
contended for contained nothing edible but cheese and
crackers, and no flesh; and as its mutilated fragments
rose to the surface, the waves subsided into their former
smooth condition. Not till then did I experience the
real terrors of my situation. As I looked around me to
see what had become of the robbers, I counted one,
two, three, yes, up to twelve, successively, of the
largest sharks I ever saw, floating in a circle around me,
like divergent rays, all mathematically equidistant from
the rock, and from each other; each perfectly motionless, and with his gloating, fiery eye, fixed full and
fierce upon me. Basilisks and rattlesnakes! how the
fire of their steady eyes entered into my heart! I was




34               A SHARK STORY.
the centre of~a circle, whose radii were sharks! I -tas
the unsprung, or rather unchewed game, at which a pack
of hunting sea-dogs were making a dead point!
cc There was one old fellow, that kept within the circumference of the circle. He seemed to be a sort of
captain, or leader of the band; or, rather, he acted as
the coroner for the other twelve of the inquisition, that
were summoned to sit on, and eat up my body. He
glided around and about, and every now and then
would stop, and touch his nose against some one of his
comrades, and seem to consult, or to give instructions
as to the time and mode of operation. Occasionally,
he would skull himself up towards me, and examine
the condition of my flesh, and then again glide back,
and rejoin the troupe, and flap his tail, and have another confabulation. The old rascal had, no doubt, been
out into the highways and byways, and collected this
company of his friends and kin-fish, and invited them
to supper.  I must confess, that horribly as I felt, I
could not help but think of a tea party, of demure old
maids, sitting in a solemn circle, with their skinny hands
in their laps, licking their expecting lips, while their
hostess bustles about in the important functions of her
preparations. With what an eye have I seen such appurtenances of humanity survey the location and adjustment
of some especial condiment, which is about to be submitted to criticism and consumption.,, My sensations began to be, now, most exquisite
indeed; but I will not attempt to describe them. I was
iieither hot nor cold, frightened nor composed; but I
had a combination of all kinds of feelings and emotions.  The present, past, future, heaven, earth, my
father and mother,  a little girl I knew once, and the




A SHARK STORY.                35
sharks, were, all confusedly mixed up together, and
swelled my crazy brain almost to bursting. I cried,
and laughed, and spouted, and screamed for Tim
Titus. In a fit of most wise madness, I opened my
broad-bladed fishing knife, and waved it around my
head with an air of defiance. As the tide continued
to rise, my extravagance of madness mounted.  At
one time, I became persuaded that my tide-waiters
were reasonable beings, who might be talked into mercy
and humanity, if a body could only hit upon the right
text. So, I bowed, and gesticulated, and threw out my
hands, and talked to them, as friends, and brothers,
members of my family, cousins, uncles, aunts, people
waiting to have their bills paid;-I scolded them as my
servants; I abused them as duns; I implored them as
jurymen sitting on the question of my life; I congratulated, and flattered them as my comrades upon some
glorious enterprise; I sung and ranted to them, now as
an actor in a play-house, and now as an elder at a
camp-meeting; in one moment, roaring,' On this cold flinty rock I will lay down my head,'and in the next, giving out to my attentive hearers for
singing, a hymn of Dr. Watts so admirably appropriate
to the occasion,'On slippery rocks I see them stand,
While fiery billows roll below.'
"t What said I, what did I not say! Prose and poetry, scripture and drama, romance and ratiocinationout it came.' Quamdiu, Catalina, nostra patientia abutere?'-I sung out to the old captain, to begin with-' My brave associates, partners of my toil,'-so ran the




36               A SHARK STORY.
strain.   On which side soever I turn -my eyes,' —' Gentlemen of the jury,'-c I come not here to steal
away your hearts,'-c You are not wood, you are not
stones, but' — Hah!' — Begin, ye tormentors, your
tortures are vain,' — Good friends, sweet friends, let
me not stir you up to any sudden flood,'-'- The angry
flood that lashed her groaning sides,' — Ladies and
gentlemen,' —' My very noble and approved good masters,'-' Avaunt! and quit my sight; let the earth
hide ye,'-c Lie lightly on his head, 0 earth!' —, 0!
heaven and earth! that it should come to this,'-' The
torrent roared, and we did buffet it with lusty sinews,
stemming it aside and oaring it with hearts of controversy,'-' Give me some drink, Titinius,' —  Drink,
boys, drink, and drown dull sorrow,' — For liquor it
doth roll such comfort to the soul,'-'- Romans, countrymen and lovers, hear me for my cause, and be silent
that you may hear,' —c Fellow citizens, assembled as
we are upon this interesting occasion, impressed with
the truth and beauty,'-' Isle of beauty, fare thee well,'
-' The quality of mercy is not strained,' —  Magna
veritas et prevalebit,' —  Truth is potent, and' —  Most
potent, grave, and reverend'seigniors,-'Oh, now you weep, and I perceive you feel
The dint of pity; these are gracious drops.
Kind souls! what! weep you when you but behold
Our Cwesar's vesture wounded,'Ha! ha! ha!-and I broke out in a fit of most horrible.aughter, as I thought of the mincemeat particles of my
lacerated jacket.
", In the mean time, the water had got well up towards
my shoulders, and while I was shaking and vibrating




A SHARK STORY.               37
upon my uncertain foot-hold, I felt the cold nose of the
captain of the band snubbing against my side. Desperately, and without a definite object, I struck my knife
at one of his eyes, and, by some singular fortune, cut
it out clean from the socket. The shark darted back,
and halted. In an instant, hope and reason came to
my relief; and it occurred to me, that if I could only
blind the monster, I might yet escape. Accordingly,
I stood ready for the next attack. The loss of an eye
did not seem to affect him much, for, after shaking his
head once or twice, he came up to me again, and when
he was about half an inch off, tu'rned upon his back.
This was the critical moment. With a most unaccountable presence of mind,, I laid hold of his nose with my
left hand, and with my right scooped out his remaining organ of visioif. He opened his big mouth, and
champed his long teeth at me, in despair. But it was
all over with him. I raised my right foot and gave him
a hard shove, and he glided off into deep water, and
went to the bottom.
c VWell, gentlemen, I suppose you'd think it a hard
story, but its none the less a fact, that I served every
remaining one of those nineteen sharks in the. same
fashion.  They all came up to me, one by one, regularly and in order, and I scooped their eyes out, and
gave them a shove, and they went off into deep water,
just like so many lambs. By the time I had scooped
out and blinded a couple of dozen of them, they began
to seem so scarce that I thought I would swim for the
island, and fight the rest for fun, on the way; but just
then, Tim Titus hove in sight, and it had got to be
almost dark, and I concluded to get aboard and rest
myself. 
t!




LANTY OLIPHANT IN COURT.
BY MAJ. KELLY, OF LOUISIANA,
The writer of the diverting sketch annexed has taken leave of his
editorial sanctum, and "gone to the wars;" in other words, to'Mexico, where, we trust, he will render as good an account
of himself as he has of" LANTY OLIPHANT."
LAWYERS allege that there are four classes of witnesses
-those who prove too much, those who prove too little,
those of a totally negative character, and those of no
character at all, who will prove any thing.  We have a
case'in point.
Far, very far away froin the tall Blue mountains, at a
little place called Sodom, there were upon a time three
neighbours called in as arbitrators to settle a point, relative to some stolen chickens, in dispute between one
Lot Corson and a ", hard case" called Emanuel Allen,
better known thereabout as King of the Marsh.' Mister Constable," said one of the demi-judicials,
"now call the principal witness."
" Lanty Oliphant!  Lanty  Olip-h-a-n-t!" bawled
Dogberry.  "Mosey in and be swore."
In obedience to this summons, little Lanty, whose
bottle had usurped the place in his affections commonly
assigned to soap and water, waddled up, and was qualified, deprecating by a look the- necessity of such a useless ceremony among gentlemen.
38




LANTY OLIPHANT IN COURT,             39
"Mister Oliphant, you are now  swore.  Do you
know the value of an oath?" asked the senior of the
board.
" Doesn't I!' rejoined Lanty, with a wink at a bystander.  "Four bushel of weight wheat, the old score
wiped off, and licker for the hul day throw'd in."
This matter-of-fact answer met a severe frown from
the man with the red ribbon round his hat.
C" Well, Mister Oliphant," continued the senior, "' tell
all you know about this here case.  Bill M —— k, shoo
your dog off that. d-d old sow."
Lanty here testified.'" Feelin' a sort of outish t'other
day, ses I to the old woman, ses I, I'll jist walk over to
Lot's and take a nipper or two this mornin', ses I. It'll
take the wind off my stomach sorter, ses I. Then the
old woman's feathers riz, they did, like a porkypine's
bristles, and ses she, Lanty, says she, if you'd on'y aim
more bread and meat, and drink less whisky, you
would'nt have wind on your stomach.   Suse, ses I,
this is one of my resarved rights, and I goes agin home
industry, ses I, sort o' laughin' out o' the wrong side  o'
my mouth.' Resarved rights or desarved wrongs,' ses
her,  you'r always a drinkin' and talkin' politics when
you orter be.at work, and there's never nothin' to eat
in the house.' Well, as I was agoin over to Lot's jist
fernent where the fence was, ses I to myself, ses I, if
there is'nt the old King's critters in my corn field, so I'll
jist go and tell him  on't.  When I gets there, Good
mornin', Lanty, ses he. Good mornin', old hoss, ses I,
and when I went in, there was a pot on the fire a cookin',
with a great big speckled rooster in it."
" Mister Oliphant!" here interposed one of the arbi



4)0         LANTY OLIPHANT IN COURT.
trators.  " Remember that you are on oath.' How do
you know that the chicken in the pot was'a big speckled rooster? "
"'Kase I seed the feathers at the woodpile!" promptly
responded Lanty, who then continued:
"' Well, when I gits to Lot's, Good mornin' Lot, ses
I. Good mornin', Lanty, ses he. You didn't see nothin'
no where of nar' a big speckled rooster that didn't belong to nobody, did you? ses he. Didn't I? ses I.
Come, Lanty, ses he, let's take a nipper, ses he; and
then I up and tells him all about it."
" Had Mr. Allen no chickens of his own?" asked the
senior.
"Sartin'," rejoined Lanty.;'but there warn't a
rooster in the crowd. They was all layin' hens!"
" Well," inquired another of the referees, " how many
of these hens had Mr. Allen?"
This question fairly " stump'd" Lanty for a moment,
but he quickly answered:
vThy, with what was there, and what wasn't there,
counting little and big, spring chickens and all, there:,?, ]forty odd, EXACTLY!". no further questions were put to this witness!




BILL MORSE ON THE CITY TAXES.
BY CC BAGGS,)' OF BOSTON, MASS.
The following sketch is the first of a series which have appeared
in the "' Spirit of the Times," from the pen of a young gentleman of Boston, from whom 6 great things" are expected" one
of these days."
SOME time ago, long before the " Boundary Question"
was settled, there lived upon the extreme frontiers of
Maine a young man ycleped "BILL MORSE."  He supported a primitive sort of establishment, and his whole
circle of acquaintance consisted of some half a dozen
half-civilized individuals, residing in the vicinity. His
principal occupations were killing venison and felling
trees; and reading and writing were accomplishments
to which Bill laid no claim.
In the course of time, however, a rich relation-a
Southern planter probably —happened to leave this world
for a better, and, fortunately for Bill, left no will behind
him. By a curious and intricate course of legal proceedings and without any interference on his part, Bill
Morse found himself a wealthy man. The "' gentleman
of the green bag" who travelled down to impart this
information, conducted Bill to Bangor, and then having
appointed himself Bill's agent, left things to themselves.
The young gentleman came out in due time in very bold
colours, and having always plenty of money at his disposal, enjoyed himself without stint.
Among other rents through which his surplus cash
41




42       BILL MORSE ON THE CITY TAXES.
formed a ready passage, was a large tax, which in the
course of the year was assessed upon him. The bill was
presented, but for the life of him, Bill couldn't make
out its meaning. After some minutes' attentive scrutiny
of the article, he proceeded to the landlord of the hotel
where he visited.
"I say, landlord," said he, " what's this?"
"That, Mr. Morse," answered the landlord, casting
his eyes over the paper, " is a tax bill."
"A  tax bill," murmured Bill, regarding it with an
inquisitive glance-" yes, but what's that?"
"' Why," answered the landlord smiling, " it's your
proportion of the expenses of the city."
"My proportion!" said Bill.  "What, does every
one pay?"
" Certainly," replied the landlord, " every one who
can afford it."
" Oh, I can aford it," said Bill, who was here touched
upon a tender point; "I'll send and have it paid."
The bill was settled, and in proper time a second
made its appearance.  Bill hastened to the landlord.
"Look here," said he in astonishment, "here's another
of them tax bills!"
"Of course," replied the landlord;" they come once
a year."
"The devil they do," cried Bill; "so the city goes
into debt every year, does it?"
"Regularly," said the landlord; "it can't be helped."
"Well, then, damn me!" cried Bill in a high passion,
"if the city hasn't got any better business to do than to
keep on running up debts for me to help her out because 1
did it once, she'll find herself extensively mistaken-I'll
see her d-d before I give her another red cent!"




ANCE VEASY'S FIGHT WITH REUB.
SESSIONS.
BY " AZUL,"  OF MISSISSIPPI.
The writer of the " good'un" subjoined is a new correspondent
of the "Spirit of the Times," with whose name and local
habitation the editor is as familiar as he is with the veritable
man-in-the-moon. He promises to be a valuable acquisition
to the number of our native humorists.
" ARE YOU in favour of Biennial Sessions of the legislature?" asked a manager of an election in Alabama, of
a voter.
" Who?" says the voter, whose name was ANsc VEASY,
and withal, tolerably green.
" Are you in favour of Biennial Sessions of the legislature, Sir?"
"Benial Sessions! I don't know  him.  Is he any
kin to Reub. Sessions? Sir; ef he is I'll bed-d ef you
ketch me a votin fur him! You never hearn me tell about
that fite I had long wid Reub. Sessions, up in Shelby,
did you?"
"' Never mind your fights, now, Mr. Veasy: answer
yea or nay."
"I dosen't know what you mean by your ya and na's,
but I'll be dod rotted ef I vote fur enny uv the Sessions
family, no how you can fix it! Bah! Benial Sessions,
indeed! jest as much fit fur Guvnur as h-ll is fur a icehouse!"
43




44   ANCE VEASY' S FIGHT WITH REUB. SESSIONS.
" Are you in favour of the removal of the State House,.
Mr. Veasy?"l
1" Well I wonder ef tha is'gwine too move the State
House agin? Why tha moved it only two or three years
ago to Wetumpka. I don't see no use of thar movin it
enny more-I think it's in a very good place myself, I
does them, punkins!'
"You are thinking of the Penitentiary, Mr. Veasy.
It's the State House they wish to -move!'"' Well, it taint nothin too me whether tha move it or
not, so I won't vote for it, nor Benial Sessions nuther!"
Several now pressed around Ance to get him to tell
about his fight with Reub. Sessions, up in Shelby. He
said he would come to these terms. They were to give
him a good drink of whisky, and he was to give them
the story. They agreed to it, and gave him the whisky,
and he commenced.
" You see a passel uv us fellers made up a camp-hunt
betwixt us, and Reub., he went with us, but he never
tuck no gun, kase he was so infurnal lazy that he woodn't
even take a stand and watch fur deer. He jest went
along to eat wenzon and to help the fellers cook. Well,
the fust evenin we were out, we killed a mitey fine tow
hed deer, and we fotch him in an cooked wun quarter
fur supper. Reub. ett'bout half uv that quarter; and
arter we went sleep, and'bout midnite I got awake and
razed up, and thar wuz Reub. eatin away like he was
paid fur it. I never sed nuthin, but laid down and went
too sleep: an'bout daylite I waked up and begun too
get reddy too go out and kill sum game, and I'll be dod
durned ef Reub. wuzn't eatin away still, or ruther, pickin
the bones, fur he had ett up all the hole deer an wuz




/
"We lit rouned aiLd round atbout the baLrrels and boxes'bout halfaq  hour." —
Page 45.
II                                                                    il
jI\~~~~~~~~~~~~
t —Lb ~ ~    ~    ~     ~    -
7X'to it  r~utud a~ ~id ronud abolut tlie barr~els  and boxes'b~out bai~f an bIoor.'' —
Pager 4d5.








ANCE VEASY S FIGIHT WITH REUB. SESSIONS. 45
pickin the bones.  Git up, you holler-legged, pot-gutted,
turkey-buzzard, sez I, and make tracks fur home jest as
fast as you kin poot wun leg afore the tuther! and I tuck
the feller side uv the hed with my fist and sorter turned
him over; but he got up pooty soon and done sum uv
the tallest kind uv walking fur home.
"About two or three weeks after the hunt that we
wuz all at Simmon's grocery, on the Montevallo road, an
I wuz tellin the fellars'bout Reub.'s eatin a hole tow
deer an nawin the bones besides, an the feller got rite
ashy'bout it, but I didn't mind him nor never paid no'tention to him, till he bucked up too me an give me a
feller rite under the ear, an I tell ye it made my bed
kinder dizzy. When he gin me the fust lick it made me
sorter mad, but I woodn't a minded ef he hadn't kept
pilin on the agony'bout my ears and smeller. When
I did git my Jeoif Carliner up, the way I pitched it in
too him was a caution to mules. We fit round and round
about the barrels an boxes'bout half an hour, when I got
his hed under my arm an I made him squeal immediantly,
but I wuzn't gwine too let him off without givin him
sumthin too'member Ance Veasy by, an I tell you fellers,
I natally peeled the skin off his face an then I turned him
loose. He tuck up his hat, an when I sorter turned my
back too him, he picked up an ole axe helve an gin me
a wipe aside the bed that laid me cole fur a while I tell
you. But I picked myself up an started sorter arter him,
but he wuz on his hoss an fast banishing out uv site over
the hill.
" The sheriff cum an tuck me up an tried me for trying
to kill, but tha found me requitted, an let me loose, coz
I gin mvself up. But. Reub., he run away, kase he thort




46   ANCE VEASY'S FIGHT WITII REUB. SESSIONS.
how he had killed me, an he stayed away two or three
months; but wenhe heerd as how I wuzn't ded, he cum
back an the sheriff nabbed him an carried him too the
Cort-house, an tride him fur salt and batter an murder
Nwith intent too kill. Tha found him-requitted of murder,
but tha found him gilty uv salt an batter. I didn't see
enny salt in the fite, but thar wuz sum batterin done,
but I done all the batterin myself, except wot he done
with the axe helve. I don't think the feller wot tride
him done fair by him, kase tha kused him uv'tackin me
with pistols an knives, but thar wuzn't narry pistol nor
knife on the ground at the time. Enny how the Judge
says he,
"'Mr. Sessions, the jury has found you gilty uv salt
an batter, an you must go too jail fur wun munth an pay
twenty-five dollars besides.'
"'I don't keer ef you make it two munths, by -!'
says Reub.
"' Fine him ten dollars, Mr. Sheriff, fur swarin in Cort.'
"' I don't keer ef you make it twenty dollars, by -!'
says Reub.
"' Fine him twenty dollars and three munths imprisonment, Mr. Sheriff;' says the Judge.
" That made Reub. stap cussin in the Cort-House, I
tell you, an the Sheriff tuck him off too jail and locked
him up, an he had too stay thar four munths by himself.
c' I had a fite wunst over on the Cahawba river, with
a Tennesee wagoner's dog-did you ever hear me tell'bout it? but never mind now, fellers, I'm gitten mity
dry, an I have too wate until I git a nuther horn, an I
don't keer who pays fur it, I don't."




THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD.
BY F. A. DURIVAGE, ESQ., OF BOSTON, MASS.
Under the well-known signature of "The Old'Un," in the
"Spirit of the Times," Mr. Durivage has acquired the highest
reputation. His "Ghost of the Eleven Strike," and other
original comic sketches, have been read with delight by
thousands. He is now the editor of the Boston 1" Weekly
Symbol" —a very " Odd Fellow's" paper, which he conducts
with signal ability.
" EHurrah! hurrah! the dead ride fastDost fear to ride with me'" -Burger's Leonora.
"This fellow has no feeling of his business."-Ilamlet..Mr. P.-I HAD just crossed the long bridge leadinog
from Boston to Cambridtgeport, and was plodding nmy
dusty way on foot through that not very agreeable
suburb, on a sultry afternoon in July, with a very
creditable thunder-cloud coming up in my rear, when a
stout elderly gentleman, with a mulberry face, a brown
coat, and pepper-and-salt smalls, reined up his nag,
and after learning that I was bound for Old Cambridge, politely invited me to take a seat beside him in
the little sort of tax-cart he was driving.  Nothing
loath, I consented, and we were sooni en route.  The
mare he drove was a very peculiar animal.  She had
few good points to the eye, being heavy-bodied, hammer-headed, thin in the shoulders, bald-faced, and
47




48      THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD.
rejoicing in a little stump of a tail which was almost
entirely innocent of hair.  But there were " lots of
muscle,"  as Major Longbow  says, in  her hind
quarters.
"She aint no Wenus, Sir," said my new acquaintance, pointing with his whip to the object of my scrutiny
-" but handsome is as handsome does. Them's my
sentiments. She's a rum'un to look at, but a good'un
to go."
" Indeed?'
"' Yes, Sir! That there mare, sir, has made good
time-I may say, very good time before the hearse."
" Before the hearse?"
" Before the hearse! S'pose you never heard of
burying a man on time! I'm a sexton, sir, and undertaker-JAcK CROSSBONES, at your service-' Daddy
Crossbones' they call me at PORTER'S."
" Ah! I understand.  Your mare ran away with the
hearse."
" Ran away! A child could hold her.  Oh! yes, of
course she ran away," added the old gentleman, looking full in my face with a very quizzical expression,
and putting the fore finger of his right hand on the right
side of his party-coloured proboscis.
"My dear Sir," said I, "you have excited my
curiosity amazingly, and I should esteem it as a particular faivour if you would be a little less oracular and
a little more explicit."
" I don't know as I'd ought to tell you," said my
new acquaintance very slowly and tantalizingly. " If
you was one of these here writing chaps, you might
poke it in the' Spirit of the Times,' and then it would




THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD.         49
be all day with me. But I don't care if I do make a
clean breast of it. Honour bright, you know."
" Of course."
" Well, then, I live a piece up beyond Old Cambridge-you can see our steeple off on a hill to the
right, when we get a little further. Well, one day, I
had a customer-(he was carried off by the typhus)which had to be toted into town-cause why? he had
a vault there.  So I rubbed down the old mare and
put her in the fills. Ah! Sir! that critter knows as
much as an Injun, and more than a Nigger.  She's as
sober'as be d —d' when she get's the shop-that's
what I call the hearse-behind her. You would not
think she was a three-minute nag, to look at her.
Well, sir, as luck would have it, by a sort of providential inspiration, the day before, I'd took off the old
wooden springs and set the body on el!iptics. For I
thought it a hard case that a gentleman who'd been
riding easy all his life, should go to his grave on
wooden springs. Ah! I deal well by my customers. I
thought of patent boxes to the wheels, but I couldn't
afford it, and the parish are desperate stingy.
" Well, I got himl in, and led off the string-fourteen'hacks, and a dearbourn wagon at the tail of the funeral.
We made a fine show. As luck would have it, just as
we came abreast of Porter's, out slides that eternal torment, BILL SIKES, in his new trotting sulky, with the
brown horse that he bought for a fast crab, and is
mighty good for a rush, but hain't got nigh so much
bottom as the mare.  Bill's light weight, and his sulky's
a mere feather.  Well, sir) Bill came up alongside, and
walked his horse a bit. He looked at the mare and




50       THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD.
then at ine, and then he winrked.  Then he looked at
his nag and put his tongue in his cheek, and winked.
I looked straight ahead, and only said to myself,' Cuss
you, Bill Sikes.' By and by, he let his horse slide.
He travelled about a hundred yards, and then held up
till I carne abreast, and then he winked and bantered
me again. It was d-d aggravatin'. Says I to myself,
says I-' that's twice you've done it, my buzzum friend
and sweet-scented shrub-but you doesn't do that'ere
again.' The third time he bantered me, I let him have
it. It was only saying' Scat you brute,' and she was
off-that mare.  He had all the odds, you know, for
I was toting a two hundred pounder, and he ought to
have beat me like breaking sticks, now hadn't he? He
had me at the first brush, for I told you the brown horse
was a mighty fast one for a little ways.  But soon I
lapped him.  I had no whip, and he could use his
string-but he had his hands full.  Side by side, away
we went. Rattle-te-bang! crack! abuz! thump! And
I afraid of losing my customer on ihe road. But I was
more afraid of losing the race.  The reputation of the
old mare was at a stake, and I swore she should have
a fair chance.  We went so fast that the posts and rails
by the road side looked like a log fence.  The old
church and the new one, and the colleges, spun past
like Merry Andrews.  The hackmen did not know
what the ~ was to pay, and, afraid of not being in
at the death, they put the string onto their teaus, and
caine clattering on behind as if Satan had kicked'enm
on eend.  Some of the mourners was sporting characters, and they craned out of the carriage windows and
waved their handkerchiefs.  The President of Harvard




THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD.           51
College hilnself, inspired by the scene, took off his
square tile as I passed his house, and waving it three
times round his head, cried,' Go it, Boots!' It is a
fact, And I beat him, sir! I beat him, in three miles,
a hulndred rods.  He gin it up, sir, in despair."
"c His horse was off his feed for a week, and when he
took to corn again he wasn't worth a straw. It was
acknowledged on all hands to be the fastest funeral on
record, though I say it as shouldn't.  I'm  an undertaker, sir, and I never yet was overtaken."
On subsequent inquiry at Porter's, where the sporting
sexton left me, I found that his story was strictly true
in all the main particulars. A terrible rumpus was
kicked up about the race, but Crossbones swore lustily
that the mare had run away —that he had sawed away
two inches of her lip in trying to hold her up, and that
he could not have done otherwise, unless he had run
her into a fence and s)illed his," customer" into the
ditch.  If any one expects to die anywhere near the
sexton's diggings, I can assure them  that the jolly old
boy is still alive and kicking, the very'" Ace of Hearts"
and "Jack of Spades,"' and that now both patent boxes
and elliptic springs render his professional conveyance
the easiest running thing on the road.




GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.
BY JUDGE DOUGLASS, OF ILLINOIS.
Next to judge "Horse Allen," of Missouri, Judge Douglass, of
Illinois, is decidedly the most original and amusing member
of the western bar-or we are no judge.
As I was saying, ten years ago, Judge Douglass, of
Illinois, was a beardless youth of twenty years of age,
freshly come amongst the people of the 1" Sucker State,"
with an air about him suspiciously redolent of Yankeeland.   A  mere youthful adventurer amongst those
" quare" Suckers-one would deem the position embarrassing.  Not so with the judge; he had come on business.  A political fortune was to be made, and no tinme
lost. He was about launching on the sea of popular favour, and he commenced a general coast survey the day
he arrived.  He soon made himself District Attorney,
member of the Legislature, Register of the U. S. Land
Office, Secretary of State, and Judge of the Supreme
Court.
" How do you adapt yourself," said I, " Judge, to
the people? How did you'naturalize' yourself, as it
were?"
" Oh, nothing easier; you see I like it. It's democratic.  But it did come awkward at first.  You know
I am, or rather was, bashful to rather a painful degree.
Well, now, nine-tenths of my constituents despise luxu52




GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.    53
ries, and have no such thing as a second room in their
houses. In beating up for votes, I live with my constituents, eat with my constituents, drink with them, lodge
with them, pray with them, laugh, hunt, dance and work
with them; I eat their corn dodgers and fried bacon,
and sleep two in a bed with them. Among my first
acquaintances were the L   s, down under the Bluffs.
Fine fellows, the L    as,-by the way, I am sure of
five votes there.  Well, you perceive, I had to live
there: and I did live there. But, sir, I was frightened
the first night I slept there.  I own it; yes, sir, I
acknowledge the corn. An ice in August is something:
but I was done to an icicle; had periodical chills for
ten days. Did you ever see a Venus in linsey-woolsey?"
N6  o!"'" Then you shall see Serena L-   s.  They call her
the'White Plover:' seventeen:-plump as a pigeon,
and smooth as a persimmon.  How the devil, said I to
myself, soliloquizing the first night I slept there, am I to
go to bed before this young lady? I do believe my heart
was topsyturvied, for the idea of pulling off my boots
before the girl was death. And as to doffing my other
fixtures, I would sooner have my leg taken off with a
wood-saw. The crisis was tremendous. It was nearly
midnight, and the family had been hours in bed.  Miss
Serena alone remained. Bright as the sun, the merry
minx talked on. It was portentously obvious to me at
last, that she had determined to outsit me. By repeated
spasmodic efforts, my coat, waistcoat, cravat, boots and
socks were brought off. During the process, my beautiful neighbour talked to me with unaverted eyes, and
D




-54    GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.
with that peculiar kind of placidity employed by painters to imbody their idea of the virgin.  I dumped
myself down in a chair, in a cold perspiration. A distressing thought occurred to me.  Does not the damsel
stand on a point of local etiquette? It may be the
fashion of these people to see strangers in bed before
retiring themselves? IMay I not have kept those beautiful eyes open, from  ignorance of what these people
deem  good breeding?  Neither the lady's eyes nor
tongue had indeed betrayed fatigue.  Those large jet
eyes seemed to dilate and grow brighter as the blaze of
the wood fire died away; but doubtless this was from
kind consideration for the strange wakefulness of her
guest. The thing was clear. I determined to retire,
and without delay.  I arose with firmness, unloosed
my suspenders, and in a voice not altogether steady,
said:
"'  Miss Serena, I think I will retire.'
"'Certainly, sir,' she quietly observed,' you will
lodge there, sir;' inclining her beautiful head towards
a bed stand-ing a few yards from where she was sitting.
I proceeded to uncase; entrenching myself behind a chair
the while, fondly imagining the position offered some
security.  It is simply plain to a man in his senses,
that a chair of the fashion of the one I had thrown
between myself and'the enemy,' as a military man
would say, offered almost no security at all. No more,
in fact, than standing up behind a ladder —nothing in
the way of the artillery of bright eyes, as a poet would
say, sweeping- one down by platoons.  Then I had a
dead open space of ten feet between me and the bed;
a sort of Bridge of Lodi passage which I x;as forced to




GOING' TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.    55
make, exposed to a cruel raking fire fore and aft.
Although I say it, who should not say it, an emergency
never arose for which I had not a resource.  I had
one for this.  The plan was the work of a moment,
I de    "'" Ah! I see, you stormed the battery and s —--
6 Bah! don't interrupt me. No; I determined, by a
bold ruse de guerre, to throw her attention out of the
window, clear the perilous passage, and fortify myself
under the counterpane before she recovered her surprise.
The plan failed. You see I am a small man, physically
speaking. -Body, limbs, and head, setting up business
on one hundred and seven and a half pounds, all told,
of flesh, blood, and bones, cannot, individually or collectively, set up any very ostentatious pretensions.  I
believe the young lady must have been settling in her
mind some philosophical point on that head.  Perhaps
her sense of justice wished to assure itself of a perfectly
fair distribution of the respective motives.  Perhaps she
did not feel easy until she knew that a kind Providence
had not added to general poverty individual wrong.
Certain it was, she seemed rather pleased with her
speculations; for when I arose from a stooping posture
finally, wholly disencumbered of cloth, I noticed mischievous shadows playing about the corners of her
mouth.  It was the moment I had determined to direct
her eye to some astonishing circumstance out of the
window.  But the young lady spoke at the critical
moment.
"'Mr. Douglass,' she observed,'you have got a
mighty small chance of legs there.'
" MIen seldom have any notice of their own powers;




66     GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG.LADY.
I never made any pretensions to skill in ground and
lofty tumbling; but it is strictly true, I cleared, at one
bound, the open space, planted myself on the centre
of tle bed, and was buried -in the blankets in a
twinkling."
"I congratulate you, my boy," said I, poising a cube
of the crimson core of the melon on the point of my
knife.; "a a lucky escape truly! But was the young lady
modest?";" Modest, sir!-there is not in Illinois a more modest,
or more sensible girl.  It's habit —-all. habit.  I think
nothing of it now. Why, it's only last week I was at
a fine wedding party, and a large and fine assembly of
both sexes lodged in the same room, with only three
feet or so of neutral territory between them."
"  You astonish me, l1Mr. Douglass.)"' Fact, sir, upon my honour.  You see these people
are the very soul of hospitality, and never allow a fine
social party to turn out at twelve o'clock at night to go
long distances home. All that is more cleverly managed
here. An Illinois bed has a power of elongation or
expansion perfectly enigmatical to strangers.  One bed
four feet wide, will, on occasion, flank one whole side
of the house, and is called a field-bed, and large parties
will range themselves on opposite sides of the house as
economically as candles in a box."
"But, my dear fellow, this is drouthy prose, introduce yourself to that little fellow in the corner, and
pass him  over; and now  tell me  all about old
Canandaigua."




GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.    57
THIS story of Judge Douglass has suggested to FIELD,
of the St. Louis "Reveille," the following adventure
of a Missouri politician:The " gentleman of Illinois" is not the only gentleman whose legs have led him into embarrassment.  A
political friend of ours, equally happy in his manners,
if not in his party, among the Mlissouri constituency,
found himself, while canvassing the State, last summer,
for Congress, in even a more peculiarly perplexing
predicament than the Illinois judge.
There is a spot in the south-western part of this State,
known as The Fiery Forlc of Honey Run!-a delicious
locality, no doubt, as the run of "' honey" is of course
accompanied by a corresponding flow of " milk," and
a mixture of milkand honey, or at any rate, honey and
"peach," is the evidence of sublunary contentment,
every place where they have preaching!
" Honey Run," further Christianized by the presence
of an extremely hospitable family whose mansion, comprising one apartment-neither more nor less-is renowned for being never shut against the traveller, and
so our friend found it during the chill morning air, at
the expense of a rheumatism  in his shoulder, its numerous unaffected cracks and spaces clearly showing, that
dropping the latch was a useless formality. The venerable host and hostess, in their one apartment, usually
enjoy the society of two sons, four daughters, sundry
dogs and " niggers," and as many lodgers as may
deem it prudent to risk the somewhat equivocal allotment of sleeping partners.  On the night in question,
our friend, after a hearty supper of' hlam and eggs, an d
a canvass of the Fiery /For/cers, ftle old lady ha.vinl




58     GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.
pointed out his bed, felt very weary, and only looked
for an opportunity to c" turn in," though the mosquitoes
were trumping all sorts of wrath, and no net appeared
to bar them. The dogs flung themselves along the
floor, or again rose, restlessly, and sought the door-step;
the " niggers" stuck their feet in the yet warm ashes;
the old man stripped, unscrupulously, and sought his
share of the one collapsed-looking pillow, and the sons,
cavalierly  followed his example, leaving the  old
woman, " gals," and cc stranger," to settle any question
of delicacy that might arise.
The candidate yawned, looked at his bed, went to
the door, looked at the daughters; finally, in downright
recklessness, seating himself upon " the downy," and
pullig off his coat. Well, he pulled off his coat-and
he folded his coat —and then he yawned-and then he
whistled-and then lie called the old lady's attention to
the fact, that it would never do to sleep in his muddy
trousers-and then he undid his vest-and then he
whistled again-and then, suddenly, an idea of her
lodger's possible embarrassment seemed to flash upon
the old woman, and she cried-'L Gals, jest turn your backs round'till the stranger
gits into bed."
The backs were turned, and the stranger did get
into bed in " less than no time," when the hostess again
spoke.
" Reckon, stranger, as you aint used to us, you'd
better lcitier uip till the gals undress, hadn't you?"
By this time our friend's sleepy fit was over, and
though he did "kiver up," as desired, somehow or
other, the old counterpane was equally kind in hiding




GOING TO BED BEFORE A YOUNG LADY.    59
his blushes, and favouring  his sly glances.  The
nymphs were soon stowed away, for there were neither
bustles to unhitch nor corsets to unlace, when their
mamma, evidently anxious not to smother her guest,
considerately relieved him.
" You can unkiver now, stranger; I'm marriedfolks,
and you aint afeared o' me, I reckon!"
The stranger happened to be 1" married folks," himself; he unkivered, and turned his back with true
connubial indifference, as far as the ancient lady was
concerned, but, with regard to the " gals," he declares
that his half-raised curiosity inspired the most tormentinp d-reams of mermaids that ever he experienced.




A MILLERITE MIRACLE.
BY C. A. P.) OF KENTUCKY.
In the following sketch is displayed in bold relief the mummeries practised by Miller, Himes, and others, who have
followed in the footsteps of Matthias "the prophet," and
humbugs of like stamp. It is from the pen of a new correspondent of the "s Spirit of the Times."
IN a little village in the state of Hoosierana, in the
year 1844, there was " all sorts" of excitement concerning the doctrines and prophesies of that arch-deceiver,
Miller.  For months the Midnight Cry, followed by
the Morning Howl, and the Noonday Yell, had circulated through the village and surrounding counties, to
an extent not even equalled by Dr. D.'s celebrated
speech.  IMen disposed of their property for little or
nothing.  The -women were pale and ghastly from
watching and praying, and in fact, the whole population,
or at least those who believed in the coming ascension,
looked as if they were about half-over a second attack
of the chills and fever. There were, however, some
" choice spirits," (not choice in theirs, however,) who,
notwithstanding the popularity of the delusion, would
not enlist under the banners of the ascensionists, and
among these was a wild, harumscarum blade from
"'Down East," by the name of Cabe Newham.  Now
Cabe was as hard "' a case" as you woulc meet on a
fourth of July in Texas, always alive for fun and sport
C0




A lMILLERITE MIRACLE.           61
of any and every description, and a strong disbeliever
in Millerism.
The night of the third of April was.the time agreed
upon out west here, for the grand exhibition of c" ground
and lofty tumbling," and about ten o'clock of the said
night, numbers of the Millerites assembled on the outskirts of the town, on a little eminence, upon which the
proprietor had allowed a few trees to stand.  In the
crowd, and the only representative of his race present,
was a free negro by the name of Sam, about as ugly,
black, woolly, and rough a descendant of IHam as ever
baked his shinsover a kitchen fire.
Sam's head was small, body and arms very long, and
his legs bore a remarkable resemblance to a pair of
hames; in fact, put Sam on a horse, his legs clasped
round its neck, his Lead towards the tail, and his arms
clasped round the animal's hams, and at ten paces off
you would swear he was an old set of patent gvearing.
The leader of the Millerites, owing to an " ancient
grudge he bore him," hated Sam "like smoke," and
had done all in his power to prevent his admittance
among the " elect," but all to no purpose; Sam would
creep in at every meeting, and to-night here he was
again, dressed in a white robe of cheap cotton, secured
to his body by a belt, and shouting and praying as loud
as the best.
Now on the morning of the third, Cabe had, with a
deal of perseverance, and more trouble, managed to
throw a half-inch hemp cord over the branch: of an oak,
which stretched its long arm directly over the spot where
the Millerites would assemble; one end lie had secured
to the body of the tree, and the other to a stump some




62            A MILLERITE MIRACLE.
distance off. About ten o'clock, when the excitement
was getting about " eighty pounds to the inch," Cabe,
wrapped in an old sheet, walked into the crowd, and
proceeded to fasten, in as secure a manner as possible,
the end of the rope to the back part of the belt which
confined Sam's robe, and having succeeded, "sloped"
to join some of his companions who had the other end.
The few stars in the sky threw a dim light over the
scene, and in a few moments the voice of Sam was
heard, exclaiming " Gor Almighty! I'se a goin' up!
Who-o-oh!" and sure enough, Sam was seen mounting
into the " ethereal blue;" this was, however, checked
when he had cleared " terra firma" a few  feet.
" Glory!!" cried one, "Hallelujah!" another, and
shrieks and yells made night hideous; some fainted,
others prayed, and not a few dropped their robes and' slid."  Now, whether it was owing to the lightness
of his head, or the length and weight of his heels, or
both, Sam's position was not a pleasant one; the belt
to which Cabe's cord was attached was bound exactly
round his centre of gravity, and Sam swung like a pair
of scales, head up and heels down, heels up and head
down, at the same time sweeping over the crowd like a
pendulum, which motion was accelerated by his strenuous clapping of hands and vigorous kicking.  At
length he became alarmed, he wouldn't go up, and he
couldn't come down! "Lor a massy," cried he, "jist
take up poor nigger to um bosom, or lef him down
again, easy, easy. Lef him  down again, please um
Lor, md  dis nigger will go straight to um  bed!
Ugh-h-h," and Sam's teeth chattered with affright, and
he kicked again more vigorously than before, bringing




A MILLERITE MIRACLE.            63
his head directly downward and his heels up, when a
woman shrieking out,'" Oh! Brother Sam, take me
with you," sprung at his head as he swept by her,
and caught him by the wool, bringing him up "d all
standing."  "Gosh! Sister," cried Sam, " lef go um
poor nigger's har."  Cabe gave another pull at the
rope, but the additional weight was too much, the belt
gave way and down came Sam, his bullet head taking
the leader of the saints a "feeler" just between the
eyes. "Gosh, is I down agin'?" cried the bewildered
Sam, gathering himself up.  "I is, bress de Lor! but
I was nearly dar, I seed de gate!"  The leader wiped
his overflowing proboscis, took Sam by the nape of the
neck, led him to the edge of the crowd, and giving him
a kick, said, "Leave, you cussed baboon! you are so
ugly I know'd they wouldn't let you in."




OLD SINGLETIRE,
TIlE MAN THAT WAS NOT ANNEXED.
BY THE LATE ROBERT PATTERSON, ESQ., OF LOUISIANA.
The writer of the following incident was a long time associated
with the author of " Tom Owen, the Bee Hunter"-T. B.
Thorpe, Esq.-in editing the " Concordia Intelligencer." He
was a remarkably clever man, and his early death last season
has deprived his contemporaries of a most entertaining and
worthy member of the " press gangs."
A' GOOD story is told- of this bold frontiersman, who
had made himself notorious, and given his character the
bend sinister, by frequent depredations on both sides the
boundary line between Texas and the United States.
The old fellow had migrated thither from parts unlknown,
years since, knew every foot of country for fifty miles
on either side in his vicinity,. and had conmmunication
by runners with many "birds of the same feather," then
common in the region.
The old fellow saw, wilh sorrow and regret, the rapid
influx' of population within the last ten years, and was
compelled gradually to narrow his sphere of usejylness,
for, said he, " People's a gittin too thick about me-tha
and their varmints and critters is fillin up the woods and
spilin the huntin —and then tha aint no chance for a fellar to speculate upon travellers as tha used to be when
tha wan't any body to watch a fellar: —why, tha is get64




OLD SINGLETIRE.                65
en to be so civylizated that a fellar can't drink a barrel,f double-rectified'thout havin' em  all abusin' himi
about it-and then ef he doas happen jist by accident to,lrap half an ounce of lead into a feller, why tha is all
up in arms about it. Now t'other day when I wanted to
mark Joe Sliteses' ears like tha marks their hogs,'case
he called me a vill-yan, they wanted to jewdicate me
afore the court.  But cuse'em for a set of blasted fools
they aint a gwoin to fool'Old  Singletire' ef he is
a gitten old and ain't as quick on the trigger as he used
to was.
" Blast their skins, I don't care ef tha does annexate
Texas! I'll show'em somethin-tho' tha thinks tha is
got me slick when tha git the two countries wedged up
into one-but I'll fix em, I'll quit and go to ARKANSAW
— whar a decent white man kin live'thout bein' pestered,
and bused and jewdicated.!'
"' Old Single'~ as he was called,for short, had several years previous to the late discussion of the annexation question, with singular'cuteness ascertained the precise line dividing the two territories, and built his cabin
thereon in such a position that when lying down-he
slept, one half in the United States, and the other half in
Texas, for he lay at right angles with the line.
The authorities of both sides had frequently found him
in that position, but as their separate claims lay severally
on the entire individual, they were not content to arrest
one half of him at a time. A great deal of courtesy was
at times exhibited by the officers, each pressing the other
to break the forms of international law by pulling Old
Single bodily over either side the line. Each was up to
trap, and feared the other wished to trick him, and de



66               OI,1 SSINGLETIRE,.
clined the effort which might cause a rupture between
Texas and the Union.
On one occasion they were exceedingly pressing on
the subject, at first politely so, then teasing each other,
and then daring by taunt, and jeer, and jibe, until they
worked themselves into such furious excitement that'" Old Single," their pretended victim, had to command and preserve the peace —" Gentle-men,"' said
he, " you may fun, and fret, and quarrel jist as much as
you please in my house —but when tha is any lickin to
be done'bout these diggins, why  Old Single' is
thar sure!-so look out boys, ef you strikes you dies:
-show  your sense, make friiends, and  let's liker.
You,' nodding to one, " hand me a gourd of water;
and, You," to another, "pass that bottle and I'll drink
to your better'quaintance."'
The day passed, "Old Single" crosses the line,
and one of the beauties on each side his cot, all going
it like forty at twenty-deck poker-a sociable game as
Sol. Smith says-and as remarked our informant, " the
old man was a perfect Cumanche horse at any game whar
tha was curds."
For the last three months " Old Single" had been
mightily distressed —'" mighty oneasy bout annexation"
-for he knew he would be compelled to travel-well
the news of the action of Texas on this great question
was received in " Old Single's" vicinity on 29th of
June-the day it reached Fort Jessup.
Next morning " the boys" from Boston and De Kalb,
a couple of border villages-after a glory gathering
about annexation, determined to storm "G Old Single"
and "' rout" him.  They accordingly, en masse a-lax




OLD SINGLETIRLE,.              67
regulator, started off for his cabin, and on arriving near
it, a consultation was held, and it was determined that
bloodshed was useless-as it was certain to occur if
violence was resorted to-and that a flag of truce should
be sent into the fortress, offering terms.
The old man was found in a gloomy mood, with
a pack strapped to his back, in woodsman style.  "Old
Centresplit, his friend of thirty years' standing, his rifle,
his favourite-his all-was laid across his knees, and
he in deep thought, his eyes resting on vacancy. As
the delegation entered, he looked up, " Well, boys,
the time is cum, and Texas and you, is annixated,
but I aint, and I aint a gwoin to be nuther!-so take
care how you raise my dander; I can  shoot sum
yet!"e
The party explained, and it was agreed the old febl
low should take up the march upon the line for the
nearest point on Red River, the party escorting him
at twenty paces distant on either side-that the last
mile should be run-that if he struck the water's edge
first, he should go fiee-if otherwise, he was to be
taken and rendered up a victim to the offended dignity of the laws.  " s1greed," said Old Single, " it's a
bargain.  Boys, tha is a gallon in that barrel, let's
finish it in a friendly way, and then travel." The
thing was done, the travel accomplished, and the race,
fast and furious, was being done.  The old fellow led
the crowd, hallooing at his topmost voice as he gained
the river —" HOOPEE!-HURRAH!-I  aint annixated.tI'm off-I aint no whar-nuther in the States nor Texas,
BUT IN ARKANSAW!!!" swam to the opposite shore, fired
a volley, gave three cheers, and retired victorious.




"'RUNNING A SAW" ON A FRENCHI
GENTLEMAN.
BY "C GINSANGANDSON,) OF PHILADELPHIA.
One of the most amusing correspondents of the," Spirit of the
Times" is " the gentleman with the hard name," whose
nomne de plume is quoted above. In more respects than we
care to state, he is, emphatically, " a host in himself," as every
Philadelphian, and the travelling community generally, will
bear willing testimony.
A FRENCHMAN who had been residing some years in
London, and appeared to be very vain of his knowledge
of mankind, was detailing to some of his compatriots in
this country a little adventure which happened to him
in The Great Metropolis. I give you the story in his
own words as much as possible, his manner you must
conceive.
(W hen I was in Londres, I go vun day into wat ze
Anglais call ze caf6, an I give ze order to ros me von
docke; ze Anglais ros ze docke ver well; ven de
dlocke was place before me I find him von ver fine
docke, and ver well ros; he was ver brown, ver full of
ze stuff aux ognons, an ze flaveur was ver fine. I put
ze fork into ze docke and I commence to cut ze docke,
mais when I have begin to cut ze docke I hear some
person make loud strong noise comme 9a-Oh -  -! as
if ze heart was break. I put down ze knife on ze plate,
68




e( RUNNING A SAW 5) ON A FRENCHMAN.    69
an I look roun to see who make ze noise comme'aOh -! Ven I look roun I see right opposite to me
von gentlman, who was ver well dress; he ave ver
good cote, ver good pantalon, and ver good boot, but
lhe have dam leetle hat wiz a hole in ze top; I no like
dat, mais he was a gentlman; ze noise could not be
made by him, an I proceed to cut ze docke, mais, ver
I ave proceed to cut ze docke ze second time, I hear
une autre fois ze same noise, comme qa-Oh- -! plus
forte, grate deal loudaire zan ze first time. I look roun,
mais I see nobody but ze gentlman; I look at ze
gentlman, an ze gentlman look at me.  He v.as gentlman, for he ave ver good cote, ver good pantalon,
and ver good boot, mais he' ave dam leetle hat on ze'
head wiz a hole in ze top, an ze hair come out; I no
likle dat, mais he vas gentlman.  Eh bien! I ave say
to  ze gentlman-' Monsieur, pour quoi you make
comme  a —Oh!?' and ze gentlman ave make
me answer an say,' Sare, I ave eat nosing for tree day,
an I am ver hungry.' Mon dieu, I say to myself, ze
gentlman ave reason, he ave eat nosing for tree day.
Sacre-bleu he must ave ver grate hungaire, an ven I
ave say dis to myself I look at ze docke, he was ver
fine docke, an ver well ros. Zen I say to myself ze
seconde time, I shall give ze half of ze docke to ze
gentlman, an zen I give ze invitation to ze gentlman,
to partage ze docke wiz me. Ven ze gentlman ave
receive ze invitation he rite way place himself vis a vis
to me, an ma fois! ausi quick as ze lightnin he ave eat
ze hole of my docke, Bigod, quel fairn   Ze gentiman
ave speak ze truf, he was ver hungry!  En verite, 1
should like to eat piece of my docke, mais.ven I zmk
E




70     " RUN-NING A SAW ~ ON A FRENCHMAN
ze gentIman ave eat nosing for tree day, an as for me
I ave dejuner tres forte, I ring ze bell an I give ze ordei
for a noser docke; in ze mean time, however, ze
gentIman ave drink ze hole of my wine. Eh bien, I
I deman ze oder bouteille, an zen ze oder docke come;
ver fine docke, mais not so good as ze last,-n'importe,
ze docke was ver good, mais dis time I ave cut ze
docke for me, an ze gentlman ave got ze oser piece,
he was so hungry, quel dammage, so mooch a gentiman, so well he dress. He ave ver good cote, ver
good pantalon, an ver good boot, mais ze dam leetle
hat wiz ze hole in ze top; I no like dat, but he WAS
gentlman. Eh bien, apres a'd ze gentlman was satisfy
he ave eat nearly ze two docke, an I was satisfy, an
yen I ave settle ze conte ze lanlor was satisfy aussi; an
zen I ave say to ze gentlman,'Monsieur, I sall ave
ze plaisir to see you some oser time, demain chez vous,
at your house,' and ze gentlman he make grate noise,
un autre fois for ze zurd time, comme ga-Oh! an
he say to me,'Sare, I ave no house.'  Eh bien! I
reply to him, vare do you slip? an he say to me,'Sare, I slip in ze street.'  Bigod, I say to myself,
wat grate pitie such hansome gentlinan slip in ze
street; an zen I look at him again, an I know he is
gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, such ver good
pantalon, an such ver good boot, but zen I see ze dam
leetle hat wiz ze hole in ze top, I no like dat! but he
was gentlman. Nevare min, I shall take ze gentlman
chez moi to my house! bigod he shall not slip in ze
street! So I give him ze invitation to go to my house,
which he ave accept with great plaisir. Ven I ave take
him chez moi I make in ze corner what ze Anglais call




gC RUNNING A SAW   ON % FRENCHS!MA N.
ze shake-down, — shake-up! an ze gentlmasi commence
already to take off ze close.  Pour la,reniere he avet
put ze dam leetle hat wiz ze holep n ze top on ze chair,
I no like    so when he a;e turn his back, I give it
Yon leetle kick under ze bed and nevare say nosing;
ze gentIman zen'ake off ze cote, ver good cote —ver
good cote indeed! an he take off' ze pantalon, ver fine
pantalo:  Ter good pantalon-oui, ver good! an zen he
take off ze boot, ah ma fois, zey were good boot, ver
fine boot indeed, an ze gentlman he go to slip. Eh
bien, c'est fine, I ave nosing else to do, I go to slip
aussi, an I nevaire hear nosing at all tout la nuit, I mus
have slip ver well. In ze morning, ver early, a la
bonne heur, I rub my eyes an fine myself wake up; I
put ze head out of ze bed an I look for my compagnon,
mais ze gentlman I no see him, no doute he slip vei
mooch hard, he have grand fatigue he slip all ze time
in ze street, I ave grate compassion for him; so I turn
on ze oser side an I make ze second time wat ze
Anglais call ze leetle nappe, not ze' nappe Francaise,'
mais ze'nappe Anglaise;' chose tres difference je
vous assur6.  Eh bien, ven I ave rub ze eye ze second
time, I fin it was ten o'clock of ze watch, an I say to
ze gentleman who have slip in ze corner all ze nite,'Monsieur, levez vous! it is time to get up,' an ze
gentlman ave make no response, an zin I get up myself an
I look in ze corner, mais I fin nosing, ze gentlman was
gone. Ah ha! I say to myself, ze gentlman was tres
reconnaisant, he ave ver mooch gratitude, he mus ave
wake up an he fin me slip ver good, he no like to make
ze noise to disturb me; Iave no dout he will come
back ven he zink I ave wake up, an he will make me




qS72   -~ RUNNING A SAWi9 ON A FRENCHMAN.
grate zank for my kindness to him zat he did not slip in
ze street. Oh he is such gentlman, he ave such ver good
cote, such fine pantalon, and such ver good boot. Ven
I say zis to myself I zink make my toillette, an I put on my
boot, ver good boot, —mais, wat it is-zey are not my
boot! ver good boot indeed-ver good boot! mais zey
are not my boot. Ah nevaire min, it is mistake, ze
gentlman ave made mistake, he get up so early in ze
morning an ave make ze mistake in ze dark. Eh bien,
he will soon return and make ze grand apologie, for he
is so mooch gentlman-oh oui, he is gentlman, he ave
ver good cote, ver good pantalon, an ze boot are ver
good aussi-not so good as mine, mais ze are ver good.
In ze mean time I zink comme ga to myself, an I look
roun for my pantalon; oh zey are zere. I put on ze
pantalon, mais-que diable! I feel in ze poches, oui,
bigar zey are not my pantalon-ver fine! oui, ver fine
pantalon, mais zey are not my pantalon. Ah tis ver plain,
ze gentlman ave make anoser mistake, an ave take my
)antalon, an zink zey are his pantalon; nevaire'min 
nevaire mrin! he will fine out ze mistake bomby when
he fine ze monnaie in ze poche, he will be ver sorry, for
he is gentlman, he ave such ver good cote, ver good pantalon, an ver good boot; oh oui, he is gentlman, j'en
siis sure. Vile I zink so to myself I look at ze watch,
an I fine him leven o'clock of ze mornin; I tink it is
time to break ze faste, I am ver hungry, so I put on
my —ze debil! what I have here?-ver fine coat, mais,
ouis, it is not my cote-no it is not mny cote! Bigod ze
gentlman ave make un autre fois, a noser gran mistake,
he ave take my cote an lef me his cote, it was ver good
cote —ver good cote indeed! mais it was not my cote.




ii~~ ~~~!,~,i~ Ii
llj                                                          /
j                                              i~~~~~~~~~~t
_______:                               I /
1!11~~~~~~:~-.''...,1[i
aWt ze debbil I got here! Ze dam leetle h(at wiz ze hole in ze top; bigar! ~no
like dat." -Page 73.








C RUNNING A SAW" ON A FRENCHMAN,    73
J'en suis fache ven ze gentlman ave fine it outhe will
be mooch mortify zat he ave take my cote. Ah mon
Dieu! I ave grate pitie for him, he was such gentlman,
I am sure he was gentlman, he ave such ver good cote,
such fine pantalon, and such ver good boot! Oh certainement he was gentlnmen, I nevaire make ze mistake,
I know ze gentlman an he was gentlman, I know he will
come back; an zen I wait for him von hour by ze clock,
an I zink to myself, bigar I ave ze gran rumble in ze
stomac, an I feel ver hungere as if I ave eat nosing for
tree day like ze gentlman, who I ave no doubt ave wait
all zis time at ze caf6 for me. Ah quel shepide! I nevaire zink of zat before, an I look for my hat. It is not
on ze table, —no! it is not on ze    restez! q'avons
nous ici? Who put my hat under ze bed? my new hat!
I ave jus buy him, an ave jus pay von guinea for him;
Venez! I go on ze knee. Ab ha! I ave got him by ze
ear.  Venez ici donc, rodeur!-B-igod! wot ze debil 1
got here! Hein?  Sacre-bleu! mille tonnerres! ze darn
leetle hat wiz ze hole in ze top, bigar   I no like dat, ze
gentlman ave make von dam gran mistake dis time, an
I no like dat. Mais he was gentlman, he ave such ver
good cote, such ver fine pantalon, and such good boot,
mais I no like ze dam leetle hat wiz ze hole in ze top.No! Bigod!! Mais he was gentlhnan."




BREAKING A BANK.
BY SOL. SMITH) AUTHOR OF " THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS.'
We cannot allow a second collection of stories'from the " Spirit
of the Times" to go before the public without containing one
of Sol. Smith's sketches, he having been one of our earliest
correspondents. Besides which, it is not contained in the
Appendix to his own admirable collection of stories, recently
published in Philadelphia.
CAPTAIN Summons is a very clever fellow-and the
"'Dr. Franklin" owas a very superb boat, albeit inclined
to rock about a good deal, and nearly turn over on her
side when visited by a breath of air in the least resembling a gale. Capt. Summons is a clever fellow. All
steamboat captains are clever fellows-or nearly all;
but what I mean to say is, Captain Summons is a particularly -clever fellow!-a clever fellow in the widest
sense of the term-a fellow that is clever in every way —
anxious that his passengers shall be comfortably bestowed, well fed and well attended to-and determined
that they shall amuse themselves "just as they d-n
please," as the saying is. If he happens to have
preachers on board, he puts on a serious countenance
of a Sunday morning-consents that there shall be
preaching-orders the chairs to be set out, and provides
Bibles and hymn-books for the occasion-himself and
74




BREAKING A BANK.                75
officers, whose watch is below, taking front seats and
listening attentively to the discourse.  Likely as not, at
the close of the service, he will ask the reverend gentleman who has:been officiating, with his back in close
proximity to a hot fire in a Franklin furnace, to accompany him to the bar and join him in some refreshments!
If there are passengers on board who prefer to pass the
time away in playing poker, ucre, brag, or whist, tables
and chairs are ready for them, too-poker, brag, ucre
and whist be it! All sorts of passengers are accommodated on the Dr. Franklin —the rights of none are suf-P
fered to be infringed;-all are free to follow such
employments as shall please themselves.  A dance in
the evening is a very common occurrence on this boat,
and when cotillions are on the caipet, the captain is sure
to be thar.
It sometimes happens that, at the commencement of
a voyage, it is fou-nd somlewlhat difficult to reconcile all
tile passengers to the system of Capt. Summons, which
is founded on the broad principle of equal rights to all.
On the occasion of my voyage in the'. Doctor," in December, 1844, 1 foutnd myself surrounded by a crowd
of passengers who were entire strangers to me-a very
rare occurrence to one who travels so often on the western rivers as I do.  I wished my absence from New
Orleans to be as brief as possible, and the "' DoCtor"
was the fastest boat in port at the time of my leaving the
Crescent City; so I resolved to secure a berth in her,
and trust in luck to find a St. Louis boat at the Maouth.
I don't know how it is, or why it is, but by strangers
I am almost always taken for a PREACHER. It was so onl
this voyage.  There. were three Methodist circuit riders




76              BREAKING A BANK.
on board; and it happened that we got acquainted, and
were a good deal together-from which circumstance I
was supposed to be one of them; which supposition was
the means of bringing me into an acquaintance with the
lady passengers, who, for the most part, were very pious,
religiously inclined souls. We had preaching every day,
and sometimes at night; and I must say, in justice to
brothers Twitchel alnd Switchell, that their sermons were
highly edifying and instructive.
in the mean. time, a portion of the passengers " at thp
other end of the hall" continued to play sundry games
with cards, notwithstanding the remonstrances of the
worthy followers of Wesley, who frequently requested
the captain to interfere and break up such unholy doings.
The captain had but one answer-it was something like
this: " Gentlemen, amuse yourselves as you like; preach
and pray to your hearts' content-none shall interfere
with your pious purposes; some like that sort of thing
— I have no objection to it. These men prefer to amuse
themselves with cards; let them-they pay their passage as well as you, gentlemen, and have as much right
to their amusements as you have to yours, and they shall
not be disturbed. Preach, play cards, dance cotillions
-do what you like, I am agreeable; only understand
that all games (preaching among the rest) must cease at
ten o'clock."  So we preachers got very little comfort
from Captain Summons.
Up-u-p, up-up we went.  Christmas day arrived.
All the other preachers had holden forth on divers occasions, and it being ascertained that it was my intention to leave the boat on her arrival at Cairo, a formal
request was preferred, that I should preach tihe Christmas




BREAKING A BANK.              -7
sermon!  The LADIES (God bless them all!) were very
urgent in their applications to me.  "Oh do, brother
Smith! we want to hear you preach! All the others
have contributed their share to our spiritual comfortyou must oblige us-indeed you must." I endeavoured
to excuse myself the best way I could, alleging the
necessity of my leaving the boat in less than an hourmy baggage was not ready-I had a terrible cold, and
many other good and substantial reasons were given;
but all in vain-preach I must.  "' Well," thinks I, "if
I must, I must." At this crisis, casting my eyes down
towards the Social Hall, and seeing an unusual crowd
assembled around a table, I asked one of the brethren
what might be going on down there? The fattest of the
preaching gentlemen replied —" The poor miserable sinners have filled the measure of their iniquity by opening
a FARO BANK!" " Horrible!" exclaimed 1, holding up
my hands-and " horrible!" echoed the ladies and missionaries in full chorus. " Cannot such doings be put
a stop to?" asked an elderly lady, addressing the pious
travellers. " I fear not," groaned my Methodist contemporary, (the fat one.)  " WMe have bVeen trying to convince the captain that some dreadful accident will inevitably befall the boat, if such proceedings are permittedand what do you think he answered?"  " What?" we
all asked, of course.'" Why, he just said, that, inasmuch as he permitted us to preach and pray, he should
let other passengers dance and play, if they chose to do
so; and that.if I didn't like the'proceedings' I complained of I might leave the boat!  Yes-he did; and,
moreover, he mentioned that it was eleven o'clock, and
asked me if I wouldn't' liquor!"'  This announcement




:78            BREAKING A BANK.
of the captain's stubbornness and impiety was met with
a general groan of pity and sorrow, and we resumed the
conversation respecting the unhallowed faro bank. " It
is much to be regretted," remarked the elderly lady who
had spoken before, "that something can't be doneBrother Smith," she continued, appealing directly to me,
and laying her forefinger impressively upon my arm,
1" cannot you break up that bank?"  " Dear Madam,"
I answered, " you know not the difficulty of the task
you impose upon me-FARO BANKS ARE NOT SO EASILY
BROKEN UP as you may imagine; however, as you all
appear so anxious about it, if you'll excuse me from the
sermon, I'll see what can be done."  " Ah! that's a
dear soul!"-"-  I knew he would try" —  He'll be sure
to succeed!"-" Our prayers shall not be wanting!"
Such were the exclamations that greeted me, as I moved
off towards the faro bank. Elbowing my way into the
crowd, I got near the table in front of the dealer, and
was for a time completely concealed from the view of
my pious friends near the door. of the ladies' cabin. I
found the bank was a small affair. The betters were
risking trifling stims, ranging from six to twenty-five
cents.
M-r. Dealer," I remarked, c I have come to break
up this bank."  "The deuse you have!" replied the
banker-" let's see you do it."  " What amount have
you in bank?" I inquired.  " Eleven dollars," was his
answer. "c What is your limit?" asked 1. C A dollar,"
he replied. " Very well,'" said I, placing a ragged Indiana dollar behind the queen-" turn on." He turned,
and the king won for me. I took the two dollars up
and let him make another turn, when I replaced the bet,




BREAKING A BANK.              79
and the queen came up in my'favour; I had now four
dollars, which I placed in the square, taking in the 5, 6,
7, and 8-an-d it won again! Here were seven dollars
of the banker's money. I pocketed three of them, and
bet four dollars behind the queen again; the Jack won,
and the BANK WAS BROKEN! The crowd dispersed in
all directions, laughing at the breaking up of the petty
bank, and I made my way towards the ladies' cabin,
where my new friends were anxiously awaiting the result of my bold attempt. "' Well, well, well," they all
exclaimed-" What success?-have you done it? Do
let us hear all about it!" I wiped the perspiration from
my brow, and putting on a very serious face, I said
solemnly: " I HAVE BROKEN THAT BANK!"  " YOU
have?" they all exclaimed.-" Yes, I'll be d-d if he
hasn't!" muttered the disappointed gamester, the keeper
of the late bank, who was just going into his state-room.
In the midst of the congratulations which were showered
upon me, I received a summons from the captain to
come forward with my baggage-we were at Cairo.




TAKING THE CENSUS.
SOME rich scenes occur in taking the Census under
the late law of the State of New York for that purpose.
The following, from an eye witness, is one:
" Is the head of the family at home?" asks the inquiring marshal.
" Here's the devil with his book again for the d'rectry," shouts a junior of the family to the maternal head
above stairs, who presently appears.  "Is it the heads
of the family ye want sure; but last week ye wanted
our name for ye d'rectry an' now ye want our heads?
A free country this, sure, when one's head is not safe.
Be off, and bad luck to ye and all like ye." After
some explanations, the questions in order are asked.
" Who is the head of the family?"
"Ann Phelim, yer honor, the same in ould Ireland
for ever."
"How many Males in this family?"
" Three males a day with prateys for dinner an"" But how many MIen and Boys?"
"' Och, why there's the ould man an' the boy and
three children who died five years ago, heaven rest
their dear souls, the swatest jewils that iver" —
" But how many are now living?"
"Meself, and me daughter Judy, ye see them, and
a jewil of a girl she is indeed."' But have you no males in your family?"
Sorra the one; the ould man works hard by the day,
80




TAKING THE CENSUS.             81
and Patrick is not at home at all, but to his males and
his bed."
" How many are subject to Military duty?"' Niver a one; Patrick and the ould man belong to
the Immits, and sure finer looking soldiers were niver
born: did ye not see him when the old Gineral was
buried?'twould have made your heart beat to see two
such fine lookin' gintale well-behaved boys."
"How many are entitled to vote?"
"Why the ould man and meself and Judy, and warn't
it we that bate the Natives an' the Whigs an' all, an'
elicted ould General Jackson over'im all.  Sorra the
day when he died and disappointed us all, for a fine
man he was."
"How many coloured persons in your family?"
"Nagers, did you name Nagers? Out man, an'
don't be insultin' me. Out wid ye, and niver ask for
me senses agin-don't ask about me senses-whither I
have nagers in the family? Yer out of yer senses, yerself, begone and don't bother me."




DICK HARLAN'S TENNESSEE FROLIC.
BY CC S    ~L),  OF TENNESSEE.
We wish we were at liberty to disclose the name and habitation
of the writer of the incident annexed, for then we are assured
his friends would insist upon his becoming a more regular correspondent of the " Spirit of the Times," in the columns of which
he made his debut.
You may talk of your bar hunts, Mister Porter, and
your deer hunts, and knottin tigers' tails thru the bungholes of barrels, an cock fitin, and all that, but if a regular
bilt frolick in the Nobs of "' Old Knox," don't beat'em
all blind for fun, then I'm no judge of fun, that's all! I
said fun, and&I say it agin, from  a kiss that cracks like
a wagin-whip up to afite that rouses up all out-doorsand as to laffin, why they invented laffin, and the last laff
will be hearn at a Nob dance about three in the morning!
I'm jest gettin so I can ride arter the motions I made at
one at Jo Spraggins's a few days ago.
I'll try and tell you who Jo Spraggins is. He's a
squire, a school comishoner, overlooker of a mile of Nob
road that leads towards Roody's still-house —a fiddler, a
judge of a hoss, and a boss himself! He can belt six
shillins worth of corn-juice at still-house rates and travel
-can out-shute and out-lie any feller from the Smoky
Mounting to Noxville, and, if they'll bar one feller in
Nox, I'll say to the old Kaintuck Line! (I'nm sorter feared
of him, for they say that he lied a jackass to death in two
82




DICK HARLAN S TENNESSEE FROLIC.        83
hours!)-can make more spinin-wheels, kiss more spipners, thrash more wheat an more men than any one-eyed
man I know on. He hates a circuit rider, a nigger, and
a shot gun-loves a woman, old sledge, and sin in eny
shape.  He lives in a log hous about ten yards squar 
it has two rooms, one at the bottom an one at the top of
the ladder-has all out ove doors fur a yard, and all the
South fur its occupants at times.  He gives a frolick onst
in three weeks in plowin time, and one every Saturdaynite the balance of the year, and only axes a "' fip" for
a reel, and two c bits" fur what corn-juice you suck;
he throws the galls in, and a bed too in the hay, if you
git too hot to locomote. The supper is made up by the
fellers; every one fetches sumthin; sum a lick of meal,
sum a middlin of bacon, sum a hen, sum a possum, sum
a punkin, sum a grab of taters, or a pocket full of peas,
or dried apples, an sum only fetches a good appetite and
a skin chock full of particular devilry, and if thars been
a shutin match for beef the day before, why a leg finds
its way to Jo's sure, without eny help from the balance
of the critter. He gives Jim Smith (the store-keeper
over Bay's Mounting) warnin to fetch a skane of silk fur
fiddle strings, and sum " Orleans" for sweetnin, or not
to fetch himself; the silk and sugar has never failed
to be thar yet. Jo then mounts Punkinslinger bar backed, about three hours afore. sun down, and gives all the
galls item.  He does this a lettle of the slickest-jist
fides past in a peart rack, singin,
"Oh, I meta frog, with a fiddle on his back,
A axin his way to the fro-l-i-c-k 1
Wha-a-he! wha he! wha he! wha ke he-ke-he!"
That's enuf!  The galls nows that aint a jackass, so




84       DICK HARLAN9S TENNSESEE FROLIC.
oy sun-down they come pourin out of the woods like
pissants out of an old log when tother end's afire, jest
"c as fine as silk" and full of fun, fixed out in all sorts
of fancy doins, from the broad-striped homespun to the
sunflower calico, with the thunder-and-lightnin ground.
As for silk, if one had a silk gown she'd be too smart to
wear it to Jo Spraggins's, fur if she did she'd go home
in hir petticote-tale sartin, for the homespun wud tare
it off of hir quicker nor winkin, and if the sunflowers
dident help the homnespuns, they woudn't do the silk eny
good, so you see that silk is never ratlin about your ears
at a Nob dance.
The sun had about sot afore I got the things fed an
had Barkmill saddled, (you'll larn directly why I call
my poney Barkmill,) but an owl couldent have cotch a
rat afore I was in site ofJo's with my gall, Jule Sawyers,
up behind me. She hugged me mity tite she was "1 so
feerd of fallin of that drated poney."  She said she
didn't mind a fall, but it mought break hir leg an then
good bye frolicks-she'd be fit fur nuthin but to nuss brats
ollers arterwards. I now hearn the fiddle ting,-tong-ding(lomb.  The yard was, full of fellers, and two tall finelookin galls was standin in the door, face to face, holdin
up the door posts with their backs, laffin, an castin sly
looks into the house, an now an then kickin each other
with their knees, an then the one kicked wud bow so
perlite, and quick at that, and then they'd laff agin an
turn red. Jo was a standin in the hous helpin the galls
to hold the facins up, an when they'd kick each other
he'd wink at the fellers in the yard an grin.  Jule, she
bounced off just like a bag of wool-rolls, and I hitched
my bark-machine up to a saplin that warn't skinned, so




DICK HARLAN S TENNEiSSEE FROLIC.       86
te'd git a craw-full of good fresh bark afore mornin.  I
giv Jule a kiss to sorter molify my natur an put her in
heart like, and in we walled.  " Hey! hurray!" said
the boys; "' My gracious!" said the galls, " if here aint
Dick an Jule!" jist like we hadent been rite thar only
last Saturday nite. " Well, I know we'll have reel now!'"
"' Hurraw!-Go it while you'r young!"  " Hurraw for
the brimstone kiln-every man praise his country!"
"Clar the ring'" "'J Iisses Spraggins, drive out these
dratted tow-headed  brats of your'n-give  room!"
"Who-oo-whoop! whar's the crock of bald-face, and
that gourd of honey? Jim Smith, hand over that spoon,
an quit a lickin it like " sank in a bean-pot." "' You, Jake
Snyder, don't holler so!" says the old'oman-" why you
are worse nor a painter."  " Holler! why I was jist
whispering to that gall on the bed-who-a-whoopee! now
I'm  beginning to holler! Did you hear that, Misses
Spraggins, and be darned to your bar legs? You'd
make a nice hemp-brake, you would."'" Come here,
Suse Thompson, and let me pin your dress behind?
Your back looks adzactly like a blaze on a white oak!"
"' My back ain't nuffin to you, Mister Smarty!"  "Bill
Jones, quit a smashin that ar cat's tail!"  "' Well let hir
keep hir tail clar of my ant killers!"  " Het Goins, stop
tumblin that bed an tie your sockc!"  "Thankee, marm,
its a longer stockin than you've got-look at it!"  "Jim
Clark has gone to the woods for fat pine, and Peggy
Willet is along to take a lite for him-they've been gone
a coon's age. Oh, here comes the lost' babes in the wood,'
and no lite!"  ", Whar's that lite t whar's that torch! I
say, Peggy, whar is that bundle of lite wood?"  "Why,
[ fell over a log an lost it, and we hunted clar to the
F




86       DICK HARLAN $ TENNESSEE FROLIC.
foot of the holler for it, and never found it.  It's no account, no how-nuthin but a little pine-who cares?"
"Hello, thar, gin us' Forked Deer," old fiddle-teazer,
or I'll give you forked litnin! d;r you a goin to tum-tum
all nite on that pot-gutted old pine box of a fiddle, say?"
"Give him a soak at the crock and a lick at the patent
bee-hive —it'll ile his elbows."  "Misses Spraggins,
you're a hoss! cook on, don't mind me-I dident aim
to slap you; it was Suze Winters I wanted to hit; but
you stooped so fair-"  "Yes, and it's well for your
good looks that you didn't hit to hurt me, old, feller!"'rurn over them rashes of bacon, they're a burnin!''" Mind your own business, Bob Proffit, I've cooked for
frolicks afore you shed your petticotes-so jist hush an
talk to Marth Giflin! See! she is beckonin to you!"
"That's a lie, marm! If he comes a near me I'll unjint
his dratted neck! No sech fool that when a gall pUts hir
arm round his neck will break and run, shall look, at me,
thats flat! Go an try Bet Holden!"  "Thankee, marm,
I don't take your leavins," says Bet, hir face lookin like
a full cross between a gridiron and a steel-trap.
" Whoop! burraw!- Gether your galls for a break
down! Give us'Forked Deer!"''"No, give us'Natchez-under-the-hill!' "  " Oh,  Shucks! give us'Rocky Mounting,' or' Misses McCloud!' I"'' Misses McCloud' be darned, and' Rocky Mounting'too!
jist give us
", She woudent, and she coudent, and she dident come at all!"
" Thar! that's it! Now make a brake! Tang! Thar
is a brake-a string's gone!" "9 Thar'll be a head broke
aforu long!")- " Giv him goss-no giv him a horn and
every time he stops repeat the dose, and nar another string




DICK HARLAN S TENNESSSEE FROLIC.        87'ill brake-to nite.  Tink-tong! all rite! Now go it!'"
and if I know what goin it is, we did go it.
About midnite, Misses Spraggins sung out " stop that
ar dancin and come and get your supper!" It was sot
in the yard on a table made of forks stuck in the ground
and plank of the stable loft, with sheets for table cloths.
We had danced, kissed, and drank ourselves into a perfeet thrashin-machine apetite, and the vittals hidthemselves in a way quite alarmin to tavern-keepers. Jo sung
out "' Nives is scase, so give what thar is to the galls an
let the balance use thar paws-they was invented afore
nives, eney how.  Now, Gents, jist walk into the fat of
this land. I'm sorter feerd the honey wont last till day
break, but the liquor will, I think, so you men when you
drink your'n, run an kiss the galls fur sweetnin-let them
have the honey —it belongs to them, naturaly!"-" Hurraw, my Jo! You know how to do things rite!"
" Well, I rayther think I do; I never was rong but onst
in my life an then I mistook a camp meetin for a political
speechifyin, so I rid up an axed the speaker'how much
Tarrif there was on rot-gut?' and he said'about here, there
appeared to be none!' That rayther sot me, as I was right
smartly smoked, myself, jist at that time.  I had enough
liquor plump in me to swim a skunk, so I come agin at
him.  I axed him'Who was the bigest fool the Bible
told of?' an he said' Noah for he'd get tite?' I thought,
mind, I only thought he might be a pokin his dead cat
at somebody what lives in this holler; I felt my bristles
a raisin my jacket-back up like a tent cloth, so I axed
him if he'd' ever seed the Elephant?' He said no,'but
he had seen a grocery walk, and he expected to see one
rot down from its totterin looks, purty soon!' Thinks I,




88       DICK HARLANrS TENNESSEE FROLIC.
Jo, you're beat at your own game; I sorter felt mean, so
I spurr'd and sot old Punkinslinger to cavortin like he
was skeered, an I wheeled and twisted out of that crowd,
an when I did git out of site the way I did sail was a caution to turtles and all the other slow varmints."
Well, we danced, and hurrawed without eny thing of
very perticular interest to happen, till about three o'clock,
when the darndest muss was kicked up you ever did see.
Jim Smith sot down on the bed alongside of Bet Holden
(the steel-trap gall,) and jist fell to huggin of hir bar fashion.  She tuck it very kind till she seed Sam Henry a
looking on from behind about a dozen galls, then she fell
to kickin an a hollerin, an a screetchin like all rath. Sam
he come up an told Jim to let Bet go! Jim told him to
go to a far off countrie whar they give away brimestone
and throw in the fire to burn it.  Sam hit him strate atween the eyes, an after a few licks the fitin started.  Oh
hush! It makes my mouth water now to think what a
beautiful row we had.  One feller from Cady's Cove,
nocked a hole in the bottom of a fryin-pan over Dan
Turner's head, and left it a hangin round his neck, the
handle flyin about like a long que, ane thar it hung till
Jabe Thurman cut it off with a cold chissel next day!
That was his share, fur that nite, sure. Another feller
got nocked into a meal-barrel: he was as mealy as an Irish
tater and as hot as boss-radish; when he bursted the hoops
and cum out he rared a few. Two fellers fit out of the
door, down the hill, and into the creek, and thar ended
it, in a quiet way, all alone. A perfect mule from Stock
Creek hit me a wipe with a pair of windin blades: he
made kindlin-wood of them, an I lit on him.  We had
it head-and-tails fur a very long time, all over the house,




DICK HARLAN S TENNESSEE FROLIC.          89
but the truth must come and shame my kin, he warped
me nice, so, jist to save his time I hollered!  The lickin
he give me made me sorter oneasy and hostile like; it
wakened my wolf wide awake, so I begin to look about
for a man I could lick and no mistake t  The little fiddler
come a scrougin past, holdin his fiddle up over his head
to keep it in tune, for the fitin was gettin tolerable brisk.
You're the one, thinks I, and I jist grabbed the doughtray and split it plumb open over his head! He rotted
down, right thar, and I paddled his'tother end with one
of the pieces!-while I was a molifyin my feelings in
that way his gall slip'd up behind me and fetcht'd me a
rake with the port-hooks.  Jule Sawyer was thar, and jist.
anexed to her rite off, and a mity nice fite it was. Jule
carried enuf har from  hir hed to make a sifter, and
striped and checked her face nice, like a partridge-net
hung on a white fence. She hollered fur hir fiddler, but
oh, shaw! he coudent do hir a bit of good; he was
too buisy a rubbin first his broken head and then his
blistered extremities, so when I thought Jule had given
her a plenty I pulled hir off and put hir in a good humour
by given hir about as many kisses as would cover a
barn door.
Well, I thought at last, if I had a drink I'd be about
done, so I started for the creek; and the first thing I saw
was more stars with my eyes shut than I ever did with
them open. I looked round, and it was the little fiddler's
big brother!  Ilenowed what it meant, so we locked horns
without a word, thar all alone, and I do think we fit an
hour.  At last some fellers hearn the jolts at the house,
and they cumr and dug uts out) for we had fit into a hole
whar a big pine stump had burnt out, and thar we was,




90       DICK HARLAN7S TENNESSEE FROLIC.
up to our girths a peggin away, face to face, and no
dodgin!
Well, it is now sixteen days since that fite, and last
nite Jule picked gravels out of my knees as big as squirell
shot.  Luck rayther run agin me that nite, fur I dident
lick eny body but the fiddler, and had three fites-but
Jule licked her gall, that's some comfort, and I suppose
a feller cant always win!  Arter my fite in the ground
we made friends all round, (except the fiddler —he's hot
yet,) and danced and liquored at the tail of every Reel
till sun up, when them that was sober enuff went home,
and them that was wounded staid whar they fell. I was
-in the list of wounded, but could have got away if my
bark-mill hadn't ground off'the saplin and gone home
without a parting word; so Dick and Jule had to ride
"' Shanks' mar," and a rite peart four-leged nag she is.
She was weak in two of hir legs, but'tother two-oh, Iny
stars and possum dogs! they make a man swaller tobacker jist to look at'em, and feel sorter like a June
bug was crawlin up his trowses and the waistband too
tite for it to git out.  I'm agoin to marry Jule, I swar I
am, and sich a cross! Think of a locomotive and a cotton gin! Who! whoopee!




"FALLING OFF A LOG," IN A GAME OF
"SEVEN-UP."
BY A VIRGINIAN IN MISSISSIPPI.
16 The Turkey Runner" is the signature of a gentleman who has
written some of the most graphic and amusing original stories
ever published in the "6 Spirit of the Times."  His "Swirp
for a Deer," "Chunkey's Fight with the Panthers," etc., are
among the best sporting sketches in the language. We Wish
he could be induced to write more frequently.' Hoss and hoss!"
"Yes;' hoss and hoss,' and my deal!"
"I'll double the bet, and have the whole bottle or
none."
s Let me cut, and I'll stand it."
"'Spose we both take a little drink first," said
Chunkey.
" No: darned if I do! thar aint enough for us both —
if I win I'll drink it, and you must wait till a boat
comes, if you die! If you win, I'll wait, if I die!"
Such was the conversation between Jim and Chunkey,
as they were sitting across a log on the banks of the
Yazoo River, surrounded by a cloud of musquitoes,
playing "seven-up" for a remaining bottle of whisky,
which was not enough for the two, and " wouldn't set
one forward" much.  They were just returning from'Bear Creek, in Township 17, Range 1, where they had
91




92            C FALLING OFF A LOG.)~
some hands deadening timber, preparatory to opening a
plantation in the Fall.  They had sent the negroes to
the river to take a steamboat, whilst they, with their
furniture, and the remains of a forty-two gallon "' redhead," came down Deer Creek in a day out into False
Lake, through False Lake into Wasp Lake, and down
that to where it empties into the Yazoo, and here on
the banks of that river our scene opens.
"Go ahead, then," said Chunkey, "shuffle, deal,
and win, if you can, but take out that Jack what's
torn!"
*   took the Jack out, shuffled, dealt, and at it we
went.  Chunkey looked mighty scared; his eye was
sorter oneasy, and dartin about, and he seemed to be
choked, as he kept tryin to swaller somethin-the long
beard on his face looked powerful black, or else his face
looked powerful white, one or the'yether. We both
played mighty slow and careful.  The first hand I made
" high, low," and Chunkey " game;" the second hand
I made "low, Jack," and Chunkey "' high, game."
" Four to three," says 1.
A" Yes, and my deal," said Chunkey.
He gin'em  the Sunflower " shuffle," and I the Big
Greasy "' cut,", and pushed'em back.  Chunkey dealt
enm mighty slow, and kept tryin to see my cards, but I
laid my hand on'em as fast as they fell on the log, to
prevent him from seein the marks.  He turned up the
Ace of Clubs.  When I looked at my hand, thar was
the King, Jack, Nine, and Deuce, —  led my King —
" High!" says I.
"Low!"9 said Chunkey, poppin down the Tray.
"Not edzactly," said I, hawlin in the trick, and




FALLING OFF A LOG.))             93
leadin the Deuce, and jist as I done so, I seed Chunkey
starin over my shoulder, lookin wilder nor a dyin bar.
I never seed a man look so awful in my life. I thought
he were gwine to have a fit.
4'Ya, ya'!" said he, "fallin off the log," cryin
c Snake! snake!!"
I never took time to look, but made a big he-spring
about twenty feet in the cane, the har on my head
standin stiff as bristles and ratlin like a raftsman's bones,
with the Sky Lake ager, and the bad feelins runnin
down to my toes.  I reckon you never seed a man so
afraid of snakes as I is, and I've been so all my life;
I'd rather fight the biggest bar in the swamp with his
own weapons, teeth and claws, takin it rough and tumble, dependin on my mind and knowledge of a bar's
character, than come in contact with a big rusty highland
moccasin or rattlesnake, and that's the reason I never
hunts in the summer time.  When I lived up on Deer
Creek, thar was a perfect cord of all sorts, and I used
to wear all summer the thickest kind of cow-hide boots,
reachin up to my hips, and I never went into the field,'ceptin on a mule, with a double-barreled guri at that.
This, Chunkey knowed; and whenever he seed one he
gin me warnin. Chunkey aint afraid of snakes; he'd
jist as soon eat of a gourd with a snake, as not, if tlhe
snake would help himself and not meddle with his
licker.
Well, arter lookin about a spell I couldn't see no
snake sign, and I then hollered to Chunkey, but darned
a word did he say.  It then flashed across my mind that
as Chunkey fell on the side of the log whar the licker
lay, he nmi/g!t sorter taste it, a< he were dry enough to




94            C FALLING OFF A LOG.'
be able to swaller a little at a time; so I struck a lick
back to the log and looked over, and thar he lay, jist
curled up like a coon in the sunshine, and the bottle fist
glued to his lips, and the licker runnin down his throat
like a storm! darn him, I hadden't no time to think -afore
I bounced at him!  I struck across his snout, and he
nailed my thumb in his jaws, and rostled up a handful
of dirt and throwed it in my eyes, and that sot me to
gwine, and I throwed the licks into him right and left,
and I made the fur fly, I tell you; but Chunkey stood
it like a man!  Darned the word did he say; he
wouldn't holler, he was perfectly game!
"No, that's a fact!  I didn't holler; I didn't have
time; while you were working away on that gum knot,
I were standin up agin a little dog-wood finishin the
licker!"
"How comes it that you never wrung in that part of
the story about the knot before?"''Cause, I'd done got the licker, and I was satisfied;
you thought you'd gin me some mighty big licks, and
you was satisfied; and it would have been mean in me
to crow over you then: you was out of licker, tobacco,
and had your fist all skinned and beat as soft as a bar's
foot! Oh no, Jim, I'm reasonable, Iis."
"Well, go along; if I don't set you to gnawin
somethin -harder than that knot afore long, then my
name aint nothin to me, and I don't car for nobody,
that's all.'
"All sot," says Chunkey, "let's licker.  You
wanted to know what'fallin off a log,' meant, and I
thought I'd show you; but, my honey, I'll jist let you
know if you'd a hit me any of them licks what you




CC FALLING OFF A LOG.)'             95
struck'right and left' into that knot, I'd a gin you a
touch of panter fistcuffs-a sort of cross of the scratch
on the bite-and a powerful strong game it is, in a close
fight. Come, gents, let's licker, and then I can beat
any man that wars har, for a mighty nice chunk of a
poney, at any game of short cardsOh, the wagoner was a mighty man, a mighty man was he:
He'd pop his whip, and stretch his chains, and holler' wo, gee"''




THE "WERRY FAST CRAB."
BY A MEMBER OF THE' DIGBY CLUB," BOSTrON.
Whether " Acorn" or c' The Old'Un"-the editor of the " Morn
ing Post," (who gave these lines " a first rate notice," by the
bye,) or " The Young'Un," was the writer of the following
epic-in the style of" Pickle Emmons"-this deponent saith
not; he simply commends them to those lovers of horse Miesh
who are in the habit of sporting their " bits of blood" oni the
road-a numerous class in which " the b'hoys" greatly predominate.
THEY may talk of their " Fashion,"
And "' Bonnets of Blue,"
Of " Blue Dick" and " Ripton,"
And " Confidence" too;
Their owners were lucky,
But I made a grab;
When I bought for a trifle
That " werry fast Crab."
II.
"' Chest foundered" and hairless,
And " sprung" though she be,
She's an eye-sore to others,
A good'un to mt.;
96




THE " WERRY FAST CRAB.o9
No market cart, clam cart,
Or sand cart, or cab,
Can show such a nag
As my " werry fast Crab."
III.
Braced back in my phaeton,
A "six" in my jaw,
I touches her up
On an elegant " raw-"
That I keeps for myselfWhen I gives it a " dab;"
Off flies, like a tortoise,
My " werry fast Crab."
IV.
Talk of ten miles an hour!
It causes a smile;
My " werry fast Crab"
Goes ten hours the mile;
With springs on her fore-knees,
As slick as a slab,
She stands in her splices,
My " werry fast Crab."
V.
She's a nice easy keeper,
I tell you the truth;
And this is the reason,
She's narry a tooth;
Of the ages of females,
One ought not to blab,




9\3         THE -" WERRY FAST CRAB. 9
So I shan't say no more
Of the age of my " Crab."
VI.
At the next Cambridge races
Look out for a " splore"You'll own you ne'er saw
Such a critter before:
I'll make at the purse
A most desperate grab,
If it cost a new'" maw"
On my C' werry fast Crab."




"FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER."
BY   STRAWS," [JOSEPH M. FIELD, ESQ.]
Another" tip-top thing" by the editor of the St. Louis " Reveille,'
whose sketches of domestic life are among the cleverest of the
many which he is in the habit of " throwing off at a heat."
My dear, if that ain't the convenientest book-that
French one, with the yaller cover-as ever was; and
only to cost twenty-five cents, too! There's Bill and
Sally does nothin' else but keep a-askin each other questions in it, and such a jabberin' all round the house, I
never did see! They can say a good deal more French
already than them stuck-up Wilkins' children opposite,
that's bin a payin' masters Heaven only knows how long
-and here comes the blessed darlin's now, and make'em go through it before they gets a bit of dinner, you'll
say so, too, you will."
The delighted mother goes on " a settin' of the table,"
the expectant father puts down his: hat,with the air of one
suddenly called upon to preside over an inquiry which
will necessarily call forth all his resources, and the hopefil "' Bill" having kicked the door open, is met by the
emulous "I Sally," book in hand.
"William, your mother says you're a good boy, and.'tend to your French. Sally, my dear, what's a kiss in
French.'6 A baiser) pa."
99




100        " FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.y'
"' A baiser!  Let me see — baiser, to kiss.' So it is.
Well, then, baiser your brother, and both come here
together."
" You, Bill, keep your fingers out of the pickles or I'll
baiser your back for you. Kiss your sister, and go on
as your pa tells you."
Bill drops the cucumber, minus one end, salutes his
sister in the neighbourhood of the ear, cracks a pecan nut
which he has taken from his pocket, and, with the nonchalance of a professor of languages, looks at the paternal
examiner as he would say, "1 I guess I know more than
yoru about it."
"That's right, William, always observe what your
mother says to you. What is your mother in French,
Willialn?"
" She's a mare."
" No, brother William-a mere. M-e-r-e, mere."
"Well, I know it's m-e-r-e; but isn't the e sounded
wide, like a?  There's the wide accents and tile sharp
ones, ain't there? A  great deal you know about it.
You'd better say your father ain't a pear."
" Eh?"
"Yes; I'm a man, you know.  A man, in French?"
" Oh, yes, I know; you're a hum."
C No he ain't, neither; he's a hommny. H-o-in hom,
nm-e me, hommy-ain't it? And a woman's afemmy, and
a lady a dammy, just the same! I'm always a tellin her
about the rules."
" Well, well, she's younger than you are, you know,
William.  What is sister in French, can you tell?"
" Yes-she's a sewer."
C" No, Bill, I ain't.  S-o-e-u-r, sour!"




F'RENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.,7         101
" Well, ain't the o a dipthorp? and don't you drop it,
say?.'
" No, Bill, the e is the dipthorp, and that makes it
sour. "'" Massy on the children, husband, if that ain't the
way they keep a disputin' from mornin' till night. There,
come along, you Bill and Sally; your father can ask
you all about the table things in French, you know.
Come, Hubby, sit down."
" D'ye hear your mother, my dear; come to the table.
Leave off your nuts, Billy; they make such a noise.:'
" Noise is brute, and nuts is knoyx, and table is tabble," screams the erudite Bill, as he draws up his chair
and spoils the other end of the cucumber.
"C Now, then, my dears, in the first place, takey voo
some pain, and fill your glasses with awe, and your mother will help you to hack. Pain is bread, my love, and
awe is water, amd hack is hash. You see, wify, I know
something about it myself.  Ha, Ia!"' Well, what the world's coming to, I d(on't know!
What with Morse's paragraph and steam chickens and
learnin' one's self, I don't belong to this creation —I
don't!"
N' Now, William, what's that in your hand-not the
pickle, the knife?"
It's a cut-o."
" So it is, Billy,'cause the dipthorp is all sounded
together at the end; and daddy was wrong about the
water. "-(aside.)
" Oh, he don't know nothing'. "-(aside, also.)
r' The dipthorp, you know, Billy, is only separate
when it's got a diarhear on top."-(aside.)




102       " FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.9
"c Well, I know that; shut up."
"' Now, husband, just let me ask'em a little. Sally,
what's this I'm eating now?"
cc Jaw-bane and choals, ma."'
"Ba-a-ur! no it aint. She only spells —she can't
pronounce.  You're a eating shan-butng and shoe!
Don't know what ham and cabbage is! Ba-a-ur!"
"' Sally, my love, spelling's a great deal; but you
must mind the pronunciation.  Words don't sound at
all as they look, as William shows you."
" Yes; she went and said, yesterday, that the tablecloth was a toil when it's towell, and began a crying'cause I said a glass wasn't a very-Halloo! Shovel
run away-shovel run away! Oh, look there, daddy —
there's the hommy off and he's smashed his taty'gainst
the pavy! The roo is full of puples —only lookAnd rushing out of the house, dragging after him the
table-cloth or towell, as he called it, the student of
French "'without a master" disappeared; while his
anxious parents, running to the window, beheld a horse
with his head against a curb-stone, a gathering crowd,
and the hopeful Billy busiest of all!




A ROLLICKING DRAGOON OFFICER.
BY " THE MAN IN THE SWAMP."
The "Spirit of the Times" has a rare correspondent in Mississippi, who signs himself the Editor's 6"Friend in the
Swamp."  He is an extraordinary genius, and has some
friends who are no less "characters" in their way.  Of
one of them-an officer in the U. S. Dragoons-he relates the
following:IN the summer of 1834, the Dragoons went to the
Pawnee Villages. In the fall, three companies under
the command of Col. Kearney, came to the Des Moines
Rapids, on the Mississippi, and wintered there in some
log huts. There was a Captain B., a very tall man,
six feet seven inches, (just three inches over me, and
I think I am " some,") with very large black whiskers,
a fine looking man-I wonder what has become of
him?  I heard that he bad resigned, and settled somewhere in Iowa; he must be in Congress before this
time.  The captain used to boast that he could pack a
gallon without its setting him  back any.  Sometime
during the winter of'34 or'35, Col. Kearney ordered
Capt. B. to repair to Rushville, Illinois, distant some
sixty miles, on recruiting  service.   The river was
closed with ice, but had the appearance of breaking up
every day. There was no ferry for conveying horses
103




104      A ROLLICKING DRAGOON OFFICER.
at Des Moines, but there was one ten miles above,
cwhere a man by the name of Knapp kept a small store
for the sale of dry goods and whisky. The captain
repaired to Knapp's, and waited two or three days
for the river either to freeze harder or break up; on
the third morning there was no change in the riverthe captain commenced early, and by nine o'clock
was packing about a gallon. He ordered his horse,
put his pistols in the holsters, buckled on his sword,
mounted his horse, (which was a very fine one, and
devilish fast for a mile,) braced himself in the stirrups,
turned his horses- head for the river, and took a long
look at it. Without saying a word to anybody, he
gave his horse the spurs, dashed down the bank, on
the ice, and crossed the river at a "quarter lick"
speed. Knapp stood thunderstruck looking after him
-he said he expected to see B. and the horse disappear at.every jump, but they arrived safe at the other
b ank.
"6 Good Lord!" said Knapp, "'I could have taken a
pole and punched holes in the ice anywhere!"
"' Did he look back" —I inquired-" when he reached
the other side?"
" No,"' said Knapp, "he went up the opposite bank
at the same lick, and disappeared!"
The captain arrived safe at Rushville, where he
remained for several weeks, and returned without a
man. He told me of some of his adventures at Rushville. He went into his favourite grocery or drinkinghouse, one very cold morning, and found a crowd
sitting round the fire; so close were they wedged in
that there was no room for another chair, if there had




A ROLLICKING DRAGOON OFFICER.      105
been one in the room. No one moved-no one offered
the captain a seat.  The fact is, the captain had a
way of making himself unpopular with such crowds:
he had an unpleasant way of using his fists when he
got about a gallon on board. An old lady who lived
near Des Moines, requested me to look at her husband;
he was in bed, where he had been for three weeks;
he was a justice of the peace, and the captain called
him Chief Justice T. He said he and the captain were
drinking together, and after they had become very
sociable, he called him B. without the captain, and the
next moment he was knocked into the middle of the
next three weeks!
The captain had been pursuing something of the
same practice at Rushville, consequently no one offered
him a seat.
The captain had been a great deal about this
grocery, and knew what was in every barrel, box, and
keg in it. He' took a good look at the crowd, and
finding he was not to have a seat, he walked behind the
counter, and picked up a keg marked " Dupont."'
He walked to the fire and threw it in, remarking" Eternally   -   my soul,"  [his favourite oath,]
" gentlemen, if I don't think we have lived long
enough!"
c" Did they run?" I inquired.
" Run!" said he-" I never saw' ground and lofty
tumbling' before!  They just threw themselves over
backwards, and all left the house on their all-fours,
some back end first, and they went in that way clear
across the street!"
Hearing no explosion, they after a while ventured




106      A ROLLICKING DRAGOON OFFICER.
back, and peeped in; there sat B., with a glass of
something enjoying himself, the keg standing in one
corner by him-(the keg contained madder instead of
powder.) Long as the captain remained in Rushville,
he had the grocery all to himself.
I wonder what has become of him? If he has not
fatigued himself to death, packing a gallon at a time,
he's in Congress sure.




THE GEORGIA MAJOR IN COURT.
BY A TENNESSEE EDITOR.
We are indebted to the Pulaski " Courier" for the incident subjoined in relation to that rival of " Billy Patterson," the celebrated " Georgia Major," whose exploits during the last five years
have quite thrown in the shade the " deeds of high emprise"
for which the far-famed 6 Col. Pluck" was so renowned.
His honour, the mayor, was in the discharge of his
official functions on last Saturday evening-the business
before him consisting of two several charges of assault
and batteryr; to both of which our friend, the ubiquitous'" Georgia major," was the respondent.
" Do you plead guilty to the charge of assaulting the
Rev. Mr. Williams?" asked the mayor of the defendant.
".I do; that is to say-"'
" Then I fine you ten dollars," said the mayor.'That is to say," continued the major, "'I plead
guilty; but if there's any way to get off from the fine, I
should like very much to do it."
" Doubtless," observed his honour.
"I will make a statement —or, as you may say, a
defence-um- a-a-few remarks."
The court nodded permission.
" You see, Williams came up to me, and spoke something to me, and, said I, You d-d rascal, pvll off your
hat when you speak to me:" said the major, throwing
107




108       THE GEORGIA MAJOR IN COURT.
himself into a military attitude.  "That's enoughten dollars and costs," said his honour.  The major
bowed gracefully.
Proceeding now to the second charge, his honour
asked the defendant if he would plead guilty again.
Not he! He would make a statement though, in relation, or in respect to, or regarding, the manner of the
second fight.
" I was in the person's store who fought me, searching for one of the silver eyes which had dropped out of
my walking cane in the previous fight, when that person
ordered me out.  Sir, said I, you must talk softlydem'd softly when you address me, sir. Upon this, that
person struck me with a skillet, sir-an iron skillet, sir
-in the face."   Here the major pointed to his'face,
the nasal feature of which bore some purplish streaks
that beautifully varied its usual rich ruby.  "And then,
sir, I fell-staggered and fell, as I returned the blow
with my cane. Immediately a crowd jumped upon me,
and beat me'til they were pulled off-they didn't whip
Ine, though; that ca-n't be done!"  Here he stopped
and looked round-(by the by we thought we heard
the major " holler.")
A witness being called and examined, corroborated
the major's statement, except as to the crowd's having
jumped upon him. No one interfered with the combatants. The witness stated, in addition, that the major
had contrived to hide his head under the side of a hogshead, so as to protect it very effectually.
The major cross-examined.
"You say nobody touched mhe but that man?" pointing to his antagonist.




THE GEORGIA MAJOR IN COURT.        109
" Nobody."
" Wasn't the crowd all against me?" again asked the
hero.
" The crowd thought you deserved a whipping, for
striking an inoffensive man-a minister of the gospel,"
replied the witness very quietly.
" Didn't they all tell that man to whip me well?"
" Yes."
"And didn't he-that is-"
"Didn't he do it, you mean to ask? Yes he did,
nicely."
The major now " pulled up." He had been deceived;
his imagination had led him into error; completely
carried him off; had transformed an individual not over
the weight of a hundred and fifty pounds, into a large
crowd; or at least had furnished him with Briarean facilities for a " rough and tumble scrummage."
" Well, well," said the mayor, " as I have already
fined you ten dollars, and as it seems in. this case you
got a pretty good whipping, I reckon I must discharge
you as to this."
" Whipping?" ejaculated the major, becoming positively tragic in his air; " whipping! is that a part of
your sentence-that I got whipped?  Sir, I'd rather be
fined five hundred dollars than have that entered on the
record; it wasn't done! I, sir, have never been whipped —.Angels couldn't whip me!'"   And the major
loomed majestically about the room.
" If it ain't been done, it kin be done," said somebody
in the crowd-whereupon our friend collapsed into his
original dimensions, -in the folding of a peacock's tail;
and wiping the perspiration fromn his brow, quietly retired 




UNCLE BILLY BROWN-" GLORIOUS!"
BY C RAMBLER,  OF THE N. O. C PICAYUNE.))
Whether "Rambler" is the veritable "' Ex Santa Fd Prisoner"
himself, or the senior of the editorial brotherhood who stand
sponsors for the New Orleans " Picayune"-a sort of " child
of thirty-six fathers"-we cannot undertake to decide; but
the story of " Uncle Billy Brown" is " glorious," and worthy
of either of them.  Both Lumsden and Kendall have left
their editorial sanctum for "the halls of the Montezumas,"
where each, we are glad to learn, has greatly distinguished
himself.
"Oh, what has caused this great commotion!"
Political Song of'40.
TAKE a large stick-a fence-rail for instance-and
rake it violently down a Venetian window-blind, or the
side of a weather-boarded house, and you are very apt
to make some noise, especially of a still evening.
A  correspondent of ours, "Rambler," as he signs
himself, says that he had just risen from the supper
table of the tavern in the little village of G, in the
interior of Mississippi, one hot evening last summer,
and was passing out to the front gallery to rest himself
after a long day's ride, when suddenly he heard a
tremendous racket as of some one raking a fence-rail
110




UNCLE BILLY BROWN.              I1
down the side of a weather-boarded house, each rake
followed by a shout of "glorious! glorious!" from a
pair of lungs of ten trombone power.  Something extra
was " going on," that was certain, and tired as he was,
our friend at once hobbled off towards the point whence
the unwonted sounds proceeded.
He soon arrived at a door over which a light hung,
and round which a score of little and big "niggers"
were assembled.  "1 What's the fun here?" was a
question answered by an individual standing in the
door, who said it was " a theatre."  While paying for
his ticket, another rake from the interior, and another
" glorious!' came upon our friend's ear, accompanied this
time by a loud shout as of a large political multitude assembled. He was soonkinside the room, a large and long
one, two-thirds of which was occupied by the audience
and the remainder by the stage, leaving a small space
between. It was crowded too-the benches and chairs
all full —while upon the floor was seated, his arms
locked around his knees and his chin nestled closely on
his wrists, Uncle Billy Brown, two-thirds inebriated and
the other third fast asleep.
On one side of the room, and near the row of candles
which served for foot-lights, sat "c the band," consisting
of a large black fellow and no more, in a very high chair,
a violin in his hands and a brass drum between his legs.
After repeated calls for'"music," he finally struck up
"Hey, Jim along," playing his fiddle in the ordinary way,
and with the true corn-field abandon, and at the salme
time beating a rumbling accompaniment with his knees
upon the drum. This over, the bell-borrowed from the
tavern after it rung the boarders in to supper-now gave




112           UNCLE BILLY BROWN.
signal for the curtain to rise.' Pizarro, or the Death of
Rolla," got up by a Thespian corps of the town, was to
be the first performance. The Peruvian appeared, and
the applause was so violent that the young amateur who
personated the character bowed. The applause continued, and he bowed lower. Another round, and he
bowed so low that his tights gave way. A perfect earthquake of applause followed close upon the heel of this
disaster, accompanied by a rake from the man with the
fence-rail-it was a man with a sure-enough fence-railand Rolla backed out and hauled off to repair damages
while the curtain was falling.
The affair so tickled the individual with the fencerail that nothing could stop him. He raked the sides
of the house, and then shouted s' glorious!" and kept it
up till his friends gathered round and begged him to
desist. But his steam was up, and the only way he
could keep from bursting was to rail and shout with all
his might. A compromise was finally made with him,
he agreeing if they would allow him to " make a short
exhort" at the door, and "' sing a hymn," he would not
use his rail again unless something extra turned up.
Silence having been restored, the play was progressing towards a termination, when another interruption
occurred.  In one of the most affecting scenes, and
while the audience sat motionless, speechless, and
apparently breathless, a very large gentleman from the
country rose in his seat, leaned himself forward, and
fixed his gaze intently on one of the performers. Suddenly he threw out his arms, exclaiming " Good God!
aint that McDonald?"  Away the audience went in
Derfect convulsions of laughter, down came the fence



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UNCLE SILLY BROWN.            113
rail against the blinds with a rake that made all rattle
again, and high above the din arose the shout of
"glorious'! The fat man from the country heeded
not the noise and commotion around him, but kept his
eye fixed on the half-stupified performer.  "Down in
front!" came from those on the back seats, but the fat
man heard not the summons.  He raised his open hand
over his eyes to obtain a closer sight, and bent himself
still farther forward.  "Why, no it aint," ejaculated
he, half in doubt —" why, yes it is" —and then straightening himself, and slapping his right hand violently in
his open left, he finished with ( D —n me if it isn't
McDonald sure enough."  If there had been a din
before, there was a perfect earthquake of noise now.
The old fence-rail came down on the weather-boarding
with a rake that started the nails, the shout of "glorious!" appeared louder from its very hoarseness, every
pair of feet was stamping-every pair of hands was
clapping, every throat was open and yelling, while outside the theatre the horses tied to the fences broke their
bridles, and were stampeding and cavorting about amid
shouts of' "Stop him!" "c Whoa!" s" Hold my critter,
there!" and similar ejaculations.  Never had there been
such an uproar in the little village of G-.
Order was finally restored, but only until sheer exhaustion left the audience unable to make further noisy
demonstrations; and now the part enacted by the fat
gentleman from the country was explained, it seemed
that the Thespian's name who had attracted his attention was really McDonald. Some four months previous
he had been reported dead to the fat gentleman, and as
the report had never been contradicted, his bewilder



114           UNCLE BILLY BROWN3
ment at seeing his quondam acquaintance, for he had
finally made him out through all his paint, feathers, and
stage trappings, led him to depart a shade from the
ordinary etiquette established among theatrical audiences. He sat down, and once more the play commenced. All was hushed-a perfect quiet reignedwhen suddenly it struck the fat man that he had made
himself supremely ridiculous by the part he had played
a few moments before. No sooner had this fancy fairly
taken foothold in his mind than, ini the very midst of
a silence which would have become a graveyard at
midnight, he laid himself back in his seat, raised both
his hands above his head, and broke out with a " Ha!
ha! ha!" that might have been heard a mile. Again
the audience was thrown into convulsions, again the
fence-rail caine rattling down the sides of.the house,
again the shout of "glorious!" rose above the din, and
as if this was not enough, the actors forgot Sheridan's
poetry and fairly screamed in chorus-the moody and
relentless Pizarro even taking a part, and laughing until
the perspiration wore furrows through the red and black
ferocity which rouge and burnt cork had given his
countenance. It was not until exhaustion had once
more got the mastery that order was restored, and the
performance now went on with little interruption until
" Pizarro"' ended with tile "C Death of Rolla."
All this while, notwithstanding the din, Uncle Billy
Brown had continued to snooze upon the floor; nor did
the bustle attendant upon the fall of the curtain serve
to raise him. The afterpiece of the " Mock Doctor"
commenced, yet Uncle Billy was perfictly unconscious
of what was going on around him.  He was well




UNCLE BILLY BRnOWN.           115
known as the captain of a "land packet'"-in plain
terms, the driver of an ox-team which plied between
G — and the river towns -and but that he occasionally muttered "Gee," " Whoa,"' and the like,
as in his dreams he imagined himself along with his
team, no sounds escaped him. As the farce advanced,
he gave a species of groan-a forerunner of returning
consciousness-yet still he did not raise his head. The
sham doctor was now proceeding to administer one of
his nostrums to a patient, but the latter being backward
he endeavoured to persuade him. Uncle Billy groaned
again, and partially raised his head. The doctor continued his endeavours to force his drugs down his
patient's throat: Uncle Billy gave still another groan,
and opened his eyes. He had half-recognised the voice
of the doctor, who was an old enemy of his, and entirely forgetting where he was, and imagining the Thespian endeavouring to force the vile mixture down his
throat, he broke out with, "1 No you-don't! To
with your pills; take'em yourself, d-n you, I don't
like you, no how!"
Here was fresh and most abundant cause of uproar,
and a new episode in the performance was introduced.
The manager came forward and ordered that Uncle
Billy be turned out —Uncle Billy drew a bowie and intimated a desire to see the chap willing to undertake the
job. An assistant about the theatre grappled him, and
they were soon upon the floor engaged in a regular
rough-and-tumble fight. Two-thirds of the foot-lights
were at once kicked over, while shouts of " Fair play,"
" Turn'em out," " Give hlnm goss,' " No gouging,'
were heard on all sides. The ladies scrambled and




116            UNCLE BILLY BROWN.
scampered out, the actors mingled with the audience,
the fat gentleman laughed louder than ever, Uncle Billy
tusseled and swore, but high above the laughing, cursing,
and swearing, arose the efforts of the rail-man. He
had started off the boards on one side of the room, but
having found a fresh spot he was raking away with
all his might to the accompaniment of "glorious!
Pvlorious!"
Thu, ended a theatrical performance in Mississippi.
Our correspondent says that he dug his way out of the
house and made the best speed he could to the tavern
and to bed; but the scenes of the evening haunted him
in his dreams, and several times he awoke with his
hands clasped to his ears to shut out the dreadful
raking of the c" glorious" fellow with the fence-rail.




OLD TUTTLE'S LAST QUARTER RACE.
BY CC BUCKEYES OF OHIO.
The story annexed is the first attempt at authorship of a new
Ohio correspondent of the " Spirit of the Times." He will
be heard of again. We should premise that the circumstances
described actually occurred in June last.
A FEW weeks since, Sol. Lauflin matched his bay
four year old colt by Bacchus vs. Hugh's bay mare by
Bacchus, also four years old, to run a quarter, in the lane
near this place, for a C speck. As the colt was known
to be a sharp one, and his owner c" one of the b'hoys"
for a quarter race, and that he also had the assistance of' Old Tuttle," (who will figure presently,) he had the
call in the betting at six to four, until the day before the
race, when the mare made her appearance, looking every
inch a Bacchus, and fine as a star; and the owners of
the old horse making a demonstration in her favour, the
odds fell off, and numerous small sums were laid out at
evens, up to the time of the race.
On the mounting of the riders, it appeared that the
colt had the advantage in training or management, as
the mare was very restive, and finally broke from her
starter, and run like a scared dog, going quite through
before her rider could take her up.  Here the friends of
the colt again rallied, and some money was laid out at
five to four, p. p., but when it was known that the mare
was not hurt and would start again, the odds fell off, and
even was again the order of the day.
H                               117




118     OLD TUTTLE S LAST QUARTER RACE.
The mare was soon at her post again, and this time
they -got off, the mare a little in the van, which she
maintains throughout, and is declared a winner by five
feet! Well, there! if you ever heard a small crowd
shout, you know what was done then-and if knowing
ones were ever struck speechless, them's they!
Prior to the main race, or, as the play-bills have it,
"previous to which," was acted the farce of " Dog eat
Dog," or " The boys" vs. " Old Tuttle."  In order to
get the cream of this, you must know Old Tuttle-and
as I am utterly unable to do him justice in a description,
I'll squat, and let Hooker do it.
Look at the picture of " Simon Suggs," and you'll
see Old T. physically; in the trial scene you find him
intelieetually, and in the camp-meeting scene, morally.
Were it not that Old T. never "samples" too rmuch
when on business, and fights the "a hoss b'hoys" instead
of the "Tiger," I should say they were one and the
same person. As a matter of course, a quarter race
never goes off without his being thitr-and he never
attends without doing some business!  So on Thursday
he makes his appearance on the track, on a bay gelding,
(with white hind feet,) which he calls' Indian Dick,"
and "allows he's as good a scrub as there'll be on the
ground!"   As Old T. is known, and Dick has been
heard of, the boys are rather shy-but one of them
thinks he's got a scrub that's "some pumpkins!" and
would like to know, without too much cost, how fair
Dick can beat him; he therefore proposes to run them
three hundred yards, for "sucks all round."' Old T.
understands the game, and says,'' No, I don't want yer
to treat this crowd, but I'll run with yer, just to show you




OLD TUTTLEI7S LAST QUARTER RACE.    119
yer hoss can't run!"  This was what H. wanted, as he
thought he could tell the speed of a horse, even though Old
T. did ride him; so back they go to the score, and are off
-with (as might be expected) H. ahead, and Old T. in
the rear, whipping and spurring like mad, and letting
his horse go just fast enough to put H.'s at about the top
of his speed-but he can't quite come it-" H.'s horse
is too smart, and can beat him every inch of the road."
So says H., and most of the crowd are of the same
opinion.
Old T. says he believes he can beat H. Saturday, as
"' Dick's shoes are loose, and heavy, and he can't run
in'em.'
There was nothing more said about it till old Tut.
made his appearance next morning, when the boys were
all after him with "' sharp sticks" and " hot bricks" —
one wanted to bet him a horse on H.'s colt vs. his Indian Dick-another a V., another an X., and so on.," Hold yer bosses, b'hoys! Don't all be after the
old man at wunst.  Wait a while and he'll commerdate
yer!  He's an old man, and b'lieves he knows mor'n
all on yer;-but he don't want all your money at wunst.
He wants to be onabel with yer, so he can cum agin."
This of course didn't set them back any, as they
thought the old man was scary, and they were after him
the faster. Some of the more wary cautioned them to
look out, but they didn't want no caution-they knew
what they was about! They could beat Old Tuttle! and
they were going to " do the State some service" by
skinning him. They'd make the " old cuss" poor afore.
they left him!
He took it all very coolly, advised some of them to




120     OLD TUTTLE S LAST QUARTER RACE.
save their money for next time. He was an old man,
and b'lieved he knew more'n all on'em. His father
didn't wor kfor nothin' sixty-five years ago! But the boys
said that was all gas, to scare them off; but'twouldin't
work! The old cuss had got to be skinned or back
out.
The result was, they got up a horse and fifty dollars
in money a side, to run on Saturday at two o'clock,
each one to start and ride his own horse, judge tops
and bottoms-the winning horse take the cakes-and
no back out! Either party refusing to run forfeits the
whole stakes.
Things went on smooth that day-some thinking Old
T. was playing some game on the boys, but what the
d —1 it was, no one could tell. However, before night
it was known there was a secret among the boys. They
knew the speed of Dick, and knew they could slay him;
but there mustn't any thing be said about it, as when
they got the old man on the track and right, they were
going into him the whole amount of his fixings. They'd
caught the old man napping once. They'd got a —sight faster horse than he thought for-and now they
were going to pay off old scores.
Two o'clock came, and found Old T. on the spot,
leading Dick round, and telling the boys they'd be surprised when they see Dick run his best-at the same time
" doing what business offered —but somehow the boys
appeared a little scary. Old T. was "' on hand" for
every offer, and no mistake, and'twas known he never
bet liberally, unless he " had a sure thing," so that the
betting soon began to lag, and the old man had the call,
but no takers. Finally the old man said, " I've got a




OLD TUTTLE'S LAST QUARTER RACE.    121
little more money, b'hoys, and I wouldn't mind giving
you a chance at two to one for it." But this set them clar
backs-no one dare bite.  There not appearing any more
chance for investment, the old man stripped off his hat,
coat, vest and boots, tied a red cotton bandanna around
his head, (as an old man only can tie it,) then pulls off
the clothes and saddle from Dick, and mounts, bare
back, declaring himself ready.
H. mounted, and the word was given to " clear the
track!" Then Old T. says, " Are yer ready?" " Yes."
" Go long, then!" And ovrer the score they go, H. a
length ahead. But, oh! Jeminy! see Dick run! Before
you could turn round twice, the ends of Old T.'s bandanna were pointing out the road for H., and at the outcome Dick was one, H. nowhere!
Anybody that has seen a " quarter-horse" run by a
"s dunghill" knows how this was-no one else can appreciate it.  The thing was out.  Old T. really knew
more than all of them, sure enough-but what was the
secret, and how in    could those in the secret be so
stuck?  That's the idea.
The secret was, "THE BOYS" STOLE OLD TUTTLE')S
HORSE on Thursday night, and run him with H.'s horse,
and beat him easy!  And the way they were stuck was
this: the old man, supposing they would steal his horse
that night, and run him, had put Dick's clothes on a.nother horse of the same colour and marks, and about the
same size, and put him in Dick's stall, starting a shoe,
so that if they run him they would lose it, and he should
know they had taken the bait good. In the morning the
shoe was gone!




BILL DEAN, THE TEXAN RANGER.
BY GEO. W. KENDALL' ESQ. OF THE, N. O. PICAYUNE.
In a late letter from the "seat of war" in Mexico, Kendall furnishes some capital sketches of the jokers in the army, from
which we quote the following:RARE wags maybe found among the Texas Volunteers,
yet the funniest fellow of all is a happy-go-lucky chap
named Bill Dean, one of Chevallier's spy company, and
said to be one of the best " seven-up'" players in all Texas.
While at Corpus Christi, a lot of us were sitting out on
the stoop of the Kinney House, early one morning, when
along came Bill Dean. He did not know a single soul
in the crowd, although he knew we were all bound for
the Rio Grande; yet the fact that the regular formalities
of an introduction had not been gone through with, did
not prevent his stopping short in his walk and accosting
us. His speech, or harangue, or whatever it may be
termed, will lose much in the telling, yet I will endeavour
to put it upon paper in as good shape as possible.'Oh, yes," said he, with a knowing leer of the eye:
" oh, yes; all going down among the robbers on the Rio
Grande, are you? Fine times you'll have, over the
left.  I've been there myself, and done what a great
many of you won't do —I come back: but if I did'nt
see nateral h —ll, —in August at that,-I am a teapot.
Lived eight days on one poor hawk and three black122




BILL DEAN) TIlE TEXAN RANGER.         123
berries —couldn't kill a'prairie rat on the whole route to
save us from starvation.  The ninth day come, and we
struck a small streak of good luck-a horse give out and
broke down, plumb out in the centre of an open prairie
-not a stick big enough to tickle a rattlesnake with,
let alone killing him. Just had time to save the critter
by shootin' him, and that was all, for in three minutes
longer he'd have died a nateral death.  It didn't take
us long to butcher him, nor to cut off some chunks of
meat and stick'em  on our ramrods; but the cookin'
was another matter. I piled up a heap of prairie grass,
for it was high and dry, and sot it on fire; but it flashed
up like powder, and went out as quick. But-"
"But," put in one of his hearers,  but how did you
cook your horse-meat after that?"
" How?"
"Yes, how?"
"' Why, the fire caught the high grass close by, and
the wind carried the flames streakin' across the prairie.
I followed up the fire, holding my chunk of meat directly
over the blaze, and the way we went it was a caution
to any thing short of locomotive doin's. Once in a while
a little flurry of wind would come along, and the fire
would get a few yards the start; but I'd brush upon
her, lap her with my chunk, and then we'd have it
again, nip and chuck. You never seed such a tight
race-it was beautiful."
"Very, we've no doubt," ejaculated one of the
listeners, ihterrupting the mad wag just in season to
give -him a little breath: "' but did you cook your meat
in the end?"
"Not bad I dlid'nt.  I c1;:Sed that d   d  fire a




124      BILL DEAN) THE TEXAN RANGER.
mile and a half, the almightiest hardest race you ever
heer'd tell on, and never give it up until I run her right
plump into a wet marsh: there the fire and chunk of
horse-meat came out even-a dead heat, especially the
meat."
"' But wasn't it cooked?" put in another one of the
listeihers.
" Cooked!-no!-just crusted over a little. You
don't cook broken-down horse-flesh very easy, no how;
but when it comes to chasing up a prairie fire with a
chunk of it, I don't know which is the toughest, the
meat or the job.  You'd have laughed to split yourself
to have seen me in that race-to see the fire leave me
at times and then to see me brushin' up on her agin,
humpin' and movin' myself as though I was runnin
agin' some of those big ten mile an hour Gildersleeves
in the old States. But I'm a goin over to Jack Haynes's
to get a cocktail and some breakfast-I'll see you all
down among the robbers on the Rio Grande."




THE STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN WHO WAS
AVERSE TO RACING.
BY " THE YOUNG IUN,  OF PHILADELPHIA.
One of the most popular correspondents of the "' Spirit of the
Times" is "The Young'Un"-the nomme de plume of a
young gentleman who has lately become a resident of Philadelphia. We are not at liberty to disclose his name, but he
may be seen in Chestnut street any fine day.
EARLY in the spring of' the present year, a magnificent new steamer was launched upon the Ohio river,
and shortly afterward made her appearance at the Levee,
opposite the flourishing city of Cincinnati.  Gilt-edged
covers, enveloping the captain's "respects,'  accompanied with invitations to " see her through," upon her
first trip down the river, were forwarded to the editorial
corps in that vicinity; the chalked hats were c" numerous" on the occasion.  It was a grand affair, this debut
of a floating palace, which has since maintained her
repute untarnished as the " crack boat," par excellence,
upon the Western waters.  Your humble servant was
among the "invited guests"-and a nice time he had
of it!
I found myself on board this beautiful craft in " close
communion" with a score of unquestionable " beauties."
The company proved to be a heterogeneous conglomeration of character —made up of editors, lawyers, auc125




126 THE CAPtAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING.
tioneers, indescribables, and " fancies"-with a sprinkling of" none-such's."  There was a stray parson, too,
in the crowd-but as his leisure time " between meals"
was spent in trading horses, we dispensed with his
" grace before meals."
We left our moorings an hour before sunset, upon a
clear cold afternoon, and passed rapidly down stream
for a considerable distance, without experiencing any
out-of-the-way occurrence. The c" sons of temperance,"
and the parson aforesaid, amused themselves over a
smoking whisky toddy-the " boys" were relieving
each other of their superfluous dimes and quarters at
euchre, when a tall gentleman, who was " some," (when
he was sober,) stepped suddenly into the cabin, and
imparted the information that a well-known " fast boat"
had just hove in sight, at the mouth of the Kentucky
river.  The cards were "dropt" instanter-the punches
disappeared —and the "mourners" were soon distributed in knots upon the promenade deck, to watch the
progress of events.
Our "'bully" boat sped away like a bird, however,
and the craft behind gave us early evidence that she
should offer no child's play.  The "fat was in the
fire" at once —a huge column of black smoke curled
up in the clear atmosphere-an. extra turn or two was
visible upon our own boat, and away we went! A
good deal of excitement existed among the party, as
the rival steamer was clearly gaining upon us. A craft
like ours, with such a company, and such a captain,
musn't be beaten.
As the boat behind us fell in under our stern, and we
could "count her passengers," a sort of impression




THE CAPTAIN WHO WAAS AVERSE TO RACING. 127
came over us, that, by some mistake, we bad got upon
the wrong boat!  At least, such was the expressed
opinion of the parson, as he threatened to " go down
stairs" and take another drink.  Our captain was a
noble fellow-he paced'the deck quietly, with a constant eye to wind'ard; but he said nothing. A bevy
of the mourners stepped up to him, with" What speed, cap'n?"' Fair, gentlemen; I may say very fair."' Smart craft, that, behind," ventured one.
"Very," responded the captain, calmly, as he placed
his hand upon a small brass knob at the back of the
pilot house. This movement was responded to by the
faint jingling of a bell below, followed immediately by
a rush of cinders from the smoke-pipes, and an improved
action of the paddle-.
" Now we mo'e again."
" Some," was the response, and a momentary tremor
pervaded the bnat as she "C slid along'" right smartly.
But the craft in our rear moved like our shadow on
the calm waters, and as we shot down the river, it
seemed as if we had her " in tow," so calmly and uniformly did she follow in our wake. The excitement of
the congregation upon deck had by this time become
intense, and it was pretty plain that the boats must
shortly part company, or "' split something!"  The rascal behind us took advantage of a turn in the channel,
and 1" helm a-starboard!" was c.early heard firom the
look-out of our rival, as she " hove oilff,)' and suddenly
fell alongside us! T'he parson went below at once, to
put his threat into execution, as we came up into the
current again, I nec,k and neck;" and when he returned




128 THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING.
we were running a twenty-five-knot lick, the steam
smack on to 490!
" She's going-goin' go," muttered an auctioneer to himself.
"A perfect nonsuit," remarked a lawyer.
"Beaten, but not vanquished," added a politician;
and away we scudded side by side for half a mile.
" Wouldn't she bear a leetle more?" meekly asked
the parson.
"'She's doing very well," replied the captain.
"Don't get excited, gentlemen; my boat is a new
one-her reputation and mine is at stake.  We mnusn't
rush her-racing always injures a boat, and I am averse
to it;" saying which he applied his thumb and finger
to the brass knob again-the bell tinkled in the distance-and our rival pilot shortly hadl an opportunity to
examine the architecture of our rudder-post!
I was acquainted with the engineer.   I stepped
below, (believing we should be beaten at our present
speed,) and entering the engine-room" Tim," said I, " we'll be licked-give her another
turn, eh?"'
"I rayther think she moves some as it is," said Tim.
" Yes: but the C    is hard on us-give her a little,
my boy-just for   "
" Step in here a moment," remarked Tim; " it's all'mum,' you know —nothin to be said, eh? Quiet-,
there!-don't she tremble some?"
I noticed, for the first time, that our boat did labour
prodigiously!
"But come round here," continued Tim: "'look
th/'lere!-mnum's the word you know."




THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING. 129
I stepped out of that engine-room (Tim said afterwards, that I " sprang out at one bound;" but he lied!)
in a hurry.  The solder upon the connection-pipe had
melted and run down over the seams in a dozen places,
from the excessive heat-a crow-bar was braced athwart
the safety-valve, with a " fifty-six" upon one end-and
we were shooting down the Ohio, under a head of steam
" chock up" to 54 40!!
My " sleeping apartment" was well aft.  I entered
the state-room-got over upon the back side of my
berth —and, stuffing the corners of the pillow into my
ears, endeavoured to compose myself in sleep. It was
out of the question. In attempting to " right myself,"
I discovered that my hair stuck out so straight, it was
impossible for me to get my head within six inches of the
pillow!
I tossed about till daylight, in momentary expectation
of being landed in Kentucky, (or somewhere else!) but
we got on finely. We led our rival half an hour into
Louisville; and I immediately swore upon my nightcap
that I would never accept another invitation, for a pleasure trip, from a steamboat captain who ewas averse to
racing!




BOB HERRING, THE ARKANSAS BEAR
HUNTER.
BY T. B. THORPE, ESQ., OF NEW  ORLEANS.
As the author of "The Mysteries of the Backwoods," and a
series of sporting sketches in the " Spirit of the Times," of
which " The Big Bear of Arkansas," and " Tom Owen, the
Bee Hunter," are perhaps best known, Mr. Thorpe has acquired the most enviable reputation on both sides of the Atlantic. It is not so generally known that he is, by profession,
a painter; and his abilities as an artist are cheerfillly acknowledged by his contemporaries. Since the breaking out
of the war with Mexico, Thorpe has visited its theatre, and
the result has been a very interesting volume, containing
many illustrations from drawings by himself, made on the
spot. It is called 1" Our Army of Occupation;" the pub
lishers were Carey & Hart, *of Philadelphia; and the wor}
may be obtained at any book-store for half-a-dollar, thougfl
worth five times that amount.
IT is not expected that a faithful description of the
Devil's Summer Retreat, in Arkansas, will turn the current of fashion of two worlds, from Brighton and Bath,
or from Ballston or Saratoga, although the residents in
the neighbourhood of that delightful place profess to
have ocular demonstration, as well as popular opinion,
that his Satanic Majesty, in warm weather, regularly
retires to the " retreat,'  and " there  reclines in the
cool."   The  solemn  grandeur  that surrounds  this
130




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.         1'31
distin',uished resort is worthy of the hero, as represented by Milton; its characteristics are darkness,
gloom, and mystery; it is composed of the unrivalled
vegetation and forest of the Mississippi Valley.  View
it when you will, whether decked out in all the luxuriance of a southern summer, or stripped of its foliage
by the winter's blasts; it matters not, its grandeur is
always sombre. The huge trees seem immortal, their
roots look as if they struck to the centre of the earth,
while the gnarled limbs reached out to the clouds.
Here and there may be seen one of these lordly specimens of vegetation furrowed by the lightning; from
its top to the base you can trace the subtle fluid in its
descent, and see where it shattered off the limb, larger
than your body, or turned aside from some slight inequality in the bark.  These stricken trees, no longer
able to repel the numerous parasites that surround them,
soon become festooned with wreaths and flowers, while
the damp airs engender on living tree and dead, like
funeral drapery, the pendant moss, that waves in every
breeze, and seems to cover the whole scene with the
gloom of the grave.  Rising out of this forest for ten
square miles, is the dense cane-brake that bears the
name of the " Devil's Summer Retreat;" it is formed
by a space of ground, on which, seemingly from its superiority of soil, more delicate vegetation than surrounds
it has usurped its empire.  Here the reed, that the
disciple of Izaak Walton plays over the northern streams
like a *and, grows into a delicate mast, springing from
the rich alluvium that gives it sustenance with the prodigality of grass, and tapering from its roots to the
height of twenty or thirty feet, thore mingling, in com




132       BOB HERRING. THE BEAR HUNTER,
pact and luxuriant confusion, its long leaves. A portion of this brake is interwoven with vines of all descriptions, which makes it so thick that it seems to be
impenetrable as a mountain. Here, in this solitude,
where the noon-day sun never penetrates, ten thousand
birds, with the instinct of safety, roost at night, and at
the dawn of day, for a while, darken the air as they
seek their haunts, their manure deadening, for acres
round, the vegetation, like a fire, so long have they
possessed the solitude. Around this mass of cane and
vine, the black bears retire for winter quarters, where
they pass the season, if not disturbed, in the insensibility of sleep, and yet come out in the spring as fat as
when they commenced their long nap. The forest, the
waste, and the dangers of the cane brake, add to the
excitement of the Arkansas hunter; he conquers them
all, and makes them subservient to his pursuits.  Associated with these scenes, they to him possess no sentiment; he builds his log cabin in a clearing made by his
own hands, amid the surrounding grandeur, and it looks
like a gipsy hut among the ruins of a. Gothic cathedral.
The noblest trees are only valuable for fence-rails, and
the cane-brake is Can infernal dark hole," where you
can " see sights," "catch bears," and " get a fish-pole,
ranging in size from a penny whistle to that of a young
stove-pipe."
The undoubted hero of the Devil's Summer Retreat,
is old Bob Herring; he has a character that would
puzzle three hundred metaphysicians consecutively.
He is as bold as a lion, and as superstitious as an
Indian. The exact place of his birth he cannot tell, as
he says his parents "travelled " as long as he can re



BOE HERRING THE BEAR ITUNTER.        133
member them.  He "5 squatted' on the Mississippi, at its
nearest point to the Retreat, and there erecting a rude
cabin commenced hunting for a living, having no prospect ahead but selling out his'" pre-emption right" and
improvements, and again squatting somewhere else.
Unfortunately the extent of Arkansas, and the swamp
that surrounded Bob's location, kept it out of market,
until, to use his own language, he "became the ancientest inhabitant in the hull of Arkansaw."  And
having, in spite of himself, gradually formed acquaintances with the few residents in this vicinity, and grown
into importance from his knowledge of the country and
his hunting exploits, he has established himself for life,
at what he calls the  Wasp's diggins," made a potato
patch, which he has never had time to fence in, talked
largely of a corn-field, and hung his cabin round with
rifle pouches, gourds, red-peppers, and flaming advertisements with rampant horses and pedigrees; these
latter ornaments he looks upon as rather sentimental,
but he excuses himself on the ground that they look
"'hoss,)  and he considers such an expression as considerably resembling himself.  We have stated that
Bob's mind would puzzle three hundred metaphysicians
consecutively, and we as boldly assert that an equal
number of physiologists would be brought to a stand
by his personal appearance. The left side of his face
is good looking, but the right side seems to be under
the influence of an invisible air-pump; it looks sucked
out of shape; his perpendicular height is six feet one
inch, but that gives the same idea of his length, that
the diameter gives of the circumference; how long Bob
Herring would be if he was drawn out, is impossible




134      BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.
to tell. Bob himself says, that he was made on too
tall a scale for this world, and that he was shoved in,
like the joints of a telescope. Poor in flesh, his enormous bones and joints rattle when he moves, and they
would no doubt have long since fallen apart, but for
the enormous tendons that bind them together as visibly
as a good-sized hawser would. Such is Bob Herring,
who on a bear hunt will do more hard work, crack
more jokes, and be more active than any man living,
sustaining the whole with unflinching good humour,
never getting angry except when he breaks his whisky
bottle, or has a favourite dog open on the wrong
trail.
My first visit to the Devil's Summer Retreat was propitious, my companions were all choice spirits, the weather was fine, and Bob Herring inimitable.  The bustling scene that prefaced the " striking the camp " for
night lodgings, was pictituresque and animated; a long
ride brought us to our halting place, and there was
great relief in again stepping on the ground. Having
hobbled our horses, we next proceeded to build a fire,
which was facilitated by taking advantage of a dead
tree for a back-log; our saddles, guns, and other necessaries were brought within the circle of its light, and
lolling upon the ground we partook of a frugal supper,
the better to be prepared for our morrow's exertions,
and our anticipated breakfast. Beds were next made
up, and few can be better than a good supply of cane
tops, covered with a blanket, with a saddle for a pillow; upon such a rude couch, the hunter sleeps more
soundly than the effeminate citizen on his down. The
crescent moon, with her attendant stars, studded the




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.        135
canopy under which we slept, and the blazing fire com.
pletely destroyed the chilliness of a southern December
night.
The old adage of " early to bed and early to rise,"
was intended to be acted upon, that we might salute
the tardy sun with the heat of our sport, and probably
we would have carried out our intentions had not Bob
Herring very coolly asked if any of us snored 1"unkimmonly loud," for he said his old shooting iron would
go off at a good imitation of a bear's breathing!:This
sally from Bob brought us all upright, and then there
commenced a series of jibes, jokes, and stories, that
no one can hear, or witness, except on an Arkansas
hunt with "old coons."  Bob, like the immortal Jack,
was witty himself, and the cause of wit in others, but
he sustained himself against all competition; and gave
in his notions and experience with an unrivalled humour and simplicity. He found in me an attentive
listener, and went into details, until he talked every
one but myself asleep. From general remarks, he
changed to addressing me personally, and as I had
every thing to learn, he went from the elementary to
the most complex experience.  " You are green in bar
hunting,'" said he to me, in a commiserating tone, and
with a toss of the head that would have done honour to
MI. Brummel in his glory; "green as a jinson weedbut don't get short-winded'bout it, case it's a thing like
readin', to be larnt;-a man don't come it parfectly
at once, like a dog does; and as for that, they larn a
heap in time;-thar is a greater difference'tween a pup
and an old dog on a bar hunt than thar is'tween a malitia man and a riglar. I remember when I couldn't




136       30BB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.
bar hunt, though the thing seems onpossible now; it
only requires time, a true eye, and steady hand, though
I did know a fellow that called himself a doctor, that
said that couldn't do it if you was narvious.  I
asked him if he meant by that agee and fever? He
said it was the agee without the fever. Thar may be
such a thing as narvious, stranger, but nothin' but a
yarthquake, or the agee, can shake me; and still bar
hunting ain't as easy as scearing a wild turkey, by a
long shot. The varmint aint a hog, to run with a
w-h —e-w; just corner one-cotch its cub, or cripple
it, and if you don't have to fight, or get out of the way,
then thar ain't no cat-fish in the Mississip. I larnt that,
niigh twenty year ago, and perhaps you would like to
know abou.t it."  Signifying my assent, Bob Herring
got up in his bed, for as it was the bare ground he could
not well get off of it, and approaching the fire, he threw
about a cord of wood on it, in the form of a few
huge logs; as they struck the blazing heap the sparks
flew upwards in the clear cold air, like a jet of stars;
then fixing himself comfortably, he detailed what follows:
I had a knowing old sow at that time that would
have made a better hunter than any dog ever heerd
on; she had such a nose,-talk'bout a dog following
a cold trail, she'd track a bar through running water.
Well, you see, afor' I know'd her vartu', she came
rushing into my cabin, bristles up, and fell on the floor,
from what I now believe to have been regular sceare.
I thought she'd seen a bar, for nothing else could make
her run; and taking down my rifle, I went out a sort
a carelessly, with only two dogs at my heels. Hadn't




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.        137
gone far afore I saw a bar, sure enough, very quietly
standing beside a small branch-it was an old he, and
no mistake. I crawled up to him  on my hands and
knees, and raised my rifle, but if I had fired I must
have hit him so far in front, that the ball would have
ranged back, and not cut his mortals. I waited, and
he turned tail towards me, and started across the branch;
afeerd I'd lose him, I blazed away, and sort a cut him
slantindicularly through his hams, and brought him
down; thar he sat, looking like a sick nigger with the
dropsy, or a black bale of cotton turned up on eend.'Twas not a judgmatical shot, and Smith thar" (pointing at one of the sleeping hunters)!' would say so."
Hereupon Bob Herring, without ceremony, seized a
long stick, and thrust it into Smith's short ribs, who,
thus suddenly awakened from a sound sleep, seized his
knife, and looking about him, asked, rather confusedly,
what was- the matter?  "Would you," inquired Bob,
very leisurely, " would you, under any circumstances,
shoot an old he in the hams?'"  Smith very peremptorily told his questioner to go where the occupier of the
Retreat in Summer is supposed to reside through the
winter months, and went instantly to sleep again.
Bob continued,-" Stranger, the bar, as I have said,
was on his hams, and thar he sot, waiting to whip
somebody and not knowing whar to begin, when the
two dogs that followed me came up, and pitched into
him like a caving bank. I knowed the result afor the
fight began; Brusher had his whole scalp, ears and all,
hanging over his nose in a minute, and Tig was laying
some distance from the bar, on his back, breathing like
a horse with the thumps; he wiped them both out with




138      BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.
one stroke of his left paw, and thar he sot, knowing as
well as I did, that he was not obliged to the dogs for
the hole in his carcass, and thar I stood, like a fool,
rifle in hand, watching him, instead of giving him another ball. All of a sudden he caught a glimpse of my
hunting shirt, and the way he walked at me with his
two fore legs was a caution to slow dogs. I instantly
fired, and stepped round behind the trunk of a large
tree; my second shot confused the bar, and he was
hunting about for me, when, just as I was patching my
ball, he again saw me, and, with his ears nailed back
to his head, he gave the d  -t w-h-e-w I ever
heerd, and made straight at me; I leaped up a bank
near by, and as I gained the top my foot touched the
eend of his nose. If I ever had the' narvious' that
was the time, for the skin on my face seemed an inch
thick, and my eyes had more rings in them than a mad
wild-cat's. At this moment several of my dogs, that
war out on an expedition of their own, came up, and
immediately made battle with the bar, who shook off
the dogs in a flash, and made at me agin; the thing
was done so quick, that, as I raised my rifle, I stepped
back and fell over, and thinking my time was come,
wished I had been born to be hung, and not chaw'd
up; but the bar didn't cotch me: his hind quarters,
as he came at me, fell into a hole about a root, and
caught.  I was on my feet, and out of his reach
in a wink, but as quick as I did this he had cut
through a green root the size of my leg: he did it in
about two snaps, but weakened by the exertion, the
dogs got hold of him, and held on while I blowed his
heart out.  Ever since that time I have been wide




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.         131
awake with a wounded bar —sartinly, or stand off
being my motto.  I shall dream of that bar to-night,'
concluded Bob, fixing his blanket over him; and a feci
moments only elapsed before he was in danger of his
life, if his rifle would go off at a good imitation of a
bear's breathing.
Fortunately for me, the sun on the following morn
was fairly above the horizon before our little party was
ready for the start. While breakfast was being prepared,
the rifles were minutely examined; some were taken
apart, and every precaution used to ensure a quick and
certain fire. A rude breakfast having been despatched,
lots were drawn, who should go into the drive with the
dogs, as this task in the Devil's Summer Retreat is any
thing but a pleasant one, being obliged at one time to
walk on the bending cane-it is so thick for hundreds
of yards that you cannot touch or see the ground-then
crawling on your hands and knees, between its roots,
sometimes brought to a complete halt, and obliged to
cut your way through with your knife. While this is
going on, the hunters are at the stands, places their
judgments dictate as most likely to be passed by the
bear, when roused by the dogs.  Two miles might on
this occasion have been passed over by those in the
drive, in the course of three hours, and yet, although
" signs were plenty as leaves," not a bear was started.
Hard swearing was heard, and as the vines encircled
the feet, or caught one under the nose, it was increased.
In the midst of this ill humour, a solitary bark was
heard; some one exclaimed, that was Bose! another
shrill yelp that sounded like Music's; breathing was
almost suspended in the excitement of the moment;




1 40     BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.
presently another, and another bark, was heard in quick
succession, in a minute more, the whole pack of thirty.
five staunch dogs opened!  The change from silence to
so much noise made it almost deafening.  No idea but
personal demonstration can be had of the effect upon
the mind, of such a pack baying a bear inl a cane-break.
Before me were old hunters; they had been moving
along, as if destitute of energy or feeling, but now
their eyes flashed, their lips were compressed, and their
cheeks flushed; they seemed incapable of fatigue. As
for myself, my feelings almost overcame me, I felt a
cold sweat stealing down my back, my breath was thick
and hot, and as I suspended it, to hear more distinctly
the fight, for by this time the dogs had evidently come
up with the bear, I could hear the pulsation of my heart.
One minute more to listen, to learn which direction the
war was raging, and then our party unanimously sent
forth a yell that would have frightened a nation of Indians. The bear was in his bed when the dogs first
came up with him, and he did not leave it until the pack
surrounded himr; then finding things rather too warm, he
broke off with a " whew" that was awful to hear. His
course was towards us on the left, and as he went by,
the cane cracked and smashed as if rode over by an
insane locomotive. Bob Herring gave the dogs a salute
as they passed, close at the bear's heels, and the noise
increased, until he said " it sounded as if all h. 1
was pounding bark."  The bear was commented on as
the rushed by; one said he was " a buster." "A regular
built eight years old," said another. " Fat as a candle,"
shouted a third.  cs He's the beauty of the Devil's Suminer Retreat, with a band of angels after him," sang out




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.         141
Bob Herring.  On the bear plunged, so swiftly that our
greatest exertions scarcely enabled us to keep within
hearing distance; his course carried him towards those
at the stands, but getting wind of them, he turned and
exactly retraced his course, but not with the same speed;
want of breath had already brought him several times to
a stand, and a fight with the dogs. He passed us the
second time within two hundred yards, and coming
against a fallen tree, backed up against it, and showed
a determination, if necessary, there to die. We made
our way towards the spot, as fast as the obstacles in our
way would let us, the hunters anxious to despatch him,
that as few dogs as possible might be sacrificed.  The
few minutes to accomplish this seemed months, the
fight all the time sounding terrible, for every now and
then the bear evidently made a rush at the dogs, as
they narrowed their circle, or came individually too
near his person. Crawling through and over the canebrake was a new thing to me, and in the prevailing
excitement, my feet seemed tied together, and there
was always a -vine directly under my chin, to cripple my
exertions. While thus struggling, I heard a suspicious
cracking in my rear, and looking round, I saw Bob
Herring, a foot taller than common, stalking over the
cane, like a colossus; he very much facilitated my progress, by a shove in the rear. " Come along, stranger,"
he shouted, his voice as clear as a bell, "Come along,
the bar and the dogs are going it, like a high pressure
nigger camp-meeting, and I must be thar to put a word
in sartin." Fortunately for my wind, I was nearer the
contest than I imagined, for Bob Herring stopped just
ahead of me, examined his rifle with two or three other




142     BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.
bunters, just arrived from the stands, and by peeping
through the under-growth, we discovered, within thirty
yards of us, the fierce raging fight. Nothing distinctly,
however, was seen; a confused mass of legs, heads, and
backs of dogs, flying about as if attached to a ball,
was all we could make out. A still nearer approach,
and the confusion would clear off for a moment, and
the head of the bear could be seen, with his tongue
covered with dust, and hanging a foot from his mouth;
his jaws were covered with foam and blood, his eyes
almost protruding from their sockets, while his ears
were so closely pressed to the back of his head, that he
seemed destitute of those appendages; the whole indicative of unbounded rage and terror.
These glimpses of the bear were only momentary;
his persecutors rested but for a breath, and then closed
in, regardless of their own lives, for you could discover, mingled with the sharp bark of defiance, the yell
that told of death. It was only while the bear was
crushing some luckless dog, that they could cover his
back, and lacerate it with their teeth. One of the
hunters, in spite of the danger, headed by Bob Herring,
crept upon his knees, so near that it seemed as if another foot advanced would bring them within the circle
of the fight. Bob Herring was first within safe shooting distance to save the dogs, and waving his hand to
those behind him, he raised his rifle and sighted, but
his favourite dog, impatient for the report, anticipated it
by jumping on the bear, who throwing up his head at
the same instant, the bear received the ball in his nose.
At the crack of the rifle, the well-trained dogs, thinking
less caution than otherwise necessary, jumped pell-mell




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.          143
on the bear's back, and the hardest fight ever witnessed
in the Devil's Summer Retreat ensued; the hunter,
with Bob, placed his gun almost against the bear's side,
and the cap snapped; no one else was near enough to
fire without hitting the dogs. —" Give him the knife!"
cried those at a distance. Bob Herring's long blade
was already flashing in his hand, but sticking a living
bear is not child's play; lie was standing undecided,
when he saw the hind legs of Bose 4upwards; thrusting aside one or two of the dogs with his hand, he
made a pass at the bear's throat, but the animal was so
quick, that he struck the knife with his fore paw, and
sent it whirling into the distant cane; aliother was instantly handed him, which he thrust at the bear, but the
point was so blunt that it would not penetrate the skin.
Foiled a third time, with a tremendous oath on himself and the owner of the knife " that wouldn't stick a
cabbage," he threw it indignantly from him, and seizing, unceremoniously, a rifle, just then brought up by
one of the party, heretofore in the rear, he, regardless
of his own legs, thrust it against the side of the bear
with considerable force, and blowed him through; the
bear struggled but for a moment, and fell dead, " I saw
snakes last night in my dreams," said Bob, handing
back the rifle to its owner, " and I never had any
good luck the next day, arter sich a sarcumstance;
I call this hull hunt about as mean an affair as damp
powder; that bar thar," pointing to the carcass, "c that
thar, ought to have been killed, afor he maimed a dog.'
Then, speaking energetically, he said, " Boys, never
shoot at a bar's head, even if your iron is in his ear,
it's unsartin; look how I missed the brain, and only




144       BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.
tore the smellers; with fewer dogs, and sich a shot, a
fellow would be ripped open in a powder flash; and I
say, cuss caps, and head shooting; they would have
cost two lives to-day, but for them ar dogs, God bless
With such remarks, Bob Herring beguiled away the
time, while he, with others, skinned the bear.  His
huge carcass, when dressed, though not over fat, looking like a young' steer's. The dogs, as they recovered
breath, partook of the refuse with relish; the nearest
possible rout out of the Devil's Retreat was selected,
and two horse loads took the meat into the open woods,
where it was, divided out in such a manner that it
could be taken home. Bob Herring, while the dressing of the bear was going on, took the skin, and on its
inside surface, which glistened like satin, he carefully
deposited the caul fat, that looked like drifted snow,
and beside it the liver; the Choice parts of the bear, according to the gourmand notions of the frontier, were
in Bob's possession; and many years' experience had
made him so expert in cooking it,-that he was locally
famed for this matter above all competitors. It would
be as impossible to give the recipe for this dish, so that
it might be followed by the gastronomes of cities, as it
would to have the articles composing it exposed for
sale. in the markets.  Bob Herring managed as follows: he took a long wooden skewer, and having
thrust its point through a small piece of bear fat, he
then followed it by a small piece of the liver, then the
fat, then the liver, and so on, until his most important
material was consumed; when this was done, he opened
the "bear's handkerchief," or caul, and wrapped it




BOB HERRING THE BEAR HUNTER.          145
round the whole, and thus roasted it before the fire.
Like all the secrets in cookery, this dish depends for its
flavour and richness upon exactly giving the proper
quantities, as a superabundance of one or the other
would completely spoil the dish. " I was always unlucky, boys," said Bob, throwing the bear skin and its
contents over his shoulder, " but I've had my fill often
of caul fat and liver; many a man, who thinks he's
lucky, lives and dies ignorant of its virtue, as a'possum
is of corn cake. If I ever look dead don't bury me
until you see I don't open my eyes when its ready for
eating; if I don't move when you show me it, then I
am a done goner, sure." Night closed in before we
reached our homes, the excitement of the morning
wore upon our spirits and energy, but the evening's
meal of caul fat and liver, and other similar "fixins,"
or Bob Herring's philosophical remarks, restored me to
perfect health, and I shall recollect that supper, and its
master of ceremonies, as harmonious with, and as extraordinary as is, the Devil's Summer Retreat.




MCALPIN'S TRIP TO CHARLESTON.
BY THE AUTHOR OF's COUSIN SALLY DILLIARD.73
The writer of the following "good'un" is an eminent member
of the North Carolina bar. He has lately furnished the
"Spirit of the Times" with a number of original stories,
from which the one annexed is selected as a specimen of his
style:IN the county of Robison, in the state of North Carolina, there lived in times past a man by the name of
Brooks, who kept a grocery for a number of years, and
so had acquired most of the land round him. This was
mostly pine barrens, of small value, but nevertheless
Brooks was looked up to as a great landholder and big
man inthe neighbourhood. There was one tract, however,
belonging to one Colonel Lamar, who lived in Charleston, that "jammed in upon him so strong," and being
withal better in quality than the average of his own
domain, that Brooks had long wished to add it to his
other broad acres. Accordingly he looked around him
and employed, as he expressed it, "' the smartest man
in the neighbourhood," to wit, one Angus McAlpin, to
go to Charleston and negotiate with Colonel Lamar for
the purchase of this also. Being provided pretty well
witlh bread, meat, and a bottle of pale-face, which were
stowed away in a pair of leather saddle-bags, and, like
all other great Plenipotentiaries, being provided with
suitable instructions, Mac mounted a piney-wood-tacky
146




MeALPIN'S TRIP TO CHARLESTON.      147
(named Rosum) and hied him off to Charleston. The
road was rather longer than Brooks had supposed, or
his agent was less expeditious, or some bad luck had
happened to him, or something was the matter that
Angus did not get back until long after the day had
transpired which was fixed on for his return. Brooks
in the, mean time had got himself into a very fury of
impatience. He kept his eyes fixed on the Charleston
road —he was crusty towards his customers-harsh
towards his wife and children, and scarcely eat or slept
for several days and nights, for he had set his whole
soul upon buying the Lamar land. One day, however,
Angus was descried slowly and sadly wending his way
up the long stretch of sandy road that made up to the
grocery. Brooks went out to meet him, and, without
further ceremony, he accosted him.
"' Well, Mac, have you got the land?"
The agent, in whose face was any thing but sunshine,
replied somewhat gruffly that " he might let a body get
down from his horse before he put at him with questions
of business."
But Brooks was in a fever of anxiety and repeated
the question" Did you get it?"
6 Shaw, now, Brooks, don't press upon a body in this
uncivil way. It is a long story and I must have time."
Brooks still urged, and Mac still parried the question
till they got into the house.
"' Now, surely,"' thought Brooks, "' he will tell me."
But Mac was not quite ready.
" Brooks," says he,;" have you any thing to drink?'' To be sure I have," said the other, and immediately




148      M'IAAL PINiS TRIP TO CHARLESTONE
had some of his best forth-coming. Having moistened
his clay, Mac took a seat and his employer another. AMac
gave a preliminary hein! He then turned suddenly
around to Brooks, looked him straight in the eyes, and
slapped him on the thigh"Brooks," says he,' was you ever in Charleston?"
" Why, you know I never was," replied the other.
"6 Well, then, Brooks," says the agent, " you ought
to go there. The greatest place upon the face of the
earth! They've got houses there on both sides of the
road for five miles at a stretch, and d -  n the horsetrack the whole way through!  Brooks, I think I
met five thousand people in a minute, and not a chap
would look at me. They have got houses there on
wheels. Brooks! I saw one with six horses hitched to
it, and a big driver with a long whip going it like a
whirlwind. I followed it down the road for a mile
and a half, and when it stopt I looked, and what do you
think there was? nothing in it but one little woman
sitting up in one corner. Well, Brooks, I turned back up
the road, and as I was riding along I sees a fancy looking chap with long curly hair hanging down his back,
and his boots as shiney as the face of an up-country
nigger! I called him into the middle of the road and
asked him a civil question; and a civil question, you
know, Brooks, calls for a civil answer all over the
world. I says, says I,' Stranger, can you tell me
where Colonel Lamar lives?' and what do you think
was his answer-' Go to h    1, you fool'"
1"Well, Brooks, I knocks along up and down and
about, until at last I finds out where Colonel Lamar
lived. I gets down and bangs away at the door.




MCALPIN S TRIP TO CHARLESTON.       149
Presently the door was opened by as pretty, fine-spoken,;vell-dressed a woman as ever you seed in your born
days, Brooks. Silk! Silks thar every day, Brooks!
Says I,' Mrs. Lamar, I presume, madam,' says I.' I
am Mrs. Lamar, sir.'' Well, madam,' says I,'I have
come all the way from North Carolina to see Colonel
Lamar-to see about buying a tract of land from him
that's up in our parts?''Then,' she says,'Colonel
Lamar has rode out in the country, but will be back
shortly.  Come in, sir, and wait a while.  I've no
doubt the colonel will soon return,' and she had a smile
upon that pretty face of her's that reminded a body of a
Spring morning. Well, Brooks, I hitched my horse to
a brass thing on the door, and walked in. Well, when
I got in I sees the floor all covered over with the nicest
looking thing! nicer than any patched-worked bed-quilt
you ever seed in your life, Brooks. I was trying to edge
along round it, but presently I sees a big nigger come
stepping right over it. Thinks I, if that nigger can go
it, I can go it, too! So right over it I goes and takes
m-nseat right before a picture, which at first I thought
was a little man looking in at the window.  Well,
Brooks, there I sot waiting and waiting for Colonel
Lamar, and at last-he didn't come, but they began to
bring in dinner.  Thinks I to myself, here's a scrape.
But I made up my mind to tell her, if she axed me to
eat-to tell her with a genteel bow that I had no occasion to eat.  But, Brooks, she didn't ax me to eat-she
axed me if I'd be so good as to earve that turkey for
her, and she did it with one of them lovely smiles that
makes the cold streaks run down the small of a feller's
back.'Certainly, madam,' says I, and I walks up to
K




150       M"*ALPIN S - TRIP TO " CHARLESTON.
the table-there was on one- side of the turkey a great
big knife as big as a bowie knife, and a fork with a
trigger to it on the other side. Well, I falls to work,
and in the first e-fort I slashed the gravy about two yards
over the whitest table-cloth you ever seed in your life,
Brooks! Well! I felt the hot steam begin to gather
about my cheeks and eyes.  But I'm not a man to back
out for trifles, so I makes another e-fort, and the darned
thing took a flight and lit right in Mrs. Lamar's lap!
Well, you see, Brooks, then I was taken with a blindness, and the next thing I remember I was upon the
hath a-kicking.  Well, by this time I began to think of
navigating.  So I goes out and mounts Rosum, and
cntg for North Carolina! Now, Brooks, you don't
bla'me me!  Do you?"




INDIA RUBBER PILLS.
BY  I CHEVAL,  OF PHILADELPHIA.
The following anecdote of a "6 Down-East" quack doctor was
furnished by a young gentleman who has just made his debut
as a correspondent of the "Spirit of the Times." He promises to be " one of'em."
IN the manufacturing city of L, there lives a
certain Dr. D —-.  Not that he has a legitimate title
to write M. D. behind his name; but all who know
him are conscious that he deserves something more
than plain Mister, and as he is a chemist and druggist by profession, common consent has established the
" Doctor.'"
Were I to attempt to describe the doctor as he merits,
you would be compelled to issue an extra, but I cannot
resist the. opportunity of giving him a " passing notice."
In the -first place, he is a "universal genius."  He
does every thing he undertakes better than any one else
can. Nothing comes amiss to him, from a pill to a
porcelain tooth-from a lotion to a landscape-from a
draught to a drawing.  A         W, Esq., has
among his collection of pictures a couple of landscapes
painted by the doctor, which would do credit to the
cabinet of any gentleman in the country. In short,
151




152           INDIA RUBBER PILLS.
were he a Yankee, he knows enough to revolutionize
half the world.
Some years ago, about the time we began to discover
that India rubber could be put to other uses besides
making over-shoes and erasing pencil-marks, our doctor prepared a compound of the article, which could be
applied to either leather or cloth, making it " as impervious to water as a drunkard's throat."  Accommodating himself to the universal taste for humbug, he hung,
on the outside of his shop, large placards headed-' BEWARE OF COLDS, COUGHS, AND CONSUMPTION.1)
Underneath was a long description of the evils and ills
consequent upon getting wet feet; all of which were to
be avoided by using Dr. D —'s "celebrated compound."
The mixture was put up in small boxes, neatly labelled, and much resembling many " patent medicines."
One " sloppy day" inl March, a tall, lanky, factory
girl, just fresh from " Varmount," came splashing along
through the snow and water, coughing at every step as
though she were on her way to make a bargain with the
sexton. The placards caught her eye, and she read
one through with open-mouthed attention.  When
finished, she stepped into the -shop, and bought a box
of the mixture, being served by the doctor in-person.
A few days after, the doctor was standing behind his
counter, outside of which were two or three of his
friends. In came the same girl, coughing, if possible,
more than before, and the following dialogue ensued.
I must here remark that our friend the doctor is rather
"gruff" in look, and oftentimes rough in manner and
speech, although a better-hearted being never breathed.




INDIA RUBBER PILLS.           153
"See here," said the girl, as well as she could for
coughing, " I warnt you to take back this stuff of yourn,'taint good for nothin'."
"'Taint good for nothin'," replied the doctor, imitating her, for he was touched on a tender point. " What
does the girl mean?  Let me see the box."
The box was produced and opened, when there appeared to have been a small portion scooped out, something as it might have been done by one's thumb nail.
" Why," said the doctor, " how can you tell that'the stulf aint goodfor nothin',' when you have not used
one quarter the proper quantity?"
" I took as much as I darst tu," answered the girl,
" and as much as the rest of the gals said would be
enu i. "
"1 Took!" almost shouted the doctor-"- Took! What
do you mean by taking?  How did you take it?"
"' Why, sir," said the girl, " I didn't know what to
do with it myself, so I asked the other gals, and they
said I must make it into pills.  I took four when I went
tu bed, and the next mornin' I coughed worser than
ever.)"
"Humph!" growled the doctor, at the same time
handing the girl back her money.  " Took it, did ye, in
the shape of pills? Well, if you aren't water-tight for
the balance of your life, I'm blowed!"<
The poor girl sloped just in time to prevent the doctor's friends from expiring.




A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI.
BY AN ASSOCIATE EDITOR OF THE N. O. " DELTA."
One of the best diurnals published south of "Mason & Dixon's
Line," is the New Orleans " Daily Delta," of Messrs. Davis,
Corcoran, & Hayes. To which of them we are indebted for
the following "good thing," deponent saith not; we confess
judgment, however, that we "owe him one."
-WHILE sojourning for a few days, about the period
of the solstice last summer, in one of the marine villages of the state of Mississippi, that skirt the Mexican
Gulf, an event transpired which, for a time-a brief
time only —started the hamlet from its propriety.  We
shall proceed to give a hurried sketch of the occurrence, with the view of giving it typical notoriety.
The sun, on the morning of the day to which we are
about to refer, rose from the Gulf with a rosy glow, and
ere long flung forth its rays, polishing its surface, as
though it were a " monster " mirror.  Bilious-looking,
liver-affected gentlemen, in broad-brimmed Panama and
Leghorn hats, and morning gowns; young ladies in
sun bonnets and "Nora creena"' dresses; and older
ladies in no particular style of dress, might be seen
wending their way up to the hotel, having taken their
matin ablution.  The birds in the neighbouring pir.etrees had given their first concert for the morning; the
sun was fast beginning to absorb the little, crystallized,
154




A MURDER CASE. IN MISSISSIPPI.      155
globular dew drops, which, a short time before, sur'
mounted the grass blades, making the lawn in front of
the hotel look like an enamelled carpet, ornamented
with spangles.  Dissipated-looking gentlemen might
also be observed, hurriedly preparing their toilet for
breakfast, and little else was to be heard than a call for
"boots" from No. 5-a call for soap from No. 9, or
a call for a napkin from No. 13, except the hissing
of the fish, as, half covered in butter, they fried in the
kitchen.
While things were in a state such as we have represented them, a tall, thin man, with the nether ends of
his trousers thrust into the legs of his horse-skin boots,
without any coat, unshaven, and wearing an old conecrowned, gray, woollen hat, walked hurriedly and agitatedly up to where a group of boarders was standing
at the hotel door, and inquired for the attorney of the
district, who happened to be standing at the hotel at
the time.  The latter functionary having heard his
name mentioned, walked out from his room and
asked "' Jones "-the  man in the horse-skin boots" What the d-   1 are you after so early?-Court don't
sit till ten."
Now Jones, knowing that to answer this very familiar, though not very polite interrogatory, he would
have to open his mouth, and knowing that in opening
his mouth he could not retain the quantity of tobacco
juice with which it was filled, took the preliminary precaution to expectorate it, before replying to the learned
district attorney; which done, he told him in a halfmysterious, half-astonished tone, that "1 it was done at
last.'




156       A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI.
" Jones," says the district attorney, " you're a living
note of admiration!"-and Jones, by the way, did not
look unlike a standing one. " You're like the dwarf
with the two heads, who is so old that nobody can tell
his age-you're a perpetual wonder-what is it that's
done now, that seems to excite your alarm so?"
Why, Granger has killed his wife at last," said
Jones-who turned out himself to be a limb of the
law-being constable, crier of the court, and subpcenaserver on delinquent tax-payers.
"'0, he has, has he?" said the district attorney-.
"let me have your tobacco, Jones."
Jones handed the legal representative of the state,
or of that certain district of it, his honey-dew, and the
D. A. having cut a chunk off it and deposited it in his
jaw, coolly remarked-" You have summoned an inn
quest, and secured Granger, of course."
Jones.-" I have secured Granger, and an almighty
tough job I had of it; but I reckon the body must be
found first,'fore there's an inquest. I don't know no
law, if the Magistrate's Manual don't say, in an article
on dead bodies, page 106, that there can't be no inquest
where there aint no body found."
District.Attorney-Contemptuously. —" 0, Jones, I
admit you're a most profound lawyer; but notice the
judge; tell him I will be in court at ten o'clock-let
him be there to hear this case; and I will be there to
investigate it, in the name and on behalf of the sovereign state of Mississippi; but," descending from  his
dignity, "Jones, let us liquor before you go."
" Squire," said Jones, " you ought to be chancellor,




A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI.      157
you ought. It's the first time I shook the dew off my
boots this morning.'
They liquored, and Jones went to obey the orders of
him who Lad succeeded in ascending a few rounds
above him on the legal ladder. Granger's murder of
the wife of his bosom was the sole talk at the breakfasttable, and, indeed, of the whole village. No one exactly knew how the bloody and inhuman deed was perpetrated-nor where the body was: but all agreed that
it was a most diabolical murder. They knew it would
come to that, they said; they were always quarrelling,
was Granger and his wife, and often drunk; it could
not be otherwise. Blood was found on the floor, and
on a knife that was found under the cupboard. But
what could have been done with the body? One saw
Granger sink a large box in the lake before day; another saw two young Saw-bones, from New Orleans, put
off in a skiff a little after day, in which there was something in a sack; and a third noticed the earth freshly
dug in the woods, at the rear of Granger's house.
Ten o'clock came, and the dingy log-cabin which
formed the court-house was crowded. The judge sat
on the bench, behind a huge pair of iron-cased spectacles; the district attorney was poring over a "' dogeared" edition of " Starkie on Evidence."  Jones
was sitting with his horseskin boots stuck upon the
table before him and before the judge, his feet, of
course, being in them; and Granger, the most unconcerned-looking man in court, was whittling a stick
where he sat, to the right but in the rear of the bench.
"Are you prepared to proceed with this case, Mr.
District Attorney?" said the judge.




58        A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI.
"I am prepared, your honour," said the district attorney.
"Are you ready to proceed to preliminary trial, WYilliam Granger?" said the judge, with all the assumed
solemn dignity of a marshal; " or, if you are not now,
when will you?" he added.
" Just whenever you please," said  Granger, in
a maudlin tone of indifference; " but if Sal had
taken my advice, this would never have happened.
She "
" Silence, sir," said the judge; -"in the first place
you must learn to respect the court, and in the next
place, you are not bound to tell any thing that will criminate yourself.  Mr. District Attorney, proceed."
Granger muttered, " Criminate the d    1."
Jones called silence.  The district attorney then took
from between his teeth some masticated tobacco, and
proceeded: " May it please this court, I am about to
lay before you the skeleton-I say the skeleton-for the
great body of facts are not yet fully developed.  I am
about to lay before you, I say, the skeleton of as foul a
murder-as inhuman a murder-as unnatural a murder as
was ever recorded in the annals of crime. [Aside —Jones,
give me your tobaccer.] Yes, sir, a murder, which,
considering the relations that existed between the murderer and his victim, would, as Shakspeare says, curl
up a nigger's blood, and, what is harder still, make his
hair stand on end, like the tail of a frightened gobbler!
But, sir, although the manner in which this foul deed
was perpetrated is at present shrouded in mystery-of
the fact of the murder there is no doubt; the prisoner
and his wife were heard quarrelling last evening; she




A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI.        159
has not been since seen.  The traces of blood are visible on the floor, and a knife with clotted gore on it was
discovered under the cupboard!"
Granger attempted to say something about the blood
on the floor and on the knife being that of a chicken
Sall killed the previous evening, but Jones called
silence! and would permit him to make no explanation.
The district attorney proceeded:-" I was saying, your
honour, that up to this time, the body of the murdered
wife has not been discovered.  But, as' murder speaks
with most miraculous organ,' it will, no doubt, soon be
seen.s"
And so, in truth, it was, for the district attorney had
not well finished his quotation, when Mrs. Granger, all
alive, protruding her head into the court, called out"' Consarn you, Bill Granger, is it there you be, instead
of hoein' the taters! but when I was goin' to that ere
quiltin' frolic of Mrs. Sharp's last evenin', I said you
wouldn't do nothin' till I came back, and I knew you
wouldn't-consarn your pieter!"
It is unnecessary to say, that the appearance of Mrs.
Granger, in proper person-in substance, not in shadein court created no little consternation.  The fear,
which what was believed her apparition first occasioned,
was succeeded on the part of the crowd by a unanimous burst of humour, but, on the part of the judge
and the district attorney, by a consciousness that they
had made themselves rather ridiculous.  "I think we
have proceeded far enough in this case," said the
judge.
" I call for a conviction," said Jones. I(I ain't a goin




160        A MURDER CASE IN MISSISSIPPI.
to be chizzelled out of my fees for making the arrest,
that way."
" Why the woman that you charged Granger with
killing-his wife —stands before you!" said the judge,
surprised at the absurdity of Jones's request.
" O, you can't come it, judge," said Jones.  " I suppose you don't think I never read law; just hold on a
while "-and he snatched up cc Phillips on Evidence,'
turning to page 64, triumphantly read:aI As a party on record is not a competent witnessneither is the husband or wLfe of the party competent to
give evidence eitherfor or against the party;" and throwing down the book, he exclaimed —" there, I believe that
settles the pint; I believe,'cording to law, Mrs. Granger ain't a competent witness to prove in favour of her
husband in this case.  I reckon not."
The court was dismissed.  Granger and his wife
went home, arguing, as usual, by the way; the spectators were convulsed with laughter at the termination
of the awful murder case; the judge and the district
attorney attributed the mistakes of the morning to that
" fool, Jones," and Jones swore he would never make
another arrest as long as he'd live.




KICKING A YANKEE.
BY JOS. M. FIELD, ESQ., OF THE ST. LOUIS C REVEILLE.9
Few men of his age have written so much and so well as Mr.
Field, whose contributions to the press, under the signatures
of c" Straws," " Everpoint," etc., etc., would make a large and
most amusing series of pen and ink sketches. His facility
of composition is not less surprising than his industry, for he
has been for years either engaged in the laborious profession
of the stage, or writing for a daily newspaper.
A VERY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago
was poked out of a comfortable office up the river, has
betaken himself to Bangor, for -a time, to recover from
the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our c" unprincipled and immolating administration."
Change of air must have had an instantaneous effect
upon his spirits, for, from Galena, he writes us an
amusing letter, which, among other things, tells us of a
desperate quarrel that took place on board of the boat
between a real live dandy tourist, and a real live Yankee
settler.  The latter trod on the toes of the former;
whereupon the former threatened to "Kick out of the
cabin" the latter.
"You'll kick me out of this cabing?"
"Yes, sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!"
"You'll kick me, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?"
"-Yes, sir, I'll kick you, Mr. Hitchcock!"
161




162             KICXING A YANIKEE.
"Wal,  I guess," said the Yankee, veiy coolly, after
being perfectly satisfied that it was himself who stood
in such imminent peril of assault —" I guess, since you
talk of kicking, you've never heard me tell about old
Bradley and my mare, there, to hum?"
"No, sir, nor do I wish —---
s' Wal, guess it won't set you back much, any how,
as kicking's generally best to be considered on.  You
see old Bradley is one of these sanctimonious, longfaced hypocrites, who put on a religious suit every
Sabbath morning, and with a good deal of screwing,
manage to keep it on till after sermon in the afternoon;
and as I was a Universalist, he allers picked me out as
a subject for religious conversation-and the darned
hypocrite would talk about heaven, hell, and the devilthe crucifixion and prayer, without ever winking. Wal,
he had an old roan mare that would jump over any
fourteen-rail fence in Illinois, and open any door in my
barn that hadn't a padlock on it.  Tu or three times I
found her in my stable, and I told Bradley about it, and
he was I very sorry'-' an unruly animal'-' would watch
her,' and a hull lot of such things, all said in a very
serious manner, with a face twice as long as old Deacon
Farrar's on Sacrament day. I knew all' the time he was
lying, and so I watched him and his old roan tu; and
for three nights regular, old roan came to'my stable
about bedtime, and just at daylight Bradley would come,
bridle her, and ride off. I then just took my old mare
down to a blacksmith's shop, and had some shoes made
with' corks' about four inches long, and had'em nailed
on to her hind feet. Your heels, mister; aint nuthing
tu'em.  I took her' home, give her about ten feet




tuThe, X~a, kee had not cer,sed to adv ance      or tile landy, ii hais astonlishmilent
to retreat."'-(P yc 161.








KICKING A YANKEE.               163
halter, and tied her right in the centre of the stable, fed
her well with oats about, nine o'clock, and after taking
a good smoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare
was a truth-telling animal, and that she'd give a good
report of herself in the morning. I hadn't got fairly to
sleep before the old'oman hunched me and wanted to
know what on airth was the matter out at the stable.
Says I,'Go tu sleep, Peggy, it is nothing but Kateshe is kicking off flies, I guess!'  Purty soon she
hunched.me agin, and says she,' Mr. Hitchcock, du git
up and see what in the world is the matter with Kate,
for she is kicking most powerfully.''Lay still, Peggy,
Kate will take care of herself, I guess.' Wal, the next
morning, about daylight, Bradley, with bridle in hand,
cum to the stable, as true as the book of Genesis; when
he saw the old roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed
and swore worse than you did, mister, when I came
down on your toes. Arter breakfast that morning Joe
Davis cum to my house, and says he,'Bradley's old
roan is nearly dead-she's cut all to pieces and can
scarcely move.''I want to know,' says I,' how on
airth did it happen?' Now Joe Davis was a member
of the same church with Bradley, and whilst we were
talking, up cum that everlastin' hypocrite, and says he,'Mr. Hitchcock, my old roan is ruined!''Du tell,'
says I.'She is cut all to pieces,' says he;'do you
know whether she was in your stable, Mr. Hitchcock,
last night?' Wal, mister, with this I let out:'Do I
know it?'-(the Yankee here, in illustration, made a
sudden advance upon the dandy, who made way for
him unconsciously, as it were)-' Do I know it, you
no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed, old night-ewl




164             KICKING A YANKEE.
you!-you hay-hookin', corn-cribbin', fodder-fudgin',
cent-shavin', whitlin'-of-nuthin' you!-Kate kicks like
a mere dumb beast, but I've reduced the thing to a
science!' "  The Yankee had not ceased to advance, or
the dandy, in his astonishment, to retreat; and now, the
motion of the latter being accelerated by an apparent
demonstration on the part of the former to " suit the
action to the word," he found himself in the " social
hall," tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, and
tearing the knees of his pants as he scrambled up, a
perfect scream of laughter stunning him from all sides.
The defeat was total:-a few moments afterwards he
was seen dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr.
Hitchcock finished his story on the boiler deck.




A "DOWN EAST" ORIGINAL.
BY " DE NOGBY,  OF BOSTON.
* De Nogby" is an illustrious member of the renowned " Digby
Club" of the " Modern Athens," as also of that time-honoured sodality' the " Mammoth Cod Association," which last
recently celebrated its 267th anniversary! Since our promotion to the responsible situation of chairman of the " Committee on Birmbo," it is understood that "'De Nogby" is
prosecuting his studies at the Swimming School with the
utmost assiduity, in the hope of an appointment to the " Cbom
mittee on Drowning."
I WAS rash enough on the first of the month to go into
the country to live, seduced by Ralph Waldo Emerson's
laudation of Spring, and am heartily sick of it, for the
wind has been on a blow ever since, and, like a big
baby, made a child's rattle of every thing it could lay
its hands to, from a " huckleberry" bush up to an orthodox meeting-house. But there is one consolation: my
hen's nest is so arranged that the eggsfall directly from
the fowl into my skillet of hot water; consequently I
eat them fresher, perhaps, than they do at some boarding-houses, where the landladies appear to believe that
they are not fit to cook until they have attained the
haut gout. Or, perhaps, they keep them until they are
cheap enough to eat, on the same principle that "'Johnny
LJ   A" (of whom so many queer stories are told) kept
his fish.  "Johnny" was seen carrying home a piece
L                                  165




166         A c6 DOWN-EAST 9 ORIGINAL,
of fresh salmon at a time when it was a dollar a pound 
he was asked why he didn't wait until it was cheaper?
" Aha!" replied Johnny, "' I know what Fm about. I
shall put it in my ice-chest, and when it gets down to
twenty-five cents a pound, I shall eat it!"
Johnny is the same c" stick" who set a light that the
rats might see to go into his trap, and when asked by
the painter what letter he would have put on the panel
of his carriage, preferred W, because he thought it the
best looking in the whole alphabet. He, once marked
up the prices of his goods in a dull season, and when
he had finished the job went home and told his wife he
had made a thousand dollars by the operation —forgets
ting that the merchandise yet remained to be sold.
Told, once, that his store was on fire, he said it couldn't
be, for he had the key in his pocket; and he is said to
have ordered a huge thermometer to regulate the weather,
and locked his door to keep the heat out. When he had
killed his pig, he sagely remarked that "it didn't weigh
as much as he expected, and he never thought it would."
He sold half of his porker to a neighbour, but it was a
question how it should be divided, after cutting it across
in the middle. The neighbour proposed that L 
should put his hand unseen by him on one extremity or
the other, and he'd say, without knowing what it was,
whether he would have it or not. Johnny consented,
and slightly cutting off the pig's curly termination, when
his friend's back was turned, stuck it on the nose, and
demanded, "6 Who shall have the part with the tail on?"' I!" exclaimed the other triumphantly. "Then you
have got the fore-quarters!" said Johnny.  On another
occasion, some waggish butchers in the market per



A " DOWNoEAST~' ORIGINAL.        167
suaded him that it would improve the looks of his
favourite dog to cut his tail shorter. Johnny assented,
but fearing to trust the operation to any of the wags, he
got them to hold the animal while he acted as surgeon,
for he said he wanted only a very little amputated " to
begin with.'"  After calculating very nicely where to
strike, Johnny raised the cleaver; at the same moment
the butchers shoved the dog along, so that when the
knife had fallen, the poor man found that he had severed
his cur in twain, whereupon he protested, in perfect dismay, that " it was a little too short, by a d-d sight!"




"SOMEBODY IN MY BED 1"
BY W. J. JONES) ESQ., OF HARRISBURG, PA.
We are not quite sure we have given Mr. J's. address correctly,
but never mind, he may be a relative of that Hamilton C.
Jones, Esq., of North Carolina, whose story of "Cousin
Sally Dilliard" has for the twentieth time gone the rounds of
the press. At any rate he sent the sketch below to the
"' Spirit of the Times" from Harrisburg, with a promise to become an occasional contributor —a promise which he has
incontinently forgotten, to the great regret and mortification of
the editor thereof and some tens of thousands of its readers.
A WEEK or two ago, during my peregrinations through
northern Pennsylvania, spreading knowledge among
the denizens thereof, (I sell books!) I "just dropt in"
at a comfortable-looking inn, where I concluded to remain for a day or two. After a good substantial supper,
I lit a " York County Principe," (the like of which sell
in these regions at the rate of four for a penny,) and
seated myself in the ring formed around the bar-room
stove.  There was the brawny butcher, the effeminate
tailor, a Yankee fidler, two horse dealers, a speculator, a
blackleg, the village Esculapius, and "the Captain,"
who, in consequence of being able to live on his means,
was a person of no small importance, and therefore
allowed to sit before the fire-stove with the poker to
stir the fire-a mark of respect granted only to persons
of standing.
168




s SOMEBODY IN MY BED.")          169
Yarn after yarn had been spun and the hour for retiring
had arrived —the landlord was dosing behind his bar,and the spirit of the conversation was beginning to flag,
when the doctor whispered to me that if I would pay
attention, he would " top off" with a good one.
" I believe, captain," said the doctor, "I never told
you about my adventure with a woman at my boarding
house, when I was attending the lecture."
"' No, let's have it," replied the individual addressed,
who was a short, flabby, fat man of about fifty, with a
highly nervous temperament, and a very red face.
" At the time I attended the lectures, I boarded at a
house in which there were no females, but the landlady
and an old coloured cook    "
(Here the doctor made a slight pause, and the captain, by way of requesting him to go on, said " Well.")
" I often felt the want of female society to soften the
severe labours of deep study, and dispel the ennui to
which I was subject -"
" Well," said the captain.
"But as I feared that forming acquaintances among
the ladies might interfere with my studies, I avoided
them all -
" Well."
"One evening after listening to a long lecture on
physical anatomy, and after dissecting a large negro,
fatigued in body and mind, I went to my lodgings —"
" Well," said the captain.
"I went into the hal], took a large lamp, and went
directly to my room, it being then after one o'clock —— "
"Well!"
"I placed the light upon the table, and commenced




170         ~i SOMEBODY IN MY BED."
undressing. I had hardly got my coat off when my
attention was attracted to a frock, and a quantity of
petticoats lying on a chair near the bed —— "
"Well!" said the captain, who began to show signs
that he was getting deeply interested.
( And a pair of beautiful small shoes and stockings
on the floor. Of course I thought it strange, and was
about to retire-but then I thought as it was my room,
I had at least a right to know who was in my bed    "
" Exactly," nodded the captain, " well!"
"'So I took the light, went softly to the bed, and
with a trembling hand drew aside the curtain. Heavens!
what a sight!  A young girl-I should say an angel,
of about eighteen, was in there asleep    "
" Well!" said the captain, giving his chair a hitch.
" As I gazed upon her, I thought that I had never
witnessed any thing more beautiful. From underneath
a little night-cap, rivalling the snow in whiteness, fell
a stray ringlet over a neck and shoulders of alabaster    "
W" Well!" said the excited captain, giving his chair
another hitch.
"'Never did I look upon a bust more perfectly
formed. I took hold of the coverlid and softly pulled
it down   -"'T Well!" said the' captain, betraying the utmost
excitement.
" To her waist    "
"c Well I!" said the captain, dropping the paper, and
renewing the position of his legs.
"C She had on a night dress, buttoned up before, but
softly I opened the two first buttons'



6 SOMEBODY IN IMY BED.Y           171
" WELL!,! i said the captain, wrought to the highest
pitch of excitement.
"'And then, ye gods! what a sight to gaze upon —
a Hebe-pshaw! words fail.  Just then      "
"'WELL!!!!"' said the captain, hitching his chair
right and left, and squirting his tobacco juice against the
stove that it fairly fizzed again.
".I thought that I was taking a mean advantage of
her, so I covered her up, seized my coat and boots,
and went and slept in another room!"
"' t's a lie!" shouted the excited captain, jumping
up and kicking over his chair.  " IT'S A LIE!"9




A  DAY  AT SOL. SLICE'S.
BY ( NAT. SLOCUM,I  OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
We would " give all our old clothes" and a new suit to boot, to
shake hands with the writer of the sketch subjoined. Who
he is, we doubt if'; the oldest inhabitant" of Carolina can
tell; certainly we have forgotten if we ever knew, but if we
ever should be fortunate enough to meet him, if he does not
"touch knees with us under mahogany" it shall not be our
fault.
SHORTLY after my election, in 183-, I attended a
review  held  at " Slice's Muster Ground."   Before
mounting my charger, I observed, tacked to a tree near
me, a sheet of foolscap paper, on which was written, in
letters of nearly an inch, the following:Dinner kin be had On the FoLLowin Tums at my
HousE to Day priv8s thirty seven cents non comeishund
ophisers 25 comeishund frEE i want you awl to ete
dancin to beGin at won erclock awl them what dont
wish to kevort will finD  cards on the shelf in the
cubberd M   licker On the uzual Tums
SgLOMON SLICE~
172




A DAY AT SOL. SLICE'S.          173
I had, by hard study, deciphered this fancy piece of
handicraft, when old Slice came up.
"Aha, kunnel, I see the'lection haint spiled you;
you cares more for yer belly than you does for them
muster fellows yit."
I assured him I did.," Well, could you make it out? Some of them unlarnt fellers, Joe Smith, Tim Daly, and Bill Lever, the
ugly son of a gun,'lowed they didn't know what it
was! Tim sed he reckined the old gobler must'ave
trod in the ink!  Now, I don't see nothin' agin them
letters.  To be sure, that D is sot a leetle too forred;
but the balance is as good as anybody kin do. I
writ it big, so, as Scriptur' says, them what runs kin
read."
"'But why, Slice, do you make such difference in
your charges?"
" Well, see here, kunnel, it don't much matter to me
ef them privates don't come; but it is some credit to
have fellers with eppletts on a settin' up to my vittles,
and ef I do make a leetle sommat at the licker busness,
it's you officers what has the muster here-so I gives
you free seats."
I determined to be one of his guests that day, as I
had heard he entertained well. So after parade I made
my way back to Slice's, and found I was not a moment
too early: dinner was already on a table spread in the
yard. As I came up, old Sol. mounted the table, and
cried out —at the same time waving a dirty dishcloth
above his head-" Oh yis, gentlemen!  Oh yis! din
ner's reddy! Come, awl of yer."




174           A DAY AT SOL. SLICE S.
Fortune gave me a seat near Bill Lever, than whom
it would be impossible to imagine a worse-looking or
better-natured fellow. To attempt a description of him
would be to make a failure.  His face can bid defiance
to the brush and palette of the best artist.  On my right
sat Tim Daly, ".his shadder."  Then began the clatter
of knives and forks, interspersed with loud orders for'vittles."  "More bread, here!"  "Sol., you skunk,
bring that mutton here!"' Beef, beef, BEEF!" from a
burly old fellow, who was leaning back in his chair, his
eyes shut tight, and mouth like a young mocking-bird.
"Pass them taturs down this way, Uncle Slice-that's
you;" and squealed out a little sallow-faced sandlapper
_-" More cowcumbers at this place!"
Old Sol. Slice was raised now.  "You infernal copper-coloured sneak! jist get rite up from that table!
You set there and holler as ef you paid fur yer dinner,'stead of some pusson giving it to you! Jist hist, and
take yourself off to that clay bank down thar!  You
wont be so much outen yer element thar, I reckin!
Will you go, -  you?"
Cowcumber sloped.
" Is them  your tums, Slice?" inquired Daly; "' 1
thought the turkey writ out-I want you awl to ete."'
"1 D-n you and the gobler too-I want awl to ete,
but derned ef he's to ete awl t He's ete three plates of
cowcumbers a'reddy."
"' Uncle Sol.,'7 now put in Lever, " don't you see yer
bill is wrong? Now take my advice and have it altered
by next mustering day; and I reckon you had better
begin it this evenin', for you know it's a mity teedjus
job."




A DAY AT SOL. SLICE'S.          175
"You ugly son of a gun!" muttered old Sol., going
off —c yer mother ought to'ave been ashamed of herself
to'ave had you; but, poor creetur, I reckin she couldn't
help it."
" Mr. Lever,' I asked, " why do these people always
speak of you as' ugly Bill Lever?' You do not think
yourself bad-looking, do you?"
"Well, kunnel, I used to blieve I was only toloble
good-looking, and remained in that blissful ignunce
twell I was proved to be the ugliest man in all Charleston: and sence that, ef thar are anything that I humps
myself on, it's my ugly."
"Proven to be the worst-looking man-how was
that? Tell me."
" I never said wost-lookin-I sed ugliest-wostlookin, the devil!  Well, I went to Charleston, with
brother Lije Lever —he's one of yer wost-lookin fellers-I'm  ugly.  As I was sayin', I went to town
with him; we tuck a load of poultry-we made a
right nice spec that trip, too. Well, arter we had laid
in some shugar, and coffee, and some necessaries, we
was
"c Stop!" interrupted Daly. "c What do you mean by
necessaries?"
", Licker.'
"' I thought so-go on.)"' Well, arter gitting them things, we started for home.
As we was comin' up King Street —"Stop!"  again interrupted  T)aly.  "CWho was
drivin'?'
" Brother Lije."




176           A DAY AT SOL. SLICE S.
1" Aha, and you was in the wagin on top the bar'], as
uzual."'
"C I was in the waggin. Ef you don't hush, Tim, I'll
quit. We had got a matter of about half-way up the
street, when a dandy, dressed in the hite of fashun, and
mounted on a blood bay hoss, came canterin' down
ahead of us. All at wunst he drawed up by the side
of Lije, and ses he,' I've found him at last.'
"' Found what?' sez Lije.
"' Why,' sez the dandy,' I'll bet you ten dollars you
are the ugliest man in Charleston.'
"Sez Lije, very coolly, sez he,' I never bets, mister;
but I'm not deservin' of that honour; I'll show you
what is;' and turning in his saddle to'ards me,'Poke
yer head out, Billy,' sez he. No sooner said than done:
I histed the waggin-sheet, and looked out on him. I
never did see a feller so sot back! There he stood a
gazin' at me —I thought he was demented. At last,
comin' too a little, he sez to me,' You need not git out,
my friend-yourface is sufficient to convince me. And,
though you didn't bet,' sez he, turnin' to Lije,' I think
you fully deserve the ten. Here it is. I thank you,
gentlemen, for the finest site that ever my eyes feasted
upon.  Good mornin';' and he rode off."
Here Lever ceased speaking, and fell to eating very
rapidly, as if he wished to make up for lost time.
"V Why don't you go on, Bill, and tell the kunnel
about the balance of that trip?" inquired Tim Daly.
"'Cause you kin do it as well as me, and I've got to
the innard man now."
" Kunnel, Bill don't like to tell this, for ef thar are




A DAY AT SOL. SLICERS.          177
anything he humps hisself on besides ugly, it is his manners among the fimmales, and I'll say it here before him;
he does please the gals fust rate. A grate beau is Bill.
The day he left Charleston he dipped inter that gin
bar'l putty freekwent, in konsequence of which he
was, as one might say, travellin' incogniter all that
evening.
" Well, next morning he wanted warter the worst
sort; so the fust house he comes to, he goes up to the
gate, and hollered,' Keeps house?' A tall man come
out and wanted to know his will.  Then it was he
stared. Did you ever see a greenhorn at a animal
show? Ef you has, then you kin have some idear of
the look he give Bill.
"'Could a body git some warter, ef you please?'
" The man stared afresh-so Bill began opening the
gate.
"'Stop, for heaven's sake,' sez the man;'I'll have
it brought to you.-Don't come in-my wife is in a
very delicut way, and the frite might cause a flustration.' "
" That's'a durned lie," shouted Lever.  "Come,
boys, let's go in among the gals-I hear the fiddle."
We then adjourned to the c" ball-room," which we
found crowded with dancers already on the floor.
"Come, kunnel," said Slice, "here is Miss Patsey
Jaggers, jest from town, and the best dancer in the
room: let me interduce you."
Sol. took my arm-led me across the room-and, in
all due form, presented me. I made my congee, and
solicited the " exquisite pleasure, the ecstatic delight,"




178           A DAY AT SOL. SLICERS.
&c., which she readily promised. We conversed about
"a town" and the people with whom she had there become acquainted.  I found her much more intelligent
than the girls one generally meets at such places.
"Take dem pardners, gemplemen," sung out Long
Ben, an old negro, who had fiddled for that " beat" for
the last quarter of a century. I immediately led out
Miss Patsey Jaggers, intending to take the c" head."
" Col. Slokuml,' said she, " I see it is well for you
[ came to-day; I know these people well. They do
not like strangers to take, what they call,. liberties-it
would be better, therefore, that we should be second,
rather than" first, in this reel; and you need not be very
precise in your steps; but if you know any negro
dances, fire asway at them!":
When a boy, the negroes, at their frolics on my father's plantation, had initiated me into all the " sleights"
of which their African legs were capable; and on this
day they stood me a good turn. When my time came,
therefore, I took " a hop, skip, and a jump " towards
my partner, " racked back on my hind feet a little," then
commenced "c the double shuffle," " pigeon.wing on the
floor," "de same in de ar," "Pete Jonson's knock,"
" the under cleets,' and other refined steps, " too numerous to mention;" and finally finished off on "1 old
trimble toes "-a rare and difficult movement.-I saw
that I had succeeded, for shouts of applause for "the
kunnel " came from all quarters of the room.  " Go it,
kunnel; you're a trump!    " Look at him, Jake!
what do you think of that?'  " Why, the man hain't
a bone in him!"  "He stands back on his hind feet
like a venison."  "s I wish I had him in my barn'; he'd




A DAY AT SOL. SLICE 5S.         179
tramp out wheat nice- and such other comments
caused me to hold high my haughty head.' Bill, now it's yer time," said our beef man.  "You
are allers good, but I has a faint idear that you has
here met yer ekal.'"
"Two to one on that,'" squealed out Cowcumber.
"I knows Bill well, and I'll go you an independent on
his beating yon feller bad."
Lever now began, with a smile on his ugly countenance, and —to my mortification-went through every
movement of mine with more ease; and in "casting
off" he even introduced a new step, which would be
as difficult to describe as to perform. He called it the
windin blades.
"' Never care, Col.," said my partner; "after this
reel, we will risk a waltz together: and my word for it,
you will yet win."
The truth is, I did feel miserable, and was impatient
to get through.-Immediately, therefore, after the others
had taken their seats, I asked Long Ben to play a
waltz. By a lucky chance he once had learned one:
and, as he drew his bow, I started off with my partner.
Round and around we went, to the astonishment of all,
they never having witnessed any thing of the kind.
Miss Patsey was a fine mover, and really one of the
most graceful waltzers I have ever seen. As for myself, I was delighted with the ease and action I displayed
on that occasion.
"Do not let it become too common," whispered my
fair one. I conducted her to a chair, now perfectly satisfied with my success.




180           A DAY AT SOL. SLICES.
"Demn is de best dat ever happunt in dis beat," said
Long Ben.
"Kunnel, you've won," said Lever, with a hangdog expression of countenance; "but I'm  one what
never yit did give up in a dance, of any kind: so, if I
kin git a gal, I'll try that lick."
After some persuasion he " got a gal," and, calling
on old Ben to " scrape them cat entrails," made an attempt, but found they could not get off. It was something like two unbroken colts when first put in harness;
they could not start together.  At last Bill bellowed
ou —C' Here's what never baulks," and began to turn,
pulling her after him. About the third evolution of this
kind, the gal's feet parted company with the floor, and
lifted themselves upon a level with her head. I only
saw a red petticoat, and-being a modest man —turned
my back upon this " pair of revolvers."  I could not,
however, stop my ears from the remarks of the old
woman.
"- Oh, my Lord!" shrieked old Mrs. Spraggs, " that's
too bad, to have a feller-creatur's legs a flyin' in that
stile."
" Yes," was the observation of that spiteful old
maid, Miss Jemima Clipps, "purticularly ef the fellercreetur's legs happun to be crooked. I would advise
all you young gals to look at yer legs before you undertake anything you ain't used to.  Crooked legs is
mity bad in them turnin' dances."
I knew, from the noise behind me, that Bill was
"keeping even along;" when suddenly the noise was
increased a thousand-fold; and on old Mrs. Spraggs
exclaiming "thar," I turned in time to see Lever




A DAY AT SOL. SLICERS.          181
stretched on the floor, and his gal just "' settling upon
him." Old Mrs. Spraggs,-kind-hearted old soul-ran
to her assistance, and while picking her up whispered, as
all old ladies do, so as to be heard by all-" Git up,
Sall, all these fellers couldn't a seed more ef you was
married to'em all."  The C gall " arose to her feet,
dealing blows, right and left, upon poor Bill —" Take
that, and that, for histin' me up before all these people,
you onmannerly, ugly piece of deformity."
"I beg pardon, Sall," pleaded Lever, "' I couldn't
help it-I wouldn't a done it ef I had knowed! you
knows I was on this eend of you and couldn't see
nuthin'."
The Amazon became doubly enraged at this, and
raising a chair, she threw it at Lever with such force,
that, had it done its errand, would have given him his
quietus. He adroitly avoided it, however, and escaped
through the door. She seemed perfectly satisfied with
this manly effort at redress; and in a short time looked
as if nothing had happened to disturb her peace of
mind.
Going into an adjoining room, I found Tim Daly
playing " old Sledge" with Cowcumber-five cents a
game. Fortune seemed to have favoured the sand-lapper, if one might judge from the number of pieces.at
his elbow. I stayed to watch the game. After a few
deals the luck turned. Cowcumber lost two or three
games, when, suddenly pressing both his hands upon
his stomach, he emitted some of the most piteous groans
that ever came from the breast of man.
" Aha, old feller, you want to come that same old
game on me, do you?"
AM




182           A DAY AT SOL. SLICE S.
" Oh, but, Tim, do let me go, now, I'll be back directly. I tuckt some ile this mornin', and that must be
attended to."
"No, I tell you, sir, ile or no ile, I don't kere what
you do with yourself-thar you sets twell I say you kin
git up; and I needn't be so purticular in my observations to you as to say, that won't be ontwell all that
pile comes back inter my hands. You've tricked me
before, and as I know yer derned herrin' belly don't
trouble you when you are winnin', I'm determined it
shan't pester you when yer loosing."
Tim made good his word; in half an hour he had
won it all, and that without an accident.
Thus the day was passed, in dancing, drinking, cardplaying, and fighting.  One' engagement" may be
mentioned. It was not fought on that day, however,
but spoken of by ": our beef-man."
About twelve o'clock that night, he, together with
two or three others, might have been seen seated on the
staircase.  Cowcumber was among their number.
They seemed to have had a " war talk."
"Talking about fightin'," says Beef, "aminds me
of a engagement what tuck place atween Joe Humphries and Sam Higgins once. I ain't a goying to tell
you'nother quarrel-that would take too long a time:
they was at it two years therseffs. Findally, howsomedever, they yoked at Spartinbug Court House. Now,
you what hain't the faintest idear of what fightin' is,
won't b'lieve what I'm bout to, norate. But, as I was
a sayin', they yoked, and they fit, and they fit, and I do
reckin, in all their backin's and forrerdin's they kivered
nigh two acres of ground. Hit was floatin' in blood!




A DAY AT SOL. SLICE S.           183
You might a githered a half a gallon of years, and
thumbs) and fingers, and noses!   They would bite
pieces outen one another and spit'em out agin, and
take a fresh holt, and when they let that go the piece
would be in ther mouth. They had been fitin' one
solid hour, when I got sick and quit the field."
( Which whoopt," inquired Cowcumber.
" I don't know, I left'em fightin'! the last I heared
from thar they was fightin', and I do reckin ther at it
yet-its a vinemous fite."
" Who is he," I asked of Lever.
"' Why, that's Jack Woodruff-he's the derndest,
biggest, onremittentest liar from  Charleston to  the
mountings!'




CUPPING ON THE STERNUM.
BY H. C. L. OF MISSISSIPPI.
A new-fledged disciple of A/sculapius is the writer of the following sketch, in which is displayed, in bold relief, one of
1" the ills which flesh is heir to," when subjected to the tender
mercies of inexperienced medical practitioners. As H. C. L.,
like "The Razor-Strop-Man," has "a few more left, of the
same sort," we trust when he reads this paragraph he will
forthwith set to work and give us some more extracts from
" The Diary of a Young Physician."
I HAD been a student of medicine about three weeks,
and had got as far as cupping, cathartics, and castor oil,
in the noble science of physic, when, as I was sitting in
the office, investigating by induction the medicinal properties of a jar of tamarinds, I received a note from my
preceptor which ran thus:"' Mr. L.-You will please take the large cups and
scarificator, together with a large blister, up to Mr. J..
and cup his negro girl Chaney very freely over the
sternum; after you have cupped her, apply the blister
over the same, as she has inflammation of the lungs."
In anatomy, the sternum is that portion of the osseous
system known in common parlance as the " breast
bone," but at that time I was ignorant of the fact. I
had not studied anatomy, and in my ignorance and sim184




CUPPING ON THE STERNUM.          185
plicity of heart, imagined that the doctor wanted her to
be cupped and blistered "a posteriori," or in other
words, over the "seat," and that he had put the "urn"
to the "stern" in the note, merely for sport, or, it might
have been the Latin termination of the word " stern."
Filled with a sense of the delicacy and momentous
import of my duty, I provided myself with the necessaries, and proceeded to cup Chaney on the sternum.
By way of parenthesis, let me create an idea of my
patient, so that you may appreciate the field of my
operation.
Just imagine a butcher's block five feet long and four
feet through at the butt, converted into a fat bouncing
negro wench, with smaller blocks appended for limbs,
and you will have a faint conception of the figure and
proportions of the delectable portion of humanity upon
whom my curative capabilities were to be exhibited.
" How are you to-day, Chaney?" said I, as entering
the cabin of my patient, I stood before her.
" Oh, massa young doctor," said she, "I does feel'mazing bad -the mis'ry in my bosom almost broke
my heart; I can scasely perspere," (re-spire, I suppose
she meant, as, judging from the big drops which, like
ebony beads, chased each other down her gleaming
neck, I thought that she perspired beautifully.)
" I' am very sorry to hear it, Chaney; the doctor has
sent me up here to cup and blister you, and I hope it
will relieve you entirely."' "Well, the Lord's will and the doctor's be done;
this anguished sister be's ready"-and she proceeded
to divest her bosom of its concealments, thinking that
she had to be cupped over the slat of the pain; but it




186         CUPPING ON THE STERNUM.
was a different seat than that, which my cups were destined to exhaust the atmosphere from.
c" Stop, Chaney, I was not told to cup you on the
breast, but on the sternum, so you'll have to turn over!"
"( What!" shrieked she, rising straight up in the bed,
a great deal whiter in the face than she had been for
many a day; " you cup me on de starn!  Massa
young doctor, tell me, for de lub of prostituted'inanity,
is you in airnest?  Oh no, certainly, you is just joking
-just making'musement of de'stresses of dis female!"
" No, Chaney, there is no mistake. The doctor says
you must be cupped there, and it must and shall be
done, so get ready."
cc Oh, massa doctor, you must be mistaken-you must
indeed!  De pain no dere, but in my breast!  How
cupping dere goin' cure pain in de breast, eh? Tell
me dat!"'" Well, Chaney, I don't know that I can do that,
exactly, but I suppose it will be by sympathy.  You
know the stern and the bosom are not many feet apart.
Any how, I am going to cup you there, if I have to call
in help, so you had better consent."
Chaney, seeing that there was no retreat, agreed at
last to the operation.  Click! click! went the scarificator, and amidst the shouts of the patient and my awful
solicitude for fear I might cut an artery, the " deed was
did."  But no blood flowed, nothing but grease, which
trickled out slowly like molasses out of a worm hole.
I saw that the cups were too infatuated to draw blood
from that quarter, so I removed them and applied the
blister, and I expect fly-ointment was in demand about
that time.




II               -     ~-   ~      -~               -_____: —__-__ —-__-_"___"______"___;______/_____
~I                                                  j:                                                                                            I,,,~l, ~ ~ ~    ~      ~ ~ ~ ~ ~'I'::~I.:=~-5        -                                                                                                               ""''"' 
('ll lt{l
IL                                                                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7       ~          (jII -r








CUPPING ON THE STERNUM.           187
When the doctor returned, after an absence of several hours, he found the patient entirely relieved, and a
blister drawn with about a tubful of water in its interior.
I reckon she used chairs mighty little for a few weeks,
and she hated the idea of the operation so bad that she
burnt up a bran new dress just because it was bumbazine,
and reminded her, by the first syllable, of the seat of
"( Cupping on the Sternum."




A BEAR STORY.
BY THE LATE WM. P. HAWES  ESQ., OF NEW  YORK.
We have in a previous page alluded'to the popularity of the
author of the following story, as a humorous prose writer.
Any article over the signature of " J. Cypress, jr.," was regarded with as much interest as that of "' Boz." The following sketch gives a good idea of his peculiar style. We must
premise that the scene of the story annexed was a fishing-hut
on Fire Island, (a few miles from Long Island,) where a select
sporting party were spending the night. The conversation
which introduces Venus Raynor's story of the bear, refers to the
" Shark Story," published in previous pages of this volume.
"WHAT an infernal lie!" growled Daniel.
"' Have my doubts;" suggested the somnolent Peter
Probasco, with all the solemnity of a man who knows
his situation; at the same time shaking his head and
spilling his liquor.
"Ha! ha! ha!  Ha! ha! ha!" roared all the rest of
the boys together.
"Is he done?" asked Raynor Rock.
"How  many shirks was there?"' cried long John,
putting in his unusual lingual oar.
" That story puts me in mind," said Venus Raynor,
4' about what I've heerd tell on Ebenezer Smith, at the
188




A BEAR STORY.              189
time he went down to the North Pole on a walen'
voyage."
"Now look out for a screamer,' laughed out Raynor
Rock, refilling his pipe. "Stand by, Mr. Cypress, to
let the sheet go."
"Is there any thing uncommon about that yarn,
Venus?"
" Oncommon! well, I expect it's putty smart and
oncommon for a man to go to sea with a bear, all alone,
on a bare cake of ice. Captain Smith's woman used
to say she couldn't bear to think on't."
" Tell us the whole of that, Venus," said Ned," that is, if it is true. Mine was-the whole of it,although Peter has his doubts."
"I can't tell it as well as Zoph can; but I've no'jections to tell it my way, no how. So, here goesthat's great brandy, Mr. Cypress."  There was a gurgling sound of " something-to-take," running.'" Well, they was down into Baffin's Bay, or some
other o' them cold Norwegen bays at the north, where
the rain freezes as it comes down, and stands up in the
air, on winter mornens, like great mountens o' ice, all
in streaks. Well, the schooner was layen at anchor,
and all the hands was out into the small boats, looken
for wales,-all except the capting, who said he wa'n't
very well that day. Well, he was walken up and down,
on deck, smoken and thinking, I expect, mostly, when
all of a sudden he reckoned he see one o' them big
white bears —polar bears, you know —big as thunder —
with long teeth.  He reckoned he see one on'emn
sclumpen along on a great cake o' ice, that lay on the




190              A BEAR STORY.
leeward side of the bay, up agin the bank. The old
capting wanted to kill one o' them varments most wonderful, but he never lucked to get a chance. Now
tho', he thought, the time had come for him to walk
into one on'em at laast, and fix his mutton for him right.
So he run forrad and lay hold *onto a small skiff, that
was layen near the forc'stal, and run her out and
launched her. Then he tuk a drink, and-here's luckand put in a stiff load of powder, a couple of balls,
and jumped in, and pulled away for the ice.
"It wa'n't long'fore he got'cross the bay, for it was
a narrer piece o' water-not more than haaf a mile
wide-and then he got out on to the ice. It was a
smart and large cake, and the bear was'way down to
the tother end on it, by the edge o' the water. So, he
walked fust strut along, and then when he got putty
cloast he walked'round catecorned-like-likes's if he
was drivin for a plain plover-so that the bear would'nt
think he was comen arter him, and he dragged himself
along on his hands and knees, low down, mostly. Well,
the bear didn't seem to mind him none, and he got up
within'bout fifty yards on him, and then he looked so
savage and big-the bear did-that the captain stopped
and rested on his knees, and put up his gun, and he
was agoin to shoot. But just then the bear turned round
and snuffed up the captin-just as one of Lif's hounds
snuffs up an old buck, Mr. Cypress, —and begun to
walk towards him, slowly like. He come along, the
captin said, clump, clump, very slow, and made the ice
bend and crack again under him, so that the water come
up and putty much kivered it all over. Well, there




A BEAR STORY.                191
the captin was all the time squat on his knees, with his
gun pinted, waiten for the varment to come up, and his
knees and legs was mighty cold by means of the water
that the bear riz on the ice as I was mentionen.  At
last the bear seemed to make up his mind to see how
the captin would taste, and so he left off walkin slow,
and started off on a smart and swift trot, right towards
the old man, with his mouth wide open, roaren, and his
tail sticken out stiff.  The captain kept still, looken out
all the time putty sharp, I should say, till the beast got
within about ten yards on him, and then he. let him
have it.  He aimed right at the fleshy part of his heart,
but the bear dodged at the flash, and rared up, and the
balls went into his twb hind legs, just by the jynt, one
into each, and broke the thigh bones smack off, so that
he went right down aft, on the ice, thump, on his hind
quarters, with nothen standen but his fore legs, and his
head riz up, a growlen at the captin.  When the old
man see him down, and tryen to slide along the ice to
get his revenge, likely, thinks he to himself, thinks he, 1
might as well get up and go and cut that ere creter's
throat. So he tuk out his knife and opened it. But
when he started to get up, he found, to his astonishment, that he was fruz fast to the ice.  Don't laugh:
it's a fact; there an't no doubt.  The water, you see,
had been round him a smart and long while, whilst he
was waiten for the bear, and it's wonderful cold in them
regions, as I was sayen, and you'll freeze in a minit if
you don't keep moven about smartly. So the captin he
strained first one leg, and then he strained tother, but
he couldn't move'em none. They was both fruz fast




192               A BEAR STORY.
into the ice, about an inch and a half deep, from knee
to toe, tight as a Jersey oyster perryauger on a mud
flat at low water. So he laid down his gun, and looked
at the bear, and doubled up his fists.' Come on, you
bloody varmint,' says the old man, as the bear swalloped
along on his hinder eend, comen at him.  He kept
getten weaker, tho', and comen slower and slower all
the time, so that at last, he didn't seem to move none;
and directly, when he'd got so near that the captin
could jist give him a dig in the nose by reachen forrard
putty smart and far, the captin see that the beast was
fruz fast too, nor he coudn't move a step further forrard
no ways.  Then the captin burst out a laughen, and
clapped his hands dlovwn on to his thighs, and roared.
The bear seemed to be most onmighty mad at the old
man's fun, and set up such a growlen that what should
come to pass, but the ice cracks and breaks all around
the captin and the bear, down to the water's edge, and
the wind jist then a shiften, and comen off shore, away
they floated on a cake of ice about ten by six, off to
sea, without the darned a biscot or a quart o' liquor to
stand'emn on the cruise! There they sot, the bear and
the captin, just so near that when they both reached
forrads, they could jist about touch noses, and nother
one not able to move any part on him, only excepten
his upper part and fore paws."
"' By jolly! that was rather a critical predicament,
Venus," cried Ned, buttoning his coat. "' I should have
thought that the captain's nose and ears and hands
would have been frozen too."
" That's quite naytr'l to suppose, sir, but you see the




A BEAR STORY.               193
bear kept him warm in the upper parts, by being sot
cloast to him, and breathen hard and hot on the old
man whenever he growled at him.  Them polar bears
is wonderful hardy animals, and has a monstrous deal
o' heat into'em, by means of their bein able to stand
such cold climates, I expect. And so the captin knowed
this, and whenever he felt chilly, he just tuk his ramrod
and stirred up the old rascal, and made him roar and
squeal, and then the hot breath would come pouren out
all over the captin, and made the air quite moderat and
pleasant."
"Well, go on, Venus. Take another horn first."
" Well, there a'nt much more on't. Off they went
to sea, and sometimes the wind druv'em nothe, and
then agin it druv'em southe, but they went southe
mostly; and so it went on until they were out about
three weeks.  So at last, one afternoon"" But, Venus, stop: tell us, in the name of wonder,
how did the captain contrive to support life all this
time?"'" Why, sir, to be sure, it was a hard kind o' life to
support, but a hardy man will get used to almost"" No, no: what did he eat? what did he feed on?"
" O —O —I'd liked to've skipped that ere. Why,
sir, I've heerd different accounts as to that. Uncle Obe
Verity told me he reckoned the captin cut off one of
the hear's paws, when he lay stretched out asleep, one
day, with his jack-knife, and sucked that for fodder,
and they say there's a smart deal o' nourishment in a
white bear's foot. But if I may be allowed to spend
my'pinion, I should say my old man's account is the




194               A BEAR STORY.
rightest, and that's-what's as follows. You see after
they'd been out three days abouts, they begun to grow
kind o' hungry, and then they got friendly, for misery
loves company, you know; and the captin said the
bear looked at him several times, very sorrowful, as
much as to say,' Captin, what the devil shall we do?
Well, one day they was sitten looken at each other, with
the tears ready to burst out o' their eyes, when all of a
hurry, somethin come floppen up out o' the water onto
the ice.  The captin looked and see it was a seal. The
bear's eyes kindled up as he looked at it, and then, the
captin said, he giv him a wink to keep still. So there
they sot, still as starch, till the seal not thinken nothin
o' them no more nor if they was dead, walked right up
between'em. Then slump! went down old whitey's
nails into the fish's flesh, and the captin run his jackknife into the tender loin.  The seal soon got his bitters,
and the captin cut a big hunk off the tail eend, and put
it behind him, out o' the bear's reach, and then he felt
smart and comfortable, for he had stores enough for a
long cruise, though the bear couldn't-say so much for
himselif.
" Well, the bear, by course, soon run out o' provisions, and had to put himself onto short allowance; and
then he begun to show his natural temper. He first
stretched himself out as far as he could go, and tried to
hook the captin's piece o' seal, but when he found he
couldn't reach that, he begun to blow and yell. Then
he'd rare up and roar, and try to get himself clear -from
the ice. But mostly he rared up and roared, and
pounded his big paws and head upon the ice, till by



A BEAR STORY.               195
ai,2.-by (jist as the captin said he expected) the ice
cracked in two agin, and split right through between
the bear and the captin and there they was on two
different pieces o' ice, the captin and the bear! The
old man said he raaly felt sorry at parten company, and
when the cake split and separate, he cut off about a
haaf o' pound o' seal and chucked it to the bear. But
either because it wan't enough for him, or else on account o' his feelen bad at the captin's goen, the beast
wouldn't touch it to eat it, and he laid it down, and
growled and moaned over it quite pitiful. Well, off
they went, one one way, and t'other'nother way,.both
feel'n pretty bad, I expect. After a while the captin
got smart and cold, and felt mighty lonesome, and he
said he raaly thought he'd a gi'n in and died, if they
hadn't pick'd him up that arternoon."
"' Who picked him up, Venus?"' Who? a codfish craft off o' Newfoundland, I
expect. They didn't know what to make o' him when
they first see him slingen up his hat for'em. But they
got out all their boats, and took a small swivel and a
couple o' muskets aboard, and started off-expecten it
was the sea-sarpent, or an old maremaid. They woudn't
believe it was a man, until he'd told'em all about it,
and then they didn't hardly believe it nuther; and they
cut him out o' the ice and tuk him aboard their vessel,
and rubbed his legs with ile o' vitrol; but it was a long
time afore they come to."
"Didn't they hurt him badly in cutting him out,
Venus?"
"No, sir, I believe not; not so bad as one migh




1 96             A BEAR 8loYV.
s'pose: for you see he'd been stuck in so long, that the
circulaten on his blood had kind o' rotted the ice that
was right next to him, and when they begun to cut, it
crack'd off putty smart and easy, and he come out
whole like a hard biled egg."
" What became of the bear?"
" Can't say as to that, what became o' him. He went
off to sea somewheres, I expect. I should like to know,
myself, how the varment got along right well, for it was
kind in him to let the captin have the biggest haaf o'
the seal, any how. That's all, boys. How many's
asleep?"




PLAYING'" POKER" IN ARKANSAS,
In which is showa, that if walls have ears, they mlay have voicee.
BY A RESIDENT OF THAT C6 NECK OF TIMBER.))
The Arkansas "Intelligencer," published at Van Buren, is not
only extremely well edited, but it numbers among its correspondents some of the cleverest men west of the Mississippi.
The gentlemen alluded to are occasional contributors to the
-" Spirit of the Times," which boasts of " a baker's dozen"
of them, including " N. of Arkansas," an Ex-Governor,
Albert Pike, the famous " Col. Pete Whitstone of the Devil's
Fork of the Little Red," and other celebrities in the literary
and sporting world.
ANY one who may have had the good fortune to have
laid eyes on the C" Chart of this Neck of Timber," drawn
from actual surveys, and presented, in conformity with
a resolution of the Kraked Klub of Fort Gibson, to
" Old Festivity, president of the Miystic Club of Van
Buren,"-we say good fortune to have laid eyes on one
of those charts, for there is very few in existence, and
those zealously preserved by the lucky possessors thereof, must have noticed the locality of the "Prairie Store,"
situated on a commanding eminence about one mile east
of south fiom the fort. To that spot we wish to direct
the attention of the reader.
The " Prairie Store," owned by IMr.,has been
long occupied by the owner as a mercantile establish
ment. The building itself is of considerable dimensions,
N                                  197




198      PLAYING  c POKIER9 IN ARKANSAS~
built of logs neatly put together, pointed and whitewashed, whilst a number of scattered out-houses, sIuch
as kitchens, barns, stables, and the like, lend to the tout
ensemble quite a village-like appearance. Among the
several out-houses connected with aqid situated directly
in the rear of the 1" Store," is one used formerly and
for a length of time as a bakery. This one had been
rented and recently fitted up as a gambling-house, by
an individual of sporting or rather gambling notoriety,
generally known throughout the county under the soubriquet of Cherokee Brown.
The building was composed of two rooms, one in
which Mr. B's. trickcs were most imposingly spread upon
a stationary table at one end, with barely a sufficiency
of space between it and the wall, for that gentleman to
sit whilst in the pursuit of his profession. The room
was lined with clap boards, of which material the entire
building was composed, with a low incapacious loft
overhead, which was the locale of his sleeping apartment, the entrance to which lay through a square hole
in the ceiling of the adjoining room.
For the purpose intended, this spot was most admirably
chosen; for situated as it is, very nearly in the centre
of the neighbourhood, and surrounded as it was, at inconsiderable distances, with quite a number of Board
Taverns and Groceries, the a" Prairie Store" has become
the rendezvous of the denizens and sojourners of this
" Nick of Timber."'
We are quite partial to the antique, and have ever
held in high veneration the quaint old maxiins which
have been handed down to us since the " good old days
of Adam and Eve,'" and there is one among those wise




PLAYING. C POKER ) IN ARKANSAS.     199
old sayings which reads, if we do not greatly mistake,
" Give the devil his due," the charity of which we are
in nowise inclined to contest or oppose; and are, therefore, quite willing to admit that much credit is most
certainly due the dashy projector of the scheme, for the
tact he displayed both in the choice of locality and the
various tricks devised to avoid the prolixity of a wellcontested game, to enhance the chances inhis favour,
and to transfer with more ease and rapidity any moneys
from the pockets of his customeirs to those of his own.
Among other tricks devised by the gentleman of the
sombre appellation, that of the trumpet deserves to be
recorded.
The mechanism of the trumpet was such as at once
to announce in its originator no inconsiderable knowledge of the philosophy of sounds.  From the loft over
the gambling-roomn, and leading along the floor, and
downwards between the weather-boarding and ceiling,
to a point about four feet from the ground, and directly
in rear of the chair usually occupied by B., a tube of an
inch diameter was arranged.  Several small holes in the
ceiling gave to a person above the opportunity of perceiving, at a glance, the contents of the hands of those
whose backs were towards him, whilst the lowest
whisper through the tube was conducted with the
utmost distinctness to the ear of him who occupied ihe
chair, and yet could not be heard one foot beyond. Of
course B. required an accomplice for the successful prosecution of the game, and with a most efficient one was
he provided, who will be introduced to the reader in his
proper place.  Such was the mechanism of the trumpet,
the star invention of the age. Every thing had been




200       PLAYING- s POKER{'T IN ARKANSAS.
most artfully prepared, and a game was only wanting to
prove its efficiency. Happily they had not long to
await, but were soon accommodated, and in the end
received more than they had bargained for.
On a certain evening towards the close of last September, a large crowd of sporting characters, as was
usual, had gathered at the "' store," among whom was
a sturdy native of the mountain districts of the s" Old
North State'" over six feet in perpendicular measurement, and of uncommon bone and sinew; he looked
any thing but his name, which by that singular license
of nomenclature that indiscriminately gives dark names
to fair people, and mechanical ones to any thing but ar
tizans, had allotted him the buoyant name of Cork. Faro
had been the order of the day, but on the approach of
night, Brown had bantered the hardy mountaineer, who
was said to be a brag player, for a game of poker,
which was instantly taken up.
After the usual supper hour, the two retired to the
gambling room, and locking themselves in, were soon
deep into the mysteries by pairs and flushes.  The
game terminated at a late hour, considerably in favour
of Cork.  The next day the game was continued, but
now, contrary to all precedents, luck was a dead letter,
and science yielded to art.  Cork was beat from the
commencement. The strongest cards which fell to his
hand yielded but the bare ante, whilst no brag of his
remained uncoiled when his opponent was superior.
Suspecting some trick was being played upon him, he
racked his brains to discover the secret.  The cards
were minutely examined, and every motion of his antagonist narrowly scrutinized, but in vain; till at length




PLAYING CC POKER' IN ARKANSAS.      201
miaking a large brag on no pair, he observed Brown
lean back in his chair, his head resting against the wall
as though he was deliberating within himself the policy
of calling and the probability of winning. At that moment a vague and indescribable thought flashed across
his mind.' Fifty dollars better, you say?" observed Brown.
" There's the money, you can see for yourself."': W ell," said Brown, hesitatingly, " I call."' No pair," said Cork.' No pair," returned Brown.
" You beat me, I know."' I've nothing but a single king," observed Brown.
"That beats me, but by G-d I'll find out this trick,
or die in my tracks!" vociferated Cork, at the same
time drawing forth his bowie-knife and'rising from his
chair.
Satisfied within himself that he had been tricked, his
suspicions were directed over head. The first room
was narrowly searched, and then the adjoining one,
and then his attention was immediately directed to the
square aperture in the loft, which was at the time
closed with hay, as though that portion of the building
was filled with the particular commodity. Unhesitatingly
he mounted, easily removing the little hay that lay over
the hole, which was indeed only used as a blind, and
ascended to the loft.  Profound darkness reigned there
aliove, and while groping his way to the opposite end
of the house, he stumbled against the body of some
person, who, like a sleeping man when disturbed, turned
over on his back, and went, accordingly, through all'tbc
preliminary steps of returning consciousness.




202       PLAYING "'POKER)'7 IN ARKANSAS.
"c Who in the h-l are you, and what are you doing
here?"
" Why, it's me, Rothrock, I was up till day-break,
and stole up here to take a nap," groaned that individual, who is too well known throughout all this neck
of woods to make a description of him at all needful.
" But what's the matter with you, Cork?"
"I've been tricked, and I am right after unravelling, it!"'
By degrees, his eyes becoming accustomed to the
darkness, he perceived the tin tube which lay along the
floor, leading to the wall, and downwards. To tear
it from the floor, and trace it to its termination was the
work of but a few seconds.  During this time, however, Brown having an eye to his own'individual merit
and corporeal safety, had decamped with his money
and his faro tools, and deposited them at the ",store."
Soon after, Cork sallied from the house, bearing in his
arms several yards of tin pipe, which he amused himself chopping up, to the great edification of the crowd.
Rothrock, too, emerged from his den, and arming himself with something similar to a blunderbuss, had reiired to a room adjoining the store. Cork having made
a finish of the pipe, and his rage still unabated, looked
around him for something else whereon to vent his fury.
Recollecting Rothrock, and satisfied he was B.'s accomplice, he broke of in pursuit, and discovering that indidual, he seized him by the throat and dashed him to
the earth, and notwithstanding the coward's reiterated
prayers for mercy, kicked and cuffed him to his heart's
content.
Brown reappeared in the scene armed cap-&-pie, and




PLAYING CC POKER A IN ARKANSAS.      203
murder might have ensued had not some person interposed, and proposed that each party should abide the
decision of three umpires.'I'he proposition was acceded to, and three individuals selected, who, upon
consultation, decided that the affair should terminate in
Brown's refunding to Cork an amount sufficient to
place him as he stood at the beginning of the game.
Brown, being glad to get off without bones being
broken, came to the conclusion that it would be wise to
emigrate, and went off at strides of about nine and a
half feet to the lay down and picked it up like rats
fighting, and has not been heard of since.
THE END,