Popular Books
By "B3RICX" POMIEHROY.
SENSE-A Book for Hearts and Homes, $1.50.
NONSENSE-A Book of Humorous Sketches, $1.50.
POMEROY PICTURES OF NEW YORK. [In Pres&] $1.50.
LIFE OF " BRICK " POMEROY, with Steel Portrait, $1.50.
These books are all illustrated, are among the most
popular books of the day, are beautifully
printed and bound, and will be
sent by mail FREE, on
wrecit of price,
BY
Carleton, Publishers
New York. 




NONSENSE,
OR
Hits and Criticisms on the Follies of the Day
BY
"BRICK" POMEROY,
(Mlor of a La Croes, Wi&X Demoora.)
WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY J. H. HOWARD.
NEW YORK:
G. W. Carleton & Co., Publishers.
LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.
MDOcCLXX.




Entered according to Act of Congress, In the year 1868, by
G. W. CARLETON & CO.,
In the Olerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
Southern District of New York.
THE NEW YORK PRENTING COMPANY,
8x, 83, and 85 Centre Street,
NEW YORL




Otebiration.
READER I THIS VOLUME IS DEDICATED TO YOU.
IF IT RBAISES A MILE, DRIVES CARE FROM YOUR HEART EVEN FOR
AN HOUR, AND MAKES YOU BETTER NATURED,
I am content.
IF YOU CAN WRITE A WORSE BOOK, DON'T DO IT! IF YOU CAX
WRITE A BETTER ONE, DO IT QUICKLY FOR THE
EDIFICATION OF
" BICK " POMEROY,








CONTENTS.
CHAPTR                                                           PdAGI
I.-Our First Exoercise In Skating........................... 11
IL-Science of Kissing..................     17
III.-Mosquitoes on a Bender................................ 21
IV.-My Milkmaid Miranda....................................29
V.-My Experience at a New England Sewing-Circle I......... 88
VI.-Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship....................... 48
VII.-Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut...............,........... 56
VILI.-B-o -s-t-o-n-!.............................................. 68
IX.-How I lost Aurelia................................ 71
X.-The Dog-Gondest Dog........g.................. 84
XI. —Peter Oleum struck by " Brick."......................... 94
XII.-Teutonic Anguish.................................   104
XIII. —" Brick" and the Deacon's Hexa.......................... 109
XIV.-Cure for a Cold............................ 122
XV.-" Brick" Pomeroy sends the President his Ann-Alice......   128
XVI. —" Brick" and Kalista............................... 138
XVIL-" Brick " Pomeroy's Evening with Arlon.............. 14
XVIII. —" Brick " Pomeroy's Experience at Niagara Falls.......... 155
XIX. —" Brick" Pomeroy Skateth at the Central Park............ 168
XX. —Boston Betsey's " Brick," or " Brick's" Betsey........... 176
XXI. —How to Buy Oil Lands................................... 18
XXII.-A Chicken Suit.....................................          205
XXIII.-As a Pic-Nic-ist...                                          209
XXIV.-" Brick" and the School-Marms......................   219
XXV.-Wisconsin School-Marm Convention...................... 232
XXVI.-The Fun of Sleighing..............................245
XXVII.-Slobbering Parties-for the Heathen!..................... 254
XXVIII.-Wonderful Hair Reproducer................'........ 269
JXXIX.-The Dickens....................6.........6








AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
IN the first place I did not write this Book.
It was printed.
And the reason I wrote it was simply this:
In 1817 my father owned a large peach-orchard in New
Jersey. At the same time he owned a yoke of oxen, and
a large covered wagon. The wagon was covered by a
shed. A simple shed of excellent habit, inasmuch as it
covered the wagon.
At this time my uncle lived in Canada, adjoining the
town nearest the one he resided in. He owned a span of
horses and a garden.  It was a covered garden, covered
by weeds.
There was not then, and it is safe to presume there is
not now any other resemblance between the wagon of my
father and the garden of my uncle, than the fact that each
was covered.
Why this was so I never knew, as the nurse left the
day beforehand, so I determined to adopt the wisest course,
thinking it would be the best. The result was all I wished,
and more.
In 1821, the physician moved away, and left the place.
My father determined to bind me out as an apprentice to a
fine old gentleman whose daughter was in love with a
young man who lived with his father down the river
which in the spring-time was so swollen by the rains that
it was important not to cross it except in a skiff tied to a
buttonwood tree by a chain which cost five dollars at the
hardware store on the corner of the street in the village
where each Sabbath morning the minister told his many
congregation which would have been larger had it not been
for the habit so many people had of staying away from all
places of good instruction without which not a single person in the village would have been safe for a moment from
the members of a band of desperadoes whose retreat was
in the bowels of a huge mountain, on whose healthy sides
1*




10             Author's Preface.
the birds sang all the day long as if to remind the weary
passer-by that in all well-regulated families there exists a
cause for the effect be it great like the late war which
was a fearful struggle on both sides for the original position
held by the covered wagon of my father.
Who can wonder at the infatuation of the youth when
he saw his own true love in the power of the Indian whose
scalping-knife hung suspended from a tree over the grave
where a small picket fence had been erected by a boy who
saw the fire burst forth devouring in an hour the fruit of a
lifetime of toil which unrewarded leaves no recompense
to strengthen the soul of man as he wars with evils that
beset the path which led to the trysting-tree which had by
this time been cut down to make room for a large hotel
where the sound of revelry by night was heard booming
over the still waters of the lake as the moon shone down
upon the sailor-boy stood on a burning deck I
At this moment the breeching gave way and the horse
plunged over the precipice, which at this point ran nearly
a thousand cubic feet into the cave where the serpent had
taken refuge from the coming storm which threatened to
burst forth and destroy the entire plan of the temple on
which if the workmen had been employed to save the
child ere it struck, the bottom of the well down which the
bucket descended bringing up the purest ice-water rivalling the alabaster neck of the wounded sufferer whose
death happened to plunge the entire city in mourning.
The reader will see. at a glanfce that from this moment,
none of us were to blame as the events mentioned will
prove.
P.S.-If this preface does not suit, the resignation of the
reader will be accepted whenever he visits the sanctum of
the author where the following pages were written merely
for that
"Little nonsense now and then,
Is relished by the wisest men."
Humorously thine,
"BRICK" POMEROY.
SANoTur: La Crose, Wie., 1867.








IW-I
MdkerceSe/ n'ot a bi t f, itd




NONSENSE.
CHAPTER I.
OUR FInT EXERCISE IN SKATING.
IGHT beneath one of our windows, from
morn till midnight, we see youngsters
and oldsters twisting their legs into
all conceivable shapes, skating up and down the
river merry as lambs. We cannot pick up a
paper but an article on "skating" meets the
eye. Everybody says it's fun, and that's all
everybody knows about it, for we've tried it.
Last night, about gas-light time, after reading




12      O'             i
a glowing description of life on skates, we pro.
pared for our first attempt, and sallied forth
to join the merry crowd. We had on a pair
of stoga boots, trousers-legs tucked inside, a
Robert-tailed coat, and white hat. We went
down on the ice, and gave a boy two shillings in
good coin of the realm for the use of his implernents. We have confidence, even as great as
Peter's faith. We, with the assistance of a friend,
fixed on the skates and stood erect like a barber's
pole. Encouraged by the sight of some ladies on
the bridge, who were just then looking at the
skaters, we struck out. A slant to the right with
the right foot, a slant to the left with the left
foot, and just then we saw something on the ice
and stooped over to pick it up! l On our feet
again-two slants to-the right and one to the left,
accompanied with a loss of confidence. Another
stride with the right foot, and we sat down with
fearful rapidity, and very little if any elegance!
What a set-down it was, for we made a dent




Our First Exercise in Skating.  13
in the ice not unlike a Connecticut butterbowl.
Just then one of the ladies remarked, "Oh,
look, Mary, that feller with the white hat ain't
got his skates on the right place!"  Ditto,
thought we. Just then a ragged little devil sang
out, as he glided past us: " Hallo, old timber
legsl " and we arose suddenly and put after him,
and away went our legs —one to the east and the
other to the west-causing an immense fissure in
our pants and another picture of a butter-tray in
the cold-oh, how cold! —ice! Then the lady
again spoke, and said, "Oh, look, Mary, that
chap with the white hat has sat down on his
handkerchief to keep from taking cold!" We
rose about as gracefully as a saw-horse, when
Mdary said, " Guess'taint a handkerchief, Jane,"
and Mary was right. It wan't a handkerchief —
not a bit of it. Just then a friend came along
and proffered us his coat-tail as a "'steadier."
We accepted the continuation of his garment,




14     Our First Exercise in Skating.
and up the river we went, about ten rods, when
a shy to the right by the leader, caused us, the
wheel-horse, to scoot off on a tangent, heels up I
But the ice is very cold this season!
We tried it again. A glide one way, a glide
and a half the other, when whack came our bump
of philoprogenitiveness on the ice, and we saw
millions of stars dancing around us, like ballet
girls at the Bowery Theatre. How that shock
went through our system, and up and down our
spinal column! Lightning couldn't have corkscrewed it down a greased sapling with greater
speed or more exhilarating effect.  Boardinghouse butter nor warranty deed could have struck
any stronger than we did-and a dozen ladies
looking at us and our fissured pants!
"Hallo, old cock!" sang out that ragged imp
again, and we there helpless. Soon we got up
and made another trial with better success. Perhaps we had skated, in our peculiar style, fifteen
feet, when a blundering chap came up behind,




Our First Exeroise in Skating.   15
and we sat down, with our tired head pillowed in
his lap, and he swearing at us, when it was all
his fault! How cold the ice was there, tool
Every spot where we made our debut on the ice,
oh, how cold it was! Our nice bear-skin was no
protection at all. We tried again, for the papers
all say it's fun, and down' came our RomanGrecian nose on the cold julep material, and the
little drops of crimson ran down our shirt-bosom,
and on to the cold ice I
Once more we tried skating-made for the
shore-sat down and counted damages.  Two
shillings in cash thrown away; seven lateral and
one " fronternal " bumps on the ice; one immense
fissure in as handsome a pair of ten-dollar cassimeres as a man ever put his legs in; one rupture
in the knee, extending to the bone; four buttons
from our vest; a fragmented watch-crystal, and a
back-ache big enough to divide among the children of Israel! If you catch us on the smooth,
glassy, chilling, freezing, treacherous, deceitful,




16      Our Fimrst Exercise in Skating.
slippery, and slip-uppery ice again, you'll know
it! If any one ever hears of our skating again,
they will please draw on us at sight for the bivalves and accompanying documents. We have
got through. It's a humbug! It's a vexation of
spirit, of business, of flesh, and tearer of trousers I
It's a head-bumping, back-aching, leg-wearying
institution, and we warn people against skating.
We tried it, and shan't be able to walk for a
month. Skating clubs are humbugs, and the
only reason why the rascally youngsters wish to
get the ladies Bt it, is that they may see-if they,
too, don't say "the ice is dreadfully cold! "  It's
nothing to us, it's nothing to us; but the ladies
~ will do as well to let skates alone, unless they are
younger and more elastic than are we   Oh,
how cold the ice is —we can feel it yet 




CHAPTER II.
ScIENCE OF KEIsING.
EOPLE will kiss, yet not one in a hundred
knows how to extract bliss from lovely
lips, no more than they know how to make
diamonds from charcoal. And yet it is easy —
at least for usI This little item is not alone for
young beginners, but for the many who go at
kissing like hunting coons or shelling corn.
First, know who you are to kiss. Don't make
a mistake, although a miss take may be good.
Don't jump up like a trout for a fly, and smack
a woman on thie neck, the ear, one corner of her
forehead, the end of the nose, or slop-over on her




waterfall or bonnet-ribbon, in your haste to get
through.
When God made the world He went slow,
and at last pronounced it "very good." Ditto
kissing. And morning and night were the first
day! It is simple, yet excellent. The gent
should be a little the tallest. He should have
a clean face, a kind eye, a mouth full of expression, instead of tobacco. Don't kiss all over,
as grasshoppers walk. Don't kiss everybody,
including nasty little dogs, male or female.
Don't sit down to it. Stand up. You need
not be anxious to get in a crowd. Two persons
are plenty to corner and catch a kiss I  More
persons spoil the sport! Stand firm. It won't
hurt after ypu are used to it!
Take the left hand of the lady in your right
hand. Let your hat go to-any place out of the
way  Throw the left hand gently over the
shoulder of the lady, and let the hand fall down
upon her right side, toward the belt. Don't be




Soiewe of Kis8ing.          19
in a hurry! Draw her gently, lovingly, to your
heart.  Her head will fall lightly upon your
shoulder —and a handsome shoulder-strap it
makes! Don't be in a hurry! Send a little
life down your left arm, and let it know its
business. Her left hand is in your right.- Let
there be expression to your grasp-not like the
grip of a vice, but a gentle clasp, full of electricity, thought, and respect. Don't be in a hurry I
Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder!
You are nearly heart to heart  Look down into
her half-closed eyes! Gently yet manfully press
her to your bosom I Stand firm, and Providence
will give you strength for the ordeal'l Be brave,
but don't be in a hurry I!
Her lips almost open  Lean lightly forward
with your head —not the body. Take good aim
-the lips meet-the eyes close-the heart opens
-the soul rides the storms, troubles, and sorrows
of life (don't be in a hurry)-heaven opens before
you-the world shoots from under your feet as




20           Science of  iss8ing.
a meteor flashes athwart the evening sky (don't
be afraid)-the nerves dance before the juste
erected altar of love as- zephyrs dance with the
dew-trimmed flowers-the heart forgets its bitterness, and the art of kissing is learned! No
noise-no fuss-no fluttering and squirming, like
hook-impaled worm.
Kissing don't hurt-does not require a brass
band to make it legal. Don't jab down on a
beautiful mouth as if spearing for frogs! Don't
grab and yank the lady, as if she was a struggling colt I Don't muss her hair-scrunch down
her collar-bite her cheekssqnuizzle her rich
ribbons, and leave her mussed, rumpled, and
mum-muxed!  Don't flavor your kisses with
onions, tobacco, gin cocktails, lager-beer, brandy,
etc., for a maudlin kiss is worse than  - to a
delicate, loving, sensitive woman. Try the above
recipe, and, if you do not succeed, for further
particulars call on, or write to " BRInC " PoremOY,




CHAPTER III.
MOSQUITOES ON A BENDER.
GHT before last, in order to sleep, we
placed a piece of raw beefsteak on a
plate at the head of our bed. In the
morning it was by the mosquitoes sucked as dry
of blood as an old sponge, and our skin saved at
least two thousand perforations. All about the
room, in the morning, were mosquitoes, plethoric
with blood, loaded till they could not fly. We
killed a few, but the job was too sanguinary, so
we left them to their feast.
Last night, in order to get even with the sereo
nading devils, we steeped half a pound of fresh




s22        Mmlo s ttoae on a Bender.
beefsteak in some old rye whiskey, and left it on
a plate by the bed. Nothing like being hospitably inclined. In ten minutes after the light was
extinguished, a swarm of these backbiting billposters made an advance movement. One of
them caressed us sweetly on the nose-he sent in
his bill-there was a slap-a diluted damn-a
dead mosquito! Soon we heard a tremendous
buzzing about the whiskey-soaked beef. The entire mosquito family came singing in, and such
an opera-good Lord deliver us! But they did
not disturb us with bites. We fell asleep, to be
awakened in ten minutes by the worst mosquitoconcert ever editor, mortal, devil, angel, divine,
Dutchman, or any other man listened to. We
raised a light, and the greatest show of the
season was there to be seen.  Every mosquito
was drunk as a blind fiddler, and such an uproarions night as the long-billed whelps had, never
was seen before this side of —selah   The worst
antics! Some were playing circus on the plate




Afosfuitoes on a Bender.      23
One big fellow, with a belly like Falstaff, full of
blood and whiskey, was dancing juba on the
Bible, while a fat friend.of his lay on her back
beating the devil's dream on an invisible tambourine, with one hind leg! Two more were wrestling on the foot-board of the bedstead, each with
his bill stuck fast in the timber. Another was
tying the legs of our pants into a bow-knot to
fasten about the neck of Anna Dickinson-whose
picture hangs against the  washstand-while
another red-stomached customer was trying to
stand on his head in the wash-bowl.
All over the room were drunken mosquitoes!
One long-billed, gaunt representative, was trying
to ram the mucilage bottle full of newspaper
clippings. Another chap was drilling a hole
through a revolver handle, and singing "My
Mary Ann;" while still another was limping
across the window-sill in search of fresh air, to
the agonizing tune of " Tramp, tramp, tramp! "
One little rat of a skeet was trying to jam the




24        Moqosguiltoes on a Bender.
cock out of Ben. Butler's eye with a tooth-brush,
as his picture hung in the room beside that of
Kidd, the pirate. A drunken statesman of the
mosquito family was talking Russian to a lot of
drunken companions, as they lay in a heap on
the plate, while another one sat in the handle of
our bowie-knife, doubled up with cramp in the
stomach, and trying to untie his tail with -his bill,
which seemed like Lincoln's backbone when
Anna Dickinson said it wanted stiffening. He
was a sick-looking skeeter, and died in tlree
minutes after we saw him, her, or it, as the case
maybe. Two others took a bath in the inkstand. One, with a bill like the devil's narrative,
was trying to wind our watch with a pen-wiper,
while another died as he was sitting on the rim
of a dish in the room, trying to chaunt "Mother,
I've come home to die! " Poor skeeter. A nice
skeeter, but "'twas a pity he drank." An old
veteran, with a paunch full of'alf and'alf-blood
and whiskey —sat on the table, reading Lee




.Mo.quitoes on a Bender.      25
Mliserables, while his wife was under the stove
trying to mend her broken wing with a limpsey
toothpick. She looked disgusted! Another one
combed his hair with a paper of pins, tied a piece
of white paper about his neck, pasted a five-cent
infernal revenue stamp on his rump-or words to
that effect —and died like a "loyal" citizen. His
last words were-' Tell the traitors all around you," etc., etc.
Another drunken scamp started out of the
window  for John B. Gough, or a stomachpump.  A worse behaved set of bummers we
never saw. They acted fearfully. About two
thousand lay around dead, but -sadness seemed
not. to break in upon their hilarious rioting
upon blood and whiskey. Half-a-dozen of them
sat on our new hat playing draw-poker, using
worm lozenges for checks, while one of the
party got clean busted by making a fiftydollar blind good on a four-flush, which didn't
2




26        Xosquitoes on a Bender.
fillI He will be apt to wear cotton socks next
winter, and keep away from church collection
days. Another one sat on top of a brandy bottle, reading "Baxter's Call to the Unconverted,"
while his partner lay dead at hisfet, evidently
forced to close doors by the failure of KetchuTn
& Son, of New York I Six others were trying
to hang one that looked like a Copperhead, to
the corner of a match-safe; but as they were
drunk and he sober, it was not safe to bet on his
being dangled. They ate the beef; drank the
blood and whiskey, drilled the plate full of
holes, and on the centre-table organized a Son
of Malta lodge, using a five-cent shin-plaster for
blanket in the act entitled "The Elevation.of
Man."
Another red-bellied leader of the Miss Keeter
family had a battalion -of drunken bummers on
the edge of a spittoon watching him jam a fur
overcoat into his left ear.  He acted foolishfjolish enough for a brigadier-general or member




oMsquitoke   on a Bend&r.      27
of congress.  A little cuss with black legs crillm
son stomach, and double-jointed bill, was vomiting
in a satin slipper, while his wife, a sickly-looking
lady of her tribe, was gnawing at the bed-post,
thinking it a bologna. Another one, evidently
an old maid, sat under the sofa milking the cat,
while her sister was crowding a pair of woollen
irawers into her waterfall, singing in a subdued
strain —
"Come rest in this bosom  "
We have applied for a season.ticket-front
seat.
Another one, with a certificate of marriage
over his head in the shape of a welt the size of a
candle-mould, was dancing a fandango with two
mosquito oinr,..n:watE stal,  while a
deacon in.one of theirr tiUrches sat playing old
sledge with a corkscrew, to see which should go
for a gin cocktail.   An artistic delegate was
standing on his head in a champagne tumbler,




28         ffogquitoes on a Benrder.
one hind leg run through his under jaw, whilo
with the other he was pointing out the road to
Richmond to a lot of skeets still drunker than
himself, who were sitting dog-f-ashion on the
pillow. We should say it was a gay partyquitely so!
Talk about shows, concerts, dog-fights, amputations, circuses, negro funerals, draw-poker, sparking, or other amusements, there is nothing to be
compared to a flock of mosquitoes on a bender.
If you don't believe it, fix them up with a piece
of beefsteak soaked in whiskey, and laugh your
sides sore at the antics the drunken warblers cut;




CHAPTER IV.
MY MILKMAID MIRANDA.
LOVED a milkmaid, Miranda by cognomen, and she was the quickest milkist
that ever squatted garter-holders under
the dripping eaves of a patient bovine on a day
of rain, and sich. She was handsome; Her
mother was a handsome cuss, and her father
was a blessing in disguise, with mien like an
angel and hair colored like a New Jersey
barn.
Miranda lived in New England. Her paternal
pap engineered a country store, kept blooded
geese, sold potatoes by the pound, kept clhese




30        My.Xilkma cid Kira~nda.
rinds for rat-trap bait, blackened pins and sold
them for fish-hooks, furnished steam for a Puritan prayer-meeting, cultivated a duck pond, and
taught his nose to blush on apple brandy. He'd
take the screws out of his mother's coffin and sell
them for money to put on the church contribution-plate, and he never missed attending communion in order to get a free lunch at the ex.
pense of-never mind who!
But Miranda wan't like him. She milked the
cows and strained the milk. I used to help her.
We were both boys-that is, I was a boy, then.
I was green, but pure. Ditto Miran. She was
tall. She was long for this world. She was fat
as a toothpick. She had a neck like a bottle of
Worcester sauce. She was slim as the salary of
a country minister, or the wardrobe of a country
editor washing-day. And didn't I sling love into
her lap?. You bet! And didn't she sling milk
into her little twelve-quart tin pail, while I used
to stand and hold the drooping backbolne con



.My MJilkmaid Mirhanda.      31
tinuation of that bovine cow, lest it soil the tinted
cheek of my milkmaid, Miranda?
We loved.  How could we help it?  Her
mother was opposed to the match. She thought
Miranda wan't good enough for me, I had the
poverty. It struck in before I struck out. Being poor, I was good; hence the objection. So
we courted syruptastingly, and met in the barnyard the usual way-through the back gate.
Every night I veni'd and vidi'd. Her mother
used to catch us at it. She enticed Miranda into
bedrooms, cellars, pantries, and closets, and there
confined her before her time came for going out
to milk.
But we often circumvented the aged matron.
We changed clothes with the hired man, and
went in on our nerve. Miranda loved. "Brick"
loved. But we had hard times of it. Affection
gurgles as it runs.  Our affection ran not
smoothly. The darned thing won't run smooth
Selah!




32       My Milkmaid Mirauda.
We used to wander after beech-nuts, and( the
old lady was there. *We sallied forth to gather
shells of ocean —as we called hen's eggs-in the
hay-mow, and behold! the old lady was there.
We went forth hand in hand, like the ghost of
John Brown and that other man, in search of a
love-lit bower, and behold! there appeared the
aged who first knew Miranda, and bade us return.
She was an agile mother. We sat under the
window to compare our tales of love, and Miranda's mother inflicted shower-baths upon us
the while. We attended funerals in order to
have fun, but behold she was there, and our fun
came not to pass. At times I rode the family
horse by the window at stated periods when Miranda was to be there, and the voice of my milkmaid's maternal was always saying, "Let's see
how fast you dare ride!"  She locked up the
barn-door to keep us from entering therein. She
locked up the parlor to keep us from courting
there. She stuck sticks over the kitchen door.




iMiy.Milkmaid Xtra~nd.      83
latch to keep us out of that apartment. She
locked Miranda up in a cellar to keep us from
descending into that damp place. I said in my
puny wrath, "Dog-gone that ancient female."
I had but one hand to love Miranda with-the
other was needed to battle the second volume of
Miranda's authorship with. My love sank. It
lowered. It prostrated. I went to Canada. I
remained in the embrace of the Queen, as'twere
After a time the old lady, at the close of a delightful trip of nine weeks' duration, arrived at
the grave-yard, thanks to a doctor, whose doctorin I ever recommended in such cases. The little posy-rosy, the hollyhock, and the asparagus
bloomed over the maternal derivative of my milkmaid, anmd made me happy. I shouted in unison
with merry roosters and the vernal chickens, and
sought her I loved. Twelve years had gone and
done it. But Miranda stuck it out. No one
could look upon the face of her ma, and survive.
I was the exception.  Miranda's father had




34        X3 Uncikrnaid MAirand4.
passed in his checks. He grew tired of life, and
after a fit of family happiness took the poison the
rats refused, and went joyfully from the arms of
Miranda's maternal mother to death, and its results, as'twere.
Miranda had the things she inherited, such as
geese, the little store, the cheese rinds, the warbling ducks, and all sich of the estate, and threw
open the shutters of her heart. I popped in.
The front room thereof was vacant. I slung in
my traps, crawled in at the window, took possession, sang a song of joy, kissed my milkmaid.on her dinner-catcher, sold my, disappointment
for a yellow necktie, and became an altered
man, full of joy where sorrow had so lately
nestled.  We courted.  We wedlocked.  We
sold  the  old  homestead.   We  went  to
B-o-8s-thn (with the "thn" up your nose),
and went in for style!
There was a party. Miranda fixed up for, it.
Miranda was flush from the proceeds of the




Muy AMilkmid -Miranda.      35
homestead. She bought a cow's worth of frizzled
hair, a sheep's worth of lace for her garters, a
hog's worth of night blushing seriousness, and the
earnings of the geese, bees, chickens and ducks
her father had for years, and went to the ball.
But she was gay I Hardly knew her. She looked
large. Such a bust I Such colors l Such teeth I
Such hair  Such complexion! Such palpitators.
Such poached front hair, and such scrambled
back hair! She was raised in Weathersfield,
New England, and was weaned on onions. I
knew her by her gentle breath. But for this I
would have lost her.
We wore out the party. All fashionable people
stay to extinguish the lamps. Style. We went
home. There was a cry of fire. Our house was
in flames. Miranda had gone to her retirary
while I was writing a description of the party.
I heard the alarm.  I rushed into our bedroom.
I found something slim and docile in the bed 
I thought it was the bolster got the wrong way.




36'i[y  ilkmaid Xiranda.
I wanted to act in fireman style, so thruw a mirrrc
out of the window to let the crowd down-stairs
know all was safe above; then ran down w:tll
bolster in my arms. This long slim bolster was
Miranda, my milkmaid    She had decreased.
Affected by fear. I sat her down under the par]or window, in a rose-bush, that the crowd might
not see "the charms her downcast modesty,"
etc., failed to conceal.
Then I ran back to get her things, spread in
five chairs at the foot of the bed and lying in
circles on the floor. I got them. Nine armsful
when I had them all. The house was in ruins,
and Miranda was burned to death. I felt bad I
Who could help it? Pardon my weakness, but
I wept. Yet I was consoled. Though gone, she
was with me still. I had all that made her love
ly. -I had her curls, her fiizzle, her rats, her
waterfalll.I had her spiral palpitators, her
bird's-nest, her veals I I had a set of teeth, a
steel compress for the ankles! I have set all




Xy Xilkmatd  ira> da-         S7
things in their order.  I have them  hung on
wires. I shall pour a little melted girl (easy to
be had this hot weather) into the fixings, and
have an udder Miranda. How lucky to save
so much of her I
Ever of theely,
" IBRICK " POMEROY.




CHAPTER V.
MY EXPERIENCE AT A NEW ENGLAND SEWINGCIRCLE!
"The Christian ladies of this congregation are invited
to meet, Thursday evening, at the residence of Mrs. Sniveller, to form a Sewie.t-  A full attendance is
requested."
u:iaCL, my dear bearers, reads a notice I
find on my sacred desk this morning,
and I read it in hopes you will profit
thereby.
We will now  sing  Psalm  cxxxi., first two
star zas:




A  I2ew England Sewing-Circle.        3'9
My heart not haughty is, 0 Lord,
Mine eyes not loftly be;
Nor do I deal in matters great,
Or things too high for me I
I surely have myself behav'd
With spirit great and mild
As child of mother weaned; my soul
Is like a weaned child.
All sing!
Says I, "Bully."  Not in a bully spirit, but
with a sort of Puritanical meaning, and coneluded to go.  ]Mrs. Sniveller —Mrs. Deacon
Sniveller —lived in a large white house, in a
stone-patch under the hill, down by her husband's  button* shop.  Mirs. Sniveller was  a
leading horse, so-called, in thie team of benevolence at Buttonville. She had a little peaked
red nose, about right to open clams with; a
nervous jerk to her head, spiral enticers, and a
waterfall the size of a plum-pudding, but filled
with more ingredients.  Deacon Sniveller passed




40     A New England Sewing-Circle.
the plate Sabbaths, and took the funds home
to count.  Mrs. Sniveller always gave with
great liberality on the next Sunday!
I wanted to go. I borrowed' hoops, skirts,
waterfalls, and etceteras. I puffed my fronthair, slung my waterfall on my bump of obstinacy, hoisted an onion into the reticule I carried on the left arm, shouldered a green cotton
umbrella, took a piece of red flannel to make a
shirt for some little innocent bud on the tree
of Abolitionism, and sallied forth, as the Yankee
clock struck two.
Mrs. Sniveller was in. The front parlor and
the middle parlor was full of noble women, while
the best bedroom was full of bonnets, green umbrellas, and reticules, in which to carry home
sweetcakes, tarts, biscuit, plum pits, apple cores,
and such little things slyly slipped from Mrs.
Sniveller's table.'Mrs. Sniveller didn't know me. I told her I
was little Sally Squiggle, as what lived there








J~                             ~'~, —
"Lordy massy, so it is! Why how natural you do look I
Bless me, let me kiss my dear Sally."-Page 41.




A New ELngland Sewing-Ciercle.    41
ten years before, and had been South teachin'
skule!
"Lordy massy, so it is! Why, how natural
you do look, now it all comes to me agin 
Bless me I let me kiss my dear Sally, who has
escaped from the wretches I " And angelic Mrs.
Sniveller came near putting my right eye hors
de combat with the end of her nose!
I was introduced. Nineteen women were glad
to see me, and kissed their dear little Sally till
my waterfall got skewed clear around under my
left ear, and I began to feel a rising sensation
in my throat from the hugging then and there
given-or words to that effect.
After I had been so affectionately gone
through, I went Into the bedroom to reconstruct I
Gracious 1  [My waterfall had got under my left
ear, making me look as if some ugly man of sinhad lifted me one with brass knuckles, and-forgot
ta take it home with him, while ihy beautiful
front hair resembled a garden full of pea-vines




42    A New England Sewing-Circle.
after a hurricane. But I retained my composure,
and went out to become the centre of attraction.
"My dear Sally  "
"Precious Sally "
"Little Sally Squiggle, sure enough!"
" So glad you cum hum I "
" Neow dew tell us all abeout it!"
Mrs. Sniveller was made chairman, and the
following resolutions were adopted:
"Resolved, That this shall be called the Buttonville Benevolent Baby Association.
"' Resolved, That Mrs. Sniveller be, and hereby
ire, our President.
" Resoolved, That our aim is to help the downtrodden and bedridden daughters of Ham, now
in the clutches of that vile people, and to this
end every member of the B. B. B. make one
little flannel shirt a week, and Sally Squiggle
shall tell us the size.
"Resolved, That we open and close our Society
with prayer.




A New England Sewing-Cxiele.    43
"Resolved, That each one of the members invite some man to go home with her at night."
(Here I was about to object for fear of exposure,
but for fear of exposure I didn't object.-Sally.)
After the Society was organized, I was kept so
busy answering questions that I came near not
finishing the baby envelope I was working on,
and should not, had I not took long stitches, as
people do in benevolent sewing!
Mrs. Sniveller said:
"Now, Sally, ain't that ere Southern people
the hatefullest proud people the world ever did
see? Cousin John, who went down as a sutler,
brought home two trunks of the proudest silks,
laces, jewelry that was real gold, and set with
purty stones that was real diamonds, and worth
a power of money. He found them in bureaus,
trunks, closets, and sich places. The sneaking,
cowasd-men, had gone off to kill our good peo.
ple, and the women were at work in the hos.
pitals, and all John had to do was to whip a lot




44    A N1ew England Sewing-Circle.
of little children and help himself!  I know
them ere folks are a wicked, mean, ongratcful
set, and ought to be killed."
Mrs. Puritan wanted to know if it was true
that the people of the South actually cooked
biled dinners on Sunday?  If they did, she
reallyhoped her cousin in Congress would pass a
law that whenever a man in the South cooked
a biled dinner on Sunday, he should be hung
before dinner, and his biled dinner should be
sent North!
Mrs. Pinchbeck hoped the war would continner
to go on till there was no more end of nothing.
For her part, it was all stuff about the people suffering during the war. Her Josiah had a contract, and made two hundred thousand dollars
the first year; and when her brother, Rev. Peaknose Ranter, came back from the war-where
he had periled his precious life eating preserves
so they would not hurt sick soldier —she brought
home more than fifty gold watches, and the nicest




A Xew Englandr Sewibg- Ci'cle.    45
gold-clasp Bible, which was now used eveiy Sunday in one of the Buttonville churches.
Mrs. Squeak said the people of the South were
nothing but murderers; for when her brother,
Colonel Fibre Hunter, was out in a field, doin'
nothin', killin' nobody, doin' nothin' but just
seein' how much cotton an army team could
draw, so he could tell if it was a good team,
some cowardly gorilla shot a hole clean through
him, and wouldn't even send his clothes home for
her Jedediah to wear out I And she hoped if another war ever did come, some of them sinful men
of the West would go down and do it to'em agin;
not that she cared so much for her brother, but
she wanted them are clothes for her Jedediah!
Mrs. Cockeye said she hoped there would be a
hull passel of wars; for her cousin, her dear good
cousin, Benjamin (the Beast), had made lots of
money in the late war; and had supplied nearly
all her relatives -with spoons, watches, silverware, etc.; and said it was right the war should




1e6    A New England Sewing-Circle.
go on, for her cousin was safer in war than befo re
a court of justice, even; and said it was a Clristian duty to let all Christian wars be continnered
so long as there was anybody to continner'em.
BMrs. Sniveller here spoke again:
"Well, I don't care, nohow.  The South
should be fought I What right had they to have
cotton picked by niggers without asking our consent I And they were rich. And they had nice
things. And we believe a nigger baby is of more
account than a white pauper in the North. And
my husband, Deacon Sniveller, wants more
bones to make buttons of; he'll sell the buttons
to the South and Wkt, and they will have to
pay us New England Christians for the privilege
of wearing out their own hones."
By this time tea was ready. We had a good
tea. Such curious silver-ware- old-style, pure
silver —didn't taste brassy a bit, and all of us
ladies tasted all the silver dishes to see t Andl
such a lot of spoons! Each one of us had at




otW I: t       O   MWit* lr                 Mrs.
Siib~etle'ii'd  a barrel  rof silver — spoois, and
hunted them  over till she found our regular
initials in regular order   Oh, it was so nice!
And we piled all the shirts up in a chair, and
put a Bible, rescued from the wicked South, on
the top of the pile, and then Rev. Mr. Slammer
came in and made a prayer, while Mrs. Drawler,
on a nice rosewood piano, played that patriotic
piece of music"John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave I
John Brown's body lies mouldering in the gravel
John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave I
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah I"
After which the Buttonville B. B. Society of
Buttonville, Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
adjourned till next Thursday, when I am going
again, if they don't find out that Sally Squig
gles is
That horrid
"BRICKr" POMElOY.




CHAPTER VI.
BILURIA BULKINS AND OUR COURTSHIP.
LURIA was a husky Seraphim, de.
scended all 0. K. front ancient Bul.
kins, who used to sit on a mackerel tub
in- Deaconr Whezeener's grocery, with his legs
crossed, and tell what a powerful delegate he was
when he was a young man. He was the man.
He was the individual as what had the sylph I
sparked. Biluria was his dart. And a nice
darter she were. She had a mother-a nice
lump of lean, who wore a peaked nose, a pair of
black stockings, knit springy at the top to rave
garters, and for twenty-five years went about the




B r, Blkins and our C0oueiip.  49
house before going to bed, clad like an angel,
with a fire-shovel in one hand and a tallow-dip
in the other, looking to see as how as if that ere
dod-derned cat had concluded to stay in or to go
out. I don't like cats, except in fiddle-strings.
Mrs. Bulkins was a vehement eatist-she always
had more cats than doughnuts in the house.
Biluria didn't hanker after cats, but then could
endure them. There was one cat-Mr. T. Cat.
He was a handsome and a feline rascal. He
devastated milk-pans, and created funerals: in
hen-coops about young chicken. time, and made
a telescope of his tail every moenlight night
on the roof of the woodshed, accompanied by
more cat' and much yell. He was the only feline
Biluria could endure. Gushing Biluria  She
used to sit up nights when I went to spark her,
with that blessed c-a-t in her lap, right where
my head ought to be, and pull its little slender
twhiskers.  Said 1: "Biluria, do so by met"
Said Biluria: "Oh, your wiskers ain't big enough
3




-50  Biluria Bulkinr  and our (courei.
to pull, yet."  Then we'd eat a doughnut, and
drink some cider, and look in the fire. Then
I'd listen to the snoring of the two Bulkinss
in the setting-room bedroom, and Biluria would
sit and play with the cat's tail. Said I: "Biluria, do so!"  No, I didn't say so, neither; I
just said: "Biluri, if you don't diminish those
cat on them floor, I'll occupy them lips for a
kiss! ". And down always went the cat, and I
occupied Biluria, so to speak, and kissing was
thus enjoyed. "Twa8 nice/'"  It weakens me
now to think of it. To turn one of Biluria's
kisses- over in the store-room of memory is no
fool of a job.  Biluria had red lips, and the
sweetest ever investigated. I used to investigate
them. I was the committee to do that are.  My
arms were my credentials. I used to hold out
my credentials.  Skirmish to the front, throw
out my pickets, rally to the breastworks of affection, tie my credentials about Biluria's bread.
basket, and go in radially for a lover'sB kiss.




Biluria Bulkbim  and our Cot rtshtp.  51
Oh I I guess not  Biluria was the sweetest
kisser in the world, except when she'd been
eating onions. She.was a Wethersfield girl-a
Connecticut childkof sorrow —and oft did — fill her
-pancake-trap with onions.  At those' times the
nectar -of love was   little strong-too strong
to gush much.  But at other times'twas no
use talking.  Why, one of her kisses would
last me a week, if I couldn't get more!  They
used to gush out all over, run down my shirt
bosom into my vest pocket, and solidify like
candy. I used to bite them off, there, as -from
little sticks of candy.
I could not always be with Biluria. I had the
wood to cut, the cows to fodder, the sheep to
corn, the hens to roost, the swine to feast, the
steers to chase away from the wheat-stack, and
the apples to sort, and this kept me from Biluria.
But while I was hence from her, she made up
kisses, ripened them on her lips, and left them
hanging there for me to pluck.  And  3eo




52  Biluria Bulkins and our C~oMt'p.
bet I was a lively pluckist on those occa.
sions.
One time old Bulkins was took. He was a
deacon.  He made prayers at night over two
hours, long, and he wan't a stuttering man,
either I   was there. Biluria was there. The
old lady Bulkins was there, asleep. Biluria
took hold of my hand with her hand, and we
went to sleep. We thus reposed nigh onto two
hours. At last Bulkins terminated L  He hai
consoled the old lady to slumber, and reposed
Biluria and L. He was thunder-struck quitely
when he came to. He was naturally a jokist, so
from a warm room he entered into the outer air
for an icicle to gently touch the old lady and
Biluria where my "love lies dreaming." The
cold comfort he brought in wakened us, but in
going out for it he caught cold. The next day
he wheezed a little. I wanted to try heave
medicine, but he wouldn't. I saw he was took.
He saw it. We all felt bad, for the old Bulkini




BiWlria Balkin8 and our Court6sk.  -53
was rich, and it is hard for the rich to die! The
old lady found comfort in a black bottle. She
was a gin-uine spiritualist I Biluria. and I found
consolation, too. She had lots of it-enough for
me, at all events t'
The old man lingered. He was saving  -Re
didn't want to die in the winter, for it was more
expensive to open the earth, then. He was neaw
sighted, but at last he saw something. He remarked but little. He said, perhaps we had better wed. He was facetious, even in his agony.
He said: < "My two B.'s, if it must B so, let it B
so, though I don't see how it can be. Send for
a minister, and a mature almanac." Bulkins left
soon after. We marched forth with him in
March. Mrs. Bulkins lingered and went alseo.
We inserted her by the side of the other Bulkins. One night I felt a little- thick, and: went
to the buttery for the gin bottle!  It was
empty! Who wouldn't die when the bottle
refused to respond?




4  Biarua Bukimns and our  ozurtshAp.
"I would not live always,
I would not if I could;
So I slung-the empty bottle,
And'put another where it stood I"
And thus I inherited Biluria, and the farnui
and the stock, and the old wagons, and. the
fences, and the potato holes, and the trash in the
barn, and the broad acres of Bulkins, the parient
of Biluria. It's a good way to amass wealth.
Better than working for it, and more nicer. And
now you ought to see us. We go to church
every Sunday. We have nigh onto twenty little
Bilurias and " Bricks," and there is no good rea-'son why, in course of time, we may not have a
family to rise-up in the morning and quarrel
about their shoes and stockings, till their blessed
mother gives them all a warm spot to sit down
on. We hope, and more too. I- m happy nowWe never read newspapers, for that would be a
waste of money. We just go.along on the road
of life, at a jig-jog gait, and nothing troubles us




Biluria Bzlkins and our Courts4'ip.  55
I'n a sort of easy delegate. Biluria is the only
literary one in the family. She don't care much
to read papers winter nights, but is death on old
almanacs and such, and I am a happy
"BuIcx" POMEROY.




CHAPTER VII.
PICKEREL-FISHING IN CONNECTICUT.
IRISThMAS and Sunday made a jointstock concern this year, and skirmished
in together.  WI  saw them approach,
and retired in good ofir, so as not to embarrass
them during their "toWight" hours. - Very considerate, of course!  Christmas and Sunday
went out together. We fear for Sunday, as
Christmas is a hilarious chap, in honor of whose
birth all who have the stamps get high. Se]ah!
Buck and we took much second dinner with
Holcomb, ye uproarious, whose residence, on the
elevation, towers far above the other towers.




Then we~advanced on two bodies of the enemy,
well entrenched.  We advanced rapidly, and
went home before Christmas and Sunday dissolved their joint-stock concern.
And in the morning we awoke.  Hair felt
heavy. So young, and yet so fair! So light,
and yet no lightning. Buck said pickerel-fishing
would cure the hair. S'pose Buck knows. Who
knows?
Advanced out of bed in good order. Flanked
a liberal breakfast. Struck ile on our boots.
Boy skirmished on a hardware store, and returned with much fish-lines and large majorities
of pickerel-hooks. We took our pick. Went for
mummy-chubs. Nice bait, those mummy-chubs.
Fat little fellows from the salt sea foam, with
much wiggle. Captured many of those —at least
seven hundred. Very moist out. lRain was on
the fall muchly.  Made for Factory Pond.
13uck carried two field-pieces, loaded. We carried mummy-chubs. (Got to pond. Nice pond,
3*




58    Pickerel-Fhhng in Connecwtcut.
with ice on its cold bosom. -Nice rain, but a
little too wet. Forgot the hooks. Sent boy two
miles to the rear for hooks, which came up in
good order. Cut numerous holes through the
ice-like perforating for petroleum.: Married the
hook to the wiggler munimy-chub, and drop
ped a liine to the pickerel. Sat down on the ice
to wait for a bite. Patience is a good thingvery good thing. Saw Buck balancing a columbiad on his chin. We skirmished down upon
him in time to turn in for relief! Thought it
was " inducing " to the pickerel. Borrowed one
of Buck's inducrs, and fell back to original
position. Very fine rain in Bridgeport. Lots of
holes in the cerulean skimmer. Confound the
pickerel. We induced them in vain. Weather
quite perspiring. Buck gave up in despair. We
maintained, baited anew, and induced every four
minutes. Very fine fishing in Factory Pond.
Rather too fine. How easy it rained upon the
just as well as the unjust.  It was a pickerel or




PikkerP-Fishkig- in Cornetiout.    59
two bottles of wine. So we kept inducing, bat
in vain. At last the glass columbiad ceased to
chipper! How natural it is to mourn for departed spirits. SelahlI Not another drop-as
the man said after he was hung. The rain fell
through, but who cares? The little fat wiggling
mummy-chubs floated in the tin pail-a pail full
of triumphant glee of most of fish's character.
But not a pickerel. Four long hours sitting on
the cold dampness. It was worse nor sparking.
Nary a bite, nary a pickerel; but one sucker
was taken in I
We returned in good order. Got home at
four o'clock, hungry and dry-considering the
weather. Buck wanted the wine-we had it,
Went to room. Felt chilly. Raw air is rasping
on fine blood. Drew table beside hot coal stove.
Drew chair up to table. Pulled a wooden thing
hitched to a wire. Thought it was a fish-line!
Was fun, so we pulled again. Man came upZ
Went down. Came again. Left a glass swan,




o60    PickerFiXshirng i~n Connedatwt.
with long neck but with good body. Hot watel
and lumps of sugar. The house -grew quiet. * *
It grows quieter. The fluid evaporeth from
the transparent prison. The bell-rope danees a
jig-mummy-chub at other end of it I Very fine
weather. Warm weather. Boots come off hard.
Some fellow's head feels buzzy. EHair aches.
The ink-stand ain't on the stand —it won't stand
still two consecutive seconds. Four holes in that
ink-stand. The pen has split itself into two
pens. The lines on this paper run to skirmish
with each other. The lamp looks like a new
moon. The stove danoeth a jig to invisible
music. Fine  day for spirits  Big day for
pickerel. Good pickerel-no danger fishing for'em-they won't bite: anybody! Honest pickereler I Wouldn't  hook  one for the -world.
Darned pen is sick. -Tried to induce it to write.
Used up all the rye cider inducing. Good pen —
fine holder, but can't hold-er steady. Nice place
tofish in is Factory Pond. Can fih the reall




Picerel-ishinzg  in Connecticut.    61
day, just as easy  We see lots of fish now. Sea
eels in our boots. Nice eels, but very lively.
Nice boots, with'eel8 on'em. The eminent
chanticleer who ruled this paper must have been
cross-eyed, for hang us if the parallels run
straight. One more enemy in those glass concern. It concerns us. Spirited enemy. Come
rest in this chest I It resteth muchly. Hurrah
for pickerel! New  England pickerel!  They
must have been on a bust to-day. How small
the botts, are inwe'this cruel war is over, no
Irish need apiy  Wis: /thos- -b1ll rope would
waltz up this way. Would go and yank it, but
don't feel well. Then, we are. no Yankee,
Tried to reach it. Can't do it. Nice bell rope.
Little too wild for steady use. Nice country for
game, when rats run up a man's limbs, and eels
crawl in his boots for the rest-the rest, ze restz'restl Wonder of z'sem pickerelzes ever bite
za'selves? Mus' be, for za won't bite us, an we
induced z'sem with muchness. Three cheers for




62    Pickerel-Fshin g in. Connecticut.
fi-fi any man-any Dick-er-in-son or any othei
man. "Darn z'at bell-rope —it ain't in z'e right
posi-po-pozizhun! Connecticut fisherel picking z'ra umburg an' z'o zot bell er' opel




CHAPTER VIII.
B-o-s~-O —I
STON is the cradle of Lib! The place
where Mr. Warren fell and hurt himself. The place where Wendell Phillips, the "silver-tongued" orator, doth abide. It
is the "hub of the universe," and the dwellingplace of the big organ. Boston thinks she is the
largest place in this world —or the next. Boston
is a very complacent burg. We rather like Boston, for there is no village like unto it, from the
fiddling of Nero to the Revelation of St. John,
N.l B.!
Half way between Providence and Boston —




64              B-o-s-t-o-n-!
for Boston is a long ways from Providence-as
we were riding in a car, a still small voice, like
the whistle of an engine, broke upon the air. A
gentleman in the seat with us uncovered his
bald head, and, with a smile, bade us listen!' What's that? " said we.
" The big organ in Boston!" said he, with a
funeralic wave of his hand.
"The devil!" said we.
"Thou shalt not profane!" said the spokesman from the hub.
" Hast been to Boston? " asked he of the silver
tongue.
"We hast notist," replied we, then there to
him.
He looked-" poor heathen!"  He said we
must visit the Cradle of Liberty.  We asked
him if Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson had
engaged that cradle yet? He didn't see it! He
said we must visit Faneuil Hall. We asked him
what nigger troupe was performing there now 




/He looked bewildered.  Then he said we must
see where Warren fell. We asked him if Warren ever got over it-the place where he fell.
He appeared demoralized. He said we must
hear the big organ before we left Boston.
We went to hear the big organ. It is held
in several buildings. It is one size larger than
Boston.
Boston is the hub around which the organ
revolves.
The organ is a revolver.
Like the organ, this is a big play on words.
People in New York and Buffalo hear the
moan of the sea.  The moan is the big organ,
It is used in mass I
It has a sort of long island sound I
Boston people go to Heaven through the big
organ.
That is, when the nigger is out, so they cannot
go through himn;




66              B-o-8-t-o-r-!
There are but few gambling-houses in Boston,.
No such felloes are around that hub.
They don't play "straits" in Boston —not in
the streets.
Harvard College is just beyond reach of the
big organ.
Cambridge University is always in session. It
is a law school. The pleading is done at the bar
of the Parker House.
The studies at Cambridge are said to be very
dry. They affect the pupils. Pleading at the
bar affects them, likewise-or more like than
wise.
No one ever gets lost in Boston. The city is
so well organ-ized. Like the big organ, Boston
has numerous stops!  Some of the streets are
nearly as long as a fish-pole; but not so long as
a Johnson veto message. If a man don't like
one street in Boston, it is easy to get on another
er four days' trial we could go ne.om 
After four days' trial we could go from the




Parker House to the City Hall without getting
lost! This is a fact. And in five days we
learned the route from Scollay's Building to
Engine House No. 4.
The business blocks in Boston are in shape
like Norwegian shoes i
The streets of Boston are like hop-poles struck
by lightning. Some of them are so wide that a
cow could be milked in them by turning her on
her back, and sitting astride her brisket.
Small horses are driven abreast —large homes
tandem-in Boston. The fat woman was exhibited there once — in the big organ. Boston
streets are not so crooked as they might be. The
sun has warped them straight. Very clean in
Boston. If a lady drops a pin from her clothes,
policeman makes her pick it up. If a man shoots
an apple seed out of a grocery, he is fined. Boston is very neat-especially near the big -organ
and cradle of liberty. If a man drops a remark,
he is made to pick it up. And Boston people




68             B-o-8 —o-n-!
are so modest. They under-rate themselves ter.
ribly.
The streets of Boston must have been thrown
in at the time of some big fife —they are so
regular. If you would find any place, start in
an opposite direction. If you see a policeman
coming towards you, he is going the other way.
If he runs from you he'll be where you are in
no time. Up hill is down, and "over there"
is "back here."
One day we started from  the office of the
Boston Post to the Boston post-office, seventy
feet distant. We walked straight ahead-vwent
around seven blocks-saw a policeman standing
in a door-way on each block-asked each one
the route to the post-office.  Saw the eighth
policeman, asked him politely. Said lie, "Look
here, this is the eighth time you've asked me
that question! Move on, or up you go I"
Thought the policemen must be brothersthey looked so much alike  Rather than -go




B-o-8s-o-n-!            69
around the block again we went t'other way,
began to unwind, and got into the post-office
by mistake. The front of a building is inside —
in the courts.
Except the big organ and the cradle I
Ben. Butler spoke, while we were there, on
the restoration policy.
Went to his meeting, expecting to see him
giving back silver-ware and other valuables.
Was mistaken. That kind of restoration wasn't
policy 
House rents are cheap in Boston. Moving is
cheaper than house rent.  It's all owing to the
hub, the big organ, and the cradle.
There is no drinking in Boston. No peculiar
female characters. What is common is not peculiar.
New Bedford is to be moved into Boston
soon. By legislative enactment, the mumps are
to be confined to Democrats-the cholera is to
trouble only foreigners-the chicken-pox is tobe




70             B-o-s-t-on-!
be confined to old hens-niggers are to have
straight hair to disgrace them —and the whites
are to have curly wool on their craniums to
make them popular in Boston. Not forgetting
the big organ and the cradle of liberty!
New York is in the'watch-fob, the South in
the breeches pocket, and the West buttons on
the tail of the coat of Boston.
The sun rises in Boston. The final conflagration of mundane things will begin in Boston, on
account of the big organ and the cradle  Boston would have been laid out more regularly if
the dogs of olden times had been pointers, or the
cows had walked in more direct paths. Therefore we may see many calves in Boston.  So
much for tilting hoops I
A good place to move from-if one moves
early.
From the cradle to the big organ,
Crookedly,
"BRIex" POMMEROr.




CHAPTER IX.
How I LOST AURELIA.
IE still, fond heart and sich, ye're thinkin'
on her now! In a little box, this morn.
ing, old and blood-stained as'twere
by time, beside an old Testament, a slate pencil,
and a little brass finger-ring, I found a tin top
and wooden-bottom button, of the real old sort.
Thirty years since L slung those buttons into
them box, with a sigh of great size.
I was born at an early exelamation point of
life, of poor but wealthy parents, and grew up
to boy's estate on such food of love as mush and
milk, pork and beans (subdued by caloric),




72         RHow I lost Aurelia.
chicken pot-pies, harvest apples, young milk —
not intoxicable-and dreams. Dreams sustained
me through the night, while the tall pines roariilg without taught me to pine for some onewhile the butter-nut tree across the road, dandling imaginary babies in the air, with its long
limbs or arms, told me plain as tree could talk
that I'd butternot live always without some one
to dandle, and et cetery!
Yes! And so I loved, but knew it not! With
my pants on the floor, my jacket thrown on the
foot of the bed, my hat safely hove into a corner of my bedroom, how I dreamed the happy
hours away till milking time. Ah, me! I was
happy then, but not old enough to know it!
And I loved. Start not, gentle reader; but
this is a fact.  Aurelia Tillinghast was the
rose I hummed around. She was three summers and somewhere near four winters older
than I was at that time. But I caught up
with her! She afterward married, and grew




flow I lost A urelia.         73
young soon after, and then I got the start of
her.  She had a father at the time I loved
her, and before, too, for all I know.  I said
she was older.  So she was.  She was born
of poor but wealthy parents; but the poor predominated to a severe muchness.   She was
part French-from  Dublin.  She was large.
There was no other girl on the creek.  Oh!
I loved her as the deep blue tree loves.the
morning air; as the trout loves the briny
deep; as the dog loves its midnight bark;
as the infants
On their mother's knee
Drink and love their catnip tea,
So I did love my Au-ril-ye!
The only child of Tillinghas-t
And his wife! My folks said it was wrong;
but love knew better. It wasn't much of a
catch for either of us; but'twas the best we
could do!  My folks didn't favor the alliance.
Aurelia's derivatives, seeing in my little gait,
4




74          How I lost Aurtia.
in my sparkling eyes, light hair, ani love for
sass, much to admire, as it betokened genius,
was willing.
So I used to run away, five miles through tile
woods, to see her who was so dear to me. And
she fised to fix up. I went six nights in the
week. Every night Aurelia did wash her feet,
and slip on her cowhide slippers. They looked.
red like, but'twas all right, for pride is abominable. And being economical, Aurelia did not
wear hose. Nature unadorned is adorned the
most. And her hair! A very gentle mauve,
without spot or blemish.  Pure as the life of
John  Brown, straight' as the mountain ash!
Her face was-well it was all face-and her
breath was like new-blown hay. Ah, how I loved
her; who could help it! There was no more Aurelias within sixteen miles, for honest men with
little girls in their families had not discovered
the beauties of our woodland place of residence!
Aurelia's father liked  the idea of wedlock




How I lost A ureia.         75
concerning us. Aurelia had experienced twenty.
two seasons of severe existence. Her father
was a primitive artist, and played the march of
civilization on the monarchs of the forest. He
reaped the rich reward of twelve dollars a month
and board for this pastime. My derivative was
his employer.  Hence the position!  Aurelia
had much appetite, and was expensive in this
branch of education. Hence the desire. Drrygoods were expensive, and Aurelia's father being
like his daughter, a little fat, had great difficulty
in making both ends meet. Hence the ambition
of the Tillinghasts.
My father was more wealthier.  He could
brandish a watch on the Sabbath, slung from a
genuine silk cord. And he had a satin vest, seventeen years old. And he had a pair of boots
for Sabbath wear. And one griddle of the stove
was always removed to furnish the wherewithal
to polish those boots.  I had to polish them,
IIence my polish air and polished manner.




76          niow I lost Aurelita.
Every Sunday, at two o'clock, the stage came
into the settlement seven miles up the creek.
There were two horses to that stage, and at least
once a month it had a passenger. Once it had
two passengers-a man and dog. The man rode
on the seat with the driver; the dog ran behind.
That was a big day for Seely Creek. My father
often spoke of it. He had been to the settlement
every Sunday for four years. He was sick one
day.'Twas on that day the stage had two passengers. Father said it was just his luck. The
people there talked about the stage for a long
time. It waited an hour till father could arrive,
but he didn't come. He was sick. He heard of
it, and felt bad, but all the neighbors told him of
it. And Tillinghast always went to the settlement with him. They used to talk about my
marriage with Aurelia. Tillinghast went to the
settlement that Sunday, as usual, and he, a poorer
man than my father, saw the stage come in!
My father did not see the stage come in, and the




ow I Zlost Aurelia.          77
idea that Tillinghast did see it, created a coolness
between them (even in July) they did not get
over till January.
My father was a proud man-as he should
have been, having such a son. So he told Tillinghast the match should be broken off. My
father was a tall man, six feet four. Tillinghast
was a little fat cuss, four feet six They used to
look up and down at each other. And that was
the long and the short of it. The proposed wedlock was delayed. Tillinghast made offers. He
offered to settle lots of property on his daughter.
He, too, was proud, and eager for the fray-so to
speak. I was tall, like my masculine derivative.
Aurelia, like a dutiful girl, patterned after her
papa.  Filial affection is commendable, so I
commendabled Aurelia. And everybody wants
to marry in a high family.
But the stage affair damed the stream of
neighborly affection existing between our paternals. Tillinghast was to blame-he said so. HIe




78         fHow I lost Aurela.
offered to give Aurelia, on her wedding, a skillet
without a handle; a half-dozen new sap trouglls;
a pair of red stockings, which should come to
within an inch of her dress; a new splint broom;
a wooden pancake turner, made out of waterbeech, so that its natural limber would flap the
cakes nicely; a topknot hen; a wooden scoopshovel, in which to take up dirt from  the
kitchen; a pair of his old pants to begin- a rag
carpet with, and a new fine-comb, left there by
a pedler the year before in payment for supper,
lodging, and breakfast for himself, horse, and
wagon i!
Father consented, and how happy I was!
Hastened I to Aurelia and told her the news.
We two turtle-doves sat on the edge of the
spring, and paddled our feet in its limpid waters
by moonlight, for hours. I never had kissed her
before, for it is wrong to kiss girls-before you
kiss them  But that night, how I went for
kisses. We smacked and smacked, till the owls




"We two turtle doves sat on the edge of the spring aud
paddled our feet in its limpid waters by moonlight for
hours. I had never kissed her before." —Pace 78.








H0oz I lost Aureliac.      79
hooted in fear. And I hugged Aurelia ever so
muchly. We slipped into the spring, and hug
ged each other then; that was the first Aurelia
ever knew of a waterfall; but it didn't make
her proud.
*    *    *    *   At last a new stageroute was put on. It led by Aurelia's house.
Her father's house did not have many mansions,
but it was enlarged and made a stage house.
And the stage stopped there over night. And
that accomplished stage-driver was a mean cuss!
I thought it then; I think it now. He was not
handsome, like myself; but lordy, how he could
crack a whip! Early in the morning he wouldget on a stump by the barn and snap that long
whip till the hens and roosters would cackle for
two hours! Aurelia's parents thought'twas I
kissin' Aurelia, but'twanit!
And all this a heavy novelty was to that sweet
little one. She had never experienced so much
happiness previous. It was a new thing. Liko




80          1ow I lost Aureia.
some other people, new things proved to le l.lei
best game  And the whipper-snapper of a
stage driver brought her candy all the way
from Elmira, then called by the name of Newtown. And he did keep his hair greased I And
essence of cinnamon brought he for those
mauve-complexioned tresses, and essence of
peppermint for her breath.'He was an extravagant stagist  And it was by thus the serpent
of that gay fellow's love stole into my temple,
I thought him all-fired humbly. I often informed Aurelia to this end, but she could not
discern it. He used to kiss her, and hug her,
and i knew it. And she liked it! But what
could I do?  Aurelia was the first born! I
bought a whip, and had a big snapper put on it,
and nearly cut my ears off in the endeavor to
crack it as fiercely as did Jehiel, for that was
his name.  But'twas no use; the busines
was new, the snapper wouldn't snap, and Jehliel
beat me I




How I lost Aurelia.         81
The night we sat on the edge of the spring
and hugged ourselves into it, I wanted to be
liberal. I had nothing, so I gave Aurelia a
button fi'om my trowserloons. I had no knife
to cut it off, so Aurelia chawed it off. And I
took some of her hair, made a little string from
it, and hung it around her neck.  It was a
charm  with Aurelia's charms.  She wore it
near her heart. I was happy when she wore
it, and often wished I was a little button with
a tin top and wooden bottom, so I could hang
around Aurelia's neck.
When the stage stopped at Tillinghast's he
spruced up. He had my father then where the
hair was short, and their affection took another
cold.  My father took a rheumatism  in his
limbs, and couldn't walk to the settlement, as
he once could, to see the stage come in. So he
went to walk down to the corner where AureHia
lived, to see it come in. Seeing stage come in
4*




82         0How I lost Aurelita.
was one of his best bolts. And he used to ad
mire Jehiel, who was the greatest whip-snapper
in that county. He took pride in it. I grew
to hate my father because he spoke well of
Jehiel. Not of him, but of his whip-snapping.
I felt bad and out in the hemlock pined to a
shadow.
*    *    *    One day father come home.
He handed me something tied up in a little
piece of dirty cloth. I opened it. It was the
button now before me. A simple button, but
it did a tale unfold which rang in my ears
worse than ever did Jehiel's whip! ei't bore
the marks of Aurelia's teeth, where once, in
maiden meditation, she had squoze a tooth in
it, while chawing it off! It was a simple tintop wooden-bottom button, but I hated it, and
stamped it to the earth. Four little tears stood
in the eyes of the button as it lay pressed in
the moist earth. I took it up carefully, and




HTow I lost A urelit.       83
laid it away, as I would Aurelia, and it has
never been looked at till now. And I grew
up to be
" BRICcK" POMEROY.
P. S.-Aurelia got married, and her Jehiel
is still stage-driving.          "B." P.




CHAPTER X.
THE DOGe-GONDEST Dom.
URN the dorg! There goes a three-byfive feet pane of plate-glass out of a
door, and thee goed the cussedest and
wussedest piece of excitable canine we ever
saw! Four years ago, the day after a chap
on the cars had the upper end of his snoot
punched for calling us a traitor, Po. Hatcher
gave us that red and brindle batch of dog, then
done up small like, but looking so bull-dogish
that we were afraid of his picture for a week 
Po. said he was an Alabama bull-dog, im



lIe Dog-Gondest Dog.         85
ported from New Jersey in a basket, as a
sample of the handsome of that country. But
lie was a pretty purp. His tail was no longer
than a wicked man's prayer, and was full as
stunin'  And those ears!  They looked like
a small corner of plug tobacco! And such
eyes I And such eyebrows! When he was but a
child, so-called, some monster must have slung
him head-first against a stone wall! His jaws
were pretty jaws.  They were so severe in
their angles. There was so much jaw in proportion to the purp, that we wanted to call
him Swisshelm; but he wan't that kind of a
pet! But he was nigh onto all jaw 
We kept him four weeks in the sanctum,
and all that time hired a nigger to watch him.
He'd steal-steal is no name for it! And he
kept that nigger mighty busy watching him,
till at last the nigger, being such a smart, mimicky, educationable cuss, got so much worse
nor the dog, that we kept the dog to watchb




86        TLe Dog-Gondest Dog.
the nigger   Egad, wan't it a full teama
Strange how niggers will learn things!
And he was the hungriest dog we ever saw i
A pennyworth of beef didn't last him as long
as a ten-dollar bill would a Democrat the night
before election. He had a fine voice for beef.
And what the dog would not eat, the nigger
would! And the dog grew large, and ponderous
about the jaws. He used to eat paper, books,
mats, vests, old hats, gloves, patent-leather boots,
window curtains, and sich. He ate such stuff for
dessert. That dog ate a full calf-bound set of
Harper's Weekly one day, justf on account of the
calf. And he ate ten copies of the Chicago Tribune one day, but the lie in them papers made
him so dog-goned sick all that week that he
would have died if the nigger in'em hadn't
emeticked'em out, and so he got well I But he
never pined himself to a shadow hankering after
Republican newspapers any more. And he kept
on stealing. We always thought them Republi



T7te Dog-Gondest Dog.       87
can newspapers aided the development of that
complaint, for he was sure to steal all the nigger
earned for us.
He'd walk out on a rainy day for his health,
and always came back with something he'd
found. Once it was a lady's veil. Then it was
half a ham, with a butcher-knife sticking in it.
What he wanted to bring the knife with him
for is more than we know, unless he had to cut
and run! One day he came in with a baby's
cradle. There was some blood on the edge of
it, and all that afternoon the bell-man was out
ringing a bell and yelling, "Boy lost!" John
Brown didn't go out for two or three days!
Once he came in with a wooden leg in his
teeth. That night a wooden-legged soldier was
missing; but as crippled soldiers were of no account, he didn't try to keep shy a bit. He
brought us the leg, no doubt thinking it the
kind of club we like for the La Crosse D1moCRAT. And he used to steal money! He'd go




88         The Dog-Gondest Dog.
into a store and snatch greenbacks out of a cash
drawer, just as handy!
One day he came in with a contribution box
he'd stolen from the entry-way of a close communion church. He. carried the box behind the
end of the sideboard, broke it open-and looked,
sick! John Brown never stole a contribution
box again; and after that, when we'd point to
that box, and smile, he'd drop his tail-what
there was of it-and look mean enough. And
he'd steal halters, bridles, saddles, and such stuff.
And as he grew older, he'd actually unhitch a
horse and lead him across the line into IMlinnesota.  When any one would call out, "John
Brown," he'd go for a horse, sure. And so we
had to change his name.
What to call the cuss we didn't know. But
as he had chawed up so many books, and was
always meddling with what was none of his
business, and grew to be sort of dogmatic, and
radical about his bloody jaws, we left off calling




The Dog- Godest Dog.      8$
him John Brown, and called him Sumner. For
a whi-e he seemed to like it. He was a ambitious dorg, and to keep his name good, meddled
with so much that was none of his business
that at last he got a dog-goned caning, which so
affected his backbone that we had to send for
Anna Dickinson. After she strengthened up his
spinal vertebrae, he howled and ranted around
so we had to change his name again.
So well called him Curtiss. And that seemed
to please him mightily. He'd stand on his hind
legs before a glass, poke the hair out of his eyes,
and when he went out doors he strutted about as
though he was going to fight a Pea Ridge battle! And what notice he'd take of mules I He
fell in love with mules! He became enamored of
mules, and often would lead them to the outskirts of the city and hide them in the bushes.
And he grew into such a taste for cotton. Never
saw aslog so fond of cotton. In fact, he had such
a love for cotton that'twan't safe to let him




90        fThe Dog-Gondest Dog.
walk on the street, nor stay in the sanctum, nor
go to any place, so we called him Sigel. That
bothered him. He had a tough time of it. Gracious, how he'd twist his jaws and bark! And
he loved to get into a dog fight, too. He'd whip
any dog in the city. But it took so long to get
him in a fight, that he was useless. You see
when we wanted him to fight one dog, we'd set
him to fight another one, and then he'd back
into the t'other one, then fight his way out!
But it took so long to learn his style; and then'twan't always convenient to get up two fights,
so we changed his name again.
He grew beautiful each day. In fact, he was
a handsome cuss! And folks.took so much
notice of him he forgot he was nothing but a
poor dog, and he acted so that we thought best
to call him Butler.
You never saw such a change come over a
dog. He grew cunninger and cunninger every
day. He'd go to butcher shops, rub his paws on




T/he Dog- Gondest Dog.      91
the carcass ~f a dead beef, and come home to
make us beieve he'd been fighting. And as he
growled so when he came, and never had any
cuts or wounds on him, we thought he was getting to be terribly brave. But at last we found
him out. And how that dog would strut! And
he grew mean. He'd drive small dogs away
from their bones, and got to chasing kittens to
some point out of harm's way. And he'd snap
and snarl at women-always insulting them.
And he had half-a-dozen pups he'd picked up
around the city, as mean but not as smart as he;
and these pups would chase poor girls into some
corner where he would scowl, bark at, and then,
after rubbing his dirty nose over them, leave
them with some wound on them. But when he
heard a gun, Lord bless you, how he'd run, ahd
hold his tail close between his legs! We had lots
of trouble with him. When he saw a church,
lie wanted to go in and steal something. And
when he saw a telegraph report in the office, he




92        IThe Dog-Gondest Dog.
looked as if he wanted to change it some way.
The only thing he was fit for was to watch jew.
elry stores! Let that dog go by a. show-window
where there would be some silver-ware, and he'd
stand around there all day. And he'd look into
store windows, and break into churches to look
at the communion plate. And he'd follow a
funeral for miles, if there was a silver plate on
the coffin., Most folks thought he was always
one of the mourners. But when we found that
the graves were dug into, and one day saw his
kennel filled with silver plates, screws, etc.,
gnawed from coffin-lids, we knew what a- vehement mourner Butler was. A funeral procession
just passed the door-and that is what the doggoned dog went out for so quick I
If anybody wants a red and brindle, square.
jawed pet of this kind, whose keeping will not
amount to over five or six hundred dollars a
month, unless we have to pay for his stealings,
we'd like to sell him. He is a sweet pet-just




The Dog-GGonde8t Dog.       93
such a purp as some poor man who is not able
to buy a window-curtain or a book for his wife
to read, would want.  He can eat a horse and
chase the rider up a tree any day, and were it
not for his peculiarities, would be a fine dog.
HIe'll eat anything, from an inkstand to a linen
night-shirt —from a pound of candles to a baby
-from a magazine to an india-rubber boat, and
grows more handsome every day he lives. We'll
sell him cheap. For particulars address, with
revenue stamp to prepay return postage on the
dog, which is such a handy thing to have about
yours most dog-goned truly,'"BRICt " Po0moT.




CHAPTER  XI.
PETER OLEUM STRUCK BY " BRICK."
PETROLEUM I You are the Pete for
~?_~    me! Else why! Mr. Moses smote the
rock, and water -gushed forth, first; I
smote its rock, and exceeding much of oil
trickled forth. And I am rich oilso. To find
such much of a greace, doth well a-grease with
me. I skirmished from garret upon oil region.
Ever since I became born, my poverty has been
hard to be borne! I have suffered-I have been
bored by creditors! My credit was run into the
ground. People thought me rich, meanwhile,
and a very meanwhile it was, too! They




Peter Oleum struck by "Brick"    95
thought I had plenty of money; so they wanted
pay down for what I bought. Not wishing to
humor people, albeit something of a humorous,
perhaps I would not purchase many things. I
leased, I bored, I brought it I Veni, vidi, vici!
Oili-ile-si-greased.  Oils well that ends well;
especially if it is an oil well! I bored, and it
came..  I drilled a hole through a rock; and
oilready have been rewarded with so much of
the fuel being prepared for the final conflagration, that I fear the last boil will end in as great
a fizzle as did the Dutch Gap Canal.
And now I am rich-more rich than any man,
or any other man. I have lots of money now,
when I have no use for it. What a queer world!
Nothing like oil I Folks say, "Hallo, here's
Hon.. Mr. Brick just struck a fortune. Deuced
fine fellow, Mr. Brick!" Three months since
I was plain "Brick."  It oil owing to Petroleum.
And now for a splurge. Brown stone house




96     Peter Oleum 8truck by "Brick."
on Fifth avenue, with brown stone frllont, deo
signed by old Brown himself, on both ends of it.
Ried horses with green tails, pink eyebrows, blue
ears, chocolate-colored eyes, frizzled mane, and
matchless style. Yellow wagon with black sides,
purple blinds, and brown top, 2 la clam shell.
Ethiopian driver with white kids, solferino stockings, magenta hat band, and false teeth on guttapurcha base. And a sixty-four ox-stave ethiopiano, with brocatelle drawers, that modesty may
not be shocked by looking at the legs thereof.
And a library devoted to red-backs, yellowbacks, brown-backs, maroon-backs, and even
" greenbacks  "  Darn the expense, quothes I!
And I'll have a park in the woodshed, and a
bathing-tub full of the oil in church, and a wild
buffalo to cut steak from, and oysters as large as
Lincoln's majority, and boots with round toes
and square heels, and a seat in some fashionable
church, and new hoop-skirts for all my hired girls,
and I will employ so many niggers to wait on




Pe~tr Oleumz struck by "Brick."  97
me, that oil I'le have to do will be to be happy.
Oh, Pete! let me kiss you for your Ma! And
I'll lay a-bed mornings, and. I'll sit up oil night,
and bore my friends oil day, till they can't bare-1
it! Talk about honest industry, sawing wood
for the dust, opening oysters for the shells, blacking boots merely to see your face in them, and
being honest forty years waiting for some rich
man to adopt you! Played! Petroleum is the
boy. And now I'll live high. Out of the
house, vain pomp! Away from me, cold cuts,
crackers, cheese, mush boiled, No. 5 mackerel,
warmed-up soup, and brilliant appetites!  I've
struck Pete!
Now, when I go on-the street, folks run to the
window and smile. And they smile at me on
the street. And they ask me to smile in Ginuel
Cock Tail's house. And they all have a kind
word L O, Pete! You're the Roleum for me!
Things in my limited kingdom isn't as they use
to once was!  Farewell, ragged habiliments!
5




98     Peter Oleun struck by "Brick."
Good-by, hungry stomach!  Oil River, cold
shoulders I It's oil right, now. Ten years ago,
Buggins wouldn't speak to me,'cause I was not
well, financially speaking.  Buggins is now as
cordial as horse-radish or hot whiskey. And
when I would wedlock those rich girl, who so
sweetly was unto me, her cruel parients said,
"Oh, poor but honest youth, entice thyself
hence I" And I enticed-nobody! Now, those
girl, and those cruel parients wish me to call.
How are you, bettered circumstances? It is good
to remember oil these things I And the time
dwells in those fond recollections of mine, as
how I was not wanted at fashionable parties.
Now the doors fly wide, and ebony angels of
shoddy swing the panels for me to enter and
revel. 0 Pete  you're oil right, my boy I
Money I More than would wad a columbiad 
Everybody is willing to trust me, now. I have
no need for credit. Rich folks are deuced glad
to see me. They bow very low to me, now.




Peter Oleum struck by "Brick."    99
They didn't once. Great is Peter Oleum, and
boring is its profit! Just to think of it. How I
used to once dig potatoes on shares-turn grindstones for fun-milked cows for the buttermilk —
cotton strings for suspenders-boss's old boots or
freeze toes-hired man's hat or get tanned —
second table or not at all —" dirty-fingered typesticker," or poor mechanic-go afoot or stay behindl Oil is a dream now. Stare, hilarious
days, for poverty are over, and shoddy is, indeed,
envious!
Guess I can kiss Matilda Jerusha, now, and
her dad won't object, for I've struck  ilel
Reckon tailor will have time to make those
raiments for I this week. Think landlord won't
insist upon moving out of his abode. Things
is'working now. Another vein is opened! And
you don't know how nice it is. If I go on a
"bum," folks look over it, now. When I was
poor, they looked into it. I can kick bootblacks, snub poor people, break car windows,




100    Peter Oleum struck by "BriaeR."
throw goblets at waiters, hurrah for any man I
like, wink at whose wife I wish to, tie my team
to shade trees, stand on church cushions with
dirty feet, jam people's hats down over their
eyes, tell a man he is a liar, spit on the carpet,
get drunk or sober, swear or not, as I please,
and its oil right, for I've struck Pete! And I
can sit up oil night, and raise much h-armony.
No one objects.  Mrs. Stiggings says I is the
nicerest man she ever sawed. Mrs. Piggerly
says I is the most delightingest gentlemen she
ever knowed. The Stiggins and Piggerly girls
say I am  mostly exquisitious I It's oil on
account of Peter Oleum, who has lately come
to see me.
And I'm "Lon it," now. Have left my meas.
ure for a set of diamonds the size of a coal bed.
And I have ordered silk shirts, satin stockings,
more antique elastics, and a gold shaving-cup.
And I'll have a guitar, harp, organ, piano, and
tinkling cymbal in the house, oiled with petro.




Peter Oleurn struck by "Brick."   101
leumn, so they will play easy. And my hair
my whiskers, my pocket-handkerchiefs, my big
clothes and my little clothes, shall bask in a
barrel of petroleum while I sleep. 0 Pete,
I'm fixed at Iast I I'll found a church, or founder
a horse. I'll buy a horse-railroad, and run it
with petroleum; hire religious editors to puff
me into Christianity; buy a nomination for a
fat office, and become as stiff as oil-boiled silk.
Go away, poverty, I am wearied of your caresses I You have a large society, but I don't appreciate your grip. Your by-laws are right, but
against my constitution. Now I can give advice,
and it will be heeded. It's nice to have struck
ile-one has so many more friends than he ever
thought for, and people take such an interest
in you. I can go on'Change, buy a few thousand shares on call, sell gold, long or short, deal
in stocks at buyer's option, have a private box
at the opera, shake hands with old Mr. Nabob,
and sing what tune I please. Young man, bore




102    Peter Oleum struck by "Brick."
for oil! Strike Pete, and be happy! Cause
the earth to gush into your lap, and beauty
will gush oil over thee. Strike oil and be
great I
The question once was, who inflicted a blow
under the auricular of William Patterson. Farewell, Pat!  The interrogation now is: "Who
struke Pete?" I've struck him, and once more
am happy. If society wants to come forward
and take a new brother's hand, society can now
do it. If young ladies of fashion wish to carry
me sweetly once ere I become die, they:will
please step forward, and not rumple my clothes I
If any seeker after notoriety wishes to kiss me
for the Sanitary, they can now do it, and one of
my niggers shall hold the stakes. I've struck
Pete, and the result is much gorgeousness of apparel-many good things heretofore known to
me only by observation.
I would not be a poor manI would not if I could



Peter Ole'um struck by "Brick."    103
But I need not fret about it,
For I could not if I would,
while the earth divulges its hidden secrets into
my lap at the rate of three hundred barrels.
Its oil right, now. Once I was merely a bore.
Now I am  a successful borer, and my troubles
have been drowned in oil by the genius of success-Peter Oleum.  Oilways thine,
" PTRIC K" POIMEROY.




CHAPTER XII.
TE UTO NI   ANGUaIH.
FEW years since the country remembers that a steamer, the Lady Elgin,
was lost on the trip from Chicago to
Milwaukee, and about three hundred persons on
board were drowned. The first report was that
all had perished; but several;esaped and returned to their homes, after an absence of from
one to three days. There lived at Milwaukee,
at that time, a burly German, named Trih.eister
Dotswinger, who rejoiced in a three-cornered
lager-beer saloon, an eight-square vrouw, and an
oval-faced cherub of eighteen summers, boy




Tenutonw A2tui8s.         105
by nature, Schneider Dotswinger by name, and
graceful as a young bologna-sausage in all its
pristine bloom.
Schneider coaxed his two derivatives to go on
the ill-fated steamer. News came that she was
lost. The anguish-stricken Teuton, in a paroxysm of grief, called on us in the editorial rooms,
to inquire about his boy. We told him-as we
were informed-that all were lost, and of course
his boy was a goner. He seated himself on a
pile of books, and thus held forth:
"Mlein Gott  mein Gptt!  Mr. Bumroy!'tis
always shust so as it never vash. since it vash so,
und I knows em I I have so mooch droobles dis
day as never vash since I make start mit mine
lager peer grocery. It is shust so all der time,
and I feels so pad all down here mit mine pelly I
Lut us go und make some laerg peer drink, und
I dells you pout dat Schneider vot shust now
lost me. in ter Lady Helshin! "
We accompanied the grief-stricken one to a
5*




106          Teutonic Anguish.
saloon where lager was held forth, and over a
glass of the beverage he thus continued:
"Now, Mr. Bumroy, mine heart be aus ka
spielt (played out). I make so mooch loves ver
dat Schneider as vot no man never makes for his
poy. I'se had so mooch droobles mit him, doo.
Ven he vas un fine leedle poy, fat, shust like un
leedle pig, he had so mooch worms ash no poy
never had, and it dakes more as zwei barrels of
goot lager peer to get dat poy out of der worms.
Take some more peer~, Mir. Burnroy!
"Und den, mine friend, he makes take der
leedle meesels, and goomes out all over in un
solid leedle sphots, shust like un papy vot is so
freckled as never vash; und it cost me more as
doo tollars to get dat Schneider away from dem
shpeckles. Und I makes play mit him on der
vloor und have such fun shpankin him as never
vash, und den he makes mooch grow und goes out
ter door yen he vants too, shust like no pody, so
it does his poor fadder's heart so mooch goot to




Teutcnic Anguish.         107
vratch hiin ash you never saw! Take &ome more
peer,!Tr. Burnroy /
"Und den he make grow shust like notinks.
Und he gets so pig in his leedle sthumach like his
fadder  i He vas shust such a poy ash never vash.
Und he makes himself grow pig, and he drinks
so much lager peer as his fadder, und is so much
help in mine grocery. He draws peer so goot as
I does, und I sits all ter dime seeing Schneider
draw peer, und I smokes mine bipe to shleep all
ter viles! Und now I feels so- pad down here 
Take some more peer, Ayniheer Bumroy!
" Und now dat Schneider vas gone make himself drown on der Lady HelshinI Hle vosh so
goot poy as never vash, and I must make myself
get unodder little Schneider shust like him. I
dell you, Mynheer Buroy, I never make myself veel so pad sine' p-at boy vas notink!"
Just then the door opened, and in came
Schneider, a living witness fresh from the
disaster, brought up by Dennison on the cars.




108          Teutonic Anguzsh.
"Oh, mein Gott! he:.e goomes dat Schneider!"
Jumping up. "Oh, Schneider, you tamm- rascal I
Kiss your fadder! Goom to your poor fadder's
arms!"  They embrace.  "Now  take some
lager peer mit your fadder. Go kiss your mudder, you tamm rascal! Here, kiss your fadder,
you tamm rascal, vot drowns der Lady Helshin!
Und you tamm rascal, ven next you goes mit der
Lady Helshin to ride, you sthay here und sell
lager peer, and lets your poor fadder go have
funs not by a tamm sight! Oh, mein Gott I how
I makes love dat poy! I'd radder find fifty
tollars i gold as drown him mit ter steamboat I"




CIIAPTER XIII.
"-BRICK" AND THE DEACON'S HEXA.. ACON  BRIGHTWATER  lived in
New  Hartford, Nutmeg State.  He
had a red house, a red horse, a red
barn, red fence, a red cow, red window sash, an
old-fashioned red sleigh, a red smoke-house, red
hogs, little red eyes, and a red nose-the very
picture of a New England Puritan. He had a
wife who wore a red petticoat, and had the
readiest tongue a woman ever fired at us. He
had some little ready money, got by making
cider brandy tom stolen apples, and taking toll
from the copper-spattered contribution saucer he




110    "~Brick" and the Deacon's8 Ilexa.
passed in the red church in that settlement of
SxndavT beans, week-day onions, and orthodox
views.
And he had a female child, whose name was
H'exa Brightwater, and who was twenty-nine
years old; wore red stockings, red garters, metaltipped shoes, green spectacles, and the prettiest
red hair the world ever set eyes on or into.
Hexa, a true New England gal, chewed wads of
pine gum, and sweetened her breath with onions.
Ifexa wasn't so much handsomer than a doll as
to make the doll faint; but she was intelligent.
In fact, intelligence was her best hold, but one;
she was great on making baby garments, and had
two trunks full packed away, that she might be
ready as willing when the evil hour drew nigh,
as she trusted it would, from year to year.
Mly father was a common sort of a rooster, and
lived outside of the drippings of New England
blessings. He was taught that in no other place
could there be found women of intelligence, and




"Brick" and te Deacon's Ilexa.   111
he sent me there to find a loving lass, to court
some intelligent beauty, to woo some refined
nutmeggress, and with her return to my rural
home to astonish the barbarians with something
beyond the average of female loveliness.
I went to the Land of Steady Habits.  I
wanted to hand several "Bricks " down to posterity, and was told by father that with  a
New England girl for a wife I could raise more
children, grow more onions, skin more eels, sing
more psalms, know more of what was going on
in the neighborhood, hear more scandal, sleep
less nights, have more relatives, eat more beans,
love myself and hate others more, and get more
out of a dollar, than with any other sort of a
woman in this happy country, so-called.
Deacon Brightwater, with his bright red nose,
was a cunning man. He-was a New England
Christian. He crowded nineteen eggs under a
fourteen-egg hen, always borrowing the five odd
eggs! He smelt of peoples' breath to see if they




112   "Brck" and the Deacon's lexta.
had been drinking liquor, and then made a few
stamps, as a Connecticut Good Templar spy, by
informing against them. He didn't drink him.
self, but got his nose tinted by holding it so
close to the mouths of those who did! He split
matches to make them last longer. He'd pick
up hen's heads to boil them for the fat thereon.
He'd take a claw-hammer, when he went visiting,
to draw tacks from carpets when unseen. He
made cider-brandy, and made it on shares. He
was always trying to swap horses, but never
could find one that worked well on his machine;
so he tried each one until noon, and sent them
home hungry l He was a careful, prudent,
whole-souled, liberal, spontaneous edition of benevolence, who gave his hogs' tails and rams'
horns to the poor, and made prayers longer than
the sweep of his cider mill, but, like that instrument, always pointed down.
Hexa Brightwater never had a beau till I
visited her.  She was too intelligent for the




"Brick " and the L)eaco's IIexra.   113
common herd.  She knew  everything.  She
could tell how long a wad of gum would last,
how much a Southerner made from a nigger,
how iany duck eggs would hatch under a twoyear-old pullet, and when beans were fit to
bake.  She was one of those higher sphere
beings, who could do no wrong; who could not
endure those who did.
How I did spark Hexa! Deacon Brightwater
heard that I had wealth, and he was willing.
He'd go to bed early. He'd play snore so Hexa
and I would hurry up. Mrs. Deacon Brightwater went to sleep, too. She crawled in beside
the deacon-front side.  Their bedroom  door
was always shut by particular request of Hexa.
She knew why it should be closed. I used to
hear a footfall on the bedroom floor.  I mistrusted Hexa's mother used to watch at the
key-hole.  She could see where Hexa and I
sat to squeeze each other's hands, eat candy,
and taste of each other's lips. I didn't like to




114    "Brick " and the Deacon's iliexa.
have her do this.  So one night, when I mlis
trusted, I slipped up beside the door and jablbexd
a wire into the key-hole. It was a long wire.
I heard somebody squeal inside. She died before morning from the effects of that playful,
Puritanical jab! That wire cured the key-hole
disease.  It opened the old lady's eye! The
deacon followed her to the grave. With true
New England affection he put up a tombstone,
on which wasHic jacket Hexa's Mother,
Orphan child without a brother.
She went hence, with a single eye, &c.,
And left I single to go forth!
Tears cannot restore her,
Therefore I weep!
As I pile sod o'er her
All in a heap.
The deacon grow pale, all except his nose.
That wouldn't pale. It was in better spirits.
The deacon married a nigger lady from the




"Brick" aand the Deacon'a ITexa.   115
cotton country, and was happier than ever.
Then lHexa and I had it all our way. We'd
sit in the parlor, I cross-legged, Hexa with one
foot under her, like a duck.  She was strong
minded. She wanted heaps of hugging, and you
bet I was old industry at that business.  She
used to begin our Sunday night devotion by
singing"Arm me with jealous care "
I used to arm her, every time! She liked it.
Then she would read a chapter about how the
waste places should be made glad. I used to
make her waist places glad, lots, till my arms
got so tired I couldn't. Then she'd pillow her
head on my manly chest, and I'd pillow my head
on her manly chest. And we agreed that all I
had should be hern, and all she had should be
mine. She thought mine was more than hern,
but it wan't. Her dad was, rich.
I used to help her weed onions. That was hei




116   "Brick" and tke Deacon's8 aHea.
strong game. She'd snatch an onion bed bald.
headed in four minutes. She never missed a
weed. She knew clover from onions just as easy.
When they all grew in one clump, she'd dissect
them quicker than a cat could lick her ear. I've
seen her snatch for a handful of weeds right in
among the onions, and never faze an un! The
old deacon' said once, as I stood in the barn holding a sheep for him to shear, that there was a
consolation in affliction, for he had buried six
wives and felt that each one was a stepping-stone
over the river to glory. He paused his shearing,
looked skyward up alongside a black bottle he
carried in a side pocket, and resumed his clipping. I saw by his nose that he was affected.
I pitied him. I asked him if the river was
broad. He said it was, and deep. I asked him
if his stepping-stones reached, as yet, near the
glory shore. He said not quite-about half way.
I looked at the humpy old deacon and his bald
head, and as I got sight of his new wife, asleep




"lBrwk" and the Deacon's Hexa.   117
in the sun on the wood-pile, surrounded by a
swarm of admiring flies, anxious to kiss her for
her mother, but too polite to touch her opened
lips, I reverently thought, " Old Cocky, it will be
a wonder if the nigger don't beat you and plant
you first as the next step-stone."
We sheared the sheep. Then we sat under
the fence, and while I tied my shoe I could
hear a gurgle about the deacon's mouth. I
thought it was his nose preparing to blossom,
but it was only cider-brandy.
And we sat there and talked until the noonhour came. We settled our marriage matters,
and I was to have Hexa, if I could get her.
There was a question about the dowry.  The
deacon wanted me to pay the funeral expenses
of his last wife; not but he was glad to get rid
of her, but he found her more expensive after
death than before.  I refused to pay for such
nonsense. He found that I was in earnest, and
let up. If he hadn't, after all I'd spent for




118   "Brick " and the Deacon's rexa.
Hexa, in the way of time and travel, I'd have
gone for his red knob, and he knew it.
By and by the old deacon fell asleep, and I
went in to comfort Hexa. We had a nice time.
She was a rapid talker. I was a mere man of
mud'in comparison to her. She knew she was
smart. She knew all other women were ignorant, for she had been taught it. I didn't love
her for her love, but for her hate. She hated
everything beyond her eyeshot.  She hated
some parts of New England, not because onions
-wouldn't grow there, but because in some places'there were great, ugly Democrats, and they kept
increasing.  But I didn't want a woman to love
me —only one who was intelligent-and so I
Bparked her.
Our marriage-day was fixed. Being an ignorant Western laborer, I was forced to agree to
remain a servant in that household ten years,
to get the hang of their notions.
I had to learn to use a sickle instead of a reap.




"Brick? and the Deacon's Hexa.   119
ing machine-to use psalms instead of melodies
-to work for others instead of myself. It was
all right, for a while. But I couldn't love the
deacon's dusky wife. Did not like her color.
And when I wanted to hunt, I had to shoot
straight up into the air, or down into the well,
for fear of trespassing. And when I wanted to
run and expand my lungs, I was plum against
a stone fence in less than a minute. If I kissed.iexa on the Sabbath, I was fined for it. I was
forced to drink cider-brandy, or nothing; and
I was fed on onions till I sickened of them.
Onions are good for two or three hundred meals,
but for a steady diet, I like them not. I tried
to love Hexa; but as soon as she found I was
betrothed to her, she put on airs.  She made
me hew her wood, draw her water, find her in
food, and pay extra for sewing on my shirt buttons, making neckties, and all such little jobs.
And I had to work hard all day carting
apples from other farms for Deacon Bright.




120   "Brick " and the Deacon's. Hexa.
water to grind up into apple cider to redden
his nose. And if I wanted a drink of cider I
had to pay for' it from over-work. And I had
to work to fix up the little garden patch-to
repair his old mill that wasn't worth repairs.
As the old deacon grows old he grows mean.
As IHexa thinks she has got a fellow tight, she
just everlastingly goes for him. I am the best
worker ever on the place. I make the old farn,
so-called, valuable, and it is for tHexa's interest
to keep me. But she hates me-she is jealous
of me-she don't try to make it pleasant for
me-she quarrels with me, and says I am
nothing but a great ugly brute. She scolds me
till I could almost die, steals my trinkets, cuts
up my clothes for rag carpets; and whenever
she goes to a tea-party, she tells folks what a
mean cuss I am and what a sweet intelligent
angel she is.
Some day I'll quit on lexa-we'll go through
that old cider-brandy mill, and leave for the




"Brick" and the Deawn's Hem.   121
West, where I can see daylight without being
obliged to look straight up, and where I can
find some one better natured, if not so smart
to sew on buttons and make neckties.  I'll
work on-but keep getting my little duds in
shape-and some day be off in earnest, and let
the deacon sing his psalms, and let Hexa weed
her onions. Thoughtfully thine,
"BRICK " POMEROY.




CHAPTER  XIV.
CURiM FOR A COLD.
HAVE been very sick. It was a cold.
A dab bad cod id de ed. I came near
going for to quit. I went so far down
the lane, it was a grave question whether it were
best to retrace or trace ahead. I caught it ever
so easy. The fire went out.. The lamp flickered
low. The kitchen clock tolled the death of the
day as I told the girl I loved her. The clock
struck as the idea struck me I was getting cold.
I told the girl so. We sat on a sofa. Said she,
"Sit up closer." In her lap we laid our head.
Who cared for a little cold? We talked of lots.




Cure for a Cold.        123
We talked low, because we were down-stairs. I
caught the cold, but not the girl. Then I went
to a doctor-a doctor of physic-so I met-aphysic! How do you like that joke? He felt
of my tongue and looked at my pulse; said I was
sick. Told me to go home, soak my feet, cover
up in bed, eat nothing for a week, and be well.
Gave him five dollars and saw my landlord.
He said no deductions could be made on board,
so I couldn't follow my physic's advice. Then I
saw another doctor. He told me to take two
bottles of hot drops, a bed-blanket covered with.
mustard, and go to bed. Told him I didn't want
a hot drop till I dropped in forever. Told him I
didn't want to be mustered in that way. Told
him I didn't want to go to bed. Then I saw
another knight of the scalpel. It was the same
night that I saw him, though. He told me to
take cod-liver oil and honey. Told him I had no
cod liver. Then he said I must eat cold tallow.
Said I, "That never agrees with me." Then ho




124          Cure for a Cold.
told me to eat fat beef. I thought him a
humbug, and went elsewhere. Thought I'd -try
the cold-water plan. Eminent hydrantopothist
told me to soak my head in ice-water; soak my
feet in ice-water; sit in a barrel of ice-water two
hours; bathe my back in ice-water; eat pounded
ice till I sweat, and I'd feel better. Good way
to get up a sweat; but then it would have
spoiled a skating-pond to have done it.
Another doctor told me to us6 dumb-bells.
Supposing he meant a deaf and dWunb girl, I declined. Another Esculapius told me the homceopathist style was all the rage. Gave me five
thousand little pills, marked A. Gave me five
thousand more little pills, marked B. Gave me
five thousand more little pills, marked 0. Told
me to take one pill in a pail of water every five
minutes; to take another pill in two pails of
water every four minutes. Told me to take
half of another pill in five pails of water every
two minutes. Took two pills and went to the




C',re for a Cold.          125
river. Hired a boy to dip up and pour down.
Emptied the river in ten minutes. Changed my
base to a young lake, and went at it again. Cold
didn't improve —that is, the cold didn't improve
me. Went home mad. Gave fourteen thousand
pills to a chap who pilfered chickens from the
barn. He still lives.
Another doctor told me to take calomel.
Another told me to drink hot whiskey. How do
you like that? Two good doctors. Glad I meta-physics in such spirits. Sent two barrels of
whiskey to my room. First tried a pint of hot
whiskey. It loosened my eyes. Then I tried a
pint of cold whiskey. It fixed them all right.
Then I moved with great vigilance upon a pint
of hot whiskey. It loosened my legs. Then I
threw my left flank around a pint of cold whiskey. Felt better. Then I tried some hot whiskey.  Fine doctors.  Rather like them  both.
Tried some more cold whiskey. It affected my
head, somewhatly. Tried another pint of hot




126          Cure for a Cold.
whiskey. Very fine doctors-know just how tc
cure a cold. Shall employ them by the year.
Tried two pints of cold whiskey. Began to feel
better; felt like another man. Fine doctors;'I
love them quitely. Kept on with the whiskey;
felt like three or four new men; but there never
lived such good doctors. Tried half a quart of
cold whiskey mixed with half a quart of hot
ditto. Ditto always means whiskey. Felt better; felt like a company of new men. Tried to
get in line; formed in shape of a hollow square
on the floor. Took some more whiskey; don't
remember whether it was hot or cold, or cold or
hot.  Felt much better.  Passed a vote of
thanks to the physicians; felt better. Drank to
their health; got the whiskey mixed. Felt like
a brigade of new men. Tried to surround my
enemy. Moved upon his works, and he gave me
bottle. Took another position. Threw my entire corps to the front.  Attacked the commissary camp, and took a pint of whiskey pris



"Drank to their health; got the whiskey mixed. Tried
to surround my enemy. Moved upon his works and he
gave me bottle."-Page 126.








.Cure for a Cold.         12'i
oner. Fine doctors; like their way of curing
colds. A good way; was five days proving it
to be a good way. Hair pulls a little, but it was
on account of the cold. They said I'd feel like a
new man, and I believe them. When you have
a cold, try the new style.
Spiritually,
" BRICK" POMEROY.




CHAPTER XV.
"BRICK" POMEROY SENDS THE PRESIDENT HIS
ANN-ALICE.
OTHING like being known as a scien.
tific personage. Abraham read that I
had struck "Peter," and forthwith, on
returning from the Peace Conference, thus arrested my attention:
WE=m House, Feb. 12,'65.
"Sccessful' Brick:' —Your striking' Pete'
reminds me of a little story, and you are hereby
authorized to march upon some oil section,
examine the country, find oil, analyze it, and
report forthwith to me. You will travel incog.,
at owner's risk, at your own expense, and I will




ends the President his Ann-Alice.  129
settle the bill.  See, in your explorations that
nobody is hurted.            A. LiCoLN."
Protected, authorized, and commanded by this
document, set out, armed with witch hazel-rods,
a large gimlet, a string of auger holes to
drive down, pair of opera glasses, the amnesty
oath with sugar in it, pair of brogans reaching to
the knees, four reams of foolscap, a trunk full of
greenbacks, cigar box full of clothes, and much
rectitude in those heart of mine concerning the
Petrolia Bory Alis, for which I was to make
light for this wicked world. Arrived on the spot
which General Dix once proposed to shoot a man
on, I pitched my tent, took the oath diluted with
hot water and sugar, became intent on the bore,
and proceeded with my procedure. First went
through the rod, nature's greenbacks when the
m, )on is right.
At fifty feet, -struck a strata of Egyptian
marble, in which dead Ethiopian frogs, mer.
6*




130  Sends the President his Ann-Alice.
maids, and such works of art were imbedded
and petrified with astonishment.' At seventy
feet, passed through a deserted Indian village.
At ninety feet, struck a balloon which had
Chinese hieroglyphics on the bottom, bound up.
At ninety-six feet, bored through a country
school-house, where a girl of nineteen sat in a
petrified state, oiling her hair with petroleum.
At one hundred and ten feet, passed two dogs
imbedded in solid rock, guarding a baby, which
evidently had been rocked to sleep, -as it was
exceedingly much dead!  Twenty feet further
down, an obstacle so hard presented itself that I
could not drive the auger hole, so was obliged to
resort to a yard of drilling. Brought up a little
wool, some thick pieces of skull, from which I
was led to the belief that I had struck the head
of a sable son of Ham. If so, I beg the pardon
of the defunct Hammer.
At the depth of two hundred feet I struck a
cooper shop, and from this judged oil was not fat




Seitu  the President his Ann-Alice.  131
below, so advanced with caution. Ten feet
further down I ran into a gin-mill, and felt in
better spirits. At the depth of two hundred and
fifty feet, struck a bottle of old rye. I knew civilization was not far distant, and waited. Soon
a reliable contraband came along, and said I
was oil right, and by urging my auger holes
thirty feet farther into the stomach of the earth,
I should be rewarded. * I never can forget the
debt of gratitude to this poor, down-trodden
brother, who so kindly was unto me, and who I
love so very much! Reliable contraband! I
caressed him sweetly for the feminine half of his
immediate ancestry, and drove on with my bore I
I passed several valuable sections of farming
land, rivalling the prairies of Illinois; a few
stratas of property resembling Connecticut stone
fence; some loyal streaks, which proved to be
coal; several gold and silver lodes; sandstone and slate enough to furnish all of
Brigham Young's children; salt.water, in tiers,




132  Sands the President his Ann-Alce.
and a variety of photographic views of eminent
roosters belonging to this or to some other world.
At the depth of two hundred and eighty feet,
I struck a rich vein of patriotism. I looked for
the model military man, Butler, as I went down;
but met some victims coming up, who said he
was down so low that no mortal could reach
him, no matter how fast he drove his bore. Six
feet further down I struck a box of Continental
currency, on which green mildew was rapidly
gathering; and several settlements of freed
negroes, relieved from bondages since the war
began.
At the depth of three hundred and seven feet
nine inches and a fraction over a fifteenth, I
struck Pete very much in the crude state, and
now glory in a well which spurts seven hundred
barrels of crude, and nine hundred barrels of
refined petroleum, every six minutes. And the
well is not yet in active operation. On analyzing the precious liquid, I find it to contain, in




Sends  the Pre,8ident hi Ann-Alice.  133
the crude state, two thousand parts, as followeth,
to wit:
Peter........  2  Nigger boarding-house. 65
Oleum..... 4   Opera..... 18
Oil........ 3  Country residence.. 22
Diamond dust.. 20  Good opinion of neighStore clothes...19    bors.....    300
High living....86  Greenbacks....  700
Patriotism.....   1  Watering-places..  100
Fast horses....   70  Internal revenue... 2
Brown stone house'.. 64  Neglect of poor relatives 19
Champagne suppers.. 90  Hilarious nights.. 26
Headache next morning 95  Poodle dogs and serCrinoline..... 21  vants..      30
Cushioned pews. 14  Genuine comfort. 800
Style..... 11
Total Ann-Alices...... 2,000
I have tried the crude Peter in my family with
most gratifying results.  It is good for all the
ills flesh has an heir to, and a margin over for tomlorrow. It will cure croup, plumbago, chronic
inebriation, ODutch Gap Canals, corns, onions,




134:  Sends the President his Ann-Alice.
leaks in boots, sore head (for politicians), fenera
af all kinds, cancer on the pocket, bald-headedness, tight boots, and is the great instantaneous
cure for all poverty, even in the most hopeless
stages, or on foot, for that matter. Applied according to directions, it will sweep carpets, write
letters, play faro, drive fancy horses, read late
novels, visit opera, cause hair to grow on a boot
heel, cut finger-nails, answer the door-bell, unlock hearts, brush clothes, mend watches, make
champagne cocktails, edit newspapers, collect old
bills, embroider cloaks, pick out the best cuts in
market, sweep the streets, pick teeth on steps of
fashionable hotels, make stump speeches, deliver
lectures, kiss all the girls, cut out ladies' slippers,
catch a pickerel, run a steamboat on the Upper
Mississippi in time of drouth, write obituaries for
Bethel fishermen, elect second-rate men to office,
shut up your neighbors' eyes and mouths, and all
on one application.
The refined article is still more wonderful




Sends the President his Ann-Alice.  135
Applied gently, it will paint a lady's cheek.
plumpify her fair form  and  figure, play the
piano, ornament the walls, cure drunkenness,
secure prayers from the clergy, make old clothes
as good as new, cure fits, gout, blues, repinings;
put marble floors in dwelling-houses, match
horses, color gray hair and whiskers jet black,
varnish faults invisible, and keep pocket full
of cash.  There  is no  perfume like  it in
the world, especially in the crude state!
I find also that for the cure of broken hearts
it has no equal. Two doses will cure a boy of
using tobacco. Applied with' a feather, it will
saw wood, hoe corn, pour molasses on hot pancalkes, dodge behind the door after kissing
another man's wife, husk oysters, divorce clam
shells, crack butternuts  in  farmer-boy style,
hatch chickens from wooden eggs, shut hot stove
doors, cure jealousy, mend burnt dresses, frizzle
hair, teach a minister to make short prayers




136  Sends the President i8 Ann-Alwzoe.
when tlhere are no cushions on the pew seats,
give fashionable children lessons in politeness,
pay salaries of country preachers more promptly,
and protect army chaplains from  camp evils.
It will also solve chess problems, point horse
nails as well as jokes, make cider, and play the
violin.
From  developments being made, I expect to
be able in a week to report that: add to the
comfort of boarding-houses, carpet church
aisles, soften sleeping-car berths, keep tobacco.
chewers from soiling carpets, restore peace, lessen
the price of gold, bolster up damaged reputations, marry old maids, find homes for war
widows, make conductors honest, keep women
from gossip, curl straight hair, and give free
passes on all railroads. Such is my Ann-Alice
of Peter Oleum. With assurances of my most
formidable distinguished consideration, and the
Iighest. personal regard for Your Highness, and




nds the, Preident his 8 An-Aice.  137
hoplag these few lines, which I take my pen in
hand to hope you will enjoy the same blessing
I have the pleasure to submit my Ann-Alice for
Oil for Science.
"BRICK " POMEROY




CHAPTER XVI.
" BRICK" "AD KALISTA.
HOSE other girl of ours, as we are informed by letter, has done gone and
got well locked unto a tinkerist of
the gospel who attends prayer-meetings, swaps
horses, stands  chaplain  in the  army, and
gets drunk on the sly! Oh, dear! This is
much misery! Wherefore shall we flea go
unto now? How we used to do courting for
those girl. Candy, peanuts, lozenges, peppermint drops, little balls of honey-soap, night
blooming for seriousness, and such evidences,
did we pour into them  lap of hers whereon




"Brick" and'aliita.       139
at vesper chimes this head of ours did erst so
sweeterly rest.  Oh, dear!'Twas all O Klista I
We used to blacken. our boots, starch our
hair, grease our shirt, and curl our eyebrows
for them  girl. And we rode horse for her
paternal derivative to cultivate corn; and we
milked the brindle heifer as what no other boy
could milk; and we split oven-wood-and who
would not — for her ma.And at night, when bats came forth, and
tumble-bugs crawled over the lea, and young
pullets sat in maiden meditation fancy free,
holding their head under one wing so.as to
learn love by hearing their hearts beat, we
would hasten under Kalista's window, and she
would, with her lily-white hand, snail us up by
the hair till we arrived at the bower of love,
as she called her garret.'Twas thus our hair
became less, and our confectionery for Kalista
increased.




140        "Brick" I and Kais&.
When the week had busted on the rock of
Saturday night, we used to wander by the brook.
let and let the brook wander, too. And Kalista
went forth with us. Hand in hand, like the
Siamese twinsters, we roamed, and sat on the
dewy bank to catch colds in our heads, and luxuriate on the "'bank wet with dew! " And we
used to recline against a fatherly or motherly elm
tree, and squeeze our each other's hands as we
rolled our eyes and peeked upward into the blue
vault our spirits longed.to vault into, but didn't.
Oh, this sparking is Heaven in two earthly volumes, with the price-mark omitted! Did you
ever spark? If not, advance your works upon a
female crinoline-dear, and commence active hostilities to oncet.
Once we sparked Kalista when her mother
was looking. The old lady stopped us,'cause it
reminded her of other times, she said. But she
didn't keep us stopped. When we wanted to repose our head, Kalista held her lap, and into it




"Brick " and.Kalstca.      141
we went like an apple. When we wanted a
kiss, we told Kalista such was our desire, when
she would lean her amber head over upon our
forces, and say: "Now,'Brick,' tea is ready."
You jest can gamble we took tea from that little
table lots of times, and never asked any one to
help put back the plates! Kalista was a zephyr
on the kiss. It was pretty near her best holt.
Making much was Kalista's charm. When the
water would boil, how she did sprinkle meal
into the iron-iron-recepteakettle, and shake
her locks in glee to'see the infant mush bubble
and splutter like a fellow kissing a baby with
his mouth full of beechnuts.
We courted, sparked, and courted Kalista
seventeen long years. She grew from sighs to
greater size, and all went merrily as a funeral
bell. Kalista's maternal author said we might,
and we intended to. We sat on rail fences,
end boards to wagon-boxes, piles of pumpkins,
heaps of potatoes, door-steps, saw-logs, plough.




142        "Brick " and Kali8ta.
beams, pine-stumps, where we told our love,
and, in anticipation, combed our hair, peeled
our potatoes, chopped our hash, rocked ourwell, never mind-wore our old clothes, except
when we had company, and waxed fat on love
and sich. Kalista's father said we might, and
there again we had things bagged. We counted
our calves, and weighed our pork, and sold our
veal, and churned our little mess of butter,
and took cur wool to market, and put up our
little preserves, and revelled in that future which
is so much like an oyster —more shell than
meat.
One day a baulky steer slung one of his back
hoofs in among the old gent's waistband, and
after a series of severe discomfort, the old
rooster went hence in February, when we all
followed with a march  Kalista was a sensitive plant, measuring fifty-nine inches around
afflictions, and so we murdered the steer, and
made him into smoked beef. And at supper




"Ba-ck " and Kaita.         1143
table, and as we lunched between the heavy
courting, we chawed the beef, and thus Kalista
and us got satisfaction frojm the juvenile ox
who steered his foot so wickedly.
Then Kalista's mother, who would not partake of the beef, took cold in her head, and
went hence. It was autumn-one of the fall
months. The mother of our heart's poison-as
we family-arly called Kalista-was of an inquiring disposition.  She always asked numerous
things. She asked the egg man if chickens
abided in the shells of the hen-fruit she bought.
She wanted to know why rounds were put in
ladders crosswise instead of up and down. She
wanted to know why pants were made so that
a man could not take them off over his head.
She said, in her innocence, that an eclipse was
caused by a nigger convention between her and
the moonl But why the moon fulled rather
busted the venerable mother of our Kalista,
and she sought to study it out. She read Da




144        "Brick " and Kali8ta.
boll's Arithmetic, Sands' Spelling-book, Robinson
Crusoe, and the La Crosse DEMOCRAT; but she
could not get her fork into the reason. The
old lady read in an almanac that on a certain
night the moon would full. We went to see
Kalista that night, to see if our love would
full. The old lady determined to watch it and
see how a moon fulled, and when it fulled, and
what for did it full. Night came, and she wrapped one leg of a pair of red flannel drawers
about her head, and when all in the house was
still, she emerged into the sitting-room, and
in her antique costume. The old lady says:
"Brick, your supper is ready!"  So we went
into the parlor, and kissed the hours away
Very fine supper I
The old lady took an almanac, a New York
Directory, and a tallow candle out on the back
stoop. She anchored in a big chair, and waited
to see the moon change its clothes. She looked,
and looked, and at last fell asleep for a moment,




"Brick" and Kalistc.       145
when, as she said, the darned -thing up and
fulled, and she didn't see it!
She was not an observing female, but she
never lost any children. Yet, for all that, the
moon worried her-her candle went out. Kalista was left to be her own mother, or do without. Kalista took grief very healthy. She wore
mourning, and looked well, as she wept because
the jeweller did not get her mourning-pin done
in time. She ironed a new cotton handkerchief
on the coffin lid, so as to have some use of the
furniture ere it was knocked down, and was
ready to wedlock then. Kalista was lonesome
when her authors were gone, and we should have
wedded but for the looks of the thing.
Then there came from the war a journeyman
converter, and he offered Kalista all he had, at
once. And Kalista, being a lonesome girl, said
she would, and she did. And her and the good
man went to the carpenter's and ordered a
graveyard fence for the loved relatives, and the




146         "Brick" and Kalista.
worker of wood threw in a cradle, and the pair
wedded at once, and now Kalista is telling some
other delegate' that "supper is ready l"  And
thus another of our hopes is spilled oyer life's
precipice, and we are left to mourn for the
candy we gave unto Kalista, who has left us all
alone fbr to die!




CHAPTER XVII.
"BRICX" POMEROY'S EVENING WITH ARION.
IJ~ RION said come! The C. T. was not
enveloped in mystery, but in a white
envelope, as all complimentary tickets
should be. Grand fancy dress ball. Academy
of Music, wit, fashion, shoddy, petroleum, and
pretty faces, masked batteries, and such! Did
you ever? In this ungodly settlement dwells a
charmer. An angelic charmer of the gentler
persuasion. She wears hoops. Nineteen springs
have fallen over her head. Those dear head,
which so erst has reposed on the stalwartest of all
arms known in the "Brick" family.  Angelic,




148    "Bmckn'X" Evening  l Ao.
said youl We went to costumer's. Much display
of variety. I went E Pluribus Naturalibus, with
mask. Angelic dressed gassy, with white skirt,
pink gaiters, corn-colored white kids, red ribbon
in muchness, hair widely and vehemently frizzled,
and a papier-mach6 mask, which got mashed over
her face, to the great damage of the rouge, who
so loves to linger about your lips, you know;
We went to the ball. Man with a bear's head
and a three-tailed ape took tickets. Angelic and
I went in on the roll. Gorgeousness of raiment,
and much elevation of head, as though we had
each a breast-pin made from crude petroleum;
skirmished to the front, advanced masked battery
to the stage, flanked a brace of pretty girls with
No. 2 gaiters, encamped in a corner of the Arion
platform, took Ange's hands in one or two of my
hands, and began to grow delirious with pleasure. Ange is a sweet girl, and each returning
vernal ripens the love which ripens on her tulips,
as pitch oozeth from bark in pine tree. And




:'Brick's " Evenmig with Arion.   149
when it comes to sweetness they do say there is
much in I to admire, but it is not as yet generally known. Ange has taken a working inter.
est, and intends developing the property evenings, when the rose sleeps and two lips waken.
But why this digression?  Yes. Why this di?
We sat. There was an uproariousness of music
right and left. There was an army of beauty in
the galleries. Yea, there was great beauty in the
gals I And at the stage-when we went on the
stage-there were boisterous boys on the platform clad in all the queerness of ridiculousness. That ball seemed like a living edition of
Babel, or Aldricht's "Baby Bell." It seemed
like a modern Congress in full blast, the more so
as several innocent ducks, resembling human
mourning goods, were to be seen in the scene.
We sat and gazed. Ange is good on the gaze.
Pretty soon a huge rooster offered his arm to the
girl, and she cackleated she'd wander with him.
He comes it over me very fowl! I hitched in




150    "Brick'8" Evening with Arion.
with a Swiss peasant girl with a milk-pail.
Charming little Swiss. Asked her in Swiss, "Wilt
prenode?"  Answered she in Teuton, "Yah!'
Just then the brass band began to toot on, and
we walked. Run against soldier. Soldier man
scowled. Run against two clowns turning flip.
flaps. Nobody hurt. This is quoted! Run
against many people. Did not like the jam.
No preserves in such jams! Took a lean against
private box with girl. Chinese juggler, with a
tail on his head like a bovine's narrative, advanced and enraptured my little diary to waltz
with him. All right; I hunted for Ange. Just
then a tall duck with black leggins, red vest,
steel helmet, cross-bars on his back, and huge
gloves, waltzed by with my Ange in his arms.
I waxed wroth.'Twas not for that I went to
see Arion-his ball. The music was fine. The
black knight, who might have been black as
night, or a good fellow, waltzed well; but, lordy,
how vigorously he voted on the hugging ques.




"Brik's " Evening with Arion.   151
tion! Around they went, dodging, bobbing,
whirling, darting, and scooting to the right and
left, his arms making, in the language of the
Psalmist, the waist places glad! Didn't I wish
those arms were my arms? Then a herculean
Indian grabbed my Ange and whirled her off in
the forest of humanity; his arms about her waist,
and my heart growing wild with rage-for I
can't dance. And that was a funny Indian. He
never got tired-at least he did not pant! Oh,
dear! If this fun is not original, it is worseaboriginal. Waltzing is sweet; but darn your
hugging-when some one else is hugging your
girl! That's what's the matter!
In the jam I lost Ange.  I saw everybody
and everything else. Dukes and dukesses, nuns
and nunesses, kings and kingesses, clowns,
Yankees, fat boys, Chinese, Indians, priests,
warriors, horse-jockeys, pill-doctors, demijohns,
photograph shops, lobsters, pirates, ballet girls,
dominos, cowls, and all manner of disguises,




152     "Brick's" Evening?with Arion.
but no Ange! Pretty soon, in a fit of'desper
andeum, I froze to a pink skirt with a blue maskShe was dressed like a poet. We, arm in arm,
did wonders. I bent my head low, and in
gentle tone and manner said:
Gentle maiden, wilt thou tell
This stranger where thou dost dwell?
Give me thy name, and who thou art,
And rapture bring my beating heart.
And thus gently she spoke: "Nix for-stay.".
Good-by, poor Dutchess  I have entangled
sleeves with a queen of night, whose pensive
brow and heaving breast caused me to think,
love her I must. We promenaded. Gently she
poised her two hundred pounds avoirdupois on
my arm, and now her fat fingers rested on mine.
Poetry seized me, and I gently remarked:
Come to the heart for you now achingCome, raise that deep mask, that I may behold
The beauty of her I round here am taking,
And on thee I'll squander a fortune in gold.




"Bric's " Evening wit Arion.   153
And she replied in sweet accnts, " Sprachen ye
Deitch? "
I gave her up, and made for a gentle nymph,
or nymphess, with magic wand, and the zodiac
on her apron. Said I, "Wilt walk? " and she
wilted. She was fair, else she had not masked.
So said I, "Oh! sweet astrologer lady, wilt
thou tell the secrets of the stars for me? Tell
me, lovely one, if I am to wed a nymph or
a nymphess; or if I am to wander through time
with no fond soul to cheer me on to high and
noble deeds, and no dear hand to comb my hair
when tight?" And she said, "Mein Gott in
Himmel!"
Verily, verily, I believe all Arion's girls are
Dutchesses. Then I made love to a neat, little
sewing girl, and she raised hei mask-to show me
a mustache and inquire for a chew of tobacco.
Sold! And the jam increased. Tried to find
Ange.  Might as well look for patriotism in a
bounty-jumper. Tried to get a supper-room
7*




154   "Brick's" Evening with Arion.
No go. Tried to get out. Impossible. Never
saw such a crowd. Could not have got another
person in the building, unless melted and poured
in through a funnel. Lost my mask, my cc attail, my Ange, and my shape. Got home next
morning all out of shape, but bound to see Arion
next year, if Congress will pass a law against
waltzing with my girl, or for the restoration of
the angelic partner of my jammings who was
lost in that crowd.  I am foot-sore, side-sore,
and badly out of shape; but a petroleum vapor
bath will bring me to myself, and perhaps bring
back my Ange.




CHAPTER XVIII.
"BarCKX' POMEROY'S EXPERIENCE AT NIAGARA FALLE
was two o'clock when I got there.
We went to the International, because
I wanted to get inter the national inn.
George Colburn, the best -and best-looking
hotelist in the Northern Confederacy, is at the
International, and he is the chief among ten
thousand'and the one altogether now, three
cheers for George.
I took a room. That is, we didn't take it.way, for it was too large to carry.
3eig in a hurry, we borrowed a candle and




156   "Brick'8 "  xperience at Niagara.
an mbrella and went forth in the night to lo
at the -beauties of nature. Waterfalls are beamr
ties of nature. Selah!
We couldn't see it. That is the Falls. The
water tumbled over so fast it hid the falls. Niagara is a great tumbler. There are several
tumblers full of it. Next week they are to shut
off at 7 P. M., and let on at 6 A. M., except on
special occasions. This will save water, and prevent folks from seeing them without paying for
them.  This is because our colored brother
fought so!
We went to our room. The dam roaring out
of the window sounded like an army of Fenians
or the rushing of many waters. I couldn't sleep,
so we raised the window open and looked on
the beauties of nature. Bully for nate.
After a whiile tor wo I fell. That is we fell
asleep. What a fall. But not a waterfall 
I dreamed of thee. And there came a rapping
apon the chamber. That is to say upon the door




"Brick's" Experierm at Niagara.  157
thereof. It was made of glass and was fiUll of
cider, with lemon rind in it and saccharine about
the edges.
" Colbu'ln's comps."
We looked to see what it was, and while
looking we lost sight of it. But to memory dear.'Twas good. We sent for another. It came.
Was in need of food. Had read of rinderpest in
cattle, so we sent for another glass thing full of
cider. It came.'Twas good. Still hungry.
Thought of "fish bait" in pork. Dare not eat
pork. Sent for another glass full of cider. The
curly-haired cause df the late war smiled.
Drank the cider. Felt hungry. Wanted to eat,
but the plague in sheep makes mutton dangerous.
Couldn't think of mutton, so we tried for another
glass of cider. That cider never saw apples, but
it must have been made in a cider mill. It
made our head think of the way the horse went
round. Still hungry. Dare not try sausages.
Dogs are poisoned. So we sent for another glad




158   "Brick's " Experience at Niagara.
of that, of Colburn. Wanted to know why these
things were thus. Still hungry. Thought of
ordering fish; but they are poisoned with cocculus
indicus. Dare not try fish, for fear some coroner
would have to officiate on account of the fish I
ate. That is a scaly pun-on a small scale. If
the somebody will spear my life, I'll never
be caught on that line again by hook or by
crook.
I had nine of those beverages in one hour.'Twas on account of our thirst. Thought it about
time to arise and girdle our armor on. -Must
see Niagara. Unlike gold, the more it falls the
better it pleases. Didn't feel hungry. Thought
best to get up. Advanced out of bed. Thought
I'd take bath. Bath brick are good; so thought
a brick bath would be good. Changed our mind.
Sat down on edge of bed. Drew on one leg of
drawers. Felt queer. The bed had changed
iides. Lopped down on bed to hold it straight.
PulIed on one boot.  Put on vest. Tried to




"Brick'8" Experience at NViagartt.  159
get night-shirt off after vest was on.  Nightshirt beat us. Put on hat. Put on other boot.
Tried to pull drawer on over boot. Couldn't.
Tried to put on stocking without taking boot
off. Couldn't. Rested. Rang for ice-water.
Tried to button paper collar to bosom studs.
Collar was too short. Tried to put pants on
over head, by holding our legs close together.
It is an impossibility I Tried to get suspenders
under vest without taking vest off. Made our
hair pull! Singular how light hair will pull.
Tried to tie necktie with one end over our
shoulder. Rang for a waiter to find other half
of necktie. He found it! Paid waiter a tendollar bill by mistake. Tried to brush our teeth
with tooth-brush. It had grown so. It was the
nail-brush'! How our hair pulled! Pulled itself. Had waiter pour ice-water on our head.
Had him  rub it. Felt better. Niagara Falls
are good for headaches!  Was four hours in
dressing. Took six naps while dressing.'Noth




160   "Brick's" Experience at lNiagara.
ing extra about our wardrobe either. Simple
and short, like a Fenian war!
Went to dinner. Lots of pecple went to din
ner. Was not severe on the appetite, but we
souped, fished, boiled, baked, roasted, fricasseed,
side-dished, entrded, relished, pastried; was
wined, raisined, appled, oranged, figged, and
nutted, till our herculean frame felt as full as
those head did, after the ninth cock-tail in the
A.m. Then a genteel artist, of brunette cast of
features, brought us a blue bowl of lemonade.
A pint of water, one little piece of lemon about
the size of a coat button, and a small towel. A
very young towel  Following the example of a
countryman at an opposite table, we drank the
lemonade, but it was too thin to be exhilarating! Guess it wan't a good day for lemonade.
Reckon lemons were skirce!
Never saw so much water for so little " fruit"
before. Great watering-place-that is, for lem
onad%




"Br7ick's " pieerience at Nizagara.  161
Then I went out.  We went out. Went
out to look at the Falls, that is what we mean.
Couldn't see the Falls in the House. Wan't a
good cay. At least Colburn said so, and hoe
knoweth. Went out with our sweethearts to see
the Falls. Wanted to walk. Wanted to rest in
that way. Stepped out of the house. Turned
the corner.
" Have a carriae!
"No, thank you. Ah, my dear, how beautiful this is-here is the bridge to Goat. Islandno goats there now, however. See how the
mighty current "
" Have a cariage —drive you all over ""No, thank you. The mighty current breaks
over the ledges with irresistible force to
leap""I 8ay, mi8ste, will you have a carriage —tae
you and your ""No, thank you I "
"Leap over the awful precipice to mingle




162   "Bric's8" Evrience at Niagara.
with the green waters below. Let us walk up
this way to obtain a better view of""Drive you all cobut the Ilancdfor two dol
lars "
"No I "
"The stream as it makes the curve, and leaps
along to its death, as'twere."
"How beautiful!"
"Yes, indeed! We will cross this bridge and
go down to Luna Island, where we can hear "" TTry my fine garriage, fyneer. It is 8hust
der pest ""' No-nix-nein I"
"The roar of the waters as they seem to
say -
"S'hust dake you so goot all over ter falls for
a tollar! "
"No-nein-nix-no —don't want to go over
ter falls"" Thunder and  lightning-excuse  me-but
what was I going to say  "




'"Brick 8" Experience at Niagara.   163
"And from here, my dear, we see down the
river to the Suspension Bridge-can see the
channel worn by the waters, which say as plain
as words"
"Want a darrzage-arve you all over th
Islandifor a dollar!"
"No, thank you —prefex to stand right.here!"
"Can speak that the age of the world is
greater than ""A'desr'ption of all the points  of interest,
only ffty cent8! " says an old man with a little
book.
"No, thank you-have been here -before! —
"We think for.  Let us now walk up the
bank, watch the rippling waves by the shoregather a few flowers-listen to the roar of the
wondrous falls-rest'neath the shade of these
wide-spreading  branches, and  drink  in the
beauties of this wonderful place. Ah, my dear,
here is a little shady bower-the grass carpet is
rich, green, and clean-here is a rustic bench —




164   "Brick's " Experience at Niagara.
the sun cannot find us, and side by side sitting
we will-.Ragged boy-" Show yer anything you want
to see for a quarter! "
"Go'way! Wouldn't give a quarter to see
anything we want to see, unless it is you in the
dim distance! Get!
".Let care go dancing down the winds, and
forget the busy world. Really, this is worth a
long journey. And now let us go over to the
tower, whose base is washed by the waters which
so soon leap down into the foaming abyss, never
to return.  What fine walks -what beautiful
drives, what "" Want a nice camrriae-drive you home for
half a dollar!"
" Yes! Just wait here till we come back!"
"Can't see it!"' Splendid views.  Across there is Canada.
That is the Clifton House, the great Confederate
Headquarters during the late war. And do you




"Brick's " Experience at Niagara.  165
see tle crowd of red-coats over there?-the
Queen's Own, on the Queen's legs, with the
Queen's arms, trembling in fear of the'blarsted
Finnygans,' and all that sort of thing, you
know!"
" Ah! they are preparing for evening parade.
We hear the drum and fife, we almost hear "" Carriage, sr - drive you back for three
dollars!"
"The  command of the officers as they
shout "" Carriage, sir-drive you back for half a
dollar!"
" Fall in, men; fall in for evening parade! "
(Touch on the shoulder.)
"Have a carriage, ir -your lady  looks
wearied! "
"Yes —yes — s, in GoD's name YES. Two
carriages, six carriages-two hundred carriagesa thousand carriages —balm of ten thousand
carriages, and we'll ride from Harlem to Halle.




166  "IBrick's" Eperience at iVtagara.
lujah; from Cape Cod to the irrepressible con
flict-from  six p. m. to a bottle of claret, if
you'll only let us alone. And mind you, if yc'u
do not, I'll spew you out of my mouth; I'll tear
thee limb from limb; thy mother shall gaze in
vain on thy mangled head to discover traces of
her whip-cracking infant; I'll make your eyes
ache, and the waste places of the earth shall tumble over thy short-haired head like the pictures
of Nineveh, as they "He's gone  He jumped into his carriage,
and is off like a country boy for a doctor, whip
in hand, horses on the run, and eye thrown over
his shoulder as if struck with fear!
And now, my dear, we will go to the Her.
mit's Cave —to the cave of the winds-to the
ramble-through the brambles —to'the curiosity
stores —then to the International, and rest on the
lawn, or sip a claret punch and be happy.
Yours, at the Falls,
"BRICK " POMEROY.




"Brslk'e " Aeenc   at Ni'agara..  167
P. S.-The scared driver told everybody that
we are crazy-mad-dangerous-and he offers
to bet his wehicle'gainst a pint of cream that
we will jump the Falls in less than forty-eight
hours.




CHAPTER XIX.
"BRICK" POMEROY SKATETH AT THE CENTRAL PARK.
j  OW~ AS there.  Carnival on Central Park
Skating Pond.  Time-afternoon and
evening. Occasion-superabundance of
ice. Reason-much skating. Result-great fun.
Saw it in the papers. Told Jerusha Mehitible
my head ached. J. M. is the sharer of my woes.
She didn't read the papers-didn't know of the
Carnival. Head grew worse and more worsely. Told J. IM. I would go for doctor. Asked her wouldst she if her head ached. An
swered she me then, I wouldst. Therefore




"BErick" SXkateth at C'entral Park.  169
I wented. Head didn't ache, however. Went
forth. Walked slowly around two corners for
fear one wouldn't be enough. Took passage
with Oscar. Advanced with Oscar to the Carnival. Marched with vigor to the gate. All
right. Then skirmished to left in the direction of Carnival. Verily, verily, big thing.
Two bands played music while many girls
went forth to skate. Delicate business, that
skating! Gazed with admiration on the evoluting crowd who were toying on the bosom of
skating pond. IMr. and Mrs. Avenue were
there in carriages.  The Avenue girls were
there. Nice girls. One sweet littl6 dumpling
said: "Please give me a hand till I get on
the ice?"  I gave both hands, and when we
reached the glassiness thereof, and she told
me she was "on it," how my heart jumped
as her heart smiled so sweetly into mine own.
J. M. didn't trouble me even in thought, then!
Just as I helped my angel with pink skirt
8




170   " Brick" Skateth at Central Park.
and striped hose on the ice, she scooted from
me like a bird on wing, so to speak. I gazed
and she went. Then I fell back to the reception-room.
One of the Avenue girls, with another one,
came in with fun in their eyes, paint on their
cheeks, curls on their hair, fancy skating-rings
on their bodices, and skates in bags on their
arms. I offered to put skates on for them; offer
was accepted. Goodness! did you ever hold the
foot of an Avenue girl in your lap and gently
squeeze the little toes of the little foot in the
flurry of getting the skate to fit? Oh! dear, it's
fun! And such short skirts, and such pretty Balmoral hose, like little barber-poles of flesh, blood,
lightning, and electricity! *Helped many Skates
on to many feet of the Avenue girls. Large
family of girls; one of them gave I half a dollar
for skating her. Got tired of the exercise, went
to office, gave a man half dollar for use of skates;
paid boy ten cents to strap them on, and ambled




K>,1
"I offered to put skates on for them; offer was accepte
ed. Goodness I did you ever hold the. foot of an avenue
girl in your lap?,"-Page 170.








"Brick" Skateth at Central Park.  171
forth to join the whirling throng.  Skating is
not, in the present year of our Lord, my best
forte. But strong heart said "Go it!"  Obeyed
injunction, ~ and went it.  Gracious, but how
easy! Just like falling off a log-only a little
heavier on the fall. Fine exercise. Many boys
and girls mirthed audibly to see me glide rapidly up the pond; and, in trying to dodge two
hundred and fifty pounds of skates, in short
hoops: and red boots, inserted one leg in an air
hole. Very moist was that are hole. Got out
with agility, and help of a shinny club, and went
on. Just as I started, a sweet little chicken, in
blue jacket, striped apron, streaked hose, and
velvet cap, darted past, and said, " Catch me."
Then I urged my mad career on to a close-or
toward the animate clothes which was so swiftly
on the glide. She dodged, and I dodged. Met a
long rooster with eye-glasses, side-whiskers, bobtail coat, fancy skates, limber legs, and a lisp.
I-e yelled, "Take care, fellah!" And we both




172  " Brick " Skateth at Central Park.
dodged the same way. I slanted the right skate
a point to windward; bobtail anchored. "All
right," said I, and passed on. Lost the blue
jacket and striped apron in the m6l6e. Met
timber legs on a limp. He wanted an apology;
so did I. We parted in coldness, and he with
a contusion on his head.
The music kept playing itself.  The crowd
kept arriving. Never saw so much style on ice.
Blue jackets, red jackets, yellow tunics, green
skirts, purple Balmorals, striped hose, red gaiters,
pretty ankles, jaunty skating-hats, neat little
limbs-O Lordy  but how queer a fellow feels
when he feels queerly! And we all skated.
Pretty soon, a frolicksome oyster came tearing
up the pond, steadying his gray-haired governor.
How they glided!  And the writer hereafter in
their wake.
Pretty girl wanted to take my arm till she
Learned to strike out. Nice girl —she can have
those arms any day. Girl took arm. We sky




" Brick" Skateth at Central Park.  173
bllgled hither and yon-yon and hither-tas the
waves dash in on Coney Island. Met a vigorous
female scudding before the gale at heavy rate
of speed.  There was a collision.  Pretty girl
turned a somersault, and flopped into the arms
of a venerable rooster, who stood then and there
a looker-on. I anchored on a chilly spot of
frigidity, and heard the buttons part company
with waistband. The emphatic and limb-fat-ic
female had done it.
With an "ouch " of much anguish,
And a tear on her nose,
She squashed and she hid me
Safe under her clothes.
It might have been fun, but, situated as I was,
with those nose of mine flattened on the ice, and
two hundred pounds of loveliness, so to speak, on
back of an aching head, I couldn't see it. Queer,
wasn't it?  Preferred  the outskirts to the in,
skirts to skate in.  Tried to crawl out.  One
foot of mine, and two feet of limb-fat-ic female




174:  " Brick" Skateth at Central Park.
visible beyond the edge of her crinoline. Boy
on skates whirled around and yelled, " Hi i
hi! Three-legged woman!" Everybody stopped.
Crowd came pouring and tumbling in. Rolled
over and tried to retreat.  Came nigh being:smothered. More than twenty girls fell over us.
At last I emerged-yes, that is the word-from
being where I had not ought to have been. I
crawled out from that place of confinement with
nose like a potato-blossom, half a hoop-skirt over
my head and around my neck. And what work I
had getting out; worse than boring for petroleum
as I wriggled through a forest of red stockings,
variegated circus-tents, skates, and fancy elastics.
Go to where I have been, go see what I have
seen, go feel what I have felt, on that Fifth
Avenue Skating Pond. Be knocked around and
about by the careless crowd, and then tell me
if skating carnivals are in reality what they are
cracked up to be! All very well for those who
keep on their feet, but as for me, give me




"' rick " Skateth at CetraZl park.  175
liberty, or give me-give me-give me a lighter
woman to hold me down when the ice is so
fearfully and freezingly cold.
It is now morning. I arrived home in a
damaged condition.  Those hat which adorned
that head of mine, by birth, and not by adoption, is gone in. And that are pants be much
damaged beyond repair.  And our nose is
much worried even to this hour. Our cheek
is minus a patch of whiskers big enough for
a baby's wig, from the fall on the ice. Our
watch crystal is in no condition for service.
And if ever head ached in this world, head
aches now.  And J. M., she knows not what
is the matter. I told her a Newfoundland dog
fell from the ferry-boat, and I became injured
in trying to save the life of those dog. J. M.
don't love dogs; and says I am a fool.  And
that immense skating woman who bore down
on me so vehemently, I never shall look upon
her face again-and I never want to!




CHAPTER XX.
BOSTON BETSEY'S "BRICK," OR "BRICK'S" BETslz.
FOUND her in Boston. Betsey Jerusha
Jones-in  three volumes illustrated.
I thirsted for intellect. I hungered
for beauty. I ached for charms. I required a
gentle being with a mind like horse billiards to
guide me through this vale of steers. I went to
Boston to find my love. I found her. She
was a school teacher, who drew seven dollars a
month for spanking the rule of three into the
vulgar fractions confided to her charge, and for
adding accomplishments as'twere to the result
of others' multiplication! Figuratively' speak.




"Bridk's" Betsey.         177
ing.  After school was disbanded  for the
day, we walked out to the beach. Birch by
day and the beach by night.
My love was beautiful.  She was of the
New England type.   She was pure-itanical.
Thus worshipped I her, the most beautifulest
ant in the sugar bowl.
And she made both ends meet by skinning eels.  She was a most exalted and tri*
umphant eel skinnist. The Massachusetts girls
teach schools and skin eels for the market.
Said I, "Betsey, if it's not a-skin too much,
let me go out with thee and aid in thy toils,
and see thee divest eel of cuticle. She said,
yea. I went. She had a hooked nose. She
had three hoops-at regular intervals.  She
was Massachusetts schoolmarm.  She was old
maid,  She understood all of Daboll but the
multiplication.   She had never been on the
multiply! Oh, no! And she could skin eels
faster than the devil could catch a fiddler.
-8*




178           "Brick's " Betsey.
By the beach we sat. She skinned eels fox
the net proceeds. We talked of love and sich.
She listened to my tale. She felt the moving
of my plea; the burning eloquence thereof,-so
called. Said I"Oh! Betsey, seein' its yeou, I love yeou, I
sweow. I wouldst be thine. I would share thy
cot, and'Dream I sleep with thee, love.'
Wouldst be mine? I am a stranger, Betsey. I
am not aged, but on the contrary, am agile as
those eel. I will offer thee all I have.  I would
be thus to thee. I would crawl out of myself
as those eel crawls out of his undershirt in thy
hands, and be thine onlyest."
She took up another eel.
" Oh! Betsey," said I, as I laid partly on the
grass, partly in the lap of Betsey, with the slickery tails of her eels tickling my nose —"were
you ever caressted by mortal? " She said, no,
and looked sidewise.




"Brickis " Betsey.        179
She took another eel.
I then caressted her. Said she, "Praise the
Lord, but that is the first kiss ever mortal man
gave me." I asked her if she liked it? She
said it war better nor spanking a young un, or
skiunin a big eel. She said she liked schoolteaching. It was better than a gymnasium.
She said kissing was better than skinning eels.
When a Massachusetts girl says that, you may,
with the lambs on the hills, gamble that she
liketh it with vehement muchness.
The pale moon slid along overhead just as
easy  It seemed to skin itself from under the
fleecy clouds, as those eels skinned themselves
from the fingers of my Betsey Jerusha. It set
me to thinking she was something heavenly like
the moon. Only she was a little plumper. It
was a new moon  Newer than Betsey, and a
little slimmer. If conversed with Betsey. She
had a little knife like a shoe knife. I would
have thought her a shoemaker if she had carried




180          "Brick's " Betsey.
a cobbler's kitten and a waxed end. But she
didn't. She skinned eels, chawed spruce gum,
and talked love. Said she"What is your name a?"
Asked we, "The reverberating cognomen to
which we respond? "
Said she, "Yes."
Said we, "B' Brick' Pomeroy."
Then she asked us of our Western home. She
wanted to know what State Illinois was in, and
if Wisconsin was in the First or Second Ward
of La Crosse. And she wanted to know if we
had young ones in the West. We told her not
many, yet! Then she wanted to know if the
Mississippi river had eels in it. We told her,
nay. And she wanted to know if the people out
in that barbarous region wore clothes every day,
or only when they went sparking. And she
wanted to know how far it was from where we
lived to a house. And she wanted to know if
they spanked or ferruled youngsters in schools,




".Brick'8" Betsey.        181
and if we had schools. And she wanted to
know if women dressed in bearskins or tilting
hoops, which we suppose are all the same!
And she wanted to know if we had newspapers,
and could read and write, and had ever heard
of Anna Dickinson. And she wanted to know
if it was not terrible living so far from Boston!
Then I caressted her and kissed her so sweetly.
And she twined the eel skins in a garland and
wreathed them about our neck as she sat there
in maiden meditation fancy free, like a box of
No. 11 boots. Then we said"Oh! Betsey Jerusha, thou hast spokenest
with wisdom. I will converse with thee, elastic
nymph. I am a barbarian. We are all barbarians in the West. I am an ignorant but wellmeaning whelp. We are all ditto in the West,
I wear bearskins in the West-we all ditto in
that coutntry. We have no houses, but live intently without them as'twere. We have no
carriages for either male or female) so called




182          " Brick's" Betsey.
But I can love thee. I can hold thee to mine
own. I will surround thee with all the luxuries
we have in that land of darkness, for the sun
never rises in the West!"
Said Betsey, as she playfully slung the hide
off from another conquered eel, ".Deu tell!"
I wanted information, and thus we dia
logued:
" My Betsey Jerusha, hast much of parents "
"Yes, Brickuel, I have two parents and four
ante-parents."
"What diddest they do? "
"My ma taught school and skinned eels,
and my father was an eel-catcher and a silvertongued politician."
" How many boys canst spank in a day  "
" I have spanked twenty-seven in an hour, and
it wan't a good hour for spankin, either! "
"And eels! How many eels canst thou peel
in a day. Tell me, thou educator of the world  "
"Well, now, that is a pretty right smart of a




" Brick's " Betsey.        183
question!  I guess I can skin six a minute. I
skin'em  and sling'em over my shoulder into
that are tub, and kin keep one in the air all
the time, and I ain't much of a skinnist,
nuther! "
" Does it hurt the eel  "
"Why, of course it kills the eel! But that is
his fault. If he'd had his skin put on t'other
side out'twouldn't hurt'm any I'Twould have
slid off itself?  It's our doctrine in New England to have things conform to our notions,
even if the eels we skin don't like it. You see
this is the hub; and the eels have no rights
that we, the skinners, are bound to respect!"
and into the air she playfully tossed another
yard of subdued, quivering agony!
Says us" Do you skin'em for fun or for profit a "
Betsey said it was for both. There was money
in it, and it was fun to see them squirm, for they
had no business to be eels, and to come to New




184:'.Briick's " Betsey.
England in the spring and fall for what they
wanted. And thus Betsey taught me to love,
Gentle, Christianized Betsey!
And I kissed her. And I hugged her there,
then. And I told her she should be happy.
And that she should have eels to skin forever.
That I'd have'em made on purpose! Then she
smiled and said she'd be mine, so called, if I'd
agree to find her in eels; to find young ones for
her to spank; to let her come once a year to hear
the big organ and rock her baby in the cradle of
liberty; to let her kiss every nigger she saw; to
let her spend half her time in peddling tracts
and making flannel shirts for babies in Africa,
and would do my best to extend the blessed
gospel and the likeness of Ben. Butler in the benighted region beyond the hub.
I consented to all she wanted of me except the
nigger. On that I was firrum. So was Betsey.
She said "nigger, or single blessedness."  She
said they were her pets. I told her I was a




"Brick's " Betsey.*      185
Delnocrat. Oh, gracious! She straightened up
till her corsets snapped like a pistol! I thought
she had gone off!  But she hadn't.  She was
there jyet. Said she, as she scrunched an eel in
her hand, and waved her peeling machine over
her head:' You a Democrat! Marry a Democrat? Go'way! Git eout! Don't tech me! Oh, you
great, ugly Western man! Take your arm away
from around my intellectual breast! Oh! you
great, ugly, Western man! I'd skin you like an
eel! Oh, git eout! Rise your hoary locks from
that ere lap.! I'll take my eels and fly from your
advances!  Marry a Democrat?  I'm no such
woman!  Oh! you great, big, red-whiskered,
gray-headed, savage, unrefined, uncultivated,
uneddicated, big, nasty man! How  dare you
talk to me? I'd die first, and then I wouldn't!"
And she done as Joseph did in the night, and
went off into Egypt, leaving me in a bed of eelskins. And now I'm  a gone nutmeg, a busted




186          "Brick's" Betsey.
what-do-you-call-it. I've lost my JBetsey Jerusha,
and must live in the West, beyond the eels and
scllool-marm charms of her I so adored,.for us
of the West are not of the eel-ite.
Thine, nnskinned,
" BRICK" POMEROY.




CIIPTER  XXI.
How TO BUY OIL LANDS.
NEEDEEP, MUD ComuNTY, Vi., 
March 20, 1865. f
ORD bless you, but the rain did come
F       down, and the mud did come up, and
at times the current of conversation
would be stopped by a vehement damn, as spatterrings of Virginia mud would be thrown halfway down a poor fellow's throat, as our party
single filed along, through the miry clay on
toward the oil region.
Oil on the brain! Itow are you,'Peter




188       How toB-j~   i -0imand.
Oleumt?' Right smart-glad for to hear-you
are able to get out!
The city of New York, or the settlement of
ungodliness, differs a whole mess from the oil
region. If you are unbelievers and not disposed
to take stock in this assertion, come ye out and
try it. Risk your life. Purchase mourning for
your friends, if your ticket-is by the Camden and
Amboy line of coffins. Eat dog sausage and
benevolent hash at railroad eating-houses; force
rmuddy juice of burnt rye and yellow beans down
your throat, and think it is coffee; spear chunks
of fat pork as they swim round in an earthen
basin filled with hot lard oozing out of the dirty
cracks thereof; sleep on mud floors with hogskin
saddle for pillow; drink corn whiskey so new that
you can actually feel the corn silk in it, as, like
a drunken torchlight procession, it winds down
the throat; eat bread heavy enough to make
into nail hammers, and curse the country because
fine tooth combs cannot be purchased at the




Ilow to Buy Oil Land8.       189
groceries. I should say New York differed fromu
the oil regions, yet it is real fun to skirmnish
about here, looking for the main chance, and
prospecting for indications of the great fluid.
When I made up my mind to visit the oil
regions, a little note was sent to my Ann Jane,
telling her that soon after dark began to dawn
on all things here below, she would hear the
door-bell. The door-bell meant me. Ann Jane
received the letter, and got herself up in style.
There may be sweeter girls than her, but she
will do. Oh, yes, she will, and I know it. Regardless of taste or expense was my toilet made.
Like a night-blooming cereus looked I. Active
as an ant on a hot griddle I advanced up the
steps to her brown-stone front, rang the bell, and
went in. We met the usual way —so the report
said. Talk about new mown hay, sweet cream,
a love of a bonnet, or a new baby, that dear Ann
Jane is so much sweeter than all them, it is a
wonder they existeth.




190       How to Bu~ey Oil Lands.
We sat on the sofa. IHer father was a wealthy
man; but had sold short that day, and was not
extensively well. Economy is a good thing.
Ann Jane and I sat on the sofa.  We turned
the gas down low for economy. I had on patent leather boots, with red tops and yellow silk
straps, rather elegant pants, and a large bunch
of other clothes, with a greatness of candy in
pockets. We talked- Ann Jane is a good conversationer. I told her that oil was what oiled
me. In childhood's balmy days aunty always
gave me& oil, with happiest effect, and I must
have more. Ann Jane coincided. We ate up
the candy, which seemed to grow weary of its
perpetual sweetness, as the two lips of my student in economy rewarded me from time to time
with the sweetest-never mind though, now.
I started.  With clarion notes the roosters
escorted me to the cars. Like a man going to
his grave, I entered cars, first looking to the
priming of my life and accident insurance policy.




11yow to Buy Oil Latds.           191
And such a whole parcel of things as I had to
travel with I Peruse the list, brave volunteers of
Peter!
Black bag for things,. 1  Slippers for feet,...  2
Comb for the hair,.. 1  White vest for parties,. 1
Brush for the hair,.. 1  Patent-leather boots for
Shirts for the body,. many    style,...      2
Toothpicks for the        Kid gloves for hand,. 2
teeth,...   several Late novels,....   6
Handkerchiefs to use,. 1  Several other things,..  1
Perfumery to smell,. lots
Not much baggage, but considerable what
there was of it. The conductors on the railroads kindly allowed us to ride in safety, greatly to the disappointment of many people.
We all arrived in Virginia to find the sacred soil thereof dotted with oil hunters.  After a fine sleep on the floor, waiting for the
bed  to  grow  empty, morning broke.   After
breakfast, mounted on  much horse, I started
for oil regions. Horses in Virginia are horses,




192       flow to Buy 0Ol Lankdz.
I know they are not oxen, for of horns they
have none, and their tails grow bushy.  They
are fast animals.  Seated on top of one of
them, I had no trouble in making two miles
an hour toward a corn crib.  Once, I actually passed a yoke of old oxen, hauling a little
old man, a fat.old woman, a bundle of corn
stalks, and jug of corn whiskey, on an old
bob sled. Fact! Virginia horses deserve premiums, for what they lack in legs they make
up in ribs.  Some of them  have two eyes,
and sometimes may see a currycomib-doubtful if they ever feel one, however. And the
saddles! they give tender recollections which
even now stir up the feelings! They don't
some steal horses in Virginia as much as in
other States.  In fact, it would be a dangerous job if the pursuer happened to travel
on foot. And this is my opinion of Virginia
horses! Selah.
There are many things oil will buy, so we




How to Buiy Oil Land8.       193
wanted a whole mess of it. In order to make
a good impression before getting on the back
of the fleet steed, whose apt name was "Bony,"
so the livery delegate said, I took advantage
of the crowd, and with camphor, ice, and cologne, made myself handsome to the smell,
with a flask (in which to bring back samples
of oil), I "elevated" myself to the new position, and set gently forth.  The horse had
a gait; a plain, austere, radical gait enough
to bring a hoss-tear from his rider.
Bravely 1 struck out. Through the mud of
Western Virginia went I like the solitary horseman with several other mounted roosters going
up a long hill; over the tumble in bridges;
through the tumble in bridges; wading the
very wet creeks; sticking fast in the affectionate
mud; past houses resembling the first efforts of
a school-boy at architecture on a slate. I smelt
of the mud; tasted the water; felt of the. rocks;
soaked my handkerchief in the creek; looked at
9




194       How to Buy Oil Lands.
the bony legs of my bony horse to see if they
were greasy from his boring the mud with halfshoed hoofs; asked many men if oil did abound
there or thereabouts; propounded questions to
many women, and patted a considerable of Virginia children on the head, and inquired for oil
territory, indications and developments.
At last, after the sun had concluded to retire,
and after I had suffered on the top of that horse
for seven hours, and ridden, if you call it riding,
eleven miles as the chap said, back to Widow
Gartan's barn, I rode up to a log mansion built
oat-doors against a big mud  chimney.  The
horse stopped very easy; in fact, stopping was
his best gait. I made friends with five dogs and
rapped on the open door.
" Come in," says a man.
"Thank you," says I.
"Yes, come in," said a woman.
"Ah! yes, thank you," said I.
"Get out," said the man.




How to Buy Oil Lands.       195
"(Get out," said the woman..The five dogs left-wheeled, and got out at a
very vehement double slow.
"Good year for dogs. Nicest lot of dogs I
have seen.
"Right smart dogs, stranger," said the old,man.
"Right smart dogs," said the old woman.
I took a chair, a very fine one, made of an
old nail keg, and looked. If the house had
one more room, there would have been two
rooms in it. The man was a quaint old rooster, well out of his pants, all around and at
each end. His head was high, and his forehead
so broad, that it ran clear to the nape of hisneck. He had grown clear through his hair,
and was heavy on smoking native tobacco in a
red clay pipe.
There was more of his wife than of him, by
a wheelbarrow full. He was slim. She did not
slim a bit. He was tall. She had never talled




196       How to Buy Oil Lainds.
much. His. arms were long. And it was a
good thing, for he never could have hugged
his wife alone, had they not been long. Her
arms were short. She did not need long arms
to hug him.  O Nature, how kind you are in
such cases  And she had such short taper
toes-ten of them all together; and there was
no squeak to her footsteps as she glided
about the room  like a thing much of life.
When he spoke, she spoke; when he talked,
she always followed suit, playing the left bower
on his right. She clinched his conversation by
repeating it. She varnished his talk by endorsing it. She walked the house and always endorsed what th# major said. Every man in
Virginia is an officer. I always salute a man
as colonel in that country.  Other folks say
"Mister."  "Mister" is too thin, and folks say
the man who calls other folks plain "Mister"
is from Vermont!
Stretching legs before a singing fire, we had




HIow to Buy Oil Lands.      197
the following conversation, the better half being
always on hand to clinch things.
"Can I get to stay here to night?"
" Reckon not, unless your hoss ken stand it
outside and go hungry."
" No corn  "
" Not a corn, stranger. The home guard took
my corn."
" Any oil about here? "
" Right on this farm."
" Ah! how much land have you here? "
"Well, there is a right smart of land. You see
I own a lot here, and my old Aunt Elizabeth,
who had a hoss run away with her five years ago
when she was riding down to the court-house to
see the sheriff who was one of the dodrottedest
meanest men that ever got elected into office,
which he never would have done if Bill Mason,
who run agin him, had not had a plower of
money and more friends-for Bill's father owned
the tavern on the forks, and him and Tom- Cowler




198.   How to Buy Oil Lan ds.
were thick as bees ever since Bob Jones had the
scrimmage with Hank Jenks about the old blind
mare which Hank sold to, Tom's father, and
which was stolen by some cussed thief the night
of the law-suit between —
"Get out I " to a red dog which was coming in
the door.
"Get out? " yelled the old woman, and out
went the dog.
"How much land did you say you had. here,
Colonel  "
" Oh, right smart, altogether. There was five
hundred acres on the Spring farm; but the old
man sold it off the range to Colonel Black the
spring the colonel's wife died-thanks to the
inchronicus disease which seemed to drive her
into consumption even after the Colonel had got
her three dozen bottles of Cod's liver oil in Baltimore, which I don't believe would cure a dog,
and I don't care what ailed him; and all the
neighbors say so, except Squair Jacobs, who says




How to Buy Oil Lands.       1~9
he had a niece who had a right smart of larning,
and drove a school when she warn't but jrising
onto nineteen years in the log school-house with
the window out, just as you pass~ by where lame
Dick has got up a blacksmith shop where he will
shoe a horse in less than no time    "
" Yes, I know, Dick. And how many acres
have you now  "
" Oh, there is right smart of land, and I don't
care to sell it now, for John is off fighting into
the army, and me and the old woman have all we
can do to make a living here, and have to work
every day, except once in a while we get a jug
of the creature and have a rest, but for which"Get out, you pesky brute," said the old man.
"Get out, you nasty hound," said the old
woman as she aimed a wooden poker at a
brindle dog, who was helping himself to a piece
of corn-bread. The dog got out!
"Well, Colonel, what are the chances for find.
ing oil on the property about here? "




200oo       ow to Buy Oil Lando
"Oh, right smart, I reckon. You see, down on
the bottom, long in the summer, there is the pe.
culiarist smell, and I allers knowed it was something; and now I know it is oil, for Bob Spears
sold his farm on the run above here, and the men
what bores it now has got two wells onto the
lower lot, and Squire Barnard says the show is
jest as good on my farm as on Spears' farm; and
the squire is right powerful on larnin', and went
to school twenty years ago, when he was a boy,
and sparkin' Dorothy Slawson, whose father was
killed in the row he had with Bill Ransom, after
he shot Bill's red heifer."'What do you call your land worth, Colonel 
cash down soon as you can make out the papers."
"Well, stranger, it wants a right power of
money to get this ere land now, for me and the
old woman has got seven hundred and nineteen
acres here, and as there can be put ten wells oni
each acre, and each well will give a hundred barrels of oil, and as oil is worth $15 a barrel, I am




How to Buy Oil Lands.       201
figuring up how much me and the old woman
will be worth, and if you want the farm for what
it figures up for a year and a half or two years,
just say the word, and me and the old woman
will sell it to you for half what it's worth, and
you can have the house to live in, and me and
the old woman will take the dogs."
Yes, me and the old man will take the dogs,
for they are right smart dogs," said the old
woman.
"Well, let's see, Colonel. Seven hundred and
nineteen acres; ten wells to the acre; seven
thousand one hundred and ninety wells-one
hundred barrels to a well-seven hundred and
nineteen thousand barrels-fifteen dollars a barrel -makes ten million seven hundred and
eighty-five thousand dollars, no cents. I'll take
the property, Colonel."
"Now, stranger, you figger so fast-all them
fellers what figgers in their heads kinder beats
me scmehow-that I am fear'd you ain't right;
9*




202       How to Buy Oil Lamnd.
and agin, you didn't figger it but for one year)
and the land is worth right smart more than
that; but the sums that me and the old woman
do, don't come out alike all the time, so I'll have
Squire Barnard figger it for me, being as you're
a stranger; and if he figgers it as you do, and
you will make it for two years, me and the old
woman will see about it."
" Yes, we'll see about it," said the consort.
" Well, Colonel, have you any of your figuring (noticing an old slate, covered with figures,
hanging on a nail drove in a jamb), that I could
look it over and see how it compares with mine?"
"Oh, yes, me and the old woman don't do
nothing in the day times but figger now, and
you jest run your eye over this (handing me the
slate), and see how it compares with your brains."
I took the slate, which was all right, except a
corner was -gone, and found where he had " figgered" with a piece of soft stone in lieu of a
pencil, as follows:




liow to Buy Oil Larndv.       203
119
10
009
119
1199
15
11995
5575
68745
100
68745
68745
662.695
119
17841205
6621695
6621695
1245327655




204       How to Buy Oil Lano4.
His figures were somewhat "incoherent,'
not to say high, so I bade the old couple goodday, mounted that horse, and skirmished on to
thle next stopping-place.




CHAPTER  XXII.
A CHICxEN SUIT.
NIDDAY forenoon there came off before Police Judge Hubbard, in La
Crosse, another, law suit, the.particulars of which are as follows:
Reinhardt Hendricks, on the 17th of September,
1866, brought suit against "Brick" Pomeroy, to
recover pay for two roosters shot by the defendant with a revolver, the chickens belonging
to the plaintiff, to the value of fifty cents each,
Through the kindness of the judge the case has
been adjourned from week to week till the
return of the defendant from an electioneering




206           A Chicken..Suit.
tour in-d'ii. This morning the ease came
off, Ex-Maor HEon. James. L:yndes -;b   the
counsel for the prosecution, the defendant appearing in his own behalf.
The court-room was crowded, for the idea of
trying an editor for stealing or shooting chickens
was a novelty. The plaintiff brought in his bill,
swore to its correctness, testified that he owned
the chickens, that they were raised by a hen belonging to him, that he saw the defendant shoot
them, that he had repeatedly asked the defendant
to settle for them, and failing to get pay or
satisfaction, he was compelled to bring suit, and
asked for judgment of one dollar, and costs.
The defendant admitted shooting the chickens,
and proved by four reliable witnesses the fol.
lowing facts:
In April, 1866, the. defendant owned a fastrunning trick mare, " Kitty," which animal
was kept in a stable hired by him, and cared
for by one of his employ6s.  Through a little




A Chicten Suit.          207
hole in the barn. or stable the plaintiffs hens
would fly in and eat oats intended for the
mare " Kitty," and on the approach of any
one would fly out. In an old barrel in the
stable, one of the hens, a black one, made her
nest, laid thirteen eggs therein, and proceeded
to raise a family. When the hen got ready to
set, the defendant instructed the boy who took
care of.his mare to go down town, purchase
thirteen eggs of J. W. Robinson & Co., grocers,
and put them in the nest, first removing the
other eggs.  The boy did Bo, as was proved.
-He then personally drove the hen out of the
stable a dozen times or more-he tried to make
her leave-she would not, but proceeded to incubate his eggs, duly bought and paid for,
without his consent, leave, or license, after repeated efforts on his part and by his agents to
have her vacate his premises.  And, further,
when the hen had hatched the eggs, she ran
away with his chickens, eleven in number, two




208           A Ciarke Sluit.
eggs not producing chickens.. To her services
he brought an offset, the use of stable and board
bill in the shape of oats-he charged her with
the two eggs she spoiled, and demanded judgment for the balance of the flock, nine in number, at fifty cents each. And, besides, he proved
that the chickens did not belong to that hen,
as she was black, while the chickens were red
or speckled! Hendricks has sued all his neighbors fo'r some little trifling matter half-a-dozen
times each during the past two years.
After a patient hearing, the judge decided
that there was no cause of action, and that
the defendant was entitled to the other nine
chickens, and the pl'intiff must pay the costa
of the suit, amounting. to seventeen dollars and
thirty-seven and a half cents.




CHAPTER XXIII.
As A PIc-NIc-IsT.
S a Pic-Nic-ist I have reached!
It was a calm, hot morning, about
the half of July, 1867. The weather
was all that could be desired with forty-seven
degrees plus. I may say it was in a melting
mood, with several meltings over. And why
not, when such is thus?
Eulelia Jane said it was too hot to keep cool,
and that we mut go to a Pic-Nic for the benefit
of the church. I asked Eulelia, if it was for the
benefit of the church, why go forth when it
was so d-readfully hot. Said Eulelia, "Don't




210           As a Pic-Nic-ist.
swear," and I sweared not any. Then she said
it was to teach us that hot places should be
shunned. And so we went.
I am much fond of them-I mean Pic-Nies.
Base-ball is good for exercise, but nothing compared to Pic-NIic. It is a good way to have
cheap amusement — and much of it - at light
expense. Eulelia is a sickly plant. She needs
the fresh air. Being a stout cherub, I often go
out with her to get a little air.
After breakfast we started for the Pic-NicEulelia Jane and I. The sun was suffused with
blushes, and Eulelia Jane was
Beautiful as a flutterby,
And none could compare
With my pretty little charmer
And her rich, wavy hair.
I knew the sun was in love with my fragile
pet, else why those burning glances as we
passed? Eulelia Jane carried a parasol and
bymn-book. The Pic-Nic was on church ac.




As a Pic-Nic-ist.          211
count. I was proud as the first roasting ear of
this loveliness.  How  my heart and things
warmed to her as we went forth. We were gcing
to a Pic-Nic. I took along a few little things to
use at the Pic-Nic.  Merely a few little things
that Eulelia Jane might want. There was not
much, as all the men took a little something.
All I had to take was Eulelia's poodle and a dog
to guard it, a few eatables, and implements to be
used for the Pic-Nic; two hams, a case of crackers, ten loaves of bread, nine bottles of catsup,
sixteen boxes of sardines, seven custard pies, a
jug of cold coffee, a box of lemons, ninety-three
cucumbers, a quart of pepper-sauce, a box of
raisins, nuts, and candy; some cold tongue, a
block of ice, some few chunks of dried beef, a
basket of champagne, -an axe, two hatchets, crowbar, spade, rope ladder, a -Sunday-school library
of books, fifty palm-leaf fans, a pew-cushion to
keep Eulelia from taking cold, two hundred feet
of rope for a swing, keg of spikes, water-pails,




212          As a Pic-Nic-?st.
and other articles of bigotry and "virtue," in.
eluding a marble-top table, and fixings for an
amateur base-ball game.
Did I say Eulelia was lovely? Yessy, yessy I
She was sweeter than any other woman, and
there was more of her. She was an only child!l
But she was much I It is good to have something
to lean against. So she said we would go forth
to Pic-Nic. So everybody went. That is why
we had a good time.
It is only four miles to the sylvan grotto
where rural felicity had secreted himself. Rural
felicity! Them is the feller!
Eulelia went first, and I followed her with the
things. I have been told that we wanted for
nothing. But we did. I wanted a horse to
aid me in toting things. It was a hot day, or
there would have been no need of Pie-Nic.
We walked four miles, Eulelia ahead, and I
carrying and drawing the things. Eulelia is
playful. She got off a pun at which all the




As a Pic-Nic-i8t.         213
others smiled severely. She said I was good at
drawing! I should say so. So would any one
be who hlad my load.
We went to the top of a high hill to get a
breeze! Eulelia said it would be cooler there.
That was what we sought, and perspired because
we found it not. It was a high hill. On the
brink of a precipice. There was one tree there.
The breeze, therefore, had a fair sweep. At ten
o'clock we reached the summit. As an activitest I bore good repute. Two miles distant, in
the woods, at the foot of the hill, was a cool
spring. Being a nice, good-natured, active,
little man, I was sent for water. Eulelia said
I could go just as well as not. She takes pride
in my agility. I did not hear the suggestion.
Eulelia lifted up her voice. I heard and went.
No gentleman will contradict his wife I
Them other fellers said they would fix things,
and I might rest by going for water. I went
down the hill at the peril and danger of my life




214            8 a Pic-lNic-ist.
-what was left. And I had such a pleasant
tithe getting back. Two pails full of water —
not a dry joke, else why this perspiration?  I
enjoyed this rise in the world, and thanked
Eulelia for the same.
When I returned with water they had fixed
things. They were seated on the grass, under
the tree. The claret was no more. The ice lay
weeping in the sun. Eulelia said it made it
seem cooler! And she. said if the ice melted I
would go back for more. Sagacious sylph!
Never contradict your wife!
Pretty soon we had dinner. Enlelia said I
-could set lunch better than any other man. The
other fellers said so. They sat in the shade,
smashing flies, while I spread for lunch. The
marble-top table came handy.
I asked one of the gentlemen if he would
open the sardines and cut the lemons. He was a
gentleman, and remarked"I'll see you in -  first I "




As a Pie-Nic-ist.        215
HIe was a playful duck. I opened the sardines
-all but him!  The folks said I was a nice
man, so kind and agreeable I
We had a fine dinner. I had what was left,
Then Eulelia proposed that we have a swing
erected.
Being a spry man, I had to climb a tree to
adjust the ropes. It wan't the distance up, but
it was the roughness-very hard on- wearing
apparel. At last I fixed the ropes. The swing
was too low. It dragged on the ground.
Being a man of muscle, and expert in the use
of pickaxe, I had to grub a trench. Eulelia said
I could do it quicker than any other man, and —
no gentleman will contradict his wife!
I picked and shoveled for three hours, and at
last removed enough rocks to start the swing.
We had a good time. It is fun to swing.
Trenching is good. My trench was wide and
deep, that the hoops might clear. Eulelia she
tried it. Four of us steadied her into the con



216          As a.Pic-Nic-ist.
trivance. We pulled her back, like the cock to
an old musket, and then let her go. She went
through the air like a humming-bird-like a
fairy. I began singing"See I oh, see my flower  "
When there was a screech! The limb to which
the rope was fastened failed to keep up. It
lacked backbone!  It let down, and Eulelia
was fast in the trench. Being very modest, she
would allow no one but me to help her outI
I worked two hours enlarging the trench, and
at last rescued her.
I wanted her to try it again, but she smiled
sweetly, and said one plateful was enough.
Being active, I had to run down hill and back to
the city for arnica liniment. Eulelia wanted it.
I didn't ask her what for. It was none of my
business. Husbands, obey your wives!
Exercise is good. I had enough that day.
I got -this flower and that flower. I. climbed




As a Pic-2ic-ist.         217
to the tops of trees like a red squirrel after
something. I was let down the precipice by
a rope to hunt for eagles' nests.  I was sent
after water, ice, and such things, and seriously
hurt my pants in the bird's-nest business.
But we had a delightful time. Such a cool,
pleasant time! Eulelia drank so much lemonade she' was sick.  So I drew her to the
edge of the precipice in the little wagon I had
dragged along, and let the breezes fan her brow.
The others couldn't wait, and they went.
Eulella wanted to see the moon rise. She said
it would be nice to look down and see it come
up. So she sent me home with the things,
and told me to hurry back for her as soon as
I could, like a dear little man. Then she sat
on the edge of ther:?oh-3 er feet pointing to
the hunting-grounds beyond La Crosse. In one
hand she held her parasol, and in the other
her book, while her pretty poodle snoozed in
her lap.




218          As a PiNic-ist.
Eulelia was happy-I knew  it.  The sub
was sinking in the West. The gnats and mosquitoes were tuning their lyres and biting
Eulelia's nose, but she was bound to see the
moon rise. Nothing like a novelty.
As I gayly swore my way down the rocky
steep, I saw a picture.
It was Eulelia on a rock, singing"I want to be an Angel!"
Such a day of sport! Let all who want fin
go to a pic-nic.
Agilitiously Thine,
"BREIC K" POMnEROY.




CHAPTER XXIV.
" BRICK" AND THE SCHOOL-MARMS.
UST full of them!
Oh, son of mortal parents l did you
ever   Only think-half a regiment
of school-marms on a visit to La Crosse 
Who cares for business, for newspapers, for
meals or lodging, wealth, playthings, or raiment; for are not the school-marms here on a
visit to stay with and bless us three days-to
tantalize us with their bright eyes, pretty faces,
fiunny waterfalls, neat dresses, ripe lips, peachy
cheeks, gentle manners-and-and



220    ":Brik" t   d S toa     &oo ri/an
X'1  r-t*it~ to be an angel,
And with a angel stand,
Or sit along with school-marms,
And hold'em by the hand!"
If we go to the post-office, they are there I
If we go to the bank, they are there I
If we wander forth to look for local items,
behold, fifteen school-marms are there!
If we fly to the bluffs, on our running horse,
behold, they are there, looking for roses, and
posies, to hold up to their noses I
If we wander forth where there is a crowd
of youngsters playing with kites, behold more
than a multitude of school-marms are there,
like spiders waiting to pounce on their preyl
Go where we will, there are school-marms,
and nine-tenths of our citizens are going crazy.
Sweethearts here residing tremble when their
lovers pause to look; married ladies-look their
prettiest to retain their loves; and all the beardless boys in town  are wishing  they were a




'; OIw tbngad t ae,-  
Oh I I want to be an angel, and with a angel stand, or
sit along with schoolmarms, and hold'er by the hand I"Page 220.








"Brick" and the School-Marins.   221
little older! It's the school-marms. And four
fifths of them are Democrats, and things of
beauty are joys forever. Selah!
I'd like to be a school-marm —
And wouldn't I if I could?
It's you love, they love, I love,
How they make us all feel good!
Oh, Father of our Country!  Beloved Wash.
ington! we look up to that smiling face so sadly
beaming, and think how much you missed by not
being at La Crosse I And the noble patriots of
the revolution, with their blood-stained banners,
and their elastic step, and their pretty balmorals
Confound it, here we are on the school-marms I
And where was Clay, and Webster, and
Horace Greeley, and the founders of the Roman
Empire? They lived as do we, but they saw not
the sights our eyesight has this day sightedschool-marms by the multitude. The names we




222   "Brick" and the School-ffarms.
have quoted all belonged to men who have lived
in history, but are now dead! They had friends,
and they saw-such bright eyes and lips, just
good enough for even the editors of the La Crosse
DEMOC:RAT to taste, and the prettiest mouth, and
the most charming naivet, and the bewildering
effect ofHere we are, on the school-marms again I
The Constitution expressly says that taxation
shall be equal-that the rights of States'shall
never be wrested from them-and that a people
who have suffered long from evils unmentionable,
shall have new unmentionables-and our white
vest and well-shaved face, and a clean white
handkerchief-then bring our new boots and
switch-cane, that we may just step out a few
momentsConfound the school-marms! How can we
write on politics now a
But to resume our seat at the desk. Here is
a letter advising us to speak more boldly for




"Brick" and the School-3Iarm-.  223
repudiation. Well do we know that the war
debt is a burden imposed for no good, but the
people are willing dupes, running here, andthere goes four more school-marms, and I'd give
just forty dollars in gold if that one with the
witching eyes and dark hair was my sweetheart
when I'd
Wander forth by moonlight
Along with that school-marm,
And, golly, how I'd fight
To shelter her from harm I
Now, how can a man write editorials to-day?
If we open a letter, there is a school-marm with
red lips, saying plain as possible, "-Don't! "
And if we would make change in settling for
something, there is, in the cash-box, another
school-marm, with the sweetest mouth, seeming to
say "Do."  And you bet-no, you needn't betyou'd lose!
And if we tear the wrapper from one of our




224    "rick " and the ScAool-Xars.
exchanges, behold we see nothing but a school
marmGay as a butterfly,
And none can compare
With one little school-marm
Who sat right over there I
Close the office —shut the doors —stop the
presses, open no more mails, for the school-marms
are here! Let business go to the dogs, and let
everybody have a rest, that we may gaze on half
a regiment of girls, most of them handsome.
Golly!   Don't we sigh for the good old days,
when we used to stay after school to sweep the
school-house and kiss our teacher.
Once   *   *   *   *   *   *   *  remember
*   *   *   *   *   *   *          pretty Jane
Spelling-book *   *   *   *   *   *  December
*   *   *   *   *   *   **        Once again I
Go it, boys I School-marms! tae'enm on Xt




"Brick" and the Schlol-Mafrm,.   225
Just think of it-half a regiment of handsome
girls in La Crosse-all visitors —all the observed
of all observers-all out to Convention.  How
many a heart will follow them home. They will
be pillars of smoke by day and waterfalls of fire
by night to lead our La Crosse boys over the
country from home bases to other fields.
" Tell the " school-marms all around you
not to do it. Tell them not to take prisoners the
ones who never saw such beings of beauty be
fore.
Egad, how I'd like to be school-marm I
I'd like to be a school-marm,
And with the school-marms stand,
With a bad boy over a barrel
And a spanker in my hand.
And when the exercises were over, how the
little younkeys would run home, singing —
" I would not live forever,
I ask not to stay
10*




226    "Brick" and the Scwoo-lMarms.
Where an out-of-patience school-marn
Does things in that way I"
Wouldn't it be fine to go to some of these
school-marms' temples and be set with the girls,
and. kept after school!  Some of them  would
witchety-switchety our little legs, and spank our
little ears, and stand us on little dunce-blocks —
oh, no I
"H igh over the hill-tops resounding,
Come the notes of deeds begun I'Come out, Bill Jones, and take your pounding,
For I saw you tickling Julia Plum.'
So Bill comes out, his shirt and breeches
Well shaken by his trembling form,
And the school-marm larrups him with switches,
Till his resting-place is awful warmI"
You bet! "Now, Bill Jones, go  to  your
seat, and keep your fingers away from  Julia's
ribs l   "Please, school-marm, may I gc out?"
"Hold your hush, what are you'bout'?  What




"Brick" and the &Shool-Xarm.    227
you want to go for?  "Please, ma'am, I can't
tell."  "Then keep your feet together, while
you spell!"
We'd love'em-we'd take'em apples, candy,
bouquets, newspapers with love stories in, and
we'd kiss them if they'd let us. Don't say no"Teach not thy lips such scorn, for it was made
For kissing, lady, not for such contempt."
And then all the other boys! wouldn't they
be jealous?. Wouldn't the green one-eyed lobsters gnash their teeth and refuse to learn
their lessons?
"Hence, jealousy; thou fatal, lying fiend,
Thou false seducer of our hearts, begone I"
but don't take the school-marms, for"I loved Ophelia (a school-marin).
Forty thousand brothers could not
With all their quantity of love do morel"
How  truly  did  Shenstone, who  being  a
Shen-stone, -was harder than a Brick, say



228    "Brick" and the School-farmis.
"In every village marked with little spire,
Embowered in trees and hardly known to fame,
A matron old, whom we school-mistress name,
Who boasts unruly brats with birch to tame."
Taming is good-tanning would be better. 
We think of the past-of the.little boyish
days when, just for dropping a small piece of
ice down the back of Mary, our sweetheart, so called, we took a rest across the
knees of a school-marm, and-and-:-and it's a
tender subject! We can't tell the particulars,
don't ask us to, but hers was a stern duty,
and all the rest of that day it seemed as if we
were sitting on long sticks of pepper-candyI
Ohl generous warmth, how easy to find
A something hot behind youl
That is, if you are bound not to mina,
The indignant school-marm, mind you l"
Just then the  roar, of battle over the hill
told of  an engagement.   Stonewall Jackson
rode up and shouted



"Brick" and the Sckhool-arm,.    229
"By thunder, ain't she handsome? Such eyes,
such a kissable mouth, such a- winning look,
enough to make every scholar love her, and
don't I wish I was a scholar that i mightHere we are, on the school-marms again I
We can't write to-day-the spirit is willing,
but the flesh is weak. There is too much excitement in the air - too much school-marm. And
only think —
"Mother, I've come home to drink "
All the school-marms are to be courted, kissed,
caressed, wedded, go to housekeeping, and, in
time-read this article and say if it is so or not!
None of your business-if you can't- guess, we
won't tell. And they will all have lovers, and
all be happyWhen their spanking'days are over
And the ferule is at restWhen the school-marms all have husbands,
And —well —never mind the rest




230    " Brick" and the &Shool-XareM.
Pretty soon they will leave-they will rise
their Convention and go somewhere, and thle
places that knew them will speak of them for
many a day. And they will in time return to
their stern duties, and the children of the State
will be kept warm I
How I'd like to be a teacher,
And with the school-marms go,
For here are just a few mas-cu-lines
To a hundred girls or so I
Well, they are a good thing, and we can't
have too much of them. They will excuse this
chapter of nonsense, for girls always affect us in
that way. We must have our say, and they'd
rather we'd say this than keep silent. We love
school-marms, if they are good- and most of
them in this country are. We wish them well —
hope they will have a pleasant visit-enjoy their
trip-have a glorious ride on the river-have lots
of fun-all find good lovers, and in time have




"B.'<b".,u1::tAe S&koolM.1A   231
lots of childrn Xfor other -ehool-marms tX care
for. And rather than have them come here
in a body and pull our ears, or switch our
walkers, we'd rather they would, when over their
ramble and visit, go home and spank niggerism
out of the lambs of their respective flocks, and
teach the young to love the white folks and the
school-marms, as well as does,
Figuratively thine,
"BRIC" B POMEOT
U" -. c




CHAPTER XXV.
WISCONSIN SCHOOL-MARM CONVENTION.
one of the ships that sail up and
down the national ravine, from  La
Crosse to St. Paul, went two hundred
school-marms of both sexes, all ages and con
ditions, marital and otherwise. The doings at
La Crosse had terminated-in a Baling spell,
Basely played on the most be-nine of the
teachers! The girls had been looked at and
their  sweethearts  envied-the  smart male
marms had unloaded their brains-the nimphis
and muggins' had been filled up with ice-water
and fresh air-we had looked and longed and




Tigsonsin School-Yrarm Convention.  283
longed and looked at this'peripatetic bower
of education for three days and —Selah
The party had started for St. Paul. It was
a motley growp. The ship was crowded, an(l
no berths to be had for all the school-marms.
The boat squeaked and creakedfrom stem to
stern-the bed-bugs hastened hither and yon,
anticipating a reach feast.  The other passengers wondered why all this was all thus, and
on we went like a toad after flies. Rock after
rock was passed. Sloos of islands, and islands
of sloos were left. We had looked here, and
"do look there," and "just look over yonder,"
and "then see that" for six hours, until there
was not an untired 1 —imb on any of the
educational branches, when a business meeting
for the purpose of developing educational
points was organized.
Professor Jehiel Jagboys was chosen President, and Miss Boardie Round elected Secre.
tary, by a majority of two.




234  Wiscon8in Schoool-lfarm Convention.
The meeting was called to order, and "Brick'
I'omeroy, an invited guest, was chosen reporter
for the occasion.
Prof. Jagboys arose, steadied himself by a
chair, and said"Gentlemen and lady school-marms!  We
move. Our-our-our-is onward and upwards
(cheers). We move again. From point to
point. We pass-pass-pass-pass-as we do
points of interest on this big creek."
"Jes so, Jehiel," said the Secretary.
"We meet. We meet here. We did meet
here. This is a big river. We are all on it."
"Hear-hear!" by everybody.
"That is to say. We are on the river to see it.
"Come rest on this bosom.'
And so we go home from first to last-from end
to end of this matter. And now I thank you. Jehiel Jagboys thanks yon. This is the first honor of
the kind I ever had. We will now hear reports
on education." And Jehiel doubled himself down.




Wisconsin School-Xa/rm Coavention.  235
MX[iss Squiggle, from Squiggleville, arose.
"Mr. President, I agree with you in all you
]have said, and more too. I have long had the
same idea! It is now thirty-two years since I
hung my bonnet behind the door of a sehoolus,
and made of -that right hand a warmingpan 
I'm goin' to tell my'sperince! You see me now
-look at me. I've grown old in this ere bmsiness, but, thank God, I've never lost my patience
nor my beauty 
"There is two ways to eddicate the children
of folks. There is one way, and there is another
way, also/ I knows it! Books ain't so much
as gover'ment!  Gover'ment is more as books.
As for me, give me fewer books and more gover'ment.
" When bloomin' beauty hung like a topaz on
my brow, I was in demand on them account.
Some folks want a schoolus in the woods, so.they can get -gads quick. Gads is good, but
give me hands-and-and-and something to




236  Wiso~nin Schol-farm Couventwn.
warm'em  on!  I never use mittens, Mr.
President!  There is a better way to warm
hands!
"When I was examined by Mr. Warmus, he
spoke of gover'ment,.and I agreed with him.
I had a powerful examination. All the trustees was there. I have brought a diafram of
the schoolus in which I was examined, and the
questions asked.
"I took off my bonnet, and we had the following dialogue:
"Deacon Warmus, Trustee-' Miss Squiggles,
be you intended for a teachist?'
"Miss Squiggles, applicant-' If you please,
thank you.'
"'What is your best hold?'
"' Gover'ment I always. Do you see those
hand?'
"' Have you ever teachered any'
"'Not much, but I have practised the rudi
ments on ten younger brats of our family I'




Wiscon8in School-arnm Covrmion.  23'
"'Do you understand the rule of three P
"' I have never practised on but one at a time,
but I had the other two ready I'
"' Are you familiar with the tables'
"'I always warms'em across my knee I
"'What would be your favorite way to correct
the bad youth of the school?'
"I'll show you'
"' Never mind I What salary do you want'
"' Twod dollars a month I'
"I was engaged at once. Our vicinity was
noted for educational facilities, as some of the
best rail-splitters in the world came from our
school-their energies warmed into life by that
hand, Mr. President! I wish I had a dollar, Mr.
President, for every encd that hand has aceompli8hed   I'd be rich, and have a new waterfall
every day, Mr. President I
"I used to enjoy teachin', till they got to
makin' boys pants t'other side to I That rather
busted me!




238  Wiscowin School-a/rm Convention.
"How well I remember once when I called a
boy up to receive his regtlar warmin' I He was
the worstest boy in school. He grew up and got
to editin' a paper in La Crosse; and don't I wish
I had him to warm now?.He was a rebel then,
and allers will be I
"I got him all ready to warm, and, would you
believe it, his folks had made his trowsers t'other
side too I That fashion beat me completely l I
never was so dumbered in my life-I couldn't
punish him  And his cousin, who I was to
warm, too, had the same kind of trowsers, and
actually laughed at me! That was a good fashion for boys I You bet I
"I don't admire wearin' that hand out beating
dust out of clothes; and I move, Mr. President,
that we petition Congress to pass a law that boys'
pants shall be made as they was made, for the
new style is a'fringment on our rights. I've got
tluhough and sot down, Mr. President."
Mr. Miggles —J. Theophilus Miggles, instead




Wisconsin School-ioarm Convention.  239
of common-sense John  T. Miggles —took  the
floor and said"Mr. President, and other school-marms: It
is with diffidence I rise. I am but a country
school-marm. I have been too devoted to education to take large schools.
" I glory in schools, and every winter I teach
schools. I love it. I have tried several vocations. I have taught singing-school, trapped for
musk-rats, sold essence, worked. melon-patches
on shares, sold brass rings and jewler trinkets to
the children, as they do South to niggers; have
kept an eel-weir, managed a hors eclerked at
election, tended toll-gate, been pound-master, exhorted, taught Grecian painting, and filled other
responsible public positions, but none gave me
such pleasure as teachin' a school-house I
"Gover'ment is the great thing. But it wants
genius to govern. Gads is good, but they fatigue
the arm, lr. President. Duns bloks is good, but
not allers big enough. There is much that is




240  Wieconean School,-iarm Convnstio
good, but water is the best. I govern by the
water plan —the studies are not so dry I I stands
the scholars on their heads, and pours water
down their legs. Cold water in summer-hot
water in winter. I thus combine pleasure with
punishment! Novel and moral idea, Mr. President. The colder the day the hotter the water.
It is
"The waterfall style 
"Some accomplish with hands-some with
gads, but water is thie best!
"It warms'em to their studies, and is not so
dry! I keeps a pot on the stove and boils water
on purpose.
"Gover'ment is the idea.' It ain't the teacherin' so much as the governin'.
The duties of governin' school-houses is no unarduous task. I agree with Miss Squiggles, who
teaches into the next deestrict from me, that
books is nothing to governin'. That pint allers
bothered me. There was Jake Josling —he was




Wisconsin School-Mfarm Convention.  241
the wursterest boy in all the school. I could
keep track of his books better nor his tricks.  It
is pleasant to board around, and to visit on terms
of equality with everybody.
"There was Squire Smith-he lived in fine
style. His folks was so glad to have me come.
They lived in a big house, and allers made it so
comfortable for me. I had a bed all to myself.
It was so nice.
"And at Deacon Brown's I had such a good
time. The Deacon was always glad to see me.
lHe knew I was bashful at meal-times, so he let
me eat with the children, and sleep with them,
too! Nothing like boarding round when you're
allers welcome.
"But as I was saying, governin' a school is
ticklish business.. Jake Josling was the wursterest boy I ever saw. I have, as Miss Squiggles
so happily said, accomplished his end often, but
to no purpose!- And I have gently warmed
his —as I said before-with a ferule, till the
11




242  Wiwconsm School-iMarm Cmonventwzn.
object of my attention looked like a pile of rails
struck by a tornado! Feruling is good, but is
hard work for the arms. Pulling hair is good,
but it gets grease on the fingers. Pulling ears
is good, but the fingers slip off! Settin' boys
and girls together is good, but it takes too much
time to watch'em. Pouring ink on their heads
is very good, Mr. President, but it wastes the
ink.
"And, then, it is such fun to have the confidence of your scholars; to have them  put
wax on your chair, red pepper in your handkerchief, oil in your inkstand, and fetta on the
stove. I love playful children, Mr. President,
better than I do the good boys and girls, for
it gives us more chance to accomplish their
ends!
"I'm in favor of governin' more and booking
less. I, too, with Miss Squiggles, was once
dumbfounded by the discovery I made once in
regard to the new style of pants. It shocked




Wiwcontin School-Afarm Convention.  243
me to see parents thus interfering to protect
their childen in sin."
The convention here adjourned for lunch, and
Mr. Theophilus Miggles and Miss Squiggles
went arm-in-arm  aft, seated themselves on  a
sofa, and told of school incidents; as how they
had larruped children of the same fathers,
warmed infants of the same  mothers, and
decided to mingle their destinies hereafter.
The last we saw of this brace of teachists,
Squiggles was sitting on a capstan-head, while
Miggles was trotting around, pushing on a capstan-bar, revolving his inamorata that she might
see the country!  The hot sun was beaming
severely down on his uncovered knob, the sweat
of perspiration exuding and trickling like limber molasses down his neck as he pantingly
toiled, while the angelic Squiggles, with chin up
and Waterfall thrown back, was singing"Please, mamma-may I go and swim?"
"Yes, my dearest daughter



244   Wisco8zin Scool-.Mfarm Convention.
If you'll hang your clothes on a hickory limb,
And not go near the water I "
Schoolmurmuringly thine,
" B]Icx" PonOmY.




CHAPTER XXVI.
Tim FUN OF SLEIGXHIG.
N I Of course it's fun, or poets would
~]~  ~not sing, editors write, and young
-people dream of sleigh-riding.  What
every one said was so, we thought must be
so, and Saturday afternoon we tried it on.
First, we engaged as handsome a young lady
as there is in La Crosse. Oh perplexity! but
she has captured us, sure! Then we rented
the use of a fast horse, dashing little conchshell of a cutter, two buffalo-robes made out
of red cloth and wolf-skins, pair of fur gloves
with long wrists and soft imitation mutton-fur




246       Oe Fun of eigAinQ.
on the-outside, a smooth hairy machine to envel.
op our ears in, and around we went to the snug
little Gothic cottage wherein does reside the
girl who went with us.
FurN! Of course we were bound to have
fun! It was cold. Ice-cream in a hail-storm
is no comparison. We drew up in front of
the house. The horse was a fast one-dasn't
tie him-spirited creature-had run away ana
killed two doctors a week before I We holloed.
The' girl came to the window. We nodded.
She nodded and ran away. We waited there,
shivering like a Michigan ague, our molars,
cuspids, and bicuspids rattling in our head like
Spanish castinets.  But don't it take a girl a
long time to dress?  Guess not, Mary Ann 
We grew tired of waiting. Horse got mad.
We waited and amused ourselves with chattering " Pop goes the weasel! "  In about an hour
she came out. We helped her into the cutter.
She was all hoops-large circumferous hoopsl




The Fun of Sleighing.       247
She got in-occupied five-sixths of the seat I
We crowded in edgewise like a coon-skin on
a barn-door, and about as comfortable! We
started for the river, rattlety-skeeter, snowballs
flying and bells jingling. Somebody said it
was delicious riding on the ice.  We headed
that way, and up stream we went, with the
wind to our back, bound for fun.
Good Providnce! how cold it was!  A
cast-iron dog in a well was nothing to it!
Tried to talk!  Not a bit of it!  Tried to
laugh at it. Froze our face all up wapsided
like the price of railroad stock!. She said her
fingers were cold.  We tried to get hold of
them.with one hand' for the purpose of warm.
ing them.  Too cold for that, even. It rode
smooth enough, but how -aflred cold!  Toes
ached?  Rather think they did!  And her
toes, ditto!'Soon her cheeks began to crack
open with the frost-her lips began to chap!
Had read somewhere that two-li2p salve was




248        17e F'un of Sleighing.
good for such attacks!  Thought it would be
nice to apply a little   Got the horse to
"whoa" slightly. We dropped the reins over
the dash and'our foot. She "snugged up" toward us as gently as a juvenile dove.  We
never had kissed her, but thought this a good
time. We " whoa'd" the horse a little moregently placed our right arm around her muffled
waist, our left arm around her-her neck, low
down, and she sort of leaned toward us! All
this time we were going up the river at the
rate of ten miles an hour. We thought she
was freezing!  Heard somewhere that two-lip
salve was an "anecdote" for that!  Had some
along in case of an emergency! We got all
ready —looked behind to see if any one was
in sight to make remarks about us-looked
ahead to see if all was clear around the bend,
and then —" We-e —e-E-.E! "-but what an unearthly scream!  We didn't kiss her just then I
Never knew it was so painful to apply the




e~ Fun of Siging.          249
salve before  When she screamed, the horse
jumped. She leaned back. One of our hands
caught between her and the cutter seat. We
grabbed for the reins-got  them  twisted
and fast around left bboti  Pulled with the
left hand on the "gee" rein.  Ran against
the bank, upset the confounded conch-shell
cutter, and both of 8s got out — "Y-y-yip" —
how easy I The way we go out might have been
graceful there, but it would not have been in
Broadway. It might have been elegant, but
we doubt it! It might have been deliberateonly it wasn't!  We got out of the cutter,
however, quick as it'p8et! Being more poe
lite, we got out first I Then came the young
lady, with another "We-e-e-e —! " only a little
shorter! She lit on our head. Her garments
were not draped, nor did they appear in festoons. We were under, the good Lord only
knows how many yards of mixed goods! We
crawled out and beheld a general assortment
11*




250       T7  Funl of S7iglitg.
of thick-soled shoes, white woollen hose, red
elastics, skirts, skeleton  thing, furs, shawls,
oerino, and young lady, sadly and badly mixed! The horse had gone home with the cutter, robes, and one boot pulled off by the
reins! We were nine miles from home  We
helped the girl up an& smoothed down her
raiment.  She was mad. Says she, "I'll tell
my ma!"  Says we, "Don't!"  Says she, " You
mean feller-upset a-purpose!"   We denied
the soft impeachment, but it was no use, and
we started home on foot. Well, if it warn't
chilly! How our teeth chattered  Our noses
looked as blue as an old cent! She'was madl
Ditto.  She said sleighing was a humbug!
Ditto. She said she'd never go out with a
"Brick" again! We walked half a mile. The
sleet was driving in our face awfully.  Looked
back; and saw, two miles off, a team coming.
Sat down on the ice to rest. Bundled up the
girl —took off our Russian coat, sat down by




The Fvn, of Slighing.        251
her on the ice to keep her warm. It was
rather cool where. we satl  Moved a littledidn't feel it as much.  Her cheeks looked
inflamed.  Our heart felt the same way l  She
sighed, and we sided up to her.  Told her
two-lip salve was good.  She didn't doubt it,
but it was too cold to spread welll We tried
it again. We-e-ee-e —E! It must have been the
cold that made it hurt so to apply the salve.
In-doors, it's fun to use it. We sat there and
waited. The team hove in sight!  Drove up
and stopped. It was a Norwegian with a load
of wood!  Good rugged place for young lady
to ride, but there was no help. She got up.
We tried to, and couldn't. Pants had froze
fast to the ice! Tried again-" rip!" and how
the cold air rushed in upon our spinal membrino! Tried again, and "rip," and more cold
air. The girl took us by the hand-another
"rip!" and a piece of our French doeskin
pants, about the size of the end of a muff, lay




252        Th7  Fun of Sleighing.
there on the cold ice! We complained of the
cold. Norwegian said it would be warmer. if
we wore drawers. Agreed with him! HEelped
the young lady climb on the sled-buntdled
her up with overcoat and light wood, and
came along very gradually, indeed.  Asked
Norwegian his name. He said it was Turner
Overson!  Young lady heard the last sentence-thought he meant it —jumped off with
another " We-e-e-e-E-! —no' you don't!"  She
wouldn't ride there are any more! Hired a
sleigh and driver, and enveloped in cold straw
and shivers, and came into the city behind
two mules, at the rate of a mile in two
hours. Half a mile to each mule! We took
the young lady home, and have not been to
see her since.  The doctor' says her nose, one
ear, both cheeks, one hand, and one foot are
frost-bitten!   We are worse ~ off than that.
Haven't been out of the house for a week
back I We're all frosted, from top to toe.




/tes FWun of &AcSigm'hei.    253
The horse came home in speed and disgust.
He spilt the robes, broke the cutter, and sprained
his leg, so we have him to pay for. Our ride —
our immensely pleasant ride, has cost us over
four hundred dollars already, besides the loss of
a kiss, the young lady, and a few thousands after
marriage! If we ever go out for such fun, some
blind man will please shoot us. If that is sport,
we pass! It's a humbug-a chimera-a delusion
-a-a-a  horn-swogglement.  We shall.never
engags in it again. If you want to sleigh-ride,
go it, but excuse us. This freezing to death for
the sake of sitting by the side of a pretty girl,
is all a humbug, especially when Sunday nights
are as long as now.
P. S.-A pair of fur gloves, hair thing for the
ears, and muffler, for sale cheap. They are fine
articles, but the owner has no further use fox
them!




CHAPTER XXVII.
SLOBBERING PARTIES-FOB THE HEBTHEN!
MODEST rap, rap and a half; or two
raps on the door.
"Come in."
"Good-morning,'Brick."'
"Ditto, Deacon."
"To-night we have a sociable at our house-a
meeting of those who are willing to do a little
something for the benefit of the heathen-a social gathering of young and old, and we wish
you to attend"
" What's the exerciser programe? "
"Oh! nothing out of the way-social sociabil.




Slobbering Partis.          255
ity —chat with the ladies-promenade with the
girls-games-reading  from  a book-a little
fun-contribution-refreshments, such  as cold
water and opening and closing the draft to the
stove!-good-night-home with the girls, etc."
"Will attend I"
" And bring a lady a "
"And bring a lady"
"Good-morning!"
" Ditto, Deacon!"
After supper we read Chesterfield. Then we
looked through our wardrobe for a ruffled shirt.
Then we gave a barber ten cents for a dime's
worth of facing. The next move was to eradicate the' dust from our imported goods. This
done, with trembling heart we started for the soci.
We always were some on the ambition. Actuated thus, we had invited the handsomest girl
in La Crosse'to go with us to help the heathen
out of their religious panic. She was the flower
of the family, and there were thirteen flowers of




256         Slobbering Partis.
them I She was handsome-dreadfully hans,
She was the sweetest in the rosary —the gayest
of the gay-the one altogether lovely. When we
emerged outside from the sill of her father's dom
icile, and saw Bluffer, our rival, riding by with
a mad look, how our heart ambitionated as she
placed her pretty hand within the graceful bend
of our broadcloth I Guess not.
We went to the sociable.
Everybody was there. The house was crowded. Didn't know the heathen had so many
friends. Our Mirilda-that's her name-was the
prettiest girl there.  That made us feel good.
We were late, and the chairs, sofas, settees, ottomans, stools, etc., were occupied. Mlirilda must
have a seat, and to get it she had to sit on the
wood-box. Didn't like that. We stood up.
The sociable began. A nasal chap read something — couldn't tell what. Then commenced the
chat with the ladies. Mirilda was the rose eviery
one was after. Good for Mirilda, but we didn't




Slobberig  Parties.         257
relish it.  Every putty-head in the room was
bound to monopolize her. We-felt mad, and
inwardly said, darn the heathen. Then we had
games. There were forfeits to pay, and old
Mother Wattles was the judge. She did not
like us, because we did not marry her daughter.
She knew we hankered after Mirilda, because we
had told her in confidence, and, unable to hold so
important an item alone, she had got the help of
all the old gossips in the city. She was judge, as
before, stated, and every time a feller did any.
thing she made him kiss Mirilda.
DARN THE HEATHEN.
Deacon Rattler did something, and he must
make a "butter bowl" with our own sweet girl.
And he put his hands over his ugly face, and
blindfold kissed her six several and distinct
times; right in the. mouth at that! The gray
old nuisance! To see him kissing Mirilda made
us feel as a lady feels to see a jackass stampipng
around in a bed of pinks.




258          Slobbering Parties.
Then a little runt with some goose-fuzz on his
upper lip had to kiss her ten times. Then the
school-master had to take a trial at it,'with his
essence-of-cinnamon-scented head! Then a dozen dry-goods clerks, who Mirilda never'would
have let kiss her if it wasn't for fashion, had
to help themselves to bliss from her ruby warehouse!
DARN THE HEATHEN.
After a while-a very long while, too, it came
our turn, and we stood mnadus erectus in,.rontis
the plethoric female judiciary! We knew she
would tell us to kiss Mirilda, and we decided not
to do it —just out of spite! But confound her if
she didn't sentence us to go and get down on
our knees before Miss Slimmer, an old maid of
fifty-five, and then she was to kneel too, and we
were to kiss her twelve times by the thermometer  We did it! Miss Slimmer went at it
like a dog after a rabbit, but then -we do wish
she'd let onions -alone till after such exercises.




Slobbeing Partie.          259
They don't add to such things, even in her
case!
CONFOUND THE HEATHEN.
At last the sociable was over! Our Mirilda
had been kissed, slobbered, mussed, and mousled
over by every chap in the room till she looked
like a pan of currants, half green, half ripe 
The plate was passed, and each donated. Not a
donate from  us! TWe passed, too! We felt
dreadfully womblecropt, and with Mirilda on
our arm  went home, disgusted with all such
"kissing bees" for the sake of the heathen-confound them! We didn't stay long at her house.
We felt mad like! Mirilda felt sort of poorly,
too, and said she didn't want to go again. Said
she'd rather buy those groceries by the retail, as
too many of them  spoiled the market! We
kissed her good-night, and from her lips we
tasted cardamom seeds, tobacco, cloves, sardines,
cassia  buds,. lager-beer, camomile  flowers,
Switzer cheese, gin cocktails, liquorice root, hard




260        Slobb g Eart/ie.
cider, sweet flag, and the Lord only knows what
else! All the effects of promiscuous kissing-for
the benefit of the heathen!
Fashion sanctions it?  Darn fashion! That's
all   Who wants to take the girl he loves to
such parties, where every mutton-head  has
license to kiss, slobber, and mousel- over lips
which at no other time could he dare to touch!
It must be pleasant for girls to be chawed up
and slobbered over by everybody in the room.
It's so modest  It looks so angelic-like  When
woman's lips become public property, we quit.
How sweet is the kiss tinctured up like a drug
store! It looks so retiring and lady-like to see a
pair of ruby lips one has a love for, sitting out
like a horse block.! Fashion may tolerate it, but
fashion is a fool-a very foolish fool at that! It
will do to 8teal kisses by moonlight —when
sleigh-riding-when standing by the gate to say
good-night; or to delicately pluck those ripe
enough to fall, as you sit on a sofa with the lamp




Slobbering  Parties.       261
turned down as if;asleep, one arm around the
waist, the head carelessly resting on your shoulder, and the lips just opened as heaven opens to
let in a loved spirit; but this promiscuous
slobbering, with a hundred raw eyes watching
and waiting for a like chance, is too much for
the human.
CONFOUND YOUpR HEATHEN-iS   PTARTS!




CHAPTER XXVIII.
WONDERFUL HAIR-REPRODUCER..  -, of New York, sent us a cake
of his Onguent, with the modest request to "puff it, and send the bill."
Venerable and farxsighted capillary producer!
We do, and more too.   aur Onguent is a big
thing. Although in small cakes, it is nevertheless a colossal item. We tried it. Following
the printed directions given, we made a lather
and applied, the brush. The lather was mixed
in a glass dish, and in four minutes a beautiful
hair, all shades of color, had started from the




Wonderful Hair-Reproducer.     263
dish. We applied some to our face, and it took
four swift-working barbers to cut down and mow
away as fast as the beard grew. We put a little
on the toe of each boot, and in an hour they
looked like Zouave mustaches. We put some
on a crowbar, and it is covered with long, curly
hair like a buffalo, and in the coldest weather it
can be used without mittens. A little on the
carriage-pole started the hair on it like moss.
We dropped some on the stove, and as the fire
was kindled the hair started, and the hotter the
stove became,- the faster grew the hair, till the
smell of the burnt hair became so powerful as to
drive all from the room. The stove was set in
the barn, and it can't be seen now, as the hair
is literally stacked upon it. Only one application. A little applied on a wagon-tire has in
five days started a vigorous crop, and now the
wagon can be driven over a plank-road and not
make the least noise, so well are the wheels covered with soft hair. Only one application



264     TIronderful Hasir-Reproducer.
dollar a cake. We skinned a goose, put on some
of the Onguent, and in two hours the feathergrower was enveloped in hair like a squirrel, and
was seen this morning trying to climb a shagbark
hickory in the back-yard. A little applied to
the inkstand has given it a coat of bristles,
making a splendid pen-wiper at little cost. We
applied the lather to a tefipenny nail, and the
nail is now the handsomest lather-brush you ever
saw, with a beautiful growth of soft hair at the
end of it, some five or six feet in length. Only a
dollar a cake! Applied to door stones, it does
away with the use of a mat. Applied to a floor,
it will cause to grow therefrom hair sufficient for
a Brussels carpet. A little of this Onguent lather
was accidentally dropped on the head of our
cane, which 1as been perfectly bald for over ten
years, and immediately a thick growth of hair
formed, completely covering it, compelling us to
shave the head twice a week. Only a dollar a
bottle-directions thrown in. A  little weak




Tondclerful fIcair-Rep2roducer.   265
lather sprinkled over a barn makes it impervious
to wind, rain, or cold. It is good to put inside
of children's cradles-sprinkle on sidewalks, anything, where luxuriant grass is wanted for use or
ornament. We put a little on the head of navigation, and a beautiful hair covered it. A little
on the mouth of Mississippi river started hair
there resembling the finest red-top grass, in which
cows, sheep, pigs, hogs, snipes, woodcock, and
young ducks graze with keen relish. Only a
dollar a cake. Sent by mail to any address.
One application will grow a luxuriant mustache
for a boy. One dollar a cake. Samson used it.
12




CHAPTER XXIX.
THs DICKENS.
X We saw him.'E came from Hengland I Came hover
the hocean hin two steamers, the blarsted things!
He came over to collect interest on his. notes of
Americans taken some years since. He said
the Americans were hall Hasses, and-the
Dickens!
The Lord loveth wbhi he chasteneth.
We all love wh oeveriohatiseth us. Selah.
Therefore,'the -D)ieks.
We did saw him!
Great men are always fashionable. The folks




Lte Dicenkew.          2617
turn out to welcome great men and those they
love. They rushed to see Lincoln's funeral.
They paid to see the late prize-fight. They
welcomed the Portland gag Weston, the walkist,
whose pleasant fictions as to wagers, and so forth,
reminds us of Dickens.
The papers have told all they know about
WESTON.  Some of them  have had special
correspondents to tell us of Dickens-who he
was, how he was, what he was, when he was,
where he was, why he was, which he was, and
how he acted while he was!
The New York papers are not particular
enough.' Their readers are great for gossip and
raising the Dickens. We pattern after New
York papers and cater only to those who follow
lions and flutter like tails to foreign kites.
Dickens came.
Then he came again.
This is his second coming.
We saw him land. We sat on the top of




268            The Dickens.
Buiker Hill Monument and saw him come
ashore. We ran ahead of him to New York and
saw him there. He came:in by Communwipaw,
Murray Street, the Central Park, Tamnmay
Hall, Mozart Wood pile, and down the Broadway 
He is-the Dickens.
He was dressed in men's clothes-,or one man's
clothes at all events.  They. were made jin,
England. He had hair on his head, and what he
could not put there he had on hi face.. 
wore a coat, and a penknife. He walked in from
the Hub for his constitutional. He- emr.utes
Weston, only Weston beat the Dickens? He
entered the hotel by the front door. He walked
very fast-made the distance, eight miles from
the carriage to the hotel door, inside his-under
shirt I
His boots were worn on his feet, while he wore
his hat on his head! He sells enough waste
paper each day to buy a rose for his button-hole.
The paper comes from those who wish him t(




7Th Dicken&. 269
exhibit himself at their houses. This would
make the next door and the other set of fellows
feel bad  The Dickens!                  -
-He eateth not of mustard. So does a cat I
Very unfeline not to eat mustard!  He eats
mutton chops and pulls wool. Selah I
He has two agents and nine body-servants.
And many servants for his legs l He says come
here, and they goeth —and go there, and they
cometh!
He uses a fork. He makes'em! all fork over I
We saw him arise once. It was in the morning
-before breakfast. Thii is the how of it.
At half-past three o'clock A. x. he tuined over
and squeaked the bed to see if his agent had
come in. Then he sneezed out of one nose.
Then he sneezed out of the other. Then he
sneezed out of'both at once. Three times.
HIe then pulled the top sheet over his right
eyebrow, turned to his left wing, and slept like a
babe taking its catnip or kit nap I




27Q            eThe Dickews.
At four he slung the sheet from  his chir
turned over again and gently put his left foot out
of bed. One of his leg servants then drew on his
hose. He dresses the left foot first. This is not
right, for he eats no mustard. So does a cat I
Then his garments were wafted on him, all
but the rose in his button-hole. He washed his
face in the basin. Used water, wet his hands
before he did his face. This is peculiarly
English. Then he combed his hair by proxy,
and while one of his servants was cleaning his
teeth, wrote a ten-thousand-dollar article for the
Mamby Pamby Pas  Book.
At six o'clock he sneezed again. It was the
mustard I
At seven he tasted a glass of water, and at
eight poked his head out of the window to hear
an Italian boy from Dublin sing, as he trudged
along between two tin pails —
Clams to sel1 Fine clams to day!
Clams nice and soft from Rockaway I




Tie Dickens.             271
clams to bake and clams to fry,
And clams to make a clam pot-pie
Oh Clams 
Oh Clams I
Soft clams I
Tell your dads and tell your mams
That rm the boy to sell'em clams I
This little testimonial will be printed  m
volume two of his American Notes, price ten
pence ha'penny!
At nine he breakfasted.  He entered the
dining-room by deploying from the left, striking
the table in an oblique position on the extreme
centre.  He then  caromed on a soft-boiled
potato, levied on a link of fried eel, pulled an
eye-winker from his left eye, camped on a hot
buckwheat pancake rather syruptitiously, drove
his picket into a country sausage, illustrated an
edition of porter-house beef.steak with cuts,
made a water-fall of a glass of milk, wrestled
with it two inches higher than his cheek bone, andt




272:            The Dickens.
downed a piece of butter and sneezed gently at
the mustard I
Dickens uses tea. He uses it for a beverage.
He holds the cup even with his cheek bone,
in his left hand, and dips it in. with a tea.
spoon. He refused to allow Butler to call on
him during tea-time l
At ten o'clock he shoves the table from him
and sits down against the wall to write. He
is quite a noted -writer. He writes for fun
while waiting for something to turn up. Then
he looks.over his tickets, gives the counterfeit
ones to dead heads, writes a letter to his pub,
lishers, and  tries the  hall for its acoustic
properties.  When he walks he puts one leg
before the other.  The faster he walks the
faster he moves his legs.  3But he uses no
mustard!
He is commanding-orders a  gin-cocktail
whenever he wants one, except in Boston I
When writing he sits in a chair if coa.




The Dicken8.           273
venient, places the paper before him, takes
the pen in his right hand, dips it occasionally
in' an inkstand and winks.  He always winks
as he dips his pen, but uses no mustard I
He is the author of several. works, in which
respect he resembles Brigham  Young  more
than George Washington, who used mustard l
He telegraphed into Boston from. mid-ocean
that he was sea-sick, and should leave the
steamer and wafk in, so an extra boat was
sent out to meet hin. One day when dining
with Deacon Brown, of the Two-hundredthstreet Church, he got off a joke which startled
the Brown family.
Said Mrs. Deacon Brown —
"My dear Mr. Dickens, how did you like
the sea on your trip -"
Said Charles"I see too much of it-let us wave the sub.
ject! 0 s&hun it, I pray l"
The Browns all laughed immoderately. But
12*




274             The Dickens.
Dickens would not eat their mustard! Then
Mrs. Deacon Brown asked if he was sea-sick.
Then Mr. Dickens responded —
"You bet I Every man of sense is sea-sick.
So was I. I was disgusted, and I thought of
the person who attempted a sea voyage on the
sea of Galilee, was sea-sick, disgusted, and
got out and walkedl"
Deacon Brown looked at his wife, but neither
of them smiled. It was the mustard I
In person Mr. Dickens resembles his -pictures
quite much, but the resemblance is not so striking as it was. Mr. Dickens brought a few
intimate friends with him to this country, the
society here being so poor, and it is now his
intention to visit a few of the wealthy but
honest families of New York and Boston with
his select party, for the purpose of giving us
Americans lessons in manners,.politeness, and
civilization without mustard!




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