A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. VELUTI IN SPECULUM.' From what I have gathered from youi' own relation," said the king, " and the answers I have, with much pains, wringed and extorted from yol, I can not but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little, o(lious vermin, that Nature ever suffered to crawl upoli thle surface of the earth."-GLtllivcr's lzeZls. "My horror and astonishment are not to be described, when I observe' this abominable animllal a perfect human figure." —bid.' Where knaves and fools combined o'er all prevail."-Byron. 2PREFACE BY THE AMERICAN PUBLISHER. THIs work first appeared in England, without name, perhaps because some of the allusions might be there considered personal, and libellous. It was republished, in parts, in The Conlet, a periodical long since out of print. A few copies were also for sale in octavo form, decently bound, but at a high price. These also have disappeared; and if any remain, they will be sought after for the library, by those who wish to keep it in that form. The object of the poem is to ridicule the vices and follies of mankinld, especially those of pride, oppression, hypocrisy, or superstition; and its tendency is, consequently, to elevate society; while its merits as a poem, and its wit, are calculated to secure it a hearing, at the same time, the philosophy, the learning, and the information amassed in its notes, must afford solid food for those who profess to have no appetite for poetr'y. Our object in reprinting it, is, not only to give it to the public, who are now deprived of it, but to give it in a cheap form, so that it may come within the reach of thousands who would otherwise never see it G. V. PREAMBLE. i"0 world! buzzard world! when wilt thou come'out of thline infancy, and assume a beard, and a mind worthy of that beard!i Learn to despise long coats; reject thy leaders and leading strings'; stand upon thine own legs; be of age; look round thee, and distinguish truth and freedom firom restraint and disguises.-DDisse'tation ztpos Old Wiom~en. Thus apostrophized Thomas Gordon, a century ago; and can we pronounce the " Buzzard" to be much wiser at present, and in a condition to cast off its leading strings and long coats; or (to continue the metaphor) able to dispense with its go-cart and slavering-bib! That the world is very silly, considering its age, has been observed long since; which, however, is not much to be wondered at, when we recollect what great care is taken to perpetuate ignorance, and eradicate friom the mind of youth every natural and rational idea, and to substitute in lieu the most nonsensical and stupifying metaphysical jargon, by which the mind becomes so contaminated,~ that, under the name of religion, the horrible and cannibal idea of eating and drinking the "body and blood" of the deity they worship,t and to whom * "Sa conception 6tait d'autant plus vive et plus nette, que son enfanece n'ayant point ete cliargoe des inutilit6s et des sottises qui accablent ia n6tre, ]es choses entraient dans sa cervelle sans nuage. — N'avant rien appris dans son enfanece, il n'avait point appris de prejuges. Son entenclement n'ayant point 6t6 curbe par l'erreur 6tait demleur6 dans tout sa rectitude. 11 voyait les clhoses cornme elles sent, an lieu que les id6es qu'on nous donne dans l'enfance nous les font voir' toute notre vie colmme elles"ne seont point." —'I2keqiss' "And here we drink our Savior's blood."- ctsts' q/osnnRS. Thlis is pretended to be only typical, dec.; but even when considered in that light, the 1:,:bl'( i lea is enough to put a Clherlokee or a Hottentot to the blush, as the d*e vy quintessence of cannibalism. PREAM IBL E. 5 they address their supplications, so far from exciting horror, is set clown as the first and most important duty of a Christia YAHOO! We now live in an enzlightened age!-what a consoling and heart-warming consideration! —where the intellect is spread out like an apothecary's plaster, and the nind clmarches on with the strides of a Captain Bobadil, or Major Sturgeon; and every poor scribbler is'sufficiently enlightened to know that if he wishes for pudding or praise, or is desirous of eating apple-tarts and cream with the maids of honor, or venison and custard with the lord-mayor, he must glide quietly on with the stream, and be careful how he hints, in the most remote manner, at the folly and vices of the Cor: inthian order. The most distlo'It allusion to their depravity will be deemed jacobinism; the slightest observations on the dam.ning creed of Athanasius, blasphemy and atheism, and rational remarks on'the so much admired fustian in heroics,* or cat-lap namby-pamby of "' Peter and his Ass," will stamp himl a low-lived Goth, and totally disqualify him for ever associating with the be-whiskered dandies and painted dolls in high life. All lhe could then expect would be the reward of the poor poet, as described by Pope-a garret with broken windows, and half a peck of coals; or to be admitted as a member of Foote's squad of scribblers, and start fair with them for a mess of milk porridge at breakfast time. Reading Public (to adopt the fashionable slang, but who seem to read to little purpose), ten thousand pens are worn and wearing to the stumps, working day and night in pro* See the "Ode on the Battle of Waterloo," where Carnage is'God's daughiter," among other instances of the sublime and beautiful; and poor Peter's donlkey's brotherly three groans, in the slop. dawdle way; with "Betty Foy," the "toothless mastiff bitch," &ce., &c., all of which, after being properly daubed over by learnzed and imlpartial reviewers, were purchased with avidity by an intelligent reading public, to their great edification and delight. A lady, who was purchasing a collection of books, asked Dr. Johnson whether she sliould be guided in the selection by the reviews. "By all means, madam," replied the doctor;' tlhey will seirve you as an infallible guide; purlchase all tlhat tlhey revile, but none that they praise, land you will be( stlle to be rligllt."-Colton'S i~lypocrisy G6 P R A BuPREAMBLE, curing wherewithal to glut thy insatiate and ravenous maw,* and, with a very few exceptions, with the same sort of mawkish stuff; one scribbler following another in the same dull beaten track, like horses in a team, as Parson Hickeringill observest-" one's nose in t'other's tail," all singing to the same tune; the parrot-like gabble, and the cuckoo's dull note; everlastingly bellowing forth in praise of the "powers that be;" blarneying with fulsome panegyric the "'best of kings;"I an illustrious nobility;~ the pure and sapient Collective;j1 the glorious Constitution; with the never-enough-to-be-praised British nation, as pre* "The many-headed beast is a foul feeder," says Dr. Soutley; and the doctor is very right, as appears by its feeding on such filthy food as Lot and his daughters;'Zekel's btttered b6uz; and the two Brims, whose " teats of virginity were bruised," &c. (Ezelkiel xxxiii.) besides gorging every Lord's day on the bloocly sweat of the Lamb. Now let us suppose a Lord Fopdoodle, or a Sir Dilberry Diddle, wivo had hnurried to be in time at a grand dinner party of Corinthians of the highest class, should arrive in a state of perspiration, wiping his phiz, and exclaiming that lie was in a "bloody sweat," what a conster nation and turning up of eves it -would occasion, with the stamp of downright blackguard on his character for ever after. - "Pillars of Priestceraft,.": Yes! and as wise as good! —See P. Pindar's account of the ~royal dead mutton sent to Fleet market for sale; and of the inore than Paul Pry curiosity to discover the seam in the apple-dumpling; with other Solomon-like specimens of profound sagacity, in the late money scrapinl', churchI-uoing SIIEEPYO A-IERICANUS. ~ Titles were offered to the leading melnbers of Congress, as a lure, during the American war; in answer to which Dr. Franklin replied "' Peeral es! Alas, sir! our long observation of the vast servile majority of your peers voting constantly for every measure proposed by a mrlinister, however weak or wicked, leaves us little respect for thlem."-''-ankli''s fCorrespolzdecee. A parliament of knaves and sots, (Members by name you mIust not mention), He keeps in pay, andlbuys their votes, Writh here a place, and there a pension. Lorud [Iochester. "You will receive lherewith," says Frederick It., in a letter to D'Alemn-bert, dJiiing thle Aimerican war, "the remedy which you request for the lydrophobllia, or bite of imad dogs. The medicine has performiled wonderful curves, and I would recommend that it be sent to the English Parliament. Its members Jact like a legionl of lunatics." -Belshalz's Ifistor y of Englca d. P a iiA 11 1t3 i','., 7 eminent in virtue, courage, humanity,'* charity, and every other good quality: every third page of their lumin1ous productions larded (like a round of beef with gobbets of fiat bacon) with "'the Lord's goodness," the "blessing of Heaven, Divine Providence,. a precious Redeemer, the Most High," &c, &c., not forgetting the "inestinmable treasure of the Holy Scriptures, which excelleth all the treasures of the earth" (as the translators of the Jew book told the brutish Solomon in their dedication), with other fear-the-lord gibberish, of a similar quality. * BJritish I-lumalnitv is the eternaln cry with which we are deafened; and, itndeed, whenever a subscription has been set on foot for thle -poor Jutieh, poor' iSeisas, distressed Germaens, or other foreigners, wiltl a reconllelidation from royalty, a considerable sum has alwalys been raised; but when fouLi or five hundred pool creatures, their owni dear 3ritons, were cut to pieces, and tram-iIpled under the iron hoofs of horses, indiscriminately, imen, women, and children, by inlfuriated, half-dmrunken sravages, who had their sabres sharlened expressly for the butcheery, and thle distress and horror it, might hnve been sulposed wnould have excited general compassion among a people self-styled the very quiltessence of humanity, and the truce Christiasn millk of hIman kindness; but no! a yell (of barlbarous exult;ntion was set up; and a cry of "served'emr right," was heard from Colrnwall to the Orkney islands, amorng the genteel classes of toad-eaters and liek-spiltles, in consequence of the bloodhounnds receivinrg the thanks of the king for their leroic exploits.: A subscription was set on foot for thle relief of such as survived(, as well as for the widows and orphans of tile mnltrdere], aiid a few i tindred lounds raised, principally by the " swinish multitude," in their clubs and societies; as it iwas considered disgriaceful in thie quality line to contribute! Talk of British humaniit y! Wliat cormpassion was shown toward poor Byrne, who was imprisoned and'clm elly nlhipped, for accusing (and justly) a stinking beast of a bishop of an unmnatural crime; and wlho, afterward, when detected, got of; having a snivelling lord for his brother, as well as the interest of the Churcli, who do not like such affailrs to be brotlght to light before the daddies of thle lord. Humnan-ity Wh;Vo ever interfered in behalf of MArs. and M3iss Carlile, and Mrs. Wrig ht, awhile suffering in loathsome prisons, for their integrity and virtuous advocacy of truth l Who commiserated the dreadful state of the unfortunate Ogden, when expiring in jail under the torments of a rupturea Didl not the spouting coek of the swaslk set the -whole kennel of collectives in a roar of laughter, by adverting to the sufferings of the "rsevered and souptured" Ogdenl? - Humanity i Pshaw Twaddle! Fudge! Old Nick is hulmane to his favorite imps, no doubt. * This horrible tragedy, conmmonly called the MNTanchester massacre, whichl was pornomoted laed directed by two parsons, was discussed in the upper kennel (lhouse of lords), whena 150 mo-t nioble lo ds voted their approbation. 8 ~ nPR E A Sl B L E.' Whatever is, is right," is the cry of the kennel, consequently there can be nothing wrorlg; and when a convict swings off in fine style fronm the new drop, are they not assured by the Rev. Mr. Diddleum, that after they have repented of their sins, and received absolution, they will mount up to the regions of bliss, be welcomed by the angelic host, and occasion great rejoicing in heaven?* Does not this prove irlcontestably that " all is for the best," and that " whatever is, is right?1" "Tlhe man whose soul the blaclkest vices taint, For heavenl's glory males a damned good saint;." Peter Pindar. "Rel)ent then all ye rogues, ye'll be forgiven, An(d give the saints a holiday in heaven." And surely we must acknowledge this to be a most consolirng, as well as an encouraging doctrine for thieves and cut-throats, wiho ought to felicitate themnselves on being the hullable instrtmenelts of so Imuch mnerry-malking, when they are dismissed by John Ketch, Esq., with a hempen collar of their order round their necks, as a passport for Ikingdomcome, of which no doubt they are not a little protud upon their arrival, and swagger away like evangelicals of the first water.t Let us, therefore, sing to the praise of the Lamb, and this head-spouter Paul, and the blessed doctrine of " justification. by faith, and atonement for sin," so admirably calculated for the spread of wickledness, and the linowledgebox of the intelligent Yahoo!t "I say unto you, that joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over nlinety and nine just persons which need no repentance."-Luke xv. f It is a common saying among felons, that, " when the worst comes to the -worst, they can tip tIle devil a Redesdale, and get white-washed by the parson at the gallows.": "To make the entrance sure for rogue or thief, As well as him who lives by honest means, Our hero so arranged his belief, That even the rogue, provided that lhe gains Both faith and grace, should stand the better chance, As all his previous sins would but enhance "IIis worth in heaven; at least we're often told, That o'er repentant: sinners by thie saints PREA MB3E1:. 9 But although " all is for the best," and everything under the superintendence of Divine Providence, without whose peermission a sparrow cannot fall to the ground (as the spiritual Jackli in a box assures his assinine audience at the Fudge-office), yet so little reliance is placed on the assertion by the poor bewildered Ydahoo, that he is incessantly worrying the great Jehovah to change his immutable decrees to gratify some selfish or ridiculous whim, notwithstanding his drawling whine of " thy will be done." One asks for an east wind, while another wants a west, &c.And when we consider that the Turlks are all bawling and screaming on Friday, the Jews groaning and grunting on Saturday, and the Christians snivelling and psalm-sinoging on Sunday; and that, in the intermnediate days, the Esquimaux, Catabaws, WVinnebagoes, Otaheitans, Hotteentots, (c., are all lard at it, howling and bellowing out Divine service in their way, one can not help thinking that the situation of' the great Jehovah, so far from being desirable, would not be accepted of in exchange by his dark-skinned antagonist in the cellar, provided lie was obliged to continue superintendent of the two-legged grubs called Yahoos; and, that the latter has the least harassing and unpleasant employment of the two, especially as he can take an airing when he pleases, and even trot up stairs on levee days, strutting about like a crow in a gutter, and gossipping with the great Jehovah " en famille."-Job i. Those " whom the Lord loveth he chastiseth," we are told, " and scourgeth every son whom he receidveth;" therefore the more we are drubbed the more thankful we ought to be, and the more convinced of his lovirg-kindness; but, unfortunately, we are sometimes at a. loss to ascertain whether it is by the rod of the Lord, or by that of the Devil, the stripes are inflicted, as the latter was permitted to give poor Job, who was an " upright man and feared the Lord," a confounded whacking;* so that it seems the Lord punish"There is more joy, l)y near an hundred fold, Thlan o'er the virtuous souls, of nwhor complaints Ha(d never reached the gods:-this was a bribe, A fine inducemenllt for the sinling tribe 1" PrizePoei on St. Paul.'* Poor Job! lie might well lament that he " came out of the belly." — Job. iii. 10 PREAMBI E. es us for our wickedness, and the devil for our goodt qualities Br avo This is beino between anvil and hammer 1with a vengeance But if all's for the best, and everyth[lloi r ight, why should we grumble? If we are to be bultldled into hell, let us eat our pudding, anld hold our tonogues, ardcl make the best of a bad bargain; it's all what pleases the Lord, or it would not be, and we ought to thank God for everything-as an old woman used to be continually telling her unlucly cub of a grandson, who one (lay camle rurnirno in crying, " Don't you say we should thank Go~d for everything, granny?"-" Yes, to be sure, my dear," says she. " Well then," says Dick, "' I've tumbled down xwithl thle basket of eggs you bid me carry to Goody Grump, alnd they're all s mashed."-" You unluckliy brat," Clies poor granny, " I've a good minld to lug your ears.""Whv, I thougti," cries Dick, " we were to tharnk God for everything; but that's not all, for our cow's dead, and is lying on the common; so there's something else to thank God for, besides the broken eggs, granny." " To live in society," says an intelligent writer, " we must sympathize with it; but no sympathy can subsist between the knaves and fools, who are playing the game of' makebelieve,' and quarrelling over the stakes, and the person who sees through their trickery, and despises its objects. There is no disguising from the cool eye of philosophy, that all living creatures exist in a state of natural warfare; and that man (in hostility with all) is at enmity also with his own species-man is the natural enemy of man; aind society, unable to change his nature, succeeds but in establishing a hollow truce, by which fraud is substituted for violence. The honestest and the boldest man must hide a good half of his thoughts, if he would rnot be lodged betwveen four walls, or interdicted ab aqua et igi. He who has not the courage to encounter a mass of evil, must pass through life with a bridle perpetually on his tongue. He must hear with a becoming gravity the words honor and patriotism proceeding from the lips of pollution-he must hold law to be synonymous with justice, persecution with tolerance, general pauperism wvith national prosperity, priestcraft with piety, and plunder with loyalty and religion." Hobbes affirms the state of nature to be a state of war; PiREAM ABLE. i 1 and in what does that of civilized life differ, except that it is carried on under a masked battery? One Yahoo will always covet the luxuries and superfluities of another, of which he is hinlself destitute (whatever he may pretend to the contrarly ) in spite of the interdictions of' Porteusiar bibles, or canting t.racts of " Christ aind a Crust," &c., with which he is gutted till the gorge rises, and but to little purpose.' Comman m enents from the Decalogue may be solemnly mouthed. out by the priest, forbidding the Yahoo to co-et his neighbor's goods, and children told that they must not hanker after the cherries or toy;s of' their playfellows; all which are as scru.lpulously attended to, and with as much efifect as proclamations wvould be by hungry mastiffs, forbidding them to covet each other's horse-flesh. And is not the same selfish or envrious disposition shown even in factitious wadats; one Yahoo of the highel class, will envy another who has obtained permission from the master of the puppetshow, to paint a fool's bauble on the pannels of his boobyhutch, or stitch it on the corner of his mucus wrappers and scullion's dishclouts, to which he thinks he has a better pretension hiimself. * The Yahoo, it seems, is now ashamed of the filthy language -of hlis holy bible, wlhich is at present filtering through ecclesiastical strainers to clarify it for the Goily! This is at least an indication of a spread. B3ut i.s it not to be lalenuted that the emasculated parts, or luscious exulerances of the Holy Sci'ipture (to say nothing of the castration of Gibbon and Sliakspel-e), shoutld thus b)e ]ost;? Would it not be advisabl]e to collect and publish thern under tlle title of, " Btits for Godly Gormiacdizers," as a kind of spiritual Lamb's friy? (we now can furnish a penny list for selection) for the benefit of delicate ladies, awho tni.ght thus learn, among othler holy matters, on what accou011t admission was refused to the "congregation of the Lord."-Deuter. xxiii. The time is undoubtedly apzproachling when this nauseous and disgusting book will be carefully excluded from every decent family; in spite of the parsons, who are -working' night and day, like devils upon a mud wall, to sutlport it. That' such demoralizing trash should be considered as essential to the poor Yahoo's salvation, affOlds a decided proof of the superiority of lhis intellect, so much boasted of! Jr The report of the committee for inquliring into the cause of the iullrolse of coilmitmenr ts and convictions in London and IlMiddlesex, a lces, inhat notwithstanding all we hear of schools, and the progress of. education, juvenile depravity was never so unlimited in degree, or) so deperate in character.-Sosthey's Colloqzuies. %12 PREAMBLE. "All envy power in others, and complain Of that which they would perish to obtain. —Chm'clhill." And, as was observed by Sir Robert Walpole, that by obliging one friend, he was certain to create a dozen enemies. Sutch is the loving-kindness of Christian Yahoos to each other, though taught to love their neighbors as themselves! but they are all tarred with the same brush, and play the same game in their turn. Some author has observed, that it is to be lamented, the great Jehovah, after proving the incorrigibility of the Yahoo race, by sousing them all (with the exception of eight, whose offspring proved no better), like so many puppies in a horse-pond, and smiting, and " swearing in his wrath," did not create a fresh batch, free friom the defects of their Adamite progenitors,~ instead of sending his only brgotteu Son as a sacrifice, in company with a ghost (one to milk a ram and the other to hold the pail), and all for what? Cti boneo? for although the said ghost fills the paunch, or the sconce, no matter which, of every reverend prig to this very day, and without doubt inspires hirm to sputter forth his Godly jabber;t the poor Yahoos retmain lost muttons, and continue to be trundled wholesale and retail into the tithe-barn of the OLD ONE. But is it not very extraordinary and inconceivable, that the only begotten Son, aided by the ghost, and under the guidance or superintendence of the Father, in their soulsaving mission, sent expressly to take away the sins of the world, should have succeeded no better? Three to one, * Much crime andic misery would have been avoided in this "best, of all possible worlds," if the great Jehovah, when he dcbbed up the YaLoo, hlad clapped a bell or clicker within him, which should have given thle alarm whenever lie told a lie. There would then have been but little want of law and gospel. t This ghost, it appears, first exhibited himself "as the sound of a mig'hty ruslling wind"-an odd way for a ghost!-and settled in the shape of "fiery cloven tong'ues" on the jobbernols of a set of lazy lubbers, who, instead of nlinding their fishing-tackle and leatherdressing, went about the higlhways.lIawworminzg. But, how do the parsons of the present day contrive to get so full of this ghost, by whom they affirm they are called on to spout;? We see no " fiery tongues" on their lumber-garrets, though we hear them from their moutlhs denouncing hell-fire to all unbelievers, and such as dare to pry into their holy pilfering mysteries. PREAMBLE. 13 they say, are ocdds at foot-ball; and who could suppose in such a contest tlhey would come off second best, and leave the grim fienld triullphant, to snap his black fingers, and laugh at their ineffectull efforts to rescue the Yahoo from his clutches (which they themselves admit, and to continue in his career, " Going about like a roaring lion" [oh, that it we're a Picadilly one, that we might laugh at its braying!], and seeking whom he may devour. But', why Gorarnity no kill debil?" as Friday said to his master, " Goramity all good, all strong!" Ah, why, in deed! poor Crusoe was sadly puzzled, and wished he had a bishop at his elbow to answer the poor ignorant savage. Whence has the ugly rascal so much power? Is it not astocnishinig, after the repeated attempts of the Lamb & Co. (Goramity's delegates here on earth), to rescue the poor Yahoo friom debil's claws, by bugaboo visitations, bible-porinlg, tract-snuffling, and hymn-singing," as well as by catechizing, churching, confirming, and patrsonnizirg in every way possible, that he should still continue in a state of sin? Is it with filthy lucre and thle " marnmon of unrighteousness"' that Satan lures the precious soul of the Yahoo frorn the narrow to the broad way, which leadeth to the bottomless pit? Yea, verily it looketh very like it, for that the Wicked One knoweth full well to be a never-failing bait, and holdeth it up before the peepers of such as are not strong irn the Lord Jesus; even as the recruiting sergeant holdeth up a sbhioer to tempt the bumpkin to cast aside his smockfrock, and become a gentleman. And when do our spiritual pastors and masters, who are eternally croaking about *The following is a specimen of tlie Godly cat-lap the saints regale thle Lord withl in theil gospel sliops:"What is now to children the dearest thing here 8 To be the Lamb's lambkins, and chickens rmost dear. Such lambkians are nourished with food that is best; Such chickilens sit safelyv and warm in their nest. And wihen Sattan at an hlour, Comes our elhickens to devour, Let thle chilldren's ang'el say, Thlese are Clhrist's chicks, go thy way?' Soutltey's Life of lT'esley. See more of this stuff in the Bath Guid:e, p. 57; with an excellent parody, p. 129. 9. 1 4 PREAMI B L E, the depravity of the heart, and tile corruptive quality of richles, ever renounce them if they are possibly come-ata.b le? " Tault que la fortune, les honrneurs, et le vice seront d'un cote, la pau'vret6, l'abandon, et la verti de l'autre, le choix des homlnes ine sera pas doutetlx. On pourra viVre dans le vice, sans vivre dans l'opprobre, on pourra meme se perdre pour une borne action: rmais il y aura un culte publie, et ce culte fleurira au milieu des mauvaises mmurs, commne u1n plante parasite sur un tronc pourri.": T "If our tongues correspond with our hearts," says Dean Swift, " 1men will avoid our company, because their faults will not be conmplimented; and if' the heart and tongue do Hot ao'ree, we mlust certailly have a very mean opinion of ourselves, if we have the least iiotion of honesty; nevertheless it is so noecessary in life, that it has become an art. He that c.in imakeo his countenance applaud an object, though hlis hear tdespises it, is what is called a nel7-bredtl uan, a polite gentleiman, and oic who knows the world." lThe fi)llowing petite ouvelage was composed at different times, from observations of the prevailing follies and vices, and irrational conduct of the lords of reason; the greatest part many years since, as imay be supposed by the allusion to Master Betty, the Cock Lane ghost, &c. It was not intenlded for the press, but written merely as a matter of amusement, in a profound retirement, far fiom the metropolis, and is now brought by accident before the reading public for their recreation in this "' march of mind," arnd "spread of intellect" era; riot with any view to profit, as may readily be imagirned, but rather in the full persuasion that by ninlety-nine out of every hundred of the enlightened and intelligenit Yahoo race, the author will be consigned to the fiery lake of the Black Prince. This must naturally be expected: very few are pleased when their vices and absurdities are held up to derision; especially their darling superstitious practices of hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo, and fee-fal' -fun; that being by church logic a " sin aoainst the Holy Ghost," and never to be forgiven. The Odium Tineologicoul, which, as AMr. Lawrence justly observes, is the L ILetter fronm1 the Marquis de Rivarol ltio 5M. Nectker. "most concentrated essence of rancor and animosity," is sure to be vromited forth against all such productions as militate against their usurpations, and expose their mountebanilk itogglery; for the same reason that policemen are execrated arid fired at by a banditti of thieves whenl nmolested in the exercise of their' profession. T[his indeed is not to be wondered at, agreeing with Sqlaere's'; rule of right and fitness of things." Caw me, caw thee, and vice versa, curry nje, curry thee. But there is another tribe whose malevolence is conspicuous upon such occasions, who are paid, as well as the former class, for the venom they spit forth, and whose slander and scurrility is directed against every one whose principles are suspected of being inimical to the " powers that be,"'hether of the Lord Jesus or of the lord of Hell, who, as, Lord Byron observes, "feed by lying and slandering and slalie their thirst by evil speaking," who skullk in the dark, and like a hydra, or many-headed monster, begin hissing and barking at those who express disapprobation of the follies and vices of the higher orders, many of whom are notorious for their apostacy, and obtain laureateships, and monuments in cathedrals,* from their direliction of truth Tlie great i~forereist, or Rexe po0rcor'ta, it wnas confidently report;ed, dn'in(r the Alnelrican wnar, and soon after lie "changed his coat, and wrould have changedl his slsin" (as Lord Byron says of tile laureate), was e)ngaged in draxwing, up inflaimmaltory addresses to tihe negroes in the Southern staftes, irfstigoating l them to set fire to their naster's plntations, and go over to tlie British army, where they would be protected andlc rewarded i At tlwat timle Edmund Burke, one of tile chiefs in tihe ga1ng of apostates, was such a violent enemy to royalty, that he proposed in thle collective a reduction of the liingly power, even in the article of guttling! And in la;ter days, lhave we not TWat Tyler staring us in the face, aniong other barrefaced instances of sop-in-tlhe-pe, huinters!'vwho have totally disregarded chalracter and principle? But " The silver turnip's tempting skin, Draws such base hogs through thick andcl thin." Or1', as Churechill observes, " Conviced, I changed (can any man do more? And have not greater' patriots clhlniged before?) Clianlged, I at once (can r:iy nman do less?), Without a single blush, that change confess; Confess it; with a manly kind of pride, And quit the losing for the winning side," 1 6 PREAiMBLE. and principle;* possessing supple " uwha wants me" sort of consciences, and who are ready for any dirty work at the nod of their employers: such have hissed and barked at Gibbon, Dr. Wolcot, Horace Walpole, Lady Mlorgan, Lord Byron, and other writers of distinguished abilities; but they are paid for their work, and it's all one to such hirelings whether they labor in the Lord's vineyard or the de vil's. That we live in a vitiated age (notwithstanding the so much boasted " spread and stream of intellect"), and that a general corruption has taken place, and rendered morals a laughing-stock, is notorious and universally admitted; but then we are blessed with a superabundance of godliHless, alias cant,t to qualify it and make amends: every pious swindler now can let off half a dozen gospel squibs inl your face, about Paul's snippipg off a bit of poor Tim's trapsticli,t and such holy stuff, and give you chapter and *verse, like Cuddy's mother in the " Tales of my Landlord," wvhile he is drawing the watch or handkerchief out of your pocket. "Such is the modern apostolic race, Reformed, regenerated rogues of graceWho sigh for heaven, yet God ini lolammone see, And pick a pocket on the suppliant knee; One eye to God, lamentinog moral evil, The other winking'down upon the devil: One voice to Heaven,' To good my heart incline I' And one in whispers,'Satan, I am thine I'" Peter Pinzdar. And to the same tune singeth Nic,~ " Non vi e bisogna che tu abbia tutte le qualita, che ho detto [religion] ma solamente che tu mostri di averle." And again, in speaking'' "Oh, for a world, in principle as chaste As this is gross and selfish; over Nwhich Custom and prejudice shall bear no sway, That govern all things here, should'ring 1 aside The meek and modest truth, and forcing her To seek a refuge fromn the tongue of strife In nooks obscure, far from thle ways of men."-Cowper.'i It is rather remaarkable that all official ecclesiasticeal documents, hatched and cuddled into shape at Lambeth, should be signed by the grand humbug, cANT! It is a curious coincidence, and certainly very appropriate. t Acts of the Apostles, xvi. 3IMachiavelli. PREAMBLE. 1/7 on thl-e same topic, he observes, "Ma quest'ultima qualita e quella che importa piet di ogazi altia di avere esteriormente!" Thlis is instruction for a prince! Cant and kingdom come, for ever! Amen. The Yahoo race consists of two classes, the bamboozlers and the bamboozled; the cry of the latter (of the lowest class) is " GIN anrd JESUS," while that of the upper class is " CnURCH and STATE1," with a " let well alone." The motto of the knowing ones is, " Si populus vult decipi decipiatur;" i. e., "If hunibugged thus the people choose to be, Why, let'era, since it brings the cllink to me There's none so blind as those who will not see." "Oh, Dio mio!." said a recent pope, after giving the apostolicaI blessing to fifty or sixty thousand persons froml the balcony of St. Peter's churchl-l on Easter Sunday, the troops ga.ping to receive it, and the imultitude all on their ma1rrowbonres, the canrnons roaring' and bells jingling, " Oh, Dio mio I quanto e facile di coglionare le genrte!" The mob who stand gapirng at the cup and ball juggler, are as much delighted as AMr. Lickpenny, who pockets their contributions; as Hudibras observes"Doubtless thle pleasure is as great Irl being cheated as to clleat." READING PUBLIC, shouldst thou relish the above preamble, enG avant, there's im-ore sour krout for thee, and BUON PRO VI FACCIA. * Forsyth's Travela 2*" AIJTHOPITIES. "For that:whicli befallethi the sons of men befalleth beasts, even one thing befalleth thein, as the one dietIh so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath, so that a man bath no pre-elinence above a beaist; all go iunto one place; all are of the dust, and all turln to dust aguinL."leeles. iui. "F'or tie de'td know nlot anything, neither have they any more a rewad."- - )id. ix. "Nevertheless, man being in honor, abideth not; lie is like the beasts that perish."'-Psalm xlix. "So lhe that goetli down to the grave shall come up no more. He shall return no more to his house."-Job ix.'So -man lieth down and riseth not till the heavens be no more, they sihall not awakle, nor be iaised out of theil sleep."-Job xiv. "Hle shall perish for ever like his own dung."-Ibid xx. " We are all as an unclean thing."*-Isaiah lxiv. " What is mian that le should be clean i how much more abonainable and filthy is man?"-Job xv. "For the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth."Gen. viii. "The heart of man is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked."-Jesus. " Why died I not firom the womb I why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly F or now should I have lain still and been quiet; I should have slept; then had I been at rest."-Job iii. "Understanld, ye brutish among the people; and ye fools, when will ye be wise?" — Pslm xeciv.t "Every main is brutish by his owzn Illowledge."-Jeremiah li. * What that is may be found out in Deuteronomy xxiii. t Never while they read bibles. THE AHO.0C "De tons les animaux qui s'elevent cldans l'air, Qui marchelt sur In terre, ou nagent dans Ia mer, De Paris au Pdrou, du Japon jusqu' 9 Rome, Le plus sot animal, a mon avis, c'est 1' homme."-_Boilemt. Couild I but choose what dfe.sh and blood I'd wear, I'd be a dlog, a mnonlkey, ol a be.ar; Or anything but that vain anina]l, Whlo is so proud of being rationl:l." —Lord Rochester. So sung Boileau, when Louis, styled the Great, Kept up his court of profligates in state: So Wilmot sung in Charles's vicious reign;C And is there now less reason to complalin? The race is much improved we're told-'tis true; It is improved-in vice, and folly too:t From bad to worse, whatever is pretended, As ale that's sour in sultry weather's mended. The present " all-accomplished" YAHoo breed, May boast their " spread of intellect," indeed: The " best of education" now's the word From tripe and dog's-meat venders, to my lord' But does this lacker change the YAHOO'S nature?$ "I-is couIrt, the dissolute and hateful school Of wantonness, where vice was taught by rule."'-Cooper. " Such now aire held as nothing. —We begin Wherle our sires ended, and impirove in sin; Rack our invention, and leave nothling new In vice and folly for our sons to do." /Chrchill.. "The boastedl knowvledge of England," says a certain npostat "has not sutlin deep; it is like tlie golden surfiece of a Icclcered wvate which covers, and but barely covers, the base metal. The great ma 20 THE YAHOO: Is he not still the same vile, silly creature? T'Ihe "4 spread of intellect," so much his boast, Is but leaf-gold spread on a rotten post. Polish'd he may be, varnished high enough, But still'tis ornament on paltry stuff. Can a Sir-rev..... be fragrant made By stirring it about with mnarmalade? " Then just as much you'll mend the breed," says Quin, T'o Jerry Melford, with malicious grin. * But what says Swift?-"' Oh, dear!" Miss Dawdle cries, " hat hfilthy parson's writings I despise; Such poor, low, vulgar stuff, is never read By quality, or such as are well bred."t Your pardonl, Ma'am, a few lines from the Dean, Af'ttu/zm in parfVo, tells you what we mean. Swift tells us then, a cook once tried to make A certain sotmething into a plum-cake; HIe mixed it up with eggs, and plumus and spice. And candied orange-peel, to make it nice; of the people are as ignorant, and as well contented with their ignoranlce, as anly of the most illitcrate nations in Europe; and even anmong thlose whio might be expected to know better, it is astonishinlg how slowly information -makes way to any practical utility."-Letter'sfroas'; "But when I appealed to Quin, and asked him, if he did not think such an unreserved mixture (of the higher classes withl the lower at Bath) would itnprove the whole mass?-' Yes,' said he,'as a plate of rmarlrnalade would iruprove a pan of Sir-rev.... ce.'"-Hlnumphrey Clisekvr. ~ The works of Swift, Smollett, Fielding, Gay, and even Pope, in consequence of the vast "spread of inltellect," are at present considered as low and vulgar, and unfit for the perusal of persons genteelly brought up, as it is termed, who by everlasting poring over tile novelties of the day, larded with "dove-like eyes, long silken eye-lashes, graceful attitudes, sylph-like forms, exquisitely fine-formrled limbs, graceful bendings over and sweeping thle strings of the hrarp," &e., &c., have becoime so highlly-purified and double-refined in their feelings, that they are allrost frightened into fits by any expression of ihurtor. Lord Byron is now scouted, it seems, in what is termed genteel society. " Plus les mi enrs sont dlprav6s," says Voltaire, with great trltlth, " plus l es expressions deviennent r MesUares, on croit regagner en langage cce qu'on a perdu en velrtl. La pudeur s'est enfuite des ccemls et s'est r-ehfugide suil les ]vr-es." A SATIRICAL RIHAPSODY. 21 Then sugared it all o'er to make it sweet, But still he found it wasn't fit to eat; At last, " God rot the nasty mess!" lhe, muttered, "It isn't worth a fig when coolked and buttered; To mix good things with bad, wiseacres say, Is only throwing your good things away." Thus, tho' the best of education's given, There still predominates the native leaven. One might define the present polished race, An outside virtuous, with an inside base; Or classed with quadrupeds, a kind of monkeys, Or orang-outangs, crossed with wolves and donkeys;''Whose varied actions analyzed, disclose The hateful nature both of these and those.t The gods, we're told, produced the precious crew To laugh at, when they lknew not what to do; When they were all ennui'd with state affairs, To make theni merry they would peep down stairs: And sure the tomn-fool's actions here on earth, Must cause their godships everlasting mirth. Who would suppose, to hear him boast his shade, Man bore so great resemblance to an ape?t * "Read hlist'ry tllo', in every page You'll see how men with thoughtless rage, Each other rob, destroy, and burn, To serve a priest's or statesman's turn; Tho' acting in a diff'rent name, Yet always Asses, much the saine." —Dodsley. "OuIr race in general," says Horace Walpole, "is pestilently bad and malevolent';" and Lord Byron seems of the same opinion, since he observes, " that mankind ilre every way despicable ill their different absurdlities."/-Letters to Dalleas. } "Of beasts, it is confessed, the ape Comes nearest us in hulman shape: Like man he imitates each fashion, And mlalice is his ruling passion."-Goldsmzith. "C'est une gtrande question parnmi ]es NgLres," says Voltaire, "s'ils sent desceendus des singes, on si lees singes sent venus d'eux. Nos sages ont dit que l'homme est l'image de Dien l Voi1a une plaisante imnag de l'Etre 6ternel! qu'un nez iloir epat6, avec peu ou point d'in teli igenee. " —elttres D)'A! iacbed. 2 2 r A H (A (O The mnonlkey's form is ugly, he'll confess; But what's his own, when unrdisguised by dress? Of elg,'gant baboons he does not talk,* Because they do not on their /incd legs walk;t But give me pug; what puppy, tho' from France, Can vie with him in gambol, or in dance?t If you the monkey with the man compare, You'll own the latter dances like a bear. Pug has beside a comfortable coat, But what's the Yahoo's hide worth? not a groat.O To judge between them fairly, he should strip, And show how much he owes to brother Snip. If he (as to compare lhe should) appeared In buff, and with a hideous shaggy beard;11 With tangled locks, soot-colored, we'll suppose, Thro' which you just could spy his eyes and nose; This epithet (elegant) is now applied to every whiskered puppy whlo struts up anld down Pall-Alall, or in the Park, with a coclkadle in his hat, by the wishy-washy, cat-lap novel-writers of the day, who are, it is true, mostly of the feminine gender, and thllelefore more excusable.'1 "Quelques plhilosophes ont defini l'homme un singe qui rit, d'autil's Un animal ei edule. Cet animal, ajontent-ils, est molnt6 sur deux jailnbes, a les doigts flexible, des maias adroites: il a beaucoup de besoions, en conseqlence beaucoup d'industrie. D'ailleurs aussi vain et aiussi orngueilleux clue cr6idule: il pense qclue le monde est fait pour lui.":: "What mortal can like monkeys dance a jig? What min ifronm bough to boughl like jackoo.springs? Illgenious irogue, who twists his tail and swings."-P~indc/r. Johll Ziska, it is said, desired that after his death a drum might be i-nacde of his slkin, which tle predicted when beat would always tern'it;y his enemies, aiid occasion theri to fly. "Qaue le secces," says Ielvetilns, "justifia toujours;" consequently the Ycehoo's hide is good foL' soiaethinlog. As God the Father is always represented with a majestic beard, and has made man in his own image, it may be fairly presumed Adam was furnished uwith this superb ornament to the thuman phiz. Is it nTot tlien in the spirit of contumacy that thle Yahoo deprives himsel' of it, upon the supposition tthat he looks better without it? At least, this wias the opinion of tlhe old twattlers, called "Fathers of the Church." Tei tullian observes, "Shavinlg the beard is a lie against our own facee, and an impious attempt to improve the woreks of the Crentor." Gibo oz, chllap. xv. A SATIIL TCAL RT-IAPSODY. 23 Uncombed, unwashed, unlicked, as he was first WVhen he was manufactured out of' dust; There's not a creature that has any sense, But what would give poor pug the preference; Instead of viewing him with fond delight, They'd run as from the devil, in a fritght; Yet this conceited, silly, blown-up elf', Affirms Jehovah's made just like himself.*Formed like his Maker! who could then suppose, To hide the workmanship he'd want small-clothes?t M'ade like a God! in great Jehovah's shape! Yes, so he would be, tho' he were an ape. If monkeys e'er made gods, their noble natures Would make them like themselves, with hzlandsolme features; See godlike YmdHoos their devotions pay' In Cloacina's temple, night and day: The rich, the poor, the humble, and the great, Set in fine attitudes, and —grunt in state.t Like other noble aninmals, we find He eats, and sleeps, and propagates his kind: But theri to propagate's so like a beastFor Yahoo's in Jehovah's form, at least:~ "If God has made man in his owvn inmage," says IHelvetius, "the biped has returned the compliment by making God ill his;" or, as Voltaire observes:" C'est, que'lhomme amoureux cde son sot eselavage, Fit datis son preljge Dieu mene en son imacge Nots l'avons fait injuste, emporte, vain, jaloux, Sddneteur, inconstant., barbare comme nous." j' Small-clothes anld i'?expreessibles are the delicate molly-coddlle telms of the dandified, cravat-tying puppies of the present day; to whom thle very solnd of the word bleeches would inevitald]y occasion feint.ing fits, and require an application of the smelling-bottle for ltheir recovery. t See an illustrative print, called the "State of the Nation," put,lislled by Bowles & Co., St. Paul's Churell Yard, in wlhiclh half a dozen "lords of the creation." atnd as many ladies, are exhil)ited in grand style, pouriug ount their tributaLry offelingls at the shrlllille of the goddless. g It is very extraordinary that the action of reproduetlion of snch a noble animal as a Yachoo, to which the gtoeat Jehovalh himself contributes, by furnishing it withl a souLr, should be considered as shameful and wicked (from the sinful lusts of the flesel), while the destrnetion of thousands of hlie,ro/l;e race is lighly honorable and even 24 THE YAHOO: And tho' God says, " increase and multiply," About the business they seem rather shy; Their females eagerly at times they seek, And then in some dark corner with them sneak.* Indeed to eat, to drink, to sleep, to propagate, Degrades God's " images" at any rate;t And with their pride and boasting but ill suits, As on a level placing them with brutes. Made like a god! what! do they then suppose Their god has, like themselves, mouth, eyes, and nose? The bloated biped, arrogant and blind, Has sex and'ORaI to Nature's God assigned! (With bushy beard and genitals, no doubt, How could he ever get a son without?) Of gender masculine their god must be, And in large letter's written.HI and HE?n Sitting in clouds ulpon a golden throne, In company with Holy Ghost and Son; While twenty thousand trumpeters sit round him, Whose blasts must now and then confound him: Such heaven, without a mistress or a wife, Must be a stupid, muddling sort of life, Oh, what a DEITY! give me old Jove, With all his jolly company above; glorious!-Bolingbroke observes, that "from an excess of pride man avoids everything that assimilates him to the brute, and consequently gets out of sight for the business of procreation, as well as in some other humiliating actions by which his dignity is lowered, and which places him on thle same level with tlie quadruped."-See Philosophical LJEssays, vol. i., p. 7, and vol. iv., p. 126. * "None shun the day and seek tile shades of night, But those whose actions can not bear the light_."-_C hurchill.'Lorsqu'on voit," says Mlodltaign, "un clancelier avec sa sinlarre, sa l]arge pd'uke, et son air compose, il n'est point de tableau plus l)laisant a se faire, que de se peirilde ce mene chancelier sur la ch'aisepercee, ou consommant 1'mcuNvre (de tmlarriage.". in the present rage of fanatical celnt, these pronouns are always vwritten in ]large and mantlked chalralcters, in tlhe trashy pr'oductions Nit h lwhich we are inundated; but a N. B. should be added, to instru,ct tlhe reader to turn up his eyes to the ceiling, and also to cross hlilmself (as a MIethodist does at the mention of the devil), whenever these representatives of tlie great Jelhovah stare him in the face. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 25 And not this gloonmy being, with his clerk, To watch what Yahotos do when in the dark;* And write down whether they all fast and pray, Or eat a sprat on such and such a day. If to your maker gender must be given, Why rlot a female power reside in heaven? Tho' many vices taint the female breast, They're not so gross as man's-tho- bad's the best,'Tis 1not ill virtue, or superior sense; In Brutal sense consist man's excellence. Is there a difference of sex ini mind? Those who affirm it must be gravel-blirnd. In wit, in genius, and perception true,'There's not a straw to choose between the two. Yet Eve stands foremost in the first-made couple, By mustering courage up to eat the apple;t While M3ister Adnam, like a sneaking cur, Ate afterward, and laid the blame on her; But jabbering Paul bids women all obey, And who to such a jabberer dare say nay?'I'lis saint, says Voltaire, had a mutton fist, l 11d would have womien. thumped as well as kissed Bitt this in iEsop's fables is explained, MWhere Leo to the boasting man complain'd.4 Or if the YAHOO needs must thump his craw, Could not the glorious orb attention draw, Whose splendid beams diffuse both warmth and light, Without which all would be eternal night? * WThat delectable employment for a Deity, to be eternally watching such contemptible grubs in all their silly and wicked actions night and day! And what heaVenly glratification to behold forty or fifty thousand animals, upon two stumps (to say nothing of the horses; they, poor thirngs, ave not blessed with immortal souls), whlo are cutting one another to atonms in hlis holy name, and with his embassadors for bottle-holders! - "He e," says she "you cowar'dly, faint-hearted wretch, take this heavenlly firuit, eat, and be a stupid fool no longer; eat, and become wise; eat, and be ac god; and lnow, to your eternal slhame, that your wvife lhaS becl rllde r n eni'i:ntitld goddolicva. Slnollett sa1ys,'"I am inclilned to think nlo mind was ever wvholly exelnpt, from envy, whlich, perl;ps, mlsly have been ilmplainte(l as ian illstinct essential to our initll'e.'" And Arlbthnot, speallkigo of p arty violence, upon the death of Bracczdy.NClo, says, inr a letter to Swift, "I hIave ain opportunity, calmly and philosophically, to consider that 1t;easire of avileness and baseness that 30 THEE YAHOO: Take pride and envy fromi the belles and fops,'l'Ie(- bauble-vernders soon mtust shut their shops. Like other animn-ls decreed by fate To eat, and drink, atid sleep, and, propagate. PlBut for his r'ation)a/ily, his boast, if ever he possessed it,'tis now lost. RJASON! oel, name it not;'tis profanation:" The rCeCsoortble YAHOO fears damnation; Tile reasonabl/e Christian is baptized; The reasonal)/e Jew is circumcised: (For by the /holy snipcock operationl,''lie Lord will recognise the " chosen niation"Tl Whein the last trumpet sounrds, and all like bears, Are scramibling for their bones to get up stairs:)Q The Christian infant's made a babe of grace, By having water sprirlkled on his fa.ce; (Qumre, would not the holy water tell, if sprinkled on the backside, just as well? The OLD ONE might be skulking thereabout, I always believed to be in the heart of man." —"Notre envie," obse'Ves Rochefoucaunlt, "dure tonjours plns long temps que le bonlieur de eucx qute nots envions.' * "Ce qui est le plus contraire a la droite Raiseoa c'est cela mnme apses qOi o011 Counrt le pluns avidement. Deseandez vous pouIrcqoi8 C'est clue presqtLe tons les hommroes sont Fous."-Er'lame. f "Le prepuce est conp6 en cer6monie a l'age de huit ans [the holy book says eight days] on a porte dans quelqnes-unes de nos villes le saigit pir6puee en procession; on ]e garde encore dans quelques sac'isties, sans que cette facetie ait caus6 le moindre trouble dans les familles."- Qesstionzs.:. "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord thly God: the Lord hath chosen thee to be a special people unto hii-eself, above all people that alre upon the face of the earthl."-Deut. vii. They might have been "thle chlosen people," said Locrd Rochester:"Beit why the devil they were chose, The Lord himself siure only knows;" as 1'romn their beastly conduct, it might have been supposed they were thle devil's leaving-s. f As we see God "in the flesh" (Job xix.) the bones must be wanted of course. This is, however, contrary to the assertion of St. Patil, wIho says, "flesh anid blood can not inherit the kingdoln of God."-1 Col. xv. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 31 And then thfe cross wtould keep the; rascal out;) WVhile somle more learned, solemn, owl-phizzed fools, WTell cramm1ed with rubbish friom the lumber-schools,:1 Baptize the ~zunb1orn, infant with a squirt, Without the child or mother be(ing hurt!t. What reasooable conduct! are all right, Jews, Turks, and Christians too, are all delight For this whene'er they mneet, to scratch and fight. t What reverend harpies! what a brawling crew! in all their deeds the cloven-foot peeps through; Fraught with the musty tenants of a college, These self-dubbed w2tnirlesrs boast their classic knowledge, No woolder they the heathenss do despise, Since they to Christ ian doctrines shut their eyes; No blessed Gospel in their skunls was crammed, For warnt of which (thallk God) they're now all damned: Hld they been blessed, like us, with Gospel-light in The ir noddies, they'd (saint-like) have gone to smiting. Oh, blessed Gospel-like! who'd e'er suppose From such ptre light that saints should come to blows? Yiet such are Evangelicals; who boast Of being crop-cramnmed with the Holy llost!'rhe jargon of the frothy spouter Paul, Bothers the pericraniums of them all. " Cast off the old man," AlawVworm cries; "'tis plain, Y'ou mulst be damned unless you're born cag'ai." Some howl for grace, sone for predestination, Some for election, some for reprobation.~ Aloud you'll hear a praise-God Barebones bawl, ~' "Filling firantic crowds of learned fools IThose reverendl bedlanms, colleges, and sellools." —Zord eochester. T " The dloctors of tlie Sorbonne have d(ecreed, that though no part of thle clhi]l's ltodvy slhotl:ld appeal, it mnay be raptized bv i njectionl: par Ie noevenl d(ile petite (oanull'e, sans fairte tort a na laie."-]21 Shancd/. ~ "Psar pieti ils se traitent mutuellent de blasphemateurs et d'impies."- Volsey. ~ The renader hlho inay wish for almusemnent as wTell as information from the holy gibberishi, is referred to Clarke's excellent Critical 12?evieo. 32 THE YAHOO: 6' Ye're muttons lost, un-less ye have a call! And so are they who of their good Nworks brag, Self-righteousness is but a filthy rao. Sweet Jesus only sinners must confide in, Alld guard'against' short-comings,' andti backsliding.' Without faith in the Lamb to hell you'll go; But Lamb's blood washes you as white as snow:' All full of Jesus, each light-headed sect Boasts loudly of their " spread of intellect." From gospel-light, or rather gospel-dung,* What crops of muddled nincompoops have sprung! Hernllutters, Jumpers, Ranters, Harmonites, Revivers, Squatters, Calvinists, New Lights, Arminians, Qtuakers, AiMuggletonians, Socinians, Anabaptists, Antinomians, Swedenborgs, Arians, Shil-Southcotites; The major part rank fools, the rest rank bites. Such are the Christian YA00oo, who delight To blindfold reason with their izward light.f Peter and Paul are conned; but, still perplexed, They rummage Luke, and AMark, and Matthew next From text to text the pious buzzards fly, While " the land stinks, so num'rous are the fry." Yet some of these pure saints now seemn to think * Whitefield, in one of his ranting sermons, at Glasgow, in the year 1742, thus expresses himself: " 0 Lord, dung us with Jesus Clhrist, that we bhing forth much firuit for thee."-See IesZis's.ieoir.'S. And in writing to Lady Huntingdon, the same preacher of the blessed gospel says, "I have just now risen from the ground, after praying to the Lord of all lords to water your soul every moment, honoeled maddnm."7-Solut. ey's 1Tzesley. Tom Brown quotes the following p1rayer firom one of the fI othy spouters in 7his time: "Souse us, 0 Lord, in the powdelinng-tub of lthy grace, thatL we many become tlipes fit for thy heavenly table; sweeten us with the sugar-candy of thy mercy, 0 Lord, that we may all be rendered lollvpops and bull's-eyes for the rilghteous in liinlol coeCin!" + "'Tis such a liioht as putrefaction breeds In fly-blown flesh, whereon the maggo'ot feeds; Shines in the ldark, but ushered into clay, The stench remnains tlle lustre dies away." F/n.,o~,o,. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 33 Young girls may too much in the bible squint: And stumbling upon passages obscene,"' Must wonder what such paw-paw words can mean. Does holy church then hatch such precious crops? Or are they cucddled in old blackley's shops? Whence can such crowds of frantic fools proceed? From gospel! yes, tlhey're all of gospel breed. While pious tracts of 1" Christ and Crusts" abound.f Saints are in every hole and corner found We're so be-sanctified, so truly blest, So gospel-gorged, poor Mawworm can not rest; But starts red-hot, a missionary bite, Eager to give poor heathens gospel-hg/i/t: Poor Mawwor-m finds more pigs than teats at homne, So ventures forth'mongst infidels to roam, T'o preach to Ashantees God's holy word, To kick out Scratchl, andlc introduce the Lord;'rho' by his pious efforts it a, ppears He sets them altogether by the ears: For the' the man of God no labor spares, Nick will amongst the wheat still sow his tares. Ye pious missionaries! let us know How many are converted where you go; And whether, while ye in your linrgo prate, Trhe Holy Ghost stands by ye to translate. In your neixt ]ind communicatioons tell us, Whether the Lord of savages is jealous.t * Teaching tlie poor to read so generallly has cut out plenty of employment for thie spiritual sow-gelders, wvio are now as busy as thle devil in a higgh wind inll glb)bing' out the imlalpiit ies fi'om the holy balderdash, lest theii cetlste felnale devotees might now and then be shocked by readiio so oft;el atiout "goitlln in unto her," &a.'l The title of a favolite tlact, oriaiilatin in the answeri of af poor wooian who, wholen askel d bv an evnealeltie lady, if lshe was iiin walnt of anlytltine' replied,'" No, imy deaC i mioAldln tlalk the Lolrd; I never cein be in wantt; of )ainythiig whvilie I Ilave my Cthiist and lliy crust.": "Thou slla:lt Ihave no othler;ods buit le:e for I, the Lordl, aml a jeloei.is Godl, &0e. If tlie grelit Jeelloevt'ns je-lonls inl re'ardl( to tlhe worTslhi) of sucIh a trii)e of filtly, st,i h iiw, huliii o'rlffin stl peoieks, as his favorites appear to have been, it is not; to be wvondered if lie were also and likewisevrespecting the prayers and supilications of the Catabacws, Ottogamies, &c., whein addressed to the Great Spirit in the eavern. A:,4,i'TI'TltE YA1100H A lt whether, when ye treat thenl with rum-grog, T Iley're not for holy gospel more agog; Aril oft come after baptism rather mellow, RLaring out, ~ Goramity, damned good fellow! NMore grog, good massa pardon, more baptize:"~ -Then are't ye struck with horror and surprise'I'o hear thenm, when they're told the Lnmb is God, And that their sins are washed out by his blood, Cry out, Oh, Benamuckee! massa parson, fie! Dat wat you preach be one big God-dam lie; For if young litel Goramity Lamb, Den great old Goramity be de Ram." Oh, reverend leeches! ere the world ye roanm, Why not convert the infid(lels at hone? Is all your credit with Jehovah lost? Have you no Shiloh, nor a Cock-lane ghost? Why not let off a miracle or two? A subject fiom the churchyard raised would do; Or send a man to walk, as it is said Saint Denis did in France, without his head; Solmething to terrify and mnake us stare, And tumble on our marrow-bones to prayer; Somethinig to put the rabble in a quaking:'IThe Lord, no doubt, would bless the undertaking; Since ye all fa g and labor for his church, He can't in conscience leave you in the lurch. Try what your praying to the Lamb can do, And bring a ghost or bugaboo to view: As ye're all blessed with faith, ye can not doubt But what the Lord at last will help ye out; Nor turn his back upon such holy men, Who feast tiupon his carcass now and then. AWitch-hunting Jamie, a true Lord's anointed, * IHorace Walpole (speaking of China) says, "This China is indeed a bad dose: hundreds of millions are there seen wlho have-never heard of Christ of' Judea. "Even the ScTevato'r 3fincdi died to no purposel only to save tlhe hundredth part of a fraction! What an insult to the faithi We oughlt to have a crusade against those Chinese, and baptize them in their blood, by all means —the shocking infidels!"- WTilpolicasn. AA 1' I1,tiCAIE I' R5APSOJD 35 As ever by the ])evil wras appointei1d,:' Was by thie Gospel-preaching vam,llpires told The " word of God," was better than pure gold; Tlhat lucre, anld the riches of the earth, Were dross, compared with such tranlscendent worth.f ('They should have said, this " pearl abovoe all price" Enabl0ed saiilts to live in sloth and vice.)t But tho' it piroves such to these reverend leeehes, W\ho clhouse the rabble with their pulpit-speeches; And who, by virtue of. the " holy word," Cram their fat paunches, and cry, " Fear the Lord;" Is it not to the laity a curse? Could Belzebub have ever sent a worse? Has it not set, wherever it was known, Wife against husband, father against son? To love your \wife or child's a grand mistakeYou're taught to hate each other for Christ's sake.~ T''ake no thought for to-day; and when you die, The dead may bury you, or there you lie.11 6' Compel them to come in," the parsons bawl, Or excommunicate thlem one anld all. Wo be to those whom they dare trample on, For where they have the power they spare none. Lift but a finger at the sacred sty, "The church-the church's in danger!" they all cry "Wherever fil/ty lterse much abounds, A: "If such liings were by God appointed, The Devil mliglt be the Lord's anointed."-Lord Rochesteoeo f See the canting, fawninug, fulsome, toad-eating, lic k-spittle, and true priestly dedication of thle translators of the blessed book to the British Solomon.:Q. " Qi legit historiam ecclesiasticam, quid legit," says Grotius, " nisi vitia episcoporum 8" "I am come to send dfie on the earth." (Very like a benevolent Deity!) "iSuppose e that I come to give peace? I tell ye nay; but itrther division: the fatler shall be divided agninst the son, and the son againlst the father' thle motller nir ainst the daughlter, aind the danuxhter ngaillst the m-nothler."-Lulke xii. j "And lie said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury the dead, but go thou and preachl"-L lke ix, 36 TIHE YAtHOO The pack are on the scent like staunch fox-hounds; Wealth to obtain, their Machiavelian plan Is to promote dissension where they can. Do different sects in friendship e'er unite? No; Christ's disciples all iilke tiogers fight. The LAXIMKIN said he came to bring a sword,~And, Lamb like Christians use it for their Lord. Oh! had the YA'Hoo eyes, he'd plainly see What bitter firuit grows on the Gospel tree; What pestilential crabs have ever grown, And ever will, where'er this tree is known. Look round the Globe-for near tNwo thousand years, The CRnoSS has delug-ed it with blood [ilnd tears;t Nor will the YAHOO happier days e'er fiind, While he with Gospel-light continues blind: His intellect may mozarch, as he supposes, But in the mud'ttwill stickl with Christ and Moses. Of real intellect there'll be no spread, Till such stuff's driven fiom his bother'cd head. With fe w-faw-fium and mummery beguiled, The YAIOO's brains are addled when a child; And when adult, he learns from godly books, The Lord's best pleased when he has dismal looks. The Christian's blessed has cursed the earth,T And brought them strife and war, instead of mirth. The tidings far from malking them all glad,~ Gives them the doldrums, and drives thousands mad. Doesn't Augustine (the greatest saint who brought * "Tllinl not that I am come to bring peace on earth; I aml come not to send peace, but a sword."-Mlatt. x. f " The scene of Christianity ihas always been a scene of dissension, of hatred, of persecution, and of bloodd.-o;lioiz /brole e. And what says Erasmus: "Sanguin fulndlata est ecclesini, sanguin crevit, sanguin suceerevit, sanguin erit." t "Among other precious relics," saSrs MI1. Walpole, "whicll we were treated witih the sight of at this convent, we were shown a, piece of the blessed fig-tree which our guide said had been cursed by Christ." ItI dpole's Correspondclze. b "0 thou that brinest, good tidinos to Zion!" A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 37 The precious twaddle here which we're all taught,) WVith Jerome, Cyprian, and Tertullian too, Pronounce us damn'd if pleasure we pursue?* Did not the pious Origen, to save hiln From Nick's claws, cut off what Jehovah gave him? Alld thus escaping fiom the OLD ONE'S gripe, Sing hallelujahs with soprano pipe For had he been by woman led astray, Ie-I must to /l.ingdonl-conie have lost his way; Sinlce Jerome tells Is! that thieir very touch Is worse than mad dog's bite, their venom's such!t Doesn't the LAMB himself, such joys despising, Hold forth in favor of this eunlc/hizinzg?t Hence parsons, tho' so given to caterwauling,'Gainest "sinful lust o' the flesh" are always bawling. A cheerful look denotes a want of grace; John Bunyan wears no smile upon his face; John bids us groan and pray, and sob and howl; For should you not, Nick nabs your sinful soul. Unhappy Cowper! tho' with genius blest, By this true Christian nightmare was opprest: His mind infected with the curse, he cries, " The cross, the cross alone can make us wise!"{ Has not this cross, this emblem of salvation, Rendered this life a temporal damnation Is not a crucifix a horrid sight? Yet Christian YAHOOS view it with delight! A naked Inan upon a gibbet nail'd, -* See " Gibbon's Decline and Fall," chap. xv. { See note on dancing, in the conclusion. "And there be eunuclhs which have made themselves eunucllhs for the lingdom of heaven's sake."-Matt. xix. ~ Yes, if lunacy is wisdom. This horrid emblem of Christianity has trainformedl the poor Yahoos into blood-drinking tigers. Will it be credited, that representations of the detestable crucifixion used to tatke place on Good Friday in some of the convents in Paris, when imnfatuat.ed women (perhlaps prepared by opium) were ncttually nailel by1r their h.ands and feet to a cross! in whicll horrid state tthey wvee kelp;t several hours? One poor creature expired in agony, after drawingi out thle nails fromt her hands and feet. —See 2arhoi GriBoi2,.s Ci'(.respo? )r(7 cAe. 4J 3'FiETHE YAHO-' By squeamish girls is e'en with rapture hail'd They call it Lam,lb, Street Jesuls, and Deae, Savior And out-raunt Bedlamites by their behavior. See surly Johnson fnrightened by a dream, Come roaring like the monster Polypheme; He heard his mothel in thle night call " Sen2,"" Anid heard himself say, " Iother, here I am!" A back-bone Christian, glooiny and uncivilPra, yi)no to God, and trembling at the Devil. With supersttion haunted day arid night, He drealnmt of ghosts, and hags, and second-sight: Credits ol silly v women's tales of witches, TWhl o once to o ozzyL he afirmlncd -were bitches.'-j His laon-t.il'd i worcds astound the gaping mob, Who thllllk the Doctor had a world'rous nob. Boo,-'oliun/i triads, li e a mastiff-dog,t Andi ii politeness distanced by a hog; Irascitble and savage in debate, Trbh wart him, perhaps yotu risl'd a broken pate Rouse Ursus-MAIljor, and in growling tones, He threatens a le Crib to break yotur bones.~ Yet tho' to manniers he has no pretence, He is call'd t/e MoRAILrST, par excellenzce! The Doctor knew the gancg,'tis very plain, And he pufft'd those who puff'd up him again.{{'* See " Boswell's Life of Jollnson." J "Naught proved the non-existence of the bitches."-"Bozezy aud t "Lord Pembroke said once to me at Wilton, with happy pleasantryv and some truth, that Dr. Johnson's sayings would not appear so ext;raoorcinary were it not for his bow o V wo? nay."-Bossell's LiYe of ~ The Doctor -was told Foote hadl an intention of caricatilring' his hooggiish manners and pompous fustian on the stage. "If the dog does," (the usual expression of the ereat Clhris;ian moralist,,) says Ice, "I'll hir-eak every bone in his skin."-See Lexiphaazcs. Surly Saim, alins Ihlinocelros, had lnoclked doawn —, a boolseller in the P-ow, who had offended hinm, ancd of which lie frequently boasted. I Tthe Doctor, however, was not always "up to snuff" in this partic-ilar, and till his apostacy neither obtained puddinf nor paisec. ITn the fiest, edition of his lumbering Dictionary, the word Pensioll was A SATIRICAL RHI-IAPSODY, 39 He's now a demi-saint; but few shine brighter, Either as a Gospel-sniveller, or smiter. YAHOO, admire thy hoggish Christian brother;'Tis natural for hogs to like each other. Does not the gloomy " NITight Thoughts" Young declare,'I'That Christianls all should spend their timle in prayer? That laughter's half iinmoral, I anrd tliat son g," And dance, arid mirth, to Beelzebub belong? define(1, "the pay of a state-hireling for treason against his country." See Iea:ipheazes, page 24, note. But as this was not the wany to plocure a sop in the pIn, the great moralist wheeled to the igilht about, roared to a contrary tune, and naturally superstitious, bespattered the chuirch party with adulation, perceiiving the great influence they possessed ill society, and their power to puff up or suppress any one by th1eir reviews or other publications, as they mlight think fit. With this partv y he soo00 succeeded; and as all his writings wnree in favor of chullch aiid state, lie rwas not overlooked by those in power, and soon obtained a pension of ~3800 per annum, and became in a short time the "ygrect Dr.,Johimsoc." And as Dr. Shebbeare was pensioned at tihe same period, it gave rise to a sarcastic joke, that the king kept two bears, a he-bear and a she-bear. The following descriptive lines of the great oorelist, by Churchill, may not be unacceptable to the reader:"Polrroso, insolent and loud, Vain idol of a CeribbMiagf crowd: Whose very name inspires an awe; AVWhose every word is sense and law; Who, cursing flattery, is the tool Of every fawning, flattel ing fool; NCWho proudly seized of Leco'ziesg's throne, Now damns all learning but his own; And makes each sentence curr ent pass, With puppy, coxcorab, scoZoch'bel, CaS. For'tis with him a certain rule, Im The folly's proved when he calls fool: Who, to increase his native strength, Draws words six syllables inl length, With which, assisted by his frown, By way of club, he knoclks us down! IIis comrades' terrors to beguile, Griqzs horribly a'ghastly s&mile Featnres so hlorrid, were it light, Would put the Devil lhimself to flight." See T/he Ghost. - " Laugllter itself is half immoral; Pardon a thought that seems severe."-~iglft Tougyhts. 40 THE YAHOO: T'hat sublunary pleasures tend to evil,* And lead baclksliding sinners to the Devil? Hence Holy-Bible grubbers quail and quake, Scared at the "' wrath to come," and " fiery lake;'9 Hence saints have all such sad Good-Friday faces Peepers turn'd up, long jaws, and queer grimaces: If singilng psalmus with godly spunlk o'erflowing, They sinrg as if they to the DRoP were going. (Whether the Lord loves music there's no saying, But sure he can not love such asses' braying! Such lullabies, tho' meant to compliment him, Anrd to his " praise and glory" must torment him; When their vile snuffling, dismal strains he hears No doubt in haste he buttons up his ears.)t All day by old Scratch haunted, in a fright They go to bed, and dream of hell at night. The " sinfulness of sin" so much prevails,T They think the Devil's always at their tails.~ * " hen pleasure's seized, compute your mi'hty gains' AWV hat is it but rank poison in your veins? " —YoeGy's Satires. - So sings this sanctified, wo-stricken soIn of the Church, wbIho, uldei thle hoeaviest denunciations agaitlst; worldly pleasures, atnd the sin of paarticipatino in them, hunted aftedr "Jilty lucre," and the " mainmon of unrlliol'teousness," with the greediness of a dragon. See a curious letter of the Rev. Doctor's, in the whiring way to Lady Suffolk, (when Mrs. Hownrd,) in The JTdi'rror, No. IS: anld also his toad-eating blarney to Silly Bub,:' Sir Robelrty Walpole, the Duke of Dorset, &c., &e., in his Satires and Dedications. ~ "And yet hoiw niany a voice, and pipe, and chord, Bray to tlhe praise and glory of the Lord! How mrerlciftll is Heaven to bear sucl pother, And not knock one thick skull against the other!" P. Pizaer.: A favorite expression of the 5lawworn tribe. ~ "A look of horror spread all o'er'em, Ae if they saw hell-fire beforae'em; And Satan with a sal)le pack Of long-tai'ed devils at his back, Reedy with pitchlforlks to begin To pusll'ela 11ll by dozens in."-iroaer Bua'lesq'eecl. " IBlul)b Doddington, it is said, complained of his Christian naane to Locrd Chesterfield, rwho advised him to prefix Silly to it. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODYA. 41 Such saints may smile perhaps in " kingdom come," But here on earth they look conifounded glum; And tho' they fear not Satan, they all cry,'lTheir dismal phizzes givre their tongues the lie. You'd think such Laom2b-lilke saints could never fight; But when the heathens meet, they're bound to smite. Cutting their throats who don't believe the TVord, Is " laboring in the vineyard of the lord;" And smiting infidels, and Jews, and Turks, Rank foremost in a Christian's holy works. Does conscience check him? No; he boasts the deed: Infants, if heretics, are doom'd to bleed. (Jehovah's butchers are not over nice; Nits," they exclaim, " in time will grow to lice.")* The saint exults-his parson eggs him on, And tells him all he kill'd to hell are gone. What's conscience, then? A fudge of putty made; To murder for the Laomb no saint's afraid. Conscience is taught to slumber at such times; There's no remorse felt for religious crimes.t The saints beg God will give themn strength and grace, For smniting'" hip and thigh" the heathen race; And should th' ungodly ever come in view, That " over Edom they might cast their shoe,"T: " O blessed Lord!" the Gospel blood-hounds cry, (Their verjuiced 7nonas ail turn'd tow'rds the sky,) "' To smite the inllfidels, oh! grant that we In thine hands humble instruments may be! Permit us in thy namie to cut off all Of Ahab's race that p-s against the wall;~ Like holy Samuel in thy name to smite,ll *N A common e yression awhen children were e 1murldered at Paris, on St. Blartholomew's eve, as well as in the Irish massacle.-See.ir. ltacalecy's HI-istoy?/ of Encyglanc, year 164-1. Ta "Tantuml religio potuit suadere malorunm,"-Lucretius.. "Over Edom will I cast out my slhoe."-Psatll Ix. Tlhe customi of throwiing the shoe, or strikinlg a persoin with it, seems to he continued in tihe East till the present day.-See Ilcladji Beba. 2 Kinlgs ix. 11 "And Salnuel hewed Agag in pieces before the Lord." —l Sam. xv. 33. 4* 42 THI-E YAHIO An:d to tur knees in blood for thee to fight. A Bib)le in their hands, the godly crew Have a 1' carte-blanche" for wrhlit soe'er they do: All t'ill of 01 praise-God-zeal," the, v smite away, Then drop upoin their marrow-bo'nes to pray. Oh1, Fate, pray keep all Mawwvotrn Chriistians firomi me, For rlwhere they come they play up Hell anld Tommy!'Jhou no10n con. biped! boast your holy trashYour 1ible-calipee and calipash; Your Blessed Trinity, vwhere One is Three, And orthodox arnd lunatic agree! IMNix'd Up with humhbuo, fudge, and contradiction, A proverbial expression, signifying stkylarking, rowing', going it, or kickling up a;tumpl)us, or a bobbery; and particularly applicable to assembl ages of squabt)lilg, croclk-brained fanatics, whicl always end in riots antd confusion' *.. (almong many others) a meeting was held at the London Tavern, a short timie since, for religious discussion between tlhe Catholics (whlio, it appeared, had been challenged by their adversaries) and tile Methodists, or Evailgelicals, two squads lholy, pac excell-ence, when Mliss Tisiphlione and her godly bickerings, and lhell and Tommy was played up in style. Swift, speaking of tile wrangling fiddlers, says, "'Strange tllat such difference should be,'Twixt tweedle-duinl and tweedle-dee." MIay we not say also,'Tis strange such hellish wrath should rise'Twixt heavenely saiiits of kinlgdoom come; While one gatng hocsis Iocsis cries, The other bawls for fee fcw fiem. When in the heat of the debate, fisty-cuffs commenced; and, in the words of the so muclh admired Greek poet, ",Some clench'd thleil fists, and then would dart'ea, At others' nobs, secescdclen aeltesm; While some got puaehlles in their stomachs, Others got Iicks which gave'eln bnmaclls." The "nargulnentumn baculinum" xwas then resorted to, land a generous hizibbalboo elsntle. The Mietllodist party, by far the most numlero us, vocileratio', "Down witll'em r Break tlhe nlecks of the ungodly! Slow'em lna slot wxay fiomn Dan to Beerstleba l" leaillog, thalit tlhe Pcpishes, as they were calledl, should be tihrown over tile staircase; whlicl, in th1ei' red hot fits of godly zeal, would -have talken place, but for thle il-terlferencee of tlhe const lbles, wiho had been called in to prevent furlther miisctlief; the chairma 11n of the Evangelicals, Mr. P., roarilng out like a bull all tile time to "compr-e/hed all a.s aildle a disturbance," although it was entirely occasioned by tlleir own1 party. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 43 SurHpassing all th' extravagance of fiction: In comprehensibles amalgamate With all, the rubbish in your cholk'd up pate; WVhatever is impossible believe-'Tis holy logic, anld c'an ne'er deceive.5" Sainit Atharnasius, pitying your condition, Thlis nostrulm found to save you firom perdition, Which must prove efficacious, understood, Especially to noddles full of mud:T'hr]ee Gods are seen by all possessed of grace, As plaiiily as the nose upon your face; The conjuror comes, with'" Presto, fly, begone!" Anrd lo, they're metamorphosed into olke! Baut in the hodge-podge, mixty-maxty lmess, lWhich are th' efficient, we are left to guess; And therefore, when we pray, we ought to know If it should not be to the Lord and Co. But why on three Gods only do 5ryou fix, Since you so oft acknowvrledge five or six? Why elbow out, agaihnst all common sense, So rudely, Nature, Heav'in, and Providence? There's not a dcay but what, with turn'd-up eyes, You these as deities apostrophize. Alnd then so ungallant, so like a bear,'ITo oust thus (fie upon you) jltbrrdane'fere! Across the Chlannel there's your YAHoo brother, Admits the Virgin in the firm as Mother;t While you with gloomy Calvinistic snrout, In college fashion, turn the lady out;T * "Credo," says the lunatic, Terthllian, "qu'ia inpossibile:s"'"It n't-st rien cru si fermentlent que ce qu'on seait le moins, ai &'eiis si nssecrez q.ue ceux qaui nous content des fables."-_zdfon&tigane. f "If the Virigin MnI:y is sot complnised ill tihe Trinity, she is at le'lst wo,rshlitple, d andIi ar1,e idlolized thanl the tlhird Person, alias the G host."-See Sinoll01ft's Travels. Several pslces are h1eld in thle au;ivercsitaes h-y bachelors only, vwho forfeit; tlelm by Inlmrri in a1d thie sLame popisil custom is ol)selrved at Latnbethl, where snr'ilishops' trcan beare7rs (what true Christian liihumility!) arle d isissed if they insarrv. 44 THE YAHOO: And leave wvith all your holy orthodoxy, The blessed Trinity without a doxy. aEsop's poor heathen had a god and beat himln;.ETzli.ihthsz'd Cl-hristians make a God and eat him Christ's flesh and blood is by the faithful taken,t And gulph'd down just like so much beer and bacon. But whetn this holy stuff is in the crop, Does it for ever undigested stop? Or does the sacramental peck and booze, Thro' chitterlings with other matter ooze? By peristaltic motion groping on, All its soul-purifying virtues gone? And then, in this corntaminated state, Be turn'd out rutlely at the postern gate?t Sure, spawl'd from hell's dark pit, some wretched dreamer, First thought of gobblilg up his " dear Redeemer I.9 Oh! heaven-born YAHOO! sure thy Christianity Is folly's " ne plus ultra," or insanity! Who but an idiot, or a bedlamite, Coulld take such diet, and with such delight? Then, like a ftit/lfi/.l sacrament receiver, Thunder datn-Iation on each unbeliever. Egregious dolt! would any but a stark ass, First mcake a God, then pray upon his carcass? The "paragon of aniinals," indeed!~ * Fable of the mIan and his Wooden God..'"The body and blood of Christ, [a dainty dish for a Yalloo!] whicl is ver;ley and indeed taken andcl received by the flitlh.il in the Lord's Supper." Amlong othler lunatic sects of Christians who deli'llted in goobbliaig up their Maker, there was one who used to mix the blood0l of children in their sacramnental wine! Another " bo(ly atld blood" crew lhad a custom of crammning ailing infants avith a saclralent;ll breal, at, the ]riskl of chloking thlelm, avith a view of saving. t:hem fiomrn tlhe Devil!-See Bailey, wvorcd " Catapllyrgians," and "Moral Pllhilosolphlel," vol. i., p. 113. "IMais mon cher ami," ]ui dit l'Empereiur, "t;o as mang6 et; 1)uton Dieu, que deviencdra t'il quan(l tu auras besoin d'tn pot; (le clce1mbrse?"-" Sile," (lit fiere Rigolet, "il devie(ndra cc qu'il Ipoutira:'est son alfaire." -L )iaolo'e etire l'LG9peeue? de l Chizse et Jessite. Sllhlaspere. A SATIRICAL, RHAPSODY. 45 011 the Lord's " flesh and blood" like homgs to feed! Then wipe their muzzles, an(d come ravinf g forth, FTo miurder l-eathens in their Christian wrath: Nor is it infidels alone they smite, The pious Christians one another bite;j Each sect upbraids the rest with superstition,r And boast their wisdonm in this cursed condition Thro' all the scale of arimated nature, There is not such another stupid creature!t Writs now seem wanted wheresoe'er we go, Of' inqunirerldo de lunatico." Yes; superstition is the Yahoo's curse, That stlips the flock to cram the parson's purse. When call'd reli'ieo1, it cajoles the weak,~ Wtho then, firom fear of hell, the parson seek; To Mumbou-jumbo, or grim Juggernaut, Or Berlnamuckee, just as they are tlaughtTo lMoses, or Mohammed, or to Christ; BY superstition orie and all elnticed: Each bige)ot cries, his head with rubbish cramrl'd, " Mirle's tlrze religiorl-all the rest are damnl'd;" While church, andrl synlagogue, and mosque, all yell, And selnd each other's devotees to lell: "' "For now the War is not between Tlhe brletlellen ald ttle men of sinl Bnl;t Sillit alldt saillt to spill t he blood Of one anotlelr's bIrot;hettlood(." Ilidibrits. "Dans t ons les, ems on voit; ]es mein ibres,de l'Egise de Dieul dlspos6s ti. s'arraeller ]es yeux." —Le Citateer. "Ig'norance and feal produced superstition, and superstition in its turn lmliltaitled ignorance and fear in the minds of men. Thus, siuperstition broached the notion of inspiration; and when the niotion was once established, and thle fact believetl, supposed in spiration served to coInfilrm and aunthorize suleplrstition." Bol clybrlo ke's Plilosoplicatl EssaUys.: "J'ai augmelnt l'ouvrage d'un volume, que les sottises humaines me'ont fourni: c'est une source inepuisab]e."-Le Scage. And Git)bon, in Lis posthumous works, observes, that "manll is the greatest fool of the whllole creationl." Iollbbes saysv,,a(] 1 itjl gre,lal; t;tl;lh, "Reliio i;)ls a superstition is fasilion' anid sluperstition is n reihgioun og of fashionl" d4i THE YAHOO: Encouraged by their pjriests they smite away, Arid mur(ler's soon the order of the day.54 Wherever Superstititio's imps have been, A Golgotha, or place of sklulls is seen; Wherever she has reared her hydra head, There human blood in torrents has been shed; Chains-gibbets, racks, anid vwheels, her steps attend, And hell-born " Acts of Faithl' her throne defend.t Crusades and Paris massacres proclaim Vitlh Ireland's murders, her infernal fame. Such are Jehovarhi's pious. blessed race, Born'bab.es of ~vrath," but cl;hang ed to " babes of grace:9 Yes, ba"bes of gtrace;" and pretty babes they are Arid well they fattetn upon Gospel fare. Fronm sin orig-i 7lni, tlhe parson's sprinkling Cleanses the inrfanlt YAHoo il a twinkling;'rhe holy water washes off the sin, Illfuses grace, and makles the devil grin. Ah! Blackey! you mlay howl, and grill, and chatter, (God bless the parson and his holy water;)'J'ho' you chors'cd Erve and Adam long ago, We do not care a button for you now. Yet sure'tis stlrange, a rascal like old Scratch, Should for the great J'ehovah be a match!t For Dnow HIS ROYAL THGHN:ESS well may boast,~ " Excit6s par la voix des preltrIes sanguinaiess, Inv oqtieit, le seigrletlr err 6golrgeant ]eults frEres."-T oltai'e. See L'E.sprit, Discoults 2, clSip. 2-4; also Lcr NVoi \Tctrrrelle, 3tne partie. T Auto-da-fe.-See QLae,0t0io7, tom. ii. P. 324.:I Le bon Diei cest reellement trromp6 dans votre systeme, ear s'il.arvnit, pvrevu que son ennemii empoisonnelrait ici bas toutes ses ceoires ii ne les iiunait pias piol'oites; il lie so sel'rit pas pr6lal'e luioTeme ],a holite d'etre conltili ellemenit jou6 et vainceu."-Qte.stionrs. J Whletlhe tllis cock of the allrk, whlo goes about "like a roaring lion," (not tile xvay tby-tlhe-bye to lure gulls, one sirould suppose,) arnd iS ncknvowleduged's PnrNCE of Dlrkiness, is entitled to the appellation of?o yCI or esereze ihighliess, tlhe Herlald'- College nligllt perlanps deteriminle l and also nwheliher tlhe whiole (or s of r:-:- aneld serenes are not hiis desceildarnts. But snllely le oucllot not to be deprived of lris just p:il 1i0ol.er titles, 1ino rlefrsed thle Iolinage anid res)ect of the Yr1uoo A SAT'IRICAL RHAPSODY. 47 That by his cunning Paradise was lost; Since Eve and Adam both from thence were driven, Because he got his.... kicked out of heaven. Oh, Johnny Noakes, Tom Tram, and Jack o'Nory, Assist us to relate this pretty story; Whicn proves the YAHOO has a precious noddle, And that he, precious stuff, can in it coddle. It seems, then, 3Blackey, full of hellish spite As well il such a case, indeed he might, Said to himself, "As sure as my namre's Nick,~ I'11 play Jehova h some damzn'd scurvy trick. A pretty 1rig, by God! I'm kicked down stairs, Because I didr't choose to say my pray'rs, Or sit contented with my naked ru"1mp TpI)on a clotud to blowv a pennay t rueii: A chit-coltl ill lthat way I'vy e oftri got, Sit ting without 1n11 beeies, like;I sot Tantara-raring it iwithll mll Ily miol i, While cherubims squall'di " Holy i7 ay and nightl;t!" Expecting to be paid, instead of 1aiech), I'm bundled out itll lkicks uipon my breech; race of whlom wre 1are l:iissured }l,nles up. t dasecent ('rop; and vwlro, therefore, oug'ht to 1)e.lwanyas e(p in hand to deprlecate his wrath, and inl'ratiate thelllselves ill is fiavor, ithl a view of good usage and a snug birthll idl lis celblrle-cCorll er; for, although lie is now in tlhe suds, who can say blt that lie may get his cliin above water ngain some day (as Ituet observed, wvlien lie bowed to the statue of Jupiter at Rome), anid then lhe mIllgt iecollect and rewiard those sAlio hlad paid their respects to himn in his adversity.' One migllt supjpose, fieom the mtultifarious eognoninatiolsa, as the learnled Doctor vwould stile therm, that this scoundrel lhad kept colnpa)nyw itll our Newg'at.e hl'irdls; alias Tom, alias Jack, &e., &c.-Seratelh, Niek, Beelzebub, Satan, Lecifer, &e.-See I-clisbras, vol. ii., p. 201, L)e Foe's H1-listo'?ry of the Dceail, p. 39, saliere he has no less tihan twventyone names and titles. - Perhaps wve may be told tlhere werse no saints in heaven at tlhat tilhe: perhalps riot; but as the /recat Miilton inas introduced themr (see P(itreadcise Lost) sre may be al!owved the sanie liberty of imaanufaceturis]g non sensiecal anachronllism s. i: "Cherubiim sad zeotl S!Iim continually cry, Holy," &e. 48 T'HE P AHOO: Aind after nine days arsy-versy"5 roll,i Aml pok'd in this damni'd black C(alcutla-hole: It stinks of brimstone, too-God blast it! Well, No matter-here I shall be king of hell.t InI hell I'll reign, then-now I know the worst: But if I'm not revenged, may I be curst. I'll wvstch Jehovah's motions day and night And find soimre way to give him kick for bite If second best I've come off at the scratch, Some hell-fire row I'll yet contrive to hatch, Shall make his worship squint nine ways at once, Or sit me down a damn'd thick-headed dunce.~ This said, he " grinned a ghlastly smile," arid watch'd An opportunity, which soon he catch'd: * "Arsy-versy-heels over hlead, topsy-turvy, preposterously."BS'aciley. "ine days they fell."-Paraadise Lost. So says the saublime Milton. But, surely this is puny fustian! It should havebeen nine years,at least, to denote the vast distanee of hell from heaven; thoughl, fiom the gossip of Dives and Lazarus, wve mighlt suppose they iwere near neigl'bors, on thle opposite side of the street; but, tlhen, would not the lleavenlv choristers be,annoyed witll thlle smell of sulphur, now and thlen, fia'm thle dlen of tile snakle, when the wind set that way, while thely wlere chanlting hallelujahl?a B: "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."-Paraclise Lost. ~ Although his cloven-footed highness hlere expresses himiself like a blalckigard (wlhich should be overlooked, if we consider hIis irritated st ate), yet w*e find that lie could swaooger lilte a prince, andl chatter like a prime onse at other tirmes (perhlaps, "as Slinndy observes it was when lie shloolk off his brirnstone tiiiiic ald put; on si clesin shirt), when lie was with hIis cronlies (his staff-oficers we nay suppose)"To mIe shall be the glory sole among Th' infernal p)onwelrs in one day to have marr'd What He (Almnighty styled) six nights and days Continued mlakingf; antld who knows how long I-lad been contrivingg!-Paradise Lost. Contriving! andl after all to be outwitted by the Old One! A pretty contrivance, truly! Only thinikl, as Cob)ett says, of the great Jehovah being humtbugged and llasuhed at, by such an arrantt blackguard; aned all, ori most of the YTahioos tumbled into the dark hole, because he neglected to put on his spectacles and loolk sharp after th.e snake in the garillen, oir I1d overslept lisunself iti lis siesta, nwhich we rolay preslume Ise did someti-lies, by his fV()l'its ore J)o)/'S callilng so lustily to hilm,"Awssike, 0 Lord-! why sl eepest thllol't A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 49 For great Jehovah, it appears, thought fit To make a world from scraps-and this is it; This hodge-podge, hurly-burly patched-up planet, With nothing worth a bunch of dog's rmeat in it, Excepting, for one highly-favored class (For step-dame Nature sends the rest to grass); MAixed up with odds and ends, where dry and wet, And cold arid heat, and light and dark, all meet; Tho' at the first it looked so spruce and nice, rTwas by the angels nicknanm'd PARADISE. And -here, as in the ohly bookt we read, A YAHOO cock and hen were put to breed, In hopes their offspring all would say their prayers, Arid thlus the empty benches fill up stairs, (For Scratch had, when kick'd out in this fierce squabble, Drawn after him a hell-fir'd garig of rabble.) Then, to the naked, loving, Yahoo couple, Jehovah said, " Mindl,never touch. an apple; Cram if youn like, from nmorn till night, your guts With hips anId haws, arid blackberries and nuts; Blut should you meddle with my Nonpareil, By all that's good, I'll send you both to hell. So minird your hits." For tho' in " kingdom come"'Ile all thirlgs knew, anid dealt irn FEE -IAw-r! Anrid in all common rigs was sharp enough, In this blaeck joke he wasn't " up to snuff."' Will all his gumptioni he ne'er smelt a rat, Or dreamt what Mister Nickibus was at; He never guess'd what schemnes the dog was brewing, To bring his pretty Paradise to ruin; But fagg'd, day after day, like any'lurik When up popp'd Sooty Dun and spoil'd his work. No soorner did /Ie hear of Paradise, Than off his rump he jump'd tip in a trice; Scrubb'd his blaclk phiz and brilnstone carcass well, Lest he should be discovered by the smell: Then greased his boots, and over gates and stiles, Ere you could-sneeze, he'd stride you twenty miles; "Gumption, or ruimgunmption, compllelensioi, eaptacit.y."- Cribb's JfrE~morih, - 50 THE YAHOO So eager was the dog to find out Adam; Or, what was to his purpose more, his madam: Drest "' a-la-mode de puppy" for this trig, AVith baboon whispers, like a Bond street prig; And was (compared with Eve's clodhopping honey) A pretty, smtirking, hell-fired Macaroni. Now, seeing Eve in buff' (for in those days There was no laws against such cxposes),t It made his liqu'rish chops so run with water, He couldn't rest a jot till lie got at her; His jawing-taclle then he ply'd so well, She quickly nibbled at his Nonpareil. And now a pretty imess we should be all in, Did not the parson kindly help us out, Owing to their confounded caterwauling;t: But holy water makes the Devil scout. WA7hy didn't Adaim crop the rascal's ears? Or rather, why not snip off his bull's - Then of old Scratclh we should have had no fears, Nor in his oven e'er been shov'd to frizzle? H Itis ma1dam! Yes, undoubl dly she was; and a precious, poo0, soft piece of putty-like st,uff the good woman seems to have been! She is first cajoled by the Old One, alias the Snake; and then goes a caterw~Aauling with Mister Adam, without the parson's abracadabra:' consequently we are all sons of a w —. See -De Foe's History of the -Devil, p. 58. "When Beelzebub first tIo make mischief began, IHe tile woman at;tack'd, and slle gull'd tihe poor man; This MIoses asserts, and fiorn hence would infer, That woman rules man, and the Devil rules her." t Query-Is not the law against exposing the personz an indirect insult against tile great Jehovah, seeing lie hlas made tihe person in his ozzn ismaige (without breeches undoubtedly)? What! ashamed of the so much boasted workmansllip? W: "Whosoever lools back to Adam, and considers all the calamitfous consequences that attended his error, will no lonoer imilgine the fatal friuit to hlave beenl ll al.pple, but the sense to be figurative.'Tis plain that eatiq?[/ was not, the cliruie, fope wAve find nleither the poectme nor T0noulth of Eve punrished; but wheln we Ilear's se shall bri?.y forth Zwithl paet?''tis easy to discover the offent]ding llpart,." —Svift'sa iscorose. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 1 Had not Eve inunch'd the pci7l)' like a jade, No holy sprinkling we had ever needed; But all have cried with Kecksy,t " Who's afraid??" InI short, the parson had been superseded. Then, since these Slugs all profit so by evil, Why try of vice the torrent so to stem? Why should they be so spiteful to the Devil? AVere Blackey diddled, what becomes of them?.t So miuch for Paradise, so wisely lost! So much for Nickev, and his dingy troop For nillions, with this rebel, down were toss'd, And now in hell are sipping brimstone soup. Who, that had common sense,~ could e'er believe This silly trash of Beelzebub aind EveOf trees of life, anid Adam, and his apple? None with the intellects of Sancho's Dapple. Yet this fine story, drest in pompous phrase, Forms the first book in these enzlightelced days!1I * Foote's Orators. f Iliisll W\Tidov.. "A11' ye talk' awa' the Dei]," says the Scot;ch pi-overb, "ye Imay bidl ule bly to t;hle ilaud." It would be a clrelldful loss indleed to t;he black-slag tlribe if Old Nick was to " kick te buclket," or be lost ill a foig. Tbere woulld tlhea be waili,)g (but no> ygcn'22i./.ils./i of t, eeth;) with a vetigealice, antd they might have recourse to "sackcloth cald ashes" wili 1lrop,'iety. "Notllinig," says Lord Chesterfield, "is so uncomimon as common sense." Some autlorl remlniiks the slowness of its girowtlt, and says the aloe is a fool to it in comparlison. Cobl)bett, speaking of this vwork, says, "The whole poem is such rbLbarous t ash, so outl ageotusly offensive to reason arid conlllion selse, tthat one is natiurally led to wonder how it can lhave been tolerate(l. But it's the fashion to turn up the eyes wrhen Pariadise Lost is mentiorred; and if you fail so to do, you want taste-you warlt judgment., even if you (lo not admire this absurd anld ridiculous stuff."Regi'ster, vol. xxxiv. p. 435. These remarks will no doubt be ascribed to Cou}tett's vulgar ity land defective education; but tile sane objection camn not be n ade to Lord Cltesterlfield, who has considered Paradise Lost in nriearly the samle ligtl,. "I confess," says hIis lordlslip, "that I can riot possibly read Milton tlhrough. Not havrilg- tIle honor to be acqurainted with any of the parties in-his poem, except the rrman 52 THE YAHOO: This childish tale aflords suprenme delightWAIhen nonsense is the bait, the gudgeonrs bite, Cram ghosts and bugaboos in every tale,'Fo please "creation's lords" you'll never fail;5 Or give them precious holy gospel stutl; Their maws wih thlat carl ne'er be cramm'd enough7 NTaught in that blecsed book e'er comes amiss 1Tho' old Rabshiakiah tilks of' " drinking p-ss," Arid " eatinu their own dung,''tis all divineGood Christical Yahoos would go there to dine.t'Tis only typical- dung meansri hot pies, And p ss melris claret, seen with proper eyes. and the wvoman, the clulraecters and speeches of a dozen or two of angels, and of as many devils, are as liuch aIbove lily reach as aly enteltaainmrent. IKeep) this seelet,; for if it should bie known, I should be ablusecl by everl t.asteless peidant and every solid divine in Englatid." -Letter 259. Volttaije's (1condzicle, chapl. 25.'* "Ces sujets plaisent naturellement auy hlonmmes: ils aiment ci qui leul lparlait terrible: il sont coinnie les enfanls, qui ecoutent avidetment ces coates de Sorciei es et de Levenaits qui les efflayenlt. I1 y a des fables pour tout 1,e, et il n'y a point de nation qui n'ait en les siennes. -Essca'.l aSte 1c Poesie JIlpncjqe. ~ -' "Andl ai)saai al ricd, HIatll thy ulrster sent lme to thy masterl, and to thee, to sleal thlese waolrds. lIathl lie not sent roe to thle mer tllat sit ul-)lo tlle wall, tllt they Inay eat their owvn dung and drink thleir own piss with you?" Isaiall, xxxvi. t Arnd wiHly shouldn't they? Chaeun a son goftL. Tile swilnish munltitude lick their gills Lat sucilh holy griub, wve are informed, ill the eastern tworld, ariud no good reason c:in be anssignedl iwhiy they should riot its the western,, if they are so-disposed. Wliy shouild not tile contents of the close stools of the most reverend and rigllt reverend daddlies ill the Loril be as sweet, relishling, and sarative, as those of the Grand Lamnl, and hiis loly c cvew of liclkspittles? lFor hce could not be supposed prolifie enoulgh to funisll q. s. ftromr his own sacred civet-box to satisfy tlhe ravenous maws of hiis loving slubjects, who purchase it at an extr'avannt price, dried and grl'ted, to regale with; on holidays.and grand festivals, when it, is brought forthl and considered as an exquisite delicacy and " bolie bouche, pou'r faire les yiandes plus piquaites." Oir c(he gusto!' Apellez-vous ceci foiie, b'ren r-aerde, mrati&de fciale? C'est Sa1plil11an d'ibelria?" —flbeleis. See ]ncdepenclenzt 1i'7zig, iii., 133; L']VAS'e, 157; land NVotes to Ilfctliblras, ii., 304; also Volney, 331, anid Qrcestiorrs, viii., 225 ltlpotl tlhis vely imlltor tnt sttlject. A. SATIRICAL R[TAPSODY. 53 Oh, silly biped, Rochester v-~,s rliilt; You shut.your ears to trut. t, SNotr eve's to light; In spite et' ifNature's fiie l y admoirition, You curse yourselves, and plllunoe ilito perdition A.fili'-legg'd beast who would iof ratlher be? From such sophisticated reason lifee:'They follow all the irst irlet of tleil r natures, Arid are, complared xit h mnr, tlhe wiser creatures: T/hey can't be made toe the serable tools Of churlch and state, like us, poor two-lego'od fools." Tile parson's dismal fire arid biimstone tale To' f./oir-lcg,'cd cattle is of rno avarl.i (Arid ino priest e'er was krlown so oreat a sot, As go to wvorkl where nothitbir's to be oot.) They can not have their slutlls mud-cramm'd by priests; No hells or bug'aboos will frighten beasts: No craft can make these four-legg-'d soulless thiings, Fall on their liknees to worship priests anrd kings; The adoration kirngs anrd priests expect Is from proud man, who boasts his intellect. Yes, that's his boast; the slang we daily hear: The mnld now vmche/reso-like a grerladier! Oh, gloriolus, wond'rouis " march of iritellect!" From Yahoo brains what may we not expect? Minld marc/hes nowx; when thro' that it has got,'rwill go the next stage at a gentle trot; Then set off at a gallop, reach the goal, And prove the Yahoo's body is all soul? That ther he'll be, tho' doubted heretofore, Like Homer's vengeful horrnet, 6" soul all o'er."'"Brrutes find out wrhere their talents lie6 A beatr will not attemipt to fly; A folrnder'd lolrse will oft, debleate Before lie tries a five-barr'd gate; A dog, by instinet, tat'es asside, Wletie'er lie sees thle dit;ll too wTide; But Imian we find the o0lly ci'eait;re, WVho, led t)y folly, combatts NattureW7Aho, when she loudly cries forbear, Fixes witIh obstinacy ther." —Solift's Rhapsody. J "So burns the vengeful hlornets soul Fal o'er." —Pope. _,, 54 THE YAHOO: Who'll then deny the biped's capability? Or say he can not reach perfectibility? Who'll theen deny, unless they're gravel-blind, O'er matter the omnipotence of mind? Our great improvement now's our daily boast, And verifies the proverb-little roast! But do these empty boasters ever prate Of " march of intellect" in church and state? In these essentials what is ever done To show us that the " mind is marching on?" Those who contrive to keep the Yahoo blind, Are always prating about'i march of mind." In law or gospel does it stir a peg? Oh, no! it there has got a broken leg. Do not the Jew-book and law jargon show, We're what we were five hundred years ago? The youthful mind with godly catlap fed, Is bored with what the Lord to Moses said; (For Moses and the Iord were very great, And gossipped like old women tete-a-tete;'Fill poor Lord Moses,* falling in disgrace, Was riot allow'd to see Jehovah's face; Though still permitted his back parts to view,t And cock his quizzing-glass up at his Cite). Ttie holy Bible therefore is the book WVhere young and old should for instruction look. T'hen hug thy " SCripture," Yahoo, never doubt it; You'd tumble headlong in the PIT without it: For though it isn't in the Ghost's handwritinig, The parsons all declare'tis his illditing. What inspiration glows in every line! Aby gat Iky! —isn't that divine?'Illen Ilky begat Jacob; Jacob, Joe; And Joe begat --- read Scripture, and you'll know. "'Lord iMoses," forsooth! Yes, he is so dubbed by Joshua (Numbeis xi.): thie lordltioiess and( consequence of our right reverend prigs is therefore not so mnucht to be wondered at. t "And the Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend,'And thou shalt see m-y back pacots, but nly face shall nlot be seen.' "-Exod. xxxiii. -.,See Clarke's Cr'iticalJRieview, 37. A SNTIRICAL RHAPSODY.' 55 (No wonder they were dlubb'd a " chosen nation," Being such dabs at holy propagation), Of wond'rous things beside that " came to pass;" Of kings turn'd oxen, and then turn'd to grass: A.s hoto a fiery cab and horses flew From kingdoin-come to fetch a conj'ring Jew!t Of evangelic tales of cocks and bulls, And snakes and codlings, fit for gotbenmouche gulls; Of Noah's arkl, a pious rigmarole,4 Or, as Timl says,g " A choice tale, fath and sole!"{ Then, for old women, there's a bouncing tale Of Jonah in the belly of the whale!11 With Jawv-bone Samson, humbugg'd by his doxies, Who fasten'd tail to tail three hundred foxes!T. "And Nebuchabnezzar was driven friom men, and did eat grass aa oxen."-Dan. iv. t "And it canme to pass, as they still went on and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted thlenm asunder; and Elisha went up by a whirlwind into heaven."-2 TKilugs ii. 11. t "If the Devil could but exert himself," says De Foe, "as an historian, for our itimpovenient and diversion, what a glorious account he could give us of Noah's voyage round the world in his famrous ark! EIe could resolve all difficulties about the building anid provisiolling of it for thle different creatures; and also inform us whether the animals offered themiselves as volunteers for the voyage, or whether he went a hunting for them," &c.-I:istory of the Devil. ~ Foote's "Knights." l "And Jonah was in the belly of the whale three days and three ni1hits.' "The great fish that swallowed up Jonah, surrendered him again without hurting a hair of his head, or even charging him anything for his three days' lodging."-iVew lifoathly ffayg.;"Then, for a pretty Bible tale, Haven't you one about a whale Tlhat swallow'd Jonah? though the Jew HI-ad such rank flesh, he made him spew." Homzeer Bsorlesqted., IrF "And SamLson said, With the jaw-hone of an ass have I slain a thousand men." This was certainly pretty good smiting, especially for a lord judge. No wonder lie was weary and thirsty, since, at the rate of one a minute (and allowing the Plhilistines to have had papel' skulls, it could not have been well done in less time), it would have required seventeen hours to get through the job, without any time for 56 THE, YAHOO:.Pool Jerr.y's 6 old cast clouts" and " naughty figs;i"' Elisha's bears;t the Devil and the Pigs;, A tallking jackass, next-blind Balaam' s Neddy,~'Who to the prophet's thwacks replied so ready: Then, for quack-dbctors Nwhat a charming' prize, There's clay and spittle salve to cure sore eyes!II Lot's rib of salt, with his two brimlstone jades, rest and refreshment! Bat what a dab at fox-hunting this lord judge, must lhave been to catchI three hundred, and then tie them tail to tail, that they might run the betterl No wonder that such a lord judge was didcled by Daolly. -: "And he said unto Jeremialh, Put these old cast clouts and rotten rags under thine armn- holes," &e.-" One basket had very good figs, and thle other basket had verly nauyhty figs."-Jer. xxxviii. 1. "And there came forth little children, and mocked him, and said, Go up thou bald head And Elisllha cursed thetm in the name of the Lord" (one should have thought it was in the name of the Devil); and thlere camne twvo shie-bears out of the vwood, and tare fosrty and two children of them."-2 Kings ii. A prolper pTunishment for snotty brats, who called the Lord's conjuror bald-pate! But what a erusty cock of a prophet! Didn't he know that of such was the kingdom of heaven? Though perhaps they may learn better manners when they 1re there, otherwise they might have calleds him bald-pate again when they met with him in tile upper gallery, where we may presume he could have found no she-becrs to tcre them. "Then went the devils out of the man, alnd entered into the swine." atre are not informed (which is much to be regretted) at which door front or baclk, these devils trotted into the pigs' apartments, though it is most lilely it was at the posteirn gate, as they were hardly such spooneys as to run the risk of being giillotined by trying for admission at the snouzt (oor; besides, they could so much easier slip oat at, the bac/c ldoor, when they were surfeited with chitterlings and pigs' fiy, and bilk their landlords. g "And Balanm's anger was kilndled, and he smote the ass with a staff; and the Lord opened the month of tIe ass, and shie said unto Balaam, Whelit lhave I done.nto thee that t houl hast smitten ite? and Balaam saild nnto the ass, Because tloon halnst mnloclel ene. And tlhe ass said unto Balaam, Am I not taine ass?" Tha'at a holy and edifying conf:ilbl It is a pity thle Locld does not open hi:e jaws of the lpoor animals at; resent, that they mlight th, elllatl1en th1e i'rtii Chil ristian Yechoo drivers with the "w rath to come" for their infrrnal cr eltyv. "And he spat on the -rounsd anl macle cl]:y of the spittle, anl lie anointed the eves of thie blilad l an wit the cla." -, hll ix. A SATIRICATL RHAPSODY. 57'Who were so terrified at being maids5 They made their old dad g'roggy-how sublime Chilldien sIhould read suell goodly books in time. Oh, )blessedl Scripture! what a heavenly treasure For those who read and can reflect at leisure! VWAhat sqitabblilng tiibes of " tide.s, and ites, and bites!" Uzzites, Hittites, IMoabites, and Gir-go-shites? How edifying! Then, whlat chaste discourses Of ladies who, for sweethearts, talk of horses!t Oh, shame, where is thy blush? Here's godly reading, To teach young girls at boarding-school good brcedling!(From whence sent to their 31ot's, accomnplished quite, They read the'" word of God" on Sunday night;) Zekiel's bonre-sbontce, too! which the dainty Jew'T urn'd up his nose at, sayingo he should sp —;9 AWhy celuldl't this old yliyke have luncli'd in quiet, A:ind Lot's wife loolkedl batce, and shle became a pillar of salt."Gen. xix. Satint ITenaeus (what saints!) says, the wife of Lot remains "'clans le pays lde Sodome, 1io0 pltus en cllilan co'Tuptible, 1imais el statue dle sel pelmlanent, et montrant pat' ses patlies natulelles les effets ordintlires." Te ttllilan (aanother of the gabbling gantg called Folttherts of the Ch/Zon'c/), in his poelm on tllis very delicate and important subtject, says, "Dieitnre t ivens alio sub corploire sexus Mitlifiee solito disp)utlgere satlguinie iienses." Doctor South has observedl, in spealilng of tile Apocalypse, thlat if it did not: find ttle iic te r mad, it always left. litin so; [bit- may not1 the samne be s:(id, witll great t1 llt;, of the whiole bundle of illsp)iled trasht, which fills talfe tile rnadI-hotses of iEuPope! ~ "For sihe doated uiponl tlheir plalamol s, whose flesh. is as the flesh of tsses, anld whose issue is like the issue of lhorses."-Ezek. xxiii.. See thle pompous prosplectus of hIMi'. Gl'lat's establishmenit at Park-hotuse, Crtoylon; in whllch tMris. G. observes (amlong otheot frothy stuff) thllatt "'the ehurlc and sc liptural catechlistms, with tlte records of the Holy Bible, arle (leeply iminpressed onl the tender Inildse of the younvg ladies committed to hIer cltre, by constant study antd awritten exel'cisee." ~ "And tliou shaltt cfa.t it as barlev cakes, anrld hlinot slltt 7bake it with dung that conietlit out of man ill thleir siliht. Theni seid I, Atl, Lotal - Gd beholdl nily soul athl not beei polli ted."Ele zel. iv. We tly olseLrve, thalo., owit no doubt to thle exl;lelte delic/c?/ o- tile t;titslators, tlhe'wod o altce is substituted for eat. The original, or at least the Latin text, is, " placentern autem hordei quam comnecles ipsam stereoribus excreienteti humani, parato in occulis illhorum." b58 THE YAHOO: Said grace, and lick'd his gills, for such choice diet? Then Davy, how superlatively good! Who wished to wash his petticoats in blood! Aiid that the bow-wows running in the street Mlight lick the blood from off his holy feet!* Blest Davy, " after God's own heart," the man! Who put Uriah.in the battle's van, And' got his rib;t but this displeased the Lord, WVho by the parish conjuror sent him word, That on tile /.ho.se-to]p his seraglio Should with his neighbor be a public show, Before all Israel, and before the sun; (Which, no doubt, caused the old-clothes mob much fun). A prophet, next, comes tramping through the streets,[ Bare-buttock'd, telliing all the girls he meets That lie had been with child, and brought forth wind,~ Which sounded like a harp (perhaps behind);1 And that if ladies rigg'd themselves so fine, And put rings irl their snouts, like filthy swine, The Lord would smite them all with scabby nobs, And what's more shocking show their rHIxNGuMsoBs. ~1 ~ "That thy foot, may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same."-Psalm lxviii. I "Thus saithl the Lord, I will talke thy wives before thine eyes, and give tlhemn to thy neighbor, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of the suin; for thou didst it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun! [Pretty stuff for the Lord to jabber aboutl ] So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house, antd Absalom weint in [how delicate] unto his father's concubines, in the sighlt of rll Israel." Only ten ladies! B-ravo, little Aby! No wonder his dadcl fretted after him so, when he was caught by his ragged locks to the tree. In the prophesy, his sei#ghbor was to lie wvith his \wives; it is fulfilled by his son lying with his concubines. Mais c'est g)al-it's all holy in the eyes of the Bible-grubbers. A t —'s as good for a sow as a pancake.-See Clarke's Jleviezo.; "And the Lord said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walkled naked aind barefoot three years, &c., so shall the king of Assyria lead away thie Egyptian prisoners and captives, young and old, sick-ed and barefoot, even with their bilttochks uncovered."-Isaiah xx. ~ "We have been with child, we have been in pain, we have as it were birouglht forth wind."-Isaia.th xxvi. Il "Wherefore imy bowels shall sound like an harp."-Isaiah xvi. "Moreover, the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 59 Such is the Christian Yahoo's holy treasure, Which yields knaves profit, and gives idiots pleasure Since Holy Bible reading is the taste, No wonder all our females are so chaste. Can ribaldry like this be edifying, So full of stniting, slntittiness, and lying? What holy hogwash for a chosen nation! Is such a book the turnpike to salvation? Can such disgusting stuff be deemed " God's word?' Or such humgruflians favorites with the Lord? Such filthy cannibals, who hadn't sense To hide their UNCLEAN THINGS, which gave offence; T'ill Aoses bid themn dig a hole and hide'ern,* Because the Lord, he said, could not abide'em; And didn't wish, while lounging in their tents, To be regaled with such ambrosial scents: gFor where such lolypops were strew'd about, It smelt like tmode'rn Athens there's no doubt. Oh, Moses, Moses! wherefore, Mister Moses, Didst thou not in their tansies rub their noses? Since nasty curs, the connoisseurs all say, If you repeat the dose, are cured that way. Thou shouldst have served such stinkards puppy fashion, For putting Gooamity in a passion. No wonder, worried by such unlick'd bears, The Lord so often like a trooper swears.t haughty, and walk wifth stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go: therefore the Lord will smite with a SCAr the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their SECRET PARTs; and the Lord will take away their rings and their aose-jewels; and instead of a sweet smell there shall be a stink."-t-saiah iii.'"Anld thoen shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon, and it shall be when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover (very cleanly 1) that which cometh from thee."Exodus xxxii. "For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp; therefore shalt thy camp be holy, that lie see no UNCLEAN THING in thee, and turn away frlomi thee."-Deut. xxiii. + St John the Divine difiers in opinion wit;h Alister BMoses; since he s:ly; (icv. xxii.), "He that is filthy let him be filthy still.": "How long will this people provoke mel"-Numb. xiv. "Unto wshom I sware in my wrath," &e. 60 THE YAHOO: Angelic Yahoo! though thy form's divine,* Thy intellect denotes thee but a swine: Cajoled and fleeced by church and state combin'd, Yet proudly plating of thy " march of mind!" If trash like this carl for religion pass, Cudgell'd and. licked thout shouldst be for an ass. But though the Yahoo. with this Bible stuff Is to the gulllet cramrl'd,'tis nlot enough To stifle reason; and to garlble trth, A vaiampire tribe beset him fiomni his youtl; Well knowing if they could but keep Linra blind, They could no longer holy plutnder ind: Hence youth are pestered morning, noon, and eve, With'chart iIn heaven,t gracce, and " I;elieve;"t' Then, lest the head should be from n lumrber freed, "ris bother'd with an Athanasian Creed; Hymns, tracts, and liturgies, comnplete the twaddle, And leave the Yahoo a well fturnished noddlle. But Law contributes, law may claim a,share ~' "In action how like an angel." —Icaslet. t "'C/thart in heaven," is the gabble of children morning and evening'; and snuffled over with their "bleve," or "Szuf'y duzeder," to the great edification of the brats, and delight of their paarents, who would be horrified if this unmeaning stuff was once neglected. The grace is snuffled over, that the Lord may saenctify the proy for their use, alnd themselves to the Lord's sarvice. (What the Devil scevice can thley render the lord? But why is this mumm ery omitted at breakfast anlld tea? Are those refreshmeuts not worth thankiig the Lord for? Alnd why is not grace said, upon certain occasions, at bed-time? Surely, savs Voltaire, "une belle femme vaut bein ui souper!" And to beg of the Lord to "sanctify these crecatoes to our use," would be a very rational anid appropriate petition at such times. $ Few governments wish for enlightened subjects. "Train up a child in the way lie should go;" i. e., brutalize hini in order to render him a bject and subservient,, anc then upbralid him with his brutality. Tie a tin kettle to a dog's tail, and set up the cry of imad-dog, and he will soon get his brains knocled out. Priests, from their supposed sanctity, have unfortunately acquired uelh a's asceldeney ill society, that tlley may be considered as the pril-icipal springs and levers in all governments. " Church and state" is the geineral cry (churcll first, as the most influential); and it has ever been the grand undeviating maxim of the chursch to " train Iup a child in toe way lie should go." A SATIRICAL RHIAPSODY. 61 In making godl.ke ~ahoos what they are." They law and church together are combined, And trot on, cheek by jowl, the rest. to blind. For CHupRCH and STATrrE bawls every learned brotlhers And one grand humbl-ug countenances t'other. For right or wrong, they plead with equal glee, "C'est tout etgal," their object is the Fee. In all the imummlery of gown and wig, See on the benlch an antiquated prig; How like a wond'rous s oracle he prates, Directing Gotham jury's addled pates; Quotes Coke and Hale, and Littleton and Selden,t (All wonders in their day like our great Eldon) Who framed wise laws to check the horrid evil Of being "' instigated by the devil."J: Oh! what -wise ancestors! what legislators. Dame Nature surely meant them lor bull-baiters. Laws upon laws against imagined'crimes; As well adapted to "' enlightened' times! Their grave import each learned blockhead feels, By deodands on horses and cart-wheels.~ * It aappears as if tihe.Lomab, alias the blessed Redeemer, had conceivedl a verv unfavonlable opinion of the latitat tribe (who, it is very pos'ible, wele in his time bnt a shabby set), or he would not have explessed lirself writh suchi bitterness in speaking of them: for examnlple, "And he said, Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye yourselves touch not the burdens with one of your fingers. Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge."-Luke x. 46, 52. 3 In the present so mnctl boasted age of " intellect," we hear these authiorities quoted as prodigies of wisdom and excellence; yet this pyreclt Sir Matthew Hale condemned several poor old women to the gallows for witchlcraft. t The ridiculous fudge fiom our enlightened ancestors, in the preamble to all criminal indictments, and still kept up as an illustlration of the sprecd. "Deodand o (deodandtum) a thing devoted to God for expiation of his wratlhl, or to atone for the violent death of a mian by mlisadventure.`"-Bailey. Jacob's Law Dictionary says, "given or rathier forfeited to God for tlle pacification of his lwrat-h." Is it any wondClel our' venerlal]e ancestors ale so hliglily extol]ed? A poor old woiman beingl deaf, or perhallps drunk, is Lun over by a car't,, whien thie?,o.eel is givenl to the gre'at Jehovah to appease his wrathl! What inas Jprovoked his wrath l1? Oh, divine Yahoo! " In apprehension how lilke t i tl " 6 62 THE YAHOO: Ordeals, magic, laws for hanging witches,:0 Arnd throwing women into ponds and ditches For it was soon discovered by their swimming, Whether they witches were, or mere old women.'hen searching them for private teats, to show Whether they suckled Beelzebub or no!t Wager of battle laws! and some (what sport!) Sent ladies riding on a ram in court!it m Stick-chopping sheriffs provirng tlhemnselves able; And lord mayors counting hobnails on a table!~ * Bv the express command of the holy bugaboo, Exod. xxii. 18, and Lev. xx. 27, wizards and witches are to be put to death; and upon tlis hol/ authority the British Solotmon founded his Demonology, of lwhich the following is an extract:Qcte.stion. "WhIat forme of punyshment thinke ye merites magiciens and witches?" Kig/. " They ougllt to be put to detlhe, according to the law of God." Qa6estion. "But whlat kynde of dethe I pray you?" lA7inzg. "Il is comlmonly by fyre." Qeestion. "But ouglit no sex, age, nor rank to be excused?" FKing..' None at, all." So much for the wisdom and humanity of this precious Lord's anointed; no wonder lie has been held up as a prodigyby the clergy, wh1o hlave always profited by the ignorance and barbarity of the people, and who will sanction and justify firom holy writ, the continuance of such atriocities in tlle remote parts of the country, as far as they are able. This omealpcito/yable, in the conference at Hampton Court, jabbered so nlmuch to the purpose, that Archbishop Wilitgift (wllo, as Lord Boliwgbrol e observes, died soon after, and most probably doaeted then), declared that "verilylthe kIing spake by the spirit of God." It appears from some letters in the Harlein MISS. that Jcnezmie had a thick skull. "Tliey could hardly," says the letter to Sir Wnm. Hollende, " breake it open with a cliisel and a saw, and so full of blains, as they could not, upon tlhe openiing, keep them fiom splitting; a gireat proof of his infirnite judg'ment."-Relics of Lite/ature, 226. See Bishop Jewell's vehemnent admonition to Queen Elizabeth to prosectute ritchles aind sorcerers with severity, from which, and other sinlilar iremonstrancles, by the church gang, witchcraft and enchantment were mrlade felony soon after; and in the year 1612, ninleteen poor wretches were tried at Lancaster for witchcraft, ten of whom were condemned and execu ted. -I It was the usual practice to strip the poor women for this purpose, and also to prick tlhem with pins, or scratch them with brambles, to see if they would blNeed.: See this explained in Bailey's Dictionary, word Fr'ee-beusclh. ~ See an excellent burlesque on the wise laws and customs of our ancestors in Goldsmith's 13th essay. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 63 Such were our great grand-dads! what a breed! From whom our great Imind-marching race proceed. No wonder Yahoos boast their genealogy, Or rave about the humbug of phrenology; By which great (loctors (Splitskull, Fudge, and Co.), From bumlps upon the nob carl plainrly show Whether the boy will be a thief or no. For if nobs on the sconce so guide.the mind, T'he fingers will to pilfering be inclined; Thus destined to the d'rop he can not shun it, The cursed bumps upon his nob have done it. Oh, intellect i how far and wide's thy spread, Fermentiny in each lubber's loggerhead. Not, only is it shown on skulls by bumps, But also in fool's tricks, hops, siips, arnd jumps All hail, gymnastics! (ass tricks) what a sight! Boys walking on their heads, their heels upright! What joy to see his sons, the parent feels, Bending sea-crabs, and turning Cath'rine wheels. Will climbing ladders backward, leaping ditches, And playing such fool's antics bring in riches? A money-getting itch'tis, no doubt, stirs'em; Oh, brilliant trio! Voelker, Gall, and Spurzheim While each one for a prodigy nrow passes, Who'd ever think of " writing them down asses?"* Their sapient followers, one and all, indeed, Might be set down, with truth/ of long-ear'd breed. Hail, glorious age! when science so abounds, That our sea-captains give a dozen pounds To purchase a child's caul, as then they know They can't to Davy Jones's locker go.t * " Oh, that he were but here to write me cdown an ass."-Shackspere.. Another strilking proof of the mclrct! In the most respect.able journals, advertisements.are every dclay inserted announcing children's calds for sale at fr'om ~10 to ~20 eachl; whi(h were purclhased by captains of ships as surie preservatives against drowning'! Bits of scarlet rag's are also bouight; by the same wiseacres, chiefly Greenland captains, of old women, sup posed witches in Norway, for the purpose of pioclring favorable winds in returning home 64 THE YAHOO: And when in Norway, seek for some old hag, Of whom they buy a slip of scarlet rag; Which, being fastened to the vessel's masts, Saves the sea-lubbers fronm all adverse blasts. But there's the stage! does that co-operate, And furnish lumber for the Yahoo's pate? Oh1, yes! the theatre itself is made A liirld of hot-bed for'the humbug trade! WThen ghosts and goblins are personified, The audience, one and all, are horrified The "' ad captandam vulgus" is a ghost, Which touches Yahoo's tender feelings most; For tho' suchi grim hobgoblins yield delight, They at the same time cause a dreadful frighllt, And strike with terror, more than pulpit prosing, Which lulls the congregation oft to dozing; Hence parsons all, of every age and size, Are ever puffing Shakspere to the skies; Convinced his pale-faced ghosts with bloody sconces, Will cause most terror to priest-ridden dunces. Hence Shakspere mania, every dolt can quote, From his puff"'d plays, whole sentences by rote: While those who hear the ranting, at each line, Cry out, "I How charming!" " Oh, that's very fine!" Nor less delighted are the Yahoo rabble, To hear the witches round the kettle gabble,' "lHow odld a single hobgoblin's nonentity, Should cause rnolre fear than a whole host's identity." ~ Could any one suppose an audience, boasting their rationality, could sit to heal, much 1more to take delight in, such disgusting gibberish, hardly fit for a Bartlemy fair mob..Very few writers, excepting Rymer and Cobbett, have ventured to point out the absurdities of the divize bard, which indeed is considered as petty treason; the ]atter, hiowever, speaks out boldly. "After his ghliosts, witches, soritc cerers, fairiies, and monstels; after his bombast., and 1uns, and smut, w\ihat is it; can make a nation adlli'e Shals)pere? What is it, that can make tliem call hion da divine b)lll, nine-tenth;lhs of whose worlks alre made -up of such tlanslh as anr decent; an wouhld bte asliamled to put his name to? The time will unduoubtedly coile, wllhen tihe whole of this stuff awill, by the natural good sense of the nation, be cousig:'ed to everlasting oblivion."-ReyiZSter, vol. 34:, p. 435. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 6; Of mixing toad and blood of bat together WVih grease scrap'd fromn the gallows in hot weather, And putting in, with other filth to stew, "Turk's nose, frog's toes, and liver of a Jew." Then stirring it nine timtes to brew up trouble, Or in their jargon, " make the hell-broth bubble." Is it a wonder hags and ghosts affright, When such bomlbast is spouted every night?l Then while the hags sink down before his eyes, To see Macbeth gape up toward the skies, And give amidst his "' start, and stare, and stagger,"t A flying leap to ctilch the " air-drawn dagger!" But Banquo's ghost's the thing, when pale as death, He up the trap-door pops to scare Macbeth; AWith visage grim, and stiff about the crupper, He squats down with the quality to supper: While they with wonder at each other stare,'Po hear such ranting at an enipty chair: He's raving at the ghost (which they don't see), And cries, "' Don't shake your go:ry locks at me"99 Since superstition rules the YAHOO most, There's nothing for the parson like a ghost;t While he can keep his noodles in a fright, With ghosts and devils, all will go on right. Is it a wonder, then, that such a scribe Should be a fav'rite wNith the humbug tribe? That Shakspere copied Nature is the cry; But Nature may be copied in her sty: See Beauclhamp's excellent Analysis, 192. { "And strut, aind storm, and straddle, starnp and stare."-A line in Cowper's Tc.sk, describi ng players.: Pveisy perlson end eavolis to inculcate a belief in ghosts and witches, as tendilng to perpetuate fear and ignoranee, their graned and only supporters. Cirabbe confesses their uItility, and classes unbelievers with ruffians in the tirue spirit of Cthristian clharity. "Eael villgCe in iin has heard thle ruffiln boast, That he believ'd ili neithler God nor Ghost." —Paoish Register. All which is riveted hv thle blessed Jew boolk, wvlere Samuel's gliost is adverted to as a knaocik you (ndorn!igutn!eil:t, if you deliur. 66 THE YAHOO: As Voltaire once remalrk'd by his derriere, Which, though'twas Nature, he wrapt up with care. Does Nature prompt Othello's blackguard roar —' "Villain, be sure you prove my wife a whore!"t ro mlurder Desdemona, and then tell, ) In language Billingsgate can not excel, "She's like a liar gone to burn in hell!" And can such ribaldry, such vulgar stuff Give pleasure? yes,'tis Shakspere's-that's enough; To find fault wiLh his plays is petty treason; W/e must not bring them to the test of reason:'hey're meant, like other precious stuff, for cramming in The YAHOo's empty pate without examining. Who'd sit to hear such trash as Cyrmbeline, Were it not Shakspere's? theen its very fine How poor Iachimo must sweat and fume, Coop'd in his box, while in the lady's room! * See the excellent remarks upon this Blackamoor's rant in Rymer's "'Short View of Tragedy," and also on the absurdities of Shaklspere's Jodlus CCesa'r. f The following lines are in part extracted fiom the Epilogue to the Clalndestine ilarrlinge. A party, after quitting the card table, begin discoutrsing on the plays of Shakspere:- Sir Polt'k ilk- "King Lare's touching! and how fine to see hone?/. Ould Hamlet's ghost! To be or not to be What are your op'ras to Othello's roarl. Oh, he's an angel of a blackamoor! Lord M ilnaizuo2. What, when he chokes his wife? UJol. Trill. And calls her whore? Sir Pat. KIing Richard calls his horse,-and then Macbeth, TlWho talks of murder till he's out of breathl My blood runs cowld at every syllable; Lor.d llhic. And then he spies a daggerCol. Trill. That's invisible! Sir Pat. Oh, botheration I how could hIe siippose A bloody dagger dangled at his nose? And julmp to catch it! (Col. Trill. Had it been a dagger I-Ie might have cut his thuIn bl} Lord Hllisz. And spoil'd his swagger." [All lausgh. See an excellent burlesque of this Tom-a-Bedlam foolery in the "Rejected Addresses." A SA'rIRICAL RHAPSOD~Y. 67 Suppose, while button'd up for this strhnge frolic, He had been troubled with the windy colic! How the poor lady in her bed must funlk At hearing loud explosions in the trunk! Next Shylock comes, a cannibal old Jew, Who claims a pound of flesh, by bond his due. No words his savage rancor can assuage, He brings his weights and scales upon the stage; Then whets his knife to cut it in the sight Of Christian Yahoos, to their great delight."i Behold King Lear, who raves in his oration, For lmusk to sweeten his imagination.' Why, what has tainted it? the reader cries; Ask ladies, who praise Shakspere to the skies~ See Hamlet's hair (or wig) stand bolt Tupright,: Like quills upon the porcupine, with fright; His daddy's ghost comes all-in armor drest(A queer ghost's jacket it must be confess'd) "Angels," he cries, " and ministers of grace," In horror at the phantom's powder'd face: But when the bugaboo down stairs has got, He ct'acks his jokes with it-his fright's forgot; Antd while the spectre underground cries " Swear!'9 Says, " Ha! old Trueperny, what, art thou there?" * I-How such horrible and disgusting stuff can be delighted in is astonishing! It serves, however, to keep up animosity, and exasperate one class of citizens against another, by which they are all more easily managed and kept in subjection. Divide and conquer is the grand sinze quac?on? of all governments..t "Down ftrom the vwaist they are centaurs, tho' women all hlpove; but to the Vildle do the gods inherit, beneath is all the fiends, There's hell-there's darkntess-tllere is tile sulp:,hurous pit, burning, scatldiizg stench, constmption: fie, fie, fie: pah, )pall: give mI-e an. otnce of civet, good apotfhecary, to s-weeten my imagination!" There's a tneat, genteel s[leeehl folr loyalty to spout. ]' The tragetly performners in Pope's titmie Nwore enormous Caxons; Cibber tells us hlis jaey cost him forty guineas! wilt made the people stare? Cato's great -wig." 68 TfIuE YAHOO: These are rough skletchles of our fav'rite plays, That yield such r.aptures, arid ohttain such praise: From such choice specimens of Shakspere's pages, is it a wonder Shaliksperle-mania rages? Such fustian hodge-podge, lhatch'd from childish tales, Where ghosts arid hags, arnd mummery prevails. Are well adapted for a Yorkshire fair, To make clodhopping bumpkins grin andl stare: But in this boasted intellectslsi age, To bring such trumpery upon the stage; In London, too, the seat of art and science, rTo set all conmmon sense so at defiance! To puff' thl' imlmortal bard" up to the sky,' Shows YAHoos are but babes, tho' six feet high; Anld that'tis raree-shows they most delight ill, With Punch anrd Judy and the Devil fighting. Survey the biped race in ev'ry state, The rich, tlhe poor, the vulgar, arid the great; In what class or coIrdition can we trace, The " little less than anrgel" in the race?t H No manufacturer of bombast, or rattle bladder traslr, Ias ever been so wollderftll y pf:eed up or extolled as Shakspere. But as poor Sancho observes, "Thtere's never a wl]y but there's a wherefore." By tile vampire tribe he is held llp as a prodigy, from the great service he has rendered them by his peirsonifications of ghosts and phanlltonls; arld by the YAIIoos ill general, from hIis tlnvilrg beplastered thlerm so erectly! " Caw me, caw thlee;" but hecar hrii2, as they cry in a certain ienrinel, wnllen any honrorable gentleman is speaking nonsense. " What a piece of wolrk is marn! how noble in reason! [Is not this ironicealr? Rea.esoe, and whitewarshing with IcamZb's blool, dlo not well assimilate.] I-owr ilfinite in faculties; in fornm and nmoving how express aind addlirable; iln action how like a god! tile beauty of tlle wrorld' thle paragon of animals!" Br avo, the divine bard. -Ie does the thintl handsomely, and dabs it on pretty thick, but it all sticks. The Yalioo's vanity hras stonach for it, all. No avonlder, after sruchl a luscious lollypol) tiley shlolld duib himl divine, and so incessantly bellow forth hiis wronideiful kInowleldg e of irnianr natlu re. Blarney fol ever! q It is rirucl to be regretted tllat Polpe hns not explrrilred to us wlhat nielsw were. It, worrlil lrave almused irs to know liow thleyspezrl thteir ti ile ahlren I lley haive done singring annd trunl reti ing; Nrlethler they fly aibout aitlhr tlreir goose wvings strick onl thleir sliollders, whlaLt are tlleir. walllts, aid lloow tliey are grtified; whether thley eat and drinkl, &Ce. and wlIet iher, if thel do, it ill tralnspires in ambrosia.l perspilrationl; or vlietllher thlere's'i. icessity for a "whar wants me?"-See.2Ifrlrtisr rs rSerible'tse, cliap. 7. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 69 But what are angels? lubbers with goose wings! What nonsense a great poet sometimes sings. See the poor sailor dragg'd out lilke a dog, To murder, or be murdered for king log.* On board a floating-hell he's hauled to fight,t Anid neither knows nor cares who's wrorng or right:t He takes his quid and grog, and damns his eyes,'Fill by a chain-shot cut in two he dies. Or see the martial hero glory seek, Urg'd on by fame and eighteen-pence a week:~, "I own," says Chesterfield to his son, "that I have a great regard for king Log." - Bl3ack floating hells was the name given by tihe A:mericans to our men-of —war, during the Revolution),-in which they' so happily succeeded.:t Copenhagen and Navarino, for examnple. ~ u "On tlrou ver des homnrmes qui poulr 5 on 6 sous par jour affrontent dans ]es comlbats, 1a mort, ou les maladies, s'ils avoient le seans coimmun." The pay of the iulssian cut-throats is abolt 2s. 6d. per month. -See rcasnse de la lFolise, p -5. "One to destloy is murdller by the law, And gibbets kleel) the lifted hand in awe; To -murider thonsanlds takes a specious name, AiV.l's glo/ ious art, and gives immlortal fame."'- Yosig. For a true histoiry of tlle Yalloo in all hlis brilliancy and gocdlike heroismin, thle eadper is referred to thle descril:tipn of the battle between the two frigates, in Lieul-enant Smith's "Sailors and Saints," whlere he is is de]inlleated in thle full indulgence of Ihis butcherig p1ropensity, covered with golae and glory. Surely the Yahoo miust smell of blood iil the next Awoild, if lie is not well scolnied Nwith the soap-suds of reg'elneatioon, sln'd pualified by the "'new birtlh unto righteousness." WhStll cIl thle Devil want such bloodhounds foil'" ffais taisez-voussthey're jolly tars. "Thlle cuilling of inaninkil," says Arbuthnoot, "never exerts itself so nuicnl as ili their arls of destroyisng one another."-See Ssisft's BrnobdigCita, chLap.'7, where their ingenuity in this particular is well descri bed.'~Les plus hosissetes gens app'irent A compter parmi leU]s devoirs celui d'6gorger leturs selnlliables; on vit les hommes se massacrer par milliers sans savoir pourquoi."-R oiesseacu. "For soldiers, if they thought airight, Would all as soon hbe damin'(d as fight For kings, Jw!1o, 7lwhlen they've lost a leg, Will halirdly give'eln leave to beg." —11omer B3urlsesgued. 70 -THE YAHOO: With colors flying they all march in order,'I'old by the parsol "' lilling is no murder.' Thousands of strutting,,odlie Yahoo heroes March out to fight, to please two royal Neros; Who wallow in their styes, while these train'd brutes Are sacrificed to settle their disputes; And when one half are lilled, the other boasts How much they're succor'd by the " Lord of Hosts." Orne side'Te-deulms sings, and so does t'other;* The Lotd has help'd king Log, and king Log's brother.f "G God's images" by thousands are at once Kill'd offt to please a " Lord's anointed9" dunce! A dunce anointed! Can legitimates Have, like their stupid subjects, wooden pates? Yes; blocks alilie, they're tutored all by priests;'The only diff'rence is, they're royal beasts:'rheir sliulls are stuffed the same with fee-faw-fum, With hocus-pocus,!! hell, arid kingdonm-comle. But still such monarchs, ti.)e' with wooden nobs, Are suited best to wooden-headed niobs,~''"That like the Briton an d t.he Gaul, Both sides imay sing, and roar, and bawl, ib Deeom, t.ho' for' nought at all; And tell tihe Lord a cur'sed lie, That both harve got the victory."-IIon er Bzurlesquecd. f In all epistolary correspondence between thle Lord's anointed, they always stlhscibe tlhemuselves r'oyal brother's. J "Killed off" was the usual l.eonic unfeeling answer of {1Mr. Windhaln, tdhen secretary-at-wa'r, whien questioned as to tihe great deficiencies in thle returned skeleton reg'iments fromr America. A proof how lheroes are aplpreciated when they can no ]oniger stand to be shot5 at. ~ "alrleurt aux nations qui confient l'Mducation de leur citoyens aux prl. tles," says HIelvetius. "Beaucoup llieux vaudroit, ne leur en donner anltcne." To which rnny be adiled the obselvation of Goldsimlithl-" Tile counl tries where sacerdotal instuoctiorn alone is permitted, reillainii il ignorance, superstition, anid slavery." }1 A corruption of " hoc est corpus menum," a part of the sacrament gatbble: for the coasolation of idiots, alias Christians, who makle no doubtl of beinig hugged inl Abralirnm's bosom if they chew a bit; of the Lotrd's body, by way of quid, to comfort themselves with, as they jog along idoml "this erae world to that; ere." Hs o "Ilow goes the mob l (for that,'s a mighty tiing), Whein thle king's trump the inob are for the linglu." —Drydere. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 71 W\Tho roar and stretch their ell-wide jaws, and sing For any royal dolt, " God save the king!"* It Inatters not, tho' made of rotten stuff; If he's the " Lord's anointed," that's enough.t A jackass,'dizen'd out in robes of state, Let an archbishop but anoint his pate, And dub him sacred, soon would be ador'dThe YAHOO mob would hail him "' sovereign lord:" Most humbly they'd profess themselves to be The vassals of his GRACIOUS majesty;t A lubber only fit the crows to scare, Or carry guts to feed a hungry bear: Clap but a tinsel bauble on his sconce, His imperfections vanish all at once;~ He's God's viceregent, and by right divine Can at his pleasure flog his herd of swine. T'lle Jews, we're by the Lordl's lieutenant told,Ir Worshipp'd a calf, that Aaron mladl., of gold;I': "Well, if the king's a lion, at thlle least, The people are a many-headed beast."-Pope. "'iWhat the Lord sends lls sirely must be good, Although'tis but a piece of rotten wood."i-Pizs&: k If any one of these sacred noodles vouclhsafed to open his royal mouth, whatever hle utters must be grctcious, forsoothl! Yes, most gracious, altlhough it should be a recommlendation to a gang of parlasites to strip the last shlirt from off the backs, and the last penny from the pockelts of his lovilig, swinish subjects, to enable ginrgerbread-gilt trumpeters to wear laced jaclkets at ~70 a pieee! Is there neither shame nor common sense anywhere but in America? ~ "Prendi nuom rozzo e comun, fainne un monarea, Tosto il favor del ciel sopra gli piove; Tosto divien di sapienza un'areca; Nella testa di lui s'alloggia Giove: Decide, ordina, giudica: un oracolo Tutto a nll tratto divien: pare un miracolo."-Casti. II Moses is so designated by HIobbes. "And I said unto them, whosoever hath any gold, let thlem break it off; so thlley gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there camne out thlis calt."-Exod(. xxxii. "And he [Moses] said unto them, Put every lman l is sword by lis side, alnd go tllrough the camp, and slay every man his brother, and everly ani his companion. Aind they did '72 THrE YAOO: For which, as in the holy book'tis written, Three thousand of the snipcock race were smitten, While Aaron'scap'd! Just as in modern times, The great remain unpunish'd for their crimes." But do not Christian Yahoos every day To golden calves their adoration pay?t The gin-drench'd rabble always will adore The titled, iordly crew, who keep them poor:t With equal admiration they all stare At Spain's doll-dresser,~ or a Russian bear; Or hug a filt.hy, stinking Cossackli rot'em, And Lrlun to hell to kiss a noYAL bottom.T so according to the -word of MBoses; and there fell of the people that day about 3,000 men."-Ibid.'" And thIe Lord plagned the people, because they made the calf which Aaron rnade."-Ibid. This is as clear as mud; bunt the ghost in many instances, seemed a thick-skulled one at ilditing. "Smtall rog'ues in lhempen ropes oft swing, While glealt ones gain a red silk string: The trade, is leasn'd in half an Ihour, To spare the rich and flog the poor." —iiomer]e Beslesquel. "Fools that -we lare, like Israel's fools of yore, The calf ourselves have fashion'd we adore: B13ut should true reason once resumie her reign, The godi will dwindle to a calf again." — Cheochill.:: " The dustman in his cart that hourly slaves, Drawn by an ass, the partner of his toils, Is far supelior to such titled knaves, In coaches glitt'ring witl a nation's spoils."-Piidaer.'This truly pit,)yable "Lord's anointed" amused himself, during his claptivity in Fiance, in working muslin petticoats for a wooden doll, called the Virgin Mary! A specimen of royal intellect. I] The savage who came to exhibit himself after Bonaparte's defeat in Russia, when thousands went to-gape at him in Hyde Park, and other public places, as a prodigy. E "E quoi: fu giusto ognor clreduto e detto, Che il suddito al sovran la zampa lecchi Di dipendenza in segno e di rispetto; IMa se In zampa a far leccar ti secchi, F-lrti ir tlte paroit an hllle leocl tu p1oi: Tu.tti ti leelheran colel cei tq u vuoi"-Costo. i~ SATIRICAL RHIAPSODY. 73 Whoe'er would witness folly's highest spoirt, Let him behold a collar-day at court:* Whoe'er would see Tom-fools, may here find plenty; For one they'll see elsewhere, they'll here find twenty. See "' king-at-arms," in all their buckramt state What stars anrd ribands on the childish great!jWhat illustrissimos and excellencies! Hung round with colored strings, to please their fancies! What lacquer'd puppets! what a raree-show!+ Are these the "''riddydolls" to whom we bow? See Lady Squab amiiong the doli-drest group! Is that a YAHOO with that monstrous hoop? The upper half preserves the likeness still, The lower has been thro' the flatting-mill. Use reconciles us to such uncouth shapes, Or we should laugh to see such human apes. What starch-phizz'd poker-back'd, fine dukes and lords Lisping their pret.ty na,lby-pamby words T'his ninconmpoop's dubb'd royal —thi.at serene' But N~what does sulch slop-da.wdle nonsense mean? I-low do these lordships, highrlssesses, and graces, Refrain from laughirng in each other's faces? *A collar-day is a festival -when the knights wear their collars of SS. round their necks as ornamllents.-Baciey. ]. "L'opinion et le plrejig'6 viennent; a bout de faire passer pour une decoration honorable, les signes les plus pu6riles, et les plus ridicules." — Du Jiftrscis.: "You mnust Arenounce courts," says Lord Chesterfield, "if you will not; connive nt knaves and tolelrate fools; their number makes them considerable." "But how, my muse, cannst thou refuse so long, The bright temptation of the courtly throng? The most inmit;ing- tllee:-the court affords Mluch food foi satire; it abounds in lords."- IYoszg. ~ "Ce monde est Lun.grand Ba1, ohi des Fous deguis6s, Sous des risibles notns d'6minence, et d'altesse, Pensent enufle leur etre et hausser leour bassesse."- Voitaiie. "s' EI, tllhou, ()'Sun, behield 11n eplllt.ier sort., Thalln sacl as swvell tlis bladder of a court; Such pain led pupp)et:s, sunell a vyarnisbhed race, Of' hollo v ge wagn-as., oi ly dr'ess.ad fqaced "-onter 74 rTHE YA i-OO Such things that glitter like gilt gingerbread, Should be witl pap,` or else with kava fed.j9'is strange that those who manage court affairs, Should. not provide them clouts and cacking chairs. Yes, this parade forms all the courtier's joys' This royal baby-house of dress'd up toys.jT Lord Fartlebury; Duke of Puddledock; Prince Cacafogo; Countess Dillicock; Lord Nincompoop; Sir George Golumpus Grub; Veldt Marshal Hoggsgoutz; Lady' rullibub; Count Snickasnee; Lord Fudoe; Prince Potowouskin; Baron Bumfodder; Aonsieur Mouschkin Poushkin;~ Lord B3lath'runmskate; Earl Swipes; Count Doodledoo; Madame e Caca-cdt-Daupltlinl Baisemoncul;11''he Rev'rend Noodle Doodle Dunlderhecad The Honorable Simon S. abed; And Co.; for of them there's a numerous pack; But these may serve as samples of the sack. Lo! grandeur gives a feast: Oh, all ye gods, Who peep down now and then fronm your abodes; 0' " folly, wortlhy of the nurse's lap, Give it the breast, or cram its month with pap." —Coiipe'. r K+ava is a liquor in high estimation in the, South Sea Islands, and is almost the exclusive beverage of the linmgs and royal tribes. It is mtnade flrom the root of the pepper-tree; whic'i, after-being chewed by the natives, and the jiuice spit into a large boAwl], is diluted with water." -See Cookc',s To0yages. Rou " Iound let; us bound, for this is Punch's lholiday, Glory to Toim-foolery-huzzl, lihuzza!"-iejected _Acldreseses. It is hardly possible to caricature this childish stuff:, or give an octlre description of such full-groown babyislll. Swift speaks of a tidldidol assemblage, where lie was introduced. The queen (Brandy IVan), he says, stood in the middle of the circle, simpering and biting the edge of her fanl; and looling, like an idiot, by turns at the dlrest-up dolls, who wTere standing all round tlie room llil e so niany images. ~ The name of the Russian ambassador tiiinil;y or forty years ago. The dresses worn by all the ladies of rl 7C and fcS/sfio72, some years ago, in that silik of vice and folly, Paris, were actually of this cleflcate color, at least as near as the dyers could ma tch it-out of respect to the'ro/ya excrerment. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 75 Say, had ye ever up stairs in the sky, A.lught in the guttling way with this to vie?rThv' at your sumptuous banquets with your goddesses, Ye sat so cosy, without breech or boddices;t W jen were ye at your gormandizings able ro sport a liver on your dining-table? Wthere, all amongst the gold and silver dishes, Shoals could be seen of gold and silver fishes! A ld all alive O!-nrot like fish-fag's sprats, Fit only to be given to the cats. m Yes, all alive! though childish it may seem, And bonacJide swimmi-ing in the stream: While noble lords acld ladies, in amaze, Upmn the river and the fishes gaze.;What taste!" cries Lord Fopdoodle; c'est unique!" ~-::' A t Calton I-House, some years Igo. T~ 1iThe eelestials were certatinly very defcient in this respect, as maniy of them Nwere nearly in qgicrpo at their grand assemblies, Where the Ilebes and Ganymedes handed the nectar about. Whien breecIhes came first in use, is not exactly known. Mloses was perltitted to see thle beck par'tS of the grieat I A-'r; but we are not infoirmed wihetlher breeched or not. Adam is said to have worn green breeches; but that is mlealnt mnerely as a witticism. Neither can we suppose Mlister Nola wore iiiexpressibles, as in that case there wvould have beein nothiing' for lis soil to have lauhled at. The "man after God's own heart" was evidently bare a)bout tie dockl, when lie kicked up his heels and capered before the allrk; since his wife ragged him for exposing iis t1cl;le to thle mnaidens, and for which lie said they would honloi ]himr. Tlat t'rophetas were also of the saqts culotte order is notorious; since Isaiahi,.oiie of thle most celeb'aited, tramped about three years writhIl his buttocks bare: not to mention many other instances in the holy Jew book. lHomner speakl s of breechles wahere Dr. MLacslhane at.telds the peoor eekold wh,o is Avounded in the posteriors by ail arrow: since lhe tells us, " TIe arrow's head, and greasy leatlihe Breeches, both camle off together.."-i-liad, blool 4. B3ut whethler the word g'beimuh, iin the original] meanls breeches or not, is disputed; the learned didisciples of tile profound doctors, Parr and Porso-1, differinlg in opinion: somie asserting the tlrue neanring to be f-ting crac!kers; others inisist on a-e-case beiing the genuiiie translation; while,a third class of deep etymologist-s are eqciillyl positive that galligaskins is tihe true signification of the -Greei c aaord. " iWho sliall decide wlheni doctors disagree?" And thus iaiust this imiiportant matter be left. —ITeori)MzIs. * And of the naid-setrvanits whlic tihou hlat spo ken of: of tlhem shatll I be lant in honor. —2 iSam. vi. 76 THE YAHOO: " Par Dieu!" exclaims Lord Froth, " c9est magnifique!" "C'est bien joli!" sputlers out another, Andc one tom-fool still echoes to his brother. The ladies too, while munching up their dinners, Ask if the fish are pricklebacks, or mirnnows? For those who were not near the river's brim, Could not see how the little fishes swim, * And frisk, " and vaggle all their pretty tails:"t Not to please " baby Charles," but booby Wales 9 Oh, granrd celestials! Jupiter and Co., Say, had ye ever such a raree-show? The " Lord's anointed" used, in times of old, To keep a fool to laugh at, as we're told; But now so many fools of lords are made,t Toim isn't wanted-they have spoiled his trade. Provided Nwith so choice a tom-fool train, To keep an extra fool wouldC be in vain; With titled fools'twould be mere waste of mrolley-. Tom-fool at coutrt's like sugar-satice to honey. Yet Toml's the mnost divertiolg; courtly fools Are dress'd up dolls, who speak and move by rules; Drill'd, strultirg thinl's, who scorn all mirth and jokes, Anld never sport a.grin like vulgar folks: Laughter their buckram grandeur would destroy; That way the " tmob express their silly joy."Q' From the very crowded asseemblahae it may be supposed many of the ladies of qllil-y w erle too dlistall,t frloml the margin of the river to peep ill aiid,ascertain the quality of the water anlimals.' "Tearzing made easy.":N: "garlmce exclatim'd with wonder — Lords are tlliilns, Which, iiever jmade by me, were made by kings."' (heUrchill. ~ "Loud lagnliter," says Chesterfield, "is extremely inconsistent wit,lh ood mannerls: it is olly tlhe illiberal and noisy testiamolny of the joy of the meob,it some very silly thlill'." And to the samIe tune silgetlh Lord Froth: "Tllhere is nothiig," says this sowble lord, "more unbecolingn a mian of?pidit7/ tllilT to ilan'h: it; is such a vuilarP expression of the passion! Ever yb ody (c1an I augi."-See tile Dolble _Deles. Even Bee, t1he doctor, sincdse his apeostcv, hns affected the consequence of these highl-boltn prigs, annd joined the stiirhing coxcomb A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 77 Grand fools are stufr'd writh' mcniCeres and graces," Which surely make amends for vacant faces. Of all the stupid follies brought fromn France, The most disgusting is the " mintuet" (lance. The poor automatonl, with silly face, -Sprawls round its arms and legs, and calls it grace! Now here, n0ow there, affectedly it swings, An-id seems a toyman's doll, on wheels and springs. A glorious feat to s\well tile YAHoo's pride, By which lie's so completely monkeyfled!~ Oh, Chesterfield, thou most illustrious scribe! First fiddle of the a-lia-p?1py tribe!'rhe world must surely deem it a disaster, That thou wert lnot brought up a dancing-master; The prince of capering coxcombs, great Marcel,f Could not have taught the " graces" half so well; Altho', like thee, he studied bienseaocce, And was a true-bred Fribble, born in France. How hast thou wrote, and wrote again, about it, Tho' a respected Hottentot did flout it.+ Wit trash like this didst thou take wondrous pains, To cram thy son's skull Nwith, instead of brains. Ho w didst thou scribble letter after letter, But never found poor Pliil~ a jot the better: For-oh, ye gods,'tis shockiirg to relate, When at a dinner-lpaty, in grand state, He ate his cherry pie, then licked his plate!11 tribe in their eontempt of every thing vlyaer. "Laughter," he exclaims, " is a plebeian emotion; nothingS beyond a silent and transitory simiper should be inllduloed in by thle refisled ranlbs!" —Omiasez. One should suppose the laureat was iroOzin'zfd us, as Mrs. Slipslop termls it.: Alfieri said he never could be taught, by a French dancing-master, whose art once made Ihim slludder and laugh. "If we reflect,' says Ir. D'Israeli, " that, as it is now practised, it seems the art of giviing affectation to a puppet, and thalt this puppet is a mlan, wve can enter inito this mixed sensation of degrladation and ridicule." f A celebrated dancinog-master at Paris., Lord Cthesterfield's appellation of the jgreae moralist. g Philip Stanhlope. [P Said to be a fact. 75 78 THE YAhI00 Such are " God's imames" among the great; The " lords of reasoun," piff'd with wealth and state. But takle your specimens fiomur Mutton-lane, Or Rotten-row, and then be proud and vain. Search lBilirosoate, Saint Giles's, and Rag Fair, Aucd say what anorgel-forms you meet with there; View them inl ens where poverty prevails, Or perishing in hospitals and jails; See the poor cirnder-sifter's filthy rags, ZAnd chimney-sweepers, with their sooty bags; A prey to squalid want, disease, and vermiiri, (Anld thousands there are such for one in ermine). Do these poor wretches, who eat huisks like swine, Disp-lay the boasted " human face divirle?"t Are " godlilie heroes" found in their abodes? O no!'tis wealth makes YAHoOS demi-gods; Of,o'dlike qualities the poet sings, But then they appelrain to lords and kings. Oh, what a blest, soul-gifted, sky-born race, Sweeps in so God's image," and iii Mudlarkl's grace In scavergers you "lords of reason" meet; VYociferatiiiog " dust-ho" through the street! " reatio's lords" divinely play their part, And liRt the frao'ralrt bucket to the cart; In spite of filth, iZmmortal soutls you trace, Which glitter through the dirty shirt arid face; Arnd though thley stirnk, and have Torn - -dren's looks, They'll irr the next world all be lords and dukes.t Ilnflated YAHoo! boast your blessed state, Millions in rags ald dirt-a few styled great;Q' Deons of misery in thle vicinity of Clerkenwell, whicli, withl Cllickalle anid Black-boy Alley, will be in all probabilitfy snwept away by thie ploposed new street fronm Fleet MIarket to Islington. t Paradise Lost. B: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingldom of heaven. "Mrrtt. a. 3. g Lord Bylon ihas observed, that thle world (speaking of En gland) se~-rns onlly rnade for a few thousands called qsalioty, or s'C7l aIInd./f'.siows, as the TVest-endlers are denominated. A ESATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 79 But still they've so ImTuch feeling for each other, TM/y LLord Duke owns the Sweep his C/h1istia.-brother: And though the poor are fed with fee-faw-fum, They'll get a greasy chlli in " kingdomr-come." Who would not give five pounds to treat a lord? Though for a single peach,'tis not absurd: But give five shillings to the poor for bread, Oh! that's disgraceful-up stairs they'll be fed, And here perhaps it may notbe amiss, rTo add a fhble in parenthesis; A proverb even, if it comes in pat, As Sancho tells tlle Don, is verbum sat. A fox once met an ape, as ]Esop says, And chatter'd as they used in former days; When, after compliments, the ape thus criedI w w-ish, kind sir, you'd peep at my backside: You'll own I've little reason to be glad, Cons'idering my rump's so poorly clad. I haven't got a tail that's worth a rush, \Whilecyol've a superfluity of brush; And could you but a little imorsel spare, To cover imy poor buttocks, now so bare; I certainly should take it very kind, As then I should be conrmoe i//lfqt behind." 6God zounds!" quoth Reynard, flying in a passion, " An ape, forsooth! and would be dress'd fox-fashion! A very pretty joke for plebs like thee To dizen out, and think to rival. me! No, rio, nmy brush nay trail along the ground, But riot an atom of i shall be found To decorate the rififraff, my inferiors; MBuch more to hide a, stinlking ape's posteriors." This fable to the YAHOO may apply, As any one wvill see with half an eye; 6" Id est," if he has " quantum suff." of brain: And now we'll to our mnouztos$ turn again. e Rabelais. 80'TrE, ~V~AH( o Folly and -vice by turns the Yxnoo rule, Sometimes the knave prevails, sometimes the fool. Actions that often are considered good, Base would be found, the motives understood:" His life's a counterfeit, a mnasquer ade,'.Atnd cant and rank hypocrisy a trade. With artificial phiz he acts a part, And all through life his tongue belies his heart::,' Volto sciolto," says my lord to Phil,~ " Ma pensieri stretti," mind that. still. IHis character completely would you know, Read Swift, and Mandeville, and Rochefoucault.l[ Observe yonl black-dress'd Yahoos, what grimlace Mlirth in the heart, and sorrow in the face What signs of woe, crape hat-bands, solemn walk, Exteriors dismal-hearts as light as cork.ciT "All the virtues that have ever been in mankind," says Swift,'rmay be counted upon a few fingers; but, their follies and vices are innumerable, nand time aadds hourly to the heap." And what says brotfier parson of thle present day? "The world antd almost evytilting in it are capablle of being abused by,aozo, whose corrtapt propeensities are ccntinually leading him to poison the sources of his own happiness."- Ssoe/.ie?? "Our life is a false naturlee —'tis not in The harmony of things."-Byrocn. I Eous aurions souvent honte de nos plus belles actions, si le monde voyait tous les motifs qui les produlisent.."-PRoclefowecalt ~ See "Lord Clhesterfield's Letters to his Son," to qualify him for the beau-mon,de. 1 The proceedings of the good, honest churIlchl-going YAIxoos toward each other, are truly described by Mandeville inr the story of the two sugar merchants, letter B in the Fable of the Bees, verifying the Italian provelrb, "Con Arte edl Inganni si vive il mezzo anni; Con Inganni e con Arte si vive l'altre pamti." "What thinkl you," says Horace Walpole, "of the cruelty and villany of European settlers; but this very morning I found that part of the purchase of 3Marylandl from the saorcye proprietors (for see do not massacre, ce are sulch good Christians as only to cheat), was a quantity of red lead and a parcel of jews'-harps."- icVlpole's corresponlde.ce.'"Ovunque il guaredo osservato tu giri, Seorticatori e scortieati lbi'i: Gl'imbelli il forte, ed i babbei lo sealtro, E insomma ognun che pu6, seortica l'altro."'-Casti. "I-Ieredis fletus sub personi 1risus este" A SATTIRICAL RHAPSODY. 81 A gouty friend (oh, what delightful luck), Has left the world, and left'him all his muck. Heart-broken they m.utst seem, and in a tone Of whining, tell you of their dear friend gone. In sables then they're deck1'd friomI top to toe, That every one their great distress may know: And while in canting strain they seem to grieve, (What mockery) they're laughing in their sleeve.i But the grand farce is when a monarch die'sA butch'ring Harry, or a George the wise; A royal Tiger, or a royal Neddy; No matter which, the scutcheons are got ready; The carcass lys inl state, with inltes and lights; For loyal subjects love such pretty sights. Crushino2 each other's ribs in crowds they go, Thouigh full of grief they lono to see the show. And whene the royal carrion's in the tomb, The undertakerll's gab theya all assume; The gieov'lilgn crew throuo)hout thle royal nation, Show outttirlld sigtlos of irwavrd lamentatioln. At church, at play-house, andC at public shows,'Fhe "lords of' reson" all as black as crows, Look as if Nick had shook his soot-bag o'er'em,'ro make theIm like himlself — for )l/zick's deiCorz/1. Hence Latitats and Parisons when they clack, Out of respect to Nick, are dress'd in black; For though these long-rob)ed gentry all pretend To hate Old BlackeNy, lihes their dearest friend. (Were YAnoos free from vice they would inot want The law\yer's jargon, or the parson's canl).t: "In all civil societies men are taught insensibly to be hlypocrites firom their cradle.:Nobody dares to own that he gets by public calamities, or even by the loss of private persons. The sexton woulld be stoneed sliould l le wish openly for the death of the parishioners, thouao'h everybody oltiew T e lhad nothing else to live upon."-Search isto Societ/, 402. ayInv not the saime be said of doctors aind physicilans, wiho profess to be vesry lcod whlen they meet their friends and acquaintance in good hlealth? h ",Why were laws made, but that we are rogues by. nature.'" Shak spere. After all the blarney of the immotcrial bard about the Yahoo's perfec 8'2 T'HE YAHOO0'Tis true, they call him dragon, serpent, sharkl But then they shake hands with himn in the dark. Now Old Nick's black in grain, a knowing prig, Who hides his horns and tail with gown and wig;K A nd rneeting with youtng Chipt (the Lamb) one day, He whipt him on his back, and flew away' Then in a wilderness for forty days,t He tried to diddle him in various ways; With promised kingdoms, if he would adore him, And boo respectfully, and fall before him; But Chippy, though a Lamb, was not a flat, ) For through the gown and wig he smelt a rat, So neither made a leg, nor doff'd his hat; But cried, "I smell your brimstone, Master Nick; You're after playing me some shabby trick: Don't think with your palaver you can blind me, -But hold your jaw, my cock, and get behind me."~ Ben Johnson says, that Beelzebub an ass is,} ~Though for a conjurer with fools he passes; And sure he p)roved himself a Johnny Raw, To let young Chippy thus slip through his paw: tions, whlo would have thought he would lhave let the eat out of thle bag, and like the Satyr in the fable, " blow hot and cold with the sam.e mouth." "To hinder him from being known, lie borrowed parson Squintum's gown; These kind of robes, his godship knew, Hide rogues the best, and roguery too." Homer Burlesqued. 1 The carpenter's son. ~ "Tlien was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be telmplted of the devil; and when he had fasted forty days and forty nighlts, he was afterward an hungered. Again the devil taketh him liup into an exceeding high mountain, and showeth him all the kingdomns of the world and the glory of them: and saith unto hlim, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me." -IMatt. iv. g "And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan."-Luke iv. 1] Comedy of "The Devil's an Ass." 5A S'ATIRICA IEIRHAPSODY. 83 And after, when, as Christian creeds all tell, He had him three dltys in his claws in hell; Yet, like a blockhead, let him scamper out, When he a treaty might have made no doubt. With such a first-rate prisoner in limbo, He might have stritttied with his arms a-kimbo: Not only haggled for his liberation, But liave released Ihs staff for their damnation! Yet who can judge fbr this proud cock? they say, Trhat every one has some odd whim or way. B De gustibus non disputandum est,",He nmiglit think his warm corner much the best; Where he could smoke his pipe, and swill his toddy, Nor longer care a fig for any body. He had. had trumpeting enough before, Blasting anld puffing till his throat was sore; And rnow preferr'd, bored writh their " holy, holy," The Bumble-puppy game, and Rolly-polly..But this is all digressive-we'll go back To where we talk'd of Yahoos wearing black. Young Chip it seems smelt NickI, and didn't mind him, But snubb'd him well, and bid him get behind him. While to commemorate this dire event, Christians wear cllharcoal-colored clothes in Lent: Nor dare they then taste any luscious dish, But snuffle grace o'er parsnips and salt fish;'While on Black Friday, by saints nick-nam'd Good, Buns, gallows-marked, are deemed soul-saving food:*'fill penance over, Easter brings delight, And then they gorge and guzzle day and night. Thus six months past (the grieving time requir'd For kings), the Yahoos of their black get tir'd; The mockery no longer is display'd — They then find out that " it akes bad for trade," N iqotwithstanding the sreadc ancl the stream, and mar'chI of intellect, ni,,l the so muich boastle euelightened age, there is scarcely a family in Eng'ltand in which this superstitious and degrading munimery is omitted on what is called Good Friday, when the streets resound with the cries of Hot Cr'oss Bunzs! But hogs delight in garbage, 84 TH-E YAHOO: Besides, although he was the " best of kings," They're not to fret their guts to fiddle-strings. So grief adieu-a royal chamberlain Says, " NEDDY'S put your g'audy's on aogain.' Th' obsequious herd, impatient of delay, Resume their frippl'ry, and as larks are gay, Proud to show off in this lickispittle f:arce, And mourn a Nero, or a royal ass. In black, or colors, still they're strutting seen, Puff'd with conceit, and proud of being mean. For, though it seems a paradox,'tis true, The self-same Yahoo's mean and haughty too; WYith vices opposite, he's doubly curst, "' Meanness that soars, and pride that liclks the dust." Observe that buckraimd, whisker-jawed, queer thing, He's called a " lord in waiting" to the king; And when his majesty's dispos'd to stir, This thing stickis to his crupper like a bur: Whether the monarch marches fast or slow, Just the same pace this lackey-lord must go; And at the play-house, when the king goes there, Skip-kennel stands upright behind his chair: Scarce daring, while he stands in stifi'-rump'd state, To turn from side to side his empty pate: Abject,.yet proud, a mixty-maxty thing; But very fit to wait upon a king. Among the court-gang crawling like a toad, A three-tailed bashaw in his own abode: An abject reptile in the drawing-room; At home the tyrant's manner he'll assumea A very Bobadil, a Bully-back; But when at court, he sails on t'other tack: Booing and cringing, none so mild and meek, Not brother Bruin then, but Jerry Sneak. God made man in his image, parsons teach, When Old Nick came next day and kich'd his breech; And, being " maitre Charlatan," alas Soon got Godr's i7nato' bhundled out to grass: A SATIRICAL RfIAPSODY. 85 For he was in a garcden placed at first, Till by the snake's contrivance he was curs'd. (The qutonodo has been before related, Where madame Eve was found to be soft-pated). And claiming still the Yahoo as his prize, This devil-snake we now apostrophize. 0, thou infernal oimnipresent dragon! @ A mighty feat it is for thee to brag on, To gull a naked nincompoopish couple, By coaxing them to eat a bit of apple. Thou sooty, smutty, worst of bugaboos, Who's at the Yahoo's heels where'er he goes; Whether call'd Old One, Nick, or Scratch, or Devil, I'is thou that dost inclirne his heart to evil. Not only hast thou dosed him well with pride, But most of thy good qualities beside. Had it not been for thee, thou ugly toad, This world of ours had been a snug abode; But since thou trottest night and day about, In ev'ry corner poking thy damn'd snout, The Yahoo's never safe, but ev'ry minute Finds something wrong, and cries " the devil's in it." T'he Lord, we're told, once cranmm'd thee in thy den, Then, who the devil let thee out again?t But'tis no use for us to growl and grumble, If fated, in thy clutches we must tutmble. Does not the saint of saints, the frenzie'd Paul,[': \Would not the omnipresence of the black monarch, since he is universally acknowledged as a Ubiquitarian, be an excellent subject for the pen of an evangelical fustian scribblerl ~ "'To credit such idle. whims," says the Indian, "is an affront to the great Spirit, as it charges him with authorizing mischief, by being the dir'ect autihor of all the disorders and wickednesses in the world, by suffering the evil spirit to get out of hell."-Lkchozto's TVoy.qge.: "Howv little did those people think, whlo saw' The first appearance of this crooked lout; Wlho saw this same disturber of the law, When first from towrn to town he;ov'd about. 86 -TH E YAh I 0 0 Insinuate that'.,:e predestinated all,' From birth, the chosen few aloft to go, The many sous'd into the pit below?t The sheep elected, all cram''d up to heaven; The goats rejected, down to hell are driv'n.t Bu lt let us leave this jargon to the schools: To rev'rend prigs who dub each other fools. They'll solve such mysteries beyond a doubt, And. where there is no meaning, find one out; Prove that it's darkl at noon, and light at night. And thllo' all's wrorng, " whatever is, is righllt." Prate about " trees of life," and "' trees of knowledge,' (Else wherefore go such loggerheads to college),~ What Paul saw when he up to heaven was skipping; And why he etgrs so IuMch on doodle-snipping.lJ Ahl, little did they tinlk how deep the root, IHow far'trwas dooml'd to spread, how curs'd the fruit. "Yet so it; is; a Paul has liv'd and died; A curs'd religion has sprung up and rent The world with factions-men have fought and pray'd As with one breath: their energies they've spent In brutalizing wars, where hellish strife Could prompt each man to seek a brother's life." Pr'ize Poe~?u on tihe Life aelnd Chiaracter of St. Patl. M oreover, whoii hlie did predestinate,-them he also called.-boinanl viii. Therefore hath he mlercy on whom he will have mercy; and whom he will, lie hardeneth.-Roo mans ix. Israel hatlh not obtained that which he seeketh for, but the election, hath obtained it. God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear, unto this day.-Romans xi. 1 Straight is the gate, and narrow is the vway th'at leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.:i And lie shall set the sheep on his rlight hand, but the goats on the left. Then shall lie sayv unto them on his left hand, Depart from me ye cursed into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. -MattS. xxv. "Else wherefore bhreathe I in a Christian land?"-Richeacrd II[,A great, part of the frothy epistles; or, as Cardinal Beinbo very properly called them, Epistolaccie of this holy maniac, are filled with disgusting balderdash respecting the profitableless of circumcision 1which, indeed, as the godly cock was a bit of a snipper himself, having A. SAT'IRICAL I-HAPSODYV, 8}7 Of Old Nick's soter'siet, and sin original (The leading trumps with which the parsons pigeon oal): How to "' cast off the old man," they'll explain; And solve the slang of;" being born again"Of faiith, foreknowledge, griace, and firee-will bawl, Till it's as clear as mustard to us all. Whether the Yahoo's folly, or his pride, Most governs,'tis not easy to decide; But in the high-born race,'tis plainly shown, Excess of pride stamps them the devil's own; Pride governs thlese through life, and strange to tell, Outweighs the terrors both of death and hell! Two "noble lords, sworn friends, sit down to play, (Both good church-going Christians in their way). But if, as oft it happens, words arise, And one affirms what t'other lord denies; Then anger's kindled, hateful passion grows, And Christian friends are chang'd to bitter foes. Urged by false honor, let who will be right, The challeng'd has no option baut to fight;T operated upon poor Tim, by depriving him of his foresliin (Acts xvi.), is not so mlldl to be wondlered at. But rwhy did not the saint explain this holy butsitness to his bel].oved sisters in the Lord, Priscilla, MIary, anodl thie rest of the chosen vessels, whom lie desires may be saluted with a holy l]iss.-IRlomans xvi. "Theile is no dang(lot so grleat, but by the help of his pride a man may slight and conlfront it; nor any manner of death so tertrible, but'with the same assistance lie may count, and if hie has a firml constitution undergo, it with alacrity."-Fzble of the Bees. "La p)lus calamliteuse et frngile de toutes les crdatures," says Montaign, "e'est l'hoamre, et quant ln plus orgueilleuse.-I1 Ine selmble fi 1a v6ritd, que Natuire, pourl' 1 consolation de notre estat des miselrable et, chetif, ne nousl it donn6 en partage que la pr6sumption."-'Esseis, liv. 2, chap. 12. t "How comies it that a man of honor should so readily accept of a clhallenge, %when in the prime of life and in perfect health? It is his plride that conquers his fear: for when his pr'ide is not concerned, this fearl' will appear most glaqringly. If he is not used to the sea, let hinm lint be in a storm; or, if lie never was ill before, have but a slight fever, and he'll show a thousand anxieties, and in them the inestimable value hie sets on life."-Seeci'ch iszto Society, 383. "Un hiomme religieux n'est-il pas bien sad de sa daumnation 6ter 88 THE YAHOO: And some so skilfully the weapons handle, At twenty paces they can snuff' a candle. So trained tained to imurder in a genteel way, You may have salzis/flctio2n any day; Gi ving the injured party who complains, Redress, bly coolly blowing out his brains. Now where's their Christianc love? does worldly pride Set holy gospel precepts all aside? While thus to blind revenge, and murder giv'n, Are they e'er checked by thoughts of hell or heaven? Do these " Corinthians" in such affairs, Before they shoot each other, say their pray'rs? Oh, no! they laugh at all the parson's stuffThey're hig/z-borniz Yahoos, and quite " up to snuff."@ Yes, vice and folly tinge the heart and brain, And leave behind an everlasting stain. Adam, we're told, sought wisdom, and was blam'd;t He ate the apple, and his race was damn'd;t If he was not permitted to be wise, Sulrely his offspring wisdom may despise. I-elle s'il est tud6 en duel/? Et cependant l'honneur l'importe, et il se bat!" —. dle doRi'varol. * As suchl high-born prigs are nlways (as well as the low-born) well stuffed wKith gospel mammon at their schools and colleges, how comes it they can so easily shake it all off, and send one another to hell so deliberately? They should alt least take a parson with them upon such occasions, to intercede witdh the LanAmb- inl behalf of their precious souls, which'ure tlhus precipitated into the fiery lake in scec'slct sceCllorsn.>. "Lesoing de s'atgumtenter en sagesse et en science, ce fult ]a premiihe ruine dui genre hlumain: c'est la voye par otf il s'est precipilt6 la dlam nation eternelle."-lfostaigtae.;[ Of all the absurdities that ever were foisted upon the imagination of a Yahoo, this apple story is the im-ost completely ridiculous? Adam should unildoubtedly have been tauglht to seek [knowledoe, nor sllhu it, that thereby hle might have avoided evil. If hlis instructor hlsd been anr evil genius, the interdictioln wvotul have been inL chariacter,' s inorance is the parlent of crime and misery. " Quand on fait, reflectioll," says Voltaire, "que presque toute la terre a ete ianfattue de pauiels contes, et qu'ils ont fait l'education du genre humain, on trouve les fables de Pilpay et d'Esope bien rasonnables." A SATIRICAL RHI-APSODY. 89 We ought,'tis plain, from such good scripture rules, To bring up all our children arrant fools.* And this has been the case since Adam's time; To doubt, or speak the t'ruth, is deem'd a crime.'Tis true, we've scores of metaphysic lools, From Blrazer-nose and Corpus-Christi schools:t All filled with learned ignorance and pride,j: A. B.'s, L. D.'s, and Lord.knows what beside; Who with big wigs their owlish phizzes cook so, That if they are not wise, they try to look so.~ They jabber'aboutfit/ii, by which is meant That you shlould give them cre'dit for their cant; For fiith's not worth a fig s whichl can't dispense, AWith things that give the lie to common sense. "l'is aogainst reasSol, is it? that's enough; A parsonr's creed demanrds no better proof. FaiLh's the girand nostium for the parson's jobs, And moves all " stlumbling-blocks" from Yahoos' nobs. Well stuff'd with faith, and larded with devotion You in a walnut-shell may cross the ocean: If ye doubt not, cry geehap when you will, And Highgate hops to Harrow on the Hill.l['- "For in Inicle wisdom is nalch grief; and he that increaseth knowledge irlereaseth sorrow."-Eccles. i. 18. f~ BI3,nzen-facedc would have been a more suitable appellation. What names for colleges of instIruction! _Bol/ of C]trist! This wretclled kind of superstitious mummery is carried to such an extent in the Catholic countries, that tleir inns and figohting ships are sanctified with the precious eplithdets of "Blood of Christ," "Holy Ghost," and "Satvior of the World," &c. t "It may sound ocldly," siys Lordl Bolinglrolke, "but it is true in many cases to say, that if meir had learned less their way to knowledge would be slhor ter and easier. There is no cure for one who is taughit to be a blockheand; his ignoranee is the firuit of instruction; he hIas clogged his mirnd avitll learned darkness, and veriifies thle p.oveiJ), that zoe'us hscolaticuts est Cmeri'.s csistes. —See Itdepcs9edCt TVlrig, vol. i. pp. 2 and 258. "Thus pedants will hang' out a solemn face, To put off nonsense waith a better g'race."- YFoucg. i "Jesus said, If ye have faith and doubt not, ye shall say unto this moruntain, Be thou removed, and be tlhon east into the sea, and it shall be done."-See Qeestioits, viii. 11 9. —Iark xi. 90'I'I E A I1- 0 0 The little hills by Faith will skip likle lambs, Anld all the mountains dance like rams;*'To those with Faith all contradiction bends,t A walking-stick may be witliout two ends. Charcoal milk-white, and. snow as black as jet; A briewer's horse may in a bottle get; A man may jump down his own throat, and then (If it so please the Lord) jump tp again. Faith at impossibilities ne'er wrangles, But sees distinctly round and square triangles! Faith's the FA Tur'Tro, priestcraft's corner-stone;'T'ake that away, and presto! all is gone. Call it credulity, the tribe roar out, All in foll chorus, " T/,ey are damn'd who doubt." That doubt is nothingo btut the devil's snare, And skeptics all in hell, with old Voltaire; W' " hy hop ye so, ye hioh hills?"-Psalm lxviii. "The mountains skipped like ralns, anld the little hills like lambs."-Psalm lxviii. This silly bonmbast is called snublime; so that there does not seem a straw to choose between nonsense and sublimity. HIomer abounds in trash of this sort (one of the reasons wThy lie is so much admired); where not only horses are weeping and discoursing, but even rivers get up.and colnle to the "scratch," one (Xanthus) calling the other (Sillois) to hIis icssistance. c Norsense seems to amialgam ate with the putty-like stufi in the skulls of the lords of lreason, who are sure to delight in any thiiing in 1proportion to its absurdity; their precious faith enlabling theml by obumbraiticn asnd offuscating (as Pomposo phrases it) their intellects, to see apple-dumlplinogs when there is only horse dung before their snouts! Wonderful Yahoo! thy gullibility exceeds all power of imiagination. "La vertu fonidementale de toulte religion, i. e., 1,a plus utile ses iministres c'est la Fso. Elle consiste dans une credulitM sans boI'ies, qui fait croire sans examen tout ce que les interpretes de la divinit6 out interet que I'on croie. La rOI implicite a et, la souirce des plus grands attentats qui se soient commiis sur' la terre."-Le Bon Sens. "Credulity, call'd faith, entraps the soul; She lies in wait for idiotism and youth; List'neth to tales baptized rigmarole, Aiid makles them pass for oracles of truth."-Piscidar. "Doubt," says Bolingbroke, "is the key of knowledge: who do not doubt will never examneile; and, those who never examine will never linow, but lrem-aill iil perlpetual ig'noiance..-PIsiiosopl~iical El's. soys,. A SATIRICAL RtiAPSODY. 91 Laiment there's not a HIoIY inquisition, To burn blasphemers in this wicked nation.' Such are our teachers, rev'rend sapient prigs; Starch'd, formal thingis, in loop'd hats, bantds, and wigs: Such are thie M3entors of' our public schools; Is it a wonder Yahoos are such fools? The'y'll tell you it was from pride that Satan fell, rAnd that the rich with Dives are inr hell. Style themselves pleniipos from great Jehovah, Alld while they face their dupes, all live il clover".ti Surrounded by this moon-eyed gapirng rabble, Who prick their asses' ears up at his gabble, See Rowland Hill squint upw\vard to the slky, Like Macbeth at his dagger, anld then cry, " Dearly beloved, mark Nwell what I say, Cast off' the old lmanI ye must fast and pray' B "But saints now peiseeute-tllose iwho won't turn To their idolatry, they ha-ng and hlurn. They were not so at first-they could not be: They wanted power: this obtaitned, we find Thleil character aippear'd: from fear once free, Tlhe damning cut'se began, which sunlk mlaikind 1Beneath —aye, speak! to hide this truth were vain —. Benieath thle lowest brute that stalks the plain. Cali'd civilized! far better lhad Tye been Like beasts that perishll; then ye " 0would(l have liv'd Anid rov'd in haliilmony througli wood and glen; Nor would'e fo' the futurle then hlave griev'd Or had ye fought it'would have been for food, Atid not for creeds ye never nlderstood." -P'rize Poeesz. 1~ AWe lieed not wonder at the audlacity of this tribe of black ],enusts, when we collsider tllat "kiins and queens" ire to be their "l' n'sin'? flathellrs nd motlelrs, and nare to bow theil faces to the e art;, ca li jik the dust off tlheir feet;." No wrolder the I-Ioly Bible is so ii)nd(stl'iusly crammied into the maLws of thle besotted Yailoos, and so mulacl!,ly zeal displayed in coIvei'tiiig the heathlen B13t i kiiigs and queents (lare to lick thle dust off thleie feet," hoxw nre the swinnish multlittu:le to sh)ow fi ei'? respect to t:le Lord's ambiassadlors? Why, by liekil)go somci!/tes'e else to be sute. Ii l'y a pas l'ttnte o movyellm a nd so tlhey ouflt, iin orlder to kIeep them ill p roper suhljectionl.- ai iitd exlibilied himself ill his true eolors whllell iri the heiollt of hliS eareel, lle insoeltitly sild, lie hloped to see tie time xiheii thle greatest llalc-gl'l1 nlean iii the Iland shllould ot dare to staiid iwith his iiitA on b efore the mneanest priest. 92'THE YAHOO: Ye're born in sin, and very prone to evil, And but for me, ye'd soon be with the devil; Buit heed him not, for all his raynt and racket, The Lord's appointed me to dust his jacket. Brtinog bhut your filthy lucre to tile church, And we'll soon leave the rascal in the lurch: Renounce the orld, anrid all its empty trash; Good pious Christians never can want cash'he Scripture moveth us in sundry places,'lo give the parsonl ALL without wry faces:'~: T'he holy gospel proves it's not a fib,'Twas so xwith Ananias anrld his rib; They wanted for themselves to keep a penny, -'ITho Hoiy Ghost said' No! ye sha'n't have any.' So down they tunmbled like two cheating wretches, ('Those who defraud the church the devil fetches). Don't think I tip ye holy gospel gammon, In order to cajole ye of your mammlon: I scorn' to meddle with your worldly pelf, I never want a farthing for myself. Poor souls, indeed, in this world I know many, Who smell meat in cook's shops, but ne'er taste any. God "Godliness is great gain." "iBring me all thou lhast and follow ine is the true church maximn," says Gordon.. "As manly as were possessed of houses or lands sold theme, antd brought the prices of the things that were sold, and laid theml down at the apostles' feet!" This is in the true spirit of holy religion! Bring ALL, you canl not1 bring too much, as TIwas barefacedly avowed by John Wesley. "You," says the pious holder-forth, " who have ~200 a year, and spend bllt one, do you give God the other hundred? If not, you rob hin of just so much. Oh, leave nothing behlind you! Send all you have before you go into a better world! Lend it! lend it AnLL unto the Lord, and it shall be paid you again. I-Iaste, haste, miy beloved; haste, lesl; oiln should be called away before you hbave settled what you hxave oni this securlity. When this is done, you may boldly say, Noxr I have nothirno to (lo but to die! [Trine enough, John.] Fatther, int& thy hands I colmmitd my spirit! come, Lord Jesus, cole cquicldy."-sSotmhey's Life of We may well say withl Cowper"Legates and delegates with pow'rs from hell, Tho' heavenly in pretension, fleece us well." 0' witlh Doddsley"Thie holy clrones monopolize the sl;y, Andci plunder by a vow of poverty." A SATIRICAL RH-IAPSODY. 93 Do, nmy beloved, pity their hard fate, Arad drop for them your money in the plate.* Remermber you've your blessed Savior's word, Give to the poor you lend unto the Lord."' Oh, pious preachers, reverendissimos, ) Do give the rabble some religious shosws, And, pope-like, let them kliss your holy toes. How very much ye all by your behavior, Observe the precepts of yor " blessed Savior." What self-denial! modest, mild, and meek; Ye never riches, or Commendams seeki; Ye never wisl- to swell your worldly store, But give whate'er ye get to feed the poor; A.nd call in all the crippled and the blind, Whene'er ye guttie, as ye are enjoin'd.j Ye-'ve no vile appetites to gratify; Temptations of the devil ye defy. All woildly vanities ye shun with care, Bl'rownl-bread and gospel-sauLce is precious flare; }YTe never stuff your guts at taveirn dinners,' Christ and a Crust" is quite enough for sinners;: lYe never swill, nor gormandize like beasts, As greasy cits do, at their Lord Mlay'r's feasts. If ye, have double chins, and swaggiong paunches, It's not with calapash, nor luscious haunrches; Ye polke no spoon in anry rich men's dishes, Nor play the sycophant for loaves and fishes; "','Tis tlle saint's godly maxnim to beg for the pelf, In behalf of the pool, and theun keep it himself." Al~ i "len th:llou inakest a dinner ol a supper', call not thy friiends, nor thy rich neighbors; call the maimed, the 1)poor, tle ]tme and tlhe blind."-Luke xiv. Ay, catcll'ema at it! a pretty rig to see all thle beggars in Lambethl sitting nose to nose with hIis grace of Canterbury, forsooth! t Many of thle mawvsworim tribe have these cant phirases in their months, anid I),oast of the riches of "Christ and a CInst," whlic they possess, antd wvliic their fleecing Ipaisons tell them is quoite sfiicitlnt, an(1 etll a good Cirristiarn needs. B3cedlanm is h1:lf-filled witl tlilese poor creatures; and the number of oee, patients affected with tile snre vierus (which Voltnire aptly denoinitrltes la verole 7o.orale) is incredible. 94 TIi:l YAHOO: But mortify your flesli by pray'r and fastillg, in order to obtain life everlasting. Such are our teachers and our preachers too! All ineoln of riumpiont -give the dev'l his due;* Aith Bible, blunderbuss, and Pray'r-book sabre, Poor Beelzebub's black hide they all belabor; W[hile hle, who klno\ws that. this is humbug stuff, Stnips his blaclk fiiigers aft their bouilce and huff: For that, however, they pretend to scout him, They couldli't carry on their trade without him: So to his valet Smut (who combs his wigs Aiid shaves him) says, " Go, tell the pulpit prigs I value not their gospel-mag a louse, BIut tlake their serllmos to the little house PTo buffet r1e they only lose their pains, Ald show they're better stuff'd with guts than brains; But if they are for comirng to the Scratch, By God Illt curry the whole blackg1uard batch."j1 Who, Imy lord bishop can -with pride reproach, Altho' hie lives in state, and keeps his coach? Does he not wvith a pious phiz declare, That filthy lucre's nothing but a snare?':Men thlat can strut it and look biff, Witll store of guts as well as wig-oe." —:omzc. { As these revei end devil-boxers are dressed in black, and are gcearcds to the churceh, the Blacl Prince's epithet, if not very polite, is at least very npprloplriate. " Sire'tis anr or todox opinion, Tll'at giCee i fOllllnded inl dominion. Great piety consists in pride; To o'lle is to ble szanctified: To domineer and to control Both o'er thle body and the soul, Is the mIeot 1perfect discipline Of ehurch rule, and by r ight divine. For saitls naVy do the same thiing by Trle spiriit ill sicetit;y, h711jell oth1er inc ar'Il e testemd to, Anld at the devil's inst ance do; Aud yet the actions Ibe contrary, Just as t he.,,ints and wicked vary."-Ildibracs. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 95 "Nolo episcoparii" is his boast; But then he's called on by the Holy Ghost;" And when a ghost calls with such special news, How can a bishop in his hemart refuse? Renolnlcing vanities and sinful llst, Hffis treasure's where there's neither " moth nor lrust;9 Ile scorns all mammon (just as dogs do mutton); But seeks it with the stomach of a glutton. He never makes provision for the morrow, IButi gives away his all, the Lord to follow; In nien so lonwly, and so truly meek, When strtickT on ofne he turns the other cheek; Each (angry and revengefu feeling sinotliers, Nor eer resents the trespasses of others.l b,:,t xwatch this canting tribe, and if you've e(yes, o-ou'll find atll this mere fudge and lumibuog lies —ITr-Ii we\lI the condluct of rihese titl-le-collectors, F[ ro, flul'i to low, archbishops, d(:.ls, alnd rectors: otiou'll soon perceive the glari ng coittradiction, And that their ghostly jabber's all t fiction. * What a stock of brass these revel ends must be endowed with, to pronounce in tthe most solemn mannern and in the face of diay, that they v e unwillirng to become bishops; awhien at the same tilne it is weil known that they have' been exertillg themselves in every R-way possible to obtain the mitre. Sliane, where is thy blush? Ta.lk of the impudence of a hlighllwayman's hIose! bah; transfer the comparison to a parson.'[ Only now cand tlen,!len the devil gets tlie cascenenny over these Lord's eib dssaidos, as happened lateiy lze'e Twiclkenhamfa, where the l:ev. prosecuted his gardener for stealing tNwo-penny worth of beef, of whliclh lie was convicted' the parson havin found the slice of meat in his possessioi, and carefully fitted it to tile rounld firomn which it; had been cut. But instances of cletiieal charity, forgiveness of trespasses, and coimpassiollate feelii foIi the poor, abould. A wcorIthy rector (of Blue-coat school notoriety), withlin one hlundred'miles of Edm-ontoii, wnho has oily about ~2,000 per annum, threatened his gardelier with le Cll punislaeient for makinc firee withl a few potatoes not lolng since! AhVliile alnotller aoithy of the sable corps, not far fromn Leatierlled, 1nd'lwho is molreover a jitst-c.s,, fined a poor laboringr 1niai niine shilliings for selilng a. few clherlries, which crewsr irI his owt'aldenl, on thie Lord's day. Whallt a ldessi thle 0Lo(d's day is to the poolr-in spirit! NI wTivclder the swinish multitude iare ill so eager to salnte the postceriors of tlieil spiritual panstorsq, efoltse they call even slip down thIlel u ni'en tionllbles. 96 THE YAHOO: Of such you'll always find the tongue and heart, Like east and west, lie very far apart.' And verifies what Hobbes said long ago, T'hat words would with a fool for money go: But with the wise would not so easy pass, They smelt the diff'rence soon'twixt gold and brass.f The YAHoo, as if prompted by the devil, To physical has added moral evil; His self-tormenting mind is on the stretch To plague himself, and be his own Jack Ketch. What he thinks wrong to-day, to-morrow's right; He loves at noon what he detests at night: The fiend that plagues him, his own sickly brain, Turns all his schemes of pleasure into pain. A slave to all the follies of the great, Whate'er they do he's sure to imitate. Tell him,'mongst lords and dukes it is the mode, He'll walk uripon his head, or eat a toad.t Should ary blockhead cut his coat in ihalf, Wher he walk'd out the rabble all would laugh, But tell them'tis a lord, the ape-like creNri,'.'o look like him, cut all their coats in two.6 FA1sH IO N's the magic word; if some grand fool Is all be-whisker'd, it becomes the rLule'.The YAHoos all thell try to gain app1lautse, By looking like baboons about the jaws.11 * "Ts there a churcllc ihman who onl Godl relies, Whose life his faithl and doctrine justifies? Not onle." Lord Rochester.'l It was an. observation of I-Hobbes, that words " were the counters of wise liie, aend tIhe mouey of fools." } Doddsley's Poems. ~ It is sraid, Lord Spencer, for a iwager, to prove the folly of the Y~ahoo, as Ito fashlion, iln imitatiiig tlhe.vpper ordcers,,ct;ually alppeared in the publlic places in a h.alf coat;, i. e., with tlhe shirt.s cut off; alld, in a very sllor't time, everybody followed the exanlmple, and appeared in a'simllar dress; whichi was, from thiat circumstance, cdubbed a Spencer.. Whiskers are manuflcetured(l; t present, and dyed to any color for sullh tas may want therm in haste, when t.hey are stuclk on! Vast inlpreov -el elts. A SATIRTICAL tRHAPSODY. 97 Ask one of these brute-snouted prigs, what news? He'll tell you Hoby makes the smartest shoes: Or should you want an exquisite cut coat, Stultz is your man, when tipp'd a ten-pound note. See dear 3Miss Tommy dressing! —what's he at? Why, studying' how to tie on his cravat: Of modes there are no less than thirty-six,* And Tommy doesn't know on which to fix! What "' march of mind!" what scientific days I Women wear boots, and long-back'd lubbers stays. Folly, thy name is Ycaoo-thou dost show Thyself conspicuous both in bellet and beau. The females, with their form dissatisfied, (And half-deranged through piety and pride,) By pads, cork-rumps, and lacing-tight, pretend'The shape that nature gave them they can mend; And who'll dispute the female Yahoo's taste, Who barters health to gain a slender waist! Screw'd in so tight they scarce can draw their breath, Persisting, even though it threaten death. All tops and bottoms, nothing now will do, Unless, like wasps, they're nearly cut in two. In shape an hour-glass, pinch'd up in the middle, And puff'd out round the shoulders and bum-fiddle! As if for Venus-Hottentots design'd, They hang a full-stuffed pocket on behind. Each to be foremost in the folly brags, Huge bushel bonnets-sleeves like pudding-bags! "Gigot de mouton" call'd, of Paris fame, Though "jambe de bceuf" would be a fitter name. * A book is advertised, called, the "Art of tying onl a Cravat," price 3s., in which there are thirty-two modes exhibited on plates, with a "History of the Cravat from its Origin to the present Time," &c.; with a portrait of the author! which has run throllgh three editions, Oh, intellect, no wonder there is so much boasting of thy spread. t,"Frailty, thy name is woiman," says the divinle bard; but why not man?' The females do certainly clrowd mnost into the Gospel-shops; many, no doubl-, fromn the felar of the devil, and many from vanity to display their finery; Iby t are the puppies of the masculine gender much behind thetm in absurdity? 0 98 THE YA~klO(G If French, howe'er preposterous or fiightful,'The Yahoo belles all cry, " Oh, how delightful!" Observe those coxcombs all so slowly pacing, To show off-'tis the funeral of a Mason. With leather aprons, compasses, and rules, By which to prove that they're no commyon fools; With antics that would make the devil grin, They're at an ale-house what is call'd " tiled-in." Building a temple then to wo/rk they go, To imitate king Solomon's in show. The great Jew king w-as pleas'd with apes we find,And these are their descendants left behind: Some say they're with hot pokers mark'd-why not? When Ne behold the Yahoo such a sot.t Absorb'd in follies, but yet never stated, The Yahoo's first with tZ/is, then t/s.at elated. One childish fancy after t'other's tried, Be-pictur'd now, and now be-butterfly'd Be-shell'd, be-fiddled, magnetizing next.; Seeking amusement still, and still perplex'd.' "Every three years once came the sthips of Tarshish bringing gold and silver, and apes, and peacocks."-2 Chron. ix. If these wiseacres were to exhibit a model of the royal Jews' seraglio it,would be highly adiusing, with the apartments for his thousand belles! " VWhlere Solomon ini wisdom shines, Among his wives and concubines; A thousand only.? what a quantum To play with him at rantum-skaltum! Sutre wenches then were ten a-penny, WThen this Jew king could get so many. One should have guess'd, as gold was plenty, Ile miglht have had eighteen or twenty, B3ut suclt a posse! zounds and blood! Enough to dl ive him mad, by God. Smouch migoht be r'ich, perhaps; but qise i Oh, no! the gllost mrnay tell us liesPeacoceks and awess he might possess: But surie of wisdomi no m10an less." "Oh! we are ridiculous animals! and if angels have any fun in them, how we must divert them."-Hlorace WTaClpole. A. SAT'iIRICAL RHAPSODY 99 Through F. S. A.'s old lumber then he blunders, like Katerfelto's cat,* arnnouncing " woders!1 Bulys an old p — pot fashion'd " a la Grecqule," From Hercularneum dug, a true antique! therln purchases a cockle-shell, a ballad,t Or tries to prove fleas lobsters,: duckweed salad At night he joins the superfinre-ear'd crowd, To hear "' The Catalani" scream aloud. Next morning hurries off with great delight'ro see two blackguards, Crib and Belcher, fight' One day he runrs to runs to see a Lord Mayor's show,'The next with dogs and horses-tally-ho!~ A noble lord now lounrts the coachman's box, " Hayt, hayt!" he cries, and on the foot-board knocks A Belcher round his neck, a kidcdy smile, Thlen capes, topp'd boots, squirts thro' his teeth in style: Han-dles the ribands in a natty way; ]Proud the stage-coachman's science to display: jp(i)OI the road picks all common slang uLp, Whlich le retails amonrg his " Club of BANG-UP." A jockey, groom,-taught, knowinlg set of lords, To whom stage-fighting, noble sport affords An upper order, high bred, titled race, Who think such blackcguardism no disgrace. 0 A qiuack, or conjuror, who exlibited his tricks some years ago in Piccadilly, and boasted the wonderful sagacity of a very large black cat in his possession. Hi-s placards were alwaysS WOxDaERS. ~ The manlia for rubblish of this sort has been carried to such a pitch that five pounds have been given at a sale for an old play-bill; antiquity add.ing sucli value to useless thingsl One of the dilletantis, it is said, hai.s expended considerable sums in the purchase of a regular series of turnpilke tickets; and another in collecting old ballads, which lie has had pasted down in and alphabetical and chronological order. 4: "Fleas are not lobsters, damn their souls." See Pindar's account of Sir Joseph Banlks' endeavor to ascertain this important matter. "Our manner of hunting," says Chesterfield, "is only suitable to boobies and lumplkins; the poor beasts are pursued, and run down by mIuch grl.eater beasts than themselves. The true British foxhunter is, most undoubtedly, a.l species,apliropriated and peculiar to this country, which no other p,'art of the globe produces." 100 THE YAHOO: A bull-bait next delights,: or Cock-lane ghost,f The last found folly always pleasing most.:T A monkey-merlnaid now he runs to view!. A " living skeleton's" the next thing new. Now brother Block' comes in withl niews! Eh, what?'Why, there's a charnmiog Venus-Hottentot! Pleas'd he starts off, and stares with vacant face, Trhen hurries down to join Newmarket Race. With black-legs there of sweep)stakes he converses, Arnd bets to show his knowvledge of race-horses. "' I'll take your bet, my lord, of three to onle I lay on Slanlnmerkin:"'tis done antd dorie. Dup'd of his money, hotnle lhe steers again, And to the cockpit hastes to see the emaiz.j The amusements of the Yahoo a centutry back (before the intellect began marl'hing') correspond very mich with the lion, dog, and stalgo fighlting of the presenlt " enligltened" time. A plaeard in the time of Brsasdy NaVess, anllnoolcing bull and bearl'-biting at IHockley in tile Hole, concluides in the following words: "And a great macd bull will be turled loose in the yaid withl fireworks all over hlim, and two or three eats tied to hIis t;l.lLeonil;t iviat." t Thle poor soft coclkn1eys, s well as tile h/o/icrjJ o'ciDs, were dreadfull y terrified wihl this lhobkoblin for sevel'al weeks. The consternation bectamne generail; anlld tle glreat, PoriPoso, Wvllo was an advocate for every kind of sulpersLitiotus aumt!anerty, gave it full credence. It was also counltenanceed- (no wonder) by all tthe reverends, alld many of the nobility.-See I1cdl4pole's Coi cSlo',d eadce, vol. ii. 333. $ "Eclihanting novelty, tliat moon at ftll, That finds out every crievice of the head, That is not sound and perfect, hath in theirs Wroughl t this disturbanlce."-Cooiper. ~ This humibug served the cockney Yahoos for pro and con, several mountlhs, and even occasioned a lawsuit, being claimed by twvo owners. It was subseqllently discovered to be a eon)position. A stuffed monkey's slkin, to w7thjicll rwas attached the tale of a dried fish. {{ This infernal bloodhound sport is encouraged by Yah.oo-S calling thermselves gesstleaieie) (Corlinthiian capitals of polisled society). The following advertisement was inserted in the ilforgzing Post not long since:-" CocKING.-To be fought at the Royal Cockpit, on Monday, next, and all the week, a great subscription match; begins fighting at half-past six. Dinner on table at four. On Friday morninig, in the sanie week, will be fought a Welsil meaish* for ~50." Oh, heaven-horn Yahloo! Cliristi an nln church-goer, no10 wonder you are compared to angels in your actionls! * This cotesists in slettingl (o or 1t)0 f t' ticese poor birds to engage together, armed with steel spurs.-W-lhat a picture of hiell and deons! A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 101 Next night to Drury Lane perhaps he flies, And praises Master Betty to the skies: ~' Oh, what a genius!" he's itl rapture lost! To-morrow he's a dolt-a p g post.' But most of all, the Yahoos' chief delight Is guzzle, whether morning, noon, or night. Thtot seems their " summum bonunm," old or young; And is their morning, noon, and evening song, Tro that they fly, to save them from dull thinking, And such their veakriess, that they're proud of drinking.t For tho' their reason is so much their boast,'Iheir happiest time is when their reason's lost. This precious gift the better to display, They turn the day to night, the night to day. Witness their midncight Bacchanalian shouts, Arid vile, disgusting, swinish, drunkenl bouts! Like polecats, stinking witl tobacco smoke; With guzzle drench'd, tlien comes the song and joke. Then comes the'" tol de rol,', and " hey down derry," With "push about the glass, and let's be rnerry." - The "spreacl of intelleeet" was never more conspicuous thatn at thliS period. 5Master Betty's celebrity was wonderful, and the desire to see linm perform on tlire stage so great, thiat not a place could be secured for the first six nights. The whole town flocked to thle theatre to see a parrot-taugtlt boy make love to a woman three or four times his nage, big enlouglh to devour him, and vlwho was loolking doiwn at hinm- like the cow to Tommy Thumb. The younog Roscius, as he was called, was paid for this mummmerl ~50 per night! Johnlll Kemble, we are told, was engaged at near E40 per week at, the sarme time. A pretty moderate sumn for ranting and bellowning out a few fustian tiragedy sentences, larded with ali's and ohl's abotlt kings and queens, and such like chinaware.-See Reynolcl'.s Mlemoires. ~ "Tbe principle of aanity," says Chesterfield, "is so strong in human nature, that it descends even to the lowest objects. A man will boast, perhaps swear, thait lie has dlrunlk six or eiglit bottles of wine at a sitting: out of charity I will believe him a liar, for if I do not I mIst think him a beast." But there are thousands of lopuilai ballads cncournaging this (epravity; such as "I guzzle each lnight; till I'm carried xup stails"-"IHe that goes to bed sober," &c.; or, as Colmlean observes, "That, thlere are savilling aigllts in London town, Term'd jolly dogs-elioice spirits (alias swine) Who pour, iin midnight revels, bumpers down, MBlaking their thlloats a thioroughfare for wine." ~Broad erins. 955 1.02 2THE YAHOO: You'll see a score of " reason lords" together, Smokino the "devil's weed"* in sultry weather! Stalrk blinld to Chesterfield, and all his graces,t They puff-out clouds in one another's faces: Each adding to the vile, infernal smother, As if they meant to stifle one another! Itf sulphur waias but added to the smell, It justly mi ht be call'd a little hell.I Oh, Jaminie, Jaminmie! what would'st thou have said, If thou had'st seen a hell like this display'd? Tly1x hair, no doubt, would at the horrid sight, Have push'd thy cap off, and stood bolt upright! Trho' for a Solomon thou once didst pass, Thy proper title sllould be Royal Ass. To write arnd rail against the devil's weed, Proves thee an ass in grain, of long-ear'd breed. S io called by Ki.ng James, the first crowned lubber who was dubbed " sacred." "-'Remember the gcraccs, for witlhout tlem e "ogni fatica e vana."Adieu: "Les graces, les graees."-Ch(lestefeld's Letters.: "Surlely smoke becomes a kitchen much better thlan a dinirnoclhamber, andl yet it imalkes a lkitchen oftentimes in the inward parts of men, soilitng and inlfectiing them with an unctuous and oily kind of soot;, as hatlh been found in some great tobacco-smnokers, that after their deat.l wvere opened." —l. Jcmes's C'oulter6blast to qbbacco. "What a vast traffie is drove, wlhat a variety of labor is performed in the world, to the maintenance of thousands of families, that altother depend on two silly, if not odious customs-the takiing of snulff and snmoking of tobicco; both of whiclh, it is certain, do infinitely more harm tllan (ood to those who are addicted to thelm."-irfctdeZ!ille's Search ilto Society. "Pass where Nre -may, thro' city or thro' town, Village or hanmlet of this meirry land, Tlho' lean and beggai'd, every twentieth pace Conducts th' ullguuarded nose to such a whiff Of stale debauch, forth issuing fromn the styes That law has licens'd, as makes temp'rance reel. Thllere sit involv'd, and lost in curling clouds Of Indian fume, and guzzling deep, the boor, The lackey and the groom; the craftsman there Takles a Lethean leave of all his toil; Smnith, cobbler, joiner, lie that plies the sienars, And lie that kneads the dough; all loud alike, All lerrned, and nall (dril"iuk.'-f7o',l/e'. A SATIRICAL RHIAPSODY, 103 Couldst thou not guess that when thy subjects smoked, Unless supplied with swill, they'd soon be chok'd? Atnd that a petty tax upon nmalt liquor, Would bring so0mle millions into thy exchequer!" And llillions, all mlust own, are charming things, To swell the pockets of poor needy kiings Nor should the Yahoo's gambling be forgot, The sure resource of every knave and sot. Thousands of males and females spend the nighr;, In shuffling paclks of cards-their dear delight! All sorts, all classes, are engaged in play, Aind so deprav'd, they shun the light of day.'1'is now a maister vice, and thrives so well, That every house is, more or less, a " HELL." Not for low gaming, they scorn petit jes,'Trnust be piq?.uant, or else it will not do. Hence Croclford's dashing palaces arise, T'o lure rich fools, and dazzle greenhorn's eyes; Where gudgeons are urged on to make a dash, By sharks who diddle'el and get their cash. Yes, these are " reason's lords," the strutting race, Who boast their fornl divine, and heav'nly grace!'lTheir faculties perxerted, prove their curse,t And what was bad before, they make still worse. * The sumss produced to the revenue b)y taxes upon tlce swill of the Yahloo surpasses belief. With the additional one of tobacco, which appertains as a stiimulus to drunkenness, tihe amount is firomn ten to twselve millions per annum! No wonder so many sot's holes are seen in every direction. "The excise is fattened with the rich result Of all tiis riot, and ten thousmand casks For ever d:tibblion out their base contents, Toucl'(l by tihe Miidas finger of tile state, Bleed gecld for ministers to sport away."-Cowjper. f "But when a erea:'ure pretending to reason," my master said, ('could be guilty of sutei enortmities, lhe dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than brutality itself. I-e seemed, therefore, confident, that instad of reason, we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase our natural vices; as the reflection fiomaa a Troubled streanm returns thle image of an ill-shapen body, not only!Jiceger, but more cdiestorertedS." vt/. 104 THE YA100: To make their own affliction more secure, Establish laws of primogenilture; By which my lord brings up one cob in state, And leaves the rest to curse their ragged fate. Then, lest Old Nick should envy their condition, Add to their other curses Superstition!* The first deprives them of their daily bread, The latter damns them after they are dead.Not all the plagues Pandora's box let out, Which ever since to curse us, swarm about, Are half so bad as what these purblind elves, These "'lords, of reason" bring upon themselves.t Some say the Fates, indeed, like ill-spun toads, Send us all plagues and troubles by cart-loads.~ That block or hanesnter we are doomed to be; Tlhumpn or be thuszpc'd's our wretched destiny: * ",La superstition," says HIIelvetins, "est une sourcee empoisonnde, d'ou sont sortis tons les malheurs, et les calamites de la terre." 3 The heavy curses of primogeniture and superstition stick to the poor Yahoo like a pitch plaster, and keeps his snout to the grindstone to the end of his existencee. By the former he is lkept, fiom the extreme inequality of property it occasions, in a state of servitude approaching to slavery and starvation'; and by the latter (called religion) rendered an idiot, fed upon moonshine, and cajoled out of the good tlings in this world, upon an assurance of receiving a hundred fold in another, from a juIggling tribe of impostors, who know no more of another world thanl the beagles they tally-ho -with, or the fox they so heroically gallop after, and rwhose motto oug1ht to be that on the sundial-"ig'noro quod docdo." The Yahoo, howevelr, in return, is rewarded with the prosing of a "jack in the box" about the wonde rful dispensations and goodness of Providence, antd gratified withl the trumpeters' gaudy laced jackets, with which he oug'ht to be satisfiedand say, as he does over his mutton, "the Lord make us truly thankful." t "MAoral evils are of out' own mnlaking, and undoubtedly the greater part of thetn may be prevented."-Sontlhey's Colloquies. "I amn convinced," says Lord BSyron, "that mIen do more harm to thenmselves tlan ever the devil could do to them." " And feeble suff'rers groan, \Witlh brnin-born evils all their own." "And whlatsoever we perpetrate, WVe do but r'ow, we're steer'cd by Fate."-Hoadtib'as. A SATIRICAL RtHAPSODY. 105 Predestin'd all to good, or else to evil; One to Jehovah, fifty to the devil. What, then, are YAHoos thus comnpell'd to be,'rlle instrumernts of their own misery?' Oh, no! pride, envy, misery, and ambition, Have brought " God's imatge" to this sad condition. Greedy as death, the universal cry, Is gold! more gold'! incessanlt till they die: Arid could they utter words when laid in dust, More gold! their li vid lips would utter first. Drain Mexico of gold, bring all Peru; Insaitiate still, they hovwl for Timbuctoo. Gold is the god the Yahoos all adore!'Tllere's no one criminal unless he's poor Should Christ himself but visit thlis proud town, And ride his ass in Blrodway up anrd down, -The present, tho}ugh a Bible reading race, Woulld shunr him, or else giggle in his face:t While one, perchance, amonl the happy crowd, T'(, rn-ltiTfy the rest, mighlit bawl aloud, (When they had tvio'g'd him thrllouh his glass);'God danimme, Jack, Iere's Sancho on his ass! Zounds, what a quizz!''" The belles, too, in a fright, Would tulmble into fits at such a siglit. For pelt' they sciamble, gold's the giraind pursuit, For gold they'll ranlsack earth, and hell to boot;Q Whatever's the )retext, that is still the aill;'The gen'ral cry is'" chactin pour soi-mngme." *,' Why chalrle manitliid on heavenl thlleil own offence, And call their woes the crites of Plrovidence? Blimli; whio t;hlenselves thleir miseries create, And perish by theirlfolly Iiot their fate."-Doddslcey J. "They're now so plonud, that should they meet Tlie thwelve apostles in thle street, They'd turn tlieii nose ulp at ther all, And shove their Savior' friom tlih wall."-Czur2cldll.: "H-Iear London's voice-' G.et money, rmoney still, And then let virltue follow if she will:' Still, still be getting, never, never rest."-FPoo e. ! 0; XTI,: AHHoO A All pull and haul, and kick, and cuff, and grapple, The worst hog always getting the best apple. See Sir James Grub, absorb'd in deep-laid schemes, Gold haunts his thoughts all day, all night his dreams. Possess'd of half a million, still he's poor, And saves a penny to increase his store;* Give him the hide and tallow for his pains, He'll whip a louse a mile, and boast his gains, In thrifty maxiis he displays his wit, "Get what you can, and hold fast what you get." He'll tell you with an oily canting tongue, M3 [ian wants but little here, and that not long;"t The', froam his gripiing, it appears As if he thought to live a thousand years. Did Adam in his garden covet riches? AVhy zounds! lihe wasn't worth a pair of breeches!t There were no " chapeaux-bras" for Mister Adam, Nor fringe, nor furbelow,~ to deck his madam! * "'Sir FJames Lowtlher, after changing a piece of silver in St. George coffee-llouse, and paying twopence for Iiis dcish of coffee, was help-ed inito llis cInariot (for lie was then very lame and infirmn), and proceeded lhome: a short time after lie returned to the house, oii purpose to acquaint the woman who kept it that she had giveni hirm a bad halfpenny, atnd demlanded another in exchange for it. Sir James lhad abolut fortyv thousand pounds per annlum, and was at a loss whorm to appoillt his Ileir.".Dr. ".ing's Aneccotes. Moritaigne observes, "De vray ce n'est pas la disette, c'est plut6t l'aboidatice qui produit l'avarice." i The whlirie of every discontented growling Yahoo, although his factitious wants are gratified every hour in the day, and who requires the I;swo extremes of the globe to be ransacked before he can sit down to his breakfast. t "Time wtas, when clothing, sumptuous or for use, Save their own painted skins, our sires had none. As yet black breeches were not; sath smooth, Or velvet soft, or plush with shaggy pile."-Cowsper. ~ According to the old catch, however, the lady rwas provided with this ornament"Adanm catch'd Eve by the fur-below; And that's the oldest catch I know." It does not seem probable, every thing considered, that Mister Adam A' sAT'rIrCAL RIIAPSOgDYo 107 They never dreamed of concerts, balls, or routs, But xwxrapp'd their bottoms up in fig-leav'd clouts;*'Fill great Jehovah mlade them skinl surtolots,tThiat they miglh-t lo-ok more like their fellow-brutes. But what's this scramble for? what object's gain'd? Is real happiness thereby attain'd? A million may be g-ain'd by negro gangs, Who,jroan beneath church-going Christians' fangs, Yet bring with it remorse, tho' juggling priests Say, negroes unbaptized are only beasts; And pious rumi-and-sugar dealing knaves, ProvNe from their, Bible, " niggers should be slaves;T Since Moses says, that Noah (an old Jew) Got fuddled now and then (as Christians do),,would have spun out hi.s existence to a much longer period (only 930 yearls) if the siicked oze Ihad not seduced his rib, nor he have munched hle peepias, at least if we give credence to the Italian proverb"Herba crcudeh, Donna ignuda, E deolrir a piaino terra, Alamada l'uomo sotto terra." And waliat else could lie boast of in his blessed state? In an Elnglishl Biblel (1615) are the following words: "And they sewvedl up fig leaves together, and made themselves b6eeclhes."-Genesis iii.-See Jcldibres. t "Unlto Adam and h}is wife [diid they jump oyer a broomstick?] did the Lord make coats of skins [whalit skinls?], and clothed them."-Gen. aii. Pretty devils, no doubt., thley must have appeared in their bearlskin wrap-rascals! I-low comes it this precious pair of originals are never represented in our paintings dressed in these eminently beautifiil jackets, which they must hlave undoubtedly been, having been cLt otut by the great Jehovah hliinself, to whomn the great Stultz can not be supposed worthy of holding a candle? And is it not greatly to be regretted that the patterns of such mnagnificent dresses have not been preserved (as the particulars and diimensions of Noah's ark have) for the benefit of the fashionable puppies andi their dolls; as they then migllt have swaggered and strlutted " comme il faut," and'muzapeed the rabble with'a good grace.': "IMr. Canning one dclay quoted the Bible to sanction Christian,slanvry, and iMr. Wilberforce had but little to say in replyo And was 4Ci:liesc crucified that black men might be scourged? If so, he had better been born a mulatto, to give both colors an equal chance of freedom, or at least of salvation."-Byroz. 108 T'HE'YAHOO: And in that state was by his son discover'd, Laying pig fashion, N with his -- uncover'd;j VWho, grinning like an unliclk'd cub, exclaim'd, " Oh, fie, papa! you ought to be asham'd! You tipple, and get pogey with your wino, And then lie naked, sprawling like a swine." But Mister Ham's joke with his Pa-alas! A black-joke prov'd, for lo! "it canme to pass," Trhat for his graceless prank his generation, By black skins should betray their degradation:.: Since when, the woolly-headed, flat-nosed race, Have been with white-skinn'd Yahoos in disgiace;~ WVho, the' they flog them, save their precious souls By baptism, or they'll go to hell in shoals.i[ But let's suppose that Rumpuncheon comes From negro-driving with a brace of "plhums:"'rhe ill-got wealth but seldom brings content; For ostentation it is chiefly meant. His pride, parade, and pomp, and puff, and swell, And vice and folly, how it's squander'd tell. Profusion comes with glitter, show, and glare, And color'd lamps, to make the rabble stare; x4 "The little pigs lay with their...... bare."-Old Bcllcd. ~ "And he (Noanl) dran'k of the wine and was drunken, and lie was uncovered within his tent. An.d l aln, the father of Canaan, saw the nakecldness of his father."-Gen. ix. t. "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew-v whlat his younger son had done unto him." [What had hlie done?] "And he said, cursed be Canaan, a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren."-Gen. ix. True Bible justice! the father in fault, and the children all cursed for it. "H e finds his fellow gulilty of a skin N-ot color'd like his own, and having pow'r T' enforce the wro-ng, for such a worthy cause, Dooms and devotes him as his lawful prey."-Cooiper. ii "Happy, thrice happy, now the savage race, Since Europe takes their gold and gives thena grace!" O7h.ichill. A. SATIRICAL RHAPSODY.' 109 While ev'ry thing that's dear or ugly's bought, And sphinxes, and sarcophaguses sought!' With costly toys the mansion soon abounds, The lady's necklace cost ten thousand pounds!t Baubles of all sorts cram each vacant space, And dizen'd lacqueys all bedaubed with lace. T'hen a grand rout! what exquisite delight To make a thund'ring through the Square all night! T'llree or four hundred fools, or mad folks rather, To sip slop tea and ices, squeeze together; Who at the door make such a horrid din, As if all Bedlam wanted to get in!+ "tMain's rich witl little were his judgment true, Nature is frngal, and her wants are few; Tlhose few wants answered, bring sincere delights; But fools create themselves new appetites: RFancy and pride seek things at. vast expense, Which relish not to reason or to sense."-Younzy. "Hunger, thirst, and nakedness, are the first tyrants that force us to stir; afterward our pride anld sloth, sensuality and fickleness, are the greeqt patrons tlat 1pronrote all arts and sciences, trades and callings." -l3l~adeville's Searoch ianto Srociety.' AVho could suppose that such arn enormous sum could ever be delnmanded for a string of baubles, to hang round the neck of a female Yahoo? It is however certain that a necklace of that estimated value was purloinedl, a few years since, froel thle shop of MI~essrs. Rundle & Br1idge, and a grealt rewvard offered for the recovery. Yet ~10,000 at the present day seems nothing, since within the last year or two we have heard a trinket of the sam'e sort, belongoinrg to tlhe Princess of Orang'e, wais jilchcld ("conveyed," the wise call it,) at Brussels, worth only ~S0,000. Goesornaity has blessed the Yahoo with wvisdlom to some purpose! Voltaire srrpposes tile two Ilundrled snippings, called foreskins, which holy David, like a gallant suitor, brougigt King Saul, were strlrung on a p.ack-thread, and inrtended for a neclklace for the fair Miss MIiclirl, hiis datiglter. Tire Lord's anointed (her daddy) had irndeed only deIanded one hlundrled as tile price of the lady; but David generously brirrgs double thIe numrober recquired, unwilling she should be deficient in such precious rieknacks for the orarnament of her person, or toilette. t It is a part of the etiquette of these moon-stricken assemblages tfo make as much noise ais possible witll tile knocker at tihe stieet-door, whiich is rattled witlr all the fury of a frenzie(l ]unatic for about Ihalf a miirurte upon thle arlrival of every carriage'; and if thiree or four pnrties arrive at the same time, they are let in separately, the door shut, and tlhe horrible thundering at the knocker repeated by each, by whlihi the 10 110 THE YAHOO( Now crowdinl, pushirig, treading on a corn; And shawls, and scarfs, and gauze, and muslins torn: While screw'd-up dolls and dandies, daub'd with paint, Have all their laces cut, or else they faint.* And then what pleasure next day to peruse, A pufl'd-up, paid-for statement in the News! " L;ldy Rumpunchl eon's rout, and grand displayt Of all the rank and fashion of the day. With all the delicacies of the season" (Tlie puffer knows what sort of cant is pleasing).: Viola high life, the ton among the great The folls possessing " plums," who live in state \lWhat' march of mind!" for an enlighten'd nation! V,lhat cagllnag stuff for " lords of the creation!"% u1})roariionIs (-in is continued for hours together, to tile greaft delighJt of' lte neiraiboLos, rwho ave all tarred withl the same stielc, and highly aulseod vithl I]his "hell I)roke loose" racket. To heigllten the absaur(litr, thee rotit-ivers send their empty carris ges round the next mornilsi, wit hl a footmanl, and cards of compliments, and inquiry after the welfare of the parties who honored their "]iltle St. Luke's" thle prece(litlg evening! Oh, iwhlat happiness to exist in sucll a truly enlightened age! —See _DO n Jace, canto ix., stanza G7. ~ The lacing- up these be-whiskered, cigar-smoking puppies, is a modern refinement in dress, supposed to contribute to the elegance of the YThoo's slitape (pretty dears!) and is an indubitable proof of the so imuch boasted march of intellect. That she dolls, who are r-illiners, or pIiest-governed from the cradle to the coffin, should give way to suchl silliness is not to be wonderled at —but, for great long-legged, blra wny-backed lubbers to affect suchl molly-coddle, contemptible effelinlacy, is most disgraceful! "Fops at all corners, lady-like in mien, Civetted puppies, smelt cre they are seen."-Torociniu2. ~ "This lady glories in profuse expense, A nd thinks distracttion is magnificence."- Youlng. $ See this conteimptible sort of puffing happily ridiculed in a burlesque expose of a Blowlandder street rout in Bulliana. "But the long pomp, the midnighlt masquerade, AWit,;h all the freaks of vwanton wealth -arrlay'd; In these ere trifleers half their wish obtain, The toiling pleasure sickens into pain' And e'en while fashion's brighltest arts decoy, The heart distilsting, asks if this be joy?"-Goldcssiith. A SAI'TTntICAL tI tAPSOD'Y, 1'1 By loyalty and highborn blockheads bred* (WVhen a fish stinks,'tis first aboutthe head), Descenrldin thlen to cits and plebs it goes, And over all the tide of folly flows,t Reachlilg at last the " nultitude of swine," Who in lici turn have routs! and stink and shine.T Such is the blessed Christian Yahoo race, Who, whitewashed in lamab's blood, abound in grace: Stuch is the saint-like crew; who talk of heaven, Tho' all infected with the devil's leaven. A gospel-porilng, canting tribe, who boast Of fellowship (God bless us) with a ghost!{ A sacramene tal, 1pure, craw-thumping herd, All saved by faith, thio' Jesus Christ their Lord: Who lie, and trick, and cozen all the week,iI And on the Lord's day go the Lord to seek. See Don Juecr canto x,, stanza 85. "Oh, lMrs. Fryt' t- "But, lo! the fatal victor of manlkind, Swoll'n lcxy/!-ppslte ruin stalks behind!"-Essay on Satire. $ "Increase of power begets increase of wealth; Weatelth luxtiry, and luxury excess;,Excess, tile scIofulas and itctly plague, Thlat seizes filst tile opulent, descends To the next rank contagious, and in time Taints downwa rdii l'1 tie grladuated scale Of or'der from the cliariot to the plougli."-Coowper.. "And the fellowvship of ttle Holy Ghost be -with you all evermore." -Lit t gy. "Two gods divide them all-pleasure and gain: For these they live. Lust in their hearts And mischief in tlieir hands, they roam the earth To prey upon eachl otller."-Coespler. It is not long since one of the petty African kings said, "he would send tiis son to England, to learn to read boolk, and be great rogue." This negro had formed no incorrect opinion of the civilization wlhich lie had seen, and of the edtctatiolt whlich is given in the school of tricde! -So;cthey's Colloqstes. "W hen you have seen a little of the wnorld," says Sir Walter Scott, "vou will then be no stragler to tlte policy of life, which deals in'sitsing anid countermlninic." TIle real opinion the Yahoos entertain (f one anothle' is pretty evidently shown by their always requiring fatizsped receipts in their respective payments. Why demand legal 112 THE YAHOO: At church, and tell him in a whining tone, That they have dlone th/i2ng,. they should lot have done.* (All which he knew before, but that's no matter, He's pester'd weekly with their pious patter),t Inrform him, in their silly, gabbling way, That they have, lilie lost muttons, gone astray. (" Muttons!" Jehovah cries, when this he hears, GC Od rabbit'em, they're asses, wvolves, and bears.") Invoke the Lamb, " t/at tak es away their sitls,"T Beg for dry bread, but long for greasy chills, (As if the Lord had nothinlg else to do But bake them bread!-they'll ask him next to brew! And add by way of rider to their pray'r, That he will please to send them better fare).< Told by the parson whatsoe'er they want, If ask'd devoutly for, the Lord xvill grant,l[ And thus encourag d, such bold-fac'd humngrliffins May next beg tea, and toast, and butter'd muffins! bindincg while tlhey have such higlil opinions of each other's integrity anrd prlineiples? Is iot this indubitable proof, notwithstanding tle bla'rney they so liberally bestoow upon one another, tlh(at tlhey can not be trusted? Swift says in a letter to Dr. Sheridan, "Y You should thlink every man a rogue, but not tell him so.": The cdoing of thitys, and leaving of tliiiigs?indo1e, formil part of tihe so nmuc1l admired litl'rgy, which is lheld upl), by tile craft, as the finest and llost sublime comlposition that swas ever given to a benighted world for the edification of enlightened Yahlioos. f One should suppose the great Jellovah, every Sunday morning, when he awoke, and recollected the day, would call to Gabriel to keep tli,e doolms nT-d slftlters close, thlat he mioight; not be bored with the hotlrible din of the Christian Ylahoos about the carpenter's soI and the Ghiost;. Or say, as Qtiiii used to his man, on very gloomy morlnings, "Call mr to-morrow, Jolhn." } "Oh, Lamb of God, thnat takest away the sins of the world."g A little boy, who scarcely ever tasted any thing but dry bread and potatoes, repeatino his prayers one day, said, "3aMamty, mayn't I ask Godamighty for a little bit of cheese to-day " tl "Anda dost promiise that when two otr threi cte le gatlhered togetller ill tlyv name, th.ou wilt graint their requests." Whly, the]n, do these gulls flock in such c'owds to tlleir slop-shlops, and sat such an expense and loss of time, when thiey could hiave whatever they vwished for by a little gossiping assemblage ill the name of the Lord at home? SATAIRICAL RHAPSODY. 113 Or (heedless of the great Jehovah's trouble), Request some day a dish of squeak alod bubble! Oh, great Jehovah! how art thou beset, Do not these Yahoos put thee in a sweat? No wonder thou shouldst grieve for having made'em, They've plagued thee ever since the days of Adam. Tho' in a horse-pond thou hast soused one litter, The present brood seem very little better. Cou!ldst thou not frorn thy prescience see at first, They'd turn out rubbish, being made of dust?t Provolk'd to wrath, how often hast thou sworet That they should never enter thy street door. When did they ever heed thy oaths or threats? Not even while they were thy darling pets: And shouldst thou send down stairs again a Ghost, With CHIP to mend'em,'twould be labor lost. Their actions show that Nick's their sov'reign lord, They neither mind thee, nor thy holy word. Hadst thou not twice the patience of poor Job, Thou'dst doff thy golden crown and day-light robe,~ Slip on thy thick-soled shoes, and come-and lkick'em, Or send the angel Gaby down to lick'emr; A good sound drubbing for such mumping scrubs, Might chance to cure them of the mulligrubs. But if' they slhould not mend by kicks arld thumps, Clap Lord 1IMonboddo's tail upon their rurmps;11 They'd then be (tails would so improve the bleed) The "' paragon of animals" indeed.*A "And it repented the Lord that ile had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart."-Genesis vi. 1 "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground."Genesis ii. i " Unto whom I sware in my wrath that they should not enter into my rest."-Psalm xcv. g "ith light, as a robe, Thou hast thyself clad."-Psalm civ. 1[ "Lord Meonboddo supposed the humann race were originally furnished with tails, wlich lhave been worn away by their sitting so 1much UpOnI them." 10 114 T-IE A H- 0 ): Suclh strutting', puff'd-up, self-conceited buzzards, Fastilg, or full, still grumbliug in their gizzards; Such squabby, tadpole, gut-and-garbage creatures! Soine (theo' all boast their angel form and features!) With such rotundity of paunch and bottom, They'll make the devil jack-weights, when he's got'em With precious souls, tag, rag, and bobtail cramm'd; Exulting at the risk of being damn'd!t Such bloated buffos, boasting immortality, Without an atom's weighlt of rationality. Search thro' the universe )you'll never trace A more ridicullous or vicious race. Whlatever other planets may possess Of living animals, we're left to guess; But none in fifty worlds you'd ever find, Who were to vice and folly more inclin'd.t And if to Paradise the Yahoos go, And I wvere ask'd to enter, I'd cry No: Lilke the poor negro, who when tortur'd said,Q 6 Massa, you go to'ebben when you dead?" Wo'uld not the massive members of the cllhuch (as Lord Byron styles ther-), as well as Alderman Paunch, Lord Gundygut, Lady Fou]firlria, and some others of highl degrree, answer very well for this pt)rpose, and turni the Devil's meat-spits round merrily if they were tied neck and heals togetlhelr f "So excessive is Ihuman vanity," says Lord Bolingbroke, "that althlloeglh it, is adrlitterl that nine outa of ten are damned, yet immortalit:y is the boast, and the risk of hell-fire disregarded." " —-- 4 whelrreo to rampant vigor grown, Vice chlokes up) every virtue, whetre, self-sown, The seeds of folly shoot forth rank and bold, And every seed brings forth a hundred fold."-OChlrczill. ~ The tortures inflicted on these peoo creatures, as well as on the Calriths and Marl'coos, thle aboriginles of the West India Islands, exceed.ll c'elit diliil; -, a11nd clill the blood by a reeital; but Christians, with thie Bil,/e inl tlheir hands, are self-justified in committing the most ho'rilde blalrbarities: they are serving the Lord by smiting the heatlhens, whicl covea s an'ld autlhorizes every species of wickedness arnd crelty, annd stifles every feeling of humanity. Smollett, speaking of a ininsurreetior of thie negro slaves of Jamaica, in the year 1760, says, "After they wer-e subidued, they waere put to death by a variety of tortures. Some were hangired, some behieaded, some burrned, and some fixed alive upon gibbets. One of these last lived eiglht days and eighteen hours, A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 115 " Yes, you black dog~, I shall." " Oh, very well," Poor Sambo cries, "den, me go lib in hell." CONCLUSION. Now, who to patients in this curst condition, Would ever be adviser or physician? In their derang'd obnoodle-headed state,t Try but to cure them —your reward's their hate. I[ike pigs that in a dirty puddle lie, They take delight to wallow in their sty; And he who tries to pull them out will get, As'Esop's gard'ner did, his fingers bit.j suspended under a vertical sun, without being refreslled by one drop of watfel, or ieceiving any manner of sustenance. Nutbers of these poor cleatrlaes esefpedl to the mountains and woods, and killed tlhemnselves iin despir.-i Histor of tgiladcdl, vol. v., p. 160. Oh, blessed anid holy Cliristian slave-drivers! well, are ye entitled to a place ini Al)ralliam's bosom i "Preachllee and flogg'ee," that's your sort. Thlere's a Clilistlia. plarson always ready to absolve ye: hotliing's required but f.aith in your blessed Redeclzccr. "In vTin you talk to thl1e1 of shadles belowr Tley fear no Ihell but where tile Christians go." —De Foe. { Obaioodle-headed! Impossible! What! so wise a race as the Yahoos? whlo were 2,000 yeas's in finding out, the right way to tlurn the halndle of a spooin. It; should be obizvsbilatecl, no doubt-the Rhinocereios, as he was cofnlomilnated (to use his own expression) by Tomn Davis, would, excelpting when lie wisiled to express himself in crt,' lu:ive adl)ted obnubilalted, offuscated, obumbrated, or somte long-tailil sesqliipedale to denote stnpidity. The grent doctor's bombast was lilver more Iialppily ridiculed than by Peter Pindar, who says lie gives "A p1yramid's importance to a pin; On ev'ry tliheme alike his pompous art, The geii'ral confllgration, or a...."-Beizev. Ep iJstle. ~ "Now lie's a fool who never thinks Of imeddling' with an ass: The doctot's ovwn slang. 11 C6 TH-TE AHO(O: Religion's f'renzy has,'tis very plain, Contaminated every Yahoo's blain.' Are Chesterfield's illcurablest now mended? Oh, no! his hospital is mtuch extended. The world is one huge Bedlam, there's no doubt, A few call'd Mlssidle patients —-millions o0st.4 Blackmore affirmed that all mankind were mad,O Some slightly so, some worse, some very bad. And as in ev'ry class, and ev'ry station, There's what pig Johnson i calls concatenation, The more you stir, the more its stinks, In every dir ty case." —Tin Bobbi., "Society," says the Larlreat (before he smelt the sack), "'may, with great propriety, be comparedC to an ass that kickls those who attempt to relieve it of its burden."-Letters firo' SIpaiMi. And thle same tune sings the Xez iti1otlsthly 3Ifcgcazihze. "With priests rennt and rave about sin, WVitlih ick's kitelehen underground frighten; With mountebanks make tile mob grin, Do every thinig but enlighten. I-e that aimns at enlightening only out doles An ophthalmie driug to a nation of moles."' "The histoi v of Christians and of Chllistianity is _altoget;1her, and withlout exception, a history of madmen andlC lulnacy."-Pe'ry's Defenece. t The "Hospital of Inculables," wavs Lord Cllesterfield's classical and appropriate denomination of the Corinthian capitals, alias the House of Lords. "If you knew -lhat a hopeless and lethargic den of dullness and drawling our hospoital is during a debate, and whlat a mass of corrluption in its patienlts, you would wonder not that I very seldoml speak, but that I ever attempted it."-Loird Byuroi acsd his Coiltescporareies.. "Our world," says Lord Bolingbroke, "seems to be, in Iany respects, thle Bedlam of every other system of intelligent creatures." -Phlilosopl2ical Essrc/s. Of whlict opinion is also Voltaire. "Le mondle est lun grand Bedlam oil des Fous enehalinent dautres Fous." — Pot Po01 rri. Erasmus hardly excepts any. "Presque tous les hommes," he observes, "sont Fous: (a quoi bon ce preSqeGe? il Il'y a pas uni seul hlommn e qui n'extravague de plus d'une manidre:) ils seont done tous semblables en ee point h]." —Ercesme siu? Ia Folie. See Sir Richar.d Blacklmore on the Spleen. I "WVhy, I pray you, is not tlhe pig, and the great, acnd the huge, all on1 e." —F/'e.il.. is. A SATIRICAL RHAPSODY. 117 Connectedf by some circumstance or other, There's no Mad Tom but sdon he finds a brother. WVell-since the whole's a mass of half-craz'd things, Lords, beggars, fools, pickpockets, priests, nnd kings, With nondescripts of all sorts out of' number, W/e'll class them altogether as live lumber, And recommend it as the wisest thirng, Trhat they should play the Jool, and dance and sing; And tho' with hell-fire threatened, if they frisk it, Defy Blacli Jack, arnd all his imps, anrd risk it; Bunt if, while they were capering and leaping,* The old grim rascal should by chance be peeping; Provided with a good strong casting-net, What a choice draught of Yahoos l-ie would get! Exulting, no doubt, Blackey then would bawl, " Odd zounds and blood! but here's a glorious haul! Except in war time I but seldom catch So many of these shabrags at a batch. * Mtessrs. Beelzebub and Co. are commissioned by the saints to lay violent hands on all the capering tribe whenever.they can catch them. Saint Augustin, a saint of the first class, consigns all such wicked sinneys over to thle Old One,.saCts ceremlO2lie. "The mIiserable dancer," exclaims tile ranting Bedlamite, "knows not that as many paces as lie inaketh in dancing, so many iecpj.s lie maketh in hell." Another of tlhese holy twattlers, Jerome, a saint also of great renowrn, tells us that "the very touchl of a wanton is worse than the bite of a miad dog." And does not thie great saint of saints, Paul, the head of the gang, and favorite spouter of the godly snufflers, tell us, that "it is good for a man not to touch a wolman." —1 Cob. vii. No wonder the petticoat tribes are all so priest-ridden, and dangle so after the parsols everywhere, to whrlom they alwavs seem ready to lie down before they are asked even to sit. A ranlting evaingelical, preaching upon the text, "It is good for a man not to touch a wolnan," concluded by, saying, "And now, my beloved, let noe remind you of the sill of incontinence, which will lead you to destruction. Satan's most powerful arms are women; do not damn yourselves for such silly things. Beware of tile bottoelIess pit. Recollect the apostle's advice, and touch not a "All flesl is grass,"'tis very true, alas! But then a woman's flesh is scurvy grass! X 11 T i~ THE Y~AHOO: One might suppose that I had risen to-day, Lik'e MIadame Plullp, a. e upward as they say.* Poor Yahoos! aye, aye, ye may well look glum, You're holy water sprinkling's all a hum. No forty-parson power can set you free, You're Lamb and Pigeon won't bamboozle me; If you thinkl fudge-like that can save your bacon, You're John ny-raws, and damnnably mistaken; T'o my den under ground you all must go, And shake your trotters in the shades below;t Where, since you're all to capering so inclined, Both choice and cheap you'll cat-gut scrapers find. A oll/)S done, ragamuffirls! scalper, trot, Perhaps you'll find my kitchen rather hot; BIut pluck up courage, you'll have neighbors' fare, You'll meet with millions of your cornrogues there; For tho' ye're pupp'd wit.h an immortal soul, Nineteen in tiwe ty come to my darkl hole;L dI At]/nsccerl.Cl-" Well, she had good luck to draw Toml Plump into wedlock —slle Iis with her a..e upward." l'liss lArevrerou.-"Fie, madalm! what do you mean?" Lady SnorLt.-" 0, Miss!'tis nothing what we say among ourselves." Polite Cosnversation. T Since the Devil is allowed by Milton to crack his jokes when his eannon-l alls are knocking the angels one over the otller like ninepins, he Inay fairly be alloned a little jocularity on the present occasion, when he lehas nabbed so mnany of the Yahoos by a coup-de-maitre. " —--------— (- (do wn' they fell By thousands, angel on archangel roll'd. ----- 2Satan belleld thleir plight, And to his notes thus in derision called01h, friends, whyl come not on these victors proud? Ere while the fierce were coming -- straight they cihanrg'd their minds, Flew off, and into stranTre vagaries fell, As they would dance; yet for a dance they seem'd Solmewa hat extravaganl t an d wild."-Paradise -Lost.: "Cilhristians do vil nmally attribute to the Devil an empire mulch -ore extensive than tliat of the Supreme Being. The latter with difficulty saves a few elect, while the former carries off in spite of 1him tlie greater part of ilkind, who listenll to hlis destructive temptations rather than to the absolute commatnlds of Godl."-h.istieeity Jz;veiled A SATIRICAL RtlpC-OD'n. 119 Your I godlike' qualities, so much your boast, Are' all my eye,' when here ye come- to roast. Jehovah's made ye, any one may see, Not for himself; oh, no, ye're made for me."5'The sooty rascal, then, perhaps, miglht take His passage home across the "level lake," And landing with his cargo safe and sound, Sl1oot'em all in his cellar, underground; While all his imps would come in troops and sing, Long life to Beelzebub, their noble king! * From the immense and countless number of Yahoos' souls (whatever they may be made of) that are daily and hourly arriving with passports for the devil's territories, he is certainly justified in making this assertion, and exulting over the poor lost muttons. The black gelntleman, no doubt, reads the holy book sometimes, "pour s'amuser," land there findls his boundlaries are to 1,e enlarged,* from which lihe nltul' llv ny will dlaw the above inferend:e, ancl look for hIis subjects twenty or thirty abreast; and not "en ile" through Sambo's "narrow paff," which he told his brodder niggere, "leadeff to ebbenly moosic, and ebbery ting dem like." T "Therefore, hell hath enlarged herself, and opened her mouthl without inmcifs uIre."-Isaiah v. TIHE END. TEE YAHOO! a Satilrical Rhapsody. By, the author of the Great Dragon Cast Out. "Thle Yahloo is very witty'and clever. The satire is brload, and carries humor farther even thlln Dean Swift carried it. Its cuts at public men are very cleveri; and the.author is certainly not a friend to clerical aggressions.'" —Sulnldcy londoa Despactch.