d Ci r I,iA'' ji z 4 wl,l, P'D TO, WE.:3 31' I ij c,~~~~~~~~~~~m rL,, Z~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/6 SKETCHES BY BOZ, ILLUSTRATIVE OF EVERY-DAY LIFE AND EVERY-DAY PEOPLE. B? THE AUTHOR OF THEE PICKWICK PAPERS," "OLIVER TWIST, AND'NICHOLAS NICKLEBY."' NEW EDITION, COMPLETE. PHILADELPHIA: PUBLISHED BY GETZ, BUCK & CO. 1 8 5 2. Printed by T. L & P. G. Collins. ADVERTISEMENT. THE following pages contain the earliest productions of their Author, written from time to time to meet the exigencies of a Newspaper or a Magazine. They were originally published in two series; the first in two volumes, and the second in one. Several editions having been exnausted, both are now published together in one volume, uniform with the " Pickwick Papers," and "Nicholas Nickleby." London, May 15, 1839. THIS American edition contains " The Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble," and "The Pantomime of Life," by Boz,sketches published by the Author since the above collection was issued. Philadelphia, August, 1839 m) LIST OF EMBELLISHMENTS. Frontispiece.................................,..o.... The Parish Engine.......................... Page 16 The Election for Beadle................................2 26 The Broker's Man........................................... 28 Our Next-door Neighbours....................... 34 Monmouth Street..................... 51 Greenwich Fair............................ 70 Private Theatres............. 73 The Last Cab-Driver......................................... 82 Public Dinners.......................................... 94 The Gin-Shop................................. 102 A Pickpocket in Custody........................ 131 Mr. John Dounce............................... 134 The Boarding-House (P1. 1.)........................... 162 The Boarding-House (P1. 2.)............................. 168 The Tuggs's at Rinsgate.......................... 188 Steam Excursion (P1. 1.)..................... 209 Steam Excursion (P1. 2.)........................... 211 The Winglebury Duel............................. 218 The Bloomsbury Christening........................24 CONTENTS. SEVEN SKETCHES FROM OUR PARISH. THE BEADLE-THE PARISH ENGINE-THE SCHOOLMASTER..... Page 15 THE CURATE —THE OLD LADY -THE HALF-PAY CAPTAIN.........17 THE FOUR SISTERS.............................. 20 THE ELECTION FOR BEADLE................................. 23 THE BROKER'S MAN...............................26 THE LADIES' SOCIETIETIES............................30 OUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR.............................. 33 SCENES. THE STREETS —-MORNING............................. 39 THE STREETS-NIGHT............................... 41 SHOPS AND THEIR TENANTS.............................. 44 SCOTLAND YARD........................................ 46 SEVEN DIALS........................................48 MEDITATIONS IN MONMOUTH-STREET......................... 50 HACKNEY-COACH STANDS................................ 54 DOCTORS' COMMONS.............................* * 56 LONDON RECREATIONS.............................. 58 THE RIVER...................... 61 ASTLEY'S..........a~........ ~...........0................... 64 GREENWICH FAIR.............................* 67 PRIVATE THEATRES ~.................... 7~ ~~ 71 VAUXHALL-GARDENS BY DAY............................... 74 EARLY COACHES.................... 77 OMNIBUSES — ~... -.-.~....-............. ~~... — 79 THE LAST CAB-DRIVER, AND THE FIRST OMNIBUS CAD.............. 8 A PARLIAMENTARY SKETCH............................... 86 PUBLIC DINNERS................................ 92 THE FIRST OF MAY............................... 94 BROKERS' AND MARINE-STORE SHOPS............................98 GIN-SHOPS................................................. 100 THE PAWNBROKER'S SHOP.................................. 103 CRIMINAL COURTS.................................. 107 A VISIT TO NEWGATE............................. 109 (9) x CONTENTS. CHARACTERS. THOUGHTS ABOUT PEOPLE................................. 119 A CHRISTMAS DINNER...............~..................,. 121 THE NEW YEAR............................................. 123 MISS EVANS AND THE EAGLE.................. 126 THE PARLOUR ORATOR......................... 128 THE HOSPITAL PATIENT........................ 130 MISPLACED ATTACHMENT OF MR. JOHN DOUNCE.................. 132 THE MISTAKEN MILLINER (A TALE OF AMBITION)................ 135 THE DANCING ACADEMY................................. 138 SHABBY-GENTEEL PEOPLE..................... 141 MAKING A NIGHT OF IT............................... -. 143 THE PRISONERS' VAN............................... 146 TALES. THE BOARDING-HOUSE....................................... 151 MR. MINNS AND HIS COUSIN................................. 168 SENTIMENT................................. 173 THE TUGGS'S AT RAMSGATE.......................~....,. 179 HORATIO SPARKINS..........,........,............. 189 THE BLACK VEIL.............................. 196 THE STEAM EXCURSION.................................. 202 THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL............................... 212 MRS. JOSEPH PORTER.................................... 220 PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF MR. WATKINS TOTTLE................. 225 THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING........................... 242 THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH....................... 250 THE PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE, ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG... 250 THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE........................ 264 SKETCHES BY BOZ. OUR PARISH. CHAPTER I. ed, a harmless babbling idiot, in the par. ish asylum. -,V BEADLE-THE PARISH ENGINE-THE The parish beadle is one of the most SCHOOLMASTER. perhaps the most, important member of the local administration. He is not so How much is conveyed in those two well off as the churchwardens, certainly, Thort words-" The Parish!" And with nor is he so learned as the vestry-clerk, how many tales of distress and misery, of nor does he order things quite so much broken fortune and ruined hopes, too often his own way as either of them. But his of unrelieved wretchedness and success- power is very great, notwithstanding; and ful knavery, are they associated! A poor the dignity of his office is never impaired man, with small earnings, and a large by the absence of efforts on his part to family, just manages to live on from hand maintain it. The beadle of our parish is to mouth, and to procure food from day to a splendid fellow. It is quite delightful day; he has barely sufficient to satisfy to hear him, as he explains the state of the present cravings of nature, and can the existing poor laws to the deaf old take no heed of the future. His taxes women in the board-room-passage on busiare in arrear, quarter day passes by, an- ness nights; and to hear what he said to other quarter day arrives: he can procure the senior churchwarden, and what the no more quarter for himself, and is sum- senior churchwarden said to him; and moned by-the parish. His goods are what "we" (the beadle and the other distrained, his children are crying with gentlemen,) came to the determination cold and hunger, and the very bed on of doing. A miserable looking woman is which his sick wife is lying, is dragged called into the board-room, and represents from beneath her. What can he do To a case of extreme destitution, affecting whom is he to apply for relief To pri- herself-a widow, with six small children. vate charity? To benevolent individuals? "Where do you live " inquires one of Certainly not-there is his parish. There the overseers. "I rents a two-pair back, are the parish vestry, the parish infirmary, gentlemen, at Mrs. Brown's, Number 3, the parish surgeon, the parish officers, the Little King William's-alley, which has parish beadle. Excellent institutions, and lived there this fifteen year, and knows gentle, kind-hearted men! The woman me to be very hard-working and industri dies-she is buried by the parish. The ous, and when my poor husband was children have no protector-they are alive, gentlemen, as died in the hospital.' taken care of by the parish. The man -" Well, well," interrupts the overseei, first neglects, and afterwards cannot ob- taking a note of the address, " I'll send tain, work —he is relieved by the parish; Simmons, the beadle, to-morrow morning and when distress and drunkenness have to ascertain whether your story is correct: done their work upon him, he is maintain- and if so, I suppose you must have an or (15) >i' SKETCHES BY BOZ. der into the HEouse-Simmons, go to this Such are a few traits of the importance woman's the first thing' to-morrow morn- and gravity of a parish-beadle-a gravity ing, will you!" Simmons bows assent, which has never been disturbed in any and ushers the woman out. Her previous case that has come under our observation, admiration of "the board" (who all sit except when the services of that particubehind great books, and with their hats larly useful machine, a parish fire-engine, on) fades into nothing before her respect are required then indeed all is bustle. for her lace-trimmed conductor; and her Two little boys run to the beadle as fast account of what has passed inside, in- as their legs will carry them, and report creases-if that be possible-the marks from their own personal observation that of respect, shown by the assembled crowd, some neighbouring chimney is on fire; to that solemn functionary. As to taking the engine is hastily got out, and a plenti. out a summons, it's quite a hopeless case ful supply of boys being obtained, and if Simmons attends it, on behalf of the harnessed to it with ropes, away they ratparish. He knows all the titles of the tle over the pavement, the beadle, run Lord Mayor by heart; states the case ning-we do not exaggerate-running at without a single stammer: and it is even the side, until they arrive at some house, reported that on one occasion he ventured smelling strongly of soot, at the door of to make a joke, which the Lord Mayor's which. the beadle knocks' with considerhead footman (who happened to be pro- able gravity for half an hour. No attensent) afterwards told an intimate friend, tion being paid to these manual applicaconfidentially, was almost equal to one of tions, and the turn-cock having turned on Mr. Hobler's. the water, the engine turns off amidst See him again on Sunday in his state- the shouts of the boys; it pulls up once coat and cocked-hat, with a large-headed more at the workhouse, and the beadle staff for show in his left hand, and a small "pulls up" the unfortunate householder cane for use in his right. How pompous- next day, for the amount of his legal -ely he marshals the children into their ward. We never saw a parish engine places! and how demurely the little at a regular fire but once. It came up urchins look at him askance as he sur- in gallant style-three miles and a halt veys them when they are all seated, with an hour, at least; there was a capita a glare of the eye peculiar to beadles! supply of water, and it was first on the The churchwardens and overseers being spot. Bang went the pumps-the people duly installed in their curtained pews, he cheered-the beadle perspired profusely, seats himself on a mahogany bracket, but it was unfbrtunately discovered, just erected expressly for him at the top of as they were going to put the fire out, the aisle, and divides his attention be- that nobody understood the process by tween his prayer-book and the boys. Sud- which the engine was filled with water; denly, just at the commencement of the and that eighteen boys, and a man, had communion service, when the whole con- exhausted themselves in pumping for gregation is hushed into a profound si- twenty minutes, without producing the lence, broken only by the voice of the slightest effect! officiating clergyman, a penny is heard. The personages next in importance to to ring on the stone floor of the aisle with the beadle, are the master of the workastounding clearness. Observe the gen- house and the parish schoolmaster. The eralship of the beadle. His involuntary vestry-clerk, as every body knows, is a.ook of horror is instantly changed into short, pudgy little man, in black, with a one of perfect indifference, as if he were thick gold watch-chain of considerable.he only person present who had not length, terminating in two large seals heard the noise. The artifice succeeds. and a key. He is an attorney, and genAfter putting forth his right leg now and erally in a bustle; at no time more so, then, as a feeler, the victim who dropped than when he is hurrying to some paro the money ventures to make one or two chial meeting, with. his gloves crumpled distinct dives after it; and the beadle, up in one hand, and a large red book un. gliding softly round, salutes his little der the other arm. As to the churchround head, when it again appears above wardens and overseers, we exclude them the seat, with divers double knocks, ad- altogether, because all we know of them ministered with the cane before noticed, is, that they are usually respectable to the intense delight of three young men tradesmen, who wear hats with brims inin an adjacent pew, who cough violently dined to flatness, and who occasionalP' at intervals until the conclusion of the testify in gilt letters on a blue ground, Li sermon. some conspicuous Dart of the church,' N"E'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~? iI:? N N~~~~~~~~~~ 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~7 K1 N"~ OUR PARISH. 17 the important fact of a gallery having been warmest in their professions, grew been enlarged and beautified, or an organ strangely cold and indifferent. He had rebuilt. children whom he loved, and a wife on The master of the workhouse is not, in whom he doted. The former turned their our parish-nor is he usually in any other backs on him; the latter died broken-one of that class of men the better part hearted. Hte went with the stream-it of whose existence has passed away, and had ever been his failing, and he had not who drag out the remainder in some in- courage sufficient to bear up against so ferior situation, with just enough thought many shocks-he had never cared for of the past, to feel degraded by, and dis- himself, and the only being who had cared contented with, the present. We are for him, in his poverty and distress, was unable to guess precisely to our own satis- spared to him no longer. It was at this faction what station the man can have period that he applied for parochial relief: occupied before; we should think he had Some kind-hearted man who had known been an inferior sort of attorney's clerk, him in happier times, chanced to bt or else the master of a national school- churchwarden that year, and through his whatever he was, it is clear his present interest he was appointed to his present position is a change for the better. His situation. income is small certainly, as the rusty Ile is an old man now. Of the many black coat and threadbare velvet collar who once crowded round him in all the demonstrate: but then he lives free of hollow friendship of boon-companionship, house-rent, has a limited allowance of some have died, some have fallen like coals and candles, and an almost unlimit- himself, some have prospered-all have ed allowance of authority in his petty forgotten him. Time and misfortune have kingdom. He is a tall, thin, bony man; mercifully been permitted to impair his always wears shoes and black cotton memory, and.use has habituated him to stockings with his surtout; and eyes you, his present condition. Meek, uncomplainas you pass his parlour window, as if he ing, and zealous in the discharge of his wished you were a pauper, just to give duties, he has been allowed to hold his you a specimen of his power. He is an situation long beyond the usual period; admirable specimen of a small tyrant: and he will no doubt continue to hold it, morose, brutish, and ill-tempered; bully- until infirmity renders him incapable, or ing to his inferiors, cringing to his su- death releases him. As the gray-headed periors, and jealous of the influence and old man feebly paces up and down the authority of the beadle. sunny side of the little court-yard between Our schoolmaster is just the very re- school hours, it would be difficult, indeed, verse of this amiable official. He has been for the most intimate of his former friends one of those men one occasionally hears to rccognise their once gay and happy of, on whom misfortune seems to have set associate, in the person of the Paupe: her mark; nothing he ever did, or was Schoolmaster. concerned in, appears to have prospered. A rich old relation who had brought him up, and openly announced his intention of providing for him, left him t10,000 in his will, and revoked the bequest in a codicil. CHAPTER II Thus unexpectedly reduced to the necessity of providing for himself, he procured THE CURATE-THE OLD LADY-THE HALFa situation in a public office. The young PAY CAPTAIN. clerks below him, died off as if there were a-plague among them; but the old fellows WE commenced our last chapter with over his head, for the reversion of whose the beadle of our parish, because we are places he was anxiously waiting, lived on deeply sensible of the importance and digand on, as if they were immortal. He nity of his office. We will begin the speculated and lost. He speculated again, present, with the clergyman. Our curate and won-but never got his money. His is a young gentleman of such prepossess talents were great; his disposition, easy, ing appearance, and fascinating manners, generous and liberal. His friends pro- that within one month after his first apfited by the one, and abused the other. pearance in the parish, half the youngLoss succeeded loss; misfortune crowd- lady inhabitants were melancholy with ed on misfortune; each successive day religion, and the other half, desponding brought him nearer the verge of hopeless with love. Never were so many young penury, and the-uondam friends who had ladies seen in our parish-cl" irch on Sun 2* G 18 SKETCHES BY BOZ. day before; and never had the little round engraved with an appropriate inscription; angels' faces on Mr. Tomkins's monument the curate was invited to a public breakin the side aisle, beheld such devotion on fast, at the before-mentioned Goat and earth as they all exhibited. He was about Boots; the inkstand was presented in a five-and-twenty when he first came to neat speech by Mr. Gubbins, the exastonish the parishioners. He parted his chu'rchwarden, and acknowledged by the hair on the centre of his forehead in the curate in terms which drew tears into the form of a Norman arch, wore a brilliant eyes of all present —the very waiters of the first water on the fourth finger of were melted. his left hand (which he always applied to One would have supposed that, by this his left cheek when he read prayers), and time, the theme of universal admiration had a deep sepulchral voice of unusual was lifted to the very pinnacle of popu solemnity. Innumerable were the calls larity. No such thing. The curate bemade by prudent mammas on our new cu- gan to cough; four fits of coughing one rate, and innumerable the invitations with morning between the Litany and the which he was assailed, and which, to do Epistle, and five in the afternoon service. him justice, he readily accepted. If his Here was a discovery-the curate was manner in the pulpit had created an im- consumptive. How interestingly melanpression in his favour, the sensation was choly! If the young ladies were enerincreased tenfold by his appearance in pri- getic before, their sympathy and solicitude vate circles. Pews in the immediate vi- now knew no bounds. Such a man as the cinity of the pulpit or reading-desk rose curate-such a dear-such a perfect love in value; sittings in the centre aisle were -to be consumptive! It was too much. at a premium: an inch of room in the Anonymous presents of black-currant jam front row of the gallery could not be pro- and lozenges, elastic waistcoats, bosom cured for love or money; and some people friends, and warm stockings, poured is even went so far as to assert, that the upon the curate until he was as complete. three Miss Browns, who had an obscure ly fitted out, with winter clothing, as if family pew just behind the churchwar- he were on the verge of an expedition dens', were detected one Sunday, in the to the North Pole: verbal bulletins of free seats by the communion-table, actual- the state of his health were circulated ly lying in wait for the curate as he passed throughout the parish half-a-dozen times to the vestry! He began to preach ex- a day; and the curate was in the very tempore sermons, and even grave papas zenith of his popularity. caught the infection. He got out of bed About this period, a change came over at half-past twelve o'clock one winter's the spirit of the parish. A very quiet, night, to half baptize a washerwoman's respectable, dozing old gentleman, who child in a slop-basin, and the gratitude of had officiated in our chapel of ease for the parishioners knew no bounds-the twelve years previously, died one fine churchwardens grew generous, and in- morning without having given any notice sisted on the parish defraying the expense whatever of his intention. This circumof the watch-box on wheels, which the stance gave rise to counter-sensation the new curate had ordered for himself, to first; and the arrival of his successor ocperform the funeral service in, in wet casioned counter-sensation the second. He weather. He sent three pints of gruel was a pale, thin, cadaverous man, with and a quarter of a pound of tea to a poor large black eyes, and long straggling woman who had been brought to bed of black hair: his dress was slovenly in the four small children, all at once-the pa- extreme, his manner ungainly, his docrish were charmed. He got up a sub- trines startling; in short, he was in evescription for her-the woman's fortune ry respect the antipodes of the curate. was made He spoke for one hour and Crowds of our female parishioners flocked twenty-five minutes, at an anti-slavery to hear him: at first, because he was so meeting at the Goat and Boots-the en- odd-looking, then because his face was so thusiasm was at its height. A proposal expressive, then because he preached so was set on foot for presenting the curate well; and at last, because they really with a piece of plate, as a mark of esteem thought that, after all, there was something for his valuable services rendered to the about him which it was quite impossible parish. The list of subscriptions was to describe. As to the curate, he was all filled up in no time; the contest was, not very well; but certainly, after all, there who should escape the contribution, but was no denying that-that-in short, the who should be the foremost to subscribe, curate wasn't a novelty, and the other A splendid silver inkstand was made, and clergyman was. The lpconstancy of OUR PARISH. 19 public opinion is proverbial: the congre- except the little girls before noticed, each nation migrated one by one. The curate of whom has always a regular fixed day coughed till he was black in the face-it for a periodical tea-drinking with her, to was in vain. He respired with difficulty which the child looks forward as the -it was equally ineffectual in awakening;greatest treat of its existence. She selsympathy. Seats are once again to be had dom visits at a greater distance than the in any part of our parish church, and the next door but one on either side; and chapel-of-ease is going to be enlarged, as when she drinks tea here, Sarah runs out it is crowded to suffocation every Sunday! first and knocks a double-knock, to prevent The best known and most respected the possibility of her "Missis's" catching among our parishioners, is an old lady, cold by having to wait at the door. She who resided in our parish long before our is very scrupulous in returning these little name was registered in the list of baptisms. invitations, and when she asks Mr. and Our parish is a suburban one, and the old Mrs. So-and-so, to meet Mr. and Mrs. lady lives in a neat row of houses in the Somebody-else, Sarah and she dust the most airy and pleasant part of it. The urn, and the best china tea service, and house is her own; and every thing about the Pope Joan board; and the visiters are it, except the old lady herself, who looks received in the drawing-room in great a little older than she did ten years ago, state. She has but few relations, and they is in just the same state as when the old are scattered about in different parts of gentleman was living. The little front the country, and she seldom sees them. parlour, which is the old lady's ordinary She has a son in India, whom she always sitting-room, is a perfect picture of quiet describes to you as a fine, handsome felneatness: the carpet is covered with brown low-so like the profile of his poor dear Holland, the glass and picture-frames are father over the sideboard, but the old lady carefully enveloped in yellow muslin; the adds, with a mournful shake of the head, table-covers are never taken off, except that he has always been one of her greatwhen the leaves are turpentined and bees'- est trials, and that indeed he once almost waxed, an operation which is regularly broke her heart; but it pleased God to commenced every other morning at half- enable her to get the better of it, and she past nine o'clock-and the little nicnacs would prefer your never mentioning the are always arranged in precisely the same subject to her, again. She has a great manner. The greater part of these are number of pensioners: and on Saturday, presents from little girls whose parents after she comes back from market, there live in the same row; but some of them, is a regular levee of old men and women such as the two - old-fashioned watches, in the passage, waiting for their weekly (which never keep the same time, one gratuity. Her name always heads the being always a quarter of an hour too list of any benevolent subscriptions, and slow, and the other a quarter of an hour hers are always the most liberal donations too fast), the little picture of the Princess to the Winter Coal and Soup Distribution Charlotte and Prince Leopold as they ap- Society. She subscribed twenty pounds peared in the Royal Box at Drury-lane towards the erection of an organ in our Theatre, and others of the same class, parish church, and was so overcome the have been in the old lady's possession for first Sunday the children sang to it, that many years. Here the old lady sits with she was obliged to be carried out by the her spectacles on, busily engaged in pew-opener. Her entrance into church needle-work-near the window in summer on Sunday is always the signal for a little time: and if she sees you coming up the bustle in the side aisle, occasioned by a steps, and you happen to be a favourite, general rise among the poor people, who she trots out to open the street door for bow and curtsy until the pew-opener has you before you knock, and as you must be ushered the old lady into her accustomed fatigued after that hot walk, insists on seat, dropped a respectful curtsy, and stlt your swallowing two glasses of sherry the door: and the same ceremony is before you exert yourself by talking. If repeated on her leaving church, when she you call in the evening you will find her walks home with the family next door but cheerful, but rather more serious than one, and talks about the sermon all the usual, with an open Bible on the table, way, invariably opening the conversation before her, of which " Sarah," who is just by asking the youngest boy where the as neat and methodical as her mistress, text was. regularly reads two or three chapters in Thus, with the annual variation of a the parlour aloud. trip to some quiet place on the sea-coast, The old lady sees scarcely any company, passes the old lady's life. It has rolled 20 SKETCHES BY BOZ. on in the same unvarying' and benevolent churchwardens, contests legal points course for many years now, and must at against the vestry-clerk, will make the no distant period be brought to its final tax-gatherer call for his money till le close. She looks forward to its termina- won't call any longer, and then he sends tion, with calmness and without appre- it: finds fault with the sermon every Sunhension. She has every thing to hope day, says that the organist ought to be and nothing to fear. ashamed of himself, offers to back himself A very different personage, but one who for any amount to sing the psalms better has rendered himself very conspicuous in than all the children put together, male our parish, is one of the old lady's next and female; and, in short, conducts himdoor neighbours. He is an old naval offi- self in the most turbulent and uproarious cer on half-pay, and his bluff and uncere- manner. The worst of it'is, that having monious behaviour, disturbs the old lady's a high regard for the old lady, he wants domestic economy, not a little. In the to.make her a convert to his views, and first place he will smoke cigars in the therefore walks into her little parlour with front court, and when he wants something his newspaper in his hand, and talks vioto drink with them —which is by no means lent politics by the hour. He is a charitaan uncommon circumstance-he lifts up ble, open-hearted old fellow at bottom, the old lady's knocker with his walking- after all; so, although he puts the old lady stick, and demands to have a glass of ta- a little out occasionally, they agree very ble ale, handed over the rails. In addi- well in the main, and she laughs as much tion to this cool proceeding, he is a bit of at each feat of his handiwork when it is a Jack of all trades, or to use his own all over, as anybody else. words, "A regular Robinson Crusoe;" and nothing delights him better, than to experimentalize on the old lady's property. One morning he got up early, and planted three or four roots of full-grown marigolds in every bed of her front gar- CHAPTER III den, to the inconceivable astonishment of the old lady, who actually thought when TE FOUR SISTERS. she got up and looked out of the window, that it was some strange eruption which THE row of houses in which the old had come out in the night. Another time lady and her troublesome neighbour re he took to pieces the eight-day clock on side, comprises, beyond all doubt, a greater the front landing, under pretence of clean- number of characters within its circuming the works, which he put together scribed limits, than all the rest of the pa again, by some undiscovered process in so rish put together. As we cannot, con wonderful a manner, that the large hand sistently with our present plan, how has done nothing but trip up the little one ever, extend the number of our parochial ever since. Then he took to breeding sketches beyond six, it will be better, silk-worms, which he would bring in two perhaps, to select the most peculiar, and or three times a day, in little paper boxes, to introduce them at once without further to show the old lady, generally dropping preface. a worm or two at every visit. The con- The four Miss Willises, then, settled sequence was, that one morning a very in our Iparish thirteen years ago. It is a stout silk-worm was discovered in the act melancholy reflection that the old adage, of walking up stairs-probably with the " time and tide wait for no man," applies view of inquiring after his friends, for, on with equal force to the fairer portion of the firther inspection, it appeared that some creation; and willingly would we conceal of his companions had already found their the fact, that even thirteen years ago, way to every room in the house. The the Miss Willises were far from juvenile. old lady went to the sea-side in despair, Our duty as faithful parochial chroniclers, and during her absence he completely however, is paramount to every other effaced her name from the brass door- consideration, and we are bound to state, plate, in his attempts to polish it with that thirteen years since, the authoriaqua-fortis. ties in matrimonial cases considered the But all this, is nothing to his seditious youngest Miss Willis in a very precarious conduct in public life. He attends every state, while the eldest sister was positivevestry meeting that is held; always op- ly given over, as being far beyond all huposes the constituted authorities of the man hope. Well, the Miss Willises took parish, denounces the profligacy of the a lease of the house; it was fresh painted OUR PARISI.'21 and papered from top to bottom: the paint from, by what feelings the poor man could inside was all wainscoted, the marble all have been actuated, or by what process of cleaned, the old grates taken down, and reasoning the four Miss Willises succeedregister-stoves, you could see to dress by, ed in persuading themselves that it was put, up; four trees were planted in the possible for a man to marry one of them, back garden, several small baskets of gra- without marrying them all, are questions vel sprinkled over the front one, vans of too profound for us to resolve: certain it elegant furniture arrived, spring blinds is, however, that the visits of Mr. Robinwere fitted to the windows, carpenters son (a gentleman in a public office, with who had been employed in the various a good salary and a little property of his preparations, alterations, and repairs, made own, beside) were received-that the four confidential statements to the different. Miss Willises were courted in due form mnaid-servants in the row, relative to the by the said Mr. Robinson-that the neighmagnificent scale on which the Miss Wil- bours were perfectly frantic in their lises were commencing; the maid-ser- anxiety to discover which of the four Miss vants told their "Missises," the Missises Willises was the fortunate fair, and that told their friends, and vague rumours were the difficulty they experienced in solving circulated throughout the parish, that No. the problem was not at all lessened by the 25, in Gordon-place, had been taken by announcement of the eldest Miss Willis,four maiden ladies of immense property. " Wie are going to marry Mr. Robinson." At last, the Miss Willises moved in; It was very extraordinary. They were and then the " calling" began. The house so completely identified, the one with the was the perfection of neatness-so were other, that the curiosity of the whole row the four Miss Willises. Every thing was -even of the old lady herself-was rousformal, stiff, and cold-so were the four ed almost beyond endurance. The subMiss Willises. Not a single chair of the ject was discussed at every little card. whole set was ever seen out of its place table and tea-drinking. The old gentle-not a single Miss Willis of the whole man of silk-worm notoriety did not hesifour was ever seen out of hers. There tate to express his decided opinion that they always sat, in the same places, doing Mr. Robinson was of Eastern descent, and precisely the same things at the same contemplated marrying the whole family hour. The eldest Miss Willis used to at once; and the row, generally, shook knit, the second to draw, the two others their heads with considerable gravity, and to play duets on the piano. They seemed declared the business to be very mysterito have no separate existence, but to have ous. They hoped it might all end well; made up their minds just to winter -it certainly had a very singular appearthrough life together. They were three ance, but still it would be uncharitable to long graces in drapery, with the addition, express any opinion without good grounds like a school-dinner, of another long grace to go upon, and certainly the Miss Wilafterwards-the three fates with another lises were quite old enough to judge for sister-the Siamese twins multiplied by themselves, and to be sure people ought two. The eldest Miss Willis grew bilious to know their own business best, and so -the four Miss Willises grew bilious im- forth. mediately. The eldest Miss Willis grew At last, one fine morning, at a quarter ill-tempered and religious —the four Miss before eight o'clock, A. M., two glassWillises were ill-tempered and religious coaches drove up to the Miss Willises' directly. Whatever the eldest did, the door, at which Mr. Robinson had arrived others did, and whatever any body else in a cab ten minutes before, dressed in a did, they all disapproved of; and thus light blue coat and double-milled kersey they vegetated-living in Polar harmony pantaloons, white neckerchief, pumps, and among themselves, and, as they sometimes dress-gloves, his manner denoting, as apwent out, or saw company " in a quiet peared from the evidence of the houseway" at home, occasionally iceing the maid at No. 23, who was sweeping the neighbours. Three years passed over in'door-steps at the time, a considerable dethis way, when an unlooked-for and ex- gree of nervous excitement. It was also traordinary phenomenon occurred. The hastily reported on the same testimony, Miss Willises showed symptoms of sum- that the cook who opened the door, wore mer, the frost gradually broke up; a com- a large white bow of unusual dimensions. plete thaw took place. Was it possible in a much smarter head-dress than the one of the four Miss Willises was going regulation cap to which the Miss Willises to be married! invariably restricted the somewhat excur Now, where on earth the.husband came sive taste of female servants in general 22 SKETCHES BY BOZ. The intelligence spread rapidly from wonder how Mrs. Robinson-the youngest house to house. It was quite clear that Miss Willis that was-got on; and serthe eventful morning had at length ar- vants might be seen running up the steps, rived; the whole row stationed them- about nine or ten o'clock every morning, selves behind their first and second floor with " Missis's compliments, and wishes blinds, and waited the result in breathless to know how Mrs. Robinson finds herself expectation. this morning " And the answer always At last the Miss Willises' door opened; was, " Mrs. Robinson's compliments, and the door of the first glass-coach did the she's in very good spirits, and doesn't find same. Two gentlemen, and a pair of herself any worse." The piano was ladies to correspond-friends of the fam- heard no longer, the knitting-needles ily, no doubt; up went the steps, bang were laid aside, drawing was neglected, went the door, off went the first glass- and mantua-making and millinery, on the coach, and up came the second. smallest scale imaginable, appeared to The street-door opened again; the ex- have become the favourite amusement of citement of the whole row increased- the whole family. The parlour wasn't Mr. Robinson and the eldest Miss Willis. quite as tidy as it used to be, and if you " I thought so," said the lady at No. 19; called in the morning, you would see " I always said it was 3Miss Willis!"- lying on a table, with an old newspaper " Well, I never!" ejaculated the young carelessly thrown over them, two or three lady at No. 18 to the young lady at No. particularly small caps, rather larger than 17-" Did you ever, dear!" responded the if they had been made for a moderateyoung lady at No. 17 to the young lady sized doll, with a small piece of lace, in at No. 18. "It's too ridiculous!" ex- the shape of a horse-shoe, let in behind: claimed a spinster of an uncertain age, at or perhaps a white robe, not very large No. 16, joining in the conversation. But in circumference, but very much out of who shall portray the astonishment of proportion in point of length, with a little Gordon-place, when Mr. Robinson handed tucker round the top, and a frill round the in all the Miss Willises, one after the bottom; and once when we called, we other, and then squeezed himself into an saw a long white roller, with a kind of acute angle of the glass-coach, which blue margin down each side, the probable forthwith proceeded at a brisk pace, after use of which, we were at a loss to conthe other glass-coach, which other glass- jecture. Then we fancied that Mr. Dawcoach had itself proceeded, at a brisk son, the surgeon, &c., who displays a pace, in the direction of the parish church. large lamp with a different colour in every'Who shall depict the perplexity of the pane of glass, at the corner of the row, clergyman, when all the Miss Willises began to be knocked up at night oftener knelt down at the communion-table, and than he used to be; and once we were repeated the responses incidental to the very much alarmed by hearing a hackneymarriage service in an audible voice-or coach stop at Mrs. Robinson's door, at who shall describe the confusion which half-past two o'clock in the morning, out prevailed, when-even after the difficul- of which there emerged a fat old woman, ties thus occasioned had been adjusted- in a cloak and nightcap, with a bundle in all the Miss Willises went into hysterics one hand, and a pair of pattens in the at the conclusion of the ceremony, until other, who looked as if she had been sudthe sacred edifice resounded with their denly knocked up out of bed for some united wailings! very special purpose. As the four sisters and Mr. Robinson When we got up in the morning, we continued to occupy the same house after saw that the knocker was tied up in an this memorable occasion, and as the mar- old white kid glove; and we, in our innoried sister, whoever she was, never ap- cence (we were in a state of bachelorship peared in public without the other three, then), wondered what on earth it all we are not quite clear that the neighbours meant, until we heard the eldest Miss ever would have discovered the real Mrs. Willis, in propria persona, say, with Robinson, but for a circumstance of the great dignity, in answer to the next inmost gratifying description, which will quiry, " Iy compliments, and Mrs. Robinhappen occasionally in the best regulated son's doing as well as can be expected, families. Three quarter-days elapsed, and the little girl thrives wonderfully." and the row, on whom a new light ap- And then, in common with the rest of the peared to have been oursting for some row, our curiosity was satisfied, and we time, began to speak with a sort of im- began to wonder it had never occurred to ]ied confidence on the subject, and to us what the matter was, before. OUR PARISH. 23 stance-which mi-ht be communicated CHAPTER IV. to the public, greatly to their improveTHE ELECTION OF BEADLE. ment and advantage. His great opponent in public life is A GREAT event has recently occurred Captain Purday, the old naval officer on in our parish. A contest of paramount half-pay, to whom we have already introinterest has just terminated; a parochial duced our readers. The captain being a convulsion has taken place. It has been determined opponent of the constituted succeeded by a glorious triumph, which authorities, whoever they may chance to the country-or at least the parish-it is be, and our other friend being their steady all the same-will long remember. We supporter, with an equal disregard of their have have had an election; an election individual merits, it will readily be supfor beadle. The supporters of the old posed, that occasions for their coming into beadle system have been defeated in their direct collision are neither few nor far bestrong hold, and the advocates of the great tween. They divided the vestry fourteen new beadle principles have achieved a times on a motion for heating the church proud victory, with warm water instead of coals: and Our parish, which, like all other pa- made speeches aboit liberty and expenrishes, is a little world of its own, has diture, and prodigality and hot water, long been divided into two parties, whose which threw the whole parish into a state contentions, slumbering for a while, have of excitement. Then the captain, when never failed to burst fbrth with unabated he was on the visiting committee, and his vigour, on any occasion on which they opponent overseer, brought forward cercould by possibility be renewed. Watch- tain distinct and specific charges relative ing-rates, lighting-rates, paving-rates, sew- to the management of the workhouse, er's-rates, church-rates, poor's-rates-all. boldly expressed his total want of confisorts of rates, have been in their turns dence in the existing authorities, and the subjects of a great struggle; and as moved for " a copy of the recipe by which to questions of patronage, the asperity the paupers' soup was prepared, together and determination with which they have with any documents relating thereto." been contested is scarcely credible. This the overseer steadily resisted; he The leader of the official party-the fortified himself by precedent, appealed steady advocate of the churchwardens, to the established usage, and declined to and the unflinching supporter of the over- produce the papers, on the ground of the seers-is an old gentleman who lives in injury that would be done to the public our. row. He owns some half-dozen service, if documents of a strictly private houses in it, and always walks on the op- nature, passing between the master of the posite side of the way, so that he may be workhouse and the cook, were to be thus able to take in a view of the whole of his dragged to light on the motion of any inproperty at once. He is a tall, thin, bony dividual member of the vestry. The moman, with an interrogative nose, and little tion was lost by a majority of two; and restless perking eyes, which appear to then the captain, who never allows himhave been given him for the sole purpose self to be defeated, moved for a committee of peeping into other people's affairs with. of inquiry into the whole subject. The He is deeply impressed with the import- affair grew serious: the question was disance of our parish business, and prides cussed at meeting after meeting, and veshimself, not a little, on his style of ad- try after vestry; speeches were made, dressing the parishioners in vestry assem- attacks repudiated, personal defiances exbled. His views are rather confined than changed, explanations received, and the extensive; his principles more narrow greatest excitement prevailed, until at than liberal. He has been heard to de- last, just as the question was going to be claim very loudly in favour of the liberty finally decided, the vestry found that someof the press, and advocates the repeal of how or other, they had become entangled the stamp duty on newspapers, because in a point of form, from which it was imthe daily journals who now have a mo- possible to escape with propriety. So, the nopoly of the public, never give verbatim motion was dropped, and every body look. reports of vestry meetings. He would ed extremely important, and seemed quite not appear egotistical for the world, but satisfied with the meritorious nature of at the same time he must say, that there the whole proceeding. are speeches-that celebrated speech of This was the state of affairs in our his own, on the emoluments of the sex- parish a week or two since, when Simton, and the duties of the office, for in- mons, the beadle, suddenly died. The 24 SKETCHES BY BOZ. lamented deceased had over-exerted him- families always had been elected to the self, a day or two previously, in conveying office, and that, although he must admit an aged female, highly intoxicated, to the that, in other respects, Sprugnins was strong room of the workhouse. The ex- the least qualified candidate of' the two, citement thus occasioned, added to a still it was an old practice, and he saw no severe cold, which this indefatigable officer reason why an old practice should be had caught in his capacity of director of departed from. This was enough fbr the the parish engine, by inadvertently play- captain. He immediately sided with Bung, ing over himself instead of a fire, proved canvassed for him personally in all directoo much for a constitution already enfee- tions, wrote squibs on Spruggins, and got bled by age; and the intelligence was his butcher to skewer them up on conspicconveyed to the Board one evening, that uous joints in his shop-front; frightened Simmons had died, and left his respects. his neighbour, the old lady, into a palpitaThe breath was scarcely out of the body tion of the heart, by his awful denunciaof the deceased functionary, when the tions of Spruggins's party; and bounced field was filled with competitors for the in and out, and up and'down, and backwards vacant office, each of whom rested his and forwards, until all the sober inhabitants claims to public support, entirely on the of the parish thought it inevitable that he number and extent of his family, as if the must die of a brain fever, long before the office of beadle were originally instituted election began. as an encouragement for the propagation The day of election arrived. It was no of the human species. " Bung for Beadle. longer an individual struggle, but a party Five small children!" —" Hopkins for contest between the ins and the outs. Beadle. Seven small children!!" —"Tim- The question was, whether the withering kins for Beadle. Nine small children!!" influence of the overseers, the domination Such were the placards in large black of the churchwardens, and the blighting letters on a white ground, which were despotism of the vestry-clerk, should be plentifully pasted on the walls, and posted allowed to render the election of beadle in the windows of the principal shops. a form-a nullity: whether they should Timkins's success was considered certain: impose a vestry-elected beadle on the several mothers of families half promised parish, to do their bidding and forward their votes, and the nine small children their views, or whether the parishioners, would have run over the course, but for fearlessly asserting their undoubted rights the production of another placard announc- should elect an independent beadle of ing the appearance of a still more meri- their own. torious candidate. " Spruggins for Beadle. The nomination was fixed to take place Ten small children (two of them twins), in the vestry, but so great was the throng and a wife!! " There was no resisting of anxious spectators, that it was found this; ten small children would have been necessary to adjourn to the church, where almost irresistible in themselves, without the ceremony commenced with due solem the twins, but the touching parenthesis nity. The appearance of the church. about'that interesting production of nature, wardens and overseers, and the ex-church and the still more touching allusion to wardens and ex-overseers, with Spruggina Mrs. Spruggins, must ensure success. in the rear, excited general attention. Spruggins was the favourite at once, and Spruggins was a little thin man, in rusty the appearance of his lady, as she went black, with a long pale face, and a counabout to solicit votes (which encouraged tenance expressive of care and fatigue, confident hopes of a still further.addition which might either be attributed to the to the house of Spruggins at no remote extent of his family or the anxiety of period), increased the general prepossession his feelings. His opponent appeared in in his favour. The other candidates, Bung a cast-off coat of the captain's-a blue alone excepted, resigned in despair. The coat with bright buttons; white trousers, day of election was fixed; and the canvass and that description of shoes familiarly proceeded with briskness and perseverance known by the appellation of " high los." on both sides. There was a eJ-nity in the open counThe members of the vestry could not tenance of Bung - a kind of moral dignity be supposed to escape the contagious ex- in his confident air-an " I wish you citement inseparable from the occasion. may get it" sort of expression in his The majority of the lady inhabitants of eye which infused animation into his the parish declared at once for Spruggins; supporters, and evidently-ddispirited his and the quondam overseer took the same opponents. sride, on the ground that men with large The ex-churchwarden rose to propose OUR PARISH. 25 Thomas Spruggins for beadle. He had he would not say, as the vestry's tool, but known him long. He had had his eye as Beadle. He would not advert to that upon him closely for years; he had watch- individual's family; he would not say, ed him with twofold vigilance for months. that nine children, twins, and a wife, (A parishioner here suggested that this were very bad examples for pauper imi might be termed "taking a double sight," tation (loud cheers.) He would not adbut the observation was drowned in loud vert in detail to the qualifications of cries of "Order!") He would repeat Bung. The man stood before him, and that he had had his eye upon him for he would not say in his presence, what years, and this he would say, that a more he might be disposed to say of him, if he well-conducted, a more well-behaved, a were absent. (Here Mr. Bung telegraphmore sober, a more quiet man, with a ed to a friend near him, under cover of more well-regulated mind he had never his hat, by contracting his left eye, and met with. A man with a larger family applying his right thumb to the tip of his he had never known (cheers.) The par- nose.) It had been objected to Bung that ish required a man who could be depend- he had only five children (" Hear, hear!" ed on (" Hear!" from the Spruggins side, from the opposition.) Well; he had yet answered by ironical cheers from the to learn that the legislature had affixed Bung party.) Such a man he now pro- any precise amount of infantine qualificaposed (" No," "Yes.") He would not al- tion to the office of beadle; but taking it lude to individuals (the ex-churchwarden for granted that an extensive family were continued, in the celebrated negative a great requisite, he entreated them to style adopted by great speakers.) He look to facts, and compare data, about would not advert to a gentleman who had which there could be no mistake. Bung once held a high rank in the service of was 35 years of age. SpF-uggins-of his majesty; he would not say, that that whom he wished to speak with all possigentleman was no gentleman; he would ble respect-was 50. Was it not more not assert that that man was no man; he than possible-was it not very probablewould not say, that he was a turbulent that by the time Bung attained the latter parishioner; he would not say, that he age, he might see around him a family, had grossly misbehaved himself, not only even exceeding in number and extent,. on this, but on all former occasions; he that to which Spruggins at present laid would not say, that he was one of those claim'l(deafening cheers and waving of discontented and treasonable spirits, who handkerchiefs?) The captain concluded, carried confusion and disorder wherever amidst loud applause, by calling upon the they went; he would not say, that he parishioners to sound the tocsin, rush to harboured in his heart envy, and hatred, the poll, free themselves from dictation, and malice, and all uncharitableness. No or be slaves for ever. He wished to have everything comfort- On the following day the polling began, able and pleasant, and therefore, he would and we never have had such a bustle in rsay-nothing about him (cheers.) our parish since we got up our famous. The captain replied in a similar parlia- anti-slavery petition, which was such an mentary style. He would not say, he important one, that the House of Comwas astonished at the speech they had mons ordered it to be printed, on the nojust heard; he would not say, he was dis- tion of the member for the district. The gusted (cheers.) He would not retort captain engaged two hackney-coaches and the epithets which had been hurled a cab for Bung's people-the cab for the against him (renewed cheering;) he drunken voters, and the two coaches for would not allude to men once in office, the old ladies, the greater portion of whom, out now happily out of it, who had mis- owing to the captain's impetuosity, were managed the workhouse, ground the pau- driven up to the polls and home again, pers, diluted the beer, slack-baked the before they recovered from their flurry bread, boned the meat, heightened the sufficiently to know, with any degree of work, and lowered the soup (tremendous clearness, what they had been deing. The cneers.) He would not ask what such opposite party wholly neglected these premen deserved (a voice, " Nothing a-day,' cautions, and the consequence was, tlat a and find themselves!") He would not great many ladies who were walking ltisay, that one burst of general indignation surely up to the church-for it was a very should drive them from the parish they hot day-to vote for Spruggins, were art. polluted with their presence ("Give it fully decoyed into the coaches, and voted him!") He would not allude to the un- for Bung. The captain's arguments, too; fortunate man who had been proposed- had produced considerable efect: the at 3 D 26 SKETCHES BY BOZ tempted influence of the vestry produced ty in the extreme, and poverty modified, a greater. A threat of exclusive dealing or, to use his own emphatic language, was established against the vestry-clerk- "between nothing to eat and just half a case of heartless and profligate atrocity. enough." He is not, as he forcibly reIt appeared that the delinquent had been marks, " one of those fortunate men who, in the habit of purchasing six penn'orth if they were to dive under one side of a of muffins, weekly, from an old woman barge stark-naked, would come up on the who rents a small house in the parish, and other with a new suit of clothes on, and a resides among the original settlers; on ticket for soup in the waistcoat-pocket:" her last weekly visit, a message was con- neither is he one of those, whose spirit veyed to her through the medium of the has been broken beyond redemption by cook, couched in mysterious terms, but misfortune and want. He is just one of indicating with sufficient clearness, that the careless, good-for-nothing, happy felthe vestry-clerk's appetite for muffins, in lows, who float, cork-like, on the surface, future, depended entirely on her vote on for the world to play at hockey with: the beadleship. This was sufficient: the knocked here, and there, and everystream had been turning previously, and where: now to the right, then to the left, the impulse thus administered directed its again up in the air, and anon to the botfinal course. The Bung party ordered tom, but always reappearing and boundone shilling's-worth of muffins weekly for ing with the stream buoyantly and merthe remainder of the old woman's natural rily along. Some few months before he life; the parishioners were loud in their was prevailed upon to stand a contested exclamations; and the fate of Spruggins election for the office of beadle, necessity was sealed. attached him to the service of a broker; It was in vain that the twins were ex- and on the opportunities he here acquired hibited in dresses of the same pattern, and of ascertaining the condition of most of night-caps to match, at the church-door; the poorer inhabitants of the parish, his the boy in Mrs. Spruggins's right arm, patron, the captain, first grounded his and the girl in her left-even Mrs. Sprug- claims to public support. Chance threw gins herself failed to be an object of sym- the man in our way a short time since. pathy any longer. The majority obtained We were, in the first instance, attracted by Bung on the gross poll was four hun-'by his prepossessing impudence at the dred and twenty-eight, and the cause of election; we were not surprised, on fur the parishioners triumphed. ther acquaintance, to find him a shrewd knowing fellow, with no inconsiderable power of observation; and, after conversing with him a little, were somewhat struck (as we dare say our readers have frequently been in other cases) with the CHAPTER V. power some men seem to have, not only of sympathising with, but to all appearTHE BROKER'S MAN. ance of understanding feelings to which they themselves are entire strangers. We TiHE excitement of the late election has had been expressing to the new functionsubsided, and our parish being once again ary our surprise that he should ever have restored to a state of comparative tran- served in the capacity to which we have quillity, we are enabled to devote our at- just adverted, when we gradually led him tention to those parishioners who take into one or two professional anecdotes. little share in our party contests or in the As we are induced to think, on reflection, turinoil and bustle of public life. And that they will tell better in nearly his own we feel sincere pleasure in acknowledg- words, than with any attempted embeling here, that in collecting materials for lishment of ours, we will at once entitle this task we have been greatly assisted them by Mr. Bung himself, who has imposed on us a debt of obligation which we fear we MR. BUNG'S NARRATIVE. can never repay. The life of this gentleman has been one of a very chequered "It's very true, as you say, sir," Mr. description: he has undergone transitions Bung commenced, " that a broker's man's -not from grave to gay, for he never was is not a life to be envied; and in course grave-not from lively to severe, for se- you know as well as I do, though you verity forms no part of his disposition; don't say it, that people hate and scout'em t';s fluctuations have been between pover- because they're the ministers of wretch .-^' ^^^^^ ^7..^dwa^.~~~~~~~7 F:x OUR PARISH. 27 edness, like, to poor people. But what time (continued Mr. Bung,) and in course could I do, sir? The thing was no worse I wasn't long in finding, that some people because I did it, instead of somebody else; are not as much to be pitied as others are, and if putting ms in possession of a house and that people with good incomes who would put me in possession of three and get into difficulties, which they keep sixpence a day, and levying a distress on patching up day after day, and week after another man's goods would relieve my week, get so used to these sort of things distress and that of my family, it can't be in time, that at last they come scarcely expected but what I'd take the job and go to feel them at all. I remember the very through with it. I never liked it, God first place I was put in possession of, was knows; I always looked out for some- a gentleman's house in this parish here, thing else, and the moment I got other that everybody would suppose couldn't work to do, I left it. If there is any help having money if he tried. I went thing wrong in being the agent in such with old Fixem, my old master,'bout half matters-not the principal, mind you- arter eight in the morning; rang the areaI'm sure the business, to a beginner like bell; servant in livery opened the door: I was, at all events, carries its own pun-' Governor at home?'-' Yes, he is,' says ishment along with it. I wished again the man;' but he's breakfasting just now.' and again that the people would only blow' Never mind,' says Fixem,' just you tell me up, or pitch into me-that I wouldn't him there's a gentleman here, as wants have minded, it's all in my way; but it's to speak to him partickler.' So the serthe being shut up by yourself in one room vant he opens his eyes, and stares about for five days, without so much as an old him all ways-looking for the gentleman newspaper to look at, or any thing to see as it struck me, for I don't think anybody out o' the winder but the roofs and chim- but a man as was stone-blind would misneys at the back of the house, or any take Fixem for one; and as for me, I thing to listen to, but the ticking, perhaps, was as seedy as a cheap cowcumber. of an old Dutch clock, the sobbing of the Hows'ever, he turns round, and goes to missis, now and then, the low talking of the breakfast-parlour, which was,a little friends in the next room, who speak in snug sort of room at the end of the paswhispers, lest' the man' should overhear sage, and Fixem (as we always did in them, or perhaps the occasional opening that profession,) without waiting to be of the door, as a child peeps in to look at announced, walks in arter him, and beyou, and then runs half-frightened away fore the servant could.get out-' Please, -It's all this, that makes you feel sneak- sir, here's a man as wants to speak to ing somehow, and ashamed of yourself; you,' looks in at the door as familiar and and then, if it's winter time, they just give pleasant as may be.' Who the devil are you fire enough to make you think you'd you, and how dare you walk into a genlike more, and bring in your grub as if tleman's house without leave' says the they wished it'ud choke you-as I dare master, as fierce as a bull in fits.'My say they do, for the matter of that, most name,' says Fixem, winking to the master heartily. Ifl ey're very civil, they make to send the servant away, and putting the you up a bed in the room at night, and if warrant into his hands folded up like a they don't, your master sends one in for note,' My name's Smith,' says he,' and I you; but there you are, without being called from Johnson's about that business washed or shaved all the time, shunned of Thompson's'-' Oh,' says the other, by everybody, and spoken to by no one, quite down on him directly,'How is unless some one comes in at dinner time, Thompson?' says he;' Pray sit down. and asks you whether you want any more, Mr. Smith: John, leave the room.' Out in a tone as much as to say' I hope you went the servant; and the gentleman and don't,' or, in the evening, to inquire whe- Fixem looked at one another till they ther you wouldn't rather have a candle, couldn't look any longer, anld then they after you've been sitting in the dark half varied the amusements by looking at me, the night. When I was left in this way, who had been standing on the mat all I used to sit, think, think, thinking, till I this time.' Hundred and fifty pounds, I felt as lonesome as a kitten in a wash- see,' said the gentleman at last.' Hunhouse copper with the lid on; but I be- dred and fifty pound,' said Fixem,'believe the old broker's men who are regu- sides cost of levy, sheriff's poundage, and arly trained to it, never think at all. I all other incidental expenses.'-' Urn' says have heard some on'em say, indeed, that the gentleman,'I sha'n't be able to settle they don't know how! this before to-morrow afternoon.'-' Very " I put in a good many distresses in my sorry; but I shall be obligea to leave my '28 SKETCHES BY BOZ. man here till then,' replies Fixem, pre- laying aside the knowing look, and flash tending to look very miserable over it. air, with which he had repeated the pre.' That's very unfort'nate,' says the gentle- vious anecdote —" and I'm sorry to say, man,'for I have got a large party here it's the side one sees very, very, seldom, to-night, and I'm ruined if those fellows in comparison with the dark one. The of mine get an inkling of the matter- civility which money will, purchase, is just step here, Mr. Smith,' says he, after rarely extended to those who have none; a short pause. So Fixerm walks with him and there's a consolation even in being up to the window, and after a good deal able to patch up one difficulty, to make of whispering, and a little chinking of way for another, to which very poor peosuverins, and looking at me, he comes pie are strangers. I was once put into a back and says,'Bung, you're a handy fel- house down George's-yard-that little low, and very honest I know. This gen- dirty court at the back of the gas-works; tleman wants an assistant to clean the and I never shall forget the misery of plate and wait at table to-day, and if them people, dear me! It was a distress you're not particularly engaged,' says old for half a year's rent-two pound ten I Fixer, grinning like mad, and shoving a think. There was only two rooms in the couple of suverins into my hand,'he'll house, and as there was no passage, the be very glad to avail himself of your ser- lodgers up stairs always went through vices.' Well, I laughed, and the gentle- the room of the people of the house, as man laughed, and we all laughed; and I they passed in and out; and every time went home and cleaned myself, leaving they did so-which, on the average, was Fixem there, and when I went back, about four times every quarter of an hour Fixem went away, and I polished up the -they blowed up quite frightful: for their plate, and waited at table, and gammoned things had been seized too, and included the servants, and nobody had the least in the inventory. There was a little idea I was in possession, though it very piece of enclosed dust in front of the nearly came out after all; for one of the house, with a cinder-path leading up to last gentlemen who remained, came down the door, and an open rain-water butt on stairs into the hall where I was sitting one side. A dirty striped curtain, on a pretty late at night, and putting half-a- very slack string, hung in the window, crown into my hand, says,' Here my and a little triangular bit of broken lookman,' says he,'run and get me a coach, ing-glass rested on the sill inside. I supwill you' I thought it was a do, to get pose it was meant for the people's use, me out of the house, and was just going but their appearance was so wretched, to say so, sulkily enough, when the gen- and so miserable, that I'm certain they tleman (who was up to every thing) came never could have plucked up courage to running down stairs, as if he was in look themselves in the face a second time, great anxiety.'Bung,' says he, pretend- if they survived the fright of doing so ing to be in a consuming passion.'Sir,' once. There was two or three chairs, says I.' Why the devil an't you looking that might have been worth, in their best after that plate?'' I was just going to days, from eight-pence to a shilling send him for a coach for me,' says the a-piece; a small deal table, an old corner other gentleman.' And I was just a go- cupboard with nothing in it, and one of ing to say,' says I-' Any body else, my those bedsteads which turn up half-way, dear fellow,' interrupts the master of the and leave the bottom legs sticking out for house, pushing me down the passage to you to knock your head against, or hang get me out of the way-' any body else; your hat upon; no bed, no bedding. but I have put this man in possession of There was an old sack, by way of rug, all the plate and valuables, and I cannot before the fire-place, and four or five chilallow him, on any consideration whatever, dren were grovelling about, among the to leave the house. Bung, you scoundrel, sand on the floor. The execution was go and count those forks in the breakfast- only put in, to get'em out of the house, parlour instantly.' You may be sure I for there was nothing to take to pay the went laughing pretty hearty when I found expenses; and here I stopped for tnree it was all right. The money was paid days, though that was a mere form too: next day, with the additioli.;f something for, in course, I knew, and we all knew. else for myself, and that was the best job they could never pay the money. In one that I (and I suspect old Fixern too) ever of the chairs, by the side of the place got in that line. where the fire ought to have been. -: " But this is the bright side of the pie- an old'ooman-the ugliest and dirties. i itre, sir, after all," resumed Mr. Bung, ever see-who sat rocking herself baciK ~I(6i~ j \\ __ (__':II~~linei~~~l~,~~~~~ —-------------------— "",,,,,;~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~' OUR PARISH. 29 wards and forwards, backwards and for- there was a sort of quiet misery-if you wards, without once stopping, except for understand what I mean by that, siran instant now and then, to clasp together about a lady at one house I was put into, the withered hands which, with these as touched me a good deal more. It exceptions, she kept constantly rubbing doesn't matter where it was exactly: inupon her knees, just raising and depress- deed, I'd rather not say, but it was the ing her fingers convulsively, in time to same sort o' job. I went with Fixem in the rocking of the chair. On the other the usual way-there was a year's rent side sat the mother with an infant in her in arrear; a very small servant-girl openarms, which cried till it cried itself to ed the door, and three or four fine-looking sleep, and when it'woke, cried till it little children was in the front parlour cried itself off again. The old'ooman's we were shown into, which was very voice I never heard: she seemed com- clean, but very scantily furnished, much pletely stupified; and as to the mother's, like the children themselves.'Bung, it would have been better if she had been says Fixem to me, in a low voice, when so too, for misery had changed her to a we were left alone for a minute,'I know devil. If you had heard how she cursed something about this here family, and my the little naked children as was rolling opinion is, it's no go.''Do you think on the floor, and seen how savagely she they can't settle 3' says I, quite anxiousstruck the infant when it cried with hun- ly; for I liked the looks of them children. ger, you'd have shuddered as much as I Fixem shook his head, and was just about did. There they remained all the time: to reply, when the door opened, and in the children ate a morsel of bread once came a lady, as white as ever I see any or twice, and I gave'em best part of the one in my days, except about the eyes, dinners my missis brought me, but the which were red with crying. She walkwoman ate nothing; they never even laid ed in, as firm as I could have done; shut on the bedstead, nor was the room swept the door carefully after her, and sat heror cleaned all the time. The neighbours self down with a face as composed as if were all too poor themselves to take any it was made of stone.' What is the matnotice of'em, but from what I could make ter, gentlemen?' says she, in a surprisin out from the abuse of the woman up steady voice.'Is this an execution' — stairs, it seemed the husband had been'It is, mum,' says Fixem. The lady looktransported a few weeks before. When ed at him as steady as ever: she did'nt the time was up, the landlord and old seem to have understood him.'It is, Fixerm too, got rather frightened about mum,' says Fixem again;'this is my the family, and so they made a stir about warrant of distress, mum,' says he, handit, and had'enl taken to the workhouse. ing it over as polite as if it was a newsThey sent the sick couch for the old paper which had been bespoke arter the'oornan, and Simmons took the children next gentleman. away at night. The old'ooman went "The lady's lip trembled as she too" into the infirmary, and very soon died. the printed paper. She cast her eye ovcThe children are all in the house to this it, and old Fixerm began to explain th,: day, and very comfortable they are in form, but I saw she wasn't reading it, comparison. As to the mother, there was plain enough, poor thing.'Oh, my no taming her at all. She had been a God!' says she, suddenly a-bursting out quiet, hard-working woman, I believe, but crying, letting the warrant fall, and her misery had actually drove her wild; hiding her face in. her hands.'Oh, my so after she had been sent to the house of God! what will become of us!' The correction half-a-dozen times, for throw- noise she made, brought in a young laoy ing inkstands at the overseers, blasphem- of about nineteen or twenty, who, I suping the churchwardens, and smashing pose, had been a-listening at the door, every body as come near her, she burst a and who had got a little boy in her arms: bloodvessel one mornin', and died too; she sat him down in the lady's lap, withand a happy release it was, both for her- out speaking, and she hugged the poor self and the old paupers, male and fe- little fellow to her bosom, and cried over male, which she used to tip over in all him,'till even old Fixem put on his blue directions, as if they were so many skit- spectacles to hide the two tears, that was ties, and she the ball. a-trickling down, one on each side of his "Now this was bad enough," resumed dirty face.'Now, dear ma,' says the Mr. Bung, taking a half-step towards the young lady,'you know how much you door, as if to intimate. that he had nearly have borne. For all our sakes-for pa's concluded. "This was bad enough, but sake,' says she,'don't give way to this" 3* 30 SKETCHES BY BOZ. -' No, no, 1 won't!' says the lady, was, yet, though her dress was thin, and gathering herself up hastily, and drying her shoes none of the best, during the her eyes;' I am very foolish, but I'm bet- whole three days, from morning to night, ter now-much better.' And then she she was out of doors running about to try roused herself up, went with us into and raise the money. The money was every room while we took the inventory, raised, and the execution was paid out. opened all the drawers of her own ac- The whole family crowded into the room cord, sorted the children's little clothes where I was, when the money arrived. to make the work easier; and, except do- The father was quite happy as the inconing every thing in a strange sort of hurry, venience was removed -I dare say he seemed as calm and composed as if no- didn't know how; the children looked thing had happened. When we came merry and cheerful again; the eldest girl down stairs again, she hesitated a minute was bustling about, making preparations or two, and at last says,' Gentlemen,' for the first comfortable meal they had had says she,'I am afraid I have done wrong, since the distress was put in; and the and perhaps it may bring you into trouble. mother looked pleased to see them all so. I secreted just now,' she says,' the only But if ever I saw death in a woman's face, trinket I have left in the world-here it I saw it in hers that night. is.' So she lays down on the table, a lit- "I was right, sir," continued Mr. Bung, tie miniature mounted in gold.'It's a hurriedly passing his coat-sleeve over his miniature,' she says,' of my poor dear face, " the family grew more prosperous father! I little thought once, that I and good fortune arrived. But it was too should ever thank God for depriving me late. Those children are motherless now, of the original, but I do, and have done and their father would give up all he has for years back, most fervently. Take it since gained-house, home, goods, money: away, sir,' she says,' it's a face that never all that he has, or ever can have, to restore turned from me in sickness or distress, the wife he has lost." and I can hardly bear to turn from it now, whe::, God knows, I suffer both in no ordinary degree.' I couldn't say nothing, but I raised my head from the inventory which I was filling up, and looked at Fixem; the old fellow nodded to me sig- CHAPTER VI nificantly, so I ran my pen through the' Mini' I had just written, and left the THE LADIES' SOCIETIES. miniature on the table. "Well, sir, to make short of a long OUR Parish is very prolific in ladies story, I was left in possession, and in charitable institutions. In winter, whep possession I remained: and though I was wet feet are common, and colds not scarce. an ignorant man, and the master of the we have the ladies' soup distribution so. house a clever one, I saw what he never ciety, the ladies' coal distribution society, did, but that he would give worlds now and the ladies' blanket distribution socie(if he had'em) to have seen in time. I ty; in summer, when stone fruits flourish saw, sir, that his wife was wasting away, and stomach-aches prevail, we have the beneath cares of which she never com- ladies' dispensary, and the ladies' sick plained, and griefs she never told. I saw visitation committee, and all the year that she was dying before his eyes; I knew round we have the ladies' child's examithat one exertion from him might have nation society, the ladies' bible and praysaved her, but he never made it. I don't er-book circulation society, and the ladies' blame him: I don't think he could rouse childbed-linen monthly loan society. The himself. She had so long anticipated all two latter are decidedly the most imporhis wishes, and acted for him, that he was tant; whether they are productive of more t lost man when left to himself. I used benefit than the rest, is not for us to say, to think when I caught sight of her, in but we can take upon ourselves to affirm, the clothes she used to wear, which with the utmost solemnity, that they looked shabby even upon her, and would create a greater stir and more bustle, than have been scarcely decent on any one all the others put together. else, that if I was a gentleman it would We should be disposed to affirm, on the wring my very heart to see the woman first blush of the matter, that the bible that was a smart and merry girl when I and prayer-book society is not so popular courted her, so altered through her love as the childbed-linen society; the bible fox me. Bitter cold and damp weather it and prayer-book society has. however, con OUR PARISH. 31 siderably increased in importance within three Miss Browns might have vented itthe last year or two, having derived some self, had not a perfectly providential ocadventitious aid from the factious opposi- currence changed the tide of public feeltion of the child's examination society; ing. Mrs. Johnson Parker,. the mother which factious opposition originated in of seven extremely fine girls-all unmarmanner following:-When the young cu- ried-hastily reported to several other rate was popular, and all the unmarried mammas of several other unmarried famladies in the parish took a serious turn, the ilies, that five old men, six old women, charity children all at once became ob- and children innumerable, in the free seats jects of peculiar and especial interest. near her pew, were in the habit of coinThe three Miss Browns (enthusiastic ad- ing to church every Sunday, without mirers of the curate) taught, and e:er- either bible or prayer-book. Was this to cised, and examined, and re-examined the be borne in a civilized country? Could unfortunate children, until the boys grew such things be tolerated in a Christian pale, and the girls consumptive, with stu- land Never! A ladies' bible and praydy and fatigue. The three Miss Browns er-book distribution society was instantly stood it out very well, because they re- formed: president, Mrs. Johnson Parker; lieved each other; but the children, hav- treasurers, auditors, and secretary, the ing no relief at all, exhibited decided Misses Johnson Parker: subscriptions symptoms of weariness and care. The were entered into, books were bought, all unthinking part of the parishioners laugh- the free-seat people provided therewith, ed at all this, but the more reflective por- and when the first lesson was given out, tion of the inhabitants abstained from ex- on the Sunday succeeding these events, pressing any opinion on the subject until there was such a dropping of books, and that of the curate had been clearly ascer- rustling of leaves, that it was morally imtained. possible to hear one word of the service The opportunity was not long wanting. for five minutes afterwards. The curate preached a charity sermon on The three Miss Browns, and their party, Dehalf of the charity school, and in the saw the approaching danger, and endeacharity sermon aforesaid, expatiated in voured to avert it by ridicule and sarcasm. glowing terms on the praiseworthy and Neither the old men nor the old womnen indefatigable exertions of certain estima- could read their books, now they had got ble individuals. Sobs were heard to issue them, said the three Miss Browns. Never from the three Miss Browns' pew; the mind; they could learn, replied Mrs. pew-opener of the division was seen to Johnson Parker. The children couldn't hurry down the centre aisle to the vestry read either, suggested the three Miss door, and to return immediately, bearing Browns. No matter; they could be a glass of water in her hand. A low taught, retorted Mrs. Johnson Parker. moaning ensued; two more pew-openers A balance of parties took place. The rushed to the spot, and the three Miss Miss Browns publicly examined-popular Browns, each supported by a pew-opener, feeling inclined to the child's examination were led out of the church, and led in society. The Miss Johnson Parkers pubagain after the lapse of five minutes with licly distributed-a reaction took place in white pocket-handkerchiefs to their eyes, favour of the prayer-book distribution. A as if they had been attending a funeral in feather would have turned the scale, and the churchyard adjoining. If any doubt a feather did turn it. A missionary rehad for a moment existed, as to whom the turned from the West Indies; he was to allusion was intended to apply, it was at be presented to the Dissenters' Missienary once removed. The wish to enlighten Society on his marriage with a wealthy the charity children became universal, widow. Overtures were made to the and the three Miss Browns were unani- Dissenters by the Johnson Parkers. Thelr mously besought to divide the school into object was the same, and why not have a. classes, and to assign each class to the joint meeting of the two societies 1 The superintendence of two young ladies. proposition was accepted. The meeting A little learning is a dangerous thing, was duly heralded by public announcebut a little patronage more so; the three ment, and the room was crowded to sufAliss Browns appointed all the old maids, focation. The missionary appeared on the and carefully excluded the young ones. platform; he was hailed with enthusiasm, Maiden aunts triumphed, mammas were He repeated a dialogue he had heardbe reduced to the lowest depth of despair, tween two negroes, behind a hedge, o(, and there is no telling in what act of vio- the subject of distribution societies; the fence the general indignation against the approbation was tumultuous. He gave an 32 2 ISKETCHES BY BOZ. imitation of the two negroes in broken of " cadle," to its patients. And here English; the roof was rent with applause. again the services of the honorary inemFrom that period we date (with one tri- bers are called into requisition, and most fling exception) a daily increase of popu- cheerfully conceded. Deputations of twos larity, which the feeble and impotent op- or threes are sent out to visit the patients, position of the examination party, has only and on these occasions there is such a tended to augment. tasting of caudle and beef-tea, such a stirNow, the great points about the child- ring about of little messes in tiny saucebed-linen monthly loan society are, that it pans on the hob, such a dressing and unis less dependent on the fluctuations of dressing of infants, such a tying, and fold public opinion than either the distribution ing, and pinning; such a nursing and or the child's examination; and that, come warming of little legs and feet befbre the what may, there is never any lack of ob- fire, such a delightful confusion of talking jects on which to exercise its benevo- and cooking, bustle, importance, and offilence. Our parish is a very populous one, ciousness, as never can be enjoyed in its and, if any thing, contributes, we should full extent but on similar occasions. be disposed to say, rather more than its In rivalry of these two institutions, and due share to the aggregate amount of as a last expiring effort to acquire parobirths in the metropolis and its environs. chial popularity, the child's examination The consequence is, that the monthly loan people determined, the other day, on havsociety flourishes, and invests its members ing a grand public examination of the with a most enviable amount of bustling pupils; and the large school-room of the patronage. The society (whose only no- national seminary was, by and with the tion of dividing time, would appear to be consent of the parish authorities, devoted its allotment into months) holds monthly to the purpose. Invitation circulars were tea-drinkings, at which the monthly report forwarded to all the principal parishioners, is received, a secretary elected for the including, of course, the heads of the other month ensuing, and such of the monthly two societies, for whose especial behoof boxes as may not happen to be out on loan and edification the display was intended; for the month, carefully examined, and a large audience was confidently We were never present at one of these anticipated on the occasion. The floor meetings, from all of which it is scarcely was carefully scrubbed the day before, necessary to say, gentlemen are carefully under the immediate superintendence of excluded; but Mr. Bung has been called the three Miss Browns; forms were placed before the board once or twice, and we across the room for the accommodation of have his authority for stating, that its pro- the visitors, specimens of writing were ceedings are conducted with great order carefully selected, and as carefully patched and regularity: not more than four mem- and touched up, until they astonished the bers being allowed to speak at one time children who had written them, rather on any pretence whatever. The regular more than the company who read them; committee is composed exclusively of sums in compound addition were rehearsed married ladies, but a vast number of young and re-rehearsed until all the children had unmarried ladies of from eighteen to twen- the totals by heart; and the preparations ty-five years of age, respectively, are ad- altogether were on the most laborious and mitted as honorary members, partly be- comprehensive scale. The morning arcause they are very useful in replenishing rived: the children were yellow-soaped the boxes, and visiting the confined; part- and flannelled, and towelled, till their faces ly because it is highly desirable that they shone again; every pupil's hair was careshould be initiated, at an early period, into fully combed into his or her eyes, as the the more serious and matronly duties of case might be; the girls were adorned after-life; and partly, because prudent with snow-white tippets, and caps bound mammas have not unfiequently been round the head by a single purple ribbon: known to turn this circumstance to won- the necks of the elder boys were fixed into derfiully good account in matrimonial spe- collars of startling dimensions. culations. The doors were thrown open, and the In addition to the loan of the monthly Misses Brown and Co. were discovered in boxes (which are always painted blue, plain white muslin dresses, and caps of the with the name of the society in large same-the child's examination uniform. white letters on the lid), the society dis- The room filled: the greetings of the pense occasional grants of beef tea, and a company were loud and cordial. The composition of warm beer, spice, eggs, distributionists trembled, for their popu and sugar, commonly known by the name larity was at stake. The eldest boy fell OUR PARISI. 33 forward, and delivered a propitiary address nearly as infallible. Whenever we visit from behind his collar. It was from the a man for the first time, we contenplhate pen of Mr. Henry Brown; the applause the features of his knocker with the was universal, and the Johnson Parkers greatest curiosity, for we well know, that were aghast. The examination proceeded between the man and his knocker, there with success, and terminated in triumph. will inevitably be a greater or less degree The child's examination society gained of resemblance and sympathy. a momentary victory, and the Johnson For instance, there is one description Parkers retreated in despair. of knocker that used to be common enough, A Secret council of the distributionists but which is fast passing away-a large was held that night, with Mrs. Johnson round one, with the jolly face of a con. Parker in the chair, to consider of the best vivial lion smiling blandly at you, as you means of recovering the ground they had twist the sides of your hair into a curl, lost in the favour of the parish. What or pull up your shirt-collar while you are could be done? Another meeting! Alas! waiting for the door to be opened; we never who was to attend it? The Missionary saw that knocker on the door of a churlish wouild not do twice; and the slaves were man-so far as our experience is concerned emancipa.ted. A bold step must be taken. it invariably bespoke hospitality and an The parish must be astonished in some other bottle. way or other; but no one was able to No man ever saw this knocker on the suggest what the step should be. At door of a small attorney or bill-broler; length, a very old lady was heard to mum- they always patronize the other lion; a ble, in indistinct tones, " Exeter Hall." heavy ferocious-looking fellow, with a A sudden light broke in upon the meeting. countenance expressive of savage stupidity It was unanimously resolved, that a depu- - a sort of grand master among the tatioi of old ladies should wait upon a knockers, and a great fa.vourite with the celebrated orator imploring his assistance, selfish and brutal. and the favour of a speech; the orator Then there is a little pert Egyptian (an Irishman) came. He talked of green knocker, with a long thin face, a pinched isles-other shores-vast Atlantic-bosom up nose, and a very sharp chin; he is of the deep-Christian charity-blood and most in vogue with your government-office extermination-mercy in hearts-arms in people, ir iight drabs and starched cravats; hands-altars and homes-household gods. little spare priggish men, who are perfectly He wiped his eyes, he blew his nose, and satisfied with their own opinions, and conhe quoted Latin. The effect was tremen- sider themselves of paramount import-:ous-the Latin was a decided hit. Nobody ance. knew exactly what it was about, but We were greatly troubled a few years every body knew it must be affecting, ago, by the innovation of a new kind of because even the orator was overcome, knocker, without any face at all, composed The popularity of the distribution society of a wreath, depending from a hand or among the ladies of our parish is unpre- small truncheon. A little trouble and cedented; and the child's examination is attention, however, enabled us to overcome going fast to decay. this difficulty, and to reconcile the new systemn to our favourite theory. You will invariably find this knocker on the doors of cold and formal people, who always ask you why you don't come, and never say do. CHAPTER VII. Every body knows the brass knocker is common to suburban villas, and extensive OUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR. boarding-schools; and having noticed this genus, we have recapitulated all the most WVE are very fond of speculating as we prominent and strongly-defined species. walk through a street, on the character Some phrenologists affirm, that the and pursuits of the people who inhabit it; nagitation of a man's brain by dtfferent and nothing so materially assists us in passions, produces corresponding developthesespeculations as the appearance of thQ ments in tile form of his skull. Do not house doors. The various expressions of let us be understood as pushing our theory the human countenance affird a beautiful to the length of asserting, that anly alter and interesting study; but there is some- ation in a man's iisposition would produce thing in the physiognomy of street-door a visible effect on the feature of his knockknockers, almnost as chairacteristic, and cr....ur positGon merely is that in such; E 34 SKETCHES BY BOZ. a case, the magnetism which must exist caddy, a few more shells on the mantelbetween a man and his knocker, would piece, and three peacock's feathers tasteinduce the man to remove, and seek some fully arranged above them, completed the knocker more congenial to his altered decorative furniture of the apartment. feelings. If you ever find a man chang- This was the room destined for the reing his habitation without any reasonable ception of the single gentleman during pretext, depend upon it, although he may the day, and a little back room on the not be aware of the fact himself, it is same floor was assigned as his sleeping because he and his knocker are at variance. apartment by night. This is a new theory, but we venture to The bill had not been long in the winlaunch it, nevertheless, as being quite as dow, when a stout good-humoured looking ingenious and infallible as many thousand gentleman, of about five-and-thirty, apof the learned speculations which are peared as a candidate for the tenancy. daily broached for public good and private Terms were soon arranged, for the bill fortune-making. was taken down immediately after his Entertaining these feelings on the sub- first visit. In a day or two the single ject of knockers, it will be readily ima- gentleman came in, and shortly aftergined with what consternation we viewed wards his real character came out. the entire removal of the knocker from First of all, he displayed a most extrathe door of the next house to the one we ordinary partiality for sitting up till three lived in, some time ago, and the substitu- or four o'clock in the morning, drinking tion of a bell. This was a calamity we whiskey-and-water, and smoking cigars; had never anticipated. The bare idea of then he invited friends home, who ulsed any body being able to exist without a to come at ten o'clock, and begin to get knocker, appeared so wild and visionary, happy about the small hours, when they that it had never for one instant entered evinced their perfect contentment by singour imagination. ing songs with half-a-dozen verses of two We sauntered moodily from the spot, lines each, and a chorus of ten, which and bent our steps towards Eaton Square, chorus used to be shouted forth by the then just building. What was our as- whole strength of the company, in the tonishment and indignation to find that most enthusiastic and vociferous manner. bells were fast becoming the rule, and to the great annoyance of the neighbours, knockers the exception! Our theory and the special discomfort of another sin trembled beneath the shock. We hasten- gle gentleman overhead. ed home; and fancying we foresaw in Now, this was bad enough, occurring the swift progress of events, its entire as it did three times a week on the aver abolition, resolved from that day forward age, but this was not all; for when the to vent our speculations on our next-door company did go away, instead of walking neighbours in person. The house adjoin- quietly down the street, as any body else's ing ours on the left hand was uninhabit- company would have done, they amused ed, and we had, therefore, plenty of lei- themselves by making alarming and sure to observe our next-door neighbours frightful noises, and counterfeiting the on the other side. shrieks of females in distress; and one The house without the knocker was in night, a red-faced gentleman in a, white the occupation of a city clerk, and there hat knocked in a most urgent manner at was a neatly-written bill in the parlour the door of the powdered-headed old genwindow, intimating that lodgings for a'tleman at No. 3, and when the powderedsingle gentleman were to be let within. headed old gentleman, who thought one It was a neat, dull little house, on the -of his married daughters must have been shady side of the way, with new, narrow taken il prematurely, had groped down floorcloth in the passage, and new narrow stairs, and after a great deal of unbolting stair-carpets up to the first floor. The and key-turning, opened the street door, paper was new, and the paint was new, the red-faced man in the white hat said and the furniture was new; and all three, he hoped he'd excuse his giving him so paper, paint, and furniture, bespoke the much trouble, but he'd feel obliged if he'd limited means of the tenant. There was favour him with a glass of cold spring a little red and black carpet in the draw- water, and the loan of a shilling for a cal ing-room, with a border of flooring all the to take him home, on which the old genway round; a few stained chairs and a tleman slammed the door and went up oembroke table. A pink shell was dis- stairs, and threw the contents of his played on each of the.little sideboards, water jug out of window-very straight, which. with the addition of a tea-tray and only it went over the wrong man; and / 7 // 7j''?HYI/' 95g1 Th: gm'' ~j 111 llif 4 OUR PARISH. 35 the whole street was involved in con- last, of just his own way of thinking-a fusion.' serious, well-disposed man, who abhorred A joke's a joke; and even practical gaiety, and loved retirement. He took jests are very capital in their way, if you down the bill with a light heart, and piccan only get the other party to see the tured in imagination a long series of fun of them; but the population of our quiet Sundays, on which he and his lodger street were so dull of apprehension, as to would exchange mutual civilities and be quite lost to a sense of the drollery of Sunday papers. this proceeding: and the consequence The serious man arrived, and his lugwas, that our next-door neighbour was gage was to arrive from the country the obliged to tell the single gentleman, that next morning. He borrowed a clean shirt, unless he gave up entertaining his friends and a prayer-book, from our next-door at home, he really must be compelled to neighbour, requesting that he might be part with him. The single gentleman called punctually at ten o'clock next received the remonstrance with great morning-not before, as he was much fagood-humour, and promised fiom that tigued. time forward, to spend his evenings at a He was called, and did not answer: he coffee-house-a determination which af- was called again, but there was no reply. forded general and unmixed satisfaction. Our next-door neighbour became alarmed The next night passed off very well, and burst the door open. The serious every body being delighted with the man had left the house mysteriously; carchange; but on the next, the noises were rying with him the shirt, the prayer-book, renewed with greater spirit than ever. a tea-spoon, and the bedclothes. The single gentleman's friends being un- Whether this occurrence, coupled with able to see him in his own house every the irregularities of his former lodger, alternate night, had come to the determi- gave our next-door neighbour an aversion nation of seeing him home every night; to single gentlemen, we know not; we and what with the discordant greetings only know that the next bill which made of the friends at parting, and the noise its appearance in the parlour window increated by the single gentleman in his timated generally, that there were furpassage up stairs, and his subsequent nished apartments to let on the first floor. struggles to get his boots off, the evil was The bill was soon removed. The new not to be borne. So, our next-door neigh- lodgers at first attracted our curiosity, and hour gave the single gentleman, who was afterwards excited our interest. a very good lodger in other respects, They were a young lad of eighteen or notice to quit; and the single gentleman nineteen, and his mother, a lady of about went away, and entertained his friends in fifty, or it might be less. The mother other lodgings. wore a widow's weeds, and the boy was The next applicant for the vacant first also clothed in deep mourning. They floor, was of a very different character were poor-very poor; —for their only from the troublesome single gentleman means of support, arose from the pittance who had just quitted it. He was a tall, the boy earned, by copying writings, and thin, young gentleman, with a profusion translating for booksellers. of brown hair, reddish whiskers, and very They had removed from some country slightly developed mustaches. He wore place and settled in London; partly bea braided surtout, with frogs behind, light cause it afforded better chances of employgray trousers, and wash-leather gloves, ment for the boy, and partly, perhaps, and had altogether rather a military ap- with the natural desire to leave a place pearance. So unlike the roystering sin- where they had been in better circumgle gentleman. Such insinuating man- stances, and where their poverty was ners, and such a delightful address! So known. They were proud under their seriously disposed, too! When he first reverses, and above revealing their wants came to look at the lodgings, he inquired'and privations to strangers. How bitter most particularly whether he was sure to those privations were, and how hard the be able to get a seat in the parish church, boy worked to remove them, no one ever and when he had agreed to take them, knew but themselves. Night after night, he requested to have a list of the different two, three, four hours after midnight, local charities, as he intended to subscribe could we hear the occasional raking up his mite to the most deserving among of the scanty fire, or the hollow and halfthem. stifled cough, which indicated his being Our next-door neighbour was now per- still at work; and day after day, could fectly happy. He had got a lodger at we see more plainly, that nature had 36 SKETCHES BY BOZ. set that unearthly light in his plaintive how fruitless was the attempt to deceive face, which is the beacon of her worst herself. disease. We sat down by the head of the sofa Actuated, we hope, by a higher feel- but said nothing, for we saw the breath ing than mere curiosity, we contrived to of life was passing gently but rapidly establish, first an acquaintance, and then from the young form before us. At every a close intimacy, with the poor strangers. respiration his heart beat more slowly. Our worst fears were realized; the boy The boy placed one hand in ours, graspwas sinking fast. Through a part of the ed his mother's arm with the other, drew winter, and the whole of the following her hastily towards him, and fervently spring and summer, his labours were un- kissed her cheek. There was a pause. ceasingly prolonged: and the mother at- He sunk back upon his pillow, and looked tempted to procure needle-work-embroide- long and earnestly in his mother's face. ry-any thing for bread. "William, William!" murmured the A few shillings now and then, were all mother after a long interval, " don't look she could earn. The boy worked steadily at me so-speak to me, dear I" on; dying by minutes, but never once The boy smiled languidly, but an ingiving utterance to complaint or mur- stant afterwards his features resolved into mur. the same cold, solemn gaze. One beautiful autumn evening we went "William, dear William! rouse yourto pay our customary visit to the invalid, self, dear; don't look at me so, love-pray His little remaining strength had been don't! Oh, my God! what shall I do!"' decreasing rapidly for two or three days cried the widow, clasping her hands in preceding, and he was lying on the sofa agony —" my dear boy! he is dying!" at the open window, gazing at the set- The boy raised himself by a violent ting sun. His mother had been read- effort, and folded his hands togethering the Bible to him, for she closed the " Mother! dear, dear mother, bury me in book as we entered, and advanced to the open fields-anywhere but in these meet us. dreadful streets. I should like to be where " I was telling William," she said, " that you can see my grave, but not in these we must manage to take him into the close crowded streets; they have killed country somewhere, so that he may get me; kiss me again, mother; put your arm quite well. He is not ill, you know, but round my neck " he is not very strong, and has exerted He fell back and a strange expression himself too much lately." Poor thing! stole upon his features; niot of pain or The tears that streamed through her fin- suffering, but an indescrioable fixing of gers, as she turned aside, as if to adjust every line and muscle. her close widow's cap, too plainly showed The boy was dead. SCENES. (37) SCENES. CHAPTER I. escaping public observation. A partially opened bedroom window here and there, THE STREETS-MORNING. bespeaks the heat of the weather, and the uneasy slumbers of its occupant; and THE appearance presented by the streets the dim scanty flicker of the rushlight,:f London an hour before sunrise, on a through the window-blind, denotes the summer's morning, is most striking even chamber of watching or sickness. With to the few whose unfortunate pursuits of these few exceptions, the streets present pleasure, or scarcely less unfortunate no signs of life, nor the houses of habitapursuits of business, cause them to be tion. well acquainted with the scene. There -An hour wears away; the spires of the is an air of cold, solitary desolation about churches and roofs of the principal buildthe noiseless streets which we are accus- ings are faintly tinged with the light of tomed to see thronged at other times by the rising sun; and the streets, by almost a busy, eagei crowd, and over. the quiet, imperceptible degrees, begin to resume closely-shut buildings, which throughout their bustle and animation. Market-carts the day are swarming with life and bus- roll slowly along: the sleepy waggoner tle, that is very impressive. impatiently urging on his tired horses, or The last drunken man, who shall find vainly endeavouring to awaken the boy, his way home before sun-light, has just who, luxuriously stretched on the top of staggered heavily along, roaring out the the fruit-baskets, forgets, in happy obburden of the drinking song of the pre- livion, his long-cherished curiosity to bevious night: the last houseless vagrant hold the wonders of London. whom penury and police have left in the Rough, sleepy-looking animals of streets, has coiled up his chilly limbs in strange appearance, something between some paved corner, to dream of food and ostlers and hackney-coachmen, begin to warmth. The drunken, the dissipated, take down the shutters of early publicand the wretched have disappeared; the houses; and little deal tables, with the more sober and orderly part of the popu- ordinary preparations for a street break-.ation have not yet awakened to the fast, make their appearance at the cus labours of the day, and the stillness of tomary stations. Numbers of men and death is over the streets; its very hue women (principally the latter,) carrying seems to be imparted to them, cold and upon their heads heavy baskets of fruit, lifbless as they look in the gray, sombre toil down the park side of Piccadilly, on light of daybreak..The coach-stands in their way to Covent Garden, and, followthe larger thoroughfares are deserted: ing each other in rapid succession, form the night-houses are closed; and the a long straggling line from. thence to the chosen promenades of profligate misery turn of the road at Knightsbridge. are empty. Here and there, a bricklayer's labourer, An occasional policeman may alone be with the day's dinner tied up in a handseen at the street-corners, listlessly ga- kerchief, walks briskly to his work, and zing on the deserted prospect before him; occasionally a little knot of three or four and now and then a rakish-looking cat schoolboys on a stolen bathing expedition runs stealthily across the road and de- rattle merrily over the pavement, their scends his own area with as much caution boisterous mirth contrasting forcibly with and sliness-bounding first on the water- the demeanour of the little sweep, who, butt, then on the dust-hole, and then having knocked and rung till his arm alighting on the flag-stones-as-if he were aches, and being interdicted by a merci. conscious that his character depended on fill legislature from endangering his lungs his gallantry of the preceding night by calling out, sits patiently down on thO (39h 40 SKETCHES BY BOZ. door-step until the housemaid may hap- of them poking their heads out of the pen to awake. front parlour-window, a minute afterCovent Garden market, and the ave- wards, however, ostensibly with the view nues leading to it, are thronged with of looking at the mail which just then carts of all sorts, sizes, and descriptions, passes by, but really fbr the purpose of from the heavy lumbering waggon, with catching another glimpse of Mr. Todd's its four stout horses, to the jingling cos- young man, who being fond of mails, but termonger's cart with its consumptive more of females, takes a short look at the donkey. The pavement is already strew- mails, and a long look at the girls, much ed with decayed cabbage-leaves, broken to the satisfaction of all parties concerned. haybands, and all the indescribable litter The mail itself goes on to the coachof a vegetable market; men are shout- office in due course, and the passengers ing, carts backing, horses neighing, boys who are going out by the early coach, fighting, basket-women talking, piemen stare with astonishment at the passengers expatiating on the excellence of their who are coming in by the early coach, pastry, and donkeys braying. These and who look blue and: dismal, and are evia hundred other sounds form a compound dently under the influence of that odd discordant enough to a Londoner's ears, feeling produced by travelling, which and remarkably disagreeable to those of makes the events of yesterday morning country gentlemen who art sleeping at seem as if they had happened at least six the Hummums for the first time. months ago, and induces people to wonder Another hour passes away, and the day with considerable gravity whether the begins in good earnest. The servant of friends and relations they took leave of a all work, who, under the plea of sleeping fortnight before, have altered much since very soundly, has utterly disregarded they left them. The coach-office is all "Missis's" ringing for half an hour pre- alive, and the coaches which are just goviously, is warned by Master (whom ing out, are surrounded by the usual Missis has sent up in his drapery to the crowd of Jews and nondescripts, who landing-pla(.e for that purpose,) that it's seem to consider, Heaven knows why, half-past six, whereupon she awakes all that it is quite impossible any man can of a sudden, with well-feigned astonish- mount a coach without requiring at least ment, and goes down stairs very sulkily, six pennyworth of oranges, a penknife, a wishing, while she strikes a light, that pocket-book, a last-year's annual, a penthe principle of spontaneous combustion cil-case, a piece of sponge, and a small would extend itself to coals and kitchen series of caricatures. range. When the fire is lighted, she Half an hour more, and the sun darts opens the street-door to take in the milk, his bright rays cheerfully down the still when, by the most singular coincidence half-empty streets, and shines with sufin the world, she discovers that the ser- ficient force to rouse the dismal laziness vant next-door has just taken in her milk of the apprentice, who pauses every other too, and that Mr. Todd's young man over minute from his task of sweeping out the the way, is, by an equally extraordinary shop and watering the pavement in front chance, taking down his master's shut- of it, to tell another apprentice similarly ters. The inevitable consequence is, that employed, how hot it will be to-day, or to she just steps, milk-jug in hand, as far as stand with his right hand shading his next-door, just to say " good morning," to eyes, and his left resting on the broom,' Betsy Clark, and that Mr. Todd's young gazing at the " Wonder," or the "Tallyman just steps over the way to say " good ho," or the " Nimrod," or some other fast morning" to both of'em; and as the coach, till it is out of sight, when he reaforesaid Mr. Todd's young man is almost enters the shop, envying the passengers as good-looking and fascinating as the on the outside of the fast coach, and baker himself, the conversation quickly thinking of the old red brick house " down becomes very interesting, and probably in the country," where he went to school: would become more so, if Betsy Clark's the miseries of the milk and water, and Missis, who always will be a followin' her thick bread and scrapings, fading into about, didn't give an angry tap at her nothing before the pleasant recollection bedroom window, on which Mr. Todd's of the green field the boys used to play young man tries to whistle coolly, as he in, and the green pond he was caned for goes back to his shop much faster than he presuming to fall into, and other schoolcame from it; and the two girls run back boy associations. to their respective places, and shut their Cabs, with trunks and band-boxeo bestreet-doors with surprising softness, each tween the drivers' legs and outside the SCELNES. 41 apron, rattle briskly up and down the early rise to eight, comes to their aid, and streets on their way to the coach-offices they accordingly put their hats a little or steam-packet wharfs; and the cab- more on one side, and look under the bon. drivers and hackney-coachmen who are nets of all the milliners' and staymakers' on the stand polish up the ornamental apprentices they meet-poor girls!-the part of their din'y vehicles-the former hardest worked, the worst paid, and too wondering how people can prefer "them often, the worst used class of the commuwild beast cariwans of homnibuses, to a nity. ri;clar cab with a fast trotter," and the Eleven o'clock, and a new set of peo. latter admiling how people can trust their ple fill the streets. The goods in the necks into one of " them crazy cabs, when shop-windows are invitingly arranged; the they can have a'spectable'ackney cotche shopmen in their white neckerchiefs and with a pair of'orses as von't run away spruce coats, look as if they couldn't clean with no vun;" a consolation unquestion- a window if their lives depended on it; ably founded on fact, seeing that a hack- the carts have disappeared from Covent ney-coach horse never'was known to run Garden; the waggoners have returned, at all, "except" as the smart cabman in and the costermongers repaired to their front of the rank observes, "except one, ordinary " beats" in the suburbs; clerks and he run back'ards." are at their offices, and gigs, cabs, omniThe shops are now completely opened, buses, and saddle-horses, are conveying and apprentices and shopmen are busily their masters to the same destination. engaged in cleaning and decking the The streets are thronged with a vast windows for the day. The bakers' shops concourse of people, gay and shabby, rich in town are filled with servants and chil- and poor, idle and industrious; and we dren waiting for the drawing of the first come to the heat, bustle, and activity of' batch of rolls-an operation which was NooN. performed a full hour ago in the suburbs; for the early clerk population of Somers and Camden towns, Islington, and Pentonville, are fast pouring into the city, or directing their steps towards Chancerylane and the Inns of Court. Middle-aged CHAPTER IIL men, whose salaries have by no means increased in the same proportion as their TIE STREETS -_ NIHT families, plod steadily along, apparently with no object in view but the counting. BUT the streets of London, to be behouse; knowing by sight almost every held in the very height of their glory, body they meet or overtake, for they have should be seen on a dark, dull, murky seen them every morning, (Sundays ex- winter's night, when there is just enough cepted) during the last twenty years, but damp gently stealing down to make the speaking to no one. If they do happen pavement greasy, without cleansing it of to overtake a personal acquaintance, they any of its impurities; and when the just exchange a hurried salutation, and heavy lazy mist, which hangs over every keep walking on either by his side, or in object, makes the gas-lamps 10ok brighter, front of him, as his rate of walking may and the brilliantly-lighted shops more chance to be. As to stopping to shake splendid, from the contrast they present hands, or to take the friend's arm, they to the darkness around. All the people seem to think that as it is not included in who are at home on such a night as this, their salary, they have no right to do it. seem disposed to make themselves as Small office lads in large hats, who are snug and comfortable as possible; and made men before they are boys, hurry the passengers in the streets have excelalong in pairs with their first coat care- lent reason to envy the fortunate indifully brushed, and the white trousers of viduals who are seated by their own firelast Sunday plentifully besmeared with sides. dust and ink. It evidently requires a In the larger and better kind of streets, considerable mental struggle to avoid in- dining-parlour curtains are closely drawn, vesting part of the day's dinner-money in kitchen fires blaze brightly up, and sathe purchase of the stale tarts so tempt- voury steams of hot dinners salute the ingrly exposed in dusty tins at the pastry- nostrils of the hungry wayfarer, as he cooks' doors; but a consciousness of their plods wearily by the area railings. In own importance and the receipt of seven the suburbs, the muffin-boy rings his way shililngs a week, with the prospect of an down the little street, mtch more slbwlv 4* F 42 SKETCHES -BY BOZ. than he is wont to do; for Mrs. Macklin, Marsh-gate and Victoria Theatre present at No. 4, has no sooner opened her little an appearance of dirt and discomfort on street-door, and screamed out "Muffins!" such a night, which the groups who with all her might, than Mrs. Walker, at lounge about them in no degree tend to No. 5, puts her head out of the parlour- diminish. Even the little block-tin temwindow, and screams "Muffins! " too; pie sacred to baked potatoes, surmounted and Mrs. Walker has scarcely got the by a splendid design in variegated lamps, words out of her lips, than Mrs. Peplow, looks less gay than usual; and as to the over the way, lets loose Master Peplow, kidney-pie stand, its glory has quite dewho darts down the street, with a velocity parted. The candle in the transparent which nothing but buttered muffins in lamp, manufactured of oil-paper, embelperspective could possibly inspire, and lished with " characters," has been blown drars the boy back by main force, where- out fifty times; so the kidney-pie merupon Mrs. Macklin and Mrs. Walker, just chant, tired with running backwards and to save the boy trouble, and to say a few forwards to the next wine-vaults, to get a neighbourly words to Mrs. Peplow at the light, has given up the idea of illumisame time, run over the way and buy nation in despair, and the only signs of their muffins at Mrs. Peplow's door, when his " whereabout," are the bright sparks, it appears from the voluntary statement of which a long irregular train is whirlof Mrs. WValker that her*" kittle's jist a ed down the street every time he opens bilin(, and the cups and sarsers ready his portable oven to hand a hot kidneylaid," and that, as it was such a wretched pie to a customer. night out o' doors, she'd made up her Flat fish, oyster, and fruit venders linger mind to have a mice ot comfortable cup hopelessly in the kennel, in vain endeao' tea-a determinatioa at which, by the vouring to attract customers; and the most singular coincidence, the other two raggedboyswho usually disport themselves ladies had simultaneously arrived. about the streets, stand crouched in little After a little conversation about the knots in some projecting doorway, or under wretchedness of the weather and the the canvas blind of the cheesemonger's, merits of tea, with a digression relative where great flaringgas-lights, unshaded by to the viciousness of boys as a rule, and any glass, display huge piles of bri'ght red the amiability of Master Peplow as an and pale yellow cheeses, mingled with little exception, Mrs. Walker sees her husband five-penny dabs of dingy bacon, various coming down the street; and -as he must tubs of weekly Dorset, and cloudy rolls of want his tea, poor man, after his dirty "best fresh." walk from the Docks, she instantly TUns Here they amuse themselves with theacross, muffins in hand, and Mrs. Macklin atrical converse, arising out of their last does the same, and after a few words to half-price visit to the Victoria gallery, Mrs. Walker, they all pop into their little admire the terrific combat, which is nightly houses, and slam their little street-doors,:encored, and expatiate on the inimitable which are not opened again for the re- -manner in which Bill Thompson can mainder of the evening, except to the ",come the double monkey," or go through nine o'clock "beer," who comes round the mysterious involutions of the sailor's with a lantern in front of his tray, and hornpipe. says as he lends Mrs. Walker " Yester-. it is nearly eleven o'clock, and the cold day's "Tiser," that he's blessed if he can thin rain which has been drizzling so long, harly'hold the pot, much less feel the is beginning to pour down in good earnest; paper, for it's one of the bitterest nights the baked-potato man has departed-the he ever felt,'cept the night when the kidney.pie man has just walked away man was frozen to death in the Brick- with his warehouse on his arm — the field. cheesemonger has drawn in his blind, After a little prophetic conversation and the bys have dispersed. The constant with the policeaan at the street-corner, clicking of pattens on the slippy and touching a probable change in the wea- uneven pavement, and the rustling of ther, and the setting-in. of a hard frost, umbrellas, as the wind blows against the the nine o'clock beer returns to his mas- shop-windows, bear testimony to the inter's house, and employs himself for the clemency of the night; and the policeman, remainder of the.evening, in assiduously with his oil-skin cape buttoned closely stirring the tap-room fire, and deferential- round him, seems, as he holds his hat on ly taking part in the conversation of the his head, and turns round to avoid the worthies assembled -round it. gust of wind and rain which drives against The streets in the vicirity of the him at the street-corner, to be very far SCENES. 43 from congratulating himself on the pros- some harmonic meeting. As a matter of pect before him. curiosity, let us fbllow them thither for a The little chandler's shop with the few moments. cracked bell behind the door, whose me- In a lofty room of spacious dimensions, lancholy tinkling has been regulated by are seated some eighty or a hundred the demand for quarterns of sugar and half- guests knocking little pewter measures on ounces of coffee, is shutting up. The the tables, and hammering away, with the crowds which have been passing to and fro handles of their knives, as if they were so during the whole day, are rapidly dwindling many trunk-makers. They are applaudaway: and the noise of shouting and quar- ing a glee, which has just been executed relling which issues from the public-houses by the three "professional gentlemen" at is almost the only sound that breaks the the top of the centre table, one of whom melancholy stillness of the night. is in the chair-the little pompous man There was another, but it has ceased. with the bald head just emerging from That wretched woman with the infant in the collar of his green coat. The others her arms, round whose meagre form the are seated on either side of him-the stout remnant of her own scanty shawl is care- man with the small voice, and the thinfully wrapped, has been attempting to faced dark man in black. The little man sing some popular ballad, in the hope of in the chair is a most amusing personage, wringing a few pence from the compassion- -such condescending grandeur, and such ate passer-by. A brutal laugh at her weak a voice! voice is all she has gained. The tears "Bass!" as the young gentleman near fall thick and fast down her own pale us with the blue stock forcibly remarks to face; the child is cold and hungry, and his companion, "bass! I b'lieve you; he its low half-stifled wailing adds to thle can go down lower than any man: so low misery of its wretched mother, as she sometimes that you can't hear him." And moans aloud, and sinks despairingly down, so he does. To hear him growling away, on a cold damp door-step. gradually lower and lower down, till he Singing! How few of those who pass can't get back again, is the most delightful such a miserable creature as this, think of thing in the world, and it is quite imposthe anguish of heart, the sinking of soul sible to witness unmoved the impressive and spirit, which the very effort of singing solemnity with which he pours forth his produces. Bitter mockery! Disease, ne- soul in " My'art's in the'ighlands," or glect, and starvation, faintly articulating "The brave old Hoak." The stout man the words of the joyous ditty, that has is also addicted to sentimentality, and enlivened your hours of feasting and mer- warbles "Fly, fly from the world, my riment, God knows how often! It is no Bessy, with me," or some such song, with subject of jeering. The weak tremulous lady-like sweetness, and in the most sevoice tells a fearful tale of want and ductive tones imaginable. famishing; and the feeble singer of this "Pray give your orders, gen'l'm'nroaring song may turn away, only to die pray give your orders,"-says the paleof cold and hunger. faced man with the red head; and deOne o'clock! Parties returning from mands for "goes" of gin and " goes" of the different theatres foot it through the brandy, and pints of stout, and cigars of muddy streets; cabs, hackney-coaches, peculiar mildness, are vociferously made carriages, and theatre-omnibuses, roll from all parts of the room. The "professwiftly by; watermen with dim dirty sional gentlemen are in the very height lanterns in their hands, and large brass of their glory, and bestow condescending plates upon their breasts, who have been nods, or even a word or two of recognishouting and rushing about, for the last tion, on the better known frequenters of two hours, retire to their watering-houses, the room, in the most bland and patronizto solace themselves with the creature ing manner possible. comforts of pipes and purl; the half-price That little round-faced man, with the pit and box frequenters of the theatres small brown surtout, white stockings and throng to the different houses of refresh- shoes, is in the comic line; the mixed air ment; and chops, kidneys, rabbits, oysters, of self-denial, and mental consciousness stout, cigars and "goes" innumerable, are of his own powers, with which he acserved up amidst a noise and confusion knowledges the call of the chair, is parof smoking, running, knife-clattering, and ticularly gratifying. " Gen'l'men," savy waiter-chattering, perfectly indescribable. the little pompous man, accompanying the The more musical portion of the play- word with a knock of the president's going community betake themselves to hammer on the table —"Gen'l'men, allow 44 SKETCHES BY BOZ me to claim your attention-our friend animated as a policeman on duty. NoMr. Smuggins will oblige." —" Bravo!" thing seems to make an impression on shout the company; and Smuggins, after their minds; nothing short of being knocka considerable quantity of coughing by ed down by a porter, or run over by a cab, way of symphony, and a most facetious will disturb their equanimity. You will sniff or two, which afford general de- meet them on a fine day in any of the light, sings a comic song, with a fal-de-ral leading thoroughfares; peep through the — tol-de-rol chorus at the end of every window of a west-end cigar-shop in the verse, much longer than the verse itself. evening, if you can manage to get a It is received with unbounded applause, glimpse between the blue curtains which and after some aspiring genius has volun- intercept the vulgar gaze, and see them teered a recitation, and failed dismally in their own enjoyment of existence. therein, the little pompous man gives an- There they are lounging about, on round other knock, and says, " Gen'l'nen, we tubs and pipe-boxes, in all the dignity of will attempt a glee, if you please." This whiskers, and gilt watch-guards; whisannouncement calls forth a tumultuous pering soft nothings to the young lady in applause, and the more energetic spirits amber, with the large earrings, who, as express the unqualified approbation it af- she sits behind the counter in a blaze of fords them, by knocking one or two stout adoration and gas-light, is the admiration glasses off'their legs-a humorous device; of all the female servants in the neighbut one which frequently occasions some bourhood, and the envy of every milliner's slight altercation when the form of pay- apprentice within two miles round. ing the damage is proposed to be gone One of our principal amusements is to through by the waiter. watch the gradual progress-the rise or Scenes like these are continued until fall-of particular shops. We have form. three or four o'clock in the morning; and ed an intimate acquaintance with several. even when they close, fresh ones open to in different parts of town, and are perthe inquisitive novice. But as a descrip- fectly acquainted with their whole histion of all of them, however slight, would tory. We could name off-hand, twenty require a volume, the contents of which, at least, which we are quite sure have however instructive, would be by no paid no taxes for the last six years. They means pleasing, we make our bow, and are never inhabited for more than two drop the curtain. months consecutively, and, we verily believe, have witnessed every retail trade in the directory. There is one, whose history is a sample of the rest, in whose fate we have taken especial interest, having had the pleasure CHAPTER III. Tof knowing it ever since it has been a shop. It is on the Surrey side of the wa SHOPS AND THEIR TENANTS. ter-a little distance beyond the Marshgate. It was originally a substantial, WHAT inexhaustible food for specula- good-looking private house enough; the tion, do the streets of London afford! We landlord got into difficulties, the house got never were able to agree with Sterne in into Chancery, the tenant went away, and pitying the man who could travel from the house went to ruin. At this period Dan to Beersheba, and say that all was bar- our acquaintance with it commenced: ren; we have not the slightest commise- the paint was all worn off; the winration for the man who can take up his dows were broken, the area was green hat and stick, and walk from Covent Gar- with neglect and the overflowings of the den to St. Paul's Churchyard, and back water-butt; the butt itself was without a into the bargain, without deriving some lid, and the street-door was the very picamusement-we had almost said instruc- ture of misery. The chief pastime of tion-from the perambulation. And yet the children in the vicinity had been to there are such beings: we meet them assemble in a body on the steps, and take it every day. Large black stocks and light in turn to knock loud double knocks at the waistcoats, jet canes and discontented door, to the great satisfaction of the neighcountenances, are the characteristics of bours generally, and especially of the the race; otherpeoplebrush quicklybyyou, nervous old lady next door but one. Nusteadily plodding on to business, or cheer- merous complaints were made, and sevefully running after pleasure. These men ral small basins of water discharged over linger listlessly past, luoking as happy and the offenders, but without effect. In this SCENES. 45 state of things, the marine-store dealer at making some elegant little trifle for sale. the corner of the street, in the most oblig- We often thought, as her pale face looking manner took the knocker ofT, and sold ed more sad and pensive in the dim canit: and the unfortunate house looked more die-light, that if those thoughtless females wretched than ever. who interfere with the miserable market We deserted our friend for a few weeks. of poor creatures such as these, knew but What was our surprise, on our return, to one half of the misery they suffer, and find no trace of its existence! In its the bitter privations they endure, in their place was a handsome shop, fast approach- honourable attempts to earn a scanty subing to a state of completion, and on the sistence, they would, perhaps, resign even shutters were large bills, informing the opportunities for the gratification of vanpublic that it would shortly be opened ity, and an immodest love of self-display with " an extensive stock of linen-drapery rather than drive them to a last dreadful and haberdashery." It opened in due resource, which it would shock the delicourse; there was the name of the pro- cate feelings of these charitable ladies to prietor " and Co." in gilt letters, almost hear named. too dazzling to look at. Such ribbons and. But we are forgetting the shop. Well, shawls! and two such elegant young men we continued to vatch it, and every day behind the counter, each in a clean collar showed too clearly, the increasing poverty and white neck-cloth, like the lover in a of its inmates. The children were clean, farce. As to the proprietor, he did no- it is true, but their clothes were threadthing but walk up and down the shop, and bare and shabby; no tenant had been prohand seats to the ladies, and hold impor- cured for the upper part of the house, rant conversations with the handsomest from the letting of which, a portion of of the young men, who was shrewdly the means of paying the rent was to suspected by the neighbours to be the have been derived, and a slow, wasting "Co." We saw all this with sorrow; we consumption prevented the eldest girl felt a fatal presentiment that the shop was from continuing her exertions. Quarterdoomed and so it was. Its decay was day arrived. The landlord had suffered slow, but sure. Tickets gradually ap- from the extravagance of his last tenant, peared in the windows; then rolls of flan- and he had no compassion for the strugnel, with labels on them, were stuck out- gles of his successor; he put in an exeside the door; then a bill was pasted on cution. As we passed one morning, the the street-door, intimating that the first broker's men were removing the little floor was to be let unfurnished; then one furniture there was in the house, and a of the young men disappeared altogether, newly-posted bill informed us it was and the other took to a black neckerchief, again " To Let." What became of the and the proprietor took to drinking. The last tenant we never could learn; we shop became dirty, broken panes of glass believe the girl is past all suffering, and remained unmended, and the stock disap- beyond all sorrow. God help her! We peared piecemeal. At last the company's hope she is. man came to cut off the water, and then We were somewhat curious to ascerthe linen-draper cut off himself, leaving tain what would be the next stage-for the landlord his compliments and the key. that the place had no chance of succeedThe next occupant was a fancy sta- ing now, was perfectly clear. The bill tioner. The shop was more modestly was soon taken down, and some altera painted than before, still it was neat; but tions were being made in the interior of somehow we always thought, as we pass- the shop. We were in a fever of expeced, that it looked like a poor and strug- tation; we exhausted conjecture- we gling concern. We wished the man imagined all possible trades, none of well, but we trembled for his success. which were perfectly reconcilable with He was a widower evidently, and had our idea of the gradual decay of the teneemployment elsewhere, for he passed us ment. It opened, and we wondered vh) every morning on his road to the city. we had not guessed at the real state of The business was carried on by his eldest the case before. The shop-not a large daughter. Poor girl! she needed no as- one at the best of times-had been consistance. We occasionally caught a verted into two: one was a bonnet-shape glimpse of two or three children, in maker's, the other was opened by a tobacmourning like herself, as they sat in the conist, who also dealt in walking-sticks little parlour behind the shop; and we and Sunday newspapers; the two were never passed at night without seeing the separated by a thin partition, covered with eldest girl at work, either for them, or in tawdry striped paper. 46 SKETCHES BY BOZ. The tobacconist remained in possession country gentleman who lost his way in longer than any tenant within our recol- the Strand, some years ago, the original lection. He was a red-faced, impudent, settlers were found to be a tailor, a pubgood-for-nothing dog, evidently accustom- lican, two eating-house keepers, and a ed to take things as they came, and to fruit-pie maker; and it was also found tr, make the best of a bad job. He sold as contain a race of strong and bulky men, many cigars as he could, and smoked the who repaired to the wharfs in Scotlandrest. He occupied the shop as long as yard regularly every morning, about five he could make peace with the landlord, or six o'clock, to fill heavy waggons with and when he could no longer live in coal, with which they proceeded to disquiet, he very coolly locked the door, and tant places up the country, and supplied bolted himself. From this period, the the inhabitants with fuel. When they two little dens have undergone innumer- had emptied their waggons, they again able changes. The tobacconist was sue- returned for a fresh supply; and this trade ceeded by a theatrical hair-dresser, who was continued throughout the year. ornamented the window with a great As the settlers derived their subsistence variety of" characters," and terrific cor- from ministering to the wants of these bats. The bonnet-shape maker gave primitive traders, the articles exposed for place to a green-grocer, and the histrionic sale, and the places where they were barber was succeeded, in his turn, by a sold, bore strong outward marks of being tailor. So numerous have been the expressly adapted to their tastes and changes, that we have of late done little wishes. The tailor displayed in his winmore than mark the peculiar but certain dow a Lilliputian pair of leather gaiters, indications of a house being poorly in- and a diminutive round frock, while each habited. It has been progressing by al- doorpost was appropriately garnished with most imperceptible degrees. The occu- a model of a coal-sack. The two eatingpiers of the shops have gradually given house-keepers exhibited joints of a magniup room after room, until they have only tude, and puddings of a solidity, which reserved the little parlour for themselves. coal-heavers alone could appreciate; and First there appeared a brass plate on the the fruit-pie maker displayed on his wellprivate door, with " Ladies' School" legi- scrubbed window-board large white combly engraved thereon; shortly afterwards positions of flour and dripping, ornamentwe observed a second brass plate, then a ed with pink stains, giving rich promise bell, and then another bell. of the fruit within, which made their When we paused in front of our old huge mouths water, as they lingered friend, and observed these signs of past. poverty, which are not to be mistaken, But the choicest spot in all Scotlandwe thought, as we turned away, that the yard was the old public-house in the corhouse had attained its lowest pitch of ner. Here, in a dark-wainscotted room degradation. We were wrong. When of ancient appearance, cheered by the we last passed it, a " dairy" was estab- glow of a mighty fire, and decorated with lished in the area, and a party of melan- an enormous clock, whereof the face was choly-looking fowls were amusing them- white, and the figures black, sat the lusty selves by running in at the front door, coalheavers, quaffing large draughts of and out at the back one. Barclay's best, and puffing forth volumes of smoke, which wreathed heavily above their heads, and involved the room in a thick dark cloud. From this apartment might their voices be heard on a winter's night, penetrating to the very bank of the CHAPTER IV. river, as they shouted out some sturdy chorus, or roared forth the burden of a popular SCOTLAND-YARD. song; dwelling upon the last few words with a strength and length of emphasis SCOTLAND-YARD is a small —a very which made the very roof tremble above small-tract of land, bounded on one side them. oy the river Thames, on the other by the Here, too, would they tell old legends gardens of Northumberland House: abut- of what the Thames was in ancient times, ting at one end on the bottom of North- when the Patent Shot Manufactory wasn't umberland-street, at the other on the back built, and Waterloo-bridge had never been of Whitehall-place. When this territory thought of; and they would shake their'wa first accidentally discovered by a heads with portentous looks, to the deep SCENES. 47 edification of the rising generation of rived, and still no tidings of the assassinaheavers, who crowded round them, and tion of the Lord Mayor. The first stone wondered where all this would end; was laid; it was done by a Duke-the whereat the tailor would take his pipe King's brother. Years passed away, and solemnly from his mouth, and say, how the bridge was opened by the King himthat he hoped it might end well, but he self. In the course of time, the piers very much doubted whether it would or were removed; and when the people in not, and couldn't rightly tell what to make Scotland-yard got up next morning in the of it-a mysterious expression of opinion, confident expectation of being able to step delivered with a semi-prophetic air, which over to Pedlar's Acre without wetting the never failed to elicit the fullest concur- soles of their shoes, they found to their unrence of the assembled company; and so speakable astonishment that the water they would go on drinking and wondering was just where it used to be. till ten o'clock came, and with it the tai- A result so different from that which lor's wife to fetch him home, when the they had anticipated fiom this first imlittle party broke up, to meet again in the provement, produced its full effect upon same room, and say and do precisely the the inhabitants of Scotland-yard. One same thing on the following evening at of the eating-house keepers began to court tile same hour. public opinion, and to look for customers About this time the barges that came among a new class of people. He covered up the river began to bring vague ru- his little dining-tables with white cloths, mours to Scotland-yard of somebody in and got a painter's apprentice to inscribe the city having been heard to say, that something about hot joints from twelve to the Lord Mayor had threatened in so two, in one of the little panes of his shopmany words to pull down the old London- window. Improvement began to march bridge, and build up a new one. At first with rapid strides to the very threshold of these rumours were disregarded as idle Scotland-yard. A new market sprungup tales, wholly destitute of foundation, for at IHungerford, and the Police Commisnobody in Scotland-yard doubted that if sioners established their office in Whitethe Lord Mayor contemplated any such hall-place. The traffic in Scotland-yard dark design, he would just be clapped up increased; fresh Members were added to in the Tower for a week or two, and then the House of Commons, the Metropolitan killed off for high treason. Representatives found it a near cut, and By degrees, however, the reports grew many other foot-passengers followed their stronger, and more frequent, and at last a example. barge, laden with numerous chaldrons of We marked the advance of civilization, the best Wallsend, brought up the positive and beheld it with a sigh. The eatingintelligence that several of the arches of house keeper who manfully resisted the the old bridge were stopped, and that pre- innovation of table-cloths, was losing parations were actually in progress for ground every day, as his opponent gained constructing the new one. What an ex- it, and a deadly feud sprung up between citement was visible in the old tap-room them. The genteel one no longer took on that memorable night! Each man his evening's pint in Scotland-yard, but looked into his neighbour's face, pale with drank gin and water at a " parlour" in alarm and astonishment, and read therein Parliament-street. The fruit-pie maker an echo of the sentiments which filled still continued to visit the old room, but his own breast. The oldest heaver pre- he took to smoking cigars, and began to sent proved to demonstration, that the call himself a pastrycook, and to read the moment the piers were removed, all the papers. The old heavers still assembled water in the Thames would run clear off, round the ancient fireplace, but their talk and leave a dry gulley in its place. What was mournful: and the loud song and tht was to become of the coal-barges-of the joyous shout were heard no more. trade of Scotland-yard-of the very ex- And what is Scotland yard now? How istence of its population The tailor have its old customs changed; and how shook his head more sagely than usual, has the ancient simplicity of its inhabitants and grimly pointing to a knife on the ta- faded away! The old tottering publio ble, bid them wait and see what happen- house is converted into a spacious and ed. He said nothing-not he; but if the lofty "wine-vaults;" gold leaf has been Lord Mayor didn't fall a victim to popular used in the construction of the letters indignation, why he would be rather as- which emblazon its exterior, and the poet's tonished; that was all. art has been called into requisition, to inThey did wait; barge after barge ar- timate that if you drink a certain descrip 48 SKETCHES BY BOZ. ----- tion of ale, you must hold fast by the rail. fortune, may help him to the whereabout, The tailor exhibits in his window the pat- either of Scotland-yard, or any one of the tern of a foreign-looking brown surtout, landmarks we have mentioned in describwith silk buttons, a fur collar and fur ing it. cuffs. He wears a stripe down the outside of each leg of his trousers: and we have detected his assistants (for he has CHAPTER V. assistants now) in the act of sitting on the shop-board in the same uniform. SEVEN DIALS. At the other end of the little row of WE have always been of opinion tha houses a boot-maker has established him- if Tom King and the Frenchman had not self in a brick box, with the additional immortalized Seven Dials, Seven Dials innovation of a first floor; and lie exposes would have immortalized itself. Seven for sale, boots-real Wellington boots- Dials! the region of song and poetryan article which, a few years ago, none first effusions, and last dying speeches: of the original inhabitants had ever seen hallowed by the names of Catnac and of or heard of. It was but the other day, Pitts-namesthatwill entwinethemselves that a dress-maker opened another little with costermongers, and barrel organs, box in the middle of the row; and, when when penny magazines shall have superwe thought the spirit of change could seded penny yards'of song, and capital produce no alteration beyond that, a jew- punishment be unknown! eller appeared, and not content with ex- Look at the construction of the -dace. posing gilt rings and copper bracelets out The gordian knot was all very well in its of number, put up an' announcement, way: so wasthe maze of Hampton Court: which still sticks in his window, that " la- so is the maze at the Beulah Spa; so were dies' eals may be pierced within." The the ties of stiff white neckcloths, when the dress-maker employs a young lady who difficulty of getting one on, was only to be wears pockets in her apron; and the equalled by the apparent impossibility of tailor informs the public that gentlemen ever getting it off again. But what involumay have their own materials made up. tions can compare with those of Seven Amidst all this change, and restless- Dials! Where is there such another ness, and innovation, there remains but maze of streets, courts, lanes, and alleys one old man, who seems to mourn the Where such a pure mixture of Englishdownfall of this ancient place. He holds men and Irishmen, as in this complicated no converse with human kind, but seated part of London! We boldly aver that we on a wooden bench at the angle of the wall doubt the veracity of the legend to which which fronts the crossing from Whitehall- we have adverted. We can suppose a place, watches in silence the gambols of man rash enough to inquire at random-at his sleek and well-fed dogs. He is the a house with lodgers too- for a AMr. presiding genius of Scotland-yard. Years Thompson, with all but the certainty before and vears have rolled over his head; but, his eyes, of finding at least two or three in fine weather or in foul, hot or cold, Thompsons in any house of moderate diwet or dry, hail, rain, or snow, he is still mensions; hut a Frenchman a Frenchin his accustomed spot. Misery and want man in Seven Dials! Pooh! He was an are depicted in his countenance; his form Irishman. Tom King's education had is bent by age, his head is gray with been neglected in his infancy, and as he length of trial, but there he sits fiom day couldn't understand half the man said, he to day, brooding over the past; and thither took it for granted he was talking in he will continue to drag his feeble limbs, French. until his eyes. have closed upon Scotland- The stranger who finds himself in " The yard, and upon the world together. Dials" for the first time, and stands BelA few years hence, and the antiquary zoni-like, at the entrance of seven obscure of another generation, looking into some passages, uncertain which to take, will mouldy record of the strife and passions see enough around him to keep his curithat agitated the world in these times, osity and attention awake for no inconimay glance his eye over the pages we siderable time. From the irregular square have just filled: and not all his knowledge into which he has plunged, the streets and,f the history of the past, not all his black- courts dart in all directions, until they are setter lore, or his skill in book-collecting, lost in the unwholesome vapour which not all the dry studies of a long life, or hangs over the house-tops, and renders'.he dusty volumes that have cost him a the dirty perspective, uncertain and con SCENES 49 fined; and lounging at every corner, as if general, and terminates, in minor play. they cane there to take a few gasps of bill phraseology, with "arrival of the such fresh air as has found its way so far, policemen, interior of the station-house, but is too much exhausted already, to be and impressive denouement." enabled to force itself into the narrow In addition to the numerous groups alleys around, are groups of people, whose who are idling about the gin-shops, and. appearance and dwellings would fill any squabbling in the centre of the road, mind but a regular Londoner's with aston- every post in the open space has its occuislhment. pant, who leans against it fbr hours, with On one side, a little crowd has collected listless perseverance. It is odd enough round a couple of ladies, who having that one class of men in London appear imbibed the contents of various "three- to have no enjoyment beyond leaning outs" of gin and bitters in the course of the against posts. We never saw a regular morning, have at length differed onsome bricllayer's labourer take any other re point of domestic arrangement, and are creation, fighting excepted. Pass through on the eve of settling the quarrel satis- St. Giles's in the evening of a week-day, filtorily, by an appeal to blows, greatly there they are in their fustian dresses, to the interest of other ladies who live spotted with brick-dust and whitewash, in the same house, and tenements ad- leaning against posts. Walk through joining, and who are all on one side or Seven Dials on Sunday morning: there other. they are again, drab, or light corduroy "Vy don't you pitch into her, Sarah V" trousers, Blucher boots, blue coats, and exclaims one half-dressed matron, by way great yellow waistcoats, leaning against of encouragement. " Vy don't you? if posts. The idea of a man dressing himmy'usband had treated her with a dram self in his best clothes, to lean against a last night, unbeknown to me, I'd tear her post all day! precious eyes out-a wixen!" The peculiar character of these streets, WThat's the matter, ma'am 2" inquires and the close resemblance each one bears another old woman, who has just bustled to its neighbour, by no means tends to up to the spot. decrease the bewilderment in which the 6"Matter!" replies the first speaker, unexperienced wayfarer through "the talking at the obnoxious combatant, " mat- Dials" finds himself involved. He trater! Here's poor dear Mrs. Sulliwin, as verses streets of dirty, straggling houses, has five blessed children of her own, can't with now and then an unexpected court go out a charing for one arternoon, but composed of buildings as ill-proportioned what hussies must be a comin', and'ticing and deformed as the half-naked children avay her oun''us;band, as she's been mar- that wallow in the kennels. IHere and ried to twelve year come next Easter there, a little dark chandler's shop, witl Monday, fbr I see the certificate ven I was a cracked bell hung up behind the door a drinkin' a cup o' tea vith her, only the to announce the entrance of a customer, werry last blessed Ven'sday as ever was or betray the presence of some young sent. I'appen'd to say promiscuously gentleman in whom a passion for shop'Mrs. Sulliwin,' says I-" tills has developed itself at an early age: " What do you mean by hussies?" in- others, as if for support, lean against some terrupts a champion of the other party, handsome lofy building, which usurps who has evinced a strong inclination the place of a low dingy public-house; throughout to get up a branch fight on her long rows of broken and patched windows own account (" Hoo-roar, ejaculates a pot- expose plants that may have flourished boy in parenthesis, " put the kye-bosk on when " The Dials" were built, in vessels her, Mary!"), " What do you mean by as dirty as "The Dials" themselves; anid hussies?" reiterates the champion. shops for the purchase of rags, bones, old "Niver mind," replies the opposition iron, and kitchen-stuff, vie in cleanliness expressively, " niver mind; you go home, with the bird-fanciers and rabbit-dealers, and, ven you're quite sober, mend your which one might fancy so many arks, but stockinos." for the irresistible conviction that no bird Tifis somewhat personal allusion, not in its proper senses, who was permitted only to the lady's habits of intemperance, to leave one of them, would ever come but also to the state of her wardrobe, back again. Brokers' shops, which would rouses her utmost ire, and she according- seem to have been established by humane iy complies with the urgent request of individuals, as refuges for destitute bugs,,he bystanders to "pitch in," with con- interspersed with announcements of daydiderable alacrity. The scufle became schools, penny theatres, petition-writers, 5 G 50 SKETCHES BY BOZ. mangles, and music for balls or routs, than the native Diallers could not be complete the " still lifo" of the subject; imagined. Alas! the man in the shop and dirty men, filthy women, squalid chil- illtreats his family; the carpet-beater exdren, fluttering shuttlecocks, noisy battle- tends his professional pursuits to his wife; dores, reeking pipes, bad fruit, more than the one-pair front has an undying feud doubtful oysters, attenuated cats, depres- with the two-pair front, in consequence of sed dogs, and anatomical fowls, are its the two-pair front persisting in dancing cheerful accompaniments. over his (the one-pair front's) head, when If the external appearance of the he and his family have retired for the houses, or a glance at their inhabitants, night; the two-pair back will interfere present but few attractions, a closer ac- with the front kitchen's children; the quaintance with either is little calculated Irishman comes home drunk every other to alter one's first impression. Every night, and attacks every body; and the room has its separate tenant, and every one-pair back screams at every thing. tenant is, by the same mysterious dispen- Animosities spring up between floor and sation which causes a country curate to floor; the very cellar asserts his equality. " increase and multiply" most marvel- Mrs. A. "smacks" Mrs. B.'s child, for lously, generally the head of a numerous ", making faces." Mrs. B. forthwith throws family. cold water over Mrs. A.'s child for " call-'The man in the shop, perhaps, is in the ing names." The husbands are embroilbaked "jemmny" line, or the firewood and ed-the quarrel becomes general-an ashearthstone line, or any other line which sault is the consequence, and a policerequires a floating capital of eighteen officer the result. pence or thereabouts; and he and his family live in the shop, and the small back parlour behind it. Then there is an Irish labourer and his family in the back kitchen, and a jobbing-man-carpetbeater and so forth-with his family in the front one. In the front one-pair, CHAPTER VI. there's another mai with another wife and family, and in the back one-pair MEDITATIONS IN MONMOUTH-STREET. there's "a young'oman as takes in tambour-work, and dresses quite genteel," WE have always entertained a particuwho talks a good deal about " my friend," lar attachment towards Monmouth-street, and can't " abear any thing low." The as the only true and real emporium, for second floor fiont, and the rest of the second-hand wearingapparel. Monmouthlodgers, are just a second edition of the street is venerable from its antiquity, and people below, except a shabby-genteel respectable from its usefulness. Iolyman in the back attic, who has his half- well-street we despise; the red-headed pint of coffee every morning fiom the and red-whiskered Jews who forcibly coffee-shop next door but one, which haul you into their squalid houses, and boasts a little front den called a coffee- thrust you into a suit of clothes, whether room, with a fireplace, over which is an you will or not, we detest. inscription, politely requesting that, "to The inhabitants of Monmouth-street prevent mistakes," customers will " please are a distinct class; a peaceable and reto pay on delivery." The shabby-genteel tiring race, who immure themselves for man is an object of some mystery, but as the most part in deep cellars, or small he leads a life of seclusion, and never back parlours, and who seldom come forth was known to buy any thing beyond an into the world, except in the dusk and occasional pen, except half-pints of coffee, coolness of evening, when they may be penny loaves, and ha'porths of ink, his seen seated, in chairs on the pavement, fellow-lodgers very naturally suppose him smoking their pipes, or watching the to be an author; and rumours are cur- gambols of their engaging children as rent in the Dials, that he writes poems they revel in the gutter, a happy troop obr Mr. Warren. of infantine scavengers. Their counteNow any body who passed through the nances bear a thoughtful and a dirty cast, Dials on a hot summer's evening, and certain indications of their love of traffic, saw the different women of the house and their habitations are distinguished by gossiping on the steps, would be apt to that disregard of outward appearance, think that all was harmony among them, and neglect of personal comfort, so cornand that a more primitive set of people mon among people who are constantly CL i i!! TAKLOP., i fii~i~n II I ooT I!'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~L ~~ P. ~'CIho SCENES. 51 immersed in profound speculations, and to be a fantastic one, and we looked at the deeply engaged in sedentary pursuits. clothes again, with a firm determination We have hinted at the antiquity of not to be easily led away. No, we were our favourite spot. " A Monmouth-street right; the more we looked, the more we laced coat" was a by-word a century ago; were convinced of the accuracy of our and still we find Monmouth-street the previous impression. There was the man's same. Pilot great-coats with wooden whole life written as legibly on those buttons, have usurped the place of the clothes, as if we had his autobiography ponderous laced coats with full skirts; engrossed on parchment before us. embroidered waistcoats with large flaps, The first was a patched and much-soiled have yielded to double-breasted checks skeleton suit; one of those straight blue with roll-collars; and three-cornered hats cloth cases in which small boys used to of quaint appearance, have given place be confined, before belts and tunics had to the low crowns and broad brims of the come in, and old notions had gone out: an coachman school; but it is the times that ingenious contrivance for displaying the have changed, not Monmouth-street. full symmetry of a boy's figure, by fastenThrough every alteration and every ing him into a very tight jacket, with an change, Monmouth-street has still re- ornamental row of buttons over each shoulmained the burial-place of the fashions; der, and then buttoning his trousers over and such, to judge from all present ap- it, so as to give his legs the appearance pearances, it will remain until there are of being hooked on, just under the armno more fashions to bury. pits. This was the boy's dress. It had We love to walk among these extensive belonged to a town boy, we could see; groves of the illustrious dead, and indulge there was a shortness about the legs and in the speculations to which they give arms of the suit; and a bagging at the rise; now fitting a deceased coat, then a knees, peculiar to the rising youth of dead pair of trousers, and anon the mor- London streets. A small day-school he tal remains of a gaudy waistcoat, upon had been at, evidently. If it had been a some being of our own conjuring up, and regular boys' school they wouldn't have endeavouring, from the shape and fashion let him play on the floor so much, and of the garment itself, to bring its former rub his knees so white. He had an inowner to our mind's eye. We have gone dulgent mother too, and plenty of halfon speculating in this way, until whole pence, as the numerous smears of some rows of coats have started from their pegs, sticky substance about the pockets, and and buttoned up, of their own accord, just below the chin, which even the salesround the waists of imaginary wearers; man's skill could not succeed in disguislines of trousers have jumped down to ing, sufficiently betokened. They were meet them; waistcoats have almost burst decent people, but not overburdened with with anxiety to put themselves on; and riches, or he would not have so far outhalf an acre of shoes have suddenly found grown the suit when he passed into those feet to fit them, and gone stumping down corduroys with the round jacket; in which the street with a noise which has fairly he went to a boys' school, however, learnt awakened us from our pleasant reverie, to write-and in ink of pretty tolerable and driven us slowly away, with a bewil- blackness too, if the place where he used dered stare, an object of astonishment to to wipe his pen might be taken as evithe good people of Monmouth-street, and dence. of no slight suspicion to the policemen at A black suit and the jacket changed the opposite street corner. into a diminutive coat. His father had We were occupied in this manner the died, and the mother had got the boy a other day, endeavouring to fit a pair of message-lad's place in some office. A lace-up half-boots on an ideal personage, long-worn suit that one; rusty and threadfor whom, to say the truth, they were full bare before it was laid aside, but clean a couple of sizes too small, when our and free fiom soil to the last. Poor woeyes happened to alight on a few suits of man! We could imagine her assumed clothes ranged outside a shop-window, cheerfulness over the scanty, meal, and which it immediately struck us, must at the refusal of her own small portion, that different periods have all belonged to, and her hungry boy might have enough. Her been worn by, the same individual, and constant anxiety for his welfare, her pride had now by one of those conjunctions of in his growth mingled sometimes with the circumstances which will occur some- thought, almost too acute to bear, that as times, come to be exposed together for he grew to be a man his old affections sale in the same shop. The idea seemed might cool, old kindnesses fade from his 52 SKETCHES BY BOZ. mind, and old promises be forgotten-the destitute of furniture, crowded with his sharp pain that even then a careless word Wife and children, pale, hungry, and emaor a cold look would give her-all crowd- ciated; the man cursing their lamentaed on our thoughts as vividly as if the tions, staggering to the tap-room, from very scene were passing before us. whence he had just returned, followed by These things happen every hour, and his wife and a sickly infant, clamouring we all know it; and yet we felitas much for bread; and heard the street-wrangle sorrow when we saw, or fancied we saw- and noisy recrimination that his striking it makes no difference which-the change her occasioned. And then imagination that began to take place now, as if we had led us to some metropolitan workhouse, just conceived the bare possibility of such situated in the midst of crowded streets a thing for the first time. The next suit, and alleys, filled with noxious vapours, smart but slovenly; meant to be gay, and and ringing with boisterous cries, where yet not half so decent as the threadbare an old and feeble woman, imploring parapparel; redolent of the idle lounge, and don for her son, lay dying in a close dark the blackguard companions, told us, we room, with no child to clasp her hand, and thought, that the widow's comfort had no pure air from heaven to fan her brow. rapidly faded away. We could imagine A stranger closed the eyes that settled that coat-imagine! we could see it; we into a cold unmeaning glare, and strange had seen it a. hundred times-sauntering ears received the words that murmured in company with three or four other coats from the white and half-closed lips. of the same cut, about some place of pro- A coarse round frock, with a worn cotfligate resort at night. ton neckerchief, and other articles of We dressed, from the same shop-win- clothing of the commonest description, dow, in an instant, half a dozen boys of completed the history. A prison, and the from fifteen to twenty; and putting cigars sentence- banishment or the gallows. into their mouths, and their hands into What would the man have given then, to their pockets, watched them as they saun- be once again the contented humble tered down the street, and lingered at the drudge of his boyish years; to have recorner, with the obscene jest, and the oft- stored to life, but for a week, a day, an repeated oath. We never lost sight of hour, a minute, only for so long a time as them, till they had cocked their hats a' would enable him to say one word of paslittle more on one side, and swaggered sionate regret to, and hear one sound of into the public-house; and then we en- heartfelt forgiveness from, the cold and tered the desolate home, where the mother ghastly form that lay rotting in the pausat late in the night, alone; we watched per's grave! The children wild in the her, as she paced the room in feverish streets, the mother a destitute widow; anxiety, and every now and then opened both deeply tainted with the deep disgrace the door, looked wistfully into the dark of the husband and father's name, and and empty street, and again returned, to impelled by sheer necessity, down the be again and again disappointed. We precipice that had led him to a lingering beheld the look of patience with which death, possibly of many years' duration, she bore the brutish threat, nay, even the thousands of miles away. We had no drunken blow; and we heard the agony clue to the end of the tale; but it was of tears that gushed from her very heart, easy to guess its termination. as she sank upon her knees in her solitary We took a step or two further on, and and wretched apartment. by way of restoring the naturally cheerA long period had elapsed, and a great- ful tone of our thoughts, began fitting er change had taken place, by the time of visionary feet and legs into a cellar..board casting off the suit that hung above. It full of boots and shoes, with a speed and was that of a stout, broad-shouldered, accuracy that would have astonished the sturdy-chested man; and we knew at most expert artist in leather, living. once, as any body would, who glanced at There was one pair of boots in particular that broad-skirted green coat, with the -a jolly, good-tempered, hearty-looking large metal buttons, that its wearer seldom pair of tops, that excited our warmest rewalked forth without a dog at his heels, gard; and we had got a fine, red-faced, joand some idle ruffian, the very counterpart vial fellow of a market-gardener into them, of himself, at his side. The vices of the before we had made their acquaintance boy had grown up with the man, and we half a minute. They were just the very fancied his home then-if such a place thing for him. There were his huge fat deserved the name. legs bulging over the tops, and fitting We saw the bare and miserable room, them too tight to admit of his tucking ir SCENES. 53 the loops he had pulled them on by; and press into the service, were arranging his knee-cords with an interval of stock- themselves in order for dancing; and ing; and his blue apron tucked up round some music striking up at the moment, his waist; and his red neckerchief and to it they went without delay. It was blue coat, and a white hat stuck on one perfectly delightful to witness the agility side of his head; and there he stood with of the market-gardener. Out went the a broad grin on his great red face, whist- boots, first on one side, then on the other, ling away, as if any other idea but that then cutting, then shuffling, then setting of being happy and comfortable had never to the Denmark satins, then advancing, entered his brain. then retreating, then going round, and This was the very man after our own then repeating the whole of the evoluheart; we knew all about him; we had tions again, without appearing to suffer in seen him coming up to Covent Garden in the least from the violence of the exercise. his green chaise-cart, with the fat tubby Nor were the Denmark satins a bit belittle horse, half a thousand times; and hindhand, for they jumped and bounded even while we cast an affectionate look about, in all directions; and though they upon his boots, at that instant, the form were neither so regular, nor so true to of a coquettish servant-maid suddenly the time as the cloth boots, still, as they sprung into a pair of Denmark satin seemed to do it from the heart, and to shoes that stood beside them, and we at enjoy it more, we candidly confess that once recognised the very girl who ac- we preferred their style of dancing to the cepted his offer of a ride, just on this other. But.the old gentleman in the list side the Hammersmith suspension-bridge, shoes was the most amusing object in the the very last Tuesday morning we rode whole party; ifr, besides his grotesque into town from Richmond. attempts to appear youthful, and amorous, A very smart female, in a showy bon- which were sufficiently entertaining in net, stepped into a pair of gray cloth themselves, the young fellow in the boots, with black fiinge and binding, that pumps managed so artfully that every were studiously pointing out their toes time the old gentleman advanced to saon the other side of the top-boots, and lute the lady in the cloth boots, he trod seemed very anxious to engage his atten- with his whole weight on the old fellow's Lion, but we didn't observe that our friend toes, which made him roar with anguish, the market-gardener appeared at all capti- and rendered all the others like to die of vated with these blandishments; for be- laughing. yond giving a knowing wink when they We were in the full enjoyment of these first began, as if to imply that he quite festivities when we heard a shrill, and by understood their end and object, he took no means musical voice, exclaim, "Hope no further notice of them. His indiffer- you'll know me agin, imperence!" and ence, however, was amply recompensed on looking intently forward to see from by the excessive gallantry of a very old whence the sound came, we found that it gentleman with a silver-headed stick, proceeded, not from the young lady in who tottered into a pair of large list the cloth boots, as we had at first been shoes, that were standing in one corner inclined to suppose, but from a bulky lady of the board, and indulged in a variety of elderly appearance, who was seated in of gestures expressive of his admiration a chair at the head of the cellar-steps, of the lady in the cloth boots, to the im- apparently for the purpose of superintendmeasurable amusement of a young fellow ing the sale of the articles arranged we put into a pair of long-quartered there. pumps, who we thought would have split A barrel organ, which had been in full the coat that slid down to meet him, with force close behind us, ceased playing; the laughing. people we had been fitting into the shoes We had been looking on at this little and boots took to flight at the interruppantomime with great satisfaction for tion; and as we were conscious that in some time, when, to our unspeakable as- the depth of our meditations we might tonishment, we perceived that the whole have been rudely staring at the old lad) of the characters, including a numerous for half an hour without knoaing it, we corps de ballet of boots and shoes in the took to flight too, and were soem immersback-ground, into which we had been ed in the deepest obscurity of the ad hastily thrusting as many feet as we could jacent " Dials." 5* 54 SKETCHES BY BOZ. CHAPTER VII. Our acquaintance with hackney-coach stands is of long standing. We are a HACKNEY-COACH STANDS. walking book of fares, feeling ourselves half-bound, as it were, to be always in WE maintain that hackney-coaches, the right on contested points. We know properly so called, belong solely to the all the regular watermen within three metropolis. We may be told, that there miles of Covent Garden by sight, and are hackney-coach stands in Edinburgh; should be almost tempted to believe that and not to go quite so far for a contradic- all the hackney-coach horses in that dis' tion to our position, we may be reminded trict knew us by sight too, if one-half of that Liverpool, Manchester, "and other them were not blind. We take great large towns" (as the Parliamentary phrase interest in hackney-coaches, but we sel. goes,) have their hackney-coach stands. dom drive, having a knack of turning We readily concede to these places, the ourselves over, when we attempt to do so. possession of certain vehicles, which may We are as great friends to horses, hacklook almost as dirty, and even go almost ney-coach and otherwise, as the renownas slowly, as London hackney-coaches: ed Mr. Martin, of costermonger notoriety but that they have the slightest claim to and yet we never ride. We keep no compete with the metropolis, either in horse, but a clothes-horse; enjoy no sad. point of stands, drivers, or cattle, we in- die so much as a saddle of mutton; and, dignantly deny. following our own inclinations, have Take a regular, ponderous, rickety, never followed the hounds. Leaving London hackney-coach of the old school, these fleeter means of getting over the and let any man have the boldness to as- ground, or of depositing oneself upon it, sert, if he can, that he ever beheld any to those who: like them, by hackney. object on the face of the earth which at coach stands we take our stand. all resembled it, unless, indeed, it were There is a hackney-coach stand under another hackney-coach of the same date. the very window at which we are writing; We have recently observed on certain there is only one coach on it now, but it stands, and we say it with deep regret, is a. fair specimen of the class of vehicles rather dapper green chariots, and coaches to which we have alluded-a great, lumof polished yellow, with four wheels of bering, square concern of a dingy yellow the same colour as the coach, whereas, it colour (like a bilious brunette,) with very is perfectly notorious to every one who small glasses, but very large frames; the has studied the subject, that every wheel panels are ornamented with a faded coat'ought to be of a different colour, and a of arms, in shape something like a disdifferent size. These are innovations, sected bat, the axletree is red, and the and, like other Iris-called improvements, majority of the wheels are green. The awful signs of the restlessness of the box is partially covered by an old greatpublic mind, and the little respect paid to coat, with a multiplicity of capes, and our time-honoured institutions. Why some extraordinary-looking clothes; and should hackney-coaches be clean? Our the straw, with which the canvas cushancestors found them dirty, and left them ion is stuffed, is sticking up in several so. Why should we, with a feverish places, as if in rivalry of the hay, which wish to "keep moving," desire to roll is peeping through the chinks in the boot. along at the rate of six miles an hour, The horses, with drooping heads, and while they were content to rumble over each with a mane and tail as scanty and the stones at four? These are solemn straggling as those of a worn-out rockconsiderations. Hackney-coaches are part ing-horse, are standing patiently on some and parcel of the law of the land; they damp straw, occasionally wincing, and were settled by the Legislature; plated rattling the harness; and, now and then, and numbered by the wisdom of Parlia- one of them lifts his mouth to the ear of men$. his companion, as if he were saying, in Then why have they been swamped by a whisper, that he should like to assassicabs and omnibuses? Or why should peo- nate the coachman. The coachman himple be allowed to ride quickly for eight- self is in the watering-house; and the pence a rile, after Parliament had come waterman, with his hands forced into his to the solemn decision that they should pockets as far as they can possibly go, is pay a shilling a mile for riding slowly dancing the "double shuffle," in front of We pause for a reply;-and, having no the pump, to keep his feet warm. chance of getting one, begin a fresh para- The servant-girl, with the pink ribbons, g'"ah. at No. 5, opposite,.iddeniy opens the SCENES. 55 street-door, and four small children forth- one we saw early the other morning' in with rush out, and screarm Coach!" with Tottenham-court-road. It was a weddingall their might and main. The waterman party, and emerged from one of the indarts from the pump, seizes the horses by ferior streets near Fitzroy-square. There their respective bridles, and drags them, were the bride, with a thin white dress, and the coach too, round to the house, and a great red face; and the bridesmaid, shouting all the time for the coachman at a little, dumpy, good-humoured young the very top, or rather very bottom of his woman, dressed, of course, in the same voice, for it is a deep bass growl. A appropriate costume; and the bridegroom response is heard from the tap-room; the and his chosen friend, in blue coats, yellow coachman, in his wooden-soled shoes, waistcoats, white trowsers, and Berlin makes the street echo again as he runs gloves to match. They stopped at the across it; and then there is such a strug- corner of the street, and called a coach gling, and backing, and grating of the with an air of indescribable dignity. The kennel, to get the coach-door opposite the moment they were in, the bridesmaidthrew house-door, that the children are in perfect a red shawl, which she had, no doubt, ecstacies of delight. What a commotion! brought on purpose, negligently over the The old lady, who has been stopping there number on the door, evidently to delude for the last month, is going back to the pedestrians into the belief that the hackcountry. Out comes box after box, and ney-coach was a private carriage; and one side of the vehicle is filled with. away they went, perfectly satisfied that luggage in no time; the children get into the imposition was successful, and quite every body's way, and the youngest, who unconscious that there was a great staring has upset himself in his attempts to carry number stuck up behind, on a plate as an umbrella, is borne off wounded and large as a schoolboy's slate. A shilling a kicking. The youngsters disappear, and mile!-the ride was worth five, at least, a short pause ensues, during which the to them. old lady is, no doubt, kissing them all in What an interesting book a hackneythe back parlour. She appears at last, coach might produce, if it could carry as followed by her married daughter, all the much in its head as it does in its body! children, and both the servants, who, with The autobiography of a broken-down hackthe joint assistance of the coachman and ney-coach, would surely be as amusing waterman, manage to get her safely into as the autobiography of a broken-down the coach. A cloak is handed in, and a hackneyed dramatist; and it might tell as little basket, which we could almost swear much of its travels with the pole, as others contains a small black bottle, and a paper have of their expedition to it. How many of sandwiches. Up go the steps, bang stories might be related of the different goes the door, "Golden-cross, Charing- people it had conveyed on matters of busicross, Tom," says the waterman; "Good ness or profit-pleasure or pain! And bye, grandma," cry the children, offjingles how many melancholy tales of the same the coach at the rate of three miles an people at different periods! The countryhour, and the mamma and children retire girl-the showy, over-dressed womaninto the house, with the exception of one the drunken prostitute! The raw aplittle villain, who runs up the street at the prentice-the dissipated spendthrift-the top of his speed, pursued by the servant; thief! not ill pleased to have such an opportunity Talk of cabs! Cabs are all very well of displaying her attractions. She brings in cases of expedition, when it's a matter him back, and, after casting two or three of neck or nothing, life or death, your gracious glances across the way, which temporary home or your long one. But, are either intended for us or the potboy beside a cab's lacking that gravity of (we are not quite certain which) shuts the deportment which so peculiarly distin door, and the hackney-coach stand is again guishes a hackney-coach, let it never be at a stand still. forgotten that a cab is a thing of yesterday, We have been frequently amused with and that he never was any thing better. the intense delight with which " a servant A hackney-cab has always been a hackneyof all work," who is sent for a coach, cab. from his first entry into public life; deposits herself inside; and the unspeak- whereas a hackney-coach is a remnant of able gratification which boys, who have past gentility, a victim to fashion, a hangbeen despatched on a similar errand, er-on of an old English family, wearing appear to derive from mounting the box. their arms, and, in days of yore, escorted But we never recollect to have been more by men wearing their livery, stripped of amused with a hackney-coach party, than his finery, and thrown upon the world, 56 SKETCHES BY BOZ. like a once-smart footman when he is no arm-chair, and -a wig, whom we afterlonger sufficiently juvenile for his office, wards discovered to be the registrar; and progressing lower and lower in the scale seated behind a little desk, near the door, of four-wheeled degradation, until at last were'a respectable-looking man in black, it comes to-a stand. of about twenty stone weight or thereabouts, and a fat-faced, smirking, civillooking body, in a black gown, black kid gloves, knee shorts, and silks, with a shirt frill in his bosom, curls on his head, and a silver staff in his hand, whom we had no CHAPTER VIII. difficulty in recognising as the officer of the Court. The latter, indeed, speedily DOCTORS' COMMONS. set our mind at rest upon this point, for, advancing to our elbow, and opening a \WAiT ING, without any definite object, conversation forthwith, he had communithrough St. Paul's Churchyard, a little cated to us, in less than five minutes, that while ago, we happened to turn down a he was the apparitor, and the other the street entitled "Paul's-Chain," and keep- court-keeper; that this was the Arches ing straight forward for a few hundred Court, and therefore the counsel wore red yards, found ourself, as a natural conse- gowns, and the proctors fur collars; and quence, in Doctors'.Commons. Now Doc- that when the other courts sat there, they tors' Commons being familiar by name to didn't wear red gowns or fur collars either; every body, as the place where they grant with many other scraps of intelligence marriage-licenses to love-sick couples, and equally interesting. Besides these two divorces to unfaithful ones; register the officers, there was a little thin old man wills of people who have' any property to with long grizzly hair, crouched in a releave, and punish hasty gentlemen who mote corner, whose duty, our comrmunicacall ladies by unpleasant names, we no tive friend informed us, was to ring a sooner discovered that we were really large hand-bell when the Court opened within its precincts, than we felt a lauda- in the morning', and who, for aught his ble desire to become better acquainted appearance betokened to the contrary therewith; and as the first object of our might have been similarly employed fol curiosity was the Court, whose decrees can the last two centuries at least. even unloose the bonds of matrimony, we The red-faced gentleman in the tor procured a direction to it; and bent our toise-shell spectacles had got all the talk steps thither without delay. to himself just then, and very well he was Crossing a quiet and shady courtyard doing it, too, only he spoke very fast, but paved with stone, and frowned upon by that was habit; and rather thick, but that old red brick houses, on the doors of which was good living. So we had plenty of were painted the names of sundry learned time to look about us. There was one civilians, we paused before a small, green- individual who amused us mightily. This baized, brass-headed-nailed door, which was one of the bewigged gentlemen in yielding to our gentle push, at once ad- the red robes, who was straddling before nitted us into an old quaint-looking apart- the fire in the centre of the Court, in the ment, with sunken windows, and black attitude of the brazen Colossus, to the carved waintscoting, at the upper end of complete exclusion of every body else. He which, seated on a raised platform, of se- had gathered up his robe behind, in much micircular shape, were about a dozen the same manner as a slovenly woman solemn-looking gentlemen, in crimson would her petticoat on a very dirty day, in gowns and wigs. order that he might feel the full warmth At a more elevated desk in the centre, of the fire. His wig was put on all awry, sat a very fat and red-faced gentleman, with the tail straggling about his neck, in tortoise-shell spectacles, whose digni- his scanty gray trousers and short black fled appearance announced the judge; and gaiters, made in the worst possible style, round a long green-baized table below, imparted an additional inelegant appearsomething like a billiard-table without the ance to his uncouth person; and his limp, cushions and pockets, were a number of badly-starched shirt-collar almost obscured very self-important-looking personages, in his eyes. We shall never be able to claim stiff neckcloths, and black gowns with any credit as a physiognomist again, for, at white fur collars, whom we at once set ter a careful scrutiny of this gentleman's down as proctors. At the lower end of countenance, we had come to the conclutllo billiard-table was an individual in an sion that it bespoke nothing but conceit SCENES. 57 and silliness, when our friend with the sil- crowded the court; and when some very ver staff whispered in our ear that he was;long and grave speeches had been made no other than a doctor of civil law, and pro and con, the red-faced gentleman in heaven knows what besides. So of course the tortoise-shell spectacles took a review Vwe were mistaken, and he must be a very of the case, which occupied half an hour talented man. He conceals it so well more, and then pronounced upon Sludthough-perhaps with the merciful view berry the awful sentence of excommuniof not astonishing ordinary people too cation for a fortnight, and payment of the much-that you would suppose him to be costs of the suit. Upon this, Sludberry, one of the stupidest dogs alive, who was a little, red-faced, sly-looking, The gentleman in the spectacles hav- ginger-beer-seller, addressed the court, ing concluded his judgment, and a few and said, if they'd be good enough to take minutes having been allowed to elapse, to off the costs, and excommunicate him for afford time for the buzz in the Court to the term of his natural life instead, it subside, the registrar called on the next would be much more convenient to him, cause, which was "the office of the Judge for he never went to church at all. To promoted by Bumple against Sludberry." this appeal the gentleman in the specA general movement was visible in the tacles made no other reply than a look of Court, at this announcement, and the virtuous indignation; and Sludberry and obliging functionary with silver staff whis- his friends retired. As the man with the pered us that " there would be some fun silver staff informed us that the court now, for this was a brawling case." was on the point of rising, we retired too We were not rendered much the wiser -pondering, as we walked away, upon by this piece of information, till we found the beautiful spirit of these ancient ecby the opening speech of the counsel for clesiastical laws, the kind and neighbourthe promoter, that, under a half-obsolete ly feelings they are calculated to awaken, statute of one of the Edwards, the court and the strong attachment to religious was empowered to visit with the penalty institutions which they cannot fail to enof excommunication, a person who should gender. be proved guilty of the crime of "brawl- We were so lost in these meditations, ing," or "smiting," in any church, or that we had turned into the street, and vestry adjoining thereto; and it appeared, run up against a door-post, before we reby some eight-and-twenty affidavits, which collected where we were walking. On were duly referred to, that on a certain looking upwards to see what house we night, at a certain vestry-meeting, in a cer- had stumbled upon, the words "Prerogatain parish particularly set forth, Thomas tive-Office," written in large characters, Sludberry, the party appeared against in met our eye; and as we were in a sightthat suit, had made use of, and applied to seeing humour, and the place was a pubMichael Bumple, the promoter, the words lid one, we walked in. " You be blowed;" and that, on the said The room into which we walked, wad Michael Bumple and others remonstrating a long, busy-looking place, partitioned off, with the said Thomas Sludberry, on the on either side, into a variety of little impropriety of his conduct, the said Tho- boxes, in which a few clerks were enmas Sludberry repeated the aforesaid ex- gaged in copying or examining deeds. pression, " You be blowed;" and further- Down the centre of the room were several more desired andrequested toknow, whe- desks, nearly breast high, at each of ther the said Michael Bumple "wanted which, three or four people were standany thing for himself;" adding, that if the ing, poring over large volumes. As we said Michael Bumple did want any thing knew that they were searching for wills, for himself, he, the said Thomas Sludberry, they attracted our attention at once. was "the man to give it him;" at the same It was curious to contrast the lazy intime making use of other heinous and difference of the attorneys' clerks who sinful expressions, all of which, Bumple were making a search for some legal pursubmitted, came within the intent and pose, with the air of earnestness and in. meaning. of the Act; and therefore he, terest which distinguished the strangers for the soul's health and chastening of to the place, who were looking up tthe Sludberry, prayed for sentence of excom- will of some deceased relative; the formunication against him accordingly. mer pausing every now and then with an Upon these facts a long argument was impatient yawn, or raising their heads to entered into, on both sides, to the great look at the people who passed up and edification of a number of persons inte- down the room; the latter stooping over rested in the parochial squabbles, who the book, and running down column afle' H 58 SKETCHES BY BOZ. column of names in the deepest abstrac- Having commenced our observations, tion. we should certainly have extended them There was one little dirty-faced man to another dozen of people at least, had in a blue apron, who after a whole morn- not a sudden shutting up and putting ing's search, extending some fifty years away of the worm-eaten old books warnback, had just found the will to which he ed us that the time for closing the office wished to refer, which one of the officials had arrived; and thus deprived us of a was reading to him in a low hurried voice pleasure, and spared our readers an infi-om a thick vellum book with large fliction. clasps. It was perfectly evident that the We naturally fell into a train of refiecmore the clerk read, the less the man tion as we walked homewards, upon the with the blue apron understood about the curious old records of likings and dismatter. When the volume was first likings; of jealousies and revenges; of brought down, he took off his hat, smooth- affection defying the power of death, and ed down his hair, smiled with great self- hatred pursued beyond the grave, which satisfaction, and looked up in the reader's these depositories contain; silent but face with the air of a man who had made striking tokens, some of them, of excelup his mind to recollect every word he lence of heart, and nobleness of soul; heard. The first two or three lines were melancholy examples, others, of the worst intelligible enough; but then the techni- passions of human nature. I-ow many calities began, and the little man began men as they lay speechless and helpless to look rather dubious. Then came a on the bed of death, would-have given whole string of complicated trusts, and worlds but for the strength and power to he was regularly at sea. As the reader blot out the silent evidence of animosity proceeded, it was quite apparent that it and bitterness, which now stands registerwas a hopeless case, and the little man, ed against them in Doctors' Commons with his mouth open and his eyes fixed upon his face, looked on with an expression of bewilderment and perplexity irresistibly ludicrous. A little firther on, a hard-featured old man with a deeply wrinkled face, was CHAPTER IX. intently perusing a lengthy will with the aid of a pair of horn spectacles: occa- LONDON RECREATIONS. sionally pausing from his task, and slily noting down some brief memorandum of THE wish of persons in the humbler the bequests contained in it. Every classes of life, to ape the manners and wrinkle about his toothless mouth, and customs of those whom fortune has placed sharp keen eyes, told of avarice and cun- above them, is often the subject of rening. His clothes were nearly thread- mark, and not unfrequently of complaint. bare, but it was easy to see that he wore The inclination may, and no doubt does, them from choice and not from necessity; exist to a great extent, among the small all his looks and gestures down to the very gentility - the would-be aristocrats-of small pinches of snuff which he every now the middle classes. Tradesmen and and then took from a little tin canister, clerks, with fashionable novel-reading told of wealth, and penury, and avarice. families, and circulating-library-subscribAs he leisurely closed the register, put ing daughters, get up small assemblies in up his spectacles, and folded his scraps humble imitation of Almack's, and proof paper in a large leathern pocket-book, menade the dingy "large room" of some we thought what a nice hard bargain he second-rate hotel with as much complawas driving with some poverty-stricken cency as the enviable few who are prilegatee, who, tired of waiting year after vileged to exhibit their magnificence in year, until some life-interest should fall that exclusive haunt of fashion and foolin, was selling his chance, just as it be- ery. Aspiring young ladies, who read gan to grow most valuable, for a twelfth flaming accounts of some "fancy fair in part of its worth. It was a good specula- high life," suddenly grow desperately tion —a very safe one. The old man charitable; visions of admiration and stowed his pocket-book carefully in the matrimony float before their eyes; some breast of his great-coat, and hobbled away wonderfully meritorious institution, which, with a leer of triumph. That will had by the strangest accident in the world, made him ten years younger at the low- has never been heard of before, is disrest computation. covered to be in a languishing condition. SCENES. 59 Tniomson's great room, or Johnson's nur- course look into the garden) to be opened, sery-ground is forthwith engaged, and and throwing a silk handkerchief over the aforesaid young ladies, from mere his head, and leaning back in his armcharity, exhibit themselves for three days, chair, descants at considerable'length upon from twelve to four, for the small charge its beauty, and the cost of maintaining it. of one shilling per head! With the ex- This is to impress you-who are a young ception of these classes of society, how- friend of the family-with a due sense of ever, and a few weak and insignificant the excellence of the garden, and the persons, we do not think the attempt at wealth of its owner; and when he has imitation to which we have alluded, pre- exhausted the subject, he goes to sleep. vails in any great degree. The different There is another and a very different character of the recreations of different class of men, whose recreation is their classes, has often afforded us amusement; garden. An individual of this class, reand we have chosen it for the subject of sides some short distance from town-say our present sketch, in the hope that it in the Hampstead-road, or the Kilburnmay possess some amusement for our road, or any other road where the houses readers. are small and neat, and have little slips If the regular City man, who leaves of back garden. He and his wife-who Lloyd's at five o'clock, and drives home is as clean and compact a little body as to Hackney, Clapton, Stamford-hill, or himself-have occupied the same house elsewhere, can be said to have any daily ever since he retired from business twenty recreation beyond his dinner, it is his gar- years ago. They have no family. They den. He never does any thing to it with once had a son, who died at about five his own hands; but he takes great pride years old. The child's portrait hangs in it notwithstanding; and if you are de- over the mantelpiece in the best sittingsirous of paying your addresses to the room, and a little cart he used to draw youngest daughter, be sure to be in rap- about, is carefully preserved as a relic. tures with every flower and shrub it In fine weather the old gentleman is contains. If your poverty of expression almost constantly in the garden; and compel you to make any distinction be- when it is too wet to go into it, he will tween the two, we would certainly recom- look out of the window at it, by the hour mend your bestowing more admiration on together. He has always something to his garden than his wine. He always do there, and you will see him digging, takes a walk round it, before he starts for and sweeping, and cutting, and planting, town in the morning, and is particularly with manifest delight. In spring time, anxious that the fish-pond should be kept there is no end to the sowing of seeds, specially neat. If you call on him on and sticking little bits of wood over them, Sunday in summer-time, about an hour with labels, which look like epitaphs to before dinner, you will find him sitting in their memory; and in the evening, when an arm-chair, on the lawn behind the the sun has gone down, the perseverance house, with a straw hat on, reading a with which he lugs a great watering-pot Sunday paper. A short distance from about is perfectly astonishing. The only him you will most likely observe a hand- other recreation he has is the newspaper. some paroquet in a large brass-wire cage; which he peruses every day, firom begin ten to one but the two eldest girls are ning to end, generally reading the most loitering in one of the side walks accompa- interesting pieces of intelligence to his nied by a couple of young gentlemen, who wife, during breakfast. The old lady is are holding parasols over them-of course very fond of flowers, as the hyacinthonly to keep the sun off-while the glasses in the parlour-window, and gerayounger children, with the under nursery- nium-pots in the little front court, testify maid, are strolling listlessly about, in the She takes a great pride in the garden too, shade. Beyond these occasions, his de- and when one of the four fruit-trees prolight in his garden appears to arise more duces rather a larger gooseberry than from the consciousness of possession than usual, it is carefully preserved under a the actual. enjoyment of it. When he wineglass on the sideboard, for the edifidrives you down to dinner on a week-day, cation of visiters, who are duly informned he is rather fatigued with the occupations that Mr. So-and-so planted the tree which of the morning, and tolerably cross into the produced it, with his own hands. On a bargain; but when the cloth is removed, summer's evening, when the large waterand he has drunk three or four glasses of ing-pot has been filled and emptied some his favourite port, he orders the French fourteen times, and the old couple have windows of his dining-room (which of quite exhausted themselves by trotting 60 SKETCHES BY BOZ. about, vou will see them sitting happily disregard of their own bodily health anc together in the little summer-house, en- subsequent comfort-boys, with great silk joying the calm and peace of the twilight, hats just balanced on the top of their and watching the shadows as they fall heads, smoking cigars, and trying to look upon the garden, and, gradually growing as if they liked them-gentlemen in pink thicker and more sombre, obscure the shirts and blue waistcoats, occasionally tints of their gayest flowers-no bad em- upsetting either themselves, or somebody blem of the years that have silently rolled else, with their own canes. over their heads, deadening in their course Some of the finery of these people prothe brightest hues of early hopes and yokes a smile, but they are all clean, and feelings which have long since faded happy, and disposed to be good-natured away. These are their only recreations, and sociable. Those two motherly-lookand they require no more. They have ing women in the smart pelisses, who are within themselves, the materials of com- chatting so confidentially, inserting a fort and content; and the anxiety of each, " ma'am" at every fourth word, scraped is to die before the other. an acquaintance about a quarter of an hour This is no ideal sketch. There used ago: it originated in admiration of the to be many old people of this description; little boy who belongs to one of themtheir numbers may have diminished, and that diminutive specimen of mortality in may decrease still more. Whether the the three-cornered pink satin hat with course female education has taken of late black feathers. The two men in the blue days-whether the pursuit of giddy frivo- coats and drab trousers, who are walking lities, and empty nothings, has tended to up and down, smoking their pipes, are unfit women for that quiet domestic life, their husbands. The party in the opposite in which they show far more beautifully box are a pretty fair specimen of the genethan in the most crowded assembly, is a rality of the visiters. These are the question we should feel little gratification father and mother, an old grandmother, in discussing: we hope not. a young man and woman, and an indiLet us turn now, to another portion of vidual addressed by the euphonious title the London population, whose recreations of " Uncle Bill," who is evidently the wit present about as strong a contrast as can of the party. They have some half-dozen well be conceived-we mean the Sunday children with them, but it is scarcely nepleasurers; and let us beg our readers to cessary to notice the fact, for that is a imagine themselves stationed by our side matter of course here. Every woman in in some well-known rural " Tea-gardens."' the gardens," who has been married for The heat is intense this afternoon, and any length of time, must have had twins the people, of whom there are additional on two or three occasions; it is impossible parties arriving every moment, look as to account for the extent of juvenile popuwarm as the tables which have been re- lation in any other way. cently painted, and have the appearance Observe the inexpressible delight of the of being red-hot. What a dust and noise! old grandmother, at Uncle Bill's splendid Men and women-boys and girls-sweet- joke of " tea for four: bread and butter hearts and married people-babies in arms, for forty;" and the loud explosion of mirth and children in chaises-pipes and shrimps which follows his wafering a paper " pig-cigars and periwinkles-tea and to- tail" on the waiter's collar. The young bacco. Gentlemen, in alarming waist- man is evidently " keeping company" with coats, and steel watch-guards, promenad- Uncle Bill's niece: and Uncle Bill's hints ing about, three abreast, with surprising -such as " Don't forget me at the dinner, dignity (or as the gentleman in the next you know," " I. shall look out for the cake, box facetiously observes, " cutting it un- Sally," " I'll be godfather to your firstcommon fat!")- ladies with great, long, wager it's a boy," and so forth, are equally white pocket-handkerchiefs like small ta- embarrassing to the young people, and ble-cloths, in their hands, chasing one delightful to the elder ones. As to the another on the grass in the most playful old grandmother, she is in perfect ecstaand interesting manner, with the view of sies, and does nothing but laugh herself attracting the attention of the aforesaid into fits of coughing, Until they have gentlemen —husbands in perspective or- finished the " gin-and-water warm with," dering bottles of ginger-beer for the ob- of which Uncle Bill ordered " glasses jects of their affection, with a lavish round" after tea, "just to keep the night disregard of expense; and the said ob- air out, and do it up comfortable and riglar jects washing down huge quantities of arter sitch an as-tonishing hot day!" shrimps" and " winkles," with an equal It is getting dark, and the people begin SCENES. 61 to move. The field leading to town is alarming evolutions, putting their oars quite full of them; the little hand-chaises down into the water and not being able are dragged wearily along, the children to get them-up again, or taking terrific are tired, and amuse themselves and the pulls without putting them in at all; in company generally by crying, or resort either case, pitching over on the backs of to the much more pleasant expedient of their heads with startling violence, and going to sleep-the mothers begin to wish exhibiting the soles of their pumps to the they were at home again-sweethearts "sitters" in the boat, in a very humiliating grow more sentimental than ever, as the manner. time for parting arrives-the gardens look We grant that the banks of the Thames mournful enough, by the light of the two are very beautiful atRichmond and Twicklanterns which hang against the trees for enham, and other distant havens, often the convenience of smokers —and the sought though seldom reached: but from waiters, who have been running about in- the " Red-us" back to Blackfiliar's-bridge, cessantly for the last six hours. think they the scene is wonderfully changed. The feel a little tired, as they count their Penitentiary is a noble building, no doubt, glasses and their gains, and the sportive youths who " go in" at that particular part of the river, on a summer's evening, may be all very well ~=~ —- ~- ~in perspective; but when you aie obliged to keep in shore coming home, and the young ladies will colour up, and look perCHAPTER X. severingly the other way, while the married dittoes cough slightly, and stare THE RIVER. very hard at the water, you feel awkward -especially if you happen to have been " ARE you fond of the water?" is a attempting the most distant approach to question very frequently asked, in hot sentimentality, for an hour or two presummer weather, by amphibious-looking viously. young men. " Very," is the general re- Although experience and suffering have ply. " An't you?"-" Hardly ever off produced in our minds the result we have it," is the response, accompanied by sun- just stated, we are by no means blind tc dry adjectives, expressive of the speaker's a proper sense of the fun which a lookerheartfelt admiration of that element. on may extract from the amateurs of Now, with all respect for the opinion of boating. What can be more amusing society in general, and cutter clubs in than Searle's yard on a fine Sunday mornparticular, we humbly suggest that some ing 3 It's a Richmond tide, and some of the most painful reminiscences in the dozen boats are preparing for the recepmind of every individual who has occasion- tion of the parties who have engaged ally disported himself on the Thames, them. Two or three fellows in great must be connected with his aquatic re- rough trousers and Guernsey shirts, are creations. Who ever heard of a success- getting them ready by easy stages; now ful water-party -or to put the question coming down the yard with a pair of in a still more intelligible form, who ever sculls and a cushion-then having a chat saw one"? We have been on water ex- with the "jack," who, like all his tribe. cursions out of number, but we solemnly seems to be wholly incapable of doing declare that we cannot call to mind one any thing but lounging about-then going single occasion of the kind, which was back again, and returning with a ruddernot marked by more miseries than any line and a stretcher-then solacing themone would suppose could reasonably be selves with another chat-and then woncrowded into the space of some eight or dering, with their hands in their capacious nine hours. Something has always gone pockets, "where them gentlemen's got wrong. Either the cork of the salad-dress- to as ordered the six." One of these, the ing has come out, or the most anxiously head man, with the legs of his trousers expectedmember of the party has not come carefully tucked up at the bottom, to adout, or the most disagreeable man in com- mit the water, we presume-for it is an pany would come out, or a child or two element in which he is infinitely more at have fallen into the water, or the gentle- home than on land-is quite a character, man who undertook to steer has endanger- and shares with the defunct oyster-swaled every body's life all the way, or the gen- lower the celebrated name of " Dando." tiemen who volunteered to row have been Watch him, as taking a few minutes re "out of practice," and performed very spite from his toils, he negligently seats 6 62 SKETCHES BY BOZ. himself on the edge of a boat, and fans right-now pull all on you!" shouts LDin" his broad bushy chest with a cap scarcely do again, adding, in an under tone, to half so furry. Look at his magnificent, somebody by him, "Blowed if hever I see though reddish whiskers, and mark the sich a set of mufs!" and away jogs the somewhat native humour with which he boat in a zigzag direction, every one of "chaffs" the boys and prentices, or cun- the six oars dipping into the water at a ningly gammons the gen'lm'n into the different time; and the yard is once more gift of a glass of gin, of which we verily clear, until the arrival of the next party. believe he swallows in one day as much A well-contested rowing-match on the as any six ordinary men, without ever Thames, is a very lively and interesting being one atom the worse for it. scene. The water is studded with boats But the party arrives, and Dando, re- of all sorts, kinds, and descriptions; lieved from his state of uncertainty, starts places in the coal-barges at the different up into activity. They approach in full wharfs are let to crowds of spectators, aquatic costume, with round blue jackets, beer and tobacco flow freely about; men, striped shirts, and caps of all sizes and women, and children wait fbr the start in patterns, from the velvet skull-cap of breathless expectation, cutters of six and French manufacture, to the easy head- eight oars glide gently up and down, dress familiar to the students of the old waiting to accompany their proteges spelling-books, as having, on the authority during the race; bands of music add to of the portrait, formed part of the cos- the animation, if not to the harmony of tume of the Reverend Mr. Dilworth. the scene, groups of watermen are asThis is the most amusing time to sembled at the different stairs, discussing observe a regular Sunday water-party. the merits of the respective candidates: There has evidently been up to this period and the prize wherry which is rowed no inconsiderable degree of boasting on slowly about by a pair of sculls, is an obevery body's part relative to his know- ject of general interest. ledge of navigation; the sight of the Two o'clock strikes, and every body water rapidly cools their courage, and the looks anxiously in the direction of the air of self-denial with which each of them bridge through which the candidates for insists on somebody else's taking an oar, the prize will come —half-past two, and is perfectly delightful. At length, after the general attention which has been prea great deal of changing and fidgeting, served so long begins to flag, when sud consequent upon the election of a stroke- denly a gun is heard, and the noise of oar; the inability of one gentleman to distant hurra'ing along each bank of the pull on this side, of another to pull on river-every head is bent forward-the that, and of a third to pull at all, the noise draws nearer and nearer-the boat. boat's crew are seated. " Shove her off!" which have been waiting at the bridge cries the cockswain, who looks as easy start briskly up the river, and a well and comfortable as if he were steering in manned galley shoots through the arch, the Bay of Biscay. The order is obeyed; the sitters cheering on the boats behind the boat is immediately turned complete- them, which are not yet visible. ly round, and proceeds towards West- "Here they are," is the general cryminster-bridge, amidst such a splashing and through darts the first boat, the men and struggling as never was seen before, in her, stripped to the skin, and exerting except when the Royal George went every muscle to preserve the advantage down. " Back wa'ater, sir," shouts Dan- they have gained-four other boats follow do, "Back wa'ater, you sir, aft;' upon close astern; there are not two boats' which every body thinking he must be length between them-the shouting is the individual referred to, they all back tremendous, and the interest intense. water, and back comes the boat, stern "Go on, Pink"-"Give it her, Red"first, to the spot whence it started. "Back "Sulliwin for ever"-" Bravo! George" water, you sir, aft; pull round, you sir, -" Now, Tom, now-now-now-why for'ad, can't you l" shouts Dando, in a don't your partner stretch out "-" Two frenzy of excitement. " Pull round, Tom, pots to a pint on Yellow," &c. &c. Every can't you l" re-echoes one of the party. little public-house fires its gun, and hoists, "Tom an't for'ad," replies another. " Yes, its flag; and the men who win the heat, he is," cries a third; and the unfortunate come in, amidst a splashing and shouting, young man, at the imminent risk of and banging and confusion, which no one breaking a blood-vessel, pulls and pulls, can imagine who has not witnessed it, until the head of the boat fairly lies in and of which any description would conthe direction of Vauxhall-bridge. "That's vey a very faint idea. SCENES. 63 One of the most amusing places we turn, replies, that that company, ever know, is the steam-wharf of the London- since it has been St. Kat'rine's Dock Cornbridge, or St. Katharine's Dock Company, pany, has protected life and property; that on a Saturday morning in summer, when if it had been the London Bridge Wharf the Gravesend and Margate steamers are Company, indeed, he shouldn't have wonusually crowded to excess; and as we dered, seeing that the morality of that have just taken a glance at the river company (they being the opposition) can't above bridge, we hope our readers will be answered for, by no one; but as it is, not object to accompany us on board a he's convinced there must be some misGravesend packet. take, and he wouldn't mind making a Coaches are every moment setting solemn oath afore a magistrate that the down at the entrance to the wharf, and gentleman'11 find his luggage afore he the stare of bewildered astonishment with gets to Margate. which the " fares" resign themselves and Here the stout father, thinking he is their luggage into the hands of the por- making a capital point, replies, that as it ters, who seize all the packages at once happens he is not going to Margate at all, as a matter of course, and run away with and that " Passenger to Gravesend" was them, heaven knows where, is laughable on the luggage, in letters of full two in the extreme. A Margate boat lies inches long; on which the officer rapidly alongside the wharf, the Gravesend boat explains the mistake, and the stout mo(which starts first) lies alongside that ther, and the stout children, and the seragain; and as a temporary cormnunica- vant, are hurried with all possible destion is formed between the two, by means patch on board the Gravesend boat, which of a plank and hand-rail, the natural con- they reach just in time to discover that fiusion of the scene is by no means di- their luggage is there, and that their comminished. fortable seats are not. Then the bell, "Gravesend." inquires a stout father which is the signal for the Gravesend of a stout family, who follow him, under boat starting, begins to ring most furiousthe guidance of their mother, and a ser- ly: and people keep time to the bell, by vant, at the no small risk of two or three running in and out of our boat at a douof them being left behind in the con- ble-quick pace. The bell stops; the boat fusion. " Gravesend V" starts: people who have been taking leave "Pass on, if you please, sir," replies of their friends on board, are carried away the attendant-" other boat, sir." against their will; and people who have Hereupon the stout father, being rather been taking leave of their friends on mystified, and the stout mother rather shore, find that they have performed a distracted by maternal anxiety, the whole very needless ceremony, in consequence party deposit themselves in the Margate of their not being carried away at all. boat, and after having congratulated him- The regular passengers, who have seaself on having secured very comfortable son-tickets, go below to breakfast; people seats, the stout father sallies to the chim- who have purchased morning papers, comney to look for his luggage, which he has pose themselves to read them; and peoa faint recollection of having given some ple who have not been down the river man, something, to take somewhere. No before, think that both the shipping and luggage, however, bearing the most re- the water, look a great deal better at a mote resemblance to his own, in shape or distance. form, is to be discovered; on which the When we get down about as far as stout father calls very loudly for an Blackwall, and begin to move at a quicker officer, to whom he states the case, in the rate, the spirits of the passengers appear presence of another father of another to rise in proportion. Old women who family-a little thin man-who entirely have brought large wicker hand-baskets concurs with him (the stout father) in with them, set seriously to work at the thinking that it's high time something demolition of heavy sandwiches, and pass was done with these steam companies, round a wine-glass, which is frequently and that as the Corporation Bill failed to replenished from a flat bottle like a do it, something else must; for really stomach-warmer, with considerable glee: people's property is not to be sacrificed handing it first to the gentleman in the in this way; and that if the luggage isn't foraging-cap, who plays the harp-partly restored without delay, he will take care as an expression of satisfaction with his it shall be put in the papers, for the pub- previous exertions, and partly to induce lie is not to be the victim of these great him to play "Dumbledum-deary," for monopolies. To this, the officer, in his "Alick" to dance to; which being done 64 SKETCHES BY BOZ. Alick, who is a damp earthy child in red most fancy we see the pin's point followworsted socks, takes certain small jumps ing the letter, to impress its form more upon the deck, to the unspeakable satis- strongly on our bewildered imagination; faction of his family circle. Girls who and wince involuntarily, as we remember have broug'ht the first volume of some the hard knuckles with which the revernew novel in their reticule, become ex- end old lady who instilled into our mind tremely plaintive, and expatiate to Mr. the first principles of education for nineBrown, or young Mr. O'Brien, who has pence per week, or ten and sixpence per been looking over them, on the blueness quarter, was wont to poke our juvenile of the sky, and brightness of the water; head occasionally, by way of adjusting on which Mr. Brown or Mr. O'Brien, as the confusion of ideas in which we were the case may be, remarks in a low voice generally involved. The same kind of that he has been quite insensible of late tfeling pursues us in many other into the beauties of nature-that his whole stances, but there is no place which rethoughts and wishes have centred in one calls so strongly our recollections of childobject alone-whereupon the young lady hood as Astley's. It was not a "Royal looks up, and failing in her attempt to Amphitheatre" in those days, nor had appear unconscious, looks down again; Ducrow arisen to shed the light of classic and turns over the next leaf with great taste and portable gas over the sawdust difficulty, in order to afford opportunity of the circus; but the whole character for a lengthened pressure of the hand. of the place was the same, the pieces Telescopes, sandwiches, and glasses of were the same, the clown's jokes were brandy-and-water cold without, begin to the same, the riding-masters were equally be in great requisition; and bashful men grand, the comic performers equally witty, who have been looking down the hatch- the tragedians equally hoarse, and the way at the engine, find, to their great "highly-trained chargers" equally spirit. relief, a subject on which they can con- ed. Astley's has altered for the betterverse with one another-and a copious we have changed for the worse. Our one too-Steam. histrionic taste is gone, and with shame "Wonderful thing steam, sir." "Ah! we confess, that we are far more delight(a deep-drawn sigh) it is indeed, sir." ed and amused with the audience, than "Great power, sir." "Immense - im- with the pageantry we once so highly ap. mense!" " Great deal done by steam, preciated. sir." "Ah! (another sigh at the im- We like to watch a regular Astley's mensity of the subject, and a knowing party in the Easter or. Mid-summer holishake of the head) you may say that, days-pa and ma, and nine or ten chilsir." " Still in its infancy they say, sir." dren, varying from five foot six to two Novel remarks of this kind, are general- foot eleven: from fourteen years of age ly the commencement of a conversation to four. We had just taken our seat in which is prolonged until the conclusion one of the boxes, in the centre of the of the trip, and, perhaps, lays the foun- house, the other night, when the next dation of a speaking acquaintance be- was occupied by just such a party as we tween half a dozen gentlemen, who, hav- should have attempted to describe, had ing their families at Gravesend, take sea- we depicted our beau ideal of a group of son-tickets for the boat, and dine on board Astley's visiters. regularly every afternoon. First of all, there came three little boys and a little girl, who, in pursuance of pa's directions, issued in a very audible voice from the box-door, occupied the front-row; then two more little girls were ushered in by a young lady, evidently the CHAPTER XI. governess. Then came three more little boys, dressed like the first, in blue jackets ASTLEY'S. and trousers, with lay-down shirt-collars: then a child in a braided frock and high WE never see any very large, staring, state of astonishment, with very large black Roman capitals, in a book, or shop- round eyes, opened to their utmost width, window, or placarded on a wall, without was lifted over the seats-a process which their immediately recalling to our mind occasioned a considerable display of little an indistinct and confused recollection of pink legs - then came ma and pa, and the time when we were first initiated in then the eldest son, a boy cf fourteen tne mysteries of the alphabet. We al- years old, who was evidently trying to SCENES. 65 look as if he did not belong to the in the attempt, the little boys applauded family. vehemently, especially one little fellow The first five minutes were occupied who was apparently on a visit to the fain taking the shawls off the little girls, mily, and had been carrying on a child's and adjusting the bows which ornament- flirtation, the whole evening, with a small ed their hair; then it was providentially coquet of twelve years old, who looked discovered that one of the little boys was like a model of her mamma on a reduced seated behind a pillar and could not see, scale; and who in common with the other so the governess was stuck behind the little girls (who generally speaking have pillar, and the boy lifted into her place. even more coquettishness about them than Then pa drilled the boys, and directed much older ones) looked very properly the stowing away of their pocket-hand- shocked, when the knight's squire kissed kerchiefs; and ma having first nodded the princess's confidential chambermaid and winked to the governess to pull the When the scenes in the circle corngirls' fiocks a little more off their should- menced, the children were more delighted ers, stood up to review the little troop- than ever; and the wish to see what was an inspection which appeared to terminate going forward, completely conquering pa's much to her own satisfaction, for she look- dignity, he stood up in the box, and aped with a complacent air at pa, who was plauded as loud as any of them. Between standing up at the further end of the each feat of horsemanship, the governess seat. Pa returned the glance, and blew leant across to ma, and retailed the clever his nose very emphatically; and the poor remarks of the children on that which governess peeped out from behind the had preceded: and ma, in the openness pillar, and timidly tried to catch ma's of her heart, offered the governess an eye, with a look expressive of her high acidulated drop, and the governess, gratiadmiration of the whole family. Then fled to be taken notice of, retired behind two of the little boys who had been dis- her pillar again with a brighter countecussing the point whether Astley's was nance: and the whole party seemed quite more than twice as large as Drury-lane, happy, except the exquisite in the back agreed to refer it to "George" for his of the box, who, being too grand to take decision; at which "George," who was any interest in the children, and top inno other than the young gentleman before significant to be taken notice of by any noticed, w.axed indignant, and remon- body else, occupied himself, from time to strated in no very gentle terms on the time, in rubbing the place where the whisgross impropriety of having his name re- kers ought to be, and was completely peated in so loud a voice at a public alone in his glory. place, on which all the children laughed We defy any one who has been to Astvery heartily, and one of the little boys ley's two or three times, and is consewound up by expressing his opinion that quently capable of appreciating the perse"George began to think himself quite a verance with which precisely the same man now," whereupon both pa and ma jokes are repeated night after night, and laughed too; and George (who carried a season after season, not to be amused with dress cane, and was cultivating whiskers) one part of the performances at leastmuttered that "William always was en- we mean the scenes in the circle. Foi couraged in his impertinence;" and as- ourself, we know that when the hoop, sumed a look of profound contempt, which composed of jets of gas, is let down, the lasted the whole evening. curtain is drawn up for the convenience of The play began, and the interest of the the half-price on their ejectment from the little boys knew no bounds. Pa was clear- ring, the orange-peel cleared away, and ly interested too, although he very unsuc- the sawdust shaken with mathematical fiully endeavoured to look as if he wasn't. precision into a complete circle, we feel as As for ma, she was perfectly overcome by much enlivened as the youngest child prethe drollery of the principal comedian, sent; and actually join in the laugh which and laughed till every one of the immense follows the clown's shrill shout of " Here bows on her ample cap trembled, at which we are!" just for old acquaintance' sake. the governess peeped out from behind the Nor can we quite divest ourself of our pillar again, and whenever she could old. feeling of reverence for the ridingcatch ma's eye, put her handkerchief to master, who follows the clown with a long her mouth, and appeared, as in duty bound, whip in his hand, and bows to the audience to be in convulsions of laughter also. with graceful dignity. He is none of Then when the man in the splendid ar- your second-rate riding-masters in nan. nlour vowed to rescue the lady or perish keen dressing-gowns, with brown frogs, 6* I 66 SKETCHES BY BOZ. but the regular gentleman-attendant on formance of the latter, ceremony-" ie, the principal riders, who always wears a he, oh! I say, sir, Miss Woolford knows military uniform with a table-cloth inside me; she smiled at me." Another cut from the breast of the coat, in which costume the whip, a burst from the orchestra, a he forcibly reminds one of a fowl trussed start from the horse, and round goes Miss for roasting. He is-but why should we Woolford again on her graceful performattempt to describe that of which no de- ance, to the delight of every member of scription can convey an adequate idea? the audience, young or old. The next Every body knows the man, and every pause affords an opportunity for similar body remembers his polished boots, his witticism, the only additional fun being graceful demeanour, stiff, as some mis- that of the clown making ludicrous grimjudging persons have in their jealousy aces at the riding-master every time his considered it, and the splendid head of back is turned; and finally quitting the black hair, parted high on the forehead, to circle by jumping over his head, having impart to the countenance an appearance previously directed his attention another of deep thought and poetic melancholy. way. His soft and pleasing voice, too, is in per- Did any of our readers ever notice the feet unison with his noble bearing, as he class of people, who hang about the stagehumours the clown by indulging in a little doors of our minor theatres in the daytime t badinage; and the striking recollection You will rarely pass one of these entrances of his own dignity, with which he ex- without seeing a group of three or four claims "Now, sir, if you please, inquire men conversfng on the pavement, with an for Miss Woolford, sir," can never be for- indescribable public-house-parlour swaggotten. The graceful air, too, with which ger, and a kind of conscious air, peculiar to he introduces Miss Woolford into the people of this description. They always arena, and, after assisting her to the sad- seem to think they are exhibiting; the dle, follows her fairy courser round the lamps are ever before them. That young circle, can never fail to create a deep im- fellow in the faded brown coat, and very pression in the bosom of every female ser- full light green trousers, pulls down the vant present. wristbands of his check shirt, as ostentaWhen Miss Woolford, and the horse, tiously as if it were of the finest linen, and and the orchestra, stop to take breath, he cocks the white hat of the summer before urbanely takes part in some such dialogue last as knowingly over his right eye, as if as the following (commenced by the it were a purchase of yesterday. Look clown): "I say, sir!" —" Well, sir." (it's at the dirty white Berlin gloves, and the always conducted in the politest manner.) cheap silk-handkerchiefstuck in the bosom "Did you ever happen to hear I was in of his threadbare'coat. Is it possible to see the army, sir V" -- No sir." — "Oh, yes, him for an instant, and not come to the sir-I can go through my exercise, sir." conclusion that he is the walking gentle"Indeed, sir!"-" Shall I do it now, sir " man who wears a blue surtout, clean col" If you please, sir; come, sir-make lar, and white trousers, for half an hour, haste" (a cut with the long whip, and and then shrinks into his worn-out scanty " ia' done now-I don't like it," from the clothes; who has to boast night after night clown). Here the clown throws himself of his splendid fortune, with the painful on the ground, and goes through a variety consciousness of a pound a-week and his of gymnastic convolutions, doubling him- boots to find; to talk of his father's mansion self up, and untying himself again, and in the country, with a dreary recollection making himself look very like a man in of his own two-pair back, in the New the most hopeless extreme of human Cut; and to be envied and flattered as the agony, to the vociferous delight of the favoured lover of a rich heiress, remembergallery, until he is interrupted by a second ing all the while that the ex-da.ncer at cut from the long whip, and a request to home is in the family way, and out of an "see what Miss W oolford's stopping for?" engagement? On which, to the inexpressible mirth of Next to him, perhaps, you will see a the gallery, he exclaims, " Now, Miss thin pale man, with a very long face, in a Woolford, what can I come for to go, for suit of shining black, thoughtfully knockto fetch, for to brinf, for to carry, for to ing that part of his boot which once had a do, for you, ma'am?" On the lady's an- heel, with an ash stick. He is the man nouncing with a sweet smile that she who does the heavy business, such as prosy wants the two flags, they are, with sundry fathers, virtuous servants, curates, landgrimaces, procured and handed up; the lords, and so forth. rlown facetiously observing after the per- By the way, talking of fathers, we should SCEN ES. 67 li e very much to see some piece in which Astley's, or saw him but on horseback? all the dramatis persona were orphans. Fa- Can our friend in the military uniform thers are invariably great nuisances on the ever appear in threadbare attire, or descend stage, and always have to give the hero or to the comparatively un-wadded costume heroine a long explanation of what was of every-day life Impossible! We can. done before the curtain rose, usually com- not-we will not-believe it. mencing with " It is now nineteen years, my dear child, since your blessed mother (here the old villain's voice falters) confided you to my charge. You were then an infant," &c. &c. Or else they have to discover, all of a sudden, that somebody CHAPTER XII. whom they have been in constant communication with, during three long acts, GREENWICH FAIR. without the slightest suspicion, is their own child: in which case they exclaim, IF the parks be " the lungs of London," "Ah! what do I see? This bracelet! we wonder what Greenwich Fair is-a That smile! These documents! Those periodical breaking out, we suppose, a sort eyes! Can I believe my senses?-It of spring-rash: a three days' fever, which nust be!-Yes-it is, it is my child! " cools the blood for six months afterwards, -" My father!" exclaims the child; and and at the expiration of which, London is they fall into each other's arms, and look restored to its old habits of plodding inover each other's shoulders, and the audi- dustry, as suddenly and completely as if ence give three rounds of applause. nothing had ever happened to disturb To return from this digression, we were them. about to say these are the sort of people In our earlier days, we were a constant whom you see talking, and attitudinizing, frequenter of Greenwich Fair, for years. outside the stage-doors of our minor thea- We have proceeded to, and returned fiomi tres. At Astley's they are always more it, in almost every description of vehinumerous than at any other place. There cle. We cannot conscientiously deny the is generally a groom or two, sitting on the charge of having once made the passage window-sill, and two or three dirty shabby in a spring-van, accompanied by thirteen genteel men in checked neckerchiefs, and gentlemen, fourteen ladies, an unlimited sallow linen, lounging about, and carry- number of children, and a barrel of beer; ing, perhaps, under one arm, a pair of and weo have a vague recollection of stage shoes badly wrapped up in a piece having, in later days, found ourself the of old newspaper. Some years ago we eighth outside, on the top of a hackney. used to stand looking, open-mouthed, at coach, at something past four o'clock in these men, with a feeling of mysterious the morning, with a rather confused idea curiosity, the very recollection of which of our own name, or place of residence. provokes a smile at the moment we are We have grown older since then, and writing. WTe could not believe, that the quiet, and steady; liking nothing better beings of light and elegance, in milk-white than to spend our Easter, and all our other tunics, salmon coloured legs, and blue holidays, in some quiet nook, with people scarfs, who flitted on sleek cream-coloured of whom we shall never tire: but we think horses before our eyes at night, with all we still remember something of Greenthe aid of artificial flowers, could be the wich Fair, and those who resort to it. At pale, dissipated-looking creatures we be- all events, we will try. held by day. The road to Greenwich during the We can hardly believe it now. Of the whole of Easter Monday, is in a state of lower class of actors we have seen some- perpetual bustle and noise. Cabs, hackthing, and it requires no great exercise of ney-coaches, "shay" carts, coal-waggons, imagination to identify the walking gen- stages, omnibuses, sociables, gigs, donkeytleman with the " dirty swell," the comic chaises-all crammed with people (for the singer with the public-house chairman, question never is, what the horse can draw, or the leading tragedian with drunken- but what the vehicle will hold), roll al6ng at ness and distress; but these other men are their utmost speed; the dust flies in clouds, mysterious beings, never seen out of the ginger-beer corks go off in volleys, the ring, never beheld but in the costume of balcony of every public-house is crowded gods and sylphs. With the exception of with people, smoking and drinking, half Ducrow, who can scarcely be classed the private houses are turned into tea. among them, who ever knew a rider at shops, fiddles are in great request, every 68 SKETCHES BY BOZ. little fruit-shop displays its stall of gilt gaping crowd, reinforced by the accesgingerbread and penny toys; turnpike sion of several new comers. men are in despair; horses won't go on, The chief place of resort in the dayand wheels will come off; ladies in" cara- time, after the public-houses, is the park, wans" scream with fright at every fresh in which the principal amusement is to concussion, and their admirers find it drag young ladies up the steep hill which necessary to sit remarkably close to them, leads to the observatory, and then drag by way of encouragement; servants of them down again, at the very top of their all-work, who are not allowed to have speed, greatly to the derangement of followers, and have got a holiday for the their curls and bonnet-caps, and much to day, make the most of their time with the edification of lookers-on from below. the faithful admirer who waits for a stolen " Kiss in the Ring," and'" Threading my interview at the corner of the street every Grandmother's Needle," too, are sports night, when they go to fetch the beer- which receive their full share of patronapprentices grow sentimental, and straw- age. Love-sick swains, under the inbonnet makers kind. Every body is an- fluence of gin-and-water, and the tender xious to get on, and actuated by the com- passion, become violently affectionate: mon wish to be at the fair, or in the park, and the fair objects of their regard, enas soon as possible. hance the value of stolen kisses, by a vast Pedestrians linger in groups at the deal of struggling, and holding down of roadside, unable to resist the allurements heads, and cries of " Oh! ha' done, then, of the stout proprietress of the "Jack-in- George-Oh, do tickle him for me, Mary the-box-three shies a penny," or the -Well, I never!" and similar Lucretian more splendid offers of the man with ejaculations. Little old men and women, three thimbles and a pea on a little round with a small basket under one arm, and a board, who astonishes the bewildered wine-glass, without a foot, in the other crowd with some such address as, " Here's hand, tender " a drop o' the right sort" to the sort o' game to make you laugh seven the different groups; and young ladies, years arter you're dead, and turn ev'ry who are persuaded to indulge in a drop air on your ed gray vith delight! Three of the aforesaid right sort, display a pleasthimbles and vun little pea-vith a vun, ing degree of reluctance to taste it, and two, three, and a two, three, vun: catch cough afterwards with great propriety. him who can, look on, keep your eyes The old pensioners, who, for the moderopen, and niver say die! niver mind the ate charge of a penny, exhibit the mastchange, and the expense: all fair and house, the Thames and shipping, the above board: them as don't play can't place where the men used to hang in vin, and luck attend the ryal sportsman! chains, and other interesting sights, Bet any gen'lm'n any sum of money, through a telescope, are asked questions from harf-a-crown up to a suverin, as he about objects within the range of the doesn't name the thimble as kivers the glass, which it would puzzle a Solomon pea!" Here some greenhorn whispers to answer; and requested to find out parhis friend, that he distinctly saw the pea ticular houses in particular streets, which roll under the middle thimble —an im- it would have been a task of some difpression which is immediately confirmed ficulty for Mr. Horner (not the young by a gentleman in top-boots, who is stand- gentleman who ate mince-pies with his ing by, and who, in a low tone, regrets thumb, but the man of Colosseum notohis own inability to bet in consequence riety) to discover. Here and there, where of having unfortunately left his purse at some three or four couple are sitting on home, but strongly urges the stranger not the grass together, you will see a sunto neglect such a golden opportunity. burnt woman in a red cloak " telling forThe "plant" is successful, the bet is tunes" and prophesying husbands, which made, the stranger of course loses: and it requires no extraordinary observation the gentleman with the thimbles consoles to describe, for the originals are before him, as he pockets the money, with an her. Thereupon, the lady concerned, assurance that it's " all the fortin of war! laughs and blushes, and ultimately buries this time I vin, next time you vin: niver her face in an imitation-cambric handkermind the loss of two bob and a bender! chief, and the gentleman described, looks Do it up in a small parcel, and break out extremely foolish, and squeezes her hand, in a fresh place. Here's the sort o' game," and fees the gipsy liberally; and the &c. — and the eloquent harangue, with gipsy goes away, perfectly satisfied her such variations as the speaker's exuberant self, and leaving those behind her per fancy suggests, is again repeated to the fectly satisfied also: and the prophecy SCENES. 69 like many other prophecies of greater squeaking of penny dittos, the noise of a importance, fulfils itself in time. dozen bands, with three drums in each, But it grows dark: the crowd has all playing different tunes at the same gradually dispersed, and only a few strag- time, the hallooing of showmen, and an glers are left behind. The light in the occasional roar from the wild-beast shows; direction of the church, shows that the fair and you are in the very heart and centre is illuminated; and the distant noise proves of the fair. it to be filling fast. The spot which half an This immense booth, with the large flour ago was ringing with the shouts of stage in front, so brightly illuminated boisterous mirth, is as calm and quiet as if with variegated lamps, and pots of burnnothing could ever disturb its serenity; ing fat, is " Richardson's," where you have the fine old trees, the majestic building at a melo-drama (with three murders and a their feet, with the noble river beyond, ghost), a pantomime, a comic song, an glistening in the moonlight, appear in all overture, and some incidental music, all their beauty, and under their most favour- done in five-and-twenty minutes. able aspect; the voices of the boys, singing The company are now promenading their evening hymn, are borne gently on outside in all the dignity of wigs, spangles, the air; and the humblest mechanic who red-ochre, and whitening. See with what has been lingering on the grass so plea- a ferocious air the gentleman who personsant to the feet that beat the same dull ates the Mexican chief, paces up and down, round from week to week in the paved and with what an eye of calm dignity streets of London, feels proud to think as the principal tragedian gazes on the crowd he surveys the scene before him, that he below, or converses confidentially with the belongs to the country which has selected harlequin! The four clowns, who are such a spot as a retreat for its oldest and engaged in a mock broadsword combat, best defenders in the decline of their may be all very well for the low-minded lives. holiday-makers; but these are the people Five minutes' walking brings you to the for the reflective portion of the community. fair; a scene calculated to awaken very They look so noble in those Roman different feelings. The entrance is occu- dresses, with their yellow legs and arms, pied on either side by the venders of long black curly heads, bushy eyebrows, gingerbread and toys: the stalls are gaily and scowl expressive of assassination, and lighted up, the most attractive goods pro- vengeance, and every thing else that is fusely disposed, and unbonneted young grand and solemn. Then, the ladiesladies, in their zeal for the interest of were there ever such innocent and awfultheir employers, seize you by the coat, looking beings; as they walk up and down and use all the blandishments of "Do, the platforms in twos and threes, with dear"-" There's a love"-" Don't be their arms round each other's waists, or cross, now," &c., to induce you to pur- leaning for support on one of those majes. chase half a pound of the real spice nuts, tic men! Their spangled muslin dresses of which the majority of the regular fair- and blue satin shoes and sandals (a leetle goers carry a pound or two as a present the worse for wear) are the admiration of supply, tied up in a cotton pocket-hand- all beholders; and the playful manner in kerchief. Occasionally you pass a deal which they check the advances of the table, on which are exposed pen'orths of clown is perfectly enchanting. pickled salmon, (fennel included), in little "Just a-going to begin; Pray come white saucers: oysters, with shells as for'erd, come for'erd," exclaims the man large as cheese-plates, and divers speci- in the countrymen's dress, for the sevenmens of a species of snail (wilks, we think tieth time: and people force their way up they are called), floating in a somewhat the steps in crowds. The band suddenly bilious-looking green liquid. Cigars, too, strikes up, the harlequin and columbine are in great demand; gentlemen must set the example, reels are formed in less smoke, of course, and here they are, two than no time, the Roman heroes place a penny, in a regular authentic cigar-box, thir arms a-kimbo, and dance with considwith a lighted tallow candle in the centre. erable agility; and the leading tragic Imagine yourself in an extremely dense actress, and the gentleman who enacts the crowd, which swings you to and fro, and "swell" in the pantomime, foot it to perin and out, and every way but the right fection. " All in to begin," shouts the one; add to this the screams of women, manager, when no more people can be the shouts of boys, the clanging of gongs, induced to " come for'erd," and away rush the firing of pistols, the ringing of bells, the leading members of the company to the bellowings of speaking-trumpets, the do the dreadful in the first piece. 70 SKETCHES BY BOZ. A change of performance takes place young lady, by half suffocating them with every day during the fair, but the story smoke: and then a muffin-bell rings, and of the tragedy is always pretty much the the curtain drops. same. There is a rightful heir, who The exhibitions next in popularity to loves a young lady, and is beloved by these itinerant theatres, are the travel her; and a wrongful heir, who loves her ling menageries, or, to speak more inteltoo, and isn't beloved by her; and the ligibly, the "Wild-beast shows," where wrongful heir gets hold of the rightfkl a military band in beef-eater's costume, heir, and throws him into a dungeon, just with leopard-skin caps, play incessantly; to kill him off when convenient, for which and where large highly-coloured reprepurpose he hires a couple of assassins-a sentations of tigers tearing men's heads good one and a bad one-who, the mo- open, and a lion being burnt with red-hot ment they are left alone, get up a little irons to induce him to drop his victim, murder on their own account, the good are hung up outside, by way of attracting one killing the bad one, and the bad one visiters. wounding the good one. Then the right- The principal officer at these places, is ful heir is discovered in prison, carefully generally a very tall, hoarse man, in a holding a long chain in his hands, and scarlet coat, with a cane in his hand, with seated despondingly in a large arm-chair; which he occasionally raps the pictures and the young lady comes in to two bars we have just noticed, by way of illustraof soft music, and embraces the rightful ting his description-something in this heir; and then the wrongful heir comes way. "Here, here, here; the lion, the in to two bars of quick music, (tech- lion (tap,) exactly as he is represented on iically called "a hurry") and goes on in the canvas outside (three taps:) no waitthe most shocking manner, throwing the ing, remember; no deception. The feyoung lady about, as if she was nobody, ro-cious lion (tap, tap) who bit off the and calling the rightful heir "Ar-recreant gentleman's head last Cambervel vos a -ar-wretch!" in a very loud voice, which twelvemonth, and has killed on the aweranswers the double purpose of displaying age three keepers a-year ever since he his passion, and preventing the sound be- arrived at matoority. No extra charge ing deadened by the sawdust. The inter- on this account recollect; the price of est becomes intense; the wrongful heir admission is only sixpence." This addraws his sword, and rushes on the right- dress never fails to produce a consider ful heir; a blue smoke is seen, a gong is able sensation, and sixpences flow into heard, and a tall white figure (who has the treasury with wonderful rapidity. been, all this time, behind the arm-chair, The dwarfs are also objects of great covered over with a table-cloth,) slowly curiosity, and as a dwarf, a giantess, a rises to the tune of "Oft in the stilly living skeleton, a wild Indian, " a young night." This is no other than the ghost lady of singular beauty, with perfectly of the rightful heir's father, who was white hair and pink eyes," and two or killed by the wrongful heir's father, at three other natural curiosities, are usually sight of which the wrongful heir becomes exhibited together for the small charge apoplectic, and is literally " struck all of of a penny, they attract very numerous a heap," the stage not being large enough audiences. The best thing about a dwarf to admit of his falling down at full length. is, that he has always a little box, about Then the good assassin staggers in, and two feet six inches high, into which, by says he was hired in conjunction with the long practice, he can just manage to get, bad assassin, by the wrongful heir, to kill by doubling himself up like a boot-jack; the rightful heir; and he's killed a good this box is painted outside like a six-roommany people in his time, but he's very ed house, and as the crowd see him ring sorry for it, and won't do so any more-a a bell, or fire a pistol out of the first-floor promise which he immediately redeems, window, they verily believe that it is his by dying off hand, without any nonsense ordinary town residence, divided like about it. Then the rightful heir throws other mansions into drawing-rooms, dindown his chain; and then two men, a ing-parlour, and bed-chambers. Shut up sailor, and a young woman (the tenantry in this case, the unfortunate little object of the rightful heir) come in, and the is brought out to delight the throng by ghost makes dumb motions to them, which holding a facetious dialogue with the they, by supernatural interference, un- proprietor: in the course of which, the derstand-for no one else can; and the dwarf (who is always particularly drunk) ghost (who can't do any thing without pledges himself to sing a comic song initlue fire) blesses the rightful heir and the side, and pays various compliments to the I\, x~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~a SCENES. 71 ladies, which induce them to "come with aching heads, empty pockets, dam for'erd" with great alacrity. As a giant aged hats, and a very imperfect recolis not so easily moved, a pair of inde- lection of how it was, they did not get scribables of most capacious dimensions, home. and a huge shoe, are usually brought out, into which two or three stout men get all -- at once, to the enthusiastic delight of the crowd, who are quite satisfied with the CHAPTER X solemn assurance that these habilimentsR form part of the giant's every-day cos- PRIVATE THEATRES. tume. The grandest and most numerously- "RICHARD THE THIRD. — DUE OF frequented booth in the whole fair, how- GLO'STER, 21.; EARL OF RICHMOND, 1.; ever, is "The Crown and Anchor"-a DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM, 15s.; CATESBY, temporary ball-room- we forget how 12s.; TRESSEIL, 0ls. 6d.; LORD STAN. many hundred feet long, the price of ad. LEY, 5S.; LORD MAYOR OF LONDON, 2s. mission to which is one shilling. Im- d." mediately on your right hand as you enter, after paying your money, is a re- SUCH are the written placards wafered freshment place, at which cold beef, roast up in the gentlemen's dressing-room, or and boiled, French rolls, stout, wine, the green-room (where there is any,) at tongue, ham, even fowls, if we recollect a private theatre; and such are the sums right, are displayed in tempting array. extracted from the shop till, or overThere is a raised orchestra, and the place charged in the office expenditure, by the is boarded all the way down, in patches, donkeys who are prevailed upon to pay just wide enough for a country dance. for permission to exhibit their lamentable There is no master of the ceremonies ignorance and boobyism on the stage of a in this artificial Eden-all is primitive, private theatre. This they do, in proporulreserved, and unstudied. The dust is tion to the scope afforded by the characblinding, the heat insupportable, the cor- ter for the display of their imbecility. pany somewhat noisy, and in the highest For instance, the Duke of Glo'ster is spirits possible: the ladies, in the height well worth two pounds, because he has of their innocent animation, dancing in it all to himself; he must wear a real the gentlemen's hats, and the gentlemen sword, and what is better still, he mnust promenading "the gay and festive scene" draw it, several times in the course of in the ladies' bonnets, or with the more the piece. The soliloquies alone are expensive ornaments of false noses, and well worth fifteen shillings; then there low-crowned, tinder-box looking hats: is the stabbing King Henry- decidedly playing children's drums, and accompani- cheap at three-and-sixpence, that's eighed by ladies on the penny trumpet. teen-and-sixpence; bullying the coffinThe noise of these various instruments, bearers-say eighteen-pence, though it's the orchestra, the shouting, the " scratch- worth much more-that's a pound. Then ers," and the dancing, is perfectly be- the love scene with Lady Ann, and the wildering. The dancing, itself, beggars bustle of the fourth act, can't be dear at description-every figure lasts about an ten shillings more-that's only one pound hour, and the ladies bounce up and down ten, including the "off with his head!"the middle, with a degree of spirit which which is sure to bring down the applause, is quite indescribable. As to the gentle- and it is very easy to do —" Orf- with his men, they stamp their feet against the ed" (very quick and loud;-then slow and ground, every time "hands four round" sneeringly)-" So much for Bu-u-u-uckbegins, go down the middle and up again, ingham!" Lay the emphasis on the with cigars in their mouths, and silk "uck;" get yourself gradually into a handkerchiefs in their hands, and whirl corner, and work with your right hand, their partners round, nothing loth, scram- while you're saying it, as if you were bling and falling, and embracing, and feeling your way, and it's sure to do. knocking up against the other couples, The tent scene is confessedly worth halfuntil they are fairly tired out, and can a-sovereign, and so you have the fight in, move no longer. The same scene is re- gratis, and every body knows what an peated again and again (slightly varied effect may be produced by a good combat. by an occasional " row") until a late hour One-two —three-four-over; then, one at night: and a great manyclerks and -two-three-four-under; then thrust;'prentices nrld themselves next morning then dodge and slide about; then fall 72 SKETCHES BY BOZ. down on one knee; then fight upon it, of persuading the people near them, that and then get up again and stagger. You they are not at all anxious to have it up may keep on doing this, as long as it again, and speak familiarly of the inferior seems to take — say ten minutes — and performers as Bill Such-a-one, and Ned then fall down (backwards, if you can So-and-so, or tell each other how a new manage it without hurting yourself;) and piece called The Unknown Bandit of the die game: nothing like it for producing Invisible Cavern, is in rehearsal; hov an effect. They always do it at Astley's Mister Palmer is to play The Unknown and Sadler's Wells, and if they don't Bandit; how Charley Scarton is to take know how to do this sort of thing, who the part of an English sailor, and fight a in the world does? A small child, or a broadsword combat with six unknown female in white, increases the interest of bandits, at one and the same time (one a combat materially-indeed, we are not theatrical sailor is always equal to half a aware that a regular legitimate terrific dozen men at least;) how Mister Palmer broadsword combat could be done with- and Charley Scarton are to go through a out; but it would be rather difficult, and double hornpipe in fetters in the second somewhat unusual, to introduce this effect act; how the interior of the invisible in the last scene of Richard the Third, so cavern is to occupy the whole extent of the only thing to be done, is, just to make the stage; and other town-surprising theathe best of a bad bargain, and be as long trical announcements. These gentlemen as possible fighting it out. are the amateurs —the Richards, ShyThe principal patrons of private thea- locks, Beverleys, and Othellos - the tres are dirty boys, low copying-clerks in Young Dorntons, Rovers, Captain Abattorneys' offices, capacious-headed youths solutes, and Charles Sufaces — of a prifrom city counting-houses, Jews whose vate theatre. business, as lenders of fancy dresses, is a See them at the neighbouring publicsure passport to the amateur stage, shop- house or the theatrical coffee-shop! They boys who now and then mistake their are the kings of the place, supposing no m ster's money for their own; and a real performers to be present; and roll choice miscellany of idle vagabonds. The about, hats on one side, and arms a-kimbo, proprietor of a private theatre may be as if they had actually come into posses an ex-scene-painter, a low coffee-house- sion of eighteen shillings a-week, and a keeper, a disappointed eighth-rate actor, share of a ticket night. If one of them a retired smuggler, or an uncertificated does but know an Astley's supernumerary, bankrupt. The theatre itself may be in he is a happy fellow. The mingled ail Catherine-street, Strand, the purlieus of of envy and admiration with which his the city, the neighbourhood of Gray's-inn- companions will regard him, as he con lane, or the vicinity of Sadler's Wells; verses familiarly with some mouldy-lookor it may, perhaps, form the chief nui- ing man in a fancy neckerchief; whose sance of some shabby street, on the Sur- partially corked eyebrows, and half-rouged rey side of Waterloo bridge. face, testify to the fact of his having just The lady performers pay nothing for left the stage or the circle, sufficiently their characters, and it is needless to add, shows in what high admiration these pubare usually selected from one class of lic characters are held. society; the audiences are necessarily of With the double view of guarding much the same character as the perform- against the discovery of friends or emers, who receive, in return for their con- ployers, and enhancing the interest of an tributions to the management, tickets to assumed character, by attaching a highthe amount of the money they pay. sounding name to its representative, these All the minor theatres in London, geniuses assume fictitious names, which especially the lowest, constitute the cen- are not the least amusing part of the tre of a little stage-struck neighbourhood. play-bill of a private theatre. Belville, Each of them has an audience exclusive- Melville, Treville, Berkeley, Randolph, ly its own; and at any you will see drop- Byron, St. Clair, and so forth, are among ping into the pit at half-price, or swag- the humblest; and the less imposing titles gering into the back of a box, if the price of Jenkins, Walker, Thomson, Barker, of admission be a reduced one, divers Solomons, &c., are completely laid aside. boys of from fifteen to twenty-one years There is something imposing in this, and of age, who throw back their coat and it is an excellent apology.for shabbiness turn up their wristbands, after the por- into the bargain. A shrunken, faded coat, traits of Count D'Orsay, hum tunes and a decayed hat, a patched and soiled pair whistle when the curtain is down, by way of trousers-nay even a very dirty shirt /i_' /:- y,/;e -. A/ -. u-_y,.'!'i'!~~~~~~~~C ~i SCENES. 73 (and none of these appearances are very proprietor-opulent country managers, as uncommon among the members of the he confidentially informs every individual corps dramatique,) may be worn for the among the crew behind the curtain-opupurpose of disguise, and to prevent the lent country managers looking out for remotest chance of recognition. Then recruits; a representation which Mr. it prevents any troublesome inquiries or Nathan, the dresser, who is in the manexplanations about employment and pur- ager's interest, and has just arrived with suits; every body is a gentleman at the costumes, offers to confirm upon oath larog, for the occasion, and there are none if required-corroborative evidence, howof those unpleasant and unnecessary dis- ever, is quite unnecessary, for the gulls tinctions to which even genius must oc- believe it at once. casionally succumb elsewhere. As to the The stout Jewess, who has just enterladies' (God bless them,) they are quite ed, is the mother of the pale bony little above any formal absurdities; the mere girl, with the necklace of blue glass circumstance of your being behind the beads, sitting by her; she is being brought scenes is a sufficient introduction to their up to "the profession " Pantomime is society-for of course they know that to be her line, and she is coming out tonone but strictly respectable persons night, in a hornpipe after the tragedy. would be admitted into that close fellow- The short thin man beside Mr. St. Julien, ship with them, which acting engenders. whose white face is so deeply seared with They place implicit reliance on the man- the small-pox, and whose dirty shirt-front ager, no doubt; and as to the manager, is inlaid with open-work, and embossed he is all affability when he knows you with coral studs like ladybirds, is the low well, -or, in other words, when he has comedian and comic singer of the estapocketed your money once, and entertains blishment. The remainder of the audiconfident hopes of doing so again. ence —a tolerably numerous one by this A quarter before eight there will be time - are a motley group of dupes and; a full house to-night — six parties in the blackguards. boxes, already; four little boys and a The foot-lights have just made their woman in the pit; and two fiddles and a appearance: the wicks of the six little flute in the orchestra, who have got oil lamps round the oniy tier of boxes, are through five overtures since seven o'clock being turned up, and the additional light (the hour fixed for the commencement of thus afforded, serves to show the presence the performances,) and have just begun of dirt, and absence of paint, which forms the sixth. There will be plenty of it, a prominent feature in the audience part though, when it does begin, for there is of the house. As these preparations, enough in the bill to last six hours at however, announce the speedy commenceleast. ment of the play, let us take a peep "beThat gentleman in the white hat and hind," previous to the ringing-up. checked shirt, brown coat and brass but- * The little narrow passages beneath the tons, lounging behind the stage-box on stage are neither especially clean nor too the 0. P. side, is Mr. Horatio St. Julien, brilliantly lighted; and the absence of alias Jem Larkins. His line is genteel any flooring, together with the damp comedy-his father's, coal and potato. mildewy smell which pervades the place, He does Alfred Highflier in the last does not conduce in any great degree to piece, and very well he'll do it- at the their comfortable appearance. Don't fall price. The party of gentlemen in the over this plate-basket —it's one of thle opposite box, to whom he has just nodded, ". properties"-the caldron for the witches are friends and supporters of Mr. Bever- cave; and the three uncouth-looking ley (otherwise Loggins,) the Macbeth of figures, with broken clothes-props in their the night. You observe their attempts hands, who are drinking gin-and-water to appear easy and gentlemanly, each out of a pint pot, are the weird sisters. member of the party, with his feet cock- This miserable room, lighted by candles ed up on the cushion in front of the box! in sconces placed at lengthened intervals They let them do these things here, upon round the wall, is the dressing-room, comthe same humane principle which per- mon to the gentlemen performers, and mits poor people's children to knock dou- the square hole in the ceiling is the trapble knocks at the door of an empty house door of the stage above. You will ob -because they can't do it any where serve that the ceiling is ornal.en-ed with else. The two stout men in the centre the beams that support the boards, and' box, with an opera-glass ostentatiously tastefully hung with cobwebs. placed before them, are friends of the The characters in the tragedy are al 7 K 74 SKETCHES BY BOZ. dressed, and their own clothes are scat- her of the company into the little space tered in hurried confusion over the there is between the wings and the wall, wooden dresser which surrounds the and one wing and another. "Places, room. That snuff-shop-looking figure, in places. Now then, Witches-~Duncanfront of the glass, is Banquo: and the Malcolm-bleeding officer-where's the young lady with the liberal display of bleeding officer " —" Here!" replies the legs, who is kindly painting his face with officer, who has been rose-pinking for the a hare's foot, is dressed for Fleance. The character. "Get ready, then; now, White, large woman, who is consulting the stage ring the second music-bell." The actors directions in Cumberland's edition of who are to be discovered, are hastily arMacbeth, is the Lady Macbeth of the ranged, and the actors who are not to be night; she is always selected to play the discovered place themselves, in their part, because she is tall and stout, and anxiety to peep at the house, just where looks a little like Mrs. Siddons-at a con- the whole audience can see them. The siderable distance. That stupid-looking bell rings, and the orchestra, in acknowmilksop, with light hair and bow legs-a ledgment of the call, play three distinct kind of man whom you can warrant town- chords. The bell rings-the tragedy (!) made - is fresh caught; he plays Mal- opens -and our description closes. colm to-night, just to accustom himself to an audience. IIe will get on better by degrees; he will play Othello in a month, and in a month more, will very probably be apprehended on a charge'of embezzlement. The black-eyed female with whom CHAPTER XIV. he is talking so earnestly, is dressed for the "gentlewoman." It is her first ap- VAUXHALL-GARDENS BY DAY. pearance, too- in that character. The boy of fourteen, who is having his eye- THERE was a time when if a man venbrows smeared with soap and whitening, tured to wonder how Vauxhall-gardens is Duncan, King of Scotland; and the would look by day, he was hailed with a two dirty men with the corked counte- shout of derision at the absurdity of the nances, in very old green tunics, and idea. Vauxhall by daylight! A porterdirty drab boots, are the "army." pot without porter, the House of Com" Look sharp below there, gents," ex- mons without the Speaker, a gas-lamp claims the dresser, a red-headed and red- without the gas pooh, nonsense, the whiskered Jew, calling through the trap, thing was not to be thought of. It was "they're a-going to ring up. The flute rumoured, too, in those times, that Vauxsays he'll be blowed if he plays any more, hall-gardens by day, were the scene of and they're getting precious noisy in secret and hidden experiments; that front." A general rush immediately there, carvers were exercised in the mystakes place to the half-dozen little steep tic art of cutting a moderate-sized ham steps leading to the stage, and the hetero- into slices thin enough to pave the whole geneous group are soon assembled at the of the grounds; that beneath the shade side scenes, in breathless anxiety and of the tall trees, studious men were con. motley confusion. stantlyengaged in chemical experiments, "Now," cries the manager, consulting with the view of discovering how much the written list which hangs behind the water a bowl df negus could possibly first P. S. wing, " Scene 1, open country bear; and that in some retired nooks, ap. -lamps down-thunder and lightning- propriated to the study of ornithology, all ready, White?" [This is addressed to other sage and learned men were, by a one of the army.] "All ready."-" Very process known only to themselves, inceswell. Scene 2, front chamber. Is the santly employed in reducing fowls to a front chamber down?"-" Yes."-" Very mere combination of skin and bone. well."-" Jone^s' [to the other army who Vague rumours of this kind, together is up in the flies.] "Hallo' —" Wind with many others of a similar nature, up the open country when we ring up." cast over Vauxhall-gardens an air of deep — " I'll take care."-" Scene'3, back per- mystery; and as there is a great deal in spective with practical bridge. Bridge the mysterious, there is no doubt that to ready, White Got the tressels there " a good many people, at all events, the — " All right." pleasure they afforded was not a little "Very well. Clear the stage," cries enhanced by this very circumstance. tile manager, hastily packing every mem- Of this class of people we confess to SCENES. 75 having made one. We c ved to wander moment the bell rung; the people scam' among these illuminated groves, thinking pered away, pell-mell, to the spot from of the patient and laborious researches whence the sound proceeded; and we, which had been carried on there during from the mere force of habit, found ourthe day, and witnessing their results in self running among the first, as if for the suppers which were served up be- very life. neatl the light of lamps, and to the sound It was for the concert in the orchestra. of music, at night. The temples and Asmall party of dismal men in cocked saloons and cosmoramas and fountains hats were "executing" the overture to glittered and sparkled before our eyes; Tancredi, and a numerous assemblage the beauty of the lady singers and the of ladies and gentlemen, with their famielegant deportment of the gentlemen, lies, had rushed from their half-emptied captivated our hearts; a few hundred stout mugs in the supper boxes, and thousand of additional lamps dazzled our crowded to the spot. Intense was the senses; a bowl or two of reeking punch low murmur of admiration when a parbewildered our brains; and we were ticularly small gentleman, in a dress coat, happy. led on a particularly tall ladyin a blue In an evil hour, the proprietors of sarcenet pelisse and bonnet of'the same, Vauxhall-gardens took to opening them ornamented with large white feathers, by day. We regretted this, as rudely and forthwith commenced a plaintive and harshly disturbing that veil of mys- duet. tery which had hung about the property We knew the small gentleman well, for many years, and which none but the we had seen a lithographed semblance of noonday sun, and the late Mr. Simpson, him, on many a piece of music. with his had ever penetrated. We shrunk from mouth wide open as if in the act of singgoing; at this moment we scarcely know ing; a wine-glass in his hand; and a why. Perhaps a morbid consciousness table with two decanters and four pineof approaching disappointment-perhaps apples on it in the back-ground. The a fatal presentiment-perhaps the wea- tall lady, too, we had gazed on, lost in ther; whatever it was, we did not go un- raptures of admiration, many and many til the second or third announcement of a a time -how different, people do look by race between two balloons tempted us, daylight, and without punch, to be sure! and we went. It was a beautiful duet: first the small We paid our shilling at the gate, and gentleman asked a question, and then the then we saw for the first time, that the tall lady answered it; then the small entrance, if there had ever been any gentleman and the tall lady sang together magic about it at all, was now decidedly most melodiously; then the small gentledisenchanted, being, in fact, nothing more man went through a little piece of vehenor less than a combination of very mence by himself, and got very tenor inroughly-painted boards and sawdust. We deed, in the excitement of his feelings, glanced at the orchestra and supper-room to which the tall lady responded in a as we hurried past-we just recognised similar manner; then the small gentlethem, and that was all. We bent our man had a shake or two, after which the steps to the firework-ground; there, at tall lady had the same, and then they least, we should not be disappointed. We both merged imperceptibly into the origireached it, and stood rooted to the spot nal air: and the band wound themselves with mortification and astonishment. That up to a pitch of fury, and the small genthe moorish tower-that wooden shed tleman handed the tall lady out, and the with a door in the centre, and daubs of applause was rapturous. crimson and yellow all round, like a gi- The comic singer, however, was the gantic watch-case! That the place where especial favourite; we really thought night after night we had beheld the un- that a gentleman, with his dinner in a daunted Mr Blackmore make his terrific pocket-handkerchief, who stood near us, ascent, surrounded by flames of fire, and would have fainted with excess of joy. peals of artillery, and where the white A marvellously facetious gentleman that garments of Madame Somebody (we for- comic singer is; his distinguishing chaget even her name now,) who nobly de- racteristics are, a wig approaching to the voted her life to the manufacture of fire- flaxen, and an aged countenance, and he works, had so often been seen fluttering bears the name of one of the English in the wind, as she called up a red, blue, counties, if we recollect right. He sang or party-coloured light to illumine her a very good song about the seven ages temple! That the -- but at this the first half-hour of which afforded the 76 SKETCHES BY BOZ. assembly the purest delight; of the rest going up in one balloon, and his own son we can make no report, as we did not and his wife a jostling up against them stay to hear any more. in another, and all of them going twenty We walked about, and met with a dis- or thirty mile in three hours or so, and appointment at every turn; our favourite then coming back in pochayses? I don't views were mere patches of paint; the know where this here science is to stop, fountain that had sparkled so showily by mind you; that's what bothers me." lamp-light, presented very much the ap- Here there was a considerable talking pearance of a water-pipe that had burst; among the females in the spencers. all the ornaments were dingy, and all the "' What's the ladies a laughing at, sir?" walks gloomy. There was a spectral at- inquired the little man, condescendingly. tempt at rope-dancing in the little open "It's only my sister Mary," said one theatre. The sun shone upon the span- of the girls, "as says she hopes his lordgled dresses of the performers, and their ship won't be frightened when he's in the evolutions were about as inspiriting and car, and want to come out again." appropriate as a country-dance in a fa- "Make yourself easy about that there, mily-vault. So we retraced our steps to my dear," replied the little man. "If he the firework-ground, and mingled with was so much as to move a inch without the little crowd of people who were con- leave, Green would jist fetch him a crack templatinga Mr. Green. over the head with the telescope, as Some half-dozen men were restraining would send him into the bottom of the the impetuosity of one of the balloons, basket in no time, and stun him till they which was completely filled, and had the come down again." car already attached; and as rumours had "6Would he, though?" inquired the gone abroad that a Lord was " going up," other man. the crowd were more than usually an- "Yes, would he," replied the little one, xious and talkative. There was one lit- " and think nothing of it, neither, if he tie man in faded black, with a dirty face was the king himself. Green's presence and a rusty black neckerchief with a red of mind is wonderful." border, tied in a narrow wisp round his Just at this moment all eyes were di neck, who entered into conversation with rected to the preparations which were every body, and had something to say being made for starting. The car was upon every remark that was made within attached to the second balloon, the two his hearing. He was standing with his were brought pretty close together, and arms fblded, staring up at the balloon, a military band commenced playing, with and every now and then vented his feel- a zeal and fervour which would render ings of reverence for the aeronaut, by the most timid man in existence but too saying, as he looked round to catch some- happy to accept any means of quitting body's eye, "He's a rum'un is Green; that particular spot of earth on which think o' this here being up'ards of his they were stationed. Then Mr. Green, two hundredth ascent; ecod the man as sen., and his noble companion entered is ekal to Green never had the toothache one car, and Mr. Green, jun., and his yet, nor won't have within this hundred companion the other; and then the balyear, and that's all about it. When you loons went up, and the aerial travellers meets with real talent, and native, too, stood up, and the crowd outside roared encourage it, that's what I say;" and with delight, and the two gentlemen who when he had delivered himself to this had never ascended before, tried to wave effect, he would fold his arms with more their flags, as if they were not nervous, determination than ever, and stare at the but held on very fast all the while; and balloon with a sort of admiring defiance the balloons were wafted gently away, of any other man alive, beyond himself our little friend solemnly protesting, long and Green, that impressed the crowd with after they were reduced to mere specks.he opinion that he was an oracle. in the air, that he could still distinguish "Ah, you're very right, sir," said an- the white hat of Mr. Green. The garother gentleman, with his wife, and chil- dens disgorged their multitudes, boys ran dren, and mother, and wife's sister, and a up and down screaming " bal-loon!" and host of female friends, in all the gentility in all the crowded thoroughfares people of white pocket handkerchiefs, frills, and rushed out of their shops into the middle spencers, "Mr. Green is a steady hand, of the road, and having stared up in the sir, and there's no fear about him." air at two little black objects till they al" Fear!" said the little man: "isn't it most dislocated their necks, walked slow a lovely thing to see him and his wife a ly in again, perfectly satisfied. SCENES. 77 The next day there was a grand ac- have booked him for an inside place in a count of the ascent in the morning pa- small coach, which travelled day and pers, and the public were informed how night: and securing the remainder of the it was the finest day but four in Mr. places for stout men with a slight tenGreen's remembrance; how they retain- dency to coughing and spitting, we would ed sight of the earth till they lost it be- have started him forth on his last travels: nind the clouds; and how the reflection leaving him mercilessly to all the tor of the balloon on the undulating masses tures which the waiters, landlords, coachof vapour was gorgeously picturesque; men, guards, boots, chambermaids, and together with a little science about the other familiars on his line of road, might refraction of the sun's rays, and some think proper to inflict. mysterious hints respecting atmospheric Who has not experienced the miseries heat and eddying currents of air. inevitably consequent upon a summons to'here was also an interesting account undertake a hasty journey You rehow a man in a boat was distinctly heard ceive an intimation from your place of by Mr. Green, jun., to exclaim, "M y business-wherever that may be, or whateye!" which Mr. Green, jun., attributed ever you may be-that it will be necesto his voice rising to the balloon, and the sary to leave town without delay. You sound being thrown back from its surface and your family are forthwith thrown into into the car; and the whole concluded a state of tremendous excitement; an exwith a slight allusion to another ascent press is immediately despatched to the next Wednesday, all of which was very washerwoman's; every body is in a businstructive and very amusing, as our tie; and you, yourself; with a feeling of readers will see if they look to the pa- dignity which you cannot altogether conpers. If we have forgotten to mention ceal, sally forth to the booking-office to the date, they have only to wait till next secure your place. Here a painful consummer, and take the account of the first sciousness of your own unimportance first ascent, and it will answer the purpose rushes on your mind -the people are as equally well. cool and collected as if nobody were going out of town, or as if a journey of a hundred odd miles were a mere nothing. You enter a mouldy-looking room, ornamented with large posting-bills: the greater part of the place enclosed behind CHAPTER XV. a huge lumbering rough counter, and fitted up with recesses that look like the EARLY COACHES. dens of the smaller animals in a travelling menagerie, without the bars. Some CWE have often wondered how many half-dozen people are "booking" brown. months' incessant travelling in a post- paper parcels, which one of the clerks chaise, it would take to kill a man; and flings into the aforesaid recesses with an vondering by analogy, we should very air of recklessness which you, remembermuch like to know how many months of ing the new carpet-bagyou bought in the constant travelling in a succession of morning, feel considerably annoyed at; early coaches, an unfortunate mortal porters, looking like so many Atlases, could endure. Breaking a man alive keep rusling in and out, with large packupon the wheel, would be nothing to ages on their shoulders; and while you breaking his rest, his peace, his heart- are waiting to make the necessary inevery thing but his fast-upon four; and quiries, you wonder what on earth the the punishment of Ixion (the only practi- booking-office clerks can have been becal person, by the by, who has discovered fore they were booking-office clerks; one the secret of the perpetual motion) would of them with his pen behind his ear, and sink into utter insignificance before the his hands behind him, is standing in front one we have suggested. If we had been of the fire, like a full-length portrait of a powerful churchman in those good Napoleon; the other with his hat half times when blood was shed as freely as off his head, enters the passengers' names water and men were mowed down like in the books with a coolness which is ingrass, in the sacred cause of religion, we expressibly provoking; and the villain would have lain by very quietly till we whistles-actually whistles-while a man got hold of some especially obstinate mis- asks him what the fare is outside, all the creant, who positively refused to be con- way to Holyhead!-in frosty weather too! verted to our faith, and then we would They are clearly an isolated "ace, evi7* 8 SKETCHES BY BOZ. dently possessing no sympathies or feel- and start up in bed. The vision is at ings in common with the rest of man- once dispelled; the trunk-maker's shop kind. Your turn comes at last, and hav- is your own bedroom, and the other aping paid the fare, you tremblingly inquire prentice your shivering servant, who has -" What time will it be necessary for been vainly endeavouring to wake you me to be here in the morning " —" Six for the last quarter of an hour, at the imo'clock," replies the whistler, carelessly minent risk of breaking either his own pitching the sovereign you have just knuckles, or the panels of the door. parted with, into a wooden bowl on the You proceed to dress yourself, with all desk. "Rather before than arter," adds possible despatch. The flaring flat canthe man with the semi-roasted unmen- die with the long snuff, gives light tionables, with just as much ease and enough to show that the things you want, complacency as if the whole world got are not where they ought to be, and you out of bed at five. You turn into the undergo a trifling delay in consequence street, ruminating as you bend your steps of having carefully packed up one of your homewards on the extent to which men boots in your over anxiety of the prebecome hardened in cruelty, by custom. ceding night. You soon complete your If there be one thing in existence more toilet, however, for you are not particular miserable than another, it most unques- on such an occasion, and you shaved yestionably is the being compelled to rise by terday evening; so mounting your Petercandle-light. If you ever doubted the sham great-coat, and green, travellingfact, you are painfully convinced of your shawl, and grasping your carpet-bag in error, on the morning of your departure. your right hand, you walk lightly down You left strict orders, overnight, to be stairs, lest you should awaken any of the called at half-past four, and you have family, and after pausing in the common done nothing all night but doze for five sitting-room for one moment, just to have minutes at a time, and start up suddenly a cup of coffee (the said common sittingfrom a terrific dream of a large church- room looking remarkably comfortable, clock with the small hand running round, with every thing out of its place, and with astonishing rapidity, to every figure strewed with the crums of last night's on the dial-plate. At last, completely supper,) you undo the chain and bolts of exhausted, you fall gradually into a re- the street-door, and find yourself fairly in freshing sleep-your thoughts grow con- the street. fused-the stage-coaches, which have A thaw, by all that is miserable! The been "going off" before your eyes all frost is completely broken up. You look night, become less and less distinct, until down the long perspective of Oxfordthey go off altogether; one moment you street, the gas-lights mournfully reflected are driving with all the skill and smart- on the wet pavement, and can discern no ness of an experienced whip -the next speck in the road to encourage the belief you are exhibiting, d la Ducrow, on the that there is a cab or a coach to be had off-leader; anon: you are closely muffled -the very coachman have gone home in ulp, inside, and have just recognised in despair. The cold sleet is drizzling down lhe person of the guard an old schoolfel- with that gentle regularity, which below, whose funeral, even in your dream, tokens a duration of four-and-twenty you remember to have attended eighteen hours at least; the damp hangs upon the years ago. At last you fall into a state house-tops, and lamp-posts, and clings to of complete oblivion, fiom which you are you like an invisible cloak. The water aroused, as if into a new state of exis- is " coming in" in every area, the pipes tence, by a singular illusion. You are have burst, the water-butts are running apprenticed to a trunk:maker; how, or over; the kennels seem to be doing why, or when, or wherefore, you don't matches against time, pump-handles detake the trouble to inquire; but there you scend of their own accord, horses in marare, pasting the lining in the lid of a ket-carts fall down, and there's no one portmanteau. Confound that other ap- to help them up again, policemen look as prentice in the back shop, how he is ham- if they had been carefully sprinkled with inering!-rap, rap, rap-what an indus- powdered glass; here and there a milktrious fellow he must be! you have heard woman trudges slowly along, with a bit him at work for half an hour past, and he of list round each foot to keep her fromn has been hammering incessantly the slipping; boys who "don't sleep in the whole time. Rap, rap, rap, again-he's house," and are not allowed much sleep walking now-what's that he said Five out of it, can't wake their masters by o'clock! You make a violent exertion, thundering at the shop-door, and cry with OM NIB USES. 79 the cold-the compound of ice, snow, and " Curious case o' breach o' promise, lawater on the pavement, is a couple of dies." The inside passengers are already inches thick-nobody ventures to walk in their dens, and the outsides with the fast to keep himself warm, and nobody exception of yourself, are pacing up and could succeed in keeping himself warm down the pavement to keep themselves if he did..warm; they consist of two young men It strikes a quarter past five as you with very long hair, to which the sleet trudge down Waterloo-place on your way has communicated the appearance of to the Golden-cross, and you discover, for crystallized rats' tails; one thin young the first time, that you were called about woman cold and peevish, one old gentlean hour too early. You have not time to man ditto ditto, and something in a cloak go back; there is no place open to go and cap, intended to represent a military into, and you have, therefore, no resource officer; every member of the party, with but to go forward, which you do, feeling a large stiff shawl over his chin, looking remarkably satisfied with yourself, and exactly as if he were playing a set of every thing about you. You arrive at Pan's pipes. the office, and look wistfully up the yard " Take off the cloths, Bob," says the for the Birmingham High-flier, which, for coachman, who now appears for the first aught you can see, may have flown away time, in a rough blue great-coat, of which altogether, for no preparations appear to the buttons behind are so far apart, that be on foot for the departure of any vehicle you can't see them both at the same time. in the shape of a coach. You wander " Now, gen'lm'n," cries the guard, with into the booking-office, which with the the way-bill in his hand. " Five minutes gas-lights and blazing fire, looks quite behind time already!" Up jump the pascomfortable by contrast —that is to say, sengers —the two young men smoking if any place can look comfortable at half- like lime-kilns, and the old gentleman past five on a winter's morning. There grumbling audibly. The thin young wostands the identical book-keeper in the man is got upon the roof, by dint of a same position as if he had not moved great deal of pulling, and pushing, and since you saw him yesterday. As he in- helping and trouble, and she repays it by forms you, that the coach is up the yard, expressing her solemn conviction that and will be brought round in about a she will never be able to get down again. quarter of an hour, you leave your bag, "All right," sings out the guard at and repair to " The Tap"-not with any last, jumping up as the coach starts, and absurd idea of warming yourself, because blowing his horn directly afterwards, in you feel such a result to be utterly hope- proof of the soundness of his wind. " Let less, but for the purpose of procuring'em go, Harry, give'em their heads," some hot brandy-and-water, which you cries the coachman-and off we start as do,-when the kettle boils! an event briskly as if the norning were "all which occurs exactly two minutes and a right," as well as the coach: and looking half before the time fixed for the starting forward as anxiously to the termination of the coach. of our journey, as we fear our readers The first stroke of six, peals from St. will have done, long since, to the conclu Martin's church steeple, just as you take sion of our paper. the first sip of the boiling liquid. You find yourself at the booking-office in two seconds, and the tap-waiter finds himself much comforted by your brandy-and-water, in about the same period. The coach CHAPTER XVI. is out; the horses are in, and the guard and two or three porters, are stowing the OMNIBUSES. luggage away, and running up the steps of the booking-office, and down the steps IT is very generally allowed that pubof the booking-office, with breathless ra- lic conveyances afford an extensive field pidity. The place, which a few minutes for amusement and observation. Of all ago was so still and quiet, is now all the public conveyances that have been bustle; the early venders of the morning constructed since the days of the Ark — papers have arrived, and you are assailed we think that is the earliest on record — on all sides with shouts of " Times, to the present time, commend us to an gen'lm'n, Times," "Here's Chron — omnibus. A long stage is not to be desChron - Chron," "Herald, ma'am," pised, but there you have only six insides, "Highly interesting murder, gen'lm'n," and the chances are, that the same people 80 SKETCHES BY BOZ. go all the way with you - there is no ture reflection, and considerable experichange, no variety. Besides, after the ence, we are decidedly of opinion, that first twelve hours or so, people get cross of all known vehicles, from the glassand sleepy, and when you have seen a coach in which we were taken to be man in his nightcap, you lose all respect christened, to that sombre caravan in for hlim; at least, that is the case with which we must one day make our last us. Then on smooth roads people fre- earthly journey, there is nothing like an quently get prosy, and tell long stories, omnibus. and even those who do n't talk, may have We will back the machine in which very unpleasant predilections. We once we make our daily peregrination from travelled four hundred miles, inside a the top of Oxford-street to the city, stage-coach, with a stout man, who had a against any " buss" on the road, whether glass of rum-and-water, warm, handed in it be for the gaudiness of its exterior, the at the window at every place where we perfect simplicity of its interior, or the changed horses. This was decidedly un- native coolness of its cad. This young pleasant. We have also travelled occa- gentleman is a singular instance of selfl sionally, with a small boy of a pale as- devotion; his somewhat intemperate zeal pect, with light hair, and no perceptible on behalf of his employers, is constantly neck, coming up to town from school un- getting him into trouble, and occasionally der the protection of the guard, and di- into the house of correction. Hle is no rected to be left at the Cross Keys till sooner emancipated, however, than he called for. This is, perhaps, even worse resumes the duties of his profession with than rum-and-water in a close atmo- unabated ardour. Htis principal distincsphere. Then there is the whole train tion is his activity. His great boast is, of evils consequent on a change of the " that he can chuck an old gen'lm'n into coachman; and the misery of the disco- the buss, shut him in, and rattle off, afore very-which the guard is sure to make he knows where it's a-going to"-a feat the moment you begin to doze-that he which he frequently performs, to the inwants a brown-paper parcel, which he finite amusement of every one but the distinctly remembers to have deposited old gentleman concerned, who, somehow under the seat on which you are repos- or other, never can see the joke of the ing. A great deal of bustle and groping thing. takes place, and when you are thoroughly We are not aware that it has ever awakened, and severely cramped, by been precisely ascertained, how many holding your legs up by an almost super- passengers our omnibus will contain. natural exertion, while he is looking be- The impression on the cad's mind, evihind them, it suddenly occurs to him that dently is, that it is amply sufficient for he put it in the fore-boot. Bang goes the the accommodation of any number of door, the parcel is immediately found: persons that can be enticed into it. off starts the coach again, and the guard "Any room " cries a very hot pedesplays the key-bugle as loud as he can trian. "Plenty o' room, sir," replies the play it, as if in mockery of your wretch- conductor, gradually opening the door, edness. and not disclosing the real state of the Now you meet with none of these af- case, till the wretched man is on the fictions in an omnibus; sameness there steps. "'Where " inquires the entrapped can never be. The passengers change as individual, with an attempt to back out often in the course of one journey as the again. " Either side, sir," rejoins the figures in a kaleidoscope, and though not cad, shoving him in, and slamming the so glittering,. are far more amusing. We door. "All right, Bill." Retreat is imbelieve there is no instance upon record, possible; the new-comer rolls about, till of a man's having gone to sleep in one he falls down somewhere, and there he of these vehicles. As to long stories, stops. would any man venture to tell a long As we get into the city a little before story in an omnibus? and even if he did, ten, four or five of our party are regular where would be the harm? nobody could passengers. We always take them up possibly hear what he was talking about. at the same places, and they generally Again; children, though occasionally, occupy the same seats; they are always are not often to be found in an omnibus; dressed in the same manner, and invari-.nd even when they are, if the vehicle ably discuss the same topics the inl'e full, as is generally the case, some- creasing rapidity of cabs, and the disre-,ody sits upon them, and we are uncon- gard of moral obligations evinced by srious of their presence. Yes, after ma- omnibus men. There is a little testy old THE LAST CAB-DRIVER, 81 man, with a powdered head, who always has been spirited away by the opposition. sits on the right-hand side of the door as Hereupon the driver of the oppositiot you enter, with his hands folded on the taunts our people with his having "regutop of his umbrella. He is xtrenely larly done'em out of that old swell," and impatient, and sits there for the purpose the voice of the "old swell" is heard of keeping a sharp eye on the cad, with vainly protesting2 against this unlawful whom he generally holds a running'dia- detention. We rattle off, the other omlogue., He is very officious in helping nibus rattles after us, and every time we people in and out, and always volunteers stop to taike up a passenger, they stop to to give the cad a poke with his umbrella, take him too; sometimes we get him; when any one wants to alight. He usu- sometimes they get him; but whoever ally recommends ladies to have sixpence don't get him, say they ought to have ready to prevent delay; and if any body had him, and the cads of the respective puts a window down, that he can reach, vehicles abuse one another accordingly. he immediately puts it up again. As we arrive in the vicinity of Lin"Now, what are you stopping forl" coln's-inn-fields, Bedford-row, and other says the little old man every morning, legal haunts, we drop a great many of the moment there is the slightest indica- our original passengers, and take up flesh tion of " pulling up" at the corner of Re- ones, who meet with a very sulky recepgent-street, when some such dialogue as tion. It is rather remarkable, that the the following takes place between him people already in an ornibus, always and the cad: look at new-comers, as if they entertain"What are you stopping for " ed some undefined idea. that they have no Here the cad whistles, and affects not business to come in at all. We are quite to hear the question. persuaded the little old man has some "I say [a poke], what are you stopping notion of this kind, and that he considers for V" their entry as a sort of negative imperti" For passengers, sir. Ba-nk.-Ty." nence. "I know you're stopping for passen- Conversation is now entirely dropped; gers; but you've no business to do so. each person gazes vacantly through the AWhy are you stopping l" window in front of him, and every body "Vy, sir, that's a difficult question. I thinks that his opposite neighbour is think it is because we prefer stopping staring at him. If one man gets out at nere to goingl on." Shoe-lane, and another at the corner of "Now mind," exclaims the little old Farringdon-street, the little old gentleman, with great vehemence, "I'll pull man grumbles, and suggests to the latter, you up to-morrow; I've often threatened that if he had got out at Shoe-lane too, to do it; now I will." he would have saved them the delay of "Thankee, sir," replies the cad, touch- another stoppage; whereupon the young inig his hat with a mock expression of men laugh again, and the old gentleman gratitude;-'" werry much obliged to you looks very solemn, and says nothing more indeed, sir." Here the young men in the till he gets to the Bank, when he trots omnibus laugh very heartily, and the old off as fast as he can, leaving us to do the gentleman gets very red in the face, and same, and to wish, as we walk away, that seems highly exasperated. we could impart LO others any portion of The stout gentleman in the white the amusement we have gained for ourneckcloth, at the other end of the vehicle, selves. looks very prophetic, and says that something must shortly be done with these fellows, or there's no saying where all this will end; and the shabby-genteel CHAPTER XVII. man with the green bai, expresses his entire concurrence in the opinion, as he rHE LAST CAB-DRIVER, AND THE FIRST has done regularly every morning for the OMNIBUS CAD. last six months. A second omnibus now comes up, and OF all the cabriolet-drivers whom we stops immediately behind us. Another ever had the honour and gratification of old gentleman elevates his cane in the knowing by sight-and our acquaintance air, and runs with all his might towards in this way has been most extensive — our omnibus; we watch his progress with there is one who made an impression on great interest: the door is opened to re- our mind which can never be effaced, reive him, he suddenly disappears-he and who awakened in our bosom a fel.] L 8f2 SKETCHES BY BOZ ing of admiration and respect, which we first step; turn your body lightly round entertain a presentiment will never be to the right, and you are on the second; called forth again by any human being. bend gracefully beneath the reins, workHe was a man of most simple and pre- ing roud to the left at the same time, possessing appearance. He was a brown- and you are in the cab. There is no diffiwhiskered, white-hatted no-coated cab- culty in finding a seat: the apron knocks man; his nose was generally red, and you comfortably into it at once, and off his bright blue eye not unfrequently you go. stood out in bold relief against a black The getting out of a cab, is, perhaps, border of artificial workmanship; his rather more complicated in its theory, boots were of the Wellington form, pull- and a shade more difficult in its execued up to meet his corduroy knee smalls, tion. We have studied the subject a or at least to approach as near them as great deal, and we think the best way is, their dimensions would admit of; and his to throw yourself out, and trust to chance neck was usually garnished with a bright for alighting on your feet. If you make yellow handkerchief. In summer he car- the driver alight first, and then throw ried in his mouth a flower; in winter, a yourself upon him, you will find that he straw- slight, but to a contemplative breaks your fall materially. In the event mind, certain indications of a love of na- of your contemplating an offer of eightture, and a taste for botany. pence, on no account make. the tender, or His cabriolet was gorgeously painted- show the money, until you are safely on a bright red; and wherever we went, the pavement. It is very bad policy atCity or West End, Paddington or Hallo- tempting to save the fourpence. You way, North, East, West, or South, there are very much in the power of a cabman, was the red cab, bumping up against the and he considers it a kind of fee not to posts at the street corners, and turning do you any wilful damage. Any inin and out, among hackney-coaches, and struction, however, in the art of getting drays, and carts, and wagons, and omni- out of a cab, is wholly unnecessary if buses, and contriving by some strange you are going any distance, because the means or other, to get out of places probability is, that you will be shot which no other vehicle but the red cab lightly out before you have completed could ever by any possibility have con- the third mile. trived to get into at all. Our fondness We are not aware of any instance on for that red cab was unbounded. How record in which a cab-horse has performwe should have liked to see it in the ed three consecutive miles without going circle at Astley's! Our life upon it, that down once. What of that! It is all exit should have performed such evolutions citement. And in these days of derangeas would have put the whole company to ment of the nervous system and univershame-Indian chiefs, knights, Swiss sal lassitude, people are content to pay peasants, and all. handsomely for excitement; where can Some people object to the exertion of it be procured at a cheaper rate 3 getting into cabs, and others object to the But to return to the cab; it was omnnidifficulty of getting out of them; we present. You had but to walk down Holthink both these are objections which born, or Fleet-street, or any of the printake their rise in perverse and ill-condi- cipal thoroughfares in which there is a tioned minds. The getting into a cab is great deal of traffic, and judge for you, a very pretty and graceful process, which, self. You had hardly turned into the when well performeil, is essentially melo- street, when you saw a trunk or two, dramatic. First, there is the expressive lying on the ground: an uprooted post, pantomime of every one of the eighteen a hat-box, a portmanteau, and a carpetcabmen on the stand, the moment you bag, strewed about in a very picturesque ilase your eyes from the ground. Then manner: a horse in a cab standing by, there is your own pantomime in reply- looking about him with great unconcern quite a little ballet. Four cabs irnmedi- and a crowd, shouting and screaming ately leave the stand, for your especial with delight, cooling their flushed faces accommodation; and the evolutions of against the glass windows of a chemist's the animals who draw them, are beautiful shop. -"What's the matter here, can in the extreme, as they grate the wheels you tell me " -- O'ny a cab, sir."of the cabs against the curb-stones, and "Any body hurt, do you know."-" O'ny pport playfully in the kennel. You single the fare, sir. I see him a turnin' the,,)t a particular cab, and dart swiftly to- corner, and I ses to another gen'lm'n, wards it. One bound, and you are on the' that's a reg'lar little oss, that, and he's '7/2/7/2~ //f/~"W//' / / 7 7/ /y /. It''.I I-11 It I- F 7//Il! ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~III 10 Vd aspiring~ charioteer, mounting the box, "Tickets, ladies and gen'lm'n," said "lickets, ladies and and inducing an old grey horse to indulge the man on the paddle-box. he man on te paddle-boxn some imperfect reminiscences of a canWant a porter, sir?' inquired a dozen ter. "Look at him, sir! — temper of a men in smock-frocks. lamb and haction of a steam-ingein." "Now, my dear!" said Captain Wa- Resisting even the temptation of secuters. ring the services of so valuable a quadru" Good by'e!" said Mrs. Captain Wa- ped as the last named, Mr. Joseph Tuggs ters —"good by'e, Mr. Cymon!" and beckoned to the proprietor of a dingy with a pressure of the hand that threw conveyance of a greenish hue, lined with the amiable young man's nerves into a faded striped calico; and the luggage state of considerable derangement, Mrs. and the family having been deposited Captain Waters disappeared among the therein, the animal in the shafts, after crowd. A pair of puce-coloured boots describing circles in the road for a quarwere seen ascending the steps, a white ter of an hour, at last consented to depart handkerchief fluttered, a black eye in quest of lodgings. gleamed. The Waters's were gone, and I-low many beds have you got " Mr. Cymon Tuggs was alone in a heart- screamed Mrs. Tuggs out of the fly, to less world. the woman who opened the door of the Silently and abstractedly did that too first house which displayed a bill intimasensitive youth follow his revered parents ting that apartments were to let within. and a train of smock-frocks and wheel-'"How many did you want, ma'am " barrows, along the pier, until the bustle was of course the reply. of the scene around, recalled him to him- "Three." self. The sun was shining brightly; the "Will you step in, ma'am " Down sea, dancing to its own music, rolled mer- got Mrs. Tuggs. The family were derily in; crowds of people promenaded to lighted. Splendid view of the sea from and fro, young ladies tittered, old ladies the front windows-charming! A short talked, nursemaids displayed their charms pause. Back came Mrs. Tuggs again.to the greatest possible advantage, and One parlour, and a mattress. their sweet little charges ran up and " Why the devil didn't they say so at down, and to and fro, and in and out, first " inquired Mr. Joseph Tuggs, rather under the feet, and between the legs of pettishly. the assembled concourse, in the most " Don't know," said Mrs. Tuggs. playful and exhilarating manner possible. "Wretches!" exclaimed the nervous There were old gentlemen trying to make Cymon. Another bill-another stoppage. out objects through long telescopes, and Same question —same answer-similar young ones making objects of themselves result. in open shirt-collars; ladies carrying "What do they mean by this?" in about portable chairs, and portable chairs quired Mr. Joseph Tuggs, thoroughly out carrying about invalids; parties waiting of temper. on the pier for parties who had come by "Don't know," said the placid Mrs tie steamboat; and nothing was to be Tuggs. THE TUGGS'S AT RAMSGATE. 183 " Orvis the vay here, sir," said the Mr. Cymon, with a shudder. " How dif driver, by way of accounting for the cir- ferent," he thought, "from the Dowager cumstance in a satisfactory manner; and Duchess of Dobbleton!" off they went again, to make fresh inqui- "Very pretty woman, Mrs. Captain ries, and encounter fresh disappointments. Waters, is she not, Cymon l" inquired It had grown dark when the " fly"- Miss Charlotta. the rate of whose progress greatly belied A glow of nervous excitement passed' its name-after climbing up four or five over the countenance of Mr. Cymon perpendicular hills, stopped before the Tuggs, as he replied, "An angel of door of a dusty house, with a bay window, beauty!" from which you could obtain a beautiful "Hallo!" said Mr. Joseph Tuggs, glimpse of the sea —if you thrust half " Hallo, Cymon, my boy, take care — your body out of it, at the imminent peril married lady you know;" and he winked of falling into the area. Mrs. Tuggs one of his twinkling eyes knowingly. alighted. One ground-floor sitting-room, " Why," exclaimed Cymon, starting end three cells with beds in them up up with an ebullition of fury, as unexstairs-a double house-family on the op- pected as alarming. " Why am I to be posite side - five children milk-and-wa- reminded of that blight of my happiness, tering in the parlour, and one little boy, and ruin of my hopes? Why am I to be expelled for bad behaviour, screaming on taunted with the miseries which are his back in the passage. heaped upon my head? Is it not enough " What's the terms?" said Mrs. Tuggs. to-to —to" and the orator paused; but The mistress of the house was deliberating whether for want of words, or lack of on the expediency of putting on an extra breath, was never distinctly ascertained. guinea; so she coughed slightly, and af- There was an impressive solemnity in fected not to hear the question. the tone of this address, and in the air "What's the terms'" said Mrs. Tuggs, with which the romantic Cymon, at its in a louder key. conclusion, rang the bell, and demanded "Five guineas a week, ma'am, with a flat candlestick, which effectually forattendance,' replied the lodging-house bade a reply. He stalked dramatically keeper. (Attendance means the privi- to bed, and the Tuggs's went to bed too, lege of ringing the bell as often as, you half an hour afterwards, in a state of conlike, for your own amusement.) siderable mystification and perplexity. "Rather dear," said Mrs. Tuggs. If the pier had presented a scene of life "Oh dear, no, ma'am," replied the and bustle to the Tuggs's on their first mistress of the house, with a benign smile landing at Ramsgate, it was far surpassed of pity at the ignorance of manners and by the appearance of the sands on the customs, which the observation betrayed. morning after their arrival. It was a "Very cheap." fine, bright, clear day, with a light breeze Such an authority was indisputable. from the sea. There were the same laMrs. Tuggs paid a week's rent in ad- dies and gentlemen, the same children, vance, and took the lodgings for a month. the same nursemaids, the same telescopes, In an hour's time the family were seated the same portable chairs; the ladies were at tea in their new abode. employed in needle-work, or watch-guard "Capital srimps!" said Mr. Joseph making, or knitting, or reading novels; Tuggs. the gentlemen were reading newspapers Mr. Cymon eyed his father with a and magazines, the children were digging rebellious scowl, as he emphatically said holes in the sand with wooden spades, "Shrimps." and collecting water therein: the nurse"Well then, shrimps," said Mr. Joseph maids with their youngest charges in Tuggs. " Srimpsor shrimps, don't much their arms, were running in after the matter." waves, and then running back with the There was pity, blended with malig- waves after them; and now and then a nity, in Mr. Cymon's eye, as he replied, little sailing-boat either departed with a "Don't matter, father! What would gay and talkative cargo of passengers, or Captain Waters say, if he heard such returned with a very silent, and particu vulgarity?" larly uncomfortable-looking one. " Or what would dear Mrs. Captain "Well, I never!" exclaimed Mrs. Waters say," added Charlotta, "if she Tuggs, as she and Mr. Joseph Tuggs. saw mother-ma, I mean-eating them and Miss Charlotta Tuggs, and Mr. Cywhole, heads and all?" mon Tuggs, with their.cight feet in a "It won't bear thinking of!" ejaculated corresponding number of yellow sh.v,, 184 SKETCHES BY BO^. seated themselves on four rush-bottomed who, in her bathing costume, looked as chairs, which, being placed in a soft part if she was enveloped in a patent Mackinof the sand, forthwith sunk down some tosh, of scanty dimensions. two feet and a half. — Well, I never!" "So it is, I declare!" exclaimed Mrs. Mr. Cyrnon, by an exertion of great Captain Waters.- "How very curious personal strength, uprooted the chairs, we should see them both!" and removed them further back. "Very," said the captain, with perfect "Why, I'm bless'd if there ain't some coolness. ladies a-going in!" exclaimed Mr. Joseph "It's the reg'lar thing here, you see," Tuggs, with intense astonishment. whispered Mr. Cymon Tuggs to his father. "Lor, pa!" exclaimed Miss Charlotta. "I see it is," whispered Mr. Joseph "There is, my dear," said Mr. Joseph Tuggs in reply. Queer though-ain't Tuggs. And, sure enough, four young it!" Mr. Cymon Tuggs nodded assent. ladies, each furnished with a towel, trip- "What do you think of doing with ped up the steps of a bathing-machine; yourself this morning " inquired the capin went the horse, floundering about in tain.-" Shall we lunch at Pegwell?" the water: round turned the machine, "I should like that very much indeed," down sat the driver, and presently out interposed Mrs. Tuggs. She had never burst the young ladies aforesaid, with heard of Pegwell before; but the word four distinct splashes. "lunch" had reached her ears, and it " Well, that's sing'ler, too!" ejaculated sounded very agreeably. Mr. Joseph Tuggs, after an awkward "How shall we go?" inquired the pause. Mr. Cymon coughed slightly. captain; " it's too warm to walk." "Why, here's some gentlemen a-going "A chayl" suggested Mr. Joseph in on this side," exclaimed Mrs. Tuggs, Tuggs. in a tone of horror. " Chaise," whispered Mr. Cymon. Three machines-three horses-three "I should think one would be enough," flounderings three turnings round - said Mr. Joseph Tuggs aloud, quite unthree splashes, three gentlemen, disport- conscions of the meaning of the correcing themselves in the water like so many tion. "However, two chays if you like." dolphins. "I should like a donkey so much," said "Well, that's sing'ler!" said Mr. Jo- Belinda. seph Tuggs again. Miss Charlotta "Oh, so should I!" echoed Charlotte coughed this time, and another pause en- Tuggs. sued. It was agreeably broken. "Well, we can have a fly," suggested "How d'ye do, dear l We have been the captain, " and you can have a couple looking for you all the morning," said a of donkeys." voice to Miss Charlotta Tuggs. Mrs. A fresh difficulty arose. Mrs. Captain Captain Waters was the owner of it. Waters declared it would be decidedly "How d'ye do " said Captain Walter improper for two ladies to ride alone. Waters, all suavity; and a most cordial The remedy was obvious. Perhaps young interchange of greetings ensued. Mr. Tuggs would be gallant enough to "Belinda, my love," said Captain Wal- accompany them. ter Waters, applying his glass to his eye, Mr. Cymon Tuggs blushed, smiled, and looking in the direction of the sea. looked vacant, and faintly protested he " Yes, my dear," replied Mrs. Captain was no horseman. The objection was at Waters. once overruled. A fly was speedily found;'"There's Harry Thompson." and three donkeys-which the proprietor "Where?" said Belinda, applying her declared on his solemn asseveration to be glass to her eye. "three parts blood, and the other corn""Bathing." were engaged in the service. "Lor, so it is! He don't see us, does "Kim up" shouted one of the two lhe " boys who followed behind to propel the "No, I don't think he does," replied donkeys, when Belinda Waters and Char. the captain.-" Bless my soul, how very lotta Tuggs had been hoisted and pushed singular!" and pulled into their respective saddles.' What " inquired Belinda. "Hi-hi-hi!" groaned the other boy " There's Mary Golding, too." behind Mr. Cymon Tuggs. Away went "Lor!-where V" (Up went the glass the donkey, with the stirrups jingling again.) against the heels of Cymon's boots, and "There!" said the captain, pointing Cymon's boots nearly scraping the ground. n one of the young ladies before noticed, "Way - way! Wo- o - o-o-!" THE TUGGS'S AT RAMSGATE. 185 cried Mr. Cymon Tunigs as well as he animal she was riding to fall a little back. could, in the midst of the jolting. Cymon Tuggs instinctively did the same. "Don't make it gallop!' screamed There was a brief silence, broken only Mrs. Captain Waters, behind. by a sigh from Mr. Cymon Tuggs. "My donkey will go into the public- "Mr. Cymon," said the lady suddenly, house!" shrieked Miss Tuggs, in the in a low tone, "Mr. Cymon —I am anrear. other's." " Hi-hi-hi!" groaned both the boys Mr. Cymon expressed his perfect contogether; and on went the donkeys as if currence in a statement which it was nothing would ever stop them. quite impossible to controvert. Every thing has an end, however; and "If I had not been," resumed Belinda; even the galloping of donkeys will cease and there she stopped. in time. The animal which Mr. Cymon "What-what'l" said Mr. Cymon Tugogs bestrode, feeling sundry uncom- earnestly. "Do not torture me. What fortable tugs at the bit, the intent of would you say'" which he could by no means divine, ab- "If I had been" —continued Mrs. Capruptly sidledagainsta brick wall, and ex- tain Waters-" If in earlier life, it had pressed his uneasiness by grinding Mr. been my fate to have known, and been Cymon Tuggs's leg on the rough surface. beloved by a noble youth-a kindred soul Mis. Captain Waters's donkey, apparently -a congenial spirit-one capable of feelunder the influence of some playfulness ing and appreciating the sentiments. of spirit, rushed suddenly, head first, into whicha hedge, and declined to come out again: " Heavens! whatdo I hear?" exclaimed and the quadruped on which Miss Tuggs Mr. Cymon Tuggs. "Is it possible' can was mounted expressed his delight at I believe my-Come up!" (This last this humorous proceeding by firmly plant- unsentimental parenthesis was addressed ing his fore-feet against the ground, and to the donkey, who with his head between kicking up his hind-legs in a very agile, his fore-legs, appeared to be examining but somewhat alarming manner. the state of his shoes with great anxiety.) This abrupt termination to the rapidity "Hi-hi-hi," sai the boys behind. of the ride naturally occasioned some Come up," expostulated Cymon Tuggs confusion. Both the ladies indulged in again. "Hi-hi-hi," repeated theboys: vehement screaming for several minutes; and whether it was that the animal flt and Mr. Cymon Tuggs, besides sustain- indignant at the tone of Mr. Tuggss ing intense bodily pain, had the additional command, or alarmed by the noise of the mental anguish of witnessing their dis- y proprietor's boots running behind tressing situation, without the power to him, or whether he burned with a noble rescue them, by reason of his leg being emulation to outstrip the other donkeys, firmly screwed in between the animal and certain it is that he no sooner heard the the wall. The efforts of the boys, how- second series of "hi-hi's," than he ever, assisted by the ingenious expedient started away with a celeity ofpace which of twisting the tail of the most rebellious ked Mr. ymon hat off instantanedonkey, restored order in a much shorter, d carried hi to the Pegwell time than could have reasonably been Bay hotel in no time, where he deposited expected, and the little party jogged his rider without iving him the trouble slowly on together of dismounting, by sagaciously pitching slowly on together., him over his head, into the very door of "Now let'em walk," said Mr. Cymon the tavern. Tuggs. "It's cruel to over-drive'em." Greatwas the confusion of Mr. Cymon " Werry well, sir," replied the boy, Tuggs, when he was put right end upwith a grin at his companion, as if he permost by two waiters; considerable understood Mr. Cymon to mean that the was the alarm of Mrs. Tuggs in behalf cruelty applied less to the animals than of her son; and, agonizing were the apto their riders. prehensions of Mrs. Captain Waters on "What a lovely day, dear!" said Char- his account. It was speedily discovered, lotta. however, that he had not sustained much "Charming; enchanting, dear!" re- more injury than the donkey-he was sponded Mrs. Captain Waters. "What grazed, and the animal wasgrazing-and a beautiful prospect, Mr. Tuggs I" then it was a'delightful party to be sure Gymon looked full in Belinda's face, as Mr. and Mrs. Tuggs, and the captain. lie responded-"Beautiful, indeed!" The had ordered lunch in the little garden lady cast down her eyes, and suffered the behind:-small saucers of large shrimps, 16 Y 186 SKETCHES BY BOZ. dabs of butter, crusty loaves, and bottled in whispers, and others doing the feroale. The sky was without a cloud; there cious in mustaches. There were Mrs. were flower pots and turf before them; Tuggs in amber, Miss Tuggs in sky-blue, the sea at the foot of the cliff, stretching and Mrs. Captain Waters in pink. There away as far as the eye could discern any was Captain Waters in a braided surtout; thing at all: and vessels in the distance there was Mr. Cymon Tuggs in pumps with sails as white, and as small, as nice- and a gilt waistcoat; and, moreover, there ]y-got-up cambric handkerchiefs. The was Mr. Joseph Tuggs in a blue coat, shrimps were delightful, the ale better, and a shirt-frill. and the captain even more pleasant than "Number three, eight, and eleven," either. Mrs. Captain Waters was in cried one of the young ladies in the masuch spirits after lunch-chasing, first roon-coloured gowns. the captain across the turf,.and among "Number three, eight, and eleven," the flower-pots, and then Mr. Cymnon echoed another young lady in the same Tug-gs, and then Miss Tuggs, and laugh- uniform. ing too, quite boisterously. But as the "Number three's gone," said the first captain said, it didn't matter; who knew young lady. " Number eight and eleven." what they were, there For all the "Number eight and eleven," echoed people of the house knew, they might be the second young lady. common people. To which Mr. Joseph "Number eight's gone, Mary Ann," Tuggs responded, " To be sure;" and said the first young lady. then they went down the steep wooden "Number eleven," screamed the sesteps a little further on, which lead to the cond. bottom of the cliff, and looked at the crabs, "The numbers are all taken now, laand the seaweed, and the eels, till it was dies, if you please," said the first. The more than fully time to go back to Ramsgate representatives of numbers three, eight, again: and finally Mr. Cymon Tuggs as- and eleven, and the rest of the numbers, cended the steps last, and Mrs. Captain crowded round the table. Waters last but one: and Mr. Cymon "Will you throw, ma'am?" said the Tuggs discovered that the foot and ankle presiding goddess, handing the dice-box of Mrs. Captain Waters, were even more to the eldest daughter of a stout lady unexceptionable than he had at first sup- with four girls. posed. There was a profound silence among Taking a donkey towards his ordinary the lookers on. place of residence, is a very different "Throw, Jane, my dear," said the stout thing, and a feat much more easily to be lady. An interesting display of bashfulaccomplished, than taking him from it. ness-a little blushing in a cambric handIt requires a great deal of foresight and herchief-a whispering to a younger sispresence of mind in the one case, to anti- ter. cipate the numerous flights of his dis- "Amelia, my dear, throw for your siscursive imagination; whereas in the ter," said the stout lady; and then she other, all you have to do is to hold, on, turned to a walking advertisement of anid place a blind confidence in the ani- Rowland's Macassar Oil, who stood next mal. Mr. Cymon Tuggs adopted the her, and said, "Jane is so very modest latter expedient on his return; and his and retiring; but I can't be angry with nerves were so little discomposed by the her for it. An artless and unsophisticated journey, that he distinctly understood girl is so truly amiable, that I often wish they were all to meet again at the library Amelia was more like her sister." in the evening. The gentleman with the whiskers, The library was crowded. There were whispered his admiring approval; and the same ladies and the same gentlemen the artless young lady glanced across, to who had been on the sands in the morn- observe the effect of her most unqualified ing, and on the pier the day before. simplicity. There were young ladies in maroon-co- " Now, my dear!" said the stout lady. loured gowns and black velvet bracelets, Miss Amelia threw-eight for her sister, dispensing fancy articles in the shop, and ten for herself. presiding over games of chance in the "Nice figure, Amelia," whispered the concert-room. There were marriageable stout lady, to a thin youth beside her. da-ughters, and marriage-making mammas, "Beautiful!" gaming, and promenading, and turning "And such a spirit. I am like you in over music, and flirting. There were that respect. I can not help admiring some nmae beaux doing the sentimental that life and vivacity. Ah! (a sigh) I THE TUGGS'S AT RAMSGATE. 187 wish I could make poor Jane a little more Cymon Tuggs, and Mrs. Captain Waters like my dear Amelia!" were seated on that bench. They spoke The young gentleman cordially acqui- not, but were silently gazing on the sea. esced in the sentiment; and both he and "Walter will return to-morrow," said the individual first addressed, were per- Mrs. Captain Waters, mournfully breakfectly contented. ing silence. "Who's this?" inquired Mr. Cymon Mr. Cymon Tuggs sighed like a gust Tuggs of Mrs. Captain Waters, as a of wind through a forest of gooseberryshoit female, in a blue velvet hat and bushes, as he replied —" Alas! he will." feathers, was led into the orchestra, by a " Oh, Cymon!" resumed Belinda, fat man in black tights and cloudy Ber- "the chaste delight, the calm happiness, lins. of this one week of Platonic love, is too' Mrs. Tippin, of the London theatres," much for me." replied Belinda, referring to the pro- Cymon was about to suggest that it gramme of the concert. was too little for him, but he stopped himThe talented Tippin having conde- self; and murmured unintelligibly. scendingly acknowledged the clapping " And to think that even this glimpse of hands, and shouts of "bravo!" which of happiness, innocent as it is," exgreeted her appearance, proceeded to claimed Belinda, "is now to be lost for sing the popular cavatina of" Bid me dis- ever!" course," accompanied on the piano by "Oh, do not say for ever, Belinda;" Mr. Tippin; after which Mr. Tippin exclaimed the excitable Cymon, as two sang a comic song, accompanied on the strongly-defined tears chased each other piano by' rs. Tippin, the applause con- down his pale face-it was so long that sequent upon which was only to be ex- there was plenty of room for a chaseceeded by the enthusiastic approbation "Do not say for ever!" bestowed upon an air with variations on " I must," replied Belinda. the guitar, by Miss Tippin, accompanied "Why." urged Cymon, "oh why on the chin by Master Tippin. Such Platonic acquaintance as ours is so Thus passed the evening; and thus harmless, that even your husband can passed the days and evenings of the never object to it." Tuggs's, and the Waters's, for six weeks "My husband!" exclaimed Belinda. afterwards. Sands in the morning — "You little know him. Jealous and redonkeys at noon-pier in the afternoon- vengeful; ferocious in his revenge-a library at night; and the same people maniac in his jealousy! Would you be every where. assassinated before my eyes?" Mr. CyOn that very night six weeks, the mon Tuggs, in a voice broken by emomoon was shining brightly over the calm tion, expressed his disinclination to undersea, which dashed against the feet of the go the process of assassination before the tall gaunt cliffs with just enough noise eyes of any body. to lull the old fish to sleep, without dis-'Then leave me," said Mrs. Captain turbing the young ones, when two fig- Waters. " Leave me, this night, for ures were discernible or would have ever. It is late; let us return." been, if any body had looked for them- Mr. Cymon Tuggs sadly offered the seated on one of the wooden benches lady his arm, and escorted her to her which are stationed near the verge of the lodgings. He paused at the door —he western cliff. The moon had climbed felt a Platonic pressure of his hand. higher into the heavens, by two hours' " Good night," he said, hesitating. journeying, since those figures first sat "Good night," sobbed the lady. Mr. down, and yet they had moved not. The Cymon Tuggs paused again. crowd of loungers had thinned and dis- "Won't you walk in, sir?" said the persed, the noise of itinerant musicians servant. Mr. Tuggs hesitated. Oh, that had died away; light after light had ap- hesitation! He did walk in. peared in the windows of the different "Good night," said Mr. Cymon Tuggs houses in the distance, blockade-man again, when he reached the' drawingafter blockade-man had passed the spot, room. wending his way towards his solitary' Good night!" replied Belinda; "and, post, and yet those figures had remained if at any period of my life, 1 —I-ush!' stationary. Some portions of the two The lady paused, ana stared, with a forms were in deep shadow, but the light steady gaze of horror, on the ashy couri of the moon fell strongly on a puce-col- tenance of Mr. Cymon Iuggs. There {ured boot and a glazed stock. Mr. was a double knock at the street-dool. 188 SKETCHES BY BOZ. " It is my husband!" said Belinda, as "I certainly thought so," said Slaughthe captain's voice was heard below. ter. No; every body denied it. "And my family!" added Cymon "Fancy," said the captain. Tuggas, as the voices of his relatives "Must be," echoed Slaughter. floated up the staircase. Cigars resumed-more smoke, another "The curtain! the curtain!" gasped cough-smothered, but violent. TMrs. Captain Waters, pointing to the "Damned odd!" said the, captain, starwindow, before which some chintz hang- ing about him. ings were closely drawn. "Sing'ler!" ejaculated the unconscious "But I have done nothing wrong," Mr. Joseph Tuggs. said the hesitating Cymon.:Lieutenant Slaughter looked first at "The curtain!" reiterated the frantic one person mysteriously, then at another; lady: "you will be murdered." This then laid down his cigar; then approachlast appeal to his feelings was irresisti. ed the window on tiptoe, and pointed with ble. The dismayed Cymon concealed his right thumb over his shoulder, in the himself behind the curtain with panto- direction of the curtain. mimic suddenness. " Slaughter!" ejaculated the captain, Enter the captain, Joseph Tuggs, Mrs. rising from table, "what do you mean T" Tuggs, and Charlotta. The lieutenant, in reply, drew back My dear," said the captain, "Lieu- the curtain, and discovered.Mr. Cymon tenant Slaughter." Two iron-shod boots Tuggs behind it; pallid with apprehenand one gruff voice were heard by Mr. sion, and blue with wanting to cough. Cymon to advance, and acknowledge the "Ah!" exclaimed the captain, furiously, honour of the introduction. The sabre "What do I see T Slaughter, your sabre!" of the lieutenant rattled heavily upon "Cymon!" screamed the Tuggs's. the floor, as he seated himself at the "Mercy," said Belinda. table. Mri Cymon's fears almost over- "Platonic," gasped Cymon. came his reason. "Your sabre!" roared the captain: "The brandy, my dear," said the cap- Slaughter- unhand me- the villain's tain. Here was a situation! They were life!" going to make a night of it: and Mr. "'Murder!" screamed the Tuggs's. Cymon Tuggs was pent up behind the "Hold him fast, sir!" faintly articucurtain, and afraid to breathe. lated Cymon. "Slaughters" said the captain, "a "Water!" exclaimed Joseph Tuggscigar l" and Mr. Cymon Tuggs and all the ladies Now, Mr. Cymon Tuggs never.could forthwith fainted away, and formed a smoke without feeling it indispensably tableau.- necessary to retire immediately, and Most willingly would we conceal the never could smell smoke without a strong disastrous termination of the six weeks' disposition to cough. The cigars were acquaintance. A troublesome form, and introduced; the captain was a professed an arbitrary custom, however, prescribe smoker, so was the lieutenant, so was that a story should have a conclusion in Joseph Tuggs. The apartment was addition to a commencement; and we small, the door was closed, the smoke have therefore no alternative. Lieutenpowerful: it hung in heavy wreaths over ant Slaughter brought a message-the the room, and at length found its way captain brought an action. Mr. Joseph behind the curtain. Cymon Tuggs held Tuggs interposed-the lieutenant negohis nose, then his mouth, then his breath. tiated. When Mr. Cymon Tuggs reIt was all of no use — out came the covered from the nervous disorder into cough. which misplaced affection, and exciting "Bless my soul!" said the captain," I circumstances had plunged him, he found beg your pardon, Miss Tuggs. You dis- that his family had lost their pleasant like smoking " acquaintance; that his father was minus "Oh no; I don't indeed," said Char- fifteen hundred pounds; and the captain lotta. plus the precise sum. The money was "It makes you cough." paid to hush the matter up, but it got "Oh dear no." abroad notwithstanding; and there are "You coughed just now." not wanting those who affirm that thre,. "Me, Captain Waters! Lor! how can designing impostors never found more you say so?" easy dupes, than did Captain Waters, "Somebody coughed," said the cap- Mrs. Waters, and Lieutenant Slaughter, tam. in the Tuggs's at Ramsgate. 1^8.~~~ Cq~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i r 1:..,l/i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~W ct 1 jjr ~jda ~ijj c;~iI~I/, c1 ii~~;~:~M HORATIO SPARKINS. 189 CHAPTER V. "So clever!" said Miss Marianne. "And has such a flow of language!" HORATIO SPARKINS. added Miss Teresa. "He has a great respect for you, my "INDEED, my love, he paid Teresa very dear," said Mrs. Malderton to her hus. great attention on the last assembly night," band, in a confident tone. Mr. Malderton said Mrs. Malderton, addressing her spouse, coughed, and looked at the fire. who after the fatigues of the day in the " Yes, I'm sure he's very much attached City, was sitting with a silk handkerchief to pa's society," said Miss Marianne. over his head, and his feet on the fender, "No doubt of it," echoed Miss Teresa. drinking hisport;-" very great attention; "Indeed, he said as much to me in and I say again, every possible encourage- confidence," observed Mrs. Malderton. ment ought to be given him. He positive- "Well, well," returned Mr. Malderton, ly must be asked down here to dine." somewhat flattered; "if I see him at the "Who must " inquired Mr. Malder- assembly to-morrow, perhaps I'll ask him ton. down here. I hope he knows we live at "Why, you know whom I mean, my Oak Lodge, Camberwell, my dear?" dear-the young man with the black whis- "Of course-and that you keep a onekers and the white cravat, who has just horse carriage." come out at our assembly, and whom all "I'll see about it," said Mr. Malderton, the girls are talking about. Young — composing himself for a nap; "I'll see dear me! what's his name?-Marianne, about it." what is his name " continued Mrs. Mal- Mr. Malderton was a man whose whole derton, addressing her youngest daughter, scope of ideas was limited to Lloyd's, the who was engaged in netting a purse, and Exchange, the India House, and the Bank. endeavouring to look sentimental. A few successful speculations had raised "Mr. Horatio Sparkins, ma," replied him from a situation of obscurity and Miss Marianne, with a Juliet-like sigh. comparative poverty, to a state of afflu. "Oh! yes, to be sure-Horatio Spark- ence. As it frequently happens in such ins," said Mrs. Malderton. " Decidedly cases, the ideas of himself and his family the most gentleman-like young man I ever became elevated to an extraordinary pitch saw. I am sure, in the beautifully-made as their means increased; they affected coat he wore the other night, he looked fashion, taste, and many other fooleries, in like-like —" imitation of their betters, and had a very "Like Prince Leopold, ma,-so noble, decided and becoming horror of any thing so full of sentiment!" suggested Miss which could by possibility be considered Marianne, in a tone of enthusiastic admi- low. He was hospitable from ostentation, ration. illiberal from ignorance, and prejudiced "You should recollect, my dear," re- from conceit. Egotism and the love of sumed Mrs. Malderton, "that Teresa is display induced him to keep an excellent now eight-and-twenty; and that it really table: convenience, and a love of the good is very important that something should things of this life, ensured him plenty of be done." guests. He liked to have clever men, or Miss Teresa Malderton was a very lit- what he considered such, at his table, tie girl, rather fat, with vermilion cheeks, because it was a great thing to talk about; but good-humoured, and still disengaged, but he never could endure what he called although, to do her justice, the misfortune "sharp fellows." Probably he cherished arose from no lack of perseverance on her this feeling out of compliment to his two part. In vain had she flirted for ten sons, whogave their respected parent no years; in vain had Mr. and Mrs. Malder- uneasiness in that particular. The family ton assiduously kept up an extensive ac- were ambitious of forming acquaintances quaintance among the young eligible and connections in some sphere of society bachelors of Camberwell, and even of superior to that in which they themselves Wandsworth and Brixton; to say nothing moved; and one of the necessary conseof: those who "dropped in" from town. quences of this desire, added to their igMiss Malderton was as well known- as norance of the world beyond their own the lion on the top of Northumberland small circle, was, that any one who could House, and had an equal chance of "go- plausibly lay claim to an acquaintance ing off." with people of rank and title, had a sure " I am quite sure you'd like him," con- passport to the table at Oak Lodge, Cam. tinued Mrs. Malderton; "he is so gentle- berwell. manl!" The appearance of Mr. Horatio Spar 190 SKETCHES BY BOZ. kins at the assembly had excited no small according to the fashions of the months, degree of surprise and curiosity among who went up the water twice a week in its regular frequenters. Who could he the season, and who actually had an intibe? He was evidently reserved, and ap- mate friend who once knew a gentleman parently melancholy. Was he a clergy- who formerly lived in the Albany,-even man —He danced too well. A barris- he had determined that Mr. Horatio Sparter — he was not called. He used very kins must be a devilish good fellow, and fine words, and said a great deal. Could that he would do him the ihnour of chalhe be a distinguished foreigner come to lenging him to a game at billiards. England for the purpose of describing the The first object that met the anxious country, its manners and customs; and eyes of the expectant family on their enfrequenting public balls and public din- trance into the ball-room, was the inter. ners, with the view of becoming acquaint- esting Horatio, with his hair brushed off ed with high life, polished etiquette, and his forehead, and his eyes fixed on the English refinement?-No, he had not a ceiling, reclining in a contemplative attiforeign accent. Was he a surgeon, a tude on one of the seats. contributor to the magazines, a writer "There he is, my dear," anxiously of fashionable novels, or an artist? —No; whispered Mrs. Malderton to Mr. Malto each and all of these surmises there derton. existed some valid objection.-" Then," "lHow like Lord Byron!' murmured said every body, " he must be somebody." Miss Teresa. -I" I should think he must be," reasoned " Or Montgomery!" whispered Miss Mr. Malderton, with himself, "because Marianne. he perceives our superiority, and pays us "Or the portraits of Captain Ross!" so much attention." suggested Tom. The night succeeding the conversation "Tom-don't be an ass!" said his we have just recorded was " assembly father, who checked him upon all occanight." The double-fly was ordered to sions, probably with a view to prevent be at the door of Oak Lodge at nine his becoming " sharp''-which was very o'clock precisely. The Miss Maldertons unnecessary. were dressed in sky-blue satin trimmed The elegant Sparkins attitudinized with artificial flowers; and Mrs. M. (who with admirable effect until the family was a little fat woman), in ditto ditto, had crossed the room. He then started looked like her eldest daughter multiplied up with the most natural appearance of by two. Mr. Frederick Malderton, the surprise and delight; accosted Mrs. Mal. eldest son, in full-dress costume, was the derton with the utmost cordiality, saluted very beau ideal of a smart waiter; and the young ladies in the most enchanting Mr. Thomas Malderton, the youngest, manner; bowed to, and shook hands with with his white dress-stock, blue c6at, Mr. Malderton, with a degree of respect bright buttons, and red watch-ribbon, amounting almost to veneration, and restrongly resembled the portrait of that turned the greetings of the two young interesting, though somewhat rash young men in a tlalf-gratified, half-patronizing gentleman, George Barnwell. Every mem- manner, which filly convinced them that her of the party had made up his or her he must be an important, and, at the same mind to cultivate the acquaintance of Mr. time, condescending personage. Horatio Sparkins. Miss Teresa, of course, "Miss Malderton," said Horatio, after was to be as amiable and interesting as the ordinary salutations, and bowing very ladies of eight-and-twenty on the look- low, "may I be permitted to presume to out for a husband usually are; Mrs. Mal- hope that you will allow me to have the derton would be all smiles and graces; pleasure-" Miss Marianne would request the favour "I don't think I am engaged," said of some verses for her album; Mr. Mal- Miss Teresa, with a dreadful affectaderton would patronise the great unknown tion of indifference " but, really - so by asking him to dinner; and Tom in- many - tended to ascertain the extent of his in- Horatio looked as handsomely miserable toJ mation on the interesting topics of snuff as a Hamlet sliding upon a bit of crangeaitd cigars. Even Mr. Frederick Malder- peel. ton himself the family authority on all "I shall be most happy," simpered the points of taste, dress, and fashionable interesting Teresa, at last; and Horatio's arrangement- who had lodgings of his countenance brightened up like an old hat Own in town, who had a free admission to in a shower of rain. Coventgarden theatre, who always dressed "A very genteel young man, certain HORATIO SPARKINS. 191 ly!" said the gratified Mr. Malderton, as ment," said Mr. Mlalderton, at the concluthe obsequious Sparkins and his partner sion of the evening, as he and his sons joined the quadrille which was just form- were standing in conversation with Mr. ing. Horatio Sparkins. "He has a remarkably good address," Horatio bowed his acknowledgments, said Mr. Frederick. and accepted the flattering invitation. "Yes, he is a prime fellow," interposed "I must confess," continued the maTom, who always managed to put his nceuvring father, offering his snuff-box foot in it — he talks just like an auc- to his new acquaintance, "that I don't tioneer." enjoy these assemblies half so much as "Tom," said his father solemnly, " I the comfort-I had almost said the luxury think I desired you before not to be a -of Oak Lodge: they have no great fool."-Tom looked as happy as a cock charms for an elderly man." on a drizzly morning. "And after all, sir, what is man?" said How delightful!" said the interesting the metaphysical Sparkins-" I say, what Horatio to his partner, as they prome- is man?" naded the room at the conclusion of the " Ah! very true," said Mr. Malderton set-" how delightful, how refreshing it -" very true." is, to retire from the cloudy storms, the " We know that we live and breathe," vicissitudes, and the troubles of life, even continued Horatio; " that we have wants if it be but for a few short, fleeting and wishes, desires and appetites-" moments; and to spend those moments, "Certainly," said Mr. Frederick Malfading and evanescent though they be, in derton, looking very profound. the delightful, the blessed society of one " I say, we know that we exist," reindividual —of her whose frowns would peated Horatio, raising his voice, "but be death, whose coldness would be mad- there we stop; there is an end to our ness, whose falsehood would be ruin, knowledge; there is the summit of our whose constancy would be bliss; the pos- attainments; there is the termination of session of whose affection would be the our ends. What more do we know?" brightest and best reward that Heaven "Nothing," replied Mr. Frederickcould bestow on man." than whom no one was more capable of "What feeling! what sentiment!" answering for himself in that particular. thought Miss Teresa, as she leaned more Tom was about to hazard something, bult heavily upon-her companion's arm. fortunately for his reputation, he caught "But enough-enough!" resumed the his father's angry eye, and slunk off like elegant Sparkins, with a theatrical air. a puppy convicted of petty larceny. " What have I said? what have I-I-to "Upon my word," said Mr. Malderton do with sentiments like these 3 Miss Mal- the elder, as they were returning home derton-" here he stopped short-" may I in the'Fly,' " that Mr. Sparkins is a hope to be permitted to offer the humble wonderful young man. Such surprising tribute of-" knowledge! such extraordinary informa"Really, Mr. Sparkins," returned the tion! and such a splendid mode ofexpresenraptured Teresa, blushing in the sweet- sing himself!" est confusion, " I must refer you to papa. "I think he must be somebody in disI never can, without his consent, venture guise," said Miss Marianne. "How to-to " charmingly romantic!" "Surely he cannot object-" " He talksvery loud and nicely," timid"Oh, yes. Indeed, indeed, you know ly observed Tom, "but I don't exactly him not," interrupted Miss Teresa, well understand what he means." knowing there was nothing to fear, but "I almost begin to despair of your unwishing to make the interview resemble derstanding anything, sir," said his father, a scene in some romantic novel. who, of course, had been much enlightHe cannot object to my offering you a ened by Mr. Horatio Sparkins' converglass of negus," returned the adorable sations. Sparkins, with some surprise. "It strikes me, Tom," said Miss " Is that all " said the disappointed Teresa, " that you have made yourself reresa to herself. " What a fuss about very ridiculous this evening." iothing!" "No doubt of it," cried every body"It will give me the greatest pleasure, and the unfortunate Tom reduced himself sir, to see you to dinner at Oak Lodge, into the least possible space. That night -amberwell, on Sunday next at five Mr. and Mrs. Malderton had a long con-'clock, if you have no better engage- versation respecting their daughter'~ 19-2 SKETCHES BY BOZ. prospects and future arrangements. Miss his greatest lies in a parenthesis, and Teresa went to bed, considering whether, with an air of self-denial, as if he feared in the event of her marrying a title, she being thought egotistical. could conscientiously encourage the visits i Why, no, I don't know him by that of her present associates; and dreamt all name," returned Flamwell, in a low tone, night of disguised noblemen, large routs, and with an air of immense importance. ostrich plumes, bridal fbvours, and Horatio "I have no doubt I know him though. Is Sparkins. he tall?" Various surmises were hazarded on the " Middle sized," said Miss Teresa. Sunday morning, as to the mode of con- With black hair " inquired Flam. veyance which the anxiously expected well, hazarding a bold guess. Horatio would adopt. Did he keep a gig? "Yes," returned Miss Teresa, eagerly -was it possible he could come on horse- " Rather a snub nose?" back — or would he patronize the stage? "No," said the disappointed Teresa, These, and various other conjectures of "he has a Roman nose." equal importance, engrossed the attention I said a Roman nose, didn't 1?' inof Mrs. Malderton and her daughters quired Flarmwell. "He's an elegant young during the whole morning. man?" "Upon my word, my dear, it's a most "Oh, certainly." annoying thing that that vulgar brother " With remarkably prepossessing manof yours should have invited himself to ners?" dine here to-day," said Mr. Malderton to 6 Oh, yes i" said all the family together. his wife. " On'account of Mr. Sparkins's " You must know him." coming down, I purposely abstained fromw h, if asking any one but Flamwell. And then e th ht y ne was any body," triumphantly exclaimed to think of your brother-a tradesman- Mr. Malderton. "Who d'ye think he is " it's insufferable. -I declare I wouldn't havesc " him to mention his shop before our new F, -ruminating, and sinking his guests-no, not for a thousand pounds! vce almt to a whisper, he bears a voice almost to a whisper, "he bears a I wouldn't care if he had the good sense tro resemblance to the Honorable to conceal the disgrace lie is to the o fami hthe disg so c s fond of Augustus Fitz-Edward Fitz-John Fitzfamily; but he is so cursedly fond of Osborne. He's a very talented young his horrid business, that he will let peo-;0 I his horrid business, that he wl et e man, and rather eccentric. It's extremely pie know what he is. " probable he may have changed his name Mr. Jacob Barton, the individual allu- for some temporary purpose. ded to, was a large grocer; so vulgar, and so lost to all sense of feeling, that he Teresa's heart beat high. Could he actually never scrupled to avow that he e the Honorable Augustus Fitz-Edward wasn't above his business: "he'd made Fitz-John Fitz-Osborne! What a name his money by it, and he didn't care who to be elegantl graved upon two glazed know'd it.~" - cards, tied together with a piece of white Ah! Flamwell my dear fellow, how satin ribbon! "The Honorable Mrs. d'ye do " said Mr. Malderton, as a little Augustus Fiz-Edward Fitz-John Fitzspoffish man, with green spectacles, en- Osborne!" The thought was transport. tered the room. "You got my note 3'' "It's five minutes to five," said Mr. "Yes, I aid; and here I am in conse- Malderton, looking at his watch: " I hope quence." he's not going to disappoint us." " You don't happen to know this Mr. " There he is!" exclaimed Teresa, as Sparkins by name 3 You know every a loud double-knock was heard at the body." door. Every body endeavoured to look — Mr. Flamwell was one of those gentle- as people when they particularly expect a nien of remarkably extensive information, visitor always do-as if they were perwhom one occasionally meets in society, fectly unconscious of the approach of any who pretend to know every body, but in body. reality know nobody. At Malderton's, The room-door opened-" Mr. Barton!" where any stories about great people were said the servant. received with a greedy ear, he was an "Confound the man!" murmured Malespecial favorite; and knowing the kind derton. " Ah! my dear sir, how d'ye do! of people he had to deal with, he carried Any news?" his passion of claiming acquaintance with "Why, no," returned the grocer, in everybody to the most immoderate length. his usual honest, bluff manner. "No, lie had rather a singular way of telling none particklar. None that I am much HORATIO SPARKINS. 193 aware of.-How (]' c do, _gals and boys I the mention of so great a man had upon -Mr. Flamwell, sir —glad to see you." him. "H ere's Mr. Sparkins," said Tom,who "Why, no-not very lately: I saw had been looking out at the window, "on Lord Gubbleton the day before yestersuch a black horse!" There was Hora- day." tio, sure enough, on a large black horse, " Ah! I hope his lordship is very well," curveting and prancing along like an said Malderton, in a tone of the greatest Astley's supernumerary. After a great interest. It:is scarcely necessary to say deal of reining in and pull.ng up, with that until'that moment he had been the usual accompaniments of snorting, quite innocent of the existence of such a rearing, and kicking, the aimal consent- person. ed to stop at about a hundred yards from " Why, yes; he was very well-very the gate, where Mr. Sparkins dismounted, well indeed. He's a devilish good fellow; and confided him to the care of Mr. Mal- I met him in the City, and had a long derton's groom. The ceremony of intro- chat with him. Indeed, I'm rather intiduction was gone through in all due mate with him. I couldn't stop to talk form. Mr. Flarwell looked'from behind to him as long as I could wish though, ils green spectacles at Horatio with an because I was on my way to a banker's, air of mysterious importance; and the a very rich man, and a member of Pargallant Horatio looked unutterable things liament, with whom I am also rather, inat Teresa, who tried in her turn to appear deed I may-say very, intimate." uncommonly lackadaisical. " I know whom you mean," returned " Is he the Honourable Mr. Augustus- the host, consequentially, in reality know. what's his name'!" whispered Mrs. Mal- ing as much about the matter as Flamwell derton to Flamwell, as he was escorting himself. hr to the dining-room. " He has a capital business." "Why, no-at least not exactly," re- This was touching on a dangerous turned that great authority-" not ex- topic. actly." " Talking of business," interposed Mr. "Who is he then!" Barton, from the centre of the table. "A "Hush!" said Flamwell, nodding his gentleman that you knew very well, head with a grave air, importing that he Malderton, before you made that first knew very well; but was prevented by lucky spec of yours, called at our shop somee grave reasons of state from dis- the other day, and-" closing the important secret. It might "Barton, may I trouble you for a potabe one of the ministers making himself to," interrupted the wretched master of acquainted with the views of the people. the house, hoping to nip the story in the "Mr. Sparkins," said the delighted bud. Mrs. Malderton, "pray divide the ladies. " Certainly," returned the grocer, John, put a chair for the gentleman be- quite unconscious of his brother-in-law's tween Miss Teresa and Miss Marianne." object-" and he said in a very plain This was addressed to a man who on -manner " ordinary occasions acted as half-groom, "Floury, if you please," interrupted half-gardener; but who. as it was most Malderton again; dreading the terminaimportant to make an impression on Mr. tion of the anecdote, and fearing a repeSparkins, had been forced into a white tition of the word " shop." neckerchief and shoes, and touched up "He said, says he," continued the culand brushed to look like a second footman. prit, after despatching the potato-" says The dinner was excellent; Horatio he, how goes on your business? So I was most attentive to Miss Teresa, and said, jokingly-you know my way-says every one felt in high spirits, except Mr. I, I'm never above my business, and I Malderton, who, knowing the propensity hope my business will never be above me. of his brother-in-law, Mr. Barton, endured Ha, ha!" that sort of agony which the newspapers "Mr. Sparkins," said the host, vainly inform us is experienced by the surround- endeavouring to conceal his dismay, " ing neighbourhood when a pot-boy hangs glass of wine 3" himself in a hay-loft, and which is " much " With the utmost pleasure, sir." easier to be imagined than described." " Happy to see you." "Have you seen your friend, Sir "Thank you."'homas Noland, lately, Flamwell''? in- "We were talking the other evening," quired Mr. Malderton, casting a side- resumed the host, addressing Horatio. long look at Horatio, to see what effect partly with the view of displaying the 17 Z 194 SKETCHES BY BOZ. conversational powers of his new ac- of cause, and if cause does precede effect, quaintance, and partly in the hope of I apprehend you are decidedly wrong," drowning the grocer's stories-" we were added Horatio. talking the other day about the nature of "Decidedly," said the toad-eating man. Your argument struck me very Flamwell. forcibly." "At least I apprehend that to be the "And me," said Mr. Frederick. Hora- just and logical deduction," said Mr. tio made a graceful inclination of the Sparkins, in a tone of interrogation. head. "No doubt of it," chimed in Flamwell "Pray, what is your opinion of woman, again. "It settles the point." Mr. Sparkinst" inquired Mrs. Malder- "Well, perhaps it' does," said Mr. ton. The young ladies simpered. Frederick; "I didn't see it before." " Manl," replied Horatio, " man, whether " I don't exactly see it now," thought he ranged the bright, gay, flowery plains the grocer; "but I suppose it's all right." of a second Eden, or the more steril, bar- " How wonderfully clever he is!" ren, and, I may say, commonplace regions, whispered Mrs. Malderton to her daughto which we are compelled to accustom ters, as they retired to the drawing-room. ourselves in times such as these; man, I " Oh, he's quite a love!" said both of say, under any circumstances, or in any the young ladies together; "he talks place-whether he were bending beneath like an oracle. He must have seen a the withering blasts of a fiigid zone, or great deal of life." scorching under the rays of a vertical lThe gentlemen being left to themsun-man, without woman, would be- selves,'a pause ensued, during which alone." every body looked very grave, as if they "I'm very happy to find you entertain were quite overcome by the profound such honourable opinions, Mr.Sparkins," nature of the previous discussion. Flamsaid Mrs. Malderton. well, who had made up his mind to find "And I," added Miss Teresa. Hora- out who and what Mr. Horatio Sparkins tio looked his delight, and the young lady really was, first broke silence. blushed like a full-blown peony. "Excuse me, sir;" said that distin"Now it's my opinion," said Mr. Bar- guished personage —"I presume you have ton- studied for the bar? I thought of enter" I know what you're going to say," ing once myself-indeed I'm rather intiinterposed Malderton, determined not to mate with some of the highest ornaments give his relation another opportunity, of that distingauished profession." " and I don't agree with you." "No-no!" said Horatio, with a little "What l" inquired the astonished hesitation; "not exactly." grocer. "But you have been much among the "I am sorry to differ from you, Bar- silk gowns, or I mistake " inquired Flarmton," said the host, in as positive a well, deferentially. manner as if he really were contradict- "Nearly all my life," returned Sparing a position which the other had laid Iins. down, " but I cannot give my assent The question was thus pretty well to what I consider a very monstrous pro- settled in the mind of Mr. Flamwell.position." He was a young gentleman "about to be "But I meant to say-" called." "You never can convince me," said "I shouldn't like to be a barrister," Mlalderton, with an air of obstinate deter- said Tom, speaking for the first time, and inination. "Never." looking round the table to find somebody "And I," said Mr. Frederick, follow- who would notice the remark. ing up his father's attack, "cannot en- No one made any reply. tirely agree in MIr. Sparkins' argument." "I shouldn't like to wear a wig," " What!" said Horatio, who became added Tom, hazarding another obsermore metaphysical, and more argumenta- vation. tive, as he saw the female part of the " Tom, I beg you'll not make yourself family listening in wondering delight — ridiculous," said his father. " Pray listen, "what! is effect the consequence of and improve yourself by the conversation cause? Is cause the precursor of effect?" you hear, and don't be constantly making " That's the point," said Flamwell. these absurd remarks." "To be sure," said Mr. Malderton. " Very well, father," replied the unfor. Because, if effect is the consequence tunate Tom, who had not spoken a word HORATIO SPARKINS. 195 since he had asked for another slice of "But, perhaps, Mr. Sparkins will form beef at a quarter past five, P. M., and it one of our party to-morrow evening V" was then eight. suggested Mrs. M. " Mr. Malderton in" Well, Tom," observed his good-na- tends taking the girls to see the pantotured uncle, " never mind; I think with mime."-Mr. Sparkins bowed, and provou. I shouldn't like to wear a wig. I'd mised to join the party in box 48, in the rather wear an apron." course of the evening. Mr. Malderton coughed violently. Mr. "We will not tax you for the mornBarton resumed —" For if a man's above ing,"' said Miss Teresa, bewitchingly; his business " "for ma is going to take us to all sorts of The cough returned with tenfold vio- places, shopping. But I know that genlence, and did not cease until the unfor- tlemen have; great horror of that emtunate cause of it, in his alarm, had quite ployment." Mr. Sparkins bowed again, forgotten what he intended to say. and declared that he should be delighted, "Mr. Sparkins," said Flamwell, re- but business of importance occupied him in turning to the charge, "do you happen the morning. Flamwell looked at Malto know Mr. Delafontaine, of Bedford- derton significantly.I" It's term time!" square". he whispered. "I have exchanged cards with him; At twelve o'clock on the following since which, indeed, I have had an oppor- morning, the "fly" was at the door of tunity of serving him considerably," re- Oak Lodge, to convey Mrs. Malderton plied Horatio, slightly colouring, no doubt, and her daughters on their expedition for at having been betrayed into making the the day. They were to dine and dress acknowledgment. for the play at a friend's house; first " You are very lucky, if you have had driving thither with their band-boxes, an opportunity of obliging that great they departed on their first errand to man," observed Flamwell, with an air of make some purchases at Messrs. Jones, profound respect. Spruggins, and Smith's, of Tottenham" I don't know who he is," he whis- court-road; after which they were to go to pered to Mr. Malderton confidentially, as Redmayne's, in Bond-street; and thence they followed Horatio up to the drawing- to innumerable places that no one ever room. "It's quite clear, however, that heard of. The young ladies beguiled he belongs to the law, and that he is some- the tediousness of the ride by eulogizing body of great importance, and very highly Mr. Horatio Sparkins, scolding their connected." mamma for taking them so far to save "No doubt, no doubt," returned- his a shilling, and wondering whether they companion. should ever reach their destination. At The remainder of the evening passed length the vehicle stopped before a dirtyaway most delightfully. Mr. Malderton, looking ticketed linen-draper's shop, with relieved from his apprehensions by the goods of all kinds, and labels of all sorts circumstance of Mr. Barton's falling into and sizes in the window. There were a profound sleep, was as affable and gra- dropsical figures of a seven with a little cious as possible. Miss Teresa played three-farthings in the corner, something the "Fall of Paris," as Mr. Sparkins de- like.the aquatic animalcule disclosed by dared, in a most masterly manner, and the gas microscope," perfectly invisible both of them, assisted by Mr. Frederick, to the naked eye;" three hundred and tried over glees and trios without num- fifty thousand ladies' boas, from one shilher; they having made the pleasing dis- ling and a penny halfpenny; real French covery that their voices harmonized beau- kid shoes, at two and ninepence per pair; tifully. To be sure, they all sang the green parasols, with handleslike carvingfirst part; and Horatio, in addition to forks, at an equally cheap rate; and the slight drawback of having no ear, " every description of goods," as the prowas perfectly innocent of knowing a prietors said-and they must know best note of music; still they passed the time -" fifty per cent. under cost price." away very agreeably, and it was past "La! ma, what a place you have twelve o'clock before Mr. Sparkins or- brought us to!" said Miss Teresa; "what dered the mourning-coach-looking steed would Mr. Sparkins say if he could see to be brought out-an order which was us!" only complied with, upon the distinct un- " Ah! what, indeed!" said Miss Mariderstanding that he was to repeat his anne, horrified at the idea. visit on the following Sunday. " Pray be seated, ladies. What is the 196 SKETCHES BY BOZ. first article?" inquired the obsequious CHAPTER VI. master of ceremonies of the establishment, who, in his large white neckcloth THE BLACK VEIL. and formal tie, looked like a bad "por- ONE winter's evening towards the close trait of a gentleman" in the Somerset- of the year 1800, or within a year or two house exhibition. of that time, a young medical practitioner I want to see some silks," answered recently established in business, was Mrs. Malderton. seated by a cheerful fire in his little par"Directly, ma'am.-Mr. Smith! Where lour, listening to the wind which was is Mr. Smith' beating the rain in pattering drops against the window, and rumbling dismally' in "Here, sir," cried a voice at the back the chi mney. The n ight was wet an ~of the shop.~ the chimney. The night was wet and oft the shop. ^ bcold: he had-been walking through mud "Pray make haste, Mr. Smith," said and water the whole day, and was now the M. C. "You nqver are to be found comfortably reposing in his dressingwhen you're wanted, sir." gown and slippers, more than half asleep Mr. Smith, thus enjoined to use all and less than half awake, revolving a possible despatch, leaped over the coun- thousand matters in his wandering imater with great agility, and placed him- gination. First he thought how hard the self before the newly-arrived customers. wind was blowing, and how the cold, Mrs. Malderton uttered a faint scream; sharp rain would be at that moment beatMiss Teresa, who had been stooping ing in his face if he were not comfortadown to talk to her sister, raised her bly housed at home. Then his mind reread, and beheld-Horatio Sparkins! verted to his annual Christmas visit to "We will draw a veil," as novel his native place and dearest friends;, he writers say, over the scene that ensued. thought how glad they would all be to The mysterious, philosophical, romantic, see him, and how happy it would make metaphysical Sparkins-he who, to the Rose if he could only tell her that he had interesting Teresa, seemed like the em- got a patient at last, and hoped to have bodied idea of the young dukes and poeti- more, and to come down again in a few cal exquisites in blue silk dressing-gowns, months' time and marry her, and take and ditto ditto slippers, of whom she had her home to gladden his lonely fireside, read and dreamt, but had never expected and stimulate him to fresh exertions. to behold-was suddenly converted into Then he began to wonder when his first Mr. Samuel Smith, the assistant at a patient would appear, or whether he was "cheap shop;" the junior partner in a destined by a special dispensation of Proslippery firm of some three weeks' exist- vidence never to have any patients at all; ence. The dignified evanishment of the and then he thought about Rose again, hero of Oak Lodge on this unexpected and dropped to sleep and dreamed about announcement, could only be equalled by her, till the very tones of her sweet that of a furtive dog with a considerable merry voice sounded in his ears, and kettle at his tail. All the hopes of the her soft tiny hand rested on his shoulder. Maldertons were destined at once to melt There was a hand upon his shoulder, away, like the lemon ices at a Company's but it was neither soft nor tiny; its owner dinner; Almacks was still to them as being a corpulent round-headed boy, who, distant as the North Pole; and Miss in consideration of the sum of one shilTeresa had about as much chance of a ling per week and his food, was let out by husband as Captain Ross had of the the parish to carry medicine and mesnorth-west passage. sages. As there was no demand for the Years have elapsed since the occur- one, however, and no necessity for the rence of this dreadful morning. The other, he usually occupied his unemployed daisies have thrice bloomed on Camber- hours —averaging fourteen a day-in abwell-green-the sparrows have thrice re- stracting peppermint drops, taking anipeated their vernal chirps in Camberwell- mal nourishment, and going to sleep. grove; but the Miss Maldertons are still "A lady, sir-a lady!" whispered the unmated. Miss Teresa's case is more boy, rousing his master with a shake. desperate than ever; but Flamwell is yet " What lady 1" cried our friend, startin thc zenith of his reputation; and the ing up, not quite certain that his dream family have the same predilection for was an illusion, and half expecting that aristocratic personages, with an increased it might be Rose herself.-" What lady' aversion to anything low. Where V" THE BLACK VEIL. 197 " There, sir," replied the boy, pointing bodily, but mentally. It is not for my. to the glass-door leading into the surgery, self, or on my own behalf," continued the with an expression of alarm which the stranger, "that I come to you. If I very unusual apparition of a customer laboured under bodily disease, I should might have tended to excite. not be out alone at such an hour, or on The surgeon looked towards the door, such a night as this; and if I were afflictand started himself for an instant on be- ed with it twenty-four hours hence, God holding the appearance of his unlooked- knows how gladly I would lie down and for visiter. pray to die. It is for another that I beIt was a singularly tall female, dressed seech your aid, sir. I may be mad to in deep mourning, and standing so close ask it for him-I think I am: but, night to the door that her face almost touched after night through the long dreary hours the glass. The upper part of her person of watching and weeping, the thought was carefully muffled in a black shawl, has been ever present to my mind; and as if for the purpose of concealment, and though even I see the hopelessness of her face was shrouded by a thick black human assistance availing him, the bare veil. She''stood perfectly erect; her thought of laying him in his grave withfigure was drawn up to its full heighte out it, makes my blood run cold!" And and though the surgeon felt that the eyeS a shudder, such as the surgeon well knew beneath the veil were fixed on him, she art could not produce, trembled through stood perfectly motionless, and evinced, the speaker's frame. by no gesture whatever, the slightest There was a desperate earnestness in consciousness of his having turned to- this woman's manner that went to the wards her. young man's heart. He was young in "Do you wish to consult me T" he in- his profession, and had not yet witnessed quired, with some hesitation, holding enough of the miseries which are daily open the door. It opened inwards, and presented before the eyes of its members, therefore the action did not alter the posi- to have grown comparatively callous to tion of the figure, which still remained human suffering. motionless on the same spot. " If," he said, rising hastily, " the perThe female slightly inclined her head, son of whom you speak be in so hopeless in token of acquiescence. a condition as you describe, not a moment "Pray walk in," said the surgeon. is to be lost. I will go with you instantThe figure moved a step forward; and ly. Why did you not obtain medical adthen turning its head in the direction of vice before?" the boy-to his infinite horror-appeared "Because it would have been useless to hesitate. before-because it is useless even now," "Leave the room, Tom," said the replied the woman, clasping her hands young man, addressing the boy, whose passionately. large round eyes had been extended to The surgeon gazed for a moment on their utmost width during this brief in- the black veil, as if to ascertain the exterview.-" Draw the curtain, and shut pression of the features beneath it; its the door." thickness, however, rendered such a reThe boy drew a green curtain across suit impossible. the glass part of the door, retired into "You are ill," he said, gently, " although the surgery, closed the door after him, you do not know it. The fever which and immediately applied one of his large has enabled you to bear without feeling eyes to the key-hole on the other side. the fatigue you have evidently undergone, The surgeon drew a chair to the fire, is burning within you now. Put that to and motioned the visiter to a seat. The your lips," he continued, pouring out a mysterious figure slowly moved towards glass of water —' compose yourself for it, and as the blaze shone upon the black a few minutes, and then tell me, as dress, the surgeon observed that the bot- calmly as you can, what the disease of tom of it was saturated with mud and the patient is, and how long he has been rain. ill. The moment I know what it is "You are very wet," he said. necessary 1 should know, to render my "I am," said the stranger, in a low visit serviceable to him, T am ready to deep voice. accompany you." "And you are ill?" added the surgeon, The stranger lifted the glass of water compassionately, for the tone was that of to her mouth without raising the veil, put a person in severe pain. it down again untasted, and burst into "I am," was the reply —" very ill: not tears. 17 198 SKETCHES BY BOZ. " I know," she said, sobbing aloud, "that will see him in the morning, if you leave what I say to you now, seems like the me the address. At what hour can he be ravings of fever. I have been told so be- seen?" fore, less kindly than by you. I am not "N ine," replied the stranger. a young woman, sir; and they do say, "You must excuse my pressing these that as life steals on towards its final inquiries'?" said the surgeon. "But is he close, the last short remnant, worthless in your charge now V" as it may seem to all beside, is dearer to "He is not," was the rejoinder. its possessor than all the years that have "Then if I gave you instructions for gone before, connected though they be his treatment through the night, you could with the recollection of old friends, long not assist him?' since dead, and young ones —children The woman wept bitterly, as she reperhaps-who have fallen off from, and plied, "I could not." forgotten one as completely as if they had Finding that there was but little prosdied too. My natural term of life cannot pect of obtaining further, information by be many years longer, and should be dear prolonging the interview; and anxious to on that account; but I would lay it down spare the woman's feelings, which, subwithout a sigh-with cheerfulness-with dued at first by a violent effort, were now joy-if what I tell you now were only irrepressible and most painful to witness, false, or imaginary. To-morrow morning the surgeon repeated his promise of callhe of whom I speak will be, I know, ing in the morning at the appointed hour; though I would fain think otherwise, be- and his visiter, after giving him a direcyond the reach of human aid; and yet, tion to an obscure part of Walworth, left to-night, though he is in deadly peril, you the house in the same mysterious manner must not see, and you could not serve as she had entered it. him." It will be readily believed that so ex"I am unwilling to increase your dis- traordinary a visit produced a consideratress," said the surgeon, after. a short ble impression on the mind of the young pause, "by making any comment on what surgeon, and that he speculated a great you have just said, or appearing desirous deal and to very little purpose on the posto investigate a subject you seem'so sible circumstances of the case. In cornanxious to conceal; but there is an incon- mon with the generality of people, he sistency in your statement which I can- had often heard and read of singular in not reconcile with probability. This per- stances, in which a presentiment of death son is dying to-night, and I cannot see at a particularday or even minute had him when my assistance might possibly been entertained and realized. At one avail; you apprehend it will be useless moment he was inclined to think that the to-morrow, and yet you would have me present might be such a case, but then"it see him then. If he be indeed as dear to occurred to him that all the anecdotes of you, as your words and manner would the kind he had ever heard, were of perimply, why not try to save his life before sons who had been troubled with a foredelay and the progress of his disease ren- boding of their own death. This woman, der it impracticable " however, spoke of another person-a "God help me!" exclaimed the woman,.man: and it was impossible to suppose weeping bitterly, "how can I hope that a mere dream or delusion of fancy strangers will believe what appears in- would induce her to speak of his apcredible, even to myself? You will not proaching dissolution with such terrible see him then, sirl" she added, rising sud- certainty as she had done. It could not denly. be that the man was to be murdered in "I did not say that I declined to see the morning, and that the woman, origihim," replied the surgeon; "but I warn nally a consenting party and bound to you, that if you persist in this extraordi- secrecy by an oath, had relented, and nary procrastination, and the individual though unable to prevent the commission dies, a fearful responsibility rests with of some outrage on the victim, had deyou." termined to prevent his death if possible ~' The responsibility will rest heavily by the timely interposition of medica' somewhere," replied the stranger bit- aid. The idea of such things happening terly. "Whatever responsibility rests within two miles of the metropolis apwith me, I am content to bear and ready peared too wild and preposterous to be to answer." entertained beyond the instant. Then " As I incur none," continued the sur- his original impression that the woman's geon, "by acceding to your request, I intellects were disordered, recurred; and THE BLACK VEIL. 199 as it was the only mode of solving the and so much of the prospect as could be difficulty with any degree of satisfaction, faintly traced through the cold damp he obstinately made up his mind to be- mist which hung heavily over it, prelieve she was mad. Certain misgivings\ sented a lonely and dreary appearance upon this point, however, stole upon his perfectly in keeping with the objects we thoughts at the time, and presented them- have described. selves again and again through the long After plodding wearily through the dull course of a sleepless night, during mud and mire; making many inquiries which, despite of all his efforts to the for the place to which he had been contrary, he was unable to banish the directed; and receiving as many contrablack veil from his disturbed imagination. dictory and unsatisfactory replies in reThe back part of Walworth, at its turn, the young man at length arrived greatest distance from town, is a strag- before the house which had been pointed gling, miserable place enough, even in out to him as the object of his destination. these days; but five-and-thirty years ago It was a small low building, one story the greater portion of it was little better above the ground, with a more desolate than a dreary waste, inhabited by a few and unpromising exterior than any he scattered people of most questionable had yet passed. An old yellow curtain character, whose poverty prevented their was closely drawn across the window up living in any better neighbourhood, or stairs, and the parlour shutters were whose pursuits and mode of life rendered closed, but not fastened. The house was its solitude peculiarly desirable. Very, detached from any other, and, as it stood many of the houses which have since at an angle of a narrow lane, there was sprung up on all sides, were not built no other habitation in sight. until some years afterwards; and the When we say that the surgeon hesitagreat majority even of those which were ted, and walked a few paces beyond the sprinkled about at irregular intervals, house before he could prevail upon himwere of the rudest and most miserable self to lift the kiocker, we say nothing description. that need raise a smile upon the face of The appearance of the place through the boldest reader. The police of Lonwhich he walked was not calculated to don were a very different body in that raise the spirits of the young surgeon, or day to what they are now: the isolated to dispel any feeling of anxiety or depres- position of the suburbs, when the rage sion which the singular kind of visit he for building and the progress of improvewas about to make might have awakened. ment had not yet begun to connect them Striking off from the high road, his way with the main body of the city and its lay across a marshy common, through environs, rendered many of them (and this irregular lanes, with here and there a in particular) a place of resort for the ruinous and dismantled cottage fast fall- worst and most depraved characters.ing to pieces with decay and neglect. A Even the streets in the gayest parts of stunted tree, or pool of stagnant water, London were imperfectly lighted at that roused into a creeping sluggish action by time, and such places as these were left enthe heavy rain of the preceding night, tirely to the mercy of the moon and stars. skirted the path occasionally; and now The chances of detecting desperate charand then a miserable patch of garden- acters, or of tracing them to their haunts, ground, with a few old boards knocked Were thus rendered very few, and their together for a summer-house, and old offences naturally increased in boldness palings imperfectly mended with stakes as the consciousness of comparative secupilfered from" the neighbouring hedges, rity became the more impressed upon bore testimony at once to the poverty of the them by daily experience. Added to inhabitan ts, and the little scruple they en- these considerations, it must be rememtertained in appropriating the property of bered tha,'he young man had spent other people to their own use. Occasion- some time in the public hospitals of the ally, a filthy-looking woman would make metropolis; and although neither Burke her appearance from the door of a dirty nor Bishop had then gained a horrible house, to empty the contents of some notoriety, still his own observation might cooking utensil into the gutter in front, have suggested to him how easily the or to scream after a little slipshod girl, atrocities to which the former has since who had contrived to stagger a few yards given his name, might be committed. Be from the door under the weight of a sal- this as it may, whatever reflection made low infant almost as big as herself; but him hesitate, he did hesitate; but, being a scarcely any thing was stirring around, young man of strong mind a d great per 200 SKETCHES BY BOZ. sonal daring, it was only for an instant; completed their task, whatever it was, -he stepped briskly back, and knocked were leaving the house. The door was gently at the door. again closed, and the former silence was A low whispering was audible imme- restored. diately afterwards, as if some person at Another five minutes elapsed, and the the end of the passage were conversing surgeon had just resolved to explore the stealthily with another on the landing house in search of some one to whom he above. It was succeeded by the noise of might make his errand known, when the a pair of heavy boots upon the bare floor. room-door opened, and his last night's visitThe door-chain was softly unfastened; the er, dressed in exactly the same manner, door opened, and a tall, ill-favoured man, with the veil lowered as before, motioned with black hair, and a face, as the surgeon him to advance. The singular height of often declared afterwards, as pale and hag- her form, coupled with the circumstance gard, as the countenance of any dead man of her not speaking, caused the idea to he ever saw, presented himself. pass across the brain for an instant that "Walk in, sir," he said in a low tone. it might be a man disguised in woman's The surgeon did so, and the man hav- attire. The hysteric sobs which issued ing secured the door again by the chain, fiom beneath the veil, and the convulsive led the way to a small back parlour at attitude of grief of the whole figure, howthe extremity of the passage. ever, at once exposed the absurdity of the " Am I in time V" suspicion, and he hastily followed. "Too soon," replied the man. The The woman led the way up stairs to surgeon turned hastily round, with a ges- the front room, and paused at the door to ture of astonishment not unmixed with let him enter first. It was scantily furalarm, which he found it impossible to re- nished with an old deal box, a few chairs, press, though he would gladly have re- and a tent bedstead without hangings or called it. cross-rails, which was covered with a "If you'll step in here, sir," said the patchwork counterpane. The dim light man, who had evidently noticed the ac- admitted through the curtain which he tion —" if you'll step in here; sir, you won't.had noticed from the outside, rendered the be detained five minutes, I assure you." objects in the room so indistinct, and coinmThe surgeon at once walked into the municated to all of them so uniform a hue, room. The man closed the door, and that he did not at first perceive the obect left. him alone. on which his eye at once rested when the It was a little cold room, with no other woman rushed frantically past him, and furniture than two deal chairs and a table flung herself upon her knees by the bed of the same material. A handful of fire side. unguarded by any fender, was burning in Stretched upon the bed, closely envel. the grate, which brought out the damp if oped in a linen wrapper, and covered it served no more comfortable purpose; with blankets, lay a human form stiff and for the unwholesome moisture was stealing motionless. The head and face, which down the walls in long, slug-like tracks. were those of a man, were uncovered, The window, which was broken and patch- save by a bandage which passed over the ed in many places, looked into a small head and under the chin. The eyes were enclosed piece of ground almost covered closed. The left arm lay heavily across, with water. Not a sound was to be heard, the bed, and the woman held the passive either within the house or without. The hand. young surgeon sat down by the fireplace, The surgeon gently pushed the woman to await the result of his first professional aside, and took the hand in his. visit. " My God!" he exclaimed, letting it fall He had not remained in his position involuntarily " the man is dead!" many minutes when the noise of some The woman started to her feet and beat approaching vehicle struck his ear. It her hands together,-" Oh! dont say so, stopped; the street-door was opened; a sir," she exclaimed with a burst of paslow talking succeeded, accompanied with sion, amounting almost to phrensy —6 Oh! a shuffling noise of footsteps along the pas- don't say so, sir! I can't bear it - indeed I sage on the stairs, as if two or three men can't! Men have been brought to life were engaged in carrying some heavy before when unskilful people have given body to the room above. The creaking them up for lost; and men have died who of the stairs a few seconds afterwards, might have been restored, if proper means announced that the new comers havinr had been resorted to. Don't let him ii; THE BLACK VEIL. 201 here, sir, without one effort to save him. The surgeon turned his face towards This very moment life may be passing the bed, and bent over the body which lay away. Do try, sir,-do, for God's sake!" full in the light of the window. The -And while speaking, she hurriedly throat was swollen, and a blue livid mark chafed, first the forehead and then the encircled it. The truth flashed suddenly breast of the senseless form before her, upon him. and then wildly beat the cold hands, "This is one of the men who were which, when she ceased to hold them, hung this morning!" he exclaimed, fell listlessly and heavily back on the turning away with a shudder. coverlet. "It is," replied the woman, with a cold, "It is of no use, my good woman," said unmeaning stare. the surgeon, soothingly, as he withdrewuid te "Who was he'!" inquired the surgeon. his hand from the man's breast. "Stay. -undo that curtain." -undo that curtnain." " lE 6on,'2 rejoined the woman; and " Why?" said the woman, starting up. fell senselessat his feet. Undo that curtain," repeated the sur- It was true. A companion, equally geon, in an agitated tone. guilty with himself, had been acquitted " I darkened the room on purpose," said for want of evidence; and this man had the woman, throwing herself before him been left for death and executed. To reas he rose to undraw it. " Oh! sir, have count the circumstances of the case at pity on me! If it can be of no use, and he this distant period, must be unnecessary, is really dead, do not - do not expose that and might give pain to some persons stilli corpse to other eyes than mine!" alive. The history was an every-day on,. "This man died no natural or easy The mother was a widow without friends death," said the surgeon." I must see the or money, and had denied herselfnecessabody!" and with a motion so sudden, that ries to bestow them on her orphan boy. the woman hardly knew that he had slip- That boy, unmindful of her prayers, and ped from beside her, he tore open the cur- forgetful of the sufferings she had endured tain, admitted the full light of day, and for him-incessant anxiety of mind, and returned to the bed-side. voluntary starvation of body -had plung"There has been violence here," he ed into a career of dissipation and crime. said, pointing towards the body, and gazing And this was the result: his own death by intently on the face, from which the black the hangman's hands, and his mother's veil was now for the first time removed. shame, and incurable insanity. In the excitement of a minute before, the For many years after this occurrence, female had dashed off the bonnet and veil, and when profitable and arduous avocaand now stood with her eyes fixed upon tions would have led many men to forget him. Her features were those of a woman that such a miserable being existed, the ofabout fifty, who had once been handsome. young surgeon was a daily visiter at the Sorrow and weeping had left traces upon side of the harmless madwoman; not only them which not time itself would ever have soothing her by his presence and kindness, produced without their aid: her face was but alleviating the rigour of her condition deadly pale, and there was a nervous con- by pecuniary donations for her comfort tortion of the lip, and an unnatural fire in and support, bestowed with no sparing her eye, which showed too plainly that her hand. In the transient gleam of recollecbodily and mental powers had nearly sunk tion and consciousness which preceded beneath an accumulation of misery. her —death, a prayer for his welfare and *' There has been violence here," said protection as fervent as mortal ever breaththe surgeon, preserving his searching ed, rose from the lips of this poor friendless glance. creature. That prayer flew to Heaven. "There has!" replied the woman. and was heard. The blessings he was " This man has been murdered." instrumental in conferring have been "That I call God to witness he has," repaid to him a thousand fold; but, amid said the woman, passionately; "pitilessly, all the honours of rank and station which inhumanly murdered!" have since been heaped upon him, and "By whom?" said the surgeon, seizing which he has so well earned, he can have the woman by the arm. no one reminiscence more gratifying to "Look at the butchers'.maisst and thenn his feelings than that connected withask me," she replied. The Black Veil, 2A 202 SKETCHES BY BOZ. idea!- Mrs. Stubbs," cried the student, ^iCHAPTER Vii. raising his voice. THEf SrTEAM EXCURSION. "Yes, sir," replied a dirty old woman with an inflamed countenance, emerging MR. PERCY NOAKES was a law-student, from the bed-room, with a barrel of dirt inhabiting a set of chambers on the fourth and cinders.-This was the laundress. floor, in one of those houses in Gray's-inn- " Did you call, sir l" square which command an extensive view "Oh! Mrs. Stubbs, I'm going out: if of the gardens, and their usual adjuncts — that tailor should call again, you'd better flaunting nursery-maids, and town-made say-you'd better say, I'm out of town, children, with parenthetical legs. Mr. and shan't be back for a fortnight; and if Percy Noakes.was what is generally that bootmaker should come, tell him I've termed -" a devilish good fellow." He lost his address, or I'd have sent him that *had a large circle of acquaintance, and little amount. Mind he writes it down; seldom dined at his own expense. He and if Mr. Hardy should call-you know used to talk politics to papas, flatter the Mr. Hardy " vanity of mammas, do the amiable to their "The funny gentleman, sir 1" daughters, make pleasure engagements "Ah! the funny gentleman. If Mr. with their sons, and romp with the young- Hardy should call, say I've gone to Mrs. er branches. Like those paragons of per- Taunton's about that water-party." fection, advertising footmen out of place, "Yes, sir." he was always " willing to make himself "And if any fellow calls, and says he's generally useful." If any old lady, whose come about a steamer, tell him to be here son was in India, gave a ball,'Mr. Percy at five o'clock this afternoon, Mrs. Stubbs." Noakes was master of the ceremonies; if " Very well, sir." any young lady made a stolen match, Mr. Mr. Percy Noakes brushed his hat, Percy Noakes gave her away; if ajuvenile whisked the crumbs off his inexplicables wife presented her husband with a bloom- with a silk handkerchief, gave the ends ing cherub, Mr. Percy Noakes was either of his hair a persuasive roll round his godfather, or deputy-godfather; and if any forefinger, and sallied forth for Mrs. Taunmember of a friend's family died, Mr. Per- ton's domicile in Great Marlboroughcy Noakes was invariably to be seen in the street, where she and her daughters occusecond mourning coach, with a white hand- pied the upper part of a house. She was kerchief to his eyes, sobbing —to use his a good-looking widow, of fifty, with the own appropriate and expressive description form of a giantess and the mind of a -"like winkin!" child. The pursuit of pleasure, and some It may readily be imagined that these means of killing time, appeared the sole numerous avocations were rather calcula- end of her existence. She doted on her ted to interfere with Mr. Percy Noakes's daughters, who were as frivolous as herprofessional studies. Mr. Percy Noakes self. was perfectly aware of the fact, and he had, A general exclamation of satisfaction therefore, after mature reflection, made up hailed the arrival of Mr. Percy Noakes, his mind not to study at all -a laudable who went through the ordinary salutations determination, to which he adhered in the and threw himself into an easy chair near most praiseworthy manner. His sitting- the ladies' work-table, with all the ease room presented a strange chaos of dress- of a regularly established friend of the gloves, boxing-gloves, caricatures, albums, family. Mrs. Taunton was busily eninvitation-cards, foils, cricket-bats, card- gaged in planting immense bright bows board drawings, paste, gum, and fifty other on every part of a smart cap on which it extraordinary articles heaped together in was possible to stick one; Miss Emily the strangest confusion. He was always Taunton was making a watch-guard; and making something for somebody, or plan- Miss Sophia was at the piano, practising ning some party of pleasure, which was a new song-poetry by the young officer, his great forte. He invariably spoke or the police officer, or the custom-house with astonishing rapidity; was smart, officer, or some equally interesting amaspoffish, and eight-and-twenty. teur. " Splendid idea,'pon my life!" solilo- "You good creature!" said Mrs. Taunquized Mr. Percy Noakes, over his morn- ton, addressing the gallant Percy. " You ing's coffee, as his mind reverted to a really are a good fsoul! You've come suggestion which had been thrown out the about the water-party, I know." previous night, by a lady at whose house I"I should rather suspect I had," re-,.bhad.spea the evening. "Glorious pled Mr. Noakes. triumphantly. " Now THE STEAM EXCURSION. 203 come here, girls, and I'll tell you all "Mr. Hardy," interrupted the servant, about it." Miss Emily and Miss Sophia announcing a visiter. Miss Sophia and advanced to the table, with that ballet Miss Emily hastily assumed the most insort of step which some young ladies seem teresting attitudes that could be adopted to think so fascinating - something be- on so short a notice. tween a skip and a canter. "How are you?" said a stout gentle" Now," continued Mr. Percy Noakes, man of about forty, pausing at the door' it seems to me that the best way will in the attitude of an awkward harlequin. be to have a committee of ten, to make This was Mr. Hardy, whom we have beall the arrangements, and manage the fore described, on the authority of Mrs. whole set-out. Then I propose that the Stubbs, as "the funny gentleman." He expenses shall be paid by these ten fel- was an Astley-Cooperish Joe Miller —a lows jointly." practical joker, immensely popular with "Excellent, indeed!" said Mrs. Taun- married ladies, and a general favourite ton, who highly approved of this part of with young men. He was always enthe arrangements. gaged in some pleasure excursion or other, "Then my plan is, that each of these and delighted in getting somebody into a ten fellows shall have the power of ask- scrape on such occasions. He could sing ing five people. There must be a meet- comic songs, imitate hackney-coachmen ing of-the committee at my chambers, to and fowls, play airs on his chin, and exemake all the arrangements, and these cute concertos on the Jews'-harp. He people shall be then named; every mem- always eat and drank most immoderately, ber of the committee shall have the and was the bosom friend of Mr. Percy power of black-balling any one who is Noakes. He had a red face, a somewhat proposed, and one black ball shall exclude husky voice, and a tremendously loud that person. This will ensure our having laugh. a pleasant party, you know." "How are you l" said this worthy, " What a manager you are!" interrupt- laughing, as if it were the finest joke in ed Mrs. Taunton again. the world to make a morning call, and "Charming!" said the lovely Emily. shaking hands with the ladies with as "I never did!" ejaculated Sophia. much vehemence as if their arms were "Yes, I think it'll, do," replied Mr. so many pump-handles. Percy Noakes, who was now quite in his "You're just the very man I wanted," element. "I think it'll do. Then you said Mr. Percy Noakes, who proceeded know we shall go down to the Nore and to explain the cause of his being in reback, and have a regular capital cold din- quisition. ner laid out in the cabin before we start, "IIa! ha! ha!" shouted Hardy, after so that every thing may be ready without hearing the statement, and receiving a any confusion; and we shall have the detailed account of the proposed excurlunch laid out on deck in those little tea- sion. "Oh, capital! glorious! What a garden-looking concerns by the paddle- day it will be! what fun! -But, I say, boxes- I do n't know what you call'em. when are you going to begin making the Then we shall hire a steamer expressly arrangements T" for our party, and a band, and have the "No time like the present-at once, if deck chalked, and we shall be able to you please." dance quadrilles all day: and then who- "Oh, charming!" cried the ladies. ever we know that's musical, you know, " Pray, do." why they'11 make themselves useful and Writing materials were laid before Mr. agreeable; and-and-upon the whole, I Percy Noakes, and the names of the difreally hope we shall have a glorious day, ferent members of the committee were you know." agreed on, after as much discussion be. The announcement of these arrange- tween him and Mr. Hardy as if at least ments was received with the utmost en- the fate of nations had depended on their thusiasm. Mrs. Taunton, Emily, and appointment. It was then agreed that a Sophia, were loud in their praises. meeting should take place at Mr. Percy "Well, but tell me, Percy," said Mrs. Noakes's chambers on the ensuing WedTaunton, "who are the ten' gentlemen nesday evening at eight o'clock, and the to be " visiters departed. "Oh! I know plenty of fellows who'll Wednesday evening arrived; cight be delighted with the scheme," replied o'clock came, and eight members of the Mr. Percy Noakes; "of course, we shall committee were punctual in their attenhave-" dance. Mr. Loggins, the solicitor, of 204 SKETCHES BY BOZ. Boswell-court, sent an excuse, and M r. the committee) should be confided. A Samuel Briggs, the ditto of Furnival's pale young gentleman in a green stock Inn, sent his brother, much to his (the and spectacles of the same, a member of brother's) satisfaction, and greatly to the the honourable society of the Inner Terndiscomfiture of Mr. Percy Noakes. Be- pie, immediately rose for the purpose of tween the Briggses and the Tauntons proposing Mr. Percy Noakes. He had there existed a degree of implacable known him long, and this he would say, hatred, quite unprecedented. The ani- that a more honourable, a more excellent, mosity between the Montagues and Capu- or a better-hearted fellow, never existed lets was nothing to that which prevailed -(hear, hear!) The young gentleman, between these two illustrious houses. who was a member of a debating society, Mrs. Briggs was a widow, with three took this opportunity of entering into an daughters and two sons; Mr. Samuel, the examination of the state of the Enflish eldest, was an attorney, and Mr. Alexan- law, from the days of William the Conder, the youngest, was under articles to queror down to the present period: he his brother. They resided in Portland- briefly adverted to the code established street, Oxford-street, and moved in the by the ancient Druids; slightly glanced same orbit as the Tauntons-hence their at the principles laid down by the Athemutual dislike. If the Miss Briggses ap- nian lawgivers; and concluded with a peared in smart bonnets, the Miss Taun- most glowing eulogiurn on pic-nics and tons eclipsed them with smarter. If Mrs. constitutional rights. Taunton appeared in a cap of all the hues Mr. Alexander Briggs opposed the moof the rainbow, Mrs. Briggs forthwith tion. He had the highest esteem for Mtr. mounted a toque, with all the patterns of Percy Noakes as an individual, but he did a kaleidescope. If Miss Sophia Taunton consider that he ought not to be intrusted learnt a new song, two of the Miss Brigg- with these immense powers-(oh, oh!)ses came out with a new duet. The He believed that in the proposed capacity'auntons had once gained a temporary Mr. Percy Noakes would not act fairly, triumph with the assistance of a harp, impartially, or honourably; but he begged but the Briggses brought three guitars it to be distinctly understood, that he said into the field, and effectually routed the this without the slightest personal disreenemy. There was no end to the rivalry spect. Mr. Hardy defended his honourbetween them. able friend, in a voice rendered partially Now, as Mr. Samuel Briggs was a mere unintelligible by emotion and brandy-andmachine, a sort of self-acting legal walk- water. The proposition was put to the ing-stick; and as the party was known to vote, and there appearing to be only one have originated, however remotely, with dissentient voice, Mr. Percy Noakes was Mrs. Taunton, the female branches of the declared duly elected, and took the chair Briggs family had arranged that Mr. accordingly. Alexander should attend instead of his The business of the meeting now probrother; and as the said Mr. Alexander ceeded with great rapidity. The chairwas deservedly celebrated for possessing man delivered in his estimate of the proall the pertinacity of a bankruptcy-court bable expense of the excursion, and every attorney, combined with the obstinacy of one present subscribed his proportion that pleasing animal which browses upon thereof. The question was put that the thistle-he required but little tuition. "The Endeavour" be hired for the occaHe was especially enjoined to make him- sion; Mr. Alexander Briggs moved as an self as disagreeable as possible; and, amendment, that the word "Fly" be subabove all, to black-ball the Tauntons at stituted for the word "Endeavour;" but every hazard. after some debate consented to withdraw The proceedings of the evening were his opposition. The important ceremony opened by Mr. Percy Noakes.'After of balloting then commenced. A tea successfully urging upon the gentlemen caddy was placed on a table in a dark present the propriety of their mixing corner of the apartment, and every one some brandy-and-water, he briefly stated was provided with two backgammon men, the object of the meeting, and concluded one black and one white. by observing that the first step must be The chairman with great solemnity the selection of a chairman, necessarily then read the following list of the guests possessing some arbitrary-he trusted not whom he proposed to introduce: —,Mrs. unconstitutional - powers, to whom the Taunton and two daughters, Mr. Wizzle, personal direction of the whole of the ar- Mr. Simson. The names were respecr'mgemnents (subject to the approval of tively balloted for, and Mrs. Taunton and THE STEAM EXCURSION. 205 ber daughters were declared to be black- be. Sunday passed over, and Mr. Percy balled.. Mr. Percy Noakes and Mr. Hardy Noakes became unusually fidgety-rushexchanged glances. ing constantly to and from the Steam "Is your list prepared, Mr. Brigg's " Packet Wharf to the astonishment of the inquired the chairman. clerks, and the great emolument of the "It is," replied Alexander, delivering Holborn cabmen. Tuesday arrived, and in the following:-'lMrs. Briggs and the anxiety of Mr. Percy Noakes knew three daughters, Mr. Samuel Briggs." no bounds: he was every instant running The previous ceremony was repeated, and to the window to look out for clouds; and Mrs. Briggs and three daughters were Mr. Hardy astonished the whole square declared to be black-balled. Mr. Alexan- by practising a. new comic song for the der Briggs looked rather foolish, and the occasion, in the chairman's chambers. remainder of the company appeared some- Uneasy were t e slumbers of r. what overawed by the mysterious nature Percy Noakes that night: he tossed and of the proceedings, tumbled about, and had confused dreams The balloting proceeded; but one little of steamers starting off; and gigantic circumstance which Mr. Percy Noakes clocks with the hands pointing to a quarhad not originally foreseen, prevented the ter past nine, and the ugly face of Mr. system working quite as well as he had Alexander Briggs looking over the boat's anticipated-every body was black-balled. side, and grinning as if in derision of his Mr. Alexander Briggs, by way of retalia- fruitless attempts to move. He made a tion, exercised his power of exclusion in violent effort to get on board, and awoke. every instance, and the result was, that The bright sun was shining cheerfully after three hours had been consumed in into the bed-room, and Mr. Percy Noakes incessant balloting, the names of only started up for his watch, in the dreadful three gentlemen were found to have been expectation of finding his worst dreams agreed to. In this dilemma, what was to realized. be done? either the whole plan must fall It was just five o'clock. He calculated to the ground, or a compromise must be the time-he should be a good half-hour effected. The latter alternative was pre- dressing himself; and as it was a lovely ferable; and Mr. Percy Noakes, there- morning, and the tide would be then runfore, proposed that the form of balloting ning down, he would walk leisurely to should be dispensed with, and that every Strand-lane, and have a boat to the Cusgentleman should merely be required to tom-house. state whom he intended to bring. The He dressed himself, took a hasty apoproposal was readily acceded to; the Idgy for a breakfast, and sallied forth. Tauntons and the Briggses were rein- The streets looked as lonely and deserted stated, and the party was formed. as if they had been crowded over-night The next Wednesday was fixed for the for the last time. Here and there an eventful day, and it was unanimously re- early apprentice, with quenched-looking solved that every member of the com- sleepy eyes, was taking down the shut-. mittee should wear a piece of blue sarse- ters of a shop; and a policeman or milk. net ribbon round his left arm. It appear- woman might occasionally be seen Dacrng ed from the statement of Mr. Percy slowly along; the servants nad not yet Noakes, that the boat belonged to the begun to clean the doors, or light the General Steam Navigation Company, ard tires, and London looked the picture of was then lying off the Custom-house; and desolation.': At the corner of a bye-street, as he proposed that the dinner and wines near Temple-bar, was stationed a "street should be provided by an eminent city breakfast." The coffee was boiling over purveyor, it was arranged that Mr. Percy a charcoal fire, and large slices of bread Noakes should be on board by seven and butter were piled one upon the other, o'clock to superintend the arrangements, like deals in a timber-yard. The comand that the remaining members of the pany were seated on a form, which, with committee, together with the company a view both to security and comfort, was generally, should be expected to join her placed against a neighbouring wall. Two by nine o'clock. More brandy-and-water young men, whose uproarious mirth and was despatched; several speeches were disordered dress bespoke the conviviality made by the different law students pre- of the preceding evening, were treating sent; thanks were voted to the chairman, three "ladies" and an Irish labourer. A and the meeting separated, little sweep was standing at a short disThe weather had been- beautiful up to tance, casting a longing eye at the temptthis period, and beautiful it continued to ing delicacies; and a policeman was 206 SKETCHES BY BOZ. watching the group from the opposite side "She does, indeed," replied the manaof the street. The wan looks and gaudy ger, in a state of ecstasy which it is imfinery of the wretched thinly-clad females, possible to describe. The deck was scrubcontrasted as strangely with the gay sun- bed, and the seats were scrubbed, and light, as did their forced merriment with there was a bench for the band, and a the boisterous hilarity of the two young place for dancing, and a pile of campmen, who now and then varied their stools, and an awning; and then Mr. amusements by "bonneting" the proprie- Percy Noakes bustled down below, and tor of this itinerant coffee-house. there were the pastrycook's men, and the Mr. Percy Noakes walked briskly by, steward's wife laying out the dinner on and when he turned down Strand-lane, two tables the whole length of the cabin; and caught a glimpse of the glistening and then Mr. Percy Noakes took off his water, he thought he had never felt so coat, and rushed backwards and forwards, important or so happy in his life. doing nothing, but quite convinced he was "Boat, sir!" cried one of the three assisting every body; and the steward's watermen who were mopping out their wife laughed till she cried, and Mr. Percy boats, and all whistling different tunes. Noakes panted with the violence of his "Boat, sir!" exertions. And then the bell at London" No," replied Mr. Percy Noakes, rather bridge wharf rang, and a Margate boat sharply; for the inquiry was not made in was just starting, and a Gravesend boat a manner at all suitable to his dignity. was just starting, and people shouted, and "Would you prefer a wessel, sir I" in- porters ran down the steps with luggage quired another, to the infinite delight of that would crush any men but porters; the "Jack-in-the-water." and sloping boards, with bits of wood Mr. Percy Noakes replied with a look nailed on them, were placed between the of the most supreme contempt. outside boat and the inside boat, and the "Did you want to be put on board a passengers ran along them, and looked steamer, sir?" inquired an old fireman- like so many fowls coming outof an area; waterman, very confidentially. He was and then the bell ceased, and the boards dressed in a faded red suit, just the colour were taken away, and the boats started; of the cover of a very old Court-guide. and the whole scene was one of the most " Yes, make haste —the Endeavour — delightful bustle and confusion that can off the Custom-house." be imagined. "Endeavour!" cried the man who had The time wore on; half-past eight convulsed the "Jack" before. "Vy, I o'clock arrived; the pastrycook's men see the Endeavour go up half an hour went ashore; the dinner was completely ago." laid out, and Mr. Percy Noakes locked " So did I," said another; " and I should the principal cabin, and put the key into think she'd gone down by this time, for his pocket, in order that it might be sudshe's a precious sight too full of ladies denly disclosed in all its magnificence to and gen'lmen." the eyes of the astonished company. The Mr. Percy Noakes affected to disregard band came on board, and so did the wine. these representations, and stepped into Ten minutes to nine, and the committee the boat, which the old man, by dint of embarked in a body. There was Mr. scrambling, and shoving, and grating, had Hardy in a blue jacket and waistcoat, brought up to the causeway. "Shove white trousers, silk stockings, and pumps; her off," cried Mr. Percy Noakes, and habited in full aquatic costume, with a away the boat glided down the river, Mr. straw hat on his head, and an immense Percy Noakes seated on the recently telescope under his arm; and there was mopped seat, and the watermen at the the young gentleman with the green stairs offering to bet him any reasonable spectacles, in nankeen inexplicables, with sum that he'd never reach the "Custum- a ditto waistcoat and bright buttons, like lus." the pictures of Paul - not the saint, but "Herc she is, by Jove!" said the de- he of Virginia notoriety. The remainder lighted Percy, as they ran alongside the of the committee, dressed in white hats, Endeavour. light jackets, waistcoats, and trousers, "Hold hard!" cried the steward over looked something between waiters and the side, and Mr. Percy Noakes jumped West India planters. on board. Nine o'clock struck, and the company " Hope you'l11 incd every thing as you arrived in shoals. Mr. Samuel Briggs, wished, sir. She looks uncommon well Mrs. Briggs, and the Misses Briggs-made this morning." their appearance in a smart private THE STEAM EXCURSION. 207 wherry. The three guitars, in their re- fierce air with which the gallant captain spective dark-green cases, were carefully regarded the company, had impressed her stowed away in the bottom of the boat, with a high senseof his importance. accompanied by two immense portfolios Boat after boat came alongside, and of music, which it would take at least a guest after guest arrived. The invites week's incessant playing to get through. had been excellently arranged, Mr. Percy The Tauntons arrived at the same mo- Noakes having considered it as important ment with more music, and a lion —a that the number of voung men should gentleman with a bass voice and an in- exactly tally with that of the young ladies, cipient red moustache. The colours.of as that the quantity of knives on board the Taunton party were pink; those of should be in precise proportion to the the Briggses a light blue. The Taun- forks. tons had artificial flowers in their bon- "Now, is every one on board " inquired nets; here the Briggses gained a decided Mr. Percy Noakes. The committee (who, advantage-they wore feathers. with their bits of blue ribbon, looked as " How d'ye do, dear " said the Misses if they were all going to be bled) bustled Briggs to the Misses Taunton. (The about to ascertain the fact, and reported word " dear" among girls is frequently that they might safely start. synonymous with " wretch.") " Go on," cried the master of the boat "Quite well, thank you, dear," replied from the top of one of the paddle-boxes. the Misses Taunton to the Misses Briggs; "Go on," echoed the boy, who was and then there was such a hissing, and stationed over the hatchway to pass the congratulating, and shaking of hands, as directions down to the engineer; and would induce one to suppose that the two away went the vessel with that agreeable families were the best friends in the noise which is peculiar to steamers, and world, instead of each wishing the other which is composed of a pleasant mixture overboard, as they most sincerely did. of creaking, gushing, clanging, and snortMr. Percy Noakes received the visiters, ing. and bowed to the strange gentleman, as " Hoi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ioi-o-i if he should like to know who he was. -i i!" shouted half-a-dozen voices This was just what Mrs. Taunton wanted. from a boat about a quarter of a mile Here was an opportunity to astonish the astern. Briggses. "Ease her!" cried the captain: " do "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the these people belong to us, sir'?" general of the Taunton party, with a "Noakes," exclaimed Hardy, who had careless. air. - " Captain Helves — Mr. been looking at every object, far and near, Percy Noakes Mrs. Briggs —Captain through the large telescope, "it's the IHelves." Fleetwoods and the Wakefields-and two Mr. Percy Noakes bowed very low; children with them, by Jove I" the gallant captain did the same with all " What a shame to bring children!" due ferocity, and the Briggses were clear- said every body; " how very inconsiderly overcome. ate!" "Our friend, Mr. Wizzle, being unfor- "I say, it would be a good joke to pretunately prevented from coming," re- tend not to see'em, wouldn't it?" sugsumed Mrs. Taunton, "I did myself the gested Hardy, to the immense delight of pleasure of bringing the captain, whose the company generally. A council of musical talents I knew would be a great war was hastily held, and it was resolved acquisition." that the new comers should be taken on " In the name of the committee I have board, on Mr. Hardy's solemnly pledging to thank you for doing so, and to offer you himself to tease the children during the a most sincere welcome, sir," replied whole of the day. Percy. (Here the scraping was renew- "Stop her!" cried the captain. ed.) "But pray be seated —won't you "Stop her!" repeated the boy; whizz walk aft Captain, will you conduct Miss went the steam, and all the young ladies, Taunton - Miss Briggs, will you allow as in duty bound, screamed in concert. me 3" They were only appeased by the assurance "Where could they have picked up of the martial Helves, that the escape of that military man 1" inquired Mrs. Briggs steam consequent on stopping a vessel of Miss Kate Briggs, as they followed the was seldom attended with any great Toss little party. of human life. "I can't imagine," replied Miss Kate, Two men ran to the side, and after a bursting with vexation; for the very good deal of shouting, and swearing, and 208 SKETCH-ES BY BOZ. angling for the wherry with a boat-hook, expressed his hope that some of their MIr. Fleetwood, and Mrs. Fleetwood, and musical friends would oblige the company Master Fleetwood, and MAr. Wakefield, by a display of their abilities. and Mrs. Wakefield, and Miss Wakefield, "Perhaps,' he said in a very insinuatwere safely deposited on the deck. The ing manner, " Captain Helves will oblige girl was about six years old, the boy about us." Mlrs. Taunton's countenance lightfour; the former was dressed in a white ed up, for the captain only sang duets, fiock with a pink sash and a dog's-eared- and could n't sing them with any body but looking little spencer, a straw bonnet and one of her daughters. green veil, six inches by three and a half: " Really," said that warlike individual, the latter was attired for the occasion in " I should be very happy, but —a nankeen frock, between the bottom of "Oh! pray do," cried all the young which and the top of his plaid socks a ladies. considerable portion of two small moottled " iss Sophia, have you any objection legs was discernible. He had a light to join in a duet?" blue cap with a gold band and tassel on "Oh! not the slightest," returned the his head, and a damp piece of ginger- young lady, in a tone which clearly showbread in his hand, with which he had ed she had the greatest possible objecslightly embossed his dear little counte- tion. nance. "Shall I accompany you, dear?" inThe boat once more started off; the quired one of the Miss Briggses, with the band played "Off she goes;" the major bland intention of spoiling the effect. part of the company conversed cheerfully "Very much obliged to you, Miss in groups, and the old gentlemen walked Briggs," sharply retorted Mrs. Taunton, up and down the deck in pairs, as per- who saw through the manceuvre; "my severingly and gravely as if they were daughters always sing without accompanidoingr a match against time for an im- ments." mense stake. They ran briskly down the "And without voices," tittered Mrs. Pool; the gentlemen pointed out the Briggs, in a low tone. Docks, the Thames Police-office, and "Perhaps," said Mrs. Taunton, reddenother elegant public edifices; and the ing', for she guessed the tenor of the obyoung ladies exhibited a proper display servation, though she had not heard it of horror and bashiflness at the appear- clearly 6 Perhaps it would be as well ance of the coal-whippers and ballast- for some people, if their voices were not heavers. Mr. Hardy told stories to the quite so audible as they are to other peomarried ladies, at which they laug(hed ple." very much in their pocket-handkerchiefs, "And perhaps, if gentlemen, who are and hit him on the knuckles with their kidnapped to pay attention to some per fans, declaring him to be "a naughty man sons' daughters, had not sufficient discern - a shocking creature" — and so forth; ment to pay attention to other persons and Captain Helves gave slight descrip- daughters," returned Mrs. Briggs, "some tions of battles and duels, with a most persons would not be so ready to display bloodthirsty air, which made him the ad- that ill-temper, which, thank God, disniration of the women, and the envy of tinguishes them fiom other persons." the men. Quadrilling commenced; Cap- " Persons!" ejaculated Mrs. Taunton. tain Helves danced one set with Miss " Yes; persons, ma'am," replied Mrs. Emily Taunton, and another set with Miss Briggs. Sophia Taunton. Mrs. Taunton was in " Insolence!" ecstasies. The victory appeared to be "Creature!" complete; but, alas! the inconstancy of "Hush! hush!" interrupted Mr. Percy man! Having performed this necessary Noakes, who was one of the very few by duty, he attached himself solely to Miss whom this dialogue had been overheard. Julia Briggs, with whom he danced no " Hush! —pray silence for the duet." less than three sets consecutively, and After a great deal of preparatory crowfrom whose side he evinced no intention ing and humming, the captain began the of stirring for the remainder of the day. following duet from the opera of Paul Mr. Hardy having played one or two and Virginia, in that orunting tone in very brilliant fantasias on the Jews'-harp, which a man gets down, H-eaven knows and having frequently repeated the ex- where, without the remotest chance of quisitely anmusing joke of slily chalking ever getting up ag'ain. This, in private a large cross on the ba:k of some mem- circles, is frequently designaied "' a oDas her of the committee, Mr. Percy Noakes voice." YfL' I 11 );i'lj 1 C; " ITI n 1,1: 1'' 'I c Iijii:I! -- u II i;i,~ ^3'SpeEWanPi:~ i i y,\\\-'c ~ i,II::~: r ZiB,... _lslk~-;"/3jIiL;~lt%LSEi4P C` i? I~;1:'ii: ili TIHE STEAMA EXCUiRS I ON. 2f09'See (sung the captain) fiom o-ce-nan ri-sing tain sang so loud that he had not the Bright flames the or-) of d-ay. slightest idea of what was beingo done by From yon gro-ve, the varied so-ngs e " u his partner. Aftelr havillo gone tlhrouoh Here the singoer was interrupted by the last few eighteen or nineteen bars by varied cries of the most dreadful descrip- himself, therefore, he acknowledged the tion, proceeding from some grove in the plaudits of the circle with that air of selfimmediate vicinity of the starboard pad- denial which men always assuine when die-box. they think they have done sornething to " My child!" screamed Mrs. Fleetwood. astonish the company, though they do n't " y child! it is his voice- know it." exactly know lhat. Mr. Fleetwood, accompanied by several " Now," said 1r. Percy Noakes, who gentlemen, here rushed to the quarter had just ascended fiom the fore-cabin, from whence the noise proceeded, and an where he had been busily engaged in deexclamation of horror burst from the comn- canting the wine, "if the Misses Briggs pany; the general impression being, that will oblige us with something before dinthe little innocent had either got his head ner, I am sure we shall be very much dein the water, or his legs in the machinery. lighted." "VWhat is the matter?" shouted the One or those. hums of admiration folagonized father, as he returned with the lowed the sugepstion which one frequentchild in his arms. ly hears in society, when nobody has the "Oh! oh! oh!" screamed the small most distant notion of what he is expressuflerer afgain. sing his approval of. The three Misses "What is the matter, dear " inquired Biigigs looked modestly at their mamma, the father once more-hastily strippinr and the mamma looked approvingly at her -iff the nankeen fiock, for the purpose of daughters, and Mrs. Taunton looked scornascertainingr whether the child had one fully at all of them. The Misses Bri ggs bone which was not smashed to pieces. asked for their guitars, and several gen"Oh! oh! I'm so frightened." tlemen seriously damaged the cases in "What at, dear?-Swhat at?" said the their anxiety to present them. Then mother, soothing the swTeet infant. there was a very interesting production "' Oh! he's been making such dreadful of three little keys for the aforesaid cases, faces at me," cried the boy, relapsing into and a melo-dramatic expression of horror convulsions at the bare recollection. at finding a stringo broken; and a vast He! who," cried every body, crowd- deal of screwing and tighteni-ng, and ing round him. winding and tuning, during which Mrs.' Oh!-him," replied the child, point- Briggs expatiated to those near her on the ing at Hardy, who affected to be the most immense difficulty of playing a guitar, concerned of the whole group. and hinted at the wondrous proficiency The real state of the case at once flash- of her daughters in that mystic art. Mrs. ed upon the minds of all present, with the Taunton vwhispered to a neighbour that it exception of the Fleetwoods and the was "quite siclening!" and the Misses Wakefields. The facetious Hardy, in Taunton tried to look as if they knew fulfilment of his promise, had watched how to play, but disdained to do so. the child to a remotel part of the vessel, At length the Misses Briggs began in and, suddenly appearing before him with real earnest. It was a new Spanish comthe most awful contortions of visage, had position, for three voices and three guiproduced his paroxysm of (terror. Of tars. bThe effect was electrical. All course, he now observed that it was hard- eyes were turned upon the captain, who ly necessary for him to deny the accusa- was reported to have once passed throug': tion; and the unfortunate little victim was Spain with his regiment, and who, of accordingly led below, after receiving course, must be well acquainted with the sundry thumps on the head from both his national music. He was in raptures. parents, for having the wickedness to tell This was sufficient; the trio was encored a story. -the applause was universal, and nevel This little interruption having been had the Tauntons suffered such a cornadjusted, the captain resumed and Miss plete defeat. Emily chimed in, in due course. The "Bravo! bravo!" ejacu;atea the cap duet was loudly applauded, and, certainlt, tai,- ":ravo!" the perfect indepeed.uce or the parties "Pretty! isn't it, sir?" inquired lir. aeserved great commendation. Miss Samuel Briggs,'with the air of a selfEmily sung her part without the slight- satisfied showman. By the by, these est reference to the ca.ptain, and the cap- were the first words he had been )searn 18* 21B 210 SKETCHtES BY BOZ. to titter since he left Boswell-court the He drew me aside, and, with an expresevening before. sion of agony I shall never forget, said in " De-lightful!" returned the captain, a low whisper —" with a flourish, and a military cough; — "Dinner's on the table, ladies," inter"de-lightful!" rupted the steward's wife. " Sweet instrument!" said an old gen- "Will you allow me?" said the captleman with a bald head, who had been tain, immediately suiting the action to the trying all the morning to look through a word, and escorting Miss Julia Briggs to telescope, inside the glass of which Mr. the cabin, with as much ease as if he had Hardy had fixed a large black wafer. finished the story. "Did you ever hear a Portuguese tam- "What an extraordinary circumstance!" barine?" inquired that jocular individual. ejaculated the same old gentleman, pre"Did you ever hear a tom-tom, sir?" serving his listening attitude. sternly inquired the captain, who lost no "What a traveller!" said the young opportunity of showing off his travels, ladies. real or pretended. "What a singular name!" exclaimed "A what! " asked Hardy, rather taken the gentlemen, rather confused by the aback. coolness of the whole affair. "A tom-tom." "I wish he had finished the story," said "Never!" an old lady. "I wonder what a gum" Nor a gum-gum 3" gum really is!" "Never!" " By Jove!" exclaimed Hardy, who "What is a gum-gumn" eagerly in- until now had been lost in utter amazequired several young ladies. ment, " I do n't know what it may be in " When I was in the East Indies," re- India, but in England I think a gum-gum plied the captain, (here was a discovery has very much the same meaning as a -he had been in the East Indies!)- humbug." " when I was in the East Indies, I was "How illiberal! how envious!" said once stopping a few thousand miles up every body, as they made for the cabin, the country, on a visit at the house of a fully impressed with a belief in the capvery particular friend of mine, Ram tain's amazing adventures. Helves was Chowdar Doss Azuph Al Bowlar -a the sole lion for the remainder of the day devilish pleasant fellow. As we were -impudence and the marvellous are sure enjoying our hookahs one evening in the passports to any society. cool verandah in fiont of his villa, we The party had by this time reached were rather surprised by the sudden ap- their destination, and put about on their pearance of thirty-four of his Kit-ma-gars return home. The wind, which had been (for he had rather a large establishment with them the whole day, was nowdirectthere,) accompanied by an equal number ly in their teeth; the weather had become of Consumars, approaching the house with gradually more and more overcast; and a threatening aspect, and beating a tom- the sky, water, and shore, were all of that tom. The Ram started up"- dull, heavy, uniform lead-colour, which " The who?" inquired the bald gentle- house-painters daub in the first instance mian, intensely interested. over a street-door which is gradually apT'he Rain-Ran Chowdar-" preaching a state of convalescence. It Oh!" said the old g'entleman, "I beg had been " spitting" with rain for the last your pardon; it really did n't occur to half-hour, and now began to pour in good me; pray go on." earnest. The wind was freshening very "-Started up and drew a pistol. fast, and the waterman at the wheel had'Helves,' said he,'my boy,'-he always unequivocally expressed his opinion that called me, my boy —' Helves,' said he, there would shortly be a squall. A slight do you hear that tom-tom?' — I do,' said emotion on the part of the vessel now and 1. His countenance, which before was then, seemed to.suggest the possibility of pale, assumed a most frightful appearance; its pitching to a very uncomfortable exhi[ whole visage was distorted, and his tent in the event of its blowing harder; flame shaken by violent emotions.' Do and every timber began to creak as if the you see that gum-gum?' said he.'No,' boat were an overladen clothes-basket. said I, staring about me.'You do n't' Sea-sickness, however, is like a belief in said he.' No, I'll be damned if I do,' ghosts-every one entertains some missaid I;'and what.'s more, I don't know givings on the subject, but few will ac-,hat a gum-gum is,' said 1. I really knowledge them. The majority of the thought the man would have dropped. company, therefore, endeavoured to looli ~,:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;!i,Y/ 7,/ ~xr/y /7/i>^-; ^);j2 >1 t&~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_1 THE STEAM EXCURSION. 211 peculiarly happy, feeling all the while from table without the slightest ostensible especially miserable. reason, and dart up the steps with incredi"Do n't it rain?" inquired the old gen- ble swiftness, thereby greatly damaging tleman before noticed, when, by dint of both himself and the steward, who hap. squeezing and jamming, they were all pened to be coming down at the same seated at table. moment. "I think it doe's-a little," replied Mr. The cloth was removed; the dessert Percy Noakes, who could hardly hear was laid on the table, and the glasses himself speak, in consequence of the pat- were filled. The motion of the boat intering on the deck. creased; several members of the party "Don't it blow?" inquired some one began to feel rather vague and misty, and else. looked as if they had only just got up. "No — do n't think it does," responded The young gentleman with the spectacles, Hardy, sincerely wishing that he could who had been in a fluctuating state for persuade himself it did not, fbr he sat some time-one moment bright, and annear the door, and was almost blown off other dismal, like a revolving light on the his sat. sea-coast —rashly announced his wish to " It'll soon clear up," said Mr. Percy propose a toast. After several ineffectual Noakes, in a cheerful tone. attempts to preserve his perpendicular, "Oh, certainly!" ejaculated the corm- the young gentleman, having managed to mittee generally. hook himself to the centre leg of the "No doubt of it," said the remainder table with his left hand, proceeded as folof the company, whose attention was now lows: pretty well engrossed by the serious busi- " Ladies and gentlemen.-A gentleman ness of eating, carving, taking wine, and is among us-I may say a stranger-(here so forth. some painful thought seemed to strike the The throbbing motion of the engine orator; he paused, and looked extremely was but too perceptible. There was a odd) whose talents, whose travelS, whose large, substantial cold boiled leg of mut- cheerfulness " ton at the bottom of the table, shaking "I beg your pardon, Edkins," hastily like blanc-mange; a hearty sirloin of beef interrupted Mr. Percy Noakes.-" Hardy, looked as if it had been suddenly seized what's the matter!" with the palsy; and some tongues, which "Nothing," replied the' funny gentlewere placed on dishes rather too large man,' who had just life enough left to for them, were going through the most utter two consecutive syllables. surprising evolutions, darting from side "Will you have some brandy?" to side, and from end to end, like a fly in "No," replied Hardy, in a tone of great aninverted wine-glass. Then the sweets indignation, and looking about as comshook and trembled till it was quite im- fortable as Temple-bar in a Scotch mist, possible to help them, and people gave up " what should I want brandy for!" the attempt in despair; and the pigeon- "Will you go on deck 1" pies looked as if the birds, whose legs "No, I will not." This was said with were stuck outside, were trying to get a most determined air, and in a voice them in. The table vibrated and started which might have been taken for an imilike a feverish pulse, and the very legs tation of any thing; it was quite as much were slightly convulsed-every thing like a guinea-pig as a bassoon. was shaking and jarring. The beams in "I beg your pardon, Edkins," said the the roof of the cabin seemed as if they courteous Percy; "I thought our friend were put there for the sole purpose of was ill. Pray go on." giving people headaches, and several A pause. elderly gentlemen became ill-tempered "Pray go on." in consequence. As fast as the steward - "Mr. Edkins is gone," cried somebody. put the fire-irons up, they vould fall down "I beg your pardon, sir," said the. again; and the tnore the ladies and gen- steward, running up to Mr. Percy Noakes, tlemen tried to sit comfortably on their "I beg your pardon, sir, but the gentleseats, the more the seats seemed to slide man as just went on deck-him with the away from the ladies and gentlemen. green spectacles-is uncommon bad, to be Several ominous demands were made for sure; and the young man as played the small glasses of brandy; the countenan- wiolin says, that unless he has some ces of the company gradually underwent brandy he can't answer for the consequen the most extraordinary changes; and one ces. He says he has a wife and two chil. gentleman was observed suddenly to rush dren, whose werry subsistence depends 212 SKETCHES BY BOZ. on his breaking a wessel, and that he ex- possibly have espoused, if it had not unpects to do so every moment. The fortunately happened that Mr. Samuel flaogeolet's been very ill, but he's better, arrested him in the way of business, puronly he's in such a dreadful pruspera- suant to instructions received from Messrs. tion." Scroggins and Payne, whose town debts All disgnuise vas now useless; the com- the gallant captain had condescended to pany staogered on deck, the gentlemen collect, but whose accounts, with the intried to see nothing but the clouds, and discretion so peculiar to military minds, the ladies, muffled up in such shawls and he had omitted to keep with that dull cloaks as they had brought with them, accuracy which custom has rendered laid about on the seats and under the necessary. Mrs. Taunton complains that seats, in the most wretched condition. she has been much deceived in him. He Never was such a blowing, and raining, introduced himself to the family on board and pitching, and tossing, endured by any a Gravesend steam-packet, and certainly, pleasure party before. Several remon- therefore, ought to have proved respectstrances were sent down below on the able. subject of Master Fleetwood, but they Mr. Percy Noakes is as light-hearted were totally unheeded in consequence of and careless as ever. We have described the indisposition of his natural protectors. him as a general favourite in his private That interesting child screamed at the circle, and trust he may find a kindlyvery top of his voice, until he had no disposed friend or two in public. voice left to scream with, and then Miss Wakefield began, and screamed for the -- remainder of the passage. Mr. Hardy was observed some hours CHAPTER VIII. afterwards in an attitude which induced his friends to suppose that he was busily THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL. engaged in contemplating the beauties of the deep; they only regretted that his THE little town of Great Winglebury taste for the picturesque should lead him is exactly forty-two miles and three quarto remain so long in a position, very in- ters from Hyde Park corner. It has a jurious at all times, but especially so to long, straggling, quiet High-street, with an individual labouring under a tendency a great black and white clock at a small of blood to the head. red Town-hall, half-way up —a marketThe party arrived off the Custom-house place-a cage-an assembly-room- a at about two o'clock on the Thursday church-a bridge —a chapel a theatre morning-dispirited and worn out. The -a library-an inn-a pump —and a Tauntons were too ill to quarrel with the Post-office. Tradition tells of a "Little Brigogses, and the Briggses were too Winglebury" down some cross-road about wretched to annoy the Tauntons. One two miles off; and as a square mass of of the guitar-cases was lost on its pas- dirty paper, supposed to have been origisage to a hackney-coach, and Mrs. Briggs nally intended for a letter, with certain has not scrupled to state that the Taun- tremulous characters inscribed thereon, tons bribed a porter to throw it down an in which a lively imagination might trace area. Mr. Alexander Briggs opposes vote a remote resemblance to the word "Litby ballot-he says fiom personal experi- tie," was once stuck up to be owned in ence of its inefficacy; and Mr. Samuel the sunny window of the Great WinglqBriggs, whenever he is asked to express bury Post-office, frorm which it only dishis sentiments on the point, says that he appeared when it fell to pieces with dust has no opinion on that or any other sub- and extreme old age, there would appear ject. to be some. foxndlalon for the legend. Mr. Edkins -the young gentleman ins Common belief is inclined to bestow the the green soectalces- laiaes a speech on name upon a little hole at the end of a every occasion on which a speech can muddy lane about a couple of miles long, possibly be made, the eloquence of which colonized byone wheelwright, four paucan only be equalled by its length. In pers, and a beer-shop; but even this anthe event of his not being previously ap- thority, slight as it is, must be regarded pointed to a judgeship, it is most probable with extreme suspicion, inasmuch as the that he will practise as a barrister in the inhabitants of the hole aforesaid concur New Central Criminal Court. in opining that it never had any name at Captain Ielves continued his attention all, from the earliest ages down to the to Miss Julia Briggs, whom he might present (lay. THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL. 213 The Winglebury Armns in the centre of in the zenith of its dulness, and, with the the High-street, opposite the small build- exception of these few idlers, not a living ing with the big clock, is the principal inn creature was to be seen. Suddenly the of Great Winglebury — the commercial loud notes of a key-bugle broke the mnoinn, posting-house, and excise-office; the notonous stillness of the street; in came " Blue" house at every election, and the the coach, rattling over the uneven paving Judyes' house at every assizes. It is the with a noise startling enough to stop even head-quarters of the Gentlemen's Whist the large-faced clock itself. Down got Club of WVinolebury Blues (so called in the outsides, up went the windows in all opposition to the Gentlemen's Whist Club directions; out came the waiters, up of Winglebury Bufis, held at the other started the ostlers, and the loungers, and house, a little further down); and when- the post-boys, and the ragged boys, as if ever a juggler, or wax-work man, or con- they were electrified - unstrapping, and cert-giver, takes Great Winglebury in his uncamining, and unbuckling, and dragging circuit, it is imrediately placarded all willingo horses out, and forcing reluctant over the town that Mr. So-and-so, "trust- horses in, and making a most exhilarating ing to that liberal support whhih the in- bustle. " L, dy inside, Iere," said the habitants of Great Winoglebury have long uard. " lea.se to alight, ma'am," said been so liberal in bestowing, has at a great the waiter. Private sitting-room?" inexpense engaged the eleo ant and cornmo- terrogated the lady. Certainly, ma'am," dious assembly-rooms, attached to the responded the chambermaid. "Nothing Winglebury Arms." The house is a large but these'ere trunks, ma'am q" inquired one, with a red brick and stone front; a the guard. " Nothing more,' replied the pretty spacious hall ornamented with lady. Up got the outsides again, and the evergreen plants, terminates in a perspec- guard, and the coachman; off came the tive view of the bar, and a glass case, in cloth-s with a jerk —"All right" was the which are displayed a choice variety of cry; and away they went. The loungers delicacies ready for dressing, to catch the lingered a minute or two in the road, eye of a new-comer the moment lie enters, watching the coach till it turned the cor. and excite his appetite to the highest pos- ner, and then loitered away one by one. sible pitch. Opposite doors lead to the IThe street was clear again, and the town, "coffee" and " commercial" roonms; and by contrast, quieter than ever. a great wide, rambling staircase,-three "Lady in number twenty-five," stairs and a landing-four stairs and an- screamed the landlady.-' Thomas!" other landing-one step and another land- " Yes, ma'am." ing-half a dozen stairs and another land- "Letter just been left for the gentleing-and so on-conducts to galleries of man in number nineteen.-Boots at the bedrooms, and labyrinths of sitting-rooms, Lion left it.-No answer." denominated " private," where you may " Letter for you, sir," said Thomas, deenjoy yourself as privately as you can in positing the letter on number nineteen's any place where some bewildered being table. or other walks into your room every five "For me?" said number nineteen, minutes by mistake, and then walks out turning from the window, out of which he again, to open all the doors along the gal- had been surveying the scene we have lery till he finds his own. just described. Such is the Winglebury Arms at this "Yes, sir, (waiters always speak in day, and such was the Wiinglebury Arms hints, and never utter complete senteices) some time since-no matter when-two -yes, sir,-Boots at the Lion, sir —Bar, or three minutes before the arrival of' the sir —Missis said number nineteen, si — London stage. Four horses with cloths Alexander Trott, Esq., sir — YOUI card on-change for a coach-were standing at the bar, sir, I think, sir?' quietly at the corner of the yard, sur- " My name is Trott," roeplied number rounded by a listless group of post-boys in nineteen, breaking the seal. " You may shiny hats and smock frocks, engaged in go, waiter" The waiter pulled down the discussing the merits of the cattle; half a window-blind, and then pulled it up again dozen ragged boys were standing a little -for a regular waiter must do something apart, listening with evident interest to before he leaves the room-adjusted the the conversation of these worthies; and a glasses on the sideboard, brushed a place few loungers were collected round the which was cot dusty, rubbed his hands horse-trough, awaiting the arrival of the very hard, walked stealthily to the dolor, coach. and evaporated. The day was hot and sunny, the town There was evidently somnething in th] 214 SKETCHES BY BOZ. Lontents of the letter of a nature, if not shudder) I'm as good as dead. I've seen wholly unexpected, certainly extremely him hit the man at the Pall-mall shooting disagreeable. Mr. Alexander Trott laid gallery, in the second button-hole of the it down and took it up again, and walked waistcoat five times out of every six, and about the room on particular squares of when he didn't hit him there, he hit him the carpet, and even attempted, though in the head." And with this consolatory very unsuccessfully, to whistle an air. It reminiscence, Mr. Alexander Trott again wouldn't do. He threw himself into a ejaculated, "What shall I do3?" chair and read the following epistle aloud: Long and weary were his reflections as burying his face in his hands, he sat "leat Lion ad Somah-wWarmeer, ruminating on the best course to be purGreat We dnesday Morg sued. His mental direction-post pointed M' S, esdau1orning. " SgIR, "eedMrig to London. He thought of "the govern"Immediately on discovering your or'sanger, and the loss of the fortune intentions, I left our counting-house, and which he paternal Brown had promised followed you. Iknowthe purport ofyour the paternal Trott his daughter should journey: -that journey shall never be contribute to the coffers of his son. Thei. completed. the words " To Brown's" were legibly in"I have no friend here just now, on scribed on the said direction-post, but Howhose secrecy I can rely. This shall be race Hunter's denunciation run in his no obstacle to my revenge. Neither shall ears; last of a it bore, in red letters, the Emily Brown be exposed to the mercenary words, "To Stifun's Acre;"and then Mr. solicitations of a scoundrel, odious in her Alexander Trott decided on adopting a eyes, and contemptible in everybody else's: plan hich he presently matued. nor will I tamely submit to the clandes- First and foremost he despatched the tine attacks of a base umbrella-maker. under-boots to the Blue Lion and Stomach"Sir,-fromGreatWingleburyChurch, warmer, with a gentlemanly note to Mr. a footpath leads through four meadows to Horace Hunter, intimating that he thirsted a retired spot known to the townspeople for his destruction, and would do himself as Stiffun's Acre (Mr. Trott shuddered). the pleasure of slaughtering him next I shall be waiting there alone, at twenty morning without fail. He then wrote minutes before six o'clock to-morrow morn- another letter, and requested the attending. Should I be disappointed of seeing ance of the other boots-for they kept a you there, I will do myself the pleasure pair. A modest knock at the room-door of calling with a horsewhip. was heard-" Come in," said Mr. Trott. "H ORACE HUNTER. A man thrust in a red head with one eye in it; and being again desired to "come "PS. There is a gunsmith's in the in," brought in the body and legs to which High-street; and they won't sell gunpow-the head belonged, and a fur cap which der after dark-you understand me. belonoed to the head. " PPS. You had better not order your breakfast in the morning till you have iqui red tr. Trott. seen me. It may be an unnecessary ex- quire r. rott. spensme. I mab nuncsa a " Yes, I am the upper-boots," replied a p'auen~se. ~voice from inside a velveteen case with 6Desperate-minded villain! I knew mother-of pearl buttons-" that is, I'm the how it would be!" ejaculated the terrified boots as longs to the house; the other Trott. " I always told father, that once man's my man, as goes errands and does start me on this expedition, and Hunter odd jobs-top-boots and hal-boots I calls would pursue me like the wandering Jew. us It's bad enough as it is, to marry with the "You're from London 1" inquired Mr. old people's BDIpmands, and without the Trott. girl's consent; but what will Emily think " Driv a cab once," was the laconic of'me, if I go down there, breathless with reply. running away from this infernal salaman- " Why don't you drive it now V" asked der? What shall I do What can I do? Mr. Trott. If I go back to the city, I'm disgraced for "Cos I over-driv the cab, and driv over ever-lose the girl, and what's more lose a'ooman," replied the top-boots, with brethe money too. Even if I did go on to vity. the Brown's by the coach, Hunter would "Do you know the mayor's house?" the afte me in a post-chaise; and if I go inquired Trott. to this place, this Stiffun's Acre, (another "Rather," replied the boots, signifi THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL. 215 cantly, as if he had some good reason to cious waiters, to the door of number remember it. twenty-five. "Do you think you could manage to "Show the gentleman in," said the leave a letter there V" interrogated Trott. stranger lady, in reply to the foremost "Shouldn't wonder," responded boots. waiter's announcement. The gentleman "But this letter," said Trott, holding a was shown in accordingly. deformed note with a paralytic direction The lady rose from the sofa; the mayor in one hand, and five shillings in er advanced a step f the door, and there -" this letter is anonymous." they both paused for a minute or two, "A-whatt1" interrupted the boots. looking at one another as if by mutual "A-whatnony m he's n ots to know who consent. The mayor saw before him a cAnonymo-he' snot to know who -it, buxom richly dressed female of about comes from." forty; and the lady looked upon; a sleek "Oh! I see," responded the rig'lar, man about ten years older, in drab shorts with a knowing wink, but without evinc- nd continuations, black coat, neckloth, ing the slightest disinclination to under- and gloves. take the charge-" I see-bit o' sving, "Miss Julia Manners!" exclaimed the eh!" and his one eye wandered round the mayor at length, "you astonish me." room as if in quest of a dark lantern and." That's very unfair of you, Overton," phosphorus-box. " But I say," he conti- replied Miss Julia, for I have known you nued, recalling the eye from its search, long enough not to be surprised at any and bringing it to bear on Mr. Trott —" I thing you do, and you might extend equal say, he's a lawyer, our mayor, and insured courtesy to me." in the County. If you've a spite agen "But to run away-actually run away him, you'd better not burn his house down -with a young man!" remonstrated the -blessed if I don't think it would be the mayor mayor. greatest favour you could do him." And You would not have me actually run he chuckled inwardly. away with an old one, I presume," was If Mr. Alexander Trott had been in any the cool rejoinder. other situation, his first act would have " And then to ask me-me-of all the been to kick the man down stairs by de- people in the world-a man of my age puty; or, in other words, to ring the bell, and appearance-mayor of the town-to and desire the landlord to take his boots promote such a scheme!" pettishly ejacuoff. He contented himself, however, with lated Joseph Overton; throwing himself doubling the fee and explaining that the into an arm-chair, and producing Miss letter merely related to a breach of the Julia's letter from his pocket, as if to corropeace. The top-boots retired, solemnly borate the assertion that he had been asked. pledged to secrecy; and Mr. Alexander "Now, Overton," replied the lady, imTrott sat down to a fried sole, maintenon patiently, "I want your assistance in the" cutlet, Madeira, and sundries, with much matter, and I must have it. In the lifegreater composure than he had experi- time of that poor old dear, Mr. Cornberry, enced since the receipt of Horace Hun- who-who-" ter's letter of defiance. "Who was to have married you, and The lady who alighted from the London didn't, because he died first; and who left coach had no sooner been installed in you his property unencumbered with the number twenty-five, and made some alter- addition of himself," suggested the mayor, ation in her travelling-dress, than she in- in a sarcastic tone. dited a note to Joseph Overton, esquire, "Well," replied Miss Julia, reddening solicitor, and mayor of Great Winglebury, slightly, " in the life-time of' the poor old requesting his immediate attendance on dear, the property had the encumbrance private business of paramount importance of your management; and all I will say -a summons which that worthy func- of that is, that I only wonder it didn'tdie tionary lost no time in obeying; for after of consumption instead of its master. You sundry openings of his eyes, divers ejacu- helped yourself then:-help me now." lations of " Bless me!" and other mani- Mr. Joseph Overton was a man of the festations of surprise, he took his broad- world, and an attorney; and as certain brimmed hat from its accustomed peg in indistinct recollections of an odd thousand his little front office, and walked briskly pounds or two, appropriated by mistake, down the High-street to the Winglebury passed across his mind, he hemmed depreArms; through the hall and up the stair- catingly, smiled blandly, remained silent case of which establishment he was ush- for a few seconds; and finally inquired? ered by the landlady, and a crowd of offi- "What do you wish me to do'' 216 SKETCHES BY BOZ. "I'll tell you," replied Miss Julia- "Then how am I to know?" inquired "' I'll ell you in three words. Dear Lord the mayor. " Ofcourse he will not give Peter-" his own name at the bar." "That's the young man, I suppose —" "I begged him, immediately on his interrupted the mayor. arrival, to write you a note,"replied Miss "That's the young nobleman," replied Manners; "and to prevent the possibility the lady, with a great stress on the last of our project being discovered through word. "Dear Lord Peter is considerably its means, I desired him to write anonyafraid of the resentment of his family; mously, and in mysterious terms to acand we have therefore thought it better to quaint you with the number of his room." make the match a stolen one. He left "God bless me!" exclaimed the mayor, town to avoid suspicion, on a visit to his:rising fiom his seat, and searching his friend, the Honourable AurEustus Flair, pockets —"most extraordinary circumwhose seat, as you know, is about thirty stance-he has arrived-mysterious note miles from this, accompanied only by his left at my house in a most mysterious favourite tiger. We arranged that I manner, just before yours-didn't know should come here alone in the London what to make of it before, and certainly coach; and that he, leaving his tiger and shouldn't have attended to it.-Oh! here cab behind him, should come on, and it is." And Joseph Overton pulled out arrive here as soon as possible this after- of an inner coat-pocket the identical letnoon." ter penned by Alexander Trott. " Is this "Very well," observed Joseph Overton, his lordship's hand?" "and then he can order the chaise, and "Oh yes," replied Julia; "good, punec you can go on to Gretna-Green together, tual creature! I have not seen it more without requiring the presence or inter- than once or twice, but I know he writes ference of a third party, can't you " very badly and very large. These dear. "No," replied Miss Julia. "We have wild young noblemen, you know Overevery reason to believe-dear Lord Peter ton —" not being considered very prudent or saga- "Ay; ay, I see," replied the mayor.cious by his friends, and they having dis- "'Horses and dogs, play and winecovered his attachment to me-that im- grooms, actresses, and cigars,-the stable, mediately on his absence being observed, the green-room, the brothel, and the tavpursuit will be made in this direction:''to ern; and the legislative assembly at last." elude which, and to prevent our being "IHere's what he says," pursued the traced, I wish it to be understood in this mayor; Sir,-A young gentleman in house, that dear Lord Peter is slightly number nineteen at the Winglebury deranged, though perfectly harmless; and Arms, is bent on committing a rash act that I am, unknown to him, waiting his to-morrow morning at an early hour. arrival to convey him in a post chaise to (That's good-he means marrying.) If a private asylum-at Berwick, say. If I you have any regard for the peace of this don't show myself much, I dare say I can town, or the preservation of one-it may manage to pass for his mother.' be two-human lives'-What the deuce The thought occurred to the mayor's does he mean by that?" mind that the lady might show herself a'" That he's so anxious for the ceremony, good deal without fear of detection; see- he will expire if it's put off and that I ing that she was about double the age of may possibly do the same," replied the her intended husband. He said nothing, lady with great complacency. however, and the lady proceeded- -" Oh! I see-not much fear of that;" With the whole of this arrangement, well — two human lives, you will cause dear Lord Peter is acquainted: and all I him to be removed to-night. (He wants want you to do is, to make the delusion to start at once.) Fear not to do this on more complete by giving it the sanction your responsibility: for to-morrow, the of your influence in this place, and assign- absolute necessity of the proceeding will ing this as a reason to the people of the be but too apparent. Remember: number bhouse for my taking the young genleman nineteen. The name is Trott. No deaway. As it would not be consistent lay; for life and death depend upon your with the story that I should see him until promptitude.'-Passionate language, cerafter he has entered the chaise, I also tainly.-Shall I see him 3" wish you to communicate with him, and "Do'," replied Miss Julia; "and entreat inobrm hin that it is all going on well." him to act his part well. I am half afraid "Has he arrived?'" inquired Overton. of him. Tell him to be cautious." " I don't know," replied the lady. " I will," said the mayor. THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL. 217 6 Settle all the arrangements.t " Bless me!" exclaimed Trott, in an i will," said the mayor again, agony of apprehension, " can such things " And say I think the chaise had better happen in a country like this? Such unoe ordered for one o'clock." relenting and cold-blooded hostility!" He *" Very well," cried the mayor once wiped off the concentrated essence of more; and ruminating' on the absurdity cowardice that was oozing fast down his.)f the situation in which fate and old ac- forehead, and looked aghast at Joseph quaintance had placed him, he desired a Overton. waiter to herald his approach to the tern- " It certainly is a very hard case," reporary representative of number nineteen. plied the mayor with a smile, " that, in a The announcement-"Gentleman to free country, people can't marry whom speak with you, sir," induced Mr. Trott they like without being hunted down as to pause half-way in the glass of port, the if they were criminals. However, in the contents of which he was in the act of present instance the lady is willing, you imibibing at the moment; to rise from his know, and that's the main point, after all." chair, and retreat a few paces towards "Lady willing!" repeated Trott, methe window, as if to secure a retreat in chanically — How do you know the lady's the event of the visiter assuming the willingo " form and appearance of Horace Hunter. "Come, that's a good one,"' said the One glance at Joseph Overton, however, mayor, benevolently tapping Mr. Trott quieted his apprehensions. He courte- on the arm with his broad-brimmed hat. ously motioned the stranger to a seat. " I have known her well for a long time, The waiter, after a little jingling with the and if anybody could entertain the redecanter and glasses, consented to leave motest doubt on the subject, I assure you the room; and Joseph Overton placing 1 have none, nor need you." the broad-brimmed hat on the chair next " Dear me!" said MIr. Trott, ruminathim, and bending his body gently forward, ing-"' Dear me!-this is very extraordiopened the business by saying in a very nary!" low and cautious tone, " Well, Lord Peter," said tie mayor, "' My lord-" rising. "L Eh?" said Mr. Alexander Trott in a " Lord Peter!" repeated Mi. Trott. very loud key, with the vacant and mys- "Oh ah, I forgot; well, Mr. Trott, tified stare of a chilly somnambulist. then-Trott-very good, ha! ha! — ell, " Hush-hush!" said the cautious at- sir, the chaise shall be ready at half-past torney: "to be sure-quite right-no ti- twelve." ties here-my name is Overton, sir." "And what is to become of me till 6" Overton!" then " inquired Mr. Trott, anxiously. " Yes: the mayor of this place-you " Wouldn't it save appearances if I were sent ne a letter with anonymous informa- placed under some restraint?" tion, this afternoon." "Ah!'" replied Overton, "very good " 1, sir?" exclaimed Trott with ill-dis- thought-capital idea indeed. I'll send sembled surprise; for, coward as he was, somebody up directly. And il you make he would willingly have repudiated the a little resistance when we put you in the authorship of the letter in question. ~" I, chaise it wouldn't be amiss-look as if you sir i" didn't want to be taken away, you know." " Yes, you, sir; did you not 3" responded "To be sure," said Trott-" to be sure." Overton, annoyed with what he supposed "Well, my lord," said Overton, in a to be an extreme degree of unnecessary low tone, " till then, I wish your lordship suspicion. " Either this letter is yours, or a good evening." it is not. If it be, we can converse se- "Lord-lordship!" ejaculated Trott curely upon the subject at once. If it be again, falling back a step or two, and not, of course, I have no more to say." gazing in unutterable wonder on the " Stay, stay," said Trott, " it is mine; I countenance of the mayor. did write it. What could I do, sir'? I " Ha-ha! I see, my lord practising the had no friend here." madman — very good indeed-very var"To be sure -to be sure," said the cant look-capital, my lord, capital-good mayor, encouragingly, "you could not evening, Mr.-Trott-ha! h! ha! ha!" have managed it better. Well, sir; it " That mayor's decidedly drunk," soliwill be necessary for you to leave here loquised Mr. Trott, throwino himself back to-ni ait in a post-chaise and four. And in his chair, in an attitude of refection. the harder the boys drive, the better. You "H-e is a much cleverer fellow than are not safe from pursuit here." thought him, that youn'o noblbeman — i he 19 2C 218 ESKETCHES BY BOZ. carries it off uncommonly well,' thought alarmed. " Leave the room, sir, and tell Overton, as lie wended his way to the bar, them to send somebody else." there to complete his arrangements. This " Won't do!" replied the boots. was soon done: every word of the story Leave the room!9 shouted Trott, was implicitly believed, and the one-eyed ringing the bell violently; for he began boots was imlnediately instructed to re- to be alarmed on a new score. pair to number nineteen, to act as custo- " Leave that'ere bell alone, you dian of the person of the supposed lunatic wretched loo-nattic!" said the boots, suduntil half-past twelve o'clock. In pursu- denly forcing the unfortunate Trott back ance of this direction, that somewhat ec- into his chair, and brandishing the stick centric gentleman armed himself with a aloft. "Be quiet, you mis'rable object, walking-stick of gigantic dimensions, and and don't let everybody know there's a repaired wVith his usual equanimity of: madman in the house." manner to Mr. Trott's apartment, which I He is a madman! Ie is a madman he entered without any ceremony, and exclaimed the terrified Mr. Trott, gazing mounted guard in, by quietly depositingc on the one eye of the red-headed boots hintself upon a chair near the door, where with a look of abject horror. he proceeded to beguile the time by whis- 6 Madman!" replied the boots - tling a popular air with great apparent " dam'me, I think he is a madman with a satisfaction. vengeance! Listen to me, you unfort'nate. " What do you want here, you scoun- Ah! would you? [a slight tap on the drel -" exclaimed Mr. Alexander T-rott, head with the large stick, as Mr. Trott with a proper appearance of indignation made another move towards the bell-hanat his detention. dle] I caught you there! did I'" The boots beat time with his head, as " Spare my life I" exclaimed Trott, he looked gently round at Mr. Trott with raising his hands imploringly. a smile of pity, and whistled an adagio "I don't want your life," replied the movement. boots, disdainfully, "t6 hough I think it'ud "Do you attend in this room by Mr. be a charity if somebody took it." Overton's desire?" inquired Trott, rather " No, no, it wouldn't," interrupted pool astonished at the man's demeanour. Mr. Trott, hurriedly; ", no, no, it wouldn't! "Keep yourself to yourself, young fel- II —'d rather keep it!" ler," calmly responded the boots, " and "60 werry well," said the boots; " that's don't say nothin' to nobody." And he a mere matter of taste-ev'ry one to his whistled again. liking. Hows'ever, all I've got to say is "Now mind," ejaculated Mr. Trott, this here: You sit quietly down in that anxious to keep up the farce of wishing chair, and I'll sit hoppersite you here, and with great earnestness to fight a duel if if you keep quiet and don't stir; I won't they'd let him-" I protest against being damage you; but if you move hand or kept here. I deny that I have any inten- foot till half-past twelve o'clock, I shall tion of fighting with anybody. But as it's alter the expression of your countenance useless contending with superior numbers, so completely, that the next time you look I shall sit quietly down." in the glass you'll ask vether you're gone " You'd better," observed the placid out of town, and ven you're likely to come boots, shlaino'the large stick express- back again. So sit down." ively. "I will —I vill, responded the victim "Under protest, however," added Alex- of mistakes; and down sat Mr. Trott, and ander Trott, seating- himself, with indig- down sat the boots too, exactly opposite nation in his face but great content in his him, with the stick ready for immediate heart. 66 Under protest." action in case of emergency. "Oh, certainly!" responded the boots; Long and dreary were the hours that 66 anything you please. If you're happy, followed. The bell of Great Winglebury I'm transported; only dont talk too much church had just struck ten, and two hours — it'll make you worse." and a half would probably elapse before "Make me worse!' exclaimed Trott, succour arrived. For half an hour the in unfeigened astonishment: "the man's noise occasioned by shutting up the shops drunkl!" in the street beneath betokened something " You'd better be quiet, young feller," like life in the town, atnd rendered Mr.,emarked the boots, going through a most Trott's situation a little less insupportable, hllreatening piece of pantomime with the but when even these ceased, and nothinl Qtick. was heard beyond the occasional rattling " Or ma" sid M aid r. Trott, athe of a post-chaise as it drove up the yard ZTTMF i. -- AN tr~~~~~~~~~~A THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL. 219 to change horses, and then drove away "it's. horrible. The very recollection again, or the clattering of horses' hoofs in makes me shudder. I'd rather fight four the stables behind, it became almost un- duels in three hours if I survived the first bearable. The boots occasionally moved three, than I'd sit for that time face to an inch or two, to knock superfluous bits face with a madman." of wax off the candles, which were burn- "Keep it up, as you go down stairs," ing low, but instantaneously resumed his whispered Overton, "your bill is paid, and former position; and as he remembered your portmanteau in the chaise." And to have heard somewhere or other that then he added aloud, "Now, waiters, the the human eye had an unfailing effect in gentleman's ready." controlling mad people, ke kept his soli- At this signal the waiters crowded tary organ of vision constantly fixed on round Mr. Alexander Trott. One took Mr. Alexander Trott. The unfortunate one arm, another the other, a third walked individual stared at his companion in his before with a candle, the fourth behind turn, until his features grew more and with another candle; the boots and Mrs. more indistinct-his hair gradually less Williamson brought up the rear, and down red-and the room more misty and ob- stairs they went, Mr. Alexander Trott scure. Mr. Alexander Trott fell into a expressing alternately at the very top of sound sleep, from which he was awakened his voice either his feigned reluctance to by a rumbling in the street, and a cry of- go, or his unfeigned indignation at being "Chaise-and-four for number twenty-five!" shut up with a madman. A bustle on the stairs succeeded; the Mr. Overton was waiting at the chaiseroom-door was hastily thrown open; and door, the boys, were ready mounted, and a Mr. JosephOverton entered, followed by few ostlers and stable nondescripts were four stout waiters, and Mrs. Williamson, standing round to witness the departure the stout landlady of the Winglebury of "the mad gentleman." Mr. Alexander Arms. Trott's foot was on the step, when he ob"Mr. Overton!" exclaimed Mr. Alex- served (which the dim light had prevented ander Trott, jumping up in a frenzy of his doing before) a human figure seated in passionate excitement —" Look at this man, the chaise, closely muffled up in a cloak sir; consider the situation in which I have like his own. been placed for three hours past-the per- "Who's that?" he inquired of Overton, son you sent to guard me, sir, was a mad- in a whisper. man-a madman —a raging, ravaging, "Hush, hush," replied the mayor; "the furious madman." other party of course." "Bravo!" whispered Overton. - The other party!" exclaimed Trott, "Poor dear!" said the compassionate with an effort to retreat. Mrs. Williamson, "mad people always "Yes, yes; you'll sooi find that out, thinks other people's mad." before you go far, I should think but " Poor dear!" ejaculated Mr. Alexander make a noise, you'll excite suspicion if Trott; " what the devil do you mean by you whisper to me so much." poor dear! are you the landlady of this "I won't go in this chaise," shouted house?" Mr. Alexander Trott, all his original fears "Yes, yes," replied the stout old lady, recurring with tenfold violence. " I shall 6 do n't exert yourself, there's a dear- be assassinated-I shall be-" consider your health, now; do." "Bravo, bravo," whispered Overton. " Exert myself!" shouted Mr. Alexan- "I'11 push you in." der Trott, "it's a mercy, ma'am, that I "But I won't go," exclaimed Mr. Trott. have any breath to exert myself with; I "Help here, help! they're carrying me might have been assassinated three hours away against my will. This is a ulot to ago by that one-eyed monster with the murder me." oakum head. How dare you have a mad- "Poor dear!" said Mrs. Williamson man, ma'am —how dare you have a mad- again. man, to assault and terrify the visiters to "Now, boys, put'em along," cried the your house " mayor, pushing Trott in and slamming the "I'll never have another," said Mrs. door. "Off with you as quick as you can, Williamson, casting a look of reproach at and stop for nothing till you come to the the mayor. next stage-all right." "Capital-capital," whispered Overton "Horses are paid, Tom," screamed again, as he enveloped Mr. Alexander Mrs. Williamson; and away went the Trott in a thick travelling-cloak, chaise at the rate of fourteen miles an " Capital, sir!" exclaimed Trott, aloud, hour, with Mr. Alexander Trott and Miss 220 SKETCHES BY BOZ. Julia Manners carefully shut up in the a-yearl The lady had this, and more; inside. she wanted a young husband, and the Mr. Alexander Trott remained coiled only course open to Mr. Trott to retrieve up in one corner of the chaise, and his his disgrace was a rich wife. So, they mysterious companion in the other, for the came to the conclusion that it would be a first two or three miles; Mr. Trott edging pity to have all this trouble and expense nmore and more into his corner as he felt for nothing, and that as they were so far his companion gradually edging more and on the road already, they had better go to more from hers; and vainly endeavouring Gretna-Green, and marry each other; and in the darkness to catch a glimpse of the fu- they did so. And the very next preceding rious face of the supposed Horace Hunter. entry in the Blacksmith's book was an " We may speak now," said his fellow- entry of the marriage of Emily Brown traveller, at length; "the post-boys can with Horace Hunter. Mr. Hunter took neither see nor hear us." his wife home, and begged pardon, and "That's not Hunter's voice!"-thought was pardoned; and Mr. Trott took his Alexander, astonished. wife home, begged pardon too, and was "Dear Lord Peter!" said Miss Julia, pardoned also. And Lord Peter, who had most winningly; putting her arm on Mr. been detained beyond his time by drinking Trott's shoulder-" Dear Lord Peter. Not champagne and riding a steeple-chase, a word " went back to the Honourable Augustus "Why, it's a woman!" exclaimed Mr. Flair's, and drank more champagne, and Trott in a low tone of excessive wonder. rode another steeple-chase, and was thrown " Ah-whose voice is that 3" said Julia and killed. And Horace Hunter took great -"'t is not Lord Peter's." credit to himself for practising on the cow"No,-it's mine," replied Mr. Trott. ardice of Alexander Trott; and all these "Yours!" ejaculated Miss Julia Man- circumstances were discovered in time, ners, "a strange man! Gracious Hea- and carefully noted down; and if ever you ven-how came you here " stop a week at the Winglebury Arms, "Whoever you are, you might have they'll give you just this account of The known that I came against my will, Great Winglebury Duel. ma'anm," replied Alexander, " for I made noise enough when I got in." "Do you come from Lord Peter " inquired Miss Manners. CHAPTER IX. "Damn Lord Peter," replied Trott pettishly-" I do n't know any Lord Peter- MRS. JOSEPH PORTER. I never heard of him before to-night, when I've been Lord Peter'd by one and Lord MOST extensive were the preparations Peter'd by another, till I verily believe at Rose Villa, Clapham Rise, in the occu I'm mad, or dreaming-" pation of Mr. Gattleton (a stockbroker "Whither are we going 3" inquired the in especially comfortable circumstances), lady tragically. and great was the anxiety of Mr. Gattle"How should I know, ma'am 3" replied ton's interesting family, as the day fixed Trott with singular coolness; for the events for the representation of the Private Play of the evening had completely hardened which had been "many months in prepahim. ration," approached. The whole family "Stop! stop!" cried the lady, letting was infected with the mania for Private down the front glasses of the chaise. Theatricals; the house, usually so clean " Stay, my dear ma'am!" said Mr. Trott, and tidy, was, to use Mr. Gattleton's expulling the glasses up again with one pressive description, "regularly turned hand, and gently squeezing Miss Julia's out o' windows;" the large dining-room, waist with the other. "There is some dismantled of its furniture and ornaments mistake here; give me till the end of this presented a strange jumble of flats, flies, stage to explain my share of it. We must wings, lamps, bridges, clouds, thunder and go so far; you cannot be set down here lightning, festoons and flowers, daggers ulone, at this hour of the night." and foil, and all the other messes which The lady consented; the mistake was in theatrical slang are included under the mutually explained. Mr. Trott was a comprehensive nameof "properties." The young man, had highly promising whiskers, bedrooms were crowded with scenery, the ar undeniable tailor, and an insinuating kitchen was occupied by carpenters. Readaress-he wanted nothing but valour, hearsals took place every other night in JiC. who wants that with three thousand the drawing-room, and every sofa in the MRS. JOSEPH PORTER. 221 house was more or less damaged by the besides Fenella, and four fishermen. Then perseverance and spirit with which Mr. there's our man Tom, he can have a pair Sempronius Gattleton, and Miss Lucina, of ducks of mine, and a check shirt of rehearsed the smothering scene in "Othel- Bob's, and a red nightcap, and he'll do lo"-it having been determined that that for another-that's five. In the choruses, tragedy should form the first portion of the of course, we can sing at the sides, and in evening's entertainments. the market-scene we can walk about in "When we're a leetle more perfect, I cloaks and things. When the revolt takes think it will go off admirably," said Mr. place, Tom must keep rushing in on one Sempronius, addressing his corps drama- side and out on the other, with a pickaxe, tique, at the conclusion of the hundred as fast as he can. The effect will be and fiftieth rehearsal. In consideration electrical;'twill look exactly as if there of his sustaining the trifling inconvenience were a great number of'em; and in the of bearing all the expenses of the play. eruption scene we must burn the red fire, Mr. Sempronius had been in the most and upset the tea-trays, and hallo and handsome manner unanimously elected make all sorts of noises-and it's sure tc stage-manager. "Evans," continued Mr. do." Gattleton, jun., addressing a tall, thin, "Sure! sure!" cried all the performers pale young gentleman, with extensive una voce-and away hurried Mr. Semprowhiskers- "Evans, upon my word you nius Gattleton to wash the burnt cork off play Roderigo beautifully." his face, and superintend the "setting "Beautifully!" echoed the three Miss up" of some of the amateur-painted and Gattletons; for Mr. Evans was pronounced never-sufficiently-to-be-admired scenery. by all his lady friends to be ".quite a Mrs. Gattleton was a kind, good-temdear." He looked so interesting, and had pered, vulgar soul, exceedingly fond of her such lovely whiskers, to say nothing of husband and children, and entertaining his talent for writing verses in albums only three dislikes. In the first place, she and playing the flute! ~ The interesting had a natural antipathy to any body else's Roderigo simpered and bowed. unmarried daughters; and in the second, " But I think," added the- manager, she was in bodily fear of any thing in the "you are hardly perfect in the-fall-in shape of ridicule; and, lastly-almost a the fencing-scene, where you are you necessary consequence of this feelingunderstand." she regarded with feelings of the utmost "It's very difficult," said Mr. Evans, horror one Mrs. Joseph Porter over the thoughtfully; "I've fallen about a good way. However, the good folks of Clapdeal in our counting-house lately for prac- ham and its vicinity stood very much in tice, only I find it hurts one so. Being awe of scandal and sarcasm; and thus obliged to fall backwards, you see, it Mrs. Joseph Porter was courted, and flatbruises one's head a good deal." tered, and caressed, and invited, for very "But you must take care you don't much the same reason that a poor author, knock a wing down," said Mr. Gattleton, without a farthing in his pocket, behaves sen., who had been appointed prompter, with the most extraordinary civility to a and who took as much interest in the play twopenny-postman. as the youngest of the coinpany. "The "Never mind, ma," said Miss Emma stage is very narrow, you know." Porter, in, colloquy with her respected "Oh! don't be afraid," said Mr. Evans, relative, and trying to look unconcerned; with a very self-satisfied air: "I shall fall "if they had invited me, you know, that with my head'off,' and then I can't do neither you nor pa would have allowed me any harm." to take part in such an exhibition." "But, egad!" said the manager, rub- "Just what I should have thought from bing his hands, "we shall make a decided your high sense of propriety," returned hit in'Masaniello.' Harleigh sings that the mother. "I am glad to see, Emma, music admirably." you know how to designate the proceed. Every body echoed the sentiment. Mr. ing." Miss P., by-the-by, had only the Harleigh smiled, and looked foolish-not week before made ",an exhibition" of an unusual thing with him hummed herself for four days, behind a counter at "Behold how brightly breaks the morn- a fancy fair, to all and every of her Maing," and blushed as red as the fisherman's jesty's liege subjects who were disposed nightcap he was trying on. to pay a shilling each for the privilege of " Let's see," resumed the manager, seeing some four dozen girls flirting with telling the number on his fingers, " we strangers, and playing at shop. shall have three dancing female peasants, "There!" said Mrs. Porter, looking out 19* 222 SKETCHIES BY BOZ. of window; there are two rounds of beef and had never worn a black silk neckerand a ham going in, clearly for sand- chief; and it was his pride that he rememwiches; and Thomas, the pastrycook, says bered all the principal plays of Shakspeare there have been twelve dozen tarts or- from beginning to end and so he did. dered, besides blancmange and jellies. The result of this parrot-like accomplishUpon my word! think of the Miss Gattie- ment was, that he was not only perpetutons in fancy dresses, too!" ally quoting himself, but that he could "Oh, it's too ridiculous!" said Miss never sit by and hear a misquotation from Porter, with a sort of hysterical chuckle. " The Swan of Avon," without setting "I'll manage to put them a little out the unfortunate delinquent right. He of conceit with the business, however," was also something of a wag; never said Mrs. Porter; and away she went on missed an opportunity of saying what he her charitable errand. considered a good thing, and invariably " Well, my dear Mrs. Gattleton," said laughed till he cried at any thing that apMrs. Joseph Porter-after they had been peared to him mirth-moving or ridiculous. closeted for some time, and when by, dint "Well, girls!" said Uncle Tom, after of indefatigable pumping, she had man- the preparatory ceremony of kissing and aged to extract all the news about the how-d'ye-do-ing had been gone throughplay, —"well, my dear, people may say "how d'ye get on? Know your parts, what they please; indeed we know they ehl-Lucina, my dear, act 2, scene 1will, for some folks are so ill-natured. Ah, place, left - cue -' Unknown fate,'my dear Miss Lucina, how d'ye doT —I What's next, ha? —Go on-'The heawas just telling your mamma that I have vens —'" heard it said, that- " "Oh, yes," said Miss Lucina, "'I recol" hat i" lect-" "Mrs. Porter is alluding to the play,.' The heavens forbid my dear," said Mrs. Gattleton; "she was, But that our loves and comforts should increase I am sorry to say, just informing me Even as ourdays do grow.'" ithat ".' "Oh, now pray don't mention it," inter- " Make a pause here and there," said rupted Mrs. Porter; "it's most absurd- the old gentleman, who was a great critic quite as absurd as young What's-his-name in his own estimation.-"'But that our saying he wondered how Miss Caroline, loves and comforts should increase'-emwith such a foot and ankle, could have the phasis on the last syllable,' crease,'-loud vanity to play Fenella."'even,'-one, two, three, four; then loud " Highly impertinent, whoever said it," again,' as our days do grow;' emphasis on said Mrs. Gattleton, bridling up. days. That's the way, my dear; trust to " Certainly, my dear," chimed in the your uncle for emphasis.-Ah! Seni, my delighted Mrs. Porter; "most undoubtedly. boy, how are you?" Because, as I said, if Miss Caroline does "Very well, thankee uncle," returned play Fenella, it doesn't follow,,as a mat- Mr. Sempronius, who had just appeared, ter of course, that she should think she looking something like a ringdove, with a has a pretty foot; and then-such puppies small circle round each eye, the result of as these young men are-he had the imn- his constant corking. " Of course we see pudence to say, that " you on Thursday." How far the amiable Mrs. Porter might "Of course, of course, my dear boy." have succeeded in her pleasant purpose it "What a pity it is your nephew didn't is impossible to say, had not the entrance think of making you prompter, Mr. Balof Mr. Thomas Balderstone, Mrs. Gattle- derstone," whispered Mrs. Joseph Porter; ton's brother, familiarly called in the family "you would have been invaluable." "Uncle Tom," changed the course of con- "Well, I flatter myself; I should have versation, and suggested to her mind an been tolerably up to the thing," responded excellent plan of operation on the evening Uncle Tom. of the play. "I must bespeak sitting next you on Uncle Tom was very rich, and exceed- the night," resumed Mrs. Porter; " and ingly fond of his nephews and nieces: as then, if our dear young friends here, a matter of course, therefore, he was an should be at all wrong, you will be able object of great importance in his own to enlighten me. I shall be so interested." family. He was one of the best-hearted "I am sure I shall be most happy to men in existence; always in a good tem- give you any assistance in my power." per, and always talking. It was his boast " Mind, it's a bargain." that he wore top-boots on all occasions, "Certainly.' MRS. JOSEPH PORTER. 223 6I don't know how it is," said Mrs. sing every one else by laughing most im. Gattleton to her daughters, as they were moderately, sitting round the fire in the evening, look- Ting, ting, ting! went the prompter's ing over their parts, " but I really very bell at eight o'clock precisely, and dash much wish Mrs. Joseph Porter wasn't went the orchestra into the overture to coming on Thursday. I am sure she's "The Men of Prometheus." The pianoscheming something." forte player hammered away with the "She can't make us ridiculous, how- most laudable perseverance; and the vioever," observed Mr. Sempronius Gattle- loncello, which struck in at intervals, ton, haughtily. "sounded very well, considering." The The- long looked-for Thursday arrived unfortunate individual, however, who had in due course, and brought with it, as Mr. undertaken to play the flute accompaniGattleton, senior, philosophically observed, ment' "at sight," found, from fatal expe"no disappointments, to speak of." True, rience, the perfect truth of the old adage, it was yet a matter of doubt whether "out of sight, out of mind;" for being Cassio would be enabled to get into the very near-sighted, and being placed at a dress which had been sent for him from considerable distance from his music-book, the masquerade warehouse. It was equal- all he had an opportunity of doing was to ly uncertain whether the principal female play a bar now and then in the wrong singer would be sufficiently recovered place, and put the other performers out. frornmthe influenza to make her appear- It is, however, but justice to Mr. Brown ance; Mr. Harleigh, the Masaniello of to say that he did this to admiration. the night, was hoarse, and rather unwell, The overture, in fact, was not unlike a in consequence of the great quantity of race between the different instruments; lemon and sugar-candy he had eaten to the piano came in first by several bars, improve his voice; and two flutes and a and the violoncello next, quite distancing violoncello had pleaded severe colds. the poor flute; for the deaf gentleman What of that the audience were all too-too'd away, quite unconscious that he coming. Every body knew his part; the was at all wrong, until apprized, by the dresses were covered with tinsel and applause of the audience, that the overspangles; the white plumes looked beau- ture was concluded. A considerable bustiful; Mr. Evans had practised falling, tle and shuffling of feet was then heard till he was bruised from head to foot, and upon the stage, accompanied by whispers quite perfect; and Iago was perfectly of "Here's a pretty go!-what's to be sure that, in the stabbing-scene, he should done " &c. The audience applauded make "a decided hit." A self-taught again, by way of raising the spirits of the deaf gentleman, who had kindly offered performers; and then Mr. Sempronius to bring his flute, would be a most valt- desired the prompter, in a very audible able addition to the orchestra; Miss Jen- voice, to " clear the stage, and ring up." kins's talent for the piano was too well Ting, ting, ting! went the bell again. known to be doubted for an instant: Mr. Every body sat down; the curtain shook, Cape had practised the violin accompa- rose sufficiently high to display several niment with her frequently, and Mr. pair of yellow boots paddling about, and Brown, who had kindly undertaken at a there it remained. few hours' notice, to bring his violon- Ting, ting, ting! went the bell again. cello, would, no doubt, manage extremely The curtain was violently convulsed, but well. rose no higher; the audience tittered; Seven o'clock came, and so did the Mrs. Porter looked at Uncle Tom, and audience; all the rank and fashion of Uncle Tom looked at every body, rubbing Clapham and its vicinity was fast filling his hands, and laughing with perfect rapthe theatre. There were the Smiths, the ture. After as much ringing with the Gubbinses, the Nixons, the Dixons, the little bell as a muffin-boy would make in Hicksons, people with all sorts of names, going down a tolerably long street, and a two aldermen, a sheriff in perspective, vast deal of whispering, hammering, and Sir Thomas Glumper (who had been calling for nails and cord, the curtain at knighted in the last reign for carrying up length rose, and discovered Mr. SempIoan address on somebody's escaping from nius Gattleton solus, and decked for something); and last not least, there were Othello. After three distinct rounds of Mrs. Joseph Porter and Uncle Tom, seated applause, during which Mr. Sempronius in the centre of the third row from the applied his right hand to his left breast, stage; Mrs. P. amusing Uncle Tom with and bowed in the most approved manner, all sorts of stories, and Uncle Tom ainu- the manager advanced, and said. — 224 SKETCHES BY BOZ. "Ladies and Gentlemen-I assure you it "Is that right 3" whispered Mrs. Por" s with sincere regret, that I regret to be ter to Uncle Tom. compelled to inform you, that Iago who was "No." to have played Mr.Wilson-I beg your par- Tell him so then." don, Ladies and Gentlemen, but I am naturally somnewhat agitated (applause)- wlle-Im! calledoutUncle onm, mean, Mr. Wilson, who was to have played "that's wrong, myoy. w-o, is that is, has been-or, in other "Whats wrong, uncle " demanded words, Ladies and Gentlemen, the fact is Othello, quite forgetting the dignity of his that I have just received a note, in which situation. I am informed that lairo is unavoidably " You've left out something.'True I detained at the Post-office this evening, have married'" Under these circumstances, I trust-a- "Oh, ah!" said Mr. Sempronius, ena - amateur performance - a - another deavouring to hide his confusion as much gentlemen undertaken to read the part- and as ineffectually as the audience atrequest indulgence for a short time- tempted to conceal their half-suppressed courtesy and kindness of a British audi- tittering, by coughing with the most exence"-(overwhelming applause). Exit traordinary violenceMr. Sempronius Gattleton, and curtain falls. - l-s.' true, I have married her; The audience were, of course, exceed- The very head and front of my offending ingly good-humoured; the whole business Hath this extent: no more." was a joke, and accordingly they waited for an hour with the utmost patience, being enlivened by an interlude of route- (Aside.) " hy don't you prompt, facakes and lemonade. It appeared by Mr. ther " Sempronius's subsequent explanation, that "Because I've mislaid my spectacles," the delay would not have been so great, said poor Mr. Gattleton, almost dead with had it not so happened that when the sub- the heat and bustle. stitute lago had finished dressing, and "There, now its'rude am I,'" said just as the play was on the point of com- Uncle Tom. mencing, the original lgo unexpectedly " Yes, I know it is," returned the unarrived. The former was therefore com- fortunate manager, proceeding with his pelled to undress, and the latter to dress part for his part; which, as he found some It would be useless and tiresome to difficulty in getting into his clothes, occu- uote t ube o sances in hic,i ed niquote the num ber of instances in which tied no inconsiderable time. At last the'-led noicnie A atteUncle Tom, now completely in his eletragedy began in real earnest. It went. ment, and instigated by the mischievous off well enough, until the third scene of eted the mis e o the first act, in which Othello addresses Mrs. Pormers sufice it to saytat havthe performers; suffice it to say, that havthe Senate, the only remarkable circum- is hobby, nothing could ining mounted hls hobby, nothing could instance being, that as Iago could not get du im to dismount; so, during the duce him to dismount; so, during the on any of the stage boots, in consequence whole remainder of the play, he performed of his feet being violently swelled with thee,.n < a kind of runninog accompaniment, by heat and excitement, he was under the a kind of r g ao muttering everybody's partas it was being necessity of playing the part in a pair of ee in an under tone. The audin common hessians, which contrasted rather ence ere highly amused, Ms. Porer oddly with his richly-embroidered panta-formers embarrssed; loa. W n O l s e wh hs delighted, the performers embarrassed; loons. When Othello started with his Uncle Tom never was better pleased in address to the Senate (whose dignity was r nep all his life; and Uncle Tom's nephews represented by, the Duke; a carpenter, and nieces had never, although the de two men engaged on the recommendation ared heirs to his large property, so of' the gardener, and a boy) Mrs. Porter.. of te ardener, and a boy) rs. Porter heartily wished him gathered to his fafound the opportunity she so anxiously thers 5 on that memorable occasion. thers as on that memorable occasion. soughlt. iMrr. Sempronius proceeded- Several other minor causes, too, united to damp the ardour of the dramatis per' Most putent, grave, and reverend signiors, son&a. None of the performers could walk My very noble and approved good masters,- in their tights, or move their arms in thei. I'hat I have a'en away this old man's daughter, jackets; the pantaloons were too small, it is most true;-rude am I in my speech "' the boots too large, and the swords of ail MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 225 shapes and sizes. Mr. Evans, naturally too tall for the scenery, wore a black vel- HAPTER X. vet hat with immense white plumes, the glory of which was lost in "the flies;" PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF MR. WATINE and the only other inconvenience of which TOTTLE. was, that when it was off his head he could not put it on, and when it was on he couldChaper the First. not take it off. Notwithstanding all his MATRIMONY is proverbially a serious practice, too, he fell with his head and undertaking. Like an overweening preshoulders as neatly through one of the dilection for brandy-and-water, it is a side scenes, as a harlequin would jump misfortune into which a man easily falls, through a panel in a Christmas pantomime. and from which he finds it remarkably The pianoforte player, overpowered by the difficult to extricate himself. It is no use extreme, heat of the room, fainted away telling a man who is timorous on these at the commencement of the entertain- points that it is but one plunge, and all is ments, leaving the music of" Masaniello" over. They say the same thing at the to the flute and violoncello. The orches- Old Bailey, and the unfortunate victims tra complained that Mr. Harleigh put derive about as much comfort from the them out, and Mr. Harleigh declared that assurance in the one case as in the other. the orchestra prevented his singing at all. Mr. Watkins Tottle was a rather unThe fishermen, who were hired for the common compound of strong uxorious inoccasion, revolted to the very life, posi- clinations, and an unparalleled degree of tively refusing to play without an in- anti-connubial timidity. He was about creased allowance of spirits; and their fifty years of age; stood four feet six demand being complied with, they got inches and three-quarters in his socksdrunk in the eruption scene as naturally for he never stood in stockings at allas possible., The red fire, which was plump, clean, and rosy. He looked someburnt at the, conclusion of the second act, thing like a vignette to one of Richardnot only nearly suffocated the audience, son's novels, and had a clean-cravatish but nearly set the house on fire into the formality of manner, and kitchen-pokerbargain; and, as it was, the remainder ness of carriage, which Sir Charles of the piece was acted in a thick fog. Grandison himself might have envied. He lived on an annuity, which was well In short, the whole affair was, as Mrs. adapted to the individual who received it, Joseph Porter triumphantly told every- in one respect-it was rather small. le body, "a complete failure." The audi- received it in periodical payments on ence went home at four o'clock in the ^every alternate Monday; but he ran himmorning, exhausted with laughter, suffer- self out about a day after the expiration ing from severe headaches, and smelling of the first week as regularly as an eightterribly of brimstone and gunpowder. day clock, and then, to make the compaThe Messrs. Gattleton, senior and junior,ison complete, his landlady wound him retired to rest with the vague idea of p, he went on with a regular tick emigratingy to Swan River earlyin the up, and he went on with a regular tick. emigrating to Swan Rver early in the Mr. Watkins Tottle had long lived in ensuing week. a state of single blessedness, as bachelors Rose Villa has once again resumed its say, or single cursedness, as spinsters wonted appearance: the dining-room fur- think; but the idea of matrimony had niture has been replaced; the tables are never ceased to haunt him. Wrapt in as nicely polished as formerly; the horse- profound reveries on this never-failing hair chairs are ranged against the wall as theme, fancy transformed his small parlour regularly as ever; Venetian blinds have in Cecil-street into a neat house in the been fitted to every window in the house suburbs-the half-hundred weight of coals to intercept the prying gaze of Mrs. Jo- under the kitchen-stairs suddenly sprang seph Porter. The subject of theatricals up into three tons of the best Wails-end — is now never mentioned in the Gattleton his small French bedstead was converted family, unless, indeed, by Uncle Tom, who into a regular matrimonial four-postercannot refrain from sometimes expressing and on the empty chair on the opposite his surprise and regret at finding that his side of the fireplace, imagination seated a nephews and nieces appear to have lost beautiful young lady with a very little the relish they once possessed for the independence or will of her own, and a beauties of Sliakspeare, and quotations very large independence under a will of from the works of the immortal bard. her father's. 2D 223 SKETCHES BY BOZ. " Who's there?" inquired Mr. Watkins their glasses, and charge them in the bill. lottle, as a gentle tap at his room-door The application was successful-the spidisturbed those meditations one evening' rits were speedily called;-not from "the "Tottle, my dear fellow, how do you vasty deep," but the adjacent wine-vaults. do 1" said a short elderlygentleman with The two short gentlemen mixed their a gruffish voice, bursting into the room, grog; and then sat cosily down before the and replying to the question by asking fire-a pair of shorts, airing themselves. another; and then they shook hands with "Tottle," said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, a great deal of solemnity. "you know my way-off-hand, open, say "Told you I should drop in some even- what I mean, mean what I say, damn reing," said the short gentleman, as he de- serve, and can't bear affectation. One is livered his hat into Tottle's hand, after a a bad domino which only hides what good, little struggling and dodging. "Delighted people have about'em, without making to see you, I'm sure," said Mr. Watkins the bad look better; and the other is much Tottle, wishing internally, that his visiter -about the same thing as pinking a white had "dropped in" to the Thames at the cotton stocking to make it look like a silk bottom of the street, instead of dropping one.-Now listen to what I'm going to into his parlour. The fortnight was say." nearly up, and Watkins was hard up. Here the little gentleman paused, and "How is Mrs. Gabriel Parsons?" in- took a long pull at his brandy-and-water. quired Tottle. Mr. Watkins Tottle took a sip of his, " Quite well, thank you," replied Mr. stirred the fire, and assumed an air of Gabriel Parsons, for that was the name profound attention. the short gentleman revelled in. Here "It's no use humming and ha'ing about there was a pause; the short gentleman the matter," resumed the short gentlelooked at the left hob of the fireplace, and man.-" You want to get married-don't Mr. Watkins Tottle stared vacancy out you'" of countenance. " Why,"-replied Mr. Watkins Tottle, " Quite well," repeated the short gen- evasively; for he trembled violently, and tleman, when five minutes had expired. felt a sudden tingling throughout his'I may say remarkably well," and he whole frame-" why-I should certainly rubbed the palms of his hands together as -at least, I think I should like it." hard as if he were going to strike a light "Won't do," said the short gentleman. by friction. -" Plain and free-or there's an end of "What will you take." inquired Tot- the matter-Do you want money " tie, with the desperate suddenness of a You know I do." man who knew that unless the visiter "You admire the sex 1" took his leave he stood very little chance "I do." of taking anything else. "And you'd like to be married?" "Oh, I don't know. Have you any "Certainly." whiskey?" "Then you shall be.-There's an end "Why," replied Tottle, very slowly, of that." And thus saying, Mr. Gabriel for all this was gaining time, "I hadisome Parsons took a pinch of snuff, and mixed capital, and remarkably strong whiskey another glass. last week; but it's all gone-and therefore "Let me entreat you to be more exits strength —— " planatory," said Tottle.-" Really, as the "Is much beyond proof; or, in other party principally interested, I cannot conwords, impossible to be proved," said the sent to be disposed of in this way." short gentleman; and he laughed very "I'11 tell you," replied Mr. Gabriel heartily, and seemed quite glad the whis- Parsons, warming with the subject, and key had been drunk. Mr. Tottle smiled' the brandy-and-water.-"I know a ladybut it was the smile of despair. When she's stopping with my wife now-who Mr. Gabriel Parsons had done laughing, is just the thing for you.-Well educated; lie delicately insinuated that, in the ab- talks French; plays the piano; knows a sence of whiskey he would not be averse good deal about flowers and shells, and all to brandy. And Mr. Watkins Tottle, that sort of thing; and has five hundred lighting a flat candle very ostentiously, a-year, with an uncontrolled power of dis. and displaying an immense key, which posing of it, by her last will and testabelonged to the street-door, but which, for ment." the sake of appearances, occasionally did "'1'11 pay my addresses to her," said duty in an imaginary wine-cellar, left the Mr. Watkins Tottle. -" She is n't very room to entreat his landlady to charge young-is she " MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 227 "Not very; just the thing for you.- "I think so, too," said Mr. Watkins I've said that already." Tottle; "certainly." "What coloured hair has the lady " "And then the other night-I never inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle. laughed so much in my life," resumed Mr. "Egad! I hardly recollect," replied Ga- Gabriel Parsons; "I had driven home in briel, with great coolness. "Perhaps I an easterly wind, and caught a devil of a )ught to have observed, at first, she wears face-ache. Well; as Fanny-that's Mrs. i front." Parsons, you know-and this friend of " A what!" ejaculated Tottle. hers, and I, and Frank Ross, were playing "One of those things with curls along a rubber, I said, jokingly, that when I here," said Parsons, drawing a straight went to bed I should wrap up my head in line across his forehead, just over his eyes, Fanny's flannel petticoat. She instantly in illustration of his meaning.-" I know threw up her cards, and left the room." the front's black; I can't speak quite posi- "Quite right," said Mr. Watkins Tottively about her own hair; because, un- tie, " she could not possibly have behaved less one walks behind her, and catches a in a more dignified manner. What did glimpse of it under her bonnet, one seldom you do!" sees it; but I should say, that it was ra- "Do — Frank took dummy; and I won ther lighter than the front-just a shade sixpence." of a greyish tinge, perhaps." " But did n't you apologize for hurting Mr. Watkins Tottle looked as if he had her feelings!" certain misgivings of mind. Mr. Gabriel "Devil a bit. Next morning at breakParsons perceived it, and thought it would fast, we talked it over. She contended be safe to begin the next attack without that any reference to a flannel petticoat delay. was highly improper;-men ought not to "Now, were you ever in love, Tottle " be supposed to know that Such things he inquired, were. I pleaded my coverture; being a married man." Mr. Watkins Tottle blushed up to the d wath" eyes, and down to the chin,.and exhibited d d i te a most extensive combination of colours inquired Tottle; deeply interested as he confessed the soft impeachmenthat ed the Frank being a single man, its impropriety "I suppose you popped the question obvious." more than once, when you were a young- Noble-minded creature!" exclaimed [ beg your pardon a yonger-man," enraptured ottle the enraptured Tottle. said Parsons. "Oh! both Fanny and I said at once, " Never in my life," replied his friend, that she was regularly cut out for you." apparently indignant at beirg suspected A gleam of placid satisfaction shone on of such an act. "Never! the fact is, that the circular face of Mr. Watkins Tottle, I entertain, as you know, peculiar opinions as he heard the prophecy. on these subjects. I am not afraid of "There's one thing I can't underladies, young or old-far from it; but I stand," said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he think, that in compliance with the custom rose to depart, " I cannot for the life and of the present day, they allow too much soul of me imagine how the deuce you'll freedom of speech and manner to mar- ever manage to come together. The lady riageable men. Now, the fact is, that would certainly go into convulsions if the any thing like this easy freedom, I never subject were mentioned." And Mr. Gacould acquire; and as I am always afraid briel Parsons sat down again, and laughed of going too far, I am generally, I dare say, till he was weak. Tottle owed him moconsidered formal and cold." ney, so he had a perfect right to laugh at "I should n't- wonder if you were," re- his expense. plied Parsons, gravely; "I shouldn't won- Mr. Watkins Tottle feared in his own der. However, you'll be all right in this mind, that this was another characteristic case; for the strictness and delicacy of which he had in common with this modern this lady's ideas greatly exceed your own. Lucretia. He, however, accepted the Lord bless you, why when she came to invitation to dine with the Parsonses on our house, there was an old portrait of the next day but one, with great firmness; some man or other with two large black and looked forward to the introduction, staring eyes hanging up in her bedroom; when againleft alone, with tolerable comshe positively refused to go-to bed there posure. till it was taken down, considering it de- The sun that rose on the next day but cidedly improper." one had never beheld a sprucer personage 228 SKETCHES BY BOZ, on the outside of the Norwood stage than bowed carelessly. Mr. Watkins Tottle Mr. Watkins Tottle, and when the coach bowed stiffly, and Mr. Gabriel Parsons led drew up before a card-board looking house the way to the house. He was a rich with disguised chimneys, and a lawn like- sugar-baker, and mistook rudeness for a large sheet of green letter-paper, he honesty, and abrupt bluntness for an open certainly had never lighted to his place and candid manner; many besides Gabriel of destination a gentleman who felt more mistake bluntness for sincerity. awkward or uncomfortable. Mrs. Gabriel Parsons received the visThe coach stopped, and Mr. Watkins iters most graciously on the steps, and Tottle jumped - we beg his pardon- preceded them to the drawing-room. On alighted with great dignity. "All right!" the sofa was seated a lady of very prim said he, and away went the coach up the appearance, and remarkably inanimate. hill with that beautiful equanimity of pace She was just one of those persons at whose for which.' short" stages are generally age it is impossible to make any reasonaremarkable. ble guess; her features might have been Mr. Watkins Tottle gave a faltering remarkably pretty when she was younger, jerk at the handle of the garden-gate bell. and they might always have presented the He essayed a more energetic tug, and his same appearance. Her complexion-with previous nervousness was not at all dimi- a slight trace of powder here and therenished by hearing the bell ringing like a was as clear as that of a well-made wax fire alarum. doll, and her face as expressive. She "Is Mr. Parsons at home?" inquired was handsomely dressed, and was winding Tottle of the man who opened the gate. up a gold watch for effect. He could hardly hear himself speak, for " Miss Lillerton, my dear, this is our the bell had not yet done tolling. friend Mr. Watkins Tottle; a very old "Here I am," shouted a'voice on the acquaintance I assure you," said Mrs. Parlawn,-and there was Mr. Gabriel Par- sons, presenting the Strephon of Cecilsons in a flannel jacket, running back- street, Strand. The lady rose, and made wards and forwards from a wicket to two a deep courtesy; Mr. Watkins Tottle hats piled on each other, and then from made a serio-comic bow. the two hats to the wicket, in the most " Splendid, majestic creature!" thought violent manner, while another gentleman Watkins Tottle. She was his beau ideal with his coat off was getting down the of a desirable female. area of the house, after a ball. When the Mr. Timson advanced, and Mr. Watgentleran withoutthe coat had found it- kins Tottle began to hate him. Men which he did in less than ten minutes- generally discover a rival instinctively, he ran back to the hats, and Gabriel Par- and Mr. Watkins Tottle felt that his hate sons pulled up. Then the gentleman was deserved. without the coat called out " play" very " May I beg," said the reverend genloudly, and bowled: Mr. Gabriel Parsons tleman,-" May I beg to call upon you, knocked the ball several yards, and took Miss Lillerton, for some trifling donation another run. Then the other gentleman to my soup, coals, and blanket distribution aimed at the wicket, and didn't hit it; society." and Mr. Gabriel Parsons, having finished " Put my name down for two soverunning on his own account, laid down reigns, if you please," responded Miss the hat and ran after the ball, which went Lillerton. into a neighbouring field. They called " You are truly charitable, madam," this cricket. said the Reverend Mr. Tirnson, and we "Tottle, will you'go in?'" inquired know that charity will cover a multitude Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he approached of sins. Let me beg you to understand him, wiping the perspiration off his face. that I do not say this fiom the supposition Mr. WatkinsTottle declined the offer, that you have many sins which require the bare idea of accepting which made palliation: believe me when I say that I ntim even warmer than his friend. never yet met any one who had fewer to " Then we'll go into the house, as it's atone for than Miss Lillerton." past four, and I shall have to wash my Something like a bad imitation of anihands before dinner," said Mr. Gabriel mation lighted up the lady's face, as she Parsons. "Here, I hate ceremony, you acknowledged the compliment. Watkins know —Timson, that is Tottle Tottle, Tottle incurred the sin of wishing that that's Timson, bred for the church, which the ashes of the Rev. Charles Timson I. fear will never be bread for him;" and were quietly deposited in the churchyard ie chuckled at the old joke. Mir.'imson of his curacy, wherever it might be. MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 229 " I'\l tell you what," interrupted Par- fidence rapidly. The cloth was removed; sons, wirO had just appeared with clean Mrs. Gabriel Parsons drank four glasses hands, and a black coat, "it's my private of port on the plea of her being a nurse opinion, Timson, that your'distribution just then, and Miss Lillerton took about society' is rather a humbug." the same number of sips, on the plea of "You are so severe," replied Timson, her not wanting any at all. At length with a Christian smile; he disliked Par- the ladies retired, to the great gratification sons, but liked his dinners, of Mr. Gabriel Parsons, who had been "So positively unjust," said Miss Lil- coughing and frowning at his wife, for lerton. half an hour previously-signals which " Certainly," observed Tottle. The Mrs. Parsons never happened to observe, lady looked up; her eyes met those of until she had been pressed to take her Mr. Watkins Tottle. She withdrew them ordinary quantum, which, to avoid giving in a sweet confusion, and Watkins Tottle trouble, she generally did at once. did the same-the confusion was mutual. "i hat do you think of her l" inquired "Why," urged Mr. Parsons, pursuing Mr. Gabriel Parsons of Mr. Watkins his objections, " what on earth is the use Tottle, in an under tone. of giving a man coals who has nothing to " dote on her with enthusiasm already," cook, or giving him blankets when he hasn't replied Mr. Watkins Tottle. a bed, or giving him soup, when he re- "Gentlemen, pray let us drink "the quires substantial food -' like sending ladies;'" said the Reverend Mr. Timson. them ruffles when wanting a shirt.' Why "The ladies!" said Mr. Watkins Totnot give'em a trifle of money, as I do, tie, emptying his glass. In the fulness when I think they deserve it, and let them of his confidence he felt as if he could purchase what they think best. Why — make love to a dozen ladies, off hand. because your subscribers wouldn't see "Ah!" said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, "I their names flourishing in print on the remember when I was a younger manchurch-door-that's the reason." fill your glass, Timson." "Really Mr. Parsons, I hope you don't "I have this moment emptied it." mean to insinuate that I wish to see my "Then fill again." name in print, on the church-door," inter- "I will," said Timson, readily suiting rupted Miss Lillerton. the action to the word. "I hope not," said Mr. Watkins Tottle, "I remember," resumed Mr. Gabriel putting in another word, and getting Parsons, "when I was a younger man, another glance. with what a strange compound of feelings " Certaiuly not," replied Parsons. " I I used to drink that toast, and how I used dare say you wouldn't mind seeing it in, to think that every woman was an angel writing, though, in the church register- -quite a superior being." th?" "Was that before you were married " "Register! What register?" inquired mildly inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle. he lady, gravely. "Oh!" certainly, replied Mr. Gabriel b' Why, the register of marriages, to be Parsons, "I have never thought so since; sure., replied Parsons, chuckling at the and a precious milksop I must have been, sally, and glancing at Tottle. Mr. Wat- ever to have thought so at all. But, you kins Tuttle thought he should have fainted know, I married Fanny under the oddest for shame, and it is quite impossible to and most ridiculous circumstances possiimagine what effect the joke would have ble." had upon the lady, if dinner had not been "What were they, if one may inquire?" that moment announced. Mr. Watkins asked Timson, who had heard the story Tottle, with an unprecedented effort of on an average twice a week for the last gallantry, offered the tip of his little six months. Mr. Watkins Tottle listened finger; Miss Lillerton accepted it grace- attentively, in the hope of picking up fully, with maiden modesty; and they some suggestion that might be useful to proeeeded in due state to the dinner-table, him in his new undertaking. where they were soon deposited side by "I spent my wedding-night in a back side. The room was very snug, the din- kitchen chimney," said Parsons, by way ner very good, and the little party in tole- of a beginning. rable spirits. The conversation became "In a back-kitchen chimney!" ejacupretty general, and when Mr. Watkins lated Watkins Tottle. "How dreadful!" Tottle had extracted one or two cold ob. "Yes, it wasn't very pleasant," replied servations from his neighbour, and taken the small host. " The fact is, that Fanwine with her, he began to acquire con- ny's father and mother liked me wel 20 230 SKETCHES BY BOZ. enough as an individual, but had a decided in'em I can't imagine. And I used to objection to my becoming a husband. You have an interview in the kitchen, or in see I hadn't any money in those days, the cellar, or some such place, every and they had; and so they wanted Fanny evening. Well, things went on in this to pick up somebody else. However, we way for some time; and we got fonder of managed to discover the state of each each other every day. At last, as our other's affections somehow. I used to love was raised to such a pitch, and as my meet her at some mutual friends' parties; salary had been raised too, shortly before, at first we danced together, and talked, we determined on a secret marriage. Fanand flirted, and all that sort of thing; ny arranged to sleep at a friend's the pre. then I used to like nothing so well as vious night; we were to be married early sitting by her side-we didn't talk so in, the morning, and then we were to much then, but I remember I used to have return to her home and be pathetic. She a great notion of looking at her out of the was to fall at the old gentleman's feet, and extreme corner of my left eye, and then bathe his boots with her tears; and I was I got very miserable and sentimental, and to hug the old lady and call her' mother,' began to write verses, and use Macassar.' and use my pocket-handkerchief as much At last I couldn't bear it any longer, and as possible. Married we were the next after I had walked up and down the sun- morning; two girls-friends of Fanny'sny side of Oxford-street in tight boots for acting as bridesmaids, and a man, who a week-and a devilish hot summer it was hired for five shillings and a pint of was too-in the hope of meeting her, I porter, officiating as father. Now, the old sat down and wrote a letter, and begged lady unfortunately put off her return from her to manage to see me clandestinely, Ramsgate, where she had been paying a for I wanted to hear her decision fiom visit, until the next morning; and as we her own mouth. I said I had discovered, placed great reliance upon her, we agreed to my perfect satisfaction, that I couldn't to postpone our confession for four-andlive without her, and that if she didn't twenty hours. My newly-made wife rehave me, I had made up my mind to take turned home, and I spent my weddingprussic acid, or take to drinking, or emi- day in strolling about Hampstead-heath grate, so.as to take myself off in some and damning my father-in-law. Of course way or other. Well, I borrowed a pound, I went to comfort my dear little wife at and bribed the housemaid to give her the night as much as I could, with the assunote, which she did." rance that our troubles would soon be " And what was the reply V" inquired over. I opened the garden-gate, of which Timson, who had found before, that en- I had a key, and was shown by the sercouraging the repetition of old stories is vant to our old place of meeting-a back sure to end in a general invitation. kitchen, with a stone-floor and a dresser, " Oh, the usual one, you know-Fanny upon which, in the absence of chairs, we expressed herself very miserable; hinted used to sit and make love." at the possibility of an early grave; said "Make love upon a kitchen-dresser!" that nothing should induce her to swerve interrupted Mr. Watkins Tottle, whose from the duty she owed her parents; and ideas of decorum were greatly outraged. implored me to forget her, and find out "Ah!-on a kitchen-dresser!" replied somebody more deserving, and all that Parsons.-"And let me tell you, old felsort of thing. She said she could on no low, that, if you were really over headaccount think of meeting me unknown to and-ears in love, and had no other place to her pa and ma; and entreated me, as she make love in, you'd be devilish glad to should be in a particular part of Kensing- avail yourself of such an opportunity. ton Gardens at eleven o'clook next morn- However, let me see;-where was I?" ing, not to attempt to meet her there." "On the dresser," suggested Timson. "You didn't go, of course?" said Wat- "Oh-ah? Well, here I found poor Xins Tottle. Fanny, quite disconsolate and uncomfort. "Did n't I?-Of course I did. There able. The old boy had been very cross she was, with the identical housemaid in all day, which made her feel still more perspective, in order that there might be lonely; and she was quite out of spirits. no interruption. We walled about for a So I put a good face on the matter, and couple of hours; made ourselves delight- laughed it off, and said we should enjoy fully miserable; and were regularly en- the pleasures of a matrimonial life more gaged. Then we began to'correspond'- by contrast; and, at length, poor Fanny that is to say, we used to exchange about brightened up a little. I stopped there iiur letters a day; what we used to say till about eleven o'clock, and, just as I IMR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 231 was taking my leave for the fourteenth "Why, the affair of the chimney so time, the girl came running down stairs, tickled his fancy that he pardoned us cffwithout her shoes, in a great fright, to tell hand, and allowed us something to live us that the old villain-God forgive me upon till he went the way of all flesh. I for calling him so, for he is dead and gone spent the next night in his second-floor now - prompted I suppose by the prince front much more comfortably than I had of darkness, was coming down to draw his spent the preceding one; for, as you will own beer for supper-a thing he had not probably guess-" done before for six months, to my certain "Please, sir, missis has made tea," knowledge; for the cask stood in that very said a middle-aged female servant, bobback kitchen. If he discovered me there, bing into the room. explanation would have been out of the "That's the very housemaid that figures question; for he was so outrageously vio- in my story," said Mr. Gabriel Parsons.lent, when at all excited, that he never "She went into Fanny's service when we would have listened to me. There was were first married, and has been with us only one thing to be done.-The chimney ever since; but I do n't think she has felt was a very wide one: it had been origin- one atom of respect for me since the ally built for an oven; went up perpendic- morning she saw me released, when she ularly for a few feet, and then shot back- went into violent hysterics, to which she ward and formed a sort of small cavern. has been subject ever since. Now, shall My hopes and fbrtune-the means of our we join the ladies?" joint existence almost-were at stake. I "If you please," said Mr. Watkins scrambled in like a squirrel; coiled myself Tottle. up in this recess; and, as Fanny and the "By all means," added the obsequious girl replaced the deal chimney-board, I Mr. Timson; and the trio made for the could see the light of the candle which drawing-room accordingly. my unconscious father-in-law carried in Tea being concluded, and the toast and his hand. I heard him draw the beer; cups having been duly handed, and occaand I never heard beer run so slowly. He sionally upset, by Mr. Watkins Tottle, a was just leaving the kitchen, andI was rubber was proposed. They cut for partpreparing to descend, when down came ners - Mr. and Mrs. Parsons; and Mr. the infernal chimney-board with a tremen- Watkins Tottle and Miss Lillerton. Mr. dous crash. He stopped, and put down Timson being a clergyman, and having the candle and the jug of beer on the conscientious scruples on the subject of dresser; he was a nervous old fellow; and card-playing, drank brandy-and-water, and any unexpected noise annoyed him. He kept up a running spar with Mr. Watkins coolly observed that the fireplace was Tottle. The evening went off well; Mr. never used, and sending the frightened Watkins Tottle was in high spirits, havservant into the next kitchen for hammer ing some reason to be gratified with his and nails, actually nailed up the board, reception by Miss Lillerton; and before he and locked the door on the outside. So left, a small party was made up to visit there was I on my wedding-night, in the the Beulah Spa on the following Saturday. light kerseymere trousers, fancy waist- "It's all right, I think," said Mr. Gacoat, and blue coat, that I had been mar- briel Parsons to Mr. Watkins Tottle, as ried in in the morning, in a back-kitchen he opened the garden gate for him. chimney, the bottom of which was nailed "I hope so," he replied, squeezing his up, and the top of which had been formerly friend's hand. raised some fifteen feet, to prevent the "You'11 be down by the first coach on smoke from annoying the neighbours. And Saturday," said Mr. Gabriel Parsons. there," added Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he "Certainly," replied Mr. Watkins Totpassed the bottle-" there I remained till tle. "Undoubtedly." half-past seven the next morning, when But fortune had decreed that Mr. Watthe housemaid's sweetheart, who was a kins Tottle should not be down by the first carpenter, unshelled me. The old dog coach on Saturday. His adventures on had nailed me up so securely, that, to this that day, however, and the success of his very hour, I firmly believe that no one but wooing, are subjects for another chapter. a carpenter could ever have got me out." "'And what did Mrs. Parsons's father CHAPTER THE SECOND. say, when he found you were married t" inquired Watkins Tottle, who, although "THE first coach has not come in yet, he never saw a joke, was not satisfied has it, Tom?" inquired Mr. Gabriel Paruntil he heard a story to the very end. sons, as he very complacently paced Ja 282 SKETCHES BY BOZ. and down the fourteen feet of gravel "Tom!" exclaimed Parsons, after a which bordered the "lawn," on the Satur- few minutes' consideration, " just put the day morning which had been fixed upon horse in, will you? —Tell the gentleman for the Beulah Spa jaunts that I shall be there almost as soon as you "No, sir; I have n't seen it," replied a are," he continued, addressing the sheriffgardener in a blue apron, who let himself officer's Mercury. out to do the ornamental for half-a-crown " Werry well," replied that important a day and his " keep." functionary; adding, in a confidential "Time Tottle was down," said Mr. Ga- manner," I'd adwise the gen'lm'n's friends briel Parsons, ruminating-" Oh, here he to settle. You see it's a mere trifle, and, is, no doubt," added Gabriel, as a cab unless the gen'lm'n means to go up afore drove rapidly up the hill; and he buttoned the court, it's hardly worth while waiting his dressing-gown, and opened the gate to for detainers you know. Our governor's receive the expected visiter. The cab wide awake, he is. I'll never say nothin' stopped, and out jumped a man in a coarse agin him, nor no man; but he knows Petersham great-coat, whity-brown neck- what's o'clock, he does, uncommon." erchief, faded black suit, gamboge-coloured Having delivered this eloquent, and, to top-boots, and one of those large-crowned Parsons, particularly intelligible harangue, hats, formerly seldom met with, but now the meaning of which was eked out by very generally patronized by gentlemen divers nods and winks, the gentleman in and costermongers. the boots reseated himself in the cab, "Mr. Parsons?" said the man, looking which went rapidly off, and was soon out at the superscription of a note he held in of sight. Mr. Gabriel Parsons continued his hand, and addressing Gabriel with an to pace up and down the pathway for some inquiring air. minutes, apparently absorbed in deep me. "3Ly name is Parsons," responded the ditation. The result of his cogitations sugar-baker. seemed to be perfectly satisfactory to him"I've brought this here note," replied self, for he ran briskly into the house; the individual in the painted tops, in a said that business had suddenly summoned hoarse whisper; "I've brought this here him to town; that he had desired the note from a gen'lm'n as come to our house messenger to inform Mr. Watkins Tottle this mornin'." of the fact; and that they would return ",I expected the gentleman at my together to dinner. He then hastily house," said Parsons, as he broke the equipped himself for a drive, and mounting seal, which bore the impression of her his gig was soon on his way to the estabmajesty's profile, as it is seen on a six- lishment of Mr. Solomon Jacobs, situate pence. (as Mr. Watkins Tottle had informed him) "I've no doubt the gen'lm'n would ha' in Cursitor-street, Chancery-lane. oeen here," replied the stranger, "if he When a man is in a violent hurry to hadn't happened to call at our house first; get on, and has a specific object in view, but we never trusts no gen'lm'n furder the attainment of which depends on the nor we can see him no mistake about completion of his journey, the difficulties that there"-added the unknown, with a which interpose themselves in his way facetious grin; "beg your pardon, sir, no appear not only to be innumerable, but to offence meant, only-once in, and I wish have been called into existence especially you may-catch the idea, sir " for the occasion. The remark is by no Mr. Gabriel Parsons was not remarka- means a new one, and Mr. Gabriel Par. ble for catching any thing suddenly, but a sons had practical and painful experience cold. He therefore only bestowed a glance of its justice in the course of his drive. of profound astonishment on his mysterious There are three classes of animated obcompanion, and proceeded to unfold the jects which prevent your driving with note of which he had been the bearer. any degree of comfort or celerity through Once opened, and the idea was caught streets which are but little frequentedwith very little difficulty. Mr. Watkins they are pigs, children, and old women. Tottle had been suddenly arrested for 331. On the occasion we are describing, the 10s. 4d., and dated his communication pigs were luxuriating on cabbage-stalks, from a lock-up house in the vicinity of and the shuttlecocks fluttered from the Chancery-lane. little deal battledores, and the children "Unfortunate affair, this!" said Par- played in the road; and women, with a sons, refolding the note. basket in one hand and the street-door "Oh! nothin' ven you're used to it," key in the other, would cross just before woolly observed the man in Petersham. the horse's head, until Mr. Gabriel Pdar MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 233 sons was perfectly savage with vexation, to sit down and observe the scene before and quite hoarse with hoi-ing and impre- him. eating. Then, when he got into Fleet- The room-which was a small, confined street, there was " a stoppage," in which den-was partitioned off into boxes, like people in vehicles have the satisfaction of the common room of some inferior eatingremaining stationary for half an hour, and house. The dirty floor had evidently been envying the slowest pedestrians; and as long a stranger to the scrubbing-brush where policemen rush about, and seize as to carpet or floor-cloth; and the ceiling hold of horses' bridles, and back them into was completely blackened by the flare of shop-windows, by way of clearing the road the oil-lamp by which the room was and preventing confusion. At length lighted at night. The grey ashes on the Mr. Gabriel Parsons turned into Chancery- edges of the tables, and the cigar ends lane, and having inquired for, and been which were plentifully scattered about directed to, Cursitor-street (for it was a the dusty grate, fully accounted for the locality of which he was quite ignorant,) intolerable smell of tobacco which pervahesoon found himself opposite the house ded the place; and the empty glasses and of Mr. Solomon Jacobs. Confiding his half-saturated slices of lemon on the tahorse and gig to the care of one of the bles, together with the porter-potsbeneath fourteen boys who had followed him from them, bore testimony to the frequent libathe other side of Blackfriars-bridge on the tions in which the individuals who hochance of his requiring their services, Mr. noured Mr. Solomon Jacobs by a tempoGabriel Parsons crossed the road and rary residence in his house indulged.. knocked at an inner-door, the upper part Over the mantel-shelf was a paltry lookof which was of glass, grated like the ing-glass, extending about half the width windows of this inviting mansion with of the chimney-piece; but, by way of iron bars-painted white to look comfort- counterpoise, the ashes were confined by able. a rusty fender about twice as long as the The knock was answered by a sallow- hearth. faced red-haired sulky boy, who, after From this cheerful room itself, the atsurveying Mr. Gabriel Parsons through tention of Mr. Gabriel Parsons was natuthe glass, applied a large key to an im- rally directed to its inmates. In one of mense wooden excrescence, which was the boxes two men were playing at cribin reality a lock, but which, taken in con- bage with a very dirty pack of cards, junction with the iron nails with which some with blue, some with green, and the panels were studded, gave the door some with red backs-selections from de-. the appearance of being subject to warts. cayed packs. The cribbage-board had, "I want to see Mr. Watkins Tottle," been long ago formed on the table by. said Parsons. some ingenious visiter with the assistance " It's the gentleman that come in this of a pocket-knife and a two-pronged fork, morning, Jem," screamed a voice from the with which the necessary number of holes top of the kitchen stairs, which belonged had been made in the table at proper disto a dirty woman who had just brought tances for the reception of the wooden her chin to a level with the passage-floor. pegs. In another box a stout, hearty"The gentleman's in the coffee-room." looking man, of about forty, was eating "Up-stairs, sir," said the boy, just some dinner, which his wife-an equalopening the door wide enough to let Par- ly comfortable-looking personage-had' sons in without squeezing him, and dou- brought him in a basket; and in a third, ble-locking it the moment he had made a genteel-looking young man was talking his way through the aperture-"First earnestly, and in a low tone, to a young floor-door on the left." female, whose face was concealed by a Mr. Gabriel Parsons, thus instructed, thick veil, but whom Mr. Gabriel Parsons ascended the uncarpeted and ill-lighted immediately set down in his own mind staircase, and after giving several subdued as the debtor's wife. A young fellow of taps at the before-mentioned " door on the vulgar manners, dressed in the very exleft," which were rendered inaudible by treme of the prevailing fashion, was pacthe hum of voices within the room, and ing up and down the room, with a lighted the hissing noise attendant on some frying cigar in his mouth and his hands in his operations which were carrying on below pockets, ever and anon puffing forth volstairs, turned the handle, and entered the umes of smoke, and occasionally applying, apartment. Being informed that the un- with much apparent relish, to a pint pot, fortunate object of his visit had just gone the contents of which were chilling' up-stairs to write a letter, he had leisure on the hob. 20* 2 E 234 SKETCHES BY BOZ. " Fourpence more, oy gum!" exclaimed singular one. My father's a man of large one of the cribbage-players, lighting a property, and I am his son." pipe, and addressing his adversary at the "That's a very strange circumstance!" close of the game; "one'ud think you'd interrupted the jocose Mr. Walker, en got luck in a pepper-cruet, and shook it passant. out when you wanted it." " I am his son, and have received a " Well, that a'n't a bad un," replied liberal education. I don't owe no man the other, who was a horse-dealer from nothing-not the value of a farthing, but Islington. I was induced, you see, to put my name "No; I'm blessed if it is," interposed to some bills f a friendbills to a large the jolly-looking fellow, who, having fin- amount, I may say a very large amount, ished his dinner, was drinking out of the I consideration same glass as his wife, in truly conjugal What's the consequence " harmony, some hot gin.and-water. The " hy, I suppose the bills went out, faithful partner of his cares had brought and you came i. The acceptances a plentiful supply of the anti-temperance weren't taken up, and you were, eh" fluid in a large flat stone bottle, which inquired Walker. looked like a half-gallon jar that had been "T be sure," replied the liberally. successfully tapped for the dropsy. "You're educated young gentleman. " To be sure; a rum chap, you are, Mr. Walker-will and so hee, loced up fora matter you dip your beak into this, sir 3 of twelve hundred pound." "ynWhy don't you ask your old governoi "Thank'ee, sir," replied Mr. Walker, "Wy don't you as you old govern 1ank'ee, sir," replied. Mr. Walker, to stump up?" inquired Walker, with a leaving his box, and advancing to the sm p C5 9, l 1somewhat sceptical air. other to accept the proffered glass.,, ^ ne dit " Here's your health, sir, and your good Oh bless you, he'd never do it,"'uonmane's here.'Gentlemen al-1yours replied the other, in a tone of expostula-'ooman's here. Gentlemen all —yours,. ^-,' and better luck still. Well, Mr. Willis," l- veryosure" " Well, it is very odd to-be-sure," continued the facetious prisoner, address- i t o interposed the owner of the flat bottle, ing the young man with the cigar, " you ln I > ^' mixing another glass, "but I've been in seem rather down to-day-floored, as one m a g b may say. What's the matter, sir Never difficulties, as one may say, now for thirty may say. What's the matter, sir' t Never. v < < sydie, you know." year. I went to pieces when I was in a,,Osay die, you know r tr ehs milk-walk, thirty year ago; arterwards, " Oh! I'm all right," replied the smo when I was a fruiterer, and kept a spring ker. " I shall be bailed out to-morrow." wan and arter that again in the coal "Shall you, though?" inquired the and'tatur line-but-all that time I nevei other. Damme, I wish I could say the see a youngish chap come into a place of same. I am as regularly over head and this kind, who wasn't going out again ears as the Royal George, and stand directly, and who hadn't been arrested on about as much chance of being bailed bills which he'd given a friend and for out. Ha! ha! ha!" which he'd received nothing whatsumever "Why," said the young man, stopping -not a fraction." short, and speaking in avery loud key. "Oh! it's always the cry," said Walker. "Look at me. What d'ye think I've "I can't see the use on it; that's wha' stopped here two days for T" makes me so wild. Why, I should have "'Cause you couldn't get out, I sup- a much better opinion of an individual, if pose," interrupted Mr. Walker, winking he'd say at once in an honourable and to the company. "Not that you're exactly gentlemanly manner as he'd done every obliged to stop here, only you can't help body he possible could." it. No compulsion, you know, only you " Ay, to be sure," interposed the horsemrust-eh?" dealer, with whose notions of bargain and "A'n't he a rum un?" inquired the de- sale the axiom perfectly coincided, "so lighted individual, who had offered the should I." gin-and-water, of his wife. The young gentleman, who had given "Oh, he just is!" replied the lady, who rise to these observations, was on the was quite overcome by these flashes of point of offering a rather angry reply to niagination. these sneers, but the rising of the young "Why, my case," frowned the victim, man before noticed, and of the f;emale throwing the end of his cigar into the who had been sitting by him, to leave the fire, and illustrating his argument by room, interrupted the conversation. Sne knocking the bottom of the pot on the had been weeping bitterly, and the noxious fable, at intervals,-" my case is.a very atmosphere of the room acting upon her MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 235 excited feelings and delicate frame, ren- cut himself off vith a vife; and the young dered the support of her companion neces- lady's father he behaved even worser and sary as they quitted it together. more unnat'ral, for he not only blow'd her There was an air of superiority about up dreadful, and swore he'd never see her them both, and something in their appear- again, but he employed a chap as I knows ance so unusual in such a place, that a -and as you knows, Mr. Valker, a prerespectful silence was observed until the cious sight too well-to go about and buy whirr-r-bang of the spring door an- up the bills and them things on which the nounced that they were out of hearing. young husband, thinking his governor'ud It was broken by the wife of the ex-fruit- come round agin, had raised the vind just erer. to blow himself on vith for a time; be"Poor creetur!" said she, quenching a sides vich, he made all the interest he sigh in a rivulet of gin-and-water. "She's could to set other people agin him. Convery young." sequence vos, that he paid as long as he "She's a nice-looking'ooman too," could; but things he never expected to added the horse-dealer. have to meet till he'd had time to turn "What's he in for, Ikey " inquired himself round, come fast upon him, and Walker, of an individual who was spread- he vos nabbed. He vos brought here, as ing a cloth with numerous blotches of I said afore, last Vensday, and I think mustard upon it, on one of the tables, and there's about-ah, half-a-dozen detainers whom Mr. Gabriel Parsons had no diffi- agin him down stairs now, I have been," culty in recognising as the man who had added Ikey, " in the purfession these fifcalled upon him in the morning. teen year, and I never met with such winVy," responded the factotum, "it's dictiveness afore!" one of the rummest rigs you ever heard " Poor creeturs!" exclaimed the coalon. He come in here last Vensday, dealer's wife once more: again resorting which by the by he's a going over the to the same excellent prescription for water to-night-hows'ever that's neither nipping a sigh in the bud; "Ah! when here nor there. You see I've been a they've seen as much trouble as I and my going back'ards and for'ards about his old man here have, they'll be as comfortbusiness, and ha' managed to pick up some able under it as we are." of his story from the servants and them; "The young lady's a pretty creature," and so far as I can make it out, it seems said Walker, "only she's a little too delito be summat to this here effect " cate for my taste-there ain't enough of " Cut it short, old fellow," interrupted her. As to the young cove, he may be Walker, who knew from former experi- very respectable and what not, but he's ence that he of the top-boots was neither too down in the mouth for me-he ain't very concise nor intelligible in his narra- game." tives. "Game!" exclaimed Ikey, who had "Let me alone," replied Ikey, "and been altering the position of a green1'll ha' vound up, and made my lucky in handled knife and fork at least a dozen five seconds. This here young gen'lm'n's times, in order that he might remain in father, soI'm told, mindye-and the father the room under the pretext of hiving o' the young voman, have always been on something to do. " He's game enough very bad, out-and-out, rig'lar knock-me- ven there's any thing to be fierce about; down sort o' terms; but somehow or but who could be game as you call it, another, when he was a wisitin' at some Mr. Walker, with a pale young cr etur gentlefolk's house, as he knowed at col- like that, hanging about him?-It's lege, he come into contract with the enough to drive any man's heart into his young lady. He seed her several times, boots to see'em together-and no mistake and then he up and said he'd keep com- at all about it. I never shall forget her pany with her, if so be as she vos agree- first comin' here; he wrote to her on the able. Vell, she vos as sweet upon him Thursday to come-I know he did,'cos I as he vos upon her, and so I s'pose they took the letter. Uncommon fidgety he made it all right; for they got married was all day to be sure, and in the even-.'bout six months arterwards, unbeknown, ing he goes down into the office, and he mind ye, to the two fathers-leastways says to Jacobs, says he,'Sir, can I have so I'm told. When they heard on it- the loan of a private room for a few min my eyes, there was such a combustion! utes this evening, without incurring any Starvation vos the very least that vos to additional expense-just to see my witi be done to'em. The young gen'lm'n's in?" says he. Jacobs looked as much,s father cut him off vith a bob,'cos he'd to say-' Strike me bountiful if you ain' 236 SKETCHES BY BOZ. one of the modest sort!' but as the gen- to drive hard bargains, but was always'lm'n who had been in the back parlour, most anxious to conceal his avarice. At had just gone out, and had paid fbr it that length he stopped short, and said, —" Totday, he says-werry grave-' Sir,' says tie, you owe me fifty pounds." he,'it's agin our rules to let private rooms "I do." to our lodgers on gratis terms, but,' says "And from all I see, I infer you are he,'for a gentleman, I don't mind break- likely to owe me.' ing through them for once.' So then he "I fear I am." turns round to me, and says,'Ikey, put "Though you have every disposition to two mould candles in the back parlour, pay me if you could V" and charge'em to this gen'lm'n's account,' "Certainly." vich I did. Yell, by-and-by a hackney- "Then," said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, coach comes up to the door, and there, "listen; here's my proposition. You sure enough, was the young lady, wrapped know my way of old. Accept it-yes or up in a hopera-cloak, as it might be, and no-I will or I wont. I'll pay the debt all alone. I opened the gate that night, and costs, and I'll lend you 101. more so I went up when the coach come, and (which, added to your annuity, will enable he vos a waitin' at the parlour-door-and you to carry on the war well), if you'll wasn't he a trembling, neither? The give me your note of hand to pay me one poor creetur see him, and could hardly hundred and fifty pounds within six months walk to meet him.'Oh, Harry!' she after you are married to Miss Lillerton." says,'that it should have come to this! "My dear " and all for my sake,' says she, putting her "Stop a minute-on one condition; and hand upon his shoulder. So he puts his that is, that you propose to Miss Lillerton arm round her pretty little waist, and at once." leading her gently a little way into the "At once! My dear Parsons, consider." room, so that he might be able to shut the "It's for you to consider, not me. She door, he says, so kind and soft-like — knows you well from reputation, though'Why, Kate,' says he-" she did not know you personally until'"Here's the gentleman you want," said lately. Notwithstanding all her maiden Ikey, abruptly breaking off in his story, modesty, I think she'd be devilish glad to and introducing Mr. Gabriel Parsons to get married out of hand, with as little the crest-fallen Watkins Tottle, who at delay as possible. My wife has sounded that moment entered the room. Watkins her on the subject, and she has confessed." advanced with a wooden expression of "What what?" eagerly interrupted passive endurance, and accepted the hand the enamoured Watkins. which Mr. Gabriel Parsons held out. "Why," replied Parsons, "to say ex"I want to speak to you," said Gabriel, actly what she has confessed, would be with a look strongly expressive of his dis- rather difficult, because they only spoke like of the company. in hints, and so forth; but my wife, who "This way," replied the imprisoned is no bad judge in these cases, declared to one, leading the way to the front draw- me that what she had confessed was as ing-room, where rich debtors did the luxu- good as to say, that she was not insensirious at the rate of a couple of guineas a ble of your merits-in fact, that no other day. man should have her." "'Well, here I am," said'Watkins, as Mr. Watkins Tottle rose hastily from he sat down on the sofa; and placing the his seat, and rang the bell. palms of his hands on his knees, anxiously What's that for?" inquired Parsons. glanced at his friend's countenance. "I want to send the man for the bill "Yes; and here you're likely to be," stamp," replied Mr. Watkins Tottle. said Gabriel, coolly, as he rattled the mo- "Then you've made up your mind?" ney in his unmentionable pockets, and "I have,"-and they shook hands most looked out of the window. cordially. The note of hand was given" What's the amount with the costs V" the debt and costs were paid-Ikey was inquired Parsons, after an awkward pause. satisfied for his trouble, and the two friends "371. 3s. 10d." soon found themselves on that side of Mr. " Have you any money?" Solomon Jacobs's establishment, on which "Nine adfd sixpence halfpenny." most of his visiters were very happy when Mr. Gabriel Parsons walked up and they found themselves once again-to wit, down the room for a few seconds, before the outside. he could make up his mind to disclose the " Now," said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as otan he had formed; he was accustomed they drove to Norwood together -"you MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 237 shall have an opportunity to make the dear, which detained us this morning," disclosure to-night, and mind you speak replied Parsons, looking significantly at out, Tottle." Tottle. "I will! -I willl" replied Watkins, "Dear me! how very quickly the valorously. morning has gone," said Miss Lillerton, "How I should like to see you toge- referring to the gold watch, which was ther!" ejaculated Mr. Gabriel Parsons.- wound up on state occasions, whether it "What fun!" and he laughed so long and required it or not. so loudly, that he disconcerted Mr. Wat- "I think it has passed very slowly," kins Tottle, and frightened the horse. mildly suggested Tottle. "There's Fanny and your intended, "Indeed-!" said Miss Lillerton, with walking about on the lawn," said Gabriel, an air of majestic surprise. as they approached the house -" Mind "I can only impute it to my unavoidayour eye, Tottle." ble absence from your society, madam," "Never fear," replied Watkins, reso- said Watkins, "and that of Mrs. Parlutely, as he made his way to the spot sons." where the ladies were walking. During this short dialogue, the ladies' Here's Mr. Tottle, my dear," said had been leading the way to the house. Mrs. Parsons, addressing Miss Lillerton. "What the deuce did you stick Fanny The lady turned quickly round, and ac- into that last compliment for?" inquired knowledged his salute with the same sort Parsons, as they followed together; "it of confusion that Watkins had noticed on quite spoilt the effect." their first interview, but with something "Oh! it really would have been too like a slight expression of disappointment broad without," replied Watkins Tottle, or carelessness. "much too broad!" "Did you see how glad she was to see "He's mad!" Parsons whispered his you?" whispered Parsons to his friend. wife, as they entered the drawing-room, "Why I really thought she looked as "mad from modesty." if she would rather have seen somebody "Dear me!" ejaculated the lady, "I else," replied Tottle. never heard of such a thing. "Pooh, nonsense!" whispered Parsons "You'll find we have quite a family again - " it's always the way with the dinner, Mr. Tottle," said Mrs. Parsons, women, young or old. They never show when they sat down to table: "Miss Lilhow delighted they are to see those whose lerton is one of us, and of course we presence makes their hearts beat. It's make no stranger of you." the way with the whole sex, and no man Mr. Watkins Tottle expressed a hope should have lived to your time of life that the Parsons family never would make without knowing it. Fanny confessed it a stranger of him; and wished internally to me, when we were first married, over that his bashfulness would allow him to and over again-see what it is to have a feel a little less like a stranger himself. wife." "Take off the covers, Martha," said " Certainly," whispered Tottle, whose Mrs. Parsons, directing the shifting of the courage was vanishing fast. scenery with great anxiety. The order " Well, now, you'd better begin to pave was obeyed, and a pair of boiled fowls, the way," said Parsons, who, having in- with tongue and et ceteras, were displayed vested some money in the speculation, at the top, and a fillet of veal at the botassumed the office of director. tom. On one side of the table two green "Yes, yes, I will-presently," replied sauce-tureens, with ladles of the same, Tottle, greatly flurried, were setting to each other in a green "Say something to her, man," urged dish; and on the other was a curried rabParsons again. " Confound it! pay her bit, in a brown suit, turned up with lemon. a compliment, can't you 3" " Miss Lillerton, my dear," said Mrs. "No! not till after dinner," replied the Parsons, " shall I assist you?" bashful Tottle, anxious to postpone the "Thank you, no; I think I'll trouble evil moment. Mr. Tottle." " Well, gentlemen," said Mrs. Parsons, Watkins started - trembled - helped "you are really very polite; you stay the rabbit —and broke a tumbler. The away the whole morning, after promising countenance of the lady of tne house, to take us out, and when you do come which had been all smiles previously, unhome, you stand whispering together and derwent an awful change. take no notice of us." "Extremely sorry." stammered Wat "We were talking of the business, my kins, assisting himself to currie and par, 238 SKETCHES BY BOZ. ley and butter, in the extremity of his I had to stop at the principal places in my confusion. way, and, therefore, for the sake of con"Not the least consequence," replied venience, I travelled in a gig. I left SudMrs. Parsons, in a tone which implied bury one dark night-it was winter timethat it was of the greatest consequence about nine o'clock; the rain poured in possible,-directing aside the researches torrents, the wind howled among the trees of the boy, who was groping under the that skirted the road-side, and I was table for the bits of broken glass. obliged to proceed at a foot-pace, for I " I presume," said Miss Lillerton, " that could hardly see my hand before me, it Mr. Tottle is aware of the interest which was so dark " bachelors usually pay in such cases; a "John," interrupted Mrs. Parsons, in a dozen glasses for one is the lowest pen- low, hollow voice, "don't spill that gravy." alty." "Fanny," said Parsons impatiently, "I Mr. Gabriel Parsons gave his friend an wish you'd defer these domestic reproofs admonitory tread on the toe. Here was to some more suitable time. Really, my a clear hint that the sooner he ceased to dear, these constant interruptions are very be a bachelor and emancipated himself annoying." from such penalties, the better. Mr. "My dear, I didn't interrupt you," said Watkins Tottle viewed the observation in Mrs. Parsons. the same light, and challenged Mrs. Par- "But, my dear, you did interrupt me," sons to take wine, with a degree of pre- remonstrated Mr. Parsons. sence of mind, which, under all the cir- "How very absurd you are, my love! sumstances, was really extraordinary. I must give directions to the servants; I "Miss Lillerton," said Gabriel, " may am quite sure that if I sat here and allowI have the pleasure d" ed John to spill the gravy over the new "I shall be most happy." carpet, you'd be the first to find fault " Tottle, will you assist Miss Lillerton, when you saw the stain to-morrow mornand pass the decanter l Thank you." ing." (The usual pantomimic ceremony of nod- "Well," continued Gabriel, with a reding and sipping gone through)- signed air, as if he knew there was no " Tottle, were you ever in Suffolk 2" getting over the point about the carpet. inquired the master of the house, who "I was just saying, it was so dark that I was burning to tell one of his seven stock could hardly see my hand before me. The stories. road was very lonely, and I assure you, "No," responded Watkins, adding, by Tottle (this was a device to arrest the way of a saving clause, "but I've been wandering attention of that individual, in Devonshire." which was distracted by a confidential " Ah!" replied Gabriel, "it was in Suf- communication between Mrs. Parsons and folk that a rather singular circumstance Martha, accompanied by the delivery of a happened to me, many years ago. Did large bunch of keys,)I assure you, Tottle, you ever happen to hear me mention it " I became somehow impressed with a sense Mr. Watkins Tottle had happened to of the loneliness of my situation-" hear his friend mention it some four-hun- " Pie to your master," interrupted Mrs. dred times. Of course he expressed great Parsons, again directing the servant. curiosity, and evinced the utmost impa- "Now, pray, my dear," remonstrated tience to hear the story again. Mr. Ga- Parsons once more, very pettishly. Mrs. briel Parsons forthwith attempted to pro- P. turned up her hands and eyebrows, and ceed, in spite of the interruptions to which, appealed in dumb show to Miss Lillerton. as our readers must frequently have ob- " As I turned a corner of the road," reserved, the master of the house is often sumed Gabriel, " the horse stopped short, exposed in such cases. We will attempt and reared tremendously. I pulled up, to give them an idea of our meaning. jumped out, ran to his head, and found a "When I was in Suffolk," said Mr. man lying on his back in the middle of the Gabriel Parsons - road, with his eyes fixed on the sky. I "Take off the fowls first, Martha," said thought he was dead; but no, he was Mrs. Parsons. " I beg your pardon, my alive, and there appeared to be nothing dear." the matter with him. He jumped up, and "When I was in Suffolk," resumed Mr. putting his hand to his chest, and fixing Parsons, with an impatient glance at his upon me the most earnest gaze you can wife, who pretended not to observe it, imagine, exclaimed "'which is now some years ago, business "Pudding here," said Mrs. Parsons..ed me to the town of Bury St. Edmund's. "Oh! it's no use," exclaimed the host, IMR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 239 now rendered desperate. " Here, Tottle, her head into the room, with — Please a glass of wine. It's useless to attempt ma'am, you're wanted." relating any thing when Mrs. Parsons is Mrs. Parsons left the room, shut the present." door carefully after her, and Mr. Watkins This attack was received in the usual Tottle was left alone with Miss Lillerton way. Mrs. Parsons talked to Miss Liller- For the first five minutes there was a ton and at her better half; expatiated on dead silence.-Mr. Watkins Tottle was the impatience of men generally; hinted thinking how he should begin, and Miss that her husband was peculiarly vicious Lillerton appeared to be thinking of noin this respect, and wound up by insinu- thing. The fire was burning low; Mr. ating that she must be one of the best Watkins Tottle stirred it, and put some tempers that ever existed, or she never coals on. could put up with it. Really what she "Hem!" -coughed Miss Lillerton; Mr. had to endure sometimes, was more than Watkins Tottle thought the fair creature any one who saw her in every-day life had spoken. "I beg your pardon," said he. could by possibility suppose.-The story "Eh'" was now a painful subject, and therefore "I thought you spoke." Mr. Parsons declined to enter into any "No." details, and contented himself by stating "Oh!" that the mal was a maniac, who had es- "There are some books on the sofa, caped from a neighbouring mad-house. Mr. Tottle if you would like to look at The cloth was removed; the ladies soon them," said Miss Lillerton, after the lapse afterwards retired, and Miss Lillerton of another five minutes. played the piano in the drawing-room " No, thank you,"returned Watkins: overhead, very loudly, for the edification and then he added, with a courage which of the visiter. Mr. Watkins Tottle and was perfectly astonishing, even to himself, Mr. Gabriel Parsons sat chatting comfort- " Madam, that is, Miss Lillerton, I wish ably enough, until the conclusion of the to speak to you." second bottle, when the latter, in propos- "To me!" said Miss Lillerton, letting ing an adjournment to the drawing-room, the silk drop from her hands, and sliding informed Watkins that he had concerted a her chair back a few paces.-" Speak —to plan with his wife, for leaving him and me!" Miss Lillerton alone, soon after tea. "To you, madam-and on the subject "I say," said Tottle, as they went up of the state of your affections." The lady stairs, "don't you think it would be better hastily rose, and would have left the if we put it off till-till-to-morrow 3" room; but Mr. Watkins Tottle gently de"Don't you think it would have been tained her by the hand, and holding it as much better if I had left you in that far from him as the joint length of their wretched hole I found you in this morn- arms would permit, he thus proceeded: ing " retorted Parsons, bluntly. " Pray do not misunderstand me, or sup " Well-well-I only made a sugges- pose that I am led to address you, after s(, tion," said poor Watkins Tottle, with a short an acquaintance, by any feeling of deep sigh. my own merits-for merits I have none Tea was soon concluded, and Miss Lil- which could give me a claim to your lerton drawing a small work-table on one hand. I hope you will acquit me of any side of the fire, and placing a little wood- presumption when I explain that I have en frame upon it, something like a minia- been. acquainted through Mrs. Parsons, ture clay-mill without the horse, was soon with the state-that is, that Mrs. Parsons busily engaged in making a watch-guard has told me-at least, not Mrs. Parsons, with brown silk. but -" here Watkins began to wander, "God bless me!" exclaimed Parsons, but Miss Lillerton relieved him. starting up with well-feigned surprise, " Am I to understand, Mr. Tottle, that " I've forgotten those confounded letters. Mrs. Parsons has acquainted you with my Tottle, I know you'll excuse me." feeling-my affection-I mean my roIf Tottle had been a free agent, he spect, for an individual of the opposite would have allowed no one to leave the sexY" room on any pretence, except himself. As " She has." it was, however, he was obliged to look "Then, what," inquired Miss Lillerton, cheerful when Parsons quitted the apart- averting her face, with a girlish air. ment. "what could induce you to seek such an He had scarcely left, when Martha put interview as this? What can your object 240 SKETCHES BY BOZ. be? How can I promote your happiness, "Then allow me to name it," said Tot-'Mr. Tottle tie eagerly. Here was the time for a flourish-" By "I should like to fix it myself," replied allowing me," replied Watkins, falling Miss Lillerton, bashfully, "but I cannot bump on his knees, and breaking two do so without at once resorting to a third brace buttons and a waistcoat-string, in party." the act-" By allowing me to be your "A third party!" thought Watkins Totslave, your servant-in short, by unre- tie; " Who the deuce is that to be, I wonservedly making me the confidant of your der?" heart's feelings-may I say, for the pro- " Mr. Tottle," continued Miss Lillerton, motion of your own happiness-may I say, " you have made me a most disinterested in order that you may become the wife of and kind offer-that offer I accept. Will a kind and affectionate husband 3" you at once be the bearer of a note from "Disinterested creature!" exclaimed me to-to Mr. Timson 3" Miss Lillerton, hiding' her face in a white " Mr. Timson!" said Watkins. pocket-handkerchief with an eyelet-hole "After what has passed between us," border. responded Miss Lillerton, still averting Mr. Watkins Tottle thought that if the her head, "you must understand whom I lady knew all, she might possibly alter her mean; Mr. Timson, the-the-clergyopinion on this last point. He raised the man." tip of her middle finger ceremoniously to "Mr. Timson, the clergyman!" ejacuhis lips, and got off his knees as gracefully lated Watkins Tottle, in a state of inexas he could. " My information was cor- pressible beatitude, and positive wonder rect!" he tremulously inquired, when he at his own success. "Angel! Certainly was once more on his feet. -this moment!" "It was." Watkins elevated his hands, "'11 prepare it immediately," said Miss and looked up to the ornament in the cen- Lillerton, making for the door; "the tre of the ceiling, which had been made events of this day have flurried me so for a lamp, by way of expressing his rap- much, Mr. Tottle, that I shall not leave ture. my room again this evening; I will send "Our situation, Mr. Tottle," resumed you the note by the servant." the lady, glancing at him through one of "Stay-stay," cried Watkins Tottle, the eyelet-holes, "is a most peculiar and still keeping a most respectful distance delicate one." from the lady; "when shall we meet "It is," said Mr. Tottle. again?" "Our acquaintance has been of so short " Oh! Mr. Tottle," replied Miss Liller duration," said Miss Lillerton. ton, coquettishly, "when we are married, "Only a week," assented Watkins Tot- I can never see you too often, nor thank tie. you too much;" and she left the room. "Oh! more than that," exclaimed the Mr. Watkins Tottle flung himself into lady, in a tone of surprise. an arm-chair, and indulged in the most "Indeed!" said Tottle. delicious reveries of future bliss, in which "More than a month-more than two the idea of " Five hundred pounds per anmonths!" said Miss Lillerton. num, with an uncontrolled power of disRather odd, this," thought Watkins. posing of it by her last will and testament," "Oh!" he said recollecting Parson's was somehow or other the foremost. He assurance that she had known him from had gone through the interview so well, report, "I understand. But, my dear and it had terminated so admirably, that madam, pray consider. The longer this he almost began to wish that he had exacquaintance has existed, the less reason pressly stipulated for the settlement of the is there for delay now. Why not at once annual five hundred on himself. fix a period for gratifying the hopes of "May I come in?" said Mr. Gabriel your devoted admirer " Parsons, peeping in at the door. "It has been represented to me again "You may," replied Watkins. and again that this is the course I ought "Well, have you done it 1" anxiously to pursue," replied Miss Lillerton, "but inquired Gabriel. pardon my feelings of delicacy, Mr. Tot- "Have I done it!" said Watkins Tottie-pray excuse this embarrassment-I tie, "Hush-I'm going to the clergyman." have peculiar ideas on such subjects, and I "No!" said Parsons. "How well you itm quite sure that I never could summon have managed it!" Dip fortitude enough to name the day to my "Where does Timson live?" inquired future husband." Watkins. MR. WATKINS TOTTLE. 241 " At his uncle's," replied Gabriel, "just with as much coldness as if it were a matr und the lane. He's waiting for a liv- ter of perfect indifference to him how he ing, and has been assisting his uncle here did, as it very likely was. for the last two or three months. But " I beg to deliver this note to you," said how well you have done it-I didn't think Watkins Tottle, producing the cocked-hat. you could have carried it off so!" "From Miss Lillerton!" said Timson, Mr. Watkins Tottle was proceeding to suddenly changing colour. "Pray sit demonstrate that the iichardsonian prin- down." ciple was the best on which love could Mr. Watkins Tottle sat down; and possibly be made, when he was interrupt- while Timson perused the note, fixed his ed by the entrance of Martha, with a lit- eyes on an oyster-sauce-coloured portrait tie pink note folded like a fancy cocked- of the Archbishop of Canterbury, which hat. hung over the fire-place. " Miss Lillerton's compliments," said Mr. Timson rose from his seat when he Martha, as she delivered it into Tottle's had concluded the note, and looked dubihands, and vanished. ously at Parsons-" May I ask," he in"Do you observe the delicacy?" said quired, appealing to Watkins Tottle, Tottle, appealing to Mr. Gabriel Parsons. "whether our friend here is acquainted " Compliments, not love, by the servant, with the object of your visit " eh?" " Our friiend is in my confidence," reMr. Gabriel Parsons didn't exactly know plied Watkins, with considerable importwhat reply to make, so he poked the fbre- ance. finger of his right hand between the third "Then, sir," said Timson, seizing both and fourth ribs of Mr. Watkins Tottle. Tottle's hands, " allow me in his presence "Come," said Watkins, when the ex- to thank you, most unfeignedly and corplosion of mirth, consequent on this prac- dially, for the noble part you have acted tical jest, had subsided, "we'll be off at in this affair." once-let's lose no time." "He thinks I recommended him," "Capital!" echoed Gabriel Parsons; thought Tottle. "Confound these feland in five minutes they were at the gar- lows! they never think of anything but den-gate of the villa tenanted by the uncle their fees." of Mr. Timson. "I deeply regret having misunderstood " Is Mr. Charles Timson at home?" in- your intentions, my dear sir," continued quired Mr. Watkins Tottle of Mr. Charles Timson. "Disinterested and manly inTimson's uncle's man. deed! There are very few men who " Mr. Charles is at home," replied the would have acted as you have done." man, stammering; "but he desired me to Mr. Watkins Tottle could not help say he couldn't be interrupted, sir, by any thinking that this last remark was any of the parishioners." thing but complimentary. He therefore " I am not a parishioner," replied Wat- inquired, rather hastily, " Whei is it to kins. be?" "Is Mr. Charles writing a sermon, " On Thursday," replied Timson-" on Tom?" inquired Parsons, thrusting him- Thursday morning at half-past eight." self forward. "Uncommonly early," observed Wat"No, Mr. Parsons, sir; he's not exact- kins Tottle, with an air of triumphant ly writing a sermon, but he is practising self-denial. "I shall hardly be able to get the violoncello in his own bed-room, and down here by that hour." (This was ingave strict orders not to be disturbed." tended for a joke.) " Say I'm here," replied Gabriel, lead- " Never mind, my dear fellow," replied ing the way across the garden; "Mr. Timson, all suavity, shaking hands with Parsons and Mr. Tottle, on private and Tottle again most heartily, "so long as particular business." we see you to breakfast, you know- " They were shown into the parlour, and " Eh!" said Parsons, with one of the the servant departed to deliver his mes- most extraordinary expressions of countesage. The distant groaning on the vio- nance that ever appeared in a human face. loncello ceased; footsteps were heard on " What!" ejaculated Watkins Tottle, the stairs; and Mr. Timson presented at the same moment. himself, and shook hands with Parsons " I say that so long as we see you to with the utmost cordiality. breakfast," repeated Timson, "we will "l How do you do, sir?" said Watkins excuse your being absent from the cereTottle, with great solemnity. mony, though of course your presence at "H ow do you do, sir?" replied Timson, it would give us the utmost pleasure." 21 2F 242 SKETCHES BY BOZ. "' Mr. Watkins Tottle staggered against ing-house, just wait there till I come and the wall, and fixed his eyes on Timson take you out, there's a good fellow." with appalling perseverance. How, or at what hour, Mr. Watkins "Timson," said Parsons, hurriedly Tottle returned to Cecil-street is unknown. brushing his hat with his left arm, " when His boots were seen outside his bedroomyou say' us,' whom do you mean I" door next morning, but we have the auMr. Timson looked foolish in his turn, thority of his landlady for stating that he when he replied, "Why' -Mrs. Timson neither emerged therefrom, nor accepted that will be this day week: Miss Lillerton sustenance for four-and-twenty hours. At that is " the expiration of that period, and when a " Now don't stare at that idiot in the council of war was being held in the kit. corner," angrily exclaimed Parsons, as chen on the propriety of summoning the the extraordinary convulsions of Watkins parochial beadle to break his door open, Tottle's countenance excited the wonder- he rang his bell, and demanded a cup of ing gaze of Timson, -' but have the mill-and-water. The next morning he goodness to tell me in three words the went through the frmalities of eating contents of that note." 7and drinking as usual, but a week after"Tsno i, "i'm wards he was seized with a relapse, while ";This note," replied Tlnnson, "is from M Tiss illerton, to honi I have been for ^ perusing the list of marriages in a morn>Miss Lirton, to.whom I beenforing paper, from which'he never perfectly the last five weeks regularly engaged. recovered. Her singular scruples and strange Afew weeks after the last-named ocon some points have hitherto prevented ce, the body of a gentleman currence, the body of a gentleman unmy bringing the engagement to that ter-known was found in the Regent's canal: mination which I so anxmously desire. mination which I so anxiously desire. In the trousers-pockets were four shillings She informs me here, that she sounded and threepence-halfpenny; amatrimonial. Parsons with the viewofmki and threepence-halfpenny: a matrimonial Mrs. Parsons with the view of making her advertisement from a lady, which appeared her confidant and go-between, that Mrs. to have been cut out of a Sunday paper; Parsons informed this elderly gentleman, atoothpick, and a card-case, which it is Mr. Tottle, of the circumstance, and that confidentlybelieved would have led to the he, in the most kind and delicate terms, identification of the unfortunate entleoffered to assist us in any way, and even man, but for the circumstance ofthere undertook to convey this note, which con- being none but blank cards in it. Mr. tains the promise I have long sought in Watkins Tottle absented himself fiom his vain-an act of kindness for which I can n. lodgings shortly before. A bill which has never be sufficiently grateful. never be sufficiently grateful." not been taken up was presented next "Good night, Timson," said Parsons, morning; and a bill which has not been hurrying off, and carrying the bewildered taken down was soon afterwards affixed Tottle with him. in his parlour-window. " Won't you stay and have something?" said Timson. "No, thank ye," replied Parsons, "I've had quite enough;" and away he went, CIAPTER XI followed by Watkins Tottle in a state of stupefaCtion. THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING. Mr. Gabriel Parsons whistled until they had walked some quarter of a mile past [The Author may be permitted to observe that his own gate, when he suddenly stopped, this sketch was published some time before the and said- Farce entitled "The Christening" was first re. "You are a clever fellow, Tottle, ain't presented.] you?" "I don't know," said the unfortunate MR. NICODEMUS DUMPS, or, as his acWatkins. quaintance called him, "long Dumps," "I suppose you'll say this is Fanny's was a bachelor, six feet high,'and fifty fault, won't you?" inquired Gabriel. |years old; cross, cadaverous, odd, and illI don't knowt anything about it," re- natured. I-e was never happy but when plied the bewildered Tottle. lie was miserable; and always miserable "Well," said Parsons, turning on his when he had the best reason to be happy. heel to go home, " the next time you The only real comfort of his existence make an offer, you had better speak plain- was to make every body about him,y, and don't throw a chance away. And wretched-then he might be truly said to the next time you're locked up in a spung- enjoy life. lie was afflicted with a situa. THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING. 243 tion in the bank worth five hundred a-year, the dreadful words " Tottenham-court. and he rented a " first floor furnished," at road.") Pentonville, which he originally took be- " No, but uncle,'pon my life you mustcause it commanded a dismal prospect of you must promise to be godfather," said an adjacent churchyard. He was familiar Mr. Kitterbell, as he sat in conversation with the face of every tombstone, and the with his respected relative one morning. burial service seemed to excite his strong- "I cannot, indeed I cannot," returned est sympathy. His friends said he was Dumps. surly-he insisted he.was nervous; they "Well, but why not? Jemima will thought him a lucky dog, but he protested think it very unkind. It's very little that he was " the most unfortunate man trouble." in the world." Cold as he was, and "As to the trouble," rejoined the most wretched as he declared himself to be, he unhappy man in existence, " I don't mind was not wholly unsusceptible of attach- that; but my nerves are in that state-1 ments. He revered the memory of Hoyle, cannot go through the ceremony. You as he was himself an admirable and im- know I don't like going out.-For God's perturbable whist-player, and he chuckled sake, Charles, don't fidget with the stool with delight at a fretful and impatient so, you'll drive me mad." Mr. Kitterbell, adversary. He adored King Herod for quite regardless of his uncle's nerves, had his massacre of the innocents; and if he occupied himself for some ten minutes in hated one thing more than another, it was describing a circle on the floor with one a child. However, he could hardly be leg of the office-stool on which he was said to hate anything in particular, be- seated, keeping the other three up in the cause he disliked every thing in general; air, and holding fast on by the desk. but perhaps his greatest antipathies were " I beg your pardon, uncle," said Kitcabs, old women, doors that would not terbell, quite abashed, suddenly releasing shut, musical amateurs, and omnibus cads. his hold of the desk, and bringing the He subscribed to the Society for the Sup- three wandering legs back to the floor, pression of Vice for the pleasure of put- with a force sufficient to drive them ting a stop to any harmless amusements; through it. and he contributed largely towards the " But come, don't refuse. If it's a boy, support of two itinerant methodist parsons, you know, we must have two godfathers." in the amiable hope that if circumstances "If it's a boy!" said Dumps, "why can't rendered any people happy in this world, you say at once whether it is a boy or they might perchance be rendered mise- not?" rable by fears for the next. " I should be very happy to tell you, but Mr. Dumps had a nephew who had been it's impossible I can undertake to say married about a year, and who was some- whether it's a girl or a boy, if the child what of a favourite with his uncle, be- isn't born yet." cause he was an admirable subject to ex- " Not born yet!" echoed Dumps, with ercise his misery-creating powers upon. a gleam of hope lighting up his lugubriMr. Charles Kitterbell was a small, sharp, ous visage. " Oh, well, it may be a girl, spare man, with a very large head, and a and then you won't want me, or if it is a broad good-humoured countenance. Ile boy, it may die before it is christened." looked like a faded giant, with a head and "I hope not," said the father that exface partially restored; and he had a cast pected to be, looking very grave. in his eye which rendered it quite impos- "I hope not," acquiesced Dumps, evisible for any one with whom he conversed dently pleased with the subject. He was to know where he was looking. His eyes beginning to get happy. " Ihope not, but appeared fixed on the wall, and lie was distressing cases frequently occur during staring you out of countenance; in short, the first two or three days of a child's there was no catching his eye, and per- life; fits, I am told, are exceedingly cor naps it is a merciful dispensation of Pro- mon, and alarming convulsions are almost vidence that such eyes are not catching. matters of course." In addition to these characteristics, it may " Lord, uncle!" ejaculated little Kitterbe added that Mr. Charles Kitterbell was bell, gasping for breath. one of the most credulous and matter-of-' Yes; my landlady was confined-let fact little personages that ever took to re see-last Tuesday: an uncommonly himself a wife, and for himself a house fine boy. On Thursday night the nurse in Great Russell-street, Bedford-square. was sitting with him upon her knee before (Uncle Dumps always dropped the "Bed- the fire, and he was as well as possible. ford-square," and inserted in lieu thereof; Suddenly he became black in the face 244 SKETCHES BY BOZ. and alarmingly spasmodic. The medical says, for the first six or eight months. man was instantly sent for, and every re- He has been vaccinated, but in conse. medy was tried, but-" quence of the operation being rather awk"How frightful!" interrupted the hor- wardly performed, some small particles ror-stricken Kitterbell. of glass were introduced into the arm with "The child died of course. However, the matter. Perhaps this may in some your child may not die; and if it should degree account for his being rather fracbe a boy, and should live to be christened, tiops; at least, so nurse says. We prowhy I suppose I must be one of the spon- pose to have him christened at twelve sors." Dumps was evidently good-natured o'clock on Friday, at St. George's church, on the faith of his anticipations. in Hart-street, by the name of Frederick "Thank you, uncle," said his agitated Charles William. Pray don't be later nephew, grasping his hand as warmly as than a quarter before twelve. We shall if he had done him some essential service. have a very few friends in the evening, "Perhaps I had better not tell Mrs. K. when of course we shall see you. I am what you have mentioned." sorry to say that the dear boy appears "Why, if she's low spirited, perhaps rather restless and uneasy to-day: the you had better not mention the melancholy cause, I fear, is fever. case to her," returned Dumps, who of "Believe me, dear Uncle, course had invented the whole story, "Yours affectionately, "though perhaps it would be but doing "CHARLES KITTERBELL. your duty as a husband to prepare her for the worst." P. S.-I open this note to say that we A day or two afterwards, as Dumps was have just discovered the cause of little perusing a morning paper at the chop- Frederick's restlessness. It is not fever, house which he regularly frequented, the as I apprehended, but a small pin, which following paragraph met his eye: nurse accidentally stuck in his leg yesterBirths. —On Saturday, the 18th instant, in Great day evening. We have taken it out, and Russell-street, the lady of Charles Kitterbell, Esq., he appears more composed, though he of a son." o a.~ so~." ~ ~,i.il - still sobs a good deal." " It is a boy!" he exclaimed, dashing down the paper to the astonishment of the unnecessary to say that the ily X aIt is almost unnecessary to say that the waiters. "It is a boy!" But he speedily perusal of the above interesting statement regained his composure as his eye rested on a paragraph quoting the number of in- hypohondriacal Dumps. It was impossifant deaths from the bills of mortality. hypochondriacal Dumps. It was impossiSix weeks passed awable to recede, however, and so he put the Six weeks passed away, and as no cornunSix neeks passed beenaw, d fsom tc- best face-that is to say, an uncommonly munication had been received from the oneupon the matter and Kitterbells, Dumps was beginning to flat- pm sedl e one-upon tile matter; and ter himself that the child was dead, when purchased a handsome silver mug for the the following note painfully resolved his infant Kitterbell, upon which he ordered te llong note panully esolved h the initials " F. C. W. K.," with the cusdoubts: reat Russell-street, tomary untrained grape-vine-looking fiou" Monday morning. rishes, and a large full stop, to be engraved "' DEAR UNCLE, forthwith. "You will be delighted to hear that my Monday was a fine day, Tuesday was dear Jemima has left her room, and that delightful, Wednesday was equal to either, your future godson is getting on capitally. and Thursday was finer than ever; four He was very thin at first, but he is get- successive fine days in London! Hackting much larger, and nurse says he is ney-coachmen became revolutionary, and filling out every day. He cries a good crossing-sweepers began to doubt the exdeal, and is a very singular colour, which istence of a First Cause. The Morniing made Jemima and me rather uncomfort- Herald informed its readers that an old able; but as nurse says it's natural, and woman in Camden Town had been heard as of course we know nothing about these to say that the fineness of the season was things yet, we are quite satisfied with "unprecedented in the memory of the oldwhat nurse says. We think he will be a est inhabitant;" and Islington clerks, with sharp child; and nurse says she's sure he large families and small salaries, left off will, because he never goes to sleep. You their black gaiters, disdained to carry their will readily believe that we are all very once green cotton umbrellas, and walkca happy, only we're a little worn out for to town in the conscious pride of white want of rest, as he keeps us awake all stockings, and cleanly brushed Bluchers. night; but this we must expect, nurse Dumps beheld all this with an eye of su, THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING. 245 preme contempt-his triumph was at come up and only wanted the sixteenth hand.-He knew that if it had been fine inside. for four weeks instead of four days, it- "All right," said the "Admiral" and would rain when he went out; he was off the thing thundered, like a fire-engine lugubriously happy in the conviction that at full gallop, with the kidnapped cusFriday would be a wretched day-and so tomer inside, standing in the position of it was. " I knew how it would be," said a half doubled-up bootjack, and falling Dumps, as he turned round opposite the about with every jerk of the machine, Mansion-house at half past eleven o'clock first on the one side and then on the other, on the Friday morning.-" I knew how it like a " Jack-in-the-green," on May-day, would be. Iam concerned, and that's setting to the lady with a brass ladle. enough;"-and certainly the appearance "For Heaven's sake, where am I to of the day was sufficient to depress the sit?" inquired the miserable man of an spirits of a much more buoyant-hearted old gentleman, into whose stomach he had individual than himself It had rained, just fallen for the fourth time. without a moment's cessation, since eight "Any where but on my chest, sir," reo'clock; every body that passed up Cheap- plied the old gentleman, in a surly tone. side, and down Cheapside, looked wet, "Perhaps the box would suit the gencold, and dirty. All sorts of forgotten tleman better," suggested a very damp and long-concealed umbrellas had been lawyer's clerk, in a pink shirt, and a put into requisition. Cabs whisked about, smirking countenance. with the "fare" as carefully boxed up be- After a great deal of struggling and hind two glazed calico curtains as any falling about, Dumps at last managed to mysterious picture in any one of Mrs. Rad- squeeze himself into a seat, which in adcliff's castles; omnibus horses smoked dition to the slight disadvantage of being like steam-engines; nobody thought of between a window that would not shut, 6 standing up" under doorways or arches; and a door that must be open, placed him they were painfully convinced it was a in close contact with a passenger, who hopeless case; and so every body went had been walking about all morning withhastily along, jumbling and jostling, and out an umbrella, and who looked as if he swearing and perspiring, and slipping had spent the day in a full water-butt — about, like amateur skaters behind wood- only wetter. en chairs on the Serpentine on a frosty " Don't bang the door so," said Dumps Sunday. to the conductor, as he shut it, after let. Dumps paused; he could not think of ting out four of the passengers; "I am walking, being rather smart for the christ- very nervous-it destroys me." ening. If he took a cab he was sure to " Did any gen'lm'n say any thing?" re. be spilt, and a hackney-coach was too ex- plied the cad, thrusting in his head, and pensive for his economical ideas. An trying to look as if he didn't understand omnibus was waiting at the opposite cor- the request. ner-it was a desperate case-he had "I told you not to bang the door so!" never heard of an omnibus upsetting or repeated Dumps, with an expression of running away, and if the cad did knock countenance like the knave of clubs in him down, he could "pull him up" in convulsions. return. "Oh! vy, it's rather a sing'lar circuni. "Now, sir!" cried the young gentleman stance about this here door, sir, that it who officiated as " cad" to the " Lads of von't shut without banging," replied the the Village," which was the name of the conductor; and he opened the door very machine just noticed. Dumps crossed. wide, and shut it again with a terrific " This vay, sir!" shouted the driver of bang, in proof of the assertion. the "Hark-away," pulling up his vehicle "I beg your pardon, sir," said a little immediatelyacross the door of the opposi- prim, wheezing old gentleman, sitting tion-" This vay, sir-he's full." Dumps opposite Dumps, "I beg your pardon; but hesitated, whereupon the " Lads of the have you ever observed, when you have Village" commenced pouring out a tor- been in an omnibus on a wet day, that rent of abuse against the " Hark-away;" four people out of five always come in but the conductor of the " Admiral Napier" with large cotton umbrellas, without a settled the contest in a most satisfactory handle at the top, or the brass spike at the'manner for all parties, by seizing Dumps bottom T" round the waist, and thrusting him into "Why, sir," returned Dumps, as he the middle of his vehicle which had just heard the clock strike twelve, "it never 21' 246 SKETCHES BY BOZ. struck me before; but now you mention and almonds, on the staircase; the covers it, I- Hollo! hollo!"-shouted the per- were taken off the stair-carpet, and the secuted individual, as the omnibus dashed figure of Venus on the first landing lookpast Drury-lane, where he had directed ed as if she were ashamed of the comto be set down.-" Where is the cad 3" position-candle in her right hand, which "I think he's on the box, sir," said the contrasted beautifully with the lamp-blackyoung gentleman before noticed in the ed drapery of the goddess of love. The pink shirt, which looked like a white one female servant (who looked very warm ruled with red ink. and bustling) ushered Dumps into a front "I want to be set down!" said Dumps drawing-room, very prettily furnished, in a faint voice, overcome by his previous with a plentiful sprinkling of little basefforts. kets, paper table-mats, china watchmen, "I think these cads want to be set pink and gold albums, and rainbow-bound down," returned the attorney's clerk, little books on the differenttables. chuckling at his sally. "Ah, uncle!" said Mr. Kitterbell, "how "Hollo!" cried Dumps again. d'ye do Allow me-Jemima, my dear " Hollo!" echoed the passengers. The -my uncle. I think you've seen Jemima omnibus passed St. Giles's church. before, sir " " Hold hard!" said the conductor; " I'm " Have had the pleasure," returned big blowed if we ha'n't forgot the gen'lm'n Dumps, his tone and look making it doubtas vas to be set down at Doory-lane.- ful whether in his life he had ever expeNow, sir, make haste, if you please," lie rienced the sensation. added, opening the door, and assisting "I'm sure," said Mrs. Kitterbell, with Dumps out with as much coolness as if a languid smile, and a slight cough, " I'm it was "all right." Dump's indignation sure-hem-any friend-of Charles'swas for once getting the better of his hem-much less a relation, is — cynical equanimity. " Drury-lane!" he " I knew you'd say so, my love," said gasped, with the voice of a boy in a cold little Kitterbell, who, while he appeared bath for the first time. to be gazing upon the opposite houses, "Doory-lane, sir? -yes, sir, -third was looking at his wife with a most turning on the right hand side, sir." affectionate air; " bless you!" The last Dumps's passion was paramount; he two words were accompanied with a simclutched his umbrella, and was striding per, and a squeeze of the hand, which off with the firm determination of not stirred up all uncle Dumps's bile. paying the fare. The cad, by a remark- "Jane, tell nurse to bring down baby," able coincidence, happened to entertain a said Mrs. Kitterbell, addressing the serdirectly coptrary opinion, and Heaven vant. Mrs. Kitterbell was a tall, thin knows how far the altercation would have young lady, with very light hair, and a proceeded, if it had not been most ably particularly white face-one of those and satisfactorily brought to a close by young women who almost invariably, the driver. though one hardly knows why, recall to "Hollo " said that respectable person, one's mind the idea of a cold fillet of standing up on the box, and leaning with veal. Out went the servant, and in camp one hand on the roof of the omnibus. the nurse, with a remarkably small par"Hollo, Tom! tell the gentleman if so cel in her arms, packed up in a blue be as he feels aggrieved, we will take mantle trimmed with white fur-This him up to the Edge-er (Edgeware) Road was the baby. for nothing, and set him down at Doory- "Now, uncle," said Mr. Kitterbell, liftlane when we comes back. He can't ing up that part of the mantle which covreject that, anyhow." ered the infant's face, with an air of great The argument was irresistible: Dumps triumph, " Who do you think he's like?" paid the disputed sixpence, and in a quar- " He! he! Yes, who?" said Mrs. K. ter of an hour was on the stair-case of putting her arm through her husband's, No. 14, Great Russell-street. and looking up into Dumps's face with an Every thing indicated that preparations expression of as much interest as she was were making for the reception of " a few capable of displaying. friends" in the evening. Two dozen ex- "Good God, how small he is!" cried tra tumblers, and four ditto wine-glasses the amiable uncle, starting back with -looking any thing but transparent, with well-feigned surprise; "remarkably small.ittle bits of straw in them-were on the indeed." slab in the passage, just arrived. There "Do you think so." inquired poor litwas a great smell of nutmeg, port wine, tie Kitterbell, rather alarmed. "He `"-~' i I.... ~~~~~~~~~~/ I' ~~~~~ i~~, 1~' i?)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~' csi','1,I't!p iII'~ ~~! ~'~i ~i,~, It THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING. 247 A monster to what he was-ain't he, funeral to perform in something less than nurse I" an hour. The godfathers and godmother, "He's a dear," said the nurse, squeez- therefore, promised to renounce the devil ing the child, and evading the question- and all his works —" and all that sort of not because she scrupled to disguise the thing"-as little Kitterbell said —" in less fact, but because she couldn't afiord to than no time;" and, with the exception of throw away the chance of Dumps's half- Dumps nearly letting the child fall into crown. the font when he handed it to the clergy"Well, but who is he like I" inquired man, the whole affair went off in the usual little Kitterbell. business-like and matter-of-course manner, Dumps looked at the little pink-heap and Dumps re-entered the Bank-gates at before him, and only thought at the mo- two o'clock with a heavy heart, and the ment of the best mode of mortifying the painful conviction that he was regularly youthful parents. booked for an evening party. "I really don't know who he's like," he Evening came-and so did Dumps's answered, very well knowing the reply pumps, black silk stockings, and white craexpected of him. vat which he had ordered to be forwarded, "Don't you think he's like me?" in- per boy, from Pentonville. The depressquired his nephew, with a knowing air. ed godfather dressed himself at a friend's "Oh, decidedly not!" returned Dumps, counting-house, from whence, with his with an emphasis not to be misunderstood. spirits fifty degrees below proof, he sallied "Decidedly not like you.-Oh, certainly forth-as the weather had cleared up, and not." the evening was tolerably fine-to walk "Like Jemimal" asked Kitterbell, faintly. to Great Russell-street. Slowly he paced "Oh dear, no; not in the least. I'm up Cheapside, Newgate-street, down Snowno judge, of course, in such cases; but I hill, and up Holborn ditto, looking as grim really think he's more like one of those as the figure-head of a man-of-war, and little carved representations that one some- finding out fresh causes of misery at every times sees blowing a trumpet on a tomb- step. As he was crossing the corner of stone!" The nurse stooped down over the Hatton-garden, a man apparently intoxichild, and with great difficulty prevented cated, rushed against him, and would have an explosion of mirth. Pa and ma looked knocked him down had he not been provialmost as miserable as their amiable uncle. dentially caught by a very genteel young "Well!" said the disappointed little man who happened to be close to him at father, "you'll be better able to tell what the time. The shock so disarranged he's like by-and-by. You shall see him Dumps's nerves, as well as his dress, that this evening with his mantle off" he could hardly stand. The gentleman " Thank you," said Dumps, feeling par- took his arm, and in the kindest manner ticularly grateful. walked with him as far as Furnival's Inn. "Now, my love," said Kitterbell to his Dumps, for about the first time in his life, wife, "it's time we were off. We're to felt grateful and polite; and he and the meet the other godfather and the godmo- gentlemanly-looking young man parted ther at the church, uncle-Mr. and Mrs. with mutual expressions of good will. Wilson over the way-uncommonly nice "There are at least some well-disposed people. My love, are you well wrapped men in the world," ruminated the misanup " thropical Dumps, as he proceeded towards "Yes, dear." his destination. "Are you sure you won't have another Rat-tat-ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-rat-knocked a shawl 3" inquired the anxious husband, hackney-coachman at Kitterbell's door, in "No, sweet," returned the charming imitation of a gentleman's servant, just as mother, accepting Dumps's proffered arm; Dumps reached it; and out came an old and the little party entered the hackney- lady in a large toque, and an old gentlecoach that was to take them to the church; man in a blue coat, and three female coDumps amusing Mrs. Kitterbell by expa- pies of the old lady in pink dresses, and tiating largely on the danger of measles, shoes to match. thrush, teeth-cutting, and other interesting "It's a large party," sighed the unhap. diseases to which children are subject. py godfather, wiping the perspiration from The ceremony (which occupied about his fbrehead, and leaning against the areafive minutes) passed off without any thing railings. It was sometime before the miseparticular occurring. The clergyman had rable man could muster up courage to to dine some distance from town, and had knock at the door, and when he did, th(e two churchings, three christenings, and a smart appearance of a neighbouring green 248 SKETCHES BY BOZ. grocer (who had been hired to wait for sev- salmon might be supposed to be on a graen and sixpence, and whose calves alone vel walk. were worth double the money,) the lamp "Happy to see you again," said Mrs. in the passage, and the Venus on the land- Kitterbell, quite unconscious of the unfor. ing, added to the hum of many voices, and tunate man's confusion and misery; "you the sound of a harp and two violins, pain- must allow me to introduce you to a few fully convinced him that his surmises were of our friends:-my mamma, Mr. Dumps but too well founded. -my papa and sisters." Dumps seized " How are you 1" said little Kitterbell, the hand of the mother as warmly as if she in a greater bustle than ever, bolting out was his own parent, bowed to the young laof the little back parlour with a corkscrew dies, and against a gentleman behind him, in his hand, and various particles of saw- and took no notice whatever of the father, dust, looking like so many inverted com- who had been bowing incessantly for three mas, on his inexpressibles. minutes and a quarter. "Good God!" said Dumps turning into "Uncle," said little Kitterbell, after the aforesaid parlour to put his shoes on Dumps had been introduced to a select which he had brought in his coat-pocket, dozen or two, "you must let me lead you and still more appalled by the sight of sev- to the other end of the room, to introduce en fresh-drawn corks, and a corresponding you to my friend Danton. Such a splennumber of decanters. " How many peo- did fellow!-I'm sure you'11 like himple are there up stairs " this way."-Dumps followed as tractably "Oh, not above thirty-five. We've as a tame bear. had the carpet taken up in the back draw- Mr. Danton was a young man of about ing-room, and the piano and the card-ta- five-and-twenty, with a considerable stock bles are in the front. Jemima thought of impudence, and a very small share of we'd better have a regular sit-down sup- ideas: he was a great favourite, especially per, in the front parlour, because of the with young ladies of from sixteen to twenspeechifying, and all that. But, Lord! ty-six years of age, both inclusive. He uncle, what's the matter I" continued the could imitate the French-horn to admiraexcited little man, as Dumps stood with tion, sang comic songs most inimitably, one shoe on, rummaging his pockets with and had the most insinuating way of saythe most frightful distortion of visage. ing impertinent nothings to his doting fe" What have you lost? Your pocket-bookl" male admirers. He had acquired, some" No," returned Dumps, diving first into how or other, the reputation of being a one pocket and then into the other, and great wit, and, accordingly, whenever he speaking in a voice like Desdemona with opened his mouth, every body who knew the pillow over her mouth. him laughed very heartily. " Your card-case? snuff-box? the key The introduction took place indue form. of your lodgings?" continued Kitterbell, Mr. Danton bowed and twirled a lady's pouring question on question with the ra- handkerchief, which he held in his hand, pidity of lightning. in a most comic way. Every body smiled. "No! no!" ejaculated Dumps, still div- "Very warm," said Dumps, feeling it ing eagerly into his empty pocket. necessary to say something. "Not-not-the mug you spoke of this "Yes. It was warmer yesterday," remorning'" turned the brilliant Mr. Danton.-A gene"Yes, the mug!" replied Dumps, sink- ral laugh. ing into a chair. " I have great pleasure in congratulat"How could you have done it?" inqui- ing you on your first appearance in the red Kitterbell. "Are you sure you brought character of a father, sir," he continued, it out!" addressing Dumps-" godfather, I mean." "Yes! yes! I see it all," said Dumps, -The young ladies were convulsed, and as the idea flashed across his mind; " mise- the gentlemen in ecstasies. rable dog that I am-I was born to suffer. A general hum of admiration interrupted I see it all; it was the gentlemanly-look- the conversation, and announced the ening young man!" trance of nurse with the baby. An uni" Mr. Dumps!" shouted the greengro- versal rushof the young ladies immediately cer in a stentorian voice, as he ushered took place. (Girls are always so fond of the somewhat recovered godfather into the babies in company.) drawing-room half an hour after the above " Oh, you dear!" said one. declaracion. " Mr. Dumps!"-every body " How sweet!" cried another, in a low looked at the door, and in came Dumps, tone of the most enthusiastic admiration. fieling about as much out of place as a "Heavenly!" added a third. THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING. 249 "' Oh! what dear little arms!" said a kept calling out for clean plates, and the fourth, holding up an arm and fist about clean plates did not come; and then the.he size and shape of the leg of a fowl gentlemen who wanted the plates said cleanly picked. they didn't mind they'd take a lady's; and " Did you ever"-said a little coquette then Mrs. Kitterbell applauded their galwith a large bustle, who looked like a lantry, and the greengrocer ran about till French lithograph, appealing to a gentle- he thought his seven and sixpence was man in three waistcoats —" Did you ever!" very hardly earned; and the young ladies "Never, in my life," returned her ad- didn't eat much for fear it shouldn't look mirer, pulling up his collar. romantic, and the married ladies eat as "Oh! do let me take it, nurse," cried much as possible, for fear they shouldn't another young lady. "The love!" have enough; and a great deal of wine "Can it open its eyes, nurse?" inquired was drunk, and every body talked and another, affecting the utmost innocence.- laughed considerably. Suffice it to say, that the single ladies "Hush! hush!" said Mr. Kitterbell, unanimously voted him an angel, and that rising and looking very important. " My the married ones, nem. con., agreed that love (this was addressed to his wife at the he was decidedly the finest baby they had other end of the table,) take care of Mrs.. ever beheld-except their own. Maxwell, and your mamma, and the rest The quadrilles were resumed with great of the married ladies; the gentlemen will spirit. Mr. Danton was universally ad- persuade the young ladies to fill their mitted to be beyond himself, several young glasses, I am sure." ladies enchanted the company and gained "Ladies and gentlemen," said long admirers by singing " We met"-" I saw Dumps, in a very sepulchral voice and her at the Fancy Fair"-and other equal- ruefil accent, rising from his chair like ly sentimental and interesting ballads. the ghost in Don Juan, " will you have "The young men," as Mrs. Kitterbell the kindness to charge your glasses? I am said, "made themselves very agreeable;" desirous of proposing a toast." the girls did not lose their opportunity; A dead silence. ensued, and the glasses and the evening promised to go off excel- were filled-every body looked serious. lently. Dumps didn't mind it: he had "Ladies and gentlemen," slowly condevised a plan for himself-a little bit of tinued the ominous Dumps, "I"-(here fun in his own way-and he was almost Mr. Danton imitated two notes from the happy! He played a rubber and lost French-horn, in a very loud key, which every point. Mr. Danton said he could electrified the nervous toast-proposer, and not have lost every point, because he made convulsed his audience.) a poiit of losing: -every body laughed "Order! order!" said little Kitterbell, tremendously. Dumps retorted with a endeavouring to suppress his laughter. better joke, and nobody smiled, with the "Order!" said the gentlemen. exception of the host, who seemed to con- "Danton, be quiet," said a particular sider it his duty to laugh till he was black friend on the opposite side of the table. in the face, at every thing. There was "Ladies and gentlemen," resumed only one drawback-the musicians did not Dumps, somewhat recovered, and not play with quite as much spirit as could much disconcerted, for he was always a have been wished. The cause, however, pretty good hand at a speech-" In accordwas satisfactorily explained; for it ap- ance with what is, I believe, the estabpeared, on the testimony of a gentleman lished usage on these occasions, I, as one who had come up from Gravesend in the of the godfathers of Master Frederick afternoon, that they had been engaged on Charles William Kitterbell -(here the board a steamer all day, and had played speaker's voice faltered, for he renmemalmost without cessation all the way to bered the mug) venture to rise to propose Gravesend, and all the way back again. a toast. I need hardly say that it is the The " sit-down supper" was excellent; health and prosperity of that young genthere were four barley-sugar temples on tleman, the particular event of whose the table, which would have looked beau- early life we are here met to celebrate — tiful if they had not melted away when (applause.) Ladies and gentlemen, it is the supper began; and a water-mill, whose impossible to suppose that our friends here, only fault was that instead of going round, whose sincere well-wishers we all are, it ran over the table-cloth. Then there can pass through life without some trials, were fowls, and tongue, and trifle, and considerable suffering, severe affliction. sweets, and lobster salad, and potted beef and heavy losses!"-Here the arch-tr&, -and every thing. And little Kitterbell tor paused, and slowly drew forth a long, 2G 250 SKETCHES BY BOZ. white pocket-handkerchief —his example must bind himself by a solemn obligation, was followed by several ladies. "That not to make any speech after supper; and these trials may be long spared them, is it is indispensable that he should be in no my most earnest prayer, my most fervent way connected'with "the most miserable wish (a distinct sob from the glrandmother.) man in the world," I hope and trust, ladies and gentlemen, that the infant whose christening we have this evening met to celebrate, may not be removed from the arms of his parents by CHAPTER XII. premature decay (several cambrics were in requisition;) that his young and now THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH. apparently healthy form, may not be wasted by lingering disease. (Here WE will be bold to says that there is Dumps cast a sardonic glance around, for scarcely a man in the constant habit of a great sensation was manifest among the walking, day after day, through any of the married ladies.) You, I am sure, will crowded thoroughfares of London, who concur with me in wishing that he may cannot recollect among the people whom live to be a comfort and a blessing to his he "knows by sight," to use a familiar parents.'Hear, hear!' and an audible phrase, some being of abject and wretched sob from Mr. Kitterbell.) But should he appearance whom he remembers to have not be what we should wish-should he seen in a very different condition, whom forget in after times, the duty which he he has observed sinking lower and lower owes to them-should they unhappily ex- by almost imperceptible degrees, and the perience that distracting truth,' how shabbiness and utter destitution of whose sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have appearance, at last, strike forcibly and a thankless child"'- Here Mrs. Kitter- painfully upon him, as he passes by. Is bell, with her handkerchief to her eyes, there any man who has mixed much with and accompanied by several ladies, rushed society, or whose avocations have caused from the room, and went into violent hys- him to mingle, at one time or other, with terics in the passage, leaving her better a great number of people, who cannot call half in almost as bad a condition, and a to mind the time when some shabby, mise. general impression in Dumps's favour; for rable wretch, in rags and filth, who shuf people like sentiment, after all. fles past him now in all the squalor of It need hardly be added, that this oc- disease and poverty, was a respectable currence quite put a stop to the harmony tradesman, or a clerk, or a man following of the evening. Vinegar, hartshorn, and some thriving pursuit, with good prospects cold water, were now as much in request and decent means; —or cannot any of ow as negus, rout-cakes, and bon-bons had readers call to mind from among the lis been a short time before. Mrs. Kitterbell of their quondam acquaintance, some fall was immediately conveyed to her apart- en and degraded man, who lingers abou. ment, the musicians were silenced, flirting the pavement in hungry misery-from ceased, and the company slowly departed. whom every one turns coldly away, and Dumps left the house at the commence- who preserves himself from sheer starvament of the bustle, and walked home with tion, nobody knows howl Alas! such a light step, and (for him) a cheerful cases are of too frequent occurrence tobe heart. His landlady, who slept in the rare items in any man's experience; and next room, has offered to make oath, that but too often arise from one cause-drunkshe heard him laugh in his peculiar man- enness,-that fierce rage for the slow, ner, after he had locked his door. The sure poison, that oversteps every other assertion, however, is so improbable, and consideration: that casts aside wife, chilbears on the face of it such strong evi- dren, frieads, happiness, and station; and dence of untruth, that it has never ob- hurries its victims madly on to degradatained credence to this hour. tion and death. The family of Mr. Kitterbell has con- Some of these men have been impelled siderably increased since the period to by misfortune and misery, to the vice that which we nave referred; he has now two has degraded them. The ruin of worldly sons and a daughter: and as he expects, expectations, the death of those they at no distant period, to have another addi- loved, the sorrow that slowly consumes, tion to his blooming progeny, he is anxious but will not break the heart, has driven to secure an eligible godfather for the oc- them wild; and they present the hideous easion. Ile is determined, however, to spectacle of madmen, slowly dying by,muose tpon him t.w-o..onditions. He their own hands. But, by far the greater THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH. 251 part have wilfully, and with open eyes, \ raving of deeds, the very name of which plunged into the gulf from which the man has driven the boldest man away. who once enters it never rises more, but But no such ravings were to be- heard into which he sinks deeper and deeper at the bed-side by which the children down, until recovery is hopeless. knelt. Their halftstifled sobs and moanSuch a man as this, once stood by the ings alone broke the silence of the lonely bed-side of his dying wife, while his chil- chamber. And when at last the mother's dren knelt around, and mingled low bursts grasp relaxed; and turning one look fiom of grief with their innocent prayers. the children to their father, she vainly The room was scantily and meanly fur- strove to speak, and fell backward on the nished; and it needed but a glance at the pillow, all was so calm and tranquil that pale form from which the light of life was she seemed to sink to sleep. They leant fast passing away, to know that grief, and over her; they called upon her name, want, and anxious care, had been busy at softly at first, and then in the loud and the heart for many a weary year. An piercing tones of desperation. But there elderly female, with her face bathed in was no reply. They listened for her tears, was supporting the head of the breath, but no sound came. They felt dying woman-her daughter-on her arm. for the palp.itation of the heart, but no But it was not towards her that the wan faint throb responded to the touch. That face turned; it was not her hand that the heart was broken, and she was dead! cold and trembling fingers clasped; they The husband sunk into a chair by the pressed the husband's arm; the eyes so bed-side, and clasped his hands upon his soon to be closed in death, rested on his burning forehead. He gazed from child face; and the man shook beneath their to child, but when a weeping eye met his, gaze. His dress was slovenly and disor- he quailed beneath its look. No word of dered, his face inflamed, his eyes blood- comfort was whispered in his ear, no look shot and heavy. He had been summoned of kindness lighted on his face. All from some wild debauch to the bed of sor- shrunk from, and avoided him; and when row and of death. at last he staggered from the room, no one A shaded lamp by the bed-side cast a sought to follow, or console the widower. dim light on the figures around, and left The time had been when many a friend the remainder of the room in thick, deep would have crowded round him in his afshadow. The silence of night prevailed fliction, and many a heartfelt condolence without the house, and the stillness of would have met him in his grief. Where death was in the chamber. A watch hung were they now? One by one, friends, over the mantelshelf; its low ticking was relations, the commonest acquaintance the only sound that broke the profound even, had fallen off from and deserted the quiet, but it was a solemn one, for well drunkard. His wife alone had clung to they knew, who heard it, that before it him in good and evil, in sickness and pohad recorded the passing of another hour, verty; and how had he rewarded herT it would beat the knell of a departed He had reeled from the tavern to her bedspirit. side, in time to see her die. It is a dreadful thing to wait and watch He rushed from the house, and walked for the approach of death; to know that swiftly through the streets. Remorse, hope is gone, and recovery impossible; fear, shame, all crowded on his mind. and to sit and count the dreary hours Stupified with drink, and bewildered with through long, long nights —such nights as the scene he had just witnessed, he reonly watchers by the bed of sickness entered the tavern he had quitted shortly know. It chills the blood to hear the before. Glass succeeded glass. His blood dearest secrets of the heart, the pent-up, mounted, and his brain whirled round. hidden secrets of many years, poured forth Death! Every one must die, and why by the unconscious helpless being before not she? She was too good for him; her you; and to think how little the reserve relations had often told him so. Curses and cunning of a whole life will avail, on them! Had they not deserted her, and when fever and delirium tear off the mask left her to whine away the time at home'! at last. Strange tales have been told in Well; she was dead, and happy perhaps. the wanderings of dying men; tales so It was better as it was. Another glass — full of guilt and crime, that those who one more! Hurrah! It was a merry life stood by the sick person's couch have fled while it lasted; and he would make the in horror and affright, lest they should be most of it. scared to madness by what they heard and Time went on; the three children who saw; and many a wretch has died alone. were left to him grew up, and were chil. 252 SKETCHES BY BOZ. dren no longer; the father remained the the centre of the alley-all the sluggish same-poorer, shabbier, and more disso- odours of which had been called forth by lute-looking, but the same confirmed and the rain; and as the wind whistled through irreclaimable drunkard. The boys had, the old houses, the doors and shutters long ago, run wild in the streets, and left creaked upon their hinges, and the winhim; the girl alone remained, but she dows shook in their frames, with a violence worked hard, and words or blows could which every moment seemed to threaten always procure him something for the the destruction of the whole place. tavern. So he went on in the old course, The man whom we have, followed intc and a merry life he led. this den, walked on in the darkness, someOne night, as early as ten o'clock-for times stumbling into the main gutter, and the girl had been sick for many days, and at others into some branch repositories there was, consequently, little to spend at of garbage which had been formed by the the public-house-he bent his steps home- rain, until he reached the last house in wards, bethinking himself that if he would the court. The door, or rather what was have her able to earn money, it would be left of it, stood ajar, for the convenience as well to apply to the parish surgeon, or, of the numerous lodgers; and he proceedat all events, to take the trouble of in- ed to grope his way up the old and broken quiring what ailed her, which he had not stair to the attic story. yet thought it worth while to do. It was He was within a step or two of his a wet December night; the wind blew room door, when it opened, and a girl, piercing cold, and the rain poured heavily whose miserable and emaciated appear. down. He begged a few half-pence from ance was only to be equalled by that of a passer-by, and having bought a small the candle which she shaded with her loaf (for it was his interest to keep the hand, peeped anxiously out. girl alive, if he could) he shuffled on- "Is that you, father?" said the girl. wards, as fast as the wind and rain would "Who else should it be?" replied the let him. man gruffly. " What are you trembling At the back of Fleet-street, and lying at? It's little enough that I've had to between it and the waterside, are several drink to-day, for there's no drink without mean and narrow courts, which form a money, and no money without work. portion of Whitefriars; it was to one of What the devil's the matter with the these, that he directed his steps. girl?" The alley into which he turned, might, "I am not well, father-not at all well," for filth and misery, have competed with said the girl, bursting into tears. the darkest corner of this ancient sanctu- "Ah!" replied the man, in the tone of ary in its dirtiest and most lawless time. a person who is compelled to admit a very The houses, varying from two stories in unpleasant fact, to which he would rather height to four, were stained with every remain blind, if he could. " You must indescribable hue that long exposure to get better somehow, for we must have the weather, damp, and rottenness can money. You must go to the parish docimpart' to tenements composed originally tor, and make him give you some mediof the roughest and coarsest materials. cine. They're paid for it, damn'em. The windows were patched with paper, What are you standing before the door, and stuffed with the foulest rags; the for? Let me come in, can't you?" doors were falling fiom their hinges; "Father," whispered the girl, shutting poles with lines on which to dry clothes, the door behind her, and placing herself projected from every casement, and sounds before it, Willliam has come back." of quarrelling or drunkenness issued from Who?" said the man, with a start. every room. "Hush," replied the girl, "William; The solitary oil lamp in the centre of brother William." the court had been blown out, either by "And what does he want?" said the the violence of the wind or the act of man, with an effort at composure —"monsome inhabitant who had excellent reasons ey? meat? drink? He's come to the lbr objecting to his residence being ren- wrong shop for that, if he does. Give me dered too conspicuous: and the only light the candle-give me the candle, fool-I which fell upon the broken and uneven ain't a going to hurt him." He snatched pavement, was derived from the misera- the candle from her hand, and walked ale candles that here and there twinkled into the room. in the rooms of such of the more fortunate Sitting on an old box, with his head residents as could afford to indulge in so resting on his hand, and his eyes fixed expensive a luxury. A gutter ran down on a wretched cinder-fire that was smolld THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH. 253 ering on the hearth, was a young man of and hung for that man's murder. They about two-and-twenty, miserably clad in cannot trace me here, without your asan old coarse jacket and trousers. He sistance, father. For aught I know, you started up when his father entered. may give me up to justice; but unless " Fasten the door, Mary," said the you do, here I stop, until I can venture to young man hastily —" Fasten the door. escape abroad." You look as if you didn't know me, father. For two whole days, all three remained It's long enough since you drove me from in the wretched room, without stirring home; you may well forget me." out. On the third evening however, the "And what do you want here, now?" girl was worse than she had been yet, and said-the father, seating himself on a stool, the few scraps of food they had were on the other side of the fireplace. "What gone. It was indispensably necessary do you want here, now " - that somebody should go out; and as the "Shelter," replied the son, "I'm in girl was too weak and ill, the father went, trouble; that's enough. If I'm caught, just at nightfall. I shall swing; that's certain. Caught He got some medicine for the girl, and I shall be, unless I stop here; that's as a trifle in the way of pecuniary assistance. certain. And there's an end of it." On his way back, he earned sixpence by' You mean to say, you've been rob- holding a horse; and he turned homebing, or murdering, then?" said the father. wards with enough money to supply their' Yes, I do," replied the son. "Does most pressing wants for two or three days it surprise you, father?" He looked to come. He had to pass the public-house. steadily in the man's face, but he with- He lingered for an instant, walked past drew his eyes, and bent them on the it, turned back again, lingered once more, ground. and finally slunk in. Two men whom he "Where's your brothers?" he said, had not observed, were on the watch. after a long pause. They were on the point of giving up "Where they'll never trouble you," their search in despair, when his loitering replied his son: "John's gone to Amer- attracted their attention; and when he ica, and Henry's dead." entered the public-house, they followed " Dead!" said the father, with a shud- him. der, which even he could not repress. "You'11 drink with me, master," said "Dead," replied the young man. " He one of them, proffering him a glass of died in my arms-shot like a dog, by a liquor. game-keeper. He staggered back, I "And me too," said the other, replen. caught him, and his blood trinkled down ishing the glass as soon as it was drained my hands. It poured out from his side of its contents. like water. He was weak, and it blinded The man thought of his hungry chilhim, but he threw himself down on his dren, and his son's danger. But they knees, on the grass, and prayed to God, were nothing to the drunkard. He did that if his mother was in Heaven, He drink: and his reason left him. would hear her prayers for pardon for her "A wet night, Warden," whispered youngest son.' I was her favourite boy, one of the men in his ear, as he at length Will,' he said,'and I am glad to think, turned to go away, after spending in linow, that when she was dying, though I quor one-half of the money on which, was a very young child then, and my perhaps, his daughter's life depended. little heart was almost bursting, I knelt "The right sort of night for our friends down at the foot of the bed, and thanked in hiding, Master Warden," whispered God for having made me so fond of her as the other. to have never once done any thing to "Sit down here," said the one who had bring the tears into her eyes. Oh, Will, spoken first, drawing him into a corner. why was she taken away, and father left!' " We have been looking arter the young There's his dying words, father," said the un. We came to tell him, it's all right young man; "make the best you can of now; but we couldn't find him'cause we'em. You struck him across the face, in hadn't got the precise direction. But a drunken fit, the morning we ran away; that ain't strange, for I don't think he and here's the end of it." know'd it himself, when he come to LonThe girl wept aloud; and the father, don, did ha " sinking his head upon his knees, rocked "No, he didn't," replied the father. himself to and fro. The two men exchanged glances. " If I am taken," said the young man, "There's a vessel down at the docks, "1 shall be carried back into the country, to sail at midnight, when it's high water,' 22 254 SKETCHES BY BOZ. resumed the first speaker, " and we'11 put window of the wretched room, Warden him on board. His passage is taken in awoke from his heavy sleep, and, found another name, and what's better than himself alone. He rose and looked round that, it's paid for. It's lucky we met him; the old flock mattress on the floor you." was undisturbed; every thing was just as "Very," said the second. lie remembered to have seen it last: and "Capital luck," said the first, with a there were no signs of any one, save him. wink to his companion. self, having occupied the room during the "Great," replied the second, with a night. He inquired of the other lodgers, slight nod of intelligence. and of the neighbours; but his daughter "Another glass here; quick "-said had not been seen or heard of. H-e ramthe first speaker. And in five minutes bled through the streets, and scrutinized more, the father had unconsciously yield- each wretched face among the crowds that ed up his own son into the hangman's thronged them, with anxious eyes. But hands. his search was fruitless, and he returned Slowly and heavily the time dragged to his garret when night came on, deso along, as the brother and sister, in their late and weary. miserable hiding-place, listened in anxious For many days he occupied himself in suspense to the slightest sound. At length, the same manner, but no trace of his a heavy footstep was heard upon the stair; daughter did he meet with, and no word it approached nearer; it reached the land- of her reached his ears. At length he ing; and the father staggered into the gave up the pursuit as hopeless. He had room. long thought of the probability of her leavThe girl saw that he was intoxicated, ing him, and endeavouring to gain her and advanced with the candle in her hand bread in quiet, elsewhere. She had left to meet him; she stopped short, gave a him at last to starve alone. He ground loud scream, and fell senseless on the his teeth, and cursed her! ground. She had caught sight of the I-e begged his bread from door to door. shadow of a man, reflected on the floor. Every halfpenny he could wring from the They both rushed in, and in another in- pity or credulity of those to whom he ac stant the young man was a prisoner, and dressed himself, was spent in the old way. handcuffed. A year passed over his head; the roof of "Very quietly done," said one of the a jail was the only one that had sheltered men to his companion, "thanks to the old him for many months. He slept undel man. Lift up the girl, Tom-come, come, archways, and in brick-fields-any where, it's no use crying, young woman. It's where there was some warmth or sheltef all over now, and can't be helped." from the cold and rain. But in the last The young man stooped for an instant stage of poverty, disease, and houseless over the girl, and then turned fiercely want, he was a drunkard still. round upon his father, who had reeled At last, one bitter night, he sunk down against the wall, and was gazing on the on a door-step faint and ill. The premagroup with drunken stupidity. ture decay of vice and profligacy had worn "Listen to me, father," he said, in a him to the bone. His cheeks were holtone that made the drunkard's flesh creep. low and livid; his eyes were sunken, and' My brother's blood, and mine, is on your their Sight was dim. His legs trembled head: I never had kind look, or word, or beneath his weight, and a cold shiver ran care, from you, and alive or dead, I never through every limb. will forgive you. Die when you will, or And now the long-forgotten scenes of a how, I will be with you. I speak as a misspent life crowded thick and fast upon dead man now, and I warn you, father, him. He thought of the time when he that as surely as you must one day stand had a home-a happy, cheerful homebefore your Maker, so surely shall your and of those who peopled it, and flocked children be there, hand in hand, to cry for about him then, until the forms of his elder judgment against you." He raised his children seemed to rise from the grave, manacled hands in a threatening attitude, and stand about him-so plain, so clear fixed his eyes on his shrinking parent, and and so distinct they were that he could slowly left the room; and neither father touch and feel them. Looks that he had nor sister ever beheld him more, on this long forgotte. were fixed upon him once side af the grave. more; voices long since hushed in death When the dim and misty light of a win- sounded in his ears like the music of vil ter's morning penetrated into the narrow lage bells. But it was only for an instant. court and struggled through the begrimed The rain beat heavily upon him; and THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH. 255 cold and hunger were gnawing at his heart hope of liberty and life half so eagerly as again. did that of the wretched man at the prosHe rose, and dragged his feeble limbs pect of death. The watch passed close to a few paces further. The street was si- him, but he remained unobserved; and lent and empty; the few passengers who after waiting till the sound of footsteps had passed by, at that late hour, hurried quick- died away in the distance, he cautiously ly on, and his tremulous voice was lost in descended, and stood beneath the gloomy the violence of the storm. Again that arch that forms the landing-place from the heavy chill struck through his frame, and river. his blood seemed to stagnate beneath it. The tide was in, and the water flowed He coiled himself up in a projecting door- at his feet. The rain had ceased, the wind way, and tried to sleep. was lulled, and all was, for the moment, But sleep had fled from his dull and still and quiet-so quiet that the slightest glazed eyes. His mind wandered strange- sound on the opposite bank, even the rip. ly, but he was awake, and conscious. The pling of the water against the barges that well-known shout of drunken mirth sound- were moored there, was distinctly audible ed in his ear, the glass was at his lips, the to his ear. The stream stole languidly boara was covered with choice rich food- and sluggishly on. Strange and fantastic they were before him: he could see them forms rose to the surface, and beckoned all, he had but to reach out his hand, and him to approach; dark gleaming eyes take them-and, though the illusion was peered from the water, and seemed to reality itself, he knew that he was sitting mock his hesitation, while hollow murmurs alone in the deserted street, watching the from behind, urged him onwards. He rerain-drops as they pattered on the stones; treated a few paces, took a short run, a desthat death was coming upon him by inches perate leap, and plunged into the river. -and that there was none to care for or Not five seconds had passed when he help him. rose to the water's surface-but what a Suddenly, he started up, in the extrem- change had taken place in that short time, ity of terror. He had heard his own voice in all his thoughts and feelings! Lifeshouting in the night air, he knew not life-in any form, poverty, misery, starvawhat, or why. Hark! A groan!-ano- tion-any thing but death. He fought ther! His senses were leaving him: half- and struggled with the water that closed formed and incoherent words burst from over his head, and screamed in agonies of his lips; and his hands sought to tear and terror. The curse of his own son rang in lacerate his flesh. He was going mad, his ears. The shore-but one foot of dry and he shrieked for help till his voice fail- ground-he could almost touch the step. ed him. One hand's breadth nearer, and he was He raised his head, and looked up the saved-but the tide bore him onward, unlong dismal street. He recollected that der the dark arches of the bridge, and he outcasts like himself, condemned to wan- sank to the bottom. der day and night in those dreadful streets, Again he rose, and struggled for life. had sometimes gone distracted with their For one instant-for one brief instantown loneliness. He remembered to have, the buildings on the river's banks, the heard many years before that a homeless lights on the bridge through which the wretch had once been found in a solitary current had borne him, the black water, corner, sharpening a rusty knife to plunge and the fast flying clouds, were distinctly into his own heart, preferring death to that visible-once more he sunk, and once endless, weary, wandering to and fro. In again he rose. Bright flames of fire shot an instant his resolve was taken, his limbs up from earth to heaven, and reeled before received new life; he ran quickly from his eyes, while the water thundered in his the spot, and paused not for breath until ears, and stunned him with its furious he reached the river-side. roar. He crept slowly down the steep stone A week afterwards the body was wash. stairs that lead from the commencement ed ashore, some miles down the river, a of Waterloo Bridge, down to the water's swollen and disfigured mass. Unrecog? level. He crouched into a corner, and nized and unpitied, it was borne to the held his breath, as the patrol passed. Ne- grave; and there it has long since mouldver did prisoner's heart throb with the ered away! 256 SKETCHES BY BOZ. CHAPTER XIII. In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together in soPUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE-ONCE lemn council for the public weal. Seated MAYOR OF MUDFOG. Ion the massive wooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the MUDFOG is a pleasant town-a remark- only furniture of the whitewashed apartably pleasant town-situated in a charm- ment, the sage men of Mudfog spend ing hollow by the side of a river, from hour after hour in grave deliberation. which river, Mudfog derives an agreeable Here they settle at what hour of the night scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a the public-houses shall be closed, at what roving population in oil-skin hats, a pretty hour of the morning they shall be permitsteady influx of drunken bargemen, and a ted to open; how soon it shall be lawful great many other maritime advantages. for people to eat their dinner on churchThere is a good deal of water about Mud- days, and other great political questions; fog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of and sometimes, long after silence has falltown for a watering-place, either. Water en on the town, and the distant lights is a perverse sort of element at the best from the shops and houses have ceased to of times, and in Mudfog it is particularly twinkle, like far-off stars, to the sight of so. In winter it comes oozing down the the boatmen on the river, the illumination streets and tumbling over the fields,-nay, in the two unequal-sized windows of the rushes into the very cellars and kitchens town-hall, warns the inhabitants of Mudof the houses, with a lavish prodigality fog that its little body of legislators, like that might well be dispensed with; but in a larger and better-known body of the the hot summer weather it will dry up, same genus, a great deal more noisy, and and turn green; and although green is a not a whit more profound, are patriotically very good colour in its way, especially in dozing away in company, far into the grass, still it certainly is not becoming to night, for their country's good. water; and it cannot be denied that the Among this knot of sage and learned beauty of Mudfog is rather impaired, even men, no one was so eminently distinguishby this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is ed, during many years, for the quiet rnoa healthy place-very healthy;-damp, desty of his appearance and demeanour, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It's as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known quite a mistake to suppose that damp is coal-dealer. However exciting the subunwholesome: plants thrive best in damp ject of discussion, however animated the situations, and why shouldn't men? The tone of the debate, or however warm the inhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous in personalities exchanged, (and even in asserting that there exists not a finer race Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) of people on the face of the earth; here Nicholas Tulrumble was always the same. we have an indisputable and veracious To say truth, Nicholas, being an industricontradiction of the vulgar error at once. ous man, and always up betimes, was apt So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, we dis- to fall asleep when a debate began, and to tinctly state that it is salubrious. remain asleep till it was over, when he The town of Mudfog is extremely pie- would wake up very much refreshed, and turesque. Limehouse and Ratcliffe High- give his vote with the greatest complaway are both something like it, but they cency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulgive you a very faint idea of Mudfog. rumble, knowing that everybody there There are a great many more public had made up his mind beforehand, consihouses in Mudfog,-more than in Rat- dered the talking as just a long botheracliffe Highway and Limehouse put toge- tion about nothing at all; and to the prether. The public buildings, too, are very sent hour it remains a question, whether imposing. We consider the Town-hall on this point at all events, Nicholas Tul one of the finest specimens of shed archi- rumble was not pretty near right. tecture extant: it is a combination of the Time, which strews a man's head with pig-sty and tea-garden-box orders; and silver, sometimes fills his pockets with the simplicity of its design is of surpass- gold. As he gradually performed one ing beauty. The idea of placing a large good office for Nicholas Tulrumble, he window on one side of the door, and a was obliging enough not to omit the other. small one on the other, is particularly Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement happy. There is a fine bold Doric beau- of four feet square, with a capital of two ly, too, about the padlock and scraper, and ninepence, and a stock in trade of which is strictly in keeping with the ge- three bushels and a half of coals, exclu neral effect. sive of the large lump which hung, by PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 257 way of sign-board, outside. Then he en- fog, the Mayor died. It was a most exlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then traordinary circumstance; he had lived in he left the shed, and the truck too, and Mudfog for eighty-five years. The corstarted a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; poration didn't understand it at all; indeed then he moved again, and set up a cart; it was with great difficulty that one old the cart was soon afterwards exchanged gentleman, who was a great stickler for for a wagon; and so he went on, like forms, was dissuaded from proposing a vote his great predecessor Whittington-only of censure on such unaccountable conduct. without a cat for a partner-increasing in Strange as it was, however, die he did, wealth and fame, until at last he gave up without taking the slightest notice of the business altogether, and retired with Mrs. corporation; and the corporation were imTulrumble and family to Mudfog Hall, peratively called upon to elect his sucwhich he had himself erected, on some- cessor. So, they met for the purpose; thing which he endeavoured to delude him- and being very full of Nicholas Tulrumble self into the belief was a hill, about a just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being quarter of a mile distant from the town of a very important man, they elected him, Mudfog. and wrote off to London by the very next About this time, it began to be mur- post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with mured in Mudfog that Nicholas Tulrum- his new elevation. ble was growing vain and haughty; that Now, it being November time, and Mr. prosperity and success had corrupted the Nicholas Tulrumble being in the capital, simplicity of his manners, and tainted the it fell out that he was present at the Lord natural goodness of his heart; in short, Mayor's show and dinner, at sight of the that he was setting up for a public charac- glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulter, and a great gentleman, and affected rumble, was greatly mortified, inasmuch to look down upon his old companions as the reflection would force itself on his with compassion and contempt. Whether mind, that, had he been born in London these reports were at the time well-found- instead of in Mudfog, he might have been ed, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrum- a Lord Mayor too, and have patronised the ble very shortly afterwards started a four,- judges, and been affable to the Lord Chanwheeled chaise, driven by a tall postilion cellor, and friendly with the Premier, and in a yellow cap, —that Mr. Tulrumble coldly condescending to the Secretary lo junior took to smoking segars, and calling the Treasury, and have dined with a flag the footman a " feller,"-and that Mr. behind his back, and done a great many Tulrumble, from that time forth, was no other acts and deeds which unto Lord more seen in his old seat in the chimney- Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. corner of the Lighterman's Arms at night. The more he thought of the Lord Mayor, This looked bad, but, more than this, it the more enviable a personage he seemed. began to be observed that Mr. Nicholas To be a King was all very well; but what Tulrumble attended the corporation meet- was the King to the Lord Mayor! When ings more frequently than heretofore; that the King made a speech, everybody knew he no longer went to sleep as he had it was somebody else's writing; whereas done for so many years, but propped his here was the Lord Mayor, talking away eyelids open with his two forefingers; for half an hour-all out of his own head that he read the newspapers by himself -amidst the enthusiastic applause of the at home; and that he was in the habit of whole company, while it was notorious indulging abroad in distant and mysteri- that the King might talk to his parliament ous allusions to " masses of people," and till he was black in the face without get"the property of the country," and "pro- ting so much as a single cheer. As all ductive power," and " the moneyed inte- these reflections passed through the mind rest:" all of which denoted and proved of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, Mayor of London appeared to him the or worse; and it puzzled the good people greatest sovereign on the face of the earth, of Mudfog amazingly. beating the Emperor of Russia all to noAt length, about the middle of the thing, and leaving the Great Mogul immonth of October, Mr. Tulrumble and measurably behind. family went up to London; the middle of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble in- over these things, and inwardly cursing formed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the the fate which had pitched his coal-shed very height of the fashionable season. in Mudfog, when the letter of the corpoSomehow or other, just about this time, ration was put into his hand. A crimson despite the health-preserving air of Mud- flush mantled over his face as he read it, 22* 22H 258 SKETCHES BY BOZ for visions of brightness were already ecute his functions with all that dignity dancing before his imagination. which their magnitude and importance "My dear," said Mr. Tulrumble to his demanded; and a great deal more to the wife, "they have elected me Mayor of same effect. But even this was not all. Mudfog." The tall postilion produced from his right"Lor-a-mussy!" said Mrs. Tulrumble: hand top-boot, a damp copy of that after"why, what's become ot old Sniggs V" noon's number of the county paper; and "The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrum- there, in large type, running the whole ble," said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for he length of the very first column, was a long by no means approved of the notion of un- address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the ceremoniously designating a gentleman inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said who had filled the high office of Mayor, that he cheerfully complied with their reas "old Sniggs,"-" The late Mr. Sniggs, quisi.tion, and, in short, as if to prevent Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead." any mistake about the matter, told them This communication was very unex- over again what a grand fellow he meant pected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only ejacu- to be, in very much the same terms as lated " Lor-a-mussy" once again, as if a those in which he had already told them Mayor were a mere ordinary Christian, at all about the matter in his letter. which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily. The corporation stared at one another " What a pity'tan't in London, ain't very hard at all this, and then looked as it?" said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a short if for explanation to the tall postilion, but pause; "what a pity'tan't in London, as the tall postilion was intently contemwhere you might have had a show." plating the gold tassel on the top of his "I might have a show in Mudfog, if I yellow cap, and could have afforded no thought proper, I apprehend," said Mr. explanation whatever, even if his thoughts Tulrumble mysteriously. had been entirely disengaged, they con" Lor! so you might, I declare," replied tented themselves with coughing very Mrs. Tulrumble. dubiously, and looking very grave. The "And a good one too," said Mr. Tul- tall postilion then delivered another letter, rumble. in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed "Delightful!" exclaimed Mrs. Tulrum- the corporation, that he intended repairing ble. to the town-hall, in grand state and gor"One which would rather astonish the geous procession, on the Monday afternoon ignorant people down there," said Mr. then next ensuing. At this the corpoTulrumble. ration looked still more solemn; but, as " It would kill them with envy," said the epistle wound up with a formal inMrs. Tulrumble. vitation to the whole body to dine with So it was agreed that his Majesty's the Mayor on that day, at Mudfog Hall, lieges in Mudfog should be astonished Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, the fun of the thing directly, and sent and that such a show should take place as back their compliments, and they'd be had never been seen in that town, or in sure to come. any other town before,-no, not even in Now there happened to be in Mudfog, London itself, as somehow or other there does happen On the very next day after the receipt to be, in almost every town in the British of the letter, down came the tall postilion dominions, and perhaps in foreign domin-,in a post-chaise, not upon one of the ions too-we think it very likely, but, horses, but inside-actually inside the being nogreat traveller, cannot distinctly chaise,-and, driving up to the very door say-there happened to be, in Mudfog, a of the town hall, where the corporation merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-forwere assembled, delivered a letter, written nothing sort of vagabond, with an invinby the Lord knows who, and signed by cible dislike to manual labour, and an Nicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas unconquerable attachment to strong beer said, all through four sides of closely- and spirits, whom everybody knew, and written, gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post nobody, except his wife, took the trouble letter-paper, that he responded to the call to quarrel with, who inherited from his of his fellow-townsmen with feelings of ancestors the appellation of Edward Twigheartfelt delight; that he accepted the ger, and rejoiced in the sobriquet of arduous office which their confidence had Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon imposed upon him: that they would never the average once a-day, and penitent upon find him shrinking from the discharge of an equally fair calculation once a month; aMs duty; that he would endeavour to ex- and when he was penitent, he was invt PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 259 riably in the very last stage of maudlin and into the cavern the secretary ushered intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, Ned Twigger. roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, " Well, Twigger!" said Nicholas Tula sharp wit, and a ready head, and could rumble, condescendingly. turn his hand to anything when he chose There was a time when Twigger would to do it. He was by no means opposed have replied, "Well, Nick!" but that was to hard labour on principle, for he would in the days of the truck, and a couple of work away at a cricket-match by the day years before the donkey; so, he only together, - running, and catching, and bowed. batting, and bowling, and revelling in "I want you to go into training, Twigtoil which would exhaust a galley-slave. ger," said Mr. Tulrumble. He would have been invaluable to a fire- " What for, sir " inquired Ned, with a office; never was a man with such natural stare. taste for pumping engines, running up " Hush, hush, Twigger!" said the ladders, and throwing furniture out of Mayor. "Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. two-pair-of-stairs' windows: nor was this Look here, Twigger." the only element in which he was at As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a home; he was a humane society in him- high closet, and disclosed a complete suit self, a portable drag, an animated life- of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. preserver, and had saved more people, in "I want you to wear this,,next Monday, his time, from drowning, than the Ply- Twigger," said the Mayor. mouth life-boat, or Captain Manby's ap- "Bless your heart and soul, sir!" reparatus. With all these qualifications, plied Ned, " you might as well ask me to notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle- wear a seventy-four pounder, or a castnosed Ned was a general favourite; and iron boiler." the authorities of Mudfog, remembering "Nonsense, Twigger! nonsense!" said his numerous services to the population, the Mayor. allowed him in return to get drunk in his " I couldn't stand under it, sir," said own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, Twigger; " it would make mashed potaor imprisonment. He had a general li- toes of me, if I attempted it." ccnse, and he showed his sense of the "Pooh, pooh, Twigger!" returned the compliment by making the most of it. Mayor. "I tell you I have seen it done We have been thus particular in de- with my own eyes, in London, and the scribing Bottle-nosed Ned, because it en- man wasn't half such a man as you are, ables us to introduce a fact politely, with- either." out hauling it into the reader's presence "I should have as soon thought of a with indecent haste by the head and shoul- man's wearing the case of an eight-day ders, and brings us very naturally to re- clock to save his linen," said Twigger, late, that on the very same evening on casting a look of apprehension at the brass which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family suit. returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's new "It's the easiest thing in the world," secretary, just imported from London, rejoined the Mayor. with a pale face and light whiskers, thrust " It's nothing," said Mr. Jennings. his head down to the very bottom of his " When you're used to it," added Ned. neckcloth-tie, in at the tapping room door "You do it by degrees," said the of the Lighterman's Arms, and inquiring Mayor. "You would begin with one whether one NedTwigger was luxuriating piece to-morrow, and two the next day, within, announced himself as the bearer and so on, till you had got it all on. Mr. of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger's imme- Just try the breast-plate, Twigger. Stay; diate attendance at the hall, on private take another glass of rum first. Help and particular business. It being by no me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. Stand firm, means Mr. Twigger's interest to affront Twigger! There!-it isn't half as heavy the Mayor, he rose from the fire-place as it looks, is itt" with a slight sigh, and followed the light- Twigger was a good strong, stout felwhiskered secretary through the dirt and low; so after a great deal of staggering, wet of Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog Hall, he managed to keep himself up, under without further ado. the breast-plate, and even contrived, with Mr Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in the aid of another glass of rum, to walk ^ small cavern with a skylight, which he about in it, and the gauntlets into the called his library, sketching out a plan of bargain. He mads a trial of the helmet, the procession on a large sheet of paper; but was not equally successful, inasmuch 260 SKETCHES BY BOZ. as he tipped over instantly,-an accident the town like a huge gauze curtain. All which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demon- was dim and dismal. The church-steeples strated to be occasioned by his not having had bidden a temporary adieu to the world a counteracting weight of brass on his below; and every object of lesser importlegs. ance-houses, barns, hedges, trees, and "Now, wear that with grace and pro- barges-had all taken the veil. priety on Monday next," said Tulrumble, The church-clock struck one. A crack"and I'11 make your fortune." ed trumpet from the front-garden of Mud"I'll try what I can do, sir," said fog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if Twigger. some asthmatic person had coughed into "It must be kept a profound secret," it accidentally; the gate flew open, and said Tulrumble. out came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar " Of course, sir," replied Twigger. coloured charger, intended to represent a " And you must be sober," said Tul- herald, but bearing a much stronger rerumble; " perfectly sober." semblance to a court-card on horseback. Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged This was one of the Circus people, who himself to be as sober as a judge, and always came down to Mudfog at that time Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, al- of the year, and who had been engaged though, had we been Nicholas, we should by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for the certainly have exacted some promise of occasion. There was the horse, whisking a more specific nature; inasmuch as, his tail about, balancing himself on his having attended the Mudfog assizes in hind-legs, and flourishing away with his the evening more than once, we can fore-feet, in a manner which would have solemnnly testify to having seen judges gone to the hearts and souls of any reawith very strong symptoms of dinner sonrble crowd. But a Mudfog crowd neunder their wigs. However, that's nei- ver was a reasonable one, and in all prother here nor there. bability never will be. Instead of scatterThe next day, and the day following, ing the very fog with their shouts, as they and the day after that, Ned Twigger was ought most indubitably to have done, and securely locked up in the small cavern were fully intended to do, by Nicholas with the skylight, hard at work at the Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized the armour. With every additional piece he herald, than they began to growl forth the could manage to stand upright in, he had most unqualified disapprobation at the bare an additional glass of rum; and at last, notion of his riding like any other man. after many partial suffocations, he con- If he had come out on his head indeed, or trived to get on tie whole suit, and to jumping through a hoop, or flying through stagger up and down the room in it, like a red-hot drum, or even standing on one an intoxicated effigy from Westminster leg with his other foot in his mouth, they Abbey. might have had something to say to him; Never was man so delighted as Nicho- but for a professional gentleman to sit las Tulrumble; never was woman so astride in the saddle, with his feet in the charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife. stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, Here was a sight for the common people the herald was a decided failure, and the of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! crowd hooted with great energy, as he Why, they would grow wild with wonder! pranced ingloriously away. The day-the Monday-arrived. On the procession came. We are afraid If the morning had been made to order, to say how many supernumeraries there it couldn't have been better adapted to the were, in striped shirts and black velvet purpose. They never showed a better caps, to imitate the London watermen, or fog in London on Lord Mayor's day, than how many base imitations of running-foot. enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that men, or how many banners, which, owing eventful occasion. It had risen slowly to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could and surely from the green and stagnant by no means be prevailed on to display water with the first light of morning, un- their inscriptions: still less do we feel distil it reached a little above the lamp-post posed to relate how the men who played tops; and there it had stopped, with a the wind instruments, looking up into the sluggish obstinacy, which bade defiance sky (we mean the fog) with musical fer. to the sun, who had got up very blood-shot vour, walked through pools of water and about the eyes, as if he had been at a hillocks of mud, till they covered the powdrinking-party over night, and was doing dered heads of the running-fbotmen aforehis day's work with the worst possible said with splashes, that looked curious, but grace. The thick damp mist hung over not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 261 performer put on the wrong stop, and play- rumble, and provided by the companion ed one tune while the band played ano- able footman, drank success to the Mayor ther; or how the horses, being used to the and his procession; and, as Ned laid by arena, and not to the streets, would stand his helmet to imbibe the something strong, still and dance, instead of going on and the companionable footman put it on his prancing;-all of which are matters which own head, to the immeasurable and unremight be dilated upon to great advantage, cordable delight of the cook and housebut which we have not the least intention maid. The companionable footman was of dilating upon, notwithstanding. very facetious to Ned, and Ned was very Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. to behold the corporation in glass coaches, They were all very cosy and comfortable; provided at the sole cost and charge-of and the something strong went briskly Nicholas Tulrumble, coming rolling along, round. like a funeral out of mourning, and to At last Ned Twigger was loudly called watch the attempts the corporation made for, by the procession people; and, having to look great and solemn, when Nicholas had his helmet fixed on, in a very compliTulrumble himself, in the four-wheel cated manner, by the companionable footchaise, with the tall postilion, rolled out man, and the kind housemaid, and the after them, with Mr. Jennings on one side friendly cook, he walked gravely forth, to look like the chaplain, and a supernu- and appeared before tle multitude. merary on the other, with an old life- The crowd roared-it was not with guardsman's sabre, to imitate the sword- wonder, it was not with surprise.; it was bearer; and to see the tears rolling down most decidedly and unquestionably with the faces of the mob as they screamed with laughter. merriment. This was beautiful! and so " What!" said Mr. Tulrumble, starting was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble up in the four-wheel chaise. "Laughingand son, as they bowed with grave dignity If they laugh at a man in real brass arout of their coach-window to all the dirty mour, they'd laugh when their own fathers faces that were laughing around them: were dying. Why doesn't he go into his but it is not even with this that we have place, Mr. Jennings What's he rolling to do, but with the sudden stopping of the down towards us for?-he has no business procession at another blast of the trumpet, here!" whereat, and whereupon, a profound si- "I am afraid, sir —-" faltered Mr. Jenlence ensued, and all eyes were turned nings. towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident an- " Afraid of what, sir V" said Nicholas ticipation of some new wonder. Tulrumble, looking up in the secretary's " They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings," face. said Nicholas Tulrumble. "I am afraid he's drunk, sir;" replied "I think not, sir," said Mr. Jennings. Mr. Jennings. "See how eager they look," said Ni- Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at cholas Tulrumble. " Aha! the laugh will the extraordinary figure that was bearing oe on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?" down upon them; and then, clasping his "No doubt of that, sir," replied Mr. Jen- secretary by the arm, uttered an audible nings; and Nicholas Tulrumble, in a state groan in anguish of spirit. of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigfour-wheel chaise, and telegraphed grati- ger having full license to demand a single fication to the Mayoress behind. glass of rum on the putting on of every While all this was going fbrward, Ned piece of the armour, got by some means or Twigger had descended into the kitchen other, rather out in his calculation in the ofMudfogHall, forthe purpose ofindulging hurry and confusion of preparation, and the servants with a private view of the curi- drank about four glasses to a piece instead osity that was to burst upon the town; and, of one, not to mention the something strong somehow or other, the footman was so which went on the top of it. Whether companionable, and the housemaid so kind, the brass armour checked the natural flow and the cook so friendly, that he could of perspiration, and thus prevented the not resist the offer of the first-mentioned spirit from evaporating, we are not sciento sit down and take something-just to tifie enough to know; but, whatever the drink success to master in. cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, his brass livery on the top of the kitchen- than he also found himself in a very con able; and in a mug of something strong, siderable state of intoxication, and hence paid for by the unconscious Nicholas Tul- his extraordinary style of progressing 262 SKETCHES BY BOZ. This was bad enough, but, as if fate and las, turning pale at the possibility of Ned's fortune had conspired against Nicholas being smothered in his antique costumeTulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been " Dear me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be penitent for a good calendar month, took done with him?" it into his head to be most especially and " Nothing at all," replied Ned, " nothing particularly sentimental, just when his at all. Gentlemen, I'm an unhappy repentance could have been most conve- wretch. I'm a body, gentlemen, in a niently dispensed with. Immense tears brass coffin." At this poetical idea of his were rolling down his cheeks, and'he was own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief the people began to get sympathetic, and by applying to his eyes a blue cotton pock- to ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by et-handkerchief with white spots,-an ar- putting a man into such a machine.as that tide not strictly in keeping with a suit of and one individual in a hairy waistcoat armour some three hundred years old, or like the top of a trunk, who had previously thereabouts. expressed his opinion that if Ned hadn't "Twigger, you villain!" said Nicholas been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn't have Tulrumble, quite forgetting his dignity, dared to do it, hinted at the propriety of "go back!" breaking the four-wheel chaise, or Nicho" Never," said Ned. " I'm a miserable las's head, or both, which last compound vretch. I11 never leave you." proposition the crowd seemed to consider The by-standers of course received this a very good notion. declaration with acclamations of " That's It was not acted upon, however, for it right, Ned; don't!" had hardly been broached, when Ned "I don't intend it," said Ned, with all Twigger's wife made her appearance abthe obstinacy of a very tipsy man. " Im ruptly in the little circle before noticed, very unhappy. I'm the wretched father and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of of an unfortunate family; but I am very her face and form, than from the mere faithful, sir. I'11 never leave you." Hav- force of habit he set off towards his home ing reiterated this obliging promise, Ned just as fast as his legs would carry him; proceeded in broken words to harangue and that was not very quick in- the presthe crowd upon the number of years'he ent instance either, for, however ready had lived in Mudfog, the excessive respect- they might have been to carry him, they ability of his character, and other topics couldn't get on very well under the brass of the like nature. armour. So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of "Here! will any body lead him away?" time to denounce Nicholas Tulrumble to said Nicholas: "if they'll call on me af- his face: to express her opinion that he terwards, I'11 reward them well." was a decided monster; and to intimate Two or three men stepped forward, with that, if her ill-used husband sustained any the view of bearing Ned off, when the se- personal damage from the brass armour, cretary interposed. she would have the law of Nicholas Tul"Take care! take care!" said'Mr. rumble for manslaughter. When she had Jennings. " I beg your pardon, sir; but said all this with due vehemence, she postthey'd better not go too near him, because, ed after Ned, who was dragging himself if he falls over, he'11 certainly crush some- along as best he -could, and deploring his body." unhappiness in most dismal tones. At this hint the crowd retired on all What a wailing and screaming Ned's sides to a very respectful distance, and children raised when he got home at last! left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, a little circle of his own. first in one place, and then in another, but "But, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas she couldn't manage it; so she tumbled Tulrumble, " he'11 be suffocated." Ned into bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, " I'm very sorry for it, sir," replied Mr. and all. Such a'creaking as the bedstead Jennings; "but nobody can get that ar- made, under Ned's weight in his new suit! mour off, without his own assistance. I'm It didn't break down though; and there quite certain of it, from the way he put Ned lay, like the anonymousvessel in the it on." Bay of Biscay, till next day, drinking barHere Ned wept dolefully, and shook his ley-water, and looking miserable: and helmeted head, in a manner that might every time he groaned, his good lady said have touched a heart of stone-; but the it served him right, which was all the con. crowd had not hearts of stone, and they solation Ned Twigger got. )aughed heartily. Nicholas Tulrumble ana tie gorgeous'I Dear me, Mr. Jennings," said Nicho- procession went on together to the town PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE. 263 aall, amid the hisses and groans of all the this fiddle and tambourine must have done spectators, who had suddenly taken it into more to demoralize Mudfog,, than any their heads to consider poor Ned a mar- other operating causes that ingenuity tyr. Nicholas was formally installed in could imagine. So he read up for the nis new office, in acknowledgment of which subject, and determined to come out on ceremony he delivered himselfofa speech, the'corporation with a burst, the very composed'by the secretary, which was next time the license was applied for. very long, and no doubt very good, only The licensing day came, and the redthe noise of the people outside prevented faced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen walkanybody from hearing it, but Nicholas ed into the town-hall, looking as jolly as Tulrumble himself. After which, the pro- need be, having actually put on an extra cession got back to Mudfog Hall any how fiddle for that night, to commemorate the it could; and Nicholas and the corpora- anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen's music tion sat down to dinner. license. It was applied for in due form, But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas and was just about to be granted as a matwas disappointed. They were such dull ter of course, when up rose Nicholas Tulsleepy old fellows, that corporation. Ni- rumble, and drowned the astonished corcholas made quite as long speeches as the poration in a torrent of eloquence. He Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he descanted in glowing terms upon the insaid the very same things that the Lord creasing depravity of his native town of Mayor of London had said, and the deuce Mudfog, and the excesses committed by a cheer the corporation gave him. There its population. Then he related how was only one man in the party who was shocked he had been to see barrels of beer thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly and called him Nick. Nick! What would Bcatmen week after week; and how he be the consequence, thought Nicholas, of had sat at a window opposite the Jolly anybody presuming to call the Lord May- Boatmen for two days together, to count or of London " Nick!" He should like to the people who went in for beer between know what the sword-bearer would say to the hours of twelve and one o'clock alone that; or the recorder, or the toast-master, -which, by-the-bye, was the. time at or any other of the great officers of the which the great majority of the Mudfog city. They'd nick him. people dined. Then he went on to state But these were not the worst of Nicho- how the number of people who came out las Tulrumble's doings; if they had been, with beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in he might have remained a Mayor to this five minutes, which, being multiplied by day, and have talked till he lost his voice. twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two He contracted a relish for statistics, and people with beer-jugs in an hour, and mulgot philosophical; and the statistics and tiplied again by fifteen (the number of the philosophy together, led him into an hours during which the house was open act which increased his unpopularity and daily) yielded three thousand seven hunhastened his downfall. dred and eighty people with beer-jugs per At the very end of the Mudfog High- day, or twenty-six thousand four hundred street, and abutting on the river-side, and sixty people with beer-jugs, per week. stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashion- Then he proceeded to show that a tam ed, low-roofed, bay-windowed house, with bourine and moral degradation were synoa bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, nymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious and a large fire-place with a kettle to cor- propensities wholly inseparable. All these respond, round which the working-men arguments he strengthened and demonnave congregated time out of mind on a strated by frequent references to a large winter's night, refreshed by draughts of book with a blue cover,, and sundry quotagood strong beer, and cheered by the tions from the Middlesex magistrates; and sounds of a fiddle and tambourine: the in the end, the corporation, who were Jolly Boatmen have been duly licensed by posed with the figures, and sleepy with the Mayor and corporation, to scrape the the speech, and sadly in want of dinner fiddle and thumb the tambourine from into the bargain, yielded the palm to time, whereof the memory of the oldest Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the muinhabitants goeth not to the contrary. sic license to the Jolly Boatmen. Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been read- But although Nicholas triumphed, his ing pamphlets on crime, and parliament- triumph was short. He carried on the ary reports,-or had made the secretary war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forget read them to him, which is the same thing ting the time when he was glad to drink in effect,-and he at once perceived that out of the one, and to dance to the other, 264 SKETCHES BY ]BOZ. till the people hated, and his old friends never tried it any more. He went to shunned him. He grew tired of the lonely sleep in the town-hall at the very next magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his meeting; and, in full proof of his sinceriheart yearned towards the Lighterman's ty, has requested us to write this faithful Arms. He wished he had never set up as narrative. We wish it could have the a public man, and sighed for the good old effect of reminding the Tulrumbles of times of the coal-shop, and the chimney- another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is corner. not dignity, and that snarling at the little At length old Nicholas, being thorough- pleasures they were once glad to enjoy, ly miserable, took heart of grace, paid the because they would rather forget the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, times when they were of lower station, and packed him off to London by the next renders them objects of contempt and ricoach. Having taken this step, he put dicule. his hat on his head, and his pride in his This is the first time we have published pocket, and walked down to the old room any of our gleanings from this particular at the Lighterman's Arms. There were source. Perhaps, at some future period, only two of the old fellows there, and we may venture to open the chronicles they looked coldly on Nicholas as he prof- of Mudfog. fered his hand. " Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble'" said one. "Or trace the progress of crime to CHAPTER X'baccer 1" growled the other. " Neither," replied Nicholas Tulrum- THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. ble, shaking hands with them both, whether they would or not. "I've come BEFORE we plunge headlong into this down to say that I'm very sorry for hav- paper, let us at once confess to a fondness ing made a fool of myself, and that I hope for pantomimes — to a gentle sympathy you'll give me up the old chair again." with clowns and pantaloons-to an unquaThe old fellows opened their eyes, and lified admiration of harlequins and columthree or four more old fellows opened the bines-to a chaste delight in every action door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his of their brief existence, varied and many eyes, thrust out his hand to, and told the coloured as those actions are, and incon, same story. They raised a shout of joy, sistent though they occasionally be with that made the bells in the ancient church- those rigid and formal rules of propriety tower vibrate again, and wheeling the old which regulate the proceedings of meaner chair into the warm corner, thrust old and less comprehensive minds. We revel Nicholas down into it, and ordered. in the in pantomimes-not because they dazzle very largest-sizedA bowl of hot punch, one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not with an unlimited number of pipes, di- because they present to us, once again, rectly. the well-beloved chalked faces, and gogThe next day, the Jolly Boatmen got gle eyes of our childhood; not even bethe license, and the next night, old Nich- cause, like Christmas-day, and Twelftholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a night, and Shrove Tuesday, and one's own dance to the music of the fiddle and tam- birth-day, they come to us but once abourine, the tone of which seemed might- year; —our attachment is founded on a ily improved by a little rest, for they never graver and a very different reason. A had played so merrily before. Ned Twig- pantomime is, to us, a mirror of life; nay ger was in the very height of his glory, more, we maintain that it is to audiences and he danced hornpipes, and balanced generally, although they are not aware of chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, it; and that this very circumstance is the till the whole company, including the cor- secret cause of their amusement and deporation, were in raptures of admiration light. at the brilliancy of his acquirements. Let us take a slight example. The Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make scene is a street: an elderly gentleman, up his mind to be anything but magnifi- with a large face, and strongly marked cent, so he went up to London and drew features, appears. His countenance beams bills on his father; and when he had over- with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimdrawn, and got into debt, he grew peni- ple is on his broad red cheek. He is evitent and came home again. dently an opulent elderly gentleman, As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, comfortable in circumstances, and well to and having had six weeks of public life, do in the world. He is not unmindful of THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. 265 the adornment of his person, for he is downright improper, being usually neither richly, not to say gaudily dressed; and more nor less than a perceptible tickling that he indulges to a reasonable extent in of the aforesaid ladies in the waist, after the pleasures of the table, may be inferred committing which, he starts back, manifrom the joyous and oily manner in which festly ashamed (as well he may be) of his he rubs his stomach, by way of informing own indecorum and temerity; continuing, the audience that he is going home to nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them dinner. In the fulness of his heart, in the from a distance in a very unpleasant and fancied security of wealth, in the posses- immoral manner. sion and enjoyment of all the good things Is there any man who cannot count a of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly dozen pantaloons in his own social circle loses his footing, and stumbles. How the Is there any man who has not seen them audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy swarming at the west end of the town on and officious crowd, who buffet and cuff a sunshiny day or a summer's evening, him unmercifully. They scream with going through the last-named pantomimic delight! Every time the elderly gentle- feats with as much liquorish energy, and man struggles to get up, his relentless as total an absence of reserve, as if they persecutors knock him down again. The were on the very stage itself We can spectators are convulsed with merriment! tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons And when at last the elderly gentleman of our acquaintance at this moment-capdoes get up, and staggers away, despoiled ital pantaloons, who have been performing of hat, wig, and clothing, himself battered all kinds of strange freaks, to the great to pieces, and his watch and money gone, amusement of their friends and acquaint they are exhausted with laughter, and ance, for years past; and who to this day express their merriment and admiration are making such comical and ineffectual in rounds of applause. attempts to be young and dissolute, that Is this like life? Change the scene to all beholders are like to die with laughter. any real street;-to the Stock Exchange, Take that old gentleman who has just or the City banker's; the merchant's emerged from the Cafe de 1' Europe in counting-house, or even the tradesman's the Haymarket, where he has been dining shop. See any one of these men fall,- at the expense of the young man upon the more suddenly, and the nearer the town with whom he shakes hands as they zenith of his pride and riches, the better. part at the door of the tavern. The afWhat a wild halloo is raised over his fected warmth of that shake of the hand, prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; the courteous nod, the obvious recollection how they whoop and yell as he lies hum- of the dinner, the savoury flavour of which bled beneath them! Mark how eagerly still hangs upon his lips, are all characthey set upon him when he is down; and teristics of his great prototype. He hobhow they mock and deride him as he bles away humming an opera tune, and slinks away. Why, it is the pantomime twirling his cane to and fro, with affected to the very letter. carelessness. Suddenly he stops-'tis at Of all the pantomimic dramatis persona,, the milliner's window. He peeps through we consider the pantaloon the most worth- one of the large panes of glass; and, his less and debauched. Independent of the view of the ladies within being obstructed dislike one naturally feels at seeing a by the India shawls, directs his attentions gentleman of his years engaged in pur- to the young girl with the bandbox in her suits highly unbecoming his gravity and hand, who is gazing in at the window also. time of life, we cannot conceal from our- See! he draws beside her. He coughs; selves the fact that he is a treacherous she turns away from him. He draws worldly-minded old villain, constantly en- near her again; she disregards him. He ticing his younger companion, the clown, gleefully chucks her under the chin, and into acts of fraud or petty larceny, and retreating a few steps, nods and beckons generally standing aside to watch the re- with fantastic grimaces, while the girl sult of the enterprise: if it be successful, bestows a contemptuous and supercilious he never forgets to return for his share of look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns the spoil; buu if it turn out a failure, he away with a flounce, and the old gentlegenerally retires with remarkable caution man trots after her with a toothless chucand expedition, and keeps carefully aloof kle. The pantaloon to the life! until the affair has blown over. His amo- But the close resemblance which the rous propensities, too, are eminently disa- clowns of the stage bear to those of everygreeable; and his mode of addressing la- day life, is perfectly extraordinary. Some dies in the open street at noon-day is people talk with a sigh of the decline of 23 21 266 SKETCHES BY O30Z. pantomime, and murmur in low and dis- position by detailing the plot of this por. mal tones the name of Grimaldi. We tion of the pantomime-not of the theatre, mean no disparagement to the worthy and but of life. excellent old man when we say, that this The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker isdownright nonsense. Clowns that beat Fiercy, attended by his livery-servant Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every day, Do'em, -a most respectable servant to and nobody patronises them-more's the look at, who has grown grey in the serpity!' vice of the captain's family,-views, treats " I know who you mean," says some for, and ultimately obtains possession of, dirty-faced patron of Mr. Osbaldistone's, the unfurnished house, such a number, laying down the Miscellany when he has such a street. All the tradesmen in the got thus far: and bestowing upon vacancy neighbourhood are in agonies of competia most knowing glance: "you mean C. J. tion for the captain's custom; the captain Smith as did Guy Fawkes, and George is a good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, Barnwell, at the Garden." The dirty- and to avoid being the cause of disappointfaced gentleman has hardly uttered the ment to any, he most handsomely gives words when he is interrupted by a young orders to all. Hampers of wine, baskets gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Peter- of provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes sham coat. "No, no," says the young of jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the gentleman; "he means Brown, King, and costliest description, flock to the house Gibson, at the'Delphi." Now, with great of the Honourable Captain Fitz-whisker deference both to the first-named gentle- Fiercy, where they are received with the man with the dirty face, and the last-named utmost readiness by the highly respectgentleman in the non-existing shirt-collar, able Do'em; while the captain himself we do not mean, either the performer who struts and swaggers about with that comso-grotesquely burlesqued the Popish con- pound air of conscious superiority, andspirator, or the three unchangeables who generous blood-thirstiness, which a milihave been dancing the same dance under tary captain should always, and does most, different imposing titles, and doing the times wear, to the admiration and terror same thing under various high-sounding of plebeian men. But the tradesmen's names, for some five or six years last past. backs are no sooner turned, than the capWe have no sooner made this avowal than tain, with all the eccentricity of a mighty the public, who have hitherto been silent mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on whose devoted fidelity is not the least earth it is we do mean; and, with becom- touching part of his character, disposes ing respect, we proceed to tell them. of every thing to great advantage; for, It is very well known to all play-goers although the articles fetch small sums, and pantomime-seers, that the scenes in still they are sold considerably above cost which a theatrical clown is at the very price, the cost to the captain being nothing height of his glory are those which are at all. After various manceuvres, the described in the playbills as "Cheesemon- imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and ger's shop, and Crockery warehouse," or Do'em are recognised as confederates, and "-Tailor's shop and Mrs. Queertable's the police-office, to which they are both boarding-house," or places bearing some taken, is thronged with their dupes. such title, where the great fun of the thing Who can fail to recognise in this, the consists in the hero's taking lodgings exact counterpart of the best portion which he has not the slightest intention of a theatrical pantomime-Fitz-whisker of paying for, or obtaining goods under Fiercy by the clown; Do'em by the false pretences, or abstracting the stock- pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the in-trade of the respectable shopkeeper tradesmen? The best of the joke too, is, next door, or robbing warehouse-porters that the very coal-merchant who is loudas they pass under his window, or, to est in his complaints against the person shorten the catalogue, in his swindling who defrauded him, is the identical man everybody he possibly can; it only re- who sat in the centre of the very front maining to be observed, that the more row of the pit last night and laughed the extensive the swindling is, and the more most boisterously at this very same thing, barefaced the impudence of the swindler, -and not so well done either. Talk of the greater the rapture and ecstasy of the Grimaldi, we say again! Did Grimaldi, audience. Now, it is a most remarkable in his best days, ever do any thing in this fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs way equal to Da Costa? in real life day after day, and nobody sees The mention of this latter justly-celethe humour of it. Let us illustrate our brated clown reminds us of his last piece THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. 267 of humour, the fraudulently obtaining cer- of family and independent property, gentain stamped acceptances from a young erally speaking, of any such misdemeangentleman in the army. We had scarcely ours. On a more' mature consideration laid down our pen to contemplate for a of the subject, we have arrived at the few moments this admirable actor's per- conclusion, that the harlequins of life are formance of that exquisite practical joke, just ordinary men, to be found in no parthan a new branch of our subject flashed ticular walk or degree, on whom a certain suddenly upon us. So we take it up again station, or particular conjunction of cirat once. curnstances, confers the magic wand; and All people who have been behind the this brings us to a few words on the panscenes, and most people who have been tomime of public and political life, which before them, know, that in the representa- we shall say at once, and then conclude; tion of a pantomime, a good many men merely premising in this place, that we are sent upon the stage for the express decline any reference whatever to the purpose of being cheated, or knocked columbine, being in no wise satisfied of down, or both. Now, down to a moment the nature of her connexion with her ago, we had never been able to understand parti-coloured lover, and not feeling -by for what possible purpose a great number any means clear that we should be justiof odd, lazy, large-headed men, whom fled in introducing her to the virtuous and one is in the habit of meeting here, and respectable ladies who peruse our lucuthere, and every where, could ever have brations. been created. We see it all, now. They We take it that the commencement of are the supernumeraries in the pantomime a session of parliament is neither more or of life; the men who have been thrust less than the drawing up of the curtain into it, with no other view than to be con- for a grand comic pantomime; and that stantly tumbling over each other, and his Majesty's most gracious speech, on the running their heads against all sorts of opening thereof, may be not inaptly comstrange things. We sat opposite to one pared to the clown's opening speech of of these men at a supper-table, only last "Here we are!" " My lords and gentleweek. Now we think of it, he was ex- men, here we are!" appears, to our mind actly like the gentlemen with the paste- at least, to be a very good abstract of the board heads and faces, who do the corres- point and meaning of the propitiatory adponding business in the theatrical panto- dress of the ministry. When we rememmime; there was the same broad stolid her how frequently this speech is made, simper-the same dull leaden eye-the immediately after the change too, the same unmeaning, vacant stare; and what- parallel is quite perfect, and still more ever was said, or whatever was done, he singular. always came in at precisely the wrong Perhaps the cast of our political panplace, or jostled against something that tomime never was richer than at this day. he had not the slightest business with. We are particularly strong in clowns. We looked at the man across the table, At no former time, we should say, have again and again; and could not satisfy we had such astonishing tumblers, or perourselves what race of beings to class formers so ready to go through the whole him with. How very odd that this never of their feats for the amusement of an occurred to us before! admiring throng. The extreme readiness We will frankly own that we have been to exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some much troubled with the harlequin. We ill-natured reflections; it having been obsee harlequins of so many kinds in the jected that by exhibiting gratuitously real living pantomime, that we hardly through the country when the theatre is know which to select as the proper fellow closed, they reduce themselves to the of him of the theatres. At one time we level of mountebanks, and thereby tend were disposed to think that the harlequin to degrade the respectability of the prowas neither more nor less than a young fession. Certainly Grimaldi never did man of family and independent property, this sort of thing; and though Brown, who had run away with an opera-dancer, King, and Gibson have gone to the Surand was fooling his' life and his means rey in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith away in light and trivial amusements. has ruralized at Saddler's Wells, we find On reflection, however, we remembered no theatrical precedent for a general that harlequins are occasionally guilty of tumbling through the country, except in witty, and even clever acts, and we are the gentleman, name unknown, who threw rather disposed to acquit our young men summersets on behalf of the late Mr 268 SKETCHES BY BOZ. Richal dson, and who is no authority either, holds, for the time being, the magic wand because he had never been on the regular which we have just mentioned. The boards. mere waving it before a man's eyes will But, laying aside this question, which dispossess his brain of all the notions -after all is a mere matter of taste, we previously stored there, and fill it with an may reflect with pride and gratification entirely new set of ideas; one gentle of heart on the proficiency of our clowns tap on the back will alter the colour of a as exhibited in the season. Night after man's coat completely; and there are night will they twist and tumble about, some expert performers, who having this till two, three, and four o'clock in the wand held first on the one side, and then morning; playing the strangest antics, on the other, will change from side to and giving each other the funniest slaps side, turning their coats at every evoluon the face that can possibly be imagined, tion, with so much rapidity and dexterity, without evincing the smallest tokens of that the quickest eye can scarcely detect fatigue. The strange noises, the con- their motions. Occasionally, the genius fusion, the shouting and roaring, amid who confers the wand, wrests it from the which this is done, too, would put to hand of the temporary possessor, and conshame the most turbulent six-penny gal- signs it to some new performer; on which lery that ever yelled through a boxing- occasions all the characters change sides, night. and then the race and the hard knocks It is especially curious to behold one begin anew. of these clowns compelled to go through We might have extended this chapter the most surprising contortions by the to a much greater length-we might have irresistible influence of the wand of office, carried the comparison into the liberal prowhich his leader or harlequin holds above fessions-we might have shown, as was his head. Acted upon by the wonderful in fact our original purpose, that each is charm, he will become perfectly motion- in itself a little pantomime with scenes less, moving neither hand, foot, or finger, and characters of its own, complete; but, and will even lose the faculty of speech as we fear we have been quite lengthy at an instant's notice; or, on the other enough already, we shall leave the chaphand, he will become all life and anima- ter just where it is. A gentleman, not tion if required, pouring forth a torrent altogether unknown as a dramatic poet, of words without sense or meaning, throw- wrote thus a year or two agoing himself into the wildest and most fantastic contortions, and even grovelling All the World's a stage, on the earth and licking up the dust. And all the men and women merely players:" These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed they are rather disgust- and we, tracking out his footsteps at the ing than otherwise, except to the ad- scarcely-worth-mentioning little distance mirers of such things, with whom we of a few millions of leagues behind, venconfess to have no fellow-feeling. ture to add, by way of new reading, that Strange tricks-very strange tricks- he meant a Pantomime, and that we are are also performed by the harlequin who all actors in The Pantomime of Life END OF SKETCHES