The Book
of
Humoour, lVi anid Wisdom




THE BOOK OF FAMILIAR QUOTATIONS.
CHOICE POEMS AND LYRICS.
SHAKSPERE GEMS.
SACRED POEMS.
WISE SAYINGS OF THE GREAT AND GOOD.
THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, WIT, AND WISDOM,
Beautifully Printed on Toned Paper, price 3s. 6d. each.




THE BOOK
Z. ~
OF
HUMOUR,. WIT, & WISDOM
A MANUAL OF TABLE-TALK
BOSTON
LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS
NEW YORK
LEE, SHEPARD, AND DILLINGHAM
1874








PREFACE.
-000
ALTHOUGH  there is no lack  of jest-books in
this prolific age of publishing, yet there are few
publications of an anecdotal character, which
combine this feature with extracts of a moral
and philosophical nature.  The object of this
volume is to combine these elements, and thus
to supply what would seem  to some extent to
be a hiatus.  The combination thus attempted
will perhaps render this publication  not only
amusing, but to some extent instructive.  All
jokes of an indelicate and irreverent character
(which, unfortunately, are rife in most anecdotebooks) are carefully excluded, and it is hoped
that the result is a book adapted for youthful
and general perusal. Mingled with the trite jokes,
which are so familiar to most readers, will be
found  numerous extracts possessing  prominent




vi                  Preface.
historical interest.  In embodying the different
characteristics thus indicated, the object has been
to illustrate the maximDELECTANDO PARITERQUE MONENDO.
It is cuiious to find, in the researches necessary
for the preparation of a work of this description
for the press, how many of the very oldest jokes
are re-faced, and made to do duty as novelties in
the current literature and table-talk of the day.
Many of those here recorded are admittedly traceable to the immortal " Joe Miller," and many lay
claim to even greater antiquity; and yet, ancient
as they are, how often do we find them  to " set
the table in a roar!"  In the arrangement of
these pages, the compiler has availed himself of
passages from many new works of interest, being
enabled to do so by the courtesy of the several
publishers, to whom his earnest thanks are due.
To  Messrs. Smith, Elder and Co., for permission to quote from  Captain Gronow's amusing
volume of " Reminiscences,"  acknowledgments
are respectfully tendered; and for the like indulgence, to use extracts from  their publications,
the compiler wishes to recognise the kindness of




Preface.                 vii
Messrs. Blackwood and Sons; Mr. Bentley;
Messrs. Chapman and Hall; Messrs. W. and
R. Chambers; Messrs. Bell and Daldy; Messrs.
Hurst and Blackett, and other eminent publishers.
A considerable number of anecdotes illustrative of
Scottish character are included; this is mainly
due to the politeness of Mr. David Robertson,
and Messrs. Edmonston and Douglas, the publishers of Dean  Ramsay's " Reminiscences of
Scottish Life and Character." Mr. Robertson, in
the most courteous and liberal manner, placed
entirely at the compiler's disposal his amusing
volume  " The Laird  of Logan,"  the quaint
stories in which  book are probably new  to
many English readers.








The Book
OF
Humour, Wiit and 1Wisdom.
THE BATTLE OF THE NILE.
Two naval officers were disputing as to the importance of Lord Nelson's victories.  They were unable
to agree in opinion, when one of them appealing to the
other said, "At all events there can be no doubt which
of his Lordship's victories yielded the least important
results."  "Which do you mean?" said the other.
" Why of course from  its name," was the rejoinder,
" the victory of the Nihil."
A GAMBLER'S EPITAPH. /
The celebrated  wit and punster H, whilst
strolling with a fiiend through a suburban churchyard,
called attention to a grave, the stone on which had no
name nor inscription on it.  "This," said H
B




2-              Book of Humoior,
"is the grave of the notorious gambler and cardsharper
Mr. R; you observe that there is no name
recorded on the tombstone, but I think I could suggest
an appropriate epitaph."  "What would you suggest? "
inquired his friend.   "Waiting for the last trump,"
was the reply.
THE LATTER DAYS OF BONAPARTE.
At the close of the year 1820, Napoleon's health
began to fail so as to excite the greatest apprehensions.
On receiving intelligence of the decease of his sister
Eliza, he was much affected.  He rose from  his seat,
and leaning on the arm of his physician, Dr. Antommarchi, said, " Well, doctor! you see Eliza has just
shown me the way.  Death, which seems to have
forgot my family, has begun to strike it: my time
cannot be far off.   What think  you?"   "Your
majesty is in no danger: you are still reserved for some
glorious enterprise."   "Ah! doctor, you are young,
full of health; but for me, I have neither strength, nor
activity, nor energy;'I am  no longer Napoleon!'
You strive in vain to give me hopes, to recal life ready
to expire.  Your care can do nothing in spite of fate:
it is immovable; there is no appeal from its decisions.
The next person in our family, who will follow Eliza
to the tomb, is that great Napoleon, who hardly exists,
who bends under the yoke, and who still, nevertheless,
keeps Europe in alarm.  Behold, my good fiiend, how




Wit and Wisdom.                     3
I look on my situation!  Young as you are, you have
a long career to run.  As for me, all is over!  I
repeat it to you, my days will soon  close on  this
miserable rock."   He returned to his chamber, and lay
down in bed.  " Close my windows," said he," leave
me to myself; I will send for you by and by." He did
so; but he was dejected and oppressed; he spoke of
his son, of Marie Louise.  The conversation was painful;
I sought to divert it, and to recal subjects less trying
to his feelings.  " I understand you," he said; "well,
be it so; if indeed the heart of a father ever could
forget  "
AN UNREHEARSED STAGE EFFECT.
A  good story is told of a certain actor whose fate
it was to represent the inferior personages in the drama,
such as messengers, serving-men, etc.  One night, a
certain great tragedian being engaged, the poor actor,
enacting the character of a servant, had to repeat these
words," My Lord, the coach is waiting."
This was all he had to say, but turning to the gallery
part of the audience, he added, with stentorian voice,
"And permit me further to observe, that the man who
raises his hand against a woman, save in the way of kindness, is unworthy the name of a Briton."   Shouts of
applause followed.  After the play, on being remonstrated with by the great tragedian for this innovation,




4               Book of Humzozr,
he replied, " I regret to have annoyed you, but it's my
benefit next week, and I must make myself popular
with the audience."
" WHAT'S IN A NAME."
I remember, says an old writer, a school-fellow of mine
who was a striking instance of the inconvenience of a remarkable Christian name.  He was a very honest simple
lad, unluckily called Solomon.  His name and mental
abilities formed too strong a contrast to escape the least
boy in the school; therofore, not to speak of the jokes
with which it furnished his companions, it was too
obvious to escape the master, who unfortunately was a
punster, and who in correcting him for a fault could not
refrain from  imbittering  the chastisement with some
allusion to his name, or comparison of his wisdom or
his judgment with those of his royal namesake.  If he
appeared in a new coat, the whole school was convened
by some wag or other, to see King Solomon in all his
glory.
THE BLESSING OF FORGIVENESS.
The brave only know how to forgive; it is the most
refined and generous pitch  of virtue  human  nature
can arrive at.  Cowards have done good and kind
actions, cowards have even fought, nay, sometimes even
conquered; but a coward never forgave; it is not in




Wit and Wisdom.                     5
his nature; the power of doing it flows only fiom  a
strength and greatness of soul, conscious of its own force
and security, and above the little temptations of reserting every fruitless attempt to interrupt its happiness.
PARENTHESIS iN PRAYER.
A  pastor of a small congregation of dissenters in the
west of Scotland, who, in prayer, often employed terms
of familiarity towards the great Being whom he invoked,
was addressing his petition in the season of an apparently
doubtful harvest, that he would grant such weather as
was necessary for ripening and gathering in the fruits of
the ground; when, pausing suddenly, he added, " But
what need I talk? when I was up at the Shotts the
other day, every thing was as green as leeks."
A PIERCING EYE.
Miss Pope, one evening in the green-room  of the
theatre, expatiating  in all the warmth of her early
enthusiasm on the genius of Garrick, and on his fine
features, exclaimed, —" What an eye he had I it looked
as if it could pierce through a deal board."   " Then,"
said Wewitzer, it must have been a gimlet eye  "
AN AMERICANISM.
An American paper says, "A  neighbour of ours in



6               Book of Humour,
forms us that wood goes further when left out of doors,
than when housed:-some of his having gone upwards
of a quarter of a mile in one night  "
THE TRAVELLER OUTDONE.
Captain Basil Hall, whose written stories have charmed
all who have read them, was one day endeavouring
to enliven a remarkably stiff and dull dinner party
in Glasgow, by a few oral relations of the same kind.
He concluded one of a very extraordinary character,
by saying, " Did you ever hear any story so wonderful
as that? " and at the same moment his eye chanced to
rest on a foot-boy opposite to him, who, without leaving
a moment of interval, exclaimed, "Yes, man, there's a
lass i' our kitchen, that kens a lass that has twa thumbs
on one hand  "
THE VANITY OF GRAND FUNERALS.
The people of England are all extremely fond of expensive funerals, but this is most conspicuous in persons of the lower orders, and of them  the women.
Many a wife, who hated her husband most cordially,
and never suffered him to enjoy one quiet day during
his married life, expends what ought to maintain her
family for six months, that the "dear departed" may
have a handsome funeral, and velvet pall, with brass
handle and hinges to the coffin; and will want shoes




Wit and Wisdom.                    7
and stockings for a year to come, that the clergyman,
doctor, and friends, may be supplied with a hat-band,
scarf, and gloves.
AN AWKWARD OBJECTION.
A public-house wife entered her protest, on the occasion
of an ordination of elders, against one of the number,
who, she said, " was due her a mutchkin o' whisky,
and denied it I"
AN ECHO IN COURT.
A  certain chief justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the
jury, by saying, " One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you
please."  The speech being finished, the judge began
his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth
the full force of its lungs, whereupon the advocate
said, "Does not your lordship hear a remarkable echo
in the court?"
A REASON FOR NOT ATTENDING CHURCH.
A  zealous, and in his way a very eminent preacher,
whose eloquence is as copious, and far more lucid than
the waters of his beloved Cam, happened to miss
a constant auditor from  his congregation.  Schism had
already made some depredations on the fold, which was




8               Book of Humour,
not so large but to a practised eye the deduction of even
one was perceptible.   " What keeps our friend farmer
B      away from us?" was the anxious question proposed by our vigilant minister to his clerk.     I have
not seen him amongst us," continued he, " these three
weeks; I hope it is not Socinianism  that keeps him
away."   " No, your honour," replied the clerk, "it is
something  worse than that."   " Worse than Socinianism?  God forbid it should be Deism!"   "No,
your honour, it is something worse than that."  " I
trust it is not Atheism?"  " No, your honour, it is
something worse than that."  " Worse than Atheism!
impossible-nothing  can be worse than-Atheism!'
" Yes, it is, your honour-it is Rheumatism!"
SERVANTS IN THE OLDEN TiME.
Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his
" Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character: "
The charge these old domestics used to take of the
interests of the family, and the cool way in which they
took upon them  to protect those interests, sometimes
led to very provoking and sometimes to very ludicrous
exhibitions of importance.   A  friend told me of a
dinner scene illustrative of this sort of interference
which had happened at Airth in the last generation.
Mrs. Murray, of Abercairney, had been amongst the
guests, and at dinner one of the family noticed that she
was looking about for the proper spoon to help herselt




Wit and Wisdom.                    9
with salt. The old servant, Thomas, was appealed to,
that the want might be supplied.  He did not notice
the appeal.  It was repeated in a more peremptory
manner —" Thomas, Mrs. Murray  has not a saltspoon;"  to  which  he  replied  most emphatically,
" Last time Mrs. Murray dined here we lost a saltspoon."
ONLY A MISTAKE OF A LETTER.
Mr. H-        resides in  Fourth Street, New  York.
His wife, who is an economical body, had sent a costly
silk gown to a French dyer.  The dyer himself brought
home the silk dress, and unluckily, as it happened, met
the husband of the lady at the door.  "Is madam
within?" asked the Frenchman. "And suppose she is,
what do you want with her "  " I am dyeing for her,
sare."  " You dying for my wife!  Get out of my
house, you scoundrel! " and he had just raised his foot
to kick the honest artizan into the street as the lady
made her appearance, and set the matter to rights.
AN ABSENT MIND.
A  certain Scottish professor was not more remarkable for his wiltings on political economy, than for his
frequent unconsciousness of what passed before him.
His absence of mind was so remarkable, that his wife
once wagered that she would accost him in the street




Io              Book of Humour,
inquire after the health of herself and family, and that
he would not recognise her.  She actually won the
wager.  The  professor was once taking  a solitary
walk  on the banks of a canal, into which, in his
abstraction, he walked.  When within a yard of the
centre, an honest woman, washing  clothes  behind
him, bawled out, "Come oot, come oot, fule body, or
ye'll be droon't."   These warning sounds invading
the tympanum  of the professional ear, had the effect
of making him turn right about and forthwith recover
the dry land.  The good woman, concluding him to
be an idiot, sympathetically exclaimed, " Puir body I
atweel they hae muckle to answer for that lets ye
gang yer lane!"
AN OLD JOKE RE-FACED.
An American  dramatist, observing to a fiiend the
thinness of the house at one of the plays, added he
supposed it was owing to the war.  " No," replied the
wag, " I should judge it was owing to the piece."
TRAVEL TALK.
In the commercial room of an hotel in a large town
in the north, in which were assembled a number of
gentlemen  engaged in various lines of business, the
conversation turned on the different trades in which
the several members of the company were engaged.




Wit and  Wisdom.                  I
One of the travellers, not particularly cleanly in his person,
and whose hands required, markedly, the application of
the nail-brush, was very persistent in inquiring of his
companions what wares they traded in, but, at the same
time, declined to name his own trade.  "Oh," said a
wag, "it is easy to tell what trade he is in; he evidently travels to effect sales of land, and carries samples
of it under his finger-nails."
BONAPARTE'S ESTIMATE OF BRITISH SAILORS.
"I had always a high opinion of your seamen," said
Napoleon  one day to  O'Meara, in  a conversation
arising out of our expedition to Algiers.  "When I
was returning from Holland, along with the Empress
Marie Louise, we stopped to rest at Givet.  During
the night, a violent storm of wind and rain came on,
which swelled the Meuse so much, that the bridge of
boats over it was carried away.  I was very anxious to
depart, and ordered all the boatmen in the place to be
assembled, that I might be enabled to cross the river.
They said that the waters were so high that it would
be impossible to pass before two or three days.   I
questioned some of them, and soon discovered that
they were fiesh-water seamen.  I then recollected that
there were English prisoners in the barracks, and ordered that some of the oldest and best seamen among
them should be brought before me to the banks of the
river.   The waters were very high, and the current




12              Book of Humour,
rapid and dangerous.  I asked them if they could join
a number of boats together, so that I might pass over.
They answered that it was possible, but hazardous.
I desired them to set about it instantly. In the course
of a few hours they succeeded in effecting what the
others had pronounced to be impossible; and I crossed
before the evening was over   I ordered all those who
had worked at it, to receive a sum  of money each, a
suit of clothes, and their liberty."
THE BEST TIME FOR MARRIAGE.
The best time for marriage will be towards thirty, for
as the younger times are unfit, either to choose or to
govern a wife and family, so, if thou stay long, thou
shalt hardly see the education of thy children, who,
being left to strangers, are in effect lost: and better
were it to be unborn than ill-bred: for thereby thy
posterity shall either perish or remain a shame to thy
name and family.
A WOMAN FOR A WIFE.
During a visit to England, the Rev. Robert Story,
of Roseneath, was urgently advised by Edward Irving
to pay his addresses to a certain lady, who would be well
suited to him as a wife, " because," said Irving., " she
knows more of the mystery of the Papacy than any
woman in England, except my wife."




Wit and Wisdom.                  13
A DOCTOR'S EPITAPH.
Doctor I. Letsome wrote the following epitaph for
his own tombstone.; but it is not likely that he allowed
his friends, or at least his patients, to read it until he
was under the turf, or out of practice:When people's ill, they comes to I;
I physics, bleeds, and sweats'em.
Sometimes they lives, sometimes they die;
What's that to I?  I. Letsome (let's'em.)
THE ROAD TO KEW.
Theodore Hook, in the supposed character of a Gower
Street undergraduate, says: "One problem was given
me to work, which I did in a twinkling.  Given
C  A  B  to find Q.  Answer: Take your C A  B
through Hammersmith, turn to the left, just before you
come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you."
AN AMERICAN LOVE STORY.
An old gentleman, a merchant, had an only daughter,
possessed of the highest attractions, moral, personal, and
pecuniary.  She was engaged, and devotedly attached,
to a young man of her own rank of life, and, in every
respect, worthy of her choice.  All preliminaries were
arranged; and the marriage, after two or three postponements, was fixed to take place on a certain Thurs



14              Book of Humour,
day.  On the preceding Monday, the bridegroom elect
(who was to have received 5o,ooo dollars down on
his wedding day, and a further sum of Ioo,ooo dollars
on his father-in-law's dying, as there was prospect he
soon would) had some little jealous squabbling with his
intended at an evening party.  The "tiff" arose in
consequence of his paying more attention than  she
thought justifiable, to a lady with sparkling eyes and
inimitable ringlets.  The gentleman retorted, and spoke
slightingly of a certain cousin, whose waistcoat was the
admiration of the assembly, and which, it was hinted
darkly, had been embroidered by the fair hand of the
heiress in question.  He added, in conclusion, that it
would be time enough for him  to be schooled when
they were married; and that she adopted a certain
portion of the male attire " a little too soon."'  After
supper, both lovers had become more cool; iced champagne and cold chicken had done their work; and leave
was taken by the bridegroom elect, in kindly and affectionate, if not in such enthusiastic terms, as had previously terminated their meetings. On the next morning,
the swain thought, with some remorse, on the angry
feeling he had exhibited, and on the cutting sarcasm
with which he had given it vent; and, as a part of the
amende honorable, packed up with great care a magnificent satin dress, which he had previously bespoken for
his beloved, and which had been sent home to him in
the interval, and transmitted it to the lady, with a note
to the following effect:-" Dearest Jane, I have been




Wit and Wisdom.                    I 5
unable to close my eyes all night, in consequence of
thinking of our misunderstanding last evening.  Pray,
pardon me; and, in token of your forgiveness, deign to
accept the accompanying dress, and wear it for the sake
of your affectionate Henry."   Having written the
note, he gave it to his servant to deliver with  the
parcel; but, as a pair of his garments happened, at the
time, to stand in need of repairing, he availed himself of
the opportunity offered by his servant having to pass the
tailor's shop, and desired him to leave them, packed in
another parcel, on his road.  The reader foresees the
inevitable catastrophe.  Yes! the man made the fatal
blunder! consigned the satin robe to Mr. Snip, and left
the note, together with the dilapidated habiliment, at the
residence of the lady.  So exasperated was she at what
she considered a determined and deliberate affront, that
when her admirer called, she ordered the door to be
closed in his face, refused to listen to any explanation,
and resolutely broke off the match.   Before many
weeks had elapsed, means were found to make her acquainted with the history of the objectionable present;
but she, nevertheless, adhered firmly to her resolve,
deeply lamenting the misadventure, but determined to let
the burden of the ridicule rest upon the unlucky lover.
A TOUGH SNUFF STORY.
Mr. Howard Paul, in an account of his trip to
the United States, relates an anecdote of the ingenious




16               Book of Hzizour,
skill of the American thieves. He says that John Peabody, a Connecticut grocer, " came on" (as the phrase
goes) to New York to purchase stock.  Completing his
purchases, which were in due time deposited on the
docks to be shipped per river steamer, Mr. Peabody
thought proper to keep his eye upon his goods until
they could be taken on board.  Among them  was a
magnificent Goshen cheese, weighing about sixty-five
pounds, upon which, for the want of better accommodation, the weary grocer seated himself as he watched the
remainder of the property upon the wharf.  While thus
seated, ruminating over current events, calculating profits that he would realise upon his purchases, and every
now and then solacing his nasal organ from a " yaller"
snuff box, two well-dressed young men approached and
entered into conversation.   "You take snuff, sir?"
said nice young man number one.  " Yes; couldn't do
without it.  Took it for over eight years."   "You
use the maccaboy, I perceive."   "Yes.  That mild
sort suits me best for a steady-going snuff."  " Let me
recommend you to try mine," said the sharper, producing a silver-plated box engraved with an American
eagle and two shields.  " I imported it fiom France.
It is the identical snuff used by the emperor and the
officers of the  French army."   Mr. Peabody said,
"Certainly," and inserted his thumb and finger in the
stranger's box.  The moment he placed it to his nose
he was seized with violent sneezing. At every sneeze
he lifted himself about a foot from  the cheese upon




Wit and Wisdom.                  I7
which he was sitting.   While he was doing this
sharper number two was carrying out his share of the
programme.  As Mr. Peabody gave the third sneeze
he pushed the cheese from under him, and in its stead
dexterously placed a peck measure.  As he was sneezing for the eighth and last time the sharpers and the
cheese had disappeared.  Mr. P. rubbed his nose for
about five minutes, and spent about five minutes more
in wondering as to the style of noses possessed by the
emperor and the officers of the French army, who took
such powerful snuff.  By this time the deck hands of
the boat commenced to load up Mr. Peabody's goods.
He rose from his seat and said,   Take this cheese,
too." Deck hand said, " What cheese?" Mr. Peabody
looked round and found that instead of the cheese he
had been sitting upon a peck measure.   When he
understood the manner in which the exchange had
been effected, he was about the worst excited man of
the season.  He offered fifty dollars to anyone who
would give him an opportunity to fight the thieves with
one hand tied behind his back.
SALMON VERSUS SERMON.
A clergyman in Perthshire, who was more skilful as an
angler than popular as a preacher, having fallen into
conversation with some of his parishioners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned, as an instance, that he
had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a
c




18              Book of Humounr,
sermon and killed a salmon-an achievement on which
he plumed himself greatly.  "Aweel, sir," observed
one of the company, " I would rather hae your salmon
than your sermon."
THE RIGHT EMPHASIS.
Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New
Free College, remarked that he was often annoyed and
vexed beyond measure to find discourses of the ablest
character murdered and massacred by a wretched delivery.  Some ministers appeared to have a habit of
emphasising every third word or so; and he would
tell them an anecdote which he had heard to illustrate
the importance of correct reading.  A  minister once
reading I Kings xiii. 13, read it thus-" And the
prophet said unto his sons, Saddle me the ass.  So they
saddled him, the ass."
EVIL-SPEAKING.
Men will refrain from evil-speaking when their fellowmen refrain fiom evil-hearing.
THE ADVANTAGES OF HISTORY.
The villain who has imposed on mankind by his power
or cunning, and whom  experience could not unmask
for a time, is unmasked at length; and the honest man




Wit and Wisdom.                   I9
who has been misunderstood or defamed, is justified
before his story ends.  Or if this does not happen-if
the villain diks with his mask on, in the midst of applause, and honour, and wealth, and power, and if the
honest man dies under the same load of calumny and
disgrace under which he so undeservedly lived, driven
perhaps into exile and exposed to want,-yet we see
historical justice executed; the name of the one branded
with infamy, and that of the other celebrated with
panegyric to succeeding ages.
SLEEP.
Bulwer Lytton says-" Let youth cherish sleep, the
happiest of earthly boons, while yet it is at their command; for there cometh the day to all, when neither
the voice of the lute nor the bird shall bring back the
sweet slumbers that fell on their young eyes as unbidden
as the dews."
TALKING MEN AND WOMEN.
Speaking much is a sign of vanity; for he that is lavish
in words is a niggard in deed.
CURIOUS SEPULTURE.
In the burial register of Lymington, Hants, there is the
following entry:_-"  2 August, 1722.  This fore



20              Book of HzTmour,
noon the body of Samuel Baldwin, late inhabitant ot
this parish, was conveyed in a vessel off to sea, and was
committed to the deep off the Needle rocks, near the
Isle of Wight." This appears to have been done, says
a Hampshire paper, in accordance with the wish of the
deceased, to prevent his wife fiom  dancing over his
grave, which she threatened to do.
CURIOUS ADVERTISEMENT.
The following advertisement appeared recently in a
daily paper:-To pianoforte makers.-A  lady, keeping a first-class school, requiting a good piano, is desirous of receiving a daughter of the above in exchange
for the same.
ABERNETHY'S PRESCRIPTION.
An Irishman called in great haste upon Dr. Abernethy,
stating that, " Be jabers, my boy Tim has swallowed
a mouse."  " Then, be jabers," said Abernethy, " tell
your boy Tim to swallow a cat."
A  CANDID OPINION.
An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in
the midst of it, and exclaimed, " Now, gentlemen,
what do you think?"  Instantly a man rose in the
assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly




Wit and Wisdom.                  21
replied, " I think, sir-I do, indeed, sir-I think if
you and me were to stump the country together, we
would tell more lies than any other two men in the
country, sir, and I'd not say a word during the whole
time, sir."
QUID PRO Quo.
A  Frenchman, meeting an English soldier with a
Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to animadvert on the
British Government for bestowing such a trifle, which
did not cost them  three francs.  " That is true, to be
sure," replied the soldier; " it did not cost the English
Government three francs, but it cost the French a'Napoleon."'
WHITFIELD AND THE SAILORS.
When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New
York, he used the following bold apostrophe:-" Well,
my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine
headway over a smooth sea, before a light breeze, and
we shall soon lose sight of land.  But what means this
sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud
arising from  beneath the western horizon?  Hark!
don't you hear distant thunder?  Don't you see those
flashes of lightning?  A  storm  is gathering!  Every
man to his duty!   How  the waves rise and dash
against the ship!  The air is dark!  The air is dark!
The tempest rages!  Our masts are gone!  The ship




22              Book of IHmour,
is on her beam-ends?  What next?"  The unsuspecting tars suddenly rose, and exclaimed, " Take to the
long boat! "
ROWLAND HILL.
Once when preaching at Wapping to a congregation
composed chiefly of seafaring men and fisherwomen, he
greatly aston;hed his congregation by commencing the
sermon with these words:-~" I come to preach to
great sinners, notorious sinners-yea, to Wapping sinners."
A " SAVANT" IN THE WITNESS BOX.
Occasionally-very rarely, it must be owned-the witness is, besides being a man of science, a man of the
world-one who joins to the requirements of the
"' savant" all the quick and ready-witted tact of society.
Here is such a case.  The barrister was no common
man; he was highly and variously gifted; he had a
keen wit and a commanding eloquence.  It was his
task, on the occasion I refer to, to obtain fiom  the
medical witness the admission  that the substance to
which the poisoning was attributed was one freely used
in practice, often prescribed by the best physicians, and
occasionally in doses that verged on being excessive.
" Now, Doctor A.," said he, " you have told us that
strychnine is to be found in the Pharmacopceia, an
admission that goes to show that the faculty are not
afraid, to use the vulgar illustration, to play with edge



Wit and Wisdom.                  23
tools.  You have also said that you have administered
it in your own practice.  Will you be kind enough to
inform  us in what doses?"  "The dose would be
determined by  the nature of the illness, the object
sought to be obtained, and the peculiar circumstances
of the individual patient."  " Come, come, doctor, I
am not trying to poach on you for an unfee'd opinion.
I want generalities.  Would you give a grain of this
medicine "   "I might.  I would rather give an
eighth, or a sixth, or a fourth of a grain."   " But
you have actually given as much as a grain?"  "I
believe I have."' Now, would you give two, or are
there cases in which you would give three grains?
For instance, would you venture to administer three
grains to one of the gentlemen of the jury?"   "I
opine not."  " Might there not be a case in which
you would give his Lordship  yonder as much as
three grains?"  " I should say not-certainly not."
"Would you give me three grains?"  At this the
doctor seemed slightly confused and unwilling to reply,
and the lawyer, accepting the hesitation as confusion
from being puzzled, followed up his supposed advantage by repeating his question.  " I am doubtful on the
point.  It is possible that I might," was the reply, after
a long pause.  "Good  heavens, sir! what do you
mean?  You have told us that under no circumstance
would you administer as much as three grains to one of
the gentlemen of the jury, nor to his Lordship on the
bench, and yet you now avow that you are actually




24              Book of Humour,
uncertain whether you would not give this dose to me!
Explain  this, sir, if you can."   "The action of
strychnine is but imperfectly known," said the doctor,
with great composure.  " It would be a valuable contribution to medical science to determine it; and we
have a maxim  in chemistry that says,  Fiat experimentum in corpore vili.'  That's my meaning."  In this
case it was not the lawyer who triumphed.
MODERN FASHIONS.
We (says a New York paper) had the curiosity the
other day to make a note of the articles attached to a
lady's dress, the fringe of which was admirably adapted
for a "snapper up of trifles."  It was before the late
fall of snow, and the walking was dry.  We mention a
few:-A  cooper's shaving.  Item, A  dead mouse.
Item, A  half-consumed cigar.  Item, A  wisp of straw
with a conglomerate of street filth.  Item, A bunch of
horse-hair.  Item, An "old soger;" not a veteran of
the Potomac army, but a second-hand  quid.  Item,
The heel of an old boot.  How  long would a man
stand such nonsense as this?  He would stop at the
first door-sill, out knife and rip off the skirt up to his
knees.
BIRDS AND INSECTS.
The cawing rook is the smallest of the crow tribe.  He
is a true inscct-destroyer.  The cornix, or real crow,




Wit and Wisdom.                    25
will kill young lambs or pigs by picking out their eyes.
A  buzzard will destroy 6000 mice annually.  One owl
is worth a dozen cats in the field, barn, or granary.
Blackbirds, thrushes, robins, starlings, and larks are
worm-eating birds.  The goldfinch eats thistle-seeds.
A swallow will devour oo00 insects in a day. The minerbird, a worm-eater, has been introduced firom India into
Australia.   The bird called the laughing jackass is
the best native mouser and snake-killer in Australia.
How fond the Englishman is of the robin, which is his
social winter companion, which he feeds with crumbs
of bread, and which the barbarous Buffon recommended
as a bonne bouche, when eaten with bread crumbs.  The
cockroach deposits  Ioo eggs at one time, and the
wheat-fly 130 eggs, and the aphis is still more prolific.
IN THE MIDST OF LIFE WE ARE IN DEATH.
A  very singular occurrence was noticed in the ioth
Massachusetts regiment at the siege of Petersburg.  A
sergeant had been engaged in the Second Division Hospital in placing upon a number of headboards the names
of members of his regiment who had been killed in the
late fight, or had died in battle, which were to mark
their last resting-place.   There was one board  in
excess, and, in a sportive vein, he placed with a lead
pencil his own  name upon it, and the date of his
demise, 20th of June, as his term of service had then
expired, and he was about to leave for home.  On




26               Book of Humour,
that day, while near the front, bidding his companions in other regiments a farewell, he was struck in
the breast by  a 20-pounder Parrott, and  instantly
killed.   His remains were  interred, and the very
headboard he had unthinkingly inscribed with his own
name was placed over his grave, and with date correctly marks for a time his resting-place.
THE FUTURE.
Prognostications are a notable proof of the wild curiosity of our nature, grasping at and anticipating future
things, as if we had not enough to do to digest the
present.
POVERTY.
Povel ty is, except where there is an actual want of food
and raiment, a thing much more imaginary than real.
The shame of poverty-the shame of being thought
poor-it is a great and fatal weakness, though arising,
in this country, from  the fashion of the times themselves.
SEEING THROUGH HIM.
The Cure of St. Sulpice, Paris, wishing to induce the
octagenarian millionaire, Samuel Bernard, to leave a
large sum  of money to his church, visited him  with
great assiduity during his last illness, and endeavoured
to soothe his pains by numerous little attentions.  On




Wit and  Wisdom.                  27
one occasion, when the priest's solicitude was more
than usually demonstrative, the old man (whose mind
was as clear and his wit as fine as ever), scarcely turning his head, said to the cure, " Hide your cards,
monsieur; for I can see all your play."
A  CHOICE WIND.
Dean Ramsay, in his " Reminiscences of Scottish Life
and  Character,"  relates this incident:- In  one of
our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
operations seriously affected by continuous rains.  The
crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to
restore them to a condition fit for the sickle.  A  minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in
prayer as follows:-" O  Lord, we pray thee to send
us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin' wind, but a
noohin' (noughin?) soughin', winnin' wind."
THE ENGLISH GUARDS AT WATERLOO.
Captain  Gronow says: —The  Guards had what in
modern battues is called a hot corner of it, and the
greatest " gluttons" (and we had many such) must have
allowed, when night came on, that they had had fighting
enough. I confess that I am to this day astonished that
any of us remained alive. From eleven o'clock till seven
we were pounded with shot and shell at long and short
range, were incessantly potted at by tirailleurs who kept




28               Book of Hzimour,
up a most biting fire, constantly charged by immense
masses of cavalry, who seemed determined to go in
and win, preceded as their visits were by a terrific fire
of artillery; and, last of all, we were attacked by "la
Vieille Garde" itself.  But here we came to the end
of our long and fiery ordeal.  The French veterans,
conspicuous by their high bearskin caps and lofty stature,
on breasting the ridge behind which we were at that
time, were met by a fearful fire of artillery.and musketry, which swept away whole masses of those valiant
soldiers; and, while in disorder, they were charged by
us with complete success, and driven in utter rout and
discomfiture down the ravine.  The Prussians having
now  arrived in force on the French right, a general
advance of the whole line was ordered, and the day
was won.  During the battle our squares presented a
shocking sight.  Inside we were nearly suffocated by
the smoke and smell from  burnt cartridges.  It was
impossible to move a yard without treading upon a
wounded comrade, or upon the bodies of the dead; and
the loud groans of the wounded and dying were most
appalling.  At four o'clock our square was a perfect
hospital, being full of dead, dying, and mutilated soldiers.  The charges of cavalry were in appearance very
formidable, but in reality a great relief, as the artillery
could no longer fire on us: the very earth shook under
the enormous mass of men and horses.  I never shall
forget the strange noise our bullets made against the
breastplates of Kellerman's and Milhaud's cuirassiers,




FViI and WTzisdom.                29
six or seven thousand in number, who  attacked us
with great fury.  I can only compare it, with a somewhat homely simile, to the noise of a violent hail-storm
beating upon panes of glass.
A  LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.
" I owe you one," said a withered old Ccelebs to a
lady the other night at a party.  "For what?" said
she.  " Why, for calling  me a young  gentleman."
" If I did so," was the ill-natured reply, " I beg you
will not regard it as a compliment, for though an old
man you may still be but a young gentleman."
WVEDLOCK.
The married man is like the bee, that fixes his hive,
augments the world, benefits the republic, and by a
daily diligence, without wronging any, profits all; but
he who contemns wedlock (for the most part) like a
wasp, wanders an offence to the world, disturbs peace,
and meets misery as his due reward.
SHERIDAN AT A WESTMINSTER ELECTION.
Mr. Timbs, in his " Wits and Humorists" relates the
following anecdote:-Towards the close of the election, when all the exertions of Sheridan's friends had
failed to secure his return, he bore his defeat with




30              Book of Humour,
good humour.  A sailor, anxious-to view the proceedings, had climbed one of the supports in front of the
hustings.   As Sheridan commenced his speech, his
eye fell upon the tar aloft, which he turned to ludicrous
account by saying that had he but other five hundred
voters as upright as the perpendicular gentleman before
him, they would yet place him where he was-at the
head of the pole!-A  person on horseback had penetrated the crowd near the hustings, when the horse
became restive, and there was a loud outcry against
the intrusion; while some strove  to  appease  the
clamour, others urged Sheridan to proceed.  " Gentlemen," replied he, " when the chorus of the horse and
his rider is finished, I shall commence."
Too MUCH AT ONCE.
Lord Chesterfield one day, at an inn where he dined,
complained very much that the plates and dishes were
very dirty.  The waiter, with a degree of pertness,
observed, " It is said that every one must eat a peck of
dirt before he dies."   "That may be true," said
Chesterfield, " but no one is obliged to eat it all at one
meal."
AN AMERICAN INNKEEPER.
Old Rowe kept a hotel, where, as he used to say,
you could get anything that was ever made to eat.
One day in came a Yankee, and stepping up to the




Wit and Wisdom.                  3I
bar asked old Rowe what he could give him  for
dinner.  "Anything, sir," said old Rowe, " anything,
from  a pickled elephant to a canary bird's tongue."
" Wa'al," said the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, " I guess
I'll take a piece of pickled elephant."  " Well, we've
got'em; got'em all ready, right here in the house, but
you'll have to take a whole'un,'cause we never cut'em."
The Yankee "thought he would take some codfish and
potatoes."
THOUGHTS ON READING.
For general improvement, a man should read whatever his immediate inclination prompts him to; though,
to be sure, if a man has a science to learn, he must
regularly and resolutely advance.  What we read with
inclination makes a stronger impression.  If we read
without inclination, half the mind is employed in fixing the attention, so there is but half to be employed
on what we read.  If a man begins to read in the
middle of a book, and feels an inclination to go on, let
him not quit it to go to the beginning.  He may perhaps not feel again the inclination.
NAPOLEON'S LOVE FOR HIS SOLDIERS.
" For a sovereign who has worn two crowns, I am
poor, my dear count," said Napoleon to Las Cases, at
St. Helena.  " As a private individual I should be
mmensely rich, if I were on my return to Europe  It




32              Book of Humour,
is then that I would consent to live only for three years,
provided it were permitted me to pass them in France
as a simple citizen.  With what pleasure would I visit
my old companions in arms! I would go to seek them
at the plough and in the manufactories; two-thirds of
my fortune would be their patrimony.  How, then, am
I constituted?  In France I loved them in a mass, as
intrepid warriors; here I cherish them.  I feel for
them individually.  If it should happen that grief and
disappointment conduct me to the tomb, the misfortunes
of the ancient army will contribute something towards
it; they cause me to pass many unhappy nights."
EDUCATION OF CHILDREN.
In the education of children, there is nothing like
alluring the appetites and affection; otherwise you make
so many asses laden with books, and by virtue of the
lash, give them their pocket full of learning to keep;
whereas, to do well, you should not only lodge it with
them, but make them espouse it.
DEATH-SHOULD IT BE FEARED?
Death is a part of life.  It is nothing more than the
negation of\ife.  If life, therefore, be no general good,
death is no general evil.  Who shall decide it?  Not
women and children, but wise men.  Thales, the chief
of the sages, held life and death as things indifferent.




Wit and Wisdom.                 33
Socrates, the greatest of all philosophers, speaks of death
as a deliverance; and so does Cicero; and Solomon,
who had tasted all the sweets of life, condemns the
whole as vanity and vexation.
BIRTH-PLACE OF NEWTON.
The clergyman of a parish, not thirty miles from Glasgow, a very old gentleman, and altogether of the old
school, having occasion to allude, in one of his discourses, to the modern improvements in astronomy, and
their great author, Newton, said, "Sir Isaac Newton
was as weel acquainted with the stars as if he had been
born and brocht up amang them."
DEFINITION OF A SOLDIER.
Dean Swift defined a soldier as a being hired to kill in
cold blood as many of his own species, who have never
offended him, as possibly he can
HARDLY A COAT TO HIS BACK.
Poor H, the comedian, once so well known in
the Manchester and Liverpool theatres, having called
in a doctor during a serious fit of illness, was interrogated
as to his mode of living.  "Did he drink much, and
what was the fluid he indulged in?" was inquired.; Brandy and water was his weakness," H-    replied,
D




34             Book of Humour,
and "he consumed generally from six to twelve glasses
per diem, which he had done for many years."   Good
heaven!" said the doctor, "I wonder you have any
coat left to your stomach 1"  "Ah, doctor," replied the
invalid, " my friends wonder that I have any coat left to
my back."
How DR. JOHNSON WOOED.
When Dr. Johnson asked the Widow Porter. to be his
wife, he told her candidly that he had no money, and
that his uncle had been hanged. The widow replied
that she cared nothing for his parentage; that she had
no money herself; and that, though she had no relation
hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging.  So they
made a match of it.
THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.
Tom  Hood suggested that the phrase "republic of
letters" was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole
lot of authors together, they had not got a sovereign
amongst them.
THE PLEASURE OF PAYING.
It removes that uneasiness which a true spirit feels from
dependence and obligation.  It affords pleasure to the
creditor, and therefore gratifies our social affection.  It
promotes that future confidence, which is so very in



Wit and Wisdom.                   35
teresting to an honest mind: it opens a prospect of
being readily supplied with what we want on future
occasions: it leaves a consciousness of our own virtue:
and it is a measure we know to be right, both in point
of justice and of sound economy.  Finally, it is the
main support of simple reputation.
CLASSICAL QUOTATION BY1INGOLDSBY.
I happened, at dinner, says a writer in Notes and Queries,
to sit next to the lamented gentleman so well known
by this nom de plume, when a lady opposite asked for
some duck.  The footman, handing it in a hurry, spilt
some gravy on her dress.  "Oh!" said she, "my
dress is ruined."   I observed to him, " Gravi labit
ruina."  To which he replied instantly, " Dux foemina
facti."
EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT.
The following admirable riddle was quoted many years
ago in Notes and Queries. The authorship of it seems
to be involved in obscurity.
What's that which all love more than life,
Fear more than death or mortal strife?That which contented men desire,
The poor possess, the rich require?The miser spends, the spendthrift saves,
And all men carry to their graves?
The answer is-NoTHING.




36               Book of Huz ozur,
A CONDITIONAL PRAYER.
At the time that the war was raging on the Continent,
an honest woman, who had a son in the army, was
much concerned about him, and sent the following recommendation to the minister of a parish church for
the prayers of the faithful, which read as follows:" Remember in prayer a young man in the army-if he
be living!"
-  NAPOLEON'S HATRED OF SIR HUDSON LOWE.
" I understand," said Napoleon to one of his attendants,
" that this governor proposed an officer should enter my
chamber to see me, if I did not stir out. Any person,"
continued he, with much emotion, " who endeavours to
force his way into my apartment, shall be a corpse the
moment he enters it.  If he ever eats bread or meat
again, I am not Napoleon. This I am determined on.
I know that I shall be killed afterwards, as what can
one do against a camp?  I have faced death too many
times to fear it.  I told him, a few days ago, that if he
wanted to put an end to me, he would have a very good
opportunity, by sending somebody to force his way into
my chamber. That I would immediately make a corpse
of the first that entered, and then' I should be of course
despatched, and he might write home to his government,
that Bonaparte was killed in a brawl! I also told him




TWit and Wisdom.                  37
to leave me alone, and not to torment me with his hateful presence.  I have seen Prussians, Tartars, Cossacks,
Calmucks, etc., but never before in my life have I beheld so ill-favoured and so forbidding a countenance."
CHEMICAL DIATRIBES.
Chemists, natural philosophers, and mathematicians, are
all of the genus irritabile; the first class especially are
remarkable for their acrimonious disputes.  When Dr.
Thomson's famous work on chemistry was published, a
very severe review of it appeared in a London magazine.
Dr. Thomson, in as severe a reply, ascribed the authorship of the review to Dr. Ure.  In allusion to which,
a friend said, "If this were the case, it was merely a
very fine specimen of Uric acid."
A  BILL-STICKER TURNED ACTOR..
Bob Palmer, the comedian, had been originally a billsticker, which was pretty generally known among theatrical people.   One evening, being  dressed for the
character of Sir Brilliant Fashion, he strutted into the
green-room with sparkling buckles on his shoes, and a
large diamond on his finger.  One of the company
inquired if they were real.  " To be sure they are; I
wear nothing but diamonds," replied he.  "I congratulate you," said Jack Bannister, "for I remember
when you wore nothing but paste." This remark occa



38              Book of HzImozor,
sioned an angry altercation, when Mrs. Jordan cried
out, "Why don't you stick him against the wall, Bob?
Stick him against the wall!"
SOLITUDE.
Crowded towns and busy societies may delight the unthinking and the gay, but solitude is the best nurse of
wisdom.  In solitude the mind gains strength, and
learns to lean upon herself; in the world it seeks or
accepts of a few treacherous supports-the feigned compassion of one, the flattery of a second, the civilities of
a third, the friendship of a fourth-they all deceive,
and bring the mind back to retirement, reflection, and
books.
DIVISION OF LABOUR.
First Paviour: " Bill, wat's diwision of labour, as they
talks about?"  Second Paviour: " It means you heaves
the rammer, and brings it down upon the stones with
all your might, and I stands by to cry out' Ugh I'"
THE SICK MINISTER.
A venerable divine, who, in his day and generation, was
remarkable for his primitive and abstinent mode of life,
at length fell sick, and was visited by a kind-hearted
lady from a neighbouring parish. On her proposing to
make some beef-tea, he inquired what it was; and being




Wit and Wisdom.                 39
informed, he promised to drink it at his usual dinner
hour.  The soup was accordingly made in the most
approved manner, and the lady went home, directing
him to drink a quantity every day until her return. This
occurred a few days afterwards, when the lady was surprised to see the beef-tea almost undiminished, and to
hear it denounced by the worthy clergyman as the worst
thing he had ever tasted.  She determined to try it
herself, and having heated a small quantity, pronounced
it excellent.  "Ay, ay," quoth the divine, "it may
drink well enough that way, but try it wi' the sugar and
cream as I did."
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS.
A Scotch laird, on a market-day in Kilmarnock, went
into a tavern with a friend, and ordered some whisky.
The waiter, when he set down the measure, asked if
they wished to have water along with the spirits. "Na,"
said the laird; "had ye no better try to tak' out the
water that's in't already?"
A BLACK " NIGGER."
A  little boy one day ran to his father, and said, "0
father! I've just seen the blackest nigger that ever was  "
"How  black was he, my son?"  "Oh, he was as
black as black can be; why, father, charcoal would
make a white mark on him!"




40              Book of Humour,
A TEST OF MEMORY.
A  gentleman had so bad a memory, and so circumscribed, that he scarce knew what he read. A friend,
knowing this, lent him  the same book to read, seven
times over; and, being asked afterwards how he liked
it, replied, "1 think it is an admirable production, but
the author sometimes repeats the same things."
A LUXURIOUS CAMPAIGNER.
Captain Gronow, in his " Reminiscences," relates as follows of a luxury-loving officer:-He was surrounded
by muleteers, with whom he was bargaining to provide
carriage for innumerable hampers of wine, liqueurs,
hams, potted meat, and other good things, which he
had brought from  England.  He was a particularly
gentlemanly and amiable man, much beloved by the
regiment; no one was so hospitable, or lived so magnificently. His cooks were the best in the army; and
he, besides, had a host of servants of all nationsSpaniards, French, Portuguese, Italians-who were
employed in scouring the country for provisions.  Lord
Wellington once honoured him with his company; and,
on entering the ensign's tent, found him alone at table
with a dinner fit for a king, his plate and linen in good
keeping, and his wines perfect. Lord Wellington was




Wit and Wisdom.                 41
accompanied on this occasion by Sir Edward Pakenham and Colonel De Burgh, afterwards Lord Downes.
It fell to my lot to partake of his princely hospitality,
and dine with him  at his quarters-a farmhouse in a
village on the Bidassoa-and I never saw a better dinner
put upon table. The career of this amiable Amphitryon,
to our great regret, was cut short, after exercising for
about a year a splendid but not very wise hospitality.
He had only a younger brother's fortune; his debts
became very considerable, and he was obliged to quit -
the Guards.  He and his friends had literally eaten up
his little fortune
AN ADVERTISEMENT.
The following remarkable advertisement appeared in
a newspaper recently: —" Poacher wanted.  Wanted
a thoroughly experienced poacher, by a farmer in the
neighbourhood.  Good encouragement will be given.
Apply by letter to, Post-office,."
PHRENOLOGY AT FAULT.
After Professor Porson's death, his head was dissected, when, to. the confusion of craniologists and the
consolation of blockheads, it was discovered that he had
a skull of extraordinary thickness.  Professor Gall, on
being called upon to reconcile the intellectual powers
and tenacious memory of Porson with a skull that




42               Book/ of Humour,
would have suited a prize-fighter, is said to have replied,
" How the ideas got into such a skull is their business,
not mine; but, when they were once in, they certainly
could never get out again."
GAMBLING.
It is possible that a wise and good man may be pre.
vailed on to game; but it is impossible that a professed
gamester should be a wise and good man
RATHER TOO FAST.
Abernethy, while canvassing for the office of surgeon
to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, called upon a rich grocer.
" I suppose, sir," said the grocer, with much importance,
"you want my vote and interest at this momentous
epoch of your life?"  "No, I don't," said Abernethy,
" I want a pennyworth of figs: come, look sharp and
wrap them up, for I want to be off."
ANECDOTE OF LORD JEFFREY.
When the late Lord  Jeffiey was an advocate, he
occasionally paid Dumfries a professional visit.  On
one occasion, he was employed to defend a respected
bailie of the burgh, who had, in a case with which the
Incorporated Fleshers of Dumfries were concerned,
spoken of them  in an uncomplimentarl: style.  They




Wit and Wisdom.                   43
brought an action of damages against the magistrate, on
the ground that he had applied to them a phrase which
sounded very like the words, "a pack of -swindlers."
Mr. Jeffrey admitted incourt that his client had used
language very like what was attributed to himlanguage which he (the learned counsel) must allow
was not quite courteous, nor yet perfectly correct. The
pursuers did not carry on a traffic in pigs, but in the
carcases of sheep and cattle, and hence to say that they
dealt in swine was scarcely true, but he submitted that
the epithet, " a pack of swine-dealers," was a very different thing from " a pack of swindlers," and he trusted
the jury would see this to be the case, and honourably
acquit the defendant of all intention to libel the Honourable the Corporation of Fleshers. The representation
of the ingenious advocate was so plausible in itself, and
so cleverly pleaded, that the jury, accepting his version
of the case, found that there was nothing libellous in
calling butchers swine-dealers, and at once returned a
verdict of acquittal.
A  WITTY SENTRY.
A lieutenant of the I oth United States Infantry recently
met with a sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant
was promenading in full uniform one day, and approaching a volunteer on sentry, who challenged him  with
"Halt! who comes there?"   The lieutenant, with
contempt in every lineament of his face, expressed his




44.      Book of Hizuouzr,
feeling with an indignant "Ass!"  The sentry's reply,
apt and quick, came-" Advance, Ass, and give the
countersign."
HAPPINESS.
Happiness consists in the multiplicity of agreeable consciousness.  A  peasant has not a capacity for having
equal happiness with a philosopher: they may be
equally satisfied but not equally happy. A small drinking-glass and a large one may be equally full, but the
larger holds more than the smaller.
A MOT BY AN AMBASSADRESS.
Not very long ago, the Emperor Napoleon's carriagehorses took fright during a drive from  Fontainebleau.
They were soon stopped, however, and the party got safe
home.  "Do you know, countess," said the emperor,
"that we have nearly died together?"  "No, sire,"
replied the countess, "you have escaped death —I, immortality." This is related of Lady Cowley.
NOT TIME ENOUGH.
A correspondent of a Nashville paper tells a story about
a person who was going to Chattanooga on the railroad.
When the train entered the tunnel and total darkness,
said person asked a stranger how long it would be going
through.  Stranger was a bit of a wag, and replied,




Wit and Wisdom.                  45
"two hours.''  Person thought he would avail himself
of the opportunity to don a clean shirt, and about the
time he had " shucked himself," the train dashed out
into daylight, exposing his person to. the astonished gaze
of some hundred pairs of male and female eyes belonging to passengers.  He had about as much clothes as
the Apollo Belvidere-and no chance to run.
AN EDITOR OVERCOME.
Newspaper people, says an American journalist, are
proverbially temperate as well as virtuous. We believe,
however, one of the craft did get "slightly tight" a
few weeks ago, and the following is a specimen of his
broadsheet  as it appeared next day; —"Yesterday
morning, at four p.m., a small man, named Jones, or
Browne, or Smith, with. a heel in the.hole of his trousers, committed arsenic by swallowing a dose of suicide.
Verdicate to the jury that the diseased came to the facts
in accordance with his death.  He leaves a child and
six small wives to lament his untimely loss.
FISHING IN SCOTCH LAKES.
We are indebted to Blackwood's Magazine for the following:-In  passing the rivers Awe and Urchy we
heard great complaints of the small size and scarcity of
the fish now caught there.  "The bag-nets, sir, will
scarcely allow a small fish to run up the Awe, let alone




46               Book of Hfzumour,
the Urchy.  They may sometimes try a whole day on
both rivers without the rise of a single clean fish."'" I
mind the day," said the gray-headed Highlandman,
"when forty-pound fish were common enough in the
Ow'; my faither used to speak o' fish sixty and even
seventy pounds; and I've heard him tell o' a pair of
foul fish speared by the leister which measured five feet
nine inches each.  Hech, sir, thaE fish, when clean,
must ha' weighed four stone."  " I mind when I was
a bit laddie," said another old fisher to me, " a gentleman hooking a fish after breakfast on Saturday.  He
played it a' day till twal' o' the clock, when he was
richt glad o' the excuse o' the Sabbath morn to let
it go."
MIRTH.
Harmless mirth is the best cordial against the consumption of the spirits: wherefore jesting is not unlawful, if
it trespasseth not in quantity, quality, or season.
DR. JOHNSON ON PUNNING.
I remember, many years ago, says a correspondent of
Notes and Queries, reading an anecdote of Johnson's
dislike to punning, and his witty rejoinder to an observation of Boswell's thereupon; but as "N. and Q."
had then no existence, I did not " make a note on't,"
and the source of the anecdote had passed away from
my memory.  The story was told in the following




Wit and Wisdom.                 47
way:-" Sir," said Johnson, " I hate a pun.  A man
who would perpetrate a pun would have little hesitation
in picking a pocket."  Upon this, Boswell hinted that
his " illustrious " friend's dislike to this species of small
wit might arise from his inability to play upon words.
" Sir," roared Johnson " if I were " punish-ed for every
pun I shed, there would not be left a puny shed of my
punnish head."
COBBETT'S COURTSHIP.
It is recorded in Chambers's "Book of Days," that
while in New Brunswick, Cobbett met the girl who became his wife.  He first saw her in company for about
an hour one evening.  Shortly afterwards, in the dead
of winter, when the snow lay several feet thick on the
ground, he chanced, in his walk at break of day, to
pass the house of her parents. It was hardly light, but
there was she out in the cold, scrubbing a washing-tub.
That action made her mistress of Ccbbett's heart for
ever.  No sooner was he out of hearing than he exclaimed, "That's the girl for me!"  She was the
daughter of a sergeant of artillery, and then only thirteen. To his intense chagrin, the artillery was ordered
to England, and she had to go with her father.  Cobbett, by this time, had managed to save o50 guineas as
a foot-soldier-the produce of extra work. Considering
that Woolwich, to which his sweetheart was bound,
was a gay place, and that she there might find many




48               Book of Huzmozur,
suitors, who, moved by her beauty, might tempt her
by their wealth; and, unwilling that she should hurt
herself with hard work, he sent her all his precious
guineas, and prayed that she would use them fieely, for
he could get plenty more-to buy good clothes, and live
in pleasant lodgings, and be as happy as she could until
he was able to join her. Four long years elapsed before
they met: Cobbett, when he reached England, found
her a maid-of-all-work, at f5 a-year.  On their meeting, without saying a word about it, she placed in his
hands his parcel of i 5o guineas unbroken. He obtained
his discharge from the army, and married the brave and
thrifty woman.  She made him  an admirable wifenever was he tired of speaking her praises; and whatever comfort and success he afterwards enjoyed, it was
his delight to ascribe to her care and to her inspiration.
LETTER-WRITING.
Who has not laughed at the story of the letter-writer,
who concludes: " I would say more but for an impudent Irishman who is looking over my shoulder, and
reading everything I write," with the self-betraying
denial of the Irishman?  The story may be read in
Galland's "Paroles Remarquables des Orientaux."  It
is not impossible that this comic incident or fiction gave
Frederick the Great the hint for the terrible coup de
theatre in the tent of the officer who, when all lights
had been forbidden under pain of death, was found




Wit and Wisdom.                 49
finishing a letter to his wife by the light of a taper:" Add a postscript. Before this reaches you I shall be
shot for disobedience of orders;" and shot he was. Mrs.
Norton has based a beautiful song upon this event,
which is only too well attested.
LIVING IN THE BYE-LAWS.
Speaking of General Hinks, an American  says:"That he lives in spite of wounds that would kill
another man, reminding him  of the remark of Rufus
Choate, when told, that if he persisted in his habit of
exhausting labour he would injure his constitution:-'Why, I haven't had a constitution for ten yearsI'm living under the bye-laws."'
A  SOLDIER'S EXCUSE FOR DECLINING A DUEL.
" What, you're afraid then!" "Yes, I am-you're
right;
I am afraid to sin, but not to fight.
I fear not man nor devil; but, though odd,
I'm not ashamed to own, I fear my God."
THE GRIMALDI OF FASHIONABLE LIFE.
Captain Gronow, in his "Reminiscences," says:Colonel Mackinnon, commonly called " Dan," was an
exceedingly well-made man, and remarkable for his
E




50             Book of Humour,
physical powers in running, jumping, climbing, and such
bodily exercises as demanded agility and muscular
strength.  He used to amuse his friends by creeping
over the furniture of a room like a monkey.  It was
very common for his companions to make bets with
him; for example, that he would not be able to climb
up the ceiling of a room, or scramble over a certain
house-top.  Grimaldi, the famous clown, used to say,
"Colonel Mackinnon has only to put on the motley
costume, and he would totally eclipse me." Mackinnon
was famous for practical jokes; which were, however,
always played in a gentlemanly way.  Before landing
at St. Andero's, with some other officers who had been
on leave in England, he agreed to personate the Duke of
York, and make the Spaniards believe that his royal
highness was amongst them.  On nearing the shore, a
royal standard was hoisted at the mast-head, and Mackinnon disembarked, wearing the star of his shako on
his left breast, and accompanied by his friends, who
agreed to play the part of aides-de-camp to royalty.
The Spanish authorities were soon informed of the
arrival of the royal commander-in-chief of the British
army; so they received Mackinnon with the usual pomp
and circumstance attending such occasions. The mayor
of the place, in honour of the illustrious arrival, gave a
grand banquet, which terminated with the appearance of
a huge bowl of punch. Whereupon Dan, thinking that
the joke had gone far enough, suddenly dived his head
into the porcelain vase, and threw his heels into the air.




Wit and Wisdom.                5 
THE LOVE OF GOD.
Could we with ink the ocean fill;
Were the whole earth of parchment made;
Were every single stick a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;To write the love of God alone,
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor would the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.
AN AMIABLE YOUNG LADY.
A  Caledonian newspaper, in an obituary of a young
lady, who lately died, closed by saying, " She had an
amiable temper, and was uncommonly fond of ice-cream
and other delicacies."
THE JOURNEY OF LIFE.
Human life is the journey of a day; we rise in the
morning of youth, full of vigour, and full of expectation;
we set forward with spirit and hope, with gaiety and
with diligence, and travel on awhile in the road of piety
towards the mansions of rest.  In a short time we remit
our fervour, and endeavour to find some more easy
means of obtaining the same end.  We then relax our
vigour, and enter the bowers of ease, and repose in the




52               Book of Humour,
shades of obscurity.  Here the heart softens and vigilance subsides; we then turn our eyes upon the gardens
of pleasure; we enter them, hoping to pass through
them without losing the road of virtue, which we for
awhile keep in sight, and to which we purpose to return.
By degrees we let fall the remembrance of our original
intention; we entangle ourselves in business, immerse
ourselves in luxury, and rove through the labyrinths of
inconstancy till the dulness of old age invades us, and
disease and anxiety obstruct our path.
NAPOLEON'S INDIFFERENCE TO ORTHOGRAPHY.
As showing Bonaparte's carelessness as to correctness in writing and spelling, Las Cases says: —" One day
he said to me,' You do not write orthographically, do
you?  At least, I suppose you do not; for a man
occupied with public or other important business-a
minister for instance-cannot and need not attend to
orthography.  His ideas must flow faster than his hand
can trace them: he has only time to place his points;
he must put words in letters, and phrases in words;
and let the scribes make it out afterwards.'  He indeed
left a great deal for the copyists to do; he was their
torment: his handwriting actually resembled hieroglyphics, and he often could not decipher it himself.  My
son was one day reading to him  a chapter of the
Campaign of Italy; on a sudden he stopped short,
unable to make out the writing.'The little block



Wit and Wisdom..                   53
head,' said the emperor,'cannot read his own handwriting.'' It is not mine, sire.'' And whose, then?'' Your majesty's.''How so, you little rogue; do you
mean to insult me?'  The emperor took the manuscript, tried a long while to read it, and at last threw it
down, saying,' He is right, I cannot tell myself what is
Written.'"
A MEANS OF LIVELIHOOD.
" The most winning player I ever knew," says Sir
E. B. Lytton, " was a good, but not a first-rate player,
and, playing small stakes, though always the same stakes,
he made a handsome yearly income.  He took up
whist as a profession instead of the bar, saying ingenuously,' At the bar, if I devoted myself to it, I
think 1 could make the same yearly sum with pains
which at whist I make with pleasure.  I prefer pleasure
to pain when the reward is equal, and I choose whist."'
A LAWYER'S CHARITY.
A   poor Irish barrister, who  had more brains than
briefs, had, fiom too social habits, lost his practice, and,
by-and-by, his health-consumption closing the record
on him, and leaving nothing to defray the usual expenses attendant on interment.  A warm-hearted friend
of the deceased, however, set about raising a subscription
amongst his acquaintances, limiting the amount to a
shilling each.  Having accosted one of the brethren,




54              Book of Humour,
who was wont to complain of too great an increase in
the number of practitioners, the latter saluted him with
C"What are you about now, with that suspicious-looking
green bag in your hand?"  " You are aware, I suppose,
of the death of our poor friend," was the reply; " so
you must give me a shilling, to help to buy a turf to
cover all that's left of him here."  "Poor fellow!"
said the other; "I have not a shilling about me, but
there's a sovereign for you, and bury twenty when you
are at it."
How SINGERS ARE PAID.
Malibran, at Drury  Lane; under Bunn's management, received   I 5~o each night.  The same price was
paid to Lablache for two performances. Grisi at New
York received f400 for one performance, and shortly
after obtained   2 2400 as the result of one night's
entertainment in London.  Taglioni received  (I 50
for every performance at Hamburg; at her second
benefit at St. Petersburg she realised the extravagant
surn of f8 I60, in addition to a magnificent present of
diamond ornaments made her by the Czar. ~
AN INCIDENT OF THE AMERICAN WAR.
During  General Birney's raid  through  Florida, a
bright little girl was found alone at one house, her
parents having skedaddled.  She did not know whether
the troops were Union or rebel.  Two fine dogs made




Wit and Wisdom..             5
their appearance while a conversation was being held
with the child, and she informed one of her questioners
that their names were  Gillmore and  Beauregard.
"Which is the best dog?" asked a bystander.  "I
don't know," said she; "they're both mighty smart
dogs; but they'll either of'em suck eggs if you don't
watch'em.". The troops left without ascertaining
whether the family of which the girl was so hopeful a
scion was Union or rebel.
YANKEE NOTIONS.
Boasting of a visit he had paid to the Queen at Windsor, a Yankee clinched his remarks by declaring —" I
should have been invited to dinner, but it was washingday."
AN ENGLISHMAN'S BLUNDERS.
Among the many English (says Captain Gronow, in
his "Reminiscences,") who visited Paris in 1815, was
Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office
of Lord Mayor of London.  He ordered a hundred
visiting cards, inscribing upon them " Alderman Wood,
feu Lord Maire de Londres," which he had largely
distributed amongst people of rank-having translated
the word "late" into "feu," which, I need hardly
state, means dead.  Again, one of our countrymen,
having been introduced by M. de la Rochefoucauld to
Mademoiselle  Bigottini, the beautiful and graceful




56               Book of Humour,
dancer, in the course'6f conversation with this gentleman, asked him  in what part of the theatre he was
placed; upon which he replied, "Mademoiselle, dans
une loge rotie," instead of "grillee."   The lady could
not understand what he meant, until his introducer explained the mistake, observing, " Les diables des Anglaij
pensent toujours a leur Rosbif."
PROOF AGAINST HEADACHE.
An  elderly gentleman, travelling  in  a  stage-coach,
was amused by the constant fire of words kept up
between two ladies.  One of them at last kindly inquired if their conversation did not make his head ache,
when he answered, with a great deal of naivete, " No,
ma'am, I have been married twenty-eight years."
AN APPROPRIATE TOAST.
At an election dinner at Kidderminster-a place celebrated for its manufacture of carpets-this toast was
proposed by a townsman —" May the trade of our town
always be trodden underfoot."
DR. JOHNSON'S REFLECTIONS ON RANELAGH.
As Xerxes  wept when he viewed  his immense
army, and considered that not one of that multitude
would be living one hundred years after; so it went to




Wit and Wisdom.                 57
my heart to consider that there was not one in all that
brilliant circle at Ranelagh, that was not afraid to go
home and think; I felt that the thoughts of each individual
there would be distressing when alone. This reflection
was experimentally just; the feeling of languor is itself
a very severe pain; and when the mind is then vacant,
a thousand disappointments rush in and excruciate.
A WITTY REPLY.
A barrister came into court one day with his wig all
awry, which caused a general titter amongst his brother
lawyers and the bench; on which he turned to Curran,
and said-"Do you see anything ridiculous in my wig?"
Curran drily answered —(No; nothing but your head."
A  YANKEE STAKE-HOLDER.
An individual at the races was staggering about the
track with more liquor than he could carry.  " Hallo,
what's the matter now?" said a friend whom the inebriated man had run against.  " Why-hic-why, the
fact is a lot of my friends have been betting liquor
on the race to-day, and they have got me to hold the
stakes."
AN INGENUOUS REPLY.
A  lady at -, whose friends- had arrived unexpectedly, got up an impromptu dinner party, and was




58              Book of Humour,
compelled to send to the nearest pastry-cook's for some
large tarts. All went on well until the lady, unluckily
wishing to show off by pretending not to know what
was at her own table, pointed to the dish with an air
of great dignity, and inquired, "John, what are these
tarts?"  Whereat John, in the innocence of his heart,
looking at the tarts in a commercial rather than a culinary point of view, briskly replied, " Fourpence apiece,
ma'am."
A  REGULAR MAN.
A little time ago a landlord, who was talking boastingly
about his customers, said, " Mr.-    is the most regular
customer I have; he comes here and gets drunk every
Saturday, and has done the same for ten years, except
when his mother died, and that time he came on the
Sunday.  It's a grand thing being punctual."
THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
De Quincey says-If once a man indulges himself in
murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing;
and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.  Once begin upon this downward path, you
never know where you are to stop.  Many a man has
dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps
he thought little of at the time.  Principiis obstathat's my rule."




Wit and Wisdom.                 59
A JOKE OF DR. GOODALL'S.
Captain Gronow, speaking of Dr. Goodall, says-This
gentleman was proverbially fond of punning. About
the same time that he was made Provost of Eton, he
received, also, a stall at Windsor. A young lady of
his acquaintance, while congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give the young ladies of
Eton and Windsor a ball during the vacation, happened
to touch his wig with her fan, and caused the powder
to fly about.  Upon which the doctor exclaimed, " My
dear, you see you can get the powder out of the canon,
but not the ball."
A  SLIGHT ALTERATION.
Cowper's celebrated line" England! with all thy faults, I love thee still,"
was thus parodied by a whisky-loving Irishman"Ireland! with all thy faults, I love thy still."
A POLITE CARPENTER.
A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet
(which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground
that he had not been paid for the last he had erected,
gave so much offence that the next-time the judge came
the circuit, he was sent for.  " Fellow," said the judge,




60             Book of Humour,
in a stern tone, " how came you to neglect making the
gibbet that was ordered on my account?"  " I humbly
beg your pardon," said the carpenter; "had I known it
had been for your lordship, it would have been done
immediately."
PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
During a considerable part of the time in which Savage
was employed upon his tragedy of Sir Thomas Overbury,
he was without lodging, and often without meat; nor
had he any other conveniences for study than the fields
or the streets allowed him; there he used to walk and
form his speeches, and afterwards step into a shop, beg
for a few moments the use of the pen and ink, and
write down what he had composed, upon paper which
he had picked up by accident.
DEATH A LEVELLER.
Let not the grandeur of any man's station render him
proud and wilful; but let him remember, when he is
surrounded with a crowd of suppliants, that death shall
level him with the meanest of mankind.
NAPOLEON'S MODE OF LIVING AT ST. HELENA.
Describing the food which was placed on his table to
his physician, Dr. Antommarchi, he said-Physicians




Wit and Wisdom.                 6r
have the right of regulating the table, it is fit I should
give you an account of mine.  Behold what it consists
of: a basin of soup, two plates of meat, one of vegetables, a salad when I can take it, compose the whole
service; half a bottle of claret, which I dilute with a
good deal of water, serve me for drink: I drink a little
of it pure towards the end of the repast.  Sometimes,
when I feel fatigued, I substitute champagne for claret:
it is a sure means of giving a fillip to the stomach.
The doctor having expressed his surprise at this temperate mode of living, he replied-In my marches with
the army of Italy, I never failed to put in the bow of
my saddle a bottle of wine, some bread, and a cold fowl.
This provision sufficed for the wants of the day; I may
even say I often shared it with others.  I thus gained
time; the economy of my table turned to account on
the field of battle.  For the rest, I eat fast, masticate
little; my meals do not consume my hours.  This is
not what you will approve the most; but in my present
situation what signifies it?
WHICH IS THE MASTER?
A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting
some members of his flock, came to the door of a house
where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the
noise of contention within.  After waiting a little he
opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, " I should like to know who is the head




62              Book of Humour,
of this house."  " Weel, sir," said the husband and
father, "if ye sit down a wee we'll maybe be able to
tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."
THE MODESTY OF GREATNESS.
There is, among the records of Newton, a sentence in
the spirit of Shakspeare:-" I don't know what I may
seem to the world; but, as to myself, I seem to have
been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and
diverting himself in now and then finding a smoother
pebble, or a prettier shell, than ordinary, whilst the
great Ocean of Truth lay all undiscovered before me."
THE MARRIED STATE.
Marriage is not commonly unhappy, but as life is unhappy; and most of those who complain of connubial
miseries have as much satisfaction as their natures would
have admitted, or their conduct procured, in any other
condition.
LORD BYRON.
Captain Gronow, speaking of Lord Byron, says-His
professed dislike to seeing women eat was found out to
arise solely " from the fact of their being helped first,
and, consequently, getting all the wings of the chickens,
while other people had to be content with the legs."
Scrope Davis, on one occasion, found Byron in bed at




Wit and Wisdom.                  63
Cambridge with his hair in curl-papers. Byron besought
his friend not to let the cat out of the bag, for that he
was " as vain of his curls as a girl of sixteen."  Davis
said that he considered Lord Byron "very agreeable
and clever, but vain, overbearing, conceited, suspicious,
and jealous."  He thought "that the whole world ought
to be constantly employed in admiring his poetry and
himself."  This is not an unfiequent opinion among
poets, but it has usually the effect of preventing them
from  being very agreeable.  Once, when Byron was
walking with Henry Hobhouse, he turned suddenly
upon him  in the midst of a silence, and exclaimed,
"Now, I know, Hobhouse, you are looking at my
foot."
THE BITTERNESS OF DISTRESS.
Nothing so powerfully calls home the mind as distress.
The tense fibre then relaxes; the soul retires to itself,
sits pensive and susceptible of right impressions.  If we
have a friend,'tis then we think of him; if a benefactor,
at that moment all his kindness presses upon our minds.
A  DUELLIST.
When the celebrated duellist, Fighting Fitzgerald, was
in Paris, the English ambassador introduced him to the
French king; prior to which introduction, the ambassador-informed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a gentleman of such amazing prowess, that he had fought thirty




64              Book of Huzmozur,
duels, and behaved equally brave and honourable in
them  all.  "Then, I think," says the king, with a
smile, " this gentleman's life would make an admirable
appendix to your renowned countryman's history of
Jack the Giant-Killer."
ABERNETHY " FLOORED."
The following anecdote is told of the celebrated surgeon,
Mr. Abernethy:-One day, during an examination of
a class of students, he asked one of them what he would
do in the case of a man being blown up by gunpowder.
" I should wait till he came down again," was the cool
reply.  "True," rejoined Abernethy.  "And suppose
I should kick you for such an impertinent reply, what
muscles should I put in motion?"  "The flexors and
extensors of my right arm," said the student; " for I
should floor you directly."
SUETT THE ACTOR.
A gentleman called one evening to see Suett the comedian at the stage-door of the theatre at which the actor
was engaged. Suett not being in the theatre, the gentleman-to whom  the actor's person was unknownresolved to wait. Presently the actor came in, drenched
with the rain, which was falling heavily.  " Pray, sir,"
said the gentleman, "are you Suett?"  "Egad," was
the reply, " I rather think I'm dripping."




Wit and Wisdom.                 65
GENERAL WOLFE.
Chambers's " Book of Days" records that when, in
759, Pitt intrusted General Wolfe with the expedition against Quebec, on the day preceding his embarktion, Pitt, desirous of giving his last verbal instructions, invited him to dinner at Hayes-Lord Temple
being the only other guest.  As the evening advanced,
Wolfe, heated, perhaps, by his own aspiring thoughts,
and the unwonted society of statesmen, broke forth in
a strain of gasconade and bravado. He drew his sword
and rapped the table with it, he flourished it round the
room, and he talked of the mighty things which that
sword was to achieve.  The two ministers sat aghast
at an exhibition so unusual from any man of real sense
and spirit.  And when, at last, Wolfe had taken his
leave, and his carriage was heard to roll from the door,
Pitt seemed for the moment shaken in the right opinion
which his deliberate judgment had formed of Wolfe; he
lifted up his eyes and arms, and exclaimed to Lord
Temple-" Good God! that I should have intrusted
the fate of the country and of the administration to
such hands!"
AN IRISH DEBT.
The late Sir Walter Scott, meeting an Irish beggar in
the street, who importuned him for sixpence, the then
Great Unknown not having one, gave him  a shilling,
F




66               B0oo7k of Hzzumour,
adding with a laugh, " Now, remember you owe nme
sixpence."  "Och, sure enough," said the beggar,
cc and God grant you may live till I pay you."
COLONEL KELLY AND HIS BLACKING.
Among the odd characters I have met with (says Captain Gronow), I do not recollect any one more eccentric
than the late Lieutenant-Colonel Kelly, of the First
Foot Guards, who was the vainest man I ever encountered.  He was a thin, emaciated-looking dandy, but
had all the bearing of the gentleman.  He was haughty
in the extreme, and very fond of dress; his boots were
so well varnished that the polish now in use could not
surpass Kelly's blacking in brilliancy; his pantaloons
were made. of the finest leather, and his coats were
inimitable: in short, his dress was considered perfecto
His sister held the place of housekeeper to the customhouse, and when it was burnt down, Kelly was burnt
with it, in endeavouring to save his favourite boots.
When the-news of his horrible death became known,
all the dandies were anxious to secure the services of
his valet, who possessed the mystery of the inimitable
blacking.  Brummell lost no time in discovering his
place of residence, and asked what wages he required;
the servant answered, his late master gave him  ~    o
a year, but it was not enough for his talents, and he
should require ~200; upon which  Brummell said,
"Well, if you will make it guineas, I shall be happy




Wit and Wisdoli.                 67
to attend  upon you."   The  late Lord Plymouth
eventually secured this phoenix of  2o00 a year, and
bore away the sovereignty of boots.
A  CONUNDRUM.
Why is a badly-conducted hotel like a fiddle?  Because
it's a vile inn.
EVILS OF GAMING.
Avoid gaming; for among many other evils which
attend it, are these:-Loss of time; loss of reputa..
tion; loss of health; loss of fortune; loss of temper;
ruin of families; defrauding of creditors; and, what is
fiequently the effect of it, the loss of life, both temporal and eternal.
RESTRAINT ON PLEASURE.
Put this restriction on your pleasures-Be cautious that
they injure no being which has life.
EVILS OF WAR.
A wise minister would rather preserve peace than gain
a victory; because he knows that even the most successful war leaves nations generally more poor, always
more profligate, than it found them.  There are real
evils that cannot be brought into a list of indemnities,




68              Book of Humour,
and the demoralizing influence of war is not the least of
them.  The triumphs of truth are the most glorious,
chiefly because they are the most bloodless of all victories, deriving their highest lustre from the number of
the saved, not of the slain.
AN AMERICANISM.
" You, Sambo, you have fed the pigs?"  "Yes, massa,
me fed'um," replied Sambo.  " Did you count them?"
"Yes, massa, me count'um all but one."  "All but
one?   "Yes, massa, all but one: dere be one little
speckle pig, he fiisk about so much me couldn't count
him I"
PRIDE.
Like the magnet, it constantly points to one objectself; but, unlike the magnet, it has no attractive pole,
but at all points repels.
LELY THE PAINTER.
Sir William Lely had agreed for the price of a portrait
he was to draw for a rich London alderman, who was
not indebted to nature either for shape or face.  The
picture being finished, the alderman endeavoured to
beat down the price, saying, that if he did not purchase
it, it would remain on the painter's hands.  " That's
a mistake," said Sir William, "for I can sell it at




Wit and Wisdom.                  69
double the price I demand."  "How  can that be?"
says the alderman, " for it is like no one but meo"
" True," replied Sir William, " but I will draw a tail
to it, and then it will be a capital monkey." The
alderman at once paid down the money demanded, and
carried off the picture.
A  SHREWD IRISHMAN.
An Irish car-driver having driven a gentleman a long
stage during a storm of rain, the gentleman said to
him, "Paddy, are you not very wet?"  "Arrah! I
don't care about being wet, but plase yer honour, I'm
very dry."
AN INCIDENT IN THE AMERICAN WAR.
Two females, dressed in Federal uniform, were brought
to the Irving Block fiom the front.  They were arrested in the camps of the 2  st Missouri Infantry, in
which they were serving, one as a drummer, and the
other as a teamster, under the names of Charles Davis
and William  Morris.  The drummer's real name is
Jane Short.  Previous to joining the 2Ist Missouri,
she served for over a year as private in the 6th Illinois
Cavalry, into which regiment she enlisted fiom Shawneetown, Illinois, where she resided before the war.  She
was at the battle of Shiloh, and was there wounded in
the hand by a musket-ball.   After recovering, she




70               Book of Humozur,
joined her regiment, and participated in various conflicts, until prostrated by sickness and sent to the hospital,
which led to her discharge. She then came to Memphis,
where she lived for several months, when, pining for the
excitement of glorious war again, she joined the band
of the 21 st Missouri, in which she performed excellent
service on the bass drum until the time of her arrest.
Louisa Morris, alias Bill Morris, the younger of the
two, is much better looking than her companion.  She
formerly resided in St. Louis, from  which place she
enlisted in the Red  Rovers of the  ioth  Missouri
Cavalry,, and served nine months, passing unhurt through
several engagements.  She then deserted, and coming
to Memphis, lived as a woman until meeting with Jane
Short, with whom  she started for the wars again, as
teamster for the 2 ISt Missouri Infantry.  They claim
that they have not revealed their sex, nor was it discovered by any of their comrades since they entered the
service, and that their enlistment was prompted  by
patriotic motives only; they wanted, they said, to do a
small share towards " licking the rebs."  The cause of
their arrest was, that Jane became frightened at the
report that the regiment was to be sent out, with others,
to meet Forrest, and revealed their sex to one of the
officers, who reported them at head-quarters, when they
were sent to the provost-marshal of the right wing of
the sixteenth army corps, and thence to Memphis.  It
is the intention of the authorities to send them to their
homes, if they have any.




Wtit anzd Wisdom.                7I
HELP THE HELPLESS.
No character is more glorious, none more attractive of
universal admiration and respect, than that of helping
those who are in no condition of helping themselves.
SWIFT AND HIS BARBER.
Dean Swift, whilst resident in a village where he had
a living, was frequently shaved by a barber to whom
he became much attached.  The barber one day told
Swift that he had taken a public-house, which he intended to carry on in conjunction with his trade as a
barber, and respectfully requested the Dean to write
him a line or two to put on- his sign-board.  The
Dean took up his pen, and wrote this couplet:Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here,
Where nought excels the shaving but the beer.
/     THE VALUE OF A TRUE FRIEND.
A  sure friend is best known in an adverse state.  We
know  not whom  to trust till after trial.  There are
some that will keep us company while it is clear and
fair, who will be gone when the clouds gather. That
is the only friendship which is stronger than death; and
those the friends whose fortunes are embarked in the same
bottom, who are resolved to sink or swim together.




72              Book of Hzumozz;
A MIS-DEAL.
A  celebrated Scotch divine had just risen up in the
pulpit to lead the congregation in prayer, when a gentleman in front of the gallery took out his handkerchief
to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a pack
of cards were wrapped up in it; the whole pack was
scattered over the breast of the gallery.  The minister
could not resist a sarcasm, solemn as the act was in
which he was about to engage.   "0  man, man!
surely your psalm-bulk has been ill bund."
A WITTY REVELLER.
A whisky-drinking Irishman was brought before a magistrate named PORTER charged with being drunk and disorderly.  The magistrate committed the delinquent to
prison for a month, telling him that would give him
time enough to curse whisky.  "Yes, faith," was the
prisoner's reply, "and Porter too."
DUPREZ THE VOCALIST.
When Duprez, the eminent French singer, was engaged
by the late Mr. Bunn for Drury Lane Theatre, a wit
of the day wrote to Mr. Bunn for an order for the
theatre, thus:-Dear Bunn,-" Send me an order to hear
your French nightingale-Do-pray.-Yours, etc."




Wit and Wisdom.                  73
WRITING FOR THE FUTURE.
The late Dr. Jamieson, the Scottish lexicographer, was
vain of his literary reputation, and, like many others
who know not where their great strength lies, thought
himself gifted with a kind of intellectual able-to-doeverything.  The doctor published a poem, entitled
" Eternity."  This poem became the subject of conversational remark, soon after publication, at a party where
the doctor was present, and a lady was asked her opinion
of it.  "It's a bonny poem," said she, "and it's weel
named' Eternity,' for it will ne'er be read in time."
OBTAIN KINOWLEDGE.
Knowledge will not be acquired without pains and
application.  It is troublesome and deep digging for
pure waters; but when once you come to the spring,
they rise up and meet you.
FAME.
Great minds had rather deserve contemporaneous applause, without obtaining it, than obtain, without deserving it; if it follow them, it is well, but they will not
deviate to follow it.  With inferior minds the reverse
is observable: so that they can command the lattery of
knaves while living, they care not for the execrations of




74              Book of Huzlzllr,
honest men when dead.  Milton neither aspired to present fame, nor even expected it; but (to use his own
words) his high ambition was "to leave something so
written to after ages, that they should not willingly let
it die."  And Cato finely observed, he would much
rather that posterity should inquire why no statues were
erected to him, than why they were.
PALMER'S CLARET.
Captain Gronow relates the following:-The patronage
of the Prince Regent was considered essential, and,
fiom  a kindly feeling for Palmer the wine merchant,
he gave a dinner at Carlton House, when a fair trial was
to be given to his claret. A select circle of gastrononme
was to be present, amongst whom was Lord Yarmouth,
well known in those days by the appellation of " Redherrings," from his rubicund whiskers, hair, and face,
and from  the town of Yarmouth deriving its principal
support from the importation from Holland of that fish;
Sir Benjamin Bloomfield, Sir William  Knighton, and
Sir Thomas Tyrwhitt, were also of the party.  The
wine was produced, and was found excellent, and the
spirits of the party ran high-the light wine animating
them without intoxication.  The prince was delighted,
and, as usual upon such occasions, told some of his best
stories, quoted Shakspere, and was particularly happy
upon the bouquet of the wine as suited " to the holy
Palmer's kiss."   Lord Yarmouth alone sat in moody




Wit and Wisdom.                 75
silence, and on being questioned as to the cause, replied
that whenever he dined at his royal highness's table, he
drank a claret which he much preferred-that which
was furnished by Carbonell.  The prince immediately
ordered a bottle of this wine; and to give them  an
opportunity of testing the difference, he desired that
some anchovy sandwiches should be served up.  Carbonell's wine was placed upon the table. It was a claret
made expressly for the London market, well dashed
with Hermitage, and infinitely more to the taste of the
Englishman than the delicately-flavoured wine they had
been drinking.  The banquet terminated in the prince
declaring his own wine superior to that of Palmer, and
suggesting that he should try some experiments on his
estate to obtain a better wine.  Palmer came from
Carlton House much mortified.  On Sir Thomas Tyrwhitt attempting to console him, and saying that it was
the anchovies that had spoiled the taste of the connoisseurs, one of the party said, loudly enough to be heard
by Lord Yarmouth, " No; it was the confounded redherrings."
AN IRISH HORSE.
A gentleman staying at an hotel in Dublin, had ordered
dinner at a certain hour, and, afraid of being too late,
he hired a cab, and desired the driver to put his horse
to his speed, so that he might reach the hotel in time.
The whip was applied, but the animal got restive, and
warped and twisted, endangering the shafts of the




76               Book of Humour,
vehicle.   "Can't ye get on?"  said the impatient
traveller;  " I'll be too late."      Well, sir," said Pat,
"I'm  doing all I can; but you see the brute knows
that your honour is a stranger in Dublin, and he wishes
you to stop and take a look at the public buildings."
A SCOTCH QUERY.
A bluff, consequential gentleman from the south, with
more beef on his bones than brain in his head, riding
along the Hamilton road, near to Blantyre, asked &
herd-boy on the road-side, in a tone and manner evidently meant to quiz, if he were " half-way to Hamilton?"  "Man," replied the boy, " I wad need to ken
whar ye hae come frae, afore I could answer your question."
MORAL INFLUENCE.
In the autobiography of the Rev. Alexander Carlyle is
a remarkable story:-Dow, it is said, was a Scotch
adventurer who had been bred at the school of Dunbar,
his father being in the Customs there, and had run away
firom his apprenticeship at Eyemouth, and found his
way to the East Indies, where, having a turn for
languages, which had been fostered by his education, he
soon became such a master of the native tongue as to
accelerate his preferment in the army, for he soon had
the command of a regiment of Sepoys.  I-e was a




Wit and Wisdom.                  77
sensible and knowing man, of very agreeable manners,
and of a mild and gentle disposition.  As he was
telling us that night, that, when he had the charge of
the Great Mogul, with two regiments under his command, at Delhi, he was tempted to dethrone the
monarch, and mount the throne in his stead, which he
said he could easily have done.  When I asked him
what prevented him from yielding to the temptation, he
gave me this memorable answer,-that it was reflecting
on what his old schoolfellows at Dunbar would think
of him for being guilty of such an action.
A NOVEL SLEEPING-BERTH.
The crowded deck of an American packet.-A  Californian to the skipper of ditto: " I should like to
have a sleeping-berth, neow, if you please."  Skipper:
"Why, where have you been sleeping these last two
nights since we left?"   Californian: " Wal, I have
been a-sleeping a-top of a sick man; but he's got
better neow, and won't stand it no longer."
EVIL AND GOOD INSEPARABLE.
As in agriculture, he that can produce the greatest crop
is not the best farmer, but he that can effect it with the
least expense; so in society, he is not the most valuable
member who can bring about the most good, but he that
can accomplish it with the least admixture of concomi




78             EBook of ZHumowur,
rant ill.  For let no man presume to think that he can
devise any plan of extensive good unalloyed and unadulterated with evil.  This is the prerogative of the Godhead alone.
A  DOOR-SCRAPER.
Foote, being once annoyed by a poor fiddler "straining
harsh discords " under his window, sent him a shilling,
with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one
scraper at the door was sufficient.
CHOICE OF COMPANIONS,
Be very circumspect in the choice of your company:
in the society of your equals, you may enjoy pleasure;
in the society of your superiors, you may find profit;
but to be the best in company, is to be in the way to
grow  worse; the best means to improve, is to be the
least there.  But, above all, be the companion of those
who fear the Lord, and keep his precepts.
CHOICE OF FRIENDS.
In all societies it is advisable to associate, if possible,
with the highest; not that the highest are always the
best, but, because if disgusted there, we can at any time
descend; but if we begin with the lowest, to ascend is
impossible.  In the grand theatre of human life, a box
ticket takes us through the house.




Wit and Wisdomz.                 79
MuSIC HATH CHARMS.
A  lover of music having bored a fiiend, who called on
him, with a number of sonatas and other pieces on the
fiddle, observed to his friend that they were all of them
extremely difficult. His friend, who had been wearied
with the performance, drily replied, " I wish they had
been impossible."
CANDOUR AND MANNERS.
Pitt was once canvassing for himself, when he came to
a blacksmith's shop.  "Sir," said he to the blacksmith, " will you favour me with your vote?"   " Mr.
Pitt," said the son of Vulcan, " I admire your head,
but hang your heart."   "Mr. Blacksmith," said Pitt,
6 I admire your candour, but hang your manners."
HYPOCRITES.
If hypocrites go to hell by the road to heaven, we may
carry on the metaphor, and add, that as all the virtues
demand their respective tolls, the hypocrite has a byeway to avoid them, and to get.into the main road
again.  And all would be well, if he could escape the
last turnpike in the journey of life, where all must
pay, where there is no bye-path, and where the toll is
death.




80              Book of Humour,
LORD NORBURY AS A JUDGE.
Lord Norbury was celebrated equally for his wit and
his severity as a criminal judge. At one time, as a
special commissioner appointed to try the culprits in
one of the Irish rebellions, he had in course of a sitting
convicted a great many.  "You are going on swimmingly here, my lord," said a counsel for the prisoners.
" Yes," answered his lordship significantly, "seven knots
an hour."
CURIOUS FACT.
George the Third was one day standing between Lord
Eldon and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Sutton.
After a moment's pause in the conversation, the king
said gravely, " I am now in a position which probably
no European king ever occupied before." Lord Eldon
begged his majesty to explain himself.  " I am standing," said the king, in the same grave tone, " between
the head of the church and the head of the law in my
kingdom-men who ought to be the patterns of
morality, but who have both been guilty of the greatest
immorality."   The two lords, reverend and learned,
looked shocked and astonished.  Lord Eldon respectfully begged to know  to what his majesty alluded.
" Well, my lords," exclaimed the king in a tone of
banter, " tell me, did you not both run away with your
wives?"




Wit anzd Wisdom.                81
A SLIGHT MISTAKE.
An ignorant fellow, desirous of " showing off" in a
company where the conversation was of a classical
character, speaking of Leander crossing the Hellespont,
for an interview  with Hero, designated the feat as
"Leander swimming across the herring-pond to see Nero."
THE LATIN GERUNDS.
Theodore Hook was one of a dinner-party where the
conversation turned on the Trojan war.  Then the
peculiarities of the Latin language were discussed.  A
slight lull in the conversation occurring, one of the
party, alluding to Hook's extemporising powers, challenged him to make on the spot a joke out of the Latin
gerunds.  Hook made a few humorous remarks, referring to JEneas and Dido, and then extemporised two
lines thus:
When Dido found,ZEneas did not come,
She wept in silence, and was Di-do-dumb.
A " CUTE" YANKEE.
A western editor was recently requested to send his
paper to a distant patron, provided he would take his
pay in "trade."  At the end of the year he found
that his new subscriber was a coffin-maker.
G




82              Book of Humour,
A FLOWERY SERMON.
A gentleman having attended a country chapel at which
a local preacher who was a baker officiated, was asked
by a friend if he did not think the sermon an eloquent
one.  "Yes," was the reply, "quite a flowery discourse."
ADVICE TO DISPUTANTS.
In  holding  an argument, be neither conceited nor
choleric; one distempers your understanding, the other
abuses your judgment.  Above all things, decline paradoxes and mysteries; you will acquire no honour either
in maintaining a rank falsehood, or meddling with
sacred truths.
THE SLEEPING BEAUTY,
Captain Gronow relates that, when Sir Lumley Skeffington, who had been a lion in his day-and whose
spectacle, the 4 Sleeping Beauty," produced at a great
expense on the stage, had made him  looked up to as
deserving all the blandishments of fashionable lifere-appeared some years after his complete downfall and
seclusion in the bench, he fancied that by a very gay
external appearance, he would recover his lost position;
but he found his old friends very shy of him. Alvanley
being asked on one occasion who that smart-looking in



Wit and Wisdom.                   83
dividual was, answered, " It is a second edition of the
Sleeping Beauty, bound in calf, richly gilt, and illustrated
by many cuts."
A  TAILOR'S MOTTO.
A  tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a
motto.  " There is one from  Hamlet," said the wit,
" that will match you to a button-hole: List, list!
oh list!"
A  KING OUTWITTED.
Soon  after Lord  Chesterfield  came into the privy
council, a place of great trust happened to become
vacant, to which his majesty (George II.) and the
Duke of Dorset recommended two different persons.
The king espoused the interest of his friend with some
heat, but not being able to carry his point, left the
councilbchamber in great displeasure.  As soon as he
retired, the matter was warmly debated, but at length
carried against the king.  However, in the humour
the king then was, a question arose as to who should
carry the grant of the office for the royal signature,
and the lot fell upon Chesterfield.  His lordship found
his sovereign in a very unfavourable mood; he therefore prudently forebore incensing him  by an abrupt
request, and instead of bluntly asking him to sign the
instrument, very submissively requested to know whose
name his majesty would have inserted to fill up the




84              Book of Humour,
blanks. The king answered in a passion, " The devil's,
if you will."   " Very well," replied the earl; "but
would your majesty have the instrument run in the
usual style-Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and
counsellor?"  The monarch laughed, and signed the
paper.
A THANKFUL MINISTER.
The hat was passed round in a certain American congregation for the purpose of taking up a collection.
After it had made the circuit of the church it was
handed to the minister, who had " exchanged pulpits"
with the regular preacher, and he found not a penny in
it. He inverted the hat over the pulpit cushion and
shook it, that its emptiness might be known, then looking toward the ceiling, he exclaimed with great fervour,
"I thank God that I got back my hat from this congregation  "
IRISH WIT.
All Irish girl at play on Sunday being accosted by the
priest, " Good morning, daughter of the Evil One,"
meekly replied, " Good morning, father."
EDUCATION.
Accustom a child as soon as it can speak to narrate his
little experiences, his chapter of accidents; his griefs,
his fears, his hopes; to communicate what he has




Wit and Wisdom.                  85
noticed  in the world  without, and what he feels
struggling in the world within.  Anxious to have
something to narrate, he will be induced to give attention to objects around him, and what is passing in the
sphere of his instruction, and to observe and note
events will become one of his first pleasures; and this
is the groundwork of a thoughtful character.
NOT IN HASTE.
A clergyman in the north of Scotland, very homely in
his address, chose for his text a passage in the Psalms,
" I said in my haste all men are liars."   "Ay,"
premised the minister by way of introduction, " ye said
it in your haste, David, did ye?-gin ye had been here,
ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man."
TRUTH.
He that finds truth, without loving her, is like a bat,
which, though it have eyes to discern that there is a
sun, yet hath such evil eyes, that it cannot delight in the
sun.
AN INTELLIGENT LORD MAYOR.
A  story is told of a Lord Mayor of London, who,
hearing that a person of his acquaintance had had the
small-pox twice, and died of it, inquired if he died the
first time or the second time.




86              Book of Hulmour,
A LADY'S CHOICE.
A young American lady being asked by an enthusiastic
politician which party she was most in favour of, replied that she preferred a wedding-party.
POWER AND MERCY.
We are most like God, when we are as willing to forgive
as powerful to punish; and admirable are the virtues of
him who, having cause and power to hurt, yet withholds
his hand.
ANECDOTE OF LORD BYRON.
Three Venetians, whom the late Lord Byron brought
with him into this country, were so dreadfully attacked
with ophthalmia, as almost entirely to lose their eyesight.
"What can we do with these poor fellows?" said his
lordship, when he heard of their misfortune.  " Why,"
said a friend of his lordship's, " suppose we set them up
as a Venetian blind."
A CuRIous LOAN.
"I say, Jack," shouted a Smithfield drover to his companion, "these sheep vont move a bit-lend us a bark
of your dog, vill you?




Wit and Wisdom.                   87
A SHREWD SUGGESTION.
A  gentleman, being  in company with  the Earl of
Chatham, was asked by his lordship for his definition
of wit.  " Wit," he replied, " my lord, is what a
pension would be, given by your lordship to  your
humble servant-a good thing well applied."
ANGER,
Of all passions, there is none so extravagant and outrageous as that of anger; other passions solicit and
mislead us, but this runs away with us by force, and
hurries us as well to our own as to another's ruin; it
falls many times upon the wrong person, and discharges
itself upon the innocent instead of the guilty, and makes
the most trivial offences to be capital, and punishes an
inconsiderate word perhaps with fetters, infamy, or death.
A SAILOR'S PRAYER.
When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the
first lieutenant of one of the ships, on going round to
see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the
men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun.  Such
an attitude in a British sailor exciting his surprise
and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was




88              Book of Hzimzour,
afraid.  "Afraid?" answered the sailor, " No  I was
only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed
in the same proportion as prize-money-the greatest
part among the officers."
AFRICAN ANTS.
These insects sometimes set forward in such multitudes
that the whole earth seems to be in motion. A corps
of them once was seen to attack and cover an elephant
quietly feeding in a pasture.  In eight hours nothing
was to be seen but the skeleton of that enormous animal
completely picked.  The business was done, and the
enemy marched on after fresh prey.  Such power have
the smallest creatures acting in concert.
THE IRISH ON AND OFF THE STAGE.
M. Esquiros, the celebrated writer in the " Revue des
Deux Mondes," says: —Colman was once in Dublin,
when his comedy " The Jealous Wife" was performed.
Some one asked him  how he liked the performance.
"Upon my honour," he answered, " I did not exactly
understand what the actors said, for they all spoke a
species of patois, with the exception of the one who
acted' Captain O'Cutter,' whose accent and pronunciation are most purely English."  It was difficult to
make a more bitter criticism of the company; for this
"Captain O'Cutter," who was the only Irishman in the




Wit and Wisdom.                 89
piece, ought, according to the theatrical tradition, to
have been distinguished from the rest by his bad jargon.
I will not say that Colman was entirely in the wrong,
or that Irishmen cannot recognize each other by their
accent; but it is a different thing to hear them conversing, and listening to them when performing on the
stage.
A  GAMBLER'S Loss.
Major Brereton, notorious for his constant devotion to
gaming, one day met Sheridan, whom he had not seen
for a long time.  " How are you, Major; how have
you been going on of late?" said the wit.  "I have
had a great misfortune; I have lost Mrs. Brereton."
" How  did you lose her," responded Sheridan, "at
hazard or quinze?"
IRISH WIT.
The following colloquy at cross purposes once took
place between an agent and an Irish voter on the eve
of an election:-~" You are a Roman Catholic?"  "Am
I?" said the fellow.  " Are you not?" demanded the
agent.  "You say I am," was the answer.  "Come
sir, answer-what's your religion?"  c"The true religion." -  What religion is that?"  " My religion."
"And what's your religion?"  "My mother's religion."
" And what was your mother's religion?"  " She tuk
whisky in her tay."  " Come, I'll have you now,




90               Book of Humour,
as cunning as you are," said the agent, piqued into an
encounter of wit with this fellow, whose baffling of
every question pleased the crowd.  " You bless yourself,
don't you?"  "When I'm  done with you I think I
ought."  "What place of worship do you go to?"
"c The most convanyant."  "But of what persuasion are
you?"  " My persuasion is that you won't find it out."'"What is your belief?"  "My belief is that you're
puzzled."   " Do you confess?"   " Not to you."
" Come, now I have you.  Who would you send for
if you were likely to die?"  "Dr. G.."  "Not
for the priest?"   "I must first get a messenger."
" Confound your quibbling!tell me, then, what your
opinions are-your conscientious opinions, I mean?"
" They are the same as my landlord's.  " And what
are your landlord's opinions!"  "Faix, his opinion is,
that I won't pay him the last year's rint; and I am of
the same opinion myself."  A roar of laughter followed
this answer; but the angry agent at last declared that
he must have a direct reply.  " I insist, sir, on your
answering at once; are you a Roman Catholic?"      I
am," said the fellow.  "And could you not say so at
once?"   "You never axed me," returned the other.
" I did," said the agent.  " Indeed, you didn't.  You
said I was a great many things, but you never axed me
-you were drivin' cras words and cruked questions
at me, and I gev answers to match them; for sure I
thowt it was manners to cut out my behavor on your
own patthern."




Wit and Wisdom,.               g9
PAUSE BEFORE YOU ARE ANGRY.
It is said of Julius Cesar, that, upon any provocation,
he would repeat the Roman alphabet before he suffered
himself to speak, that he might be more just and calm
in his resentments.  The delay of a few moments has
set many seeming affronts in a juster and kinder light;
it has often lessened, if not annihilated, the supposed
injury, and prevented violence and revenge.
A CAUTIOUS YANKEE.
A Yankee story is told of the meeting of a joint-stock
company at which the chairman proposed the customary
vote of thanks to Heaven for the successful operations
of the society during the past half-year.  The motion
was on the point of being carried by acclamation, when
a cautious shareholder rose to move as an amendment,
that the vote should be deferred until the amount of
the last year's dividend had been ascertained.
A NICE METHOD OF RAISING THE WIND.
A smart person named Fitch, advertised very extensively
in all the New York papers, that any person who would
enclose to him  a dollar, should receive in reply the
most positive information as to how he could avoid the
draft.  He received over six hundred letters in a week,




92              Book of Humour,
enclosing a dollar, and anxiously demanding the " guaranteed information."  To all he replied as follows:" Enlist without delay in the nearest volunteer regiment.
A. Fitch."  It was a square transaction all round, and
the police had to let Mr. Fitch slide.
THE DESIRE TO EXCEL.
This passion always chooses to move alone in a narrow
sphere, where nothing noble or important can be achieved,
rather than join with others in moving mighty engines,
by which much good might be effected.  Where did
ambition ever glow more intensely than in Caesar? whose
favourite saying, we are told, was, that he would rather
be the first man in a petty village than the second in
Rome.  Did not Alexander, another madman of the
same kind, reprove his tutor Aristotle for publishing to
the world those discoveries in philosophy he would have
reserved for himself alone?
THE LAST HOURS OF NAPOLEON.
On the 2d of May 182I it was evident that his end
was near; fever had set in, and his mind wandered.
At intervals he would fancy himself at the head of his
army, as of old, surrounded by his generals. His mind
becoming more calm, he called his friends around him,
and thus addressed them:-" I am about to die," said
he.  "You will return to Europe: you have a right




Wit and Wisdom.                 93
to my advice as to the conduct you ought to pursue.
You have shared my exile; you will be faithful to my
memory; you will do nothing which can injure it.  I
have sanctioned all the best principles: I have infused
them into my laws, into my acts: there is not a single
one which I have not consecrated.  Unfortunately the
circumstances were trying: I was obliged to use force,
to delay: reverses came; I could not unbend the bow,
and France was deprived of the liberal institutions which
I had planned for her.  She judges me with lenity;
she gives me credit for my intentions; she cherishes
my name-the recollection of my victories: imitate
her example; be faithful to the opinions which we
have defended-to the glory which we acquired: there
is nothing without that but shame and confusion."  He
lingered till the 5th, for the most part in a state of delirium.  His last thoughts were of his. army —"the
ruling passion strong in death."  The last words he
uttered were, "Tte d'armee;" after saying which,
his speech failed him, and at six o'clock in the evening
all was over.  The great Napoleon no longer existed.
THE LAST CHARGE AT WATERLOO.
Captain Gronow, in his " Reminiscences," referring to the
last charge on this memorable day, says, —Tt was about
five o'clock on that memorable day that we suddenly
received orders to retire behind an elevation in our rear.
The enemy's artillery had come up en masse within a




94               Book of Humour,
hundred yards of us.  By the time they began to discharge their guns, however, we were lying down behind
the rising ground, and protected by the ridge before
referred to.  The enemy's cavalry was in the rear of
their artillery, in order to be ready to protect it if
attacked; but no attempt was made on our part to
do so.  After they had pounded away at us for about
half an hour, they deployed, and up came the whole
mass of the imperial infantry of the Guard, led on by
the Emperor in person.  We had now before us probably about twenty thousand of the best soldiers in
France, the heroes of many memorable victories; we
saw the bearskin caps rising higher and higher as they
ascended the ridge of ground which separated us, and
advanced nearer and nearer to our lines.  It was at
this moment the Duke of Wellington gave his famous
order for our bayonet charge, as he rode along the line;
these are the precise words he made use of,-" Guards,
get up and charge!"   We were instantly on our legs,
and after so many hours of inaction and irritation at
maintaining a purely defensive attitude-all the time
suffering the loss of comrades and friends-the spirit
which animated officers and men may easily be imagined.
After firing a volley as soon as the enemy were within
shot, we rushed on with fixed bayonets, and that hearty
hurrah peculiar to British soldiers.  It appeared that
our men, deliberately and with calculation, singled out
their victims; for, as they came upon the Imperial
Guard, our line broke, and the fighting became irregular.




Wit and Wisdom.                  95
The impetuosity of our men seemed almost to paralyse
their enemies.  I witnessed several of the Imperial
Guard who were run through the body apparently
without any resistance on their parts.  I observed a
big Welshman of the name of Hughes, who was six
feet seven inches in height, run through with  his
bayonet, and knock down with the butt-end of his firelock, I should think at least a dozen of his opponents.
This terrible contest did not last more than ten minutes,
for the ImperiaI Guard was soon in full retreat, leaving
all their guns and many prisoners in our hands. The
famous General Cambronne was taken prisoner in fighting hand-to-hand with the gallant Sir Colin Halkett,
who was shortly after shot through the cheeks with a
grape-shot.  Cambronne's supposed answer of' "La
Garde ne se rend pas," was an invention of after times,
and he himself always denied having used such an expression.
BUNYAN'S SARCASM.
in Chambers's " Book of Days," we have this amusing
anecdote:-A Quaker called upon Bunyan in gaol one
day, with what he professed to be a message fiom the
Lord.  "After searching for thee," said he, "in half
the gaols of England, I am glad to have found thee at
last."  "If the Lord sent thee," said Bunyan, sarcastically, "you would not have needed to take so
much trouble to find me out, for He knows that I
have been in Bedford gaol these seven years past."




96               Book of Humour,
AVOID BAD COMPANY.
Look upon vicious company as so many engines planted
against you by the devil, and accordingly fly from them
as you would from the mouth of a cannon.  Make no
acquaintance with those whose conversation is irreverent,
and whose lives are immoral.  Remember the axiom,
"6 Evil communications corrupt good manners."
OUR PASSIONS.
While we labour to subdue our passions, we should
take care not to extinguish them.'Subduing our passions is disengaging  ourselves from  the world; to
which, however, whilst we reside in it, we must always
bear relation; and we may detach ourselves to such a
degree as to pass a useless and insipid life, which we
were not meant to do.  Our existence here is at least
one part of a system.
A CUNNING IRISHMAN.
An Irishman, in passing through the streets, picked up
a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen
shillings.  Next day he saw another guinea lying in
the street.  " No, no," says he, " I'll have nothing to
do with you, I lost three shillings by one like you
yesterday."




Wit and Wisdom.                  97
SLEEPING CARS ON AMERICAN RAILWAYS.
Each car can conveniently furnish beds to 48 persons,
and seat 56. From the floor to the top the dormitories
are about ten feet, and can accommodate four persons
conveniently.  For the extra privilege of sleeping, a
charge of 5oc. is made for the top apartment, for the
second, 75c., and for the lower apartment, i dol. 2 5c
The bed curtains are of the finest damask; and when
the seats which form the beds are turned down, they
form spring mattresses.  Every alternate compartment
is a state room, with latticed door, which is a great improvement in sleeping railroad cars.  The ventilating
apparatus is most complete, and through it the car will
always be cool and pleasant, even in the hottest weather.
Every convenience has been nicely fitted up for the
comfort of passengers. The woodwork is all of maple,
highly polished, and the glass is tastefilly stained.  The
cars also contain state-rooms, intended specially for the
seclusion and convenience of the ladies.
A SOLDIERLY ADDRESS.
Mr Kinglake, speaking of the late Lord Clyde, says:Before the action had begun, and whilst his men were
still in column, Campbell had spoken to his brigade a
few words-words simple, and for the most part workmanlike, yet touched with the fire of warlike sentiment,
H




98              Book of Humour,
"Now, men, you are going into action.  Remember
this: Whoever is wounded-I don't care what his
rank is-whoever is wounded must lie where he falls
till the bandsmen come to attend to him. No soldiers
must go carrying off wounded men.  If any soldier
does such a thing, his name shall be stuck up in his
parish church. Don't be in a hurry about firing. Your
officers will tell you when it is time to open fire. Be
steady.  Keep silence.  Fire low.  Now, men"those who know the old soldier can tell how his voice
would falter the while his features were kindling" now, men, the army will watch us; make me proud
of the Highland Brigade!"
A  SCHOOLBOY'S WIT.
A schoolboy, going out of the playground without leave,
one of his masters called after him, and inquired where
he was going.   "I am  going to buy a ha'porth of
nails."  " What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"
C For a halfpenny," replied the youngster.
COOKE AND KEMBLE.
These great actors, playing in the Gamester, went
through a scene of the third act in the second. " We're
wrong," said Cooke.  " Go on," said Kemble; and
they went through it.  When they came off, Cooke
exclaimed, " Do you know what we have done?  We




Wit and Wzisdoms.                 99
have played a scene of the third act."  "I know it,"
said John, very coldly.  "And what shall we do in
the third act?"   "Play the second."-" And so we
did," said Cooke, who tells the story; " but the best of
the joke was that the papers never found it out.
PITT'S TRAVELS.
Few men of note have travelled less than Mr. Pitt.
His foreign tours were limited to six weeks-one
autumn in France.  He was never in Scotland or in
Ireland.  I cannot (says Earl Stanhope) trace him to
any more northerly point than Lord VWestmoreland's
seat of Apthorp, in Northamptonshire; and, except or
circuit, he never went farther west than the King's
Lodge, Weymouth.
BONAPARTE AS A SCHOOLBOY.
The following is a copy of the certificate given to the
great Napoleon on leaving school.  It was handed to
him for presentation to the king of France by the inspector of the College of Brienne:
-M. de Bonaparte (Napoleon) born the 15th of
August 1769.  Height, four feet ten inches ten lines
[five feet six and a half inches English]; has finished
his fourth degree.
Of good constitution, excellent health, a character
docile, frank, and grateful, and strictly regular in con



I00             Book of Hziuzour,
duct; has always distinguished himself by his application to mathematics: he is tolerably conversant with
history and geography; rather deficient in polite accomplishments, as well as Latin; having only finished
his fourth course.  Would make an excellent marine.
Deserves to pass to the school at Paris.
AN EGYPTIAN CUSTOM.
The Egyptians, at their feasts, to prevent excess on the
part of the company, were accustomed to place a skeleton
in a conspicuous part of the banqueting-room, with this
inscription over it-" REMEMBER YOU MUST SOON BE
LIKE IT."  An epicure, on being told this, replied,
" Ah, that was if they did not eat."
UNIVERSAL LOVE.
Fenelon was accustomed to say, "I love my family
better than myself; my country better than my family;
and mankind better than my country; for I am more
a Frenchman than a Fenelon; and more a man than
a Frenchman."
A ROYAL PUN.
When a noble Admiral of the White, well known for
his gallant spirit, gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth,




Wit anzd Wisdom.               iOI
to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost
as white as the newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed,
" White at the main, Admiral! white at the main  "
IMPORTANCE OF KNOWLEDGE.
Alexander the Great had such extraordinary value and
esteem for knowledge and learning, that he used to say
he was more obliged to Aristotle, his instructor, for his
learning, than to Philip of Macedon, his father, for his
life; seeing the one was momentary, and the other permanent, and never to be blotted out by oblivion.
Louis THE TWELFTH.
The words of Louis XII. of France showed a great
and noble mind, when, being advised to punish those
who. had wronged him before he was king, replied, " It
is not becoming a king of France to avenge injuries done
to a duke of Orleans."
SINCERITY.
It was a saying of Seneca-So live with men, as if Goh
saw you; so speak to God, as if men heard you; regulate your actions by this golden rule-then shall you
acquit yourself nobly and conscientiously both to God
and men.




102             Book of Hzmour,
WILSON THE VOCALIST.
A paragraph in an Edinburgh paper announced that Mr.
Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, had met with a serious
accident by the upsetting of his carriage.  The same
authority shortly after announced that he had so far recovered as to be able to appear before the public the
following evening in three pieces.
VALUE OF CONTENTMENT.
A  contented mind is the greatest blessing a man can
enjoy il this world; and if, in the present life, his
happiness arises from conquering his desires, it will arise
in the next from the gratification of them.
SYDNEY SMITH.
Mr. Timbs, in his " Wits and Humourists," speaking
of Sydney Smith, says-He used to relate an odd contretemps that once happened to him when standing in
the pulpit upon a pile of hassocks.  His text was, "We
are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not
forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed."   He had
scarcely uttered these words, when the pile of hassocks
gave way, down he fell, and had nearly been precipitated
into the arms of his congregation, who, to their credit,
recovered their gravity sooner th-n could have been




Wit and Wisdom.                 103
expected.  In preaching a charity sermon, he frequently
repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen
were most distinguished for generosity and the love of
their species.  The collection happened to be inferior
to his expectations, and he said that he had evidently
made a great mistake, for that his expression should
have been that they were distinguished for the love of
their specie.  His quizzing the fashion of preaching is
very droll.  He was breakfasting at Mr. Rogers's, and
talking of the stories about dram-drinkers catching fire,
he pursued the idea in every possible shape.  The inconvenience of a man coming too near the candle, when
he was speaking, "Sir, your observation has caught fire."
He then imagined a person breaking into a blaze in the
pulpit, the engines called to put him out, no water to
be had, the man at the waterworks being an Unitarian
or an Atheist.  On calling, with Mr. Moore, to see
his (Moore's) portrait, Smith said, in the gravest
manner, to the painter, Newton, "Couldn't you contrive to throw  into his face somewhat of a stronger
expression of hostility to the Church establishment?"
The slowness of his country neighbours in the perception of humour most amused him.  He remembered
making a joke after a meeting of the clergy in Yorkshire, where there was a Rev. Mr. Buckle, who never
spoke; when Mr. Smith gave his health, saying he was
a Buckle without a tongue  Most persons within
hearing laughed; but Mr. Smith's next neighbour sat
unmoved, and sunk in thought.  At last, a quarter of




104            Book of Humour,
an hour after they had all done, he suddenly nudged
Mr. Smith, exclaiming, " I see what you meant; you
meant a joke."  " Yes, sir, I believe I did," was the
reply.  Then the squire began laughing so heartily that
it was feared he would choke.
LAUGH AND GROW FAT.
Democritus, who was always laughing, lived one hundred and nine years; Heraclitus, who never ceased
crying, only sixty.  Laughing, then, is best; and to
laugh at one another is perfectly justifiable, since we are
told that the gods themselves, though they made us as
they pleased, cannot help laughing at us.
SHAVING A MONKEY.
A  coxcomb once said to a barber's boy, " Did you
ever shave a monkey?"  "Why, no sir," replied the
boy, " never; but if you will please to sit down, I will
try."
PURSUIT OF GLORY.
The road to glory would cease to be arduous if it were
trite and trodden; and great minds must be ready not only
to take opportunities, but to make them. Alexander
dragged the Pythian priestess to the temple on a forbidden
day-She exclaimed, "My son, thou art invincible,"
which was oracle enough for him.  On a second occa



Wit and Wisdom.                 I05
sion he cut the Gordian knot, which others had in vain
attempted to untie.  Those who start for human glory,
like the mettled hounds of Actaeon, must pursue the
game, not only where there is a path, but where there
is none. They must be able to simulate and dissimulate,
to leap and to creep; to conquer the earth like Caesar,
or to fall down and kiss it like Brutus; to throw their
sword, like Brennus, into the trembling scale; or, like
Nelson, to snatch the laurels from the doubtful hand of
victory, while she is hesitating where to bestow them.
That policy that can strike only while the iron is hot,
will be overcome by that perseverance which, like
Cromwell's, can make the iron hot by striking; and he
that can only rule the storm, must yield to him who can
both raise and rule it.
WIT-ITS CHARACTERISTICS.
There is no quality of the mind, nor of the body, that
so instantaneously and irresistibly captivates, as wit.
The triumphs of wit should be compared to the inroads
of the Parthians, splendid, but transient-a victory succeeding by surprise, and indebted more to the sharpness
of the arrow than the strength of the arm, and to the
rapidity of an evolution, rather than to the solidity of a
phalanx. Wit, however, is one of the few things which
has been rewarded more often than it has been defined.
A certain bishop said to his chaplain: " What is wit?"
The chaplain replied, "The rectory of B           is




Io6             Book of Hzimoztr,
vacant; give it to me, and that will be wit."  "Prove
it," said his lordship, "and you shall have it.  "It
would be a good thing well applied," rejoined the chaplain. The dinner daily prepared for the royal chaplains
at St. James's was reprieved, for a time, from  suspension, by an effort of wit.  Iing Charles had appointed a day for dining with his chaplains; and it was
understood that this step was adopted as the least unpalatable mode of putting an end to the dinner. It was
Dr. South's turn to say the grace; and, whenever the
king honoured his chaplains with his presence, the prescribed formula ran thus: " God save the king and bless
the dinner."   Our witty divine took the liberty of
transposing the words, by saying, " God bless the king,
and save the dinner."  " And it shall be saved," said the
monarch.
NAPOLEON AND THE SOLDIER.
Some time after Napoleon had attained the rank of
captain, a soldier one day approached him and showed
him his coat, which was in rags, at the same time demanding another, in a dissatisfied tone.   "A  new
coat 1" exclaimed the young officer, who, although well
aware of the bad appointment of the whole republican
army, did not wish to encourage a mutinous disposition
among the soldiery-" You do not call to mind that
your honourable scars would no longer be visible."
This well-timed compliment completely satisfied the
poor soldier.




Wtit and Wisdom.               107
A COCKNEY PRINTER.
Mr. Wilson, the eminent Scotch vocalist, got back
from his cockney printer on one occasion a proof of his
programme for correction.  One of the songs was the
inimitable one of Burns, "Behind yon hills where Lugar
flows."  The printer, instead of quoting the title of the
song correctly, had it in the proof printed thus —" Behind yon hills where sugar grows."
PENALTY OF YOUTHFUL EXCESS.
The excesses of our youth, are drafts upon our old age,
payable, with interest, about thirty years after date.
ENDURANCE OF A GooD NAM.E.
Honours, monuments, and all the works of vanity and
ambition, are demolished and destroyed by the unsparing hand of time; but the reputation of wisdom is
venerable to posterity, and a truly good name lives
for ever.
KNOWLEDGE OF MEN AND THE WORLD.
We did not make the world, we may mend it, and
must live in it.  We shall find that it abounds with
fools, who are too dull to be employed, and knaves who




o18             Book of Humozl;
are too sharp.  But the compound character is most
common, and is that with which we shall have the most
to do.  As he that knows how  to put proper words
in proper places, evinces the truest knowledge of books,
so he that knows how to put fit persons in fit stations,
evinces the truest knowledge of men.  It was observed
of Elizabeth that she was weak herself, but chose wise
counsellors; to which it was replied, that to choose
wise counsellors was, in a prince, the highest wisdom.
THE CHARMS OF VIRTUE.
There is but one pursuit in life which it is in the power
of all to follow, and of all to attain.  It is subject to no
disappointments, since he that perseveres makes every
difficulty an advancement, and every contest a victory;
and this is the pursuit of virtue.  Sincerely to aspire
after virtue is to gain her, and zealously to labour after
her wages is to receive them.  Those that seek her
early, will find her before it is late; her reward also is
with her, and she will come quickly. For the breast of
a good man is a little heaven commencing on earth.
THIRST FOR POWER.
In the heat and frenzy of the French Revolution, the
contentions for place and power never sustained the
smallest diminution; appointments and offices were never
pursued with more eagerness and intrigue, than when




lVit and Wisdom.               I09
the heads of those who gained them, had they been
held on merely by pieces of sticking plaster, could not
have sat more loosely on their shoulders. Demagogues
spiung up like mushrooms, and the crop seemed to be
fecundated by blood; although it repeatedly happened
that the guillotine had finished the favourite before the
plasterer had finished the model, and that the original
was dead before the bust was dry.
ANECDOTE OF LORD ELDON.
Lord Chancellor Eldon, who was well known by the
nickname of "Old Bags," in one of his shooting excursions, unexpectedly came across a person who was
sporting over his land without leave.  His lordship
inquired if the stranger was aware he was trespassing,
or if he knew to whom the estate belonged?  "What's
that to you?' was the reply.  " I suppose you are one
of Old Bags' keepers."  "No," replied his lordship,
" I am Old Bags himself."
BONAPARTE AND HIS LANDLADY.
During part of the time he was quartered at Auxonne,
Bonaparte lodged at the house of a barber, to whose
wife he did not pay the customary degree of attention.
When he afterwards passed through Auxonne, on his
way to Marengo, he called at the shop to ask if she
recollected such a person.  " Yes,"  was the answer,




I o1             Book of Hulmour,' and a very disagreeable inmate he was; he was
always either shut up in his room, or if he passed
through the shop to walk out, he never stopped to
speak to any one."'Ah!" said Napoleon, "if I
had employed my time then as you would have wished
me, I should not now be going to fight a great battle."
On his return he stopped again, calling out, "Nous
revoila" in bad French, and with great good-humour,
as if to efface all former impressions; and the ungallant
lieutenant was forgotten in the victorious general.
AN UNGALLANT REPLY.
A  lady of an irascible temper asked George Selwyn
why woman was made out of the rib of man.  "Indeed, I can't say," was his reply, "except it be that
the rib is the most crooked part of the body."
NELSON ON THE NAVY.
Earl Stanhope in his life of Pitt, thus writes of Nelson:
Nelson at Merton was for one or two weeks at rest, or
rather he only seemed to be so, for his soul was burning
within him; he longed to be at that French fleet which
he had either watched or chased without cessation during the last two years.  He felt that those ships were,
or ought to be, his own, as the reward of his past toils,
that no man but himself should strike the decisive blow
against them.  Unable any longer to resist the noble




Wit and Wisdom.                 II I
impulse, he wrote to Lord Barham, as the head of the
Admiralty, offering to undertake the command of the
great fleet designed to be sent out to meet, and if possible, engage the enemy off Cadiz. The offer so honourably made, was most gladly accepted.  At the interview  which ensued, Lord  Barham  desired him  to
choose his own officers. How many an admiral might
here have thought of his cousins or hangers-on!  But
the answer of Lord Nelson was thought in a higher
strain.  "Choose yourself, my lord," he said.  "The
same spirit actuates the whole profession. You cannot
choose wrong I"
A YANKEE APOLOGY.
An American newspaper contains the following retractation, which would probably be not quite satisfactory
to the offended party:-" Amende honourable.-We
yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chestnut
Street Theatre, as a'thing.'  Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here
state  that Mr. Hamilton, of the  Chestnut Street
Theatre, is no-thing.
SHARP ENOUGH ALREADY.
A  solicitor who had a remarkably long and pointed
nose, once told a lady, that if she did not immediately
settle a matter which he had in hand against her, he




1 12             Book of Humour,
would file a bill against her. " Indeed, sir," said the
lady, "you need notfle your bill, for I am  sure it is
sharp enough already."
POWER-ITS VALUE.
Power, like the diamond, dazzles the beholder, and also
the wearer; it dignifies meanness; it magnifies littleness;
to what is contemptible, it gives authority; to what is
low, exaltation.  To acquire it, appears not more difficult than to be dispossessed of it, when acquired, since
it enables the holder to shift his own errors on dependants, and to take their merits to himself.  But the
miracle of losing it vanishes, when we reflect that we
are as liable to fall as to rise, by the treachery of others;
and that to say " I am," is language that has been appropriated exclusively to God!
VIRTUE.
Virtue, without talent, is a coat of mail without a
sword; it may, indeed, defend the wearer, but will not
enable him to protect his friend.
POETS AND THEIR WORKS.
All poets pretend to write for immortality, but the whole
tribe have no objection to present pay and present praise.
But Lord Burleigh is the  only statesman who has




W/it and WVisdom.              I13
thouglt one hundred pounds too much for a song,
though sung by Spencer: although Oliver Goldsmith
is the only poet who ever considered himself to have
been overpaid. The reward, in this arena, is not to the
swift, nor the prize to the strong. Editors have gained
more pounds by publishing Milton's works, than he ever
gained pence by writing them; and Garrick has reaped
a richer harvest in a single night, by acting in one play
of Shakspere's, than the poet himself obtained by the
genius which inspired the whole of them.
VICIOUS HABITS.
They are so great a stain to human nature, and so odious
in themselves, that every person actuated by proper
feelings would avoid them, though he was sure they
would be always concealed both from  God and man,
and that no future punishment awaited those who indulged in them.
DURATION OF LIFE.
Buffon, the naturalist, makes the following calculations
on the durability of life:From the best calculations,
only one out of 321o reach the age of i oo.  Of
Iooo infants nursed by the mother, about 300 die; of
the same number nursed out, 500 die.  More people
live to a great age in elevated situations than in lower
ones.  Of the children born alive, one-fourth die before




I 14            Book of HuImczG';
eleven months, one-third before the twenty-third month,
half before their eighth year, two-thirds of mankind die
before their thirty-ninth year, three-fourths before their
fifty-first year, and of about 12,000 only one survives
a whole century.
AVOID DEFAMATION.
Never speak ill of any man; if you malign a wise and
good man, it is impious; and it is better to give a bad
man your prayers than to revile him.
A YANKEE COUNSEL.
An American newspaper has the following defence,
made to an action by a Yankee barrister:  "There
are three points in the case, may it please your honour,"
said the counsel.  " In the first place, we contend that
the kettle in dispute was cracked when we borrowed it;
secondly, that it was whole when we returned it; and
thirdly, that we never had it."
NAPOLEON AT ARCOLA.
The passage of the bridge of Arcola may be esteemed
the height of boldness.  Thousands of men and musketry served to defend the approach to this particular
spot, which was completely fenced by cannon in every
direction; thrice had General Bonaparte commanded




Wit and WisdomZ.                 i i
the charge in person, and thrice had his followers, disdaining to retreat, fallen sacrifices to their temerity;
the death -dealing bullets continued their destructive
career, levelling all those who dared to encounter their
vengeful flight. Napoleon, at length growing indignant,
gave utterance to an exclamation of fury, and instantly
tearing one of the standards from the grasp of an ensign,
sprang upon this bridge, the scene of carnage  and
slaughter, when, planting the flag in defiance of destiny
itself, which seemed to cppose him, he addressed his
soldiers:-   Frenchmen! Grenadiers! will you, then,
abandon your colours?"  This appeal seemed to convey
a reproach ill-adapted to the spirit of such courageous
men; wherefore, before the general was enabled to
repeat them, all thought of danger had vanished, death
was faced in every direction, the bridge of Arcola was
forced, and victory once more crowned the republican
standard.
AVARICE AND AMBITION.
These vices are the two elements that enter into the
composition of most of the crimes that are committed.
Ambition is boundless, and avarice insatiable.
IMEETING A DIFFICULTY.
A  gentleman called one day on a broker to get a bill
discounted.  The  broker looked  at the acceptance,
and started some difficulties.  " It has, you'll observe,"




116.B ook of Hutmolur
said he, " a great many days to run."   " That's very
true," replied the applicant, "but I beg you to note
that they are the shortest days in the year."
WHERE A CHEESE SHOULD BE CUT.
A  gentleman dining with a friend, a large Cheshire
cheese, uncut, was brought to the table. " Where shall
I cut it?" said the guest.  " Anywhere you please,"
replied the host; upon which the guest handed it to
the servant, bidding him carry it to his house, and he
would cut it there.
YANKEE SUBLIMITY.
A  New York paper says: —As winged lightnings dart
firom the heavens when the Eternal has unbarred their
bolts, so does a fat nagger run like the deuce when a big
dog is after him.
BONAPARTE AND HIS MAMELUKE.
While he was in Egypt, Napoleon had a Mameluke
attendant upon him, who was particularly attached to
him, seldom leaving his side. One evening, Napoleon,
after the fatigues of a scorching day, retired to his tent,
and,was for some time employed in writing; sleep at
length overcame him, and, while sleeping, the plume
which he wore in his hat nodded over the light which




W7it and WVisdom.                  I7
was on the table, and was instantly in a blaze; the
faithful Mameluke, who stood sentinel at the entrance,
rushed in to extinguish the fire; the Emperor, suddenly
awakened by the noise, and unable in the confusion to
distinguish between friend and foe, snatched his pistol
fiom  the table, and his attendant received the fatal
contents; he fell, and Napoleon never forgot nor forgave
the rashness which cost the life of one so true.
SELWYN AND HIS HORSE.
"How  does your new  horse answer?" said the late
Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn.  " I regret
to say that I cannot inform you," replied George, "for
I never asked himi  a question."
A  BRAVE WOMAN.
Madame Verdier, a very beautiful and accomplished
Italian lady, wife of the gallant general who particularly
distinguished himself during Napoleon's campaign in
Egypt, was so enthusiastically fond of her husband, that
she shared with him the fatigues of that hazardous expedition, clothed in male attire.  On one occasion,
this heroic female happening to find a veteran grenadier,
who had become blind from the effects of the climate
and the sand of the desert, straying far fiom  his comrades, and in all probability doomed to death on the
trackless plain, galloped up to the unfortunate soldier at




I 18             Book of Humour,
the risk of being captured by the enemy, when, directing
him to keep fast hold of the tail of her horse, she in
this manner walked the animal, and rescued the brave
fellow from  his impending danger.  This lady being
in company with Bonaparte and the other officers at the
foot of one of the pyramids, where no provisions were
at hand, some rats were procured and broiled, of which,
however, one of the general's aides-de-camp was too
squeamish to eat.  Napoleon indignantly upbraided the
officer, and turned to Madame Verdier, saying, " Here
sir, is a lady that will put you to the blush."  He at
the same time presented her with a portion of the food;
whereof she cheerfully partook to the satisfaction of all
present except the aide-de-camp, who was long after
subjected to the taunts of his brother offcers.
AVARICE.
It starves its keeper to surfeit those who wish him dead;
and makes him  submit to more mortifications to lose
heaven, than the martyr undergoes to gain it.  Avarice
is a passion full of paradox, a madness full of method;
for, although the miser is the most mercenary of all
beings, yet he serves the worst master more faithfully
than some Christians do the best, and will take nothing
for it.  He falls down and worships the god of this
world, but will have neither its pomps, its vanities, nor
its pleasures, for his trouble.  He begins to accumulate
treasure as a means to happiness, and, by a common but




Wit and TVisdom.                I  9
morbid association, he continues to accumulate it as an
end.  He lives poor to die rich, and is the mere jailer
of his house, and the turnkey of his wealth.  Impoverished by his gold, he slaves harder to imprison it in his
chest, than his brother slave to liberate it from the mine.
The avarice of the miser may be termed the grand sepulchre of all his other passions, as they successively
decay.  But, unlike other tombs, it is enlarged by repletion, and strengthened by age.
A  DAMP JOKE.
A  gentleman having fallen into the river Exe, in Devonshire, relating it to a friend, said, "You will suppose I was pretty wet?"   " Yes," was the reply, "wet,
certainly, in the Exe-stream."
A  MINISTER'S APOLOGY.
Rowland Hill was greatly annoyed when there happened to be any noise in his chapel, to divert the attention of his hearers from what he was saying.  On one
occasion he was preaching to one of the most crowded
congregations that ever assembled to hear him.  In the
middle of his discourse he was disturbed by a great
commotion in one of the galleries; and looking in that
direction, he exclaimed,  "What's the matter there:
The devil seems to have got among you!"   A plain
country-looking man immediately started to his feet,




120             Book of Humour,
and addressing Mr. Hill in reply, said, "No, sir, it
arn't the devil as is doing on it; it's a lady wots
fainted; and she's a fat un, sir, as don't seem  likely to
come to again in a hurry."   " Oh, that's it, is it? "
observed Mr. Hill, drawing his hand across his face;
" then I beg the lady's pardon, and   -  the devil's
too."'
ANECDOTE OF SHERIDAN.
When Sheridan was in distress, in early life, one of his
recourses was that of writing for the fugitive publications
of the day; in which he was materially assisted by his
wife, and many years after his entrance into the sphere
of politics, he was heard to say that, " if he had stuck
to law, he believed he should have done as much as his
friend Tom  Erskine; but," continued he, " I had no
time for such studies.  Mrs. Sheridan and myself were
often obliged to keep writing for our daily leg or shoulder
of mutton; otherwise we should have had no dinner."
One of his fiiends, with whom he conversed thus, wittily
replied, " Then I perceive it was a joint concern."
BLESSING OF A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.
A  good conscience is more to be desired than all the
riches of the East.  How sweet are the slumbers of
him who can lie down on his pillow and review the
transactions of every day, without condemning himself!
A  good conscience is the finest opiate.




Wit and Wisdom.                 121
MACKLIN'S LAST APPEARANCE.
The veteran Macklin was announced for " Shylock "
when he was at least ninety-three; some accounts said
several years older.  Reasonable fears were entertained
that he would be unable to get through-his memory
and faculties had failed twice before-and Ryder was
told to be in readiness, in case he should be required.
When Macklin had costumed himself for " Shylock,"
with his usual accuracy, he went into the green-room,
and coming up to Mrs. Pope, said, " My dear, are you
to act to-night?"   "Surely I am, sir; don't you see
I am  dressed for Portia?"  "Ah! very true; I had
forgotten;  but who  is to play  Shylock "   The
imbecile tone of voice, and the inanity of look with
which this last question was asked, caused a melancholy
sensation in all who heard it.  At last, Mrs. Pope,
rousing herself, said, " Why you, to be sure; are you
not dressed for the part?"  He then seemed to resume
recollection, and putting his hand to his forehead, exclaimed mournfully, " Heaven help me!-my memory,
I am  afraid, has gone entirely."   He, however, after
this, went upon the stage when summoned, and spoke
two or three speeches in a manner that evidently proved
he was unconscious of what he was repeating.  After
a while he.recovered a little, and seemed to make an
effort to rouse himself, but in vain-Nature could assist
him no further; and after pausing for a few moments,




122            Book of Humour,
as if considering what to do, he then came forward and
informed the audience that he now found he was unable
to proceed in the part, and hoped they would accept
Mr. Ryder as his substitute, who was already prepared
to finish it.  The audience received his apology with a
mixed applause of indulgence and pity, and the weak,
worn-out old man tottered from  the stage for ever.
Ryder then went on for " Shylock," and was well received.  Macklin lived until the IIth of July I797.
By his own computation he was only ninety-eight, but
strong and highly probable authorities give him ten
years more. His widow had a benefit at Covent Garden
in I805.  Macklin was undoubtedly a great actor in a
limited line, principally in comedy, with the exception
of s" Shylock," in which he stood alone.  Cooke, his
great successor, admitted that in this part he built himself on Macklin, and Edmund Kean allowed that he
drew his conception from Cooke.
HEALTH AND LONG LIFE.
Whether long life be a blessing or not God alone can
determine, who alone knows what length it is like to
run, and how it is like to be attended.  Socrates used
to say, that it was pleasant to grow  old with good
health and a good friend; and he might have reason
a man may be content to live while he is no trouble to
himself or fiiends; but after that, it is hard if he be not
content to die.  In life, as in wine he that will drink




HWit alid VWisdom.               123
it good, must not draw it to the dregs.  Where this
happens, one comfort of age may be, that whereas
younger men are usually in pain whenever they are not
in pleasure, old men find a sort of pleasure whenever
they are out of pain; and as young men often lose or
impair their present enjoyments by craving after what is
to come, by vain hopes or fruitless fears, so old men
relieve the wants of their age by pleasing reflections
upon what is past.  Therefore, men in the health and
vigour of their age, should endeavour to fill their lives
with reading, with travel, with the best conversation,
and the worthiest actions, either in public or private
stations; that they may have something agreeable left
to feed on when they are old, by pleasing remem.
brances.
THE ELEMENTS OF SUCCESS.
It was a saying of Aristotle, that to become an able
man in any profession whatever, three things are necessary-nature, study, and practice.
ORIGIN OF': THE DEVIL's OWN."
George III. (says Earl Stanhope in his Life of Pitt)
was in high  health  and  excellent spirits.   When
the "Temple Companies" had defiled before him, his
majesty inquired of Erskine, who commanded them as
lieutenant-colonel, what was the  composition of that
corps.   " They are all.lawyers, sire," said Erskine.




124              Book of Humour,
" What, what!" exclaimed the kirg, "all lawyers?
all lawyers?  Call them'The Devil's Own'-~call
them'The Devil's Own."' And "The Devil's Own"
they were called accordingly.  Even at the present day
this appellation has not wholly died away. Yet, notwithstanding the royal parentage of this pleasantly, I
must own that I greatly prefer to it another which was
devised in  i860.  It was then in contemplation to
inscribe upon the banner of one of the legal companies,
" Retained for the Defence."
NOBLE-MINDEDNESS.
He that is truly noble-minded has the same concern for
his own fortune that every wise man should have, and
the same regard for his friend that every good man
really has: his graceful manner of conferring an obligation carries as many charms as the obligation itself:
his favours are not extorted from  him by importunity,
but flow fiom a l:beral hand and a generous heart.
AMBITION.
It is to the mind what the cap is to the falcon; it blinds
us first, and then compels us to tower, by reason of our
blindness.  But, alas, when we are at the summit of
our vain ambition, we are also at the depth of real
misery.  We are placed where time cannot improve,
but must impair us; where chance and change cannot




Wit a7d Wlisdom..                125
befriend, but may betray us; in short, by attaining all we
wish, and gaining all we want, we have only reached a
pinnacle, where we have nothing to hope, but everything
to fear.
How TO GET A FEVER.
The old divine, Jeremy Taylor, used to observe, that
when any one tempted him to drink to excess, he was
civilly invited to a fever.
ANECDOTE OF KING CHARLES II.
King Charles II. possessed the reputation of being
skilled in naval architecture.  Being once at Chatham,
to view  a ship which had just been completed, he
asked the famous Killigrew "if he did not think he
should make an excellent shipwright?'    Killigrew
replied that "he always thought his Majesty would
have done better at any trade than his own!"
THE BIBLE AND THE SWORD.
We should justly ridicule a general, who, just before an
action, should suddenly disarm  his men, and, putting
into the hands of all of them a Bible, should order them,
thus equipped, to march against the enemy.  Here we
plainly see the folly of calling in the Bible to support
the sword; but, is it not as great a folly to call in the




126             Book of Humour,
sword to support the Bible? Our Saviour divided force
from reason, and let no man presume to join what God
hath put asunder.  When we combat error with any
other weapon than argument, we err more than those
whom we attack.
INCONSISTENCY OF MAN.
Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for
it; die for it; anything but-live for it.
How TO USE A FRIEND.
Make use of a friend with great caution and discretion:
trust him  not before you know him thoroughly; for
many that pretend to be friends, use flattery as a mask
to hide their hearts fiom their neighbours.
PLAIN SPEAKING.
When called upon by Louis XIII. to give his opinion
in some great emergency, the Duke of Sully observed
the favourites of the new king whispering to one another,
and sneering at his somewhat rough exterior.  "Whenever your Majesty's father," said the old statesman,
"did me the honour to consult me, he ordered the
buffoons of the court to leave the audience chamber."
This pointed reproof silenced the satellites, who at once
retired in confusion.




Wit and Wisdom.                127
AN INDEPENDENT SAILOR.
One day as a noble naval commander, who is a strict
disciplinarian, was walking through the streets of Portsmouth, he encountered a drunken sailor whom  he
accosted thus: —" What ship do you belong to?"
Jack answered carelessly, "Don't know."  "Do you
know who I am?"   "No."   "Wthy, I am commander-in-chief."  "Then," replied Jack, "you have
a capital berth of it, that's all I know."
THE DUTY OF MAN.
Nature bids me love myself, and hate every one that
injures me; reason bids me love my friends, and hate
my enemies; religion bids me love all, and hate none,
and overcome evil with good.
NAPOLEON'S PRESENCE OF MIND.
While Napoleon was visiting a battery, an artilleryman
was shot at the gun which he was serving.  As soon
as he was made acquainted with the fact, he ran to the
spot, seized the rammer which belonged to the dead
man, and, in order to give encouragement to his soldiers,
charged the gun repeatedly with his own hands.  In
consequence of using this implement, he caught a cutaneous complaint which, being injudiciously treated and




128             Book of Humour,
thrown inward, was of great prejudice to his health,
until after his Italian campaigns, when he was completely cured by his celebrated physician, Corvoisart.
Afterwards, for the first time, he showed that tendency
to "embonpoint," which marked the latter part of his
eventful life.
CURIOUS WEATHER.
A  traveller at a Pennsylvanian hotel got out of his bed
one night to see what sort of weather it was, but instead of looking out upon the sky, thrust his head
through the glass window of a cupboard. " Landlord,"
shouted the guest, "what sort of weather do you call
this, the night is as dark as Egypt, and smells of cheese."
INDUSTRY ENNOBLES.
It is a most noble and commendable design of children
of mean descent, by their industry to become men of
virtue and position, thus rendering themselves equal in
the estimation of the wise and good to those whose
ancestors' names are recorded in the roll of antiquity.
INVENTION OF THE GUILLOTINE.
The man whose name has acquired  so painful a
celebrity, by being assimilated to his invention, was
M. Guillotin, a learned physician, who had invented,
two years before, the instrument of death which he




Wit and LWisdom.               I29
deemed best calculated to abridge the sufferings of the
culprits condemned to forfeit their lives by the sentence
of the laws.  The invention was laid hold of for the
purpose of "expediting" a greater number of victims.
Such was the expression used by a member of the
convention.
M. Guillotin was inconsolable for what he considered as an involuntary blemish in his existence.
His venerable countenance bore the impress of a settled
gloom, and his hair, of a snowy whiteness, afforded a
clear indication of his mental sufferings.   He had
aimed at relieving the sorrows of human nature, and he
unintentionally contributed to the destruction of a
greater number of human beings.  Had they been put
to death in a less expeditious manner, the people might
have soon grown weary of those executions, which they
showed the same eagerness to behold, as they would
have done a theatrical representation.
A CANDID JUDGE.
Judge T, who was not particularly famous for his
brilliancy, on one of his country circuits, had to try a
man for stealing some copper.  In his charge he had
frequent occasion to mention the" copper," which he
uniformly called " lead," adding " I beg your pardon,
gentlemen, copper; but I can't get the lead out of my
head!"   At this somewhat candid admission the
whole court was convulsed with laughter,
K




I30             Book of Humour,
ANECDOTES OF THE EMPEROR NAPOLEON,
Mr. Lumley, in his' Reminiscences of the Opera,"
says-" With the future Emperor of France, when an
exile in England, I had been well acquainted.  He
had  been a constant subscriber to  her Majesty's
Theatre, was a frequent guest at my house, and had
4assisted' at the afternoon fetes given by me at my
residence, The Chancellors at Fulham, where he had
-entered heart and soul into the amusements of the hour.
Frequenters of these'champetres' entertainments may
remember one occasion when Prince Louis Napoleon
figured in the same quadrille with Taglioni, Cerito,
and  Carlotta  Grisi; having  the  director of her
Majesty's Theatre as his vis a vis.  The prince ano
I frequently dined in company at Gore House, the
residence of the late Countess of Blessington, where all
that was distinguished in literature and art was constantly assembled; and it may be worth recording, in
connection with the prince's known firm reliance on
his destiny, that at one of these dinners, when Count
D'Orsay was expatiating on the evidences that had
come before him  of the popularity of the prince in
France (although, at that time, the law forbidding any
member of the Bonaparte family to enter the country
was still in force), the future emperor sat silent, with a
significant smile upon his face, the meaning of which
none could fail to interpret.  On another occasion,




Wit and Wisdom.                 131
when I was alluding to the part played by General
Cavaignac in June 1848, in firing upon the people
after the emeute had been quelled, the prince drily, but
in an earnest manner, remarked,  That man is clearing
the way for me."'
LOVE AND JEALOUSY.
Love may exist without jealousy, although this is rare;
but jealousy may exist without love, and this is common; for jealousy can feed on that which is bitter, no
less than on that which is sweet, and is sustained by
pride, as often as by affection.
LE PETIT CAPORAL.
Las Cases, the biographer of Napoleon Bonaparte, thus
describes the origin of the title Le Petit Caporal:A singular custom was established in the army of Italy,
in consequence of the youth of the commander, or
from  some other cause.  After each battle, the oldest
soldiers used to hold a council, and confer a new rank
on their young general, who, when he made his appearance in the camp, was received by the veterans, and
saluted with his new title. They made him a corporal
at Lodi, and a serjeant at Castiglione; and hence the
surname of "Petit Caporal," which was for a long
time applied to Napoleon by the soldiers.   How
subtle is the chain which unites the most trivial circum



132             Book of Humour,
stances to the most important events!  Perhaps this
very nickname contributed to his miraculous success on
his return in I8 1 5.  While he was haranguing the
first battalion, which he found it necessary to address,
a voice from the ranks exclaimed, " Vive notre petit
Caporal! we will never fight against him!"
A POLITE SOLDIER.
An officer in battle happening to stoop his head, a
cannon-ball passed completely over it, and took off the
head of a soldier who stood behind him.  " You see,"
said he, " that a man never loses by politeness."
A PHILOSOPHER'S REPROOF.
Zeno, the philosopher, having remonstrated with certain
of his pupils for their extravagance, they excused themselies by saying that they were rich enough to indulge
in prodigality.  "Would you," said he, "excuse a
cook that should over-salt his meat because he had a
superabundance of salt."
How TO BEAR THE ILLS OF LIFE.
There are three modes of bearing the ills of life: by
indifference, which is the most common; by philosophy,
which is the most ostentatious; and by religion, which
is the most effectual. It has been acutely said, that




Wit and Wisdom.                I33,c philosophy readily triumphs over past or future evils,
but that present evils triumph over philosophy." Philosophy is a goddess, whose head indeed is in heaven,
but whose feet are upon earth; she attempts more than
she accomplishes, and promises more than she performs;
she can teach us to hear of the calamities of others
with magnanimity; but it is religion only that can
teach us to bear our own with resignation.
BONAPARTE'S MARRIAGE WITH JOSEPHINE.
Bonaparte was but twenty-six years of age when he
married the widow of Viscount de Beauharnois. This
event took place on the gth of March I796.  It was
a union in which, with the exception of a few light
clouds, there was much affection.  Bonaparte never,
until the period of the divorce, gave cause of real sorrow to his wife. In addition to her beauty, Madame
de Beauharnois possessed many excellent qualities; to
few  indeed, did she ever give cause of complaint.
Benevolence was in her a natural impulse, and she was
kind and attached  to those with whom  she was
acquainted. At this period, Napoleon had never commanded an army, witnessed a regular battle, nor even
assisted at one; but he possessed youth, knowledge,
ardour, science, judgment, and activity; added to these
qualities, he had a high opinion of his own talents, a
confidence, in which experience afterwards proved him
not mistaken.




I34              Book of Humour,
The dowry of the bride was the chief command
of the army of Italy, a scene which opened a full
career to the ambition of the youthful general.  Bonaparte remained with his wife only three days after his
marriage; he then hastened to see his family, who were
at Marseilles, and  proceeded  rapidly to  begin that
career to which fate called him.
MEDICAL AND LEGAL QUACKS.
Pettifoggers in law, and empyrics in medicine, whether
their patients lose or save their property, or their lives,
take care to be, in either case, equally remunerated;
they profit by both horns of the dilemma, and press
defeat, no less than success, into their service.  They'hold, from time immemorial, the fee-simple of a vast
estate, subject to no alienation, diminution, revolution,
nor tax; the folly and ignorance of mankind.  Over
this extensive domain, they have long had, by undisputed usage, the sole management and control, inasmuch as the real owners most strenuously and sturdily
disclaim all right, title, and proprietorship therein.
HEROISM IN HUMBLE LIFE.
In the obscurity of retirement, amid the squalid poverty
and revolting privations of a cottage, scenes of magnanimity and self-denial are often seen, as much beyond
the belief as the practice of the great; an heroism




Wit and Wisdom.                 135
borrowing no support, either from  the gaze of the
many, or the admiration of the few, yet flourishing
amidst ruins, and on the confines of the grave; a
spectacle as stupendous in the moral world, as the falls
of the Missouri in the natural; and, like that mighty
cataract, doomed to display its grandeur, only where
there are no eyes to appreciate its magnificence.
INCIDENT IN THE LIFE OF A SOLDIER.
A  Scotch Highlander was taken prisoner by a tribe of
Indians; his life was about to be sacrificed, when the
chief adopted him as his son.  They carried him into
the interior; he learnt their language, assumed their
habits, and became skilful in the use of their arms.
After a season, the same tribe began their route to join
the French army, at that time opposed to the English.
It was necessary to pass near to the English lines
during the night. Very early in the morning, and it was
spring, the old chief roused the young Highlander from
his repose; he took him to an eminence, and pointed
out to him the tents of his countrymen. The old man
appeared to be dreadfully agitated, and there was a
keen restlessness in his eye.  After a pause, " I lost,"
said he, "my only son in the battle with your nation;
are you the only son of your father? and do you think
that your father is yet alive?"   The young man
replied, "I am the only son of my father, and I hope
that my father is yet alive."  They stood close to a




136             Book of Humour,
beautiful magnolio in full blossom. The prospect was
grand and enchanting, and all its charms were crowned
by the sun, which had fully emerged from the horizon.
The old chief, looking steadfastly at his companion,
exclaimed, " Let thy heart rejoice at the beauty of the
scene! to me it is as the desert; but you are free;
return to your countrymen, revisit your father, that he
may again rejoice, when he sees the sun rise in the
morning, and the trees blossom in the spring!"
BONAPARTE AS A LITTERATEUR.
At the age of seventeen he gained the prize offered by
the Academy of Lyons on the following subject:"What are the principles and institutions by application
of which mankind can be raised to the highest pitch of
happiness?"   Many years afterwards, Talleyrand got
the essay out of the records of the Academy, and returned it to the author.  After reading a few pages of
it, Bonaparte committed it to the flames.  Thus his
first literary production is lost to the world.
EXPERIENCE AND HOPE.
Hope is a prodigal young heir, and experience is his
banker; but his drafts are seldom honoured, since there
is often a heavy balance against him, because he draws
largely on a small capital, is not yet in possession, and
if he were, would die.




Wit and Wisdom.                137
SCARCITY OF GOOD AND GREAT MEN.
As in literature we shall find many things that are true,
and some things that are new, but very few things that
are both true and new; so also in life, we shall find
many men that are great, and some men that are good,
but very few men that are both great and good.
PROSPERITY AND ADVERSITY.
The virtue of prosperity is temperance; the virtue of
adversity is fortitude, which in mortals is the more
heroical virtue. Prosperity is the blessing of the Old
Testament-adversity is the blessing of the New,
which carrieth the greater benediction, and the clearer
revelation of God's favour.
ADVICE TO ORATORS.
In answering an opponent, arrange your ideas, but not
your words; consider in what points things that resemble differ, and in what those things that differ
resemble; reply to wit with gravity, and to gravity
with wit; make a full concession to your adversary,
and give him  every credit for those arguments you
know you can answer, and slur over all those which
you feel you cannot; but above all, if he has the
privilege of making his reply, take especial care that




138             Book of Humour,
the strongest thing you have to urge is the last.  He
must immediately get up and say something, and if he
be not previously prepared with an answer to your last
argument, he will infallibly be boggled, for very few
possess that remarkable talent of Charles Fox, who
could talk on one thing, and at the same time think of
another.
WHO BEGAN IT?
A dog was accidently present during Divine service in
a Scotch kirk, where the worthy minister was in the
habit of speaking very loud in the sermon, and in fact,
when he got warmed with his subject, of shouting
almost to the top of his voice.  The dog, who in the
early part had been very quiet, became quite excited, as is
not uncommon with some dogs when hearing a noise;
and from whining and whining, as the speaker's voice
rose loud and strong, at last began to bark and howl.
The minister, naturally much annoyed at the interruption, called upon the betherel to put out the dog; and
he at once expressed his readiness to obey the order,
but could not resist the temptation to look up to the
pulpit, and to say very significantly. " Aye, aye, sir;
but indeed it was yoursel' began it."
TOLERATION OF THE PRIESTHOOD.
That country where the clergy have the most influence,
and use it with the most moderation, is England.




Wit and Wisdom.                 139
THE BISHOP'S LUGGAGE.
An amusing blunder occurred one day at the Norwich
Railway Station.  The Bishop of   ~, and Mr. and
Mrs. Howard Paul were passengers fiom London; and
as his Grace was on a country visit to Cromer, he was
supplied with an unusually large quantity of luggage;
and as Mr. and Mrs. Howard Paul were to give representations of their entertainment at the theatre, their
boxes were necessarily numerous.  At the station, by
a blunder of the servants in attendance, the luggage
(being in the same van) got hopelessly mixed, and a
portion of Mr. Howard Paul's was sent to the lodgings
of his Grace, while a large portion of the Bishop's
found its way to the theatre.  The exchange was soon
rectified, however; but it must have ruffled the serene
temper of even a bishop, to have seen a great box
carted up to his door, with the words " Blue Beard"
on it in large staring letters.
THE OTHER SIDE.
One story, says an American  paper, is good until
another is told, and the advice to " hear both sides "
is old but always good.  The annoyance caused by
ladies in street cars has been so frequently dwelt on,
that it has come to be accepted as a matter of course,
that the wearers of crinoline are sinners above all




140             Book of Humour,
among the occupants ot street cars.  But read the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion
of street car society, and see if the account is not about
balanced.  What "female nuisance" can surpass, for
instance, the man who crosses his legs, or puts his foot
upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to wipe itself on
good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away
because he is not smoking, and consequently stenches
the whole conveyance; the man who sits sideways
when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in a
crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his
feet so high as to wipe the knees of every passer-by;
the man who enters with a paint-pot; the ever talkative man who insists on'drawing you into conversation,
and boring you with his ideas political; the man who
is deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man,
who frightens all children in arms; the over-dressed
man, who is afraid of being " messed;" the rowdy man,
who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies
too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his
sharp bones; the pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your pocket; the
friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a
writ; the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the vanity-man, who displays all the
money he has while searching for a five-cent postal;
the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off; the
unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket




Wit alnd Wisdom.               141
placed on the front platform; the man who treads on
your newly-blacked boots; the man who asks for a
chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription
man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum;
and the man who asks you the time of day when you
are minus a watch?
A  SCOTTISH DOMESTIC.
Dean Ramsay, speaking of an eccentric old Scottish
domestic servant, says, " One day he sent up a roast
goose for dinner which he or some one had despoiled
of a leg before it came to table; on which his master
summoned him from  the kitchen to inquire who had
taken the leg off the goose.  John replied that all the
geese here had but ae leg.  In corroboration of his
assertion, he pointed to a whole flock before the window, who were, happily, sitting asleep on one leg, with
a sentinel on the watch.  The laird clapped his hands
and cried whew, on which they got up on both legs,
and flew off.  But John, no way discomfited, told his
master if he had cried whew to the one on the table, it
would most likely have done the same!  It is not to
be believed that John had ever read Boccaccio, or
that he ever heard of the Venetian cook, Chichibio,
who played the same trick with the crane's leg; but it
is possible that two artists in the same vocation, even with
four centuries rolling between them, may have originated
similarideas-therefore we may safely give this old servitor




142            Book of Hunmoor,
credit for his invention.  He died in Dundee, where
his master paid the last tribute of respect to his memory,
and laid his head in the grave beside the family he had
served so faithfully.
A TEXT FOR MONARCHS.
There is one passage in the Scriptures to which all the
potentates of Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to have studied so
thoroughly as to have it quite at their fingers' ends:
"There went out a decree in the days of Claudius
Caesar, that all the world should be taxed."
AN INNOCENT REPLY.
A lady, meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"
" Please, ma'am, I don't live anywhere now," replied
the girl, " I'm married."
IMPORTANCE OF PERFECTION.
That writer who aspires to immortality, should imitate
the sculptor, if he would make the labours of the pen
as durable as those of the chisel.  Like the sculptor,
he should arrive at ultimate perfection, not by what he
adds, but by what he takes away; otherwise all his
energy may be hidden in the superabundant mass of his




WTit and Wisdom.                I43
matter, as the finished form  of an Apollo, in the
unworked solidity of the block.  A  friend called on
Michael Angelo, who was finishing a statue; some
time afterwards he called again; the sculptor was still
at his work; his friend, looking at the figure, exclaimed,
" You have been idle since I saw you last."  "By no
means," replied the sculptor, "I have retouched this
part, and polished that; I have softened this feature,
and brought out this muscle; -I have given more expression to this lip, and more energy to this limb."
6" WXell, well," said his friend, "but all these are trifles."
" It may be so," replied Angelo, " but recollect that
trifles make perfection, and that perfection is no trifle."
ARE You ANSWERED?
A  pompous fellow made a very inadequate offer for a
valuable property; and calling the next day for an
answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained
his proposition.  "No," replied the other; "your proposition entertained me."
PITT AND THE VOLUNTEERS.
The following anecdote is recorded in Lord Stanhope's
Life of Pitt:-A pleasantry of Pitt has been preserved
by tradition.  It seems that one battalion of volunteers
which he was forming, or in the formation of which he
was consulted, did not show the same readiness as dis



144             Book of Humour,
tinguished the rest. Their draft rules, which they sent
to Pitt, were full of cautions and reserves. The words
" except in the case of actual invasion," were constantly
occurring.  At length came a clause that at no time,
and on no account whatever, were they to be sent out
of the country. Pitt here lost patience, and, taking up
his pen, he wrote opposite to that clause in the draft
the same words as he had read in the preceding, " except in the case of actual invasion."
THE LAW AND THE SWORD.
In all governments, there must of necessity be both the
law and the sword; laws without arms would give us
not liberty, but licentiousness; and arms without laws
would produce not subjection, but slavery. The law,
therefore, should be unto the sword what the handle is
to the hatchet; it should direct the stroke, and temper
the force.
THE SHREWDNESS OF IMBECILES.
It is recorded in Dean Ramsay's amusing "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character," that a wellknown  idiot, named Jamie Fraser, belonging to the
parish of Lunan, in Forfarshire, quite surprised people
sometimes by his replies.  The congregation of his
parish church had for some time distressed the minister
by their habit of sleeping in church.  He had often




Wit and W'Visdom.               145
endeavoured to impress them with a sense of the impropriety of such conduct, and one day when Jamie
was sitting in the front gallery wide awake, when many
were slumbering round him, the clergyman endeavoured
to awaken the attention of his hearers by stating the
fact, saying, "You see even Jamie Fraser, the idiot,
does not fall asleep as so many of you are doing."
Janie not liking, perhaps, to be thus designated, coolly
replied, " An' I hadna been an idiot I wad ha' been
sleeping too."  Another of these imbeciles, belonging
to Peebles, had been sitting at church for some time
listening attentively to a strong representation fiom the
pulpit of the guilt of deceit and falsehood in Christian
characters. He was observed to turn red, and grow very
uneasy, until at last, as if wincing under the supposed
attack upon himself personally, he roared out, "Indeed,
minister, there's mair lears in Peebles than me."
DISSIMULATION.
If dissimulation is ever to be pardoned, it is that which
men have recourse to, in order to obtain situations
which may enlarge their sphere of general usefulness,
and afford the power of benefiting their country, to those
who must have been otherwise contented only with the
will.  Liberty was more effectually befriended by the
dissimulation of one Brutus, than by the dagger of the
other.  But such precedents are to be adopted but
rarely, and more rarely to be advised.  For a CromL




146             Book of Hzumozur,
well is a much more common character than a Brutus;
and many men who have gained power by an hypocrisy
as gross as that of Pope Sixtus, have not used it half
so well.  This pope, when cardinal, counterfeited sickness and all the infirmities of age so well as to dupe
the whole conclave.  His name was Montalto; and
on a division for the vacant apostolic chair, he was
elected as a stop-gap by both parties, under the idea
that he could not possibly live out the year.  The
moment he was chosen, he threw away his crutches,
and began to sing "Te Deum" with a much stronger
voice than his electors had bargained for; and instead
of walking with a tottering step, and a gait almost
bending to the earth, he began to walk, not only firm,
but perfectly upright.  On some one remarking to him
on this sudden change, he observed,'"While I was looking for the keys of St. Peter, it was necessary to stoop;
but, having found them, the case is altered."  It is but
justice to add, that he made a most excellent use of his
authority and power; and although some may have
attained the papal chair by less objectionable means,
none have filled it with more credit to themselves, and
satisfaction to others.
PRIESTLY PRIDE.
Tile most ridiculous of all animals is a proud priest;
he cannot use his own tools without cutting his own
fingers.




Wit angd Wisdom.                147
BONAPARTE'S MOTHER.
She was one of the most beautiful women ot the day,
and was celebrated throughout Corsica.  Paoli, in the
time of his power, having received an embassy from
Algiers or Tunis, wished to give the savage envoys
some notion of the attractions of the island, and for this
purpose he assembled together all the most beautiful
women in Corsica, among whom  Madame Bonaparte
took the lead.  Subsequently, when she travelled to
Brienne to see her son, her personal charms were remarked even in Paris.
During  the war for Corsican  liberty, Madame
Bonaparte shared the dangers of her husband, who was
an enthusiast in the cause.  In his different expeditions
she frequently followed him on horseback. She was a
woman of extraordinary vigour of mind, joined to considerable pride and loftiness of spirit.  She was the
mother of thirteen children, and she was a widow at
the age of thirty.  Of these thirteen children, only five
boys and three girls lived, all of whom played distinguished parts in the reign of Napoleon.
WOMAN'S PLEASURE AND DUTY.
Pleasure is to woman what the sun is to the flower: if
moderately enjoyed, it beautifies, it refreshes, and it
improves; if immuderately, it withers, etiolates, and




148'Book of Humour,
destroys.  But the duties of domestic life, exercised
as they must be in retirement, and calling forth all
the sensibilities of the female, are perhaps as necessary
to the full development of her charms, as the shade
and the shower are to the rose, confirming its beauty,
and increasing its fragrance.
BEAUTY OF CHARITY.
Did universal charity prevail, earth would be a heaven,
and hell a fable.'   WOMAN'S WIT.
It has been said, that to excel them  in wit, is a thing
the men find is the most difficult to pardon in the
women.  This feeling, if it produce only emulation, is
right; if envy, it is wrong.  For a high degree of intellectual refinement in the female, is the surest pledge
society can have for the improvement of the male.
But wit in women is a jewel, which, unlike all others,
borrows lustre from its setting, rather than bestows it;
since nothing is so easy as to fancy a very beautiful
woman  extremely witty.   Even  Madame de Stael
admits that she discovered, that as she grew old, the
men could not find out that wit in her at fifty, which
she possessed at twenty-five; and yet the external
attractions of this lady were by no means equal to
those of her mind.




Wit and Wisdom.                 I49
HAPPINESS AND FREEDOM IN ENGLAND.
England, with a criminal code the most bloody, and a
civil code the most expensive in Europe, can, notwithstanding, boast of more happiness and fieedom than any
other country under Heaven.   The reason is, that
despotism, and all its minor ramifications of discretionary
power, lodged in the hands of individuals, is utterly
unknown.  The laws are supreme.
REPARTEE.
It is perfect, when it effects its purpose with a double
edge.  Repartee is the highest order of wit, as it bespeaks the coolest yet quickest exercise of genius, at a
moment when the passions are roused.  Voltaire, on
hearing the name of Haller mentioned to him by an
English traveller at Ferney, burst forth into a violent
panegyric upon him; his visitor told him  that such
praise was most disinterested, for that Haller by no
means spoke so highly of him.  "Well, well, n'importe," replied Voltaire, "perhaps we are both mistaken."
AN INGENIOUS RETORT.
A  man who knows the world, will not only make the
most of every thing he does know, but of many things
he does not know, and will gain more credit by his




I50            Book of Humour,adroit mode of hiding his ignorance, than the pedant
by his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition.  In
Scotland, the "jus et norma loquendi" has made it the
fashion to pronounce the law term  curator curator.
Lord Mansfield gravely corrected a certain Scotch
barrister when in court, reprehending what appeared to
English usage a false quantity, by repeating —" Curator,
sir, if you please."  The barrister immediately replied,
" I am happy to be corrected by so great an orator as
your Lordship."
THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS.
A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a
contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly,
and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention
of the whole company, "How  it happened that the
patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?"  To which
question the clergyman replied, "Perhaps they took no
physic."
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON'S RECOLLECTIONS OF PITTo
I did not think (said the Duke in conversation, as recorded in Lord Stanhope's Life of Pitt) that he would
have died so soon.  He died in January I806; and I
met him at Lord Camden's, in Kent, and I think that
he did not seem ill, in the November previous.  He




Wit and Wisdom.                 15 
was extremely lively, and in good spirits.  It is true
that he was by way of being an invalid at that time.
A great deal was always said about his taking his rides
-for he used then to ride eighteen or twenty miles
every day-and great pains were taken to send forward
his luncheon, bottled porter, I think, and getting him a
beef-steak or mutton-chop ready at some place fixed
beforehand.  That place was always mentioned to the
party, so that those kept at home in the morning might
join the ride there if they pleased.  On coming home
from these rides, they used to put on dry clothes, and
to hold a Cabinet, for all the party were members of
the Cabinet, except me, and, I think, the Duke of
Montrose.  At dinner, Mr. Pitt drank little wine 
but it was at that time the fashion to sup, and he then
took a great deal of port wine and water.  In the same
month I also met Mr. Pitt at the Lord Mayor's dinner.
He did not seem ill.  On that occasion I remember he
returned thanks in one of the best and neatest speeches I
ever heard in my life.  It was in very few  words.
The Lord Mayor had proposed his health as one who
had been the saviour of England, and would be the
saviour of the rest of Europe.  Mr. Pitt then got up,
disclaimed the compliment as applied to himself, and
added, 6 England has saved herself by her exertions,
and the rest of Europe will be saved by her example."
That was all: he was scarcely up two minutes, yet
nothing could be more perfect., I remember another
curious thing at that dinner.  Erskine was there.  Now




152            Book of Humour,
Mr. Pitt had always over Erskine a great ascendencythe ascendency of terror.  Sometimes, in the House of
Commons, he could keep Erskine in check by merely
putting out his hand or making a note.  At this dinner,
Erskine's health having been drunk, and Erskine, rising
to return thanks, Pitt held up his finger, and said to him
across the table, "Erskine, remember that they are
drinking your health as a distinguished colonel of volunteers."   Erskine, who had intended, as we heard, to
go off upon rights of juries, the State trials, and other
political points, was quite put out; he was awed like a
schoolboy at school, and in his speech kept strictly
within the limits enjoined him.
A LITERARY DINNER.
In Lumley's "Reminiscences of the Opera," he says,
-While speaking of the press, a literary dinner occurs
to my memory which, among a certain party, was long
afterwards talked about as the " Banquet of the Wits"
The dinner took place at my villa; the guests, some
ten or twelve, comprised several choice spirits of the
day, and more than ordinary brilliancy was expected
from the circumstance that Messrs. W. M. Thackeray
and G. A. a'Beckett (now, alas! both deceased) were
among their number. Expectation was grievously disappointed. Never was the "feast of reason " more insipid;
never did the " flow of soul" more approach stagnation.
The smaller wits thought all the sparkling was to be




Wit and Wisdom. -                53
done by the more distinguished luminaries, and these,
with distressing magnanimity, refused to outshine their
less noted brethren.  Thus a perfect equilibrium  of
dulness was preserved.
ARS CELARE ARTEM.
To excel others is a proof of talent; but to know
when to conceal that superiority, is a greater proof of
prudence.   The  celebrated  orator Domitius Afer,
when attacked in a set speech by Caligula, made no
reply, affecting to be entirely overcome by the resistless
eloquence of the tyrant.  Had he replied, he would
certainly have conquered, and as certainly have died;
but he wisely preferred a defeat that saved his life to a
victory that would have cost it.
NAPOLEON'S ANCESTORS.
On the paternal side he was descended fiom one of the
most illustrious families of Florence.  Civil dissension
occasioned many of the noble families to emigrate from
time to time, among whom was the ancestor of that
branch of the Bonaparte family from which Napoleon
was descended.
When the island of Corsica became subject to
France, Carolo Bonaparte, the father of Napoleon,
whose profession was the law, was chosen to represent
the nobility of the country.  He afterwards received




154             Book of zHuozlr,
the  appointment of "procureur du roi,"  or king's
attorney-general, at Ajaccio.  Napoleon was educated
at the "Ecole Royal Militaire" at Paris, an institution founded by Louis XV. for the education of the
sons of noble families, with small fortunes, for the
military service; and his eldest sister was educated at
the academy of St. Cyr, which was a foundation for the
education of young ladies of noble family.
On. the maternal side the descent of Bonaparte is
still more distinguished.  The family of Ramolini, to
which his mother, Madame Bonaparte, belonged, is
one of the  most ancient in the republic of Genoa,
and allied not only to all the principal families of that
republic, but to the families of most of the great potentates of Europe.
SiR, DAVID BAIRD'S MOTHER.
Dean Ramsay, in his " Reminiscences of Scottish Life
and Character," relates, that when Mrs. Baird received
the news from  India of the gallant but unfortunate
action of'84 against the Hyder Ali, in which her son,
then Captain Baird, was engaged, it was stated that he
and other officers had been taken prisoner and chained
together two and two.  The friends were careful in
breaking such sad intelligence to the mother of Captain
Baird.  When, however, she was made fully to understand the position of her son and his gallant companions,
disdaining all weak and useless expressions of her own




Wit and Wisdom.                   55
grief, and knowing well the restless and athletic habits
of her son, all she said was, "Lord pity the chiel that's
chained to our Davy."
VANITY OF LIFE.
How small a portion of our life it is that we really
enjoy.   In youth  we are looking forward to things
that are to come; in old age, we are looking backwards to things that are gone past; in manhood,
although we appear indeed to be more occupied in
things that are present, yet even that is too often
absorbed in vague determinations to be vastly happy on
some future day, when we have time.
SELF-COMMAND.
He who commands himself, commands the world too;
and the more authority you have over others, the more
command you will have over yourself.
AN IDIOT'S SHREWDNESS.
Dean Ramsay,in his "Reminiscences," relates the following anecdote.  A  clergyman in the north of Scotland,
on coming into church one Sunday, found the pulpit
occupied by the parish idiot. The authorities had been
unable to remove him without more violence than was
seemly, and therefore waited, for the minister to dis



1i56            Book of Hzumour,
possess Tam  of the place he had assumed.  "Come
down, sir, immediately," was the peremptory and indignant call; and on Tam  being unmoved, it was
repeated with still greater energy. Tam, however, very
confidentially replied, looking down from his elevation,
" Na, na, minister! just ye come up wi' me. This is
a perverse generation, and faith they need us baith."
A WITTY BISHOP.
A gentleman once interceded with a certain bishop for
a minister who was much in debt, and who had, on
more than one occasion, been imprisoned at the instance
of his creditors.  The gentleman urged the abilities of
his friend, which, notwithstanding his delinquencies,
were of no small order.  " He is, in fact, my lord,"
said he, " really and truly a St. Paul."   "Yes," replied the bishop sarcastically, " In prisons oft."
CONSCIENTIOUS ADVOCATES.
A faithful advocate can never sit without clients. Nor
do I believe that any man could lose by it in the end
that would not undertake a cause he knew not honest.
A  goldsmith may gain an estate as well as he that
trades in every coarser metal.  An advocate is a limb
of friendship; and further than the altar he is not bound
to go.  And it is observed of as famous a lawyer as
was then in the world (the Roman Cicero) that he was




Wit and Wisdoz.                 I57
slain by one he had defended, when accused of the
murder of his father.  Certainly he that defends an
injury is next to him that commits it.  And this is
recorded, not only as an example of ingratitude, but as
a punishment for patronizing an ill cause.
IMPORTANCE OF COSTUME.
It is not every man that can afford to wear a shabby
coat; and worldly wisdom dictates to her disciples the
propriety of dressing somewhat beyond their means, but
of living somewhat within them; for every one sees how
we dress, but none can see how we live, except we
choose to let them.  But the truly great are, by universal suffrage, exempted from these trammels, and may
live or dress as they please.
SHAKSPERE THE GREATEST POET.
All the poets are indebted more or less to those who
have gone before them; even Homer's originality has
been questioned, and Virgil owes almost as much to
Theocritus, in  his Pastorals, as to Homer, in his
Heroics; and if our own countryman, Milton, has
soared above both Homer and Virgil, it is because he
has stolen some feathers from their wings.  But Shakspere stands alone.  His want of erudition was a most
happy and productive ignorance; it forced him back
upon his own resources, which were exhaustless; if his




i58             Book of Hu? zour,
literary qualifications made it impossible for him to
borrow fiom the ancients, he was more than repaid by
the powers of his invention, which made borrowing
unnecessary.  In all the ebbings and the flowings of
his genius, in his storms no less than in his calms, he is
as completely separated fiom  all other poets as the
Caspian from  all other seas.  But he abounds with
so many axioms applicable to all the circumstances,
situations, and varieties of life, that they are no longer
the property of the poet, but of the world; all apply,
but none dare appropriate them; and, like anchors, they
are secure from thieves by reason of their weight.
MILTON AND HIS WIFE.
Milton, when blind, married a shrewish wife.  A
friend, desirous of complimenting the poet on his choice,
termed his spouse a rose.  " I can't judge of colours,"
said Milton, "and it may be as you say, for 1 feel the
thorns daily."
A  MATTER-OF-FACT PREACHER.
Dean Ramsay, in his " Reminiscences," records the following anecdote of a minister in the north of Scotland:
— A. minister in the north returning thanks in his
prayers one Sabbath for the excellent harvest, began, as
usual, " O Lord, we thank thee," etc., and went on to
mention its abundance, and its safe ingathering; but




Wit and Wisdom.                 159
feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously
truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this
and Stonehaven, not worth mentioning."
PAPAL AND IMPERIAL ROME.
Imperial Rome governed the bodies of men, but did not
extend her empire farther. Papal Rome improved upon
imperial: she made the tiara stronger than the diadem,
pontiffs more powerful than prsetors, and the crozier
more victorious than the sword.  She devised a system
so complete in all its parts for the subjugation both ot
body and of mind, that, like Archimedes, she asked but
one thing, and that thing Luther denied her-a fulcrum
of ignorance on which to rest that lever by which she
could have balanced the world.
FOLLY OF SCEPTICISM.
As the man of pleasure, by a vain attempt to be more
happy than any man can be, is often more miserable
than most men are, so the sceptic, in a vain attempt to
be wise beyond what is permitted to man, plunges into
a darkness more deplorable, and a blindness more
incurable than that of the common herd, whom  he
despises, and would fain instruct.  For the more precious the gift, the more pernicious ever will be the
abuse of it, as the most powerful medicines are the most
dangerous, if misapplied, and no error is so remedi



60             Book of HuZnmour,
less as that which arises, not from the exclusion of
wisdom, but from  its perversion.  The sceptic, when
he plunges into the depths of infidelity, like the miser
who leaps from the shipwreck, will find that the treasures which he bears about him  will only sink him
deeper in the abyss.
/ CONTENTMENT INSURES HAPPINESS.
Agar said, "c Give me neither poverty nor riches," and
this will ever be the prayer of the wise.  Our incomes
should be like our shoes: if too small, they will gall
and  pinch  us; but, if too large, they  will cause
us to stumble and to trip.  But wealth, after all, is a
relative thing, since he that has little, and wants less, is
richer than he that has much, but wants more.  True
contentment depends not upon what we have, but upon
what we would have-a tub was large enough for
Diogenes, but a world was too little for Alexander.
A CLERGYMAN AND HIS PROMPTER.
A  clergyman reading the burial-service over an Irish
corpse, forgot the sex of the deceased.  Coming to that
part of the ceremony which reads thus, " Our dear
brother or sister," the rev. gentleman whispered to one
of the followers of the funeral for information, " Is it
a brother or sister?"  " Faith," was the reply, " it's
neither the one nor the other-it's only a relation."




Wit and Wisdom.                  161
INFATUATION OF THE GAMBLER.
The gamester, if he die a martyr to his profession, is
doubly ruined.  He adds his soul to every other loss,
and by the act of suicide, renounces earth to forfeit
heaven.
A SHARP REMARK ON'CHANGE.
Two Liverpool merchants conversing about business
matters one day on'Change, one of them remarked on
the badness of the times, and the difficulty of meeting
acceptances which were coming due; at the same time
observing a group of sparrows on a neighbouring housetop, he exclaimed to his companion, "How happy these
birds must be, they have no acceptances to provide for. "
"Why," replied his friend, " I don't see how you can
properly say that; they have their bills to provide for
the same as we have."
VALUE OF LITERATURE.
The manuscript of " Robinson  Crusoe" was offered
to nearly all the publishers before one could be found
bold enough to print it.  It was at last disposed of, and
the purchaser realised a thousand pounds by it.  " Rejected Addresses," the celebrated work of Horace and
James Smith, was handed in a like manner completely
round the trade ere a publisher could be procured.  At
M




I62            Book of Humour,
length  it was given to the public, and immediately
obtained a popularity which still endures.  A large sum
of money was cleared by it.  " Buchan's Domestic
Medicine," and " Burns' Justice," were both sold for a
small sum; " The Vicar of Wakefield," the charming
production of Oliver Goldsmith, was sold for a few
pounds; and Miss Burney's "Evelina" produced only
five guineas.  Dr. Johnson named as the price of his
" Lives of the Poets " two hundred guineas, and it is
said that the booksellers cleared upwards of twenty-five
thousand pounds by it.  Tonson rode in his carriage,
with the profits of the " Paradise Lost" of Milton.
BEAR NO MALICE.
He that lets the sun go down upon his wrath, and
goes angry to bed, is like to have the devil for his bedfellow.
QUICK SHAVING-COLONEL ELLISON.
Captain Gronow, in his Memoirs, says: —About twelve
o'clock, on the second day after the battle of Waterloo,
when on our march to Paris, we were ordered to come
to a halt.  Every officer and soldier immediately set to
work to get rid of the superabundance of beard which
had been suffered to grow for several days.  During
this not very agreeable duty, a shout was heard from
Lord Saltoun, who called us to witness a bet he had




Wit and Wisdom.                163
made with Bob Ellison, that he, Ellison, could not
shave off his beard in one minute.  Preparations were
made; Ellison taking care to bathe his face for a considerable time in water.  He then commenced operations, and in less then a minute, and without the aid of
a looking-glass, actually won his bet (a considerable one),
to the astonishment, and, I must add, the satisfaction of
his comrades.  This feat appeared to us all perfectly impossible to accomplish, as his face was covered with the
stubble of a week's growth of hair, so dark, that it had
procured for him in the regiment the sobriquet of Black
Bob.  Ellison was one of our best officers.  After
joining the brigade at Cadiz, he was present in every
action in the Peninsula, and was with the light companies at Hougomont.  He greatly distinguished himself there; and on one occasion, when he was forced to
retreat from the orchard to the chateau, he would have
been bayoneted by the French, had not the men, with
whom he was a great favourite, charged back, and saved
his life. Ellison led the storming party at Peronne, and
commanded the second battalion of his, regiment in
Canada.  He was colonel of his old battalion in 1843;
when at a brigade field-day in Hyde Park, on the occasion of a general salute, as he gave the word, " Present
arms," he dropped down dead fiom his horse, while the
old corps, in which he had passed nearly forty years,
were presenting arms to him.  All who knew him will
bear witness with me to his many amiable and excellent
qualities. In his younger days he was remarkably good



164            Book of Humtnozr,
looking, and he had still preserved his handsome face
and kindly, expressive eye.  Though quick and clever,
no one ever heard him say a malevolent or ill-natured
thing.  If there was a good turn to be done, or a
friendly word to be spoken, Black Bob was first and
foremost; and in looking back on the old fiiends and
comrades of bygone days, I feel there is not one I could
name who was more deservedly popular or more generally regretted than Colonel Ellison.
PRODIGALITY AND AN EvIL CONSCIENCE.'Tis as disagreeable to a prodigal to keep an account of
his expenses, as it is for a sinner to examine his conscience; the deeper they search, the worse they find
themselves.
EVIL OF DRUNKENNESS.
All the crimes on earth do not destroy so many of the
human race, nor alienate so much property as drunkenness.
A SHARP REJOINDER.
A  lady was one day walking through the streets of
London, when the tray of a butcher's boy came in contact with her, and soiled her dress.  " The deuce take
the tray," exclaimed the lady, angrily.  "Ah, but the
deuce can't take te  tray," replied the boy with the
greatest coolness.




Wit and  Wisdom.                I65
TEMPERANCE.
Epicurus recommends temperance to us, if it were for
nothing else but the very pleasure of it;'tis the glory
of a man who hath abundance, to live as reason, not as
appetite directs.
IMPORTANCE OF EDUCATION.
Quintilian recommends all parents properly to educate
their children, advising them to train their offspring
carefully in learning good manners, and virtuous exercises, since we commonly retain those qualities in age,
which we cultivated and possessed in our youth.
/ |      VANITY OF RICHES.
The more experience we have of the world, the more
that experience  should show  us how  little is in the
power of riches; for what indeed truly desirable can
they bestow  upon us?  Can they give beauty to the
deformed, strength to the weak, or health to the infirm?
Surely if they could, we should not see so many illfavoured faces haunting the assemblies of the great, nor
would such numbers of feeble wretches languish in their
coaches and palaces.   Can  they prolong their own
possession, or lengthen his days who enjoys them?  So
far otherwise, that the sloth, the luxury, the care which




i66            Book of Humour,
attend them, shorten the lives of millions, and bring
them  with pain and misery to an untimely  grave.
Where then is their value, if they can neither embellish
nor strengthen our forms, sweeten nor prolong our lives?
Again, can they adorn the mind more than the body?
Do they not rather swell the heart with vanity, puff up
the cheeks with pride, shut our ears to every call of
virtue, and our bowels to every motive of compassion?
A  GARRULOUS LADY.
Tom  Hood, on hearing the piety of a very loquacious
lady spoken of, said, " Yes, she is well known for her
mag-piety."
DESIRE FOR LONG LIFE.
There appears to exist a greater desire to live long than
to live well!  Measure by man's desires, he cannot
live long enough; measure by his good deeds, and he
has not lived long enough; measure by his evil deeds,
and he has lived too long.
THE DESPATCH THAT NEVER CAME.
The following incident in the Franco-Italian war against
the Austrians, is recorded in Blackwoocls Magazine:On the day of the battle of Solferino, the Austrian
envoy at Rome dined with the Cardinal Antonelli.  It
was a very joyous little dinner, each in the highest




Wit and Wisdom.               i67
spirits-satisfied with the present, and full of hope for
the fiture.  The telegram  which arrived at mid-day
told that the troops were in motion, and that the artillery
fire had already opened.  The position was a noble one
-the army full of spirit, and all confident that before
the sun should set the tide of victory would have turned,
and the whole legions of the Danube be in hot pursuit
of their flying enemy.   Indeed  the envoy came to
dinner fortified with a mass of letters from men high in
command, all of which assumed as indisputable that the
French must be beaten.  Of the Italians they never
spoke at all.  As the two fiiends sat over the dessert,
they discussed what at that precise moment might be
going on over the battlefield.  Was the conflict still
continuing?  Had the French reserves been brought
up?  Had they, too, been thrown back, beaten and
disordered? and where was the fourth corps under the
Prince Napoleon?  They were 4o,ooo strong-could
they have arrived in time from  the Po    All these
casualties, and many others, did they talk over, but
never once launching a doubt as to the issue, or ever
dreaming that the day was not to reverse all the late
past, and bring back the Austrians in triumph to Milan.
As they sat, the prefect of police was announced and
introduced.  He came with the list of the persons who
were to be arrested and sent to prison-they were one
hundred and eighteen, some of them  among the first
families of Rome-so soon as certain tidings of the
victory arrived, and the game of reaction might be safe




168            Book of Humour,
to begin.   " No  news yet, Signor Prefetto? come
back at ten," said the cardinal.  At ten he presented
himself once more.  The cardinal and his friend were
taking coffee, but less joyous, it seemed, than before.
At least they looked anxious for news, and started at
every noise in the street that might announce new-come
tidings.  "We have heard  nothing  since you were
here," said the cardinal.  " His Excellency thinks that
at a moment of immense exigency, they may not have
immediately bethought them of sending off a despatch."
"There can be no doubt what the news will be when
it comes," said the envoy, "and I'd say, make the
arrests at once."  "I don't know; I'm not sure.  I
think I'd rather counsel a little more patience," said
the cardinal.  " What if you were to come back at, let
us say midnight?"   The prefect bowed, and withdrew.
At midnight it was the same scene, only that the actors
were more agitated; the envoy at least, worked up to
a degree of impatience that bordered on fever; for while
he persisted in declaring that the result was certain, he
continued to censure, in very severe terms, the culpable
carelessness of those charged with the transmission of
news.  "Ah I " cried he,' there it comes at last! 
and a loud summous at the bell resounded through the
house.  " A  telegram, Eminence," said the servant,
entering with a despatch.  The envoy tore it open; there
were but three words-" Beaten-sanglante deroute."
The cardinal took the paper from  the hands of the
overwhelmed  and panic-struck  Minister and read it.




Wit and  Wisdom.                169
He stood for a few seconds gazing on the words, not a
line or lineament in his face betraying the slightest emotion; then, turning to the envoy, he said, " Bon soir;
allons dormir;" and moved away with his usual quick
little step, and retired.
A DOUBLE FARE.
A  gentleman  resident in Edinburgh, whose personal
dimensions were somewhat similar to those of Falstaff,
was in the habit, when travelling by coach, to secure
half the inside of the vehicle for himself.  Having a
new  servant, he sent him one day to book him for'a
neighbouring town.  The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence:   " There weren't two
inside places left, so I took one in, and another out."
FAITH AND WORKS.
A  worthy son of the church in the West Highlands,
who had peculiar notions touching the " full assurance
of faith," having occasion to cross a fe'ry, availed himself of the opportunity to interrogate the boatman as to
the grounds of his belief, assuring him, that if he had
faith, he was certain of a blessed immortality.   The
boatman  said he had always entertained a different
notion of the subject, and begged to give an illustration
of his opinion.  "Let us suppose," said the ferryman,
"that one of these oars is called faith, and the othe




170             Book of Humour,
works, and try their several merits."   Accordingly,
throwing down one oar in the boat, he proceeded to
pull the other with all his strength, upon which the
boat was turned round and made no way.  "Now,"
said he, " you perceive faith won't do-let us try what
works can." Seizing the other oar, and giving it the same
trial, the same consequences ensued.  "Works," said
he, " you see, won't do either; let us try them together."
The result was successful; the boat shot through the
waves, and soon reached the wished-for haven." This,"
said the honest ferryman, 4"is the way by which I hope
to be wafted over the troubled waters of this world to
the peaceful shores of immortality."
LEONIDAS AT THERMOPYLAE.
Leonidas, king of Sparta, when defending Thermopylae
against the Persian host under Xeixes, was told by one
of his soldiers that the Persian arrows were so numerous that they obscured the light of the sun.  "Never
mind that," was the reply, "we shall have the advantage of fighting in the shade."
DON'T MEET SORROW HALF-WAY.
Fear not that which cannot be avoided.  It is extreme
folly to make yourself miserable before your time, or to
fear that which may never come; or if it do, may
possibly be converted into felicity.  For it often falls




Wit and Wisdom.                 I 7
out, that that which we most dreaded, when it comes,
brings much happiness with it, and we recognise the
hand of Providence unveiling to us the silver lining of
the cloud that seemed charged with  misfortune and
despair.
ADVICE TO THE MARRIED.
As a great part of the uneasiness of matrimony arises
fiom mere trifles, it would be wise in every young
married man to enter into an agreement with his wife
-that in all disputes of this kind, the party who was
most convinced they were right, should always surrender
the victory.  By which means both would be more
forward to give up the cause.
NARROW-MINDED PEOPLE.
It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked
bottles: the less they have in them, the more noise they
make in pouring it out.
ADVANTAGE OF LEARNING.
Learning is the chief ornament and jewel of man's life,
and without it no man can attain to any preferment in
the commonwealth.  Learn, therefore, whilst you are
young, not only book-knowledge, but also to cultivate
those good qualities which will in after life make you a
good husband, a kind father, and a true friend.




I172           Book of zunmour,
SERVANTS.
If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you
keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you
may do it yourself.
A SLIGHT MISAPPREHENSION.
A happy pair, in smart array,
By holy church united,
From London town, in open shay,
Set off, by love incited.
The day was dull as dull could be,
So (dreaming of no pun),
Quoth John, 6 I hope, my dear, that we
May have a little sun."
To which his bride, with simple heart,
Replied ('twas nature taught her),
" Well-I confess-for my own partI'd rather have a daughter."
INQUISITIVENESS.
Inquisitive people are the funnels of conversation-they
do not take in anything for their own use, but merely to
pass it to another.




Wit and Wisdom.                I7 3
EVILS OF PRIDE.
Proud men have no friends; neither in prosperity, because they know nobody, nor in adversity, because then
nobody knows them.
DEFINITION OF WEALTH.
He is rich whose income is more than his expenses;
and he is poor whose expenses exceed his income.
SHARP FOR THE DOCTOR.
A gentleman once rallying a physician on the inefficacy
of his prescriptions, the doctor said he defied any of his
patients to find fault with him.  " That is exactly what
Jack Ketch says," was the reply.
WORLDLY FRIENDS.
When I see (says Warwick in his " Spare Minutes")
leaves drop from their trees in the beginning of autumn,
just such, think I, is the friendship of the world. While
the sap of maintenance lasts, my friends swarm in abundance; but, in the winter of my need, they leave me
naked.  He is a happy man, that hath a true friend at
his need; but he is nmcre truly happy, that hath no need
of his fiiend.




174            Book of HuNmour,
A COURAGEOUS NIGGER.
A  nigger, on being charged by his master with being
afraid of work, replied, "No, massa, no'fiaid of work;
I'll lie down and sleep by it."
"THE APPAREL OFT PROCLAIMS THE MAN."
A man ought in his clothes to conform  something to
those that he converses with, to the custom  of the
nation, and the fashion that is decent and general, to the
occasion, and his own condition: for that is best that
best suits with one's calling, and the rank we live in.
And, seeing all men are not CEdipuses, to read the
riddle of another man's inside, and mostmen judge by
appearances, it behoves a man to barter for a good
esteem, even fiom his clothes and outside.  We guess
the goodness of the pasture by the mantle we see it
wear.
DEFINITION OF WIT.
Like every other power wit has its boundaries.  Its
success depends on the aptitude of others to receive
impressions; and that as some bodies, indissoluble by
heat, can set the furnace and crucible at defiance, there
are minds upon which the rays of fancy may be pointed
without effect, and which  no fire of sentiment can
agitate or exalt.




Wit anid  Wisdom.              175
A SCHOOLBOY CATECHISED.
A schoolboy undergoing an examination, being asked
who was the wickedest man, replied, " Moses; because
he broke all the commandments at once."
ORIGIN OF THE TERM "SPINSTER."
Formerly it was a custom  that a girl should not get
married until she had spun herself a set of body and
table-linen.  From  this custom, all unmarried women
were termed " spinsters "-an appellation they still retair in England in all deeds and legal proceedings.
PURSUIT OF WEALTH.
The world would be more happy if persons gave up
more time to an intercourse of friendship.  But money
engrosses all our deference; and we scarce enjoy a social
hour because we think it unjustly stolen from the main
business of life.
SOLON THE LAWGIVER.
Solon  being asked, why, amongst his personal laws,
there was not one against personal affronts? answered,
He  could not believe the world so fantastical as to
regard them.




t76             Book of ffumour,
PREPARE FOR ADVERSITY.
In the height of your prosperity be prepared for adversity, but fear it not.  If it come not, you are possessed
of the happiness you have, and the more strongly confirmed; if it come, you are the more gently disposed,
and the more firmly prepared to endure philosophically
the misfortunes that Providence may see fit to afflict
you with.
HOPE.
Hope is a flatterer, but the most upright of all parasites,
for she fiequents the poor man's hut as well as the
palace of his superior.  Sir E. Bulwer Lytton finely
remarks:
Hope, the sweet bird, whilst that the air can fill,
Let earth be ice, the soul has summer still.
DRUNKENNESS.
It were better for a man to be-subject to any vice, than
to drunkenness; for all other vanities and sins may be
recovered, but a drunkard will rarely ever shake off his
vice; and the longer it possesses a man, the more he
will delight in it, and the older he grows, the more he
will be subject to it; for it dulls the spirits and destroys
the body, as ivy does the old tree,. or as the worm
engenders in the kernel of the nut.




Wit and Wisdom.                 I'7
AVOID LOQUACITY.
Accustom  not yourself to speaking overmuch, and
before you speak, think; let not your tongue run,
before reason and judgment bid it go; if the heart
does not premeditate, the tongue must necessarily precipitate.
POWER OF THE PEN.
The fangs of a bear, and the tusks of a wild boar, do
not bite worse, and make deeper gashes, than a goosequill sometimes: no not even the badger himself, who is
said to be so tenacious of his bite, that he will not give
over his hold till he feels his teeth meet and the bones
crack.
A  REMINDER.
A person asking a wit if the tolling of a bell did not
remind him of his latter end, was answered, " No; but
the rope puts me in mind of yours."
A  MODEL SERVANT.
A  gentleman once advertised for a valet who did not
mind confinement, and who had lived some time in his
last place.  He was applied to by a person who had
borne confinement in his last place for several years.
His last place was in Newgate.
N




78             Book of Hzmour,
THE STUDENT-THE GOOD HE CONFERS.
He that is well employed in his study, though he may
seem to do nothing, does the greatest things yet of all
others: he lays down precepts for the government of
our lives and the moderating of our passions, and obliges
human nature, not only in the present, but in all succeeding generations.
YANKEE SHARPNESS.
A Yankee pedlar in his cart, overtaking another of his
class, was addressed, " Hallo, what do you carry?"
"Drugs and medicines," was the reply.  " Go ahead,"
was the rejoinder, " I carry gravestones."
CHOICE OF FRIENDS.
There are two requisite qualities in the choice of a
friend: he must be both a sensible and an honest man;
for fools and vicious men are incapable of true friendship.
THE LAST DAYS OF MALIBRAN.
The following interesting account of the last days of
Madame Malibran de Beriot appears in "Notes and
Queries":-The brilliant performances of the fair vocal
actress, Madame Malibran de Beriot, were brought to a




Wit and  %Wisdom.                I79
close at the Manchester grand musical festival of 1836.
She arrived in that town from  Paris on Sunday the
I Ith of September. On the Monday, she went through
the fatigue of singing fourteen pieces with her Italian
friends.  She was ill on Tuesday; but insisted upon
singing both morning and evening.  On Wednesday,
her indisposition was still more evident, but she gave the
last sacred composition she ever sang, " Sing ye to the
Lord!" with thrilling effect; and on that evening (the
i4th) her last notes in public were heard in the duet,
"Vanne se alberghi in petto," fiom Andronico, with
Madame Caradori Allan.  It was received with enthusiastic applause, and the last movement was encored.
She did repeat it; but it was a desperate struggle against
sinking nature-she never sang afterwards.  Her complaint proved irremediable, and she expired on the evening of Friday, September 23d, attended by her second
husband, Monsieur de Beriot, to whom she was devotedly attached.  The Roman service was first said over
the remains of the deceased at her rooms.. On the
arrival of the funeral cortege at the Collegiate Church
of Manchester, the organ commenced playing the " Dead
March in Saul;" the body was then placed on tressels
in the centre aisle, and the service of the English church
was read, and chanted by the choir.  The corpse was
then carried on the bier to the south aisle, to a grave
which was formerly a burial-place of the Fitzherberts.
Not long after, her remains were exhumed, and taken
to Brussels, her mother coming to England for that




180             Book of Humour,
purpose.  The death of this gifted lady excited the
most painful sensation at the time, for it was rumoured
that it was occasioned by improper treatment.
LIFE AND DEATH.
While we are reasoning concerning life,-life is gone;
and death, though perhaps they receive him differently,
yet treats alike the fool and the philosopher.
VALUE OF REPUTATION.
Be careful of your reputation; if that be once lost, you
are, like a cancelled writing, valueless.
LACONIC CORRESPONDENCE.
Thelwall, when about to be tried for treason, wrote to
Mr. Erskine the following epistle: 6 I shall plead my
own cause."  To which Erskine as briefly replied,
"You'll be hanged if you do."  Thelwall wittily rejoined, "Then if I do, I'll be hanged."
LOVE OF TRUTH WITH THE ATHENIANS.
The virtue of the ancient Athenians is very remarkable
in the case of Euripides.   This great tragic poet,
though famous for the morality of his plays, had introduced a person who, being reminded of an oath he had




Wit aizd Wisdom.                I 8 I
taken, replied, "I swore with my mouth but not with my
heart."  The impiety of this sentiment set the audience
in an uproar; made Socrates (though an intimate friend
of the poet) go out of the theatre with indignation; and
gave so great offence, that he was publicly accused, and
brought upon his trial, as one who had suggested an
evasion of what they thought the most holy and indissoluble bond of human society.  So jealous were these
virtuous heathens of the smallest hint that might open
a way to perjury.
DEATH THE COMFORTER.
There are a great many miseries which nothing but
death can give relief to.  This puts an end to the
sorrows of the afflicted and oppressed; it sets the
prisoners at liberty; it dries up the tears of the widows
and fatherless; it eases the complaints of the hungry
and naked; it tames the proudest tyrants; and puts an
end to all our labours.  And the contemplation on it
supports men under their present adversities, especially
when they have a prospect of a better life after this.
WOMAN IN DOMESTIC LIFE.
The chief part of a woman's character is contained in
domestic life;-first, her piety towards God: and next
in the duties of a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister,
and a fiiend.




182              Book of Humouor,
MEN OF SENSE THE BEST HUSBANDS.
The silliest fellows are in general the worst of husbands,
and it may be asserted as a fact, that a man of sense
rarely behaves very ill to a wife who deserves very well.
AN IRISHMAN'S LETTER.
An Irishman called at the General Post-Office to inquire if there were any letters for him.  He was asked
for his name.  " Oh," said he, " sure you will find it
on the back of the letter  "
A  TRUE PROPHET.
Colonel George Hanger, in his Autobiography, written
in  i8oT, thus prophesies of the future of America.
The realization of his prediction in the present day
gives an interest to his remarks.  I shall here relate a
conversation that took place one day at table before
a large company, and an opinion which I gave relative
to the future destiny of the government of that country,
and I am of opinion that the state of affairs there is
rapidly hastening a dissolution of the United States.
At that time, when peace had been concluded but a
few weeks, I was of that opinion, and remember well
when General Dickenson asked me my opinion of the
government and  its  stability, I communicated  my




Wit and Wisdom.                 183
thoughts nearly in the following words: - Sir, as long
as General Washington, and the other principal military characters and leading men in Congress, who have
brought about this revolution, are alive, the government
will remain as it is-united; but when all of you are
in your graves there will be wars and rumours of wars
in this country.  There are too many different interests
in it for them  to be united under one government.
Just as this war commenced you were going to fight
amongst yourselves, and would have fought had the
British not interfered.  You then, one and all, united
against us as your common enemy; but one of these
days the Northern and Southern powers will fight as
vigorously against each other as they both have united
to do against the British.   This country, when its
population shall be completed, is large enough for
three great empires.  Look casually at the map of it.
View how irregularly the provinces are laid out, running
into each other.   Look particularly at the State of
New  York.   It extends I5o miles in length, due
north, and in no place in breadth above I 5 to 20
miles.  No country can be said to have a boundary or
fiontier unless its exterior limits are marked by an unfordable river, or a chain of mountains not to be passed
but in particular places.  The great finger of Nature
has distinctly pointed out three extensive boundaries to
your country: the North River is the first; the Great
Potomac, which runs 300 miles from Alexandria to the
sea, unfordable, the second; and the Mississippi, the




184             Book of Huimour,
third and last.   When the country of Kentucky is
completely settled, and the back country fhrther on to
the banks of the Mississippi shall become populous and
powerful, do you think they will ever be subjected to a
government seated at Philadelphia or New York, at the
distance of so many hundred miles? But such a defection will not happen for a very long period of time,
until the inhabitants of the country become numerous
and powerful.  The Northern and Southern powers
will first divide and contend in arms.
A HEROIC REPLY.
When Xerxes wrote to Leonidas, the Spartan hero,
asking him to surrender his arms, the reply he obtained
was this brief one-" Come and take them."
YANKEE FROTH.
The beer in Rhode Island is said to be so strong that
it requires three men to blow the head off a pot of porter,
and they must be long-winded!
How TO CULTIVATE MEMORY.
The best way to remember a thing is thoroughly to
understand it, and often to recal it to mind.  By reading continually with great attention, and never passing a
passage without understanding and considering it well,




Wit and Wisdom.                 185
the memory will be stored with knowledge; and things
will occur at times when we want them, though we can
never recollect the passages or from whence we draw
our ideas.
How TO CONVERSE.
In conversation, men should not talk to please themselves, but those that hear them.   Were this rule
generally observed, it would  make  them  consider
whether what they speak be worth hearing; whether
there be either wit or sense in what they are about to
say; and whether.it be adapted to the time when, the
place where, and the person to whom, it is spoken.
A HINT FROM THE GALLERY.
A comedian was once performing at one of the Dublin
theatres in a dirty pair of white duck trousers.  A  lad
in the gallery, observing the state of the actor's nether
garment, shouted out, "Och! mister, wouldn' your
ducks be the better of a swim?"
HINTS TO EMIGRANTS.
An acquaintance of a certain Scotch bailie made a
grievous complaint to him one day of the hard times,
and the impossibility of scraping together a livelihood in
this wretched country.  The bailie's own experience
ran directly counter to these croakings, for his industry




i86             Book of Huzmozr,
had realised a handsome competence; but he knew too
much of the world to attempt proving to the complainer,
that his ill success might be partly his own fault.  He
contented himself with remarking that it was surely possible for a tradesman to draw together a tolerable business.  "Not in this country," his friend repeated.
" Weel, then," said the bailie, "what say ye to emigration? I have heard that some push their way weel in
Australia."  "Yes," replied his desponding townsman,
" that might be the case ance in a day, but if there is
business there, mae folk are there than can get a share
o't."  "Weel, it may be true ye say," rejoined the
bailie, "but ye might gang further-ye might gang up
into the interior."  "There's naebody there," said the
grumbler, "but kangaroos."  The worthy magistrate,
concluding that kangaroos were a tribe of native savages
among whom a careful pedlar might make indifferent
good  bargains, replied, "Weel-a-weel, and  isna a
kangaroo's siller as gude as anither man's?"
CUMBERLAND AND SHERIDAN.
Cumberland, the play-writer, was asked what he thought
of Sheridan's comedy, " The School for Scandal." He
pronounced it, in his opinion, to be a failure, saying that
"when he went to see it, he did not laugh once."
Sheridan, hearing of this, remarked that " Cumberland
was very ungrateful, for, when he went to see Mr. C.'s
tragedy, he laughed from the beginning to the end of it."




Wit and Wisdom.                 I87
THE GLORY OF FORGIVENESS.
Pardon to one who has injured us is the most glorious
revenge.  Cicero commended Caesar more for pardoning Metullus, than for the great victory obtained over
his enemies.
A  SHARP EDITOR.
A subscriber to an American newspaper writes to the
editor thus: "I don't want your paper any longer."
To which the editor replies, " I wouldn't make it any
longer if you did.  Its present length suits me very
well."
AN IRISHMAN'S READY WIT.
An Irish officer in the French service solicited Louis
the Fourteenth for some favour for a fiiend.  The king,
being in an angry mood, exclaimed, " I find you Irishmen very troublesome."  "Your enemies, sire, make
the same remark," replied the officer-which so pleased
the king that the favour solicited was granted at once.
A PROVERB ALTERED.
" Idleness covers a man with rags," says the proverb.
An Irish schoolmaster, thinking to improve on this,
wrote a copy for one of his boys with the proverb thus
altered: " Idleness covers a man with nakedness."




188             Book of Humour,
THE VALUE OF WISDOM.
It was remarked by Seneca, that a wise man is provided
for occurrences of every kind: the good he controls,
the bad he vanquishes; in prosperity he betrays no presumption, and in adversity he feels no despondency.
The wisdom he possesses enables him to bear up with
heroism under all reverses.
RABELAIS AND TIHE DOCTORS.
When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consultation of
physicians was called.  " Pray," said the dying wit to
the doctors, "pray.let me die a natural death."
THE HEROISM OF PATIENCE.
To endure present evils with patience and forbearance,
and wait for expected good with  long-suffering, is
equally the part of the true Christian and the hero.
VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP.
True fiiendship is one of the greatest blessings upon
earth: it makes the cares and anxieties of life sit easy;
provides us with a partner in our afflictions, and is a sure
resort against every accident and difficulty that can
happen to us.




Wit and Wisdom.                189
DR. JOHNSON AND HIS PUBLISHER.
When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay
of which had quite exhausted the patience of Millar,
the bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of
the last sheet in the following terms:"Andrew  Millar sends his compliments to Mr.
Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of
the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has
done with him."
To this uncourteous intimation the doctor replied
in this smart retort:
" Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr.
Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by
his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank
God for anything."
THE VOICE OF CONSCIENCE.
The voice of conscience is so delicate, that it is easy to
stifle it; but it is also so clear, that it is impossible to
mistake it.
DUTIES OF AN INSTRUCTOR,
A  tutor should not be continually thundering instruction into the ears of his pupil, as if he were pouring it
through a funnel; but, after having put the lad, like a
young horse, on a trot, before him, to observe his paces,




igo             Book of Humour,
and see what he is able to perform-should, according
to the extent of his capacity, induce him to taste, to
distinguish, and to find out things for himself; sometimes opening the way, at other times leaving it for him
to open; and, by abating or increasing his own pace,
accommodate his precepts to the capacity of his pupil.
PERIODS OF LIFE-THEIR CHARACTERISTICS.
The prerogative of infancy is innocency; of childhood, reverence; of manhood, maturity; and of old age,
wisdom.
PEDANTRY AND PEDANTS.
A  man who has been brought up among books, and
is able to talk of nothing else, is a very indifferent companion, and what we call a pedant.  But we should enlarge the title, and give it to every one that does not
know how to think out of his profession and particular
way of life. What is a greater pedant than a mere man
of the town?  Bar him the play-houses, a catalogue of
the reigning beauties, and you strike him dumb. The
military pedant always talks of a camp, and in storming
towns, making lodgments, and fighting battles from one
end of the year to the other.  Every thing he speaks
smells of gunpowder; if you take away his artillery from
him, he has not a word to say for himself.  The law
pedant is perpetually putting cases, repeating the transactions of Westminster Hall, wrangling with you upon




Wit and Wisdom.                 I9 
the most indifferent circumstances of life, and not to be
convinced of the distance of a place, or of the most
trivial point in conversation, but by dint of argument.
The state pedant is wrapt up in news, and lost in politics. If you mention either of the sovereigns of Europe,
he talks very notably; but if you go out of the gazette,
you drop him.  In short, a mere courtier, a mere soldier, a mere scholar, a mere anything, is an insipid,
pedantic character, and equally ridiculous.
A  WIFE'S QUALIFICATIONS.
There are three things which a good wife should resemble, and yet those three things she should not resemble.  She should be like a town clock-keep time
and regularity.  She should not, however; be like a
town clock-speak so loudly that all the town may
hear her.  She should be like a snail-prudent and
keep within her own house.  She should not be like a
snail-carry all she has upon her back.  She should be
like an echo-speak when spoken to.  But she should
not be like an echo-determined always to have the
last word.
GooD CONFERRED BY THE ALCHYMISTS.
The pursuit of alchymy is at an end.  Yet surely to
alchymy this right is due, that it may truly be compared
to the husbandman whereof AEsop makes the fable, that




192             Book of Hzimour,
when he died, he told his sons he had left unto them a
great mass of gold buried under ground in his vineyard,
but did not remember the particular place where it was
hidden; who when they had with spades turned up all
the vineyard, gold indeed they found none; but by reason of their stirring and digging the mould about the
roots of their vines, they had a great vintage the year
following: so the painful search and stir of alchymists
to make gold, hath brought to light a great numbe; of
good and fruitful experiments, as well for the disclosing
of nature, as the use of man's life.
A PARADOX.
Two friends were discussing that interesting event in
French history, the Vendean Revolt, and the character
of the Vendean hero, Henri Larochejaquelein. " What
brave fellows those poor Vendean peasants were," said
one.  "Yes," enjoined his friend, " but yet the greater
portion of them were cow-herds."
LORD BYRON's SUPERSTITION.
Hearing of the death of a friend, his lordship said:
I was convinced something very unpleasant hung over
me last night.  I expected to hear that somebody I
knew was dead; so it turns out; who can help being
superstitious?  Scott believes in second sight; Rousseau
tried whether he would be damned or not by aiming at




WVit and Wisdom.                193
a tree with a stone; Goethe trusted to the chance of a
knife's striking the water whether he was to succeed in
some undertaking; Swift placed the success of his life
on the drawing a trout he had hooked out of the water.
Several extraordinary things have happened on my birthday; so they did to Napoleon; and a more wonderful
circumstance still occurred to Marie Antoinette. At
my wedding, something whispered me that I was signing
my death-warrant.  At the last moment I would have
retreated if I could have done so.  I am a great believer
in presentiments.  Socrates' demon was no fiction;
Monk Lewis had his monitor, and Bonaparte many
warnings.
CHARM OF GOOD TEMPER.
A  cheerful temper, joined, with innocence, will make
beauty attractive, knowledge delightful, and wit goodnatured. It will lighten sickness, poverty, and affliction,
convert ignorance into an amiable simplicity, and render
deformity itself agreeable.
SUGGESTIONS TO THE NEWLY-MARRIED.
Every little thing can blast an infant blossom; and the
breath of the south can shake the little rings of the
vine, when first they begin to curl like the locks of a
new-weaned boy; but when by age and consolidation
they stiffen into the hardness of a stem, and have, by
the warm embraces of the sun and the kisses of heaven,
0




.I94            Book of Humnour,
brought forth their clusters, they can endure the storms
of the north, and the loud noises of a tempest, and yet
never be broken; so are the early unions of an unfixed
marriage-watchful and observant, jealous and busy,
inquisitive and careful, and apt to take alarm at every
unkind word.  After the hearts of the man and the
wife are endeared and hardened by a mutual confidence
and experience, longer than artifice and pretence can
last, there are a great many remembrances, and some
things present, that dash all little unkindnesses in pieces.
CURIOUS BLUNDER.
An  American periodical announced that Mr. W.
Chambers, the well-known author and publisher, had
produced a work entitled " The History of Publishers."
" I am  greatly diverted," says Mr. Chambers, "with
the droll mistake into which our American friends have
fallen, by transforming my'History of Peeblesshire'
into a' History of Publishers."'
THE TRANSLATION ACCOMMODATED.
The late Dr. Hutcheson of Hamilton was visiting at a
house where there was a young girl, who was a great
toast among the country beaux, but had hitherto failed
to attain her object, marriage.  The doctor asked a few
questions, and then requested her to repeat some verses
of a psalm.  She fixed upon the 72d psalm, which




Wit aund Wisdom.               I95
ends, " Amen, so let it be;" but, partly from the confusion into which she was thrown by the visitation of
the minister, and partly from the broad drawling accent
so common among country people, she pronounced the
words " A  man, so let it be."  The doctor, smiling,
remarked, " Very well, my woman, I daresay that is
the conclusion of many a young maiden's prayer."
CHARLES XII. AT NARVA.
Charles XII. of Sweden, at the battle of Narva, being told that the enemy were as three to one when compared with his own army, replied, "-I am glad to hear
it, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take
prisoners, and enough to run away."
GEORGE II. AND GENERAL WOLFE.
When George II. was once expressing his admiration
of General Wolfe, some one remarked that the general
was mad.  " Is he, indeed?" said his Majesty; " then
I wish he would bite some of my other generals."
ENVY.
Captain Gronow, in his " Reminiscences," relates that
at an evening party, many years since, at Lady Jersey's,
every one was praising a young duke who had just come
in, and who had lately attained his majority.  There




96            Book of Hzlzozlr,
was a perfect chorus of admiration, to this effect;,
Everything is in his favour-he has good looks, considerable abilities, and a hundred thousand a-year.
Rogers, who had been carefully examining the " young
ruler," listened to these encomiums for some time in
silence, and at last remarked, with an air of exultation,
and in his most venomous manner, " Thank God, he has
got bad teeth."
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
So poor -, the barrister, is dead," said a judge in
the nisi prius court, " and I hear, poor fellow, that he
left but very few efects."  " Not likely that he could
leave many," said Lyndhurst with a knowing look,
" when he had so few causes."
COOKE THE TRAGEDIAN.
" How are you this morning?" said Fawcett, the comedian, to George Frederick Cooke.  "Not at all myself," replied the tragedian.  "Then, I congratulate
you," replied Fawcett, " for, be whoever else you will,
you will be a gainer by the bargain."
AN IRISHMAN AND HIS LAWYER.
An attorney said to an Irishman, his client, "Why
don't you pay me that six and eightpence, Mr. Mulrooney?"   "Why, faith, because I do not owe it to




Wit aznd WisCdom.                197
you."   "Not owe it me? yes, you do; it's for the
opinion you had of me."  "That's a good un, indeed,"
rejoined Pat, " when I never had any opinion of you
in all my life."
A SHARP PUPIL.
A schoolmaster inquired of one of his pupils on a cold
day in winter what was the Latin word for " cold"'
"I can't remember it at the moment," said the boy,
"but I have it at my fingers' ends."
UNCERTAINTY OF COURT FAVOUR.
Warwick, in his'" Spare Minutes," thus remarksWhen I see a gallant ship well rigged, trimmed, tackled,
manned, and munitioned, with her top and top-gallant,
and her spread sails proudly swelling with a full gale
in fair weather, putting out of the haven into the smooth
main, and drawing the spectators' eyes with a wellwishing admiration; and shortly hear of the same ship
being split against some dangerous rock, or wrecked by
some disastrous tempest, or sunk by some leak sprung
in her by some accident; it seemeth I see the case of
some court favourite, who to-day, like Sejanus, dazzleth
all men's eyes with the splendour of his glory, and with
the proud and potent beak of his powerful prosperity
cutteth the waves and ploweth through the press of the
vulgar, and scorneth to fear aught at his keel below, or
any cross winds from above; and yet to-morrow, on




19S             Book of Humnozr,
some storms of unexpected disfavour, springs a leak in
his honour, and sinks on the Syrtes of disgrace, or
dashed against the rocks of displeasure, is split and
wrecked in the Charybdis of infamy, and so concludes
his voyage in misery and misfortune.
SHERIDAN'S PRECOCITY.
The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day
speaking of the pedigree of the Sheridan family, and
regretting that they were no longer styled O'Sheridan,
as they were formerly.   " Indeed, father," replied
Sheridan, then a boy, "we have more right to the O
than any one besides; for we owe every body."
MOORE'S ESTIMATE OF IRELAND.
The celebrated poet, Tom  Moore, was once complimented by a gentleman on the beauty and fertility of
Ireland, the land of the poet's birth.  "Yes," said
Moore, " Ireland is the finest country in the world-to
live out of."
ANECDOTE OF CURRAN.
Lord Clare, in a discussion with Curran in court one
day, on some law point, exclaimed sharply in reply to
some legal points urged by Curran, c Oh, if that be law,
Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books?"  "You had
better read them, my lord," was the sarcastic rejoinder.




Wit and Wisdom.                I99
A WITTY EXECUTIONER.
A culprit at the point of execution, asked the executioner if he had any commands to the next world.
" Nothing particular," was the reply, " but I must just
trouble you with a line."
CHARM OF WEDLOCK.
Marriage improves happiness, and abates misery, by the
doubling of our joy and dividing of our grief; and when
we are blessed with a healthy progeny, the comforts of
home possess hitherto unknown allurements.
THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
Nothing is so influential as example. We imitate good
actions from a desire to emulate, and bad ones from a
natural perversity in our natures, which shame conceals
and example frees.
AN IMPRACTICABLE WITNESS.
During a trial in Scotland, a barrister was examining an
old woman, and trying to persuade her to his view by
some "leading questions."  After several attempts to
induce her memory to recur to a particular circumstance,
the barrister angrily observed, 4 Surely you must re



200              Book of Huimzour,
member this fact-surely you can call to mind such and
such a circumstance."   The witness answered, " I ha'
tauld ye I can't tell; but if ye know  so much mair
about it than I do (pointing to the judge), do'e tell
maister yerself."
WISDOM AT THE SCAFFOLD.
When Lord William  Russell was beheaded for high
treason in the reign of Charles II., he was attended to
the scaffold by the celebrated Dr. Burnet, who afterwards became Bishop of Salisbury.  Arrived at the
foot of the scaffold, he handed his watch to Burnet,
with this remark —" Here," said he, " I don't require
this now; it shows time, and I am going into eternity."
FRIENDSHIP. 
Of all felicities, how charming is that of a firm and
gentle friendship!  It sweetens our cares, softens our
sorrows, and assists us in extremities.  It is a sovereign
antidote against calamities.
A  LEARNED PROVOST.
A plaintiff, in stating his case before the provost of a
certain Scotch burgh, having had occasion to speak of
a party who was dead, repeatedly described him as the
defunct.  Irritated by the iteration of a word which he




Wit and Wisdomt.               201
did not understand, the provost exclaimed, "What's
the use o' talking sae muckle about this chield you ca'
the defunct?-canna ye bring the man here and let him
speak for himsel'?"  "The defunct's dead, my Lord,"
added the weaver.  " Oh! that alters the case," gravely
observed the sapient provost.
GENIUS.
Theonly difference between a genius and one of common capacity is, that the former anticipates and explores
what the latter accidentally hits upon.  But even the
man of genius himself more fiequently employs the
advantages that chance presents to him.   It is the
lapidary that gives value to the diamond, which the
peasant has dug up without knowing its worth.
DANGER OF PROSPERITY.
Prosperity hath always been the cause of more evils to
men than adversity; and it is easier to bear one patiently, than not to forget himself in the other.
ANECDOTE OF GEORGE I.
George I., on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in Holland, and while horses were getting ready
for him, he asked for two or three eggs, which were
brought him, and cha'ged a hundred florins.  " How




202             Book of Humour,
is this " said the king, "eggs must be very scarce
here."  "Pardon me," said the host, " eggs are plentiful enough, but kings are scarce."
A SMART REPLY.
Two gentlemen sitting over their wine at a tavern were
amusing themselves by asking each other to solve riddles.
At length one of them took up a filbert, and, showing
it to his friend, said, " If this filbert could speak, what
would it say?"  " Why," rejoined the other, " it would
say-Give me none of your jaw."
SUETT AND INCLEDON.
Incledon, the celebrated singer, happening one day to
meet Suett, the comedian, at Tattersall's, asked him
if he had come to buy a horse.  "Yes," said Suett.
" Why, I should not think," added Incledon, " that
you know the difference between a horse and an ass."
"0 yes," said Suett,'I should know you amongst
a hundred horses."
AN IRISHMAN'S IDEA OF HOSPITALITY.
An Irish soldier, who had been abroad, being asked if
he met with much hospitality where he had been.
" 0 yes," replied he, "too much, I was in the hospital
almost all the time I was there."
I




Wit and Wisdom.                 203
LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.
A  physician, seeing Charles Bannister about to drink
a glass of brandy, said,  "Don't drink that filthy stuff;
brandy is the worst enemy you have."  " I know that,"
was the reply, "but -you know we are commanded in
Scripture to love our enemies."
WHERE MATCHES ARE MADE.
c Matches," said a single young lady one day whilst
earnestly discussing the subject of marriage-" matches
are made in heaven."     Very likely," was the cool
rejoinder of a married lady, her friend, " and they are
often dipped in the other place."
A DEFINITION OF HUMBUG.
A  woman was being examined at the Old Bailey as
a witness, when, to a question put by the barrister,
Clarkson, she replied, " Don't think to humbug me."
Upon which the Recorder said, " Answer the question
directly, woman, or I will commit you."   "Aye,"
said Clarkson, "and tell us what you mean by humbug?"  "Why," replied the woman, "If I was to
tell you, Mr. Clarkson, that the Recorder was a gentleman, that would be humbugging you and the court
too."




204             Book of Humour,
THE ELEPHANT AND HIS TRUNK.
Mr. Canning and a friend were admiring a picture of
the Deluge, in which was seen an elephant in the act
of drowning.  " I wonder," said the gentleman, " that
the elephant did not secure an inside place in the ark."
" He was too late," replied Canning, " he was detained
packing up his trunk."
A  HINT TO THE TAILORS.
Two friends strolling through the streets of London,
observed the walls in every direction placarded with a
huge woodcut representing  a pair of trousers, with
a lettering  beneath, " The  Sydenham   Trousers."
"Surely," said one of the gentlemen to his fiiend,
"this article of dress is misnamed.   Why not say
the Sit-in.-em trousers?"
PALMER AND BANNISTER.
John Palmer, the actor, appeared one day at rehearsal
in great agitation.  Jack Bannister requested to know
what was the matter,  "  Why, sir, my donkey of a
brother was married yesterday to a pennyless girl of the
name of Sharp."  " My dear friend," said Bannister,
" don't fret, it was a musical wedding-there was a
flat and a sharp."




Wit and Wisdom.                 205
A HARMLESS SOLDIER.
A  young officer, who had lost his right arm, remarked
to his friend, that he should not now be much feared by
his enemies.  " No," replied his fiiend, " you will now
always be considered an armless fellow."
AN UNCLEAN DOCTOR.
A certain doctor at a dinner party had his hand on the
table.  " What a dirty hand Dr. --   has," said one
of the party.  " I'll bet you a bottle of wine there is a
dirtier in company," said the doctor, who had overheard the remark.  "Done," said the other; upon
which he produced his other hand, and won the bet.
PRIDE.
Zeno said, " Nothing was more indecent than pride,
and especially in a young man."
WEWITZER'S CANDLES.
Wewitzer, the actor, ordering some candles, told the
tradesman from whom he was purchasing that he hoped
they would be better than the last he had, which burnt
very well down to the middle, but after that they would
not burn any longer.




206            Book of Hzumozur,
A RAP FOR THE LAWYERS.
An estate was lately advertised for sale; after a description had been given of the beauty of the situation,
the richness of the soil, and the mildness of the climate,
this addendum was given to enhance the value of the
property: N.B.-There is not a lawyer within ten
miles of the place.
THE LUXURY OF BEING RICH.
When the Emperor Joseph II. was in Paris, in the
reign of Louis XVI., he was in the habit of walking
about the city incognito.  One morning, he went into
an elegant coffee-house, and asked for a cup of chocolate. He was plainly dressed, and the waiters insolently
refused it, saying it was too early.  Without making
any reply, he walked out, and went into a little coffeehouse. He asked for a cup of chocolate, and the landlord politely answered, that it should be ready in a
moment.  While he waited for it, as the coffee-house
was empty, he walked up and down, and was conversing on different subjects, when the landlord's daughter,
a very pretty girl, made her appearance. The emperor
wished her a good day, according to the French mode;
and observed to her father that it was time she should
be married.'"Ah I" replied the old man; "if I had
but a thousand crowns, I could marry her to a man




Wit and Wisdom.                207
who is very fond of her-but, sir,-the chocolate is
ready."  The emperor called for pen, ink, and paper;
the girl ran to fetch them; and he gave her an order
on his banker for six thousand livres.
A BOY's REBUKE.
A boy being praised for shrewdness in replying, a person remarked, that it generally happened that when
children were sharp, it frequently turned out that in
after-life they became dull and stupid, and vice versa.
" You must have been a very sensible child, sir, I
should think," rejoined the boy.
A KING'S MAGNANIMITY.
Philip II. of Spain having granted a general pardon to
the inhabitants of a revolted city, with some exceptions,
one of his courtiers informed him of the place where a
gentleman was hidden who was not included in the
amnesty.  " You would have done better," said the
king, " to have gone and told him that I am here, than
to come and tell me where he is."
HIGHLAND NOTION OF TOOTH-BRUSHES.
A family in Edinburgh, not keeping a footman, engaged
a Highlander to serve them during a visit from a man
of fashion. Dinner having waited an unreasonable time




208             Book of Humour,
one day for the guest, Duncan was sent into his room
to inform him that it was on the table.  But he not
coming, Duncan was sent again; still they waited, and
the lady at last said to the man, "What can the gentleman be doing?"  "Please ye, madam," said Duncan,
"the gentleman was only sharpening his teeth."
AFFECTATION AND HYPOCRISY.
Affectation is to be always distinguished from hypocrisy,
as being the art of counterfeiting those qualities which
we might, with innocence and safety, be known to want.
Hypocrisy is the natural burden of villany, affectation
part of the chosen trappings of folly.
AN AMERICAN DEACON.
The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large porkpacking establishment, and placed himself at the head of
the scalding trough, watch in hand, to time the length
of the scald, crying,  "Hog in," when the slaughtered
hog was to be thrown into the trough, and "Hog out,"
when the watch told three minutes.  One week the
press of business compelled the packers to unusually hard
labour, and Saturday night found the deacon completely
exhausted.  Indeed, he was almost sick the next morning when church time came; but he was a leading
member, and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. He went, but soon fell asleep.




itVi7 an.d Wtisdom.            209
The minister preached a sermon well calculated for
effect.  His peroration was a climax of beauty.  Assuming the attitude of one intently listening, he recited
to the breathless auditory" Hark! they whisper: angels say" —
" Hog in! " came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian
voice.  The astonished audience turned their attention
fiom the preacher.  He went on, however, unmoved" Sister spirit, come away"" Hog out!" shouted the deacon: "tally four."
SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSING.
Two gentlemen but slightly acquainted with each other
were sitting in the pit of Drury Lane Theatre, when,
seeing two ladies come into a box opposite to them, one
said to the other, ")Do you know who that ugly old
woman is with the straw bonnet on, that has just entered
that box?"      That lady, sir," was the reply, "is my
sister."       0  dear," said the other, greatly confused,
" you mistake me.  I mean that shabby-looking old
hag with her."  " That, sir," was the reply, " that is
my wife."
How WOMEN ARE DUPED BY FLATTERY.
Sensible women have often been the dupes of designing
men, thus:-They have taken an opportunity of praising
them to their own confidant, but with a solemn injunc



2 10            Book of Humour,
tion to secrecy.   The confidant, however, as they
know, will infallibly inform her principal the first moment she sees her; and this is a mode of flattery which
always succeeds.  Even those females who nauseate
flattery in any other shape, will not reject it in this;
just as we can bear the light of the sun without pain,
when reflected by the moon.
WOOING IN POETRY.
An old gentleman of the name of Page, finding a young
lady's glove at a watering-place, presented it to her with
the following words:" If from your glove you take the letter G,
Your glove is love, which I devote to thee."
To which the lady returned the following answer:"If from your Page you take the letter P,
Your Page is age, and that won't do for me."
A  YANKEE GENERAL " SCOTCHED."
An American general was in company where some
Scotch gentlemen were present.  After supper, when
the wine was served up, the general rose, and addressed
the company in the following words: —"Gentlemen, I
must inform you, that when I get a little too much to
drink, I have an absurd custom  of railing against the
Scotch; I hope no gentleman in company will take it
amiss."  With this he sat down.  A  Scotch gentle



Wit and  /Wisdom.               211
man immediately rose, and without seeming the least
displeased, said, " Gentlemen, I, when I have drunk
rather freely, and hear any person railing against the
Scotch, have an absurd custom of kicking him out of
the company; I hope no gentleman will take it amiss."
It is said, that on that occasion the Scotchman had no
opportunity for the exercise of his talents.
A  LAWrYER's REPLY.
A  gentleman having occasion to call on a solicitor,
found him in his office, which was very hot.  He remarked the great heat of the apartment, and said, " it
was hot as an oven."  " So it ought to be," replied the
lawyer, "for'tis here I make my bread."
AN ACTOR's COLD.
Mr. Lumley, in his " Reminiscences of the Opera,"
relates the following anecdote of Ronconi, the celebrated actor and singer:-Illnesses, be it understood,
were not confined to the vieille garde.  Ronconi was
continually afflicted, with an aLbssamento di voce by
superior command, when his female counsellor fretted
under the mortification of not being allowed to sing.
One afternoon, not long before the performance, when
Ronconi had written to say that one of these abassamend
prevented his singing, I visited him with the physician.
The singer expressed his regrets in a hollow whisper.




212              Book of zIII0mou1;
But Ronconi's consummate powers as an actor were
not unknown to me, and I naturally doubted the reality
of this whispering performance.  Affecting to be its
dupe, however, I proceeded to talk upon a topic which
I knew would greatly interest the supposed invalid. In
a moment Ronconi warmed up, the feigned voice was
forgotten, and the wonted tones burst forth in the animation of the discourse.  Caught in the fact, the singer
ascribed his marvellous recovery to the mere presence of
the doctor.  He sang that night, and with more than
usual vigour.  The abassamenti, it was found, generally
occurred when Ronconi was cast to sing with Frezzolini,
whom his wife detested.
SINCERE FLATTERY.'hose who imitate us in our actions and sayings are the
sincerest of flatterers.
ENDURABLE HATRED.
The hate which we all bear with the most Christian
patience, is the hate of those who envy us.
A BRIEF SERMON.
Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon at St.
Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many
of his auditors; which coming to his knowledge, and




Wit;and  VWisdom.              213
it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon
of the like kind in the same place, he took special care
to avoid falling into the former error.  His text on the
second occasion was, " He that hath pity upon the poor
lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given
will he pay him again."  The Dean, after repeating his
text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, added,
" Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this
loan; if you like the security, down with your dust."
A  PULPIT JOKE.
At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular
call, two candidates offered to preach, of the names of
Adam and Low.  The last preached in the morning,
and took for his text, " Adam, where art thou?"  He
made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation
were  much edified.   In the evening Mr. Adam
preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am  I! "
The impromptu and his sermon gained him the church.
THE AMERICAN EAGLE.
This emblem of the United States is thus spoken of by
Benjamin Franklin:-For my part, I wish the bald eagle
had not been chosen as the representative of our country.
He is a bird of bad moral character-he does not get
his living honestly.  You may have seen him  perched
on some dead tree, where, too lazy to fish for himself,




2I4              Book of Humouzr,
he watches the labours of the fishing-hawk; and when
that diligent bird has at length taken a fish, and is bearing it to his nest for the support of his mate and young
ones, the bald eagle pursues him and takes it from him.
\Vith all this injustice, he is never in good case; but,
like those among men who live by sharping and robbing,
he is generally poor.  Besides, he is a rank coward;
the little king-bird, not bigger than a sparrow, attacks
him boldly and drives him out of the district.
THE POWER OF IDLENESS.
It is a mistake to imagine that only the violent passions,
such as ambition and love, can triumph over the rest.
Idleness, languid as she is, often masters them all: she
indeed influences all our designs and actions, and insensibly consumes and destroys both passions and virtues.
DIPLOMATISTS AND MUSIC.
Mr. Lumley thus speaks of the passion generally entertained by statesmen for music:-During the short sojourn of the Emperor Nicholas in England, the veteran
diplomatist, Count Nesselrode, by whom he was accompanied, was on one occasion my guest.  I took the
liberty of asking the count the secret of his prolonged
youth, when he replied, " Music and flowers."   This
anecdote may serve (as far as it goes) to confirm an observation which has been made, to the effect that long



Wit alzd Wisdom.                215
lived diplomatists have generally cultivated a love for
music.  The present distinguished ambassador of Russia
at the British Court (who accompanied the Russian
chancellor on the visit referred to) is himself an enlightened connoisseur of the art.  The late Duke of
Wellington was one of the most constant supporters of
the opera.  Prince Paul Esterhazy, Count Rechberg,
Lord Westmoreland, and others, might also be enumerated.
HENRY VIII. AND SIR T. MORE.
Henry VIII. appointed Sir T. More to carry an angry
message to Francis I. of France.  Sir Thomas told him
he feared, if he carried such a message to so violent a
king as Francis, it might cost him his head.  " Never
fear," said the king, " if Francis should cut off your
head, I would make every Frenchman now in London
a head shorter."  " I am obliged to your Majesty,"
said Sir Thomas, "but I much fear if any of their
heads will fit my shoulders."
RACHEL THE FRENCH ACTRESS.
The excitement caused by the intensity of Rachel's
acting is thus recorded by Mr. Lumley:-In " Bajazet,"
ill "Andromaque," in "Marie Stuart," she electrified
the house; and even in the monotonous " Ariane " of
Thomas Corneille, and the dull " Tancrede " of Voltaire, she worked up her audience by the force of her




216              Book of Humour,
impersonations to a state of frantic admiration.  Great
indeed must have been the power of this young actress
to have not only reconciled the English taste to the
uncongenial classicalities of French c" legitimate" tragedy,
but to have produced in her audience a positive enthusiasm.  It is a genuine fact, that many ladies fainted
from  emotion during these representations.  One was
carried insensible fiom the theatre, in spite of all efforts
to recover her.  On this circumstance being told to an
American manager, he exclaimed, " Oh, that's nothing!
She ought to have died in the theatre.  The effect
would have been tremendous-what a good puff lost! "
The humble origin of Mademoiselle Rachel is well
known, but few perhaps are aware that she had not received in her youth the commonest rudiments of education, and that she taught herself writing merely by copying the manuscript of others.  On her first introduction
into high society, she was greatly embarrassed by the
conventions of the table; and the question that once
arose in her mind, at a grand dinner, as to the proper
use of the knife and fork in the consumption of asparagus,
was infinitely embarrassing.
HEALTH AND WEALTH.
There is this difference between those two temporal
blessings, health and money: money is the most envied,
but the least enjoyed; health is the most enjoyed, but
the least envied; and this superiority of the latter is still




Wit and Wisdom.                217
more obvious, when we reflect that the poorest man.
would not part with health for money, but that the
richest would gladly part with all their money for health.
LORD BYRON'S CHILDREN.
Two gentlemen were on one occasion discussing the
genius of Lord Byron as a poet.  " By the by," said
one of them, when the discussion was over, " do you
know how many children his lordship had?"  " Certainly," said the other; " he had only one child-'Ada, sole daughter of my house and heart! "
" Yes," said his friend, " he had another, you knowChilde Harold was his also."
AN IRISHMAN S IDEA OF POSTHUMOUS WORKS.
An Irishman being asked by a fiiend what was meant
by an author's posthumous works, replied, that " they
were the works an author wrote after he was dead.-"
THE POWER OF LATIN.
An  American paper records that Andrew  Jackson
was once making a stump  speech  out west, in  a
small village.  Just as he was concluding, Amos
Kendall, who sat behind him, whispered, "'Tip'elm
a little  Latin, General.   They won't be  content
without it."  Jackson instantly thought upon a few




2I              Book of Humour,
phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder, wound up
his speech by exclaiming, "E pluribus unum-sine qua
non-ne plus ultra-multum in parvo."  The effect was
tremendous, and the shouts could be heard for many miles.
A  QUAKER'S WIT.
A clergyman, thinking to puzzle a Quaker, asked him,
" Where was your religion before George Fox lived?"
" Where thine was," said the Quaker, "before Harry
Tudor's time.  Now," added the Quaker, " pray let me
ask thee a question.-Where was Jacob going when he
was turned ten years of age?  Canst thou tell that?"
" No, nor you either," said the clergyman. "Yes I can,"
replied the Quaker, "he was going into his eleventh
year."
DOCTORS' COMMONS WIT.
A farmer fiom the country, going into the Will Office
in Doctors' Commons, and observing the large volumes
ranged along the wall, inquired if they were all Bibles.
" No," replied an attendant, " they are all tcstaments
though."
A GOOD TRANSLATION.
Dryden's translation of Virgil being commended by a
right reverend bishop, a wit remarked, "The original
is excellent; but everything suffers by translation-except a bishop."




Wit and Wisdom.                  219
A  WITTY SOLDIER.
A  dragoon was tried in Dublin for deserting, and for
carrying off his horse and accoutrements at the same
time.  When on his trial, an officer asked him what
could induce him  to take his horse away.  To which
the culprit replied, that he ran away with him.  " What,"
said the officer, "did you do with the money you sold
him for?"  "That, please your honour," said the fellow,
with the utmost inrdifference, " ran away too."
MADAME SONTAG.
After many years' retirement from public life, this lady
reappeared on the stage which she had adorned in her
youth.  Mr. Lumley, the manager of Her Majesty's
Theatre, where she reappeared, thus describes her wonderful fascination, even in advanced life:-All had felt
that it must be a marvel, if, after more than twenty years,
this gifted prima donna could return with her powers unimpaired.  Yet the marvel was here-an unquestionable
fact.  Her voice was "as fresh, pure, and beautiful
as ever."   Madame Sontag brought back an artistic
skill, matured and perfected by the continued study
which, since her retirement, had been to her a labour of
love.  The beauty, which  had exercised so great a
fascination over an elder generation, was, strange to say,
but little changed.   It was remodelled rather than




220             Look of  Lumiour,
eriTced, whilst the figure seemed almost untouched by
time.  The pleasing contour of the face, the beaming
and expressive eye, and, above all, the winning smile
which formerly had stolen away so many hearts, were
all there.  Men declared, that with the most clear
and searching of opera-glasses, they could not give her
more than five-and-twenty.  She was in truth a living
marvel!  And, more strange than all, the Sontag who
had been deemed by a former generation somewhat
deficient as an actress (although the most exquisite of
soprano singers), was discovered to have warmth, animation, expression, even power, as a dramatic artist!
The fascination of her histrionic talent came to be as
great as that of her faultless execution.
THE CHINESE AND DEAD LANGUAGES.
The ignorance of the Chinese may be attributed to their
language.  A  literary Chinese must spend half his life
in acquiring a thorough knowledge of it.  The use of
metaphor, which may be said to be the algebra of language,
is unknown amongst them.  And as a language, after all,
is made up only of the signs and counters of knowledge,
he that is obliged to lose so much time in acquiring the
sign, will have but little of the thing.  So complete is
the ignorance of this conceited nation, on many points,
that very curious brass models of all the mechanical
powers, which the French government had sent over as
a present, they considered to be meant as toys for the




Wit and Wisdom.                 221
amusement of the grandchildren of the emperor.  And
the late Sir George Staunton has been heard to declare,
that the costly mathematical instruments made by Ramsden and Dollond, and taken to Pekin by Lord Macartney,
were as utterly useless to the Chinese, as a steam-engine
to an Esquimaux, or a loom  to a Hottentot.  The
father of Montaigne, not inaptly to this subject, has
observed, that the tedious time which we moderns employ in acquiring the language of the ancient Greeks
and Romans, which cost them  nothing, is the principal
reason why we cannot arrive at that grandeur of soul
and perfection of knowledge that was in them.  But
the learned languages, after all, are indispensable to form
the gentleman and the scholar, and are well worth all
the labour that they cost us, provided they are valued
not for themselves alone, which would make a pedant,
but as a foundation for farther acquirements.
THE DOCTOR AND HIS PATIENTS.
A certain eminent physician, being invited to a dinnerparty, arrived at the house of his host at a somewhat
earlier hour than had been named as the dinner-hour,
He accordingly strolled out of the house into a churchyard which was hard by.  When dinner was announced
the doctor was absent, and an inquiry was made as to
where he was. "'Oh," said one of the guests, who
had seen him in the churchyard, " he is paying a visit
to some of his old patients."




222              Book of Humour,
ARISTIPPUS AND THE CYNIC.
The cynic who twitted Aristippus, the disciple of So
crates, by observing that the philosopher who could dine
on herbs might despise the company of a king, was well
replied to by Aristippus, when he remarked that the
philosopher who could enjoy the company of a king,
might also despise a dinner of herbs.
FRANKLIN'S NOTION OF SAYING GRACE.
When a child, he found the long graces used by
his father before and after meals very tedious.   One
day, after the winter's provision had been salted, " I
think, father," said Benjamin, "if you were to say grace
over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great
saving of time."
How TO SELL CHEAPLY.
A  lady seeing at the window of a linen-draper, who
had not long been in business, that very common lure,
" The goods of this shop selling under prime cost i "
stepped into a friend's who happened to live within
two or three doors, and inquired whether he thought
his neighbour was really selling under prime cost, and
would let her have any good bargains    "As to bargains," replied her fiiend, "I am  really at a loss to




Wit alld Wisdom.                 223
answer; but with respect to selling under prime cost,
that I can most positively assure you must be impossible;
for to my certain  knowledge, he has never paid  a
single farthing for anything he has in his shop."
RESIGNATION UNDER CALAMITY.
The severest, the sublimest, and perhaps the most meritorious virtues of which we are capable, are patience
and composure under distress, pain, and affliction; a
steadfast keeping up of our confidence in God, and our
dependence upon his final goodness, even at the time that
everything present is discouraging and adverse; and,
what is no less difficult to retain, a cordial desire for
the happiness and comfort of others, even then when
we are deprived of our own.  The possession of this
temper is almost the perfection of our nature.  But it
is then only possessed, when it is put to the trial; tried
at all, it could not have been in a life, made up only of
pleasure and gratification.   Few  things are easier to
perceive, to feel, to acknowledge, to extol the goodness
of God, the bounty of Providence, the beauties of
nature, when all things go well, when our health, our
spirits, our circumstances, conspire to fill our hearts with
gladness, and our tongues with praise. This is easy, this
is delightful. None but they who are sunk in sensuality,
sottishness, and stupefaction, or whose understandings
are dissipated by frivolous pursuits; none but the most
giddy and insensible, can be destitute of these sentiments.




224              Book of Humlozir,
But this is not the trial or the proof.  It is in the
chambers of sickness; under the stroke of affliction,
amidst the pinchings of want, the groans of pain, the
pressures of infirmity; in grief, in misfortune; through
gloom and horror-that it will be seen, whether we hold
fast our hope, our confidence, our trust in God; whether
this hope and confidence be able to produce in us resignation, acquiescence, and submission.  And as those dispositions, which perhaps, fiom  the comparative perfection of our moral nature, could not have been exercised
in a world of unmixed gratification, so neither would
they have found their proper office or object in a state
of strict and evident retribution; that is, in which we
had no sufferings to submit to, but what were evidently
and manifestly the punishment of our sins.  A  mere
submission to punishment evidently and plainly such
would not have constituted-at least, would very imperfectly have constituted-the disposition we speak ofr-the
true resignation of a Christian.
JAMES II. AND MILTON.
James II., when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton
the poet, and asked him if he did not think the loss of
sight was a judgment upon him for what he had written
against his father, Charles I.  The poet answered, if
his Highness thought his loss of sight a judgment upon
him, he wished to know what he thought of his father's
losing his head.




Wit and Wisdom.                225
BEAU NASH AND DR. CHEYNE.
When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne
wrote a prescription for him.  The next day the doctor,
coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed
his prescription.  " No, truly, doctor," said Nash; " it
I had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it
out of the bedroom window."
A DEAN OF OXFORD AND UNDERGRADUATES.
A  certain Dean, passing one day through the streets of
Oxford, met several undergraduates, who passed him
without removing their caps.  The Dean called one of
them, and asked, "Do you know me?"  "No, sir."
"How  long have you been at College?"   "Eight
days, sir."  " Oh, very well," said the Dean, continuing his walk away; "puppies, I remember, don't open
their eyes till the ninth day."
REPLY TO A WIFE-HUNTER.
A. person advertised, in a Yankee paper, for a wife,
requesting every one who replied to enclose her carts
de visite.  One lady who replied declined to enclose
her carte, remarking, that, "though there is some authority for putting a cart before a horse, there is none for
putting one before an ass."
Q




226             Book of Humour,
ANGER.
The intoxication of anger, like that of the grape, shows
us to others, but hides us from ourselves; and we injure
our own cause, in the opinion of the world, when we
too passionately and eagerly defend it.  Neither will
all men be disposed to view our quarrels precisely in
the same light that we do; and a man's blindness to his
own defects will ever increase in proportion as he is
angry with others, or pleased with himself.
AN UNGALLANT EXPLANATION.
The teeth of a certain talkative lady being loose, she
asked a gentleman if he could explain the cause of it.
He replied, that " it proceeded from the violent shocks
she gave them with her tongue."
C" WHAT'S IN A NAME? 
A person passing through a certain town, and observing
upon a door the name 6 Haswell," remarked that the
gentleman's name would be as well without the H."
HARD UFON THE LAWYERS.
The renowned Peter the Great, being at Westminster
Hall in term  time, and seeing multitudes of people




Wit and Wisdom.                227
swarming about the courts of law, is said to have
inquired what all those busy people were, and what
they were about; and being told that they were lawyers, replied, " Lawyers! why, I have but four in my
whole kingdom, and I design to hang two of them as
soon as I get home."
A WITTY PARSON.
On Sterne's entering a coffee-room at York, a conceited
fellow, staring him full in the face, said he hated a
parson; upon which Sterne said, "And so, sir, does
my dog, for as soon as I put on my gown and cassock,
he commences to bark."  "Indeed," replied the offender,  how long has he done so?"  " Ever since he
was a puppy, sir," answered Sterne, "and I still look
upon him as one.",A DOUBTFUL MATCH.
It was told Lord Chesterfield that a lady, who was a
great termagant, was married to a gamester; on which
his lordship said, " that cards and brimstone made the
best matches."
GRANTING AND REFUSING FAVOURS.
There are some who refuse a favour so graciously as to
please us even by the refusal; and there are others who




228            Book of Humour,
confer an obligation so clumsily, that they please us less
by the measure than they disgust us by the manner of a
kindness, as puzzling to our feelings as the politeness of
one who, if we had dropped our handkerchief, should
present it unto us with a pair of tongs.
How TO GO TO LAW.
A lady inquired of an attorney what were the requisites
for going to law? to which he replied, " Why, it depends upon a number of circumstances.  In the first
place, you must have a good cause; secondly, a good
attorney; thirdly, a good counsel; fourthly, good evidence; fifthly, a good jury; sixthly, a good judge;
and lastly, good luck."
A  REPLY OF FONTENELLE'S.
Fontenelle, the celebrated French author, being one day
asked at Versailles, what difference there was between
a clock and a woman, replied, " A clock serves to point
out the hours, and a woman to make us forget them."
RETURNING A VISIT.
Two gentlemen having a difference, one went to the
other's door early in the morning, and wrote " Scoundrel" upon it.  The other called upon his neighbour,
and was answered by a servant that his master was not




Wit and WTisdon.               229
at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave
it with him.  " No, no," said he, " I have nothing of
importance to say.  I only wished to return your master's visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning."
ANECDOTE OF DR. PARR.
Dr. Parr, who was not very delicate in the choice of
his expressions, when heated by argument or contradiction, once called a clergyman a fool, who, in fact, was
not much better.  The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop.  "Do," said the
doctor,   and my Lord Bishop will confirm you."
POVERTY AND RICHES.
If rich, it is easy enough to conceal our wealth; but, if
poor, it is not quite so easy to conceal our poverty.
We shall find that it is less difficult to hide a thousand
guineas than one hole in our coat.
A LADY'S WIT.
A young man, in a large company, descanting very flippantly on a subject, his knowledge of which was evidently very superficial, a lady present asked his name.
"'Tis Scarlett," replied a gentleman who stood by.
" Indeed," said the lady, " then I am sure he belies his
name, for I am sure he is not deep read."




230             Book of H2umo1ur.
A STUDENT'S GARMENT.
A poor student, whose coat was much too short for
him on hearing this remarked on, said, " Never mind;
it will be bong enozughk before I get another."
THE TOBACCONIST'S MOTTO.
A tobacconist having set up his carriage, in order to
anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion,
displayed on it the Latin motto of " Quid rides?" (At
what do you laugh?)  Two sailors, who had often
used his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the
one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his
companion said it was plain enough, repeating them as
two English words, Quid rides.
HIBERNIAN ARITHMETIC.
An Irish barrister, having lost a cause which had been
tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed an
able lawyer, the other two very poor ones, a brother
counsel was merry on the occasion.  " Why," said
the barrister who had lost the cause, " who could help
it, when there were a hundred judges on the bench, and
all against me?" "A hundred," said the other, " there
were but three."  " By St. Patrick  " replied. the barrister, " there was a figure of one and two cyphers."




Wit and Wisdom.                 231
TRUTH AND FALSEHOOD.
Falsehood, like a drawing in perspective, will not bear
to be examined in every point of view, because it is a
good imitation of truth, as a perspective is of the reality,
only in one.  But truth, like that reality of which the
perspective is the representation, will bear to be scrutinized in all points of view, and though examined under
every situation, is one and the same.
CURIOus ADVERTISEMENT.
The following is a verbatim  copy of an advertisement
which appeared in a daily paper: — anted for a winemerchant's house in the city, as a porter, an athletic
man, of a serious countenance, a good character, and
the Lady Huntingdon persuasion; must attend prayers
twice a day, and divine service four times on Sunday;
be able to bear confinement; have the fear of God before his eyes, and be able to carry two hundred-weight.
Wages, fourteen shillings a week and find himself.
COCKLE SAUCE.
A countryman, on a trial respecting the right of a fishery,
was cross-examined by Sergeant Cockle, who, among
many other questions, asked the witness, " Do you love
fish?"   "Yea," said the witness with a look of sim



232             Book of Hutmour,
plicity, " but I donna like Coc/e sauce with it."  A
roar of laughter followed, in which the Sergeant joined
with great good humour.
REVENGE.
Revenge is a debt, in the paying of which the greatest
knave is honest and sincere, and, so far as he is able,
punctual.  But there is a difference between a debt of
revenge and every other debt.  By paying our other
debts, we are equal with all mankind; but in refusing
to pay a debt of revenge, we are superior.
IMPORTANCE OF PUNCTUALITY.
Boileau is said to have been very exact in keeping his
engagements at dinner, remarking that the quarter of an
hour which a person makes a company wait for him at
dinner, is employed in finding out his faults, or inventing
some for him.
SINGING THE ATHANASIAN CREED.
A clergyman in a small town in a remote part of England refused to read the Athanasian Creed, though
repeatedly desired to do so by his parishioners.  The
parishioners complained to the bishop, who ordered it to
be read.  Now this Creed is appointed to be said or
sung, and the clergyman accordingly, on the following




Wit and Wisdom.                 233
Sunday, thus addressed his congregation: " Next
follows Athanasius's Creed, either to be said or sung,
and with Heaven's leave I'll sing it.-Now, clerk,
mind what you are about."  When they both struck
up, and sung. it with great glee to a fox-hunting tune,
which, having been previously practised, was well performed.  The parishioners again met, and informed the
bishop of what they called the indecorum; but the bishop
said that their pastor was right, for it was so ordered;
upon which they declared that they would dispense with
the Creed in future.
A COXCOMB REPROVED.
When Quin the actor was one day lamenting his growing
old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would give
to be as young as he.  " I would be content," replied
Quin, " to be as foolish."
OPERATIC DISCORDS.
In his book on the Opera, Mr. Lumley thus feelingly
describes the difficulties and anxieties that a manager
has to undergo: —There are jealousies, feuds, and intrigues going on in the scenic holes and corners of every
theatre, but nowhere to such an extent as at the Italian
Opera.  There Madame G. protests against playing in
the same piece as Signor H.; and Signor D. gives
notice that he will be ill if MadIle. K. be permitted to




234              Book of Hzumour,
sing in the same opera with him.  Signora L. must
have Signor M., and no one else, to play with her;
and, to crown all, theprima donna has a cold, sore throat,
fever, spasms, and "the thousand ills that flesh is heir
to," and cannot sing in the advertised opera.  All these
germs of rebellion, sprouting forth under one roof, at
the same moment, would perplex an old manager, and
are enough to drive a new one mad.   Ronconi and
Frezzolini are at loggerheads, and won't meet at rehearsal.  Grisi refuses to allow anybody else the use of
her Pollione.  Poor Moltini has unconsciously offended
Persiani, by singing so well last Thursday, when she
could not.  Madame Ronconi vows that her caro sposo
shall not play his favourite part in "Torquato Tasso,"
unless she herself personates his adored Leonora; and
Signor Poggi cannot sing in the "Bravo," which requires
two tenors, because the other gentleman of the establishment refuses to play c second fiddle."
PRIDE CHECKED.
William  Penn and Thomas Story, travelling together
in Virginia, being caught in a shower of rain, unceremoniously sheltered themselves from it in a tobaccohouse; the owner of which happening to be in, thus
accosted them:-" You have a great deal of impudence
to trespass on my premises-you enter without leave.
Do you know who I am?"  To which was answered
"No."  "Why, then, I would have you to know that I




lWVit and Wisdom.               235
am a justice of the peace."   Thomas Story replied,
"My friend here makes such things as thou art; he is
the governor of Pennsylvania."  The would-be great
man quickly abated his haughtiness.
AN IRISHMAN'S TELESCOPE.
A gentleman remarked one day to an Irishman, that
the science of optics was now brought to such perfection,
that by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at an incredible distance.
My dear fellow," replied the Irishman, " I have one
at my house in the county of Wexford that will be a
match for it; it brought the church of Enniscorthy so
near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing Psalms."
FoOD FOR FISHES.
David Hume and Lady W. once crossed the Forth
together, when a violent storm rendered the passengers
apprehensive that they should be drowned, and her ladyship's terrors induced her to seek consolation from her
friend, who with infinite sangfroid assured her he thought
there was great probability of theirbecoming food for fishes.
" And pray, my dear friend," said Lady W.,  "which do
you think they will eat first-you or me?"  "Those
that are gluttons," replied Hume, "will undoubtedly fall
foul of me, but the epicures will attack your ladyship."




2 3 6              ook of HZumour,
A GROUNDLESS REPORT.
A gentleman meeting an old friend whom he had not
seen for a long time, congratulated him on lately coming
into the possession of a large landed estate.  "There
was such a report," replied the other, "but I assure
you that it was quite groundless."
POPE OUTDONE.
Pope, the poet, who was diminutive in statule and deformed, sneering at the ignorance of a young man,
asked him if he knew what a note of interrogation was.
" Yes," said he, "it is a little crooked thing that asks
questions."
THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN AND ROBERT THE DEVIL.
The difficulties attending the first appearance of the
renowned songstress, Jenny Lind, in this country, are
thus narrated by Mr. Lumley, the manager under whose
auspices she first appeared before an English audience:
A few days after Mademoiselle Lind's first appearance
at rehearsal, I received an official communication from
Lord Spencer, the then Lord Chamberlain, peremptorily prohibiting the representation of " Roberto il
Diavolo," though the work had been already performed
by French and English operatic companies; and a melo



Wit and Wisdom.                  237
drama, embracing all the incidents of its libretto, had
been brought out at the Adelphi, shortly after its production at Paris.  What was I to do?  To have told
Mademoiselle Lind of the obstacle at such a moment
would have been fatal, for she had set her heart on
making her debut in the character of Alice, and would
not have heard of any opera but' Roberto."   Nor
was this predilection founded on mere caprice-for she
had said to me, " If the emotion takes away my voice,
I can at least show  that I can act-and besides, the
entree will give me a few  moments to recover my selfpossession."  I called on Lord Spencer, renowned as
a gallant naval officer, but evidently inexperienced in
theatrical affairs. Referring to the subject of" Roberto,"
he said: " Why, one might as well bring the devil on
the stage at once;" as if the stage had not already
been frequently occupied by " Faust " and his Mephistopheles, the "Frieschutz" and his Zamiel, " Don
Giovanni " with his troop of demons, serious and burlesqued.  I explained to him that by this novel act of
authority he was passing a censure not only on his pre.
decessors in office, but likewise on all the courts in
Europe; for which of them had not honoured Meyerbeer's chef d'euvre with  his patronage?  At last,
through the kind intervention of the late Mr. Anson, a
man justly honoured with the confidence of the Court,
I overcame all difficulties.  "Roberto il Diavolo"
was duly licensed, and the eventful night arrived.




238             Book of Humour,
A CANDIDATE FOR MATRIMONY.
A young girl who had an offer of marriage which she
wished to accept, submitted the matter to her father,
who advised her against matrimony, using as an argument the quotation from St. Paul: " They who marry
do well; but they who do not, do better."    Well,"
said the damsel, " I love to do well, let those do better
who can."
A  SHARP WITNESS.
A  humorous man being subpoenaed as a witness on a
trial for an assault, one of the counsel, who was notorious for brow-beating witnesses, asked him  what distance he was from the parties when the assault happened;
he answered, " Just four feet five inches and a half."
"How  come you to be so very exact?" said the
counsel.  "Because I expected some fool or other
would ask me," said he, " and so 1 measured it."
AN OPERA-HOUSE RIOT.
During M. Laporte's management of Her Majesty's
Theatre, a memorable riot occurred.  Owing to the
high terms required by the eminent singer, Tamburini,
the manager, at the commencement of a fresh season,
declined to engage him.  The  "row " that ensued on
the great singer's non-appearance is thus described by




Wit anzd Wisdom.                239
Mr. Lumley:-The famous omnibus boxes were filled,
towards the conclusion of the opera, with the fashionable
allies of the coalition; and it was from this quarter that,
on the fall of the curtain, the uproar first commenced.
Shouts of " Tamburini!"  Laporte 1" " Tamburini!"
were taken up and echoed by partisans, and easily-led
public clamourers, in various parts of the house; whilst
many of the genuine public raised the counter-cries of;" Shame! "  6 No intimidation I " 6 Don't be bullied I"
and even evidenced their sense of the real cause of the
disturbance by shouting " Turn out the omnibus!" responded to by the occupants with cries of " You had
better try."   Several times M. Laporte appeared, and
endeavoured to address the audience, but the deafening
clamour rendered him  inaudible.  Yells, hisses, shouts,
overpowered every other sound. A sort of stormy conference took place, during this scene of confusion, between the manager and the tenants of the omnibus
boxes, whose rage seemed to increase as the " row "
warmed their blood.  The curtain at last rose upon
the ballet.  Cerito was that evening to have made her
first appearance.  For more than an hour the scared
coryphees stood ready to begin.  In vain!  For the
fourth time M. Laporte appeared.  He seemed to have
succumbed, for, in answer to direct appeals on the point,
he promised to make propositions to Tamburini.  But
even this did not appear sufficient to the originators of
the row.  They still hooted, and, at last, the whole of
the noble and fashionable occupants of the omnibus




240             Book of HuZtourZL
boxes leaped on the stage, among them a young prince
of the blood.  The curtain now fell definitively, and,
amidst the sympathetic cheers of one portion of the
house and the hootings of another, the gallant chevaliers
of the " omnibus" waved their hats triumphantly, and
shouted " Victory I"
AN ELOQUENT CLERGYMAN.
Two clergymen were conversing together, when one
complained to the other that he found it a great hardship to preach twice on a Sunday.  "Well," said the
other, " I preach three times, and mnale nothing of it."
AN IRISH BULL.
At one time at Gibraltar there was a great scarcity of
water.  An Irish officer said, " he was very easy about
the matter, for he had nothing to do with water; if he
only got his tea in the morning, and punch at night, it
was all that he wanted."
THE KING AND THE JUDGE.
Judge D —-— married the sister of Mr. P —, who
killed a gentleman unfairly.  He applied to King
George I. to pardon his relation, confessing at the sametime that little could be urged in his favour; but hoped
his Majesty would save him  and his family from  the




Wlit and Wisdoz.               241
infamy of P —'s execution. " So, Mr. Judge," says
the king, " what you want is, that I should transfer the
infamy from you and your family, to me and my family."
ANECDOTE OF LORD LYNDHURST.
A story is told of Lord Lyndhurst, who sat as a judge
on an occasion when, in a prosecution for counterfeiting money, a gardener, who had discovered one of the
implements used for the purpose, was examined by Mr
Clarkson, the barrister.  " So, sir," said the learned
counsel, " you went to sow the seeds of this prosecution."  " No, Mr. Clarkson," said Lord Lyndhurst,
"he only found the mould."
CONJUGAL DIFFERENCES.
A lady who was constantly quarrelling with her husband, expressed her surprise that they disagreed so
frequently " for," said she, " we agree uniformly in one
grand point: he wishes to be master, and so do I."
JACK REEVE AND HIS RAZORS.
A story is told of poor Jack Reeve the actor.  One
day when he was going out on some expedition with a
friend who was waiting for him, he had to go through the
process of shaving.  His razor was utterly unfit for the
operation; its condition somewhat resembling a saw.
R




242            Book of Huzmour,
Turning round coolly to his attendant, a sharp-looking
London boy, he expostulated thus:' Dick, don't open
any more oysters with my razors."
OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.
Bubb Doddington was very lethargic.  Falling asleep
one day, after dinner, with Sir Richard Temple and
Lord Cobham, the latter reproached Doddington with
his drowsiness.  Doddington denied that he had been
asleep; and, to prove that he had not, offered to repeat
all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged
him  to do so.  Doddington repeated a story; and
Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. " Well,"
said Doddington, " and yet I did not hear a word of
it; but I went to sleep because I knew that about that
time of day you would tell that story."
MRS. MOUNTFORD'S LAST APPEARANCE ON THE STAGE.
M. Esquiros in his work, "The English at Home,"
relates the following anecdote:-Love had deprived
her of reason, and she was confined in a madhouse,
when, one day, during a lucid interval, she asked what
was the piece to be performed that evening at the
theatre.  The answer she received was to the effect
that it was " Hamlet."   She remembered that she had
always been partial to the character of " Ophelia,"
and, with the cunning that frequently characterises the




T Vit and WVisdom.               243
insane, she escaped towards evening fiom  the asylum,
went to the theatre, and, concealed in the side scenes,
awaited the moment when Ophelia was to appear in a
state of madness.  She glided on to the stage at the
moment when the actress who had played the first portion  of the part was about to make her entrance.
Imagine the surprise of the audience at the sight of
another face, which had the eyes, expression, voice,
and gestures of the ideal girl dreamed of by Shakespere I It was no longer an actress, but Ophelia herself;
it was madness, but intelligent madness, at once graceful
and terrible.  Nature  had  made a supreme  effort.
" Now," the actress exclaimed, on leaving the theatre,
" all is over."  Mrs. Mountford died a few days later.
RICHARD WHATELY AND NASSAU SENIOR.
The following account of the appointment of Whately
to the Archbishopric of Dublin is fiom " Blackwood's
Magazine: —The late Mr. Nassau Senior, going in
for his bachelor's degree, was plucked.  He failed, ii
we recollect right, in divinity-to break down in which,
as it formed the first subject on which the aspirant was
then examined, rendered fruitless any amount of general
learning, and insured immediate rejection. Nowise distrustful of himself, Mr. Senior determined to try again
at the next examination; and, in the meanwhile, looked
out for a private tutor with whom to read.  He called
upon Whately, and expressed a wish to be received by




244             Book of Humozur,
him  as a pupil.  Whately, never very tender of the
feelings of others, though as little delighting in the pain
which he inflicted as man could well do, scarcely took
the trouble to look his visitor in the face, but answered,
" You were plucked, I believe.  I never receive pupils
unless I see reason to assume that they mean to aspire
at honours."  " I mean to aspire at honours," replied
Senior. " You do, do you?" was the answer. " May
I ask what class you intend to take?"  " A first class,"
said Senior, coolly.  Whately's brow  relaxed.  He
seemed tickled with the idea that a lad who had been
plucked in November should propose to get into the
first class in March; and he at once desired Senior
to come to be coached.  Never were tutor and pupil
better matched.  Senior read hard-went up, as he
had proposed to do, into the schools in March-and
came out of them with the highest honours which the
examining masters could confer.  Senior and Whately
became fast friends at once; and to Senior, more perhaps than to Earl Grey himself, Whately was, in point
of fact, indebted for his advancement to the See of Dublin.  For Senior, a man of great talent-which a very
silly manner and a vast amount of vanity could not mar
-made himself useful to the Whigs in various ways,
and was especially consulted by them in the preparation
of their new Poor Law. It happened that, during an interview with Earl Grey, the latter spoke of the death of
Archbishop Magee, and of the difficulty which he experienced in finding a successor for that prelate from




.Wit aznd Wisdom.               245
among a body so tinctured as the more eminent of the
clergy then were with Toryism.  " You need not go
far for a man who will fill the See with credit to you
and honour to himself," said Senior.  Then followed
an account of Whately-of his scholarship, his reforming propensities, his acquaintance with the principles of
political economy, and his Liberalism.  Lord Grey
listened attentively, inquired farther about Whately, and
finally, in a manner most gratifying to the subject of
this sketch, offered him the archbishopric.
EULOGIUM ON PITT.
The conclusion of the inscription on the monument to
Pitt, in the Guildhall, London, is perhaps the highest
tribute which has ever been paid to a deceased statesman.  After a high eulogium  on the abilities of this
great minister, showing the immense power that he
possessed, the panegyric concludes with these words:" IHE LIVED WITHOUT OSTENTATION, AND HE DIED POOR.'
AMERICAN BATHOS.
An American paper indulges in the following bombastic description:-Last night the sun set in glorious
effulgence, as though he would make amends for his
last performance, which was wanting in all the essentials of a southern sunset. As he slowly sunk over the
sleet-crusted forests of Arkansas, his light lit them up




246             Book of Humour,
with a magic splendour; they looked like a world of
silver arborescence, sparkling as if every bud had been
transformed into a diamond.  As the reflection of the
burnished clouds for a moment rested here or there, it
looked like a poetical realization of Solomon's idea of
" apples of gold in pictures of silver."  It was altogether a picture for a poet to see-not describe; to
enthuse a painter, but not for a painter to paint. How
such a scene glorifies God, yet how it burns the fact of
the human finiteness into our own proud hearts.
AN OUTSIDE PLACE AT A THEATRE.
In a country theatre, after the play was over, which
was wretchedly performed, an actor came upon the stage
to give out tie play for the next night.  " Pray," said
one of the audience, " what is the name of the piece
you have played to-night?"  "The Stage-Coach, sir,"
said the actor.  "Then let me know when you perform it again, that I may be an outside passenger."
Ti   ORIGINN  F THE M'GREGORS.
In " Chambers' Book of Days " the origin of the clan
M'Gregor is thus traced: —St. Gregory the Great was
a weakly man, often suffering from bad health, and he
did not get beyond the age of sixty-four.  We owe to
him a phrase which has become a sort of formula for
the Popes-" Servant of the servants of God."  His




lWit anzd Wisdom.              247
name, which is the same as Vigilantius or Watchman,
became, from veneration to him, a favourite one; we
find it borne, amongst others, by a Scottish prince of
the eighth century, the reputed progenitor of the clan
M'Gregor. It is curious to think of this formidable band
of Highland outlaws of the seventeenth century as thus
connected by a chain of historical circumstances with
the gentle and saintly Gregory, who first caused the
lamp of Christianity to be planted in England.
REQUIRING LONG CREDIT.
Fox, the statesman, on being applied to by an importunate Jew, from whom he had borrowed money, for
payment, expressing his inability to pay then, was requested to fix some day for paying the money. " Well
then," said Fox, " suppose -we name the day of judgment."   " Ah, sir," said the Jew, " that will be a
very busy day for all of us."  " True,' replied the
debtor, " then suppose we make it the day after."
A QUAKER OUTWITTED.
A Quaker having married for his wife a member of the
Church of England, was asked, after the ceremony, by
the clergyman for his fee, which he said was a crown.
The Quaker, astonished at the demand, said, if he could
be shown any text in Scripture which proved the fees
were a crown, he would give it, upon which the clergy



248             Book of HuZnour,
man directly turned to the I2th chapter of Proverbs,
verse 4th, where it is said, " A virtuous woman is a
crown to her husband."  "Thou art right," replied
the Quaker, "in thy assertion: Solomon was a wise
man; here is thy money which thou hast well and truly
earned."
How TO LIVE LONG.
An old man, on being asked how he had lived to attain
so great an age, replied, " When I could sit, I never
stood: I married late, was soon a widower, and never
married again."
JUDGE BURNET AND HIS FATHER.
Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury
(author of the "History of the Reformation), when
young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated
turn.  Being one day found by his father in a very
serious humour.  " What is the matter with you," said
the bishop, " what are you ruminating on?"   "A
greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the son.  "Ay, what is that?"
asked the father.  " The reformation of myself," replied
the son.
CONTENTMENT.
Chambers' "Book of Days" records the following
confession of a wealthy man: ~ An actual millionaire




Wit anld  Wisdom.                249
of our time, a respected member of parliament on tle
Liberal side, conversing confidentially some years ago
with a popular authoress, stated that he had once beer.
a clerk in Liverpool, with forty pounds a-year, living
in a house of four small apartments; and he was fully
of belief that he enjoyed greater happiness then than he
has since done in what must appear to the outer world
as the most superbly fortunate and luxurious circumstances.
EPITAPHS REGARDLESS OF GRAMMAR.
On a deceased lady:Weep not for me, my dearest dear;
I am not dead, but sleeping here;
The time will come when you must die;
Therefore prepare to follow I.
On the second marriage of the husband a wag wrote
these lines:I do not weep, my dearest life;
Sleep on; I've got another wife.
I therefore cannot come to thee,
For I must go and talk to she.
DEFINITION OF ETERNITY.
It is recorded that, in reply to the question " What is
eternity?" a pupil in a Sunday school gave this admirable definition —" Eternity is the life-time of the Omnipotent."




250              Book of Hlzumour,
CHANGE OF OPINIONS IN MID-LIFE.
As we advance fiom youth to middle age a new field
of action opens, and a different character is required.
The flow  of gay impetuous spirits begins to subside;
life gradually assumes a graver cast; the mind a more
sedate and thoughtful turn.   The attention is now
transferred from pleasure to interest-that is, to pleasure
diffused over a wider extent, and measured by a larger
scale.  Formerly, the enjoyment of the present moment
occupied the whole attention; now, no action terminates
ultimately in itself but refers to some more distant aim.
Wealth and power, the instruments of lasting gratification, are now coveted more than any single pleasure;.
prudence and foresight lay their plan; industry carries
on its patient efforts; activity pushes forward; address
winds around; here an enemy is to be overcome; there
a rival to be displaced; competition warms; and the
strife of the world thickens on every side.
A  FLATTERING C..-T. T.
A certain duchess, a very handsome woman, was once
walking through the streets of London, when a costermonger, whose pipe had gone out, walked up to her
and addressing her, said, "' Pray, madam, let me light
my pipe at your eye."   She declared this to be the
greatest compliment which she had ever had paid to her.




Wit and Wisdomn                  25 I
MODESTY,
A  young lady, on being asked which was the most
beautiful colour, answered-that of modesty.
SWIFT AND THE LAWYERS.
Swift, preaching an assize sermon, was severe upon the
lawyers for pleading against their consciences.  After
dinner, a young counsel said some severe things upon
the clergy, and expressed his belief that were the devil
to die, a parson might be found to preach his funeral
sermon.  "Yes," said Swift,' I would, and would
give the devil his due, as I did his children this morning."
BARRY'S ELOQUENCE.
It was said of Barry, the actor and manager, that he had
a voice which might lure a bird from a tree, and, at the
same time, an address and manner the most prepossessing and conciliating.  Of the justice of the latter remark, the subsequent anecdote is a testimony.  The
Dublin theatre, of which Mr. Barry was then proprietor,
was in difficulties, and he was considerably indebted to
his actors, musicians, etc.  Among others, the master
carpenter called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous
in demanding his money.  Barry, who was ill at the
time, came to the head of the stairs, and asked what




252             Book of HZmzoz/r,
was the matter?  "Matter enough," replied the carpenter; " I want my money, and can't get it."  "Don't
be in a passion," said Barry; " do me the favour to
walk up stairs, if you please, and we will speak upon
the business."  "No, no, Mr. Barry 1 " cried the carpenter; "you owe me a hundred pounds already, and
if I come up you will owe me two before I leave you."
AN ACTOR ON TRIAL.
A  young actor offered himself to the manager of a
theatre, who desired him to give a specimen of his
abilities to the stage-manager.  After he had rehearsed
a speech or two in a wretched manner, he was asked
whether he had ever acted any part in comedy.  The
young man answered, that he had played the part of
Abel in the Alchymist.  To which his interrogator
replied, " You surely are wrong; it was the part of
Cain you acted; for I am sure you murdered.bel."
A  SMALL CONGREGATION.
During the time that Dean Swift held the two livings
of Larcor and Rathbeggan, he went to reside at Larcor, and gave public notice to his parishioners that he
would  read prayers every Wednesday  and Friday.
Upon the subsequent Wednesday, the bell was rung,
and the rector attended in his desk, when, after having
sat some time, and finding the congregation to consist




Wit and Wisdom.               253
only of himself and his clerk Roger, he began with
great composure and gravity, but with a turn peculiar
to himself, " Dearly beloved  Roger, the Scripture
moveth you and me in sundry places."  And then proceeded regularly through the whole service,
How TO GO MAD.
An  American  newspaper  thus records an editor's
miseries:-Be an editor; let the printer's devil be
waiting for copy; sit down to write an article, and get
a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop in
and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town;
and let him sit, and sit, and sit.  This is the quickest
way we can think of to go raving distracted mad.
A PHILOSOPHIC NEGRO.
A  correspondent of an American newspaper gives a
humourous account of a colloquy with a philosophic
Afiican.  He says:-I noticed upon the hurricane
deck to-day an elderly darkey, with a philosophical and
retrospective cast of countenance, squatted upon his
bundle, toasting  himself against the  chimney, and
apparently plunged into a state of profound meditation.
Finding upon inquiry that he belonged to the gth
Illinois, one of the most gallantly behaved and heavy
losing regiments at the Fort Donelson battle, and part
of which was aboard, I began to interrogate him  on




254              Book of HZumozr,
the subject.  His philosophy was so much in the Falstaffian vein, that I will give his views in his own words,
as near as my memory serves me.    Were you in the
fight?"  " Had a little taste of it, Sa."    Stood youl
ground, did you?"    No, Sa, I runs."  "Run at the
first fire, did you?"  "Yes, Sa, and would have run
soona, had I known it war comin."  "' Why, that was
not very creditable to your courage."  "Dat isn't in
my line, Sa-cookin's my perfeshun."   "Well, but
have you no regard for your reputation?"  "Reputation's nuffin to me by de side ob life."  "Do you consider your life worth more than other people's?"  "It's
worth more to me, Sa."  "Then you must value it
very highly."  "Yes, Sa, I does-more dan oil dis
wuld-more than a million ob dollars, Sa; for what
would dat be worth to a man wid de bref out of him?
Self-preserbashom  am de first law wid me."  "Then
patriotism and honour are nothing to you?"  "Nuffin
whatever, Sa-I regard them  as among de vanities."
It is safe to say that the dusky corpse of that African
will never darken the field of carnage.
A  CHANCE HIT.
A clergyman in the north of Scotland was riding along
the road one day, and had on a cloak, which he wore
when the elements without seemed to wage war and
dispute their claims to superiority, of rather an extraordinary make and pattern, cape upon cape like the




TWit and  Wisdom.                255
outworks in a regular fortification; so that when the
rain had got possession of one fold it had a fresh one
to encounter.  The winds were trying their full power
to turn this tailor's barricade into ridicule, and were
assailing the shoulder turrets in all directions, when an
English gentleman came up, mounted on a very spirited
horse, which had never been trained to such sights, and
took alarm, and almost threw his rider.  " Whvy mean,"
said John Bull, " that cloak o' yours would fiighten the
Devil."   " TVeel," replied the minister, " that's just
my trade,"
A  SHARP-WITTED BOY.
A  sharp boy had purchased for his amusement a magpie, which he carried to his father's house, and was at
the door feeding it, when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up,,said, "T-T-     T-Tom, can your magpie t-ttalk?"  "Ay, sir," says the boy, " better than you, or
I'd wring his head off."
DUKE PASQUIER AND NAPOLEON.
M. St. Marc-Girardin relates the following anecdote,
which possesses a certain historical interest:-What
constituted Napoleon's strength in negotiation and in
war was his army, ever formidable to the enemy.  M.
Pasouier mentions a curious testimony of the fear with




256             Book of Humour,
which that force and its chief inspired their enemies.
"On the evening of the Ist of April," he says, "I
was summomed to a council of war at the Prince de
Schwartzenberg's, and my opinion was asked as to the
necessity of leaving troops in Paris for the purpose of
maintaining order while the army marched towards
Fontainebleau against Napoleon.  I hesitated to answer,
and remarked that I was not a competent judge in such
a matter.  However, being pressed to reply, I said,
that in my opinion, at least 30,000 men ought to be
ordered to remain.  All the generals present protested
against this, and maintained that only  I2,000  or
5,ooo could possibly be left in Paris.  I then called
attention to the immense population of the capital, its
vast extent, and the necessity of occupying the village
north of the city, where the battle of the 3oth March
had been fought; that a French corps d'armee was said
to be advancing on that side; that if they attacked Paris
on that side, while the allied armies advanced along the
Essones road, it was greatly to be feared that the faubourgs would rise and join the said corps d'armee.  Notwithstanding my remarks, Prince de Schwartzenberg
declared that it was impossible to leave 30,000 men in
Paris-the number was too great.'Yet,' I replied,'if I may rely on the muster-rolls and the rations demanded, the allied troops cantoned in Paris and the
environs amount to 160,000 or I70,000 men, so that
if 30,000 remain in Paris you will still have 130,000
in the field.''Yes, but how  many do you think




Wit and Wisdom.                257
Napoleon has with him?''Not above 4o,ooo, I
should say.''You are right.''Well, with 130,000
against 4o,ooo you will be more than three to one.
What have you to fear?'   Oh! it is plain enough
that you are not a soldier, and that you do not know
what that man can do in the field of battle.'  What a
homage, said M. Pasquier, was this to our army and to
Napoleon!  I have never forgotten it, and I am proud
to relate it."
A  SADDLE OF MUTTON.
A gentleman calling on his butcher to order something
for dinner, was asked if he would like to have a saddle
of mutton.  " Why," said he, " would it not be better
to have a bridle, as I should then certainly stand a
better chance of getting a bit in my mouth?"
QUALIFICATIONS OF A GENERAL.
It has been said that the retreat shows the general,
as the reply the orator; and it is partly true; although
a general would rather build his fame on his advances,
than on his retreats, and on what he has attained, rather
than on what he has abandoned.  Moreau, we know,
was famous for his retreats, insomuch that his companions in arms compared him to a drum, which nobody hears of, except it be beaten.  But it is nevertheless true that the merits of a general are not to be
appreciated by the battle alone, but by those disposis




258             Book of Humour,
tions that preceded it, and by those measures that
followed it.  Hannibal knew better how to conquer
than how to profit by the conquest; and Napoleon was
more skilful in taking positions than in maintaining
them.  As to reverses, no general can presume to say
that he may not be defeated; but he can, and ought
to say, that he will not be surprised.  There are dispositions so skilful, that the battle may be considered
to be won even before it is fought, and the campaign
to be decided even before it is contested.  There are
generals who have accomplished more by the march
than by artillery; and Europe saw, in the lines of
Torres Vedras, a simple telescope, in the hands of a
Wellington, become an  instrument more fatal and
destructive than all the cannon in the camp of his
antagonist.
LEARNED BARONS.
It is recorded that out of twenty-six barons who signed
the great Bill of Rights-Magna Charta-three only
could write their names; the remaining twenty-three
merely appended their marks.
A HIT FOR THE TAILORS.
The celebrated divine Dr. South, on one occasion,
preached before the Corporation of Tailors.  He took
for his text the appropriate words —" A remnant of all
shall be saved."




Wit and Wisdom.                  259
SATIRE.
It is a sort of glass, wherein beholders generally discover every body's face but their own; which is their
chief reason for that kind reception it meets with in
the world, and so that very few are offended with it.
SWIFT AND HIS PARISH-CLERK
What perhaps contributed more than any thing to
Swift's enjoyment at Laracor, and is said to have often
actually prolonged his stay there, was the constant fund
of amusement he found in the facetious humour and
oddity of the parish-clerk, Roger Cox.  Roger was
originally a hatter in the town of Cavan, but, being of
a lively jovial temper, and fonder of setting the fireside
of a village alehouse in a roar, over a tankard of ale or
a bowl of whisky, with his flashes of merriment and
jibes of humour, than pursuing the dull routine of business to which fate had fixed him, forsook his vocation
for the honourable function of a parish-clerk, which he
considered as an office appertaining in somewise to
ecclesiastical dignity  since by wearing a band, no
small part of the ornament of our clergy, he thought he
might not unworthily be deemed, as it were, "a shred
of the linen vestments of Aaron." Nor was Roger one
of those worthy parish-clerks who could be accused of
merely humming the psalms through the nostril as a




260             Book of Humour,
sackbutt, but much oftener instructed and amused his
fellow-parishioners with one of those national songs
which awake the remembrance of glorious deeds, and
make each man burn with the enthusiasm of a hero.
With this jocund companion, Swift relieved the tediousness of his lonesome retirement; nor did the easy
fieedom which he indulged with Roger ever lead this
humble friend beyond the strict bounds of decorum
and respect.
AN OPERATIC JOKE.
During the run of the opera of Norma some years ago,
a discussion occurred amongst some theatrical gentlemen, as to which actor was the best representation of
the character of Pollio.  The debate was concluded in
a roar of laughter, by one of the party giving it as his
opinion, that undoubtedly the most natural representation of Pollio was Mario (Mary-o).  It may be added
that Mario repeatedly played Pollio to the Norma of
Grisi.
ORIGIN OF THE TERM ROUNDHEAD.
The fanatics in the time of Charles the First, ignorantly applying the text, " Ye know that it is a shame
for men to have long hair," cut theirs very short.  It
is said that the Queen, once seeing Pym, a celebrated
patriot, thus cropped, inquired who that round-headed
man was; and that from  this incident the distinction
became general, and the party were called round-heads.




Wit and Wisdom.                 261
A  SLOW COACH.
A  gentleman was one day, in the old coaching times,
travelling by a coach which moved at a very slow
pace.  " Pray," said he to the guard, " what is the
name of this coach "  "The Regulator," was the
reply.  " And a very appropriate name too," said the
traveller, " for I see all the other coaches go by it."
MENTAL PLEASURES.
They never cloy; unlike those of the body, they are
increased by repetition, approved of by reflection, and
strengthened by enjoyment.
AN EARLY DINNER.
Two gentlemen at an hotel wished to dine early.
" Suppose," said one of them, " we say one o'clock."
" Well," rejoined the other, " that will be better than
fifty minutes past twelve."  "Why so?" inquired his
fiiend.  " Because if we name the latter time, it will
be ten to one if we get it."
QUALIFICATIONS OF PUBLIC MEN.
In choosing persons for all employments we should
have more regard to good morals than to great abilities;




262              Book of Humour,
for since government is necessary to mankind, the
common size of understandings must be fitted to some
station or other, for Providence never intended to make
the management of public affairs a mystery comprehended only by a few persons of sublime genius, of
which there seldom  are three born in an age: but
truth, justice, temperance, and the like, are in every
man's power, the practice of which virtues, assisted by
experience and good intention, will qualify any man for
the service of his country, except where a course of
study is required; and the want of moral virtue is so
far from being supplied by superior endowments of the
mind, that employments should never be put into the
hands of persons so qualified; and at least the mistakes
committed by ignorance in a virtuous disposition can
never be of such fatal consequence to the public weal,
as the practices of a man whose inclinations lead him
to be corrupt, and who has great abilities to manage, to
multiply, and defend his corruption.
DRYDEN'S WIT.
The Duke of Dorset, John Dryden, Bolingbroke, and
Chesterfield, were in the habit of spending their evenings together;'twas in general, "the feast of reason
and the flow of soul;" on one occasion, however, ennui
had taken possession of the whole: at last it was proposed that the three aristocrats should each write a
something, and place it under the candlestick, and that




Wit and Wisdom.                 263
Dryden (who was at that period in very indifferent
circumstances) should determine who had written the
best thing.  It was no sooner proposed than agreed to;
the scrutiny commenced, judgment was given: —" My
Lords,"  said Dryden, addressing  Bolingbroke and
Cliesterfield, "you each of you have proved your wit,
but I am sure you will, nevertheless, agree with me,
that his Grace the Duke of Dorset has excelled;
pray attend, my Lords,-' I promise to pay to John
Dryden, Esq., on demand, One Hundred Pounds.DORSET.'"   It scarcely need be observed, that the
noble wits subscribed to the judgment.
A  CRITIC'S EYE.
The eye of a critic is often, like a microscope, made
so very fine and nice, that it discovers the atoms, grains,
and  minutest palticles, without ever comprehending the whole, comparing the parts, or seeing all at
once the harmony.
ANECDOTE OF RAPHAEL.
Two cardinals objected to this great master of the
pencil, that in one of the pieces he had put too much
red in the countenances of Saint Peter and Saint Paul.
" Be not astonished at that, my Lords; I have painted
them  as they are in heaven, blushing with shame at
seeing the church so badly governed."




264            Book of Humour,
WIT WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE.
Wit without knowledge is a sort of cream  which
gathers in a night to the top, and by a skilful hand
may be soon whipped into froth; but once scummed
away, what appears underneath will be nothing but
refuse.
SWIFT AND THE SCRIBLERUS CLUB.
Before Swift retired to Ireland, Mr. Pope, Dr. Arbuthnot, Mr. Gay, Dr. Parnell, Mr. Jervas, and Swift,
formed themselves into a society called the Scriblerus
Club.  They wrote many things in conjunction, and,
according to Goldsmith, Gay was usually the amanuensis.  The connection between these wits advanced
the fame and interest of them  all.  They submitted
their several productions to the review of their friends,
and readily adopted alterations dictated by taste and
judgment, unmixed with envy, or any sinister motive.
When the members of the Scriblerus Club were in
town, they were generally together, and often made
excursions into the country.  They generally preferred
walking to riding, and all agreed once to walk down
to Lord Burlington's, about twelve miles fiom town.
It was Swift's custom, in whatever company he might
visit or travel, to endeavour to procure the best bed for
himself.  To secure that, on the present occasion, Swift,




Wit and Wisdom.                 265
who was an excellent walker, proposed, as they were
leaving town, that each should make the best of his
way.  Dr. Parnell, guessing the Dean's intentions,
pretended to agree; but as soon as his fiiend was out
of sight, he took horse, and arrived at his Lordship's
by another way, before Swift.  Having acquainted his
noble host with the other's design, he begged of him to
disappoint it.  It was resolved that Swift should be
kept out of the house.  Swift had never had the smallpox, and was, as all his friends knew, very much afraid
of catching that distemper.  A  servant was despatched
to meet him as he was approaching the gate, and to tell
him that the small-pox was raging in the house, that it
would be unsafe for him to enter the doors, but that
there was a field-bed in the summer-house in the garden
at his service.  Thither the Dean was under the necessity of betaking himself.  He was forced to be content
with a cold supper, whilst his fiiends, whom he had
tried to outstrip, were feasting in the house.  At last,
after they thought they had sufficiently punished his
too eager desire for his own accommodation, they requested his Lordship to admit him into the company.
The Dean was obliged to promise he would not afterwards, when with his friends, attempt to secure the
best bed to himself.  Swift was often the butt of their
waggery, which he bore with  great good humour,
knowing well, that though they laughed at his singularities, they esteemed his virtues, admired his wit, and
venerated his wisdom.




266             Book of HzImour,
DEATH-BED REPENTANCE.
A death-bed repentance is a dangerous speculation:'tis
true, the thief on the cross was forgiven at the last hour,
but it was intended as a singular instance, that none
might despair-a solitary one, that none might presume.
LINES BY GARRICK.
It is said that Garrick, on being advised by a nobleman to get into parliament, replied to the suggestion in
the following lines:More than content with what my labours gain,
Of public favour tho' a little vain,
Yet not so vain my mind, so madly bent,
To wish to play the fool in parliament;
In each dramatic unity to err;
Mistaking time and place and character!
Were it my fate to quit the mimic art,
I'd " strut and fret," no more in any part;
No more in public scenes would I engage,
Or wear the cap and mask of any stage.
RUBINI'S FASCINATION.
The great power of this " Prince of Tenors " in fascinating his hearers is thus described by Mr. Lumley
in his book on the opera:-The opinion of Rubini was




Wit and Wisdom.                 267
always entitled to respect.  Never, probably, was there
another singer who so absolutely commanded the admiration of his brother artists.  I remember well that
in the " good old times," when he was executing one
of his fascinating arias, Lablache and others of " the
corps" would linger at the wings, as though unwilling
to lose one of his enchanting notes.  Considering how
unusual it is for one singer to take much interest in the
performance of another, this fact is significant of Rubini's
power of enchaining the ear of his listeners.
THEATRICALS AT BOTANY BAY.
"The theatre at Sydney appears to be in a very flourishing state," said a gentleman to John Kemble, speaking
of the Botany Bay theatricals.  "Yes," replied the
tragedian, " the performers ought to be all good, for
they have been selected and sent to that situation by
very excellent judges."
GAY's BEGGARS' OPERA.
This famous opera at the time of its production was
the subject of much bitterness and party feeling.  Attempts had been made fiom  time to time to introduce
musical dramas, upon the Italian model, on the English
stage; but the scheme was not successfully brought to
bear until the beginning of last century.  The novelty,
patronised by the Royal Family and people of fashion,




268              Book of  Iznzour1,
superseded the regular drama, and  Shakspeare and
Jonson, with other worthies, were forgotten, until the
rage for music began to subside in a violent schism
among the patrons and the performers, when the contending parties, tired of the war, and the perfidious
lords and ladies withdrawing their alliance, the Beggars'
Opera burst forth, and the Italian Opera was fairly, or
as many thought, unfairly, hunted down.
Booncini, a celebrated Italian composer, was ungraciously pitted against the great German, Handel.
Cuzzoni and Faustina, two rival syrens, set the fashionables at war.  Lady  Pembroke  headed one party,
Lady Burlington the other.  The wits enjoyed the sport,
and sided with none.  Hence Swift's epigram:"Strange that difference should be'Twixt tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee."
It may be remarked here that the first female who
ever performed  " Polly Peachum," in  the Beggars'
Opera was Miss Fenton, who afterwards became a
duchess, viz., Duchess of Bolton.
SWIFT AND THE BLACKSMITH.
It happened that Swift, having been dining at some
little distance from  Laracor, his residence, was returning home on horseback, in the evening, which was
pretty dark; just before he reached a neighbouring
village his horse lost a shoe.  Unwilling to run the
risk of laming the animal by continuing his ride in that




Wit and Wisdom.                 269
condition, he stopped at one Kelly's, the blacksmith of
the village, where, having called the man, he asked him
if he could shoe a horse with a candle.  " No," replied
the son of Vulcan; " but I can with a hammer."
C STILL WATERS RUN DEEP."
Those that are loudest in their threats, are the weakest
in the execution of them.  In springing a mine, that
which has done the most extensive mischief makes the
smallest report; and again, it we consider the effect of
lightning, it is probable that he that is killed by it
hears no noise; but the thunder-clap which follows,
and which most alarms the ignorant, is the surest proof
of their safety.
AN EXTEMPORANEOUS PUN.
A celebrated punster was once asked to make an extemporaneous pun.  " Upon what subject?" inquired
the punster.  " Upon the king," said one of the company.  " Oh," said the wit, " the king is no subject."
PATIENCE.
An emperor of China, making a progress, discovered a
family in which the master, with his wives, children,
grand-children, daughters-in-law, and servants, all lived
in perfect harmony.  The emperor, admiring this, in



270             Book of Humour,
quired of the old man what means he employed to
preserve quiet among such a number of persons; the
old man taking out a pencil, wrote three wordspatience, patience, patience.
A REFORMED DRUNKARD.
A  gentleman very much addicted to drinking often
promised his friends that he would leave off the bad
habit.  One day a fiiend calling on him, was informed
by his servant that he was out.  "Has he left oft
drinking yet?" inquired the gentleman.   "0  yes,"
said the servant; "he has left off two or three times
to-day."
LOVE AFTER DEATH.
Joan, the mother of Charles the Fifth, was daughter of
Ferdinand and Isabella of Castile, and was married to
the Archduke Philip of Austria, who was accounted
the handsomest man in Europe; his wife was so doatingly fond of him, that after his death she had his
corpse embalmed, and sat by it in a most desponding
manner for several months, without once leaving it,
taking little or no sustenance.
VIRTUE AND VICE.
Vice stings us, even in our pleasures, but virtue consoles
us, even in our pains.




Wit and Wisdom.                271
A BID AT AN AUCTION.
Charles Bannister going home one evening, dropped
into a room where an evening auction was going on.
The auctioneer was just about to knock off a lot as
Bannister entered the room.  " Going," said the auctioneer, raising his hammer.  " Going; will no one bid
any more?" "I will bid more," said Bannister. "What
will you bid?" said the auctioneer.  "I will bid you
good-night," was the reply, as the wit walked away.
THE ANTIQUARIAN AND THE ABSENT MAN.
The absent man would wish to be thought a man of
talent, by affecting to forget what all others remember;
and the antiquarian is in pursuit of the same thing, by
remembering what all others have thought proper to
forget.  I cannot but think it would much improve
society-first, if all absent men would take it into their
heads to turn antiquarians; and next, if all antiquarians
would be absent men.
SWIFT'S FIRST INTERVIEW WITH VANESSA.
The first time that Swift was in company with Miss
Vanhomrigh, whom he afterwards celebrated as Vanessa,
he offended her so much by some observations, that she
struck him.  A gentleman who was present asked him




27 2            Book of Humour,
afterwards, what he thought of Miss V.  "There
is nothing ugly about her but her name, sir," he replied.
That probably determined him to give her the more
poetical name of Vanessa.
END OF A WISE MAN'S LIFE.
The latter part of a wise man's life is taken up in curing
the follies, prejudices, and false opinions, he had contracted in the former.
A WISE JUDGE
A  showman in the State of Maine, wanted to exhibit
an Egyptian mummy, and attended at the Court-house
to obtain permission. " What is it you want to show?"
inquired the Judge.  " An Egyptian mummy more than
three thousand years old," said the showman.  " Three
thousand years old! " exclaimed the Judge, jumping to
his feet; "and is the critter alive?"
MOTIVES TO GOOD ACTIONS.
The motives to the best actions will not bear too strict
an inquiry.  It is allowed that the cause of all actions,
good or bad, may be resolved into the love of ourselves;
but the self-love of some men inclines them to please
others, and the self-love of others is wholly employed
in pleasing themselves: this makes the great distinction




Wit and  Wisdom.               273
between virtue and vice.  Religion is the best motive
of all action; yet religion is allowed to be the highest
instance of self-love.
A SUGGESTION FOR A MOTTO,
Foote being asked by an acquaintance to furnish a
motto for a work which he intended publishing, naturally inquired what was the subject, to which the
would-be author answered, that he had rot yet quite
settled that point, but that it would be a mixed composition of poetry and prose:-" Then," said Foots,
"you may take your motto fiom Milton:-'Things unattempted yet in prose and verse.'"
LINES ON THE LETTER H.
The following ingenious lines have been attributed to
various authors-notably to Lord Byron, but they cannot be traced satisfactorily to the pen of his Lordship.
The Hon. W. R. Spencer, the translator of Burger's
celebrated poem " Lenora," has also had the credit of
writing them:-'Twas whispered in Heaven, it was mutter'd in Hell,
And Echo caught faintly the sound as it fell:
On the confines of Earth'twas permitted to rest,
And the depths of the ocean its presence contest.'Twill be found in the sphere, when'tis riven asunder:
Be found in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.
T




274  Book of Humour,'Twas allotted to man, with his earliest breath,
It attends him in birth, it awaits him in death.
It presides o'er his happiness, honour, and health,
Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.
It begins every hope, every wish it doth bound;
It prays with the hermit, with monarchs is crowned:
In the heaps of the miser'tis hoarded with care,
But is sure to be lost in his prodigal heir.
Without it the soldier, the seaman may roam,
But woe to the wretch who expels it from home.
In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,
Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drown'd.'Twill not soften the heart, but though deaf to the ear,'Twill make it acutely and constantly hear.
But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower;
Oh! breathe on it softly-it dies in an hour.
PRODUCTIVE LABOUR.
" Flourishing cities," says Dr. Paley, "have been raised
and supported by trading in tobacco; populous towns
subsist by the manufacture of ribbands.  A  watch may
be a very unnecessary appendage to the dress of a
peasant; yet if a peasant will till the ground in order
to obtain a watch, the true design of commerce is
answered, and the watchmaker, while he polishes the
case and files the wheels of his ingenious machine, is
contributing to the production of corn as effectually,
though not so directly, as if he handled the plough or




Wit and Wisdom.                275
the spade.  The use of tobacco is an acknowledged
superfluity; but if the fisherman will ply his nets, and
the mariner fetch rice from  foreign countries, in order
to procure to himself this indulgence, the market is
supplied with two important articles of provision, by
the instrumentality of a merchandize which has no
other apparent use than the gratification of a vitiated
appetite."
ANECDOTE OF GARRICK.
A  lady one day in conversation with Garrick, said,
"Dear sir, I wish you was a little taller;" to which
he replied, " My dear madam, how happy should I be,
did I stand higher in your estimation."
AN AUTHOR NOT TO BE JUDGED BY HIS W ORKS.
That an author's work is the mirror of his mind, is a
position that has led to very false conclusions.  If the
devil himself were to write a book, it would be in
praise of virtue, because the good would purchase it
for use, and the bad for ostentation.
A DROWSY PREACHER,
The celebrated Malherbes dined one day with the
Archbishop of Rouen, who was famous for being a
tedious dull preacher.  Dinner was scarcely over before
Malherbes fell asleep; but was awoke by the prelate,




276            Book of Humour,
and invited to go and hear him  preach.  "I beseech
your grace," said Malherbes, "'to excuse me; I can
sleep exceedingly well where I ani."
A HERO'S ADDRESS TO HIS MEN.
The heroic harangue which the great Henri, Marquis
de la Rochejaquelein used to his soldiers was couched
in these words-" If I advance, follow me; if I retreat, kill me; if I die, revenge me."
FONTENELLE AND THE ASPARAGUS.
Fontenelle, the celebrated French author, is said to
have been very partial to asparagus dressed in oil.  A
certain abbe dining with him  one day, preferred this
favourite esculent dressed with butter, so it was decided
that the dish of asparagus which was preparing, should
be dressed half with butter and half with oil.  A short
time before dinner was ready the abbe was attacked
by an apoplectic fit, on which Fontenelle rushed to the
cook, and cried out-" All with oil; all with oil."
ANNE BOLEYN AT THE BLOCK.
Anne Boleyn, wife of King Henry the Eighth, and
mother of Queen Elizabeth, as she was going to be
beheaded in the tower, seeing a gentleman there of the
King's privy chamber, called him to her, and with a




Wit and Wisdom.                277
cheerful countenance, and soul undaunted at approaching death, said to him:" Remember me to the king, and tell him he is
constant in advancing me to the greatest of honours;
from a private gentlewoman he made me a Marchioness;
from that degree he made me a queen; and now, because he can raise me no higher in this world, is translating me to heaven, to wear a crown of martyrdom in
eternal glory."
A  CANDID PREACHER.
A  clergyman one Sunday was complimented by one of
his friends on the discourse he had been delivering.
" South himself' (alluding to the eminent divine of
that name), exclaimed the auditor, " never preached a
better."  "You are right," replied the honest preacher,
"it was the very best he ever did preach."
1MPORTANCE OF MARRIAGE.
Voltaire in his Philosophical Dictionary says:-': The
more married men you have, the fewer crimes there
will be.  Examine the fiightful columns of your criminal calendar, you will find there a hundred youths
executed to one father of a family.  Marriage renders
men more virtuous and more wise.  The father of a
family is not willing to blush for his children, he is
afraid to make shame their inheritance."




278             Book of Humour,
A  HUMOROUS INSCRIPTION.
Some years since, a man who lived in a county-town
divided his shop into two parts; on one side he opened
a wine vault, and on the other a book-stall, and placed
over his door the following lines:Two different trades united here you'll find,
Wine to refresh the body, books the mind.
THE CHRISTIAN PILGRIMAGE.
If men have been termed pilgrims, and life a journey, then we may add that the Christian pilgrimage far
surpasses all others, in the following important particulars;-in the goodness of the road-in the beauty of the
prospects-in the excellence of the company-and in
the vast superiority of the accommodation provided for
the Christian traveller, when he has finished his course
A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND.
The following story is told:-" I say, Cap'n l" cried a
little keen-eyed man, as he landed from a steamer at
Natchez, " I say, Cap'n, these here aren't all.  I have
left somethin' on board, that's a fact."  "Them's all
the plunder you brought on board, anyhow," answered
the captain.  "Wal, I see now; I grant it's O.K.




Wit and Wisdom.                 279
accordin' to list; four boxes, three chests, two bandboxes, and portmanty; two hams, one part-cut, three
ropes of inyens, and a tea-kettle.  But see, Cap'n, I'm
dubersome; I feel there's somethin' short, tho' I've
counted um nine times over, and never took my eyes off
um while on board; there's somethin' not right, somehow."  "Wal, stranger, time's up; thems all I knows
on; so just fetch your wife and five children out of the
cabin, cos I'm  off."    "Thems um!  Darn it, thems
urn!  I know'd I'd forgot somethin'!"
NATIONAL PECULIARITIES.
An Irishman fights before he reasons, a Scotchman
reasons before he fights, an Englishman is not particular
as to the order of precedence, but will do either to accommodate his customers.  A  modern general has
said, that the best troops would be as follows: An
Irishman half drunk, a Scotchman half starved, and an
Englishman with his belly full.
A  WITTY DIVINE.
It is related of Sydney Smith that once on entering a
drawing-room  in a West End mansion, he found it.
lined with mirrors on all sides. Finding himself reflected in every direction, he said that he " supposed he
was at a meeting of the clergy, and there seemed to be a
very respectable attendance."




280             Book of Humour,
SUICIDE.
Selt-destruction sometimes proceeds from  cowardice,
but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it;
since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die
because they are afraid to live.
QUIN AND BEAU NASH.
Quin, when he first went to Bath, was charged exorbitantly for everything; and at the end of a week complained to Beau Nash, who had invited him thither as
the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a
bon-vivant.  Beau Nash replied, "They have acted by
you on truly Christian principles."  "How so?" said
Quin.  " Why," resumed Nash, "you were a stranger,
and they took you in."  "Ay," rejoined Quin, "but
they have fleeced me instead of clothing me! "
THE RELIGIOUS OPINIONS OF BONAPARTE.
On religion, Bonaparte had only vague ideas.  He
was wont to say, "My reason keeps me in unbelief
regarding many things, but the impressions of childhood
and the feelings of early youth, throw me back into
uncertainty."  He liked very much to converse about
religion.  Very fi-equently, at Passeriano, in Egypt, on
board the " L'Orient and Le Muiron," he would take




Wit and Wisdom.                  281
a most active share in animated conversations on this
subject.  He readily conceded whatever was proved,
but he would never hear of materialism.  Being on
deck one beautiful night, surrounded by several persons,
who were speaking in favour of infidelity, Bonaparte,
raising his hand towards the heavens, and pointing to
the stars, said, " Gentlemen, your arguments are vain —
who made all these?"
AN IRISHMAN'S PITY.
An Irishman was once bound over to keep the peace
towards all her Majesty's subjects.  He left the office
exclaiming, "Well, then, Heaven help the first furrener I meet with."
KINGLY MAGNANIMITY.
While the Eddystone lighthouse was in course of erec.
tion, a French privateer took the men upon the rock,
together with their tools, and carried them to France;
and the captain of the ship was in expectation of a reward for the achievement.  While the captives lay in
prison, the transaction reached the ears of Louis XIV.;
he immediately ordered them  to be released, and the
captors put in their places; declaring that " though he
was at war with England, he was not so with mankind."  He directed the men to be sent back to theil
work with  presents; observing  that the Eddystone




282             Book of Humour,
lighthouse was so situated as to be of equal service
to all nations having occasion to navigate the channel
between England and France."
AN ORIGINAL PAPER.
An American editor tells the following anecdote of a
college chum:-" H, a member of one of the
classes, was distinguished not less for dry wit and sly
waggery than for his address in evading the- writing of
themes and palming off the brain-coined currency of
others ashis legal'tender.'  One evening he read a
theme of unusual merit; but Professor A —' smelt
a rat,' and as H  - finished and sat down in the pride
of conscious excellence, asked,'Is that original?'' Yes, sir.''Are you sure of it?" queried the professor, doubtingly.'Why, yes, sir,' replied H ~,
with imperturbable gravity,' it had original over it
in the paper I took it from.'"
A  TRUE PHILOSOPHER.
A  gentleman who had gone through many difficulties
without murmuring, was one day asked by a friend if
he could communicate to him the secret of being always
thus patient and happy.  " Yes," was the reply, " very
easily. It consists of nothing more than making a right
use of my eyes in whatever state I am. I first look up to
heaven, and remember that my principal business here is




Wit and Wisdom.                283
to get there.  I then look down upon the earth, and
call to mind how small a space I shall occupy in it
when I come to be interred.  Then I look abroad into
the world, and observe what multitudes there are, who,
in all respects, are more unhappy than myself. Thus I
learn where true happiness is placed, where all my
cares must end, and how little reason I have to repine
or complain."
A SENSIBLE LUNATIC.
A lunatic, confined in an asylum for life, being asked
how he came there, answered, " By a dispute.  The
world said I was mad, and I said that the world was
mad, and they carried it against me."
FORTUNE'S FAVOURITES.
There are some men who are so lucky that, like cats,
they light for ever on their legs. Wilkes was one of
these didappers, whom, if you had stripped naked, and
thrown over Westminster bridge, you might have met
the very next day, with a bag-wig on his head, a sword
by his side, a laced coat upon his back, and money in
his pocket.
WORDSWORTH AND CHARLES LAMB.
Mr. Buckle, the celebrated author of the " History of
Civilization," whose comparatively recent death caused




284             Book of Humour,
a wide-spread regret throughout the literary world, used
to relate an amusing joke referring to Charles Lamb and
Wordsworth. Wordsworth on one occasion told Lamb
that Shakspeare was much overrated, and expressed an
opinion that he could, if he had a mind, write as well
as Shakspeare.  " But then you see," said Lamb, " He
had not the mind."
THE DIFFICULTIES OF A MANAGER.
Mr. Lumley thus amusingly relates some of the troubles
he had to encounter during his career as a theatrical
manager.  The manager of Her Majesty's Theatre was
evidently considered fair game for persecution, and persecuted he accordingly was.  Some obliging gentlemen,
who would have blushed to ask for money at his hands,
would, with the greatest coolness, press him and expect
him to make engagements with artists, not only involving  considerable and immediate pecuniary loss, but
fraught with eventual disastrous consequences.  Should
such requests be refused, the offended dilettanti vowed
eternal enmity, and the exercise of all their "power and
influence" against the obstinate manager.  A  rather
more exceptional case is the expression of " astonishment
and disgust" on the part of an habitue, at the omission of
his favourite air on one occasion (the air having been
omitted for reasons of decorum), and his threat to "warn
the public," through the public prints, if the omission
should ever occur again.  Others demanded the re-in



Wit and Wisdowj.                 23
stalment of certain coryphees dismissed for reasons of discipline. Another, again, to please his individual fancy,
calls for an entire ballet for Taglioni, who ought not to
appear before him  in a mere divertissement.  " Old
subscribers" insist on changes in the performance, and
announce their displeasure if the demand be not immediately met.  "Club men" protest against operas that
they consider "a bore."  Men of influence want the
chief singers, otherwise engaged, to sing at their private
concerts, and think a change of performance for this
purpose a mere trifle, such as may be granted without
remonstrance or hesitation.
A  SCOTCHMAN'S TENACITY.
On one occasion during a debate in the House of Commons, one of the members of the House was inquiring
for a representative of a Scotch County, and was informed that he had left his place.  "I never before,"
said the M.P., " knew a Scotchman quit his place."
"Except," added a friend near him, "except his native
place."
QUALIFICATIONS OF A PRECEPTOR.
It rarely happens that the finest writers are the most
capable of teaching others their art.  If Shakspeare
himself had been condemned  to write a system  of
metaphysics, explanatory of his magic influence over
all the passions of the mind, it would have been a dull




286               Book of Humour,
and  unsatisfactory work —a heavy task both to the
reader and to the writer.  All preceptors, therefore,
should have that kind of genius described by Tacitus,
"equal to their business, but not above it;" a patient
industry, with competent erudition; a mind depending
more on its correctness than its originality, and on its
memory rather than on its invention.  If we wish to
cut glass, we must have recourse to a diamond; but if
it be our task to sever iron or lead, we must make use
of a much coarser instrument.  To sentence a -man of
true genius to the drudgery of a school, is to put a
race-horse in a mill.
ANECDOTE OF MRS. COUTTS.
Mrs. Coutts, wife of the eminent banker, and previously
Miss Mellon, the celebrated actress, made her appearance one day at one of the principal promenades in
Edinburgh, dressed  in  a most magnificent style, so
as to quite overawe our northern neighbours.  " Hoot,
mon," said a gentleman standing by, who did not know
who she was, " yon's a braw lady; she'll be a countess, I'm  thinking."   "No," replied an eminent banker,
"not just a countess but what's better, a discountess."
THE SUBTLETIES OF NATURE.
Light passes from  the sun to the earth, a space of
ninety-five millions of miles, in eight minutes, and the




Wit and Wisdom.                   287
beams of the smallest taper are visible at sea, in a dark
night, for at least three miles: so that the particles of
light instantaneously fill a spherical space of six miles in
diameter, or II30,976  cubical miles.  Instances ot
the exquisite subtlety of nature are infinite.  That so
small a drop of ink in a pen should be drawn out into
so many letters or lines, as we find it; that silver gilt
upon its external surface, should be drawn to such a
vast length of gilded wire; that a little saffron should
tinge a whole hogshead of water; that a little civet or
musk should fill a large chamber with its odour; that
such a great cloud of smoke should be raised from  a
little  incense; that the exact differences of sounds
should be every way conveyed through the air, and
even through the holes and pores of wood and water
(though much weakened, indeed, in the passage), and
be reflected with great distinctness and velocity; that
light and colour should so suddenly pass through such
a bulk of solid matter, as glass, or of a fluid, as water;
yet so as at the same time to convey a great and exquisite variety of images, even though the light suffers
refraction and reflection; that the loadstone  should
operate  through all kinds of bodies, even the most
compact and solid; and what is still more wonderful,
that in all these cases the action of one thing does not
greatly hinder the action of another, in a neutral or
indifferent medium, such as the air is.  Thus, cold,
heat, and magnetical virtues, all pass through the air at
once, without obstructing one another, as if each of




288s              Book of Humour,
them  had its own separate way or passage, so as to
prevent impinging against, meeting with, or obstructing
one another.
HIBERNIAN WIT.
An Irish counsel being questioned by a judge, to know
"for whom he was concerned," replied as follows, "I
am concerned, my lord, for the plaintiff, but I am employed for the defendant."
ANECDOTE OF LORD BACON.
James I., King of England, asking the Lord Keeper
Bacon what he thought of the French ambassador; he
answered that he was a tall and proper man.  "Ay,"
replied the king, " but what think you of his headpiece?  Is he a proper man for an ambassador?"
"Sir," said Bacon, "tall men are like high houses,
wherein commonly the uppermost rooms are worst
furnished."
CONFRONT DANGER WITH PRUDENCE.
It is better to meet danger than to wait for it.  He
that is on a lee-shore, and foresees a hurricane, stands
out to sea, and encounters a storm, to avoid a shipwreck.  And thus, the legislator who meets some
evils, half subdues them.  In the grievous dearth that
visited the land of Egypt, Joseph forestalled the evil,




Wit and Wisdom.                 289
and adopted measures that proclaimed to the nation,
" you shall not feast, in order that you may not fast;
and although you must submit to a scarcity, you shall
not endure a famine."
JENNY LIND AND CATALAN!.
Mr. Lumley, in his " Reminiscences of the Opera," thus
gives an account of a meeting between these worldrenowned singers.-The dinner-party at the Embassy
was a small one, no other company being invited except
Mr. and Mrs. G, Mademoiselle Lind, Madame
Catalani and her daughter, and one English gentleman,
a well-known amateur of the opera; the secretary of
the Embassy, and a sister of the Ambassadress being
also present.  After dinner, the weather being warm,
the party strolled in the garden attached to the Embassy-Catalani and Jenny Lind talking much together.
In the evening, some little embarrassment arose about
asking Jenny Lind to sing, because, as no one ever
refuses a request made by the representative of majesty,
the Marchioness considerately forbore to place the
young Swede in a position of difficulty.  But Catalani,
who was burning with curiosity to hear Jenny Lind
sing, perceiving that there was some hesitation, went up
to the " Nightingale," and asked her with grace and
earnestness to oblige the company with a song, adding,
" C'est la vielle Catalani qui desire vous entendre
chanter, avant de mourir!" Such an appeal from such
u




290             Book of Huzmozr,
a person, overcame all Jenny's habitual dislike to sing
in private society.  She sat down to the piano, and
after a few  bars of prelude, gave her incomparable
Non credea mirarti," playing the accompaniment
herself.
THE HIGHLAND CALENDAR.
An anecdote is told of a certain Highland hotel-keeper.
He was one day bickering with an Englishman in the
lobby of the inn regarding the bill.  The stranger said
it was a gross imposition-he could live cheaper in the
best hotel in London, to which the landlord with
nonchalance, replied, " Oh, nae doot, Sir, nae doot;
but do ye no ken the reason?"  "No, not a bit of
it," said the stranger hastily.  " Weel then," replied
the host, " as ye seem to be a sensible callant, I'll tell
ye: there's 365 days in the Lunnon hotel-keeper's
calendar, but we have only three months in ours!-do
ye understand me noo, frien' ~-we maun mak hay in
the Hielans when the sun shines, for its unco seldom:she dis't I"
DREAMS GO BY CONTRARY.
When General -         was quartered with his regiment in
a small town in Ireland, he and his wife were constantly importuned as they got into their carriage by a
beggar-woman,,who kept her post at the door, assailing




Wit and Wisdom.                291
them daily with fresh solicitations.  Their charity and
patience at length became exhausted. One morning, as
the lady and her husband stepped into the carriage, the
beggar-woman began:' Oh, my lady! success to your
ladyship, for sure did I not dream last night that her
ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honour gave
me a pound of tobacco."-" But my good woman,"
said the general, " don't you know that dreams go by
the rule of contrary?"-" Ah," rejoined the old
woman; " then it must mean, that your honour will
give me the tea, and her ladyship the tobacco."
A CROOKED TRAVELLER.
A deformed gentleman, on his arrival at a provincial
town, was asked what place he had come firom.
" Straight from  London," was the reply.  " Then,"
said the inquirer, " you must have got terribly twisted
on the road."
FREDERICK THE GREAT AND THE MONKS.
Inspecting his finance affairs, and questioning the parties
interested, Frederick, says Thomas Carlyle, notices a
certain convent in Cleves, which appears to have,
payable from  the forest dues, considerable revenues
bequeathed by the old dukes "for masses to be said on
their behalf."  He goes to look at the place, questions
the monks on this point, who are all drawn out, in two




292              Book of Humozur,
rows, and have broken into Te-Deum at sight of him:
Husht! " You still say those masses, then?"  " Certainly, your Majesty."  "And what good does anybody get of them?"   " Your Majesty, those  old
sovereigns are to obtain heavenly mercy by them, to
be delivered out of purgatory by them."  "Purgatory?
It is a sore thing for the forests, all this while! And
they are not yet out, those poor souls, after so many
hundred  years of praying?"  Monks have a fatal
apprehension, No.  " When will they be out, and the
thing complete?"  Monks cannot say.  "Send me a
courier whenever it is complete I " sneers the king, and
leaves them to their Te-Deum.
VALUE OF A PLAY.
A  lady who had written a play sent it to the manager
of a theatre with a very civil message, offering it to
him for nothing.  He observed, "She knew the exact
value of it."
A  SLIP OF THE TONGUE.
A  gentleman's servant bringing into the dining-room
(where a dinner party was assembled) a boiled tongue,
tripped on the floor, and caused the tongue to roll off
the dish.  The master of the house, not the least
affected by the accident, soon removed the embarrassment of his guests, as well as of the servant, by saying,




Wit and Wisdom.               293
with much good humour, "There's no harm  done,
gentlemen, it is merely a lapsus lingua." This fortunate
jeu de mot excited much merriment.  A  gentleman
present, struck with the happy effect of this stroke of
wit, was determined to let off the joke himself.  He
invited a large party, and when they were all assembled
he directed his servant to let a piece of roast beef fall
on the floor.  " Never mind," cried the host, " it is
only a lapsus lingua."
MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME.
A  well-known wit who was a great lover of conviviality, frequently spent the whole night in company,
and all the next morning in bed.  On one of these
occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him
before he had arisen, began to read him  a familiar
lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying,
" I see plainly that you'll shorten your days."  "Very
true, Madam," replied he, "but, by the same rule, you
must admit that I shall lengthen my nights."
SIR GERALD MASSEY AND THE PUGILIST.
In "Russell's Eccentric Personages," the following
narrative is given:-Ralph Button, a brawny pugilist of
local celebrity, was given to cruel practical jokes.  One
hot day, Sir Gerald, a great walker, finding himself
some thirty miles distant from  Stone Hall, and at a




294             Book of Humour,
place where he was personally unknown, entered a
humble hostelry, called for refreshment of some kind,
and sat down amidst a number of rude peasants.  It
was Sunday-the time, afternoon.  Ralph Button was
there, swaggering and bullying after his usual fashion;
but one especial object of his enmity and spite was a
grey-haired man named Travis.  The old man was
guardian to a niece who would in a few weeks be entitled to the splendid fortune of one hundred pounds.
That one hundred pounds was much coveted by the brutal
pugilist, and the rejection by John Travis of his request
to go a-courting the niece was savagely resented. After
a good deal of bitter chaff on Button's part, he affected
a wish to make it up, be good friends, and offered his
hand to the old man in token of his sincerity.  The
pledge of amity was accepted, and then Button, grasping the hand of Travis in his own, "and keeping the
fingers straight," pressed them together with a vice-like
force.  Many people know by experience that this inflicts excruciating torture; and the old man yelled with
pain.   Sir Gerald, who was eating powdered beef,
sprang up and struck Button in the face with such right
good will, that blood spurted from his nose and mouth,
and he let go the old man's hand.  The brutal pugilist
turned fiercely upon Sir Gerald.  Had he mentioned
who he was, Bully Button would not have dared to
assault a titled wealthy county magistrate, or the rustics
present, who must all have heard of " good" Sir Gerald
Massey, would have immediately interfered, and settled




Wit and Wisdom.                 295
Button's business in a-twinkling.  Sir Gerald disdained
to do so.  A  regular turn up fight ensued, and, after a
contest which lasted nearly an hour, the thews and
sinews of the pugilist prevailed.  Sir Gerald was beaten
into a state of insensibility, but not till he had inflicted
severe punishment upon his adversary.  A  doctor was
sent for, and the injuries which Sir Gerald had received
being very serious, and in the medical gentleman's opinion
might possibly have a fatal result, the patient's pockets
were searched to ascertain whom he might be.  To the
astonishment and consternation of the landlady, and
great delight of the doctor, it was found by papers or
letters he had about him, that the man who had fought
a vulgar public-house fight with a low professional bully
was Sir Gerald Massey, of Stone Hall, near Appleby!
Button fled the county, and enlisted in the army.  Sir
Gerald quickly recovered, and so little malice did he
feel towards the brute, by whom he had been so severely
beaten, that he made the fellow's mother-a paralytic
woman who had been dependent on her son for support
-a present of ten guineas, and allowed her five shillings
per week during life.
SYDNEY SMITH AND LANDSEER.
It is recorded of Sydney Smith that he was once asked
by Landseer, the celebrated animal painter, to sit for his
portrait. "Is thy servant a dog that he should do this?'
was the reply- of the witty divine.




296               Book of Humour,
A DINER OUT.
It was remarked of a slanderer, who was also a constant guest at the table of every one who invited him,
that he never opened his mouth but at the expense of his
friends.
BEAU BRUMMELL IN EXILE.
This account of the declining years of this once celebrated man is given in Russell's "Eccentric Personages,"
-The habits of this eccentric gentleman clung to him
through life.  He was as preposterously exclusive when
a fugitive from his creditors, and living upon the charity
of his former acquaintances, as in the days of his ephemeral prosperity.  He took up his quarters at a Calais
hotel, where he lived in very comfortable style for seventeen years. His correspondence and the occasional visits
of great people imposed upon the French tradesmen, who
believed he was suffering under a temporary eclipse only,
and would again shine out resplendently, a bright particular star in the aristocratic galaxy of England.  The
French are an acute people, but they have strange notions with regard to England and English society.  For
example, they believe the Lord Mayor of London to
be a potentate second only in dignity and power to the
monarch of Great Britain.  It is not at all surprising
that they should have believed in Beau Brummell. The




1 Vit and Wisdom.               297
Duchess of York, a very amiable lady, sent him  not
only money, but a table-cover worked with her own
hands.  This steadfast friendship of her Royal Highness seems to show that, after all, the vain coxcomb must
have had something good in him.  Lord Sefton, moreover, paid him  a visit; so did Wellesley Pcle and
PWince Puckler Muskau, the Prussian nobleman who
once made a small splutter in the literary line.  Let
us pass swiftly over the decline and fall of this once
celebrated gentleman.   His debts in Calais rapidly
accumulated.  His English friends, generous as many
of them were, could not supply his extravagances; and
when George IV. passed through Calais on a visit to
Hanover, and did not send for ce celebre Brummell, the
faith of the French in the great man sank to zero as
quickly as did that of Justice Shallow in Sir John Falstaff, when Henry V. (in the play) publicly rebuked
and cast him off.  Brummell was refused credit, and a
prison was not obscurely hinted at.  Driven to desperation, he applied to the Duke of York to procure for
him, through his influence with the Ministry, a Government appointment.  The application was successful, and
on the   oth of September 1830, Beau Brummell was
appointed English consul at Caen, at a salary of four
hundred pounds per annum.  Landed at last, one would
think, safe out of Fortune's reach.  Not at all.  His
debts followed; his foolish habits clung to him till the
last, till at length the only person whom  he could rely
upon to befriend him was Mr. Armstrong, a grocer




298             Book of Huzmour,
established in Caen.   "My dear Armstrong," he
wrote one day, " lend me seventy fiancs to pay my
washerwoman."   Yet the man who wrote that note
would not " honour" with his presence any assemblage
at which people in the remotest degree connected with
commerce were to be met with.
A COMPLIMENT.
Quin, the actor, being asked by a lady, why there were
more women in the world than men, replied, " It is in
conformity with the other arrangements of Nature; we
always see more of heaven than earth."
How TO SWEAT A PATIENT.
A young gentleman was undergoing an examination at
the College of Surgeons, when the questions put were
of a very searching character.  After answering a number of queries, he was asked what he would prescribe
to throw a patient into a profuse perspiration. "Why,"
exclaimed the youthful Galen, " I would send him here
to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat,
I do not know what would."
WILKES AND THE COUNCILMAN.
Among the guests at a corporation dinner during the
mayoralty of John Wilkes, the celebrated politician,




Wit and Wisdom.                299
was a noisy, vulgar, common councilman, who on entering the dining-room, took off his wig and suspended it
on a peg, and with much solemnity put on a cotton
night-cap.  Wilkes could not take his eyes from the
man. At length the offender walked up to him, and
asked him whether he did not think that his cap became
him!  "Oh! yes, sir," replied Wilkes; "but it would
look much better if it was pulled quite over your face."
A PURBLIND IRISHMAN.
An Irishman on board a ship was ordered by one of
the officers to go below and fetch a jug of water just as
the ship was about to sail.  The man hesitated to go,
because, as he said, the vessel being about to sail, he was
afraid he should be left behind.
A DEAD SHOT.
A  barrister on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury his
feats in shooting, said that he had on a recent occasion
shot thirty hares before breakfast —  Thirty hairs!"
exclaimed the witty Lord, "Why, you must have been
firing at a wig."
CHERRY AND THE MANAGER.
Mr. A. Cherry, the actor, once received an offer of an
engagement from a country manager, who had on some




300             Book of Htumou,
occasion previously treated him badly.  Cherry declined
the offer on the plea that he had been bitten once by
the manager, and he had determined that he should
not make two bites of a cherry.
DUBLIN STAGE ANECDOTES OF BYGONE TIMES.
The following Theatrical Reminiscences are recorded
in the "Dublin University Magazine:"-Mossop opened
his first campaign with spirit.  His best cards, next to
himself, were Digges and Mrs. Bellamy.   But the
lady's charms and powers were on the wane-her voice
had lost its music and her eyes their brilliancy.  Each
house endeavoured to forestall the other by anticipating
plays in preparation.  Unfair means were resorted to to
obtain intelligence.   Animosities between the two
theatres were carried to such a pitch, that a man in the
Crow Street interest arrested Mrs. Bellamy as she was
passing through the stagedoor to her dressing-room. The
bailiff owned to her that he had been particularly ordered
not to execute the writ on a morning, as it was known
she had friends who would advance the money.  Her
part on the first night of a new play was, consequently,
obliged to be read.  She relates the anecdote in her
own " Memoirs," and adds, that although her salary was
fifty guineas a week she never had one in hand. The
Smock Alley government retorted by a counter-stroke.
One night Barry lay dead on the stage as Romeo.
After the curtain fell, two sons of Agrippa, who had




TVit ancd WZVisdom.             301
been smuggled behind the scenes as " swells," advanced
towards him, and with great delicacy and  attention
helped him to rise.  A1l three thus standing together,
Barry in the centre, one of them  whispered politely,
" Pardon me, sir, I have an action against you," and
touched him on the shoulder. " Indeed!" said Barry,
" this is rather a piece of treachery.  At whose suit?"
The men named the plaintiff, and Barry, who had no
alternative, prepared to walk off the stage in their custody.  At that moment the scenemen and carpenters,
who now understood how it was with their master, after
a little busy whispering consultation, went off and almost immediately returned, dragging on with them an
ominous-looking piece of machinery, followed by a particularly bold and ferocious fellow, who grasped a
hatchet.  Barry, surprised, asked them, " what they
were about?"  One of them said, "Sir, we are only
preparing the altar of Merope, because we are going
to have a sacrifice."   The savage-looking carpenter
hereupon flourished his hatchet and grinned horribly
at the bailiffs.  Barry alarmed, exclaimed, "Be quiet,
you foolish fellows."  But perceiving they were seri.
ous, he beckoned the two catch-poles to accompany
him, and led them through the lobbies and passages in
safety to the outward door of the theatre, where they
quitted him on his assurance that the debt should be
settled the next morning.  They wished him  goodnight with many thanks, and rejoicing in their escape
with whole bones.  An incident somewhat similar to




302             Book of Humoulr,
this, but more ludicrous, occurred when Carter, the lion
king, as he was called, was exhibiting with Ducrow at
Astley's.  A  manager with whom  Carter had made
and broken an engagement issued a writ against him.
The bailiffs came to the stage-door and asked for Carter.  " Show the gentlemen up," said Ducrow; and
when they reached the stage there sat Carter composedly
in the great cage, with an enormous lion on each side
of him.  " There's Mr. Carter waiting for you, gentlemen," said Ducrow, " go in and take him.  Carter, my
boy, open the door."  Carter proceeded to obey, at the
same time eliciting, by a private signal, a tremendous
roar from his companions.  The bailiffs staggered back
in terror, rolled over each other as they rushed down
stairs, and nearly fainted before they reached the street.
O'Keeffe says: "I was once asked by Barry, who
knew my skill in drawing, to make his face for' Lear.'
I went to his dressing-room, and used my camel-hair
pencil and Indian ink, with, as I thought, a very venerable effect. When he came into the green-room, royally
dressed., asking some of the performers how he looked,
Isaac Sparkes, in his Lord-Chief Joker way, remarked,'as you belong  to  the London  Beef-steak  Club,
O'Keeffe has made you peeping through a gridiron.'"
Actors have strange ideas on the subject of what they
call making up their faces.  We have seen old Mick
Fullam, at eighty, deeply indenting his furrowed visage
with black lines, to make him look, as he thought, more
like an aged man.  Barry was so doubtful of his own




Wit and T'isdo.z.               303
conceptions, that he was in the habit of asking experienced stage carpenters, at rehearsals, to give him  their
opinion how he acted such and such a passage; and he
used to call them aside for this purpose.  So Moliere
was accustomed to read his humorous scenes to his
housekeeper, a dull and heavy old lady; and if she
laughed, he allowed them to stand.
A  QUERY ANSWERED,
Why can a person who has run away from his creditors,
be said to be a man of integrity?  Because he is a non
eit man.
How TO CURE THE GOUT.
Abernethy, the celebrated surgeon, was once asked by
a gourmand what was the best cure for the gout.  "Live
upon sixpence a day-and earn it! " was the answer.
GEORGE FREDERICK COOKE.
On one occasion when this famous actor was playing
his celebrated character of Richard the Third, the person enacting Ratcliff was very imperfect in his part.
Coming on the stage, in the fifth act of the play, to King
Richard, just as he concludes his well-known soliloquy
in the tent-scene, the King inquires, as Ratcliff enters,
"Who's there?"   On the occasion in question, Rat



304              Book of Huzmour,
cliff got as far in his speech in reply, as "'Tis I-the
early village cock "-and he could proceed no further.
After a short pause, Cooke, with a humorous twinkle
of his eye, said, "Why the deuce don't you crow then."
MADEMOISELLE PICCOLOMINI.
Mr. Lumley, the late manager of Her Majesty's
Theatre, thus speaks of this charming singer in his
book containing memories of the opera.  It may be
fairly  said, without detracting  fionm  Mademoiselle
Piccolomini's merits, that a certain portion  of the
excitement which she created on her first appearance
may be attributed to the romance which signalized her
operatic career.  The descendant of a noble Italian
family, which had given popes, cardinals, generals, and
statesmen to her native country; the child of a race so
often illustrated in history; living in right of her name,
her title, and her family connections, in the first Italian
society of Rome and France, she had from her earliest
childhood conceived irresistible longings, augmenting
with years, to devote herself to the public profession of
that art she felt within her, and which seemed to point
out the course of her destiny.  Private life grew more
and more wearisome, became almost impossible to bear,
as these aspirations strengthened with her advance to
womanhood.  So urgent was the incessant importunity
of little Marietta Piccolomini, that her parents weie
obliged  at last to yield a reluctant consent to her




IVil and  Wisdom.                305
appearance on the operatic stage.  Her youth, her
vivacity, her piquante grace, ensured her a favourable
reception, even as a novice.  Her fame soon increased;
in Florence, Rome, and Turin, she was welcomed as
the spoiled child of the public.  In the " Traviata,"
more especially, her success was enthusiastic.  On
many  occasions  her ardent admirers  would  have
dragged her carriage home, had not the spirited girl
herself protested  against such  mistaken  homage, or
escaped by a ruse from so doubtful a triumph.
A  PHILOSOPHIC CLERGYMAN.
A  certain preacher gave it as one proof of the wise
and benevolent disposition  of Providence, that the
greatest rivers were always seen to flow past the most
populous towns.
A  WRONG CONVERSION.
Old Elwes, the miser, having  listened  to a very
eloquent discourse  on  charity, remarked:  I That
sermon so strongly proves the necessity of alms-giving,
that-I've almost a mind to beg."
A  CURIOUS NOTION OF HEAVEN.
Dean  Ramsay, in his " Reminiscences," relates the
following anecdote:-At Hawick  the people wear
x




306              Book of HuZmZourl
wooden clogs, which make a clanking noise on the
pavement.  A  dying old woman had some friends by
her bed-side, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are
gaun to heeven, an' gin you should see our folk, ye
can tell'em  that we're a' weel."  To which Jenny
replied, C Weel, gin I should see them I'se tell them;
but you mauna expect that I am to gang clank, clanking thro' heeven lookin' for your folk!"
A CANDID OPINION.
A vain and fiivolous authoress asked Dr. Johnson to give
her his opinion of a work she had written, of which she
handed him  the manuscript for perusal, saying at the
same time that she " had other irons in the fire."  After
perusing a page or two the Doctor returned it to her,
saying, that his " candid opinion was that she had better
put it where her other irons were."
SWIFT'S ENIGMA UPON THE VOWELS.
We are little airy creatures,
All of different voice and features;
One of us in glass is set,
One of us you'll find in jet.
T'other you may see in tin,
And the fourth a box within.
If the fifth you should pursue,
It can never fly fiom you.




Wit aiid TWisdom.              307
A SHARP REBUFF.
A well-beneficed old clergyman was holding forth at a
dinner-table upon the great profits of his living, much
to the annoyance of every one present; when, happening to stretch over the table hands remarkable for their
dirtiness, Foote, who was present, struck in with"Well, doctor, I for one am  not at all surprised at
your profits, for I see you keep the glebe in your
hands."
A SMALL LOAF.
A half-famished fellow in the Southern States tells of
a baker (whose loaves had been growing "6small by
degrees and beautifully less") who, when going his
rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door of
one and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed,'"Who's there?" and was answered, "The baker."
"What do you want?"   "To leave your bread."
"' Well, you needn't make such a fuss about it-put it
through the keyhole."
INSCRIPTION FOR A TOBACCO-BOX.
A  Mr. Pratt, the popular landlord of a much-fi-equented provincial tavern known as the Bull's Head,
had on one occasion provided a new tobacco-box for




308             Book of Humnour,
the use of such of his guests as were smokers.  It was
suggested that an inscription should be written for the
box, when a punster present produced the following
lines.  The Mr. Bradford alluded to was a noted
brewer, the Allsopp of the district:Ye gay sons of Momus, who come to this Domus,
Yourselves with a glass to regale;
All here's of the best,-brandy, gin, and the rest,
And there's plenty of Bradford's old ale.
So fill up your glasses, and drink to the lasses,
And replenish your pipes from this box;
There's all kind of good cheer, from Champagne to
mild beer,
To be found at the Head of the Ox.
Fox AND HIS NAMESAKE.
A  namesake of Charles Fox having been hung at
Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether
he had attended the execution?  " No," was his reply,
" I make a point of never attending rehearsals."
ALGERNON SYDNEY'S HEROISM.
Algernon Sydney, on being told that he might save
his life by uttering an untruth, said, "When  God
has brought me into a dilemma in which I must assert
a lie or lose my life, he gives me a clear indication of
my duty, which is to prefer death to falsehood."




Wit and Wisdom.                 309
SINGING ANGELS.
Last summer, says an American author, in the height
of mosquito time, the little rascals had their songs in
the night to the annoyance of every one.  While my
little sister Ettie, then about five years old, was being
put to bed, her mother said to her, " Ettie, you must
always be a good girl, and then at night, while you are
asleep, the angels will come and watch around your
bed."  " Oh yes, ma," said Ettie, " I know  that, I
heard them singing all around my head last night."
TRUE AND FALSE COURAGE.
Courage is incompatible with the fear of death; but
every villain fears death; therefore no villain can be
brave.   He may, indeed, possess the courage of a
rat, and fight with desperation, when driven into a
corner.  If by craft and crime a successful adventurer
should be enabled to usurp a kingdom, and to command
its legions, there may be moments, when, like Richard
on the field of Bosworth, or Napoleon on the plains of
Marengo, all must be staked; an awful crisis, when, if
his throne be overturned, his scaffold must rise upon its
ruins. Then, indeed, though the cloud of battle should
lower on his hopes, while its iron hail is rattling
around him, the greatest coward will hardly fly to
insure that death which he can only escape by facing.




3 IC            Book of Humour,
Yet the glare of a courage thus elicited by danger,
where fear conquers fear, is not to be compared to that
calm sunshine which constantly cheers and illuminates
the breast of him who builds his confidence on virtuous
principle; it is rather the transient and evanescent
lightning of the storm, and which derives half its lustre
from the darkness that surrounds it.
POSTHUMOUS CHARITY.
Charities of this kind are the very essence of selfishness,
when bequeathed by those who, when alive, would
part with nothing.
PICCOLOMINI AND HER MOTHER.
Mr. Lumley, in his " Reminiscences of the Opera,"
gives the following account of his difficulties with the
mother of this popular artiste:-The principal successes
of the season had been unquestionably due to Mademoiselle Piccolomini and Signor Giuglini: both had
worked zealously and  unremittingly  to  secure the
fortunes of the theatre.  The spirit and ardour of the
" pet" never for one moment flagged.  Yet she must
have had much with which to contend, both within
and without the walls of the theatre.  The Countess
Piccolomini, her mother, although born in a higher
sphere, was, in all her connection with the stage, the
veritable type of the "mere d'artiste."  How  she




Wit azd Wisdom.                 3 1 I
discouraged her sprightly and buoyant daughter by
constant grumblings, predicting that every new part she
undertook would be a "fiasco."   How  she harassed
the management with  complaints that her daughter
was being worn to death by her exertions and overfatigue.  " Are you so really fatigued?"  I once
asked the " pet," in sympathy.  " Well! they tell me
I am," answered the young lady, with a joyous and
ringing laugh.  These perpetual lamentations were only
to be met by pleasantry.  "Of course your daughter
must be completely worn out," would be the playful
answer; " she is getting so miserably thin " (she was
as plump as a little partridge);   she is actually bent
double"  (she was bounding about the stage like a
young fawn).  " She sang the Traviata last night
better than ever; whereas, when she first came, she
sang with effort, forcing her voice.  Of course, all that
must be accounted for by excessive fatigue."   But
Marietta was never happy except when she found herself upon the stage.  " I have a hard task between
you," I said to her, good-humouredly; " your mother
complains that I make you sing too much, and you
that I make you sing too little."
REFLECTIONS ON IMPROVIDENCE.
If some persons were to bestow the one half of their
fortune in learning how  to spend the other half, it
would be money extremely well laid out.  He that




312             Book of Hizuour,
spends two fortunes, and permitting himself to be twice
ruined, dies at last a beggar, deserves no commiseration.
He has gained neither experience  from  trial, nor
repentance firom  reprieve.  He has been all his life
abusing fortune, without enjoying her, and purchasing
wisdom, without possessing her.
AVARICE.
This vice has ruined more men than prodigality, and
the blindest thoughtlessness of expenditure has not
destroyed  so many fortunes, as the calculating but
insatiable lust of accumulation.
AN UNKNOWN BENEFACTCR.
It is not known where he that invented the plough
was born, nor where he died; yet he has effected more
for the happiness of the world, than the whole race of
heroes and of conquerors, who have drenched it with
tears, and manured it with blood, and whose birth,
parentage, and education, have been handed down to us
with a precision precisely proportionate to the mischief
they have done.
GOLD AND IRON.
There are two metals, one of which is omnipotent in
the cabinet, and the other in the camp,-gold and iron.




Wit anld Wisdoim.               313
He that knows how to apply them  both, may indeed
attain the highest station, but he must know something
more to keep it.  It has been doubted whether Cromwell, with all his pretended sanctity, and all his real
courage, could have maintained his power one short
year longer, even if he had not died in the fifty-ninth
year of his age, and on the anniversary of that very
day, which he had always considered as the most
fortunate of his life.
GRACE AFTER DINNER.
Dean Swift was once invited by a rich miser with a
large party to dine; being requested by the host to
return thanks at the removal of the cloth, the Dean
uttered the following grace:Thanks for this miracle!-this is no less,
Than to eat manna in the wilderness.
Where raging hunger reign'd we've found relief,
And seen that wondrous thing, a piece of beef.
Here chimneys smoke, that never smoked before,
And we've all ate, where we shall eat no more!
CARDINAL TWOLSEY.
This celebrated man who made so important a figure
in English History in Henry VIII.'s time was of very
humble origin.  The following is a legendary account




314             Book of Humour,
of his rising in the king's favour:-That he was a
butcher's son at Ipswich is commonly known; but the
particular circumstance that first recommended him to
Henry VIII. was this:-It happened that his Majesty
had occasion to  send to the Emperor Maximilian,
about some business that required dispatch, and Wolsey
was pitched upon to be the messenger, who, having
received his instructions, left the king at Richmond
about noon, and by next morning got to Dover.; from
thence by noon he arrived at Calais, and by night was
with the Emperor; to whom, having delivered his
message, and received a present dispatch, he returned
before morning to Calais, and the night following came
to the Court at Richmond.  The next morning he
appeared before the king, who, in the utmost violence
of rage was about to lay him  dead'at his feet for
neglecting to execute his orders, which were of the
utmost importance.  Wolsey pacified his anger by
presenting to him  the emperor's letter.  The king,
astonished at his speed, asked him, " If he had met the
messenger whom  he had sent after him, to acquaint
him with a circumstance which in his instructions he
had forgotten."  Wolsey answered that he had; adding, " That the commands he brought I had dispatched
before; for knowing it to be of such necessary dependence on my other instructions, I took the boldness
to do it without a commission, for which I humbly
beseech your Majesty's forgiveness."  The king, seeing
him  of such uncommon abilities, not only pardoned




Wit and Wisdom.                 315
him, but bestowed the deanery of Lincoln..upon him,
and soon after made him his almoner.
RATHER TOO FAST.
A Scotch  newspaper relates that "A  beggar wife,
on receiving a gratuity from the Rev. John Skinner, of
Langside, author of'Tullochgorum,' said to him by
way of thanks,'Oh, sir, I houp that ye and a' your
family will be in heaven the nicht.''Weell,  said
Skinner,' I am very much obliged to you; only you
need not have just been so particular as to the time.'"
DOUBT THE THRESHOLD OF WiISDOM.
Doubt is the vestibule which all must pass, before they
can enter into the temple of wisdom; therefore, when
we are in doubt, and puzzle out the truth by our own
exertions, we have gained a something that will stay by
us, and which will serve us again.  But, if to avoid
the trouble of the search, we avail ourselves of the
superior information of a friend. such knowledge will
not remain with us; we have not bought but borrowed
it.
Vox POPULI.'The mob is a monster with the hands of Briareus,
but the head of Polyphemus; strong to execute, but
blind to perceive.




3 6             Book of Humour,
AN AFFECTIONATE SON.
An Irishman swearing the peace against his three sons,
thus concluded:-" The only one of my children who
shows me any real filial affection is my youngest son,
Larry, for he never strikes me when I'm down."
UNCERTAINTY MAGNIFIES CALAMITY.
Mystery magnifies danger as the fog the sun.  The
hand  that unnerved  Belshazzar derived  its most
horrifying influence fiom the want of a body; and
death itself is not formidable in what we do know of
it, but in what we do not.
A WITTY AUCTIONEER.
A  gentleman having bought a table at ar auction did
not, as he ought to have done, come to fetch it away
The auctioneer pronounced him to be the most un-comfor-table man he ever sold anything to.
PROVIDENTIAL AFFLICTIONS.
When sent by Providence, they melt the constancy of
the noble minded, but confirm  the obduracy of the
vile.  The same furnace that hardens clay, liquefies
gold; and in the strong manifestations of divine power,
Pharaoh found his punishment, but David his pardon.




Wit and Wisdom.                 317
MUTUAL REMEMBRANCE.
Dean Ramsay, in his' Reminiscences," relates that Mr.
Miller of Ballumbie had occasion to find fault with
one of his labourers, who had been improvident and
known better days.  He was digging a drain, and he
told him if he did not make better work he should turn
him off.  The man was very angry, and throwing down
his spade, called out in a tone of resentment, " Ye are
ower pridefu', Davie Miller. I mind ye i' the warld
when ye had neither cow nor ewe."  "Very well,"
replied Mr. Miller, mildly, " I remember you when you
had both."
FRIENDSHIP CEMENTED IN ADVERSITY.
The firmest friendslips have been formed in mutual
adversity, as iron is most strongly united by the fiercest
flame.
BOINAPARTE'S OPINION OF SIR JOHN MOORE.
The Emperor Napoleon paid the following handsome
tribute to the memory of Sir John Moore:" Moore," said he, " was a brave soldier, an excellent
officer, and a man of talent. He made a few mistakes,
which were probably inseparable from  the difficulties
with which he was surrounded, and caused, perhaps, by




31 8            Pook of Huzour;,
his information having misled him."  This eulogium,
he repeated more than once; and observed that he had
commanded the reserve in Egypt, where he had behaved
very well, and displayed talents.   To an observation
that Sir John Moore was always conspicuously situated
in  action, and  was  generally wounded, Napoleon
answered, " Ah! it is necessary sometimes,  He died
gloriously-he died like a soldier."
A'WORD OF ADVICE.
Always look at those whom you are talking to, never
at those whom you are talking of.
A WiSE GOOSE.
A  man in Norridgework, Maine, says an American
paper, has a goose sixty-eight years old.  Though attaining this green old age, she nevertheless is not a green
goose.  The secret of her longevity consists in the fact
that she hid away for several seasons, at Christmas time,
until she became so tough that they couldn't kill her,
and let her live on.
EDUCATION A CLAIM FOR OBEDIENCE.
It was a remark of Socrates, that " He who makes his
son worthy of esteem by giving him a liberal education,
has a far better title to his obedience and duty than he
that gives him a large estate without it."




lWit and Wisdom.                319
A  REASON FOR CHARITY.
Aristotle, being reproached for giving alms to a bad
man, answered, " I did not give it to the man, I gave
it to humanity."
THE BATTLE OF THE NIVELLE.
Captain Gronow, speaking of the battle of Nivelle, says:
-The colonel of an infantry regiment, who shall be
nameless, being hard pressed, showed a disposition not
only to run away himself, but to order his regiment to
retire.  In fact, a retrograde movement had commenced,
when my gallant and dear friend Lord Charles Spencer,
aide-de-camp to Sir William Stewart, dashed forward,
and seizing the colours of the regiment, exclaimed, " If
your colonel will not lead you, follow me, my boys."
The gallantry of this youth, then only eighteen years of
age, so animated the regiment, and restored their confidence, that they rallied and shared in the glory of the
day.
A QUEER ADVERTISEMENT.
A  daily paper contained the following advertisement:
" A piano for sale by a lady about to cross the channel
in an oak case with carved legs."  Probably it was the
piano's legs that were carved, not the lady's.




320              Book of Humour,
MARTIN LUTHER.
Luther used to say that a man lives forty years before
he knows himself to be a fool, and at the time in which
he begins to see his folly his life is nearly finished; so
that many men die before they begin to live.  He died
in I 546, at Eisleben, in Saxony.  Not long before his
death he was asked by one of his friends whether he
died in the firm conviction of the truth of the doctrines
he had preached.  He answered "Yes," in a loud
tone of voice, and expired immediately.  Seckendorf
describes him as possessing an uncommon genius, a lively
imagination, a good share of learning, a devout disposition, a tincture of melancholy and enthusiasm, and a
great warmth and impetuosity, which impelled him to
insult and ridicule his adversaries.  He was (says Seckendorf) fond of music, and was both a composer and
performer, which, he said, was equally good for soul
and body; that it expelled melancholy, and put the
devil to flight, who mortally hated music.  He composed some poems both in Latin and German.
A CANDID CRITIC.
The following anecdote of Mr. Charles Kean is related
in " Blackwood's Magazine":~" During one of Charles
Kean's visits to the United States, he was entertained
at dinner by one of the great New York merchants.




Wit and Wisdom.                 321
Opposite to him at the table there sat a gentleman, who
continued to observe him with marked attention, and at
last called on the host to present him to Mr. Kean.
The introduction was duly made, and ratified by drinking wine together; when the stranger, with much impres.
siveness of manner, said,' I saw you in Richard last
night.'  Kean, feeling, not unnaturally, that a compliment was approaching, smiled blandly and bowed.' Yes, sir,' continued the other, in a slow, almost judicial
tone:' I have seen your father in Richard; and I saw
the last Mr. Cooke'-another pause, in which Charles
Kean's triumph was gradually mounting higher and
higher.'Yes, sir; Cooke, sir, was better than your
father; and your father, sir, a long way better than
you!' 
A HINT TO THE GARRULOUS.
There are prating coxcombs in the world, who would
rather talk than listen, although Shakspeare himself
were the orator, and human nature the theme.
ABELARD AND ELOISA.
Abelard and Eloisa were the most learned persons of
their time.  He was a celebrated teacher of grammar,
of philosophy, and of theology.  She was exquisitely
beautiful, and well skilled in the Latin, Greek, and
Hebrew  languages.   Eloisa became Abbess of the
Convent of the Paraclete.  She inspired her nuns with
y




322             Book of Huzoutr,
such a passion for learning that, according to a contemporary writer, without being Syrians, Greeks, or
Romans, they spoke the different languages of those
countries as well as their native tongue, and on certain
days in the year sang the offices of the Catholic Church
in Hebrew, in Greek, and in Latin.
The manner of Eloisa's taking the veil is thus
described by a writer of her time,:On the day appointed for the ceremony, the Bishop
of Paris officiated.  He gave his benediction to the
veil that, according to the custom of the times, was
placed upon the altar, and which the novice was to
advance from  her seat in the choir to take and put
upon her head.  Eloisa was now advancing with a
firm step towards the altar, to receive this emblem of
seclusion fiom  the world, and of oblivion to its pleasures, when a great number of persons of all ranks,
who were present at this mournful ceremony, struck
with admiration at her beauty, which was increased by
her extreme youth, and by the general opinion that
was gone forth in the world of her mental accomplishments and acquisitions, felt the deepest commiseration
for the sacrifice she was about to perform.  Some persons of'the. greatest consequence amongst them  approached her, and entreated her, with tears in their eyes,
to give up her intention; and made use of arguments
so pressing, that she appeared for a few minutes not
insensible to what they said to her.  She was heard to
sigh bitterly, but her sighs arose from a motive diffe



Wit and  Wisdom.                    323
rent from  what the  surrounding multitude supposed.
Abelard, who was always present to her imagination,
was the only cause.  She was heard to say to herself,'Alas, unhappy husband, is it then possible that the
rigour of fortune has so violently oppressed so distinguished a man!  How  came I to become his wife,
merely to render him  miserable!  No, no, I was unworthy of being united with him, and since I am the
cause of all his miseries, it is but just that I should
suffer the punishment for them."   Having  spoken
thus, she tore herself away from the hands of the persons that were attempting to hold her, and ran up to
the altar, as to a funeral pile, upon which she was to
consummate the sacrifice.  She then, with the greatest
reverence, kissed the holy cloth that covered it, took
the black veil fiom  it with her own hands, covered
her face with it, and pronounced her vows with a
courage and a firm tone of voice superior to the natural
timidity of her sex.
Abelard is thus described by Ambcesus:-This
unparalleled personage was a grammarian, an orator, a
poet, a musician, a philosopher, a theologian, a mathematician, an astronomer, a civilian.  He played upon
many instruments.  He knew  five or six languages.
He was ignorant of nothing that sacred or profane
history contained.  The tomb of this famous person is
in the cemetery of Pere la Chaise, Paris, where it
forms one of the most attractive objects in this celebrated burial-place.




324              Book of Humour,
THE RULING PASSION.
A  few days preceding Curran's death he made a joke
of the very illness with which he was suffering.  His
physician calling one morning, observed that he (Curran)
coughed very badly.  " That is very strange," said he,
" for I have been practising all night."
HURRY AND DISPATCH.
No two  things differ more than hurry and dispatch.
Hurry is the mark of a weak mind, dispatch of a strong
one.  A  weak man in office, like a squirrel in a cage,
is labouring eternally, but to no purpose, and in constant
motion without getting on a jot; like a turnstile, he is in
everybody's way, but stops nobody; he talks a great
deal, but says very little; looks into every thing, but
sees into nothing; and has a hundred irons in the fire,
but very few of them are hot, and with those few that
are, he only burns his fingers.
ILL-CONSTRUCTED SENTENCES.
An American paper gives some whimsical instances of
the erroneous construction of sentences:-~" In narrating an incident some time since, it was stated that a poor
old woman was run over by a cart aged sixty.  So in
a case of supposed poisoning:'He had something in a




Wit and Wisdom.                  325
blue paper in his hand, and I saw him put his head over
the pot, and put it in!'  Another, swallowing a base
coin:'He snatched the half-crown from  the boy,
which he swallowed.'  An old fellow, who had for
many years sold combustible matches in London, had
the following cry:' Buy a pennyworth of matches of a
poor old man made of foreign wood!' "
DEAN SWIFT AND THE ALMANAC-MAKER.
The following amusing reminiscence of Dean Swift and
Partridge, the Almanac-maker, is recorded in Russell's "Eccentric Personages:"-One John Partridge
published a prophetic almanac, which had a large sale.
It was not, perhaps, more absurdly audacious than our
modern Francis Moore and Zadkiel's publications.  It,
however, so stirred Swift's bile, that he sent a letter to
the papers, subscribed " Isaac Bickerstaff, the Modern
Merlin," in which he foretold the death of Partridge,
naming the day and hour when that sad and solemn
event would take place.  Poor Partridge was terribly
annoyed; the prediction seemed likely, as sometimes
happens, to fulfil itself.  He, however, survived the
day upon which Isaac Bickerstaff, as interpreter of the
stars, had foretold that he would die.  He announced
that important fact, in the belief that it would put his
persecutor to shame.  Not at all; very far from  that.
The only notice taken by Swift of the almanac-maker's
assertion that he was alive and well was the publication




326             Book of Humz our,
of a monody on his death.  The assertion of his being
alive was coolly ignored.  Vainly did the persecuted
Partridge write again to the newspapers, " Blessed be
God, John Partridge is still living and in health, and
they are all knaves who report otherwise."  Strange to
say, the Stationers' Company believed Isaac Bickerstaff,
and prohibited the publication of Partridge's almanacforasmuch  as that person was defunct.  In his extremity, Partridge engaged the facile pen of Dr. Yalden,
who wrote a pamphlet, which set forth the pros and
cons of the argument, very elaborately summing up the
case by a hesitating opinion that John Partridge was
still in the flesh. The Doctor was a wag and a friend
of Swift's.  John Partridge was never able tosuccessfully prove his own identity, and at last he appears to
have been himself somewhat doubtful of it.
A  FRENCHMAN'S BLUNDER.
A  Frenchman having heard the word press made use
of to signify persuasion-as "press that gentleman to
take something to eat "-took occasion one evening at
a party to use a term which he thought synonymous, and
begged a friend present to " squeeze a young lady to
sing."
LAW AND EQUITY.
They  are two  things which God hath joined, but
which man hath put asunder.




Wit and Wisdom.                   327
INTENDED FOR THE CHURCH.
Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had
for a colleague a remarkably tall and slender gentleman,
who had originally intended to take orders.   The
judge observing that the case under discussion involved
a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with,
"I can refer your lordship to a high authority behind
me, who was once intended for the church, though in
my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
A MANAGER'S DIFFICULTIES.
Mr. Lumley, ex-director of Her Majesty's Theatre,
thus illustrates some of the difficulties to which a manager is subjected:-Signor Mario, who  had  already
sung the part of Pollione in Paris, was, naturally, called
upon to resume his position in that opera.  But Signor
Mario refused so to do.  He was appealed to as " an
artist, and as a gentleman," to assist the manager under
the embarrassment of the occasion.  He still declined.
A sore throat was then urged as the pretext of his refusal, and rival doctors published on the morrow advertisements respectively asserting and denying his inability
to sing.  The difficulty of the " situation" being great,
I wrote to Signor Mario, entreating him, if he could
not sing, at least to appear, in order to propitiate the
public by this demonstration of his good-will.  The




328             Book of Humour,
tenor's answer was, that he was engaged to sing and not
to appear.  When at last another tenor was substituted,
and already dressed for the part, Signor Mario (who by
this time had probably been made aware of the false
position in which he was placing himself) appeared in
the theatre, to the astonishment of the manager, and declared himself, in inverted phrase, ready to appear but
not to sing.  It was then too late.  In point of fact,
Signor Mario refused to sing Pollione with any other
Norma then Madame Grisi.
DUM VIVIMUS VIVAMUS.
An ignorant man one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said-" So, sir, philosophers I see can indulge in delicacies."   " Why not?"
replied the other; 6' do you think providence intended
all the good things merely for fools?"
A SUGGESTION.
Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse
or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, and the
other to be buried.
INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.
When the Sultan Amurath took the city of Bagdad, he
gave orders for putting thirty thousand  Persians to




Wit and Wisdom.                329
death, though they had laid down their arms. Among
them was a musician, who begged to speak to the Emperor, and give him a specimen of his art, which was
allowed him.  He sang the taking of Bagdad and the
triumph of Amurath.  The pathetic tones, and boldness
of his strains, rendered the prince unable to restrain the
softer emotions of his soul; overpowered with harmony,
he melted into pity, and relented of his cruel intention;
he not only directed that the people should be spared,
but also that they should have instant liberty.  Amurath
retained the musician at his court, and ordered him considerable appointments.
HAND SHAKING AT A DUEL.
At a duel the combatants discharged their pistols
without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered
and proposed that the duellists should shake hands. To
this the other second objected as unnecessary.  " Their
hands," said he, " have been shaking this half-hour."
AN ARAB'S LOVE FOR HIS HORSE.
When Napoleon was in Egypt he wished to purchase
of a poor Arab of the desert, a beautiful horse, with
an intention of sending him  to France as a present.
The Arab, pressed by want, hesitated a long time, but
at length consented, on receiving a large sum of money
in payment for the animal.  Napoleon at once agreed




330             Book of Hurour,
to pay the sum named, and requested the Arab to bring
his horse.  The man, so indigent as to possess only a
miserable rag as a covering for his body, arrived with
his magnificent courser; he dismounted, and, looking
first at the gold and then steadfastly at his horse, heaved
a deep sigh.  " To whom is it," he exclaimed, "that
I am going to yield thee up?.To Europeans! who
will tie thee up close, who will beat thee, who will render thee miserable! Return with me, my beauty! my
jewel! and rejoice the hearts of my children!"   As he
pronounced the last words, he sprang upon his back,
and was out of sight almost in a moment.  This incident produced from the pen of the Hon. Mrs. Norton
a charming little poem, entitled, " The Arab's farewell
to his Steed."
POWER OF THE PRESS.
Despotism  can no more exist in a nation, until the
liberty of the press be destroyed, than the night can
happen before the sun is set.
LORD LONSDALE'S NINE PINS.
The Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor
and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members every Parliament, who were facetiously called,
" Lord Lonsdale's Nine Pins."   One of the members
thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech
in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr.




Wit and Wisdom.                 331
Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited
fiom the house loud and repeated cheers.  Mr. Fox
entering the house just as Mr. Burke was sitting down,
inquired of Sheridan what the house was cheering.
"Oh, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan; "only
Burke has knocked down one of Lord Lonsdale's
Nine Pins."
THE MANAGER AND THE CONDUCTOR.
Mr. Lumley, in his "Reminiscences," thus speaks of
Costa the conductor, and an opera by him:-It is extraordinary that Costa should have failed where it was
natural his experience would have made him  absolute
master-namely, in the adaptation of his music to the
singers' voices.  The artistes all complained (in an
undertone, of course) that the Tessitura was too high
for them, and that if the management continued to give
Signor Costa's opera, injury to their voices would be the
inevitable consequence.  One great singer (an especial
friend of the composer) urged this point strongly on the
director, at the same time expressing his surprise that
Costa, who had had so much knowledge of the voices
of the company, should compose for them  a travers.
But for these energetic remonstrances the opera might
have been given oftener, notwithstanding the serious loss
it entailed upon the treasury.  For I felt how deeply
Signor Costa was interested in its success, and, as a
matter both of good-will and policy, I was desirous of




332             Book of zHuzmour,
pleasing my conductor.  Combined, however, with the
private complaints of the artists, were the expostulations
of the subscribers, and in spite of personal inclinations I
was obliged to withdraw the opera. The composer, as
he could not suspect the artists, and slow to believe in
the dissatisfaction of the subscribers, consequently threw
all the blame on the management; and although I had
laboured hard to procure an opposite result, he ascribed
to me the comparative failure of his opera.  This
incident is one among many that tend to show  the
wisdom of the law laid down at the Grand Opera of
Paris, peremptorily forbidding the production of any
composition  either of the chef d'orcbestre or the
director of the music.
LORD CLARE AND HIS DOG.
Lord Chancellor Clare, on one occasion while Curran
was addressing him in a most important case, occupied
himself with a favourite Newfoundland dog, seated by
him in court.  Curran having ceased speaking, through
indignation, Lord Clare raised his head, and asked:
"Why don't you proceed, Mr. Curran?"   "I thought
your lordships were in consultation," replied Curran.
ANECDOTES OF WEWITZER.
Wewitzer was recognised as the greatest wit of the
green-room.  Speaking one day of his friend Tom




HTit and Wisdom.                  333
Collins, he observed, Tom had two excellent qualities;
he never lies long in bed, and never wears a great
coat.  Those who were accustomed to the petit appearance of Collins, could not avoid laughing at the
way in which his peculiarities had been brought forward.  A  gentleman from the north was boasting of
his stamina, and observed that lie ate a great deal every
morning.  " Then, sir," said Wewitzer, "I presume
you breakfast in a timber-yard! "  The gentleman took
the thing in dudgeon, and made an excellent involuntary
pun. Without knowing the name of the person who had
given him a hard breakfast, he replied, " That is Wee
wit, sir."
ELOQUENCE AND RHETORIC.
Eloquence is the language of nature, and cannot be
learnt in the schools; the passions are powerful pleaders,
and their very silence, like that of Garrick, goes directly
to the soul; but rhetoric is the creature of art, which
he who feels least, will most excel in; it is the quackery
of eloquence, and deals in nostrums, not in cures.
MELANCHOLY ACTOR.
Carlini was the first comic actor on the stage at Padua;
a single glance of his eye would diffuse a smile over
the most rigid countenance.  A  gentleman one morn,
ing waited on the first physician in that city, and re



334             Book of Humour,
quested that he would prescribe for a disease, to which
he was not merely subject, but a victim   melancholy.
"Melancholy!" repeated the physician, " you must go
to the theatre: Carlini will soon dissipate your gloom,
and enliven your spirits."  "Dear sir," said his patient,
seizing the doctor by the hand, "excuse me, I am
Carlini himself; at the moment I convulse the audience
with laughter, I am a prey of the disease which I came
to consult you on."
DRAWINGS OF CORK.
Foote, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of
his trips to the sister-kingdom, a gentleman asked him
whether he had ever been to Cork?  "No, sir," replied
Foote; " but I have seen many drazwings of it."
THE LAST DAYS OF TURNER THE PAINTER.
The following account of the last hours of this eminent
man is extracted from  Russell's "Eccentric Personages: "-Becoming more and more conscious of the
swift approach of death, and fancying, perhaps, that a
change of scene-seclusion  from  society-might retrim the expiring lamp, he suddenly left Queen Anne
Street, with merely a change of linen, as if he were
going out for a walk, and took lodging in a cottage at
Chelsea, next door to which ginger-beer was sold, and
not far from the present Cremorne Pier.  It was a long




Wit ard Wisdom.                  335
time before his whereabout was discovered by his old
faithful housekeeper, Mrs. Danby, by accident.  He
had not then many days to live. A medical gentleman
whom he had known at Margate-Margate which he
was never weary of visiting, and the memories of which
were present to him in his last hours-had been sent
for, and he had no sooner looked upon the moribund
than he gently but firmly announced that the last hour
was at hand.  Turner was greatly shocked, and refused
to believe that his end,,that " annihilation" was so near.
" Go downstairs," trembled fiom his ashen lips —" go
downstairs, and take a glass of wine.  Then come and
look at me again."   The medical gentleman did so,
returned, and again interpreted in the same words the
doom of inevitable death written unmistakably upon the
great painter's brow.  A  few hours afterwards, on the
9th December  85 I, J. M. W. Turner, R.A., expired, aged 79 years.
DR. JOHNSON'S IRENE.
When Dr. Johnson read some parts of his tragedy of
Irene to his friend Mr. Walmsley, who was registrar
of the Spiritual Court, Walmsley  objected  to  his
having brought his heroine into great distress in the
early part of the play, and asked him, " how can you
possibly contrive to plunge her into deeper calamity?"
Johnson replied, "Sir, I can put her into the Spiritual
Court I"




336              Book of Hzumour,
LORD MORDAUNT AND THE CANARY.
This anecdote is related in Russell's "-Eccentric Personages:"-An amusing anecdote is related as having
occurred just about the time of the flight of King James.
Mordaunt was in love-it may, indeed, be doubted that
he was ever out of love.  Mordaunt was in love with a
lady who had a fancy to a beautiful canary belonging to
the proprietress of a coffee-house, near Charing Cross,
and insisted that her noble lover should at any price
procure it for her.  Lord Mordaunt endeavoured to
do so, but the landlady refused to part with her pet for
any sum  of money.  The lady insisted.  He must
bring the canary, or not presume to see her face again.
Thus goaded, Mordaunt hit upon a clever expedient.
Searching the depots of bird-fanciers, he found a canary
closely resembling the superb- songster which had so
charmed his lady-love; but it was a hen canary, and
could not chirrup a note.  Hastening to the coffeehouse, Lord Mordaunt contrived to get rid of the landlady-a Catholic  and  devoted Loyalist-for a few
minutes, and adroitly substituted his female for the male
canary.  After a considerable time he called at the
coffee-house and asked the proprietress if she did not
regret having refused the handsome offer he had made
for her bird.  "Oh dear no," said the woman; " he is
more precious to me than ever; for do you know that
since our good king was compelled to leave his kingdom, he has not sung a single note!"




W it alzd Wisdom.                337
CHARLES VII. OF FRANCE.
In the midst of the distresses with which France was
harassed in the reign of this prince, and whilst the
English were in possession of Paris, Charles amused
himself with balls and entertainments.  The brave La
Hire coming to Charles one day, to talk to him on some
business of importance, while the luxurious Prince was
occupied in arranging one of his parties of pleasure, was
interrupted by the monarch, who asked him  what he
thought of his arrangement.  " I think, Sire," said he,
" that it is impossible for any one to lose his kingdom
more pleasantly than your Majesty."
COMPASSION NOT DUE TO TYRANTS.
When the cruel fall into the hands of the cruel, we read
their fate with horror, not with pity. Sylla commanded
the bones of Marius to be broken, his eyes to be pulled
out, his hands to be cut off, and his body to be torn in
pieces with pincers, and Catiline was the executioner.
" A piece of cruelty," says Seneca, " only fit for Marius
to suffer, Catiline to execute, and Sylla to command."
ANECDOTES OF DR. WHATELY.
Mr. Fitzpatrick in his'Life of Archbishop Whately,"
relates as follows:-The following  was one of the
z




338              Book of Humour,
Archbishop's stories:  "A  young chaplain of Lord
Mulgrave's had preached a sermon of great length before his lordship.' Sir,' said Lord Mulgrave, bowing
to him,' there were some things in your sermon of today I never heard before.'' Oh, my lord,' said the
flattered chaplain,'it is a common text, and I could
not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject.'' I heard the clock strike twice,' said Lord
Mulgrave."
" A  clergyman, who made a touching appeal to Dr.
Whately's generosity, was unhesitatingly accommodated
with a loan of ~40o.  He deserted the Archbishop's
levees, and was not seen at the palace, or heard of, for
many years after.  One day the doctor's study-door
opened noiselessly, and the borrower stood before him,
presenting an aspect half suggestive of H-ydon's figure
of Lazarus, and half of the Prodigal Son's return.'Hilloa!' exclaimed the Archbishop, starting up to
kill the fatted calf,  what in the name of wonder became of you so long?''I did not like to present myself before your grace,' replied the clergyman, who was
a man of high literary attainments, and of higher principle,'until I found myself in a position to return the
sum which you so generously lent me'-saying which
he advanced to the study-table and deposited upon it a
pile of bank notes.'Tut, tut!' said the Archbishop
taking the arm of his visitor,'put up your money, and
now come down to luncheon. "
A  remark made by the late Sir Philip Crampton,




Wist and Wisdom.                339
which sounded at the time extravagant, will, now that
Dr. Whately's charity is better bruited, fail to awaken
surprise:-" At a meeting of the  Irish Zoological
Society, some years ago, when a subscription among
the members was on foot, Dr. --  suggested that Dr.
Whately's name ought to be put down for at least
f5o.'He has not got it,' interposed Sir Philip
Crampton;'no one knows him better than I do; he
gives away every farthing of his income; and so privately is it bestowed that the recipients themselves are
the only witnesses of his bounty.' 
A ripe scholar and gentleman died some years since
in Dublin, leaving his family almost destitute.  Dr.
Whately, having been made acquainted with the circumstance, aided  them  by the munificent relief ot
CIO00.
A classical teacher was threatened by a legal execution;  Mr.  M —,  on his  behalf, represented
his painful situation to the Archbishop, who, having been informed that ~250 would  make him  a
comparatively free and happy man, filled  a check
for that amount, and  thus  averted  the  catastrophe.
BUSHE, SOLICITOR-GENERAL IN IRELAND.
Bushe, the Irish Solicitor-General, although attached
to the Tory party, was supposed to entertain too liberal
opinions on the Roman Catholic question.   Dining




340             Book of zHmour,
one day with the Duke of Richmond, he did not seem
ready to respond to the charter toast.  " Come, come,"
vociferated his Grace, " do justice, Mr. Solicitor, to'the immortal memory."'  He did it such ample and
such repeated justice, that at last he tumbled from his
chair.  The duke immediately raised him.  "Well,"
hiccupped Bushe, "this is indeed retribution. Attached
to the Catholics, you may declare me to be; but,
at all events I never assisted at the elevation of the
Host."
PHYSIOGNOMY.
Pickpockets and beggars are the best practical physiognomists, without having read a line of Lavater, who, it
is notorious, mistook a highwayman for a philosopher,
and a philosopher for a highwayman.
POPE'S HOMER'S ILIAD.
In  Pope's correspondence he says, "When I had
finished the first two or three books of my translation
of the Iliad, Lord Halifax desired to have the pleasure
of hearing them  read at his house.  Addison, Congreve, and Garth, were there at the reading.  In four
or five places his lordship stopped me very civilly, and
with a speech each time, much of the same kind,'I
beg your pardon, Mr. Pope; but there is something in
that passage, that does not quite please me.  Be so
good as to mark the place, and consider it a little at




Wit and Wisdom.                 341
your leisure.  I'm  sure you can give it a little turn.'
I returned from Lord Halifax's (continues Pope) with
Dr. Garth, in his chariot; and as we were going along,
was saying to the Doctor, that my Lord had laid me
under a good deal of difficulty by such loose and
general observations; that I had been thinking over
the passages ever since, and could not guess at what
it was that offended his lordship in either of them.
Garth laughed heartily at my embarrassment; and said,
I had not been long enough acquainted with Lord
Halifax to know his way yet; that I need not puzzle
myself about looking those places over and over, when
I got home.' All you need do,' says he,' is to leave
them just as they are; call on Lord Halifax two or
three months hence, thank him  for his kind observations on those passages, and then read them to him as
altered.  I have known him much longer than you
have, and will be answerable for the event.'  I
followed his advice; waited on Lord Halifax some
time after; said I hoped he would find his objections
to those passages removed; read them  to him  exactly
as they were at first; and his lordship was extremely
pleased with them, and cried out,' Aye, now they are
perfectly right; nothing can be better!' "
LUXURY AND MISERY HARDEN THE MIND.
It was from the pavilion of pleasure and enjoyment that
the Fourteenth Louis sent out his orders for the devas



342             Book of Humour,
tation of the whole palatinate; and it was from  the
bowl and the banquet, that Nero issued forth to fiddle
to the flames of Rome; and on the contrary, it was
from the loathsome bed of a most foul and incurable
disease, that Herod decreed the assassination of the
Jewish nobility; and Tippoo Saib ordered the murder
of a corps of Christian slaves, the most cruel act of his
cruel life, at a moment when he justly anticipated his
own death, and the conflagration of his capital.
ANECDOTE OF MONTESQUIEU.
M. de Montesquieu was disputing on a fact with a
counsellor of the parliament of Bordeaux, who was a
man of talent, but rather violent: the latter, after many
arguments urged with warmth, said, "Mr. President, if
it is not as I say, I give you my head."   "I accept
it," replied Montesquieu, coolly; "trifling presents preserve friendship."
RATHER SHARP.
"I live in my charmer's eyes," said a fop to Colman.
"I don't wonder at it," replied George, " for I observed she had a stye in them when I saw her last."
A  JUST MONARCH.
L'Alviano, General of the Venetian armies, was taken




HWit and  Wisdom.              343
prisoner by the troops of Louis XIIo of France,
and brought before him.  The King treated him with
his usual humanity and politeness, to which the indignant captive did not make the proper return, but behaved with great insolence.  Louis contented himself
with sending him to the quarters where the prisoners
were kept, saying to his attendants, " I have done
right to send Alviano away.  I might have put myself
in a passion with him, for which I should have been
very sorry.  I have conquered him, I should learn to
conquer myself."
HISTRIONIC BLUNDER.
An actor of no great pretension to excellence, in playing Richard the Third, having to use the expression,
when King Henry's corpse crosses the stage, " Stand
back and let the coffin pass," exclaimed with great
emphasis, " Stand back and let the parson cough."  The
house was of course convulsed.
A SHREWD ASTROLOGER.
An astrologer having predicted the death of a woman
with whom  Louis XI. of France was in love, and
which the chapter of accidents had been so kind as to
verify, the prince sent for him, and sternly told him,
" You, sir, who foretell everything, pray when shall you
die?"   The astrologer coolly replied, " I shall die,




344             Book of Hunour,
sire, three days before your Majesty."  This reply so
alarmed the king, that he ordered him  to be lodged
in one of his palaces, and taken care of.
BAXTER AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.
When Baxter was on one occasion brought before Judge
Jefferies, " Richard," said the chief justice, "I see a
rogue in thy  face."  "I did  not know," replied
Baxter, " that my face was a mirror."
PASSIONATE PEOPLE.
Plato speaking of passionate persons, says, they are like
men who stand on their heads, they see all things the
wrong way.
CHANGEABLE WEATHER.
A gentleman visiting Glasgow for the first time, and
falling in with very wet weather, inquired of a person
in the street if it always rained in Glasgow.  " Na,"
was the answer; "it snaws sometimes."
SIR THOMAS MORE.
Erasmus thus describes this great man:-" More seems
to be made and born for friendship, of which virtue he
is a sincere follower and very strict observer.  He is
not afraid to be accused of having many friends, which,




Wit and Wisdom.                 345
according to Hesiod, is no great praise.  Every one
may become More's friend; he is not slow in choosing;
he is kind in cherishing; and constant in keeping them.
If by accident he becomes the fiiend of one whose vices
he cannot correct, he slackens the reins of fiiendship
towards him, diverting it rather by little and little, than
by entirely dissolving it.   Those persons whom  he
finds to be men of sincerity, and consonant to his own
virtuous disposition, he is so charmed with, that he
appears to place his chief worldly pleasure in their conversation and company.  And although More is negligent in his own temporal concerns, yet no one is more
assiduous than himself in assisting the suits of his friends.
Why should I say more?  If any person were desirous
to have a perfect model of friendship, no one can afford
him a better than More.  In his conversation there is
so much affability and sweetness of manner, that no man
can be of so austere a disposition, but that More's conversation must make him  cheerful; and no matter so
unpleasing, but that with his wit he can take away fiom
it all disgust."
AN INGENIOUS PAINTER.
A gentleman having built a fine house, resolved to have
the staircase adorned with a scriptural subject, and chose
the passage of the Red Sea by the Israelites.  The
painter who was employed painted the wall with red
paint from  top to bottom.  When the painter had




346              Book of Hzmouzr,
finished he called his employer to see the work. " Why,"
said the gentleman, "where are the Israelites "  They
are gone over," replied the painter.    But where are
the Egyptians then?"  "The Egyptians, my lord?why they are drowned to be sure."
JENNY LIND'S DEBUT.
Mr. Lumley in his book on the Opera, thus describes
the first appearance in England of the Swedish nightingale:-The brilliant appearance of the house inside
was increased by the presence of the Queen and Prince
Albert, the Queen Dowager and Duchess of Kent, who
had all come to witness the debut of Jenny Lind.  On
the entrance of the new prima donna as Alice, the welcome given to one who, though unknown, had already
won renown, was unusually enthusiastic.  For a few
moments she appeared bewildered and "scared," but her
self-possession returned.  Her very first notes seemed to
enthral the audience.  The cadenza at the end of her
opening air-the whole of which was listened to with a
stillness quite singular-called down a hurricane of applause.  From  that moment her success was certain.
The evening went on, and before it ended, Jenny Lind
was established as the favourite of the English opera
public.  Voice, style, execution, manner, acting-all
delighted.  The triumph was achieved.  At the end
of the performance, the Queen, who during the entire
evening had repeatedly manifested her extreme satisfac



WVit and Wisdom.              347
tion, expressed to me her admiration in a tone and
manner that showed how deep an impression had been
made upon her. "What a beautiful singer! "  "What
an actress!"  "How  charming!"  "How  delightful!"  Those were the exclamations that fell from the
lips of Her Majesty, whom  I had never before seen
thus moved to enthusiasm.
"THE EARLY BIRD FINDS THE WORM."
A  father exhorting his son to rise early in the morning reminded him of the old adage.  " It's the early
bird that picks up the worm."  "Ah," replied the son,
but the worm gets up earlier than the bird."
COLMAN AND LORD ERSKINE.
Colman dining one day with Lord Erskine, the exchancellor, amongst other things observed that he had
then almost three thousand head of sheep.  " I perceive," interrupted Colman, 4' that your lordship has still
an eye to the woolsack."
HAMPDEN AND CROMWELL.
John Hampden discovered the great talents of Oliver
Cromwell through the veil which coarse manners and
vulgar habits had thrown over them; for Lord Derby
in going down the stairs of the House of Commons




348            Book of Humour,
with Mr. Hampden, observing Cromwell pass by them,
said to Hampden, "Who is that sloven immediately
before us   He is on our side I see, by his speaking
so warmly to-day."  " That sloven, as you are pleased
to call him, my lord," replied Hampden, " that sloven
I say, if we were to come to a breach with the king
(which  God forbid), will be the greatest man in
England."
MASTER OF HIS HOUSE.
A traveller coming up to an inn, and seeing the host
standing at the door, said, " Pray, are you the master
of this house?"  "Yes, sir," answered the landlord,
" my wife has been dead these three weeks."
A SAYING OF PASCAL'S.
Pascal says:-All men- naturally hate each other.  I
am certain, that if they were to know accurately what
they occasionally had said of one another, there would
not be four persons in the world who could long preserve their friendship for each other.
A FOUR-BOTTLE MAN.
A  gentleman sitting drinking alone, with three empty
bottles, which had contained port wine, beside him, was
asked: " Have you finished all that port without assistance? "  "No," replied the wine-bibber, " I had the
assistance of a bottle of Madeira."




Wit and  Wisd>dom.              349
PRECEDENCE.
The late King of Prussia was told by one of his courtiers, that two ladies of high rank had a dispute about
precedence, which was become so serious, that it was
necessary for his Majesty to interfere.  " Why then,"
said the king, " give the precedence to the greatest fool."
A PURITAN REPROVED.
A  puritan preacher rebuked a young girl, who had
just been making her hair into ringlets, " Ah," said he,
" had God intended your locks to be curled, he would
have curled them for you."  "When I was an infant,"
replied the damsel, " he did; but now I am grown up,
he thinks I am able to do it myself."
THE DUKE OF GUISE.
The Duke was informed that a Protestant gentleman
had come into his camp with an intention to assassinate
him.  He sent for him (who immediately avowed his
intention), and the Duke asked him, whether his design
arose from any offence he had ever given him.  " Your
Excellence never gave me any, I assure you," replied
the gentleman; " my motive for desiring your life is,
because you are the greatest enemy our religion ever
knew."  " Well, then, my friend," said the Duke to




350            Book of Humour,
him,'" if your religion incites you to assassinate me, my
religion tells me to forgive you;" and he sent him immediately out of his camp.  Another person was once
brought to the Duke, who had boasted that he would
kill him.  The Duke, looking at him very attentively,
and observing his extremely embarrassed and sneaking
countenance, said to his officers, shrugging up his
shoulders, " That blockhead will never have the heart
to kill me; let him go; it is not worth while to arrest
him."
COLMAN A COURTIER.
One day at the table of George the Fourth, when
Prince Regent, the royal host said, " Why, Colman,
you are older than I am?"  "Oh no, sir," replied
Colman, " I could not take the liberty of coming into
the world before your royal highness!"
A     n   f  




INDEX.
ABELARD and Eloisa, 321.                 A just monarch, 342.
Abernethy "floored," 64.                  Alchymists, good conferred by tlle;
Abernethy's prescription, 20.               191.
Absent man, the antiquarian and the,  Almanac-maker, the, and Dean Swift,
271.                                     325.
Absent mind, an, 9.                      Alteration, a slight, 59.
Actor, a bill-sticker turned, 37.        Ambassadress, a mot by an, 44.
Actor, melancholy, 333.                  Ambition, 124.
Actor on trial, 252.                     Ambition and avarice, 115.
Actor's cold, an, 211.                   American bathos, 245.
Actor, Suett the, 64.                     American deacon, an, 208.
Address, a hero's, to his men, 276.      American eagle, the, 213.
Address, a soldierly, 97.                 American innkeeper, an, 30.
Advantage of learning, 171.               Americanism, an, 5, 68.
Advantages of history, the, 18.           American love story, an, 13.
Adversity, friendship  cemented in, American railways, sleeping cars on,
317.                                      97.
Adversity, prepare for, 176.              American war, an incident in the, 54.
Adversity, prosperity and, 137.             69.
Advertisement, an, 41.                    Amiable young lady, an, 51.
Advertisement, a queer, 319.              An affectionate son, 316.
Advertisement, curious, 20, 231.          Analysis, chemical, 39.
Advice, a word of, 318.                   An Arab's love for his horse, 329.
Advice to disputants, 82.                 Ancestors, Napoleon's, 153.
Advice to orators, 137.                   Anecdote of Curran, 198.
Advice to the married, 171.               Anecdote of Dr. Parr, 229.
Advocates, conscientious, 156.            Anecdote of Garrick, 275.
Affectation and hypocrisy, 208.           Anecdote of George I., 201.
Afflictions, providential, 316.           Anecdote of King Charles II., 125.
A four-bottle man, 348.                   Anecdote of Lord Bacon, 288.
African ants, 88.                         Anecdote of Lord Byron, 86.




352                               Index.
Anecdote of Lord Eldon, 109.           BACON, Lord, anecdote of, 288.
Anecdote of Lord Jeffrey, 42.           Bad company, avoid, 96.
Anecdote of Lord Lyndhurst, 241.        Baird, Sir David's mother. 154.
Anecdote of Montesquieu, 342.           Bannister, Palmer and, 204.
Anecdote of Mrs. Coutts, 286.           Barons, learned, 258.
Anecdote of Raphael, 263.               Barry's eloquence, 251.
Anecdote of Sheridan, 120.              Bathos, American, 245.
Anecdotes of Dr. Whately, 337.          Battle of the Nile, 1.
Anecdotes of Napoleon, 130.             Battle of the Nivelle, 319.
Anecdotes of the Dublin stage of by- Baxter and Judge Jefferies, 344.
gone times, 300.                      Bear no malice, 162.
Anecdotes of Wewitzer, 332.             Beau Brummell in exile, 296.
Angels, singing, 309.                   Beau Nash and Dr. Cheyne, 225.
Anger, 87, 226.                         Beau Nash and Quin, 280.
An ingenious painter, 345.              Beauty of charity, 148.
An Irishman's idea of hospitality, 202.  Beggar's Opera, Gay's, 267.
Anne Boleyn and the block, 276.         Benefactor, an unknown, 312.
Antiquarian and the absent man, 271. Best time for marriage, the, 12.
Ants, African, 88.                      Bible and the sword, the, 125.
An unknown benefactor, 312.             Bid at an auction, 271.
An unrehearsed stage effect, 3.         Billsticker turned actor, 37.
Apology, a minister's, 119.             Birds and insects, 24.
Apology, a Yankee, 111.                 Birthplace of Newton, 33.
Apparel oft proclaims the man, 174.   Bishop, a witty, 156.
Appropriate toast, an, 56.              Bishop's luggage, the, 139.
A Puritan reproved, 349.                Bitterness of distress, the, 63.
Arcola, Napoleon at, 114.               Black nigger, a, 30.
A reason for charity, 319.              Blacksmith, Swift and the, 268.
Are you answered? 143.                 Blessing of a clear conscience, 120.
Aristippus and the cynic, 222.          Blessing of forgiveness, the, 4.
Arithmetic, Hibernian, 230.             Blunder, a Frenchman's, 326.
Ars celare artem, 153.                  Blunder, curious, 194.
A saying of Pascal's, 348.              Blunder, histrionic, 343.
A shrewd astrologer, 343.               Blunders, an Englishman's, 55.
Athanasian creed, singing the, 232.    Boleyn, Anne, and the block, 276.
Athenians, love of truth with the, 180. Bonaparte and his landlady, 109.
Auction, a bid at an, 271.              Bonaparte and his MaImeluke, 116.
Auctioneer, a witty, 316.               Bonaparte as a litterateur, 136.
Author, an, not to be judged by his  Bonaparte as a schoolboy, 99.
works, 275.                           Bonaparte, religious opinions of, 280.
Avarice, 118, 312.                      Bonaparte, the latter days of, 2.
Avarice and ambition, 115.              Bonaparte's  estimate  of  British
Avoid bad company, 96.                    sailors, 11.
Avoid defamation, 114.                  Bonaparte's marriage with Josephine,
Avoid loquacity, 177.                     133.
A wise goose, 318.                      Bonaparte's mother, 147.
Awkward objection, an, 7.               Bonaparte's  opinion  of  Sir Jchn
A word of advice, 318.                    Moore, 317.




lndcx~.- 3353
Botany Bay, theatricals at, 267.          Charles XII. at Narva, 195.
Boy, a sharp-witted, 255.                 Charm of good temper, 193.
Boy's rebuke, a, 207.                    Charm of wedlock, 199.
Brave woman, a, 117.                      Charms, music hath, 79.
Brief sermon, a, 212.                     Charms of virtue, the, 108.
British sailors, Bonaparte's estimate  Cheese, where it should be cut, 116.
of, 11.                                Chemical analysis, 39.
Bull, an Irish, 240.                     Chemical diatribes, 37.
Bunyan's sarcasm, 95.                    Cherry and the manager, 299.
Burnet, Judge, and his father, 248.    Cheyne, Dr., and Beau Nash, 225.
Bushe, Solicitor-general, in Ireland,  Children, education of, 32.
339.                                   Children, Lord Byron's, 217.
Byron, Lord, 62.                         Chinese, the, and  dead languages,
Byron, Lord, anecdote of, 86.               220.
Byron's, Lord, children, 217.             Choice, a lady's, 86.
Byron's, Lord, superstition, 192.         Choice of companions, 78.
Choice of friends, 78, 178.
CALAMITY, resignation under, 223.         Choice wind, a, 27.
Calamity, uncertainty magnifies, 316. Christian pilgrimage, 278.
Calendar, the Highland, 290.              Church, a reason for not attending, 7.
Campaigner, a luxurious, 40.              Church, intended for the, 327.
Candid critic, 320.                       Clare, Lord, and his dog, 332.
Candid judge, a, 129.                     Classical quotation by Ingoldsby, 35
Candid opinion, 20, 306.                  Clear conscience, blessing of a, 120.
Candid preacher, 277.                     Clergyman and his prompter, 160.
Candidate for matrimony, 238.             Clergyman, an eloquent, 240.
Candles, Wewitzer's, 205.                 Clergyman, a philosophic, 305.
Candour and manners, 79.                  Coach, a slow, 261.
Caporal, le petit, 131.                   Coat to his back, hardly a, 33.
Cardinal Wolsey, 313.                     Cobbett's courtship, 47.
Carpenter, a polite, 59.                  Cockle sauce, 231.
Cart before the horse, the, 58.           Cockney printer, a, 107.
Catalini and Jenny Lind, 289.             Cold, an actor's, 211.
Cause and effect, 196.                    Colman a courtier, 350.
Cautious Yankee, a, 91.                   Colman and Lord Erskine, 347.
Chamberlain, the Lord, and Robert  Colonel Kelly and his blacking, 66.
the Devil, 236.                        Comforter, death the, 181.
Chance hit, 254.                          Companions, choice of, 78.
Changeable weather, 344.                  Compassion not due to tyrants, 337.'Change, a sharp remark on, 161.          Compliment, a, 298.
Change of opinions in mid life, 250.    Compliment, a flattering, 250.
Charge, the last, at Waterloo, 93.        Compliment, a left-handed, 29.
Charity, a lawyer's, 53.                  Conditional prayer, a, 36.
Charity, a reason for, 319.               Confront danger with prudence, 288.
Charity, beauty of, 148.                 Congregation, a small, 252.
Charity, posthumous, 310.                 Conjugal differences, 241.
Charles Lamb, Wordsworth and, 283. Conscience, blessing of a clear, 120.
Charles VII. of France, 337.             Conscience,prodigalityandanevil,l14
2 A




354 I4dem
Conscience, the voice of, 189.            Dead shot, a, 299.
Conscientious advocates, 156.             Death a leveller, 60.
Contentment, 248.                         Death, in the midst of life we are in.
Contentment insures happiness, 160.         25.
Contentment, value of, 102.               Death, life and, 180.
Conundrum, a, 67.                         Death, love after, 270.
Conversion, a wrong, 805.                 Death, should it be feared? 32
Cook, George Frederick, 303.              Death the comforter, 181.
Cooke and Kemble, 98.                     Deathbed repentance, 266.
Cooke the tragedian, 196.                 Debt, an Irish, 65.
Cork, drawings of, 334.                   Defamation, avoid, 114.
Correspondence, laconic, 180.             Definition of a soldier, 33.
Costume, importance of, 157.              Definition of eternity, 249.
Councilman, Wilkes and the, 298.          Definition of humbug, 203
Counsel, a Yankee, 114.                   Definition of wealth, 173.
Courage, true and false, 309.             Definition of wit, 174.
Courageous nigger, a, 174.                Desire for long life, 166.
Court, an echo in, 7.                     Desire to excel, the, 92.
Court favour, uncertainty of, 197.        Despatch that never came, the, 166.
Courtship, Cobbett's, 47.                 Differences, conjugal, 241.
Coutts, anecdote of Mrs., 286.            Difficulty, meeting a, 115.
Coxcomb reproved, 233.                    Difficulties, a manager's, 284, 327.
Credit, requiring long, 247.              Diner out, 296.
Critic, a candid, 320.                    Dinner, a literary, 152.
Critic's eye, 263.                        Dinner, an early, 261.
Cromwell and Hampden, 347.                Dinner, grace after, 313.
Crooked traveller, 291.                   Diplomatists and music, 214.
Cumberland and Sheridan, 186.            Discords, operatic, 233.
Cunning Irishman, a, 96.                  Dispatch, hurry and, 324.
Curious advertisement, 20, 231.           Disputants, advice to, 82.
Curious blunder, 194.                     Dissimulation, 145.
Curious fact, 80.                         Distress, the bitterness of, 63.
Curious loan, a, 86.                      Divine, a witty, 279.
Curious notion of heaven, 305.            Division of labour, 38.
Curious sepulture, 19.                    Doctor and his patients, the, 221.
Curious weather, 128.                     Doctor, an unclean, 205.
Curran, anecdote of, 198.                 Doctors' Commons wit, 218.
Custom, an Egyptian, 100.                 Doctor, sharp for the, 173.
"Cute" Yankee, a, 81.                    Doctor's epitaph, a, 13.
Cynic, Aristippus and the, 222.           Doctors, the, and Rabelais, 188.
Domestic, a Scottish, 141.
DAMP joke, a, 119.                        Domestic life, woman in, 181.
Danger, confront with prudence, 288.  Don't meet sorrow half way, 170.
Danger of prosperity, 201.                Door-scraper, a, 78.
Deacon, an American, 208.                 Double fare, a, 169.
Dean of Oxford and under graduates, Doubtful match, a, 227.
225.                                   Doubt the threshold of wisdomfi, 31
Dead languages, the Chinese and, 220.  Drawings of Cork, 334.




Inciex.                                 355
Dreams go by contrary, 290.              Epitaph, a doctors, 13.
Drowsy preacher, 275.                    Epitaph, a gamblers, 1.
Drunkard, a reformed, 270.               Epitaphs regardless of grammar, 249
Drunkenness, 176.                        Equity and law, 326.
Drunkenness, evil of, 164.               Eternity, definition of, 249.
Dryden's wit, 262.                       Eulogium on Pitt, 243.
Dublin stage  anecdotes of bygone  Evil and good inseparable, 77.
times, 300.                            Evil of drunkenness, 164.
Duel, a soldier's excuse for declining,  Evil speaking, 18,
49.                                    Evils of gaming, 67.
Duel, hand-shaking at a, 829.             Evils of pride, 173.
Duellist, a, 63.                          Evils of war, 67.
Duke Pasquier and Napoleon, 255.          Ex nihilo nihil fit, 35.
Duprez, the vocalist, 72.                 Example, the force of, 199.
Dum vivimus vivamus, 328.                 Executioner, a witty, 199.
Duration of life, 113.                    Exile, Beau Brummell in, 296.
Duties of an instructor, 189.             Experience and hope, 136,
Duty of man, the, 127.                    Explanation, an ungallant, 226.
Extemporaneous pun, an, 269.
EA.GLE, the American, 213.                Eye, a critic's, 263.
Early bird finds the worm, 347.           Eye, a piercing, 5.
Early dinner, 261.
Echo in court, an, 7.                    FAITH and works, 169.
Editor, a sharp, 187.                     Falsehood, truth, and, 231.
Editor overcome, an, 45.                 Fame, 73.
Education, 84.                           Fare, double, 169.
Education a claim for obedience, 318. Fascination, Rubini's, 266.
Education, importance of, 165.            Fashions, modern, 24.
Education of children, 32.               Favourites, fortune's, 283.
Effect, cause and, 196.                  Favours, granting and refusing, 227.
Egyptian custom, an, 100.                Fever, how to get a, 125.
Elements of success, the, 123.           First time of asking, 336.
Elephant and his trunk, 204.              Fishes, food for, 235.
Eloisa and Abelard, 321.                  Fishing in Scotcli lakes, 45.
Eloquence and rhetoric, 333.             Flattering compliment, 250.
Eloquence, Barry's, 251.                 Flattery, how women are duped by,
Eloquent clergyman, an, 240.                209.
Emigrants, hints to, 185.                Flattery, sincere, 212,
Emphasis, the right, 18.                 Flowery sermon, 82.
End of a wise man's life, 272.           Folly of scepticism, 159.
Endurable hatred, 212.                    Fontenelle, a reply of, 228.
Endurance of a good name, 107.           Fontenelle and the asparagus, 276.
Enemies, love your, 203.                 Food for fishes, 235.
England, happiness and freedom  in,  Force of example, the, 199.
149.                                   Forgiveness, the blessing of, 4.
English Guards at Waterloo, the, 27.  Forgiveness, the glory of, 187.
Englishman's blunders, an, 55.           Fortune's favourites, 283.
Envy, 195.                               Four-bottle man, a, 348.




356                                 Index.
Fox and his namesake, 308.                Good temper, charm of, 193.
Franklin's notion of saying grace, 222.  Good translation, a, 218.
Frederick the Great and the monks,  Goodall's, a joke of Dr., 59.
291.                                   Goose, a wise, 318.
French actress Rachel, the, 215.          Gout, how to cure the, 303.
Frenchman's blunder, a, 326.              Grace after dinner, 313.
Friend, how to use a, 126.                Grace, Franklin's notion of saying,
Friend, the value of a true, 71.            222.
Friends, choice of, 78, 178.              Grammar, epitaphs regardless of, 249.
Friends, worldly, 173.                    Grand funerals, the vanity of, 6.
Friendship, 200.                          Granting and refusing favours, 227.
Friendship cemented in adversity, 317.  Greatness, the modesty of, 62.
Friendship, the value of, 188.            Grimaldi of fashionable life, the, 49.
Froth, Yankee, 184.                       Groundless report, 236.
Funerals, the vanity of grand, 6.         Guillotine, invention of the, 128.
Future, the, 26.                          Guise, the duke of, 349.
Future, writing for the, 73.
HABITS, vicious, 113
GALLERY, hint from the, 185,              Hampden and Cromwell, 347
Gambler, infatuation of the, 161.         Hand-shaking at a duel, 329
Gambler's epitaph, a, 1.                  Happiness, 44
Gambler's loss, a, 89.                    Happiness and freedom  in England,
Gambling, 42.                               149
Gaming, evils of, 67.                     Happiness, contentment insures, 160
Garment, a student's, 230.                Hard upon the lawyers, 226
Garrick, anecdote of, 275.                Hardly a coat to his back, 33
Garrick, lines by, 266.                   Harmless soldier, a, 205
Garrulous lady, a, 166.                  Hatred, endurable, 212
Garrulous, a hint to the, 321.           Headache, proof against, 56
Gay's Beggar's Opera, 267.                Health and long life, 122
General, qualifications of a, 257.        Health and wealth, 216
General Wolfe, 65.                        Heaven, a curious notion of, 305
General Wolfe, George II. and, 195.    Help the helpless, 71
Genius, 201.                              Henry VIII. and Sir T. Moore, 215
George Frederick Cooke, 303.              Heroic reply, a, 184
George I., anecdote of, 201.              Heroism, Algernon Sydney's, 308
George II. and General Wolfe, 195.    Heroism in humble life, 134
Gerunds, the Latin, 81.                   Heroism of patience, the, 188
Glory of forgiveness, the, 187.           Hero's, a, address to his men, 276
Glory, pursuit of, 104.                   Hibernian arithmetic, 230
God, the love of, 51.                     Hibernian wit, 288
Gold and iron, 312.                       Highland calendar, 290
Good actions, motives to, 272.            Highland notion of tooth-brushes, 20e
Good and great men, scarcity of, 137.  Hill, Rowland, 22
Good conferred  by the alchymists,  Hint from the gallery, a, 185
191.                                   Hint to the garrulous, 321
Good, evil and, inseparable, 77.          Hint to the tailors, a, 204
Good name, endurance of a, 107.          Hints to emigrants, 185




Index.                                  357
HIistory, the advantage of, 18           Incledon, Suett and, 202
Histrionic blunder, 343                  Inconsistency of man, 126
Hit for the tailors, 258                 Independent sailor, an, 127
Hope, 176                                Industry ennobles, 128
Hope, experience and, 136                Infatuation of the gambler, 161
Horse, an Arab's love for his, 329       Influence, moral, 76
Horse, an Irish, 75                      Influence of music, 328
Horse, the cart before the, 58           Ingenious retort, an, 149
Hospitality, an Irishman's idea of, 202  Ingenuous reply, an, 57
How Dr. Johnson wooed, 34                Ingoldsby, classical quotation by, 35
How singers are paid, 54                 Innkeeper, an American, 30
How to bear the ills of life, 132        Innocent reply, an, 142
How to converse, 185                     Inquisitiveness, 172
How to cultivate memory, 184             Inscription, a humorous, 278
How to cure the gout, 303                Inscription for a tobacco-box, 307
How to get a fever, 125                  Insects, birds and, 24
How to go mad, 253                       Instructor, duties of an, 189
How to go to law, 228                    Intelligent Lord Mayor, an, 85
How to live long, 248                    Intended for the church, 327
How to sell cheaply, 222                 In the midst of life we are in death, 25
How to sweat a patient, 298              Invention of the guillotine, 128
How to use a friend, 126                 Ireland, Moore's estimate of, 198
How women are duped by flattery, 209  Irene, Dr. Johnson's, 335
Humble life, heroism in, 134             Irish bull, an, 240
Humbug, definition of, 203               Irish debt, an, 65
Humorous inscription, a, 278             Irish horse, an, 75
Hurry and dispatch, 324                  Irishman, a cunning, 96
Husband, a thoughtful, 278               Irishman, an, and his lawyer, 196
Husbands, men of sense the best, 182  Irishman, a purblind, 299
Hypocrisy, affectation and, 208          Irishman, a shrewd, 69
Hypocrite, 79                            Irishman's idea of hospitality, 202
Irishman's idea of posthumous works,
IDIOT'S shrewdness, an, 155                217
Idleness, the power of, 214              Irishman's letter, an, 182
Ill-constructed sentences, 324           Irishman's pity, an, 281
Ills of life, how to bear the, 132       Irishman's telescope, 235
Imbeciles, the shrewdness of, 144        Irish on and off the stage, 88
Imperial Rome, papal and, 159            Irish wit, 84, 89
Importance of costume, 157               Iron and gold, 312
Importance of education, 165
Importance of knowledge, 101             JACK REEVE and his razors, 241
Importance of marriage, 277              James II. and Milton, 224
Importance of perfection, 142            Jealousy, love and, 131
Importance of punctuality, 232           Jeffrey, Lord, anecdote of, 42
Impracticable witness, an, 199           Jenny Lind and Catalini, 289
Improvidence, reflections on, 311       Jenny Lind's debut, 346
Incident in the life of a soldier, 135    Johnson, Dr., and his publisher, 189
Incident of the American war, 54         Johnson, Dr., how he wooed, 34




358                              Index.
Johnson, Dr., on punning, 46           Law and the sword, the, 144
Johnson's, Dr., Irene, 335             Law, how to go to, 228
Johnson's, Dr., reflections on Rane- Lawyer, an Irishman and his, 196
lagh, 56                             Lawyers, a rap for the, 206
Joke, a damp, 119                      Lawyer's charity, a, 53
Joke, an old, refaced, 10              Lawyers, hard upon the, 226
Joke, an operatic, 260                 Lawyer's reply, a, 211
Joke, a pulpit, 213                    Lawyers, Swift and the, 251
Joke of Dr. Goodall's, a, 59           Learned barons, 258
Josephine, Bonaparte's marriage with, Learned provost, a, 200
133                                  Learning, advantage of, 171
Journey of life, the, 51               Left-handed compliment, a, 29
Judge, a candid, 129                   Legal quacks, medical and, 134
Judge and the king, 240                Leonidas at Thermopylae, 170
Judge, a wise, 272                     Le petit caporal, 131
Judge Burnet and his father, 248       Lely the painter, 68
Judge Jefferies and Baxter, 344        Letter-writing, 48
Letter, an Irishman's, 182
KELLY, Colonel, and his blacking, 66  Letters, the republic of, 34
Kemble, Cooke and, 98                  Life and death, 180
Kew, the road to, 13                   Life, duration of, 113
King and the judge, 240                Life, how to bear the ills of, 132
King Charles II., anecdote of, 125     Life, in the midst of, we are in death;
King outwitted, a, 83                    25
Kingly magnanimity, 281                Life of a soldier, incident in the, 134
King's magnanimity, a, 207             Life, the journey of, 51
Knowledge, importance of, 101          Life, vanity of, 155
Knowledge, obtain, 73                  Lines by Garrick, 266
Knowledge of men and the world, 107  Lines on the letter H, 273
Knowledge, pursuit of under difficul- Literary dinner, a, 152
ties, 60                             Literature, value of, 161
Knowledge, wit without, 264.           Litterateur, Bonaparte as a, 136
Livelihood, a means of, 53
LABOUR, division of, 38                Living in the bye-laws, 49
Labour, productive, 274                Loaf, a small, 307
Laconic correspondence, 1S0            Loan, a curious, 86
Lady, a garrulous, 166                 Long life, desire for, 166
Lady's choice, a, 86                   Long life, health and, 122
Lady's wit, 229                        Loquacity, avoid, 177
Landseer, Sir Sydney Smith and, 295  Lord Byron's children, 217
Last days of Malibran, 178             Lord Eldon, anecdote of, 109
Last days of Turner the painter, 334   Lord Erskine and Colman, 347
Last hours of Bonaparte, the, 92       Lord Londsdale's nine pins, 330
Latin gerunds, the, 81                 Lord Mayor, an intelligent, 85
Latin, the power of, 217               Lord Norbury as a judge, 80
Latter days of Bonaparte, the, 2       Loss, a gambler's, 89
Laugh and grow fat, 104                Lost time, making up for, 293
Law and equity, 126                    Louis the Twelfth, 101




Index.                                 359
Love and jealousy, 131                   Melancholy actor, 333
Love after death, 270                    Memory, a test of, 40
Love of God, the, 51                     Memory, how to cultivate, 184
Love of truth with the Athenians,  Men and the world, knowledge of, 107
180                                    Men and women, talking, 19
Love story, an American, 13              Men, good and great, scarcity of, 137
Love, universal, 100                     Men of sense the best husbands, 182
Love your enemies, 203                   Mental pleasures, 261
Lowe, Sir Hudson, Napoleon's hatred  Mercy, power and, 86
of, 36                                 Mid-life, change of opinions in, 250
Luggage, the bishop's, 139              Milton, James II. and, 224
Lunatic, a sensible, 283                 Milton and his wife, 158
Luther, Martin, 320                      Mind, an absent, 6
Luxurious campaigner, a, 40              Minister, a thankful, 84.luxury and misery harden the mind,  Minister, the sick, 38
341                                    Minister's apology, a, 119
luxury of being rich, the, 206           Mirth, 46
Lyndhurst, anecdote of, 241              Misapprehension, a slight, 172
Misdeal, a, 72
MACKLIN'S last appearance, 121           Misery, luxury and, harden the mind,
MI'Gregors, the origin of the, 246         341
Mad, how to go, 253                     Mistake, a slight, 81
Madam Sontag, 219'          Model servant, a, 177
Mademoiselle Piccolomini, 304           Modern fashions, 24
Magnanimity, kingly, 281                Modesty, 251
Magnanimity, a king's, 207               Modesty of greatness, the, 62
Making up for lost time, 293            Monarch, a just, 342
Malibran, the last days of, 178          Monarchs, a text for, 142
Malice, bear no, 162                     Monkey, shaving a, 104
Mameluke, Bonaparte and his, 116        Monks, the, and Frederick the Great,
Man, inconsistency of, 126                291
Man, the duty of, 127                   Montesquieu, anecdote of, 342
Manager and Cherry, 299                  Moore, Sir John, Bonpaarte's opinion
Manager, difficulties of a, 284, 327       of, 317
Manners, candour and, 79                 Moore, Sir T., Henry VIII. and, 215
Marriage, importance of, 277            Moore, Sir Thomas, 344
Marriage, the best time for, 12          Moore's estimate of Ireland, 198
Married, advice to the, 171              Moral influence, 76
Married state, the, 62                   Mordaunt, Lord, and the canary, 336
Master of his house, 348                 Mot, by an ambassadress, a, 44
Master, which is the, 61                 Mother, Bonaparte's, 147
Match, a doubtful, 227                   Motives to good actions, 272
Matches, where they are made, 203    Motto, a suggestion for a, 273
Matrimony, a candidate for, 238          Motto, a tailor's, 83
Matter-of-fact preacher, a, 158          Motto, the tobacconist's, 230
Means of livelihood, a, 53               Mountford, Mrs., last appearance or
Medical and legal quacks, 134             the stage, 242
Meeting a difficulty, 115               Music, diplomatists and, 214




360                              Inde.
Music, influence of, 328              Opera-house riot, an, 238
Music hath charms, 79                 Operatic discords, 233
Mutton, a saddle of, 257              Operatic joke, an, 260
Mutual remembrance, 317               Opinion, a candid, 20, 306
Orators, advice to, 137
NAME, what's in a? 4, 226             Origin of the " Devil's own," 123
Napoleon and Duke Pasquier, 255       Origin of the M'Gregors, 246
Napoleon and the soldier, 106         Origin of the term roundhead, 260
Napoleon, anecdotes of, 130           Origin of the term  " spinster," 175
Napoleon at Arcola, 114               Original paper, an, 282
Napoleon, the last hours of, 92       Orthography, Napoleon's indifference
Napoleon's ancestors, 153               to, 52
Napoleon's hatred of Sir Hudson  Outside place at a theatre, 246
Lowe, 36
Napoleon's indifference  to  ortho- PAINTER, an ingenious, 345
graphy, 52                          Palmer and Bannister, 204
Napoleon's love for his soldiers, 31    Palmer's claret, 74
Napoleon's mode of living at St. He- Papal and Imperial Rome, 159
lena, 60                            Paradox, a, 192
Napoleon's presence of mind, 127      Parenthesis in prayer, 5
Narrow-minded people, 171             Parish-clerk, Swift and the, 259
Narva, Charles XII. at, 195           Parr, anecdote of Dr., 229
Nassau senior, and Richard Whately, Parson, a witty, 227
243                                 Pascal, a saying of, 348
National peculiarities, 279           Passion, the ruling, 324
Nature, the subtleties of, 286        Passionate people, 344
Negro, a philosophic, 253             Passions, our, 96
Nelson on the navy, 110               Patience, 269
Newton, birthplace of, 33             Patience, the heroism of, 188
Nice method of raising the wind, 91    Patient, how to sweat a, 298
Nigger, a black, 39                   Patients, the doctor and his, 221
Nigger, a courageous, 174             Pause before you are angry, 91
Nile, the battle of the, 1            Paying, the pleasure of, 26
Nivelle, battle of the, 319           Peculiarities, national, 279
Noble-mindedness, 124                 Pedantry and pedants, 190
Norbury, Lord, as a judge, 80         Pen, power of the, 177
Not in haste, 85                      Penalty of youthful excess, 107
Not time enough, 44                   Perfection, importance of, 132
Notions, Yankee, 55                   Periods of life, their characteristics,
Novel sleeping-birth, 77                190
Philosopher, a true, 282
OBEDIENCE, education a claim  for, Philosopher's reproof, a, 132
318                                 Philosophic clergyman, 305
Objection, an awkward, 7              Philosophic negro, 253
Obtain knowledge, 73                  Phrenology at fault, 41
Old joke refaced, an, 10              Physic, throw to the dogs, 150
Old stories over again, 242           Physiognomy, 340
Only a mistake of a letter, 9         Piccolomini and her mother, 310




Index.                                  361
Piercing eye, a, 5                        Priestly pride, 146
Pilgrimage, the Christian, 278            Printer, a Cockney, 106
Pitt and the volunteers, 143              Prodigality and an evil conscience,
Pitt, eulogium on, 245                      164
Pitt, recollections of the Duke of  Productive labour, 274
Wellington of, 150                      Proof against headache, 56'
Pitt's travels, 99                        Prophet, a true, 182
Pity, an Irishman's, 281                  Prosperity and adversity, 137
Plain speaking, 126                       Prosperity, danger of, 201
Play, value of a, 292                     Proverb altered, a, 187
Pleasure and duty, woman's, 147           Providential afflictions, 316
Pleasure of paying, the, 34               Provost, a learned, 200
Pleasure, restraint on, 67                Public men, qualifications of, 261
Pleasures, mental, 261                    Pulpit joke, a, 213
Poetry, wooing in, 210                    Pun, a royal, 100
Poets and their works, 112                Pun, an extemporaneous, 269
Polite carpenter, a, 59                   Punctuality, importance of, 232
Polite soldier, a, 132                    Punning, Dr. Johnson on, 46
Pope outdone, 236                         Purblind Irishman, 299
Pope's Homer's Iliad, 340                 Pupil, a sharp, 197
Posthumous charity, 310                   Pursuit of glory, 104
Posthumous Works, Irishman's idea  Pursuit of knowledge under difficult
of, 217                                   ties, 60
Poverty, 26                               Pursuit of wealth, 175
Poverty and riches, 229
Power and mercy, 86                       QUAcKs, medical and legal, 134
Power, its value, 112                     Quaker outwitted, 247
Power of idleness, the, 114               Quaker's wit, a, 218
Power of Latin, 217                       Qualifications, a wife's, 191
Power of the pen, 177                     Qualifications of a general, 257
Power of the press, 330                   Qualifications of a preceptor, 285
Power, thirst for, 108                    Qualifications of public men, 261
Prayer, a conditional, 36                 Queer advertisement, 319
Prayer, a sailor's, 87                    Query, a Scotch, 76
Prayer, parenthesis in, 5                 Query answered, a, 303
Preacher, a candid, 277                   Quick shaving-Col. Ellison, 162
Preacher, a drowsy, 275                   Quid pro quo, 21
Preacher, a matter-of-fact, 158           Quin and Beau Nash, 280
Precedence, 349
Preceptor, qualifications of a, 285       RABELAIS and the doctors, 188
Precocity, Sheridan's, 198                Rachel, the French actress, 215
Prepare for adversity, 176                Raising the wind, a nice method of,
Prescription, Abernethy's, 20               91
Presence of mind, Napoleon's, 127         Ranelagh, Dr. Johnson's- reflections
Pride, 68, 205                              on, 56
Pride checked, 234                        Rap for the lawyers, a, 206
Pride, evils of, 173                      Raphael, anecdote of, 263
Priesthood, toleration of the, 138        Rather sharp, 342




362                              Index.
Rather too fast, 42, 315               Roundhead, origin of the term, 260
Razors, Jack Reeve and his, 241        Rowland Hill, 22
Reading, thoughts on, 31               Royal pun, a, 100.
Ready wit, an Irishman's, 187          Rubini's fascination, 266
Reason, a, for not attending church, 7  Ruling passion, the, 324
Reason for charity, 319
Rebuff, a sharp, 307                   SADDLE of mutton, 257
Rebuke, a boy's, 206                   Sailor, an independent, 127
Reflections on improvidence, 311       Sailor's prayer, a, 87
Reformed drunkard, 270                 Sailors, Whitfield and the, 21
Regular man, a, 58                     Salmon versus Sermon, 17
Rejoinder, a sharp, 164                Sarcasm, Bunyan's, 95
Religious opinion of Bonaparte, 280   Satire, 259
Remark, a sharp, on'Change, 161       Sauce, cockle, 231
Remembrance, mutual, 317               " Savant" in the witness-box, 22
Reminder, a, 177                       Scaffold, wisdom at the, 200
Repartee, 149                          Scarcity of good and great men, 137
Repentance, deathbed, 266              Scepticism, folly of, 159
Reply, a heroic, 184                   Schoolboy, Bonaparte as a, 99
Reply, an ingenuous, 57                Schoolboy catechised, a, 175
Reply, an innocent, 142                Schoolboy's wit, a, 98
Reply, an ungallant, 110               Scotch lakes, fishing in, 45
Reply, a lawyer's, 211                 Scotch query, a, 76
Reply, a smart, 202                    Scotchman's tenacity, 285
Reply, a witty, 57                     Scottish domestic, a, 141
Reply of Fontenelle's, a, 228          Scriblerus Club, Swift and the, 264
Reply to a wife-hunter, 225            Seeing through him, 26
Report, a groundless, 236              Self-command, 155
Reproof, a philosopher's, 132          Selwyn and his horse, 117
Republic of Letters, the, 34           Sensible lunatic, 283
Reputation, value of, 180              Sentences ill-constructed, 324
Requiring long credit, 247             Sentry, a witty, 43
Resignation under calamity, 223        Sepulture, curious, 19
Restraint on pleasure, 67              Sermon, a brief, 212
Retort, an ingenious, 149              Sermon, a flowery, 82
Returning a visit, 228                 Servant, a model, 177
Reveller, a witty, 72.Servants, 172
Revenge, 232                           Servants in the olden time, 8
Rhetoric, eloquence and, 333           Shakspere the greatest poet, 157
Rich, the luxury of being, 206         Sharp editor, a, 187
Riches, poverty and, 229               Sharp enough already, 111
Riches, vanity of, 165                 Sharp for the doctor, 173
Right emphasis, the, 18                Sharp pupil, a, 197
Riot, an opera-house, 238              Sharp rebuff, a, 307
Road to Kew, the, 13                   Sharp-rejoinder, 164
Robert the Devil and the Lord Chain- Sharp witness, a, 238
berlain, 236                         Sharpness, Yalnkee, 178
Rome, Papal and Imperial, 159          Sharp-witted boy, 255




Index.                                363
Shaving a monkey, 104                  Sorrow, don't meet halfway, 170
Sheridan and Cumberland, 186           Stage effect; an unrehearsed, 3
Sheridan, anecdote of, 120             Stage, Irish on and off the, 80
Sheridan at a Westminster Election, 29  Stage, last appearance on the, of
Sheridan's precocity, 198                Mrs. Mountford, 242
Shot, a dead, 299                      Stakeholder, a Yankee, 57
Shrewd Irishman, a, 69                 St. Helena, Napoleon's mode of livShrewdness, an idiot's, 155              ing at, 60
Shrewdness of imbeciles, the, 144      Still waters run deep, 269
Sick minister, the, 38                 Stories, old, over again, 242
Sincere flattery, 212                  Student, the good he confers, 178
Sincerity, 101                         Student's garnent, 230
Singers, how they are paid, 54         Sublimity, Yankee, 116
Singing angels, 309                    Subtleties of nature, 2S6
Singing the Athanasian Creed, 232      Success, the elements of, 123
Sir David Baird's mother, 154          Suett and Incledon, 202
Sir Gerald Massey and the pugilist, Suett the actor, 64
293                                  Suggestion, a, 328
Sir Thomas Moore, 344                  Suggestion, a shrewd, 87
Sleep, 19                              Suggestion for a motto, 273
Sleeping beauty, the, 82               Suggestions to the newly married, 139
Sleeping cars on American railways, Suicide, 280
97                                   Superstition, Lord Byron's, 192
Sleeping-berth, a novel, 77            Swift and his barber, 71
Slight alteration, a, 59               Swift and the blacksmith, 268
Slight misapprehension, 172            Swift and the lawyers, 251
Slight mistake, a, 81                  Swift and the parish clerk, 259
Slip of the tongue, 292                Swift and the Scriblerus Club, 264
Slow coach, 261                        Swift, Dean, and the almanac maker,
Small congregation, 252                  325
Small loaf, a, 307                     Swift's enigma upon the vowels, 306
Smart reply, a, 202                    Swift's first interview with Vanessa,
Snuff story, a tough, 15                 271
Soldier, a harmless, 205               Sword, law and the, 144
Soldier, a polite, 132                 Sword, the, and the Bible, 125
Soldier, a witty, 219                  Sydney's, Algernon, heroism, 308
Soldier, definition of a, 33           Sydney Smith, 102
Soldier, incident in the life of a, 135   Sydney Smith and Landseer, 295
Soldierly address, a, 97
Soldier's excuse for declining a duel, TAILOR'S motto, 83
49                                   Tailors, a hint for the, 258
Soldiers, Napoleon's love for his, 31   Tailors, a hint to the, 204
Solitude, 38                           Talking men and women, 19
Solon the lawgiver, 175                Telescope, an Irishman's, 235
Somewhat embarrassing, 209             Temperance, 165
Son, an affectionate, 316              Tenacity, a Scotchman's, 285
Sontag, Madam, 219                     Test of memory, a, 40
" Spinster," origin of the term, 175    Text for monarchs, a, 142




364                                Izdc.
Thankful minister, a, 84                 VALUE of a play, 292
The apparel oft proclaims the man, Value of a true friend, 71
174                                   Value of contentment, 102
The desire to excel, 92                  Value of friendship, the, 188
" The Devil's Own," origin of, 123       Value of literature, 161
The Duke of Guise, 349.              Value of reputation, 180
The early bird finds the worm, 347       Value of wisdom, the, 188
The manager and the conductor, 331   Vanessa, Swift's first interview with,
The other side, 139                        271
Theatre, outside place at a, 246         Vanity of grand funerals, the, 6
Theatricals at Botany Bay, 267           Vanity of life, 155
Thermopyle, Leonidas at, 170             Vanity of riches, 165
Thirst for power, 108                    Vicious habits, 113
Thoughtful husband, 278                  Virtue, 112
Thoughts on reading, 31                  Virtue and vice, 270
Throw physic to the dogs, 150            Virtue, the charms of, 108
Toast, an appropriate, 56                Visit, returning a, 228
Tobacco-box, inscription for a, 307      Voice of conscience, the, 189
Tobacconist's motto, 230                 Volunteers, Pitt and the, 143
Toleration of the priesthood, 138        Vowels, Swift's enigma upon the, 306
Tongue, slip of the, 292                 Vox populi, 315
Too much at once, 30
Tooth-brushes, Highland notion of, WAR, an incident of the American,
207                                      54
Tough snuff story, a, 15                 War, an incident in the American,
Translation, a good, 218                   69
Translation accommodated, the, 194   War, evils of, 67
Travel talk, 10                          Waterloo, English Guards at, 27
Traveller, a crooked, 291                Waterloo, the last charge at, 93
Traveller outdone, the, 6                Wealth, definition of, 173
True and false courage, 309              Wealth, health and, 216
Frue friend, the value of a, 71          Wealth, pursuit of, 175
True philosopher, 282                    Weather, changeable, 344
rrue prophet, a, 182                    Weather, curious, 128
truth, 85                                Wedlock, 29
Truth and falsehood, 231                 Wedlock, charm of, 199
Turner the painter, last days of, 334   Wellington, Duke of, recollections of
Tyrants, compassion not due to, 337        Pitt, 150
Westminster election, Sheridan at.a
UNCERTATNTY magnifies calamity, 316    29
Uncertainty of court favour, 197         Wewitzer, anecdotes of, 332
Unclean doctor, an, 205                  Wewitzer's candles, 205
Under-graduates and a Dean of Oxford, What's in a name? 4, 226
225                                    Whately, Dr., anecdotes of, 337
Ungallant explanation, 226               Whately, Richard, and Nassau senior,
Ungallant reply, an, 110                   243
Universal love, 100                      Where a cheese should be cut, 116
Unknown benefactor, an, 312              Where matches are made, 203




Index.                                 365
Which is the master? 61                  Witty reply, a, 57
Whitfield and the sailors, 21            Witty reveller, a, 72
Who began it? 138                        Witty sentry, a, 43
Wife, a woman for a, 12                  Witty soldier, a, 219
Wife's qualifications, a, 191           Wolfe, General, 65
Wife-hunter, reply to a, 225            Wolfe, General, George II. and, 195
Wilkes and the councilman, 298           Wolsey, Cardinal, 313
Wilson the vocalist, 102                 Woman, a brave, 117
Wind, a choice, 27                       Woman for a wife, a, 12
Wind, a nice method of raising the, Woman in domestic life, 181
91                                    Woman's pleasure and duty, 147
Wisdom at the scaffold, 200              Woman's wit, 148
Wisdom, doubt the threshold of, 315   Women, how they are duped by flat
Wisdom, the value of, 188                  tery, 209
Wise judge, 272                          Wooing in poetry, 210
Wise man's life, end of a, 272           Wordsworth and Charles Lamb, 283
Wit; a lady's, 229                       Works, faith and, 169
Wit, a Quaker's, 218                     Worldly friends, 173
Wit, a schoolboy's, 98                   Writing for the future, 73
Wit, definition of, 174                 Wrong conversion/a, 305
Wit, Doctors' Commons, 218
Wit, Dryden's, 262                       Yankee, a cautious, 91
Wit, Hibernian, 988                     Yankee, a "cute," 81
Wit, Irish, 84, 89                       Yankee apology, a, 111
Wit, its characteristics, 105            Yankee counsel, a, 114
Wit without knowledge, 264               Yankee froth, 184
Wit, woman's, 148                        Yankee general " Scotched," 210
Witness, a sharp, 238                   Yankee notions, 55
Witness, an impracticable, 199          Yankee sharpness, 178
Witty auctioneer, 316                   Yankee stakeholder, a, 57
Witty bishop, a, 156                     Yankee sublimity, 116
Witty divine, 279                       Young lady, an amiable, 51
Witty executioner, a, 199               Youthful excess, penalty of, 107
Witty parson, a, 227
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